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THE
CYCLOP PDIA
OF
WIT AND HUMOR;
CONTAINING
CHOICE AND CHARACTERISTIC SELECTIONS
FROM THE
WRITINGS OF THE MOST EMINENT HUMORISTS
OF
AMERICA, IRELAND, SCOTLAND,
AND ENGLAND.
IUustrxate bh iit ioenta-four  frinaits orn itd, anb mann unbreb Mgoob (ngraming.
EDITED BY
WILLIAM  E. BTJRTON.
VOLU3ME II.
"I have observed, that in Comedy, the best actor plays the part of the droll, while
some scrub rogue is made the hero, or fine gentleman. So, in this Farce of Life, wise
men pass their time in mirth, whilst fools only are serious.-BOLINGBROK&.
NEW YORK:
D. APPLE.TON  AND  COMPANY,
443 & 445 BROADWAY.
LONDON: 16 LITTLE BRITAIN.
1864.




ENTERED according to Act of Congress in the year 1858 by
D. APPLETON & COMPANY,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New YGrk.




LIST OF PORTRAITS.- VOL. II.
PAGER
JAMES HOGG,.                        FACE TITLE.
JOHN WILSON,..                                                 653
THOMAS HOOD,.........  667
CHARLES LAMB,....                721
CHARLES DICKENS,.........  750
GEORGE CRUIKSHANK,.                                                     800
THOMAS INGOLDSBY,.                                                        931
ALBERT SMITH,..     973
SIDNEY SMITH,.......... 1046
DOUGLASS JERROLD,.                                                    1078








CYCLO P/EDIA
OF
MODERN WIT AND HUMOR.
SCOTCIH.








CYCLOPAEDIA
OF
WIT AND HUMOR.
SCOTCH.
SEEKING  THE HOUDY.
BY JAMES HOGG (THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD).
THERE was a shepherd on the lands of Meggat- ed for a rod, there being no wood in Meggat-dale,
dale, who once set out riding with might and main, not so much as a tree: and a more unlucky and
under cloud of night, for that most important and  dangerous goad he could scarcely have possessed,
necessary personage in a remote and mountainous and that the black mare, with a white face like a
country, called by a different name in every coun- cow, felt to her experience. Robin galloped, by the
try of the world, excepting perhaps Egypt and light of the full moon, down by the But-haugh and
England; but by the highlanders most expressively  Glengaber-foot about as fast as a good horse walks;
termed bean-glhuine or te the toctor.          still he was galloping, and could make no more of
The mare that Robin rode was a black one, with it, although he was every now and then lending the
a white face like a cow. She had a great big belly, yaud a yerk on the flank with the snibbelt. But
a switch tail, and a back, Robin said, as sharp as a when he came to Henderland, to which place the
knife; but perhaps this part of the description was mare was accustomed to go every week to meet
rather exaggerated. However, she was laziness it- the eggler, then Robin and the mare split in their
self personified, and the worst thing of all, her foal opinions. Robin thought it the most natural and
was closed in at home; for Robin had wiled the reasonable thing in the world that the mare should
mare and foal into the bire with a piece of bread, push on to the Sandbed, about eight miles further,
which he did not give her after all, but put in his to bring home the wise woman to his beloved wife's
pocket in case of farther necessity: he then whip- assistance. The mare thought exactly the reverse,
ped a hair halter on the mare's head, and the straw  being inwardly convinced that the most natural and
sunks on her back, those being the only equipment reasonable path she could take was the one straight
within his reach; and it having cost Robin a great home again to her foal; and without any further ceredeal of trouble to get the foal into the bire, he now  mony, save giving a few switches with her long illeyed him with an exulting, and at the same time a shapen tail, she set herself with all her might to
malicious, look. "You mischievous rascal," said dispute the point with Robin.
he, " I think I have you now; stand you there an'   Then there was such a battle commenced, as
chack flees, till I come back to teach you better never was fought at the foot of Henderland-bank at
manners."                                     midnight, either before or since. 0, my beloved
Robin then hurried out the mare to the side of and respected editor and readers! I wish I could
the kail-yard dike, and calling out to Jean, his wife, make you understand the humor of this battle as
not to be in ower grit a hurry, and to exercise all well as I do. The branks were two sticks hung by
the patience she was mistress of, he flew on the a head-steej, which, when one drew the halter hard,
yaud's back, and off he went at full gallop.  nipped the beast's nose most terribly; but then
The hair halter that Robin rode with had a they were all made in one way, and could only
wooden snibbelt upon the end of it, as all hair hal- turn the beast to the near side. Now the black
ters had erewhile, when there were no other bridles mare did not, or could not, resist this agency of the
in Meggat, saving branks and hair halters annexed; branks; she turned round as often as Robin liked,
consequently with the further end of this halter one but not one step farther would she proceed on the
could hit an exceeding hard stroke. Indeed, I road to Sandbed. So roundabout and roundabout
never saw any thing in my life that hurt so sore as the two went; and the mare, by a very clever exa hair halter and wooden snibbelt at the end of it; pedient, contrived at every circle to work twice her
and I may here mention, as an instance of its effi- own length nearer home. Saint Sampson! how
cacy, that there was once a boy at Hartwood mines, Robin did lay on with the halter and snibbelt, whennear Selkirk, who killed with a snibbelt two High- ever he got her head round towards the way he
land soldiers, who came to press his horses in the wanted her to go! No-round she came again!
forty-five.                                    He cursed her, he flattered her, he reminded her of
Well, to this halter and snibbelt Robin had trust- the precarious state of her mistress, who had so
40




614                                SEEKING THE HO1UDY.
often filled her manger; but all would not do; she I could soon run on fobt to the Sandbed, but then
thought only of the precarious state of her foal, I cannot carry the widwife home on my back; and
closed in an old void smearing-house.          could I once get you there, you would not be long
Robin, at last, fell upon a new stratagem, which  in bringing us both home again. Plague on you
was this, that as the mare wheeled round, whenever for a beast, if I winna knock your brains out."
her head reached the right point, he hit her a yerk    Robin now attacked the mare's white face with
with the wooden snibbelt on the near cheek, to  the snibbelt, yerk for yerk, so potently, that the
stop that mill-stone motion of hers. This occasion- mare soon grew madly crazed, and came plunging
ed some furious plunges, but no advancement the  and floundering from the hill at a great rate. Robin
right way, till at length he hit her such a pernicious thus found out a secret not before known in this
blow somewhere near about the ear, that he brought country, on which he acted till the day of his death,
her smack to the earth in a moment; and so much  namely, " that the best way to make a horse spring
was he irritated, that he laid on her when down, forward is to strike it on the face."
and nodding like one falling asleep. After two or   Once more on the path, Robin again mounted,
three prolonged groans, she rose again, and, thus sparing neither the mare nor the halter; while the
candidly admonished, made no further resistance  mare, at every five or six paces, entertained him
for the present, but moved on apace to the time of with a bray so loud, with its accompanying nicker,
the halter and the snibbelt. On reaching a ravine  that every one made the hills ring again.
called the Capper Cleuch, the mare, coming again    There is scarcely any thing a man likes worse
in some degree to her senses, perceived that she than this constant neighing of the steed he rides
was not where she'ought to have been, at least upon, especially by night. It makes him start as
where it was her interest, and the interest of her from a reverie, and puts his whole frame in comfoal, that she should have been; and raising her motion. Robin did not like it more than other
white face, she uttered a tremendous neigh. The  men. It caused him inadvertently to utter some
hills to the left are there steep and rocky, and the  imprecations on the mare, that he confessed he
night being calm and frosty, first one fine echo  should not have uttered; but it also caused him to
neighed out of the hill, then another, and then an- say some short prayers for preservation; and to
other. "There are plenty of foals here," thought which of these agencies he owed the following sinthe old mare; and neighing again even louder than  gular adventure, he never could divine.
before, she was again answered in the same way.;   Robin had got only about half a mile farther on his
and seeing an old crabbed thorn-tree among the  road, when his mare ceased her braying, and all at
rocks, in the direction whence the echo proceeded, once stood stone-still, cocking her large ears, and
it struck her obtuse head that it was her great lub- looking exceedingly frightened. "Oho, madam!
ber of a foal standing on very perilous ground; and  what's the matter now?" said Robin; " is this anoff she set at a right angle from the road, or rather other stratagem  to mar my journey, for all the
a left one, with her utmost speed, braying, as she haste that you see me in? Get on, my fine yaud,
went, while every scream  was returned by her get on!  There is nothing uncanny there."
shaggy colt with interest.  It was in vain that   Robin coaxed thus, as well to keep up his own
Robin pulled by the hair halter, and smote her on  spirits, as to encourage his mare; for the truth is,
the cheek with the wooden snibbelt: away she ran  that his hair began to stand on end with affright.
through long heath and large stones, with a tre- The mare would neither ride, lead, nor drive, one
mendous and uncultivated rapidity, neighing as she  step further; but there she stood, staring, snuffing
flew. " Wo! ye jaud! Hap-wo! chywooo!" shout- the wind, and snorting so long, that it was frighted Robin, " Hap-wo! Hap-wo! Devil confound the  some to hear, as well as to see her. This was the
beast, for I'm gone!"                          worst dilemma of all. What was our forlorn shepherd
Nothing would stay her velocity till she stabled  to do now? He averred that the mare would not
herself against a rock over which she could not go on either by force or art; but I am greatly dewin, and then Robin lost no time in throwing him- ceived, if by this time he durst for his life have
self from her back.. Many and bitter were the  gone on, even though the mare could have been inepithets he there bestowed on his old mare, and  duced to proceed. He took the next natural expegrievous was the lamentation he made for his wife, dient, which was that of shouting out as loud as he.as endeavoring to lead back the mare from the  could bellow, "Hilloa! who's there?  Be ye devils,
rocky hill into the miserable track of a road. No; be ye witches, or be ye Christian creatures, rise an'
the plague o' one foot would the mare move in that shaw yoursels. I say hilloa! who's there?"
direction! She held out her long nose, with her   Robin was at this time standing hanging by the
white muslin face, straight up to heaven, as if con- mare's hair halter with both his hands, for she was
templating the moon. She weened that her foal capering and flinging up her white face with such
was up among the crags, and put on a resolution  violence, that she sometimes made him bob off the
-not to leave him a second time for any man's plea- ground; when, behold! at his last call, a being like
sure. After all, Robin confessed that he had some a woman rose from among some deep heather bushexcuse for her, for the shadow of the old thorn  es about twenty yards before him. She was like
was so like a colt, that he could scarcely reason  an elderly female, dressed in a coarse country garb,
himself out of the belief that it was one.     tall and erect, and there she stood for a space, with
Robin was now hardly set indeed, for the mare her pale face, on which the moon shone full, turned
would not lead a step; and when he came back to  straight towards Robin. He then heard her muther side to leather her with the snibbelt, she only tering something to herself; and, with a half-stifled
galloped round him and round him and neighed. laugh, she stooped down, and lifted something from
" O plague on you for a beast, that ever you were among the heath, which Robin thought resembled
foaled!" exclaimed Robin; "I shall lose a dearly  a baby.-" There! the gipsey yaud has been murbeloved wife, and perhaps a couple of babies at dering that poor bairn!" thought Robin to himself:
Ileast, and all owing to your stupidity and obstinacy! " it was nae wonder my auld yaud was frightened!




SEEKING THE HOUDY.                                    615
she kens what's what, for as contrarysome as she miles yet. Why, man, afore ye get to the Sandis. And murderess though the hizzy be, it is out o' bed an' hame again, your doughter will be ready
my power to pursue her wi' this positive auld hack, for spaining."
for no another foot nearer her will she move."    "Doughter! what's a' this about a doughter?
Robin never thought but that the mysterious Has my dear Jean really a daughter?"
being was to fly from him, or at least go off the road    " You may be sure she has, else I could not have
to one side; but in place of that she rolled her baby, been here."
or bundle, or whatever it was, deliberately up in a    " And has she only ane? for, od! ye maun ken,
blanket, fastened it up between her shoulders, and wifie, that I expectit twa at the fewest. But I dinna
came straight to the place where Robin stood understand you. I wish ye may be canny enough,
hanging by his mare's head. The mare was per- for my white-faced yaud seems to jalouse otherfectly mad. She reared, snorted, and whisked her wise."
long ill-shaped tail: but Robin held her, for he was   " Ye dinna ken me, Robin, but ye will ken me.
a strong young man, and the hair halter must have I am Ellen Grieve. I was well brought up, and
been proportionably so, else it never could have married to a respectable farmer's son; but he turnstood the exercise of that eventful night.     ed out a villain, and, among other qualifications,
Though I have heard Robin tell the story often- was a notorious thief; so that I have been reduced
er than once when I was a boy, there was always to this that you see, to travel the country with a
a confusion here which I never understood. This pack, and lend women a helping-hand in their hour
may be accounted for, in some measure, by sup- o' need. An', Robin, when you and I meet here
posing that Robin was himself in such perplexity  again, you may be preparing for another world."
and confusion, that he neither knew well what   "I dinna comprehend ye at a', wifie. No: a' that
passed, nor remembered it afterwards. As far as I I can do, I canna comprehend ye. But I underrecollect, the following was the dialogue that pass- stand thus far. It seems ye are a houdy, or a
ed between the two.                             meedwife, as the grit fo'ks.will ca' you. Now that's
"Wha's this?"                                the very thing I want at present, for your helping
"What need ye speed, goodman? kend fo'k, hand may be needfu' yonder. Come on ahint me,
gin it war daylight."                           and we'll soon be hame."
"I think I'm a wee bit at a loss. I dinna ken    I must give the expedition home in Robin's own
ye."                                            words.
"May be no, for ye never saw me afore. An'   "Weel, I forces my yaud into the Cleuch-brae,
yet it is a queer thing for a father no to ken his contrary as she was, wi' her white face, for she had
ain doughter."                                 learned by this time to take a wee care o' the tim" Ay, that wad be a queer thing, indeed. But mer snibbelt. I was on her back in a jiffey; an' to
where are you gaun at this time o' the night?"  say truth, the kerlin wi' the pale round face, and
" Where am I gaun? where but up to the Craigy- the bit lang bundle on her back, wasna slack; for
rigg, to get part o' my ain blithemeat. But where  she was on ahint me, bundle and' a', ere ever I kend
are you riding at sic a rate?"                 I was on mysel. But, Gude forgie us! sichan a
" Why, I'm just riding my whole might for the  voyage as we gat! I declare my yaud gae a snore
houdy: an' that's very true, I hae little need to  that gart a' the hills ring, an' the verra fire flew
stand claverin here wi' you."                  frae her snirls. Out o' the Cleuch-brae she sprang
"Ha, ha, ha! daddy Robin!  It is four hours as there hadna been a bane or a joint within her
sin' ye came frae hame, and ye're no won three  hide, but her hale carcass made o' steel springs; an'




616                                SEEKING  THE HOUDY.
ower bush, ower brier, ower stock, an' ower stane  threw up her white face wi' sic a vengeance, that
she flew, I declare, an' so be it, faster than ever she gart me play at pitch-an'-toss up in the air.
an eagle flew through the firmament of the heavens. The foal nichered, an' the mare nichered, an' out
came the kimmers; an' I declare, a'n' so be it, there
was I lying in the gutter senseless, wanting the
plaid, an' wanting the bonnet, an' nae meedwife at
///  ago  6woS        a'; an' that's the truth, sir, I declare, an' so be it.
"Then they carried me in, an' they washed me,
an' they bathed me, an' at last I came to mysel';'t'TilXClll~jjiff       an', to be sure, I had gotten a bonny doughter, an'
- _~]l/Ii!!!!!it/i/~ t~ ~.~,.]~.    _  a' things war gaun on as weel as could be expectit.'What hae ye made o' your plaid, Robin?'says
r,,'~'~~'~ -   S  -            if ane. Whare's your bonnet, Robin?' says anither.'But, gudeness guide us! what's come o' the houdy,
Robin? Whare's the meedwife, Robin?' cried they' iM a' at aince. I trow this question gart me glower,..i":"       /~                            as I had seen a ghaist.'Och! huh!' cried the
"! ng | v  S  *  iM wives, an' held up their hands;'something has.!I1,LdS  L 1                                      liliZIll|||I~    happened! something has happened!  We see by
his looks!-Robin! what has happened?  Whare's
A:__12-   /1.the meedwife?'
@  "' Haud your tongue, Janet Reive; an' haud ye
your tongue too, Eppie Dickson,' says I,' an' dinna
speer that question at me again; for the houdy is
where the Lord will, an' where my. white-faced yaud
was pleased to pit her, and that's in the howe o' the
A___                 Birk-bush Linn.  Gin she be a human creature,
she's a' dashed to pieces: but an' she be nae a human creature, she may gang where she like for me;
an' that's true, I declare, an' so be it.'"
Now it must strike every reader, as it did me at
-_ —-.... first and for many years afterwards, that this mysterious nocturnal wanderer gave a most confused
"I kend then that I had either a witch or a mer- and unintelligible account of herself.  She was
maid on ahint me; but how was I now to get quit Robin's daughter; her name was Ellen Grieve; she
o' her. The hair halter had lost a' power, an' I had  was married to such and such a man; and had now
no other shift left, than to fix by instinct on the  become a peddler, and acted occasionally as a midmane wi' baith hands, an' cry out to the mare to  wife: and finally, when the two met there again, it
stop.'Wo, ye auld viper o' the pit! wo, ye beast would be time for Robin to be preparing for ano' Bashan!' I cries in outer desperation; but ay the  other state of existence. Now, in the first place,
louder I cried, the faster did the glyde flee. She  Robin never had a daughter till that very hour and
snored, an' she grained, an' she reirdit baith ahint instant when the woman rose out of the heatheran' afore; an' on she dashed, regardless of a' danger. bush and accosted him. All the rest appeared to
"I soon lost sight o' the ground-off gaed my  him like a confused dream, of which he had no
bonnet, an' away i' the wind-off gaed my plaid, comprehension, save that he could never again be
an' away i' the wind; an' there was I sitting lootch- prevailed on to pass that way alone by night; for
ing forret, cleaving the wind like an arrow out of a he had an impression that at some time or other he
bow, an' my een rinning, pouring like streams of should meet with- her again.
water from the south. At length we came to the    But by far the most curious part of this story is
Birk-bush Linn! and alangst the very verge of that yet to come, and it shall be related in few words.
awsome precipice, there was my dementit beast, Robin went with some others, as soon as it was day,
scouring like a fiery dragon.' Lord preserve me!' to the Birk-bush Linn, but there was neither body
cried I, loud out; an' I hadna weel said the word, nor blood to be seen, nor any appearance of a pertill my mare gae a tremendous plunge ower some- son having been killed or hurt. Robin's daughter
thing, I never kend what it was, and then down  was christened by the name of Ellen, after her mashe came on her nose. No rider could stand this ternal grandmother, so that her name was actually
concussion, an' I declare, an' so be it, the meed- Ellen Grieve: and from the time that Robin first
wife lost her haud, and ower the precipice she flew  saw his daughter, there never was a day on which
head foremost. I just gat ae glisk o' her as she was some of her looks did not bring the mysterious midgaun ower the top o' the birk-bush like a shot stern, wife to his mind. Thus far the story had proceedan' I heard her gae a waw like a cat; an' that was ed, when I heard it related; for I lived twelve
the last sight I saw o' her.                   months in the family, and the girl was then only
" I was then hanging by the mane an' the right about seven years of age. But, strange to relate,
hough; an' during the moment that my mare took  the midwife's short history of herself has turned out
to gather herser up, I recovered my seat, but only  the exact history of this once lovely girl's life; and
on the top o' the shoulder, for I couldna win to the  Robin, a few days before his death, met her at the
right place. The mare flew on as madly as ever; Kirk Cleuch, with a bundle on her back, and recogand frae the shoulder I came on the neck, an' for- nized his old friend in every lineament and article
ret, an' forret, piecemeal, till, just as I came to my  of attire. He related this to his wife as a secret,
ain door, I had gotten a grip o' baith the lugs. The  but added, that " he did not know whether it was
foal gae a screed of a nicher; on which the gyde  his real daughter whom he met or not."




SCOTCH COLLOPS.                                      617
Many are the traditions remaining in the coun-   I am exceedingly grieved at the discontinuance
try, relative to the seeking of midwives, or houdies, of midwifery, that primitive and original calling, in
as they are universally denominated all over the  this primitive and original country; for never were
south of Scotland; and strange adventures are re- there such merry groups in Scotland as the midlated as having happened in these precipitate excur- wives and their kimmers in former days, and never
sions, which were proverbially certain to happen  was there such store of capital stories and gossip
by night. Indeed it would appear, that there hard- circulated as on these occasions. But those days
ly ever was a midwife brought, but some incident are over! and alack, and wo is me! no future old
occurred indicative of the fate or fortunes of the  shepherd shall tell another tale of SEEKING THE
little forthcoming stranger; but, amongst them all, HOUDY?
I have selected this as the most remarkable.
LOVE IS LIKE A DIZZINESS.
BY JAMES HOGG.
I LATELY lived in quiet case,                   I wrought that morning out an' out,
An' ne'er wish'd to marry, 0!                   As I'd been redding fire, 0!
But when I saw my Peggy's face,                 When I had done an look'd about,
I felt a sad quandary, 0!                      Gudefaith, it was the byre, O!
Though wild as ony Athol deer,                       0, love, love, love! etc.
She has trepann'd me fairly, O!
Her cherry cheeks an' een sae clear             Her wily glance I'll ne'er forget,
Torment me late an' early, 0!                   The dear, the lovely blinkin o't
0, love, love, love!                       Has pierced me through an' through the heart,
Love is like a dizziness;                   An' plagues me wi' the prinkling o't.
It winna let a poor body                    I tried to sing, I tried to pray,
Gang about his biziness!                   I tried to drown't wi' drinkin' o't,
I tried wi' sport to drive't away,
But n'er can sleep for thinkin' o't.
To tell my feats this single week
Wad mak a daft-like diary,                         0 love love love
I drave my cart outow'r a dike,
My horses in a miry, 0!                       Nae man can tell what pains I prove,
My horses in a miry,                            O!
I wear my stockings white an' blue,                Or how severe my pliskie, O 
Mv love's sae fierce a  fiery O!   I swear I'm sairer drunk wi' love
I drill the land that I should plough,             Than ever I was wi' whiskey, O!
An' plough the drills entirely, 0 AFor love has raked me fore an' aft,
0, love, love, love! etc.                     I scarce can lift a leggie, O! _
I first grew dizzy, then gaed daft,
An' soon I'll dee for Peggy, 0O
Ae morning, by the dawn o' day,                      0, lovelove, love, love!
I rase to theek the stable, O!                       Love is like a dizziness
I kuest my coat, and plied away                      It winna let a poor body
As fast as ]was able, O!                            Gang about his biziness!
MORE THAN A PROVIDENTIAL ESCAPE. —A serving    A  HIGHLAND CABINETMAKER. —A young Highwoman, who was sent to bring water for some do- lander was apprenticed to a cabinetmaker in Glasmestic purposes, returned completely drenched, gow, and, as a first job, had a chest of veneered
after what was considered rather an unreasonable  drawers to clean and polish.  After a sufficient
length of time. Her mistress demanded what had  time had elapsed for doing the work assigned him,
kept her so long.  "Kept me so long!" said the  the foreman inquired whether he was ready with
dripping absentee, with a look of surprise, " deed, the dressers yet?  " Oich no; it's a tough job; I've
ye may be glad to see me again; the burn was run- almost taken the skin off my ain two hand before
nin' frae bank to brae. I missed a fit and fell in, I'll get it off the drawers."  "What!" replied the
and if it hadna been for Providence and another startled director of plane and chisel, "you are not
woman, I'd ha'e been drowned."                  taking the veneering off, you blockhead?" "What
I'll do then? I could not surely put a polish on
A WITTY REPLY.-Sir Walter Scott does not seem  before I'll teuk the bark aff!"
to have been the fool at school which some have
stated. Once, a boy in the same class was asked    A DESIDERATUM.-A traveller sitting down to a
by the " dominie" what part of speech with was. Scotch breakfast, gratified at the varied display of
"A noun, sir," said the boy.  "You young block- tempting viands, said to the lassie in attendance,
head," cried the pedagogue, "what example can  " there is nothing wanting here to prevent me from
you give of such a thing?"  "I can tell you, sir," making a most sumptuous breakfast, but an appeinterrupted Scott; "you know there's a verse in  tite."  " An appetite," said the poor creature,
the Bible which says,'they bound Samson with  anxious to please, " I dinna ken we ha' sic a thing
withs.'"                                        in a' the house, but rI'll rin and ask my mistress."




618                              THE WONDERFU' WEAN.
THE WONDERFU' WEAN.
BY WILLIAM MILLER.
OUR wean's the most wonderfu' wean e'er I saw,
It would tak' me a lang summer day to tell a'
His pranks, frae the mornin' till night shuts his e'e,
When he sleeps like a peerie,'tween father an' me.
For in his quiet turns, siccan questions he'll speir:I./'                           -
How the moon can stick up in the sky that's sae       i       
clear?
What gars the win' blaw? an' whar frae comes the  
rain?                                          t 
He's a perfect divert-he's a wonderfu' wean.            _   |;t tili 
Or wha was the first bodie's father? an' wha    3      j                  l 
Made the very first snaw-show'r that ever did fa'?           X i1An' wha made the first bird that sang on a tree?
An' the water that sooms a' the ships in the sea! —
But after I've tauld as weel as I ken,
Again he begins wi' his wha? an' his when?
An' he looks aye sae watchfu', the while I explain;
He's as auld as the hills-he's an auld-farrant wean.
And folk wha ha'e skill o' the lumps on the head,
Hint there's mae ways than toilin' o' winnin' ane's
bread;How he'll be a rich man, an' ha'e men to work for |
him,
Wi' a kyte like a bailie's, shug shugging afore him;
Wi' a face like the moon, sober, sonsy, and douce,
An' a back, for its breadth, like the side o' a house.'Tweel I'm unco ta'en up wi't, they mak' a' sae
plain;                                   But mid a' his daffin sic
He's just a town's-talk-he's a bye-ord'nar wean.  kindness he shows,
That he's dear to my
I ne'er can forget sic a laugh as I gat           heart as the dew to           __
To see him put on father's waistcoat and hat?    the rose;
Then the lang-leggit boots gaed sae far ower his An' the unclouded hinnie-beam aye in his e'e,
knees,                                   Mak's him every day dearer an' dearer to me.
The tap loops wi' his fingers he grippit wi' ease,    Though fortune be saucy, an' dorty, an' dour,
Then he marcht thro' the house, he marcht but, he  An' glooms thro' her fingers, like hills thro' a
marcht ben,                                     show'r,
Sae like mony mae o' our great-little men,      When bodies ha'e got ae bit baiti o' their ain,
That I leugh clean outright, for I couldna contain,  He can cheer up their hearts,-he's the wonderfu'
He was sic a conceit —-sic an ancient-like wean.      wean.
COC K IE-LEERIE-LA.
BY WILLIAM MILLER.
THERE is a country gentleman, who leads a thrifty  His step is firm and evenly, his look both grave and
life,                                          sageIlk morning scrapin' orra things thegither for his To bear his rich and stately tail should have a
wife —                                         pretty page;
His coat o' glowin' ruddy brown, and wavelet wi' An' tho' he hauds his head fu' hie, he glinteth to
gold —                                         the grun,
A crimson crown upon his head, well fitting one so Nor fyles his silver spurs in dubs wi' glow'rin' at
bold.                                          the sun:,
If ithers pick where he did scrape, he brings them  And whyles I've thoct had he a haun wharwi' to
to disgrace,                                   grip a stickie,
For, like a man o' mettle, he-siclike meets face to  A pair o' specks across his neb, an' roun his neck a
face;                                         dickie,
He gi'es the loons a letherin', a crackit croon to  That weans wad laughin' haud their sides, an' cryclaw-                                           "Preserve us a'!
There is nae gaun about the buss wi' Cockie-leerie- Ye're some frien' to Doctor Drawblood, douce
la!                                            Cockie-leerie-la!"




THE CHEATERIE PACKMAN.                                    619
So learn frae him to think nae shame to work for An' hain wi' care ilk sair-won plack, and honest
what ye need,                                  pride will fill
For he that gapes till he be fed, may gape till he Your purse wi' gear-e'en far-aff frien's will bring
be dead;                                       grist to your mill;
An' if ye live in idleness, ye'll find unto your An' if, when grown to be a man, your name's withcost,                                          out a flaw,
That they wha winna work in heat will hunger in Then rax your neck, and tune your pipes tothle frost.                                    Cockie-leerie-la!
THE CHEATERIE PACKMAN.
BY LEITCH RITCHIE.
The beings of the mind are not of clay. —BYRON.
IT was yet pretty early in the morning when I ing liberality, the various good things that constiarrived at the inn of Skreigh, and never having  tute a Scottish breakfast.
been in that part of the country before, my heart   "Are you not for breakfasting, good man," said
misgave me at the appearance of the house, and I I, at length, " before you go forth this morning?"
thought that surely I had mistaken the road, an    "No, please God," said he, with almost a jump,
awful idea to a man who had walked twelve miles " no carnal comfort shall pass my lips on this side
before breakfast! It was a huge, gray, dismantled  the mill of Warlock!"
edifice, standing alone in a wild country, and pre-   " The mill of Warlock!" repeated I, with surprise,
senting evident traces of a time when the bawbees "that should be at least twelve miles from thisof the traveller might have procured him lodgings and I can tell you, my friend, it is not pleasant
within its walls for a longer period than suited his travelling so far on an empty stomach. If you
convenience.  On entering the parlor, although  have any urgent reason for an abstinence that we
the " base uses" to which this ancient mansion had  of the kirk of Scotland attach no merit to, you
returned were clearly indicated by certain gill- should not have loitered in bed till this hour of the
stroups scattered about the dirty tables, yet the  morning."
extraordinary size of the room, the lowness of the    The packman at my reproof, put on a kind of
walls, and the scantiness of the furniture, kept up  blate look, but his features gathering gradually into
in my mind the associations which had been sug- solemnitygested by the exterior; and it was not till the aro-   "Sir," said he, " I have urgent reasons for my
ma of tea, and the still more " fragrant lunt" of a conduct, and while this weary wife is making out
Finnan haddie had saluted my senses, that the my score, I will, if you desire it, tell you the story."
visions of the olden time fled from my eyes.   Having eagerly signified my assent, the packman
While busy with my breakfast, another traveller wiped his glistening forehead, and with a heavy
came into the room. He had a pack on his back  sigh began to discourse as follows:and an ellwand in his hand, and appeared to be one    "Aweel, sir-it was at this time yesterday mornof those travelling philanthropists-answering to  ing I arrived at the mill of Warlock. The miller
the peddlers of the south-who carry into the holes was out, and his wife, glad of the opportunity,
and corners of the sylvan world the luxuries of the  rampauged over my pack like one demented.
city. Our scene being on the best side of the  She made me turn out every article in my aught,
Tweed, I need not say that the body had a sharp  and kept me bargaining about this and that, and
eye, an oily face, and a God-fearing look. He sat flyting by the hour about the price; and after all it
down over against me, upon one of the tables, to  came to pass that the jaud (God forgive me!) wantrest his pack, and from his shining shoes and order- ed naething of more value than three ells of riband!
ly apparel, I judged that he had passed the night in  You may be sure that I was not that pleased; and
the house, and was waiting to pay his score, and  what with fatigue, and what with my vexation,
fare forth again upon his journey. There was, not- while I was measuring the riband, and the wife
withstanding, a singular expression of fatigue on  sklanting round at the looking-glass, I just clipped
his yellow countenance. A common observer would - by mistake like-a half-ell short. Aweel, ye'll
have guessed that he had been brim-fou over night, say that was just naething after the fash I had had,
and had risen before he had quite slept off the ef- and moreover, I stoutly refused the second glass of
fects; but to me, who am curious in such matters, whiskey she offered me to the douroch; and so,
there appeared a something in his face which in- shouldering my pack again, I took the way in an
vested with a moral dignity an expression that evil hour to the inn of Skreigh.
would otherwise have been ludicrous or pitiable.  "It was late at night when I arrived here, and I
Ever and anon he turned a longing eye upon the had been on my legs all day, so that you may think
Finnan haddie, but as often edged himself with a my heart warmed to the auld biggin, and I looked
jerk farther away from the temptation; and when- forward to naething waur than a cozy seat by the
ever the landlady came into the room, his remon- ingle-side, or chat with the landlady —a douce
strances on her delay, at first delivered in a moan- woman, sir, and not aye so slow as the now, foul
ing, heart-broken tone, became at last absolutely  fa' her! (God forgive me!) forby, maybe, a half
cankered. The honest wife, however, appeared  mutchin-or twa: and all these things of a truth I
determined to extend the hospitality of breakfast had. Not that I exceeded the second stoup, a
to her guest, and made sundry lame excuses for not practice which I hold to be contra bonos mores"bringing ben his score," while she was occupied but ye'll no understand Latin? ye'll be from the
in displaying upon my table, with the most tempt- south? Aweel —but there was something mair, ye




620                            THE CHEATERIE PACKMAN.
ken, quite as necessary for a Christian traveller, was not a whish in the house, and not a stime of
and a wearied man; and at last, with a great gaunt, light in the room. I counted over my bargains for
I speered at the serving hizzie for my bedroom.    the day, and half wished I had not made the misz''Bed-room,' quo' she,' ye'll no be ganging to take with the miller's wife; I put my hand out at
sleep here the night?'                       the stock of the bed and felt my pack, amusing my"' Atweel,' said the mistress,'I am unco wae, self by thinking what was this lump and that; but
but every room in the house is fu'. Hout I it's but still I could not sleep. Then by degrees my other
a step to the town —no abune twal miles and a bit- senses, as well as the touch, wearied of being awake
tock-and ye ken every inch of the way as weel as and doing nothing-fiend tak them-(God forgive
the brass nails on your ellwand.' I wish I may be me!) sought employment. I listened as if in spite
forgi'en for the passion they put me intil!  To of myself, to hear whether there was any thing stirthink of sending me out such a gait my lane, and ring in the house, and looked out of the curtains to
near the sma' hours!                          see if any light came through the window chinks.
"'0O ye jaud!' cried I,'if the gudeman was no Not a whish-not a stime! Then I said my prayers
in the yird the night, ye would craw till a different over again, and began to wish grievously that the
tune!' and with that such a hulliballoo was raised creature had her half-ell of riband. Then my nose
amang us, that at last the folks began to put in must needs be in the hobble, and I thought I felt a
their shouthers at the door in their sarks to speer smell. It was not that bad a smell, but it was a smell
what was the matter.' I did not know, and therefore did not like. The air
"' Aweel, aweel,' said the landlady, in the hinder seemed close-feverish; I threw off the bedclothes,
end, quite forfaughten, a wilfu' man maun hae his and began to puff and pant. Oh, I did wish then
way. There is but ae room in the house where that I had never seen the physiog of the miller's wife!
there is no a living soul, and it's naething but an    "I began to be afraid. The entire silence seemauld lumber-room. However, if you can pass the ed strange, the utter darkness more strange, and
time with another half-mutchin while Jenny and me the strange smell stranger than all. I at first grasprig up the bed, it will be as much at your service ed at the bed-clothes, and pulled them over my
as a decenter place.' And so, having gotten the head; but I had bottled in the smell with me; and,
battle, I sat myself down again, and Jenny brought rendered intolerable by the heat, it seemed like the
in the other stoup-ye'll be saying that was the very essence of typhus. I threw off the clothes
third; but there's nae rule without an exception, again in a fright, and felt persuaded that I was just
and moreover ye ken,' three's aye canny.'    in the act of taking some awful fever. I would
"At last and at length, I got into my bed-room, have given the world to have been able to rise and
and it was no that ill-looking at all. It was a good open the window, but the world would have been
sizeable room, with a few sticks of old furniture, offered me in vain to do such a thing. I contented
forby a large old-fashioned bed. I laid my pack myself with flapping the sheet like a fan, and throwdown, as is my custom, by the Bledside, and after ing my arms abroad to catch the wind.
saying my prayers, put out the candle and tum-   " My right hand, which was towards the stock of
bled in.                                      the bed, constantly lighted upon my pack, but my
"Aweel, sir, whether it was owing to my being left could feel naething at all, save that there was a
over fatigued, or to the third stoup in defiance of space between the bed and the wall. At last, leanthe proverb being no canny, I know not, but for ing more over in that direction than heretofore,
the life of me I could not sleep. The bed was not my hand encountered something a little lower than
a bad bed, it was roomy and convenient, and there the surface of the bed, and I snatched it back with




THE SCOTTISH TEA-PARTY.                                  621
a smothered cry, I knew no more than the man in  was lying sleeping in a ditch.  To tell you the
the moon what the something was, but it sent a history of my thoughts at that time is impossible;
tingle through my frame, and I felt the sweat begin  but the miller's wife, wo be upon her! she rode
to break over my brow. I would have turned to  me like the night-hag. I think I must have been
the other side, but I felt as heavy to my own mus- asleep a part of the time, for I imagined that the
cles as if I had been made of lead; and besides, a wearisome half-ell of riband was tied about my neck
fearful curiosity nailed me to the spot. I persuaded like a halter, and that I was on the eve of being
myself that it was from this part of the bed that the choked. I ken not how long I tholed this torment;
smell arose. Soon, however, with a sudden despe- but at last I heard voices and sounds, as if the
ration, I plunged my hand again into the terrible sheriffs' officers of hell were about me, and in a
abyss, and it rested upon a cauld, stiff, clammy sudden agony of great fear, I opened my eyes.
face!                                             "It was broad morning; the sun was shining into
"Now, sir, I would have you to ken, that al- the room; and the landlady and her lasses were
though I cannot wrestle with the hidden sympathies riving my hand from the face of the corpse. After
of nature, I am not easily frightened. If the stout- casting a bewildered glance around, it was on that
est robber that ever broke breeks-ay, or ran bare, fearful object my eyes rested, and I recognized the
for there be such in the Hielands,-was to lay a fin- remains of an old serving lass, who it seems died
ger on my pack, I would haud on like grim death; the day before, and was huddled into that room, to
and it is not to tell, that I can flyte about ae baw- be out of the way of the company."
bee with the dourest wife in the country-side; but   At this moment the landlady entered the room
och, and alas! to see me at that moment, on the with his score, and while the packman sat wiping
braid of my back, with my eyes shut, and my teeth  his brow, entered upon her defence.
set, and one hand on the physiog of a corp! The    "Ye ken, sir," said she, "that ye wad sleep in the
greatest pain I endured was from the trembling of house, and a wilfu' man maun hae his way; but gin
my body, for the motion forced my hand into  ye had lain still, like an honest body wi' a clean
closer connection with the horrors of its resting- conscience, and no gaen rampauging about wi' your
place; while I had no more power to withdraw it hands where ye had no business, the feint a harm
than if it had been in the thumb-screws.       it would hae done ye!"  The packman only an"And there I lay, sir, with my eyes steeked, as swered with a glance of ire, as he thundered down
if with screw-nails, my brain wandering and con- the bawbees upon the table, and turning one last
fused, and whole rivers of sweat spouting down my  look upon the Finnan haddie, groaned deeply, and
body, till at times I thought I had got fou, and went forth upon his journey.
THE SCOTTISH TEA-PARTY.
BY JOHN DONALD CARRICK.
Now let's sing how Miss M'Wharty,        manner you've ridiculed me and my husband in
T'other evening had a party,             public companies!'' Mrs. Pinkerton,' quo' I,
To have a cup of tea;' what's that ye mean, mem?' and then she began
And how she had collected                and gied me a' the ill-mannered abuse you can posAll the friends that she respected,      sibly conceive. And I just says to her, quo' I,' Mrs.
All as merry as merry could be.        Pinkerton,' quo' I,'that's no what I cam to hear,
Dames and damsels came in dozens,        and if that's the way ye intend to gae on,' quo' I,'I
With two-three country cousins,          wish ye gude morning;' so I comes awa. Now I'll
In their lily-whites so gay;           tell ye what a' this was about. Ye see, it was just
Just to sit and chitter-chatter,         about the term time, ye ken, they flitted aboon us,
O'er a cup of scalding water,            and I gaed up on the term morning to see if they
In the fashion of the day.             wanted a kettle boiled or any thing o' that kind;
and when I gaed in, Mr. Pinkerton, he's sitting in
(Spoken in different female voices.)' Dear me, the middle o' the floor, and the barber's shaving him,
how hae ye been this lang time, mem9''Pretty  and the barber had laid a' his face round wi' the
weel, I thank ye, mem. How hae ye been yoursel?' white saip, and Mr. Pinkerton, ye ken, has a very red' O mem, I've been vera ill wi' the rheumatisms, nose, and the red nose sticking through the white
and though I were your tippet, I couldna be fu'er saip, just put me in mind o' a carrot sticking through
o' stitches than I am; but whan did ye see Mrs. a collyflower; and I very innocently happened to
Pinkerton?''0 mem, I haena seen her this lang  mention this in a party where I had been dining,
time. Did ye no hear that Mrs. Pinkerton and I and some officious body's gane and tell't Mrs. Pinhae had a difference?''No, mem, I didna hear. kerton, and Mrs. Pinkerton's ta'en this wonderfully
What was't about, mem?''I'll tell you what it amiss. What d'ye think o' Mrs. Pinks?''Deed,
was about, mem. I gaed o'er to ca' upon her ae mem, she's no worth your while; but did you hear
day, and when I gaed in, ye see, she's sitting feed- what happened to Mrs. Clapperton the ither day?'
ing the parrot, and I says to her,' Mrs. Pinkerton,'No, mem. What's happened to her, poor body?'
how d'ye do, mem?' and she never let on she heard'I'll tell you that, mem. You see, she was coming
me; and I says again,' Mrs. Pinkerton, how d'ye  down Montrose street, and she had on a red pelisse
do?' I says, and wi' that she turns about, and says and a white muff, and there's a bubbly-jock* coming
she,'Mrs. M'Saunter, I'm  really astonished you
should come and ask me how I do, considering the                 * Turkey-cock.




622                             THE SCOTTISH TEA-PARTY.
out o' the breweree-and whether the red pelisse very tooth I bought the day at the dentist's!''It
had ta'en the beast's eye or no, I dinna ken, but the  does na matter for that,' quo' he,'I lost it at Wabubbly-jock rins after Mrs. Clapperton,' and Mrs. terloo.''Ye lost it at Waterloo, sic nonsense!'
Clapperton ran, poor body, and the bubbly-jock after Weel, wi' that he comes forret to pit his finger into
her, and in crossing the causey, ye see, her fit slip- Mrs. M'Farlane's mouth to tak' the teeth out o' her
pet, and the muff flew frae her, and there's a cart mouth, and she gies a snap, and catch'd him by the
coming past, and the wheel o' the cart gaes o'er finger, and he gied a great scriech and took her a
the muff, and ae gentleman rins and lifts Mrs. Clap- gowf i' the side o' the head, and that waukened her,
perton, and anither lifts the muff, and when he and when she waukens, what has she gotten but
looks into the muff, what's there, but a wee bit Mr. M'Farlane's finger atween her teeth, and him
broken bottle, wi' a wee soup brandy in't; and the roaring like to gang out o' his judgment!! Noo,
gentlemen fell a looking and laughing to ane ani- Mr. M'Farlane has been gaun about wi' his thumb in a
ther, and they're gaun about to their dinner parties clout, and looking as surly as a bear, for he thinks
and their supper parties, and telling about Mrs. Mrs. M'Farlane had done it out o' spite, because he
Clapperton wi' the bubbly-jock and the bottle o' wadna let her buy a sofa at a sale the other day;
brandy. Now it's vera ill done o' the gentlemen to  noo it's vera ill-done o' Mr. M'Farlane to think ony
do any thing o' the kind, for Mrs. Clapperton was thing o' that kind, as if ony woman would gang
just like to drap down wi' perfect vexation, for she's and bite her ainflesh and blood if she kent o't.'
a body o' that kind o' laithfu' kind o' disposition, she
would just as soon take aquafortis as she would take  MAsks  t he ladies to beguile
brandy in ony clandestine kind o' manner!              A       sks the ladies to beguile
An hour with whist or loo;
Each gemman at his post now,                 While old uncle cries "Don't plague us;
In handing tea or toast now,                 Bring the toddy and the negusIs striving to outshine;                     We'll have a song or two."
While keen to find a handle                  "Oh dear me, uncle Joseph!
To tip a little scandal,                     Pray do not snap one's nose off;
The ladies all combine;                      You'll have toddy when you're dry,
Of this one's dress or carriage,             With a little ham and chicken,
Or t'other's death or marriage,              An' some other dainty pickin'
The dear chit-chat's kept up;                For the ladies, by-and-by."
While the lady from the table,'Weel, mem, how's your frien' Mrs. Howdyson
Is calling while she's ablnother     comin on in thae times, when there is sae muckle
"Will you have another cup?"          m
influenza gaun about amang families?' Mrs. How-'Dear me, you're no done, mem-you'll take an- dyson! na, ye maun ask somebody that kens better
other cup, mem-take out your spoon.''Oh no, about her than I do. I ha nae seen Mrs. Howdymem, I never take mair than ae cup upon ony occa- son for three months.'' Dear me! do ye tell me
sion.'' Toots, sic nonsense.''You may toots awa, sae? you that used to be like twa sisters! how did
but it's true sense, mem. And whan did ye see Mrs. sic a wonderfu' change as that come about?'''Deed,
Petticraw, mem?'' Deed, I haena seen her this mem, it was a very silly matter did it a'. Some five
lang time, and I'm no wanting to see her; she's a months since, ye see, mem (but ye maunna be
body o' that kind, that just gangs frae house to  speaking about it), Mrs. Howdyson called on me ae
house gathering clashes, and gets her tea here and forenoon, and after sitting awhile she drew a paper
her tea there, and tells in your house what she parcel out o' her muff:-' Ye'll no ken what this is?'
hears in mine, and when she begins, she claver said she.' No,' quo I,' it's no very likely.'' Weel,
clavers on and on, and the claver just comes frae it's my worthy husband's satin breeks, that he had
her as if it cam' aff a clew, and there's nae end o' on the day we were married; and I'm gaun awa to
her.''0 you maun excuse her, poor body, ye ken  Miss Gushat to get her to mak them into a bonnet
she's lost a' her teeth, and her tongue wearies in her for mysel. for I hae a great respect for them on acmouth wantin' company.''Deed they may excuse  count of him that's awa'.' Respect! thinks I to myher that wants her, for it's no me. Oh! ladies, did sel (for about this time she was spoke o' wi' Deacon
ye hear what's happened in Mr. M'Farlane's family? Purdie), queer kind o' respect! —trying to catch a
there's an awfu' circumstance happened in that new guidman wi' a bonnet made out o' the auld
family. Mr. and Mrs. M'Farlane haevna spoken to  ane's breeks! —but I said nothing. Weel, twa or
ane anither for this fortnight, and I'll tell you the three weeks after this, I was taking a walk wi'
reason o't. Mrs. M'Farlane, poor body, had lost anither lady, and wha should we meet but Mrs.
ane o' her teeth, and she gaed awa to the dentist to  Howdyson, wi' a fine, flashy, black satin bonnet on!
get a tooth put in, and the dentist showed her twa- So, we stopped, and chatted about the weather,
three kinds o' them, and amang the rest he showed  and the great mortality that was in the town, and
her a Waterloo ane, and she thought she would hae when shaking hands wi' her at parting, I, without
a Waterloo ane, poor body. Weel the dentist puts meaning ony ill, gae a nod at her bonnet, and hapin ane to her, and the tooth's running in her head  pened to say, in my thoughtless kind o' way,' Is that
a' day, and when she gangs to her bed at nicht, as the breeks?' never mindin' at the time that there
she tells me-but I'm  certain she must have been  was a stranger lady wi' me.  Now this was maybe
dreaming-just about ane or twa o'clock o' the wrang in me, but considering our intimacy, I never
morning, memn, just about ane or twa o'clock in the  dreamed she had ta'en't amiss till twa three Sunmorning, when she looks out o' her bed, there's a days after, I met her gaun to the kirk alang wi'
great lang sodger standing at the bedside, and  Miss Purdie, and I happened to hae on ane o' thae
quo' she,'Man, what are ye wanting?' she says. new fashionable bonnets-really, it was an elegant
Quo' he,'Mrs. M'Farlane, that's my tooth that ye've  shaped bonnet! and trimmed in the most tasteful
got in your mouth.'' Your tooth!' quo' she,' the  and becoming manner-it was, in short, such a bon



EXTRACTS FROM  THE LAIRD OF LOGAN.                                623
net as ony lady might have been proud to be seen  were aff, to be sure, which showed some sma' glimin. Weel, for a' that, mem, we hadna stood lang  mering o' sense, but the neck o' the beast was a'
before she began on my poor bonnet, and called it done up wi' fine cambric ruffles; these were to be
a' the ugly-looking things she could think o', and  ta'en aff, it seems, till it was roasted, and then it
advised me to gang hame and change it, for I was to get on its finery again, so as to appear in full
looked so vulgar and daftlike in't. At length I got puff before the company, and this was what she
nettled at her abuse, for I kent it was a' out o' called a turkey in ruffles.' Dear me, quo' I, this is a
spite; Mrs. Howdyson, says I, the bonnet may be  way o' dressing a turk&y I never saw before-I'm
baith vulgar and daftlike, as you say, but I'm  no  thinking the guidman hust have meant turkey and
half sae vulgar or sae daftlike as I wad be, if, like  truffles.''Truffles!' cried she, looking like a besome folks, I were gaun to the kirk wi' a pair o' wildered goose, and' what's truffles, in a' the world?'
auld breeks on my head! So I turns on my heel and'Just look your cookery-book, quo' I, and you'll
left them; but though it was the Sabbath-day, I find that truffles are no made o' cambric muslin.'
could not help thinking to mysel-my lady, I trow  Now, ladies did you ever hear such ignorance? but,
I've given you a lozenge to sook that'll keep you  better than that, she went on to tell me how she
frae sleeping better than ony confectionary you've  had sent the servant to the market to buy a hare,
ta'en to the kirk wi' ye this while.'           to mak soup o': but, says she,' what do you think'Weel, ladies, there are some strange kind o' the stupid creature did? instead of a hare, she
folks to be met with after a'. I've just been listen- brought me twa rabbits; now, ye ken, mem, rabing to your crack, and it puts me in mind of a new  bits dinna mak guid haresoup.''No, quo' I; haremarried lady I was visiting the ither day. Before  soup made o' rabbits may be a rare dish, but it's no
she was married, she was one of the dressiest belles to my taste.''That's just my opinion; so, as
we had about the town; and as for changing bon- they're gay and white in the flesh, I'm thinking just
nets, you would seldom meet her twice wi' the same to make a bit veal-pie o' them;-vhat do you think
ane on. But now, though she has been little mair o' that for economy?'Excellent, quo' I, if you
than three months married, she has become one of can manage it.''But,' said she,' I'm  to hae a
the most idle tawpie drabs that ever was seen, and  haggis too, as a novelty to some English gentlemen
has so many romantic fancies and stupid conceits that are to be of the party; now, I'm  thinking of
about her, that I often canna help pitying the poor having the bag of the haggis died turkey-red; it's
husband. Besides, she kens nae mair about house a fancy o' my ain, and I think it would astonish
matters than if she had never heard o' sic things. them; besides, it would cut such a dash on the taShe was an only dochter, you see, and, like the ewe's ble.''Dash on the table! quo' I, nae doubt it
pet lamb, she got mair licking than learning.  Just would cut a dash on the table; —but wha ever
to gie ye an instance o' her management,-she told  heard o' a turkey-red haggis before?' Now, I
me she was making preparations for a dinner that think, ladies, if my frien' can either make hare-soup
her husband was going to give in a day or twa, and, or a veal-pie out of a pair of rabbits, she'll be even
amang ither things, she said that he wanted a tur- a greater genius than Mrs. Howdyson, wi' her new
key in ruffles.''Turkey in ruffles! quo I, that's a bonnet made out o' a pair of auld breeks!'
queer kind o' a dish!''Queer as it is, I'll manage
it.''I would like to see it,' quo' I. So wi' that,      So thus to sit and chitter chatter
she rings the bell and orders the servant to bring it    O'er a cup o' scalding water,
ben. Weel, what's this but a turkey; the feathers I        Is the fashion o' the day.
EXTRACTS  FROM  "THE  LAIRD OF LOGAN."
BY JOHN DONALD CARRICK.
THE USUAL APOLOGY. —Logan happened one  Now, thinks the assailant, I shall certainly hedge
evening to be at a convivial party in Irvine, where  him.  " Well, Logan, still sticking to the old hat!"
the toast and the song performed their merry  "Hoot, man!" replies the wit, dryly, "what matround.  A lady present being called on to con- ters what I wear here?-everybody kens me."
tribute to the hilarity of the evening, excused
herself by saying she had only one song, and it was   LOVE AT SIGHT.-A servant girl, of no strong
so threadbare, she was afraid to sing it. "' Hoot, intellect, who lived with a lady in the neighborhood
madam," cried our wag, " so much the better, for of Paisley, one day surprised her mistress by giving
if its threadbare, you'll get the easier through it."  up her place. The lady inquired the cause, and
found that it was that fertile source of dissension
GOOD ExcUSE FOR A BAD HAT.-Logan, like some between mistress and maid-servant-a lad.  " And
other eccentrics, seems to have disliked parting  who is this lad?" inquired her mistress. "Ou, he's
with his old habiliments. Visiting London on some  a nice lad-a lad that sits in the kirk just forenant
occasion, he was met by an acquaintance in one of  me."  " And when does he intend that you and he
the fashionable regions of the city, who, observing  should be married?"  "I dinna ken."  "Are you
the Laird to have on a " shocking bad hat," could  sure he intends to marry you at all?"  "I daur say
not refrain from expressing his surprise at his negli- he does, mem."  "Have you had much of each
gence. "Oh," rejoins the wit, "it makes nae dif- other's company?"  "No yet."  "When did you
ference what I wear here-no ane kens me." This, last converse with him?"  "Deed, we hae nae conof course, was a settler. Some short time after- versed ava yet."  "Then how should you suppose
wards, however, the parties met again in Edinburgh, that he is going to marry you?" "Onu," replied the
at Logan's old favorite haunt-the old favorite  simple girl, "he's been lang lookin' at me, and I
chapeau still maintained its crowning eminence. think he'll soon be speakin'."




624                                AN AUDIBLE WITNESS.
AN AUDIBLE WITNESS.
BY ANDREW HENDERSON.
R.
SOME years ago, Lord       was presiding at a therefore,
circuit trial in Glasgow, where several females were let me tell
in succession examined as witnesses. Whether it you, once
arose from their unusual exposure in the witness for   all,
box, (a square structure in the centre of the Court that ifyou
Hall, elevated considerably above the floor,) from  speak not
fear of their expressions being laughed at, or from  at the top X
whatever cause, certain it is, they spoke so inaudi- of  your,
bly and indistinctly, that the jury, again and again, voice, you   I
complained, and his lordship as often admonished  shall  be
them to speak out; but, notwithstanding repeated  sent down
admonitions, they again and again resumed their to jail in an instant."  Ere this volley was well
under tone till of new reminded:-on this account, over, the witness, unconscious of wrong by him to
the patience of the Judge was most severely tried, call for such a threat, changed color —stared wildly
and by the time the examination was finished, he around-hitched up the headband of his small
was visibly suppressing great irritation.  At this clothes,-and betrayed such strange symptoms, that
juncture, there approached through the crowd, to- his lordship, imputing them to disrespect or inwards the witness box, a tall, stout fellow, with a difference, called out, "stand still, sir-mind what
fustian sleeved jacket, capacious corduroy inex- I've said to you."  This acted like an electric shock
pressibles, blue rig-and-fur hose, and strong lumps on the witness, for he instantly grasped the bar beof shoes, well supplied with tackets-who, with  fore him, stood stock-still, gaping as petrified. His
pavier-like thumps, tramped up the wooden steps lordship then resumed his seat, and called out to
into the box, laid his bonnet on the seat, and sous- the witness, " What's your name?"  "'Bauldy
ing himself down on it, stared about with seeming M'Luckie," was instantly roared out in a voice more
indifference, as if he had nothing more to do. resembling the discharge of a piece of artillery,
This uncom'mon nonchalance his lordship eyed  than the ordinary action of the vocal organs. The
with surprise, and having promptly ordered him to  amazement was succeeded by a burst of irrepressistand up, and administered the oath, he, with a ble laughter from the audience, and the lengthened
fearful scowl and gruff manner, addressed him: bawl of "Si-lence," by the macer, while the effect
"Witness, let me tell you, that my brother (mean- of it on his lordship was such, that, instinctively
ing the other Judge) and I have this day been put dropping the pen, clapping both hands to his ears,
to great trouble examining witnesses who would not, and looking daggers at Bauldy, he exclaimed,
or could not, speak above their breath;-now, sir, I "What's the meaning of that, sir?"  Bauldy, who
see you're a strong young man, and being a carter, thought his lordship now meant to quarrel with
as I understand, and accustomed to speak out to him for not speaking loud enough, immediately anyour horses, you can have no such apology; and, swered in the same tone, " I never spoke louder to




CATCHING A TARTAR.                                    625
the brutes in my life."  A perfect explosion of get away. This operated like a charm; Bauldy
laughter succeeded; which, for some time, defied  and bonnet were instantly in motion. His precievery effort of the macer and the court to get re- pitate tramp down the narrow  steps, however,
pressed; even his lordship, whose kindness of ended rather ungracefully, for having tripped himheart was well known, smilingly observed, " Surely  self, down he came, at length, on the top of a man,
you don't consider us your brutes, sir,-you should  whose rueful gestures and looks, under the weight
know there's a difference betwixt roaring and speak- and desperate grasp of Bauldy, found no consolaing. Remember where you're standing, sir." This tion or apology, other than the convulsive laughter
memento wrought on Bauldy prodigiously-his of the audience, and the hasty remark of Bauldy at
hands clenched convulsively the bar in front-the  striding away-" Did ye e'er see sick a cankry bufperspiration broke in drops on his face —his eyes fer as that."  On getting outside the court, Bauldy's
seemed fixed, and his whole frame fearfully agitated. mother and some cronies were overheard asking
In vain were questions put to him from both sides him how he had come on;-" Come on," said he,
of the bar-fruitless were expostulations or threats "I thought the auld buffer would hae worried me;
-his answers were all of the non mi recordo class, he said he would send me down to jail whaur I
except two, to which no importance seemed at- stood-I lost my sight-and gaed clean doited-I
tached by any one, unless Bauldy, namely, "That was like to swarf, but I held firm by the bauk, for
he staid wi' his mither in the Briggate; and he fear they might knock the boddom frae neath my
kent she was aulder than himsel'."  Seeing, there- feet, and send me below in an instant, as he saidfore, that nothing further could be elicited from  yon's nae fun ava. Come awa, lads, my throat's as
Bauldy, his lordship imputed it to Bauldy's wish to  dry as a whistle, and gi'e me a dram to draik the
conceal the truth, in a surly manner ordered him to  dust."
CATCHING A TARTAR.
ant unpbigebj  #1qftrx from  " ft life of Matsie 1Eath, fUe Qtrair."
BY DAVID MACBETH MOIR (DELTA).
FROMt the first moment I clapped eye on the  smith's, to get it singed, having been despatched
caricature thing of a coat, that Tommy Bodkin  there by her mistress. Running round the counter
had, in my absence, shaped out for Cursecowl the  like lightning, I opened the sneck, and hallooed to
butcher, I foresaw, in my own mind, that a catas- her to wheel to the right about, having, somehow
trophe was brewing for us; and never did soldier or other, a superstitious longing to look at the
gird himself to fight the French, or sailor prepare  article. As I was saying, there was a Providence
for a sea-storm, with greater alacrity, than I did to  in this, which, at the time, mortal man could never
cope with the bull-dog anger, and buffet back the have thought of.
uproarious vengeance of our heathenish customer.    James Batter had popped in with a newspaper
At first I thought of letting the thing take its in his hand, to read me a curious account of a
natural course, and of threaping down Cursecowl's Mermaid, that was seen singing a Gaelic song,
throat, that he must have been feloniously keeping  and combing its hair with a tortoiseshell comb,
in his breath, when Tommy took his measure; and, someway terrible far north about Shetland, by a
moreover, that as it was the fashion to be straight- respectable minister of the district, riding home in
laced, Tommy had done his utmost, trying to make the gloaming, after a presbytery dinner. So, as he
him look like his betters; till, my conscience check- was just taking off his spectacles cannily, and saying me for such a nefarious intention, I endeavored, ing to me —" And was not that droll?"-the lassie
as became me in the relations of man, merchant, spread down her towel on the counter, when, lo!
and Christian, to solder the matter peaceably, and  and behold! such an abominable spectacle I James
show him, if there was a fault committed, that Batter observing me run back, and turn white, put
there was no evil intention on my side of the house. on his glasses again, cannily taking them out of his
To this end, I despatched the bit servant wench, on  well-worn shagreen case, and, giving a stare down
the Friday afternoon, to deliver the coat, which  at the towel, almost touched the beast's nose with
was neatly tied up in brown paper, and directed-  his own.
"Mr. Cursecowl, with care," and to buy a sheep's    " And what in the name of goodness is the mathead; bidding her, by way of being civil, give my  ter?" quo' James Batter; I" ye seem in a wonderful
kind compliments, and enquire how Mr. and Mrs. quandary!"
Cursecowl, and the five little Miss Cursecowls, were   "The matter!" answered I, in astonishment;
keeping their healths, and trusting to his honor in looking to see if the man had lost his sight or his
sending me a good article. But have a moment's senses-" the matter! who ever saw a sheep's head
patience.                                      with straight horns, and a visnomy, all colors of the
Being busy at the time, turning a pair of kutti- rainbow-red, blue, orange, green, yellow, white,
kins for old Mr. Mooleypouch, the mealmonger, and black?"
when the lassie came back, I had no mind of ask-   "Deed it is," said James, after a nearer inspecing a sight of the sheep's head, as I aye like the tion; " it must be a lowsy-naturay.  I'm sure I
little black-faced, in preference to the white, fat, have read most of Buffon's books, and I have never
fozy Cheviot-breed; but, most providentially, I heard tell of the like. It's gey and querish."
catched a gliskie of the wench passing the shop-   "Od! James," answered I, "ye take every thing
window, on the road over to Jacob Coom, the  very canny; you're a philosopher, to be sure; but,




626                                C TCING A TARTAR.
I dare say, if the moon was to fall from the lift, with the new killing-coat in his hand, —which, givand knock down the old kirk, ye would say no ing a tremendous curse, the words of which are not
more than'it's gey and queerish."'             essentially necessary for me to repeat, being an
"Queerish, man! do ye not see that?" added I, elder of our kirk, he made play flee at me with
shoving down his head mostly on the top of it. such a birr, that it twisted round my neck, and
"Do ye not see that? awful, most awful! extonish- mostly blinding me, made me doze like a tottum.
ing!! Do ye not see that long beard? Who, in  At the same time, to clear his way, and the better
the name of goodness, ever was an eye-witness to a to enable him to take a good mark, he gave James
sheep's head, in a Christian land, with a beard iike Batter a shove, that made him stoiter against the
an unshaven jew, crying' owl clowes,' with a green  wall, and snacked the good new farthing tobaccobag over his left shoulder!"                  pipe, that James was taking his first whiff out of;
"Dog on it," said James, giving a fidge with his crying, at the same blessed moment-" Hold out o'
hainches; " Dog on it, as I am a living sinner, that my road, ye long withered wabster. Ye're a pair
is the head of a Willy goat."                   of havering idiots; but I'll have pennyworths out
" Willie, or Nannie," answered I, "it's not meat of both your skins, as I'm a sinner!"
for me; and never shall an ounce of it eross the    What was to be done? There was no time for
craig of my family;-rthat is, as sure as ever James speaking, for Cursecowl, foaming like a mad dog
Batter drave a shuttle.  Give counsel in need, with passion, seized hold of the ellwand, which he
James; what is to be done P"                   flourished round his head like a highlander's broad
"That needs consideration," quo' James, giving sword; and, stamping about, with his stockings
a bit hoast. "Unless he makes ample apology, and  drawn up his thighs, threatened every moment to
explains the mistake in a feasible way, it is my commit bloody murder.
humble opinion that he ought to be summoned be-   If James Batter never saw service before, he
fore his betters. That is the legal way to make learned a little of it that day, being in a pickle of
him smart for his sins."                        bodily terror not to be imagined by living man;
At last, a thought struck me, and I saw farther but his presence of mind did not forsake him, and
through my difficulties than ever mortal man did he cowered for safety and succor into a far corner,
through a millstone; but, like a politician, I minted  holding out a web of buckram before him,-me
not the matter to James, keeping my tongue can- crying all the time, "Send for the town-officer!
nily within my teeth. I then laid the head, wrapped will ye not send for the town-officer?"
up in the bit towel, in a corner behind the counter;   You may talk of your General Moores, and your
and, turning my face round again to James, I put Lord Wellingtons, as ye like; but never, since I
my hands into my breeches pockets, as if nothing  was born, did I ever see or hear tell of any thing
in the world had happened, and ventured back to  braver than the way Tommy Bodkin behaved, in
the story of the Mermaid. I asked him how she saving both our precious lives, at that blessed nick
looked —what kind of dress she wore-if she swam  of time, from touch-and-go jeopardy; for, when
with her corsets-what was the color of her hair-   Cursecowl was rampaging about, cursing and swearwhere she would buy the tortoiseshell comb-and ing like a Russian bear, hurling out vollies of oaths
so on; when, just as he was clearing his pipe to  that would have frighted John Knox, forbye the
reply, who should burst open the shop-door, like a like of us, Tommy stole in behind him like a wild
clap of thunder, with burning cat's een, and a face cat, followed by Joseph Breekey, Jerry Staytape,
as red as a soldier's jacket, but Cursecowl himself, and Jack Thorl, the three apprentices, on their
Ii                              C).('t
i lili~~ ~   I                                           CC~1',~   ~,,- i:I ii,,i~.,i1iii~ ii 




CATCHING A TARTAR.                                   627
stocking holes, and, having strong and dumpy arms, tion paper with a broad margin, to claw your elbow
pinned back his elbows like a flash of lightning, with at your leisure, my good fellow."
giving the other callants time to jump on his back,   "Pugh, pugh," cried Cursecowl, snapping his
and hold him like a vice; while, having got time to  finger and thumb at James's beak, " I do not value
draw my breath, and screw up my pluck, I ran for- your threatening an ill halfpenny. Come away out
ward like a lion, and houghed the whole concern-  your ways to the crown of the causeway, and I'll
Tommy Bodkin, the three faithful apprentices, box any three of ye, over the banny's, for half-a
Cursecowl, and all, coming to the ground like a mutchkin. But od'sake, Batter, my man, nobody's
battered castle.                              speaking to you," added Cursecowl, giving a hack
It was now James Batter's turn to come up in now and then, and a bit spit down on the floor:
line; and, though a douce man (being savage for "go hame, man, and get your cowl washed; I dare
the insulting way that Cursecowl had dared to use say you have pushioned me, so I have no more to
him), he dropped down like mad, with his knees on say to the like of you. But now, Maister Wauch,
Cursecowl's breast, who was yelling, roaring, and just speaking hooly and fairly, do you not think
grinding his buck-teeth like a mad bull, kicking  black burning shame of yourself, for putting such
right and spurring left with fire and fury; and, an article into any decent Christian man's hand,
taking his Kilmarnock off his head, thrust it, like a like mine?"
battering ram, into Cursecowl's mouth, to hinder   "Wait a wee —wait a wee, friend, and I'll give
him from alarming the neighborhood, and bringing  ye a lock salt to your broth," answered I, in a calm
the whole world about our ears. Such a stramash  and cool way; for, being a confidential elder of
of tumbling, roaring, tearing, swearing, kicking, Maister Wiggie's, I kept myself free from the sin of
pushing, cuffing, roughing, and riving about the getting into a passion, or fighting, except in selffloor!! I thought they would not have left one defence, which is forbidden neither by law nor
another with a shirt on; it seemed a combat even  gospel; and, stooping down, I took up the towel
to the death. Cursecowl's breath was chocked up from the corner, and, spreading it upon the counter,
within him like wind in an empty bladder, and when bade him look, and see if he knew an auld acI got a gliskie of bis face, from beneath James's quaintance!
cowl, it was growing as black as the crown of my    Cursecowl, to be such a dragoon, had some rahat. It feared me much that murder would be the tional points in his character; so, seeing that he
upshot, the webs being all heeled over, both of lent hear to me with a smirk on his rough red face,
broad cloth, buckram, cassimir, and Welch flannel; I went on: " Take my advice as a friend, and make
and the paper shapings and worsted rounds coiled the best of your way home, killing-coat and all;
about their throats and bodies like fiery serpents. for the most perfect will sometimes fall into an inAt long and last, I thought it became me, being  nocent mistake, and, at any rate, it cannot be
the head'of the house, to sound a parley, and bid helped now. But if ye show any symptom of obthem give the savage a mouthful of fresh air, to see strapulosity, I'll find myself under the necessity of
if he had any thing to say in his defence.    publishing you abroad to the world for what you
Cursecowl, by this time, had forcible assurance are, and show about that head in the towel for a
of our ability to overpower him, and finding he had  wonder to broad Scotland, in a manner that will
by far the worst of it, was obliged to grow tamer, make customers flee from your booth, as if it was
using the first breath he got to cry out, "A barley, infected with the seven plagues of Egypt."
ye thieves, a barley!  I tell ye, give me wind.   At sight of the goat's-head, Cursecowl clapped
There's not a man in nine of ye!"            his hand on his thigh two or three times, and could
Finding our own strength, we saw, by this time, scarcely muster good manners enough to keep him
that we were masters of the field; nevertheless we from bursting out a laughing.
took care to make good terms, when they were in   "Ye seem to have found a fiddle, friend," said I;
our power; nor would we allow Cursecowl to sit "but give me leave to tell you, that ye'll may be
upright, till after he had said, three times over, on find it liker a hanging-match than a musical matter.
his honor as a gentleman, that he would behave as Are you not aware that I could hand you over to
became one.                                   the sheriff, on two special indictments: in the first
After giving his breeches-knees a skuff with his place, for an action of assault and batterfication, in
loof, to dad off the stoure, he came, right foot cuffing me, an elder of our kirk, with a sticked
foremost, to the counter side, while the laddies were killing-coat, in my own shop; and, in the second
dighting their brows, and stowing away the webs place, as a swindler, imposing on his Majesty's loyal
upon their ends round about, saying, "Maister subjects, taking the coin of the realm on false preWauch, how have ye the conscience to send hame tences, and palming off goat's flesh upon Christians,
such a piece o' wark as that coat to ony decent as if they were perfect pagans."
man? Do ye dare to imagine that I am a Jerusa-   Heathen though Cursecowl was, this oration
lem spider, that I could be crammed, neck and  alarmed him in a jiffy, soon showing him, in a couple
heels, into such a thing as that? Fye, shame-it of hurries, that it was necessary for him to be our
would not button on yourself, man, scarecrow-look- humble servant: so he said, still keeping the smirk
ing mortal though ye be!"                    on his face, "Kay, kay, it's not worth making a
James Batter's blood was now up, and broiling  noise about, after all. Gie me the jacket, Mansie,
like an old Roman's; so he was determined to show  my man, and it'll maybe serve my nephew, young
Cursecowl that I had a friend in court, able and  Killim, who is as lingit in the waiste as a wasp.
willing to keep him at stave's-end. " Keep a calm  Let us take a shake of your paw over the counter,
soogh," said James Batter, interfering, " and not and be friends. Bye-ganes should be bye-ganes."
miscall the head of the house in his own shop; or,   Never let it be said that Mansie Wauch, though
to say nothing of present consequences, by way of one of the king's volunteers, ever thrust aside the
showing ye the road to the door, perhaps Maister olive branch of peace; so, ill-used though I had
Sneckdrawer, the penny-writer,'1l give ye a cap- been, to say nothing of James Batter, who had got




628                                CATCHING A TARTAR.
his pipe smashed to crunches, and one of the eyes found mortal fault with the colors, which, she said,
of his spectacles knocked out, I gave him my fist "were not canny, or in the course of nature."
frankly.                                       What the fourth one said, and the fifth one took
James Batter's birse had been so fiercely put up, leave to observe, I have stupidly forgotten, though,
and no wonder, that it was not so easily sleeked  I am sure, I heard both; but I mind one.remarked,
down; so, for a while, he looked unco glum, till quite off-hand, as she sought back her money, that,
Cursecowl insisted that our meeting should not be  "unless sheep could do without beards, like their
a dry one; nor would he hear a single word on me neighbors, she would keep the pot boiling with a
and James Batter not accepting his treat of a mutch- piece beef, in the mean time."  After all this, would
kin of Kilbagie.                               any mortal man believe, Deacon Paunch, the greasy
I did not think James would have been so doure  Daniel Lambert that he is, had taken the wager, as
and refractory,-funking and flinging like old Jero- I before took opportunity to remark, that our family
boam; but at last, with the persuasion of the treat, would swallow the bait? But, ah ha, he was off his
he came to, and, sleeking down his front hair, we eggs there.
all three took a step down to the far end of the    James and me were so tickled with Cursecowl's
close, at the back street, where widow Thompson  wild, outrageous, off-hand, humorsome way of tellkept the sign of " The Tankard and the Tappit Hen," ing his crack, that, though sore with the neighering,
Cursecowl, when we got ourselves seated, ordering  none of the two of us ever thought of rising; Cursein the spirits with a loud rap on the table with his cowl chapping in first one stoup, and then another,
knuckles, and a whistle on the landlady through  and birling the tankard round the table, as if we
his fore-teeth, that made the roof ring. A bottle  had been drinking dub-water. I dare say I would
of beer was also brought; so, after drinking one never have got away, had I not slipped out behind
another's healths round, with a tasting out of the  Lucky Thompson's back-for she was a broad fat
dram-glass, Cursecowl swashed the rest of the raw  body, with a round-eared mutch, and a full-plaited
creature into the tankard, saying,-" Now take check apron-when she was drawing the sixth
your will o't; there's drink fit for a king; that's bottle of small beer, with her corkscrew between
real'pap-in."'                                 her knees; Cursecowl lecturing away at the dividHe was an awful body, Cursecowl, and had a ual moment, like a Glasgow professor, to James
power of queer stories, which, weil-a-wat, did not Batter, whose een were gathering straws, on a
lose in the telling. James Batter, beginning to  pliskie he had once, in the course of trade, played
brighten up, hodged and leuch like a nine-year-old; on a conceited body of a French sick-nurse, by selland I freely confess, for another, that I was so di- ing her a lump of fat pork to make beef-tea of to
verted, that, I dare say, had it not been for his her mistress, who was dwining in the blue Beelfearsome oaths, which made our very hair stand on zebubs.
end, and were enough to open the stone-wall, we    Ohone, and woes me, for old Father Adam and
would have both sate from that time to this.   the fall of man! Poor, sober, good, honest James
We got the whole story of the Willie-Goat, out Batter was not, by a thousand miles, a match for
and out, it seeming to be, with Cursecowl, a prime siuch company.  Every thing, however, has its
matter of diversion, especially that part of it relating to the head, by which he had won a crown-piece
from Deacon Paunch, who wagered that the wife
and me would eat it, without ever finding out our
mistake. But, ah ha, lad!                                                    1
The long and the short of the matter was this.  
The Willie-Goat had, for eighteen year, belonged                  $           //ll      -
to a dragoon marching regiment, and, in its better  
days, had seen a power of service abroad; till,                      i
being now old and infirm, it had fallen off one of
the baggage-carts, and got its leg broken on the  
road to Piershell, where it was sold to Cursecowl,
by a corporal, for half-a-crown and a dram. The
four quarters he had managed to sell for mutton,
like lightning-this one buying a jigget, that one a
back-ribs, and so on. However, he had to weather
a gay brisk gale, in making his point good. One
woman remarked, that it had an unearthly, rank
smell; to which he said, "No, no-ye do not ken 
your blessings, friend,-that's the smell of venison,
for the beast was brought up along with the deers
in the Duke's parks."  And to another wife, that,
after smell-smelling at it, though it was a wee
humphed, he replied, "Faith, that's all the thanks
folks gets for letting their sheep crop heather among
the Cheviot Hills;" and such like lies. But as for
the head, that had been the doure business. Six   -
times had it been sold and away, and six times had
it been brought back again. One bairn said, that
her " mother did na like a sheep's head with horns
like these, and wanted it changed for another one."
A second one said, that " it had tup's een, and her moral, and the truth will out. When Nanse and
father liked weather mutton."  A third customer me were sitting at our breakfast next morning,




TIIE ASS TURNED  GENTLEMAN.                                    629
we heard from  Benjie, who had been early up  pable, far in the night, by Cursecowl and an Irish
fishing for eels at the waterside, that the whole  laborer-that sleeped in Widow Thompson's gartown-talk was concerning the misfortunate James ret-on  a hand-barrow, borrowed from  Maister
Batter, who had been carried home, totally inca- Wiggie's servant-lass, Jenny Jessamine.
THE ASS TURNED GENTLEMAN,
BY ALEXANDER RODGERS.:   \ I)  II
natural agency, either benevolent;
cyN the year 17-, before the lins, faghtiries
of literature and science had made
such progress among the peasantry
of this country.  Aftwhen our less's furniture, and away
lightened forefathers ascribed every
phenomenon of nature, which they                                                     honest cadger
did not understand, to some supernatural agency, either benevolent           i                            r 
or malevolent, as the case might beass transformed into
and an avowal of disbelief in the
existence of witchcraft, necroman-                                  he held up his hands in the utcy, the black art, hobgroblins, fairies,
brownies, etc., would have subjected a person to  get him  easily sold-return with the money-pay
more annoyance and persecution, than an open  the bill-and leave me to get outof the halter the
avowal of infidelity would do at present-three  best way I can."
young  men of family set out from Edinburnsultah, on a    The plan was instantly put in practice; the youth
pleasure excursion into the country.  After visiting  was soon accoutred in the ass's furn, piture, and away
Linlithow  Falkirk disagreeable Stirling, and Glasgow, they  went the other tforgto sell the ass.
took up their quarters at the head inn in Midealder,   In the mean time, out comes the honest cadger
odients than their way back to Auld Reekie. Finding a set from the house, where he had been makilg a conof youtodful revellers there to their mind, they sent tract anith the guidife fr eggs; but the momehun-t
several daboth himself and nights in drinking and carousing, he beheld, as he supposed, his ass transformed into
never dreaming of the heavy bill they were run- a fine gentleman, he held up his hands in the utding up with the "kind landlady."  The truth  nost wonder, exclaiming at the same time, " Guid
flashed upon them  at last; and they discovered, hae a care o' us! what means a' this ot?  Speak,
when it was too late, that they had not wherewithal in the name o' Gude, an' tell me in at ye are-are
to clear their heavy score.  A  consultation was ye an earthly creature, or the aild thief himsel'?"
held by the trio, and many plans for getting rid of    "AlSc as!" responded the youth, p!-tting on a sad
their disagreeable situation were proposed and re- countenance, "hae ye forgotten your ain ass?  Do
ected.  At last, one of them, more fertile in expe- ye no ken me now-?-me  that has served you sae
dients than the other two, hit upon the following  langr and sae faithfu'; that has trudged and toiled
method, which good fortune seemed to favor, of tx- through wat and through dry, mid cauld and huntricating both himself and his brethren:-         ger; hooted at by blackguard callants-lashed by
"Don't you see yon cadger's ass standing at the  yoursel'-an' yet ye dinna ken me!  Waes me,
door over the way?" said he.                      that ever I becam' your ass! that ever I should, by
"Yes; but what of that?"                       my ain disobedience, hac cast out wi' my father,
"Come along with me-loose the ass-unburden  an' provoked him to turn me into a stupid creature
him of his creels-disengage him from his sunks sic as ye now see me!"
and branks-put me in his place-equip me with    " Sic as I now see ye!-instead o' an ass, I now
his harness-hang the creels likewise upon me-tie  see a braw young gentleman."
me to the door with his own halter-get another    "A braw young gentleman!-0 Gude be praised
for him-lead him away to the next town-you will that my father has at last been pleased to restore me
41




630                             THE SCHOOL FOR SCAMPS.
to my ain shape, and that I can now see wi' the    Away went the youth, released from his bondage,
een, an' speak-wi' the tongue o' a man!"      and soon meeting with his comrades, related, to
" But wha are ye, my braw lad, and wha is your their joint gratification, his strange adventure with
father?"                                      the honest cadger. Suffice it to say, that the ass
"Oh, did you never hear o' Maister James San- was sold, the bill paid, and the youths got safely
dilands, the third son o' the Earl o' Torpichen?"    back to Edinburgh.
"Heard o' him! ay, an' kent him too, when he   So soon as they got matters arranged, they sent
was a bairn, but he was sent awa' abroad when he a sum to the worthy cadger, sufficient to purchase
was young, an' I ne'er heard tell o' him sin' syne."  three asses. On receiving the money, he lost no
"Weel, I'm that same Maister James; and ye time in looking out for another ass, and as next
maun ken that my father learned the black art at week was "Calder fair," he repaired thither with
the college, an' that I happened to anger him by the full intention of making a purchase. He was
makin' love to a fine young leddy, against his will, not long in the fair, looking about for an animal to
an' that, in short, when he faund out that I was suit his purpose, when, behold! he saw with new
in love wi' her, he turned me into an ass for my  wonder and astonishment, his own identical old ass!
disobedience."                                 The dumb brute. knew him also, and made signs of
"Weel, weel, my man, since that is the case, gae recognition in the best manner he could. The
awa' hame, an' gree wi' your father; tak' my bless- honest cadger could not contain himself, the'tears
ing wi you, an' I will e'en try to get anither ass, gushed from his eyes, he looked wistfully in the
whether your father send me as muckle siller as buy  creature's face, and anxiously cried out, "Gude
anither ane or no; fare ye weel, an' my blessing have a care o' us! hae you and your father cuisten
gang wi' you."                                 out again?"
THE SCHOOL FOR SCAMPS.
(3 "ftlianr 41Mb  omcbg," iat <ibe scts.)   dtitntfre  fo flje tegitimists.
BY ANGUS B. REACH.
DRAMATIS PERSONSE.                             Enter Lawyer Venom.
LORD BELMONT.          SIR FREDERICK MALISON.    LAWYER VENOM. How is your Lordship?  PlotLAWYER VENOM.          OLD GOPUs.              ting mischief? Ha! ha! ha! Nothing like it. I
YOUNG GOPUs.           FRANK FRIENDLY.         hate all the world; don't you? Here is the instruHODGE COWSLIP.         JERRY COWSLIP (his son.)   ment for turning the Cowslips out of their cottageLADY BELMONT.          MATILDA BELMONT.       it only wants your signature.     [ Gives paper.
MRS. GOPus.            DORCAS COWSLIP.           LORD BELMONT. Alas! must I affix it? (Aside.)
Crime, crime, how thou forcest us on from one
ACT I.                     villany to another.               [He writes.
SCENE. I.-A Room in Lord Belmont's House.Scene closes.
SCENE II.-A Street in the Village.
Enter Old Gopus and Young Gopus.
OLD Gopus. Stick up, my boy; stick up to Miss
Belmont. You are the fellow for her. Gad! when
I was your ageYOUNG GOPUS.  Oh! You old heathen!  Go
along. But do you think she'd have me, dad?
OLD GoPus. Think. D, I know it. She'd
jump at you like a cat-a-mountain. Phew!
-i                       YOUNG GOPUS. I'm in such spirits. (Sings) Fal
de ral de ral de la.
[Exeunt both, dancing and singing.
SCENE III.-A Room in Lord Belmont's House.
Enter Lady Belmont and Miss Belmont.
_ —v_ *      \aLADY BELMONT. Pr'ythee, child, talk no more.
-_____                            The blood of the Belmonts-.)                   MIss BELMONT. Can never be degraded by an
alliance in which love consecrates the heart, and
honor seals the hands.
LADY BELMONT. Sir FrederickLORD BELMONT. Why did I do it?  Why did I   Miss BELMONT. Again that odious name.
forge the deeds which made me the lord of all I see
around me? Why did I cause my sister's child to    Enter Sir Frederick unperceived at back.
be kidnapped, and sent to sea? Oh, Remorse! Oh,   SIR FREDERICK (aside). Ha! Confusion!
Despair! How the throbbing of a guilty brow    LADY BELMONT. While that Frank Friendlyshakes the coronet which gilds it.  Ha! who's   Miss BELMONT.  Frank  Friendly!  Heavenly
there? My evil genius!                        sound!




THE SCHOOL FOR SCAMPS.                                     631
Enter.Frank Friendly, unperceived, at back.                     ACT III.
FRANK (aside). Ha! Blessings on her!           Lord Belmont's Garden.-Enter Friendly and Miss
LADY BELMONT. I tell you you shall be the wife                 Belmont, talking.
of-..FRIENDLY. It was so. I know not my parents —
Friendly and Malison coming forward, and both  I never did. My love for you is my only solacespeaking together-                               my only comfort.
FRIENDLY AND MALISON. Of me.                     Miss BELMONT. Be still, bursting heart!  Oh,
The two Ladies faint in each other's arms, while Frank, do you really love me?
the Rivals gaze furiously on each other over them.  FRIENDLY. And can then Miss Belmont doubt
the sincerity of my devotion?
MIss BELMONT. Never.  For the heart which
worships at the shrine is hallowed by the altar.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II. The Village.-Enter Jerry Cowslip.
JERRY. Dang'd if I beant as glad as our red. cow in a field of clover, loike.
Enter Venom.
VENOM. Know that Friendly, in the guise of beDROP FALLS.                    nevolence, seeks to seduce your sister. Ha! ha! ha!
[Exit Venom.
ACT II.                        JERRY. Seduce! Sister Dorcas! It beant possiSCENE I.  Old Cowslip's Cottage.  ble.  But lawyer Venom looked as if he meant it
SCENE C i.  Jerry Cowslip.Dorcase.       loike. I dunna know what to think. I'm like our
Old Cowslip. Jerry Coweslip.  Dorcas.      donkey Jack between two bundles of hay.
DORCAS (weeping). We be all undone.
JERRY. I zay dom Lawyer Venom. Dang'd an                      Enter Sir Frederick.
I doant break every boan in his ugly body loike!  SIR FREDERICK. Friendly wishes to seduce your
OLD COWSLIP. My son. My son. Learn pa- sister. I am your friend. Take this pistol-(gives
tience from your aged sire.                      pistol) —he is in the next field.  Adieu. Beware.
Enter Lawyer Venom and Bailiffs.                                     [Exit Sir Frederick.
JERRY. I'm all over woonder loike-seduce sister
VENOM. Turn'em out. Turn'em out. I hate  Dorcas-Noa, noa. There's summut here will preall the world. Ha! ha! ha!  vent it.  [Strikes his waistcoat and exit.
JERRY (kept back by Dorcas and Old Cowslip).
Leat me get at un, I say.                        SCENE III. A Field.-Enter Friendly and Dorcas.
Enter Friendly.                    FRIENDLY.  Nay, nay —open your heart to me
FRIENDLY. A distressed family! Ha! May the  as to a friend. You love Sir Frederick.
tree of benevolence be ever watered by the tears    DoRcas (sobbing).  Alas! yes!
of gratitude.  (To the Bailiffs).  Sharks, take your
prey.             [Flings down purse, and Exit.
OLD COWSLIP.  May an old man's blessing-    JERRY (aside).  In tears! blood and'ounds!
Scene closes.      [Weeps.    FRIENDLY. Come-come-let me dry those eyes.
SCENE II. Lord Belmont's House.
Enter Lord Belmont and Sir Frederick.
LORD BELMONT. Sir Frederick, she shall marry
you. I pledge the word of a British nobleman.
Enter Venomt.
VENOM. I'll manage it. I shall make Miss Belmont believe that Friendly is in love with Dbrcas,
and that that was the reason for his late romantic
generosity. Ha! ha! ha! I hate all the world.
SiR FREDERICK.  Excellent.  Come along and    JERRY (rushing forward and presenting pistol.)
concoct the plot. [Exeunt Sir Frederick and Venom. Never! The benefactor of the feyther may yet be
LORD BELMONT (sinking on a chair). Villain! the seducer of the sister. Group.
villain! villain!                                                   DROP FALLS.
ACT IV.
SCENE I. Lord Belmont's House.
Enter Miss Belmont and Sir Frederick.
MISS BELMONT. My brain is bursting.  It cannot
be!
_   SIR FREDERICK. It is.    [Exit Sir Frederick.
Miss BELMONT. Why did I love him-why do I
love him?  But no, no-I must tear him from my
DROP FALLS.                    heart for ever.




632                             THE SCHOOL FOR SCAMPS.
Enter Friendly.                   LORD BELMONT. My child, I cannot. I have
pledged my word. To-morrow you will be Lady
FRIENDLY. My dearest Matilda-                  alison.
Malison.
MIss BELMONT. Villain-who would beguile one
woman of her heart while he robbed another of
her honor.                [Exmt p iss Belmont.  [Miss Belmont screams and faints. Lord Belmont
rings the bell violently. Enter Servants and Lady.
Enter Jerry.                   JBelmont, and form a group.
JERRY.. And you call yourself a foine gentleman                DROP FALLS.
loike? What thof ye have gotten a good coat on
your back-ye cannot stroike your heart and say
it's all right here. [Strikes his waistcoat and Exits.
FRIENDLY. What means this?
SCENE I. A Room in Lord Belmont's House.
Enter Young Gopus.                        Enter Miss Belmont and Dorcas.
YOUNG GoPus (aside). Refused! and by a wo-   Miss BELMONT. You say so.
man I thought I was certain of! (Sees Friendly).   DORCAS. Lady, yes, a thousand times yes!
Ha! there stands my successful rival. (Aloud).   Miss BELMONT. Oh, Friendly, how haxe I wrongSir, if you are not a coward follow me.         ed thee! Seek him, Dorcas-bring him  hither.
[Exit Young Gopus.  (Exit Dorcas). Alas! when suspicion rankles in
FRIENDLY. I'm goaded to madness-have after the heart, love, instead of a healing balm, becomes
you.                           [Exit following.  a subtle poison.                       [Exit.
Enter Old Gopus and Mrs. Gopus.                 Enter Sir Frederick and Venom.
OLD GoPus. My son-my boy!                      SIR FREDERICK. An hour after Miss Belmont beMRS. Gopus. My boy-my son!                    comes Lady Malison, the money shall be yours!
VENOM. Agreed! Ha! ha! ha!
Enter Lord Belmont and Lady Belmont.
LORD BELMONT. IS all prepared?
[The reports of two pistols are heard.
Mr. and Mrs. Gopus fall into each other's arms,
and the Scene closes.
SCENE II. Lord Belmont's Library.
Enter Lord Belmont and Venom.
LADY BELMONT. Where is the bride?
VENOM. My Lord, it must be. Sir Frederick             ELMONTre.
must marry Miss Belmont. I have my reasons for    Miss BELMONT (appearing  at right). Here.
it. If you don't press the marriage, I denounce you    FRIENDLY (appearing  at left). Here!
to-day, and will see you dragged to gaol to-morrow.   ALL. Ha!
Ha! ha! ha!                     [Exit Venom.    LORD BELMONT.  What means this intrusion
LORD BELMONT. Earth open and swallow me!       SIR FREDERICK. Suffer me to chastise his insoEnter 3fiss Belmont.             lence.
FRIENDLY.  Miserable trickster! I know  all.
MIss BELMONT. Papa, papa, release me from the  Your compact with Venom amongst the rest.
persecution of Sir Frederick,                     SIR FREDERICK. Ha! betrayed!




THE LAME PIG.                                      633
VENOM. This is trifling. Lord Belmont, I call   VENOM. And receive mine. May the Devil take
upon you to cause this marriage to proceed-else-  you-I'm off.
LORD BELMONT. I care not. I am weary of life!       [Is going, when he is stopped by Old Gopes.
My daughter shall not marry Sir Frederick.'   OLD GOPus. Mr. Venom, your banker has failed.
VENOM. Then your blood be on your own head.                Enter Youn
I accuse you of having murdered your sister's son.            Enter Young 
ALL. Ha!                                        YOUNG Gopus. Mr. Venom, your house and all
VENOM. If he be not dead produce him. He your property is burnt.
will be known by a mole on his left elbow. I have             Enter Mrs. Gopus.
myself had an affidavit taken of its existence.   MRS. Gous.  Al-Mr. Venom - except your
LORD BELMONT. Alas~!                          wife!                     [ Venom staggers out.
SIR FREDERICK. I feel I have turned virtuous all
of a sudden. Dorcas Cowslip, will you marry me?
J'av                    [They embrace.
JERRY. Dang it —I'm a going clean mad wi' joy
loike-who'll marry I?
Enter Abigail.
ABIGAIL. Me!                 [They embrace.
FRIENDLY. Ha! (strips of his sleeve) a molesee-see here!
Enter Old Cowslip, Jerry, and Dorcas.
OLD COWSLIP. I know it-I feel it-I remember   LORD BELMONT. Thus, my children and friends,
him well. Many a time have I dandled him on my we see how, on the one hand, virtue is rewarded,
knee: it is-it is the true Lord Belmont!        and how, on the other, vice is punished-how the
VENOM. Confusion!                             watering pot of fertility nourishes the useful tree,
LORD BELMONT. Thanks be to, heaven. Kneel, and the hatchet of destruction clears away the
kneel my children, and receive my blessing.     noxious shrub.
[Friendly and Miss Belmont kneel.                 CURTAIN, FALLS.
THE LAME PIG.
ANON.
MRS. M'CRIE was simplicity itself, and her heart an anchorite. He therefore, out of devotion to
overflowed with the warmest affections of human  what was past, ate and drank as directed, of what
nature. Mr. Josiah Flowerdew, of Manchester, was present. After having in this fashion labored
had occasion to visit Edinburgh, that free-stone vil- with a vigor and industry which would have done
lage which Scotsmen call a metropolis, situated a credit to an Irish laborer deepening the Thames, or
mile or two from Leith, a sea-port town on the  a student of Stinkomalee ettling at comprehending
river Forth. He had a letter of introduction to  the last number of the Edinburgh Review, he was
the Rev. Dr. and Mrs. M'Crie, and was received by  constrained, from absolute want of local capacity,
them with all the frank and courteous kindness of to give over-" to cease labor, to dig and to delve,"
their disposition.                              in a horrid brute, of the bird species, which must
One Sunday, after having attended divine service have been cousin-german to the penguins of the
in the Doctor's church, he returned with his hospi- Falkland Island.
table friends to their residence. A nice, hot, tasty,   "The'tither leg, Mr. Josiah Powderjew?" said
but frugal dinner, was quickly placed upon the the Doctor. "The'tither leg, Doctor!  May I
table.                                         perish if one joint of the whole carcase has moved
" Good folk hunger after the word," observed the flutter of a gnat's wing," answered Josiah. " Ye
the old lady, putting a haddock of fourteen inches are ower genty with the beast, Mr. Flowerdew," oblong, with an ocean of oysters and butter, on served the old lady. "Doctor, mark ye that, and
Josiah's plate; and tak' a willy waught of that Ma- abuse nae man's gude name. Rive it, sir-Rive it."
laga-it's gusty and priesome; our guidman he was " It is teugh-it is, of a verity," said the Doctor, as
dry in the pulpit, and ye hae as guide right to be his eye-tooth snapped in a struggle with a tendon
dry out of it-hem!  Excuse me, Doctor-Lord, which would have held his Majesty's yacht in a
sir, ye are filing your hands."                hurricane.  "And toothsome forbye," observed
Mr. Josiah was a devoted admirer of the fair sex, Mrs. M'Crie; "but it's wrang to sport wi' a human
and could not, even when an aged and wrinkled  creature's distresses. Na, na, Mr. Josiah, ye needface met his gaze, fail to remember, that once the na look sae wae like. Possession, nae doubt, is
same cheek was dyed with the hue of the rose, and  nine points of the law; but the rightful owner of
the eyes cast a lustre which would have maddened  that yellow stump is lang syne gathered to his for



634                                    THE LAME PIG.
bears. Of a troth, it would be an awfu' moment lady, " I maun be the expounder of the text mysel.
gin he cam to vindicate his ain."               So ye see, Mr. Flowerdew"Mr. Flowerdew shuddered, and for reasons that   But before the secret is disclosed, we must incan very well be understood, agreed most heartily  form our readers that there is a certain jug or pipwith his hostess.  " But as I'm in the land of the  kin of earthenware, used in various culinary and deliving!" continued Mrs. M'Crie, "our taupy lass has tergent purposes in Scotland, called a " pig," and
a'thegether neglected the syllabub. There it stands, which, from the tenacious kind of earth (laam or
in the pride of its beauty, in the aumry. Surely  loam) of which it is composed, goes by the distinctive
I've been carried mysell. Doctor, whenever you  name of a "lame pig;" a utensil of which, fifty
gae by the hour and five minutes, I'm  clean done  years ago, to have been ignorant, would have been
for ony mair use that day-I can mind naething."  a confession of stultification as great as if you
"Neither can I, Mrs. M'Crie," observed Mr. Josiah, thought that the Red Sea was rubicund.
innocently.  "It's a blessing for you, Mr. Josiah,"    " So, sir," continued Mrs. M'Crie, "when I want
answered the old lady; "if I had minded a' I've  to make a syllabub-it's grand for a cold, or a kitheard, I would by this time have been demented."  tling in the throat""Right, my dear," replied the Doctor, " the female    " Madam!"is the weaker vessel-a cracked pitcher, as a man    " Yes, it's nae doubt of healing virtues," observed
may say, and in no way fit to be the repository of the Doctor, —" medicinal in all matters, thoracical,
the wonders of airt and science."  "And yet," re- if I may use the expression; and Mr. Towerflew, it
torted Mrs. M'Crie, somewhat piqued at the obser- has the advantage of being divertive and jocund in
vation, "there are some airts, of the whilk ye are  the swallow. Sir, I hold in utter execration your
as ignorant as a dead dog-saving the compairi- sennas and globars; the latter are, of a certy, an
shon." "And in what, may I be permitted to ask?" abomination before the Lord. I ance had a dose
answered the Doctor, with much solemnity; "in  thereof-gin I live to the age of Methusalem, the
what? Ye see, Mr. Lourhew," he added, " I in nae- day will be to me like yestreen: they took a good
wise eschew the inquiry."  "Na,.then, gudeman,"  forty minutes to chow, my inside was curmurring
exclaimed the old lady exultingly, " I had you now  like doos in a dooket. It was most special unsavon the hip-that is-God save us-excuse the ex- ory, Mr. Sourspew."
pression, Mr. Josiah; we are plain folk." " Madam,"    "So," continued the old lady, after an impatient
answered Mr. Flowerdew, " make no apology. "The  pause, "I send to the market, and our Bell brings
recollections of youth are delightful. I have many  me a lame pig."
warm remembrances of the kind. But pray, madam,    " But why a lame pig?"
don't let us lose the advantage of knowing in what    "Why a lame pig, sir? —what way no?  Sir,
matter of lore you transcend the Doctor. Pray be so  naething but a lame pig will answer the purpose."
condescending." "Nay, kind sir," said the old lady,    "I cry your mercy, good lady."
"it's a joke of my own; but, as it is connected    "So our Bell brings me a lame pig. I aye tell
with that very syllabub that our lass has set before our lass (she has been wi' us these thirteen years
you, I shall ask the Doctor again. Ye that ken the  come Martinmas; she is the 0* of her grandfather,
three wonnerful things in the warld, yea, the four as the Doctor says, when he is facetious,) to pick
wonnerful things, and  strange, how  mak  ye me out a clean ane."
the syllabub?"  "I tak the lass."-" Whisht, Doctor; gin ye begin that gate," interrupted the old             * Osignifies grandchild.




THE LAME PIG.                                      635
"Very right," said Mr. Josiah.  "But I'm afraid   "And may I entreat to know with what you
you would have but little choice in that respect."   stir it?"
" Ye are wrang, Mr. Cowersew," said the Doctor,   " Wi' a spoon, to be sure; ye wadna hae me to
"they are aye weel washed outside. and in."     do it wi' my fingers?"
"Oh, Doctor, no joking; this is a serious mat-   "God forbid, madam! I would use, if heaven
ter."                                           ever employed me in the manner you mention, a
" Na; there's no joking," observed the old lady. spoon with a most respectably long handle."
"They are weel scraped wi' a heather ringe."      "It's better of length, certainly, sir. Naething
"A what, madam!"                             can escape you, then!  Weel, the next thing we
"A nievefu' o' heather; wi' the whilk you get do is this, to gently put the pig afore the fire to
even to the most extreme corner of the concern."  simmer."
"No doubt, madam, if you are permitted "-       "To simmer!"
"Permitted, Mr. Josiah I and gin I buy a pig,   "Yes, sir, and there stand or it reeks again. But
may I no do what I chuse wi' it? or wi' ony ither you must not let it get o'er het: it would burn the
face of clay for which I gave ready cuinzie?  Ye milk."
have, sir, great character in England for cleanli-   "And the pig too, madam."
ness, and I am sure that Mrs. Flowerdew never has    " Oh! that's naething. We dinna fash ourselves
a pig in her aught for she washes it inside and out, wi' the pig. What — vere they made for?"
as clean as the driven snaw."                     "Why, truly, ma- am, I thought, until this day,
"Nay in that," said Mr. Flowerdew, "I can as- that I knew someth ng of their history; but I find
sure you, you are mistaken. Before the pigs reach  I have been wofully ignorant."
us"-.                        "We canna reach perfection at ance, as our
"Weel, weel; ither folk do it, and that is the  gudeman says (wha, by-the-bye, is and has been
same thing. So, when Bell comes hame, I says, this half hour, as sound as a top). And so, after
hand me down the can with the virgin honey, the pig has simmered and simmered, ye in wi' the
and I drap twa dessert spoonfuls into the pig's spoon again."
mouth"-                                           "Again, madam!"
" Into its mouth, madam?"                     "Ay, sir; ye wadna hae it all in a mess at the
"Ay, to be sure, sir; where would you have it bottom?"
put?-a pig's mouth was nae gien to it for naething    " Far from it, madam; as far as possible."
-or jelly wjll do as weel. Na, I've tried your large    " So ye maun gie anither stir or twa, until it
bergamot preserved pear; but whiles the pig's neck  sings."
is no that wide to admit of a pear of size, and it's   "Sings, madam?  And does the pig make no
fashious squeezing it in."                     other noise during all this operation?"
"No doubt, madam, and dangerous."              "Scarce any other, gin it's a good pig; but all de" Yes, gin the neck break; but when ye mell pends on that. I've seen a lame pig, that afore the
and meddle wi' pigs, ye maun mind ye deal wi' slip- heat had touched its sides a matter of five minutes,
pery gear."                                     would have gane off in a crack."
"Very true, madam."                            " I don't wonder at that in the least, madam."
" Weel, then, our lass carries the pig to the cow,   "You would wonder, if your English pigs had
and there she gently milks a pint and a half of  half the value of the Scotch."
warm milk in upon the henny or jelly, or pear, as it   " Possibly, madam."
may be."                                          "Of a verity," continued Mrs. M'Crie, "there
"Into the pig, madam!"                      was a pig played me ance a maist mischancy trick.
"Ay, into the mouth o't. Surely that's nae kittle  Ye see, I expected a pairty of our presbytery to
matter?"                                       denner, and I had sent our Bell out for the maist
" Now, madam, as I am an ordinary sinner, that capacious pig she could grip; and I hadi poured in
is an operation that would puzzle all Lancashire. the quantum suff, as the mediciners say, of het milk
Into its mouth!"                               on the gooseberries (I was making a. posset), and a'
"Weel, I'm astonished at you, sir: is there ony  went weel; but when I thought it was done to a
mystery or sorcery in Bell hauding a pig wi' the  hair, out lap a het aizle; our Bell (the hizzy!)
tae hands, and milking a cow with the tither?"  sprang to the tae side; the pig gaed the tither-a
"I really, madam, in my innocence of heart, was ruined."
thought that the pig might have run —"            " And the poor pig-what became of it?"
"Run o'er?  Nae doubt? so wud it gin ye filled    "Puir, indeed!  It wasna worth the minding:
it o'er fu'. So hame comes the pig"-           its head was dung in, and it gat a sma' fracture on
" Of itself, madam!"                        the side; but as it was bonny in its color, and genty
"Sir! Lord, sir, you speak as if the pig could in its mak, Bell syned it out in clear water, then
walk!"                                        rubbed it up wi' a duster, and clapped it on the shelf
" I beg you a thousand pardons, madam; I truly  in the kitchen, where it lies to this blessed day, in
forgot the milk and jelly. It would be extraordi- peace and quiet, as I may say. In my opinion, sir,
nary if it could."                              the pig hadna been right made."
"Very, sir. So the lass brings me my lame pig."    "Not right made, madam?"
"Ah, that's another reason. Well, may I be    "Not right made, sir. You look surprised. Think
drawn to a thread if I could divine why you pre- you ony body can make a pig?"
ferred a lame pig!"                              " Far from it, madam."
"Ye needna gang to Rome to learn that; a lame    " It would sarely fash you and me, I'm jalousing,
pig is aye fendiest. So I begin to steer and steer Mr. Josiah Flowerdew."
the milk and jelly."                              "Admitted, madam; admitted.-But, my dear
"Steer and steer, madam!"                   Mrs. M'Crie, I have just one other thing to ask.
" Ay-mix a' weel up thegether."              You have told me —(here Josiah gave a shudder)



636X                      THE MIGRATIONS OF A SOLAN  GOOSE.
how the milk and honey gets in. Now, madam,.I...i.
may I be allowed to ask, how you get the syl- |   
"How we get it out?  Lord, sir, you surprise...lit
me! Just the way we put it in. How would you                                          lllll
get it out? Sure, there's nae magic in that!" "                                   i
"Nay, madam, I don't pretend to venture upon
any speculations on the point. There are many
reasons, no doubt, why the pig would easier let it
out than in; and I am quite willing to prefer the                -
mouth. But, after it is out, pray, madam, who eats`:i
the syllabub?-or, pray, madam, do you also eat
the pig?"
" Ha, ha! Weel, that's guide. Lord, sir, the pig's.':
as hard as a stane!"
"Ged, madam, you are right; I had forgot the |                                        I
frying. But as to the milk and jelly, or the bergamot pear, after the pig's, for whose intestines are
they devoted?"                                                  )l
"Sir?"!:
"Pray, madam, who devours that?" pointing
with his finger to the horrid potion before him.
"You, sir, if you will do me that honor."
"Me, madam! Me! Good night, madam. Pray
don't waken the doctor. I am particularly engaged.                                i
Nay, madam, not a morsel-(I would as soon bolt
a barbecued toad, or mouth a curried hedge-hog)I do entreat you to keep it for the next presbytery.
If they resemble our clergy in the south, they are ing.  "Where are you? Here's my wife with the
more familiar with pigs than I am.-Well, well?" syllabub. Where are you, Mr. Moorskew?"
Mr. Flowerdew was heard to exclaim, as he, in a    " I'm off!" answered Mr. Josiah; and it is said
manner, tumbled down, in his haste, from top to  by his friends, that during a long life of some
the bottom of the stair, " I have often heard that seventy years, no persuasion could induce him ever
the Scotch were dirty; but, by all the stripes in a again to visit Edinburgh.  "The lame pig," he
yard of gingham, they were born barbarians!"   would mutter to himself, " the jelly and hot milk!
" Mr. Dourstew!" exclaimed the Doctor, awaken- Heaven save me from such a calamity!"
THE  MIGRATIONS  OF A  SOLAN  GOOSE.
BY MISS CORBET.
ELL, Bryce," said Mrs. Maxwell one day to her housekeeper, "what has the gamekeeper sent this week
from Maxwell Hall?"-" Why, madam, there are
three pair of partridges, a brace of grouse, a woodIl1)  l   1;I  |   t   cock, three hares, a. couple of pheasants, and a
solan goose."-" A solan goose!" ejaculated the
lady; "what could induce him to think I would
poison my house with a solan goose?"-" He knows
i, ili?~':~i  it is a dish that my master is very fond of," replied
retorted the lady; "'let it be thrown. out directly
before Mr. Maxwell sees it."
The housekeeper retired, and Mrs. Maxwell resumed her cogitations, the'subject of which was
/  how to obtain an introduction to the French noblesse who had recently taken up their abode in
Edinburgh. "Good heavens!" said she, as she hastily rung the bell, "how could I be so stupid?there is nothing in the world that old Lady Crosby
is so fond of as a solan goose, and I understand she
f  knows all the French people, and that they are con/,;it,,/"t9~   stantly with her.-Bryce," she continued, as the
I~ —— ~~~~~'              housekeeper obeyed her summons, "is the goose a'__                    /~;t~~f~pp"~E~~;~MI~~ e~~/  ~fine bird?"- "Very fine indeed, madam; the beak
is broken, and one of the-legs is a little ruffled, but
I never saw a finer bird." "Well, then, don't throw
4                         it away, as I mean to send it to my friend, lady
Crosby, as soon as I have.written a note."  Mrs.
~~~~~~~~~Coba on~8




THE MIGRATIONS OF A SOLAN GOOSE.                               637
Bryce once more retreated, and Mrs. Maxwell, hav- had retired to fulfil this mission, "if Lady Crosby
ing selected a beautiful sheet of note paper, quickly  thinks to stop our mouths with a solan goose, she
penned the following effusion:                  will find herself very much mistaken. I suppose
"My dear Lady Crosby, permit me to request she means this as a peace-offering for not having
your acceptance of a solan goose, which has just asked us to her last party. I suppose she was
been sent me from Maxwell Hall. Knowing your afraid, Clara, my dear, you would cut out her
fondness for this bird, I am delighted at having it clumsy daughters with Sir Charles."  " If I don't, it
in my power to gratify you. I hope that you con- shall not be my fault," replied her amiable daughter.
tinue to enjoy- good health.  This is to be a very  "I flirted with him in such famous style at the last
gay winter. By the bye, do you, know any one concert, that I thought Eliza would have fainted on
who is acquainted with the French noblesse?  I the spot. But what are you going to do with the
am dying to meet with them. Ever, my dear Lady  odious bird?"  "Oh, I shall desire John to carry
Crosby, yours truly,          M. MAXWELL."   it to poor Mrs. Johnstone."  "I wonder, mamma,
that you would take the trouble of sending all the
Lady Crosby being out when this billet reached  way to the Canongate for any such purpose; what
her house, it was opened by one of her daughters. good can it do you to oblige people who are so
"Bless me, Maria!" she exclaimed to her sister, wretchedly poor?"  "Why, my dear," replied the
"how fortunate it was that- I opened this note; lady, "to tell you the truth, your father, in early
Mrs. Maxwell has sent mamma a solan goose!" life, received such valuable assistance from  Mr.
"Dreadful!" exclaimed Eliza; " I am sure if mamma Johnstone, who was at that time a very rich man,
hears of it she willihave it roasted immediately, and  as laid the foundation of his present fortune. Severe
Captain Jessamy, of the Lancers, is to call to-day, losses reduced Mr. Johnstone to poverty; he died,
and you.know, a roasted solan goose is enough to  and your father has always been intending, at leastcontaminate a whole parish,-I shall certainly go  promising to do something for the family, but has
distracted!"  " Don't discompose yourself," replied  never found an opportunity.  Last year, Mrs.
Maria; "'I shall take good care to send it out of Johnstone most unfortunately heard that he had it
the house before mamma comes home; meanwhile, in his power to get a young man out to India, and
I must write a civil answer to Mrs. Maxwell's note. she applied to Mr. Napier on behalf of her son,
I dare say she will not think of alluding to it; but, which, I must say, was a very ill-judged step, as
if she should, mamma, luckily, is pretty deaf, and  showing that she thought he required to be remay never be a bit the wiser."  "I think," said  minded of his promises, which, to a man of any
Eliza, "' we had better send the goose to the Napiers, feeling, must always be a grating circumstance;
as they were rather affronted at not being asked to  but I -have often observed, that poor people have
our last musical party; I dare say they will make  very little delicacy- in such points; however, as
no use of it, but it looks attentive."  " An excellent your papa fancies sometimes that these people have
thought," rejoined Maria.  No sooner said than  a sort of claim on him, I am sure he will be glad to
done; in five minutes, the travelled bird had once  pay them any attention that costs him nothing."
more changed its quarters.                        Behold, then, our hero exiled from the fashion-:
"A solan goose!" ejaculated Mrs. Napier, as her able regions of the West, and laid on the broad of
footman gave her the intelligence.of Lady Crosby's. his iback on a table, in a: small but clean room, in a
present.  "Pray, return my compliments to her humble tenement in the Canongate, where three
ladyship, and I feel much obliged by her polite at- hungry children eyed with delight his fat legs, his
tention. Truly," continued she, when the domestic swelling breast and magnificent pinions.  "Oh,
I ~        h      I     I,II~ iioil  A




638                          A LEGAL PEDANT NONPLUSSED.
mamma, mamma," cried the children, skipping  most particularly obliged byher attention, and be
round the table, and clapping their hands, " what sure to say that Sir James has hopes of procuring a
a beautiful goose! how nice it will be when it is situation for you; and if he succeeds, I will come
roasted!  You must have a great large slice, over myself to tell her the good news."  Henry
mamma, for you had very little dinner yesterday. bounded away as gay as a lark, while Lady Bethune,
Why have we never any nice dinners now, mamma?" after having given orders to her butler to send
"Hush, little chatter-box," said her brother Henry, some- bolls of potatoes, meal, and a side of fine
a fine stripling of sixteen, seeing tears gather in  mutton, to Mrs. Johnstone, next issued directions
his mother's eyes. "My dear boy," said Mrs. John- for the disposal of the present she had just restone, "it goes to my heart to think of depriving  ceived.
these poor children of their expected treat, but I    " La, madam!" exclaimed Mrs. Bryce, as she once
think we ought to send this bird to our benefac- more made her appearance before her mistress, " if
tress, Lady Bethune. But for her, what would  here be not our identical solan goose come back to
have become of us?  While the Napiers, who owe us, with Lady Bethune's compliments!  I know
all they have to your worthy and unfortunate fa- him by his broken beak and ruffled leg; and as
ther, have given us nothing but empty promises, sure as eggs are eggs, that's my master's knock at
she has been a consoling and ministring angel, and  the door!"  "Run, Bryce! fly!" cried Mrs. MaxI should wish to take this opportunity of showing  well in despair; "put it out of sight! give it to the
my gratitude; trifling as the offering is, I am sure  house-dog!"
it will be received with kindness."  "I am sure of    Away ran Mrs. Bryce with her prize to Towler;
it," replied Henry; "and I will run and buy a few  and he, not recollecting that he had any favor to
nuts and apples to console the little ones for losing  obtain from any one, or that he had any dear
their expected feast."                          friends to oblige, received the present very grateThe children gazed with lengthened faces as the  fully, and, as he lay in his kennel,
goose was carried from their sight, and conveyed       Lazily mumbled the bones of Xe dead;
by Henry to the house of Lady Bethune, who, appreciating the motives which had dictated the gift, thus ingloriously terminating the migrations of a
received it with benevolent kindness. " Tell your solan goose.
mother, my dear," said she to Henry, "that I feel
A  LEGAL  PEDANT  NONPLUSSED,
ANON.
ISAAC M'GREGOR Was a simple-minded rustic, of their construction, than from their adaptation to
a most obliging disposition, with a vein of sar- the idea meant to be conveyed.
castic humor, which he could work with very deci-   Peter thought to dash Isaac, and so confuse him
ded effect when occasion required. He rented a at first, that his evidence would want coherence,
small patch of ground that fringed the muir of and therefore be rejected. The officer called out,
Kippen, part of the estate of Stirling of Carden. "Is Isaac M'Gregor in court?"  "Yes, sir!" shoutIsaac had never seen much of the great world. ed Isaac, in a voice like the report of school-boy artilWith a couple of horses, he contrived to keep the  lery.  " Come forward, then."
thatch over his shoulders, and the wheels of life in    Peter threw himself back into his seat and looked
working condition, by carrying whiskey for the far- terror, at the same time displaying a frill of cambric
famed Kepp distillery, the proprietor of which, the  of extraordinary depth and longitude.  " Your
late Mr. Cassils, was distantly related to him. Isaac name is Isaac M'Gregor —is it?"  "The minister
piqued himself on his knowledge of horses, and was ance ca'd me that, and I haena had ony reason to
generally his own farrier, whether as respected  change't since, but you needna speir my name, for
medical treatment, or arming the hoofs of that ye hae kent me ony time this twenty years."  "It
noble animal against the tear and wear of the road. is only for the information of the court."  " Giff
Isaac had been witness to the sale of a horse at that be a', you're abler to tell them than I amthe fair of Shandon, which, though sold as sound, you're glibber in the tongue."  "Very well; genturned out afterwards to have some defect in the  tlemen of the court, the deponent's name is Isaac
hoof; and an action was raised before the sheriff, M'Gregor, a most enlightened, ratiocinating, and
and proof allowed, to show that the disease was of  philosophic carter, from the bloody mires of Locklong standing, and the fault must have been known  Leggin. Notice that, gentlemen! Do you know
to the vender at the time of sale. Isaac was sum- any thing about the vending, transtulation, or transmoned to Dumblane, to give evidence before the  fer of the quadruped in question?" " I didna bring
sheriff in favor of the defender.              my dictionary in my pouch this day, or else I micht
The agent employed by the purchaser was as pom- hae been able to spell your meaning: maybe, my
pous a "quill driver" as ever scribbled on parch- lord judge, ye'll be able to explain what he means,
ment or small pott. Peter Dudgeon (for that was for to me there's just as muckle sense in the blether
his name) boasted that he had a more complete  o' the heather blubber!"  " He means to ask, witknowledge of the English language than any prac- ness, do you know any thing about the sale of the
titioner in sheriff or burgh court, from the Gram- horse, the subject on which you are summoned
pians to Cheviot, from his having the whole of here?"  "Thank you, my lord. Yes, I ken that
Johnson's dictionary at his finger-ends. The words the horse was selt to Jock Paterson there; and he
selected by Peter for common use, were remarkable  appeared to me to be weel worth a' the siller he
more for the quantity of the alphabet employed in  gied for him."




THE LAST DEBT.                                    639
"Well, my sexagenarian friend Isaac," resumed    "Hech, sirs! nae wonder, Peter, that you're
Peter, "how do you know, or how can you satisfy  blawing like a bursting haggis, after -a' that blabber
your mind as to the validity of the testimony upon o' words; you'll hae pitten a' the lair ye e'er got
which your powers of perception have chosen to  at the cottage in that speech, I'se warrant; — ye
arbitrate so temerariously?" "Och, man! it would mind sin' you and I were at Claymire's school thetak you a lang time to ken as muckle about horses gether, what a poor fusionless whey-faced shawp
as I do; ye would need to gang out and eat grass o' a creature you war', baith in soul and body, and
wi' them for seven years, like auld Nebuchadnezzar, that you couldna spell your ain name!"" Do you
afore ye learnt your lesson."                 know, then, any thing about the diseases that horses
Peter was fairly put out, and got into a violent are predisposed to?"  " Lang-winded is no ane o'
rage. "My lord, I have asked a plain question, them, at ony rate."
and I must demand a categorical answer, or I shall   " From your knowledge of the veterinary art, and
move that the witness be committed for contempt the profound attention that you have bestowed on
of court."  "I would advise you, Mr. Dudgeon," the subject, would you presume to say, that a
said the judge, "to put your questions in a more horse's hoof might be the seat of any latent, unintelligible shape, and I have no doubt but the wit- manifested ailment-disease-malady-gangrene or
ness will give you a respectful answer."  " That tumor, protected though it be by the crust or wall
sairs you right, Peter," said the imperturbable  of the foot, without being visible to the ocular
Isaac, "and gin I had you in the muir o' Kippen, I faculty? Now?"
would let ye fin' the weight o' that shakle-bane    "Did ye hear the thunder down there, lads? Ye
alang the side o' your head-and mak thae horn- may be verra thankfu', Mr. Dudgeon, that ye haena
shottle teeth in your mouth dance the Dusty Miller. mony teeth left in the front o' your mouth, or thae
Ony mair to spin, ye manifest piece o' impudence?" big words could never hae gotten out."  "Really,
" What do you know about the value of a horse?" Mr. Dudgeon," said the Judge, " you are taking up
resumed Peter. "I wonder what I should ken too much time of the court, by useless preliminaries.
about, if I didna ken about horse-I may say born If you have any of your young men in court, would
and brought up amang them-mair than ye can you allow one of them to take up the examination?"
say, Mr. Peter, o' the profession ye hae taen by the  " Very well, my lord."
hand."  " Have you made it your business to be-   "William, take up this brief, or case, and farther
come acquainted with the veterinary art, whether interrogate that incorrigible carter."  "6 Witness!
as applied to the general anatomy of the horse, or the next question in my brief or case,-and recolthe moral and physical habits of this useful animal; lect you are still upon oath, is-Do you suppose it
and, to attain the requisite degree of knowledge, have possible for a disease or ailment to exist in the peryou studied carefully the article on that subject in forating flesh or tendon, without immediately manithe Encyclopaedia Britannica, and most particularly, festing itself in occasioning lameness by its action
as in the minutiae of detail on the subject, have you in the chamber of the hoof?"  " Weel, my lordbought from your bookseller, a copy of the work, judge, after a', are thae twa no a bonny pair? as
entitled The Horse, published under the sanction the craw said o' his claws." The court became perand patronage of the society denominating them- fectly convulsed, so that the sheriff was himself
selves, The Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge, obliged to finish the examination
and made it your study by night and by day?"
A COOK'S LEGACY.
BY J. D. CARRICK.
BLEAK now the winter blaws, thick flee the driftin' All the way hame though never so dreary,
Asnaws,                                     It charms my heart to think of thee;
A' the warld looks cauld and blac;          How by the kitchen fire sac cheery,
Birds wha used to sing, now wi' shiverin' wing,  My love is baking a pie for me.
Dozen'd sit on the frosted spray;
But though the wintry winds blaw keenly,
What are the wintry winds to me,            Some yield their hearts to the charms of beauty,
When by the kitchen fire sae cleanly,           Doating with pleasure upon her smile,
hMy love is baking a pie for me!            But when they've caught their long-wish'd booty,'Twill neither make pat nor pan to boil;
Oh when I think on her cheeks sac greasy,     And wi' their beauty they aft catch a TartarOh when I think on her shoulders fat,         Often it happens, as all may see:
Never a lass have I seen like Leezy,          Then for beauty, I'll scorn to barter
She makes my poor heart to go pitty-pat!     The maid that is baking a pie for me.
THE LAST DEBT.-An old man about to die, had  " What a pleasant thing to see a man bein' sensible
his friends around him, when he was desired by to the last! ony mair?" "An' a crown for a cow's
his wife to tell what debts were owing to him. hide."  "Ay," quoth the wife, "sensible yet"There's-  owes me five shillings for mutton." weel, James, what was't ye was gaun to say?"
" Oh," interjected the delighted helpmate, " to see "Nae mair," quoth James, "but I am ow'n Jock
a man at this time o' day, and juat gaun to close his Tamson twa pounds in balance o' a cow." " Hoot,
last account, hae the use o' his faculties-just say toot," quoth the wife, "he's a ravin' now-he's just
away, James."  "Ay, an'- ten shillings for beef." demented-dinna mind ony mair that he says."




640                             BON GAULTIER BALLADS.
THE STUDENT OF JENA.
BY W.. AYTOUN (BON GAULTIER).
ONCE-'t was when I lived at Jena-,,*:,
At a Wirthshaus' door I sat;
And in pensive contemplation,    ill
Ate the sausage thick and fat;                                                   %
Ate the kraut, that never sourer!
Tasted to my lips than here;
Smoked my pipe of strong canaster,
Sipped my fifteenth jug of beer;
As the Baron Fouque tells us,                                     / 
Rose from out her shelly grot,                                                 i
Casting glamour o'er the waters,                      J
Witching that enchanted spot.    -
From the shadow which the
coppice                                     Vanished was my own Undine,
Flings across the rippling stream,                All her linen, too, was gone
Did I hear a sound of music-                  And I walked about lamenting,
Was it thought, or was it dream?               On the river bank alone.
There, beside a pile of linen,
Stretched along the daisied sward,          Idiot that I was, for never
Stood a young and blooming maiden-              Had I asked the maiden's name.'Twas her thrush-like song I heard.         Was it Lieschen-was it Gretchen?
Evermore within the eddy                        Had she tin, or whence she came?
Did she plunge the white chemise;                          
And her robes were loosely gathered           So I took my trusty meerschaum
Rather far above her knees;                   And I took my lute likewise;
Wandered forth in minstrel fashion
Then my breath at once forsook me,               Underneath the lowering skies;
For too surely did I deem                   Sang before each comely Wirthshaus,
That I saw the fair Undine                      Sang beside each purling stream,
Standing in the glancing stream-            That same ditty which I chanted
And I felt the charm of knighthood;             When Undine was my theme,
And from that remembered days               Singing, as I sang at Jena,
Every evening to the Wirthshaus                 When the shifts were hung to dry,
Took I my enchanted way.                     " Fair Undine  young Undine!
Shortly to relate my story,                     Dost thou love as well as I? "
Many a week of summer long,
Came I there, when beer-o'ertaken,            But, alas! in field or village,
With my lute and with my song;                 Or beside the pebbly shore,
Sung in mellow-toned soprano                  Did I see those glancing ankles,
All my love and all my woe,                   And the white robe, never more;
Till the river-maiden answered,               And no answer came to greet me,
Lilting in the stream below:-                  No sweet voice to mine replied;
"Fair Undine! sweet Undine!                 But I heard the waters rippling,
Dost thou love as I love thee? "              And the moaning of the tide.
Love is free as running water,"
Was the answer made to me.
Thus, in interchange seraphic,
Did I woo my phantom fay,,a
Till the nights grew long and chilly,
Short and shorter grew the day;
Till at last-'t was dark and gloomy,
Dull and starless was the sky,
-oAnd my steps were all unsteady,
For a little flushed was I,To thea well accustomed signal
No response the maiden gave;
But I heard the waters washing,
And the moaning of the wave.                        The moaning of the TIED."




MY WIFE S COUSIN.                                    641
MY WIFE'S COUSIN.
BY W. E. AYTOUN.
DECKED with shoes of blackest polish,          And his other hand is playing
And with shirt as white as snow,               Most familiarly with hers;
After matutinal breakfast                      And I think my BruSsels carpet
To my daily desk I go;                         Somewhat damaged by his spurs.
First a fond salute bestowing                  "Fire and furies! what the blazes!"
On my Mary's ruby lips,                        Thus in frenzied wrath I call;
Which, perchance, may be rewarded              When my spouse her arms upraises,
With a pair of playful nips.                   With the most astounding squall.
All day long across the ledger
Still my patient pen I drive,                " Was there ever such a monster,
Thinking what a feast awaits me                  Ever such a wretched wife i
In-my happy home at firve;                   Ah! how long must I endure it,
In my small, one-storied Eden,                   How protract this hateful life?
Where my wife awaits my coming,              All day long, quite unprotected,
And our solitary handmaid                        Does he leave his wife at home,
Mutton chops with care is crumbing.          And she cannot see her cousins
Even when they kindly come!"
When the clock proclaims my freedom,
Then my hat I seize and vanish;              Then the young Life-Guardsman, rising,
Every trouble from my bosom,                     Scarce vouchsafes a single word,
Every anxious care I banish.                 But with look of deadly menace,
Swiftly brushing o'er the pavement,              Claps his hand upon his sword;
At a'furious pace I go,                      And in fear I faintly falterTill I reach my darling dwelling                 "This your cousin, then he's mine!
In the wilds of Pimlico.                     Very glad, indeed, to see youWon't you stop with us, and dine?"
"Mary, wife, where art thou, dearest?"
Thus I cry, while yet afar;
Ah! what scent invades my nostrils?-          Won't a ferret suck a rabbit?-'Tis the smoke of a cigar!                As a thing of course he stops;'Ti the moke of a cigar!  And with most voracious swallow
Walks into my mutton chops.
In the twinkling of a bed-post,
_________ _  K    Is each savory platter clear,
_ 1)j    - / /            8   And he shows uncommon science
In his estimate of beer.
I1    A1$                        Half-and-half goes down before him,
Gurgling from the pewter-pot;
And he moves a counter motion
11o~~ ~   -For a glass of something hot.
1/1/i'~~~~ ~Nor a moderate share of goes;
o /ys \0 CA~n <S1 -' fi Ad But I know not why he's always
Treading upon Mary's toes.
Evermore, when, home returning,
From the counting-house I come,
Do I find the young Life-Guardsman
Smoking pipes and drinking rum.
Evermore he stays to dinner,
Evermore devours my meal;
-=3 —---- _           /,J   Ul  I| 1             For I have a wholesome horror
— I ~ s         Both of powder and of steel.
Yet I know he's Mary's cousin,
For my only son and heir
Much resembles that young Guardsman,
With the self-same curly hair;
Instantly into the parlor                      But I wish he would not always
Like a maniac I haste,                         Spoil my carpet with his spurs;
And I find a young Life-Guardsman,             And I'd rather see his fingers
With his arm round Mary's waist.               In the fire, than touching hers.




642                               THE FRIARS OF DIJON.
THE FRIARS OF DIJON.
BY THOMAS CAMPBELL.
WHEN honest men confess'd their sins,          And if their hearers gaped, I guess,
And paid the church gcnteelly-                 With jaws three inch asunder,
In Burgundy two Capuchins'Twas partly out of weariness,
Lived jovially anadfreely.                     And partly out of wonder.
They march'd about from place to place,        Then striking up duets, the freres
With shrift and dispensation                   Went on to sing in matches,
And mended broken consciences,               From psalms to sentimental airs,
meSoul-tinkers by vocation ces.               From these to glees and catches.
Soul-tinkers by vocation.
At last, they would have danced outright,
One friar was Father Boniface,                    Like a baboon and tame bear,
And he ne'er knew disquiet,                  If Jacquez had not drunk, Good night,
Save when condemn'd to saying grace              And shown them to their chamber.
O'er mortifying diet.
The room was high, the host was nighThe other was lean Dominick,                     Had wife or he suspicion,
Whose slender form, and sallow,  That monks would make a raree-show
Whose slender form, and sallow,
Would scarce have made a candlewick              Of chinks in the partition?For Boniface's tallow.                       Or that two confessors would come,
Their holy ears out-reaching
Albeit, he tippled like a fish,                To conversations as hum-drum
Though not the same potation;                  Almost as their own preaching?
And mortal man ne'er clear'd a dish
With nimbler mastication.                    /           -
Those saints without the shirts arrived,                                       I I' 
One evening late, to pigeon                         I!I
A country pair for alms, that lived                       J
About a league from Dijon.                          -                X
Whose supper-pot was set to boil,
On faggots briskly crackling;
The friars enter'd, with a smile
To Jacquez and to Jacqueline.                              
They bow'd and bless'd the dame, and then
In pious terms besought her,
To give two holy-minded men
A meal of bread and water.
For water and a crust they crave,
Those mouths that even on Lent days
Scarce knew the taste of water, save
When watering for dainties.
Quoth Jacquez, "That were sorry cheer
For men fatigued and dusty;
And if ye supp'd on crusts, I fear,
You'd go to bed but crusty."
So forth he brofight a flask of rich           Shame on you, Friars of orders gray,
Wine, fit to feast Silenus,                    That peeping knelt, and wriggling,
And viands, at t he si g ho     t  of which
And viands, at the sight of which            And when ye should have gone to pray.
They laugh'd like two hyaenas.                 Betook yourselves to giggling!
Alternately, the host and spouse               But every deed will have its meed:
Regaled each pardon-gauger,                    And hark! what information
Who told them tales right marvellous,          Has made the sinners, in a trice,
And lied as for a wager-                       Look black with consternation.'Bout churches like balloons convey'd          The farmer on a hone prepares
With reronautic martyrs;                       His knife, a long and keen one;
And wells made warm, where holy maid           And talks of killing both the freres,
Had only dipp'd her garters.                   The fat one, and the lean one.




THE FRIARS OF DIJON.                                   643
To-morrow by the break of day,
He orders too, saltpetre,
And pickling-tubs; but, reader, stay,
Our host was no man-eater.
The priests knew not that country-folk                \    l 
Give pigs the name of friars;
But startled, witless of the joke,
As if they trod on briers.
Meanwhile, as they perspired with dread,
The hair of either craven
Had stood erect upon his head,
But that their heads were shaven.
What, pickle and smoke us limb by limb!
God curse him and his lardners!
St. Peter will bedevil him,
If he saltpetres pardoners.
Yet, Dominick, to die!-the bare              >
Idea shakes one oddly;Yes, Boniface,'tis time we were
Beginning to be godly.                             -
Would that, for absolution's sake
Of all our sins and cogging,                       God'
We had a whip, to give and take
A last kind mutual flogging.                  Meanwhile the other flew to town,
And with short respiration
O Dominick, thy nether end                      Bray'd like a donkey up and down
Should bleed for expiation,                     Ass-ass-ass-assination!
And thou shouldst have, my dear fat friend,
A glorious flagellation.
Men left their beds, and night-capp'd heads
But having ne'er a switch, poor souls,            Popp'd out from every casement;
They bow'd like weeping willows,              The cats ran frighten'd on the leads;
And told the Saints long rigmaroles               Dijon was all amazement.
Of all their peccadillos.
Doors bang'd, dogs bay'd, and boys hurra'd,
Yet,'midst this penitential plight               Throats gaped aghast in bare rows,
A thought their fancies tickled,              Till soundest sleeping watchmen woke,'Twere better brave the window's height,          And even at last the mayor roseThan be at morning pickled.
Who charging him before police,
And so they girt themselves to leap,              Demands of Dominick surly,
Both under breath imploring                   What earthquake, fire, or breach of peace
A regiment of Saints to keep                      Made all this hurly-burly?
Their host and hostess snoring.
The lean one lighted like a cat,                Ass-quoth the priest-ass-assins, Sir,
Then scampered off like Jehu,                   Are hence a league, or nigher,
Nor stopp'd to help the man of fat,             About to salt, scrape, massacre,
Whose cheek was of a clay hue-                  And barrel up a friar.
mWho, being by nature more design'd             Soon at the magistrate's command,
For resting than for jumping,                A troop from the gens-d'arm's house,
Fell heavy  on his parts behind,              Of twenty men, rode sword in hand,
Fell heavy on his parts behin,.To storm the bloody farm's house.
That broaden'd with the plumping.
There long beneath the window's sconce,         As they were cantering towards the place,
His bruises he sat pawing,                      Comes Jacquez to the swineyard,
Squat as the figure of a bronze                 But started when a great round face
Upon a Chinese drawing.                         Cried, " Rascal, hold thy whinyard."
At length he waddled to a sty;'Twas Boniface, as mad's King Lear,
The pigs, you'd thought for game sake,          Playing antics in the piggery:Came round and nosed him lovingly,              "And what the devil brought you here,
As if they'd known their namesake.              You mountain of a friar, eh?"




644                               CHANGEABLE CHARLIE.
Ah, once how jolly, now how wan,                Who beckon'd to them not to kick up
And blubber'd with the vapors,                  A row; but, waxing mellow,
That frantic Capuchin began                     Squeez'd Jacquez' hand, and with a hiccup
To cut fantastic capers-                        Said, You're a d —d good fellow.
Crying, "help, halloo, the bellows blow,        Explaining lost but little breath:The pot is on to stew me;                       Here ended all the matter;
I am a pretty pig, but, no!                     So God save Queen Elizabeth,
They shall not barbacue me."                    And long live Henry Quatre!
Nor was this raving fit a sham;                 The gens-d'arms at the story broke
In truth, he was hysterical,                   Into horse-fits of laughter,
Until they brought him out a dram,              And, as if they had known the joke,
And:that wrought like a miracle.                Their horses neigh'd thereafter.
Just as the horsemen halted near,               Lean Dominick, methinks, his chaps
Crying, Murderer, stop, ohoy, oh!               Yawn'd weary, worn, and moody;
Jacquez was comforting the frere                So may my readers too, perhaps,
With a good glass of noyeau-                    And thus I wish'em Good day.
CHANGEABLE CHARLIE.
axIt Of Act Po;  lmle.
BY ANDREW PICKEN.
IT was in the early part of my life, when I was   It was one day when on a summer tramp, that,
yet in the apprenticeship of my fortune, that I had  entering a decentish town, and looking about at the
the teaching of a pleasant boy, whose name was shop windows, I began to bethink me of the necesCharlie Cheap. Charlie's father was a weel-speeked  sity that had fallen upon me, by the tear and wear
witless body, who kept a shop in the largest village  of -the journey, of being at the expense of a new
near; and having made money by mere want of hat, so I entered a magazine of miscellaneous cornsense, and selling of the jigs and jags of a country  modities, when who should astonish me in the pertown, was called by the name of John Cheap the  son of the shopkeeper, but my old pupil Charlie
Chapman, after the classical story of that person- Cheap.  " Merciful me! Charlie," said I, "who
age with which we used to be diverted when we would have expected to find you at this trade! I
were children; so the old man seeing indications of thought you had gone to the college to serve your
genius in his son, sent the lad to me to finish his ed- time for a minister of the gospel."
ucation.                                          "Indeed," said Charlie, "that was once the intent,
There was not a better-liked boy in the whole but in truth, my head got rather confused with the
school than Charlie Cheap; for though he never lair and the logic. I had not the least conjugality to
would learn any thing effectually, and was the head  the Greek conjugations, and when I came to the
and ringleader of every trick that was hatched, he Hebrew, that is read every word backwards, faith,
had such a laughing, happy disposition, and took  I could neither read it backwards nor forwards, and
his very punishment so good-humoredly, that it went fairly stuck, and grew a sticked minister. But I
to my heart to think of chastising him; and as for had long begun to see that the minister trade was
the fool's cap and-the broom sceptre, they were no but a poor business, and that a man might wait for
punishment to him, for he never seemed better the mustard till the meat was all eaten, and so Ijust
pleased than when he had them  on; and when  took up a chop like my father before me; and
mounted thus on the top of the black stool, he faith, Mr. Dominie, I'm making a fortune."
seemed so delighted, and pulled such faces at the    " Well,?' said I, "I am really happy to hear it,
rest of the boys, that no mortal flesh could stand  and I hope, besides that, that you like your emto their gravity near him, and my seat of learning  ployment."
was in danger of becoming a' perfect hobbleshow of   "I'm quite delighted with the chop-keeping, Mr.
diversion. How to master this was past my power. Balgownie; a very different life from chapping verbs
But Charlie's versatility ended it by his own will, in a cauld college. Besides, I am a respected man
and before he was half learned in his preliminary in the town; nothing but Mr. Cheap here and Mrs.
humanities, his father and he had taken some scheme  Cheap there, and ladies coming in at all hours of
into their heads, and he was removed from me and the day, and bowing and becking to me, and throwsent to the college.                           ing the money to me across the counter; I would
I know not how it was, but for several years I not wonder if they should make me a baillie yet."
lost sight of Charlie, until I heard that his father   " Well, I am really delighted too," said I, " and
was dead, and that he was now a grown man, and from my knowledge of baillies, I would not wonder
was likely to make a great fortune. This news was in the least —so good bye, Mr. Cheap. I think this
no surprise to me, for I now began to make the ob- hat looks very well on me."
servation, that the greatest fools that I had the    "Makes you ten years younger, sir-good bye!
honor of preparing for the world, most generally  wish you your health to wear it."
became the wealthiest men.                        It might be a twelvemonth after that I was plod



CEANGEABLE CHARLIE.                                     645
ding along a country road some ten miles from the  farm. He stepped in behind the counter, and I got
fore-mentioned town, when looking over the hedge  behind the plough, so here I am, happier than ever;
by my side, I saw a team of horses pulling a plough  besides, harkie! I am making money fast."
towards me; and my cogitations were disturbed by    " Are you really? But how do vou know that?"
the yo-ing and yau-ing of the man who followed it.   " Can I not count my ten fingers? Have I not
Something struck me that I knew the voice, and  figured it on black and white over and over again?
when the last of the men came up, I discovered un- There's great profits with management such as mine,
der the plush waistcoat and farmer's bonnet, my old  that I can assure you, sir."
friend Charlie Cheap.                              "But how could you possibly learn farming?
"Soul and conscience! " cried he, thrusting his That, I believe, is not taught at college."
clayey hand through the hedge and grasping mine,   "Pooh! my friend; I can learn any thing. Be"if this is not my old master the Dominie!" and  sides, my wife's mother was a farmer's daughter,
truly he gave me the farmer's gripe, as if my hand  and Lizzy herself understands farming already, as
had been made of cast metal.                    if she was reared to it. She makes all the butter,
"What are you doing here, Charlie?" said I. and the children drink all the milk, and we live so
"Why are you not minding your shop instead of  happy; birds singing in the morning-cows lowing
marching there in the furrows at the plough-tail?"  at night-drinking treacle ale all day; and nothing
"Chop," said he, "what chop?  Na, na, Domi- to do but watch the corn growing. In short, farmnie, I've gotten a better trade by the hand."   ing is the natural state of man. Adam and Eve
" It cannot be possible, Charlie, that ye've turned  were a farmer and his wife, just like me and Lizzie
farmer?"                                        Cheap! "
" Whether it be possible or no, it is true," said    "But you'll change again shortly, I am afraid,
Charlie; "but dinna be standing there whistling  Mr. Cheap."
through the hedge, but come in by the slap at the    " That's impossible, for I've got a nineteen years'
corner, and ye shall taste my wife's treacle ale."    lease. I'll grow gray as a farmer. Well, good bye,
"Well really," said I, when I had got down into  Dominie. Be sure you give us a call the next time
the farm-house, "this is the most marvellous ye pass, and get a drink of our treacle ale."
change."                                           "Well, really this is the most extraordinary
"No change to speak of," said he; "do ye think  thing," said I to myself, as I walked up the lane
I was going to be tied up to haberdrabbery all my  from the farm house. " I shall be curious to ascerdays? No, no, I knew I had a genius for farming; tain if he's going to stick to the farming till he's
the chop-keeping grew flat and unprofitable, a chield  ruined."
from England set up next door to me, so a country    I thought no more of Changeable Charlie for
customer took a fancy for a town life. I sold him  above a year, when, coming towards the same
my stock in trade, and he sold me the stock on his neighborhood, I resolved to go a short distance out
of my way to pay him a visit. My road lay across
a clear country stream, which winded along a pleasant green valley beneath me; and as I drew near
(~'~.Ac~~~,r~~             ~the rustic bridge, my ear caught the lively sound of
N2~e~~S   ~I- W -ilP/i/i )~a waterfall, which murmured from a picturesque
/ ~               \?).~.~ ~\   a  Espot among opening woods, a little way above the
<h       e        m       ) V-~  T  /Xz=X~&bridge. A little mill-race, with its narrow channel
of deep, level water, next attracted my notice; and
/   presently after, the regular splash of a water-wheel,
/and the boom of a corn-mill, became objects of my
42




646                                CHANGEABLE CHARLIE.
meditative observation. The mill looked so quaint    Merry may the maid be that marries the niller,
and rustic by the stream, the banks were so green   For foul day and fair day, he's aye bringing till herHis ample hands in ilk man's pock,
and the water so clear, that I was tempted to wan-  His mill grinds muckle siller,
der towards it, down from the bridge, just to make  His wife is dress'd in silk and lawn
the whole a subject of closer observation.          For he's aye bringing till her.
A barefooted girl came forth from the house    "But dear me, Mr. Cheap," said I, " what was it
and stared in my face, as a Scottish lassie may be  that put you out of the farm, where I thought you
supposed to do at a reasonable man.  " Can you  were so happy, and making a fortune?"
tell me," said I, willing to make up an excuse for    "I was as happy as a man could be, and making
my intrusion, " if this road will lead me to the farm  money too, and nothing put me out of the farm,
of Longrigs, which is occupied by one Mr. Cheap?" although I was quite glad of the change, but just a
The lassie looked in my face with a thieveless smile, penny of fair debt, the which, you know, is a good
and, without answering a word, took a bare-legged  man's case-and a little civil argument about the
race into the mill. Presently, a great lumbering  rent. But every thing turned out for the best, for
miller came out, like a walking bag of flour from  Willie Happer, the former miller, just ran awa the
beside the hopper, and I immediately saw he was same week; I got a dead bargain of the mill, and
going to address me.                            so I came in to reign in his stead. Am I not a forNever did I see such a snowy man. His miller's tunate man?"
hat was inch thick with flour; he whitened the green    "Never was a man so lucky," said I; "but do
earth as he walked, the knees of his breeches were  you really mean to be a waiter on the mill-hopper
loose, and the stockings that hung about his heels all your days?"
would have made a hearty meal for a starving gar-   "As long as wood turns round and water runs;
rison.                                          but, Lizzy," he added to his wife, " what are you
" What can the impudent rascal be staring at?" I standing glowering there for, and me like to choke?
said, and I began to cast my eyes down on my per- Gang and fetch us a jug of your best treacle ale."
son, to see if I could find any cause in my own ap-   "It surely cannot be," said I to myself when I
pearance, that the miller and his lassie should thus had left the mill, " that Changeable Charlie will ever
treat me as a world's wonder.                   adopt a new profession now, but live and die a mil" Ye were asking, I think," he said, " after Char- ler."  I was, however, entirely mistaken in my callie Cheap, of the Longrigs?"                   culation, as I found before I was two years older;
"' Yes," said I, " but his farm must be some miles and though I have not time, at this present sitting,
from this. Perhaps, as you are the miller of the  to tell the whole of Charlie's story-and have a
neighborhood, you can direct me the nearest road  strong suspicion that my veracity might be put in
to it."                                         jeopardy, were I to condescend thereto, I am quite
The burley scoundrel first lifted up his eye-wink- ready to take my oath, that after this I found him
ers, which were clotted with flour, shook out about in not less than five different characters, in all of
a pound of it from his bushy whiskers, and then  which he was equally happy and equally certain of
burst into a laugh in my very face as loud as the  making a fortune. Where the mutations of Charlie
neighing of a miller's horse.                   might have run to, and whither, to speak with a
"Ho, ho, hough!" grinned he, coughing upon me little agreeable stultification, he might not, like
a shower of flour.  "Is it possible, Dominie, that another remarkable man, have exhausted worlds
ye dinna ken me?" and opening a mouth at least as and then imagined new, it is impossible to prediwide as his own hopper, I began to recognize the  cate, if Fortune had not, in her usual injustice, put
exaggerated features of Changeable Charlie.     an end to his career of change, by leaving his wife
"' Well really," said I, gazing at his grin, and the  Lizzy a considerable legacy.
hills of flour that arose from his cheeks-" really    The last character then that I found Charlie strivthis beats every thing! and so, Charlie, ye're now  ing to enact, was that of a gentleman-that is, a
turned into a miller?"                         man who has plenty of money to live upon, and
"As sure's a gun!" said he. "Lord bless your nothing whatever to do. It did not appear, howsoul, Dominie! do you think I could bear to spread  ever, that Charlie's happiness was at all improved
dung and turn up dirt all my life? no! I have a soul by this last change; for, besides that it had taken
above that. Besides, your miller is a man in power. from him all his private joys, in the hope of one day
He is an aristocrat over the farmers, and with the  making a fortune, it had raised up a most unexpower has its privileges too, for he takes a multre  pected enemy, in the shape of old father Time,
out of every man's sack, and levies his revenues whom he found it more troublesome and less hopelike a prime minister. No one gets so soon fat as ful to contend with, than all the obstacles that had
those that live by the labor of others, as you may  formerly seemed to stand in his way to the making
see; for the landed interest supports me by day, of an independent fortune.
and my water wheel works for me all night, so if I   When the legacy was first showered upon him,
don't get rich now, the deuce is in it."        however, he seemed as happy under the dispensa" I suppose," said I, following him into the mill, tion as he had been before under any other of his
" you are just making a fortune."               changes. In the hey-dey of his joy, he sent for me
"How can I help it?" said he, " making money  to witness his felicity, and to give him my advice as
while I sleep, for I hear the musical click of the  to the spending of his money.  This invitation I
hopper in my dreams, and my bairns learn their les- was thoughtless enough to accept, but it was more
sons by the jog of it. I wish every man who has that I might pick up a little philosophy out of what
passed a purgatory at college, were just as happy  I should observe, than from any pleasure that I exas the miller and his wife. Is not that the case, pected, or any good that I was likely to do. When
Lizzy?" he added, addressing his better half, who  I got to his house, 1 was worried to death by all the
now came forth hung round by children-" as the fine things I was forced to look at, that had been
song goes,"                                     sent to him from Jamaica, and all that from him




THE COBBLER,                                      647
and his wife I was forced to hear. I tried to im- of thankfulness for this unlooked-for deliverance
press him concerning the good that he might do from constant vicissitude, or one grateful expression
with his money, in reference to many who sorely  to Providence, for being so unreasonably kind to
wanted it, but I found that he had too little feeling  this family, while thousands around them struggled
himself to understand the feelings of others, and incessantly, in ill-rewarded industry and unavailing
that affliction had never yet driven a nail into his anxiety. So I wound up the story of Changeable
own flesh, to open his heart to sympathy. Instead  Charlie in reflective melancholy, for I had seen so
of entering into any rational plans, his wife and he many who would, for any little good fortune, have
laughed all day at nothing whatever, his children, been most thankful and happy, yet never were able
turned the house upside down in their ecstasy at to attain thereto; and I inclined to the sombre conbeing rich; and, in short, never before had I been  clusion, that in this world the wise and virtuous
so wearied at seeing people happy.             man was often less fortunate, and generally less
In all this, however, I heard not one single word happy, than the fool.
THE COBBLER.
BY A. WHITELAW,
IN the little picturesque village of Duddingstone, by the legislature of the day, and which he had
which lies sweetly at the foot of Edinburgh's great heard was resorted to by many with success. Roblion, Arthur-Seat, and which is celebrated for its in resolved to try the lottery. With thirty shillings,
strawberries and sheep-head broth, flourished, with- which he kept in an old stocking for the landlord,
in our own remembrance, a poor and honest mender he went to Edinburgh, and purchased a sixteenth.
of boots and shoes, by name Robert Rentoul.    This proceeding he determined to keep a profound
Robin had been a cobbler all his days-to very  secret from every one; but whiskey cannot tolerlittle purpose. He had made nothing of the busi- ate secrets; the first half-mutchkin with barber
ness, although he had given it a fair trial of fifty or Hugh succeeding in ejecting it; and as the barber
sixty years. He was born, and cobbled-got mar- had every opportunity, as well as disposition, to
ried, and cobbled-got children, and cobbled-got spread it, the thing was known to all the village in
old, and cobbled, without advancing a step beyond  the lathering of a chin.
his last. It " found him poor at first and left him    Among others, it reached the ears of-Mr. Blank,
so!" To make the ends meet was the utmost he  a young gentleman who happened to reside at Dudcould do. He therefore bore no great liking to a dingstone, and who took an interest in the fortunes
profession which had done so little for him, and for of Robin. Mr. B. (unknown to the villagers) was
which he had done so much; but in truth, his want connected with the press of Edinburgh, particularof liking may be considered as much a cause as an  ly with a certain newspaper, one copy of which
effect of his want of success. His mind, in short, had an extensive circulation in Duddingstone.
did not go with his work; and it was the interest, First of all, the newspaper reached Mr. Blank on
as well as duty and pleasure, of his good wife, Janet, the Saturday of its publication; on the Monday it
to hold him to it (particularly when he had given  fell into the hands of Robin, who, like the rest of
his word of honor to a customer) by all the arts his trade, had most leisure on that day to peruse it;
common to her sex,-sometimes by scolding, some- on the Tuesday, the baker had it; on the Wednestimes by taunting, but oftener-for Janet was a day, the tailor; on the Thursday, the blacksmith;
kind-hearted creature-by treating him to a thim- on the Friday, the gardener; and on the Saturday
bleful of aquavitse, which he loved dearly, with its the barber, in whose shop it lay till the succeeding
proper accompaniments of bread and cheese.     Saturday brought another, when it was torn down
Although, however, Robin did not keep by the  for suds, leaving not a wreck behind, except occashoes with any good heart, he could not be called  sionally a King's speech, a cure for the rupture, a
either a lazy or inefficient man. In every thing but list of magistrates and town council, or any other
cobbling he took a deep and active interest. In  interesting passage that took the barber's fancy,
particular, he was a great connoisseur of the  which was carefully clipped out, and pasted on the
weather. Nobody could prophesy snow like Robin, wooden walls of his apartment, to the general satisor foretell a black frost. The latter was Robin's faction, instruction, and entertainment of his cusdelight; for with it came the people of Edinburgh, tomers. This newspaper, like Wordsworth's Old
to hold their saturnalia on Duddingstone Loch, and  Cumberland Beggar, was the means of keeping alive
cobbling, on these great occasions, was entirely out a sympathy and community of feeling among the
of the question. His rickety table, big-bellied bot- parties; and in particular, tended to establish a
tle, and tree-legged glass, were then in requisition, friendly intercourse between Robin Rentoul and Mr.
for the benefit of curlers and skaters in general, Blank. Robin could count upon his glass every
and of himself in particular. But little benefit ac- Monday, when he went for "the papers," —and, excrued from these to Robin, although he could al- cept the glass, he liked nothing better than to have
ways count on one good customer-in himself. On what he called "a bother" with Mr. B. himself. Mr.
the breaking up of the ice, he' regularly found him- B. soon got from Robin's own mouth all the parself poorer than before, and, what was worse, with  ticulars of the lottery-ticket purchase, even to the
a smaller disposition than ever to work.       very number,-which was 1757, a number chosen
It must have been on some occasion of this kind, by Robin, who had an eye to fatalism, as being the
that strong necessity suggested to Robin a step for date of the year in which he was born.
the bettering of his fortunes, which was patronized    A love of mischief or sport suggested to the




648                                    THE COBBLFR.
young gentleman the wicked thought of making the a GALLON O' your best; and some cheese-a HAIL
newspaper a means of hoaxing Robin regarding the  CHEESE-nane o' your halfs and quarters."
lottery ticket. We shall not undertake to defend    "Guide us, Robin! What bee's this in your bonMr. Blank's conduct, even on the score of his be- net? The man's gyte!"
ing, as he was, a very young man. The experiment   "Look there, woman, at the papers. I've gotten
he made was cruel, although we believe it was done a prize. A twenty thousand pounder. What's the
without malignity, and with every resolution that sixteenth o' that, think ye?"
Robin should not be a loser by it. About the time    "A prize and nae blank! Eh, wow, Robin, gie's
when news of the lottery-drawing was expected, a shake o'your hand. I aye said ye wad come to
the following paragraph appeared in the newspaper something. Isy, you slut, rin for the barber, —and
-with which Mr. Blank was connected:            Neil-if he's sober-and bring the gudeman too.
The mae the merrier."
"By private accounts from London, we understand that   Robin was soon surrounded by all his cronies of
984 and 1757 are the numbers drawn in the present lottery  the village, for the news of his good fortune spread
for the two ~20,000 prizes. We know not if any of these
lucky numbers have been disposed of in this quarter."  with the rapidity of scandal. Innumerable were
the shakings of hands, and the pledges of good
Poor Robin came for his newspaper at the usual will and assistance. The Sheep's Head soon betime, and in his usual manner. He got his custom- came too hot for the company; the village itself
ary glass, but missed his customary " bother " with  was in an uproar, and as halloo followed halloo,
Mr. Blank, who chose for the present to be out of Mr. Blank inwardly "shrunk at the sound himself
the way. Home he trudged, carrying the newspa- had made."  Meanwhile, to have the truth of the
per, the harbinger of his fortune, in the crown of statement confirmed, a superannuated lawyer had
his hat-placed himself on his stool-drew out his been despatched on an old blood horse to the lotspectacles —and began to read, as usual, from the  tery office at Edinburgh; and his return, with the
beginning of the first page. It was some time be- intelligence that all was a hoax, spread dismay over
fore he reached the paragraph big with his fate. the faces of the carousers, and made Robin's heart
When he saw it, he gave a gasp-took off his spec- sink with grief and shame.
tacles, and began to rub them, as if doubtful that   A speedy change took place in the conduct of
they had deceived him-placed them again deliber- those fair-weather friends who had flocked around
ately on his nose-read the passage over again, the poor cobbler. From being the admired of all
slowly and surely-then quietly laying his hand on beholders, he became on object of scorn and laugha shoe which he had been mending, and which con- tes, till, unable to stand their mocks and jibes, he
tained a last, made it in a moment spin through the rushed from their presence, arid sought shelter unwindow, carrying casement with it, and passing  der his own bed-clothes. The only one who stood
barely the head of a fishwife who was toiling along  true was Neil the tailor. He followed Robin to his
with her creel. His wife, Janet, was not at home, own house-took him by the hand, and said, "Robso, rushing out of doors, he made way to his old in, my man, I promised you a suit o' clothes, o' the
howff, at the sign of the Sheep's Head. The land- best. I ken ye wad hae befriended me had ye got
lady held up her hands at his wild look.       the cash —and-lottery or no lottery —by Jove! I'll
" Send for barber Hughie," he cried, "and Neil keep my word."
the tailor; and I say, Luckie, bring in —let me see-    Mr. Blank took care to discharge the debt in~.11=7 k                                               -: f-IN
_   -/
~~-~~-~ - ~~~ —[t~ -'~~-=



THE SEARCH AFTER HAPPINESS.                                 649
curred at the Sheep's Head, and endeavored, by  The sixteenth of even this was a little fortune to
proffers of money and otherwise, to comfort Robin, him, and he received it with a sober satisfaction,
and atone in some measure for the injury he had se- very different from the boisterous glee which he
cretly done him. But Robin turned himself in his had formerly displayed,  "I'll seek nane o' them
bed, and would not be comforted. Three days he this time," he said to his wife, Janet-" except Neil
laid in this plight, when authentic information ar- the tailor; he, puir body, was the only true-heartrived of the drawing of the lottery. Robin's num- ed creature amang them a'. I've learnt a lesson by
ber was, after all, in reality a lucky one-not, in- what has taken place. I ken wha to trust."
deed, twenty thousand, but five thousand pounds.
THE SEARCH AFTER HAPPINESS;
(or, 9e  (Qust of  X1taurttn *oimarmu.
BY SIR WALTER SCOTT.
OH, for a glance of that gay muse's eye,      Belonging to the Mollah's subtle craft,
That lighten'd on Bandello's laughing tale,   I wot not-but the Sultaun never laugh'd,
And twinkled with a lustre shrewd and sly,    Scarce ate or drank, and took a melancholy
When Giam Battista bade her vision hail!-    That scorn'd all remedy, profane or holy;
Yet fear not, ladies, the naive detail       In his long list of melancholies, mad,
Given by the natives of that land canorous;   Or mazed, or dumb, hath Burton noqe so bad.
Italian license loves to leap the pale,
We Britons have the fear of shame before us,
And, if not wise in mirth, at least must be decorous. Physicians soon arrived, sage, ware, and tried,
As e'er scrawl'd jargon in a darken'd room;
With heedful glance the Sultaun's tongue they eyed,
In the far eastern clime, no great while since,  Peep'd in his bath, and God knows where beside,
Lived Sultaun Solimaun, a mighty prince,          And then in solemn accent spoke their doom,
Whose eyes, as oft as they perform'd their round,   "His majesty is very far from well."
Beheld all others fixed upon the ground;        Then each to work with his specific fell;
Whose ears received the same unvaried phrase,    The Hakim Ibrahim instanter brought
"Sultaun! thy vassal hears, and he obeys!"    His unguent Mahazzin al Zerdukkaut,
All have their tastes —this may the fancy strike  While Roompot, a practitioner more wily,
Of such grave folks as pomp and grandeur like:    Relied on his Munaskif all fillfily.
For me, I love the honest heart and warm        More and yet more in deep array appear,
Of monarch who can amble round his farm,        And some the front assail, and some the rear;
Or when the toil of state no more annoys,       Their remedies to reinforce and vary,
In chimney corner seek domestic joys-           Came surgeon eke, and eke apothecary;
I love a prince will bid the bottle pass,
Exchanging with his subjects glance and glass;
In fitting time, can, gayest of the gay,
Keep up the jest, and mingle in the laySuch Monarchs best our free-born humors suit,                                          i
But Despots must be stately, stern, and mute.  | 
This Solimaun, Serendib had in swayAnd where's Serendib? may some critic sayGood lack, mine honest friend, consult the chart,
Scare not my Pegasus before I start!               {
If Rennell has it not, you'll find, mayhap,
The isle laid down in Captain Sinbad's map —
Famed mariner! whose merciless narrations             A
Drove every friend and kinsman out of patience,
Till, fain to find a guest who thought them shorter,
He deign'd to tell them over to a porter — 
The last edition see, by Long and Co., 
Rees, Hurst, and Orme, our fathers in the Row.
Serendib found, deem not my tale a fiction- 
This Sultaun, whether lacking contradiction-.
(A sort of stimulant which hath its uses,     I|_
To raise the spirits and reform the juices, 
-Sovereign specific for all sorts of cures
In my wife's practice, and perhaps in yours),
The Sultaun lacking this same wholesome bitter,
Of cordial smooth for prince's palate fitterOr if some Mollah had hag-rid his dreams        Till the tired Monarch, though of words grown
With Degial, Ginnistan, and such wild themes        chary,




'660                         THE SEARCH AFTER HAPPINESS.
Yet dropt, to recompense their fruitless labor,  Now whether Fatima was witch in earnest,
Some hint about a bowstring or a sabre.           Or only made believe, I cannot sayThere lack'd, I promise you, no longer speeches,   But she profess'd to cure disease the sternest,
To rid the palace of those learned leeches.       By dint of magic, amulet or lay;
And, when all other skill in vain was shown,
She deem'd it fitting time to use her own.
Then was the council call'd-by their advice
(They deem'd the matter ticklish all, and nice,  "Sympathia magica hath wonders done;'
And sought to shift it off from their own shoul- (Thus did old Fatima bespeak her son,)
ders)                                       " It works upon the fibres and the pores,
Tartars and couriers in all speed were sent,    And thus, insensibly, our health restores,
To call a sort of Eastern Parliament            And it must help us here. Thou must endure
Of feudatory chieftains and freeholders-      The ill, my son, or travel for the cure.
Such have the Persians at this very day,        Search land and sea, and get, where'er you can,
My gallant Malcolm calls them couroultai;-      The inmost vesture of a happy man:
I'm not prepared to show in this slight song    I mean his SHIRT, my son; which, taken warm
That to Serendib the same forms belong —        And fresh from off his back, shall chase your harm,
E'en let the learned go search, and tell me if I'm  Bid every current of your veins rejoice,
wrong.                                     And your dull heart leap light as shepherd-boy's."
Such was the counsel from his mother came; —
The Omrahs, each with hand on scimetar,I know not if she had some under game,
Gave, like Sempronius, still their voice for war-    As doctors have, who bid their patients roam
" The- sabre of the Sultaun in its sheath      And live abroad, when sure to die at home;
Too long has slept, nor own'd the work of death;  Or if she thought, that, somehow or another,
Let the Tambourgi bid his signal rattle,        Queen-Regent sounded better than Queen-Mother;
Bang the loud gong, and  ise the shout of battle. But, says the Chronicle (who will go look it?)
That such was her advice-the Sultaun took it.
This dreary cloud that dims our sovereign's day,
Shall from his kindled bosom flit away,
When the bold Lootie wheels his courser round,    All are on board-the Sultaun and his train,
And the arm'd elephant shall shake the ground.    In gilded galley prompt to plow the main.
Each noble pants to own the glorious summons-     The old Rai  was the first who question'd,
And for the charges-Lo i your faithful Commons i"   " Whither?"
They paused —" Arabia," thought the  pensive
Prince,
The Riots who attended in their places          "Was call'd The Happy many ages since;(Serendib language calls a farmer Riot)        For Mokha, Rais."  And they came safely thither,
Look'd ruefully in one another's faces,         But not in Araby, with all her balm,
From this oration arguing much disquiet,     Not where Judea weeps beneath her palm,
Double assessment, forage, and free quarters;   Not in rich Egypt, not in Nubian waste,
And fearing these as China-men the Tartars,     Could there the step of Happiness be traced.
Or as the whisker'd vermin fear the mousers,   One Copt alone profess'd to have seen her smile
Each fumbled in the pockets of his trowsers.    When Bruce his goblet fill'd at infant Nile:
And next came forth the reverend Convocation,    She bless'd the dauntless traveller as he quaff'd,
Bald heads, white beards, and many a turban  But vanish'd from him with the ended draught.
green,
Imaum and Mollah there of every station,        "Enough of turbans," said the weary King,
Santon, Fakir, and Calendar were seen.        "These dolimans of ours are not the thing;
Their votes were various-some advised a Mosque   Try we the Giaours, these men of coat and cap, I
With fitting revenues should be erected,     Incline to think some of them must be happy;
With seemly gardens and with gay Kiosque,       At least they have as fair a cause as any can,
To recreate a band of priests selected;       They drink good wine and keep no Ramazan.
Others opined that through the realm a dole     Then northward, ho!"-The vessel cuts the sea,
Be made to holy men, whose prayers might profit And fair Italia lies upon her lee.The Sultaun's weal in body and in soul.         But fair Italia, she who once unfurled
But their long-headed chief, the Sheik U1-Sofit,   Her eagle-banners o'er a conquer'd world,
More closely touch'd the point;-" Thy studious Long from her throne of domination tumbled,
mood,"                             -       Lay, by her quondam vassals, sorely humbled,
Quoth he, " 0 Prince! hath thicken'd all thy blood, The Pope himself look'd pensive, pale, and lean,
And dull'd thy brain with labor beyond measure;   And was not half the man he once had, been.
Wherefore relax a space and take thy pleasure,  " While these the priest and those the noble fleeces,
And toy with beauty, or tell o'er thy treasure;  Our poor old boot," they said, "is torn to pieces.
From all the cares of state, my Liege, enlarge thee, Its tops the vengeful claws of Austria feel,
And leave the burden to thy faithful clergy."  And the Great Devil is rending toe and heel.
If happiness you seek, to tell you truly,
We think she dwells with one Giovanni Bulli;
These counsels sage availed not a whit,         A tramontane, a heretic-the buck,
And so the patient (as is not uncommon       Poffaredio! still has all the luck;
Where grave physicians lose their time and wit)    By land or ocean never strikes his flagResolved to take advice of an old woman;     And then-a perfect walking money-bag."
His mother she, a dame who once was beauteous,   Off set our Prince to seek John Bull's abode,
And still was called so by each subject duteous.  But first took France-it lay upon the road.




THE SEARCH AFTER HAPPINESS.                                651
Monsieur Baboon, after much late commotion,    But, with due dignity, the Sultaun said,
Was agitated like a settling ocean,            "Permit me, sir, your bounty to decline;
Quite out of sorts, and could not tell what ail'd him, A shirt indeed I seek, but none of thine.
Only the glory of his house had fail'd him;    Signior, I kiss your hands, so fare you well,"Besides, some tumors on his noddle biding,     "Kiss and be d-d," quoth John, " and go to hell!"
Gave indication of a recent hiding.
Our Prince, though Sultauns of such things are
Our Prince, t   u       f        i         Next door to John there dwelt his sister Peg,
heedless,                                  Once a wild lass as ever shook a leg
Thought it a thing indelicate and needless,    When the blithe bagpipe blew-but, soberer now,
To ask, if at that moment he was comme uhappy.t    She doucely span her flax and milk'd her cow.
And Monsieur, seeing that he was comme iifaut, a  Arid whereas erst she was a needy slattern,
Loud voice muster'd up, for " Vive le Roi!"
Nor now of wealth or cleanliness a pattern,
Then whisper'd, "'Ave you any news of Nappy " Nor now of wealth or cleanliness 
The Sultaun answered him with a cross question —   Yet once a month her house was partly swept,
"Pray, can you tell me aught of one John Bull,  And once a week a plenteous board she kept;
And whereas eke the vixen used her claws
That dwells somewhere beyond your herring- And, whereas, eke, the vixen used her claws
And teeth of yore, on slender provocation,
apool                 s........ a.She now was grown amenable to laws,
The query seem'd of difficult digestion.         A quiet soul as any in the nation;
The party shrugg'd, and grinn'd, and took his snuff,
And found his whole good-breeding scarce enough. The sole remembrance of her warlike joys
Was in old songs she sang to please her boys.
John Bull, whom, in their years of early strife,
Twitching his visage into as many puckers,     She wont to lead a cat-and-doggish life,
As damsels wont to put into their tuckers      Now found the woman, as he said, a neighbor,
(Ere liberal Fashion damn'd both lace and lawn,    Who look'd to the main chance, declined no labor,
And bade the veil of modesty be drawn),        Loved a long grace, and spoke a northern jargon,
Replied the Frenchman, after a brief pause,    And was d-d close in making of a bargain.
"Jean Bool!-I vas not know him-yes, I vas;
I vas remember dat, von year or two,           The Sultaun enter'd, and he made his leg,
I saw him at von place call'd Vaterloo-        And with decorum courtesy'd sister Peg;
Ma foi! il s'est tres joliment battu,          (She loved a book, and knew a thing or two,
Dat is for Englishman-m'entendez-vous?        And guess'd at once with whom she had to do.)
But den he had wit him one damn son-gun,       She bade him " Sit into the fire," and took
Rogue I no like-dey call him Vellington."      Her dram, her cake, her kebbuck from the nook;
Monsieur's politeness could not hide his fret,  Ask'd him " About the news from Eastern parts;
So Solimaun took leave, and cross'd the strait.  And of her absent bairns, puir Highland hearts!
If peace brought down the price of tea and pepper,
John Bull was in his very worst of moods,      And if the nitmugs were grown ony cheaper;Raving of sterile farms and unsold goods;      Were there nae speerings of our Mungo ParkHis sugar-loaves and bales about he threw,     Ye'll be the gentleman that wants the sark?
And on his counter beat the devil's tattoo.    If ye wad buy a web o' auld wife's spinning,
Hi    s wars were ended, and the victory won,  I'll warrant ye it's a weel wearing linen."
But then,'twas reckoning-day with honest John;
And authors vouch,'twas still this worthy's way,   Then up got Peg, and round the house'gan scuttle
"Never to grumble till he came to pay;           In search of goods her customer to nail,
And then he always thinks, his temper's such,  Until the Sultaun strain'd his princely throttle
The work too little, and the pay too much."      And halloo'd-" Ma'am, that is not what I ail.
Yet grumbler as he is, so kind and hearty,   Pray, are you happy, ma'am, in this snug glen?"That when his mortal foe was on the floor,     "' Happy?" said Peg; " What for d'ye want to ken?
And past the power to harm his quiet more,     Besides, just think upon this by-gane year,
Poor John had well-nigh wept for Bonaparte!    Grain wadna pay the yoking of the pleugh."Such was the wight whom Solimaun salam'd-      "What say you to the present?"-" Meal's sae
"And who are you," John answer'd, " and be         dear,
d-d?"                                       To make their brose my bairns have scarce
aneugh."-'"The devil take the shirt," said Solimaun,
"A stranger, come to see the happiest man-       I think my quest will end as it began.So, signior, all avouch-i arangoistan."        Farewell, ma'am; nay, no ceremony, I beg""nHappys? my tenants breaking on my hand;     "Ye'll no be for the linen, then?" said Peg.
Unstock'd my pastures, and untill'd my land;
Sugar and rum a drug, and mice and moths
The sole consumers of my good broadcloths-     Now, for the land of verdant Erin,
Happy?-why, cursed war and racking tax        The Sultaun's royal bark is steering,
Have left us scarcely raiment to our backs."-  The Emerald Isle, where honest Paddy dwells,
" In that case, signior, I may take my leave;. The cousin of John Bull, as story tells.
I came to ask a favor-but I grieve." —         For a long space had John, with words of thunder,
" Favor?" said John, and eyed the Sultaun hard,   Hard looks, and harder knocks, kept Paddy under,
"It's my belief you came to break the yard!-  Till the poor lad, like boy that's flogged unduly,
But, stay, you look like some poor foreign sinner-  Had gotten somewhat restive and unruly.
Take that to buy yourself a shirt and dinner."-    Hard was his lot and lodging, you'll allow,
With that he chuck'd a guinea at his head;     A wigwam that would hardly serve a sow;




652              RAB'S DREAM.  OBEDIENT WIVES.  A LIBERAL OFFER.
His landlord, and of middle men two brace,      "By Mahomet," said Sultaun Solimaun,
Had screw'd his rent up to the starving place;  " That ragged fellow is our very man!
His garment was a top-coat, and an old one,     Rush in and seize him-do not do him hurt,
His meal was a potato, and a cold one;          But, will he nill he, let me have his shirt."
But still for fun or frolic, and all that,
In the round world was not the match of Pat.   Shilela their plan was well-nigh after balking
The Sultaun saw him on a holiday,               (Much less provocation will set it a-walking),
Which is with Paddy still a jolly day;          But the odds that foil'd Hercules foil'd Paddy
When mass is ended, and his load of sins             Whack;
Confess'd, and Mother Church hath from her binns They seized, and they floor'd, and they stripp'd him;
Dealt forth a bonus of imputed merit,                Alack!
Then is Pat's time for fancy, whim, and spirit!  Up-bubboo! Paddy had not-a shirt to his back!!!
To jest, to sing, to caper fair and free,       And the King, disappointed, with sorrow and shame,
And dance as light as leaf upon the tree.       Went back to Serendib as sad as he came.
RAB'S DREAM.-Rab was in the habit of occasion- appear again for a week, when observing a surprisally receiving a small gratuity from one of the cler- ing apparent decrease in the volume of the ocean,
gymen of the town. From  some cause or other, owing to the recess of the tide, one remarked to
this had been for some time neglected. One day  the other, "Gosh, Jamie, the jauds hae dune weel!" 
the clergyman and Rab having met: "Weel, how's,,
a' wi' you the day, Rab?" inquired his reverence.   A LIBERAL OFFER.-A clergyman was presented
"Deed, sir, I had an awfu' dream last night. I to a living in the vicinity of Glasgow, who had a
dreamt that I was dead, and that I gaed awa to the  protuberance between the shoulders, arising from
guid place; and when I cam' there, I knocked at a big  diseased spine; and a corresponding protrusion of
yett, and after I had stood awhile, there was a man, the chest. The parishioners were opposed to a perI believe it was the Apostle Peter, looked ower the son of such ungainly appearance occupying their
top o' the yett, and he cries,'Who's there?''It's pulpit. The presentee heard of the dissatisfaction,
Rab Hamilton,' says I.'Where,' says he,'do ye and, being a person of some humor and tact, concome from?' Says I,'`?rae the auld town o' Ayr.' vened a meeting of the malcontents, in order to as-'Hech, mon,' says he,'I am glad to see you here; certain their objections.  "I have heard," said he,
for there's neither mon nor woman come here frae  "that my settlement amongst you is not likely to be
that place for the last twa or three years.'"   agreeable; now, as I am not aware of any objection to my opinions or practice-my slender abiliOBEDIENT WivEs.-The people of Greenock are ties for such a charge I admit-I should just like,
forrd of telling stories reflecting on the inland igno- as we are all friends and brethren, and have only
rance of the bodies of Paisley.                 one object to serve, that you would state your obOne of these is to the following effect:-Two  jections."  One glanced to another, which was as
cocks, newly sprung into affluence, were prevailed  significantly returned, and silence prevailed for some
upon by their wives to allow them to pay a visit to time, when one stammered out, "Sir, you see-we
Gourock, but only on condition that they were to  -you see-sir-sir, I maun speak for my brethren
employ their time well, and take plenty of salt wa- here-dinna like your bodily appearance."  "Neiter. Having accompanied their spouses to that vil- ther do I," was the reply; "and if ye can get it
lage, and seen them properly accommodated, the  repaired, I'll be at half the expense myself."
two gentlemen returned to business, and did not








VJ~
"4 X
~! 0t:4E%%V




DR. KITCHINER.                                    653
FIRST COUPRSE.
111./'                      CUS
IT greatly grieved us to think that Dr. Kitchiner some occasional jolting might still be discovered
should have died before our numerous avocations among the lanes and cross-roads; but, though viohad allowed us an opportunity of dining with him, lent, it could not be long: and we defy the most
and subjecting to the test-act of our experienced  sedentary gentleman living to be more so, when
palate his claims to immortality as a Cook and a sitting in an easy chair by his parlor fireside, than
Christian. The Doctor had, we know, a dread of in a cushioned carriage spinning along the turnpike.
Us-not altogether unalloyed by delight; and on But for the trees and hedge-rows all galloping by,
the dinner to Us, which he had meditated for near- he would never know that he was himself in motion.
ly a quarter of a century, he knew and felt must The truth is, that no gentleman can be said, nowahave hung his reputation with posterity-his pos- days, to lead a sedentary life, who is not constantly
thilmous fame. We understand that there is an un- travelling before the insensible touch of M'Adam.
finished sketch of that Dinner among the Doctor's Look at the first twenty people that come towering
papers, and that the design is magnificent. Yet, by on the roof of a Highflier or a Defiance. What
perhaps, it is better for his glory that Kitchiner can be more sedentary?  Only look at that elderly
should have died without attempting to imbody in gentleman with the wig, evidently a parson, jammed
forms the idea of that Dinner. It might have been  in between a brace of buxom virgins on their way
a failure. How liable to imperfection the materiel down to Doncaster races. Could he be more seon which he would have had to work! How de- dentary, during the psalm, in his own pulpit?
fective the instruments! Yes-yes!-happier far   The Doctor then wisely remarks, that it is " imwas it for the good old man that he should have possible to lay down any rule by which to regulate
fallen asleep with the undimmed idea of that unat- the number of miles a man may journey in a day,
tempted Dinner in his imagination, than, vainly  or to prescribe the precise number of ounces he
contending with the physical evil inherent in mat- ought to eat; but that nature has given us a very
ter. have detected the Bishop's foot in the first excellent guide in a sense of lassitude, which is as
course, and died of a broken heart!          unerring in exercise as the sense of satiety is in
" Travelling," it is remarked by our poor dear eating."
Doctor in his Traveller's Oracle, "is a recreation to    We say the Doctor wisely remarks, yet not altobe recommended, especially to those vwhose employ- gether wisely; for the rule does not seem to hold
ments are sedentary-who are engaged in abstract always good either in exercise or in eating. What
studies-whose minds have been sunk in a state of more common than to feel one's self very much
morbid melancholy by hypochondriasis, or, by what fatigued-quite done up as it were, and unwilling
is worst of all, a lack of domestic felicity. Nature, to stir hand or foot. Up goes a lark in heavenhowever, will not suffer any sudden transition; and tira-lira-or suddenly the breezes blow among the
therefore it is improper for people accustomed to a clouds, wh'o forthwith all begin campaigning in the
sedentary life to undertake suddenly a journey, sky-or, quick as lightning, the sunshine in a moduring which they will be exposed to long and vio- ment resuscitates a drowned day-or tripping along,
lent jolting. The case here is the same as if one all by her happy self, to the sweet accompaniment
accustomed to drink water, should, all at once, of her joy-varied songs, the woodman's daughter
begin to drink wine."                         passes by on her way, with a basket in her hand,
Had the Doctor been alive, we should have asked to her father in the forest, who has already laid
him what he meant by " long and violent jolting." down his axe on the meridian shadow darkening one
Jolting is now absolutely unknown in England, and  side of the straight stem of an oak, beneath whose
it is of England the Doctor speaks. No doubt, grove might be drawn up five score of plumed




654                                   DR. KITCHINER.
chivalry! Where is your "sense of lassitude now, place."  Why, our dear Doctor, illness in such a
nature's unerring guide in exercise?" You spring  deplorable case as this, is just about to end, and
up from the mossy wayside bank, and renewed  death is beginning to take place.  Thank heaven,
both in mind and body, "rejoicing in nature's joy," it is a condition to which we do not remember havyou continue to pass over houseless moors, by small, ing very nearly approximated! Who ever saw us
single, solitary, straw-roofed huts, through villages yawn? or drowsy? or with our appetite impaired,
gathered round Stone Cross, Elm Grove, or old  except on the withdrawal of the table-cloth? or
Monastic Tower, till, unwearied in lith and lim'b, low-spirited, but when the Glenlivet was at ebb?
you see sunset beautifying all the west, and drop  Who dare declare that he ever saw our mouth dry?
in, perhaps, among the hush of the Cottar's Satur- or sensible of a bitter taste, since we gave over
day Night-for it is in sweet Scotland we are walk- munching rowans? Put your finger on our wrist,
ing in our dream-and know  not, till we have  at any moment you choose, from June to January,
stretched ourselves on a bed of rushes or of heather, from January to June, and by its pulsation you may
that "kind nature's sweet restorer, balmy sleep," rectify Harrison's or Kendal's chronometer.
is yet among the number of our bosom friends-   But the Doctor proceeds —" By raising the temalas! daily diminishing beneath fate, fortune, the  perature of my room to about 650, a broth diet,
sweeping scythe-stroke of death, or the whisper of and taking a tea-spoonful of Epsom salts in half a
some one poor, puny, idle, and unmeaning word!   pint of warm  water, and repeating it every half
Then, as to the "sense of satiety in eating."  It hour till it moves the bowels twice or thrice, and
is produced in us by three platefuls of hotch-potch  retiring to rest an hour or two sooner than usual,
-and, to the eyes of an ordinary observer, our I have often very speedily got rid of colds," etc.
dinner would seem to be at an end. But no-    Why, there may be no great harm in acting as
strictly speaking, it is just going to begin. About above. A tea-spoonful of Epsom salts in half a pint
an hour ago did we, standing on the very beautiful of warm water, reminds one, somehow or other, of
bridge of Perth, see that identical salmon, with his Tims. A small matter works a cockney. It is not
back-fin just visible above the translucent tide, ar- so easy-and that the cockneys well know-to
rowing up the Tay, bold as a bridegroom, and  move the bowels of old Christopher North. We do
nothing doubting that he should spend his honey- not believe that a tea-spoonful of any thing in this
moon among the gravel beds of Kinnaird or Moul- world would have any serious effect on old "Ironenearn, or the rocky sofas of the Tummel, or the  sides."  We should have no hesitation in backing
green marble couches of the Tilt. What has be- him  against so much corrosive sublimate.  He
come now of " the sense of satiety in eating!" John  would dine out on the day he had bolted that quan-the castors! — mustard - vinegar - cayenne-  tity of arsenic;-and would, we verily believe,
catchup-peas and potatoes, with a very little but- rise triumphant from a tea-spoonful of Prussic acid.
ter-the biscuit called " rusk"-and the memory of   We could mention a thousand cures for " colds,
the hotch-potch is as that of Babylon the Great. et cetera," more efficacious than a broth diet, a
That any gigot of mutton, exquisite though much  warm room, a tea-spoonful of Epsom salts, or early
of the five-year-old blackfaced must assuredly be, roosting. What say you, our dear Dean, to half a
can, with any rational hopes of success, contend  dozen tumblers of hot toddy?  Your share of a
against a haunch of venison, will be asserted by no  brown jug to the same amount? Or an equal quandevout lover of truth. Try the two by alternate  tity, in its gradual decrease revealing deeper and
platefuls, and you will uniformly find that you leave  deeper still the romantic Welsh scenery of the
off after the venison. That " sense of satiety in  Devil's Punch-Bowl?  Adde tot small-bearded oyseating," of which Dr. Kitchiner speaks, was pro- ters, all redolent of the salt-sea foam, and worthy,
duced by the Tay salmon devoured above-but of as they stud the Ambrosial brodd, to be licked off
all the transitory feelings of us transitory creatures all at once by the lambent tongue of Neptune.
on our transit through this transitory world, in  That antiquated calumny against the character of
which the Doctor asserts nature will not suffer any  toasted cheese-that, forsooth, it is indigestiblesudden transitions, the most transitory ever expe- has been trampled under the march of mind; and
rienced by us is "the sense of satiety in eating." therefore you may tuck in a pound of double GlouTherefore, we have now seen it for a moment exist- cester. Other patients, laboring under catarrh, may,
ing on the disappearance of the hotch-potch-dying  very possibly, prefer the roasted how-towdy —or
on the appearance of the Tay salmon-once more the green goose from his first stubble-field-or why
noticeable as the last plate of the noble fish melted  not, by way of a little variety, a roasted mawkin,
away-extinguished suddenly by the vision of the  midway between hare and leveret, tempting as
venison-again felt for an instant, and but for an  maiden between woman and girl, or, as the Eastern
instant-for a brace and a half of as fine grouse as poet says, between a frock and a gown?  Go to
ever expanded their voluptuous bosoms to be de- bed-no need of warming pans-about a quarter
voured by hungry love! Sense of satiety in eating, before one;-you will not hear that small hour
indeed! If you please, my dear friend, one of the  strike-you will sleep sound till sunrise, sound as
backs-pungent with the most palate-piercing, the Black Stone at Scone, on which the Kings of
stomach-stirring, heart-warming, soul-exalting of  Scotland were crowned of old. And if you contrive
all tastes-the wild bitter-sweet.              to carry a cold about you next day, you deserve to
But the Doctor returns to the subject of travel- be sent to Coventry by all sensible people-and
ling-and fatigue.  " When one begins," he says, may, if you choose, begin taking, with Tims, a tea"to be low-spirited and dejected, to yawn often  spoonful of Epsom salts in a half pint of warm
and be drowsy, when the appetite is impaired, when  water every half hour, till it moves your bowels
the smallest movement occasions a fluttering of the  twice or thrice; but if you do, be your sex, politics,
pulse, when the mouth becomes dry, and is sensible  or religion what they may, never shall ye be sufferof a bitter taste, seek refreshment and repose, if you  ed to contribute even a bit of Balaam to the Magawish to PREVENT ILLNESS, already beginning to take  zine.




DR. KITCHINER.                                     655
SECOND COURSE.                   squirearchy-with a corresponding sprinkling of
superior noblemen from lords to dukes-and then
ABOVE all things, continues Dr. Kitchiner, avoid  to compare them, cheek by jowl, with an equal
travelling through the night, which by interrupting  number of external objects taken from the common
sleep, and exposing the body to the night air, is run of cockneys. This, Doctor, is manifestly what
always prejudicial, even in the mildest weather, you are ettling at —but you must clap your hand,
and to the strongest constitutions."  Pray, Doctor, Doctor, without discrimination, on the great body
what ails you at the night air? If the night air be, of the rural population of England, male and female,
even in the mildest weather, prejudicial to the                 and take whatever comes firststrongest constitutions, what do you think becomes              be it a poor, wrinkled, toothless,
of the cattle on a thousand hills? Why don't all               blear-eyed, palsied hag, tottering
the bulls in Bashan die of the asthma-or look in-               horizontally on a staff, under the
teresting by moonlight in a galloping consumption?             load of a premature old age, (for
Nay, if the night air be so very fatal, how do you              she is not yet fifty,) brought on
account for the longevity of owls?  Have you                    by annual rheumatism and perennever read of the Chaldean shepherds watching the               nial poverty; -be it a young,
courses of the stars? Or, to come nearer our own                ugly unmarried woman, far advantimes, do you not know that every blessed night                 ced in pregnancy, and sullenly
throughout the year, thousands of young lads and                trooping to the alehouse, to meet
lasses meet, either beneath the milk-white thorn —              the overseer of the parish poor,
or on the lea-rig, although the night be ine'er sae             who, enraged with the unborn
wet, and they be ne'er sae weary-or under a rock                bastard, is about to force the
on the hill-or —no uncommon case-beneath a                      parish bully to marry the parish
frozen stack-not of chimneys, but of corn-sheaves               prostitute;-be it a landlord of a
-or on a couch of snow-and that they are all as rural inn, with pig eyes peering over his ruby
warm as so many pies; while, instead of feeling  cheeks, the whole machinery of
what you call "the lack of vigor attendant on the his mouth so deranged by tipploss of sleep, which is as enfeebling and as distress- ling that he simultaneously snorts,
ing as the languor that attends the want of food," stutters, slavers and snores-potthey are, to use a homely Scotch expression, bellied-shanked like a spindle"neither too haud nor bind," the eyes of the young  strae-and bidding fair to be
lads being all as brisk, bold, and bright as the stars buried on or before Saturday
in Charles's Wain, while those of the young lasses week;-be it a half-drunk horseshine with a soft, faint, obscure, but beautiful lus- cowper, swinging to and fro in a  K 
tre, like the dewy Pleiades, over which nature has wraprascal, on a bit of brokeninsensibly been breathing a mist almost waving and  down blood that once won a
waverinog into a veil of clouds?               fifty, every sentence, however
Have you, our dear Doctor, no compassion for short, having but two intelligible
those unfortunate blades, who, nolentes-volentes, words, an oath and a lie-his
must remain out perennially all night-we mean  heart rotten with falsehood, and
the blades of grass, and also the flowers?  Their his bowels burned  up  with
constitutions seem often far from strong; and shut brandy, so that sudden death may pull him from
your eyes on a frosty night, and you will hear them               his saddle before he put spurs
-we have done so many million times-shivering,                    to his sporting filly that she
ay, absolutely shivering under their coat of hoar-                may bilk the turnpike man, and
frost! If the night air be indeed what Dr. Kitchi-                carry him more speedily home
ner has declared it to be-Lord have mercy on the                  to beat or murder his poor,
vegetable world! What agonies in that field of                    pale, industrious char-woman
turnips! Alas, poor Swedes!  The imagination re-                  of a wife;-be it-not a begcoils from the condition of that club of winter cab-              gar, for beggars are prohibited
bages-and of what materials, pray, must the heart    -            from this parish-but a pauper
of that man be made, who could think but for a                    in the sulks, dying on her pitmoment on the case of those carrots, without burst-               tance from the poor-rates, which
ing into a flood of tears!                                        altogether amount in merry
The Doctor avers that the firm. health and fine      "          England but to about the paltry
spirits of persons who live in the country, are not               sum of, more or less, six milmore from breathing a purer air, than from enjoy-                 lions a year-her son, all the
ing plenty of sound sleep; and the most distressing               while, being in a thriving way
misery of " this elysium of bricks and mortar," is as a general merchant in the capital of the parish,
the rareness with which we enjoy " the sweets of a and with clear profits from his business of three
slumber unbroke."                               hupdred pounds per annum, yet suffering the
Doctor-in the first place, it is somewhat doubt- mother that bore him, and suckled him, and washful whether or not persons who live in the country  ed his childish hands, and combed the bumpkin's
have firmer health and finer spirits than persons hair, and gave him Epsoms in a cup when her dear
who live in towns-even in London. What kind of Jonny-raw had the belly-ache, to go down, step by
persons do you mean? You must not be allowed  step, as surely and as obviously as one is seen going
to select some dozen or two of the hairiest among  down a stair with a feeble hold of the banisters,
the curates-a few chosen rectors whose faces have  and stumbling every footfall, down that other flight
been but lately elevated to the purple-a team of of steps that consist of flags that are mortal damp
prebends issuing sleek from their golden stalls-a and mortal cold, and lead to nothing but a parcel
picked bishop-a sacred band, the 6lite of the  of rotten planks, and overhead a vault dripping




6536                                 DR. KITCHINER.
with perpetual moisture, green and slobbery, such  consciously destroyed her offspring in the throes of
as toads delight in crawling heavily through with  travail, if indeed it had ever breathed, for the lungs
now and then a bloated leap, and hideous things would not swim, he swore in a basin of water-so
more worm-like, that go wriggling briskly in and the incestuous murderess was let loose; her brother
out among the refuse of the coffins, and are heard, got hanged in due time after the mutiny at the
by imagination at least, to emit faint angry sounds, Nore-and her father, the fishmonger-why he
because the light of day has hurt their eyes, and  went red raving mad as if a dog had bitten himthe air from the upper world weakened the rank  and died, as the same surgeon and sow-gelder aversavory smell of corruption, clothing, as with a pall, red, of the hydrophobia, foaming at the mouth,
all the inside walls of the tombs; —be it a man yet gnashing his teeth, and some said cursing, but that
in the prime of life as to years,             was a calumny, for something seemed to be the
six feet and an inch high, and                matter with his tongue, and he could not speak,
measuring round the chest forty-              only splutter-nobody venturing, except his amiaeight inches, (which is more,                 ble daughter-and in that particular act of filial
reader, than thou dost by six,                affection she was amiable-to hold in the article of
we bet a sovereign, member al-                death the old man's head;-be
though thou even be'st of the                 it that moping idiot that would
Edinburgh Six Feet Club,) to                  sit, where she suffered, on, on, 
whom Washington Irving's Jack                 on-night and day for ever, on
Tibbets was but a Tims-but                    the selfsame spot, whatever that
then ever so many game-keepers      a         spot might be on which she hapmet him all alone in my lord's                pened to squat at morning,
pheasant preserve, and though                 mound, wall, or stone —motion-  
two of them  died within the                  less, dumb, and, as a stranger
month, two within the year, and          -    would think, also blind, for the
two are now in the workhouse-                 eyelids are still shut —never openone a mere idiot, and the other a madman —both  ed in sun or storm;-yet that
shadows-so terribly were their bodies mauled, and figure-that which is now, and
so sorely were their skulls fractured;-yet the  has for years been, an utter and  
poacher was taken, tried, hulked; and there he sits hopeless idiot, was once a gay,
now, sunning himself on a bank by the edge of a laughing, dancing, singing girl,
wood whose haunts he must thread no more-for whose blue eyes seemed full of light, whether they
the keepers were grim bone-breakers enough in looked on earth or heaven, the flowers or the stars
their way-and when they had gotten him on his -her sweet-heart-a rational young man, it would
back, one gouged him like aYankee, and the other appear —having leapt out upon her suddenly, as
bit off his nose like a Bolton trotter-and one she was passing through the churchyard at night,
smashed his osfrontis with the nailed heel of a two  from behind a tomb-stone in a sack which she, havpound wooden clog, a Preston Purrer; —so that ing little time for consideration, and being naturally
Master Allonby is now far from being a beauty, superstitious, supposed to be a shroud, and the
with a face of that description attached to a head  wearer thereof, who was an active stripling of sound
wagging from side to side under a powerful palsy, flesh and blood, to be a ghost or skeleton, all one
while the Mandarin drinks damnation to the Lord  horrid rattle of bones; so that the trick succeeded
of the Manor in a horn of eleemosynary ale, hand- far beyond the most sanguine expectation of the
ed to him by the village blacksmith, in days of old  Tailor who played the principal part —and sense,
not the worst of the gang, and who, but for a stupid  feeling, memory, imagination, and reason, were all
jury, a merciful judge, and something like prevari- felled by one blow of fear-as butcher felleth oxcation in the circumstantial evidence, would have while by one of those mysteries, which neither we,
been hanged for a murderer-as he was-dissected, nor you, nor anybody else, can understand, life reand hung in chains; —be it a red-haired woman, mained not only unimpaired, but even invigorated;
with a pug-nose, small fiery eyes,            and there she sits, like a clock wound' up to go a
high cheekbones, bulging lips,                certain time, the machinery of which being good,
and teeth like swine-tusks, -    -            has not been altogether deranged by the shock
bearded-flat-breasted as a man                that sorely cracked the case, and will work till the
-tall, scambling in her gait,      -    -     chain is run down, and then it
but swift, and full of wild mo-              I will tick no more; —be it that
tions in her weather-withered      /          tall, fair, lovely girl, so thin and
arms, all starting with sinews  E             attenuated that all wonder she
like whipcord-the Pedestrian                  can walk by herself-that she is
Post to and fro the market town               not blown away even by the
twelve miles off-and so power-                gentle summer breeze that woos
ful a pugilist that she hit Grace             the hectic of her cheek-dying
Maddox senseless in seven min-                all see-and none better than
utes-tried before she was eigh-    f          her poor old mother-and yet
teen for child-murder, but not                herself thoughtless of the cornmhanged, although the man-child,               ing doom, and cheerful as a nestof which the drab was self-delivered in a ditch, was building bird-while her lover,
found with blue finger-marks on its wind-pipe, too deep in despair to be betraybloody mouth, and eyes forced out of their sockets, ed into tears, as he carries her L
buried in the dunghill behind her father's hut-not to her couch, each successive
hanged, because a surgeon, originally bred a sow- day, feels the dear and dreadful burden lighter and
gelder, swore that he believed the mother had un- lighter in his arms. Small strength will it need to




DR. KIITCHINER.                                    6557
support her bier! The coffin, as if empty, will be have walked many hundred times the diameter and
lowered unfelt by the hands that hold those rueful the circumference of this our habitable globe-along
cords!                                          all roads, public and private-with stiles or turnTHIRD  COURSE.                   pike-metropolitan streets and suburban pathsand at all seasons of the revolving year and day;
HAVING thus briefly instructed travellers how to  but never, as we padded the hoof along, met we nor
get a look at Lions, the Doctor suddenly exclaims were overtaken by greyhound, mastiff, or cur, in a
-" IMPRIMIS, BEWARE OF DOGS!"  "There have,"  state of hydrophobia. We have many million times
he says, "been many arguments, pro and con, on the  seen them with their tongues lolling out about a
dreadful disease their bite produces-it is enough  yard-their sides panting-flag struck-and the
to prove that multitudes of men, women and chil- whole dog showing symptoms of severe distress.
dren'have died in consequence of having been  That such travellers were not mad, we do not asbitten by dogs. What does it matter whether they  sert-they may have been mad-but they certainly
were the victims of bodily disease or mental irrita- were fatigued; and the difference, we hope, is often
tion?  The life of the most humble human being is considerable between weariness and insanity. Dr.
of more value than all the dogs in the world-dare  Kitchiner, had he seen such dogs as we have seen,
the most brutal cynic say otherwise?"          would have fainted on the spot. He would have
Dr. Kitchiner always travelled, it appears, in  raised the country against the harmless jog-trotter.
chaises; and a chaise of one kind or other, he re- Pitchforks would have gleamed in the setting sun,
commends to all his brethren of mankind. Why, and the flower of the agricultural youth of a midthen, this intense fear of the canine species? Who  land country, forming a levy en masse, would have
ever saw a mad dog leap into the mail-coach, or offered battle to a turnspit. The Doctor, sitting in
even a gig?  The creature when so afflicted, hangs his coach-like Napoleon at Waterloo-would have
his head, and goes snapping right and left at pedes- cried " Tout est perdu —sauve qui peut?"-and retrians. Poor people like us, who must walk, may  galloping to a provincial town, would have found
well fear hydrophobia-though, thank heaven, we refuge under the gateway of the Hen and Chickens.
have never, during the course ofa tolerably long and    "The life of the most humble human being,"
well-spent life, been so much as once bitten by " the  quoth the Doctor, " is of more value than all the
rabid animal!"  But what have rich authors, who  dogs in the world-dare the most brutal cynic say
loll in carriages, to dread from dogs, who always otherwise?"
go on foot?  We cannot credit the very sweep-   This question is not put to us; for so far from
ing assertion, that multitudes of men, women, and being the most brutal cynic, we do not belong to
children have died in consequence of being bitten  the cynic school at all-being an Eclectic, and our
by dogs. Even the newspapers do not run up the  philosophy composed chiefly of Stoicism, Epicureanamount above a dozen per annum, from which you  ism, and Peripateticism-with a fine, pure, clear,
may safely deduct two-thirds.  Now, four men, bold dash of Platonicism. The most brutal cynic,
women and children, are not "a multitude."  Of if now alive and snarling, must therefore answer
those four, we may set down two as problematical for himself-while we tell the Doctor, that so far
-having died, it is true, in, but not of hydrophobia  from holding, with him, that the life of the most
-states of mind and body wide as the poles asun- humble human being is of more value than all the
der. He who drinks two bottles of pure spirits  dogs in the world, we, on the contrary, verily beevery day he buttons and unbuttons his breeches, lieve that there is many an humble dog whose life
generally dies in a state of hydrophobia-for he far transcends in value the lives of many men,
abhorred water, and knew instinctively the jug  women, and children.  Whether or not dogs
containing that insipid element. But he never have souls, is a question in philosophy never yet
dies at all of hydrophobia, there being evidence to  solved; although we have ourselves no doubt on
prove that for twenty years he had drunk nothing  the subject, and firmly believe that they have souls.
but brandy. Suppose we are driven to confess the    But the question, as put by the Doctor, is not
other two-why, one of them was an old woman of about souls, but about lives; and as the human
eighty, who was dying as fast as she could hobble, soul does not die when the human body does, the
at the very time she thought herself bitten —and  death of an old woman, middle-aged man, or young
the other a ninety-year old brat, in hooping cough  child, is no such very great calamity, either to
and measles, who, had there not been such a quad- themselves or to the world. Better, perhaps, that
ruped as a dog created, would have worried itself  all the dogs now alive should be massacred, to preto death before evening, so lamentably had its vent hydrophobia, than that a human soul should
education been neglected, and so dangerous an  be lost;-but not a single human soul is going to
accomplishment is an impish temper. The twelve be lost, although the whole canine species should
cases for the year of that most horrible disease, become insane to-morrow. Now, would the Doctor
hydrophobia, have, we flatter ourselves, been satis- have laid one hand on his heart and the other on his
factorily disposed of-eight of the alleged deceased  Bible, and take a solemn oath that rather than one
being at this moment engaged at various handicrafts old woman of a century and a quarter should sudon low wages indeed, but still such as enable the  denly be cut off by the bite of a mad dog, he would
industrious to live-two having died of drinking-  have signed the warrant of execution of all the
one of extreme old age, and one of a complication  packs of harriers and fox-hounds, all the pointers,
of complaints incident to childhood, their violence  spaniels, setters, and cockers, all the stag-hounds,
having, in this particular instance, been aggravated  greyhounds, and lurchers, all the N-ewfoundlanders,
by neglect and a devilish temper. Where, now, the  shepherd-dogs, mastiffs, bull-dogs, and terriers, the
"multitude" of men, women, and children, who  infinite generation of mongrels and crosses incluhave died in consequence of being bitten by mad  ded, in Great Britain and Ireland-to say nothing
dogs?                                           of the sledge-drawers in Kamschatka, and in the
Gentle reader-a mad dog is a bugbear; we realms slow-moving near the Pole?  To clench the




658                                   DR. KITCHINER.
argument at once-What are all the old women in  you with curses, the ruffians, whose accent betrays
Europe, one-half of the men, and one-third of the  them to be Irishmen, inflict upon you divers wanchildren, when compared, in value, with any one of ton wounds with a blunt instrument, probably a
Chisitopher North's Newfoundland  dogs-Fro-   crow-bar-swearing by Satan and all his saints,
Bronte-or O'Bronte?  Finally, does he include in  that if you stir an inch of your body before dayhis sweeping condemnation the whole brute crea- break, they will instantly return, cut your throat,
tion, lions, tigers, panthers, ounces, elephants, knock out your brains, sack you, and carry you off
rhinoceroses, hippopotami, camelopardales, zebras, for sale to a surgeon. Therefore you must use
quaggas, cattle, horses, asses, mules, cats, the  pocket door-bolts, which are applicable to almost
ichneumon, cranes, storks, cocks-of-the-wood, geese, all sorts of doors, and on many occasions save the
and how-towdies?                               property and life of the traveller.  The corkscrew
" Semi-drowning  in the sea"-he continues-  door-fastening the Doctor recommends as the sim"and all the pretended specifics, are mere delu- plest. This is screwed in between the door and
sions-there is no real remedy but cutting the part the door-post, and unites them so firmly, that great
out immediately. If the bite be near a bloodvessel, power is required to force a door so fastened. They
that cannot always be done, nor when done, how- are as portable as common corkscrews, and their
ever well done, will it always prevent the miserable  weight does not exceed an ounce and a half. The
victim from  dying the most dreadful of deaths. safety of your bed-room should always be carefully
Well might St. Paul tell us' beware of dogs.' First examined; and in case of bolts not being at hand,
Epistle to Philippians, chap. iii. v. 2."       it will be useful to hinder entrance into the room
Semi-drowning in the sea is, we grant, a bad  by putting a table and a chair upon it against the
specific, and difficult to be administered. It is not door. Take a peep below the bed, and into the
possible to tell a priori, how much drowning any  closets, and every place where concealment is posparticular patient can bear. What is mere semi- sible-of course, although the Doctor forgets to
drowning to James, is total drowning to John:-  suggest it, into the chimney. A friend of the DocTom is easy of resuscitation-Bob will not stir a tor's used to place a bureau against the door, and
muscle for all the Humane Societies in the United  "thereon he set a basin and ewer in such a posiKingdoms. To cut a pound of flesh from the rump  tion as easily to rattle, so that on being shook, they
of a fat dowager, who turns sixteen stone, is with- instantly bacame molto agitato."  Upon one alarmin the practical skill of the veriest bungler in the  ing occasion this device frightened away one of the
anatomy of the human frame-to scarify the flesh- chambermaids, or some other Paulina Pry, who atless spindle-shank of an antiquated spinstress, who  tempted to steal on the virgin sleep of the travelling
lives on a small annuity, might be beyond the scal- Joseph, who all the time was hiding his head bepel of an Abernethy or a Liston. A large blood- neath the bolster. Joseph, however, believed it
vessel, as the Doctor well remarks, is an awkward  was a horrible midnight assassin, with mustaches
neighbor to the wound made by the bite of a mad  and a dagger.  "The chattering of the crockery
dog, " when a new excision has to be attempted" — gave the alarm, and the attempt, after many atbut will any Doctor living inform us how, in a thou- tempts, was abandoned."
sand other cases besides hydrophobia, " the misera-   With all these fearfill apprehensions in his mind,
ble victim may always be prevented from dying?"  Dr. Kitchiner must have been a man of great
There are, probably, more dogs in Britain than  natural personal courage and intrepidity, to have
horses; yet a hundred men, women, and children  slept even once in his whole lifetime from home.
are killed by kicks of sane horses, for one by bites What danger must we have passed, who used to
of insane dogs. Is the British army, therefore, to  plump in, without a thought of damp in the bed, or
be deprived of its left arm, the cavalry?  Is there  scamp below it-closet and chimney uninspected,
to be no flying artillery? What is to become of  door unbolted and unscrewed, exposed to rape,
the horse-marines?                              robbery, and murder!  It is mortifying to think
that we should be alive at this day. Nobody, male
I or female, thought it worth their while to rob, ravTHE Doctor, 6f course, is one of those travellers  ish, or murder us! There we lay, forgotten by the
who believe, that unless they use the most inge- whole world-till the crowing of cocks, or the ring.
nious precautions, they will be uniformly robbed  ing of bells, or blundering Boots insisting on it that
and murdered in inns. The villains steal upon you  we were a Manchester Bagman, who had taken an
during the midnight hour, when all the world is inside in the Heavy at five, broke our repose, and
asleep. They leave their shoes down stairs, and  Sol, laughing inat the unshuttered and uncurtained
leopard-like, ascend with velvet, or —what is al- window, showed us the floor of our dormitory, not
most as noiseless-worsted steps, the wooden stairs. streaming with a gore of blood. We really know
True, that your breeches are beneath your bolster not whether to be most proud of having been the
-but that trick of travellers has long been "as  favorite child of Fortune, or the neglected brat of
notorious as the sun at noonday;" and although  Fate. One only precaution did we ever use to take
you are aware of your breeches, with all the ready  against assassination, and all the other ills that flesh
money perhaps that you are worth in this world, is heir to, sleep where one may, and that was to
eloping from  beneath your parental eye, you in  say inwardly a short fervent prayer, humbly thankvain try to cry out —for a long, broad, iron hand, ing our Maker for all the happiness-let us trust it
with ever so many iron fingers, is on your mouth; was innocent-of the day; and humbly imploring
another, with still more numerous digits, compress- his blessing on all the hopes of to-morrow. For, at
es your windpipe, while a low hoarse voice, in a the time we speak of we were young-and every
whisper to which Sarah Siddons's was empty air, on  morning, whatever the atmosphere might be, rose
pain of instant death enforces silence from a man  bright and beautiful with hopes that, far as the eyes
unable for his life to utter a single word; and after of the soul could reach, glittered on. earth's, and
pulling off all the bed-clothes, and then clothing  heaven's, and life's horizon!




DR. RITCHINER.                                      659
But suppose that after all this trouble to get him- the Principia. Let the man, quoth he, " who comes
self bolted and screwed into a parad.siacal taber- home fatigued by bodily exertion, especially if he
nacle of a dormitory, there had suddenly rung  feels heated by it, throw his legs upon a chair, and
through the house the cry of FIRE-FIR: —FIRE! remain quiet, tranquil and composed,' that the
how was Dr. Kitchiner to get out? Tables, bureaus, energy which has been dispersed to the extremities
benches, chairs, blocked up -he only door-all laden  may have time to return to the stomach, when it
withwash-hand basins and other utensils, the whole  is required."  To all this we say-Fudge!  The
crockery, shepherdesses of';he chimney-piece, dou- sooner you get hold of a leg of roasted mutton the
ble-barrelled pistols with spring bayonets ready to  better; but meanwhile, oft' rapidly with a pot of
shoot and stab, without distinction of persons, as porter-then leisurely on with a clean shirt-wash
their proprietor was madly seeking to escape the  your face and hands in gelid-none of your tepid
roaring flames!  Both windows are iron-bound, water-There is no harm done if you should shave
with all their shutters, and over and above tightly  -then keep walking up and down the parlor rather
fastened with " the corkscrew-fastening, the simplest impatiently, for such conduct is natural, and in all
we have'seen."  The wind-board is in like man- things act agreeably to nature-stir up the waiter
ner, and  by the same  unhappy  contrivance, with some original jest by way of stimulant, and to
firmly jammed into the jaws of the chimney, so  give the knave's face a well-pleased stare —and
egress to the Doctor up the vent is wholly denied  never doubting "that the energy which has been
-no fire-engine in the town-but one under repair. dispersed to the extremities" has had ample time
There has not been a drop of rain for a month, and  to return to the stomach, in God's name fall to!
the river is not only distant but dry. The element and take care that the second course shall not apis growling along the galleries like a lion, and the  pear till there is no vestige left of the first-a
room is filling with something more deadly than  second course being looked upon by the judicious
back-smoke.  A shrill voice is heard crying-   moralist and pedestrian very much in the light in
" Number five will be burned alive! Number five which the poet has made a celebrated character
will be burned alive! Is there no possibility of consider itsaving the life of Number five?"  The Doctor falls
down before the barricade, and is stretched all his    Nor fame I slight-dnor for her fvors call;
hapless length fainting on the floor. At last the
door is burst open, and landlord, landlady, chamber-   To prove how astonishingly our strength may be
maid, and boots-each in a different key-from  diminished by indolence, the Doctor tells us, that
manly bass to childish treble, demand of Number meeting a gentleman who had lately returned from
five if he be a murderer or a madman-for, gentle  India, to his inquiry after his health he replied,
reader, it has been a — Dream.                  "Why, better-better, thank ye-I think I begin
*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *        to feel some symptoms of the return of a little
Thus he says that no person should sit down to a English energy. Do you know that the day before
hearty meal immediately after any great exertion, yesterday I was in such high spirits, and felt so
either of mind or body-that is, one might say, strong, I actually put on one of my stockings myafter a few miles of Plinlimnon or a few pages of self?"
Here lies interr'd a man of micht,            He'll lost his life one market nicht,
His name is Malcolm Downie,                   In fa'ing aft his pounie.    Aged 37 years.




660                      EXTRACTS FROM's TOMI  CRINGLE S LOG."
EXTRACTS  FROM  "TOM  CRINGLE'S  LOG."                                           4Ir
BY MICHAEL SCOTT.                                          N1
ONE of our crew undertook to be the guide to the
agent's house. We arrived before it.  It was a large,  i1
mansion, and we could see lights glimmering in the
ground-floor;  but  it  was  gaily   lit up  aloft.    The   house  ij i /I'Illl  i'~"'":.. "7:! i
itself stood back about twenty feet from the street, from                       --
which it was separated by an iron railing.                  I'~,I\J 
We knocked at the outer gate, but no one answered.                   ill 
At length our black guide found out a bell pull, and    I        l1
presently the clang of a bell resounded throughout the       i  
mansion. Still no one answered. I pushed against the
door, and found it was open, and Mr. Treenail and my-                   I
self immediately ascended a flight of six marble steps,
and stood in the lower piazza, with the hall, or lower
vestibule, before us. We entered. A very well-dressed      [Ilii iil\             l
brown woman, who was sitting at her work at a small              if
table, being with two young girls of the same complexion,  i  
instantly rose to receive us.                           Il
"Beg pardon," said Mr. Treenail, "pray, is this Mr.
-'s house?"' Yes, sir, it is."
"Will you have the goodness to say if he be at home?"   ii l
"Oh yes, sir, he is dere upon dinner wid company," 
said the lady.
" Well," continued the lieutenant, "say to him that an
officer of his majesty's sloop Torch is below, with dispatches for the admiral."
" Surely, sir,-surely," the dark lady continued; " Fol-    r altil 
low me, sir; and dat small gentleman, -[Thomas Cringle, Esquire, no less!]-him will better follow me too."
We left the room, and, turning to the right, landed in......
the lower piazza of the house, fronting the north. A           I i
large clumsy stair occupied the easternmost end, with a         ii':~1tli"liiiii"'I;i'"'
massive mahogany balustrade, but the whole affair below
was very ill lighted. The brown lady preceded us; and,               _2i.)Ilt.
planting herself at the bottom of the staircase, began to'ill!'lill';illl/llll;iilii:li
shout to some one above-....
"'Toby! Toby! buccra gentlemen arrive, Toby."  Butl.ii;
no Toby responded to the call.
"My dear madam," said Treenail, "I have little time'                              liii
for ceremony. Pray usher us up into Mr.-'s pres    
encre."                    t        s' Den follow me, gentlemen, please."
Forthwith we all ascended the dark staircase until we
"II f
15 ~~~~~~~  M&~tiii
(U



EXTRACTS FROM  9~ TOM  CRINGLE'S LOG."                           661
reached the first landing-place, when we heard a hoisted on the signal-mast a large tablecloth, not
noise as of two negroes wrangling on the steps altogether immaculate, and under it a towel, as I
above us.                                      guessed, for it was too opaque for bunting, and too
"You rascal!" sang out one, "take dat; larn  white, although I could not affirm that it was fresh
you for to teal my wittal!" —then a sharp crack, out of the fold either.
as if it had smote the culprit across the pate; where-   "I am puzzled," said I, as I spied away again.
upon, like a shot, a black fellow, in a handsome  Meanwhile, there was no acknowledgment made at
livery, trundled down, pursued by another servant our semaphore-" There, down they go," I conwith a large silver ladle in his hand, with which he tinued-" Why, it must be a mistake-Stop, here's
was belaboring the fugitive over his flint-hard skull, a new batch going up above the green trees-There
right against our hostess, with the drumstick of a goes the tablecloth once more, and the towel, and
turkey in his hand, or rather in his mouth.     -deuce take me, if I can compare the lower"Top, you tief!-Top, you tief! —for me piece most to any thing but a dishclout-why, it must be
dat," shouted the pursuer.                      a dishclout."
"You dam rascal!" quoth the dame.:But she    The flags, or substitutes for them, streamed anhad no time to utter another word, before the fugi- other minute in the breeze, but as there was still
tive pitched, with all his weight, right against her; no answer made from our end of the string, they
and at the very moment another servant came were once more hauled down. We waited another
trundling down with a large tray-full of all kinds of minute —"Why, here goes the same signal up
meats-and I especially remember that two large  again, tablecloth, towel, dishclout, and all-What
crystal stands of jellies composed part of his load- the diable have we got here? A red ball, two penso there we were regularly capsized, and caught all nants under —What can that mean?  Ball-it is
of a heap in the dark landing-place, half way up  the bonnet-rouge, or I am a Dutchman, with two
the stairs; and down the other flight tumbled our short streamers "-Another look —"A red nightguide; with Mr. Treenail and myself, and the two  cap and a pair of stockings, by all that is portentblackies, on the top of her, rolling in the descent ous!" exclaimed I.
over, or rather into, another large mahogany tray
which had just been carried out, with a tureen of
turtle soup in it, and a dish of roast-beef, and platefulls of land-crabs, and the Lord knows what all besides.
The crash reached the ear of the landlord, who
was seated at the head of his table in the upper  -
piazza, a long gallery about fifty feet long by fourteen wide, and he immediately rose and ordered his
butler to take a light. When he came down to
ascertain the cause of the uproar, I shall never forget the scene.
There was, first of all, mine host, a remarkably
neat personage, standing on the polished mahogany
stair, three steps above his servant, who was a very  i
well-dressed respectable elderly negro, with a candle in each hand; and beneath him, on the landingplace, lay two trays of viands, broken tureens of
soup, fragments of dishes, and fractured glasses,
and a chaos of eatables and drinkables, and table
gear scattered all about, amidst which lay scram-    ~                                 _
bling my lieutenant and myself, the brown housekeeper, and the two negro servants, all more or               -___
less covered with gravy and wine dregs.
Speaking of telegraphing, I will relate an anecdote here, if you will wait until I mend my pen. I
had landed at Greenwich wharf on duty-this was                 _       __ _the nearest point of communication between Port
Royal and the admiral's pen-where, finding the    "Ah, I see, I see!" said the lieutenant, laughing
flag-lieutenant, he drove me up in his ketureen to  -" signal-man, acknowledge it."
lunch. While we were regaling ourselves, the old   It was done, and down came the flags in a trice.
signal-man came into the piazza, and with several It appeared, on inquiry, that the washing cart,
most remarkable obeisances, gave us to know that which ought to have been sent up that morning,
there were flags hoisted on the signal mast, at the  had been forgotten; and the admiral and his
mountain settlement,of which he could make nothing  secretary having ridden out, there was no one who
-the uppermost was neither the interrogative, the  could make the proper signal for it. So, the old
affirmative, nor the negative, nor in fact, any thing  housekeeper took this singular method of having
that with the book he could make sense of.      the cart dispatched, and it was sent off accordingly.
"Odd enough," said the lieutenant; "hand me                     *       *      * 
the glass," and he peered away for half a minute.   At six o'clock we drove to Mr. Pepperpot Wag" Confound me, if I can make heads or tails of it tail's. The party was a bachelor's one, and, when
either; there, Cringle, what do you think?  How  we walked up the front steps there was our host in
do you construe it?"                           person, standing to receive us at the door; while,
I took the telescope.  Uppermost there was on each side of him, there were five or six ot his
43




662                     EXTRACTS FROM  "TOM  CRINGLE S LOG.,
visitors, all sitting with their legs cocked up, their don't let go-they cling like sucker fish, and talk
feet resting on a sort of surbase, above which the  and wallop about, and throw themselves back and
jalousies, or movable blinds of the piazza were fixed. laugh, and then another jiggery jiggery.
I was introduced to the whole party seriatim-   On horseback, this custom is conspicuously ridiand as each of the cock-legs dropped his trams, he culous-I have nearly gone into fits at beholding two
started up, caught hold of my hand, and wrung it men careering along the road at a handgallopas if I had been his dearest and oldest friend.  each on a goodish horse, with his negro boy astern of
Were I to designate Jamaica as a community, I him on a mule, in clean frock and trousers, and smart
would call it a hand-shaking people. I have often  glazed hat with broad gold band, with massa's umlaughed heartily upon seeing two cronies meeting  brella in a leathern case slung across his shoulders,
in the streets of Kingston, after a temporary sepa- and his portmanteau behind him on a mail pillion
ration; when about pistol-shot asunder, both would  covered with snow-white sheep's fleece —suddenly
begin to tug and rug at the right hand glove, but it they would pull up on recognizing each other, when
is frequently a mighty serious affair in that hissing  tucking their whips under their arms, or crossing
hot climate to get the gauntlet off; they approach, them in their teeth, it may be-they would com-one, a short urbane little man, who would not mence the rugging and riving operation. In this
disgrace St. James's street, being more kiln-dried  case-Shingle's bit of blood swerves, we may asand less moist in his corporeals than his country  sume-Ratoon rides at him-Shingle fairly turns
friend, has contrived to extract his paw, and holds tail, and starts out at full speed, Ratoon thundering
it out in act to shake:                        in his rear with stretched-out arm; and it does
"Ah! how do you do, Ratoon?" quoth the  happen, I am assured, that the hot pursuit oftenKingston man.                                   times continues for a mile, before the desired clap" Quite well, Shingles," rejoins the gloved, a stout perclaw is obtained. But when two lusty planters
red-faced sudoriferous yam-fed planter, dressed in  meet on horseback, then indeed, Greek meets
blue-white jean trousers and waistcoat, with long  Greek. They begin the interview by shouting to
Hessian boots drawn up to his knee over the former, each other, while fifty yards off, pulling away at
and a span-new  square-skirted blue coatee, with  the gloves all the while-" How are you, Canetop?
lots of clear brass buttons; a broad-brimmed black  -glad to see you, Canetop. How do you do, 1
silk hat, worn white at the edge of the crown-  hope?"  "How are you, Yamfu, my dear fellow?"
wearing a very small neckcloth, above which shoots their horses fretting and jumping all the time-and
up an enormous shirt collar, the peaks of which  if the Jack Spaniards or gadflies be rife, they have,
might serve for winkers to a starting horse, and  even when denuded for the shake, to spur each
other, more like a Knight Templar and a Saracen
charging in mortal combat, than two men merely
struggling to be civil; and after all they have often
to get their black servants alongside to hold their
horses, for shake they must, were they to break', 1        1 12 2 _their necks in the attempt. Why they won't shake
hands with their gloves on, I am sure I can't tell.
It would be much cooler and nicer-lots of Scotchmen in the community, too.
This hand-shaking, however, was followed by an
invitation to dinner from  each individual in the
company. I looked at Captain Transom, as much
as to say, "' Can they mean us to take them at their
word?"  He nodded.
"We are sorry, that being under orders to go to
sea on Sunday morning, neither Mr. Cringle nor
myself can have the pleasure of accepting such kind
invitations."
" Well, when you come back you know-one day
you must give me."
"And I won't be denied," quoth a second.
"Liberty Hall, you know, so to me you must
come, no ceremony," said a third-and so on.
At length, no less a man drove up to the door
than Judge -.  When he drew up, his servant
who was sitting behind on a small projection of the
ketureen, came round and took a parcel out of the
gig, closely wrapped in a blanket-" Bring that
carefully in, Leonidas," said the judge, who now
carrying a large whip in his hand-" Quite well, stumped up stairs with a small saw in his hand.
my dear fellow," while he persists in dragging at it He received the parcel, and, laying it down care-the other homo all the while standing in the ab- fully in a corner, he placed the saw on it, and then
surd position of a finger post-at length off comes came up and shook hands with Wagtail, and made
the glove —piecemeal, perhaps-a finger first, for his bow very gracefully.
instance-then a thumb-at length, they tackle to,   " What-can't you do without your ice and sour
and shake each other like the very devil-not a claret yet?" said Wagtail.
sober pump-handle shake, but a regular jiggery    "Never mind, never mind," said the Judge; and
jiggery, as if they were trying to dislocate each  here dinner being announced, we all adjourned to
other's arms-and, confound them, even then they  the dining-room, where a very splendid entertain



EXTRACTS FROM  i TOM  CRINGLE'S LOG."                             663
ment was set out, to which we sat to, and in the    "Thank you, Tom," said Fyall; "I owe you a
end, as it will appear, we did the utmost justice to it. good turn for that, my boy."
The wines were most exquisite.  Madeira, for    "Fyall's story-Mr. Fyall's story!" resounded on
instance, never can be drank in perfection any  all hands. Fyall, glad to escape the song and wet
where out of the tropics.-You may have the wine  night-cap, instantly began.
as good at home, although I doubt it, but then you    "Why, my friends, you all know Isaac Grimm,
have not the climate to drink it in-I would say  the Jew snuff merchant and cigar maker, in Harthe same of most of the delicate French wines-   bour street.  Well, Isaac had a brother, Ezekiel
that is, those that will stand the voyage-Burgundy  by name, who carried on business in Curagoa; you
of course not included; but never mind, let us get may have heard of him too. Ezekiel was often
along.                                           down here for the purpose of laying in provisions,
All the decanters were covered with cotton bags, and purchasing drygoods. You all know that?"
kept wet with saltpetre and water, so that the    "Certainly!" shouted both Captain Transom and
evaporation carried on powerfully by the stream of myself in a breath, although we had never heard of
air that flowed across the room, through the open  him before.
doors and windows, made the fluids quite as cool   "Hah, I knew it! Well then, Ezekiel was very
as was desirable to worthies sitting luxuriating with  rich; he came down in August last, in the Pickle
the thermometer at 80 or thereby; yet, from the free  schooner, and, as back luck would have it, he fell
current, I was in no way made aware of this degree  sick of the fever.'Isaac,' quoth Ezekiel,'I am
of heat by any oppressive sensation; and I found  wery sheek; I tink I shall tie!'' Hope note, dear
in the West Indies as well as in the East, although  proder; you hab no vive nor shildir; pity you should
the wind in the latter is more dry and parching, tie, Ezekiel.  Ave you make your vil, Ezekiel?'
that a current of heated air, if it be moderately'Yesh; de vill is make. I leavish every ting to
dry, even with the thermometer at 95 in the shade, you, Isaac, on von condition, dat you send my pody
is really not so enervating or oppressive as I have  to be pury in Cura~oa. I love dat place; twenty
found it in the stagnating atmosphere on the sunny  years since I left de Minories; all dat time I cheat
side of Pall Mall, with the mercury barely at 75. dere, and tell lie dere, and lif dere happily. Oh,
A cargo of ice had a little before this arrived at you most send my pody for its puryment to CuKingston, and at first all the inhabitants who could  ra~oa!''I will do dat, mine proder.'' Den I deafford it, iced every thing, wine, water, cold meats, part in peace, dear Isaac;' and the Israelite was as
fruits, and the Lord knows what all; tea, I believe, good as his word for once. He did die. Isaac, acamong other things, (by the way, I have tried this, cording to his promise, applied to the captains of
and it is a luxury of its kind;) but the regular old  several schooners; none of them  would take the
stagers, who knew what was what, and had a regard  dead body.' What shall I do?' thought Isaac,' de
for their interiors, soon began to eschew the ice in  monish mosh not be loss.' So he straightway had
every way, saving and excepting to cool the water Ezekiel (for even a Jew won't keep long in that
they washed their thin faces and hands in; so we climate) cut up and packed with pickle into two
had no ice, nor did we miss it; but the Judge had  barrels, marked,'Prime Mess Pork, Leicester,
a plateful of chips on the table before him, one of  M'Call and Co., Cork.' He then shipped the same
which he every now and then popped into his long  in the Fan-Fan, taking bills of lading in accordthin bell-glass of claret, diluting it, I should have  ance with the brand, deliverable to Mordecai Levi,
thought, in rather a heathenish manner; but n'im- of Curagoa, to whom he sent the requisite instrucporte, he worked away, sawing off pieces now and  tions. The vessel sailed-off St. Domingo she carthen from the large lump in the blanket, (to save  ried away a mast-tried to fetch Carthagena under
the tear and wear attending a fracture,) which was a jury-spar-fell to leeward, and finally brought up
handed him  by his servant, so that by eleven  at Honduras.
o'clock at night, allowing for the water, he must   " Three months after, Isaac encountered the mashave concealed his three bottles of pure claret, be- ter of the schooner in the streets of Kingston.
sides garnishing with a lot of white wines. In fine, " Ah, mine goot captain-how is you? you lookish
we all carried on astonishingly, some good singing  tin-ave you been sheek?''No, Moses-I am well
was given, a practical joke was tried on now and  enough, thank you-poor a bit, but sound in health,
then, by Fyall, and we continued mighty happy. thank God. You have heard of my having carried
As to the singing part of it,-the landlord, with a away the mainmast, and, after kicking about fifteen
bad voice, and worse ear, opened the rorytory, by  days on short allowance, having been obliged to
volunteering a very extraordinary squeak; fortu- bear up for Honduras?''I know noting of all dat,'
nately it was not very long, but it gave him a plea  said Isaac;' sorry for it, captain-very sad, inteed.'
to screw a song out of his right-hand neighbor,'Sad —you may say that, Moses. But I am honest
who in turn acquired the same right of compelling  although poor, and here is your bill of lading for
the person next to him to make a fool of himself; your two barrels of provisions; "Primle mess," it
at last, it came to Transom, who, by-the-by, sung  says; d    d tough, say I —Howsomdever,' pulling
exceedingly well, but he had more wine than usual, out his purse,'the present value on Bogle, Jopp
and essayed to coquet a bit.                    and Co.'s wharf, is ~5 6s. 8d. the barrel; so there
"Bring the wet night-cap!" quoth our host.   are two doubloons, Moses, and now discharge the
"Oh, is it that you are at?" said Transom, and  account on the back of the bill of lading, will you?'
he sung as required; but it was all pearls before'Vy should I take payment, captain? if de (pork
swine, I fear.                                  stuck in his throat like' amen' in Macbeth's,)' if
At last, we stuck fast at Fyall. Music! there was de barrel ish lost, it can't be help-de act of God,
not one particle in his whole composition; so the  you know.''I am an honest man, Isaac,' continwet nightcap already impended over him, when I ued the captain,'although a poor one, and I must
sung out, " Let him tell a story, Mr. Wagtail! Let tell the truth-we carried on with our own as long
him tell a story!"                             as it lasted, at length we- had to break bulk, and




664                     EXTRACTS FROM  " TOM  CRINGLE'S LOG. I
your two barrels being nearest the hatchway, why  although the object of the party was to convoy
we ate them first, that's all. Lord, what has come  Captain Transom and myself to our boat at the Ordover you?' Isaac grew pale as a corpse.'Oh, nance Wharf, it struck me that we were as fremine Got-mine poor proder, dat you ever was live quently on a totally different tack.
to tie in Jamaic-Oh tear, oh tear!'"              "I say, Cringle, my boy," stuttered out my su"Did they eat the head and hands, and -_ "    perior, lieutenant and captain being both drowned
"Hold your tongue, Tom Cringle, don't interrupt in and equalized by the claret-" why, Tom, Tom
me, you did not eat them; I tell it as it was told to  Cringle, you dog-don't you hear your superior
me. So Isaac Grimm," continued Fyall, " was fairly  officer speak, sir, eh?"
overcome; the kindly feelings of his nature were    My superior officer, during this address, was
at length stirred up, and as he turned away, he  standing with both arms round a pillar of the
wept-blew his nose hard, like a Chaldean trumpet piazza.
in the new moon; and while the large tears coursed    "I am here, sir," said I.
each other down his care-worn cheeks, he exclaimed,    "Ah, I see," said Transom; "let us heave ahead,
wringing the captain's hand, in a voice tremulous Tom-now do ye hear?-stand you with your white
and scarcely audible from extreme emotion,'Oh, trousers against the next pillar."  The ranges supIsaac Grimm, Isaac Grimm, tid not your heart mish- porting the piazza were at distances of about twengive you, ven you vas commit te great blasphemy  ty feet from each other.  "Ah, stand there nowof invoish Ezekiel, flesh of your flesh, pone of your I see it." So he weighed from the one he had
pone-as por-de onclean peast, I mean. If you tackled to, and making a staggering bolt of it, he
had put invoish him as peef, surely te earthly taber- ran up to the pillar against which I stood, whose
nacle of him, as always sheet in de high places in  position was marked by my white vestments, where
te sinacogue, would never have peen allow to pass he again hooked on for a second or two, until I had
troo te powels of te pershicuting Nazareen. Ah, taken up a new position.
mine goot captain, mine very tear friend, vat, vat,   "There, my boy, that's the way to lay out a warp
vat av you done wid de cask, captain?'"        -right in the wind's eye, Tom-we shall fairly beat
" Oh, most lame and impotent conclusion," sung  those lubbers who are tacking in the stream; noout the judge, who by this time had become deus- thing like warping in the dead water near the shore
qdly prosy; and all hands arose, as if by common  -mark that down, Tom-never beat in a tide-way
consent, and agreed that we had got enough.     when you can warp up along shore in the dead
So off we started in groups. Fyall, CaptainTran- water.  D-  n the judge's ice"-(hiccup)-" he
som, Whiffle, Aaron Bang, and myself, sallied forth  has poisoned me with that piece he plopped in my
in a bunch, pretty well inclined for a lark, you may  last whitewash of madeira. He a judge! He may
guess. There are no lamps in the streets in Kings- be a good crim-criminal judge, but no judge of
ton, and as all the decent part of the community are  wine. Why don't you laugh, Tom, eh?-and then
in their cavies by half-past nine in the evening, and  his saw-the rasp of a saw I hate-wish it, and a
as it is now "the witching time o' night," there  whole nest more, had been in his legal stomach —
was not a soul in the streets that we saw, except full of old saws-Shakspere —he, he-why don't
when we passed a solitary townguard, lurking about you laugh, Tom? Poisoned by the judge, by Jusome dark corner under the piazzas. These same piter. Now, here we are fairly abreast of them —
streets, which were wide and comfortable enough  Hillo! Fyall, what are you after?"
in the daytime, had become unaccountably narrow
and intricate since six o'clock in the evening, and,                
iI~i1TJU~iLLVi~i   iU~Th~iU11U~T




EXTRACTS FROM  "'TOM  CRINGLE S LOG."                            665
The next morning had been fixed for duck-shooting, of the rising moon," (" Oh, confound your poetry,"
and the overseer and I were creeping along among  said Rubiochico,) "which was fast swamping the
the mangrove bushes on the shore, to get a shot at sparkling stars, like a bright river flowing over
some teal, when we saw our friend the pair of com- diamonds, when the old gander again set up his
passes crossing the small bay in his boat, towards gabblement, and trumpeted more loudly than behis little pilot-boat-built schooner, which was moor- fore.'If you were not so tough, my noisy old
ed in a small creek opposite, the bushwood conceal- cock'- thought I-' next Michaelmas should be
ing every thing but her masts. My companion, as your last.' So I now resolutely shut my eyes, and
wild an Irishman as I ever knew, hailed him,-   tried to sleep perforce, in which usually fruitless
"Hillo, Obadia-Buckskin-you Yankee rascal, attempt, I was actually beginning to succeed, do you
heave-to. Come ashore here-come ashore."        know, when a strong odor of palm oil came through
Obed, smoking his pipe, deliberately uncoiled  the window, and on opening my eyes, I saw by the
himself-I thought, as he rose, there was to be no  increasing light a naked negro standing at it, with
end of him-and stood upright in the boat, like an  his head and shoulders in sharp relief against the
ill-rigged jury-mast.                           pale broad disc of the moon, at that moment just
"I say, Master Tummas, you ben't no friend of peering over the dark summit of the Long Mourimine, I guess, a'ter last night's work; you hears tain.
how I coughs?"-and he began to wheezle and crow    "I rubbed my eyes, and looked again; the dirk
in a most remarkable fashion.                  figure was still there, but as if aware that some one
"Never mind," rejoined the overseer; "if you was on the watch, it gradually sank down, until
go round that point, and put up the ducks-by the  nothing but the round bullet head appeared above
piper, but I'll fire at you!"                  the window  sill. The stratagem succeeded; the
Obed neighed like a horse expecting his oats, figure, deceived by my feigned snoring and quietwhich was meant as a laugh of derision.  " Do you  ude, slowly rose, and once more stood erect. Prethink your birding-piece can touch me here away, sently, it slipped one foot into the room, and then
Master Tummas?"  And again he nichered more another, but so noiselessly that when I saw the
loudly than before.                             black figure standing before me on the floor, I had
"Don't provoke me to try, you yellow snake, you!" some misgivings as to its being really a being of
" Try, and be d    d, and there's a mark for | this world. However, I had small space for specuthee,' unveiling a certain part of his body, not his lation, when it slid past the foot of the bed towvards
face.                                           my open bureau-I seized the opportunity-started
The overseer, or busha, to give him his Jamaica  up-turned the key of the door-and planted myname, looked at me and smiled, then coolly lifted  self right between the thief and the open window.
his long Spanish barrel, and fired. Down dropped'Now, you scoundrel, surrender, or I will murder
the smuggler, and ashore came the boat.         you on the spot.' I had scarcely spoken the word,
" I am mortally wounded, Master Tummas," quoth  when with the speed of light, the fellow threw himObed; and I was confoundly frightened at first, self on me-we closed-I fell-when, clip, he slipfrom the unusual proximity of the injured part to  ped through my fingers like an eel-bolted through
his head; but the overseer, as soon as he could get the window-cleared the balcony at a bound, and
off the ground, where he had thrown himself in an  disappeared. The thief had stripped himself as
uncontrollable fit of laughter, had the man stripped  naked as when he was born, and soaped his woolly
and laid across a log, where he set his servant to  skull, and smeared his whole corpus with palm oil,
pick out the pellets with a penknife.           so that in the struggle I was charmingly lubriA SLIPPERY  YOUTH.                 cated."
Nicodemus here lay back on his chair, evidently
"Old Gelid, Longtram, Steady, and myself had  desirous of our considering this the whole of the
been eating ratoons, at the fortner's domicil, and it story, but he was not to be let off so easily, for
was about nine in the evening when I got home. presently Longtram, with a wicked twinkle of his
We had taken next to no wine, a pint of Madeira  eye, chimed ina-piece, during dinner, and six bottles of claret be-   "Ay, and'hat happened next, old Nic-did
tween us afterwards, so I went to bed as cool as a nothing follow, eh?"
cucumber, and slept soundly for several hours, until   Nic's countenance assumed an irresolute expresawakened by my old gander-now  do be quiet, sion; he saw he was jammed up in the wind, so at
Cringle-by my old watchman of a gander, cackling  a venture he determined to sham deafnesslike a hero. I struck my repeater-half past one-  " Take wine, Lucifer-a glass of Hermitage?"
so I turned myself, and was once more falling over    " With great pleasure," said his satanic majesty.
into the arms of Morpheus, when I thought I saw  The propitiatory libation, however, did not work, for
some dark object flit silently across the open window  no sooner had his glass touched the mahogany
that looks into the piazza, between me and the deep  again, than he returned to the charge.
blue as yet moonless sky. This somewhat startled    "Now, Mr. Nicodemus, since you won't, I will
me, but it might have been one of the servants. tell the company the reason of so nice an old genStill I got up and looked out, but I could see no- tleman wearing Baltimore flour in his hair instead
thing. It did certainly strike me once or twice, of perfumed Mareschal po vder, and none of the
that there was some dark object cowering in the  freshest either, let me tell ~ou; why, I have seen
deep gloom caused by the shade of the orange-tree  three weevils take flight ft )m your august pate
at the end of the piazza, but I persuaded myself since we sat down to dinner.'
it was fancy, and once more slipped into my    Old Nic, seeing he was caught, met the attack
nest. However, the circumstance had put sleep to  with the greatest good humor- -
flight. Half an hour might have passed, and the    "Why, I will tell the whole truth, Lucifer, if you
deep dark purity of the eastern sky was rapidly  don't bother."-(" The devil thank you," said Longquickening into a greenish azure, the forerunner tram.)-" So you must know," continued Nicode



666                     EXTRACTS FROM   "TOM  CRINGLE S LOG. X
mus, "that I immediately roused the servants, enough, as Lucifer says, it so happened that from
searched the premises in every direction without the delay in the arrival of the running ships, there
success-nothing could be seen; but at the sugges- was not an ounce of either powder or pomatum to
tion of my valet, I lit a small spirit-lamp, and placed  be had in the whole town, so I have been driven in
it on the table at my bed-side, on which it pleased  my extremity-oh, most horrible declension!-to
him to place my brace of Mantons, loaded with  keep my tail on hog's lard and Baltimore flour
slug, and my naked small-sword, so that, thought I, ever since."
if the thief ventures back, he shall not slip through    "Well, but"-persisted Lucifer-" who the deuse
my fingers again so easily. I do confess that these  was the man in the moon?  Come, tell us. And
imposing preparations did appear to me somewhat what has become of the queue you so tenderly
preposterous, even at the time, as it was not, to  nourished, for you sport a crop, Master Nic, now,
say the least of it, very probable that my slippery  I perceive?"
gentleman would return the same night. However,   Here Nicodemus was neither to hold nor to bind;
my servant in his zeal was not to be denied, and I he was absolutely suffocating with laughter, as he
was not so fit to judge as usual, from having missed shrieked out, with long intervals betweenmy customary quantity of wine after dinner the    "Why, the robber was my own favorite bodyprevious day; so, seeing all right, I turned in, thus servant, Crabclaw, after all, and be damned to him
bristling like a porcupine, and slept soundly until -the identical man who advised the warlike dedaylight, when I bethought me of getting up. I monstrations; and as for the pigtail, why, on the
then rose-slipped on my night-gown-and"-here  very second night of the flour and grease, it was so
Nicodemus laughed more loudly than ever,-" as I cruelly damaged by a rat while I slept, that I had
am a gentleman, my spirit-lamp-naked sword-  to amputate the whole affair, stoop and roop, this
loaded pistols-my diamond breast-pin, and all my very morning."  And so saying, the excellent creaclothes, even unto my unmentionables, had dis- ture fell back in his chair, like to choke from the
appeared; but what was the cruelest cut of all, my uproariousness of his mirth, while the tears streambox of Mareschal powder, my patent puff, and all ed down his cheeks and washed channels in the
my pomade divine, had also vanished; and true floor, as if he had been a tattooed Mandingo..:~%~








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CYCLO PEDIA








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hBP  r;   rb'liii "do,al &
77a                                      ii








CYCLOPiEDIA
OF
WIT AND HUMOR.
ENGLISH.
THE PUGSLEY PAPERS.
BY THOMAS HOOD.
They were not picked from the Dead Letter Office,
"-e-,   ~. id   -! -tjavp. ~-'-'_  nor purloined from the British Museum. In short,
% F 6 Do vAd O o o.  QI cannnot, dare not, will not, hint even at the mode
-v9    9 -                    of their acquisition; the reader must be content to
Loa a                       know, that, in point of authenticity, the Pugsley
Papers are the extreme reverse of Lady L.'s celebrated Autographs, which were all written by the
proprietor.
-   No. I.-From Master RICHARD PUGSLEY to Master
-z............ A_...... ROBERT -ROGERS, at Number 132, Barbican.
DEAR BoB,-Huzza! Here I am in Lincolnshire!
It's good-bye to Wellingtons and Cossacks, Ladies'
double channels, Gentlemen's stout calf, and ditto,
ditto. They've all been sold off under prime cost,
A PASTORALE Im A FLAT.           and the old Shoe Mart is disposed of, goodwill and
fixtures, for ever and ever. Father has been made
How the following correspondence came into my a rich Squire of by will, and we've got a house and
hands must remain a Waverley mystery.  The fields, and trees of our own. Such a garden, Bob!
Pugsley Papers were neither rescued from a garret, It beats White Conduit.
like the Evelyn-collected from cartridges like the   Now, Bob, I'll tell you what I want. I want you
Culloden,-nor saved, like the Garrick, from being to come down here for the holidays.  Don't be
shredded into a snow storm at a Winter Theatre. afraid. Ask your Sister to ask your Mother to ask
They were not snatched from a tailor's shears, like your Father to let you come. It's only ninety mile.
the original parchment of Magna Charta. They were If you're out of pocket money, you can walk, and
neither the Legacy of a Dominie, nor the communi- beg a lift now and then, or swing by the dickeys.
cations of My Landlord,-a consignment, like the Put on corduroys, and don't care for cut behind.
Clinker Letters, from some Rev. Jonathan Dust- The two prentices, George and Will, are here to be
wich, —nor the waifs and strays of a Twopenny made farmers of, and brother Nick is took home
Post Bag. They were not unrolled from ancient from school to help in agriculture. We like farmpapyri. They were none of those that "line trunks, ing very much, it's capital fun. Us four have got a
clothe spices," or paper the walls of old attics. gun, and go out shooting; it's a famous good un,
They were neither given to me nor sold to me,-  and sure to go off if you don't full cock it. Tiger
nor stolen, —nor borrowed and surreptitiously co- is to be our shooting dog as soon as he has left off
pied,-nor left in a hackney coach, like Sheridan's killing the sheep. He's a real savage, and worries
play,-nor misdelivered by a carrier pigeon,-nor cats beautiful.  Before Father comes down, we
dreamt of, like Coleridge's Kubla Khan,-nor turned mean to bait our bull with him.
up in the Tower, like Milton's Foundling MS.,-nor   There's plenty of New Rivers about, and we're
dug up-nor trumped up, like the eastern tales of going a fishing as soon as we have mended our top
Horam Harum  Horam, the son of Asmar, -nor joint. We've killed one of our sheep on the sly
brought over by Rammohun Roy,-nor translated to get gentles. We've a pony, too, to ride upon
by Doctor Bowring from the Scandinavian, Bata- when we can catch him, but he's loose in the padvian, Pomeranian, Spanish, or Danish, or Russian, dock, and has neither mane nor tail to signify to
or Prussian, or any other language dead or living. lay hold of. Isn't it prime, Bob? You must come.




672                               THE PUGSLEY PAPERS.
If your Mother won't give your Father leave to  perfect Vauxhall-exceptingof course the rotunda,
allow you,-run away. Remember, you turn up  the orchestra, the company, the variegated lamps,
Gosnell street to go to Lincolnshire, and ask for the fireworks, and those very lofty trees. But I
Middlefen Hall. There's a pond full of frogs, but trust my dear Jemima will supersede topography
we won't pelt them till you come, but let it be be- by ocular inspection; and in the interim 1 send for
fore Sunday, as there's our own orchard to rob, and  acceptance a graphical view of the locality, shaded
the fruit's to be gathered on Monday.          in Indian ink, which will suffice to convey an idea
If you like sucking raw eggs, we know where the  of the terrestrial verdure and celestial azure we
hens lay, and mother don't; and I'm bound there's enjoy, in lieu of the sable exhalations and archilots of birds' nests. Do come, Bob, and I'll show  tectural nigritude of the metropolis.
you the wasp's nest, and every thing that can make    You who know my pastoral aspirings, and have
you comfortable.  I dare say you could borrow  been the indulgent confidant of my votive tributes
your father's volunteer musket of him without his to the Muses, will conceive the refined nature of
knowing of it; but be sure anyhow to bring the  my enjoyment when I mention the intellectual reramrod, as we have mislaid ours by firing it off. past of this morning. I never could enjoy BloomDon't forget some bird-lime, Bob, and some fish- field in Barbican,-but to-day he read beautifully
hooks-and some different sorts of shot-and some under our pear tree. I look forward to the felicity
gut and some gunpowder-and a gentle-box, and  of reading Thomson's Summer with you on the
some flints,-some May flies-and a powder horn,-  green seat, and if engagements at Christmas perand a landing net and a dog-whistle-and some por-. mit your participation in the bard, there is a bower
cupine quills, and a bullet mould-and a trolling- of evergreens that will be delightful for the perusal
winch, and a shot-bolt and a tin can. You pay for of his Winter.'em Bob, and I'll owe it you.                     I enclose, by request, an epistolary effusion from
Your old friend and schoolfellow,    sister Dorothy, which I know will provoke your
RICHARD PUGSLEY.   risible powers, by the domesticity of its details.
You know she was always in the homely characteristics a perfect Cinderella, though I doubt wheNo. I1.-From the Same to the Same.        ther even supernatural agency could adapt her foot
DEAR BoB,-When you come, bring us a'bacco- to a diminutive vitrified slipper, or her hand for a
pipe to load the gun with. If you don't come, it prince of regal primogeniture. But I am  sumcan come by the waggon. Our Public House is moned to receive, with family members, the felicithree mile off, and when you've walked there it's tations of Lincolnshire aristocracy; though whatout of every thing.      Yours, etc.            ever necessary distinctions may prospectively occur
RICH. PUGSLEY.    between respective grades in life, they will only
superficially affect the sentiments of eternal friendship between my dear Jemima and her affectionate
No. III.-From  Miss ANASTASIA PIGSLEY, to Miss friend,
JEMIMA MOGGRIDGE, at Gregory House Establish-                           ANASTASIA PUGSLEY.
mentfor Young Ladies, Mile End.
MY DEAR JEMIMA,-Deeply solicitous to gratify
sensibility, by sympathising with our fortuitous No. IV.-From Miss DOROTHY PUGSLEY to the Same.
elevation, I seize the epistolatory implements to in-   MY DEAR MISS JEMIMA.-Providence having been
form you, that, by the testamentary disposition of  pleased to remove my domestic duties from Barbia remote branch of consanguinity, our tutelary res- can to Lincolnshire, I trust I shall have strength of
idence is removed from the metropolitan horizon  constitution to fulfil them  as becomes my new alto a pastoral district and its congenial pursuits. In  lotted line of life. As we are not sent into this
futurity I shall be more pertinaciously superstitious world to be idle, and Anastasia has declined housein the astrological revelations of human destiny. wifery, I have undertaken the Diary, and the
You remember the mysterious gipsy at Hornsey  Brewery, and the Baking, and the Poultry, the
Wood?  Well, the eventful fortune she obscurely  Pigs, and the Pastry,-and though I feel fatigued
intimated, though couched in vague terms, has come  at first, use reconciles to labors and trials, more
to pass in minutest particulars; for I perceive per- severe than I at present enjoy. Altho' things may
spicuously, that it predicted that papa should sell not turn out to wish at present, yet all well-directed
off his boot and shoe business at 133, Barbican, to  efforts are sure to meet reward in the end, and
Clack and Son, of 144, Hatton Garden, and that we altho' I have chumped and churned two days runshould retire, in a station of affluence, to Middlefen  ning, and it's nothing yet but curds and whey, I
Hall, in Lincolnshire, by bequest of our great-great should be wrong to despair of eating butter of my
maternal uncle, Pollexfen Goldsworthy Wriggles- own making before I die. Considering the adulworth, Esq., who deceased suddenly of apoplexy at teration committed by every article in London, I
Wisbeach Market, in the ninety-third year of his was never happier in any prospect, than of drinkvenerable and lamented age.                    ing my own milk, fattening my own calves, and layAt the risk of tedium, I will attempt a cursory  ing my own eggs. We cackle so much I am sure
delineation of our rural paradise, altho' I feel it we new-lay somewhere, tho' I cannot find out our
would be morally arduous to give any idea of the  nests; and I am looking every day to have chickens,
romantic scenery of the Lincolnshire Fens. Con- as one pepper-and-salt colored hen has been sitting
ceive, as far as the visual organ expands, an im- these two months. When a poor ignorant bird sets
mense sequestered level, abundantly irrigated with  me such an example of patience, how can I repine
minute rivulets, and studded with tufted oaks, whilst at the hardest domestic drudgery! Mother and I
more than a hundred wind-mills diversify the pros- have worked like horses to be sure ever since we
pect and give a revolving animation to the scene. came to the estate; but if we die in it, we know it's
As for our own- gardens and grounds, they are a for the good of the family, and to agreeably sur



THE PUGSLEY  PAPERS.                                    673
prise my Father, who is still in town winding up
his books. For my own part, if it was right to
look at things so selfishly, I should say I never was'
so happy in my life; though I own I have cried
more since coming here than I ever remember before. You will confess my crosses and losses have
been unusual trials, when I tell you, out of all my makings, and bakings, and brewings, and preservings,. i
there has been nothing either eatable or drinkable;
and what is more painful to an affectionate mind,
have half poisoned the whole family with homemade ketchup of toadstools, by mistake for mush-!  
rooms. When I reflect that they are preserved, I
ought not to grieve about my damsons and bullaces,
done by Mrs. Maria Dover's receipt.
Among other things we came into a beautiful             I
closet of old China, which, I am shocked to say, is
all destroyed by my preserving.  The bullaces and
damsons fomented, and blew up a great jar with a               
violent shock that smashed all the tea and coffee                     _
cups, and left nothing but the handles hanging in
rows on the tenter-hooks. But to a resigned spirit
there's always some comfort in calamities, and if   21iia
the preserves work and foment so, there's some
hope that my beer will, as it has been a month next
Monday in the mash tub. As for the loss of the'=
elder wine, candor compels me to say it was my
own fault for letting the poor blind animals crawl           VERY FOND OF GARDENING.
into the copper; but experience dictates next year
not to boil the berries and kittens at the same time. fresh straw, and a hundred similar things that.I mean to attempt cream cheese as soon as we country people are obliged to think of.
can get cream,-but as yet we can't drive the Cows   The children, I am happy to say, are all well,
home to be milked for the Bull-he has twice  baby is a little fractious, we think from Grace sethunted Grace and me into fits, and kept my poor ting him down in the nettles, and he was shortMother a whole morning in the pigstye. As I know  coated last week. Grace is poorly with a cold, and
you like country delicacies, you will receive a pound  Anastasia has got a sore throat, from sitting up
of my fresh butter when it comes, and I mean to  fruitlessly in the orchard to hear the nightingale;
add a cheese as soon as I can get one to stick to- perhaps there may not be any in the Fens. I seem
gether. I shall send also some family pork for to have a trifling ague and rheumatism myself, but
Governess, of our own killing, as we wring a pig's it may be only a stiffness from so much churning,
neck on Saturday. I did hope to give you the un- and the great family wash-up of every thing we had
expected treat of a home-made loaf, but it was directly we came down, for the sake of grass-bleachforgot in the oven from ten to six, and so too black  ing on the lawn. With these exceptions, we are
to offer. However, I hope tosurprise you with one  all in perfect health and happiness, and unite in
by Monday's carrier. Anastasia bids me add she  love, with
will send a nosegay for respected Mrs. Tombleson,      Dear Miss Jemima's affectionate friend,
if the plants don't die off before, which I am sorry                        DOROTHY PUGSLEY.
to say is not improbable.,
It's really shocking to see the failure of her cultivated taste, and one in particular, that must be  No. V.-From  MRS. PUGSLEY to MRS. MUMFORD,
owned a very pretty idea. When we came, there    Bucklersbury.
was a vast number of flower roots, but jumbled    MY DEAR MARTHA,-In my ultimatum I informed
without any regular order, till Anastasia trowelled  of old Wrigglesworth paying his natural debts, and
them all up, and set them in again, in. the quadrille  of the whole Middlefen estate coming from Linfigures. It must have looked sweetly elegant, if it colrishire to Barbican. I charged Mr. P. to send
had agreed with them, but they have all dwindled  bulletings into you with progressive reports, but
and drooped like deep declines and consumptions. between sisters, as I know you are very curious, I
Her dahlias and tulips, too, have turned out no- am going to make myself more particular. I take
thing but onions and kidney potatoes, and her ten  the opportunity of the family being all restive in
week stocks have not come up in twenty. But as bed, and the house all still, to give an account of
Shakspere says, Adversity is a precious toad-that our moving. The things all got here safe, with the
teaches us Patience is a jewel.                 exception of the Crockery and Glass, which came
-Considering the unsettled state of coming in, I down with the dresser, about an hour after its armust conclude, but could not resist giving your rival. Perhaps if we hadn't overloaded it with the
friendliness a short account of the happy change  whole of our breakables, it wouldn't have given
that has occurred, and our increase of comforts. I way,-as it is, we have only one plate left, and
would write more, but I know you will excuse my  that's chipt, and a mug without a spout to. keep it
listening to the calls of dumb animals. It's the  in countenance. Our furniture, etc., came- by the
time I always scald the little pigs' bread and milk, wagon, and I am sorry to say a poor family at the
and put saucers of clean water for the ducks and  same time, and the little idle boys with their knives
geese. There are the fowls' beds to make with  carved and scarified my rosewood legs, and, what




674                                THE PUGSLEY  PAPERS.
is worse, not of the same patterns; but as people  country when the gipsies have left, but till then, I
say, two Lincolnshire removes are as bad as a fire  confine them  to round the house, as it's no use
of London.                                       shutting the stable door after you've had a child
The first thing I did on coming down, was to see stole. We have a good many fine fields of hay,
to the sweeps going up,-but I wish I had been  which I mean to have reaped directly, wet or shine;
less precipitous, for the sooty wretches stole four for delays are as dangerous as pickles in glazed pans.
good flitches of bacon, as was up the kitchen chim- Perhaps St. Swithen's is in our favor, for if the
ney, quite unbeknown to me. We have filled up  stacks are put up dampish they won't catch fire so'he vacancy with more, which smoke us dreadfully, easily, if Swing should come into these parts. The
but what is to be cured must be endured. My next poor boys have made themselves very industrious
thing was to have all holes and corners cleared out, in shooting off the birds, and hunting away all the
and washed, and scrubbed, being left, like bache- vermin, besides cutting down trees. As I knew it
lor's places, in a sad state by old single W.; for a was profitable to fell timber, I directed them to
rich man, I never saw one that wanted so much  begin with a very ugly straggling old hollow tree
cleaning out. There were heaps of dung about, as next the premises, but it fell the wrong way, and
high as haystacks, and it cost me five shillings a knocked down the cow-house. Luckily the poor
load to have it all carted off the premises; besides animals were all in the clover-field at the time.
heaps of good-for-nothing littering straw, that I George says it wouldn't have happened but for a
gave to the boys for bonfires. We are not all to  violent sow, or rather sow-west,-and it's likely
rights yet, but Rome wasn't built in St. Thomas's enough, but it's an ill wind that blows nothing to
day.                                            nobody.
It was providential I hampered myself with cold    Having writ last post to Mr. P., I have no occaprovisions, for except the bacon there were no eat- sion to make you a country commissioner. Anasables in the house. What old W. lived upon is a tasia, indeed, wants to have books about every
mystery, except salads, for we found a whole field  thing, but for my part and Dorothy's we don't put
of beet-root, which, all but a few plants for Doro- much faith in authorized receipts and directions,
thy to pickle, I had chucked away. As the ground  but trust more to nature and common sense. For
was then clear for sowing up a crop, I directed  instance, in fatting a goose, reason points to sage
George to plough it up, but he met with agricul- and onions, —why our own don't thrive on it, is
tural distress. He says as soon as he whipped his very mysterious.  We have a beautiful poultry
horses, the plough stuck its nose in the earth, and  yard, only infested with rats,-but I have made up
tumbled over head and heels. It seems very odd  a poison, that, I know by the poor ducks, will kill
when ploughing is so easy to look at, but I trust he them if they eat it.
will do better in time. Experience makes a King    I expected to send you a quantity of wall-fruit,
Solomon of 6 Tom noddy.                         for preserving, and am sorry you bought the brandy
I expect we shall have bushels upon bushels of  beforehand, as it has all vanished in one night by
corn, tho' sadly pecked by the birds, as I have had
all the scarecrows taken down for fear of the children dreaming of them for Bogies. For the same
dear little sakes I have had the well filled up, and
the nasty sharp iron spikes drawn out of all the
rakes and harrows.  Nobody shall say to my E
teeth, I am not a good  Mother. With these pre- M     _:
cautions I trust the young ones will enjoy the -       _1
WALL FRUIT.
__~-~~~~~_  ~picking and stealing, notwithstanding I had ten
dozen of bottles broke on purpose to stick a-top of
_=; ~-:~~ ~ ~f~-'         the wall. But I rather think they came over the
pales, as George, who is very thoughtless, had
THE RAKE'S PROGRESS.              driven in all the new tenter hooks with the points




THE PUGSLEY PAPERS.                                     675
downwards.  Our apples and pears would have  down on the footing of a friend, to visit my son
gone too, but luckily we heard a noise in the dark, Richard, but hearing the newspapers read, quitted
and threw brickbats out of the window, that alarm- suddenly, the same day with the gipsies, and we
ed the thieves by smashing the cowcumber frames. haven't an idea what is become of him. Trusting
However, I mean on Monday to make sure of the  this statement will relieve of all anxiety, remain,
orchard, by gathering the trees,-a pheasant in  madam, your humble servant,
one's hand is worth two cock sparrows in a bush.                            BELINDA PUGSLEY.
One comfort is, the house-dog is very vicious, and
wont let any of us stir in or out after dark-indeed, No. VII.-To Mr. SILAS PUGSLEY, Parisian Depot,
nothing can be more furious, except the bull, and    Shoredich.
at me in particular. You would think he knew my
inward thoughts, and that I intend to have him    DEAR BROTHER,-My favor of the present date,
roasted whole when we give our grand housewarm- is to advise of my safe arrival on Wednesday night,
ing regalia.                                    per opposition coach, after ninety miles of discomWith these particulars, I remain, with love, my  fort, absolutely unrivalled for cheapness, and a walk
dear Dorcas, your affectionate sister,          of five miles more, through lanes and roads, that for
BELINDA PUGSLEY.       dirt and sludge may confidently defy competition,not to mention turnings and windings, too numerous
P. S. —I have only one anxiety here, and that is, to particularize, but morally impossible to pursue
the likelihood of being taken violently ill, nine  on undeviating principles. The night was of so
miles off from any physical powers, with nobody  dark a quality as forbade finding the gate, but for
that can ride in the house, and nothing but an in- the house-dog flying upon me by mistake for the
surmountable hunting horse in the stable. I should  late respectable proprietor, and almost tearing my
like, therefore, to be well doctor-stuff'd from Apo- clothes off my back by his strenuous exertions to
thecaries' Hall, by the wagon or any other vehicle. obtain'the favor of my patronage.
A stitch in the side taken in time saves nine spasms.   Conscientiously averse to the fallacious stateDorothy's tincture of the rhubarb stalks in the  ments, so much indulged in by various competitors,
garden, doesn't answer, and it's a pity now they  truth urges to acknowledge that on arrival, I did
were not saved for pies.                        not find things on such a footing as to insure universal satisfaction. Mrs. P., indeed, differs in her
No. VI.-From Mrs. PUGSLEY to Jlfrs. ROGERS.   statement, but you know her success always surMADAM,-Although warmth has made a coolness, passed the most sanguine expectations. Ever emuand our having words has caused a silence-yet as lous to merit commendation by the strictest regard
and our having words has caused a silence —yet as to principles of economy I found her laid up with
mere writing is not being on speaking terms, and,.
mere writing is not being on speaking terms, and  lumbago, through her studious efforts to please, and
disconsolate parents in the case; I waive venting of Doctor Clarke, of Wisbeach, in the house prescribanimosities till a more agreeable moment. Having        Clarke, of Wisbeach, m  th  e house prescribperused the afflicted advertisement in the Times  ing for it, but I am sorry to add-no abatement..,rused th.f~icted.dvertisement.n.he Ties,.Dorothy is also confined to her bed, by her unrewith interesting description of person, and ineffec- itting assiduiy is alsottention in to her bed, by her unretual dragging of New River, —beg leave to say that mitting assiduity and attention in the housekeeping
Master Robert is safe and wel,-having arrived  line; and Anastasia the same, from listening for
Master Robert is safe and well, —having arrived  i.         r.            v.
here on Saturday night last, with almost not a shoe  nightiles, on a fine July evening, but which is
to his foot, and no coat at all, as was supposed to  an arte not always to be warranted to keep its
be with the approbation of parents. It appears  virtue in any climate,-the other children, large
that not supposing the distance between the fami- and small sizes, ditto, ditto, with Grace too ill to
that not supposing the distance between the fami- serve in the lursery,-and the rest of the servants
lies extended to him, he walked the whole way  serve in the nursery,-and the rest of the servants
totally unable to execute such extensive demands.
Such an unprecedented depreciation in health makes
me doubt the quality of country air, so much re-:I=-      {          lllvl i  lncommended for family use, and whether constitutions have not more eligibility to Offer that have
been regularly town-made.
Our new residence is a large lonely mansion, with
no connection with any other house, but standing
I''  y-'   i  in the heart of Lincolnshire fens, over which it
looks through an advantageous opening: comprisI-ii  ing a great variety of windmills, and drains, and
ftUl"I~ iu4tliw,...... u  willow-pollards, and an extensive assortment of
similar articles, that are not much calculated to invite inspection. In warehouses for corn, etc., it
='- ta probably presents unusual advantages to the occu_ — -_   pier; but candor compels to state that agriculture
_-____-~             in this part of Lincolnshire is very flat. To supply
language on the most moderate terms, unexampled
distress in Spitalfields is nothing to the distress in
-__ --            Aours. The corn has been deluged with rain of remarkable durability, without being able to wash the
smut out of its ears; and with regard to the expected great rise in hay, our stacks have been burnt
down to the ground, instead of going to the consumer. If the hounds hadn't been out, we might
have fetch'd the engines, but the hunter threw
A COOLNESS BETWEEN FRIENDS.           George on his head, and he only revived to be sen



676        SALLY  SIMPKINS LAMENT; OR, JOHN JONES S KIT-CAT-ASTROPHE.
sible that the entire stock had been disposed'of at the agricultural line of trade, as renders a wholesale
an immense sacrifice. The whole amount, I fear, stock of patience barely adequate to meet its dewill be ott of book,-as the Norwich Union refuses mands. Thus stimulated to injudicious performto liquidate the hay, on the ground that the policy  ance, he is as injurious to the best interests of the
was voided by the impolicy of putting it up wet. country, as blight and mildew, and smut and rot,
In other articles I am sorry I must write no altera- and glanders, and pip, all combined in one texture.
tion. Our bull, after killing the house-dog, and  Between ourselves, the objects of unceasing endeavtossing William, has gone wild, and had the mad- ors, united with uncompromising integrity, have
ness to run away from his livelihood, and, what is been assailed with so much deterioration, as makes
worse, all the cows after him-except those that me humbly desirous of abridging sufferings, by rehad burst themselves in the clover-field, and a small suming business as a shoe marter at the old-estabdividend, as I may say, of one in the pound. An- lished house. If Clack and Son, therefore, have not
other item, the pigs, to save bread and milk, have  already taken possession and respectfully informed
been turned into the woods for acorns, and is an  the vicinity, will thankfully pay reasonable compenarticle producing no returns-as not one has yet sation for loss of time and expense incurred by the
come back. Poultry ditto. Sedulously cultivating  bargain being off. In case parties agree, I beg you
an enlarged connection in the turkey line, such the  will authorize Mr. Robins to have the honor to disantipathy to gipsies, the whole breed, geese and  pose of the whole Lincolnshire concern, tho' the
ducks inclusive, removed themselves from  the  knocking down of Middlefen Hall will be a severe
premises by night, directly a strolling camp came  blow on Mrs. P. and family. Deprecating the deand set up inthe neighborhood. To avoid prolixity, ceitful stimulus of advertising arts, interest comwhen I came to take stock, there was no stock to  mands to mention,-desirable freehold estate and
take-namely, no eggs, no butter, no cheese, no corn, eligible investment-and sole reason for disposal,
no hay, no bread, no beer-no water even-nothing  the proprietor going to the continent. Example
but the mere commodious premises, and fixtures, suggests likewise, a good country for hunting for
and good-will-and candor compels to add, a very  fox-hounds-and a prospect too extensive to put
small quantity on hand of the last-named particular. in a newspaper.  Circumstances being rendered
To add to stagnation, neither of my two sons in  awkward by the untoward event of the running
the business, nor the two apprentices, have been so  away of the cattle, etc., it will be best to saydiligently punctual in executing country orders with  "The stock to be taken as it stands;"-and an addespatch and fidelity, as laudable ambition desires, ditional favor will be politely conferred, and the
but have gone about fishing and shooting —and  same thankfully acknowledged, if the auctioneer
William has suffered a loss of three fingers, by his will be so kind as bring the next market town ten
unvarying system of high charges. He and Richard  miles nearer, and carry the coach and the wagon
are likewise both threatened with prosecution for once a day past the door. Earnestly requesting
trespassing on the hares in the adjoining landed in- early attention to the above, and with sentiments
terest, and Nick is obliged to decline any active  of, etc.                  R., PUGSLEY, SEN.
share, by dislocating his shoulder in climbing a tall
tree for a tom-tit. As for George, tho' for the    P. S. Richard is just come to hand dripping and
first time beyond the circumscribed limits of town  half dead out of the Nene, and the two apprentices
custom, he indulges vanity in such unqualified pre- all but drowned each other in saving him. Hence
tensions to superiority of knowledge in farming, on  occurs to add, fishing opportunities among the dethe strength of his grandfather having belonged to  sirable items.
SALLY SIMPKIN'S LAMENT; OR, JOHN JONES'S KIT-CAT-ASTROPHE.
BY THOMAS HOOD.
" OH! what is that comes gliding in,           "Alas! death has a strange divorce
And quite in middling haste?                   Effected in the sea,
It is the picture of my Jones,                  It has divided me from you,
And painted to the waist.                       And even me from me!
"It is not painted to the life,                 "Don't fear my ghost will walk o' nights
For where's the trowsers blue?                 To haunt, as people say;
Oh Jones, my dear!-Oh dear! my Jones,         My ghost can't walk, for, oh! my legs
What is become of you?"                        Are many leagues away!
" O! Sally dear, it is too true,-              "Lord! think when I am swimming round,
The half that you remark                        And looking where the boat is,
Is come to say my other half                    A shark just snaps away a half,
Is bit off by a shark!                          Without'a quarter's notice.'
"Oh! Sally, sharks do things by halves,        "One half is here, the other half
Yet most completely do!                        Is near Columbia placed;
A bite in one place seems enough,               Oh! Sally, I have got the whole
But I've been bit in two.                       Atlantic for my waist.
"You know I once was all your own               "But now, adieu-a long adieu!
But now a shark must share I                    I've solved death's awful riddle,
But let that pass-for now to you                And would say more, but I am doomed
I'm neither here nor there.                     To break off in the middle!"




THE LOST HEIR.                                      677
THE LOST HEIR.
BY THOIMAS HOOD.
ONE day, as I was going by
That part of IHolborn christened High,
I heard a loud and sudden cry
That chill'd my very blood;
And lo! from out a dirty alley,
Where pigs and Irish wont to rally,
K~aSX    D~~~~~ 1    E a,,,I saw a crazy woman sally,
J g I  l, t < Bedaub'd with grease and mud.
She turn'd her East, she turn'd her West,, 1            \<S\Staring like Pythoness possest,
With streaming hair and heaving breast,
As one stark mad with grief
This way and that she wildly ran,
Jostling with woman and with manHer right hand held a frying pan,
The left a lump of beef.
At last her frenzy seem'd to reach
A point just capable of speech,
And with a tone almost a screech,
As wild as ocean birds,
Or female Ranter mov'd to preach,
She gave her "sorrow words."
A LOST CHILD ITS OWN CRYER.
"0 Lord! 0 dear, my heart will break, I shall go stick stark staring wild!
Has ever a one seen any thing about the streets like a crying lost-looking child?
Lawk help me, I don't know where to look, or to run, if I only knew which wayA Child as is lost about London streets, and especially Seven Dials, is a needle in a bottle of hay.
I am all in a quiver-get out of my sight, do, you wretch, you little Kitty M'Nab!'
You promised to have half an eye to him, you know you did, you dirty deceitful young drab.
The last time as ever I see him, poor thing, was with my own blessed Motherly eyes,
Sitting as good as gold in the gutter, a playing at making little dirt pies.
I wonder he left the court where he was better off than all the other young boys,
With two bricks, an old shoe, nine oyster-shells, and a dead kitten by way of toys.
When his Father comes home, and he always comes home as sure as ever the clock strikes one,
He'll be rampant, he will, at his child being lost; and the beef and the inguns not done!
La bless you, good folks, mind your own consarns, and don't be making a mob in the street;
O serjeant M'Farlane! you have not come across my poor little boy, have you, in your beat?
Do, good people, move on! don't stand staring at me like a parcel of stupid stuck pigs;
Saints forbid! but he's p'r'aps been inviggled away up a court for the sake of his clothes by the prigs;
lt                                                        K
~~ r~i~~l   j                       iii ii/
if r lil 44




678                           A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.
He'd a very good jacket, for certain, for I bought it myself for a shilling one day in Rag Fair;
And his trousers considering not -very much patch'd, and red plush, they was once his Father's best pair.
His shirt, it's very lucky I'd got washing in the tub, or that might have gone with the rest;
But he'd got on a very good pinafore with only two slits and a burn on the breast.
He'd a goodish sort of hat, if the crown was sew'd in, and not quite so much jagg'd at the brim.
With one shoe on, and the other shoe is a boot, and not a fit, and you'll know by that if it's him.
Except being so well dress'd, my mind would misgive, some old beggar woman in want of an orphan,
Had borrow'd the child to go a begging with, but I'd rather see him laid out in his coffin!
Do, good people, move on, such a rabble of boys! I'll break every bone of'em I come near;
Go home-you're spilling the porter-go home-Tommy Jones, go along home with your beer.
This day is the sorrowfulest day of my life, ever since my name was Betty Morgan.
Them vile Savoyards! they lost him once before all along of following a Monkey and an Organ:
O my Billy-my head will turn right round-if he's got kiddynapp'd with them Italians,
They'll make him a plaster parish image boy, they will, the outlandish tatterdemalions.
Billy-where are you, Billy?-I'm as hoarse as a crow, with screaming for ye, you young sorrow!
And shan't have half a voice, no more I shan't, for crying fresh herrings to-morrow.
O Billy, you're bursting my heart in two, and my life won't be of no more vally,
If I'm to see other folks darlin's, and none of mine, playing like angels in our alley;
And what shall I do but cry out my eyes, when I looks at the old three-legged chair
As Billy used to make coach and horses of, and there a'n't no Billy there!
I would run all the wide world over to find him, if I only know'd where to run.
Little Murphy, now I remember, was once lost for a month through stealing a penny bun,The Lord forbid of any child of mine! I think it would kill me raily,
To find my Bill holdin' up his little innocent hand at the Old Bailey.
For though I say it as oughtn't, yet I will say, you may search for miles and mileses
And not find one better brought up, and more pretty behaved, from one end to t'other of St. Giles's.
And if I called him a beauty, it's no lie, but only as a Mother ought to speak;
You never set eyes on a more handsomer face, only it hasn't been washed for a week;
As for hair, tho' its red, it's the most nicest hair when I've time to just show it the comb;
I'll owe'em five pounds, and a blessing besides, as will only bring him safe and sound home.
He's blue eyes, and not to be call'd a squint, though a little cast he's certainly got;
And his nose is still a good un, tho' the bridge is broke, by his falling on a pewter pint pot;
He's got the most elegant wide mouth in the world, and very large teeth for his age;
And quite as fit as Mrs. Murdockson's child to play Cupid on the Drury Lane.Stage.
And then he has got such dear winning ways-but O I never never shall see him no more!
O dear! to think of losing him just after nussing him back from death's door!
Only the very last month when the windfalls, hang'em, was at twenty a penny!
And the threepence he'd got by grottoing was spent in plums, and sixty for a child is too many.
And the Cholera man came and whitewash'd us all and, drat him, made a seize of our hog.It's no use to send the Cryer to cry him about, he's such a blunderin' drunken old dog;
The last time he was fetched to find a lost child, he was guzzling with his bell at the Crown,
And went and cried a boy instead of a girl, for a distracted Mother and Father about Town.
Billy-where are you, Billy, I say? come Billy, come home, to your best of Mothers!
I'm scared when I think of them Cabroleys, they drive so, they run over their own Sisters and Brothers,
Or may be he's stole by some chimbly sweeping wretch, to stick fast in narrow flues and what not,
And be poked up behind with a picked pointed pole, when the soot has ketch'd, and the chimney's red
hot.
Oh I'd give the whole wide world, if the world was mine, to clap my two longin' eyes on his face.
For he's my darlin' of darlin's, and if he don't soon come back, you'll see me drop stone dead on the
place.
I only wish I'd got him safe in these two Motherly arms, and wouldn't I hug him and kiss him!
Lauk! I never knew what a precious he was-but a child don't not feel like a child till you miss him.
Why, there he is! Punch and Judy hunting, the young wretch; it's that Billy as sartin as sin!
But let me get him home, with a good grip of his hair, and I'm blest if he shall have a whole bone in
his skin!"
A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.
FROM  " TYLNEY HALL."  BY THOMAS HOOD.
FOR some days previous to the fete, the Hive ters far surpassing the dim intelligence of an African
presented a scene of hurry, scurry, worry, and  brain; the most provoking blunders naturally folflurry. As usual, Twigg interfered in every thing; lowed, and the black, as might have been expected
and his voice was heard from all parts of the house, from  one of his complexion,'played the very
swearing, entreating, threatening, exhorting, di- devil."  Many a tumble he had over the numerous
recting, or disputing with his wife and daughter on  packages from London which encumbered the floors
matters of taste. Never in the days of his indus- and tables, the stairs and the chairs. It was well
try had he labored so unremittingly, so early, and  the Hive did not happen to be a glass one, such
so late; he really slaved bodily like a negro, while  as those which invite the spectator to observe
Pompey, the true nigger, was set to work on mat- the wonderful order, harmony, regularity, and




A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.                                   679
exact distribution of labor, evinced by its busy r are so apt to indulge. He locked the butler in
inhabitants. Indeed, the House of Industry much  his pantry-sent off the footman, when most in
more resembled a wasp's nest, where the peevish  request, on frivolous errands-plugged the pipes of
swarm  were all restless and irritated by some  keys- fastened chairs together-set tables topsyrecent disturbance.  Every body  was out of  turvy-shut the cat in the china-closet-fastened
humor. Mrs. Twigg scolded and wept by turns, the house-dog to the gate-bell-and then was disand threatened to fiint, but had not time to spare  covered ranting as Belvidera, with his clumsy perfor fits; and the cook fumed and broiled at her son thrust into a new dress that had just been sent
mistress's culinary interference.  The coachman  home for his sister.'Tilda screamed and scolded,
sulkily helped in the kitchen, to whip cream instead  the mother begged and prayed-but the mischieof horses. The butler quarrelled with the footman; vous spirit of this domestic Caliban was not properly
and the housemaids among themselves.  The gar- quelled till Twigg senior had ten times turned him
dener growled and grumbled while he transported  out of the business, twenty times cut him off with
his hothouse plants into the open air, cropped all a shilling, and, at last, given him a sound cuffing
his choicest buds and blossoms to make bouquets I with his own fatherly hands.
and fill baskets, nor did it                                             It seemed impossible that
make him amends for his                                               the festive preparation could
real flowers, to see artificial                                       be completed by the given
ones in wreaths and fes-            day; but the time came,
toons decorating his favor-'       and  every thing was in
ite "old statues," so that                                -            order. Asthe cub had preMercury looked as if he was                                            dieted, the governor had
going to dance in a ballet,    (                               L. rolled a great many enterand Neptune as if he had_                                )f-          tainments into one. In the
just come from Covent Gar-                                             centre of the lawn stood a
den.  The grooms grew  -,                                             large marquee, containing
weary of galloping express                                            an ample cold collation,
~~~on  coach-horses, as the   ~which made a very showy
jealous tradespeople of the                    @,m appearance, the  principal
village tardily executed, or                                          dishes being kept cold by
altogether neglected, the                                             the  new  massive  silver
stray orders for forgotten                                            covers, each  surmounted
articles which they grum- i                                           by the family emblem, a
bled " had better have been                    a                       bee, big enough for a cockhad down from London like                                              chafer. Above this pavilion
the rest." To crown the i                                            i waved, or rather should
confusion, the cub arrived                     Ad lI                  have waved, a broad silken
full of boisterous spirits, and                                       banner, that had often flutbegin to amuse himself with             -                             tered and flaunted in the
a whole flock of larks, a                                             procession of the Worshipphrase that indicated those -1                                        ful Company of Ironmonpractical jokes, in which                                             gers, but now, for want of
persons of limited capacity U -                                       wind, hung down as motion



680                            A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.
less as a piece of hardware. In a line with the mar- vicinity. However, the interval was a grateful one,
quee was a target for archery, so posted, that who- for it allowed the master and mistress of the Hive
ever missed the butt would have a fair chance of to feel really "at home" with their former conhitting the tent; whilst, for the accommodation of  nections, and to indulge in the luxury of civic reanglers, the margin of the large fish-pond was furnish- collections, unrepressed by the presence of their
ed with sundry elbow-chairs, wherein the sedentary  more aristocratic acquaintance.  Mrs. Twigg exangler might enjoy "the contemplative man's recre- hibited to her female friends her drawing-room,
ation," in the immediate vicinity of a country dance bed-rooms, store-room, kitchen, wash-house, brewand a pandean band, in those days as fashionable a house, and  her unprofitable  dairy; meanwhile
band as Weippart's or Colinet's at the present time. Twigg paraded his old cronies through his diningTo accommodate the musicians, the octagon summer- room, billiard-room, study, and stables, or trotted
house was fitted up as a temporary orchestra, in front them round the grounds, pointing out peeps and
of which stood a column of benches three deep; prospects, and then rushing back to act as showfor Twigg, on personally inviting the pedagogue of man to fresh batches, who were successively usherProspect House, and begging a whole holyday for ed into the garden by Pompey, his black face openthe boys, had embraced that eligible opportunity  ing from ear to ear, like a personification of Coalof borrowing all the school forms. On the opposite man's Broad Grins. The coachman, in topboots,
side of the garden, the orange trees and exotics assisted the footman; and the gardener, a sort of
from the hothouse formed an avenue up to an ar- Jerry Blossom, fancy-dressed in a straw-hat, peabor, christened, for the occasion, the Temple of green coat, skyblue hose, and parsley-and-butter
Flora, and specially dedicated to the occupation of waistcoat, trotted after his master, to give the
Miss Twigg, who undertook, in an appropriate  proper names of the flowers and shrubs, for the
fancy dress, to represent the Queen of Flowers. proprietor scarcely knew a peony from a pink.
The Hermitage, in a secluded corner of the grounds,   At one o'clock all the company had arrived, exhad its rustic table furnished with a huge portfolio  cepting the Tyrrels and the Riverses; many of the
of colored caricatures; and the paddock was de- younger guests coming in fancy dresses, more or
voted to trapball and cricket, the wicket for the  less tasteful; there were Swiss, Turkish, and Grecian
latter game being considerately pitched, so that a maids; nuns, Dianas, nymphs, Spanish Dons, troubarn on one side, and a haystack on the other, badours, monks, knights, a shepherd, and no less
would materially assist the fieldsmen in stopping  than three shepherdesses, without a sheep. The
the ball. A whimsical feature remains to be men- air was now become oppressively sultry; but Twigg
tioned. In anticipation of syllabub, Daisy, a polled  suffered little from the weather, in comparison with
Alderney, was tethered at a corner of the lawn, a his hot and cold fits of nervousness and anxiety,
stone Cupid seeming ludicrously to keep watch  originating in other causes than the mere novelty
over her, in the capacity of a cowboy.          of his situation. First, he had to endure a long comSuch were the festive arrangements over which  plimentary oration from Doctor Bellamy, an approTwigg glanced with a satisfaction that made him  priate answer to which would have cost the hearer
frequently wash his hands without water or soap, more trouble than a speech in common council;
while he mentally contrasted the gay scene before then he had to meet the Squire for the first time
him with the humble prospects of his youth. He since smashing his decanters;-the pedagogue from
was dressed in a full court suit of plum color, in  Prospect House was perpetually addressing him
which, as Sheriff, he had gone up with an address with Latin quotations; and he was especially puzto the King; his partner, with her embonpoint and  zled by the presence of the Rev. Dr. Cobb, —for
her pink satin, looked extremely like that hearty  archery and cricket were sports for laymen, and he
and substantial flower, a full-blown cabbage-rose; could think of no clerical amusement, except invitwhile'Tilda, in apple-green silk, festooned with ar- ing the worthy vicar every ten minutes to eat or
tificial flowers, and her hair wreathed with real drink. The occasional absences of his son kept
ones, appeared actually, as he expressed it, " a cut him, besides, in an intermitting fever, for he judged
above human nature."                            rightly, that the cub, when out of sight, was enAt the first encounter of husband and wife in  gaged in mischief; above all, he could not help notheir full plumage, slie saluted him with a very pro- ticing that a damp hung over the spirits of the
found courtesy, which he returned by an elaborate  whole company, which he vainly tried to dissipate.
bow, as if in joint rehearsal of the ceremonies to  The town party and the country party refused to
come, and then they mutually congratulated each  amalgamate, and took opposite sides of the garden,
other on the propitious weather, for the sky was like Whigs and Tories; nay, the very sexes seemed
calmhn and cloudless, though it was rather hot for to antipathize, and the young ladies planted themthe season; indeed, as Twigg said, he should have  selves in clumps on one part of the lawn, while the
thought it "very hard if a man of his property  young gentlemen formed groups elsewhere. Poscould not have a fine day for a fete."          sibly, like the guests at the feast after the manner
One thing puzzled the worthy pair. Few of the  of the ancients, as recorded in Peregrine Pickle,
neighboring gentry had accepted their invitation, each individual awaited the example of his neighthough the Hive was so handy, and they had car- bor how he was to behave or enjoy himself at so
riages of their own; whereas the metropolitan  unusual an entertainment; perhaps mirth was defamilies who had been asked, came almost to a pressed by the earnest injunction to be merry of
fraction, notwithstanding the distance was consid- the host and hostess, who did not know that to bid
erable, and many had to hire vehicles. It was sin- a wit " to be funny," is to desire him to be dull.
gular, besides, that those who had the farthest to  As Twigg trotted to and fro with the activity and
travel arrived first; guests from Bishopsgate, Lud- volubility of a flying pieman, he indulged in such
gate, and Cripplegate, came in, and had successive- patter as the following: —
ly made the tour of the house and grounds before    "My dear Miss Tipper, I declare, as blooming as
a single soul was announced who belonged to the  ever —glad to see you-take an ice —Mrs. Crowder,




A FETE AT A COUNTRY  SEAT.                                  681
have you been round the grounds?-Rev. Dr. Cobb, nings, a deaf man would certainly have thought
a glass of wine-Pray make free, gentlemen-Lib- that he was meditating and practising some such
erty Hall, you know-Matilda, Miss Dobbs would  caligraphic devices on the empty air.
like to see Flora's Temple-'Tilda looks well, don't   At last Massa, Baronet Tyrrel was announced by
she? —Mr. Deputy, there'll be a collation at four in  the obsequious Pompey, and the jovial Sir Mark
the tent; but take a snack beforehand-plenty in  immediately appeared, with his family, including
the dining-room-come, young folks, be merry, be  his daughter elect, Grace Rivers, the avocations of
merry-what are you all for?-there's bow and  the Justice not allowing him to be present so early.
arrows, and cricket and fishing, and dancing on the  The Baronet, delivered from gout, was in excellent
green, and music-Mrs. Tilby, I know you're fond  health and spirits; Mrs. Hamilton seemed unusually
of vocals-run, Pompey, and desire Mr. Hopkinson  cheerful; Raby and Grace were of course happy in
for the favor of a song-my dear, do keep an eye  each other's society; and even Ringwood and St.
on John, he's drunk already, d    n him-Mr. Kitts appeared either to have forgotten their old
Sparks, a glass of wine-the same with you, Mr. feud, or to have agreed on an armistice for the day.
Dowson —here, this way into the green-house-   The host and hostess were loud and eager in their
come, hob-a-nob-a pretty scene, isn't it, Sparks, welcome and salutations.
my old boy-and all my own property-Mr. Dow-   "Oh, Sir Mark Tyrrel, Baronet," exclaimed Mrs.
son, I can't help remembering old times; but many's Twigg, in a tone of reproach, "how could you be
the time Sparks and me has clubbed our shillings so behind time?  You promised to enjoy a long
together for a treat at Bagnigge Wells. A great day."
change though, say you, from that to this. I little    "To be sure, madam," answered Sir Mark, "to
thought when I wrote T. Twigg with a watering- judge by the field, I am rather late at the meet;
tin, on a dusty pavement, that I should be signing  but no matter-a short burst may be a merry one;
it some day to cheques for thousands. I don't care  and as yet, from all I see, I have lost little sport."
who knows it, but I wasn't always the warm man I    "Sir Mark Tyrrel, Baronet, a glass of wine?"
am to-day. Mr. Squire, pray step in-a glass of said Mr. Twigg.  "A votary of Diana," lisped Miss
wine-glad to see you, Mr. Squire-break as much  Twigg, "must be a friend to Flora,-may I offer a
as you please, and I won't say any thing; we shall bouquet?"
only be quits-now for a look about again-where    "I shall be proud and happy," returned the galthe devil is T., junior? —Mr. Danvers, go to my  lant Sir Mark, with a bow that belonged to the
daughter's bower, she'll present you with a bouquet Hunt Balls; but in stepping hastily forward to re— Dr. Bellamy, a glass of wine-Miss Trimmer, I ceive the nosegay, he unluckily set his right foot
know you like solitude; and that's the way to the  with some emphasis on the forepaw of a little BlenHermitage. Don't be alarmed at the cow, she's helm spaniel that was careering round Flora's green
only flapping off the flies-Dr. Cobb, there's lunch  sandals. The poor brute immediately set up a
in the dining-room-Mr. Cottrel, do go and divide  dismal howl, and the Goddess, divesting her hands
those young ladies-beaux, beaux, what are you  with little ceremony of the proffered bouquet,
about? —come, choose partners, don't let the band  caught up the curly favorite, and began to fondle
play for nothing-Mr. Crump, a glass of wine —"    it in her arms.
Such was the style of Twigg's exhortations; who,    "D-n the dog!" exclaimed Twigg, with his
unlike other lecturers, endeavored to enforce his usual abruptness; "chuck him  down again, and
precepts by practice. He made a dozen ineffectual give Sir Mark Tyrrel, Baronet, his bow-pot."
offers with the trap-bat at the ball, bobbed a fish-    "I am really ashamed of her, sir," said the moing line up and down in the fish-pond, seized Mrs. ther, stooping and presenting the flowers herself;
Deputy Dobbs, and cut a brief caper with her on  "but the little animal's a great darling, a real
the grass plat, and finally, fitting an arrow to a bow, Marlbro', and a present from Mr. Ringwood."
the shaft escaped from  his fingers, and passed    The Baronet winced at the information, and could
through Mrs. Tipper's turban, where it lodged, like  have kicked the dog back to Blenheim with all his
a skewer a la Grecque. Such a commencement heart; while Ringwood, Raby, and the Creole exmade every one adverse to archery, and particu- changed looks of vexation with each other, which
larly as Mrs. Twigg requested that before shooting  gradually altered into smiles, and at last they all
any more arrows, they would let her put corks on  laughed in concert. There's a story current on the
all the points. As to angling, it seemed universally  turf, of a certain jockey who very profitably disagreed, that on such a day no fish would take a posed of three several whips, to as many gentlebait; and with regard to dancing, Twigg's tarantula  men, as the identical whip with which he had won
did not bite any more than the fish, whilst the trap- the Derby; and the keeper, or under-keeper of
ball and the cricket-ball were as much out of favor Blenheim had practised a similar imposition on our
as the ball on the lawn. Music itself seemed for three collegians, by selling to each of them the
once to have lost its charms, and the most popular only spaniel of that celebrated breed that " was not
of Mr. Hopkinson's songs attracted no auditor but to be had for love or money." However, each pruDr. Bellamy, who sat gravely bowing time, and  dently kept the secret. Twigg took the Baronet
waving his hand in accompaniment of the long, into the green-house for a glass of wine; Mrs.
elaborate, rambling cadences then in fashion, and  Twigg invited Mrs. Hamilton to take a peep at the
which might aptly be compared, to the extraneous preparations in the marquee, and Matilda led Grace
flourishes so much in vogue at the same period, to her temple.
when the pen went curveting off from plain pot-      *               *             *      *
hooks and hangers into ornamental swans, ships,   During this interlude the dulness of the rest of
dragoons, eagles, and fierce faces in flowing wigs. the company had rather increased, and the gaudy
Indeed, from the evolutions of Old Formality's right flag, that still drooped motionless upon its staff,
hand and fore-finger, their sweeps, and wavings, seemed a proper emblem of their listless and inaniand circumgyrations, and occasional rapid spin- mate condition. They stood about the grounds in




682                            A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.
groups, idle, weary, and dreary, and seemed by                 D
common consent to have adopted the line of conduct of the Hon. Mr. Danvers, a sort of exclusive              *'- 
of those days, who, in answer to every proposition   -
of amusement, lisped languidly, "that he preferred
to look on."
"It's very odd a man of my property can't have
a merry party," thought Twigg, as he looked round     ~ 
on his grand to-do, and saw the festive scene with    t      /,                            X
a visible damp over it, like a wet night at Vauxhall.  
In the bitterness of his heart he sidled up to Mrs.,l
Twigg, who was standing near the marquee, and
said to her, in a low tone, " Our friends, d    n              /1
them, are as dull as ditch-water. What the devil
can we do with them?":
"Nine, ten, eleven," said Mrs. Twigg, with an
abstracted look, and a little nod of her head at
each number.
"What the --  is running in your fool's head,
madam?" said the master of the Hive.
"Hush;-fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen,"
continued Mrs. Twigg, with the action of a Mandarin.  "Drat that Pompey; I know there's more
heads than plates."  And she rushed off to scold
the oblivious black.  The poor African, indeed,
during the last half hour, had fully entitled himself
to receive what Twigg, junior, would have called a
regular good wigging.
A breath of air displaying for the first time the  by successive mistakes and accidents to an awful
Ironmongers' banner, it was discovered that the  pitch of nervous excitement, and she did not feel
obtuse negro had hoisted it reversed, with all the  sure that he had not actually run away in a paroxarmorial bearings of that Worshipful Company  ysm of disgust and horror, leaving her, like Lady
standing on their heads; and in absurdly attempt- Macbeth, to huddle up the banquet as she might.
ing to rectify this blunder, by swarming up the  At last a popping sound attracted her to the tent,
staff, down came Pompey, pole, flag, and all, on the  and there she found the wished-for personage, cursdignified head of the Hon. Mr. Danvers, who was ing and swearing in a whisper, aid stopping with
indulging his preference for looking on. His next each thumb a bottle of champagne, which had sufexploit was in bowing and backing to make way  fered so from the hot weather, that the fixed air
for Mr. Justice Rivers, whereby he got a fair roll had determined on visiting the fresh.
and tumble over Miss Bower, one of the shepherd-    "Oh, Mr. T., what would you think!"-began the
esses, who was sitting very pastorally on the grass; poor hostess, but he cut her short; and the followand by-and-by, recollecting some neglected pre- ing dialogue ensued:
vious order, he ran off headlong to execute it, popping down a trayful of ices to thaw and dissolve
themselves into a dew, under the broiling sun. A
long hundred of such little enormities were com-                        \
mitted by the wrong-headed Hottentot; but only            -/      (      /j
imagine the amazement of his mistress, when she.         "                         K  
saw him gravely conveying a reinforcement of cake
and wine to the green-house in a common hand-.        \  
barrow;-and conceive her still greater horror, 4  / -              -
when he came back on the broad grin, with the
same vehicle containing the helpless, portly body y' 
of the coachman as drunk as the celebrated sow of
David.  The only possible thing that could be.,
urged in favor of the sot, was, that he was not
cross in his cups, for during his progress he per-,. /
sisted in singing a jolly song, quite as broad as it
was long, with all the voice that he had left.
"I shall faint away!  I shall go wild!  I shall
die on the spot!" exclaimed the distressed mistress  
of the Hive. "I wonder where Mr. T. is? That     
Pompey is enough to-has any body seen Mr. T.? 9     i
It is really cruel,-what can a woman do with a'
tipsy man?  Do run about, Peter, and look for
your master,-Mr. T.! Mr. T.! Mr. T. "'
But no one responded to the invocation, although |
the whole grounds resounded, gradually, with an   _
universal call for Mr. Twigg.  The unhappy lady
was in despair-she feared she knew not what.
When she last saw him, he had been worked up




A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.                                  683
"None of your clack, madam; but stop those  mistress, with some indications of her old fainting
two bottles "-and he pointed to a couple of long- fits.
necked fizzlers; "d    n it, madam, stop'em tight,    "Hamstring her!-kill her I knock her on the
-you're making them squirt in my face. There  head!" shouted Twigg, dancing on his tiptoes with
you go agin! Where's Pompey,-where's Peter,-  excitement, and unconsciously imitating the action
where's John,-what the devil's the use of servants, of a slaughter-man.
if they're away when you want'em-curse the    After standing a minute at gaze, the cow had rechampargne!-Here's a pretty situation for a man  commenced her career about the lawn, causing a
of my property!"                               general panic, and nature's first law, the sauve qui
"My dear, do only have a little patience-"   peut principle, triumphed over all others. Guided
"Patience be hanged!  I've been standing so, by this instinct, Twigg rushed into the green-house,
madam, this half hour-till I've got a cramp in both  and resolutely shut the door against the cow, as
thumbs. I told that rascal, John, never to quit well as against Mrs. Twigg, who had made for the
the tent, and you, madam, you,-with your con- same place of refuge. The corpulent Mr. Deputy
founded she-gossips-why didn't you come sooner?  Dobbs, by hard running, contrived to place the
I'll tell you what-if ever I have a fete again-is breadth of the fish-pond between himself and the
any body happy-is any body lively-will any body  "infuriated animal,"-the orchestra box, alias the
shoot at the target-or dance on the lawn-or play  octagon summer-house, was crowded with comcricket?  No, says you, it's a failure, a regular pany,-the hermitage, oh, shade of Zimmerman,
failure; and as for pleasure, there an't a farthing  what a sacrilege! was a perfect squeeze; and Flora
in the pound!"                                 had clambered up the lattice-work of her temple,
The colloquy would doubtless have proceeded much  and sat shrieking on the top. All the guests were
further, but for a succession of female shrieks which  in safety but one; and every one trembled at the
arose from all quarters at once, whereat leaving  probable fate of Mrs. Tipper, who had been sitting
the champagne to take care of itself, the perplexed  on the end of a form, and was not so alert in jumppair rushed out, with palpitating hearts, to inquire  ing up from it as her juniors. The bench, on a
into the nature of this new catastrophe. And truly  mechanical principle well understood, immediately
they beheld a sight to London-bred spectators pe- reared up and threw it's rider; and before the unculiarly appalling. The human groups that occu- fortunate lady, as she afterwards averred, "could
pied the lawn had disappeared, and in lieu of them, feel her feet, she saw the rampaging cretur come
the terrific Alderney was racing about "like mad," tearing at her, with the black man arter her, makwith her head up, and her tail bolt upright, and as ing her ten times worser."
stiff as a kitchen poker. Driven to wildness by three    The scared Alderney, however, in choosing her
hours' exposure to a hot sun, and the incessant tor- course, had no design against Mrs. Tipper, but
menting stings of insects, poor Daisy had broken  merely inclined to enjoy a cold bath in the fishher tether, or more probably it had been cut for her pond, into which she accordingly plunged, accomby young Twigg, and she immediately began that panied by Pompey, who had just succeeded, after
headlong gallop which cows are apt to take when  many attempts, in catching hold of the remnant of
goaded by the breeze-fly. After running three  her tether. In they went-souse!-saluted by a
heats round the lawn, she naturally made for the  chorus of laughter from the orchestra; and there,
shades of the shrubbery, but being headed back by  floundering up to their necks in water, the black
the gentlemen, she paused, and looked around for animal and the red one hauled each other about,
an instant, as if to consider; and then, making up  and splashed and dashed as if an aquatic parody
her mind, she suddenly dashed off for the only  of the combat of Guy of Warwick and Dun Cow
place of shelter, and rushed headlong into the  had been part of the concerted entertainments.
marquee. An awful crash ensued. Plate clattered,    " Confound the fellow —she'll be drown'd!" cried
glass jingled, and timber banged!  The canvas an angry voice from the greenhouse.
bulged fearfully on one side, and the moorings giv-    "His livery's dish'd and done for," responded a
ing way, out rushed Daisy, and down fell the tent melancholy voice from the hothouse.
like a clap-net, decidedly catching the cold fowls,   "Oh! my gold-fish will be killed!" cried a shrill
ducks, and pigeons that were under it.         tone from the top of the temple; while a vaccine
A loud cry of a mixed character arose from the  bellow resounded from the pond, intermingled with
spectators of this lamentable catastrophe.  The  a volley of African jargon, of which only one senladies screamed from terror; the expectant citizens tence could be caught, and it intimated a new disbellowed from hungry disappointment, and some of aster.
the younger gentlemen, amateurs of fun, gave a    " O ki! him broke all de fishin'-rods and de lines!"
shout that sounded like a huzza!                  As Pompey spoke, he exchanged his grasp of
"She's upset the tables!" shrieked Mrs. Twigg, the halter, which had become slippery, for a clutch
with her arms working aloft like a telegraph's.  at the tail; an indignity the animal no sooner felt,
"And there goes every delicacy of the season," than with a desperate effort she scrambled out of
exclaimed Mr. Twigg, gazing with the stupefied as- the pond, and dashed off at full gallop towards the
pect of an underwriter at a total wreck.        paddock, making a dreadful gap by. the way in
"The new covers — " groaned the lady.        Flora's display of exotics, whether in tubs or pots.
"All battered and bruised-nothing but dents As for Pompey, through not timing his leap with
and bumps," added her husband, in the same tone. the cow's, he was left sprawling under the rails of
"And the beautiful cut glass-not a bit of it the paddock; meanwhile the persecuted Alderney
blowed," said the hostess, beginning to whimper.   finally took shelter under the shade of the hay"Smash'd-shivered to atoms-curse her soul!" stack.
cried the host, with the fervor of a believer in the    And now the company, with due caution, came
metempsychossi.                                 abroad again from roof and shed and leafy recess,
"My poor damask table-cloths!" moaned the like urchins after a shower. Twigg sallied from the




684                           A FETE AT A COUNTRY SEAT.
green-house, and his helpmate at the same moment   Item. A shoal of prawns in an ocean of lemonade.
issued from the forcing-house, with a face looking    Item. A very fine boiled turkey in a harlequin
perfectly ripe; the octagon summer-house sent suit of lobster salad.
forth a congregation like that of a dwarf chapel,-    Item. A ship of sugar-candy, high and dry on a
the hermitage was left to the joint tenancy of fillet of veal.
Rabv and Grace, and Flora descended from the    Item. A "hedge-hog" sitting on a "hen's nest."
roof of her temple, being tenderly assisted in her Vide Mrs. Glasse's Cookery for the confectionary
descent by the enamored Ringwood. By common  devices.
consent the company all hastened towards the fallen    Item. "A floating island," as a new constellation,
marquee, and clearing away the canvas, they be- amongst "the moon and stars in jelly."  See Mrs.
held the turf variously strewed,-exactly as if  Glasse again.
Time,-that Edax Rerum,-had made a miscella-   Item. A large pound crab, sitting upright against
neous meal which had disagreed with him.        a table, and nursing a chicken between its claws.
In the middle the tables lay on their sides with   Item. A collard eel, uncoiled, and threatening
their legs stretched out like dead horses, and the  like a boa constrictor to swallow a fowl.
bruised covers, and knives and forks, were scat-   Item. A Madeira pond, in a dish cover, with a
tered about like battered helmets and masterless duck drowned in it.
weapons after a skirmish of cavalry. The table-   Item. A pig's face, with a snout smelling at a
cloths were dappled with the purple blood of the  bunch of artificial flowers.
grape; and the eatables and drinkables scattered,   Item. A leg of lamb, as yellow as the leg of a
battered, spattered, shattered, and tattered, all boy at Christ's hospital, thanks to the mustard-pot.
round about, presented a spectacle equally whim-   Item. A tongue all over "flummery."
sical and piteous. The following are but a few of   Item. An immense Macedoine of all the fruits of
the objects which the Hon. Mr. Danvers beheld  the season, jumbled together in jam, jelly, and
when he looked on.                              cream.
Item. A huge cold round of beef, surrounded by    Such were some of the objects, interspersed with
the froth of a trifle, like an island "begirt with  Serpentines of sherry, Peerless Pools of port, and
foam," with a pigeon perched on the top instead of New Rivers of Madeira, that saluted the eyes of
a cormorant.                                    the expectant guests, thus untimely reduced to the
Item. A large lobster, roosting on the branch of feast of reason and the flow of soul. The unforan epergne.                                     tunate hostess appeared ready to drop on the spot;
Item. A roast duck, seemingly fast asleep, with  but, according to Major Oakley's theory, she rea cream cheese for a mattress and a cucumber for frained from fainting among so many broken bota bolster.                                      tles; whilst Twigg stood with the very aspect and
Item.  Brawn, in an ample writing-paper ruff, attitude of a baker's journeyman we once saw, just
well sprinkled with claret, reminding the spectator after a stumble which had pitched five rice pud.
irresistibly of the neck of King Charles the First.  dings, two custard ditto, a gooseberry pie, a curItem. Tipsy-cake, appropriately under the table. rant tart, and two dozen cheesecakes into a reseritem. A puddle of cold punch, and a neat's voir of M'Adams's broth from flints. The swamptongue apparently licking it up.                ing of his collation on the ait in the Thames was a
Item. A noble ham, brilliantly powdered with  retail concern to this enormous wreck. His eyebroken glass.                                   brows worked, his eyes rolled, his lips quivered
Item. A boiled rabbit smothered in custard.   with inaudible curses, and his fingers twitched, as
Item. A lump of blanc-mange dyed purple.      if eager to be doing something, but waiting for
X   I!It




MY AUNT HONOR.                                       685
orders from the will; he was divided, in truth, be- took leave, Doctor Bellamy being the last of the
tween a dozen rival impulses, suggesting to him, guests that departed, whereby he had the pleasure,
all at once, to murder the cow, to thrash Pompey, and to Old Formality it was a pleasure, of' bowing
to quarrel with his wife, to disinherit his son, to  them all out.
discharge the cooks, to order everybody's carriage,   As the last pair of wheels rattled away, Mrs.
to send Matilda back to boarding-school, to go to  Twigg dropped into her chair, and began to relieve
bed suddenly ill, to run away God knew where, to  her feelings by having what she called a good cry.
hang himself on the pear-tree, to drown himself in  At the same moment, Twigg threw off his coat, and
the fish-pond, to burn the marquee, to turn Infidel seizing plate, knife, and fork, began eating like a
and deny a Providence, to get dead drunk.       glutton for a wager, occasionally washing down
In this strain the indignant Ex-Sheriff was elo- ham, beef, veal, chicken, jelly, tarts, and fruit, with
quently proceeding, when suddenly, a drop of rain, great gulps of brandy and water. As for Matilda,
as big as a bullet, fell splashing on the bald head  she threw herself on a sofa, as flat, inanimate, and
of the deputy; and then came a flash of lightning  faded, as the Flora of a Hortus Siccus.
so vivid, and a clap of thunder so astounding, that   Thus ended a fete especially devoted to enjoyin his confusion the host himself led a retreat into  ment, but where the spirit of the work did not
the house, followed by the company en masse. answer to its dedication. Premeditated pleasures'
Music was prepared, and the carpet was taken up. frequently terminate in disappointment; for mirth
Matilda was sulky, and wouldn't sing, and Mr. Hop- and glee do not always care to accept a ceremonikinson couldn't, through a cold caught in the oc- ous invitation; they are friendly familiar creatures
tagon summer-house.  Mrs. Filby was grumpy  that love to drop in. To use a mercantile metaabout her satin gown, observing, with an angry  phor, bills at long dates upon happiness are apt to
glance at Miss Sparkes, that if people must jump at be dishonored when due.
claps of thunder, they needn't jump their jellies    On the morrow, John the coachman found himipto other people's laps; and the pedagogue of  self out of a situation, whilst Twigg, junior, was
Prospect House was weary of uttering classical provided with a place on the roof of the Highflyer
jokes at which nobody laughed. The Honorable  on its road to the metropolis. Pompey was threatMr. Danvers began to tire of looking on. Deputy  ened also with dismissal, but as black servants are
Dobbs was disappointed of his accustomed speechi- not as plenty as blackberries, the discharge was
fying, for in spite of all his hints, Twigg set his not made out; whereas, the gardener, shocked at
face against toasts, not liking probably to bid gen- the havoc among his exotics, and annoyed by the
tlemen charge their glasses who had so few to  nickname of Jerry Blossom, which his fancy dress
charge. The rest of the Londoners began to cal- had entailed on him, gave warning of his own acculate the distance of the metropolis.  Doctor cord. The cook received a message from her misCobb had been huffed by Mr. Figgins in a dispute  tress, who was kept in bed by a nervous complaint,
about politics; Squire Ned, for the last half hour, that she might suit herself as soon as she pleased;
had been making up his mind to steal away; and  the dairy-maid received a significant hint from the
even the Crumpe family, who had come early on  same source, that she must butter the family better
purpose to enjoy a long day, began to agree in  if she wished to stay in it; and to Dolly's deep retheir own minds, that it was the longest they  gret, her favorite Daisy, with a bad character for
had ever known.  In short, every body found  gentleness, was driven off to the nearest market
some good reason for going, and successively they  to be sold peremptorily for what she would fetch.
aMY AUNT HONOR.
BY AGNES STRICKLAND.
MIY Aunt Honor was for ten years the reigning  every one acquainted with the precise date of her
beauty of her native village; and even at the end  baptismal register; after which kind disclosure
of that period, though the opening charms of early  Aunt Honor lost the title of a beauty, and acquired
youth had gradually ripened into the more dignified  that of an old maid.
graces of womanhood, and she was a girl no longer,   This change of style was, I should apprehend,
no one could say that the change had caused that rather a trial of patience, in the first instance; for
diminution in her personal attractions which could  Aunt Honor, though she had never exhibited the
afford just reason for the loss of the title. It was slightest degree of vanity or presumption, on acbut the seasonable expansion of the bud into the  count of the general admiration she had excited,
flower, and in the eye of every person of taste and  was nevertheless pleased-with the homage paid to
sense, my Aunt Honor was a beauty still. How, her charms-and it was hard to feel herself suddenindeed, could she be otherwise, with her graceful ly deprived of all her flattering privileges at once,
contour of form and face, her noble line of features, and that without the reasonable warning which the
brilliant yet reflective; eyes of rich dark hazel; faithful mirror gives of the first indications of the
serene brow; coral lips; and clear brunette com- sure, yet silent, progress of decay in those who are
plexion?  But unluckily for poor Aunt Honor, she  not so wholly blinded by self-conceit as to be inhad two younger sisters in their teens, who, as sensible to its ravages. Time had dealt so gently
soon as they were emancipated from  boarding- with Aunt Honor, that when the account of his
school, began to consider the expediency of making  takings and leavings were reckoned, it scarcely apconquests; and finding that very few  gentlemen  peared that she stood at discount-I am inclined to
paid much attention to them  when their eldest think the balance was in her favor; but then I had
sister was present, they took the trouble of making  so much reason to love her, that perhaps I was not




686                                    IY AUNT HONOR.
an impartial judge. How, indeed, could I forget   My grandfather, who had formed a very just estiher tender cherishing care of me in my bereaved  mate of his eldest daughter's merits, was wont to
and sickly childhood, when by the early death of  observe, in reply to his wife's constant remark,
my parents, my brother and myself being left in a  "that Honor would never marry now, poor girl!"
comparative state of destitution, were thrown upon  " Those women who were most eminently qualified
the compassion of my mother's family. This was to prove excellent wives, mothers, and mistresses
regarded in the light of a serious misfortune by my  of families, and who were, metaphorically speaking,
two young aunts, Caroline and Maria, who might the twenty thousand pound prizes in the matrihave instructed gray hairs in lessons of worldly  monial lottery, were generally left in the wheel,
wisdom, and both possessed what is vulgarly term- while the blanks and tickets of trifling value were
ed a sharp eye for the main chance. They calcu- drawn over and over again; but, for his part, he
lated with a clearness and accuracy truly wonderful knew so much of men, that he would recommend
at their age-for the elder of the twain had not all his daughters to remain single."  Notwithstandcompleted her eighteenth year at the period of  ing this declaration of the old gentleman, it was
which I speak-the expense of our board, clothes, evident enough that he was inwardly chagrined at
education, and the general diminution of their the unaccountable circumstance of his lovely Honor,
comforts and chances of forming advantageous ma- his sensible, clever girl, the pride of his eyes, and
trimonial settlements, which would be occasioned  the darling of his heart, being unmarried at thirty
by our residence with my grandfather; and they  years of age; or as her younger sisters, in the indid not of course forget the great probability of his solence of their only attraction, youth, called her
providing for us in his will, which would naturally  an " old maid."
take something from  their portions of the inheri-    No! that he would not allow-" thirty"-she
tance. Under the influence of such feelings, they  was in the prime of her days still, and, in his eyes,
not only used every means in their power to prc- as handsome as ever; —certainly wiser and better
vent our reception in their father's house, but after than when she was in her teens-far more likely to
we were, through the influence of Aunt Honor, ad- be the choice of a sensible man than either of her
mitted, they treated us with a degree of unkindness  younger sisters-and he would bet a hundred
that amounted to actual persecution. All our little  guineas that she would be married now  before
faults were repeated by them in the most exaggera- either of them.
ted terms to my grandmother; and, but for the    "Certainly, papa, if wedlock goes by turn, she
affectionate protection which Aunt Honor extended  ought to be," would Aunt Caroline rejoin, "for you
towards us, we should have experienced much  know she is twelve years older than I."
harshness in consequence of these misrepresenta-    "She might, however, make haste, if she thinks
tions, but her tenderness made up to us for all de- of getting married now," would Aunt Maria add,
ficiencies in other quarters. She was to us in the  with a silly giggle, "for she is getting quite veneplace of mother, father, and every other tie of kin- rable; and, for my part, if I do not marry by the
dred: she was by turns our nurse, preceptress, and  time I am one-and-twenty, I am sure I shall conplayfellow. Our love, our duty, our respect, were  sider myself an old maid."
all lavished on her; she was our kind aunt, our    "There will be some wisdom in accustoming
dear aunt, our good aunt; and well do I remember yourself to the title betimes, since it may very
being tied to the leg of the table for a whole morning  probably be your portion through life, young lady,"
by my grandmother, as a punishment for exclaim- retorted my grandfather, on one occasion: "at
ing, in the fulness of my heart, that " she was my  any rate, no man of taste and sense will be likely
pretty aunt, and aunts Maria and Caroline were my  to prefer you to such a woman as your sister
two old, ugly, cross aunts."  The rage of the in- Honor."  But here my grandmother, who always
jured juniors, by twelve years, may be imagined  made a sort of party with her younger daughters,
at this rash proof of my devotion to their eldest interposed, and said, "It really was quite absurd
sister; nor could Aunt Honor, with any degree of that Honor should put herself so forward in enprudence or propriety, interfere to avert the casti- gaging the attention of gentlemen, who might possigation which my young aunts bestowed upon me in  bly fix their regards on her younger sisters, prothe shape of boxes on the ears, too numerous to re- vided she would but keep a little in the background,
cord, in addition to the penance of being confined  and remember that her day was gone by. She had
to the leg of grandmamma's work-table.  Consider- for some unaccountable reason permitted several
ing me, however, in the light of a martyr in her opportunities of forming a good establishment to
cause, she made me more than ample amends in  slip by, and now she ought to allow her sisters a
private for all I had suffered, and loaded me with  fair chance in their turn, and submit to her own
the most endearing caresses, while she reproved  destiny with a good grace."
me for having said such improper things to aunts    And Aunt Honor did submit, not only with a good
Caroline and Maria.                             grace, but with a temper perfectly angelical, not
My grandmother, who, for the misfortune of her only to a destiny of blighted hopes and wasted
husband, was married long before she knew how  feelings, but to all invidious taunts with which it
to conduct a house with any degree of propriety, was imbittered by those to whom she had been
was one of those foolish women who occasionally  ever ready to extend her generous kindness, whenboast of their own early nuptials to their unmarried  ever it was required. She never hesitated to sacridaughters, with ill-timed remarks on their compar- fice her own pleasure, if she thought it would be
ative tardiness in forming suitable matrimonial conducive to theirs. Her purse, her ornaments,
alliances, which has too often piqued the mortified  her talents, and industry, were at their service on
maidens into contracting most unsuitable matches,  all occasions, and though it was far from pleasing
that they might avoid the reproach of celibacy: to her to be either artfully manceuvred, or rudely
the fruitful source from which so many ill assorted  thrust out of her place by the juvenile pair, who
and calamitous marriages have proceeded.        had formed an alliance offensive and defensive




MY AUNT HONOR.                                         687
against her, yet she did not attempt to contest with  coming happy wives and useful members of society.
them the usurped rights and privileges of eldership, Aunt Honor would have smiled at the folly of the
or to struggle for the ascendency she had hitherto  latter inuendoes, had she not felt inclined to weep
enjoyed in the family; nor did she boast of her at their unkindness.
youthful charms, or the multiplicity of her former    In the midst of one of these scenes, of now alconquests, in reply to the insolence with which she  most daily occurrence, the whole party received
was daily annoyed.  She was too dignified to ap- tickets of invitation to a ball, given by Sir Edward
pear to regard these things; yet doubtless she felt Grosvenor, in honor of having been chosen, after
them, and felt them keenly; her heart knew its own  a contested election, as one of the representatives
bitterness, yet suffered it not to overflow in angry, of his native county.  Sir Edward Grosvenor, who
useless retorts.  She kept the quiet even tenor of  had passed his youth in India, where he had greatly
her way, under all provocations, with silent mag- signalized himself under the banners of the Marquis
nanimity; and sought in the active performance of of Hastings, had only recently returned to England,
her duties, a resource from vain regrets and fruit- to take possession of his estates on the death of' his
less repinings; andif a sigh did occasionally escape  elder brother without heir male. Nothing  could
her, it was smothered ere fully breathed.         exceed the exultation of my grandmother and her
Tile village in which we resided was one of those  two youngest daughters, at the prospect of a flatdull, stagnating sort of places, in which years pass tering introduction into the house of so distinguishaway without any visible change appearing to be  ed a character as their wealthy baronet neighbor,
effected.  The inhabitants were few, and these, for of whom fame reported noble things, and who was
the most part, beneath us in situation; for my  a very handsome man in the prime of life, not exgrandfather was a man of family, though his fortune  ceeding, as the date of his birth in the baronetage
was inadequate to the expenses attendant on enter- of England stated, his six-and thirtieth year.
ing into that society with which alone he would    Visions of a title, equipage, and wealth, floated
have permitted his wife and daughters to mix. over the brains of aunts Caroline and Maria, as
Latterly, however, my two younger aunts con- their delighted eyes glanced over the tickets. There
trived to engage in a general round of expensive  was but one drawback to these felicitous anticipavisiting with the surrounding gentry, without pay- tions-the difficulty of procuring dresses suitable
ing the slightest regard to  his disapprobation. for such an occasion.
Their mother upheld them in this line of conduct,    They looked in eager inquiry at their mother;
and had recourse to many painful expedients, in  she shook her head.  "I cannot do any thing to
order to furnish them with the means of appearing  forward your wishes," said she, "for reasons too
like other young people, as she termed it, and we  obvious to you both:"-but after a pause she
had all to suffer the pains and penalties of a stinted  added, " Your sister Honor can assist you, if she
table in consequence. Aunt Honor was of course  pleases."  They both turned to Honor with implorexcluded firom all these gay doings, and her allow- ing glances.  "In this instance it will not be in my
ance was very irregularly paid, and sometimes  power," observed Honor, gravely.
wholly diverted from its proper channel, to supply    "You have only just received your quarterly
her younger sisters with ball-dresses, or to satisfy  allowance from your father," said her mother.
the clamorous milliner, who would not depart with-    "I have already appropriated part of the sum to
out the payment of at least a part of the bills my  the purchase of a few necessaries for my orphan
grandmother had imprudently permitted her selfish  nephew and niece," replied she, " and the residue,
favorites to contract, when ready money to pro- which would be quite inadequate for your purpose,
cure some indispensable piece of finery, to be worn  will be barely sufficient to supply me with a simple
at places of more than ordinary attraction, could  dress of book-muslin, with shoes and gloves requinot be obtained.                                  site for this occasion."
Our house, in former times so quiet and respect-   "For this occasion!" echoed both her sisters in a
able, was now the resort of the thoughtless, the  breath; "surely you do not think of going to the
gay, and the extravagant.  Our peace was broken  ball?"
by the domiciliary visits of duns, to get rid of    "Why not?" demanded Honor, calmly.
whom, a system  of falsehood, equivocation, and    "You are so-"
blandishment, was made use of, which rendered    "Old, you would say, Caroline," continued Aunt
our family despicable in the eyes of servants, and  Honor coolly, finishing the sentence for her; "only,
mean even in our own. Aunt Honor reasoned, en- as you happen to want money of me to-day, you
treated, and represented the evil and moral injus- are rather more cautious of wounding my feelings
tice of these things in vain. Her mother told her than is usual with you."
"she was mistress of her own house, and would do    " Well, but really, Honor, I do not see what
as she thought proper," and her two sisters inform- good your going to a ball would do."-" None," ined her, "that they had no ambition to become old  terposed her mother; "and I thought you had
maids like her, which would infallibly be the case if given up these sort of things long ago."
they were confined to the dull solitude which their    "Is it not your intention to accept the ticket
father preserved, and she appeared inclined to  which Sir Edward Grosvenor has sent for you,
enforce."                                         mamma?" asked Honor.
Aunt Honor represented, in reply, that they    "Of course it is; your sisters could not, with any
were not pursuing a course very likely to lead to  degree of propriety, go without me."
the desired goal of the temple of Hymen; and re-    "Then I shall do myself the pleasure of accomceived, in return, a retort of more than usual panying you," said Honor, quietly.
aggravation.  She was accused of malice, of envy,    The elder sisters of Cinderella never said more
and an unsisterly desire of depriving the youthful insulting things to that far-famed heroine of fairy
maidens of the pleasure belonging to their time of  lore, to prevent her from trying her chance in fit,
life; and worse than all, of the opportunity of be- ting the glass slipper, than were uttered by Caro



3688                                     LIBELLERS.
line and Maria to dear Aunt Honor from going to  he added, in a whisper that was meant for no other
the ball. She listened to them  with her usual ear than hers, "sighed to possess this honor, of
mildness of temper, yet persevered in her resolu- which the cold considerations of rank and etiquette
tion.                                           can never possess sufficient power to deprive me."
I think I never saw her look so beautiful as on    Can any one believe that Aunt Honor was fastithat eventful evening, when attired in modest, sim- dious enough to examine too critically the merits
ple elegance, she was led by my grandfather to the of the pun which a faithful lover, under such circarriage, in spite of all opposition from the adverse cumstances, ventured on her name?
parties. I, of course, was not included in the party;   There was not, perhaps, one lady in the room
but I can readily imagine that the surprise and that would not have been proud of being the woman
envy of the mortified sisters of Cinderella, on en- to whom  Sir Edward Grosvenor addressed that
tering the room where the hitherto despised victim  whispered compliment; but there was none to whom
of their persecutions was dancing with her princely  it was so well due as to her whom he delighted to
partner, did not exceed that of my juvenile aunts, honor; for she was the love of his youth, who, for
when they beheld the hero of the night-the gallant his sake, had faithfully endured years of expectaand admired Sir Edward Grosvenor —greet old tion and delay, with no other assurance of his reHonor, as they disparagingly styled their elder, membrance and constancy than that hope which
with the deferential yet tender air of a lover; and  keeps alive despair, and survives all the fading
passing over, not only themselves, but many others flowers of youthful affection-that fond reliance on
of the young, the fair, the highborn stars of the his regard, which would not suffer her to imagine
evening, and entreating to open the ball with her-  that he could be false or forgetful. Nor was the
a distinction which was modestly declined by her, object of such devoted love undeserving of feelings
with equal sweetness and propriety, on the plea that like these. He too had had his sufferings: he had
there were others of high rank present, who were, endured paternal wrath, expulsion from his home,
according to etiquette, better entitled  to that years of exile, of poverty, and of suspense.
honor.                                             "But it is all over now," he whispered, as he dash" Ionor!" exclaimed the gallant knight of the ed an intrusive tear from his sun-burned cheek. "I
suffered for Honor! I fought for Honor! and the
residue of my days will, I trust, be passed with
Honor!"
It was a proud day for my grandfather, when he
bestowed his beloved daughter on Sir Edward Grosta?~)?i!.   vrenor at the marriage altar;' and he did not fail to
~: ~"'~  ]Ii'~, tlI~'      take due credit to himself on the verification of his.prediction. As for my aunts Caroline and Maria, I
think I had better say nothing of their feelings on,''.    "~'"   \R"-~ x7  the occasion; but, for the warning of such of the
i>11]   xIjuvenile readers of these pages who may feel inI tr    i  /cl el  \ dined, in the thoughtless presumption of early
~f         \ i  h 1'.- e           youth, to brand older-and, perchance, fairer females than themselves-with the contemptuous
epithet of old maids, I feel myself compelled to record the mortifying fact, that these two luckless';tl!~ /[/~111i'"'~ M  t ~l/ftt~ [il]~ >-'/~ ~t sisters of my honored mother remain at this moment spinsters of forty and forty-two years stand1~~1    _~uing, and have acted as bridesmaids to Lady GrosfI~t~l~l.~  2'~ it~~;i~~ -           Lvenor's youngest daughter, without one opportunity
t 0 | ~~~name of old maids, if unmarried at one-and-twenty,
\\'t~l~~   /f'  __ _ ~as they engaged to do when, in the fulness of their
self-conceit, they imagined such a circumstance out
=X,\... ~~_____        of the bounds of human possibility, neither of
them will acknowledge the title at forty; on the
contrary, they endeavor to conceal the ravages of
time under the affectation and airs of excessive
shire, gently possessing himself of her unreluctant youthfulness.
hand; " the honor, I trust, is mine; I have long,"
LIBELLERS.-Literary bravos, supported by illit- A libeller's mouth has been compared to that of
crate cowards. If the receiver of stolen goods be  a volcano-the lighter portions of what it vomits
worse than the thief, so must the purchaser of libels forth are dissipated by the winds, the heavier ones
be more culpable than their author. As the pe- fall back into the throat whence they were disruser of a slanderous journal would write what he  gorged. The aspersions of libellers may, perhaps,
reads, had he the talent, so the actual maligner be better compared to fuller's earth, which, though
would become a malefactor. had he the opportunity  it may seem to dirt you at first, only leaves you
and the courage.'   " He who stabs you in the dark, more pure and spotless, when it is rubbed off.with a pen, would do the same with a pen-knife, Tin Trumpet.
were he equally safe from detection and the law."




PICTORIAL  IIUMOR.                                           689
PICTORIAL HUMOR.
FROM  "t NEW READINGS OF OLD AUTHORS."  BY -- SEYMOUR.
Il~irl                                              H l i'  tll!i K~iii![!!!li)!! f!   _ __ ______________.                                                  rI..
How  bravely thou becom'st thy bed, fresh lily!          You plead  in vain.   I have no room for pity left
Cymbeline. Act 2, Sc. 2.          within me.
Tempest.   Act 4, Sc. 2.




690                                THE ENCHANTED NET.
THE ENCHANTED NET.
BY FRANK E. SMEDLEY.
COULD we only give credit to half we are told,  In a very few words he expressed his intention
There were sundry strange monsters existing of Once for all to decline every Latin declension,
old;                                       When persuaded to add, by the good Father HerAs evinced (on the ex pede Herculean plan,          man,
Which from merely a footstep presumes the whole That most classical tongue to his own native German.
man)                                              And no doubt he was right in
By our Savans disturbing those very large bones,      Point of fact, for a knight in
Which have turned (for the rhyme's sake; perhaps) Those days was supposed to like nothing but fight.
into stones,                                    ing;
And have chosen to wait a                 And one who had learned any language that is hard
Long while hid in strata,                 Would have stood a good chance of being burned
While old Time has been dining on empires and       for a wizard.
thrones.                                    Education being then never pushed to the verge ye
Old bones and dry bones,                 Now see it, was chiefly confined to the clergy.
Leg-bones and thigh-bones,
Bones of the vertebre, bones of the tail, —
Very like, only more so, the bones of a whale;'Twas a southerly wind and a cloudy sky,
Bones that were very long, bones that were very  For aught that I know to the contrary;
short                                      If it wasn't, it ought to have been properly,
(They have never as yet found a real fossil merry- As it's certain Sir Eppo, his feather bed scorning,
thought;                                    Thought that something proclaimed it a fine huntPerchance because mastodons, burly and big,         ing morning;
Considered all funny-bones quite infra dig.)          So pronouncing his benison
Skulls have they found in strange places imbedded,    O'er a cold haunch of venison,
Which, at least, prove their owners were very long- He floored the best half, drank a gallon of beer,
headed;                                    And set out on the Taurus to chase the wild deer.
And other queer things,-which'tis not my intention,
tion,                                       Sir Eppo he rode through the good greenwood,
Lest I weary your patience, at present to mention, Sir Eppo he rode through the g
As I think I can prove, without further apology,    And his bolts flew fast and free;
What I said to be true, sans appeal to geology,  He knocked over a hare, and he passed the lair
That there lived in the good old days gone by   (The tenant was out) of a grisly bear;
Things unknown to our modern philosophy,        He started a wolf, and he got a snap shot
And a giant was then no more out of the way     At a bounding roe, but he touched it not,
Than a dwarf is now in the present day.       Which caused him to mutter a naughty word
In German, which luckily nobody heard,
For he said it right viciously;
Sir Eppo of Epstein was young, brave, and fair;    And he struck his steed with his armed heel,
Dark were the curls of his clustering hair,     As though horse-flesh were tougher than iron or
Dark the moustache that o'ershadowed his lip,       steel,
And his glance was as keen as the sword at his Or any thing else that's unable to feel.
hip;
Though the enemy's charge was like lightning's
fierce shock,                               What is the sound that meets his ear?
His seat was as firm as the wave-beaten rock;   Is it the plaint of some wounded deer?
And woe to the foeman, whom pride or mischance  Is it the wild-fowl's mournful cry,
Opposed to the stroke of his conquering lance.  Or the scream of yon eagle soaring high?
He carved at the board, and he danced in the hall, Or is it only the southern breeze
And the ladies admired him, each one and all.   As it sighs through the boughs of the dark pine
In a word, I should say, he appears to have been   trees?
As nice a young " ritter " as ever was seen.    No, Sir Eppo, be sure'tis not any of these:
And hark, again!
It comes more plainHe could not read nor write,'Tis a woman's voice in grief or pain.
He could not spell his name,
Towards being a clerk, Sir Eppo, his (t) mark,
Was as near as he ever came.                    Like an arrow from the string,
He had felt no vexation                         Like a stone that leaves the sling,
From multiplication;                     Like a railroad-train with a queen inside,
Never puzzled was he                     With directors to poke and directors to guide,
By the rule of three;                    Like the rush upon deck when a vessel is sinking,
The practice he'd had                    Like (I vow I'm hard up for a simile) winking!
Did not drive him mad,                   In less time than by name you Jack Robinson can
Because it all lay                           call,
Quite a different way.                   Sir Eppo dashed forward o'er hedge, ditch, and
The Ass's Bridge, that Bridge of Sighs.        I olow,
Had (lucky dog!) ne'er met his eyes.       In a steeple-chase style I'd be sorry to follow,




THE ENCHANTED NET.                                     691
And found a young lady chained up by the ankle-         The sun went down,
Yes, chained up in a cool and business-like way,      The bright stars burned,
As if she'd been only the little dog Tray;              The morning came,
While, the more to secure any knight-errant's pity,   And the knight returned;
She was really and truly excessively pretty.            The net he spread
O'er the giant's bed,
Here was a terrible state of things!            While Eglanltine, and Hare-bell blue,
Down from his saddle Sir Eppo springs,          And some nice green moss on the spot he threw;
As lightly as if he were furnished with wings,  Lest perchance the monster alarm should take,
While every plate in his armor rings.           And not choose to sleep from being too wide awake.
The words that he uttered were short and few,           Hark to that sound!
But pretty much to the purpose too,                     The rocks around
As sternly he asked, with lowering brow,            Tremble-it shakes the very ground;
"Who's been and done it, and where is he now?"         While Irmengard cries,
And tears stream from her eyes,-'Twere long to tell                      A lady-like weakness we must not despise,
Each word that fell                      (And here, let me add, I have been much to blame,
From the coral lips of that demoiselle;         As I long ago ought to have mentioned her name):
However, as far as I'm able to see,             "Here he comes! now do hide yourself, dear Eppo,
The pith of the matter appeared to be               pray;
That a horrible giant, twelve feet high,        For my sake, I entreat you, keep out of his way."
Having gazed on her charms with a covetous eye,       Scarce had the knight
Had stormed their castle, murdered papa,              Time to get out of' sight
Behaved very rudely to poor dear mamma,         Among some thick bushes, which covered him
Walked off with the family jewels and plate,        quite,
And the tin and herself at a terrible rate;     Ere the giant appeared. Oh! he was such a fright!
Then by way of conclusion                He was very square built, a good twelve feet in
To all this confusion,                       height,
Tied her up like a dog                   And his waistcoat (three yards round the waist)
To a nasty great log,                        seemed too tight;
To induce her (the brute) to become Mrs. Gog;   While, to add even yet to all this singularity,
That'twas not the least use for Sir Eppo to try  IIe had but one eye, and his whiskers were carroty.
To chop off his head, or to poke out his eye,
As he'd early in life done a bit of Achilles
(Which, far better than taking an " Old Parr's life- What an anxious moment!  Will he lie down?
pillp" is),                                Ah, how their hearts beat! he seems to frown, —
Had been dipped in the Styx, or some equally old  No,'tis only an impudent fly that's been teasing
stream,                                    His snublime proboscis, and set him a sneezing.
And might now face unharmed a battalion of              Attish hu! attish hu!
Coldstream.                                         You brute, how I wish you
Were but as genteel as the Irish lady,
But she'd thought of a scheme                     Dear Mrs. O'Grady,
Which did certainly seem                 Who, chancing to sneeze in a noble duke's face,
Very likely to pay —no mere vision or dream: — 
Hoped she hadn't been guilty of splashing his Grace.
It appears that the giant each day took a nap   Now, look out. Yes, he will! No, he won't! By
For an hour (the wretch!) with his head in her lap:  the powers!
Oh, she hated it so! but then what could she do?  I thought he was taking alarm at the flowers;
Here she paused, and Sir Eppo remarked, " Very  But it luckily seems, his gigantic invention
true;"                                    Has at once set them down as a little attention
And that during this time one might pinch, punch, On Irmengard's part,-done by way of suggestion
or shake him,                              That she means to say " Yes," when he next pops
Or do just what one pleased, but that nothing could  the question.
wake him,
While each horse and each man in the emperor's pay
Would not be sufficient to move him away,       There! he's down! now he yawns, and in one minute
Without magical aid, from the spot where he lay.    moreIn an old oak chest, in an up-stairs room       I thought so, he's safe-he's beginning to snore;
Of poor papa's castle, was kept an heir-loom,   He is wrapped in that sleep he shall wake from no
An enchanted net, made of iron links,               more.
Which was brought from Palestine, she thinks,   From his girdle the knight takes a ponderous key;
By her great grandpapa, who had been a Crusader;  t fits-and once more is fair Irmengard free.
If she had but got that, she was sure it would aid
her.
Sir Eppo, kind man,                      From heel to head, and from head to heel,
Approves of the plan;                    They wrap their prey in that net of steel,
Says he'll do all she wishes as quick as he can;  And they crochl the edges together with care,
Begs she won't fret if the time should seem long;  As you finish a purse for a fancy-fair,
Snatches a kiss, which was " pleasant but wrong;" Till the last knot is tied by the diligent pair.
Mounts, and taking a fence in good fox-hunting  At length they have ended their business laborious,
style,                                     And Eppo shouts " Bagged him, by all that is gloSets off for her family'seat on the Weil.          rious!"




692                                 ADVICE TO JOKERS.
No billing and cooing,                  That'll do, love-I'm sure I can move him alone,
You must up and be doing.                 Though I'm certain the brute weighs a good forty
Depend on't, Sir Knight, this is no time for        stone.
wooing;                                     Yo! heave ho! roll him along
You'll discover, unless you progress rather smarter, (It's exceedingly lucky the net's pretty strong);
That catching a giant's like catching a Tartar:  Once more-that's it-there, now, I think
He still has some thirty-five minutes to sleep,  He's done to a turn, he rests on the brink;
Close to this spot hangs a precipice steep,     At it again, and over he goes
Like Shakspere's tall cliff which they show one at To furnish a feast for the hooded crows;
Dover;                                      Each vulture that makes the Taurus his home
Drag him down to the brink, and then let him roll May dine upon giant for months to come."
over
As they scarce make a capital crime of infanti-       Lives there a man so thick of head
cide,.                                    To whom it must in words be said,
There can't be any harm in a little giganticide.      How Eppo did the lady wed,
And built upon the giant's bed
A castle, walled and turreted?
"Pull him, and haul him! take care of his head!       We will hope not; or, if there be,
Oh, how my arms ache-he's as heavy as lead!           Defend us from his company!
ADVICE TO JOKERS.
A NEW work published in London, entitled, "The  puddings, each person employs similar materials,
Hand-Book of Joking," gives the following advice, but the quality of the dish is entirely dependent on
which is worthy of remembrance:                 the skill of the artiste.  As gold becomes refined
"Always let your jokes be well-timed.  Any  by passing through the ordeal of fire, so truth is
time will do for a good joke, but no time will do the purer for being tested by the furnace of fun;
for a bad one. Any place will fit, provided the  for jokes are, to facts, what melting pots are to
joke itself be fitting, but it never fits if a joke be  metal. The utterer of a good joke is a useful memout of its place. No man can order a joke as he ber of society, but the maker of a bad one is a
would his coat, at Stultz's, or his boots at Hoby's. more despicable character than the veriest coiner
Jokes are not only often out of order, but we have by profession.
known jokers ordered out; in short, any man who    "A joke from a gentleman is an act of charity;
attempts to joke out of order, should either be an uncharitable joke is an ungentlemanly act. The
provided with a strait waistcoat, or be kicked  retort courteous is the touchstone of good feeling;
out of society. In concocting jokes as in making the reply churlish the proof of cold-headed stupidity."




A MAN MILLINER.                                       693
A MAN MILLINER.
FROM " TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR."  BY SAMUEL WARREN.
ABOUT ten o'clock one Sunday morning, in the  down, but sit on the bedside, as he did with his arms
month of July, 183-, the dazzling sunbeams which  folded, ready to resume operations if necessary. In
had for many hours irradiated a little dismal back  this posture he remained for some time, watching his
attic in one of the closest courts adjoining Oxford  little fire, and listlessly listening to the discordant
street, in London, and stimulated with their iIlten- jangling of innumerable church-bells, clamorously
sity the closed eyelids of a young man lying in bed, calling the citizens to their devotions. What passed
at length awoke him. He rubbed his eyes for some through his mind was something like the followtime, to relieve himself from the irritation he expe- ing:_
rienced in them; and yawned and stretched his   "Heigho!-Oh, Lord!-Dull as ditch-water!limbs with a heavy sense of weariness, as though  This is my only holiday, yet I don't seem to enjoy
his sleep had not refreshed him. He presently cast it-the fact is, I feel knocked up with my week's
his eyes on the heap of clothes lying huddled to- work.-Lord, what a life mine is, to be sure! Here
gether on the backless chair by the bedside, and  am I, in my eight-and-twentieth year, and for four
where he had hastily flung them about an hour after long years have been one of the shopmen at Dowmidnight; at which time he had returned from a las, Tagrag, Bobbin and Company's-slaving from
great draper's shop in Oxford street, where he  seven o'clock in the morning till ten at night, and
served as a shopman, and where he had nearly  all for a salary of ~35 a year and my board!  And
dropped asleep after a long day's work, while in the  Mr. Tagrag is always telling me how high he's
act of putting up the shutters. He could hardly keep  raised my salary. Thirty-five pounds a-year is all
his eyes open while he undressed, short as was the  I have for lodging, and appearing like a gentleman!
time it took him to do so; and on dropping ex- Oh, Lord, it can't last, for sometimes I feel getting
hausted into bed, there he had continued in deep  desperate-such strange thoughts! Seven shillings
unbroken slumber till the moment he is presented  a-week do I pay for this cursed hole-[he uttered
to the reader. He lay for several minutes, stretch- these words with a bitter emphasis, accompanied by
ing, yawning, and sighing, occasionally casting an  a disgustful look round the little room]-that one
irresolute eye towards the tiny fireplace, where lay  couldn't swing a cat in without touching the four
a modicum of wood and coal, with a tinder-box and  sides!-Last winter, three of our gents (i. o. his fela match or two placed upon the hob, so that he low-shopmen) came to tea with me one Sunday
could easily light his fire for the purposes of shav- night; and bitter cold as it was, we made this d-d
ing and breakfasting.  He stepped at length lazily  doghole so hot we were obliged to open the winout of bed, and when he felt his feet, again yawned  dows! And as for accommodations-I recollect I
and stretched himself, then he lit his fire, placed  had to borrow two nasty chairs from the people behis bit of a kettle on the top of it, and returned to  low, who, on the next Sunday, borrowed my only
bed, where he lay with his eyes fixed on the fire, decanter in return, and, hang them, cracked it!watching the cracking blaze insinuating itself  Curse me, if this life is worth having! It's all the
through the wood and coal. Once, however, it be- very vanity of vanities, and no mistake! Fag, fag,
gan to fail, so he had to get up and assist it by  fag, all one's davs, and-what for? Thirty-five
blowing and bits of paper; and it seemed in so pre- pounds a-year, and'no adv.ance!' Bah, bells! ring
carious a state that he determined not again to lie away till you're all cracked! —Now do you think I'm
N~~~~~~~~~l
I    I=D3
45'  ~~r!I




694                                  A M1AN MILLINER.
going to be mewed up in church on this the only  heated with the progress of his reflections, clasping
day out of the seven I've got to sweeten myself in, his hands with involuntary energy, as he stretched
and sniff fresh air? A precious joke that would be! them out to their fullest extent, to give effect to a
Whew!-after all, I'd as leave sit here; for what's very hearty yawn, "Lord, only think how it would
the use of my going out?  Every body I see out is sound!
happy, excepting me, and the poor chaps that are        SIR TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE BARONET.
like me!-Everv body laughs when they see me, and
know that I'm only a tallow-faced counter-jumper,    "The very first place I'd go to after I'd got my
for whom it's no use to go out!-Oh, Lord! what's title, and was rigged out in Stultze's tip-top, should
the use of being good-looking, as some chaps say I be —our cursed shop, to buy a dozen or two pair of
am?"-Here he instinctively passed his left hand  white kid. What a flutter there would be among
through a profusion of sandy-colored hair, and cast the poor pale devils as were standing, just as ever,
an eye towards the bit of fractured looking-glass behind the counters, at Dowlas, Tagrag and Co.'s,
that hung against the wall, and which, by faithfully  when my carriage drew up, and I stepped into the
representing to him a by no means plain set of  shop! Tagrag would come and attend to me himfeatures (despite the dismal hue of his hair) when- self. No he wouldn't-pride wouldn't let him. I
ever he chose to appeal to it, had afforded him more  don't know, though; what wouldn't he do to turn a
enjoyment than any other object in the world for penny, and make two and ninepence into three and
years.  "Ah, Lord! many and many's the fine gal a penny. I shouldn't quite come Captain Stiff over
I've done my best to attract the notice of, while I him; but I should treat him with a kind of an air,
was serving her in the shop,-that is, when I've  too, as if-hem! how delightful!"  A sigh and a
seen her get out of a carriage! There has been  pause. "Yes, I should often come to the shop.
luck to many a chap like me, in the same line of  Gad, it would be half the fun of my fortune! And
speculation; look at Tom Tarnish-how did he get they would envy me, to be sure! How one should
Miss Twang, the rich piano-forte maker's daughter?  enjoy it! I wouldn't think of marrying till-and
-and now he's cut the shop, and lives at Hackney  yet I won't say either; if I get among some of them
like a regular gentleman! Ah! that was a stroke! out and outers-those first-rate articles-that lady,
But somehow, it hasn't answered with me yet: the  for instance, the other day in the Park-I should
gals don't take! Lord, how I have set my eyes and  like to see her cut me as she did, with ten thousand
ogled them-all of them don't seem to dislike the  a-year in my pocket! Why, she'd be running after
thing —and sometimes they'll smile, in a sort of way  Qme, or there's no truth in novels, which I'm sure
that says I'm safe-but'tis no use, not a bit of it!-  there's often a great deal in. Oh, of course, I
My eyes! catch me, by the way, ever nodding again  might marry whom  I pleased. Who couldn't be
to a lady on the Sunday, that had smiled when I got with ten thousand a-yearl"  Another pause.
stared at her while serving her in the shop-after  " I should go abroad to Russia directly; for they
what happened to me a month or two ago in the  tell me there's a man lives there who could dye this
Park!  Didn't I feel like damaged goods,just then!  hair of mine any color I liked-egad! I'd come
But, it's no matter, women are so different at differ- home as black as a crow, and hold up my head as
ent times!-Very likely I mismanaged the thing.-  high as any of them!  While I was about it, I'd
By the way, what a precious puppy of a chap the  have a touch at my eyebrows"-Crash went all his
fellow was that came up to her at the time she  castle-building at the sound of his tea-kettle, hissstepped out of her carriage to walk a bit! As for ing, whizzing, sputtering in the agonies of boiling
good looks-cut me to ribbons"-another glance at over; as if the intolerable heat of the fire had
the glass-" no; I ain't afraid there, neither-but, driven desperate the poor creature placed upon it,
heigh-ho! I suppose he was, as they say, born with  who instinctively tried thus to extinguish the cause
a golden spoon in his mouth, and never so many  of its anguish. Having taken it off and placed it
thousand a-year, to make up to him for never so few  upon the hob, and placed on the fire a tiny fragbrains! He was uncommon well dressed though, I ment of fresh coal, he began to make preparations
must own. What trowsers! —they stuck so natural for shaving, by pouring some of the hot water into
to him, he might have been born in them. And  an old tea-cup, which was presently to serve for the
his waistcoat, and satin stock-what an air!  And  purpose of breakfast. Then he spread out a bit of
yet, his figure was nothing very out of the Bva-y! crumpled whity-brown paper, that had folded up a
His gloves, as white as snow!  I've no doubt he  couple of segars which he had bought over-night for
wears a pair of them a-day-my stars! that's three  the Sunday's special enjoyment-and which, if he
and sixpence a-day, for don't I know what they  had supposed they had come from any place beyond
cost?-Whew! if I had but the cash to carry on  the four seas, I imagine him to have been slightly
that sort of thing!-And when he had seen her into  mistaken. He placed this bit of paper on the little
her carriage-the horse he got on!-and what a mantel-piece; drew his solitary, well-worn razor
tip-top groom-that chap's wages, I'll answer for it, several times across the palm  of his left hand;
were equal to my salary!"  Here was a long pause. dipped his brush, worn within the third of an inch
"Now, just for the fun of the thing, only suppose  to the stump, into the hot water; presently passed
luck was to befall me. Say somebody was to leave  it over as much of his face as he intended to shave;
me lots of cash-many thousands a-year, or some- then rubbed on the damp surface a bit of yellow
thing in that line! My stars! wouldn't I go it with  soap —and in less than five minutes Mr. Titmouse
the best of them!"  Another long pause.  " Gad, I was a shaved man. But mark-don't suppose that
really should hardly know how to begin to spend  he had performed an extensive operation.  One
it!-I think, by the way, I'd buy a title to set off  would have thought him anxious to get rid of as
with-for what won't money buy?  The thing's much as possible of his abominable sandy-colored
often done-there was a great biscuit-maker in the  hair-quite the contrary.
city, the other day, made a baronet of, all for his   Every hair of his spreading whiskers was sacred
money-and why shouldn't I?" He grew a little  from the touch of steel; and a bushy crop of hair




A  MAN  MILLINER.                                       695
stretched underneath his chin, coming curled out (to purchase which he had sold a serviceable silver
on each side of it, above his stock, like two little  watch) which had been carefully wrapped up in cothorns or tusks. An imperial —i. e., a dirt-colored  ton wool; from which soft depository, also, he drew
tuft of hair, permitted to grow perpendicularly down  HIs  RING (those must have been sharp eyes that
the upper lip of puppies-and a pair of promising  could tell, at a distance, and in a hurry, that it was
mustachios, poor Mr. Titmouse had been compelled  not diamond), which he placed on the stumpy little
to sacrifice some time before, to the tyrannical finger of his red and thick right hand-and contemwhimsies of his vulgar employers, Messrs. Dowlas plated its sparkle with exquisite satisfaction.
and Tagrag, who imagined them not to be exactly    Having proceeded thus far with his toilet, he sat
suitable appendages for counter-jumpers.  So that down to his breakfast, spreading the shirt he had
it will be seen that the space shaved over on this taken off upon his lap, to preserve his white trowoccasion was somewhat circumscribed. This opera- sers from spot or stain-his thoughts alternating
tion over, he took out of his trunk an oWd dirty- between his late waking vision and his purposes for
looking pomatum-pot.  A little of its contents, ex- the day. He had no butter, having used the last
tracted on the tips of his two forefingers, he stroked  on the preceding morning; so he was fain to put
carefully into his eyebrows; then spreading some  up with dry bread-and very dry and teeth-trying
on the palms of his hands, he rubbed it vigorously  it was, poor fellow-but his eye lit on his ring!
into his stubborn hair and whiskers for some quar- Having swallowed two cups of his quasi-coffee,
ter of an hour; and then combed and brushed his (eugh! such stuff!) he resumed his toilet, by drawhair into half a dozen different dispositions-so fas- ing out of his other trunk his blue surtout, with emtidious in that matter was Mr. Titmouse. Then he  bossed silk buttons and velvet collar, and an outside
dipped the end of a towel into a little water, and  pocket in the left breast.  Having smoothed down'
twisting it round his right fore-finger, passed it a few creases, he put it on. Then, before him the
gently over his face, carefully avoiding his eye- little vulgar fraction of a glass, he stood twitching
brows, and the hair at the top, sides, and bottom of about the collar, and sleeves, and front, so as to
his face, which he then wiped with a dry corner of make them sit well; concluding with a careful elonthe towel; and no further did Mr. Tittlebat Tit- gation of the wristbands of his shirt, so as to show
mouse think it necessary to carry his ablutions. their whiteness gracefully beyond the cuff of his
Had he been able to "see himself as others saw  coat-sleeve-and he succeeded in producing a sort
him," in respect of those neglected regions which  of white boundary line between the blue of his coatlay somewhere behind and beneath his ears, he  sleeve and the red of his hand. At that usefulmemmight not possibly have thought it superfluous to  ber he could not help looking with a sigh, as he had
irritate them with a little soap and water; but, after often done before-for it was not a handsome hand.
all, he knew best; it might have given him cold; It was broad and red, and the fingers were thick
and besides, his hair was very thick and long be- and stumpy, and very coarse deep wrinkles at every
hind, and might, perhaps, conceal any thing that joint.  His nails also were flat and shapeless; and
was unsightly.  Then Mr. Titmouse drew from un- he used to be continually gnawing them, till he had
derneath the bed a bottle of Warren's "incompara- succeeded in getting them down to the quick-and
ble blacking," and a couple of brushes, with great they were a sight to set a Christian's teeth on edge.
labor and skill polishing his boots up to a wonder- Then he extracted from the first-mentioned trunk a
ful point of brilliancy.  Having washed his hands, white pocket-handkerchief-an exemplary one, that
and replaced his blacking implements under the  had gone through four Sundays' show (not use, be
bed, he devoted a few moments to boiling about it understood,) and yet was capable of exhibition
three teaspoonfuls of coffee (as it was styled on the  again.  A pair of sky-colored kid gloves next made
paper from which he took, and in which he had  their appearance; which, however, showed such
bought it-whereas it was, in fact, chicory.)  Then  barefaced marks of former service as rendered inhe drew forth from his trunk a calico shirt, with  dispensable a ten  minutes' rubbing with  bread
linen wristbands and collars, which had been worn  crumbs.  His Sunday hat, carefully covered with
only twice since its last washing-i. e., on the pre- silver-paper, was next gently removed from its wellceding two Sundays-and put it on, taking great worn box-ah, how lightly and delicately did he
care not to rumple a very showy front, containing  pass his smoothing hand round its glossy surface!
three little rows of frills; in the middle one of  Lastly, he took down a thin black cane, with a gilt
which he stuck three "studs," connected together head, and full brown tassel, from a peg behind the
with two little gilt chains, looking exceedingly sty- door-and his toilet was complete. Laying down
lish-especially coupled with a span-new satin stock, his cane for a moment, he passed his hands again
which he next buckled round his neck. Having put through his hair, arranging it so as to fall nicely on
on his bright boots (without, I am sorry to say, any  each side beneath his hat, which he then placed
stockings) he carefully insinuated his legs into a  upon his head, with an elegant inclination towards
pair of white trowsers, for the first time since their the left side. He was really not bad-looking, in
last washing; and what with his short stiraps and  spite of his sandy-colored hair. His forehead, to be
high braces, they were so tight that you would have  sure, was contracted, and his eyes of a very light
feared their bursting, if he should have sat hastily. color, and a trifle too protuberant; but his mouth
I am almost afraid that I shall hardly be believed, was rather well-formed, and being seldom closed,
but it is a fact, that the next thing that he did was exhibited very beautiful teeth; and his nose was of
to attach a pair of spurs to his boots; —but, to be  that description which generally passes for a Roman
sure, it was not impossible that he might intend to  nose. His countenance wore generally a smile, and
ride during the day.  Then he put on a queer kind  was expressive of-self-satisfaction; and surely any
of under-waistcoat, which in fa4 was only a roll-collar expression is better than none at all. As for the
of rather faded pea-green silk, 4ad designed to set off slightest trace of intellect in it, I should be misleada very fine flowered damson-colored silk waistcoat; ing the reader if I were to say any thing of the sort.
over which he drew a massive mosaic gold chain  He was about five feet five inches in height, and




696                                   A MAN MILLINER.
rather strongly set, with a little tendency to round  possessed of his magnificent rival's means and opshoulders; but his limbs were pliant and his motions portunities for the perpetration of gentlemanly
nimble.                                         frauds on a splendid scale. But we shall, perhaps,
Here you have, then, Mr. Tittlebat Titmouse to  see by and by. He walked along with leisurely
the life-certainly no more than an average sample  step; for haste and perspiration were vulgar, and
of his kind. Well-he                            he had the day before him.
put his hat on, as I have                          Observe the careless glance of self-satisfaction
said; buttoned the low-                          with which he occasionally regarded his bright
est two buttons of his                           boots, with their martial appendage, giving out a
surtout, and stuck his                          faint tingling sound as he heavily trod the broad
white  pocket-handker-                 -        flags; his spotless trowsers, his tight surtout, and
chief into the outside                          the tip of white handkerchief peeping accidentally
pocket in front, as al-                          out in front! A pleasant sight it was to behold
ready  mentioned, dis-                           him in a chance rencontre with some one genteel
posing it so as to let a                        enough to be recognized-as he stood, resting on
little of it appear above                        his left leg; his left arm stuck upon his hip; his
the edge of the pocket,                         right leg easily bent outwards; his right hand
with a sort of careful                          lightly holding his ebon cane, with the gilt head of
carelessness-a graceful                         which he occasionally tapped his teeth; and his
contrast to the blue;                           eyes, half-closed, scrutinizing the face and figure of
drew  on his gloves;                            each "pretty gal" as she passed! This was indeed
took his cane in his                             happiness, as far as his forlorn condition could adhand; drained the last                          mit of his enjoying it. He had no particular object
sad remnant in his cof-                         in view. A tiff over night with two of his shopfee-cup; and, the sun                   i       mates had broken off a party which they had agreed
shining in the full splen-                      the Sunday preceding in forming, to go to Greendor of a July noon, and                         wich on the ensuing Sunday; and this little circumpromising  a  glorious                          stance a little soured his temper, depressed as were
day, forth sallied this                         his spirits before. He resolved to-day to walk
poor fellow, an Oxford                          straight on, and dine somewhere a little way out of
street  Adonis, going                           town, by way of passing the time till four o'clock,
forfh conquering and to                         at which hour he intended to make his appearance
conquer!  Petty finery without, a pinched and  in Hyde Park, "to see the fashions," which was his
stinted stomach within; a case of Back versus Belly  favorite Sunday occupation.
(as the lawyers would say) the plaintiff winning in    His condition was, indeed, forlorn in the extreme.
a canter! Forth sallied, I say, Mr. Titmouse, down  To say nothing of his prospects in life-what was
the narrow, creaking, close staircase, which he had his present condition? A shopman, with ~35 a-year,
not quitted before he heard exclaimed from an op- out of which he had to find his clothing, washing,
posite window, "My eyes, ain't that a swell!"  He lodging, and all other incidental expenses-his
felt how true the observation was, and that at that board being found him by his employers. He was
moment he was somewhat out of his element; so he five weeks in arrear to his landlady-a corpulent
hurried on, and soon reached the great broad street, old termagant, whom  nothing could have induced
apostrophized by the celebrated Opium-Eater, with  him to risk offending, but his overmastering love of
bitter feeling, as-" Oxford street!-stony-hearted  finery; for I grieve to say, that this deficiency had
step-mother!-Thou that listenest to the sighs of been occasioned by his purchase of the ring he then
orphans, and drinkest the tears of children." Here, wore with so much pride. How he had contrived
though his spirits were not just then very buoyant, to pacify her-lie upon lie as he must have had rethe poor dandy breathed more freely than when he  course to-I know not. He was in debt, too, to his
was passing through the nasty crowded  court poor washerwoman in six or seven shillings for
(Closet Court) which he had just quitted.  He  nearly a quarter's washing; and owed five times
passed and met hundreds who, like himself, seemed  that amount to a little old tailor, who, with huge
released for a precious day's interval from intense  spectacles on his nose, turned up to him, out of a
toil and miserable confinement during the week; little cupboard which he occupied in Closet Court,
but there were not many of them who had any pre- and which Titmouse had to pass whenever he went
tensions to vie with him in elegance of appearance-  to or from  his lodgings, a lean, sallow, wrinkled
and that was a luxury! Who could do justice to  face, imploring him to "settle his small account."
the air with which he strutted along?  He felt as All the cash in hand which he had to meet continhappy, poor soul, in his little ostentation, as his Co- gencies between that day and quarter-day, which
rinthian rival in tip-top turnout, after twice as long, was six weeks off, was about twenty-six shillings, of
and as anxious, and fifty times as expensive prepara- which he had taken one for the present day's extions for effective public display!  Nay, my poor penses!
swell was greatly the superior of such a one as I   Revolving these somewhat disheartening matters
have alluded to. Titmouse did, to a great degree, in his mind, he passed easily and leisurely along the
bedizen his back at the expense of his belly; where- whole length of Oxford street. No one could have
as, the Corinthian exquisite, too often taking advan- judged from his dressy appearance, the constant
tage of station and influence, recklessly both sati- smirk on his face, and his confident air, how very
ates his appetite within, and decorates his person  miserable that poor dandy was; but three-fourths
without, at the expense of innumerable heart-aching  of his misery were occasioned by the impossibility
creditors. I do not mean, however, to claim any  he felt of his ever being able to indulge in his proreal merit for Titmouse on this score, because I am  pensities for finery and display. Nothing better
not sure how he would act if he were to become  had he to occupy his few thoughts. He had had




THE FIRST-FLOOR LODGER.                                  697
was yet early, and considering that the farthest he
went from town the better prospect there was of his
X Ad  =9/  \\  19!1        being able, with a little sacrifice of appearances, to
get a dinner consistent with the means he carried
about with him, viz., one shilling, he pursued his
way a mile or two beyond Bayswater, and, sure
enough, came at length upon a nice little public\   house on the roadside, called the Squaretoes Arms.
Very tired, and quite smothered with dust, he first
sat down in a small back room to rest himself; and
took the opportunity to call for a clothes-brush and
shoe-brush, to relieve his clothes and boots from
the heavy dust upon them. Having thus attended
m to his outer man, as far as circumstances would permit, he bethought himself of his inner man, whose
cravings he satisfied with a pretty spbstantial mutton-pie and a pint of porter. This fare, together
with a penny to the little girl who waited on him,
cost him tenpence; and having somewhat refreshed
himself; he began to think of returning to town.
Havincg lit one of his two segars, he sallied forth,
puffing along with an air of quiet enjoyment. DinA\..... Oner, however humble, seldom fails, especially when
@h\\h iaccompanied by a fair draught of good porter, in
some considerable degree to tranquillize the animal'
spirits; and that soothing effect began soon to be
experienced by Mr. Titmouse. The sedative cause
he erroneously attributed to the segar he was
only a plain mercantile education, as it is called, smoking; whereas in fact the only tobacco he had
i. e., reading, writing, and arithmetic: beyond a imbibed was from the porter. But, however that
very moderate acquaintance with these, he knew  might be, he certainly returned towards town in a
nothing whatever; not having read more than a few  far calmer and even more cheerful humor than that
novels, and plays, and plays, and sporting newspapers. in which he had quitted it an hour or two before.
On he walked towards Bayswater; and finding it
THE FIRST-FLOOR LODGER.
ANONYMOUS.
There are two lodged together.-SHiAKSPERE.
IT so0 happens that, throughout my life, I have sirable circle"-" Airy situation"-'"Limited numhad occasion only for half a house, and, from mo- ber of guests"-" Every attention"-and  " no
tives of economy, have been unwilling to pay rent children."
for a whole one; but-there can be on earth, I find,   Next, was the commanding -at the very "head
no resting-place for him who is so unhappy as to  and front" of the Morning Post.  "Vicinity of the
want only "half a house."  In the course of the fashionable Squares!"-" Two persons, to increase
last eight years, I have occupied one hundred and  society"-" Family of condition"-and "Terms at
forty-three different lodgings, running the gauntlet Mr. Sams's, the bookseller's."
twice through all London and Westminster, and,   Then came the irresistible.  " Widow of an offioftener than I can remember, the "'out-parishes" cer of rank"-" Unprotected early in life" —"Dethrough! As "two removes" are as bad as a fire, sirous to extend family circle"-" Flatters herself,"
it follows that I have gone seventy-one times and a etc. Moonshine all together! "Desirable circle"
half through the horrors of conflagration! And, in -a bank clerk and five daughters who wanted husevery place where I have lived, it has been my fate bands. Brandy and water after supper, and booby
to be domiciled with a monster! But my voice from Devonshire snapt up before my eyes. Little
shall be heard, as a voice upon the house-top, cry- boy, too, in the family, that belonged to a sister
ing out until I find relief. I have been ten days al- who " had died."  I hate scandal; but I never could
ready in the abode from which I now write, so I find out where that sister had been buried.
cannot, in reason, look to stay more than three or   "Fashionable Square"-The fire, to the fryingfour more. I hear people talk of "the grave" as a pan! The worst item —(on consideration)-in all
lodging (at worst) that a man is "sure of;" but, if my experience. Dishes without meat, and beds
there be one resurrection-man alive when I die, as without blankets. " Terms," " two hundred guineas
sure as quarter-day, I shall be taken up again.  a-year," and surcharges for night-candle. And, as
The first trial I endured when I came to London, for dinner! as I am a Yorkshireman, I never knew
was making the tour of all the boarding-houses —  what it meant while I was in Manchester Square!
being deluded, I believe, seriatim, by every pre-   I have had two step-mothers, Mr. Editor, and I
scriptive form of " advertisement."             was six months at a preparatory school, but I never
First, I was lured by the pretence modest-this saw a woman since I was born cut meat like Lady
appeared in The Times all the year round.  "De- Catharine Skinflint!  There was a transparency




698                              -THE FIRST-FLOOR LODGER.
about her slice which (after a good luncheon) one  fore I would choose again, I was the sworn horror
could pause and look at. She would cover you a of every auctioneer and house-agent (so called) in
whole plate with fillet of veal and ham, and not in- London. I refused twenty offers, at least, because
crease the weight of it half an ounce.          they had the appearance of being " great bargains."
And then the Misses Skinflints-for knowledge of Eschewed all houses as though they had the plague,
anatomy-their cutting up a fowl!-In the puniest in which I found that "single gentlemen were prehalf-starved chicken that ever broke the heart of a ferred."  Was threatened with three actions for
brood-hen to look at, they would find you side-bone, defamation, for questioning the solvency of persons
pinion, drum-stick, liver, gizzard, rump and merry- in business. And, at length, was so lucky as to lMit
thought! and, even beyond this critical acquaint- upon a really desirable mansion!  The "fiamilv"
ance with all admitted-and apocryphal-divisions  perfectly respectable; but had " more room" than
and distinctions, I have caught the eldest of them  was necessary for them. Demanded the "stricte:t
actually inventing new joints, that, even in specula- references," and accepted no inmate for " less than
tion, never before existed!                     a year."  Into this most unexceptionable abode I
I understand the meaning now of the Persian  conveyed myself and my property. Sure I should
salutation-" May your shadow never be less!"  I stay for ever, and doubted whether I ought not to
lost mine entirely in about a fortnight that I staid  secure it at once for ten years instead of one. And
at Lady Skinflint's.                            before I had been settled in the house three quarTwo more hosts took me " at livery" (besides the  ters of an hour, I found that the chimneys -every
"widow" of the " officer of rank")-an apothecary, one of them! smoked, from the top to the bottom!
who made patients of his boarders, and an attorney,   There was guilt, reader, in the landlord's eve, t:he
who looked for clients among them. I got away  moment the first puff drove me out of my drawingfrom the medical gentleman rather hastily, for I room. He made an effort to say something liL. 
found that the pastry-cook who served the house  " damp day;" but the "amen" stuck in his throat.
was his brother; and the lawyer was so pressing  He could not say "amen," when I did cry " God
about "discounts," and "investments of property,"  bless us!"  The whole building, from  the kitchen
that I never ventured to sign my name, even to a to the garret, was infected with the malady.  I had
washing-bill, during the few days I was in his house; noticed the dark complexions of the family,.n(l
on quitting the which, I took courage, and, resolv- had concluded they were from the West Indies,ing to become my own provider, hired a "First they were smoke-dried:floor," accordingly (" unfurnished") in the neighborhood of Bloomsbury Square.                                     Blow high, blow low I
Mutatio loci, non ineii.  I suffered six weeks under excuses, knowing them
Mutat l to, nonngen.  to be humbug all the while. For a whole month it
The premier coup of my career amounted to an  was' the wind;" but I saw "the wind" veer twice
escape. I ordered a carte blanche outfit from an  all round the compass, and found, blow which way
upholsterer of Piccadilly, determrined to have my  it would, it still blew down my chimney!
"apartments" unexceptionable before I entered    Then we came to " cures."  First, there were althem; and discovered, after a hundred pounds laid  terations at the top-new  chimnley-pots, cowls,
out in painting, decorating, and curtain-fitting, that hovels-and all making the thing worse. Then we
the "'ground landlord" had certain claims which  tried at the bottom-grates reset, and flues conwould be liquidated when my property " went in."  tracted-still to no purpose. Thefi we came to
This miscarriage made me so cautious, that be- burning charcoal; and in four days I was ii. a de



THE FIRST-FLOOR LODGER.                                  699
cline. Then we kept the doors and windows open; habits, having "a larger residence than he wanted,"
and in one day I got a fit of the rheumatism. And  would dispose of half of it to a family of respectain spite of doors or windows, blowers, registers, or bility. But the whole world seemed to be, and I
Count Rumford —precaution in putting on coals, or think is, in a plot to drive me out of my senses. In
mathematical management of poker-down  the  the first ten days of my new dignity, I was visited
enemy would come to our very faces,-poof! poof! by about twenty tax-gatherers, half of them with
-as if in derision! till I prayed heaven that smoke  claims that I had never heard of, and the other half
had life and being, that I might commit murder on  with claims far exceeding my expectations. The
it at once, and so be hanged; and at length, after householder seemed to be the minister's very milch
throwing every movable I could command at the  cow-the positive scape-goat of the whole commugrate and the chimney by turns, and paying "no  nity! I was called on for house-tax, window-tax,
cure no pay" doctors by dozens, who did nothing  land-tax, and servant's-tax!  Poor's-rate, sewers'but make dirt and mischief, I sent for a respectable  rate, pavement-rate, and scavengers'-rate! I had
surveyor, paid him for his opinion beforehand, and  to pay for watering streets on which other people
heard that the fault in the chimneys was "radical," walked; for lighting lamps which other people saw
and not to be remedied without pulling the house  by; for maintaining watchmen who slept all night;
down!                                           and for building churches that I never went into.
I paid my twelvemonth's rent, and wished only  And-I never knew that the country was taxed till
that my landlord might live through his lease. I that moment! —these were but a few of the " dues"
heard afterwards, that he had himself been imposed  to be sheared off from me. There was the clergyupon; and that the house, from the first fire ever man of the parish, whom I never saw, sent to me
lighted in it, had been a scandal to the neighbor- at Easter for " an offering." There was the charityhood. But this whole volume would not suffice to  school of the parish, solicited "the honor" of my
enumerate the variety of wretchedness-and smoky  " subscription and support."  One man came to inchimneys the very least of them! —which drove me form me that I was "drawn for the militia," and
a second time to change my plan of life; the num- offered to " get me off," on payment of a sum of
berless lodgings that I lived in, and the inconveni- money. Another insisted that I was "chosen conences, greater or lesser, attending each. In one stable," and actually brought the insignia of office
place, my servants quarrelled with the servants of to my door. Then I had petitions to read (in
"the people of the house."  In another, "the peo- writing) from all the people who chose to be in disple of the house's" servants quarrelled with mine. tress; personal beggars, who penetrated into my
Here, my housekeeper refused to stay, because the  parlor, to send to Bridewell, or otherwise get rid
kitchen was "damp."  There, my footman begged  of. Windows were broken, and "nobody" had
I would "provide myself," as there were "rats in  " done it."  The key of the street door was lost,
his cockloft."  Then somebody fell over a pail of and" nobody"had "hadit." Thenmy cook stopped
water, left upon "my stairs;" and "my maid" de- up the kitchen "sink;" and the bricklayers took a
dared it was "the other maid" had put it there. month to open it. Then my gutter ran over, and
Then the cats fought; and I was assured that mine flooded my neighbor's garret; and I was served
had given the first scratch. On the whole, the dis- with notice of an action for dilapidation.
putes were so manifold, always ending to my dis-   And at Christmas! —Oh! it was no longer dealcomfiture,-for the lady of the mansion would as- ing with ones and twos!-The whole hundred, on
sail me,-I never could get the gentleman to be the day after that festival, rose up, by concert, to
dissatisfied, (and so conclude the controversy by  devour me!
kicking him down stairs,)-that seeing one clear   Dustmen, street-keepers, lamplighters, turncocks,
advantage maintained by the ground possessor, viz., postmen, beadles, scavengers, chimney-sweeps-the
that I, when we squabbled, was obliged to vacate, whole pecus of parochial servitorship were at my
and he remained where he was, I resolved, once for gate before eleven at noon.
all, to turn the tables upon mankind at large, and    Then the "waits" came-two sets! and fought
become a "landlord" and a "housekeeper," in my  which should have "my bounty."  Rival patrols
own immediate person.                           disputed whether I did or did not lie within their
"Sir, the gray goose hath laid an egg. —Sir, the  "beat."  At one time there was a doubt as to
old barn doth need repair.-The cook sweareth, the which, of two parishes, I belonged; and I fully exmeat doth burn at the fire.-John Thomas is in the pected that (to make sure) I should have been visstocks; and every thing stays on your arrival."  ited by the collectors from both! Meantime the
I would not advise any single gentleman hastily  knocker groaned, until very evening, under the dull,
to conclude that he is in distress. Bachelors are  stunning, single thumps-each villain would have
discontented, and take wives; footmen are ambi- struck, although it had been upon the head of his
tious, and take eating-houses. What does either own grandfather!-of bakers, butchers, tallowparty gain by the change?  " We know," the wise chandlers, grocers, fishmongers, poulterers, and oilman has said, "what we are; but we know not men! Every ruffian who made his livelihood by
what we may be."                                swindling me through the whole year, thought himIn estimating the happiness of householders, I self entitled to a peculiar benefaction (for his robhad imagined all tenants to be like myself,-mild, beries) on this day. And
forbearing, punctual, and contented; but I "kept
house" three years, and was never out of hot water     Host! now by my life I scorn the name 
the whole time! I did manage, after some trouble,'All this was child's play-bagatelle, I protest, and
to get fairly into a creditable mansion-just missing  "perfumed," to what I had to go through in the
one, by a stroke of fortune, which had a brazier's  "letting off" of my dwelling! The swarms of
shop at the back of it, and was always shown at crocodiles that assailed me, on every fine dayhours when the workmen were gone to dinner-and  three-fourths of them, to avoid an impending showsent a notice to the papers, that a bachelor of sober er, or to pass away a stupid morning-in the shape




700                             THE FIRST-FLOOR LODGER;
of stale dowagers, city coxcombs, "professional for the next ten years. I did this in order that I
gentlemen," and "single ladies!" And all (except may know when he is hanged-a fact I wish para few that were swindlers) finding something wrong  ticularly to ascertain, because his father and I had
about my arrangements!  Gil Blas' mule, which  an altercation about it.
was nothing but faults, never had half so many    Experience, however, gives lights; and a "furfaults as my house. Carlton Palace, if it were to be nished lodging" is the best arrangement among the
"let" to-morrow, would be objected to by a tailor. bad. I had seven transitions last month, but that
One man found my rooms "too small;" another was owing to accidents; a man who chooses well,
thought them rather "too large;" a third wished  may commonly stay a fortnight in a place. Indeed,
that they had been loftier; a fourth, that there had  as I said in the beginning, I have been ten days
been more of them. One lady hinted a sort of where I am; and I don't, up to this moment, see
doubt, "whether the neighborhood was quite re- clearly what point I shall go away upon. The misspectable;" another asked, "if I had any family;" tress of the house entertains a pet monkey; and I
and, then, "whether I would bind myself not to  have got a new footman, who, I understand, plays
have any during her stay."  Two hundred, after de- upon the fiddle. The matter, I suspect, will lie betaining me an hour, had called only "for friends." tween these two.
Ten thousand went through all the particulars, and    I am most nervous myself about the monkey.
would "call again to-morrow."  At last there came  He broke loose the other day. I saw him escape
a lady who gave the coup-de-grace to my "house- over the next garden-wall, and drop down by the
keeping;" she was a clergyman's widow, she said, side of a middle-aged gentleman, who was setting
from Somersetshire; if she had been an " officer's" polyanthuses! The respectable man, as was pruI had suspected her; but, in an ovil hour, I let her dent, took refuge in a summer-house; and then he
in; and-she had come for the express purpose of pulled up all the polyanthuses; and then tried to
marrying me! Sometimes she heard a mouse be- get in at the summer-house window!  I think
hind the wainscot, and I was called in to scare it. thatHer canary bird got loose; would I be so good as   Eh!-Why, what the deuce is all this?-Why,
to catch it?  I fell sick, but was soon glad to get the room is full of smoke!-Thomas!-[I ring the
well again; for she sent five times a day to ask if I bell violently.]-Thomas! —[ call my newfootman.]
was better; beside pouring in plates of blanc mange, Tho-o-mas! —Why, somebody has set the house on
jellies, cordials, raspberry vinegar, fruits fresh from  fire.
the country, and hasty-puddings made by her own                 Enter THOMAS.
hand. And, at last, after the constant borrowings   Indeed no, your honor-indeed-no-it-it's
of books, the eternal interchange of newspapers, only the chimney.
and the daily repair of crow-quills, the opinions up-   The chimney! you dog!-get away this moment
on wine, and the corrections of hackney coachmen, and put it out.-Stay! —Thomas — Come back, I
I determined to get rid of many troubles at once; say.-What chimney is it?
I therefore presented Mrs. F-    with my house,   THOMAS. Only the kitchen chimney, sir.
and every thing in it, and determined never again,   Only the kitchen chimney! how did you do it?
as a man's only protection against female cupidity,   THOMAS. I was only tuning my fiddle, your honto possess even a tooth-brush that I could legally  or; and Mary, the housemaid, flung the resin in the
call my own.                                   fire.
This resolution, gentle reader, compelled me to    Where's the landlord, sirrah?
shelter myself in "furnished lodgings," where the    THOMAS. He is not at home, sir.
most of accommodation, (sublunary!) after all, I be-   Where's his wife?
lieve, is to be found. I had sad work, as you may    THOMAS. She's in fits, sir.
imagine, to find my way at first. Once I ventured    You'll be hanged, to a certainty!-there's a statto inhabit (as there was no board in the case) with  ute for you, caitiff! there is-Come, sir-comea surgeon. But, what between the patients and  strip, and go up the chimney directly. Strip, or
the resurrection-men, the "night bell" was intoler- I'll kill you with the toasting-fork, and bury your
able; and he ordered the watchman, too, I found, body in the dust-hole.
to pull it privately six or seven times a-week, in or-   [Enter the cat, with a tail as thick as my arm, galder to impress the neighborhood with an opinion of loping round the room.]
his practice. From one place I was driven away by    Zounds and death, what's to be done? My life's
a music-master, who gave concerts opposite to me; not insured!-I must get out of the house. [Ratand at a second, after two days' abiding, I found  tling of wheels, and cries of "Fire" in the street.]
that a madman was confined on the second floor! Here comes the parish engine, and as many thieves
Two houses I left because my hostesses made love  with it as might serve six parishes!-Shut the doors
to me. Three, because parrots were kept in the  below, I say.  [Callingdownstairs.]  Don't let'em
streets. One, because a cock (who would drow all in.-Thomas!-The house will be gutted from top
night) came to live in a yard at the back of me; to bottom!-Thomas-!-Thomas!-Where is that
and another, in which I had staid two months, (and  rascally servant of mine?-Thomas! [Calling in
should perhaps have remained till now,) because a all directions.]  I-I must see, myself.
boy of eight years old (there is to me no earthly   [Scene changes to the kitchen. The housemaid in
creature so utterly intolerable as a boy of eight hysterics under the dresser.]
years old!) came home from school to "pass the    Pooh! what a smell of sulphur! Thomas!-I reholidays."  I had thoughts, I don't care who knows member, it was on a Friday I hired him!-Thomas!
it, of taking him off by poison; and bought two -take a wet blanket, you rascal, and get through
raspberry tarts to give him arsenic in, as I met him  the garret window. Crawl up the tiles, and muffle
on the stairs, where he was, up and down, all day. the chimney-pot!
As it is, I have sent an order to the Seven Dials, to   THOMAS. [Down the chimney.]  Sir!
have an " early delivery" of all the " dying speeches"    One more peep [I run up stairs] from the win



POETRY, PUNNING, AND PIETY.                                701
dow.  Hark, how they knock without!-Rat-tat- as black as a soot-bag!-Why, stop her, I say!tat-tat! As I live, here are a dozen engines, fifty  Ah! she gets into the street. Thomas! —Margery!
firemen, and four thousand fools!-I must be off! -Everybody! The woman will be burned to death!
-Thomas! —[He enters.]-I must escape.-Thomas, [Shouts without, and noise of water.]  Ha! [I run
show me the back door!                          to the window.]  Huzza! —The engines are playing
THOMAS. There is none, sir.-I've been trying to  upon her!!! Oh, that footman! he is my fateget out myself.                                 and I thought it would be the monkey!
No back door?
[Enter the cook, with the monkey on her back. The             Enter THOMAS.
knocking continued.]                              Come in, you villain. Is the woman burnt?
CooK. Oh law, sir! We shall all be destructed,   THOMiAS. No, sir, she's only frightened.
sir — Oh dear, where is your honor's double-bar-   Only frightened! you unfeeling creature-but see
relied gun?                                    the monkey-stop him- he's gone off with my gold
My gun? up stairs. What d'ye want with the  spectacles.
gun?'                   Reader, if you have compassion, hear a man of
COOK. Oh, sir! if it was to be shot off up the five-and-forty's prayer! I can't stay here!-where
chimney, it. would surely put it out.           am I to go to?-If you should think-Thomas!-I
She's right. Run, Thomas! At the head of the  must get into a hackney coach! —If you should
bed. Away with you. Mind —it's loaded-take  think-Call me a hackney-coach, sirrah-and ask
care what you are about.                       the man what he charges for it (d'ye hear) by the
There they go!-They have found it.-Now they  week.-If you should think that there is any chance
are down stairs.-Why, the woman has got the  of my doing well in Edinburgh or Dublin-I shouldn't
gun!-Take it from her! —He don't hear me.-  like to be above the fifth story (I understand most
Thomas!-She's going to fire it, as I live!-Yes! of your houses run ten), a line to say so would
she's sitting down in the grate!-Thomas! —With  greatly oblige me. As I have no home, at present,
her body half way up the chimney!-Bang! bang! i except the hackney-coach that I have sent for, I
[Report heard.l Ah! there she goes backwards!- I can't say exactly in what place of suffering your letIt's all up!-Here comes the soot in cart-loads, all ter will find me; but, by addressing to the coffeeover her!-She's killed!-No, egad! she's up and  house, in Rathbone Place, it will somewhere or
running.-Don't let her come near me.-Margery! other come to the hands of
What's her name?-She's running towards the                Your very humble servant,
street door!-Margery!-Why, she's all on fire, and                       WRINKLETON FIDGET.
POETRY, PUNNING, AND PIETY.-When the Hon.           To cheer the widow's heart in her distress,
Mrs. Norton was applied to, on Hood's death, for a    To make provision for the fatherless,
Is but a Christian's duty, and none should
contribution to the fund then raised for his destitute  Resist the heart-appeal of Widow Hood.
widow, and headed by Sir Robert Peel with the munificent donation of ~50, she promptly sent a liberal
subscription with the following lines, (never before Poetry, punning, and piety, all of the genuine sort,
published:)                                    are not often thus happily united.




702                         THE VALUE OF A WORD.  MIRTH.
THE  VALUE  OF  A  WORD.
FROM "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF FREDERIC'REYNOLDS."  BY HIMSELF.
WANTING to walk on the pier (at Calais), I asked    This speech only increased the incomprehensithe garcon, who spoke English very tolerably, the  bility of the whole conversation; and the ComFrench for it. He, thinking asMilordAnglais I could  mandant beginning, in rather haut en bas terms, to
mean nothing but peer, a lord, replied paire. Away  demand an explanation, like all cowards, when
I then went, and passing over the market-place, and  driven into a corner, I became desperate.
drawbridge, stumbled on the pier, without having'Monsieur,' I cried, somewhat boisterously,'il
had occasion to inquire my way to it by the garcon's faut que vous connoissez votrepaire! le paire de
novel appellation.  There I remained, strutting  votre ville, qui est fait de pierre, et a la tote de bois,
my half-hour, till dinner-time.                 et a ce moment on travaille a lui racommoder sa
At the table d'hote, the Commandant of the troops fin, a laquelle le vent a fait du mal.'
of the town sat next me; and among other officers    This was the coup de grace to all the decorum;
and gentlemen at the table; were the President every Frenchman abandoned himself to his laughof the Council at Ratisbon, a Russian count, and  ter, till the room  fairly shook with their shouts
several Prussians-in all amounting to about twenty, and even the Commandant himself could not help
not one of whom, as it appeared to me, spoke a joining them.
word of English.'Allow me, sir,' said a gentleman whom I had
I thought I could never please a Frenchman so  not previously observedmuch as by praising his town: —' Monsieur,' I said,' My dear sir,'.interrupted I,'you are an Englishcondescendingly, to the Commandant,'J'ai vu  man, pray, pray explain.'
votre paire,' meaning,' I have seen your pier;' but' Sir,' he replied,'you have just told this gentlewhich he naturally understood,'I have seen your man,' pointing to the Commandant,' that his father
p&re, father.' This address from a perfect stranger is the father of the whole town, that he is made of
surprised him.'I1 est beau et grand, monsieur,' I stone, but has a wooden head! and at this mocontinued.  The Commandant examined me from  ment the workmen are engaged in mending his
head to foot with an astonishment that imparted  end, that the wind has damaged.'
to me an almost equal share. I saw there was a    I was paralyzed.'Tell me,' I cried, as if my
mistake, and I attempted to explain, by pronounc- life depended on an answer,'what is the French
ing very articulately,                          for pier?''Oui, monsieur, j'ai vu votre paire-votre paire,'Jetie,' he replied, or according to the common
sur le havre.'                                  people, pont?''Eh bien, monsieur,' replied the Commandant,   I had scarcely sense enough left to assist the'et que vous a-t-il dit?' (What did he say to you?) Englishman in his good-natured attempts to unI was astounded, and looking round the room for ravel the error. H9 succeeded, however, and then
the keeper to the supposed madman, I discovered  commenced in French an explanation to the officers.
that the eyes of the whole of the company were  At this moment the waiter informed me that the
upon me.                                        St. Omer diligence was about to depart. I rushed'Monsieur,' I cried, again attempting to explain, from the scene of my disgrace, and stepped into the
with as much deliberation and precision, and in as vehicle, just as the termination of the Englishman's
good French as I could command-' Monsieur, est- recital exploded an additional Eclat de rfire at my
i possible que vous;rsidez ici, et que vous ne con- expense.
noissez pas votre paire-votre paire-si long!'
MIRTH.
FROM "GUESSES AT TRUTH."  BY JULIUS AND AUGUSTUS HARE.
Ridentem dicere verum quid vetat?*  In the first which pronounces a blessing on the weeper, and a
place, all the sour faces in the world, stiffening into  woe on the laugher?
a yet more rigid asperity at the least glimpse of a    Not in the persons I have in view. That blessing
smile. I have seen faces, too, which, so long as you  and woe are pronounced in the knowledge how apt
let them  lie in their sleepy torpor, unshaken and  the course of this world is to run counter to the kingunstirred, have a creamy softness and smoothness, dom of God. They who weep are declared to be
and might beguile you into suspecting their owners blessed, not because they weep, but because they
of being gentle; but, if they catch the sound of a shall laugh; and the woe threatened to the laughers
laugh, it acts on them like thunder, and they also  is in like manner, that they shall mourn and weep.
turn sour. Nay, strange as it may seem, there have  Therefore, they who have this spirit in them, will
been such incarnate paradoxes as would rather see  endeavor to forward the blessing and to avert the
their fellow-creatures cry than smile.          woe. They will try to comfort the mourner, so as
But is not this in exact accordance with the spirit to lead him  to rejoice; and they will warn the
laugheas that he may be preserved from the mourn* What forbids one to say what is true in a laughing man- ing and weeping, and may exchange his passing for
ner'lasting joy. But there are many who merely in —




MIRTII.                                          703
dulge in the antipathy, without opening their hearts  The word ridicule, it is true, has a narrow, oneto the sympathy.  Such is the spirit found in those  sided meaning. From  our proneness to mix up
who have cast off the bonds of the lower earthly  personal feelings with those which are more purely
affections, without having risen as yet into the free- objective and intellectual, we have in great measure
dom of heavenly love —in those who have stopped  restricted the meaning of ridicule, which would
short in the state of transition between the two  properly extend over the whole region of the rilives, like so many skeletons stripped of their earth- diculous, the laughable, where we may disport ourly, and not yet clothed with a heavenly body. It selves innocently, without any evil emotion; and
is the spirit of Stoicism, for instance, in philosopliy, -we have narrowed it, so that in common usage it
and of vulgar Calvinism, which in so many things  mostly corresponds to derision, which does indeed
answers to Stoicism in religion.  They who feel the  involve personal and off-ensive feelings.  As the
harm  they have received from worldly pleasures, great business of wisdom in her speculative office is
are prone at first to quarrel with pleasure of every  to detect and reveal the hidden harmonies of things,
kind altogether; and it is one of the strange per- those harmonies which are the sources and the
versities of our self-will to entertain anger, instead  ever-flowing emanations of Law, the dealings of
of pity, towards those whom we fancy to judge or Wit, on the other hand, are with incongruities.
act less wisely than ourselves.  This, however, is And it is the perception of incongruity, flashing
only while the scaffolding is still standing around  upon us, when unaccompanied, as Aristotle observes
the edifice of their Christian life, so that they can- (Poet. c. v.), by pain, or by any predominant moral
not see clearly out of the windows, and their view  disgust, that provokes laughter, and excites the
is broken up into disjointed parts.  When the scaf- feeling of the ridiculous.  But it no more follows
folding is removed, and they look abroad without that the perception of such an incongruity must
hindrance, they are readier than any to delight in  breed or foster haughtiness or disdain, than that
all the beauty and true pleasure around them. They  the perception of any thing else that may be errofeel that it is their blessed calling not only to re- neous or wrong should do so. You might as well
joice always themselves, but likewise to rejoice with  argue that a man must be proud and scornful beall who go rejoice in innocence of heart.  They feel cause he sees that there is such a thing as sin, or
that this must be well-pleasing to Him who has filled  such a thing as folly, in the world. Yet, unless we
His universe with ever-bubbling springs of gladness; blind our eyes, and gag our ears, and hoodwink our
so that whithersoever we turn our eyes, through  minds, we shall seldom pass through a day without
earth  and  sky as well as sea, we behold  the  having some form of evil brought in one way or
ayvirrOuov Xyfaua* of nature.  On the other hand, other before us. Besides, the perception of inconit is the harshness of an irreligious temper clothing  gruity may exist, and may awaken laughter, withitself in religious zeal, and not seldom exhibiting  out the slightest reprobation of the object laughed
symptoms of mental disorganization, that looks at. We laugh at a pun, surely without a shade of
scowlingly on every indication of happiness and  contempt either for the words punned upon or for
mirth.                                            the punster; and if a very bad pun be the next
Moreover, there is a large class of people who  best thing to a very good one, this is not from its
deem the business of life far too weighty and mo- flattering any feeling of superiority in us, but bementous to be made light of; who would leave  cause the incongruity is broader and more glaring.
merriment to children, and laughter to idiots; and  Nor, when we laugh at a droll combination of
who hold that a joke would be as much out of place  imagery, do we feel any contempt, but often admion their lips as on a grave-stone or in a ledger. Wit ration at the ingenuity shown in it, and an almost
and wisdom being sisters, not only are they afraid  affectionate thankfulness toward  the person by
of being indicted for bigamy were they to wed them   whom we have been amused, such as is rarely exboth, but they shudder at such a union as incestu- cited by any other display of intellectual power, as
ous.  So, to keep clear of temptation, and to pre- those who have ever enjoyed the delight of Professerve their faith where they have plighted it, they  sor Sedgwick's society will bear witness.
turn the younger out of doors; and if they see or    It is true, an exclusive attention to the ridiculous
hear of any body taking her in, they are positive he  side of things is hurtful to the character, and decan know nothing of the elder.  They would not be  structive of earnestness and gravity. But no less
witty for the world.  Now, to escape being so, is mischievous is it to fix our attention exclusively,
not very difficult for those whom  nature has so fa- or even mainly, on the vices and other follies of
vored that wit with them is always at zero, or below  mankind.  Such contemplations, unless counterit. Or, as to their wisdom, since they are careful acted by wholesomer thoughts, harden or rot the
never to overfeed her, she jogs leisurely along the  heart, deaden the moral principle, and make us
turnpike-road, with lank and meagre carcass, dis- hopeless and reckless.  The objects toward which
playing all her bones, and never getting out of her we should turn our minds habitually are those which
own dust. She feels no inclination to be frisky, are great, and good, and pure; the throne of virbut, if a coach or wagon passes her, is glad, like her tue, and she who sits upon it; the majesty of truth,
rider, to run behind a thing so big. Now, all these  the beauty of holiness.  This is the spiritual sky
people take grievous offence if any one comes near through which we should strive to mount, "springthem better mounted, and they are in a tremor lest ing from crystal step to crystal step," and bathing
the neighing and snorting and prancing should be  our souls in its living, life-giving ether.  These are
contagious.                                       the thoughts by which we should whet and polish
Surely, however, ridicule implies contempt; and  our swords for the warfare against evil, that the
so the feeling must be condemnable, subversive of  vapors of the earth may not rust them. But in a
gentleness, incompatible with kindness?          warfare against evil, under one or other of its forms,
Not necessarily so, or universally; far from it. we are all of us called to engage; and it is a childish
dream to fancy that we can walk about among man* Boundless laughter.             kind without perpetual necessity of remarking that




704                                        MIRTIL.
the world is full of many worse incongruities be- in an allegory which has the voice and the spirit of
sides those which make us laugh.                Plato. On the other hand, the outcries of those
Nor do I deny that a laugher may often be a who exclaim against every sound more lively than
scoffer and a scorner. Some jesters are fools of a a bray or a bleat, as derogatory to truth, are often
worse breed than those who used to wear the cap. prompted, not so much by their deep feeling of the
Sneering is commonly found along with a bitter dignity of the truth in question, as of the dignity of
splenetic misanthropy; or it may be a man's mock- the person by whom that truth is maintained. It
cry at his own hollow heart, venting itself in mockery  is our vanity, our self-conceit, that makes us so sore
at others. Cruelty will try to season or to palliate  afid irritable. To a grave argument we may reply
its atrocities by derision. The hyena grins in its gravely, and fancy that we have the best of it; but
den; most wild beasts over their prey. But though  he who is too dull or too angry to smile, cannot ana certain kind of wit, like other intellectual gifts, swer a smile, except by fretting and fuming. Olivia
may coexist with moral depravity, there has often  lets us into the secret of Malvolio's distaste for the
been a playfulness in the best and greatest men-   Clown.
in Phocion, in Socrates, in Luther, in Sir Thomas    For the full expansion of the intellect, moreover,
More-which, as it were, adds a bloom  to the  to preserve it from  that narrowness and partial
severer graces of their character, shining forth with  warp which our proneness to give ourselves up to
amaranthine brightness when storms assail them, the sway of the moment is apt to produce; its variand springing up in fresh blossoms under the axe  ous faculties, however opposite, should grow and
of the executioner. How much is our affection for be trained up side by side-should twine their arms
Hector increased by his tossing his boy in his arms, together, and strengthen each other by love-wresand laughing at his childish fears! Smiles are the  tles. Thus will it be best fitted for discerning and
language of love; they betoken the complacency  acting upon the multiplicity of things which the
and delight of the heart in the object of its contem- world sets before it. Thus, too, will something like
plation. Why are we to assume that there must a balance and order be upheld, and our minds preneeds be bitterness or contempt in them, when  served from that exaggeration on the one side, and
they enforce a truth or reprove an error?  On the  depreciation on the other side, which are the sure
contrary, some of those who have been richest in  results of exclusiveness.  A  poet, for instance,
wit and humor have been among the simplest and  should have much of the philosopher in him; not,
kindest-hearted of men. I will only instance Fuller, indeed, thrusting itself forward at the surfaceBishop Earle, Lafontaine, Matthes Claudius, Charles this would only make a monster of his work, like
Lamb.  " Le m6chant n'est jamais comique," is the Siamese twins, neither one thing nor two-but
wisely remarked by De Maistre, when canvassing  latent within; the spindle should be out of sight,
the pretensions of Voltaire (Soirees, i. 273); and  but the web should be spun by the Fates. A phithe converse is equally true: Le comique, le vrai losopher, on the other hand, should have much of
comique, n'estjamais mechant. A laugh, to be joy- the poet in him. A historian cannot be great withous, must flow from a joyous heart; but without out combining the elements of the two minds. A
kindness there can be no true joy. And what a  statesman ought to unite those of all the three. A
dull, plodding, tramping, clanking would the ordi- great religious teacher, such as Socrates, Bernard,
nary intercourse of society be, without wit to enliven  Luther, Schleiermacher, needs the statesman's pracand brighten it! When two men meet, they seem  tical power of dealing with men and things, as well
to be kept at bay through the estranging effects of as the historian's insight into their growth and purabsence, until some sportive sally opens their hearts pose. He needs the philosopher's ideas, impregto each other. Nor does any thing spread cheer- nated and impersonated by the imagination of the
fulness so rapidly over a whole party, or an assem- poet. In like manner, our graver faculties and
bly of people, however large. Reason expands the  thoughts are much chastened and bettered by a
soul of the philosopher; imagination glorifies the  blending and interfusion of the lighter, so that
poet, and breathes a breath of spring through the  "the sable cloud" may " turn her silver lining on
young and genial; but if we take into account the  the night;" while our lighter thoughts require the
numberless glances and gleams whereby wit lightens graver to substantiate them and keep them from
our every-day life, I hardly know what power min- evaporating.  Thus Socrates is said, in Plato's
isters so bountifully to the innocent pleasures of  Banquet, to have maintained that a great tragic
mankind.                                        poet ought likewise to be a great comic poet-an
Surely, too, it cannot be requisite, to a man's be- observation the more remarkable, because the tening in earnest, that he should wear a perpetual dency of the Greek mind, as at once manifested in
frown. Or is there less of sincerity in Nature dur- their Polytheism, and fostered by it, was to insulate
ing her gambols in spring, than during the stiffness all their ideas; and, as it were, to split up the inand harshness of her wintry gloom? Does not the  tellectual world into a cluster of Cyclades, leading
bird's blithe carolling come from the heart quite as to confusion, is the characteristic of modern times.
much as the quadruped's monotonous cry? And is The combination, however, was realized in himself,
it then altogether impossible to take up one's abode  and in his great pupil; and may, perhaps, have
with Truth, and to let all sweet homely feelings been so to a certain extent in _Eschylus, if we may
grow about it and cluster around it, and to smile  judge from the fame of his satiric dramas. At all
upon it as on a kind father or mother, and to sport events the assertion, as has been remarked more
with it, and hold light and merry talk with it, as than once-for instance by Coleridge (Renains, ii.,
with a loved brother or sister; and to fondle it, and  12,)-is a wonderful prophetical intuition, which
play with it, as with a child?  No otherwise did  has received its fulfilment in Shakspere.  No heart
Socrates and Plato commune with Truth; no other- would have been strong enough to hold the woe of
wise Cervantes and Shakspere. This playfulness of Lear and Othello, except that which had the unTruth is beautifully represented by Landor, in the  quenchable elasticity of Falstaff and the "Midsumconversation between Marcus Cicero and his brother, mer Night's dream."  He, too, is an example that




MY HONORABLE FRIEND BOB.                                   705
the perception of the ridiculous does not necessarily  its truth is attested by his wisdom, which could
imply bitterness and scorn. Along with his intense never have been so perfect unless it had been harhumor, and his equally intense piercing insight into  monized by the gentleness of the dove. A similar
the darkest, most fearful depths of human nature, union of the graver and lighter powers is found in
there is still a spirit of Universal kindness, as well several of Shakspeare's contemporaries, and in
as universal justice, pervading his works; and Ben many others among the greatest poets of the
Jonson has left us a precious memorial of him, modern world; in Boccaccio, in Cervantes, in
where he calls him " My gentle Shakspeare."  This Chaucer, in Gothe, in Tieck; so was it in Walter
one epithet sheds a beautiful light on his character: Scott.
MY HONORABLE FRIEND BOB.
FROM " DAVID DUMPS."  BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY.
IT was at a public school that I first became ac- summer's vacation, than a meeting of men who had
quainted with my friend Bob. He was then a little  seen something of the world. We could talk only
round-faced, curly-pated boy, about ten years of  of the past, of frolic and of fun; and while arm-inage; and I being two years his senior, and there  arm we ranged the streets of the west end, we
existing some intimacy between our parents, he was laughed almost as much, and were really nearly as
put under my protection.                        thoughtless, as in the days when together we ranged
I soon, fool that I was, became very fond of Bob. the play-ground of old Rearpepper.
We naturally get attached to those who cling to us   Whatever I may have been, Bob was indeed unfor support; and every thing was so new to him, changed; and not alone in spirits and temper, for
poor fellow! that without me he was miserable.    I soon found that his old habits had grown with his
At that very early age, Bob had acquired a taste  growth, and strengthened with his strength. He
for extravagance; his money always burnt a hole  still retained his "sweet tooth," and daily did he
in his little breeches' pocket; and when it was gone, lead me into Gunter's or Grange's, (nay, often into
many a, shilling did he borrow of me, and many  both in turn,) and there I saw him indulge as he
more did he owe to Mrs. Puffy, the fat vender of used of old in the habitation of Mrs. Puffy;-the
pastry, whose residence was " down the street."    only difference was, that his dainties were somewhat
At sixteen, I left Doctor Rearpepper's establish- more refined, and more expensive; for, alas! I
ment; and many were the tears that poor Bob shed  soon saw the old injunction, "Put it down to my
at my departure. He said nothing at all about the  bill," had by no means fallen into disuse. All other
nine shillings and fourpence halfpenny that he owed  tradespeople were most impartially dealt with by
me; but when I said, " Bob, be sure you write to  Bob in the same way; and I saw him take possesme," I suspect that he almost expected me to add, sion of trinkets, coats, hats, and boots, without
"and don't forget to enclose the money."       considering it requisite to take his purse out of his
During my residence at Oxford, we never met. pocket.
At first our interchange of letters was frequent, and    The next morning, Bob ran to my bedside to inthe style of our communications most affectionate; form me that he was ordered to India, and must
but gradually our correspondence flagged, and for leave London in a day or two. He showed me his
a whole year I heard nothing of him. At length, letters, and it was evident that he must prepare for
by the coach came a splendidly bound copy of a his. immediate departure.
work which he knew to be my favorite; and in the    We breakfasted together; and during the repast,
title-page was written my name, and underneath the  the waiter was continually presenting him with wawords, "From his affectionate and grateful friend  fered notes; and it appeared that several persons
Bob."                                           had called, very earnestly wishing to see him. I
" Yes," thought I, as I read the inscription, " and  had my suspicions about these visitations, but said
still thou art my honorable friend! "         nothing.
Bob, after so long a period had elapsed, was nat-   Immediately after breakfast, Bob took my arm
urally ashamed to send me the few shillings that he  and requested me to walk with him; and after passowed me; but he could not be happy till he had  ing through several streets and squares in unusual
spent many pounds on a gift which was intended  silence, and with an appearance of agitation in his
to repay me. With the parcel, I received a letter manner, he suddenly addressed me. -
announcing his having entered the army, and add-   "There is no alternative," said he; "I must go."
ing that he was about to join his regiment, which    "You must, indeed, Bob," I replied,-" unless
was then on a foreign station. He entreated me you are detained."
not to suppose from his long silence that he had    "Detained!" said Bob, blushing; "how do you
forgotten me; and, in short, there was so much  mean?"
warmth of heart about the whole letter, that Bob    "Pardon me," I answered, " but really few young
was reinstated in my good graces, and I wrote him  men could go on as you have lately done, and be
a most affectionate reply, assuring him that when- prepared for a departure so sudden. Now, my dear
ever we met he would find me unaltered.        Bob, you know what my finances are; you know I
After quitting Oxford, I travelled on the Conti- have literally nothing to spare; but if, knowing
nent for many months; and on my return to Eng- this, you think I can be of temporary use to you,
land, I found my friend Bob at a hotel in Bond  command me."
street, and, in every sense of the words, "a gay    Bob grasped my arm, and his eyes watered; but
man about town."                               he was ashamed to own the extent of his encumOurs was more like the reunion of boys after a brances, and therefore hastily answered,




706                             MY HONORABLE FRIEND  BOB;
"This is like yourself, my dear friend, and at the    "My dear fellow," I exclaimed, "this is news inmoment you may indeed serve me by putting your deed! —you have no occasion of assistance from a
name to a bill."                                  poor fellow like me."
"Not of large amount, Bob, I trust?"             "Oh!" said Bob, "you have not heard all. She
"No-yes-larger, I fear, than- "                 loves me to madness, poor dear girl! But, rich as
"If it be a large sum, Bob, you know that if  her father is, were he to suppose that I am involved,
your draft is not honored when it becomes due, I he would forbid the match."
shall go to prison instead of you."                 " A very sensible old man."
"Never!" said Bob with a fervor and an evidence    "That may be; but there is another obstacleof deep feeling which I could not distrust.       my rank: Clara will not consent to marry any thing
"Well, then, what is the sum?" said I.         below a captain."
"First, let me tell you some circumstances which    I could not repress a laugh.
press heavily on my heart," said Bob; " not here    "It is a foible, perhaps," said Bob, rather piqued;
-come with me this way."                          "but it is her only one, and I must humor it. But
And in solemn silence he led me to Portman  my promotion depends on my going to India,
Square.                                           and-"
"What can all this mean?" said I, at last.       "Well, well," said I, "I understand all this; but
"Hush!" said Bob; "you see that house?"       tell me at once what you wish me to do for you."
And he pointed to a very handsome well-appoint-    " To put your name to a draft for one hundred
ed mansion. A footman was standing at the door and ninety pounds," faltered Bob.
receiving cards from a lady in a carriage.          "Mercy on me! what a sum!" said I.  HIow"See the house?" I replied; "to be sure I do; ever, it must be done: and when the draft becomes
and what then?"                                  due-""That house is owned by one of the wealthiest    "I will honorably pay it!"
commoners in England."                              "If not, to prison I go. And now let us return
"Umph!" said I; "the owner, I suppose, is to our hotel."
rich."                                              "One moment," said Bob: "I love to look at the
"He has an only daughter," said Bob.            house."
"Has hlie?" I answered.                          "At the casket which contains the gem?" said I.
"His sole heiress," added Bob.                    "Yes; and for your sake, too, I love to look at
"What then?" I replied.                        it. You see those three windows shaded with sky"I am ashamed of having concealed all this so  blue silk curtains?  Oh, such a little room that is!long from so dear a friend," murmured Bob.        and that room I always mean to be your own exclu"All what?"                                     sively, when I am master of the mansion. Such a
"But the secret was not my own."               room!-the furniture so exquisite!-and such a
"What secret?"                                 sweet look out over the square!-But come, we'll
"That lovely girl!"                            talk all that over while we are at dinner."
"Upon my word, Bob," I cried, "you put me out   Before the meal was half finished, Bob seemed
of all patience!"                                quite to have recovered his spirits; and I could not
"I have won that girl's affections."            help suspecting, that as the prospect of an immedi"The heiress?" said I.                          ate separation did not seem  to depress him, he
"she loves me," whispered Bob.                 loved the lady less than he loved her gold.




MY HONORABLE FRIEND BOB.. 707
"Is she pretty?" said I after a long pause, dur-   As I looked towards the balcony of the drawinging which I at least had been thinking of her.  room, I saw a female watering some geraniums;
"Who?" said Bob, starting.                    and, suddenly turning her head towards me, she
"I say, is the lady pretty?"                 seemed to recognize my person, and gave me a fa"What lady?" said Bob.                       miliar nod.
"Why, your love, to be sure."                   I soon discovered it was my old friend and near
"Which do you mean?"                         connection Mrs. Symmons; and, beckoning me to
"Nonsense, Bob! —I mean the girl you are at- the window, she exclaimed,
tached to;-why, man, she who lives in Portman    "Oh! I'm delighted to see you! —we only came
Square."                                        to town yesterday, —we are on a visit to Mr. Moles"O! what was I dreaming of!-very pretty."    worth: pray come in, and I'll introduce you."
"I can't imagine, Bob," said I, " when you con-   I knocked at the hall-door in a state of mind not
trived to win your divinity: you and I have been  to be described,-the hall-door of the house in
for months almost inseparable, and-"            which 1 (by anticipation) already possessed a room
"Ask no questions," said Bob; "the secret is of my own, with sky-blue curtains, and a new-innot my own."                                    vented spring sofa bath overflowing with eau-de"Not entirely, certainly," I replied.  " Is she to  Cologne! I walked up stairs; and my friend Mrs.
inherit the house in Portman Square?"          Symmons introduced me to Mr. Molesworth, (an old
"To be sure she is: and such a house as it is!-  gentleman in a pair of gouty shoes,) his daughter,
and that room which.I mean for you! You are  Miss Molesworth, (a lovely, fair-haired girl of about
fond of a hot bath?"                           eighteen,) her sister Flora, (still in a pinafore, and
"Very."                                       not come out,) and her two little brothers (school"There is a sky-blue silk sofa in that room; and  boys in round jackets and duck trousers).
when you touch a spring, it flies up, (I don't ex-   "Dear me!" thoug ht I, "how poor dear Bob was
actly know the principle on which it acts,) and turns mistaken in supposing her an heiress!"
into the most delightful bath!"                  In this family I spent many happy days; and be"Indeed!"                                     ing, though unknown to her, so well acquainted
"Yes, a marble bath."                         with the secret of the young lady's heart, I became
" Marble?"                                   more intimate with her than I could have been with
"White marble without a speck;-she did tell any one else, without incurring the imputation of
me where it came from,-but that's no conse- "serious intentions."  In this instance, however,
quence."                                        my knowledge of the fair lady's engagement to
"How-very luxurious!" said I.                another person, (and that person my friend,) made
"Yes; and so very complete!-three cocks!"    me feel perfectly at my ease; and we became the
"Three!" said I: "two, you mean."            talk of all our acquaintances, without my being the
"No, no,-three," replied Bob: "one for hot least aware that we were engaged even in a little
water-"                                         flirtation.
"Yes," said I.                                  To my utter astonishment, Mrs. Symmons came
"And one for cold —"                          to me one day, (it was the day before that on which
"Well, that makes two," said I.               Bob's draft was to become due,) and, with a know" And one," said Bob, "for eau-de-Cologne."   ing look, asked me why I was so out of spirits?  I
In the evening, I put my name to Bob's draft, gave an evasive reply, for I did not choose to own
and the next morning we parted with mutual ex- the paltry pecuniary difficulty, which was threatenpressions of regret.                            ing to overpower me.
I missed him sadly; and it so happened, that af-   "Nonsense!" said Mrs. Symmons; "go boldly,
ter he went, many untoward circumstances occurred  and make your offer: your connections are unexwhich, having first materially lowered my resources, ceptionable; and whatever your present income
next effectually lowered my spirits, and I used to  may be, your prospects are excellent.  Besides, she
saunter through our old haunts, looking like the  has enough for both; for, though not an only child,
ghost of his companion.                         her father can afford to give her a very excellent
When he was gone, I became acquainted with  fortune."
many circumstances connected with his expenditure    "And pray,'i I replied, "of what lady are you
which perfectly astounded me; and at the end of talking?"
four months, (exactly two months before it was to    " Miss Molesworth, to be sure;-I know she is atbecome due,) I had every reason to doubt whether tached to you."
the draft for one hundred and ninety pounds would    " You know nothing about the matter," said I;
ever be paid.                                   " for I can tell you that.  "
I was conscious of my own utter inability to pay    I hesitated, for I had no right to betray Bob's seit; and I therefore existed for a week or two in a cret.
state of mental excitement not to be described.    "Well," said Mrs. Symmons, "here she comes,
One day after breakfast, I sallied forth more dolor- and I will leave you together;" and away she went.
ous than usual; and after wandering about for some    "What is the matter?" said Miss Molesworth
time, I found myself in Portman Square, opposite  earnestly, as she entered; "you seem agitatedthe identical mansion inhabited by Bob's intended. what has happened?"
" Ah!" thought I, " were Bob now in possession    "Are we alone?" said I after a pause. "It is
of that house, all would go well with us:-his heart better that I should be explicit."
is in the right place, poor fellow! But, alas! be-   Miss Molesworth started, colored, and cast down
fore he puts me in possession of that sky-blue her eyes. Had I been a favored lover on the point
apartment, with the hot water and the cold and the  of making an avowal of attachment, she could not
eau-de-Cologne, I may be in prison, and my name  have been more embarrassed.
disgraced!'                                       "Do not be alarmed," said I: "I know all!"




708                            MY HONORABLE FRIEND  BOB.
"Sir!" said Miss Molesworth.                  door opened, and in came-Bob! He was so evi" I am Bob's best friend, and I know your se- dently delighted to see me again, that I could not help
cret."                                          receiving him kindly. He spoke of the obligation I
"My secret!" she exclaimed.                  had conferred upon him previous to his departure;
"Yes, dear lady," I answered: "I am, as I told  and after frankly acknowledging the gratification I
you before, the most intimate friend of Bob."    had felt at his punctuality, I said,
"Of Bob!" said she.                            " But how is this? returned after so short an ab"Yes," I replied, taking her hand; "I am Bob's sence!"
school-fellow."                                    "Oh! we are not to go to India, after all; I've
"And pray, sir," said she, withdrawing her hand, been no further than Madeira;-we'll talk that all
"who is Bob?"                                  over another time. I suppose I shall be sent to the
" Do not distress yourself," I whispered; " do not West, instead of the East."
think it necessary to conceal any thing from me;-  "I only regret it on account of your rank; it
before he left England, Bob told me all."       may retard your marriage."
"All what?" cried Miss Molesworth.             "Miy marriage!" said Bob, blushing all over.
"Your mutual attachment,-your engagement,"   "Yes; your marriage with the heiress of PortI replied.                                      man Square."
Miss Molesworth started up, coloring crimson.    "Oh!" cried Bob, starting from  his chair and
At first, she could not articulate, but at last she  pressing his hand, "never-never, I entreat you,
said,                                           mention that subject again."
"'I know not, sir, to what I am to attribute this    "Why so?" said I.
conduct: I have been attached to no one, engaged    "It is all off," sighed Bob.
to no one,-I know not of whom you speak. I had    "Off!" I exclaimed.
considered you, sir, in the light of a friend; but    "Yes, the traitress! —But enough,-never name
now, sir, now    "                              her to me again."
She could say no more, but sank on a chair be-   I of course promised to obey him, and for some
side me, in a flood of tears.                   days we enjoyed ourselves very much in the old
A mist at that moment fell from my eyes; I saw  way. One morning, he came to me in real distress,
at once the full extent of Bob's unpardonable false- and told me that his tailor had threatened to arrest
hood, and the distressing certainty flashed upon my  him for the amount of his bill. I offered to go and
mind that his draft would be dishonored.        speak to the man, and endeavor to persuade him to
Mrs. Symmons entered at the moment, and found  give Bob time.
us both apparently plunged into the depths of des-    "If he will only give me a month," said Bob.
pair. Miss Molesworth was in an instant weeping    "Well," I cried, "I can but try him;" and away
on her shoulder; and before a quarter of an hour I went.
had elapsed, I found myself breathing forth vows   The tailor was inexorable; but he told me that
of love to the young lady, and exulting in my dis- if I would become responsible for the payment of
covery that her engagement to my friend Bob was the debt in a month, he would consent to wait; if
a fable.                                        not, he was determined to arrest Bob that day.
Miss Molesworth referred me to her father; but   I hesitated for a moment; but, recollecting his
I read in her large blue eyes that she did not dislike  prompt payment of the hundred and ninety pounds,
me. I therefore retired to my bed that night full I made myself responsible for the amount of the
of love and hope, and dreamed of driving my wife  bill, and then returned to congratulate my friend.
in a chariot drawn by six dragons, over the man-   When I told him what I had done, he started up
gled body of Bob.                               and exclaimed, " You do not mean it!-you cannot
The next morning, my first thought was of my  have made yourself responsible for the amount of
approaching interview with Mr. Molesworth: but, that fellow's bill!"
alas! it was soon followed by my recollection of   "I have, I assure you," said I.
Bob's draft, and the too great probability that be-   "Then," said Bob, "you will have to pay it; I
fore night I should be in durance vile for the amount. shall not have the money myself; I never asked
My own resources were at the moment inadequate  you'to incur the responsibility, —I never expected
to meet the demand; and could I ask a rich man  it,-and I repeat that you will have to pay it."
to let me marry his daughter, and expect that his   "My dear Bob," said I, "it will not be in my
first act would be to pay one hundred and ninety  power; I am peculiarly situated. At the end of
pounds to extricate me from a prison!           a month, I shall be most particularly engaged-my
At length, I made up my mind to walk to Bob's hands, as it were, will be tied, and paying this at
bankers, and at once ascertain the worst. I did so, that particular period will be out of the question."
and on my arrival was astounded at being informed    Still Bob persisted that he never asked me to beby the clerk that he had provided funds for the  come responsible, and it ended in his leaving me in
payment of the draft!                          a very ill humor. My engagements with legal perSo far I had wronged my honorable friend; and  sons employed me for days together in the city,
I was therefore able to appear in Portman Square  and I saw very little of Bob. When we did meet,
in excellent spirits.                           my manner was cold and restrained; and it was not
"The course of" my "true love" did, for a won- till within a day or two of the expiration of the
der, " run smooth," and, all our preliminaries hay- month that I had time to think of the very inoping been finally arranged, the Molesworths left town  portune and annoying responsibility which I had
for the family seat in Wiltshire, and I remained to  incurred.
arrange some legal and other matters, which would in    That very day, I met Bob, and spoke to him most
all probability detain me for a couple of months. I earnestly and seriously about the payment; but he
was sitting in my own room rather out of spirits the  sighed most deeply, told me how much he lamented
morning after my true love's departure, when the  my having engaged to make the payment, and pa



MIY HONORABLE FRIEND BOB.                                  709
thetically bemoaned the emptiness of his own    "Anid the lady lives-" faltered Bob.
pockets. The next morning, I called on the tailor,   " In Portman Square," said I.
earnestly requesting him to renew the draft for   Bob sat in evident confusion; and when the caranother month, and was then told that my honora- riage actually stopped at Mr. Molesworth's house,
ble friend had called that very day, and had placed  he said,
in his hands the sum for which I was responsible!    " I deserve this-I am quite ashamed of myself.
I went instantly to call upon him, and he re- Come, come, turn back and drive home."
ceived me with laughter, in which I could not re-   " By no means," said I, as the servant gave a
sist joining; but I confess I laughed the more from  thundering knock at the door, and then let down
the recollection that my hour of revenge was at the steps of the carriage.
hand.                                             "Look," said I, pointing upwards, while we waited
About a fortnight afterwards, (the family of my  for the street-door to be opened; "you see those
intended having arrived in town for the wedding, three windows with sky-blue curtains?"
which was to take place the next morning at St.   "O! spare me!" cried Bob.
George's Church, Hanover Square,) Bob inquired    " That room I always mean to reserve exclusively
" what it was that seemed to occupy me from morn- for you: there is a wonderful sofa, silken without,
ing till night, and why it was that we so seldom  and marble within."
met?"                                            "My dear friend!" said Bob imploringly.
" My dear Bob," said 1, " it has been a secret!"  "Don't interrupt me," I proceeded;-" an exqui"Oh! a secret!"                             site bath with three cocks; one for hot water, one
"Yes; and the secret has not been entirely my  for cold, and one for eau-de- Cologne. But we have
own."                                           no time now to expatiate on its advantages;" and
" Indeed!" said Bob.                         I jumped out of the carriage.
" But I will now conceal nothing from you: you,   " Why, you won't go in!" cried Bob as he breathI remember, before you went away, confided your lessly ran up the steps after me, and vigorously
secret to me."                                  pulled at the tail of my coat.
"Oh!-ah!-hem-yes-well?" stammered Bob.   "Go in!" said I; "to be sure: and you will meet
" I am going to be married to-morrow."       old friends, and show me where you used to meet
"Married!" exclaimed Bob: "tell me all about the lady of your love, and —"
it; who is she,-do I know her?"                   "You are going too far!" whispered Bob: "I
"You do not know her; but I have heard you see my error; I uttered what was false-forgive
speak of her."                                  me-I am cured. But these servants and the in" Indeed! Where does she live? —is she pretty? mates of the house will think us mad!"
-is she rich?"                                   " Not at all," I replied.  " Speak the truth in fu" There is no time," said I, " to answer your ques- ture, as I have done to you."
tions at present: I dine with the family at six, and    I pressed his hand, and led him up stairs. I saw
I mean to take you with me. Go and dress, and in  that he was depressed and humiliated; and when
half an hour I will call for you in a carriage."  we got to the drawing-room door, he whispered,
"Where does your intended live?" said Bob as   "And do they know it? I cannot face them."
we drove along Oxford Street and turned into Or-   "They know nothing," I replied, " and shall never
chard Street.                                   know from me any thing discreditable to my honor" Time will show," I replied.                able friend Bob."
"Where are we now?" said Bob as the carriage    "I will never utter a falsehood again," said Bob.
made a sudden turn.                             And I firmly believe he adhered to his resolution.
"We are in Portman Square," I replied.




'710                                READING  A TRAGEDY.
READING  A  TRAGEDY.
FROM "WEEDS OF WITCHERY."  BY TIIOMAS HAYNES BAYLY.
On, proud am I, exceeding proukd, I've mustered 
thee Eite!
I'll read them  my new  Tragedy-no  ordinary
It has a deeply-stirring plot-the moment I comThey'll feel for my sweet Heroine an interest in- 
It never lags, it never flags, it cannot fail to
touch;
Indeed, I fear the sensitive may feel it over And pray, good People, recollect, when what I've
much;                                            said controls
But still a dash of pathos with my terrors I com-      sympathies, and actually harrows up your
bine,                                            souls;
The bright reward of tragic Bard-the laurel will Remember, (it may save you all from suicide, or
be mine!                                         fits,)'Tis but a mortal man who opes the flood-gates of
Place chairs for all the company, and, Ma'am, I         his wits!
really think                               Retain your intellects to trace my brightest gem,
really think
If you don't send that child to bed, he will not        (my moral)
sleep a wink,                              And, when I've done, I'm  very sure you'll wreathe
I know he'll screech like any thing before I've read    my brow with laurel.
a page;
My second act would terrify a creature of that Hem-"Act thefirst, and scene the first-a woodage:                                             Bumrumpti entersAnd should the darling, scared by me, become an  Bumnrumpti speaks,' And have I then escaped from
Imbecile,my tormentors?
Though fatter'd at the circumstance-how sorry I Revenge!. Revenge! oh, were they dead, and I a
should feel!                                     carrion crow,
What! won't you send the child to bed? well, I'd pick the flesh from off their bones, I'd sever toe
Madam, we shall see                              from toe!
Pray take a chair, and now  prepare the laurel Shall fair Fryfritta, pledged to me, her plighted
crown for me.                                    vow recall,
And wed with hated Snookums or with any man at
all!
Have all got pocket-handkerchiefs? your tears will No-rather perish earth and sea, the sky and-all
fall in streams:                                 the rest of itPlace water near to sprinkle over any one who  For wife to me she swore she'd be, and she must
screams;                                         make the best of it.'"




DEADLY NIGHTSHADE.                                     711
Through five long acts-ay, very long, the happy  The anxious Chaperon is asleep! the Beau beside
Bard proceeds;                                 the Fair!
Without a pause, without applause, scene after The dog is sleeping on the rug! the cat upon the
scene he reads!                                chair!
That silent homage glads his heart! it silent well Old men and babes-the Footman, too! oh, if we
may be;                                         crown the Bard,
Not one of all his slumbering friends can either We'll twine for him the Poppy wreath, his only fit
hear or see!                                    reward.
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE.
FROM "WEEDS OF WITCHERY."  BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY.
I LAY within a strange abode, and on a curtain'd    ___
The lamp upon the tapestry a ghastly glimmer
I could not doze, I could not sleep, I heard the 
rats and mice;
My head was like a furnace, and my hands and feet
I thought of all my evil deeds, and wished them allAndonmchnesrehigaeams
undone,                                        malignant FiendI longed to hear the merry lark, and see -the risingmlign my bedI heard the hooting of the owl, the ticking of the    he grinn'd!
clock
And the door did shake, while something seem'd to  Upon the marble mantelpiece there flared a globe
d                e d
fidget with the lock!                           of flame!
And in it danced distorted forms too horrible to
name!
I wanted much to ring the bell to summon man or And on the hearth the Fiend still sat! I fainted
maid,                                           with afright!
I did not thrust a finger forth, because I was But rose next morn to trace the cause the moment
afraid;                                         there was light.
I longed to call out lustily, but not a word I The Fiend was but a tabby cat! the globe of flame
* said,                                         I saw,
I grasped the blankets and the sheets and held them  A shade of paper for the lamp-such as my sisters
o'er my head.                                   draw!
I heard a most alarming noise, I never heard the'Twas traced with ghosts and skeletons from charlike,                                           nel-houses damp!
Just as the turret-clock struck twelve! a horrid  It isn't nice to have a Deadly Nightshade for one's
hour to strike!                                 lamp!
hour to strike!                                lamp!




712                               THE WORLD AS IT IS.
THE  WORLD  AS  IT  IS.
ANONYMOUS.
"WHAT a delightful thing the world is! Lady    Nugent had written a tale for " The Keepsake;"
Lennox's ball, last night-how charming it was!-  it was his first literary effort; it was tolerably good,
every one so kind, and Charlotte looking so pretty  and exceedingly popular. One day, he was loung-the nicest girl I ever saw!  But I must dress ing over his breakfast, and a tall, thin gentleman,
now. Balfour is to be here at twelve with the in black, was announced by the name of Mr. Gilpin.
horse he wants to sell me. How lucky I am to  Mr. Gilpin made a most respectful bow, and
have such a friend as Balfour! —so entertaining-  heaved a peculiarly profound sigh. Nugent was
so good-natured-so devilish clever too-and such  instantly seized with a lively interest in the stranger.
an excellent heart! Ah! how unlucky! it rains a  " Sir, it is with great regret," faltered forth Mr.
little; but never mind, it will clear up; and if it Gilpin, "that I seek you. I-I-I-"  A low,
don't-why, there's billiards. What a delightful consumptive cough checked his speech. Nugent
thing the world is 1"                           offered him a cup of tea. The civility was refused,
So soliloquized Charles Nugent, a man of twenty- and the story continued. Mr. Gilpin's narration is
one-a philanthropist-an optimist.  Our young  soon told, when he himself is not the narrator. An
gentleman was an orphan, of good family and large  unfortunate literary man-once in affluent circumfortune; brave, generous, confiding, and open- stances-security for a treacherous friend-friend
hearted. His ability was above the ordinary stand- absconded-pressure of unforeseen circumstancesard, and he had a warm love and a pure taste for angel wife and four cherub children - a book
letters. He had even bent a knee to Philosophy, coming out next season-deep distress at presentbut the calm and cold graces with which the god- horror at being forced to beg-generous sentiments
dess receives her servants had soon discontented the expressed in the tale written by Mr. Nugent forcibly
young votary with the worship.  "Away!" cried  struck him-a ray of hope broke on his mind-and
he, one morning, flinging aside the volume of La voila the causes of Mr. Gilpin's distress and Mr.
Rochefoucault, which he had fancied he under- Gilpin's visit. Never was there a more interesting
stood; " Away with this selfish and debasing code! personification of the afflicted man of letters than
-men are not the mean things they are here de- Gregory Gilpin. He looked pale, patient, and rescribed-be it mine to think exulting of my species!" spectable; he coughed frequently, and he was
My dear Experience, with how many fine sentiments dressed in deep mourning. Nugent's heart swelled
do you intend to play the devil?  It is not without -he placed a bank-note in Mr. Gilpin's hands-he
reason that Goethe tells us, that though Fate is an  promised more effectual relief, and Mr. Gilpin reexcellent, she is also a very expensive school- tired, overpowered with his own gratitude and Mr.
mistress.                                       Nugent's respectful compassion.  "How happy I
" Ha! my dear Nugent, how are you?".and Cap- am to be rich i" said the generous young philantain Balfour enters the room: a fine, dark, hand- thropist, throwing open his chest.
home fellow, with something of pretension in his   Nugent went to a conversazione at Lady Lenair and a great deal of frankness. "And here is nox's. Her ladyship was a widow, and a charming
the horse. Come to the window. Does he not woman. She was a little of the blue, and a little of
step finely? What action! Do you remark his the fine lady, and a little of the beauty, and a little
forehand? How he carries his tail! Gad, I don't
think you shall have him, after all!"  "Nay, my
dear fellow, you may well be sorry to part with                                 l,
him. He is superb!  Quite sound-eh?"  "Have
him examined."  "Do you think I would not take 
your word for it? The price?"  "Fix it yourself.   iI!;
Prince Paul once offered me a hundred-and-eighty;?
but to you "  "You shall have it."  "No,
Nugent-say, a hundred-and-fifty."  "I won't be
outdone-there's a draft for the 1801."  "Upon  _
my soul, I'm ashamed; but you are such a rich
fellow.  John, take the horse to Mr. Nugents 
stables.  Where will you dine to-day?-at the                                       iI_
Cocoa-tree?"  " With all my heart."
The young men rode together. Nugent was de-                                 i!,;"
lighted with his new purchase. They dined at the                         i
Cocoa-tree. Balfour ordered some early peaches.   /
Nugent paid the bill. They went to the Opera.
"Do you see that dartseuse, Florine?" asked Balfour. "Pretty ankle —eh?"  "Yes, cornrne ~abut dances awkwardly-not handsome.  "What!
not handsome? Come and talk to her. She's
more admired than any girl on the stage."  They |,
went behind the scenes, and Balfour convinced his          -
friend that he ought to be enchanted with Florine.      |              5
Before the week was out, the danseuse kept her
carriage, and in return, Nugent supped with her
twice a week.




THE WORLD AS IT IS.                                    713
of the coquette, and a great deal of the sentimenta- invitation-he was to dine with the Lennoxes.
list. She had one daughter, without a shilling; she  Meanwhile, he went to the shady part of Kensinghad taken a warm interest in a young man of the  ton Gardens to indulge his reflections. He sat
remarkable talents and amiability of Charles Nugent. himself down in an arbor, and looked moralizingly
He sat next her-they talked of the heartlessness over the initials, the dates, and the witticisms, that
of the world-it is a subject on which men of hands, long since mouldering, have consigned to
twenty-one and ladies of forty-five are especially  the admiration of posterity.
eloquent. Lady Lennox complained, Mr. Nugent   A gay party was strolling by this retreat-their
defended. " One does not talk much of innocence," laughter and voices preceded them. "Yes," said
it is said, or something like it is said, somewhere in  a sharp, dry voice, which Nugent recognized as beMadame d' Epinay's Memoirs, " without being sadly  longing to one of the wits of the day-" Yes, I saw
corrupted;" and nothing brings out the goodness you, Lady Lennox, talking sentiment to Nugentof our own hearts more than a charge against the fie! how could you waste your time so unprofitaheartlessness of others. "An excellent woman!" bly!"  " Ah! poor young man! he is certainly
thought Nugent; "what warm  feelings! -how  bien bete, with his fine phrases and so forth: but
pretty her daughter is! Oh, a charming family!"'tis a good creature on the whole, and exceedingly
Charlotte Lennox played an affecting air; Nugent useful!"  "Useful!" "Yes; fills up a vacant place
leaned over the piano; they talked about music, at one's table, at a day's warning; lends me his
poetry, going on the water, sentiment and Rich- carriage-horses when mine have caught cold; submond Hill. They made up a party of pleasure. scribes to my charities for me; and supplies the
Nugent did not sleep well that night-he was cer- drawing-room with flowers. In a word, if he were
tainly in love. When he rose the next morning, more sensible, he would be less agreeable: his sole
the day was bright and fine; Balfour, the best of charm is his foibles."
friends, was to be with him in an hour; Balfour's   Proh Jupiter! what a description, from  the
horse, the best of horses, was to convey him to  most sentimental of mothers, of the most talented,
Richmond; and at Richmond he was to meet Lady  the most interesting of young men. Nugent was
Lennox, the most agreeable of mothers-and Char- thunderstruck; the party swept by; he was undislotte, the most enchanting of daughters. The dan- covered. He raved, he swore, he was furious. He
seuse had always been a bore-she was now forgot- go to the dinner to-day? No, he would write such
ten. "It certainly is a delightful world!" repeated  a letter to the lady-it should speak daggers! But
Nugent, as he tied his neckeloth.              the daughter: Charlotte was not of the party.
Charlotte-oh! Charlotte was quite a different
It was some time-we will not say how long-  creature from her mother —the most natural, the
after the date of this happy day; Nugent was alone most simple of human beings, and evidently loved
in his apartment, and walking to and fro-his arms him. He could not be mistaken there. Yes, for
folded, and a frown upon his brow. "What a her sake he would go to the dinner; he would
rascal! what a mean wretch!-and the horse was smother his just resentment.
lame when he sold it-not worth ten pounds!-    He went to Lady Lennox's. It was a large party.
and I so confiding —d-   my folly!  That, how- The young Marquis of Austerly had just returned
ever, I should not mind; but to have saddled me from his travels. He was sitting next to the most
with his cast-off mistress!-to make me the laugh- lovely of daughters. Nugent was forgotten. After
ing-stock of the world! By heavens, he shall re- dinner, however, he found an opportunity to say a
pent it!  Borrowed money of me, then made few words in a whisper to Charlotte. He hinted a
a jest of my good-nature!-introduced me to his tender reproach, and he begged her to sing " We
club, in order to pillage me!-but, thank God, met;'twas in a crowd."  Charlotte was hoarse-had
thank God, I can shoot him yet! Ha! Colonel; caught cold. Charlotte could not sing. Nugent
this is kind!"  Colonel Nelmore, an elderly gentle- left the room. When he got to the end of the
man, well known in society, with a fine forehead, a street, he discovered that he had left his cane beshrewd, contemplative eye, and an agreeable ad- hind. He went back for it, glad (for he was really
dress, entered the room. To him Nugent poured  in love) of an excuse for darting an angry glance
forth the long list of his grievances, and concluded  at the most simple, the most natural of human
by begging him to convey a challenge to the best beings, that should prevent her  sleeping the
of friends-Captain Balfour. The Colonel raised  whole night. He ascended the drawing-room  and
his eyebrows. "But,-my dear sir,-this gentle- Charlotte was delighting the Marquis of Austerly,
man has certainly behaved ill to you, I allow it-  who leaned over her chair, with Wte met;'twas in a
but for what specific offence do you mean to chal- crowd."  Charlotte Lennox was young, lovely, and
lenge him?"  "For his conduct in general."  The artful. Lord Austerly was young, inexperienced,
Colonel laughed. "For saying yesterday, then, and vain. In less than a month, he proposed, and
that I was grown a d —d bore, and he should  was accepted.
cut me in future. He told Selwyn so in the bow-   "Well, well!" said poor Nugent, one morning,
window at White's." The Colonel took snuff. " My breaking from a reverie; " betrayed in my friendgood young friend," said he, " I see you don't know  ship, deceived in my love, the pleasure of doing
the world. Come and dine with me to-day-a  good is still left to me. Friendship quits us at the
punctual seven. We'll talk over these matters. first stage of life, Love at the second, Benevolence
Meanwhile, you cant challenge a man for calling  lasts till death! Poor Gilpin! how grateful he is:
you a bore."  "Not challenge him! —what should  I must see if I can get hint that place abroad."
I do then?"  "Laugh-shake your head at him, To amuse his thoughts, he took up a new magazine.
and say-' Ah! Balfour, you're a sad fellow!'"  He opened the page at a violent attack on himself
The Colonel succeeded in preventing the challenge, -on his beautiful tale in the "Keepsake."  The
but Nugent's indignation at the best of friends re- satire was not confined to the work; it extended
mained as warm as ever. He declined the Colonel's to the author. He was a fop, a coxcomb, a ninny,




714                               THE WORLD AS IT IS.
an intellectual dwarf, a miserable creature, and an  the gloss is faded from life," answered Nugent,
abortion. These are pleasant studies for a man out sighing. "I love meeting with a pensive man,"
of spirits, especially before he is used to them. said the Colonel; "let me join you, and let us dine
Nugent had just flung the magazine to the other together, tOte-d-tlte, at my bachelor's house. You
end of the room, when his lawyer came to arrange  refused me some time ago; may I be more fortumatters about a mortgage, which the generous nate now?"  "I shall be but poor company," reNugent had already been forced to raise on his joined Nugent; "but I am very much obliged to
estates. The lawyer was a pleasant, entertaining  you, and I accept your invitation with pleasure."
man of the world, accustomed to the society, for   Colonel Nelmore was a man who had told some
he was accustomed to the wants, of young men. He fifty years. He had known misfortune in his day,
perceived Nugent was a little out of humor. He  and he had seen a great deal of the harsh realities
attributed the cause, naturally enough, to the mort- of life. But he had not suffered nor lived in vain.
gage; and to divert his thoughts, he entered first He was no theorist, and did not affect the philosoon a general conversation.                      pher; but he was contented with a small fortune,
i" What rogues there are in the world!" said he. popular with retired habits, observant for a love of
Ntugent groaned.  " This morning, for instance, study, and, above all, he did a great deal of genebefore I came to you, I was engaged in a curious ral good, exactly because he embraced no particupiece of business enough. A gentleman gave his lar system.
son-in-law a qualification to stand for a borough;    "Yes," said Nugent, as they sat together after
the son-in-law kept the deed, and so cheated the  dinner, and the younger man had enibosomed to
good gentleman out of more than 3001. a-year. the elder, who had been his father's most intimate
Yesterday, I was employed against a fraudulent friend, all that had seemed to him the most unexbankrupt-such an instance of long, premeditated, ampled of misfortunes-after he had repeated the
cold-hearted, deliberate rascality! And when I perfidies of Balfour, the faithlessness of Charlotte,
leave you, I must see what is to be done with a and the rascalities of Gilpin-" Yes," said he, "I
literary swindler, who, on the strength of a con- now see my error; I no longer love my species; I
sumptive cough, and a suit of black, has been re- no longer place reliance in the love, friendship,
spectably living on compassion for the last two  sincerity, or virtue of the world; I will no longer
years."  "Ha!" "He has just committed themost trust myself open-hearted in this vast community
nefarious fraud-a forgery, in short, on his own  of knaves; 1 will not fly mankind, but I will desuncle, who has twice seriously distressed himself to  pise them."  The Colonel smiled. "You shall put
save the rogue of a nephew, and who must now  on your hat, my young friend, and pay a little visit
submit to this loss, or proclaim, by a criminal pro- with me: —nay, no excuse; it is only an old lady,
secution, the disgrace of his own family. The  who has given me permission to drink tea with
nephew proceeded, of course, on his knowledge of her."  Nugent demurred, but consented. The two
my client's goodness of heart; and thus a man  gentlemen walked to a small house in the Regent's
suffers in proportion to his amiability."  "Is his Park. They were admitted to a drawing-room,
name Gil-Gil-Gilpin?" stammered Nugent. "The where they found a blind old lady, of a cheerful
same! O-ho! have you been bit too, Mr. Nugent?" countenance and prepossessing manners.  "And
Before our hero could answer, a letter was how does your son do!" asked the Colonel, after
brought to him. Nugent tore the seal; it was the first salutations were over, "have you seen him
from the editor of the magazine in which he had  lately?"  "Seen him  lately! why, you know he
just read his own condemnation. It ran thus:-   rarely lets a day pass without calling on or writing
to me. Since the affliction which visited me with
"SIR, —Having been absent from London on un- blindness, though he has nothing to hope from me,
avoidable business for the last month, and the care though from my jointure I must necessarily be a
of the -  Magazine having thereby devolved on burden to one of his limited income, and mixing so
another, who has very ill discharged its duties, I much with the world as he does; yet had I been
had the surprise and mortification of perceiving, the richest mother in England, and every thing at
on my return this day, that a most unwarrantable  my own disposal, he could not have been more atand personal attack upon you has been admitted in  tentive, more kind to me. He will cheerfully give
the number for this month. I cannot sufficiently  up the gayest party to come and read to me, if I
express my regret, the more especially on finding  am the least unwell, or the least out of spirits; and
that the article in question was written by a mere he sold his horses to pay Miss Blandly, since I
mercenary in letters. To convince you of my con- could not afford from my own income to pay the
cern, and my resolution to guard against such un- salary so accomplished a musician asked, to become
worthy proceedings in future, I enclose you an- my companion. Music, you know, is now my chief
other, and yet severer attack, which was sent to  luxury. Oh, he is a paragon of sons-the world
us for our next number, and for which, I grieve to  thinks him dissipated and heartless; but if they
say, the unprincipled author has already succeeded  could see how tender he is to me!" exclaimed the
in obtaining from the proprietors-a remuneration,"  mother, clasping her hands, as the tears gushed
etc., etc., etc.                               from her eyes. Nugent was charmed; the Colonel
encouraged the lady to proceed; and Nugent
Nugent's eyes fell on the enclosed paper; it was in  thought he had never passed a more agreeable hour
the handwriting of Mr. Gregory Gilpin, the most than in listening to her maternal praises of her
grateful of distressed literary men.            affectionate son.
"Ah, Colonel!" said he, as they left the house,
" You seem melancholy to-day, my dear Nugent," how much wiser have you been than myself; you
said Colonel Nelmore, as he met his young friend  have selected your friends with discretion. What
walking with downcast eyes on the old mall of St. would not I give to possess such a friend as that
James's Park. " I am unhappy, I am discontented; good son must be! But you never told me the




THE WORLD AS IT IS.                                     715
lady's name." " Patience," said the Colonel, taking  have known her since she was that high 1" " What,
snuff, " I have another visit to pay."           she's good-tempered, I suppose?" said the Colonel
Nelmore turned down a little alley, and knocked  sneering.  " Good-tempered-I believe it is imposat a small cottage.  A woman with a child at her sible for her to say a harsh word to any one.
breast opened the door; and Nugent stood in one  There never was so mild, so even-like a temper."
of those scenes of cheerful poverty which it so  "What, and not heartless, eh! this is too good!"
satisfies the complacency of the rich to behold. "Heartless! she nursed me herself when I broke my
"Aha!" said Nelmore, looking round, "you seem  leg coming up stairs: and every night before she went
comfortable enough now; your benefactor has not to bed, would come into my room with her sweet
done his work by halves."  "Blessings on his smile, and see if I wanted any thing."  "And you
heart, no! Oh, sir, when I think how distressed  fancy, Mrs. Johnson, that she'll make a good wife:
he is himself, how often he has been put to it for why, she was not much in love when she married."
money, how calumniated he is by the world, I can- "I don't know as to that, sir, whether she was or
not express how grateful I am, how grateful I not; but I'm sure she is always studying my Lord's
ought to be. He has robbed himself to feed us, wishes, and I heard him myself say this verymornand merely because he knew my husband in youth."  ing to his brother-' Arthur, if you knew what a
The Colonel permitted the woman to run on. Nu- treasure I possess.'"  "You are very right," said
gent wiped his eyes, and left his purse behind him. the Colonel, resuming his natural manner; " and I
" Who is this admirable, this self:denying man?"  only spoke for the pleasure of seeing how-well and
cried he, when they were once more in the street. how justly you could defend your mistress; she is,
" He is in distress himself-would I could relieve  truly, an excellent lady-good evening to you."
him! Ah, you already reconcile me to the world.    "I have seen that woman before," said Nugent,
I acknowledge your motive, in leading me hither;  "but I can't think where; she has the appearance
there are good men as well as bad. All are not of being a housekeeper in some family."  "She is
Balfours and Gilpins! But the name-the name  so."  " How pleasant it is to hear of female excelof these poor people's benefactors!"           lence in the great world," continued Nugent, sigh" Stay," said the Colonel, as they now entered  ing: " it was evident to see the honest servant was
Oxford-street; "this is lucky indeed, I see a good  sincere in her praise. Happy husband, whoever
lady whom I wish to accost."  "Well, Mrs. John- he may be!"
son," addressing a stout, comely, middle-aged wo-    They were now at the Colonel's house.  "Just
man of respectable appearance, who, with a basket let me read this passage," said Nelmore, opening
on her arm, was coming out of an oil shop; "so  the pages of a French philosopher, and as I do not
you have been laboring in your vocation, I see -  pronounce French like a native, I will translate as
making household purchases. And how is your I proceed:
young lady?" "Very well, sir, I'm happy to say,"
replied the woman, courtseying.  "And you are    "In order to love mankind-expect but little
well, too, I hope, sir."  "Yes, considering the dis- from them; in order to view their faults, without
sipation of the long season, pretty well, thank you. bitterness, we must accustom ourselves to pardon.
But I suppose your young mistress is as gay and  them, and to perceive that indulgence is a justice
heartless as ever-a mere fashionable wife, eh!" which frail humanity has a right to demand from
"Sir," said the woman, bridling up, "' there is not a wisdom. Now nothing tends more to dispose us to
better lady in the world than my young lady; I indulgence, to close our hearts against hatred,,to




716          ON THE INCONVENIENCES RESULTING FROM  BEING HANGED.
open them to the principles of a humane and soft less good-tempered, good-natured, or less likely to
morality, than a profound knowledge of the human  be a good mistress and a tolerable wife. Gilpin is
heart-that knowledge which La Rochefoucault the worst instance of the three.  Gilpin is an evipossessed. Accordingly, the wisest men have al- dent scoundrel; but Gilpin is in evident distress.
ways been the most indulgent," etc.             He was in all probability very sorry to attack you,
who had benefited him so largely; but perhaps, as
"And now prepare to be surprised. That good  he is a dull dog, the only thing the Magazines would
son whom you admired so much-whom you wish- buy of him was abuse. You must not think he
ed you could obtain as a friend, is Captain Balfour maligned you out of malice, out of ingratitude, out
-that generous, self-denying man, whom you de- of wantonness; he maligned you for ten guineas.
sired yourself so nobly to relieve, is Mr. Gilpin-  Yet Gilpin is a man, who, having swindled his
that young lady, who, in the flush of health, beauty, father out of ten guineas, would in the joy of the
dissipation, and conquest, could attend the sick  moment give five to a beggar. In the present case
chamber of her servant, and whom her husband dis- he was actuated by a better feeling; he was serving
covers to be a treasure, is Charlotte Lennox!"  the friend of his childhood-few men forget those
"Good Heavens!" cried Nugent, " what then am  youthful ties, however they trample on others.
I to believe? has some juggling been practised on  Your mistake was not the single mistake of supmy understanding? and are Balfour, Gilpin, and  posing the worst people the best —it was the double
Miss Lennox, after all, patterns of perfection?"    mistake of supposing commonplace people-now
"' No, indeed, very far from it; Balfour is a dissi- the best-now the worst; in making what might
pated, reckless man-of loose morality and a low  have been a pleasant acquaintance an intimate
standard of honor; he saw you were destined to  friend; in believing a man in distress must necespurchase experience-he saw you were destined to  sarily be a man of merit; in thinking a good-tembe plundered by some one-he thought he might pered, pretty girl, was an exalted specimen of
as well be a candidate for the profit. He laughed  Human Nature. You were then about to fall into
afterwards at your expense-not because he de- the opposite extreme-and to be as indiscriminaspised you; on the contrary, I believe that he liked  ting in suspicion as you were in credulity. Would
you very much in his way; but because, in the that I could flatter myself that I had saved you
world he lives in, every man enjoys a laugh at his from that-the more dangerous error of the two!"
acquaintance. Charlotte Lennox saw in you a de-   "You have —my dear Nelmore: and now lend
sirable match; nay, I believe she had a positive me your philosopher!"
regard for you: but she had been taught all her   " With pleasure; but one short maxim is as good
life to think equipage, wealth, and station better as all Philosophers can teach you, for Philosophers
than love. She could not resist the temptation of can only enlarge on it-it is simple-it is thisbeing Marchioness of Austerly —not one girl in' TAKE THE WORLD AS IT IS.' 
twenty could; yet she is not on that account the
ON THE INCONVENIENCES RESULTING  FROM  BEING  HANGED.
BY CHARLES LAMB. (ELIA.)
TO THE EDITOR OF THE REFLECTOR.             0, Mr. Reflector! guess at the wretch's misery
SIR, —I am one of those unhappy persons whose who now writes this to you, when, with tears and
misfortunes, it seems, do not entitle them to the burning blushes, he is obliged to confess that he
benefit of pure pity. All that is bestowed upon me has been -HANGED —
of that kind alleviator of human miseries comes   Methinks I hear an involuntary exclamation burst
dashed with a double portion of contempt. My from  you, as your imagination presents to you
griefs have nothing in them that is felt as sacred  fearful images of your correspondent unknownby the bystanders. Yet is my affliction in truth of hanged!
the deepest grain-the heaviest task that was ever   Fear not, Mr. Editor. No disembodied spirit has
given to mortal patience to sustain. Time, that the honor of addressing you. I am flesh and blood,
wears out all other sorrows, can never modify or an unfortunate system of bones, muscles, sinews,
soften mine. Here they must continue to gnaw as arteries, like yourself.
long as that fatal mark                           Then, Ipresume, you mean to be pleasant.-That
Why was I ever born?  Why was innocence in  expression of yours, M.r. Correspondent, must be
my person suffered to be branded with a stain which  taken somehow in a metaphorical sensewas appointed only for the blackest guilt? What   In the plainest sense, without trope or figurehad I done, or my parents, that a disgrace of mine Yes, Mr. Editor! this neck of mine has felt the
should involve a whole posterity in infamy?  I fatal noose, these hands have tremblingly held up
am almost tempted to believe, that, in some pre- the corroborative prayer-book,-these lips have
existent state, crimes to which this sublunary life sucked the moisture of the last consolatory orange,
of mine hath been as much a stranger as the babe -this tongue has chanted the doleful cantata which
that is newly born into it, have drawn down upon  no performer was ever called upon to repeat,me this vengeance, so disproportionate to my ac- this face has had the veiling night-cap drawn over
tions on this globe.                           it —
My brain sickens, and my bosom labors to be de-   But for no crime of mine.-Far be it from me to
livered of the weight that presses upon it, yet my  arraign the justice of my country, which, though
conscious pen shrinks from the avowal. But out it tardy, did at length recognize my innocence. It
must-                                           is not for me to reflect upon judge or jury, now




ON THE INCONVENIENCES RESULTING FROM  BEING HANGED.                         17
that eleven years have elapsed since the erroneous cantly to his companion and say, pointing to me,
sentence was pronounced. Men will always be fal- Smoke his cravat, and ask me if I had got a wen,
lible, and perhaps circumstances did appear at the  that I was so solicitous to cover my neck. Another
time a little strong-                           would inquire, What news from * * * Assizes?
Suffice it to say, that after hanging four minutes, (which you may guess, Mr. Editor, was the scene of
(as the spectators were pleased to compute it,-a  my shame,) and whether the sessions was like to
man that is being strangled, I know from expe- prove a maiden one?  A third would offer to ensure
rience, has altogether a different measure of time  me from drowning. A fourth would teaze me with
from his friends who are breathing leisurely about inquiries how I felt when I was swinging, whether I
him,-I suppose the minutes lengthen as time ap- had not something like a blue flame dancing beproaches eternity, in the same manner as the  fore my eyes?  A fifth took a fancy never to call
miles get longer as you travel northward,)-after me any thing but Lazarus. And an eminent bookhanging four minutes, according to the best calculation of the bystanders, a reprieve came, and I
was cut DOWN -                      ~                             \              -
Really I am ashamed of deforming your pages  
with these technical phrases-if I knew how to express my meaning shorter                             J            11
But to proceed. My first care after I had been
brought to myself by the usual methods, (those
methods that are so interesting to the operator and
his assistants, who are pretty numerous on such
occasions,-but which no patient was ever desirous
of undergoing a second time for the benefit of
science,) my first care was to provide myself with
an enormous stock or cravat to hide the placeyou understand me; —my next care was to procure
a residence as distant as possible from that part of
the country where I had suffered. For that reason
I chose the metropolis, as the place where wound- H i
ed honor (I had been told) could lurk with the least
danger of exciting inquiry, and stigmatized innocence had the best chance of hiding her disgrace
in a crowd. I sought out a new circle of acquaintance, and my circumstances happily enabling me
to pursue my fancy in that respect, I endeavored,
by mingling in all the pleasures which the town
affords, to efface the memory of what I had under-              i
gone.
But, alas! such is the portentous and all-pervad-  
ing chain of connection which links together the
head and members of this great community, my  seller andpub-           -lisher,-who
scheme of lying perdu was defeated almost at the  in his zeal to'              present  the
outset.  A countryman of mine, whom a foolish  public   with                      new facts, had
law-suit had brought'to town, by chance met me, he  lived  in  F                  those days, I
and the secret was soon blazoned about.         am confident, -                   would   not
In a short time, I found myself deserted by most have scrupled                 waiting upon
of those who had been my intimate friends. Not the   person                      himself  last
that any guilt was supposed to attach to my char- mentioned, at   "               the. most criacter. My officious countryman, to do him justice, tical period of               his existence,
had been candid enough to explain my perfect in- to solicit a few facts relative to resuscitation,-had
nocence. But, somehow or other, there is a want the modesty to offer me-guineas per sheet, if I
of strong virtue in mankind. We have plenty of would write, in his Magazine, a physiological acthe softer instincts, but the heroic character is gone. count of my feelings upon coming to myself.
How else can I account for it, that of all my nu-   But these were evils which a moderate fortitude
merous acquaintance, among whom I had the honor might have enabled me to struggle with. Alas!
of ranking sundry persons of education, talents, and  Mr. Editor, the women,-whose good graces I had
worth, scarcely here and there one or two could be always most assiduously cultivated, from  whose
found who had the courage to associate with a man  softer minds I had hoped a more delicate and genthat had been hanged.                           erous sympathy than I found in the men,-the woThose few who did not desert me altogether were men began to shun me. This was the unkindest
persons of strong but coarse minds; and from the  blow of all.
absence of all delicacy in them, I suffered almost as   But is it to be wondered at? How couldst thou
much as from the superabundance of a false species imagine, wretchedest of beings, that that tender
of it in the others.  Those who stuck by me were  creature Seraphina would fling her pretty arms
the jokers, who thought themselves entitled, by the  about that neck which previous circumstances had
fidelity which they had shown towards me, to use rendered infamous?  That she would put up with
me with what familiarity they pleased. Many and  the refuse of the rope, the leavings of the cord?
unfeeling are the jests that I have suffered from  Or that any analogy could subsist between the knot
these rude (because faithful) Achateses. As they  which binds true lovers, and the knot which ties
passed me in the streets, one would nod signifi- malefactors?




718           ON THE INCONVENIENCES RESULTING  FROM  BEING  HANGED.
I can forgive that pert baggage Flirtilla, who, a personal interview with Celestina after her return.
when I complimented her one day on the execution  But before three months were at an end, I learned
which her eyes had done, replied, that, to be sure, from the newspapers that my beloved had-given
Mr. * * was a judge of those things. But from  her hand to another!
thy more exalted mind, Celestina, I expected a    Heart-broken as I was, I was totally at a loss to
more unprejudiced decision.                     account for the strange step which she had taken;
The person whose true name I conceal under this and it was not till some years after that I learned
appellation, of all the women that I was acquainted  the true reason from a female relation of hers, to
with, had the most manly turn of mind, which she  whom  it seems Celestina had confessed in confihad improved by reading and the best conversation. deunce, that it was no demerit of mine that had
Her understanding was not more masculine than  caused her to break off the match so abruptly, nor
her manners and whole disposition were delicately  any preference which she might feel for any other
and truly feminine. She was the daughter of an  person, for she preferred me (she was pleased to
officer who had fallen in the service of his country, say) to all mankind; but when she came to lay
leaving his widow, and Celestina, an only child, the matter closer to her heart, she found that she
with a fortune sufficient to set them above want, never should be able to bear the sight-(I give you
but not to enable them to live in splendor.  I had  her very words as they were detailed to me by her
the mother's permission to pay my addresses to the  relation)-the sight of a man in a nightcap, who
young lady, and Celestina seemed to approve of my  had appeared on a public platform-it would lead
suit.                                           to such a disagreeable association of ideas! And
Often and often have I poured out my over- to this punctilio I was sacrificed.
charged soul in the presence of Celestina, complain-   To pass over an infinite series of minor mortifiing of the hard and unfeeling prejudices of the  cations, to which this last and heaviest might well
world; and the sweet maid has again and again  render me callous, behold me here, Mr. Editor! in
declared, that no irrational prejudice should hinder the thirty-seventh year of my existence, (the twelfth,
her from  esteeming every man according to his reckoning from my reanimation,) cut off from all
intrinsic worth. Often has she repeated the con- respectable connections; rejected by the fairer half
solatory assurance, that she could never consider of the community,-who in my case alone seem to
as essentially ignominious an accident, which was have laid aside the characteristic pity of their sex;
indeed to be deprecated, but which might have hap- punished because I was once punished unjustly;
pened to the most innocent of mankind.  Then  suffering for no other reason than because I once
would she set forth some illustrious example, which  had the misfortune to suffer without any cause at
her reading easily furnished, of a Phocion or a all. In no other country, I think, but this, could a
Socrates unjustly condemned; of a Raleigh or a Sir man have been subject to such a life-long persecuThomas More, to whom late posterity had done  tion, when once his innocence had been clearly
justice; and by soothing my fancy with some such  established.
agreeable parallel, she would make me almost to    Had I crawled forth a rescued victim from the
triumph in my disgrace, and convert my shame  rack, in the horrible dungeons of the Inquisition,into glory.                                     had I heaved myself up from a half bastinado in
In such entertaining and instructive conversa- China, or been torn from the just-entering, ghastly
tions the time passed on, till I importunely urged  impaling stake in Barbary,-had I dropt alive from
the mistress of my affections to name a day for our the knout in Russia, or come off with a gashed
union.  To this she obligingly consented, and I neck from the half-mortal, scarce-in-time-retracted
thought myself the happiest of mankind. But how  cimeter of an executioneering slave in Turkey, —I
I was surprised one morning on the receipt of the  might have borne about the remnant of this frame
following billet from my charmer:-              (the mangled trophy of reprieved innocence) with
credit to myself, in any of those barbarous counSIR,-You must not impute it to levity, or to a tries. No scorn, at least, would have mingled with
worse failing, ingratitude, if, with anguish of heart, the pity (small as it might be) with which what was
I feel myself compelled by irresistible arguments to  left of me would have been surveyed.
recall a vow which I fear I made with too little    The singularity of my case has often led me to
consideration. I never can be yours. The reasons  inquire into the reasons of the general levity with
of my decision, which is final, are in my own breast, which the subject of hanging is treated as a topic
and you must everlastingly remain a stranger to  in this country.  I say, as a topic: for let the very
them. Assure yourself that I can never cease to  persons who speak so lightly of the thing at a disesteem you as I ought.                          tance be brought to view the real scene,-let the
CELESTINA.     platform be bona fide exhibited, and the trembling
culprit brought forth,-the case is changed; but as
At the sight of this paper, I ran in frantic haste  a topic of conversation, I appeal to the vulgar jokes
to Celestina's lodgings, where I learned, to my in- which pass current in every street. But why menfinite mortification, that the mother and daughter tion them, when the politest authors have agreed
were set off on a journey to a distant part of the  in making use of this subject as a source of the
country, to visit a relation, and were not expected  ridiculous?  Swift, and Pope, and. Prior, are fond
to return in less than four months.             of recurring to it. Gay has built an entire drama
Stunned by this blow, which left me without the  upon this single foundation. The whole interest of
courage to solicit an explanation by letter, even if the Beggars' Opera may be said to hang upon it.
I had known where they were, (for the particular To such writers as Fielding and Smollett it is a peraddress was industriously concealed from  me,) I feet bonne-bouche.-Hear the facetious Tom Brown,
waited with impatience the termination of the  in his Comical View of London and Westminster,
period, in the vain hope that I might be permitted  describe the Order of the Show at one of the Tyburn
to have a chance of softening the harsh decision by  Executions in his time:-" Mr. Ordinary visits his




ON THE INCONVENIENCES RESULTING  FROM  BEING  HANGED.                           719
few pemt!ellaI dr'i;ops fallir i i une
melancholy flock in Newgate by
eight.  Doleful procession  up
Holborn-hill about eleven. Men                                      cn        bh
handsome and proper that were
never thou(ht so before, which
is some comfort, however. Arrive at the fatal place by twelve.
Burnt brandy, women, and sab-         -it
bath-breaking, repentedof. Some                            wt wa
few penitential drops fall under 
the gallows. Sheriff's men, parson, pickpockets, criminals, all
very busy.  The last concluding peremptory psalmhn  struck up.  Show over by  these are uses to which we cannot without a mixone. "-In this sportive strain does this misguided  ture of spleen and contempt behold the human carwit think proper to play with a subject so serious, eass reduced.  We string up dogs, foxes, bats,
which yet he would hardly have done if he had not'moles, weasels.  Man surely deserves a steadier
known that there existed a predisposition in the  death.
habits of his unaccountable countrymen to consider    Another reason why the ludicrous associates more
the subject as a jest.  But what shall we say to  forcibly with this than with any other mode of punShakspere, who, (not to mention the solution which  ishment, I cannot help thinking to be, the senseless
the Gravedigger in Hbamlet gives of his fellow-work- costume with which old prescription has thought
man's problem,) in that scene in Measure for laleas- fit to clothe the exit of malefactors in this country.
ure, where the Clown calls upon Master Barnardine  Let a man do what he will to abstract from  his
to get up and be hanged, which he declines on the  imagination all idea of the whimsical, something of
score of being sleepy, has actually gone out of his it will come across him when he contemplates the
way to gratify this amiable propensity in his coun- figure of a fellow-creature in the day-time (in howtrymen; for it is plain, from the use that was to be  ever distressing a situation) in a night-cap.  Whemade of his head, and from Abhorson's asking, "Is ther it be that this nocturnal addition has somethe axe upon the block, sirrah?" that beheading, thing  discordant with daylight, or that it is the
not hanging, was the punishment to which Barnar- dress which we are seen in at those times when we
dine was destined. But Shakspere knew that the  are "seen," as the Angel in Milton expresses it,
axe and block were pregnant with no ludicrous "least wise,"-this, I am afraid, will always be the
images, and therefore falsified the historic truth of  case; unless, indeed, as in my instance, some strong
his own drama (if I may so speak), rather than he  personal feeling overpower the ludicrous altogether.
would leave out such excellent matter for a jest as To me, when I reflect upon the train of misfortunes
the suspending of a fellow-creature in mid-air has which have pursued men through life, owing to that
been ever esteemed to be by Englishmen.           accursed drapery, the cap presents as purely frightOne reason why the ludicrous never fails to in- ful an object as the sleeveless yellow-coat and deviltrude itself into our contemplations upon this mode  painted mitre of the San Benitos.  An ancestor of
of death, I supppse to be, the absurd posture into  mine, who suffered for his loyalty in the time of
which a man is thrown who is condemned to dance, the civil, wars, was so sensible of the truth of what
as the vulgar delight to express it, upon nothing. I am  here advancing, that on the morning of
To see him whisking and wavering in the air,      execution, no entreaties could prevail upon him to
* As the wind you know will wave a man;*   submit to the odious dishabille, as he called it, but
he insisted upon wearing, and actually suffered in,
to behold the vacant carcass, from which the life is the identical flowing periwig which he is painted in,
newly dislodged, shifting between earth and heaven, in the gallery belonging to my uncle's seat in -
the sport of every gust; like a weathercock, serv- shire.
ing to show from which point the wind blows; like    Suffer me, Mr. Editor, before I quit the subject,
a maukin, fit only to scare away birds; like a nest to say a word or two respecting the minister of
left to swing upon a bough when the bird is flown: justice in this country; in plain words, I mean the
hangman. It has always appeared to me that, in
* Hieronimo, in the Spanish Tragedy.     the mode of inflicting capital punishments with us,




720                             A FAREWELL TO TOBACCO.
there is too much of the ministry of the human winter. I think I see him now,-in a waistcoat
hand. The guillotine, as performing its functions that had been mine,-smirking along as he knew
more of itself, and sparing human agency, though a mecruel and disgusting exhibition, in my mind, has   In some parts of Germany, that fellow's office is
many ways the advantage over our way. In be- by law declared infamous, and his posterity incapaheading, indeed, as it was formerly practised in ble of being ennobled.  They have hereditary
England, and in whipping to death, as is sometimes hangmen, or had, at least, in the same manner as
practised now, the hand of man is no doubt suffi- they had hereditary other great officers of state;
ciently busy; but there is something less repugnant and the hangmen's families of two adjoining parin these downright blows than in the officious bar- ishes intermarried with each other, to keep the
ber-like ministerings of the other. To have a fellow  breed entire. I wish something of the same kind
with his hangman's hands fumbling about your were established in England.
collar, adjusting the thing as your valet would reg-   But it is time to quit a subject which teems with
ulate your cravat, valuing himself on his menial disagreeable imagesdexterity-                                        Permit me to subscribe myself, Mr. Editor,
I never shall forget meeting my rascal,-I mean                Your unfortunate friend,
the fellow who officiated for me,-in London last                                   PENSILIS.
A FAREWELL TO TOBACCO.
BY CHARLES LAMB. (ELIA.)
MAY the Babylonish curse                        Liken'st us to fell Chimeras,
Strait confound my stammering verse,            Monsters that, who see us, fear us;
If I can a passage see                          Worse than Cerberus or Geryon,
In this word-perplexity,                        Or, who first loved a cloud, Ixion.
Or a fit expression find,
Or a language to my mind,
(Still the phrase is wide or scant)            Bacchus we know, and we allow
To take leave of thee, GREAT PLANT!             His tipsy rites. But what art thou,
Or in any terms relate                          That but by reflex canst show
Half my love, or half my hate;                  What his deity can do,
For I hate, yet love, thee so,                  As the false Egyptian spell
That, whichever thing I show,                   Aped the true Hebrew miracle?
The plain truth will seem to be                 Some few vapors thou may'st raise,
A constrain'd hyperbole,                        The weak brain may serve to amaze,
And the passion to proceed                      But to the reins and nobler heart
More from a mistress than a weed.               Canst nor life nor heat impart.
Sooty retainer to the vine,                     Brother of Bacchus, later born,
Bacchus' black servant, negro fine;             The old world was sure forlorn,
Sorcerer, that mak'st us dote upon              Wanting thee, that aidest more
Thy begrimed complexion:                        The god's victories than before
And, for thy pernicious sake,                   All his panthers, and the brawls
More and greater oaths to break,                Of his piping Bacchanals.
Than reclaimed lovers take                      These, as stale, we disallow,'Gainst women: thou thy siege dost lay          Or judge of thee meant: only thou
Much too in the female way,                     His true Indian conquest art;
While thou suck'st the lab'ring breath          And, for ivy round his dart,
Faster than kisses or than death.               The reformed god now weaves
A finer thyrsus of thy leaves.
Thou in such a cloud dost bind us,
That our worst foes cannot find us,             Scent to match thy rich perfume
And ill fortune, that would thwart us,          Chemic art did ne'er presume
Shoots at rovers shooting at us;                Through her quaint alembic strain,
While each man, through thy height'ning steam,  None so sov'reign to the brain.
Does like a smoking Etna seem,                  Nature, that did in thee excel,
And all about us does express                   Framed again no second smell.
(Fancy and wit in richest dress)               Roses, violets, but toys
A Sicilian fruitfulness.                        For the smaller sort of boys,
Or for green - damsels meant;
Thou art the oniy manly scent.
Thou through such a mist dost show us,
That our best friends do not know us,
And for those allowed features,                 Stinkingest of the stinking kind,
Due to reasonable creatures,                    Filth of the mouth and fog of the mind,












THE WIT AND HUMOR OF CHARLES LAMB.                                 721
Africa, that brags her foyson,                   While their sorrow's at the height,
Breeds no such prodigous poison,                 Lose discrimination quite,
Henbane, nightshade, both together,              And their hasty wrath let fall,
Hemlock, aconite~                                To appease their frantic gall,
On the darling thing whatever,
Nay, rather,                 Whence they feel it death to sever,
Plant divine, of rarest virtue;                  Though it be, as they, perforce,
Blisters on the tongue would hurt you.           Guiltless of the sad divorce.'Twas but in a sort I blamed thee;
None e'er prosper'd who defamed thee;
Irony all, and feign'd abuse,                    For I must (nor let it grieve thee,
Such as perplext lovers use,                     Friendliest of plants, that I must) leave thee;
At a need, when, in despair                      For thy sake, TOBACCO, I
To paint forth their fairest fair,               Would do any thing but die,
Or in part but to express                        And but seek to extend my days.
That exceeding comeliness                        Long enough to sing thy praise.
Which their fancies doth so strike,              But, as she, who once hath been
They borrow language of dislike;                 A king's consort, is a queen
And, instead of Dearest Miss,                    Ever after, nor will bate
Jewel, Honey, Sweetheart, Bliss,                 Any title of her state,
And those forms of old admiring,                 Though a widow, or divorced,
Call her Cockatrice and Siren,                   So I, from thy converse forced,
Basilisk and all that's evil,                    The old name and style retain,
Witch, Hyena, Mermaid, Devil,                    A right Katherine of Spain;
Ethiop, Wench, and Blackamoor,                   And a seat, too,'mongst the joys
Monkey, Ape, and twenty more;                    Of the blest Tobacco Boys;
Friendly Trait'ress, loving Foe,-                Where, though I, by sour physician,
Not that she is truly so,                        Am debarr'd the full fruition
But no other way they know                       Of thy favors, I may catch
A contentment to express,                       Some collateral sweets, and snatch
Borders so upon excess,                         Sidelong odors, that give life
That they do not rightly wot                    Like glances from a neighbor's wife;
Whether it be pain or not.                       And still live in the bye-places
And the suburbs of thy graces;
Or, as men, constrain'd to part                 And in thy borders take delight,
With what's nearest to their heart,             An unconquer'd Canaanite.
THE WIT AND HUMOR OF CHARLES LAMB.
COLERIDGE in 1799, went to Germany, and left   THE PLEASURES OF LONDON.-Streets, streets,
word to Lamb, that if he wished any information  streets, markets, theatres, churches, Covent Garon any subject, he might apply to him, (i. e. by  dens; shops sparkling with pretty faces of indusletter,) so Lamb sent him the following abstruse  trious milliners, neat seamstresses, ladies cheapenpropositions, to which, however, Coleridge did not ing, gentlemen behind counters lying, authors in
"deign an answer."                              the streets with spectacles (you may know them by
Whether God loves a lying angel better than a their gait), lamps lighted at night, pastry-cook and
true man?                                      silversmiths' shops, beautiful Quakers of Pentonville,
Whether the archangel Uriel could knowingly  noise of coaches, dreary cry of mechanic watchmen
affirm an untruth, and whether, if he could, he by night, with bucks reeling home drunk; if you
would?                                          happen to wake at midnight, cries of fire and stop
Whether the higher order of seraphim illuminati thief; Inns of Court, with their learned air, and
ever sneeze?                                    stalls and butteries just like Cambridge Colleges;
Whether an immortal and amenable soul may  old book stalls, " Jeremy Taylors," "Burtons on
not come to be damned at last, and the man never Melancholy," and " Religio Medici," on every stall.
suspect it beforehand?                         These are thy pleasures, 0 London!
MOVING.-What a dislocation of comfort is im-   NOTHING TO   -Positively, the best thing a man
plied in that word moving! Such a heap of little,   NOTHING TO DO.-POSnthVely, the best thing a man
nasty things, after you think all is got into the can have to do is nothing, and, next to that, percart; old dredging boxes, worn-out trunks, galli-haps, good works.
pots, vials, things that it is impossible the most   BRANDY-AND-WATER.-Of this mixture, Charles
necessitous person can ever want, but which wo- Lamb said it spoiled two good things.
men, who preside on these occasions, will not leave
behind, if it was to save your soul; they'd keep the    MIsERs.-The passion for wealth has worn out
cart ten minutes, to stow in dirty pipes and broken  much of its grossness by track of time. Our anmatches, to show their economy. They can find cestors certainly conceived of money as able to
nothing you want for many days after you get into  confer a distinct gratification in itself, not alone
your new lodgings. You must comb your hair with  considered simply as a symbol of wealth.  The
your fingers, wash your hands without soap, go  oldest poets, when they introduce a miser, constantabout in dirty gaiters.                         ly make him address his gold as his mistress; as




722                    THE WIT AND HUMOR OF CHARLES LAMB.
something to be seen, felt, and hugged; as capable   PUNNING TRANSLATION.-Coleridge's motto, "serof satisfying two of the senses at least. The sub- moni proprioria," was translated by Lamb, as " prostitution of a thin, unsatisfying medium for the  perer for a sermon."
good old tangible gold, has made avarice quite a
Platonic affection in comparison with the seeing,   Hood says that Lamb never affected any spurious
touching, and humbling pleasures of the old Chry- gravity. Neither did he ever act the Grand Senior.
sophilities. A bank-note can no more satisfy the  He did not exact that common copy-book respect,
touch of a true sensualist in this passion, than Creusa which some asinine persons would fain command,
could return her husband's embrace in the shades. on account of the mere length of their years; as
A miser is sometimes a grand personification of if forsooth, what is bad in itself, could be the betFear. He has a fine horror of Poverty; and hle is ter for keeping; as if intellects already mothery,
not content to keep Want from the door, or at got any thing but grand-mothery by lapse of tinle!
arm's length-but he places it, by heaping wealth
upon wealth, at a sublime distance.               A COLD. —" Do  you know what it is?" asked
Lamb of Bernard Barton, describing his own state,
"to succumb under an insurmountable daymarePESENoTS.-sIf presents be not the soul of friend-'a whoreson lethargy,' Falstaff calls it-an indispoship, doubtless they are the most spiritual part of  sition to do any thing, or to be any thing-a total
the body in that intercourse. There is too much  deadness and distaste-a suspension of vitality-an
narrowness of thinking on this point. The punc- indifference to locality-a numb soporifical goodtilio of acceptance, methinks, is too confined and  for-nothingness-an ossification all over-an oysterstraitened. I should be content to receive money, like indifference to passing events-a mind-stupor
or clothes, or a joint of meat from a friend. Why  -a brawny defiance to the needles of a thrustingshould he not send me a dinner as well as a dessert? in conscience-with a total irresolution to submit
I would taste him in the beasts of the field, and  to water-gruel processes?"
through all creation.
BOILED MUTTON.-A  farmer, Charles Lamb's
CANNIBALS.-Lamb writes to his friend Manning, chance companion in a coach, kept boring him to
to dissuade him from going to China, and endeavors death with questions as to the state of the crops.
to instil the fear of cannibals into his mind: "Some At length he put a poser —" And pray, sir, how go
say the Tartars are cannibals, and then conceive a turnips?"  "Why, that, sir (stammered out Lamb),
fellow eating my friend, and adding the cool malig- will depend upon the boiled legs of mutton."
ntity of mustard and vinegar."                    MAKING BOTH ENDS MEET. -While Lamb was
clerk at the India House, he used his own pleasure
THE BEST KIND OF AcmD.-Martin Burney was in observing the hours of attendance. The other
one day explaining the three kinds of acid, very  officials grumbled, and one of the heads of the
lengthily, to Charles Lamb, when the latter stopped  establishment undertook to lecture the erring Elia.
him by saying: " The best of all kind of acid, how- " Mr. Lamb, you come very late every morning."
ever, as you know, Martin, is uity-assiduity."  "I do, sir," said Lamb, "but I make up for it by
going away very early every afternoon."
DIRTY HtANDS.-Lamb once said to a brother
whist player, Martin Burney, whose hands were,"Charles," said Coleridge, one day, to Lamb,
did you ever hear me preach?"  "I never heard
none of the cleanest, "Martin, if dirt was trumps, did you ever hear me preach?"  "I ever heard
what a hand you'd have."                        you do any thing else," said Lamb.
On a cold and drizzling day, a mendicant faced
GOOD ACTIONS.-The greatest pleasure I know, Lamb in the street with an appealing look and outis to do a good action by stealth, and to have it stretched hand. "I have seen better days," said
found out by accident.                         the beggar, in a whining tone.  " So have I," said
Lamb, shrugging his shoulders, and buttoning up
PAYING FOR THINGS.-One cannot bear to pay  his coat. "This is a very bad day, indeed."
for articles he used to get for nothing.  When
Adam laid out his first penny upon nonpareils at   Lamb was reserved  amongst strangers.  His
some stall in Mesopotamia, I think it went hard  friend T —, about to introduce him to a circle of
with him, reflecting upon his old goodly orchard, new faces, said, " ow will you promise, Lanrb, not
where he had so many for nothing.               to be as sheepish as usual?"  Charles replied, with
a rustic air, "I wool."
SIGN FOR A SCHOOL.-A widow friend of Lamb,   ON PUNS.-" A pun," said Lamb in a letter to
having opened a preparatory school for children, at Coleridge, in which he eulogized the Odes and adCamden Town, said to him, "I live so far from  dresses of his friends Hood and Reynolds, "is a thing
town I must have a sign, I think you call it, to show  of too much consequence to be thrown in as a
that I teach children."  "Well," he replied, " you  make-weight. You shall read one of the addresses
can have nothing better than' The Murder of the twice over and miss the puns, and it shall be quite
innocents."'                                    as good, or better, than when you discover them.
A pun is a noble thing per se. 0 never bring it in
A SHARP SET.-The Sexton of Salisbury Cathe- as an accessary. A pun is a sole digest of reflecdral, was telling Lamb, that eight persons had  tion; it is entire; it fills the mind; it is as perfect
dined together upon the top of the spire; upon  as a sonnet; better. It limps ashamed in the train
which he remarked, that "They must have been  and retinue of humor-it knows it should have an
sharp set."                                     establishment of its own.




THE BON-VIVANT.                                     723
THE BON-VIVANT.
FROM i" PERICLES AND ASPASIA."  BY WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR.
WE had invited Polus to dine with us, and now    The field was won; nothing was left upon it.
condoled with him on his loss of appetite. * *    Another slave came forward, announcing loudly
Slaves brought in an ewer of water, with several and pompously, "Gosling from Brauron! Sauce,
napkins. They were not lost upon Polus, and he de- prunes, mustard-seed, capers, fenugreek, sesamum,
dared that those two boys had more sagacity and I and squills."
intuition than all the people in the theatre. * * *    "Squills! " exclaimed Polus, "they soothe the
Supper was served.                            chest. It is not every cook that is deep in the
"A quail, O best Polus."                     secrets of nature.  Brauron! an ancient city: I
"A quail, 0 wonderful! may hurt me; but being  have friends in Brauron; I will taste were it only
recommended-"                                   for remembrance of them."
It disappeared.                                 He made several essays, several pauses.
" The breast of that capon —"                   " But when shall we come to the squills? " said
"Capons, being melancholic, breed melancholy  he, turning to the slave; "the qualities of the
within."                                        others are negative."
" Coriander-seed might correct it, together with  The whole dish was, presently.
a few of those white plump pine-seeds."           " Our pastry," said I, " O illustrious Polus! is the
" The very desideratum."                      only thing I can venture to recommend at table;
It was corrected.                             the other dishes are merely on sufferance; but,
"Tunnv under oil, with marjoram  and figs, really our pastry is good; I usually dine entirely
pickled locusts, and pistachios-for your stomach  upon it."
seems delicate."                                  "Entirely," cried he, in amaze.
-/   a
"Alas! indeed it is declining. Tunny! tunny!    "With a glass of water," added I, "and some
I dare not, 0 festoon of the Graces! I dare not grapes, fresh or dry."
verily. Chian wine alone can appease its seditions."    "To accompany you, O divine Aspasia! though
They were appeased.                           in good truth this said pastry is but a sandy sort of
Some livers were offered him, whether of fish or road; no great way can be made in it."
fowl, I know not, for I can hardly bear to look at   The diffident Polus was not a bad engineer howthat dish. He waved them away, but turned sud-  ever, and he soon had an opportunity of admiring
denly round, and said, "Youth! I think I smell the workmanship at the bottom of the salver.
fennel."                                          Two dishes of roast meat were carried to him. I
"There is fennel, O mighty one!" replied the  know not what one was, nor could Polus make up
slave, "and not fennel only, but parsley and honey, his mind upon it: experiment following experiment.
pepper and rosemary, garlic from Salamis, and —"   Kid, however, was an old acquaintance.
"Say no more, say no more; fennel is enough    " Those who kill kids," said he, " deserve well of
for moderate men, and brave ones. It reminds me their country, for they grow up mischievous: the
of the field of Marathon."                     I Gods, aware of this, make them very eatable. They




724                             A CHAPTER ON OLD COATS.
require some management, some skill, some reflec- I am resolved to betray one secret of his: I have
tion: mint, shalot, dandelion, vinegar: strong co- caught him several times trying them as he called it.
ercion upon'em. Chian wine, boy!"                "How many things are there that people pretend
"What does Pericles eat?"                     to dislike, without any reason, as far as we know,
"Do not mind Pericles. He has eaten of the  for the dislike or the pretence!
quails, and some roast fish, besprinkled with dried    "I love sweet odors. Surely my Cleone herself
bay-leaves for sauce."                          must have breathed her very soul into these! Let
"Fish! ay, that makes him so vigilant. Cats —"  me smell again: let me inhale them into the sancHere he stopt, not however without a diversion  tuary of my breast, lighted up by her love for their
in his favor from me, observing that he usually  reception.
dined on vegetables, fish, and some bird: that his   "But, ah, Cleone! what an importunate and exearlier meal was his longest, confectionery, honey, acting creature is Aspasia! Have you no willows
and white bread composing it.                   fresh-peeled? none lying upon the banks for bas" Chian or Lesbian?"                         kets, white, rounded, and delicate as your fingers!
"He enjoys a little wine after dinner, preferring  How very fragrant they were formerly!  I have
the lighter and subacid."                       seen none lately. Do you remember the cross old
"Wonderful man!" cried he; "and all from  Hermesionax? how he ran to beat us for breaking
such fare as that! "                            his twigs? and how, after looking in our faces, he
Another exquisite letter, again in a different seated himself down again, finished his basket, disstrain:                                         bursed from a goat-skin a corroded clod of rancid
"Thanks for the verses! I hope Leuconoe was cheese, put it in, pushed it to us, forced it under
as grateful as I am, and as sensible to their power my arm, and told us to carry it home with the Gods!
of soothing.                                    and lifted up both hands and blest us.
"Thanks too for the perfumes!  Pericles is   "I do not wish that one exactly; cheese is the
ashamed of acknowledging he is fond of them; but cruellest of deaths to me, and Pericles abhors it."
A  CHAPTER  ON  OLD  COATS.
ANONYMOUS.
I LOVE an old coat. By an old coat, I mean not gravity, under the snout of an embodied " Memento
one of last summer's growth, on which the gloss Mori?"  What, an alderman, but a furred gown
yet lingers, shadowy, and intermittent, like a faint and white napkin stuck beneath the triple chin of a
ray of sun-light on the counting-house desk or a polypetalous personification of dyspepsia?-Caxon
clothier's warehouse in Eastcheap, but a real un- the barber held opinions similar to these.  " Pray,
questionable antique, which for some five or six  sir," said he to the antiquary, " do not venture near
years has withstood the combined assaults of sun, the sands to-night; for when you are dead and gone
dust, and rain, has lost all pretensions to starch, un- there will be only three wigs left in the village!"*
social formality, and gives the shoulders assurance    If then we look to the dress-of which the coat,
of ease, and the waist of a holiday. Such a coat is of course, forms the chief feature-as the criterion
my delight. It presents itself to my mind's eye, of a man, it is logically manifest, that the appearmixed up with a thousand varying recollections, ance of certain coats will renew the recollection of
and not only shadows forth the figures, but recalls certain individuals; or suppose we substitute the
the very faces, even to the particular expression of word "coat" for "man," and it will be equally
eye, brow, or lip, of friends over whom the waters manifest that a certain coat is bona fide a certain
of oblivion have long since rolled. This, you will man. Now, whenever I see an old coat, brown,
say, is strange. Granted; but mark how I deduce  rusty, and long-waisted, with the dim metal buttons
my analogy!                                    at the back sewed on so far apart, that if a shortIn that repository of wit, learning, and sarcasm, sighted man were to stand upon the one, he could
the "Tale of a Tub," Swift pertinently remarks, scarcely, according to the ordinary laws of probathat in forming an estimate of an individual's trade  bility, see over to the other; I imagine, on Swift's
or profession, one should look to his dress. The principle, that I see my fat city friend, Tims, who
man himself is nothing: his apparel is the distin- died of a lord mayor's feast, ten years since come
guishing characteristic; the outward and visible  Martinmas. In like manner, whenever I behold a
sign of his inward and spiritual grace. What, adds gaunt, attenuated, blue surtout, so perfectly oldthe satirist, is a lawyer, but a black wig and gown, fashioned in shape, that I should hardly be justified
hung upon an animated peg, like a barber's caxon  in making an affidavit before Sir Richard Birnie,
on a block?  What, a judge, but an apt conjunc- that, to the best of my belief, it was younger than
tion of scarlet and white ermine, thrown over a the Temple of the Sun at Palmyra; I think that I
similar peg, a little stouter, perhaps, and stuck on  behold my ancient college-chum, Dickson —the
a bench? What, a dandy, but a pair of tight per- cream of bachelors-the pink of politeness-the
suasives to corns and gentility, exuberant panta- most agreeable of tipplers, who expired last year
loons, and unimpeachable coat and hat, trimly ap- of vexation, the necessary consequence of his havpended to a moving stick, from a yard and a half, to  ing been married a full fortnight to a blue-stocking.
two yards high, grown in Bond-street, and cut down  Peace to his ashes-he always spoke respectfully of
in the fulness of time in the King's Bench? What, whisky-punch!
a lord mayor, but a gold chain stuck round the neck    Old coats are the indices by which a man's pecuof a plump occupier of space? What, a physician, but
a black gilt-headed cane, thrust with professional * Vide Sir Walter Scott's novel of The Antiquary, Vol. I.




A. THOUSAND YEARS AGO.                                    725
liar turn of mind may be pointed out. So tena- per; but were I called upon to put forward the most
ciously do I hold this opinion, that, in passing down  unique impersonation of comfort, I should give a
a crowded thoroughfare, the Strand, for instance, I plumper in favor of an old coat. The very mention
would wager odds, that in seven out of ten cases, I of this luxury conjures up a thousand images of enwould tell a stranger's character and calling by the  joyment.  It speaks of warm fire-sides, —long flowmere cut of his every-day coat. Who can mistake  ing curtains-a downy arm-chair-a nicely trimthe staid, formal gravity of the orthodox divine, in  med lamp-a black cat fast asleep on the hearththe corresponding weight, fulness, and healthy con- rug-a bottle of old Port (vintage 1812)-a snuffdition of his familiar, easy-natured flaps?  Who  box-a cigar-a Scotch novel-and, above all, a
sees not the necessities-the habitual eccentricities social independent, unembarrassed attitude. With
of the poet, significantly developed in his two hag- a new coat, this last blessing is unattainable. Imgard, shapeless old apologies for skirts, original in  prisoned in this detestable tunic-oh, how unlike
their genius as "' Christabel," uncouth in their build  the flowing toga of the ancients!-we are perpetas the New Palace at Pimlico? Who can misappre- ually haunted with a consciousness of the necessihend the motion of the spirit, as it slily flutters be- ties of our condition. A sudden pinch in the waist
neath the quaker's drab? Thus, too, the sable hue  dispels a philosophic reverie; another in the elbow
of the lawyer's working coat corresponds most con- withdraws us from the contemplation of the poet to
vincingly with the color of his conscience; while the recollection of the tailor; Snip's goose vanhis thrift, dandyism, and close attention at appear- quishes Anacreon's dove; while, as regards our
ances, tells their own tale in the half-pay officer's position, to lean forward is inconvenient; to lean
smart but somewhat faded exterior.              backward extravagant; to lean sideways impossible.
No lover of independence ventures voluntarily on  The great secret of happiness is the ability to merge
a new coat. This is an axiom not to be overturn- self in the contemplation of nobler objects. This a
ed, unlike the safety stage-coaches. The man who  new coat, as I have just now hinted, forbids. It
piques himself on the newness of such an habili- keeps incessantly intruding itself on our attention.
ment, is-till time hath " moulded it into beauty" While it flatters our sense of the becoming, it com-its slave. Wherever he goes, he is harassed by  prises our freedom of thought. While it insinuates
an apprehension of damaging it. Hence he loses that we are the idol of a ball-room, it neutralizes
his sense of independence, and becomes-a Serf! the compliment by a high-pressure power on the
How degrading! To succumb to one's superiors is short ribs. It bids us be easy, at the expense of
bad enough; but to be the martyr of a few yards of  respiration; comfortable, with elbows on the rack.
cloth; to be the Helot of a tight fit; to be shackled    There is yet another light in which old coats
by the ninth fraction of a man; to be made submis- may be viewed; I mean as chroniclers of the past,
sive to the sun, the dust, the rain, and the snow; as vouchers to particular events. Agesilaus, King
to be panic-stricken by the chimney sweep; to be  of Sparta, always dated from his last new dress.
scared by the dust-man; to shudder at the advent Following in the wake of so illustrious a precedent,
of the baker; to give precedence to the scavenger; I date from my last (save one) new coat, which was
to concede the wall to a peripatetic conveyancer of ushered into being during the memorable period of
eggs; to palpitate at the irregular sallies of a mer- the Queen's trial. Do I remember that epoch from
curial cart-horse; to look up with awe at the appa- the agitation it called forth?  From the loyalty,
rition of a giggling servant-girl, with a slop-pail the radicalism, the wisdom, and the folly it quickthrust half-way out of a garret-window; to coast a ened into life?-Assuredly not. I gained nothing
gutter with a horrible anticipation of consequences; by the wisdom. I lost as much by the folly. I was
to faint at the visitation of a shower of soot down  neither the better nor the worse for the agitation.
the chimney; to be compelled to be at the mercy  Why, then, do I still remember that period? simply
of each and all of these vile contingencies! can any  and selfishly from the circumstance of its having
thing in human nature be so preposterous, so effemi- occasioned the dismemberment-most calamitous
nate, so disgraceful?  A truly great mind spurns to a poor annuitant!-of the very coat in which I
the bare idea of shch slavery; hence, according to  have the honor of addressing this essay to the pubthe "Subaltern," Wellington liberated Spain in a lie. In an olfactory crowd, whom her majesty's
red coat, extravagantly over-estimated at sixpence, wrongs had congregated at Hammersmith, my now
and Napoleon entered Moscow in a green one out invalid habiliment was transformed after the manat the elbows.                                  ner of an Ovidian metamorphosis, where the change
An old coat is the aptest possible symbol of is usually from the better to the worse, from a coat
sociality. An old shoe is not to be despised; an  into a spencer. In a word, some adroit conveyancer
old hat, provided it has a crown, is not amiss; none  eloped with the hinder flaps, and, by so doing, sebut a cynic would speak irreverently of an old slip- cured a snuff-box which played two waltz tunes.
A  THOUSAND  YEARS  AGO.
BY B. W. PROCTOR (BARRY CORNWALL).
BEAUTIES! there is nothing new                   And is still —— a thief!'Neath the changing moon:                     It was so-(was it not so?)
Maids are fickle, men are true,                    A thousand thousand years ago!
And are vanquished soon!
It was so-(was it not so?),Beauties, help us to a change;
A thousand thousand years ago                    Teach us (simple elves!)
A little art, and how to range,
Gold is still the king of kings;                   But   be true, yourselves
Life is still too brief;                      This may be, though'twas not so
Love hath still his little wings,                  A thousand thousand years ago.
47




726                              PICTORIAL HUXMOR.
PICTORIAL HUMOR.
BY JOHN LEECH.
NOT YET.
SHAKSPERE A LITTLE ALTERED.
"He lived not wisely, but too well."




THE BUTM-BOAT WOMAN.                                      727
THE BUM-BOAT WOMAN.
BY CAPTAIN GLASCOCK, R. N.
WHAT sounds fall so
joyous on the naval ear,
always excepting the
spirit-stirring  cry  of
" an enemy in sight,"                                  4
as those which announce
the nearing of Bum-boat
Bet, the pulling-off of
Pilchard Poll, or the
coming  alongside  of
Coaxing Kate? * Not
that we would pay so                                               o
poor a compliment to
the craft, as to place in
parallels the friend with
the foe of the fleet; but
extremes will meet, ay,
even in the teeth of the
great mathematical saw.
It is true  that in
Johnson's  voluminous
work, the word "Bumboat" is permitted to
appear.   But, mark!  
instead of the substantive being  made "to
stand  by  itself" —the
naval noun to float on   \        ~
its own bottom, to swim
freely, fitted and freighted —the lexicographer, 
in violation of all philological rule, exhibits it                                                                th  craf
a shored-up uncommis-             et   a 
sioned  craft, curtailed
of its fair proportions,
having for supporters two such unsightly and anti- to bring off sogers,* sassingers, soft-tack, beer, butnautical things as a "Bum-bailiff," and "'s a Bump." o   ter, soap, eggs, pipes, pigtail, and such like sarviceWhere was the "bump of order," when the doctor able stuff, why, in course,'twas no easy matter to
had recourse to such uncongenial juxtaposition?    fix upon a name as would suit every article taken
Among  other etymological matters, discussed  on tick: and, as men-o'-war's-men, ye know, never
over a strong Nor-wester in the larboard fore-cock- do things hand over hand, in a hurry, but always
pit cabin, Pipes, the boatswain, who was a man of  likes first to feel their way, why, they thinks they
letters (for a better A. B. was not borne on the  cou'dn't do better nor go grad'ally to work,-throw
books of any of his Majesty's ships), would have set the N out of the name, taking the M as next above
the lexicographer right as to the due derivation of  in lieu.  By this, you know, they couldn't make
the title attached to the subject of our present matters worse, whilst, on the tother tack, they was
sketch. In his usual familiar and flowing strain, sarvin' she as sarved the fleet, by giving the craft a
would he thus have enlightened his plodding com- higher letter at Lloyd's.t  So you see, old boy,
panion:-" See here, old boy, as regards what you  they turns it end for end, and converts Bun-boat
calls the derrywation o' the word, but what I calls Woman into Bum-boat Woman; and, after all,
the christ'nin' o' the craft; yer just like all the rest take it by or large, it's a better name-it sounds
o' the shore-going tribe-and that's preciously out more ship-shape-less mincing-less young-ladyish
in yer reck'nin' —for you see that warn't her first -and sartinly, a rounder and fuller mouthful in a
name-she went by a name of another natur; and, seaman's mouth.  There you has it, Doctor, short
ye knows, as there's nothin' more nat'ral nor to  and sweet-you has it as I had it."  And the Docgive a name nearest to the natur of the thing in  tor would have had it, as we had it in our youth,
trade, why, in course, as she never brought nothin' years ago. But with derivation a truce. Proceed
aboard but buns, the craft was never no more nor a  we with our sketch. We take as a sitter a sister
reglar-built Bun-boat Woman. But you see, old  from the Sister Isle.
gemman, as the people afloat soon gets tired of    Reader, permit us to introduce to your favorable
buns, and wanted more substantialer stuff; buns no   T
longer was brought aboard. So when they begins   * The name by which men-o'-war's-men designate red
herrings.
* Celebrated Bum-boat beauties.          t At Lloyd's,,vessels are estimated by letters affixed to
t Vide Johnson's Dictionary.           their several names. The letter A stands highest in value.




728                               THE BUM-BOAT WOMAN.
notice and special protection, "Mother Donovan," anxious eyes following every turn and tread of the
of the Cove of Cork, —part owner (for the pig in  first-lieutenant. At length, she catches his glance,
the parlor pays the rint) of a much-frequented mud  and extending a bare arm of symmetrical mould,
edifice located in the East Holy Ground, a patch of holds in her hand "The Cork Constitution, or
Paradise attached to the Great Island, and immedi- Southern Reporter:" and now, in bewitching acately facing the Spit Sand and Isle of Spike.   cents, she exclaims, "Ah, now, that's a dear jintleWell, we can now take her in all her glory, for at man-do, do, let us in-ah, now do-isn't it the
this moment a two-decker-a crack seventy-four day's paper I have here for ye? Ah, be marciful!
gun ship-a stranger returning from a foreign sta- -the saa's mighty salt i mighty tryin to the eyes!"
tion, possibly short of provisions, or short of water,   The eyes of Honor are more trying to the firstis suddenly descried under a cloud of canvas, with  lieutenant; still, he assumes no show of favor or
a brisk breeze, a flood tide, and a flowing sheet, be- affection, and, in a commanding voice, he cries:tween the towering heads of the harbor's mouth. "Keep off that boat, master-at-arms; mind, no
All Cove is already in a state of excitement. Chaos muslin aboard till the yards are square, and every
is come again. Milesian sounds startle the uniniti- rope taut as a harp-string."
ated ear, but the shriller tones of Mother Donovan    " There's the raal gintleman-my blessin's wid
outhowl every other hoveller, of either Holy Ground, ye," ejaculates the stout dame, implying by this
east orwest.                                    loudly-delivered benediction-directed to silence
" Oh! murder, murder," she exclaims, " if here  the tiring entreaties of her trading opponents-that
isn't a big baste of a man-o'-war, after comin' right she is certain of "sarving the ship:"-and so she is
into the Cove. Honor! Honor! Be quick! —sack  -for the word of admission is soon after given by
the praties, string the sassingers, and basket the  the sentinel pacing his post.  "iUp wid ye, childbutter. Tim, be stirrin' yer stumps-launch the  quick! —there's a darlint-and, mind ye" (the cauwhaler-where in the dickens is Paddy Molloy?  tion is loudly delivered), "for the life o' ye, don't
Couldn't he be killin' the ould gander?  For the  part wid de paper till ye place it in his honor's
lives o' yees, don't be after lettin Mudder Murphy  hands.-The Lord love him, and it's himself that is
bate us in gettin' the business aboord."        the raal gintilman."
Some score of bustling competitors are now    A tall topman jumps down the gangway steps, to
heard cheering their Paddies, and hurrying their lend Honor a hand in ascending the side of the
Honors (a name common in the south of Ireland) lofty ship. Her top-lights dazzle the eyes of the
in the shipment of their marketable goods. Pots, tar, and all her upper works are suited to his taste;
pans, black jacks, red herrings, yellow soap, pails but as the giggling girl places her foot on the first
of sky-blue, and barrels of brown stout, are seen  step (and the first step often mars a match), the
descending, or rather bundling, over the high and  conductor breaks out: "There we have it-all
hanging cliffs, on their way to the boat on the beach. alike-fair above, and full below."
Mother Donovan, who is a dame of double di-    " Ah now, mister sailor, lave off your ticklin';"
mensions-a sort of Lambert in petticoats-with  (Jack's only playful-nothing more than freshening
Honor, her "nate niece" (for the mothers afloat, her way aloft); "fait, I'll be missin' my futtin', so I
like the fathers of the land, beget nieces rather than  will."  But no such thing: Honor arrives on the
daughters), seat themselves in the stern-sheets of a gangway; —and now to undergo an overhaul from
white whaler. Both are clad in brown cloaks, called  the master-at-arms.
"jocks," with huge hoods covering their unadorned    "Nothing here, I hope? " says the searcher, suitheads-for bonnets are held in utter contempt by  ing the action to the word.
the fair of Cove. Honor is a bright brunette, with    "Hands off, i' ye plase! " returns the indignant
eyes of hazel hue, flashing fire at every glance; hair girl, keeping the master-at-arms at arm's length.
black, glossy, and lank, like a skein of sable silk-  "It's yer betters that darn't do the likes o' that!
with a face and figure (saving her feet) perfectly  It's thrue for me-who d'ye think ye got hould of?"
Spanish. And now, in the trying tug to fetch the    The man of feeling relents, and the charmer is
ship already anchored, may be seen the opposing  permitted to pass muster; and next comes, panting
Paddies, and contending Tims, bending their broad  and blowing like a lady-whale, the huge and unbacks to their huge unpliable sweeps (for oars they  wieldy owner of the stock-in-trade. After no little
can hardly be called), sending the salt spray over of exertion, she finds a footing on deck. She stops
the bows of their bounding boats, and drenching to  to regain her breath,-now throws her eyes aloft,the skin the fair sitters abaft. See how the brine  now directs them on the deck, expressing, by dumb
stiffens the playful muscles of the mother's mouth, gesticulations, the greatest surprise. Her shoulders
and still straightens the daughter's locks of love! are up to her ears, and the elbows of her short arms
After a tiring tug against wind and tide, the white  are pinioned to her side, as she claps, with seeming
whaler reaches abreast of the towering liner, in all delight, her small but fleshy hands.
the busy bustle of furling sails, and of squaring    "Oh, murder! murder! what a bu-tee-ful sight
yards.-There she is: the inner boat, lying off on  it is! Och, thin, isn't she a terrible size intirely! "
her oars. And now watch the " sheeps-eyes," and  (she had seen many ships before of a similar size:)
imploring glances which Mother Donovan throws at "oh, by de book, a big man-o'-war bates every oder
the first-lieutenant, standing stiff as a steeple on the sight in nathur."
break of the poop, and who tries hard to preserve    "Strange sights are sometimes seen in nature,"
his official station, and maintain the gravity of his says the official feeler, taking the fair Fatima in
quarter-deck face.                              hand, and deliberately pursuing his system  of
"Honor, darlint! Stand up fornent him. Show  search: any thing here?'
him you mane to give him the news. Hould up,   "Is it game yer makin' of a body? Sure, havn't
child, hould up, and show him the paper."        I got quite enough of my own?  Fait, my good
Honor does as desired; and standing erect in the  man, there's nothin' there but raal, wholesome, solid
boat, her dripping locks wafting in the wind, her nathur."




THE BUM-BOAT WOMAN.                                      729
"Can't say; can't always trust to the loom o' allowed the entree, the sentinel at his post throws
natur-tic'larly about the cat-heads: " and so sav- open the ward-room door.
ing, the searcher satisfies himself as to the reality    "Sarvint, gintlemen.  Welcome all to Cove,"
of the trader's natural capacities. As there is no- cries the large "lady," dropping in the door-way
thing contraband traceable about her portly person, her best courtesy. "The blessins on all yer bu-teeshe descends the gangway ladder, following her ful, brown, sun-burnt faces; sign for yees, ye've
marketable commodities, which are hardly placed  come from furrin parts."
between the two allotted guns on the main-deck,   "Good standing color, old girl," returns the firstere her baskets of bread, butter, eggs, sausages, ap- lieutenant.  "Come," he adds familiarly, "bring
ples, together with her pails of milk, are beset by  yourselves both to an anchor."
shoals of the younger middies, watering at the    The chair of the old girl is soon filled, but the
mouth to taste the sweets of the sod. An elbowing  younger lass manifests a little of shyness in taking
and scrambling scene ensues; all are pushing for her seat.
priority of purchase.                              "Come, young-un," cries the unsophisticated
"Asy now, asy wid ye," ejaculates the portly pur- master, addressing the still standing girl, "come,
veyor, extending her short arms to preserve her what are ye ashamed of?-Look at your mother."
eggs, and prevent, if possible, a crash of her crock-   "Ah, thin, it was her mudder that never was
ery: " asy wid ye; first money, first sarved-that's ashamed of dacent people."
the way we sarves the young gintry afloat."        "Why, are you not her mother?" asks the firstThe young gentry afloat are no sooner " sarved," lieutenant, throwing at each female alternate glances.
than a missive from the ward-room summonses the  " Why, she must be yours-she's the very picture
presence of the ladies abaft.                    of you."
" Who, d'ye say, my good boy, does be wantin'   " An' well she might; for it's myself that was the
the Bum-boat Woman?"                            very pictur of her mudder;" and here her broad
This interrogation, delivered in accents mild as and expansive bosom, like the swell of the sea,
milk, is put to a young urchin, who pertly replies, heaves and sinks with a heavy sigh —a sigh worthy
"The First Leaftennant."                        of a widow in her weeds. But suddenly and adroitly
"Honor! Honor! —the Lord save us! where's she turns the subject.  "Of coorse, gintlemin, ye'll
the child got to?  Honor!" again calls the startled  be afther wantin' yer linen washed? It's we that
dame, looking around for her lost lamb.         can get it up in illegant style. Yer things we'll
"Here am I, mudder-aunt I mean;" (for some- bleach for yees, whiter than the dhriven snow; an'
times the outbursting of nature causes Honor to  as for the platin'-may be all the bu-tee-ful ladies
trip on the truth: a lapsus linguce proclaims the  at the balls won't be axin' ye,'Who plates yer
parent, and identifies the daughter.)            bussums, an' who pinches yer frills?'-It's thrue
"Well may the crathur call me mudder.  It's for me."
myself that's been more than a fader to all her   The plating of the bosoms, and the pinching of
mudder's childer. But sure," she adds, turning to  the frills, already ensure her the officers' custom;
the master-at-arms, " doesn't all the world, ould and  and now, under the influence of a little " ship's "
young, be now afther callin' me mudder?  It's for rum (which she "hears is good for the wind"), she
all the world like puttin' ducks' eggs undher a hin. not only becomes the more loquacious, but also the
The young ducklins think, from the care the ould  more communicative on local matters.  She descackler takes of the web-footed crathurs, that the  cants on the beauties of the river-no allusion to
hin must be their raal mudder, whin, at the same  Honor-but she breaks forth in a figurative strain
time, it's as plain as the nose on yer face, the hin's  on the many "big bu-tee-ful sates on both banks
no more nor their nat'ral aunt:-its thrue for me." of the Lee."
-The mother's art corrects the daughter's nature,   Honor, though less loquacious, is not the less beand now both "aunt" and "niece" are themselves witching.-" Lickor never lights on her lip," "The
again.                                          very smell of it always turns her head," and "Tay
[But, on retiring to her hovel in the Holy Ground  is her strongest dhrink."  But her naivete and play-after driving the pig out of the parlor —for secrets fulness of manner amuses the "nice gintleman"
are not to be uttered in the presence of the porker seated by her side, and the silken softness of her
-she inflicts on the daughter a moral lecture, upon  jet hair entices his fingers to set right her droopthe impropriety of "misnaming her afore the peo- ing locks.
ple aboord."  "Lucky for me, so it was, the first   "Ah, now, be quiet wid ye; —keep yer fingers to
lift'nint didn't hear the vice (voice) o' ye.-Oh, yerself; —fait, I'll be afther lavin' ye, if ye don't
Honor! Honor! what would he think (an' he had  lave my hair alone. Ah, m-"
the thought, if I hadn't mended the matter): ye    The lapsus of mother had nearly escaped; but it
wasn't my nat'ral niece?-Mudder, mudder;-the  is promptly caught, and the substitution of " aunt"
dickens'mudder ye: don't ye know well enough, amends the material appeal-to " make the gintlethe navy gintilmen think times is bad wid poor peo- man behave himself."
ple, when a body is obligated to bring a daughter   But the mother's thoughts are otherwise engaged.
aboord a man-o'-war?  Now, for the futur, larn to  The liberty taken with her Honor's hair is not the
call me aunt wid a bould an' asy tongue, an' whin- "liberty given to broach the beer."  Besides she
ever mudder comes into yer mind, hould yer prate, has yet to feel her way touching the prudence of
or muffle yer mouth! "]                         giving the ship's company trust.
"Come, child-throw off the jock-make yerself    " May-be yer honor," she says in an under tone,
tidy, an' take the laugh off yer mouth afore ye face  addressing the officer possessing the power to favor
the gintlemen. Come, be stirrin'. Follow me-I'll her views,-" may-be yer honor can be tellin' a
lade the way;" and aft walks the waddling mother, body when the people's comin' in coorse o' pay?"
followed by her uncloaked, unbonnetted, and all   "Why, they've three years' whack due," returns
but unblushing "niece."  Aware that the ladies are  the executive chief.




730                  A BLIND  STORY; OR, MRS. CLAPPER'S RETURN.
"Poor crathurs!  It's the likes o' they that is the nautical-feeling in favor of personal appearance.
desarvin' o' thrust!  May-be it's yer honor," she  Hence the bumbastic conceit:adds coaxingly, "'ill be now lettin' me broach the'Tis the business of Beauty to become the beauty of Business.
beer?" A nod of assent ensues, and the fair traders   In their mode of commanding success, the'Engrise to depart-the mother pouring down blessings lish Bum-boat Women are perfectly opposed to the
on the heads of the several officers assembled, and practice pursued by the sisterhood of the sister isle;
the daughter declaring, in accents not intended to and though, to attain their end, the British fair selbe lost, "that nicer-mannered and gintaler gintle- dom display flashes of wit, they nevertheless have
men wasn't to be found in the grand fleet! 7"   always their wits about them. In short, in the purAnd now comes on the tug of " tick." The cooks suit of business, they adopt the "silent system,"
of the messes, kid in hand, close round the flowing trusting more to the power of the eye, than to the
barrel, whilst Honor, as in honor bound, checks the power of the tongue.
chalking score of the master-at-arms. During each    What an eye had Bumboat Bet! Indeed did it
day's detention of the ship in port, the " stout" of  " sound a parley of provocation."  Whether in anthe  stout dame flows  to the same tune; and this ger or despair, the dropping of her long-lashed lid,
t"iserving" on the score of 1" trust," serves as an was alone sufficient to raise in her favor ten thouafter-claim for a passage to the port at which the  sand tongues; and, as for Coaxing Kate, she had
ship is ordered to be paid; —and then it is that the  only to smile-display her bewitching teeth-to
mother-wit of the "mother " begins to tell.     command RED at the main, —aye, and obtain immeOn this side of the water, the fair traders afloat diate admission, were even the fore-topsail loose,
are craft altogether of another kind. It is true that and " Blue-Peter " flying at the fore.*  And what
some partake of the Dutch build-are bluff in the might not be said of their courage?  The weather
bows, full abaft, and conveniently formed for stow- they encounter, and dangers they brave, in pursuage: but, still, those who desire to stand well with
sea-faring folk, study symmetrical lines, fineness of sketh is confined to the waters. But we forget-our
form, and, particularly, neatness in the rigging,'low and aloft. But, to drop metaphor, the fair   * When it be desired to intimate the ship is about to detraders (and often the fairest afloat) of Gosport, part, the fore-topsail is let loose, and the flag, blue-piercedPortsmouth, and Plymouth, are perfectly aware of  white, is displayed at the fore.
A  BLIND  STORY; OR  MRS. CLAPPER'S RETURN.
FROM "MANY-COLORED LIFE."  ANONYMOUS.
RETURNING sate one evening from Gravesend,
Where she had journeyed with a dear old friend,
Kept till'twas more than late enough to sup,
Because, like her, the steam could not get up,
Dame Clapper saw light from her chamber flash
Forth from the sash.
The blind was down but on it fell the shade
Of her loved lord.-Think's she "He's in a fright,              \
Lest I should not come home to-night;                                              lii1 [!
How glad he'll be to find I have not stayed!"
Thrilling with love, and "all that sort of thing," 
She hastily advanced to knock or ring,
When on the blind another figure fell.
Starting at what she saw,                                                                   1
Fury to seize her soul, rushed out of hell,
She " held her breath for awe."                                                            1
Then mentally exclaimed, "What's to be done?
Two heads I see, but they approach so nigh,                                             lI
That in this case, two are not in my eye,
Better than one "
Who can describe her passion's wild alarms,
Fearing her lord was faithless to her charms!
Tears trickling down, she cried with wild affright,
"Shadows "-'Tis King Dick's speech from Shakspere's pen"Have struck more terror to my soul this night,
Than could the substance of ten thousand men."
The knocker now the lady agitated,
And then with somewhat of impatience waited.   Still closed against her, did the door remain,
No answer was returned by her loved spouse,       She felt of course at such exclusion shock'd,
And so she knocked again, in such a way,        And even louder than before she knock'd,
She nearly brought down-so the neighbors say,   Rang and knock'd,
If not her gentleman at least the house.      Rang and knock'd again.




HAMMERING IT IN.                                    731
At last the husband ventured to appear;        With careless laughter and facetious grin,
Like one just risen from bed in wild surprise,  The husband bade her all such notions scout;
Yawning, while almost closed his eyes,       "No thief," he said, " for, robbery could get in,
His mouth was nearly stretched from ear to ear.  He dreaded much, " The murder would-come
out."
How lovely, Nature, all thy plan!             But all in vain was his advice,
How equitable are thy laws!                    His tale was found untrue;
If shut the eyes of drowsy man,                His friend detected in a trice,
Thy care'tis to extend his jaws!              And pummelled black and blue.
This therefore may make up for that,
O beauteous scheme of tit for tat!             How long Dame Clapper raved, I have not time
To tell in prose, much less to put in rhyme;
Of course, at being kept so long, she frown'd,  Suffice it then to say her lord's disgrace
And he lamented having slept so sound;         Was made complete, and neatly clawed his
But said he joyed to see his bosom's pride-        face.
He lied.'Twas then he sighed, " 0 woe is me!
Too late the moral comes to mind,
Now to retire he hinted she had best,          That naughty tricks which none can see,
Because he was convinced she wanted rest.        May be discovered by the blind.
Consent she gave, yet paused upon the way,     "But wives," he added, " who will roam,
"With sweet, reluctant, amorous delay,"          And go and gad about,
She thought a robber's footstep struck her ear,  Ought to expect when they come home,
Which made her for her tender husband fear.      To find their husbands out."
HAMMERING IT IN.
ANONYMOUS.
DEPRESSED by a severe cold, for which I was indebted to the variable nature of the weather in the 
last days of November, I. sat, yesterday morning,                      e f2.j 
in a despondent way beside my coffee and dry      ~'
toast, roasted the soles of my slippers, and read 
away my digestion over the last murder recounted i
in the Times. Suddenly, I was startled by the step     M  
of a man rushing hurriedly up-stairs; the door of              =     -
my sitting-room was burst open, and my friend
Boulder, flourishing in his hand a heavy hammer,
stood before me, and gasped out, " I've done it at the hammer-for a trace of human hair in some
last, Smith!, I've done it at last!"  Boulder is a crack of the handle.
most excitable man, with a wife and a large family    " Which-who-how many?" I shouted.
of boys. I looked aghast for marks of blood upon    "My son, Jack," he declared, "is the cause of it




732                                 HAMMERING IT IN.
all. He brought it upon me. O Smith, my dear fracture and nothing else. He breaks a stone, and
friend, would you have believed I should have ever takes pains not so much as to dim with a finger's
come to this?  Cut me some ham?"               touch the brilliance of the broken surface. Now
He sat down opposite me in an easy chair, turned  fractures are of various sorts, conchoidal or shellup his soles also to the fire, helped himself to a like, even, uneven, smooth, splintery, hackly. Only
thick slice of bread, and said again,           look in this beautiful bit of granite, at the silvery
" Cut me some ham. I must be off to the hills gleams of the mica and the suety bits of quartz
in ten minutes, and it's well to fortify myself, be- speckling the solid pudding of the felspar. Quartz
cause I may miss dinner to-day."               is, of simple minerals, one of the hardest. I knock
"Sir!  Mr. Boulder!"                          out a little chip of granite, and you will observe
" Let me ring for a cup and saucer. There, now, that it is impossible to powder the quartz in it by
go on with your breakfast, and I'll tell you all about blows of a hammer on the hearth-stone. You perit. I was led to it entirely by that hard-headed  ceive the hearth-stone breaks, but the quartz grains
fellow, David Page."                            remain uncomminuted."
"Page?"                                        "Mr. Boulder-" I began faintly. I was made
"David Page, F. G. S. Hark you! Three weeks somewhat weak and helpless by my cold, or I should
ago, Mrs. Boulder came to me and said,'Peter.' have met vigor with vigor.
I replied,' Susannah.' She said,' Look at Jack's   "Pardon me, Smith; they remain, I sav, uncomclean shirt.' She showed me a shirt folded neatly, minuted. Let me advise you to be a geologist. I
with its front covered with red stains, and holes, am going to the hills to-day on an excursion. Come.
and indentations.'Mercy,' I cried,'what's the  Ah, you have a cold. Well, I will stop exactly half
cause of this?'  Jack was at school-round the  an hour."  Here he pulled out his watch. "I do
corner, you know-Tickleby's day-school.'I wish  want you to share my enjoyment. I do want to
to show you, Mr. B.,' said my old girl,' Jack's linen  make you feel the delight caused by the study of
drawer.' Followed my wife, looked in the drawer, geology. I didn't think that I should take it up
found it filled up with stones and dirt. In the  myself when I turned out Jack's drawers. Page
drawer below that, found clay, sand, and old shells over-persuaded me. He's just the man to bring the
in his Sunday jacket. Caused the dirt to be in- science home to you. Ah, Mrs. Boulder doesn't
stantly carried to the dust-hole. Further examined  know it, but I've carried up her spare sheets and
drawers in Jack's room, and, in the corner of one, blankets into one of the attics, and have a most
found a book entitled,'Advanced Text-Book of beautiful experiment on the formation of mudGeology, Descriptive and Industrial, by David  banks from aqueous deposit in her linen chest. I've
Page, F. G. S."'                                mixed up in water earth and shells and a shilling's
"' That's what has done it, Peter,' Mrs. B. said. worth of shrimps. In a few days, when I drain the'That's the book I've seen him reading evening after water off, you come over to me, and I'll show you
evening.''He shall read no more of it,' said I. how the top crust of the world is formed, and how'The book is confiscated.' When Jack came home the remains of extinct animals get to be mixed with
at dinner-time we had a great disturbance."     it. Only, if Mrs. B. should by chance go to the
Here Boulder gasped over his ham, and I felt chest before the experiment is finished-O those
painfully nervous. Boulder went on:             women! those women."
"' Jack,' said I,' you shall never more look on    "But now, Smith, as you've a cold, and can't go
that book.' I put it on my own library table. I to the hills, I'll show you how a geologist need go
peeped into it; I looked into it; I read bits of it; no farther than his own room for a study of incomI read more of it; I liked it; I studied it; I threw  parably the most glorious of sciences. I'll give you
myself heart and soul into it; I comprehended it; to-day only an elementary lesson. When I come
-I bought a hammer."                            next, we'll go into the thing more completely. Now
Here Boulder caught his hammer up and flourish- look here,"-down came the hammer on a corner
ed it again. He was evidently stone-mad.        of my mantelpiece,-" I break off this little bit of
".With this hammer, my boy, I break my way  metamorphic rock; the character has been destroyinto the treasury of Nature."                  ed by polishing, but now what beauty have I not
Here Boulder brought his hammer down and  revealed."
smashed my tea-cup.                               "Boulder," I cried, "give me your hammer.
"Ah, good!" he cried, taking a fragment up. Let me send your hammer down into the hall."
"A lucky accident. Look at the crystalline frac-   "Thank you, thank you-I shall be going presture. What's here?  Clay. What makes the clay  ently.'Tis not worth while. Dismiss from your
crystalline in its fracture? Fire. Theory of the  mind what I was just saying about aqueous rocks.
igneous rocks. Thickness of the ponderable crust Above the igneous you have the metamorphic —you
of the globe, eight hundred miles. Depth at which  have, to speak familiarly, the mantelpiece upon the
most of the rocks ordinarily found at the surface paper weight, and not the paper weight upon the
would exist in a molten state, say five and twenty  mantel-piece."
miles. Undercrust of the globe, granite. Here's   "I have, have I?"
a bit."                           I               "To be sure you have. Heat and the pressure
My excitable friend took from the mantel-piece a of the superincumbent strata have given to these
handsome paper-weight of polished stone.       metamorphic rocks their crystalline appearance,
"Some ass of a man has polished this fine speci- though it is believed that they were once deposited
men of primitive rock."  With one tap of his ham- by water, and contained fossils of which all trace
mer, Boulder broke it in two. "Observe," he said, has been extinguished. Well then, Smith, on the
"the exquisite fracture."                      top of the metamorphic rocks on the top of the
"Exquisite-confound-    "                    mantel-piece, we place Sir Roderick Murchison."
"Never polish a fine specimen. The geologist,   " Can it be possible?"
my dear boy, is most particular to show you a clean    "Yes, Murchison and the Silurian rocks defined




MR. HIPPY S VAGARIES.'33
and discovered by him. They used to be called, and then above that-bha! but it's all fair to break
along with some others, the Greywacke formation." coal-above that the coal."
" 0, indeed!"                                 A heavy lump of coal was suddenly whipped out
"Yes. Here we have certain sandstones, shales, of the coal-scuttle, and being hammered into fraglimestones, flagstones, aIld the slates near Bala. ments on the breakfast cloth before I could effecBy Jove! Smith, you've a slate top to that console tually interfere.
table. If it should be Silurian, you happy dog!-  " It is most interesting to search coal for the reif it should be Silurian 1"                    mains of extinct vegetable life.  The markings
Up leaped my friend, and up leaped I, but not in sometimes are of the niost beautiful description.
time to save the chipping of a rather costly bit of The whole of yesterday I spent in our coal-cellar,
furniture.                                     and a more delightful day I never-   "
"Boulder," I cried, hoarse with rage and rheum    A loud knocking at the street-door startled us.
together, " break another piece of furniture, and Mr. Boulder was picking carefully about the conwe are enemies for ever!"                     tents of the coal-scuttle, and had spread some choice
"Ah, my boy, you have your enthusiasm yet to bits on the rug for further investigation, when a
come. I'll promise to break nothing of any value. servant appeared to report that Mrs. Boulder wishBut of what value are these precious polished spe- ed, if Mr. B. was disengaged, to see him instantly.
cimens of yours?  Their value's doubled when they    " Ah!" said my friend, laying another coal upon
show the fracture and the cleavage and that sort of the rug. " She has been to the linen press. Smith,
thing. Nay, I'll break nothing more. Well, then, go and pacify her."
above the Silurian you have the old red sandstone,
MR. HIPPY'S  VAGARIES.
BY CORNELIUS WEBBE.
Not a sentence-not a syllable of Trismegistus shall be lost through my neglect. I am his word-banker-his storekeeper of puns and syllogisms.-CEHARLES LAMB.
MR. HIPPY-as he was had, in an eminent degree, that rare quality in a
familiarly called, other- man who loved jesting and raillery, and indulged in
wise  Harty  Hippisley, them, that he could forbear and spare.  If he
Gent. —Mr. Hippy was thought a severe thing of any one, he would not
not a man of wit, though  give it utterance. He was in that respect, perhaps,
_    i9,    he sometimes approach- a little too tender of others; for he sometimes
ed very nigh to it. A I spared those who did not spare him. I have seen
Scotch  friend, indeed, him put down by an impudent dog or conceited
once called him " A man  booby, and have not a word to say for himself. I
of wet" (meaning wit). heard him once, and never but once, regret that
"Yes," said he, turning  he sometimes felt such an embarrassment and diffikL~? \  _  r     his eye with a merry  dence in society, that " for the life of him he could
twinkle upon his flatter- not say bo! to a goose when he met one; and he
ing friend, "very wet."  regretted this the more, because he so often met a
And he took the hint goose, and lost so many opportunities for saying
from his friend's pronun- bo!" But he was eminently a humorist; and felt,
ciation to suggest this as I should say, more pleasure in abstaining from
the true reading of a  severities of tongue than he could have taken in
-  couplet by Dryden which  indulging that unruly member in an unbridled and
X _   has been much disput- I unbitted license.  Yet no man, I believe, had a
ed-                     sharper sense of the ridiculous, a keener eye at
-.   _    Great wet-         detecting the faults, and follies, and weaknesses of
his fellow-men; and no man was more prompt and
or drinking largely-    prone to pity and be patient with them, let them
pass and say nothing, though he thought much
Great wet to madness nearly is allied,  upon them. If he could persuade any one out of an
And thin potations do their bounds divide.  error, he spoke; if he saw that that was a hopeless
task, he was silent. "Let him that is without sin
He was simply a man of whim, which sometimes cast the first stone," was the religious rule that govhad blended up with it much playful pleasantry, and  erned and restrained him. He was, I believe, a
sometimes a spice of true humor to season it; for really benevolent man in the main-if not at all
he was a humorist, or I know not what humor is; an  times and in all things; any departure of his from
Englislh humorist-the only humorist; and notwith- that " even tenor" of a wise man's way neverthestanding all his real or imagined unhappiness.(and  less and notwithstanding.  If he ever diverged
he had many good proofs to give as reasons for any  from that " primrose path," and had to accuse himmomentary indulgence in complaint), he was, after self with any sins of commission-or sins of omisall, of that happy nature, that though there was at sion, which are worse-no man more bitterly retimes a savor of salt in his humor, there was no  gretted them. His humor, his jests and jibes, were
bitterness; nothing that offended the good taste, or therefore innocuous, and hurt not; and this was
hurt the feelings of his friends or associates. He perhaps their best commendation.




734                             MR. HIPPY S VAGARIES.
Mr. Hippy could sometimes say severities, but he his, who preached benevolence, but stood selfishly
was best at a quiet reproof. Some one, speaking in still when the time came in which he should stir.contempt of the mind of a mutual associate, said, " If," said he, " he was over his dessert, and had
"You may put all the ideas he has under this gob- split a walnut in halves, and (his dining-room hanglet."  Hippy silently drew from his pocket a Pick- ing over the river) he saw you drowning under his
ering copy of Horace, laid it upon the table, drained window, he would not be at the trouble to throw
his goblet, and turning it over the little volume, out one-half of the shell if it would save you. But
the whole works, the wit, the playful humor, and as soon as you were sunk'full fathoms five,' no
brilliant genius of the beloved friend of Virgil and man would compete with him in the pathos of his
Maecenas, and the favored of Augustus, lay under exclamations-no one shed more tears for your lathat small crystal dome. The "moral" was ob- mentable death-and no one return so soon to his
vious.                                        cigar and whiskey-toddy, and forget you altogether,
Among a knot of friends who were amusing them- as though you had never been."
selves with cutting up a foolish acquaintance, he   Sitting composedly after supper, over his concludinterposed by wishing that they would take a ing glass, he felt a fly travelling slowly down his
hint from Mrs. Rundell's advice to carvers-that nose, till it "pulled up," as he expressed it, at the
"It is not necessary to cut up the wlole goose, un- bridge: " Go on," said he, pleasantly, " there is no
less the company is very large."  He would often  toll." As I have mentioned his nose, I may as well
turn aside the shafts of ill-nature and ridicule by add, that it was undoubtedly none of the shortest,
some such pleasant reproof.                   and he never denied it —he was too conscious and
Being in a drinking party where a dirty wit kept too candid; at any time, as he allowed, it was not a
the table in a roar, Hippy sat in silence. His chair bad sabbath day's journey for any fly in all flydom to
neighbor remarked it-" You do not laugh with  travel from the beginning to the end thereof. I
our facetious friend."  "No, sir," sternly replied remember some one remarking how very low down
Hippy, who loved wit much, but decency more;-  his spectacles hung upon his nose, and wondering
"I saw a dirty pig this day who had just wallowed that they did not fall off. " Oh!" said he, " there
in the mire, but I did not feel compelled to hug is no fear of that: my nose is so long, that before
him; I had too much respect for my white waist- my glasses could get to the end of it, I should be
coat." During the same evening, he got into his sure to overtake them;" and he threw himself back
old "merry cue," and kept his friends amused, and in his chair, and, with Richard, descanted on his
instructed too, without once calling in the aid of own deformity.
the -low balderdash which some men mistake for   He was " a man of an unbounded stomach" for
humor. I could soon see that the company were humor; and even in his short fits of spleen and
very glad to exchange the cleanly tongue and the passion there was some unexpected stroke of humor,
wholesome, healthy humor of my merry and wise or some oddity of expression, that diverted you,
friend for the cancerous comicalities of the dirty- and made his ill-temper as good as other people's
minded gentleman upon whom he had so lately put good temper. Seeing him one day with a very long
an extinguisher. The club-room was full, every- face and lowering brow, and impatient with all
body happy, the ale brisk as a bee-the waiters about him, I ventured to whisper, "You do not
ditto; the Welsh rare-bits never so large and so seem to be very happy to day, Hippy?" "Happy!"
good; the "natives," as fresh as a daisy, opened he shrieked out, glancing a severe eye at me, as
as if they were obliged to the knife that let them  though he would look me through, " I only want a
loose, and were uncommonly fat and fine. Puggles- pair of tight boots to make me a misanthrope."
ton was in the chair pro forma; Hippy faced him.   Most men, when in pain of body or agony of
No singing was allowed, which kept the company mind, find a sort of ease in an oath, or in some
select and sensible. Any gentleman who forgot kind of violence. I have seen my poor friend pale
himself so far as to strike up a song, found himself, and trembling with pain, and he never seemed so
before verse the first was concluded, in the hands much inclined to laugh; his antic disposition was
of four stout members of the club, who quietly took never so playful, and you were never so sure of
him out by the legs and wings, with as much grav- something out-of-the-way "to startle and waylay"
ity as four undertakers would carry out a departed  you. When apparently most melancholy, humor
gentleman, opened the yard door, set little or big always seemed to be lurking in the corner of his
warbler down upon the cold stones, and left him  eye, and some preposterous pun lay ready to be
there to "sing his eyes out;" and when he was perpetrated upon the tip of his tongue.
thoroughly song-exhausted, and come to a sense of   I was sitting with him one day while a delughis situation, then, and not till then, was he brought ing rain was falling, and flooding the street till it
back to his chair with the same grave honors, per- looked like a part of the river running at the botfectly sane, and silent, and songless.       tom of it. Suddenly, a great outcry was heard in
Hearing a young friend with good ideas, but an the regions below, and then a sound of feet hurryinaptness for uttering them, struggling hard to give ing up stairs, and in a moment Mrs. Fondleman
expression to a happy thought he had somehow got- burst abruptly into the room, crying out, " Oh, Mr.
hold of, he said, "you have'hooked a fine fish there, Hippy, Mr. Hippy! —I'm  ruined! I'm  drowned!
W- -; but you do not seem to me to know  We shall be all swept away! What shall I do?"
how to land it. Play with it, boy; give it line; " What is the matter, madam?" he inquired. "Oh
and when you have let it spend its strength, then that gully! It's of'no more use than a pepper-box
haul it slowly and steadily, whip your landing-net or a cullender! I've tried every thing-it's stopped,
under it quietly, and lift it on shore."      and nothing never will open it!" It was enough
No man sooner saw through masks and the usual to provoke a saint to see his imperturbable temper:
dominoes in which men disguise themselves in the  "Nothing will open it, eh?" inquired he. " Nomasquerade of life. He penetrated in a moment nothing: I've tried every thing," said Mrs. F. "Try
through the thin disguises of a professing friend of Morrison's Pills," said he, " they remove all obstruc



MR. HIPPY S VAGARIES.                                735
tions!" Mrs. F. looked angry for a moment at his pickpocket, there was a sudden cry of'Officer!
levity, and I know five hundred ladies who would officer!-I'm robbed —i'm robbed!' Another voice
have taught him better manners than to jest at cried,'That's him!' and in a moment more I
such an unreasonable time; but she knew that her should have been in custody as a pickpocket, had
lodger would have his joke if he hanged for it, and not old Donaldson, when he approached to seize
so she laughed in lieu of being angry, and he, to me, known me, and exclaimed,'Oh, no, it's not
reward her good humor, then went down, and with this'ere old gemman, I'll take my davy! I've known
an old fishing-rod puddled about the choked gully this'ere gemman these thirty years, off and ontill he cleared it. Mrs. F. then thanked him with he an't the man!' And he pushed through the
a hundred curtsies, and was particularly careful of crowd to look for the culprit, but the Botany Bay
his crumpets at tea-time.                    bird had flown; and I have now no doubt, nor had
Waiting to get into the pit of Covent Garden I then, that it was Mr. Allfinger, my furtive friend,
theatre, he felt a pick-pocket quietly ease him of who, to give me a Rowland for my Oliver, had
his handkerchief. He took no immediate notice of pointed me out as the thief, and so got quietly off
him, but pondered his revenge. The prig did not himself. From which adventure I draw this very immove away, as is the custom of " the gentle craft" portant moral.-' Never to play with edged tools.'"
when they have hooked their fish: he was evident-   I remember his coming into the club-room that
ly going into the pit too, and only amused himself night, and telling us this amusing incident in his
with taking Hippy's handkerchief to kill time till most amusing mJanner. He did not often visit the
the doors were opened. But being one of that un- theatres; he had seen the old actors, and did not
easy order of persons who cannot "let well alone" take very kindly to the new. One of the things
when all is well, and having a few minutes more to which annoyed him most in the modern heroes of
spare, he next turned his attention to Hippy's fob- the buskin, was their over-ingenuity in finding
pocket: then he reckoned it was high time to tell more in Shakspere's text than Shakspere ever
him what he thought of his exclusive attentions; meant. He was so displeased with these perverse
and turning suddenly round and looking him full in fellows, that he said with much bitterness, " Where
the face, he said very coolly, " Have the goodness, the good old motto,' Veluti in speculum,' used to
sir, to wipe my face."  "I wipe your face! Come, be inscribed, there should now be written' Commit
I like that uncommon much 1" exclaimed the man, no new sense.'"  This led to a long argument be" Why should I wipe your face, when I've got one tween us, which, as we had not concluded it in the
of my own to attend to?" asked the born for Botany  club-room, was continued till we arrived at the
Bay. " I repeat it," said Hippy, " wipe my face!" doors of our respective domiciles, which were opJust at this moment, Donaldson, the old theatre- posite to each other. He claimed the victory in
officer, bawled out, "Take care of your pockets, the discussion-I denied it. Ashe stood knocking
ladies and gentlemen!" Hippy looked in thefilch's at his door, a cock crowed loudly. " Mind," cried
face significantly, and he took the hint. " If you've Hippy across the street to me, with his usual conlost your wiper," said he, humbly, " it happens sideration for the feelings of another, and his usual
very fortinate that I've a wiper to spare: there, readiness at a stroke of humor,-" Mind, it was
I'll lend you one with the utmost mildness;" and so not me that crowed!"  I was so much tickled
saying he thrust a new silk handkerchief —not with his pleasantry, that I handsomely acknowHippy's-into his hand, and sneaked off. "While ledged hat he was right in his argument; and he was.
I was congratulating myself upon making so good   He was always catching you with some humorous
an exchange of an old lamp for a new one, and con- turn of expression, or droll surprise. We were
ceitedly chuckling over my success in outwitting a walking together once, when he observed a person
l 




736                             MR. HIPPY S VAGARIES.
with a striking peculiarity of vision coming on to- like f person of sentiment very sick of a sop in the
wards us: he was too humane a man, in general, to  pan. The fickleness and indecision'of an old friend
make deformities playthings for his pleasantry, but being under discussion-" He?" said he, "why he
he said, " I don't know what that man has done to  is as undecided as a feather between four winds."
me that he cannot look me straight in the face: he   Hippy, too, would, with other wags, sometimes
may have his reasons for it, and perhaps the princi- have his joke out, if he died for it. Having a tolerpal one is-he squints."                       able appetite, not flinching from  his glass, and
Going over a picture-gallery with him one day, being naturally disposed to inertness, he fell at last
there was, of course, that old favorite story of into a state of plethora, and was confined to his
painters, Potiphar and Joseph, among the rest. second-floor bed-chamber. "You must live lower,"
We passed on, and came to another picture, in said Dr. Fumblepulse, as he fingered his wrist:
which two lovers were seen warmly embracing: it " You must live lower."  Hippy took him literally;
was finely painted, and I stopped before it. "What and when the Doctor called next day he found
is the story?" I inquired of Hippy. " Oh, the old him at full feed in the parlor: upon which, the
one, Potiphar and Joseph!" he replied. "Nay," worthy physician remonstrated, and Hippy "exsaid I, " Joseph would have nothing to do with her, plained across the table," and the Doctor laughed
and tore himself away!"-" Hah! true; but he has at his waggery, and Hippy laughed too, and was of
thought better of it."                        course all the better for it next day.
Mr. Hippy was such a thorough humorist that he
would even do you " a good turn" in the guise of a
joke-tell you of an error, and teach you a lesson,
in a pun, and take some pains to work it out and
make you see it. His friend Etty, he saw plainly,
was killing himself-with over-application in his profession, and want of exercise and relaxation. Some men              Iwould have preached him into a passion with moral - 
and medical reflections; he took a longer course,
but a shorter one in the end. He knew that his         II
friend would at any time go six miles to look at a   L
fine picture, so he committed a pious fraud by telling him that if he would walk with him to the suburbs he would show him a Canaletti. Accordingly, he dragged him out of London into Surrey, and
on and on they went, till at last, as they were
creeping along the bank of the canal below Camberwell, the fatigued Mr. Etty inquired, " but where   i 
is this same Canaletti?" "Oh, ah i" said his waggish companion, who had now perfected the pun,
"why, here is the Canal, Etty!" and giving him a
good-humored push, he almost pushed him into it.
Of course, Mr. Etty saw the humor of the lesson, and  1
laughed; and Hippy, to reward his placability, after
dragging him over the bridge, and up the pleasant
Peckham Rise to sharpen his appetite, gave him a    1        -
series of " mutton chops to follow," and a bottle of    ii!11~ |^<
sherry following them again, and a good dish of
discourse on the painters who are poets, and the
poets who are painters.                         He hated Dr. Johnson's hatred of puns, and
In a party where a gentleman was bragging ex- loved them, and the worse they were (as parents
travagantly, he quietly admonished him, and told him  love most their worst-favored children) the more
at the same time what he thought of him, by stoop- he petted them, the more pains he took in " getting
ing down and patting a parlor pug-dog on the head, them up," and playing and acting them. He once
and quoting the old saying-" Brag is a good dog;" pretended that he had a decided objection to eating
and then removing his hand to a China dog, on the oysters, which I thought originated in his antipathy
mantel-piece, and patting that-on the head too, add- to destroying any creature with life in it; but I was
ing-" but Hold-his-tongue is a better."  My gentle- mistaken, it was only one of his whims; for upon
man bragged no more that night-he tried another being assured by Mr. Plynn, the fishmonger of Fleettack, and plunged into the deep waters of erudi- street, that "his natives opened larger than their
tion-" He!" said Hippy to me aside,-" a shallow  shells"-" Oh, if that is the case, Mr. Plynn," said
dog, that should not go into a shoe-bath without he, " it must be quite a happy relief to be released
corks under him!" At length when the smatterer from  shells too small for them! Pray, let two
got into the peroration of a dissertation upon " the  dozen of them stretch themselves out on my acDigamma," he could no longer bear with the evi- count."  And his conscience being thus humorousdently drowning puppy, and sternly said, " Don't go ly satisfied as to the humanity of eating his fellowout of your depth, Mr. -, merely to show us that natives, as he called them, he sat down to satisfy
you cannot swim." He did not often indulge in the cravings of nature.
such a severity, so that he could the better afford   I caught him once near Spring Gardens, where
it, once in a way. Two or three instances of the the cows give up their milk " for a consideration"
like kind occurred to me. I remember we were to the demanding dry mouths of the "babes and
once talking of a very mawkish man of letters; sucklings" who make that spot a sort of out-door
Hippy very happily described him as always looking nursery. He was apparently lost in studious con~-~I'~J  ~T~'  ~'~"~" U"  "~~'  "J~ "~'0




THE RED FISHERMAN.                                    737
sideration of something serious, about which he   It was Mr. Hippy, who, when his barber was
now looked infinitely grave, and now chuckled and going to sleep while dressing his hair, roused him
grinned delightedly. I broke in upon his " brown  by vociferously striking up "Ah comne rapida!"study," and inquired what it was that so " perplex- ('" Ah comb me rapider!") When some few years
ed" him in the " meanders of his brain."  He con- since, a creation of Peers amazed and amused the
fessed that he had been filling up the time he had  political world, and among the other lifts, Lord
had to wait for his friend Spiffle, "somewhere  Grosvenor was made Marquis of Westminster,
nigh," by satisfying himself-as logically as he  Hippy had no partisan objection to, the measure;
could —that the little stunty Park cowkeeper he he only said-" I hope we shall be indulged also
had in his eye, and to whom he directed mine, was, with a Marquis of Mile-End and a Viscount-Off-thethough he thought it not, to all intents and pur- Stones!"   Some one censuring a smart, flashy
poses a publican; and " thus'twas done:" —" The habit he had of wearing his hat cocked on the right
dairyman kept his cows in public?"  Granted. side of his head, in a most perilous attitude during
"They were therefore public cows?"  Granted  blowing weather, he accounted for it satisfactorily,
again. " The tap-keeper also kept his public'owze?" I think:-" You must know, sir, that I am leaving
(Cocknice for public house.) Granted.  "If the  off this hat by degrees; and, as you may observe,
one was a publican, cceteris paribus, the other was I have left it off on the left side already."-Some
a publican?"  Not granted; but I laughed, and  one attributing the wants of Ireland to rich absengave a House of Commons " Oh!" which satisfied teeism, "No, sir," said he, "it is not absenteeism,
him  quite as well. Thus would he "trifle time but absent-dinnerism which is the misery of the
away."                                         poor Irish."
THE RED FISHERMAN.
BY WINTHROP MACKWORTH PRAED.
Oh flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!-ROMEO AND JULIET.
THE abbot arose, and closed his book,           He did not mark how the skies in wrath
And donned his sandal shoon,                    Grew dark above his head;
And wandered forth, alone, to look              He did not mark how the mossy path
Upon the summer moon;                           Grew damp beneath his tread;
A starlight sky was o'er his head,              And nearer he came, and still more near,
A quiet breeze around;                          To a pool, in whose recess
And the flowers a thrilling fragrance shed,     The water had slept for many a year,
And the waves a soothing sound:                 Unchanged and motionless;
It was not an hour, nor a scene, for aught      From the river stream it spread away
But love and calm delight;                      The space of a half a rood;
Yet the holy man had a cloud of thought         The surface had the hue of clay
On his wrinkled brow that night.                And the scent of human blood;
He gazed on the river that gurgled by,          The trees and the herbs that round it grew
But he thought not of the reeds:                Were venomous and foul;
He clasped his gilded rosary,                   And the birds that through the bushes flew
But he did not tell the beads;                  Were the vulture and the owl;
If he looked to the heaven,'twas not to invoke  The water was as dark and rank
The Spirit that dwelleth there;                 As ever a Company pumped;
If he opened his lips, the words they spoke     And the perch, that was netted and laid on the
Had never the tone of prayer.                       bank,
A pious priest might the abbot seem,              Grew rotten while it jumped:
He had swayed the crosier well;              And bold was he who thither came
But what was the theme of the abbot's dream,      At midnight, man or boy;
The abbot were loth to tell.                 For the place was cursed with an evil name,
And that name was " The Devil's Decoy!"
Companionless, for a mile or more,
He traced the windings of the shore.            The abbot was weary as abbot could be,
Oh, beauteous is that river still.              And he sat down to rest on the stump of a tree,.
As it winds by many a sloping hill,             Wheh suddenly rose a dismal toneAnd many a dim o'erarching grove,               Was it a song, or was it a moan?
And many a flat and sunny cove,'Oh, oh! Oh, oh!
And terraced lawns, whose bright arcades             Above, below!
The honeysuckle sweetly shades,                 Lightly and brightly they glide and go;
And rocks, whose very crags seemed bowers,      The hungry and keen on the top are leaping,
So gay they are with grass and flowers!         The lazy and fat in the depths are sleeping;
Fishing is fine when the pool is muddy,
Broiling is rich when the coals are ruddy!"
But the abbot was thinking of scenery,         In a monstrous fright, by the murky light,
About as much in sooth,                       He looked to the left and he looked to the right,
As a lover thinks of constancy,                 And what was the vision close before him,
Or an advocate of truth.                      That flung such a sudden stupor o'er him?




738                               THE RED FISHERMAN.'Twas a sight to make the hair'uprise,              Now an old man's hollow groan
And the life-blood colder run:                    Echoed from the dungeon stone:
The startled priest struck both his thighs,         Now the weak and wailing cry
And the abbey clock struck one!                  Of a stripling's agony i
All alone, by the side of the pool,             Cold by this was the midnight air;
A tall man sat on a three-legged stool,           But the abbot's blood ran colder,
Kicking his heels on the dewy sod,              When he saw a gasping knight lie there,
And putting in order his reel and rod.          With a gash beneath his clotted hair,
Red were the rags his shoulders wore,             And a hump upon his shoulder.
And a high red cap on his head he bore;         And the loyal churchman strove in vain
His arms and his legs were long and bare;         To mutter a Pater Noster;
And two or three locks of long red hair         For he who writhed in mortal pain
Were tossing about his scraggy neck,            Was camped that niight on Bosworth plainLike a tattered flag o'er a splitting wreck.      The cruel Duke of Glo'ster!
It might be Time, or it might be trouble,
Had bent that stout back nearly double-         There was turning of keys, and creaking of locks,
Sunk in their deep and hollow sockets           As he took forth a bait from his iron box.
That blazing couple of Congreve rockets,       It was a haunch of princely size,
And shrunk and shrivelled that tawny skin,      Filling with fragrance earth and skies.
Till it hardly covered-the bones within.            n c   t ab ne   fl   e
The line the abbot saw him throw                The corpulent abbot knew full well
The line the abbot saw him thrw.        The swelling form, and the steaming smell;
Had been fashioned and formed long ages ago,    Never a        monk that wore a hood
And the hands that worked his foreign vest      Could better have guessed the very wood
Long ages ago had gone to their rest:
You would have sworn, as you looked on them,    Where the noble hart had stood at hay,
He had fished in the flood with Ham and Shem!   Weary and wounded, at close of day.
There was turning of keys, and creaking of locks,   Sounded then the noisy glee
As he took forth a bait from his iron boK.          Of a revelling companyMinnow or gentle, worm or fly                       Sprightly story, wicked jest,
It seemed not such to the abbot's eye;              Rated servant, greeted guest,
Gaily it glittered with jewel and gem,              Flow of wine, and flight of cork:
And its shape was the shape of a diadem.            Stroke of knife and thrust of fork:
It was fastened a gleaming hook about,              But, where'er the board was spread,
By a chain within and a chain without;              Grace I ween was never said!
The fisherman gave it a kick and a spin,
And the water fizzed as it tumbled in!          Pulling and tugging the fisherman sat;
From the bowels of the earth,                 And the priest was ready to vomit,
Strange and varied sounds had birth-       When he hauled out a gentleman, fine and fat,
Now the battle's bursting peal,            With a belly as big as a brimming vat,
Neigh of steed, and clang of steel;           And a nose as red as a comet.




THE RED FISHERMAN.                                     739
One jerk, and there a lady lay,
A lady wondrous fair;
But the rose of her lip had faded away,
And her cheek was as white and as cold as clay,
And torn was her raven hair.
"Ah, ah!" said the fisher, in merry guise,
"Her gallant was hooked before;"
And the abbot heaved some piteous sighs,
For oft he had blessed those deep blue eyes,
The eyes of Mistress Shore!
____  -   There was turning of keys, and creaking of locks,
( As he took forth a bait from his iron box.
Many the cunning sportsman tried,
Many he flung with a frown aside;
A minstrel's harp, and a miser's chest,
A hermit's cowl, and a baron's crest,
Jewels of lustre, robes of price,
Tomes of heresy, loaded dice,
And golden cups of the brightest wine
That ever was pressed from the Burgundy vine;
There was a perfume of sulphur and nitre,. /~~~~                ~~As'he came at last to a bishop's mitre!
From top to toe the abbot shook,
As the fisherman armed his golden hook;
And awfully were his features wrought: By some dark dream or wakened thought.
Look how the fearful felon gazes
" A capital stew," the fisherman said,         On the scaffold his country's vengeance raises,
" With cinnamon and sherry!"                When the lips are cracked and the jaws are dry
And the abbot turned away his head,             With the thirst which only in death shall die:
Mark the mariner's frenzied frown
For his brother was lying before him dead,      Mark the mariner's frenzied frown
The mayor of St. Edmond's Bury!              As the swaling wherry settles down,
When peril has numbed the sense and will,
Though the hand and the foot may struggle still.
Wilder far was the abbot's glance,
There was turning of keys, and creaking of    Deeper far was the abbot's trance,
locks,                                     Deeper far was the abbot's trance:
locks,                                     Fixed as a monument, still as air,
As he took forth a bait from his iron box:, s
It was a bundle of beautiful things-           lHe bent no knee, and he breathed no prayer;
A peacock's tail, and a butterfly's wings,      But he signed he knew not why or howA scarlet slipper, an auburn curl,              The sign of the Cross on his clammy brow.
A mantle of silk, and a bracelet of pearl,
And a packet of letters, from whose sweet fold  There was turning of keys, and creaking of locks,
Such a stream of delicate odors rolled,         As he stalked away with his iron box.
That the abbot fell on his face, and fainted,       "Oh, ho! Oh, ho!
And deemed his spirit was half-way sainted.         The cock doth crow
It is time for the fisher to rise and go.
Fair luck to the abbot, fair luck to the shrine!
Sounds seemed dropping from the skies,     He hath gnawed in twain my choicest line;
Stifled whispers, smothered sighs,         Let him swim to the north, let him swim to the
And the breath of vernal gales,                 south,
And the voice of nightingales;             The abbot will carry my hook in his mouth!"
But the nightingales were mute,
Envious, when an unseen lute
Shaped the music of its chords             The abbot had preached for many years,
Into passion's thrilling words:               With as clear articulation
As ever was heard in the House of Peers
Against emancipation;
"Smile, lady, smile!-I will not set           His words had made battalions quake,
Upon my brow the coronet,                         Had roused the zeal of martyrs;
Till thou wilt gather roses white               He kept the court an hour awake,
To wear around its gems of light.                 And the king himself three quarters:
Smile, lady, smile!-I will not see             But ever, from that hour,'tis said,
Rivers and Hastings bend the knee,                He stammered and he stuttered,
Till those bewitching lips of thine             As if an axe went through his head
Will bid me rise in bliss from mine.              With every word he uttered.
Smile, lady, smile!-for who would win          He stuttered o'er blessing, he stuttered o'er ban,
A loveless throne through gilt and sin?          He stuttered, drunk or dry;
Or who would reign o'er vale and hill,          And none but he and the fisherman
If woman's heart were rebel still?"              Could tell the reason why!




740                         AN INTERVIEW  WITH A PASHA.
AN INTERVIEW WITH A PASHA.
FROM " EOTHEN."  BY G. W. KINGLAKE.
IN the Ottoman dominions there is scarcely any    PASHA. The Englishman is welcome; most blesshereditary influence except that which belongs to  ed among hours is this, the hour of his coming.
the family of the Sultan; and wealth, too, is a highly   DRAGOMAN (to the Traveller). The Pasha pays you
volatile blessing, not easily transmitted to the de- his compliments.
scendants of the owner. From these causes it re-   TRAVELLER. Give him my best compliments in
suits, that the people standing in the place of nobles return, and say I'm delighted to have the honor of
and gentry, are official personages, and though many  seeing him.
(indeed the greater number) of these potentates are   DRAGOMAN (to the Pasha). His Lordship, this
humbly born and bred, you will seldom, I think, Englishman, Lord of London, Scorner of Ireland,
find them wanting in that polished smoothness of Suppressor of France, has quitted his governments,
manner, and those well undulating tones which be- and left his enemies to breathe for a moment, and
long to the best Osmanlees. The truth is, that has crossed the broad waters in strict disguise, with
most of the men in authority have risen from their a small but eternally faithful retinue of followers, in
humble stations by the arts of the courtier, and  order that he might look upon the bright countethey preserve in their high estate, those gentle nance of the Pasha among Pashas-the Pasha of
powers of fascination to which they owe their suc- the everlasting Pashalik of Karagholookoldour.
cess. Yet unless you can contrive to learn a little   TRAVELLER (to his Dragoman). What on earth
of the language, you will be rather bored by'your have you been saying about London?  The Pasha
visits of ceremony; the intervention of the inter- will be taking me for a mere cockney. Have not I
preter, or Dragom&n as he is called, is fatal to the  told you always to say, that I am from a branch of
spirit of conversation. I think I should mislead  the family of Mudcombe Park, and that I am to be
you, if I were to attempt to give the substance of a magistrate for the county of Bedfordshire, only
any particular conversation with Orientals. A tray- I've not qualified, and that I should have been a
eller may write and say that, " the Pasha of So-and- Deputy-lieutenant, if it had not been for the extraSo was particularly interested in the vast progress ordinary conduct of Lord Mountpromise, and that I
which has been made in the application of steam, was a candidate for Goldborough at the last elecand appeared to understand the structure of our tion, and that I should have won easy, if my commachinery-that he remarked upon the gigantic  mittee had not been bought. I wish to heaven
results of our manufacturing industry-showed  that if you do say anything about me, you'd tell the
that he possessed considerable knowledge of our simple truth.
Indian affairs, and of the constitution of the Com-   DRAGOMsAN-[is silent].
pany, and expressed a lively admiration of the    PASHA. What says the friendly Lord of London?
many sterling qualities for which the people of is there aught that I can grant him within the PashEngland are distinguished."  But the heap of com- alik of Karagholookoldour?
mon-places thus quietly attributed to the Pasha,   DRAGOMAN (growing sulky and literal). This friendwill have been founded, perhaps, on some such talk- ly Englishman-this branch of Mudcombe-this
ing as this:-                                  head-purveyor of Goldborough-this possible poXV/7'~~~~~~~~~~~~
i:iil~~~~~~




AN INTERVIEW  WITH A PASHA.                                 T741
liceman of Bedfordshire is recounting his achieve- item in the ledger-books of the merchants, whose
ments, and the number of his titles.           lumber-rooms are filled with ancient thrones!PASHA. The end of his honors is more distant than  whirr! whirr! all by wheels! — whiz! whiz! all by
the ends of the earth, and the catalogue of his glori- steam!
ous deeds is brighter than the firmament of Heaven!   DRAGOMAN. The Pasha compliments the cutlery
DRAGOMAN (to the Traveller). The Pasha congrat- of England, and also the East India Company.
ulates your Excellency.                           TRAVELLER. The Pasha's right about the cutlery
TRAVELLER. About Goldborough?  The deuce (I tried my scimitar with the common officers'
he does! —but I want to get at his views in relation  swords belonging to our fellows at Malta, and they
to the present state of the Ottoman Empire; tell cut it like the leaf of a novel]. Well [to the Draghim the Houses of Parliament have met, and that oman], tell the Pasha I am exceedingly gratified to
there has been a speech from the throne, pledging  find that he entertains such a high opinion of our
England to preserve the integrity of the Sultan's manufacturing energy, but I should like him to
dominions.                                     know, though, that we have got something in EngDRAGOMAN (to the Pasha). This branch of Mud- land besides that. These foreigners are always fancombe, this possible policeman of Bedfordshire, in- cying that we have nothing but ships, and railways,
forms your Highness that in England the talking  and East Companies; do just tell the Pasha that
houses have met, and that the integrity of the Sul- our rural districts deserve his attention, and that
tan's dominions has been assured for ever and ever, even within the last two hundred years, there has
by a speech from the velvet chair.              been an evident improvement in the culture of the
PASHA. Wonderful chair!  Wonderful houses! turnip, and if he does not take any interest about
-whirr! whirr! all by wheels!-whiz! whiz! all that, at all events you can explain that we have our
by steam!-wonderful chair! wonderful houses! virtues in the country-that the British yeoman is
wonderful people!-whirr! whirr! all by wheels! still, thank God! the British yeoman: —Oh! and
-whiz! whiz! all by steam!                     by the by, whilst you are about it, you may as well
TRAVELLER (to the Dragoman). What does the say that we are a truth-telling people, and, like the
Pasha mean by the whizzing? he does not mean to  Osmanlees, are faithful in the performance of our
say, does he, that our Government will ever aban- promises.
don their pledges to the Sultan?                 PASHA [after hearing the Dragoman]. It is true,
DRAGOMAN. No, your Excellency; but he says it is true:-through all Feringhistan the English are
the English talk by wheels and steam.          foremost and best; for the Russians are drilled
TRAVELLER. That's an exaggeration; but say that swine, and the Germans are sleeping babes, and the
the English really have carried machinery to great Italians are the servants of songs, and the French
perfection; tell the Pasha (he'll be struck with that), are the sons of newspapers, and the Greeks they
that whenever we have any disturbances to put are weavers of lies, but the English and the Osmandown, even at two or three hundred miles from  lees are brothers together in righteousness; for the
London, we can send troops by the thousand, to  Osmanlees believe in one only God, and cleave to
the scene of action, in a few hours.           the Koran, and destroy idols; so do the English
DRAGOMAN (recovering his temper and freedom of worship one God, and abominate graven images,
speech). His Excellency, this Lord of Mudcombe, and tell the truth, and believe in a book; and though
observes to your Highness, that whenever the Irish, they drink the juice of the grape, yet to say that
or the French, or the Indians rebel against the they worship their prophet as God, or to say that
English, whole armies of soldiers, and brigades of they are eaters of pork, these are lies,-lies born of
artillery, are dropped into a mighty chasm calied  Greeks, and nursed by Jews!
Euston Square, and in the biting of a cartridge they    DRAGOMAN. The Pasha compliments the English.
arise up again in Manchester, or Dublin, or Paris,   TRAVELLER [rising]. Well, I've had enough of
or Delhi, and utterly exterminate the enemies of this. Tell the Pasha, I am greatly obliged to him
England from the face of the earth.            for his hospitality, and still more for his kindness in
PASHA. I know it-I know all-the particulars furnishing me with horses, and say that now I must
have been faithfully related to me, and my mind be off.
comprehends locomotives. The armies of the Eng-   PASHA [after hearing the Dragoman, and standing
lish ride upon the vapors of boiling cauldrons, and up on his Divan]. Proud are the sires and blessed
their horses are flaming coals!-whirr! whirr! all are the dams of the horses that shall carry his Exby wheels!-whiz! whiz! all by steam!        cellency to the end of his prosperous journey.-May
TRAVELLER (to his Dragoman). I wish to have the saddle beneath him glide down to the gates of
the opinion of an unprejudiced Ottoman gentleman, the happy city, like a boat swimming on the third
as to the prospects of our English commerce and river of Paradise.-May he sleep the sleep of a
manufactures; just ask the Pasha to give me his child, when his friends are around him, and the
views on the subject.                          while that his enemies are abroad, may his eyes
PASHA (after having received the communication of flame red through the darkness-more red than the
the Dragoman). The ships of the English swarm  eyes of ten tigers! —farewell!
like flies; their printed calicoes cover the whole   DRAGOMAN. The Pasha wishes your Excellency a
earth, and by the side of their swords the blades of pleasant journey.
Damascus are blades of grass. All India is but an    So ends the visit.
" WHICH do you think the merriest place in ex-   A mother admonishing her son, a lad about seven
istence?"  " Tiat immediately above the atmos- years of age, told him he should never put off till
phere' that surrounds the earth."  "Why so?" to-morrow any thing that he could do to-day. The
"Because I am told that there all bodies lose their little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the
gravity.                                        remainder of the plum pudding to-night."
48




742                                 HINTS TO ARCHERS.
HINTS TO ARCHERS.
BY CAPTAIN CRAM, H. P. ROYAL HORSE MARINES.-ANON.
With loynes in canvass bow-case tied,
Where arrows stick in mickle pride;
Like ghats of Adam Bell and Clymme
Sol sets-for fear they'll shoot at him.-SIR WM. DAVENANT.
I AM an enthusiastic admirer of the long-bow, horseman, in a similar way, and fastened him to
that " noble weapon of renown." I have made my- the saddle through the hip; but the wounded man
self acquainted with its history, from the day it was turning his horse by the bridle, the same archer
first invented by Apollo to the present time. I dealt another shaft, which, strange to say, observes
have studied minutely the great Ascham's "Five  William, passed through the other hip, and comPoints of Archery,"-I have practised standing, pletely fixed him; and the horse plunged so fearnooking, drawing, holding, and loosing; and written  fully, that men marvelled to see so clever a horsepractical observations on each movement. I can  man, not knowing the ingenious manner by which
tell.you all about the Target, the Bracer, Quiver, he was made to keep his seat!  If the gentleman
Belt, Pouch, Tassal, and Grease-box; I have atten- did not affirm that he saw these things, I should
tively read, nay, even learned, by heart, Ascham's hardly have believed him. This De Breusa was a
"Toxophilus," Strutt's "Sports andPastimes,"Mose- member of the "Royal British Bowmen," which
ley's "Essays on Archery," Roberts' "English Bow- society exists to this day, and can produce as good
man," Barrington's tract in the "Archaeologia;" shots as William.
besides every writer of antiquity that has treated,   But of all who have conferred lustre on the annals
ever so remotely, on the long-bow. The result of of archery, none are so conspicuous as the bold outmy studies will be apparent in the following pages law of Sherwood, that "most gentle theefe," as
-it will be seen that I am no contemptible shot.   Grafton calls him in his Chronicle of Breteyne.The long-bow is a weapon of the very earliest an- Dr. Hanmer, speaking of the extraordinary things
tiquity; it is supposed to have been introduced  performed by Robin Hood and Little John, says,
into England by the Cretan auxiliaries under Julius the latter is reported to have shot an arrow a mile;
Ceesar. The weapon was never much in esteem  "but I leave these," observes the worthy doctor
among the Legions, though after reading the com- rather discourteously, " among the lies of the land."
mentaries ofthe'Roman hero, I cannot help suspect- I don't know why he should disbelieve it, when
ing that the "immortal Caesar" was himself no  many greater things than that have been done,
stranger to its practice.                       with the help of the long-bow; as any one may see
Although the Romans, as a people, were not cele- who reads the doctor's "Chronicles of Ireland!"
brated for excellence in the art, yet Suetonius and    I would willingly recount the feats of the great
others give some wonderful accounts of the pro- archers of former days, but I have no space. I must
gress of many of the Emperors. Commodus was pass over the great Zosimus, who described afriend
an absolute marvel. Herodian says, he would kill of his at the battle of Mursa, who had the wondera hundred lions in the amphitheatre with a hundred  ful gift of discharging three arrows at once, and
arrows, and never miss, or merely wound, in a sin- killing a man with each! Phillippe de Comines and
gle instance. That was not all; he would cause  Froissart were great shots, as any one will discover
arrows to be made with sharp circular heads, and  by reading their Chronicles. And Sir John Smith,
when the ostrich was urged to full speed, he would  who tells us of the " valleys which ran with rivers
remove its head so dexterously, that the uncon- of blood, caused by the slaughter from the Turkish
scious bird would continue running as though no- bow."  The great Lord Bacon, too, a splendid archthing had happened! The emperor must have been  er, who writes, " The Turkish bow giveth a very
a devil of a shot, and so was Herodian!         forcible shoot; insomuch that it hath been known
But these were isolated cases. -It was reserved  that the arrow hath pierced clean through a steel
for Britons to carry the palm of archery against the  target, and a plate of brass two inches thick!"  I
world. In Scotland, the bow was practised as early  must leave, though unwillingly, the exploits of these
as in the south, if we may believe one Macpherson  great men and good archers, and touch upon the
-a poet of a very remote age, and the author of moderns, and with great justice; for, however grand
Ossian. " Sons of Leith," says Macpherson, " bring  are the recorded feats of former days, I will back
the bows of our fathers! the sounding quivers of  the performances of our own times against them,
Morni!"  And in Wales, there were archers of whether for length, strength, or ability.
wonderful skill. Giraldus Cambrensis relates, that,   I believe I have hinted, in my title, that I have
during a siege in that country, two soldiers, in  the honor to belong to that highly respectable and
haste to regain their tower, were annoyed by the  distinguished corps, the Royal Horse Marines, so
arrows of the Welsh. They succeeded in closing  called from their always riding at anchor, and from
the portals; but were killed notwithstanding; for my long service in different countries have had
the arrows went clean through the defence, which  much experience in these matters of which I treat.
was of hardened oak, closely studded, and four   I have witnessed the practice of each country,
inches thick! William de Breusa, himself an archer, and hardly know to which to award the palm. The
likewise relates, that he saw a horse-soldier, clad in  Americans take an extraordinary range, and shoot
complete mail, with buff coat beneath, struck  very fearlessly. The French, if not so strong, are
through the hip with an arrow, which not only kill- peculiarly dexterous; but an Irishman possesses a
ed the rider, but, piercing the saddle, killed the  wonderful facility for shooting round corners, parhorse. "But," says William, " although that might ticularly if a tailor is after him. The most extraorbe thought a clever shot, it was nothing to another dinary feat I ever witnessed was of an Irishman,
I saw."  Another Welshman struck another mailed  who shot up Holborn Hill, and with such prodigious




HINTS TO ARCHERS.                                    743
force, that both his eyes went clean through a brick  of the howling wilderness, unless it be wildernesswall I This is a fact; for I saw it. I have known  row! What of roaring cataracts, save that of low
some good shots among the English, particularly  water at London Bridge! He can form no idea of
the ladies, who draw a very powerful bow; one, the trackless waste by that of Walworth and Newparticularly, I remember, who shot so far beyond  ington Butts; or of interminable forests, by that of
the mark, that her shaft was positively lost in the  Epping. His scepticism, therefore, is no scandal;
clouds! She was a member of the "Toxophilite" it requires an enlarged mind to comprehend the
society, of which the late king was president. wonders of America, and to judge of the enterprise
Their was another capital English shot, a friend of of archers by whom it has been explored. A very
mine, who belonged to the "Royal Kentish Bow- ingenious friend of mine, and, curious enough, of
men;" he used to relate, that once riding from  the same name as myself, a native of Boston, and a
Seven Oaks, he was overtaken by a thunder-storm; splendid shot, has frequently astonished me with
he hoped to escape it by giving his horse the reins, the exploits of American archers. He said, that
and singular enough he just kept a-head of it by  once, when he went into Kentucky to witness a trial
about half a yard! In this manner, he galloped at of skill, he stayed by the way at a public-house, and
speed five miles, I may say, neck and neck with  observing in the room such an amount of broken
the thunder-cloud, the rain, or rather torrent, de- ware, and equivocal marks, he was quite convinced,
scending exactly upon his horse's crupper all the  knowing the savage nature of Kentuckian fighting,
way; the road behind was literally deluged; as he that a desperate and murderous affray had taken
emphatically observed, it could only be compared  place there. He remarked the servant sweeping
to being within half a yatd of the falls of Niagara! the floor, and putting the contents carefully into a
He was fortunately saved from  the cataract by  basket. Rather surprised, he asked her what she
shooting up a gateway. It was a capital shot. If  was preserving with such care. "Oh!" said the
any impertinent doubt was ever expressed at this girl, "nothing very particular, only a few eyes."
relation, the archer would say, fiercely, " Sir, if you "Eyes?" inquired my friend. " You see," she said,
want a lie, I'll give you one; but that's a fact, by  "about fourteen gentlemen went home blind last
G —!" and no man was better able; he was one of night, so I was just picking up their eyes,'cause
the best shots I knew.                         the gentlemen, when they got sober, may be calling
I mentioned the French as dexterous marksmen. for'em, I guess!"
I once knew a gentleman from Gascony-proverbial   My friend Cram I have great respect for, both as
for its archery; he had been an officer under Napo- an accomplished archer, and an excellent man. He
leon-by the way, I have always remarked the has witnessed some wonderful exertions of the art;
superiority of soldiers and sailors in their manage- indeed, those wherein he has taken an active part,
ment of the weapon. He told me of a duel in  are not to be excelled by any professor of any
which he had been engaged at Paris, where the  country whatsoever. I remember, before I went
signal was un, deux, and to fire at the word trois. to America, and became intimate with him, I was
It must be understood we had been quizzing the  introduced to his sister, then residing in the county
Parisians on their affectation in rolling the letter R  of Down. I forgot to mention he has some Irish
about their mouths previous to utterance.  "My  blood in his veins, which may, perhaps, adcount for
opponent," said the Gascon, "was of the garde his superiority in skill and power. His sister, to
i-mperial-sacre tonnerre!-he was a dead shot. I give me an idea of the wonderful prowess of
had but one chance, and I watched it narrowly. her beloved brother, gave me a letter to read,
The second gave the word, un, deux-but cade di, which she had received from him on his return to
long before he could finish the word TROIS, I shot Boston from England. I will give an extract:
my man dead!"  I must observe that my lively    "We had a pleasant sort of passage enough, but
friend was equally good with the pistol as with the  I missed my sport sadly. We, however, managed
bow. He was very jealous of the honor of his to practise with the bow and rifle, and I need not
province, which he never allowed could be exoeed- tell you, with some advantage over my less praced in any thing. Some discourse once took place  tised companions. Occasionally, when the weather
concerning the height of Monsieur Louis, the French  was fine, Captain Mizen, knowing my love of the
giant, who measured six feet ten inches. " Ton- sport, had the boat lowered, and we mustered up a
nerre?" cried he, "what a shrimp!  Why, in my  shooting party. There is capital shooting on the
country, I knew a man so tall that he was positively  Atlantic, but the game, though plentiful, is by no
obliged to get up a ladder every morning to shave means varied.  During our passage, I met with
himself; he was a tall man if you like."  He admit- no other than the "flying fish."  One day, I manted that he never knew but one man of that stature, aged, however, to bag fifty brace of these amphiand that he was a very long way off. My friend  bious birds, the sailors rowing us under the very
was elected, some yeqars since, a member of the trees in which they build their nests! We some"Royal Edinburgh Society" of Archers, and is an times had some good fishing. The dolphin is an
ornament to that distinguished corps. After all, I extraordinarily rapacious fish; an instance of which
must in justice say, that the Americans beat us all I will relate. We caught so many one day that
out of the field. Neither French, English, nor several were thrown into the sea again, and we conIrish, can compare with them in the use and prac- tinued merely for the sake of the sport. One of
tice of the long-bow, although I am aware that I the fish, by some accident, had his tail cut off, and,
risk giving offence to many meritorious and skilful being short of bait, I put it upon my hook; in about
individuals. How does the incredulous cockney  a minute I hooked a fish, and, much to our surprise,
stare when he hears of the great sea-serpent! He it proved to be the very mutilated dolphin, posidoes not believe it, not he-he little knows it was tively caught by his own tail.
an archer to whom the glory of the discovery is due.   "I must not forget to tell you that we landed at
What can he know of monsters of the deep, except Bermuda, and found the niggers all bald, which I
cod-fish and oysters in sauce!  What can he know  heard was occasioned by the habit of butting in




744                                 HINTS TO ARCHERS.
their personal encounters with each other. This of every other. It was no uncommon thing, he
fact convinces me that the organ of combativeness said, after that event, for the fishermen to take a
is not, as Gall has placed it, behind the ear. The  king-fish clothed in a bed-gown of Manchester
Bermudians are a very singular people. I was in- stripes!-a shark was killed with a Guernsey shirt
formed that those who lived on the other side of  on; a whole shoal of porpoises were seen with red
the island are quite amphibious, and live for days night-caps; and a guard-fish was hooked that wore
under water. This is in consequence of their living  a gauze veil! A gentleman, however, from Trinientirely on fish.-I have no reason to doubt the  dad, a Mr. Muscovada, denied the intellectual
fact. Fish here is extremely good; but all kinds superiority of the American fish over those of the
of meat are inferior to those of England, except West Indies; "and to prove it," observed Muscopork, which is so excellent that the Bermudians vada, "I remember once, after the Thunder frigate
literally eat it till the bristles grow out of their skin! was wrecked in the gulf of Paria, one of our whale"The inhabitants have no occasion for lamps or boats harpooned a grampus, who, it was found,
candles of any kind; for the atmosphere, at night, had the man-of-war's mainsail tied round his neck
is positively in one blaze of illumination with fire- for a cravat?  What do you think of that?" said
flies. These beautiful little creatures not only dis- he. Cram was floored.
pel darkness, but when we want to light our Cigars
we need but catch one of these luciferous insects,
and holding it to our tobacco, fire is procured."          _I shall forbear quoting more of Mr. Cram's letter;     _  
the reader will doubtless be pleased with the spirit          H -
of observation displayed throughout. I can myself
vouch for the authenticity of his statements; for,                   y t
not long afterwards, I made the same passage, and
witnessed the things he describes. I had the good
fortune, likewise, to bring down many coveys of the
amphibious birds he mentions-the flying fish, as
well as several sea-woodcocks, which, having no
dogs, he could not flush. Knowing this, I had
taken care to provide myself with a brace of waterdogs, and found them very useful.
I never shall forget the first evening I arrived at
Boston. Cram had invited many congenial spirits
to meet me, and I never passed a pleasanter time.
Of course, our favorite weapon bore a prominent
part in the conversation. Cram gave us a very interesting account of a vessel foundering near the
coast, which was the means of elucidating a curious
fact; he wished to prove a superiority of instinct   But the most curious sporting anecdote I rememin the scaly inhabitants of these waters, over those ber was told me by Cram, one evening, over our




THE MOUNTEBANK DOCTOR.                                    745
brandy-and-water; as he was the party concerned, your repetition, I have only related the facts as they
it may be relied on. We were speaking of England, occurred."  I expressed some surprise, and he conand I was relating to him the different societies of tinued: "The fact was, I had been to a party that
Bowmen.                                         day, and had so astonished the natives with my
Among other persons, the name of his sister was skill upon our weapon, that I believe I over-exerted
introduced, and he mentioned several interesting  myself. When I returned, I commenced writing
anecdotes of her skill, when she was a member of to my sister, as the packet was about to sail, and I
the "Hainault Foresters."  I happened to mention  remember well writing the words' My dear sister;'
having been much pleased with the letter he had and when I tell you, that I wrote the whole of that
written to his sister, which I had the good fortune  communication to which you allude fast asleep, I
to read, and, at his wish, related the points of it. tell you nothing more than the fact; and what is
"Ah! my dear Captain," said he, "'that letter was more, actually folded, directed, and sealed it, and
written under very singular circumstances; I never should not have waked, had I not-burnt my fingers
knew till this moment what I wrote, although, from  with the wax!"
THE MOUNTEBANK DOCTOR.
BY LUKE RODEN.
"ENGLAND,
I RESUME my task with the description of a char- 
acter now entirely extinct, but which sixty years
ago was one of no trifling importance-the Mountebank Doctor. As yet quack medicines were not! 
A few established formulae had been handed down
to us by our ancestors; but the mystery which excited curiosity was not an ignorance of their ingre- bum. I have seen many of these Thesauri; but as
dients, but rather admiration of the wonderful pre- caligraphy was not cultivated in those days, and
cautions to be observed in their preparation. the orthography was ad libitum, they were often as
Plants were to be gathered in the wane of the moon, obscure as the books of the Sybils.
and especially three'days before the new moon, and    The comprehensive character of some of these
with the midnight dew upon them. Then the ex- prescriptions was admirable. I remember one intraordinary multiplicity of ingredients-even the  deed in a book called "The Englishman's Treasure,"
College of Physicians retained preparations origi- published by the serjeant-surgeon to King Henry
nally consisting of two hundred and fifty or three the Eighth, to Edward the Sixth, Queen Mary, and
hundred articles, which, in mercy to the apotheca- Queen Elizabeth, which is thus headed, " A Remedy
ries of those days (for, as yet, " chemists" also were for an Inward Ail." No one ever trumped this till
not) they cut down to seventy or eighty. Next, the advent of Dr. Morrison with his pills-" an inthe wonderful accuracy of the instructions, which, fallible cure for all diseases, medical or surgical."
instead of the vague directions of ounces and    There were occasions, however, in which even
drachms, were worded thus:-Hikery pikery, two  the medical album failed to afford relief to the tenpen'orth; cinnamon, one pen'orth; rhubarb, three ant farmers and their laborers, though its treasures
pen'orth; marjoram, a handful; penny-royal, half were bestowed and superintended by the Lady
a handful; white pepper, a pinch-and so on. La- Bountiful of the district. In such cases, there was
dies of fortune passed their time in collecting large no resource but to wait for the Doctor, who made
volumes of these valuable prescriptions, and every  his regular rounds at stated seasons, and especially
visitor was solicited for an addition to the treasure, at fairs and wakes; and his arrival was anticipated
as in the present day for a contribution to an al- with a degree of anxiety and confidence which those




'46                             THE MOUNTEBANK DOCTOR.
only can appreciate who enjoy the double blessing    " Another lie," said the -Merry Andrew, " there
of credulity and ignorance. Often have I superin- were only eight, and one of them was beginning to
tended the erection of the stage on which the mira- get better."
cle-worker was to display his nostrums. I had a    Thus did he go on, through all the ills that flesh
female friend, whose house was exactly facing it. is heir to, sometimes condescending to give details
She had been housekeeper to a nobleman, and re- of the most terrific cases, when, having worked up
tired on an independence. I had the honor to be  his audience to breathless horror at the sufferings
an especial favorite of the old lady, and have often  he described, he would exclaim, "Now who would
had the happiness to be made ill by the quantity of be such a fool as to run the risk of all this, when
custard, sugared bread and butter, toffy, barley su- by spending three and sixpence for this little bottle
gar, and above all, furmity, which she prepared  of'Preservative Elixir of Life,' he can be sure of
with unsurpassable skill. The last delicacy per- escaping it for ever,"-and he held up one of the
haps is unknown in the present day;-it deserves bottles with which his table was covered.
preservation in the records of gastronomy. It was   After some story of unusual pathos, I recollect
composed of wheat boiled quite tender-deprived  seeing people tumble up the steps by half dozens to
of its skin, and flavored with cream, yolk of egg, possess themselves of the treasure, and put down
cinnamon, sugar, chopped raisins, candied lemon  their money with the greatest alacrity and satisfacpeel, and various other dainties. I went from time  tion,-and as in Homceopathy and Morrison's unito time to the window to watch the preparations versal medicines, many of the better classes, who,
for the doctor, as children in the present day wait in their sober moments, ridiculed the folly of others
the drawing up of the curtain for a pantomime, who put faith in a mountebank, carried away by the
then back to my furmity and custard; then again  enthusiasm of the orator, pushed forward to parto the window, in blissful alternation. At last, the  take of the blessings, or sent others for a large supgreat man appeared, and furmity and custard were  ply to distribute among the deserving poor. If the
abandoned-not, however, till I had eaten enough  quack had been more than usually successful, he
to make me ill next day.                        would generously give a supper to a select number
" A think a see him noo," as Mathews' old Scotch- of the farmers and principal tradesmen of the town,
woman says. He was a tall, spare man, punctil- and when (as a matter of course) they were all
iously dressed in black, with, of course, diamond thoroughly drunk, he generally contrived to make
shoe and knee buckles, a brilliant handled sword  them disburse such a sum for " stuff" as abundantly
by his side, long lace ruffles to his wrists, his fingers covered the expenses of the entertainment.
covered with rings, a profusion of frill forming a    The bandying of jokes between the Merry Ancataract of lace and cambric from his neck to his drew and the crowd, formed a large part of the
waist; while his satin waistcoat was only fastened  fun. Sometimes the doctor would affect ignorance
with one button, that it might be displayed to ad- of an obvious deception, and let the clumsy clowns
vantage: his hair frizzed out on both sides of his enjoy a temporary triumph, when he would make
head to the greatest possible extent, and surmount- the man a present of a bottle of his Preservative
ed by a small three-cornered hat; an immense silk  Elixir, saying that it would be a pity such a clever
bag, supposed to contain his long hair, but really,. fellow should ever be ill; but he generally conas in the present court dress, only fastened to the  trived to have his revenge before the termination
collar of his coat. Add to all these attractions, a of the day's proceedings.
face well rouged, and an immense gold-headed cane,   On one occasion, a great gawky lumbering clodand you have a perfect picture of the doctor of the  hopper thought he had devised a mode of turning
last century.                                   the laugh against the Doctor.  He mounted the
The polished gentleman was accompanied by his stage, and on being questioned as to his disorder,
servant-his Jack Pudding-exactly in dress, man- said, very gravely, " Why, I'm a liar."-" Sad disners, and language, the clown at a circus. His busi- order, sir, but perfectly curable," said the doctor.
ness was to lay plans for jokes, which, of course, "' Well, but (said the man) I've a worser nor that,
had been arranged beforehand with his master, and  I've lost my memory."-" Quite curable also," addwhich were not always the most decent, but which  ed the Doctor, "but I must make my preparations.
never failed to raise a loud laugh among the clowns Come again after dinner, and I will be ready for
who composed the audience. The Doctor exhibited  you; but pay down five shillings."  The man, who
a few of the common conjurer tricks with the pulse  had intended to have his fun gratis, resisted, but
glass, the air-pump, etc., and then proceeded to  the Doctor declared he never let any one down
business. For all the ailments that man or woman  from the stage till he had paid something.  "Beever felt or fancied, he had infallible remedies,- sides (said the Doctor) how can I trust you; you
consumption, king's evil, gout, rheumatism, lumba- say you are a liar, and have no memory; so you
go, jaundice, bile, (or as he pleased to call it, the  will either break your promise or forget all about
boils,) and a thousand others were easily conquered; it."  A loud laugh from the crowd expressed their
and I remember often hearing him lament that acquiescence in the justice of the claim, and the
there was nobody ill enough to afford scope for the  poor devil, nolens volens, was compelled to lay down
full power of his art.  "Thirty-five did I cure of the cash. No one supposed he would come again,
the most inveterate jaundice in the town of Bir- but the fool still hoped that he might turn the tables,
migham, where I stayed only two days."          and presented himself at the appointed hour.
" A lie," said the clown, (or Merry Andrew, as he    The Doctor received him with great gravity, and
was called, putting his hand to the side of his addressing the audience, said, "Gentlemen may
mouth, and affecting to speak to the mob in a stage  think it a joke, but I assure them on the honor of a
whisper,) " A lie," said he, " there were only twen- gentleman, that it is a very serious affair; and I
tv-nine."                                       hereby engage to return the money, if the bystand" Seven did I cure in the little village of Brently, ers do not acknowledge the cure, and that I am
where I only stopped to bait my horses half an  fairly entitled to the reward."  The man sat down
hour-"                                          -was furnished with a glass of water-the Doctor




THE DEFEATED DUELLIST.                                   747
produced a box of flattened black pills; and to show    "There," said the Doctor, lifting up both hands,
that they were perfectly innocent, affected to swal- "Did anybody ever witness so sudden, so miraculow three or four himself. He then gave one to the lous a recovery? He's evidently cured of lying, for
man, who, after many wry faces bit into it-started  he has told the truth instantly; and as to memory!
up, spitting and sputtering, and exclaimed, "Why, my good fellow, (said he, patting him on the back,)
hang me, if it isn't cobbler's wax!"  Yes, it is true if you ever forget this, call on me, and I'll return
that the Doctor had procured his pills at a neigh- you the money."
boring cobbler's stall!
THE DEFEATED DUELLIST.
AN unlooked-for termination to an intended trag- he required his morning meal with as little delay as
edy, occurred a few years ago, at Portsmouth. possible.
Captain Adamson was constantly complaining that   On entering his room, he found to his disagreehis subaltern did not treat him with sufficient re- able surprise that no preparations had been made
spect, but the more he. pointed out the necessity for for his breakfast, his grate was empty, all looked
his being accosted with the defence due to his age cheerless and uncomfortable.
and superior rank, the more waggishly familiar would    " What is the reason of this shameful neglect,
Ridley's language and manner become.           sir?" he demanded from his servant.
Adamson, for a considerable portion of his life,   "Why, please, sir, Mr. Ridley's man came and said
had held some post at an isolated corner of one of as how I wasn't to get breakfast ready, but when
the West India islands, and being the " head  you come in from your walk I was to give you this."
buckra" while there, acquired an idea of his own    Adamson glanced at the note presented; it'was
importance, with which on his revisiting Britain he in Ridley's hand. Some new insult, doubtless; he
was reluctant to part. He was in the main, how- dared not open it while even the eye of the servant
ever, a kindly disposed person, but very illiterate, was on him. Desiring the man to quit the room,
and not overblest with natural sagacity, yet, de- he broke the seal and read as follows:
spite the constant freedoms of Ridley, the captain                       could you think that
was never so happy as when in his sub's company.   M  DEAR JIMMY-HoW could you think that I
One day, nevertheless, the superior opined that should be such a fool as to leave my warm bed to
his lieutenant had carried the joke too far. The  go out in the damp air for the purpose of shooting
head and front of his offending was that of having  at you?  Lord love your dear stupid head!  Did I
called Adamson " Jimmy," in the presence of some establish my character in Spain for nothing? Ask
ladies, at whdse house the captain flattered himself any man in the service who knows me, whether I
he was a welcome guest, not only for his amusing can't afford to refuse fighting with my James. I
honversation, but fromwel e  his r ank in the army.  hope the sea-breezes have cooled your fever and made
"If ever you presume to call me so again, I shall you hungry. I have a capital breakfast ready for
take serious notice of it," he spluttered; "James  you-tea, coffee, hot-rolls, broiled ham, eggs, and
would be quite bad enough, young sir, but Jimmy  what I  know you dote on-a  red-herring stuffed
-— it is not to be borne-and I'll show you that I with bird's-eye peppers. Come along at once, for
could, if I liked, bring you to a court-martial for by the god of war, I shan't wait for you half as
using language to your superior unbecoming the long as you were fool enough to cool your heels excharacter of an officer and a gentleman."       pecting me-likely. What! fire at my own cap"Court-martial, indeed!" replied Ridley; "try  tain? my friendJimmy?  Impossible.
it, my jolly old boy; why, you are known only by           Yours as ever,     FRED. RIDLEY.
the name of Jimmy, and hang me but I think you  India  S.If you don't make haste, your West
India favorite will be.over-done."
were christened Jimmy."
* "I shall not bear this insolence; you shall hear   Perfectly astonished at this epistle, half dying
from me."                                      with emptiness, and really feeling a strong regard
A friend of the captain's waited on Ridley, in- for the offender, Adamson did not think it necesforming him that his presence was expected on  sary to deliberate, but went directly to his subalSouth-Sea Common, at the hour of eight on the fol- tern's room, the savory steam of the viands urging
lowing morning.                                his steps; he tapped at the door. "Mr. Ridley,"
Before the clock struck, Adamson, his second, attempted  Adamson; "this is very extraordiand a surgeon, to show that the bold challenger was nary   "
determined to bring matters to a sanguinary issue,   "Warm yourself, Jimmy."
were seen on the ground. The morning was raw    "I really ought to be offended, but   "
and cold, a heavy sea-mist came rolling over the    "Eat, Jimmy."
flat, much to the discomfort of one who had resided    "You are so fond of a joke that-"
so long in the tropics. The trio remained at the    "Drink, Jimmy."
post for an hour, yet Ridley came not; then Adam-   He interrupted the captain's every speech by
son, apologizing for having given his companions plying him with good things; and when he saw
so much unnecessary trouble, took leave of them, that the cravings of nature were satisfied, said to
and made his way to the barracks, breathing vows him in a tone of mock gravity.
of vengeance against the man whose conduct had    "Now, my dear Jimmy, take my advice; keep
forced him to seek the only means left of insuring  this little piece of folly of yours entirely toyourfuture respect, yet who had shrunk from giving him  self, or you will be laughed at more than ever."
any satisfaction; instead of which, the air and ex-   The butt did not take counsel. It was to his
ercise had given him a ferocious appetite, and his in- unwisely detailing, that the garrison owed the diverward man betokened, by certain grumblings, that sion occasioned by the story of this defeated duel.




748         HOW  I WENT UP THE JUNG-FRAU, AND CAME DOWN AGAIN.
HOW I WENT UP THE JUNG-FRAU, AND CAME DOWN AGAIN.
(BY PETER TWITTERS, PHILOSOPHER, CAMDEN TOWN.)
[From his own private Diary, which he kept for publication in the Times, only they didn't put it in.]
ANONYMOUS.
July 25th.-Determined to ascend the Jung-Frau mountain, which is  \
totally inaccessible and impossible to climb. Difficulties only add fuel to
the fire of a Briton's determination. Was asked what I should do when I
got to the top. Replied, come down again. That's what every body does
who goes up high hills. Engaged guides, porters, etc. Provided ourselves with \_k    _ -/necessaries, such as ladders, umbrellas, skates for the glaciers, ropes, brandy,
camp stools, etc., and started. Quite a sensation in the village. Landlord of hotel
with tears in his eyes asked me to pay my bill before I went. Didn't. Began the
ascent; ground became steepish, as may be seen by the illustration. Hard work.
Suppose such a gradient would puzzle Mr. Stephenson. Talking of Stephenson, the  /
whole party puffing and blowing like so many locomotives. Pulled out our camp-stools 
and tried to sit down on them. Ground so steep that we all lost our balance, and tumbled.. -.  1 down to the bottom of the slope. Never mind. Gathered ourselves up, and at it again.  Recovered our
former position, and getting higher, found the slope still  
\/ }~ ~ /1t  more excessive. In fact, it was a wonder to me how we  1? v ~   ~1///~ managed it at all. Approached the glacier region, and found it
rather softish. Unpleasant consequence of which is that the whole
of our party sink up to the neck in half-melted sludge.  Scrambling out again with much ado, 
we feel chilly, and refresh with
brandy. Being apprehensive of the
avalanches, we keep a sharp look-out
and dodge them.
At one time six  o
huge masses of
moving snow fell together, but we watch our chance and slip between them with  V
the greatest dexterity.
_______d —.  a- -  -Next danger
a really dreadful one. Arrive
at a fearful precipice, the edge
very    much
overhanging
the  base, so,<2 {@':.f']'that it formed
a species of
cave. Called a
council of war.
- -- ~~-      ~ Council of war were for going home
again. Rebuked them, and pointing to rough edges of the rock, pro\ N x-'.                          posed to try to crawl to summit.
Set to work accordingly. Dangerous business, but succeeded. On the top of this tremendous cliff, discovered
a vast chasm or crevice, which appeared to bar all 
further progress. Guides in despair. Much too wide
to jump. Looked down. Crevice did not appear to 1  I JT   ~
have any bottom  in particular.  Called another   J   I     V.
council of war, and at the same moment, a violent
squall of wind and snow sweeping by, put up my umbrella, when, horrible to relate, the storm caught it,
and lifted me into the air; the principal guide, who
caught my leg being carried up also, and in a moment we were
hurried, in the very thick of the squall, and deafened by its howling, across the abyss, and landed on the further bank. The
guides on the other side now flung across the rope, which we
caught, and fastened to a rock, and one of their number, unfortunately the heaviest, proceeded to come across. The remaining two, however, not having strength to support his weight, he
fairly pulled them into the crevice, so that we were obliged to
drag up the whole three.  Found that we were now not far
from the summit. Saw it before us rising in a sharp peak against the blue




HOW  I WENT UP THE JUNG-FRAU, AND CAME DOWN AGAIN.                        749
sky.  More of the steep
slope work.  Guides at last
become so dreadfully exhausted
that I have to drag up the whole
four. Terribly hard work. Nothing but my splendid muscular
development would have enabled
me to go through with it. Ice decidedly too rough for skating over,
as may be seen by the following
diagram.
Close to the summit, when another
dreadful crevice with a high rock on the
r opposite side threatens to stop our progress.  Surmounted the difficulty by a daring gymnastic feat, performed as follows:Standing on each other's shoulders, the lowest
I,        a s h gsehman let his body incline over the cliff, so that
I, as highest, reached the edge of
the opposite rock, and made fast
the rope to a projection, as in this
cut.
Thus we happily got over, and in half an hour reached the extreme peak of the Jung-Frau, where we clustered together and gave
three British cheers, while half a dozen eagles flew round and round
Us.
Had no time to make scientific
experiments; but ascertained that
the strength of alcohol is not diminished in any sensible degree
by the extreme rarification of the
air at great heights.
Having got up, prepared to go
down again, an operation which
was performed in a much quicker style than the other. Started down
a slippery slope, and missing our footing, and not being able to stop
ourselves, proceeded in this manner, down at least 2000 feet, before
we were brought up by a ridge of rocks, composed of uncommonly hard
granite, against which we rebounded like
footballs. Up, however, and at it again.    -
Came to another difficulty; found ourselves
exit but a narrow cleft, down which poured
a tremendous cataract, into an awful black
and foaming pool 500 feet below. There
was nothing for it but to fling ourselves
into the torrent, allow ourselves to go over the waterfall, and take our
chance in the cauldron-which we did, in the manner shown below. The
exploit was quite dreadful, from the roar of the water, and the speed with
m\~=~  ~ which we were hurled through the air, and soused at least 100 fathoms (for
I counted them) into the pool below, where, after we had reached the surface, we were whirled about for at least an hour and a quarter before we
managed to emerge. Found the experience I had picked up in the Holborn
swimming baths of little avail in descending this cataract, but was only too
happy to escape at any price. The rest of the journey was comparatively
easy, owing to a very happy thought of mine. Happening to see a roundishshaped avalanche roll past, remembered the globe tricks in the circus, where
Signor Sadustini kept his balance on a big wooden ball going down an in



Too                            THE LAMPLIGHTER'S STORY.
_ dined plane. Communicated
the notion to guides, waited
for the next avalanche, jumped on it as it passed, and
went down like winkin, al-  /   A
ways keepig our places upon  / 
the top of the ball, which
gradually increased to such    a
a size, that it carried off
several chalets beneath us.                               3,
But that, of course, we had'
nothing to do with; keeping                              ___
tini himself, until the huge
snow-ball came to a full stop
in the midst of a pine forest,
where we clambered out of 
the snow, and after several
hours' hard walking, reached the village, where we were greeted by a
deputation of the authorities, headed by the hotel-keeper holding my bill
in his hand, who delivered an address of congratulation, and inquired
when it would be convenient for me to settle. Postponing, however.
considerations of business to those of festivity, a romantic rural fete was got up in honor of our return,
The happy peasantry poured in from all sides, singing, "Come arouse us, arouse us, we merry Swiss
boys."  The notary had a table in the corner, which is always usual. The Seigneur du Village and his
lady sat on a rustic throne. All the peasants had jerkins and breeches, and bright stockings, with lots
of ribands, and all the peasantesses had short muslin petticoats and pink satin shoes. Choosing then,
as a partner, the loveliest and the most virtuous-I was particular about the last-I opened the ball.
THE LAMPLIGHTER'S STORY.
BY CHARLES DICKENS.
"Ir you talk of Murphy and Francis Moore,   The lamplighter who did the company this honor,
gentlemen," said the lamplighter who was in the  was seated in the chimney corner of a certain tavchair, "I mean to say that neither of'em ever had  ern, which has been, time out of mind, the Lampany more to do with the stars than Tom Grig had."  lighter's House of Call. He sat in the midst of a
"And what had he to do with'em?" asked the  circle of lamplighters, and was the cacique or chief
lamplighter who officiated as vice.             of the tribe.
"Nothing at all," replied the other; "just exact-   If any of our readers have had the good fortune
ly nothing at all."                            to behold a lamplighter's funeral, they will not be
"Do you mean to say you don't believe in Mur- surprised to learn that lamplighters are a strange
phy, then?" demanded the lamplighter who had  and primitive people; that they rigidly adhere to
opened the discussion.                          old ceremonies and customs which have been hand" I mean to say that I believe in Tom Grig," re- ed down among them from father to son since the
plied the chairman. "Whether I believe in Mur- first public lamp was lighted out of doors; that
phy or not, is a matter between me and my con- they intermarry, and betroth their children in
science; and whether Murphy believes in himself infancy; that they enter into no plots or conspiraor not, is a matter between him and his conscience. cies (for who ever heard of a traitorous lampGentlemen, I drink your healths."              lighter?); that they commit no crimes against the




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Li 7
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THE LAMPLIGHTER'S STORY.                                 751
laws of their country (there being no instance of a from the circumstance of his uncle by the mother's
murderous or burglarious lamplighter); that they  side, having been my particular friend. His (that's
are, in short, notwithstanding their apparently  Tom's uncle's) fate was a melancholy one. Gas was
volatile and restless character, a highly moral and the death of him. When it was first talked of, he
reflective people: having among themselves as laughed. He wasn't angry; he laughed at the cremany traditional observances as the Jews, and  dulity of human nature.'They might as well
being, as a body, if not as old as the hills, at least talk', he says,' of laying on an everlasting succesas old as the streets. It is an article of their creed  sion of glow-worms;' and then he laughed again,
that the first faint glimmering of true civilization  partly at his joke, and partly at poor humanity.
shone in the first street light maintained at the    "In course of time, however, the thing got
public expense. They trace their existence and ground, the experiment was made, and they lighted
high position in the public esteem, in a direct line up Pall Mall. Tom's uncle went to see it. I've
to the heathen' mythology; and hold that the his- heard that he fell off his ladder fourteen times that
tory of Prometheus himself is but a pleasant fable, night from weakness, and that he would certainly
whereof the true hero is a lamplighter,        have gone on falling till he killed himself, if his
" Gentlemen," said the lamplighter in the chair, last tumble hadn't been into a wheel-barrow which
"I drink your healths."                        was going his way, and humanely took him home.
" And perhaps, sir," said the vice, holding up his'I foresee in this,' says Tom's uncle faintly, and
glass, and rising a little way off his seat and sitting  taking to his bed as he spoke-' I foresee in this,'
down again, in token that he recognized and re- he says,'the breaking up of our profession.
turned the compliment, "perhaps you will add to  There's no more going the rounds to trim by daythat condescension by telling us who Tom Grig was, light, no more dribbling down of the oil on the hats
and how he came to be connected in your mind  and bonnets of ladies and gentlemen when one
with Francis Moore, Physician."               feels in spirits. Any low fellow can light a gas"Hear, hear, hear!" cried the lamplighters lamp. And it's all up.' In this state of mind, he
generally.                                     petitioned the government for-I want a word
"Tom  Grig, gentlemen," said the chairman, again, gentlemen-what do you call that which
" was one of us; and it happened to him as it don't they give to people when it's found out, at last,
often happen to a public character in our line, that that they've never been of any use, and have been
he had his what-you-may-call-it cast."         paid too much for doing nothing?"
"His head?" said the vice.                     "Compensation?" suggested the vice.
"No," replied the chairman, " not his head."   " That's it;" said the chairman. "Compensation.
"His face, perhaps?" said the vice. "No, not They didn't give it him though, and then he got
his face."  "His legs?"  "No, not his legs." Nor very fond of his country all at once, and went
yet his arms, nor his hands, nor his feet, nor his about saying that gas was a death-blow to his nachest, all of which were severally suggested.  tive land, and that it was a plot of the radicals to
"His nativity, perhaps?"                   ruin the country and destroy the oil and cotton
"That's it," said the chairman, awakening from  trade for ever, and that the whales would go and
his thoughtful attitude at the suggestion. "His kill themselves privately, out of sheer spite and
nativity. That's what Tom had cast, gentlemen."  vexation at not being caught. At last, he got right'In plaster?" asked the vice.               down cracked; called his tobacco-pipe a gas-pipe;
" I don't rightly know how it's done," returned  thought his tears were lamp-oil; and went on with
the chairman, "but I suppose it was."          all manner of nonsense of that sort, till one night
And there he stopped, as if that were all he had he hung himself on a lamp-iron in Saint Martin's
to say; whereupon there arose a murmur anmpng  Lane, and there was an end of him.
the company, which at length resolved itself into a    "Tom loved him, gentlemen, but he survived it.
request, conveyed through the vice, that he would  He shed a tear over his grave, got very drunk,
go on. This being exactly what the chairman  spoke a funeral oration that night in the watchwanted, he mused for a little time, performed that house, and was fined five shillings for it, in the
agreeable ceremony which is popularly termed  morning. Some men are none the worse for this
wetting one's whistle, and went on thus:      sort of thing. Tom was one of'em. He went that
" Tom Grig, gentlemen, was, as I have said, one very afternoon on a new beat: as clear in his head,
of us; and I may go further, and say he was an and as free from fever as Father Mathew himself.
ornament to us, and such a one as only the good    "Tom's new beat, gentlemen, was-I can't exactold times of oil and cotton could have produced. ly say where, for that he'd never tell; but I know
Tom's family, gentlemen, were all lamplighters."   it was in a quiet part of town, where there was
"Not the ladies, I hope?" asked the vice.  some queer old houses.  I have always had it in
"They had talent enough for it, sir," rejoined  my head that it must have been somewhere near
the chairman, " and would have been, but for the  Canonbury Tower in Islington, but that's a matter
prejudices of society. Let women have their rights, of opinion. Whereever it was, he went upon it,
sir, and the females of Tom's family would have with a bran new ladder, a white hat, a brown holbeen every one of'em in office. But that emanci- land jacket and trowsers, a blue neck-kerchief, and
pation hasn't come yet, and hadn't then, and con- a sprig of full-blown double wall-flower in his butsequently they confined themselves to the bosoms ton-hole. Tom was always genteel in his appearof their families, cooked the dinners, mended the ance, and I have heard from the best judges, that
clothes, minded the children, comforted their hus- if he had left his ladder at home that afternoon,
bands, and attended to the housekeeping generally. you might have took him for a lord.
It's a hard thing upon the women, gentlemen, that   " He was always merry, was Tom, and such a
they are limited to such a sphere of action as this; singer, that if there was any encouragement for
very hard.                                     native talent, he'd have been at the opera. He
"I happen to know all about Tom, gentlemen, was on his ladder, lighting his first lamp, and sing



752                           THE LAMPLIGHTER S STORY,
ing to himself in a manner more easily to be con-   "'Sir,' says Tom,' I have not that honor; but I
ceived than described, when he hears the clock shall be happy to drink your health, notwithstandstrike five, and suddenly sees an old gentleman with ing.'
a telescope in his hand, throw up a window and    "' I read,' cries the old gentleman, without taklook at him very hard.                        ing any notice of this politeness on Tom's part" Tom didn't know what could be passing in this'I read what's going to happen, in the stars.'
old gentleman's mind. He thought it likely enough    "Tom  thanked him  for the information, and
that he might be saying within himself,' Here's a begged to know if any thing particular was going
new lamplighter-a good-looking young fellow-  to happen in the stars, in the course of a week or
shall I stand something to drink?' Thinking this so; but the old gentleman, correcting him, explainpossible, he keeps quite still, pretending to be very  ed that he read in the stars what was going to happarticular about the wick, and looks at the old gen- pen on dry land, and that he was acquainted with
tleman sideways, seeming to take no notice of all the celestial bodies.
him.                                            "' I hope they're all well, sir,' says Tom,-' every
"Gentlemen, he was one of the strangest and body.'
most mysterious-looking files that ever Tom clapped    "' Hush!' cries the old gentleman.'I have
his eyes on. He was dressed all slovenly and un- consulted the book of Fate with rare and wondertidy, in a great gown of a kind of bed-furniture ful success. I am versed in the great sciences of
pattern, with a cap of the same on his head; and a astrology and astronomy. In my house here, I
long old flapped waistcoat; with no braces, no have every description of apparatus for observing
strings, very few buttons-in short, with hardly  the course and motion of the planets. Six months
any of those artificial contrivances that hold society  ago, I derived from this source, the knowledge that
together. Tom knew by these signs, and by his precisely as the clock struck five this afternoon, a
not being shaved, and by his not being over-clean, stranger would present himself-the destined husand by a sort of wisdom not quite awake, in his band of my young and lovely niece-in reality of
face, that he was a scientific old gentleman. He illustrious and high descent, but whose birth would
often told me that if he could have conceived the be enveloped in uncertainty and mystery. Don't
possibility of the whole Royal Society being boiled tell me yours isn't,' says the old gentleman, who
down into one man, he should have said the old was in such a hurry to speak that he couldn't get
gentleman's body was that Body.               the words out fast enough,' for I know better.'
" The old gentleman claps the telescope to his   " Gentlemen, Tom was so astonished when he
eye, looks all round, sees nobody else in sight, heard him say this, that he could hardly keep his
stares at Tom again, and cries out very loud:  footing on the ladder, and found it necessary to
"'Hal-loa!'                                 hold on by the lamp-post. There was a mystery
about his birth. His mother had always admitted
it. Tom had never known who was his father, and
___~_~__ _  -    l        some people had gone so far as to say that even she
was in doubt.
"While he was in this state of amazement, the
old gentleman leaves the window, bursts out of the
house-door, shakes the ladder, and Tom, like a ripe
ll t;l'l l pumpkin, comes sliding down into his arms.
1 dll // ii                               i "'Let me embrace you,' he says, folding his
arms about him, and nearly lighting up his old bedfurrnture gown at Tom's link.'You're a man of
noble aspect. Every thing combines to prove the
~~@@|=010  ~ 2; J     accuracy of my observations. You have had mys— o'/  terious promptings within you,' he says;'I know
you have had whisperings of greatness, eh?' he
-              ~no;'Let me embrace you,' he saysfoldinghisays.
"'I think I have,' says Tom-Tom was one of
those who can persuade themselves to any thing
they like —'I have often thought I wasn't the
small beer I was taken for.'
"'You were right,' cries the old gentleman,
hugging him again.' Come in. My niece awaits
US.'
"' Is the young lady tolerable good-looking, sir?'
says Tom, hanging fire rather, as he thought of her
playing the piano, and knowing French, and being
up to all manner of accomplishments.
"'She's beautiful!' cries the old gentleman, who
was in such a terrible bustle that he was all in a
perspiration. *' She has a graceful carriage, an ex"'Holloa, sir,' says Tom from the ladder;'and  quisite shape, a sweet voice, a countenance beamholloa again, if you come to that.'           ing with animation and expression; and the eye,'
"' Here's an extraordinary fulfilment,' says the he says, rubbing his hands,' of a startled fawn.'
old gentleman,'of a prediction of the planets.'  "Tom  supposed this might mean, what was
"' Is there?' says Tom,' I'm very glad to hear it.' called among his circle of acquaintance,' a game
"'Young man,' says the old gentleman,'you  eye;' and, with a view to this defect, inquired
don't know me.'                               whether the young lady had any cash.




THE LAMPLIGHTER S STORY.                                753
"'She has five thousand pounds,' cries the old  and looked very fierce at Tom, and Tom looked
gentleman.'But what of that? what of that?  A  fierce at him-for to tell the truth, gentlemen,
word in your ear. I'm in search of the philoso- Tom more than half suspected that when they enpher's stone. I have very nearly -found it-not tered the room he was kissing one of the young
quite. It turns every thing to gold; that's its prop- ladies; and for any thing Tom knew, you observe, it
erty.'                                        might be his young lady-which was not pleasant.
"Tom naturally thought it must have a deal of    "'Sir,' says Tom,'before we proceed any further,
property; and said that when the old gentleman  will you have the goodness to inform me who this
did get it, he hoped he'd be careful to keep it in young Salamander'-Tom called him that for aggrathe family.                                   vation, you perceive, gentlemen-' who this young
"'Certainly,' he says,'of course. Five thousand  Salamander may be?'
pounds! What's five thousand pounds to us?   "'That, Mr. Grig,' says the old gentleman,'is
What's five millions?' he says.'What's five thou- my little boy. He was christened Galileo Isaac
sand millions?  Money will be nothing to us. We Newton Flamstead.  Don't mind him.  He is a
shall never be able to spend it fast enough.'  mere child.'
"' We'll try what we can do, sir,' says Tom.  "'A very fine child, too,' says Tom-still aggra"'We will,' says the old gentleman.' Your vating, you'll observe-' of his age, and as good as
name?'                                       fine, I have no doubt. How do you do, my mau?'
"' Grig,' says Tom.                         with which kind and patronizing expressions, Tom
"The old gentleman embraced him again, very  reached up to pat him on the head, and quoted two
tight; and without speaking another word, dragged lines about little boys, from Doctor Watts' Hymns,
him into the house in such an excited manner, that which he had learned at a Sunday School.
it was as much as Tomn could do to take his link    "It was very easy to see, gentlemen, by this
and ladder with him, and put them down in the youngster's frowning, and by the waiting-maid's
passage.                                      tossing her head and turning up her nose, and by
"Gentlemen, if Tom hadn't been always remark- the young ladies turning their backs and talking toable for his love of truth, I think you would still gether at the other end of the room, that nobody
have believed him when he said that all this was but the old gentleman took very kindly to the
like a dream. There is no better way for a man to  noble stranger. Indeed, Tom  plainly heard the
find out whether he really is asleep or awake, than waiting-woman say of her master, that so far from
calling for something to eat. If he's in a dream, being able to read the stars as he pretended, she
gentlemen, he'll find something wanting in the  didn't believe he knew his letters in'em, or at best
flavor, depend upon it.                       that he had got further than words in one syllable;
" Tom explained his doubts to the old gentleman, but Tom, not minding this (for he was in spirits
and said if there was any cold meat in the house, it after the Madeira), looks with an agreeable air towould ease his mind very much to test himself at wards the young ladies, and kissing his hand to
once. The old gentleman ordered up a venison both, says to the old gentleman,'Which is which?'
pie, a small ham, and a bottle of very old Madeira.   "' This,' says the old gentleman, leading out the
At the first mouthful of pie, and the first glass of handsomest, if one of'em could possibly be said to
wine, Tom smacks his lips and cries out,'I'm  be handsomer than the other-' this is my niece,
awake-wide awake;' and to prove that he was so, Miss Fanny Barker.'
gentlemen, he made an end of'em both.          "' If you'll permit me, Miss,' says Tom,' being a
"When Tom had finished his meal (which he noble stranger and a favorite of the planets, I will
never spoke of afterwards without tears in his eyes), conduct myself as such.' With these words, he
the old gentleman hugs him again, and says,' No- kisses the young lady in a very affable way, turns
ble stranger! let us visit my young and lovely to the old gentleman, slaps him on the back, and
niece.' Tom, who was a little elevated with the says,' When's it to come off, my buck?"
wine, replies,' The noble stranger is agreeable!'   "The young lady colored so deep, and her lip
At which words the old gentleman took him by the trembled so much, gentlemen, that Tom really
hand, and led him to the parlor; crying as he open- thought she was going to cry. But she kept her
ed the door,' Here is Mr. Grig, the favorite of the feelings down, and turning to the old gentleman,
planets!'                                    says,' Dear uncle, though you have the absolute
"I will not attempt a description of female disposal of my hand and fortune, and though you
beauty, gentlemen, for every one of us has a model mean well in disposing of'em thus, I ask you
of his own that suits his own taste best. In this whether you don't think this is a mistake? Don't
parlor that I'm speaking of, there were two young you think, dear uncle,' she says,' that the stars
ladies; and if every gentleman present will imagine must be in error? Is it not possible that the comet
two models of his own in their places, and will be may have put'em out?'
kind enough to polish'em up to the very highest   "' The stars,' says the old gentleman,' couldn't
pitch of perfection, he will then have a faint con- make a mistake if they tried. Emma,' he says to
ception of their uncommon radiance.          the other young lady.
"Besides these two young ladies, there was their   "' Yes, papa,' says she.
waiting-woman, that under any other circumstances   "'The same day that makes your cousin Mrs.
Tom would have looked upon as a Venus; and be- Grig, will unite you to the gifted Mooney. No resides her, there was a tall, thin, dismal-faced young monstrance-no tears. Now, Mr. Grig, let me
gentleman, half man and half boy, dressed in a conduct you to that hallowed ground, that philochildish suit of clothes very much too short in the sophical retreat, where my friend and partner, the
legs and arms; and looking, according to Tom's gifted Mooney of whom I have just now spoken, is
comparison, like one of the wax juveniles from a even now pursuing those discoveries which shall
tailor's door, grown up and run to seed. Now, enrich us with the precious metal, and make us masthis youngster stamped his foot upon the ground, ters of the world. Come, Mr. Grig,' he says.




7554                           THE LAMPLIGHTER S STORY.
"'With all my heart, sir,' replies Tom;'and the philosopher's stone down to the proper consistluck to the gifted Mooney, say I-not so much on  ency, and wondered whether it was nearly done.
his account as for our worthy selves!' With this'When it is,' thinks Tom.,'I'll send out for sixsentiment, Tom kissed his hand to the ladies again, penn'orth of sprats, and turn'em into gold fish
and followed him out; having the gratification to  for a first experiment.' Besides which, he made
perceive, as he looked back, that they were all up his mind, gentlemen, to have a country-house
hanging on by the arms and legs of Galileo Isaac and a park; and to plant a bit of it with a double
Newton Flamstead, to prevent him from following  row of gas-lamps a mile long, and go out every
the noble stranger, and tearing him to pieces.  night with a French-polished mahogany ladder, and
"' Gentlemen, Tom's father-in-law that was to  two servants in livery behind him, to light'em for
be, took him by the hand, and having lighted a his own pleasure.
little lamp, led him across a paved court-yard at   "At length and at last, the old gentleman's legs
the back of the house, into a very large, dark, appeared upon the steps leading through the roof,
gloomy room: filled with all manner of bottles, and he came slowly down: bringing along with
globes, books, telescopes, crocodiles, alligators, and  him the gifted Mooney. This Mooney, gentlemen,
other scientific instruments of every kind. In the  was even more scientific in appearance than his
centre of this room was a stove or furnace, with friend; and had, as Tom often declared upon his
what Tom called a pot, but which in my opinion  word and honor, the dirtiest face we can possibly
was a crucible, in full boil. In one corner was a know of, in this imperfect state of existence.
sort of ladder leading through the roof; and up    "Gentlemen, you are all aware that if a scientific
this ladder the old gentleman pointed, as he said'in  man isn't absent in his mind, he's of no good at all.
a whisper:                                     Mr. Mooney was so absent, that when the old gen"'The observatory. Mr. Mooney is even now  tleman said to him,'shake hands with Mr. Grig,'
watching for the precise time at which we are to  he put out his leg.'Here's a mind, Mr. Grig!'
come into all the riches of the earth. It will be cries the old gentleman in a rapture.'Here's
necessary for he and I, alone in that silent place, philosophy! Here's rumination! Don't disturb
to cast your nativity before the hour arrives. Put him,' he says,' for this is amazing!'
the day and minute of your birth on this piece of    "Tom  had no wish to disturb him, having
paper, and leave the rest to me.'              nothing particular to say; but he was so uncom"' You don't mean to say,' says Tom, doing as monly amazing, that the old gentleman got impahe was told and giving him back the paper,'that tient, and determined to give him an electric shock
I'm to wait here long, do you? It's a precious dis- to bring him to-' for you must know, Mr. Grig,'
mal place.'                                    he says,' that we always keep a strongly charged
"' Hush!' says the old gentleman,'it's hallowed  battery, ready for that purpose.' These means
ground. Farewell!'                            being resorted to, gentlemen, the gifted Mooney
"'Stop a minute,' says Tom,'what a hurry  revived with a loud roar, and he no sooner came
you're in. What's in that large bottle yonder?'   to himself, than both he and the old gentleman
"'It's a child with three heads,' says the old looked at Tom with compassion, and shed tears
gentleman;'and every thing else in proportion.   abundantly. l
"' Why don't you throw him away?' says Tom.   "' My dear friend,' says the old gentleman to the'What do you keep such unpleasant things here Gifted,'prepare him.'
for?'                                           "' I say,' cries Tom, falling back,'none of that,
"'Throw him away!' cries the old gentleman. you know. No preparing by Mr. Mooney, if you'We use him  constantly in astrology.  He's a please.'
charm.'                                          "' Alas!' replies the old gentleman,'you don't
"'I shouldn't have thought it,' says Tom,'from  understand us. My friend, inform himn of his fate.
his appearance. Must you go, I say?'          -I can't.'
"The old gentleman makes him no answer, but   "The Gifted mustered up his voice, after many
climbs up the ladder in a greater bustle than ever. efforts, and informed Tom that his nativity had
Tom looked after his legs till there was nothing of been carefully cast, and he would expire at exactly
him left, and then sat down to wait; feeling (so he  thirty-five minutes, twenty-seven seconds, and fiveused to say) as comfortable as if he was going to  sixths of a second, past nine o'clock, A. M., on that
be made a freemason, and they were heating the  day two months.
pokers.                                          "Gentlemen, I leave you to judge what were
" Tom waited so long, gentlemen, that he began  Tom's feelings at this announcement, on the eve of
to think it must be getting on for midnight at least, matrimony and endless riches.' I think,' he says
snd felt more dismal and lonely than ever he had in a trembling way,' there must be a mistake in
done in all his life. He tried every means of whil- the working of that sum. Will you do me the faing away the time, but it never had seemed to  vor to cast it up again?'-' There is no mistake,' remove so slow. First he took a nearer view of the  plies the old gentleman,'it is confirmed by Francis
child with three heads, and thought what a comfort Moore, Physician. Here is the prediction for toit must have been to its parents.  Then he looked  morrow two months.' And he showed him the
up a long telescope which was pointed out of the  page, where sure enough were these words-' The
window, but sa:w nothing particular, in consequence  decease of a great person may be looked for, about
of the stopper being on at the other end. Then he this time.'
came to a skeleton in a glass case, labelled,'Skele-   "'Which,' says the old gentleman,'is clearly
ton of a gentleman-Prepared by Mr. Mooney,'-  you, Mr. Grig.'
which made him hope that Mr. Mooney might not   "' Too clearly,' cries Tom, sinking into a chair,
be in the habit of preparing gentlemen that way  and giving one hand to the old gentleman, and
without their own consent. A hundred times, at one to the Gifted.'The orb of day has set on
least, he looked into the pot where they were boiling  Thomas Grig for ever!'




THE LAMPLIGHTER S STORY.                                   755
"At this affecting remark, the Gifted shed tears seems had been listening).'That's right! Don't
again, and the other two mingled their tears with  hear her. Emma shall marry you to-morrow, my
his, in a kind-if I may use the expression-of  friend, whether she likes it or not, and she shall
Mooney and Co.'s entire. But the old gentleman  marry Mr. Grig.'
recovering first, observed that this was only a rea-    "Gentlemen, these words were no sooner out of
son for hastening the marriage, in order that Tom's his mouth,.than Galileo Isaac Newton Flamstead
distinguished race might be transmitted to posterity; (who it seems had been listening too) darts in, and
and requesting the Gifted to console Mr. Grig during  spinning round and round, like a young giant's top,
his temporary absence, he withdrew to settle the  cries,' Let her. Let her.  I'm fierce; I'm furious.
preliminaries with. his niece immediately.      I give her leave. I'll never marry anybody after
" And now, gentlemen, a very extraordinary and  this-never. It isn't safe. She is the falsest of the
remarkable occurrence took place, for as Tom sat false,' he cries, tearing his hair and gnashing his
in a melancholy way in one chair, and the Gifted  teeth;' and I'll live and die a bachelor.'
sat in a melancholy way in another, a couple of    "' The little boy,' observed the Gifted gravely,
doors were thrown violently open, the two young' albeit of tender years, has spoken wisdom. I have
ladies rushed in, and one knelt down in a loving at- been led to the contemplation of woman-kind, and
titude at Tom's feet, and the other at the Gifted's. will not adventure on the troubled waters of matriSo far, perhaps, as Tom was concerned-as he used  mony.'
to say-you will say there was nothing strange in   I"'  What!' says the old gentleman,' not marry my
this; but you will be of a different opinion when  daughter!  Won't you, Mooney?  Not if I make
you understand that Tom's young lady was kneeling  her? Won't you? Won't you?'
to the Gifted, and the Gifted's young lady was    "'No,' says Mooney,'I won't. And if anybody
kneeling to Tom.                                asks me anv more, I'll run away, and never come
"' Halloa! stop a minute!' cries Tom;' here's back again.'
a mistake. I need condoling with by sympathizing    "' Mr. Grig,' says the old gentleman,'the stars
woman, under my afflicting circumstances; but must be obeyed. You have not changed your
we're out in the figure. Change partners, Mooney.' mind because of a little girlish folly — eh, Mr.
"' Monster!' cries Tom's young lady, clinging to  Grig?'
the Gifted.                                        "Tom, gentlemen, had had his eyes about him,
"' Miss!' says Tom.' Is that your manners?'   and was pretty sure that all this was a device and
"' I abjure thee!' cries Tom's young lady.'I trick of the waiting-maid, to put him off his inclirenounce thee. I never will be thine.  Thou,' she  nation. He had seen her hiding and skipping about
says to the Gifted,' art the object of my first and  the two doors, and had observed that a very little
all-engrossing passion.  Wrapt in thy sublime  whispering from her pacified the Salamander directvisions, thou hast not perceived my love; but, ly.'So,' thinks Tom,' this is a plot-but it won't
driven to despair, I now shake off the woman, and  fit.'
avow it. Oh, cruel, cruel man!' With which re-   "'Eh, Mr. Grig?' says the old gentleman.
proach, she laid her head upon the Gifted's breast,   "'Why, sir,' says Tom, pointing to the crucible,
and put her arms about him in the tenderest man-'if the soup's nearly ready —'
ner possible, gentlemen.                           "' Another hour beholds the consummation of
"' And I,' says the other yqung lady, in a sort of our labors,' returned the old gentleman.
ecstasy that made Tom start,-' I hereby abjure    "' Very good,' says Tom, with a mournful air.
my chosen husband too. Hear me, Goblin!'-this' It's only for two months, but I may as well be the
was to the Gifted-' Hear me! I hold thee in the  richest man in the world even for that time. I'm
deepest detestation. The maddening interview of not particular.  I'll take her, sir. I'll take her.'
this one night has filled my soul with love-but not   " The old gentleman was in a rapture to find Tom
for thee. It is for thee, for thee, young man,' she  still in the same mind, and drawing the young lady
cries to Tom.'As Monk Lewis finely observes, towards him by little and little, was joining their
Thomas, Thomas, I am thine; Thomas, Thomas, hands by main force, when all of a sudden, gentlethou art mine: thine for ever, mine for ever!' men, the crucible blows up with a great crash;
With which words, she became very tender like- everybody screams; the room is filled with smoke;
wise.                                           and Tom, not knowing what may happen next,
"Tom  and the Gifted, gentlemen, as you may  throws himself into a fancy attitude, and says,
believe, looked at each other in a very awkward'Come on, if you are a man!' without addressing
manner, and with thoughts not at all compliment- himself to anybody in particular.
ary to the two young ladies.  As to the Gifted,   "'The labors of fifteen years!' says the old genI have heard Tom say often, that he was certain he  man, clasping his hands and looking down upon
was in a fit, and had it inwardly.              the Gifted, who was saving the pieces,'are destroy"'Speak to me! oh, speak to me!' cries Tom's ed in an instant!'-And I am told, gentlemen, byyoung lady to the Gifted.                       the-bye, that this same philosopher's stone would
"'I don't want to speak to anybody,' he says, have been discovered a hundred times at least, to
finding his voice at last, and trying to push her speak within bounds, if it wasn't for the one unforaway.'I think I had better go. I'm-I'm fright- tunate circumstance that the apparatus always
ened,' he says, looking about as if he had lost some- blows up, when it's on the very point of succeeding.
thing.'" Tom turns pale when he hears the old gentle"' Not one look of love!' she cries.   Hear me, man expressing himself to this unpleasant effect,
while I declare'                              and stammers out that if it's quite agreeable to all
"I'I don't know how to look a look of love,' he  parties, he would like to know exactly what has
says, all in a maze.' Don't declare any thing. I happened, and what change has really taken place
don't want to hear anybody.'                    in the prospects of that company.
"' That's right!' cries the old gentleman (who it   "' We have failed for the present, Mr. Grig,' says




756                             THE LAMPLIGHTER'S STORY.
~ 0
the old gentleman, wiping his forehead,'and I re- taken any notice of the son that revolves round
gret it the more, because I have in fact invested  him; and that he hasn't had a new suit of clothes
my niece's five thousand pounds in this glorious since he was fourteen; and that he wasn't even
speculation. But don't be cast down,' he says, taken out of nankeen frocks and trowsers till he
anxiously-' in another fifteen years, Mr. Grig-'   was unpleasant in'em; and touches on a good
"Oh!' cries Tom, letting the young lady's hand  many more family matters to the same purpose.
fall.'Were the stars very positive about this To make short of a long story, gentlemen, they all
union, sir?'                                    talk together, and cry together, and remind the
"'They were,' says the old gentleman.         old gentleman that as to the noble family, his own
"'I am sorry to hear it,' Tom makes answer, grandfather would have been a lord mayor if he'for it's no go, sir.                           hadn't died at a dinner the year before; and they
"'No what?' cries the old gentleman.         show him by all kinds of arguments that if the
"'Go, sir,' says Tom  fiercely.'I forbid the  cousins are married, the prediction comes true
banns.' And with these words-which are the  every way. At last, the old gentleman, being quite
very words he used-he sat himself down in a convinced, gives in; and joins their hands; and
chair, and, laying his head upon the table, thought leaves his daughter to marry anybody she likes;
with a secret grief of what was to come to pass on  and they are all well pleased; and the Gifted as
that day two months.                            well as any of them.
" Tom always said, gentlemen, that that waiting-    " In the middle of this little family party, gentlemaid was the artfullest minx he had ever seen; men, sits Tom all the while, as miserable as you
and he left it in writing in this country when he like. But, when every thing else is arranged, the
went to colonize abroad, that he was certain in his old gentleman's daughter says, that their strange
own mind she and the\Salamander had blown up  conduct was a little device of the waiting-maid's to
the philosopher's stone on purpose, and to cut hjm  disgust the lovers he had chosen for'em, and will
out of his property. I believe Tom was in the  he forgive her? and if he will, perhaps he might
right, gentlemen; but whether or no, she comes even find her a husband-and when she says that,
forward at this point, and says,'May I speak, sir?' she looks uncommon hard at Tom. Then the waitand the old gentleman answering'Yes, you may,' ing maid says that, oh dear! she couldn't abear
she goes on to say that'the stars are no doubt Mr. Grig should think she wanted him to marry
quite right in every respect, but Tom is not the  her; and that she had even gone so far as to reman.' And she says,'Don't you remember, sir, fuse the last lamplighter, who was now a literary
that when the clock struck five this afternoon, you  character (having set up as a bill-sticker;) and that
gave Master Galileo a rap on the head with your she hoped Mr. Grig would not suppose she was on
telescope, and told him to get out of the way?' her last legs by any means, for the baker was very'Yes I do,' says the old gentleman.' Then,' says strong in his attentions at that moment, and as to
the waiting-maid,'I say he's the man, and the pro- the butcher, he was frantic. And I don't know
phecy is fulfilled.' The old gentleman staggers at how much more she might have said, gentlemen
this, as if somebody had hit him a blow on the  (for, as you know, this kind of young women are
chest, and cries,' He! why, he's a boy!' Upon  rare ones to talk), if the old gentleman hadn't cut
that, gentlemen, the Salamander cries out that he'll in suddenly, and asked Tom if he'd have her, with
be twenty-one next Lady-day; and complains that ten pounds to recompense him for his loss of time
his father has always been so busy with the sun  and disappointment, and as a kind of bribe to keep
round which the earth revolves, that he has never the story secret.




THE CAB-DRIVER AND THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.                            757
"'It don't much matter, sir,' says Tom,'I ain't spilt on the floor, and drew a small triangle on
long for this world. Eight weeks of marriage, Tom's forehead. The room swam before his eyes,
especially with this young woman, might reconcile and he found himself in the watch-house."
me to my fate. I think,' he says,' I could go off
easy, after that.' With which, he embraces her   "Found himself where?" cried the vice, on behalf
with a very dismal face, and groans in a way that of the company generally.
might move a heart of stone-even of philosopher's   "In the watch-house," said the chairman. " It
stone.                                        was late at night, and he found himself in the very
"Egad,' says the old gentleman,'that reminds watch-house from which he had been let out that
me-this bustle put it out of my head-there was morning."
a figure wrong. He'll live to a green old age-    "Did he go home?" asked the vice.
eighty-seven at least!'                        "The watch-house people rather objected to
"' How much, sir?' cries Tom.               that," said the chairman; "so he stopped there
"'Eighty-seven!' says the old gentleman.   that night, and went before the magistrate in the
"Without another words Tom flings himself on morning.'Why, you're here again, are you?' says
the old gentleman's neck; throws up his hat; cuts the magistrate, adding insult to injury;' we'll
a caper; defies the waiting-maid; and refers her trouble you for five shillings more, if you can conto the butcher.                               veniently spare the money.' Tom told him he had'' You won't marry her!' says the old gentleman, been enchanted, but it was of'no use. He told the
angrily.                                      contractors the same, but they wouldn't believe
"'And live after it!' says Tom.'I'd sooner -him. It was very hard upon him, gentlemen, as he
marry a mermaid, with a small-tooth comb and often said, for was it likely he'd go and invent such
looking-glass.'                               a tale? They shook their heads and told him he'd
"' Then take the consequences,' says the other. say anything but his prayers-as indeed he would;
"With those words-I beg your kind attention  there's no doubt about that. It was the only imhere, gentlemen, for it's worth your notice-the old putation on his moral character that ever I heard
gentleman wetted the forefinger of his right hand of."
in some of the liquor from the crucible that was
THE  CAB-DRIVER  AND  THE  MAN  ABOUT  TOWN.
FROM "THE PICKWICK CLUB." BY CHARLES DICKENS (BOZ).
"CAB!" said Mr. Pickwick.                    " He always falls down, when he's took out o' the
" Here you are, sir," shouted a strange specimen cab," contined the driver, " but when he's in it, we
of the human race, in a sackcloth coat, and apron bears him up werry tight, and takes him in werry
of the same, who with a brass label and number short, so as he can't werry well fall down, and we've
round his neck, looked as if he were catalogued in got a pair o' precious large wheels on; so ven he
some collection of rarities. This was the water- does move, they run after him, and he must go on
man. "Here you are, sir. Now, then, fust cab!" — he can't help it."
And the fust cab having being fetched from the   Mr. Pickwick entered every word of this statepublic house, where he had been smoking his first ment in his note-book, with the view of communipipe, Mr. Pickwick and his portmanteau were thrown cating it to the club, as a singular instance of the
into' the vehicle.                            tenacity of life in horses, under trying circumstan"Golden Cross," said Mr. Pickwick.          ces. The entry was scarcely completed when they
"Only a bob's vorth, Tommy,"-cried the driver, reached the Golden Cross. Down jumped the
sulkily, for the information of his friend the water- driver, and out got Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Tupman'
man, as the cab drove off.                    Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. Winkle, who had been
"How old is that horse, my friend?" inquired anxiously waiting the arrival of their illustrious
Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his nose with the shilling he leader, crowded to welcome him.
had reserved for the fare.                      "Here's your fare," said Mr. Pickwick, holding
" Forty-two," replied the driver, eyeing him  out the shilling to the driver.
askant.                                         What was the learned man's astonishment, when
"What!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, laying his that unaccountable person flung the money on the
hand upon his note-book. The driver reiterated pavement, and requested in figurative terms to be
his former statement. Mr. Pickwick looked very allowed the pleasure of fighting him (Mr. Pickwick)
hard at the man's face, but his features were im- for the amount!
movable, so he noted down the fact forthwith.   "You are mad," said Mr. Snodgrass.
" And how long do you keep him out at a time?"   "Or drunk," said Mr. Winkle.
inquired Mr. Pickwick, searching for further infor-   "Or both," said Mr. Tupman.
mation.                                         "Come on," said the cab-driver, sparring away
" Two or three veeks," replied the man.    like clock-work. " Come on-all four on you."
" Weeks!" said Mr. Pickwick in astonishment-    "Here's a lark!" shouted half a dozen hackney
and out came the note-book again.             coachmen. "Go to vork, Sam,"-and they crowd" He lives at Pentonwil when he's at home," ob- ed with great glee round the party.
served the driver coolly, " but we seldom takes him    "What's the row, Sam?" inquired one gentlehome on account of his veakness."             man in black calico sleeves.
"On acccount of his weakness;" reiterated the    "Row!" replied the cabman, "What did he
perplexed Mr. Pickwick.                       want my number for P"
49




758                 THE CAB-DRIVER AND THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.
"I didn't want your number," said the astonished    "You shall smart for this," gasped Mr. Pickwick.
Mr. Pickwick.                                   "Informers," shouted the crowd.
"What did you take it for, then?" inquired the    "Come on," cried the cabman, who had been
cabman.                                       sparring without cessation the whole time.
"I didn't take it," said Mr. Pickwick, indig-   The mob had hitherto been passive spectators of
nantly.                                      the scene, but as the. intelligence of the Pickwick"Would any body believe," continued the cab- ians being informers was spread among them, they
driver, appealing to the crowd,-" Would any body  began to canvass with considerable vivacity the
believe as an informer'ud go about in a man's cab, propriety of enforcing the heated pastry-vender's
not only takin' down his number, but ev'ry word proposition: and there is no saying what acts of
he says into the bargain," (a light flashed upon Mr. personal aggression they might have committed,
Pickwick-it was the note-book.)               had not the affray been unexpectedly terminated
" Did he, though?" inquired another cabman.    by the interposition of a new comer.
" Yes, did he," replied the first, " and then, arter   " What's the fun?" said a rather tall, thin young
aggerawatin' me to assault him, gets three witness- man, in a green coat, emerging suddenly from the
es here to prove it. But I'll give it him, if I've six coach yard.
months for it. Come on,"-and the cabman dash-   "Informers!" shouted the crowd.
ed his hat upon the ground, with a reckless disre-   "We are not," roared Mr. Pickwick, in a tone,
gard of his own private property, and knocked Mr. which, to any dispassionate listener, carried convicPickwick's spectacles off, and followed up the at- tion with it.
tack with a blow on Mr. Pickwick's nose, and an-   "Ain't you, though-ain't you?" said the young
other on Mr. Pickwick's chest, and a third in Mr. man, appealing to Mr. Pickwick, and making his
Snodgrass's eye, and a fourth, by way of variety, way through the crowd, by the infallible process of
in Mr. Tupman's waistcoat, and then danced into elbowing the countenances of its component memthe road, and then back again to the pavement, bers.
and finally dashed the whole temporary supply of   That learned man, in a few hurried words, exbreath out of Mr. Winkle's body; and all in half a plained the real state of the case.
dozen seconds.                                  "Come along, then," said he of the green coat,
"Where's an officer?" said Mr. Snodgrass.  lugging Mr. Pickwick after him by main force, and
"Put'em under the pump," suggested a hot pie- talking the whole way. "Here No. 924, take your
man.                                          fare, nad take yourself off-respectable gentleman,
-know him well-none of your
nonsense-this way, sir-where's
your friends? —all a mistake, I
see-never mind-accidents will
happen-best regulated families
- _______ _  -never say die — down upon
_____//______ A\your luck-pull him up-put that
in his pipe-like the flavorl —
-~~~ —-— /_~  E Xd- d  rascals."  And with a
__i~~~   -      ~~lengthened string of similar bro*~-I~,~!_____I;extraordinary  volubility,  the
~   i~~t'~~~~'1(~ Ostranger led the way to the tra_-  _  _vellers' waiting room, whither he' ___-~'   n-iH —    l   I'!                 was closely followed  by Mr.
Pickwick and his disciples..  "Here, waiter," shouted the
stranger, ringing the bell with'   tremendous violence, "glasses
L_ I      S =round-brandy and water, hot
and strong, and sweet, and plenty
==4    Em>_ -_= -eye damaged, sir?  Waiter;
raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye-nothing like raw beefsteak for a bruise, sir; cold lamppost very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-d-   d cold standing- in the open street half an
hour, with your eye against a
lamp-post-eh,-very good-ha!
ha!" And the stranger, without
stopping to take breath, swallowed at a draught full half a pint of
the reeking brandy and water,
and flung himself into a chair
with as much ease, as if nothing:.  -B~s~p  ~    uncommon had occurred.
While his three companions
______-_______ —~~~   "were busily engaged in proffer___~~  ___           ~ing their thanks to their new
acquaintance,   Mr.  Pickwick




THE CAB-DRIVER AND THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.                             759
had leisure to examine his costume and appear- crash-knock-children look round-mother's head
ance.                                          off —sandwich in her hand-no mouth to put it inHe was about the middle height, but the thinness head of a family off-shocking, shocking. Looking
of his body, and the length of his legs, gave him  at Whitehall, sir,-fine place-little window -somethe appearance of being much taller. The green body else's head off there, eh, sir?-he didn't keep a
coat had been a smart dress garment in the days of sharp look-out enough either-eh, sir, eh?"
swallow-tails, but had evidently in those times   "I was ruminating," said Mr. Pickwick, " on the
adorned a much shorter man than the stranger, for strange mutability of human affairs."
the soiled and faded sleeves scarcely reached to his   " Ah! I see —in at the palace door one day, out
wrists. It was buttoned closely up to his chin, at at the window the next. Philosopher, sir?"
the imminent hazard of splitting the back; and an    " An observer of human nature, sir," said Mr.
old stock, without a vestige of shirt collar, orna- Pickwick.
mented his neck. His scanty black trousers dis-   "Ah, so am I. Most people are when they've
played here and there those shiny patches which little to do and less to get. Poet, sir?"
bespeak long service, and were strapped very tight-   "My friend, Mr. Snodgrass has a strong poetic
ly over a pair of patched and mended shoes, as if turn," said Mr. Pickwick.
to conceal the dirty white stockings, which were    "So have I," said the stranger. " Epic poem,nevertheless distinctly visible. His long black hair ten thousand lines-revolution of July-composed
escaped in negligent waves from beneath each side of it on the spot-Mars by day-Apollo by night,his old pinched-up hat; and glimpses of his bare bang the field-piece, twang the lyre."
wrist might be observed, between the tops of his   "You were present at that glorious scene, sir?"
gloves and the cuffs of his coat sleeves. His face said Mr. Snodgrass.
was thin and haggard; but an indescribable air of   "Present! think I was; fired a musket, fired
jaunty impudence and perfect self-possession per- with an idea,-rushed into a wine shop-wrote it
vaded the whole man.                           down-back again-whiz, bang-another ideaSuch was the individual, on whom Mr. Pickwick  wine shop again-pen and ink-back again-cut
gazed through his spectacles (which he had fortu- and slash-noble time, sir. Sportsman, sir?" abnately recovered), and to whom he proceeded, ruptly turning to Mr. Winkle.
when his friends had exhausted themselves, to re-   "A little, sir," replied that gentleman.
turn, in chosen terms, his warmest thanks for his   "Fine pursuit, sir, —fine pursuit.-Dogs, sir?"
recent assistance.                               "Not just now," said Mr. Winkle.
" Never mind," said the stranger, cutting the ad-   "Ah! you should keep dogs-fine animalsdress very short, "said enough,-no more; smart sagacious creatures-dog of my own once-Pointer
chap that cabman-handled his fives well; but if — surprising instinct-out shooting one day-enterI'd been your friend in the green jemmy-damn  ing  inclosure-whistled-dog  stopped-whistled
me-punch his head,-'cod I would,-pig's whisper again-Ponto-no go: stock still-called him-pieman too,-no gammon."                       Ponto, Ponto-wouldn't move-dog transfixedThis coherent speech was interrupted by the
entrance of the Rochester coachman, to announce
that " The Commodore" was on the point of starting.
"Commodore!" said the stranger, starting up,
" my coach,-place booked,-one outside-leave
you to pay for the brandy and water,-want change
for a five,-bad  silver-Brummagem  buttons —
won't do-no go-eh?" and he shook his head most
knowingly
Now it so happened that Mr. Pickwick and his                                Jr1'
three companions had resolved to make Rochester
their first halting place too; and having intimated
to their new-found acquaintance that they were                         9     R
journeying to the same city, they agreed to occupy                          DOGS
the seat at the back of the coach, where they could |                       FODS1        S
all sit together.                                i                                        i;
"Up with you," said the stranger, assisting Mr.
Pickwick on to the roof with so much precipitation,
as to impair the gravity of that gentleman's deportment very materially.
"Any luggage, sir?" inquired the coachman.
"Who —I? Brown paper parcel here, that's all
-other luggage gone by water,-packing-cases, I                        I
nailed up-big as houses-heavy, heavy, d -d
heavy," replied the stranger, as he forced into
his pocket as much as he could of the brown  
paper parcel, which presented most suspicious in-  -
dications of containing one shirt and a handkerchief.
" Heads, heads, take care of your heads," cried
the loquacious stranger, as they came out under
the low archway, which in those days formed the staring at a board-looked up, saw an inscription
entrance to the coach yard. " Terrible place-  -'Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs found
dangerous work-other day-five children-mother in this inclosure'-wouldn't pass it-wonderful dog
-tall lady, eating sandwiches-forgot the arch-  -valuable dog that-very."




760                        SAM  WELLER'S VALENTINE.
"Singular circumstance, that," said Mr. Pickwick.   In this strain, with an occasional glass of ale, by
" Will you allow me to make a note of it*?"   way of parenthesis, when the coach changed horses,
"Certainly, sir, certainly-hundred more anec- did the stranger proceed, until they reached Rodotes of the same! animal.-Fine girl, sir" (to Mr. chester bridge, by which time the note-books, both
Tracy Tulman, who had been bestowing sundry  of Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Snodgrass, were completeanti-Pickwickian glances on a young lady by the  ly filled with selections from his adventures.
road side).                                       "Magnificent ruin " said Mr. Augustus Snod" Very!" said Mr. Tupman.                   grass, with all the poetic fervor that distinguished
"English girls not so fine as Spanish-noble  him, when they came in sight of the fine old castle.
creatures-jet hair-black eyes-lovely forms-    "What a study for an antiquarian," were the
sweet creatures-beautiful."                    very words which fell from Mr. Pickwick's mouth,
"You have been in Spain, sir?" said Mr. Tracy  as he applied his telescope to his eye.
Tupman.                                           "Ah! fine place," said the stranger, "glorious
"Lived there-ages."                          pile-frowning walls-tottering arches-dark nooks
"Many-conquests, sir?" inquired Mr. Tupman.   -crumbling staircases-old cathedral too-earthly
"Conquests! Thousands. Don Bolaro Fizzgig  smell-pilgrims' feet worn away the old steps-little
-Grandee —only daughter —Donna  Christina- Saxon doors-confessionals like money-takers' boxsplendid creature-loved me to distraction-jealous  es at theatres-queer customers, those monksfather-high-souled daughter-handsome English- Popes, and Lord Treasurers' and all sorts of old
man-Donna Christina in despair-prussic acid-  fellows, with great red faces, and broken noses,
stomach pump in my portmanteau-operation per- turning up every day-buff jerkins too-matchformed-old Bolaro in ecstasies-consent to our locks-sarcophagus-fine place-old legends toounion-join hands and floods of tears-romantic  strange stories: capital;" and the stranger continstory-very."                                   ued to soliloquize until they reached the Bull Inn,
" Is the lady in England now, sir?" inquired Mr. in the High Street, where the coached stopped.
Tupman, on whom the description of her charms    "Do you remain here, sir?" inquired Mr. Nathahad produced a powerful impression.            niel Winkle.
" Dead, sir-dead," said the stranger, applying to    "Here-not I —but you'd better-good househis right eye the brief remnant of a very old cambric  nice beds —Wright's next house, dear-very dear —
handkerchief.  "Never recovered the stomach  half a-crown in the bill, if you look at the waiterpump-undermined constitution-fell a victim."    charge you more if you dine at a friend's than they
A'; And, her father?" inquired the poetic Snod- would if you dined in the coffee room-rum fellows
grass.                                         -very."
"Remorse -and misery," replied the stranger.   Mr. Winkle turned to Mr. Pickwick, and mur"Sudden disappearance-talk of the whole city —  mured a few words; a whisper passed from Mr.
search made everywhere-without success-public Pickwick to Mr. Snodgrass, from Mr. Snodgrass to
fountain in the great square suddenly ceased play- Mr. Tupman, and nods of assent were exchanged.
ing-weeks elapsed-still a stoppage-workmen  Mr. Pickwick addressed the stranger.
employed to clean it —water drawn off-father-in-    "You rendered us a very important service, this
law discovered sticking head first in the main pipe, morning, sir," said he; "will you allow us to offer
with a full confession in his right boot-took him  a slight mark of our gratitude by begging the favor
out, and the fountain played away again as well as of your company at dinner?"
ever."                                           " Great pleasure —not presume to dictate, but
"Will you allow me to note that little romance  broiled fowl and mushrooms-capital thing! What
down, sir?" said Mr. Snodgrass, deeply affected.    time?"
"' Certainly, sir, certainly,-fifty more, if you like    " Let me see," replied Mr. Pickwick, referring to
to hear'em-strange life mine —rather curious his- his watch, "' it is now nearly three. Shall we say
tory-not extraordinary, but singular."         five?"
"Suit me excellently," said the stranger, "five
* Although we find this circumstance recorded as a "sin- precisely —till then-care of yourselves;" and liftgular" one, in Mr. Pickwick's note-book, we cannot refrain ing the pinched-up hat a few inches from his head,
from humbly expressing our dissent from that learned au- and carelessly replacing it very much on one side,
thority. The stranger's anecdote is not one quarter so won-' the stranger, with half the brown paper parcel
derful as some of Mr. Jesse's "Gleanings." Ponto sinks sticking out of his pocket, walked briskly up the
into utter insignificance before the dogs whose actions he yard, and turned into the high street.
records.
SAM  WELLER'S VALENTINE.
FROMV "THE PICKWICK CLUB." BY CHARLES DICKENS (BOZ).
SAM had solaced himself with a most agreeable  ed the passage of the George and Vulture, and
little dinner, and was waiting at the bar for the looked first up the stairs, and then along the pasglass of warm mixture, in which Mr. Pickwick had  sage, and then into the bar, as if in search of somerequested him to drown the fatigues of his morn- body to whom he bore a commission; whereupon
ing's walks, when a young boy of about three feet the barmaid, conceiving it not improbable that the
high, or thereabouts, in a hairy cap and fustian  said commission might be directed to the tea or
overalls, whose garb bespoke a laudable ambition  table spoons of the establishment, accosted the boy
to attain in time the elevation of an hostler, enter- with




SAM WELLER'S VALENTINE.                                 761
"Now, young man, what do you want?"'       path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate
"Is there anybody here, named Sam?" inquired  young gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing
the youth, in a loud voice of treble quality.  else, was depicted as superintending the cooking;
"What's the tother name?" said Sam Weller, a representation of the spire of the church in Langlooking round.                                ham  Place, appeared in the distance; and the
" How should I know?" briskly replied the young  whole formed a " valentine," of which, as a written
gentleman below the hairy cap.                inscription in the window testified, there was a
"You're a sharp boy, you are," said Mr. Weller; large assortment within, which the shopkeeper
"only I wouldn't show that wery fine edge too  pledged himself to dispose of to his countrymen
much, if I was you, in case any body took it off. generally, at the reduced rate of one and sixpence
What do you mean by comin' to a hot-el, and ask- each.
ing after Sam, vith so much politeness as a vild    " I should ha' forgot it; I should certainly ha'
Indian?"                                     forgot it!" said Sam; and so saying, he at once
"Cos an old gen'lm'n told me to," replied the stepped into the stationer's shop, and requested to
boy.                                          be served with a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter"What old gen'lm'n?" inquired Sam, with deep paper, and a hard-nibbed pen which could be wardisdain.                                      ranted not to splutter. These articles having been
"Him  as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our promptly supplied, he walked on direct towards
parlor," rejoined the boy. He told me yesterday  Leadenhall Market at a good round pace, very difmornin' to come to the George in Wultur this arter- ferent from  his recent lingering one. Looking
noon, and ask for Sam."                       round him, he there beheld a sign-board on which
"It's my father, my dear," said Mr. Weller, the painter's art had delineated something remoteturning with an explanatory air to the young lady ly resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline
in the bar; blessed if I think he hardly knows wot nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing that
my other name is. Vell, young brockily sprout, this was the Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the
wot then?"                                   house, and inquired concerning his parent.
" Why then," said the boy, " you was to come to    " He won't be here this three-quarters of an hour
him at six o'clock to our'ouse,'cos he wants to see or more," said the young lady who superintended
you-Blue Boar, Leaden'all Markit.  Shall I say the domestic arrangements of the Blue Boar.
you're comin'?"                                "Very good, my dear," replied Sam. "Let me
"You may wenture on that'ere statement, sir," have nine pen'orth o' brandy and water luke, and
replied Sam. And thus empowered, the young the inkstand, will you, miss?"
gentleman walked away, awakening all the echoes   The brandy and water luke and the inkstand
in George Yard as he did so, with several chaste having been carried into the little parlor, and the
and extremely correct imitations ofa drover's whistle, young lady having carefully flattened down the
delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume. coals to prevent their blazing, and carried away the
Mr. Weller, having obtained leave of absence poker to preclude the possibility of the fire being
from Mr. Pickwick, who, in his then state of ex- stirred, without the full privity and concurrence of
citement and worry, was by no means displeased at the Blue Boar being first had and obtained, Sam
being left alone, set forth long before the appointed  Weller sat himself down in a box near the stove, and
hour; and having plenty of time at his disposal, pulled out the sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, and
sauntered down as far as the Mansion House, where the hard-nibbed pen. Then, looking carefully at
he paused and contemplated, with a face of great the pen to see that there were no hairs in it, and
calmness and philosophy, the numerous cads and  dusting down the table, so that there might be no
drivers of short stages who assemble near that fa- crumbs of bread under the paper, Sam tucked up
mous place of resort to the great terror and con- the cuffs of his coat, squared his elbows, and comfusion of the old-lady population of these realms. posed himself to write.
Having loitered here, for half an hour or so, Mr.   To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit
Weller turned, and began wending his way towards of devoting themselves practically to the science of
Leadenhall Market, through a variety of bye streets penmanship, writing a letter is no very easy task, it
and courts. As he was sauntering away his spare being always considered necessary in such cases for
time, and stopped to look at almost every object the writer to recline his head on his left arm so as
that met his gaze, it is by no means surprising that to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level
Mr. Weller should have paused before a small sta- with the paper, and while glancing sideways at the
tioner's and print-seller's window; but without fur- letters he is constructing, to form with his tongue
ther explanation it does appear surprising that his imaginary characters to correspond. These moeyes should have no sooner rested on certain pic- tions, although unquestionably of the greatest assisttures which were exposed for sale therein, than he ance to original composition, retard in some degree
gave a sudden start, smote his right leg with great the progress of the writer, and Sam had unconvehemence, and exclaimed with energy, "If it sciously been a full hour and a half writing words
hadn't been for this, I should ha' forgot all about it, in small text, smearing out wrong letters with his
till it was too late!"                      little finger, and putting in new ones which requirThe particular picture on which Sam Weller's eyes ed going over very often to render them visible
were fixed, as he said this, was a highly colored re- through the old blots, when he was roused by the
presentation of a couple of human hearts skewered opening of the door and the entrance of his parent.
together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful   "Vell, Sammy," said the father.
fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern   "Vell, my Prooshan Blue," responded the son,
attire, the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and laying down his pen. " What's the last bulletin
white trowsers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse about mother-in-law?"
with a parasol of the same, were approaching the    "Mrs. Veller passed a wery good night, but is
meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine gravel uncommon perwerse and unpleasant this mornin'



762                             SAM  WELLER'S VALENTINE.
signed upon oath —S. Veller, Esquire, Senior.   "They seem to know your ways here," observed
that's the last vun as was issued, Sammy," replied  Sam.
Mr. Weller, untying his shawl.                    "Yes," replied the father, "I've been here be"No better yet?" inquired Sam.               fore, in my time. Go on, Sammy."
"All the symptoms aggerawated," replied Mr.   "'Lovely creetur,"' repeated Sam.
Weller, shaking his head. " But wot's that you're    "'Tain't in poetry, is it?" interposed the father.
a doin' of-pursuit of knowledge under difficulties    "No, no," replied Sam.
-eh, Sammy?'                                     "Wery glad to hear it," said Mr. Weller. " Poet-' I've done now," said Sam with slight embarrass- ry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked in poetry'cept
ment; "I've been a writin'."                    a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin', or
"So I see," replied Mr. Weller. "Not to any  Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never
young'ooman, I hope, Sammy."                   you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy.
" Why it's no use a sayin' it ain't," replied Sam. Begin again, Sammy."
" It's a walentine."                              Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solem"A  what!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently  nity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as
horror-stricken by the word.                    follows.
"A walentine," replied Sam.                     "'Lovely creetur i feel myself a damned' —.'
"Samivel, Samivel!" said Mr. Weller, in re-   "That ain't proper," said Mr. Weller, taking his
proachful accents, "I didn't think you'd ha' done  pipe from his mouth.
it. Arter the warnin' you've had o' your father's   "No; it ain't damned," observed Sam, holding
wicious perpensities, arter all I've said to you upon  the letter up to the light, "it's'shamed,' there's a
this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein' and  blot there-' I feel myself ashamed."'
bein' in the company o' your own mother-in-law,    "Wery good," said Mr. Weller.  "Go on."
vich I should ha' thought was a moral lesson as no    "' Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir —'
man could ever ha' forgotten to his dyin' day! I I forget wot this here word is," said Sam, scratchdidn't think you'd ha' done it, Sammy, I didn't ing his head with the pen, in vain attempts to re.
think you'd ha' done it."  These reflections were  member.
too much for the good old man. He raised Sam's    "Why don't you look at it, then?" inquired Mr.
tumbler to his lips, and drank off its contents.  Weller.
" Wot's the matter now!" said Sam.             " So I am a lookin' at it," replied Sam, " but there's
"Never mind, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, "it'll another blot; here's a' c,' and a' i,' and a' d.'"
be a wery agonizin' trial to me at my time of life,   "Circumwented, p'raps," suggested Mr. Weller.
but I'm pretty tough, that's vun consolation, as the    "No, it ain't that," said Sam, "circumscribed,
wery old turkey remarked ven the farmer said he that's it."
wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him, for the    " That ain't as good a word as circumwented,
London market."                                 Sammy," said Mr. Weller, gravely.
"Wot'll be a trial?" inquired Sam.             " Think not?" said Sam.' To see you married, Sammy-to see you a delu-    "Nothin' like it," replied his father.
ded wictim, and thinkin' in your innocence that it's   "But don't you think it means more?" inquired
all wery capital," replied Mr. Weller. " It's a dread- Sam.
ful trial to a father's feelin's, that'ere, Sammv."  "YVell, p'raps it is a more tenderer word," said
"Nonsense," said Sam.  "I ain't a goin' to get Mr. Weller, after a few moments' reflection.  " Go
married, don't you fret yourself about that; I know  on, Sammy."
you're a judge o' these things. Order in your pipe,   "' Feel myself ashamed and completely circumand I'll read you the letter-there."            scribed in a dressin' of you, for you are a nice gal,
We cannot distinctly say whether it was the pros- and nothin' but it.'"
pect of the pipe, or the consolatory reflection that   " That's a wery pretty sentiment," said the elder
a fatal disposition to get married ran in the family  Mr. Weller, removing his pipe to make way for the
and couldn't be helped, which calmed Mr. Weller's remark.
feelings, and caused his grief to subside. We    "Yes, I think it is rayther good," observed Sam,
should be rather disposed to say that the result was highly flattered.
attained by combining the two sources of consola-   " Wot I like in that'ere style of writin'," said the
tion, for he repeated the second in a low tone, elder Mr. Weller, "is, that there ain't no callin'
very frequently; ringing the bell meantime, to  names in it, —no Wenuses, nor nothin' o' that kind;
order in the first.   He then divested  himself  wot's the good o' callin' a young'ooman a Wenus
of his upper coat; and lighting the pipe and  or a angel, Sammy?"
placing himself in front of the fire with his back to-    " Ah! what, indeed?" replied Sam.
wards it, so that he could feel its full heat, and re-   "You might jist as vell call her a griffin, or a
cline against the mantel-piece at the same time, unicorn, or a king's arms at once, which is wery
turned towards Sam, and, with a countenance  veil known to be a col-lection o' fabulous animals,"
greatly mollified by the softening influence of to- added Mr. Weller.
bacco, requested him to "fire away."               "Just as well," replied Sam.
Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for    "Drive on, Sammy," said Mr. Weller.
any corrections, and began with a very theatrical   Sam complied with the request, and proceeded
air-   as follows; his father continuing to smoke, with a
"' Lovely."'                               mixed expression of wisdom  and complacency,
"Stop," said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell.  " A  which was particularly edifying.
double glass o' the inwariable, my dear."         "'Afore I see you I thought all women was
" Very well, sir," replied the girl; who with  alike.'"
great quickness appeared, vanished, returned, and    "So they are," observed the elder Mr. Weller,
disappeared.                                    parenthetically.




SAM  WELLER S VALENTINE.                                  763
j -
_ __~__- - ______ _                                 Iil.. —--....
I'
"'But now,' continued Sam,'now I find what a that; and I wish your mother-in-law'ud only conreg'lar soft-headed, ink-red'lous turnip I must ha' duct her conwersation on the same gen-teel princibeen, for there ain't nobody like you though I like ple. Ain't you a goin' to sign its?"
you better than nothin' at all.' I thought it best   "That's the difficulty," said Sam; "I don't know
to make that rayther strong," said Sam, looking up. what to sign it."
Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam re-   "Sign it-YVeller," said the oldest surviving prosumed:                                         prietor of that name.
" So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my    "Won't do," said Sam. "Never sign a walendear-as the gen'lem'n in difficulties did, ven he tine with your own name."
valked out of a Sunday,-to tell you that the first   " Sign it'Pickvick,' then," said Mr. Weller;
and only time I see you your likeness was took on  "it's a wery good name, and an easy one to
my hart in much quicker time and brighter colors spell."
than ever a likeness was took by the profeel ma-   "The wery thing," said Sam. "I could end with
cheen (wich p'raps you may have heerd on Mary my  a werse; what do you think?"
dear) altho it does finish a portrait and put the frame    " I don't like it, Sam," rejoined Mr. Weller. "I
and glass on complete with a hook at the end to  never know'd a respectable coachman as wrote
hang it up by and all in two minutes and a quar- poetry,'cept one, as made an affectin' copy o'
ter.'"                                         werses the night afore he wos hung for a highway
"I am afeerd that werges on the poetical, Sam- robbery; and he wos only a Cambervell man, so
my," said Mr. Weller, dubiously.               even that's no rule."
"No it don't," replied Sam, reading on very    But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetquickly, to avoid contesting the point.        ical idea that had occurred to him, so he signed the
"'  Except of me, Mary my dear, as your walen- lettertine, and think over what I've said.-My dear Mary              "Your love-sick
I will now conclude.' That's all," said Sam.                    Pickwick."
"That's rayther a sudden pull up, ain't it, -Sammy?" inquired Mr. Weller.                     And having folded it, in a very intricate manner,
"Not a bit on it," said Sam; "she'll vish there  squeezed a down-hill direction in one corner: " To
wos more, and that's the great art o' letter Mary, Housemaid, at Mr. Nupkins's Mayor's, Ipswritin'."                                      wich, Suffolk;" and put into his pocket, wafered,
" Well," said Mr. Weller, "there's somethin' in  and ready for the General Post.




764                ONE PEEP WAS ENOUGH; OR, THE POST-OFFICE.
ONE  PEEP  WAS ENOUGH; OR, THE  POST-OFFICE.
BY LETITIA ELIZABETH LANDON (L. E. L.)
ALL places have their peculiarities: now that of Herald (for the post came in of an evening), and
Dalton was discourse-that species of discourse, went to bed at ten. Nothing could be more regular
which Johnson's Dictionary entitles "conversation  or unexceptionable than his habits; still it was
on whatever does not concern ourselves."  Every- most extraordinary what could have brought him
body knew what everybody did, and a little more. to Dalton. There were no chalybeate springs,
Eatings, drinkings, wakings, sleepings, walkings, warranted to cure every disease under the sun; no
talkings, sayings, doings-all were for the good of ruins in the neighborhood, left expressly for antithe public; there was not such a thing as a secret quarians and pic-nic parties; no fine prospects,
in the town.                                   which, like music, people make it matter of conThere was a story of Mrs. Mary Smith, an ancient science to admire;  no celebrated person had ever
dame who lived on an annuity, and boasted the  been born or buried in its environs; there were no
gentility of a back and front parlor, that she once  races, no assizes-in short, there was " no nothing."
asked a few friends to dinner. The usual heavy  It was not even summer; so country air and fine
antecedent half-hour really passed quite pleasantly; weather were not the inducements. The stranger's
for Mrs. Mary's windows overlooked the market- name was Mr. Williams, but that was the extent of
place, and not a scrag of mutton could leave it un- their knowledge; and, shy and silent, there seemed.
observed; so that the extravagance or the mean- no probability of learning any thing more from
ness of the various buyers furnished a copious himself. Conjecture, like Shakspere, "exhausted
theme for dialogue. Still, in spite of Mr. A.'s pair worlds, and then imagined new." Some supposed he
of fowls, and Mrs. B.'s round of beef, the time seem- was hiding from his creditors, others that he had
ed long, and the guests found hunger growing more committed forgery; one suggested that he had espotent than curiosity. They waited and waited; caped from a mad-house, a second that he had killat length the fatal discovery took place-that in  ed some one in a duel; but all agreed that he came
the hurry of observing her neighbor's dinners, Mrs. there for no good.
Smith had forgotten to order her own.            It was the twenty-third of March, when a triad of
It was in the month' of March that an event hap- gossips were assembled at their temple, the postpened which put the whole town in a-commotion- office. The affairs of Dalton and the nation were
the arrival of a stranger, who took up his abode at settled together; newspapers were slipped from
the White Hart; not that there was any thing re- their covers, and not an epistle but yielded a pormarkable about the stranger; he was a plain, mid- tion of its contents. But on this night all attention
dle-aged, respectable-looking man, and the nicest was concentrated upon one, directed to "John
scrutiny (and heaven knows how narrowly he was Williams, Esq., at the White Hart, Dalton." Eagerwatched) failed to discover any thing odd about ly was it compressed in the long fingers of Mrs.
him. It was ascertained that he rose at eight, Mary Smith of dinnerless memory; the fat landlady
breakfasted at nine, ate two eggs and a piece of  of the White Hart was on tip-toe to peep, while the
broiled bacon, sat in his room at the window, read  post-mistress, whose curiosity took a semblance of
a little, wrote a little, and looked out upon the road  official dignity, raised a warning hand against any
a good deal; he then strolled out, returned home, overt act of violence. The paper was closely folddined at five, smoked two cigars, read the morning  ed, and closely written in a cramped and illegible




COOL.  LOGIC.                                      765
hand; suddenly Mrs. Mary Smith's look grew more like a man that has got something on his conintent-she had succeeded in deciphering a sen- science," pointing to Mr. Williams, who was walktence; the letter dropped from her hand. "Oh, ing up and down at his usual slow pace. Two
the monster!" shrieked the horrified peeper. Land- o'clock arrived, and with it a hack chaise; out of it
lady and post-mistress both snatched at the terri- stept, sure enough, a lady and gentleman. The landble scroll, and they equally succeeded in reading lady's pity redoubled-such a pretty young creature,
the following words-" We will settle the matter to- not above nineteen! —" I see how it is," thought
morrow  at dinner, but I am  sorry you persist in she, "the old wretch is jealous."  All efforts to
poisoning your wife, the horror is too great."  Not catch her eye were in vain, the dinner was ready,
a syllable more could they make out; but what and down they sat. The hostess of the White Hart,
they had read was enough.  "He told me," gasped looked alternately out of the window, like sister
the landlady, " that he expected a lady and gentle- Ann, to see if any one was coming, and to the table
man to dinner-oh the villain! to think of poison- to see that nothing was doing. To her dismay, she
ing any lady at the White Hart; and his wife, too  observed the young lady lifting a spoonful of broth
-I should like to see my husband poisoning me!" to her mouth! She could restrain herself no longOur hostess became quite personal in her indigna- er; but catching her hand, exclaimed, "Poor dear
tion.                                           innocent, the soup is poisoned!"-All started from
"I always thought'there was something suspi- the table in confusion, which was yet to be increascious about him; people don't come and live where ed:-a bustle was heard in the passage, in rushed
nobody, knows them, for nothing," observed Mrs. a whole party, two of whom, each catching an arm
Mary Smith.                                     of Mr. Williams, pinioned them down to his seat.
" I dare say," returned the post-mistress, "Wil- " I am happy, madam," said the little bustling maliams is not his real name."                    gistrate, " to have been under heaven the instru"I don't know that," interrupted the landlady; ment of preserving your life from the nefarious de"Williams is a good hanging name: there was signs of that disgrace to humanity." Mr. Crampton
Williams who murdered the Marr's family, and paused in consequence of three wants-want of
Williams who burked all those poor dear children; words, breath, and ideas.
I dare say he is some relation of theirs; but to    "My life!" ejaculated the astonished lady.
think of his coming to the White Hart-it's no place    "Yes, madam, the -ways of Providence are infor his doings, I can tell him; he shan't poison his scrutable-the vain curiosity of three idle women
wife in my house; out he goes this very night-I'll has been turned to good account."  And the eletake the letter to him myself."                 quent magistrate proceeded to detail the process of
"Lord! Lord! I shall be ruined, if it comes to  inspection to which the fatal letter had been subbe known that we take a look into the letters;" jected; but when he came to the terrible wordsand the post-mistress thought in her heart that she  "We will settle the matter to-morrow at dinner;
had better let Mr. Williams poison his wife at his but I am sorry you persist in poisoning your wife"
leisure. Mrs. Mary Smith, too, reprobated any vio- -he was interrupted by bursts of laughter from the
lent measures; the truth is, she did not wish to be gentleman, from the injured wife, and even from
mixed up in the matter; a gentlewoman with an the prisoner himself. One fit of merriment was
annuity and a front and back parlor was rather followed by another, till it became contagious, and
ashamed of being detected in such close intimacy  the very constables began to laugh too.
with the post-mistress and the landlady. It seem-   "I can explain all," at last interrupted the visitor.
ed likely that poor Mrs. Williams would be left to  " Mr. Williams came here for that quiet so necessary
her miserable fate.                             for the labors of genius; he is writing a melodrama
"Murder will out," said the landlord, the follow- called' My Wife'-he submitted the last act to me,
ing morning, as he mounted the piebald pony, which, and I rather objected to the poisoning of the herolike Tom Tough, had seen a deal of service; and ine. This young lady is my daughter, and we are
hurried off in search of Mr. Crampton, the nearest on our way to the sea-coast. Mr. Williams is only
magistrate.                                     wedded to the Muses."
Their perceptions assisted- by brandy and water,   The disconcerted magistrate shook his head, and
he and his wife had- sat up long past" the witching muttered something about theatres being very imhour at night," deliberating on what line of con- moral.
duct would be most efficacious in  preserving      Quite mistaken, sir," said Mr. Williams. "Our
the life of the'unfortunate Mrs. Williams; and the  soup is cold; but our worthy landlady roasts fowls
result of the deliberation was to fetch the justice, to a turn-we will have them and the veal cutlets up,
and have the delinquent taken into custody at the you will stay and dine with us-and, afterwards, Ivery dinner-table which was intended -to be. the shall be proud to read'My Wife' aloud, in the hope
scene of his crime.  "He has ordered s6up to-day  of your approval, at least, of your indulgence"-and
for the first time; he thinks he could so easily slip  with the same hope, I bid farewell to my readpoison into the liquid. There he goes; he looks ers.
COOL.-A farmer, suspecting that his wood-pile   LOGIC.-A man once made a bet, that he could
was robbed, sat up to watch. In the night, he prove that this side of the river was the other side.
heard a noise, and, looking out, saw a lazy neigh-:Pointing to the opposite shore, he asked. "Is not
bor endeavoring to carry of a large. log. " You're that one side of the river?"  "Yes." Well, a river
a pretty fellow," said the owner, " to come here, has but two sides-if that is one side, of course this
and steal my wood while I sleep."  "And you're a is the other side."  His antagonist, dumbfounded by
pretty fellow," said the thief, "to stay up there, such logic, paid the money, and began to think
and see me breaking my back with lifting, and  with Macbeth, that "nothing is but what is not."
never offer to help me."




766             CURIOUS OPINIONS OF A TURK.  THE LOTTERY TICKET.
CURIOUS  OPINIONS  OF  A  TURK.
FROM " NINEVEH AND BABYLON."  BY A. H. LAYARD.
THE time was drawing near for my departure. I inquired into the number of the inhabitants; and
Once more I was about to leave the ruins amidst as to what one person loads on his mules, and the
which I had spent so many happy hours, and to  other stows away in the bottom of his ship, that is
which I was bound by so many pleasant and solemn  no business of mine. But, above all, as to the preties; and probably to return no more.          vious history of this city, God knows the amount
I only waited the arrival of Abde, the late Pasha of dirt ahd confusion the infidels may have eaten
of Bagdad, who was now on his way to his new  before the coming of the sword of Islam. It were
government of Diarbekir. He was travelling with  unprofitable for us to inquire into it.' Oh, my soul!
a large company of attendants, as without a strong  oh, my lamb! seek not after the things which conescort, it was scarcely prudent to venture on a cern thee not. Thou camest to us and we welcomed
journey. It was doubly necessary for me to have thee: go in peace.
proper protection, as I took with me the valuable    " Of a truth, thou hast spoken many words; and
collection of bronzes and other small objects dis- there is no harm done, for the speaker is one, and
covered in the ruins. I gladly, therefore, availed the listener is another. After the fashion of thy
myself of this opportunity of joining so numerous people, thou hast wandered from one place to anand powerful a caravan.                        other, until thou art happy and content in none.
At length, after the usual eastern delays, the We (praise be to God) were born here, and never
Pasha arrived at Mosul. He remained encamped  desire to quit it. Is it possible then that the idea
outside the town for two or three days, and during  of a general intercourse between mankind should
that time visited the excavations, his curiosity hav- make any impression on our understandings? God
ing been excited by the description he had received forbid!
of the wondrous idols dug out of the ruins. He    " Listen, oh my son! There is no wisdom equal
marvelled at what he saw, as a Turk marvels at unto the belief in God!  He created the world,
strange things which he can neither understand nor and shall we liken ourselves unto him in seeking to
explain. It would be in vain to speak to him of penetrate into the mysteries of his creation? Shall
the true objects of such researches, the knowledge we say, behold this star spinneth round that star,
they impart, the lessons they teach or the thoughts and this other star with a tail goeth and cometh in
they beget.                                    so many years! Let it go! He from whose hand
In these pages I have occasionally indulged in it came will guide and direct it.
reflections suggested by the scenes I have had to   "But thou wilt say unto me, Stand aside, oh
describe, and have ventured to point out the moral man, for I am more learned than thou art, and
of the strange tale I have had to relate. I cannot have seen more things. If thou thinkest that thou
better conclude than by showing the spirit in which  art in this respect better than I am, thou art weleastern philosophy and Mussulman resignation con- come. I praise God that I seek not that which I
template the evidences of ancient greatness and require not. Thou art learned in the things I care
civilization, suddenly rising up over the midst of not for; and as for that which thou hast seen, I
modern ignorance and decay. A letter in my pos- defile it. Will much knowledge create thee a
session contained so true and characteristic a pic- double belly, or wilt thou seek Paradise with thine
ture of the feelings that such an event excites in eyes?
the mind of a good Mohammedan, that I here give    " Oh, my friend! If thou wilt he happy, say,
a literal translation of its contents. It was written  There is no god but God! Do no evil, and thus
to a friend of mine by a Turkish Cadi, in reply to  wilt thou fear neither man nor death; for surely
some inquiries as to the commerce, population, and thine hour will come!
remains of antiquity of an ancient city, in which           "The meek in spirit (El Fakin)
dwelt the head of the land. These are its words:-                        "IMAUN ALIZADE."
" My illustrious Friend and Joy of my Liver!
" The thing you ask of me is both difficult and    On the 28th of April, I bid a last farewell to my
useless. Although I have passed all my days in this faithful Arab friends, and with a heavy heart turnplace, I have neither counted the houses nor have  ed from the ruins of ancient Nineveh.
THE  LOTTERY  TICKET.
ANONYMOUS.
THAT once fruitful source of pleasing although  which, in a fearful majority of cases, must termidelusive hopes, the Lottery, is now no more. A  nate in disappointment. Yet the very same persons
despotic act of parliament has given the death-blow  scruple not to hold out as incentives to good conto thousands of happy pictures of the imagination, duct examples of success, that must create hopes
that were hitherto wont to amuse, for a time at equally deceptive. The apprentice is taught to
least, those earnest suitors of Fortune, who, if they  cherish the idea, that however humble his fortune,
did not actually enjoyj her smiles, flattered them- he may one day become Lord Mayor; the midshipselves that they were on the high road to her favors. man is excited to emulation by the example of
A stern moraiist, indeed, may expatiate on the Nelson, and told that he ought not to despair of
baneful influence of Lotteries, not only as a species rising to the highest honors in his profession; and
of gambling, but as tending to cherish expectations, whatever be the career in which the youthful ad



THE LOTTERY TICKET.                                    767
venturer starts for fortune or for fame, it is consid- Will of Avon styles thee, surely thou didst in this
ered not merely pardonable, but meritorious in  instance behave most unfairly, bestowing on Sally
him, to propose to himself the attainment of the  Sadlins an elevation of figure that, had she been of
greatest prize it has to bestow. There is a Russian  the other sex, might have raised her to the rank of
proverb which says,' He is a bad soldier that does a corporal of grenadiers. Yet, if thou gavest her
not expect to become a general;' yet were a whole  an aspiring stature, thou gavest her no aspiring
army to consist of individuals combining the talents thoughts; and if thou didst deny to her softness of
of an Alexander, a Caesar, and a Napoleon, it would  person, fortunately for her peace, thou didst not
be as impossible that all should be commanders, as gift her with the least susceptibility of heart. If
that in a Lottery every speculator should gain the  Sally was not loveable, there was no woman on
grand prize.                                    earth who could possibly have regretted it less.
But, the "Lucky Corner" is gone; or, rather, Indeed, I may safely aver, the idea of love never
though the identical house stands there yet, it no  for an instant entered her head, much less had a
longer conjures up in the passers-by, dreams of single twinge of it ever touched her heart. She
sudden affluence, and of hoards of gold. There, at had heard people talk of love; and she supposedthe forked triple way, Fortune seemed with open  if indeed she ever bestowed a thought on the subarms to invite all who approached the spot, point- ject-that there must be something in the world
ing with one hand to the Bank, and with the other so called, otherwise people would' not have inventto the wealthy Lombard land. The Lottery, too, ed a name for it: but she could no more pretend
whatever be alleged against it in other respects, to say what it was, than to describe the ingredients
must be admitted to have frequently furnished an  of the air she breathed: —In short, Sally was the
expedient to the novelist and dramatist, and en- most guileless, simple, and disinterested of mortals
abled them to extricate a hero from poverty and  that ever entered beneath'the roof of a single genraise him at once to affluence, without killing a dis- tleman, to be the first servant where there was no
tant relative, or bringing an old uncle from India. mistress.
A lottery ticket has, also, without doubt, given rise    Well, therefore, might Mrs. Thoms, who was
to many a strange incident, and it is'hoped that aware that elderly gentlemen in her" dear" uncle's
the one I am now about to relate will not be found  situation, are not always gifted with that discretion
wholly unamusing.                               that beseems their years, but sometimes commit
Mr. Richard Fogrum, or, as his old acquaintance  themselves to wedlock, in an unwary moment, to
would more familiarly than respectfully designate  the no small prejudice of their affectionate relahim, Dick Fogrum, or, as he was sometimes styled  tives; —well, I say, might the prudent Mrs. Thoms
on the superscription of a letter from a tradesman  congratulate herself on having found such a treaor poor relation, Richard Fogrum, Esq., had for sure, so invaluable a jewel, as Sally Sadlins. She
some years retired from business, although he had  was certain that from this quarter, at least, there
not yet passed what is called the middle age; and, was nothing to be apprehended-nothing to interturning his back on his shop, where he had made, cept her " dear" uncle's three per cents from what
if not a considerable fortune, at least a handsome  she considered the legitimate object of their desticompetency, rented a small house at Hackney, or, nation. Some alarm, indeed, had been excited in
as he was pleased to term it, in the country. His her mind, by hearing that Mr. Fogrum had been
establishment united a due attention to comfort, seen rather frequently of late knocking at the door
with economy and prudence. Beside a kitchen- of Mrs. Simpson; but then again she thought that
maid and an occasional charwoman or errand boy, he could not possibly be led thither by any other
Mr. Fogrum possessed, in the person of the trusty  motive than that of chatting away an hour with the
Sally Sadlins, an excellent superintendent of his widow of an old friend; beside, this lady was not
little menage. Sally was not exactly gouvernante, likely either to lead, or to be led, into matrimony.
or housekeeper, at' least she assumed none of the  In her younger days Mrs. Simpson might have been
dignity attached to such a post; she seemed indeed  pretty, but none of her acquaintance could recolhardly to have a will or opinion of her own, but lect when. She still patched; yet the patch was
had so insensibly accommodated herself to her em- applied not where coquetry would have placed it,
ployer's ways and humors, that by degrees the  but where necessity dictated, namely, over the left
apparent distance between master and servant eye. Mrs. Thoms therefore consoled herself with
diminished, and as Sally, though far from talkative  the reflection, that it was better her uncle should
herself, was a good listener, Mr. Fogrum began to  knock at Mrs. Simpson's door than at that of a
find a pleasure in relating to her all the little news more attractive fair one.-No! her uncle, she was
and anecdotes he usually picked up in his daily  perfectly satisfied, would never marry.
walk.                                             "What have you got there, Sally?" said Mr.
Let it not, however, be supposed that there was Fogrum to his housekeeper, one day, as she drew
any thing equivocal in the kind of unconscious something from her pocket, while standing before
courtesy which existed between these two person- the side-board opposite to him. "An't please you,
ages; a single glance at Sally would have convinced  sir," replied Sally, in a meek, but not very gentle
the most ingenious fabricator of scandal, and dealer voice, "it's a bit o' summat I was going to show
in innuendoes, that here there was no foundation on  you. You know, sir, my uncle Tim took leave of
which to build even the slightest surmise of the  me yesterday, before he goes to sea again, and so
kind, for both Sally's person and face were to her he gave me this paper, which he says may chance
a shield that would have rebutted any notion of the  turn up trumps, and make me comfortable for
sort. - Alas! that nature, so extolled by every  life."
poet for her impartiality, should be at times so    " Well, let me see what it is, Sally-is it the old
capricious in her favors, and bestow her gifts so  fellow's will?-Hum! —why, Sally, this is a Lottery
grudgingly, even on those whose very sex entitles ticket!-a whole Lottery ticket; yet I will venture
them to be considered fair! "Kind goddess," as to say not worth more than thQ rag of paper'tis




768                               THE LOTTERY TICKET.
printed on. I have myself tried the Lottery, times _
and often, ere now, and never got any thing but- \
disappointment.-' A blank, sir, a blank'-that was
the only answer I ever obtained from them. What                               // -
could possibly induce your uncle to lay out his cash   >
in so foolish a manner?'Tis never worth either                                          i
keeping or thinking about. No. 123, confound it!
I know it well, I once purchased a share of it mIyself-the very first I ever bought, when I was quite 
a lad; and well do I recollect that I chose it out of
a whole heap, and thought myself very fortunate
in obtaining one with such a sequence of figures —
one, two, three." 
Most composedly did Sally take the ticket again,'
not at all disconcerted at this denunciation of ill- 
luck, but on the contrary, with a calmness worthy
of a stoic.'Tis true, she did not, like Patience on
a monument, absolutely smile at grief; but then,
Sally never smiled; nor would a smile perhaps, if
the rigidity of her face would have permitted such
a relaxation of its muscles, have tended greatly to
heighten the attraction of her countenance.
Her master in the meanwhile continued eating
and wondering, and wondering and eating, until he        I
could neither eat nor wonder more; but dismissing
Sally with the dinner things, turned himself quietly   -
to the fire, and took his pipe.
Mrs. Thoms was sitting one morning cogitating -
on some mischief that she again began to apprehend from the Widow Simpson, in consequence of and apprehending she knew not what, requested
certain intelligence she had the day before received, to be informed what had happened, without further
respecting that lady's designs upon the person of delay.
her uncle, when she was suddenly startled from her   "Why, ma'am, then, Mr. Fogrum is —married,
reverie by a loud rapping at the door, and instantly  that's all."
afterwards who should enter the parlor, but the    To describe the effect those words had upon Mrs.
very subject of her meditations-Mrs. Simpson  Thoms, would be impossible, and to paint the
herself.                                       expressiqn of her countenance, equally unavailThe appearance of so unusual a visitor would ing.
alone have sufficed to surprise her; but there was    "Married!" screamed she out, at length, as soon
something in the good lady's manner and counte- as she could draw her breath, "Married!-impossinance, that denoted she came upon a very import- ble -to whom?"
ant errand.                                      "To whom?-to Sally Sadlins, ma'am."
"Why, Mrs. Thoms," exclaimed she, almost   "To Sally Sadlins! — impossible-you must be
breathless, as soon as she entered, "have you  joking."
heard?-your uncle" —                            "Not I, I assure you. I'm not a person, Mrs.
"Good heavens!" cried Mrs. Thoms, "what do  Thoms, to make such jokes. I myself saw them,
you mean?-what has happened?-my poor dear less than an hour ago, pass by my window in a postuncle —ill-dying!"                            chaise together, and then learnt the whole story
"Compose yourself, Mrs. Thoms —not dying-  from those who saw them step into it, at the church
but I thought you might have heard"-           door."
" Heard what?-some accident, I suppose?-    " Oh! Mrs. Simpson, how have I been deceived
poor dear man!"                              in that insinuating hussy, Sally Sadlins!  She who
"No: no accident," returned the widow, who seemed so staid, so discreet-so very unlikely a
by this time had somewhat recovered her breath; person.-What an old fool he must be, to marry so
"but something very strange-most unaccounta- vulgar a frump!"
ble. What you may think of it, I know not; but   "Nay, do not agitate yourself, my dear ma'am,"
for my part I think that Mr.:Fogrum has acted-I said Mrs. Simpson, who, now having disburthened
shall not say:how."                  -        herself of her secret, and her own mortification
"And pray, ma'am," said Mrs. Thoms, who now  being perhaps carried off by that of Mrs. Thoms's,
began to think that it was some quarrel between  which acted as a conductor to it, had quite regained
them, of which the widow came to inform her, her composure-" for my part, I hope he may not
" what has Mr. Fogrum done, that you should come repent of his match."
in this strange manner, and make so great a fuss   "Oh! Thoms," exclaimed the other lady, as her
about it?- It is some nonsense, after all, I dare say." husband entered the room, "' here is news for us!
"Nonsense, forsooth! —well, I declare!-how- -my silly old uncle has actually, this very morning,
ever, it certainly is no business of mine, ma'am," married his maid-servant!"
returned Mrs. Simpson, quite nettled at her recep-   "That is most confoundedly unlucky," cried
tion;- " and as I suppose you know what has taken  Thoms, " though I much doubted whether all your
place, and approve of it, I have nothing further to  management in manoeuvring, for which you gave
say."                                         yourself so much credit, would be to any purlMrs. Thoms now became unaffectedly alarmed, pose."




OXFORD JOKES.                                      769
"But who could dream of such a thing!-I have
no patience with himn for having married as he has
done."
"Well, my dear, there is no helping it; and
perhaps after all, since he is married, it is quite as
wellfor us that he has chosen as he has.".                                          i
While Mrs. Thoms was ejaculating and bewailling-now abusing poor Sally as an artful seducing.
woman, who, under the mask of the greatest simplicity, had contrived to work upon hler uncle's                                   i!i
weakness-and anon venting her reproaches against
the latter, for suffering himself to be thus duped, —   i                            l i jl! 
a post-chaise was seen rolling along on the road to  -(
-, with the identical pair seated in it, who were
the subject of this invective and clamor. The in-         o
telligence, of which Mrs. Simpson had been the un-      il
welcome messenger, was, in fact, correct in every    -ii
particular; for Richard Fogrum, single man, and Sally
Sadlins, spifister, had that very morning been lawfully  i
united in wedlock, although, but a few days before,
had any one prognosticated such an event, they
would no more have believed it possible than Mrs.
Thoms herself. 
"Now, my dear Sally," said the somewhat stale
Benedick, laying his hand, rather gently than amorously, on that of the bride, for which, by the bye,
it was really no match in size-" I doubt not but            -
my niece will be in a towering passion when she
hears of this: however, no matter; let her, and
the rest of the world say what they please. I do here-123, 20,0001.! Is not that the number of
not see why a man may not just as well follow his your ticket?"
own fancies as those of other persons.  Besides,   " Yes, but"Sally, though folks may think that I might have    "But, what?"
made a more advantageous match, in point of for-   "Why, you won't hear me, Mr. Fogrum," said
tune at least, they may perhaps be in error. I have  Sally, mildly. "I was only going to say, that two
a piece of intelligence to communicate, of which, months ago-I sold the ticket."
perhaps, you little dream. You recollect that Lot-   "How! -what! —sold!" groaned out poor Fogtery ticket?-well! passing the' Lucky Corner,' by  rum, and sunk gasping against the side of the chaise.
the Mansion-House, two days ago, I beheld, pasted    "Now pray don't distress yourself, Mr. Fogrum,"
up at the window,'No. 123, 20,0001.!' Ha! ha! said Sally, without the least visible emotion, or any
Sally; well did I recollect those figures again-one, change in her tone; " did you not, yourself, tell
two, three! they follow each other as naturally as me it was not worth keeping; so I thought-' well,
A, B, C. So home I came, but determined to say  master must know better about these matters than
nothing of the matter till now."               I, therefore I may as well make something of it
The reader has already been informed that Sally while I can;' so I changed it away for this nice
was the most phlegmatic of her sex; still it may  white shawl, which the man said was quite a barbe supposed that such an interesting disclosure gain-only do feel how fine it is."
would have elicited some ejaculation of exultation,   "Sally!-woman! —a bargain?-twenty thoueven from the lips of a stoic. Yet Sally, with won- sand pounds!"
derful composure, merely replied, "La! now that   Here let me drop the curtain, for none but a
is curious."                                   master-hand could do justice to the bridegroom's'  Curious I yes, but I assure you it is quite true; feelings, and I will not impair the effect by attemptI am not joking."                              ing to heighten it. I have only to add, that Mr.
"Well; what an odd turn things do sometimes Fogrum eventually regained his usual composure,
take i"                                        and was once known even to relate the story him" Odd, indeed! for who would have thought that self over a glass of his best whisky, as a droll anecmy identical unlucky number, 123, should bring  dote in his life.
you —I may say us, Sally,- twenty thousand    Matrimony made no visible alteration in his mepounds i"                                      nage, nor in his bride, for the only difference it
"But, sir, Mr. Fogrum, you are mistaken, I caused with respect to the latter, was that she sat
mean to say"                                  I at table instead of standing by the side-board,"No mistake at all, my dear-quite certain of it that she was now called Mrs. Fogrum, instead of
-took down the number in my pocket-book-see  Sally Sadlins.
OXFORD JOKES. —A gentleman entered the room    WETHERAL, the Master of University College,
of Dr. Barton, Warden of Merton College, and told went to Dr. Lee, then sick in bed, and said-" So,
him that Dr. Vowel was dead. "What!" said he,   Dr. Everleigh has been egged on to matrimony."
"Dr. Vowel dead! thank heaven it was neither "Has he?" said he; "why, then, I hope the yoke
U nor I."                                      will sit easy."




770                            A HUSBANTD'S VENGEANCE.
A  HUSBAND'S  VENGEANCE.
BY SHIRLEY BROOKS.
MRS. MORNINGTON SWALE had contrived.to get to- doorways, and talked about "moot points," to the
gether a very amusing set, but how she had man- discomfiture of the listeners. And there was a fat
aged it was one of those questions which, if put, in- German'Count, who always came, aud who had
dicate the possession of an inquiring rather than a moustaches and a very pensive expression, and was
practical mind.  For, in the first place, nobody  greatly addicted to declaring that he wanted someknew, and in the second, nobody cared.?       thing to love him. Now, when the usual litter of a
Indeed, the lady herself was a kind of mystery; ball-room is diversified with shreds and patches
and if she had not given such very pleasant parties, such as we have mentioned, there is sure to be
it is probable that the carelessness we have alluded  some fun; and our opinion is, that fun is better
to might have been superseded by a spirit of inter- than formality, any day in the week.
rogation. Her name was in the Court Guide cor-   But apropos of days in the week, it was a curious
rected up to April, and that was all. She never fact that there was certain days on which Mrs.
talked about her father, or her mother, or any  Mornington Swale was never at home; never was
other of the young people mentioned in the long seen out, and never gave a party. And this was
list at the end of the prayer-book, as folks one brought to our minds by the extraordinary incident
must not marry; nor did she ever vaunt acquaint- which we are about to relate.
tance with the Peerage, friendship with the Baron-   Mrs. Mornington had assembled one of the very
etage, or intimacy with the Landed Commoners, as best of her parties. There was an excellent show
usual with genteel people of a certain order. When  of pretty faces, and an acre or so of white waistcoats,
she had a box at the Opera, which happened about and much polking. The actors were there, grumthree times in the season, she never pretended to  bling, and the authors were putting themselves in
know who all the subscribers around her were; mild attitudes, and the poets were gazing sternly
and when we add that she insisted on listening to  at nothing, and the singers were looking spiteful,
the music instead of chattering during its perform- and the barristers were squabbling outside the
ance, we shall convince every reader of elegance  door, and the fat German Count was telling a young
that she was "not the sort of person to know." lady, with a Norma wreath, that he wanted someITevertheless, a good many people held an opposite body to love him. The evening was going off reopinion, and proved that they did so, by coming to  markably well, and a large double quadrille had
her parties.                                   just been formed. Mrs. Mornington Swale was
Mrs. Mornington Swale's beauty,-for though  standing up, at the top, with a very indifferent
not a very young woman, she was beautiful-was young poet, who would have made a very invaluaof the commanding order. Her height, queenly  ble scarecrow.
aspect, and glossy black braids, struck terror into the    We were just going to begin La Pooule, when a
minds of youngish men, and made themn very need- very loud voice was heard in the hall, announcing
lessly stammer out greater nonsense than they had that somebody, whose lungs were clearly in excelintended. Her arrangements were a little despotic, lent order, was determined to come up stairs. And
and it was not easy, even if you wished, to escape presently a group of the barristers was scattered
the partner or the companion to the supper-table forward into the room, and rushing after them, and
whom she had selected for you. Everybody was a into the very centre of the quadrille, came a very
little afraid of her, and that is the truth.   short, very stout, and very sturdy man, in the dirtiHer parties were, as aforesaid, very pleasant. est dress ever seen, his brawny arms bared to the
She did not fill her rooms with negative eligi- elbows, and his whole apparel saturated with grease.
bles-men who could only dress, and women who He glared round upon us all-the effect was dracould only simper. She always infused a large matic. Nobody remembered to faint, an oversight
quantity of character into her reunions; —not that for which several young ladies never forgave themthe individuals were much in themselves, but in the selves. Mrs. Mornington Swale stood petrified.
aggregate they gave a tone to the party. We    "Now, Sue," said the stranger, confironting her.
used to meet a popular actor or two-generally    " Now, Sue."  And this to her! Some of us
dull creatures enough, who spent the evening in half expected that he would be annihilated. But
alternately droning and snarling upon dramatic she continued aghast.
matters. We had authors-small authors, but still   "Mark my words, Sue," continued the unknown,
men who occasionally rushed into print, and wished suddenly seating himself on the carpet, with a bang
to be thought eccentric, and.usually got tipsy at which made the lustres rattle, "I told you that
supper. We had very small poets, who utterly dis- if ever you dared to stay away from me on a meltbelieved in Byron and Moore, but believed a little in ing-day, I'd come for you myself. Now you come
one another, and violently in themselves, and wrote along. I've got a cab."
stumbling odes about skipping-ropes and public    He scrambled from the floor, and seized her by
executions. We had second-rate concert singers, the wrist. Since the abduction of Don Juan by the
chiefly with stubby fingers, who contributed greatly  statue, there never was so appalling a situation.
to the harmony of the evening, and sneered in But, apparently stupified, Mrs. Mornington Swale
corners at each other's performance. We had a silently yielded. They disappeared together, withfew young barristers, who, by way of advertising  out further explanation.
their profession, mangled over every thing with    But we agreed that though we had lost our
much elaborateness of manner, and blocked up the hostess, there would be no sense in losing our time.




ST. MICHAEL S EVE.                                  771
IiPi
Jiv7  Aim
So the German Count and the young lady with the discovered at six inl the morning, endeavoring to
Norma wreath stood up in the place of the depart- make a lamp-post in Bedford Square admit that he
ed. The quadrille was danced, and so were other wanted somebody to love him. But Mrs. Morningquadrilles, and supper was eaten, and all went ton Swale is as much a mystery as ever, and what
merrily-so merrily, that the German Count was is worse, she has given no more parties.
ST. MIC(HAEL'S  EVE.
BY EDMOND H. YATES.
I WILL tell to you a story, for in winter time we bore I As well might be expected, dispirited, dejected,
ye                                      But his rage within him  smouldered, nor ever
With many an ancient legend and tale of bygone       brightly burned.
time;
And methinks that there is in it enough to pass a Save when his daughter Alice would say in playful
minute,                                  Save when hs daughter Alce would say n playful
So, to add to my vain glory, I have put it into      malice,
rhyme.                                   That she loved the gallant Orange much better than
the Green;
As I heard it you shall hear it,-by  one whom I; And that as a maid she'd tarry, till she found a
revere, it        chance to marry
revere, it                                    one true to William her bold king and Mary
Was told me, as in childhood upon his knee I sat.  With one true to William, her bold king, and Mary,
It treats of days long vanished,-of the times of     her good queen.
James the Banished,
Ofperiwig and rapier, and quaint three-cornered hat. Then Sir Walter's brow would darken, and he'd
mutter, "Alice, hearken,
Sir Walter Ralph de Guyon, of a noble house the  By my child no such treason shall be spoken e'en
scion,                                         in jest;
Though his monarch was defeated, still held bravely  And bethink you, oh, my daughter! there is one
to his cause,                                  across the water
And foremost in the slaughter by the Boyne's ill- Who shall one day have his own again, though now
fated water                                    he's sore distressed."
Was seen his knightly cognizance,-a bear with
~~~bloody paws.  ~Little knew he that each even,'twixt the hours of
But when the fight was over, escaping under cover    six and seven,
Of the darkness and confusion, to England he re- Just below his daughter's casement a whistle low
turned,                                        was blown;




772                                 ST. MICHAEL'S EVE.
And that soon as e'er it sounded through the wicket-    While Abraham Cooper,
gate she bounded,                                A stalwart old trooper,
And was clasped in the embrace of one of bold    Expresses a hope that they'll " scrag" him.
"King William's Own."                      He conceives it "a pretty idea, as
To think that these Dutch furrineerers
Ay! De Ruyter was a gentleman, and high-bred            Should come here a-courtin',
were his people;                                  On our manors sportin';
No chapel-going folks were they, but loved a church    A set of young winkers and leerers!"
and steeple!
His blood, of every good Dutch race contained a     Sir Walter's brow grew black as night,
little sprinkle-                             He doubted if he heard aright;
A Knickerbocker was his sire, his aunt a Rip Van    " What, to my daughter kneeling here I
Winkle;                                      Methinks thou'rt daring, cavalier,
And so well he danced and sang, and kissed and      To venture'neath the gripe of one
talked so wondrous clever,                   Whose ancient race, from sire to son,
He gave this maiden's heart a twist, and conquer'd  Has ever, e'en in face of death,
it for ever!                                 Upheld that pure and holy faith
And being thus a captain gay, "condemned to           By thee and thine denied!
country quarters,"                           Or think'st thou that, to bow the knee
A favorite of his royal lord, adorned with stars and  And whisper words of gallantry
garters,                                     To one of English blood and birth,
He saw this young maid,                    Were pastime meet for hour of mirth?
As one day on parade                       God's life! before to-morrow's sun
He was gaily attired, all jackboots and braid.    Gilds yonder wood, thy race is run;
He stared, she but glanced,                Nought care I for thy foreign king,
Her charms it enhanced;                    From yon tall oak thy corpse shall swing,
She passed him quickly, he rested entranced!        Let good or ill betide!"
No orders he utters,
But vacantly mutters
(Though clamoring round him  his underlings           Away he is hurried,
All worried and flurried,
"She's to me Eloisa; to her I'll be Abelard!"    And locked in a chamber, dark, dirty, and small.
Huge barriers of iron
The windows environ,
And ever since that hour, whene'er he had the  And the door leads but into the banqueting-hall.
power,                                   The banqueting-hall is soon gaily lit up,
Across to bold Sir Walter's the captain bent his For Sir Walter loved dearly a well-filled cup,
path;                                            And sent to invite
At the garden-gate he met her-upon his knee he          Each guest that night,
set her-                                 With " Where you have dined, boys, why there you
And, vanquished by the daughter's love, forgot the    shall sup."
father's wrath:
Till when on the day in question, with a view to       In the banqueting-hall,
Till digestion,                                  Both great and small,
aid digestion,                               The cavalier knights, the retainers tall,
Some retainers of Sir Walter, who with their lorder                  the
Together are gathered-one and all.
had dined,
Bethought of promenading, what by Gamp is called
the "garding,"                             The red wine has flowed and taken effect
And, during their researches, what think ye they    On all, save poor Alice, who, distraite, deject,
should find?                               Has refused to take part in this riotous revel,
And wished those who did with the-Father of
Evil.
But a gallant captain kneeling, and apparently appealing,
To a dame who, to all seeming, was encouraging his The mirth was at its loudest, the humblest and the
suit;                                         proudest
All dishevelled were her tresses by the warmth of Were hobnobbing together, as though the dearest
his caresses,                                  friends;
And her eye with love was liquid, although her While some for wine were bawling, there were
voice was mute I                               others loudly calling
For a song,-that ancient fiction which e'er to
misery tends;
"A prize! a prize!" quoth these Papist spies,-misery tends;'"A'  prize for our gallant lord!"
And before poor De Ruyter awoke from surprise When Sir Walter grasped the table-rose, as well
They had pinioned his arms, they had bandaged      as he was ablehis eyes;                                And entreated for a moment that his guests would
And when he recovered, his first surmise            give him heed:
Was " At length, I am thoroughly floored!"    "'Tis St. Michael's Eve,-a time accursed by a crime
For assistance he calls, but they gag him,   Committed by my ancestor-a ruthless, bloody
And off to Sir Walter they drag him;                deed I




ST. MICHAEL'S EVE.                                    773' For during times of danger, a sable-armored'Tis just about his hour, if he really have the power,
stranger                                 We now shall see him. Heavens! he enters, by the
One night had roused the castle, and shelter had      Lord!"
implored;
Much gold, he said, he carried, and now too late had      Bang! clash!
tarried,                                          With a terrible crash,
To risk the chance of robbers, or to cross the          Flies open the bedroom door;
neighboring ford.                                   And out stalks a figure,
To their eyes much bigger
"He was shown into a bedroom, since that period    Than great Gog or Magog, more black than a
called the Red Room,                              nigger,
(You can see it," said Sir Walter, " for yonder is   In armor accoutred from head to heel,the door;                                   Black rusty old armor, not polished steel.
And there, in our safe keeping, the Dutchman now    His vizor is down, but he takes a sight,
is sleeping);                               Though he moves not his eyes to the left or right;
And from that room the stranger never, never is-   He says not a word, but he walks straight on,
sued more.                                  The hall doors ope at his step! he's gone!
He clanks'cross the court-yard, and enters the
"But throughout this ancient castle, each terror-       stable;
stricken vassal                             His footsteps are heard by the guests'neath the
Heard shriek on shriek resounding in the middle of      table,
the night;                                 For there they have hidden them every one.
And with the dawn of morning would each have'given warning,'                         There, shivering and shaking, they waited till the
But for one little obstacle yclept the'feudal right.'  breaking
Of the daylight showed the power of all ghosts was
"So no murm'ring e'er was uttered, and old Sir        at an end;
Brandreth muttered                       Then one by one uprising, declared it was surprising
That his visitor had left him as soon as break of That, overcome by liquor, each had dropped down
day;                                           by his friend;
But one thing worth attention Sir Brandreth didn't
mention,-                                Till the heart of each was lightened by finding that
He didn't take his armor; there in the room it lay.   as frightened
As he himself were all by the spiritual sight;
"And there it lies at present; but each credulous But their courage and their strength coming back
old peasant                                     to them at length,
Will tell you that upon this night the spectre walks They hasten to the prisoner's room, and find it
abroad;                                         vacant quite!
50




774                WHO MILKED MY COW; OR, THE MARINE GHOST.
Yes! De Ruyter had departed! for while lying all There was married to his charmer, thence sent back
downhearted,                                    the sable armor,
And thinking of poor Alice, he remembered just in  And asked Sir Walter's sanction to the good deed
time                                            he had done.
The spectre-walking legend-he had heard it from
a "peagant"
(Excuse the Gampism, reader, but I use it for the  My tale is nearly ended. Sir Walter, much offended
rhyme);                                  At the hoax played off upon him, would not listen
for awhile;
And on the instant bright'ning, he proceeded, quick  But regretting much his daughter, came at length
as lightning,                                   to town and sought her,
To dress him in the armor which the sable knight I For he missed her childish prattle and her fond enhad left;                                       dearing smile.
And he listened to the host, till, at mention of the
ghost,
He burst upon the drinkers, of their senses nigh And then, on this occasion, a grand reconciliation
bereft.                                  He had with young De Ruyter —ever after they
were friends.
He called Alice to the stable; then, as fast as he So having now. related the tale to me as stated,
was able,                                I take my humble leave of you, and here my story
Galloped off towards his quarters; then-ce to Lon-    ends.
don hastened on;
"WHO  MILKED  MY  COW?" OR, THE  MARINE  GHOST.
BY EDWARD HOWARD, R. N.
CAPTAIN the honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitz-   Well, there stood the seven /officers of his Maalban, of that beautiful ship his Majesty's frigate jesty's naval service round the arid cow, looking
Nmenia, loved many things. The first lieutenant, very like seven wise men just put to sea in a bowl.
the doctor, the marine officer, the officer and the    " Try again," said the captain to his servant. If
midshipman of the morning watch, had all assem- the attempt had been only fruitless, there had been
bled to breakfast in the cabin. They had not for- no matter for wonder; it was milkless.
gotten their appetites, particularly the gentlemen    "The fool can't milk," said the captain; then
of -the morning watch. They were barbarous and  turning round to his officers despondingly, he ex*irate in their hunger, as their eyes wandered over claimed, " gentlemen, can any of you?"
cold fowl and ham, hot rolls, grilled kidneys, and    Having all protested that they had left off, some
devilled legs of turkey.                       thirty, some forty, and some fifty years, according
"By all the stars in heaven," said the honorable  to their respective ages, and the marine officer saycommander, "no milk again this morning! Give ing that he never had had any practice at all, hayme, you rascally steward," continued the captain, ing been brought up by hand, the gallant and dis"a plain, straightforward, categorical answer. Why  appointed hero was obliged to order the boatswain's
does this infernal cow, for which I gave such a heap  mates to pass the word fore and aft, to send every
of dollars, give me no milk?"-" Well, sir," said  one to him who knew how to milk a cow.
the trembling servitor; "if, sir, you must have a    Seventeen Welshmen, sixty-five Irishmen, (all on
plain answer, I really-believe-it is-because-I board,) and four lads from Somersetshire made their
don't know."                                    appearance, moistened their fingers, and set to
" A dry answer," said the doctor, who was in  work, one after the other; yet there was no milk.
most senses a dry fellow.                         " What do you think of this, doctor?" said the
" You son of a shotten herring.!" said the cap- captain to him, taking him aside.
tain, " can you milk her?"-" Yes, sir."           " That the animal has been milked a few hours
"Then why, in the name of all that is good, before."
don't you?"-" I do, sir, but it won't come."   ". Hah! If I was sure of that. And the cow
" Then let us go," said the captain, quite re- could have been milked only by some one who could
signedly, "let us go, gentlemen, and see what ails milk?"
this infernal cow; I can't eat my breakfast without   " The inference seems indisputable."
milk, and breakfast is the meal that I generally    The captain turned upon the numerous aspirants
enjoy most."                                   for lacteal honors with no friendly eye, exclaiming
So he, leading the way, was followed by his sorrowfully, "Too many to flog, too many to flog.
company, who cast many a longing, lingering look  Let us return to our breakfast; though I shall not
behind.                                        be able to eat a morsel or drink a drop. Here,
Forward they went to where the cow was stalled boatswain's mate, pass the word round the ship that
by capstan-bars, as comfortably as a prebendary, I'll give five guineas reward to any one who will
between two of the guns on the maindeck. She tell me who milked the captain's cow."
seemed in excellent condition; ate her nutritious    The gentlemen then all retired to the cabin, and,
food with much appetite; and, from her appearance, with the exception of the captain, incontinently fell
the captain might have very reasonably expected, upon the good things. Now, the midshipman of
not only an ample supply of milk and cream for that morning's watch was a Mr. Littlejohn, usually
breakfast and tea, but also a sufficient quantity to  abbreviated into Jack Small. When Jack Small
afford him custards for dinner.                had disposed of three hot rolls, half a fowl, and a




WHO MILKED MY COW; OR, THE MARINE GHOST.                            775
pound of ham, and was handing in his plate for a resumed the captain, pouring very carefully what
well devilled turkey's thigh, his eye fell compassion- remained after the exactions of John Small into the
ately upon his fasting captain, and his heart opening cream-jug, and moving it close to his own plate.to the softer emotions as his stomach filled with his " It stands us rather dear, sir," said Mr. Littlejohn,
host's delicacies, the latter's want of the milk of the -" a dollar a bottle. We buy it of Joe Grummet,
cow stirred up within him his own milk of human the captain of the waisters."
kindness.                                       The captain and first lieutenant looked at each
"I am very sorry that you have no appetite," other unutterable things.
said Jack Small, with his mouth very full, and quite    Joe Grummet was in the cabin in an instant,
protectingly, to his skipper; "very sorry, indeed, and the captain bending upon him his sharp xand
sir; and, as you cannot make your breakfast with- angry glances. Joseph was a sly old file, a seaman
out any milk, I think, sir, that the midshipmen's to the backbone; and let the breeze blow from
berth could lend you a bottle."               what quarter of the compass it would, he had al"The devil they can, younker. Oh, oh! It's ways an eye to windward. Fifty years had a little
good and fresh, hey?"                        grizzled his strong black hair, and, though innova" Very good and fresh, sir," said the midshipman, tion had deprived him of the massive tail that whiramming down the words with a large wadding of lom hung behind, there were still some fancy curls
hot roll.                                     that corkscrewed themselves down his weather" We must borrow some of it, by all means," said stained temples; and, when he stood before the
the captain; "but let the midshipmen's servant captain, in one of these he hitched the first bend of
bring it here himself."                       the immense forefinger of his right hand. He hobThe necessary orders having been issued, the bled a little in his gait, owing to an ulextracted
bottle of milk and the boy appeared.          musket-ball that had lodged in his thigh; conse" Did you know," said Captain Fitzalban, turning  quently he never went aloft, and had been, for his
to his first lieutenant, " that the midshipmen's berth  merits and long services, appointed captain of the
was provided with milk, and that too after being at waist.
sea a month?"-" Indeed I did not; they are better   The Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban said
provided than we are, at least in this respect, in to the veteran mariner quickly, and pointing at the
the ward-room."                               same time to the empty bottle, "Grummet, you
"IDo you think,-do you think," said the captain, have milked my cow!"-" Unpossible, sir!" said
trembling with rage, " that any of the young black- Grummet, bobbing at a bow; "' downright unpiosguards dare milk my cow?"-" It is not easy to say sible, your honor."
what they dare not do."                         " Then, pray, whence comes the fresh milk you
However, the cork was drawn, and the milk sell every morning to the young gentlemen?"found not only to be very fresh indeed, but most " Please your honor, I took two or three dozen of
suspiciously new. In the latitude of the Caribbean bottles to sea with me on a kind o' speculation."
Islands, liquids in general are sufficiently warm, so    " Grummet, my man, I am afraid this will turn
the captain could not lay much stress upon that.   out a bad one for you. Go and show your hands
" As fine milk as ever I tasted," said the cap- to the doctor, and he'll ask you a few questions."
tain.                                           So Joseph Grummet went and expanded his flip"Very good indeed, sir," said the midshipman, pers before the eyes of the surgeon. They were
overflowing his cup and saucer with the delicious nearly as large and as shapely as the fins of a por-liquid.                                      poise, and quite of the color. They had been tanned
" Where do the young gentlemen procure it?" and tarred till their skin had become more durable




776                WHO MILKED MY COW; OR, THE MARINE GHOST.
than boot-leather, and they were quite rough enough    " Well! I will give you a dollar a-piece for all
to have rasped close-grained wood.            you have."
"I don't think our friend could have milked your   At this proposition Joseph Grummet shuffled
cow, Captain Fitzalban," said the doctor; " at least, about, not at all at his ease, now looking very saganot with his hands: they are rather calculated to  cious, now very foolish, till, at last, he brought
draw blood than milk.'                        down his features to express the most deprecating
Joseph rolled his eyes about and looked his inno- humility of which their iron texture was capable,
cence most pathetically. He was not yet quite out and he then whined forth, "I would not insult you,
of danger.                                    sir, by treating you all as one as a midshipman. No,
Now there was every reason in the world why your honor: I knows the respect that's due to you,
this cow should give the captain at least a gallon of -I couldn't think of letting you, sir, have a bottle
milk per diem-but one, and that he was most under three dollars-it wouldn't be at all respectful
anxious to discover. The cow was in the best con- like."
dition; since she had been embarked, the weather   "Grummet," said Captain Fitzalban, "you are
had been fine enough to have pleased Europa her- not only a thorough seaman, but a thorough knave.
self; she had plenty of provender, both dry and Now, have you the conscience to make me pay three
fresh. There were fragrant clover closely packed  dollars a bottle for nmy own milk?" —" Ah, sir, you
in bags, delicious oat-cakes-meal and water, and  don't know how much the secret has cost me."
fine junks of juicy plantain.-The cow throve, but   "Nor do you know how dearly it may cost you
gave no milk!                                 yet."
"So you brought a few dozen bottles of milk to   Joseph Grummet then brought into the cabin his
sea with you as a venture?" continued the man of remaining stock in trade, which, instead of eight or
medicine in his examination.-" I did, sir."   ten, was found to consist only of two bottles. The
" And where did you procure them?"-" At Eng- captain, though with evident chagrin, paid for them
lish Harbor, sir."                            honorably; and whilst the milkman pro temp. was
"May I ask of whom?"-" Madame Juliana, the knotting up the six dollars in the tie of the handfat free Negro woman."                        kerchief about his neck, the skipper said to him,
"Now, my man," said the doctor, looking a "Now, my man, since we part such good friends,
volume and a half of Galen, and holding up a cau- tell me your candid opinion concerning this cow of
tionary fore-finger-" now, my man, do not hope mine?"-" Why, sir, I thinks as how it's the good
to' deceive me. How did you prevent the acetous people as milks her."
fermentation from taking place in these bottles of   "The good people, who the devil are they?"milk?"                                       " The fairies, your honor."
The question certainly was a puzzler. Joe routed    " And what do they do with it?" —" Very few can
with his fingers among his hair for an answer. At tell, your honor; but those who gets it are always
length he fancied he perceived a glimmering of the  desarving folks."
doctor's meaning; so he hummed and ha-ed, until,   "Such as old wounded seamen, and captains of
the doctor's patience being exhausted, he repeated  the waist especially. Well, go along to your duty.
more peremptorily, " How did you prevent acetous Look out! cats love milk.",fermentation taking place in these bottles of milk?"   So Joseph Grummet went forth from the cabin
" By paying. ready money for them, sir," said the shrugging up his shoulders, with an ominous pre-badgered seaman, boldly.                     sentiment of scratches upon them. The captain,
" An excellent preventative against fermentation  the Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, gave the
certainly," said the captain, half smiling. " But marine officer orders to place a sentry night and
you answer the doctor like a fool."           day over his cow, and then dismissed his guests.
"I was never accused of such a thing, please   The honorable commander was, for the rest of
your honor, before, sir," said tarrybrecks, with all the day, in a most unconscionable ill-humor. The
his sheets and tacks aboard.                   ship's sails were beautifully trimmed, the breeze
"Very likely, my man, very likely," answered  was just what it ought to have been. The heavens
the captain, with a look that would have been in- above, and the waters below, were striving to outvaluable in a vinegar manufactory. " How did you smile each other. What then made the gallant capprevent this milk from turning sour?"        tain so miserable? He was thinking only of the
"Ah, sir!" said Grummet, now wide awake to  temerity of the man who had dared to milk his cow.
his danger: "if you please, sir, I humbly axes your   The first lieutenant touched his hat most respectpardon, but that's my secret."                fully to the Honorable Captain Augustus Fitzroy
"Then by all that's glorious I'll flog it out of you." Fitzalban, and acquainted him that the sun indi" I humbly hopes not, sir. I am sure your honor cated it to be twelve o'clock.
wbn't flog an old seaman who has fought with Howe    "Milk my cow!" said the captain abstractedly.
and Nelson, and who was wounded in the sarvice    "Had not that better be postponed till to-morbefore your honor was born; you won't flog him, row morning, Captain Fitzalban?' said the lieusir, only because he can't break his oath."   tenant, with a very little smile; " and in the mean
"So you have sworn not to divulge it, hey?"    time may we strike the bell, and pipe to dinner?"
" Ah, sir; if I might be so bold as to say so, your   The captain gazed upon the gallant officer sorhonor's a witch!"                            rowfully, and, as he shook his head, his looks said
" Take care of yourself, Joseph Grummet; I do as plainly as looks could speak, and with the deepest
advise you to take care of yourself. Folly is a great pathos, " They never milked his cow."
betrayer of secrets, Joseph. Cunning may milk    " Do what is necessary," at last he uttered; then
cows without discovery: however, I will never pulling his hat more over his eyes, he continued to
punish without proof. How many bottles of this pace the quarter-deck.
excellent milk have you yet left?"-" Eight or ten,   Now, though the Honorable Captain Augustus
sir, more or less, according to sarcumstances."  Fitzroy Fitzalban was the younger son of a noble



WHO MILKED MY COW; OR, THE MARINE GHOST.                              777
man, and enjoyed a very handsome patrimony, and  could nowhere be found. When by the means of
his temper had been thoroughly spoiled by that one of the assistant-surgeons, who had been immeprocess that is too often called education, yet his diately summoned, he had been sufficiently recovheart was sound, English, and noble. He revolted  ered to articulate, all the explanation they could
from doing an unjust action; yet he smarted dread- get from him was, that he had seen a ghost; and
fully under the impression that he was cheated and  the very mention of the fact, so great was his terror,
laughed at to his very face. He did not think that had almost caused a relapse.
Joseph Grummet had milked his cow, but he felt   " Send the poltroon here immediately: I'll ghost
assured that the same milk-dealing Joseph knew  him!" cried the enraged captain. In answer to
who did; yet was he too humane to introduce the this he was informed, that the man lay seriously ill
Inquisition on board his ship by extracting the in his hammock in the sick-bay, and that the doctor
truth by torture.                               was at that very moment with the patient.
The Honorable Captain Fitzroy Fitzalban slept   " I'll see him myself," said the captain.
late on the succeeding morning. He had been    As the honorable captain, with his cortege of officalled at daylight, pro forma, but had merely turned  cers, passed along the decks on his way to the sickfrom his left side to his right, muttering something  bay, he thought-or his sense of hearing most
about a cow. It must be supposed that the slum- grievously deceived him-that more than once he
bers of the morning indemnified him for the horrors heard sneering and gibing voices exclaim, " Who
of the night, for breakfast was on the table, and the  milked my cow?" but the moment he turned his
usual guests assembled, when the captain emerged  head in the direction from whence the sounds profrom the after-cabin.                           ceeded, he saw nothing but visages the most sancThere was no occasion to ask the pale and trem- timonious: indeed they, instead of the unfortunate
bling steward if the cow had given any milk that sentry, appeared to have seen the ghost. The capmorning.                                        tain's amiability that morning might have been exThe breakfast remained untouched by the cap- pressed by the algebraical term-minus a cipher.
tain, and passed off in active silence by his guests.   When the skipper hauled alongside the sick man,
Not wishing to excite more of the derision of Jack  he found that the doctor, having bled him, was
than was absolutely necessary, the captain, when  preparing to blister his head, the ship's barber at
he found that the various officers whom he had in- the time being occupied in very sedulously shaving
vited to breakfast had sufficiently "improved the it. The patient was fast putting himself upon an
occasion," as the methodists say, turned to the first equality to contend with his supernatural visitant,
lieutenant, who was again his guest, and asked him  by making a ghost of himself. He was in a high
if nothing had transpired on the over-night to war- fever and delirious,-unpleasant things in the West
rant a suspicion as to the lacteal felony.     Indies! All the captain could get from him was,
The first luff looked very mysterious, and not "The devil-flashes of fire-milk cow-horrible
wholly disposed to be communicative upon the sub- teeth-devil's cow-ship haunted-nine yards of
ject. He had been piously brought up, and was blue flame-throw cow overboard-go to heaven
not at all inclined to be sarcastic upon the score of — kicked the pail down-horns tipped with red-hot
visions or the visitation of ghosts; yet, at the same iron," and other rhapsodies to the same effect.
time, he did not wish to subject himself to the ridi-   From the man the captain went to the cow; but
cule of his captain, who had rationally enough post- she was looking excessively sleek, and mild, and
poned his belief in apparitions until he had seen one. amiable, and eating her breakfast with the relish of
Under these difficulties, he replied hesitatingly, that an outside mail-coach passenger. The captain shook
a ghost had been reported as having "come on his head, and thought himself the most persecuted,board before daylight in the morning, without of beings.
leave."                                           When this self-estimated injured character gained
"A ghost, Mr. Mitchell, come on board, and I the quarter-deck, he commenced ruminating on the
not called!" said the indignant captain: " By  propriety of flogging Joseph Grummet; for, with
heaven, sir, I would have turned out a guard of the loss of his cow's milk, he had lost all due sense
honor to have received him!  I would have sooner of human kindness. But, as the Lords of the Adhad a visit from his spirituality than from his Ex- miralty had lately insisted upon a report being forcellency the Spanish Ambassador.-The service, sir, warded to them  of every punishment that took
has come to a pretty pass, when a ghost can come place, the number of lashes, and the crime for which
on board, and leave the ship too, I presume, with- they were inflicted, the Honorable the Captain
out even so much as the boatswain to pipe the side. Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban thought that a report
So the ghost came, I suppose, and milked my  would look rather queer running thus: "Joseph
cow?"                                           Grummet, captain of the waist, six dozen, because
The first lieutenant, in answer, spoke with all my cow gave no milk," or, "because private mamanner of humility. He represented that he had  rine Snickchops saw a ghost," or, " for selling the
been educated as a seaman and as an officer, and  midshipmen sundry bottles of milk;" and this last
not for a doctor of divinity; therefore he could not imagination reminded him that there was one of
pretend to account for these preternatural visita- this highly-gifted class walking to leeward of him.
tions. He could only state the fact, and that not "Mr. Littlejohn!" said the captain with a voice
so well as the first lieutenant of marines. "He that crawled over the nerves like the screeching of
begged, therefore, to refer to him."            an ill-filed saw.
That officer was immediately sent for, and he    Small Jack touched his hat with more than usual
made his appearance accompanied by one of the respect to the exasperated officer, and then, stepsergeants, and then it was asserted that, when the ping to windward, humbly confronted him.
guard went round to relieve the sentries, they found    The captain was too angry for many words; so,
the man who had been stationed over the cow, ly- looking fearfully into the happy countenance of the
ing on the deck senseless in a fit, and his bayonet reefer, and pointing his fore-finger down perpendic



778           ~    WHO MILKED MY COW; OR, THE MARINE GHOST.
ularly, he laconically uttered, "Milk this morning?"   All that forenoon, the captain kept officers and
-" Yes, sir."                                   men exercising the great guns, running them in
" Good?"                                     and out, pointing them here and there; —sail-trimThe well-breakfasted midshipman licked his lips, mers aloft-boarders on the starboard bow-fireand smiled.                                     men down in the fore-hold: the men had not a
" Grummet?"-" Yes, sir."                    moment's respite, nor the officers either. How po"Tell the boatswain's mate to send him aft."-  tently in their hearts they d-d the cow, even
"Ay, ay, sir."                                 from the tips of her horns unto the tuft at the end
And there stood the captain of the waist, with  of her tail. Five secret resolves were made to
his hat in his hand, opposite to the captain of the  poison her that hard-worked morning. Mr. Small
ship. There was some difference between those  Jack, who was stationed at the foremast main-deck
two captains: —one verging upon old age, the other guns near her, gave her a kick every time the! pon manhood. The old man with but two articles order came from the quarter-deck to ram home wad
of dress upon his person, a canvas shirt and a can- and shot.
vass pair of trousers,-for in those latitudes shoes   Well, this sweltering work, under a tropical sun,
and stockings are dispensed with by the foremast proceeded till noon, the captain alternately swearmen, excepting on Sundays and when mustering at ing at the officers for want of energy, and exclaimdivisions; the other gay, and and almost gorgeous, ing to himself indignantly,. "How dare they milk
in white jeans, broadcloth, and gold. There they  my cow! There must be several concerned. Send
stood, the one the personification of meekness, the  the carpenter aft. Mr. Wedge, rig both the chainother of haughty anger. However firm might have pumps,-turn the water on in the well. Waisters!
been the captain's intentions to convict the man  man the pumps. Where's that Grummet?  Boatsbefore him by an intricate cross-examination, his wain's mates, out with your colts and lay them over
warmth of temper defeated them at once, for the  the shoulders of any man that shirks his duty: keep
old seaman looked more than usually innocent and  a sharp eye on the captain of the waist."
sheepish. This almost stolid equanimity was sadly    And thus the poor fellows had, for a finish to
provoking                                      their morning's labor, a half-hour of the most over"You insolent scoundrel!-who milked my cow  powering exertion to which you can set mortal
last night?"-" The Lord in heaven knows, your man,-that of working at the chain-pumps. When
honor.- Who could it be, sir, without it was the  Mr. Littlejohn saw elderly Joseph Grummet stripped
ghost who has laid that poor lad in his sick ham-  to the waist, the perspiration streaming down him
mock?"                                        in bucketfuls, and panting as it were for his very
"And I suppose that the ghost ordered you to  life, he, the said Small Jack, very rightly opined
hand the milk to the young gentlemen when he had  that no milk would be forthcoming next morning.
done?"-" Me, sir! Heaven save me! I never   At noon the men were as usual piped to dinner,
se'ed a ghost in my life."                      with an excellent appetite for their pork and pease,
"Hypocrite! the bottle you sold' the midship- and a thirsty relish for their grog; for which blessmen!"-" One your honor, I brought from Antigua, ings they had the cow alone to thank. They were
and which I overlooked yesterday."              very ungrateful.
"I shall not overlook it when I get you to the    No sooner was the hour of dinner over than the
ghngway. Go, Mr. Littlejohn, give orders to beat captain all of a sudden discovered that his ship's
to quarters the moment the men have had their company were not smart enough in reefing top-sails.
time."                                          So at it they went, racing up and down the rigging,




WHO MILKED MY COW; OR, THE MARINE GHOST.
tricing up and laying out, lowering away and hoist- creep through the decks as if on some errand of
ing, until six bells, three o'clock, when the angry  death, and the monotonous cry of the look-outs fell
and hungry captain went to his dinner. He had  drearily on the ear.
made himself more unpopular in that day than any    The first lieutenant and the officers of the watch
other commander in the fleet.                   had just begun to shake off their dreamy and fearful
The dinner was unsocial enough. When a man  impressions, to breathe more freely, and to walk
is not satisfied with himself, it is rarely that he is the deck with a firmer tread, when, from what was
satisfied with any body else. Now the whole ship's supposed to be the haunted spot, a low shriek was
company, officers as well as men, were divided into  heard, then a bustle, followed by half-stifled cries of
parties, and only two, respecting this affair of the  "The guard! the guard!"
cow; one believed in a supernatural, the other in a    The officers of the watch jumped down on to the
roguish agency; in numbers they were about equal, main-deck, the midshipmen rushed into the cabin
so that the captain stood in the pleasant predica- to call the captain, and men with and without lights
ment of being looked upon in a sinful light by one rushed forward to the rescue.
half of his crew, and in a ludicrous one by the other.   Deep in the darkness of the manger, there glared
However, as the night advanced, and the marine  an apparition that might more than justify the
who had seen the cow-spirit grew worse, the be- alarm. The spot where the phantom was seen, (we
lievers in the supernatural increased rapidly; and, pledge ourselves that we are relating facts,) was
as one sentinel was found unwilling to go alone, the  that part of a frigate which seamen call " the eyes
cow had the distinguished compliment of a guard  of her," directly under the foremost part of the foreof honor of two all night. The captain, with a  castle, where the cables run through the hawsescornful defiance of the spiritual, would allow of no  holes, and through which the bowsprit trends uplights to be shown, or of no extraordinary precau- wards. The whole place is called the manger. It
tions to be taken. He only signified his intentions is very often appropriated to the use of pigs, until
of having himself an interview with the ghost, and  they take their turn for the butcher's knife. This
for that purpose he walked the deck till midnight; was the strange locality that the ghost chose to
but the messenger from the land of spirits did not honor with its dreadful presence.
choose to show himself so early.                  From the united evidences of the many who saw
Let me hear no more any querulous talk of the  this ghastly avatar, it appeared only to have thrust
labor of getting butter to one's bread-no person  its huge head and a few feet of the forepart of its
could have toiled more than the Honorable Cap- body through the hawse-hole, the remainder of its
tain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban to get milk for his vast and voluminous tail hanging out of the ship
breakfast.                                      over its bows. The frightful head and the glaring
The two sentries were relieved at twelve o'clock, sockets of its eyes were distinctly marked in lineaand, for a quarter of an hour after, every thing re- ments of fire. Its jaws were stupendous, and its
maining dark and quiet about the haunted cow, the  triple row of sharp and long-fanged teeth seemed
captain went below and turned in, joyfully antici- to be gnashing for something mortal to devour. It
pative of milk and cream in the morning. He left, cast a pale blue halo of light around it, just suffiof course, the most positive orders that the moment cient to show the outlines of the den it had selected
the ghost appeared, he should be called.        in which to make its unwelcome appearance. -Noise
Mr. Mitchell, the pious first lieutenant, remained  it made none, though several of the spectators fanon deck, determined to see the sequel; told the  cied that they heard a gibbering of unearthly sounds;
master he was much troubled in spirit, and he  and Mr. Littlejohn swore the next day upon his
thought, with all due deference to the articles of John Hamilton Moore, that it. mooed dolefully like
war, and respect for the captain, that he was little  a young bullock crossed in love.
better than an infidel, and an over bold tempter of   To describe the, confusion on the. main-deck,
God's providence. The master remarked in reply, whilst officers, seamen, and marines were gazing on
that it was an affair entirely out of soundings; but this spectre, so like the fiery spirit of the Yankee
very sagely concluded that they should see what sea-serpent, is a task from which I shrink, knowing
they should see, even if they saw nothing.      that language cannot do it adequately. The first
It was a beautiful night-darkly, yet, at the same lieutenant stood in the middle of the group, not
time, brightly beautiful. There was no moon. The merely transfixed, but paralysed with fear; men
pure fires above were like scintillations from the  were tumbling over each other, shouting, praying,
crown of God's glory. Though the heavens were swearing. Up from the dark holds, like shrouded
thus starred with splendors, it was deeply, though  ghosts, the watch below, in their shirts, sprang
clearly, dark on the ocean. There was a gentle  from their hammocks; and for many, one look was
breeze that was only sufficient to make the sails enough, and the head would vanish immediately in
draw, and the noble frigate walked stately, yet ma- the dark profound. The shouting for lights, and
jestically onwards.                              loaded muskets and pistols was terrible; and the
Forward on the main-deck the darkness was Cim- orders to advance were so eagerly reiterated, that
merian. When lights had been last there, at the  none had leisure to obey them.
relieving of the sentinels, the cow had laid herself   But the cow herself did not present the least imquietly down upon her litter, and seemed to be in  posing feature in this picture of horror. She forma profound sleep; the first hour after midnight was ed, as it were, the barrier between mortality and
passed, and all was hushed as death, save those  spirituality-all beyond her was horrible and specnoises that indicate what else would be absolute si- tral; by her fright she seemed to acknowledge the
lence more strongly. There was the whispering  presence of a preternatural being. Her legs were
ripple of the sea, the dull creaking of the tiller- stiff and extended, her tail standing out like that of
ropes, and the stealthy step of the sentinels: these  an angered lion, and she kept a continued strain
sounds, and these only, were painfully distinct. upon the halter with which she was tethered to a
One bell struck, and its solemn echoes seemed to  ring-bolt in the ship's side.




780                WHO MILKED MY COW; OR,. THE MARINE GHOST.
By this time, several of the ward-room officers, was drawn out, and thus the world was spared a
and most of the midshipmen, had reached the scene  second tale of a tub. But there was something in
of action.  Pistols were no longer wanting, and  the spirit of the aristocratic Fitzalban that neither
loaded ones too. Three shots were fired into the  cows, ghosts, nor turtle-haunted water could submanger, with what aim it is impossible to specify, due. Wet as he was, and suffering also from the
at the spectre. They did not seem to annoy his contusions of the cow's horns, he immediately orghostship in the least; without an indication of his dered more light, and proceeded to search for the
beginning to grow hungry might be deemed so. As ghost,-prolific parent of all his mishaps.
the shot whistled past him, he worked his huge and    Well escorted, he visited the manger, but the
fiery jaws most ravenously.                     most scrutinizing search could discover nothing
"Well," said the second lieutenant, "let us give extraordinary.  The place seemed to have been
the gentleman another shot, and then come to close undisturbed, nor once to have departed from its
quarters. Mr. Mitchell you have a pistol in your usual solitariness and dirt. There was not even so
hand: fire!"                                   much as a smell of sulphur on the spot where the
"In the name of the Holy Trinity!" said the  spectre had appeared, nor were there any signs of
superstitious first; "there!" Bang! and the shot wet, which, supposing the thing seen had been a
took effect deep in the loins of the unfortunate  real animal, would have been the case, had it come
cow.                                            from the sea through one of the hawse-holes. The
At this precise moment, Captain the Honorable  whole affair was involved in the most profound
Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban rushed from his cabin  mystery. The honorable captain, therefore, came
forward, attired in a rich flowered silk morning- to the conclusion that nothing,whatever had apgown, in which scarlet predominated. He held a peared, and that the whole was the creation of
pistol cocked in each hand; and, as he broke  cowardice.
through the crowd, he bellowed forth lustily,   Hot with rage, and aguish with cold, he retired
"Where's the ghost? let me see the ghost!"  He to his cabin, vowing all manner of impossible venwas soon in.the van of the astonished gazers; but, geance, muttering about court-martials, and soldisappointed Fitzalban! he saw no ghost, because, emnly protesting that Mr. Mitchell, the first lieuas the man says in the Critic, "'twas not in sight." tenant, should pay him for the cow that he had so
Immediately the honorable captain had gained  wantonly shot.
his station, the much wronged and persecuted cow,   Blank were the countenances of many the next
galled by her wound, with a mortal effort snapped  morning. The first lieutenant was not, as usual,
the rope with which she was fastened, and then, asked to breakfast. There was distrust and divilowering her horned head nearly level with the  sion in his Majesty's ship Naenia, and the Honordeck, and flourishing her tail after the manner that able the Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban had
an Irishman flourishes his shillelah before he com- several severe contusions on his noble person, a
mences occipital operations, she rushed upon the  bad cold, and no milk for breakfast; an accumulacrowded phalanx before her. At this instant, as if tion of evils that one of the aristocracy ought not
its supernatural mission had been completed, the  to be obliged to bear. Though Mr. Mitchell did
spirit vanished.                                not breakfast with the captain, Jack Small, alias
The ideal having decamped, those concerned  Small Jack, alias Mr. Littlejohn, did. The only athad to save themselves from the well followed up tempt of the captain that morning at conversation
assaults of the real. The captain flew before the  was as follows. With a voice that croaked like a
pursuing horns, d-ning the cow in all the varie- raven's at the point of death, evidence externe of an
ties of condemnation. But she was generous, and  abominable sore-throat, the captain merely said to
she attached herself to him with an unwonted, or the reefer, pointing his forefinger downwards, as he
rather an  unwanted, fidelity.  Lanterns were  did the day before, "Milk?"
crushed and men overthrown, and laughter now    Mr. Littlejohn shook his head dolefully, and rearose amidst the shouts of dismay. The seamen  plied, "No, sir."
tried to impede the progress of the furious animal   "My cow died last night," said the afflicted comby throwing down before her lashed-up hammocks, mander, with a pathos that would have wrung the
and by seizing her behind by the tail: but, woe is heart of a stone statue-if it could have heard it.
me! the Honorable the Captain Augustus Fitzroy    "If you please, sir," said the steward, "Mr.
Fitzalban could not run so fast in his variegated  Mitchell sends his compliments, and would be very
and scarlet flowered silk dressing-gown as a cow in  glad to know what you would have done with the
the agonies of death; for he had just reached that dead cow."-"My compliments to Mr. Mitchell,
asylum  of safety, his cabin door, when the cow  and he may do whatever he likes with it. He shot
took him up very carefully with her horns, and first it, and must pay' me for it: let him eat it if he
giving him a monitory shake, then with an inclina- will."
tion to port, she tossed him right over the ward-   The first lieutenant and the captain were, after
room sky-light, and deposited him very gingerly in  this, not on speaking terms for three months.
the turtle-tub that stood lashed on the larboard  Several duels had very nearly been fought about
side of the half-deck. This exertion was her last; the ghost; those who had not seen it, branding
for immediately after falling upon her knees, and  those who had with an imputation only a little
then gently rolling over, to use an Homeric ex- short of cowardice; those who had seen it, becompression, her soul issued from  her wound, and  ing for a few weeks very religious, and firmly resought the shades below appropriated to the souls solving henceforward to get drunk only in pious
of cows.                                       company. The carcase of the cow was properly
In the mean time, the captain was sprawling  dressed and cut up, but few were found who would
about, and contending with his turtle for room, and  eat of it; the majority- of the seamen thinking that
he stood a very good chance of being drowned  the animal had been bewitched: the captain, of
even in a tub; but assistance speedily arriving, he course, would take none of it, unless Mr. Mitchell




BOXIANA..781
would permit him to pay him for it at so much per there saw many of the officers who were taking
pound, as he pertinaciously pretended to consider leave of their old commander.
it to be the property of the first lieutenant. Con-   "Well, Grummet," said the skipper, "what
sequently, the animal was nearly shared between now?"
the midshipmen's berth and the mess of which Jo-   "Please your honor, you offered five guineas to
seph Grummet, the captain of the waist, was an un- anybody who would tell you who milked the cow."
worthy member.                                   "And so I will gladly," said the captain, pleaThe day following the death of the cow, Joseph santly, "if the same person will unravel the mysGrummet was found loitering about the door of the tery of the ghost."  And he turned a triumphant
young gentlemen's berth.                       look upon the believers in spirits who stood around
"Any milk to-morrow, Joseph?" said the cater- him.
er. —" No, sir," with a most sensible shake of the    "I milked your cow, sir."
head.                                            "Ah! Joseph, Joseph! it was unkindly done.
" Oh! —the cow has given up the ghost!"-"And But with your hands?"-" We widened a pair of
somebody else too r'  This simple expression seemed Mr. Littlejohn's kid-gloves, sir."
to have much relieved Joe's overcharged bosom: he    "I knew that little rascal was at the bottom of
turned his quid in his mouth with evident satisfac- it! but there is honor in the midshipmen's berth
tion, grinned, and was shortly after lost in the still. What is the reason that they thus sought to
darkness forward.                              deprive me of my property?"-" You wouldn't
allow them to take any live stock on board that
There never yet was a ghost story that did not cruise, sir."
prove a very simple affair when the key to it was   "So-so-wild justice, hey?  But come to the
found. The captain of the Nmenia never would be- ghost."-" Why, sir, I wanted to have the cow unlieve that any thing uncommon was ever seen at watched for a quarter of an hour every middle
all. He was, however, as much in the wrong as watch; so I took the shark's head we had caught
those who believed that they had seen a ghost. a day or two before, scraped off most of the flesh,
The occurrence could not be forgotten, though it and whipped it in a bread-bag,-it shone brighter
ceased to be talked of.                        in the dark than stinking mackerel: —so I whips
Two years after, the ship came to England, and him out when I wants him, and wabbles his jaws
was paid off. Joseph Grummet bagged his notes about. I was safely stowed under the bowsprit
and his sovereigns with much satisfaction; but he from your shot; and when your honor walked in
did not jump like a fool into the first boat, and rush  on one side of the manger, I walked, with my head
ashore to scatter his hard-earned wages among under my arm, out of the other."
Jews, and people still worse:, he stayed till the last   "Well, Joseph, there are your five guineas: and,
man, and anxiously watched for the moment when gentlemen," said the Honorable the Captain Authe pennant should be hauled down. When he gustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, bowing to his officers, "I
saw this fairly done, he asked leave to speak to the  wish you joy of your ghost  "
captain. He was ushered into the cabin, and he
B OXIANA.
ANON.
I RATE the very name of box;                   I had a pretty garden there,
It fills me full of fears;                     All border'd round with box;
It minds me of the woes I've felt,             But, ah, alas! there liv'd next door,
Since I was young in years.                    A certain Captain Knox.
They sent me to a Yorkshire school,            He took my wife to see the play;Where I had many knocks;                       They had a private box:
For there my schoolmates box'd my ears,        I jealous grew, and from that day,
Because I couldn't box.                        I hated Captain Knox.
I pack'd my box; I pick'd the locks,           I sold my house, —I left my wife;
And ran away to sea;                           And went to Lawyer Fox,
And very-soon I learnt to box                  Who tempted me to seek redress
The compass merrily.                           All from a jury box.
I came ashore-I call'd a coach,                I went to law, whose greedy maw
And mounted on the box;                        Soon emptied my strong box;
The coach upset against a post,                I lost my suit, and cash to boot,
And gave me dreadful knocks.                   All thro' that crafty Fox.
I soon got well; in love I fell,               The name of box I therefore dread,
And married Martha Cox;                        I've had so many shocks;
To please her will at fam'd Box Hill,          They'll never end,-for when I'm dead,
I took a country box.                          They'll nail me in a box.




W78                           THE LAST STAGE COACHMAN.
THE  LAST  STAGE  COACHMAN.
BY W. WILKIE COLLINS.                                    
\Q\\\\     HE Last Stage Coachman! It falls upon
the ear of every one but a shareholder
in railways, with a boding, melancholy
sound. In spite of our natural reverence for the wonders of science, our
~ &\\\\$    hearts grow heavy at the thought of
never again beholding the sweet-smelling nose-.l
(,,,,   gay, the unimpeachable top-boots, and fair white
breeches; once so prominent as the uniform of
the fraternity. With all our respect for expedi-                l
tious and business-like travelling, we experience
a feeling nearly akin to disgust, at being marshalled to our places by a
bell and a fellow with a badge on his shoulder; instead of hearing the
cheery summons "Now then, gentlemen," and being regaled by a short
and instructive conversation with a ruddy-faced personage in a dustless
olive-green coat and prismatic belcher handkerchief. What did we want                  il
with smoke?  Had we not the coachman's cigar, if we were desirous of                    J
observing its shapes and appearances?  Who would be so unreasonable as
to languish for steam, when he could inhale it on a cool, autumnal morning, naturally concocted from the backs of four blood horses?  Who!-      Ii  i 
Alas! we maypropose questions and find out answers to the end of the       /I /
chapter, and yet fail in reforming the perverted taste of the present generation; we know that the attempt is useless, and we give up in sorrowful
and philosophic resignation, and proceed undaunted by the probable sneers
of railway directors, to the recital ofA VISION.
Methought I walked forth one autumn evening, to observe the arrival of
a stage coach. I wandered on, yet nothing of the kind met my eye. I
tried many an-old public road-they were now grass-grown and miry, or
desecrated by the abominable presence of a " station."  I wended my way
towards a famous roadside inn: it was desolate and silent, or in other
words, "To Let."  I looked for "the commercial room:" not a pot of       i
beer adorned the mouldering tables, and not a pipe lay scattered over the  i 
wild and beautiful seclusions of its once numerous "boxes."  It was deserted and useless; the voice of the traveller rung no longer round its
walls, and the merry horn of the guard startled no more the sleepy few,           O 
who once congregated round its hospitable door. The chill fire-place and
broad, antiquated mantel-piece, presented but one bill-the starting time of        H
an adjacent railroad; surmounted by a representation of those engines of
destruction, in dull, frowsy lithograph.
I turned to the yard. Where was the ostler with his unbraced breeches
and his upturned' shirt sleeves? Where was the stable boy with his wisp        1o
of straw and his sieve of oats?  Where were the coquettish mares and the  // 
tall blood horses?  Where was the manger and the stable door? —All          t
gone-all disappeared; the buildings dilapidated and tottering —of what
use is a stable to a stoker?  The ostler:and the stable boy had passed




THE LAST STAGE COACHMAN.                                  783
away —what fellowship have either with a boiler? wos determined my last kick to have some passengers
The inn yard was no more! The very dunghill in  to show to the rail, so I took my wife and children
its farthest corner was choked by dust and old'cos nobody else wouldn't go, and then we guv' in.
bricks; and the cock, the pride of the country  Hows'ever, the last time as I wos on the road, I
round, clamored no longer on the ruined and un- didn't go and show'em an empty coach —we wasn't
sightly wall. I thought it was possible that he had  full, but we wasn't empty; we wos game to the last!"
satisfied long since the cravings of a railway com-   A grim smile of triumph lit up the features of the
mittee; and I sat down on a ruined water-tub to  deposed coachman, as he gave vent to this assertion.
give way to the melancholy reflections called up by  He took hold of me by the button-hole, and led the
the sight before me.                            way into the house.
I know not how long I meditated. There was   "This landlord wos an austerious sort of a man,"
no officious waiter to ask me, "What I would please said he; " he used to hobserve, that he only wished
to order?"  No chambermaid to simper out, "This a Railway Committee would dine at his house, he'd
way, Sir," —not even a stray cat to claim acquaint- pison'em all, and emigrate; and he'd ha' done it,
ance with the calves of my legs, or a horse's hoof too!"
to tread upon my toe. There was nothing to dis-   I did not venture to doubt this, so the stage
turb my miserable reverie, and I anathematized  coachman continued:
railways without distinction or exception.        "I've smoked my pipe by the hour together in
The distant sound of slow and stealthy footsteps that fire-place; I've read' The Times' advertiseat last attracted my attention. I looked to the far ments and Perlice Reports in that box till I fell
end of the yard. Heavens above! a stage coach- asleep; I've walked up and down this here room a
man was pacing its worn and weedy pavement.    saying all sorts of things about the rail, and a bustThere was no mistaking him-he wore the low- ing for happiness. Outside this wery door I've bin
crowned, broad-brimmed, whitey-brown, well-brush- a drownded in thankys from ladies for never lettin'
ed hat; the voluminous checked neckcloth; the nobody step through their band-boxes. The chamample-skirted  coat; the striped waistcoat;, the bermaids used to smile, and the dogs used to bark,
white cords; and last, not least, the immortal boots. wherever I came.-But it's all over now-the poor
But alas! the calf that had once filled them  out, feller as kep' this place takes tickets at a Station,
had disappeared; they clanked heavily on the pave- and the chambermaids makes scalding hot tea bement, instead of creaking tightly and noisily where- hind a mahogany counter for the people as has no
ever he went. His waistcoat, evidently once filled  time to drink it in!"
almost to bursting, hung in loose, uncomfortable    As the stage coachman uttered these words, a
folds about his emaciated waist; large wrinkles contemptuous sneer puckered his sallow cheek. He
marred the former beauty of the fit of his coat; led me back into the yard; the ruined appearance
and his face was all lines and furrows, instead of of which looked doubly mournful, under the faint
smiles and jollity. The spirit of the fraternity had  rays of moonlight that every here and there stole
passed away from him-he was the stage coachman  through the dilapidated walls of the stable.  An
only in dress.                                 owl had taken up his abode, where the chief ostler's
He walked backwards and forwards for some time bedroom had once rejoiced in the grotesque mawithout turning his head one way or the other, jesty of huge portraits of every winner of every
except now and then to peer into the deserted  "Derby," since the first days of Epsom. The bird
stable, or to glance mournfully at the whip he held  of night flew heavily off at our approach, and my
in his hand; at last, the sound of the arrival of a companion pointed gloomily up to the fragments of
train struck upon his ear!                      mouldy, worm-eaten wood, the last relics of the
He drew himself up to his full height, slowly and stable loft.
solemnly shook his clenched fist in the direction of   "He wos a great friend of mine,was that h'ostler,"
the sound, and looked-Oh that look! it spoke an- said the coachman, "but he's left this railwaynihilation to the mightiest engine upon the rail, it bothered world-he was finished by the train."
scoffed at steam, and flashed furious derision at the    At my earnest entreaty to hear further, he conlargest terminus.that ever was erected; it was an tinued,
awfully comprehensive look-the concentrated es-   "When this h'old place wos guv' up and ruinated,
sence of the fierce and deadly enmity of all the the h'ostler, as'ud never look at the rail before,
stage coachmen in England to steam conveyance.   went down to have a sight of it, and as he wos a
To my utter astonishment, not, it must be owned, leaning his elbows on the wall, and a wishing as
unmixed with fear, he suddenly turned his eyes to- how he had the stabling of all the steam h'ingines
wards my place of shelter, and walked up to me.   (he'd ha' done'em justice!) wot should he see, but
"That's the rail," said he, between his set teeth. one of his osses as wos thrown out of employ by
"It is," said I, considerably embarrassed.   the rail, a walking along jist where the train was
"D —n it!" returned the excited stage coach- coming. Bill jumped down, and as he wos a leadman.                                           ing of him h'off, up comes the train, and went over
There was something inexpressibly awful about his leg and cut the'os in two-' Tom,' says he to
this execration; *nd I confess I felt a strong inter- me when we picked him up;'I'm a going eleven
nal conviction that the next day's paper would teem  mile an hour, to the last stage as is left for me to
with horrible railway accidents in every column.    do. I've always- done my dooty with the osses;
" I did my utmost to hoppose'em," said the stage I've bin and done it now-bury that ere poor os
coachman, in softened accents. "I wos the last and me out of the noise of the rail.' We got the
that guv' in; I kep' a losing day after day, and yet surgeons to him, but he never spoke no more, Poor
I worked on; I was determined to do my dooty,:Bill! Poor Bill!"
and I drove a coach the last. day with an old hoo-   This last recollection seemed too much for the
man and a carpet bag inside, and three -little boys stage coachman, he' wrung my hand, and walked
and seven whopping empty portmanteaus outside. I abruptly to the farthest corner of the yard.




784                                  NEIGHBOR  NELLY.
I took care not to interrupt him, and watched   In place of luggage, fragments of broken steam
him carefully from a distance.                  carriages, and red carpet bags filled with other meAt first, the one expression of his countenance  mentoes of railway accidents, occupied the roof.
was melancholy; but by degrees, other thoughts Chance passengers appeared to be the only tenants
came crowding from his mind, and mantled on his of the outside places. In front sat Julius Casar and
woe-begone visage. Poor fellow, I could see that Mrs. Hannah Moore; and behind, Sir Joseph Banks
he was again in imagination the beloved of the andMrs. Brownrigge. Of all the "insides,"Icould,
ladies and the adored of the chambermaids: a faint I grieve to say, see nothing.
reflection of the affable, yet majestic demeanor,   On the box, was a little man with fuzzy hair and
required by his calling, flitted. occasionally over large iron-gray whiskers; clothed in a coat of enhis pinched, attenuated features; and brightened  gineers' skin, with gloves of the hide of railway
the cold, melancholy expression of his counte- police. He pulled up opposite my friend, and bownance.                                         ing profoundly, motioned him to the box seat.
As I still looked, it grew darker and darker, yet   A gleam of unutterable joy irradiated the stage
the face of the stage coachman was never for an  coachman's countenance, as he stepped lightly into
instant hidden from me. The same artificial expres- his place, seized the reins, and with one hearty
sion of pleasure characterized its lineaments as be- " good night," addressed to an imaginary inn-full of
fore. Suddenly I heard a strange, unnatural noise people, started the horses.
in the air —now it seemed like the distant trampling    Off they drove! my friend in the plenitude of his
of horses; and now again, like the rumbling of a satisfaction cracking the whip every instant, as he
heavily laden coach along the public road. A faint, drove the phantom coach into the air. And amidst
sickly light, spread itself over that part of the the shrieks of the railway directors at the wheel,
heavens whence the sounds proceeded; and after the groans of James Watt, the bugle of the guard,
an interval, a fully equipped stage coach appeared  and the tremendous cursing of the invisible "inin the clouds, with a railway director strapped fast sides," fast and furiously disappeared from  my
to each wheel, and a stoker between the teeth of eyes.
each of the four horses.
~';%~     THE1 LAST.
NEIGHBOR NELLY.
ANONYMOUS.
I'M in love with Neighbor Nelly,                I adore my Neighbor Nelly;
Though I know she's only ten;                   I invite her into tea,
While I am eight-and-forty,                     And I let her nurse the baby,
And the marriedest of men.                      Her delightful ways to see.
I've a wife that weighs me double,              Such a darling bud of woman!
I've three daughters all with beaux;            Yet remote from any teensI've a son with noble whiskers,                 I have learnt from Neighbor Nelly
Who at me turns up his nose.                    What the girl's doll instinct means.
Though a Squaretoes and a Buffer,               O, to see her with the baby,
Yet I've sunshine in my heart;                 (He adores her more than I,)
Still, I'm fond of cakes and marbles-           How she choruses his crowing,
Can appreciate a tart,                          How she hushes every cry!
I can love my Neighbor Nelly                    How she loves to pit his dimples,
Just as though I were a boy,                    With her light forefinger deep;
And would hand her cakes and apples             How she boasts, as one in triumph,
From my depths of corduroy.                     When she gets him off to sleep!
She is tall, and growing taller;                We must part, my Neighbor Nelly,
She is vigorous of limb;                        For the summers quickly flee,
(You should see her play at cricket            And the middle-aged admirer,
With her little brother Jim!)                  Must, too soon, supplanted be.
She has eyes as blue as damsons;               Yet, as jealous as a mother,
She has pounds of auburn curls:                A suspicious, canker'd churlShe regrets the game of leap-frog              I look vainly for the setting
Is. prohibited to girls!                       To be worthy such a pearl!




THE NEW  TALE OF A TUB.                                   785
THE NEW TALE OF A TUB.
BY F. W. N. BAYLEY.
THE Orient day was fresh and fair,                  And as stiff as if it were starching:
A breeze sang soft in the ambient air,          When up to it, over the brown and green
Men almost wondered to find it there            Of that Indian soil, were suddenly seen
Blowing so near Bengal,                         Two gentlemen anxiously marching!
Where waters bubble as boiled in a pot,         Those two gentlemen were, if you please,
And the gold of the sun spreads melting hot,    The aforesaid couple of Bengalese!
And there's hardly a breath of wild to be got       And the Tub or Barrel that stood beyondAt any price at all!                       For short we will call it Tub!Unless, indeed, when the great Simoom                   Contained with pride,
Gets up from its bed with the voice of doom;            In its jolly inside,
And deserts no rains e'er drench                The prize of which they were dotingly fond,
Rise up and roar with a dreadful gust,          The aforesaid gentlemen's grub!
Pillars of sand and clouds of dust
Rushing on drifted, and rapid to burst,
And filling all India's throat with thirst      "Leave us alone-come man or come beast,"
That its Ganges couldn't quench!            Said the eldest, " We'll soon have a shy at the
feast!"
No great Simoom rose up to-day,
Bun t only a gentle breeze,                 They are now at their pic-nic with might and with
And that of such silent and voiceless play                main.
That a lady's bustle                   But what do we see in the front of the plain?
Had made more rustle                       A jungle, a thicket of bush, weed, and grass,
Than it did among the trees!                    And in it reposing-eh-no! not an ass-'Twas not like the breath of a British vale,        Not an ass, not an ass, that could not come
Where each Green acre is blessed with a Gale              to pass;
Whenever the natives please;               No donkey, no donkey, no donkey at all,
But it was of that soft inviting sort,          But superb in his slumber, a Royal Bengal!
That it tempted to revel in pic-nic sport           Tho' Royal, he wasn't a king!
A couple of Bengalese I                         No such thing!
IHe didn't rule lands from the Thames to the
Two Bengalese,                                        Niger,
Resolved to seize                               But he did hold a reign
The balmy chance of that cool-wing'd weather,       O'er that jungle and plain,
To revel in Bengal ease together.               And, besides, was a very magnificent Tiger!
One was tall, the, other was stout,
They were natives both of the glorious East,
And both so fond of a rural feast,                  There he lay, in his skin so gay,
That off they roam'd to a country plain         His passions at rest, and his appetites curbed;
Where the breeze roved free about,                  A Minister Prime,
That during its visits brief, at least,                 In his proudest time,
If it never were able to blow again,            Asleep, was never less undisturbed;
It might blow upon their blow-out!                  For who would come to shake him?
Oh! it's certain sure, in his dream demure,
That none would dare to wake him.
The country plain gave a view as small            Only the Royal snore may creep
As ever man clapped his eyes on,              Over the dreams of a Tiger's sleep!
Where the sense of sight did easily pall,
For it kept on seeing nothing at all,
As far as the far horizon!                 The Bengalese, in cool apparel,
Nothing at all!-Oh! what do I say,             Meanwhile have reached their pic-nic barrel;
Something certainly stood in the way,           In other words, they have tossed the grub
(Though it had neither cloth nor tray,          Out of their great provision Tub,
With its "tiffin" I wouldn't quarrel,)          And standing it up for shelter,
It was a sort of hermaphrodite thing,           Sit guzzling underneath its shade,
(-It might have been filled with sugar or ling  With a glorious dinner ready-made,
But Is very unfit for a Muse to sing,-)             Which they're eating helter-skelter!
Betwixt a tub and a barrel!                Ham and chicken, and bread and cheese,
They make a pass to spread oni the grass.
They sit at ease, with their plates on their knees,
It stood in the midst of that Indian plain,     And now their hungry jaws they appease,
Burning with sunshine-pining for rain,'             And now they turn to the glass;
— A parenthesis balanced'twixt pleasure and            For Hodgson's ale
pain,-                                       Is genuine pale,




786                             THE NEW  TALE OF A TUB.
And the bright champagne                    What terrors seize
Flows not in vain,                          The Bengalese!
The most convivial souls to please              As the roar of the tiger reaches the ear,
Of these very thirsty Bengalese!               Their hair is standing on end with fear;
"Short-and-stout," with his hair all gray,
Has a rattling note, in his jolly old throat:
Ha! one of the two has relinquished his fork,        If choking his laugh with a truss of hay,
And wakes up the Tiger by drawing a cork!           He couldn't more surely have stifled the gay.
While "Tall-and-thin," with his hair all carroty,
Looks thrice as red, with fright, as his head
Blurting and spirting!                         And his face bounds plump, at a single jump,
List! 0 list!                               Into horror, and out of hilarity!
Perhaps the Tiger thinks he is hiss'd!          All they can hear, in their terrible fear,
Effervescing and whizzed and phizzed!               Behind and before, is the Tiger's roar;
Perhaps his Majesty thinks he is quizzed!            Again and again-over the plain.
Or haply deems,'Clearer and clearer-nearer and nearer!
As he's roused from his dreams,             Into the tub, now, its way it has found,
That his visions have come to a thirsty stop,   Where its echoes keep rolling round and round,
And resolves to moisten his throat with a drop!   Till out of the bung-hole they bursting come,
Like a regiment of thunders escaped from a
drum!
At all events, with body and soul,
He gives in his jungle a stretch and a roll,
He gives in his jungle   a stretch and a roll,  If an earthquake had shattered a thousand kegs,
Then regally rises to go for a stroll,          The terrified Benalese couldn't  i' fegs
With a temperate mind,                                                d
For a beast of his kind,                    Have leapt more rapidly on to their legs.
And a tail uncommonly long behind!'He's at'em, he's on'em, the jungle guest:
He knows of no water,                       When a man's life by peril is prest,
He knows of no water,
By field or by flood;                     His wits will sometimes be at their best;
He does not seek slaughter,             So the presence of Tiger, I find,
He does not scent blood;              Inspires our heroes with presence of mind!
He does not scent blood;I
No!  the utmost scope                   There's no time to be lost,
Of his limited hope,                    Down the glasses are tost;
Is, that these                      The Bengalese have abandon'd their grub,
Bengalese,                          And they're dodging their gentleman round the
When they find he arrives,                                 Tub!
May not rise from their pic-nic and run for their   Active and earnest, they nowhere lodge,
lives,                                And he can't get at them because of their dodge;
"Short-and-stout" and "Tall-and-thin"
But simply bow on that beautiful plain,     Never before such a scrape were in;
And offer Sir Tiger a glass of champagne!   Nor ever yet used-can you well have a doubt of
"From my jungle it true is                        it?" From my jungle it true is             Nor ever yet used —can  you well have a doubt of
They'woke me, I think,             So uncommonly artful a dodge to get out of it!
So the least they can do is
So the least they can do is             So uncommonly artful a dodge to get out of it!
To give me some drink."
Tiger keeps prowling,
Howling and growling;
Gently Tiger crouches along,                             He feels himself that their dodge is
Humming a kind of animal song,                             clever;
A sweet subdued familiar lay                But the quick fresh blood of the Bengalese,
As ever was warbled by beast of prey;       Nicer and nicer he snuffs on the breeze!
And all so softly, tunefully done,              The more they practise their dodge recitals,
That it made no more sound                  The more he longs to dine on their vitals!
Than his shade on the ground:               His passion is up! his hunger is keen!
So the Bengalese heard it, never a one!         His jaws are ready! his teeth are clean!
And sharpen'd their limbs to sever!
The fire is flashing in light from his eyes!
Gently Tiger steals along,                      In his own peculiar manner he cries —
"Mild as a moon-beam," meek as a lamb;          The while they shineWhat so suddenly changes his song                    "If I mean to dine,
From a tune to a growl?                         I had better begin,"
"'Och, by my sowl,'                             And then, with a grin,
Nothing on earth but the smell of the ham!"    And a voice the loudest that ever was heard,
He quickens his pace,                       He roars, "Never trust to a Tiger's word,
The " illigaDt baste,                           If this dodge shall last much longer!
And he's running a race                              No, no, no, no,-it shall be no go!
With himself for a taste.               There's a way of disturbing this Tub's repose;
And he's taken to roaring and given up hum-              So down on your knees,
ming,                                         You Bengalese,
Just to let the two Bengalese know he is com-            And prepare to be eaten up, if you
ing!                                            please



THE NEW  TALE OF A TUB.                                 787',_
Here goes!                                He has plunged with the impetus wild of a lover,
Here goes! here goes!" and he gave a spring;  And the tub has loomed large, balanced, paused,
The gentlemen, looking for no such thing,               and turned over!
Might have fallen a prey to the Tiger's fling.
But a certain interference,               The Tiger at first had a hobby-horse-ride,
Which bursts from their most intelligent Tub,  But now he is decently quartered inside;
May enable them yet to return to their grub,  And the question is next, long as fortune may
On the self-same plain a year hence!         frown on him,
The Tub, tho' empty of roll and ration,       How the two Bengalese are to keep the tub down
Is full of a certain preservation-                      on him!
Of which,-though it does not follow'Bout this there's no blunder,
In every case of argumentation,-                  The Tiger is under
It is full because it is hollow!                  The Tub!
For, not having a top, and no inside things,      My verse need not run
It turns top-heavy when Tiger springs!                To the length of a sonnet,
And, making a kind of a balancing pause,          To tell how the Bengalese
Keeps holding the animal up by his claws,             Both jumped upon it,
In a manner that seems to fret it;            While the beautiful barrel
While " Short-and-stout," in a state of doubt,        Keeps acting as bonnet
Keeps on his belly a sharp look-out;              To the Tiger inside,
And "Tall-and-thin," with an impudent grin,       Who no more in his pride
Exults in his way,                    Can roam over jungle and plain,
As much as to say,                    But sheltered alike from the sun and the rain,
" I only wish you may get it!                 Around its interior his sides deigns to rub
But much as I may respect your agility,           With a fearful hub-hub,
I don't see at present the great probability!"  And longs for his freedom again!
The Tiger has leapt up, heart and soul.           The two Bengalese,
It's clear he means to go the whole               Not at all at their ease,
Hog, in his hungry efforts to seize               Hear him roar,
The two defianceful Bengalese!                    And deplore
But the Tub! the Tub!                         Their prospects as sore,
Ay, there's the rub!                      Forgetting both pic-nic and flask:
At present he's balanced atop of the Tub,     Each wondering, dumb,
His fore legs inside,                         What of both will become,
And the rest of his hide,                 Helps the other to press on the cask;
Not weighing so much as his head and his legs,'Resign'd to their fate,
And having no hand in                         But increasing their weight,
A pure understandin'                      By action of muscle and sinew,
Of the just equilibrium of casks and of kegs,     In order that forcibly you, Mr. Tub,
Not bred up in attics,                            Whom their niggers this morning
Nor taught mathematics,                         Roll'd here with their grub,
To work out the problems of Euclid with pegs!     May still keep the Tiger within you I




788                            THE NEW  TALE OF A TUIB.
On the top of the Tub,                    With the Tiger's tail clenched fast in his fist,
In the warmest of shirts,                     And his own coat-tail grasped fast to assist,
The thin man stands!                      Stands "Tall-and-thin," with " Short-and-stout,"
While the fat by his skirts                   Both on the top of the Tub to scout,
Holds-anxiously puffing and blowing;      Tiger within, and they without,
And the thin peers over the top of the cask,      And both in a pretty pickle!
"Is there any hope for us?"              The Tiger begins by giving a bound;
As much as to ask,                            The Tub's half-turn'd, but the men are found
With a countenance cunning and knowing;    To have. very carefully jumF'd to the groundAnd just as he mournfully'gins to bewail,        At trifles they must not stickle!
In a grief-song that ought to be sung whole,   It's no use quaking and turning pale,
He twigs the long end of the old Tiger's tail  Pluck and patience must now prevail,
As it twists itself out of the bung-hole!  They must keep a hold on the Tiger's tail,
Then sharp on the watch,                  And neither one be fickle!
He gives it a catch,
And shouts to the Tiger,              There they must pull if they pull for weeks,
" You've now got your match;          Straining their stomachs and bursting their cheeks,
You may rush and may riot, may wriggle and roar,   While Tiger alternately roars and squeaks,
But I'm blest if I'll let yourstail go any more!"  Trying to break away from'em;
It's as safe as a young roasted pig in a larder,  They must keep the Tub turned over his back
And no two Bengalese could hold on by it   And never let his long tail get slack,
harder!"                               For fear he should win the day from'em.




A DAY OF DISTRESS.                                     789
Yes! yes! they must hold him tight,             What's to be done! what precious fun,
From night till morning! from morn till night!  Haven't they found out what's to be done!
Mustn't stop to eat! mustn't stop to weep!    See! see! what glorious glee!
Mustn't stop to drink! mustn't stop to sleep!   Note! mark! what a capital lark,
No cry! no laugh! no rest! no grub!             Tiger and Tub, and bunghole and all
Till they starve the Tiger under the Tub!      Baffled by what is about to befall;
Till the animal dies,                       Excellent! marvellous! beautiful! 0!
To his own surprise,                        Isn't it now an original go!
With two Bengalese, in a deadly quarrel,        What, stop! I'm ready to drop!
And his tail thrust through the hole of a barrel!   Hold! stay! I'm fainting away!
Laughter I'm certain'11 kill me to-day;
Oh, dear! oh, dear! it's very clear            And " Short-and-stout" is bursting his skin,
They can't live so-but they daren't let go!    And almost in fits is " Tall-and-thin,"
Fate for a pitying world to wail,               And Tiger is free, yet they do not quail,
Starving behind a Tiger's tail!                     Tho' temper has all gone wrong with him;
If Invention be Necessity's Son,                No! they've TIED A KNOT IN THE TIGER'S TAIL,
Now let him tell them what's to be done.             AND  HE CARRIES THE TUB ALONG WITH
What's to be done! ha! I see a grin                       HIM;
Of joy on the face of " Tall-and-thin."         He's a freehold for life, with a tail out ofjoint,
Some new device he has hit in a trice,          And has made his last CLIMAX
The which he is telling all about                              A TRUE KNOTTY POINT.
To the gratified gentleman "Short-and-stout."
A DAY OF DISTRESS.
BY MARY RUSSELL MITFORD.
IT was. a glorious June morning; and I got up out-of-door myrtles, passion-flowers, clematis, and
gay and bright, as the Americans say, to breakfast the Persian honeysuckle, form a most graceful and
in the pretty summer-room overlooking the garden, varied framework, not unlike the festoons of flowwhich, built partly for my accommodation and  ers and foliage which one sees round some of the
partly for that of my geraniums, who make it their scarce and high-prized  tradesmen's cards, and
winter residence, is as regularly called the green- ridotto tickets of Hogarth and Bartolozzi. Large
house as if I and my several properties-sofas, glass folding-doors open into the little garden, alchairs, tables, chiffonibres, and ottomans-did not most surrounded by old buildings of the most picinhabit it during the whole of the fine season; or turesque form —the buildings themselves partly
as if it were not in its own person a well-propor- hidden by clustering vines, and my superb baytioned and spacious apartment, no otherways to be tree, its shining leaves glittering in the sun on one
distinguished from  common drawing-rooms than  side, whilst a tall pear-tree, garlanded to the very
by being nearly fronted with glass, about which top with an English honeysuckle in full flower, breaks
51




790                                A DAY OF DISTRESS.
the horizontal line of the low cottage-roof on the  work, or to pretend to work, when I was most
other; the very pear-tree being, in its own turn, pleasantly interrupted by the arrival of some mornhalf concealed by a splendid pyramid of geraniums ing visitors-friends from a distance-for whom,
erected under its shade. Such geraniums! It does after a hearty welcome and some cordial chat, I
not become us poor mortals to be vain-but really, ordered luncheon, with which order my miseries
my geraniums! There is certainly nothing but the  began.
garden into which Aladdin found his way, and    "The keys, if you please, ma'am, for the wine
where the fruit was composed of gems, that can  and the Kennet ale," said. Anne, my female factocompare with them. This pyramid is undoubtedly  tum, who rules, as regent, not only the cook and
the great object from the green-house; but the  the under-maid and the boy, but the whole family,
common flowerbeds which surround it, filled with  myself included, and is an actual housekeeper in
roses of all sorts, and lilies'of all colors, and pinks every respect, except that of keeping the keys.
of all patterns, and campanulas of all shapes, to say  "The keys, ma'am, if you please," said Anne; and
nothing of the innumerable tribes of annuals, of all then I found that my keys were not in my rightthe outlandish names that ever were invented, are hand pocket, where. they ought to have been, nor
not to be despised even beside the gorgeous ex- in my left-hand pocket, where they might have
otics, which, arrranged with the nicest attention to  been, nor in either of my apron-pockets, nor in my
color and form, so as to combine the mingled  work-basket, nor in my reticule-in short, that my
charms of harmony and contrast, seem  to look  keys were lost!
down proudly on their humble compeers.           Now these keys were only two in number, and
No pleasanter place for a summer-breakfast-al- small enough in dimensions; but then the one
ways a pretty thing, with its cherries, and straw- opened that important part of me, my writingberries, and its affluence of nosegays and posies-  desk; and the other contained within itself the
no pleasanter place for a summer breakfast-table  specific power over every lock in the house, lbing
than my green-house! And no pleasanter com- no other than the key of the key-drawer; and no
panion, with whom to enjoy it, than the fair friend, chance of picking them-for alas! alas! the locks
as bright as a rose-bud, and as gay as a lark-the  were Bramah's! So, after a few exclamations, such
saucy, merry, charming Kate, who was waiting to  as, What can have become of my keys? Has any
partake our country fare. The birds were singing  one seen my keys?  Somebody must have run
in the branches; bees, and butterflies, and myriads away with my keys!-I recollected that however
of gay, happy insects were flitting about in the  consolatory to myself such lamentations might be,
flower-beds; the haymakers were crowding to their they would, by no means, tend to quench the thirst
light and lively labor in a neighboring meadow; of my guests. I applied myself vigorously to rewhilst the pleasant smell of the newly-mown grass medy the evil all I could by sending to my nearest
blended with that of a bean-field in full blossom  neighbors (for time were pressing, and our horse
still nearer, and with the thousand odors of the  and his master out for the day) to supply, as
garden-so that sight, and sound, and smell, were well as might be, my deficiency. Accordingly I
a rare compound of all that is delightful to the  sent to the public-house for their best beer, which,
sense and the feeling.                         not being Kennet ale, would not go down; and to
Nor were higher pleasures wanting. My pretty  the good-humored wives of the shoemaker and the
friend, with all her vivacity, had a keen relish of baker for their best wine. Fancy to yourselves a
what is finest in literature and in poetry. An old  decanter of damson-wine arriving from one quarfolio edition of that volume of Dryden called his ter, and a jug of parsnip-wine, fresh from the wood,
" Fables," which contains the glorious rifacimenti tapped on purpose, from the other! And this for
of parts of Chaucer, and the'best of his original drinkers of Burgundy and Champagne! Luckily
poems, happened to be on the table; the fine de- the water was good, and my visitors were goodscription of Spring in the opening of the Flower natured, and comforted me in my affliction, and
and the Leaf, led to the picture of Eden in the  made a jest of the matter. Really they are a nice
Paradise Lost, and that again to Comus, and Comus family, the St. Johns, especially the two young
to Fletcher's Faithful Shepherdess, and Fletcher's men, to whom I have, they say, taught the taste of
Faithful Shepherdess to Shakspere, and As You  spring-water.
Like It. The bees and the butterflies, culling for   This trouble passed over lightly enough. But
pleasure or for thrift the sweets of my geraniums, scarcely were they gone before the tax-gatherer
were but types of Kate Leslie and myself roving  came for money-locked up in my desk!  What
amidst the poets. This does not sound much like will the collector say?-And the justice's clerk for
a day of distress; but the evil is to come.    warrants, left under my care by the chairman of
A gentl~e sorrow did arrive, all too soon, in the  the bench, and also safely lodged in the same safe
shape of Kate Leslie's pony-phaeton, which whisk- repository. What will their worships say to this
ed off that charming person as fast as her two long- delinquency? It will be fortunate if they do not
tailed Arabians could put their feet to the ground. issue a warrant against me in my own person!
This evil had, however, substantial consolation in  My very purse was left by accident in that unlucky
the promise of another visit very soon; and I re- writing-desk; and when our kind neighbors, the
sumed, in peace and quietness, the usual round of Wrights, sent a melon, and I was forced to borrow
idle occupation which forms the morning employ- a shilling to give the messenger, I could bear my
ment of a country gentlewoman of small fortune: loss no longer, and determined to institute a strict
ordered dinner-minced-veal, cold ham, a currant- search on the instant.
pudding, and a salad-if any body happens to be    But before the search could begin, in came the
curious on the score of my housekeeping; renewed  pretty little roly-poly Sydneys and Murrays, brats
my bean-pots; watered such of my plants as want- from seven downwards, with their whole train of
ed most; mended my gloves; patted Dash; look- nurses, and nursery-maids, and nursery-governesses,
ed at the Times; and. was just sitting down to  by invitation, to eat strawberries; and the straw



A DAY OF DISTRESS.                                    791
berries were locked up in a cupboard, the key of revolve the possibility of their being still in the
which was in the unopenable drawer! And good  place where I had first missed them.
farmer Brookes, he too called, sent by his honor   A jingle in my apron-pocket afforded some hope,
for a bottle of Hollands-the right Schiedam; and  but it turned out to be only the clinking of a pair
the Schiedam was in the cellar; and the key of the  of garden-scissors against his old companion, a silcellar was in the Bramah-locked drawer! And the ver pencil-case-and that prospect faded away. A
worthy farmer, who behaved charmingly for a man  slight opening of Dryden's heavily-bound volume
deprived of his gin, was fain to be content with ex- gave another glimmer of sunshine, but it proved to
cuses, like a voter after an election; and the poor be occasioned by a sprig of myrtle ln Palamon and
children were compelled to put up with promises, Arcite-Kate Leslie's elegant mark.
like a voter before one; to be sure, they had a few    This circumstance recalled the recollection of my
pinks and roses to sweeten their disappointment; pretty friend. Could she have been the culprit?
but the strawberries were as uncomeatable as the  And I began to ponder over all the instances of unSchiedam.                                       conscious key-stealing that I had heard of amongst
At last, they were gone; and then began the  my acquaintance. How my old friend, Aunt Marsearch in good earnest. Every drawer, not locked, tha, had been so well known for that propensity as
every room that could be entered, every box that to be regularly sought after whenever keys were
could be opened, was ransacked over and over missing; and my young friend, Edward Harley,
again for these intolerable keys.              from the habit of twisting something round his
All my goods and chattels were flung together in  fingers during his eloquent talk (people used to
heaps, and then picked over (a process which would  provide another eloquent talker, Madame de Stal1,
make even new things seem disjointed and shabby), with a willow-twig for the purpose), had once
and the quantities of trumpery thereby disclosed, caught up and carried away a key, also a Bramah,
especially in the shape ofthimbles, needle-cases, pin- belonging to a lawyer's bureau, thereby, as the lawcushions, and scissors, from  the different work- yer affirmed, causing the loss of divers lawsuits to
baskets, work-boxes, and work-bags (your idle per- himself and his clients. Neither Aunt Martha nor
son always abounds in working materials), was as- Edward had teen near the place; but Kate Leslie
tounding. I think there were seventeen pincushions might be equally subject to absent fits, and might,
of different patterns-beginning with an old boot and  in a paroxysm, have abstracted my keys; at all
ending with a new guitar. But what was there  events it was worth trying. So I wrote her a note
not? It seemed to me that there were pocketable  to go by post in the evening (for Kate, I grieve to
commodities enough to furnish a second-hand ba- say, lives above twenty miles off), and determined
zaar! Every thing was there, except my keys.    to await her reply, and think no more of my calaFor Pour hours did I and mv luckless maidens mity.
perambulate the house, whilst John, the boy, exa-   A wise resolution! but, like many other wise remined the garden; until we were all so tired that solves, easier made than kept. Even if I could
we were forced to sit down from mere weariness. have forgotten my loss, my own household would
Saving always the first night of one of my own  not have let me.
tragedies, when, though I pique myself on being    The cook, with professional callousness, came to
composed, I can never manage to sit still; except demand sugar for the currant-pudding-and the
on such an occasion, I do not think I ever walked  sugar was in the store-room-and the store-room
so much at one time in my life. At last, I flung  was locked; and scarcely had I recovered from
myself on a sofa in the green-house, and began to  this shock, before Anne came to inform me that
I&rr                           ~




792                             THE PERSIANS IN LONDON.
there was no oil in the cruet, and that the flask  from the shop for Lady Mary! Ill luck could go
was in the cellar, snugly reposing, I suppose, by  no further: it was the very extremity of small disthe side of the Schiedam, so that if for weariness I tress.
could have eaten, there was no dinner to eat-for   Her ladyship is, however, as kind as she is charmwithout the salad who would take the meat? How- ing, and bore our mutual misfortune with great
ever, I being alone, this signified little; much less fortitude; admired my garden, praised my gerathan a circumstance of which I was reminded by  niums, and tried to make me forget my calamity.
my note to Kate Leslie, namely, that in my desk  Her kindness was thrown away. I could not even
were two important letters, one triple, and franked laugh at myself, or find beauty in my flowers, or
for that very night; as well as a corrected proof- be pleased with her for flattering them. I tried,
sheet, for which the press was waiting; and that however, to do the honors by my plants; and, in
all these despatches were to be sent off by post that placing a large night-scented stock, which was just
evening.                                       beginning to emit its odor, upon the table, I struck
Roused by this extremity, I carried my troubles against the edge, and found something hard under
and my writing-desk to my good friend the black- my belt.
smith-a civil, intelligent man, who sympathized    "My keys! my keys!" cried I, untying the ribwith my distress, sighed, shook his head, and uttered  bon, as I heard a most pleasant jingle on the floor;
the wordBramah!-and I thought my perplexity was and the lost keys, sure enough, they were; depositnearly at its height, when, as I was wending slow- ed there, of course, by my own hand; unfelt, unly homeward, my sorrows were brought to a climax  seen; and unsuspected, during our long and weary
by my being overtaken by one of the friends whom  search. Since the adventure of my dear friend,
I admire and honor most in the world-a person  Mrs. S., who hunted a whole morning for her specwhom all the world admires-who told me, in her tacles whilst they were comfortably perchedupon
prettiest way, that she was glad to see me so near her nose, I have met with nothing so silly and so
my own gate, for that she was coming to drink tea  perplexing.
with me.                                          But my troubles were over-my affliction was at
Here was a calamity!  The Lady Mary H., a an end.
professed tea-drinker —a green-tea-drinker, one (it   The strawberries were sent to the dear little girls;
was a point of sympathy between us) who took  and the Schiedam to the good farmer; and the
nothing but tea and water, and, therefore, required  warrants to the clerk. The tax-gatherer called for
that gentle and lady-like stimulant in full perfec- his money; letters and proofs went to the post,
tion. Lady Mary come to drink tea with me; and  and never in my life did I enjoy a cup of Twining's
I with nothing better to offer her than tea from  green tea so much as the one which Lady Mary and
the shop-the village-shop-bohea, or souchong, I took together after my day of distress.
or whatever they might call the vile mixture. Tea
THE PERSIANS IN LONDON.
FROM "THE ADVENTURES OF HAJJI BABA.'  BY JAMES MORIER.
WE had been so much taken up by our various hope of settling his kebleh, until one morning, with
visitings, that we scarcely had had time to reflect joy painted in his countenance, he rushed into the
that we were Mussulmans, and that we were living  presence of the ambassador, followed by many of
among infidels. Such had been the dissipation in  the servants, exclaiming, " Mujdeh! good news!
which we passed our days, that the duties of pray- the sun is come! the sun is here!" and, in fact,
ing and washing at our appointed times were daily  upon looking up, amidst a yellow atmosphere, combecoming lax, to the horror of Mohamed Beg, who  posed of smoke and vapor, there we saw it sure
being a strict observer of our faith, did not cease  enough. But many of us were inclined to doubt
upbraiding us for our neglect, and strongly upheld  whether this could be the glorious luminary that
the necessity of keeping ourselves pure from the  we had in Persia, for there nobody had an eye
contagious example of those around us, who, in  strong enough to brave its brilliancy; whereas,
fact, appeared to live in the world without any re- here we gazed upon it at our ease, quite as well as
ligion at all. He had been anxious to settle the  if it were a moon. However, having satisfied ourtrue direction of the kebleh,* which he had never selves that it was, in fact, the sun, we were all very
yet done in England to his satisfaction.  His kebleh happy; and seeing that this auspicious sight took
nemah, or compass, had unfortunately' been broken; place upon a white day,* the fifteenth of the month,
and he was doubtful whether any compass we might we exclaimed, "NMobarek! good fortune!" to the
procure from the deriders of our faith would set us ambassador; while Mohamed Beg beeame convincin the right way; and even whether it might not ed that he had acquired the true direction of the
purposely mislead us, by pointing to some impure land of our faith.
spot instead of the sacred shrine of our holy Pro-   But this joy of ours at seeing the sun was the
phet. Then, to his utter dismay, he had not seen  cause of confirming many of the English in their
the sun once since'our arrival; and he was seriously  ignorance concerning our religion. We were taken
apprehensive that the accounts which, in Persia, for worshippers of fire, and they concluded that we
were currently believed concerning Frangistan were
about being realized, and that England, in fact,   * Superstitious people in Persia make a distinction behad no sun. He therefore began to give up all tween lucky and unlucky days, which they call black and
white days; the eighteenth, eleventh, and fifteenth of every
* The point to which Mahomedans turn in prayer-Mecca. month are white days.




THE PERSIANS IN LONDON.                                  793
adored the sun. One of their khans, a lord of great as those made upon our own soil. Mohamed Beg
consequence, who sat in the king's assembly, and threatened us with a double allowance of praying,
gave his opinion upon things fitting and things un- which would not fail to be decreed to us by the
fitting, never approached the ambassador without mollahs the moment we reached Persia, saying
saying, "Well, sir! no sun yet!"  One day, when  there was no behesht, no paradise, for those whose
it was freezing, he found the ambassador seated  entreaties to the throne of Allah came from a land
near the fire, warming himself. " Oh, sir," said he, " overrun with swine, and overflown with wine,"
"I see you are worshipping the fire!"  Upon this, for they would be arrested before they came to the
Mirza Firouz, in wrath, exclaimed to me, who was gates of the highest heaven. This operated agreestanding before him, "What words are these?  He  ably upon our spirits, and made most of us cease
does not know, that if we were worshippers of fire, praying; " for," said we, " if we are to pray double
it would not be the offensive smoky fires of his upon returning to Persia, what use is there in praycountry.*  Even the Guebres, who are scarcely  ing at all while we are in England?"  Right happy
good enough to manure our fields, are scrupulous were we at this scheme, notwithstanding the solemn
as to the purity of their fire; what then must we looks of Mohamed Beg, who wagged his head to
be, who look upon them as the uncleanest of in- and fro, and exhorted us never to lose sight of the
fidels?"  Then turning to the mehmandar, he said, dignity of Mahomedans, and of the duties which
" For the love of Allah! tell the khan that we never our faith enjoined.
worship fire in our country except when it is cold;"   We now ventured to walk through the streets,
to which Mohamed Beg, who was also in the room, although our dress and appearance attracted much
added, " And tell him that our holy prophet, bless- observation; but as we proceeded through the great
ed be his name! hath ordained, in the forty-first labyrinth of the city, we began to fear that we
surai of the Book, "worship not the sun, neither should never find our way back. We had nothing
the moon; but worship God who hath created  by which to direct our steps, for every house apthern."  This did not seem to satisfy the khan, but peared the same in our eyes. All the doors were
he entered into a long explanation, through the  alike, and the windows of the same shapes. There
mehmandai about an ancient infidel who seemed  was neither bath, nor caravanserai, nor barber's
to know a great deal more about our country than  shop, nor even a dunghill, that we could discover,
any of our own historians; and who, in spite of all from whence we could take a fresh departure; but
we could say to the contrary, had made him and all when we got into a great street it was interminable,
England believe that we worshipped fire; and, and one might walk more in a straight line than in
moreover, that we cut our horses' throats in honor the Chahar Bagh of Ispahan. We lost ourselves
of the sun.                                    so frequently, even at short distances from our own
"Ha, ha!" exclaimed the ambassador, who was home, that I determined to adopt a plan which I
always ready for a joke; " seeing that you have no  had practised with success in the forests of Mazansun in your country, to whose honor, may I ask, do  deran, when I was prisoner among the Turcomans.
you cut your horses' tails?"                  There I cut notches in the trees as I went, and by
The khan then went his way, rubbing his hands, this means recovered myself if I lost my way.
saying that fire was a very good thing.         Here I provided myself with a piece of chalk, and
Deploring the ignorance of the nation we were marking every corner, I at length succeeded to
doomed to live with, we determined no longer to  walk great distances, and to find my way back withlose sight of what was due to our religion, but to  out the help of any one. But these excursions were
adhere to the practice of those ordinances decreed  hazardous, for we were among a strange people,
by our blessed Prophet, and to stand forth as and scarcely a day passed without an adventure.
champions of the true faith; accordingly we de- Once I had strolled to some distance with Mohamed
termined to kill our own mutton. The English  Beg; and as good luck would have it, our walk
servants, when they saw Hassan, the cook, about to  took, us into green fields. There were many people
cut the throat of a sheep in one of the apartments walking to and fro; it was probably a Christian
of the house, exclaimed against the filth that such  festival; the day happened to be fine, and the sun
a custom would create; but when they heard Mo- shone almost as bright as in our country. We came
hamed Beg roaring out the Bismillah, and other- to a beautiful spot, with grass smooth as a carpet,
wise explaining our law, which forbids man to eat and Mohamed Beg exclaimed, " Allah! Allah! what
that out of which the blood hath not flowed, a charming place for saying one's prayers." At this
they opened the eyes of astonishment, and dropped  moment a clock of one of the mosques struck the
the head of acquiescence. The ambassador also  English noon, and he could no longer resist.
ordained that every fowl, for the future, was to  " There is the zohor, noon," said he, "and although
have its throat cut, and to be thrown on the ground  we have no muezzin to make the profession of faith,
to bleed to death, after the Persian manner; so  and to call us to prayer, still let us not disregard
that, by the blessing of Allah, we might eat our the notice. Hiere is water at hand; we will wash,
food without endangering our consciences.       and then make our devotions."  To say the truth,
Having established these customs, we began to  I never had been a great sayer of prayers. Since
pray and eat more at our ease than we had done the days when I was a prisoner in the sanctuary at
since we left our country; although we were con- Kom, where I had prayed enough for the remainder
vinced that, living in an impure country, our-prayers of my life, and where I had had a surfeit of genuflexcould not be of the same avail, no, not by one-half, ion, I had always played at "' hide and seek" with my
religious duties, never going upon my knees unless
* The Guebres keep up their sacred fire with fuel that there was danger in not doing so. The absence of
produces neither smoke nor smell. They do not allow  all such necessity in this unholy country was to me
bones, ordure, or filth of any sort, to be mixed with it; and one of its greatest attractions, and therefore I cared
will not even permit it to be lighted by blowing with the  not to leave it. But at the same time I did not
mouth, for fear of any impure odor.             wish to offend my companion; and although I re



794                             THE PERSIANS IN LONDON.
fused his invitation, yet I assured him that I would stomach, that his wrath was soon turned into
wait until he had finished his devotions.       vomiting; his beard became distended, his face
He first washed his hands, arms, feet, and back  turned white, and his eyes streamed. Never had
of his ears, in an adjoining stream, and having as- prayer been so little propitious. Instead of pourcertained the direction of Mecca, he sat down and  ing forth blessings, his mouth consoled itself with
combed his beard. He then took from his person  curses; and whenever he could take breath, it was
his seals, rings, looking-glass, and every thing of refreshing to hear him devote the whole English
value which he had about him, and taking the piece  nation to perdition, and announce to them  that
of holy earth,* together with his beads, from his their fathers were now roasting in the fires of Jebreast, he placed them before him, and put himself hanum.
in the first attitude of prayer. By this time the in-   Our situation was not very enviable, particularly
fidels began to gather round us. What they took  when we saw an inclination on the part of the surus for, it is difficult to say; most likely for jugglers, rounding mob to proceed to something more violent
for they all looked with intense interest at the dif- than beating Mohamed Beg's stomach. There was
ferent trinkets which Mohamed Beg had displayed  one man more violent than the rest, who performed
on the grass. As he stood up with his feet joined  many feats, the object of which we could in no
together, emphatically pronouncing the fatheh,f  wise understand; he clenched his fist, put it close
upon raising his hands before him, I verily believe  to my nose, and then took off his coat. This I conthat they expected to see him vault into the air, or ceived implied hostility, although I knew that takmake a somerset, as I have seen some of their own ing off a hat implied the contrary. To my astonmountebanks do in the street; but when he mere- ishment, I saw another man in the crowd step forly went through his prostrations, touching the piece  ward, and also divest himself of his coat; strange
of holy earth, inscribed with the names of our compliments, thought I, but I was soon undeceived.
blessed Prophet and the twelve Imans, with his In one of the parties I recognized one of the Engforehead, they seemed quite disappointed; and one lish servants employed by the ambassador; and had
of them had the insolence to take it up and hand it scarcely had time to make myself known to him,
about to his fellows to look at. Upon this my Per- when, to our extreme horror and amazement, Mosian pride was aroused.  Reprobate as I was, I hamed Beg and I saw a fight between these two
could not see ourselves so insulted, and a bit of our men, the equal of which we had never before seen,
holy Mecca so abused. I darted forward to snatch  not even by the shah's best pehlivans.  They fought
the relic from the haind of one of the infidels; my  with great vigor and resolution; but our servant in
effort was received with loud hootings, Mohamed  a very short time was the victor. His blows fell
Beg, now in wrath, got upon his legs, and, heedless thicker upon his antagonist's face than upon the
of any thing but the insults offered his religion, feet of a sufferer under the bastinado in Persia,
drew his knife, and would have buried it in the  until every feature was lost, and he begged for
bowels of one of the infidels, when he received a mercy. After he was well beaten, they both shobk
blow which must have been inflicted by some un- hands, and walked off apparently good friends.
seen agent, some dive, or some English gin, which  We, however, could not recover our astonishment,
was thrown so exactly into the very centre of his nor could we at all comprehend the object of our
servant's interference, although he assured us that
* The Persians at prayers place before them a piece of he only fought out of compliment to us. We had
clay, said to be part of the soil of Mecca, and which is frequently before heard of the hospitality of the
stamped with holy invocations.                  Arabs to a stranger; of his killing his last sheep
t The first prayer in the Koran.               for his entertainment; of his depriving himself of




THEI PERSIANS IN LONDON.                                  795
every thing rather than his guest should suffer; but the passage of the royal procession. The whole
that he should stand up and fight, and run the  city was in motion. Never before had we seen such
chance of losing his eyes, or getting his nose an assemblage of infidels. We, a handful of true
knocked off, or his head broken for the stranger, believers, looked indeed rather insignificant in the
that we had never yet heard. And yet we had  great mass; but we were proud of being such, and
seen this very act performed by an infidel, whom in would not have given one hair of our beards for the
our minds we condemned to eternal punishments. millions of black hats that waved to and fro before
Mohamed Beg puzzled his head for a long while us. We posted ourselves under a tree in a garden
how to find some satisfactory reason for this phe- leading to the house of assembly. Several avenues
nomenon; but all he could discover was, that the bordered the road through which the king was to
beating which had most likely' been intended for pass; and, in order to keep it clear, on each side
him, had, by the interposition of fate, fallen on an- were posted cavalry, mounted upon superb horses.
other. We returned home making many exclama- For the time being, we attracted more attention
tions, and astonished the ambassador by a recital than any thing else, and were beginning to feel the
of all we had witnessed.                        insolence of the crowd, when luckily their atteng*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *      tion was soon after diverted from us by the apIt appears that the king goes willingly every year proach of the king, and we opened all our eyes to
in state, surrounded by all the majesty and magni- see his majesty pass. Before the procession had
ficence of a crowned head, to open the deliberations reached us about a maidan, we heard strange and
of the council, and even to invite them to settle  unaccountable sounds, which we took for the Enghow much he ought to spend; how many ministers, lish mode of paying homage to their monarch;
what number of generals, how many troops, what sounds which in some measure assimilated to the
quantities of ships, what ambassadors to maintain, greetings made by the Arabian women upon the
in short, how many expenses of every description  approach of a great personage. They were a mixhe ought to incur. They even have the audacity, ture of cries, groans, and hisses. As the great
we were assured, to settle in what manner he ought coach in which the king sat drew near, the rush of the
to support his own wife. If one half of this were crowd was immense, and immediately there issued
true, we concluded that we might as well believe from the thousands that stood near us such a shower
the other half; and, in order to be convinced with  of hisses, that we felt sure that no king could be
his own eyes, the ambassador willingly accepted an  more beloved by his people than this. So much
invitation to be present at the ceremony of opening  loyalty was instantaneous in its effect; it was as
the council, which, from what we could learn, re- catching as fear; and, almost involuntarily, we
sembled in some measure the great selam-i-aum, the added our most unaffected hisses to those of the
great prostration of the people before the shah in  surrounding crowd, the hue of our faces almost bePersia, on the festival of the No Rouz.         coming black with the exertion. All the collected
The mehmandar informed the Mirza Firouz that serpents of the plains of Mogan in a rage could not
the number of persons admitted to the shah's pres- exceed the noise we made. We became the point
ence on this occasion was restricted to a certain  of observation to all beholders. But what was our
few; and therefore it was proposed that neither I astonishment, I may add consternation, when, innor any of his Persian suite should be of the party. stead of meeting with the encouragement and comAccordingly we saw him depart, accompanied only  mendation we expected, we found ourselves sur-'
by the mehmandar; but we determined to make rounded by a host of men, with short painted sticks
our way to the scene of action, in order to observe  in their hands, backed by some individuals of the




796                             THE PERSIANS IN LONDON.
cavalry, who most unceremoniously invited us to  to find in the English mob the same servility which
dislodge from our tree, and to walk away with them  existed in the Persian, we were much mistaken.
to places unknown!                              "They are as different," said they, "as the dkty
"What do these men want?" exclaimed Mo- puddle in which a camel drinks is to the sea, which
hamed Beg; "what dirt do they eat?"            at one hour is agitated by a hurricane, at another
"Shall I give them a taste of the knife?" asked  lulled into a dead calm."
Aga Beg, the master of the horse.                 Mohamed Beg answered, for his part, that he
"Use no violence, by your child's soul!" exclaim- would rather belong to the puddle, if what he had
ed I, "or they will strike our stomachs, as they did  seen to-day and the day before, when he had been
Mohamed Beg's."                                so mauled, were acts illustrative of the people of
The scene becoming much confused, we were England.
about being very awkwardly situated, when a well-   The ambassador then described his adventures.
dressed Frank stepped up, and, seeing who we were, Never had man seen so much in so short a space of
immediately interfered, and explained to the men  time. A king on a throne; dresses of all descripwith painted sticks, that whatever we might have  tions; gold, silver, velvet; sticks, swords, and gold
done it must have been through ignorance. He maces; men with most extraordinary wigs sprinkled
released us from their superintendence; and having  with dust; a multitude of omrahs, with scarlet and
kindly accompanied us to our home, we there ex- ermine cloaks; a rush of men, with a kedkhoda,
plained all that had happened; and then to our covered with false hair, at their head; and to crown
confusion we found, that, instead of paying honor all, women!  "Oh such women!" said he, "I was
and respect to the shah of England, we had in fact in love with them all; they were all unveiled; I
been treating him worse than a dog.  "La illaha, saw much flesh whiter than snow; eyes that killed;
illallah I There is but one God!" exclaimed Mo- and teeth which smiled delight!"
hamed Beg. " What a country is this! Who ever   We had never before seen our ambassador in such
thought of abusing one's king to his face too! Let a state. But there was one fair creature above the
us leave this people; they are too bad. One never rest, of whose charms he raved; he had never consees them pray; their wives are without shame; ceived that any thing human could be so beautiful;
and they heap abomination upon their own king's his heart was on fire. It was plain that this cirhead!"                                         cumstance alone had reconciled him to a residence
"By my soul," exclaimed Aga Beg, "I thought among the infidels; and now we learned to apprethat hissing was the Frank mode of doing honor. ciate the truth of that saying of our immortal
We have all made a feast of abomination!"      Sheikah, "Be you seated in the most lonely shade
"But pray, sir," said I to the gentleman who had  of the valley of the angel of death, and let love be
escorted us home, "tell me by what chance is it your companion, the desert will appear a paradise,
that the English people receive their king after this and your wretchedness will seem beatitude."  He
manner!"                                        called her hisjalibelleloob;* swore that the leaf of
"The popularity of our king," said he, " depends her eye t was more tender than that of the rose;
upon circumstances,' which no human power can  that she was more brilliant than a moon fourteen
control. The people are ignorant, and are led by  days old; t and that she was in the very eyeball ~
designing demagogues. Bread is dear, they hiss of her age; in short, he made one believe that she
the king; trade is dull, they hiss the king; they  was a very phoenix, " The one of ones."
hate peace, they hiss the king; the queen behaves   *      *              *      * 
ill, they hiss the king. The following year, perhaps,   There seemed now to pervade one new and unibread is cheap and trade brisk, they cheer the king; versal impulse throughout the city to congregate
his ships or his armies gain a victory, they smother in a thousand different manners, for objects which
him  with kindness; his ministers make good  to us were totally novel. The men sought the wospeeches, and talk of reducing taxes, they will lay  men, and the women received the men. In the
down their lives for him. Who can account," said  morning they met at occasional visits to talk upon
he, "for popular favor, or popular disfavor?  It is matters of little importance; then they congreas uncertain as the wind that blows."           gated in troops on horseback, or in carriages; they
" I tell you what sir," said I, taking hold of the then dispersed, and separated into different comtip of my beard, and holding it out to him, "do  panies to eat; and although by the time they had
you see this?"                                 done this, it was our time for going to bed, yet again' Yes," answered he, " I see it.'"           they met in larger and more numerous assemblies,
"Well then, by this I swear, and I can swear by  to dance, or to sit, or to be pressed together in
nothing more sacred, that if the people: of Teheran, masses in a manner difficult to explain. In this we
upon the presence of their shah, were even to spit were told they followed their own pleasure; nor
in his presence, or to do any thing by look or were these great meetings at all for the honor of
speech that indicated disrespect, he would order a their king,: as our principal ones generally are, but
katl-i-aum, a general massacre, to $ake place, and  purely for their own gratification. When we meet
would not leave one rogue of them to look at the in large bodies it is usual to attend our shah; and
sun the next morning. By all the Imams, it is as although we do congregate and eat together occatrue as I stand here."                         sionally, yet whoever thought of doing so in the
The gentleman at this speech opened his eyes unbounded manner of England?
with astonishment, and seeing perhaps how cheap    The mehmandar came into tne ambassador's
we held other people's heads, he made us a low  room the day after his appearance at the house of
bow, and took his leave.                       parliament, and said, "Here are five invitations to
By this time the ambassador had returned, and  dinner to-day."  "Allah, Allah!" exclaimed the
when we had related to him and to the mehmandar
the adventures of the morning, they consoled us by  * Ravisher of hearts.     t The eyelid.
laughing at our beards, and said, that if we expected  t An Eastern image for mistress. ~ Pinnacle.




THE PERSIANS IN  LONDON.                                 797
ambassador, "five invitations! who can eat five so fond of a good saying, were delighted to find that
dinners in one day?"                          so much merriment could exist among persons who
"It is not necessary to eat them all," answered  usually live in a fog; and the ambassador, who
the mehmandar; "it is enough that you accept thought that there might be some etiquette among
one. You eat one dinner, but you may go to as them as to who should launch the first joke, seeing
many evening assemblies afterward as you please. that they were in general so taciturn, willingly venHere is a whole handful of invitations."       tured to break the spell, and never lost an opporWe remained perfectly astonished. "Who can  tunity for the future of putting in his word whengo through such labor," said we, " and then live? ever he could do so with propriety.
We are Persians; we go to sleep when the last   The entrance of a person with white dust on his
prayers have been chanted, and we wake with the head to invite us to the feast, put an end for a time
dawn. How is this?"                            to the good humor that had broken out; and when
"You will soon get accustomed to our manners," the company stood up, we discovered that there
said the mehmander.  " We make little distinction  existed among the English to the full as much etibetween day and night at this season."          quette about precedence as in our country. But
Without more difficulty, the ambassador, accom- Allah! Allah! who, let me say, were the objects of
panied by the mehmandar and myself, went to the  it? Mohamed Beg, when I related the fact, would
dinner in question, which was given by one of the  not believe it. Women! —they, the women took
viziers. He dressed himself in his best, putting on precedence. They walked out of the room first,
the cap of ceremony with the shawl round it, and  while the men seemed to struggle for the privilege
girding himself with his diamond-hilted dagger. of leading them forwards.  Every honor was inHe had found it more convenient to adopt the shoes tended towards our ambassador; he was invited to
of the Franks (excepting on very great occasions, make his way with the vizier's wife, his right hand
when he preserved our own high-heeled slippers), placed in her left; and considering that this was
because it was impossible for him to be always ac- the first time he had performed such a ceremony,
companied by his shoe-bearer. He intimated that he really did it amazingly well.  Without even
I was to accompany him, and accordingly I also  thinking of washing our hands before we began to
made my person as fit to be seen as possible.   eat, both men and women proceeded to the scene
No one came to inform us that the entertainment of action. What we Mussulmans were to do with
was ready; no one said the.Bismillah  but we our left hands was always a subject of deep conwent straight to the vizier's house; and we were  sideration; but in a country of infidels we took
announced by very loud knocks on a closed door, liberties that no other emergency could ever sancinflicted by strong servants. Other servants having  tion.
appeared from within, we were invited to walk in.   We entered -a large room, in the centre of which
The ambassador's name was then called out at stated  was spread a table more curiously ornamented than
intervals, until we were ushered into the hall of any we had yet seen. Around this we placed ourmeeting.  Here, at the threshold, we were re- selves, but not without of the difficulty of etiquette.
ceived by the vizier, who himself was walking about I avow, that saving our own beards, which looked
as well as most of his guests, for there appeared to  out of character among the: smooth chins that
be perfect liberty on that score. We then went to  wagged round the board, I was delighted at the
the vizier's wife, who seemed to be quite as much  sight.'Tis true that much more noise was heard
at home as her husband, and did her best by  than during one of our entertainments; for the unsweet smiles to'make us welcome.  There were ceasing activity of the servants with creaking shoes,
several other khanums, very civil and handsome. the clash of plates, the ringing of glasses, the slashIf any portion of a veil had been thrown over them, ing and cutting with sharp instruments, and, above
to hide certain parts of their: very white persons, I all, the universal talking of the assembly, created a
should have been in a fever of love at once; but din to which we were little accustomed, and which
as it was, I scarcely thought of them as women. in Persia would be esteemed as highly indecorous.*
The conversation began by every person present -But it was an enlivening sight; and excepting the
appearing anxious to know whether we had seen the  absence of a Hafiz to chant the luxuries of our wine,
sun on that day; for it was ascertained that it had  of the excellence of which even our blessed Probeen seen, but. whether for one hour, or only half phet could have had no idea, the entertainment
an hour, there appeared to be-some serious doubts. would have been perfect. Of what the numerous
The ambassador, evidently tired at this constant al- dishes were composed, I did not give myself the
lusion to our supposed worship of the sun, turned  trouble to consider; and without pausing to inquire
off the observation by a compliment to the vizier's whether the mutton had properly bled, or whether
wife. "You do not want a sun in your country," the poultry had died the true death, I eat whatever
said he, " when you have such suns as the khanum's came in my way. I certainly made one or two
eyes to give light and joy to the world!"     scrutinizing pauses at a new sort of flesh, and which
When this was interpreted, it produced a univer- I fancied might be that of the unclean beast; but
sal cry of approbation, and was immediately taken  "in the name of Allah!" said I, "what is the use
up, with the greatest good humor, by the vizier of sticking about pollution, when we have now been
himself, who said, "If his excellency is to be an steeped in it ever since we have lived among the
apostate, and if he is to worship these suns (point- infidels?" and so I ate of every thing -that was ofing to the lady's eyes) instead of his own, we must fered to me. If Mohamed Beg had been with us,
look about us. We must begin building harems,
and manufacturing veils."                        * Persian servants in attendance at an entertainment are
Upon this, a great deal of agreeable joking' took scarcely heard. They do their work without shoes; and
place, which animated the whole party, and indeed as there is no handing of plates, and.o changing of knives
gave us an insight into the English, character we and forks, the quiet is great compared to the din of our
had never before acquired. We, Persians, who are tables.




798                                   RESPECTABILITY.
he would have been blowing over his shoulders dered by your king?"  Still he was at a loss for an
during the whole of the entertainment. The am- answer; and I concluded that this might be a cusbassador seemed to be as much at his ease as any  tom borrowed from Islam.  My neighbor hinted
one of the most experienced eaters of a dinner that the absence of the women left the men at
among the English themselves. He managed the  greater liberty to talk and drink wine. " Ah, then,"
spoons, knives, claws, and pincers, with surprising  said I, "you must have adopted that maxim of the
dexterity. I must own that I was not so fortunate, East, which saith, " first dinner, then conversation;"
for I made one or two mistakes merely from the but if drinking be your object, this is not the way.
force of previous habit, which evidently had an un- to set about it. Do as we do in Persia; get up befavorable effect upon those around me. I shared times in the morning; go into a garden; seat yourmy neighbor's bread, which is here looked upon as self near a running stream; put flowers on your
offensive as it is otherwise in Persia. I drank out head; have songsters and nightingales; drink till
of his glass; and once I presented a bit with my your senses are gone; wait till they return; then
/I
figr f-rom      k
fingers from a dish before me, at which he made a drink again, and take no thought of time; let day
start as if I had offered poison. Although we did and night be the same, until at length you have so
not sit with our knees double, but were quite at our completely soaked yourself with wine, that it is time
ease upon chairs, with legs pendant, yet the great to cry out,'Enough! enough!"'
length of the entertainment almost killed me. At   Whether my neighbor understood my attempt to
length there was a general move, but to my astonish- explain myself in English, I know not, but he eyed
ment, the women only took their departure. This me with astonishment.
was the nearest approach to our own customs which    At length, the dinner was over, and with unwashI had yet seen, and I asked my neighbor why this ed hands we proceeded to the room of assembly,
distinction was made? why the women alone went? where we found the vizier's wife and her khanums
He seemed puzzled for an explanation. " Is it thus ready again to receive us.
ordained in your scriptures," said I, "or is it orRESPECTABILITY.
ANONYMOUS.
"PRAY, what do you mean by'Respectability?'    A'respectable person' may be a great fool,Is it wisdom or worth, sir? or rank or gentility?    Have lost even the little he picked up at school,Is it rough sound sense? or a manner refined?  Be a glutton, adulterer, deep drowned in debt,Is it kindness of heart? or expansion of mind?  May forfeit his honor, his best friend forget,Is it learning or talent, or honor, or fame,    May be a base sycophant, tyrant, or knaveThat you mean by that phrase (so expressive) to  But a livery-servant, at least, he must have:
name?"-                                 In vice he may vie with the vilest of sinners" No, no-these are not, sir, the things now in vogue: But he must keep a cook, and give capital dinners.
A'respectable man,' sir, may be a great rogue,



THE ENTHUSIAST IN ANATOMY.                                799
THE ENTHUSIAST IN ANATOMY.
BY JOHN OXENFORD (BALZAC D'ANOIS).
THE youth, whom we shall call "Tom,"-and  house not a farthing had been found after his denothing but " Tom,"-was one of those individuals cease, to the great disappointment of his creditors.
who labor with a fierce, burning anxiety, to burst   Soon, however, there was such a violent dash of
through the trammels imposed upon them by a rain against the window, that even Tom was comlimited education,-one of those votaries of science, pelled to start, when he saw the door open, and a
whose energy seems to grow all the more, because stranger enter, completely muffled in a cloak. The
it has nothing to feed upon. He was very slightly  new-comer stood before the fire, as if to dry himself,
formed, and had eyes so bright and shining, that and seemed to be of the same taciturn disposition
when one gazed on him, one was inclined to over- as Tom, for he made no answer to the different
look all his other thin, sharply-defined features. questions that were addressed to him, nor did he
Never was there a more complete appearance of even condescend to look at the speakers. The
a clear intelligence in a corporeal form.     shower having ceased, and the moon shining brightThe few half-pence which Tom was enabled to  ly through the window, the stranger walked out
save from his scanty earnings at a laborious trade, again, without the sign of leave-taking.
he regularly expended at the book-stall, and on one    "That be a queer chap," said the ostler, " I'll
occasion was highly delighted at picking up a small run and see where he's going,"-and he followed
book on Anatomy. The work was one of those the stranger, who had awakened a curiosity in
that had long been superseded by more modern and  every one except Tom. Scarcely five minutes had
better treatises, and the little plates were as ill and  elapsed, when the ostler rushed into the room, pale
coarsely done as possible. Nevertheless, with him  as death.
it had not the disadvantage of comparison. He    "Udds huddikins! " said he; and it was not bethought it a mine of science yet unexplored, and he fore a glass of spirits had been poured down his
suffered his whole soul to be absorbed by it.  throat, that he could state the cause of his alarm.
In a few weeks, he had transferred the entire  "Old chap just gone out-got no proper face like —
contents of the work into his own brain; and  only a death's head-he just looked round on me
though he invariably carried the book in his pock- in the moon-light."
et, it was more out of respect to it, as an old friend,   "Do you mean to say," exclaimed Tom, "that he
than from any further benefit to be derived from  is nothing but a skeleton?"
it. The names of every bone, cartilage, ligament,   "Aye-sure I do," said the ostler.
and muscle, of which he had read, were deeply im:    "And which way did he go?"
printed in his mind; and he could have passed with    "Why, towards the church-yard, sure," said the
glory through the sharpest examination, provided  ostler. Tom waited for no more, but dashing down
it had been based on the contents of the little his pipe, he rushed out of the room, and tore along
book.                                         the road to the church-yard. When he had got
But Tom, in spite of his knowledge, was too in- there, he saw the stranger standing by the tomb of
telligent not to perceive the defective state of his old Ebenezer Grindstone. The moon was shining
acquirements. He soon felt that his anatomy was, full upon him, and as Tom approached, the cloak
after all, a science of names rather than of things; fell down, leaving nothing but a bare skeleton bethat though he could have described accurately all fore him.
the intricate bones of the skull, and all the muscles   " Thank my stars!" exclaimed Tom, "I have
of the extremities, his descriptions would have been  seen a skeleton at last! "
little more than a repetition of words committed to   "Young man," said the skeleton, in a hollow
memory. He had not seen a single real object voice, while it hideously moved its jaws, "attend!"
connected with his science. If he could but have    " How beautifully," cried Tom, enraptured, "can
set eyes upon a skeleton, what an advantage it I see the play of the lower maxillary!"
would have been.                                " Attend!" repeated the skeleton; "but, rash
We once read of a celebrated anatomist, who, far man, what are you about?" it added, turning sudfrom admiring human beauty, regarded the skin as denly round. The fact is, Tom was running his finan impertinent obstacle to the acquisition of science, ger down the vertebra, and counting to see if their
concealing, as it does, the play of the muscles. number corresponded with that given in his book.
Whether such a clear notion as this ever entered  " Seven cervical, twelve dorsal," he cried with imthe mind of our hero, we cannot say; but certainly  mense glee.
if some tall lean beggar passed him on the road, he   The skeleton lost all patience, and, raising its
would clutch convulsively at his knife, and follow  arm, shook its fist angrily at Tom, who, with his
the man with a sad wistful look.              eyes fixed on the elbow, merely shouted his joy, at
One autumnal evening, he sat in the ale-house perceiving the "'ginglymoid" movement.
parlor, watching the smoke of his pipe, and indulg-   The skeleton, who had been accustomed to terriing in his own reflections; for though the conver- fy other people, was completely amazed at the scisatior. in the room was noisy and animated, it had  entific-position taken by the young anatomist. In
no interest for him. Devoted to his own pursuits, fact, the most extraordinary scene that can be conbirths, deaths, and marriages were to him things ceived presently occurred; for the apparition, feelof nought, and he paid no heed to the constant ing panic-struck at Tom's coolness and scientific
discussions which were held in the village on the spirit, darted away from him, and endeavored to
extraordinary case of old Ebenezer Grindstone, who escape by dodging among the tombstones. Tom
had been thought extremely rich, but in whose was too anxious to pursue his studies to allow him



800                               THE SHORT COURTSHIP..,
self to be baffled in this way; and putting forth all month in the old church-yard, observing his beloved
his strength, soon overtook the skeleton, and held skeleton, which, as it moved into any position he
him tight. A conversation ensued, in the course  desired, gave him an opportunity of studying the
of which the skeleton explained that he was Old motion of the bones; in a way that had not been
Grindstone himself, who had buried a quantity of enjoyed by any other anatomist.
money under ground, and could not rest in peace    The young enthusiast, sitting at midnight with
till it was dug up and distributed among the credit- the strange assistant to his pursuits, would have
ors. This office he requested Tom to perform.  been a delightful sight, had any one possessed the
"It will be some trouble," said Tom, "and the courage to stop and look at the party. When the
affair is none of mine-but look ye-I'm willing to month had expired, Tom and his good friend shook
comply with your request, if, as a reward, you will hands and parted with great regret; but Tom had
allow me to come and study you every night for the completely retained in his mind all he had seen, and
next month. You may then retire to rest for as laid the foundation of that profound anatomical
long a time as you please."                    science by which he was afterwards so much distin"Agreed," said the skeleton; and, quite recov- guished.
ered from his alarm, he shook hands with Tom in   It is needless to state that the above is the early
ratification of the bargain.                   history of the celebrated Dr. -, and that all othTom found the money, distributed it among the er accounts are baseless fabrications.
creditors, and passed every night for the next
TIHE SHORT COURTSHIP.
WITH AN ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
As a gentleman was passing along one of the where the landlord promised that the senseless pair
rmore retired streets of London, he stumbled over should be undressed and placed in a warm and comthe body of an old man, whom, on examination, he fortable bed. To bed they were put. Mr. L. left
found in a state of excessive inebriation, and who them lying side by side, snoring in concert, and
had, in consequence, tumbled down and rolled into likely to pass together a more harmonious night
the kennel. He had not gone many yards further than perhaps would have been the case, had they
when he found an old woman very nearly in the possessed the full enjoyment of their senses. L.
same circumstances. It immediately struck: Mr. L. journeyed homewards, filled with the satisfaction
that this was some poor old couple, who, overcome arising from the performance of a kind deed, and
with the fatigues of the day, had indulged too freely never reflected that there was a possibility of his
in some restorative beverage, whether Hodges' or having joined a pair whom the laws of God had not
Deady's the historian does not say. Full of this made one. The fact was, that the old man and the
idea, and animated by his own charitable disposition, old woman were perfect strangers to each other,
Mr. L. soon made arrangements for the reception. and their being found in a similar situation was
of the poor couple into a neighboring public house, purely accidental.  In London, however extraor



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FRIGHTS.                                        801
dinary it may appear, many poor folks get drunk  sinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The
at night, especially Saturday night, and what is not landlord at last interfered with the authority of his
less wonderful, they are in this state often unable  station; and, on inquiry, found that no breach had
to preserve their balance-the laws of gravity exert been made which could not be easily repaired.
their influence, and the patient rolls into the kennel. The old gentleman was asked if he had any objecSoundly-soundly did this late united pair sleep  tion to take his fair bedfellow for a helpmate during
and snore till morning-when the light broke in the remainder of his life; he stammered out his
upon them, and disclosed the secret. Imagine the  acquiescence as well as he could, and the enraged
consternation of the old lady when the fumes of virgin consented to smooth down her anger on
intoxication were dissipated, and she opened her satisfaction being made to her injured honor. The
eyes upon her snoring partner: —where she was, or bargain was soon struck; the happy pair were
how she had been put there, she knew not. It was bundled off to church, amidst the laughing shouts
clear she was in bed with a man, and that was an  of the mob, where a parson waited to make good
event which had never happened to her before,- the match too precipitately formed by our chariso she set ups scream, and roused the old gentle- table friend.
man, whose astonishment was not a jot less than
the lady's. She sat up on end
in bed, staring at him; he
moved himself into a similar
situation, and riveted his eyes
upon her, and so they remained for a few instants, both
full of perfect wonderment.
At last it struck the poor lady
that this was some monster of
a man, who had succeeded in                                 I
some horrible design upon her
hllonor; the idea in a moment                                                         I,
gave her the look and manner  
of a fury; she flung out of                       /ii     it
bed, and roared aloud to the                             l 
admiration of all the inmates             _'==
of the house, who, attracted 
by her first screams, were al- 
ready peeping in at the door 
she cried,-"Villain that thou
are,-make an honest woman
of me, or I'll be the death of
thee;"-down she sat upon.
the bed stocks, and as she
attempted to dress herself,
she interlarded her occupation
with  calling for vengeance
upon her horrible seducer,
who sat trembling at the other
side of the bed, vainly at' -thh                                                 u_______ -olyo_ e
tempting in his fright to inFRIGHTS.
ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
WE propose to give illustrations of frights fami- that the back-parlor sash has been raised. They
liar to every family, and susceptible of description. lie still, with panting hearts, and listen.  Again
Let us take a night scene, conjured up by a sudden  there is a noise; it is like creaking footsteps on the
alarm of                                        stairs, or the opening of drawers; then all is silent
THIEVES!                      again, and the noise is renewed.'Tis moonlight, and "the very houses seem    At last, one little quaking Miss ventures, halfasleep," out-houses and all.  The "quiet family" stifled, to whisper, "Sarah, are you awake?" And
has attained its utmost pitch of quietness.  All Sarah faintly answers, "Yes, did you hear that?"
sleep soundly, where no sound is heard. A breath- and both busy themselves in the bed, and dare not
less hush pervades the domicile.  On a sudden, breathe. And then they hear a door open softly,
there is a smart crash, a rattling sound, below. and they utter a loud cry of terror; and then in
This sleeper starts up in bed; that, darts further another minute the door of their own room opens,
under the clothes.  "What's that?" is the inward  and with a loud scream they start up-only to see
question of everybody.  The thought of thieves their dear good mama with a candle in her hand;
occurs to each in turn; one is certain that the  but she is pale and frightened, and desires to know
area-door has been forced open; another is sure  if they had made the noise-but they had not;




802                                       FRIGHTS.
only they distinctly heard somebody getting in at noises be heard, the whole frightened family would
the back-door, or the parlor-window.  Then papa start, turn pale, quake, wonder,' pant, scream, and
commands the whole assembled family " not to be spring rattles, exactly as before. When Fear has
frightened," and shakes dreadfully-with cold-as once taken possession, Experience does not always
he looks at his blunderbuss, and avows his deter- make folks wise. Let us take for another example
mination to proceed down-stairs. And then there  of the daily domestic romanceis a "hush!" and a general listening. Yes, there
is a noise still, and to the stairs he advances; while         THE STRANGE CAT.
his better-half lights his way, and holds his gar-   How vividly, among the events of our boyish
ments tight to check his desperate enthusiasm; and  days, do we remember the " strange cat" that got
the eldest daughter hardly ventures beyond the  into the lumber-room at the top of the house! Our
chamber-door, but with astonishing boldness and  elder brother and "the boy" had endeavored to
exemplary daring springs a rattle; and the others dislodge the animal, which figured in their descriphold on each by each, taking fresh fright from one tion as a thing of intense blackness and monstrous
another's fears.  What an amount of suffering, dimensions, with great frightful staring green eyes,
dread, terror-is in the bosom of the little quiet horrid long claws, and such a tail!  Not "frightfamily, as down to the scene of danger they creep  ened of cats" were we, for we had a favorite one of
with tortoise-pace! And what is all this anxiety, our own; but this-it trebled in magnitude and'.,
this trepidation, this sickness of the heart, for?  horror the wildest and most savage inhabitants of
What has occasioned so terrific a commotion! Per- the then Exeter'Change.  Their own fears had
haps the tongs have fallen down, and the clatter magnified the "strange cat" into a monster; and
has filled their ears with all sorts of imaginary  then they wilfully enlarged the picture to terrify us
noises! Perhaps the cat is clawing at a string tied  -a feat, in which they succeeded, as we dared not
to the latch of the pantry-door; or, perhaps, the  go to the upper rooms alone. For two or three
stupid little kitten, having got her tail into the  days this "reign of terror" lasted, when, a favorcatch of the last new patent mouse-trap, has dragged  able opportunity being watched for, the "young
that excellent invention off the dresser, and is master" and the "young man" marched up, broom
whisking round at intervals in a wearying and vain  and brush in hand, to hunt out this strange secreted
endeavor to extricate her unprehensile appendage! intruder-this black tiger of the upper wilderness.
" Dear me! well, I declare, how I have been fright- As for our tiny self, we had ventured part of the
ening myself!" cries every member of the shivering  way up-stairs to witness the result, imagining that
family; and the very next night, should the same the enemy would make its exit by an attic window.




FRIGHTS.                                       803
l            1A
11,11I    I  i-,.
WIN    ~~, -.' j!
This little "tail piece" expanded to the dimensions  blaze of fire, will convey some idea of what, in the
of a full-ized Newfoundland dog, surrounded by a extremity of misapprehension, we actually did see.




804                    A FULL-DRESS PARTY.  A TOAD IN  A HOLE.
A FULL-DRESS PARTY.
DESIGNED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
WILL  YOU BE  OUR  VIS-A-VIS?"
A TOAD IN A HOLE.
FROM "THREE COURSES AND A DESSERT."  BY -  CLARKE.
THE Friars of Fairoak were assembled in a cham- Brother Kicodemus, thy offences are numberless as
ber adjoining the great hall of their house: the  the weeds which grow by the way-side. Here be
Abbot was seated in his chair of eminence, and all many who have much to say of thee; speak, Brotheyes were turned on Father Nicodemus.  Not a  er Ulick!"
word was uttered, until he who seemed to be the    "Brother Nicodemus," said Father Ulick, "hath,
object of so much interest, at length ventured to  truly, ever been a gross feeder."
speak.  "It behooveth not one of my years, per-   "And a lover of deep and most frequent potachance," said he, "to disturb the silence of my  tions," quoth Father Edmund.
elders and superiors; but, truly, I know not what    "And a roamer beyond due bounds," added Fameaneth this meeting; and surely my desire to be  ther Hugo.
edified is lawful. Hath it been decided that we    "Yea, and given to the utterance of many ficshould follow the example of our next-door neigh- tions," muttered his brother.
bors, the Arroasian Friars, and, henceforth, be    "Very voluble also, and not altogether of so
tongue-tied?  If not, do we come here to eat, or staid an aspect as becometh one of his order and
pray, or hold council? Ye seem  somewhat too  mellow years," drawled Father James.
grave for those bidden to a feast, and there lurk    "To speak plainly-a glutton," said the first
too many smiles about the faces of many of ye, for speaker.
this your silence to be a prelude to prayers. I can-    "Ay, and a drunkard," said the second.
not think we are about to consult on aught; be-   "Moreover, a night-walker," said the third.
cause, with reverence be it spoken, those who pass    "Also a liar," said the fourth.
for the wisest among us, look more silly than is   "Finally, a babbler and a buffoon," said the fifth.
their wont. But if we be here to eat, let us eat; if'"Ye rate me roundly, brethren," cried Nicodeto pray, let us pray; and if to hold council, what is mus; "and, truly, were ye my judges, I should
to be the knotty subject of our debate?"        speedily be convicted of these offences whereof I
"Thyself," replied the Abbot.                  am accused; but not a man among you is fitted to
"On what score?" inquired Nicodemus.           sit in judgment on the special misfeasance with
"On divers scores," quoth the Abbot; "thy mis- which he chargeth me. And I will reason with you,
deeds have grown rank; we must even root them  and tell you why. Now, first, to deal with Brother
out of thee, or root thee out of our fraternity, on  Ulick-who upbraideth me with gross feeding:which thou art bringing contumely. I tell thee, until he can prove that his stomach and mine are




A TOAD IN A HOLE.                                     805
of the same quality, clamor, and power digestive, I say it was I who beat thee?" demanded the accused'will not, without protest, permit him to accuse me friar.
of devouring swinishly. He is of so poor and weak    "Ay, truly, most respected Father Nicodemus."
a frame, that he cannot eat aught but soppets, with-   " Dost thou dare to repeat it? I am amazed at
out suffering the pangs of indigestion, and the noc- thy boldness-or, rather, thy stupidity-or, perhaps,
turnal visits of incubi, and more sprites than tempted  at thy loss of memory. Know, thou naughty hind,
Saint Anthony. It is no virtue in him to be abste- it was thyself who cudgelled thee! Didst thou not
mious; he is enforced to avoid eating the tithe of know that if thou wert to vex a dog ho would snap
what would be needful to a man of moderate stom- at thee?-or hew and hack a tree, and not fly, it
ach; and, behold, how lean he looks!  Next, would fall on thee?-or grieve and wound the feelBrother Edmund hath twitted me with being a deep ings of thy ghostly friend Father Nicodemus, he
drinker. Now, it is well known that Brother Ed- would cudgel thee?  Did I rouse myself into a
mund must not take a second cup after his repast; rage? Did I call myself a thief?  Answer me, my
being so puny of brain, that if he do, his head is son; did I?"
racked with myriads of pains and aches on the mor-   "No, truly, Father Nicodemus."
row, and it lieth like a log on his shoulder,-if per-   " Did I threaten, if I were not a son of Holy
chance he be enabled to rise from his pallet. Shall Mother Church, to kick myself out of thy house?
he, then, pronounce dogmatically on the quantity  Answer me, my son; did I?"
of potation lawful to a man in good health? I say,   "No, truly, Father Nicodemus.
nay. Brother Hugo, who chargeth me with roam-   " Am I less than a dog, or a tree? Answer me,
ing, is lame; and his brother, who saith that I am  my son; am I?"
an utterer of fictions, hath a brain which is truly    "No, truly, Father Nicodemus; but, truly, also-"
incompetent to conceive an idea, or to comprehend    "None of thy buts, my son; respond to me with
a fact. Brother James, who arraigneth me of volu- plain aye or no. Didst thou not do all these things
bility, passeth for a sage pillar of the church; be- antecedent to my breaking thy sconce 9"
cause, having naught to say, he looks grave and    "Aye, truly, Father Nicodemus."
holds his peace. I will be tried, if you will, by    "Then how canst thou say Ibeat thee? Should
Brother James, for gross feeding; he having a good  I have carried my staff to thy house, did I not
digestion and an appetite equal to mine own: or by  know thee to be a churl, and an enemy to the good
Brother Hugo, for drinking abundantly; inasmuch  brotherhood of this house? Was I to go into the
as he is wont to solace himself, under his infirmity, lion's den without my defence? Should I have dewith a full flask: or by Brother Ulick, for the ut- meaned myself to phlebotomize thee with my cudgel
terance of fictions; because he hath written a his- (and doubtless the operation was salubrious) hadst
tory of some of The Fathers, and admireth the blos- thou not aspersed me?  Was it for me to stand by,
soms of the brain: or by Brother Edmund, for not tamely, with three feet of blackthorn at my belt,
being sufficiently sedate; as he is, truly, a comfort- and hear a brother of this religious order, betwitted
able talker himself, and, although forced to eschew  as I was by thee, with petty larceny? Was it not
wine, of a most cheerful countenance. By Hugo's thine own breath, then, that brought the cudgel
brother I will be tried on no charge, seeing that he upon thy caput?  Answer me, my son."
is, was, and ever will be-in charity I speak it-an    "Lead forth John of the Hough, and call in the
egregious fool. Have ye aught else to set up against miller of Hornford," said the Abbot, before John of
me, brethren?"                                the Hough could reply. "Now, miller," continued
"Much more, Brother Nicodemus," said the Ab- he, as soon as the miller entered, "what hast thou
bot, "much more, to our sorrow. The cry of our to allege against this our good brother, Nicodevassals hath come up against thee; and it is now  mus?"
grown so loud and frequent, that we are unwillingly    "I allege," replied the miller, "that he is
enforced to assume our authority, as their lord and naught."
thy superior, to redress their grievances and correct   "Oh! thou especial rogue!" exclaimed Father
thy errors."                                   Nicodemus; " dost thou come here to bear witness
"Correct me!" exclaimed Father Nicodemus; against me?  I will impeach thy testimony by one
"why, what say the rogues?  Dare they throw  assertion, which thou canst not gainsay; for the
blur, blain, or blemish on my good name? Would  evidence of it is written on thy brow, thou brawny
that I might hear one of them!"                villain! Thou bearest malice against me, because
" Thou shalt be gratified; call in John of the I, some six years ago, inflicted a cracked crown on
Hough."                                        thee, for robbing this holy house of its lawful meal.
In a few moments, John of the Hough appeared, I deemed the punishment adequate to the offence,
with his head bound up, and looking alarmed as a and spoke not of it to the Abbot, in consideration
recently-punished hound when brought again into  of thy promising to mend thy ways. Hadst thou
the presence of him by whom he has been chas- not well merited that mark of my attention to the
tised.                                          interests of my brethren, the whole lordship would
"Fear not," said the Abbot; " fear not, John o' have heard of it. And didst thou ever say I made
the Hough, but speak boldly; and our benison or the wound? Never; thy tale was that some of thy
malison be on thee, as thou speakest true or false." mill-gear had done it. But I will be judged by any
"Father Nicodemus," said John o' the Hough, in here, if the scar be not of my blackthorn's maka voice rendered almost inaudible by fear, "broke ing. I will summon three score, at least, who shall
my head with a cudgel he weareth under his cloak." prove it to be my mark. Let it be viewed with
"When did he do this?" inquired the Abbot.   that on the head of thy foster-brother, John of the
" On the feast of St. James and Jude; oft be- Hough-I will abide by the'comparison. Thou hast
fore, and since, too, without provocation; and, last- hoarded malice in thy heart from that day; and
ly, on Monday se'nnight."                       now thou comest here to vomit it forth, as thou
"Why, thou strangely perverse varlet, dost thou  deemest, to my undoing. But, be sure, caitiff, that
52




806                                 A TOAD IN  A HOLE.
I shall testify upon thy sconce hereafter; for I know  strike indiscriminately, and without malice, I prothou art rogue enough to rob if thou canst, and fool test. May blessings follow these blows! Brother
enough to rob with so little discretion as to be easily Ulick, I grieve that you have thrust yourself within
detected; and even if my present staff be worn out, my reach. Look to the Abbot, some of ye, for,there be others in the woods: —ergo —"          miserable me!-I have laid him low. Man is weak,
"Peace, Brother Nicodemus!" exclaimed the  and this must be atoned for by fasting. Where is
Abbot; "approach not a single pace nearer to the  the author of this mischief? Miller, where art thou?"
miller; neither do thou threaten nor browbeat him,   Father Nicodemus continued to lay about him
I enjoin thee."                                 very lustily for several minutes; but,- before he
" Were it not for the reverence I owe to those  could deal with the miller as he wished, Friar Hugo's
who are round me, and my unwillingness to commit brother, who was on the floor, caught him by the
even so trifling a sin," said Nicodemus, "I would  legs, and suddenly threw him prostrate. He was
take this slanderous and ungrateful knave betwixt immediately overwhelmed by numbers, bound hand
my finger and thumb, and drop him among the  and foot, and carried to his own cell; where he
hungry eels of his own mill-stream. I chafe apace: was closely confined, and most vigilantly watched,
lay hands on me, brethren!-for I wax wroth, and  until the superiors of his order could be assembled.
am sure, in these moods, —so weak is man-to do  He was tried in the chamber which had been the
mischief ere my humor subside."                 scene of his exploits: the charge of having rudely
"Speak on, miller," said the Abbot; " and thou, raised his hand against the Abbot, and belabored
Brother Nicodemus, give way to thine inward ene- the holy brotherhood, was fully proved; and, ere
my, at thy peril."                             twenty-four hours had elapsed, Father Nicodemus
". I will -tell him-an' you will hold him back, and  found himself enclosed, with a pitcher of water and
seize his staff," said the miller,-" how he and the  a loaf, in a niche of a stone wall, in the lowest vault
roystering boatman of Frampton Ferry —"         of Fairoak Abbey.
"My time is coming!" exclaimed Nicodemus, in-   He soon began to feel round him, in order to
terrupting the miller; "bid him withdraw, or he  ascertain if there were any chance of escaping from
will have a sore head at his supper."          the tomb to which he had been consigned: the
"They caroused and carolled," said the miller, walls were old, but tolerably sound; he considered,
"with two travellers, like skeldring Jacks o' the  however, that it was his duty to break out if he
flagon, until-"                                 could; and he immediately determined on making
"Lay hands on Nicodemus, all!" cried the Ab- an attempt. Putting his back to the wall, which
bot, as the enraged friar'strode towards the miller; had been built up to enclose him for ever from the
"lay hands on the madman at once!"            world, and his feet against the opposite side of the
" It is too late," said Nicodemus, drawing forth a niche, he strained every nerve to push one of them
cudgel from beneath his cloak; " do not hinder me  down. The old wall at length began to move; he
now, for my blackthorn reverences not the heads reversed his position, and with his feet firmly
of the holy fraternity of Fairoak. Hold off, I say!" planted against the new work, he made such a treexclaimed he, as several of his brethren roughly at- mendous effort, that the ancient stones and mortar
tempted to seize him; " hold off, and mar me not gave way behind him. The next moment he found
in this mood; or to-day will, hereafter, be called  himself lying on his back, with a quantity of rubthe Feast of Blows. Nay, then, if you will not, I bish about him, on the cold pavement of a vault,
strike-may you be marked, but not maimed!" into which sufficient light glimmered, through a
The friar began to level a few of the most resolute  grating, to enable him to ascertain that he was no
of those about him as he spoke.  "I will deal longer in any part of Fairoak Abbey.
lightly as my cudgel will let me," pursued he. "I   The tongue-tied neighbors to whom Nicodemus




A TOAD IN  A HOLE.                                    807
had alluded, when he broke silence at that meeting  demus reached the garden-wall again; he clamof his brethren which terminated so unfortunately, bered over it, alighted safely on a heap of manure,
were monks of the same order as those of Fairoak  and was immediately seized by half a score of the
Abbey; among whom, about a century and a half stoutest among the Arroasians. Unluckily for Nicobefore the time of Nicodemus, such dissensions took  demus, the Superior himself had seen a figure, in
place, that the heads of the order were compelled  the costume of the Abbey, scaling the garden-wall,
to interfere; and under their sanction and advice, and had immediately ordered the bell to be rung,
two-and-twenty monks, who were desirous of follow- and a watch to be set, in order to take the offender
ing the fine example of the Arroasians of St. Augus- in the fact, on his return. The mode of administertin,-who neither wore linen nor ate flesh, and ob- ing justice among the Arroasians, was much more
served a perpetual silence, —seceded from the com- summary than in the Abbey of Fairoak. Nicodemunity, and elected an Abbot of their own. The mus was brought into the Superior's cell, and dileft wing of Fairoak Abbey was assigned to them  vested of his cloak; his cassock was then turned
for a residence, and the rents of a certain portion  down from his belt, and a bull's-hide thong severeof its lands were set apart for their support. Their ly applied to his back, before he could recover himfirst care was to separate themselves, by stout walls, self from the surprise into which his sudden capture
from all communication with their late brethren; had thrown him. His wrath rose, not gradually ae
and up to the days of Nicodemus, no friendly com- it did of old,-but in a moment, under the pain and
munion had taken place between the Arroasian and  indignity of the thong, it mounted to its highest
its mother Abbey.                               pitch. Breaking from those who were holding him,
Nicodemus had no doubt but that he was in one he plucked the blackthorn he had cut, from beneath
of the vahlts of the silent monks: in order that he his cassock, and without either benediction or exmight not be recognized as a brother of Fairoak, he cuse, silently but severely belabored all present, the
took off his black cloak and hood, and even his Superior himself not excepted. When his rage and
cassock and rochet, and concealed them beneath a strength were somewhat exhausted, the prostrate
few stones, in a corner of the recess from which he brethren rallied a little, and with the aid of the rehad just liberated himself. With some difficulty, he mainder of the community, who came to their asreached the inhabited part of the building; after sistance, they contrived to despoil Nicodemus of his,
terrifying several of the Arroasians, by abruptly  staff, and to secure him from doing further misbreaking upon their meditations, he at length found  chief.
an old white cloak and hood, arrayed in which he    The next morning, Nicodemus was stripped of his
took a seat at the table of the refectory, and, to the Arroasian habit; and, attired in nothing but the
amazement of the monks, tacitly helped himself to  linen in which he had first appeared among the
a portion of their frugal repast. The Superior of brethren, he was conducted, with very little cerethe community, by signs, requested him to state  mony, to the vaults beneath the Abbey.  Every
who and what he was; but Nicodemus, pointing to  member of the community advanced to give him a
the old Arroasian habit which he now wore, wisely  parting embrace, and the Superior pointed with his
held his peace. The good friars knew not how to  finger to a recess in the wall. Nicodemus was imact:-Nicodemus was suffered to enter into quiet mediately ushered into it, the wall was built up bepossession of a vacant cell; he joined in their silent hind him, and once more he found himself entombed
devotions, and acted in every respect as though he alive.
had been an Arroasian all his life.               " But that I am not so strong as I was of yore,
By degrees the good monks became reconciled to  after the lenten fare of my late brethren," said
his presence, and looked upon him as a brother. Nicodemus, "I should not be content to die thus,
He behaved most discreetly for several months; in a coffin of stones and mortar. What luck hast
but at length having grown weary of bread, water, thou here, Nicodemus?" continued the friar, as,
and silence, he, one evening, stole over the garden- poking about the floor of his narrow cell, he felt
wall, resolving to have an eel-pie and some malm- something like a garment, with his foot. " By rood
sey, spiced with a little jovial chat, in the company  and by rochet, mine own attire!-the cloak and
of his trusty friend, the boatman of Frampton Ferry. cassock, or I am much mistaken, which I left beHis first care, on finding himself at large, was to go  hind me when I was last here; for surely these are
to the coppice of Fairoak, and cut a yard of good  my old quarters! I did not think to be twice tenblackthorn, which he slung by a hazel gad to his ant of this hole; but man is weak, and I was born
girdle, but beneath his cassock. Resuming his path  to be the bane of blackthorn. The lazy rogues
towards the Ferry, he strode on at a brisk rate for found this niche ready-made to their hands, and,
a few minutes; when, to his great dismay, he heard  truth to say, they have walled me up like workmen.
the sound of the bell which summoned the Arroa- Ah, me! there is no soft place for me to bulge my
sians to meet in the chapel of their Abbey.    back through now. Hope have I none: but I will
"A  murrain on thy noisy tongue!" exclaimed  betake me to my anthems; and perchance, in due
Nicodemus, " on what emergency is thy tail tugged, season, I may light upon some means of making
to make thee yell at this unwonted hour?  There  egress."
is a grievous penalty attached to the offence of    Nicodemus had, by this time, contrived to put on
quitting the walls, either by day or by night; and  his cassock and cloak, which somewhat comforted
as I am now deemed a true Arroasian, by Botolph, his shivering body, and he forthwith began to
I stand here in jeopardy; for they will assuredly  chant his favorite anthem in such a lusty tone, that
discover my absence. I will return at once, slink  it was faintly heard by the Fairoak Abbey cellarinto my cell, and be found there afflicted with a man, and one of the friars who was in the vaults
lethargy, when they come to search for me; or, if  with him, selecting the ripest wines. On the alarm
occasion serve, join my brethren boldly in the  being given, a score of the brethren betook themchapel."                                       selves to the vaults; and, with torches in their
The bell had scarcely ceased to toll, whon Nico- hands, searched every corner for the anthem-singer,




808                               THE iDEAF POSTILION.
but without success. At length the cellarman ven- ask no one to believe me on my bare word. You
tured to observe, that, in his opinion, the sounds have wronged me, brethren, much; but I forgive
came from the wall; and the color left the cheeks you freely."
of all as the recollection of Nicodemus flashed upon    "A miracle! a miracle!" again shouted the
them. They gathered round the place where they amazed monks. They most respectfully declined
had enclosed him, and soon felt satisfied that the the proffered familiarities of Nicodemus, and still
awful anthem was there more distinctly heard than  gazed on him with profound awe, even after the
in any other part of the vault. The whole frater- most incredulous among them were convinced, by
nity soon assembled, and endeavored to come to the celerity with which a venison pasty, flanked by
some resolution as to how they ought to act. With a platter of brawn, and a capacious jack of Cyprus
fear and trembling, Father Hugo's brother moved wine vanished before him, in the refectory, that he
that they should at once open the wall: this pro- was truly their Brother Nicodemus, and still in the
posal was at first rejected with contempt, on ac- flesh. Ere long, the jolly friar became Abbot of
count of the known stupidity of the person with Fairoak: he was dubbed a saint after his decease;
whom it originated; but as no one ventured to sug- but as no miracles were ever wrought at his shrine,
gest any thing, either better or worse, it was at last his name has since been struck out of the calendar.
unanimously agreed to. With much solemnity,
they proceeded to make a large opening in the wall.
In a few minutes, Father Nicodemus appeared be-  
fore them, arrayed in his cloak and cassock, and
not much leaner or less rosy than when they bade
him, as they thought, an eternal adieu, nearly a
year before. The friars shouted, "A  miracle! a
miracle I" and Nicodemus did not deem it by any
means necessary to contradict them. "Ho, ho!"
brethren," exclaimed he, "you are coming to do
me justice at last, are you? By faith and troth, but
you are tardy! Your consciences, methinks, might
have urged you to enact this piece of good-fellowship some week or two ago. To dwell ten months
and more in so dark and solitary a den, like a toad
in a hole, is no child's-play. Let the man who                                  c
doubts, assume my place, and judge for himself. I
THE DEAF POSTILION.
FROM " THREE COURSES AND A DESSERT." BY -  CLARKE.
IN the month of January, 180A, Joey Duddle, a wheels was a very good excuse for such trifling
well-known postilion on the North Road, caught a blunders as Joey occasionally made; and whenever
cold, through sleeping without his night-cap; deaf- he found himself progressing towards a dilemma,
ness was, eventually, the consequence; and, as it he very dexterously contrived, by means of a sly
will presently appear, a young fortune-hunter lost poke with his spur, to make his hand-horse evidenttwenty-thousand pounds, and a handsome wife, ly require the whole of his attention.  At the
through Joey Duddle's indiscretion, in omitting, on journey's end, when the gentleman he had driven
one fatal occasion, to wear his sixpenny woollen produced a purse, Joey, without looking at his lips,
night-cap.                                    knew that he was asking a question, to which it
Joey did not discontinue driving, after his misfor- was his duty to reply " Thirteen and sixpence," or
tune; his eyes and his spurs were, generally speak- " Two-and-twenty shillings," according as the job
ing, of more utility in his monotonous avocation, had been, " the short up," or " the long down."
than his ears. His stage was, invariably, nine miles If any more questions were asked, Joey suddenly
up the road, or, "a short fifteen" down towards recollected something that demanded his immediate
Gretna; and he had repeated his two rides so often, attention; begged pardon, promised to be back in
that he could have gone over the ground blindfold. a moment, and disappeared, never to return. The
People in chaises are rarely given to talking with natural expression of his features indicated a retheir postilions; Joey knew, by experience, what markably taciturn disposition; almost every one
were the two or three important questions in post- with whom he came in contact, was deterred, by
ing, and the usual times and places when and where his physiognomy, from asking him any but necesthey were asked; and he was always prepared with sary questions; and as he was experienced enough
the proper answers. At those parts of the road, to answer, or cunning enough to evade these, when
where objects of interest to strangers occurred, he thought fit, but few travellers ever discovered
Joey faced about on his saddle, and if he perceived that Joey Duddle was deaf. So blind is man in
the eyes of his passengers fixed upon him, their some cases, even to his bodily defects, that Joey,
lips in motion, and their fingers pointing towards a judging from his general success in giving correct
gentleman's seat, a fertile valley, a beautiful stream, replies to the queries propounded to him, almost
or a fine wood, he naturally enough presumed that doubted his own infirmity; and never would admit
they were in the act of inquiring what the seat, the that he was above one point beyond a little hard
valley, the stream, or the wood was called; and he of hearing."
replied according to the fact,  The noise of the   On the first of June, in the year 1806, about nine




THE DEAF POSTILION.                                     809
o'clock in the moiwing, a chaise and four was per-   Before this short conversation between the gentleceived approaching towards the inn kept by Joey's man and the innkeeper was concluded, Joey Duddle
master, at a first-rate Gretna-Green gallop. As it had put-to his horses,-which were, of course,
dashed up to the door, the post-boys vociferated kept harnessed,-and taken his seat, prepared to
the usual call for two pair of horses in a hurry; start at a moment's notice. He kept his eye upon
but, unfortunately, the innkeeper had only Joey  the innkeeper, who gave the usual signal of a rapid
and his tits at home; and as the four horses which wave of the hand, as soon as the gentleman ceased
brought the chaise from the last posting-house, had speaking; and Joey Duddle's cattle, in obedience
already done a double job that day, the lads would to the whip and spur, hobbled off at that awkward
not ride them on, through so heavy a stage as "the and evidently painful pace, which is, perforce,
long down."                                   adopted by the most praiseworthy post-horses for
"How excessively provoking!" exclaimed one of the first ten minutes or so of their journey. But
the passengers; "I am certain that our pursuers the pair, over which Joey, presided, were, as the
are not far behind us. The idea of having the cup innkeeper had asserted, very speedy; and the genof bliss dashed from my very lips,-of such beauty  tleman soon felt satisfied, that it would take an exand affluence being snatched from me, for want of traordinary quadruple team to overtake them. His
a second pair of paltry posters, drives me frantic!" hopes rose at the sight of each succeeding mile"A Gretna-Green affair, I presume, sir," observed- stone; he ceased to put his head out of the window
the inquisitive landlord.                     every five minutes, and gazed anxiously up the
The gentleman made no scruple of admitting that road; he already anticipated a triumph,-when a
he had run away with a fair young creature who crack, a crush, a shriek from the lady, a jolt, an
accompanied him, and that she was entitled to a instant change of position, and a positive pause ocfortune of twenty thousand pounds;-" one half of curred, in the order in which they are stated, with
which," continued the gentleman, "I would freely such suddenness and relative rapidity, that the gengive,-if I had it, —to be, at this instant, behind four tleman was, for a moment or two, utterly deprived
horses, scampering away, due north, at full speed." of his presence of mind by alarm and astonishment.
"I can assure you, sir," said the landlord, "that The bolt which connects the fore-wheels, splintera fresh pair of such animals as I offer you, will carry bar, springs, fore-bed, axle-tree, et cetera, with the
you over the ground as quick as if you had ten  perch, that passes under the body of the chaise, to
dozen of the regular road-hacks. No man keeps the hind wheel-springs and carriage, had snapped
better cattle than I do, and this pair beats all the asunder; the whole of the fore parts were instantly
others in my stables by two miles an hour.'But in dragged onwards by the horses; the braces, by
ten minutes, perhaps, and certainly within half an which the body was attached to the fore-springs,
hour-"                                        gave way; the chaise fell forward, and of course,
" Half an hour! half a minute's delay might ruin remained stationary with its contents, in the middle
me," replied the gentleman; I hope I shall find the of the road; while the Deaf Postilion rode on,
character you have given your cattle a correct one; with his eyes intently fixed on vacuity before him,
dash on, postilion."                          as though nothing whatever had happened.
Alarmed, and indignant in the highest
degree, at the postilion's conduct, the gen- _       4  — c ~.      tleman shouted with all his might such ex___ _ ____                     clamations as any man would naturally use
S M -0                   =r    S | Aceon such an occasion; but Joey, although
still but at a little distance, took no notice
of what had occurred behind his back, and
very complacently trotted his horses on at
*<~g  -_-                                   Ad --— A/ -a the rate of eleven or twelve miles an hour.:              /d -  He thought the cattle went better than ever;
GBEThN               his mind was occupied with the prospect of
f- a speedy termination to his journey; he felt
___                       -2            ~ i elated at the idea of outstripping the pursuers,-for Joey had discrimination enough
to perceive, at a glance, that his passengers
were runaway lovers, —and he went on very
much to his own satisfaction. As he ap0- c i,  t * Am proached the inn, which terminated "the
long down," Joey, as usual, put his horses
upon their mettle, and they, having nothing
but a fore-carriage and a young lady's trunk
behind them, rattled up to the door at a rate
unexampled in the annals of posting, with
all the little boys and girls of the neighbor-:~~f<r~ ~  hood hallooing in their rear.
~ ~  ~        ~!,/ —  It was not until he drew up to the inn
t tF- )M3~a-k-~,~l~,~-2h~i"~`     door, and alighted from his saddle, that
Joey discovered his disaster; and nothing
_could equal the utter astonishment which
1-~~_ =   his features then displayed. He gazed at
the place where the body of his chaise,
his passengers, and hind-wheels ought to
-—:,.:~   _           have been, for above a minute; and then
suddenly started down the road, on foot,




810                          THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
under an idea that he must very recently have been overtaken by the young lady's friends. Poor
dropped them.  On reaching a little elevation, Joey immediately ran into a neighboring hay-loft,
which commanded above two miles of the ground  where he hid himself, in despair, for three days;
over which he had come, he found, to his utter and when discovered, he was, with great difficulty,
dismay, that no traces of the main body of his persuaded by his master, who highly esteemed him,
chaise were perceptible; nor could he discover his to resume his whip and return to his saddle.
passengers, who had, as it appeared in the sequel,
THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
BY MARK LEMON.
MY name is John Jones. I dare say you have seen sugar was the Havana of existence. We shook
it in the newspapers under the head of " POLICE," hands heartily with each other, and I was not a' A gentleman in trouble," " More knocker stealing," little surprised at his request to join the party above.
" Fashionable amusement," etc. Somebody has said I was in no humor to deny him any thing, and acthat all men are mad upon some subject or the cordingly Mr. Thomas Thompson was formally inother. Quite right, depend upon it. My mono- troduced to Mr. Frank Fitch and party.
mania is door-knockers, with an occasional furor   My uncle seemed bent upon making himself agreefor bell-handles. I've a museum, which I shall be able, and in order to do so, he begged to offer a
glad to show any gentleman who will leave his card few observations on organic remains, diluvial gravel,
with the publisher. There he will see specimens and some few other geological phenomena. In
arranged according to dates and localities. I shall spite of the horror depicted in every countenance
bequeath my collection to the Ironmongers' Com- at this announcement, he proceeded to recapitulate
pany, with permission to melt down any quantity it the absurdities of many of the exploded cosmogomay be thought desirable to devote to a bust of the nies of Calcot and others, discussed Hutton's theory,
founder of this unique exhibition. You now know  the elements of matter d parte ante, the destruction
who I am.                                      of mountains by atmospheric corrosion, and, I have
Last winter I had a few fellows at my rooms. no doubt, would have favored us with a few chapThe sleet beating at the window had induced every  ters of Buckland had not his auditors, one by one,
one to make his grog as hot and strong as possible. shirked away, shrouded in their own smoke.
The odorous tobacco-smoke wreathed itself about   When we, were left together, my uncle paused,
the room, and made the argand lamp on the table and producing a large pocket-book, took therefrom
look like the sun in a London fog. Frank Fitch  sundry slips cut from newspapers daily and weekly.
was on the sofa, singing "The Light of other Having spread them on the table before him, he
Days," whilst Harry Fletcher was roaring out "11 politely requested my attention to the information
Tomba," accompanying himself on the shovel and  which they contained. I obeyed him, and found
tongs. In fact, the evening was growing delightful, that all had relation to myself; they were all headed
when Bob (my man) brought in a ticket from an  "police," and ended with-" Mr. John Jones was
elderly gentleman from the country. I looked at fined five shillings and discharged."
it, and saw "Mr. Thomas Thompson, Birkenhead!"    "John," said my uncle, "I am very angry with
My uncle! He to whom I was indebted for my you-so angry, that if you continue in your present
quarterly allowance, and from whom I expected  course, I must make some alteration in the dispo3,0001. a year. I don't care what your opinions sition of my property. These occurrences are dismay be upon things in general, but you must ac- graceful."
knowledge that this was awkward.                 "Oh! my dear sir," I exclaimed, "it is not my
-,I scorn a deceit: so, emptying my glass, I went fault; it is the confounded police. They will be so
ad straight as I could to my uncle. There he stood, officious."
on the little mat in the passage, dressed in the same    "It is their duty to be so," answered my uncle.
prim blue coat, and pepper-and-salt trousers, that I "Our police force is an examplar to every other
remembered to have seen him in when a lump of nation. Active and intelligent, they have produced,




THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.                                811
I may say, a moral revolution, and I honor every  my uncle, as the policeman jerked him along. "This
member of it. Now, John, I will give you an hour's is a land of freedom-secured to the meanest subadvice. When a young man-"                     ject-in the realm —by Magna Charta-wrung from
But perhaps you will allow me to omit Mr. Thomas the ty-rant-John-at Run-ny-mede-June the
Thompson's maxims and opinions for young men twelfth-twelve hundred-and-fifteen-when the
studying for the bar-excellent as they are,-and  barons-"
be content with an observation which he made as   My uncle had nearly completed his abridgment
he paused on the step of my door-his arm within  of the history of England when we reached the stamy arm-preparatory to our departure for his inn, tion-house. The inspector was an old acquaintance
where he had asserted I should pass the night.  of mine."  "Ah, Mr. John Jones," he exclaimed,
"Jack, my dear boy, avoid brawls; they degrade  " havn't seen you for a month-what's the charge
a gentleman to the level of a blackguard. During -the usual, I suppose? Drunk and disorderly?"a somewhat riotous youth "-(dear old soul! he was and then the two bull's-eyes proceeded to give a
never out of a bed after ten, in his life)-" I never most lively and minute account of a series of viowas in the custody of the watch, nor did I ever lent assaults upon themselves and the lady before'
contribute a single crown to the reigning sovereign  alluded to.
of my country as a fine for vinous excitement. I   "Perjurers! rascals!" roared Mr. Thompson, " I
would not encounter such evils to be made presi- am a peaceable man —"
dent of the British Association for Scientific Pur-     "Very," said the inspector, continuing to write
poses!"                                      in the charge-book: " assaulting Mary Somers and
As my own opinions were so diametrically opposed  the police."
to my uncle's, I thought it becoming on my part to    " A lie, sir-a base lie, sir!"
bow and remain silent.                           "Thomas Thompson, drunk and disorderly,"
We had walked about five minutes, when our at- muttered the inspector.
tention was directed to a man and woman disputing    "Drunk, sir? I never was drunk in my life!"
in language highly objectionable to the excellent   "Ah, we know all about that; nobody never is
old gentleman who was my companion.            drunk-eh, Mr. Jones?" said the inspector, winking
"Dear me, Jack, that's very wrong," said my  at me.
uncle. "What does it mean?"                      Mr. Thompson had now become furious, and was
"It means that if the lady don't go to her resi- occupying the entire attention of four of the police.
dence in five minutes, the gentleman proposes to    "Search him," said the inspector.
try the effect of physical force," replied I.    " I'll not be searched; no man shall search me!"
"Good gracious! and he's doing it," exclaimed screamed Mr. Thompson, whilst his arms were
my uncle. The woman roared out most lustily; and stretched out like the letter Y; and two more of
the brutal fellow was about to repeat his violence, the police emptied his pockets in a twinkling. I
when my uncle laid his hand gently on the ruffian's had hitherto been amused at my uncle's positionshoulder, and remarked very mildly-            I now felt seriously anxious for him. His face was
" My good sir, you must not do that!"       the color of a peony, and his legs were in full play,
"Why mustn't he? he's my lawful husband, you  as though he were indulging in a fit of convulsions.
old wagabone," cried the woman, " and he's a right I remonstrated with the inspector, but my character
to hit me if I desarve it, and I do desarve it. Give was too well known to obtain any indulgence (behim in charge, Bill-Here! Police! Police! Mur- yond procuring a messenger for bail), and we were
der!" screamed the virago.                     consequently marched off to the cell, and turned in
Experience suggested to me the policy of ab- among some six or eight " disorderlies," to whom
squatilating. " Run, sir," said I to Mr. Thompson. Mr. Thompson rendered himself particularly dis" Run, sir " replied my uncle, with a look of dis- agreeable by the detail of his wrongs and his vocifdain that would have insured an antique Roman a erations through the grating in the door of the cell.
statue!                                        The bail at length arrived; and having been freIt was too late to argue, for two area gates opened  quently employed in the same capacity, was acat the moment, and a policeman rushed upon us cepted without delay. The cell-door was opened,
from each side of the street.                  and our janitor called out, "John Jones's bail."
"Now then?" said Bull's-eye 22.                I instantly stepped out, expecting my uncle's
"What is it?" asked Bull's-eve 23.          name would be the next; but the officer pausing, I
"That old un's been'salting my missis, and I said, "Well, there's Mr. Thompson!"
gives him in charge," said the tender husband.   " Incapable of taking care of himself-can't let
" And the t'other:helped him, I suppose," inquired  him out till the morning," answered the man, turn22.                                           ing the key in the lock.
"Yes," answered the affectionate wife.         My uncle's fury is indescribable. He kicked the
I was silent. Experientia docet.             door-abused the police-vowed all manner of ac"Allow  me to explain," said Mr. Thompson, tions-recited the whole of Magna Charta, until he
placing his fore-finger on the cuff of the policeman's fell back exhausted upon a huge coal-heaver, who
coat.                                          had laid himself down to sleep on the floor of the
" You see this, Figgs?" said 23, "striking me in  cell. I remained during the night in the stationthe execution of my duty;" and producing his staff, house. In the morning, Mr. Thompson and myself
he shook it awfully in the face of my uncle.   were placed at the bar. I saw that the magistrate
Mr. Thompson possessed a full bushel of virtues recognized me, and judged that the fact was not
-standard measure; nevertheless he had one fail- very likely to prejudice him in our favor. The
ing; he was very peppery, and the indignity now  charge was read over, and the evidence given; my
offered him shook the cayenne from him very con- uncle continually denying the assertions made, and
siderably.                                     being as continually compelled to be silent by the
"What do you mean, you scoundrel?" shouted  surly usher of the court.




812                             A FRIGHTFUL NARRATIVE.
"I shall fine them," said the magistrate, in the    My uncle was released in the course of the day,
mildest tone imaginable, " twenty shillings each for and started in the evening for Birkenhead. Within
the assault on the woman, three pounds each for a year, the excellent old gentleman was no more!
the assault on the police, and five shillings for being  Before he died, he had altered his will, but it was to
intoxicated.  And," continued his worship, " it make me his sole heir, as he stated "that I look
pains me exceedingly to see a gentleman of your upon my excellent nephew, John Jones, as a martyr,
age and apparent respectability placed in such a and the victim of that organized tyranny —the Londisgraceful position."                          don Police!"
Mr. Thompson was in a frenzy-talked about dy-   Poor dear uncle! whilst I write this, a tear falls
ing in jail-appealing to the House of Lords, and all upon the paper, and —
those other expedients which are the boast of a   I beg your pardon, but Fitch has just run in to
wronged. Briton. The result of his remarks was, say that the surgeon at the corner of the street has
that the magistrate remanded Mr. Thompson for a mounted a brass knocker of extraordinary dimenfew hours, until he was sufficiently recovered from  sions.-Brass-knockers are very scarce, and some
his debauch to be discharged. Mr. Thompson was lucky dog may get the start of me. Bob, my hat!
then dragged from the bar, for walk he would not.
A FRIGHTFUL NARRATIVE.
(BY AN OLD BACHELOR) BY MARK LEMON.
FELIX WILLIERS was my first and dearest friend., give them  to somebody else; and really there is
He was little as a boy, and little as a man; the  some pleasure in being sympathized with. Well!
only great thing about him was his heart, and that I thought I'd hunt up Williers. I thought that
was large enough for an elephant. He had but one twenty years were quite enough to owe a man a
fault, and that was a: desperate one-he was always grudge, even for marrying.
in love. Jilting did him no good; if one woman    Williers lives at Highgate, so I made the best of
played him false, he instantly made a declaration to  my way there. I used to like Highgate once. I
another. Fair or dark, short or tall, fat or slim, was then nineteen, and Mary Spiller was-no
were all the same to Williers; his heart was like a matter, I don't regret it now. Well, I found out
carpet-bag-you could cram any amount of love Williers's house, and just as I was about to ring
into it. I used to tell him it would be his ruin-so  the bell, I saw Felix and his family turn the corner.
it was-that is, it will be. When he married, I cut I'd been told that he had " his quiver full" of chilhim. Self-preservation is the first law of nature, dren-that one of his sons was "as big as a giant,"
and I didn't know but matrimony was catching. I and all that sort of thing, but I never thought that
called him a fool, and he said I was a brute. I poor Williers was so be-offspringed as I found him.
never saw Felix for twenty years afterwards.      I shall not describe our meeting; he seemed to
Last Sunday, I had the blues; I do have them  forget that any thing had ever occurred, and I'm
sometimes, particularly when my shirts have no  sure I never made a heartier dinner than I did at
buttons; and I found two in that state on the day  his table.
to which I allude.                               There's Felix and his family —and yet he declares
Whenever I'm in the blues, I always call upon a that he's happy.
friend; if I don't get rid of the megrims myself, I




HORRIBLE DELUSIONS.                                    813
After a glass or two of port, we walked into the  " done the state some service," boldly threw open
garden, and then back into the house. As I passed the door, and requested me to follow him. Delibethe door of a small room, I paused, paralysed-  rately-smilingly-did poor Williers place in a row
positively paralysed-by the objects which met my the objects which had excited my horror. As he
eye. Williers perceived my embarrassment, and  did so, he said emphaticallythen, with the air of a man who feels that he hath   "Those shoes areI     Baby's.
Pet's.
Harry's.
- Mary Anne's....... - -    Elizabeth's.
Catherine's.
Caroline's.:roll. -~_~:. -    -...... Billy's,..~.~.~.~......... _Miss W.'s.
Frederick's..-.. - - —..Mr. W. Jun.'s........... Mrs. W.'s.
-;................... and My Own!"
The recollection of that scene has overpowered  let you know all that occurred until I got into the
me. Should my tea and muffins restore me, I will omnibus.     *       *      *      *        *
HORRIBLE DELUSIONS.
BY MARK LEMON.
EVERY one who has visited Brighton must know  draught, and would rather not take a glass of
Trumper Terrace. It is one of the most quiet local- ginger-wine before dinner. Hem! Mrs. Abbott
ities of the town, and is easily recognized by the speaks.
green verandahs over the dining-room windows,   "It's two years ago come Tuesday, that I was
and by the brilliant brass knobs which ornament sitting where you may be now, turning a brown
the centre of the modest green doors. The small holland sofa cover, for which they charge sixteen
gardens in front are astronomically laid out in full- pence to wash, whereas only one side was dirty, and
moons, half-moons, and stars, with neat gravelly  I thought I would have the benefit of the one which
ways between them. During the season the houses was not, when Bloomfield, our page as was then,
are let out to emigrants from the metropolis, at but who is now grown into Lord Lobsky's family,
proportionably moderate rents, considering that and wears a sky-blue livery, and his hair in powder,
each proprietor keeps a full-buttoned page for the perhaps you know'em?  Hem!  I thought you
use of the lodgers, who are always persons of the  might. Well, as I was saying, Bloomfield announhighest respectability, and without "incumbrances" ces a gentleman to look at the apartments. I rolled
as children are appropriately designated.       up the sofa cover, and telling him to show the genIf you have half an hour to spare, let me intro- tleman into the next room, put it into the chiffoduce you to Mrs. Abbott, of 48, Trumper Terrace. niere, the very one at your back, sir, and went to
This is Mrs. Abbott, and a lady of the Gamp school the person so announced, and found a very mild,
of oratory, full-blown as a peony, and nearly as red. gentlemanly young man, attired in deep mourning,
Fifty-two, are you not, Mrs. Abbott?  No —only  about three-and-twenty, with a small riding-whip in:
forty-seven, but: parish registers are invariably  his hand, and light auburn hair rather inclined to
wrong. I believe you are a widow, and have kept be carroty."
a lodging-house two-and-twenty years?  You have    "' Mrs. Abbott,' says he.
done pretty well at the business? Pretty well. I   "'Yes, sir,' says I.
thought so. You would rather not say how you    "'You've apartments to let?'
realized your profits? Very well, we have no par-   "' Yes, sir,' says I.' Two pun' ten a-week, washticular object in inquiring. You have a daughter? ing extra, including boot-cleaning and attendance,
Married?  Recently, I believe? Would you oblige without firing, and the use of the piano.'
us with a history of her courtship, or at least so    "'My name is Mr. Bosberry,' says he,'and I enmuch as relates to Mr. Bosberry, your son-in-law's gage your apartments on those terms, having just
horrible delusions? I knew you would. We do lost a distant relation, and shall take possession towish it, upon my honor. I don't mind sitting in a morrow, having received a legacy of considerable




814                               HORRIBLE DELUSIONS.
amount; and when my man brings my luggage, be to place the money in his desk, and judge of his
kind enough to let a fire be lighted in both rooms.' horror when, reflected in the mirror, he saw Jack"'Sir, it shall be done,' says I,'but without a son whispering to Julia, Julia smiling on Jackson,
reference or a deposit, I shouldn't like, as it is and both affectionately pressing the hands of each
usual —'                                      other. In a state of mind "more easily imagined
"'I beg pardon,' said he,'for forgetting it. than described," he returned into the front room,
There's a five-pound note, with my name and ad- and, with a smile as ghastly as a gorgon's, requested
dress on that card, which though it's a country  Jackson to take some wine.
note, is as good as the Bank of England, and any    "No wine, thank you," said Jackson, "but if my
body knows me in Coleman-street, London."'    dear young friend would favor me with a cup of
And Mr. Bosberry took your apartments, I be- coffee, I should be greatly obliged."
lieve, Mrs. Abbott, and continued to occupy them    "Viper! " thought Bosberry; *"but I won't be
for many months, during which time he formed an  done; he shall not stop here.-Jackson," said he,
attachment for your daughter Julia, proposed for sotto voce, "I have a most particular appointment
her, was accepted, and had arranged every thing  with Captain Hamstringer, and Julia detests him so
for the joyful occasion, when the circumstances oc- much, that I know not how to get away. It is
curred which you will now relate to us. You were already five minutes past the hour. Can you take
about to say that Mr. Bosberry was of rather a jeal- me out?"
ous temperament, and that on the twelfth day pre-   "I'll do it," said Jackson, winking violently at
ceding the wedding, he called you into the room and Bosberry, and then continuing, in a loud voice, " By
said-Pray go on, Mrs. Abbott.                 the bye, I have just parted from old Bonus, our
"'Mrs. Abbott,' says he,'I shall be married in  director; he told me he wished to see you immediLondon.'                                      ately; I quite forgot to name it before. You'll
"' In London!' I shrieks; and down I set on that find him at The Ship. Now, make no stranger of
ottoman where Mary has left the dust-pan and a me," continued Jackson, in answer to Bosberry's
bundle of fire-wood, which you will excuse.   negative gesticulations; "go, I insist upon it," and
"' Yes, ma'am,' says Mr. Bosberry,' for Miss Ab- half by force, half by persuasion, the unhappy man
bott seems lately, ma'am, to be holding a daily levee was compelled to leave the house in possession of
and drawing-room of all the male population of the enemy.
Brighton.'                                      Jackson remained in earnest conversation with
" Sir,' says I, of course feeling naturally all my Julia for something more than an hour, when, again
maternal dignity rising in my throat, and choking pressing her hand to his lips, he took his departure.
my utterance, so that I could not speak without How happy that conversation had made Julia!
coughing,'Julia is above suspicion, and has re-   Jackson had just left the house, when a sort of a
ceived from her cradle, as well as five years' board gentleman applied to see the apartments. The apand tuition under Mrs. Roscommon's finishing acade- plicant was very showily dressed, and might have
my, an education above the ordinary, and which served as the embodiment of one of those poetical
would render her incapable of such conduct as you advertisements (the tailor very properly invoking
attribute to that unoffending girl,' who that instant the nine) of Schneider art which daily tempt the
entered the room, and took a seat accordingly. unwary. A naval cap, anchored and laced, was
But I fear I'm boring you, and your friend, and as placed jauntily on one side of his head, and conthe washerwoman has just drove up to the door in trasted somewhat oddly with the brass spurs which
her cart, and I've not made out the book, perhaps adorned the heels of his boots. Bloomfield, who
you'll tell him the rest and allow me to wish you always acted as groom of the chamber (until the
good morning."                                appearance of a nibble, when his mistress was orGood morning, Mrs. Abbott.                  dered to be summoned), was delighted with him.
So if you'll stroll with me to the pier, I will con- He thought him a "perfect gent," and as such
tinue this disjointed narrative.              looked forward to much fun and many stray sixBosberry was resolute; he vowed they should pences. The stranger seemed particularly pleased
leave Brighton on the morrow, or he would do with all the arrangements, especially admiring the
something desperate. The ladies were fain to suc- weight of the forks and spoons, which Bloomfield
cumb, and Mrs. Abbott, with an eye to business, assured him "was real silver, and none of your
stuck up in the window a bill of "Apartments to'lectrifying, which took all the steam out of a boy
let," within an hour of the foregoing conversation.  to make'em look decent."  Mr. Bosberry's gold
"Bloomfield," exclaimed Bosberry, "say Miss watch on the mantel-piece was also honored with
Abbott is out; say I am out to every body that the stranger's warmest commendations; and Bloomcalls to-day."                                field had the interest of the establishment too much
Rat-tat-tat, went the knocker instantly, as though  at heart to inform the gentleman that the watch did
to test the page's fidelity.                  not go with the lodgings.." Out, sir, all on'em out, sir," said Bloomfield, in    " Let me see your missis," said the stranger; "if
a very loud voice.                            we can hagree about terms, I think the hapartments
"Indeed! Tell Mr. Bosberry that Mr. Jackson  will do."
called," said the visitor, and bang went the door.  Bloomfield rushed from the room, delighted.
"Jackson!  I lent him ten pounds yesterday,   The stranger was evidently a genius, for the moand he's called to pay me. Here! Hi! Jackson, mqnt the boy had gone, he performed three rapid
old boy," cried Bosberry, from the Verandah. "At acts of eccentricity. He twisted the bolt from the
home to you, of course. Here, come in at the win- French window; he drained Mr. Bosberry's decandow; give me your hand; up you are! " and Mr. ter, which stood upon the table, and appropriated
Jackson was handed in accordingly.            that gentleman's best hat, which by chance was on
He had called to discharge his obligation; there the sideboard!  He also looked wistfully at the
was the note. Bosberry went into an inner room  watch, the spoons, and the forks, and shrugging his




HORRIBLE DELUSIONS.                                   815
shoulders muttered, "No, not now-them lodging- ground! He gave it to Julia on her last birth-day.
house keepers have heyes like'awks."           He staggered almost insensible from the window,
Mrs. Abbott requested the stranger's presence in  and buried his face in the sofa pillow.
the parlor, where all matters of business must have
been speedily arranged, as very shortly after the    Miss Abbott called "Bloomfield!"
eccentric gentleman was seen walking on the Pier,   "Hark! that's her voice! "
and observed to borrow the contents of an old gen-   " Take this letter to the Bedford Hotel, and if
tleman's pocket-the said old gentleman being at the gentleman is within, wait for an answer."
the time up to his eyes in the parliamentary debate    "What gentleman ought she to know at the Bedon the Corn Laws.                              ford?" mentally ejaculated the distracted Bosberry.
But where was Bosberry?  Flitting round and  "What's this? My writing case! Yes, and. here,
about Trumper Terrace like a perturbed spirit. He on the blotting-paper, is" (and he held the tell-tale
had watched Jackson leave the house; he had  sheet before the candle) "T-h-o-s. B-l-a-c-k, E-s-q.,
noted every minute of his stay; he had seen the  B-e-d-f-," and he read no more.
eccentric gentleman enter the once happy No. 48;     "Some one must be sacrificed," he exclaimed,
had seen him in the parlor, and of course had  hastily producing a brace of pistols, and proceeding
placed him to the account of the faithless Julia. to load them; "there must be a wretch in the
But he had not seen pretty little Julia Johnson  house now-if he's-not too big, I will immolate him
(Miss Abbott's cousin and namesake) at the door, on the altar of-. Zounds! I've rammed a nut into
and heard her give the faintest rat-a-tat imagin- the pistol instead of a bullet-no matter-and now
able.                                           there's the taper gone out-but revenge is sweet.
"Oh, Julia! " exclaimed Julia Johnson, as she Why did I:love her-why?" and throwing himself
rushed into- the arms of Julia Abbott, "Jackson  on the sofa, he continued, for upwards of an hour,
has told you all; I have just received his note-  to upbraid himself vainly and incoherently, until he
here it is; and he assures me his father has con- was aroused by a noise at the window. -
sented to our being married in a month, and that   "What's that?  A man in the balcony?"
John would meet me here at nine o'clock-and    Yes,- it was the eccentric gentleman returned no
there he is-I'm sure that's his knock."         doubt (as he assured Bosberry) with a bull's-eye
It was Jackson, sure enough.- Bosberry saw  lantern to look for the cap he had so strangely left
him! One hour, ten minutes, and thirty-nine sec- behind him.
onds did Bosberry watch for his departure, but in    Bosberry's calmness was getting awful.
vain. At the fortieth second he-but we must not   "Sir," said he, "this subterfuge shall not save
anticipate events.                              you —this sort of thing is getting unbearable-I
"We can never thank you enough, dear Julia,"  must take some decisive steps-your card, sir."
saiid Jackson, again pressing Miss Abbott's hands to    The eccentric gentleman seemed puzzled by this
his lips; "but for you how few would have been  request; but, after a mom ent's hesitation, produced
our meetings; but now all will be well; in a month  a card-case, and handed the required pasteboard to
she will be mine, never to be separated from me Bosberry, who read aloud firmly and distinctly the
but by death! Oh, Julia! —etc., etc., etc."     name of "THoMAs BLACK."
"There, see him to the door, do," said Miss Ab-   "Enough," said Bosberry, "I understand the
bott; "of course you have something to say to  purport of your visit —take your choice, sir (and he
each other; but, dearest, wrap my shawl over your pointed to the pistols on the table), for I am deshead, there's a dreadful draught in our passage-  perate."
Mr. Bosberry nearly caught his death there before    "What do you mean?  I haint going to fight,"
we were quite engaged."  And the considerate girl exclaimed the stranger. "Call the perlice if you
bounded up to the second floor like a —like a-  like, but no fire-harms —I don't resist."
bird.                                             " Coward," said Bosberry, with more dignity than
Miss Abbott was right; Jackson and his Julia he had before exhibited, "I demand SATISFACTION!"
had much to say on their way to the street-door:   "Satisfaction! the man's a hass," replied the
and it was during their "happy converse" that stranger, seizing a pistol. "Come, let me go, misBosberry's patience exhausted itself.          ter-I hain't a going to be shot at neither."
"By jingo! I will know the worst!" he ex-   "Never!  I shall —" cried Bosberry, but recolclaimed; " she's a flirt-a coquette: I will listen  lecting that one of the pistols only was loaded withat the keyhole-any thing to bring detection home ball, he altered the proposed form of the sentence
to her.- Ah! the balcony!"  And stealthily as a into-" shall it be said that I took a mean advancat he clambered into the dining-room.          tage of an enemy. You may go, sir! to-morrow
All was still; the last streak of sunlight was fad- you shall hear from me! but I'll trouble you for
ing in the horizon. Bosberry could not discern the that pistol, as I do not wish to spoil the pair."
objects in the room: he lighted a taper.' The first   " Don't you," said the eccentric stranger, making
thing which struck him was the exhausted decanter. a retrograde movement to the windows, " but ye're
The next object which caught his attention was the *not a-going to pop at me when mpyack's turned,
eccentric gentleman's abandoned cap.  Bosberry  so here's off."
shook with rage and agony.                        Bosberry instantly rushed upon him, and a fear"Another admirer! Oh, Jul —" and- the word  ful struggle ensued, during which the pistol, either
stuck as fast in his throat as a fish-bone; for atgat by accident or design, was discharged, and the piermoment he heard voices at the street-door. What glass (48-in. by 56-in.) was shivered into a thousand
was that?-a kiss! He crept to the window, and  pieces.
there he saw the perfidious Jackson again attempt   The noise brought all the family into the room!
to embrace a figure enveloped in a shawl! Ah! he There lay Bosberry, in the centre of the room, coknew that shawl too well-the gaslight showed him  vered with the fragments of the dessert, and renthe pattern; a pale blue pine-apple on a white  dered helpless by the weight of the inverted table,




816                         THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER.
placed thus by the eccentric gentleman, who had    "But Jackson-the shawl-"
retreated as he- had entered, by the window.     "Was worn by me," said Miss Johnson. " Mr.
*  *     *        *          Jackson is my-"
"And now, having told you all I think and feel,"   "Affianced husband," exclaimed Mrs. Abbott;
said Bosberry, after the necessary screaming and  "and if it hadn't been for some people such an
fainting had subsided, "I beg to remark that this is event had never been, now foully suspected and
the work of your friend, ma'am-of your friend, sought to be injured in name and fame."
ma'am," and he looked at Julia.                  Bosberry was more bothered-more so, when a
"Of m-y-y-y friend," sobbed out Miss Abbott.   police officer (introduced by Bloomfield) requested
"Yes-your friend-Mr. Thomas B1-  "           his attendance in the morning to give what evidence
"Mr. Thomas Black," announced Bloomfield.    he could against the eccentric gentleman, who was
"Why, he's never dared to come back," cried then at the station-house, laboring under something
Bosberry, as a very respectable elderly gentleman  more than a suspicion of theft.
was ushered into the room. It was the same that   Bosberry fell on his knees    *    * 
the eccentric gentleman had "eased" of pocket;  If you refer to the Supplement of the Times, Sephandkerchief and card-case in the morning,    tember 31, 1847, and look for "Marriages," you
"Uncle!" cried Julia.                       will read as follows:
"Brother!" cried Mrs. Abbott. "Welcome home    "On the 29th, at St. Buckleton's, Brighton, Aufrom India!"                                   gustus Brown Bosberry, Esq., to Julia, only daughYes! quite true; Mr. Thomas Black, after along  ter of Mrs. Rackstraw Abbott, of Trumper Tersojourn in the East, had come down to Brighton to  race."
seek out his relatives, the Abbotts. His name an-   " On the same day, at the same place, John Jacknounced in the "Arrivals," had informed Mrs. Ab- son, Esq., to Julia, ninth daughter of Peter Johnbott of his whereabouts, and Julia had written ac- son, Esq., of the Dyke, Brighton."
cordingly. Bosberry was bothered.
THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER., galLe of i~t *urxnantural.
BY MARK LEMON.
AT the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Agnes. His love-dreams placed him in all kinds of
Rhine, in the year of grace 1830, resided one Hans awkward predicaments.
Scrapschins, an industrious and close-shaving bar-   And Agnes-what thought she of the unhappy
ber.  His industry met with due encouragement barber? Nothing, except that he was a presumpfrom the bearded portion of the community; and tuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable garthe softer sex, whose greatest fault is fickleness, ments. Hans received an intimation of this latter
generally selected Hans for the honor of new- opinion; and, after sundry quailings and misgivings,
fronting them, when they had grown tired of the he resolved to dispose of his remaining stock in
ringlets nature had bestowed, and which time had  trade, and, for once, dress like a gentleman. The
frosted.                                       measure had been taken by the tailor, the garments
Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the  had been basted and tried on, and Hans was standcareful old burghers foretold of his future well- ing at his door in a state of feverish excitement,
doing; when he met with a misfortune, which  awaiting their arrival in a completed condition (as
promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave there was to be a fete on the morrow, at which
him a beggar. He fell in love.                 Agnes was to be present), when a stranger requested
Neighbors warned Hans of the consequences of to be shaved. Hans wished him at the-next
his folly; but all remonstrance was vain. Cus- barber's; but there was something so unpleasantly
tomers became scarce, wearing out their patience positive in the visitor's appearance, that he had not
and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, the power to object, so politely bowed him into the
and winter saw the flies of summer scattered on his shop. The stranger removed his cap, and discovshow-board.                                    ered two very ugly protuberances, one on each
Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocks- side of his head, and of most unphrenological apbawler. Her eyes were as blue as a summer's sky, pearance. Hans commenced operations-the lather
her cheeks as rosy as an autumn sunset, and her dried as fast as he laid it on, and the razor emitted
teeth as white as winter's snow. Her hair was a small sparks as it encountered the bristles on the
beautiful flaxen-not a drab-but that peculiar stranger's chin. Hans felt particularly uncomfortsevenpenny-nr t-sugar tint which the poets of old able, and not a word had hitherto passed on either
were wont to call golden. Her voice was melo- side, when the stranger broke the ice by asking radious; her notes in alt. were equal to Grisi's: in ther abruptly, "Have you any schnapps in the
short, she would have been a very desirable, lova- house?" Hans jumped like a parched pea. Withble young lady, if she had not been a coquette.  ouwaiting for a reply, the stranger rose, and
Hans met her at a festival given in commemora- opened the cupboard.  "I never take any thing
tion of the demise of the burgomaster's second wife stronger than water," said Hans, in reply to the
— I beg pardon, I mean in celebration of his union  " Pshaw!" which broke from the stranger's lips as
with his third bride. From that day, Hans was a he smelt at the contents of a little brown pitcher.
lost barber.  Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, "More fool you," replied his customer. "Here,
weaving, or powdering, he thought of nothing but taste that-some of the richest grape-blood of




THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER.                                   817
Rheinga;" and he handed Hans a small flask, which  had had, he proceeded to put on his pantaloons.
the sober barber respectfully declined.  "Ha! ha! With great care he thrust his left leg into its proper
and yet you hope to thrive with the women," said  division, when, to his horror and amazement, he
the stranger.  "No wonder that Agnes treats you  found that he had grown two feet at least during the
as she does. But drink, manl! drink!"
The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his chair, hung one leg over the back
of another, and striking his finger briskly down his
nose, elicited a flame that ignited his tobacco, and
then he puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the
shop coughed aloud. The uneasiness of Halls increased, and he looked towards the door with the
most cowardly intention; and, lo! two laughing,
dimpled faces were peeping in at them.  "Ha!
how are you?" said the stranger; " come in! come
in!" and to Hans's horror, two very equivocal
damsels entered the shop. Hans felt scandalized,
and was about to make a most powerful remonstrance, when he encountered the eye of his impertinent customer; and, from its sinister expression,
he thought it wise to be silent. One of the damsels
seated herself upon the stranger's knee, whilst the
other looked most coaxingly to the barber; whou
however, remained proof to all her winks and
blinks, and "wreathed smiles."
"'Sblitzen!" exclaimed the lady, "the man's an
icicle!"     I
"Hans, you're a fool!" said the stranger; and
his inamorata concurred in the opinion. The flask                                 k -b.
was again proffered-the eye-artillery again brought
into action, but Hans remained constant to pump-                   - -
water and Agnes Flirtitz.
The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one             -
of his head ornaments, as though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious conduct of the  night; and that the pantaloons which'had fitted so
barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies admirably before, were now only knee-breeches.
out. As he stood, with one foot on the step of the  He rushed to the window with the intention of
door, he turned his head scornfully over his shoulder breaking his neck by a leap into the street, when
and said, "Hans, you are nothing but-a barber; his eye fell upon the strange customer of the prebut before I eat, you shall repent of your present ceding day, who was leaning against the gable-end
determination."                                 of the house opposite, quietly smoking his meer"What security have I that you will keep your schaum.  Hans paused; then thought, and then
word?" replied Hans, who felt emboldened by the  concluded that having found an appetite, he had
outside situation of his customer, and the shop  repented of his boast at parting, and had called for
poker, of which he had obtained possession.     his teeth. Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled
"The best in the world," said the stranger. down stairs, and opening the door, called him to
"Here, take these!" and placing both rows of his come over.  The stranger obeyed the summons,
teeth in the hands of the astonished Hans, he but honorably refused to accept of his teeth, exquietly walked up the street with the ladies.   cept on the conditions of the wager.  To Hans'
The astonishment of Hans had somewhat sub- great surprise he seemed perfectly acquainted with
sided, when Stitz, the tailor, entered with the so- the phenomenon of the past night, and good-namuch and the so-long-expected garments.  The turedly offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the
stranger was forgotten; the door was bolted, the  barber's dilemma. The stranger departed, and in
clothes tried on, and they fitted to a miracle. A  a few moments the tailor arrived, and having ascersmall three-cornered piece of looking-glass was held  tained by his inch-measure the truth of Hans' conin every direction by the delighted tailor, who de- jectures, bade him be of good cheer, as he had a
clared this performance his chef-d'ceuvre; and Hans suit of clothes which would exactly fit him. They
felt, for the first time in his life, that he looked like  had been made for a travelling giant, who had
a gentleman. Without a moment's hesitation, or either forgotten to call for them, or suspected that
the slightest hint at discount for ready money, he  Stitz would require the gelt before he gave up the
gave the tailor his last thaler, and his old suit of broadcloth.
clothes, as per contract; shook Stitz's hand at part-   The tailor was right-they did At-and in an
ing, till every bone of the tailor's fingers ached for hour afterwards Hans was on his way to the fete.
an hour afterwards, bolted the door, and went to  When he arrived there, many of his old friends
bed the poorest but happiest barber in Stots- stood agape for a few moments; but, as stranger
bawler.                                         things had occurred in Germany than a man growAfter a restless night, Hans rose the next morn- ing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to
ing with the oddest sensation in the world. He  notice the alteration in Hans' appearance. Agnes
fancied that the bed was shorter, the chairs lower, was evidently struck with the improvement of the
and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; barber's figure, and for two whole hours did he enbut attributing this feeling to the feverish sleep he joy the extreme felicity of making half-a-dozen




818                                LAU1GH AND GET FAT.
other young gentlemen miserable, by monopolizing  have called for my teeth. You see I have kept my
the arm and conversation of the beauty of Stocks- promise."  Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies
bawler. But pleasure, like fine weather, lasts not giggled.
forever; and, as Hans and Agnes turned the cor-   "Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take
ner of a path, his eye again encountered the stran- the flask-forget Agnes, and console yourself with
ger. Whether it was from fear or dislike, he knew  the love of —"
not, but his heart seemed to sink, and so did his   The conclusion of this harangue must for ever
body; for, to his utter.dismay, he found that he remain a mystery; for Hans, at this moment, took
had shrunk to his original proportions, and that the  up the family volume which had served him for a
garment of the giant hung about him in any thing  pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A
but graceful festoons. He felt that he was a human  scream, so loud that it broke the tympanum of his
telescope, that some infernal power could elongate  left ear, seemed to issue from them simultaneously
or shut up at pleasure.                         -a thick vapor filled the room, which gradually
The whole band of jealous rivals set up the  cleared off, and left no traces of Hans' visitors but
"Laughing Chorus," and Agnes, in the extremity  three small sticks of stone brimstone. The truth
of her disgust, turned up her nose till she nearly  flashed upon the barber-his visitor was the farfractured its bridge, whilst Hans rushed from the famed Mephistopheles.  Hans packed up his rescene of his disgrace, and never stopped running  maining wardrobe, razor, strop, soap-dish, scissors,
until he opened the door. of his little shop, threw  and combs, and turned his back upon Stocksbawler
himself into a chair, and laid his head down upon  for ever. Four years passed away, and Hans was
an old "family Bible" which chanced to be upon  again a thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife
the table. In this position he continued for some  of the doctor of Stocksbawler.  Another year
time, when, on raising his head, he found his tor- passed on, and Hans was both a husband and a
mentor and the two ladies, grouped like the Graces, father; but the coquette who had nearly been his
in the centre of the apartment.                 ruin had eloped with the chasseur of a travelling
"Well, Scrapschins," said the gentleman, " I nobleman.
LAUGH AND GET FAT!
BY      FITZGERALD.
Lack we motives to laugh? Are not all things, any thing, every thing, to be laughed at? And if nothing were to be
seen, felt, heard, or understood, we would laugh at it tOo.-MERRY BEGGARS.
THERE'S nothing here on earth deserves          My brother gave his heart away
Half of the thought we waste about it;          To Mercandotti, when he met her;
And thinking but destroys the nerves,           She married Mr. Ball one dayWhen we could do so well without it:            He's gone to Sweden to forget her!
If folks would let the world go round,          I had a charmer, too-and sighed
And pay their tithes, and eat their dinners,    And raved all day and night about her;
Such doleful looks would not be found,          She caught a cold, poor thing! and died,
To frighten us poor laughing sinners:           And I-am just as fat without her!
Never sigh when you can sing,                   Never sigh when you can sing,
But laugh, like me, at every thing!             But laugh, like me, at every thing!
One plagues himself about the sun,              For tears are vastly pretty things,
And puzzles on, through every weather,          But make one very thin and taper;
What time he'll rise,-how long he'll run,-      And sighs are music's sweetest strings,
And when he'll leave us altogether:             But sound most beautiful —on paper!
Now matters it a pebble-stone,                  "Thought" is the Sage's brightest star,
Whether he shines at six or seven?             Her gems alone are worth his finding;
If they don't leave the sun alone,              But as I'm not particular,
At last they'll plague him out of heaven!       Please God, I'll keep on "never-minding."
Never sigh when you can sing,                   Never sigh when you can sing,
But laugh, like me, at every thing!             But laugh, like me, at every thing!
Another spins from out his brains               Oh! in this troubled world of ours,
Fine cobwebs, to amuse his neighbors,           A laughter mine's a glorious treasure;
And gets, for all his toils and pains,          And separating thorns from flowers,
Reviewed and laughed at for his labors: ~       Is half a pain and half a pleasure:
Fame is his star! and fame is sweet;           *And why be grave instead of gay?
And praise is pleasanter than honey,-           Why feel a-thirst while folks are quaffing?
I write at just so much a sheet,                Oh! trust me, whatsoe'er they say,
And Messrs. Longman pay the money!              There's nothing half so good as laughing!
Never sigh when you can sing,                   Never sigh when you can sing,
But laugh, like me, at every thing!            But laugh, like me, at every thing!




THE DEMON GOOSEBERRY.                                    819
THE DEMON GOOSEBERRY.
A COUNTRY TALE. BY CHARLES HOOTON.
the ordinary thinking faculties, rendered them in a
manner unfit for much rational conversation. The
_ —-_                           pith of their brains appeared to represent the
crumpled heart of a cabbage; insomuch, that a man
\~~~~ \  1 5 1   fin conversation found no difficulty in imagining he
~~\!i~~~~~ *{/,_                  was being addressed by an animated winter-greerr,,91l~~~~~ jj~~or a civil gentlemanly savoy. While such as became most famed for the largest and best potatoes
A- i-Long Kidneys or Yorkshire Reds-had invaria\i (7 j   EING in my own person a bly, (I speak advisedly,) heads like a bag of those
/J~ —~  I  great patron of all institu- roots; or, in other words, as rugged and lumpy as
Ad/    Hi    tions calculated to promote  a village pebble-paved causeway.
learning and science of any    Upon the whole, I have ever found all classes of
kind, I some years ago be- the great growers, strange mortals,-" Rum'uns to
/tj (.' ^  came a subscriber to the  look at,"- and in company much inclined to the
Great Hammaway Horticul- contemplation of red and black earths, bone, horse,
tural Society,- a  ociety, and pig maniures, grubs, larvae, and slugs. Yet
which, as appears by its have I also generally found their acquaintance well
title, has for its object the improvement of the  worth cultivating; and having been tolerably sucvarious breeds of apples, quinces, and pot-herbs.   cessful in that pursuit, can now boast of as extenIn this situation, it has been my good fortune to  sive a friendship with the great growers, as any
encounter, face to face, many of those ingenious horticulturist in the three kingdoms. It has even
fellows, who, through the medium of societies like crossed my mind that some day I would sit down
ours, render themselves notorious, and obtain a and write their biographies;-classing them under
great name in the world, by growing prodigious the respective heads of Turnip, Leek, Carrot,
Titan-like cabbages and gooseberries.           Gooseberry, and the like; just in the same manner
Now I consider it a certain sign of great personal as other great men are classed, as Painters, Poets,
merit to be able to produce such large vegetables Astronomers, etc. Whether this seed of the mind
and berries, according to the well-known saying, will ever shoot beyond the present paper, time
that every man is known by his fruit. The grower alone can tell. But that the reader may be the
of the finest specimens of any kind is therefore the better enabled to judge of the interest attached to
most superlative genius, and that is the reason we such a work, let me particularly draw his attention
always reward such by medals and copper tea-ket- to the following sketch of Titus,-one of the most
ties; it being expedient that the genius of science talented and enterprising members of the Hammaand arts should patronize her votaries by rewards. way Horticultural Society.
At the same time, entertaining a strong belief in    Now, Hiammaway, the place of my residence,
phrenology, I have always held a strong private  though according to law a market-town, is yet in
opinion that the growers of particular vegetables magnitude and trade scarcely superior to many a
and fruits were somd way or other endowed with an  village in the same county. That is, it may be proorgan corresponding with the peculiar kind of cul- perly resembled to a great booby, who is making
ture in which they excelled. This opinion has been  his transit from lad to manship. About two thouconfirmed by the observation and experience of sand of its souls weave stockings for the London
many years. Thus, I have found that those mem- market;-thus, just enabling themselves to mainbers of our society who, on the average, (and it is tain each a coat out at elbows,-a face like a peggyonly through general and comprehensive observa- lantern's, which serves no turn but that of frightentions such truths can be arrived at,) took the great- ing the respectable inhabitants,-a wife who is
est number of prizes for the biggest cabbages, pos- always mopping her fioor,-and a matter of about,
sessed, one with another, a large cabbage-organ in  on the average, fifteen children apiece.
the skull, which, by its great preponderance over   Hammaway is, as it were, fenced about by small




820                              THE DEMON GOOSEBERRY.
garden-plots, or rather whole fields divided into  coat contributes, although there is still something
squares like a chess-board, separated by stunted  of that impalpable green and yellowness in his phiz
hedges, and let to the poor souls above named, to  so characteristic of aged barks, and which I suppose
whom they become like little Edens,-snippings of he has unconsciously acquired by his continual
the garden of Paradise itself. Having but one day  intercommunication  and cheek-by-jowlship with
in a week which they can devote to cultivation, and  them. His head, from being as bald as the ivory
that the day which the curate demands, but de- top of a walking-stick, has the appearance of an
inands in vain,-you may see from ten to fifteen  immense yellow pumpkin; or, lest this simile should
hundred of them  on a summer's Sunday morning, be not sufficiently comprehended by the reader, is
all anxious to make the best of time, with their in other words about the size of a grocer's tea cancoats off,-perhapslaid on the hedges or suspended  ister. On the other hand, the dark oily counteby the nape on an upright stick like a scare-crow, nance of Mr. James Swinburn, another of our most
-delving, raking, hoeing, planting, uprooting, and  highly respected members, reminds one of nothing
watering, at a rate which might mislead a stranger so much as a spring evening's moist slug.
to believe they were working in the last stage of   But not a soul of them all, no, not one of the
desperation for their lives. This, however, their delving race within our society, is for an instant to
generous enthusiasm leads them  to esteem in no  be compared to the late great, and also personally
other light than as admirable exercise and relaxa- tall Titus. For the ardor of his genius in the purtion after the week's toil; and knowing their time  suit, the splendor of his various growths, the
is short, and that the day of rest (even though it amount of prizes awarded to him, and his disashappen to be the longest in the year) must soon be  trous and most extraordinary death,-he must be
over, they in general scarcely allow themselves time  considered as much superior to all others, as is the
to return to their homes for dinner. Such, how- poplar of the meadow in height above all other
ever, as do trespass on their amusement so far, trees. He was the life and soul of our society, or,
usually swallow their meals as nearly all of a lump  more correctly speaking, the very apple of its eye.
as the orifice of the throat will allow,-(and that, But alas! he is gone, and we are left blind on the
by the bye, with your hardworking man is not best side of the society's face.
small,)-and without waiting to digest them, hurry    At our general meetings, he was always distinback to their garden plots at a rate most nearly re- guishable above others, as conspicuously as was his
sembling a foot race between a couple of hundreds fruit above theirs. Nature having taken more than
or so of competitors at one and the same time. usual mother's care to manure and water him so
Whilst those who remain behind and pass the whole  well during his growth, that when arrived at his
blissful time amongst their broccolis and potatoes, standard height, he measured six feet four from the
may be observed, at about one o'clock, to snatch a ground to the topmost part of his trunk. Unforfew minutes of time, rest on their spades, pull a dry  tunately he threw out no branches, —in other words,
crust out of their pockets, stuff it into their mouths he left no family behind him,-or we might now
like a bung, take a swig at the watering-pan, and  have had a cutting of that excellent tree engrafted
then at it again.                               upon the society. I knew him during a period of
Such is about the manner in which the generality  fourteen or fifteen summers, and from lengthened
of our population dispose of their Sundays. Though  observation can confidently assert that a greater
we are not without some of those ale, pipe, and  enthusiast in any pursuit never crossed my widest
political poor men who carry their profanation of path. Weather had not the least visible effect upon
those days so far as to retire to their places called  him. He went to his garden amid thunder-storms,
summer-houses,-that is to say, small stud and mud  with the same punctuality as in sunshine,-during
erections, about the size of the now departed  floods and frosts equally as in dry weather and hot.
watchman's boxes, composed of three sides, a door, I have known him when his garden, like the borders
and a tile lid on the top,-and spend all the hours of the Nile, has been covered with water all over
between morning and night in drinking, shouting, nearly knee deep, take off his shoes and stockings,
and maintaining a continual tainted smell in the  hang them round his neck, roll up his trousers like
otherwise pure summer atmosphere, of rank and  two thick rings or ferrules round his lower extremipestiferous sham-tobacco smoke.                 ties, in the greatest unconcern, and with equal
But amongst this multitude of amateur tillers of pleasure as at other times. It was not for the purthe earth, whom to look at when engaged in their pose of doing any thing, but only to see the state
interesting operations, the spectator might imagine  of the case, and report the depth of water in the
not worth, to purchase, five shillings per hundred, gardens to the nightly visitors (members of course)
~afe to be found some of the brightest ornaments, at the sign of "The Frog and Tadpole," near Scum
the most shining stars of the Hammaway Horticul- Ditch, on an outskirt of Hamnmaway, close upon
tural Society,-men who reflect lustre on their na- the gardens. The society on such occasions entertive town, and are looked upon by strangers, when- tained great fears lest he should jeopardize his valever such happen to see them.                   uable existence by cold, resulting in consumption;
I have said that our raisers of Herculean fruit are  and indeed, on two occasions of remarkably heavy
for the most part a knot of strange-looking scrubs. floods, accompanied by piercing blasts, formally
One Mr. Jeffrey Todds, for instance, nearly the  passed a resolution forbidding him to wade about
oldest member of the society, is as remarkable a his plot until land again appeared. He seemed to
vessel to look at as soul ever set eyes on. You  bow to the society's wishes, but was afterwards dewould think him all stem and ramifications, like a tected privately splashing about as usual. A vote
huge leaf animated; and when engaged in his gar- of censure was passed on the commission of the
den, hunting snails out of his banks, the cunningest second offence, merely to maintain the outward digeyesight might be defied to distinguish him from  nity of the society; though even those individuals
the barks of the old willows about him; an effect who voted in its favor, did so under feelings of no
to which, beyond a doubt, his pepper-and-salt long  ordinary nature. Once, he happily discovered a




THE DEMON GOOSEBERRY.                                    821
thief getting up trees out of the softened and muddy  which I am speaking, Titus had been most low in
ground, and under the pretence of arresting him, spirits, in consequence of the unusual backwardness
gave him a sound thrashing first, and then lugged of his fruit; while afterwards he mounted up to the
him off to the constable. For this exploit a special highest pinnacle of hope, being frequently heard to
reward was agreed upon for Titus, and after a coni- declare his solemn conviction that, late as it was, he
fortable supper, the chairman concluded a flowery  should take every individual prize for the berries,
speech by presenting him in the name of the society  rough and smooth.
with a new three-legged iron pot.                 Many had the curiosity afterwards to lie in wait
The constancy of his attendance at his garden, when Titus went to his garden of an evening, in
daylight permitting, was astonishing. Exactly at anticipation of seeing him once more enjoying the
five minutes after six in the evening, he was regu- society of his strange companion, and, if possible,
larly to be seen crossing the short moor between  of tracing out where he came from and whither he
Hammaway and his garden; and at dusk, be that vanished to; but in very instance were they diswhatever hour it might, he was as regularly to be  appointed,-he never came again.
observed returning home with a sprig of green or a    Instead, perhaps, the little man transacted his
flower stuck in the corner of his mouth, and a sec- business at a distance; for true it was that on the
ond in some favored button-hole. So constant in- following morning a small and curious box was disdeed was he to his minute of going there, that covered on the table of the house, by his wife, who
many of those inhabitants of the lower end of the  rose before daylight to wash her own and her hustown, who dwelt too far off the church to hear the  band's linen. It was a box of no fashion at all, as
clock strike, were longo in the habit of setting their far as this earth is concerned, having four sides,
Dutch clocks and watches by him; as well perceiv- every one of which was triangular. After much
ing that while he had a spring left to keep him  fearful consideration, she was about to exhibit her
going, he was as truly to be depended on as the sun  temerity by opening it, when her hand was arrested
himself.                                        by the sound of something coming down her narSome few weeks previous to our last summer- row staircase. She looked in that direction, and
show of fruit, Titus went to his garden as usual. A  beheld the smallest black cat-at least it walked on
drizzly soaking evening it was; and throughout the  all fours-with the largest development of eyes she
whole range of garden plots, scarcely a soul was to  had ever seen during the course of her mortal pilbe seen, save himself. In the dusk and mistiness grimage. How was this? they kept no cat, either
of coming night, his long scrambling limbs, his white or black; and, of course, Titus's lady had no
height, and awkward postures, seemed to resemble  recollection whatever at such a critical moment,
him to some strange bogle dabbling and fishing for that stray cats are as desperately determined to put
frogs amidst a swamp; for such the low dewy gar- their heads in anywhere, as was her own gigantic
dens then appeared when viewed from the surround- lord to stride away to his garden. Instead of
ing eminences. To the astonishment of all Ham- washing, she flew off to bed again in terror, without
maway, he did not return to his home until full an  waiting to split open the box; though not without
hour later than his regular time; that is, until it inly promising to do so as soon as broad daylight
had become almost dark.                         came. She fell asleep; and on awakening again
At that time, he was met by a belated market- found that Titus was missing. He had risen by the
woman, coming at an unusual pace along the road  earliest peep of morning, and carried the box away
across the common, which, to her terrified gaze, his to his garden, where none but his gooseberry-bushes
gaunt legs seemed to swallow up as he strode. Be- and cabbage-stumps could be privy to the contents.
side him was a creature like a man, but so diminu- When he returned home to breakfast, he threw the
tive, that the coat-laps of Titus occasionally flapped  box empty on the floor, telling his wife she might
in his face. Yet that tall worthy could not outstrip  appropriate it, if any use for such a queer-shaped
him. Such a man had never before been seen in  article could be found; but she resolutely avowed
our parts, except in a penny show at the annual it should never be adopted in her house, not even
fair; and as the woman passed them she overheard  for a match-box, unless Titus would first declare
-unless her senses deceived her-she overheard  what it had contained.
Titus exclaim energetically to the little biped by    "Nothing to do you any harm," was his reply;
his side,-" Done! —I'll take it!"            and beyond which neither coaxing, threatening, nor
At that moment, the feet of the dwarf thing  reasoning could extort a word. This made the wife
struck fire on the pebble stones over which they  still more suspicious: she resolved, by the aid of
walked, and the market-woman smelt brimstone as Providence, to convince herself at least of the naplainly as the nose was on her face. This latter cir- ture of the place beyond this world, from whence
cumstance was however afterwards declared to be she believed the three-cornered thing had come;
no miracle; since it was confidently asserted, and therefore seizing an opportunity after that
though the housewives of Hammaway would never morning meal, when Titus had gone to work, she
hear of it, that she carried from market that night called in one or two of her neighbors as witnesses,
no less than three-pennyworths of the old-fashioned  informed them of all that had passed, upon which
matches in her basket.                         she hung her own interpretations and suspicions,
This encounter soon became known and enlarged  and then, whilst fearfully they all stood round, she
in all its suspicious circumstances and horrors. seized the box with her tongs, and cast it into the
Some wisely declared they had their thoughts as fire. The general expectation was, that it would
well as other folks. Some again spoke outright, either explode and vanish in smoke, or else shoot
and avowed their belief that Titus had done neither suddenly off in furiously hissing blue flames.
more nor less than consort with the devil, for the    Neither of these events, to the mortal disappointsake of forcing his gooseberries by and through  ment of the assembly, took place.  Instead, the
the aid of that old gentleman's underground hotbed, stubborn stuff would scarcely burn at all. After
-it being notorious that up to the point of time of considering awhile about this very unwoodlike
53




822                             THE DEMON GOOSEBERRY.
phenomenon, they discovered this strange fact to    That night, dreamily unconscious of the goosebe the most natural and probable; for if it really  berry desolation to which he should awaken on the
did come from --   (they here looked infernally  morrow, poor Titus lay quietly on his woollen mathorrible at one another,) nothing under the sun  trass, beholding happy visions of angelic horticulcould be clearer than that it must necessarily be turists, berries as big as beer-barrels, and cart-loads
fire-proof.                                     of prizes shooting down their golden loads before
In a fright of conviction, Mistress Titus took the  his own house door. He awoke by peep of dawn.
box off the coals, and flung it far beyond a neigh- His mind was full of gooseberries, and he could
boring ditch, lest, if cast amongst other refuse, it shut his eyes no more that morning. So, getting
should charm and bedevil the Christian heap of up in haste to contemplate those resplendent prothat commodity, which lay before her cottage door. ductions, he strode down to his garden some hours
From being himself an object of universal suspi- before breakfast time. The gate was open, the
cion, Titus now found that aghousand curious eyes trees broken, fruit stripped off and trampled under
were turned upon his gooseberries. All expected  foot along the pathways! Titus saw, and fell prone
to see wonders; whilst the extraordinary reports to the earth.
that were spread about respecting them, and which    Later in the day, his wife went down to see after
doubtless originated with some prying souls who  him, and discovered him as described above, exhad crept clandestinely into his garden, and taken  tended on his bed, with the watering-pot, that faitha stolen view, tended nothing towards diminishing  ful attendant, by his side. Having obtained assistthe general anxiety. It was confidently declared  ance, she had him conveyed home. Doctor Quassia,
that they were of a fiery red, as though the skins of Hammaway, was called in, who administered
enclosed a hot coal; that they were as hard as stimulants of all sorts to effect his recovery; and
hoofs, and the prickles on some of them like hedge- amongst the rest, —as knowing the proper restorahogs' quills.                                  tives for fainting country people-tickled his nose
At length, as the time of exhibition drew nigh, with a cockrel's feather, and his ears with a bunch
Titus triumphantly invited several connoisseurs of of nettles.  By these additional means he was
berries to inspect his trees. To their amazement brought back again to his senses.
they found the previously incredible repo-ts in all   Everybody in Hammaway, however anxious berespects true, save with reference to the size of the fore, were now more anxious than ever to pump out
fruit. Therein, indeed, had the current tales either the secret of raising such astounding berries. Titus
fallen short, or the berries themselves had since far was deeply questioned, but he remained as mute as
outgrown their description. They were really pon- his own bed-post-a circumstance which gave adderous; and adjudged in some instances to weigh  ditional force to the preconceived general opinion,
as much as thirty-three or four pennyweights. Our that he had sold himself to
inspectors almost doubted their own senses, and be-   No matter who —for what right, ye " purity of
gan to fancy it possible that some magical delusion  election" people, has a man to sell himself to anywas being practised upon their otherwise expe- body?
rienced optics. The matter appeared the more as-   They also considered in addition, that the -,
tonishing, when we reflect how dwindled and dimin- i. e., the same gentleman just alluded to, had
utive appeared the same berries in the early part of cheated him before his time; for who, asked they,
the season. What stimulating, miraculous manure  ever dealt with-(the reader may here insert the
must that box have contained in its bowels! Or, name of any gentleman he pleases,) without eventwas it manure? Was it not rather an elixir drawn  ually finding himself on the wrong side of the post?
from demon-distilled earths, of which a few drops   All this was very excellent, but the grand secret
invigorated more than many barrowsful of limes, remained still as unfathomable a secret as before.
bones, or salts? But if these thoughts entered their   Meantime, Titus took his gooseberries so much to
minds spontaneously at the first glance, what did heart that he weighed himself down beneath the
they not think when Titus informed them that he burden of them; and that sensitive organ, that
had changed the names of all his bushes? When  single wheel upon which life rolls along-I mean
he led them  round his borders, and pointed out his heart-gave evident symptoms that its oil was
"The Dark Fiery," " The Brimstone King," " The out, its axle broken, and that it would shortly cease
Devil's Black;" and even, when he came to christen  to move at all. Tokens like these alarmed everythe biggest of all, "The Great Infernal Rough?" body; and lest Titus should slip off unexpectedly,
then in truth did they stand aghast, each with his and carry his mystery along with him, to bury it in
eyes on Titus, as though doubting whether he be- that deeper mystery, the grave, he was besought,
held man or demon.                             exhorted, conjured, and prayed, to clear his dying
The day of trial was nigh. Titus had in all opin- body of the charge which, according to common
ions of course thrown the idea of competition com- repute, lay at his door; the more especially as at
pletely aside, for who could hope to approach even  the same time he might be making known one of
within distance of his Infernal Rough?  Nay, his the greatest discoveries in horticulture ever yet
inferior Dark Fiery and Brimstone King were plainly  discovered by the greatest discoverers. Titus rolled
more than a match for the best of all their Imperial round his eyes, but said nothing.
Greens and Reds.                                 The people of Hammaway were perplexed beIt was evident that as many copper kettles would  yond measure. Men, women, and children alike in
fall to his lot as might set.him up with stock for a their degree; though the gardeners especially were
small brazier's shop. Hence envy, that terrible  at their wit's end.
sprite, crept into the soul of the society, and at one    At length, when it became evident how surely
time seriously threatened its very existence. MA  Death had informed Titus that very shortly he
secret conspiracy against him was laid and hatched  should make a call upon him, Mr. Canticle, the
by two rival growers, which broke out on the iden- curate, was called in, as the man most likely of all
tical night preceding the eventful morn of exhibition. men within the Wapentake, to over-match the -




DOCTOR SYNTAX IN SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.                        823
"Well, what happened?"                      A No, upon my soul!" groaned Titus again in the
" You shall hear."                         hollow voice of an expiring winter's blast. "No,
The curate lodged himself upon the edge of the no!-it was only -"
bedstead on which the fallen Corinthian capital of   He died before the secret could be delivered.
our society lay, and after several minutes spent in   All the philosophers of Hammaway laid their
silent rumination-in chewing as it were the cud heads together immediately afterwards, in order to
of his mind-he thus spoke:                   debate, consult, and divine, what words they could
"My friend," said he, " it is now high time to be which poor Titus left unrevealed. But as no
inform thee that thy feet are hastening to tread the tolerable evidence could be obtained touching the
ground of another world. It may be, the ground character, residence, or occupation, of the diminuof a far more blissful garden than this, upon which tive biped, who, it was presumed, had furnished the
thy fleshly heart has been fixed; or, it may be the deceased with the queer-shaped box, they finally
ground of that dreadful place which is said to be arrived at the sagacious decision, that "it was
bottomless."                                 totally impossible to decide at all."
Titus groaned from the bottom of his spirit.  Such a conclusion was worth nothing. The reader
"Speak!" cried the curate, "for this very mo- is at perfect liberty to speculate upon the subject
ment may be thy last. Hadst thou any pact with for himself.
the devil?"
EXTRACTS FROM  "DOCTOR  SYNTAX IN  SEARCH  OF THE PICTURESQUE."
BY WILLIAM COMBE.
THE school was done, the bus'ness o'er,      When, as the vivid meteors fly,
When tir'd of Greek and Latin lore,          And instant light the gloomy sky,
Good SYNTAX sought his easy chair,           A sudden thought across him came,
And sat in calm composure there.             And told the way to wealth and fame;
His wife was to a neighbor gone,             And, as th' expanding vision grew
To hear the chit-chat of the town;           Wider and wider to his view,
And left him the unfrequent power            The painted fancy did beguile
Of brooding through a quiet hour.            His woe-worn phiz into a smile:
Thus, while he sat, a busy train              But, while he pac'd the room around,
Of images besieged his brain.                Or stood immers'd in thought profound,
Of church-preferment he had none;            The Doctor,'midst his rumination,
Nay, all his hope of that was gone:          Was waken'd by a visitation
He felt that he content must be              Which troubles many a poor man's lifeWith drudging in a curacy.                    The visitation of his wife.
Indeed, on ev'ry Sabbath-day,                Good Mrs. Syntax was a lady,
Through eight long miles he took his way,    Ten years, perhaps, beyond her hey-day;
To preach, to grumble, and to pray;          But though the blooming charms had flown
To cheer the good, to warn the sinner,       That grac'd her youth, it still was known.
And, if he got it,-eat a dinner:             The love of power she never lost,
To bury these, to christen those,            As Syntax found it to his cost;
And marry such fond folks as chose           For as her words were used to flow,
To change the tenor of their life,           He but replied or YES or NO.
And risk the matrimonial strife.             Whene'er enrag'd by some disaster,
Thus were his weekly journeys made,          She'd shake the boys and cuff the master;'Neath summer suns and wintry shade;         Nay, to avenge the slightest wrong,
And all his gains, it did appear,            She could employ both arms and tongue;
Were only thirty pounds a-year.              And, if we list to country tales,
Besides, th' augmenting taxes press,          She sometimes would enforce her nails.
To aid expense and add distress;             Her face was red, her form was fat,
Mutton and beef, and bread and beer,         A round-about, and rather squat;
And ev'ry thing was grown so dear;           And when in angry humor stalking,
The boys, too, always prone to eat,          Was like a dumpling set a-walking.
Delighted less in books than meat;'Twas not the custom of this spouse
So that, when holy Christmas came,           To suffer long a quiet house:
His earnings ceas'd to be the same,          She was among those busy wives,
And now, alas! could do no more,             Who hurry-scurry through their lives;
Than keep the wolf without the door.         And make amends for fading beauty,
E'en birch, the pedant master's boast,       By telling husbands of their duty,.
Was so increas'd in worth and cost,
That oft, prudentially beguil'd,
To save the rod, he spar'd the child.'Twas at this nmment, when, inspir'd,
Thus, if the times refus'd to mend,          And by his new ambition fir'd,
He to his school must put an end.            The pious man his hands uprear'd,
How hard his lot! how blind his fate!        That Mrs, Syntax re-appear'd:
What shall he do to mend his state?          Amaz'd she look'd, and loud she shriek'd,
Thus did poor Syntax ruminate;               Or, rather like a pig she squeak'd,




824               DOCTOR SYNTAX IN'SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.
To see her humble husband dare                 Next week the boys will all go home,
Thus quit his sober ev'ning chair,             And I shall have a month to come.
And pace, with nvrying steps, about,           My clothes, my cash, my all prepare;
Now in the room, and now without.              While Ralph looks to the grizzle mare.
At first, she did not find her tongue,         Tho' wond'ring folks may laugh and scoff,
(A thing which seldom happen'd long,)          By this day fortnight I'll be off;
But soon that organ grew unquiet,              And when old Time a month has run,
To ask the cause of all this riot.             Our bus'ness, Lovey, will be done.
The Doctor smil'd, and thus address'd          I will in search of fortune roam,
The secrets of his lab'ring breast —           While you enjoy yourself at home."
The story told, the Doctor eas'd
Of his grand plan, and Madam pleas'd,
No pains were spar'd by night or day
To set him forward on his way:
She trimm'd his coat-she mended all
His various clothing, great and small;
And better still, a purse was found
\\\fi~ll4                 With twenty notes, of each a pound.
Thus furnish'd, and in full condition'___~~~  ~To prosper in his expedition;
At lengtrh the ling'ring moment came,
That gave the dawn of wealth and fame.
Incurious Ralph, exact at four,
Led Grizzle, saddled, to the door;
And soon, with more than common state,
The Doctor stood before the gate.
Behind him was his faithful wife;1"One more embrace my dearest life!"
Then his gray palfrey he bestrode,
And gave a nod, and off he rode.
"Good luck! good luck!" she loudly cried;
" Vale! 0 Valele!" he replied.
"Sit down, my love, my dearest dear,             A heap of stones the Doctor found,
Nay, prithee do, and patient hear;             Which loosely lay upon the ground,
Let me, for once, throughout my life,          To form a seat, where he might trace
-Receive this kindness from my wife;            The antique beauty of the place;
It will oblige me so:-in troth,                But, while his eye observ'd the line
It will, my dear, oblige us both;              That was to limit the design,
For such a plan has come athwart me,           The stones gave way, and-sad to tell!Which some kind sprite from Heav'n has         Down from the bank he headlong fell.
brought me,                              The slush, collected for an age,
That if you will your counsels join,           Receiv'd the venerable Sage;'To aid this golden scheme of mine,            For, at the time, the ebbing flood
New days will come-new times appear,           Was just retreating from the mud:
And teeming plenty crown the year:             But, after floundering about,
We then on dainty bits shall dine,             Syntax contriv'd to waddle out,
And change our home-brew'd ale for wine;       Half-stunn'd, amaz'd, and cover'd o'er
On summer days to take the air,                As seldom wight had been before.
We'll put our Grizzle to a chair;              O'erwhelm'd with filth, and stink, and grief,
While you, in silks and muslins fine,          He saw no house to give relief;
The grocer's wife shall far outshine,          And thus, amid the village din,
And neighb'ring folks be forc'd to own,        He ran the gauntlet to the inn.
Ih this fair town you give the ton."           An angler threw his hook so pat,
" Oh! tell me," cried the smiling dame,       He caught at once the Doctor's hat;
"Tell me this golden road to fame:             A bathing boy who naked stood,
You charm my.heart, you quite delight it."-    Dash'd boldly in the eddying flood,
"i'll make a TouR-and then I'll WRITE IT.      And, swimming onward like a grig,
You well know what my pen can do,              Soon overtook the Doctor's wig.
And I'll employ my pencil too:-                Grizzle had trac'd the barren spot,
I'll ride and write, and sketch, and print,    Where not a blade of grass was got;
And thus create a real mint;                   And, finding nought to tempt her stay,
I'll prose it here, I'll verse it there,       She to the Dragon took her way.
And picturesque it ev'ry where:                The ostler cried, " Here's some disaster,I'll do what all have done before;             The mare's return'd without her master!"
I think I shall-and somewhat more;             But soon he came, amid the noise
At Doctor Pompous give a look;                 Of men and women, girls and boys:
He made his fortune by a book,                 Glad in the inn to find retreat
And if my volume does not beat it,             From the rude insults of the street.
When I return I'll fry and eat it.             *      *      *       *      *      *




DOCTOR SYNTAX IN SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.                         825
Crown'd with success the following day
The Doctor homeward took his way;'\                ~         And on the morrow he again
Was borne by Grizzle o'er the plain;
But Grizzle, having liv'd in clover,
Symptoms of spirit did discover,
That more than once had nearly thrown
Her deep-reflecting master down;
Nor, till they'd travell'd half the day,
Did he perceive he'd lost his way:
Nor, to that moment, did he find
That Grizzle, by some chance unkind,
Had left her ears and tail behind.
"Ne'er mind, good beast," he kindly said;
"What though no ears bedeck your head:
What though the honors of-your rump -
Are dwindled to a naked stump,
Now, rais'd in purse as well- as spirit,
Your master will reward your merit;"
Another day they journey'd on;
The next, and lo! the work was done.
Some days before, (I had forgot
To say,) a letter had been wrote,
I~ s ltl1To tell how soon he should appear,
And're-embrace his dearest dear;
But'not:one solitary word
Of his good fortune he preferr'd.
-.c  F l y             "Yes, home is home, where'er it be,
Or, shaded by the village-tree,
Or where the lofty domes arise,
To that warm inn they quickly hied,           To catch the passing stranger's eyes."
Where Syntax, by the fire-side,'Twas thus he thought, when, at the gate,
Sat in the landlord's garments clad,          He saw his Doll impatient wait;
But neither sorrowful nor sad,                Nor, as he pass'd the street along,
Nor did he waste his hours away,              Was he unnotic'd by the throng;
But gave his pencil all its play,             For not a head within a shop
And trac'd the landscapes of the day.         But did through door or window pop.
He kiss'd his dame, and gravely spoke,
As now he brooded o'er a joke;
While she to know, impatient burn'd,
With how much money he return'd.
" Give me my pipe," he said, " and ale,
And in due time you'll hear the tale."
He sat him down his pipe to smoke,
Look'd sad, and not a word he spoke;
But madam soon her speech began,
And in discordant tones it ran:
"I think, by that confounded look,
You have not writ your boasted book;
Yes, all your money you have spent,
And come back poorer than you went;
Yes, you have wander'd far from home,
And here a -beggar you are come;
But bills from aisides are in waiting,
To give your Reierence a baiting:
I do not mean:t6scold and rail;
But I'll not live with you in jail.
So long a time you've staid away,
That the Town-Curate you must pay;
For, while from home you play'd the fool,
He kindly came to teach the school;
And a few welcome pounds to earn,
-i-     N~~~~~~ By flogging boys to make them learn:
But I must say, you silly elf!
You merit to be flogg'd yourself;
And I've a mind this whip shall crack
Upon your raw-bon'd lazy back.




826                DOCTOR SYNTAX IN  SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.
To keep your mantua-maker quiet;
So cease, I beg, this idle riot:
tt-lli {2 And, if you'll not make such a pother,
I'll treat you with its very brother:
Be kind-and I'll not think it much;lu,:,'~t                       To show you half-a-dozen such."
She started up in joy's alarms,
And clasp'd the Doctor in her arms;
Then ran to bid the boys huzza,
And give them all a holiday.
"Such is the matrimonial life,"
Said Syntax;-" but I love my wife
Just now with horsewhip I was bother'd,
And now with hugging I am smother'd;
But wheresoe'er I'm doom'd to roam,
I still shall say-that home is home!
Again her dear the Dame caress'd,
And clasp'd him fondly to her breast:
At length, amidst her am'rous play,
The Doctor found a time to say"The fatted calf I trust you've slain,
To welcome Syntax home again."
And throwig                  "No," she replied, "no fatted calf;
He__:said,_ —We have a better thing by half;
For with expectation big
Yes, puff away-but'tis no joke                 Of your return, we kill'd a pig;
For all my schemes to end in smoke.              And a rich haslet at the fire,
What, tongue-tied booby! will you say           Will give you all you can desire;
To Mrs. Dress'em?-Who will pay                  The sav'ry meat myself will baste,
Her bill for these nice clothes? —Why, zounds!  And suit it to my deary's taste."
It borders upon twenty pounds."                  "That dish," he cried, "I'd rather see,
Than fricandeau or fricassee.
Thus, as she vehemently prated,               Oh," he continued, "what a blessing:
And the delighted Doctor rated,                 To have a wife so fond of dressing;
From a small pocket in his coat                 Who with such taste and skill can work,
He unobserv'd drew forth a note,                To dress herself, and dress the pork."
And throwing it upon the table,                  She now.return'd to household care,
He said, "My dear, you'll now be able           The dainty supper to prepare.'I)  i!!
"Yes, puff away-but'tis no joke,
"For all my schemes to end in smoke."




VILLAGE CHORISTERS.                                   827
VILLAGE CHORISTERS.'11ii~~~~[l..... 
fir'
A PIG in a string is a troublesome article to man-    l                              Ill
age; two pigs in a string are more troublesome still,
-to a degree, perhaps, in proportion to the squares
of their distances-a ram in a halter is also prover- 
bial for obstinacy, —mules are celebrated for their
pertinacity, and donkeys for their stupidity; but
all the pigs, rams, mules, and asses in the world, V 1
put together, would be more easily managed than  /,        *
a company of singers in a village church. About
four miles from Loppington there is a village called                                       i
Snatcham. The living is but small, and the rector  \'
resides and performs his duty without the aid of a                   o
curate.  You cannot imagine a milder and more
gentle creature than this excellent clergyman. He
is quite a picture, either for pen or pencil. He is
not more than five feet four inches in height, some- 
what stout, but not very robust; he is nearly seventy years of age-perhaps quite, by this time; his                                           I
hair, what little is left of it, is as white as silver;
his face is free from all wrinkles either of care or
age; his voice is slender, but musical with meekness. The practical principle of his demeanor has
always been-any thing for a quiet life. He would
not speak a harsh word, or think an unkind thought
to or of any human being; but he is now and then
tempted to think that when the Apostle Paul recommended the Christians to live peaceably with   i|
all men, he put in the saving clause " if possible,"  i
with particular reference to village choristers.
Snatcham choir is said to be the best in the county; years past. It comsuch at least is the opinion of the choristers them- menced about thirtyselves; and he must be a bold man who should say  five years ago, with
to the contrary. They are no doubt very sincere a pitch-pipe, which _
when they say that they never heard any better was presently superthan themselves; for, to judge from their singing, seded by a flute. It
you would not imagine that they had ever heard  was soon found, however, that the dulcet notes of
any one else. Snatcham church does not boast an  a single flute were quite lost amid the chaos of
organ, and it is well it does not, for if it did, the  sounds produced by the vocal efforts of the choir;
whole choir would insist upon playing on it all at so a' second flute was added by way of reinforceonce; but instead of an organ, it has a band of ment; but all the flutes in the world would be no
music, which has been gradually increasing for some match for the double bass voice of Martin Grubb,




828                                VILLAGE CHORISTERS.
the Snatcham butcher, under whose burly weight from Snatcham church, to the great grief of the
and hurly-burly notes the whole music-gallery trem- worthy rector, whose own voice is almost put out
bled and shook. To give pungency to the instru- of tune by hearing Sternhold and Hopkins sung to
mental department, therefore, a hautboy was add- the tunes of " Lovely nymph, assuage my anguish,'
ed; but the vocalists felt it a point of honor to  and such like Vauxhall and Sadler's Wells music.
outscream the instruments, and the miscellaneous The members of the choir, too, like other political
voice of James Gripe, the miller's son, who sang  bodies, have not much peace within, unless they
tenor, treble, or counter-tenor, just as it happened, have war without. If' any attack be made upon
was put into requisition for extra duty to match the  their privileges, they stick together like a swarm of
hautboy. James Gripe could sing very loud; but bees; but at other times, they are almost always at
the louder he sang, the more you heard that kind  loggerheads one with another.  Old Martin Grubb
of noise that is produced by singing through a wields a precarious sceptre, for James Gripe is
comb. It used to be said of him that he sang as mightily tenacious of his rights, and resists, tooth
if he had studied music in a mill during a high  and nail, the introduction or too frequent use of
wind. To the two flutes and the hautboy were  those tunes which superabound with bass solos.
added two clarionets, because two of Gripe's young- Grubb and Gripe, by way of an attempt at comer brothers were growing up, and had a fancy for promising the matter, have latterly been in the
music. Young Grubb, the son of the butcher, be- habit of taking it by turns to choose the tunes;
gan soon to exhibit musical talents, and accompa- and their alternate choice puts one very much in
nied his father at home on the violoncello, which  mind of the fable of the fox and the stork, who ininstrument, with the leave of the rector, was added  vited one another to dinner, the fox preparing a
to the church band in a very short time,-a time  flat dish, of which the stork could not avail himself,
too short, I believe, for the perfection of the per- and the stork in return serving up dinner in a longformance.                                       necked bottle, too narrow to admit the fox's head.
The rector, dear good man, never refused his When James Gripe chooses the tune, he flourishes
leave to any thing, especially to what the singers away in tenor and treble solos, leaving the butcher
asked; they might have had leave to introduce a as mute as a fish; but when the choice devolves
wagon and eight horses, if they had asked-but on Martin Grubb, he pays off old scores by a selecstill the rector did not like it; and every time he tion of those compositions which most abound in
was called upon to christen a child for one of his bass solos. And in such cases it not unfrequently
parishioners, he trembled lest the young one should  happens that Martin, in the delighted consciousness
have a turn for music, and introduce into the galle- of a triumph over his tenor, treble, and counterry some new musical abomination. It was next tenor rival, growls and roars with such thundering
discovered that only one bass to so many treble in- exultation, that the gallery quivers beneath him,
struments was not fair play, so to the violoncello  while his son saws away at his violoncello -as though
was added a bassoon, and to the bassoon a serpent. he would cut it in half, from very ecstasy. CorneWhat next?-nothing more at present; but if the  lius Pike and Gregory Plush also spend as much
movement party retain its ascendency, triangles breath as they can spare, and perhaps a little more
and kettle-drums may be expected. The present than they can spare conveniently, in filling the vast
state of Snatcham choir is as follows. In the first cavities of their respective serpent and bassoon.
place, there is Martin Grubb, the butcher, a stout  - All this disturbs and distresses the feelings of the
robust man of about fifty years of age, having a worthy pastor, who thinks it possible, and feels it
round head and a red face, with strong, straight, desirable, that public devotion should be conducted
thick brownish-gray hair, combed over his forehead, with a little less noise. It appears, indeed, and no
and reaching to:his very eyebrows. He is the old- doubt the choristers, one and all, think so, that
est, the wealthiest, and the most influential man in  Snatcham  church and Sternhold and Hopkins's
the choir. He sings bass, and is said to be the life psalms were all- made to show forth the marvellous
and soul of the party, though there are no great talents of the Snatcham  choristers. They think
symptoms of life and soul in his face, which is about that all the people who attend there come merely
as full of expression as a bullock's liver. Then  for the music, and that the prayers and the sermon
there is young Martin Grubb, who is a bit of a dan- have no other use or object than just to afford the
dy, with black curling hair, and' whiskers of the  singers and other musicians time to take breath,
same pattern, pale face, thin lips, long chin, and  and to give them  an opportunity of looking over
short nose;  his instrument is the violoncello. and arranging their books for the next outbreak of
James Gripe is leader of the treble voices, with oc- musical noise. So little attention do the Snatcham
casional digressions, as above noticed. And, in  choristers pay to any other part of the service than
addition to the two younger Gripes, Absalom and  that in which themselves are concerned, that during
Peter, who'play the two clarionets, there are Onesi- the whole course of the prayers, and in all the serphorus Bang, the shoemaker, who plays the first mon time, they are whispering to one another, and
flute; Issachar Crack, a rival shoemaker, who plays conning over their music books, sometimes almost
the second flute; Cornelius Pike, the tobacco-pipe  audibly buzzing out some musical passage, which
maker, who plays the bassoon; Alexander Rodol- seems to require elucidation peradventure to some
pho Crabbe, the baker, who plays the hautboy; novice; and Master Grubb the younger is so deGregory Plush, the tailor, who plays the serpent, lighted with his violoncello, that he keeps hugging
together with divers others, men, boys, and girls, the musical monster with as much fondness and
who make up the whole band.                     grace as a bear hugs its cubs, and every now and
This renowned choir has for a long time consid- then, in pleasing anticipation of some coming beauered itself the ne plus ultra of the musical profes- ties, or in rapturous recollection of some by-gone
sion, and consequently equal to the performance of graces, he tickles the sonorous strings with his
any music that was ever composed.  The old- clumsy fingers, bringing forth whispers of musical
fashioned psalm tunes are therefore all banished  cadences loud enough to wake the drowsy, and to




VILLAGE CHORISTERS.                                   829
disturb the attentive part of the congregation. And  nay, the very instruments themselves have appeared
then the good rector casts up to the music-gallery  exhausted, and an active imagination might easily
a look, not of reproof, but of expostulation, and  believe that the old big burly bassoon, standing in
thereupon Master Grubb slips his hands down by  a lounging attitude in one corner of the gallery,
his sides, and turns his eyes up to the ceiling, as if  was panting for want of breath. Such explosions
wondering where the sound could possibly come as these, however, do not frequently occur, and it
from.                                          is well they do not; when they do, a reconciliation
The supplicatory looks of the music-baited cler- generally takes place soon after, and an apology is
gyman are on these occasions quite touching, and made to the go6d pastor, more, perhaps, from commost mutely eloquent: they seem to say, "Pray  passion to his infirmities, than out of respect to his
spare me a little;-suffer me to address my flock. office or his years; and his mild reply is generally
I do not interrupt your music with my preaching, to the following effect:-" Ah, well, my good
why should you interrupt my preaching with your friends, I think another time you will find it more
music?  My sermons are not very long, why will easy to sing all one tune: I marvel much that ye
not you hear them out? I encroach not on your don't put one another out by this diversity of singprovince, why will you encroach upon mine? Let ing."
me, I pray you, finish my days on earth as pastor   There is also another mode in which the parties
of this flock, and do not altogether fiddle me out of manifest their discrepancy of opinion, or discordanthe church."  But the hearts of the "village mu- cy of feeling, and that is by the silence of half the
sicianers" are as hard as the nether millstone; they  choir. Now one would think that such an event
have no more bowels than a bassoon, no more  would be a joy and a relief to the good man, who
brains than a kettle-drum.                     loves quiet; and so it is physically, but not moralAnother grievance is, that these Snatcham cho- ly: for though his ears are relieved from one half
risters have a most intense and villainous provin- of the ordinary musical infliction, yet he is mentally
cialism of utterance: it is bad enough in speaking, conscious that evil thoughts are cherished in the
but in singing they make it ten times worse; for breasts of the silent ones, that they who sing are
they dilate, expand, and exaggerate their cacopho- not praising God in their songs, and that they who
ny, till it becomes almost ludicrous to those who  sing not, are not praising him by their silence.
are not accustomed to it. The more excited they    But the climax' of the ~abominations of the
are, whether it be by joy or anger, the more loudly  Snatcham choristers I have yet to record, and I
they sing, the more broadly they blare out their hope that by their follies other choirs, if there:be
provincial intonations; and it is very seldom indeed  any so -absurd, will take waDning. It has' been althat they ascend their gallery without some stimu — ready said, that this celebrated Snatcham:choir:
lus or other of this nature. If they all be united  made it a great point to obtain leave from their.
together in the bonds. of amity and good-will; if rector for all the'abominations and absurdities,
Martin Grubb have suspended his jealousy of Gripe, which they were accustomed to inflict upon the;
and if Gripe no longer look with envy and hatred  parish, under the guise of music; but the arrogant
upon Grubb; if some new tune be in preparation  importunity of their solicitation was such, that they
wherewith to astonish and enrapture the parishion- seemed to bid defiance to refusal, so that their askers; if there be in the arrangement tenors and  ing leave was after the fashion of the beggar intrebles enough to satisfy the ambition of Gripe, and  Gil Blas, who held his musket in the direction of
bass enough to develop the marvellous powers of the -donor's head. At a large town in the county
Grubb;-there is a glorious outpouring of sound  in which Snatcham is situated, there had been a
and vociferation, which none but the  well-disci- musical festival, the directors of which, in order to
plined ears of the Snatcham parishioners can'possi- give geclat to their advertisements, had used all
bly bear. The walls of Snatcham church must be manner of means to swell the number of performmuch stronger than those of Jericho, or they would  ers. For this purpose they had sought every hedge
have been roared to rubbish long ere this. But if and ditch, and highway and byway in the county,
the agreement of the choir be the -parent of noise, to pick up every individual who had the slightest
their disagreement is- productive of much more. pretension whatever to musical talent. In such a
More than once the Gripe and the Grabb factions search, of course the Snatcham choir could not by
have carried their animosity so far as to start two  any possibility be overlooked. They were accorddifferent tunes at the same time. And what can be ingly retained for the choruses, in consequence of
done in such a case?.Who is in the wrong.? If  which they underwent much musical drilling; nor
the Grubb faction were to yield, they would betray  were they a little pleased at the honor thus thrust
a consciousness that they had not acted rightly in  upon them. They of course distinguished themtheir selection of a tune; and if the Gripe faction  selves, though I must say that the wisest thing
were to withdraw from the contest, or to chime in chorus singers can do is not to distinguish themwith the Grubbs, they would seem to show the  selves; but the Snatcham choir, it is said, actually
white feather: so they battle it out with all their. did distinguish themselves, especially in the Hallemight and main, and each party must sing and play  lujah Chorus, and so fascinated were they with that
as loud as possible, in order to drown the noise of chorus, and their own distinguished manner of singthe other. After church time, the Grubbs throw  ing it, that they resolved unanimously to perform
all the blame upon the Gripes, and the Gripes retort it at Snatcham church. This was bad enough; but
the charge upon the Grubbs, and a:man had need  this was not the worst, for nothing would serve
have the wisdom of a dozen Solomons to judge be- them but they would have it, of all days in the year,
tween them. So excited with passion, and puffing, on Good Friday!
and singing, and playing, have the parties some-   On the evening of the day before, the whole body
times been after a flare-up of this kind, that they  of the choristers, vocal and instrumental, went up
have looked as tired as two teams of horses just un- to the rectory, and demanded an audience of their
harnessed from  two opposition stage-coaches; —-  worthy pastor. The good man trembled at their;




830                                VILLAGE CHORISTERS.
approach, and his heart sank within him at the an- jah Chorus is the most peculiar appropriate; it's
nouncement that they had something very particu- one of the most sollumest things I ever heard,-it's
lar to say to him. He thought of harp, flute, psal- quite awful and grand-enough to make the hair of
tery, dulcimer, sackbut, and all kinds of music, and  one's head stand upright with sublimity."
his ears tingled with apprehension of some new    "'Tis indeed, sir," added James Gripe, "you may
enormity about to be added to the choir, in shape  take my word for it, sir."
of some heathenish instrument. It was a ludicrous    " Perhaps," returned Martin Grubb, " your reversight, and enough to make the pastor laugh, had he  ence never heard it; now, if so be as you never
been at all disposed to merriment, io see the whole  heard it, mayhap you don't know nothing about it,
choir seated in his parlor, and occupying, after a in which case we can, if you please, with your perfashion, every chair in the room; for if they were  mission, sing you a little bit of it, just to give you
never harmonious in any thing else, they were per- an idea of the thing."
fectly harmonious as to their mode of sitting: they    The poor persecuted pastor looked round upon
were all precisely in the same attitude, and that at- his tormentors in blank amazement, and saw them
titude was-sitting on the very outward edge of the  with their ruthless mouths wide open, and ready to
chair, with their hats carefully held between their inflict upon him the utmost penalty of their awful
knees, their mouths wide open, and their eyes fixed  voices. In tremulous tones the worthy man exupon vacancy. At the entrance of the clergyman  claimed-" No, no, no; pray don't-pray don'tthey all rose, bowed with simultaneous politeness, don't trouble yourselves-I beg you will not. I
and looked towards Martin Grubb as their mouth- know the piece of music to which you refer, and I
piece. Martin Grubb, with his broad heavy hand, think if you could perform it on any other day than
smoothed his locks over his forehead, and said-  Good Friday   "
"Hem!"                                           Singers are a peculiarly irritable class of persons,
" Well, Mr. Grubb," replied the rector, " you and  and the slightest opposition or contradiction irriyour friends, I understand, have something particu- tates and disturbs them, so that at the very moment
lar to say to me."                               that the rector uttered a sentence at all interfering
"Why yes, sir," said Mr. Grubb, "we are called  with their will, they all surrounded him with clamorupon you by way of deputation like, just to say a ous and sulky importunity, and set to work with all
word about singing; and for the matter of that, we  diligence to demolish his objections.
have been practising a prettyish bit of music out of   "Please, sir," said Martin Grubb, shaking his big
Handel, what they sung at the musical festival, head with a look of dogged wilfulness, "I don't see
called the Hallelujah Chorus; and as our choir how it's to be done. The Hallelujah Chorus requires
sung it so well at the festival as to draw all eyes a lot of extra voices what isn't to be got every day;
upon us, we have been thinking, sir, with your and if we tells them  chaps as is coming over toleave, if you please, and if you have no objection, morrow to help us, that we don't want their help,
that we should just like to sing it at church."  they may take tiff, and never come over to Snatch" At church?"                                am again."
"Yes, sir, if you please, at church, to-morrow.    " But perhaps," the pastor meekly replied, " they
The Hallelujah Chorus you know, sir, being part of may assist you in the grave and sober singing of
the Messiah, we thought it would be particular ap- some serious and well-known psalms, in which all
propriate; and we are all perfect in our parts, and  the congregation may unite."
there's two or three chaps out of the next parish    On hearing this, the broad-faced butcher expandthat are coming over to Snatcham  to see their ed his features into a contemptuous sort of a grin,
friends, and they'll help us you know, sir, and every  and said-" Come, now, that is a good one, as if
thing is quite ready, and rehearsed, and all that; reg'lar scientific singers would come all the way to
and we hope, sir, you won't have no objection, be- Snatcham just to sing old psalm tunes!"
cause we can never do it so proper as with them    Mr. Gripe also said-" He! he! he!"
additional voices what's coming to-morrow, and    "He! he! he!" is a very conclusive kind of arguthere will be such lots of people come to church on  ment; and so the rector of Snatcham felt it to be,
purpose to hear us, that they will all be so disap- for he could not answer it, nor refute it, nor evade
pointed if we don't sing it."                   it. He looked this way and that way, up to the
ceiling and down to the floor, towards Mr. Gripe
Here James Gripe, somewhat jealous of his rival's and towards Mr. Grubb; but neither ceiling nor
eloquence, and taking advantage of Martin's paus- floor, nor Gripe nor Grubb, afforded him any relief
ing for a moment to recover breath, stepped for- from  his painful embarrassment.  The exulting
ward, saying —" No, sir, we hope you won't refuse  singers saw that he was posed, and that now was
us your leave, because all the people so calculate  the time to push home their victory, and overwhelm
upon hearing it, that they will go away in dudgeon  the rector by their united importunities. So they
if so be they are disappointed, and mayhap they  all crowded round him at once, and almost all at
will never come to church again, but go among the  once began to assail him with such a torrent of reamethodishes, or some of them  outlandish sexes; sons and argumentation, that he had not a word to
and it would be a pity to overthrow the established  say for himself.
church just for the matter of a stave or two of    "Please, sir,"'said Onesiphorus Bang, "I ha'n't
music."                                          got nothing else ready to play."
The rector sighed deeply, but not audibly, and    "Nor I neither," said Issachar Crack.
replied, saying, in a tone of mild expostulation-    "Please, sir," said Alexander Rodolpho Crabbe,
"But to-morrow, my friends, is Good Friday, a day  " we never like to do nothing without your leave,
of extraordinary solemnity, and scarcely admitting  and we hope you won't compel us to do so now.
even the most solemn music in its service."     My wife says she'll never come to church again,
"Exactly so," interrupted Martin Grubb, "that's if the Hallelujah Chorus is not performed to-morthe very thing I say, sir, and therefore the Hallelu- row."




ERRORS OF THE PRESS.                                    831
"And I declare," said Gregory Plush, " that for and growling, and screaming, as never was heard;
my part, I never wish to touch the serpent again, if the powers of every voice, and of every instrument,
we mayn't do that piece of music."              were exerted to the utmost of their capability;Absalom and Peter Gripe also said the same as there was such an infinite variety of articulation of
touching the clarionets; and James Gripe then  hallelowya, holleluyear, allyluyer, and ahmen, and
looked at the rector with a quaintly interrogative  awmen, and ameen, that none but the initiated
aspect, which, without uttering a word, seemed to  could form a guess what the singers were about.
say-" There, sir, what will you do without Absa- The patient and afflicted rector sat still in the pullom and Peter's clarionets?"  Now, for his own  pit, waiting till the storm should be over: he knew
part, the worthy pastor would have been glad to  that it could not last for ever, and that they must
get rid of the whole clamor of their music, for these  soon sing themselves hoarse or out of breath.
choristers were always at loggerheads either with  There is an Irish proverb which says, " Single misone another, or with all the rest of the parish.  fortunes never come alone:" this was verified in the
The rector, thus overwhelmed with argument present case; for a misunderstanding occurred,
and eloquence, with pathos and importunity, found  which produced a double infliction of the music.
himself compelled to yield, which he did with the  Messrs. Grubb, Gripe, Crabbe, Bang, Crack, and
worst grace imaginable. Away went the choristers, their friends, when performing at the cathedral,
rejoicing in the triumph of music, and full of glee  had observed that one or two parts of the performat the thought of the wonderful figure they should  ance had been encored by a signal from his grace
cut on the morrow, when, assisted by the "chaps the Duke of, who was present as patron, and
from the next village," they astonished the natives this signal consisted of the silent waving or lifting
with the Hallelujah Chorus.                      up of a white pocket-handkerchief. Now,,unfortuThat night neither the singers nor the rector nately, just as the band was bringing its mighty
slept: the former were kept awake by the anticipa- performance to a close, the squire of the parish
tion of musical glory, and the latter was made rest- most innocently drew his handkerchief out of his
less by the dread of musical absurdity.  Good Fri- pocket; but happening to draw it forth with a peday came:-the whole village looked more like a  culiar grace, or with what Mr. Grubb and his
scene of festivity than of fasting. The " chaps from  friends thought a peculiar grace, they were most
the next village," as Martin Grubb called them, graciously pleased to take it for granted that it
were as gay as so many larks: there ~was such a must be a signal for a repetition of the chorus; and
display of blue coats and yellow buttons as never therefore, just at the moment when the good rector
was seen before. The singing gallery was full to  was pleasing himself with the thought that the absuffocation, and the church itself was crowded. surd display was over, they all burst forth again
The squire of the parish was present, and his family  with renewed vigor. He thought that they were
also were present with him, and the singers were so  absolutely mad; he looked; he sighed; he shook
happy that they could hardly contain themselves. his head; but he was only answered by halleluyear,
They did not mind the prayers: they had heard  allyluyer; and when they had finished the second
them before, and did not think them  half so well time, he was half afraid that they would begin
worth hearing as the Hallelujah Chorus. There  again, and sing it the third time. When the serwas such a rustling of leaves, of music books, and  vice was over, the good man took the liberty to
such a buzz of whispering voices, that the worthy  hint to his musical parishioners that he thought
rector could hardly be heard. The choristers had  they had performed a work of supererogation in
arranged that the Hallelujah Chorus should be sung  performing the chorus twice. They themselves felt
immediately before the sermon, and they thought that they had somewhat encroached, but they laid
that the prayers would never be over: they were as the blame upon the squire, whose slightest wish,
impatient as a young horse in harness.          they thought, should be obeyed. The squire was
At length the prayers were finished, and the mer- very sorry when he found what mischief he had
ciless choristers let loose upon the congregation  inadvertently done, and promised that he would
to inflict whatever musical torture they pleased. take care, in future, not to pull out his handkerAway they burst with relentless and resistless fury. chief again in singing time.
There was such scraping, and blowing, and roaring,
ERRORS OF THE PRESS.
BY A REPORTER.
I once had occasion to report that a certain " no-   In an account of General Sandanha's conduct at
ble lord was confined to his house with a violent Oporto, I observed that he "behaved like a hero,"
cold."  Next morning I found his lordship repre- while the printer made it appear that he "behaved
sented to be " confined with a violent scold!"  like a hare!"
In the same way, on the occasion of a recent en-    "We," says the John Bull, "often suffer in this
tertainment, I had said, "that the first point of at- way. About two years since, we represented Mr.
traction and admiration, were her ladyship's looks." Peel as having joined a party of fiends in HampThis compliment was transferred by the printer to  shire, for the purpose of shooting peasants; and
her ladyship's cooks.                           only last week, in a Scotch paper, we saw it gravely
My praises of the "Infant Lyra " (a juvenile mu- stated that a surgeon was taken alive in the river,
sician), were converted to a panegyric on the "in- and sold to the inhabitants at tenpence a pound."
fant Iyar."




832    THE BATTLE OF THE YATCHIES.  THE LONG CANE.  A SHARP RETORT.
THE BATTLE OF THE YATCHES; OR THE VICTORY OF THE YANKEE YACHT, AMERICA.
g  VatttXti (ggg  of cities mal big a Nnrtis4 Lr, at piEtiteab.
On, weep ye British sailors true, -              And now she's quite hull down a-head,
Above or under hatches,                          Her sails like little patches,
Here's Yankee Doodle's been and come,            For sand barges and colliers we
And beat our crackest yatches!                   May sell our boasted yatches.
They started all to run a race,                  We faintly hear the Club-house gunAnd wor well timed with watches;                 The silver cup she snatchesBut oh! they never had no chance                And all the English Clubs are done,
Had any of our yatches.                          The English Clubs of yatches!
The Yankee she delayed at first,                 They say she didn't go by wind,
Says they, we   She'll never catch us,"         But wheels, and springs, and atches;
And flung up their tarpaulin hats-               And that's the way se weathered on
AnThed beat ourf the yatches!                    Our quickest going yatches.
But presently she walked along; a raceBut them's all lies, I'm bound to say,"0 dear," says they, "she'll match us!"         Although they're told by batchesAnd stuck on their tarpaulin hats,'Twas bulk of hull, and cut of sail,
The owners of the yatches.                       That did for all our yatches.
Then deep we ploughs along the sea,             But novelty, I hear them say,
The Yankee scarcely scratches;                   Fresh novelty still hatches!
And cracks on every stitch of sail               The Yankee yatch the keels will lay
UpThe own ers of the   yatches                   Our quickest going yatches.
But one by one, she passes us,                   And then we'll challenge Yankee land,
"Ohile bitterly we watches,                      From Boston Bay to Natchez,
And utters imprecations on                       To run their crackest craft agin
The builder of our yatches.                      Our spick and span new yatches.
THE LONG CANE.A traveller, among other nar-   A FAIR RETORT.-Some English officers asked
And craticks on ever stitch of foreign parts, declared he the kechaplain for a toast. "The King of France!"
knew a cane a mile long. The company looked in- "What,ourfoe"saidllenge  YaColonel.  "Youliveby
credulous, and it was evident they were not pre- him," said the chaplain. The colonel took the first
pared to swallow it, even if it should have been a opportunity of giving, "The Devil!"  "Do you
sugar cane. "Pray what kind of a cane was       opportunit?" mean to affront' me?" said the chaplain.  "You
asked a gentleman, sneeringly.  "It was a hurri- live by him," said the colonel, very coolly.
cane," replied the traveller.




THE TREASURY  OF RAMPSINITUS.                                 833
THE TREASURY OF RAMPSINITUS.
BY JOHN SOUTH  PHILLIPS, M. A.
CHAPTER I.                     When he saw the wholesale disappearance of tin,
OF all the quaint tales that to reading invite us,    Yet the chamber safe sealed, both without and'
The quaintest I know is about Rampsinitus:             within,
As told by Herodotus, in his mQod chirpy,        Indeed, it was clearly no case of house-breaking,
(One hundred and twenty-first chapter, Euterpe.)   For the house was not broke-he was quite in a
First of all, then, we read, after Proteus was dead,   taking.
That Prince Rampsinitus was king in his stead;   But when, on a second and third visitation,
So vast were his treasures of silver, no wonder  He constantly found there was fresh depredation,
His Majesty wished to secure them from plunder;  He issued his mandate for man-traps and gins
And determined at once, with this object alone,    To be made, and set craftily all round the bins.
He wouTd have a grand chamber constructed of stone.  *      *       *      *       *
The architect's name I regret I can't tell,
The architect's name I regret I can't tell,  By and by came the thieves: one went in as beBut he thought he might build his own fortune as       fore,
well;                                     And proceeded to plunder the Royal store,
And being, it seems, at all dodges a dab,
And being, it seems, at all dodges a dab,       But when just in the act-O, my goodness! bangHe contrived in the chamber a movable slab;
Thus the building was quickly completed, we're told    snap!
wa~.il. m d.'.od XThe unfortunate fellow was caught in the trap;
And the king stored within it his silver and gold.   So, seein at once he was doomed for eternity,
Well, time rolled along, till one very fine day             at         he 
This architect found he must  ature's debt pay  With the greatest sang froid he called hisfraterThis architect found he must Nature's debt pay;
So he summoned at once his two sons to his bed,    You y  
"You see my sad fix, my dear brother," he said,
And, after some puffing and wheezing, he said-    Come in if you love m e, and cut of my head'In "Come in, if you love me, and cut off my head;
"4 My boys! with your welfare alone in my view,
in  should Ibe discovered, sure my recognition
I have done what but very few fathers would do."  For, s
Would bring you as well as myself to perdition,"
In short, the old fellow explained them his trick;   Would bring ou as well as mself to perdition,"
Gave the size and the place of the movable brick,
And told them that, bearing this well in their mind,
They could draw the king's money whenever in-    i X
clined;
So, calling his progeny to his bedside,
The governor blessed them, and afterwards-died.
The funeral over, a period brief                             (
Sufficed the bereaved ones for mourning and grief;  
They felt they had each a proud mission to fill,                no 
And began to act up to their late father's will;       f/i:\I
To the chamber they came, under cover of night,    i'!l  li
Found the slab, as their parent had told them, all                      - ~   \I   1,
right;                                                                ) 
Slipped it out from the wall-then slipped quietly in,'1i
And succeeded in pocketing plenty of tin.
CHAPTER I I.                                  _1
j ii!
ELL, matters went                      =
smooth, and all    _       = =_
seemed to be
right,
Till the  King, >So I   _ found the great To this, with much feeling, the other replied:. A']  ~ - privy    purse  "You speak like a book, sir, it can't be denied
growing light;'Tis, of course, most unpleasant one's brother to
So he called the       kill,
Lord Keeper to  But since you're so pressing, I'll do as you will."
fetch him  the  So, refitting the slab, after doing the job,
key,            He departed for home with his poor brother's
And  proceeded         nob.
at once to his
stone treasury;                  CHAPTER III.
On opening the
door, just con- At the first break of dawn rose the King from his
ceive his sur-        bed,
prise!         And hastily off to his Treasury sped,
His     Majesty  Dumbfounded he stood, in the direst amaze,
scarce could be- At the dread apparition that there met his gaze;
lieve his own  The thief's headless body still baffled detection,
eyes,          A trunk " left till called for," without a direction.




834                        THE TREASURY OF RAMPSINITUS.
Each man with his pewter-and reasoning thus:
" What is sorrow to him, is a godsend to its."
Well-our hero feigned fury to perfect his ruse,
______      And loaded them all with the choicest abuse,'I~;c 4       { - Till they took to consoling him under his sorrow,
_........ X.  i               And said: "Never mind, you'll be better to-morrow."
So, pretending at length to regain his composure,
He picketed his troop in a joining enclosure:
~-~-?[ 1.-" C~-~a~l~,~,~SF~~Y~j~:~a  I <After some conversation, and mutual chaff,
They actually managed to get him to laugh:
Till they worked on his noble and generous mind,
To give them a bottle of sherry white wine,
Whereupon they all voted a snug bivouac,
And cheerily gave one another the sack;
Till, in merriment, one took his host by the throttle,
And swore he should help them to finish the bottle:
Pretending to yield to this urgent request,
After some hums and haws, he sat down with the
rest;
So high was their glee, and so hearty their greeting,
---  /   iHe felt himself bound to continue his treating;
In short, the whole guard got excessively drunk,
And when, searching the building, all proved safe And down in the arms of Morpheus sunk.
and sound,
and nowhere could inlet or outlet be found,  The night was far spent-to the right about face
nowhere coud it    oe be          He shaved the policemen-a badge of disgrace;
Posed, puzzled, perplexed, at a loss what to do  And leavin them thus demi-whiskered and drunk
_.Be, 7t last, *o the following Axpedient X |  And leaving them thus demi.whiskered  and drunk,
He, at last, to the following expedient flew.            
Embarrassed at first with this absence of crest  He detached from the building his late brother's
trunk,
He did what he could with his arms and the rest.    trun,
Slung it over his asses, and thus undetected
So, nailing the trunk to the wall, as a hatchment,   Got homer having done as his mother directed
He stationed police, (letter A. 1. detachment),
With orders-that any one given to grief,
Or showing compassion at all for the thief,                    CHAPTER V.
They should take into custody, handcuff, and  When the news that the body was stolen away
bring'               I When the news that the body was stolen away
At once to my Lord Rampsinitus the King.      Came to Royalty's ear,'twas the devil to payThe body had scarce been suspended a day,     The King in his fury said,Cost what it might,
When the Mother "took on" in a terrible way,  He'd die or discover this mischievous wight;Attacked the Survivor-said, somehow or other    It was this that at last he determined to do:
He must and should bring home the corpse of his (Though, between you and me, I believe it untrue)
Brother;                                To the drawing-room levees he made an exception,
With a threat: that, on failing to do her good And bade the Princess hold a bed-room reception,
pleasure,                               Bade her entertain all, and not be particular,
She'd go straight to the King, and tell who had his But first to demand a confession auricular;
treasure.                               To compel them to tell her-each one mother's sonThe sharpest and wickedest act he had done;
The man that should own the affair of the thief,
CHAPTER IV.                   She should grapple him tightly, and bring him to
grief.
When his mother continued this fiery tirade,  The fair Princess Roval no cavilling made,
And all he could say to her failed to persuade,  But her father's injunctions most strictly obeyed.He saw thus together they never could lodge,
And finally hit on the following dodge:         Well, matters remained statu quo for a season,
By hook or by crook, or from some of his cronies,  Till the thief heard the fun, and at once knew the
He collected a lot of Jerusalem ponies,             reason:
Filled some goat-skins with wine, slung'em over In his sleeve the arch-dodger complacently laughed,
their backs,                            And determined to outdo the king in his craft:
And started his posse of asinine hacks;       With the arm of a man very recently dead
Well —nothing had happened his march to retard,  Hidden under his cloak, on his errand he sped;
Till he found himself near to the dead-body-guard,   Came before the Princess, and, when asked like
When he slyly unfastened a goat-skin or two,        the rest,
And out gushed the wine (as, of course, it would He freely at once to her Highness confessed:
do);                                    " The wickedest act of my lifetime," he said,
He then boxed his own ears-out a bellowing  "Was when I cut off my poor trapped brother's
burst-                                        head;
Seemed quite at a loss to which ass to go first —    The sharpest was when, having made the guard
Like "a John" out of place he was fairly non        drunk,
plus,                                   I took down from the building, and packed up his
When the dead-body-guard made a general rush;       trunk."




OLD FRIENDS WITH NEW  FACES.                                 835
This said-she  remembered her father's com- Personal safety, and I don't know what,
mand,                                     If only the man to the King could be got:
And laid hold, as she thought, of the gentleman's Well, the thief, with firm trust in his Majesty's honor,
hand;                                     Presented himself; —says the King, "You're a
But, in fact, nothing else than the arm of the        stunner:
dead,                                     I give you my own royal daughter to wife,
Which he left her, and out through the palace-gate
fled. 
CHAPTER VI. 
W    wonderul                                   i
news  to
the King
was conveved,
iHe was
stunned at'IS
the  wisdom  and
daring displayed;
Andheraldsf
in his Majesty's
name,........
Through
the length  As the knowingest chap I have seen in my life;
and   the For Egyptians are classed above all other men,
breadth of his realm to proclaim-        But I'm hanged if you ain't a cut above them."
OLD  FRIENDS WITH  NEW  FACES.
NOT BY MARTIN F. TUPPER.
COINED metal impels the feminine horse.        Royalty may be contemplated with impunity, even
It is painful to be in attendance for the pumps of by a feline quadruped.
departed individuals.                            No vendor of the finny tribe announces that her
Loveliness lies not beneath the superficies of the piscatory spoil is so decomposed as to offend the
exterior cuticle.                              olfactory nerves.
Let every man pursue the bent bof his own genius,   Why should the smaller domestic utensils accuse
as the elderly matron observed, while saluting her the larger of nigrotude?
vaccine favorite.                                 Feathered bipeds of similar plumage will live
An equestrian mendicant will journey towards the gregariously.
realms of his Satanic Majesty.                    Those, the illumining apertures of whose mesToo great a number of culinary assistants may suages are vitrified, should never project fragments
impair the flavor of the consomm.               of granite.
A pebble, in a state of circumvolution, acquires   The capital of the Papal States was not connot the lichens of mural vegetation.            structed in a diurnal revolution of the globe.




836                               TEE STREET CONJUROR.
THE STREET-CONJUROR.
BY HAL. WILLIS.
of the performer, appears a
young clerk, with a penny
Cuba'twixt his lips, and
" preserved" in a fashionable
Macintosh, who half patronizes the exhibition by casting
a copper ostentatiously in
the air, with, for him, the expressive encomium of " Dem
l!h~ ~          ~the fallow!"
It may be a weakness, but
we must confess that we always mix ourselves up in
these audiences; for the efforts and exertions of these
itinerant vagabonds create an
XI Aim    M\\,IU   f>:l\E               f~indescribable excitementsa
sort of melancholy pleasure
— that leaves, we trust, no
SINCE thedecinunprofitable  impression on
Or t  ys        the mind. The faded finery
of the tawdry little jacket
or vest-the  soiled white
"tights"  and   the muddy
high-low boots —and    the sallow complexion of the loudvoiced  performer —are all
co  I  ms                      sad, very sada! He looks like
l[[[:]l time                                    a "soiled remnant" of the
Scattered company of the
once-splendid   Richardson,
the emperor of showmen;
and when we recall to mind
the annual display  which
feasted our devouring eyes
I~'~  ~  ~ ~i ~~at the Fair of St. Bartholomew, we sigh to think of the
SINCE the decline of fairs, which, for the last ten  sorrowful changes relentless Time hath wrought.
or twelve years, have gradually lost their charms in  The familiar tricks-the repetition of the oft-rethe eyes of a "discerning public," the Street-Con- peated jokes (as threadbare as the speaker)-bring
juror, obtaining a precarious livelihood upon the  fresh to our pondering mind those happy days
voluntary contributions of an admiring crowd, has when "trifles light as air" were wont to tickle us
evidently gained considerable patronage.  In all to laughter.
quarters of the town, he man now be seen enacting    How has be fallen from his "high estate!"  The
his wonders, for the entertainment of a gaping mob, brilliant prince, all glittering with spangles, whose
composed of all grades.                         splendid habiliments excited our wonder, now
There stands the grinning errand-boy, the fore- trudges in the filthy mud!
most of the motley circle, losing his employer's   The romanoe of our infant mind has evaporated
time and letting his commission go "clean out" oi like a dream! The cold and vulgar reality serves
his head, rubbing against a chimney-sweep, regard- only to create our commiseration. Paint seldom
less of the sooty contamination; and divers dirty  conceals the ravages of dissipation in the bard-feaboys bent upon no errand in the worldbut idleness tured and haggard countenance. We-not unchariand mischief. Servants-of-all-work, transfixed to  tably, but reasonably-conclude, from his appearthe spot by curiosity, with mugs for the dinner ance, that half his time is perhaps passed in the
beer, or a dish for the chops or steaks, in one hand, public streets, and the other half wasted in the puband twirling a latch-key upon the thumb of the  lie-house. He has no huge caravan now to transother. All excited by the wonders, and expressing  port him from place to place; the whole implements
their pleasurable surprise in broken exclamations or of his vocation are carried about with him. An old
I"Well, then, I never!" and "That beats every  rusty sword, some balls, a dish or plate, a pack of
think as I ever seed!" while the outermost circle of dirty cards, and some broad-bladed knives, comprise
the congregation, like a rich fringe to a shabby  nearly all his available "1properties;" and, certainly,
cape, is made up of the more respectable class of when the stock is considered, the interest he demiddling people.                                rives from it is greater far than the proceeds of any
Probably, stationed at the gas-lamp, at a sufficient joint-stock bank in the three kingdoms.
distance to prevent any vulgar contact, and still at   His rude oratory, and the cunning manner in
the same time near enough to witness the dexterity  which he excites the curiosity of his audience, and




THE STREET CONJUROR.                                    837
contrives to extract the reluctant pence from their    "That's the very reason, sirrah, he ought to be
pockets, are admirable specimens of seductive elo- beaten, and for which I shall beat you, if you don't
quence, and worthy a better cause.              instantly obey; so, set to work."
The most earnest and successful appeal, to the    "To work!-you don't mean it."
largest audience, seldom or never brings more than    "I do."
a shilling or eighteen-pence to his exchequer.     "It's a big fib, for you mean me to play, I know.
These contributions, however, as he repeats his   "Well, play away, then."
performances so frequently, would produce an ample    "Please, sir, I've lost my drum-sticks," replied
sum; but, unfortunately, our climate is so unfavora- the fool; "perhaps you'll lend me a pair?" pointing
ble to alfresco entertainments, that he is very often  to his master's legs.
"rainedin" (like a runaway horse) for days together.   "No, sirrah, I want'em to support me."
In the winter season, indeed, he is rarely visible: he    "Then I only wonder how you manage to live
appears to "'go out" with the butterflies. Whether, upon such a slight support. Why, it's as bad as
like them, he is transformed to a " little grub," we the -Di-e-tittery of the workhouses."
know not; but the probability is that he lives upon    A burst of "popular feeling" followed this allushort commons.                                  sion.
In this profession, as in many others, there are    "Come, sirrah, no talking; take the pipes and
different grades; some exercising their feats un- drum, and summon our friends to witness our asaided, while others have the able and attractive  tonishing feats of legerdemain and balancing, which
assistance of music and a confederate, who usually  we confidently hope will be thought worthy of their
enacts a role similar to the clown in the circle.  patronage and support."
We shall endeavor, as far as the power of our    "Hear, hear!" exclaimed the fool. And forthpen will permit, to describe one of the latter class: with he thrust the Pandean pipes in the breast of
-One September afternoon, we were attracted by  his waistcoat, and began blowing away to the very
a motley mob of boys and girls and ", children of a noisy accompaniment of the drum.
larger growth," who were following closely upon the    The master, meanwhile, begging his audience to
heels of two men. They were both dressed in  enlarge the circle, commenced throwing up the
shabby great-coats. The head of one was adorned  balls, first two, then three, and lastly four, with a
with a cloth cap; -the other sported a very "de- facility and precision which would not have disteriorated" white hat, that, in the palmy days of graced the manual dexterity of the celebrated InHunt, might have surmounted the caput of a re- dian jugglers.
spectable radical. A countenance smeared with    And now, drawing four broad-bladed knives from
white and red appeared ludicrously enough in such  the apparently inexhaustible bag, he played with
a guise. He bore a huge drum at his back, and a them in the same manner, the fool still keeping up
canvas bag in his hand, while his companion carried  the time.
a ladder about eight feet high on his shoulders, and    The crowd gradually became more dense, and a
led a juvenile Arabian pony (vulgd, a donkey) in a few pence were from time to time cast into the
string. We, of course, joined the idlers.       circle.
Arriving at one of the broadest of the many    Having finished his second performance, he bade
streets which run into the City-road, the leader of the clown produce the money-bag, who, putting
the mob halted.                                 down his drum, drew out a small one, about the
A moment's consultation, and an evident excite- size of a shilling, with a long bobbin to it.
ment in the crowd ensued. At last, the drum was    "What's this for, sirrah?" said his master.
placed upon the ground-the young donkey was    "For the sovereigns," replied the fool.
tied to one of the rowels of the prostrate ladder,   "Nonsense.  Where's the one for the small
and in the meanwhile the " company" began-to en- change?" inquired his master.
circle them-the urchins "punching" their way to    The clown then brought forth a large leathern
the best and foremost places. Cards, cups and  bag from the capacious pocket of his nether garballs, and other mystic machinery, were brought to  ment.
light from the capacious bag, and displayed in order,    " It's all very well," said he, " but I'm such a loyal
with rather a tiresome precision, to the expectant man that when I get one good sovereign I'm never
beholders.                                      desirous of seeing any change;" and proceeding to
At length, all was ready. The white hat was collect the pence, he continued, "This is what
thrown aside, and then the envious coat that con- mother used to call'picking up a livelihood.'"  A
cealed a very dirty cotton garb of white and red. laugh followed this sally, and, better than all, some
The boys shouted, for it was a real clown, after all liberal hand threw three pennyworth of coppers,
— albeit the muddy lace-up boots, with hob-nailed  which fell upon the shoulders of the clown. Turnsoles and heels, rather " derogated" from the dig- ing quickly towards the donor, he exclaimed, "Sir,
nity of the character.                          the shower of your benefits has not fallen upon a
"Now, sirrah, beat the drum," said the conjuror, barren soil. I have not words to express my gratidoffing his cap and coat, and exhibiting a short tude. I can truly say," rubbing his shoulders,
muscular, ill-made figure, arrayed in a loose pair of " that I am struck by your liberality. Now, master,
white tights, garnished with strips of red and green  go on, and while you raise the wind, I'll not cease
tape, and a very confined dark velvet vest, through  to blow, depend on't." And delivering the bag into
the arm-holes of which his shirt-sleeves flowed full the conjuror's hand, he recommenced his music.
and free;-" Now, sirrah, beat the drum."       Now shuffling, and cutting, and flapping the cards,
"Beat the donkey, sir?" inquired the fool (a very  "as the manner is,:' the conjuror paraded round
old fool, by the bye, averaging about fifty), and  the circle, requesting one of his audience to draw a
hereupon there was such a shout!               card, " anywhere, no matter which," as he said. A
"No, sirrah; the drum, the drum!"            boy took a card.  "Look at it," said he, "you'll
" What for, sir? He ain't done nothing, I'm sure." remember it? Now place it in the pack, take it in
54




838                              THE STREET CONJUROR.
your own hands, and shuffle it. There, don't be    Having replaced the bowl and its contents, he
afraid; mix'em well together. Now, you're sure proffered his services to his master, who having
it's there?" " Yes, quite," replied the boy. " Pres- securely tied the donkey's legs to the ladder, with
to! begone," exclaimed the conjuror, casting up his the fool's assistance, raised him  on his chin, and
eyes with a mysterious air, and "snapping" the  held him in equilibrio in the air.
cards with his right hand. He then bade him name    " Ain't my master clever?" said the fool, "and
the card aloud.                                yet all the world must see that he's below an ass!
"The Jack-the Jack o' Clubs," said the boy.   You laugh-you're tickled —but there's a moral in
"The Jack of Clubs, eh! Now look;" and then  this that none of you see. I'll expound: That man
displaying the cards one by one upon the ground, and that ass are a type of the world as it wags.
the identical card was found-wanting.  "Are you For how many asses are daily supported by the
quite sure, young gentleman, that you put it into  ability of clever men!  The Temperance Society
the pack again?"                               will tell you that asses alone get'elevated.' Don't
"That I am," replied the lad confidently, at the  believe'em! Drunkenness may make a beast of a
same time coloring up to the eyes, as if he were man, but let me tell you every thing is good in
really under the suspicion of having purloined it.   moderation. They tell you to drink water, and
"Well the card isn't worth much, but the pack  promise you length of years, which is as much as
will be spoiled without it. Come, I'll give anybody  to say that if you drink water, your ears will ina penny who will produce it."                  crease to the length of a donkey's! —pah! when
And taking up the leathern bag for the reward, the spirit is fled the man is dead, and all arguments
he suddenly drew out, instead of the penny, the  are weak that are wanting in-spirit! But I must
missing card! This delusion was so well executed  assist my master; the greatest fool can give a man
that there was a general murmur of applause.   a lift upon occasion." Having released the conjuror
He next threw a rusty sword into the air, and  and the donkey, which appeared very stupid and
catching it as it descended, balanced it on his chin  inert, the master stood in the midst of the circle,
and forehead, walking about the ring; then placing to take a little breath after his feat."
a pewter platter on the hilt, and beating it swiftly    "Now, calf, leave the donkey," said he.
round with his hand, he raised it aloft, whirling    "Calf indeed!" replied the indignant fool, "I'll
with the rapidity of a smoke-jack, and striking the  show you I can make a little wheel before I'm dead,
point of the weapon in the bowl of a table-spoon, at any rate;" and casting a hoop adroitly over his
took the handle between his teeth, and moving his master's head, he exclaimed, " There, now; there's
head backwards and forwards (with that action so a little wheel in a jiffy."
peculiar to the goose!) he walked with arms a-kimbo    " How do you mean, sirrah?"
across the primitive parterre of his chosen theatre,   " Why, that'ere hoop's the tire, and you're the
to the admiration of the spectators. This being  knave," to be sure, replied he.
concluded, "Now, sirrah," said he, " while I pre-   " But where's the spokes, man?"
pare the infant prodigy, get your dinner."       "Why, you're the spokes-man, everybody must
"That's the ticket," exclaimed the fool, putting  allow," quickly answered the fool; and his master,
down his drum and pipes with alacrity, and tenderly  picking up the hoop and throwing it at him, he
addressing the former, he warned it to be quiet:-  caught it, and began trundling it round the area
" Unless anybody hits you, don't make a noise, now, formed by the spectators.
but be dumb, dumb! And there's the pipes-which    " What are you about, sirrah?"
although rather the worse for wear, I hope nobody    "Playing at hoop," replied the fool; "will you
won't smoke'em!"                              hide?"
"Now, sirrah, be quick, and don't keep the don-   "I'll hide you," said his master. " Come, strike
key waiting," said his master.                 up;" and the buffoon immediately resumed his mu"I'll not keep you a minute," replied the clown, sical instruments, and began blowing his pipes, and
and hereat all the boys laughed immoderately, and throwing and swinging about his drumsticks, after
the bigger folks tittered. Proceeding to the bag, the most approved mode of the Moorish drummer.
he drew out a wooden bowl, filled with strips of   The conjuror then took a large blue and white
white paper.                                   dish, and began whirling it to and fro, up and down,
" Here's lining for a man's trunk!" said he, " but to the nervous amazement of the throng, who exI suppose I must chew it, whether I choose or no; pected every moment to see it fall, and dashed to
so here goes;" and he forthwith began filling his pieces on the ground. At last, placing it between
mouth with the shreds.                         his legs, he looked up, and pretended to cast it in
" It's sweet and clean, at any rate," said his mas- the air. Up went his hand, and the dish was gone!
ter.                                           All eyes were upturned towards the sky, expecting
"I think it's a little foul, for if here ain't a to see the dish skimming the air; and so adroitly
bone!" cried he, arresting his masticatory opera- was the deception executed, that they all laughed
tions; and putting the forefinger and thumb of his heartily at their disappointment; for the conjuror
right hand to his jaws, he drew out what is techni- had merely passed it from one hand to the other,
cally termed a " barber's pole," which he gradually  and now quietly laid it down.
extended, projecting it from his lips four or five   Placing a sort of leathern cup, with a strap, upon
feet! Taking it in his hand, and spitting out the his forehead, which projected like the horn of a
paper, which he had crammed into his capacious rhinoceros, he grasped a wooden ball, about the
mouth, he held it up to the laughing crowd; "If size of an orange, and began tossing it in the air,
that ain't enough to choke an alderman!-mind me about as high as the copings of the adjoining
if I don't discharge the cook, that's all, for attempt- houses; and at last in its descent, caught it in the
ing to dish me, instead of the dinner. No more  cup! He repeated the apparently dangerous exmade dishes for me; my standing dish in future, periment; for, in its fall, should he miss it, the ball
depend on't, shall not be stationary."         certainly threatened to "put him out of counte



THE STRANGER I MET AT MY CLUB.                                 839
nance."  Having caught it for the third time, he in the world, can do the least without'coppers,' you
appealed to the generosity of a "British public" know. Thank'e, sir, thank'e."
for more contributions. A few more pence were    Having made a tolerably good collection, he
scattered.                                     looked round the circle before tying up the con"That's your sort!" exclaimed the fool, seizing  tribution:the large bag, and beginning to collect the tribute;    "I do not wish to disappoint the generosity of
" down with your dust! If any lady or gentleman  any individual: before I draw the string, is there
wishes to contribute a piece of silver, I've a hand  any one who wishes to bestow a mite?"' open as day to melting charity.'  Only consider   " No, no; go on!" shouted a boy from the crowd,
my master's family. Here's a big drum; and here's who had contributed nothing, and was impatient of
the pipes, which cost, I don't know how much and  the delay.
a great deal more; and then there's the ass, myself   "We shall go on directly," replied the fool.
and himself, and a large family of small children at " Ladies and gentlemen, the fireworks are all over!"
home, who are admiring the beautiful eyes of an    Hereupon there was a general movement in the
old potato, and smelling a red herring! Pray tip; crowd, and they gradually separated; while the
for master owes me the last fortnight's wages, and  Street-Conjuror and his merry colleague resumed
there's my washerwoman all'in the suds;' and their walking attire, and took up their paraphernalia
when she asks me,'Dick, how are you off for soap?' preparatory to a repetition of their gambols in some
poor creature, she'll look blue-bags at me if I don't favorable spot in the vicinity.
shell out the browns. Washerwomen, of all women
THE STRANGER I MET AT MY  CLUB.
atlIe of iJe  dSe of aligljt.
ANONYMOUS.
AT the club of which I am  a member, "The  remember, and pot of porter-and was picking my
Whitechapel Athenaeum," we are allowed to bring  teeth very leisurely to give William time to get me
strangers with us to dinner-a very great conve- my pint of sherry, when my attention was called to
nience, every one must allow, to our friends. I the other end of the room by a gentleman making
live in that neighborhood; I am not ashamed to  a speech. He was a stranger; a stout man, about
confess it. In fact, I have been so long in busi- my own age-fifty or thereabouts-and he had
ness, and have seen such a variety of things in my  been brought in by a friend, a member of the club
life, that I am too old to be ashamed of any thing. with whom I am not acquainted. They had dined
At any rate, I am above the paltry affectation of together very quietly-cold beef and pickles, Wilmany of my neighbors, who consider it something  liam said, exactly at three-and, in fact, so little
mighty ungenteel to remain in town at this season  noise had they made, that I was not aware of their
of the year, and give out to all their friends that presence in the room. All of a sudden, I heard a
they are gone to Margate or Gravesend,when I know  speech proceeding with the most amazing volubilfor a certainty that they have never budged from  ity. I was so far off I could not catch a word of
their own homes. One of them-I don't choose to  it, but I perceived from the gestures he made use
mention names-a drysalter by trade, a leading  of, and the risings and failings of his voice, that he
member of our club-in fact, the only one who en- was an accomplished orator. His whole audience
deavored to exclude me when I was a candidate  was his friend-a mercer from  Cornhill-a very
for admission-put a ticket in his window with  quiet, respectable man, who certainly looked amazed
"Gone to Brighton for the season," written on it; at the performance.  It lasted, I should think,
when, I declare, I have seen him almost every day  twenty minutes; at the end of which time, the
slinking through by-lanes and alleys into his back- gentleman sat down and knocked very loudly with'
shop. All this, I say, I am above. I stay in town  both hands on the table, and kicked with all his
the whole year round, and dine at my club every  might upon the floor. Shortly after that, he volday. The club, however, it must be confessed, has unteered a song;'twas' Will Watch, the bold
a very desolate appearance all August and Septem- Smuggler," and very well he sang it, bestowing
ber; piles of uncut newspapers blocking up every  at the end the same hearty marks of approbation
table, windows badly cleaned, floors scarcely sand- on it that he had formerly done on the speech.
ed above once a week, and if by any chance a    My wine vwas now put before me, and I placed
member does come in, he looks for alL the world as my tooth-pick in my pocket. Before I had finished
if he were detected in a forgery. The steward of one-half of the decanter-I drank very slowlythe club has gone on leave of absence; the butler the mercer from Gornhill slipped off, and I thought
is never to be found; dear me! the very waiters I perceived by the doggedly determined manner
seem asleep; and you have to wait at least half an  with which he fixed his hat on his head, that he
hour for your pint of wine. However, in spite of had no intention of returning. The stranger waitall these inconveniences, it is better to dine there  ed very patiently for some time, but at last, looking
than at a chop-house; and, accordingly, every day, all round, and seeing nobody but me, he carried his
summer and winter, punctually at five o'clock, I decanter-I declare to heaven it was entirely empty
take my seat at the little square table, up at the -up to the table I was sitting at, and making me
middle window looking directly opposite into the  a very polite bow, proposed, as we were both enLondon Hospital.                               joying our wine, that we should do so in comOne day last week I had dined-mutton chop, I pany.




840                       THE STRANGER I MET AT MY CLUB.
" Company, my dear sir," he continued, drawing    "No."
in his chair, and filling up his glass out of my de-   "Good heavens! what a man you must be! The
canter; "company, sir, is indispensable to me. Isle of Wight is the loveliest place in the world,'Tis even recommended for my health."          sir. All the Undercliff is a slice out of Eden;
"Indeed, sir," I said, keeping a firm hold of my  hundreds of people go there every year, pretendwine, for he had finished his glass in a moment, ing to be in bad health —'tis only to enjoy the
and looked very dangerously at the decanter scenery and eat prawns. Dr. Clarke calls it the
again.                                         British Madeira;'tis the only homebrewed I ever
"Yes, sir; I am liable to low spirits. I have  heard of, which is better than the original. Ah!
such a lot of sensibility;'tis quite distressing to'tis indeed a charming spot, and five-and-twenty
see me sometimes. Nice club this is."          years ago,'twas still more beautiful than now. I
"Very    "                                   was young then; thin, elegant, genteel; grief had
"I think of belonging to it myself.'Twill be a not swelled me; nor tears reddened the point of
charming resource against the agonies of recollec- my nose. And, then, old Sniggs-you never heard
tion, the woes of memory, and the grief of a too  of old Sniggs?"
sensitive, too sympathizing heart. You don't help    "No, sir; never."
yourself to the wine."                            "Curious;-a d-d old hunks as ever was, but',I have had enough, sir," I said, as repulsively  such a sweet creature his daughter! Ah, Julia!
as I could.                                     How playful she used to be at church I We always
"Nonsense! Enough? why, you've had nothing. flirted immensely all the time of the psalms. And
Let me help you."  So saying, he fairly got posses- Hoskins-never heard of Hoskins?"
sion of my pint decanter, and divided the contents    " Never."
of it equally between us.                        "Odd again;-a dog, sir. A handsome, laugh" This is the fine free and easy way I like to see ing, jolly, swearing, whiskered, infernal fellow, sir.
things carried on in clubs. What are clubs?  Con- He was six feet two —without a shilling-he had
fraternities of congenial souls. If I belonged to a spent two fortunes —and, as bad luck would have
club, there is not a member in all whose woes I it, went down to the Isle of Wight."
would not have a share."                          "To eat prawns, sir?"
"And in his bottle, too," I said, with a sneer.   "No-to catch gudgeons, sir. He caught me"Good! good! Well, that does deserve some- the rascal! That's my story, sir."
-thing. Waiter, a bottle of port. Ah, sir! how    "What is, sir? I have heard no story yet."
charming it is to meet with a good-humored, pleas-   "No! How slow you must be. Don't you see
ant, agreeable, witty companion, such as you! it all? But I'll tell it you, sir, word for word.'twas a capital hit about the bottle-I took it at Pray, sir, do you ever lend money to a friend?"
once."                                            This was too much, and I determined to stop the
"So I saw, sir. You took every drop of it."  man's impertinence at once. The idea of asking
"Good again! Waiter, why the devil don't you  me for a loan after ten minutes' acquaintance! I
bring that bottle of port?  Alas! sir, you must ex- could not help thinking he was a swindler.
cuse me. I am dreadfully subject to low spirits.   "No, sir," I said: "I would not lend a shilling
But, thank heaven, here comes William with the  to the dearest friend I have in the world; no, not
wine."                                         to keep him from starving. And, as to trusting a
He poured out a glass, and after looking at it for stranger with a sixpence, sir, I should consider he
some time, swallowed it off in a twinkling.    was insulting me if he hinted at such a thing."
"Medicine, sir-purely as medicine I drink it.   "Give me your hand," exclaimed the stranger,
It enables me to bear up. I should die without it "give me your hand. I am proud to have met
-ennui —blue devils-hypochondriasis-"           you-you will be a happy man all youar days-you
"'And thirst, sir?" I said; but somehow the ex- are a gentleman-a wise man. Would to heaven I
traordinary familiarity of the man's manner dis- had always thought as you do! Ah! sir, you shall
armed my dislike, and I filled up my glass, and ac- hear. Old Sniggs was worth a hundred and fifty
companied my observation with a smile.         thousand pounds —Julia his only child. I, sir, lived
"Capital again! You have said three very witty  next door to them in Finsbury Square, and flirted
things.. I declare to heaven, sir, I am ashamed of with the daughter every Sunday at church. Could
myself, but I can't laugh. No, sir; the effort would  any thing be more agreeable?  Yet, somehow or
choke me.  I have one fatal remembrance, one  other, we never could scrape up an acquaintance.
sorrow, but you know the lines-  "              A she dragon, in the shape of an old housekeeper,
" Indeed, sir?" I asked, inquiringly.       always guarded that fairest of Hesperian apples"True. I have thought of suicide; but'tis so  plums, I should say, for you perceive she was heircommon,'tis become vulgar; my shoemaker cut ess to a plum and a half-and nothing I could do
his throat last week. I will tell you my story, sir; could get the better of her vigilance. I worried,
after that judge if I have no cause for regret."  and teazed, and fretted myself to such a degree
"Happy to hear it, sir."         ~           that I nearly tormented myself into a consumption.
The stranger drew his chair more confidentially  Change of scene-mild air-were recommended to
close to. the table, filled up our glasses, and then  me by the faculty, and I set off by the Portsmouth
said-                                           coach for the village of Steephill, at the back of
"Do you know the Isle of Wight, sir?"       the Isle of Wight. I got a charming bed-room
"No."                                        and parlor at a farmer's cottage-oh,'twas Para"Did you ever hear of old Sniggs, of Water- dise!-and the hostess made the most delicious
lane?"                                        hams in the world. Every morning at breakfast I
" No."                                       had magnificent slices —sometimes hot, sometimes
" Did you ever hear of Captain Hoskins, of Har- cold-exquisite prawns, with an occasional lobster.
ridon Lodge?"                                 My health grew gradually better, but I still mused




THE STRANGER I MET AT MY CLUB.'                                841
a good deal about Julia. Even then, sir, solitude    "' What is it?' I said.
was my aversion, and you may guess my gratifica-''Why, as I was just rambling along below
tion when one day I was visited by a tall handsome  Grove's Inn, there passed me a carriage containing
young man, dressed in a style that had once been  two or three ladies. They were evidently strangers;
fashionable-trowsers slightly patched about the'twas a Newport fly; and after they had passed me
knees-coat not quite entire about the elbows, for about twenty yards, the driver stopped, and one of
the benefit of the fresh air; and yet his tout ensem- the ladies-rather demure-looking, and somewhat
ble showing he was a gentleman-a perfect gentle- dowdily dressed-came up and spoke to me.
man. He was romantic, and had stationed him-   "'Did you know her?' I asked.
self at the' Crab and Lobster,' a delicious retreat   "'Never saw her in my life before; but she said
from the cares of life, just under St. Boniface Down. to me, " I take the liberty of addressing you, sir,
He begged the honor of my acquaintance. I went perceiving you to be a gentleman-"'
of course and dined with him that very day-cold    "' By Jupiter, Hosky! my coat and trowlamb and salad-and vowed eternal friendship, and  sers  -'
I was assisted on my homeward way at half-past   "' To inform  you,' continued the old woman,
eight. He was certainly a delightful fellow; no'of our dilemma. We are living at present in
ceremony-no reserve-full of jokes. He came  Southampton: we have come over here for a two
into my bedroom one morning before I was up, days' tour, and, unluckily, we have just this moand clapped on my new coat —an olive green, I ment discovered that we have brought no money
remember, with bright brass buttons-and, all I with us.'
could say, I never could get it back again. Oh!   "' And what did you say, Hosky, my boy?'
he was full of fun!  He did the same with my  asked I.
trowsers:'pon my soul,'twould have killed you    "'Say? why, that I was delighted to have the
with laughing to have heard how comically he  opportunity of being useful-that I would walk
spoke about the trick. I love him yet-the rascal! direct to my hotel and bring them whatever sum
-though he has been the cause of all my misery. they required. They have gone on to Shanklin,'Twas Hoskins;-I need scarcely tell you his name; and as they return this way, I shall present them
you guessed who it was, didn't you?"            with the twenty pounds you have given me.'
"No, sir; I had no idea."                      "'Hadn't you better let me do it myself?' I
"Well; he and I for about a week were happier asked; for I thought, sir, as the money was mine,
than any two men since the fall. We rambled  I might as well have all the merit of helping those
about the sweet vales of Bonchurch-dived into the  damsels in distress. But Hoskins was resolved;
coves of Ventnor;-we were seldom separate for an  and insisted on giving me a note of hand for the
hour in the day. Would to Jupiter we had never amount, in order, as he said, that he might hand it
been separate a moment! Of course we had no  to the ladies with a safe conscience. Noble fellow
secrets with each other. I was come to the island  Hoskins was-wasn't he? Well, sir, when I asked
to recover the tone of my mind and stomach, after him what more he intended to do, what do you
a disappointment in love; he had come to those  think he told me sir?  Why, that he intended to
deep solitudes and awful dells to avoid the imperti- marry the old woman!
nence of his duns. We nearly succeeded in both.   "'The old woman, HIosky!' says I.' Why do
I became ruddy as a peony rose, and was hungry  you fix on her?'
five times a day, and he lost the very recollection    "' Because she is dowdily dressed, and asked me
of wine merchants and tailors. How he rallied me  for money, she must be rich.'
about Julia! how he laughed at the name of Sniggs!   "' Why?' said I, in surprise.'Because she is
But be always particularly impressed on me the  ill-dressed and hasn't a farthing in her pocket?'
necessity of never despairing. We formed together   "'Exactly,' nodded my friend Hoskins-oh, he
a plan of the campaign by which I was to obtain  was a knowing dog.'If she were really poor, she
my wishes. He was to come up and live with me would be finely dressed, and have rather sunk
in London-to drive about in my phaeton-cabs through the earth than have confessed her poverty
are a new invention-and, if possible, obtain an  to a stranger. She must be rolling in money-at
introduction to her himself; and trust to him for least, I'll marry her on the chance.'
pleading the cause of his friend! Nothing could    "So I laughed at him, and he rubbed his hands.
be nicer; I was only anxious to proceed to work, You never saw two fellows so jolly in your life.
and to return to London immediately. As a pre- Hoskins with the pockets of my trowsers stuffed
paratory step, I wrote to several of his creditors, with my bank-notes, and buttoning up the bosom
and became responsible for his debts. Couldn't do  of my olive-green coat. Short-sighted mortal!
less, you know, for a gentleman who was to get me  Confound me if I ever laugh again!  Let me fill
a wife with a hundred and fifty thousand pounds. your glass again, sir.
It seemed very odd to me all this time that Hoskins    "You had better, sir," said I; "for you've
-gay, lively, handsome fellow —-had never been in  emptied it this moment-by mistake, of course."
love. It seemed to give me too much the advan-   "Good again! But now my miseries begin. Sir,
tage over him, but he didn't seem to mind it much. there is a landslip just below a place called UnderHe was as proud of himself as if he had been in  mount Cottage, leading down to a beautiful beach.
love with a dozen. At last, one day —'twas the  Never was so sweet a spot. High hills frowning
sixth of our acquaintance-he came to me and said, above, rugged rocks, shelving glens, quite made'Teddy,' said he,'will you make my fortune?'  for lovers to play hide-and-seek in. Well, sir, that
"'Certainly, Hosky, my boy,' said I;' but how?' smooth expanse of sand, that richly-wooded shore,
"'Lend me twenty pbunds. The oddest thing  that quiet,'blest retirement, friend to life's decline'
in the world has just happened to me.'         -that is, friehd to all who are laboring in a con"I happened only to have twenty-five pounds sumption, sir-that scene, I say, was the witness of
left; gave him four fives without a word; and kept my distraction. Hoskins was a famous sailor, and
the other.                                     had hired a boat, which I paid for at the rate of a




842                       THE STRANGER I MET AT MY CLUB.
guinea a week. By way of passing off the time till And just as I had to turn aside to conceal the emothe old lady's return we resolved to row out and  tion that the unusual jerking of the boat had prolift up the prawn-pots. No amusement can be so  duced in my interior, I caught a glimpse of the party
delightful, sir, as catching prawns in the midst of winding slowly up the landslip-Hosky being bethe finest scenery in the world; for            tween the two ladies, and Julia leaning on his
arm!"
O, I if there be an Elysium on earth, I  "It was very awkward, sir," I said, as the stranger
endeavored to bury his recollections in another
When we were returning, the tide was running out bumper; " but, of course, you explained every thing
at the rate of sixty miles an hour-sad work pulling  on your return?"
against such a racer. But when we had got within    " Return, sir! I never returned: at least it was
a few yards of the shore, who should Hoskins see, fourteen years before I came back again. The
just peeping over the cliff, but the identical old lady tide, sir, I tell you, was running like Eclipse, and I
that had spoken to him  in the morning.  She was as sick as a dog. I lay down, sir, at the botwaved her hand; he kissed his in return; when  tom of the boat, I raged-I raved-I swore; and,
-excuse me, sir, till I've swallowed this bumper-  at last, when evening came on, I was in the middle
just at her elbow, smiling and smirking exactly as of the sea, half mad with sickness and vexation;
we use to do at church, appeared Julia —my Julia-   and, at last, I fell asleep. I awakened, sir, perish-'twas, indeed, Miss Sniggs. My heart jumped into  ing with hunger and thirst —my tongue gets parcl -
my mouth in a moment, and filled it so completely  ed when I think of it-fill up, sir-and I feel as if I
that there was no room for the tongue to move. had no dinner —do you allow a Welsh rabbit at this
Indeed, I believe there was no room for it in the  club, sir?-but what what was I to do?  I was still
mouth at all, and that it hung out like a dog's in  weltering in the pathless deep, and expected every
the hot days of July. How I panted to be sure! moment to be run down by a ship or swallowed up
for you will observe that Hoskins was a capital by a whale. Nothing would do, sir. I shut my
steersman; and always when we rowed out I held  eyes and tried to sleep again. At last, I was fairly
the oars and he the helm; but whether my panting  awakened by a thwack across the shoulders with
proceeded most from the exertion of rowing against the fiat end of an oar-'twas daylight, sir: I saw
tide, or from seeing Julia so.unexpectedly, I cannot several little boats all round me, and a place before
at this distance of time exactly remember. The me which I imagined was St. Helen's.'Hallo! my
silence lasted for some time, and nothing was to be boy,' I cried to the huge fellow, dressed in a hairy
heard but the prodigiously loud kisses that Hoskins cap, who had the oar uplifted in act to fall again,
kept constantly impressing on the palm of his hand.' don't strike so hard, but lend me a couple of oars
At last I pulled my tongue within my lips.      and I'll give you half a guinea when we get to the
"' Heavens!" I cried,' that's my Julia!'  Salutation.' By heavens, sir, I never was so sur"' Your Julia!' says Hosky-' which? the old  prised in my life. I had fallen among a fleet of
lady in the cotton shawl, straw bonnet, and dingy- French fishermen, and the little town I had fancied
colored gown?'                                was St. Helen's was Dieppe. Nice fellow HIoskins
"' No, no; the angel looking over her shoulder was, to play me such a trick! Napoleon and all the
in the pink silk scarf-the old one's the house- marshals, I suppose, were deucedly alarmed at such
keeper.'                                        an invasion, for they clapped me into prison direct"' That's she, is it?' said Hosky.'And a devil- ly; and there I was, sir —only imagine my condiish nice angel she is too. Then, my dear Teddy, tion-till the year eighteen hundred and fifteen.
that alters the whole business; but here we are  This happened, sir, in eighteen hundred and one.
ashore, my boy. Give me the oars; you stay in  There was, I, sir, kept in close confinement: little
the boat and I'll jump to land and keep her to eat; nothing to drink; not a soul to speak to
steady.'                                       -for I never could pick up the language; and all
"Saying this, Hosky-fine active fellow-tossed  because I went to the Isle of Wight to recover my
the two oars ashore, and leaped himself to land; good spirits, and lent money to a friend."
but, instead of keeping the boat steady by the rope    "And what did you do when you came back,
in the bow, what do you think he did?-I must sir?"
really have some brandy-and-water. Why, he gave    "Ate beefsteaks and drank porter, the first half
the boat an. infernal kick with his prodigiously long year, without a moment's intermission, night and
leg, and hollowed after me as the tide caught hold  day. At the end of that time, I went into St. Dunof the Naiad-that was its name, sir-and ran off stan's, and shed a few tears over my mother's
with it like a run away hunter-                 grave. She had died of a fit of apoplexy and a
"' Pleasant voyage to you, Teddy! I hope to  broken heart, about a year after my disappearance;
tell you some news of the fair Julia when you come and the sight of the old pulpit and the pew where
back.'                                          I had had such fun, laughing to Julia, in my young"What could I do, sir? Nothing. I swore a er days, brought the whole scene back into my
little; but it did me no good. Every minute the  memory; but no, it had never left it: I thought of
tide seemed to go faster and faster; and the boat, her incessantly, and wondered what had become of
being left entirely to itself-for, you remember, her. If she is still Miss Sniggs, thought I, all may
Hosky threw the oars ashore-tossed and tumbled be well yet; but how was I to hear of her?  Her
so horribly among the little short waves, sometimes old father had died, or the trade in Water-lane had
turning its side, sometimes its stern, that I been sold; for he was nowhere to be found in the
began rapidly to, become sick. In the mean time Directory. I then tried to find out Hoskins: I
Hosky joined a party on the cliff: I saw him lift off went carefully to the Fleet and the King's Bench as
his hat as if he had been a prince; I saw my bright the most likely places to discover him; but he was
brass buttons glancing in the sun: I saw him put not there. I looked back to all the cases before
his hand in my breeches pocket, and pull out my the.magistrates, and all the convictions at the Old
fives!  Gracious Heavens! fancy my feelings! Bailey: he was nowhere to be found. Years and




THE STRANGER I MET AT MY CLUB.                                 843
years passed on, and the search was still useless; The reddened face and swelled eves of the marquis!
when, at last-your glass is empty, sir-the appal- I could not understand it. Her ladyship was the
ling truth burst upon me: I was a ruined man, sir-  first to speak.
happiness destroyed for life, and the Pleasures of   "' How delighted,' she cried,' mamma will be to
Hope a liber expurgatus-Miss Sniggs was married! see- you! Oh, we have heard the story a hundred
The way I discovered it was this: it had struck me times from papa!'
very forcibly that a pilgrimage to the scene of my    "' Mamma-papa!' I exclaimed.'Yourladyship
misery would be a pleasing occupatiou for a man of is very good-may I ask —-—'
my musing and mnelancholy turn of mind. I mount-   "'My good sir,' said the marquis,' are you -not
ed once more, sir, the Portsmouth coach; crossed  aware that that lady was Miss Hoskins, the daughter
over to Ryde; jumped into one of the open flies of your old friend?'
that are always kept ready at the pier; traversed    "' And her mother, my Lord Marquis?'
the island, and arrived at the old place-the dear   "'Miss Sniggs.'
little cottage where I had smoked so many pipes    "Do you hear that, sir?  The marquis actually
with Hosky-the Crab and Lobster. The whole looked at me with a smile upon his face when he
journey took but nine hours-think of that, sir. told me that most diabolical fact.
Fleet-street at nine in the morning, Bonchurch at   "' So Hoskins married my Julia!' I exclaimed, in
six at night; but there I was, sir, after an absence  my despair;'got all the old gentleman's money;
of more than five-and-twenty years. Wyld, the has a marquis for his son-in-law-and all these
landlord, sir, had no idea I was an old friend with  things ought to have happened to me-would have
a new face, or rather with a face newly done up  happened to me, no doubt, if I had never gone to
— for I had neither red nose nor wrinkles when I the island, or lent twenty pounds to a friend!
had seen him last. Ah!'twas indeed a melancholy'Madam,' said I to the marchioness,'I am enraged
retrospection; but the prawns Are charming as more than ever against your father when I perceive
ever, and the scenery-no, not improved, that's he has robbed me of so fair and exquisite a daughter.'
impossible-but just the same as when I left it. She laughed,'But,' I continued,'nothing is left for
How I rambled all that evening, till it was time for me but to bury myself in this desert, and mourn
supper! What news I heard from  my host!-a  over the unluckiness of my destiny.'
town built at Ventnor; a castle built at Steephill;  I"' You shall do no such thing,' said the marquis;
a fairy palace built at East End; villas rising like'we shall all come down and see you when your
poetical dreams every week upon Bonchurch. Ah! new house is finished. Captain Hoskins and my
thought I, as I tumbled into bed, why the deuce fair mother-in-law will accompany us; he is adding
shouldn't I build a villa? Next morning I revisited  a new wing to Harridon Lodge, and will be delighted
the Landslip-fatal spot-and determined to rear to leave his work-people."
my modest mansion on some gentle promontory    "'Well, then, my Lord,' I said, "twill be ready
commanding the whole scene. When once I re- by October. I have ordered the cellar to be finishsolve on a thing, sir,'tis always more than half done ed first, and wrote off this morning to old Giberne,
already. A gentleman of the name of Page, a in Broad street, to stock me with good wine; and
builder at Ventnor, showed me all the grounds. if you do come, I will do all I can to make you hapWe agreed about terms. Such a heavenly place I py.'
chose! just under the jutting cliff, two hundred and    "' Will you take us out in a boat?' inquired the
fifty feet high, buried amidst a profusion of'plants marchioness, with a malicious smile.
of all scent and flowers of every hue;' and that   "'No, I'm --  but I never swear; or, if I do, I
very day I had fifteen men employed in clearing out will have an extra couple of oars chained to the
the foundation. When I was standing superintend- thwarts.'
ing their operations, I was delighted-petrified, I    " If you can  come down and join us, sir,
own, at the same time-to see a gentleman and  about the tenth of October, I shall be delighted. I
lady approaching me from behind a clump of mag- am but a silent hypochondriac; but I will do every
nificent magnolias, at that moment in full bloom. thing to make it pleasant for you. Are you fond of
The gentleman seemed about three or four-and- shell-fish, sir? Bathing? Sailing? Shooting? Ridtwenty years old; the lady-fair as the first that ing? Driving?  We have them  all, cir; but my
fell of womankind-about eighteen. What a nice  grief is getting the better of me again, ir —I must
pleasant fellow was the gentleman! what a charm- ring for another bottle."
ing creature was the wife! Who do you think they    While the stranger was giving his orders to Wilwere, sir? —Let me propose their healths in a liam, and ordering in a couple of lobsters for supbumper-the bottle's done.-Why they were the  per, I took the opportunity of following the example
Marquis and Marchioness of Marylebone. They  that had been given me by his friend, the mercer
were living in the upper cottage —a fascinating  from Cornhill, and getting, very quietly, possession
couple! In a few minutes, we were as intimate as of my hat and stick, I wended my way home. If
possible-real marquises are always so good-humor- he persists in wishing to be a member of the Whiteed-they invited me to dine with them that day. I chapel Athenaeum, I will black-ball him to a cerwent. Pretty little dinner-soup, fish, lamb, and a tainty. Strangers are not allowed to pay for any
pudding —quite rural, you perceive; and, after a thing they eat or drink; and I found, next day, a
few turns of the wine, I began to tell the marquis bill scored up against me-the mercer having cauand his lady-she staid with us all the time-the  tioned them that he would not be responsible-for
story of my misfortune. Gracious Powers! in the two bottles of port, three glasses of brandy-andmost pathetic part of all, her ladyship went into a water, fourteen cigars, two lobsters, and six dozen
fit-a positive, veritable, boni Jfide fit!  Thank  pandores-in all thirty-two shillings and sixpence.
heaven!'twas only of laughter.  The marquis I am going to propose, at the next general meeting,
nearly burst, sir-he had to unbutton his waistcoat. that no member be permitted to bring a friend, or,
I paused; I looked at the beaming face of the if he does bring him, that he shall be answerable
marchioness —what splendid white teeth she has! for his expenses.




844                                   PICTORIAL RUMOR.
PICTORIAL HUMOR.
BY - SEYMOUR.
iI'j Jmiii;
That man received his charge from me.           Who is it in the press that calls?
Richard III.                                  Julius Ocesar.
[:
That man received hi s charge  from me.         Who is it in the  press  that  caou lls?
iehard III.                                  Romeo and Julietr
~




THE TWO TOMKINSES.                                    845
THE TWO TOMKINSES.
BY RICHARD BRINSLEY PEAKE,
How many a droll error has occurred by the in-   This minister's name was Ghoule.
cident of two different persons, bearing the same    Now, as for Mr. Josiah Tomkins, he was a portly,
name, happening to reside in the same street! sleek fellow, with a profusion of whisker, quite a
And yet, in many streets of London, there may  contrast to Jonas Tomkins; very much attached
be three or four Smiths, or a half-a-dozen Joneses, to cigars and port wine, rowing on the Thames,
or Browns.  Letters and parcels are constantly  shilling promenade concerts, tripe suppers, and
delivered at the wrong houses, and great con- whiskey punch.
fusion created; sometimes important and disa-   Mr. and Mrs. Jonas Tomkins were seated at
greeable secrets are divulged.  The gist of our breakfast, one morning; the lady busied with the
story will rest on the fact, that in a Crescent not a teapot, the gentleman with the Times, from which
hundred miles from the Commercial Road, there  he was culling the "ship news."
lived two persons of the name of Tomkins; we    He read, " ARRIVED, the Illustrious, from Batashall call the crescent " Commercial Crescent:" at: via," and began to wonder if there was any conNo. 20, dwelt Mr. Jonas Tomkins; and at No. 30, signment for him, for he had endeavored to extend
resided Mr. Josiah Tomkins.   They were both  his connections to all parts of the habitable globe.
professionally occupied in the mercantile way; but   "Ah, my dear," said Mrs. Tomkins, "I wish
in their manners and habits were very distinct per- you. could avoid an annoyance, where we really
sons. Jonas Tomkins was a quiet, primitive man, have no connection. Here we live, at No. 20, Comwho, absorbed in his business, had mixed very little mercial Crescent, and, unluckily for us, there is anin the world, though he was not without an inclina- other Tomkins resides at No. 30, and the mistakes
tion to partake of the good things of it.  Mrs. that continually occur between the two houses are
Jonas Tomkins, his cara sposa, had of latter years perfectly unbearable. You, my love, are generally
been tinged with the methodistical persuasion that a well-behaved person, but as for the other,.he is
the sins of mankind are so enormous, that it is quite little better than a bear."
impossible that any one can: be saved; therefore, it   Jonas Tomkins acknowledged that there had
is indispensable that all human beings should remain been some odd coincidences occasioned by the same
depressed, miserable, without hope,:and without names in'the same crescent.
enjoyment. These principles were strongly incul-   Mrs. Tomkins sighed, and said, "I know that
cated by the pastor of a neighboring Ebenezer our Christmas Norfolk turkey, and the sausages,
went by the'Parcels Delivery Company' to the
Tomkins at 30, in the crescent, for we never saw
any of them."
To which Jonas replied, with a smile, "But you
know, my dear, we were even with him, for we
took in an immense cod-fish, and a barrel of oysters,
-   /          -          here, from  somebody unknown: it was directed
m —Act / /',.' J. Tomkins, Esq., Commercial Crescent,' and uncommonly good it was."
Mrs. Tomkins sighed more deeply than before;
-:7~~~~      ~:she pondered whether, or not, unpremeditated or
C  | - U. accidental:sin would be eventually visited by con-,/zii dign punishment.
The postman knocked at the door, always an interesting occurrence to a merchant.
-                  A3                        - The first letter opened by Mr. Jonas Tomkins
was one that had undergone fumigation; and Mrs.
Tomkins regarded it with some alarm, for, she remarked that it looked as if it had the yellow fever.
But Jonas pacified her by stating that it came from
his Batavian correspondents, Messrs. Murgatroyd,
Crombie, and Crossline, and that it was perfectly
safe from infection.
The letter was addressed to "Mr. Tomkins."
"SIR,-Per Illustrious, we beg to introduce to
your notice the Rev. T. Faraway, who has been for
some time a zealous missionary at this and the
neighboring settlements; he is a man of unexceptionable merit, and has been at incredible pains in
educating the natives. He is accompanied to EngChapel, who contrived to make a very good living land by a young prince of Bantam, who, from the
out of the weakness of the nerves of his flock, which  best of motives, a desire to increase his knowledge,
consisted principally of females.              has voluntarily taken the long voyage. The prince




846                                THE TWO TOMKINSES.
is of a most amiable disposition, agreeable in his the varieties of the human race, and it much gratimanners, and mild in his deportment; any atten- fied him to find that he had to make the acquainttions that you can bestow on him will be thank- ance of a real Bantam.
fully acknowledged by,                            Bright had a great notion of becoming a scientific
"Your most obedient servants,"      lecturer, but in what branch, he had not precisely
Etc., etc., etc.             made up his mind.
The same -day that the missionary and his pupil
Now Mr. Jonas Tomkins had every reason to  arrived, an American ship came into the port of
show civility to the firm of Murgatroyd, Crombie, London, the George Washington; she had some
and Crossline, and Mrs. Tomkins was rather pleased  passengers on board, amongst whom was a Mr.
with the notion of an introduction to the learned  Charles Langford, rather a dandy Englishman, who
missionary.                                     had journeyed over the United States, and a Yankee
Benjamin, Mr. Tomkins's footboy, brought in a wine and spirit merchant, by name, Ichabod P.
note, which he stated had been left at the door by  Buggins, who was accompanied, in the shape of
one of the Dock porters.                        "help," or servant, by a free negro, who was known
Tomkins glanced his spectacled eye over it; it at Boston by the elegant cognomen of Apollo Hywas worded as follows:                          acinth. These three persons took up their quarters,
"Mr. Faraway, Asiatic missionary, begs to in- on landing, at the Dock Hotel; to which house of
form Mr. J. Tomkins, that he is at the Dock Hotel entertainment we will now change our scene.
with his prot6ge, the Prince of Bantam."          Mr. Faraway, the missionary, had sent to an emMr. Tomkins could not conveniently leave the  porium  for ready-made clothes, that the young
house himself, expecting persons to call on impor- prince under his charge might not suffer from the
tant business, so he determined to send one of his change of climate, in the slight vestments he had
clerks, a young conceited puppy, named Bright; so  brought from his own country. As the prince had
he told Benjamin to go into the counting-house and  a very slender, flexible figure, like most Asiatics,
tell Mr. Bright he was wanted.                  there was a great difficulty in fitting him, and readyThis Mr. Bright was a character, a downright made clothes rarely fit well at first; one of those
cockney, but who imagined that he overflowed with  small-waisted surtouts that are strained tightly over
talent, though in reality there never was a greater a sort of block at the tailor's door to attract the
oaf.                                            admiration of exquisites, however, was tried on,
Mrs. Tomkins said, "If I were you, dear, I would  and succeeded; but the waistcoat and trousers,
not send Mr. Bright."                           poor things, had to be deceived into the notion that
" Why not, my love?" replied Tomkins, " Bright they would fit, and they were very much " taken in."
is a clever fellow."                              When the missionary had got his prince disguised
"Too clever," continued the lady; " so accom- as a gentleman, he rang the bell for the waiter,
plished, he is always making some absurd mistake." who, on making his appearance, was asked if he
"My dear," said Tomkins, "Mr. Bright marches had sent a porter with the letter to Mr. Tomkins;
with the march of intellect; and notwithstanding  the waiter replied in the affirmative. Mr. Faraway
that he clips his English a little, he can deliver a then inquired if the waiter knew  Mr. Tomkins.
lecture on any subject, from mesmerism  to me- The waiter said smartly, "Yes, sir; lives at No. 30,
teorology."                                     Commercial Crescent; often comes here, sir, to sup
" I grant," replied Mrs. Tomkins, "that Mr. and smoke his cigar."  " Will you show us the way
Bright knows quite as much about one as the  to Commercial Crescent?"-" Yes, sir; certainly,
other; he has lately been reading the articles under sir; not far to walk, sir. Go now, sir, please."
letter M, in the'Penny Cyclopaedia."'          And the waiter preceded the missionary and the
Benjamin now came in with a slip of paper; Mr. prince towards the premises of Josiah Tomkins.
Bright had just stepped out, but had left this notice   Josiah had also finished his breakfast, red heron his desk:-                                  rings and toast, eggs and hung beef, water-cresses,
"Gone down to the singeing-class; back in ten  and a small glass of brandy, and had lighted a
minutes."                                       cheroot to digest every thing. He then opened
In ten minutes, Bright returned, when Jonas his letters, one from a New York correspondent
Tomkins gave him a slight reprimand for selecting  was thus indited:
a time of day for his singing-lesson, when his presence was necessary in the counting-house.         " DEAR TOMKINS,-I beg to introduce to you Mr.
"Here, Sir, read these two letters," said Tom- Ichabod P. Buggins, an eminent wine and spirit
kins, handing them to Bright; "you must run down  merchant of Boston, who is proceeding to the port
to the Dock Hotel, and meet the persons mentioned  of London; you will find him a fellow after your
in this letter, a Mr. Faraway, a missionary, and a own heart, and of a very jovial turn.
young Prince of Bantam, who have just landed    " If you can induce him to tell you some of his
from a vessel in the river. Behave with all possi- crack stories, he will make you split yonr sides
ble respect to them; don't stare in that way, nor with laughter; ask him to relate to you the comical
get into one of your theories, as you call them; history of the Mulatto girl. Mr. Buggins is accomdon't make any mistake, and be back as soon as panied to England by a free black, who is a great
you can."                                       character in his way, but he is so confounded sly,
Bright set off, smiling with contempt at the bare  that it is not easy to set his tongue in motion."
idea that he could possibly make a mistake; he,
who was a sort of minister for foreign affairs for the    " Ay, ay," said Josiah; "' I suppose they will call,
whole house-who went and tasted cheese for and I must give Mr. I. P. Buggins a bit of dinner,
Mr. Tomkins; bought balls of cotton, peppermint and a bottle of port."
lozenges, and all the new tracts for Mrs. Tonikins.   We will now return to the Dock Hotel, where
He had been latterly employing his thoughts on  Mr. Charles Langford was inquiring of the waiter,




THE TWO TOMKINSES.                                     847
where his companion was who had come- on shore    "Long overland journey from Bantam," thought
with him from the George Washington., The waiter Mr. Bright.
replied that Mr. I. P. Buggins had gone to the Ca-   "After your praiseworthy exertions," said Langrolina Coffee House, but had left word that he would ford, " you would probably like some refreshment?"
soon be back, and that his black servant was warm-   The eyes of Apollo glistened, and he answered,
ing himself in No. 5.                           "No dejection to'ittle rum, sar."
Mr. Charles Langford now proceeded to state,   Bright, who was a Temperance Society person, rethat if it had not been for the intrepidity of that fiected on the barbarous acquired taste of royalty.
black man, he should have been drowned that very    Langford rang the bell for some rum, and caremorning; for as the ship was being towed by a lessly inquired of Apollo, where was the companion
steam-tug past Blackwall, Mr. Langibrd perceived  of their voyage.
some beautiful ladies, and such a time had elapsed    "O! he is far away," replied Apollo.
since he had seen an English lady (the most comely    Bright glanced at his letters, and muttered,
in the world), he was anxious to peep at them; "Faraway, the missionary's name;" and now he
but, overbalancing himself with the weight of his was convinced that it was all correct.
telescope, he slipped over the side of the vessel   The waiter re-entered with the rum in a decaninto the Thames, where he decidedly would have ter, and glass; Langford, pouring out, said, "Now,
become food for white-bait, if blacky had not my noble heart, will you have it mixed with some
jumped after him like a large Newfoundland dog, water?"
and positively saved Mr. Langford from a watery    "Tank you, no," rejoined Apollo; "me took de
grave.                                          water dis mornin'. Try de rum, now, all by'umsef."
"The brave fellow," continued Langford, "as    "It is not that I would grudge it you," said
well as myself, was completely sopped through; I Langford, "but rum is a powerfully acting spirit;
had my change of clothes at hand on board; but so, in regard to your precious health, do not take too
as I was apprehensive that Apollo might take cold  much."
after so devoted an action, I immediately made him    " Neber fear," answered Apollo, "my'pinion is,
strip, and dress himself in my silk dressing-gown, too much rum is just enuff!"
cap, trousers, and slippers, in which he came ashore.   "Mercy on us!" ejaculated Bright, "his friend
Ask him to walk in here."                      the missionary has not inculcated the principles of
The waiter went to call Apollo, and when he en- temperance in his pupil;" and he was not a little
tered, an extraordinary looking being he was. He astonished at beholding the prince swallow down,
had a shining black face, like a new iron stewpan; with apparent zest, several more glasses.
a beautiful set of grinders, perfect masters of their   Here a plain-looking man, in a dark suit of
business; and an expression of rich humor was clothes, and with a very shrewd eye, and a broadspread over the ebony countenance. He was at- brimmed hat, entered the room. He had the aptired in a showy silk dressing-gown, tied round the  pearance of foreign travel about him.
waist by a bandana handkerchief; he wore over his   "Oh! you are both here, I guess," said Mr.
black woolly head an embroidered Greek smoking- Ichabod P. Buggins (for it was the worthy spirit
cap; had white worsted stockings, and yellow mo- merchant).
rocco slippers.  These habiliments were all the    "That's the missionary," conjectured Bright;
property of Mr. Langford, whose taste, as we have and he determined to have his ears open, as to the
before hinted, was somewhat of the splendid order. mode in which he would address the prince, his
When Apollo Hyacinth came in, Langford exclaim- pupil.
ed with emotion, "My brave benefactor! how can    "What an eternal confounded smell of New
I ever repay my debt of gratitude to you?" To  England rum," remarked the venerable missionary.
which the negro replied, "Telly how, Massa Lang-   Apollo was uneasy. The Prince of Bantam whisfud, if we shipmate agen; spose I fall overboard; pered to the waiter, "Take'um dam bottle away."
well! den you jump and dive for me."-" I will, I    "What, you've been at it, have you?" said Ichwill, my generous fellow," said Langford; " that is, abod, in a peremptory tone.
if they ever catch me at sea again."  Apollo    Mr. Bright saw that his reverence was about to
grinned, and showing all the white ivory keys of rebuke his highness.
his piano-forte, replied, "Hi, hi, Massa Langfud, de   Ichabod continued. "I calculate that rum will
salt water no agree wid you; you not brought up  set you chattering; now, what's the use of all my
to de sea; though you brought up ebery ting else;-  preaching to you?"
werry bad derangement, dat."                      At the word " preaching," Bright was positively
Here Mr. Bright had walked into the Dock Hotel, assured that he was correct in his suppositions.
to make his own observations.                     Mr. Buggins fixed his eye on his highness, and
Charles Langford continued his expressions of said sharply, "Do you happen to know the reason
gratitude; "You, for your glorious and gallant why monkeys are no good?  Because they chatter
conduct, deserve to be a prince."               all day long. How many years, you dingy rascal,
Bright instantly thought to himself, "That is have you been under my paternal care?  How
the Prince of Bantam-what a picturesque cos- many larrupings have I been compelled to give
tume!"                                         you, to keep you under proper control?"
Langford said: "But for your arms, I should    Bright could not avoid thinking that the missiondecidedly have perished."                       ary was very severe on the young prince, and he
Bright's ideas quickened, "Saved him from the  recollected the treatment of the poor South Amesavages, I suppose."                           rican Indians by the Spanish Jesuits. When Mr.
"But I do not think I shall ever venture on the  Langford, seeing Apollo rather cast down, exclaimocean again," remarked Langford.                ed loudly, " Remember, sir, the noble daring of the
To which Apollo replied, "Anoder time, come person you are abusing, who possesses, I know,
oberland-dat my'wice."                         noble qualities of heart."




848                               THE TWO TOMKINSES.
On hearing this eulogium, Bright imagined it to to be very communicative, and his free negro never
be just the precise time to introduce himself; so, opened his mouth, and was particularly ill at ease,with some very queer bows, he said, smiling, " Gen- in his new clothes.
tlemen, my name is Bright —Mr. Bright-I am prin-   The tray appeared with cold fowl, wine, etc., etc.,
cipal clerk to Mr. Tomkins, merchant, of Commer- and Josiah insisted that his visitors should partake
cial Crescent, and I am sent by that highly respect- of the fare, and he poured out some port for them.
able individual to conduct you to his residence."   But he was rather astonished that Mr. Ichabod
"I had a letter of recommendation to Mr. Tom- Buggins, the jovial companion, should arise, as did
kins, Commercial Crescent, though I never saw  his negro, while he recited the longest "grace behim," replied I. P. Buggins, " and I have sent my fore meat " that he had ever heard; in fact, Josiah
letter to him."                               thought that it never would have ended. So, wink"We are quite aware of the letters, much re- ing at his supposed humorous guest, he said,
vered sir," remarked Bright. Buggins stared; but "Come, that was a tolerably long-winded one!"
was more astonished when Bright added, pointing  Faraway looked as if he found himself in very unto Apollo, " his royal highness will of course ac- godly company, but tasted the wine.
company you."                                   "Will you allow me to ask you a professional
Buggins whistled, thinking to himself, "This question, sir?" said Josiah Tomkins, smacking his
dandy clerk believes himself a wag."          lips, after sipping his glass.
Bright turned now to Apollo, who, from  the    "I am all attention, sir," meekly replied Fareffects of the rum, was holding himself steady by  away.
the back of a chair, and said, "I am quite ready,   "Well, now, give me your candid opinion; what
your highness."     ~                         do you think of our port?"
Apollo Hyacinth was half affronted. "De man    The missionary answered, "The port of London
of culler, sar, know him place in society, and be- is considered the finest in the world."
have himself'cordingly;" (and here he hiccuped in   "They put such a quantity of brandy in it, for
the clerk's countenance;) "rum  gone de wrong  the London market. Fill your glass, sir; but you
way; so when I address a gentleplum, I always never drink that wine at New York?"
(another loud hiccup) say-waiter, bring de udder   "I cannot say I ever did, sir," said Mr. Faraway.
glass of rum."                                  "Ay, you are more in the spirit way," remarked
"Well," thought Bright, "if these are the man- Josiah.
ners of the royal family of Bantam, what brutes   The missionary owned that it was the calling he
the lower orders of the natives must be."     had followed for some years past.
Mr. I. P. Buggins now shook his fellow traveller,   "Then," said Josiah with a knowing wink, "you
Langford, heartily by the hand, and told Mr. Bright must be up to a thing or two in whiskeys?"
that he was prepared to accompany him to Mr.   "I do not rightly comprehend you, Mr. Tomkins."
Tomkins's, in Commercial Crescent. He then ad-   "Why," continued Josiah, "you get through all
dressed the negro, " You keep a little distance be- your business so easily-you have no duties to care
hind, d'ye hear? for I don't fancy to be seen in the  about."
streets of a foreign and enlightened country, tram-   "Pardon me, sir," said Farwaay, somewhat dispoosing about with such a scarecrow."         composed, "that avowal would be a grievous stain
Here Bright offered his arm to his highness, who, upon my professional character; my duties have
when they got into the street, staggered as if he ever been attended to scrupulously."
had business on both sides of the way. It is but   "What! you always adhere to the customs?"
justice to say that Mr. Bright did all he could to    "No," answered the missionary, " it is my vocaingratiate himself with royalty, by pointing out the tion, gradually, if I find it possible, to alter or do
steeples of Poplar and Limehouse churches, the ro- away with the customs of the remote countries to
tunda of the Thames Tunnel, and that wonderful which I am despatched."
route through chimney-pots and beggarly bed-   " You are a fellow after my own heart," said Jochambers, the Blackwall Railway.              siah, filling Mr. Faraway's glass. "D-n all cusThe waiter of the Dock Hotel had left Mr. Fara- toms and custom-house officers.  Come, we will
way and the native of Bantam  at the door of change the subject, as I see it is unpleasant to you."
Josiah Tomkins, No. 30, Commercial Crescent, where    "The oath you uttered was objectionable, sir,"
they were admitted by a smart-looking housemaid, remarked Mr. Faraway.
and introduced into the presence of the fat and    "Oh! ha! ha! you are a capital fellow-you obflorid Josiah.                                ject to a stray d-n that slipped out accidentally,
"I received the letter of recommendation this but you don't mind doing the revenue. Change
morning, and am happy to see you; are you going the subject. My correspondent informed me, in
to make a long stay in London?"              the letter you sent this morning, that both you and
Mr. Faraway replied that his stay entirely de- your free negro yonder (who don't take to his wine,
pended on the Colonial Missionary Society.    perhaps he would like some grog better) were de"Oh, do business with them, eh? Well, it is all vilish funny chaps, if you could be drawn out; but
right, they must eat and drink too, like other peo- you are both corked up very close indeed. Shall
pie. Perhaps you would like your young black we have a bowl of punch? Ay-and " —(here Jofellow to go down in the kitchen?"           siah winked wickedly)-" ha! ha! ha! I must in-Mr. Faraway appeared surprised, but stated  sist on it."
merely that the young man was his constant com-   "Insist on what, sir?" asked Mr. Faraway gravely.
panion.                                         Josiah Tomkins poked the missionary in the ribs,
Josiah now rung for the luncheon-tray, being of and chuckled out, "Tip us the story of the Mulatto
opinion that eating and drinking go a great way to  wench."
fill up gaps not only in the stomach, but in conver-   Faraway was aghast.
sation, for Mr. Ichabod P. Buggins did not appear   "Capital face for it," continued Josiah, "you




THE TWO TOMKINSES.                                     849
know you can be a comical old cock when you like hope of exciting the good opinion of the expected
it. Why, my dear fellow, your introductory letter missionary, she had spread her tracts, with the
says so."                                       most alluring titles, on the table and sofa. At
The missionary was much excited, and said, 6' I length, Bright tapped at the door, and said that the
beg to state, sir, that I have ever endeavored to set Prince of Bantam and the Rev. Mr. Faraway were
a straight example. This young person, who has in the parlor.  Mr. Jonas Tomkins was sent for
accompanied me to Europe, and whose moral charac- from the counting-house.
ter will bear the strictest investigation, looks up to    "Well, Bright, what sort of people are they?me for precept. In former days, the calling I fol- the prince?"
low was at first undertaken in a barbarous.spirit."  Bright replied, "Rummy!"
"Peach brandy?" inquired Josiah.               "Rummy?"
"Hear me, sir," continued Faraway. "But now,   "Werry," said Bright.
owing to the cordial co-operation of a large class   "And Mr. Faraway, the missionary?" said Mrs.
of my countrymen, numerous formidable impedi- Tomkins.
ments have been removed; an entrance and loca-   "Ah!" cried Bright, "that proves what a edition among strange nations have been effected; we cated mind is over uncultiwated ignorance. Aleverywhere find brethren to welcome us. We have though the prince is a prince, his reverence, the
given the heathen nearly all the useful literature we missionary orders him about like bricks."
possess; we have been the introducers of the art   "Indeed!"
of printing amongst them. In some places, the en-   "And I don't wonder at it, for his royal hightire fabric of idolatry is shaken, and the blessings of ness drinks rum like a fish."
Christian morality have been widely diffused."    " How disappointed I am," said Tomkins.  " But
Josiah stared, but said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. you had better introduce them at once."
Buggins, but I have been very much deceived in   So Mr. Bright went down, and begged the paryou."                                          ties to walk up stairs into the drawing-room.
" BUGGINS, sir?" repeated the missionary.    When they entered, Bright attempted a very cere"Yes, Buggins; Ichabod P. Buggins. Look at monious introduction; "Mrs. Tomkins, I have the
this letter."                                   honor. Gentlemen, that is Mrs. Tomkins, and that
And here stopped the equivoque; a mistake had  is Mr. Tomkins."
evidently occurred, but Mr. Faraway was at a loss   Jonas, advancing to Ichabod, said, " I am proud,
to account for it, until Josiah said that, "Perhaps reverend sir, to take you by the hand, and your
it was the other Tomkins in Commercial Crescent, young friend."
at No. 20, that you were to visit. Are you not   I. P. Buggins interfered, and remarked that Mr.
from New York, sir?"                            Tomkins need not exactly shake hands with the
" No, sir; I arrived to-day, in the Illustrious, black, as it was not the custom in their part of the
from Batavia."                                  globe.  "Besides," added Ichabod, with an odd
" Then," said Josiah, (" where the deuce are my twist of his face, " they perspire marking-ink."
guests; perhaps at Jonas Tomkins's? What a bit   So Jonas and Mrs. Tomkins saluted his highness
of fun! I had better go and knock at No. 20, and  with several bows and curtsies, but were utterly
take these gentlemen with me."                  astonished when the missionary said rather petuWe will now return to the dwelling of Mr. Jonas' lantly,Tomkins, where Mrs. Tomkins was waiting with   "Now, there's no needcessity to be bowing to
some curiosity the return of Mr. Bright. In the  that nigger."




850                                THIE TWO TOMKINSES.
Mrs. Tomkins could not help thinking that this Rev. Wolfe Ghoule had, by their merits, made their
was strange conduct to a prince.                way to every foreign clime.
"He knows how to conduct himself in his sta-   "Will you allow me to have a little serious contion. The critter is as cunning as Sam Slick's bear, versation with you, sir?"
and he always comes down a tree stern foremost;    "Quite ready, Marm," said Ichabod. " It's no use
he's aware how many pounds his hams weigh, and  to have the chalks without you can keep the tallies."
he calculates if he carried'em up in the air, they    Mrs. Tomkins thought this was a strange phrase
might be too heavy with him."                   for a divine, but continued: "My husband is ra"Berry true, berry true. Hi! hi! hi!" grinned  ther of a convivial nature."
Apollo.'" Ay, ay," said Buggins, "then let him deal with
"Hold your black tongue," said his reverence.   me."
Mr. and Mrs. Jonas Tomkins stared at each    " That is just what I want him to do," replied the
other in evident distress. Mrs. Tomkins, in an en- lady. "In truth, I am sorry to say it, but Mr.
deavor to turn the conversation, inquired if they  Tomkins never thinks of his end."
had experienced an agreeable passage.             "That's a bad beginning," said Ichabod.
"Bv no manner of means," replied the mission-   "I am aware," remarked Mrs. Tomkins, "that
ary; " three parts across, the wind was enough to  gentlemen of your calling are models of temperance."
blow the devil's horns off."                      Buggins nodded his head, but imagined that was
Mrs. Tomkins started with horror, and she ejacu- not the case with wine and spirit merchants in
lated, "I declare I thought that missionaries were general; in fact, he knew several who swallowed
always of a mild character?"  To which Ichabod  all their profits.
answered, "I've generally heerd that they are; but   Mrs. Tomkins then said, " If you would be induced
I see no reason why I should be so."           to quit the dinner-table, as you do not care about
Jonas reflected how an absence from the society  wine" (Ichabod grimaced), "and indulge me with
of one's native land may pervert even a missionary; some of your serious discourse over a cup of tea"
the trio continued conversing; Mr. and Mrs. Tom- (Ichabod made another wry face), "it might, sir,
kins quite embarrassed by the replies of Ichabod, satisfy my doubts."
who wondered what it all meant.                   "As to that, Marm," replied Buggins, "people
Mr. Bright finding himself, as he expressed it, doubts so now, I don't doubt but, some day or other,
"Nothing and nobody," and entirely disapproving  they will doubt whether every thing ain't a doubt."
of the missionary's doctrine, determined to ex-   (Buggins had read this elegant aphorism in Sam
change a few words with his royal pupil, who was Slick.)
seated near the door, pressing his black puddings   Mrs. Tomkins said, " I confess myself quite unof fingers against his forehead.                settled in my mind, and I should wish to benefit by
Bright approached him, bowing: "Pray, your your matured opinion. Might I ask-would you
highness, may I ask you a question?"          favor me with a sight of your articles?"
Apollo gazed at him with a stupidly drunken    "My articles, Marm," replied Ichabod, "by all
eye.                                            means, with the greatest pleasure;" and he fumbled
Bright continued: "It is a question on which I about for a well-worn pocket-book, from which he
am anxious to be correctly informed. Do all our pulled out a printed paper; this he handed to Mrs.
little Bantam cocks come from Bantam?"         Tomkins, who was in a state of excitement of pious
"How de debble should I know," was the ele- curiosity, but imagine her astonishment when the
gant reply of his highness.                    following list met her eye:Mr. Bright pitied the ignorance of a prince of the
blood, who was not acquainted with his own com-         "WINE AND SPIRIT STORE,
mercial exports.                                              "61, COMMON STREET, BOSTON, 61.
"What hour'um  hab dinner?" inquired the    "ICHABOD P. BUGGINS warrants all ARTICLES deliprince languidly.                               vered from his store genuine as imported, at the fol"Five o'clock," said Bright.                 lowing LOW PRICES (English currency):Apollo touched his stomach, and then replaced      "Champagnes, from 60 to 66.
his ball of worsted in his palm.                     " Clarets (first growth) 48 to 54.
Mrs. Tomkins, now taking Jonas aside, whisper-     "Prime East India Madeira, 56 to 64.
ed, "What could your Batavian correspondents         "Hodsouinnes's PaDublein Stout } Quarts, 8.
mean by writing about his agreeable manners and    "Brandies, Rums, Whiskeys, Gins (No. 1, Letter A).
mild deportment?"                                " NOTA BENE.-Bottles, jars, and hampers to be re" I suppose the torrid climate has heated all their turned."
brains," replied Jonas.
Mrs. Tomkins then whispered again, emphatical-   Mrs. Tomkins dropped the articles, and she might
ly, "I shall speak to the missionary mysef."    have been knocked down with a straw.
"Do, dear."                                    A loud rapping at the street door, and Mr. JoMrs. Tomkins then approached Ichabod, and  siah Tomkins sent up his card; he was accompaasked him if he was acquainted with the Rev. Wolfe  nied by Mr. Faraway and the Prince of Bantam. A
Ghoule. She received a reply in the negative; when long explanation of the absurd mistake took place,
she stated that he was author of several of the  and, as dinner was ready, Jonas Tomkins begged
excellent works on the table-" TIGHT STAYS FOR that the whole party would favor him with their
SHORT-BREATHED SINNERS," "THE LUXURY OF PE- company, which invitation was accepted, Apollo
NITENT TEARS," "STONY HEARTS SPLIT," "THE  Hyacinth being consigned to the care of Benjamin
PREACHER OF ALL-WORK."                          at the kitchen fire.
Mr. Buggins replied that he never read any thing    The result was a merry afternoon; the only
of the sort. At this candid reply Mrs. Tomkins was really long face in company being that of poor
surprised, fancying that the lucubrations of the  Bright.




THE THEATRICAL MANAGER.                                      851
THE THEATRICAL MANAGER.
BY RICHARD BRINSLEY PEAKE.
How little do various grades of the public dream   with letters, and the daily papers. Peep at super(whether seated aristocratically and in perfect com- scriptions of the letters, to guess whether or not
fort in private boxes, respectably and equally cornm- they may be disagreeable; endeavor to open that
fortable in the public boxes, conveniently in the  likely to be least offensive first.  D-n the fiddling
pit, or most commodiously in the gallery, where  and the stamping-but they are unavoidable; and
gentlemen may sit with their coats off, if they like  read Note, No. 1:it) of the toil, care, misery, and vicissitude, of the
caterer for their pleasure.  Like other masters of    MY DEAR SIR-On my return home yesterday, I canstages, it may be said "it is all in the day's work; " not conceal my surprise and mortification on finding
but th be TheatricalStageDirectorhast work; by...that the part of Lady Anne has been sent to me. There
but the Theatrical Stage Director has to work by  must surely be some mistake, as it was expressly stipnight as well as by day; when other professions ulated in my engagement that the Queen is my proare seated quietly in their homes for the evening, perty. If any other lady in the theatre had been cast
then commences the most anxious and active busi- for the Queen but the one that has been so favored, I
ness of the Manager. His domestic comforts are  might not have felt the insult so deeply; but, believe
sadly invaded; and when once engaged in the avo- me, I never will play second to Miss, who has
cations of a theatre, the enjoyment of an hour's throughout her theatrical career, endeavored assidease must not confidently be relied on.  We will uously to blight my prospects, and mar my success
ease.         with the public; to the favor of which public I ever
first enumerate the imperative qualities which the  look forward with anxious pride, knowing that on
Manager of a Theatre ought to possess; and we de- their kind support I am to rest my professional weltail them without exaggeration.                   fare. You are at liberty to make this letter public, if
His temper must be as equally mixed as a bowl you please. I have, therefore, sent the part of Lady
of punch; but that is only a simple comparison. Anne back, and shall in justice expect to perform the
We must go to actual contradistinctions, to enable  Queen.
I am, my dear sir, yours most sincerely,
him to have a chance to pursue his course.                                               *  * *
He must be firm, yet supple; bold, yet cautious;   P. S.-The man omitted to leave the play-bills at
liberal, yet sparing; he must possess penetration, my lodgings this morning: but it is the way I am
yet see no further than is necessary. Whether he  generally used in this world,
is asleep or not, he must always be wide awake.
He should be a man of education, and be able to cal-ady Anne. Very
culate tenpenny nails; he should know Shakspere  well, I will make her go on for the Duchess of York,
and the " Trader's Price Book" by heart. He should and that will bring the lady to her senses. Read
be accomplished as a painter, a musician, and an  Note, No. 2:
author; and yet he must have achieved that point   DEAR-.   At your request I have read Mr.
of knowledge of being able to tell how many tal- Drudge's farce. It has some capital situations, and is
low candles go to the pound, and how far that throughout full of fun; it is also very original. But I
pound will go. His tact must be divided between  think that the author has committed an error, in imjudgment in the decision of dramas to be accepted, agining for one moment that I would play the partyou
and Birmingham ornaments; the merits of actors, have named that he intended for me. You are perand cotton velvets; the favorable notice of the  fectly well aware that, as I stand with the public, I
must be the feature.  Now, there are several other
a...press, and the foil-merchant's.t.  He mt prominent and good arts in the farce, which would
have a pretty notion of tailoring, ladies' dress-mak-  materiall   d  eteriorate from my "eculiar ffcts." If
materially deteriorate from my "peculiar effects." If
ing, and the armory; in short he must be a facto- Mr. Drudge will, however, take the farce back again,
tum.                                              and cut these other characters down to ribbons, I have
We will endeavor rapidly to sketch his duties; no objection to look at it once more, and see what can
in fact, as if the manager himself had kept a jour- be done. It is in my engagement to decline any thing
nal:-                                             which I think will not contribute to my advantage;
" Arrived at the theatre at ten o'clock; not late, and you know I am inflexible on that point.
ceuntil half-past one thi.s  *Is it true, that we all played to less than forty
considering I was here until half-past one this  pounds, first and second price, last night? If so,
morning.  Look at rehearsal-call, stuck up in the  heaven help you.
passage:' New ballet at ten: every body concerned                  Yours always, faithfully,
-properties, scenes, firework-maker, Mr. Pringle,                                   *  *  * *
r6petiteur.'                                        " Open Note, No. 3 (anonymous, enclosing a tick"Very wet day. All the ladies of the corps de  et):.
ballet, including the coryph6es, assembled with their
hair in papers, looking like ghosts with bad colds,   SI —If you will take the trouble to go, or send
being kept up so late every night in the frost scene  somebody on whose judgment you can depend, on
in, t. p e   S g ad   Thursday next, to Mr. Pym's private theatre, in Wilin the pantomime. Sneezing and low grumbling in  son street, Gray's Inn Lane, I think you would be
all directions; each person attending literally to the  much gratified with the performance of a young genwords of the call; every body looking'concerned.' tleman who will act Barbarossa on that night. His
" Groupings commence to a single violin, and the  friends impartially think his talents superior to any
loud thumping of the ballet-master's stick to keep  one at present on the stage, Macready or Kean excepttime. Most of the sylphs and fairies rehearsing in  ed he is cleverer than Warde or Phelps, and has got
their street-clogs, some with umbrellas. Go to my  a much louder voice than thate Mr. Pope. There is
a  only one drawback (and that might not be particular)
room  adjoining the stage, the chimney of which  to his becoming a first-rate actor, and this drawback
smokes; but obliged to keep the door closed, be- is candidly pointed out to you, as you may not see itcause I hate to be overlooked. The table covered  he has a club-foot. Begins at half-past seven.




852                            THE THEATRICAL MANAGER.
"'You are quite right, my friend; I certainly       THEATRE.-Another triumphant instance of
shall not see it.'                              deserved success was last night achieved by the man" (A knock at the door:)' Come in. What is it'?' agement of this theatre; in fact, we do not remember' Can you see Mr. Fatton?'' What Mr. Fatton, at any period being wrore gratified, we may almost say
~Can you see Mr. Fatton' What  Mr. Fatton 9,''The master of the supernumeraries.''Send him in.                  hiectrified, with admiration of the gorgeous efnects
which have never been surpassed evenlin this notoNow Fatton, what is the matter?  Make haste, for riously splendid establishment. The appointments
I am busy.''Sir, there's a strike with the children  were of the most picturesque order, and reflect the
in the theatre.''So there ought to be, Mr. Fat- highest credit on the tact, industry, and stage knowlton, if you did your duty properly, and kept a edge of Mr. -, who, it must be confessed, on these
birch rod.''Yes, sir; but all their fathers and  occasions is never at fault. The scenery, from the
mothers come on me, and  threaten  to punch my  magic pencil of -, was marvellously illusive: the
thead; now you know it is not my fault.'' Well  performers exerted themselves energetically and sucA 1d; now you knw v t *1  At -y fAult. s   * *  cessfully, and there was a long continued call for the
what is this strike, as you call it?''The girls who  author at the fall of the curtain, who, however, had
are to fly in the new ballet won't have the wires af- the good taste not to appear. This drama will unfixed to them, unless they are raised to eighteen- doubtedly, have a good run, and must attract large
pence a night: their mothers won't let them endan- half-prices.
ger their lives under that sum!  Now, sir, we    "'What is this?  A three-cornered, perfumed
should be in a great scrape at night, if this were to
happen; worse than they were in at the other billet.''Yes, sir; anda Frenchman is waiting for
house, with the boys in the storm.''What was an answer to it.'
that, Fatton?''Didn't you hear'that, sir?  Oh;                Hotel Sabloniere Lestere-squar
there were sixty boys, who stood on the stage underre Lestere-squar
a very large canvas, painted to represent the sea.   Madlle. Augustine Entrechat present she complement at Mr., and has the honneur to inform that
Now these boys were placed alternately, and were ment at Mr. -, and has the honneur to inform tat.se a.dfalirsga l anelle arrive in Londres las night, to fulfil son engageto rise and fall, first gradually and then violently, ment. She could feel much gratifie if Mr.    will
to represent the motion of the waves in a storm; send her 2,500 francs by de messinger, as she has to
and in the first three nights of the piece it had a envoyer to the Douane for the pack cases containin
powerful effect; but, after that, the manager re- her superb costume and garderobes. Madlle. Augusduced the water-rate, that is to say, he lowered the  tine Entrechat give notice to Mr.   that she cannot
salary -of each wave to sixpence per night;.  The  consent to appeer at the spectacle untilshe receive
2,500 francs.
boys took their places under the canvas sea; and                   Monsieur, je vous sau
when the prompter gave the signalfor the storm,                          AUGUSTINE j TRECsAT.
the water was stagnant-instead of the ship striking, -it was the waves that struck. The sub-manager,   "'Plague take the extortion of the foreigners.
in a fury, inquired the cause; when the principal Never mind, the blessed English will wait; must
billow said, "We won't move a peg unless you pay  pay her, or she will not dance, and she is announced.
us a shilling a night, for it wears out our corduroys Where's the cheque-book?  That's the way the
So."' Gad, I think that must have been the deep, money goes-takes French leave!'
deep sea! Well, promise the girls the eighteenpence; but I will be even with them, I will keep             Enter Stage Manager.
them dangling in the sky-borders in a thorough
draught allthe night. Tell them so.'-(Exit Fatton.)    "'What is the matter now? you look quite
"Take up newspaper; look to article under the  alarmed; what mare's nest have you turned up.
head of'THE DRAMA.'   Something agreeable, I Sit down; whatever it is, take it coolly, man.'
dare say.' —(Reads.)' Mrs. --    cannot sing to-night!'-' The devil she
cannot, what ails her?''I don't know! there's an
-  TEATRE —If we condescend to call the atten- official note from her husband, and we shall have
tion of the public to the management, or rather mis- to change  performances.'
management of this theatre, it is only to express our
utter contempt of the system at this period in operation. Does Mr. -    imagine that such miserable trash    DEAR SIR-When Mrs. -  came home last night,
as thatwhich was presented within these classic walls she was attacked with spasms, and has been exceslast night, can possibly attract an audience possessed sively unwell. She tells me, it will be impossible for
of common sense? No;'reform it altogether.' The her to perform this evening; so I give you timely noplot of the new piece brought forward was so confused tice that you may substitute something else. If you
and inextricable, that we will not attempt to detail should require a medical certificate, our professional
it to our readers: the whole affair was insufferably  attendant shall forward you one.
dull, and was deservedly condemned.                           Yours ever, and very sorry for it,
To --  Esq., Stage Manager,    * * 
"'Bravo!'(Rings bell.)' Send the free-list clerk  -  Theatre.
to me. I rather think that the critic who wrote
this precious paragraph was absent from the per-   "'But I see through it all; she does not like her
formance.  Pray, did the * * * * card come in  part in the new piece; and this is the second night
last night?''No sir.''Was Mr. * * * * here?  of it too; and I have laid out 1,0001. in getting it
You can tell by the signature on your book.''No, up; and because the tenor has the best part, she
sir.''He is too good a judge to pay.''There was has put her monkey up. But I will not be so treatno one from that paper last night, sir.''I thought ed. She cocked up her nose at the music from the
so; that will do.'                              first rehearsal.  "My compliments to Mr., and
"'This is a bitter notice: here is a better in the  I do require a medical certificate."  What is to be
* * *. Ay, ay, this will balance the last; and  done? don't all speak at once.'
then the immense difference of the circulation of'Can Miss --  be ready in the part by night?'
the journal-double-two to one.' —(Reads para- -'No, nor by this night three weeks.''Perhaps
graph.)                                         Miss -  might try it?'-' Bless your heart, no; she




THE UNLUCKY PUPPY.                                      8'3
is over head and ears in love, and cannot get a been written by Mrs. -'s husband, to the doctor;
word perfect. Never knows a line of any thing; and he had I presume dropped it by accident; so I
she hardly remembers to come to the treasury for took the liberty to glance my eye over it. And
her salary, on Saturday morning.''It is rare to  here it is.'
find such remissness.'-' What do you think of Mrs.
-  getting through it, without the music?'-' I   DEAR TWADDLE-Write me a certificate that Mrs.
should as soon think of a water-butt getting through   is too unwell to act to-night. The Manager has
it.'' Something must be done.'-' I am glad you forced her into one of the muff parts again, which will
4V t            g    o really injure her with the public. I assure you she is
have come to that conclusion.''Oh! here is the  quite feverish enough for you safely to write the cermedical certificate, all ready cut and dried, I see; tificate; for what with something that has disagreed
the old story [reads]:-                        with her, and the confounded passion she has been in,
she will do you no discredit. Do you want our orders
I hereby certify that Mrs. -- is laboring under se- for any night this week? if so, say. Regards to
vere hoarseness and oppression of the chest-    Mrs. T.
"She thinks nothing of my chest! I don't wonder                                 Yours ever,
To Mr. Twaddle, Apothecary.,  ~ 
at her oppression of the chest. -     supped with
the family after last night's performance, and he    P. S.-Hoarseness and sore throat is the go.
told me, she ate half a duck, a salad, some stewed    "' Bravo, bravo! excellent.''So I thought I
oysters, and a slice of cake, and drank bottled por- would just show the lady that I had this interesting
ter, besides the punch!" [reads]                letter of her husband, which I also told her I should
carry to you. She jumped up, like a parched pea,
She is under extreme excitement; and I do nothonor that I would not lead
think it safe to advise that she should leave her house, and made me pledge my honor that I would not lead
to attend her professional duties, this evening.  her into such a dilemma, and that she would endeavor to get out, even at the risk of her precious life,
(signed)   J. W. TWADDLE.   and crawl into a coach, supported by pillows, and
I cannot alter the performances; the box-book is come down and perform; but that there must be a
better taken than usual. Be so kind, my dear —, line in the play-bill of the night, announcing to the
as just to step up to their house, and see if she is public her severe indisposition; and that she must
really ill, or only shamming. Tell her she must leave out all the music, and not to have to change
come out to night: coax her, flatter her, any thing; her dress. In short, I promised every thing-and
tell her she looks too pretty to be an invalid! Say she will be here.'' We must give her the line in the
I am in a state bordering on mental derangement, bills, for our own sake. Send to the printer.'
and that the whole fate of the season depends on    " Where is the bed of roses on which I imagined
the run of the new piece! Stay, tell her the Queen I should recline?"
is coming expressly to hear her sing, and a royal   "But my dear fellow, are you not going home to
command must be obeyed. Run all the way.        your dinner?"-' Isn't this enough to take away all
*      *      *       *      *       *      appetite for a dinner! besides, to-morrow is Satur"'But here is     come back. Now, have you day; and I must inspect and sign every one of these
succeeded in persuading her to appear?''I had for payment.''What is that mass of papers?'not-and yet I have.''How did you manage it,'Merely the weekly outlay, to be settled at the treasmy good fellow?''Quite by accident. I went up ury to-morrow; only the salaries of the companyto her bedside and used every entreaty. She cer- the band, the chorus, dancers, painters, propertytainly did look rather unwell.'' So would any body, makers, wardrobes, dressers, housekeeper, cleaners,
after swallowing such a supper.''She told me in watchmen, firemen, carpenters, copyists, soldiers,
a low voice, that if she was an angel from heaven, supernumeraries, children, bill deliverers, lampmen,
she could not sing to-night; that it was barbarous gas-lighters, printer, advertisements, candles, oil,
and unjust to require it; that it would endanger hair-dressers, military band, licenses, ironmongery,
her very life; that her medical attendant had just turnery, basket-work, colors, music paper, stationquitted the room, and told her so; in short, and she ery, tinman, florist, drapery, hosiery, timber, lacespoke much louder, that she would not come out to  man, ropes, canvas, brushes, authors, and law exsave you and the whole theatre from destruction!' penses, box-keepers, money-takers, cheque-takers,'Then how- did you persuade her?'' You shall hear; candle-stickers, police, call-boy, and coal-porter,
just where the doctor had been sitting, I saw a besides a portion of nondescripts which cannot possmall note on the floor, so I quietly picked it up, sibly be imagined any where else than behind the
and to my infinite satisfaction found that it had curtain of a theatre!"'
THE UNLUCKY PUPPY.
FROM "DOGS' TALES."  BY RICHARD BRINSLEY PEAKE.
MY mother was a pointer bitch, coal-black and    I had four brothers and sisters of various difcomely; I never knew my male parent, but I have  ferent sizes, but I was the only one of my family
some notion that he followed the profession of a that in the least resembled my mother; and I soon
shepberd's cur; and his humble but enamored ad- missed all my little round woolly misshapen comdresses were accepted by the pointress, seeing that panions, and never to any certainty ascertained
she could not well avoid them, as she wore a hand- their fate; only being a shrewd dog, I conjectured
some chain round her accurately proportioned neck, that the master of these puppies, having a decided
with the other end of which she was attached to  detestation of hydrophobia, determined on accusher domicile, a neat cottage-formed residence, called  toming these animals, early in life, to taking water,
a kennel.                                       and in doing so, drowned them.
55




854                               THE UNLUCKY PUPPY.
My mother being well fed, I was soon in a thriv- and being aware that I was about to have a run
ing condition, and grew apace: I have little further across the fields.
recollection of this happy period of my life, than    Notwithstanding the rebuffs and beatings I had
that I was always hungry, that my mouth watered  endured, I followed my master with sincere pleaseverlastingly, and that I had acquired a habit of ure; but being unused to go out with any one, it
gnawing every thing that came in my way, even to  happened that he was always stumbling over me,
my mother's tail, who used by an angry growl to  treading on my paws, or kicking me out of the
resent this unwarrantable liberty from a child to its way. When we got into a field, I saw for the first
parent.                                        time in my life a cow, with her calf. I own I was
My first disgrace was occasioned by my master's rather frightened at so large an animal as the cow
man of all work, Joe Banger, having left a pair of appeared to me; but thinking that the calf was a
leather inexpressibles, which he had most charm- mild looking little buffer, I went up to have some
ingly clean-balled, until they were of a perfect bat- fun with it; when somehow or other, the cow got
ter-pudding color, on the steps in the stable; he her horns under my ribs, and I soon felt myself
had been employed on them for four hours at least, flying in the air like a bird, only I came down at
and master was going out next day with Mr. Con- some distance, heavily on my back: I got up and
yers's hounds. These leathers looked so inviting, shook myself. Turning round to have another look
that I could not resist ascending the steps and  at the calf, I saw the cow coming at a canter again
dragging them down; when I lugged them into a after me, flourishing her tail in all directions; so I
dark corner of the stable, under a manger, and en- prudently wriggled myself under a fence, out of her
joyed myself by shaking them well, and biting a reach.
number of holes all over them.                    I perceived that my master admired my ingenuity,
I never had such fun in my life; but I do not for he smiled. After a couple of hours' run, during
think that either Joe Banger or master enjoyed the  which I caught a butterfly, and fell into a muddy
joke at all, for when the breeches were missed, ditch, we arrived at the stream where the angling
there was a great outcry as to where they could  was to be commenced, and my master with great
have possibly vanished; so I looked up at Joe with  patience unpacked his tackle; but nothing could
a knowing and glistening eye, and barked as loud  induce me to keep at a sufficient distance from the
as I could, and wagged my tail, until I at last had  water, but another flogging with the rod.
the good fortune to attract his attention to the spot   My master then baited his line with some oxwhere I had so ingeniously nibbled the leather; brains he had brought in a tinpot with him, and
whereupon Joe seized me by the ear, and with a started off on his pastime, ever and anon favoring
whip gave me such a lashing and larupping, that to  me with a menacing look, if I gave the slightest inthis very day I have not forgotten it. I winced: I dication of following him.
shrieked: I howled: even the horses turned their   A turn in the river took him out of sight, behind
heads from their racks to see what was the matter. a plantation of osiers, when observing that he had
The noise I made brought our master into the yard, left the pot of brains on the bank, and that the
who, upon hearing the calamity that had befallen  flies were beginning to buzz and hover over it, I
him, ordered Joe Banger to recommence the flog- went to drive them away, and unluckily smelt the
ging. Oh! well did he deserve the name of Banger. bait; in two seconds, the whole of it was licked up
My mother crept into her kennel, shaking with  and swallowed.
fear, but occasionally peeping out with some anxiety,   Presently, I saw my master returning: he had
whether for the terrible correction of her dear little walked nine miles, there was no possibility of prodoggy, or having some remote notion that she was curing more bait, he had no brains, and he had
going to be soundly chastised herself.         nine miles to go home again: his time and his sport
Then I was tied up by the throat, and not pro- lost; and all through me, accursed, unlucky puppy!
perly understanding the nature of the fastening, I He resolved to shoot me.
nearly choked myself forty times in an hour.      Sulkily, he put up his angling apparatus, and reThis event gave Ihe the character of an unlucky  turned towards his domicile by a different route,
-young dog: and the next affair that happened  for the purpose of procuring some bread and cheese
proved that I was one; for, one morning early, and ale.
when the poultry were wandering and picking about   He accordingly entered a small inn, and called
the yard, my tender mother made a sudden snatch  for what he wanted, and was served in a very dilaat a fine old cock, and pulled his tail right out; the  tory manner by a red-haired, blowsy female, who
cock escaped with the loss of his semi-circular seemed distressed by having too much to do.
plumes, some of which most unluckily were blown    I scented something in the house of exquisite
across the yard to the corner where I was tied up; savor, which proved to proceed from a dinner of
when, as usual, in my simplicity, I began to play  the parish officers of Great Framingham, who had
with and nibble them, considering a feather a mere met to arrange their accounts and affairs, and to fix
trifle; when Joe, coming down from the loft in the day for the next feast, as well as to settle a very
which he slept, saw the cock looking like a mon- considerable diminution of the allowance of food
strous fool without his tail, and he also beheld un- and clothing to the paupers, in conjunction with a
lucky me in the act of gnawing a portion of it. rise of the poor's rate, to meet the tavern bills.
Out came the fatal whip again, and Mr. Banker ope- These worthy functionaries had dispatched a subrated on me more lustily than he did before.   stantial repast, at which a turbot from Billingsgate
This was barely forgot, when my master, who  had assisted; and were now taking their wine and
was going to take a walk of some nine miles for the  punch, while deeply deploring the severity of the
purpose of angling for chub, determined that I times.
should accompany him, that he might see what I   I saw my master munching his bread and cheese
was made of. Never shall I forget my delight in  moodily; he was too savage at my conduct to deign
having that horrible halter removed from my throat, to throw me a crumb: so, finding that he was not




THE UNLUCKY PUPPY.                                    855
communicative, I took the earliest opportunity of colonies on the western outskirts of London, and
wandering out of the room.                     who asked the assistance of my master to procure
In the passage, on a wooden bench, stood a pile him a yard dog.
of about three dozen dirty plates, placed on each    Thus was I reprieved; the size of my bony paws,
other, that certainly had been very incautiously de- and the width of my jaws, denoted, for I had not
posited there; for on the bottom plate but two, done growing, that I should be a large dog.
was the picked drum-stick of a fowl, which put the    So the next morning I was to be tied under the
whole quantity of crockery rather out of proper wagon of the Hatfield Broadoak carrier, and thus
equilibrium.                                   to be conducted on my way to my new place. The
I had not partaken of any thing since the brains. journey to town under a wagon is extremely irkThe leg of the fowl was extended from the plates some; I wanted to run after the birds, but I only
most temptingly, and I made a snap at it, pulling it knocked my nose against the revolving wheel; the
away-it was mine, but what was the consequence? road was very dusty, and I had the advantage of
down came the three dozen plates off the bench  the scrapings of the heavy hoofs of four horses
sent constantly into my eyes; if I paused for a moment to avoid it, I endured a pull at the neck,
which I verily thought would take my head out by
the roots. A flock of sheep met the wagon, which
was then stopped by the driver, and I had to bear
with the affrighted hustle of some hundred and
fifty of these woolly creatures, when presently the
drover's dog, who had the charge of them, sprung
upon me, turned me over on my back, and bit me
through the ancle.
At length, after a wearisome journey, I was un1 W @,                /iX % ////0ityl }   tied from the cart at an inn in Bishopsgate street,
and was not a little surprised at the appearance of
the vast metropolis: here I found that I was to be
received by my new master, who was a sharp looking little man, suffering from some nervous affection,
l   for he winked his eyes, and gave a sniff with his
nose, several times in a minute. He paid the driver
for my carriage, such as it was, and humanely gave
me a drink of water from a stable pail: he then led
me out of the yard with the same chain and strap
with which I had been decorated for my travels, and
-+S~ \-z   a            | ^ Uwe proceeded together for a short time with mutual
regard. Presently, I discovered that I was the,~     -.                                   stronger animal of the two. He looked at me, as
-as  )j_    X F't 9     +       imuch as to say, "You have the advantage of nle,"
-<- Go  G o    \g<N       which I returned with a glance, "I intend to keep
it;" and I shortly put this principle in action; for,
passing a butcher's shop, I raised myself on my
smash on the tiled floor. I never heard such a hinder legs, attracted by an agreeable scent; I
clatter in my born days, so I involuntarily dropped  snapped at a veal sweet-bread, and swallowed it almy tail between my legs, and scampered off with  most whole. The butcher came out, and demanded
the bone.                                      the value of the article; and it was not until my
"Whose cursed, dog is that?" bawled the red- master was threatened with the introduction to a
haired waitress; "Drat the dog, whose is it?" no  "P No. 158," that he could be induced to pay
reply: "There's at least five and thirty shillings' eighteen pence for my slight repast.
worth of plates broken all to pieces."           After a fidgety walk, we at length arrived at the
At last, it occurred to the landlord to ask the  villa residence of the family, where I was introduced
gentleman who had the bread and cheese in the  to the yard; and was almost immediately, through
parlor, " if the dog was his'n?" My master, who the kindness of the lady of the house, accommodated
had overheard the whole affair, thought it politic to  with some mutton-chop bones, and a lump of outdisown me.                                    side rind of bacon, full of black bristles.
Oh! how I enjoyed that fowl's bone-how sweet   " This is a place after my own heart," thought I;
was the marrow; but alas! how soon it all vanish-  " it will be my own fault if I am not comfortable."
ed; I wished that fowls had as many legs as spiders.   The name of my new, nervous master, was PenBut now I perceived my master trudging home- nyfeather: both he and his amiable spouse imagined
wards, so I ran after him; as I passed the public by my appearance, and what I was likely to behouse, the blowsy maid set up an outcry agailrt come, that they had been fortunate in popping on
me; a shower of stones quickly followed me, and a an eligible yard-dog; but nous verrons, as I once
brute of a blacksmith threw his hammer at my car- heard a French puppy say.
case so dextrously, that the heavy blow knocked    After I had been domiciled for a week, I was
me over and over. I however contrived to hobble voted, not only by every member of the family, but
home after my master, on three legs.           by the neighboring inhabitants, as a thorough nuiMy master was, I think, deciding upon my fate, sance; for whether I fancied I was learning to sing,
whether I was to be hanged, shot, or to take a little  or whether it proceeded from habit, I howled long
Prussic acid; when a letter arrived from a friend  and dismally, daily, at daybreak. A gentleman
who had taken a cottage in one of the numberless next door, who had invalids in his house, called and




856                               THE UNLUCKY PUPPY.
remonstrated, that for seven mornings his family had  Mr. Pennyfeather for the sum of seven shillings and
been deprived of sleep, and suggested that it would  eight pence, for the milk I had overturned and deprobably prevent my vocal efforts if I was let loose. stroyed.
Mr. Pennyfeather, who had been equally annoyed,   Peter Pennyfeather called a cabinet council with
was ready to adopt any plan to keep me quiet; he his better half and family, and it was unanimously
accordingly released me from my strap and chain, agreed that I was to be got rid of-then was defor which I was so grateful that I scratched his vel- bated the how, or when. It was thus decided.
vet waistcoat all to pieces, and tore his eye glass   The butcher's boy knew another boy, who was
from his neck. He let me out at the gate into the  accquainted with a man who was looking out for a
road, where I amused myself for some time walking  yard-dog at Richmond. This was enough; at seven
behind a policeman, who wondered what I wanted. o'clock at night the butcher took a half crown in
I then saw three boys in paper caps, and clothes his pocket and me in a strap. I was delivered to
spotted with colors in distemper; they looked like the man, a costermonger, who immediately put-to
merry fellows, so I thought I would go and have a valuable five-and-twentyshilling horse to his cart,
some fun with them, particularly as each of them  to the seat of which I was tied, and I had rather a
carried a large slice of bread and butter for break- jolting ride to Richmond.
fast. I soon discovered that they were young ar-   Arriving at the gentleman's house, who was looktists belonging to a paper hanging manufactory; ing out for a yard-dog, there was some demur about
they invited me into their atelier, and while one of taking me in, as it was imagined from my appearthe boys tickled my palate with small pieces of ance, that I had the distemper-and I had it sure
bread, the other ingenious artists applied their sten- enough, although I was hearty and healthy.
cil plates on each of my sides, and down my back,   Well, a bargain having been struck up, I was left
and produced, with their sized colors, a most elegant by the costermonger, and fastened to a staple in the
drawing-room pattern all over me; white ground, yard.
with roses, keeping me near the fire on which their   Now, I am a dog of steady principles, as all the
-distemper colors were warming. I soon dried into  foregoing facts must abundantly prove; and I did
a picturesque appearance; then, painting my four not cease to recollect the kindness of the Penny-legs a very light green, and covering my ears and  feather family, so I determined to make my way
tail with a coating of Dutch metal, they turned me back again. I set to work diligently to gnaw the
~ out of the manufactory. I must say that I felt my  strap through, bolted over a dwarf wall, into the
skin sticky and rather tightly drawn, and the Dutch  garden, jumped on a spring gun, which exploded
metal on my ears dazzled my eyes, but I resolved  without putting a shot in my locker, though it
to make my way home. On my way, I discovered  shattered about forty panes of glass in a newlythat I attracted considerable notice. A mrilkwoman  erected green-house; I scratched my way safely
with her pails, on seeing me, set off running as fast through a holly hedge, which took off a consideraas she could; I thought it was to entice me to fol- ble portion of my paint and gilding, and I was soon
low her, so I scampered after her. She was a little, again on the high road. As I passed the market
superstitious, Welsh  woman, and subsequently  gardeners' laborers going very early to their work,
owned that she took me for one of the devil's imps; I observed that they invariably got out of my way,
she loosened her yoke and pails as I approached  and seized the first large stone they could find..her, and dropped them. As I always had a predi-   I no sooner made my way back to Mr. Pennylection for milk, I certainly did not neglect the op- feather's door, than I thought it would be proper to
portunity of drinking to my heart's content, and  announce my return by a long melodious howl.
overturning both tin cans. I then went quietly    The butcher's boy was immediately sent for, and
back to Mr. Pennyfeather's, and sat on the steps at catechised. He swore that he put the dog in safe
the door until the family should arise.        custody on the preceding night, and promised in
One of Mr. Peter Pennyfeather's nervous pecu- the evening to come and take me away again. The
liarities was an utter dislike to have anybody staring  lad was indignant at having his honor suspected,
about his premises. I, thinking that it was growing  but secretly made up his mind to sell me to somelate, reminded Mr. Pennyfeather of the time of day  body else.
by uttering a prolonged yell; this brought the    At eight o'clock the butcher arrived, and putting
heads of the neighbors and their domestics out of on a stronger noose, he led me through the lanes to
windows and doors, and they all seemed wonderfully  Kensington, at the moment quite undecided how he
surprised at my appearance.                    should dispose of me, when chance put in his way
A crowd of work-people, going to their employ- an advantageous offer. In the High street, he overment, and a number of gaping idlers, male' and fe- heard a woman, an itinerant purveyor of dogs' and
male, now stood round Mr. Pennyfeather's door, cats' meat, bewailing that somebody had enticed
evidently delighted with the gay fancy pattern with  away the dog that had drawn her cart for three
which I was decorated; and, indeed, I looked as if years, and that the loss was irreparable to her. She
I was attired in a rich Turkey carpet, but the gold had, however, the harness and a muzzle with her,
ears and tail were the objects of general remark. and the butcher taking the lady aside, he exhibited
Pennyfeather, hearing the buzzing conversation  nme, when, after much haggling, she agreed to puroutside, to his horror, perceived that sorpe novelty  chase me for eighteen pence. In a trice, I was harhad collected a large number of spectatm in front nessed and muzzled. I felt a piece of cold rusty
of his house. I became impatient, and standing on iron stretched across my tongue, and strongly fastmy hinder legs, with my fore paws on the door, I ened to my head-gear; this was attached to a strap
by accident touched the knocker with my snout, bridle, and the lady wishing the butcher "good
which gave rise to a double rap. This feat caused night," lugged me off in triumph.
a prodigious roar of laughter from the mob.      I passed about three months in this miserable
The affair was soon buzzed about, and the dairy- state of bondage, beaten and starved; for, upon the
man who employed the Welsh milkmaid, called on  principle -of the adage,- " That the shoemaker's wife




THE UNLUCKY  PUPPY.                                    857
is the worst shod," so the cats'-meat dealer's dog  clarioneting, "The black joke," and going round
was the worst fed. I never had a morsel given to  the corner, where he knew dwelt what is called a
me that could possibly be sold.                 serious family, he would plaintively commence the
There was not the slightest increase of respect or "Evening Hymn."  Dog as I was, I scorned him.
affection between my mistress and myself.  At   My tale is coming towards an end. I had draglength, I was relieved from her tyranny. In the ged my old bagpipe of a master out of the Hyde
course of her rambles, she had formed an acquaint- Park end of London; and toiled on, he getting all
ance with a fat hoary old cripple, who at some early  the pence, I all the annoyance, until I came to the
period of life had the misfortune to lose both his corner of a well known lane, that recalled my early
legs. For many years after that, he obtained a reminiscences. He was in the middle of blowing
good income by playing on a cracked clarionet, "The blue bonnets over the border," when I was
seated in a go-cart drawn by a single dog. This seized with an irresistible desire once more to bedog could go no longer, seeing that he died; and  hold the inmates of a house wherein I had passed
the cart would not go without the dog. In brief, I some felicitous hours.
was promoted to the cart, vice Caesar deceased.   Without, therefore, caring for my driver, (who
Here, however, began new troubles. For, oh, such  by the way was drunk,) I set off at full speed down
a clarionet!                                   the lane, dragging the cart and musician behind me,
It has been asserted that dogs do not like music, and followed by a number of boys, who had surthat at certain notes many will howl. As regards rounded us, out of curiosity.
myself, I now had the opportunity of proving the    Some of the little Pennyfeathers seeing this
fact.                                           strange sight, ran in to tell their parents: and the
My present master,-oh, what an inexorable slave old lady and gentleman ventured out to the door,
driver!-I had to drag his heavy trunk, surmounted  he winking and sniffing as usual. I stopped sudby a capacious chest, all over the streets and sub- denly before the house, so suddenly that the intoxurbs of London; all day, drag, drag, drag, by the icated clarionet player fell over, and upset the cart,
sides of the gutters. The old rascal had two in- tearing away a portion of the harness, from which
struments; his cracked clarionet, and a hard  I rapidly disengaged myself, and instantly set up
thonged whip. With the one, his intention was to  my well known and much dreaded howl. I was so
amuse the public; with the other, to torture me. altered in my person, that it was with difficulty that
Whenever he ran down several notes in "Maggy  I was recognized; the favorite howl, which I reLauder," I invariably howled, I could not help my- peated, effected that.
self: then out came the other instrument; and the    Here was a tableau! My master's trunk and
tone and flourishes of that about my ears were dis- clarionet prostrate in the gutter; all the Pennytinctly heard, and the music was of such a nature, feathers in mute astonishment, in various attitudes;
that it was as distinctly felt.                I, mad for joy at my release, jumping up to lick Mr.
My master was a musical hypocrite of uncommon  Pennyfeather's face; his utter horror thereat; the
tact; he knew the houses well where he was en- arrival of the butcher's boy, attracted by the crowd,
couraged, and where he was sure to be paid to go with a cleaver in his hand; the advent of two poaway. He was perfectly aware at what residence licemen to convey the remains of the drunken begthe hundred and fourth Psalm would be accepta- gar to the station house; my determination to be
ble, or where "Nix my dolly pals, fake away," again received as an inmate; Mr. Pennyfeather's
would be preferred. Oh! how I have execrated  decided objection to that measure, expressed by
the old impostor, when he has turned from a low  showing the butcher's boy another half-crown; the
public house, seethed in gin, where he has been butcher's boy's attempt to seize me; my boundless




858               THE YOUNG PHILANTHROPIST AND THE OLD BRUTE.
anger excited; the butcher's cruel grasp revenged  but out of reach of my pursuers-looked on the
by my biting-him through the hand; the butcher's world with disgust-and became a vagrant as you
upraised cleaver! Oh! oh!-it fell, and though  now see me.
intended for my head, cut off two-thirds of my    Here the UNLUCKY DOG turned round, and retail!                                           marked,
Maddened with pain, I ran, I know not whither,        " Tis IS THE END OF MY TAIL."
THE YOUNG PHILANTHROPIST AND THE OLD BRUTE.
*tfog  for ive * ime to come.
BY J. B. BUCKSTONE.
IT was a bitter night in January; few and shiver- him, and exclaimed-" Pray, Sir, look with pity on
ing were the pedestrians of the streets of London; the poor and houseless on such a wretched night!"
icebergs floated on the river, a sharp north-easterly   To this appeal no reply was given; the old man
wind cut every half-clad and homeless creature to  hastened on, the woman seemed to gain courage,
the bone; the chimes of Westminster Abbey tolled  and kept pace with him; he waved her back with
the hour of eleven; their very sounds seemed to  his hand:-she stopped, uttered a piteous groan,
tremble and die in the freezing air, as they were lis- and looked after the cruel one who had so repulsed
tened to by a figure leaning against the low wall her. He arrived at the door of a dirty old-fashioned
that faced a gloomy and moated building on that house, knocked and rang. Before the door could
side of the Thames called Millbank. The form was be opened, the woman was again at his side —" For
that of a woman: her face had been buried in her heaven's sake, Sir," she said earnestly, "be charihand till the chiming of the hour roused her from  table-I have no home, and this poor child " —He
her position: she looked earnestly towards the mis- did not allow her to conclude the appeal, but in a
erable building, walked or rather tottered a few  harsh voice bade her "go away;" she sank on her
paces, then turned and gazed again.             knees to him; he laughed, muttered the word " im-'" Three weeks only gone," she exclaimed, " of the  postor!" and again rang the bell. A severe-looking
long, long year that must pass before I may ever female appeared at the door, bearing a light.
see him again-I shall not live till the end of it-I'" Martha," said the old man, as he entered the
cannot-I feel that I cannot; "-and she drew a house, "give that woman in charge to the police."
thin and tattered cloak closely around her, as the  The request, however, was not complied with, the
ruthless wind swept by upon that desolate bank: the  door was instantly closed; the noise of bolts and
cry of a child was heard beneath her wretched gar- chains was heard-and, as the morning dawned, a
ment: she strove in vain to hush it, till the cold- young female, and an infant clasped in her arms,
stricken infant's screams struck terror into the heart were discovered on the step of that door frozen to
of its miserable mother.                        death!
" What can I do to help you, dear?" was her sob-   Who can she be? anxiously inquired the crowd
bing question. " You are cold, you must be, for I that gathered round the old man's house.
am shivering from head to foot-I have not tasted    They were bearing away the bodies, when a perfood to-day, and nothing have I for you, poor dear! son knocked to inquire if the inmate of the dwellwhere Nature teaches you to turn for nourishment: ing knew any thing of the sad catastrophe. The
it were better that we both lie down to die-if we old man appeared at the door; his hair and beard,
can but fall asleep on such a night as this, neither the latter of a week's growth, were gray; his eyes
of us will ever wake again."  And she sank by the  were deeply set in his head, and overshadowed by
road-side, exhausted.                           white and bushy brows; and, as he thrust forth his
The cries of the child were silenced for a time, withered countenance in order to reply to the quesand she appeared to strive to invite slumber; but tion put to him, it assumed an expression of such
in vain; for, suddenly starting up, she paid, " He ferocity, that the bystanders shrank in more fear
will be again at liberty; the bitter lesson he has from the face of that living man, than from the plaknown will make him more cautious, he will not cid countenances of the dead before them. "Do
again be the dupe of wretches; and if some good  you know any thing about them?" was the quesChristian would but listen to my sad story, and re- tion. "No," croaked the old man, "I do not, exlieve me for a time, all may yet be well. No, no, I cept that the woman was a beggar, and followed me
must strive against this affliction: though I could last night as I came home late from the city: had
not help crawling, even on this wretched night, to  my servant done as I desired her, this might not
look upon the dark walls that surround my husband, have happened. Now begone, and don't create a
and the father of my child. God help me! for I am  disturbance before my house."
afraid none upon earth will."                     He disappeared, the door was sharply closed, and
She moved forwards with great rapidity, till she the crowd bearing the dead passed on. " An old
reached one of those lonely streets near the Abbey. brute!" remarked one; " he gave her nothing, I'll
An old man walked hurriedly by her, well wrapped be bound, and they say that he is worth thousands."
up and defended against the weather-his mouth       *      *       *      *       *      *
carefully covered to avoid a thick fog which had   It was a lovely morning in spring; the fruit-trees
suddenly followed the subsiding of the wind. In were clothed in blossom, the graceful laburnum
spite of his precautions, the foul air penetrated to  drooped in golden beauty, the birds sang gaily in
his lungs, and a violent cough compelled him to  the green hedges; the French windows of a small
pause. The woman whom he had passed, approached  but elegant villa on the river side were open, and a




THE YOUNG PHILANTHROPIST AND THE OLD BRUTE.                             859
young man walked forth upon the lawn, to enjoy    His cab had followed him on the river-side; he
that genial and delightful day; he was attended by  leaped into it, his smart tiger hung on, behind, and
his valet; and, basking in the rays of the sun, sip- his fine horses nobly stepped out towards town. He
ping his chocolate, took a letter from the pocket of  dined at one of his clubs, and reading over the adhis elegantly-figured morning gown, and, giving it vertisements in the newspaper after dinner, his conto the man, desired him to deliver it in the course  stant custom, with a view to discover some new case
of the day as directed. " It contains," said he " a of distress which he could delight himself by relievtrifle for the widow of the poor fisherman who was ing, found one object of compassion perishing for
drowned last week;" and, added he, "see that my  want in the neighborhood of Walworth. Not a
half-yearly subscription for the relief of the house- moment was to be lost: he would fly to her relief;
less poor be paid to-morrow; " and with a smile he  and ten minutes more found him crossing Waterloo
gave his empty cup to the valet, and passed with an  Bridge in his way to the abode of wretchedness.
air of contentment into his garden, where his gar- The evening was as clear, and as calm, as the morndener was working; the young man approached  ing had been beautiful. He thought again, with
him-" Are you happy now, Thomas?" was the  heartfelt satisfaction, on all the good that he had
question put to the laborer.                    done, and on that which he was going to do, and, as
"Quite, Sir, and I shall ever bless the day that I he complacently looked upwards to the brightly shinmet you. If you had not taken me without a char- ing stars, "Oh lovely worlds," he exclaimed; "if
acter, my little family must have gone to the work  you are the abodes of the blessed, surely I may hope
house," was the reply.                          to inhabit one of you, when it may be my lot to
"Well," added the young man, "whether the  quit this less favored planet!"  His reveries were
charge against you were false or not —"         interrupted by observing a man ascend the parapet
" Quite false, Sir," interrupted the man.     of the bridge within a few yards of him, who flung
"Whether it was false or not, I hope that my  his arms wildly in the air, and seemed preparing to
kindness in receiving you into my service will make plunge into the rolling tide beneath; the young phiyou grateful, and that your gratitude will teach you  lanthropist rushed towards him, seized him by the
honesty while you are with me: I believe the  coat —a shrill and unearthly scream burst from the
charge of theft made against you in your last place  frustrated suicide, as he firmly held him  back.
to be unfounded, and trust that your good conduct Three or four passengers crossed over to the spot
here will prove it so."                         from the most frequented side of the bridge; the
"It shall, Sir, and Heaven bless you!" was the  man was dragged from  the parapet, and flung
reply of the wrinkled gardener. And the young  upon the ground.
man passed on, with a light step and a cheek flushed    "He is drunk!" was the observation of the paswith the consciousness of a heart possessing every  sengers, as they passed on, leaving the young man
charitable feeling for human nature. He walked to  alone with the desperate stranger.
the front of his villa, and hung over the gate open-   "Why-are you so rash? what is your trouble?
ing to the high-road: while looking with satisfaction  Tell me, and I will relieve you if I can."
on all around, a beautiful girl approached the gate,   The man staggered exhausted against the baluscarrying a letter; she blushed as she presented it trades; he panted for breath. The question was
to him. It was from her father, an industrious repeated.
tradesman in the neighborhood, who, in losing his    "You can do me no service," said the unknown.
wife, had, in his sorrow, suffered his business to be  "I wish to die."
neglected. He became the inmate of a prison, leav-   " Why?"
ing his eldest daughter, the bearer of the letter, and    " Sir," said the stranger, "I am the manager of
two younger children, unprotected: his misfortunes a theatre; to-morrow is Saturday, and I cannot pay
reached the ears of the young philanthropist now  my salaries;" and the would-be suicide glanced at
hanging over the gate. The tradesman's debts were the philanthropist with a strange leer.
paid, and his family reinstated in their old house    "What sum do you require?"
and business. This letter was one of thanks: he    "A hundred pounds."
perused it with pleasure, asked the young girl into    "Is that all?"
his house, directed the servants to offer her refresh-   "All!" added the manager with a look of dements, and put a bank-note into her hand as she de- spondency.' How can I face my people without
parted. The girl trembled, curtsied, and went home. that all? How many families will go dinnerless on
The young man reclined in his easy chair, and, Sunday, now that I am without that all!"
surveying himself in a Psyche before him, was, for   "Ha!" thought the philanthropist, "how many
the moment, the happiest man in existence; the  families then will bless my name if I supply him
blessings and praises of all who had experienced his with the means of paying them!" "You shall have
kindness rang in his ears. "Every body respects the sum that you require," said the young man:
me," said he; "respects me! they love me!" —and, "lead me to a place where I can obtain pen and
in the joy of his heart, he sprang into a light wherry  ink, and I will instantly write you a check."
that was moored at the extremity of his lawn, and    " You will!" replied the manager, rubbing his
pulled gaily with the tide down the river. "How  hands with glee. "You have not only saved my
delightful it is," thought he, "to have wealth and  life, but have sustained my character for punctualapply it as I do! How every one must talk of me! ity in my payments, without which a manager, from
I should like to hear what they say; but that is having it in his power to be the pettiest of all petty
impossible; "  and, with a sigh, he landed at Chel- tyrants, suddenly becomes the most insignificant
sea, trusted his wherry to the care of a waterman, creature on the face of the earth. Follow me, my
to whom he flung a guinea, and to "Poor Jack" a kind, my best friend; it is a non-play night-the
crown. Both stared after him in astonishment. "I anniversary of Charles the Martyr; the actors only
wonder what they will say of me?" thought he to  suffer for that event nowadays-poor devils!" and
himself.                                        the manager again rubbed his hands, and seemed




860               THE YOUNG PHILANTHROPIST AND THE OLD BRUTE.
to chuckle at something that tickled his fancy    "Don't be alarmed," said he; "a theatre is the
mightily. He led the way; they arrived at the the- legitimate place for transformation, and where could
atre, entered it by a small door in a back street, I undergo mine in a more befitting locality? I am
and were soon seated in a dark and dingy room, the  the embodied organ of inquisitiveness; many, many
walls of which were hung with files of play-bills. years ago I was an insignificant lump on the craAn office table with a desk upon it occupied the  nium of the last wife of the great Blue-beard. At
centre of the apartment; some faded damask chairs, her death, I was released from obscurity, and took
with dirty white and gold arms and legs, completed  my place amongst the myriads of liberated organs
the rest of- the furniture. On the table were seve- of every human passion that throngs the invisible
ral soiled manuscripts and paper parcels tied up and  air. These little eyes of mine, when I wish to pry
directed.                                       into any matter that interests me, I can expand to
"These are rejected dramas," said the manager, the size of the crown of your hat."  And he immeas he perceived his friend eyeing them.  " Every  diately gave an evidence of the truth of his boast,
man to whom I return one of those parcels is hence- by fixing on the alarmed philanthropist a pair of
forth my enemy for life."  He then threw himself immense black orbs, which he as suddenly reduced
into a chair, and assumed a lookof vast importance. to their former twinkling dimensions. Again he
"There are pen, ink and paper," said he.       laughed long and loud at the astonishment of the
"And there," added the young man, "is the  young man.
check."'            "Behold," said he, pointing to his tin tube,
"Attend in the treasury to-morrow," said the  "when I apply this instrument to my ear, I can
manager, "and behold the gratified faces of my  plainly distinguish all that is said of me amongst my
company; for," said he, in his ear, "they do not companions behind my back."  He placed it to his
expect a halfpenny. You will hear what they say." ear:-" That's right," said he, with a grin.  "Go
"Shall I?" exclaimed the philanthropist, and his on- defame!- detract! — backbite!- I can hear
face flushed with delight.                      you-those infernal organs of destructiveness and
The manager now fixed his eyes on his friend, philoprogenitiveness are giving me a fine character.
and seemed to read his very soul.               I know that I am far from a paragon of excellence,
"I have no doubt," said he, " that you have done but really not such a wretch as my friends wish to
many kind actions like this?"                   make me out. Ah! now I see you have an inkling
" Yes," replied the young man.                to try my trumpet; take it, my friend:-don't be
"aAnd you find every body grateful?"         alarmed, it won't bite you."
"I think I do."                                 He handed his tube to the young man, who in" And in your own circle of course you are be- stinctively applied it to the proper organ-he immeloved?"                                        diately turned pale.
"I believe I am."                               "What do they say?" inquired the embodied
" And the objects of your charity reverence you?" organ.
" I believe they do."                           " Is it possible?" ejaculated the philanthropist.
" But you wish," said the manager, his eyes    " My friend," said the little gentleman, in the suit
twinkling with an arch expression; "you wish, I of spotted yellow, "What is the matter?"
dare say, to hear what is really said of you?"   "I hear a dozen voices reviling me."
"To confess the truth, it would greatly gratify    "-Indeed! what do they say?"
me."                                              "I'relieved a fisherman's young widow this morn" Well, sir," added the manager, " you have this ing, and her friends are persuading her that I have
night done me a great kindness; perhaps it is in  a base motive for my charity."
my power to return the favor by giving you your   " And she believes them, no doubt," said the exwish."                                          manager.
"What!" exclaimed the young man; "give me    "She does: her reply is' who'd have thought
to hear what is really said of me-is it possible?"   it?' and I plainly hear her simper of satisfaction.
"Possible!" said the manager, and he burst into    Another peal of laughter from the bow-legged
a laugh, so long and so loud, that the philanthropist gentleman shook the apartment.
doubted the sanity of the Thespian ruler; but as he    "Try again," said he; " better luck next time."
laughed so merrily, his countenance underwent a    The young man's face once more paled with
complete change, the clothes in which he was at- rage.
tired seemed to become uninhabited, like the    "What now?" inquired the owner of the tube.
dresses in the opening of a Christmas pantomime    "My gardener, that I took into my service withbefore the changes to the motley group take place  out a character, is talking to his wife. The man
— his head sank into his coat-his coat into his was accused of theft, was starving, and I took pity
nether garments-they, in their turn, fell into his on him."
stockings, and, sitting on the ground before the be-   "Well, what does he say of you?"
wildered young man, appeared an odd little figure,   "His opinion is, that as I seem so rich, and have
about three feet in height-his legs most grotesque- taken him without a character, if I don't work a
ly bowed, and supporting a very corpulent body. private still, he is almost sure that I am one of the
His head was large, his nose long and hooked, and  swell mob, and he shall begin to look about hima mouth, that alternately expanded from ear to ear, a wretch!"
and instantaneously drew up into a small oval of    The little gentleman rolled about the floor in ecthe size of an egg; he held a brown tin ear-trumpet stasies: again the tube was at the eager ear of the
in his hand, his dress was a tightly-fitting suit of young man, whose countenance reflected his vexayellow, spotted with black, and, at the first glance, tion.
he looked like a huge frog; his face, however, was    "What now?" inquired the man with the mouth,
red and jolly, and his little black eyes seemed on in a burlesque tone of commiseration.
fire with delight.                                "A party of friends, to whom I gave a splendid




A BOLD TRANSLATOR.                                     861
dinner last week, are discussing my charitable dis- sires her to be constant in her attendance at church
position."                                      -to take her little sister only with her, and he has
"And what do they say?"                      no doubt that some afternoon I may offer my arm,
"They attribute all that I have done to ostenta- which she must timidly take."
tion. Even my subscription to the Society for the    "Oh, dear-oh, dear!" sighed the owner of the
Relief of the Houseless Poor cannot escape their tube, "what a world it is!"
sneers.' Poor young man!' says one,'he feels   The young man's face now turned red with fury.
gratified at reading his name among the list of sub-   "Any thing more?" asked the embodied organ.
scribers.' "                                    " Who is speaking of you now?"
"Ah!" responded the owner of the tube, with a    "The man by the river-side, to whom I gave the
profound sigh:-" How bitter it is, sometimes, to  care of my wherry, and Jack-in-the-water; they are
listen to the truth;" and then he grinned again  gossiping over a cool tankard at the Adam and Eve
from ear to ear, his mouth immediately afterwards -they are speaking of me."
assuming its oval form, as he cast a sidelong glance    "What do they say?"
at the mortified philanthropist.  "Can you hear    "The devil," exclaimed the philanthropist, and he
any thing further?" said he.                    dashed the tube on the ground; it seemed to fly
"Yes."                                       into a thousand pieces —a loud clap of thunder
"What?"                                     shook the building.  The young man received a
"The tradesman whom I released from prison is violentoblow, and fell stunned upon the floor. On
talking to his daughter-a beautiful girl, who  recovering, the white lines with which the shutters
brought me a letter of thanks from her father this of the room were ruled told him that it was break of
morning."                                       day. He groped about in fear and astonishment,
" Indeed! You are the subject of their discourse, and, when recollection of the incidents of the past
no doubt. What may they say?"                  night returned to him, he anxiously sought the door
"The fCther is asking his girl how I behaved to  of the apartment, and explored his way thence
her; she replies,' most kindly, and that she thinks I through the dark wings of the play-house: —the
pressed her hand at parting, when I presented her night-porter had opened the stage-door, and was
with money."'                                   surveying the state of the weather on the pave"And the father, what says he?"              ment. The philanthropist darted unobserved into
" Pooh!-psha!-no such thing."              the street, called a hackney-coach, and in two hours
"The father says so?"                        was stretched upon his bed, with an aching head,
"No, no,'tis my reply to his ridiculous assertion." and a heart bursting with vexation.
"And what is that?"                                                              
" He tells his daughter, that if she minds how she
plays her cards, she may be my wife; and ascribes   Forty years and more glided away. The Young
all my kindness to him, my releasing him  from  Philanthropist of the elegant villa on the banks of
prison, my paying his debts, and re-establishing him  the Thames, and the Old Brute of the lonely street
in business, to to"                             near the Abbey, were one and the same person,
" Whatb  "                                    changed only by years and a matured knowledge of
" Being smitten with the girl's charms. He de-.
A BOLD TRANSLATOR.
IN certain clubs in London, it has been found    The translator, when called on to explain the
useful to check the inclination to classical quota- hackneyed phrase, "De mortuis nil nisi bonum,"
tion, by introducing a translator, to which position  answered, " It is the watchword of the resurrection
some well-known humorist is generally appointed. men-'when dead, how nicely we'll bone'em!"'
When any gentleman indulges in Horatian or Vir- (i. e. steal them.)
gilian rhapsodies, or introduces a pedantic or out-   The conversation turning on a speaker, who, at
of-the way phrase of foreign origin, a cry of" Trans- a public meeting, had notes handed up to him,
lator!" brings that functionary to the rescue-his " from which hints he spoke," a gentleman advertduty being to paraphrase the meaning, if possible, ing to it used the phrase, " Gladiator in arend."
but at the same time invest it with some ridiculous "Translator!" sounded loudly, on all sides; when
association.                                    the ingenious gentleman explained that it arose
Mr. Paul Bedford, a well known comedian, was from the destruction of a woman by a Roman, who
at one time the Translator of a certain society near devoured her, and, in the joy of a successful reDrury Lane. A gentleman conversed learnedly on venge, declared, he was "glad he ate her in the
the classical meaning of the word Omnibus. " Trans- arena."
lator," said the President, very gravely, "what is   Talking of antediluvian and pre-adamite relics,
the English for omnibus?"  "Shillibeer!" replied the Megatherium was named. Some skeptical perBedford instantly.                              sons present denied that such an animal ever exA certain musician having been seen flirting with  isted.  "Translator," cried the president, "what
a fair one at the box-door of Drury Lane Theatre, animals existed before Adam's time?"  "Nothing
was charged, on entering the club, with inconstancy  but one chay-hoss (chaos)," said the erudite officer.
towards the fair proprietor of his heart and hand. Nor was this the only use made of this word; for,
"N on," he exclaimed,  "Je suisfidle!"  The trans- in a learned dispute as to Bryant's denial of Troy
lator was instantly called for, who rendered it thus, and its siege, the Translator was called on to name
-" I am a fiddler."  The person in question was the earliest conflict on record. " It was in the reign
celebrated for his artistic excellence on " the merry  of chaos," he replied, " when nihilfit."
bit of wood."




862                            A  " PAGE " OF PHRENOLOGY.
A  "PAGE"  OF  PHRENOLOGY.
BY P. LEIGH (PAUL PRENDERGAST).
How delightful is the pursuit of natural science! beatitude, and sweeten the tea-cup of domestic bliss.
To study the habits and manners of ants,-to con- To the reflective and observant mind, the blow-fly,
template the industrious spider-little weaver that blue marauder, regaling itself on the sirloin desnever starves for want of employ,-to observe the tined to grace to-morrow the family board; the
"busy bee," instinct with that appetite for sweets mouse, tiny thief, luxuriating in fancied secret on
which it shares with the equally happy, but alas! the new Stilton in the larder; nay, even the unbidthe less industrious truant, collecting the saccharine den cockroach helping himself to the Christmas
principle "from every opening flower,"-to form a pie,-become objects of instructive survey.
continually increasing circle of acquaintance with    Actuated by an appetite for useful knowledge,
the verdant inhabitants of the vegetable kingdom, which has prompted the foregoing reflections, I
and the interesting inmates of the Zoological Gar- connected myself some years 4go with a literary
dens; these, indeed, are the occupations'which  and scientific society, which had been formed at
render life one summer's day; which enhance the Islington, where I reside, among a small but rerender life one summer's day; which enhance the Islington, where I reside, among a small but re



A   PAGE  A OF PHRENOLOGY.                                 863
spectable circle of friends. Our members are in-   I next remarked her considerable prominence at
elusive of several ladies-among them, of Mrs. "Tune," and recollected with a fond sigh of retroBrown, the amiable partner of my lot, with whom  spection, that the circumstance which, in youth's
I have lived in an uninterruped state of felicity for gay morn, fixed my destiny for life, was hearing
a longer time than, perhaps, she will allow me to  her sing in a summer-house at Brixton, "O'tis the
state. The predilections of Mrs. B. are precisely  melody we heard in former years!"
similar to my own; and having no family, we are    I found, also, "Alimentiveness," or the organ of
enabled to devote the greater part of our time to  appetite for food, very highly developed, and reindulgence in our favorite pursuits.            membered that she had that very morning inquired,
Our society meets at the house of each member with a languishing gaze upon vacancy, when ducks
in rotation, at half-past six precisely. After an ex- and green peas would be reasonable enough for our
hilarating cup of tea, we proceed to business, and a circumstances.  Her predilection for bubble and
lecture is delivered by the host of the evening, on  squeak occurred, in addition, to my mind; as did
the composition of water, the nature and proper- moreover, (" Constructiveness " was large, too,) her
ties of steam, the construction of the barometer and  proficiency in the preparation of jellies, pickles,
thermometer, or some other improving and enter- preserves, and in the other mysteries of the culitaining subject. Sometimes our recreations are di- nary art.
versified and enlivened by a discourse from one of    " Causality," the organ of perceiving the relation
our number, who is a young medical man, on the  of cause and effect, was moderate in size. Accordconformation of the skeleton, the circulation of the  ingly, Mrs. B. has always experienced a difficulty in
blood, and the like arcana of the healing art. At understanding the dependence of the boiling point
our last meeting, we were gratified with a paper on  of water onil elevation above the level of the sea,
hydraulics, as exemplified by the common pump.   and the connection between lobster-salad and indiOne evening, our young professional friend, whose gestion.  She is moreover prone, when asked to
name I may mention is Mr. John Hunter Dummer, assign a reason for such and such a fact, to answer,
obliged us with a lecture on the sciences of mes- "Because it is."  I had inquired of her a few days
merism and phrenology.  Never having had the  before, why corned beef was sometimes variegated
means, previously, of acquiring any information on  on its exterior, and she gave me that reply.
these subjects, I had formed no opinion respecting    These striking coincidences at once rendered me
them; I therefore hailed the opportunity thus af- a zealous convert to phrenology. I then tried to
forded me of enlarging my stock of ideas.  Mr. mesmerize my partner, and she very soon became
Dummer very much disposed me to believe that a sleeping one; but as in about half an hour she
there was something in the doctrines which he ad- suddenly awoke with a start, and wanted to know
vocated, particularly as he appealed in confirmation  if it was not almost supper time, I am not quite
of them to facts, which, as he with great truth re- sure that the sleep was not simply natural.
marked, were stubborn things.  Resolved, as he    The next day, I examined the heads of our dorecommended, to make observation of Nature the  mestics,-not without some opposition on the part of
test of truth, I took home with me a phrenological the cook, who, I imagine, at first misapprehended my
bust, accompanied by a card, descriptive of the  object. She had a very large " Destructiveness," and,
different organs, which he was so kind as to lend  certainly, her temper is none of the most equable.
me.                                             The housemaid was deficient in " Order;' a defect
On arriving at our little domicile, I immediately  which her stockings, exhibiting the chasm vulgarly
commenced my researches by examining the head  called a potato-her shoes, which were down at heel
of Mrs. B.  The first point in her organization  -and the general hue of her visage, which once inwhich struck me, was the great fulness of the occi- duced a wag, who visited at my house, to say, that
put or back of the head. On comparing notes with  she must have been cleaning her face with the
the bust, I found that this was the region of the  blacking-brush-abundantly exemplified; and which
organ termed "Philoprogenitiveness."  I looked  the dusty condition of the mantelpiece, the litter
out "Philoprogenitiveness" upon the card, where  usually observable in the passage, and the inadeI found the results of its predominance described  quately rinsed breakfast cups, had too often borne
as follows:-                                    out before.
" Very Large.-Extreme fondness for children    Our knife, errand, and foot-boy, or page, was enand young creatures in general. Apt to lead to in- dowed with an extraordinary "Locality," which,
dulging and spoiling youth, also to petting and ca- among other things, occasions a desire for change
ressing small animals.  Often occasions extreme  of place. I had never observed any indications of
desire for offspring, and regret at the non-enjoy- the faculty in the boy; but he came a few days
ment of that supposed blessing."                afterwards to give warning, wishing to change his
This was very singular. Mrs. B. had at that very  place, as he said, to better himself —but, as I am conmoment Tiny, a little King Charles's spaniel, whom  vinced, acting under the influence of his " Locality."
she washes and combs every morning with her own    When he was gone, I made up my mind to choose
hands, and has fed so bountifully that he has be- his successor on phrenological principles; one of the
come quite corpulent in her lap; and Tib, her fa- chief uses of phrenology having been stated by Mr.
vorite tortoise-shell, was purring behind her chair. Dummer to be, its applicability to the selection of
The next evening the little Edwardses over the  servants. Accordingly, I rejected numerous appliway, whom she is continually regaling with sugar- cants for his situation, who came with the best replums and raspberry jam, were coming to tea, to  commendations, not finding their organizations in
meet our little nephews and nieces; and I could  conformity with their alleged character; and, finot but be interestingly reminded of the circum- nally, made choice of one, whose head, in my judgstance, that the sole affliction of my good lady is ment, was to be depended on. He seemed to have
that no olive branches have graced our otherwise  a fine moral development, with particularly large
unique mahogany.                                "Wit,"  "Form," " Imitation," " Constructive



864                            A' PAGE 3 OF PHRENOLOGY.
ness," "Adhesiveness," " Marvellousness," and, as I four inches down its length. From the point of
thought, "Ideality."                            the scalene triangle thus formed, he dropped a
When I inquired what his name was, he answer- fourth line about half a foot in length, and this he
ed, "Bill Summers."  I considered his substitution joined at its termination to the lateral part of a
of " Bill" for " William" as a proof of the facetious small irregular circle, beneath and united to which
tendency of his mind-which, admiring innocent he described a larger oval, with a short horizontal
mirth rather than otherwise, I considered by no  line trifurcate at the end extended from either side,
means a disqualification on his part for my service.  and two similar lines, but longer, a little inclined
I soon found that the disposition to humorous outwardly, depending from below it-thus:
manifestations was really very strong in this young
gentleman, and was manifested in a variety of ways.                        -
If his fellow-servants asked him for any thing, he
would often playfully demand whether they did not               I
wish they might get it?  At the same time, he
generally put his thumb up to his nose, and twiddled his extended fingers. He would inquire of       |                                   r L
young passers-by. at the area railings, of whom he
had no previous acquaintance, the state of the health!I
of their maternal parents? whether those relatives  
were aware of their being from home? if they had
disposed of their mangles? and many similar questions, which, though they had rather the semblance
of impertinence, were no doubt dictated by a pure
love of drollery.
This " Wit " or " Mirthfulness," acting along with
"Imitation," and perhaps "Tune," oftentimes occasioned him to indulge in the utterance of various                _                ii
noises, which I supposed were intended to resemble
the cries of different animals. Of these, a favorite
one was a note something like the call of the lapwing, another was similar to that of the turkey.
The duck he imitated to perfection                                                  =
" Constructiveness," the organ of manual adroitness, he evinced by a singular dexterity in flinging....1 —-21    _ -          -
stones, which sometimes excited my admiration, in
spite of my perception of the dangerous tendency    Having completed this design, which, as will be
of the amusement. He was very fond also of piling  seen, was a pictorial commentary on the law of
little grottos with oyster-shells, which he collected  capital punishment, he put his hands into his pockets
while going on errands. His " Marvellousness," or under his apron, and fell to capering and whistling
"Wonder," was very apt to make him loiter in  in high glee at the success of his performance;
order to stare at sights. This habit sometimes oc- but, upon turning round, and catching sight of me
casioned us a little inconvenience; but then how  at the window, he hastily resumed his employment.
interesting it was to observe the exemplification of I had called Mrs. Brown, to show the amusement
truth! He was always especially attracted by the  which I derived from witnessing his proceedings,
performance of Punch, which gratified the drama- and we both agreed that the subject which he had
tic turn arising from his " Imitation," and was also  chosen for illustration-the tendency and reward of
a rich treat to his "Mirthfulness."             crime-was in complete harmony with his large
The faculty last mentioned in him was eminently  " Conscientiousness," and strongly indicative of his
practical, and the cook and housemaid had often to  moral sense.
complain of its results, which were, sticking needles    His "Adhesiveness" was shown in the delight
point uppermost in their chairs, putting chopped  which he evidently derived from the interchange of
horse-hair in their beds, insects on the sly down  ideas with the butcher and baker boys at the area,
their backs, and other like pleasantries. A neigh- wherein he would sometimes spend more time than
bor, an antiquated spinster, one day sent in to  I quite approved of.
complain that he had singed her cat's whiskers, and    In one respect, however, I was at a loss to reconshaved its tail; but upon a careful admeasurement, cile his character with his development. He seemed,
finding " Benevolence" to be decidedly large, I ac- as I said, to have large "Ideality," the protuberquitted him of so cruel a joke.                 ance indicative of the poet. Nevertheless, he never
Of his well developed "Form," whereon the talent made any verses that I knew of, and though he
for drawing depends, I observed a manifestation  knew a few songs, they were principally of the devery shortly after his arrival. I was looking out of scription termed "Negro Melodies," which can
a back window which commanded a view of the  hardly be said to be of a poetical or sentimental
yard, and the knife-shed therein situated, where he  character. Indeed, they were, for the most part,
had some work to do. This he had temporarily  scarcely intelligible-there was one, in particular,
abandoned, and was engaged in making a sketch in  in which one " Josey " was invited to "jim along."
white chalk upon the wall. First he drew a per- I could make no head or tail of it.
pendicular line about two feet long, then a trans-   To make sure that my phrenological estimate had
verse one three-fourths shorter, at right angles with  been correct, I induced him, by the presenti"f five
the top of it. The former he connected with the  shillings, to allow his head to be shaved, and to let
latter by a diagonal stroke, commencing at the ter- me trace out the different organs thereon in ink. I
mination of the one, and joining the other some chose some of Mrs. Brown's marking ink for the




SOME RECOLLECTIONS OF GRIMALDI.                                865
purpose, which being principally composed of ni- I and confusion, the brooch and two or three of the
trate of silver or lunar caustic, was ineffaceable by  spoons, with a pawnbroker's duplicate for the rest,
ablution. I mapped out the bare scalp in exact were discovered behind a loose brick in the chimconformity with the bust, and was confirmed in the  ney.
conviction that I had made no mistake.             The youth was with little loss of time conveyed,
Shortly afterwards, several spoons were missing. in the charge of F to the Clerkenwell Police-office,
The cook and housemaid,-on being taxed with the  and thence in a van to Newgate. Before he left,
theft, indignantly denied it; and the idea that we called in Mr. Dummer to look at his head, and
so well organized a boy as William was capable of explain its discordance with what he had turned
such a delinquency, was preposterous. Mrs. B. had  out to be. And now comes the climax of my narraa tame magpie, and having read in various books tion, which I record for the benefit of inexperienced
of natural history of the propensity of this creature  phrenologists. What I had marked out as " Ideato pilfer and secrete such articles, we determined, lity " was declared by Mr. D. to be in reality " Acnot without great reluctance on my wife's part, that quisitiveness," which, in this instance was so large
the bird's neck should be wrung-an operation  as to come three inches in advance of its legitimate
which was performed by William, and which he ap- boundary, and to occupy the place of the former
peared to undertake with greater readiness than  organ. Here, therefore, as that gentleman remarkcould have been predicted from his large " Benev- ed, was one of those beautiful exceptions which
olence."                                        prove a rule.
We had occasionally before observed the marks    William is now in Australia. I have determined,
of smutty fingers on the exterior of mince and apple in future, not to trust to my own skill as a manipupies, and had fancied that an undue diminution had  lator in determining on a servant's character; but,
taken place in their contents during their reserva- instead, shall have some recourse for that purpose
tion in the larder. At length, too, the beer, which  to the assistance of a practised professor of phreit was William's province to fetch, began to assume nology. The guinea thus laid out will be well spent
a much more aqueous character than is consistent in the purchase of a guarantee against deception
with Barclayian integrity. This circumstance, in  and loss.
spite of our preconceived opinion of the lad's hon-   The cook and housemaid, who, indignant at havesty, gradually induced us to question his preten- ing been suspected, had given us warning, both desions to that virtue; at last, Mrs. Brown, having  dared that the boy was not only a thief, but an inlost a brooch, and a diligent search having been  corrigible storyteller. This feature of his character
vainly instituted in the other servants' boxes, the  was beautifully accordant with his great "Marvelbed-room of Master William was examined, under lousness."  On the whole, I consider my phrenolothe auspices of F 34, when, to our astonishment gical experiment to have been highly satisfactory.
SOME  RECOLLECTIONS  OF  GRIMALDI.
ANONYMOUS.
AN attempt to describe Mr. Grimaldi's Clown has white: see how mincingly he puts forth his foot,
always proved a failure: his humor could not be  and passes his hand over his garments; he must
tied down to pen, ink, and paper; it was an essence woo in another shape; he turns round in utter betoo subtle to yield to mere phraseology. His eyes, wilderment; anon, a boy passes-he plays at marlarge, globular, and sparkling, rolled in a riot of  bles with him, first for money, then for his jacket;
joy; his mouth, capacious, yet with a never-ending  he wins it: a dandy passes —he abstracts his coat
power of extension, could convey all sorts of physi- tails: a miller-he steals a sack: he has stolen yoncal enjoyment and distaste; his nose was not the  der chimney-pot, and made a hat; taken that danmere bowsprit appendage we find that respectable  dizette's shawl, and converted it into a waistcoat:
feature to be in general: it was a vivacious excres- the sack becomes white ducks; the tails render the
cence capable of exhibiting disdain, fear, anger, jacket a coat; a cellar-door iron ring forms an eyeeven joy. We think we see him now screwing it on  glass; and he moves, an admirable caricature of
one side; his eyes, nearly closed, but twinkling  the prevailing fashion of the day.
forth his rapture; and his tongue a little extended    Then, was there ever such a coach-builder?  Go
In the fulness of his enjoyment; his chin he had a to school, Mr. Houlditch; for, with a coal-scuttle
power of lowering, we will not say to what button  and a few cheeses, Grimaldi would construct you a
of his waistcoat, but certainly the drop was an  vehicle at a moment's notice. Is his vegetable man
alarming one.                                    unforgotten? He was no paltry humorist who conIt always appeared to us that Grimaldi movedhis ceived the notion of making a melon into a head,
ears; and this, anatomically speaking, is not an im- and turnips and radishes do the duty of hands and
possibility. Be it as it may, the way in which he fingers. His love-making-what infinite variety in
drew down his lower jaw on any sudden surprise  his approaches?  His boisterous freedom with the
gave this effect to the auricular organs. Speech  Lolidon fish-dealer; his sailor-like jollity at Portswould have been thrown away in his performance  mouth; his exquisite nonchalant air when attired
of Clown; every limb of him  had a language. as a dandy; and his undeniable all-overishness when
What eloquent legs were his! Look at him approach- as Clown, he meant to impress, being suddenly
ing that cottage of gentility; the man is changed: smitten by the beauty of his fair enslaver. It was
see how he stands looking at the window, at which  all what we had an hundred times seen, without the
hangs a bonnet: his back is toward you; but it tells innate ridiculousness of the things being made apthe tale, the lady within is to be won. Look how  parent to us. {Grimaldi had looked on the follies of
he bends toward the balcony-Romeo in red and  humanity, and fairly turned the seamy side without.




866                                    THEODORE HOOK.
Then, his treatment of that old man villanous, hundred clever men, but no single Clown. Follet
" yclept Pantaloon," whom, old and infirm as he is, was a jumper only; Laurent was ingenious, not
no one pities at all, though he is treated by all the  humorous; Bradbury was a man of great strength,
persons of the medley drama in a way that no elder- but his was very dreary merriment; Kirby was too
ly gentleman should be expected to endure. We  confined; Bristow, Hartland, and that school, were
applauded and rejoiced in those vices in Grimaldi mere imitators of the great original; Paulo and
that we hated in the Pantaloon; here is a bone for Southby, both clever, never stood the slightest
yourmetaphysicians to pick: we were quite blind  chance in competition with him; and young Joe
to the moral delinquency of Mons. Clown's habits; was only the shadow of the shade of that Grimaldi
he was a thief-we loved him, nevertheless; a cow- that our boyhood recalls; he only approached to an
ard, a most detestable coward-still we loved him: imitation of the style of his father in his latter and
he was cruel, treacherous, unmanly, ungenerous, weaker day.
greedy, and the truth was not in him-yet, for all   Pantomimes are now virtually extinct; Stanfield
this, multiplied up to murder, if you would, we loved  and Roberts have made picture galleries of them.
him, and rejoiced in his successes.  Clown, (Gri- Be it so. Grimaldi will in a few years be but a
maldi's Clown we mean,) Punch, and Falstaff(Shak- name; and our children's children must be content
spere can afford to be put in any company), are all to take the tale of his merits on the credit of their
darlings of our souls, though, if we reason about ancestors.  We believe in Garrick, whom we never
the matter, we find them to be all most incompre- saw, and those to come may believe in Grimaldi;
hensible vagabonds. Grimaldi had certainly studied  for, though in a low department of art, he was the
the gamut of merriment, and knew  every note of most wonderful creature of his day, and far more
its compass, and could discourse most excellent mu- unapproachable in his excellence than Kean or
sic. He was the finest practical satirist we ever had, Kemble in theirs.  He sleeps well, and had happily
-Hogarth in action;* during his day there were an  quitted the stage ere pantomimes had been driven
from it: he was a harmless, and a kind man, had
* Remember his scene when he opens three oysters, and many friends, and  few  enemies. —Sit tibi terra
finds an apt excuse for eating them all; his dagger scene; levis!
his duel; his skeleton scene, cum msultis allis.
THEODORE HOOK.
FROM THE MEMOIR OF THE REV. RICHARD HARRIS BARHAM.
ABOUT this time Mr. Barham found opportunities him  far beyond the station of a mere sayer of
of renewing his acquaintance with one who, in many  good things, or " diner-out of the first water."  To
respects, was to be ranked among the most extraor- those indeed who have never been fortunate enough
dinary men of his age, the late Mr. Theodore Hook. to witness those extraordinary displays, no descripTo say nothing of this gentleman's unequalled hap- tion can convey even a faint idea of the brilliancy
piness in impromptu versification, conveying, as he  of his conversational powers, of the inexhaustible
not unfrequently did, a perfect epigram  in every  prodigality with which he showered around puns,
stanza-a talent, by the way, which sundry rivals bon mots, apt quotations, and every variety of anhave affected to consider mere knack, and one of  ecdote; throwing life and humor into all by the exwhom still bears in his side the lethalis arundo of  quisite adaptation of eye, tone, and gesture to his
James Smith, for his bungling effort at imitation;  subject. His writings fail to impress one in any way
to pass by that particular province of practical hu- commensurate with his society.
mor* with which his name is so commonly asso-    Of the few sketches of him that have been given
ciated, and in which he was facile prisnceps, Mr. in novels, not one can claim the merit of being more
Hook yet possessed depth and originality of mind, than a most shadowy resemblance. It needs a gralittle dreamed of, probably, by those who were con- phic skill, surpassing his own, to draw his portrait
tent to bask in the sunshine of his wit, and to gaze  with any approach to correctness: indeed, it were
with wonder at the superficial talents which he ex- well nigh as easy to depict on canvas the diamond's
hibited at table, but sufficient, nevertheless, to place  blaze, as to portray that intensity of genius, that
dazzling vivacity of spirit, which distinguished him
even among the peers of intellect. Nowhere, per* Much as Mr. Barham, with all reasonable and right- haps, is failure more conspicuous than in the miserthinking people, condemned this practice of playing practi- able and meagre attempt in " Coningsby." Not the
cal jokes, there was something so original and irresistibly  faintest glow of humor, not one flash of wit, not an
ludicrous in the positions brought about by Theodore Hook's ebullition of merriment breaks forth from first to
humor, as to draw a smile from the most unbending. The last; the author, in utter incapacity for the task,
only thing of the kind in which Mr. B. was ever personally  contents himself with simply observing, " Here Mr.
engaged was.as a boy at Canterbury, when, with a school- Lucian Gay (the name under which Hook is introfellow, now a gallant major, "famed for deeds of arms," he  duced) was vastly amusing-there he made the
entered a Quakers' meeting-house: looking round at the  table roar," etc., much in the manner of the provigrave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said sol- dent artist, who, to obviate mistake, affixed the
emnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."-" Go notice to his painting: " This is the lion-this is the
thy way," commenced a drab-colored gentleman, rising,-  dog."  Of the moral portraiture, we will venture to
"go thy way, and"- "The pie's yours, sir," exclaimed  say that it is as unjust as the material is weak. For a
D-, placing it before the astounded speaker, and hastily  more accurate estimate of his character and position,
effecting his escape.                             and for an account of the main incidents of his life,




THEODORE HOOK.                                       867
we may refer the reader to an able, though not over were the dresses of a Punch and nine blue devils,
indulgent, article in " The Quarterly Review."   and the body of a man from.Lambeth-bone house,
Of what occurred, at that which appears to have  who had the day before been found drowned in the
been Mr. Barham's first interview with his old com- Thames.
panion after their separation at college, we have a    " In the evening, after Lady' had sung,' I've
somewhat detailed account:-                      been roaming,' Hook placed himself at the piano"November 6th.-Passed one of the pleasantest forte, and gave a most extraordinary display of his
evenings I ever spent at Lord —'s. The company, powers, both as a musician and an improvisatore.
beside the host and hostess, consisted of Mr. Can- His assumed object was to give a specimen of the
non, Mr. C. Walpole, Mr. Hill, generally known as burlettas formerly produced at Sadlers' Wells, and' Tom Hill,' Theodore Hook, and myself. It was he went through the whole of one which he comHook's first visit there, and none of the party but posed upon the spot. He commenced with the tunmyself, Cannon, and Hill, who were old friends of ing of the instruments, the prompter's bell, the raphis, had ever seen him before. While at dinner he ping of the fiddlestick by the leader of the band,
began to be excessively amusing. The subject of and the overture, till, the curtain being supposed to
conversation was an absurdly bombastic prologue, rise, he proceeded to describe:which had been given to C, of D. L. T., to get   "The first scene.-A country village-cottage
by heart, as a hoax, beginning-                 (o. P.)-church (P. s.)  Large tree near wing.
When first the drama's muse by freedom reared,  Bridge over a river occupying the centre of the
In Grecian splendor unadorned appeared, etc.  background. Music.-Little men in red coats seen
riding over bridge. Enter-Gaffer from cottage, to
" Gattie, whose vanity is proverbial, was included the symphony usually played on introducing old
in the joke. The stage-manager, who had the ar- folks on such occasions. Gaffer, in recitative, intiranging of it, offered him also some equally ridicu- mates that he is aware that the purpose of the
lous lines, which he said the author of the new com- Squire in thus early
edy had written for himself, but that he had not
sufficient nerve to deliver them.                                 A crossing over the water,
"'ufficientomanonthesta   u nerve to deliver them.  Is to hunt not the stag, but my lovely daughter.
"' No man on the stage has such nerve as I,' interrupted Gattie.                               Sings a song and retires, to observe Squire's motions,
"'' Then it must be spoken in five characters; the  expressing a determination to balk his intentions;
dresses to be thrown off one after the other.'       For a peasant's a man, and a squire's no more,
"'No performer can change his dress so quickly     And a father bhas feelings, though never so poor.
as I can,' quoth Gattie.
as I can,' quoth Gattie.'Enter Squire with his train. Grand chorus of
"' Then I am afraid of the French dialect and the  huntsmen-' Merry toned horn,Blythe is the morn,'
Irish brogue.''Hark forward, away, Glorious day,''Bright Phce"'I'm the only Frenchman and Irishman on the  busAurora,' etc., etc.
bus,'' Aurora,' etc., etc.
stage,' roared Gattie.                             "The Squire dismisses all save Confidant, to
"The hoax was complete, and poor Gattie sat up whom, in recitative, he avows his design of carrythe whole night to learnthe epilogue; went through  ing off the old man's daughter, then sings under
three rehearsals with live dresses on, one over the  her window. The casement up one pair of stairs
other, as a Lady, a Dutchman, a Highlander, a  opens.   Susan appears at it, and sings-asking
Teague, and lastly, as'Monsieur Tonson come  whether the voice which has been serenading her
again.' All sorts of impediments were thrown in  is that of her'true blue William, who on the seas
his way, such as sticking his breeches to his kilt,  is blown about by every breeze.' The Squire
etc. The time at length arrived, when the stage- hiding behind the tree she descends to satisfy hermanager informed him with a long face, that Col- self; is accosted by him, and refuses his offer: he
man, the licenser, instigated, no doubt, by Mathews, attempts force. The old man interferes, lectures
who trembled for his reputation, had refused to  the Squire, locks up his daughter, and exit (P. s.)
license the epilogue: and poor Gattie, after waiting  Squire sings a song expressive of rage and his deduring the whole of the interlude, in hopes that the termination to obtain the girl, and exit (P. s.)
license might yet come down, was obliged to retire "tWhistle-Scene changes with a slap.-Publicmost reluctantly and  disrobe.                  house door; sailors carousing with long pig-tails,
"Hook took occasion fFom this story to repeat checked shirts, glazed hats, and blue trousers.
part of a prologue which he once spoke as an ama- Chorus-' Jolly  tars, Plough the main,-Kiss the
teur, before a country audience, without one word  girls, Sea again.' William, in recitative, states that
being intelligible.from the beginning to the end. he has been'With brave Rodney,' and has got
He afterwards preached part of a sermon in the'Gold galore;' tells his messmates he has heard a
style of the Rev. -, of Norwich, of whom he land-lubber means to run away with his sweetheart,
gave a very humorous account; not one sentence and asks their assistance. They promise it.
of the harangue could be understood, and yet you
could not help, all through, straining your atten-    Tip us your fin! We'll stick t'ye, my hearty,
tion to catch the meaning. He then gave us many       And beat him  Haven't we beat Boneyparty 
absurd particulars of the Berners street hoax, which  Solo, by William,' Girl of my heart, Never part.
he admitted was contrived by himself and Henry  Chorus of sailors —'Shiver my timbers,''Smoke,
H, who was formerly contemporary with me at and fire, d-n the Squire,' etc., etc. (WhistleBrazenose, and whom I knew there, now a popular scene closes-slap.)
preacher. He also mentioned another of a similar    "Scene-the village as before. Enter Squire;
character, but previous in point of time, of which  reconnoitres in recitative; beckons on gipsies, headhe had been the sole originator. The object of it ed by confidant in red. Chorus of gipsies entering
was a Quaker who lived in Henrietta street, Covent -'Hark! hark!  Butchers' dogs bark!  Bow,
Garden. Among other things brought to his house  wow, wow. Not now, not now.''Silence, hush!




868                                   THEODORE HOOK.
Behind the bush. Hush, hush, hush.''Bow, wow, atre, who. having given out the play of' Douglas,'
wow.''Hush, hush.''Bow, wow.''Hush! hush! found the whole entertainment nearly put to a stop
hush!!' Enter Susan from cottage. Recitative,   by the arrest of'Young Norval' as he was enterWhat can keep father so long at marketing the theatre. In this dilemma, no other performer
What can keep father so long at market?      0?
The sun has set, although it's not quite dark yet.   the company beig able to take the part, he
- Butter and eggs,                dressed up a tall, gawky lad who snuffed the can- Weary legs.                     dles, in a plaid and philabeg, and pushing him on
"Gipsies rush on and seize her; she screams  the stage, advanced himself to the footlights with
Squire comes forward. Recitative affettuoso-' She  the book in his hand, and addressed the audience
scornful, imploring, furious, frightened!'  Squire  with,'Ladies and Gentlemenoffers to seize her; True Blue rushes down and in-    This young gentleman's name is Norval. On the Gram.
terposes; Music agitato; Sailors in pig-tails beat off  pian hills
glpsles;  Confidant runs up the tree; True Blue col-    His father feeds his flock, a frugal swain,
gipsies; WConfidant runs up the tree; True Bluecol-    Whose constant care was to increase his store,
lars Squire. Enter Gaffer:                          And keep his only son (this young gentleman) at home.
Hey-day! whas all his claer;  For this young gentleman had heard,' etc.
Hey-day! what's all this clatter;
William ashore?-why what's the matter?   And so on through the whole of the play, much to
"William  releases Squire, turns to Sue; she  the delectation of the audience.
screams and runs to him; enbrace;'Lovely Sue;    "In the evening, Hook went to the piano, and
Own True Blue;' faints; Ga~ffer goes for gin;* she  played and sang a long extempore song, principally
recovers, and refuses it; Gaffer winks, and drinks levelled against Cannon, who had gone up earlier
it himself; Squire, Recitative-' Never knew, about thn  the rest, and fallen asleep on the sofa in the
True Blue; constant Sue;''Devilish glad, here, mydrawing-room. Sir A. B, who now met the
lad;  what says dad?' William, recitative-' Thank  former for the first time, expressed a wish to witye, Squire; heart's desire; roam no more; moored  ness more of his talent  as  an  improvisatore, and
ashore.'  Squire joins lovers-' Take her hand; gave him Sir Christopher Wren* as a subject, on
house, and bit of land; my own ground; *which he immediately commenced and sang, without
a moment's hesitation, twenty or thirty stanzas to a
And for a portion here's two hundred pound I  different air, all replete with humor.
Grand chorus huntsmen, gipsies, and sailors with    "March 23.-Dined at Sir A. B's, who was
pig-tails; Solo, Susan-' Constant Sue; own True  summoned away to attend the ksng.  *  *  *  *
Blue.' Chorus; Solo, William-' Dearest wile, laid  Hook made but one pun: on Walpole's remarking
up for life.' Chorus; Solo, Squire-' Happy lovers, that, of two paintings mentioned, one was' a shade
truth discovers.' Chorus  Solo, Gaffer'  Curtain  above the other in point of merit,' he replied,' I
truth discovers.' Chorus; Solo, Gaffer —' Curtain
draws, your applause.' Grand Chorus; huntsmen  presume you mean to say it was a shade over (chef
gipsies, sailors in pig-tails; William and Susan in  d'euvre).'
centre; Gaffer (o. P.), Squire (P. s), retires singing,  " He told us an amusing story of his going down
to Worcester, to see his brother, the dean, with
Blithe and gay —Hark away I         Henry H — (his companion in many of his frolics).
Merry, merry May.
Bill and Susans wedding day."       They arrived separately at the coach, and taking
their places inside, opposite to each other, pretendSuch is a brief sketch, or skeleton, thrown to- ed to be strangers. After some time, they began to
gether from memory, of one of those extempora- hoax their fellow travellers-the one affecting to
neous melo-dramas with which Hook, when in the  see a great many things not to be seen, the other
vein, would keep his audience in convulsions for the  confirminig it and admiring them.
best part of an hour. Perhaps had his improvisa-    "' What a beautiful house that on the hill!' cried
tising powers been restricted to that particular class H —, when no house was near the spot;'it must
of composition, the impromptu might have been  command a most magnificent prospect from the elquestioned; but he more generally took for subjects evation on which it stands.'
of his drollery the company present, never succeed-    "' Why, yes,' returned Hook,'the view must be
ing better than when he had been kept in ignorance  extensive enough, but I cannot think those windows
of the names of those he was about to meet; but, at in good taste; to run out bay windows in a Gothic
all times, the facility with which he wrought in  front, in my opinion, ruins the effect of the whole
what had occurred at table, and the points he made  building.'
bearing upon circumstances impossible to have been    "' Ah! that is the new proprietor's doings,' was
foreseen, afforded sufficient proof that the whole the reply,' they were not there when the Marquis
was unpremeditated. Neither in this, nor in any  had possession.' Here one of their companions inother of his conversational triumphs, was there any  terfered; he had been stretching his neck for some
thing of trickery or effort. No abruptness was ap- time, in the vain hope of getting a glimpse of the
parent in the introduction of an anecdote; no eager mansion in question, and now asked,
looking for an opportunity to fire off a pun, and no    "' Pray, Sir, what house do you mean? I don't
anxiety touching the fate of what he had said. In  see any.'
fact, he had none of the artifice of the professional    "   That, Sir, with the turrets and large bay winwit about him, and none of that assumption and  dows on the hill' said Hook, with profound gravity,
caprice which minor' Lions' exhibit so liberally to  pointing to a thick wood.
their admirers. It may be fairly said, as he knew    "   Dear me,' returned the old gentleman, bobbing
no rival, so he has left no successor:          about to catch the desired object,'I can't see it for
Zsatura lofece, e poi ruppe la 8stdmpa.  those confounded trees.'
" March 13, 1828.-Lord -, Sir A. B-, Theo      " The old gentleman, luckily for them, proved an
dore Hook, Stephen Price and Cannon dined here.   defatigable aser  f questions, and the answers
Cannon told a story of a manager at a country the- * Mr. Barham's house was situated in St. Paul's Churchyard.




HIRING A COOK.                                    869
he received, of course, added much to his stock of Jane (about ten), those are the Barons of England,
genuine information.                          and the Juniors, (that's the youngest, you know)
"'Pray, Sir, do you happen to know to whom  always goes first. Tell her to be sure and rememthat house belongs?' inquired he, pointing to a ber that, when we get home.'
magnificent mansion and handsome park in the dis-   "' Dear me, Ma!' said Louisa,' can that gentletance.                                        man be one of the youngest? I am sure he looks
"' That, Sir,' replied Hook,' is Womberly Hall, very old.'
the seat of Sir Abraham Hume, which he won at   "'Human nature,' added Hook,'could not stand
billiards from the Bishop of Bath and Wells.'  this; any one, though with no more mischief in
"' You don't say so!' cried the old gentleman in him than a dove, must have been excited to a
pious horror, and taking out his pocket-book, beg- hoax.'
ged his informant to repeat the name of the seat,   "' And pray, Sir,' continued the lady,' what genwhich he readily did, and it was entered accordingly  tlemen are these?' pointing to the Bishops who
-the old gentleman shaking his head gravely the  came next in order, in the dress which they wear
while, and bewailing the profligacy of an age in on state occasions, viz., the rochet and lawn sleeves
which dignitaries of the church encouraged gam- over their doctors' robes.
bling to so alarming an extent.                 "'Gentlemen, Madam!' said Hook,'these are
"The frequency of the remarks, however, made not gentlemen; these are ladies, elderly ladiesby the associates on objects which the eyesight of the Dowager Peeresses in their own right.'
no one else was good enough to take in, began at   " The fair inquirer fixed a penetrating glance
length to excite some suspicion, and Hook's burst- upon his countenance, saying, as plainly as an eye
ing suddenly into a rapturous exclamation at' the can say,' Are you quizzing me or no?' Not a musmagnificent burst of the ocean' in the midst of an  cle moved; till at last, tolerably well satisfied with
inland country-a Wiltshire farmer who had been her scrutiny, she turned round and whispered,for some time staring alternately at them and the    "'Louisa, dear, the gentleman says that these
window, thrust out his head, and after reconnoi- are elderly ladies and Dowager Peeresses in their
tring for a couple of minutes, drew it in again, and  own right. Tell Jane not to forget that.'
looking full in the face of the sea-gazer, exclaimed    "All went on smoothly, till the Speaker of the
with considerable emphasis,                   House of Commons attracted her attention by the
"' Well, now, then, I'm d-d if I think you can rich embroidery of his robes.
see the ocean, as you call it, for all you pretends,'   "' Pray, Sir,' said she,'and who is that fine-look-and continued very sulky all the rest of the ing person opposite?'
way."                                           "' That, Madam,' was the answer,'is Cardinal
One more instance of Mr. Theodore Hook's in- Wolsey!'
nate love of hoaxing.                           "'No, Sir!' cried the lady, drawing herself up,
"December 8.-Hook called, and in the course and casting at her informant a look of angry disof conversation gave me an account of his going  dain,'we knows a little better than that; Cardinal
to Lord Melville's trial with a friend. They went Wolsey has been dead many a good year!'
early, and were engaged in conversation when the    "' No such thing, my dear Madam, I assure you,'
peers began to enter. At this moment, a country- replied Hook, with a gravity that must have been
looking lady, whom he afterwards found to be a almost preternatural,'it has been, I know, so reresident at Rye, in Sussex, touched his arm and  ported in the country, but without theleast foundasaid,-                                        tion in fact; those rascally newspapers will say
"' I beg your pardon, sir, but pray who are those any thing.'
gentlemen in red now coming in?'                "The good old gentlewoman appeared thunder"'Those, Ma'am,' returned Theodore,'are the  struck, opened her eyes to their full extent, and
Barons of England; in these cases the junior Peers gasped like a dying carp; vox faucibus hcesit; seizalways come first.'                           ing a daughter with each hand, she hurried without
"'Thank you, Sir, much obliged to you. Louisa, -a word from the spot."
my dear! (turning to a girl about fourteen) tell
HIRING A COOK.
FROM " THE MAN OF MANY FRIENDS." BY THEODORE HOOK.
IN the morning, the old gentleman received the guet, all pronouncing the man of ton; and when he
visits of sundry tradesmen, to whom he had given came really to comprehend that the sweet-scented,
orders for different articles of dress; and Wilson, ring-fingered gentleman before him, was willing to
who was fully installed in his high office, presented  dress a dinner on trial, for the purpose of displayfor his approbation, Monsieur Rissolle, "without ing his skill, he was thunderstruck.
exception, the best cook in the United Kingdom."    "Do I mistake?" said the Colonel: "I really beg
The particular profession of this person, the Col- pardon-it is fifty-eight years since I learned French
onel, who understood very little French, was for -am I speaking to-a-(aiid he hardly dared to
some time puzzled to find out; he heard a vocabu- pronounce the word)-cook?"
lary of dishes enumerated with grace and fluency,   "Oui, Monsieur," said M. Rissolle; "I believe I
he saw a remarkably gentlemanly-looking man, his have de first reputation in the profession; I live
well-tied neckcloth, his well-trimmed whiskers, his four years wiz de Marqui de Chester, and je me
white kid gloves, his glossy hat, his massive chain flatte dat, if I had not turn him off last months, I
encircling his neck, and protecting a repeating Bre- should have superintend his cuisine at dis moment."'
56




870                                   HIRING A COOK.
"Oh, you have discharge4 the Marquis, sir?" said from Lord Trefoil,- who, being a joker, as well as
the Colonel.                                    a minister, had actually stated the fact related by
" Yes, mon Colonel, I discharge him; because he the unconscious turnspit, as the reason for their sepcast affront upon me, insupportable to an artist of aration.
sentiment."                                        " And pray, sir," said the Colonel, " what wages
" Artist!" mentally ejaculated the Colonel.  do you expect?"
"Mon Colonel, de Marqui had de mauvais gofit   "Wajes! Je n'entend pas, mon Colonel," anone day, when he had large partie to dine, to put answered Rissolle;. "do you mean de stipend-de
salt into his soup, before all his compagnie."  salarie?"
"Indeed," said Arden; "and, may I ask, is that   "As you please," said Arden.
considered a crime, sir, in your code?"           "My Lor Trefoil," said Rissolle, "give to me
"I don't know Code," said the man, " Morue?-  seven hundred pounds a-year, my wine, and horse
dat is salt enough without."                    and tilbury, with small tigre for him."
"I don't mean that, sir," said the Colonel; C" I    "Small what, sir?" exclaimed the astonished Colask, is it a crime for a gentleman to put salt into his onel.
soup?"                                            "Tigre," said Rissolle, "little man-boy, to hold' "Not a crime, mon Colonel," said Rissolle, "but de horse."
it would be de ruin of me, as cook, should it be    " Ah!" said Arden, "seven hundred pounds aknown to the world,-so I told his Lordship I must year, and a tiger!"
leave him; that de- butler had said, dat he saw his    "Exclusive of de phtisserrie, mon Colonel, I never
Lordship put de salt into de soup, which was to pro- touch dat departenient, but I have de honor to reclaim to the universe dat I did not know de propre  commend Jenkin, my sister's husband, for the pdquantite of salt required to season my soup."   tisserrie, at five hundred pound, and his wine.  Oh
"' And you left his Lordship for that?" inquired  Jenkin is dog ship at dat, mon Colonel."
the astonished country gentleman.                  "Oh! exclusive of pastry," said the Colonel, em-' Oui, sir, his Lordship gave me excellent char- phatically.
acter; I go afterward to live wid my Lord Trefoil,   " Oui, mon Colonel," said Rissolle.
very good, respectable man, my Lord, of good fam-   " Which is to be contrived for five hundred pounds
ily, and very honest man, I believe-but de king, per annum, additional. Why, sir, the rector of my
one day, made him his governeur in Ireland, and I parish, a clergyman, and a gentleman, with an
found I could not live in dat devil Dublin."    amiable wife and seven children, has but half the;" No!"                                      sum to live upon."
" No, mon Colonel-it is fine city?" said Rissolle    "Dat is hard," said Rissolle, shrugging up his
-" good place-but dere is no Italian Opera."    I shoulders.
" How shocking!" said Arden, " and you left his    "Hard-it is hard, sir," said Arden; " and Yet
Excellency on that occount?"                    you will hear the men who pay their cooks seven
"Oui, mon Colonel."                           hundred a-year for dressing dinners, get up in their
"Why, his Excellency managed to live there places in Parliament, declaim against the exorbitant
without an Italian Opera," said Arden.          wealth of the Church of England, and tell the peo"Yes, mon Colonel, c'est vrai —but I presume he ple that our clergy are over-paid."
did not know dere was none when he took the place    "Poor clergie! mon Colonel," said the man, "I
-I have de character from my lord, to state why I pity your clergie; but den, you don't remember de
leave him."                                     science and experience dat it require to make an
Saying which, he produced a written character omelette souffle."
___ 11   1iii- 
i               I; i i~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A CHAPTER ON PUNS.                                      871
"The devil take your omelette, sir," said Arden; the irate Colonel, brought Wilson into the room,
"do you mean seriously and gravely to ask me who, equally terrified with his Gallic friend at the
seven hundred pounds a-year-for your services?"   symptoms of violent anger which his master's coun" Oui, vraiment, mon Colonel," said Rissolle, at tenance displayed, stood wondering at the animation
the same moment gracefully taking snuff from a of the scene; when Arden, whose rage at the nonsuperb gold box.                                chalance of Rissolle, at first impeded his speech,
" Why then, d —n it, sir, I can't stand this any  uttered with an emphasis not to be misunderstood —
longer," cried the irritated novice in the fashionable' Good morning-sir-seven hundred    "
world; "seven hundred pounds! make it guineas,   What the rest of this address might have been it
sir, and I'll be your cook for the rest of my life."   is impossible to say, for before it was concluded
The noise of this annunciation, the sudden leap  Rissolle had left the apartment, and Wilson closed
taken by Monsieur Rissolle, to avoid something  the door.
more serious than words, which he anticipated from
A CHAPTER ON PUNS.
BY THEODORE HOOK.
THERE is one class of people who, with a depra-   If a man is pathetically describing the funeral of
vity of appetite not excelled by that of the cele- his mother or sister, or wife, it is quite allowable to
brated Anna Maria Schurman, who rejoiced in eat- call it a "black-burying party," or to talk of a "fit
ing spiders, thirst after puns. If you fall in with  of coffin;" a weeping relative struggling to conceal
these, you have no resource but to indulge them to  his grief may be likened to a commander of "pritheir hearts' content; but, in order to rescue your- vate tears;" throw in a joke about the phrase of
self from the imputation of believing punning to be  " funerals performed," and a re-hearsal; and wind
wit, quote the definition of Swift, and be like him, up with the anagram real-fun, funeral.
as inveterate a punster as you possibly can, imme-   I give this instance first, in order to explain that
diately after resting every thing, and hazarding all, nothing, however solemn the subject, is to stand in
upon the principle, that the worse the pun the  the way of a pun.
better.                                            It is allowable, when you have run a subject dry
In order to be prepared for this sort of punic in English, to hitch in a bit of any other language
war, (for the disorder is provocative and epidemic,) which may sound to your liking. For instance, on
the moment any one gentleman or lady has, as they  a fishing party. You say fishing is out of your
say in Scotland, "let a pun," every body else in the  line; yet, if you did not keep afloat, you would
room who can, or cannot do the same, sets to work  deserve a rod; and if anybody affects to find fault
to endeavor to emulate the example. From that with your joke, exclaim "Oh, vous bete!"  There
period, all rational conversation is at an end, and a you have line, rod, float, and bait ready to your
jargon of nonsense succeeds, which lasts till the  hand. Call two noodles from the city in a punt,
announcement of coffee, or supper, or the car- endeavoring to catch small fry, "East Angles;" or,
riages, puts a happy termination to the riot.   if you please, observe that " the punters are losing
Addison says, "one may say of a pun, as the the fish," "catching nothing but a cold," or that
countryman described his nightingale, that it is vox  " the fish are too deep for them."  Call the Thames
et prceterea nihil, a sound, and nothing but a sound;" a " tidy" river; but say you prefer the Isis in hot
and, in another place he tells us that "the greatest weather.
authors in their most serious works make frequent   Personal deformities or constitutional calamities
use of puns; the sermons of Bishop Andrews, and  are always to be laid hold of. If any body tells
the tragedies of Shakspere are full of them; if a you that a dear friend has lost his sight, observe
sinner was punned into repentance as in the latter, that it will make him more hospitable than ever,
nothing is more usual than to see a hero weeping  since now he would be glad to see any body. If a
and grumbling for a dozen lines together;" but he  clergyman breaks his leg, remark that he is no
also says, "it is indeed impossible to kill a weed  longer a clergyman, but a lame man. If a poet is
which the soil has a natural disposition to produce. seized with apoplexy, affect to disbelieve it, although
The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, you know it to be true, in order to sayand though they may be subdued by reason, re- 
flection, and good sense, they will be very aptAoet
shoot up in the greatest genius that is not broken  and then, to carry the joke one step further, add,
and cultivated by the rules of art."             "that it is not afJit subject for a jest."  A man fallHere is something like a justification of the enor- ing into a tan-pit you may call " sinking in the submity; and, as the pupil is to mix in all societies, he lime;" a climbing boy suffocated in a chimney
may as well be prepared.                        meets with a sQotabledeath; and a pretty girl havyPuns may be divided into different classes; they  ing caught the small-pox is to be much pitted. On
may be made in different ways, introduced by pass- the subject of the ear and its defects, talk first of
ing circumstances, or by references to by-gone  something in which a cow sticks, and end by telling
events; they may be thrown in anecdotically, or the story of the man who, having taken great
conundrumwise. It is to be observed that feeling, pains to explain something to his companion, at
or pity, or commiseration, or grief, are not to stand  last got into a rage at his apparent stupidity, and
in the way of a pun-that personal defects are to  exclaimed, "Why, my dear Sir, don't you comprebe made available, and that sense, so as the sound  hend? the thing is as plain as A, B, C."  "I dare
answers, has nothing to do with the business.   say it is," said the other; "but I am D, E, F."




872                           AN HONEST PRACTICAL JOKE.
It may be as well to give the beginner something    Puns interrogatory are at times serviceable. You
of a notion of the use he may make of the most meet a man carrying a hare: ask him if it is his
ordinary words, for the purposes of quibbleism. own hare, or a wig? —there you stump him. Why
For instance, in the way of observation: —The loss is Parliament street like a compendium?  Because
of a hat is alwaysfelt; —if you don't like sugar, it goes to a bridge. Why is a man murdering his
you may lump it; —a glazier is a panes-taking man; mother in a garret a worthy person? Because he
-candles are burnt because wick-ed things always is above committing a crime.  Instances of this
come to light;-a lady who takes you home from  kind are innumerable; and if you want to render
a party is kind in her carriage, and you say "nunc  your question particularly pointed, you are, after
est ridendum" when you step into it; if it happen  asking it once or twice, to say " D'ye give it up?"to be a chariot, she is a charitable person:-birds'- then favor your friends with the solution.
nests and King-killing are synonymous, because    Puns scientific are effective whenever a scientific
they are high trees on; a Bill for building a bridge  man or men are in company, because, in the first
should be sanctioned by the Court of Arches as place, they invariably hate puns, especially those
well as the House of Piers; —when a man is dull, which are capable of being twisted into jokes which
he goes to the sea-side to Brighton; —a Cockney  have no possible relation to the science of which
lover, when sentimental, should live in Heigh Ho- the words to be joked upon are terms; and because,
burn;-the greatest fibber is the man most to re-lie in the next place, dear, laughing girls, who are
upon; —a dean expecting a bishopric looks for lawn; wise enough not to be sages, will love you for disa suicide kills pigs, and not himself;-a butcher is turbing the self-satisfaction of the philosophers, and
a gross man, but a fig-seller is a grocer;-Joshua  raising a laugh or titter at their expense.
never had a father or mother, because he was the    Where there are three or four geologists of the
sun of Nun;-your grandmother and great-grand- party, if they talk of their scientific tours made
mother were your aunt's sisters;-a leg of mutton is to collect specimens, call the old ones "' ninnybetter than Heaven, because nothing is better than  hammers," and the young ones "chips of the
Heaven, and a leg of mutton is better than nothing. old block;" and then inform them that claret is the
Races are matters of course. An ass never can  best specimen of quartz in the world. If you fall
be a horse, although he may be a mayor;-the  in with a botanist who is holding forth, talk of the
Venerable Bede was the mother of Pearl;-a baker quarrels of flowers as a sequel to the loves of the
makes bread when he kneads it; a doctor cannot plants, and say they decide their differences with
be a doctor all at once, because he comes to it by pistols. In short, sacrifice every thing to the purdegrees;-a man hanged at Newgate has taken a suit of punning, and, in the course of time, you will
drop too much;-the bridle day is that on which a acquire such a reputation for waggery, that the
man leads a woman to the halter; never mind the  whole company will burst into an immoderate fit
aspirate; punning's all fair, as the archbishop said  of laughing if you only ask the servants for bread,
in the dream.                                   or say " No " to the offer of a cutlet.
AN HONEST PRACTICAL JOKE.
FROM " ODD PEOPLE."  BY THEODORE HOOK.
SHORTLY after the Peace of 1748, and shortly be- set his emissaries at work, in order to ascertain how
fore his own death, the Duke of Montague had no- he could hit him hardest, and cure him of the Don
ticed a man, whose air and dress were military-  Quixote-like march, which he thought proper to
for in those days, most wisely, did men wear the  make up and down the park.
costume of the profession to which they belonged    His grace's jackal-and where is there a human
— the latter having evidently suffered either during  lion without one-wriggled and twisted himself
the late campaign, or the still later period of tran- about, grinned, showed his teeth, made himself
quillity; walking in the Mall of St. James's Park, amiable, and at last, got an opportunity of boring
apparently caring for nobody; in fact, seeing no- himself out a sort of talking acquaintance with the
body; every body, however, seeing him, and as he gaunt hero of the Mall. It turned out that the unappeared remarkably depressed in spirits, generous- happy man had appropriated the small fortune he
ly resolved rather to laugh at him than otherwise.  had secured with his wife to the purchase of a comWell-as the Duke of Montague was full of fun-  mission in the army, and had behaved, as they say,
and as nobody, at least of his day, ever equalled -"uncommon well" upon several occasions. But
him in practical trickeries; he resolved, having  what was he among so many?  And after all his
seen this meagre-faced, melancholy animal crawling  unnoticed-and probably unnoticeable-exertions
about, to make him a subject for one of his jokes. in destroying his fellow-creatures for the good of
As the big boy said of the little one at the board- society, there came a peace-and the unfortunate
ing-school, "hit him again, Bill, he han't got no  gentleman with the grizzly wig, tarnished lace, and
friends!"-so the Duke said to himself, "now all somewhat thin-kneed inexpressibles, was consideramy wig-singeing, and nose-blacking exploits, will be bly the worse for the same; inasmuch as besides
completely outdone by the rig (that was the the infliction of half-pay, he had. out of his pittance,
favorite word in the year 1739) I shall run upon  to support, or endeavor to support, a wife and two
this unhappy devil with the tarnished lace."   fine children, all living and thriving as well as they
When a joker wants to joke practically, it adds could at Chesterfield, in Derbyshire —the spire of
very much to the point of the jest to select as a the church of which town, by some malconformavictim somebody upon whom the joke will have the  tion of the lead wherewith it is covered, would
most powerful possible effect, and, therefore, the  make any man, tee-totaller, or not, who looked at
Duke, who was resolved upon his jest, took care to  it, think that he was not quite right in his vision.




AN HONEST PRACTICAL JOKE.                                  873
All these imbranglements conduced very much  shortest notice. Whether the invited of the Duke
to the pleasure which the Duke anticipated in play- availed himself of the opportunity of thus burnishing his trick upon his new victim-a trick which, ing up for the occasion, we know not; or whether
be it observed, for the exceedingly high military  he made a glorious effort at the renovation of his
offices he held, the Duke was, perhaps, the man  well-known wig,
best calculated in the world to execute. The Duke
Which smart when fate was kind,
had taken his measures to ascertain all the facts        Toupeed before and bagg'd behind,
connected with the object of his joke, whose cogno-      Now, spoil'd of all its jaunty pride,
men in the Mall was " Grizzlewig," and, being too        Hangs loose and lank on every side,
good a soldier to think of springing a mine before  history does not record; but what we do know is,
the train was securely laid, it was not for some days that at about three o'clock-late hours for those
after he had made up his mind to the frolic, that he  days-our hero arrived at the Duke of Montague's,
sent a confidential member of his household to in- and was ushered into his grace's presence, till which
vite old Grizzlewig to dinner; but the mere sending  moment, I believe, he never was fully satisfied of
the invitation was nothing-the mad-brained Duke the reality of the invitation.
could not obtain all the pleasure he desired from    Nothing could equal the warmth and amenity of
the surprise, which Grizzlewig must inevitably ex- the Duke's reception; in short, it went beyond the
hibit at the message, unless he himself witnessed  ordinary courtesy and graciousness of a great man
the effect; and therefore, this Master-general of the  to a small one; but in a very few minutes, to poor
Ordnance, this Knight of the Garter, and Grand  Grizzlewig's astonishment, the Duke, leaving a
Master of the Order of the Bath, who moreover much more aristocratic visitor, took him aside, and
was Master of the Great Wardrobe, and a Hitember with an empressement which was extremely stagof the College of Physicians, took the trouble to  gering, said,
watch his envoy, in order to behold the result of his "' You will, I am sure, excuse me;  but-I know
mission.                                        it is rather an impertinent question-are you-forPoor Grizzlewig was seated, as was his wont after give me-are you conscious of having created a
his walk, on one of the now exploded and comfort- sensation in the heart of any lady who has seen you
less seats in the Mall, thinking more of being in the  occasionally, and-"
King's Bench than upon it, when the messenger of    "Sir?" said the visitor.
the Duke approached him. He addressed him, but   " Come, come, come," said the Duke, " don't dewas not noticed-he was prepared for insult, and  ny it. No man is blind enough, or dull enough,
the word Grizzlewig was all he expected to hear; not to know when and where he has planted his
but, upon a gentle repetition of an appeal from his blow; you must remember."
confidential man, the Duke, who was at a conveni-   "Upon my word, sir," replied the guest, who beent distance, saw Grizzlewig start as from a slum- gan to think that his suspicions as to having been
ber, the moment he understood the nature of the  invited only to be laughed at were correct, "I
invitation.                                     know of no such thing!"
The poor gentleman looked astonished-stared    "Well," said the Duke, "then I must let you
about-shook his head as if to rouse himself from  into the secret. There is a lady-a married woman
a nap, in which he had been favored with too sweet -I like to be frank-and with a family; but she
a dream. But, when awakened to a consciousness has-you'll say, as I might perhaps, there is no acof the real state of affairs, his spirits sunk as much  counting for tastes-she has set her heart upon
as on the first blush of the thing they had risen. meeting you. And I will at once tell you what
"The Duke of Montague," thought he, "is a joker may, perhaps, diminish your surprise at having re-I am  selected to be his victim."  Still, for a ceived an invitation from a stranger-your acceptpark-fed gentleman on half-pay, the opportunity of ing which, gives me the greatest pleasure-that it
dining with a nobleman, so highly connected and  was to gratify her wish, I sent to beg of you to
with such power in the army, was not to be lost. come to me to-day."
" Laughed at or not laughed at," said poor Grizzle-   " Sir," said the overwhelmed half-pay officer, " I
wig, "I must go;" and although the Duke had,'a am confident that your grace would do nothing
la distance, seen the effect the invitation produced, either to wound my feelings, or degrade me in my
all that he heard from his messenger.was,'that the  own estimation. I, sir, have a wife and family, degentleman would be too proud -and too happy to  pendent on me, to whom I am devotedly attached;
dine with his grace the next day, as invited.  the thoughts which your grace's observations
Then came a difficulty with our poor friend as to  would naturally inspire, never enter my mind; I
his dress: in these times, that point is by no means have but one hope, one wish, in the world, and that
distressing. The servants who wait upon a com- is centred in my family. I have-"
pany, nowadays, are generally better dressed than    " Ay, ay," interrupted the Duke, "I admire your
the company themselves; and if rank and talent feelings. I respect your affection for your family;
are to give the tone, the higher one looks the but this introduction, this acquaintance, need not
worse it is: we see our greatest men in rank wear- at all interfere with those, now we are in Loning clothes, which their, "own men" would not don."
condescend to, and talent in the most exalted de-   "Yes, sir," said the half-pay captain, "I am-in
gree, wrapped in rags, which till now have been  hopes of getting employed-else —"
appropriated to the scarecrows, whose " danglings"    "Ah," said the Duke, "I never talk of business
out of doors at night, have been more serviceable here; as for that, we must take some other time to
to agriculture, than those of their present wearers discuss it. I merely speak of this affaire de cmeur,
appear to have been to husbandry, within.      and you must let me have my way; if the lady is
In those days, however, Monmouth-street, now  exceedingly disagreeable, turn her off and break
lost to society and history, afforded the temporary  her heart; but I do assure you, upon my honor,
means of shining in temporary splendor on the  that her attachment to you is something so roman



:874                           AN HONEST PRACTICAL JOKE.
tic, that I could not resist the opportunity of bring- in its effect, by his placing the children one on
ing you together."                               either side of him, and treating them with every
"Sir," said the officer, "I —really-but-"     kindness and attention.
"I tell you nothing but truth," said the Duke,   "Come," said his grace, "let us drink wine to"wait and see how much it will be for your advan- gether; let us be happy; take no thought of yestage."                                          terday, my good sir, nor of to-morrow; suffice it to
Dinner was announced: no lady appeared, but say, that here we are met, and may meet again."
when the battants were thrown open, and the Duke,   All these attempts to compose and assure his
and our poor friend Grizzlewig, of the park, entered  grace's visitors were unavailing, except as far as the
the dining-room, judge the half-pay officer's sur- younger ones were concerned, who appeared exprise, when he beheld his own wife and his two  ceedingly well satisfied to take " the goods the gods
darling children.                               provide;" and, without comprehending the extent
"There," said his grace, "that is the lady who  of the kindness with which they found themselves
has the extraordinary prepossession in your favor, treated, naturally followed the advice which the
and two younger ones, not much behind her in af- noble lord had offered to their parents.
fection."                                          While dinner was in progress, the Duke got on
It is impossible to describe the feelings of the  with his guests tolerably well; but he anticipated
little party.                                    the awkwardness which must ensue after the ser"Come," said the Duke, "sit down, sit down, vants had left the room, and the party was left as
and let us dine; you. shall talk afterwards, and ex- it were to itself, although the presence of the two
plain all this to each other, and whatever may be  guests, gentlemen who were in the habit of partakwanting in the narrative, I hope to be able to fur- ing of his grace's hospitality, was purposely secured,
nish."                                           in order to prevent the expression of surprise and
The officer's wife, although prepared for what gratitude of the strangers, which, however much
was to happen, and therefore not so completely  excited and created by what had already passed,
taken aback as her husband, could scarcely support were destined to receive a new stimulus by a sequel
herself, while the two children, unfettered and un- to the frolic extant, as far as it had already gone.
restrained by the laws of etiquette, ran to their as-    Dinner was scarcely ended, and nothing like the
tonished father, and clung round him, in all the  possibility of inquiry or explanation had been perwarmth of youthful affection.                    mitted to occur, when the Duke's attorney-his
The course of the Duke's proceeding had been, homme Gdaffaires, the defender of his rights, and
as soon as he had ascertained the merits and claims the champion of his wrongs-was announced: a
of his guest, to trace out the residence of his lady  nice, good, smug-looking "gent," who was weland the children, and to send a- trusty person down  comed by the Duke, and placed next to the elder
to her, for the purpose of bringing them up to town; daughter of poor dear Grizzlewig, who was, to all
at the same time preventing the possibility of her appearance, still in a state, not exactly of somnamcommunicating the history to her husband.        bulism, for he seemed riveted to his seat by astonTo describe the astonishment, the anxiety, the  ishment, but of somnolency; feeling and thinking,
agitation, of poor dear Grizzlewig, when he found  even up to the last moment, that all the passing
himself all at once thus domesticated, as it were, in  events were the mere fancies of a vision; being
the house of one of the magnates of the land, would  himself constantly hindered from saying any thing
be impossible.  The Duke had invited but two  upon the subject, by the admirable tact of the
frienids to witness the scene. which was heightened  Duke, who kept his retainers always ready to start




ADVENTURE WITH- THEODORE HOO1K.                              875
some new topic of conversation, so as to baffle any   The unfortunate gentleman began to think that
effort of the astonished half-pay officer to lead to the Duke was a most barbarous and unprincipled
the point by which his whole mind was occupied.   person, who could take such pains as he evidently
The joke, however, as we have just hinted, was had done, to put him and his family in a most unnot at its height; for after some preliminary obser- pleasant position. His wife, however, seemed betvations from the noble host, his grace, addressing ter contented with the course affairs were taking,
himself to the attorney, inquired whether he had and made no effort to obey her lord and master's
"brought it with him;" an inquiry which was very mandate for retreat.
respectfully answered in the affirmative.       " Read, sir, read," said the Duke to the attorney,
"Then," said the Duke, "we had better send for who accordingly began in an audible voice, and
pen and ink, and proceed to business without with good emphasis, to recite the contents and condelay."                                       ditions of the deed which he held in his hand, and
Whereupon, the half-pay officer gave his wife a which, in its recital, caused the most extraordinary
family look, as much as to say, that he thought emotions on the part of the half-pay officer and his
they ought to retire; but the diffidence of the lady wife that can be imagined, until, by the time it was
prevented her taking any decisive step, and she concluded, they were both drowned in tears. The
preferred risking the passive impropriety of staying husband, supporting his wife's head upon his palpiwhere she was, to the active measure of quitting tating breast, and the two children clinging round
the room, ignorant as she was of the ways of the them, crying with all their hearts and souls without
house, not only in the moral, but in the literal and knowing why, except that their fond parents had
mechanical sense of the words, and wholly at a loss set them the example.
whither she was to go if she ventured to move from    By the deed, which they had just heard with such
where she was.                                surprise and emotion, the Duke settled upon the
The Duke was too much a man of the world not worthy distressed persons before him, an annuity
to see how extremely uncomfortable his guests which afforded them a competency; and so secured,
were becoming, and how well his frolic was "pro- as regarded survivorship, that the two children who
gressing"-it pleased him mightily, and his pleasure were yet unconscious of their change of fortune,
was considerably heightened, when the attorney, must eventually reap the benefit thus munificently
going close to his chair, began in a low voice, re- bestowed on their father and mother.
citing some part of the bond or deed, or whatever   The scene which followed is one which cannot be
it was, which his noble client was about to execute; described, and which was so embarrassing to the
during which ceremony, his grace kept his eyes sd noble donor, that he broke it up by announcing,
constantly fixed upon his embarrassed visitors, as to himself, that coffee was ready; and in return for the
make them exactly as he hoped and wished, per- acknowledgments and fervent expressions of gratifectly miserable.                             tude on the part of the recipients, merely entreated
"You had better read it out," said the Duke; them to say nothing about it; declaring upon his
"it is by no means a mark of good-breeding to honor, that if he could have found a more agreeawhisper before one's visitors —people always take ble or satisfactory way of employing either his time
things to themselves; and as they are here —"  or his money, he should not have played them such
"My Lord Duke," said the officer, in a perfect a trick.
agony of confusion, "pray permit us to quit the   We presume there scarcely exists a human being
room-I am quite conscious of the intrusion, but so squeamish or fastidious as to find fault with a
really-I-my love-let us retire," added he to his practical joke, qualified and characterized as this
wife.                                         was. Every man has a right to do good after his
" Stay where you are, my good sir," said the own fancy; and if he can so contrive as to make
Duke; "you have often heard of my frolics-I like his benevolence to others produce amusement to
a joke, and I mean to enjoy one to-day, and at himself, nobody surely ought to object to the moyour expense."                                des operandi.
ADVENTURE WITH THEODORE HOOK.
BY LORD WILLIAM LENOX.
Alas poor Yorick I I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. —HMLr.
THE recurrence to my mind of the tender musings consisting of poor Theodore Hook, the late Stephen
of the melancholy prince, followed by the more Price, and another choice spirit, also departed,solemn reflection that my three agreeable compan- one whose talents and kindness of heart, evinced
ions in the well-remembered adventure I am about both in public and private life, entitle him to more
to relate are all now past that bourne which Hamlet than the brief, but honoring tribute, which I must
speaks of, is almost sufficient to set me moralizing here content myself with paying to his character.
at the very opening of my story. That, however,   The worthy American, wrapped in a huge fur
must not be: for gravity and dulness would convey coat, was comfortably ensconced in the corner of a
but a poor tribute to the memory-of the jovial trio small britschka, grumbling, however, not a little at
whose company I enjoyed on the occasion referred the English climate,-" One day, sir, hot enough to
to.                                           roast an ox; following morning at freezing point,
As no cloud was on our spirits, so no cloud was sir."
on the morning; it was a lovely one in the spring    "Come along," said the friend last alluded to;
of 183-. We met, by appointment, to proceed to  "come along, King Stephen, or we shall be lateEpsom for the week; the remainder of the "we' hate to be late!" Suiting the action to the word,




876                          ADVENTURE WITH THEODORE HOOK.
he took the remaining place in the ex-manager's    "I have, most reverend. But where were you last
britschka.                                          Sunday?  I missed you at your accustomed haunt" Hook and I, then, will go together," I observed, lunch after chapel."
as my buggy drove up to the door.                     "Lame, lame-could not get there."
" Of course; Hook and eye always go together,"    " As usual," said Hook.  "Why's the Dean like
was the response of my companion, as he got into  England?  D'ye give it up?-eh!-Because he exinto the vehicle.                                   pects every man to do his duty."
Thus commenced the sport; and off we went.    Dinner was shortly after announced.  The cloth
To repeat all that was said during our drive would  was removed, amidst a rapid shower of smart, causform  a large edition of facetive; the celebrated  tic, and witty sayings, droll stories, retort, and reabridgment of the statutes, in fifty volumes folio, partee; the wine circulated freely, the tide of good
would be nothing to it; it was a regular running  humor "knew no retiring ebb." Plays and politics,
fire.  Pun, anecdote, song, improviso; jests, a cen- wine and women, debts and duels, were discussed
tury old, disinterred, as good as new; venerable Joe  with an absence of all restraint; and then comMillers, revived and decked out in modern fashion- menced a call for a song.  This was pretty soon
able attire; jokes, manufactured on the spot, of responded to by the accomplished Theodore, whose
every conceivable variety and pattern, some bad  talent in this respect is no secret to the world, alenough to take rank with the very best.  So far though the world unfortunately possesses so little
from recounting them, I despair of conveying an  evidence of it beyond the assertions of the more
idea of their profusion. The plainest of pedestrians,  fortunate few who enjoyed his intimacy, and witor the commonest name over a shop door, was suf- nessed the astonishing ease with which he composed
fcient to start him off,                            while he sung.  In this instance, he took for the
"Ah!" said my companion, "'Hawes, Surgeon;' subject of his song, the worthy manager of New
that reminds me of two lines I made on a sawbone  York and Drury Lane celebrity; and after preparof that name during the severe winter of 1814:-   ing us by ringing the changes on his name, he broke
Perpetual freezings and perpetual thaws,        into a measure, and gave us the following, which,
Though bad enough for hips, are good for Hawes.  however, I cannot pretend to say is strictly verbatim
ct literatim:
As we reached Vauxhall bridge, "I wonder if
this bridge pays?" I remarked.  " Go over it, and               THEODORE HOOK'S SONG.
you'll be tolled," replied the ever-ready punster.  Come, fill your glasses up, while I sing a song of prices,
4' So," said he, addressing the gatekeeper, who  And show men's market-value at the date of last advices;
was hoarse, " You haven't recovered your voice  For since'tis pretty clear, you know, that ev'ry man has his
yet?"  "No, sir," was the answer, "I've caught a        price,
fryet  cold."  "ButNo, sir," was the answer, "I've  caught a'Tis well to make inquiries before the terms are riz, Price.
fresh cold."  " But why did you catch a fresh one?"
asked Hook; "why didn't you have it cured?"         Some shabby rogues there are, that are knock'd down at a
On we went, from subject to subject, and pun to         low rice,
Some blockheads so superlative, they can't be sold at no
pun. To show that the unmisgiving perpetrator of         price;
pleasantries innumerable never flinched or threw a  Some, free of soul in youth, sell in middle life at half price,
chance away, the sign of the "Three Ravens," at And some go when they're old-why the devil don't you
Sutton, as we passed it; suggested the reflection —
"That fellow must be raven mad!"                   The world is but an Auction; —if to day we fetch a shy price,
Immediately after, we discerned a party of labor- To-morrow turns the lot about, and shows us worth a high
eri employed in sinking a well.  "What are you        price;
ers employed in sinking a well.  ~' What are y       ou want to know what Learning's worth-you ask me
about?" inquired Hook.  "Boring for water," re-          what is Wit's price?
plied a gaping clod. "' Water's a bore at any time,"  I answer, " Push the claret here, whatever may be its price!"
rejoined Hook; " besides, you're quite wrong-re-  The shortest actors now contrive to get a rather long price,
member the proverb,' Let well alone.'"             And singers too, although sometimes they're hardly worth a
These must serve to convey a passing notion of         song, Price;
the spirit of my companion's commentary on every  With fiddlers, dancers, fresh from France, well liking a John
Bull price,
object we encountered; and this spirit carried us  Though some, when they get nothing, may be said to fetch
gaily into the town of Epsom, which we found             their full price.
crowded to excess. Streams of many-colored life  Where'er you sell, whate'er you sell, when selling seek a
were everywhere mingling and separating.  High           higher price;
life and low life; the thorough-bred team, the ba- But times are changed, I need not say, when you become
rouche and four, the light dennet, the heavy bus, the    the buyer, Price;
For then this truth should in your mind be uppermost and
gaudy van, the hack cab, and the tilted cart. But        clear, Price,
to describe this scene would be to go over old  There are some things and persons that at nothing would be
ground, as it has been pictured a thousand times;        dear, Price.
and the reader, perhaps, will prefer returning with  Don't buy a politician, don't have him at a loan, Price;
our party to the house we had engaged for the week. Nor lawyers, when they tell you, you may take them at
On arriving at the gate, we found seated on a          your own price;
rustic bench a certain individual, having a cigar in  Nor doctors, who, if fashionable, always fetch an even price;
hustis mouth, and by h..ais sideual, glas f wate with  And clear of these, the "'de'il himsel" shall never fetch a
his mouth, and by his side a glass of water, with        Stephen Price.
(for this should not be altogether omitted) just a
sufficient quantity of Glenlivet in it to destroy, as  Your sneaking, sour, insidious knaves-I hope you wont
he  said, the animalculae it might contain.  His  Yofind many, Price,- 
he said, the animalcule it might contain.  His Your Cantwells on the stage of life, don't buy'em in at any
countenance brightened at our approach.                  price;
" Ha! Dean!" said Theodore.                     Go, sell your.brains, if brains you have, and sell'em at a fair
"Ha! Hookems!" responded the other; "have  But price,
But give your hearts away, my boys —don't sell'em at
you brought the ginnums, and the mackerelums?"          whate'er price.




ADVENTURE WITH  THEODORE HOOK.                                  8717
And be men's prices what they may, I now shall just make what shall I do with my hundred-pound note?-I
bold, Price,                                must deposit that at hoe."
To sing it in your presence,-there is nothing like the Old must deposit that at home."
Price;                                        "Never mind that, sir," responded the manager;
As each man has his own, since the days of Madame Eve, $' I'll insure you against losing that hundred." And
Price, h   o                                well he might, seeing that the hundred pound note
Why we have ours-and here he is l —Your health, my jolly 
STEPH. PRICE  was a "forgery of the brain"-a draft on the bank
of fiction, merely circulated to raise us in the esti"Bravo, sir!" exclaimed the delighted hero of mation of the members of the Corinthian Club.
the song, at its conclusion. Sir, will you take forty    Reeling, shouting, singing, we approached Woodpounds a-night, sir, to appear at Drury Lane in your cot Green, and passing a small public house, our
own very particular and devilishly admired piece of guide pointed out the hall of Eblis.  " Excuse me,'Killing no Murder?'"                          gentleman, one moment," he said; and rushing into
"Forty pounds a-night!" cried Hook;-" no, I the bar of the "Running Horse," returned almost
wouldn't take half the money to commit such a instantaneously with a quart bottle peeping out of
barbarity; nay, ten pounds a-night shouldn't tempt his coat pocket. " Brandy, sir," said Price (aside);
me. Killing may be no murder, when the regular "I smell it, sir."  "All righ'!" whispered Hook.
actors combine to destroy an author's production;
but for the dramatist to appear himself in his own
farce, to assist at the assassination of his own child
-to slaughter his tender offspring in public with
malice aforethought-this is the worst of killing —,,,                   y/    1!
Murder most foul, as in the best it is,              g           
But this most foul, strange and unnatural.
" What d'ye say, sir?"
"Nothing; but I make up for it by singing."        
And here, with barely the pause of a minute, followed another song on the then forthcoming Derby,
ending with a line which not even the best sporting   \           ( 11  \
prophet of our day could have improved upon
either in neatness of point or truth of prediction;             *,
for, in allusion to the winner in the approaching
race, (Mr. Forth being the owner of the horse,) the 
singer felicitously prophesied,
The Forth shall be first!
About ten o'clock at night, a ramble through the
town was proposed, and Hook, Price, and myself
strolled towards the " Spread Eagle," to hear the I
state of the odds on the approaching Derby. Just
as we reached the door of that most excellent hostellerie, I was accosted by a man dressed in a gaudy
livery, light green coat, belcher handkerchief, a              -
huge gold hatband, white corduroy "shorts," and
glazed  top-boots,
T CORINTHIAN  CLUB. |who, placing in my    The room we entered was dirty and ill-lighted;
1  *l hands a card, hoped  the di'ngy walls and barred windows formed a locale
FOSTER'S COTTAGE,      that he should have not ill-associated with the crime and wretchedness
the honor of con- it harbored. The pairty assembled consisted of four
Woodcot G,-een~.   ducting me to his individuals, two croupiers and two "bonnets," which,
F R E N C H  H AZA R D.   master's house. By  for the benefit of the uninitiated, I beg to mention
the aid of a large  are confederates dressed as players, to assist in
I BANK 5000.!1       red lamp at a sur- pigeoning the public. In the centre of the room
geon's door, look- hung a gaudy lamp, which threw its oily rays on a
ing like a bull's eye bloodshot, I read the card; it large oblong table covered with green baize, on
ran as per margin.                               which was painted various figures and directions for
"Let's have some fun!" exclaimed Hook, on  those who "stood the hazard of the die;" small
reading this; "Price and I will be drunk on the  bowls of maple wood, two wooden rakes, and sunpremises. Come along, Stephen!"  And in a regu- dry counters, formed its furniture. On a side table,
lar gin-broken voice, he hiccupped out the words graced by a cloth whose particular hue it might be
of Iago's song:                                  difficult to define, the supper was spread: it conKing Stephen was a worthy peer,        sisted of a huge, coarse-looking ham, a few slices of
His breeches cost him but a crown;     raw, gristlv beef, and a bowl of gritty-looking salad.
He held them sixpence all too dear     Then there were two bottles of home-made gooseWith that he called the tailor —loun.
With that he called the tailor-loun.   Then there were two bottles of home-made gooseberry called champagne, a few ditto of soda in a
The "touter" of the real Pandemonium now ap. stable pail, and the identical brandy that we had
proached, and again importuned us; seeing the reel- seen purchased at the " Running Horse."
ing state of my companions, he suggested a glass    "Now, gentlemen, make your game!" exclaimed
of iced soda, which he declared was always ready  the croupier, taking his station on a high-backed
with the supper at the cottage.                  chair at the side of the table: "we bet the odds
"Hurrah for the cottage!" said Hook; "but against nicks and doublets-the dice, Mr. Dunlop."




878                        ADVENTURE WITH THEODORE HOOK.
Upon which, Mr: Dunlop, who was vice-croupier,    "Certainly not," I replied, "at a public gamingopened a packet of dice, containing three pair, and  table; such a thing is unheard of."
shook them together in one of the bowls. Hook    "Nor you?" addressing himself to the American.
took the box, and, putting a few half-crowns upon    "I'll see you-:
the table, cried, "Seven's the main!"  "Seven's a         I shall not say exactly what he said,
nick," said the croupier, at the same time paying         Because it might astonish ears polite.
the stake. " Eight's the main!" "Eight the caster    "Nor you?" turning to the illustrious and fearless
has to five, eight with the quatres; no gentleman Theodore, who at once burst forthon the doublets."  Again the stake was paid.
During this proceeding, I rather fancied Mr. Dun-     Revenge! he cries, and the traitor dies!
lop, who had raked the dice towards him, fingered  shouted Hook, stamping his foot, and giving an imithem in a peculiar manner. In my zeal to prevent tation of an evergreen English singer, in a celePrice putting down his money, I trod so heavily  brated passage from an opera then greatly in vogue.
upon his gouty foot, as to wring from him an ex-    Good night, gentlemen," said King Stephen.
clamation; but he took the hint, and putting his    " Waiter, what's to pay for the brandy?"
money "contre," waited the resiflt of the throw.    "D-  the brandy, sir!" said the man with the
" Seven's the main!" cried the caster.  "Deuce  diamond broach, adjusting his substitute for a threeace!" shouted the croupier, raking up the winnings; and-fourpenny gossamer fiercely upon his head;
"the caster's out."    "e                         we neither want your money nor your company."
"Give me the dice,"'drawled out one of the  And up he rose, rake in hand from  his seat. His
"bonnets,"-" five's the main!"  " Seven the cas- companions also rose, muttering to each other, and
ter has to five-die down, Mr. Dunlop!" for, in the  evidently working themselves into an intensity of
throwing, one of the dice (as I thought, purposely,) passion.
went off the table.                                "I told you what it would come to," said the
" I've got it," he continued, as he went on throw- landlady; "you had better leave the house without
ing-" six to four in favor of the caster-we take making any disturbance  a set of horse-jockeys
it in halves.'  "I'rll bet it!" exclaimed Hook. Up  coming here, to disturb quiet honest people!"
came a deuce ace, two's, three ace aces. I tried in    At another time, I should have thought of the old
vain to see a four, five, or a six, and determined at Latin adagethe end of the throw to inspect the dice, but the
" bonnet" was too wary; for as he threw tray deuce,
he, in a pretended passion, anathematized the dice, but I had no time for classical quotation; for a fray
and threw them into the corfier of the room, where  was obviously about to ensue, concerning which,
they were immediately pounced upon by Mr. Tom- feeling indignant at the insolence and rascality with
kins, the livery servant.                       which we were treated, I was totally indifferent,
" Will any gentleman take any refreshment?" except, indeed, on poor Price's account, whose thews
asked the croupier; "we've a beautiful ham.-  and sinews were ill-qualified for such an adventure.
Tomkins, offer the gentlemen some soda and bran- I started up, however, on seeing the others rise,
dy."                                            and silently turned my cuffs down-an indication
After this oblation, the other "bonnet," who was that I was ready if necessary.  " You sha'nt leave
called Captain Denscol, took the box, and appeared, the house," said the croupier, advancing towards
as far as I could judge, to hold one between his me.  " That remains to be proved," I replied, suitthird finger and the box, making a prodigious rat- ing the action to the word, i. e., putting myself in a
tling with the other.-" Seven's the main!"      posture of defence.
The two bona fide players, Hook and Price, went   Stephen Price, meanwhile, as he saw the tallest
against him, despite my looks and nudges, though  "leg" confront him, behaved with the stoutest metthe result would have been equally the same, as the  tle, or as, Hook would have said, "metal:" for, to
caster could evidently land the dice as he pleased. my infinite amusement, he seized the poker, and
-" Seven's a nick!"                             brandishing it in the air, exclaimed after the man"A cup of weak tea!" said the croupier;-" A  ner, and (as was once observed on a similar imitaglass of sherry and water!" exclaimed Mr. Dunlop; tion) " very much after" the manner of the celebrated
-" Tomkins, open the champagne!"  In a minute, Mackay, the only representative of Scotch characters
a pop and a whiz were heard, and as the ballad  I ever saw-" Ma conscience! what would the deasays-                                           con, my father, say?"
The juice of ripe (gooseberries) flow'd in our glasses. Upon this, Hook, seizing the top of a small saucepan, which he employed as a target, and the tongs,
The senses of my companions being rather more  which he flourished sword-fashion in the most grounder control than they had intended them to ap- tesque way, assumed the form of the Dougal creapear, the little we " imbibed" did not disorder our ture, rushed forward, and, throwing himself on one
wits to the anticipated extent. We were more than  knee, raised his eyes to the ceiling; then, putting
a match for our antagonists, kept our eyes quite  himself into a regular Coburg Theatre cut-andopen, watched all their movements, and avoided de- thrust attitude, spluttered forth some mock Gaelic,
feat. After some perseverance, it was pretty clear ending with " Her nainsell has eaten the town praed
to the knaves that we were further off than ever at the Cross o' Glasgow, and py her troth she'll fight
from being victims to their devices, however know- for Baillie Sharvie at the Clachan of Aberfoil —tat
ingly laid, or dexterously executed. Nay, Price had  will she e'en!" This said, seconding his words with
even realized a small capital and was proposing our deeds, he made his weapon clatter awfully about the
departure, when the rural Crocky, addressing him- ears of the tall "leg."
self to me, said, in a tone of impertinence, " Do    The fray now became general. Greek met Greek,
you or do you not, gentlemen, intend giving us our and the tug of war was terrible; the tables were
revenge?"                                      overthrown, the dice-boxes rattled against the win



MEMS. FOR DINERS OUT.                                      8 9
dows, counters flew, and above all tongs clattered. which, like that of the great warrior of the age, was
Hook's voice was heard, shouting passages from  in our estimation so well conducted, as to "eclipse
half-a-dozen plays at a time:-the very glory of our advance."
Lay on Macduff!              So signal a victory was not, of course, to be
Approach thou like the rugged ruffian Bill,       gained without incurring a few casualties in the
The armed Mendoza, or the late Dutch Sam!         Anglo-American force. Our return of wounded
Oh, this Is sweet,         was-Field Marshal Hook, slightly; Manager Price,
When in one line two crafts together meet!        severely in his gouty foot; myself, not at all danCome, Signor Roderigo, I'm for you!               gerously. The loss sustained by the enemy cannot
Nay, I'll so maul you and your toasting irons,    be so accurately reported; but it is certain that the
That you shall think the devil has come from (or rather to) heads of several "legs" were broken and various
~~hel~~l.~ ~ ~glasses were numbered with the incurable. We
" Hands off! murder! police!" exclaimed the  had succeeded in capturing sundry rakes, dice-boxes,
landlady, rushing in, followed by a slip-shod kitchen  maple bowls, and other implements of the war
wench. With the presence of the fiury, strange to  against society; but these prizes were subsequently
say, came peace, spreading her wings over the scene  abandoned, and left scattered over the battle-field.
of strife and desolation.  It was not, of course, our    * * * Of those who laughed with me that day,
wish to protract the fray, and our adversaries seemed  none remain.  They have illustrated, in their own
equally disposed to capitulate. We stood still; a fate, the brevity of that life which they helped to
truce was by common consent established.  One of make cheerful:-the eccentric divine, the whimthem, acting on the principle of a commissioner in  loving American, the kind-hearted friend,-some
a late national affray, proposed the suspension of there are who yet miss them; but for poor Hook,
hostilities, provided we would refund the numerous whose facetiousness enlivened the dullest, who with
dollars we had won; thus, as in China, making it a the convivial was most jovial of all,-he is ipissed,
most "dolorous" affair. This mercantile proposi- not by a circle, by a party, merelytion, however, we declined, and commenced a retreat        Society droops for the loss of his jest.
MEMS. FOR DINERS OUT.
BY LORD WM. LENOX.
NEVER arrive late at a dinner-party, your host and  doomed to single-blessedness (query, wretchedness),
hostess are apt to get "fussy" at the probability  talk of the folly of youthful marriages, dwell upon
of the dinner being spoilt, and will vent their spleen the absurdity of being taken from the school-room
upon their absent guests. As a matter of course, to the altar, and run the changes upon "childish
extol your Amphytrion's house and furniture, not attachments,"  "too  young to know  their own
forgetting a considerable portion of "soft solder" minds," and "marry in haste, and repent at leisure."
to the hostess in praise of her "lovely progeny."  If a poet, poetess, author or authoress, is placed
Ascertain, if possible, the names and occupations next to you, quote a line, or sentence, if possible,
of all the guests, so that you may be prepared to  of their last work, and talk of it as one of the most
throw in an appropriate word to any one you may  talented productions of the season.  Censure the
chance to get next to. If an antiquated damsel, severity of critics, which will draw forth a reply




880                         A FOOL S ANSWER.  USEFUL HINT,
from the author of "the kindness shown to their pure elector of that immaculate borough of Stafford.
unpretending volume."  If the work is dull, tell " So, Mr. Sheridan, you are about to give us reform;
the writer the right-minded public will, in time, ap- that's right, only think, in some towns there are
preciate, despite of what the snarling critics may  poor fellows, I hear say, that gets nothing at all for
say. If the author has been guilty of "plagiarism,"  their votes; that an't right, and wants reforming
give him or her a catalogue raisonnee of. noble and  altogether. Talking of reform," you may continue,
talented plagiarists, throwing in the reply of Charles " I must tell you a most extraordinary circumstance
the Second, who, when urged not to patronize one  that occurred during the last reign. Lord -  paid
of Dryden's plays, as having been stolen from other a visit to Bedlam; among the inmates was a poor
works, replied, "Steal me such another, and I'll woman, who happened to ask his lordship his name,
patronize it as much as I do honest John's."  If'Oh,' replied the latter,'I'm  Mr. Smith,' giving a
you find yourself next to a youthful poetess, you  travelling name. Nothing more occurred until a
may say of her work what Sir James Mackintosh  few months afterwards, when the same noble lord
said of Corinne, "I swallow it slowly, that I may  paid another visit to the same place. The woman
taste every drop."  If chance places a military man  already alluded to approached his lordship, and in a
next to you, lead him on to talk of drills and pipe- voice that savored little of insanity, said,' You gave
clay-the duke and the peninsula, of course pro- me a false name when last you were here; but let
nonncing the corps to which your neighbor belongs that pass.' The kind-hearted nobleman assured the
to be one of the finest in her majesty's service. If  poor sufferer that he had meant no harm. She proa naval hero is your neighbor, talk of Nelson, Howe, ceeded,' No, you are too warm-hearted to mean to
and Collingwood, and listen to his yarns of the sea, act unkindly; but will you do me a favor? I am
and dangers of the deep. If a traveller is placed  mad-I feel it-I know it, although often I am pernext to you, journey with him over his beaten track, fectly collected, yet I should not be safe at large;
and urge him to publish his journals. With a law- but will you tell the king, mad, insane as I often am,
yer, be brief; they are more accustomed to talk  I never was half so mad as he was when he put his
than to listen. With a turf-hunter, drop in acci- name to the Reform bill."' An electioneering anecdentally that you thought you saw him the day  dote or two may follow this; but be sure they are
before in the park, which will give him a cue, to  short and pithy-always bear in mind the Prince
commence his narrations of high-bred dames and  of Denmark's instructions to  the players, vide
nobles with whom he is on the most intimate terms. Hamlet.
In short, suit your conversation to your company.   In some societies jocose stories tell well. The best
Respecting anecdotes, have a certain number stored  way of introducing them is to mention poor James
up in your memory, ready to do their duty when  Smith, and the never-to-be-forgotten  Theodore.
called upon: but be particularly careful never to  Then you may rattle off a volley of their best saylug in one of them out of place, but be equally  ings-" Walking one day with Hook, in winter, we
prompt, whenever an opportunity occurs, to avail passed a shop with the name of Hawes:'Oh,' said
yourself of it. Thus, the conversation turns upon  Theodore,'fine weather for the surgeons-a nice
Wellington, you immediately begin-" I heard a practice, I've no doubt, during the frostmost characteristic anecdote of the great man late-     Perpetal freezings and perpetal thaws,
ly: Commander Hall of her majesty's yacht, who          Though bad for Hips, are good for tha8s.
had' done the state some service' in China, was
anxious to be presented to the hero of a hundred  Before I had finished laughing, the name of Thurfights, upon an occasion in which the duke went on  tell, the murderer of Weare, was named.'Ay,'
board the Victoria and Albert. The name of the  asked Hook,'of course you know why he used an
commander was mentioned to the duke, who said  air-gun?''No,' I replied.'Because he wished to
he should be delighted to be introduced to the gal- kill Weare without Noyse; or,' he continued,' like
lant officer.  The vainqueur des vainqueurs went an old coat?-because he was the worse for wear'
through the yacht, and was about to leave it, when  (Weare). Our conversation then turned upon the
he turned round to the captain, and said, introduce  burning-of the Exeter Theatre.'Ay,' said Hook,
me to your commander. The ceremony took place.'That's quite theatrical-enter a fire; exit a thea-'Happy to know you, Commander Hall. You are a tre,"' (Exeter Theatre.)
brave fellow; fought like a hero in the Nemesis, in    Be careful of risking a pun as your own; you
China. Gallant, gallant. God bless you,' holding  can introduce it in the following manner-" A friend
out his hand at the same time. The son of Neptune  of mine said a tolerable good thing last week," then
warmly grasped the veteran warrior's hand, exclaim- give your pun; if it flashes in the pan, you of course
ing,'I would rather have that blessing than that of add, "Well, I myself did not see the wit of it,
the Archbishop of Canterbury, and all the bishops though all the party laughed."  If it goes off brilput together."'                                 liantly, when asked, who's your friend? you may
After telling your story, wait (as the professed  say, "One's often worst friend, myself."
actors do) for the applause, and do not be carried    Reader, study the above axioms, and I have no
away by it, or be led to tell another story, until an  doubt you will shortly become a truly popular dinerequally favorable opportunity occurs. If the sub- out.
ject turns upon politics, quote Sheridan and the
A FOOL's ANSWER.-" HOW shameful it is that   USEFUL HINT. —The art of conversation consists
you should fall asleep," said a dull preacher to a in the exercise of two fine qualities. You must origdrowsy audience, " whilst that poor idiot is awake inate, and you must sympathise; you must possess,
and attentive."  " I would have been asleep, too, at the same time, the habits of communicating and
said the fool, " if I had not been an idiot."   listening. The union is rare, but irresistible.




DELICATE ATTENTIONS.                                    881
DELICATE ATTENTIONS.
BY JOHN POOLE.
"WHY, Gingerly!" exclaimed Tom Damper, as    " To be sure you can," replied Gingerly.
he entered the public drawing-room at Mrs. Bustle's   "It is old Widow Swillswallow, who eats and
Boarding House, at Brighton; " Why Gingerly! drinks from morning till night, and is heard by all
this is one of the finest days of the season, all the  in the house, snoring from night till morning."
world is out enjoying it, yet here are you, at three    "Faugh!" exclaimed Gingerly, with a shudder of
o'clock, sitting alone, on the self-same chair, in the  disgust.
self-same attitude, and looking through the self-   "Or old Miss Fubsworth, who was born on the
same pane of glass, as at eleven this morning when  day of the coronation of George the Third?"
I left you. What ails you?"                        "Absurd!" exclaimed Gingerly.
Gingerly made no reply; but breathed on one of    " Then it must be old Widow Waddilove; for'she
the panes of glass, drew the letter B on it with his is the only other lady-lodger here."
forefinger, and heaved a sigh.                     "Preposterous!" cried Gingerly, somewhat an"You are the oddest fellow in the universe," con- grily. " Old this, and old that! Is there nobody else
tinued Damper.  "We have been here nearly a you can think of?"
month, yet, since about the third day after our arri-    " There is but one other," replied Damper; " in
val, you have hardly stirred out of the house."  which case I am sorry for you. You have not the
"It is a very nice house," said Gingerly; and he  slightest chance in that quarter; for Mrs. Bustle is
heaved a heavier sigh than before.               engaged to be married to Captain O'Popper."
"It was at my recommendation you came to it,"    "Mistress Bustle! Pooh!  Can't you think of
said Damper; "but though I am not insensible to  one more."
the merits of the inside of it, its outside also has    "There is not one more, except, indeed, her
many charms for me.  Again I ask, what ails daughter, Betsy."
you?"                                             "Well?" said Gingerly.
"Damper!" said Gingerly.                       "Well?" echoed Damper. "You can't be think" Well."                                      ing of her."
"Damper!" repeated Gingerly, with a sigh.       "And why not?  She is very pretty."
" You said that before."                         "True," replied Damper; "but you forget that
" Damper-were you ever in love?"             she is also very young."
"I was never out of it till I had turned five-and-    "No," said Gingerly; "that's the very thing I
forty; but being, at this present talking, within two  am thinking about. She is eighteen: a delicious
-months of fifty, and a bachelor moreover, I should  age! Surely,, now, you don't pretend that a girl
think myself a fool were I in sulch a scrape now. of eighteen is too young for me?"
You, who are by five years my senior, of course are    "Not a day," replied Damper, somewhat drily;
not."                                            "but I, who am your junior, should think myself
Gingerly made no reply; but, sighing profoundly, too old for a girl of eighteen."
took his handkerchief from his pocket and smeared    "I don't care for that, my good friend. I am
out the large, flourishing B which he had just be- my own master, have an unencumbered nine hunfore drawn. There was a pause of a minute.       dred a-year, am not troubled with a relation in the
"Damper-may I trust you with a secret?"      world-and-and-in short, I'm resolved to marry' Yes-so it be not a love confidence."        Betsy Bustle."  Saying which, he flourished half-a"In that case, my dear friend, I shall have no- dozen B's with an air of unconquerable determinathing to thank you for."                        tion.
"Seriously now, -my dear Gingerly, do you mean    Damper gave him a twirl round, and stared him
to say you are in love?"                       full in the face.
Gingerly expended another sigh, again turned    "Gingerly," said he; "if your head were not as
towards his favorite pane, and re-instated his big  bald of hair as an apple, I should advise you to go
bouncing B.                                      this moment and get it shaved, for you are mad" O, Damper!" at length he exclaimed, " if you stark, staring mad. Fifty-five and eighteen! If you
had a heart you would feel for me."             do marry Miss Bustle, my fine fellow, look out for
"I should if I saw you hanging, or drowning, or squalls."
suffering under any reasonable trouble; but to feel   "Of course," replied Gingerly, with a look of exfor an old bachelor of fifty-five in love, and for the  treme simplicity; "I must expect that our children
first time in his life, too!-Ridiculous! But, come; will squall just the same as other people's."
I suppose I must listen to you, so tell me all about   "You misunderstand me; I say if you do marry
it."                                            Betsy Bustle, remember that there is already a
"And who so proper as you for the confidence, lover in the case."
when you are to blame for the accident!"          "Damper, don't say so," cried Gingerly.
"I!" exclaimed Damper, with unfeigned sur-   "There is," continued the consoling friend;
prise.                                           " there is, or I am much mistaken. A favored lover
" Yes, you," answered Gingerly; " because, but too: favored by the daughter, by the mother, and,
for your recommendation, I never should have set which is of no little importance, by Captain O'Popfoot in Mrs. Bustle's boarding-house."          per also-the Captain, as you know, being as much
" So, then, it is some one in this house, who has master here as if he and Mrs. Bustle were already
smitten your susceptible old heart?" said Damper, united."
with a laugh. And he continued: " I think I can    Gingerly turned pale, and big drops rolled from his
name the tender fair one."                      brow. For some time he was unable to speak. At




882                                DELICATE ATTENTIONS.
length, with faltering voice, he inquired of Damper she thought of me. If she did, she is mine. That
what grounds he had for his belief.              I call both delicate and ingenious."
"Chiefly this,". replied the latter: "I have fre-   At this moment Miss Betsy entered the room,
quently heard her speak to her mother about a cer- and, greatly to the satisfaction of Gingerly, with a
tain George; and from the tone in which she always volume of "The Timid Lover" in her hand. Ginutters the name    "                             gerly whispered to his friend that now was the time
"Then I am the happiest man alive!" joyfully  for the experiment; he cast a look of ludicrous tenexclaimed Gingerly.  "My name is George."        derness at the young lady, stammered a few words
"But," said the imperturbable friend, "she some- which were utterly unintelligible, and went out for
times speaks of him as' young George."          a walk; but with the intention of soon returning to
"And what then? I never told her my age; and  learn the result of Damper's inquiries.
she is not obliged to know that I am fifty, or so. I    "What a funny gentleman!" exclaimed Miss Bustell you what, Damper; that I am the object of her tle, as Gingerly made his retiring bow.
tender thoughts I am now certain-that is to say,    "Funny!" thought Damper; "that is not a very
almost certain. Now I would have proof of it, and  promising epithet for the timid'lover."
that you must obtain for me."                      " His manners are much altered since he first
"I have already told you I will have nothing to  came here," continued Miss Bustle. " Then he was
do with a love confidence," coolly replied Damper.  very talkative; now he scarcely ever utters a word.
"But you must, my dear Damper; for this once  And he gives one such comical looks, too! Captain
you must —unless you wish to see your poor friend  O'Popper said yesterday that one would think he
throw himself from the head of the chain-pier souse  is casting sheep's eyes at somebody or otherinto the sea."                                   though I don't know what that means. But he is a
As Gingerly uttered these words with something  nice old man, after all. I wonder, though, he does
like earnestness, his friend, unwilling to be acces- not wear a wig; his old bald head shines so one can
sory to such a catastrophe, consented, after some  almost see one's face in it. I don't think,such a
further entreaty, to undertake the task:-not with- very bald head is pretty."
out thinking to himself that should Gingerly actual-, It will not be expected that Damper wa" much
ly marry the girl, he would be the greatest fool in  encouraged by these observations to proceed on his
the universe —excepting only the girl herself for friend's behalf; but, having undertaken his cause,
marrying him.                                    he resolved against abandoning it.
"Now," said Gingerly, "I must first of all con-    "Miss Bustle," said he, "you are mistaken confess to you that I am the most timid man alive-I cerning Mr. Gingerly on one point: he is not oldmean in love matters-and that is why I have never not remarkably old."
popped the question to mortal woman. Indeed, as    "Dear me!" exclaimed Miss Bustle; "how one
to popping the question at all, it is a thing I could  may be deceived by appearances!  He looks a
not do, were I to live a thousand years. Pop! To  great deal older than my poor, dear, dead-and-gone
a delicate-minded man the very word itself is a hor- grandpapa, who was sixty-three when he died."
rid word. I could as soon pop a pistol at a woman's    " He is nothing like so old as that," said Damper;
head, as the question at her heart. No: if I succeed, " and then, Miss Bustle-and then, he is rich." This
as I am sure I shall, in ensnaring the heart of my  last word did Damper emphasize in a way to procharming Betsy, it will be, not by any daring ma- duce an effect-and so it did.
noeuvre, but by sly approaches, by little gallantries,   " Rich!" responded Miss Bustle; "is he indeed?
by delicate attentions, such as the female heart only  Lord! how I should like to have him-for a grandcan appreciate, such as no female heart can resist."  papa. I dare say he is very kind to his grand"And when do you mean to begin?" said Dam- children."
per.                                               The learned advocate perceiving that he had taken
"I shall astonish you, my dear fellow, I know I nothing by his motion, fell back upon the point on
shall: I have begun. I have already made one step  which he had been chiefly instructed; and merely
in advance, and I flatter myself you will give me  explaining by the way, that as his friend was unsome credit for the ingenuity of it. You know the  married, it was impossible he should have children,
new novel that every body is talking about-' The  and that, therefore, grandchildren were out of the
Timid Lover.'  Well; the hero, Mortimer Saint- question, he went at once to the subject of the
Aubyn de Mowbray Fitz-Eustaceville, is a character book.
exactly resembling me-timid as I am-something    "Is that a new work you are reading, Miss Bustle?"
younger, to be sure; but that does not signify-and    "Yes, Sir; it is the' Timid Lover,' and is only
the heroine is very much like Miss Bustle. Yester- just out."
day I bought the book —paid a guinea and-a-half    " You are fortunate in getting it so early from a
for it, as I hope to be saved: and sent it anony- circulating-library," observed Damper, pretending
mously to Betsy-anonymously-do you mark the  ignorance of the fact.
delicate attention?"                              "Anxious as I was to read it, I might have wait"I do," replied Damper; "but, for the life of ed six weeks for it had I depended on the library,
me, I can't discover the ingenuity of the proceed- and after all, perhaps, have been obliged to read
ing."                                           thq third volume first.  No, Sir, it is a present;
"It consists in this-and that is the point you  and, although it came anonymously, I know very
must assist me in. Nearly at the end of the first well who sent it. What delicate attention! Oh!"
volume there is a situation of great interest, where  And here the young lady placed her hand upon her
the timid lover first hints at his passion for the hero- heart, and sighed.
ine. I put a piece of paper into the book to mark the    Bravo! thought Damper; this will do. "And
place, and Miss Bustle must have noticed it. Now  pray Miss," said he, " is there not in it one situation
I want you to draw from her whether, in reading  of peculiar interest? I mean that where the timid
that passage-for I saw her reading it last night- lover first hints at his passion for the heroine?"




DELICATE ATTENTIONS.                                   883
"It is charming," replied Miss Betsy; "It abso- ed Mrs. Bustle. Captain O'Popper did the honors
lutely drew tears from me!"                    at the bottom. At his left was the lovely Betsy,
"And did you think of no one-no one —whilst and next to her was a young man of about threeyou were reading it?" inquired Damper.         and-twenty.  This gentleman wore a blue frock"Indeed I did; and I'll tell you in confidence, coat of military cut, a buff waistcoat, and a miliwho it was. I thought all the way through of Mr. tary stock. He was dark; not ill-looking; had a
Gingerly."                                      profusion of black hair; huge whiskers; and mus"Well, thought Damper; there is no accounting  tachios of the fiercest:-such, indeed, as might well
for the freaks of the heart! And that my old friend  have excited the envy of one of Napoleon's Old
should make a conquest of one of the prettiest girls Guard. He smelt strong of cigar, and was clerk to
in Brighton!"                                   an attorney at Shoreham. This personage was no
"The two characters are so alike! except," con- other than George-the George-Mr. George Hobnill.
tinued Miss Bustle, "that Mr. Gingerly is rather the    Gingerly cast a longing look towards the end of
elder of the two."                              the table where was seated his beloved, but there
"Yes, yes; I admit that my friend is a little older was not a vacant place within eight of her. Mr.
than the hero, Mortimer Saint-Aubyn de Mowbray  Hobnill, who occupied the seat for which the forFitz-Eustaceville is represented to be."        mer would have given one of his ears, and whom
"' What!" exclaimed Miss Betsy, bursting into an  he now saw for the first time, he inwardly wished
immoderate fit of laughter; " think of him as the  -a long way further off than Shoreham.
divine Fitz-Eustaceville!  Shocking!  No; what   " Mr. Gingerly," cried Mrs. Bustle, -" as I know
made me think of him was the nasty old rival, Lord  you are a lady's man, I have reserved that seat for
Grumblethorpe, who comes in at the critical mo- you. You are fortunate to-day in having a lady on
ment, and prevents the declaration of love. But each side of you."  This she uttered in a tone of
Fitz-Eustaceville is so like a certain person!  But patronage: at the same time pointing- to a vacant
wasn't it a delicate attention, Mr. Damper, on the  chair between Gingerly's prime horrors-Old Widow
part of the friend who sent me the books? And, Swillswallow and Miss Fubsworth.  Damper was
then, to put a slip of paper into that very place! placed next to Widow Waddilove.
Oh! it speaks volumes!!"                         " Come, Mr. G.,"  mumbled Miss Fubsworth,
At this moment, Mr. Gingerly returned; and Miss "come between us ladies. We old folks are always
Bustle being summoned by a servant to go to her best together."
mamma, he and Mr. Damper were left together.      The earth did not open and swallow Mr. Gingerly
"Well," eagerly cried the timid lover; " well, at a gulp, as he wished it might, for at the moment
have you sounded her?"                         of the utterance of these words, his eyes met those.
"I have," was the reply.                      of Miss Bustle.
"She has read the passage in question?"        The dinner was provided with the usual boarding"Every syllable of it."                       house munificence. First, was served a huge white
"Did it produce any effect upon her?"        earthenware tureen, full to the brim of a thin nan"' Tremendous!"                              keen-colored liquid, on the surface of which floated
"Did she cry? That's the great point. Did she a few chips of toasted bread. Mrs. Bustle, as she
cry?"                                          distributed this in copious.portions amongst the
" A bucket-full!"                             company, commended her cook for her culinary
"You delight me, my dear Damper. Did she  ability in general, but chiefly praised her for the exnotice the bit of paper?  Did she speak of me? cellence of her "gravy soup!"
Did she remark upon the delicate attention?"     "The only good gravy-soup in all Brighton," ex-' Yes, yes, yes, yes," impatiently replied Damper. claimed Captain O'Popper; "and I'm just waiting
"And, now, pray don't tease me any more about to hear who'll say the contrary."  This proposition,
it."                                            uttered with an unquestionable brogue, was univer" But my dear, dear Damper; did she speak much  sally granted: at least, nobody said the contrary.
about me? and what was it she said?"            Then came three soles to be divided amongst fif" Why-not much; but what she did say was teen bodies. This seemed to be a difficult operation;
quite conclusive."                              but Mrs. Bustle performed it with a degree of inge" I told you so: I knew that by a little ingenious nuity which would have done honor to the mistress
contrivance, by a few delicate attentions, I should  of any boarding-house in England. Two or three
make my way to her heart."                      times, in the course of her occupation, she took
" Now, my good friend," said Damper gravely, occasion to say that this was "the poorest fish-day
"prepare yourself for a   " Damper's speech, she had ever known in Brighton."
the tendency of which would doubtless have been    " The only three soles in the market-barring the
to undeceive his self-deluded friend, was cut short other three we let go to the Pavilion," said the Capby the dinner bell; and, as they descended to the  tain.
dining-room, Gingerly declared his intention to    Next appeared, at one end of the table, a roast
spare neither pains nor expense to win (in his own leg of mutton; and, at the other, a dish containing
delicate way) the affections of Miss Betsy Bustle. some five or six mutton-chops —very broad and
Damper sighed for the infatuation of poor Gingerly, very thick, with long tails of fat and gristle dependand resolved, in his own mind, to save him from  ing from the narrow ends of them. These were inany aggravated disappointment, by repeating to  terspersed with thick slices of raw onion, and were
him, at the earliest opportunity, and word for word, described by Mrs. Bustle as "Cutlets ally sauce
all that had passed in his conversation with the peekong"-a dish for which her cook was "particuyoung lady.                                     larly famous!"
When the friends entered the dining-room, they    "Peekong!" responded the Captain. "You may
found the places, all except two, occupied. These  well say peekong, Madam! and I don't think there's
were near the head of the table, at which was seat- anybody here will contradict that."




884                                DELICATE ATTENTIONS.
The dinner was completed by an enormous [look- dear George, and of course * * been any one else
ing] gooseberry pie, which derived its name from  * * insolent monster! * * delicate attention."
the half-pint of gooseberries discovered  at the    "* * will think so, why aw, * * "
bottom  of the dish when, after some difficulty, a    "Now that's quite sufficient to * * O, George!
breach had been effected through the thick, hard  * * elegant expedient * * fully appreciated * *
crust over the top of it; together with twelve  even had I ever given you cause to doubt; but, now
stringy radishes, one lettuce divided into quarters, * * susceptible heart * * so very delicate an attenand a small glass bowl-full of lumps of yellow- tion * *yes, dear George, for ever!"
looking cheese, of mouse-trap size and Mac-adam    Could there have been the smallest doubt upon
substance.                                       any disinterested mind as to the filling-up of this
" Shy fare again, to-day!" muttered a quiet little  short conversation, or to the terms upon which it
gentleman at table.                              implied the whisperers to stand in relation to each
"Shy what, Sir!" exclaimed the Captain. "What's  other, it must have been removed by the unequivshy, Sir? And, by the powers! is it'shy' you are  ocal twist with which Mr. Hobnill indulged his mussaying?"                                       tachios at its conclusion.  But Gingerly was not in
"I —I only spoke, Captain," mildly replied the  a condition to think rationally.  How could he?
gentleman.                                       He was in love. He complained of the oppressive"I'm satisfied, Sir," said Captain O'Popper.  ness of the heat; expressed his conviction that the
"I declare, Mr. Gingerly," said Mrs. Bustle, " you  thermometer must suddenly have risen from seventyhave eaten no dinner: I really believe you are in  five to a hundred; drew his handkerchief from his
love."                                           pocket, and wiped the perspiration from his glossy,
Gingerly was preparing a languishing look for the  bald head. The next minute, he wondered what
especial service of Miss Betsy, when the effort was could make him feel so cold. Damper recommendparalyzed by the Captain's-                      ed him to leave the room. It was not the room,
"Mr. Gingerly in love!  Ha, ha, ha!  At his however, that produced these extraordinary sentime of life! Ha, ha, ha! Well! better late than  sations in him; it was part of the company. But
never, eh! my old Trojan?  Ah! those sheep's lovers, like drowning men, will catch at the slighteyes of your own, Daddy Gingerly! I say, Miss est chance of salvation.  "I will have proof more
Fubsworth!-Mrs. Swillswallow!-take care of your relative than this," mentally ejaculated he.  He
hearts, ladies! Or, come, Daddy; is it Mrs. Waddi- bethought him of the torn paper in Zadig, one-half
love you may happen to be after?"                of which, when read by itself, was a cutting satire,
"Sir, I-a-I beg, Sir-a-I must desire-" said  but, when joined to the other, the whole turned out
-Gingerly, (assuming as dignified an air as his min- to be nothing more than an innocent love poem.
gled confusion and vexation would allow)-" these  So may it be in this case, thought he: there was
liberties Sir,-a-I -"                            something which, certainly, was not quite agreeable
The Captain, a good-natured man at heart, per- in what I did hear; but had I heard all that passed
ceiving that he had given pain, apologised-though  it would have been a different affair. And, herewith far better intention than tact.             upon, he rubbed his hands and proposed to Damper
"Mr. Gingerly, Sir; I'm sorry you have taken se- that they should have a bottle of port together. The
riously what I meant only in joke." [Mr. Gingerly  wine was brought; and, according to the amiable
bowed, and the Captain continued.] "I was wrong  fashion of boarding-houses, it played pendulum
though, and I'm prepared to confess it."  Here Mr. across the table, vibrating between him  and his
Gingerly bowed again.]  "I had no right to take a partner. And did he not invite the ladies on either
freedom with a perfect gentleman like you, Sir,"-  side of him to take wine?  No. And out of this
[Mr. Gingerly bowed almost down to the table,]-   marked neglect of them, he drew occasion for a
" who are old enough to be my grandfather; "-[Mr. delicate hint as to the real direction which his affecGingerly did not bow.]-" and I ask your pardon."  tions had taken. He filled a glass, gave it to a serTwo maid-servants coming into the room  with  vant, and, in a hesitating, indistinct way, said somethe dessert-one bringing a plate of apples, and  thing to her; at the same time pointing in the
the other a plate of biscuits? —diverted the atten- direction where Miss Bustle was placed. The girl
tion of the company from the affair; and Mr. Gin- crossed the room, and stood, with the salver in her
gerly availed himself of that opportunity to be  hand, between the young lady (who was intently
seized with a fit of coughing, and to cover his face  occupied in paring an apple) and Mr. Hobnill. To
with his handkerchief. When he had recovered  Gingerly this was an awful moment. He felt that
from this attack, he had the gratification of hearing  he was committing a declaration. His tongue clove
the following portion of a conversation between Mr. to the roof of his mouth: not a syllable could he
Hobnill and Miss Bustle. As it was carried on in  utter. He screwed his lips up to the circumference
an under-tone he heard no more of it than is here  of a pin-hole, looked hearts and darts, but dared
reported.                                       not, for some time, raise his eyes from the table;
"Now don't deny it, George."                  and when, at length, he did, they met those of Mr.
" Paw my life, not the slightest ideor."      Hobnill!
"I'm  certain * * because * * Fitz-Eustaceville    "Yow are vastly pawlite. With great pleashaw,"
* * slip of paper * * if any one else dared, the  said Mr. Hobnill, as he took the glass.  "Your
consequences would * * Captain O' Popper * *  good health, Mr. Ginjawberry."
style of the thing * * so like you, you creature!"  Ere Mr. Ginjawberry, (as he was miscalled by
"If you won't believe me, I can't help * * Paw  his rival) had recovered from the shock occasioned
my honor * * piece of impawtinence * * horsewhip  by the failure of this delicate little attention, (to
* * really not the least ideor."                say nothing of seeing his wine swallowed by the
"Now it's of no use, George * * sweetly pretty  man of all others for whom he could heartily have
* * I knew you'd deny it * * if you were to swear wished it had been poison,) Miss Betsy had finished
it, I wouldn't * * folly to deny * * you have a right, her operation on the apple.




DEIICATE ATTENTIONS.                                 885
"There, George," said she, as she presented it to  it you have not a chance. You have his black bushy
tHobnill, "haven't I done it nicely for you?"  head, huge whiskers, and fierce mustachios, together
"Whatever you do, must be nicely done," replied  with your own superabundant thirty-odd years
the favored youth.                            against you. So give it up, my dear fellow; like a
" Now, Geotge, that is so like you: you do say sensible man, give it up at once."
the most elegant things!"                      " No," replied Gingerly; "I am more determined
Gingerly swallowed the glass of wine which stood upon the point than before. The affair is taking
before him; filled again and swallowed that; filled precisely the turn I could have wished. I did not
again and would have done the same thing, had not expect her to surrender at the first shot-I should
Damper, who had observed him, proposed that they have been disgusted if she had done so. But her
should walk.                                  reserve! her modesty! Did you not observe her
Betsy, who had caught the word, intimated to timid acquiescence in my invitation to walk?"
her mamma that, as she had not been out all day,   "' Timid acquiescence,' you call it! Unequivocal
she also should like a walk. Gingerly, emboldened repugnance."
by what he could not help considering as a delicate   "Maiden coyness, I tell you. And then, that
hint on the part of the young lady, and, perhaps, natural little piece of girlish hypocrisy, resorted to
rendered somewhat less diffident by the wine he had for the purpose of concealing her real feelings!
taken, asked permission to offer the young lady his Did you mark that? I mean her pretending to prearm.                                          fer a walk with that insignificant, impertinent, ill"Surely," said Mrs. Bustle.                 bred, vulgar! D-n the ugly rascal!-DamGingerly was on his legs in an instant; and cast a per, if Mrs. Bustle allows fellows of that sort to sit
look at his friend Damper, which, literally interpret- down at her table, no gentleman will remain in her
ed, meant, "What is your opinion of affairs now?"   house. We'll go home at once and tell her so. No,
"O dear! mamma," exclaimed Miss Betsy, " im- no: George Gingerly is not the man to give in to a
possible! only think! —The idea, you know!"  rival of that stamp."
"Nonsense! my love," replied Mrs. Bustle;   "Go-on, if you will," said Damper; "but the
"there can be no sort of impropriety in your walk- further you proceed, the more uncomfortable you
ing with Mr. Gingerly."                       will find yourself."
Confound her impudence," muttered Gingerly.    "By dint of delicate attentions," said Gingerly,
" None in the least, Betsy," said the Captain; "it "I'll carry her against the world!"
is not as if   "                                "And well have your'delicate attentions' already
"Captain O'Popper," said Gingerly, eagerly inter- served you!" exclaimed the consoling Damper.
rupting him, as if apprehensive of a disagreeable  " The first-the book-has turned to the advantage
conclusion to the speech; " Captain O'Popper, I-a of the amiable Mr. George Hobnill, who, spite of his
-Miss Bustle and I-a-"  Then turning to Hob- own resolute abnegation, is enjoying the entire credit
nill, he said in a taking-it-for-granted tone and with  of it."
somewhat of an air of triumph,-" You are going    "Not he!" replied Gingerly; "a coarse-minded
back to Shoreham, Sir."                       fellow, like that, would never be suspected of any
" Paw my life," replied Hobnill (half addressing  thing half so elegant. Though-ahem! it is possihimself to Betsy)-" Paw my life, I hardly-I am  ble I might have cut that a little too fine. But the
not pawsitively obliged, but —"               second-the wine-what say you to that?  Fifty
"No, no, George," said Betsy; "there is no oc- guineas to a shilling, if that Hobnill, or hobnail, or
casion for your returning to-night. Come and take whatever his vulgar name may be, had not swallowed
one turn with this gentleman and me on the Chain- it at the very moment when —But I'll punish the
pier; and when we have brought him home again, fellow, if I meet him again.  I'll overwhelm him
I shall want you to walk with me to my Aunt with ridicule, and break his heart that way: I'll call
Heathfield's at Preston."                     him Hobnail!"
"I am afraid, my love," said the considerate   It was half-past nine. they returned to their
mamma, "you will be too tired to go to Preston this quarters at Mrs. Bustle's.  In the drawing-room
evening, if you walk much now."               they found the Captain and Mrs. Bustle, in one cor"So I should, mamma," eagerly replied Miss Bus- ner, playing cribbage; and, in another, was the
tie; " so I think I had better walk by-and-by in- quiet little gentleman, fast asleep, with a newspaper
stead. Hadn't we, George?"                    on his knee. Reclining on a sofa was a youngish
"Tired!" exclaimed the Captain. "It's mighty man, evidently dressed at some leader of fashion
ridiculous for young people to talk about being tired. who unquestionably knew what he himself was
What is it you are made of? Why, look at Mr. about; whilst the costume of the imitator, apGingerly there! He does not appear to be very proaching, though but very little, towards caricastrong on the pins; yet I dare say he, even at his ture, proved that lie (the imitator) did not. This
age, could contrive to walk that much."       exquisite was engaged in picking his teeth; and (as
Again was Gingerly seized with a fit of coughing, a subsidiary employment) skimming a new novel
which compelled him to conceal his face with his which he had just procured from a circulating librahandkerchief.                                 ry. For the benefit of future readers, as well as to
" I hope, my dear Gingerly," said Damper to him, exhibit his own fine taste and profound judgment,
as they were taking a stroll along the Marine Parade, he occasionally made a pencil-note in the margin.
"I hope that, by what you have observed this after- These notes were brief but pithy: as "What stuff!"
noon, you are cured of your folly. I speak to you " Not so bad." " You don't say so?" " I shouldn't
as a friend, and with a friend's freedom. I observed wonder!" " Tolarible good!" "Abommanubble bad!"
all that passed, though, for want of opportunity, I The commentator (as he afterwards turned out to
made no remark to you upon it.'Tis clear the girl be) was one of the " Sweetly-pootty-petturn-Mem "
likes that vulgar puppy, that impudent attorney-ling, gentlemen from the Emporium of Fashion in Reand looks on him as an Apollo upon earth. Rely on gent Street. But the principal group in the room




886                               DELICATE ATTENTIONS.
consisted of four elderly ladies in petticoats, and    "Good night, Mr. Ginjawbread," replied Hobnill,
three other old women in trowsers, who were squab- and there was a general laugh.
bling at a game of pennyloo, and, in the best-bred    Utterly confused, bowing very low, placing his
way imaginable, accusing each other of cheating!   hand upon his heart, and attempting to look-a
Gingerly looked around him in the hope of find- look — he stammered forth, " May light slum-Miss
ing Miss Betsy, but she was not present. "Then,"  Bet-I mean Miss Eliz-Miss-May your downy
thought he, "she is fatigued by her walk and has pil-Oh! Miss Bets-goo-good afternoon."  He
retired for the night."                        left the room; and as he closed the door he fancied
As the clock struck ten, the Captain said to Mrs. he heard a titter, and something about "sheep's
Bustle, "This is rather too late for Betsy to be  eyes." When he had reached his room, he rang for
out."                                           a servant, to whom he gave particular orders to call
" Not at all," replied. Mrs. Bustle; " George, you  him at five o'clock!
know, is with her."                               Seven o'clock of the following morning found
A certain Irish officer in the Life-Guards, whose  Gingerly at M'Seedling's nursery. The plants which
nerves were not easily disordered, said, when en- had been selected by the charming Miss Betsy Busdeavoring to illustrate the effect produced upon him  tle stood in a place apart, exactly as she left them.
by some sudden and terrible shock, " It threw me As he beheld them, Gingerly's heart palpitated.
into such a state, (and truth compels me to confess    "What is your price for these plants?" inquired
it,) that, by Jasus! you might have knocked me  Gingerly.
down with a poker!"                              " Maybe you're wanting them, Sir," said M'SeedAn instrument of much less power would have  ling; "if so, ye'll no find their like within ten mile
served to prostrate Mr. Gingerly, upon hearing the  round."
words uttered by Mrs. Bustle.                     " What is the price of them?" repeated Gingerly.
Five minutes passed away-ten-fifteen-twenty!    "I refused thirty-five shillings for them yesterbut no Betsy appeared. Gingerly now computed  e'en, which was offered me by a young meelitary
the time by seconds, and each second appeared to  gentleman and his wife, as I guess."
him an hour. He went to the window and peeped:    " D-n the military gentleman!" impatiently exhe went to the door and listened. His bald head  claimed Gingerly; who, although he knew how
was steaming-he consulted the thermometer, and  much it was that M'Seedling had actually demanded
was astonished to find that it indicated no more  for his plants, yet he did not choose, by correcting
than 74~. At length, at eleven o'clock, Miss Betsy, the man's memory, to expose his own knowledge of
accompanied by her George, returned.            what had occurred on the previous evening. " D-n
" And how did you find your Aunt Heathfield?" the military gentleman. What do you ask for that
inquired Mrs. Bustle.                          lot of plants?"
" Quite well, Mamma. And I have promised to    " Weel, Sir," replied the nurseryman; " I'm just
go to her onSaturday and remain till Monday. And  thinkin' I canna in conscience tak' less than twa
George is to come and take me there; and then he pund- "
is to come over and pass the Sunday with us; and    Gingerly's hand was instantly in his pocket.
then George is to come on Monday and bring me    " Ten," added the wily professor of the most inhome again. And, O Mamma! Cousin Harriet is nocent and most ancient calling on earth.
come home from school, for good; and she is so    Gingerly paid the man the sum  he demanddelighted with George!-now don't deny it, George  ed, though not without a passing reflection in
dear; you know it's true-indeed, I told her that his own mind on the unsettled meaning of the term
if I were not certain, I should be jealous."' conscience.'
" Come Gingerly," whispered Damper to him, " go    "Now," said Gingerly, "I have paid you handto bed."  But Gingerly was riveted to the spot.    somely for these things, and I shall expect in return
"And, 0 Mamma," continued the young lady; that my instructions willbe strictly attended to con"we went into M'Seedling's Nursery, and saw such  cerning the delivery of them. They must be left at
beautiful flowers: George insisted upon buying  Mrs. Bustle's boarding-house, at Brighton, at halfsome for me. I chose four myrtles, fourjessamines, past nine precisely. Should the carrier oe asked
four red-roses, and four such beautiful white rose- who sent them, he must say he doesn't know. He
trees! But they would not sell them for less than  must simply leave the plants, and, along with them,
a guinea-and-a-half; and, although they are such  this card."  Saying which, he took a card from his
loves, I would not allow him to give so much for pocket; and, having scratched through his own
them. A guinea-and-a-half again, indeed!  That name so carefully as to allow of its being read, he
would be too much."                             wrote on the other side: "These, the fairest of the
" Too much," exclaimed the Captain; "by the  vegetable creation, to the fairest of the human crePowers! and I think so too. He had better save ation."
his money for the occasion."  Again Damper whis-   There! thought Gingerly, as he retraced his steps
pered his friend "to bed."                     to Brighton; I think, my military gentleman, I have
" Well," said Betsy, "I have such a passion for now done your business for you. The hint about
flowers, that scatter the road with them and I'm  strewing the road to her heart with flowers was
sure it would lead to my heart."                pretty plain: and I have strewed it to the tune of
Gingerly's countenance brightened.  "Come," two-pound-ten. The card is ingeniously contrived,
said he to Damper, (at the same time rubbing his though sending it is a bold step, certainly; but it
hands,) "I will go to bed."                     will prevent mistake. At any rate, Master Hobnail,
He wished "good night" generally.  "Good you shall not smuggle my trophies this time,
night to you, Mister-Hob-nail," said he to his ri- "These, the fairest of the vegetable creation, to the
val; and brought up with a significant "Ahem!" fairest of the human creation!"  That's a touch.But no effect was produced by the perpetration of above an attorney's clerk, I flatter myself. A delithis heart-breaking ridicule.                   cate attention, and elegantly contrived!




DELICATE ATTENTIONS.                                   887
For reasons best known to himself, Gingerly, on  sal world to take such a liberty, that other somethis particular occasion, took his breakfast at the  body, whoever he may be, is an impertinent fellow.
York. His walk had given him an appetite, which  There's a bit of logic for you. But I'll beat about
he inflicted, in all its vigor, upon the cold chicken, till I discover who this somebody is; and then we
and ham, and eggs, and rolls, which were placed  shall see whether Mr. Somebody or Captain O'Popbefore him. This ended, he returned to Mrs. Bus- per is the best man at ten paces."
tle's; and appeared in the dining-room just as the    " Lord, Sir!" said Betsy, "it is George.-Nowgeneral breakfast was served. The party consisted  now, hold your tongue, George, and don't deny it,
of the same persons as were assembled at dinner unless you'd make me very angry. I knew them
on the day before, and Hobnill was seated next to  every one again the instant I saw them. Besides,"
Miss Betsy as upon that occasion. Gingerly was so  added she, (at the same time bestowing upon him a
fortunate as to find a chair immediately opposite to  tender look, and gently placing the tips of her delihis idol, and next to him was his friend Damper.    cate fingers on his arm,)-" besides, dear George, it
"Don't you take any thing, Mr. Gingerly?" said is so completely your style of thing!"
Mrs. Bustle to him, after he had sat some time un-   George, finding denial to be in vain, relinquished
occupied at table.                             the contest. He looked at his watch, rose from
" I-'ll take half a cup of weak tea, thank  table, and announced the necessity of his return to
you, Madam," replied he, in a tender tone, and with  Shoreham.
a sigh.                                           That's something, and be hanged to him, thought
"But don't you eat any thing, Sir?"           Gingerly.
"I I have no appetite," was the reply, with    " And must you go back this morning, George?"
the same accompaniments.                       inquired Betsy.  "Well, if you must-But just
" Then, decidedly, you are in love," continued the  stop a moment."  She ran out of the room, and,
lady.                                           after the lapse of a few minutes, returned with a
By the most fortunate concurrence of circum- handful of flowers.  " Here, George," she said (as
stances-(fortunate for Gingerly's cause) —even  she placed one of them in his button-hole, and put
whilst Mrs. Bustle was uttering these words, Jenny, the others, carefully made up in a sheet of writing
one of the maids, entered the room.             paper, into his hand) "take these. I plucked some
" Please, mum," said Jenny, " hasn't nobody or- of the most beautiful of them for you, for no one
dered no flowers to be sent here?"              has a better right to them than you. Good bye,
Gingerly turned pale, and his heart beat against George!-And, George; be sure you come back to
his side as if it would have'jumped through his dinner to-day, for I shall want you to walk with me
waistcoat.                                     to Aunt Heathfields again this evening."
"Not that I am aware of," replied Mrs. Bustle.   The feelings of poor Gingerly, during this scene,
And, having looked inquiringly round the table  may be (to use a phrase, the originality of which is
without receiving any reply, she continued: "No, not insisted upon) may be more easily conceived
Jenny; it is a mistake: they are not for here."    than described. The rival having fairly taken his
Jenny went out, but presently returned. "Please  departure, Gingerly rose from his seat, walked to
mum, the man says he is sure' on it as how they are  the window, back again to the table, resumed his
for here; he says Mrs. Bustle's boarding-house, seat, rose, walked towards the fire-place, once more
quite distinct: and he had a card to leave along  to the window, then to the door, and —out he
with them, only he had the misfort'n' to lose it by  rushed.
the way, which, howsomever, isn't of no conse-    "Is your friend ill?" said Mrs. Bustle to Damper.
quence, as he has found the house without it."    "I fear so," replied Damper; "I'll follow him."
Gingerly's heart sank in his bosom.          But Damper knew very well the cause of his friend's
" Do go, Betsy, my love, and see what all this is disorder.
about," said Mrs. Bustle.          ~              Damper sought Gingerly all over the house, but
Betsy obeyed. Scarcely had she left the room, he was nowhere to be found. He then went outwhen, with eyes sparkling with joy, she bounded in  paced the Marine Parade-traversed the Steyneagain.                                          East Cliff-West Cliff —up one street-down an"O, George!" she exclaimed, "How very foolish  other-looked into all the libraries-but to no purof you! It is a delicate attention, truly delicate, pose. He neither saw, nor could he hear, any thing
indeed! but you shouldn't have done it."        of Gingerly. He became alarned. He went to the
1" Done it! done what?" inquired George.    Chain Pier, and walked, hurriedly, to the end of it.
"Now, how silly it is of you to pretend astonish- But there was no Gingerly. " Can he have been so
ment, George, dear-Go, Jenny, and see those flow- rash!" exclaimed Damper. One of the men belongers taken very carefully up into my room.-O, Mam- ing to the Pier was sitting smoking a pipe on the
ma! they are such loves!-It is very foolish of you, signal-gun. Damper approached him. With ~ome
George: but, certainly, never any thing in my life hesitation, Damper said, "Pray-pray, my good
gave me half so much pleasure!"               friend-have you seen an elderly gentleman throw
"Paw my life, Betsy, I'm pawfectly ignorant of himself into the sea within these two hours?"
what you mean;" said Hobnill.                    The man deliberately took his pipe from his
"You ridiculous creature! where is the use of mouth, did what'smokers are in the habit of doing
your denying it, when they are the very plants, upon such an occasion, and, after leisurely scratching
every one of them, which I selected last night, and  his head, saidyou tried to bargain for."                        "An elderly gentleman, Sir?-Let me see — an
"I sawlemly declaor-."                      elderly gentleman. Why-a-no, Sir, I can't say
"What's the meaning of all this?" exclaimed  as I have. But if I should see e'er a one in the
Captain O'Popper. "If you didn't send Betsy those  course of the a'ternoon, where shall I have the
plants, Mr. George, why, somebody else did; and pleasure of letting you know?"
as nobody else has the smallest right in the univer-   Damper retraced his steps, and soon, to his great




888                                         BITS.
joy, met Gingerly. The latter -allowed him no time latile, Captain O'Popper, hartshorn, George Hobto speak, but thus, at once, accosted him:-     nill, burnt brown paper, and all the lodgers. In the
" It is awful! truly awful! Would you believe it? midst of the confusion Gingerly (with a lackadaisiThat rascally attorney's clerk who walked off with  cal air, and his left arm in a sling) entered the room,
those flowers-with the credit of the little act of and stood, unperceived, behind the crowd which
gallantry, too-they were my flowers-it waS I who  was pressing about the fair fainter. Not a little desent them."                                    lighted was he at the effect produced by this, his
"I would have sworn it,'" replied Damper.  "To last, and most ingenious expedient.
repeat Miss Betsy's words, it was'so completely    "Betsy, my child, what is the matter?" cried
your style of thing.' But let me congratulate you Mrs. Bustle.
on finding you alive: I began to fear you had com-   "Betsy, my deor, what is the matter?" echoed
mitted some desperate act."                     George.
"Why, no, I have not yet done so. An inge-   Either these sounds, or the burnt brown paper,
nious expedient has occurred to me; —I'll try it-I or the hartshorn,. or the sal volatile, or perhaps, the
don't think it can fail, for the dear girl has a great suffocating pressure of the persons about her-a
deal of feeling."                               circumstance inevitable on occasions of this nature
"True," replied Damper, "but not one particle -revived her. She opened her eyes; and the first
for you. Be wise, book a place in the four o'clock  object she beheld was George, kneeling at her side,
coach, and return to town. All your ingenious ex- and officiating as administerer of the burnt brown
pedients, all your delicate attentions, have turned to  paper aforesaid. She burst into a flood of tears.
the advantage of the interesting Hobnill; and take As soon as she was sufficiently recovered to speak,
my word for it that   "                         she threw herself into his arms, and exclaimed:
" I won't listen: to any thing you can say," cried    "Oh! George! how could you be so foolish as to
Gingerly, interrupting him. " This cannot fail-at expose your dear, your precious life, on my acleast if you will second me in it."             count? Had any thing fatal happened to you, I
For some time Damper refused to have any thing should have gone distracted!  But whereabouts
more to do with the affair; but, upon Gingerly's are you wounded?"
promise that, should his next delicate attention be    "Wounded!" exclaimed George, in utter amazeno more successful than the others, he would aban- ment; "wounded! What an ideorI Paw  my
don the pursuit of the fair Betsy, and return to his honor I    "
cquiet chambers in Lyon's Inn, Damper undertook to    "Now don't deceive me, George; let me know
assist him. Thus pledged, he listened patiently to  the worst.  But your endeavoring to conceal it
Gingerly's instructions; the result of which is now  from me is so like you! It is so very delicate. Oh!
to be shown.                                    Mamma! after this, can you refuse to-?"
" You seem agitated, Mr. Damper," said Betsy,   "I understand you, my dear child: you have my
who was sitting alone in the drawing room when he consent; and, with the consent of George's parents,
entered.                                        the banns shall be published on Sunday."
"Why, the fact is, Miss Bustle-I-I am afraid to    "George," said the Captain, "I didn't think you
acquaint you with it, but sooner or later you must had so much in you. But you are a brave fellbw;
know it;" replied Damper, who was almost ashamed  so, as to the consent, by the powers! I say ditto to
of the ridiculous commission he had undertaken.   that. And Mrs. Bustle," said he in a whisper to
"Good heavens! what has happened?" exclaimed the lady; " as we are both in a consenting mood, let
she.                                            us consent to marry one another at the same time."
"Why-this morning, a gentleman, a certain    "Oh! Captain!" was the lady's laconic, but exgentleman, went into Tuppen's Library. Scarcely pressive, reply.
had he entered, when he heard another gentleman    Gingerly, pale, and trembling from head to foot
mention your name in a way not altogether respect- with rage and' disappointment, was about to rush
ful. This, the gentleman,-that is to say, the cer- forward and explain; but he was restrained by an
-tain gentleman,-could not endure. He struck the admonitory gesture from his friend.,other; a challenge ensued; within an hour after-   "My dear Gingerly," said Damper, taking him
-wards they met on the downs.; exchanged shots; aside; "remember your promise: the four o'clock
and the gentleman, your champion, was wounded."  coach and Lyon's Inn. Keep your own counsel: so
"Wounded! who was it?" inquired Miss Bustle.  shall you appear ridiculous in the eyes of none but
Now comes the trial, thought Damper. —"It is of an old and trusty friend. Your ingenious conone," said he, "who takes the deepest interest in trivances, from first to last, have all turned to
*every thing that concerns you. In short-for the the advantage of your rival; nor have you the
circumstances of the case compel me to speak out credit of being even suspected of the small-he entertains for you the most unbounded affec- est of them. If you are resolved to marry, say
tion; and, as you already possess his heart, he has i Will you?' to the first woman you may happen to
authorized me to   "                            meet; for, rely on it, at your time of life, you are
Betsy Bustle fainted; Damper rang the bell vio- not likely to entrap a female heart by DELICATE
lently. In a moment there was Mrs. Bustle, sal vo- ATTENTIONS.'
BITS.-" Are you looking for any one in particu-   "Young men taken in and done for," as the shark
lar?" as the mite said to the microscope.      said to the ship's crew.
"You can't make a noise here," as the wooden    "I'm  particularly uneasy on this point," as the
pavement said to the omnibus.                  fly said when the young gentleman stuck him on
Why should a quill pen never be used in inditing  the end of a needle.
ccret matters? Because it is apt to split.




THE WOOING OF MASTER Fox.                                   889
THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.
BY SIR EDWARD LYTTON BULWER.
[The tale of the Fox's Wooing has been composed to give the Epglish reader an idea of the species of novel not naturalized amongst us, though frequent among the legends of our Irish neighbors; in which the brutes are the only characters diawn-drawn, too, with shades of distinction as nice and subtle as if they were the creatures of the civilized
world.]
IN the time of which I am about to speak, there  was no easy matter; for though Reynard could run
was no particular enmity between the various species faster than the dog for a little way, he was no match
of brutes; the dog and the hare chatted very agree- for him in a journey of some distance. " However,"
ably together, and all the world knows that the  said Reynard, "those good-natured creatures are
wolf, unacquainted with mutton, had a particular never very wise; and I think I know already what
affection for the lamb. In these happy days, two  will make him bait on his way."
most respectable cats, of very old family, had an    With that, the fox trotted pretty fast by a short
only daughter: never was kitten more amiable or cut in the woods, and getting before the dog, laid
more seducing; as she grew up she manifeated so  himself down by a hole in the earth, and began to
many charms, that in a little while she became  howl most piteously.
noted as the greatest beauty in the neighborhood:    The dog, hearing the noise, was very much
her skin was of the most delicate tortoise shell, her alarmed; "See now," said he, " if the poor fox has
paws were smoother than velvet, her whiskers were  not got himself into some scrape! Those cunning
twelve inches long at the least, and her eyes had a creatures are always in mischief; thank heaven, it
gentleness altogether astonishing in a cat. But if never comes into my head to be cunning!"  And
the young beauty had suitors in plenty during the  the good-natured animal ran off as hard as he could
lives of monsieur and madame, the number was not to see what was the matter with the fox.
diminished, when, at the age of two years and a
half, she was left an orphan, and sole heiress to all
the hereditary property. In fine, she was the richest
marriage in the whole country. Without troubling
you with the adventures of the rest of her lovers,
with their suit, and their rejection, I come at once
to the two rivals most sanguine of success-the dog
and the fox.
Now, the dog was a handsome, honest, straight- 
forward, affectionate fellow.  "For my part," said
he, "I don't wonder at my cousin's refusing Bruin
the bear, and Gauntgrim the wolf: to be sure they
give themselves great airs, and call themselves' noble,' but what then?  Bruin is always in the sulks,          [~
and Gauntgrim always in a passion; a cat of any
sensibility would lead a miserable life with them: as  
for me, I am very good-tempered when I'm not put
out; and I have no fault except that of being angry
if disturbed at my meals. I am young and good - 1looking, fond of play and amusement, and altogether
as agreeable a husband as a cat could find in a sum-  "
mer's day. If she marries me, well and good; she
may have her property settled on herself: if not, I  
shall bear her no malice; and I hope I sha'n't be.'        
too much in love to forget that there are other cats
in the world.'       ~  
With that, the dog threw his tail over his back,     eir,
and set off to his mistress, with a gay face on the
matter.
Now the foxheard the dog talking thus to himself   "Oh, dear!" cried Reynard; "what shall I do,
-for the fox was always peeping about, in holes what shall I do! my poor little sister has fallen into
and corners, and he burst out a-laughing when the  this hole, and I can't get her out-she'll certainly
dog was out of sight.                           be smothered."  And the fox burst out a-howling
"Ho, ho, my fine fellow!" said he; "not so fast, more piteously than before.
ifyou please: you've got the fox for a rival, let me    "But, my dear Reynard," quoth the dog very
tell you."                                      simply, "why don't you go in after your sister?"
The fox, as you very well know, is a beast that   "Ah, you may well ask that," said the fox; "but,
can never do any thing without a manceuvre; and  in trying to get in, don't you perceive that I have
as, from his cunning, he was generally very lucky  sprained my back, and can't stir?  Oh, dear! what
in any thing he undertook, he did not doubt for a shall I do if my poor little sister is smothered!"
moment that he should put the dog's nose out of   "Pray don't vex yourself," said the dog; "I'll
joint.  Reynard was aware that in love one should  get her out in an instant:" and with that he forced
always, if possible, be the first in the field, and he, himself with great difficulty into the hole.
therefore, resolved to get the start of the dog and    Now, no sooner did the fox see that the dog was
arrive before him at the cat's residence. But this fairly in, than he rolled a great stone to the mouth




890                           THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.
of the hole, and fitted it so tight, that the dog, not they are, therefore, intended for a marriage present,
being able to turn round and scratch against it with  and his majesty the lion thus generously atoned to
his fore-paws, was made a close prisoner.       me for relinquishing the tenderness of his queen.
"Ha, ha!" cried Reynard, laughing outside; One must confess that there was a great deal of
"amuse yourself with my poor little sister, while I delicacy in the gift. But you'll be sure not to mengo and make your compliments to Mademoiselle the  tion it."
Cat."                                             "A magpie gossip, indeed!" quoth the old blab.
With that Reynard set off at an easy pace, never   The fox then wished the magpie good night, and
troubling his head what became of the poor dog. retired to a hole to sleep off the fatigues of the day,
When he arrived in the neighborhood of the beau- before he presented himself to the beautiful young
tiful cat's mansion, he resolved to pay a visit to a cat.
friend of his, an old magpie that lived in a tree, and    The next morning, heaven knows how! it was
was well acquainted with all the news of the place. all over the place that Reynard the fox had been
"For," thought Reynard, "I may as well know the banished from court for the favor shown him by
blind side of my mistress that is to be, and get her majesty, and that the lion had bribed his deround it at once."                              parture with three hairs that would make any lady
The magpie received the fox with great cordiality, whom  the fox married young and beautiful for
and inquired what brought him so great a distance  ever.
from home.                                        The cat was the first to learn the news, and she
"Upon my word," said the fox, "nothing so  became all curiosity to see so interesting a stranger,
much as the pleasure of seeing your ladyship, and  possessed of " qualifications" which, in the language
hearing those agreeable anecdotes you tell with so  of the day, " would render any animal happy!" She
charming a grace: but, to let you into a secret-be  was not long without obtaining her wish. As she
sure it don't go farther —"                     was taking a walk in the wood, the fox contrived to
" On the word of a magpie," interrupted the bird. encounter her. You may be sure that he made
"Pardon me for doubting you," continued the  her his best bow; and he flattered the poor cat
fox; "I should have recollected that a pie was a with so courtly an air that she saw nothing surprisproverb for discretion. But, as I was saying, you ing in the love of the lioness.
know her majesty the lioness?"                   Meanwhile let us see what became of his rival,
"Surely," said the magpie, bridling.         the dog.
"' Well; she was pleased to fall in —that is to say    " When the dog found that he was thus entrapped,
-to-to-take a caprice to your humble servant, he gave himself up for lost. In vain he kicked
and the lion grew so jealous that I thought it pru- with his hind-legs against the stone-he only sucdent to decamp. A jealous lion is no joke, let me ceeded in bruising his paws; and at length he was
assure your ladyship. But mum's the word."     forced to lie down, with his tongue out of his mouth,
So great a piece of news delighted the magpie. and quite exhausted. " However," said he, after
She could not but repay it in kind, by all the news he had taken breath, "it won't do to be starved
in her budget. She told the fox all the scandal here, without doing my best to escape; and if I
about Bruin and Gauntgrim, and she then fell to  can't get out one way, let me see if there is not a
work on the poor young cat. She did not spare  hole at the other end."  Thus saying, his courage,
her foibles, you may be quite sure. The fox listened  which stood him in lieu of cunning, returned, and
with great attention, and he learned enough to con- he proceeded on in the same straightforward way
vince him, that however much the magpie might in which he always conducted himself. At first the
exaggerate, the cat was very susceptible to flattery, path was exceedingly narrow, and he hurt his sides
and had a great deal of imagination.            very much against the rough stones that projected
When the magpie had finished, she said, " But it from the earth. But by degrees the way became
must be very unfortunate for you to be banished  broader, and he now went on with considerable
from so magnificent a court as that of the lion?"   ease to himself, till he arrived in a large cavern,
" As to that," answered the fox, "I consoled my- where he saw an immense griffin sitting on his tail,
self for my exile with a present his majesty made and smoking a huge pipe.
me on parting, as a reward for my anxiety for his   The dog was by no means pleased at meeting so
honor and domestic tranquillity; namely, three  suddenly a creature that had only to open his mouth
hairs from the fifth leg of the amoronthologosphorus. to swallow him up at a morsel; however he put a
Only think of that, ma'am!"                    bold face on the danger, and walking respectfully
" The what?" cried the pie, cocking down her up to the griffin, said, "Sir, I should be very much
left ear.                                       obliged to you if you would inform me the way out
"The amoronthologosphorus."                   of these holes into the upper world."
" La!" said the magpie; " and what is that very    The griffin took the pipe out of his mouth, and
long word, my dear Reynard?"                   looked at the dog very sternly.
" The amoronthologosphorus is a beast that lives    "Ho, wretch!" said he, "how comest thou hithon the other side of the river Cylinx; it has five er? I suppose thou wantest to steal my treasure:
legs, and on the fifth leg there are three hairs, and but I know how-to treat such vagabonds as you, and
whoever has those three hairs can be young and  I shall certainly eat you up."
beautiful for ever."                              "You can do that if you choose," said the dog;
"Bless me! I wish you would let me see them,"  " but it would be very unhandsome conduct in an
said the pie, holding out her claw.             animal so much bigger than myself. For my own
" Would that I could oblige you, ma'am; but it's part, I never attack any dog that is not of equal
as much as my life's worth to show them to any  size: I should be ashamed of myself if I did. And
but the lady I marry. In fact, they only have an  as to your treasure, the character I bear for honesty
effect on the fair sex, as you may see by myself, is too well known to merit such a suspicion."
whose poor person they utterly fail to improve:    " Upon my word," said the griffin, who could not




THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.                                  891
help smiling for the life of him, " you have a singu- more valuable, a great heap of bones of very temptlarly free mode of expressing yourself;-and how, ing appearance.
I say, came you hither?"                         "Now," said the griffin, " during the day, I can
Then the dog, who did not know what a lie was, take very good care of these myself; but at night
told the griffin his whole history,-how he had set it is very necessary that I should go to sleep: so
off to pay his court to the cat, and how Reynard  when I sleep, you must watch over them instead
the fox had entrapped him into the hole.        of me."
When he had finished, the griffin said to him, " I    " Very well," said the dog. " As to the gold and
see, my friend, that you know how to speak the  silver, I have no objection; but I would much
truth; I am in want of just such a servant as you  rather you would lock up the bones, for I'm often
will make me, therefore stay with me and keep  hungry of a night, and-"
watch over my treasure when I sleep."             " Hold your tongue," said the griffin.
" Two words to that," said the dog. " You have    "But, Sir," said the dog, after a short silence,
hurt my feelings very much by suspecting my hon- " surely nobody ever comes into so retired a situaesty, and I would much sooner go back into the  tion! Who are the thieves, if I may make bold to
wood and be avenged on that scoundrel the fox, ask?"
than serve a master who has so ill an opinion of me.   "Know," answered the griffin, "that there are a
I pray you, therefore, to dismiss me, and to put me great many serpents in this neighborhood, they are
in the right way to my cousin the cat."         always trying to steal my treasure; and if they
"I am not a griffin of many words," answered  catch me napping, they, not contented with theft,
the master of the cavern, "and I give you your would do their best to sting me to death. So that
choice-be my servant, or be my breakfast; it is I am almost worn out for want of sleep."
just the same to me. I give you time to decide till   "Ah!" quoth the dog, who was fond of a good
I have smoked out my pipe."                     night's rest, "I don't envy you your treasure, Sir."'The poor dog did not take so long to consider.   At night, the griffin, who had a great deal of
" It is true," thought he, "that it is a great misfor- penetration, and saw that he might depend on the
tune to live in a cave with a griffin of so unpleasant dog, laid down to sleep in another corner of the
a countenance: but, probably, if I serve him well cave; and the dog, shaking himself well, so as to
and faithfully, he'll take pity on me some day, and be quite awake, took watch over the treasure. His
let me go back to earth, and prove to my cousin  mouth watered exceedingly at the bones, and he
what a rogue the fox is; and as to the rest, though  could not help smelling them now and then; but he
I would sell my life as dear as I could, it is impos- said to himself,-" A bargain's a bargain, and since
sible to fight a griffin with a mouth of so monstrous I have promised to serve the griffin, I must serve
a size." —In short, he decided to stay with the him as an honest dog ought to serve."
griffin.                                          In the middle of the night, he saw a great snake
" Shake a paw on it," quoth the grim smoker; creeping in by the side of the cave, but the dog set
and the dog shook paws.                         up so loud a bark that the griffin awoke, and'the
snake crept away as fast as he could. Then the
griffin was very much pleased, and he gave the dog
one of the bones to amuse himself with; and every
night the dog watched the treasure, and acquitted
himself so well, that not a snake, at last, dared to
make its appearance; —so the griffin enjoyed an
excellent night's rest.
The dog now found himself much more comfortable than he expected. The griffin regularly gave
him one of the bones for supper; and, pleased with
his fidelity, made himself as agreeable a master as
a griffin could do. Still, however, the dog was secretly very anxious to return to earth; for, having
nothing to do during the day but to doze on the
ground, he dreamed perpetually of his cousin the
cat's charms; and, in fancy, he gave the rascal
Reynard as hearty a worry as a fox may well have
the honor of receiving from a dog's paws. He
awoke panting —alas! he could not realize his
dreams.
One night, as lie was watching as usual over the
treasure, he was greatly surprised to see a beautiful
little black and white dog enter the cave; and it
came fawning to our honest friend, wagging its tail
W E-F. ~~~~~~with pleasure.. "Ah! little one," said our dog, whom, to distinguish, I will call the watch-dog, "you had better
make the best of your way back again. See, there
is a great griffin asleep in the other corner of the
" And now," said the griffin, ".I will tell you what cave, and if he wakes, he will either eat you up or
you are to do-look here;" and, moving his tail, he make you his servant, as he has made me."
showed the dog a great heap of gold and silver, in    "I know what you would tell me," says the little
a hole in the ground, that he had covered with the  dog; "and I have come down here to deliver you.
folds of his tail; and also, what the dog thought The stone is now gone from the mouth of the cave,




892                          THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.
and you have nothing to do but to go back with  need of a servant; for now that the king of the
me. Come, brother, come."                      serpents is dead, the rest will never molest me. It
The dog was very much excited by this address. was only to satisfy his avarice that his subjects
"Don't ask me, my dear little friend," said he; dared to brave the den of the griffin."
" you must be aware that I should be too happy to    Upon hearing this, the dog was exceedingly deescape out of this cold cave, and roll on the soft lighted; and raising himself on his hind-paws, he
turf once more: but if I leave my master, the grif- begged the griffin most movingly to let him return
fin, those cursed serpents, who are always on the  to earth, to visit his mistress the cat, and worry his
watch, will come in and steal his treasure-nay, rival the fox.
perhaps, sting him to death."'Then the little dog    "You do not serve an ungrateful master," ancame up to the watch-dog, and remonstrated with  swered the griffin. " You shall return, and I will
him greatly, and licked him caressingly on both  teach you all the craft of our race, which is much
sides of his face; and, taking him by the ear, craftier than the race of that pettifogger the fox, so
endeavored to draw him from the treasure: but that you may be able to cope with your rival."
the dog would not stir a step, though his heart   "Ah, excuse me," said the dog, hastily, " I am
sorely pressed him. At length the little dog, find- equally obliged to you: but I fancy honesty is a
ing it all in vain, said, "Well then, if I must leave, match for cunning any day; and I think myself a
good by; but I have become so hungry in coming  great deal safer in being a dog of honor than if I
down all this way after you, that I wish you would knew all the tricks in the world."
give me one of those bones; they smell very pleas-   "Well," said the griffin, a little piqued at the
antly, and one out of' so many could never be dog's bluntness, "do as you please; I wish you all
missed."                                       possible success."
"Alas!" said the watch-dog, with tears in his   Then the griffin opened a secret door in the side
eyes, "how unlucky I am to have eat up the bone  of the cavern, and the dog saw a broad path that
my master gave me, otherwise you should have had  led at once into the wood. He thanked the griffin
it and welcome. But I can't give you one of these, with all his heart, and ran wagging his tail into the
because my master has made me promise to watch  open moonlight. "Ah, ah! master fox," said he,
over them all, and I have given him my paw on it. " there's no trap for an honest dog that has not two
I am sure a dog of your respectable appearance will doors to it, cunning as you think yourself."
say nothing farther on the subject."             With that, he curled his tail gallantly over his left
Then the little dog answered pettishly, "Pooh, leg, and set off on a long trot to the cat's house.
what nonsense you talk! surely a great griffin can't When he was within sight of it, he stopped. to remiss a little bone, fit for me;" and nestling his nose fresh himself by a pool of water, and who should
under the watch-dog, he tried forthwith to bring up  be there but our friend the magpie!
one of the bones.                                " And what do you want, friend?" said she, rather
On this, the watch-dog grew angry, and, though  disdainfully, for the dog looked somewhat out of
with much reluctance, he seized the little dog by  case after his journey.
the nape of the neck and threw him off, but without   "I am  going to see my cousin the cat," anhurting him. Suddenly, the little dog changed into  swered he.
a monstrous serpent, bigger even than the griffin    " Your cousin! marry come up," said the maghimself, and the watch-dog barked with all his pie; "don't you know she is going to be married to
might. The griffin rose in a great hurry, and the Reynard the fox? This is not a time for her to reserpent sprang upon him ere he was well awake. ceive the visits of a brute like you."
I wish you could have seen the battle between the    These words put the dog in such a passion, that
griffin and the serpent, how they coiled and twisted, he very nearly bit the magpie for her uncivil mode
and bit and darted their fiery tongues at each other. of communicating such bad news.  However, he
At length, the serpent got uppermost, and was curbed his temper, and, without answering her,
about to plunge his tongue into that part of the  went at once to the cat's residence.
griffin which is unprotected by his scales, when the    The cat was sitting at the window, and no sooner
dog, seizing him by the tail, bit him so sharply, did the -dog see her than he fairly lost his heart;
that he could not help turning round to kill his never had he seen so charming a cat before: he
new assailant, and the griffin, taking advantage of advanced, wagging his tail, and with his most inthe opportunity, caught the serpent by the throat sinuating air; when the cat, getting up, clapped the
with both claws, and fairly strangled him. As soon  window in his face-and lo! Reynard the fox apas the griffin had recovered from the nervousness peared in her stead.
of the conflict, he heaped all manner of caresses on    " Come out, thou rascal!" said the dog, showing
the dog for saving his life. The dog told him the his teeth: "come out, I challenge thee to single
whole story, and the griffin then explained, that combat; I have not forgiven thy malice, and thou
the dead snake was the king of the serpents, who  seest that I am no longer shut up in the cave, and
had the power to change himself into any shape he unable to punish thee for thy wickedness."
pleased. "If he had tempted you," said he, "to    "Go home, silly one!" answered the fox, sneerleave the treasure but for one moment, or to have  ing; *" thou hast no business here, and as for fight-given him any part of it, ay, but a single bone, he ing thee-bah!" Then the fox left the window
would have crushed you in an instant, and stung  and disappeared. But the dog, thoroughly enraged,
me to death ere I could have waked; but none, no, scratched lustily at the door, and made such a noise,
not the most venomous thing in creation, has power that presently the cat herself came to the window.
to hurt the honest!"                            " How now!" said she, angrily; ";what means all
"That has always been my belief," answered the  this rudeness? Who are you, and what do you
dog; "and now, sir, you had better go to sleep want at my house?"
again, and leave the rest to me."                "O, my dear cousin," said the dog, "do not
"Nay," answered the griffin, "I have no longer speak so severely. Know that I have come here




THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.;                                 893
on purpose to pay you a visit; and, whatever you    " O most elegant society, I assure your lordship,"
do, let me beseech you not to listen to that villain  cried the pie. " I have lived here myself these ten
Reynard-you have no conception what a rogue  years, and the great heiress, the cat yonder, attracts
he is!"                                        a vast number of strangers."
"What!" said the cat, blushing; "do you dare    "Humph - heiress, indeed! much you know
to abuse your betters in this fashion?  I see you  about heiresses!" said the griffin. "There is only
have a design on me. Go, this instant, or-"     one heiress in the world, and that's my daughter."
"Enough, madam," said the dog, proudly; "you    "Bless me! has your lordship a family?  I beg
need not speak twice to me —farewell."          you a thousand pardons.  But I only saw your
And he turned away very slowly, and went under lordship's own equipage last night, and did not
a tree, where he took up his lodgings for the night. know you brought any one with you."'
But the next morning there was an amazing com-   "My daughter went first, and was safely lodged
motion in the neighborhood; a stranger, of a very  before I arrived. She did not disturb you, I dare
different style of travelling from that of the dog, say, as I did; for she sails along like a swan: but
had arrived at the dead of the night, and fixed his I have the gout in my left claw, and that's the reaabode in a large cavern, hollowed out of a steep  son I puff and groan so in taking a journey."
rock. The noise he had made in flying through the    "Shall I drop in upon Miss Griffin, and see how
air was so great, that it had awakened every bird  she is after her journey?" said the pie, advancing.
and beast in the parish; and Reynard, whose bad    "I thank you, no. I don't intend her to be seen
conscience never suffered him to sleep very sound- while I stay here-it unsettles her; and I'm afraid
ly, putting his head out of the window, perceived, of the young beasts running away with her, if they
to his great alarm, that the stranger was nothing  once heard how handsome she was: she's the living
less than a monstrous griffin.                  picture of me, but she's monstrous giddy!  Not
Now the griffins are the richest beasts in the  that I should care much if she did go off with a
world; and that's the reason they keep so close beast of degree, were I not obliged to pay her
under ground. Whenever it does happen that they  portion, which is prodigious; and I don't like partpay a visit above, it is not a thing to be easily for- ing with money, ma'am, when I've once got it.
gotten.                                         Ho, ho, ho!"
The magpie was all agitation,-what could the    "You are too witty, my lord. But if you refused
griffin possibly want there?  She resolved to take  your consent?" said the pie, anxious to know the
a peep at the cavern,:and accordingly she hopped  whole family history of so grand a seigneur.
timorously up the rock, and pretended to be picking    "I should have to pay the dowry all the same.
up sticks for her nest.                        It was left her by her uncle the dragon. But don't
"Holla, ma'am!" cried a very rough voice, and  let this go any farther."
she saw the griffin putting his head out of the    " Your lordship may depend on my secrecy. I
cavern. " Holla! you are the very lady I want to  wish your lordship a very good morning."
see; you know all the people about here-eh!"     Away flew the pie, and she did not stop till she
" All the best company, your lordship, I certainly  got to the cat's house. The cat and the fox were
do," answered the magpie, dropping a courtesy.    at breakfast, and the fox had his paw on his heart.
Upon this, the griffin walked out; and smoking  "Beautiful scene!" cried the pie; the cat colored,
his pipe leisurely in the open air, in order to set the  and bade the pie take a seat.
pie at her ease, continued-                       Then off went the pie's tongue, glib, glib, glib,
chatter, chatter, chatter. She related to them the
whole story of the griffin and his daughter, and a
great deal more besides, that the griffin had never
G7.~ ~ ~~~~told her.
The cat listened attentively.  Another young
heiress in the neighborhood might be a formidable
rival.  "But is the griffiness handsome?" said
she.
"Handsome!" cried the pie; "oh! if you could
have seen the father!-such a mouth, such eyes,
such a complexion; and he declares she's the living
picture of himself! But what do you say, Mr. Reynard? you, who have been so much in the world,
have, perhaps, seen the young lady.!"
"Why, I can't say I have," answered the fox,
waking from a revery; "but she must be wonderfully rich. I dare say that fool, the dog, will be
making up to her."
"Ah! by the way," said the pie, "what a fuss
he made at your door yesterday; why would you
not admit him, my dear?"
"Oh!" said the cat, demurely, "Mr. Reynard
-says that he is a dog of very bad character, quite a
fortune-hunter; and hiding the most dangerous
disposition to bite under an appearance of good
nature. I hope he won't be quarrelsome with you,
dear Reynard!"
"Are there any respectable beasts of good fami-   "With me?  O the poor wretch, no!-he might
lies settled in this neighborhood?"           bluster a little; but he knows that if I'm once an



894                          THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.
gry, I'm  a devil at biting;-but one should not father is taking an evening stroll, and is very quick
boast of one's self."                          of hearing. He has tied me up by my poor wings
In the evening, Reynard felt a strange desire to  in the cavern, for he is mightily afraid of some
go and see the griffin smoking his pipe; but what beast running away with me. You know I have
could he do?  There was the dog under the oppo- all my fortune settled on myself."
site tree, evidently watching for him, and Reynard    "Talk not of fortune," said the fox; "but how
had no wish to prove himself that devil at biting  can I deliver you?  Shall I enter and gnaw the
which he declared he was. At last, he resolved to  cord?"
have recourse to stratagem, to get rid of the dog.  "Alas!" answered the griffiness, "it is an imA young buck of a rabbit, a sort of provincial mense chain I am bound with. However, you may
fop, had looked in upon his cousin the cat, to pay  come in and talk more at your ease."
her his respects, and Reynard, taking him aside,   The fox peeped cautiously all round, and seeing
said, " You see that shabby-looking dog under the  no sign of the griffin, he entered the lower cave
tree? He has behaved very ill to your cousin the and stole up stairs to the upper story; but as he
cat, and you certainly ought to challenge him —for- went on, he saw immense piles of'jewels-and gold,
give my boldness-nothing but respect for your and all sorts of treasure, so that. the old griffin
character induces me to take so great a liberty; might well have laughed at the poor cat being
you'know I would chastise the rascal myself, but called an. heiress. The fox was greatly pleased at
what a scandal it would make! If I were already  such indisputable signs of wealth, and he entered
married to your cousin, it would be a different thing. the upper cave, resolved to be transported with the
But you know what a story that cursed magpie charms of the griffiness.
would hatch out of it!"                         There was, however, a great chasm between the
The rabbit looked very foolish: he assured the landing-place and the spot where the young lady
fox that he was no match for the dog; that he was was chained, and he found it impossible to pass;
very fond of his cousin, to be sure; but he saw no the cavern was very dark, but he saw enough of
necessity to interfere with her domestic affairs;-  the figure of the griffiness to perceive, in spite of
and, in short, he tried all he possibly could to get her petticoat, that she was the image of her father,
out of the scrape: but the fox so artfully played on  and the most hideous heiress that the earth ever
his vanity-so earnestly assured him that the dog saw!
was the biggest coward in the world, and would    However, he swallowed his disgust, and poured
make a humble apology, and so eloquently repre- forth such a heap of compliments that the griffiness
sented to him the glory he would obtain for mani- appeared entirely won.  He implored her to fly
festing so much spirit, that at length the rabbit was with him the first moment she was unchained.
persuaded to go out and deliver the challenge.   "That is impossible," said she; "for my father
" I'll be your second," said the fox; " and the never unchains me except in his presence, and then
great field on the other side the wood, two miles I cannot stir out of his sight."
hence, shall be the place of battle: there we shall   "The wretch i" cried Reynard, "what is to be
be out of observation. You go first, I'll follow in  done?"
half an hour-and I say-hark! —in case he does   "Why, there is only one thing I know of," an.
accept the challenge, and you feel the least afraid, swered the griffiness, "which is this —I always
I'll be in the field, and take it off your paws with  make his soup for him, and if I could mix somethe utmost pleasure; rely on me, my dear sir!"    thing in it that would put him fast to sleep before
Away went the rabbit. The dog was a little as- he had time to chain me up again, I might slip
tonished at the temerity of the poor creature; but down, and carry off all the treasure below on my
on hearing that the fox was to be present, willingly  back."
consented to repair to the place of conflict. This   "Charming!" exclaimed Reynard; " what invenreadiness the rabbit did not at all relish; he went tion! what wit! I will go and get some poppies
very slowly to the field, and seeing no fox there, directly."
his heart misgave him, and while the dog was put-   "Alas!" said the griffiness, "poppies have no efting his nose to the ground to try if he could track  feet upon griffins. The only thing that can ever
the coming of the fox, the rabbit slipped into a put my father fast to sleep is a nice young cat
burrow, and left the dog to walk back again.   boiled up in his soup; it is astonishing what a
Meanwhile the fox was already at the rock; he charm that has upon him!  But where to get a
walked very soft-footedly, and looked about with  cat?-it must be a maiden cat too!"
-extreme caution, for he had a vague notion that a   Reynard was a little startled at so singular an
griffin-papa would not be very civil to foxes.  opiate. "But," thought he, "griffins are not like
Now there were two holes in the rock-one be- the rest of the world, and so rich an heiress is not
low, one above, an upper story and an under; and to be won by ordinary means."
while the fox was peering about, he saw a great   "I do know a cat-a maiden cat," said he, after
claw from the upper rock beckoning to him.     a short pause; "but I feel a little repugnance at
"Ah, ah!" said the fox, "that's the wanton  the thought of having her boiled in the griffin's
young griffiness, I'll swear."                soup. Would not a dog do as well?"
He approached, and a voice said-               " Ah, base thing!" said the griffiness, appearing
" Charming Mr. Reynard! Do you not think you to weep, " you are in love with the cat, I see it; go
could deliver an unfortunate griffiness from a bar- and marry her, poor dwarf that she is, and leave
barous confinement in this rock?"             me to die of grief."
" Oh heavens!" cried the fox, tenderly, "' what a   In vain the fox protested that he did not care a
beautiful voice! and, ah, my poor heart, what a straw for the cat; nothing could now appease the
lovely claw! Is it possible that I hear the daugh- griffiness, but his positive assurance that, come
ter of my lord, the great griffin?"           what would, poor puss should be brought to the
"Hush, flatterer I not so loud, if you please. My cave, and boiled for the griffin's soup.




THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.                                 895
"But how will you get her here?" said the grif- dog; and he will know that, in the presence of a
finess.                                        lady, the custom of a beast of my fashion will not
"Ah, leave that to me," said Reynard.  "Only suffer me to avenge the affront. But when I am
put a basket out of the window, and draw it up by  alone, the creature is such a coward that he would
a cord; the moment it arrives at the window, be not dare say his soul's his own: leave the door
sure to clap your claw on the cat at once, for she is open, and I'll follow immediately."
terribly active."                                The cat's mind was so completely poisoned
" Tush!" answered the heiress; " a pretty griffin- against her cousin that she implicitly believed this
ess I should be if I did not know how to catch a account of his character, and accordingly, with
cat!"                                         many recommendations to her lover not to sully his
" But this must be when your father is out," said  dignity by getting into any sort of quarrel with the
Reynard.                                       dog, she set off first.
"Certainly: he takes a stroll every evening at   The dog went up to her very humbly, and begged
sunset."                                       her to allow him to say a few words to her; but
"Let it be to-morrow, then," said Reynard, im- she received him so haughtily, that his spirit was
patient for the treasure.                      up; and he walked back to the tree more than
This being arranged, Reynard thought it time to  ever enraged against his rival. But what was his
decamp. He stole down the stairs again, and tried  joy when he saw that the cat had left the door
to filch some of the treasure by the way: but it open! "Now, wretch," thought he, "you cannot
was too heavy for him to carry, and he was forced  escape me!" So he walked briskly in at the back
to acknowledge to himself that it was impossible to  door. He was greatly surprised to find Reynard
get the treasure without taking the griffiness (whose lying down in the straw, panting as if his heart
back seemed prodigiously strong) into the bargain. would break, and rolling his eyes in the pangs of
He returned home to the cat, and when he en- death.
tered her house, and saw how ordinary every thing    " Ah, friend," said the fox, with a faltering voice,
looked after the jewels in the griffin's cave, he quite  " you are avenged, my hour is come; I am just gowondered how he had ever thought the cat had the  ing to give up the ghost: put your paw upon mine,
least pretensions to good looks.               and say you forgive me."
However, he concealed his wicked design, and    Despite his anger, the generous dog could not set
his mistress thought he had never appeared so tooth on a dying foe.
amiable.                                         " You have served me a shabby trick," said he:
" Only guess," said he, "where I have been?-  "you have left me to starve in a hole, and you
to our new neighbor the griffin; a most charming  have evidently maligned me with my cousin: cerperson, thoroughly affable, and quite the air of the  tainly, I meant to be avenged on you; but if you
court. As for that silly magpie, the griffin saw her are really dying, that alters the affair."
character at once; and it was all a hoax about his   " Oh, oh!" groaned the fox very bitterly; " I am
daughter: he has no daughter at all. You know, past help; the poor cat is gone for Doctor Ape, but
my dear, hoaxing is a fashionable amusement he'll never come in time. What a thing it is to
among the great. He says he has heard of nothing  have a bad conscience on one's death-bed!  But,
but your beauty, and on my telling him we were wait till the cat returns, and I'll do you full justice
going to be married, he has insisted upon giving a with her before I die."
great ball and supper in honor of the event. In    The good-natured dog was much moved at seeing
fact, he is a gallant old fellow, and dying to see his mortal enemy in such a state, and endeavored
you. Of course I was obliged to accept the invita- as well as he could to console him.
tion."                                           " Oh, oh!" said the fox; " I am so parched in the
"You could not do otherwise," said the unsus- throat-I am burning;" and he hung his tongue out
pecting young creature, who, as I before said, was of his mouth, and rolled his eyes more fearfully
very susceptible to flattery.                  than ever.
" And only think how delicate his attentions are,"    " Is there no water here?" said the dog,'looking
said the fox. "As he is very badly lodged for a round.
beast of his rank, and his treasure takes up the    "Alas, no!-yet stay-yes, now I think of it,
whole of the ground floor, he is forced to give the there is some in that little hole in the wall; but
fete in the upper story, so he hangs out a basket how to get at it!-It is so high that I can't, in my
for his guests, and draws them up with his own poor weak state, climb up to it; and I dare not ask
claw. How condescending! But the great are.so  such a favor of one I have injured so much."
amiable!"                                       " Don't talk of it," said the dog: " but the hole's
The cat, brought up in seclusion, was all delight very small. I could not put my nose through it."
at the idea of seeing such high life, and the lovers    " No; but if you just climb up on that stone, and
talked of nothing else all the next day;-when  thrust your paw into the hole, you can dip it into
Reynard, towards evening, putting his head out of the water, and so cool my poor parched mouth.
the window, saw his old friend the dog lying as usu- Oh, what a thing it is to have a bad conscience!"
al and watching him very grimly. " Ah, that curs-   The dog sprang upon the stone, and, getting on
ed creature!  I had quite forgotten him; what is his hind-legs, thrust his front paw into the hole;
to be done now? he would make no bones of me if when suddenly Reynard pulled a string that he had
he once saw me set foot out of doors."         concealed under the straw, and the dog found his
With that, the fox began to cast in his head how  paw caught tight to.the wall in a running noose.
he should get rid of his rival, and at length he re-   "Ah, rascal!" said he turning round; but the
solved on a very notable project: he desired the  fox leaped up gaily from the straw, and fastening
cat to set out first, and wait for him at a turn in the string with his teeth to a nail in the other end
the road a little way off. "For," said he, "if we of the wall, walked out, crying, " Good-by, my
go together, we shall certainly be insulted by the  dear friend; have a care how you believe hereafter




896                          THE WOOING OF MASTER FOX.i
in sudden conversions!"-So he left the dog on his said the fox;  " but pray let me in. Why lose an
hind-legs to take care of the house.          instant?"
Reynard found the cat waiting for him where he    "No, never did I feel such a tail! No wonder
had appointed, and they walked lovingly together you are so successful with the ladies."
till they came to the cave. It was now dark, and    "Ah, beloved griffiness, my tail is yours to eterthey saw the basket waiting below; the fox as- nity, but you pinch it a little too hard."
sisted the poor cat into it. "There is only room    Scarcely had he said this, when down dropped
for one," said he, "you must go first!" Up rose the basket, but not with the fox in it; he found
the basket; the fox heard a piteous mew, and no himself caught by the tail, and dangling half way
more.                                         down the rock, by the help of the very same sort
"So much for the griffin's soup!" thought he.    of pulley wherewith he had snared the dog. I
He waited patiently for some time, when the leave you to guess his consternation; he yelped
griffiness, waving her claw from the window, said out as loud as he could, —for it hurts a fox exceedcheerfully, "' All's right, my dear Reynard; my ingly to be hanged by his tail with his head downpapa has finished his soup, and sleeps as sound as a wards,-when the door of the rock opened, and out
rock! All the noise in the world would not wake stalked the griffin himself, smoking his pipe, with a
him now, till he has slept off the boiled cat-which  vast crowd of all the fashionable beasts in the
won't be these twelve hours. Come and assist me neighborhood.
in packing up the treasure; I should be sorry to    " Oho, brother," said the bear, laughing fit to kill
leave a single diamond behind."               himself; "who ever saw a fox hanged by the tail
" So should I," quoth the fox. "Stay, I'll come before?"
round by the lower hole: why, the door's shut!   "You'll have need of a physician," quoth Doctor
pray, beautiful griffiness, open it to thy impatient Ape.
adorer."                                        " A pretty match, indeed; a griffiness for such a
"Alas, my father has hid the key! I never know  creature as you!" said the goat, strutting by him.
where he places it: you must: come up by the bas-   The fox grinned with pain, and said nothing.
ket; see, I will lower it for you."           But that which hurt him most was the compassion
The fox was a little loth to trust himself in the of a dull fool of a donkey, who assured him with
same conveyance that had taken his mistress to be great gravity that he saw nothing at all to laugh at
boiled; but the most cautious grow rash when mo- in his situation!
ney's to be gained, and avarice can trap even a fox.   " At all events," said the fox at last, " cheated,
So he put himself as comfortably as he could into gulled, betrayed as I am, I have played the same
the basket, and up he went in an instant. It rested, trick to the dog. Go and laugh at him, gentlemen;
however, just before it reached the window, and he deserves it as much as I can, I assure you."
the fox felt, with a slight shudder, the claw of the    "Pardon me," said the griffin, taking the pipe
griffiness stroking his back.                 out of his mouth; "one never laughs at the hon"Oh, what a beautiful coat!" quoth she, caress- est."
ingly.                                          " And see," said the bear, "here he is."
"You are too kind," said the fox; "' but you can   And indeed the dog had, after much effort,
feel it more at your leisure when I am once up. gnawed the string in two, and extricated his paw:
Make haste, I beseech you."                   the scent of the fox had enabled him to track his
"Oh, what a beautiful bushy tail! Never did I footsteps, and here he arrived, burning for venfeel such a tail!"                -          geance, and finding himself already avenged.
"It is entirely at your service, sweet griffiness,"   But his first thought was for his dear cousin.




TOO HANDSONE FOR ANY THING.                                  897
"Ah, where is she?" he cried, movingly; "without for a griffin's soup!-no, the offence was inexpidoubt that villain Reynard has served her some able.
scurvy trick."                                    "You understand me, Mr. Reynard," said the
"I fear so, indeed, my old friend," answered the griffin, "I have no daughter, and it was me you
griffin, "but don't grieve: after all, she was nothing  made love to. Knowing what sort of a creature a
in particular. You shall marry my daughter the  magpie is, I amused myself with hoaxing her,-the
griffiness, and succeed to all the treasure; ay, and I fashionable amusement at court, you know."
all the bones that you once guarded so faithfully."    The fox made a mighty struggle, and leaped on
"Talk not to me," said the faithful dog. "I the ground, leaving his tail behind him. It did not
want none of your treasure; and, though I don't grow again in a hurry.
mean to be rude, your griffiness may go to the    "See," said the griffin, as the beasts all laughed
devil. I will run over the world but I will find my  at the figure Reynard made running into the wood,
dear cousin."                                   "the dog beats the fox, with the ladies, after all;
" See her then," said the griffin; and the beauti- and cunning as he is in every thing else, the fox is
ful cat, more beautiful than ever, rushed out of the  the last creature that should ever think of making
cavern, and threw herself into the dog's paws.  love."
A pleasant scene this for the fox!-he had skill   The dog and the cat lived very happily ever afenough in the female heart to know that it may ex- terwards. Indeed the nuptial felicity of a dog and
cuse many little infidelities,-but to be boiled alive  cat is proverbial!
TOO HANDSOME FOR ANY THING.
BY SIR E. L. BULWER.
MR. FERDINAND FITZROY was one of those models Ferdinand Fitzroy was introduced to him; his
of perfection of which a human father and mother: Lordship was a little, rough-faced, beetle-browed,
can produce but a single example,-Mr. Ferdinand  hard-featured man, who thought beauty and idleFitzroy was therefore an only son. He was such  ness the same thing-and a parchment skin the
an amazing favorite with both his parents that they  legitimate complexion for a lawyer.
resolved to ruin him; accordingly, he was exceed-   "Send him to the bar!" said he, "no, no, that
ingly spoiled, never annoyed by the sight of a book, will never do! — Send him into the army; he is
and had as much plum-cake as he could eat. Hap- much too handsome to become a lawyer."
py would it have been for Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy    "And that's true enough, my Lord!" said the
could he always have eaten plum-cake, and remain- mother. So they bought Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy a
ed a child. "Never," says the Greek Tragedian, cornetcy in the -    Regiment of Dragoons.
"reckon a mortal happy till you have witnessed    Things are not learned by inspiration. Mr. Ferhis end."  A most beautiful creature was Mr. Fer- dinand Fitzroy had never ridden at school, except
dinand Fitzroy! Such eyes-such hair-such teeth  when he was hoisted; he was, therefore, a very
-such a figure-such manners, too,-and such an  indifferent horseman; they sent him to the ridingirresistible way of tying his neckcloth! When he school, and every body laughed at him.
was about sixteen, a crabbed old uncle represented    "He is a d- d ass!" said Cornet Horsephiz,
to his parents the propriety of teaching Mr. Ferdi- who was very ugly; " a horrid puppy!" said Lieunand Fitzroy to read and write. Though not with- tenant St. Squintem, who was still uglier; " if he
out some difficulty, he convinced them,-for he  does not ride better, he will disgrace the regiment i"
was exceedingly rich, and riches in an uncle are said Captain Rivalhate, who was very good-lookwonderful arguments respecting the nurture of a ing; "if he does not ride better, we will cut him!"
nephew whose parents have nothing to leave him. said Colonel Everdrill, who was a wonderful marSo our hero was sent to school. He was naturally  tinet; "I say, Mr. Bumpemwell (to the riding-mas(I am not joking now) a very sharp, clever boy; ter), make that youngster ride less. like a miller's
and he came on surprisingly in his learning. The sack."
schoolmaster's wife liked handsome children.-    "Pooh, sir, he will never ride better."
" What a genius will Master Ferdinand Fitzroy be,   "And why the d    1 will he not?"
if you take pains with him!" said she to her hus-   "Bless you, Colonel, he is a great deal too handband.                                          some for a cavalry officer!"
"Pooh, my dear, it is of no use to take pains    "True!" said Cornet Horsephiz.
with him."                                        "Very true!" said Lieutenant St. Squintem.
" And why, love?"                             "We must cut him!" said the Colonel.
"Because he is a great deal too handsome ever   And Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was accordingly cut.
to be a scholar."                                 Our hero was a youth of susceptibility-he quitted
"And that's true enough, my dear!" said the the -     Regiment, and challenged the Colonel.
schoolmaster's wife.                            The Colonel was killed!
So, because he was too handsome to be a scholar,   " What a terrible blackguard is Mr. Ferdinand
Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy remained the lag of the  Fitzroy!" said the Colonel's relations.
fourth form!                                     "Very true!" said the world.
They took our hero from school.-" What pro-   The parents were in despair!- They were not
fession shall he follow?" said his mother.     rich; but our hero was an only son, and they
" My first cousin is the Lord Chancellor," said his sponged hard upon the crabbed old uncle!
father, "let him go to the bar."                  "He is very clever," said they both, "and may
The Lord Chancellor dined there that day; Mr. do yet."




898                         TOO HANDSOME FOR ANY THING.
So they borrowed some thousands from the un- Ferdinand Fitzroy.  Accordingly, she neither acele, and bought his beautiful nephew a seat in Par- cepted nor discarded him; but kept him on hope,
liament.                                        and suffered him to get into debt with his tailor,
Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy was ambitious, and desir- and his coachmaker, on the strength of becoming
ous of retrieving his character. He fagged like a Mr. Fitzroy Convolvulus. Time went on, and exdragon-conned pamphlets and reviews-got Ri- cuses and delays were easily found; however, our
cardo by heart-and made notes on the English  hero was sanguine, and so were his parents. A
Constitution.                                  breakfast at Chiswick, and a putrid fever carried off
He rose to speak.                            the latter, within one week of each other; but not
"What a handsome fellow!" whispered one till they had blessed Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy, and remember.                                        joiced that they had left him so well provided for.
"Ah, a coxcomb!" said another.                Now, then, our hero depended solely upon the
"Never do for a speaker!" said a third, very au- crabbed old uncle and Miss Helen Convolvulus;dibly.                                         the former, though a baronet and a satirist, was a
And the gentlemen on the opposite benches banker and a man of business:-he looked very
sneered and heared! —Impudence is only indigenous distastefully at the Hyperian curls and white teeth
in Milesia, and an orator is not made in a day. of Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy.
Discouraged by his reception, Mr. Ferdinand Fitz-   "If I make you my heir," said he-" I expect
roy grew a little embarrassed.                  you will continue the bank."
"Told you so!" said one of his neighbors.      "Certainly, sir!" said the nephew.'
"Fairly oroke down!" said another.            "Humph!" grunted the uncle, "a pretty fellow
"Too fond of his hair to have any thing in his for a banker!"
head," said a a third, who was considered a wit.  Debtors grew pressing to Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy,
"Hear, hear!" cried the gentleman on the oppo- and Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy grew pressing to Miss
site benches.                                  Helen Convolvulus.  "It is a dangerous thing,"
Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy sat down-he had not said she, timidly, "to marry a man so admired,shone; but, in justice, he had not failed. Many a will you always be faithful?"
first-rate speaker had began worse; and many a
county member had been declared a phoenix of
promise upon half his merit.
Not so, thought the heroes of corn laws.
"Your Adonises never make orators!" said a
crack speaker with a wry nose.
"Nor men of business either," added the chairman of a committee, with a face like a kangaroo's.
"Poor devil!" said the civilest of the set.  "He's
a deuced deal too handsome for a speaker! By                  f
Jove, he is going to speak again-this will never
do; we must cough him down!"
And Mr. Ferdinand  Fitzroy was accordingly
coughed down.
Our hero was now seven or eight and twenty,
handsomer than ever, and the adoration of all the
young ladies at Almack's.
" We have nothing to leave you," said the parents,f I                   \
who had long spent their fortune, and now lived on   _   a
the credit of having once enjoyed it.-" You are
the handsomest man in London; you must marry
an heiress."
"I will," said Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy.
Miss Helen Convolvulus was a charming young,:
lady, with a hare-lip and six thousand a-vear. To
Miss Helen Convolvulus then our hero paid his ad-  
dresses.
Heavens! what an uproar her relations made
about the matter.  "Easy to see his intentions,"
said one: "a handsome fortune-hunter, who wants
to make the best of his person!" —" handsome is   "By heaven!" cried the loverthat handsome does," says another; " he was turn-   "Heigho!" sighed Miss Helen Convolvulus, and
ed out of the army, and murdered his Colonel;"-   Lord Rufus Pumilion entering, the conversation
"never marry a beauty," said a third; " he can ad- changed.
mire none but himself;" "will have so many mis-   But the day of the marriage was fixed; and Mr.
tresses," said a fourth;"-" make you perpetually  Ferdinand Fitzroy bought a new  curricle.  By
jealous," said a fifth;-" spend your fortune," said  Apollo, how handsome he looked in it! A month
a sixth; "and break your heart," said a seventh.   before the wedding-day, the uncle died. Miss Helen
Miss Helen Convolvulus was prudent and wary. Convolvulus was quite tender in her condolencesShe saw a great deal of justice in what was said; "Cheer up, my Ferdinand," said she, "for your
and was sufficiently contented with liberty and six  sake, I have discarded Lord Rufus Pumilion!"
thousand a-year, not to be highly impatient for a  " Adorable condescension!" cried our hercw; "but
husband; but our heroine had no aversion to a Lord Rufus Pumilion is only four feet two, and has
lover; especially to so handsome a lover as Mr.. hair like a peony."




THE BOX TUNNEL.                                       899
"All men are not so handsome as Mr. Ferdinand
Fitzroy!" was the reply.
Away goes our hero, to be present at the opening
of his uncle's will.'
"I leave," said the testator (who, I have before
said, was a bit of a satirist), " my share of the bank,   I
and the whole of my fortune, legacies excepted, to"
-(here Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy wiped his beautiful
eyes with a cambric handkerchief, exquisitely brod,.)   B'ii
"my natural son, John Spriggs, an industrious,
pains-taking youth, who will do credit to the bank. _
I did once intend to have made my nephew Ferdinand my heir; but so curling a head can have no
talent for accounts. I want my successor to be a
man of business, not beauty; and Mr. Ferdinand
Fitzroy is a great deal too handsome for a banker;
his good looks will, no doubt, win him any heiress
in town. Meanwhile, I leave him, to buy a dressing case, a thousand pounds."
" A thousand devils!" said Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy,
banging out of the room. He flew to his mistress.
She was not at home.  "Lies," says the Italian              -
proverb, "have short legs;" but truths, if they are
unpleasant, have terrible long ones!  The next
day Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy received a most obliging
note of dismissal.
"I wish you every happiness," said Miss Helen
Convolvulus, in conclusion-" but my friends are
right; you are much too handsome for a husband!"                                          with Mr. Ferdinand Fitzroy, in a hackney coach
And the week after, Miss Helen Convolvulus be- bound to the King's Bench,-" Alas! sir, what a
came Lady Rufus Pumilion.                       pity it is to take so handsome a gentleman to
" Alas! sir," said the bailiff, as a day or two after prison!"
the dissolution of Parliament, he was jogging along
THE BOX TUNNEL.
BY CHARLES READE.
THE 10.15 train glided from Paddington, May I he had an engaging smile, and, what I liked the
7, 1847.  In the left compartment of a certain  dog for, his vanity, which was inordinate, was in
first-class carriage were four passengers; of these, its proper place, his heart, not in his face, josttwo were worth description.  The lady had a  ling mine and other people's, who have none:-in
smooth, white, delicate brow, strongly-marked eye- a word, he was what one oftener hears of than
brows, long lashes, eyes that seemed to change color, meets-a young gentleman.  He was conversing in
and a good-sized delicious mouth with teeth as white  an animated whisper with a companion, a fellowas milk. A man could not see her nose for her officer-they were talking about, what it is far beteyes and mouth, her own sex could and would  ter not to do, women. Our friend clearly did not
have told us some nonsense about it. She wore an  wish to be overheard, for he cast, ever and anon, a
unpretending grayish dress, buttoned to the throat, furtive glance at his fair vis-d-vis, and lowered his
with lozenge-shaped buttons, and a Scotch shawl voice.  She seemed completely absorbed in her
that agreeably evaded the responsibility of color. book, and that reassured him. At last, the two
She was like a duck, so tight her plain feathers fit- soldiers came down to a whisper, and in that whisted her; and there she sat, smooth, snug, and de- per (the truth must be told) the one who got down
licious, with a book in her hand, and a soupgon of  at Slough, and was lost to posterity, bet ten
her snowy wrist just visible as she held it. Her pounds to three, that he who was going down with
opposite neighbor was what I call a good style of  us to Bath and immortality, would not kiss either
nian-the more to his credit, since he belonged to  of the ladies opposite upon the road.-" Done!"
a corporation, that frequently turns out the worst " Done!" Now, I am sorry a man I have hitherto
imaginable style of young man. He was a cavalry  praised, should have lent himself, even in a whisofficer aged twenty-five. He had a moustache, but per, to such a speculation: but " nobody is wise at
not a very repulsive one; not one. of those sub- all hours," not even when the clock is striking fivenasal pig-tails, on which soup is suspended like dew  and-twenty; and you are to consider his profession,
on a shrub; it was short, thick, and black as a  his good looks, and, the temptation-ten to three.
coal. His teeth had not yet been turned by tobac-   After Slough, the party was reduced to three; at
co smoke to the color of tobacco juice, his clothes  Twyford, one lady dropped her handkerchief; Capdid not stick to nor hang on him, they sat on him; tain Dolignan fell on it like a tiger, and returned it




900                                 THE BOX TUNNEL.
like a lamb; two or three words were interchanged    Miss Haythorn.  " Ee! Ee! Ee!"
on that occasion. At Reading, the Marlborough    Friend. " What is the matter?"
of our tale made one of the safe investments of    Miss Haythorn. "Open the door! open the
that day, he bought a " Times" and a "Punch"; door!"
the latter was full of steel-pen thrusts and wood-   There was a sound of hurried whispers, the door
cuts. Valor and beauty deigned to laugh at some was shut and the blind pulled down, with hostile
inflated humbug or other punctured by Punch. Now  sharpness.
laughing together thaws our human ice; long be-   If any critic falls on me for putting inarticulate
fore Swindon, it was a talking match-at Swindon, sounds in a dialogue as above, I answer with all
who so devoted as Captain Dolignan-he handed  the insolence I can command at present, " Hit boys
them out-he souped them-he tough-chickened  as big as yourself," bigger perhaps, such as Sophothem-he brandied and cochinealed* one, and he cles, Euripides, and Aristophanes; they began it,
brandied and burnt-sugared the other; on their and I learned it of them, sore against my will.
return to the carriage, one lady passed into the    Miss Haythorn's scream lost a part of its effect,
inner compartment to inspect a certain gentleman's because the engine whistled forty thousand murders
seat on that side the line.    I               at the same moment; and fictitious grief makes itReader, had it been you or I, the beauty would self heard when real cannot.
have been the deserter, the average one would    Between the tunnel and Bath, our young friend
have stayed with us, till all was blue, ourselves in- had time to ask himself whether his conduct had
eluded: not more surely does our slice of bread  been marked by that delicate reserve which is supand butter, when it escapes from our hand, revolve  posed to distinguish the perfect gentleman.
it ever so often, alight face downwards on the car-   With a long face, real or feigned, he held open
pet. But this was a bit of a fop, Adonis, dragoon  the door,-his late friends attempted to escape on
-so Venus remained in tMte-d-tite with him. You the other side,-impossible! they must pass him.
have seen a dog meet an unknown female of his She whom he had insulted (Latin for kissed) despecies; how handsome, how empresss, how ex- posited somewhere at his foot a look of gentle
pressive he becomes:-such was Dolignan after blushing reproach; the other, whom he had not inSwindon, and to do the dog justice, he got hand- sulted, darted red-hot daggers at him from her
somer and handsomer; and you have seen a cat eyes, and so they parted.
conscious of approaching cream,-such was Miss   It was, perhaps, fortunate for Dolignan that he
Haythorn: she became demurer and demurer: had the grace to be friends with Major Hoskyns of
presently, our Captain looked out of the window and  his regiment, a veteran laughed at by the younglaughed: this elicited an inquiring look from Miss sters, for the Major was too apt to look coldly upon
Haythorn. "We are only a mile from the Box  billiard balls and cigars; he had seen cannon balls
Tunnel."-" Do you always laugh a mile from the  and linstocks. He had also, to tell the truth, swalBox Tunnel?" said the lady.                   lowed a good bit of the mess-room poker, but with
" Invariably."                               it some sort of moral poker, which made it as im"What for?"                                  possible for Major Hoskyns to descend to an un" Why! hem! it is a gentleman's joke."       gentleman-like word or action, as to brush his own
" Oh! I don't mind it's being silly, if it makes me trowsers below the knee.
laugh."  Captain Dolignan thus encouraged, re-   Captain Dolignan told this gentleman his story
counted to Miss Haythorn the following: "A lady  in gleeful accents; but Major Hoskyns heard him
and her husband sat together going through the  coldly, and as coldly answered that he had known
Box Tunnel-there was one gentleman opposite: a man to lose his life for the same thing; " Yhat is
it was pitch dark; after the tunnel, the lady said, nothing," continued the Major, "but unfortunately'George, how absurd of you to salute me going  he deserved to lose it."
through the tunnel.''I did no such thing!'-' You    At this, the blood mounted to the younger man's
didn't?'-' No! why?'-' Why, because somehow  temples, and his senior added, "I mean to say he
I thought you did!"' Here Captain Dolignan  was thirty-five: you, I presume, are twenty-one!"
-laughed, and endeavored to lead his companion to'/Twenty-five."
laugh, but it was not to be done. The train en-   "That is much the same thing; will you be adtered the tunnel.                              vised by me?"
Miss Haythorn.  I" Ah!"                       "If you will advise me."
Dolignan.  "What is the matter?"               "Speak to no one of this, and send White the
Miss Haythorn.  "I am frightened."           ~3 that he may think you have lost the bet."
Dolignan (moving to her side), "Pray do not be    "That is hard when I won it!"
alarmed, I am near you."                          "Do it for all that, sir."
Miss Haythorn.  "You are near me, very near   Let the disbelievers in human perfectibility know
me indeed, Captain Dolignan."                  that this dragoon, capable of a blush, did this virtuDolignan.  "You know my name!"              ous action, albeit with violent reluctance: and this
Miss Haythorn.  "I heard your friend mention  was his first damper. A week after these events
it. I wish we were out of this dark place."    he was at a ball. He was in that state of factitious
Dolignan.  "I could be content to spend hours discontent which belongs to us amiable English.
here, reassuring you, sweet lady."             He was looking, in vain, for a lady, equal in personal
Miss Haythorn.  " Nonsense i"                attractions to the idea he had formed of George
Dolignan. Pweep! (Grave reader, do not put Dolignan as g man, when suddenly there glided
your lips to the cheek of the next pretty creature  past him a most delightful vision! a lady whose
you meet, or you will understand what this means.) beauty and symmetry took him  by the eyesanother look: " It can't be!" —" Yes, it is!"
* This is supposed to allude to two decoctions called port- Miss Haythorn! (not that he knew her name!) but,and sherry, and imagined by one earthly nation to partake what an apotheosis!
of a vinous nature.                               The duck had become a pea-hen-radiant, daz



THE BOX TUNNEL.                                      901
zling, she looked twice as beautiful, and almost time he obtained an introduction to Miss Haythorn,
twice as large as before. He lost sight of her. He and he danced with her. Her manner was grafound her again. She was so lovely she made him  cious. With the wonderful tact of her sex, she
ill-and he, alone, must not dance with her, speak  seemed to have commenced the acquaintance that
to her. If he had been content to begin her ac- evening. That night, for the first time, Dolignan
quaintance the usual way, it might have ended in  was in love. I will spare the reader all a lover's
kissing; but having begun with kissing, it must end  arts, by which he succeeded in dining where she
in nothing. As she danced, sparks of beauty fell dined, in dancing where she danced, in overtaking
from her on all around, but him-she did not see her by accident, when she rode. His devotion folhim; it was clear she never would see him-one  lowed her even to church, where our dragoon was
gentleman was particularly assiduous; she smiled  rewarded by learning there is a world where they
on his assiduity; he was ugly, but she smiled on  neither polk nor smoke,-the two capital abominahim. Dolignan was surprised at his success, his ill tions of this one.
taste, his ugliness, his impertinence. Dolignan at   He made acquaintance with her uncle, who liked
last found himself injured: "Who was this man?" him, and he saw at last with joy, that her eye loved
" and what right had he to go on so?"  " He had  to dwell upon him, when she thought he did not
never kissed her, I suppose," said Dolly. Dolignan  observe her.
could not prove it, but he felt that somehow the    It was three months after the Box Tunnel, that
rights of property were invaded. He went home  Captain Dolignan called one day upon Captain Hayand dreamed of Miss Haythorn, and hated all the  thorn, R. N., whom he had met twice in his life,
ugly successful.*  He spent a fortnight, trying to  and slightly propitiated by violently listening to a
find out who this beauty was,-he never could en- cutting-out expedition; he called, and in the usual
counter her again. At last, he heard of her in this way asked permission to pay his addresses to his
way; a lawyer's clerk paid him a little visit, and  daughter. The worthy Captain straightway began
commenced a little action against him, in the name  doing Quarter-Deck, when suddenly he was sumof Miss Haythorn, for insulting her in a railway  moned from the apartment by a mysterious mestrain.                                          sage. On his return, he announced, with a total
The young gentleman was shocked; endeavored  change of voice, that "It was all right, and his
to soften the lawyer's clerk; that machine did not visitor might run alongside as soon as he chose."
thoroughly comprehend the meaning of the term. My reader has divined the truth; this nautical
The lady's name, however, was at least revealed  commander, terrible to the foe, was in complete
by this untoward incident; from her name to her and happy subjugation to his daughter, our heroaddress was but a short step; and the same day, ine.
our crest-fallen hero lay in wait at her door-and    As he was taking leave, Dolignan saw his divinity
many a succeeding day, without effect. But one glide into the drawing-room. He followed her, obfine afternoon, she issued forth quite naturally, as served a sweet consciousness which encouraged
if she did it every day, and walked briskly on the  him; that consciousness deepened into confusionnearest Parade. Dolignan did the same, he met she tried to laugh, she cried instead, and then she
and passed her many times on the Parade, and  smiled again; and when he kissed her hand at the
searched for pity in her eyes, but found neither door it was "George" and " Marian," instead of
look, nor recognition, nor any other sentiment; for Captain this and Miss the other.  A reasonable
all this she walked and walked, till all the other time after this (for my tale is merciful and skips
promenaders were tired and gone, —then her cul- formalities and torturing delays)-these two were
prit summoned resolution, and taking off his hat; very happy-they were once more upon the railwith a voice tremulous for the first time, besought road, going to enjoy their honeymoon all by thempermission to address her. She stopped, blushed, selves. Marian Dolignan was dressed just as beand neither acknowledged nor disowned his ac- fore-duck-like, and delicious; all bright, except
quaintance.  He blushed, stammered  out how  her clothes: but George sat beside her this time
ashamed he was, how he deserved to be punished, instead of opposite; and she drank him in gently
how he was pupished, how little she knew how un- from under her long eye-lashes. "Marian," said
happy he was; and concluded by begging her not George, "married people should tell each other
to let all the world know the disgrace of a man, all. Will you ever forgive me if I own to youwho was already mortified enough by the loss of no —"
her acquaintance. She asked an explanation; he    "Yes! yes!"
told her of the action that had been commenced in    "Well then! you remember the Box Tunnel,"
her name; she gently shrugged her shoulders, and  (this was the first allusion he had ventured to it)said, "How  stupid they are."  Emboldened by  "I am ashamed to say-I had bet 31. to 101. with
this, he begged to know whether or not a life of White, I would kiss one of you two ladies," and
distant unpretending devotion would, after a lapse  George, pathetic externally, chuckled within.
of years, erase the memory of his madness-his   "I know that, George; I overheard you;" was
crime!                                          the demure reply.
"She did not know!"                            "Oh! you overheard me? impossible."
"She must now bid him adieu, as she had some    " And did you not hear me whisper to my compreparations to make for a ball in the crescent, panion?  I made a bet with her."
where every body was to be. They parted, and Do-   "You made a bet, how singular! What was
lignan determined to be at the ball, where every  it?"
body was to be. He was there, and after some    "Only a pair of gloves, George."
" Yes, I know, but what about it?"
* When our successful rival is ugly, the blow is doubly    " That if you did, you should be my husband,
severe, crushing-we fall by bludgeon: we who thought the dearest."
keenest rapier might perchance thrust at us in vain.' Oh!-but stay —then you could not have been
58




902                                 THE NEW  CAPTAIN.
so very angry with me, love; —why, dearest, then  can't expect to be indulged in this way, every time
who brought that action against me?"            we come to a dark place-besides, it is not the
Mrs. Dolignan looked down.                   thing. Consider, two sensible married people-no
"I was afraid you were forgetting me! George, such phenomenon, I assure you, took place. No
you will never forgive me!"                    scream issued in hopeless rivalry of the engine" Sweet angel-why here is the Box Tunnel!"   this time!
Now reader-fie!-no! no such thing!  You
THE NEW CAPTAIN.
FROM " THE ARETHUSA."  BY CAPTAIN CHAMIER, R. N.
IN 1806, the Arethusa was in Portsmouth harbor, promotion, but the sobriquet of'Three-fingered
undergoing repairs. She had been, like most of Jack,')-" keep that long-togged gentleman off!"
his Majesty's ships in those stirring times, actively    "Keep off in that boat!" roared the marine, " or
employed in annoying the enemy; the shot and I'm blessed if I don't fire into you!"
shell of the French batteries had passed over and    "That's all right enough," said Weazel; "you
through her; the singly contested action had been  see the gentleman is ready dressed for a ball."
fought, and there was no frigate more honored in   "Very likely," said the gentleman; "but I am
song than the " saucy Arethusa."                not much inclined to dance attendance here."
It was when she removed to Spithead, previous    "Dance ten dances!" said the old quarter-masto her starting on another cruise, that her captain, ter, " why, his legs ar'n't thick enough for scrubin endeavoring to reach the shore during a heavy  broom handles! although I'm blessed if he does not
gale of wind, was upset in his gig and drowned; stand as stiff in the boat as a midshipman on halfand as the body drifted on shore, the coroner and pay."
the undertaker did all that was requisite, " save the    "None of your impudence, M'Donald, if you
lapidary's scrawl."  It was a sad accident; but sad please," replied Weazel; "the only thing stiff such
accidents in active minds are shortly forgotten- old toddles as you like is your grog."
they never remain to corrode the heart, which in   "I'm thinking," said M'Donald, "that there are
seamen, during war, beats too highly and too quick- two of us in that boat, Mr. Weazel."
ly to allow of the rust of life arising from misfor-   "Will you have the kindness to take this card to
tunes to impede its machinery.                 the first lieutenant?" asked the gentleman.
The Arethusa was all a-taunto, top-gallant yards    " Will you have the kindness, sir," said Wreazel,
across, her red ensign shining in the breeze; and mimicking the gentlematl's manner, "to tell me if
now the pendant was masthead high, for the late you take me for your footman? and be d   d  to
captain had been buried, and the first lieutenant you!"
almost imagined himself the actual commander;   "I dare say before long," replied the gentleman,
but as he had received some gentle hints that a apparently a little irritated, "you will obey my orman half his age was about to take charge of the  ders, or I shall discharge you."
ship, he thought it best to forget his disappoint-   "That may be," said Weazel, "so by way of
ment,-the decks received a higher polish from the being to windward, I'll just discharge you now; so
holystone, the ropes were all taut, the yards well go off, or this shower of rain may wet the powder
squared, and the Arethusa attracted the attention in the pan, and hinder the marine's musket from
of all parties for her neatness aloft, and her clean, being discharged, by way of tzurning you off."
man-of-war-like appearance.                       " Come, sir," said the gentleman, " I cannot stand
It was about noon, when the people were at din- this nonsense any more; you will tell the first lieuner, that a smart young man, in plain clothes, came tenant that I desire to see him."
alongside.                                        "Well," said Weazel, "that doerbeat cock-fight"Keep off in that shore-boat!" said the marine ing! —But, stop a moment. I say, you, sir, with
on the gangway.                                the top-chain over the shoulders of your mast, are' Have the kindness," said the gentleman in the  you the new captain's steward?"
boat, " to give this note to the first lieutenant." 1    " No, sir," answered the gentleman.
"What's all this?" said the midshipman of the    "Are you his footman then?"
watch. (The officer of the watch was playing the   "'No, sir, I am not."
flute below.)                                     "Are you the old captain's undertaker?-because
"A shore-boat, sir," said the marine; " got some- if you are, you may heave and Paul where you
thing for the first lieutenant."                are."
This brought the midshipman to the gangway,   " No, sir, I am neither one nor the other; but I
who, seeing a remarkably dandified young man  am —"
telling the boatman to go alongside without his    "Oh! never mind who you are, my fine fellow,"
leave, he resolved to cool this intruder on marine interrupted Weazel; "if you are not the live capdiscipline.                                    tain's steward or the dead captain's undertaker, you
"Sentry!" said Mr. Weazel, (whose face was not must be a Whitechapel bird-catcher; so hop your
a little altered since we last left him; he being now  twig, my boy, or you'll find we have plenty of cats
about five-and-twenty years old, and having one or to catch such birds as you are. I wonder what you
two distinguishing marks in the shape of grog-blos- would take for your watch without the wheels of it?"
soms on his nose; whilst his left hand was not quite    "By the Lord! my fine fellow!" said the stranger,
so ready for mischief as formerly, he having lost "you shall remember that word, and watch and
two fingers in Trafalgar, and obtained, not his watch shall you have time to think of it."




THE NEW  CAPTAIN.                                    903
"It's a repeater," said Weazel, "and I dare say  rather see the people I am to command without
you got it on tick; it looks like a second-hand Ger- their knowing their future captain. If I stop in
man warnming-pan, and the case is large enough for the midshipman's berth, leave me there."
the boatswain's'baccy-box! Now, Moses, or Aaron,   "Shall I send the shore-boat away?"
or who the devil you may be of the lost tribes and    "Certainly. I must pay him  fiPst, though.lost beards, if you take us for any of the Men-asses, What's your fare, my lad?"
you are mistaken!  I dare say, now, you are some    "Three shillings, sir; and I hope your honor
of John Doe's men, without your top-boots, come will give me something to drink for waiting."
to nab the first lieutenant; but we know how to   "Three shillings for coming out to Spithead!
weather the Nab-light, however deep it may appear There's half-a crown, and shove off directly."
to be surrounded. Here's the first lieutenant com-   "Well," said the boatman as he looked at the
ing up the hatchway; so, Catchpoll, look out!"  money, "you're a pretty chap to call yourself a
" Who are you talking to over the gangway, Mr. gentleman!-why, you would skin a flea for its hide
Weazel?  I thought I told you before that I would  and tallow! Take care of him," said he to Weazel;
have nothing of this kind. Have the men had their "he's all outside show, like a marine's mess. I
time to dinner?"                               dare say he would let a poor fellow pull him to St.
" Not quite, sir," replied Weazel, in a very dif- Helen's, and then ask for change out of a sixpence."
ferent tone of voice from that in which he had been  And here the voice grew weaker in the distance;
amusing himself.                                although every now and then such words as "nipThe first lieutenant came to the gangway, and cheese," "herring-bones," "hung-in-chains," and
seeing a gentleman-for a gentleman is always such like fag-ends of the long volleys, reached the
known-bobbing about in a shore-boat in a driz- ship, until the boatman thought he could no longer
zling rain, and hearing from the sentry, who had be heard, and resting upon his oars he relieved his
been giggling away on his post, that the stranger throat.
wished to see him, he ordered the boat alongside,   Murray at last stood in the position he had so
and a smart-looking, well-made man of about one- long pictured to himself; he was the captain of the
and-twenty, stood on the Arethusa's quarter-deck. Arethusa. He looked aloft from the quarter-deck,
That he was a sailor was obvious; no landsman  saw the neat-rigged masts, the yards square, the ropes
steps up the side, touches his hat, and gives that taut-such as a man-of-war should be, in appearfooting of consequence which a man does from long  ance and efficiency; and he remembered the launch,
habit during a professional life.               and the little fairy who christened her;-for he had
The first lieutenant, Mr. Jones, returned the been present when the Arethusa many years before
salute; and looking at the card, took off his hat had been launched;-and Amelia, then a mere
and made a low bow. Weazel saw something was child, had gone through that ceremony; but that
wrong, and sheered over to the other side.     fairy had grown a woman, and seemed, from his
" I am appointed to the command of this frigate," father's affection for her, to be likely to cheat him
said the stranger, "and I was anxious to see her of his birthright. The sister of the man who had
without being known. I shall come on board and  struck him!-he bit his lip as the thought occurred
read my commission to-morrow; in the mean time, to him; and he fancied his revenge but half comlet me look round; and let me beg of you, Mr. plete, since Hammerton had never been heard of
Jones, not to mention who I am. I have a great from the day he had sailed. He considered himdesire, if possible, to repay that young gentleman  self wronged, and he felt he was unrevenged, since
for some of his civility in his own coin, and I would the object of his hate might have died uninsulted.




904                                 THE NEW  CAPTAIN.
But Murray was himself now  a captain; the    The young gentlemen had just made preparations
Arethusa was under his command; the war raged  for dinner. In those days, the tablecloth did its
fiercely; the battle of Trafalgar, for he was in it, duty for three or four days, without being relieved;
had led to his promotion; the naval glory of Great and before Monday evening the whiteness had been
Britain was raised upon the highest pinnacle; the  pretty well superseded by the lines of dirt which
ships of England swept the seas; and although in the expectant heroes of the navy had rubbed from
arrogance we did not equal the Dutch, who on a between the prongs of their forks; some, indeed,
former occasion, carried brooms at their mastheads preferred the easier and less laborious mode of
-a signal now that the vessel is for sale,-yet the plunging the fork through the tablecloth, leaving
long pendants of our ships were to be seen in every  two large holes,-for three or four prongs were in
sea, in every clime. By Murray's side was his first those days considered useless, and green peas never
lieutenant; and although the captain was out of in fashion in the midshipman's berth. A japanned
uniform, he felt his own situation, and knew how  tin jug, familiarly called a "black-jack," was in the
to profit by it.  "Mr. Jones," he began, "this centre of the table, and contained swipes,-a liquor
Weazel played me the first frolic ever practised  by no means the most intoxicating, it having been
upon me. When I first entered on board the Tri- proved that a man might drown himself in such
bune, he was then a midshipman of four years' miserable beverage before he could get drunk upon
standing; and after nine years' separation I find it. The bread barge contained its weight of hard
him in the same situation, with as little chance of flinty biscuits; and the mess, which was a repubadvancement.  What, Mr. Jones, is his general lican one without a caterer, exhibited all the signs
character?"                                    of bad government and starving populations which
"He is, sir," replied the first lieutenant, "the  agitation produces. The strongest seemed to prolife and soul of the ship-foremost in danger, ready  fit by this general disorganization, and the weaker
for mischief, always excessively innocent, and every  suffered in proportion. Each one daily prepared
day getting into scrapes,-he nearly got into one to help himself to the large half-baked piece of
for talking to you over the gangway, for that is ex- beef upon the " after you" principle, which may be
pressly against my orders."                    thus explained: —When the poor wretch of a boy
" He took care to have the whole of the conver- made his appearance with the dinner, the dish was
sation to himself," remarked Murray, "and after instantly seized by one of the quickest and the strongcalling me Moses and Aaron, a bum-bailiff come to  est; another immediately called out, "After you!"
arrest you, and so forth, he finished by calling my  whilst another, distancing a stuttering companion,
watch a German warming-pan, or a boatswain's to- had "After you!" out before the poor fellow laborbacco-box."                                    ing under the impediment could get out the word
"He is not very partial to the Israelites; for it "After."  So it proceeded; the last one getting but
was but yesterday he shaved off the beard of one a very slender allowance to feed a voracious appein the midshipman's berth, and stuck it on the  tite, and each receiving the dish to help himself as
collar of the Jew's coat, remarking that bear-skin  his turn stood, on the "after you" principle. It
collars were coming into fashion; he then lashed was, however, considered a point of honor never to
him up in a hammock, took him into the cable-tier, give the dish out of its turn; although Weazel, if
stowed him away in the heart of it, and then told  he failed in capturing the beef on its passage, genhim he ought to be very happy, as he resembled  erally went upon the cutting-out system; he would
his namesake whilst living and whilst dead; in the  draw the attention of his victim  to some object,
one instance, because he was always in pursuit of the  whilst he helped himself from the plate nearest to
promised land; and in the other,'because no man  him. Hence civil discords soon grew high, and not
knew of his burying-place even unto this day.' On unfrequently blows were repeated instead of grace.
the Jew being released, he threatened to bring an    "Will you sit down, sir," said Weazel, addressaction against him, upon which Weazel immediately  ing the captain, " and make yourself quite at home."
knocked him down,'by way of commencing the    No one had seen the first lieutenant's approach,
action,' as he said. Finding the poor fellow hurt, and all hands were beating the devil's tattoo with
he poured some raw rum down his throat, telling  their knives and forks on the plates, keeping an inhim to make the best of' the spirit of the law."'    harmonious accompaniment by singing the "Roast
"I should like to see him at some of his tricks Beef of Old England."  Mr. Jones on hearing the
again," replied Murray; " and if he asks me to din- invitation retired, and Captain Murray entered the
ner with him after his abuse of me, I certainly will berth.
avail myself of the honor. Let us see the between-   " I am very glad, sir," replied Murray, "to find
decks, Mr. Jones; and be kind enough not to give that you do not consider me as either the live capme the honor of an introduction."              tain's steward or footman, or the dead captain's
Captain Murray expressed himself much pleased  undertaker; and I shall have much pleasure in acwith the good order of the frigate; there was no  cepting your invitation."
useless lumber about the decks, every thing was in    "No grabbing now," said Weazel,-" a strange
its place, and the ship might have gone into action  gentleman's here; and manners, you know," in a
five minutes after she was clear of St. Helen's. whispering tone to his messmates. And then adThe main-deck was the main-deck of a ship for dressing Murray, he said, " The dinner will be here
service as well as for show, and the lower deck ex- in -a minute. Here, boy, put the beef before me,
hibited that pride of seamen, the neatness of their and the potatoes within hail. Hold the gentleman's
messes; the men appeared stout, young, and clean  plate, boy. Where the devil have you been eduseamen; and to use a common expression, though  cated? —don't you know  common behavior?-Do
rarely true, you might have eaten your dinner off you like the outside piece, sir?"
her decks, and never felt the grate of a sand-grain.   " Thank you," said Murray, " any piece will do for
" This, sir," said Mr. Jones, "is the midshipman's me."
berth," as he put his head inside the door.       "Hold the plate nearer, and be d-d to you,




THE NEW  CAPTAIN.                                  905
you stinking hound!" said Weazel to the boy; round, and I'll desire the gardeners to be in wait"you have no more manners than a kangaroo   ing."
There —don't capsize the gravy down that gentle-   Captain Murray kept his countenance well, alman's collar! —A potato, sir?  I am sorry we have though he remembered that Weazel had played
nothing better to offer you; but unfortunately the him this very trick years ago, and he was perfectly
boy, who is the clumsiest cub in creation, fell down aware that he now destined him to be the scareon the main-deck, upset the soup, and left the fish crow, and the gardener the captain of the top.
for the cat to eat.-Now, gentlemen," he continued,   "I shall have much pleasure," replied Murray;
addressing his messmates as he put about a pound "but I cannot conceive how I could have passed
in his own plate,'help yourselves, and remember unnoticed the garden, for Mr. Jones "
mnanners."                                      "Oh, Mr. Jones," interrupted Weazel, "is much
"After you, Tom!" "After you, Harris!" "After too knowing to show the garden; he has such a
you, Walcot!"  "After you, Smith!" was instant- variety of South American plants which he wishes
ly vociferated; and Captain Murray soon saw that, to bring to perfection before he allows them to be
at any rate, if his ship was in good order, his mid- seen."
shipman's berth was in rather a revolutionary state,   Here the boy entered, and having taken his cue
and required some alterations to protect the young- from Weazel, said, "Gardener says, sir, that one of
ster from the overbearing power of the oldster. In the fore-top men is in the report for having picked
a minute, the bone was picked as clean as if half a all the cherries, and that a flight of sparrows and
dozen dogs had been at it; the potatoes vanished, blackbirds have eaten up all but a few gooseberries,
the black-jack was empty, and the bread barge cap- which Mr. Jones has ordered him to keep for the
sized. Murray now intimated that he would take new captain."
a little piece more; and Weazel, who was always   "Curse the new captain!" said Weazel. "By
ready, said, "Bory, run up to the galley and bring the Lord! the service is come to a pretty pass when
down the turkey."  A smile played upon the lips the gooseberries are to be kept for the new captain!
of all his messmates; but Weazel, with consum- But, sir," said he to Murray, "so it always is; the
mate coolness, continued as he saw the boy gaping active and industrious starve, in order that the
at him, "What the devil is the matter! —has the slothful and indolent may fatten. As sure as ever
poulterer forgot to send it?-or has that rascally I'm first lord of the admiralty, I'll do away with
cook let it fall in the ashes?  Tell him I'll report all gardens on board a ship, and make the captain
him to the first lieutenant, and the new captain sow mustard and cress on the sills of the ports for
may exercise his powers of eloquence in his maiden the good of the ship's company."
speech to the ship's company. I am very sorry,   "Clear away, boy," said a rubicund-nosed oldster,
sir," he continued, addressing the stranger, "but "and clap the grog on the table. The only dessert
we will endeavor to make amends in another way. we shall get to-day is some of Bounty Bligh's breadBoy, bring the dessert, and take care not to injure fruit, or midshipman's nuts, which grow better in
the branches of the cherry-tree. Tell the captain an oven than in the fore-top."
The cloth was removed and the greasy oak table
brought to view. It had divers proofs of long service; each oldster mixed a pretty strong portion of:I~lt!!!!/~~~~ -~  ~  ~        grog, taking it out of an old lime-juice bottle, most
-- m  /,,~~~~~ ~~~of them preferring a cup, for there were only two: Hi~~ ~~      ~~~~~          glasses or tumblers belonging to the mess. Weazel
ii77V-A ~?.   )           of course apologized; he was the very cream of
~-,,ff:,   I l                 civility whenever he intended mischief. It was the
/11,  ~ God   |           last roll of the ship before she rounded the Isle of
I:       Jsri lIi Wight that smashed all their glasses; and owing
~'~$~~~~~~~~~~ Hitl      f,     to the confusion in refitting the ship, it was judged',". |   if~~a~ ~t i               better not to receive the new glass on board until
they should be ready for sea.
_ ~-r:~~~~~ a                   H"You seem," said Murray, ready to lead Weazel
on, "to spend a very jovial life, and to malie
amends for wanting the amusements of the landsman by some constant occupation. How do you
generally pass your evenings?"
"Pretty well and comfortably," replied Weazel.
"When we have no theatre open, or no tight-rope
dancing, we play at Able Whackets."
h"Able  Whackets!" replied Murray, "what can
______________                -   that  be?"
=_______            "The most delightful game ever invented," said
_~4~_.__             =Weazel; "it keeps the attention alive, and warms the
hands of the players more than any other; and I'll
teach it to you, if you like; but take a glass of grog
of the fore-top to stand by as a scarecrow to frighten first. When you are on board a ship, you must do
the blackbirds. You must see our garden aloft, as sailors do; and'grog' you know, or at least I
sir; it's a wonderful invention —much on the plan, know,-' grog is the liquor of life.' Perhaps you
as the clergyman of the flag-ship said, of the hanging would like a glass better than that cup; but Balgardens of Babylon;-it's quite extraordinary how  de-. on and myself think that there is no use in
our fruit trees ripen, and how we avoid blights and showing how much we take-or rather how little,
late frosts. Perhaps, after dinner, you would walk for fear our messmates would force us to take more.




906                                 THE NEW  CAPTAIN.
Now, then, Harris, hand out the' good books,' and hold out his flipper, and he began,-" This is for
let's get round the board of green cloth."     the loss of the good game called Able Whackets,
A slight explanation of this game may not be this is for the same, and this is for my standing
amiss, in order to show how very easy it is for a Able and your losing the game;" and at each time
man to pay off a debt of revenge without incurring  fell a stroke which nearly cut his hand off. At the
suspicion. A handkerchief is twisted up as hard  expiration of this, Weazel withdrew his hand to
as a rope, and this is called the "good money" offer it to the next. "Avast there I" said Murray;
by which you are to pay off all debts; the cards "hold out your flipper again!" and he received
are called " good books," (they are called elsewhere three more most powerful cuts for Weazel's having
the " devil's books," and as far back as memory  stood Able and having lost the game. The tears
can trace, the four of clubs has been called " the  started in his eyes when he found that Murray used
devil's bed-post;") they are dealt out exactly, and  the good money with the swing of a proficient, and
the hands count the same as at Commerce. The amply repaid him for his former unkindness; whilst
great art of the game is never to miscall any thing. Weazel, irritated by the laugh of his messmates,
For instance, if a person were to designate the hand, who perceived the stranger to be an adept, gave
as the hand, another would call out "Watch;" and  way to his wrath, and got watched " three times
the person having made the blunder would have to  more."  Some jeered him  when he offered his
hold out his hand and receive one blow upon it maimed flipper, and refused it as being so much
from every player, just as hard as he thought proper mutilated as not to offer a fair mark; and as the
to inflict it, the culprit being told the reason of the  blows so hardly and so constantly inflicted led to
punishment by the man who called out "Watch," abuse, and abuse to a promise of satisfaction,
saying before he struck him, "This is for calling  Murray contrived to give the conversation a turn
the good thing fipper out of its proper name;" a by inquiring when the ship was to sail, as he should
hand being a flipper; thus, the table is the " board  be happy to meet the gentlemen again.
of green cloth," etc., every thing having a profes-   "Oh, sail!" said Weazel, whose tongue was not
sional name. It is obvious that the young beginner idle, for his wrath had subsided at the idea of satisis likely to catch the most blows; and Weazel, faction and the prospect of working an eyelet-hole
completely blinded by Murray's manners, sought to  in the coat of his enemy,-" Sail! why, when we
pay him off for the "rowing" he got from  Mr. get our new captain on board."
Jones for talking to him over the gangway.        "Who is to command this fine frigate?" said
Murray, who knew the game well, readily agreed  Murray.
to the proposition; and Weazel having explained    "Some booby of a lord's son, dry-nursed by a
to him the game, warning him that when he had a fat lieutenant, and put under the guidance of Jones
good hand he ought to " stand Able," which "gave to keep out of mischief."
him the privilege of inflicting three hard cuts upon    "Why does it follow," said Murray, aY that the
the person who held the worst hand, they dealt the  captain must be the booby you would make h4m?"
cards round once or twice to explain the game, and    "Because," said Weazel, "merit is never rethey then "served them  out" properly, every one warded.  Here am  I, old enough to command
of the midshipmen being determined to pay off any frigate in the service, having lost two fingers
"'the long-togged gentleman with the chain round  at Trafalgar, been wrecked, badgered, buffeted,
his neck."                                      swamped in a boat cutting out; cut out of my own
Perfectly aware of Weazel's character, Murray  promotion by having been knocked overboard and
acted accordingly, and kept a guarded silence, in- believed drowned, four years past; been mate of
flicting the punishments gently, in order to show a the deck, had charge of a watch, and being, though
lenient disposition, and then made a mistake pur- I say it myself, the best hand at dry holystoning a
posely; upon which Weazel called out "Watch,"  lower-deck in the navy. Now I'll bet a dish of
and gave a wink to his messmates. "Hold out ham and eggs for four, with grog to wash it down,
your flipper," said Weazel; "I demand the good  that the skipper who is sent on board to be acting
money —this is for calling the'good books' out of captain under Jones is not older than you are totheir names;" and smack came the hard-twisted  day, and knows no more of a ship than you do!"
handkerchief upon Murray's hand with all the force    "That may be, and yet he may be a very proper
Weazel could bestow upon it; and it required some man to command a frigate. Why, you would not
courage to keep it steady to meet the blows of the  like a man as old as a Spanish mule, and perhaps
others, for they all served him out according to just as obstinate, to command you!  I know you
their utmost power, the last man keeping the " good  all like young slim fellows like myself."
money warm," as the term  is. Lord Byron has    "Do you?" said Weazel; "then you are much
since said,                                     mistaken!  Every thing is fancy; I fancy being
And if we do but wait the hour,       commanded by a man older than myself —one who
There never yet was human power       has been longer at sea, seen more service —one I can
Which could evade, if unforgiven,     respect from his seniority, and in whom I can have
The patient search and vigil lonThe patient swho treasures upch and vigil lwrong.  confidence from his services. Now you are younger
than me; and although I fancy, from the way you
Murray was like the bard's watchful man; and  handled that handkerchief and gave me such strikWeazel, equally alert, was never off his guard. At ing proofs of your power, that you have been at
last Weazel "stood Able "upon a sequence —  sea, yet I should just as soon sail under the orders
"king, queen, and knave;" and Murray "stood  of the bumboat woman as under yours. So now,
Able" upon aces. When the hands were exposed, no offence, y6u know; as the hands are turned up,
Weazel had the worst; for each, by somo good  I shall turn out of this."
luck, had got better cards, and the victim  was    " Mr. Weazel," said a quartermaster, popping his
called  to receive punishment.  Murray having  head in the berth.
demanded the "good  money," desired him  to    "Well?" replied Weazel.




THE SPOILED CHILD.                                  90T
"Mr. Jones says you are to go on shore with the  and Weazel saw the shore-going gentleman take
dockyard party in the launch."                hold of the yoke-lines and steer the boat as well as
"Curse Mr. Jones, and the launch, and the dock- any man in the navy."
yard party too!"                               "That gentleman," said Mr. Jones to Weazel,
"At any rate," said Murray, rising to depart, "has known you before.  I suppose you shook
"you are variable enough. Poor Mr. Jones, who hands with him after dinner?"
is to dry-nurse the captain, is old enough to suit you    "Not exactly, sir; but he made my hands shake.
-is entitled to your respect from his long service, We played at Able Whackets, and I fancy I got off
and yet you don't seem to have much confidence in  second-best."
his orders. However, I will not be the cause of    "Had you a midshipman on board the Tribune
your delay; so, good evening young gentlemen. I of the name of Murray?"
dare say I shall have the pleasure of seeing you    " Yes, sir," replied Weazel; " and a gallant fellow
again."                                       he was, but a precious snob to be sure; he was the
" D-n me if ever I want to see you again!" son of some old lord mayor, and was placed under
said Weazel.                                  the protection of a Mr. Hammerton, who gave me
"Nor I," said Walcot.                       a considerable hiding because I stowed his blankets
"Nor I," said Harris; "he plays too good a away the first night."
knife and fork; and notwithstanding his gold chain,   " How did he get on down below with you?" conI don't think he has had a blow-out for the last tinued Jones.
fortnight; he's as thin as a herring, and twists   "Ate very well, I thank you, sir-a mighty
about like an eel, but by the Lord Harry, he hits stretching appetite.  I was in hopes of showing
hard!"                                        him the garden in the foretop, or the cow in the
Murray overheard these unfavorable remarks; main-top; but the dockyard party —"
but he well knew that midshipmen's remarks were   "-Will save you a little repentance. Mr. Weaharmless enough. Mr. Jones was on deck carrying  zel, that gentleman is Captain Murray, of the
on the duty; and Murray saw by the way one or two  Arethusa."
of the officers returned the salute as he got on the    " Whew!" went Weazel, as he slipped down the
quarter-deck, that Jones had given a hint that the side; "a pretty kettle of fish I've made of it!"
new captain was for show. The gig was manned,
THE SPOILED  CHILD.
RBY. H. HORNE.
BY the side of a deep-bosomed, smouldering proach he had seen from the nursery window. In
Christmas fire, in the oak-panelled drawing-room  less than a couple of minutes, the whole concourse
of an old manor-house in Herefordshire, sat two came dancing and crowing into the drawing-room,
mild-featured grandmammas, awaiting, with placid with Darling Petkin in the centre, mounted upon
dignity, the advent of the dinner-hour. Their fig- the left shoulder of Uncle Benjamin, where he sat
ures rose with equal state from their massy bro- with a drum slung round his neck, which he fucaded gowns, though their style and effect were riously beat with both sticks, screaming in vaindifferent. One grandmamma was exceeding thin; glorious delight, and never caring to perceive that
the other grandmamma excelled in fat.  Kind  each blow of the drumstick in his right hand
hearts looked out from both their faces; nor would  " took" his uncle's left ear in its way upwards. At
this have been quite possible to any hearts less kind, length the general tumult ceased, and, in the pause
for each face was surrounded and surmounted with occasioned by all the party " taking their breath,"
an embattled cap, thick set with richly notched, the shrill voice of Darling Petkin enunciated, with
though faded, ribbons, and five rows deep in starched  all the air of a little pagod just come to light,
point lace; so that each respected head bore a close " Yah! on'y nook a' ME!
resemblance to a bouquet of thistles exulting in a   " Only look at me!" How often do we hear this
strong white frost.                           from children; how seldom do we find the claim
They were beguiling the time with grave, yet upon general attention and admiration made in
pleasing conversation, till "papa" and "mamma"  vain! We begin to fear, that where we are fond
were dressed, and the rest of the family, with sun- of a child (and the same principle applies to a pet
dry guests, arrived; and the subject they discussed dog, horse, or favorite of any kind), there is always
was the never-enough-to-be-repeated one, of how  a natural tendency towards spoiling it a little; that
many perfections were displayed in the pretty per- is, towards rendering it vain, exacting, wilful, useson of their dear grandchild, and how many more less, or disagreeable, by the excess of our manifeswere to be expected, from the constant care, atten- tations of admiration, and the concessions we make
tion, devotion, and universal admiration and flattery, to all its sayings and doings, however capricious and
bestowed upon the beauty and "bringing up" of hurtful. Our present business, however, is not so
little Darling Petkin.                        much with the good children, the pretty good, or
A loud scream from the excellent lungs (lungs the not-so-very-good-neither children, but the tipnot to be equalled, of their size, in power of an- top specimen of a-" On'y nook" at the pornouncement) of the dear child upstairs, was quickly trait!
followed by the descent of thesame in the arms of   The tumult having subsided, the uncles and aunts
his maid, to be carried to the front door to meet a were enabled to offer a few words of recognition
carriagefull of aunts, another full of friends of the and metry-Christmas-wishing to the two grandfamily, and sundry uncles on horseback, whose ap- mammas, and, at the same time, to perceive that




908                                 THE SPOILED  CHILD.;Mr. and Mrs. Meredith (we beg Darling Petkin's par- rub!-"'the most "' - ri-tum-dub!-"'vital imdon! we mean papa and mamma) had entered the  portance,' "-Rub-a-dub! a-dub!. dub-dub-doo!room. The family now commenced a kind and so- "' It is of most vital importance, not only to one's
licitous conversation together, on the various gains, own  country, but to  the' " —row-de-dow! -
losses, changes, and prospects, which had occurred  "' world at large. - Instead of the erroneous "'to each other since they met last Christmas; and  tack-a-rack, a-rack!-"'methods hitherto practisthis interesting conversation and affectionate inter- ed,' " —row-dow-de-dow!-"'the profound system I
course was allowed to continue uninterrupted al- have adopted of always permitting a child to'"
most to the extent of fifteen minutes, during the  -rub-a-dub, a-dub!-"'to have its own way in
whole of which time Darling Petkin was busily and  every thing' " —ri-tum-ti!-"'is one, easy of acsilently occupied alone, in a distant corner, eating  complishment; and the results are equally"'greedy handfuls of many-colored "hundreds and  rum-ti-tum, ti-tum —"'easy to be foreseen."'thousands," varied by sundry dips into paper pack- Row-de-dow, de-dow, doodle-doo!
ets brought him by Uncle Ben, containing bulls-    "'But, as they grow up, there is the'-rub!eyes, kisses, hardbake, almond sugar-plums,, alicum- "' there is the "'-rub!-"' there is'-my dear,
pane, barley sugar, gingerbread, white sugar-candy, sweet child! do, pray be quiet-only orte moment!
pipe peppermint, lollipop squibs, a quire-and-a-half -' there,' I say,' is the' "-rub!-"' in fact, the
of parliament, and everlastings. These little tokens very greatest' " —dub-a-dub!-"' necessity that the
of remembrance and affection, without which the  adult should, of its own good' " —row, de-dow, degiver would have met with a very different recep-. dow!- "'of its own good sense, should see the
tion, were deposited in Darling Petkin's hands by  propriety, as well as prudence, of' "'-ti-tiddley-ti!
mamma, to go and put away in his own pretty cup- - "'of acting on a totally different plan.' " —Tackboard and drawers, and to take out only a little  a-rack, dub, dub!-" My dearest little boy!"-rowfrom each packet every day after dinner.        de-dow, de-dow, toodle-loo! - "poor grandmamWhen the various greetings of the family had  ma!" —ti-rub!-" her head aches, Darling Pet!"been exchanged, Aunt Nancy, looking at her watch, yah! row-de-dow, de-dow, rub-a-doo!-" Oh fie!
and observing that it wanted half-an-hour of dinner, Uncle Ben!-see! he's got the other drum, to help
drew a roll of paper from her pocket, and making  Darling beat his tatoo!"-Tra! tra-a-a-a, ti-rum!
a great deal of rustling in unfolding it, besides tra, tra-a-a-ti-dum! —rub, dub-a-rub-a-rub, rub-demanifesting a more than usually grave look, she thus doo! tra-a-a-a-a-a-a-rub, dub-a-rub-a-rub, rub-deproduced a silence fraught with expectation, during  doo! hurra-a-a!
which she cast an interrogative glance around.    It is not very necessary to inform the reader that
"' Oh! do, Aunt Nancy!" exclaimed several-voices Aunt Nancy's learned essay on infant education was
apparently proceeding from minds previously in- quite overwhelmed; and the discomfited spinster
structed, or else very rapidly sympathetic; "oh! replaced it in her pocket, with a look expressive
do read it."                                    of very mixed and confusing thoughts and emotions.
"Pray do! —yes, pray do!" murmured papa and  "Bless his dear, sweet face!" murmured mamma,
mamma, and several friends of the family. Aunt "what a color he has got!-he's so fond of his
Nancy bowed her head with an air of self-compla- drum, Aunt Nancy?" Whereupon, every body in
cency, which she intended for general respect, and  the room, except one personage, uttered some ejaccommenced reading:-                             ulation of admiration; and Uncle Benjamin, and
"' The production of a rational essay on infant two of the aunts, ran and covered him with kisses,
education, is at once an undertaking and an event and then carried him round the room  on their
of the most   "'                                crossed arms.
Rub-dub-a-dub!-such were the sounds evidently    The one personage who did not contribute his
intended to accompany Aunt Nancy's learned reci- voice to the applause of Darling Petkin's performtative; for Darling Petkin, having eaten hardbake  ance, was a corpulent, elderly gentleman, who had
and lollipops till he was nearly sick, suddenly came  arrived in his own carriage at the same time as the
to the perception that he was no longer an object batch of uncles and aunts, but of whom we have
of interest to the company present, who, instead of no more been able to take any notice up to the
being solely occupied with him, were actually going  present moment, than were the company assembled.
on very well among themselves without him! He, Mr. Scrope Bellyfield had, therefore, sat in pomtherefore, jumped up, seized his drum, and began  pous silence, with an expression of much disgust
to strut knee-foremost round the room, and through' and irritation. He was evidently very vain of his
the seated party, beating it with all his might, great, fat person; and wore a high-crested, richsometimes on the head, sometimes with a "tack- curling, dark brown wig, not unlike the head-dress
tacking" noise on the tin sides or wooden rim, and  of George IV. Mr. Scrope Bellyfield was, morebloating out his cheeks and stomach as he ejaculat- over, a great exacter of all sorts of admiration and
ed a " row-de-dow " as semi-chorus to the "rub-a- attention: first, because, to do him justice, he was
dub" of his belabored instrument. Aunt Nancy's really a man of superior understanding, education,
theoretic essay was, therefore, compelled to pro- and great general information; and, secondly, beceed with an obligato accompaniment on the drum, cause he possessed immense wealth and influence,
by the celebrated Darling Petkin.               and "commanded" the votes ofr half the "inde"' The production of a rational' " —rack, tack-a- pendent freeholders" in his county. For this countack, dub, dub!-"' a rational system of' "-rub! ty, Mr. Meredith was most anxious to be returned
-"' infant "'-dub! -"' education:' my dearest to parliament; and, as the day of election was apchild! pray stop for only a few minutes!"-rub-a- proaching, he had recently sought the friendship
dub-a-dub!-"'The production,' Irepeat,'of a na- and advice of Mr. Scrope Bellyfield, who seemed
tional system  of' "- row-de-dow! -"' of infant disposed to exert himself exclusively in his favor.
education'-my darling, pray wait a minute!-' is Mr. Meredith, and the whole family, were, conseat once an undertaking and an event of' "-ti-ti- quently, anxious to show him every attention on




THE SPOILED CHILD.                                     909
the present occasion, although they had not yet mouth, except to reply in monosyllables. His face,
been able to find any opportunity, except in helping  charged with color, presented the peculiarly omihim to alight from his carriage.                nous black-redness of long-suppressed breath; his
Mr. Meredith had stood rubbing his hands, with  manner' was characterized by terrible composure;
an obsequious preparatory air, beside the arm-chair his silence was like the preliminary pause before
of Mr. Scrope Bellyfield, during the lecture which  the explosion ofsome capacious mine.
had just been drummed into the ears of the party,   We pass over the dinner: the recollection of it
as though he would fain have entered into some has a choking, effect. The dessert was placed upon
very interesting and deferential conversation; but the table; the guests now bethought them of merry
the corpulent visitor was too irritated, and sat with  Christmas, and were anxious to talk of old times.
an expression of assumed abstraction, pretending  But there was no doing any thing with Darling Petkin
not to see him.                                 in the room, except to listen and admire, or endure
The dinner bell now resounded from the hall, and  and be silent. There he sat, on mamma's knee,
the whole party made a show of escorting Mr. Bel- who was ready to faint from exhaustion, yet did not
lyfield, as they adjourned to the dining-room; but possess enough fortitude to send him to bed; there
somehow or other, it happened that Darling Petkin  he sat, with his sweetmeats before him, his cheeks,
got in the very centre of the group, and fairly car- mouth, and chin, begrimed with colored sugars,
ried off "the attention."  They all took their seats tart, cake, and orange, all of which he insisted conat the table, Mr. Bellyfield being placed at the right tinually upon having kissed; there he sat, with
hand of "mamma," who had Darling Petkin upon  messed hands, and "sticky " fingers, catching at
her knee. Grandmamma Meredith it was observed, the contents of every dish in his reach, or that he
had not taken her place; whereupon, Mr. Meredith  caused to be brought within his reach; then, flinginformed the family that she had retired, with a bad  ing the conglomeration about the table, or into the
headache, to lie down for an hour or two. "Ah!"  plates of those who were nearest; and, finally,
murmured mamma, "she has been complaining a  wiping his grimy little paws on mamma's satin dress,
good deal of late; the weather, you see,-the cold  or on her cheek, and throat, under pretence of
is too much for her; she will be better when she  playful fondness.
has been bled: John has gone off for Dr. Mayton.   The  crawling clock-hands eventually worked
Shall I help you to a little soup, Mr. Bellyfield?"    their way into the middle of the fatigued night, and
" Thank you, madam," replied the great gentle- Darling Petkin's eyes became heavy, as he made
man in a formal voice, bowing his red face almost the preparatory movement to go to sleep in mamdown into his plate.                            ma's arms. It was now thought a little effort might
"Me, too, mamma!-me, too!"                   cautiously be made to try and get him  up stairs
"Yes, my dear!-there love!-I'll just give him  without her, so that she might have half an hour's
a spoonful to begin with: I know Mr. Bellyfield will respite to devote to her guests and family. The
excuse it."                                     little effort was made in the following manner:" Me, mamma! me!"                             " My sweetest!" murmured mamma, pressing the' Yes, my darling!-bless the child! the sweet- child closer to her bosom; " will my sweetest go to
meats have made him so thirsty. Now, Mr. Belly- his bed?"
field."                                            "No, I sarnt-sarnt go-a-bed."
" Oh, no sort of hurry, madam!" ejaculated the    "Aunt Nancy," pursued mamma, " has got a litgentleman: and down went his face again towards tle finger that knows it's time Darling went to his
his plate, with preposterous courtesy.          own pretty bed. Little finger, what's o'clock?"
It would be too arduous a task to ourselves, and    Here the accomplished theorist on infant educatoo provocative to our readers, were we to attempt tion held up her gifted digit.
to give a progressive description of the scene which    " There! Aunt Nancy's little finger says it's very
continued through this most trying dinner. During  late; and Darling will be so glad to go to his bedthe whole time did the victorious Darling Petkin  won't he?"
sit, and persist in sitting, on mamma's knee; inter-    "No, no, no!" squealed the peevish Petkin.
rupting every attempt she made to address any    "My precious lamb! how feverish his dear face
body but himself; fretfully engrossing all her atten- and hands are! do go to his bed."
tion; and, in his unceasing attempts to engross the    " Ay, do goev, love;" echoed Aunt Nancy, in
attention of every body else, as he had always been  the tenderest voice; " Oh! don't Mleat mamma;
permitted to do, thoroughly confusing and defeat- you've hit her on the chin —see! you've made poor
ing all general conversation. The effect upon the  mamma ky!-poor mamma!"
spirits of every body present, mamma and Uncle    Here poor mamma made a show of crying, durBen perhaps excepted, was that of unmitigated  ing which the sweet lamb settled himself in her
and unconquerable exhaustion and disgust. But no  lap, and fell fast asleep. He was thus carried up
one had the "cruelty " to say so; and few of the  to bed.  Now, in good sooth, did all present, shiftfamily admitted the fact to themselves. What all ing themselves in their seats, take a fresh breath,
the visitors thought, was easy to perceive; what and reverting to merry Christmas, prepare to have
Mr. Bellyfield, in particular, thought and felt, we a pleasant hour, and toast old times. Even Mr.
dare not venture to conjecture. He enjoyed the  Scrope Bellyfield, showed signs of emerging from
reputation throughout the country of being an ex- his pompous austerity and smouldering silence, and
cellent companion in all societies: a man who pos- gazed at " poor mamma," with an expression in
sessed "a fund of anecdote" and urbanity.  Cer- which some commiseration for her pale, worn face,
tainly, on the present occasion, he manifested no  was mingled with contempt and irritation at her
signs whatever of any thing of the kind. He made  moral weakness. Mr. Meredith now began to get
no movement, except to eat, and to bow his head  alive, and pulling down his waistcoat and wristwhen papa and the uncles asked him to do them  bands, and stretching his arms, called for fresh dethe honor of taking wine; and he never opened his canters of wine and clean glasses. The table was




910               AN OVERCHARGE; A RESUSCITATED JOE, VERSIFIED.
also cleared, and covered afresh with plates of or- cut-glass decanter, which rolled off the table, and
anges, olives, cakes, dried fruits, etc. "And now," fell with one edge upon the toe of Mr. Scrope Belquoth Mr. Meredith, rising with a bumper in his lyfield!
hand, and looking towards Mr. Scrope Bellyfield,   "Base urchin!" ejaculated the long-smouldering
"And now, I have to propose a toast!"         and now agonized and infuriate gentleman, jumpA loud yell from the nursery arrested Mr. Mere- ing up with a rapidity never to be anticipated from
dith's progress. Darling Pet, having had his sleepy  one so corpulent, and extending his right arm, the
face washed before being placed in his bed, had so  clenched fist whereof trembled above the table with
completely recovered himself as to insist upon com- passion; "Base urchin! is it to see and hear your
ing down stairs again. He was now heard on his yells and antics that I am invited to this place toway, beating his drum, and singing and shouting, day! Was I inveigled here to enjoy your pretty
as he descended. Papa, however, began his speech  play and prattle close to my elbow all dinner-time!
again, in hopes of finishing before the accompani- -to feel continual gouts of gravy, and bits of fat
ment overwhelmed him.                           and sweetmeat dropped upon my knees!-to have
"I have to propose"-rub-a-dub-dub!-" a toast filbert maggots tossed into my waistcoat, and orto you all,"-ti, rub-a-dub, rub I-" which, I'm sure ange juice and pips shot and squirted into my very
you must drink with delight." —Row-de-dow, rack- face! —Mr. Meredith! —Sir!-this is not to be ena-tack too! "It is the health of a guest, who has dured. Talk of system-theory-infant education,
honored us here with his " —rub-a-dub-dub, doodle- indeed! your advisers are lamentably in the dark.
doo!-" a gentleman, whose well-known urbanity, There is not one idea entertained upon the subject
and fund of anecdote, is the universal-"        by that child's grandmammas, uncles, aunts, nor,
The tumultuous entrance of Darling Petkin, here  give me leave to say, Sir, by his papa or mamma,
rendered the speaker quite inaudible, and " poor which is not directly the opposite of right. I wish
papa," casting a deplorable look at deplorable  distinctly to say, that the whole system of behavior
mamma, fairly gave it up, and sat down.         and treatment adopted towards that creature, is as
The Spoiled Child was in his night-gown and night- wrong and injurious to him now, and will be for his
cap; his drum was slung round his neck; he had a future life, as possible. A more ruinous system
sword at his side, and a drumstick in one hand, could scarcely be invented by the most elaborate inwhile he used a wooden gun as a drumstick in the  tention of mischief. You think I say all this only beother. In the very middle of the table did he in- cause he has flung a decanter upon my toe; but I
sist upon being placed, with his drum before him, don't. It is the pain, Sir, which has shot the truth
and then he commenced an uproar and havoc on out of me all of a lump. I say again, a more comevery thing within his range, such as we shall re- plete specimen of an atrocious'Spoiled Child' I
frain frQm attempting to describe. At length, by  never read or heard of-with all my' fund of aneca whirl of his gun, the sweet lamb smote a tall can- dote;'-so base an urchin I never saw in the most
dle, which, falling sideways, touched the head-dress tormenting dream!"
of Grandmamma Thompson, and set it all in a blaze.   With these words, Mr. Scrope Bellyfield floundered
With a loud screaming, "Take me, mamma!" out of the room, and left the house, never again to
(while Uncle Ben extinguished the fiery old crown) set foot in it. Mr. Meredith never had the satisfacthe sweet lamb flew along the table to mamma's ex- tion of writing M. P. after his name: he saw it was
panded arms, and, in doing so, overturned a heavy  of no use to stand an election.
AN  OVERCHARGE.-A  RESUSCITATED  JOE, VERSIFIED.
SOME twenty years ago-it may be more-           He loaded-twirled the rod about with grace,
When Bonaparte was in lofty station,            And, soldier-like, his footing firmly takes.
He vow'd he'd fly his eagles on the shore,      He touched the trigger, but the piece was dumb,
He touched the trigger, but the piece was dumb,
And freedom give to all the British nation.     For why? our hero had forgot to prime
For why? our hero had forgot to prime!
Now, John Bull relished not this kind intention;    He scratched his head, and after many a hum,
- He knew that eagles were much given topeck;   "There's not enough," so charged another time.
So thanked the Emperor for his attention,       Yet all was hush; his efforts were in vainYet firm resolved his progress he would check.   A third he tried-nor yet the  fourth was rightFrom John o' Groat to Cornwall's austral end,   He charged and rammed, and rammed and charged
A race of volunteers immediate springs,             again,
And valiant hearts their country to defend,       Till down the tenth he forced with all his might.
Who swore they'd clip th' Imperial eagle's wings. But now a ray of reason glanced his soul,
"I see-I see my error-never fear!
Sam Miles, a lad with heart of British Oak,  I see- I see my error-never fear!
Sam Miles, a lad with heart of British Oak,   All's right, my love; I quite forgot the hole(His head was somewhat of a softer mould,)      I ought t' have put a little priming here."
Among the awkward squad his station took,
And in a moment grew a soldier bold.          He fired-bang! with a tremendous sound;
The piece was burst and straight to atoms flew,
The drill was over-well he'd play'd his part;   Laid one brave warrior sprawling on the ground,
Now homeward to his loving spouse he hies;      And by his side, unhurt his wife so true.
Explain'd the mysteries of the martial art,
And held the musket to her gazing eyes.       After a while, the wife began to rise;
Sam seized her fast-roared out with voice of wo,
"-Come here, my love; I'll quickly fire the piece,   "Janet, Janet, keep still, and shut your eyes,
And you shall hear the wondrous noise it makes."'Tis only once! she's nine times more to go!"




SEAMEN ON SHORE.                                     911
SEAMEN ON SHORE.
RY LEIGH HUNT.
THE sole business of a seaman on shore, who has a-crown for treading on his toe. He asks the landto go to sea again, is to take as much pleasure as lady, with a sigh, after her daughter Nance, who
he can. The moment he sets his foot on dry  first fired his heart with her silk stockings; and
ground, he turns his back on all salt beef and other finding that she is married and in trouble, leaves
salt-water restrictions. His long absence, and the  five crowns for her, which the old lady appropriates
impossibility of getting land pleasures at sea, put as part payment for a shilling in advance. He goes
him upon a sort of desperate appetite. He lands, to the Port playhouse with Bet Monson, and a great
like a conqueror taking possession. He has been  red handkerchief full of apples, gingerbread nuts,
debarred so long, that he is resolved to have that and fresh beef; calls out for the fiddlers and Rule
matter out with the inhabitants. They must ren- Britannia; pelts Tom Sikes in the pit; and comder an account to him of their treasures, their wo- pares Othello to the black ship's cook in his white
men, their victualling stores, their entertainments, nightcap.  When he comes to London, he and
their every thing; and in return, he will behave  some messmates take a hackney-coach, full of Bet
like a gentleman, and scatter his gold.         Monsons and tobacco-pipes, and go through the
His first sensation at landing, is the strange firm- streets smoking and lolling out of window. He has
ness of the earth, which he goes treading in a sort
of heavy light way, half wagoner and half dancingmaster, his shoulders rolling, and his feet touching
and going; the same way, in short, in which he
keeps himself prepared for all the chances of the
vessel, when on deck. There is always this appearance of lightness of foot and heavy strength of CN
upper works, in a sailor. And he feels it himself.
He lets his jacket fly open, and his shoulder slouch,
and his hair grow long, to be gathered into a heavy
pig-tail; but when full-dressed, he prides himself
on a certain gentility of toe, on a white stocking
and a natty shoe, issuing lightly out of the flowing
blue trowser. His arms are neutral, hanging and
swinging in a curve aloof; his hands half open, as
if they had just been handling ropes, and had no    
object in life but to handle them again. He is /
proud of appearing in a new hat and- slops, with a
Belcher handkerchief flowing loosely round his
neck, and the corner of another out of his pocket.
Thus equipped, with pinchbeck buckles in his shoes
(which he bought for gold), he puts some tobacco
irn his mouth, not as if he were going to use it directly, but as if he stuffed it in a pouch on one
side, as a pelican does fish, to employ it hereafter;
and so, with Bet Monson at his side, and perhaps
a cane or whanghee twisted under his other arm,
sallies forth to take possession of the Lubberland. ever been cautious of venturing on horseback, and
He buys every thing that he comes athwart-nuts, among his other sights in foreign parts, relates with
gingerbread, apples, shoe-strings, beer, brandy, gin, unfeigned astonishment how he has seen the Turks
buckles, knives, a watch (two, if he has money  ride: "Only," says he, guarding against the hearenough), gowns and handkerchiefs for Bet and his er's incredulity, "they have saddle-boxes to hold
mother and sisters, dozens of "Superfine Best'em in, fore and aft,.and shovels like for stirrups."
Men's Cotton Stockings," dozens of "superfine Best He will tell you how the Chinese drink, and the
Women's Cotton Ditto," best good Check for Shirts Neaurs dance, and the monkeys pelt you with cocoa(though he has too much already), infinite needles nuts; and how King Domy would have built him a
and thread (to sew his trowsers with some day), a mud hut and made him a peer of the realm, if he
footman's laced hat, Bear's Grease, to make his would have stopped with him, and taught him to
hair grow (by way of joke), several sticks, all sorts make trowsers. He has a sister at a " School for
of Jew articles, a flute (which he can't play, and Young Ladies," who blushes with a mixture of
never intends), a leg of mutton, which he carries pleasure and shame at his appearance; and whose
somewhere to roast, and for a piece of which the confusion he completed by slipping fourpence into
landlord of the Ship makes him pay twice what he her hand, and saying loud that he has "no more
gave for the whole; in short, all that money can  copper" about him. His mother and elder sisters
be spent upon, which is every thing but medicine at home doat on all he says and does; telling him,
gratis, and this he would insist on paying for. He however, that he is a great sea-fellow, and was alwould buy all the'painted parrots on an Italian's ways wild ever since he was a hop-o'-my-thumb, no
head, on purpose to break them, rather than not higher than the window locker. He tells his mospend his money. He has fiddles and a dance at ther that she would be a duchess in Paramaboo; at
the Ship, with oceans of flip and grog; and gives which the good old portly dame laughs and looks
the blind fiddler tobacco for sweetmeats, and half- proud. When his sisters complain of his romping,




912                                  SEAMEN  ON SHORE.
he says that they are only sorry it is not the baker. it, time out of mind, in songs; and he looks upon
He frightens them with a mask made after the New  constancy as a sort of exploit, answering to those
Zealand- fashion, and is forgiven for his learning. which he performs at sea. He is nice in his watches
Their mantel-piece is filled by him with shells and  and linen. He makes you presents of cornelians,
sharks' teeth; and when he goes to sea again, there  antique seals, cocoa-nuts set in silver, and other
is no end of tears, and "God bless you's!" and  valuables. When he shakes hands with you, it is
home-made-gingerbread.                          like being caught in a windlass. He would not
His officer on shore does much of all this, only, swagger about the streets in his uniform, for the
generally speaking, in a higher taste. The moment world. He is generally modest in company, though
he lands, he buys quantities of jewelry and other liable to be irritated by what he thinks ungentlevaluables, for all the females of his acquaintance; manly behavior. He is also liable to be rendered
and is taken in for every article. He sends in a irritable by sickness; partly because he has been
cart-load of fresh meat to the ship, though he is used to command others, and to be served with all
going to town next day; and calling in at a chan- possible deference and alacrity; and partly, bedler's for some candles, is persuaded to buy a dozen  cause the idea of suffering pain, without any honor
of green wax, with which he lights up the ship at or profit to get by it, is unprofessional, and he is
evening; regretting that the fine moonlight hinders not accustomed to it. He treats talents unlike his
the effect of the color. A man, with a bundle be- own with great respect.  He often perceives his
neath his arm, accosts him in an under tone; and, own so little felt, that it teaches him this feeling for
with a look in which respect for his knowledge is that of others. Besides, he admires the quantity
mixed with an avowed zeal for his own interest, of information which people can get, without traasks if his Honor will just step under the gangway  veiling like himself; especially when he sees how
here, and inspect some real India shawls. The gal- interesting his own becomes, to them as well as to
lant lieutenant says to himself, "This fellow knows every body else. When he tells a story, particuwhat's what, by his face;" and so he proves it, by  larly if full of wonders, he takes care to maintain
being taken in on the spot. When he brings the  his character for truth and simplicity, by qualifying
shawls home, he says to his sister with an air of it with all possible reservations, concessions, and
triumph, " There, Poll, there's something for you; anticipations of objection; such as " in case, at such
only cost me twelve, and is worth twenty if it's times as, so to speak, as it were, at least, at any
worth a dollar."  She turns pale-" Twenty what, rate."  He seldom uses sea-terms but whenjocosely
my dear George? Why, you haven't given twelve  provoked by something contrary to his habits of
dollars for it, I hope?"  "Not I, by the Lord." life; as for instance, if he is always meeting you
" That's lucky; because you see, my dear George, on horseback, he-asks if you never mean to walk
that all together is not worth more than fourteen  the deck again; or if he finds you studying day
or fifteen shillings."  "Fourteen or fifteen what! after day, he says you are always overhauling your
Why it's real India, en't it?  Why the fellow told  log-book. He makes more new acquaintances, and
me so; or I'm sure I'd as soon "-(here he tries to  forgets his old ones less, than any other man in the
hide his blushes with a bluster) —I'd as soon have  busy world; for he is so compelled to make his
given him twelve douses on the chaps as twelve  home everywhere, remembers his native one as
guineas."  "Twelve guineas!" exclaims the sister; such a place of enjoyment, has all his friendly reand then  drawling forth, " Why-tmy-dear-  collections so fixed upon his mind at sea, and has
George," is proceeding to show him what the arti- so much to tell and to hear when he returns, that
cles would have cost at Condell's, when he inter- change and separation lose with him  the most
rupts her by requesting her to go and choose  heartless part of their nature. He also sees such
for herself a tea-table service. He then makes his a variety of customs and manners, that he becomes
escape to some messmates at a coffee-house, and  charitable in his opinions altogether; and charity,
drowns his recollection of the shawls in the best while it diffuses the affections, cannot let the old
wine, and a discussion on the comparative merits ones go. Half the secret of human intercourse is
of the English and West-Indian beauties and tables. to make allowance for each other.
At the theatre afterwards, where he has never been    When the Officer is superannuated or retires, he
before, he takes a lady at the back of one of the  becomes, if intelligent and inquiring, one of the
boxes for a woman of quality; and when, after re- most agreeable old men in the world, equally welturning his long respectful gaze with a smile, she  come to the silent for his card-playing, and to the
turns aside and puts her handkerchief to her mouth, conversational for his recollections. He is fond of
he thinks it is in derision, till his friend undeceives astronomy and books of voyages, and is immortal
him. He is introduced to the lady; and ever after- with all who know him for having been round the
wards, at the first sight of a woman of quality (with- world, or seen the transit of Venus, or had one of
out any disparagement either to those charming  his fingers carried off by a New Zealand hatchet,
personages), expects her to give him a smile. He  or a present of feathers from an Otaheitan beauty.
thinks the other ladies much better creatures than    Not elevated by his acquirements above some of
they are taken for; and for their parts, they tell his humbler tastes, he delights in a corner-cupboard
him, that if all men were like himself, they would  holding his cocoa-nuts and punch-bowl; has his
trust the sex again: —which, for aught we know, summer-house castellated and planted with wooden
is the truth. He has, indeed, what he thinks a cannon; and sets up the figure of his old ship, the
very liberal opinion of ladies in general; judging  Britannia, or the Lovely Nancy, for a statue in the
them all, in a manner, with the eye of a seaman's garden; where it stares eternally wi4h red cheeks
experience.  Yet he will believe nevertheless in  and round black eyes, as if in astonishment at its
the "true-love" of any given damsel whom  he  situation.
seeks in the way of marriage, let him roam as much,   Chaucer, who wrote his Canterbury Tales about
or remain as long at a distance, as he may. It is four hundred and thirty years ago, has among his
not that he wants feeling; but that he has read of  other characters in that work a SHIPMAN, who is




ST. VALENTINE S DAY.                                        913
exactly of the same cast as the modern sailor,-the     His harborough, his moon, and his lode manage,
same robustness, courage, and rough-drawn virtue,      There was not such from Hull unto Carthge.
Hardy he was, and wise, I undertake;
doing its duty, without -being very nice in helping    With many a tempest had his beard been shake.
itself to its recreations.  There is the very dirk, the  He knew well all the heavens, as they were,
complexion, the jollity, the experience, and the bad   From Gothland to the Cape de Finisterre,
horsemanship.  TheplainuaffectedeAnd every creek in Briton and in Spain.
horsemanship. The plain unaffected ending of the       His barge ycleped was the Magdelain.
description has the air of a sailor's own speech;
while the line about the beard is exceedingly pic- When about to tell his Tale, he tells his fellowturesque, poetical, and comprehensive.  In copying  travellers that he shall clink them so merry a bell,
it out, we shall merely alter the old spelling, where
the words are still modern.                            That it shall waken all this company:
But it shall not be of philosophy,
A shipman was there, wonned far by west;          Nor of physick, nor of terms quaint of law;
For aught I wot, he was of Dartmouth.               There is but little Latin in my maw.
He rode upon a rouncie, as he couth,*
All in a gown of falding to the knee.
A dagger hanging by a lace had he,                 The story he tells is a well-known one in the
About his neck, under his arm adown:            Italian novels, of a monk who made love to a merThe hot summer had made his hew all brown:      chant's wife, and borrowed a hundred francs of the
And certainly he was a good felaw.
Full many a draught of wine he hadde draw       husband to give her.  She accordingly admits his
From Bordeaux ward, while that the chapman slep  addresses, during the absence of her good man on
Of nice conscience took he no keep.             a journey.  When the latter returns, he applies to
If that he fought and had the higher hand,      the cunning monk for repayment, and is referred
By water he sent'em home to every land.
But of his craft, to reckon well his tides,     to the lady; who thus finds her mercenary behavior
His streames and his strandes him besides.      outwitted.
* He rode upon a hack-horse, as well as he could.
ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
BY LEIGH HUNT.
THE day's at hand, the young, the gay,              Now the postman may not choose
The lover's and the postman's day,                  But wear out his winter shoes,
The day when, for that only day,                    Knocking here, and knocking there,
February turns to May,                              Till a pulse fills all the air,
And pens delight in secret play,                    And the breathless blushes rise
And few may hear what many say.                     Under letter-reading eyes.
Be it dull, or be it fine,                     Anne has one, and Jane another,
Come with those bright eyes of thine;          Flying from their snatching brother.
Come, and make the season shine                Oh, may loving freedom meet
For the day, sweet Valentine!                 As much pardon and heart-heat,
As impertinence meets ire,
Now are formed sweet annual fates:                  And a thrust into the  ire.
Now the birds elect their mates;
Now. from danCome, and see that hearts combine
Now from dawn love goeth blind,                                      Q's    Valentine
Till its own true love it find:'
He'll not ope his eyes, nor she,
Till themselves encounter'd be,.earing,ond compulsory;                      Andl thou dost come.  Lo! I hear
Fearing bond compulsory;
Fearing Jones and fearing Jenkins,                  Pinions; and thy birds appear
An       d so they go w ith co nstant blinkings,    Two and two.  (Some larks from Dunstable
" And how  should they their true love know?,'      Clear the way, and act as constable.)
Oh, by answers, soft and low;
Oh, by ansn~ers, soft and low;      Cupids mingle with the birds,
Or by some such touch of hand,                      Luring on, with winged words,
As only love sucan understand;                      Youths and maidens, also pair'd,
Or a kiss (if safe from spies)                      Simple-cheek'd, and? gentle hair'd,
Bolder for the blindest eyes.                       But squeezing (simple though they be)
Gentle love, made bold with mirth,                  Each other's hands excessively.
Is the sweetest thing on earth.                     You can't conceive how hard they do it,
Come, with those kind eyes of thine,           Though their faces may not show it.
And make it bold, sweet Valentine!             Hymen, then, hung all with rings,
Danceth to their jingellings,
Now, the servant maiden stops,                      In a robe of saffron hue,
Doating on the stationers' shops,                   Like the crocus, now that's new.
Where she sees the hearts and darts,                Golden robes, and rings, and hairBleeding sweet as cherry tarts:                     Angel-like, he burns the air.
She'll to-day have one herself,                     And then thou comest, 0 thou priest,
Or close on Dick the pantry shelf.                  Whose sweet creed hath never ceased,
Come, with those kind eyes of thine;           Christian truly and benign,
Come, and bring him, Valentine!               Orthodoxest Valentine!




914                                 THE MONTHLY  NURSE.
THE MONTHLY NURSE.
BY LEIGH HUNT.
what  somebody  else
would like to have. But
she drinks rather than
w X j ij! I         \eats. She has not the
AD, i  i/t!1  I!I;'l. X  relish for a "bit o' din-..',~.,   I. 11''iner " that the servant-,l.li       maid has; though nobody but the washerwoman beats her at a
THE MONTHLY  TRS g the classIf ishe is thin, she is
I             - ~                                    generally straight as a
lup wihu  suc  ecpin  as wl                 stick, being of a condition  of body  that
i    not even  dras  will
/ ae  a   a                                                            ntumefy.  If she is fat,
u'I P d  a1 the d -                                    she is one ofn the fubsiest
int th  wrd nb u                                     of br the  cosy; though
w     requic bing  a complex//,li ~J] ",',''"''..",-(!d ional good-nature  to
nsettle the irritabs ilities
genratonrenfatsin laedaof wher  position, and
turn  the  balance  in
bleI'r ~ ~  ~        ~      ~       ja btfavor of comfort or
hin"s                                                 hope. She is the vietim  of watching; the
arbitress of her superiors; the servant, yet
advisedly, tea_ inc   dvic  indgnatlya    Grival, of doctors; the
crick inthederELD                                  opposer of innovations;
her mtseetaodkpvdtsa te mthe regretter of all old
household religions as
to  pap-boats, cradles,,i turl ~and swatches; the inhabitant of a hundred
bed-rooms; the Juno
THE MONTHLY NUhRSE-taking the class in the  Lucina of the ancients, or goddess of child-birth,
lump' without such exceptions as will be noticed  in the likeness of a cook-maid.  Her greatest conbefore we conclude-is a middle-aged  motherly  solation under a death (next to the corner-cupboard,
sort of a gossipping, hushing, flattering, dictatorial, and the not having had her advice taken about a
knowing, ignorant, not very delicate, comfortable, piece of flannel) is the handsomeness of the corpse;
uneasy, slip-slop kind of a blinking individual, be- and her greatest pleasure in life, is when lady and
tween asleep and awake, whose business it is-  baby are both gone to sleep, the fire bright, the
under Providence and the doctor-to see that a kettle boiling, and her corns quiescent.  She then
child be not ushered with too little officiousness first takes a pinch of snuff; by way of pungent anti.
into the world, nor brought up with too much good  cipation of bliss, or as a sort of concentrated essence
sense during the first month of its existence.  All of satisfaction; then a glass of spirits-then puts
grown people, with her (excepting her own family), the water in the tea-pot-then takes another glass
consist of wives who are brought to bed, and bus- of spirits (the last having been a small one, and the
bands who are bound to be extremely sensible of coming tea  affording a " counteraction ")-then
the supremacy of that event; and all the rising  smooths down her apron, adjusts herself in her
generation are infants in laced caps, not five weeks arm-chair, pours out the first cup of tea, and sits
old, with incessant thirst, screaming faces, thumpa- for a minute or two staring at the fire, with the
ble backs, and red little minnikin hands tipped with  solid complacency of an owl,-perhaps not without
hints of nails. She is the only maker of caudle i I something of his snore, between wheeze and snuffthe world. She takes snuff ostentatiously, drais box.
advisedly, tea incessantly, advice indignantly, a    Good and ill-nature, as in the case of every one
nap when she can get it, cold whenever there is a else, make the great difference between the enduracrick in the door, and the remainder of whatsoever bility, or otherwise, of this personage in your house;
her mistress leaves to eat or drink, provided it is  and the same qualities, in the master and mistress,




THE MONTHLY NURSE.                                      915
together with the amount of their good sense, or the  has always seen a case of more difficulty than the
want of it, have a like reaction. The good or ill, one in hand, and knows what was done for it; and
therefore, that is here said of the class in general, Doctor Gripps, who is "always" called in to such
becomes applicable to the individual accordingly. cases, and who is a very pleasant though rough sort
But as all people will get what power they can, the  of gentleman, calls her his " other right hand," and
pleasant by pleasant means, and the unpleasant by  " the jewel that rhymes to gruel."
the reverse, so the office of the Monthly Nurse, be    Armed with these potential notions in general,
her temper and nature what it will, is one that em- and the strongest possible sense of her viceroyalty
phatically exposes her to temptation that way; and  over master and mistress for the time being, she
her first endeavor, when she comes into a house, takes possession of the new room  and the new
is to see how far she can establish an undisputed  faces; and the motto of her reign-the Dieu et
authority on all points. In proportion to her suc- Mon Droit of her escutcheon-is "During the
cess or otherwise in this object, she looks upon the  month."  This phrase she has always at hand, like
lady as a charming, reasonable, fine, weak, cheata- a sceptre, wherewith to assert her privileges, and
ble creature, whose husband (as she tells him) "can  put down objection. "During the month," the
never be too grateful for her bearing such troubles lady is not to read a book. "During the month,"
on his account;" or as a Frenchified conceited  nobody is to lay a finger on the bed for the purmadam, who will turn out a deplorable match for pose of mnaking it, till her decree goes forth.
the poor gentleman, and assuredly be the death of "During the month," the muffle of the knocker is
the baby with her tantrums about " natural living," at her disposal. And "During the month," the
and her blasphemies against rum, pieces of fat, and  husband is to be nobody, except as far as she
Daffy's Elixir. The gentleman in like manner-or thinks fit, not even (for the first week or so) to his
"master," as the humbler ones call him-is, ac- putting his head in at the door. You would take
cording as he behaves himself, and receives her him to be the last man who had had any thing to
revelations for gospel, a "sweet good man,"-  do with the business. However, for her own sake,
"quite a gentleman," —"just the very model of a she generally contrives to condescend to become
husband for mistress," etc., etc.; or, on the other friends with him, and he is then received into high
hand, he is a "very strange gentleman,"-" quite  favor-is invited to tea with his wife, at some " unan oddity,"-one that is " not to be taught his own  usually early" period; and Nurse makes a bit of butgood,"-that will "neither be led nor druv," —that tered toast for "master" with her own hand, and
will "be the death of mistress with his constant not only repeats that "baby is as like him as two
fidge-fidge in and out of the room,"-and his mak- peas" (which it always is, the moment it is born, if
ing her "laugh in that dreadful manner," and so the lady's inclination is supposed to set that way),
forth;-and, as to his "pretending to hold the  but tells him that she fears he is "a sad charming
baby, it is like a cow with a candlestick."  "Hold- gentleman," for that "mistress talks of him in her
ing the baby," indeed, is a science, which she sleep."  The phrases commonest in her mouth are
reckons to belong exclusively to herself; she makes mostly of an endearing or flattering sort, with an
it the greatest favor to visitor or servant to let implication, in the tone, of her right to bestow
them venture upon a trial of it; and affable inti- them; and she is very aristocratic in her ideas.
mations are given to the oldest mothers of families, She tells the lady in her hour of trial, as the highest
who come to see her mistress, how they will do well encouragement to fortitude she can think of, that
to receive a little instruction on that head, and not "the Queen must suffer the same;" and the babies
venture to substitute their fine-spun theories for are always kings and queens, loves, darlings, jewels,
her solid practice; for your Monthly Nurse (next and poppets. Beauties also, be sure:-and as all
to a positive grandson) is the greatest teacher of babies are beautiful, and the last always more
your grandmother how to suck eggs, in the world; beautiful than the one before it, and "the child is
and you may have been forty years in the habit of father to the man," mankind, according to Nurse,
sticking a pin, and find your competency come to  ought to be nothing but a multitude of Venuses
nothing before the explanatory pity of her infor- and Adonises; aldermen should be mere Cupids
mation.                                         full grown; and the passengers in Fleet Street,
Respecting the "doctor," her thoughts cannot male and female, slay one another, as they go, with
be so bold or even so patronizing. She is con- the unbearableness of their respective charms.
fessedly second to him, while he is present; and  But she has also modes of speech, simply pathetic
when he has left the room, a spell remains upon  or judicious. If the lady, when her health is inher from his superior knowledge. Yet she has her quired after, is in low spirits, she is described as
hearty likes or dislikes of him  too, and on the  "taking on so;" if doing well, it must not be too
same grounds of self-reference. If she likes him, well, for the honor of the importance of the case,
there "never was such a beautiful doctor," except and the general dignity of ailment; and hence the
perhaps Sir William, or Doctor Buttermouth (both  famous answer, " as well as can be expected."  By
dead), and always excepting the one that recom- the time the baby arrives at the robustness of a
mended herself. He is a " fine man"-so patient fortnight old, and appears to begin to smack its
-so without pride-and yet " so firm like;"-no- lips, it is manifestly the most ill-used of infant elebody comes near him for a difficult case-for a fe- gancies, if a series of random hits are not made at
ver case-for the management of a " violent lady." its mouth and cheeks with a piece of the fat of pig;
If she dislikes him, he is "queer"-" odd"-" stub- and, when it is sleepy' and yet will "not go to
born"-has the " new ways,"-very proper, she has sleep" (which is a phenomenon usually developed
no doubt, but not what she has been used to, or about the time that Nurse wants her tea), or when
seen practised by the doctors about court. And  it is "fractious" for not having had enough pig, or
whether she likes him or not, she has always a sav- from something else which has been counteracted,
ing grace for herself, of superiority to all other or any thing but the sly sup of gin lately given it,
nurses, in point of experience and good luck. She  or the pin which is now running into its back, it is




916                                A CHAPTER ON HATS.
equally clear, that if Daffy, or Godfrey, or rocking  " As if any treatment " (she thinks) " except in the
the chair will not do, a perpetual thumping of the  article of rum and sugar, and the mode of holding,
back, and jolting of its very soul out will; and, ac- can be of consequence to one so young!"  She is
cordingly, there lies the future lord or lady of the  nevertheless very diligent in looking for " marks"
creation, prostrate across the nurse's knees, a lump  about his body, and tracing them to influences on
in a laced cap and interminable clothes, getting  the mother's mind; and yet she cannot see that
redder and redder in the face, ejaculating such  the then impressible little creature is still impressiagonies between grunt and shout as each simulta- ble. Heaven and earth are to come together if the
neous thump will permit, and secretly saluted by  piece of fat is not supplied, or the clothes are not
its holder with "brats," and "drat it," and "was of the proper fashion; but the sudden affrightment,
there ever such an'obstropulous' little devil!" the secret blow, the deadening jolt to sleep, or the
while her lips are loud in deprecation of the  giving way to nothing but the last rage, these are
"naughty milk," or the "naughty cat" (which is to be of no importance. She has no doubt, neverto be beaten for its ill-behavior); and "Dordie" theless, that its brothers and sisters are all impres(Georgy) is told to "go" to a mysterious place, sible, whatever the infant may be; and accordingcalled " Bye-Bye;" or the whole catechism of nur- ly, with her usual instinct of the love of power,
sery interrogation is gone through, from the past she generally contrives do as much inconsiderate
tenses of the amenities of " Was it a poppet then?" harm  to them as possible, and lays the seeds of
and "Did it break its pretty heart?" up to the jealousy in their minds-if none be there alreadyfuture glories of "Shall it be a King then?"' Shall by telling them that they must now cease to look
it be a King Pepin?" "Shall it be a Princy-wincy?" upon themselves as the only important persons in
a " Countess?" a " Duchess?" "Shall it break the  the family, for that " a little stranger has come to
fine gentlemen's hearts with those beautiful blue  put their noses out of joint."  Pleasing and piceyes?"  In the midst of tragi-comic burlesque of turesque introduction to the fraternal affections!
this sort, have risen upon the world its future    Do not despise her; no, not even when porMarses and Apollos, its Napoleons, its Platos, and  trayed as in our artist's picture, under her worst
its Shaksperes.                                 aspect, for a warning. Engage not such a nurse as
Alas! that it should be made a question (ridi- that if you can help it; yet pity while you refuse
culed indeed by the shallow, the nurse among them, her, for perhaps she would not have had that asbut very seriously mooted by philosophers) whe- pect, but for the unnatural sleeplessness to which
ther in that first and tenderest month of existence, her duties forced her, nor have been given to that
the little bundle of already made organs, sensations, poison by her side, but for some aggravation of
and passions, does not receive impressions from  care occasioned by domestic troubles of her own.
this frivolous elderly "nobody," which may affect Even she-even that wretched incontinent face
the temper and disposition of the future man or and burly person-has once been an infant, as we
woman! whether the "beautiful fury,"-though we  all have,-perhaps flattered for her beauty, (who
confess we never saw such a phenomenon-whether would now think it?) the darling and the spoil of
the crash in the china closet, or the sacrifice of a some weak mother like herself. Thus are errors
daughter's happiness to a father's will and obstinacy, propagated, till we discover that personal reproach
had not its first seeds sown in the lap of this poppet- and satire are of little use, and that it is systems
dandling simpleton. Not its "first," we apprehend. which are to be better taught, before individuals
Those, we take it, are of far earlier origin, the little  can improve.  Poor old nurse!  Strange indeed
-creature being much older than is generally sup- would it be to begin with reprobating her! Let us
posed, when it comes under the influence of this see that she does as little harm as may be, crown (or
its third, and most transitory, and not always most half crown) her with fees for her caudle, and disfoolish modifier. But we have no doubt that she miss her as fast as possible, with a deprecation of
contributes her portion of effect. This is, however, her sciatica.
what she herself can by no means comprehend.
A CHAPTER ON HATS.
BY LEIGH HUNT.
WE know not what will be thought of our taste  difficult) being to say good things to all four; or
in so important a matter, but we must confess we to clap the hat upon each of their heads, and see
are not fond of a new hat. There is a certain in- what pretty milk-women they make. At last, the
solence about it: it seems to value itself upon its approving votes are pronounced; and (provided it
finished appearance, and to presume upon our is fine) we may go forth. But how uneasy the
liking before we are acquainted with it. In the  sensation about the head!  How unlike the old
first place, it comes home more like a marmot or hat, to which we had become used, and which must
some other living creature, than a manufacture. It now make way for this fop of a stranger! We
is boxed up, and wrapt in silver paper, and brought might do what we liked with the former. Dust,
delicately. It is as sleek as a lap-dog. Then we rain, a gale of wind, a fall, a squeeze,-nothing afare to take it out as nicely, and people are to won- fected it. It was a true friend, a friend for all
der how we shall look in it. Maria twitches one  weathers.  Its appearance only was against it: in
this way, and Sophia that, and Caroline that, and  every thing else it was the better for wear. But
Catharine t'other. We have the difficult task, all if the roads or the streets are too dry, the new hat
the while, of looking easy, till the approving votes is afraid of getting dusty: if there is wind, and it
are pronounced; our only resource (which is also  is not tight, it may be blown off into the dirt; we




A CHAPTER ON HATS.                                     91T
may'have to scramble after it through dust or can be carried into with safety, is a church; for
mud; just reaching it with our fingers, only to see  there is plenty of room there. There also takes
it blown away again. And if rain comes on! Oh  place its only union of the ornamental with the
ye gallant apprentioes, who have issued forth on a useful, if so it is to be called: we allude to the
Sunday morning, with Jane or Susan, careless preparatory ejaculation whispered into it by the
either of storms at night-fall, or toils and scoldings genteel worshipper, before he turns round and
next day! Ye, who have received new hats and  makes a bow to Mr. and Mrs. Jones and the Miss
boots but an hour before ye set out; and then is- Thompsons. There is a formula for this occasion;
sue forth triumphantly, the charmer by your side! and doubtless it is often used, to say nothing of exShe, with arm in yours, and handkerchief in hand, tempore effusions: but there are wicked imaginablushing, or eating gingerbread, trips on: yp, ad- tions, who suspect that instead of devouter whismiring, trudge; we ask ye, whether love itself has perings, the communer with his lining sometimes
prevented ye from feeling a certain fearful con- ejaculates no more than Swallow, St. James'ssciousness of that crowning glory, the new and  street; or, Augarde and Spain, Hatters, No. 51
glossy hat, when the first drops of rain announce  Oxford-street, London:-after which he draws up
the coming of a shower! Ah, hasten, while yet it his head with infinite gravity and preparation; and
is of use to haste; ere yet the spotty horror fixes makes the gentle recognitions aforesaid.
on the nap!  Out with the protecting handker-   But wherever there is a crowd, the new hat is
chief, which, tied round the hat, and flowing off in  worse than useless. It is a pity that the general
a corner behind, shall gleam through the thick- retrenchment of people's finances did away with
ening night like a superb comet! Trust not the  the fiat opera hat, which was a very sensible thing.
tempting yawn of stable-yard or gate-way, or the  The round one is only in the way. The matting
impossible notion of a coach! The rain will con- over the floor of the opera does not hinder it from
tinue; and, alas! ye are not so rich as in the morn- getting dusty; not to mention its chance of a kick
ing. Hasten! or think of a new hat becoming a from the inconsiderate. But from  the pit of the
rain-spout! Think of its well-built crown, its grace- other theatres, you may bring it away covered with
ful and well-measured fit, the curved-up elegance  sawdust, or rubbed up all the wrong way of the
of its rim, its shadowing gentility when seen in  nap, or monstrously squeezed into a shapeless
front, its arching grace over the ear when beheld  lump. The least thing to be expected in a pressideways! Think of it also the next day! How  sure, is a great poke in its side like a sunken
altered, how dejected!                          cheek.
Boating is a mortal enemy to new hats. A showThat life of measure and that soul of rim Iow cer has you fast in a common boat; or a sail-line, or
an inexperienced oar, may knock the hat off: and
Think of the paper-like change of its consistence; then fancy it tilting over the water with the tide;
of its limp sadness-its confused and flattened nap, soaked all the- while beyond redemption, and esand of that polished and perfect circle, which nei- caping from the tips of your outstretched fingers,
ther brush nor hot iron shall restore!          while you ought all to be pulling the contrary way
We have here spoken of the beauties of a new  home.
hat; but abstractedly considered, they are very    But of all wrong boxes for a new hat, avoid a
problematical. Fashion makes beauty for a time. mail-coach. If you keep it on, you will begin nodOur ancestors found a grace in the cocked hats  ding perhaps at midnight, and then it goes janmnow confined to beadles, Chelsea pensioners, and  ming against the side of the coach, to the equal
coachmen. They would have laughed at our chim- misery of its nap and your own. If you take it
ney-tops with a border: though upon the whole  off, where is its refuge?  Will the clergyman take
we do think them the more graceful of the two. the least heed of it, who is snoring comfortably in
The best modern covering for the head was the  one corner in his night-cap?  Or will the farmer,
imitation of the broad Spanish hat in use about jolting about inexorably? Or the regular traveller,
thirty years back, when Mr. Stothard made his de- who, in his fur-cap and infinite knowledge of highsigns for the Novelist's Magazine. But in propor- way conveniences, has already beheld it with contion as society has been put into a bustle, our hats tempt? Or the old market-woman, whom it is in
seem to have narrowed their dimensions: their vain to request to be tender?  Or the young damflaps were clipped off more and more till they be- sel, who wonders how you can think of sleeping in
came a rim; and now the rim has contracted to a such a thing?  In the morning, you suddenly miss
mere nothing; so that what with our close heads your hat, and ask after it with trepidation. The
and our tight succinct mode of dress, we look as if traveller smiles.  They all move their legs, but
we were intended for nothing but to dart back- know nothing of it; till the market-woman exwards and forwards on matters of business, with as claims, " Deary me! Well-lord, only think! A
little hinderance to each other as possible.    hat is it, sir?  Why I do believe,-but I'm sure I
This may give us a greater distaste to the hat never thought o' such a thing more than the child
than it deserves; but, good-looking or not, we  unborn,-that it must be a hat then which I took
know of no situation in which a new one can be  for a pan I've been a buying; and so I've had my
said to be useful. We have seen how the case is warm  foot in it, Lord help us, ever since five
during bad weather: but if the weather is in the  o'clock this blessed morning!"
finest condition possible, with neither rain nor dust,   It is but fair to add, that we happen to have an
there may be a hot sunshine; and then the hat is educated antipathy to the hat. At our school, no
too narrow to shade us: no great evil, it is true; but hats were worn, and the cap is too small to be a
we must have our pique out against the knave, and  substitute. Its only use is to astonish the old' laturn him to the only account in our power:-we  dies in the street, who wonder how so small a thing
must write upon him. For every other purpose, can be kept on; and to this end we used to rub it
we hold him as naught. The only place a new hat into the back or side of the head, where it hung:
59




918                                A CHAPTER ON HATS.
like a worsted wonder. It is after the fashion of pinches up at the side; and at last appeared the
Katharine's cap in the play: it seems as if     fierce and triple-daring cocked hat. This disappeared in our childhood, or only survived among
Moulded on a porringer:           the military, the old, and the reverend, who could
Why,'tis a cockle, or a walnut-shell,
A knack, a toy, a trick, a baby's cap;  not willingly part with their habitual dignity. An
A custard coffin, a bauble,             old beau or so would also retain it, in memory of
its victories when young. We remember its going
But we may not add                              away from  the heads of the foot-guards. The
I love thee well, in that thou likest it not;  heavy dragoons retained it till lately. It is now
almost sunk into the mock-heroic, and confined, as
Ill befall us, if we ever dislike any thing about thee, we before observed, to beadles and coachmen, etc.
old nurse of our childhood! How independent of The modern clerical beaver, agreeably to the dethe weather used we to feel in our old friar's dress, liberation with which our establishments depart
-our thick shoes, yellow worsted stockings, and  from all custom, is a cocked hat with the front flap
coarse long coat or gown! Our cap was oftener let down, and only a slight pinch remaining behind.
in our hand than on our head, let the weather be  This is worn also by the judges, the lawyers being
what it would. We felt a pride as well as pleasure, of clerical extraction. Still, however, the true
when everybody else was hurrying through the  cocked-hat lingers here and there with a solitary
streets, in receiving the full summer showers with  old gentleman; and wherever it appears in such
uncovered poll, sleeking our glad hair like the  company, begets a certain retrospective reverence.
feathers of a bird.                             There was a something in its connection with the
It must be said for hats in general, that they are  high-bred drawing-room times of the seventeenth
a very ancient part of dress, perhaps the most an- century; in the gallant though quaint ardor of its
cient; for a negro, who has nothing else upon him, look; and in its being lifted up in salutations with
sometimes finds it necessary to guard off the sun  that deliberate loftiness, the arm  arching up in
with a hat of leaves or straw. The Chinese, who  front and the hand slowly raising it by the front
carry their records farther back than any other angle with finger and thumb-that could not easily
people, are a hatted race, both narrow-brimmed  die. We remember, when our steward at school,
and broad. We are apt to think of the Greeks as remarkable for his inflexible air of precision and
a bare-headed people; and they liked to be so; dignity, left off his cocked hat for a round one;
but they had hats for journeying in, such as may  there was, undoubtedly, though we dared only half
be seen on the statues of Mercury, who was the  confess it to our minds, a sort of diminished magod of travellers. They were large and flapped, jestv about him. His infinite self-possession began
and were sometimes fastened round under the chin  to look remotely finite. His Crown Imperial was
like a lady's bonnet. The Eastern nations gene- a little blighted. It was like divesting a column of
rally wore turbans, and do still, with the exception  its capital. But the native stateliness was there,
of the Persians, who have exchanged them for informing the new hat. He
large conical caps of felt. The Romans copied the                    had not yet lost
Greeks in their dress, as in every thing else; but     All his original beaver: nor appeared
the poorer orders wore a cap like their boasted        Less than arch-steward ruined, and the excess
Phrygian ancestors, resembling the one which the       Of glory obscured.
reader may see about the streets upon the bust of   The late Emperor Paul had conceived such a
Canova's Paris. The others would put their robes sense of the dignity of the cocked hat, aggravated
about their heads, upon occasion,-after the fash- by its having been deposed by the round one of the
ion of the hoods of the middle ages, and of the  French republicans, that he ordered all persons in
cloth head-dresses which we see in the portraits of his dominions never to dare be seen in public with
Dante and Petrarch. Of a similar mode are the  round hats, upon pain of being knouted and sent to
draperies on the heads of our old Plantagenet kings Siberia.
and of Chaucer. The velvet cap which succeeded,   Hats being the easiest part of the European dress
appears to have come from  Italy, as seen in the  to be taken off, are doffed among us out of reverportraits of Raphael and Titian; and it would prob- ence. The Orientals, on the same account, put off
ably have continued till the French times of Charles their slippers instead of turbans, which is the reathe Second, for our ancestors, up to that period, son why the Jews still keep their heads covered
were great admirers of Italy, had not Philip the  during worship. The Spanish grandees have the
Second of Spain come over to marry our Queen  privilege of wearing their hats in the royal presMary. The extreme heats of Spain had forced the  ence, probably in commemoration of the free spirit
natives upon taking to that ingenious compound of in which the Cortes used to crown the sovereign;
the hat and umbrella, still known by the name of telling him (we suppose in their corporate capacity)
the Spanish hat. We know not whether Philip  that they were better men than he, but chose him
himself wore it. His father, Charles the Fifth, who  of their own free will for their master. The granwas at the top of the world, is represented as de- dees only claim to be as good men, unless their
lighting in a little humble-looking cap. But we families are older. There is a well-known story of
conceive it was either from Philip, or some gentle- a picture, in which the Virgin Mary is represented
man in his train, that the hat and feather succeeded  with a label coming out of her mouth, saying to a
among us to the cap and jewels of Henry the  Spanish gentleman who has politely taken off his
Eighth. The ascendency of Spain in those times hat, "Cousin, be covered."  But the most interestcarried it into other parts of Europe. The French, ing anecdote connected with a hat belongs to the
not requiring so much shade from the sun, and al- family of the De Courceys, Lords Kinsale. -One of
ways playing with and altering their dress, as a their ancestors, at an old period of our history,
child does his toy, first covered the brim with feath- having overthrown a huge and insolent champion,
ers, then gave them a pinch in front; then came  who had challenged the whole court, was desired




THE FISHT  THE MAN, AND THE SPIRIT.  JOHN KEMBLE'S RUFFLE.                       919
by the king to ask him some favor. He requested jealous thing, for these exceptions only prove the
that his descendants should have the privilege of roval rule. The Spanish grandees originally took
keeping their heads covered in the royal presence, their privilege instead of receiving it; but, when
and they do so to this day. The new lord, we be- the spirit of it had gone, their covered heads were
lieve, always comes to court on purpose to vindi- only so many intense recognitions of the king's digcate his right. We have heard, that on the last nity, which it was thought such a mighty thing to
occasion, probably after a long interval, some of resemble. A Quaker's hat is a more formidable
the courtiers thought it might as well have been  thing than a grandee's.
dispensed with: which was a foolish as well as a
THE FISH, THE MAN, AND THE SPIRIT.
BY LEIGH HUNT,
TO FISH.                       For difference must itself by difference prove,
And, with sweet clang, the spheres with music fill.
You  strange, astonish'd-looking, angled-faced,  One of the spirits am I, that at their will
Dreary-mouth'd, gaping wretches of the sea,     Live in whate'er has life-fish, eagle, doveGulping salt water everlastingly,               No hate, no pride, beneath nought, nor above,
Cold-blooded, though with red your blood be graced, A visitor of the rounds of God's sweet skill.
And mute, though dwellers in the roaring waste;
And you, all shapes beside, that fishy be,
And you, all shapes beside, that fishy be,    Man's life is warm, glad, sad,'twixt loves and
Some round, some fiat, some long, all devilry,       gralad, sad, ves
Legless, unloving, infamously chaste;graves,
O scaly, slippery, wet, swift, staring wights,     Boundless in hope, honor'd with pangs austere,
What is't ye do? What life lead? eh, dull gog- Heav'n-gazing; and his angel-wings he craves:gles?                                       The fish is swift, small-needing, vague yet
How do ye vary your vile days and nights?              clear,
How pass yourSundays?  Areye stillbutjoggles A cold sweet silver life, wrapp'd in round waves,
In ceaseless wash? Still nought but gapes, and bites,   Quicken'd with touches of transporting fear.
And drinks, and stares, diversified with boggles?
[As the transition from the ludicrous to the
A F"ISH ANSWERES.         grave, in these verses, might otherwise appear too
violent, the reader will permit me to explain how
Amazing monster! that, for aught I know,        they arose. The first sonnet was suggested by a
With the first sight of thee didst make our race  friend's laughing at a description I was giving him
For ever stare! 0 flat and shocking face,     of the general aspect of fish (in which, by the way,
Grimly divided from the breast below!           if any body is curious, let him get acquainted with
Thou, that on dry land horribly dost go         them in Mr. Yarrell's excellent work on " British
With a split body and most ridiculous pace    Fishes," now in course of publication); the secon
Prong after prong, disgracer of all grace,    sonnet, being a lover of fair play, I thought but a
Long-useless-finn'd, haired, upright, unwet, slow!   just retort to be allowed to those fellow-creatures
of ours, who so differ with us in eyeballs and opinO breather of unbreathable, sword-sharp air,    ions; and the third, not liking to leave a quarrel
How canst exist? How bear thyself, thou dry    unsettled, and having a tendency to push a specuAnd dreary sloth? What particle canst share     lation as far as it will go, especially into those calm
Of the only blessed life, the watery?        and heavenward regions from which we always reI sometimes see of ye an actual pair            turn the better, if we calmly enter them, naturally
Go by!! link'd fin by fin!!! most odiously.  became as serious as the peace of mind is, with
which all speculations conclude that have harmony
THE FISH TURNS INTO A MAN, AND THEN INTO  and lovingness for their real object. The fish, in
A SPIRIT, AND AGAIN SPEAKS.             his retort, speaks too knowingly of his human banterer, for a fish; but- it will be seen, that a Spirit
Indulge thy smiling scorn, if smiling still,    animates him for the purpose.]
O man! and loathe, but with a sort of love;
JOHN KEMBLE'S RUFFLE.
ONCE, in a barn, the strolling wardrobe's list  "Now in the pocket keep the left from sight,
Had but one ruffle left for Hamlet's wrist.     While o'er your breast you keep your ruffled right;
Necessity, which has no law, they say,          Now in your robe your naked right repose,
Could, with one ruffle, but one arm display.    While down your left the dingy cambric flows;
"What's to be done?" the hero said and sighed.   Thus, tho' half skilled, as well as half-array'd,
"Shift hands each scene," a brother buskin    You'll make one change that Garrick never
cried;                                          made."




920                               THE MODEL FAST MAN.
THE MODEL FAST MAN.
BY HORACE MAYHEW.
You know him at If he meets the Lord Mayor's carriage with three
once by his being  footmen on the footboard, he is sure to call out
the  noisiest, the  "Whip behind!" and he laughs his loudest if the
most conspicuous coachman should unconsciously lay his whip across
person  wherever their calves. He is very rich in noises.  His "Vahe is. His dress, ri-e-ty" is unequalled at two o'clock in the morning1;
too, never fails to  and his collection of "Ri-too-loorals," and "Rnmattract public no- ti-oddities," and select choruses, is not to be surtice. He is unhap- passed by the oldest habitue of the Coal-hole. He
py if not seen-he  whistles, too, through his- fingers; and can bark,
is miserable if not crow, and bray quite naturally, especially inside
heard.            Exeter Hall, or any place where he shouldn't do it.
In the street he  One of his proudest achievements is to enter an
flourishes a little omnibus crowded with females, and to display on
stick, which, for his knees a large jar, marked " Leeches."  He dewant of something  lights, too, in sprinkling cayeniie-pepper and snuff
better to  do, he  on the floor of a dancing-party after supper, or in
3  rattles against the  going behind the cornet-a-piston, and making him
/  railings. He stares laugh during a long solo, when the struggling
ladies in the face, laughter, oozing out in short gasps through the
and takes his hat valves, nearly sends him into fits. He glories in
off to carriages, sending in six "brandies warm" to the chairman
and  delights  in  and different gentlemen on the platform of a Temkissing his hand to some old dowager who is look- perance Meeting. He makes a practice of ringing
ing out of a drawing-room window. A sedan-chair the bells of all doctors, as he walks home at night.
is his great amusement. He stops the porters, and    In the theatre, he slams the box-door, and shouts
asks them what they will take him to Buckingham  " Box-keeper!" with the most stentorian lungs. He
Palace and back again for?  He directs a hackney- is vociferous in his applause, and sparkles up at the
coach to drive as fast as possible to the British  prospect of a row. He likes to sneeze during the
Museum, and to ask Sir Henry Ellis to be kind  pathetic parts, and shouts "Brayvo, Wright!" when
enough to put it under a glass-case among the Fos- the old father is blessing his long-lost child. He
sils. He takes a card that is offered to him by a revels in a burlesque with plenty of Amazons in it.
street conjuror, and gives him in return one of his He cries out ".Encore!" at every thing, but Hicks
own, with an intimation that he "shall be happy to  especially.
see him at any time between two and four."  He    In respectable society he is awkward, and genewalks behind fat old ladies, and is very loud in his rally very quiet. He does not dance, not knowing
praises "of the jolly mad bull there is in the next what to say to his partner. He hangs about the
street."  He rings area-bells and inquires "if they  door and staircase, and consoles himself with the
could oblige him with the loan of a cucumber- cakes and wine; he leaves early, for "he is dying
slicer for five minutes."  He removes any pewter- for a pipe and a drop of beer."
pot he finds, and knocks at the door to ask "if it   In his appearance he selects the gayest fast colors,
belongs to them: it was hanging outside the rail- and the more the merrier. His shirt is curiously ilings, and might be stolen by some unprincipled  luminated with pink ballet-girls. He has the winperson."  News-venders are his especial favorites. ner of the Derby in his pocket-handkerchief.  His
He calls them from the other side of the way to ask  boots are very delicate, only keeping body and sole
" if they have got the Independent Doorknocker of together with the aid of large mother-of-pearl but1356; ifnot, he should like to see the third edition  tons. He revels in a white hat. His trowsers are
of the Times to-morrow."  He makes cruel faces to  of the chess-board pattern.  His shirt-pin is an
little babies as they hang over their nurses' shoul- enormous gooseberry, that would make the fortune
ders, and is flattered if he makes them cry. If he  of a penny-a-liner.  His coat has a Newmarket exmeets with twins, he is happy indeed. He shouts pression, of the very deepest green. He is above
into sausage shops as he passes by-" D'ye want gloves, but encourages a glass, suspended by some
any cats, dogs, or kittens, to-day?"  He hails an  nimagic process in his left eye.
omnibus, and while it is stopping, turns down the    His accomplishments are various. He carries in
next street; and he looks at a cabman till he drives his waistcoat pocket the stump of a clay pipe, the
up to him, when he wonders what the "cabbie"  bowl of which is quite black. He can walk along
wants: he was only admiring his handsome whis- the parapet of Waterloo Bridge. He can sleep in
kers. If he finds a looking-glass, he adjusts his toi- the station-house upon an emergency. He can
let in it, and takes off his hat, and bows to himself, slide, skate, and box a little, and play the French
exclaiming, "On my word, you are looking remark- horn. He can win a game of billiards, and give
ably well; I never saw you look better."  He looks you twenty. He is "up to a dodge or two" at
at the milliners through the shop-windows, and  cards. He can imitate all the actors, and a brick
darts at them his most piercing smiles. He stares falling down the chimney. He can fry a pancake
at the watch-makers at their work, with intense cu- in his hat, and light a cigar at a lamp-post. He
riosity, and talks to them with his fingers, till they  can manage a pair of sculls, and tool a tandem
get up and leave their stools with great indignation. through Smithfield Market. He can talk slang with




A MODEL IRISH  SPEAKER.'                                  921
a novelist, and "chaff an'University Man' off his an inferior. Impudence, to him, is fun —brutality,
legs."  He can also "do a bill," and many other the excess of refinement-giving pain, his most exthings, as well as persons, that ought not to be  quisite enjoyment. His highest notion of humor is
done. He is proficient in all the gentish graces of saying to every thing, "I believe you, my bo-o-o-y."
life, and knows " a small wrinkle or two " of every  In the morning-that is, the afternoon-he is feverthing. High life, low life, gambling life, sporting  ish; in the evening-that is to say, four o'clock in
life, fashionable life, every kind of life he is inti- the morning-he is what he calls "fresh."  His
mately acquainted with, particularly fast life. This first call is for soda-water, his last for brandy.
consists in his beginning the day six hours after Such is the great beginning, and such the grand
everybody else, and finishing it six hours later. It end, of the existence of the MODEL FAST MAN.
implies the knowledge, on his part, of the Polka,
with certain embellishments, and a constant attendance at Casinos, and other places where that knowledge can be displayed. It involves, also, a course
of theatres, sporting-houses, masquerades, singingtaverns, cigar-shops, cider-cellars, and early coffeehouses. To all of these the Model Fast Man is an
accomplished guide. He condemns every thing as
slow that does not keep pace with the rapidity with
which he runs, or rather gallops, through life; and
he annihilates everybody as slow who presumes to         _==__
live like a rational creature. All books are slow- 
Shakspere is slow —all domestic, all quiet enjoyments are slow. The country is very slow, and so
are sisters. He even calls the railways slow. His
great impulse is, "Fast bind, fast find," and he sighs
that society is not bound by the same fast law. He    -                                    -v
is without shame, as he is without gentlemanly feel —                                  a
ing. He is familiar with servants, is very facetious    z  (
with conductors, calls policemen by their letters,
jokes with waiters, and does nQt care how he insults
A MODEL IRISH SPEAKER.
BY HORACE MAYHEW.
How  have we monopolizes the tin mines entirely, almost all the
been treated for iron and coal, and thus cramps, sir, our native inthe  last  ten  dustry and commerce. Why has not Ireland her
thousand years own iron and coal? (Cries of " Why not?") I ask.
by  the  cold- again, why have we no tin? ("Shame! shame!")
blooded Saxon? and no brass? no zinc? no salmon? no elephants?
My hair stands no periwinkles? no king? (Immense cheering, duron end to tell ing which the honorable speaker sat down and slept
you.  (Cheers.) for a quarter of an hour, and then continued.) Oh!
Hasn't England  my beloved countrymen, I have had a most beautiso    managed  ful vision. I thought I saw every field of Ireland
matters in her covered with dancing corn, and embroidered with
own favor that the most beautiful sheep, whose wool was more exshe receives the  quisite than all the Berlin wool that was ever made
light of the sun in England (Cheers); and I thought, my countrytwo-and-twenty minutes before she permits a single men, its rivers were filled with more salmon and
ray to come to us? (A Voice; "It's true!") Eng- more periwinkles than ever carolled on the muddy
land may boast of her own enlightenment; but is Saxon shore (Cheers); and I thought, my countrythis justice to Ireland? (Tremendous Cries of "No! men, that on the brow of every other hill the
Vo!") I have next to accuse England of keeping  mighty elephant was reposing under the peaceful
aloof from us fully sixty miles at the nearest point. shade of the shamrock (more cheers); and again, I
Talk of our Union after that!:(Vociferous cheer- thought the corner of each field was filled with more
ing, which lasted several hours.) No, my country- iron, and tin, and brass, than would suffice to build
men, it is only a parchment Union, a lying thing, a railway from here to the bottom of England's
made of the skin of the innocent sheep; but, before perdition (Laughter and Cheers); and I thoughtwe go to bed this night, we'll see that bit of parch- may the beautiful vision be never effaced from the
meat torn into countless strips, so that every tailor iris of my weeping eyes!-that there were no dark
in Ireland shall have, to-morrow morning, a rem- clouds such as now lower o'er our bright country;
nant of it in his hands, to measure twelve millions but that the whole scene, so intensely Irish, was
of happy Irishmen with. (At this point the proceed- illumined, as if with a resplendent sun, with our
ings were interrupted by six persons being carried out own gas. (Enthusiastic shouts, the echoes of which
of the room who had fainted.  They are supposed to have not yet subsided in the neighborhood of the Casbe tailors.)  Well, sir, I denounce from this place  tie.) Oh! oh! when will this vision be realized?
the atrocious cupidity of England, by which she  When shall we see the poor Irishman-the finest




922                            OUR DOMESTIC PARLIAMENT.
peasant of the world-boiling his potato?  Ah! their knees to taste them. (It is impossible to dethe plundering Saxon cannot wring that from us; scribe the enthusiasm which broke out when the Hon.
though no thanks to the monster for the blight-  Gentleman resumed his seaton the ledge of the win(Shame)-boiling his potato, I say, with his own  dow. As many as had hats, threw them into the air;
coal, in a pot made of his own iron, and eat it on a those who had coats, took them off, and dragged them
plate made of his own pewter, with a knife bought along the ground; whilst a few of the hardiest nawith his own tin. Never! never! until the Repeal tives were observed to bury their faces in their coatis carried. (Three cheers for Repale.) Do you think  tails and weep audibly. The cheering was kept up
you'll ever have it? (" We will; we will.") Believe  till a very late hour, and the meeting broke up a litme, in all sincerity, you never will, until you pull tle before daylight, after giving ninety-nine cheers,
up the lamp-posts and make bayonets of them, and  and a little one in, "for the blessed cause of Rehave wrenched off every knocker and bell-pull, and pale.")
melted them into bullets and cannon-balls. (Cheers.)
I know I am talking sedition; but I dare them to
come and tear the shoestrings out of my boots, be-    ~                          \.    >
fore I unsay a single word of what I have said..'(Frantic applause.) They dare not prosecute me.
It would be the proudest moment for Ireland, if                           / 
they would; for then, College Green would be                                          
crowded with Irish kings. (Cheers.) The British
oak would be supplanted with the four-leaved shamrock of Ireland. (Cheers.) The Queen of England
would be an Irishwoman-(Cheers) —and I should
die happy in the thought that the majestic tree of
Repeal had been watered with my blood, and blos-            --
somed, and borne such golden fruit, that unborn'3 —-        
nations, far from beyond the poles, were coming on    x      __
OUR DOMESTIC PARLIAMENT.
BY HORACE MAYHEW.
ALL the members of the family being assembled  absolutely necessary to reduce this part of the exat breakfast, the Housekeeping Book was laid upon  penditure, so as to bring the disbursements as
the table, and the House (No. 289, Berkeley Square,) nearly as possible within the receipts. It must be
resolved itself into a committee to take into con- recollected that meat never was dearer, and that
sideration the weekly supplies. Mr. Flint was in  potatoes were very scarce, and that milk had risen
the arm-chair.                                  a halfpenny in each pint the last week. The boys,
The Butcher's, the Baker's, and Greengrocer's too, were growing; all the children had been home
Bills were read for the first, second, and third times, for the holidays; and yet, notwithstanding these
and passed.                                     drawbacks, there had been a hot joint every day of
The Brougham, Gig, and Family Carriage Esti- the week. (Sensation.)  There was a small balmates were advanced a stage; after which        ance in hand of 3s. 9~d.; but against this there
MRS. FLUMMERY rose. She said that she had  was a bill that had to be met, for cigars and brandy,
been requested by her daughter, (Mrs. Flint,) who, and a lemon, the Chair (Mr. Flint) had had with a
poor creature! could not come down to breakfast, few friends the night he was to have taken her
owing to a nervous headache, to lay before Mr. daughter and self to the Opera. But she would
Flint the estimate of the household expenses of the  not allude to that painful circumstance. Brandy
past week. They amounted to 41. 17s. 6id. She  and cigars were always chargeable, thank goodness,
need not say, they had been framed with the strict- on the privy purse. (A cry of "No, no.") She
est regard to economy.  There were thirteen  said, most emphatically, yes, yes, yes. She had
mouths to fill, besides a canary and three cats, and  nothing more to say. Only she could not help
she defied any one to say that the housekeeping  complimenting the House upon having in its emexpenses could be done for less. There was aslight ploy the talented lady at the head of the home dedeficiency, she regretted to say, in the week as partment. The duties of the Exchequer had never,
compared with the one preceding, but on the whole  to her knowledge, been discharged with such satisthe accounts were flattering. The decrease was to  faction. There was scarcely a bill remaining over.
be attributed mainly to the fact of Mr. Flint hav- She was acquainted with many houses, but she must
ing brought home clients twice (A cry of " Only  say she had never known one in which the business
once.") She would not be interrupted-yes, twice, was conducted with half the respectability, or the
if not three times, to dinner. However, there was same amount of servants kept up on the same reva good stock of cold meat in the larder; and she  enue, as that of the honorable lady whose chair she
hoped, by dint of hashes and stews, and the friendly  now filled.-( Vehement coughing.)-The hon. genaid of pickles, that the returns of the succeeding  tleman in the chair might cough as he pleased, but
week would show a proportionate decrease on the  she would tell him to his face that he ought to be
victualling department. There was a slight saving  proud of such a treasure.  (Mrs. Flummery sat
in the item of puddings and pies, for it was found  down amid a loud clatter of tea-spoons, and the




THE MISERIES OF A COMIC WRITER.                                923
youngest members of the House crowded round her, to we throw up our situations, and you may get whom
congratulate her upon her effective speech.)    you can to fill them.
MR. FLINT, after a pause, came to the table, and    MR. FLINT.  Why, here's 15s. 6d. for fruit.
said, that in glancing his eye over the disburse- Didn't I say I'd have no more dessert?
ments, he noticed an item of 11. 17s. 6d. under the    MRS. FLUMMERY. Just as you like, sir.
head of Sundries. He had found it to occurlately,   MR. FLINT. I see 3s. 6d. too, for cabs; I don't
every week. What were Sundries?  He insisted  allow that. What do I give Mrs. Flint 101. a year
upon knowing. He objected in toto to the vague- for, if I'm to pay for all her cabs?
ness of such a definition, and certainly should not   MRS. FLUMMERY. I have nothing more to say,
allow it to pass.                               sir. The cabs were for the dear children, when
MRS. FLUMMERY begged to explain. Sundries they returned from the dentist's. The fruit, sir,
comprised an endless variety of small sums that it includes the lemon you had for your disgraceful
would be impossible to specify separately. It in- toddy. I have nothing more to say-only, if you excluded birdseed for the canary, cat's meat for the  pect thirteen mouths to be filled for nothing, you had
Home department, halfpence to the crossing-sweep- better contract with the Poor Law Union to do it.
ers, soap, charity sermons, beggars, gruel, nutmegs    MR. FLINT. Zounds, woman! is a man to be ru.
for the hon. gentleman's toddy,-in fact, Sundries ined and not say a word about it?  I have borne
took in no end of miscellaneous articles, that it this too long. Your wilful waste-your cabs-your
would be impossible to enumerate individually. sundries, and cats and canaries, are enough toBesides, what was one pound odd for Sundries?    MRS. FLUMMERY. (Beginning to cry.) This is too
Why, in many houses she could mention the Sun- much, Mr. Flint. I'm sure my poor dear daughter
dries came to 51. regularly every week.         and myself save every farthing we can, and to be
MR. FLINT. That has nothing to do with it. I treated in this way! It's brutal (cries). I do not
allow a certain sum every week for the housekeep- care much about it myself-but I do feel for Eliza.
ing, and I expect it to be done for that money. (Emotion in the house.) No one knows how she
But I tell you, Mrs. Flummery, ever since you have  toils, and slaves, and deprives herself of every
been in the house, the expenses have been gradu- comfort but myself. She won't even take sugar in
ally increasing. No wonder, with such extrava- her tea-she hasn't a bonnet fit to be seen in-she
gance to answer for, that the lady (Mrs. Flint) goes nowhere-(Incipient hysterics.)
whom you represent, was too unwell this morning    MR. FLINT. Come, come, my dear Mrs. Flum.
to undertake her duties at the head of the break- mery, don't say another word about it. I've been
fast-table. (One or two members get up and leave the harsh; but here's the cheque, and if the -doctor
room.)                                          calls to-day and says Eliza is well enough to go to
MRS. FLUMMERY. Very well; pray go on, Mr. the operaFlint. These are all the thanks a poor soul gets'for   MRS. FLUMMERY (still in tears.) I'm sure the docworking both day and night to save a halfpenny. tor was only saying yesterday, "You need restoraOn my word, you have your nasty brandy and ci- tives, Mrs. Flummery; you should have your two
gars —                                          glasses of port to your luncheon, and a something
MR. FLINT. Nonsense, madam. You know well nice and warm for your supper;" but, I said, "No,
enough they don't form part of the expenses, I Eliza, I can do without it, and Flint, dear, would
tell you what it is, Mrs. Flummery; such extrava- only complain of the expense."  (The childrengathgance as yours will drive me into the workhouse.   er round illrs. Flummery and begin kissing her.)
MRS. FLUMMERY. Very well. You'll break my    MR. FLINT. NO, indeed, he wouldn't do any
poor daughter's heart; that's all, Mr. Flint. The such thing. Have any thing you like, my good
fool that she was, ever to marry such a man! I'm  Mrs. Flummery. Come, dry up your tears and put
sure she slaves her very soul out to please you. on your bonnet. We'll go down to the Opera
You deny her even the money for your meat and House and choose the box.
drink, and yet you can afford to give 1001. to the    MRS. FLUMMERY. But I cannot walk!
stupid Anti-Corn-Law  League.  Didn't you be-   MR. FLINT. Well, then, we'll have a cab.
grudge her a box at the opera? and yet you can    MRS. FLUMMERY. But I want to call at Madame
have your filthy brandy-                        Lucretia's to choose a new bonnet for Eliza, and
MR. FLINT. I tell you the brandy has nothing to  see Jullien to see what night he is disengaged.
do with it.                                       MR. FLINT. What for?
MRS. FLUMMERY. Very well, sir, keep the house-   MRS. FLUMMERY. Why, for the evening party
keeping yourself. There is always this scene every  you promised the dear girls.
time the supplies are debated, and before the chil-   MR. FLINT. Oh, dear! you'll drive me into the
dren, too! Psha! I'm ashamed of you, that I am. workhouse. Now, don't cry. I'll do any thingEliza, poor dear soul, is tired of this work. Im  only don't cry. (Mr. Flint leaves the arm-chair,
sure I am, most heartily. We both of us resign-  and the House adjourns at eleven, A. M., for a week.)
THE MISERIES OF A COMIC WRITER.
BY HORACE MAYHEW.
REPEATEDLY being called upon, in the midst of a I to look serious, without a dozen peqple asking,
strange party, " to say something funny."       " Why, what's the matter with you?"
Having half-a-dozen scrap-books put into your   Being the especial confidant of everybody's bad
hand, for "an impromptu."                      jokes, and being made the favorite victim for the
Being expected, wherever you go, to sing a comic  "capital thing," some one is sure to have "heard
song.                                          yesterday."
Never being allowed to be in the least unwell; or   Asking for "some potatoes," or some common



924                       -        THE CHEMIST'S CAT.
place thing, and finding the whole room roar at it is not customary for a comic writer ever to pay
incessantly for ten minutes.                  anybody, that he generally goes to bed tipsy, and
Making desperate love to a pretty girl, who only that he cannot write unless he has a bottle of gin
laughs, and says, " La! Mr. Smith, you're always at his side.
joking."                                        Hearing mothers continually say to their daughBeing saluted as you go into a room with " Bravo! ters, " My dear, you must not believe a word he
Here's Smith.  Now we shall have something  says."
good."                                          Being invited out, and finding it is to give a
Being introduced as "the young gentleman who  "candid opinion" —father, mother, brothers, and
does all the funny things in the Penny ilagazine."  sisters being all present-" upon a number of droll
Being suspected of turning every thing you see things little William has been doing upon Paradise
into ridicule, and putting everybody you meet into  Lost."  You are obliged to say they are "very
print.                                        clever for a boy," and you are then asked if you
A pause of five minutes, in the hopes of hearing  cannot get them inserted in Punch?"
you speak, and being asked, at last, whilst every-   Being confidently asked, "if it is true you drink
body is getting ready to grin, "what you -think of much?"
the weather?"                                  Being asked most seriously by a young lady, "' if
Being condemned to hear, every day of your life, the incident you described of being locked up in a
that the man who would "make a pun would pick sponging-house, and escaping up the chimney over
a pocket!"                                   the roof of the next house, really occurred to you?"
Being invited to meet a " very clever young gen-   In short, being suspected of doing all the blacktleman who has written a farce."              guard, out-of-the way, outrageous, improbable, imLaboring under the conventional notion that it possible stupid things you describe.
THE CHEMIST'S CAT,
BY HORACE MAYHEW.
MR. CELSUS PHIPPS was a chemist, not one of ether, when Phipps determined to see if he could
your ordinary men, who put their trust in huge  extract a tooth from a person under its influence.
colored glass bottles, and drive a large trade in The cat, of course, was to be the especial patient.
lozenges. No, Phipps was an experimental chem- Dick was summoned, Tom caught, the ether administ, and he acquainted the public with the fact by istered, and Phipps selected one of the largest
means of an inscription to that effect over his door, tusks. But the ether could not have taken proper
while he confirmed the neighbors in the belief by  effect; for, with a frightful yell, Tom freed himself
occasional explosions, more or less violent. On from Dick's grasp, favoring him at the same time
one occasion, he went so far as to blow the roof off with severe marks of his esteem, which made him
his house, but that, he said, "was an accident." roar, and disappeared, ia la Harlequin, through the
Moreover, Phipps was a licentiate of Apothecaries' plate glass window, doing immense damage to the
Hall, and jobbed the paupers at Lid. a head, includ- chemicals and Galenicals displayed therein.
ing pills and plasters. Mr. Phipps's establishment   But Tom soon came back, for no one would have
was evidently the home for natural philosophy. him. Science, who labels some men F. R. S.'s, or
Experiments abandoned by every one else were tags half the alphabet to the end of their names,
eagerly sought after by Phipps; and he had a valu- had not forgotten to mark her humble follower, the
able auxiliary in his cat.                    cat. He had lost one ear in some acoustic experiWhen science slumbered, the cat might be seen ment,-one eye was closed for ever, from having
comfortably dozing on the door-step; but when the operation for squinting practically illustrated
any thing new in medicine or chemistry turned up, some dozen times,-and he was lame in one of his
the cat had an active life of it. The poor thing had hind legs, the tendon having been cut-to exemplify
taken poison enough to kill hundreds, of rich hus- the method of operating for club-foot,-while his
bands, and antidotes sufficient to restore double the coat, once remarkably glossy, had such a secondnumber. It had a stomach-pump kept for its espe- hand, seedy appearance, that it would not have
cial use. You might generally guess when anything  tempted a Jew.'extraordinary had happened, by missing the cat   At last, he died, a martyr to science. Phipps had
from its usual place, and seeing Dick, Mr. Phipps's invented some wonderful pulmonic lozenge, conboy, who had the job of holding it during the ex- taining a great deal of morphia, which was to cure
periments, with slips of diachilon plaster all over his coughs at first sight. Tom had been rather asthface and hands. It had become familiar with prus- matic for some time, owing to. inhaling noxious
sic acid and arsenic in all their insinuating forms, gases; so Phipps gave him a good dose to begin
and had some slight knowledge of the smaller with. Next morning, he was found very fast asleep,
operations of surgery: still it went purring about, and extremely rigid in his limbs. Dick suggested
and was always at hand on an emergency, ready to  that he was dead, but his master indignantly repuhave any drug tested on its person. Phipps was diated the idea  so Tom was kept, in the full exproud of it. "My cat, Tom, sir," he would say; pectation that he would one day start up quite live"has done more for its fellow animal, nan, than all ly, till at length the moth got into his coat, and
the philanthropists that ever taught people to be Phipps was compelled to consign his furry friend to
discontented."                                a grave in the garden. Phipps never had his usual
All went on smoothly till the introduction of spirits again.  His experiments were at an end;




THE DAWN WHEN UNADORNED.  PHILANTHROPY                             925
for though he would sometimes furtively introduce dreaming over experiments he would perform if he
some drug or'other into Dick's tea or beer, that could only get such another cat! He is not best
young gentleman soon found it out, and took his pleased, howvever, when he meets any young friend
meals ever afterwards with his mother, who was of Dick's, who violates private confidence, by runthe proprietress of a veal and ham pie d6p6t in an ning after him and inquiring at the very top of his
adjacent court. Phipps wanders about the College voice, "Who killed the cat?"
of Surgeons a melancholy man, and amuses himself
THE DAWN WHEN UNADORNED ADORNED THE MOST.
BY HORACE MAYHEW.
"NINETY-TwO IN THE SHADE."
BRIGHT blew the wind, and plaintive rose the air,   Not yet the time for turning itself round.
Dark was the morning, but the night was fair;  The thunder through the air with caution crept;
A misty shade hung over great and small,      The very chamois looked before it leapt;
Afraid to rise, yet unprepared to fall.       The nightingale went forth long ere'twas dark;
Birds clustered shivering amid the trees;     The early morn was ready for the lark.
Thermometers stood still at twelve degrees;   The cuckoo nestled in the budding rose;
The wolf was dormant in his mountain lair;    The pink was dying in cornelian throes.
The tiger strutted forth to take the air;     The dahlia, with the thickening gloom upon her,
The elephant upon his mossy bed               Looked nightlier than the nightshade (Bella Donna);
Reposed instinctively his monstrous head;     And all was silent in the distant glen,
Even the windmill paused, as if it found      Save that tremendous hum-the hum of men!
THE UNIVERSAL PHILANTHROPIST.
PHILANTHROPY, how pleasant is thy name!        Because'tis sometimes slow to " give, give, give"
How often have I set up half the night        The means whereby the famished poor may live.
Some panegyric on thee to indite,           Philanthropy! thy dictates I obey,
Until I've warmed myself into a flame           To pay thee homage I shall never cease;
Enough to melt my heart within my frame.                (To " Poor Man ")
Yes, on the subject I delight to dwell,     "Give you a penny!  Nonsense! get away;
Penning those sentiments that always tell-  If you're not off I'll call for the police!"
Calling on wealth to wear the blush of shame,




926                       MISS THIMBLEBEE S BOARDING  SCHOOL.
MISS THIMBLEBEE'S BOARDING SCHOOL.
FROM " WHQM TO MARRY AND HOW TO GET MARRIED."  BY THE BROTHERS' MAYHEW.
WHEN Papa found that it was no use talking to  lived in constant dread of seeing the hopeless prodme, he determined upon sending me to school, igal some fine morning force an entrance into the
where, as he said, the occupation of my studies highly moral precincts of Chesterfield House, and dewould soon drive all silly, sentimental ideas from  mand to be instantly furnished with all the ready
my head; and I declare if in less than a week my  cash she had on the premises, and which she knew
mother hadn't found out a " highly genteel" finish- he would be certain to declare was his by law. The
ing establishment for young ladies, at Turnham- very first half I was there, after he had sent-every
Green, whither, as soon as all my things had been  day for a whole fortnight-a fresh letter, unpaid,
got ready, I was transported; and where poor, dear with " IMMEDIATE," written in large characters, and
Mamma, with tears in her eyes, handed me over to  with three notes of admiration after it, on the enthe Misses Thimblebee till the next holidays, and  velope, he one afternoon, whilst we were at lessons,
my six towels, and a silver fork and spoon, to them  doing velvet painting, marched into the school-for ever!!                                     room, smelling disgustingly of spirits and tobacco,
I hadn't been long at Turnham  Green, before I with his eyes all heavy and red, and seating himself
found out that the Misses Thimblebee's was no or- down on one of the forms among the young ladies,
dinary establishment.  It was the boast of both  said, he had "just dropped in about that small matladies that no vulgar tradesman's daughter had ever ter," and vowed with a horrible oath, that he
polluted the exquisitely  refined atmosphere of  wouldn't "leave the place until he had got what
" CHESTERFIELD HOUSE " —even though they had had  was justly his own."  Then, I declare, if the monseveral advantageous offers upon the "mutual ad- ster didn't begin whistling and winking at some of
vantage " system. Indeed, they referred with great the girls in the first class, and pinching the arm of
pride to their heroic refusal to allow the eldest girl the "Native de Paris," and telling her never to
of a highly fashionable butcher at the west end to  mind him, for he was "only honest Jack Dawes."
mingle in their select circle, notwithstanding her As far as I could judge-considering the fright I
fond parent had generously consented to estimate  was in-the monster must have been upwards of
the blessings and graces of French and Italian, Mu- six feet high, in his " stout men's," and at least a
sic and Dancing, and Berlin-wool work, at several good ell-wide across the shoulders, with very large,
hundred pounds-of beef and mutton-per quar- bushy, sandy whiskers, and little or no color in his
ter. No! the Misses Thimblebee were in no way  face, except at the end of his nose, which was alanxious to devote their energies to the rearing of  most as deep as beet.root. Nor was there any
young plebeian "mushrooms," though nothing on  getting rid of the red-nosed giant, until poor Miss
earth would have given them greater pleasure than  Prudence had gone up stairs, and brought down
to have bestowed their talents upon the training of  some bank-notes, which the brute took, saying, he'd
budding ducal "Strawberry-leaves."  At Chester- make shift with them for the present; and adding,
field House, young ladies rehearsed the parts they  that he was glad to see his "old girl was not newere intended to act at Almack's. There the rough  glecting her duties," and that he "was sorry he
block of the child of nature received its finishing  couldn't stop and dine with the ladies that day;"
touches, and was converted into the highly polished' he staggered out of the room, singing, " Nine cheers
statue of fashionable society-fit for an ornament for the girls that we love."  After this, Miss Grace
to any drawing-room. There the grave of departed  gave us a long lecture upon "the wreck that once
nature was adorned with all kinds of artificial flow- remarkably fine man had made of himself by the
ers; and there, Woman-tutored in all the fascina- use of ardent spirits," and hoped that " the disgusttions of the ball-room-was taught to shine at ing scene we had just witnessed would act as a
night like the glow-worm; in order to attract her warning to us all, and make us'look before we
mate by the display of a brilliance that had no  leapt' into matrimony."
warmth in it.                                     The first day I was at Chesterfield House, upon
The Misses Thimblebee, though in their prospec- my word, if my whole time wasn't completely taken
tuses they passed as two maiden sisters (the only  up in telling the stupid girls "what my Pa was,"
daughters of a deceased clergyman at the west end  and "what kind of a carriage we kept," and
of the metropolis), were, to tell the truth, not both  how many servants we had," and "whether I had
in a state of "single blessedness,"-as the rougher any brothers or not;" and when I informed them,
sex delight to call it. Miss Grace Thimblebee still that I had " only one," —then it was, " Is he good
dawdled on in all the slow purity of spinsterhood; looking?" and "had the dear got black or blue
but Miss Prudence-her younger sister-had, in the  eyes," and "what was the color of the pet's hair?"
flighty moments of her thirty-fifth year, been im- and "did it curl naturally or not?" and was the
prudent enough to rush blindly into matrimony  "angel in long-tailed coats yet, and out of turnwith a certain gay commercial traveller, of the  down collars or not?" and "did Ma intend the
name of Dawes-though if ever she allowed herself beauty for the army or the church; or did I think
to allude to the occupation of that " bad, bad man," she'd make a duck of an impudent-young-monkey
she always dropped the "commercial," and spoke  of a midshipman of him, in a gold lace cap, and
of him as a "great traveller," who had unfortu- tiddy-ickle ringlets, like that charming rogue of a
nately been led astray, and ruined his "fine intel- brother of Miss Ghearding that left last half, and
lect and noble figure" by an over fondness for the  whom Miss Thimblebee had ordered to quit the
bottle. On condition that he should not come near house, at least a dozen times, for his tricks.
the school, Miss Prudence allowed her husband a    I declare, too, if I had to unpack my box once, I
very respectable annuity; but still the poor thing  had to do it twenty times; for they would one




MISS THIMBLEBEE S BOARDING SCHOOL.                              927
after another make me show them  my things, all the cakes the young ladies brought with them
while they kept exclaiming, "Oh! goodness! what cut up for tea, which they all agreed was a great
a duck of a clear muslin!" and "Mi! what a dear, shame-saying, it was all very well for the greedy
dear poppet of a riband-whatever did it come to  pigs of little girls, but they did think they were old
a yard, love?"-then, " What a divine lutestring! enough to know when they'd had enough, and they
Did I get it at that paradise of a Howell and  ought to be allowed to keep their own good things
James's?"-afterwards, "Well! there is a superb  to themselves, and share them among the girls who
chemisette-only look! They never saw such ex- %lept in their room just as they pleased.
quisite open work, and such a little pet of an edg-   Accordingly, that night, after we had heard the
ing. Lor! if it wasn't the very best Valenciennes! Miss Thimblebees go up to their room, and Susan
Oh! what delightful extravagance, dear!" —next it had taken up the plate-basket, and the glasses of
was, "What a heavenly crinoline! oh! it was fit hot elder wine and rusks, which they were accusfor an angel — it was so beautiful and full, Did I tomed to sup upon in bed, we remained quiet
have it sent over to me from Paris?" —then, again, until we fancied they were fast asleep, and then
"Gracious! if I hadn't got some sweeties, and a slipping on our wrappers, we lighted the candle-ends
whole tin case full of acidulated'drops, too, as they  we had bought of cook. While some of us went to
lived!-Oh! how nicey! Do let me taste only just work on tip-toe, laying the sheet which we used for
one-there's a dear-I'll give you some of mine  a tablecloth, and setting the tooth-glasses for tumthe next time they send me any; "-after that, " Do  blers, and the scissors for knives, and cleaning the
open this fixiture for me-there's a love-just to let tops of our pomatum pots for plates, Miss Strong'i'me see if it's the same as I use, and whether the di- th'arm, who was the best cook in the room, began
rections say it's to be put on with an old tooth- beating up with the end of a tooth-brush the batter
brush like mine, dear;" and lastly, "Wouldn't I for the fritters in the bottom of the soap-dish,
just draw the cork of that lovely nosegay of a which she washed out expressly for the occasion;
mille-fleurs, only to let them have one smell?" and  and when it was all ready, the clever creature fried
then, " As it was open, and some of the finest them quite nicely on a slate over the brisk fire of
they'd ever smelt in all their days, would I mind  six ends of candles.
pouringjust half a drop down their bosoms, like a    "Do come and eat them  whilst they're hot,
good-natured pet as I was?"                   there's dears," whispered Miss Strong'i'th'arm, as
When they'd all seen my box, some of the big  soon as they were done; and after we had burnt
girls took me down into the play-ground, and there  some brown paper, to take away the smell of the
we walked up and down, with our arms round each  frying, down we sat on the floor, as hungry as poets,
other's waists, while they told me they were " so  and devoured as much as one and a half a-pieceglad I'd come that day I didn't know;" for I was giving two to the cook. After this came the second
to sleep in the long room, and they were going to  course, of delicious mutton pies; and this was folhave " such a bit of fun " there that night, I couldn't lowed by a remove, of beautiful sweet cakes and
tell. What did 1 think? They were going to get tamarinds; in the middle of which, that Miss Waup, and have a grand feast, after they had gone to  terford-who is a rare merry one-said, bowing
bed, and they'd heard Miss Thimblebee let down  across the sheet to me, "Will you allow me the
the night-bolt in her room; and if I chose to be honor of taking a glass of ginger-beer with you,
my share towards it, and let them have-like a dear Miss De Roos;" and then, I declare, if Miss Raw-that pot of tamarinds I'd got in my trunk, they  linson-who is so fond of a bit of fun-didn't get up
didn't mind letting me go partners —only I was to  and say in a whisper, "Will you be so good as to
be sure and not say a word about it to the girls in  fill your tooth glasses, I have a toast to propose;"
the other rooms, for they were enemies, and the  and when we had stood up in our wrappers, and
nasty spiteful things would be sure to go and tell-  put the tartaric acid into the ginger-beer powder,
especially that red-haired Miss Coburn, who had  she asked us in, a low voice, "Are you all mixed?
such a long tongue, and was such a tell-tit, there  Then, here's'THE LADIES! God bless'em!"' Wherewas no trusting her with any thing, although she upon we all emptied our glasses, and cried out,
had been pinched till she was black and blue for it. "Hip, hip, hurra! hurra I hurra-a-a-a-a!" as faintly
So they wouldn't have it come to her ears for ever as we possibly could. This done, we put all the
so much, foir they had made up their minds that it things by in the foot-pan, and jumped into bed, and
should be the grandest feast they had had "that began telling stories to each other; when Miss
half."  Only to fancy, too! they had got Susan, for Howard told us all about how she had once dressed
an old pair of Miss M'Taggart's satin shoes, to go  in her brother Henry's clothes, and turned up all
out and fetch them half-a-dozen large fourpenny  her hair, and made herself a pair of moustachios
mutton pies from the pastry-cook's, and a shilling  with burnt cork —and how then she had gone out
box of ginger-beer powders, which they had all sub- at dusk, and walked ever such a way down Portscribed for. Wouldn't it -be nice? and they'd got lafid-place, all by herself —'pon her word and honor
cook, who was a dear old thing, to give them a she had! —and nobody knew her from a real man;
whole nightcap full of flour on the sly; and Emma and how, when she came back, even their maid
Strong'i'th'arm, who had won the prize for morals didn't recognize her, and threatened to scream if
last half, had made yesterday-which was a half she dared to kiss her; and, at last, how, when her
holiday-ever so many sweet cakes in the wash- hat fell off, and the girl found out who it was, she
hand basin. And the best of it was, they'd agreed  said she ought to be ashamed of herself, to impose
to try and do some fritters at night with some of upon a poor servant girl in that way-though she
the peaches Miss Clanricard had had sent her from  couldn't help allowing that Miss Howard made one
home. Didn't I think it would be a good game? of the most good-lookingest and wickedest young
Of course, I said yes, and they could have a bit of gentlemen she had ever set eyes upon. Oh! it was
my plum-cake as well, if they liked; but they told  such a good bit of fun, we didn't know; and she
me Miss Thimblebee always made it a rule to have wished she'd been born a boy-that was all! After




928                       MISS THIMBLEBEE S BOARDING SCHOOL.
this, Miss Cabell remembered how, once, when  throw as much of your back hair into your front
Uncle Ben came to stop a week at her Pa's in  curls as you can, or you never will appear to have a
Hampshire, she and her sister Kate, who was mar- luxuriant head of it? If you go on in this way,
ried, used to stitch up the tops of his stockings to- I'm sure I won't take upon myself to say what your
gether, and sew up the bottoms of the lining of his latter end will be. All I can tell you is, I shan't
trousers, and flour the inside of his nightcap, and  be able to rest easy in my bed until I see a very
either make him an apple-pie bed, or else put the  great alteration in your looks. So you will please
hair broom  down at the' bottom inside of it, and  to stop in the school during play hours, and devote
play him a whole number of such funny tricks, no  your leisure to the translation of the first of TIMone could tell. Oh, it was the best game she had  OTHY, into elegant Italian."
ever had in all her life, and she did like romping so!   At half past two, the bell rang for our gout0 d la
And thus we went on, talking away, till we heard  fourchette, when we were expected to make a
the market-gardeners' carts and the mail-coaches hearty meal, so that we might appear to be remarkgoing past the door on their way to town, and  ably delicate, small eaters at dinner time, (which
could see the daylight looking quite gray through  never took place till six o'clock,) and Miss Strong'i'the cracks in the shutters.                     th'arm told me, that though we were allowed beer
Next morning, we were all of us so tired that when  at luncheon, still it was to be considered a profound
the bell rang for us to get up, as we were allowed  secret, and that Miss Grace Thimblebee had once
an hour to dress, we remained in bed, and didn't put Miss Howard in the stocks, and kept her on
move till it only wanted ten minutes to the time for bread and water for three whole days, for asking
us to be in the school-room  for prayers, so that at dinner for a glass of the disgusting beverage,
when we made our appearance down stairs we all which she said no lady of the least pretensions to
looked such slovens there was a fine to-do. First breeding was supposed to know even the taste of.
of all, Miss Grace Thimblebee called up Miss Strong- During lunch, I unfortunately said, I would take a'i'th'arm, and asked her how she could have the  little cabbage, as I saw a vegetable dish of very
audacity to think of appearing before her without nice white-heart summer ones upon the table. No
_laving bandolined her hair, and what she expected  sooner had the words fallen from my lips, than Miss
would ever become of her if she went on in that Prudence (she objected to our calling her Mrs.
way? and then having ordered her to translate the  Dawes) dropped her knife and fork, and looking at
whole of the description of the plates in the last me with all her eyes, inquired, " What did you say
week's "PETIT COURIER DES DAMES," she told her you'd take, Miss De Roos?"  "A little cabbage, if
to take herself up stairs immediately after prayers, you please, ma'am," I replied, quite innocently.
and make her hair look something like a Chris- "Cabbage! cabbage!" she echoed, "I don't know
tian's. Then she turned round to Miss Cabell. and  such a word in the English language, and yet I am
said," Come here, child, and let me see your hands, not generally considered to be utterly ignorant of
that you're rubbing in that furious way, for they  my mother tongue. Pray, what may you mean by
look disgustingly red; and well indeed they might," the term?"
she added, "for I can plainly see that you never    "I only wanted some of the vegetables opposite
slept in your gloves with the pate d'Amande inside  to Mademoiselle de Nemours," I answered.
of them. Where on earth do you expect to go with    "Then you will not have any," she returned;
hands like those, you bad, bad child? You'll please to  " and that, perhaps, will make you remember for
stand in: a corner, and hold your arms up over your the future, that those vegetables are only known
head for a whole hour, immediately after prayers."  here, as well as in all other fashionable circles, by
And when she had done with her, she turned round  the name of Greens. Cabbage! cabbage! —I supagain, and said, "Miss Rawlinson, your forehead  pose I shall soon be doomed to hear you ask for a
looks extremely low this morning, tnd your eye- piece of horrid, horrid cheese. What do you exbrows much closer than they were a week ago; I'm  pect will become of you, if you go on in this way?"
half afraid you haven't used your tweezers for these    After lunch we all laid down on our backs for an
many days past. It's a wonder to me that the  hour on the boards, so as to improve our figure, and
ground doesn't open and swallow you up, you wick- prevent any roundness in our shoulders; then we
ed, wicked girl! There, go along with you, and  had lessons in personal deportment. and after this
just to teach you in future to remove all superfluous came a slight lecture on the art of stepping into a
hair from between your parting and eyebrows, you  carriage like a lady; on the conclusion of which, we
will please to get by heart the first six pages of  adjourned to the bottom of the play-ground, where
the second chapter of'THE HANDBOOK OF THE Toi- the body of an old landau was fixed up under a
LET.'   " Miss Howard," then she went on, "just shed, so that we might put into practice the valuable
step this way, if you please. Your dress seems to  precepts that had just been expounded to us. This
hang down behind you,'as if you had no more  done, we were dismissed to dress ourselves for the
bend in your back than an old oak chair. Why, you  evening, for which we were allowed an hour; and
uncivilized little heathen —you!  You've got no  at ten minutes to six, we all entered the drawingcrinoline on, as I hope to be saved! Were there  room, whence, as soon as dinner was announced to
ever such girls! But I must put a stop to these  be on the table, we handed down each other, deevil ways; so you'll remember, Miss Howard, to be  scending the stairs in couples to the dining-room.
able to repeat to me the first five-and-twenty rules    Here I got myself, if possible, into worse disgrace
of your'ETIQUETTE FOR THE LADIES,' before you  than ever; f6r, unfortunately for me, there was
taste a mouthful of luncheon. And, Miss Water- some very nice soupe Julienne, and it was so much
ford," sho continued, "V Why are you hiding behind  to my taste, that when Miss Grace Thimblebee said,
Miss M'Taggart in that way? Oh, I see! you are  "Miss de Roos, now do allow me to send you a litafraid I should discover how thin your hair is, I tle more soup," I replied, "Thank you: since
suppose? How often, now, am I to tell you that if you're so pressing I wuill take a little more, if you
your mamma desires you to wear ringlets, you must please, ma'am;" and immediately I had said so, I,




MISS THIMBLEBEE S BOARDING SCHOOL.                              929
never saw such mental agony expressed in a human  " Nor you?-nor you?-nor you?-n'you? —n'you?
countenance before. "Do I live to hear one of n'you? —n'you?  Then you may take away, Susan.
my pupils say that she will take twice of soup," she I'm glad to see my pets are such small eaters."
groaned. " Oh, that it should come to this! that I,   After dinner, we had to sit down to knit anti-mawho have devoted the whole of my energies to the  cassars and window-curtains; and when the evenrefinement of my sex-that 1 should be doomed to  ings were long, Miss Thimblebee would make us
have my heart-strings snapt asunder by any such  amuse ourselves either with Berlin-wool work or
unheard-of barbarisms! Surely, Miss de Roos, you  velvet painting, or embroidery, or japanning, or wax
must have been brought up in the backwoods of flowers, and other odd nick-nackeries; and though
America! But you will be pleased to go through  the materials for them were regularly charged for
the whole of the tenth edition of my little book of in the half-year's bill, still the articles themselves
"How TO LIVE UPON Two HUNDRED A-YEAR, so as when finished were considered to be the property
to make it appear a thousand;" and until you can  of the Misses Thimblebee.  "Idleness, my dear
repeat all its valuable precepts by heart, you will children," Miss Grace would say, " is the root of all
not dine at this table again. It is a moral duty  evil, and consequently I am never so well pleased
that I owe to the other young ladies."          as when I see my sweet girls like a united family,
"But, ma'am," I replied, "you yourself pressed  innocently-ay, and I may add profitably —engaged
me to take some more!"                         in some lady-like pas-time (not parse-time, you will
" Of course I did; good breeding required as observe, Miss de Roos)."
much from me," she answered; " but I never expect-   And well the thin, old, turbaned thing might be
ed that you would be ill-bred enough to think for pleased with seeing us engaged so innocently-ay,
one moment that I meant you to take me at my  and profitably,-as well indeed, too, she MIGHT add;
word. I suppose next, that if I pressed you to wear for to tell the truth, " her sweet girls " had managed
your best gloves at evening service, you would be to supply her with gratuitous window curtains, and
stupid and prodigal enough to do as I requested."   chair and sofa cushions and covers for most of the
I declare though, she had no sooner done lectur- apartments in Chesterfield House; while the grand
ing me, than observing little red-haired Miss Co- reception room for all the parents and guardians
burn convey some peas to her mouth by means of had been entirely stocked with furniture and ornaher knife, she fell into a state of greater horror ments-from the large worked ottoman which stood
than ever.                                     in the middle of the room, down to the two superb
"Miss Coburn! Miss Coburn!" she screamed; bouquets of wax flowers which graced each end of
" do you want to drive your faithful preceptress to  the mantel-piece-and free of all expense, by " the
a premature grave! I'm sure if I have made you lady-like exertions of her united family."
once go over the sixty-eighth maxim of' ETIQUETTE    Whilst we sat there at that stupid knitting, dropFOR THE LADIES,' I must have made you do it at least ping one and missing two, and letting go three,
a hundred times; and yet it only seems as if the  and throwing off foulr, and then taking up five, and
golden rules and inestimable truths of that little treas- castinlg off six, or something just as intellectual and
ure of a book were entirely thrown away upon you. amusing, it was the established rule that we should
Now, what does that very sixty-eighth maxim tell talk nothing but French; and in order to enforce
you the lady of fashion used to say were her feel- the practice, the "Native de Paris," as she was
ings on seeing a person raise her knife to her called, always remained in the room with us. Howmouth?"                                        ever, to tell the truth, the " Native de Paris" wasn't
Miss Coburn remained silent in evident forgetful- of much use amongst us, for we were not long in
ness of what the lady of fashion really did say.  finding out that she had entered this world via the
"Oh, you don't know, don't you," Miss Thimble- Surrey side of the Thames, and was rather "une nabee continued;'" then I shall fine you sixpence out tive de Peckhamr Rye; " and though she now chose
of your pocket-money, though I. regret to state, to give herself a fine French name, still in common
you have been fined so often that you have no more  gratitude to her godfathers and godmothers, or
to receive this quarter. However, perhaps Miss even in common honesty to the parents of her puSmythe Smythe will oblige us all by instructing you  pils, she should have added to her grand " ANGELIon this interesting point."                     QUE DE NEMOURS " " nee SALLY COCKLE;" and, perAnd immediately Miss Smythe Smythe started off haps, it wouldn't have been so much amiss if, while
with-" Please ma'am -the-lady-of-fashion -   she was about it, she had affixed to the title, " and
used -to-say-that -she —never — saw-a-per- cousin to the Misses Thimblebee by their mother's
son — guilty-of-this -ugly- habit -without -a side," into the bargain. But we liked her the best
shudder, —as-every- minute-she-expected-to  of the whole of the teachers, for though we were
see-the-head-of-the-unfortunate-severed-   all taught to look up to her as our French mistress,
from-the-body."                                still poor Angelique couldn't help looking down
"Very pretty indeed! thank you! Miss Smythe upon herself as a mere French pupil. And well.
Smythe," said Miss Grace. "We are all of us very  indeed, she might; for, to be candid, her pure Pamuch obliged to you, I'm  sure; and after dinner risian accent had such a strong Bow-bell twang,
you may come to me for a card of merit."       that I doubt very much if she could have made
We had only just been helped for the first time herself understood at even a Boulogne table d'hdte.
to the second course, and had scarcely finished  So, linding that she was incapable of expressing
what was on our plates, when Miss Grace Thimble- herself in good sound French, she always made a
bee said to her sister at the end of the table, point of speaking her mind in bad broken English,
"Prudence, my love, can I send you a little more?" in which she was materially assisted by a strong
and no sooner had Miss Prudence, of course, re- lisp, and that Babel-like confusion of the v's and
plied, "No more, I thank you, dearest," than Miss the w's which appertains to the true London diaGrace ran her eyes round the table, nodding her lect.
head to each of us as quickly as she could, saying,   Thus matters went on for upwards of three




930                      MISS THIMBLEBEE'S BOARDING SCHOOL.
months;, and although every half hour through  Miss Coburn and Miss Smythe Smythe got it off by
the day some fresh study was introduced, and I heart as soon as possible, taking care that they
learned an infinity of accomplishments, still I can- were quite perfect in the hard words, and that they
not-^at this present time call to mind that I was paid particular attention to their stops."
taught any knowledge. Miss Thimblebee was con-   On the evening of the joyful event, the drawingstantly reminding me that I was receiving the fin- room  was lighted up, and the carpet removed;
ished education of a perfect lady, though, when I while the forms which had been brought up from
was finished, and had left her school, I was totally  the schoolroom were, by means of a covering of
ignorant of all that was really useful, or truly ad- green baize, converted into rout seats. The music
mirable. Thus matters went on, then, until one mistress had been invited to join in the festivities
day, just as we had finished our morning lessons, of the evening; and immediately she made her apand Miss Thimblebee had quitted the school-room, pearance, she was asked if she would be good
Miss Prudence, who had remained behind, request- enough to oblige them with just one of her beautied silence, and then told us she had a few words to  ful quadrilles, and then handed to the piano, which
say to us before we retired to the play-ground, on  she never left the whole evening through. The
the subject of a joyful event, in which she was sure  dancing master had been likewise asked to make
we all felt equally interested with herself.    one of the happy party; and as soon as he set foot
To be brief, she was happy to inform us that that in the room, he was requested to act as master of
day month was the birthday of her dear, dear sis- the ceremonies.  The company consisted of the
ter, and our faithful preceptress, Miss Grace Thim- whole of the teachers, and only one mother and an
blebee. She could read in our eyes how the pleas- aunt out of all the parents and relations, though
urable intelligence had gratified us, and how we every one of them had been invited; "but unforwere all planning in our hearts, like sweet good girls tunately," as Miss Thimblebee said, at least ten
as we were, some little fond surprise, which should  times in the course of the evening, "they had all
be a tangible proof of our love, and worthy the previous engagements, which they regretted would
acceptance of that exemplary woman, whom to  deprive them of the pleasure of being present on
know, she would add, was to adore. Well, she  the joyful occasion."  However, there were several
would not stand between us and our generous feel- young gentlemen from a neighboring establishment,
ings, but would forthwith place in Miss Strong'i'th'- who, though of rather too tender an age to please
arm's hand a money-box, for the reception of sub- us, still looked particularly clean and uneasy, and
scriptions-however trifling they might be-for it had all been elaborately curled and pumped for the
was the sentiment that gave each offering its value  joyful event. Their entrance was immediately foland not the amount-though at the same time it lowed by quadrilles and a *strong smell of rose
might be as well to mention that nothing under five hair oil. After one or two dances, in which the
shillings would be received."                   young gentlemen went through the different steps
After she had gone, I asked Miss Strong'i'th'arm  with their eyes intently watching each movement
"What we had better buy for Miss Thimblebee  of their feet, Miss Thimblebee asked Miss Rawlinwith the money?"  But she told me, "I needn't son-whose mamma was the one present-if she
trouble my head about that, as Miss Prudence  would be so kind as to oblige the company with her
would be sure to lay the money out herself; adding  "Gavotte?"  When, by dint of saying one-twoit was only last half that Miss Grace Thimblebee three-four to herself, that young lady had accomhad made very nearly the same speech to them on  plished this feat, Miss Howard was requested to let
behalf of her sister Prudence, and indeed it was a her aunt see how charmingly she was getting on
rule with the two ladies once a year to do a simi- with her music, and to be good enough to play the
lar turn one for the other, for by such means they  "Battle of Prague" for them. As soon as she had
had amassed a very handsome service of plate out finished, and been highly complimented for the
of their joint birthdays.                      beauty of her " cries of the wounded," Miss StrongAbout three days before the joyful event, Miss i'th'arm and Miss Waterford kindly consented to faPrudence came into the school-room, and having  vor the visitors with one of their charming Italian
unlocked the money box and put the contents into  duets; and after a long consultation with the music
a reticule, which she had brought with her for the  mistress, at last decided upon singing their beautipurpose, told us, after she had reckonied the amount, ful "La ci darem la mano," which went off delightthat she had hoped she should have been able to  fully. Then came a fearful pause; for Miss Pruhave presented her sister with a very neat silver dence had retired with little Miss Coburn and little
liqueur stand, (which Miss Grace had much admir- Miss Smythe Smythe, followed by Miss Strongi'th'ed,) but as she regretted to find the subscription  arm, while Miss Thimblebee, who appeared to be
was not so liberal as it had been on former occa- greatly astonished at their all leaving the room tosions, she must content herself with a small set of gether in such a mysterious way, wondered what
silver shells for scolloped oysters, (which she knew  it could mean, and drew the attention of the visiher sister was excessively fond of for supper.) Fur- tors to a table strewn with our crayon drawings,
ther, she had prepared a short congratulatory and  where Miss Cabell's head of Andromache was much
complimentary address, begging Miss Thimblebee's admired by all, excepting Miss Rawlinson's mamma,
acceptance of the trifling token of our affection  who said'that she thought the pencilling was neither
and esteem. This she purposed should be spoken  so firm nor so free as that in the sheet of noses by
by the two youngest ladies in their establishment, her daughter; indeed, to be candid-and with the
on the joyful occasion, when there would be a little  young, she was sure Miss Thimblebee would agree
reunion, just a " dannee," a glass of negus and a with her, it was much better to be so, —she thought
cake or so, for she intended to treat us all as friends, the shading down the sides of the cheeks, and unand make no stupid fuss with us. Then giving the  der the chin, looked too much like hair to please
copy of the address to Miss Strongi'th'arm, she said, her; and surely the tear she was shedding was a
"Perhaps she would be kind enough to see that leetle out of proportion; while, to tell the truth,








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THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.                                 931
she never did think much of the original; nor did nificant its real worth may be (one,) we feel conshe ever like the subject; nor was she at all pleased  vinced you will attach no trifling value to (one,) as
with the way in which it was treated.  So Miss the testimony of the admiration and respect of the
Thimblebee, to take the parent's attention from the  young and innocent for the virtues (one,) beauty
drawings, dexterously asked Miss Clanricard who  (one,) accomplishments (one,) and learning of one
Andromache was? and just as that young lady was who is so bright an ornament to her sex (one,) and
informing the guests that': Please, ma'am, Andro- so kind to her pupils (one, two, three, four.) And
mache-was-the-wife-of-Hector-of-Troy-and-she-was- please, ma'am, that's all."
so-fond-of-her-husband-that-she-" when, unfortu-   "Very nicely spoken, indeed. Thank you, young
nately, Miss Strongi'th'arm entered the room, fol- ladies," exclaimed Miss Prudence; and then taking
lowed by little Miss Coburn and Miss Smythe Miss Smythe Smythe aside, she added in an underSmythe, bearing the silver scollop-shells on one of tone, " I'll make you suffer for this to-morrow, Miss!
the ottoman cushions out of the reception room.    -that I will!" then turning round to the company
" Why, bless me! what is the meaning of this, with a'bland smile, she said, putting her hand up,
my dears?" cried Miss Thimblebee, retiring and  "Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh!"
seating herself in the embroidered easy chair which   Immediately, Miss Thimblebee rose from  her
one of the girls had wheeled into the middle of the chair, and taking a small slip of paper from her
room for her.                                  pocket, she occasionally spoke and occasionally
Then Miss Coburn and Miss Smythe Smythe each  read as follows:made a profound curtsy to the enthroned lady,   "Beloved pupils and respected parents "-but
and nearly dropped the silver shells in so doing. suddenly remembering that there was only one
After this they both began, in a sing-song tone,-   present, she corrected herself-" parent, I should
" We humbly approach you, Miss Grace Thimble- have said; I can assure you the presentation of this
bee, our much-respected and beloved mistress, on little token of your profound gratitude and esteem,
this, the anniversary of your natal day, to offer you has taken me so much by surprise-that-that,"
(will you mind your stops, Miss Coburn, whispered  [looking at the paper] "I cannot find words to exMiss Prudence,) to offer you our heartfelt con-con- press the feelings that this simple silver liqueur stand
gratulations (' One,' said Miss Coburn in an under- -no, scollop shells I should say, has-dear me, no
tone to herself, minding her stops, and so marking -have of course, I mean-but," she added, crumpa comma,) and to breathe a hope (one,) and prayer ling up the paper, which had caused her to make
(one,) that your valuable existence may be spared  so many mistakes, "my feelings quite overpower
for many revolutions of this globe to come (one, me-you see-so I can only say-a-a-that I am
two;) and-a —a-a —('That you will condescend  extremely obliged-you know-for this-a-ato accept,' "Oh you bad child! where is your whatever is the word-I've got it on the tip of
head?" whispered Miss Prudence to Miss Smythe my tongue-this-a-a-a-what-d'ye-call-it: on
Smythe,) and that you will condescend to accept," this my-a-a-a-no matter what-birthday, so I
continued the young lady, in a half-crying tone, return you all my very best thanks."  And then
" this paltry token of our profound gratitude (one,) down she sat quite in a puff.
and esteem (one, two;) which (one,) however insigTHE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.
FROM THE "INGOLDSBY LEGENDS."  BY RICHARD HARRIS BARHAM.
" IT is very odd, though; what can have become    "Is it the breeches?" asked the valet, casting an
of them?" said Charles Seaforth, as he peeped un- inquiring eye round the apartment; —"is it the
der the valance of an old-fashioned bedstead, in an  breeches, sir?"
old-fashioned apartment of a still more old-fash-   "Yes; what have you done with them?"
ioned manor-house; "'t is confoundedly odd, and    "Sure then your honor had them on when you
I can't make it out at all. Why, Barney, where  went to bed, and it's hereabout they'll be, I'll be
are they?-and where the d-l1 are you?"       bail;" and Barney lifted a fashionable tunic from a
No answer was returned to this appeal; and the  cane-backed arm-chair, proceeding in his examinalieutenant, who was, in the main, a reasonable  tion. But the search was vain; there was the tuperson,-at least as reasonable a person as any  nic aforesaid,-there was a smart-looking kerseyyoung gentleman of twenty-two in "the service" mere waistcoat; but the most important article of
can fairly be expected to be,-cooled when he re- all in a gentleman's wardrobe was still wanting.
flected that his servant could scarcely reply extem-   "Where can they be?" asked the master, with a
pore to a summons which it was impossible he  strong accent on the auxiliary verb.
should hear.                                      "Sorrow a know I knows," said the man.
An application to the bell was the considerate    "It must have been the Devil, then, after all,
result; and the footsteps of as tight a lad as ever who has been here and carried them off!" cried
put pipe-clay to belt, sounded along the gallery.    Seaforth, staring full into Barney's face.
" Come in!" said his master.-An ineffectual at-   Mr. Maguire was not devoid of the superstition
tempt upon the door reminded Mr. Seaforth that of his countrymen, still he looked as if he did not
he had locked himself in.-By Heaven! this is the  quite subscribe to the sequitur.
oddest thing of all," said he, as he turned the key    His master read incredulity in his countenance.
and admitted Mr. Maguire into his dormitory.    "Why, I tell you, Barney, I put them  there, on
"Barney, where are my pantaloons?"          that arm-chair, when I got into bed; and, by




932                           THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.
Heaven! I distinctly saw the ghost of the old fel- one thing only was clear,-the breeches were gone!
low they told me of, come in at midnight, put on  "It is very singular," said the lieutenant.
my pantaloons, and walk away with them."                 *        *         *         *
"May be so," was the cautious reply.            Tappington (generally called Tapton) Everard is
an antiquated but commodious manor-house in the
eastern division of the county of Kent. A former
proprietor had been High-sheriff in the days of
Elizabeth, and many a dark and dismal tradition
was yet extant of the licentiousness of his life, and
i} lli;ll!ll 7I~                 ~ Athe enormity of his offences. The Glen, which the
keeper's daughter was seen to enter, but never
known to quit, still frowns darkly as of yore; while:I~ iq,!{  /. I Aan ineradicable bloodstain on the oaken stair yet
bids defiance to the united energies of soap and
/;.~x~.~ -            sand. But it is with one particular apartment that
K     ~~~~~a deed of more especial atrocity is said to be connected. A stranger guest-so runs the legend-( "/10,1,,.\ m i arrived unexpectedly at the mansion of the "Bad
-'o ~~~~~Sir Giles."  They met in apparent friendship; but
(11x,,,L/                                | the ill-concealed scowl of their master's brow told
tl~/il/[/I[     the domestics that the visit was not a welcome one.
cup circulated freely,-too freely, perhaps,-for
sounds of discord at length reached the ears of
even the excluded serving-men, as they were doing
their best to imitate their betters in the lower hall.
Alarmed, some of them ventured to approach the
\! \ \|                1 ~   i~._parlor; one, an old and favored retainer of the
house, went so far as to break in upon his master's
privacy. Sir Giles, already high in oath, fiercely
enjoined his absence, and he retired; not, however, before he had distinctly heard from the stranger's lips a menace that " There was that within
" I thought, of course, it was a dream; but then, his pocket which could disprove the knight's right
-where the d-1 are the breeches?"               to issue that or any other command within the
The question was mhore easily asked than an- walls of Tapton."
swered.  Barney renewed his search, while the    The intrusion, though momentary, seemed to
lieutenant folded his arms, and, leaning against the  have produced a beneficial effect; the voices of the
toilet, sunk into a reverie.                    disputants fell, and the conversation was carried
" After all, it must be some trick of my laughter- on thenceforth in a more subdued tone, till, as evenloving cousins," said Seaforth.                 ing closed in, the domestics, when summoned to
"Ah! then, the ladies!" chimed in Mr. Maguire, attend with lights, found not only cordiality rethough the observation was not addressed to him; stored, but that a still deeper carouse was medi"and will it be Miss Caroline, or Miss Fanny, that's tated. Fresh stoups, and from the choiceSt bins,
stole your honor's things?"                    were produced; nor was it till at a late, or rather
"I hardly know what to think of it," pursued  early hour, that the revellers sought their chamthe bereaved lieutenant, still speaking in soliloquy, bers.
with his eye resting dubiously on the chamber-   The one allotted to the stranger occupied the
door. "I locked myself in, that's certain; and- first floor of the eastern angle of the building, and
but there must be some other entrance to the room  had once been the favorite apartment of Sir Giles
-pooh! I remember-the private staircase; how  himself. Scandal ascribed this preference to the
could I be such a fool?" and he crossed the chainm- facility which a private staircase, communicating
ber to where a low oaken doorcase was dimly visi- with the grounds, had afforded him, in the old
ble in a distant corner.  He paused before it. knight's time, of following his wicked courses unNothing now interfered to screen it from observa- checked by parental observation; a consideration
tion; but it bore tokens of having been at some  which ceased to be of weight when the death of
earlier period concealed by tapestry, remains of his father left him uncontrolled master of his eswhich yet clothed the walls on either side of the  tate and actions. From  that period, Sir Giles had
portal.                                         established himself in what were called the " state
" This way they must have come," said Seaforth; apartellllts;"    and the " oaken chamber" was rarely
"I wish with all my heart I had caught them!"    tenanted, save on occasions of extraordinary fes"Och! the kittens!" sighed Mr. Barney Maguire. tivity, or when the yule log drew an unusually
But the mystery was yet as far from being solved  large accession of guests around the Christmas
as before. True, there was the "other door;" but hearth.
then that, too, on examination, was even more    On this eventful night, it was prepared for the
firmly secured than the one which opened on the  unknown visitor, who sought his couch heated and
gallery,-two heavy bolts on the inside effectually  inflamed from  his midnight orgies, and in the
prevented any coup de main on the lieutenant's morning was found in his bed a swollen and blackbivouac from that quarter. He was more puzzled  ened corpse. No marks of violence appeared upon
than ever; nor did the minutest inspection of the  the body; but the livid hue of the lips, and cerwalls and floor throw any light upon the subject: tain dark-colored spots visible on the skin, aroused
~~UIU UUCLVL ILVII l~)   a




THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.                                 933
suspicions which those who entertained them were   Such was the legend attached to Tapton Everard,
too timid to express. Apoplexy, induced by the  and such the story which the lively Caroline Inexcesses of the preceding night, Sir Giles's confi- goldsby detailed to her equally mercurial cousin,
dential leech pronounced to be the cause of his Charles Seaforth, lieutenant in the Hon. East India
sudden dissolution: the body was buried in peace; Company's second regiment of Bombay Fencibles,
and though some shook their heads as they wit- as arm-in-arm they promenaded a gallery decked
nessed the haste with which the funeral rites were with some dozen grim-looking ancestral portraits,
hurried on, none ventured to murmur.  Other and, among others, with that of the redoubted Sir
events arose to distract the attention of the retain- Giles himself. The gallant commander had that
ers; men's'minds became occupied by the stirring  very morning paid his first visit to the house of his
politics of the day, while the near approach of that maternal uncle, after an absence of several years
formidable armada, so vainly arrogating to itself a passed with his regiment on the arid plains of Hintitle which the very elements joined with human  dostan, whence he was now returned on a three
valor to disprove, soon interfered to weaken, if not years' furlough. He had gone out a boy,-he reobliterate, all remembrance of the nameless stran- turned a man; but the impression made upon his
ger who had died within the walls of Tapton Everard. youthful fancy by his favorite cousin remained unYears rolled on: the "Bad Sir Giles" had him- impaired, and to Tapton he directed his steps, even
self long since gone to his account, the last as it befobre he sought the home of his widowed mother,
was believed of his immediate line; though a few  -comforting himself in this breach of filial decoof the older tenants were sometimes heard to speak  rum by the reflection that, as the manor was so litof an elder brother, who had disappeared in early  tle out of his way, it would be unkind to pass, as it
life, and never inherited the estate. Rumors, too, were, the door of his relatives, without just looking
of his having left a son in foreign lands were at in for a few hours.
one time rife; but they died away, nothing occur-   But he found his uncle as hospitable and his
ring to support them; the property passed unchal- cousin more charnming than ever; and the looks of
lenged to a collateral branch of the family, and the  one, and the requests of the other, soon precluded
secret, if secret there were, was buried in Denton  the possibility of refusing to lengthen the " few
churchyard, in the lonely grave of the mysterious hours" into a few days, though the house was at
stranger. One circumstance alone occurred, after the moment full of visitors.
a long-intervening period, to revive the memory of   The Peterses were there from Ramsgate; and
these transactions. Some workmen employed in  Mr., Mrs., and the two Miss Simpkinsons, from
grubbing an old plantation, for the purpose of rais- Bath, had come to pass a month with the family;
ing on its site a modern shrubbery, dug up, in the  and Tom Ingoldsby had brought down his college
execution of their task, -the mildewed remnants of friend, the Honorable Augulstus Sucklethumbkin,
what seemed to have been once a garment. On  with his groom and pointers, to take a fortnight's
more minute inspection, enough remained of silken  shooting. And then there was Mrs. Ogleton, theslashes and a coarse embroidery, to identify the rel- rich young widow, with her large black eyes, who,
ics as having once formed part of a pair of trunk  people did say, was setting her cap at the young
hose; while a few papers which fell from them, al- squire, though Mrs. Botherby did not believe it;
together illegible from damp and age, were by the  and, above all, there was Mademoiselle Pauline, her
unlearned rustics conveyed to the then owner of femme de chambre, who " mon-Dieu'd" every thing
the estate.                                    and every body, and cried "Quel horreur!" at
Whether the squire was more successful in deci- Mrs. Botherby's cap. In short, to use the lastphering them was never known; he certainly never named and much respected lady's own expression,
alluded to their contents; and little would have  the house was "' choke-full" to the very attics,-all,
been thought of the matter but for the inconven- save the "oaken chamber," which, as the lieutenlent memory of one old woman, who declared she  ant expressed a most magnificent disregard of
heard her grandfather say that when the " stranger ghosts, was forthwith appropriated to his particular
guest" was poisoned, though all the rest of his accommodation. Mr. Maguire, meanwhile, was fain
clothes were there, his breeches, the supposed re- to share the apartment of Oliver Dobbs, the squire's
pository of the supposed documents, could never own man; a jocular proposal of joint occupancy
be found. The master of Tapton Everard smiled  having been at first indignantly yejected by " Madwhen he heard Dame Jones's hint of deeds which  emoiselle," though preferred with the "laste taste
might impeach the validity of his own title in fa- in life" of Mr. Barney's most insinuating brogue.
vor of some unknown descendant of some unknown                              
heir; and the story was rarely alluded to, save by    "Come, Charles, the urn is absolutely getting
one or two miracle-mongers, who had heard that cold; your breakfast will be quite spoiled: what
others had seen the ghost of old Sir Giles, in his can have made you so idle?"  Such was the mornnight-cap, issue from the postern; enter the adjoin- ing salutation of Miss Ingoldsby to the militaire as
ing copse, and wring his shadowy hands in agony, he entered the breakfast-room, half an hour after
as he seemed to search vainly for something hid- the latest of the party.
den among the evergreens. The stranger's death-   "A pretty gentleman, truly, to make an appointroom  had, of course, been occasionally haunted  ment with," chimed in Miss Frances. "What is
from the time of his decease; but the periods of become of our ramble to the rocks before breakfast?"
visitation had latterly become very rare,-even    " Oh! the young men never think of keeping a
Mrs. Botherby, the housekeeper, being forced to  promise now," said Mrs. Peters, a little ferret-faced
admit that, during her long sojourn at the manor, woman with underdone eyes.
she had never " met with any thing worse than    "When I was a young man," said Mr. Peters,
herself;" though as the old lady afterwards added  " I remember I always made a point of  "
upon more mature reflection, " I must say I think   "' Pray, how long ago was that?" asked Mr. SimpI saw the devil once."                         kinson from Bath.
60




934                           THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.
"Why, sir, when I married Mrs. Peters, I was-  spurs, when his hand was arrested by the old queslet me see-I was   "                           tion,-" Barney, where are the breeches?"
"Do pray hold your togue, P., and eat your   They were nowhere to be found!
breakfast!" interrupted his better half, who had a    *         *        *         *
mortal horror of chronological references; "it's    Mr. Seaforth descended that morning, whip in
very rude to tease people with your family affairs." hand, and equipped in a handsome green ridingThe lieutenant had by this time taken his seat in  frock, but no "breeches and boots to match" were
silence,-a good-humored nod, and a glance, half- there: loose jean trowsers, surmounting a pair of
smiling, half-inquisitive, being the extent of his diminutive Wellingtons, embraced, somewhat insalutation. Smitten as he was, and in the imme- congruously, his nether man, vice the  "patent
diate presence of her who had made so large a cords," returned, like yesterday's pantaloons, abhole in his heart, his manner was evidently distrait, sent without leave. The " top-boots" had a holiwhich the fair Caroline in her secret soul attribu- day.
ted to his being solely occupied by her agrnmens,   "A fine morning after the rain," said Mr. Simp-how would she have bridled had she known that kinson from Bath.
they only shared his meditations with a pair of   " Just the thing for the'ops," said Mr. Peters.
breeches!                                      " I remember when I was a boy-"
Charles drank his coffee and spiked some half-   " Do hold your tongue, P.," said Mrs. Peters,dozen eggs, darting occasionally a penetrating  advice which that exemplary matron was in the
glance at the ladies, in hope of detecting the sup- constant habit of administering to " her P.," as she
posed waggery by the evidence of some furtive  called him, whenever he prepared to vent his resmile or conscious look. But in vain; not a dim- miniscences. Her precise reason for this, it would
ple moved indicative of roguery, nor did the slight- be difficult to determine, unless, indeed, the story
est elevation of eyebrow rise confirmative of his be true which a little bird had whispered into Mrs.
suspicions.  Hints and insinuations passed un- Botherby's ear,-Mr. Peters, though now a wealthy
heeded,-more particular inquiries were out of the  man, had received a liberal education at a charity
question:-the subject was unapproachable.      school, and was apt to recur to the days of his
In the mean time, " patent cords" were just the  muffin-cap and leathers.  As usual, he took his
thing for a morning's ride; and, breakfast ended, wife's hint in good part, and "paused in his reply."
away cantered the party over the downs, till, every    " A glorious day for the ruins!" said young Infaculty absorbed by the beauties, animate and in- goldsby. " But, Charles, what the deuce are you
animate, which surrounded him, Lieutenant Sea- about? —vou don't mean to ride through our lanes
forth of the Bombay Fencibles, bestowed no more in such toggery as that?"
thought  upon  his breeches than if he had been    " Lassy me!" said Miss Julia Simpkinson, "won't
born on the top of Ben Lomond.                 you be very wet?"
*  *  *  *             "You had better take Tom's cab," quoth the
Another night had passed away; the sun rose  squire.
brilliantly, forming with his level beams a splendid    But this proposition was at once overruled; Mrs.
rainbow  in the far-off west, whither the heavy  Ogleton had already nailed the cab, a vehicle of all
cloud, which for the last two hours had been pour- others the best adapted for a snug flirtation.
ing its waters on the earth, was now flying before    "Or drive Miss Julia in the phaeton?" No; that
him.                                           was the post of Mr. Peters, who, indifferent as an
"A h! then, and it's little good it's little good it'll be the claning equestrian, had acquired some fame as a whip while
of ye," apostrophized Mr. Barney Maguire, as he travelling through the midland counties for the
deposited in front of his master's toilet, a pair of firm of Bagshaw, Snivelby, and Ghrimes.
"bran-new" jockey boots, one of Hoby's primest   " Thank you, I shall ride with my cousins," said
fits, which the lieutenant had purchased in his way  Charles with as much nonchalance as he could asthrough town. On that very morning had they  sume,-and he did so; Mr. Ingoldsby, Mrs. Peters,
come for the first time under the valet's depurating  Mr. Simpkinson from Bath, and his eldest daughter
hand, so little soiled, indeed, from the turfy ride of with her album, following in the fanily coach.
the preceding day, that a less scrupulous domestic The gentleman-commoner "voted the affair d-d
might, perhaps, h4ve considered the application of slow," and declined the party altogether in favor of
"Warren's Matchless," or oxalic acid, altogether the game-keeper and a cigar.  "There was no
superfluous. Not so, Barney: with the nicest care  fun in looking at old houses!" Mrs. Simpkinson
had he removed the slightest impurity from each  preferred a short seour in the still-room with Mrs.
polished surface, and there they stood rejoicing in  Botherby, who had promised to initiate her in that
their sable radiance. No wonder a pang shot across grand arcanum, the transmutation of gooseberry
Mr. Maguire's breast, as he thought on the work jam in Guava jelly.
now cut out for them, so different from the light      *         *        *         *
labors of the day before; no wonder he murmured'" Did you ever see an old abbey before, Mr. Pewith a sigh, as the scarce-dried window-panes dis- ters "
closed a road now-inch-deep in mud, " Ah! then, ters
" Yes, miss, a French one; we have got one at
it's little good the claning of ye!" —for well had a,      ac
Ramsgate; he teaches the Miss Joneses to parleyhe learned in the hall below that eight miles of a.
stiff clay soil lay between the manor and Bolsover vM, and S  turned  of sixty."
Miss Simpkinson closed her album with an air of
Abbey, whose picturesque ruins,                inefble disdain.
Like ancient Rome, majestic in decay,          *        *         *        *
the party had determined to explore. The master   "Caroline," said Charles, "I have had some very
had already commenced dressing, and the man was odd dreams since I have been at Tappington."
fitting straps upon a light pair of crane-necked    "Dreams, have you?" smiled the young lady,




THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.                                  935
arching her taper neck like a swan in pluming. tel-piece, established himself upon the rug, and
"Dreams, have you?"                            subducting his coat-tails one under each arm, turned
" Ay; dreams,-or dream, perhaps, I should say; towards the fire that portion of the human frame
for, though repeated, it was still the same. And  which it is considered equally indecorous to present
what do you imagine was the subject?"           to a friend or an enemy. A serious, not to say
"It is impossible for me to divine," said the  anxious, expression was visible upon his good-hutongue; —" I have not the least difficulty in guess- mored countenance, and his mouth was fast buting," said the eye as plainly as ever eye spoke.  toning itself up for an incipient whistle, when little
"I dreamt-of your great grandfather!"        Flo, a tiny spaniel of the Blenheim breed,-the pet
There was a change in the glance-" My great object of Miss Julia Simpkinson's affections,grandfather?"                                   bounced out from beneath a sofa, and began to
" Yes, the old Sir Giles, or Sir John, you told me bark at-his pantaloons.
about the other day: he walked into my bedroom    They were cleverly " built," of a light gray mixin his short cloak of murrey-colored velvet, his ture, a broad stripe of the most vivid scarlet tralong rapier, and his Raleigh-looking hat and feath- versing each seam  in a perpendicular direction
er, just as the picture represents him; but with  from hip to ankle,-in short, the regimental cosone exception."                                 tume of the Royal Bombay Fencibles. The ani"And what was that?"                          mal, educated in the country, had never seen such
"Why his lower extremities, which were visible, a pair of breeches in her life-Omne ignotum pro
were-those of a skeleton."                      magnifico! The scarlet streak, inflamed as it was
"Well."                                       by the reflection of the fire, seemed to act on Flo"Well, after taking a turn or two about the  ra's nerves as the same color does on those of bulls
room, and looking round him with a wistful air, he  and turkeys; she advanced at the pas de charge,
came to the bed's foot, stared at me in a manner and her vociferation, like her amazement, was unimpossible to describe,-and then he-he laid hold  bounded. A sound kick from the disgusted officer
of my pantaloons; whipped his long bony legs into  changed its character, and induced a retreat at the
them in a twinkling; and, strutting up to the glass, very moment when the mistress of the pugnacious
quadruped entered to the rescue.
The conference between the young gentlemen
was neither brief in its duration nor unimportant
in its result. The subject was what the lawyers
call tripartite, embracing the information that
Charles Seaforth was over head and ears in love
with Tom  Ingoldsby's sister; secondly, that the
lady had referred him to "papa" for his sanction;
thirdly, and lastly, his nightly visitations, and consequent bereavement. At the two first items Tom
smiled auspiciously;-at the last, he burst out into
an absolute " guffaw."
I      byl "Steal your breeches!-Miss Bailey over again,
by Jove," shouted Ingoldsby.  "But a gentleman,
you say, —and Sir Giles too. —I am  not sure,
I  /   Charles, whether I ought not to call you out for
aspersing the honor of the family!"
"Laugh as you will, Tom,-be as incredulous
as you please.  One fact is incontestable,-the
breeches are gone! Look here-I am reduced to
my regimentals; and if these go, to-morrow I must
borrow of you!"
Rochefoucault says, there is something in the
misfortunes of our very best friends that does not
displease us;-assuredly we can, most of us, laugh
at their petty inconveniences, till called upon to
supply them. Tom composed his features on the
instant, and replied witk more gravity, as well as
seemed to view himself in it with great complacen- with an expletive, which, if my Lord Mayor had
cy. I tried to speak, but in vain. The effort, been within hearing, might have cost him five shilhowever, seemed to excite his attention; for, wheel- lings.
ing about, he showed me the grimmest-looking' There is something very queer in this, after all.
death's head you can well imagine, and with an in- The clothes, you say, have positively disappeared.
describable grin strutted out of the room."     Somebody is playing you a trick; and ten to one
"Absurd! Charles. How can you talk such non- your servant has a hand in it. By the way, I heard
sense?"                                        something yesterday of his kicking up a bobbery
"But, Caroline,-the breeches are really gone."  in the kitchen, and seeing a ghost, or something of
*        *         *        *           that kind, himself. Depend upon it, Barney is in
On the following morning, contrary to his usual the plot!"
custom, Seaforth was the first person in the break-   It now  struck the lieutenant at once, that the
fast parlor. As no one else was present, he did  usually buoyant spirits of his attendant had of late
precisely what nine young men out of ten so situ- been materially sobered down, his loquacity obated would have done; he walked up to the man- viously circumscribed, and that he, the said lieu



936                           THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.
tenant, had actually rung his bell three several         *        *         *
times that very morning before he could procure'Twas now the very witching time of night,
his attendance. Mr. Maguire was forthwith sum-   When churchyards yawn, and graves give up their dead.
moned, and underwent a close examination. The    Gladly would I grace my tale with a decent hor" bobbery" was easily explained. Mr. Oliver Dobbs ror, and therefore I do beseech the "gentle reader"
had hinted his disapprobation of a flirtation carry- to believe, that if all the succedanea to this mysteing on between the gentleman from Munster and  rious narrative are not in strict keeping, he will asthe lady from the Rue St. Honor6. Mademoiselle  cribe it only to the disgraceful innovations of modhad boxed Mr. Maguire's ears, and Mr. Maguire  ern degeneracy upon the sober and dignified habits
had pulled Mademoiselle upon his knee, and the  of our ancestors. I can introduce him, it is true,
lady had not cried Mon Dieu! And Mr. Oliver into an old and high-roofed chamber, its walls covDobbs said it was very wrong; and Mrs. Botherby  ered on three sides with black oak wainscoting,
said it was "scandalous," and what ought not to be  adorned with carvings of fruit and flowers long
done in any moral kitchen; —and Mr. Maguire had  anterior to those of Grinling Gibbons; the fourth
got hold of the Honorable Augustus Sucklethumb- side is clothed with a curious remnant of dingy
kin's powder-flask, and had put large pinches of the  tapestry, once elucidatory of some Scriptural hisbest double Dartford into Mr. Dobbs's tobacco-box; tory, but of which not even Mrs. Botherby could
-and Mr. Dobbs's pipe had exploded, and set fire  determine. Mr. Simpkinson, who had examined it
to Mrs. Botherby's Sunday cap -and Mr. Maguire  carefully, inclined to believe the principal figure to
had put it out with the slop-basin,- " barring the  be either Bathsheba, or Daniel in the lions' den;
wig;"-and then they were all so "cantankerous," while Tom Ingoldsby decided in favor of the King
that Barney had gone to take a walk in the gar- of Bashan. All, however,, was conjecture, tradiden; and then-then Mr. Barney had  seen a tion being silent on the subject.-A lofty arched
ghost!!                                        portal led into, and a little arched portal led out of,
"A  what? you blockhead?" asked Tom  In- this apartment; they were opposite each other,
goldsby.                                        and each possessed the security of massy bolts on
"Sure then, and it's meself will tell your honor its interior. The bedstead, too, was not one of
the rights of it," said the ghost-seer.  " Meself and  yesterday, but manifestly coeval with days ere SedMiss Pauline, sir,-or Miss Pauline and meself, for dons was, and when a good four-post "article" was
the ladies come first anyhow,-we got tired of the  deemed worthy of being a royal bequest. The bed
hobstropylous skrimmaging among the ould ser- itself, with all the appurtenances of palliasse, matvants, that didn't know a joke when they seen one: tresses, etc., was of far later date, and looked most
and we went out to look at the comet, that's the  incongruously comfortable; the casements, too,
rory-bory-alehouse, they calls him in this country, with their little diamond-shaped panes and iron
— and we walked upon the lawn,-and divil of any  binding, had given way to the modern heterodoxy
alehouse there was there at all; and Miss Pauline  of the sash-window.  Nor was this all that consaid it was because of the shrubbery maybe, and  spired to ruin the costume, and render the room a
why wouldn't we see it better beyonst the trees? meet haunt for such " mixed spirits" only as could
-and so we went to the trees, but sorrow a comet condescend to don at the same time an Elizabethan
did meself see there, barring a big ghost instead  doublet and Bond street inexpressibles.
of it."                                           With their green morocco slippers on a modern
"A ghost? And what sort of a ghost, Barney?" fender, in front of a disgracefully modern grate,
"Och, then, divil a lie I'll tell your honor. A  sat two young gentlemen, clad in " shawl-pattern"
tall ould gentleman he was, all in white, with a  dressing gowns and black silk stocks, much at vashovel on the shoulder of him, and a big torch in  riance with the high, cane-backed chairs which suphis fist,-though what he wanted with that it's me- ported them.  A bunch of abomination called a
self can't tell, for his eyes were like gig-lamps, let cigar, reeked in the left-hand corner of the mouth
alone the moon and the comet, which wasn't there  of one, and in the right-hand corner of the mouth
at all; —and'Barney,' says he to me,-'cause why  of the other;-an arrangement happily adapted for
he knew me,-' Barney,' says he,'what is it your'e  the escape of the noxious fumes up the chimney,
doing with the colleen there, Barney?'-Divil a without that unmerciful "funking" each other,
word did I say. Miss Pauline screeched, and cried  which a less scientific disposition of the weed would
murther in French, and ran off with herself; and  have induced. A small pembroke table filled up
of course meself was in a mighty hurry after the  the intervening space between them, sustaining, at
lady, and had no time to stop palavering with him  each extremity, an elbow and a glass of toddy;
any way; so I dispersed at once, and the ghost thus in "lonely pensive contemplation" were the
vanished in a flame of fire!"                  two worthies occupied, when the "iron tongue of
Mr. Maguire's account was received with avowed  midnight had tolled twelve."
incredulity by both gentlemen; but Barney stuck    "Ghost-time's come?" said Ingoldsby, taking
to his text with unflinching pertinacity. A refer- from his waistcoat pocket a watch like a gold halfence to Mademoiselle was suggested, but abandon- crown, and consulting it as though' he suspected
ed, as neither party had a taste for delicate inves- the turret-clock over the stables of mendacity.
tigations.                                        "Hush!" said Charles; " did I not hear a foot"I'll tell you what, Seaforth," said Ingoldsby, step?"
after Barney had received his dismissal, "that there    There was a pause: there was a footstep-it
is a trick here is evident; and Barney's vision  sounded distinctly-it reached the door-it hesimay possibly be a part of it. Whether he is most tated, stopped, and-passed on.
knave or fool, you best know. At all events, I will   Tom  darted across the room, threw open the
sit up with you to-night, and see if I can convert door, and became aware of Mrs. Botherby toddling
my ancestor into a visiting acquaintance. Mean- to her chamber at the other end of the gallery,
while, your finger on your lip!"               after dosing one of the housemaids with an ap



THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.                                 937
proved julep from the Countess of Kent's " Choice  your honor's thinking?" said he, after a moment's
Manual."                                        pause, and with a slight shade of indignation in his
"Good night, sir!" said Mrs. Botherby.      tones: "is it I would stale the master's things,"Go to the d-1!" said the disappointed ghost- and what would I do with them?"
hunter.                                           "That you best know: —what your purpose is I
An hour-two-rolled on, and still no spectral can't guess, for I don't think you mean to' stale'
visitation; nor did aught intervene to make night them, as you call it; but that you are concerned in
hideous; and when the turret-clock sounded at their disappearance, I am satisfied. Confound this
length the hour of three, Ingoldsby, whose pa- blood!-give me a towel, Barney."
tience and grog were alike exhausted, sprang from    Maguire acquitted himself of the commission.
his chair, saying-                              "As I've a sowl, your honor," said he, solemnly,
" This is all infernal nonsense, my good fellow. " little it is meself knows of the matter; and after
Deuce of any ghost shall we see to-night; it's long  what I seen    "
past the canonical hour. I'm off to bed; and as   "What you've seen?  Why, what have you seen?
to your breeches, I'll jnsure them  for the next -Barney, I don't want to inquire into your flirtatwenty-four hours at least, at the price of the buck- tions; but don't suppose you can palm off your
ram."                                          saucer eyes and gig-lamps upon me!"
" Certainly.-Oh! thank'ee; —to be sure!" stanr-    " Then, as sure as your honor's standing there I
mered Charles, rousing himself from  a reverie, saw him: and why wouldn't I, when Miss Pauline
which had degenerated into an absolute snooze.    was to the fore as well as meself, and    "
"Good night, my boy!  Bolt the door behind    " Get along with your nonsense,-leave the room,
me; and defy the Pope, the Devil, and the Pre- sir!"
tender!-"                                        "But the master!" said Barney, imploringly;
Seaforth followed his friend's advice, and the  "and without a breeches!-sure he'll be catching
next morning came down to breakfast dressed in  cowld!-"
the habiliments of the preceding day. The charm   "Take that, rascal!" replied Ingoldsby, throwwas broken, the demon defeated; the light grays ing a pair of pantaloons at, rather than to, him;
with the red stripe down the seams were yet in re- " but don't suppose, sir, you shall carry on your
rum naturd, and adorned the person of their lawful tricks here with impunity; recollect there is such
proprietor.                                    a thing as a treadmill, and that my father is a
Tom felicitated himself and his partner of the  county magistrate."
watch on the result- of their vigilance; but there    Barney's eye flashed fire,-he stood erect, and
is a rustic adage, which warns us against self-gratu- was about to speak; but, mastering himself, not
lation before we are quite "out of the wood."-  without an effort, he took up the garment, and left
Seaforth was yet within its verge.             the room as perpendicular as a quaker.
A rap at Tom Ingoldsby's door the following    "Ingoldsby," said Charles Seaforth, after breakmorning startled him as he was shaving: —he cut fast, "this is now past a joke; to-day is the last of
his chin.                                      my stay; for, notwithstanding the ties which detain
"Come in, and be d-d to you!" said the mar- me, common decency obliges me to visit home after
tyr, pressing his thumb on the scarified epidermis. so long an absence. I shall come to an immediate
-The door opened, and exhibited Mr. Barney Ma- explanation with your father on the subject nearest
guire.                                         my heart, and depart while I have a change of
" Well, Barney, what is it?" quoth the sufferer, dress left. On his answer will my return depend!
adopting the vernacular of his visitant.       in the mean time tell me candidly, —I ask it in all
"The master, sir   "                         seriousness, and as a friend,-am I not a dupe to
" Well, what does he want?"                 your well-known propensity to hoaxing? have you
" The loanst of a breeches, plase your honor."   not a hand in -"
"Why, you don't mean to tell me-By heaven,   "No, by Heaven! Seaforth; I see what you
this is too good!" shouted Tom, bursting into a mean: on my honor, I am as much mystified as
fit of uncontrollable laughter. " Why, Barney, you  yourself; and if your servant _ "
don't mean to say the ghost has got them again?"    "Not he:-if there be a trick, he at least is not
Mr. Maguire did not respond to the young squire's privy to it."
risibility; the cast of his countenance was decidedly    "If there be a trick?  Why, Charles, do you
serious.                                       think -   "
"Faith, then, it's gone they are, sure enough!   "I know not what to think, Tom. As surely as
Hasn't meself been looking over the bed, and un- you are a living man, so surely did that spectral
der the bed, and in the bed, for the matter of that, anatomy visit my room again last night, grin in my
and divil a ha'p'orth of breeches is there to the  face, and walk away with my trousers; nor was I
fore at all:-I'm bothered entirely!"           able to spring from my bed, or break the chain
" Hark'ee! Mr. Barney," said Tom, incautiously  which seemed to bind me to my pillow."
removing his thumb, and letting a crimson stream    " Seaforth!" said Ingoldsby, after a short, pause,
"incarnadine the multitudinous" lather that plas- " I will —but hush! here are the girls and my father.
tered his throat,-" this may be all very well with  -I will carry off the females, and leave you a clear
your master, but you don't humbug me, sir:-tell field with the governor: carry your point with him,
me instantly what have you done with the clothes?" and we will talk about your breeches afterwards."
This abrupt transition from  "lively to severe'    Tom's diversion was successful; he carried off
certainly took Maguire by surprise, and he seemed  the ladies en masse to look at a remarkable specifor an instant as much disconcerted as it is possible  men of the class Dodecandria Monogynia, —which
to disconcert an Irish gentleman's gentleman.  they could not find;-while Seaforth marched
"Me? is it meself, then, that's the ghost, to  boldly up to the encounter, and carried "the gov



938                           THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON.
ernor's" outworks by a coup de main. I shall not now returned towards the bed; put on his slippers,
stop to describe the progress of the attack; suffice  and, with cautious and stealthy steps, proceeded
it that it was as successful as could have been  towards the little arched doorway that opened on
wished, and that Seaforth was referred back again  the private staircase.
to the lady. The happy lover was off at a tangent;    As he drew the bolt, Tom Ingoldsby emerged
the botanical party was soon overtaken; and the  from his hiding-place; but the sleep-walker heard
arm  of Caroline, whom a vain endeavor to spell him not; he proceeded softly down stairs, followed
out the Linnean name of a daffy-down-dilly had  at a due distance by his friend; opened the door
detained a little in the rear of the others, was soon  which led out upon the gardens; and stood at once
firmly locked in his own.                       among the thickest of the shrubs, which there clusWhat was the world to them,       tered round the base of a corner turret, and
Its noise, its nonsense, and its'breeches' all?  screened the postern from  common observation.
Seaforth was in the seventh heaven; he retired to  At this moment, Ingoldsby had nearly spoiled all by
his room that night as happy as if no such thing  making a false step: the sound attracted Seaforth's
as a goblin had ever been heard of, and personal attention,-he paused and turned; and, as the full
chattels were as well fenced in by law as real prop- moon shed her light directly upon his pale and
erty. Not so Tom Ingoldsby: the mystery-for troubled features, Tom marked, almost with dismay,
mystery there evidently was,-had not only piqued  the fixed and rayless appearance of his eyes:his curiosity, but ruffled his temper. The watch of
the previous night had been unsuccessful, probably       That he did glare withal.
because it was undisguised.  To-night he would
4"ensconce himself,"-not indeed "behind the ar- The perfect stillness preserved by his follower
ras,"-for the little that remained was, as we have  seemed to reassure him; he turned aside; and from
seen, nailed to the wall,-but in a small closet the midst of a thickset laurustinus, drew forth a
which opened from one corner of the room, and, gardener's spade, shouldering which he proceeded
by leaving the door ajar, would give to its occu- with greater rapidity into the midst of the shrubpant a view of all that might pass n the apartment. bery. Arrived at a certain point where the earth
Here did the young ghost-hunter take up a posieemed to hae been recently disturbed, he set himtion, with a good stout sapling under his arm, a filllself heartily to the task of digging, till, having
half-hour before Seaforth retired for the night. thrown up several shovelfuls of mould, he stopped,
Not even his friend did he let into his confidence, flung down his tool, and very composedly began to
fully determined that if his plan did not succeed, disencumber hinself of his pantaloons.
the failure should be attributed to himself alone.  Up to this moment, Tom had watched him with a
At the usual hour of separation for the night, wary eye; he now advanced cautiously, and, as his
Tom saw, from his concealment, the lieutenant en- friend was busily engaged in disentangling himself
ter his room, and, after taking a few turns in it, from  his garment, made himself master of the
with an expression so joyous as to betoken that his spade. Seaforth, meanwhile, had accomplishedhis
thoughts were mainly occupied by his approaching  purpose: he stood for a  moment with
happiness, proceed slowly to disrobe himself. The          His streamers waving in the wind,
coat, the waistcoat, the black silk stock, were grad- occupied in carefully rolling up the small-clothes
ually discarded; the green morocco slippers were  into as compact a form as possible, and all heedless
kicked off, and then-ay, and then-his counte- of the breath of heaven, which might certainly be
nance grew grave; it seemed to occur to him all supposed, at shch a moment, and in such a plight,
at once that this was his last stake,-nay, that the  to "visit his frame too roughly."
very breeches he had on were not his own,-that   -He was in the act of stooping low to deposit
to-morrow morning was his last, and that if he lost the pantaloons in the grave which he had been digthem -. A glance showed that his mind was ging for them, when Tom Ingoldsby came close bemade up; he replaced the single button he hadjust hind him, and with the fiat side of the spadeabducted, and threw himself upon the bed in a state     *         *         *        *
of transition,-half chrysalis, half grub.         The shock was effectual; —never again was LieuWearily did Tom Ingoldsby watch the sleeper by  tenant Seaforth known to act the part of a somthe flickering light of the night-lamp, till the clock, nambulist. One by one, his breeches,-his trousers,
striking one, induced him to increase the narrow  -his pantaloons, —his silk-net tights,-his patent
opening which he had left for the purpose of ob- cords,-his showy grays with the broad red stripe
servation. The motion, slight as it was, seemed to  of the Bombay Fehcibles, were brought to light, —
attract Charles's attention; for he raised himself rescued from the grave in which they had been busuddenly to a sitting posture, listened for a moment, ried like the strata of a Christmas pie; and, after
and then stood upright upon the floor. Ingoldsby  having been well aired by Mrs. Botherby, became
was on the point of discovering himself, when, the  once again effective.
light flashing full upon his friend's countenance, he    The family, the ladies especially, laughed;-the
perceived that, though his eyes were open, "their Peterses laughed; —the  Simpkinsons laughed;sense was shut,"-that he was yet under the in- Barney Maguire cried "Botheration!" and.Ma'mfluence of sleep. Seaforth advanced slowly to the  selle Pauline, " Mon Dieu!"
toilet, lit his candle at the lamp that stood on it,   Charles Seaforth, unable to face the quizzing
then, going back to the bed's foot, appeared to  which awaited him  on all sides, started off two
search eagerly for something which he could not hours earlier than he had proposed: —he soon refind. For a few moments he seemed restless and  turned, however, and having, at his father-in-law's
uneasy, walking round the apartment and examin- request, given up the occupation of rajah-hunting
ing the chairs, till, coming fully in front of a large  and shooting nabobs, led his blushing bride to the
swing-glass that flanked the  dressing-table, he  altar.
paused, as if contemplating his figure in it. He    Mr. Simpkinson from Bath did not attend the




A HOPEFUL YOUTH.                                     939
ceremony, being engaged at the Grand Junction  on; the union has been crowned with two or three
Meeting of.Slavans, then congregating from all tidy little offshoots from the family tree, of whom
parts of the known world in the city of Dublin. Master Neddy is " grand-papa's darling," and MaryHis essay, demonstrating that the globe is a great Anne mamma's particular "Sock."  I shall only
custard, whipped into coagulation by whirlwinds, add, that Mr. and Mrs. Seaforth are living together
and cooked by electricity,-a little too much baked  quite as happily as two good-hearted, good-temin the Isle of Portland, and a thought underdone  pered bodies, very fond of each other, can possibly
about the Bog of Allan,-was highly spoken of, do: and that, since the day of his marriage,
and narrowly escaped obtaining a Bridgewater Charles has shown no disposition to jump out of
prize.                                          bed, or ramble out of doors o'nights,-though,
Miss Simpkinson and her sister acted as brides- from his entire devotion to every wish and whim
maids on the occasion; the former wrote an ep- of his young wife, Tom insinuates that the fair
ithalamium, and the latter cried " Lassy me 1" at Caroline does still occasionally take advantage of it
the clergyman's wig. Some years have since rolled  so far as to " slip on the Breeches."
A HOPEFUL YOUTH.
FROM " MY COUSIN NICHOLAS."  BY RICHARD HARRIS BARHAM.
I CANNOT say that the manners of my new friend  tating, while a degree of disorder was visible in his
made a very favorable impression upon me; nay, I whole demeanor. He took his seat at the breakmust own that with respect to my cousin Nicholas, fast-table in silence, and began to occupy himself
my temper was even more fastidious. In vain did with his teacup, bending down his head, as if with
that facetious young gentleman exhibit some of the the intention of shading his countenance from the
choicest specimens of his wit for my entertainment; observation of the company. My uncle at this moin vain were the most jocose feats of practical inge- ment inquired for the newspaper, the invariable
nuity, feats which convulsed all the grooms and  concomitant of his morning meal, and was answered
footmen in the house with laughter, brought for- by the butler that he had placed it on the table as
ward to amuse me; in vain did he tie the wheel of usual, before any of the family had come down, exa post-chaise, which had drawn up at a door in the  cept Mr. Bullwinkle, whom he thought he had seen
village, to one of the legs of an adjacent fruit-stall, engaged in its perusal.
and occasion in consequence a most ludicrous sub-   "And pray, Mr. Nick, what have you done with
version of the fragile fabric on the sudden move- it?" cried Sir Oliver. "I did not know you had
ment of the vehicle, to the utter consternation of a been up so early."
profane old apple-woman, who loaded the unknown    "Done with it, sir?" stammered my cousin.
malefactor with her bitterest execrations; in vain  "Nothing, sir —that is, nothing in particular.  I
did he even exercise his humor on my own person, have left it in my own room, I dare say; I can
putting drugs of a' cathartic quality into my soup, fetch it, if you wish me, sir-that is-but perhaps
or removing the linchpins from a pony-chaise, which  you will like to read it after breakfast?"-and his
I was fond of driving about the grounds, and there- eye glanced significantly toward my mother.
by occasioning me an unexpected descent from my    Its expression was not to be mistaken. She
triumphal car, accomplished with far more of preci- caught the alarm instantly, and rising from her
pitation than grace-still, I was so weak as to re- chair, while her trembling limbs scarce sufficed to
main insensible to his merit, and even to look upon bear her weight, and her face turned ashy pale, exthese sprightly sallies with some degree of anger claimed, "There is news from Spain!  I am sure
and indignation. I have little doubt but that I of it-and Stafford is killed!"
must have appeared to him a very dull dog, and    Her words were electrical, and a simultaneous
should in all probability have soon incurred his su- conviction of their truth blanched every cheek.
preme contempt, but for an event which, I have    "Killed!" returned my cousin Nicholas. "No,
since had reason to imagine, changed in some de- my dear aunt-that is-I hope not; but-there has
gree the nature of his feelings toward me.     been an action-a severe one, and it is as well to
The last accounts from Spain bad stated the ap- be prepared-"
proximation of the two contending armies, and the    Mrs. Stafford's worst fears were confirmed: she
public journals did not hesitate to speculate on the fainted, and was carried from the room. In the
probability of an approaching engagement. These confusion of the moment, no one thought of inquirconjectures derived much additional strength from  ing into the sad particulars of the disaster that had
the contents of private dispatches; and, among  overwhelmed us. Sir Oliver first asked the quesothers, of letters received by my mother from her tion, and demanded to see the fatal paper.  My
husband, who, from  his situation in Lord -'s  cousin immediately complied with the requisition,
staff, had good grounds for supposing such a cir- and produced it from his pocket; saying, coolly, as
cumstance to be very likely to take place.  My he put it into his father's hand, that " he was sorry
mother's anxiety was, of course, extreme; nor to see his aunt so discomposed, as his uncle Stafford
could I fail to partake of the same feelings, when, might not, after all, be killed, or even wounded, as
one morning, the rest of the family being already  his name certainly was not in the list of either the
assembled at breakfast, my cousin Nicholas, who  one or the other."
was usually later than any other of the party, en-   " Not in the list!" roared Sir Oliver.  "Then
tered the room.                                 what the d-1 did you mean, you young rascal, by
His countenance, unlike its usual expression, was alarming us all in this manner?" and stood with an
serious, and even solemn; his step slow and hesi- expression of countenance in which joy, surprise,




940                                 A HOPEFUL YOUTHT.
and anger, were most ludicrously commingled; while lancet, the information which had indeed nearly
I, as the conviction that my ingenious cousin had  again overwhelmed her, such beneficial effects were
merely been once more indulging his taste for produced as to warrant him, on joining us in the
pleasantry flashed upon my mind, sprung forward  parlor below, in holding out the strongest hopes
in the heat of my indignation, and, with a tolerably  that no ulterior consequences of a more serious or
well-directed blow of my arm, levelled that jocose  unpleasant nature would attend the execution of
young gentleman with the floor.                 my cousin's frolic.
A yell, shrill and piercing as that of the fabled    Sir Oliver pressed the doctor strongly to stay and
mandrake, when torn by the hand of violence from  partake of our family dinner; this invitation, howits parent earth, accompanied his prostration, and  ever, frankly as it was proffered, he thought fit
the ill-concealed triumph which had begun to spar- most positively to decline. Indeed, ever since the
kle in his eye at the success of his stratagem, gave  surreptitious abduction of his queue, which had
way to a strong aprearance of disgust at this forci' taken place on the memorable occasion of the parble appeal to his feelings. But Sir Oliver, with all ty formerly mentioned, he had been rather shy of
his partiality for his heir, was at this moment too  committing his person within the four walls of Unangry to take up his cause: he ordered him instant- derdown Hall, except under circumstances of proly out of the room, while I hurried off to console  fessional emergency. He had by this time, after
my mother with the intelligence that the fears she  infinite care and pains, succeeded in rearing another
had been so cruelly subjected to were altogether pigtail to a size and longitude nearly coequal with
groundless, and that the affair, to use a frequent those of its lamented predecessor. It was once
and favorite phrase of my cousin Nicholas, was again totus teres atque rotundus, and its proprietor
"nothing but a jolly good hoax from beginning to  was, therefore, not without reason, especially apend."                                           prehensive lest the scissors of my cousin Nicholas,
I found my mother still suffering severely under scarcely less fatal than those of the Parcae, might
the impression that the blood of her beloved hus- once more subject this cherished appendage to the
band had mingJed with that of many of his brave  unpleasant ceremony of a divorce. Despite, therecountrymen in crimsoning the plains of Talavera. fore, the Circaean allurements of a fine haunch of
Painful as it was to witness her distress, I almost forest mutton, his favorite joint, Dr. Drench shook
dreaded to inform her that she had been imposed  me cordially by the hand, bowed to Sir Oliver and
upon, lest the sudden transition from despair to  the captain, and quitted the house.
extreme joy, on finding her apprehensions for his    My uncle, whose love and regard for his sister,
safety entirely groundless, should prove too much  always sincere, were, perhaps, greater at this than
for her agitated mind, and plunge her perhaps into  at any former period of his life, was truly rejoiced
a situation still more to be dreaded than that state  to find that no seriously unpleasant effects were
of insensibility from which she was now beginning  likely to ensue from what, now his apprehensions
slowly to emerge.                               were allayed, he began to consider as a pardonable,
Fortunately, while I was yet meditating on the  though somewhat too lively, ebullition of youthful
best method of conveying the happy news to her vivacity; he had even begun to explain to the capwith the caution it required, Dr. Drench was ush- tain, for the five hundredth time, what a desideratum
ered into the apartment. The worthy old butler, it was that a boy should have a little mischief-a
on seeing the condition in which his mistress had  "little spice of the d-l," as he phrased it, "in
been borne from the breakfast parlor, had hurried, him;" the captain, in no wise relaxing from his acunbidden, in search of that gentleman's assistance, customed taciturnity, was very composedly occupyand had luckily found him at his own house, which  ing himself in arranging the men upon the backwas situate scarcely a hundred yards distant from  gammon board, and neither assented nor demurred
the avenue leading to the Hall. When he arrived, to a proposition which he had so often heard laid
the good doctor was in the very act of mounting his down by his host before; while I, in that restless,
galloway, a tight little Suffolk punch of more "bone" fidgety state of mind which one feels when subsidthan " mettle," in order to pay a visit to a patient. ing agitation has not yet quite sunk into composure,
Of course, no persuasion was necessary, under the  was endeavoring to divert the unpleasant current
circumstances, to induce him to alter his route for of my thoughts by turning over the leaves of the
the present; and, having stored his pockets with a last new novel, brought by Miss Kitty Pyefinch
profusion of the usual restoratives, a very few min- from the circulating library at Underdown, when a
utes brought him to Mrs. Stafford's bedside. Taking  strange medley of voices and confusion of sounds,
him aside to the window, I, in as few words as pos- portending some new calamity, and proceeding
sible, recounted to him the cause of my mother's from  the outward hall, arrested my attention,
sudden indisposition, together with the real state of caused even the imperturbable captain to raise his
the case, the assurance of which would, I was per- eyes from his game, and drew from Sir Oliver Bullsuaded, prove the most effectual remedy for her winkle the abrupt exclamation, "What the devil's
disorder; then, leaving it to his discretion to an- that?"
nounce the glad tidings in the manner most befitting    The sounds evidently and rapidly approached; in
the occasion, I retired from the room. The worthy  a few seconds, the parlor door flew open, and a figdoctor, not being blessed with a very keen relish  ure, which, by its general outline only, could be
for the ridiculous, was at first a good deal shocked  recognized as that of Drench, occupied the vacant
at my narration, and, in the simplicity of his heart, space, while the background of the picture was
cursed my cousin Nicholas for "a mischievous filled up by an assemblage of sundry domestics,
young cub;" but then it may be observed in pallia- bearing clothes-brushes and rubbers of various detion, that Drench was but a plain man, with very  scriptions, and exhibiting a set of countenances in
little taste for humor. By his care and skill, how- every one of which respect, and a strong inclination
ever, together with the judicious way in which he  to risibility, manifestly contended for the mastery.
communicated to his patient, after a free use of the    The unexpected appearance of such a phenome,



A HOPEFUL YOUTH.                                      941
non excited scarcely less surprise and astonishment now exhibited indeed but a melancholy resemblance
in my own mimd than in that of Sir Oliver, who  to the real appendage of that unclean animal from
stood gazing on the apparition with symptoms of  which it had metaphorically derived its designation.
the most undisguised amazement, till a voice, bro-   Rueful, indeed, was the appearance of the worthy
ken by passion, and impeded by the mud, which  disciple of Galen, as he underwent the scrutinizing
filled the mouth of the speaker, stammered out:    gaze of Sir Oliver, who found it very convenient at
" Look here, Sir Oliver! I beg you will look here  the same time to have recourse to a family snuff-this is another of the tricks of your precious son  box which he usually carried about his person. In
Nicholas. His behavior is unbearable-he is a pest this mode of proceeding he was imitated by the
to the whole neighborhood, Sir Oliver."         captain, who now for the first time broke silence to
"Why, what on earth is all this about? What request the favor of a pinch from the well-known
is the matter, my good friend?"                 tabatiere, after which a more specific inquiry was
"Matter!-the devil's the matter-almost dislo- instituted into  the  predisposing and proximate
eating my neck's the matter. I'm a plain man, Sir causes of Dr. Drench's disaster.
Oliver "-no one who looked in poor Drench's face    Those causes were, alas! but too soon made
could gainsay the assertion-" I am a plain man, manifest.
and I now tell you plainly, that if you do not curb    My cousin Nicholas, it seems, had encountered
that young man's propensity to mischief, some time  the doctor at the Hall door, on his return, and had
or other he will come to be hanged!  Only see stopped him to make inquiries respecting the health
what a pickle I am in!"                        of his patient, whose indisposition he vehemently
The last sentence was uttered in a lachrymose  deplored, uttering a thousand regrets that a silly
whine, so different from the highly-raised tone in joke of his own should have produced it. For this,
which the former part of the invective had been  he declared he should never be able to forgive himpronounced, that my uncle, who had begun to bris- self; although, as he protested, it had never entertle at hearing the lineal heir of Sir Roger de Bull- ed his imagination that the trick could have been
winkle consigned thus unceremoniously to the  attended with consequences so alarming. Touched
superintendence of Mr. Ketch, was immediately  by his remorse, the good doctor comforted him
mollified, and his attention being thus pointedly  with the information that, if nothing occurred to
attracted to the rueful appearance exhibited by the produce a relapse, his aunt would not, he trusted,
doctor, his anger was forthwith subdued.  Dr. be so serious a sufferer as he had at first feared;
Drench was a little punchy figure of a man, stand- he then seized the opportunity to read his young
ing about five feet nothing, plump and round as a penitent a short but energetic lecture on the folly
pill; he was placed opposite to Sir Oliver, dilating  and wickedness (so he expressed himself) of thus
his height to the very utmost, and if he did not on  terrifying, or even inconveniencing others, merely
this occasion add a cubit to his stature, it was mani- to gratify a silly and mischievous propensity.
festly from sheer inability, and not from any want   My cousin Nicholas listened to these well-intendof inclination; his snuff-colored coat, black-silk  ed and well-delivered observations, with the prowaistcoat, kerseymeres, and "continuations," no  foundest attention; he heaved a sigh at their conlonger boasted that unsullied purity, in all the pride  elusion, and with a becoming gravity assented to
of which they had quitted Underdown Hall not half their justice, at the same time volunteering a proan hour before; a thick incrustation of dark blue mise that this offence should be his last. Pleased
mud, agreeably relieved by spots of the most vivid  with the effect of his own oratory, and nothing
crimson, now covered them- with plastic tenacity, doubting that the contrition of the youthful offendrendering their original tints scarcely discernible  er was, for the moment at least, sincere, Dr. Drench
by the most microscopic eye. Nor had the visage put one foot into the stirrup attached to his galloof the unfortunate gentleman escaped much better, way, which a- groom had now led out, and throwing
since, but for -the sanguine current which flowed his leg over the saddle, failed to remark that his
down the lower part of his-face in a double stream, proselyte had taken the opportunity afforded by his
he might not unaptly have been compared to the  back being turned for the nonce, to introduce a
"Man with the Iron Mask," so completely had the  large thistle beneath the tail of the quadruped on
aforesaid incrustation adapted itself to the contour whose back he had now attained so perilous an eleof his features.                                vation.
If Pope's assertion be borrect, when, following    The effect was obvious and immediate: utterly
Ariosto, he pronounces that all things lost on earth  unaccustomed to any application of a similar deare treasured in the moon, the doctor's well-brushed  scription, and highly resenting the indignity thus
beaver was, in- all probability, by this time safely  offered to his person, Punch, as sober a gelding as
laid up in that poetical repository of missing chat- any in the three kingdoms, instantly evinced his
tels, for below it was unquestionably nowhere to be  sense of the degradation to which he had been subfound: its place, however, was supplied by a cap  jected, by violent and repeated calcitrationg, of no
of the same adhesive material as that which.deco- common altitude, and distributed in every possible
rated his face and habiliments, affording strong pre- direction. Becoming every moment more eager to
sumptive evidence that whatever portion of his per- relieve himself from so disgraceful and inconvenient
son had first emerged from the ditch he had so  an adjunct as that which now encumbered and anlately evacuated, his head had at all events taken  noyed his rear, he at length took the resolution of
precedence on his entry into it. His pigtail, too-  starting off at score, and soon deviated so much
that darling object of his fondest affection, to guard  from his usually rectilinear mode of progression as
whose sacred hairs from the remotest chance of to convey his hapless rider to the edge of a large
violation, he had so reluctantly declined the Baro- sewer, into which all the filth and drainings'of the
net's proffered cheer-stood forth no longer a Hall stables, together with other not less noisome
splendid specimen of the skill of Humphrey Wil- concomitants, eventually flowed.  Here, on the
liams, sole friseur to the village of Underdown, but very brink of this abyss, an unlucky curvet, describ



942                         THE DEVIL AND DR. BUCKLAND.
ing an angle of forty-five degrees, dismounted the were absolutely impervious; so, having discovered
hapless equestrian, and precipitated him head-fore- during a moment of hesitation, what the headlong
most into the centre of the " vast profound."  precipitation of his flight had hitherto prevented
But for the groom, who had brought the doctor him from perceiving, namely, that he had long
his horse, and who had witnessed the whole of the since got rid of his old tormentor, the thistle-all
foregoing scene, poor Dr. Drench would probably these considerations, joined with the recollection
have encountered a fate compared with which, the that he had neither galloped so long nor so fast at
not altogether dissimilar end of the " Young princes any one time during the last fourteen years, inmurther'd in the Tower" might have been esteemed  duced the philosophic Punch to await quietly my
a merciful dispensation; since, whether we sub- cousin's approach, and once more to surrender his
scribe to Walpole's "Doubts" or not, there is no newly-acquired freedom without making a single
reason to imagine that the means employed for the struggle to retain it.
suffocation of the royal innocents was attended by    Having thus possessed himself of a horse, my
that "rank compound of villainous smells" which cousin Nicholas thought he would take a ride.
served, in the present case, to heighten the catas-   Many reasons concurred to render his availing
trophe. By his assistance the sufferer was, with himself of the opportunity particularly advisable;
some difficulty, extricated from the imminent peril in the first place, horse-exercise is strongly recominto which he had been plunged, and was recon- mended by the faculty, and has a tendency toward
ducted to the Hall, whither he once more repaired bracing the nerves; then, it happened to be a refor the double purpose of complaint and depuria- markably fine day; inclination prompted, opportutiou.                                         nity courted him, and he was, moreover, morally
These particulars were, not without some little certain, from the situation in which he had last betrouble, at length collected from the soiled lips of held him, that the owner of his Pegasus stood in In
the indignant doctor, and confirmed by the supple- sort of need of him at present; in addition to all
mentary attestation of the servant who had ob- which, an undefined suspicion had by this time enserved the transaction, and whose levity in giving tered my cousin's head, that certain disputatious
his evidence-the fellow absolutely grinned-drew  bickerings might, by possibility, arise at the Hall
down upon him a well-merited rebuke from the out of the circumstances which had so lately taken
court. A summons was instantly dispatched, com- place, and that a controversy might ensue, in which
manding the immediate attendance of the accused; he might find himself personally involved to an exbut my cousin Nicholas was at this precise moment tent somewhat greater than would be altogether
nowhere to be found.                          pleasant to his feelings. Now, my cousin Nicholas
That considerate young gentleman, on witnessing hated argument and squabbling about trifles, nor
the " Descent of Drench," being well aware that was he ever known to enjoy a joke at his own exliberty unexpectedly recovered is, in nine instances pense.
out of ten, abused, and most apt to degenerate into    Any of these motives, if taken separately, would
licentiousness, hastily followed the enfranchised  have been sufficient: there was no resisting them
steed, with a view to prevent any mischief which all in combination; so my cousin cantered away,
might accrue to himself or others from this his sud- and, having a pretty taste enough for the pictuden manumission.  The end of the avenue, which resque, was highly delighted by several charming
opened on the high-road near to the entrance of prospects of the surrounding country which he enthe village of Underdown, presented a formidable  countered in the course of his ride.  So much,
barrier to the further progress of the liberated nag, indeed, did they engross his attention, that time
in the shape of a lofty gate, flanked on each side by  slipped away unheeded, and he did not reach Una thick plantation of evergreens. To leap it was derdown Hall, on his return, till long after the hour
out of the question, as poor Punch held fox-hunting  which had dismissed the doctor to his own " Sweet
in utter abomination, fnd had never cleared any  Home," as well scoured, scrubbed, and scraped, as
thing more formidable than a gutter in his life; to  if he had gone through a regular course of brickescape on either side was impossible-the shrubs dust, sand, and emery paper.
THE DEVIL AND DR. BUCKLAND.
ANONYMOUS,.
As Buckland was boring for quartz and feldspar,   "Don't stand with your hammer there, tapping
And lignite in Pevensey level,                    about;
The downward geologist ventured too far,        Learn, mortal, to quake at my power!
And struck the red tiles of the Devil.      Know then, that I'm Beelzebub, roaming about,
Intent upon whom to devour!"
"How now?" quoth the demon, aroused by the                                       s vaporing
shock,                                 ""Come, come," quoth the other, "this vaporing
You've broken my vitrified casement;              smother,
My pavement Mosaic was primitive rock,          Yourpepperisrathertoostrong;
Till you came to batter its basement.       Your horns and your hoofs are infallible proofs
Of the genus to which you belong.
"Hie elsewhere, and dig for your stratified stuff,   "I feel not a jot of alarm for myself,
Your laminate, yellow, and blue;              I go from your appetite free;
Your miocene, pliocene, gypsum, and stuff,    For, ruminant, mild, graminivorous elf,
Or I'll soon make a fossil of you.            I know that- you can't devour me."




ECCENTRICITIES OF THE EARL OF BRIDGEWATER.                           943
ECCENTRICITIES  OF THE  EARL  OF BRIDGEWATER.
THE following account of the late eccentric pleasure in observing how much of the year he has
nobleman who bore this title, was published in a each day passed, by observing the state of his
Paris paper in October, 1826.-No one has higher boots. Lord Egerton is a man of few acquaintance,
claims to a distinguished place in the history of ec- and very few of his countrymen have got as far as
centricity than M. Egerton,who has for several years his dining-hall. His table, however, is constantly
borne the name of Lord Bridgewater. Those who  set out with a dozen covers, and served by a suitahave once seen this meagre personage drag himself ble attendance.  Who then are his privileged
along, supported by two huge lacqueys, with his guests?  No less than a dozen of favorite dogs,
sugar-loaf hat slouched down over his eyes, cannot who daily partake of milord's dinner, seated very
fail to recognize him. An immense fortune enables gravely in chairs, each with a napkin round his
him. to gratify the most extravagant caprices that neck. These honorable quadrupeds, as if grateful
ever passed through the head of a rich Englishman. for such delicate attentions, comport themselves
If he be lent a book, he carries his politeness so far during the time of the repast with a decency and
as to send it back, or rather have it conducted  decorum which would do more than honor to a parhome in a carriage. He gives orders that two of ty of gentlemen; but if, by chance, one of them
his most stately steeds be harnessed to one of his should, without due consideration, obey the natural
chariots, and the volume, reclining at ease in mi- instinct of his appetite, and transgress any one of
lord's seat arrives, attended by four footmen in  the rules of good manners, his punishment is at
costly livery, at the door of its astonished owner. hand. You, perhaps, gentle reader, suppose that
His carriage is frequently to be seen filled with his corporeal punishment is meant; but no-you are
dogs. He bestows great care on the feet of these mistaken;'tis in his self-love that the offender is
dogs, and orders them boots, for which he pays as punished. The day following the day of his offence,
dearly as for his own. Lord Bridgewater's costume the dog dines, and even dines well; but not at miis an excellent one for the bootmaker; for besides lord's table, and as becomes a dog to dine; banished
the four feet of his dogs, the supply of his own two  to the antechamber, and dressed in livery, he eats
feet must give constant employment to several in sorrow the' bread of shame, and picks the bone
operatives. He puts on a new pair of boots every  of mortification, while his place at table remains
day, carefully preserving those he has once worn, vacant till his repentance has merited a generous
and ranging them in order; he commands that pardon.
none shall touch them, but himself takes great
THE BLESSINGS OF LIFE.                         A WHET BEFORE DINNER.
When the devil engaged with Job's patience in battle,  Too late for dinner by an hour,
Tooth and nail strove to worry him out of his life,  The dandy enter'd-in a shower
He robb'd him of children, slaves, houses, and cattle,  Caught, and no coach when mostly wish'd,
But, mark me, he ne'er thought of taking his wife!  The beau was, like the dinner, dish'd.
But heaven, at length, Job's forbearance rewards:    Mine host then, with fat capon lined,
And in time double wealth, double honor arrives;   Grinn'd and exclaim'd, "I spose you've dined.
Heaven doubles his children, slaves, houses, and herds,  Indeed, I see you took —'twas wrongBut we don't hear a word of a couple of wives!    A whet, sir, as you came along."




944                            MANNERS MAKES THE MAN.
MANNERS MAKES THE MAN.
ANONYMOUS.
KNOW ye the wight one frequent meets,'Twas thus intent on dejeuner,
With brazen lungs around the streets,           Our hungry dustman took his way,
Soliciting a job?                              In search of fitting food:
His head in shovel-hat encased,                 Nor long his quest, until he came,
His legs in cotton hose embraced,               Where a spruce, gay, and buxom dame,
And nick-named "Dusty Bob?"                    Behind a counter stood.
You hold in small account, no doubt,
Ou whol i dsm    aot, n doubt  And, as with horny fist he smoothed his hair,
One who "dust, ho"  doth bawl about,  He thus bespoke that lady debonaire:
Yet low as his estate,                      " Cut us a slap up slice of Cheshire cheese,
Some philosophic thoughts belong                And tip's a twopenny burster, if you please."
To him whose time is passed among               Here,'tis befitting to relate the guise,
The ashes of the grate.                    In which Bob met the gentle lady's eyes.
A poll with matted carrots thatched,
Still, these are matters all apart                  A face with mud and smut bepatched,
From thy design, my muse, who art                   A neck and chest scarce half begirt
Just now intent to tell                         With a lugubrious, yellow shirt,
An episode of humble life,                          A slip of waistcoat here and there,
That was with courtly manners rife,                 Breeches, a demi-semi pair,
And thus the chance befell.                     And not a vestige of a coatSuch was our earthly sans culotte.
"The rosy morn, with blushes spread,
Now rose from out Tithonus' bed,"              When such an apparition met her view,
Which means, the world had set             What was most natural the dame should do?
(For these are unromantic days)                     Straightway address her dainty self,
About its work, and gone its ways,                  To seek the treasures of her shelf?
Forthwith to toil and sweat.
Or clap some musty, antiquated crust,
Between the fingers of the man of dust?
Among the many that arise,
To pay their morning sacrifice,
That is, to Juggernaut                     The latter, doubtless, and it so fell out,
Themselves beneath Aurora's car,                Turning, with ill-dissembled scorn, about,
With Pagan zeal your dustmen are                The lady-baker hardly deigned to drop
Beyond all others fraught.                 Into his palm the patriarch of the shop;
A venerable roll, a fixture thereA household nest-egg of the boulangkre.
In sooth, to speak, we would not choose
To state these fellows ever snooze,
For bitter as the bore is,
For bitter as the bore is,  Here a domestic mouse had, long ago
Nor night, nor morn, in square or street,           (Soon after it was dough),
Can one go forth, but he must nleet,            Wreathed him, as Thomas Moore would say,
These grim "memento moris."                          his bower "
Among the flower;
But to my tale: at break of day,                And happened, accidentally, to be
Up rose the hero of my lay,                         Chez lui,
With- hope his spirits buoy'd;              When madame put the piece of antique bread
And ever as he fill'd his cart,                 Into our dustman's hand, as hath been said.
He felt a space beneath his heart
Establishing a void.
Now, let me ask, had Chesterfield been
placed,
Loud and more loud the murmurs rise,                    placed,
Loud and more loud the murmurs rise,            What time his chyle with exercise was
Like an tEolian harp, whose sighsbraced
At first breathe gently; but               T  m
At first breathe gently; but          TO make his meal from off a living mess,
Wild music from its bosom springs,              D'ye thinksmy Lord had kept ha s politesse?
When the wind howls among the strings,                       
An d   agitates the gut.,Or acted, as did Bob, the man of dirt,
And agitates the gut.                     mWho, on the instant that he did insert
His thumb and finger in that roll so stale,.Though Bob knew nought of Eolus,               Pull'd out the squeaking vermin by the tail;
He learnt, from this internal fuss,             And seeing that the bak'ress looked aghast'Twas time for breakfast now:              Upon the means she gave to break his fastOr, as he said, " for bit and sup,             Blandly observed, "There's some mistake in
His innerds was a kicking up                            this,
Sich a unkimmon row."                      I didn't ax you for a sandwich, Miss!"




BONAPARTE AT MISS FROUNCE S SCHOOL.                             945
BONAPARTE AT MISS FROUNCE'S SCHOOL.
BY GILBERT A. A'BECKETT.
THE mind of infancy is said to resemble wax, and down his arms, I had surrendered the customary
certainly, from its excessive softness, there is rea- spoon, fork, and six towels into the hands of my
son in the simile.  The impressions made upon  schoolmistress.  I have no doubt the warlike
children by public events are very curious, and  character of the times in which she lived had imwarrant us in looking back upon boyhood as one pressed itself on her nature, for she was greatly
of the very greenest spots of our existence. In  addicted to the system of flogging, which is one of
the following chapter will be found a few JUVENILE  the necessary features of a military era. Often has
REMINISCENCES OF THE WAR WITH FRANCE AND Bo- the word been given to " march up" into the bedNAPARTE.                                       room of the lady who presided over the school,
During the very stirring events that were taking  and frequently have I obeyed the summons, when
place on the Continent of Europe in the early part the birch, or a busk from the stays of my instrucof the present century, my father, who was a re- tress, has expiated some piece of juvenile delinspectable attorney, thought it prudent to place me quency. In vain were the words " I will be good,"
at a preparatory school near Kensington. While  reiterated amid screams and tears; for, until the
Pitt was boldly contending against the revolution- avenging rod or the vindicatory whalebone-as
ary mania of France, I was engaged in a laborious the case might be-had done its office, it was hopecontest with the difficulties of Lindley Murray. It less to try to stay the hand of Miss Frounce, who
was almost on the very day of Badajoz being taken, took in young gentlemen from three to eight-and,
that I succeeded in mastering the last chapter of ten to one, took in their parents also.
the Mother's Catechism; and the same post that   But while I am dwelling on the memory of the
brought news of Wellington having forced the en- proceedings in the Hammersmith Road, I am foremy's lines, and secured his colors, gave intelli- getting the stirring events that were taking place on
gence of my having carried off the silver pen in the Continent. Bonaparte had just escaped from
triumph, as a prize for writing against my school- Elba, and Miss Frounce, like an admirable politifellows.                                      cian, took advantage of this important event to
While Napoleon Bonaparte was taking lessons in overawe the " young gentlemen from  three to
the art of war, I was struggling in an establish- eight" who were under her guidance. On all occament for "young gentlemen from three to eight," sions, Bonaparte was held up as the great bugbear,
against being drenched from the Pierian spring, and there was not a boy in the school who was
whose water is laid on to the vouthful mind at the not firmly convinced that Miss Frounce had Naporate of about thirty guineas per annum. When leon under her thumb-that, in fact, if any of "the
the illutstrious Wellington forced the enemy to lay young gentlemen" should prove refractory, Miss
Frounce had it in her power to send for Bony with as
much facility as she could'[   ( _ >  -SXA YES God:order the sweeps or the
~' Q5%),1    j  i       - Hspelling, knocked an i out
was threatened with being
r  >,%),)!;  s  X          handed over to the tender
A1every one of the pupils of
Miss Frounce felt assured
2t A   g t   ^ ~pEngland, he would knock
man from three to eight"
the very morning after his
arrival.
Whatever might have
been his feeling of hostility towards the Prince of
Wales, or the members of
the cabinet, my firm conviction was, that Master
Snodgrass, who had been
turned back in grammar,
had much more to apprehend from Napoleon than:_ ~ s~e~~ s~'~.dl ~   the Regent and the minis~S-      ~ters.  Sometimes have I
contemplated the possibil-'~ —-~~ —-- ~ity of hiding in case of the
MISS FROUNCE AND THE BOY.                    dreaded visit; but then




946                  SELECTIONS FROM  CcTHE COMIC BLACKSTONE.'
it has flashed upon my juvenile mind that Bonaparte was not to be baffled, and that he would inevitably look under all the beds in the house,
rather than be foiled in the vengeance- which the
"young gentlemen from three to eight" were convinced inspired him.
Such impressions as those I have related are
strange and absurd; but there are many now living who, if they happened, during the time of the
Never shall I forget the panic that seized on  Bonaparte panic, to be inmates of a preparatory
" all the boys" when the fact was announced that school for " young gentlemen from three to eight,"
a leg of mutton had been stolen from the larder. will recognize the fidelity of the feelings I havWho could be the thief?  Why, of course, nobody  described.
but Bonaparte. Miss Frounce, wishing to enhance    I never ate the lollipop which went by the name
the intimidating reputation of her great bugbear, of his ribs, without being awed by a sort of unacfavored the idea, and the whole of the "young  countable fear that Bonaparte might yet break from
gentlemen from three to eight" were under the firm  his captivity, and pay me off personally for the inimpression that Bonaparte had landed in England  dignity offered him in purchasing a hap'orth of his
during the night, secured the leg of mutton, and  anatomy, and sucking it, like Tom Trot or Everton
retreated before daylight into the bosom  of his Toffee.
own army.
SELECTIONS FROM  "THE COMIC BLACKSTONE."
BY GILBERT A. A'BECKETT.
OF FELONIES INJURIOUS TO THE KING'S    act of William the 4th; and thanks to this meaPREROGATITVE.                   sure, followed by that of the 1st of Victoria, the
THE periodical lexicographers have puzzled them- law now lies in a nutshell. We however always
selves and each other as well as us, about the  observe, that though the law does lie in a nutshell,
derivation of the word felony. As they all make  it requires a good deal of jaw, and a long crack
different suggestions, we decline adopting any, and  over it, before it is comeatable.
throw out on our own account the notion that felon    By the new Act it is an offence to manufacture
is a corruption of fee-long, because a long fee is coin, but there is no harm in making money; and
necessary to get up a defence for felony. This defi- it is also criminal to utter a white-washed halfpenny
nition is, doubtless, far fetched, but not so far for a halfcrown, which would be a very desperate
fetched as that of some of the legal antiquarians, trick, for the uttering would probably turn out an
who have travelled into Greece to get the word  utter failure. Having false money in your possesp7Ahos, an impostor, as the origin of the word allud- sion, with intent to utter, it is likewise a misdemeaed to. Our own suggestion we consider the best, nor; but it is a minor offence for a singer to have
because felony is on all hands allowed to be a crime a false note in his chest, and to utter it before an
involving a loss of property: and the fee-long or audience.
long fee certainly implies an enormous sacrifice of    2d. Felonies against the king's council, which forassets. The felonies against the king's prerogatives merly included assaulting a privy councillor by a
are six, which we shall briefly specify.        blow or even a kick; but these kicks are now on
1st. Offences relating to the coin, which were the footing of common assaults, and attempts to
formerly so severely dealt with that it was almost kill are felonies without any distinction as to the
death to be found with a bad halfpenny in one's rank, except in the case of royalty, of the intended
pocket, and to utter a suspicious sixpence was re- victim.
garded as a piece of unutterable villany. All pre-   3d. Serving foreign states was formerly a felony,
vious statutes have however been repealed by the  except, says Coke, "serving them  out, which was




SELECTIONS FROM  " THE COMIC BLACKSTONE."  947
always allowable."  The statutes on this subject are fact are in most cases punished in the same way as
now repealed, and any one may now enlist in the  principals, and it is very clear that in the case of
Kamtschatkan Grays, the Sandwich Island Buffs, or the crown on the prosecution of Banquo against JMacany other outlandish regiment, if he first provides  beth and wife, the latter, though only an acceshimself with a royal license.                   sory before the fact, deserved as severe a punish4th. Felony by embezzling the sovereign's stores, ment as her husband. In the case of Friar Lawor rather his warlike stores; for if I go to his store  rence re Romeo on the demise of Paris, the friar was
closet, and steal a lump of his sugar, it is not felony  only an accessory after the fact, and therefore in
under the statute. To set on fire any of the royal harboring and assisting Romeo he would, by the
dock-yards or ships is a crime still punishable with  present law, have only rendered himself liable to
death; and it is also arson to burn an arsenal.    two years' imprisonment.
5th. Desertion in time of war, by sea or land, is
a felony, and in peace it is a grave offence; so that   A PEBT is a sum of money due; but, as we are
the sentinels in the park must not desert their posts not anxious to go very deeply into debt, we shall
to run after refractory boys who may irritate the  not attempt a minute description of what every one
military to any extent, by keeping just beyond the  must be more or less acquainted with. An action
verge of the promenade to which the soldiery are  of debt can only be brought for a specified sum;
limited. Endeavoring to seduce him from his alle- and if I claim 301. I must not prove a debt of 201.,
giance is punishable with transportation or impris- any more than I could recover an ox by an action
onment, and holding a pot of beer up as a temptation  of detinue if I claimed a horse; though it is certo draw him off his beat, is probably within the  tain that I might recover a pair of ducks if I claimstatute.                                        ed a pair of white trowsers.
6th. Administering oaths for a seditious purpose
is felony punishable with transportation; but ad-   A COVENANT is an obligation contained in a deed,
ministering oaths indiscriminately when in a state  to do or omit a certain act; as, if a man covenants,
of intoxication, to any one who happens to pass by, to go to Bath, he must either go to Bath, or be liais only punishable with a fine of five shillings.  ble to a writ of covenant, which will plunge him into
hot water. A promise is a sort of verbal covenant;
OF PRINCIPALS AND ACCESSORIES.            as, if a builder undertakes to build Caius a pigsty
CRIMINALS are either principals or accessories; as, by a certain day, and the pigs of Caius catch cold
in a dramatic murder, the principal is he who enacts and die, because the sty is not completed, then the
Macbeth, while the accessories are they who give law not only takes the sty into its eye, but the pigs
him his cues, and otherwise aid or: abet him. It also, and will give damage to Caius for the injury
is even doubtful whether the barber who dresses he has sustained by the neglect of the builder.
his wig is not an accessory before the fact, while the  OF OFFENCES AGAINST PUBLIC TRADE.
critic who praises his performance is clearly an accessory ifter it.                                  SMUGGLING is an offence against public trade;
In some offences there are no accessories, but all but it is so frequently practised by the fair sex, that
are principals; and in the sort of murder we have  it has been held to be a fair proceeding if it can be
just alluded to, all would no doubt wish to be. In  managed without detection.
high treason all are principals, because the offence    Another offence of this class is fraudulent bankis so great; and in trespass all are principals, be- ruptcy, like that of Antonio, the Venetian bankrupt,
cause de minimis non curat lex, or in other words, who having made an alarming failure and a terrific
because the offence is so little. Very small crimi- sacrifice of his friend, was compelled to take the
nals are pounced upon all in a lump, and the law  benefit of the (fifth) act of the Merchant of Venice.
crushes them beneath its foot as an elephant would  Usury was formerly highly penal; but it may now
an ant-hill. De minimis non curat legs would be in  be practised almost without restriction; for the
each case appropriate. An accessory before the  law says, to protect yourself against usury, you
fact is one who causes the commission of a crime, must use —your —eye —and keep a good look-out after
and though he has suggested one crime, he may be your own interest. Cheating is an offence against
accessory to another; as, if A orders B to shoot trade, which is very commonly practised; "for it
Titius, and B, instead of shooting Titius, gives him  is wonderful," says Roger Bacon, " how much lightsome British brandy, of which Titius dies, then A  er a pound of sugar becomes in your own scales;"
is accessory to the poisoning, and may be punished  and, indeed, the ingenuity of the tradesman is
-like all accessories before the fact-in the same  chiefly shown in attaching an undue weight to tri*manner as the principal. Accessories after the fact fles.
are such as relieve or harbor a felon, knowing him    Forestalling the market is an offence at common
to have committed a felony; or buy stolen goods, law; as if I were to waylay a cart full of turnips
knowing them to be stolen.  The purchaser of going towards Covent Garden and purchase them
modern music is an accessory after the fact to a all, I should probably send turnips up to a frightful
theft on the part of the composer, who has stolen  premium, by forestalling the market.       -
the ideas of others. By the French law, receivers   These are all the offences against trade which the
of stolen goods were punished with death, a law  law at present punishes; though perhaps the most
which, if put in force in this country, would have serious offence against trade is the very ordinary
decimated Field Lane, and utterly depopulated the  one of getting into a tradesman's books without
greater part of the Minories. Accessories before the  the smallest intention of paying him.
Rusticus wrote a letter to his love,            He hoped to raise a flame, and so he did,
And filled it full of warm and keen desire;     The lady put his nonsense in the fire.




948                               MY CHRISTMAS DINNER.
MY CHRISTMAS DINNER.
ANONYMOUS.,-~''6'~       X       ____,
IT was on the twentieth of December last that I waistcoated clerks, let loose upon a turkey. The
received an invitation from my friend, Mr. Phiggins, second was, that I am not sufficiently well read in
to dine with him in Mark Lane, on Christmay day. cotton and sugar, to enter with any spirit into the
I had several reasons for declining this proposition. subject of conversation. And the third was, and
The first was that Mr. P. makes it a rule, at all is, that I never drink Cape wine. But by far the
these festivals, to empty the entire contents of his most prevailing reason remains to be told. I had
counting house into his little dining parlor; and you been anticipating for some days, and was hourly
consequently sit down to dinner with six white- in the hope of receiving, an invitation to spend my




MY CHRISTMAS DINNER.                                    949
Christmas day in a most irresistible quarter. I was the leaf of a lily with a pen dipped in dew. I
expecting, indeed, the felicity of eating plum-pud- opened it-and had nearly fainted with disappointding with an angel; and, on the strength of my  ment. It was from a stock-broker, who begins an
imaginary engagement, I returned a polite note to  anecdote of Mr. Rothschild before dinner, and
Mr. P., reducing him to the necessity of advertis- finishes it with the fourth bottle-and who makes
ing for another candidate for Cape and turkey.  his eight children stay up to supper and snap-draThe twenty-first came. Another invitation-to  gon. In Macadamizing a stray stone in one of his
dine with a regiment of roast-beef eaters at Clap- periodical puddings, I once lost a tooth, and with
ham. I declined this also, for the above reason, it an heiress of some reputation. I wrote a most
and for one other, viz., that, on dining there ten  irritable apology, and despatched my warmest reChristmas days ago, it was discovered, on sitting  gards in a whirlwind.
down, that one little accompaniment of the roast   December the twenty-fourth-I began to count
beef had been entirely overlooked. Would it be  the hours, and uttered many poetical things about
believed!-but I will not stay to mystify-I merely  the wings of Time. Alack! no letter came;-yes,
mention the fact. They had forgotten the horse- I received a note from a distinguished dramatist,
radish.                                         requesting the honor, etc. But I was too cunning
The next day arrived, and with it a neat epistle, for this, and practised wisdom for once. I happened
sealed with violet-colored wax, from Upper Brook  to reflect that his pantomime was to make its apStreet. "Dine with the ladies-at home on Christ- pearance on the night after, and that his object was
mas day." Very tempting, it is true; but not ex- to perpetrate the whole programme upon me. Reactly the letter I was longing for. I began, how- gret that I could not have the pleasure of meeting
ever, to debate within myself upon the policy of  Mr. Paulo, and the rest of the literati to be then
securing this bird in hand, instead of waiting for and there assembled, was of course immediately
the two that were still hopping about the bush, expressed.
when the consultation was suddenly brought to a    My mind became restless and agitated. I felt,
close, by a prophetic view of the portfolio of draw- amidst all these invitations, cruelly neglected. They
ings fresh from boarding-school-moths and roses served, indeed, but to increase my uneasiness, as
on embossed paper;-to say nothing of the album, they opened prospects of happiness in which I
in which I stood engaged to write an elegy on a could take no share.  They discovered a most
Java sparrow, that had been a favorite in the fam- tempting dessert, composed of forbidden fruit. I
ily for three days. I rung for gilt-edged, pleaded  took down "Childe Harold," and read myself into
a world of polite regret, and again declined.   a sublime contempt of mankind. I began to perThe twenty-third dawned; time was getting on  ceive that merriment is only malice in disguise, and
rather rapidly; but no card came. I began to de- that the chief cardinal virtue is misanthropy.
spair of any more invitations, and to repent of my    I sat "nursing my wrath," till it scorched me;
refusals.  Breakfast was hardly over, however, when the arrival of another epistle suddenly charmed
when the servant brought up-not a letter —but an  me from this state of delicious melancholy and deaunt and a brace of cousins from Bayswater. They  lightful endurance of wrong. I sickened as I surwould listen to no excuse; consanguinity required  veyed, and trembled as I opened it. It was dated
me, and Christmas was not my own.  Now my    ~, but no matter; it was not the letter. In such
cousins kept no albums; they are really as pretty  a frenzy as mine, raging to behold the object of
as cousins can be; and when violent hands, with  my admiration condescend, not to eat a custard,
white kid gloves, are laid on one, it is sometimes but to render it invisible-to be invited perhaps to
difficult to effect an escape with becoming elegance. a tart fabricated by her own ethereal fingers; with
I could not, however, give up my darling hope of  such possibilities before me, how could I think of
a pleasanter prospect.  They fought with me in joining a " friendly party,"-where I should inevififty engagements-that I pretended to have made. tably sit next to a deaf lady, who had been, when
I showed them the Court Guide, with ten names a little girl, patted on the head by Wilkes, or my
obliterated-being those of persons who had not Lord North, she could not recollect which-had
asked me to mince-meat and mistletoe; and I ulti- taken tea with the author of "Junius," but had
mately gained my cause by quartering the remains forgotten his name -and who once asked me
of an infectious fever on the sensitive fears of my  "whether Mr. Munden's monument was in Westaunt, and by dividing a rheumatism and a sprained  minster Abbey or St. Paul's?"-I seized a pen, and
ankle between my sympathetic cousins.          presented my compliments. I hesitated-for the
As soon as they were gone, I walked out, saun- peril and precariousness of my situation flashed on
tering involuntarily in the direction of the only  my mind; but hope had still left me a straw to
house in which I felt I could spend a " happy" catch at, and I at length succeeded in resisting this
Christmas. As I approached, a porter brought a late and terrible temptation.
large hamper to the door. "A present from the    After the first burst of excitement, I sunk into
country," thought I; "yes, they do dine at home; still deeper despondency.  My spirit became a
they must ask me; they know that I am in town." prey to anxiety and remorse. I could not eat; dinImmediately afterwards, a servant issued with a ner was removed with unlifted covers. I went out.
letter: he took the nearest way to my lodgings, The world seemed to have acquired a new face;,
and I hurried back by another street to receive the  nothing was to be seen but raisins and rounds of
so-much-wished-for invitation. I was in a state of beef. I wandered about like Lear-I had given up.
delirious delight.                              all! I felt myself grated against the world like a
I arrived-but there was no letter. I sat down  nutmeg. It grew dark- I sustained a still gloomto wait, in a spirit of calmer enjoyment than I had  ier shock. Every chance seemed to have expired,
experienced for some days; and in less than half and every-body seemed to have a delightful engagean hour a note was brought to me. At length, the  ment for the next day. I alone was disengaged —
desired despatch had come: it seemed written on  I felt like the Last Man! To-morrow appeared to,
61




950                              MY CHRISTMAS DINNER.
have already commenced its career; mankind had  terday but a straw-to-day it is but the thistleanticipated the future; "and coming mince pies down; but I will cling to it to the last moment.
cast their shadows before."                    There are still four hours left; they will not dine
In this state of desolation and dismay, I called-  till six. One desperate struggle, and the peril is
I could not help it- at the house to which I had  past; let me not be seduced by this last golden apso fondly anticipated an invitation, and a welcome. ple, and I may yet win my race."  The struggles
My protest must here however be recorded, that was made-" I should not dine at home." This was
though I called in the hope of being asked, it was the only phrase left me; for I could not say that
my fixed determination not to avail myself of so  "I should dine out."  Alas! that an event should
protracted a piece of politeness. No: my triumph  be at the same time so doubtful and so desirable.
would have been to have annihilated them with an  I only begged that if any letter arrived, it might be
engagement made in September, payable three  brought to me immediately.
months after date. With these feelings, I gave an    The last plank, the last splinter, had now given
agitated knock-they were stoning the plums, and  way beneath me. I was floating about with no
did not immediately attend. I rung-how  unlike hope but the chance of something almost impossia dinner bell it sounded! A girl at length made ble. They had "left me alone," not with my glory,
her appearance, and, with a mouthful of citron, in- but with an appetite that resembled an avalanche
formed me that the family had gone to spend their seeking whom it'might devour. I had passed one
Christmas-eve in Portland Place. I rushed down  dinnerless day, and half of another; yet the promthe steps, I hardly knew whither. My first impulse ised land was as far from sight as ever. I recountwas to go to some wharf and inquire what vessels ed the chances I had missed. The dinners I might
were starting for America. But it was a cold night have enjoyed, passed in a dioramic view before my
-I went home and threw myself on my miserable  eyes. Mr. Phiggins and his six clerks-the Clapcouch. In other words, I went to bed.          ham beef-eaters-the charms of Upper Brook street
I dozed and dreamed away the hours till day- -my pretty cousins, and the pantomime writerbreak.  Sometimes I fancied myself seated in a the stock-broker, w4hose stories ore forgets, and the
roaring circle, roasting chestnuts at a blazing log: elderly lady who forgets her stories —they all
at others, that I had fallen into the Serpentine while marched by me, a procession of apparitions. Even
skating, and that the Humane Society were piling  my landlady's invitation, though unborn, was not forupon me a Pelion, or rather a Vesuvius of blankets. gotten in summing up my sacrifices. And for what?
I awoke a little refreshed. Alas! it was the twenty-   Four o'clock. Hope was perfectly ridiculous. I
fifth of the month —It was Christmas day!  Let had been walking upon the hair-bridge over a gulf,
the reader, if he possess the imagination of Milton, and could not get into Elysium after all. I had
conceive my sensations.                         been catching moonbeams, and running after notes
I swallowed an atom of dry toast-nothing could  of music. Despair was my only convenient refuge;
calm the fever of my soul. I stirred the fire and  no chance remained, unless something should drop
read Zimmermann alternately. Even reason-the  from the clouds. In this last particular I was not
last remedy one has recourse to in such cases-  disappointed; for, on looking up, I perceived a
came at length to my relief: I argued myself into  heavy shower of snow. Yet I was obliged to vena philosophic fit. But, unluckily, just as the Lethean  ture forth; for being supposed to dine out, I could
tide within me was at its height, my landlady broke  not of course remain at home. Where to go I knew
in upon my lethargy, and chased away by a single not: I was like my first father-" the world was all
word all the little sprites and pleasures that were before me."  I flung my cloak round me, and huracting as my physicians, and prescribing balm for ried forth with the feelings of a bandit longing for
my wounds. She paid me the usual compliment, a stiletto. At the foot of the stairs, I staggered
and then-" Do you dine at home to-day, sir?" ab- against two or three smiling rascals, priding themruptly inquired she. Here was a question. No Span- selves upon their punctuality. They had just arrived
ish inquisitor ever inflicted such complete dismay  -to make the tour of Turkey. How I hated them!
in so short a sentence. Had she given me a Sphynx  -As I rushed by the parlor, a single glance disto expound, a Gordian tangle to untwist; had she closed to me a blazing fire, with Lucy and several
set me a lesson in algebra, or asked me the way to  lovely creatures in a semi-circle. Fancy, too, gave
Brobdignag; had she desired me to show her the  me a glimpse of a sprig of mistletoe-I vanished
North Pole, or the meaning of a melodrama:-  from the house, like a spectre at day-break.
any or all of these I might have accomplished.   How long I wandered about is doubtful.  At
But to request me to define my dinner-to inquire  last I happened to look through a kitchen window,
into its latitude-to compel me to fathom that sea with an area in front, and saw a villain with a fork
of appetite which I now felt rushing through my  in his hand, throwing himself back in his chair
frame-to ask me to dive into futurity, and become  choked with ecstasy. Another was feasting with a
the prophet of pies and preserves!-My heart died  graver air; he seemed to be swallowing a bit of Parwithin me at the impossibility of a reply.     adise, and criticising its flavor. This was too much
She had repeated the question before I could col- for mortality-my appetite fastened upon me like
lect my senses around me. Then, for the first time  an alligator. I darted from the spot; and only a
it occurred to me that, in the event of my having  few yards further discerned a house, with rather an
no engagement abroad, my landlady meant to invite  elegant exterior, and with some ham in the window
me! "There will at least be the two daughters," that looked perfectly sublime. There was no time
I whispered to myself; " and after all, Lucy Mat- for consideration-to hesitate was to perish. I enthews is a charming girl, and touches the harp di- tered; it was indeed " a banquet-hall deserted."
vinely.  She has a very small, pretty hand, I The very waiters had gone home to their friends.
recollect; only her fingers are so punctured by the  There, however, I found a fire; and there-to sum
needle-and I rather think she bites her nails. No, up all my folly and felicity in a single word-I
I will not even now give up my hope. It was yes- DINED.




THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF SAM  SLICK, OF SLICKVILLE.                           953
an everlastin' hurry, drivin' away like one ravin' you, and I wish, with all my heart, all the world
distracted mad?''A sick visit,' says he;'poor thought with us.'
Pat Lanigan, him that you mind to Bradore Lake;    "I guess he didn't half like that are word, Popish
well, he's near about at the pint of death.''I guess priest, it seemed to grig him, like; his face looked
not' said I,'for I jist hear tell he was dead.' Well, kinder ryled, like well-water arter a heavy rain;
that brought him up all standin', and he bouts ship  and said he,' Mr. Slick,' says he,'your country is
in a jiffy, and walks a little way with me, and we  a free country, ain't it?'' The freest,' says I,' on
the face of the airth-you can't ditto it nowhere.
We are as free as the air, and when our dander's
_, r-         up, stronger than any hurricane you ever see'dtear up all creation most; there ain't the beat of it
to be found anywhere.''Do you call this a free'I       i       f| country?' said he.'Pretty considerable middlin','
says I,'~seein' that they are under a king.''Well,'
says he,'if you were seen in Connecticut shaking!ti[.'~ S  hands along with a Popish priest, as you are pleased
to call me (and he made me a bow, as much as to say,
in the streets of Halifax along with me, with all
l _i \  A| _         your crackin' and boastin' of your freedom, I guess
you wouldn't sell a clock agin in that State for one
while,'-and he bid me good mornin', and turned
away.'Father John,' says I.-' I can't stop,' says
he;' I must see that poor critter's family; they
must be in great trouble, and sick visit is afore
controversy in my creed.''Well,' says I,'one
word with you afore you go; if that are name
Popish priest was an ongenteel one, I ax your parI don; I didn't mean no offence, I do assure you, and
I'll say this for your satisfaction, tu; you're the
first man in this Province that ever gave me a real
right down complete checkmate since I first sot
foot in it, I'll be skinned if you ain't.'"
ITALIAN  PAINTINGS.'IN the latter eend of the year twenty-eight, I
think it was, if my memory sarves me, I was in my
little back studio to Slickville, with off coat, apron
got a talkin' about this very subject.  Says he, on, and sleeves up, as busy as a bee, abronzin' and' What are you, Mr. Slick?' Well, I looks up to  gildin' of a clock case, when old Snow, the niggerhim, and winks,'a Clockmaker,' says I; well, he  help, popped in his head in a most terrible of a
smiled, and says he,'I see,' as much as to say I conflustrigation, and says he,'master,' says he,'if
hadn't ought to have axed that are question at all, there ain't massa Governor and the Gineral at the
I guess, for every man's religion is his own, and  door, as I'm  alive! what on airth shall I say?'
nobody else's business.'Then,' says he,'you'Well,' says I,'they have caught me at a nonplush,
know all about this country-who does folks say has that's sartain; but there's no help for it, as I seethe best of the dispute?' Says I,'Father John,' shew'em in.''Mornin',' says I,'gentlemen, how'it's like the battles up to Canada lines last war, do you do?  I am sorry,' says I,'I didn't know of
each side claims victory; I guess there ain't much  this pleasure in time to have received you respectto brag on nary way, damage done on both sides, fully.  You have taken me at a short, that's a fact;
and nothin' gained, as far as I can learn.' He stopt and the worst of it is,-I can't shake hands along
short and looked me in the face, and says he,'Mr. with you neither, for one hand, you see, is covered
Slick, you are a man that has see'd a good deal of with ile, and t'other with copper bronze..''Don't
the world, and a considerable of an understandin'. mention it, Mr. Slick,' said his excellency,'I beg
man, and I guess I can talk to you. Now,' says he, of you;-the fine arts do sometimes require deter-'for gracious sake, do jist look here, and see how  gants, and there is no help for it. But that's a
you heretics (Protestants I mean,' says he,-for I most a beautiful thing,' said he,'you are adoin' of;
guess that are word slipt out without leave), are  may I presume to chatichise what it is!''Why,'
by the ears, a drivin' away at each other, the whole  said I,' governor, that landscape on the right, with
blessed time, tooth and nail, hip and thigh, hammer the great white two-story house in it, havin' a washand tongs, disputin', revilin', wranglin', and be- in' tub of apple sarce on one side, and a cart chock
loutin' each other, with all sorts of ugly names that full of punkin' pies on t'other, with the gold letters
they can lay their tongues to. Is that the way you  A. P. over it, is intended to represent this land of
love your neighbor as yourself?  We say this is a  promise, our great country, Amerika; and the gold
practical comment on schism, and by the powers of  letters A. P. initialise it Airthly Paradise.''Well,'
Moll Kelly, said he, but they all ought to be well says he,' who is that he one on the left?'-' I didn't
lambasted together, the whole batch on'em entire- intend them letters H and E to indicate he at all,'
ly.' Says I,'Father John, give me your hand; said I,'tho' I see now they do; I guess I must
there are some things I guess you and I don't agree  alter that.  That tall graceful figur',' says I,' with
on, and most likely never will, seein that you are a  wings, carryin' a long Bowie knife in his right
Popish priest; but in that idee I do opinionate with  hand, and them  small winged figures in the rear,




954           THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF SAM  SLICK, OF SLICKVILLE.
with little rifles, are angels emigratin' from heaven  governor and his factory galls, I had an artist to
to this country.  H and E means Heavenly Emi- paint trowsers, and a pair of laced boots on him,
grants. Its alle-go-ry.'' And a beautiful alle-go-ry  and they look quite genteel now. It improved'em
it is,' said he,' and well calculated to give foreign-  amazin'ly; but the best o' the joke was those Macers a correct notion of our young growin' and great aroni rascals, seein' me a stranger, thought to do
Republic. It is a fine conception that. It is wor- me nicely (most infarnal cheats them dealers, too,thy of West. How true to life-how much it con- walk right into you afore you know where you be).
veys-how many chords it strikes.  It addresses The older a pictur' was, and the more it was
the heart-it's splendid.'                        blacked, so you couldn't see the figur's, the more
"' Hallo!' says I to myself,'what's all this?' It they axed for it; and they talk and jabber away
made me look up at him. Thinks I to myself, you  about their Tittyan tints and Guido airs by the
laid that soft sawder on pretty thick anyhow. I hour.'How soft we are, ain't we?' said I.' Catch a
wonder whether you are in real right'down airnest, weasel asleep, will you? Second-hand furniture don't
or whether you are only arter a vote. Says he, suit our market. We want pictur's, and not things' Mr. Slick, it was on the subject of pictur's, we that look a plaguy sight more like the shutters of an
called. It's a thing I'm enthusiastic upon myself; old smoke-house than paintin's, and I hope I may
but my official duties leave me no time to fraternize  be shot if I didn't get bran new ones for half the
with the brush. I've been actilly six weeks adoin' price they asked for them rusty old veterans. Our
of a bunch of grapes on a chair, and it's not yet folks were well pleased with the shipment, and I
done.  The department of paintin' in our Athe- ought to be too, for I made a trifle in the discount
neum, —in this risin' and flourishin' town of Slick- of fifteen per cent. for coming down handsom' with
ville-is placed under the direction of the general the cash on the spot.  Our Atheneum  is worth
and myself, and we propose detailing you to Italy  seein' I tell you; you won't ditto it easy, I know;
to purchase some originals for our gallery, seein' it's actilly a sight to behold."
that you are a native artist yourself, and have more
practical experience than most of our citizens.            SISTER SALL'S COURTSHIP.
There is a great aspiration among our free and en-   "THERE goes one of them are everlastin' rottin'
lightened youth for perfection, whether in the arts poles, in that bridge; they are no better than a
or sciences. Your expenses will be paid, and eight trap for a critter's leg," said the Clockmaker.
dollars a day while absent on this diplomacy. One  "They remind me of a trap Jim Munroe put his
thing, however, do pray remember,-don't bring  foot in one night, that near about made one leg
any pictur's that will evoke a blush on female half a yard longer than tother. I believe I told
cheeks, or cause vartue to stand afore'em with  you of him, what a desperate idle feller he wasaverted eyes or indignant looks. The statues im- he came from Onion County in Connecticut. Well,
ported last year we had to clothe, both male and  he was courtin' Sister Sall-she was a real handsum
female, from head to foot, for they actilly came  looking gal; you scarce ever see'd a more out and
start naked, and were right down ondecent. One out complete critter than she was-a fine figur'
of my factory ladies went into fits on seein''em, head, and a beautiful model of a craft as any in the
that lasted her a good hour: she took Jupiter for state; a real clipper, and as full of fun and frolic
a rael human, and said she thought she had got as a kitten. Well, he fairly turned Sall's head; the
into a bathin' room, among the men by mis- more we wanted her to give him up, the more she
take.  Her narves received a heavy shock, poor wouldn't, and we got plaguy oneasy about it, for
critter; she said she never would forget what his character was none of the best.  He was a
she see'd there the longest day she lived. So none  universal favorite with the gals, and tho' he didn't
o' your Potiphar's wives, or Susannabs, or sleepin' behave very pretty neither, forgettin' to marry
Venuses; such pictur's are repugnant to the high  where he promised, and where he hadn't ought to
tone o' moral feelin' in this country.'         have forgot, too, yet so it was, he had such an un"Conceivin' an elective governor of a free and  common winnin' way with him, he could talk them
enlightened people to rank before an hereditary  over in no time-Sall was fairly bewitched.
prince, I have given you letters of introduction to    "At last, father said to him one evening when
the Eyetalian princes and the Pope, and have of- he came a courtin','Jim,' says he,'you'll never
fered to reciprocate their attention should they  come to no good, if you act like old Scratch as you
visit Slickville. Farewell, my friend, farewell, and  do; you ain't fit to come into no decent man's
not fail- to sustain the dignity of this great and en- house, at all; and your absence would be ten times
lightened nation abroad-farewell!'              more agreeable than your company, I tell you. I
"A very good man, the governor, and a genu- won't consent to Sall's.goin' to them are huskin'
wine patriot too," said Mr. Slick. "He knowed a parties and quiltin' frolics along with you no more,
good deal about paintin', for he was a sign painter on no account, for you know how Polly Brown and
by trade; but he often used to wade out too deep, Nancy White —?' iNow don't,' says he,'now
and got over his head now and then afore he  don't, Uncle Sam; say no more about that; if you
knowed it. He warn't the best o' swimmers neither, know'd all you wouldn't say it was my fault; and
and sometimes I used to be scared to death for besides, I have turned right about, I am on t'other
fear he'd go it afore he'd touch bottom ag'in. Well, tack now, and the long leg, too; I am as steady as
off I sot in a vessel to Leghorn, and I laidout there  a pump bolt, now. I intend to settle myself, and
three thousand dollars in pictur's.  Rum-lookin' take a farm.''Yes, yes, and you could stock it,
old cocks, them saints, some on'em too, with their too, by all accounts, pretty well, unless you are
long beards, bald heads, and hard featur's, bean't much misreported,' says father,'but it won't
they? but I got a lot of'em of all sizes. I bought do. I knew your father; he was our sargeant; a
two madonnas I think they call them-beautiful proper, clever and brave man he was, too; he was
little pictur's they were, too —but the child's legs one of the heroes of our glorious revolution. I had
were so naked and ondecent, that to please the  a great respect for him, and I am sorry for his




THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF SAM  SLICK, OF SLICKVILLE.                         955
sake, you will act as you do; but I tell you once'Sally, hold this here hank of twine for a minute,
for all, you must give up all thoughts of Sall, now  till I wind a trifle on it off; that's a dear critter.'
and for everlastin'. When Sall heard this, she be- She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on
gan to nit away like mad, in a desperate hurry-  her hands, and then I begins to wind and wind
she looked foolish enough, that's a fact. First she  away ever so slow, and drops the ball every now
tried to bite in her breath, and look as if there was and then, so as to keep her down stairs.'Sam,'
nothin' particular in the wind, then she blushed all says she,'I do believe you won't wind that are
over like scarlet fever, but she recovered that twine off all night; do give it to January, I won't
pretty soon, and then her color went and came, stay no longer, I'm een a most dead asleep.''The
and came and went, till at last she grew as white  old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady,' says I,'it
as chalk, and down she fell slap off her seat on the  won't do; but hark, what's that? I'm sure I heerd
floor, in a faintin' fit.'I see,' says father,' I see  something in the ash saplin', didn't you, Sall?'' I
it now, you etarnal villain,' and he made a pull at heerd the geese there, that's all,' says she;'they
the old fashioned sword, that always hung over the  always come under the windows at night,' but she
fire-place (we used to call it old Bunker, for his looked scared enough, and says she,' I vow I'm
stories always begun,'when I was at Bunker's tired a holdin' out my arms this way, and I won't
Hill'), and drawin' it out, he made a clip at him as do it no longer;' and down she throw'd the hank
wicked as if he was stabbing a rat with a hay fork, on the floor.'Well,' says I,'stop one minute,
but Jim, he outs of the door like a shot, and draws dear, till I send old January out to see if any body
it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker right is there; perhaps some o' neighbor Dearborne's
through the panel.'I'll chop you up as fine as cattle-have broke into the sarce garden.' January
mince-meat, you villain,' said he,' if ever I catch  went out, tho' Sall say'd it was no use, for she knew
you inside my door agin. Mind what I tell you, the noise of the geese: they always kept close to
you'll swing for it yet.'  Well, he ihade himself the house at night, for fear of the varmin. Presconsiderable scarce arter that; he never sot foot ently in runs Snow, with his hair standin' up on
inside the door agin, and I thought he had ginn up  eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin' as the rims
all hopes of Sall, and she of him; when, one night, of a soup plate;'Oh! Gor Ormity,' said he,' oh
a most particular uncommon dark night, as I was a massa, oh Miss Sally, oh!''What on airth is the
comin' home from neighbor Dearborne's, I heerd  matter with you?' said Sally,'how you do frighten
some one a talkin' under Sail's window.  Well, I me!  I vow I believe you're mad-' oh my Gor,'
stops and listens, and who should be near the ash  said he,' oh! massa, Jim Munroe he hang himself
saplin' but Jim Munroe, a tryin' to persuade Sall to  on the ash saplin' under Miss Sally's window-oh
run off with him to Rhode Island to be married. my Gor!!!' That shot was a settler, it struck poor
It was all settled, he should come with a horse and  Sall right atwixt wind and water; she gave a lurch
shay to the gate, and then help her out of the  ahead, and then heeled over and sunk right down
window, jist at nine o'clock, about the time she in another faintin' fit; and Juno, old Snow's
commonly went to bed. Then he axes her to reach  wife, carried her off, and laid her down on the
down her hand for him to kiss (for he was proper bed-poor thing, she felt ugly enough, I do supclever at soft sawder), and she stretches it down, pose.
and he kisses it; and says he,'I believe I must   "Well, father, I thought he'd a fainted too; he
have the whole of you out, arter all,' and gives her was so struck up all of a heap, he was completely
ajirk that kinder startled her; it came so sudden  bung-fungered;'dear, dear,' said he,'I didn't
like, it made her scream; so off he sot, hot foot, think it would come to pass so soon, but I knew it
and over the gate in no time.                   would come.'I foretold it,' says he,'the last
" Well, I cyphered over this all night, a calculatin' time I see'd him;' Jim,' says I,'mind what I say,
how I should reciprocate that trick with him, and  you'll swingfor it yet.' Give me the sword I wore
at last I hit on a scheme. I recollected father's when I was at Bunker's Hill,'may be there's life
swords at partin','mind what I tell you, you'll swing  yet, I'll cut him dowvn.'  The lantern was soon
for it yet;' and, thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that made ready, and out we went to the ash saplin'.
prophecy come true, yet, I guess. So the next'Cut me down, Sam, that's a good fellow,' said Jim,
night, jist at dark, I give'ds January Snow, the old  all the blood in my body has swashed into my head,
nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and as soon as he and's a runnin' out o' my nose; I'm een a most
looks up, I winks and walks out, and he arter me- smothered-be quick, for heaven's sake.''The
says I,'January, can you keep your tongue within  Lord be praised,' said father,'the poor sinner is
your teeth, you old nigger, you?''Why massa, not quite dead yet. Why, as I'm alive-well if
why you ax that are question? my Gor Ormity, that don't beat all natur', why he has hanged himyou tink old Snow he don't know that are yet; my  self by one leg, and's a swingin' like a rabbit upside
tongue he got plenty room now, debil a tooth left, down, that's a fact. Why, if he ain't snared, Sam;
he can. stretch out ever so far; like a little leg in a he is properly wired, I declare-I vow this is some
bed, he lay quiet: enough, massa, never fear.''Well, o' your doin's, Sam-well it was a clever scheme,
then,' says I,' bend down that are ash saplin' softly, too, but a little grain too dangerous, I guess.'' Don't
you old Snowball, and make no noise.' The saplin' stand starin' and jawin' there all night,' said Jim,
was no sooner bent than secured to the ground by'cut me down, I tell you-or cut my throat, and be
a notched peg and a noose, and a slip knot was sus- d-d to you, for I'm chokin' with blood.'' Roll
pended from the tree, jist over the track that led  over that are hogshead, old Snow,' said I,'till I
from the pathway to the. house.'Why, my Gor, get a top on it and cut him down;' so I soon released
massa, that's a.''Hold your mug, you old him, but he couldn't walk a bit. His ankle was
nigger,' says I,'or I'll send your tongue a sarchin' swelled and sprained like vengeance, and he swore
arter your teeth; keep quiet, and follow me in pres- one leg was near about six inches longer than
ently.'                                         tother.'Jim  Munroe,' says father,'little did I
"Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock, says I, think I should ever see you inside my door agin,




956                       SLICKISMS; OR, YANKEE PHILOSOPHY.
J im
but I bid you enter now; we owe you that kindness, agoin' man as Minister Joshua Hopewell, and was
anyhow.'                                        married to our Sail. Nothin' was ever said about
"Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so the snare till arter the weddin'. When the minchap-fallen and so down in the mouth, he begged for ister had finished axin' a blessin', father goes up to
heaven's sake it might be kept a secret; he said he Jim, and says he,'Jim  Munroe, my boy,' givin'
would run the state, if ever it got wind, he was him a rousin' slap on the shoulder that sot him a
sure he couldn't stand it.'It will be one while, I coughin' for the matter of five minutes (for he was
guess,' said father,'afore you are able to run or a mortal powerful man, was father),' Jim Munroe,
stand either; but if you will give me your hand, my boy,' says he,'you've got the snare round your
Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways, I will neck, I guess, now, instead of your leg; the saplin'
not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome has been a father to you, may you be father of
guest, at old Sam Slick's once more, for the sake many saplin's.'
of your father-he was a brave man, one of the    "We had a most special time of it, you may deheroes of Bunker's Hill, he was our sarjeant and  pend, all except the minister; father got him into.''He promises,' says I,' father (for the old a corner, and gave him chapter and verse for the
man had stuck his right foot out, the way he al- whole war. Every now and then as I came near
ways stood when he told about the old war; and  them, I heard Bunker's Hill, Brandywine, Clinton,
as Jim couldn't stir a peg, it was a grand chance, Gates, and so on. It was broad day when we
and he was agoin' to give him the whole revolution, parted, and the last that went was poor minister.
from General Gage up to Independence,) he prom- Father followed him clean down to the gate, and
ises,' says I,'father.' Well it was all settled, and  says he,'Minister, we hadn't time this hitch, or I'd
things soon grew as calm as a pan of milk two days a told you all about the Evakyation of New York,
old; and afore a year was over, Jim was as steady  but I'll tell you that the next time we meet."
SLICKISMS; OR, YANKEE PHILOSOPHY.
FROM 4THE CLOCKMAKER."  BY JUDGE HALIBURTON.
SOCIETY is something like a barrel of pork. The    When a feller is too lazy to work, he paints his
meat that's at the top, is sometimes not as good as name over his door, and calls it a tavern, and as
that that's a little grain lower down; the upper like as not he makes the whole neighborhood as
and lower ends are plaguy-apt to have a little taint lazy as himself.
in'em, but the middle is always good.
Our tree of liberty wasa beautiful tree-a splenIf a man don't hoe his corn, and he don't get a did tree-it was a sight to look at; it was fenced
crop, he says'tis all owing to the Bank: and if he and well protected, and it grew so stately and so
runs into debt, and is sued, why he says the law- handsome, that strangers came from all parts of the
yers are a curse to the country.               world to see it. They all allowed it was the most
splendid thing in the world. Well, the mobs have
We can do without any article of luxury we've broken in and torn down their fences, and snapped
never had, but when once obtained, it is not in  off the branches, and scattered all the leaves about,
human natur' to surrender it voluntarily.      and it looks no better than a gallows-tree.




SLICKISMS; OR, YANKEE PHILOSOPHY.                               957
I guess if you were at our factories at Lowell, in kings' robes-where butter is spread with the
we'd show you a wonder-five hundred gals at work  thumb as well as the silver knife.
together, all in silence! I don't think our great
country has such a real natural curiosity as that-I   All folks that grow up right off, like a mushroom,
expect the world don't contain the beat of it-for in one night, are apt to think no small beer of
a woman's tongue goes so slick of itself, without themselves. A cabbage has plaguy large leaves to
water power or steam, and moves so easy on its the bottom, and spreads them out as wide as an old
hinges, that it is no easy matter to put a spring  woman's petticoat, to hide the ground it sprung
stop on it, I tell you. It comes as natural as drink- from, and conceal its extraction.
ing mint julep.
When a feller has run as fast as he can clip, he
What is the use of reading the Proverbs of Solo- has to stop and take breath; you must do that or
mon to our free and enlightened citizens, that are  choke.
every mite and mortal as wise as he was? That
are man undertook to say there was nothing new    A long face is plaguy apt to cover a long conunder the sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little  science-that's a fact.
too fast, if he was to see our steamboats, railroads,
and India-rubber shoes-three inventions worth    Nothin' sets up a woman's spunk like callin' her
more nor all he knew put in a heap together.     ugly-she gets her back right up, like a cat when
a strange dog comes near her; she's all eyes, claws,
There are some folks who think a good deal and and bristles.
say but little, and they are wise folks; and there
are others agin, who bleat right out whatever comes    Make a farmer of him, and you will have the
uppermost, and I guess they are pretty considerable  satisfaction of seeing him an honest, independent,
superfine darned fools.                          and respectable member of society-inore honest
than traders, more independent than professional
Never tell folks you can go ahead of'em, but do men, and more respectable than either.
it. It spares a great deal of talk, and helps them
to save their breath to cool their broth.
There are only two things worth looking at in a
It ain't them that stare the most that see the  horse-action and soundness, for I never saw a
critter that had good action that was a bad beast.
best, I guess.
An airly start makes easy stages.                It's in politics as in racin', every thing depends
upon a fair start. If you are off too quick, you
Politics makes a man as crooked as a pack does have to pull up and turn back agin, and your beast
a pedlar; not that they are so awful heavy, neither, gets out of wind and is baffled; and if you lose in
but it teaches a man to stoop in the long run,  the start, you ha'n't got a fair chance arterwards,
and are plaguy apt to get jockeyed in the course.
It's better never to wipe a child's nose at all, I
guess, than to wring it off.                       There's a plaguy sight of truth in them are old
proverbs. They are distilled facts steamed down
I'd rather keep a critter whose faults I do know, to an essence. They are like portable soup, an
than change him for a beast whose faults I don't amazin' deal o' matter in a small compass. They
know.                                            are as true as a plum' line, and as short and sweet
There's nothing I hate so much as cant of all as sugar candy.
kinds; it's a sure kind of a tricky disposition. If
you see a feller cant in religion, clap your hand into    When you've too many irons in the fire, some on
your pocket, and lay right hold of your puss, or'em will get stone cold, and t'other ones will get
he'll steal it, as sure as you're alive; and if a man,    so they'll never be no good in natur'
cant in politics, he'll sell you if he gets a chance,
you may depend. Law and physic are just the    Now's the time to larn, when you are young.
same, and every mite and morsel as bad. If a  Store your mind well, and the fragrance will relawyer takes to cantin', it's like the fox preachin' main long arter the rose has shed its leaves. The
to the geese; he'll eat up his whole congregation. otter of roses is stronger than the rose, and a
And if a doctor takes to it, he's a quack, as sure  plaguy sight more valuable.
as rates. The Lord have mercy on you, for he
won't.                                             The Yankees mjay stump the universe. We improve on every thing, and we have improved on
When a feller winks till his gal gets married, I our own species. You'll search one while, I tell
guess it's a little too late to pop the question then. you, afore you'll find a man that, take him big and
large, is equal to one of our free and enlightened
Judge Beler put a notice over his factory gate, citizens. He's the chap that has got both speed,
at Lowell, "no cigars or Irishmen admitted within  wind, and bottom; he's clear grit, ginger to the
these walls," for said he, "the one will set a flame backbone, you may depend. It's generally allowed
agoin' among my cottons, and the t'other among  there ain't the beat of them to be found anywhere.
my gals. I won't have no such inflammable and Spry as a fox, supple as an eel, and'cute as a
dangerous things about me on no account."       weasel. Though I say it that shouldn't say it, they
fairly take the shine off creation-they are actilly
Natur' is natur' wherever you find it-in rags or equal to cash.




958                                   BRIGHTON FAIR.
BRIGHTON FAIR.
BY ALFRED FORRESTER. (A. CROWQUILL.)
I MUST confess a vagabond inclination for the
vulgar pleasures of a fair. The mingled sounds of
the mimic penny-trumpet, the rattle, and the toy- 
drum, the grinding of the barrel-organs, the clashing of cymbals, and the whole miscellaneous concert
of discordant music is always very exhilarating, and                             r
never more so than when it breaks in upon the                                        - 
monotonous routine of a fashionable watering-place.  
About eight o'clock on a fine warm September's
evening, I quitted my temporary residence on the  laughing looks and the exclamations of the sunMarine Parade, and, crossing the Steyne, mingled  burnt little rogues filled my heart with pleasure,
in the parti-colored stream of boys and girls, and  and emptied my pockets of the coppers wherewith
children of a larger growth, which was flowing on  I had stored them for the occasion.
towards "Ireland's Gardens," where the fair was   As the twilight faded, the smaller part of the
held.                                            joyous multitude gradually disappeared from the
The road, like a grocer's shop on a July day, festive scene; and the number of servant-maids,
was swarming with flies. All the beaux were un- smart shopmen, sailors, and fishermen, almost imbent, and the belles bending to beaux, as they  perceptibly increased. The colored lamps burned
greeted each other on the way, ridiculing the idea brighter, and gave the place the appearance of the
of going to a fair, and yet all pushing forward to  jewel-bearing trees in the fruit-gardens of Aladdin.
the scene of the annual Saturnalia. The counte- A party commenced a country-dance on the green,
nances of the many fashionab   les I recognized  which was soon lengthened by new-comers; and
in the crowd encouraged me in the pursuit. "Sweet even some of the genteeler people, inspired by the
creatures!" thought I, "they at least will not cen- scene, contrived to get up a quadrille without the
sure my predilection in favor of such a pastime. aid of a Master of the Ceremonies. Although adIndeed, it would be sheer ingratitude in them to miring ratitude frin them to miring theand good-humor with which
contemn my devotion to the fair!"               they entered into the prevailing spirit of the hour,
I entered the gardens. On two sides of the spa- my dancing days were long since past, and I therecious green the cake and toy-booths and the shows fore moved on, and the  mingled with the motley mob
were ranged, forming an angle. The children, who  before the principal show.
had parents or pence, were admiring the spice-nuts    Here Mr. Merryman, having performed a preludio
and gilt-gingerbread, and the fragile and many- upon              the   a rolling-pin, with all the
colored allurements of the former; while a well- con spirito and force which the compass of that
ordered mob were listening and laughing at the  favorite instrument allows, had just placed the box
Stentorian invitations of the bawling proprietors of  under his left arm, and was extending the rollingthe latter places of scenic, dramatic, and intellec- pin his right, when  la truncheon in his right, when the proprietor
tual entertainment.  Every booth, with its neat of the adjoining booth, dressed in a white hat and
white cloth, looked like the aproned lap of a capa- red coat, extended his body over the show, in order
cious grandmamma, filled with nice theings for dis- to catch the attention of Mr. Merryman's customtribution  among her            children's c hild re. The ers, and bawled out,




BRIGHTON FAIR.                                      959
"This is the show!"                         no posture-master, I can put my tow in my mouth
"And this is the substance!" exclaimed Mr. Mer- as cleverly as the best of'em!"
ryman. "Ladies and gentlemen! that man's a    After this feat with his tow, he turned to a beRadical-look at his hat!" A roar of laughter fol- rouged gentleman with a hat and feathers, a black
lowed this allusion.  "The only sign of good sense velvet fly jacket, white pantaloons, and yellow boots,
he has shown is his endeavor to thrust himself into  with a riding-whip in his hand.
our splendid and incomparable Thespian establish-    "I say, Mister Master," said he.
ment!  The only animal worth seeing is himself;   "Well, Mr. Merryman, and what-do-youfor, as you observe, he is a kind of amphibious non- say?" said the other.
descript-being half beaver and half donkey, which    "Why did the dun cow not know her tail when
is the cause of his exposing himself!"         she saw it in the pond?"
Another peal of laughter followed this spirited    "Don't-know-Mr.-Merryman."
expression of party feeling on the part of the indig-   "Why,'cause she had never seen it-before-to
nant Mr. Merryman.                              be sure," replied the clown.
"Only tuppence, and children half-price!" em-   A laugh of course followed the solution of the
phatically exclaimed the rival.                 query.
"If you pay your money there," said Mr. Merry-   "Now here's a puzzler," continued he. "Why
man, "you will most certainly be-let in. Here, is a cabbage run to seed like a lover?  Give it up?
here is the place, where all the money you lay out Because it has lost its heart!"
will produce a profit!  We have travelled the    Another encouraging shout from the rustics suecountry far and wide to gather materials for your ceeded.
amusement; and you will find, and must confess,   "What were the last words of the trumpeter
that we have progressed with the march of intellect. when he was gored by the parson's bull? Why,
We fearlessly challenge competition; and if any'blow the horns!' to be sure; for that was in his
individual, ignorantly blind to our superior merit, vocation. I say, Gaffer," said he, addressing a'josshall declare he is dissatisfied, and that we have  kin' in the crowd, whose mouth was extended from
made a fool of him, we will refund his money! ear to ear with an awful grin of approbation, "if
Walk up, ladies and gentlemen! and you will find  you've cut your teeth of wisdom, canst tell me what
a feast of wit here, where you may not only feed, are the three domestic delights of a poor man on a
but carry away scraps enough to entertain your cold day?"
friends for the next twelve months. Only three-    "Noa," replied the party. "What be they, ey?"
pence!-four a shilling! Why, it's as cheap as   "Why, a' nagging' wife, the tooth-ache, and no
mackerel, and much more nourishing; for every  chips to boil the pot withal!"
one may' laugh and grow fat,' if he choose, without   " Bravo, Mr. Merryman!" exclaimed' the Master';
the trouble of mastication. Walk up, ladies and  " you shall have a bowl of gooseberry fool."
gentlemen!-walk up!"                              "One fool at a time, if you please," cried Mr.,
The wit and drollery of Mr. Merryman won upon  Merryman. " Pray, can any other fool tell another
his auditory, and they began to mount the wide-ex- fool what is the height of luxury?- You-or you
tended steps, from three to six abreast; and, hav- -or you?  None! then I'll elucidate your pondering paid their money for admission, the platform  osity, and dazzle the eyes of your intellectuality
was soon left clear of the performers, whose services with the brightness of my intelligence. Know, then,
were wanted on the stage, giving an opportunity to  that the height of luxury is-a tight boot on a July
the "Radical," who had so unwarrantably ventured  day, with a sharp peg in the heel of it. Now, mend
on the precincts of his neighbor, to " explain," and  that boot if ye can, ye cobblers of conundrums!"
win over an audience from the crowd.              And he commenced capering among the dancers
When I again approached the Thespian establish- in the most agile and ludicrous manner, accompament, a " delighted and overflowing" audience were nied by the roars of his auditory. He certainly
coming out.                                     was a fellow of infinite humor, and I regret that my
"Now, my merry customers all!" exclaimed the  treacherous memory has let slip many bright speciunwearied clown, " walk up! walk up! and we will mens of his glittering nonsense.
rejoice the very cockles of your hearts for the small   At the conclusion of his Terpsichorean efforts, he
cost of threepence! Is it not worth double the  again presented himself, assuming and caricaturing
money, father?" exclaimed he, addressing a broad- the character of a candidate at an election.
shouldered Sussex farmer.                         "Men of Sussex!" said he, oratorically sawing
The rustic grinned at being addressed; and I the air with his extended arms, "a dissolution of
heard the words " Deep as Garrick!"           the house having just taken place, I again have the
"Not equalled since the days of Garrick, he honor of appearing before you to solicit the favor
says!" said the unblushing Mr. Merryman. The of your suffrages! and I firmly trust that the manfarmer grinned again, and descended with the ner in which I performed my arduous duties on the
crowd, leaving a " clear stage " for the antics of the  last occasion I had the honor of serving you, will
outside performers.                             have sufficiently testified my heartfelt zeal for your
The clown then proceeded to accompany a sort welfare and approbation. My principles are tooof six-handed reel, performed by his gorgeously- well known to require me to pledge myself to the
spangled brother-comedians, upon his favorite in- performance of my duties; and yet, should you restrument. At the conclusion of the serpentine evo- quire it, behold! I am ready to be'put up the
lutions, Mr. Merryman began eating fire amid the  spout' for your benefit; although, in tenderness, I
loud applause of his ruder audience.            ought to resist such a request, because you would
"Now doesn't that beat snap-dragon," cried he, never be able to redeem me; for, without vanity, I
" all to tinder?  Don't be alarmed, young ladies! may say there's no duplicate of your humble servant!
my heart's already in a flame with your charms, Gallant men of Sussex! I call upon you to support
and this is the way I feed the combustion! Though  the fair.




960                                   BRIGHTON FAIR.
"Ladies of Sussex!'tis your cause I advocate, you were a wise man, you'd'know yourself,' and
and I deserve some support at your hands in grati- have no occasion to ask questions!"  Hereupon,
tude, for all my life I have endeavored to uphold  spinning round upon one leg,'a la pirouette, he
the interests of the fair! Then come to the poll! snatched up a hoop bound with red cloth, and beRemember afair is like a lady's ear-ring, there be- gan twisting himself through it, throwing it over
ing only one in a year! and now's your only chance! his arms, legs, and head, with the most dexterous
Walk up! walk up! threepence is a qualification! rapidity.
Here's reform and liberality! why,'tis nothing less    "That's what I call a'round game,"' said he,
than universal suffrage! Come, then, and lay down  breathless with his exertions, and offering it to his
your half-crowns, your shillings, and your sixpences, master; " would you like to take' a hand?"'
and you shall have all the change you desire. Yes,    "No; go on."
you shall find us Radicals in our promises, and true    "Thank-ye," replied he; " but, if I go on, I shall
Tories in our performances!"                    go off for want of breath."
I felt that the "show" deserved patronage, and    "iDisobey me, and I'll discharge you directly,
yet must confess I had no inclination to mount the  sirrah!" said the master, with mock authority.
stage; I was, however, determined that the con-   " That's just what I want, Mister Master."
cern should not be a loser by my mauvaise honte,    "What, to be discharged?"
and had no difficulty in finding a representation of    " Yes; that is to say, let off! which is one and
four deputies among the urchins in the crowd. I the same thing to a fool and a duck-gun!"
am happy to say that my example was liberally fol-   Here the indefatigable fellow again began caper.
lowed by many of the " genteeler folk."         ing among the corps dramatique, and at the concluI now lounged along the range of cake and toy- sion immediately commenced the following invitabooths, anxious for the repetition of the merry  tion to the crowd:
tricks, and quips, and quirks of our motley hero.  "Now, my merry masters and mistresses all!
I had just yielded to the pressing instance of a walk up, and taste of the delightful banquet we
smart pitissiere to purchase a bag of the "best have catered for your amusement! Here tragedy,
spice-nuts," which she was "putting up" for me, comedy, and farce, are combined to move you to
when the sound of a gong suddenly startled me, tears, and win your smiles!  Here the thin may
and, turning hastily about, I observed that the per- grow fat with laughter, and the fat sup full of horformances were just over. I hurriedly threw down  rors, and dwindle to the size of a Kentish hop-pole!
half-a-crown, and, seizing my "fairing," turned my  Come, then, and down with your dust! only threesteps eagerly to the chosen spot, fearful of losing a pence.  The only legitimate drama in the whole
particle of Mr. Merryman's quaint and laughter- fair!  All the rest are mere'by-blows,' and fathermoving speech.                                  ed by fools! Here you will find not only the gold
A young serving-lass was pushing, and anxiously  and glitter, but the gingerbread, good, spicy, and
endeavoring to penetrate the mob,, evidently in  substantial. Allow me, sir, to lend you a hand!"
pursuit of some object.                         continued he, stooping to a wooden-legged sailor,
"Seeking for a lover, my dear?" asked Mr. Mer- who was'stumping' up the steps; "I would wilryman.                                          lingly lend you a leg to boot, had I one to spare.
"No; I've lost my shoe," pettishly replied the  Walk up, ladies! the front row is still vacant; and
girl.                                           there you may not only see, but be seen. Now,
"A shoe!" said the clown; "it must be a slipper, farmers of Sussex! ye first of corn-cutters! put
and a very shabby one, too, to desert such a pretty  your best legs foremost.  It always delights my
foot. Yes, really'tis barbarous-nay shocking!-  heart to welcome the agricultural interest; they
to slip from such a fair-and well-darned stocking!" are all sharp and good-tempered blades. Raisers
Mr. Merryman now began to "hunt the slipper,"  of crops and crops of razors! walk up, walk up!
which he soon found, and presented to the blushing  the room and the' company' are both extensive."
damsel. The platform was speedily cleared again,   The booth was speedily filled, and I again saunand the same evolutions were recommenced by the  tered from the spot, when one of those sudden
untiring company to the boisterous clang of cym- showers, so frequent in Brighton, drove me from
bals, drums, and trumpets.                      the scene of noise, bustle, and rude merriment; and
"' This is what I call life," exclaimed Mr. Merry- hailing the first'fly,' I drove home to my lodging,
man. "Cutting and shuffling is the order of the  perfectly delighted with my evening's entertainday!  There they go! in and out, like so many  ment.
wriggling eels in a fish-basket; and that's the way    On the morning after the conclusion of the fair,
to make your way in the world, now-a-days! Your I turned my steps towards the gardens. Most of
straight-forward fool only runs his head against a the booths were dismantled, and many of the showpost, and comes to a stand-still! Commend me to  people had packed up and departed. The Thespian
a knave!-Knaves are sharp blades, and honest men  establishment, too, had nearly completed its traveltheir handles!".                     ling arrangements. A long cart covered with the
"And pray, Mis-ter Merry-man-what-are-  scenery and paraphernalia of the drama alone reyou!" demanded the master, laying an emphasis mained, with its horseless shafts extended along the
upon every syllable and word.                   ground, like a couple of bony arms, waiting to em"A fool!" replied Mr. Merryman; "and every  brace the lean ribs of the " hack " to transport it to
fool is an honest man, and every honest man a fool; the place of its next destination.
that's my philosophy!"                           Several trunks were scattered over the path and
"And pray, Mr. Merryman-what-am-I?" de- green; and a man with sandy hair, deeply pitted
manded the other.                               with the small-pox, was issuing his orders to his as"You're another!"                             sistants, diligently applying his hammer, to secure
"Call me a fool?"                            the "properties."  He was in his shirt-sleeves, wore
"To be sure," replied Mr. Merryman; "for, if  a pair of large corded, light-colored inexpressibles,




ON A ROMAN NOSE. v THE TALE OF THE ENGLISH SAILOR.                        961
dirty white cotton stockings, and high-low, heavy- " for the praise of the judicious few compensates us
nailed boots. He appeared the master of the con- for many disagreeables. You are not, perhaps,
cern, for he was ordering about him, and certainly  aware, sir, that you are now speaking to that'giftin no very good humor.                          ed individual?"' continued he, smiling.
"I hope," said I, "that you have made a good    I was certainly what the old women call "' thunharvest?"                                      der-struck" at this intelligence; and, no doubt, my
"Pretty well, sir, I. thank you, considering the  stare of astonishment tickled the'clown,' for he
times," said he; "but fairs are not what they used  burst into a loud fit of laughter.
to be: the people fancy themselves so clever that   "Ah, sir," said he, "it's a wonder what a differwe find it difficult to please them now-a-days. The ence a little whitewashing makes in a man!"
merest clown now sets up for a critic, and fancies,   When my amazement had abated, I continued
because he can read, he has brains, and feels much  the conversation, and found, upon inquiry, that he
more pleasure in finding fault with what he don't was the real and sole proprietor of the "Show."
understand, than with being pleased with what he  Though no beauty, I certainly discovered that he
does."                                          was no "ordinary" man, and, proffering him a
"Well, I am sure your'clown' gave universal gratuity for the pleasure he had afforded me, I took
satisfaction," said I; "for my part, I must confess my leave, delighted with my strange encounter with
I was infinitely amused by his exertions."      the First Fool of Brighton Fair.
"I'm sure I'm much obliged to you," said he;
ON A ROMAN NOSE.
RY ALFRED A. FORRESTER. (A. CROWQUILL.)
Knows he, who never took a pinch,               Oh, nose! I am as proud of thee,
Nosey! the pleasure thence which flows?        As any mountain of its snows;
Knows he the titillating joys                  I gaze on thee, and feel that joyWhich my nose knows?                          A Roman knows!
THE TALE OF THE ENGLISH SAILOR.
FROM  THE PACHA OF MANY TALES." BY CAPTAIN MARRYATT.
" I HAVE an infidel in the courtyard," replied Mus- they pushed and dragged him in, turned to one side
tapha, "who telleth of strange things. He hath been  or the other, looking daggers at those who conductcaught like a wild beast; it is a Frank Galiongi, who ed him. He was sober, although his eyes bore teshath travelled as far as that son of Shitan, Hucka- timony to recent intoxication; and his face, which
back; he was found in the streets, overpowered by  was manly and handsome, was much disfigured by
the forbidden juice, after having beaten many of an enormous quid of tobacco in his right cheek,
your highness's subjects; and the cadi would have ad- which gave him an appearance of natural deformity.
ministered the bamboo, but he was as a lion, and he As soon as he was near enough to the pacha, the
scattered the slaves as chaff, until he fell, and could  attendants let him  go.  Jack shook his jacket,
not rise again. I have taken him from the cadi, hitched up his trousers, and said, looking furiously
and brought him here. He speaketh but the Frank- at them, "Well, you beggars, have you done with
ish tongue, but the sun who shineth on me knoweth  me at last?"
I have been in the Frank country, and Inshallah!   Mustapha addressed the sailor in English, telling
please the Lord, I can interpret his meaning."  him that he was in the presence of his highness the
" What sort of a man may he be, Mustapha?"    pacha.
"He is a baj baj-a big belly-a stout man; he    " What, that old chap muffled up in shawls and
is an anhunkher, a swallower of iron.  He hath furs-is he the pacha?  Well, I don't think much
sailed in the war vessels of the Franks. He hold- o' he;" and the sailor turned his eyes round the
eth in one hand a bottle of the forbidden liquor, in room, gaping with astonishment, and perfectly unthe other he shakes at those who would examine mindful how very near he was to one who could cut
him a thick stick. He hath a large handful of the off his head or his tail, by a single movement of
precious weed which we use for our pipes in one of his hand.
his cheeks, and his hair is hanging behind down to    " What sayeth the Frank, Mustapha?' inquired
his waist, in a rolled up mass, as thick as the arm  the pacha.
of your slave."                                   "He is struck dumb with astonishment at the
" It is well-we will admit him; but let there be splendor of your majesty, and all that he beholds."
armed men at hand.  Let me have a full pipe.   "It is well said, by Allah!"
God is great," continued the pacha, holding out his   "I suppose I may just as well come to an anglass to be filled; "and the bottle is nearly empty. chor," said the sailor, suiting the action to the
Place the guards, and bring in the infidel."   word, and dropping down on the mats. "There,"
The guards in a few minutes brought into the continued he, folding his legs in imitation of the
presence of the pacha, a stout-built English sailor, Turks, "as it's the fashion to have a cross in your
in the usual dress, and with a tail which hung down hawse, in this here country, I can be a bit of a lubbehind, below his waist. The sailor did not appear ber as well as yourselves; I wouldn't mind if I blew
to like his treatment, and every now and then, as a cloud, as well as you, old fusty-musty."




962                         THE TALE OF THE ENGLISH  SAILOR.
"What does the Giaour say? What son of a  had a river here. Let some be procured, then, for
dog is this, to sit in our presence?" exclaimed the  I wish to hear his story."
pacha.                                              A bottle of brandy was sent for, and handed to
"He saith," replied Mustapha, "that in his coun- the sailor, who put it to his mouth, and the quantitry no one dare stand in the presence of the Frank- ty he took of it before he removed the bottle to reish king; and, overcome by his humility, his legs cover his breath, fully convinced the pacha that
refuse their office, and he sinks to the dust before  Mustapha's assertions were true.
you. It is even as he sayeth, for I have travelled    "Come, that's not so bad," said the sailor, putin their country, and such is the custom of that un- ting the bottle down between his legs; "and now
civilized nation. Mashallah! but he lives in awe  I'll be as good as my word, and I'll spin old Billy a
and trembling."                                   yarn as long as the maintop-bowling."
"By the beard of the prophet, he does not ap-    "What sayeth the Giaour?" interrupted  the
pear to show it outwardly," replied the pacha; pacha.
"but that may be the custom also."                  "That he is about to lay at your highness's feet
"Be chesm, on my eyes be it," replied Mustapha, the wonderful events of his life, and trust that his
"it is even so. Frank," said Mustapha, "the pacha  face will be whitened before he quits your sublime
has sent for you that he may hear an account of  presence. Frank, you may proceed."
all the wonderful things which you have seen. You' "To lie till I'm black in the face-well, since you
must tell lies, and you will have gold."          wish it; but, old chap, my name ar'n't Frank. It
"Tell lies! that is, to spin a yarn; well, I can do  happens to be Bill; howsomever, it warn't a bad
that, but my mouth's baked with thirst, and with- guess for a Turk; and now I'm  here, I'd just like
out a drop of something, the devil a yarn from me, to ax you a question. We had a bit of a harguand so you may tell the old billy-goat perched up  ment the other day, when I was in a frigate up the
there."                                           Dardanelles, as to what your religion might be.
"What sayeth the son of Shitan?" demanded the  Jack Soames said that you warn't Christians, but
pacha, impatiently.                               that if you were, you could only be Catholics; but
"The unbeliever declareth that his tongue is I don't know how he could know any thing about
glued to his mouth from the terror of your high- it, seeing that he had not been more than seven
ness's presence.  He fainteth after water to restore  weeks on board of a man-of-war. What may you
him, and enable him to speak.":                 be-if I may make so bold as to ax the question?"
"Let him be fed," rejoined the pacha.             "What does he say?" inquired the pacha, impaBut Mustapha had heard enough to know that tiently.
the sailor would not be content with the pure ele-    "He says," interrupted Mustapha, "that he was
ment. He therefore continued, "your slave must not so fortunate as to be born in the country of the
tell you, that in the country of the Franks, they  true believers, but in an island full of fog and mist,
drink nothing but the fire water, in which the true  where the sun never shines, and the cold is so inbelievers but occasionally venture to indulge."  tense, that the water from heaven is hard and cold
"Allah acbar! nothing but fire water?  What as a flint."
then do they do with common water?"                "That accounts for their not drinking it. Mash"They have none but from heaven-the rivers allah, God is great! Let him proceed."
are all of the same strength."                      "The pacha desires me to say, that our religion
"Mashallah, how wonderful is God! I would we  is, that there is but one God, and Mahomet is his




THE TALE OF THE ENGLISH SAILOR.                                963
prophet, and begs that you will go on with your like the sarvice, so I cut the schooner, and sailed
story."                                         home in summer, and got back safe to England.
"Never heard of the chap-never mind-here's There I fell in with Betsy, and as she proved a regsaw wood."                                      ular out and outer, I spliced her, and a famous
wedding we had of it, as long as the rhino lasted;
TALE OF THE ENGLISH SAILOR.             but that wasn't long, the more's the pity; so I went
I was born at Shields, and bred to the sea, served  to sea for more. When I came back after my trip,
my time out of that port, and got a berth on board  I found that Bet hadn't behaved quite so well as
a small vessel fitted out from Liverpool for the slave  she might have done, so I cut my stick, and went
trade. VWe made the coast, unstowed our beads, away from her altogether.
spirits, and gunpowder, and very soon had a cargo
on board; but the day after we sailed for the Ha-   "Why didn't you put her in a sack?" inquired
vannah, the dysentery broke out among the nig- the pacha, when Mustapha explained.
gers-no wonder, seeing how they were stowed,   " Put her head in a bag-no, she wasn't so ugly
poor devils, head and tail, like pilchards in a cask. as all that," replied the sailor. "Howsomever, to
We opened the hatches, and brought part of them  coil away."
on deck, but it was no use, they died like rotten
sheep, and we tossed overboard about thirty a day.   I joined a privateer brig, and after three cruises
Many others, who were alive, jumped overboard, I had plenty of money, and determined to have
and we were followed by a shoal of sharks, splash- another spell on shore, that I might get rid of it.
ing, and darting, and diving, and tearing the bodies, Then I picked up Sue, and spliced again; but,
yet warm, and revelling in the hot and bloody wa- Lord bless your heart, she turned out a regular
ter. At last they were all gone, and we turned back  built tartar-nothing but fight fight, scratch scratch,
to the coast to get a fresh supply. We were within  all day long, till I wished her at old Scratch. I was
a day's sail of the land, when we saw two boats on  tired of her, and Sue had taken a fancy to another
our weather bow; they made signals to us, and we chap; so says she one day, "As we both be of the
found them to be full of men; we hove to, and took  same mind, why don't you sell me, and then we
them on board, and then it was that we discovered  may part in a respectable manner."  I agrees, and
that they had belonged to a French schooner, in  I puts a halter round her neck, and leads her to the
the same trade, which had started a plank, and had  market-place, the chap following to buy her. "Who
gone down like a shot, with all the niggers in the  bids for this woman?" says I.
hold.                                             "I do," says he.
"What will you give?"
"Now give the old gentleman the small change    "What will you give?"
of that, while I just whet my whistle."
Mustapha having interpreted, and the sailor having taken a swig at the bottle, he proceeded.
We didn't much like having these French beggars on board, and it wasn't without reason, for
they were as many as we were. The very first
night, they were overheard by a negro who belonged to us, and had learnt French, making a plan 
for overpowering us, and taking possession of the
vessel; so when we heard that, their doom was
sealed. We mustered ourselves on deck, put the     if-/
hatches over some o' the French, seized those on
deck, and-in half an hour, they all walked a
plank.
"I do not understand what you mean," said Mustapha.
That's'cause you're a lubber of a landsman. The
long and short of walking a plank is just this. We   I
passed a wide plank over the gunnel, greasing it
well at the outer end, led the Frenchmen up to it
blindfolded, and wished them  "bon voyage" in 
their own lingo, just out of politeness. They walked on till they toppled into the sea, and the sharks 
didn't refuse them, though they prefer a nigger to  i
any thing else.
"What does he say, Mustapha?" interrupted the
pacha. Mustapha interpreted.
" Good; I should like to have seen that," replied
the pacha.                                         Will you throw a glass of grog into the bargain?"
Well, as soon as we were rid of the Frenchmen,   " Yes," says he.
we made our port, and soon had another cargo on    " Then she's yours; and I wish you much joy of
board, and after a good run, got safe to the Havan- your bargain." So I hands the rope to him, and he
nah, where we sold our slaves; but I didn't much  leads her off.




964                        THE TALE OF THE ENGLISH  SAILOR.
"How much do you say he sold his wife for?'   Well, at last a vessel took me off, and I wasn't
said the pacha to Mustapha, when this.part of the  sorry for it, for raw rats are not very good eating.
story was repeated to him.                      I went home again, and I hadn't been on shore
"A piastre, and a drink of the fire water," replied  more than two hours, when who should I see but
the vizier.                                     my first wife Bet, with a robin-redbreast in tow.
"Ask him if she was handsome?" said the pacha. "That's he," says she.  I gave fight, but was
"Handsome," replied the sailor to Mustapha's in- nabbed and put into limbo, to be tried for what
quiry; "yes, she was as pretty a craft to look at as they call biggery, or having a wife too much.
you may set your eyes upon; fine round counterclean run-swelling bows-good figure head, and    "How does he mean? desire him to explain,"
hair enough for a mermaid."                     said the pacha, after Mustapha had conveyed the
"What does he say?" inquired the pacha.      intelligence. Mustapha obeyed.
"The Frank declareth that her eyes were bright    "In our country one wife is considered a man's
as those of the gazelle-that her eyebrows were as allowance; and he is not to take more, that every
one-her waist as that of the cypress-her face as Jack may have his Jill. I had spliced two, so they
the full moon, and that she was fat as the houris tried me, and sent me to Botany bay for life."
that wait the true believers."                    This explanation puzzled the pacha.  " How!
"Mashallah! all for a piastre. Ask him, Musta- what sort of a country must it be, when a man can
pha, if there are more wives to be sold in that not have two wives?  Inshallah! please the Lord,
country?"                                      we may have hundreds in our harem! Does he not
"More," replied the sailor, in answer to Musta- laugh at our beards with lies? Is this not all bosh,
pha: "you may have a ship full in an hour. nothing?"
There's many a fellow in England who would give    "It is even- so, as the Frank speaketh," replied
a handful of coin to get rid of his wife."      Mustapha.  " The king of the country can take but
"We will make further inquiry, Mustapha; it one wife. Be chesm, on my eyes be it, if it is not
must be looked to. Say I not well?"             the truth."
"It is well said," replied Mustapha. "My heart    "Well," rejoined the pacha, " what are they but
is burnt as roast meat at the recollection of the  infidels?  They deserve to have no more. Houris
women of that country; who are, indeed, as he de- are for the faithful. May their fathers' graves be
scribed, houris to the sight. Proceed, Yaha Bibi, defiled. Let the Giaour proceed."
my friend, and tell his-"
Yaw Bibby! I told you my name was Bill, not    Vell, I was started for the other side of the water,
Bibby; and I never yaws from my course, although  and got there safe enough, as I hope one day to get
I heaves to sometimes, as I do now, to take in pro- to heaven, wind and weather permitting; but I had
visions." The sailor took another swig, wiped his no idea of working without pay, so one fine mornmouth with the back of his hand, and continued. ing, I slipped away into the woods, where I remain"Now for a good lie."                           ed with three or four more for six months.  We
lived upon kangaroos, and another odd little animal,
I sailed in a brig for the Brazils, and a gale came  and got on pretty well.
on, that I never seed the like of. We were obliged    "What may the dish of kangaroos be composed
to have three men stationed to hold the captain's  of  inquired Mustapha, in obedience to the pacha.
hair on his head, and a little boy was blown over    "Posed  of! why a dish of bdngaroos be made of
the moon, and slid down by two or three of her kangaroos to be sure."
beams, till he caught the mainstay, and never hurt
himself.                                          But I'll be dished if I talked about any thing but
"Good,"' said Mustapha, who interpreted.    the animal, which we had some trouble to kill; for
"By the beard of the prophet, wonderful " ex- it stands on its big tail, and fights with all four feet.
claimed the pacha.                            Moreover, it be otherwise a strange beast; for its
young ones pop out of its stomach, and then pop in
Well, the gale lasted for a week, and at last one again, having a place there on purpose, just like the
night, when I was at the helm, we dashed on the  great hole in the bow of a timber ship: and as for
rocks of a desolate island. I was pitched right the other little animal, it swims in the ponds, lays
over the mountains, and fell into the sea on the  eggs, and has a duck's bill, yet still it be covered
other side of the island. I swam on shore, and gab all over with hair like a beast.
into a cave, where I fell fast asleep. The next   The vizier interpreted.  "By the prophet, but
morning I found that there was nothing to eat ex- he laughs at our beards!" exclaimed the pacha, ancept rats, and they were plentiful; but they were  grily.  "These are foolish lies."
so quick that I could not catch them. I walked    "You must not tell the pacha such foolish lies.
about, and at last discovered a great many rats to- He will be angry," said Mustapha.  "Tell lies, but
gether; they were at a spring of water, the only  they must be good lies."
one, as I afterwards found, on the island. Rats   "Well I'll be-," replied the sailor, "if the old
can't do without water; and I thought I should  beggar don't doubt the only part which is true out
have them there. I filled up the spring, all but a of the whole yarn. Well, I will try another good
hole which I sat on the top of. When the rats un to please him."
came again I filled my mouth with water, and held    After I had been there about six months I was
it wide open; they ran up to drink and I caught tired, and as there was only twenty thousand miles
their heads in my teeth, and thus I took as many as between that country and my own, I determined to
I wished.                                       swim back.
"Aferin, excellent!" cried the pacha, as soon as    "Mashallah! swim back!-how many thousand
this was explained.                             miles?" exclaimed Mustapha.




DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.                                  965
"Only twenty thousand-a mere nothing."        Mustapha intimated to the sailor the unexpected
compliment about to be conferred on him, just as
So, one fine morning, I throws a young kangaroo  he had finished the bottle, and rolled it away on
on my shoulder, and off I starts. I swam for three one side. " Well, that be a rum way of paying a
months, night and day, and then feeling a little tired, man. I have heard it said that a fellow pursed up
I laid to on my back, and then I set off again; but his mouth; but I never afore heard of a mouth beby this time I was so covered with barnacles, that I ing a purse. Howsomever, all's one for that; only,
made but little way. So I stopped at Ascension, d'ye see, if you are about to stow it away in bulk,
scraped and cleaned myself, and then after feeding it may be just as well to get rid of the dunnage."
for a week on turtle, just to keep the scurvy out of The sailor put his thumb and forefinger into the
my bones, I set off again; and as I passed the Gut, cheek, and pulled out his enormous quid of tobacco.
I thought I might just as well put in here; and here "There now, I'm ready, and don't be afraid of
I arrived, sure enough, yesterday, about three bells choking me."  One of the attendants then thrust
in the morning watch, after a voyage of five months several pieces of gold into the sailor's mouth, who,
and three days.                               spitting them all out into his hat, jumped on his
legs, and made a jerk of his head, with a kick of the
When Mustapha translated all this to the pacha, leg behind, to the pacha; and declaring that he
the latter was lost in astonishment. " Allah Wach- was the funniest old beggar he had ever fallen in
bar! God is everywhere! Did you ever hear of with, nodded to Mustapha, and hastened out of the
such a swimmer?  Twenty thousand miles-five  divan.
months and three days. It is a wonderful story! i  "Mashallah! but he swims well," said the pacha,
Let his mouth be filled with gold."           breaking up the audience.
o4o
DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.
FROM " MIDSHIPMAN EASY." BY CAPTAIN MARRYATT.
THE packet anchored in Falmouth Roads. Jack,   " By de powers, you very soon find out who he
accompanied by Mesty, was soon on shore with his is," observed Mesty.
luggage, threw himself into the mail, arrived in    " Stay here, and I'll see if he is at home."
London, and waiting there two or three days to ob-   "Stay here! stay in the hall like a footman?
tain what he considered necessary from a fashion- What do you mean, you rascal?' cried Jack, atable tailor, ordered a chaise to Forest Hill. He tempting to push by the man.
had not written to his father to announce his arri- i O, that won't do here, master; this is Equality
val, and it was late in the morning when the chaise Hall-one man's as good as another."
drew up at his father's door.                   "Not always," replied Jack, knocking him down.
Jack stepped out and rang the bell. The ser- "Take that for your insolence, pack up your traps,
vants who opened the door did not know him; they and walk out of the house to-morrow morning."
were not the same as those he left.             Mesty, in the mean time, had seized the other by
"Where is Mr. Easy?" demanded Jack.         the throat.
" Who are you?" demanded one of the men, in a   "What I do with this fellow, Massa Easy?"
gruff tone.                                     "Leave him now, Mesty; we'll settle their ac62




966                               DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.
count to-morrow morning. I presume I shall find  and of destroying the baser. It is a splendid invenmy father in the library."                    tion, Jack, very splendid. They may talk of Gall
"His father!" said one of the men to the other; and Spurzheim, and all those; but what have they
"he's not exactly a chip of the old block."    done? nothing but divided the brain into sections,
" We shall have a change, I expect," replied the  classed the organs, and discovered where they reother, as they walked away.                    side; but what good result has been gained from
"Mesty,'" cried Jack, in an authoritative tone, that? the murderer by nature remained a murderer
"bring those two rascals back to take the luggage -the benevolent man, a benevolent man-he could
out of the chaise; pay the postilion, and tell the not alter his organization. I have found out how
housekeeper to show you my room  and yours. to change all that."
Come to me for orders as soon as you have done    "Surely, sir, you would not interfere with the
this."                                         organ of benevolence?"
"Yes, sir," replied Mesty. "Now come here,   "But indeed I must, Jack. I, myself, am sufferyou d-n blackguard, and take tings out of chaise, ing from, my organ of benevolence being too large;
or by de holy poker, I choke your luff, both of you." I must reduce it, and then I shall be capable of
The filed teeth, the savage look, and determina- greater things, shall not be so terrified by difficultion of Mesty, had the due effect. The men sullen- ties, shall overlook trifles, and only carry on great
ly returned and unloaded the chaise. In the mean  schemes for universal equality and the supreme
time, Jack walked into his father's study; his father rights of man. I have put myself into that machine
was there-the study was lighted up with argand  every morning for two hours, for these last three
lamps, and Jack looked with astonishment. Mr. months, and I now feel that I am daily losing a
Easy was busy with a plaster cast of a human head, great portion."
which he pored over, so that he did not perceive    "Will you do me the favor to explain an inventhe entrance of his son. The cast of the skull was tion so extraordinary, sir?" said our hero.
divided into many compartments, with writing on    "Most willingly, my boy. You observe that in
each; but what most astonished our hero was the  the centre there is a frame to confine the human
alteration in the apartment. The book-cases and  head, somewhat larger than the head itself, and
books had all been removed, and in the centre, sus- that the head rests upon the iron collar beneath.
pended from the ceiling, was an apparatus which  When the head is thus firmly fixed, suppose I want
would have puzzled any one, composed of rods in to reduce the size of any particular organ, I take
every direction, with screws at the end of them, the boss corresponding to where that organ is situand also tubes in equal number, one of which com- ated in the cranium, and fix it on it. For you will
municated with a large air-pump, which stood on a observe that all the bosses inside of the top of the
table. Jack took a short survey, and then walked  frame correspond to the organs as described in this
up to his father and accosted him.             plaster cast on the table. I then screw down pret"What!" exclaimed Mr. Easy, "is it possible? ty tight, and increase the pressure daily, until the
— yes, it is my son John!  I'm glad to see you, organ disappears altogether, or is reduced to the
John, very glad indeed," continued the old gentle- size required."
man, shaking him by both hands-" very glad that   "I comprehend that part perfectly, sir," replied
you have come home: I wanted you-wanted your Jack; "but now explain to, me by what method
assistance in my great and glorious project, which, you contrive to raise an organ which does not preI thank heaven, is now advancing rapidly. Very  viously exist?"
soon shall equality and the rights of man be pro-   "That," replied Mr. Easy, "is the greatest perclaimed everywhere. The pressure from without is fection of the whole invention, for without I could
enormous, and the bulwarks of our ridiculous and  do that, I could have done little. I feel convinced
tyrannical constitution must give way.  King, that this invention of mine will immortalize me.
lords, and aristocrats; landholders, tithe-collectors, Observe all these little bell-glasses which communichurch and state, thank God, will soon be over- cate with the air-pump. I shave my patient's head,
thrown, and the golden age revived-the millen- grease it a little, and fix on the bell-glass, which is
nium, the true millennium-not what your poor exactly shaped to fit the organ in length and
mother talked about. I am at the head of twenty- breadth. I work the air-pump, and raise the organ
nine societies, and if my health lasts, you will see by an exhausted receiver. It cannot fail. There
what I will accomplish now that I have your assist- is my butler, now; a man who escaped hanging last
ance, Jack;" and Mr. Easy's eyes sparkled and  spring assizes on an undoubted charge of murder.
flashed, in all the brilliancy of incipient insanity.    I selected him on purpose; I have flattened down
Jack sighed, and to turn the conversation, he murder to nothing, and I have raised benevolence
observed, "You have made a great change in this till it's like a wen."
room, sir. What may all this be for?  Is it a    "I am afraid my poor father's head is an exmachine to improve equality and the rights of hausted receiver," thought Jack, who then replied,
man?"                                         "Well, sir, if it succeeds, it will be a good inven"My dear son," replied Mr. Easy, sitting down, tion."
and crossing his legs complacently, with his two    "If it succeeds! —why, it has succeeded-it canhands under his right thigh, according to his usual not fail. It has cost me near two thousand pounds.'custom when much pleased with himself-" why, By-the-by, Jack, you have drawn very liberally
my dear son, that is not exactly the case; and yet lately, and I had some trouble, with my own exyou have shown some degree of perception, even in penses, to meet your bills; not that I complainyour guess; for if my invention succeeds, and I but what with societies, and my machine, and tenhave no doubt of it, I shall have discovered the ants refusing to pay their rents, on the principle
great art of rectifying the mistakes of nature, and  that tile farms are no more mine than theirs, which
giving an equality of organization to the whole spe- I admit to be true, I have had some difficulty in
cies, of introducing all the finer organs of humanity, meeting all demands."




DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.                                    967
"The governor was right," thought Jack, who    "Bring supper and wine immediately," said Mr.
now inquired after Doctor Middleton.            Easy, giving an order such as the butler had never
"Ah, poor silly man! he's alive yet-I believe heard since he had been in the house.
doing well. He is one who will interfere with the    The butler quitted the room, followed by the
business of others, complains of my servants-very  Ashantee.
silly man, indeed-but I let him have his own way.   "My dear boy-my Jack-I can make every alSo I did your poor mother. Silly woman, Mrs. lowance for hunger, it is often the cause of theft
Easy-but never mind that."                     and crime in the present unnatural state of society
" If you please, sir, I have also a complaint to -but really you are too violent. The principles —"
make of the servants for their insolence to me:   "Your principles are all confounded nonsense,
but we will adjourn, if you please, as I wish to have father," cried Jack, in a rage.
some refreshment."                                "What! Jack-my son-what do I hear? This
"Certainly, Jack, if you are hungry; I will go  from you-nonsense! Why, Jack, what has Capwith you. Complain of my servants, say you?-  tain Wilson been doing with you?"
there must be some mistake-they are all shaved,   "Bringing me to my senses, sir."
and wear wigs, and I put them in the machine every    " 0 dear, O dear! my dear Jack, you will make
other morning; but I mean to make an alteration  me lose mine."
in one respect.  You observe, Jack, it requires    "Gone already," thought Jack.
more dignity: we must raise the whole machinery    "That you, my child, so carefully brought up in
some feet, ascend it with state as a throne, for it the great and glorious school of philosophy, should
is the throne of reason, the victory of mind over behave this way-should be so violent-forget your
nature."                                        sublime philosophy, and all-just like Esau selling
" As you please, sir; but I am really hungry just his birthright for a mess of pottage. O Jack, you'll
now."                                           kill me! and yet I love you, Jack-whom else have
Jack and his father went into the drawing-room  I to love in this world? Never mind, never mind,
and rang the bell; not being answered, Jack rose we'll argue the point, my boy, I'll convince you-in
and rang again.                                a week all will be right again."
"My dear sir," observed Mr. Easy, "you must   "It shall, sir, if I can manage it," replied Jack.
not be in a hurry; every man naturally provides    "That's right; I love to hear you say so-that's
for his own wants first, and afterward for those of consoling, very consoling-but I think now I was
others. Now my servants-"                      wrong to let you go to sea, Jack."
"Are a set of insolent scoundrels, sir, and inso-   "Indeed you were not, father."
lence, I never permit. I knocked one down as I    "Well, I am glad to hear you say so; I thought
entered your house, and with your permission, I they had ruined you, destroyed all your philosophy
will discharge two, at least, to-morrow."      -but it will be all right again-you shall come to
"My dear son," exclaimed Mr. Easy, "you  our societies, Jack-I am president-you shall hear
knocked my servant down! —are xou not aware by  me speak, Jack-you shall hear me thunder like
the laws of equality —"                        Demosthenes-but here comes the tray."
" I am aware of this, my dear father," replied    The butler, followed by Mesty, who attended him
Jack, "that by all the laws of society we have a as if he was his prisoner, now made his appearance
right to expect civility and obedience from those  with the tray-laid it down in a sulky manner, and
we pay and feed."                              retired. Jack desired Mesty to remain.
"Pay and feed!  Why, my dear son-my dear    "Well, Mesty, how are they getting on in the
Jack-you must recollect-"                      servants' hall?"
" I recollect, sir, very well; but if your servants    " Regular mutiny, sar-ab swear dat dey no stand
do not come to their recollection in a very short our nonsense, and dat we both leave the house totime, either I or they must quit the house."   morrow."
"But, my dear boy, have you forgotten the prin-   "Do you hear, sir, your servants declare that I
ciples I instilled into you? Did you not go to sea shall leave your house to-morrow."
to obtain that equality foiled by tyranny and des-   "You leave my house, Jack, after four years'
potism here on shore?  Do you not acknowledge absence!-no, no. I'll reason with them-I'll make
and support my philosophy?"                   them a speech. You don't know how I can speak,
" We'll argue that point to-morrow, sir-at pre- Jack."
sent, I want to obtain my supper;" and Jack rang    "Look you, father, I cannot stand this: either
the bell furiously.                            give me a carte blanche to arrange this household
The butler made his appearance at this last sum- as I please, or I shall quit it myself to-morrow
mons, and he was followed by Mesty, who looked  morning."
like a demon with anger.                          " Quit my house, Jack! no, no-shake hands and
"Mercy on me, who have we here?"            make friends with them; be civil, and they will
" My servant, father," exclaimed Jack, starting  serve you-but you know upon the principles-"
up; " one that I can trust to, and who will obey    " Principles of the devil!" cried Jack, in a
me. Mesty, I wish some supper and wine to be rage.
brought immediately-see that scoundrel gets it   "Of the devil, Jack; dear me! I wish you had
ready in a moment. If he does not, throw him out of never gone to sea."
the door and lock him out. You understand me."    "In one word, sir, do you consent, or am I to
"Yes, massa," grinned Mesty; "now you hab  leave the house?"
supper very quick, or Mesty know the reason why.   "Leave the house! 0 no; not leave the house,
Follow me, sar," cried Mesty, in an imperative tone, Jack. I have no son but you. Then, do as you
to the butler; " quick, sar, or by de holy poker, I please-but you must not send away my murderer,
show you what Mesty can do;" and Mesty grinned  for I must have him cured, and shown as a proof
in his wrath.                                  of my wonderful invention."




968                               DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.
"Mesty, get my pistols ready for to-morrow    "Then sit down, doctor, and we will talk over
morning, and your own too-do you hear?"         matters quietly."
"All ready, massa," replied Mesty; "I tink dat   "You, of course, perceive the state of your faright."                                        ther. He has been some time quite unfit to man"Right-pistols, Jack! What do you mean?"   age his own affairs."
"It is possible, father, that you may not have    "So I am afraid."
yet quite cured your murderer, and therefore it is   "What do you intend to do then-put them in
as well to be prepared. I will now wish you good  the hands of trustees?"
night; but before I go, you will be pleased to sum-   "I will be trustee for myself, Doctor Middleton.
mon one of the servants, that he may inform the  I could not do the other without submitting my
others that the household is under my control for poor father to a process, and confinement, which I
the future."                                    cannot think of."
The bell was again rung, and was this time an-   "I can assure you that there are not many in
swered with more expedition. Jack told the ser- Bedlam  worse than he is; but I perfectly agree
vant, in presence of his father, that with the con- with you; that is, if he will consent to your taking
sent of the latter, he should hereafter take the  charge of the property."
whole control of the establishment, and that Mesty    "A power of attorney will be all that is requisite,"
would be the major-domo from whom they would  replied Jack; "that is, as soon as I have rid the
receive their orders. The men stared and cast an  house of the set of miscreants who are in it; and
appealing look to Mr. Easy, who hesitated, and at who are now in open mutiny."
last said,                                        " I think," replied the doctor, " that you will have
"Yes, William; you'll apologize to all, and say  some trouble. You know the character of the butthat I have made the arrangement."             ler."
"You apologize to none, sir," cried Jack; "but   "Yes, I have it from my father's own mouth. I
tell them that I will arrange the whole business to- really should take it as a great favor, Doctor Midmorrow morning. Tell the woman to come here  dleton, if you could stay here a day or two. I
and show me my bed-room. Mesty, get your sup- know that you have retired from practice."
per, and then come up to me; if they dare to refuse    "I would have made the same offer, my young
you, recollect who does, and point them out to- friend. I will come here with two of my servants;
morrow morning. That will do, sir; away with  for you must discharge these."
you, and bring flat candlesticks."                "I have one of my own who is worth his weight
This scene may give some idea of the state of in gold-that will be sufficient. I will dismiss eveMr. Easy's household upon our hero's arrival. The  ry man you think I ought, and as for the women,
poor lunatic, for such we must call him, was at the  we can give them warning, and replace them  at
mercy of his servants, who robbed, laughed at, and  leisure."
neglected him. The waste and expense was enor-   " That is exactly what I should propose," replied
mous. Our hero, who found how matters stood, the doctor. "I will go now, if you please, procure
went to bed, and lay the best part of the night re- the assistance of a couple of constables, and also
solving what to do. He determined to send for of your father's former legal adviser, who shall
Doctor Middleton, and consult him.             prepare a power of attorney."
The next morning, Jack rose early; Mesty was   " Yes," replied Jack, " and we must then find out
in the room with warm water, as soon as he rang.  the tenants who refuse to pay, upon the principles' By de power, Massa Easy, your fader very silly  of equality, and he shall serve them with notice
fold man."                                     immediately."
"I'm afraid so," replied Jack.                 "I am rejoiced, my dear young friend, to per" He not right here," observed Mesty, putting his ceive that your father's absurd notions have not
fingers to his head.                            taken root."
Jack sighed, and desired Mesty to send one of the    "They lasted some time, nevertheless, doctor,"
grooms up to the door. When the man knocked, replied Jack, laughing.
he desired him to mount a horse and ride over to    "Well then, I will only quit you for an hour or
Doctor Middleton, and request his immediate at- two, and then, as you wish it, will take up my
tendance.                                      quarters here, as long as you find me useful."
The man, who was really a good servant, replied,   In the forenoon, Dr. Middleton again made his
"Yes, sir,;' very respectfully, and hastened away.   appearance, accompanied by Mr. Hanson, the soliJack went down to breakfast, and found it all citor, bringing with him his portmanteau and his
ready, but his father was not in the room: he went servants. Mr. Easy had come into the parlor, and
to his study, and found him occupied with a carpen- was at breakfast, when they entered. He received
ter, who was making a sort of frame as a model of them very coolly; but a little judicious praise of
the platform or dais, to be raised under the wonder- the wonderful invention had its due effect; and
ful invention. Mr. Easy was so busy that he could  after Jack had reminded him of his promise that in
not come to breakfast, so Jack took his alone. An  future he was to control the household, he was easihour after this, Doctor Middleton's carriage drove up ly persuaded to sign the order for his so doingto the door.  The doctor heartily greeted our that is, the power of attorney.
hero.                                            Mr. Easy also gave up to Jack the key of his sec"My dear sir-for so I suppose I must now call retary, and Mr. Hanson possessed himself of the
you-I am heartily glad that you have returned. I books, papers, and receipts necessary to ascertain
can assure you that it is not a moment too soon."  the state of his affairs, and the rents which had not
"I have found out that already, doctor," replied  yet been paid up. In the mean time, the constables
Jack; "sit down. Have you breakfasted?"        arrived.  The servants were all summoned; Mr.
" No, I have not; for I was so anxious to see you, Hanson showed them the power of attorney, emthat I ordered my carriage at once."           powering Jack to act for his father, and, in less




.DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.                                   969
than half an hour afterward, all the men-servants, of pauperism, and obliged to steal for their daily
but two grooms, were dismissed: the presence of bread."
the constables and Mesty prevented any resistance,   "My dear father, I consider that it is to this inebut not without various threats on the part of the  quality that society owes its firmest cementation,
butler, whose name was O'Rourke. Thus, in twen- that we are enabled to live in peace and happiness,
ty-four hours, Jack had made a reformation in the  protected by just laws, each doing his duty in that
household.                                     state of life to which he is called, rising above or
Mr. Easy took no notice of any thing; he re- sinking in the scale of society, according as he has
turned to his study and his wonderful invention. been intrusted with the five talents or the one.
Mesty had received the keys of the cellar, and had  Equality can and does exist nowhere. We are told
now complete control over those who remained. that it does not exist in heaven itself-how can it
Dr. Middleton, Mr. Hanson, Mr. Easy, and Jack, exist upon earth?"
sat down to dinner, and every thing wore the ap-   "But that is only asserted, Jack, and it is not
pearance of order and comfort. Mr. Easy ate very  proof that it ought not to exist."
heartily, but said nothing till after dinner, when, as   " Let us argue the point, father, coolly. Let us
was his usual custom, he commenced arguing upon  examine a little what would be the effect if all was
the truth and soundness of his philosophy.     equality. Were all equal in beauty, there would
"By-the-by, my dear son, if I recollect right, be no beauty, for beauty is only by comparisonyou told me last night that you were no longer of were all equal in strength, conflicts would be intermy opinion.  Now, if you please, we will argue  minable-were all equal in rank, and power, and
this point."                                   possessions, the greatest charms of existence would
"I'll argue the point with all my heart, sir," re- be destroyed-generosity, gratitude, and half the
plied Jack; "will you begin?"                 finer virtues would be unknown. The first princi"Let's fill our glasses," cried Mr. Easy, triumph- ple of our religion, charity, could not be practised
antly; "let's fill our glasses, and then I will bring -pity would never be called forth-benevolence,
Jack back to the proper way of thinking. Now  your great organ, would be useless, and self-denial
then, my son, I trust you will not deny that we are a blank letter. Were all equal in ability, there
all born equal."                               would be no instruction, no talent, no genius-noth"I do deny it, sir," replied Jack; "I deny it in  ing to admire, nothing to copy, to respect-nothing
toto —I deny it from the evidence of our own senses, to rouse emulation, or stimulate to praiseworthy
and from the authority of Scripture. To suppose ambition. Why, my dear father, what an idle, unall men were born equal, is to suppose that they  profitable, weary world would this be, if it were
are equally endowed with the same strength, and  based on equality."
with the same capacity of mind, which we know is   "But, allowing all that, Jack," replied Mr. Easy,
not the case. I deny it from Scripture, from which  " and I will say you argue well in a bad cause; why
I could quote many passages; but I will restrict should the inequality be carried so far? king and
myself to one-the parable of the Talents:'To  lords, for instance."
one he gave five talents, to another but one,' hold-   " The most lasting and imperishable form of building them  responsible for the trust reposed in ing is that of the pyramid, which defies ages, and to
them. We are all intended to fill various situa- that may the most perfect form of society be comtions in society, and are provided by Heaven ac- pared. It is based upon the many, and rising by
cordingly."                                    degrees, it becomes less as wealth, talent, and rank
"That may be," replied Mr. Easy; "but that increase in the individual, until it ends at the apex,
does not prove that the earth was not intended to  or monarch, above all. Yet each several stone,
be equally distributed among all alike."      from the apex to the base, is necessary for the pre" I beg your pardon; the proof that that was not servation of the structure, and fulfils its duty in its
the intention of Providence is, that that equality, allotted place. Could you prove that those at the
allowing it to be put in practice, could never be summit possess the greatest share of happiness in
maintained."                                  this world, then, indeed, you have a position to ar"Not maintained!-no, because the strong op- gue on; but it is well known that such is not the
press the weak, tyrants rise up and conquer-men  case; and provided he is of a contented mind, the
combine to do wrong."                          peasant is more happy than the king, surrounded as:
" Not so, my dear father; I say it could not be  the latter is by cares and anxiety."
maintained without the organization of each indi-   "Very well argued, indeed, my dear sir," obvidual had been equalized, and several other points served Dr. Middleton.
established. For instance, allowing that every man    "But, my dear boy, there are other states of sohad, ab origine, a certain portion of ground. He ciety than monarchy; we have republics and deswho was the strongest or the cleverest, would soon  potisms."
cause his to yield more than others would, and thus   "We have; but how long do they last, compared
the equality be destroyed. Again, if one couple to the first?  There is a cycle in the changes which
had ten children, and another had none, then again never varies. A monarchy may be overthrown by
would equality be broken in upon, as the land that a revolution, and republicanism succeed, but that is
supports two in the one instance, would have to  shortly followed by despotism, till, after a time,
feed twelve in the other. You perceive, therefore, monarchy succeeds again by unanimous consent, as
that without rapine or injustice, your equality could the most legitimate and equitable form of governnot be preserved."                             ment; but in none of these do you'find a single ad"But, Jack, allowing that there might be some vance to equality. In a republic, those who govern
diversity from such causes, that would be a very  are more powerful than the rulers in a restricted
different thing from the present monstrous state of monarchy-a president is greater than a king, and
society, in which we have king, and lords, and  next to a despot, whose will is law. Even in small
people, rolling in wealth, while others are in a state  societies, you find that some will naturally take the




970                              DOMESTIC DEMOCRACY.
lead and assume domination. We commence the                     i
system at school, when we are first thrown into                         l 
society, and there we are taught systems of petty
tyranny. There are some few points in which we
can obtain equality in this world, and that equality
can only be obtained under a well-regulated form
of society, and consists in an equal administration
of justice and of laws to which we have agreed to  S
submit for the benefit of the whole-the equal right                       h
to live, and not be permitted to starve, which has
been obtained in this country. And when we are
all called to account, we shall have equal justice.
Now, my dear father, you have my opinion."
"Yes, my dear, this is all very well in the abstract; but how does it work?"                                            _
"It works well. The luxury, the pampered state,
the idleness —if you please, the wickedness of the
rich, all contribute to the support, the comfort, and
employment of the poor. You may behold extravagance, it is a vice: but that very extravagance
circulates money, and the vice of one contributes to
the happiness of many. The only vice which is not
redeemed by producing commensurate good, is
avarice. If all were equal, there would be no arts,
no manufactures, no industry, no employment. As
it is, the inequality of the distribution of wealth
may be compared to the heart, pouring forth the
blood like a steam engine through the human
frame; the same blood returning from the extremi-   Mr. Easy quitted the room.
ties by the veins, to be again propelled, and keep    "Are you aware, my dear sir, that your father
up a healthy and vigorous circulation."       has opened his preserves to all the poachers?" said
"Bravo, Jack!" said Dr. Middleton.   "Have Mr. Hanson.
you any thing to reply, sir?" continued he, address-   "The devil he has!"
ing Mr. Easy.                                   "Yes, and has allowed several gangs of gipsies
"To reply, sir?" replied Mr. Easy, with scorn; to locate themselves in his woods, much to the an" why he has not given me half an argument yet-  noyance of the neighborhood, who suffer from their
why that black servant even laughs at him-look at depredations," continued Dr. Middleton.
him there, showing his teeth. Can he forget the    "I find by the receipts and books, that there is
horrors of slavery? can he forget the base, unfeel- nearly two years' rental of the estate due; some
ing lash?-no, sir, he has suffered, and he can esti- tenants have paid up in full, others not for four
mate the divine right of equality. Ask him now, years. I reckon fourteen thousand pounds still in
ask him if you dare, Jack, whether he will admit arrear."
the truth of your argument."                    "You will oblige me by taking immediate steps,
"Well, I'll ask him," replied Jack, "and I tell Mr. Hanson, for the recovery of the sums due."
you candidly that he was once one of your disciples.   "Most certainly, Mr. John. I trust your father
Mesty, what's your opinion of equality?"     will not commit himself to-night, as he has done
"Equality, Massa Easy?" replied Mesty, pulling lately."
up his cravat; "I say d-n equality, now I major   When they rose to retire, Dr. Middleton took
demo."                                        our hero by the hand. "You do not know, my
"The rascal deserves to be a slave all his life."   dear fellow, what pleasure it gives me to find that,
"True I ab been slave-but I a prince in my own in spite of the dotingl of your mother, and the madcountry-Massa Easy tell how many skulls I have." ness of your father, you have turned out so well.
" Skulls-skulls-do you know any thing of the It is very fortunate that you have come home; I
sublime science? are you a phrenologist?"   trust you will now give up the profession."
"I know man's skull very well in Ashantee coun-   "I have given it up, sir, which, by-the-by, reminds
try, any how."                                me that I have not yet applied for either my dis"Then if you know that, you must be one. I charge or that of my servant; but I cannot spare
had no idea that the science had extended so far-  time yet, so I shall not report myself."
may be it was brought from thence. I will have       *      *       *       *      *
some talk with you to-morrow. This is very curi-   The next morning, when they met at breakfast,
ous, Dr. Middleton, is it not?"              Mr. Easy did not make his appearance, and Jack
"Very, indeed, Mr. Easy."                  inquired of Mesty where he was?
"I shall feel his head to-morrow, after breakfast,   "They say down below that the old gentleman
and if there is any thing wrong I shall correct it not come home last night."
with my machine. By-the-by, I have quite forgot,   "Did not come home!" said Dr. Middleton;
gentlemen; you will excuse me, but I wish to see "this must be looked to."
what the carpenter has done for me, and after that   "He great rascal, dat butler man," said Mesty to
I shall attend the meeting of the society. Jaclk, Jack; "but de old gentleman not sleep in his bed,
my boy, won't you come and hear my speech?"    dat for sure."
"Thank you, sir, but I cannot well leave your   "Make inquiries when he went out," said Jack.
friends."                                       "I hope no accident has happened," observed




BARTHOLOMEW  FAIR.                                    971
Mr. Hanson; "but his company has lately been  our hero, took him out of the steel collar which
very strange."                                 was round his neck; but life had been extinct for
" Nobody see him go out, sar, last night," report- many hours, and, on examination, it was found that
ed Mesty."                                     the poor old gentleman's neck was dislocated.
"Very likely, he is in his study," observed Dr,   It was surmised that the accident must have
Middleton; "he may have remained all night, fast taken place the evening before, and it was easy to
asleep, by his wonderful invention."            account for it. Mr. Easy, who had had the mal' I'lI go and see," replied Jack.           chine raised four feet higher, for the platform and
Dr. Middleton accompanied him, and Mesty fol- steps to be placed underneath, must have mounted
lowed. They opened the door, and beheld a spec- on the frame modelled by the carpenter for his
tacle which made them recoil with horror. There  work, and have fixed his head in, for the knob was
was Mr. Easy, with his head in the machine, the pressed on his bump of benevolence. The frame
platform below fallen from under him, hanging, work, hastily put together with a few short nails,
with his toes just touching the ground. Dr. Mid- had given way with his weight, and the sudden fall
dleton hastened to him, and, assisted by Mesty and had dislocated his neck.
A LITTLE TALK ABOUT BARTHOLOMEW  FAIR-PAST AND PRESENT.
BY ALBERT SMITH.
BY the time this sheet is in the hands of the  doir romancists of the present day, who write such
reader, Bartholomew Fair will be spoken of as a pretty stories with dove's quills and otto of roses,
festival that once was-an annual celebration, the  for the annuals. Next, we lost ourselves in a revaccount of which must henceforward be added, in  erie about the sly Rahere,-the founder of the
the shape of an appendix, to the succeeding edi- monastery and fair, and minstrel to Henry the
tions of Strutt's "Sports and Pastimes."  For a First,-who was in former days employed to tell
long period its health has been visibly declining, stories to royalty (an office, it would seem, not alfrom -the effects of a shattered and depraved con- together obsolete), and who once began one of so
stitution. The same year that beheld the abolition  great a length that he himself fell asleep in the
of the climbing-boys-who whilome peopled the  middle, and never finished it. Rahere, when he
locality whereon it was held, for their yearly ban- was sick, was frightened into this pious act by a
quet, when the kind-hearted Charles Lamb felt it supposed visitation of St. Bartholomew, and beno degradation to sup with them,-has also wit- came the first head of the priory, within whose
nessed the extinction of the ftte, to celebrate whose  walls the drapers and clothiers invited to the fair
return the " clergy imps" assembled amongst the  were allowed to lock up their wares every night.
cattle-pens, then and there to discuss the hissing  Anon, we allowed ourselves to be carried in dreamy
sausages and small ale,- which benevolence had  listlessness along the stream of time, until we were
provided for them.                             again halting, as we chuckled at the recollection of
Certainly better times and places for reflection  the humorous doings in the fair in the days of
might be found in London than Smithfield on a  " Rare  Ben Jonson,"-the puppet motions of
fair-day: and yet, we confess to have fallen into a Hero and Leander, altered from Sestos and Abydos
day-dream on the fifth of the past month, when we to Puddledock apd Bankside,-the Bartholomew
paid what will probably be our last visit to this de- pig, "roasted with fire o' juniper and rosemary
parted festival. We are indebted for our vision to  branches,"-the court of pie-poudre, the " well-edno romance of poetic situation. We were sitting  ucated ape," and the " hare that beat the tabor,"on the handle of a gaudily-painted hand-cart con- all hackneyed subjects to mouldy antiquaries, we
taining penny ginger-beer, by the side of a small allow; but, not being over-addicted to rummaging
perambulating theatre, which set forth " the vicis- dusty records and worm-eaten volumes, still intersitudes of a servant-maid;" and, in spite of the  esting to common-place every-day people like ourunceasing noise on every side, we could not desist selves. And lastly, we pictured the fair as we tad
from indulging in a mental daguerreotype of events known it in our own days, of which poor Hone has
connected with the fair and its localities.    left us so lively a specimen, and calling back some
We first called to mind the period when Smith- of the scenes we had therein witnessed, we began
field was "a plain, or smoothe fielde," from which  to think that the abolition was not altogether usecircumstance, according to old Fitzstephen, it de- less or disadvantageous.
rived its name; and when, instead of the London    Whether our reflections would now have taken a
butchers and country drovers, a gay train of gal- retrograde turn, and wandered back again to the
lant knights and tramping men-at-arms, whose har- days of the tournaments, we know not; but, havness gleamed in the sunlight of the glittering lists, ing arrived close upon the present period, we were
together with a bevy of smiling, fair-haired "damo- somewhat startled, upon wishing to use it, to find
sels" on their ambling palfreys, rode over its un- that our handkerchief had disappeared whilst we
paved area to join the tournaments there held. had been lost in our reveries; and, possibly, was
We pictured them  coming by "Gilt-spurre, or already fluttering before one of the neighboring
Knight-rider street,-so called because of the bandana-bazaars in Field-lane. Hereupon, we deterknights, who in quality of their honor wore gilt mined to give up ruminating in Smithfield, leaving
spurs, and who, with others, rode that way to the that process to those animals in the cattle-market
joustings and other feats of arms used in Smith- whose peculiar nature it is so to do; and having
field."  And then we thought what a fortune the risen from  our seat, and thanked the ginger-beer
events of these times would have been to the bou- man for the accommodation his wagon afforded, we




972                                BARTHOLOMEW  FAIR.
commenced making the tour of the fair, or rather, display of goods, guns, braces, gimlets, waistcoats,
the ground once allotted to it.                 saws, cruets,-in fact, specimens of almost every
There were no shows-no huge yellow caravans, thing ever manufactured.  The man was selling
or canvas pavilions, covered with wondrous repre- the goods by his own auction, and had a flow of
sentations of the marvels to be seen within: a few  ready low wit,-pure, unadulterated chaff-which
small portable theatres formed the leading exhibi- was most remarkable. We recollect a few of his
tions. One there was, to be sure, of higher pre- jokes, and these we chronicle to show the style of
tensions, into which, upon payment of one penny, his address, even at the risk of being again accused
we were permitted to enter. The proprietor of the  of " exhibiting the coarsest peculiarities of the
spectacle, who had pitched his theatre in the back- coarser classes, with such ultra accuracy."  But it
parlor of one of the houses near the Hospital-gate, is in the lower orders, according to our own nostood at the street-door, and informed us that the  tion, that the natural character of a people is to be
entertainment set forth " The Bay of Naples in its best discovered.
native grander with the percession of the Ingian    "Now, then, my customers," he exclaimed, admonarch and his elephint,-the sportsman and the  vancing to the front of the cart, " I'll tell you more
stag as walked like life-the wild duck and the  lies in five minutes than you can prove true in a
water-spanell, with the burning of Hamburg."    week. Now, missus," he continued, addressing a
Here was enough to see, so we entered forth- female in the crowd, "no winking at me to get
with, and wedged ourselves in the corner of a things cheap. My wife's in the cart, and she's as
room, small, and unpleasantly warm, where an au- sharp as the thick end of a pen'orth of cheese, as
dience of some five-and-twenty had already assem- ugly as sin, and not half so pleasant."
bled before a small proscenium, about twelve feet   A roar of laughter followed this sally as he took
high, having a painted drop-scene, which repre- up a saw.
sented, as nearly as we could make out the locali-    "Now, look here!-you never saw such a saw
ties, the Castle of Chillon moved to Virginia Wa- as this here saw is to saw in all the days you ever
ter, with Athens and Mont Blanc in the back- saw. This is a saw as will cut; —all you've got to
ground. After an Italian boy, who with his piano- do is to keep it back. If you was to lay this saw
organ formed the orchestra, had played " The days agin the root of a tree over night, and go home to
when we went gipsying," the drop rose, and dis- bed-"
covered the Bay of Naples, with surrounding build-   "Well, what then?" interrupted a fellow in the
ings, and something of a conical shape painted on  crowd, who wished to throw  the dealer off his
the back scene-theflat, we think it is technically  guard.
called-which we imagined to be a light-blue cot-   "Why," replied the man, "the chances are that
ton night-cap, with a long tassel, until informed  when you came in the morning you wouldn't find
that it depicted "Vesuvius-the burnin' mounting, it. Sold again!"
as it appears from the sea-shore."  When the ex-   There was another laugh, and the would-be wag
citement caused by the rising of the curtain had  slunk away very crest-fallen.
somewhat subsided, a little figure dressed like a    "Now, I'm  not going to take you in," he conTurk, shuffled rapidly across the front of the stage, tinned.  "If you don't like these things, come
moving his legs backwards and forwards, both at again to-morrow, and I shan't be here. I'll charge
once, and evidently by means of a crank connected  you a pound for the saw, and if you don't like
with the wheels he ran on, which were invisible to  that, I'll say fifteen shillings. Come,-you've got
the audience. Next, the "percession"commenced, faint hearts. Say twelve, ten, eight, five, three,
which was extremely imposing, and would have  one! —going for one!  I'll ask no more, and I'll
been much more so if the manager had been less take no less. Sold again, and got the money!"
hasty in taking the figures off, and putting them    He now turned and picked out a cheap accordion,
on other stands to go across again, which gave  upon which he played some common air, and then
them the appearance of being most unsteadily in- proceeded.
toxicated upon their second entree. Then, a little    "Now, look!-here's a young piece bf music:
man came on in a boat, and shot a duck, which  the appollonicon in St. Martin's Lane lays a dozen
the "spanell" swam after; and, finally, the ignition  every morning, and this is one of them. It's got
of some red fire at the foot of Vesuvius formed the  the advantage that, when you're tired of it, it will
burning of Hamburg, which conflagration was ex- blow  the fire or mend your shoes. May I be
ceedingly advantageous in rapidly clearing the  rammed, jammed, and slammed into the mouth of
room of the audience, by reason of its sulphurous a cannon, until I come out at the touchhole as thin
vapor.                                          as a dead rushlight, if it ain't cheap at five pound!
The principal traffic of the fair, beyond the bu- But I'll only take five shillings, and if that won't
siness transacted in gingerbread-husbands, and wax- do, I'll say one! Who's got the lucky shilling?"
dolls from fourpence to three shillings each, was   Not fifteen feet from the cart of this man there
monopolized by several men in tilted carts, who  was another similarly laden, and a constant fire of
were haranguing little mobs of people, and appa- salutations and mock abuse passed between the
rently disposing of their wares as fast as they could  two venders.  The merchant, however, in this
put them up for sale.                           case was a mere boy-he could not have been
There were such frequent bursts of laughter above fourteen, but carrying an expression of the
from the buyers, that we were attracted towards most precocious meaning we ever beheld. He was
one of these perambulating bazaars, in the hope of no whit inferior to his adversary in ready slang, as
participating in their merriment. The proprietor his following oration over a two-barrelled gun will
of the cart was a tall burly fellow, in a round hat testify:
and knee-breeches, something like an aristocratic    "There's a little flaw in the lock, to be sure; but
railway navigator, and the cart, in front of which  that don't hinder its going off. I sold the fellow
he stood, was covered all over with a most curious for two pound to a farmer in Leicestershire, and








'-7




THE LAUDANUM  PATIENT.                                    973
I'll tell you what it did. The first day he took it cles, or what was their original cost, we know not,
out, he fired one barrel, and killed six crows as he but we bought four pocket-knives, each containing
didn't see; he fired the second, and shot nine par- three blades, with very fair springs, and horn hantridges out of five, and the kick of the gun knocked  dies, for sixpence! We had a little conversation
him back'ards into a ditch, and he fell upon a hare  afterwards with the first-mentioned vendor, who
and killed that. These guns will shoot round a was, out of his rostrum, a quiet, intelligent person,
corner, and over a hay-rick; and they're used to  and he assured us that at Wolverhampton the orfatten the paupers that are turned out of the Unions dinary curry-combs of the shops were being made
for not paying the Income Tax. They load the  by families for ninepence a dozen, the rivets being
guns with fat bacon, and shoot it down their clenched and the teeth cut by mere infants.
throats."                                         Beyond these features there was little to notice;
Of course, this was a safe entamure for a laugh. — the vitality of the fair was evidently at its last
When he had done talking about the gun, which, gasp, and the civic authorities did not appear inhowever, he did not sell, he took up a whip, and, dined to act as a humane society for its resuscitacracking it two or three times in front of his cart, tion. A little trade was maintained by the sale of
recommenced:-                                   portable cholera, in the shape of green-gages; but
" Here's a whip, now, to make a lazy wife get up  the majority of the stalls were sadly in want of
of a morning, and make the kettle boil before the  customers. Even the Waterloo-crackers, unable to
fire's alight. It even makes my horse go, and he's go off in a commercial point of view, failed to do
got a weak constitution and a bad resolution; he go in a pyrotechnical one. Had we waited until
jibs going up hill, kicks going down, and travels on  midnight, when all became still, we might possibly
his knees on level ground. When he means to go, have beheld the shades of Richardson, Saunders,
he blows hisself out with the celebrated railroad  Polito, and Miss Biffin, with their more ancient
corn as sticks sideways in his inside, and tickles brethren, Fawkes the conjuror, and Lee, and Harhim into a trot. Who says a crown for this whip!" per, waiting amongst the pens, or gathering toThere did not appear much disposition to buy  gether their audiences of old in shadowy bands to
the article, so the seller commenced a fresh pane- people the fair once more, as Napoleon collects his
gyric.                                          phantom  troops in the Ohamps Elysaes, where,
"You'd better buy it: you won't have another since he has been buried in the Invalides, he must
chance. There never was but two made, and the  find it far more convenient to attend. But there
man died, and took the patent with him. He  was no inducement to stay until that period, and
wouldn't have made them so cheap, only he lived  we left the fair about twenty minutes after we enin a garret, and never paid his landlord, but when  tered it, having seen every thing that it contained,
he went home, always pulled the bottom  of the  and deeming ourselves fortunate in having been
house upstairs after him. If any man insults you, only once violently compelled to buy a pound of
I'll warrant this whip to flog him from  Newgate  gingerbread-nuts, by the sheer force of a young
into the middle of next year. Who says a crown?" lady who presided at the stall, and who appeared
There were two or three other carts of a similar in a state of temporary insanity, caused by the
description in different parts of Smithfield, but lack of customers and limited incomes of the mathese fellows evidently enjoyed the supremacy. jority of the visitors.
How many profits had to be made upon the arti-   SEPTEMBER 11, 1842.
THE LAUDANUM PATIENT.
BY ALBERT SMITH.
MR. CRIPPS was one of the best tempered men  and so kept very friendly with all. You could selat the hospital, wherein he filled the post of house- dom go into his room without finding one or two
surgeon, always ready for a piece of fun when there  of the choicest men in the medical school lolling
was any thing going on; and yet possessing suffi- about upon his chairs, and taking everlasting lunchcient tact and good sense to keep quiet when he  es; indeed his quarters appeared a perpetual scene
thought it necessary for the support of the true  of bread, cheese, and half-and-half, which were
dignity of his character. He was a universal favo- mingled upon the table in admirable confusion with
rite with all classes, both patients, surgeons and  scalpels, stethoscopes, bones, and manuals of surpupils; for he was kind to the first, attentive to the gery and anatomy.
second, and never refused to join in the amuse-   Mr. Cripps' rooms-or rather his room, for the
ments of the third, when not interfering with his bedchamber was only a long narrow accidental apown duties. He was, in fact, what every medical pendix to his sitting apartment-were on the first
student ought to be. Not on one side a careless floor of the hospital, and in the immediate vicinity
idler, who sneered at every thing connected with  of two of the wards. A strong smell of stale tostudy, and thought the chief happiness the world bacco pervaded the interior; and indeed it would
could give was to be found in a glass of brandy  have been much stronger had there been any thing
and water. Nor was he, on the other, one of those to retain it. But the carpet was so worn that it
intense potterers who haunt the hospitals year after appeared to have been turned the wrong side upyear, cringing to the officers, and thinking them- wards; and the pair of dingy window curtains had
selves above the pupils, with the sole hope of being in all probability been hanging there ever since the
at some very distant period elected assistant-surgeon  hospital was first chartered; and now assumed a
-an aspiration which is never gratified. But he, series of tints, varying in their color from  dirty
Mr. Cripps, combined the best qualities of the two, buff to dull red.




974                              THE LAUDANUM  PATIENT.
The furniture was admirably in keeping with the    "There only wants one thing to render all this
chamber, being dark with age, and of a fashion un- apparatus perfect," said Blake, as he looked round
known in the memory of the oldest second-hand  him.
broker in London. The chairs mostly suffered from  "And what's that?" asked Mr. Cripps.
rickets, and the sofa was particularly unsteady, in    "A twitch for the noses," replied Blake.
consequence of an unreduced dislocation of one of   "I don't quite know what you mean."
its four hip joints, which was gradually wearing    "A  twitch," returned Blake, "is a piece of
away a new socket for itself in a corner of the  broomstick with a string loop at the end, that you
squab that formed its seat. There was an ancient put over colts' noses, and screw up tight when they
bureau, in which Cripps kept his books; but the  run rusty at being singed. or put into harness. You
piece of furniture had lost its turned legs, which  would find it a capital remedy for epistaxis."
were sfpposed to have mortified at a period lost in    "I don't doubt it," answered Cripps;'"indeed, I
antiquity; and now it stood by being propped up  think it would be a valuable addition to surgery.
against the ledge of the wainscot behind, and was By the way, I've formed a beautiful diagnosis
in consequence christened by Mr. Cripps his " up- lately."'holsterous biped."  One of its doors suffered from  "What about?" asked Blake.
paralysis of the hinges; and the other had an arti-   " Between various accidents," returned the houseficial joint, ingeniously made from  an old bent surgeon.  "For instance, broken legs always come
probe, which allowed it to close and open with tol- on a shutter; fractured ribs in a patent cab; and
erable facility.  The windows commanded a fine dislocated shoulders usually walk."
view of the hospital garden, with its perambulat-    "And what good does that do you?"
ing patients, consisting of convalescent amputa-' Oh, nothing particular-only if you see a cations, ameliorated squints, recovered operations for sualty coming, you know what it is, and what to
club feet, and last stages but one of edema, who  get ready."
were perpetually crawling up and down its for-    " Then you had better be looking after your apmal walks, and over the parallelogram of hard black  paratus now," said Blake, " for here's an accident
earth, which was by courtesy denominated the  coming in."
grass-plat. This area was bounded by the backs of   In confirmation of his statement, a crowd of
the houses in the adjacent streets; all of whose  dirty little boys, surrounding a group of three peroccupants evinced indomitable perseverance in  sons, the middle one of whom was being supported
eternally washing their things at home, and then  by the other two, crossed the court to the hospital,
displaying them upon poles from their windows, and came up to the surgery. As the nurse opened
where they fluttered all day long. By much obser- the door to admit them, the whole posse pressed
vation, Mr. Cripps had become acquainted with a forwards to obtain entrance with the patient; and
great deal of the domestic economy practised by  the place would have been certainly carried by
his neighbors, through these signals.  He knew  storm had not Blake gone to the assistance of the
perfectly when to look out for the appearance of  nurse, and vigorously repelled the assailants with a
the patchwork quilt, on the third floor of No. 12; straw junk-an instrument used in the treatment
and he discovered that the back attic of No. 7 pos- of fractures, and which he liberally dealt about the
sessed two pairs of sheets, which were washed in  heads of the intruders.
turns, being recognized by sundry patches and re-    "Now, then, missus,-what is it?" asked Cripps,
pairs.                                          when Blake had succeeded in closing the door and
He was sitting one morning in the surgery, wait- bolting it, addressing himself to a woman who had
ing for some out-door patients to arrive, when the  come in with the patient.
door opened, and Mr. Blake, a pupil of the hospital,    " He's pisened himself with lodnum!" was the
having first thrust in a small portion of his head to  reply. Whereupon she began to moan after the
see that the coast was clear, propelled therest of most approved manner of poor people in a dilemhis body after it, and saluted Cripps with a wink of ma, thinking that she should have lived to have
the right eye, intended to express the compliments seen the day, and recollecting it was only last night
of the morning.                                 he was saying, he meant to join the blessed Tempe"What's the news, Cripps?" was the first ques- rance.
tion.                                             "When did he take it?" asked Cripps, feeling
" Little enough from me," returned his friend. in his waistcoat pocket for the key of his stomach" My opinion of a house-surgeon is, that he's two  pump.
degrees worse off than a prisoner in the Queen's   "Why, docthor," rejoined the woman, "last
Bench."                                         January twelvemonth -"
"Well, you have not much longer to stay," re-   "When!" interrupted Blake, with some astonplied Blake, seating himself at the table, and play- ishment.
ing with some tooth instruments.' What a room    "Last January twelvemonth," continued the woof torture this is!" he continued, after a momen- man, "there was a benefit soeiety formed at the
tary gaze around the surgery, and at the different Corner Pin public house, and the members has some
objects hanging about.                          scursions on board the steam-boats   "
There certainly was a great display of all kinds    "My good woman," said Cripps; "I asked you
of articles, that any one skilled in the art of ingen- when he took it;-can't you give me a simple aniously tormenting would have delighted to contem- swer?"
plate.  Gags for obstinate poison-takers; keys,   " I don't know, I don't know!" cried the woman,
elevators, forceps, and punches for the odontalgists: wringing the corner of her apron, as if she labored
caustic for touching up refractory excrescences; under a belief that it was wet.'"All I can tell is,
long savage-looking bistouries; deeply-insinuating  I'd been into Mrs. Watts' to help her wash, and
probes, and scalpels; with knives, lancets, and di- when I come back the room was locked, and I
rectors of every size and capacity.             looked through the keyhole, and there he was a sit



THE LAUDANUM  PATIENT.                                 975
ting in an arm-chair with his hands hanging down    "How  are you, old fireworks?l' asked Blake,
just like a corpse. Oh dear! oh dear! what shall when they got out of earshot.
I do?"                                         "I'm the marquis of Herne Bay, there and back;
"What makes you think he has taken lauda- and Prince George of Peckham and Camberwell,"
num?" asked Blake.                           growled the man, in the true accents of intoxica"I found this bottle on the floor," said the wo- tion.
man, producing an irregularly-shaped green phial   "Yes, yes! we know all that," said Blake.
with letters blown on it, and labelled " Laubanum  "Don't you think a little dash of Preissnitz would
poi-son."                                     do him good, Cripps?"
" I don't think that's opium," said Blake, smelling    " 1 should say so, decidedly," replied the housethe bottle; " it's more like lacquer for brass work." surgeon; " and if I have a preference, it should be
"' He's evidently in a state of coma," replied fresh from the pump."
Cripps; "and his breathing is any thing but what   Fortunately for their good intentions, there was
I should like mine to be. Well, there's only one a pump in the garden, principally used for the purplan-I suppose I had better perform a solo on the pose of irrigating the esculent vegetables which
stomach-pump."                                grew there for the consumption of the matron,
"And then we'll give him a promenade without secretary, and house-apothecary; as well as for
the concert, in the garden, to keep him awake," strengthening weak ligaments, and relaxed joints
added Blake. " Get a basin, Surgery, and some by its bracing stream. Towards this point, Blake
warm water."                                  and Cripps conducted their patient, and seating him
"I think he's been sitting in the sun a little too  opposite to it, upon the ground, propped up by the
-much," observed the nurse addressed as'Surgery,' garden-roller, the first named gentleman worked at
with a knowing assent, as she tilted the kettle, im- the handle, whilst the latter interrupted the stream
plying by that delicate metaphor that the man was with his hand, jerking it copiously into the face of
drunk.                                        their victim, until he was wet through and through.
The stomach-pump was soon in action, and the    "Now, I think we had better dry him," said
result convinced the students that there was a great Blake, when they had persevered in this innocent
deal more gin than laudanum in what the patient recreation about five minutes.  Upon which-in
had taken. At the conclusion of the performance, spite of the struggles and remonstrances of the
the man appeared a little relieved. He opened his man, who having been in reality only dead-drunk,
eyes, rolled them heavily about, gave a sulky grunt, was coming to his senses again very quicklyand tried to raise himself from the chair.    Cripps and his companion took him by the arms,
"Do you think he'll recover, docthor?" asked and ran him round and round the garden, until
the woman.                                    nearly every bit of breath was out of his body,;
" I think so," said Cripps; " but he will require and they themselves quite overcome with fatigue.
great care. Now, we must mind that he does not   " Will you ever do it again?" asked Cripps, with
go to sleep again; and for that purpose he must be as serious a face as he could command.
walked gently round the garden."                " Never, no more, s'help me eversomuch," was
"' You can stay here until we return," said Blake the answer.  "I'll be a teetotaller,-if I don't
to the woman. And then, supporting the patient I'm    "
with Cripps' aid, they led him into the garden.  "Hush!" cried Blake, gravely. "Recollect how.rlr                              ni~             IO
I~~~~~~Tn\




9 76                           DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE.
you have been snatched from the jaws of death by    "I was with a dentist once," replied Blake; "and
our united efforts. How came you to get drunk so we used it to set off the brass things that he kept in
early in the morning?"                       a little case on his street-door post, and made the
" It's all along of the scursion as I was steward people believe they were gold."
for," replied the man. "I had the grog to keep   The man being pronounced recovered, was now
and couldn't help it."                        led back to the surgery. He departed in a short
"And how did you come by this bottle?" asked time with the woman, accompanied by the cheers
Cripps, taking the laudanum phial from his pocket. of such little boys as had waited outside the whole
"I keeps lacquer in it," was the answer; " I'm  time, and looking very pale and repentant.  It
a gilder by trade."                           seems, however, that the ordeal he had undergone
"I said it was!" cried Blake, quite delighted at was not without its effect; for, three days afterhis prognosis; " I knew it all the while."    wards, Blake saw him with a high clean shirt-collar,
"How the deuce did you know what lacquer and a blue bow on his hat, entering the Tempewas?" asked Cripps.                          rance Coffee House, which was close to the hospital.
DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE.
BY ALBERT SMITH.
THERE are two sets of people in society —the happened-authors who have written a book which
amusers and the amused, who are both equally use- has proved a hit by chance, to the astonishment of
ful in their way, although widely different in their every body, and no one more than the writersattributes. A reunion, to go off well, should con- acquaintances who have the happy knack of cortain a proper share of either class; because, not- dially agreeing with you upon every subject, and
withstanding the inability of the latter to contribute applauding every thing you do, thinking quite difmuch to the festivity of the meeting, they make an ferently all the while-worn out "bits of quality
excellent and patient audience, without which the tumbled into decay," as Miss Lucretia M'Tab says,
powers of the amusers are cramped, and they feel who honor families of questionable caste with their
they are not sufficiently appreciated.        acquaintance, and join all their parties by the tenor
Why all people, enjoying the same level of intel- of relating stories of bygone greatness, and random
lect, should not be equally sought after in society  recollections of defunct high circles; all these and
we do not pretend to decide; but we will endeavor many more, had we time to enumerate them, are
to account for it by falling back upon our theatrical " delightful people."  But we proceed to consider
analogies. If you study the playbills, you see, year the class that it is our wish to place more especialafter year, the same names amongst the companies ly under the inspection of the reader.
who keep at the same humble standard; whilst   We called one day upon a lady of our acquaintothers, whom you recollect as their inferiors, ulti- ance, who was about to give a large evening party;
mately arrive at big letters and benefits-in fact, and upon being ushered into the drawing-room,
that chance, tact, forte, and opportunity, come found the whole family in high glee at the contents
spontaneously to the latter, whilst the former are of a note they had just received. Our intimacy
content to remain servants and peasants. They prompted us to inquire the purport of the oblong
have been known to embody guests and mobs, and billet that had so much delighted them.
have sometimes arrived at first citizens; but this is   "Oh!" said Ellen, the eldest daughter, "the
by no means a common occurrence. The same Lawsons have accepted-all of them are coming!"
union of circumstances that divides a theatrical   "And who are the Lawsons?" we ventured to
commonwealth into stars and supernumaries, pro- ask.
duces in our own circles delightful people and no-   "My goodness, Albert!" exclaimed every body
bodies - for so are the listeners and admirers at once, with an excitement which nearly caused
generally and uncourteously termed.           us, being of a nervous temperament, to tilt backBut there are various kinds of delightful people wards off the apology for a chair on which we were
beyond the mere entertainers. If there is a family seated-one of those slim rickety specimens of
rather higher in life than yourselves, or moving in upholstery, which inspire stout gentlemen with such
a sphere you think more of than your own, not- nervous dread, when one is handed to them. "Is
withstanding they may have formerly snubbed you, it possible you don't know the Lawsons?"
it is astonishing, when you get introduced to them,   We confessed with shame our ignorance of the
and at last asked to their house, what delightful parties in question.
people you find them. If you know two young    "They are such delightful people," continued the
persons who have tumbled into an engagement second female olive-branch, Margaret. "We were
with one another, under tolerably favorable cireum- so afraid they would not come, because they are
stances, and visit each other's friends for the first almost always engaged; so we sent their invitation
time, you will be enchanted with the accounts of nearly a month ago."
what " delightful people" they are; how very    " And you have only just received their reply?"
friendly the mother was, and how well the sisters we subjoined. " It looks as if they had waited for
played, and made colored-paper dust-collectors. something else that didn't come."
Persons who have large houses, give dinners, and    "Oh, no," said Ellen, almost offended. "Mrs.
keep carriages and private boxes-gentlemen who Lawson is always so charmed with every thing at
have been all along the coast of the Mediterranean, our house, and says our parties are always so pleasand tell most extraordinary anecdotes, until they  ant, and that we manage things so well."
themselves really believe that their adventures have    "And she told me, the last time she was here,"




DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE.                                        977
they had come at last. We were sorry to find their
pretty lips could let out such little falsehoods, and
with such excellent grace.
Friday evening arrived, as in the common course
of things every Friday evening must do if you wait
for it; and about ten o'clock, after a shilling's-worth
of shake, rattle, and altercation, we alighted from. a cab at our friends' house, and tripped into the lii UXSj _k___         brary, where tea and coffee were going on, with a
lightness that only dress boots and white kids can
inspire. Several visitors were there before us, as
well as one of Margaret's brothers, who said, in a
low voice, as we entered
"Mv dear friend, let me introduce you to some
delightful people. Mrs. Lawson, allow me to present to you Mr. — "
" Will you take tea or coffee, Sir 2" said the maid,
at the same time.
We were so overcome with being thus suddenly
pq''=-[                      confronted with the stars, that we think we bowed
___~iI _     =     ___=          to the maid, and said we were happy to make her
acquaintance; and merely exclaimed, "Coffee, if
you please," as Mrs. Lawson inclined her head to
added Margaret, "that she could not have believed  ourselves.
the whole of the supper was made at home, if she    We went up stairs, and entered the ball-room,
had not been told. And I am sure she liked it be- where our friends had just received intelligence that
cause she ate so much."                         " the Lawsons had arrived!"
" And what does this family do to make them so    The first portion of a party is always the same.
delightful?" we inquired.                      And it was not until the evening was somewhat ad"Oh, almost every,thing," said Ellen. "Mr. vanced, and they had made sure that every body
Lawson plays an admirable rubber, and Mrs. Law- was arrived, that the powers of the Lawsons came
son knows nearly all the great people of the day, into full play,-at least, as regarded the young
and can tell a great deal of their private histories. people; for the governor had been at whist ever
Bessy is a perfect Mrs. Anderson on the piano, and  since he first arrived, and Mrs. Lawson's feathers
Cynthia    "                                    were ubiquitously perceptible, waving and bending
"Who?" we interrupted, somewhat rudely.      apparently in every part of the room  at once;
"Cynthia-isn't it a pretty name? She is such  talking to all the old ladies in turn, fishing for coma delightful girl —sings better than any one you  pliments for her own daughters by admiring theirs,
ever heard in private."                         and smiling, with angelic benignity, upon every
"Then, Tom is such an oddity, and such a nice  young man concerning whose expectations she had
fellow," continued Margaret.  "He imitates Ma- been agreeably informed. The junior exhibition
cready and Buck~tone, so that you would not know  commenced by Bessy delighting ~he company with
the difference, and sings the drollest songs! He  a rondo by Hertz, in the most approved skyrocket
can whistle just like a bird, play tunes upon a stick, style of that great master; being a Parisian compoand conjure with rout-cakes at supper."         sition, introducing variations upon the popular airs,
"'And you should hear him  do the two cats, " Rien, mes bons enfans, allez toujours," "La Pierre
where he makes you believe that they talk real de Newgate," and " Joli Nez,', from the opera of
words!" chimed in Ellen.                       Jacque Sheppard. As it was not above twenty pages
"And what is this wonder?" we asked.         in length, every one was quite charmed,-indeed,
"He's a lawyer," said Ellen; "but I don't think  they could almost have heard it again; and the
he much likes his profession."                  manner in which Miss Lawson sprung at the keys,
We thought so too. No man who did the two  and darted up and down the fiats and sharps, and
cats, or imitated Macready and Buckstone, ever did  twitched her shoulders, and tickled the piano into
like his profession, unless he was an actor at once.  convulsions, and jerked,about upon the music-stool,
"You will see them here on Friday," said Mar- was really astonishing, and thunderstruck every
garet, " and then you can form your own opinions; body; except the young lady and gentleman who
but I am certain you will like them. Hark! there's were flirting at the end of the room after a waltz,
a double knock at the door."                    and actually appeared more engaged with their own
"Don't peep at the window, Margaret; they will conversation than they did with the fair Bessy's
see you," said Ellen to her sister, who was endeav- performance, which at last concluded amidst unioring to discover who the visitors were by taking a versal applause.
covert observation through the bars of a birdcage.    There was another quadrille, and then we were
"It's those horrid Wiltons!" exclaimed Marga- informed that Miss Cynthia Lawson was going to
ret.  "Do ring again, Ellen.  What a singular sing. The young lady was dressed in plain white
thing it is, servants are never in the way when a robes, with her hair smoothed very fiat round her
double knock comes at the door."                head d la Grisi, whom she thought she resembled
The new-comers entered the room, and at the  both in style of singing and features, and consesame time we left: not, however, before our fair quently studied all her attitudes from the clever
young friends had told "those horrid Wiltons"  Italian's impersonation of Norma. Of course, there
how angry they were with them  for not calling  was the usual delay attendant upon such displays.
more frequently, and how delighted they felt now  The musicians had to be cleared away from the




978                             DEL:IGHTFUL PEOPLE.
piano, in which process their winebottle was knocked over; then the
music was in a portfolio, in the room                               LUTHE
dowtl stairs, which nobody could
find; when found, it was all placed
on the music-rest topsy-turvy; and
many other annoyances. At last,  N
the lady began a bravura, upon such
a high note, and so powerful, that
some impudent fellows in the square,
who were passing at the time, sang    /    E
out, " Vari-e-ty!" in reply. Presently, a young gentleman, who was
standing at her side, chanced to turn
over too soon, whereupon she gave
him such a look, that, if he had en-    - __  _
tertained any thoughts of proposing,
would effectually have stopped any   v
such rash proceeding; but her equanimity was soon restored, and she
went through the aria in most dashing style, until she came to the last
note, whose appearance she heralded with a roulade of wonderful execution.
" Now, don't get up," said the lady                   __
of the house, in a most persuasive
and winning manner, to Miss Cynthia, when she had really concluded.
"Do favor us with one more, if you are not too fa- ful person, Sir-woman of the world -appears to
tigued. Or, perhaps you would like a glass of wine have- been thrown early into good society, and profirst-a very, very little glass."              fited by it. Clever fellow that young Lawson-ha!
The young lady declined any refreshment, and  ha! —look at him!" And the old gentleman chuckimifediately commenced a duet with her brother, led until he was almost choked.
whose voice, however, she entirely drowned; never-   We turned to gaze at the cause of his mirth,
theless, the audience were equally delighted, and as and saw Tom doing Pastorale in a most ballet-like
soon as she had regularly concluded, and the mur- style, jumping up and coming down upon one toe,
mur of approbation had ceased, six young men  turning round without touching the ground, and
rushed up to Ellen, with the request that they might making every body afraid of coming within a yard
be introduced to Mis Lawson for the next waltz. of him.
But, unfortunately, Miss Lawson did not waltz, or   There are many worse periods in our existence
rather she did not l-':oose to do so. She was aware than the twenty minutes consumed at supper at an
of her liability;o oe called upon to sing after every  evening party. The reserve which prevailed at the
dance, and she had no notion of sitting down to  commencement of the evening begins to wear off;
the instrument with a red face and flustered ensern- you gain courage to make engagements for the first
ble.                                            quadrille after supper, and think what a pity it is
"Delightful people, those Lawsons!" wheezed  that the flight of time cannot be delayed by pleasout a fat old gentleman in pumps and a white neck- ure, with permission to make up his lost moments
cloth, who was leaning against the wall, and look- by hurrying doubly quick over periods of sorrow
ing as if he wanted a glass of ale.             or ennui. Alas! the hoary old mower generally
"Do you know them, Sir?" we asked.          takes it into his head to act in precisely an opposite
" Never had the pleasure of meeting them before, manner.
but they are a charming family. Mother a delight-   We went down to supper with a pretty specimen
of feminine mortality, in white poplin, on our arm,
and assisted her to a cubic inch of blancmange, and
an homeopathic quantity of Moselle, which she
affirmed was quite sufficient; as well as took the'~J Ad' ^       S            g precaution'to push the tongue to the other side of..'~( >>     | the table. opposite a man who had taken off his
gloves to eat, and who was immediately "troubled
f0' <g\.g    | for a slice" fifteen times in rapid succession. By
(  the way, talking of taking off your gloves-what
is the reason that, whenever you go out, and wish
your hands to look more than ordinarily white, they
generally resemble raw beefsteaks?
Our devozrs being for the time accomplished, we
looked round the room, and the first object that
caught our eye between the lines of wax-candles
and trifle-dishes was Mrs. Lawson's turban, with
herself attached to it, bobbing about at the head
of the table, in most graceful affability to every




DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE.                                    979'
body. Miss Lawson was flirting with a slink young    The " delightful people " left about half-past two;
man at the sideboard, where she preferred to sup, Mrs. Lawson declaring her'girls went out.so much
on the pretence of not being able to find a seat; that their health began to suffer from late hours.
and Miss Cynthia, no doubt much fatigued by her Tom saw them into their carriage, and then came
vocal exertions, was concluding the second patty, back, pressing every other young man in the room to
and thinking what she should send her cavalier ser- come to some tavern where there was a capital
vente for, next. Tom was in the centre of the table, comic singer; but finding no one so inclined, he
in high glee, chirping at a sugar-plum bird in a also took his leave. We waited until we saw the
barley-sugar cage, jerking bonbons into his mouth  man who played the piano hammering away with
by slapping his hand, making little men out of rai- his eyes shut, and gradually going to sleep over the
sins and preserved ginger, and sending them  to  keys, when we thought it time to depart ourselves;
different young ladies, with his compliments; play- and in all the happiness of a latch-key in our pocking the cornet-a-piston upon a wafer-cake, "and  et, and the same good hat we left in the hall upon
many other performances too numerous to men- our head, we bent our steps homeward.
tion," as they say at outside shows.              Two or three weeks passed away, when one
" My dear Mrs. Howard," said Mrs. Lawson to  morning we received an application from a young
the hostess, "how delicious every thing is!  You  medical friend, to use our interest in obtaining for
always do have such very fine lobsters-where do him some votes for the situation of surgeon to a
you contrive to get them?"                     dispensary in the neighborhood, accompanied by a
"I am very happy you admire them," returned  list of the governors. We obtained two or three
the lady, " but I really don't know."  Which affir- promises, and at last determined to solicit Mr. Lawmation was the more singular, as she had ordered  son, whose name we saw in the list: at the same
them herself from a shop in Wigmore Street.     time, we must confess that we were not a little anx"Lady Mary Abbeville and yourself are the only  ious to see the "delightful people" at home-to
two of my friends who contrive to get large lob- track these lions to their own lair, and watch their
sters," continued Mrs. Lawson. "Lady Mary is a natural instincts.  We accordingly sallied forth,
charming creature-do you know her?"           one fine day, in all the pride of unexceptionable
" I have not that pleasure," replied our friend; boots and faultless gloves, and arriving at the fam"and yet I have heard the irame somewhere."    ily mansion, knocked at the door. A footman in
"Between Boulogne and Paris," cried Tom, as he his shirt sleeves ran out into the area, and having
exploded a cracker bonbon. " The diligence dines looked at us, ran back again; appearing the next
there."                                        minute at the door, with one arm still forcing its
"Now, my dear Tom, do not be so foolish," said way down the sleeve of his coat. We found the
Mrs. Lawson, in a tone of admiring reproach. " How  Lawsons were at home, and were shown into the
can a diligence dine?"                         drawing-room, with the assurance from the servant
"Well, I've seen it break-fast, however, when it that his mistress would be there directly. After
has been going down a hill, over-loaded," replied  looking over the card-basket, to see whom they
the "talented" son. "A glass of wine, Sir?" he  knew, (which is one of our favorite employments
continued, pitching upon some one opposite by  when we are left to ourselves in a strange house,)
chance, to make his wit appear off-hand.       we turned over the leaves of some albums that were
The challenged individual was an overgrown  lying about, in company with some theological
young gentleman, with a very high shirt-collar. He works, which, being an enemy to religious display,
stammered out, "With much pleasure!" and then  we thought far better suited for the closet than the
filling up his half glass of sherry from the nearest drawing-room table; and in which occupation we
decanter at hand, which contained port, he made a were interrupted by the sound of voices in angry
nervous bow, and swallowed the wine as if it had  dialogue below. This was suddenly cut short by
been physic.                                   the slamming of a door, and immediately afterwards
"Here's you and I, Sir, and two more; but we Mrs. Lawson entered the room, looking a little red
won't tell their names," exclaimed Tom, winking to  and excited, but all smiles and condescension; begthe young gentleman, whose blushes increased to a ging we would be seated, and telling us how very
fearful pitch of intensity.                    happy she was that we had called upon her.
The ladies had been gradually leaving the room    After a few common-place observations and infor the last ten minutes, and when they had all de- quiries about the weather, the health of the family,
parted we sat down to our own supper. Tom never the party we had lately met, and such-like exciting
once flagged in his drolleries. He laughed, took wine topics of conversation, Mrs. Lawson informed us
with all the old gentlemen, did the two cats, imitat- her family were at luncheon, and begged we would
ed Macready and Buckstone-in fact, opened all his join them. A strong smell of roast mutton greetstores of facetiousness. He accompanied us up- ed us as we descended to the dining-room, and
stairs, and after the ladies had finished the long  tempted us to think that it was an early dinner.
quadrille they were having with themselves, he We expected to have been kept in a state of unsang a song about "Wanted" a something, we do ceasing laughter throughout the whole meal, but
not exactly recollect what; being ourselves engaged  were very much mistaken. We had not anticipated
in talking delightful absurdities to the belle in the  any immense fun from the papa Lawson, who was
white poplin, and endeavoring to reason down the  quietly enough discussing some bread and cheese;
antediluvian ideas she had formed, that it was im- but, as the facetious Tom was there, and his gifted
proper to waltz with any one else but her brother; sisters, we calculated upon a repetition, in a certain
in which argument we finally succeeded. However, degree, of their previous amusing powers. There
the song was eminently successful, and threw every  was, however, nothing of the kind; the whole
body who witnessed the odd grimaces with which  party were as flat as the jug of beer that has been
Tom accompanied it into delirious convulsions of left out for supper, covered with a cheese-plate, on
laughter.                                      returning from  the play.  Bessy had evidently




980                      PHYSIOLOGY OF THE MEDICAL STUDENT.
been quarrelling with her sister; Cynthia contra- off when they are out, the more cross they always
dieted her mother on every point or affirmation  are at home the next day."
that Mrs. Lawson uttered; Tom sat back in his   In these few words was contained the whole hischair, with his hands in his pocket, and his legs tory of " delightful people "-the melancholy truth,
stretched out straight under the table; and the  that those who in society carry all before them by
good lady herself kept up such an' alternation of their spirits and acquirements are, at home, the
smiles to us and black looks to the young people, most uncomfortable beings upon the face of the
that her command of countenance was perfectly  earth, because they cannot there find the very exmarvellous. At first, we thought it probable that citement which is almost necessary to their existence.
they were all recovering from influenza; but they    We have met the Lawsons several times since,
looked so very healthy that we soon relinquished  and we have begun to find that their attractions
that opinion. They were, however, so very quiet, sadly want variety. Mrs. Lawson tells the same
that when they retired, and we had mentioned the  anecdotes, Bessy plays the same fantasias, Cynthia
object of our visit to Mr. Lawson, who was a sensi- warbles the identical arias we last heard, and Tom
ble man, (if the others had let him alone,) we sum- has a certain routine of tricks and absurdities,
moned up courage to say that we feared we had in- which he plays off in regular order during the eventruded during some family discussion.           ing. We begin to weary of these lions; although,
" My dear Sir," he replied, " we never have any  at every reunion where it is our lot to meet them,
thing else but family discussions here. I dare say  there are the same number of guests charmed at
you are surprised to see them  so different from  their talents, who never hesitate to pronounce them
what they are in company; but the more they show  most " delightful people."
PHYSIOLOGY OF THE MEDICAL STUDENT.
BY ALBERT SMITH.
OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS.            young men are seated round a long table covered
ONE fine morning, in the October of the third  with baize, in the centre of whom an intellectualwinter session, the student is suddenly struck by  looking man, whose well-developed forehead shows
the recollection that at the end of the course the  the amount of knowledge it can contain, is intertime will arrive for him to be thinking about un- rogating by turns each of the students, and endergoing the ordeals of the Hall and College. deavoring to impress the points in question on their
Making up his mind, therefore, to begin studying  memories by various diverting associations. Each
in earnest, he becomes apro tempore member of a of his pupils, as he passes his examination, furtemperance society, pledging himself to abstain  nishes him with a copy of the subjects touched
from  immoderate beer for six months: he also  upon; and by studying these minutely, the private
purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and  teacher forms a pretty correct idea of the general
Steggall's Manual; and then, contriving to accu- run of the "Hall questions."
mulate five guineas to pay a "'grinder," he routs    "Now, Mr. Muff," says the gentleman to one of
out his old note-books from the bottom of his box, his class, handing him a bottle of something which
and commences to " read for the Hall."         appears like specimens of a chestnut colt's coat afAspirants to honors in law, physic, or divinity, ter he had been clipped; "what's that, sir?"
each know the value of private cramming-a pro-   " That's cow-itch, sir," replies Mr. Muff.
-cess by which their brains are fattened, by absti-   " Cow what?  You must call it at the Hall by
nence from liquids and an increase of dry food, its botanical name —Dolichos pruriens. What is it
(some of it very dry,) like the livers of Strasbourg  used for?"
geese. There are grinders in each of these three    "To strew  in people's beds that you owe a
professional classes; but the medical teacher is the  grudge to," replies Muff; whereat all the class
man of the most varied and eccentric knowledge. laugh, except the last comer, who takes it all for
Not only is he intimately acquainted with the dif- granted, and makes a note of the circumstance in
ferent branches required to be studied, but he is his interleaved manual.
also master of all their minutiae. In accordance    "That answer would floor you," continues the
with the taste of the examiners, he learns and im- grinder.  " The dolichos is used to destroy worms.
parts to his class at what degree of heat water How does it act, Mr. Jones?" going on to the next
boils in a balloon-how the article of commerce, pupil-a man in a light cotton cravat and no shirtPrussian blue, is more easily and correctly defined  collar, who looks very like a butler out of place.
as the Ferrosesquicyanuret of the Cyanide of Potas-   " It tickles them to death, sir," answers Mr. Jones.
siunm-why the nitrous oxide, or laughing gas, in-   " You would say it acts mechanically," observes
fluences people to make such asses of themselves; the grinder.  " The fine points stick into the worms
and, especially, all sorts of individual inquiries, and kill them. They say'Is this a dagger which
which, if continued at the present rate, will range  I see before me?' and then die. Recollect the
from " Who discovered the use of the spleen?" to  dagger, Mr. Jones, when you go up. Mr. Manhug,
"Who killed Cock Robin?" for aught we know. what do you consider the best sudorific, if you
They ask questions at the Hall quite as vague as wanted to throw a person into a perspiration?"
these.                                           Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishIt is twelve o'clock at noon. In a large room, es, in rather an abrupt manner, a song he was humornamented by shelves of bottles and preparations, ming, sotto voce, having some allusion to a peer
with varnished prints of medical plants and cases who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having
of articulated bones and ligaments, a number of passed a night at a house of public entertainment




PHYSIOLOGY OF THE MEDICAL STUDENT.                               981!iil!!  li. 
then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at the other pu- Hall: they think it shows a ready invention in
pils, as much as to say, "See me tackle him now;" emergency. Mr. Newcome, you have heard the
and replies, "The gallery door of Covent Garden  last question and answer?"
on Boxing-night."                                 "Yes, sir," says the fresh arrival, as he finishes
"Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug," making a note of it.
continues the teacher; "what else is likely to an-   "Well; you are sent for, to a man who has
swer the purpose?"                             hung himself. What would be your first endeav"I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely- or?"
Place knockers on your arm, and three policemen    " To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shoveI,"
on your heels, might have a good effect," answers mildly observes Mr. Newcome; whereupon the class
Mr. Manhug.                                    indulges in a hearty laugh, and Mr. Newcome blush"Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you  es as deep as the red bull's-eye of a New Road docgo on at this rate?" observes the teacher, in a tone  tor's lamp.
of mild reproach.                                 " What would you do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you
" Not a doubt of it, sir," returns the imperturba- can inform Mr. Newcome."
ble Manhug. "I've passed it twenty tines within    "Cut him  down, sir," answers the indomitable
this last month, and did not find any very great dif- farceur.
ficulty about it; neither do I expect to, unless they    "Well, well," continues the teacher; " but we
block up Union Street and Water Lane."          will presume he has been cut down. What would
The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless you strive to do next?"
case, and goes on to the next. "Mr. Rapp, they    "Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an
will be very likely to ask you the composition of  order for a post mortem examination."
the compound gamboge pill: what is it made of?"   " We have had no chemistry this morning," obMr. Rapp hasn't the least idea.              serves one of the pupils.
"Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia,   "Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it
aloes, ginger, and soap-C, A, G, S,-cags. Recol- if you wish. How would you endeavor to detect
lect Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you  the presence of gold in any body?"
were sent for to a person poisoned by oxalic acid?"    "By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir," in"Give him some chalk," returns Mr. Rapp.     terrupts Mr. Manhug.
"But suppose you had not got any chalk, what   " If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug," obwould you substitute?"                        serves Mr. Jones, "he'd be sure to lend it-oh,
"Oh, any thing; pipeclay and soapsuds."      yes!-I should rather think so, certainly," where"Yes, that's all very right; but we will presume  upon Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the
you could not get any pipeclay and soapsuds; in  thumb of his right hand, and moves his fingers as
fact, that there was nothing in the house. What if he was performing a concerto on an imaginary
would you do then?"                           one-handed flageolet.
Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the    "Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an
table-" Let him die and be *!"             element and a compound body?"
"Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you    Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignoto be more steady," interrupts the professor. rance.
" You would strape the ceiling with the fire-shovel,   " A compound body is composed of two or more
would you not? Plaster contains lime, and lime is eleihents," says the grinder, "in various proporan antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They  tions. Give me an example, Mr. Jones'"
63




982                     PHYSIOLOGY OF THE MEDICAL STUDENT.
"Half-and-half is a compound body, composed last I found myself at the large gate of New
of the two elements, ale and porter, the proportion  Square, Lincoln's Inn, so I knocked until the porof the porter increasing in an inverse ratio to the  ter opened it, and drove in as straight as I could.
respectability of the public house you get it from," When I got to the corner of the square, by No. 7,
replies Mr. Jones.                             I pulled up, and, tumbling off my perch, walked
The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmaco- quietly along to the Portugal Street wicket. Here
pceia, says, "I see here directions for evaporating  the other porter let me out, and I found myself in
certain liquids'in a water-bath.' Mr. Newcome, Lincoln's Inn's Fields."
what is the most familiar instance of a water-bath    " And what became of the cab?" asks Mr. Jones.
you are acquainted with?"                        " How should I know?-it was no affair of mine.
"In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen  I dare say the horse made it right; it didn't matStreet and Drury Lane," returns Mr. Newcome.    ter to him whether he was standing in St. Giles's
"A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling  or Lincoln's Inn, only the last was the most rewater, Mr. Newcome, to keep it at a certain tem- spectable."
perature.  If you are asked at the Hall for the    "I don't see that," says Mr. Manhug, refilling his
most familiar instance, they like you to say a car- pipe.
penter's glue-pot."                               "Why, all the thieves in London live in St.
And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds.  Giles's."
*        *        *         *            "Well, and who live in Lincoln's Inn?"
Essential as sulphuric acid is to the ignition of    "Pshaw! that's all.worn out," continues Mr.
the platinum in an hydropneumatic lamp, so is Muff. " I got to the College of Surgeons, and had
half-and-half to the proper illumination of a medi- a good mind to scud some oyster shells through the
cal student's faculties. The Royal College of Sur- windows, only there were several people aboutgeons may thunder and the lecturers may threaten, fellows coming home to chambers, and the like; so
but all to no effect; for, like the slippers in the  I pattered on until I found myself in Drury Lane,
Eastern story, however often the pots may be or- close to a coffee-shop-that was open. There I saw
dered away from the dissecting-room, somehow or such a jolly row!"
other they always find their way back again with    Mr. Muff utters this last sentence in the same ecunfliching pertinacity.  All the world inclined  static accents of admiration with which we speak
towards beer knows that the current price of a pot of a lovely woman or a magnificent view.
of half-and-half is fivepence, and by this standard    " What was it about?" eagerly demanded the rest
the medical student fixes his expenses. He says of the circle.
he has given three pots for a pair of Berlin gloves,   " Why, just as I got in, a gentleman of a vivaand speaks of a half-crown as a six-pot piece.  cious turn of mind, who was taking an early breakMr. Muff takes the goodly measure in his hand, fast, had shied a soft-boiled egg at the gas-light,
and decapitating its "spuma" with his pipe, from  which didn't hit it, of course, but flew across the
which he flings it into Mr. Simpson's face, indulges tops of the boxes, and broke upon a lady's head.
in a prolonged drain, and commences his narrative    "What a mess it must have made?" interposes
-most probably in the following manner:-       Mr. Manhug.  "Coffee-shop eggs are always so
"You know we should all have got on very well very albuminous."
if Rapp hadn't been such a fool as to pull away the    " Once I found some feathers in one, and a fcetal
lanthorns from the place where they are putting  chick," observes Mr. Rapp.
down the wood pavement in the Strand, and swear   "Knock that down for a good one!" says Mr.
he was a watchman. I thought the crusher saw  Jones, taking the poker and striking three distinct
us, and so I got ready for a bolt, when Manhug said  blows on the mantelpiece, the last of which breaks
the blocks had no right to obstruct the footpath, off the corner. "Well, what did the lady do?"
and, shoving down a whole wall of them into the    "Commenced kicking up an extensive shindy,
street, voted for stopping to play at duck with them. something between crying, coughing, and abusing;
Whilst he was trying how many he could pitch  until somebody in a fustian coat, addressing the
across the Strand against the shutters opposite, assailant, said,'he was no gentleman, whoever he
down came the pewlice, and off we cut."        was, to throw eggs at a woman; and that if he'd
"I had a tight squeak for it," interrupts Mr. come out, he'd pretty soon butter his crumpets on
Rapp; "but I beat them at last, in the dark of the  both sides for him, and give him pepper for nothDurham Street arch. That's a dodge worth being  ing.' The master of the coffee-shop now came forup to when you get into a row near the Adelphi. ward and said,'he wasn't a going to have no upFire away, Muff-where did you go?"            roar in his house, which was very respectable, and
" Right up a court to Maiden Lane, in the hope  always used by the first of company, and if they
of bolting into the Cider Cellars. But they were all wanted to quarrel, they might fight it out in the
shut up, and the fire out in the kitchen, so I ran  streets.' Whereupon they all began to barge the
on through a lot of alleys and back-slums, until I master at once,-one saying' his coffee was all
got somewhere in St. Giles's, and here I took a snuff and chickweed,' or something of the kind;
cab."                                          whilst the other told him'he looked as measly as
"Why, you hadn't got an atom of tin when you  a mouldy muffin;" and then all of a sudden a lot
left us," said Mr. Manhug.                     of half-pint cups and pewter spoons flew up in the
" Devil a bit did that signify. You know I only  air, and the three men began an indiscriminate battook the cab-I'd nothing at all to do with the  tle all to themselves, in one of the boxes,'fighting
driver; he was all right in the gin-shop near the  quite permiscus,' as the lady properly observed. I
stand, I suppose. I got on the box, and drove think the landlord was worst off though; he got a
about for my own diversion-I don't exactly know  very queer wipe across the face from the handle of
where; but I couldn't leave the cab, as there was his own toasting-fork."
always a crusher in the way when I stopped. At   " And what did you do, Muff?" asks Mr. Manhug.




THE DELUSION OF THREE DAYS.                                 983
"Ah, that was the finishing card of all. I put Itruth, which excites much merriment; and Mr.
the gas out, and was walking off as quietly as could  Muff proceeds:
be, when some policemen, who heard the row out-   "The beak wasn't such a bad fellow after all,
side, met me at the door, and wouldn't let me pass. when we went up in the morning. I said I was
I said I would, and they said I should not, until we ashamed to confess we were both disgracefully incame to scuffling, and then one of them calling to  toxicated, and that I would take great care nothing
some more, told them to take me to Bow Street, of the same humiliating nature should occur again;
which they did; but I made them carry me though. whereupon we were fined twelve pots each, and I
When I got into the office they had not any especial tossed sudden death with Simpson which should
charge to make against me, and the old bird be- pay both. He lost; and paid down the dibs. We
hind the partition said I might go about my busi- came away, and here we are."
ness; but, as ill luck would have it, another of the    The mirth proceeds, and, ere long, gives place to
unboiled ones recognized me as one of the party  harmony; and when the cookery is finished, the
who had upset the wooden blocks-he knew me bird is speedily converted into an anatomical prepagain by my d-d Taglioni."                     aration, —albeit her interarticular cartilages are
"And what did they do to you?"               somewhat tough, and her lateral ligaments appa"Marched me across the yard and locked me rently composed of a substance between leather
up; when, to my great consolation in my affliction, and caoutchouc. As afternoon advances, the porI found Simpson, crying and twisting up his pock- ter of the dissecting-room finds them performing
et-handkerchief, as if he was wringing it; and hop- an incantation dance round Mr. Muff, who, seated
ing his friends would not hear of his disgrace  on a stool placed upon two of the tressels, is ratthrough the Times."                             tling some halfpence in a skull, accompanied by
" What a love you are, Simpson!" observes Mr. Mr. Rapp, who is performing a difficult concerto on
Jones, patronizingly. "Why, how the deuce could  an extempore instrument of his own invention,
they, if you gave a proper name?  I hope you  composed of the Scotchman's hat, who is still
called yourself James Edwards."                 grinding in the museum, and the identical thighMr. Simpson blushes, blows his nose, mutters bone that assisted to hang Mr. Muff's patriarchal
something about his card-case and telling an un- old hen!
THE DELUSION OF THREE DAYS.
BY R. BERNAL.
WE are all, more or less, the slaves of prejudice, etc., etc.-In fact, so organized was this system in
or the creatures of early habits and impressions; the mind of Herbert, and so notorious had he beand, however wisely our resolutions may be framed  come by his unmitigated development of it, that in
in the hour of sober reflection, yet too often the  despite of his well-known and much-lauded eagerimpulse of a moment will entirely upset the infiu- ness to secure a wife, he became, at last, to be but
ence of good sense and reason. How decidedly  coldly received by his female acquaintances.
has the truth of this position been exemplified in    The close of the spring, in the year 1827, found
the case of my friend Herbert, who, really amiable Herbert in a state of chagrin and disappointment:
and pleasing, with every wish to escape from the the slender encouragement held out to him by the
pitiable condition of a bachelor, and with many ad- offended spinsters of London, and one or two awkvantages to assist him in his laudable and unremit- ward repulses which he had experienced, had conting pursuit of a wife, still appears, at the age of siderably abated his hopes and damped his ardor.
thirty-five, as far distant from success as ever. For   Under the pressure of ennui and low spirits, he
Herbert, from his first entrance into society, has took himself off to the baths of Ems in Germany.
been a devoted partisan of the fair sex, but an  There, the bustle and liveliness of the well-freequally enthusiastic admirer of the arts of music and  quented table d'h6te at the hotel de Russie, joined
painting, and of all the other minor elegant accom- to its variety of faces, forms, and manners, conplishments of the day; and he has always fettered  tributed to restore his good humor with le beau
himself by the singular notion that no female sexe, and to revive his keenness for his old pursuit.
(whatever her mental or personal recommendations But my friend's taste was vastly too fastidious for
might be) could render him happy or contented, the atmosphere of a continental table d'hote: one
unless she were mistress of all or most of these de- very fair and pretty Badoise horrified him by her
sirable accomplishments.                       penchant (however strictly patriotic) for eating
Hence this caprice of my friend has been ex- stewed prunes with roast meat; while another
tended to so ridiculous a degree, that after every  black-eyed and interesting Alsacienne provoked
first introduction to any new and lovely votary of him by her preference (however healthful) of the
fashion, I have always found him ready to perplex  oysters of the dinner-table to all his small talk and
himself and his associates with the same uniform  attentions; in short, as far as the ladies were conset of interrogatories, of a small part of which the cerned, he had very little prospect of addirg to his
following may be an example.                   reputation at Ems.
" Does she sing, and play well on the piano or   By good fortune, Herbert met with an old acharp?-Were her masters Crivelli, Moscheles, or quaintance, the Baron de T-, whom he had forBochsa?-can she paint in oil or water colors?-  merly known, both in England and on the Continent,
Did she study under Fielding or Prout? —Can she and who was upon terms of intimacy with many
converse fluently in Frefnh, Italian, and German?" of the respectable families in the duchy of Nassau.




984                          THE DELUSION OF THREE DAYS.
In the course of conversation, the baron mentioned  this confession of a defect in his standard of exthe name of Madame de Steinbron, a lady residing  cellence.
in the neighborhood of Ems, and he described her   Unreasonably long as this first visit proved, Heras being a very young, lovely, and interesting wid- bert did not suffer it to come to a conclusion without
ow. She had been contracted by her parents, at having obtained the lady's permission to repeat it;
an early age, to a gentleman advanced in years, and at length he most unwillingly departed with
who died, leaving her in opulent circumstances, the baron, being at least three parts, if not the
shortly after their marriage. The manner in which  whole, of a lover at first sight. During the rest
the baron spoke of the widow so wrought upon  of the day, Herbert persecuted the poor baron with
Herbert's feelings, that he would not quit the sub- the expression of his warm and passionate admiraject until he had obtained from the baron the tion of the charming Josephine de Steinbron, and
promise of an introduction, on the next day, to the  with unceasing and innumerable questions concernlady.                                          ing her, which the baron either could or would not
In consequence of this arrangement, the baron  satisfy.
and Herbert, on the following morning, drove out   Time dragged but heavily on with my enthusiasto the Chateau de Steinbron; they found its fair tic friend until the next day arrived, when, at as
mistress at home; when the baron, having been  early all hour as propriety could well sanction,
cordially welcomed, presented his friend, in flatter- Herbert, without soliciting the further escort of the
ing terms, to Madame de Steinbron.             baron, hurried off again to the Chateau, to pay his
Accustomed as Herbert had been to presenta- permitted visit to its interesting owner. To his
tions to beautiful women, and critic aufond as he great delight he was admitted, and he found Mawas upon every point, important or minute, con- dame de Steinbron alone, occupying her couch in
nected with their personal appearance, he never the same saloon, and nearly in the same manner as
before at least had been so immediately impressed  upon his first introduction.  She received him,
with admiration, or so little disposed to criticise, as without any form or reserve, half sitting and lying
on the present occasion. The whole contour of on her sofa; the ease and elegance of her manner
Madame de Steinbron's countenance denoted youth  were so winning, and the charms of her conversaand softness; dark brown hair, simply arranged, tion so seducing, that Herbert, in an hour, felt as
clustered round an oval face of the most transpa- if he had been acquainted with her for years.
rent complexion, and a pair of eyes of the deepest Every topic that could interest a cultivated and rehazel turned upon the beholder, with a penetrating  fined mind, was again brought forward and disexpression of real feeling and intelligence; while cussed; and if Herbert was fascinated on the forthe lines and proportions of her form appeared as mer occasion, the seal of enchantment was cerround and correct as the poet or sculptor could de- tainly fixed on the present. One trifling incident,
sire. In addition, there was something striking  and one only, occurred, to disturb the serene and
and unusual in the style of her reception of the  delicious harmony of his feelings: the conversation
visitors, which, perhaps, from its very singularity, having branched off to the state of arts in Europe,
tended the more to produce a decided impression  Herbert's inveterate prejudices prompted him to
upon Herbert. Madame de Steinbron was reclined  introduce the subject of music, he not for a moupon a handsome couch, beneath a canopy, the  ment doubting but that his magician could exercise
curtains of which were drawn back, and surrounded  her influence over this delightful science. Herbert
by all those elegant accessories of household deco- possessed a curious tact of applying generals to
ration which the refinement and wealth of modern  particulars, when any one of his old and favorite
times have produced.  She had only half raised  fancies came into action, and he thus addressed his
herself upon the entrance of the two gentlemen, fair companion:
but resuming her recumbent position, she retained    HERB. What wonderful composers has Germany
the same during the remainder of their stay. An  produced! Haydn, Mozart, and Winter.
animated conversation ensued, and was maintained    M. DE STEIN. Yes, indeed, their reputation is defor a considerable time, between Madame de Stein- servedly great.
bron and her visitors. The history, literature, and    HERn. I feel, delighted to think you rightly aptopography of Germany were in turns talked over; preciate their merit. What heavenly compositions
and on all matters the lovely widow displayed so  are the operas of La Clemenza di Tito and I1 Ratto
much unpretending knowledge and judgment, that di Proserpina! You sing, I am certain, that charmHerbert was perfectly astonished at the fact of so ing duet of " Deh prendi un dolce amplesso?"
youthful a female having been able to acquire an    M. DE STEIN. I believe I have heard it, but really
extent of information the more remarkable, as it I do not remember it.
was not alloyed by the slightest mixture of pedantry    HERB. Not remember it! I could not have beor affectation.  Madame de Steinbron had been  lieved this. But you cannot forget the duet of "Ah
partly educated in France, and had travelled  Perdonna:" forgive me, but I am satisfied you must
through the greater portion of Italy; the languages sing that piece of music to perfection!
of these countries were quite familiar to her, and    M. DE STEIN. (laughing.) Pray moderate your
at her perfect command. Herbert was enchanted, expectations and enthusiasm, and, in mercy, grant
and the current of his thoughts hardly found suffi- me your full pardon when I assure you that I know
cient time to include in its flow all his notions and not a single note of music, and that I am perfectly
prejudices, as to the necessity of the acquisition of unable to sing or play on any instrument whatever.
every species of accomplishment.  An incidental   Here it must be owned Herbert was silenced for
remark on the beauty of the surrounding scenery  a time, and his transports experienced no slight
of Nassau led to the subject of painting and draw- check; for it required all his fortitude, and a sucing, when Madame de Steinbron confessed her ut- cession of the most enchanting smiles from the lovely
ter want of knowledge of the art: but Herbert's widow, to restore him to his former composure and
excitement was too powerful to be much abated by  happy condition of mind.  However, when the




HOW  TO FORM  A STOCK COMPANY.                                985
hour of taking leave arrived, Herbert was cornm- was (after much conversation on the subject of sopletely a lover, and a confirmed one, too; and  ciety and amusements in Britain) in the act of rethough I cannot positively declare what was the  plying to some inquiry of the lady, when the sound
exact state of the lady's heart, yet it is certain that of a clarionet out of doors, playing the air of a faierbert, emboldened by the nature of his recep- vorite national dance, attracted his attention. The
tion, ventured, after a very extended visit, to press day of the week was Friday, and perhaps Herbert's
her fair hand gently, and to request permission to  evil genius, or some other demon of mischief, was
return on the following day, and that such request then stalking abroad, or perhaps it was owing to
was conceded, and the concession further estab- the contemplation of a very pretty foot of Madame
lished both by a blush and a sigh.             de Steinbron, which peeped out from under her
It would be a hopeless attempt to describe the  robe, that Herbert all at once exclaimed, "What
feelings under which Herbert retired that night to  an enlivening air! and what an attractive sight it
rest, or rather to seek for rest; he was almost in  is, to behold an elegant woman waltz gracefully. I
an excess of delirium: he had at last found the am sure you must be devoted to dancing?"
woman he had been for nearly fifteen years seek-   Madame de Steinbron cast down her lovely eyes,
ing; the being, onl whom all his hopes of happiness turned pale as marble, and dropping a tear, replied,
were to rest. The morning of the third day (every  with emotion, "I once was, but, alas! I am indeed
previous hour having been regularly counted) at unfortunate!"
last arrived; away flew Herbert, on the wings of   Herbert became all romance and tenderness: he
love and sentiment, to the castle of his enchantress, drew nearer to the couch, fully prepared to receive
as privately as he could, and keeping his intentions some interesting confession, or tale of past sorrows.
secret from  the baron: for Herbert was deter- How transporting, to be selected for such a mark
mined, without further ceremony or delay, to make of confidence!  His beautiful widow appeared
a proposition in form to Madame de Steinbron.  more fascinating than ever; and his senses were
The weather was sultry and overpowering when  all concentrated in his eyes and ears. "Listen!
he reached the chateau. Upon his admittance  my dear friend," continued Madame de Steinbron:
into the well-known saloon, he found the charming  "I have encountered most severe suffering: three
widow as usual upon her couch, her head resting  years back my carriage was overturned; my right
on both her hands, with her arms extended on one limb miserably fractured; it was amputated; and,
of its pillows. Traces of thought and languor were alas! in its place I have only a cork leg!"
apparent in her beautiful countenance, but her eyes   If a sudden thunderbolt from heaven had darted
were fraught with intense feeling. Herbert could  by Herbert without immediately destroying him,
hardly refrain from gazing on the lovely arms and  he could not have felt more overwhelmed and dishands exposed to his view, which were so white mayed. Complete silence ensued for a few minand perfect that Canova might have modelled from  utes, till, hardly conscious of his actions, he at last
them. It was evident that Madame de Steinbron started from  his seat, and absolutely screaming
had been occupied in deep and serious meditation; aloud, "A cork leg!" he darted out of the aparther manner, though kind, partook of something  ment, and in the shortest possible time, found himbetween sorrow and embarrassment. A little time self at his hotel at Ems. In another half hour, his
elapsed before the accustomed flow of conversation  bill was discharged, his trunks were packed, and
could be supported; for Herbert, on his part, bent Herbert was in his travelling.caleche, mentally
on carrying his resolution into effect, expressed  ejaculating curses on the Baron de T. and his own
himself with a degree of confusion and hesitation. wayward destiny, and audibly bestowing the same
Madame de Steinbron having remarked how anx- on the schwager and the post-horses, while he
ious she felt to travel in England, Herbert inwardly  hurried over the road to Cologne to return to Engblessed his good fortune that so favorable an op- land, as fast as German travelling and English importunity had been afforded for his project, and he petuosity could permit.
HOW TO FORM A STOCK COMPANY.
FROM "PICKWICK ABROAD."  BY G. W. REYNOLDS.
CAPTAIN WALSINGRAM, whom the reader has al- distances round the table, and then laid a new pen,
ready known by the various names of Crasheam, a small piece of blotting-paper, and a couple of
Sugden, and Boloski, was the happy tenant of a wafers upon each of the sheets of foolscap thus
three-pair back sitting-room, and a four-pair back  disposed of. The inkstand was stood in the middle
bed-room, alias, an agreeable and airy attic. The of the table, around which chairs were speedily arbreakfast things had been swept away, there not ranged, a large Langham  gracing the top, and a
being many to sweep-the room carefully dusted  Windsor the bottom; and this being accomplished,
out-and the table duly covered with a green-baize  Captain Walsingham expressed a wish to his landcloth, which the landlady had borrowed from the  lady, whom he summoned to witness the preparapawnbroker's over the way. Captain Walsingham  tions, "that the Directors would make their apsurveyed all these preparations with the most un- pearance."
feigned delight; and when the little dirty servant,   No sooner were the words uttered, than a loud
who ministered to his comforts and to those of the  knock at the street door seemed to proclaim that
whole family (thirteen in all, besides the pigs in the  the wish they expressed stood some chance of being
back yard), had retired, Captain Walsingham placed  immediately attended to.  The landlady rushed
about a dozen sheets of foolscap paper at equal down stairs-Captain Horatio Clarence Walsingham




986                        HOW  TO FORM  A STOCK COMPANY.
assumed a most business-like and sedate air, and a full-grown directors of an infant project sallied into
sober attitude-and in process of time, the vice- the room.
chairman was ushered into the room.               "Well, we shall be pretty numerous, I see," ob" Mr. Cherryburton, Sir, if you please," screamed  served Mr. Cherryburton, pretending not to notice
the landlady, as she flung open the three-pair back  the desperate energy with which the new-comers
door with as much importance as if it would admit rubbed their hands, and persisting in the retention
the visitor into a palace.                      of his enviable position in front of the fire.
"How are you, Mr. Cherrybnrton?" ejaculated    "Yes, there'll be a tolerable sprinkle," coincided
the Captain, rushing forward to welcome the de- Mr. Snuffery; " and if every one will only subscribe
puty-chairman of the infant Company, whereof he for a certain number of shares and pay the earnest
himself was the managing director.  "You see money, I may open my books at once."
that I do the thing economically; it is no use tak-   "Oh! certainly-decidedly-we are all very ready
ing offices and all that, till some of the advances to pay the earnest money," cried Captain Walsingupon the shares are made. I expect the printer to  ham, instinctively glancing with great feeling to a
send me up the book with the printed forms every  pile of fourpence-halfpenny in coppers, with a sixminute."                                        pence upon the top, which he had prudently placed
"Very good," returned Mr. Cherryburton, who  upon the mantel-piece, probably with an eye to a
was a very short and very fat gentleman, with no  little display.
neck, but plenty of head.                         "Mr. Molesworthy," cried the landlady; and a
"Mr. Snuffery, Sir," cried the landlady, after a very large nose, with an exceedingly small man beshort interval of about five minutes; and the  hind it, entered the room; "and Mr. Muggins,"
treasurer, whose place was quite a sinecure, walked  continued the lessee of the house, in an unusually
into the room.                                  shrilly tone of voice.
"Welcome, Snuffery, old boy," ejaculated Cap-   "Come in, Mr. Muggins," ejaculated Captain
tain Walsingham, forgetting, in the excitement of Walsingham; " pray come in-don't stand in the
the moment, the respect due to a treasurer, even  passage."
by his great employer.                 -          "A-don't now be foolish," echoed the landlady's
" Mister Snuffery, here," suggested the treasurer; voice in a whisper, from the passage just alluded to;
" Snuffery at the ale-house, if you like;" it having  "I'll fetch you a slap over the face, I will. There
been at the ale-house that the idea of establishing  now-you've quite tumbled my best cap, I dea Joint-stock Company first occurred to Captain  clare."
Walsingham and Mr. Snuffery, as they discussed a    Mr. Muggins, having been shrewdly suspected by
pot of mild intermediate beer and a yard of clay, his brother directors of perpetrating a kiss vi et
some weeks previous to this meeting.            armis upon the comely countenance of the land"' Very good, very good," exclaimed Mr. Cherry- lady, now entered the room, and paid his respects
burton; "there's nothing like standing up for eti- to the company.
quette;" and with these words he stood himself    "I think we are all assembled now," observed
exactly before the fire, so that neither Captain  Captain Horatio Clarence Walsingham; and, as if
Walsingham  nor Mr. Snuffery felt the slightest he had any moral doubt upon the subject, he prebenefit from  that fraction of a vast elementary  tended to count those present, referred to a list of
whole.                                          names in his pocket-book, and then precipitated
"Mr. Stephen Muzzlewhite and Mr. Watkins himself into the Langham chair. Mr. Snuffery fell
Welladay," chanted the landlady, as two more into the Windsor ditto; and the remainder of the'lowMOW_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




HOW  TO FORM  A STOCK COMPANY.                                987
directors slid into theirs without any farther invi-   Mr. Snuffery begged to ask the Chairman if he
tation.                                        intended any thing personal by his allusion to the
A general silence then prevailed throughout the  adage which states that one cannot get blood out
room. This was at length broken by the chairman, a stone. Mr. Muggins supported Mr. Snuffery's dewho informed the meeting that they were sitting in  mand, and " begged to inform the Cheerman and
Committee of Ways and Means, for the purpose of all present that he dared look any man in the face,
taking into consideration the financial.department that he didn't owe a blessed penny in the whole
of the Universal Stone-Expelling and Asphaltum- world, that no one could say black was the white
Substituting Equitable Company.                 of his eye, and that he would just like to know
"In opening the business of the day," observed  from the Cheerman's own lips who would say any
Captain Horatio Clarence Walsingham, "I have to  thing to the contrary."
observe that the prospects of the Company are    Captain Walsingham declared that his allusion
most smiling and favorable. When I calculate the  was any thing but personal; Mr. Snuffery observed
immense advantages which the introduction and  he was satisfied, but that if the explanation had not
use of the asphalte will confer upon society in gen- been given, he should most decidedly have resigned
eral, I am lost in a wide field of admiration and de- the post of treasurer to the Company-a statement,
light. To see the streets, not only of London, but which, considering the nature of that Company's
of every town, village, and hamlet, throughout this assets, filled the whole Committee with immediate
vast empire, composed of asphalte instead of paving  alarm. This Fas only appeased by the production
stones, is my most sanguine wish; and that such  of a black bottle, and the imbibing of a little drop
will be the result of our labors, Gentlemen, let us of brandy by each member; without which sudden
rest assured. (Hear! hear.) It may not be im- remedy, the whole business might have been blighted
proper at this stage of the business," continued the  in the bud. Mr. Muggins, indeed, was so affected
worthy chairman, "to enumerate a few of the ad- by the temporary misunderstanding, that he wag
vantages attendant upon the use of the asphalte. under the necessity of filling his glass and emptying
In the first place, it will essentially benefit the pe- it three times, before he could muster u psufficient
cuniary operations of many individuals resident in  strength to attend to business.
this vast metropolis; inasmuch as those discounters,   When something like order was restored, Capwhose methods of doing business have not unfre- tain Walsingham  continued his truly wonderful
quently led them to offer half money and half pav- oration as follows:ing-stones for suspicious bills, will suddenly find    "But, Gentlemen, I have only enumerated one
their rapacity deprived of the means of gratifica- half-indeed, I may safely say, only one quarter of
tion; for what use will paving-stones be to any one the numerous advantages attending the substitution
when nothing but asphalte shall be in vogue? (Loud  of asphalte for paving-stones.  I have often recries of' Hear, hear;' and'Bravo' from Mr. Snuf- marked-and what gentleman present has not done
fery, who had done much in the discount way above the same?-I say, Gentlemen, that I have often redescribed.)  Indeed," continued Captain Walsing- marked that the pavement, as it now exists, is freham, affected almost to tears by the demonstrations  quently unsteady beneath the feet.  Gentlemen,
of respect and admiration with which he was last evening only, I dined with a friend in the City
greeted,-" indeed, I may say, Gentlemen, that an  -in fact, Gentlemen, to be candid with you, it was
universal good, as my friend the Great Cham used  my old and much esteemed friend, Sir Barryl Punto observe to his prime minister Fiofunki-Khan, shun, the alderman and highly respected wine merwill be done to the nation by the use of our as- chant of Portsoken Ward; and as I came home, I
phalte. Instead of shocking the ears of the deli- found that the pavement down Ludgate Hill was so
cate by noticing that such-and-such an unfortunate  unsteady, I could scarcely walk on it. Now, will
girl is compelled to walk the pavi, will it not be you believe it, Gentlemen, when I assure you that
much more decent and becoming to hint that she by the time I arrived at the foot of Blackfriars
promenades the asphaltum?  Conceive, Gentlemen, Bridge, I was compelled to lie down in the very
the advantage attached to this circumstance alone, street; on account of the turn the inequality and
and rely upon our success as a thing certain-a bad state of the pavement upon Ludgate Hill had
self-evident proposition —an axiom-a-a result given me?  (Groans and hisses.) Mr. Muggins,"
sincerely to be wished for by all."  (Loud cheers.)  continued the worthy Chairman, " I hope you will
The Chairman resumed his lucid oration, after hav- help yourself. Yes, Gentlemen, I can myself vouch
ing been welcomed with the most deafening applause. for the truth of the circumstance; the stone pave"Gentlemen," said he, "in categorizing the advan- ment is unsafe-very unsafe, Gentlemen; and the
tages which will accrue to society and, I may say to  asphaltum must replace it. I repeat it, Gentlethe cause of civilization, by the application of our men —" and Captain Walsingham smote the table
measures, let me not forget to observe that had Paris with amazing violence-" I repeat it, that you
been lined with asphalte instead of paving-stones, cannot walk with safety upon stone-pavement-and
the Revolution of July would never have taken  all I know is, that there are times (particularly after
place, because the citizens could not have formed  dinner) when I myself cannot even stand upright
barricades of the precious substance which we so  upon it."
enthusiastically advocate.  (Hear, hear.)  There    "Our worthy Cheerman's quite right," exclaimed
will be no danger of tripping on a loose stone, with  Mr. Muggins; "this house o' his'n is built upon
our asphaltum, upon which all men will walk with  stones, and blowed if it ain't so unsteady, I can't
that springiness and elasticity which to the ancient sit upon my cheer."
pavement never did-never could belong. Money    Perhaps it struck Mr. Muggins at this precise
is to be made out of the asphalte; but no blood  moment, that he might be able to sit upon the
ever came from the stone! Let us all remember floor, even if he could not retain his chair; at all
this ancient proverb, and regard it as a species of events he placed himself comfortably under the
prophecy relative to the present undertaking!"    table; and as the brandy he had drank was




988                       HOW  TO FORM  A STOCK COMPANY.
somewhat soporific in its effects, having been  or thousands; but individuals withouta sou, invapurposely hocussed by Captain Horatio Clarence riably found their speculations upon millions. Not
Walsingham, he sank into a mild and tranquil that we would wish to disparage the eminent Comslumber, to the extreme comfort of himself and to  pany of which we are now treating; on the conthe unmitigated disgust of his companions.    trary, we believe it to have been as highly respecta" Printer's brought the prospecktesses, he says, ble as it was considered to be by any one of its diplease Sir," exclaimed the landlady, thrusting her rectors.
hand in at the door, just as Mr. Muggins thrust him-   "But how shall we dispose of the shares?" inself under the table.                         quired Mr. Watkins Welladay.
"Oh! very well," cried Captain Walsingham,   "By advertisement, to be sure," returned Capbeing perfectly aware that it was very ill. "Tell tain Walsingham. "We must placard all the walls
him to leave them- I can't attend to him now."    — bill the Magazines —"
"Please, Sir," ejaculated the printer's boy, who    " But where is the money to come from, to do all
had followed the landlady up the stairs as far as the this?" inquired Mr. Snuffery.
door of the Captain's three-pair back,-" please,   "Where?" echoed Captain Walsingham, assumsir, master said as how-"                     ing a tone and attitude of the deepest indignation;
"Very well, very well," interrupted the Chair- "where?  Why from the Company's bankers, I
man of the Universal Stone-Expelling and Asphal- should hope."
tum-Substituting Equitable Company; "I'll attend    "Oh! very well," returned Mr. Snuffery, who
to it directly."                              was not however exactly aware that any account
"That I vosn't to leave'em without the money," had been as yet opened at a banker's, or indeed
added the boy, for the behoof of all the directors that the Company was possessed of any account to
and the treasurer of the aforesaid eminent Com- open; but he did not choose, as he afterwards expany.                                         pressed himself, to irritate by useless interrogation
"Let him send in his bill to the Secretary," re- the man to whom he owed his bread-and water,
turned the Chairman; "the account shall be'au- he might have added.
dited in due course."                           "Certainly," continued Captain Walsingham. "I
"I am very much afeerd mas'er don't know no- have made arrangements with a capitalist, who will
think about the Secreterry," answered the boy, advance us five hundred pounds upon the strength
putting his right hand to his nose, and the left hand  of our firm, provided we take it out half in wine,
after the right, and extending the fingers of both  and half in cigars. He did want to throw in a few
in truly interesting puerile sport.           pump-handles and patent axle-trees; but that did
" What-do you mean to say that we ain't to be not suit my purpose. Now, the fact is-old Mugtrusted, you young rascal?" demanded Captain gins must give us his acceptance-(there's no use
Walsingham.                                   my speechifying any longer, since he's asleep)"No-I doesn't; but mas'er does," replied this and I'll manage the rest."
unaccountable boy, perfectly unawed by the pres-   "Yes," objected Mr. Welladay; "but will any
ence of that which intended to be the richest Com- bankers open an account with wine and cigars?"
pany in the world.                              "Well, you are green for the director of a Joint"Oh! he does-does he?" said Captain Walsing- Stock Company!" ejaculated Mr. Snuffery. "We
ham, rising in state from his Langham chair, and must raise money upon them, don't you see?"
preparing to kick the little boy down stairs; " well,   " I am sure you will all be delighted to hear that
then-you may just tell your master —"         I have secured the patronage and support of Puffem"Stay, stay," interrupted Mr. Muzzlewhite, "this orf, the sub-editor of the Morning Tea-pot!"
affair will only do us harm. How much is your   "No!" exclaimed several voices, in tones expresbill, youngster?"                             sive of the deepest admiration.
"Three pound seven," returned the interesting    "Do I, or do I not look like a man who is deyouth, producing a dirty piece of paper.      ceiving you?" calmly returned the Chairman, as he
"' Well-here's ten bob towards it," exclaimed glanced complacently and philanthropically around
Mr. Muzzlewhite, throwing half-a-sovereign on the upon his great co-operators.
table,.                                         "No-no," echoed from  all present, save Mr.
The sum was soon made up amongst the dlrec- Muggins and the Chairman himself.
tors, all of whom contributed something with the    "Well, then," continued Captain Walsingham,
exception of Captain Walsingham and Messieurs "since I deserve all your confidence, as the Great
Snuffery and Muggins-the first turning away to  Cham used to observe to those faithful slaves whom
the window and whistling, with his hands in his he intended to put to death, —I will show you that
pockets, as his friends subscribed for him; the I mean to retain it. Here, Gentlemen-here is a
second pretending to be asleep the moment any paragraph which will appear in the Tea-pot of tothing like payment was spoken of; and the third  morrow morning. Mr. Snuffery, do me the favor,
being really in a state of somnolency under the as treasurer, to read it."
table.                                          Mr. Snuffery, who, notwithstanding the nature of
"What is the amount of the capital upon which his appointment, had nothing to treasure up but
the Company works?" demanded Mr. Muzzlewhite, the speeches of the Chairman, immediately comwhen the three pound seven had been with diffi- plied with that individual's request, and read the
culty raised amongst the directors, and when the contents of a little piece of paper, which was handprinter's boy had taken himself off.          ed to him, as follows:"Capital —one million," answered Captain Wal-   "THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON.-It is a well-known
singham. "We couldn't do it upon less."       fact that this illustrious commander gave peace to
"Oh! no-decidedly not," cried Mr. Muzzle- Europe by the achievements he and his gallant folwhite.                                        lowers performed at Waterloo. The reputation of
Rich men do things cautiously and by hundreds his Grace is the most eminent that can be con



HOW  TO FORM A STOCK COMPANY.                               989
ceived; it seems to stand alone in the English    "And where the deuce is it to come from?" deannals of renown-its supernal lustre throws all manded Mr. Muggins.
others into a deep shade. Yet even this envia-   "The capitalist who will advance the cash," conble and extensive reputation may eventually find a tinued the Captain, without noticing the question,
rival; and if such be the will of destiny, then will "is to receive a bonus of five per cent. more than
the honor of this great competition be decidedly  any other person connected with the Company."
awarded to Walsingham and Company's Asphal-   "Well-that is but fair," murmured Mr. Mugtum."                                         gins.
"Well, I never could have fancied what was   "And he will have other perquisites and privicoming," exclaimed Mr. Welladay, as the treasurer leges too numerous to mention," added Captain
brought the perusal of this most erudite paragraph  Walsingham. "For instance, such capitalist shall
to a conclusion.                              have the right of advancing as much money to the
"It was Puffemorf's idea," exclaimed Captain  Company, at the above-mentioned rate, as he
Walsingham.  "Why-it will create a more pow- chooses. What do you think of that?"
erful sensation in the fashionable world than Twad-   "Admirable!" exclaimed Mr. Muggins.
dlehem's new novel."                            "And he shall have it in his power," proceeded
" Very good, very good," observed Mr. Cherry- the Chairman, "to prevent the Company from apburton, whose nose seemed to indicate that he was plying to any, other individual for loans, so long as
not indifferent to cherry-brandy.             he chooses to furnish them himself."
"It ain't bad," kindly assented Mr. Moles-   " Very eligible-very eligible, indeed!" cried Mr.
w.orthy.                                      Muggins. "Them is tempting offers."
"What ain't? —the brandy?" murmured Mr.   "And the company shall bind itself to receive,
Muggins from beneath the table, where he had just through its treasurer, all the sums he may be desir,
awoke; "ask the Cheerman then to pour me out ous of investing in the concern," said the chairman;
another thimble-full."                         "and you may depend upon it, that I will use my
But the Chairman perceived that there was not influence to induce the board of directors to accept
another thimble-full, nor yet half a one, to pour of as large a loan as such capitalist may wish to
out; so Mr. Muggins and his request were disre- advance. Nay, more, we will draw up a deed, by
garded.                                       virtue of which the said capitalist shall have it in
Matters having been brought to this very satis- his power to insist upon the Company's receiving
factory point, and Mr. Muggins being too much  the loans."
overcome with liquor to give any acceptances at   "You know my capital is all locked up," began
that moment, the meeting broke up; and Mr. Mug- Mr. Muggins, whom these advantageous proffers
gins himself was conveyed home on a shutter.  greatly interested.
*      *      *      *      *      *        "And in order to accommodate such capitalist,"
In order that no time might be lost in establish- hastily continued Captain Walsingham, " the money
ing the celebrated Universal Stone-Expelling and  or moneys, to be furnished, shall be advanced upon
Asphaltum-substituting Equitable Company upon a bills; and, what is more-the Company shall pay
permanent foundation, its eminent originator, Cap- for the stamps!"
tain Horatio Clarence Walsingham, sallied forth on    The annals of Joint Stock Companies (even in
the morning after and bent his way towards the the panic year) do not furnish such a remarkable
abode of Mr. Muggins.                         instance of liberality and kindness on the part of
" Good morning, Mr. Muggins," was the Captain's any of those vast public enterprises which reflect so
amiable salutation; "how are you this morning?"  much honor upon the nation, as this which it is now
" Pretty tidy, thank'ee," returned Mr. Muggins. our pleasure and our pride to put on record. Even
"Pray take a cheer."                          Mr. Muggins himself was astonished at the gen"And how's Mrs. Muggins?" inquired the Cap- erosity of the Chairntan; and the production of
tain with great feeling, as he sank into the proffered the spirit-stand, with two small glasses, was the
seat; "and all the family?"                   most emphatic proof of his gratitude which he
"Hearty-quite hearty," replied Mr. Muggins. could at the moment possibly think of.
"But'now to business.  I was rayther sleepy yes-   "Taste this rum," said Mr. Muggins; and he
terday, and did not hear all you had to say about filled two wine glasses with the juice of Jamaica's
your Asphalte institootion."                  choicest production.
Captain Walsingham repeated many of the strong    "Excellent!" cried the Captain, smacking his
and very convincing arguments he had used the day lips, and setting down the glass which he had
before; and Mr. Muggins was so struck, not to say  emptied.
affected, by that one which related to the fact of   "Yes-it isn't bad," said Mr. Muggins. " Butthe Captain's being unable to stand upright upon  I tell you what-an idea has entered my head."
the pavement at times-particularly after dinner-    " No!" ejaculated the Captain, with an affectation
that he immediately resolved upon giving the Com- of the deepest astonishment.
pany his fullest support. Indeed, he (Mr. Muggins)   "Honor bright!" exclaimed Mr. Muggins; and
had not unfrequently noticed a similar coincidence he bestowed a most sapient and cognoscent wink
in respect to himself; and he could not do other- upon his companion.
wise than deeply deplore the existence of so great   "Well, what is it, now?" demanded the eminent
and crying an evil.                           Chairman; "something good, I dare say!"
" And how much ready money shall we want to    " Why-I don't mind," began Mr. Muggins, speakcommence our operations?"                    ing very deliberately, as he unfolded his plan, and
"The nominal capital is of course a million," refilled the glasses with equal caution,-" I don't
ejaculated Captain Horatio Clarence Walsingham; mind if I let you have a little advance-a small
"but all that we actually require at first is about loan, you know-myself!"
five hundred to a thousand pounds."             "Muggins," said Captain Walsingham, assuming




990                                  I TOLD YOU SO.
a most solemn expression of countenance,-" Mug- put the word "Advertisement" at the beginning;
gins, I am your friend. I esteem you. I like you. and this paragraph stated that they (the papers)
I admire you. You are a man of the world, Mug- were informed upon the best authority that the
gins. Give me your hand."                     materials which composed the Asphaltum were deBy one of those strange coincidences which not rived from Asiatic sources: whereupon Mr. Snufunfrequently characterize mundane affairs, Captain fery, as treasurer and secretary, wrote a letter to
Walsingham had a bill for five hundred pounds al- all the journals to contradict this report; and as
ready drawn out upon the proper stamp, in his the said letters were inserted for nothing, the Compocket. This little incident excited a great deal of pany gained its aim in obtaining publicity at the
laughter between the two gentlemen, on account of least possible expense.
the strangeness of it; as it was not for a moment   Another paragraph, tending to show that the
to be supposed that the result of the conference Asphaltum would never be applied to universal use,
could have been anticipated by either.        was then paid for and inserted in the Morning Tea" Odd-wasn't it?" observed the Captain.    pot; and at this the Company pretended to be in
" Very," returned Mr. Muggins.              the most direful wrath; so much so, that Messieurs
"Just the amount, perhaps," said the Chairman. Rumrig and Sharp, the Company's solicitors, were
"Exactly!" exclaimed the capitalist.      instructed to bring an action against the aforesaid
"You'll accept it, then?" inquired the Captain.   Morning Teapot; but, after a great deal of public
"On the conditions proposed," was the reply.    display, letter-writing, pamphleteering, fending and
"Fire away, then," jocosely urged the gallant proving, that eminent legal firm declared it was not
Captain Walsingham.                           necessary to proceed with the suit; and so the
On the following morning, Captain Horatio Cla- whole business was announced to have been arrence Walsingham succeeded in discounting the ranged in the most amicable manner possible.
acceptance of Mr. Peter Muggins in the City; and    A few shares were next issued, and private friends
his first care was to treat himself with a basin of were sent round to purchase up these shares at a
turtle-soup and a glass of iced punch at Birch's. premium; so that the transaction took wind, and
He then purchased a watch at Mr. Cox Savory's, the Company succeeded in getting itself blamed for
and a ring at Messieurs Griffin and Hyam's; and  allowing only the acquaintances of the Directors to
having thus ministered to his own necessities, he profit by the speculation. The demand for shares
proceeded to attend to those of the Company. He was therefore immediate and great; and when a
began by hiring a splendid set of offices in Bar- piece of the pavement fronting the house in which
tholomew-lane, and forthwith purchased desks, the offices of the Company were situate, was robbed
tables, and chairs to place in them. He procured  of its stone and subjected to the process of the
a painter, who painted the words "PUBLIC OFFICE" Asphalte, the enthusiasm and credulity of the pubupon the door; " WAITING Roo " upon another; lic in favor of this great institution knew no bounds.
and " BOARD ROOM" upon a third. He then hired  A grand dinner was given by the Directors at the
three individuals, who, under the denomination of City of London Tavern; and Mr. Muggins was genClerks, were to sit at a desk in the Public Office, erously permitted by the worthy Chairman to adchatter and read the newspapers when they were vance the Company another five hundred pounds.
alone, and apply themselves like madmen to three    Of course, Captain Walsingham could no longer
great books with clasps when a stranger came in. remain in the three-pair back, which he had forA servant in blue livery, with white buttons, was merly occupied in the New Cut. But Mr. Muggins
also engaged to lounge about in the passage outside had a ready-furnished house of his own in Broad
the entrance door which led to the offices; and a street, to let; and into this the eminent Chairman
man, with printed prospectuses to give away, was of the Universal Stone-Expelling and Asphalte-Substationed in the street. A general meeting of the stituting Equitable Company speedily removed.
Directors was then called and advertised, to discuss With his usual prudence, he did not think it necesthe business of the Company; but as there was as sary to intimate to the public that he had just
yet no business to occupy their attention, they dis- emerged from so vulgar a region as the New Cut;
cussed a copious luncheon instead.            he accordingly had his arrival in town, from WalIn a few days, a paragraph was drawn up by the singham Hall, Staffordshire, duly inserted in the
excellent Chairman, and inserted (upon payment) fashionable columns of the Morning Post, and
in one or two of those daily papers which do not thence coDied into the evening papers.
TOLD YOU SO
A FARMER once, with many a comfort blest,     Or that the cows had eat the clover bare,
Honest and plain-his plough too always going,    "I told you so," she'd cry-" why are you wonStill wanting something more to crown the rest,   dering?"
Took to himself a wife, active and knowing.  When freshets rose, and swept a fence or gate,
Their days they passed with harmony full fraught,    If barns blew down, or cattle went astray,
And nothing knew of matrimonial strife,     Or neighbor bowed beneath the stroke of fateSave from a cant phrase that his dear had caught,    "I told you so," his loving spouse would say.
Which proved the torment of the poor man's life. One day, to prove her wondrous foresight more,
To cut the matter short, a curious power        He hit upon a plan somewhat uncouth:
She boasted, of foretelling each event;     He ran into his house, and stoutly swore
And did it rain, she knew there'd be a shower,  The hogs had eat the grindstone up smack smooth.
If sinners turned, she knew that they'd repent.   Up starts his rib, so ominous to prove it,
Whene'er the good man, vexed, would say, " My dear,   And gazing in his agitated face,
Old Hodge's hogs the corn-fields have been plun- Cries out, "I told you so, then, why not move it?
dering,"                                    I knew it stood in an improper place."




PICTORIAL HUMOR.                                      991
PICTORIAL HUMOR.
BY JOHN LEECH.
yi i
SOMETHING LIKE A HOLIDAY.
PASTRY COOK. What have you had, sir?
BoY. I've had two jellies, seven of them, and eleven of them, and six of those, and four Bath bunsa sausage roll, ten almond cakes, and a bottle of ginger beer.
NOTHING LIKE WARM BATHING.
Hollo! Hi! Here! Somebody! I've turned on the Hot Water, and I can't turn it 6ff again!




992                              HUNTING JOHN DORY.
HUNTING JOHN DORY.
BY GEORGE SOANE.
MATTHEW MIUCHMORE was a fat little gentleman, rashly accepting an invitation which might end,
on short legs, with a glistening eye, a round shiny  when too late to retreat, in cold orts and indigestiface, and so unctuous withal that he involuntarily  ble pickles. This was, to inquire at the various
impressed you with the idea he must have oil butchers and fishmongers who usually supplied his
in his veins instead of blood, like other people. friends, what their several customers had ordered,
He was a man of exquisite taste-not in music, nor and according to their replies,,all duly entered and
yet of painting, and still less could it be said of him noted down, would he regulate his visits for the
that he was particularly distinguished for his taste day.
in dress, or dancing, or any such frivolities; no, it  It was in compliance with this laudable custom
was in the matter of turtle and venison, champagne that our oleaginous little friend one day paid a visit
and Burgundy, that he was truly great; in these to the King's fishmonger. On a marble slab at one
his taste was pre-eminent.  Some foolish folks, side of the shop lay, as usual, several parcels of fish
whom I know, can see nothing to admire in this variously ticketed, according to their several destifaculty of appreciating good things, and make it a nations, and as he was by this time well known to
great merit that their coarse throats can swallow  the master, he was of course permitted to examine
any thing. But why should not taste be as much these important records, which he immediately fascultivated in the tongue as in any other organ? tened upon with all the gusto of an antiquary who
Surely there is quite as much merit in being able to has luckily discovered an illegible MS. There were
point out and relish the various niceties of some soles-better never appeared at the table of a duke;
exquisite dish-niceties imperceptible to the vul- cod-fish-the worst of them might have tempted a
gar,-as in the faculty of enjoying pictures with the Jew to forswear his creed, and sit at a Christian's
eye, or music with the ear. So thought and rea- feast, even without the hope of cheating him;
soned the great Matthew, and, by the beard of salmon-the Lord Mayor, and his whole court of
Plato, many worse systems of philosophy have been aldermen, might have abandoned the greenest turand still are current in the world. It unluckily, tle, or the highest venison, only for the chance of
however, chanced with him as it has done with so a single mouthful. But, pre-eminent amongst them
many other people, Nature and Fortune could by all was a John Dory-and oh! such a John! so
no means agree in electing him for a common fa- magnificent in his proportions! so delicate in his
vorite, for, while the one had endowed him with complexion! so firm in his texture! of a verity he
this admirable delicacy of palate, the other had might have been eaten even as he lay there, in all
been exceedingly niggard in supplying him with the his uncooked loveliness, unscathed by fire, unmeans of gratifying it. Hence it followed that he touched by water, unadulterated by sauce. The
was obliged to be a regular diner-out, if he meant heart of Matthew leaped within him as he gazed
to dine at all; but, as he had a fund of good humor upon this noble product of the salt seas; his eyes
to back him, could tell a story well, and was besides and mouth ran over from excess of rapture; his
no mean adept in the art of flattery, he was for the cheeks grew more oleaginous and shiny, the inward
most part a welcome guest at the table of his ac- spirit lighting up his face as a farthing rushlight
quaintance, whom, for his especial convenience, he dimly burns through the yellow horn of a lantern.
took care should be as numerous as possible. They A moment's glance at the ticket in the fish's jowl
were chosen, moreover, with every attention to the sufficed to show him that John was intended for the
qualities of their dinners, so that a certain malicious table of Lord Spring. Here was a glorious chance!
wag used to say that his dining frequently at any his lordship was one of those who constantly asked
house was as good as a diploma to the cook of that him to dinner, with the benevolent purpose of
particular establishment.                     laughing at him. "But let him laugh who wins!"
Still it would sometimes happen that his stomach thought Matthew to himself, and off he posted, on
got baffled and disappointed in its expectations; the wings of love-his passion really deserved the
the meals even of his most valued friends were not name-and in less than half an hour he was to be
at all times equally choice or well-supplied; and in seen knocking at his lordship's door,-not the loud,
more than one instance, when dropping in and in- bullying dub-dub of an importunate dun, nor the
vited to stop, the dinner which he fondly expected consequential rat-a-tat-tat that so fitly announces an
would consist at least of fish and fowl, in the ab- aristocratic visitor, nor yet the sneaking knock of a
sence of better things, proved to be that opprobri- poor artist who seeks for patronage,-but a sort of
um on decent housekeeping, cold meat, eked out conciliatory, yet firm tat-tat-tu, evincing that the
by the fragments of the day previous. Sorely was knocker has great respect for the knockee, but still
his patience tried, and his philosophy tasked by considers himself to be somebody in the world.
such occurrences; for, however good-humored a   Now it happened to be just nine o'clock, conseman may be, every human temper has limits to its quently his lordship was at breakfast,-people kept
powers of endurance, and this with him was the  shocking hours in those days to what they do now,
limit-the last straw on the back of the overloaded -and Matthew was fortunate enough to gain a
camel; it was the one evil of life that he could not ready admission to him.
bear without wincing, and his curses, like those of    "I was just thinking of you, Mat!" he exclaimed,
Macbeth's subjects, were not loud, but deep. At smiling benignantly on the epicure; "I have a
length, after long and serious reflection on the sub- score of jovial spirits to dine with me to-day. Supject, he bethought him of a notable expedient by  pose you join our party."
which he might be able to guess his bill of fare be-   Most cheerfully did Matthew accept the invitaforehand with some degree of certainty, instead of tion.




HUNTING JOHN DORY.                                     993
At this moment a servant entered, bearing on a    "Monsieur Dory?" said Madame; "I shall not
silver tray a small pink-colored note, redolent with  be acquaint with no Monsieur Dory."
all the perfumes-not of Arabia, but of De la Croix,    "If any thing should have happened to him on
or some other of his odorous brethren. It was from  the road 1" exclaimed Matthew, without noticing the
Madame Pantalon, a fashionable Frenchwoman, in  lady's disclaimer, fortified as it was by a double
whom his lordship especially delighted. As he read  negative; "if that careless rascal should have
her perfumed missive, a bland smile stole over his dropped him in the mud!"
face, indicative of satisfaction with the writer, and    "Mais, mon Dieu!" exclaimed Madame, waxing
he inquired of the servant what game there was in  impatient and irritable, "I shall not know him, no,
the house?"                                     nothing at all. Who is monsieur?"
"None," was the reply.                           "Bah!" said Matthew, angrily; "he's no monWhereat his lordship, giving a short, dissatisfied  sieur, he's a fish, the loveliest that ever smoked
"humph!" demanded if there was any fish.       upon a table!"
"Only a John Dory," said the gentleman's gentle-   Madame burst out into a prolonged fit of laughman, "which has just come in for your lordship's ing.
table to-day."                                     "Du poisson! ah! mon Dieu! a present. Now
"Is it a fine fish, Mortimer?"               I shall comprends,-you was intend an ugly mon"Remarkably, your lordship.",         ster, with a huge head, comme pa-ah! comme il
"That will do, then. Send it to Madame Panta- 6toit laid!"
ion, with my compliments, and say that I may per-   "Ugly? he was beautiful!"
haps see her to-morrow."                           "Eh! mon Dieu! you shall have de taste bien
Mortimer accordingly departed. But Matthew, extraordinaire; mais n'importe; I shall no like
unfortunate Matthew! the color fled from his rubi- such poissons, and have send him to my old ami,
cund cheeks, and he sate the image of despair. Monsieur Dumas."
Dido, abandoned by the false Aneas, did not look    This was the unkindest cut of all. Of Monsieur
more disconsolately after the ship of the flying  Dumas he absolutely knew nothing, except that he
traitor.                                        was suspected of being a Catholic priest, a danger"Why, what is the matter with you?" exclaimed  ous character to associate with in those days, when
his lordship.  " Are you ill, Mat?"            Popery was very generally believed to have an inti"Only a little touch of my old complaint, a little  mate connection with the cause of the Pretender,
vertigo, or so," said Matthew, the color bounding  who, even then, according to the best intelligence
back again to his cheeks.                       from abroad, was preparing to make another strug"God bless my soul!" exclaimed his lordship, gle for the throne of his ancestors. Independently,
starting up, and laying his hand on the bell-pull; then, of the peril, there would be no little difficulty
"he's going to have a fit; I'll send for Dr. Stumps." in contriving for himself a place at the dinner-table
"Not at all necessary, my lord; I am much bet- of a perfect stranger.
ter now; a mouthful of fresh air is all that is requi-   It was a daring scheme which our epicure medisite; so, with your leave, I'll just step into the park  tated; some may even feel disposed to call it a
for an hour or so."                             piece of matchless impudence: and in the very out"Then I must not expect you to dinner to-dayf I set his confidence was destined to be put to a severe
suppose?" said his lordship, in a tone of sympathy. trial. Scarcely had he time to rejoice in his dex"I fear not; but, perhaps, as I shall be so close, terity in obtaining his release from Madame and a
I may look in upon Madame."                     maccaroni dinner, than he encountered the misAt this reply, carelessly and dexterously as it was chief-loving Sir Frederick Sands.
given, the words seeming to slip from Matthew's    "My good fellow!" he exclaimed, in a tone that
lips almost without his consciousness, a sudden  was meant to express much friendly anxiety, "what
light flashed upon his lordship. He looked steadily  on earth could take you to the house of that Frenchat his visitor for a few moments, and then said, with  woman? Don't you know that to be seen going
a knowing laugh,                                there is to be suspected of Jacobitism in these days,
"Do so, Mat; John Dory is the best thing in the  and that to be so suspected is the nearest way to a
world for your complaint; and you can hint to Isa- halter and gibbet of your own? But whither away
belle that the fish I have just sent will not keep till so fast?"
to-morrow."                                        "To Lord Spring!" answered Matthew, vainly
Matthew now shuffled out of the room, with joy  endeavoring to free himself from  the knight's
at his heart, and posted off to the little Frenchwo- grasp.
man's. Here, as his lordship's friend, he was of    "Then I congratulate you," said the knight, "on
course made welcome, but not a word did the lady  the very fair chance you have of being hanged
say about dinner, despite of all his hints about un- forthwith. Why, Lord Spring is one of the staunchoccupied time, and not knowing what to do with  est adherents of the Pretender! there was a talk
himself. Madame, baffled, as it seemed, by his long  only the other day of sending him to the Tower
visit, at last begged he would stay and dine with her. upon suspicion."
"But this is fast-day," she said, smiling, "with    Matthew's jaw  immediately dropped, and his
us Catholics, and I have nothing but my favorite  whole face elongated prodigiously at this intimadish of Maccaroni."                             tion. But yet, to give up his John Dory! it was
"Good heavens!" exclaimed the alarmed epicure, impossible to entertain such an idea for a single
" then John has not come?"                     moment.
"Jean!" said the lady, opening her eyes to the    " Come what may come," thought he to himself,
utmost, and giving a shrug, such as only a French- "I must and will dine upon John this blessed day,
woman can give. " What Jean?"                  -yea, though I should lose my head for it to-mor" The beautiful John Dory!" cried Matthew, more  row."
in the way of exclamation than reply.              Resolution worthy of a Roman! and by way of




994                                HUNTING JOHN DORY.
tempering so much courage with a due mixture of readiness to see the urgent gentleman, and up
caution and prudence, he communicated the whole marched Matthew into the drawing-room, under the
history of his past and future wanderings to Sir convoy of the servant, who, having placed a chair,
Frederick, so that in case of any accident he might again withdrew to the lower regions, leaving the
have a staunch loyalist and a true-blue Protestant two principals looking at each other in silence.
to fall back upon for a character. To all these de-   "I crave your pardon, sir," at length said the
tails did his mischievous auditor seriously incline, veracious Matthew; " when I asked for Mr. Dumas,
and having heard him out, commended with lauda- I fully expected to see a very different person,ble gravity his pursuit of the fish-the flying fish, one, indeed, who is not half your years, and permit
as he called it,-but all the time with the secret in- me to add, who is by no means so well calculated
tention of leading him into a scrape before the day  as yourself for the higher walks of life."
was over. Somehow or other, it generally happens    "There needs no apology, Mr. Muchmore," said
that when a man is bent on any mischief, the devil the old gentleman, peering out the name from a
is sure to be ready at his elbow with the means. furtive glance at the card, which he still held in
And so it chanced now. Scarcely had Matthew  hand.
bade farewell to his insidious adviser, than a certain    " I am quite ashamed of my stupid blunder," resecretary, well known as a Government spy, made plied the bashful visitant, "and fear I must give up'
his appearance on the scene. Touching his hat to  all hope of ever seeing the object of my search. I
Sir Frederick, he was about to pass on, as one who  have already been over half London."
thought his absence was more likely to be agreeable    The benevolent old gentleman took the hint, and
than his company, when the latter, staying him, politely requested him to be seated. Here was one
said,                                           point gained, at all events.
"A word with you, Mr. Breedon!"                "You are too good," said Matthew; "I ought
The spy started at the summons, not quite satis- by this time to be with Lord Spring; but, no matfled whether he was going to receive a bribe or a ter; I can put off that business to another day."
beating, for his conscience, without being asked,   "Lord Spring!" exclaimed the old gentleman;
assured him he had quite as good a right to expect "you are acquainted with that excellent nobleman,
one as the other. He stopped, notwithstanding; -my worthy friend, if I may presume to call him
blows being much too common an occurrence with  so?"
him to let the fear of them stand in the way of any    "Intimately," replied Matthew; "I was at his
better chance.                                 breakfast-table this very morning."
"Well met, Mr. Breedon!" cried Sir Frederick,   Our epicure had struck the right chord. The
hastily; "you have come in the very nick to do a benevolent old gentleman came at once to look
service to the state, and to yourself at the same upon him as a friend's friend, and throwing off the
time."                                         last shades of reserve, earnestly pressed him to take
Mr. Breedon instantly called up a look of patriot- some refreshments. " Would he like wine and bisism that would have done "honor to the noblest cuits? or did he prefer a sandwich?"
Roman of them all,"-it was absolutely Brutus in   "Much obliged to you," said Matthew; "but, as
coat, waistcoat, and trowsers,-a great improve- I like to dine early, I seldom eat anything before
ment on the costume of ancient Rome.            that meal."
" You see that short, fat man, in the blue coat   This was a wise forbearance, and showed the
and grey trowsers?  Yonder, I mean,-he is look- delicacy of his tact, but still did not produce the
ing in at the pastrycook's window, —now he walks hoped-for invitation; so Matthew did all that could
on again. Do you mark him?"                    be done.in such a dilemma. He made himself as
"'I have him," said the spy, eagerly         agreeable as possible,-told a thousand pleasant
" Then follow him; watch him; do not lose him  anecdotes, at which, indeed, he was an adept,-disfor a moment."                                 cussed every subject that he thought most likely to
" I won't."                                  prove interesting to his host,-and, in short, played
" He's a Jesuit in disguise!" continued Sir Fred- his part so well, that the old gentleman at last reerick, sinking his voice into a mysterious whisper.  quested the favor of his company to dinner.
"Is he, indeed!" said the spy, in a similar tone;    "Oh! John Dory! John Dory!" mentally ejacu"but truly I thought as much; he has all the air lated the delighted Matthew, "at last I have thee!
of St. Omer's about him, though he's much fatter -post tot casus, tot discrimina rerum-after so
than the breed in general."                     many cruel disappointments, so many buffetings of
"Fat as he is, he brings letters from the Pre- unkind fortune!"
tender to the Jacobites on this side of the water.   On his invitation being accepted, the old gentleHe has just come out of Madame Pantalon's-you  man politely expressed a hope that his guest might
must have heard of her-she corresponds with half be able to make a meal of the Lenten diet he had
the Catholics in England, and he is now going to  to set before him. "Not expecting," he said, " the'Mr..Dumas, who is generally suspected for a Jesuit." pleasure of any company, he had nothing better for
Off galloped the spy in pursuit of Matthew, who, dinner than some soup-maigr-e and an omelette."
in his no less eager pursuit of the John Dory, had    At this announcement, Matthew was thunderby this time reached the house of Mr. Dumas. For struck-no John Dory, after all! Had Fate hera moment a qualm of bashfulness withheld his up- self entered the lists against him, and vowed to
lifted hand from the knocker, but he thought of make him a second Tantalus?  He groaned inwardJohn, and immediately was himself again. Down  ly at the idea. And what had become of the fish?
came the knocker, out came the servant, and in -whither had it gone?-who was the lucky mortal
went the modest Matthew, with an intimation that destined by too partial fortune to feed upon its
he wished to see Mr. Dumas on a very urgent busi- sweetness?  It was no easy matter to get a solution
ness. In a few minutes, a message was brought of these knotty points, except, indeed, by putting
down from the master of the house, expressing his the question directly to the old gentleman, and this




IIUNTING JOHN DORY.                                   995
was rather too much even for the modesty of our   Again the hunchback gave one of his inexplicable
friend Matthew; so he fidgeted, and bit his fingers, leers, and his voice lost none of its wonted gentleand looked foolish, greatly to the surprise of his ness, as he replied, "Well, that does show an honhost, who could only attribute these symptoms to  est mind; there's at least the intention to paydiscontent with the Lenten fare he had announced. when you can."
In his usual spirit of kindness, therefore, he said,  "Of course, of course," said Matthew, hastily.
"'Tis a pity you did not happen to call a few    "And now you are here," said the hunchback,
minutes earlier, as in that case I might have amend- " perhaps you will honor my poor house by taking
ed our meal with a splendid John Dory. It had  your nooning with me?-some cake and a glass of
just come in from an old friend; but being much  sherry?"
too great a treat for a bachelor dining alone, I sent   "Nay, that were to spoil your dinner; for I
it off to good Master Gillies."                know you keep early hours, and it's hard upon two
"The hunchbacked tailor of Cheapside?" said  already; but, if it does not put you too much out
Matthew, with sudden vivacity.                 of your way, I'll take a snack with you when you'" The same," replied the old gentleman. ", Odd sit down to dinner."
enough that, high or low, you should seem to know    "I shall be proud of your company," said the
all my acquaintance."                         tailor. " Excuse me, though, for a few minutes,
"Very odd," responded Matthew. "And now I I have some orders to give the men in the workthink of it, I promised to see him to-day by one shop."
o'clock. It's on the matter of a bill of some stand-   "Oh! don't let me interfere with business," exing; —and really I wonder how I came to forget it." claimed Matthew. "Do exactly as if I were not
Great was the old gentleman's admiration of this here."
spirit of punctuality, —so great, indeed, that he was   To this the hunchback only replied by one of his
not particularly urgent with Matthew to fulfil his uncomfortable smiles, and edged off, something affirst promise of dining with him on omelette and  ter the fashion of a crab, into his back-parlor.
soup-rmaigre; so that our unctuous friend once    "Confound the little distortion!" muttered Matmore found himself in the street in pursuit of the thew, as the door closed upon his host; "I hardly
fugitive John Dory. But in proportion as his speed  know what to make of him to-day. Now if he has
brought him nearer and nearer to the tailor's well- gone out only to send for one of the city-officers,
known shop, so did his confidence in himself and  meaning to pack me off to the Compter, now that
his cause decline, the fact being that he was in he has me in the rat-trap?  Oh, John Dory! John
Master Gillies' books, but not in his good books, Dory! what toils, what perils do I encounter for
and between the two there is a wide difference. thy sake!"
Poor Matthew's appetite quailed for a moment when    This was a wise suspicion, all things considered,
he remembered this circumstance, and how much  and it was not a little strengthened when, through
worse than gout or rheumatism was the twinge the shop-window, he saw one of the hunchback's
from a bailiff's paw, however lightly laid upon the myrmidons hurrying along like one who is bound
shoulder; but John Dory still gleamed to his fancy  on a business that requires no ordinary despatch.
in the distance, marshalling him the way that he    After such a hint, it would have been no very
should go, as whilom the visionary dagger led Mac- prudent measure to have trusted implicitly to his
beth to the king's bed-room. On it beckoned him, host's smiles: out, therefore, he darted, and foland on he went, as if writs had been only innocent lowed, though not too closely, the steps of the flybits of parchment, with no more harm in them than  ing tailor, till he saw him enter a house with grated
so many strips for tailors' measures.          windows, and a huge brass plate affixed. On the
In this desperate mood, he entered the domicil of latter, even at that distance, he could plainly read,
the redoubted fashioner, and though at the first " Thomas Fangs, Officer to the Sheriffs of London
glimpse of his visitant a dark cloud passed over the and Middlesex,"-a proof that even in those days
hunchback's face, yet this was transitory as an bailiffs had the grace to be ashamed of their vocaApril shower, and like that was succeeded by a fair tion, and so endeavored to cloak a foul office by a
sunshine.                                      fine name.  Here was "confirmation strong as
"I have not come to pay you," said Matthew, proof of holy writ;" and, as if that were not
deeming it wisest to anticipate the attack that he enough, the tailor's man had not been in the house
knew else awaited him,- "I have not, indeed."  more than a minute when he came out again with
"I did not suppose you had," answered the Mr. Fangs himself in his best top-boots, a dirty,
hunchback, in a mild voice. " It's rather the old bandy-legged follower bringing up the rear of this
suit for a new suit, I should imagine."  And the respectable party. Off flew Matthew the instant
little man chuckled as gently at his own facetious- his eye caught them, up this alley and down anness, as if he were half ashamed of doing any thing  other, till he was fairly brought to a stand, from
so much out of character.                      want of breath, at a timber-yard on the river side.
Matthew of course laughed, and in a much louder By a sort of blind impulse he dashed into the yard,
key, as in prudence bound; but the next moment, and finding the door of comnniunication open beputting on a demure face, he gravely said, "No, no, tween that and the house adjoining, he entered
Master Gillies; henceforth I intend incurring no without hesitation, and scampered up stairs to the
fresh bills till I have paid off what I already owe."  drawing-room, much to the surprise of those who
"A very virtuous resolution," said the hunch- were sitting about the fire-place in expectation of
back, with a smile. What that smile meant, it was their dinner.
no easy matter to divine; but it made Matthew feel   " Mr. Muchmore!" cried the lady of the mansion.
any thing rather than comfortable.               "Matthew!" exclaimed the master; "where, in
" I have only called," he said, " that you might the name of wonder, do you come from?-and why
see I have not forgotten you, nor the little unset- in this strange fashion? One would fancy you had
tied account between us."                      dropt down from the clouds amongst us."




996                                HUNTING JOHN DORY.
The sound of these familiar voices acted upon  be his bail, and I hardly think you'll venture to reMatthew like cold water dashed into the face of a fuse it."
patient just about to go off into a fit. His alarm    "Bail!" said the man, with a sardonic grin; "it's
at tailors and bailiffs passed away in a minute; and  much you know of these matters. Why, it ain't
he at once saw that he had stumbled, without know- bailable,-not in no court."
ing it, into the house of an old friend,-no other,   "Not bailable!" cried the merchant. "I never
indeed, than John Gillies, the timber-merchant. It heard of such a thing!"
would be difficult to say which party looked the    "You hear it now, then," said the man, " and it's
most astonished,-Matthew, or mine host and his I that tells you-John Holdfast; so mind, old genfamily; but the former, with whom bashfulness was tleman, you remember it another time."
at no time a predominant failing, soon recovered    Before the merchant could deliver himself of the
himself enough to stammer out in excuse, that, angry reply that was at his tongue's end, Mr. Breewishing to cut a most unpleasant acquaintance, he  don-for it was no other than that worthy-gracehad taken refuge in the merchant's dwelling. Now  fully stepped forward, and, with as much joy in his
this certainly was the truth, only it happened to be  face as if he were communicating the pleasantest
truth in disguise, and it passed muster very well news imaginable, informed him that his friend was
with the frank-hearted man of deals, who invited  not arrested for debt, but apprehended on a charge
him, since he was there, to stay and take pot-luck  of high treason.
with the family.                                  " Me!" exclaimed the astonished Matthew,-" ap"By the by," he said, " we have had an odd ac- prehend me upon a charge of high treason! There
cident to-day, that I was angry enough about at must be some mistake!"
the time, but which I am not sorry for now that I    " That'ere's no consarn of mine," cried the Bow
find we are to have the pleasure of your company. Street myrmidon.  "Make the Old Bailey jury beA fine John Dorv was brought to the house about lieve as much, and it may save you a ride to Tyhalf an hour ago, and, as it was directed to Mr. burn."
Gillies,-some namesake, of mine, I suppose,-the    "Are you sure that this gentleman is the person
cook thought it had been sent in by me to eke out intended in your warrant?" asked the merchant,
a short dinner, and without farther ceremony  quite satisfied that his fat friend was the last person
popped it into the fish-kettle. It was only from a in the world to mix himself up in any thing of the
few words dropped casually that I learned the mis- kind.
take, and then it was too late to attempt rectifying    "You're precious hard of belief," replied the
it-the fish was nearly half-boiled; so, although  man, with a sneer.  "Read the warrant yoursomewhat against my conscience, I e'en left Master self."
John where I found him-in hot water."             The merchant took the sealed parchment, and
Here was a, pleasant stroke of that whimsical seemed to scan it over and over again, his perplexijade, Fortune-after having hunted John Dory all ty being any thing but lessened by the perusal. At
the morning to no purpose, now to stumble upon  length he said, "The warrant bears your name,
him in a place and at a time when such a thing  sure enough. I should not wonder if some informcould be least expected. The heart of Mat, there- ing scoundrel has been trumping up this ridiculous
fore, leaped and was glad within him at the messen- charge, in the hope of somehow or other making
ger's stupidity in consigning the precious cargo to  money of you. There is no help for it, I fear,"
a wrong port, and internally he vowed to make  continued the merchant. "You must needs go,
himself amends by many a precious morsel for all and I will go with you to see that you have fair
his previous disappointments. But "'homme pro- play in this matter."
pose, et Dieu dispose," says the proverb, and so it   For the first time, in the whole course of that
turned out on the present occasion.             eventful day, was Matthew false to the memory of
It was past the usual dinner-hour, and the tim- John Dory.
ber-merchant, having  repeatedly  consulted  his   The magistrate, into whose awful presence Matwatch at short intervals, and as often received  thew was now led, or rather dragged, was devoted,
from it a renewed assurance of the fact, began to  as becomes a worshipful law-dispenser, soul and
be impatient; his wife smiled more and more lan- body to the powers that be. Short work was made
guidlyin answer to his increasing complaints of the with Matthew. He was fully committed to Newcook's want of punctuality; the young ladies looked  gate to take his trial, with a very fair chance of bepale and dull from fasting;. and when nearly half ing hanged, unless some Deus ex machind descendan hour had thus elapsed, and still no call came to  ed, in this the fifth and last act, to save him from
dinner, even Matthew's previous hilarity and tri- the gallows.
umph gave way to certain unpleasant misgivings,   The hours passed sadly enough with the unlucky
though he, too, was silent, hiding in his bosom, as prisoner; confused visions of rope, and John Dory,
whilom did the Spartan boy, the foe that was de- and bailiffs, floated before his troubled brain, and
vouring him.                                    even his appetite failed him, though the jailor very
At length, instead of dinner, two strangers were  affectionately placed before him a nice loaf of sour
announced, the one a little, thin, dapper coxcomb, black bread, and a large pitcher full to the brim of
in a sky-blue coat, and the other a tall, broad- Thames water. Nor were matters much mended
shouldered varlet, with legs and arms conformable, when night came. In spite of the accommodation
and a bull-neck, admirably calculated for the sup- afforded by a bundle of somewhat musty straw,
port of the huge head that rested on it.        poor Matthew could not for a long time compose
"That's Mr. Muchmore," cried the sky-blue indi- himself to sleep; and even when, at a late hour, his
vidual, pointing to our friend Matthew.        eyes at length were closed, his dreams had just the
"Then you must come with me," said the more  same color as his waking fancies: they were made
rugged personage, stepping forward.            up of fish, bailiffs, and hangmen. In one of them
"Not so, friend," replied the merchant. "I'll he cut off his own head with his own hands, and




THESEUS AND ARIADNE.                                    997
held it up to the admiring multitude, the said head  discharge. More than that, he is anxious to see
discoursing most feelingly all the time on the wis- you, and has invited you to dinner."
dom of eating apple-sauce with fish, and stuffing    "To dinner!" sighed Matthew, for the thought of
goose with parsley and red-herrings!            John Dory rushed full upon his memory, now that
It was now the evening of the second day, and  he felt himself safe, and the tears came to his eyes.
Mat, from want of his usual food and sleep, hlad    Matthew was duly introduced to the minister,
grown more disconsolate than ever, when suddenly  and sat down to dinner with a select party of friends
the dungeon-door opened, and Sir Frederick ap- of both sexes. There was the welcome clatter of
peared, his finger on his lip to intimate the necessi- plates and glasses, —the delicious odor of soup from
ty of silence, and an expression of fear in his face, the yet uncovered tureen,-then the serving-men
that effectually stifled the joyful exclamation that stepped noiselessly forward, and all the covers were
was rising to greet his presence.              simultaneously removed,-all, save one, and that
"Bribery! -escape! -caution!" he whispered  one stood before Matthew. A moment's pause folrapidly, and seizing Matthew's by no means unwil- lowed-every eye was fixed with an odd expression
ling hand, he led him forth from the dungeon.  upon our unctuous friend, who actually gasped with
At last he found himself whirled along the streets expectation. His color went and came like a young
in Sir Frederick's own carriage. Then, and not till lady when first listening to a lover, or like a dying
then, did he venture to ask how this wonderful es- dolphin, only the simile is somewhat the worse for
cape had been contrived. Sir Frederick burst into  wear-the servant, at a sign from his master, rea fit of laughter.                             moved the cover-and what a glorious sight!-it
"My good fellow, your escape is all a hoax. I was-yes, it was a John Dory!-a fresh John Dory!
heard from Breedon what had happened-indeed, -a plump John Dory!-fresher, plumper than that
to own the truth, it was I who set him on —and im- for which he had gone through so many trials!
mediately I went and explained all to my friend, Happy, happy, happy Matthew!
Sir Robert Walpole, who gave me an order for your
THESEUS AND ARIADNE.
BY J. R. PLANCHE.
So drained is every source of mirth, so low the King Minos, having thump'd his foes, politely did
muses' spring,                                 desire'em'Tis quite a puzzle now-a-days to find a theme to To day a yearly tribute to this semi-bovemque vising.                                          rum:
Of modern dames and heroes (you have heard Seven fine young men, seven fair young maidsenough, and so                                 with cruel glee he drove'emI'll sing of one or two who flourished many years To furnish for an annual feast to this semi-virumque
ago.                                           bovem I
In ancient times the Isle of Crete through all the But just as the Athenians had begun in fact to
world was famed,                               scorn hope,
And by a mighty monarch governed, who was Young Theseus nobly volunteered to lead this most
Minos named.                                    forlorn hope;
On Athens he made war, and thrash'd her army  The king's fair daughter saw him, and for love went
and her fleet,,                    almost mad; neiUntil they wished with all their hearts that he was Ther had he seen a beauty like the Princess
Minos Crete.                                   Ariadne.
This monarch to a monster was allied in some She whisper'd softly in his ear, "My caution, do
degree;                                        not mock it!
A greater brute-the monster, mind-no eye did Be ruled by me, and put this ball of cotton in your
ever see:                                      pocket;
If we may trust the poets, he was called the Mino-'Twill guide you through the labyrinth." The youth,
taur,                                          for fame who thirsted,
And, half a man and half a bull, was reckon'd quite  Cried, " Lady, by this cotton shall the Minotaur be
a bore!                                       worsted!"
A labyrinth he liv'd in, as said poets also say;  He vow'd eternal gratitude, as people always do;
And never fasted save when he had nought where- And first he ran the labyrinth, and next, the monon to prey.                                    ster through,
This labyrinth was hard to thread, according to  Then starting with his chore amie, like beau of modreport,                                        ern days,
And very like the one no doubt you've seen-at Left no one in the labyrinth but all folks in aHampton Court.                                 maze!
64




998                      OH, LOVE, YOU'VE BEEN A VILLAIN.
They stopp'd at Naxos by the way, and as he prom- To him with many a sigh she told her situation
ised marriage,                                strange,
The trusting fair was any thing but prudent in her And down he threw a five-pound note, crying
carriage.                                     "Never mind the change.
Imagine then her horror when she found at-break Come, dry your eyes, I whining hate, though god
of day                                        of wine I am,
Her lover had levanted, and left her-the bill to And I'll drown your real pain, my dear, in plenty
pay!                                         of my Cham!"
She call'd, she bawl'd, she tore her hair —wigs then She jump'd at such an offer, and his priestess soon
were not in fashion,                          was made,
Or other heads had profited by this poor lady's And long with him she drove a roaring wine and
passion;                                      spirit trade;
When Bacchus, whom to post all night late revel And thus by her example'tis-at least, so I've been
often forces,                                 thinkingStopped at that very Bunch of Grapes to breakfast That ladies, when they're cross'd in love, are apt to
and change horses.                            take to drinking.
OH, LOVE, YOU'VE BEEN A VILLAIN.
BY J. R. PLANCHE.
LOVERS who are young, indeed, and wish to know          Running bills with tailors,
the sort of life                                    Locking up by jailers,
That in this world you're like to lead, ere you can    Bread and water diet then your sensesto restore.
say you've caught a wife;                           Sighing, dying,
Listen to the lay of one who's had- with Cupid much     Losing, musing,
to do,                                              Walking, stalking,
And love-sick once, is love-sick still, but in another  Hatching, catching,
point of view.                                      Spoiling, toiling,
Woman, though so kind she seems, will take your         Rhyming, chiming,
heart, and tantalize it-                            Running up a score.
Were it made of Portland stone, she'd manage to  Oh, Love, you've been a villain, since the days of
McAdamize it.                                 Troy and Helen,
Dairy-maid or duchess               When you caused the fall of Paris, and of very
Keep it from her clutches,              many more.
If you'd ever wish to know a quiet moment more.
Wooing, cooing,                     Finding all you've suffered has but been the sport
Seming, scheming,                       ofjilting jades,
PSmiling, ewiling,                  And calling out your rival in the style of all true
Pleing, beasing,                        tilting blades.
Taking, breaking.,                  Feeling, ere you've breakfasted, a bullet through
Clutching, touching,                    your body pass,
Bosoms to the core.                 And cursing, then, your cruel fate, and looking
Oh, love, you've been a villain since the days of  very like an ass.
Troy and Helen,      -                    Popped into a coffin, just as dead as suits your time
When you caused the fall of Paris, and of very    of life;
many more.                                Paragraphed in papers, too, as "cut off in the
prime of life."
When the earth you're under
Sighing like a furnace, in the hope that you may        Just a nine days' wonder,
win her still,                              And the world jogs on again, exactly as before.
And losing health and appetite, and growing thin        Jilting, tilting,
and thinner still;                                  Calling, falling,
Walking in the wet before her window or her door        Swearing, tearing,
o' nights,                                          Lying, dying.
And catching nothing but a cold, with waiting           Cenotaphed and paragraphed,
there a score o' nights.                            And reckoned quite a bore.
Spoiling paper by the ream, with rhymes devoid of Oh, Love, you've been a villain since the days of
reasoning,                                  - Troy and Helen,
As silly and insipid as w goose without the season- When you caused the fall of Paris, and of very
ing.                                          many more.




THE BOAT RACE.                                     999
THE BOAT RACE.
FROM "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF PETER PRIGMINS."  ANONYMOUS.
"ROBERT RURAL, ESQ., Rustic Grange, Rutlandshire.  " It was an understood thing throughout the uni"DEAR BoB,-I am very seedy, and rather stiff; versity that any man, who chose, might go to Hennevertheless I cannot resist the inclination I feel to ley, provided he asked leave of the Dean of his
try to relieve the ennui under which you must be college, was back before twelve o'clock, and did not
laboring in the country. The idea of being boxed  go in a tandem, which was very rigidly and very proup with your old governess at the Grange!-doing  perly forbidden. Our Dean, you know, is a regular
penance on barley-water and boiled chicken-no  trump, and though he keeps his teams to their work
beer, no wine, no nothing-in submission to the -never double thongs them unnecessarily, and is
orders of your medical, is rather a nuisance I cal- always ready to grant all reasonable indulgences.
culate; but it's all your own fault, you will be so  Upon the present occasion he showed his usualjudgdevilish fast there's no stopping you, until you run  ment and kindness,by bargaining with Costar and the
your head against some wall or other, and get other proprietors, for two coaches to carry all the
pulled up all of a heap-just as if you could not men who wished to go, to Henley and back, at a
have kept quiet for one week, and pulled in our certain moderate sum; thereby ensuring comfort
boat, instead of larking off to Witney after Poll and economy too. I got leave to go in Kickum's
Stitch- the little ugly milliner's girl, and depriving  trap, with three other men-Dick Downe, who was
us of the best No. 7 that ever turned oar in ro'llock, to be wagoner, and wanted to use the long reins;
thereby losing your laurel crown (though one of but the Dean would not hear of it, though Dick
parsley would be more congenial now with your brought up fifteen of his most intimate friendschicken); for, to ease your doubts at once, Oxford  presiding geniuses of the'Tivy,''Tally-ho,' and
won by a hundred yards at least; but I must give other crack coaches, to certify to his proficiency in
you an account of the whole thing, it was res non handling the ribbons; and could have produced
parva I can tell you.                          their wives and families to strengthen his case, if re"We found no little difficulty in getting a man  quisite, for Dick is too fond of all connected with
to supply your place, but at last obtained a Jesus coaching to limit his attentions to the male branchman, full of bone and beer; which last substance  es of the profession. It was no go-so we had a
wve succeeded in abstracting by a severe course of  pair, and a pair of good ones-Woodpecker, that
sudorifics and salts, under the advice and inspection  kicked Sam Strapper's leg in two, and old Peter
of Stephen Dair, who got him into wind, by making  that bit a piece out of Will Wisp's breeches.
him pull behind him, in a two-oar, down to Iffley    "Our two friends, who rode behind, were Soloand back, every other hour every day, as soon as mon, the son of Sir Solomon Stingo, the great Lonhe considered him medicinally safe for a start; giv- don porter brewer, who is generally known by the
ing him two sour plums, and a glass of acid Chablis sobriquet of the Knight of Malta, and Tim Tripes,
between the heats, to keep his pluck up. He pulls a fresh importation from Charterhouse; and, of
stronger than you, old fellow, and that's saying a course, a good judge of London entire.
good deal for him; but, as Stephen says,'rolls   "Now, I confess to a little malice in our motives
about in the boat like a barrel of beer in Squashy  for picking out these two men, we made sure of a
and Washy's dray;'-that will soon be rectified.   good rise or two out of them during the day. Solo"The crew started two days before the race, and  mon is a great ass, very rich and very stingy; but
pulled gently down to Henley, merely trying a spirt he consented to pay pipes all the way, provided he
now and then to prove their wind, when they came was allowed to play a tune on a tin trumpet in
to a fine reach, and arrived at the Hart in splen- every village we passed through, and to announce
did condition-their hands as hard as horn and  our approach to the various pikemen. He can't
without a blister, owing to Stephen's training and  bear the slightest allusion to malt in any shapesuperior bees-wax.- Not an ounce of spare flesh  small-beer, table-ale, XX, or stout, and would not
among them, even in the Welshman; but skin clear, be seen with a pewter in his hand, to get his goverand well strained over the starting muscles, with nor a baronetcy. I knew from Tripe's talents in
eyes as'bright as bricks,' as Lord Nincompoop that line, he would insist on pulling up at every
very ably remarked; he's always great at a simile. public on the road, to'wash the dust out of his
Stephen ordered'the beefsteaks, and presided over mouth,' and thereby drive the brewer's boy into
the cooking of them, to insure their being properly  hysterics or convulsions. Rise No. 1.
not cooked; that is, merely just shown the fire to    " You don't know Solomon, so I'll just give you
produce sufficient perfume and outside coloring to  an idea of him. Did you ever see a troop of yeoconvince the consumers they were not performing  manry practising what is called post exercise; that
an act of cannibalism. To wash down this morfeau is, learning to cut off human heads by chopping
each man was allowed half a pint of porter, and with their swords at a lump of wood like a barber's
four glasses of port wine, and then Stephen under- block stuck onl a barber's pole? because that samle
took'the character of chambermaid for that night pole with the block on it will give you no bad noonly,' and saw every man safe in bed; an example tion of Solomon's head and neck-shoulders he has
he followed himself, after putting on his usual none; but to compensate for the deficiency of his
nightcap - fourteen glasses of cold without, and upper build, he displays what the sailors call a retwenty-eight cigars-judiciously observing as he markable breadth of beam amidships, and his legs
bit one end of the last, and missed the candle with appear as if he had obtained a grace of the house,
the other, in endeavoring to light it,' I'm not a go- or a dispensation from the vice-chancellor to wear
ing to pull nor steer, and it's very hard if I can't the calf downwards. His face seems as if it had
have a little rational recreation!'            been badly cut out of a frosty savoy, and thatched




1000                                  THE BOAT RACE.
with red-wheat straw, ferret-eyes, and a mouth evi- of the same sum between four of us-for I don't
dently designed to dis- mean to stand treat except for the crow-tart and
pose of asparagus by  porter.'
the bundle. His dress    " We did not oppose the stingy dog's whim then,
in the worst possible  but got all our rattletraps into the pheaton, as
outrE taste of a Regent Kickum's ostler (not to vary from his kind) called
Street Sunday buck, it, and started as soon as Woodpecker and Old
with gold pins, rings, Peter had done kicking and biting. They went off
\ and chains, as osten- screwy at first, being groggy from  overfast work:
tatiously displayed on  but as Kickum predicted,'as soon as they got
all parts of his person  warm, and the jint ile began to act,' away they
as if he were training  went, about twelve miles an hour, thus illustrating
for bagman to a Brum- Virgil's' vires acquirit eundo.' We got along well
magem jeweller.  To  till we came to the Harcourt Arms, at Nuneham.
crown all, on his nasty  Solomon pulled out his tin trumpet, and had just
soapy  red  hair, he  commenced toot-toot-tooing, to the evident risk of
wears a white beaver blowing his front teeth out, when Tripes bawled
tastily turned up with  out,' Wo-ho!'-a sound Woodpecker and Old Peter
green eaves. He is no  willingly obeyed, in spite of Dick's persuasions
beauty, you'll allow.   lashingly applied.'I say, old fellows, you don't!  Al' q w  2: b    "Tim  Tripes, you  think I'm going to pass the best glass of ale on the
-    know, as the best bow- road? Hillo! Mother Bung! bring out four quarts
oar in our boat - a of the best, in the pewters! What's one a-piece to
little thick set fellow  begin with?' I turned round to get a glimpse of
with  splendid shoul- Solomon's savoy-he was looking daggers at Tripes,
ders and deltoids well and holding the tin trrumpet up in the air, like Mr.
developed, full of pluck  Harper preparing for a flourish, indicating a hostile
and science-not Aris- descent on the head of his enemy' —but Tim doubled
totle's, but Mr. Jack- his palm, which was ready extended for the malt,
son's running a little too much to middle from con- and merely observed,'If you do,' when the arm
stitutional unwillingness to let go a quart of porter dropped listlessly by his side, and'the music' into
before he has seen the bottom of it; a trick ac- the road, where it performed a peculiar description
quired from tibbingout down the lane, i. e., Char- of pirouette, for two minutes, in the dust, to Soloterhouse lane, to the Red Cow; the landlord of mon's horror-as he had to give a quart of beer to
which noted public, generally a retired fighting  the blacksmith's man for wiping it with his dirty
man, looked with sovereign contempt on every man  apron.
and boy who'couldn't swallow a kevart hoff at   "'Here's to you, Mr. Musician,' cried Tripes;
vonce.''come, sink your family failing for once, and taste
" As I knew the little town of Henley would be  the tap-won't you?-Then I'll do it for you.' The
full to overflowing, I took the precaution of writing  hand and head went gradually and beautifully
to an old college friend to secure stables or stalls back together, until the initials of Mary Thompson
for the prads. In reply he told me he had succeed- were visible at the bottom of the cup, and he found
ed in doing so, at the Bell or the Bull, but from the  breath to say,' All right, Dick! the gentleman with
horrid nature of his scrawl, resembling Egyptian  red hair will pay you as we come back, Mother
hieroglyphics, Sanscrit, and Arabic characters, I Bung; by! by!'
could not tell which, so I left it to chance, or Prov-    "Solomon swore it was a shame, and said he'd
idence-which some of our senators consider the  be blowed if he would-and sulked and grumbled
same thing.                                     to Dorchester, where his conceit of his musical abil"Just before we set off, I saw Solomon's tiger ities got the better of his temper, and he blew his
busily employed in wiping the moisture off his fore- tin vociferously, till the White Hart appeared in
head (with the wash-leather intended for polishing  view, when Tripes again cried'Wo-ho! capital
his master's wine-glasses), caused, it appeared, from  porter here. Landlord! four pints best stout.' It
over exertion in trying to cram  a large hamper was only three miles from our last pull up, so we
under the trap, which Solomon kindly informed us, positively declined. But Tripes insisted on his alwith as knowing a look as his ferrety eyes could  lowance, taking especial care, in handing it into the
convey, contained six bottles of gooseberry chamin- tap, to drop a teacupfull over Solomon's new white
pagne, two of British brandy, and a large rook-pie, kerseymeres, and drank it leisurely, to enjoy, with
with bottled porter to match;;'for you know,' said  one eye, the spiteful look of vindictiveness depicthe,' they impose dreadful at inns, at public times, ed on his victim's face, as he carefully removed the
and we can slip out the back way, sit down in a' stain upon his honor' with a refulgent red pocketfield, and have a good dinner cheap, six bottles of  handkerchief, till Tripes cried out,'All right, the
sham champagne-it's very good, though-twelve  gentleman in beery breeches will pay as we come
shillings;- two of brandy —best British —nine; back.'
-that's a guinea.' (Making use of his fingers for    "About a mile further is a little place called Shilready reckoners.) The rooks I shot at Nuneham  lingford, with two road-side houses just opposite
a week ago, and got Mother Priggins to put a cover each other, where Tripes wanted to stop again, to
over them, in exchange for an old waistcoat-so  see whether a proper sense of competition had stimthat don't count. My governor stands porter-we  ulated the respective landlords to brew something
can beg a bit of salt, and buy a twopenny buster a little better than common, but his usual' Wo-ho!'
at a baker's shop. Now, if we had dined at the inn, would not have succeeded, for Dick was awake to
we should have had to pay a guinea a-piece, instead  his plans by this time, and was cutting into Wood



THE BOAT RACE.                                   1001
pecker and Old Peter unmercifully, had not the water- have done, whispered loudly enough for the whole
troughs on either side of the road proved as tempt- assembly to hear,' Dick! I thought as how you
ing to the nags, as the words'real home brewed,' was too far advanced to put such an hass as that
did to Tripes. There we were! Woodpecker, who into a guard's place! —Why, his werry looks'ud
was on the near side, making for the left-hand trough, ruin the best conairn on the road.' Dick made an
and Old Peter doggedly determined to reach the humble apology, and an offer of a libation, which
other on the right —each horse being ably assisted in  Will accepted, in the shape of two glasses of cold
his struggles by the ostler and landlord of the house brandy-and-water, concentrated into one, and then
for which he was showing so decided a preference, mounted his box and drove off for Henley, with his
when the landladies endeavored to' seduce the gen- fourteen outside and six in-the supernumeraries
tlemen on their sides. Dick dropped his whip in being shouldered, in course!'
despair, singing'How happy could I be with    "Solomon was too deeply engaged in trying (foreither!' and the'war of words' between the adhe- tunately without success-men being at a premium
rents of the centre gauche and the centre droite, was in Benson) to procure a new musical instrument, to
at length allayed by Tripes calling out'A plague on  join us in a quiet kidney and a glass of Cura;oa,
both your houses —Mrs. left-hand house! bring two  though we made him pay, under the former sucquarts of your best! Mrs. right-hand, ditto! dit- cessful plea of having no tin like himself, and a
to! -Left-hand ostler! —right hand ditto! — the threat of Shrub's, suggested by ourselves, that he
gentleman in the harmonic line will give you six- would detain him, and have him up before a beak,
pence a-piece, to bring each of those horses a pot if he did not. Dick was so anxious to overtake the
of beer, and if they won't drink it, you can do it Alert, and beat his dark friend into Henley, that
for them, and favor them with a bucket of water poor Woodpecker and Old Peter were forced to
in exchange.' Solomon's demurrer was useless- kick and bite in evident disgust at being put-to bewe all swore we had no money, so he paid for all, fore they had properly digested their provender.
taking his change to the uttermost farthing, and    "Talking of provender, I must tell you a story:
grumbling'Here's a pretty go-I'm to stand Sam  A juvenile commercial, out on his first journey,
all day!'                                     arrived at the inn to which he had been recommend" We got off again as quickly as we could, for ed by his predecessor, and to come it double strong,
fear we should be involved in a discussion with  disdained to use the language of other men, telling
Tripes and the opposition landlords, as to which  the ostler to' provender his quadruped while he diswas the best brewer; a question he would not have cussed his chop.'
ventured to decide without critically investigating    "Mr. Rub'emdown not knowing the precise interthe contents of every barrel in their cellars. How- pretation of this oracular order, mentioned it to an
ever, he seemed willing to move on, as he knew  old traveller in the Manchester line, who wickedly
that Benson was only a mile and a half further, and  interpreted it to mean,'crop his mane and ears
that we meant to stop and feed ourselves and the  close, and cut his tail down to a short dock,' which
prads at the White Hart.                       was accordingly done, much to the ostler's satisfac"As ill-luck would have it, just as we turned  tion, under the full anticipation of a double fee for
into the gateway of that inn in good style, Solomon  despatch.
melodiously saluting the house with evident selfsatisfaction, and anticipating the praises of'the
boys,' the Alert was standing there, with the horses
put to, and Black Will in the act of mounting the
box with the reins and whip in his off-hand. Wheth-!
er his team had no'music in their souls,' or were
anxious, and had a horror of horns, I can't say:
but they all four began dancing out of tune and the
yard, before Will had gained the box, whence he.'came down with a run,' as the Jack tars say, and
was dragged some little distance by the reins before the horses could be stopped.
"Now those who know the'Black Prince,' as
Mr. Bowers was called when he worked on that;/
coach (though one wag was wicked enough to suggest that the title was acquired from his having
been seen at a battle of A-gin-court), must be well
aware that his excessive politeness would be rather
tried by so unpleasant an ejectment from' his seat.'
He rose gracefully-gave the reins and whip to the
horsekeeper-made signs to boots to rub him down,
and then walked deliberately up to poor Solomon,
who had been viewing these proceedings with feelings verging on insanity; and touching his hat with
his usual urbanity, and putting his heavy foot on
the horn, and crushing it flat, said,'Jim Spooney!   
-next time you want to practise on that there bugle, perch yourself somewhere or other, where
there aln't no horses nor hasses to hear you.' Then
turning round to Dick, who was looking deprecat-   "When the gentleman ordered his gig, and havingly, and shaking him by the hand much more af- ing paid his score was about to mount, he swore in
fectionately than his own father would or could a most indecent manner, that'that'orse was not




1002                                 THE BOAT RACE.
his'n, but another man's;' nor would he be con- sal holiday in that part of the world; and Miss
vinced to the contrary until Rub'emdown fetched Martineau might have applied her preventive check,
the stray attributes and replaced them as well as he without any fear of restraining the populace upon
could, making his identity undeniable. I need not this occasion.
say he never showed at the same house again.    "The Oxford boat belonged to Baliol Coll., built
"We got over the next five miles without a check, by Davis and King; the Cambridge was a bran-new
although it is all against collar; and Dick jock- turn out of Serle's, and one of the neatest I ever
eyed Tripes at Nettlebed, by jerking his elbow vio- saw; though it struck me, when I examined her on
lently against his mouth, just as we got to the Red shore as she was being greased, that she was too
Lion, thereby preventing the usual'Wo-ho!' and  crank for the crew that were to pull in her-all
by tipping Woodpecker and Peter a'short Tom- men of weight and inches; perhaps, two finer crews
my,' i. e., sticking an enormous large shirt-pin, in  were never seen; but our men were rather the
the shape of a coach-pole and splinter-bars, into  longer and lighter in their corpuscula of the two.
their quarters, which engaged their attention too    "At eight o'clock precisely, the order was given
much to allow them to see the water-trough by the for' Up with your oars;' and in two minutes at the
road-side, we got close up to the Alert just at the word'Off,' they dropped them in beautifully-as
commencement of the fair-mile, where Dick began  one man; but a cry of'False start,' owing to some
to make play to pass Will; but the old stager was little dispute about the exact distance fiom blade to
too deep for him, and commenced the jostling sys- blade, caused them  to backwater, and prepare
tem, which so amazed our charioteer, that seeing again. In five minutes the referees made all right,
what he conceived a good opening to turn out on and'Off she goes,' was again cried. Away they
the turf, and give Will the go-by, he tried it on, went! and before they got three hundred yards,.and upset us very easily, but ludicrously, into a ci- my experienced eye could see that my conjecture
devant gravel-pit, to the great amusement of every  about the London boat, was quite correct. She
one but ourselves. However, the only harm done, dipped in the bows every stroke, as if they were
was from a violent kick of Woodpecker's judicious- going to pull her under water, and rocked fearfully
ly administered on Solomon's centre of gravity, until they got into good time. The short stroke
and the ingratitude of Old Peter, who bit a piece too, with the back quite straight, and the arms doout of Tripe's coat-tail, as he was kindly endeavor- ing all the work, would not do on smooth water,
ing to set him on his legs again.  Amidst the compared with the long pull through the water, and
shouts of the clods,'we up and after them again,' quick feather out of it, of the Oxford men, who
getting into the town just as Will had touched his gained rapidly upon, and soon passed their rivals,
hat and his fees.                             taking the inside place. I was close upon them
"We pulled up at the Bell, and found my friend  both, and could hear the steady cry of the steersbad got us a capital two-stalled stable, in which we man,' Go it, my blues-beautifully pulled!-three
saw our nags comfortably locked up with full racks minutes more, and your work's done-they lose
and mangers, and toddled off to the Hart to see ground (water he meant) every moment-steady!
how the crews looked, and hear the opinions as to -no hurry-keep the old stroke!k-backs down on
the result. We ordered dinner at five, as the race the thwarts,' from the Oxford boat; and the'By
was to take place at eight, without saying a word  George, we're beaten!-quicken your stroke-don't
to Solomon, and on our return from viewing the go back so, you No. 3-pull for heaven's sake!' of
natives and the boats, found a nice dish of stewed  the Cambridge.
eels, fried perch, framed with gudgeons, cold lamb - "I pulled up about a quarter of a mile from the
and salad, and roasted pigeons, with lots of Read- bridge, being quite satisfied how it was going, and
ing asparagus upon the table. Solomon was miss- thoroughly blown from the speed and nature of my
ing; and just as we had finished our fish, and the exertions; for no one, who has not tried it, knows'premier pop' of champagne was heard, he made what'running up' with an eight-oar means-the
his appearance, to tell us' he had fixed on a nice snobs were wofully taken in that day, being shoved
quiet corner for the crow-tart and gooseberry,' but unreservedly, some into the river, others into ditchbolted again when he saw we were otherwise en- es, by the more aufait Oxonians.
gaged, looking exasperated at our extravagance,   "A tremendous shout, and the striking-up of the
and buttoning up both his trouser's pockets, as a church bells, proclaimed the victory was won by the
hint we were to pay for ourselves this time.  Oxford men, with one hundred yards to spare!! 
"But to the race itself. About seven.o'clock, the I jumped into a punt with poor Stephen, and by
rival cIews pulled gently down to the starting-place, dint of his superior generalship, got on the opposite
about two miles below Henley Bridge, distinguished  bank in time to see our crew land; and the best
by -their colors.  Oxford, true blue; Cambridge, proof of their excellent condition was, that not
pink; and every thing was arranged by the umpires one man was so distressed as to be obliged to be
in a quiet gentlemanly way, without any wrangling. helped out of the boat. Our opponents came in
There was a toss forchoice of sides, which was won rather more distressed, but still not much the matby the Cambridge men; and of course, they chose ter. Such a shouting was still going on, that it was
the bank on their bows, as the river forms a rather impossible to hear any thing said, until Stephen
sharp curve to the left, between the locks and the thundered out' Now, my true blues! as much portown. There was to be no fouling, and the victory  ter as you like!' And I heard one of the victors
was to belong to the party who passed first under say, as he set an emptied quart-cup on the table at'
the bridge.                                   Mrs. Dixon's,'If nectar did not mean London por"Just before the start, every inch of ground that ter, he did not know what did.'
could command a view of the river on either side,   "You, who have been so often at such scenes on
was occupied by gazers of all sorts and sizes-lords the banks of Isis, will easily imagine the whole
and ladies, Jans and Jinnies, saints and sinners, affair; nor will you require me to describe the supcockneys and country bumpkins-it was an univer- per given, by the vanquished to-the conquerors



THE BOAT RACE,                                     1003
the compliments mutually given and received-the  and I heard with joy that he was then in the bar
toasts drank-and last, though by no means least, smoking a pipe with the coachman and guard of
the quantity and quality of liquids absorbed. More  the Stroud mail down. He was sober at present, as
unflinching candidates for the favor of father Bac- he had been drinking tea with the coachman's wife,
chus never drained Cyathi. Nor were the muses in his absence-coffee with the guard's sister, and
neglected,'Nine times nine' was the cry of the  was going to play at cribbage or dominoes with annight! I shall finish my letter by recording the  other Jehu's daughter, but left her in disgust when
final adventures of our partie carrie.          he discovered that her governor only druv a pair.
"As for myself, I had an invitation to take cof-    "I assisted him in finishing his glass of twist,
fee, at the house of my friend, whom I have men- which is coach-Latin for half gin and half brandytioned before as the procurer of our nag's temporary  and-water, and carried him off rather sulky, to asdomiciles, and being a little bit of a vocalist, passed  sist in the search for Solomon. All our endeavors,
two or three pleasant hours standing over a piano- for a time, were fruitless; he had not been seen
forte, and a very fine girl, to whom I was well con- since he left the yard, with the hamper under his
tented to sing second. However, when ten o'clock  arm, by any one. It struck me all of a sudden,
arrived, I tore myself away from my fair chantress that having intimated an intention of dining econor enchantress, whichever you please to call her, in  omically alfresco, he had made for the fields in the
order to get Dick, Tripes, and Solomon ready to  rear of the house, and as it was a brilliant moonstart-for we had promised the Dean not to be  light night, we explored in that direction, with suclater than twelve o'clock. This, however, I found  cess; for being attracted by faint hip! hurrahs!
to be no easy matter, and returned to my friend's uttered in'childish trebles,' we directed our steps
house after half an hour's vain search, to consult towards them, and discovered two little chimneyhim on the best means of getting out of my diffi- sweepers, and a charity-school boy, engaging them-.
eulties. One of the parties relieved me speedily if  selves on the crow tart and gooseberry wine of poor
not pleasantly. Just fancy my horror on hearing a Solomon, who was lying dead-drunk on his back,
scuffling sort of noise at the door of the drawing- under the bushes, lovingly embracing a fly-driver,
room, which was filled with company, and seeing  quite as drunk as himself.
my friend Tripes very bosky, holding on by the    "Dick, in spite of Mr. Martin's act, pulled him
doorpost on either side, and in a husky, hiccupping  by the legs out of the bushes, with a stoical disretone, requesting to be informed'if our drag was at gard of the lacerations caused by the thorns, and
the Bell or the Bull? —the Bull or the Bell?' add- so strong was the sudden attachment formed being, for the information of the ladies, that'he'd  tween the two votaries of Bacchus, that in dragging
tried every tap in the town, and never tasted such  Solomon out, he drew the fly-man with him.
very bad beer in all his life.' I ran at him vicious,   "I afterwards learned that Solomon, finding the
and carried him, vi et armis, with my friend's assist- hamper rather heavy and inconvenient to. carry,
ance, in spite of his spiteful kicks and bites, into the had engaged the assistance of the fly-man, who
stable yard, where we laid him on a truss of straw, was idling about the yard, to carry it for him to his
and sponged his head with cold pump-water, which'quiet corner,' under the promise of a bottle of
soon had the desired effect. On his recovery, he  porter as a reward.  The flavor of the porter
laid it all to the beer being brewer's trash, and re- pleased his palate so well, that he returned after an.
quested to taste my friend's private tap, assuring  hour's time, to offer his services in carrying the
him half a pint would be the making of him. My  hamper back, in hopes of obtaining a second ediexpostulations were useless; and while my host was tion. To his great delight, he found Solomon so
gone to give the necessary, or rather unnecessary  far gone from original sobriety, and in so generous
orders, he entertained me with a discussion on the  a humor, that he unhesitatingly accepted his invitamerits of a large two-handed pump, down Charter- tion to partake of the remainder of the croW-tart
house, and its wonderful efficacy in remedying the  and a bottle of gooseberry.  Though the rooks
effects of Red Cow-' pumps up ten gallons a min- were not much the better for having been killed a
ute, and as cold as ice,-hiccup!-never knew it week, and the steak on which they rested was very
fail!'                                          tough, they contrived between them  to demolish
" I got him safe to the Bell at last, and locked him  nearly all of the pie and the porter; the wine, howin with Woodpecker and Old Peter, giving the ost- ever, took a very sudden and powerful effect upon
ler strict charge not to supply him with any liquids them; which they endeavored to remedy by imbibbut water. Then I proceeded on another voyage  ing nearly all the British brandy. The result was,
of discovery, and arrived at the White Hart just in  both were so beastly drunk that they fell asleep in
time to see Will start with about half his cargo. each other's arms. The little chummies and the
With his usual judgment, he had stowed the sober- charity-boy found them by accident, as they were
est men outside; the very drunken ones, seven in  cutting round the town the back way, to see the
number, were compressed inside with the doors fireworks-being supposed by their fond parents to
screwed up to prevent their. opening them, and  be safe in bed-and thought it a pity that two such
tumbling out on the road, and the windows nailed.intemperate beings should be exposed to further
down for fear they should cut themselves with the  temptation if they chanced to recover; so they
glasses. No objection was made to these arrange- charitably resolved to remove the irritamenta maments, for none of the seven could articulate. lorum by finishing the little that was left. When
When, however, he proceeded to strap three or four we came up they were each engaged in guggling a
half bosky men to the roof of the coach, so firm  bottle of gooseberry, to'the health of the gen'l'and strong a resistance was made, that he found it man as didn't know how to stop when he'd had
necessary to borrow three of Bowling's kicking- enough.'
straps, and a pair of darbies (i. e., handcuffs) of the    " We -left them to take care of the hamper and
constable, before his endeavors were crowned with  the fly-man (who had to drive the Mayor of Maidensuccess.  I inquired if he had seen Dick lately, head, his wife, and nine little aspirants for the mace




1004                                 THE BOAT RACE.
to their home after the fireworks, which had just quietly to a great overgrown baker, because he had
commenced, were over) and carried Solomon into  a constable's staff in his hand, so he replied to his
the stable to Tripes, who was now nearly sober, threat of'pulling him up before the beaks,' by hitand promised to behave well for the rest of the  ting him exceedingly hard in the wind, and calling
night, if we would let him out.                 out for'a ring!' which was quickly formed, and
"What was to be done? it was folly to think of the special carried home in less than five minutes
starting with Solomon in such a condition; so we after, with his face smashed to a pulp, and his moagreed to let Tripes physic him, and stay one hour lars rendered unfit for mastication.
to see the effect of the dose, the fireworks, and the    " We took Stephen Davis's advice, and'cut our
Stroud mail start. Tripes ran into the Bell in a lucky' at once. The dose had fortunately operated
state of ecstasy, and returned with a jug of hot successfully on Solomon, who was just able to sit
water, into which be was industriously stirring the  up in the trap when properly tied in with a halter;
contents of two mustard-pots;-this he managed in  so we paid our bill and told Dick' to slack his hand,'
a most scientific way, to administer as a drench to  all the way to Benson, where we meant to sup. We
poor Solomon, after he had removed his stock, and  arrived there about half-past twelve, and found
unbuttoned his shirt collar: we then set him up in  them just shutting up. The cook was standing in
a corner, slanting-dicularly, and left him.    the kitchen, flattering himself his work was over
"The fireworks were very fine, but the night was for the night, and about to wash down the fatigues
finer, and spoiled their effect; it was too light for of a hard day with a glass of warm brandy and walights, so we humored Dick and ran to see the mail ter, when Dick rushed in, seized the goblet and
start. We were just in time-for there were about swallowed its contents, before the puzzled chef de
twenty Oxford men harnessed to it by ropes and all cuisine could stretch out his greasy fist to prevent
sorts of contrivances, dragging it off at about ten  him. He was so disgusted at the unceremonious
miles an hour-to the horror of Dick's friend the  usage he had met with, that he rudely declined
coachman, the insides and outs, and the guards who broiling any ham for us, until Tripes knocked him
had to run-with the bags in one hand and the pair down with the flat side of a'best York,' weighing
of wheelers in the other, nearly a mile and a half two or three and twenty pounds, seized his large
before he could catch them.                     knife, and proceeded to act as his deputy at the
"Tripes, who was gazing maliciously at the large  gridiron. This brought him to his senses and the
image fixed over the inn-door, intended to repre- fire. His ingenuity was displayed to our satisfacsent a white hart (a sketch from nature, having  tion, and his injured honor repaired by an unlimited
golden hoofs, red eyes, nose, and ears, enormous order for brandy-and-water for himself and the
green antlers, and no tail), suggested to about forty  waiter. When both these worthies were disposed
or fifty surrounding undergraduates that it was pos- of under the dresser, we yielded to the fascinating
itively cruel to keep so noble an animal in a situa- request of the barmaid and Mrs. Shrub,'to let
tion where he could get nothing to eat or drihnk, them have a little sleep,' and set off home about
and proposed with their assistance to remove him  four in the morning.
to a-more natural lay in Mr. Maitland's park. This   "On the road, we, that is Dick and I, who were
act of disinterested benevolence was speedily effect- neither of us much amiss, were engaged in forming
ed by means of a cart-rope, amidst the cheers of a our plans for apologizing satisfactorily to the Dean.
sympathizing mob of snobs and the useless expos- On one point we fully agreed: to lay all the blame
tulations of the landlord.                     on poor Solomon, who was fast asleep, lashed to the
"An energetic special in his zeal for the mainte- back of the trap and Tripe's arm. He, Tripes, benance of order, collared Tripes, who hates an au- ing rather dozy, and afraid of falling out if he inthority at all times, and was not likely to submit dulged in a nap without such due precautions.
till  ~~~~~;'?lr;     ~Z~_
ii~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ZZ




DRAFTS FROM  CTHE DOCTOR."                              1005
"We got to college about five o'clock, and found    "' Is he hurt?"
the gates just opened, hurried Solomon to bed, un-'A little, Sir, but we have put him to bed, and
dressing and locking him safe in his rooms; we he is now asleep; will you look at him, and say if we
then took his splash new coat, and the rest of his can do any thing more for him?"
dress, and walked to the nearest meadow, where we   "' Certainly.' He returned with me, and found
immersed them in a green, muddy ditch, and then every thing as I had said-being satisfied from the
trailed them along the dusty road; giving them a horrid object he saw in bed, and the state of the
friendly stamping with our dirty boots now and'clothing department,' that'we must have experithen, by way of variety, and finally strewed them  enced a great deal of annoyance from a man who
about his room in drunken disorder.  We then gave way to such a disgusting vice as intoxication.'
obtained a commons of new bread, and extracting    "So ended our day at Henley, old fellow, and so
a piece of crumb, about the size of a cricket-ball, ends the letter of
entered Solomon's bedroom, and without his being                "Yours as ever,
at all conscious of the fact, tied it firmly on his                "WILLIAM WYDEAWAKE.
right cheek, with a white pocket-handkerchief, to
represent a swelled face; and by a judicious com-   "P. S.-Solomon's governess and two sisters, who
mixture of red and black ink, applied to his right had invited themselves to the commemoration, aroptic, succeeded in making him a very effective rived very opportunely-they found him in the
black eye.                                    state we had left him, and are all three at this pres-' All these arrangements being completed, I ran ent moment in violent convulsions-dreading the
across quad to the Dean's rooms. He was up and irreparable loss of the'dear sweet boy,' and relievdressing for chapel-I put on a very long face, and ing their consanguinal feelings, in the intervals betold him a very piteous tale of the trouble Solomon tween the fits, by threatening to take the law
had given us all the day, and of his obstinate deter- against the naughty young gentlemen who had semination to have his share of driving, though un- duced their beloved relative-the brutes-into so
qualified for the art; the result of which was, that degrading and dangerous a state. Tripes'wishes
he had upset himself into a gravel-pit, after we had they may get it,' and Dick confidently affirms that
fortunately jumped out to avoid the danger which'that cock won't fight."'
we saw was otherwise inevitable.
DRAFTS FROM "THE DOCTOR."
BY ROBERT SOUTWEY.
IN that very entertaining work, " The Doctor," squeezed to death by the wheel? Was he the same
there is an abundance of pleasant gossip upon the person of whom the song says,
odd and pitiful accidents, by which the "bubble
reputation" has been raised. For example:-                  Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he?
" Whether the regular practitioner may sneer at
Mr. Ching," says the historian of Cornwall, "I know  And was his dog proud because his master was
not: but the Patent Worm Lozenges have gained called King?
our Launceston apothecary a large fortune, and   Here are questions to be proposed in the Examisecured to him perpetual fame!"              nation Papers of some Australian Cambridge, two
There would have been no other memorial of hundred years hence.
Richard Jaquett at this day, than the letters of his
name in an old deed, and obsolete hand, if he had   FLOGGING AT SCHOOL.-If the dead have any
not, in the reign of Edward VI., been Lord of the cognizance of posthumous fame, one would think
manor of Tyburn, with its appurtenances, in which it must abate somewhat of the pleasures with which
the gallows was included; wherefore, from the said Virgil and Ovid regard their earthly immortality,
Jaquett, it is presumed by antiquaries, that the when they see to what base purposes their produchangman has ever since been corruptly called Jack tions are employed. That their verses should be
Ketch.                                        administered to boys in regular doses, as lessons or
A certain William  Dowsing, who, during the compositions, and some dim conception whipped
great rebellion, was a Parliamentary visitor for de- into the tail when it has failed to penetrate the
molishing images in churches, is supposed to have head, cannot be just the sort of homage to their
given rise to the expression of giving any one a genius which they anticipated or desired.
dousing.
Johnson tells' a story of a man, who was stand-   EssAYs ON TASTE.-There are some readers who
ing in an inn kitchen, with his back to the fire, and have never read an essay on taste, and if they take
thus accosted a traveller, who stood next to him: my advice they never will; for they can no more
"Do you know, sir, who I am?"  "No, sr," re- improve their taste by so doing, than they could
plied the traveller, "I have not that advantage." improve their appetite or digestion by studying a
"Sir," said the man, "I am the great Tramley, cookery book.
who invented the Ploodgate Iron."
Who was Ludlam, whose dog was so lazy that he   SCHOOL LEARNING.-I am sometimes inclined to
leant his head against a wall to bark?        think that pigs are brought up upon a wiser sysAnd who was old Cole, whose dog was so proud tem than boys at a grammar-school. The pig is
that he took the wall of a dung cart, and got allowed to feed upon any kind of offal, however




1006                          DRAFTS FROM  "THE DOCTOR."X
coarse, on which he can thrive, till the time ap- borer, who was a constant attendant, "well, Masproaches, when pig is to commence pork, or take a ter Jackson, Sunday must be a blessed day of rest
degree as bacon.                                for you, who work so hard all the week! And you
make good use of the day, for you are always to
LovERs OF LITERATURE.-Your true lover of lit- be seen at church."  "Aye, sir," replied Jackson,
erature is never fastidious. I do not mean the  "it is, indeed, a blessed day; I works hard enough
hellus librorum, the swinish feeder, who thinks that all the week; and then I comes to church o' Sun-.every name which is to be found.in a title-page, or days, and sets me down, and lays my legs up, and
on a tombstone, ought to be rescued from obliv- thinks o' nothing."
ion; nor those first cousins of the moth, who labor
under a passion for black letter, and believe every    VOLUMINOUS TRIFLING.-Dr. Shaw, the naturalthing to be excellent which was written in the reign  ist, was one day showing to a friend two volumes
of Elizabeth.  I mean the; man of robust and  written by a Dutchman, upon the wings of a buthealthy intellect, who gathers the harvest of litera- terfly, in the British Museum. "The dissertation
ture into his barns, thrashes the straw, winnows the  is rather voluminous, perhaps you will think," said
grain, grinds it at his own mill, bakes it in his own  the Doctor, gravely, "but it is immensely imporoven, and then eats the true bread of Knowledge. tant."
If he take his loaf upon a cabbage-leaf, and eat
onions with his bread and cheese, let who will find    PARLIAMENTARY JOKES.-Of what use a story
fault with him for his taste-not I!            may be, even in the most serious debates, may be
seen from the circulation of old Joes in Parliament,
VANITY OF HUMAN FAME.-An old woman in a which are as current there as their current namevillage of the west of England, was told one day  sakes used to be in the city some threescore years
that the King of Prussia was dead, such a report ago.  A jest, though it shall be as stale as last
having arrived when the great Frederick was in  year's newspapers, and as flat as Lord Flounder's
the noonday of his glory. Old Mary lifted up her face, is sure to be received with laughter by the
great slow eyes at the news, and fixing them in the  collective wisdom of the nation: nay, it is somefulness of vacancy upon  her informant, replied, times thrown out like a tub to the whale, or like
"Is a! is a! the Lord ha' mercy!  Well, well! the  a trail of carrion to draw off hounds from  the
King of Prussia! and who's he?"  The "who's scent.
he?" of this old woman might serve as a text for
a notable sermon upon ambition. "Who's he?"   BooK MADNESS.-A collector of scarce books
may now be asked of men greater as soldiers in  was one day showing me his small but curious
their day than Frederick and Wellington; greater hoard. " Have you ever seen a copy of this book?"
as discoverers than Sir Isaac, or Sir Humpfhrey. he asked, with every volume that he put into my
Who built the pyramids?  Who ate the first oys- hands; and when my reply was that I had not, he
ter?  -Vanitas vanitatum!  Omnia vanitas!      always rejoined, with a look and tone of triumphant delight, " I should have been exceedingly sorry
RETIREMENT.-It is neither so easy a thing, nor if you had!"
so agreeable a one, as men commonly expect, to
dispose of leisure when they retire from the busi-   UTILITY OF POCKETS.-Of all the inventions of the
ness of the world. Their old occupations cling to  tailor, (who is of all artists the most inventive,) I
them even when they hope that they have emanci- hold the pocket to be the most commodious, and
pated themselves. Go to any seaport town, and  saving the fig leaf, the most indispensable. Birds
you will see that the sea-captain, who has retired  have their craw; ruminating beasts their first or
upon his well-earned earnings, sets up a weather- ante-stomach; the monkey has his cheek, the oposcock in full view from his window, and watches the  sum her pouch; and, so necessary is some convenivariations of the wind as duly as when he was at ence of this kind for the human animal, that the
sea, though no longer with the same anxiety. A  savage who cares not for clothing, makes for himtallow-chandler, having amassed a fortune, disposed  self a pocket if he can. The Hindoo carries his
of his business, and took a house in the country, snuff-box in his turban. Some of the inhabitants
not far from London, that he might enjoy himself; of Congo make a secret fob in their woolly toupee,
and, after a few months' trial of a holiday life, re- of which, as P. Labat says, the worst use they make
quested permission of his successor to come into  is-to carry poison in it. The Matolas, a longtown and assist him on melting days. The keeper haired race, who border upon the Caffres, form
of a retail spirit-shop, having in like manner retired  their locks into a sort of hollow cylinder, in which
from trade, used to employ himself by having one they bear about their little implements; certes a
puncheon filled with water, and measuring it off by more sensible bag than such as is worn at court.
pints into another. A butcher in a small town, for The New Zealander is less ingenious; he makes a
some time after he had left off business, informed  large opening in his ear and carries his knife in it.
his old customers, that he meant to kill a lamb once The Ogres, who are worse than savages, and whose
a week, just for amusement.                    ignorance and brutality are in proportion to their
bulk, are said, upon the authority of tradition, when
PREACHING TO THE POOR.-A woman in humble they have picked up a stray traveller or two more
life was asked one day on her way back from  than they require for their supper, to lodge them
church, whether she had understood the sermon- in a hollow tooth as a place of security till breaka stranger having preached.  " Wud I hae the  fast; whence it may be inferred that they are not
presumption!" was her simple and contented an- liable to toothache, and that they make no use of
swer.                                           toothpicks. Ogres, savages, beasts, and birds, all
" Well, Master Jackson," said his minister, walk- require something to serve the purpose of a pocket.
ing homeward after service, with an industrious la- Thus much for the necessity of the thing. Touch



DRAFTS FROM  so THE DOCTOR."                              1007
ing its antiquity much might be said; for it would  covery which any person may suppose he has made,
not be difficult to show, with that little'assistance  when he walks for the first time from the city to
from the auxiliaries must, and have, and been, which  Wapping. That the tribes of Judah and Benjamin
enabled Whitaker of Manchester to write whole flourish there is known to all mankind; and from
quartos of hypothetical history in the potential them have sprung the Scripites, and the Omniummood, that pockets are coeval with clothing: and, ites, and the Threepercentites.
as erudite men have maintained that language and    But it is not so well known that many other tribes
even letters are of divine origin, there might with  noticed in the Old Testament are to be found in this
like reason be a conclusion drawn from the twenty- island of Great Britain.
first verse of the third chapter of the book of Gene-   There are the Hittites, who excel in one branch
sis, which it would not be easy to impugn. More- of gymnastics. And there are the Amorites, who
over, nature herself shows us the utility, the im- are to be found in town and country; and there
portance, nay, the indispensability, or, to take a are the Gadites, who frequent waterilg-places, and
hint from the pure language of our diplomatists, take picturesque tours.
the sinequanonniness of pockets. There is but one    Among the Gadites I shall have some of my best
organ which is common to all animals whatsoever: readers, who being in good humor with themselves
some are without eyes, many without noses; some and with every thing, else, except on a rainy day,
have no heads, others no tails; some neither one will even then be in good humor with me. There
nor the other; some there are who have no brains, will be the Amorites in their company; and among
others very pappy ones; some no hearts, others the Amorites, too, there will be some who, in the
very bad ones; but all have a stomach —and what overflowing of their love, will have some liking to
is the stomach but a live inside pocket?  Hath not spare for the doctor and his faithful memorialVan Helmont said of it, "Saccus vel pera est, ut ci- ist.
borum olla?"                                      The poets, those especially who deal in erotics,
Dr. Towers used to have his coat pockets made lyrics, sentimentals, or sonnets, are the Ah-ohof capacity to hold a quarto volume-a wise cus- ites.
tom; but requiring stout cloth, good buckram, and    The gentlemen who speculate in chapels are the
strong thread well waxed. I do not so greatly  Puhites.
commend the humor of Dr. Ingenhouz, whose coat   The chief seat of the Simeonites is at Cambridge;
was lined with pockets of all sizes, wherein, in his but they are spread over the land. So are the
latter years, when science had become to him as a Man-ass-ites, of whom the finest specimens are to
plaything, he carried about various materials for be seen in St. James's-street, at the fashionable
chemical experiments: among the rest, so many  time of day for exhibiting the dress and the person
compositions for fulminating powders in glass upon the pavement.
tubes, separated only by a cork in the middle of the    The freemasons are of the family of the Jachintube, that, if any person had unhappily given him a ites.
blow with a stick, he might have blown up himself   The female Haggites are to be seen, in low life
and the doctor too. For myself, four coat pockets wheeling barrows, and in high life seated at card
of the ordinary dimensions content me; in these a tables.
sufficiency of conveniences may be carried, and that   The Shuhamites are the cordwainers.
sufficiency methodically arranged. For mark me,   The Teamanites attend the sales of the East India
gentle or ungentle reader! there is nothing like  Company.
method in pockets, as well as in composition: and    Sir James Mackintosh, and Sir James Scarlett,
what orderly and methodical man would have his and Sir James Graham, belong to the Jim-nites.
pocket handkerchief, and his pocketbook, and the    Who are the Gazathites, if the people of London
key of his door, (if he be a bachelor living in cham- are not, where any thing is to be seen?  All of
bers,) and his knife, and his loose pence and half- them are the Gettites when they can, all would be
pence, and the letters which peradventure he might Havites if they could.
just have received, or peradventure he may intend    The journalists should be Geshurites, if they anto drop in the post-office, twopenny or general, as swered to their profession: instead of this they
he passes by, and his snuff, if he be accustomed so generally turn out to be Geshuwrongs.
to regale his olfactory conduits, or his tobacco-box,   There are, however, three tribes in England, not
if he prefer the masticable to the pulverized weed; named in the Old Testament, who considerably outor; his box of lozenges, if he should be troubled  number all the rest. These are the High Vulgarwith a tickling cough; and the sugar plums and the  ites, who are the children of Rahank and Phashan:
gingerbread nuts which he may be carrying home  the Middle Vulgarites, who are the children of
to his own children, or to any other small men and  Mammon and Terade, and the low Vulgarites, who
women upon whose hearts he may have a design; are the children of Tahag, Rahag, and Bohobwho, I say, would like to have all this in chaos and  tay-il.
confusion, one lying upon the other, and the thing    With the Low Vulgariles I have no concern; but
which is wanted first fated always to be undermost! with the other two tribes, much. Well it is that
— (Mr. Wilberforce knows the inconvenience:)-  some of those who are fruges consumere nati, think
the snuff working its way out to the gingerbread, it proper that they should consume books also: if
the sugar plums insinuating themselves into the  they did not, what a miserable creature wouldst
folds of the pocket handkerchief, the pence grind- thou be, Henry Colburn, who art their bookseller!
ing the lozenges to dust for the benefit of the  I myself have that kind of respect for the consumpocket-book, and the door key busily employed in  ers which we ought to feel for every thing useful.
unlocking the letters?                          If not the salt of the earth, they are its manure,
without which it could not produce so abunETYMOLOGICAL DISCOVERIES.-That the lost ten  dantly.
tribes of Israel may be found in London, is a dis



1008                   THE PIG.  THE DEVIL'S WALK ON EARTH.
THE PIG.
( rolloquial ~ocm.
BY ROBERT SOUTHEY.
JAcon! I do not like to see thy nose           And what is beauty, but the aptitude
Turn'd up in scornful curve at yonder pig.      Of parts harmonious?  Give thy fancy scope,
It would be well, my friend, if we, like him,   And thou wilt find that no imagined change
Were perfect in our kind!.. And why despise   Can beautify this beast. Place at his end
The sow-born grunter?.. He is obstinate,      The starry glories of the peacock's pride,
Thou answerest; ugly, and the filthiest beast   Give him the swan's white breast; for his hornThat banquets upon offal... Now I pray you          hoofs
Hear the pig's counsel.                         Shape such a foot and ankle as the waves
Is he obstinate?              Crowded in eager rivalry to kiss
We must not, Jacob, be deceived by words;       When Venus from the enamor'd sea arose;
We must not take them as unheeding hands        Jacob, thou canst but make a monster of him!
Receive base money at the current worth,        All alteration man could think, would mar
But with a just suspicion try their sound,      His pig-perfection.
And in the even balance weigh them well.                        The last charge,.. he lives
See now to what this obstinacy comes:           A dirty life. Here I could shelter him
A poor, mistreated, democratic beast,           With noble and right-reverend precedents,
He knows that his unmerciful drivers seek       And show by sanction of authority
Their profit, and not his. He hath not learned  That'tis a very honorable thing
That pigs were made for man,.. born to be brawn'd  To thrive by dirty ways. But let me rest
And baconized: that he must please to give      On better ground the unanswerable defence.
Just what his gracious masters please to take;  The pig is a philosopher, who knows'
Perhaps his tusks, the weapons Nature gave      No prejudice. Dirt?.. Jacob, what is dirt?
For self-defence, the general privilege;        If matter,.. why the delicate dish that tempts
Perhaps,.. hark, Jacob! dost thou hear that horn? An o'ergorged epicure to the last morsel
Woe to the young posterity of Pork!             That stuffs him to the throat-gates, is no more.
Their enemy is at hand.                         If matter be not, but as sages say,
Again. Thou say'st             Spirit is all, and all things visible
The pig is ugly. Jacob, look at him!            Are one, the infinitely modified,
Those eyes have taught the lover flattery.      Think, Jacob, what that pig is, and the mire
His face,.. nay, Jacob! Jacob! were it fair  Wherein he stands knee-deep!
To judge a lady in her dishabille?                             And there! the breeze
Fancy it dressed, and with saltpetre rouged.    Pleads with me, and has won thee to a smile
Behold his tail, my friend; with curls like that  That speaks conviction.  O'er yon blossom'd
The wanton hop marries her stately spouse:            field
So crisp in beauty Amoretta's hair              Of beans it came, and thoughts of bacon rise.
Rings round her lover's soul the chains of love.
THE DEVIL'S WALK ON EARTH.
BY ROBERT SOUTHEY.
FROM his brimstone bed at break of day          Such a flourishing, fine, clever woman was she,
A walking the Devil is gone,                 With an eye as wicked as wicked can be,
To look at his snug little farm of the World,   I should take her for my Aunt, thought he,
And see how his stock went on.                  If my dam had had a sister.
Over the hill and over the dale,
And he went over the plain;                       He met a lord of high degree,
And backward and forward he swish'd his tail,       No matter what was his name;
As a gentleman swishes a cane.               Whose face with his own when he came to compare
How then was the Devil drest?                     The expression, the look, and the air,
Oh, he was in his Sunday's best.               And the character, too, as it seem'd to a
His coat was red and his breeches were blue,          hairAnd there was a hole where his tail came through.  Such a twin-likeness there was in the pair,
That it made the Devil start and stare,
A lady drove by in her pride,                   For he thought there was surely a looking-glass
In whose face an expression he spied                  there,
For which he could have kiss'd her;               But he could not see the frame.




THE DEVIL'S WALK ON EARTH.                                 1009
He saw a Lawyer killing a viper,                But she tipt him the wink, drew back, and cried,
On a dung-hill beside his stable;               Avaunt! my name's Religion!
Ha! quoth he, thou put'st me in mind            And then she turn'd to the preacher,
Of the story of Cain and Abel.                  And leer'd like a love-sick pigeon.
An Apothecary on a white horse                  A fine man and a famous Professor was he,
Rode by, on his vocation;                     As the great Alexander now may be,
And the Devil thought of his old friend             Whose fame not yet o'erpast is:
Death in the Revelation.                        Or that new Scotch performer
Who is fiercer and warmer,
He pass'd a cottage with a double coach-house,      The great Sir Arch-Bombastes.
A cottage of gentility,
And he own'd with a grin                        With throbs and throes, and ah's and oh's,
That his favorite sin
Far fanled his flock for frightening;
Is pride that apes humility.
And thundering with his voice, the while
He saw a pig rapidly                              His eyes zigzag like lightning.
Down a river float;
The pig swam well, but every stroke             This Scotch phenomenon, I trow,
Was cutting his own throat;s Alexander hollow;
Even when most tame
And Satan gave thereat his tail                 He breathes more flame
A twirl of admiration;                          Than ten Fire-Kings could swallow.
For he thought of his daughter War,
And her suckling babe Taxation.               Another daughter he presently met;
With music of fife and drum,
Well enough, in sooth, he liked that truth,       And a consecrated flag,
And nothing the worse for the jest;             And shout of tag and rag,
But this was only a first thought;                And march of rank and file,
And in this he did not rest:                  Which had fill'd the crowded aisle
Another came presently into his head,           Of the venerable pile,
And here it proved, as has often been said,       From church he saw her come.
That second thoughts are best.
He call'd her aside, and began to chide,
For as Piggy plied, with wind and tide,             For what dost thou here? said he;
His way with such celerity,                     My city of Rome is thy proper home,
And at every stroke the water dyed                  And there's work enough there for thee.
With his own red blood, the Devil cried,
Behold a swinish nation's pride                     Thou hast confessions to listen,
In cotton-spun prosperity.                        And bells to christen,
And altars and dolls to dress;
He walk'd into London leisurely,                    And fools to coax,
The streets were dirty and dim:                   And sinners to hoax,
But there he saw Brothers the Prophet,            And beads and bones to bless;
And Brothers the Prophet saw him.                 And great pardons to sell
For those who pay well,
He entered a thriving bookseller's shop;       - And small ones for those who pay less.
Quoth he, we are both of one college,
For I myself sate like a Cormorant once         Nay, Father, I boast, that this is my post,
Upon the Tree of Knowledge.                    She answered; and thou wilt allow,
That the great Harlot,
As he passed through Cold-Bath Fields he look'd     Who is clothed in scarlet,
At a solitary cell;                             Can very well spare me now.
And he was well-pleased, for it gave him a hint
For improving the prisons of Hell.             Upon her business I am come here,
That we may extend our powers:
He saw a turnkey tie a thief's hands            Whatever lets down this church that we hate,
With a cordial tug and jerk;                      Is something in favor of ours.
Nimbly, quoth he, a man's fingers move
When his heart is in his work.               You will not think, great Cosmocrat!
That I spend my time in fooling;
He saw the same turnkey unfettering a man       Many irons, my sire, have we in the fire,
With little expedition;                         And I must leave none of them cooling;
And he chuckled to think of his dear slave-trade,   For you must know state-councils here,
And the long debates and delays that were made,   Are held which I bear rule in.
Concerning its abolition.                        When my liberal notions,
Produce mischievous motions,
He met one of his favorite daughters              There's many a man of good intent,
By an Evangelical Meeting:                     In either house of Parliament,
And forgetting himself for joy at her sight,        Whom I shall find a tool in;
He would have accosted her outright,              And I have hopeful pupils too
And given her a fatherly greeting.                Who all this while are schooling.




1010                         THE DEVIL'S WALK ON EARTH.
Fine progress they make in our liberal opinions,  So each would help the other,
My Utilitarians,                              Two heads being better than one;
My all sorts of -inians                           And the phrase and conceit
And all sorts of -arians;                       Would in unison meet,
My all sorts of -ists,                     And so with glee the verse flow free,
And my Prigs and my Whigs                       In ding-dong chime of sing-song rhyme,
Who have all sorts of twists,                   Ti]l the whole were merrily done.
Train'd in the very way, I know,
Father, you would have them go;                   And because it was set to the razor,
High and low,                                Not to the lute or harp,
Wise and foolish, great and small,              Therefore it was that the fancy
March of-Intellect-Boys all.                      Should be bright, and the wit be sharp.
Well pleased wilt thou be at no very far day,   But, then, said Satan to himself,
When the caldron of mischief boils,             As for that said beginner,
And I bring them forth in battle array,         Against my infernal Majesty,
And bid them suspend their broils,              There is no greater sinner.
That they may unite and fall on the prey,
For which we are spreading our toils.         He hath put me in ugly ballads
How the nice boys all will give mouth at the call,  With libellous pictures for sale;
Hark away! hark away to the spoils!           He hath scoff'd at my hoofs and my horns,
My Macs and my Quacks and my lawless-Jacks,       And has made very free with my tail.
My Shiels and O'Connells, my pious Mac-Donnells,
My joke-smith Sydney, and all of his kidney,  But this Mr. Poet shall find
My Humes and my Broughams,                    I am not a safe subject for whim;
My merry old Jerry,                      For I'll set up a School of my own,
My Lord Kings, and my Doctor Doyles!            And my Poets shall set upon him.
At this good news, so great                   He went to a coffee-house to dine,
The Devil's pleasure grew,                    And there he had soy in his dish;
That with a joyful swish he rent              Having ordered some soles for his dinner,
The hole where his tail came through.        Because he was fond of flat fish.
His countenance fell for a moment               They are much to my palate, thought he,
When he felt the stitches go;                   And now guess the reason who can,
Ah! thought he, there's a job now              Why no bait should be better than place,
That I've made for my tailor below.             When I fish for a Parliament-man.
Great news! bloody news! cried a newsman;
The Devil said, Stop, let me see!            But the soles in the bill were ten shillings;
Great news! bloody news! thought the Devil,     Tell your master, quoth he, what I say;
The bloodier the better for me.              If he charges at this rate for all things,
He must be in a pretty good way.
So he bought the newspaper, and no news
At all for his money he had.                 But mark ye, said he to the waiter,
Lying varlet, thought he, thus to take in old Nick!  I'm a dealer myself in this line,
But it's some satisfaction, my lad,          And his business, between you and me,
To know thou art paid beforehand for the trick,   Nothing like so extensive as mine.
For the sixpence I gave thee is bad.
Now soles are exceedingly cheap,
And then it came into his head                    Which he will not attempt to deny,
By oracular inspiration,                     When I see him at my fish-market
That what he had seen and what he had said        I'll warrant him, by-and-by.
In the course of this visitation,
Would be published in the Morning Post,         As he went along the Strand,
For all this reading nation.                    Between three in the morning and four,
He observed a queer-looking person,
Therewith in second sight he saw                  Who staggered from Perry's door.
The place and the manner and time,
In which this mortal story
Would be put in immortal rhyme.               And he thought that all the world over
In vain for a man you might seek,
That it would happen when two poets             Who could drink more like a Trojan,
Should on a time be met,                        Or talk more like a Greek.
In the town of Nether Stowey,
In the shire of Somerset.                       The Devil then he prophesiedIt would one day be matter of talk,
There while the one was shaving                   That with wine when smitten,
Would he the song begin;                   And with wit moreover being happily bitten,
And the other when he heard it at breakfast,    The erudite bibber was he who had written
In ready accord join in.                        The story of this walk.




THE ANTI-PUNSTER.                                  1011
A pretty mistake, quoth the Devil;          Now the morning air was cold for him,
A pretty mistake I opine!                   Who was used to a warm abode;
I have put many ill thoughts in his mouth,    And yet he did not immediately wish,
He will never put good ones in mine.          To set out on his homeward road.
For he had some morning calls to make,
And whoever shall say that to Porson
Before he went back to Hell;
These best of all verses belong,            So, thought he, I'll step into a gaming-house,
He is an untruth-telling whore-son,             And that will do as well;
And so shall be call'd in the song.         But just before he could get to the door
A wonderful chance befell.
And if seeking an illicit connexion with fame,
Any one else should put in a claim,           For all on a sudden, in a dark place,
In this comical competition;              He came upon General -'s burning face;
That excellent poem will prove                And it struck him with such consternation,
A man-trap for such foolish ambition,     That home in a hurry his way did he take,
Where the silly rogue shall be caught by the leg,   Because he thought, by a slight mistake
And exposed in a second edition.'Twas the general conflagration.
THE ANTI-PUNSTER.
ANONiMOUS.
THE man who would scruple to make a pun, condemns as vicious, not only in taste but in morals,
would not hesitate to commit a burglary. Why the final exit of Mercutio, who is sent into purgawe think so, we don't know; but we have just as tory with a pun in his mouth. You increase his
much right to our opinion that there is a distinct disgust if you tell him that the same thing has
connection between a dislike of puns and a taste happened on the real stage of life-that Elliston's
for burglaries, as Dr. Johnson had to his, when he ending was even as that of Mercutio, whom he had
chose, most arbitrarily and alliteratively, to con- so often represented-that when, an hour or two
found a pun perpetrated with a pocket to be picked. before the parting of soul and body, the patient's
The anti-punster is the incarnation of the spirit head was raised on his pillow, and, to seduce him
of intolerance. His aversion knows no cold medium. into taking one more hopeless spoonful of medicine,
He has no mercy for the man who differs from him  he was told " he should wash it down with half a
-on the point of a pun. He is a man of one idea, glass of his brown sherry "-that even then, the acand that, though an old one certainly, is no joke. tor's glazed eye brightened under the influence of
His singleness of apprehension cannot stand the the ruling passion, as he articulated with almost
shock of a double meaning. One is as much as he moveless lips, "Bri-be-ry and Cor-rup-tion!"
can manage to comprehend; and he can no more   Nothing incenses the anti-punster so much as
stand up against the force and confusion of two, detecting in a distaste to puns an incapacity for
than he could brave the discharge of a double bar- making them. Charge him with that, and he will
elled gun at his head. Besides, he regards a pun as immediately prove himself incapable by offering
a most reckless and extravagant waste of meaning. proof of capacity. He can neither make a genuine
He would rather you used a word that meant no- good pun, which is a good thing-nor a shocking
thing.  "The no meaning " does not puzzle him  bad one, which is a better. Whatever he hazards
more than wit, and a passage that leads to nothing, is bad, to be sure —but not bad enough; it is a
affords him more profit and recreation than an in- wretched, dull piece of impotence, wholly innocent
sane attempt to walk in two paths at a time.  of drollery. He has no soul for a villanous quibble-he cannot for his life make it vile enough
itWho both negnitsuble business bound,  to succeed; he has not the grasp of mind required to gather up two remote meanings and
he would infinitely prefer a stroll in the dark compress them into a single word, which the eye,
through grounds beset with traps and spring-guns, rather than the tongue, italicizes to the appreto joining in conversation with a punster. He re- hension. In short, he is unconscious that the exsents an unprovoked quibble as a personal insult. cellent and the execrable meet together upon a
He never called anybody out on this score, be- point which genius alone can reach; and that in,
cause, in his opinion, a man once convicted of a the art of punning, to be good enough and bad
premeditated pun, has forfeited all claims to be enough are the same thing-the difficulty being as
treated as a gentleman; but he never fails to kick great, and the glory as unequivocal. In his atthe offender down stairs:-with his mind's foot, tempt, therefore, he tries hard at working out a
Horatio. Having discovered that his eldest son had good one, and consequently fails to arrive at the
called the cock an ornithological Cerberus-three proper pitch of badness. The anti-punster is an
birds at once, his throat being a swallow, and his incapable; all he can do is, to take his hat because
voice a crow-he threatened to cut the culprit off he can't take a joke. He breaks up a party because
with a shilling; and ascertaining that the young somebody breaks a jest. He thinks he shows his
wag had remarked upon the difficulty of "cutting sense by not relishing nonsense; and seeks credit
off:" a son with a shilling-a shilling being undeni- for profound thought, by authorizing a play upon
ably "blunt "-he put his threat into execution. words. He carries a sneer on his lip for want of a
He sneers at Shakspere as an inspired idiot; and smile.




1012                              DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND.
FROM " THE YELLOWPLUSH CORRESPONDENCE."  BY W. MAKEPEACE THACKERAY.
THE name of my nex master was, if posbil, still   Frinstance, on our stairkis (so these houses are
more ellygant and youfonious than that of my fust. called,) there was 8 sets of chamberses, and only 3
I now found myself boddy servant to the Honrab- lawyers. These was, bottom floor, Screwson, Hewble Halgernon Percy Deuceace, youngest and fifth  son, and Jewson, Attorneys; fust floor, Mr. Serson of the Earl of Crabs.                       geant Flabber —opsit, Mr. Counslor Bruffy; and
Halgernon was a barrystir-that is, he lived in  secknd pair, Mr. Haggerstony, an Irish counslor,
Pump Court Temple; a wulgar nabrood, witch, praps pracktising at the Old Baly, and lickwise what they
my readers don't no.  Suffiz to say, it's on the  call reporter to the.Morning Post nyouspapper.confines of the citty, and the choasen aboad of the  Opsit him was wrote
lawyers of this metrappolish.
When I say that Mr. Deuceace was a barrystir, I           MR. RICHARD BLEWITT;
don't mean that he went sesshums or surcoats, (as
they call'em,) but simply that he kep chambers, and on the thud floar, with my master, lived one
lived in Pump Court, and looked out for a commi- Mr. Dawkins.
tionarship, or a revisinship, or any other place that   This young fellow was a new comer into the Temthe Wig guvvyment could give him. His father ple, and unlucky it was for him too-he'd better
was a Wig pier, (as the landriss told me,) and had  had never been born; for it's my firm apinion that
been a Toary pier. The fack is, his lordship was so the Temple ruined him-that is, with the help of
poar, that he would be anythink, or nothink, to get my master and Mr. Dick Blewitt, as you shall
previsions for his sons, and an inkum for himself.   hear.
I phansy that he aloud Halgernon two hundred    Mr. Dawkins, as I was gave to understand by his
a-year; and it would have been a very comforable  young man, had jest left the Universary of Oxford,
maintenants, only he knever paid him.           and had a pretty litttle fortn of his own-six thouOwever, the young gnlmn was a gnlmn, and no  sand pound, or so-in the stox. He was jest of age,
mistake; he got his allowents of nothink a-year, an orfin who had lost his father and mother; and
and spent it in the most honrable and fashnabble  having distinkwished hisself at collitch, where he
manner. He kep a kab-he went to Holmax and  gained seffral prices, was come to town to push his
Crockfud's-he moved in the most xquizzit suckles fortn, and study the barryster's bisniss.
-and trubbld the law-boox very little, I can tell   Not bein of a verry high fammly hisself-indeed,
you. Those fashnabble gents have ways of getten  I've heard say his father was a chismonger, or somemoney, which comman pipple doant understand.    think of that lo sort-Dawkings was glad to find
Though he had only a therd floar in Pump Cort, his old Oxford frend, Mr. Blewitt, yonger son to
he lived as if he had the welth of Cresas. The ten- rich Squire Blewitt of Listershire, and to take rooms
pun notes floo abowt as common as haypince-clar- so near him.
rit and shampang was at his house as vulgar as gin;   Now, tho' there was a considdrable intimacy beand verry glad I was, to be sure, to be a valley to a tween me and Mr. Blewitt's gentleman, there was
zion of the nobillaty.                          scarcely any betwixt our masters-mine being too
Deuceace had, in his sittin-room, a. large pictur much of the aristoxy to associate with one of Mr.
on a sheet of paper. The names of his family was Blewitt's sort. Blewitt was what they call a bettin
wrote on it: it was wrote in the shape of a tree, a man; he went reglar to Tattlesall's, kep a pony,
groin out of a man-in-armer's stomick, and the wore a white hat, a blue berd's-eye hankercher, and
names were on little plates among the bows. The  a cut-away coat. In his manners he was the very
pictur said that the Deuceaces kem into England in  contrary of my master, who was a slim, ellygant
the year 1066, along with William Conqueruns. My man, as ever I see-he had very white hands, raymaster called it his podygree. I do beleev it was ther a sallow face, with dark sharp is, and small wisbecause he had this pictur, and because he was the  kus neatly trimmed, and as black as Warren's jetHonrabble Deuceace, that he mannitched to live as he spoke very low and soft-he seemed to be watchhe did. If he had been a common man, you'd have in the person with whom he was in convysation, and
said he was no better than a swinler. It's only rank  always flattered every body. As for Blewitt, he
and buth that can warrant such singlarities as my  was quite of another sort. He was always swearin,
master show'd. For it's no use disgysing it-the  singin, and slappin people on the back, as hearty
Honrabble Halgernon was a GAMBLER. For a man  and familiar as posbill. He seemed a merry, careof wulgar family, it's the wust trade that can be-  less, honest cretur, whom one would trust with life
for a man of common feelinx of honesty, this pro- and soul. So thought Dawkins, at least; who, tho'
fession is quite imposibill; but for a real thorough- a quiet young man, fond of his boox, novvles, Bybread genlmn, it's the easiest and most prophetable  ron's poems, floot-playing, and such like scientafic
line he can take.                               amusemints, grew hand in glove with honest Dick
It may, praps appear curous that such a fashna- Blewitt, and soon after with my master, the Honble man should live in the Temple; but it must be rabble Halgernon. Poor Daw! he thought he was
recklected, that it's not only lawyers who live in  makin good connexions, and real frends-he had
what's called the Ins of Cort. Many batchylers, fallen in with a couple of the most etrocious swinwho have nothing to do with lor, have here their lers that ever lived.
loginx; and many sham barrysters, who never put   Before Mr. Dawkins arrived in our house, Mr.
on a wig and a gownd twise in their lives, kip apart- Deuceace had barely condysended to speak to Mr.
ments in the Temple, instead of Bon Street, Pickle- Blewitt: it was only about a month after that suckdilly, or other fashnabble places.             umstance that my master, all of a sudding, grew




DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.                                   1013
very friendly with him. -The reason was pretty  nabble man than Mr. B., in course he owed a deal
clear - Deuceace wanted him.: Dawkins had not more money. There was fust:
been an hour in master's compny, before he knew
that he had a pidgin to pluck.                  Account cotray, at Crockford's,.............~ 8711 0 0
Bills of exchange and I. O. U.'s (but he didn't
Blewitt knew this too; and bein very fond of     pay these in most cases,).................. 4963 0 0
pidgin, intended to keep this one entirely to himself. 21 tailor's bills in all.................... 1806 11 9
It was amusin to see the Honrabble Halgernon ma- 8 hossdealer's do.............................  402 0 0
2 coachbilder.................................  506 0 0
nuvring to get his pore bird out of Blewitt's clause, Bills contracted at Cambritch................. 2193 6 8
who thought he had it safe. In fact, he'd brought Sundries......................................  987 10 0
Dawkins to these chambers for that very porpus,14069 8
thinking to have him under his eye, and strip him
at leisure.                                       I give this as a curosity-pipple doant know how
"My master very soon found out what was Mr. in many cases fashnabble life is carried on; and to
Blewitt's game. Gamblers know gamblers, if not know even what a real gnlmn owes is somethink inby instink, at least by reputation; and though Mr. structif and agreeable.
Blewitt moved in a much lower spear than Mr.   But to my tail. The very day after my master
Deuceace, they knew each other's dealins and car- had made the inquiries concerning Mr. Dawkins,
acters puffickly well.                          witch I have mentioned already, he met Mr. Blew"Charles, you scoundrel," says Deuceace to me itt on the stairs, and byoutiffie it was to see how
one day, (he always spoak in that kind way,) " who  this gnlmn, who had before been almost cut by my
is this person that has taken the opsit chambers, master, was now received by him. One of the
and plays the flute so industrusly?"           sweatest smiles I ever saw was now vizzible on Mr.
" It's Mr. Dawkins, a rich young gentleman from  Deuceace's countenence. He held out his hand,
Oxford, and a great friend of Mr. Blewittses, sir," covered with a white kid glove, and said, in the
says I; "they seem to live in each other's rooms."  most frenly tone of vice posbill, "What?  Mr.
Master said nothink, but he grin'd-my eye, Blewitt! It is an age since we met. What a shame
how he did grin! Not the fowl find himself could  that such near naybors should see each other so
snear more satannickly.                         seldom! "
I knew what he meant.                           Mr. Blewitt, who was standing at his door, in a
Imprimish. A man who plays the floot is a sim- pc-green dressing gown, smoakin a segar, and singpleton.                                         ing a hunting coarus, looked surprised, flattered,
Secknly. Mr. Blewitt is a raskle.             and then suspicious.
Thirdmo. When a raskle and a simpleton is al-   " Why, yes," says he, " it is, Mr. Deuceace, a long
ways together, and when the simpleton is rich, one time."
knows pretty well what will come of it.           "Not, I think, since we dined at Sir George
I was but a lad in them days, but I knew what was Hookey's. By the by, what an evening that waswhat as well as my master; it's not gentlemen only  hay, Mr. Blewitt? what wine! what capital songs!
that's up to snough. Law bless us! there was four I recollect your' May day in the morning'-cuss
of us on this stairkes, four as nice young men as me, the best comick song I ever heard. I was
you ever see; Mr. Bruffy's young man, Mr. Dawk- speaking to the Duke of Doncaster about it only
inses, Mr. Blewitts, and me-and we knew what our yesterday. You know the duke, I think? "
masters was about as well as they did theirselfs.-    Mr. Blewitt said, quite surly, "No, I don't."
Frinstance, I can say this for myself, there wasn't a    "Not know him! " cries master; "why, hang it,
paper in Deuceace's desk or drawer, not a bill, a Blewitt! he knows you, as every sporting man in
note, or miserandum, which I hadn't read as well as England does, I should think. Why, man, your
he; with Blewitt's it was the same-me and his good things are in every body's mouth at Newyoung man used to read'em all. There wasn't a market."
bottle of wind that we didn't get a glas, nor a pound    And so master went on chaffin Mr. Blewitt. That
of sugar that we didn't have some lumps of it. We  genlmn at fust answered him quite short and angry;
had keys to all the cubbards —we pipped into all but, after a little more flumery, he grew as pleased
the letters that kem and went —we pored over all as possbill, took in all Deuceace's flatry, and bleeved
the bill-files-we'd the best pickins out of the din- all his lies. At last the door shut, and they both
ners, the livvers of the fowls, the force-mit balls went into Mr. Blewitt's chambers togither.
out of the soup, the egs from the sallit. As for the    Of course I can't say what past there; but in an
coals and candles, we left them to the landrisses.-  hour master kem up to his own room as yaller as
You may call this robry-nonsince-it's only our mustard, and smellin sadly of backo smoke. I never
rights-a suvvant's purquizzits is as sacred as the  see any genlmn more sick than he was; he'd been
laws of Hengland.                               smoaking segars along with Blewitt. I said nothink,
Well, the long and short of it is this. Richard  in course; tho' I'd often heard him xpress his horBlewitt, exquire, was sityouated as follows: He'd  row of backo, and knew very well he would as soon
an inkumn of three hundred a-year from his father. swallow pizon as smoke. But he wasn't a chap to
Out of this he had to pay one hundred and ninety  do a thing without a reason: if he'd been smoakin,
for money borrowed by him at collidge, seventy for I warrant he had smoaked to some porpus.
chambers, seventy more for his boss, aty for his   I didn't hear the convysation between'em; but
suvvant on bord wagis, and about three hundred  Mr. Blewitt's man did: it was-" Well, Mr. Blewitt,
and fifty for a sepprat establishmint in the Regency  what capital seagars! Have you one for a friend
Park; besides this his pockit mony, say a hundred, to smoak? "  (The old fox, it wasn't only the seahis eatin, drinkin, and wine-merchant's bill, about gars he was a smoakin!)  "Walk in," says Mr.
two hundred moar. So that you see he laid by a Blewitt; and then they began a chaffin together:
pretty handsome sum at the end of the year.     master very ankshous about the young gentleman
My master was diffrent; and being a more fash- who had come to live in our chambers, Mr. Dawkins,
65




1014                             DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
and always coming back to that subject-sayin that only when he see that thWe waiter was rayther a bigpeople on the same stairkis ot to be frenly; how  ger man than hisself that he was in the least pazzyglad he'd be, for his part, to know Mr. Dick Blewitt, fled. He returned to his own chambers; and John,
and any friend of his, and so on. Mr. Dick, hows- the waiter, went off for more grill to Diixes Coffyever, seamed quite aware of the trap laid for him. House.
"I really don't no this Dawkins," says he; "he's a    "This is a most unlucky axdent, to be sure,
chismonger's son, I hear; and tho' I've exchanged  Charles," says master to me, after a few minnits
visits with him, I don't intend to continyou the ac- paws, during which he had been and wrote a note,
quaintance-not wishin to assoshate with that kind  put it into an antelope, and sealed it with his bigg
of pipple."  So they went on, master fishin, and  seal of arms. "But stay-a thought strikes meMr. Blewitt not wishin to take the hook at no price. take this note to Mr. Dawkins, and that pye you
-" Confound the vulgar thief! " muttered my mas- brought yesterday; and hearkye, you scoundrel, if
ter, as he was laying on his sophy, after being so  you say where you got it I will break every bone
very ill; " I've poisoned myself with his infernal in your skin! "
tobacco, and he has foiled me. The cursed swind-   These kind of prommisses were among the few
ling boor! he thinks he'll ruin this poor cheesemon- which I knew him to keep; and as I loved boath
ger, does he? I'll step in, and warn him."      my skinn and my boans, I carried the noat, and of
I thought I should bust a laffin, when he talked  cors said nothink. Waiting in Mr. Dawkinses chamin this style. I knew very well what his " warn- bus for a few minnits, I returned to my master with
ing" meant-lockin the stable door, but stealin the  an answer. I may as well give both of these docuhoss fust.                                      ments, of which I happen to have taken coppies.
Nex day, his strattygam for becoming acquainted
with Mr. Dawkins we exicuted, and very pritty it
was.                                                 "The Hon. A. P. DEUCEACE, to T. S.
Besides potry and the floot, Mr. Dawkins, I must             DAWKINS, Esq.
tell you, had some other parshallities, wiz-he was                            Temple, Tuesday.
wery fond of good eatin and drinkin. After dod-   "Mr. Deuceace presents his compliments to Mr.
dling over his music and boox all day, this young
Dawkins, and begs at the same time to offer his
genlmn used to sally out of evenings, dine sumpti- Dawkins, and begs at the same time to offer his
most sincere apologies and regrets for the accident
ously at a tavern, drinkin all sorts of wind along which has just taken place.
which has just taken place.
with his friend Mr. Blewitt. He was a quiet young
"May Mr. Deuceace be allowed to take a neigh:
fellow enough at fust; but it was Mr. B. who (for  s privilege, and to remedy the evl he has o
his own porpuses, no doubt,.) had got him into this casioned to the best of his power? If Mr. Dawkins
kind of life. Well, I needn't say that he who eats casloned to the best of h  power? If Mr. Dawkins
will do him the favor to partake of the contents
a fine dinner, and drinks too much over night, wants of the accompanying case (from Strasburg direct,
a bottle of soda-water, and a gril, praps, in the morn- and the gift of a friend on whose taste as a gour-.,   ^,..,.   >    X..         and the gift of a friend on whose taste as a gourink. Such was Mr.Dawkinseses case; and reglar mand Mr. Dawkins may rely,) perhaps he will find
almost as twelve o'clock came, the waiter from Dix  that it is not a bad substitute for the plat which Mr.
Coffy-House was to be seen on our stairkis, bringin  Deuceace's awkwardness destroyed.
up Mr. D.'s hot breakfast.                        " It will, also, Mr. Deuceace is sure, be no small
No man would have thought there was any think     ication to the original donor of the p, when
gratification to the original donor of the pste, when
in such a trifling circkumstance; master did, tho', he learns that it has fallen into the hands of so celand pounced upon it like a cock on a barlycorn.    ebrated a bon vivant as Mr. Dawkins.
He sent me out to Mr. Morell's in Pickledilly, for
what's called a Strasburg-pie-in French a "patty    " T. S. Dawkins, Esq., etc. etc. etc."
defaw graw."  He takes a card, and nails it on the
outside case, (patty defaw graws come generally in
a round wooden box, like a drumb;) and what do     "From T. S. DAWKINS, Esq., to the Hon.
you think he writes on it? why, as follos:-" For              A. P. DEUCEACE.
the Honorable Algernon Percy Deuceace, etc. etc. etc.   "Mr. Thomas Smith Dawkins presents his grateWith Prince Talleyrand's compliments."         ful compliments to the Hon. Mr. Deuceace, and acPrince Tallyram's compliments, indeed!  I laff  cepts with the greatest pleasure Mr. Deuceace's
when I think of it still, the old surpint! He was a generous proffer.
surpint, that Deuceace and no mistake.           1" It would be one of the happiest moments of Mr.
Well, bv a most extrornary piece of ill luck, the Smith Dawkins's life, if the Hon. M. Deuceace would
nex day, punctially as Mr. Dawkinses brexfas was extend his generosity still further, and condescend
coming up the stairs, Mr. Halgernon Percy Deuce- to partake of the repast which his muniicent politeace was going down. He was as gay as a lark, hum- ness has furnished.
ming an Oppra tune, and twizzting round his head     Temple, Tuesday."
his heavy gold-headed cane. Down he went very
fast, and by a most unlucky axdent struck his cane    Many and many a time, I say, have I grind over
against the waiter's tray, and away went Mr. Daw- these letters, which I had wrote from the original
kinses gril, kayann, kitchup, soda-water, and all! by Mr. Bruffy's copyin clark. Deuceace's flam about
I can't think how my master should have choas such  Prince Talyram  was puffickly successful. I saw
an exact time; to be sure, his windo looked upon  young Dawkins blush with delite as he red the
the cort, and he could see every one who came into  note; he toar up four or five sheets before he comour door.                                       posed the anser to it, which was as you read abuff,
As soon as the axdent had took place, master was and roat in a hand quite trembling with pleasyer.
in such a rage as, to be sure, no man ever was in  If you could but have seen the look of triumth in
befor; he swoar at the waiter in the most dreddfle  Deuceace's wicked black eyes, when he read the
way; he threatened him with his stick; and it was noat! I never see a deamin yet, but I can phansy




DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.                                  1015
I, a holding a writhing soal on his pitchfrock, and  chambers, and began talkin to him in the mos affabl
smilin like Deuceace. He dressed himself in his and affecshnat manner.
very best clothes, and in he went, after sending me    But Dick was too angry to listen; at last, when
over to say that he would xcept with pleasyour Mr. master was telling him some long stoary about the
Dawkins's invite.                              Duke of Doncaster, Blewitt bust outThe pie was cut up, and a most frenly conversa-   "A plague on the Duke of Doncaster!  Come,
tion begun betwixt the two genlmin. Deuceace was come, Mr. Deuceace, don't you be running your rigs
quite captivating. He spoke to Mr. Dawkins in the  upon me; I an't the man to be bamboozl'd by longmost respeckful and flatrin manner-agread in eve- winded stories about dukes and duchesses. You
ry think he said-prazed his taste, his furniter, his think I don't know you; every man knows you,
coat, his classick nolledge, and his playin' on the  and your line of country. Yes, you're after young
floot; you'd have thought, to hear him, that such  Dawkins there, and think to pluck him; but you
a polygon of xlens as Dawkins did not breath-  shan't-no, by -- you shan't."  (The reader must
that such a modist, sinsear, honrabble genlmn as recklect that the oaths which interspussed Mr. B.'s
Deuceace was to be seen no where xcept in Pump  convysatin I hav lift out.) Well, after he'd fired a
Cort. Poor Daw was complitly taken in. My mas- wolley of'em, Mr. Deuceace spoke as cool and
ter said he'd introduce him to the Duke of Doncas- slow as posbill.
ter, and Heaven knows how many nobs more, till   " Heark, ye, Blewitt. I know you to be one of
Dawkins was quite intawsicated with pleasyour. I the most infernal thieves and scoundrels unhung.
know as a fack (and it pretty well shows the young  If you attempt to hector with me, I will cane you;
genlmn's carryter,) that he went that very day, and  if you want more, I'll shoot you; if you meddle
ordered 2 new coats, on porpus to be introjuced to  between me and Dawkins, I will do both. I know
the lords in.                                   your whole life, you miserable swindler and coward.
But the best joak of all was at last. Singin, swag- I know you have already won two hundred pounds
erin, and swarink-up stares came Mr. Dick Blew- of this lad, and want all. I will have half, or you
itt. He flung open Mr. Dawkins's door, shouting  never shall have a penny."  It's quite true that
out, " Daw, my old buck, how are you?" when, all master knew these things; but how was the wonder.
of a sudden, he sees Mr. Deuceace; his jor dropt,   I couldn't see Mr. B.'s face during this dialogue,
he turned chocky white, and then burnin red, and bein on the wrong side of the door; but there was
looked as if a stror would knock him down. "My a considdrabble paws after these complymints had
dear Mr. Blewitt," says my master, smilin, and off- passed between the two genlmn-one walkin quickring his hand, "how glad I am to see you. Mr. ly up and down the room-tother, angry and stuDawkins and I were just talking about your pony! pid, sittin down, and stampin with his foot.
Pray sit down."                                   "Now listen to this, Mr. Blewitt," continues mas.
Blewitt did; and now was the question, who ter, at last; "if you're quiet, you shall have half
should sit the other out; but law bless you, Mr. of this fellow's money; but venture to win a shilBlewitt was no match for my master; all the time ling from him in my absence, or without my conhe was fidgety, silent, and sulky; on the contry, sent, and you do it at your peril."
master was charmin, I never herd such a flo of    "Well, well, Mr. Deuceace," cries Dick, "it's very
conversatin, or so many wittacisms as he uttered. hard, and, I must say, not fair: the game was of
At last, completely beat, Mr. Blewitt took his leaf; my starting, and you've no right to interfere with
that instant master followed him; and passin his my friend."
arm through that of Mr. Dick, led him into our   "Mr. Blewitt, you are a fool! You professed




1016                              DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
yesterday not to know this man, and I was obliged
to find him out for myself. I should like to know 
by what. law of honor I am bound to give him up' -                            _  -
It was charmin to hear this pair of raskles talkin   =
about honor.           I could have found it in 
my heart to warn young Dawkins of the precious  
way in which these chaps were going to serve him.
But if they didn't know what honor was, I did; and 9  
never, never did I tell tails about my masters when
in their sarvice —out, in cors, the hobligation is no    Not so: Dawkins won always, Mr. B. betting on
longer binding.                                 his play, and giving him the very best of advice.
Well, the nex day there was a gran dinner at At the end of the evening (which was abowt five
our chambers. White soop, turbit, and lobster sos; o'clock the next morning), they stopt. Master was
saddil of Scotch muttin, grous, and M'Arony; counting up the score on a card.
winds, shampang, hock, madeira, a bottle of poart,   "Blewitt," says he, "I've been unlucky. I ow
and ever so many of clarrit. The company presint you-let me see-yes, five-and-forty pounds!"
was three; wiz., the honrabble A. P. Deuceace, R.   "Five-and-forty," says Blewitt, "and no misBlewitt, and Mr. Dawkins, Esquires. My i, how we take!"
genlmn  Ain the kitchen did enjy it! Mr. Blewittes    "I will give you a cheque," says the honrabble
man eat so much grows (when it was brot out of  genlmn.
the parlor,) that I reely thought he would be sik;   "Oh! don't mention it, my dear sir!"  But
Mr. Dawkinses gnlmn (who was only abowt thir- master got a grate sheet of paper, and drew him a
teen yea.w:of age) grew so il with M'Arony and  check on Messeers Pump, Algit, and Co., his
plumb-puddn, as tobe obleeged to take sefral of  bankers.
Mr. D.'s pils, which half kild him. But this is all   "Now,"' says master, "I've got to settle with
promiscuous: Ian'ttalkin of the survants now, but you, my dear Mr. Dawkins.  If you had back'd
the masters.                                    your luck, I should have owed you a very handWould.you bleev it'?  After dinner (and praps some sum of money.  Voyons: thirteen points, at
eight bottles of wind betwin the three) the genlmn  a pound-it is easy to calculate;" and drawin out
sat down to ecarty. It's a game where only two  his puss, he clinked over the table 13 goolden
plays, and where, in coarse, when there's ony  suverings, which shon till they made my eyes
three, one looks on.                            wink.
Fust, they playd crown pints, and a pound the    So did pore Dawkinses, as he put out his hand,
bett! At this game they were wonderful equill; all trembling, and drew them in.
and about supper-time (when grilled am, more    "Let me say," added master, "let me say (and
shampang, levld biskits, and other things, was brot I've had some little experience,) that you are the
in) the play stood thus: Mr. Dawkins had won two  very best ecartf player with whom I ever sat down.
pounds; Mr. Blewit, thirty shillings; the Honrab-    Dawkinses eyes glissened as he put the money
ble Mr. Deuceace having lost 31. 10s. After the  up, and said, "Law, Deuceace, you flatter me!"
devvle and the shampang, the play was a little    Flatter him! I should think he did. It was the
higher. Now it was pound pints, and five pound  very thing which master ment.
the bet. I thought, to be sure, after hearing the    "But mind you, Dawkins," continyoud he, "I
complyments between Blewitt and master in the  must have my revenge; for I'm ruined-positively
morning, that now pore Dawkins's time was come. ruined-by your luck."




DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.                                  1OT"Well, well," says Mr. Thomas Smith Dawkins, as   Nex mornin at nine, master was up, and as sober
pleased as if he had gained a millium, " shall it be as a judg. He drest and iKas off to Mr. Dawkins.
to-morrow?  Blewitt, what say you?"            At 10, he ordered a cab, and the two genlmn went
Mr. Blewitt agread, in coarse. My master, after together.
a little demurring, consented too. "We'll meet,"    "Where shall he drive, sir?" says I.
says he, " at your chambers. But mind, my dear    "Oh tell him to drive to the BANK?'. -.
fello, not too much wind: I can't stand it at any    Pore Dawkins! his eyes red with remors and
time, especially when I have to play gcartg with you." sleepliss drunkenniss, gave a shudder and a sob,
Pore Dawkins left our rooms, as happy as a prina. as he sunk back in the wehicle; and they:drove
"Here, Charles," says he, and flung me a sovring. on.
Pore fellow! pore fellow! I knew what was a    That day he soald out every hapny he was worth,
comi-n!                                        xcept five hundred pounds.
But the best of it was, that these 13 sovrings
which Dawkins won, master had borrowed them from  Blewitt came stridin up the stairs with a sollum
Mr. Blvwitt! I brought'em, with 7 more,'from  Blewitt came stridin up the stairs with a sollum-e
Mr. Blewitt! I brought'em, with 7 more, from and important hair.
that young genlmn's chambers, that very morning:' I your master at home a" says he.
for, since his interview with master, Blewitt had    "Yes, sir, says I; and in he walks, I in cors
"Yes, sir," says I; and in he walks, I in cors,
with my ear to the keyhole, listning with all my
*    *    *    *   *    *l  *r  I* mite.
Well, shall I continue the tail?  If Mr. Dawkins    "Well," says Blewitt, " we maid a pritty good
had been the least bit wiser, it would have taken  night of it, Mr. Deuceace. You've settled, I see,
him six months befoar he lost his money; as it with Daiwkins."
was, he was such a confounded ninny, that it took    "Settled!" says master. "Oh, yes-yes-I've
him a very short time to part with it.         settled with him."
Next day, (it was Thusday, and master's ac-   "Four thousand seven hundred, I think?"
quaintance with Mr. Dawkins had only commenced    "About that-yes."
on Tuesday,) Mr. Dawkins, as I: said, gev his party' That makes my share —let me see-two thou-dinner at 7. Mr. Blewitt, and the two Mr. D.'s as sand three hundred and fifty; which I'll thank you
befoar. Play begins at 11. This time I knew the  to fork out."
bisniss was pretty serious, for we suvvants' was   "Upon my word-why-Mr. Blewitt," says my
packed off to bed at 2 o'clock. On Friday, I went master, "I don't really understand what you
to chambers-no master-he kem in for 5 minutes mean."
at about 12, made a little toilit, ordered more devvles    "You'don't know what Imean I"' says Blewitt, in
and soda-water, and back again he went to Mr. an axent such as I never befoar heard; "You don't
Dawkins's.                                     know what I mean! Did you not promise inmethat
They had dinner there at seven again, but no- we were to go shares? Didn't I lend you twenty
body seamed to eat, for all the vittals came out to  sovereigns, the other night, to pay our losings to
us genlmn: they had in more wind though, and  Dawkins?  Didn't you swear, on your honor as a
must have drunk at least 2 dozen in the 36 hours.  gentleman, to give me half of all that might be
*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *       won in this affair?"
At ten o'clock, however, on Friday night, back     Agreed, sir," says Deuceace; " agreed."
my master came to his chambers. I saw him as I    Well, sir, and now what have you tor say?"
never saw him before, namely, reglar drunk. He    Why, that I don't intend to keep my promise I
staggered about the room, he danced, he hickipd, You infernal fool and ninny! do you suppose I was
staggered about the room, he danced, he hickipd,
laboring for you? Do you fancy I was going to
he swore, he flung me a heap of silver, and finely,?  Do you fancy I was going to
he sunk down exosted on his bed; I pullin off his   e expense of giving a dinner to that jackass yonboots and close, and makin him cofrabble der, that you should profit by it? Get away, sir!
boots and close, and makin him comfrabblei
When I had removed his garmints, I did what it's  Leave'the  room, -sir!  Or, stop-here-I wil give
the duty of every servant to do-I -emptied- his you four hundred pounds —your own note of hand,
pockits, and looked at his pockit-book and all his sir, for that sum, if you will consent to forget all
that has passed between us, and that you; have'
letters: a number of axdents have been prevented  that has passed between us, and that you have
that way.                                      never known Mr. Algernon Deuceace."
I've sean pippie angerybefore now, but never
I found there among a heap ofthings, the follow-    sean  ippl    e an gery before now, but neve
ing pretty dockyment                           any like Blewitt. He stormed, groned, belloed,
swoar! At last, he fairly began blubbering; now
cussing and nashing his teeth, now praying dear
Mr. Deuceace to grant him mercy.
-   I. O. U.               iAt last, master flung open the door (heavn bless
~4700.                     us! it's well I didn't tumble, hed over eels, into the
room!) and said, "Charles, show the gentleman
- THoMas SMITH DAwgEINS.  down stairs!" My master looked at him  quite
Friday. 16th JTanuary.                     steddy. Blewitt slunk down, as misrabble as any
man I ever see. As for Dawkins, heaven knows
where he was!
There was another bit of paper of the same kind   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
— " I. O. U. four hundred pounds, Richard Blewitt:"    - "Charles," says my master to me, about an-hour
but this, in cors, ment nothink.               afterwards, " I am going to Paris; you may come,:
*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *       too, if you please."




1018                          THE SPECULATORS.  OTTILIA.
THE SPECULATORS.
BY W. MAKEPEACE THACKERAY.
THE night was stormy and dark, The town was shut up in sleep: Only those were abroad who were
out on a lark, Or those who'd no beds to keep.
I pass'd through the lonely street, The wind did sing and blow; I could hear the policeman's feet
Clapping to and fro.
There stood a potato-man In the midst of all the wet; He stood with his'tato-can In the lonely
Haymarket.
Two gents of dismal mien, And dark and greasy rags, Came out of a shop for gin, Swaggering
over the flags:
Swaggering over the stones, These shabby bucks did walk; And I went and followed those seedy
ones, And listened to their talk.
Was I sober or awake? Could I believe my ears? Those dismal beggars spake Of nothing but
railroad shares.
I wondered more and more: Says one-" Good friend of mine, How many shares have you wrote
for In the Diddlesex Junction line?"
" I wrote for twenty," says Jim, "But they wouldn't give me one;" His comrade straight rebuked
him For the folly he had done:
" O Jim, you are unawares Of the ways of this bad town; I always write for five hundred shares,
And then they put me down."
" And yet you got no shares," Says Jim, " for all your boast;"  " I would haye wrote," says Jack,
"but where Was the penny to pay the post?"
"I lost, for I couldn't pay  That first instalment up; But here's taters smoking hot-I say  Let's
stop, my boy, and sup."
And at this simple feast The while they did regale, I drew each ragged capitalist Down on my
left thumb-nail.
Their talk did me perplex, All night I tumbled and toss'd, And thought of railroad specs, And
how money was won and lost.
" Bless railroads everywhere,"  I said, " and the world's advance; Bless every railroad share  In
Italy, Ireland, France; For never a beggar need now despair, And every rogue has a chance."
OTTILIA.
FROM "THE CONFESSIONS OF FITZ-BOODLE." BY W. M. THACKERAY.
OTHO  SIGISMUND  FREYHERR VON  SCHLIPPEN- she is for putting Baillie Nicol Jarvie into the lake,
SCHLOPP, Knight Grand Cross of the Ducal Order and who keeps the honest chancellor in the greatest
of the Two-Necked Swan of Pumpernickel, of the order.
Porc-et-Siffiet of Kalbsbraten, Commander of the   Ottilia was pale and delicate.  She wore her
George and Blue Boar of Dummerland, Excellency, glistening black hair in bands, and dressed in vaand High Chancellor of the United Duchies, lived pory white muslin. She sang her own words to her
in the second floor of a house in the Schwapsgasse, harp, and they commonly insinuated that she was
where, with his private income and his revenues as alone in the world,-that she suffered some inexchancellor, amounting together to some 3001. per pressible and mysterious heart pangs, the lot of all
annum, he maintained such a state as very few  finer geniuses,-that though she lived and moved
other officers of the Grand-Ducal Crown could ex- in the world, she was not of it,-that she was of a
hibit. The Baron is married to Maria Antoinetta, consumptive tendency, and might look for a prea countess of the house of Kartoffelstadt, branches mature interment. She even had fixed on the spot
of which have taken root all over Germany. He where she should lie: the violets grew there, she
has no sons, and but one daughter, the Fraiilein  said, the river went moaning by; the grey willow
OTTILIA.                                      whispered sadly over her head, and her heart pined
The chancellor is a worthy old gentleman, too fat to be at rest.'SMother," she would say, turning
and wheezy to preside at the privy council, fond of to her parent, " promise me, promise me to lay me
his pipe, his ease, and his rubber. His lady is a in that spot when the parting hour has come!" At
very tall and pale Roman-nosed countess, who looks which Madame de Schlippenschlopp would shriek
as gentle as Mrs. Robert Roy, where, in the novel, and grasp her in her arms, and at which, I confess,




OTTILIA..1019
I would myself blubber like a child. She had six  ments of a nature more substantial than mere teadarling friends at school, and every courier from  punch, both milk and rum, hot wine, consomnm, and
Kalbsbraten carried off whole reams of her letter- a peculiar and exceedingly disagreeable sandwich,
paper.                                          made of a mixture of cold white puddings and garIn Kalbsbraten, as in every other German town, lie, of which I have forgotten the name, and always
there are a vast number of literary characters, of  detested the savor.
whom our young friend quickly became the chief.   Gradually a conviction came upon me that Ottilia
They set up a literary journal, which appeared once ate a great deal.
a-week, upon light blue or primrose paper, and    I do not dislike to see a woman eat comfortably.
which, in compliment to the lovely Ottilia's mater- I even think that an agreeable woman ought to be
nal name, was called the Kartoffelnkranz.  Here friande, and should love certain little dishes and
are a couple of her ballads, extracted from the  nick-nacks. I know that though at dinner they
Kranz, and by far the most cheerful specimen of commonly take nothing, they have had roast muther style. For in her songs she never would wil- ton with the children at two, and laugh at their
lingly let off the heroines without a suicide or a pretensions to starvation.
consumption.  She never would hear of such a    No! a woman who eats a grain of rice like Amithing as a happy marriage, and had an appetite for na in the Arabian Nights, is absurd and unnatural;
grief quite amazing in so young a person.      but there is a modus in rebus: there is no reason
*       *       *       *                why she should be a ghoul, a monster, an ogress, a
Shall I tell how I became a poet for the dear horrid gormandizeress-faugh!
girl's sake?  Shall I tell what wild follies I com-   It was, then, with a rage amounting almost to
mitted in prose as well as in verse? how I used to  agony, that I found Ottilia ate too much at every
watch under her window of icy evenings, and with  meal. She was always eating, and always eating
chilblainy fingers sing serenades to her on the gui- too much. If I went there in the morning, there
tar?  Shall I tell how, in a sledging party, I had  was the horrid familiar odor of those oniony sandthe happiness to drive her, and of the delightful wiches; if in the afternoon, dinner had been just
privilege which is, on these occasions, accorded to  removed, and I was choked by reeking reminiscenthe driver?                                    ces of roast meat. Tea we have spoken of. She
Any reader, who has spent a winter in Germany, gobbled up more cakes than any six people presperhaps knows it. A large party of a score or ent; then came the supper and the sandwiches
more of sledges is formed. Away they go to some again, and the egg-flip and the horrible rum-punch.
pleasure-house that has been previously fixed upon,   She was thin as ever, paler if possible than ever;
where a ball and collation are prepared, and where -but, by heavens! her nose began to grow red!
each man, as his partner descends, has the delicious   Mon dieu! how I used to watch and watch it!
privilege of saluting her. O heavens and earth! I Some days it was purple, some days had more of
may grow to be a thousand years old, but I can the vermilion-I could take an affidavit that after a
never forget the rapture of that salute.       heavy night's supper it was more swollen, more red
"The keen air has given me an appetite," said  than before.
the dear angel, as we entered the supper-room;   I recollect one night when we were playing a
and to say the truth, fairy as she was, she made a round game (I had been looking at her nose very
remarkably good meal-consuming a couple of ba- eagerly and sadly for some time), she of herself
sins of white-soup, several kinds of German saus- brought up the conversation about eating, and conages, some Westphalia ham, some white puddings, fessed that she had five meals a-day.
an anchovy salad made with cornichons and onions,   " That accounts for it!" says I, flinging down the
sweets innumerable, and a considerable quantity of cards, and springing up and rushing like a madman
old Stein Wein and rum-punch afterwards. Then  out of the room. I rushed away into the night,
she got up and danced as brisk as a fairy, in which and wrestled with my passion. " What  marry,"
operation I of course did not follow her, but had  said I, "a woman who eats meat twenty-one times
the honor at the close of the evening's amusement in a week, besides breakfast and tea? Marry a saronce more to have her by my side in the sledge, as cophagus, a cannibal, a butcher's shop?-Away!"
we swept in the moonlight over the snow.       I strove and strove, I drank, I groaned, I wrestled
Kalbsbraten is a very hospitable place, as far as and fought with my love-but it overcame me;
tea-parties are concerned, but I never was in one one look of those eyes brought' me to her feet
where dinners were so scarce. At the palace they  again. I yielded myself up like a slave; I fawned
occurred twice or thrice in a month, but on these and whined for her; I thought her nose was not so
occasions spinsters were not invited, and I seldom  very red.
had the opportunity of seeing my Ottilia except at   Things came to this pitch that I sounded His
evening parties.                               Highness's minister to know whether he would give
Nor are these, if the truth must be told, very  me service in the Duchy; I thought of purchasing
much to my taste. Dancing I have forsworn, whist an estate there. I was given to understand that I
is too severe a study for me, and I do not like to  should get a chamberlain's key and some post of
play 4carte with old ladies, who are sure to cheat honor did I choose to remain, and I even wrote
you in the course of an evening's play.        home to my brother Fitz in England, hinting a
But to have an occasional glance at Ottilia was change in my condition.
enough; and many and many a napoleon did I lose    At this juncture, the town of Hamburg sent His
to her mamma, Madame de Schlippenschlopp, for Highness the Grand Duke (apropos of a commercial
the blest privilege of looking at her daughter. union which was pending between the two states) a
Many is the tea-party I went to, shivering into cold singular present, no less than a certain number of
clothes after dinner (which is my abomination) in barrels of oysters, which are considered extreme
order to have one little look at the lady of my soul. luxuries in Germany, especially in the inland parts
At these parties, there were generally refresh- of the country, where they are almost unknown.




1020                  THE YOUNG SCHOLAR.  THE MODERN SAINT.
In honor of the oysters and the new commercial   I never was much of an oyster-eater, nor can I
treaty (which arrived in fourgons despatched for relish them in naturalibus as some do, but require
the purpose), His Highness announced a grand sup- a quantity of sauces, lemons, cayenne peppers,
per and ball, and invited all the quality of all the bread and butter, and so forth, to render them
principalities round about. It was a splendid affair, palatable.
the grand saloon brilliant with hundreds of uniforms   By the time I had made my preparations, Ottilia,
and brilliant toilettes-not the least beautiful the captains, and the two ladies, had well-nigh finamong them, I need not say, was Ottilia.       ished theirs.  Indeed, Ottilia had gobbled up all
At midnight the supper-rooms were thrown open, hers, and there were only my: nine left in the dish.
and we formed into little parties of six, each having   I took one-IT WAS BAD. The scent of it was
a table, nobly served with plate, a lackey in attend- enough-they were all bad. Ottilia had eaten nine
ance, and a gratifying ice-pail or two of champagne bad oysters.
to egayer the supper. It was no small cost to serve   I put down the horrid shell. - Her eyes glistened
five hundred people on silver, and the repast was more and more, she could not take them off the tray.
certainly a princely and magnificent one.        "Dear Herr George," she said, "Will you give
I had, of course, arranged with Mademoiselle de me your oysters?"
Schlippenschlopp. Captains Frumpel and Friedel-      *       *       *       *       *
berger of the Duke's Guard, Mesdames de Butter-      *       *       *       *       *
brod and Bopp, formed our little party.        She had them all down-before-I could say —Jack
The first course, of course, consisted of the oysters. — Robinson.
Ottilia's eyes gleamed with double brilliancy as the  *      *       *       *       *
lackey opened them; there were nine a-piece for   I left Kalbsbraten that night,: and have never
us —how well I recollect the number!           been there since.
THE YOUNG SCHOLAR.
ANONYMOUS.
A COUNTRY schoolmaster, hight Jonas Bell,'Twas thus:-a lady who supported Bell,
Once undertook of little souls,              Came unexpectedly to hear them spell;
To furnish up their jobber-knowls-           The pupil fix'd on by the pedagogue,
In other words, he taught them how to spell.   Her son, a little round-faced, ruddy rogue,
And well adapted to the task was Bell,         Who thus his letters on the table laidWhose iron-visage measur'd half an ell,      M, I, L, K, and paused —" Well, sir, what's that?"
With huge proboscis, and eye-brows of soot,      "I cannot tell," the boy all trembling said.
Arm'd at the jowl just like a boar-          "Not tell! you little blind and stupid brat?
And when he gave an angry roar,             Not tell?" roared Jonas, in a violent rage,
The little school-boys stood as fishes mute.   And quick prepar'd an angry war to wagePoor Jonas, tho' a patient man as Job,       "Tell me this instant, or I'll flay thy hide(Yet still, like Job, was sometimes heard to growl,)  Come, sir!
Was by a scholar's adamantine nob,             Dost thou this birchen weapon see P?
Beyond all patience gravell'd to the soul.       What puts thy mother in her tea?"
I question whether Jonas in the fish        With lifted eyes the quaking rogue repliedDid ever diet on a bitterer dish.                  "RUM, sir!"
THE MODERN SAINT.
ANONYMOUS.
HERE and there it is our fate,                 Good morals, sober, honest, steady, clean,
To meet a sort of reprobate,                     Shun plays, hate girls, rise early in the morning:
Who makes us feel the proverb lame,                All which, though wisely he defined it,
That man and master are the same.                  He found just as he wished to find it;It chanced within a century,                     The man himself said soThere lived at B   - -                         And he must know.
A saint, who well deserved                   But now, though Thomas thought it all too much,
In rum to be preserved.                      There yet remained this final master-touch.
So pious and so fond of freedom,               He said —his visage graced with saint-like airsNo one to slavery would he doom.                 "' When you have rack'd your horses up,
But whites with him were not the crack ones,     You'll comb your hair, and wash and sup,
His charity was all for black ones.           And then, I shall expect, attend at prayers.
One day, a man-a common case-                      There like myself behave,
Was looking out to get a place,                    And sing a stave."
When he was told that there was room           At this, the man-somewhat confusedIn this said mansion for a groom.              Scraped, scratched his head, and mused;
He came-the master most observant,               "Yes, sir-oh, yes-but if I mustStrict in the hiring of a servant,             As it is right to do what one engagesWent thro' the forms inherent to the scene,          Your honor won't object, I trust,
Of character, of wages, and of warning,        To let it be considered in my wages."




A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED  DIPLOMATIS~.                         102i
A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.
FROM "VIVIAN GREY." BY BENJAMIN D'ISRAELI.
ON the following morning, before sunrise, the    "Thus far I think I have well piloted you," said
Prince's valet roused Vivian from his slumbers. the Prince; "'but I confess my knowledge here
According to the appointment of the preceding ceases; and though I shall disobey the diplomatic
evening, Vivian repaired in due time to a certain instructions of the great man, I must even ask some
spot in the park. The Prince reached it at the old woman the way to Mr. Beckendorfi's."
same moment.  A mounted groom, leading two   While they were hesitating as to whom'they
English horses, of very showy appearance, and should address, an equestrian, who had already
each having a travelling case strapped on the back passed them on the road, though at some distance,
of its saddle, awaited them. His Highness mount- came up, and inquired, in a voice which Vivian im.
ed one of the steeds with skilful celerity, although  mediately recognized as that of the messenger who
Arnelm and Von Neuwied were not there to do had brought Beckendorff's letter to Turriparva,
honor to his bridle and his stirrup.          whether he had the honor of addressing Mr. Von
"You must give me an impartial opinion of your Philipson. Neither of the gentlemen answered, for
courser, my dear friend," said the Prince to Vivian, Vivian of course expected the Prince to reply; and
"for if you deem it worthy of being bestridden by his Highness was, as yet, so unused to his incognito,
you, my son requests that you will do him the great that he had actually forgotten his own name. But
honor of accepting it; if so, call it Max; and pro- it was evident that the demandant had questioned,
vided it be as thorough-bred as the donor, you need rather from system, than by way of security; and
not change it for Bucephalus."                he waited very patiently until the Prince had col" Not worthy of the son of Ammon!" said Vivian, lected his senses, and assumed sufficient gravity of
as he touched the spirited animal with the spur, and countenance to inform the horseman that he was
proved its fiery action on the springing turf.  the person in question. "What, Sir, is your pleasA man never feels so proud or so sanguine as ure?"
when he is bounding on the back of a fine horse.   "I am instructed to ride on before you, sir, that
Cares fly with the first curvet; and the very sight you may not mistake your way;" and without waitof a spur is enough to prevent one committing  ing for an answer, the laconic messenger turned his
suicide. What a magnificent creature is man, that steed's head, and trotted off.
a brute's prancing hoof can'influence his temper or   The travellers soon left the high road, and turned
his destiny!-ard truly, however little there may  up a wild turf path, not only inaccessible to carbe to admire in the rider, few things in this admira- riages, but even requiring great attention from
ble world can be conceived more beautiful than a horsemen. After much winding, and some flounhorse, when the bloody spur has thrust some anger dering, they arrived at a light and very fanciful
in his resentful side. How splendid to view him  iron gate, which apparently opened into a shrubwith his dilated nostril, his flaming eye, his arched  bery.
neck, and his waving tail, rustling like a banner in    "I will take your horses here, gentlemen," said
a battle!-to see him champing his slavered bridle, the guide; and getting off his horse, he opened the
and sprinkling the snowy foam upon the earth, gate. "Follow this path, and you can meet with
which his hasty hoof seems almost as if it scorned  no difficulty." The Prince and Vivian accordingly
to touch!                                     dismounted; and the guide immediately, with the
When Vivian and his companion had proceeded: end of his whip, gave a loud shrill whistle.
about five miles, the Prince pulled up, and giving a   The path ran, for a very short way, through the'
sealed letter to the groom, he desired him to leave shrubbery, which evidently was a belt encircling
them. The Prince and Vivian amused themselves the grounds.: From this, the Prince and Vivian
for a considerable time, by endeavoring to form a emerged: upon an ample lawn, which formed on the,
correct conception of the person, manners, and farthest side a terrace, by gradually sloping down
habits of the wonderful man to whom they were on -to the margin of a river. It was enclosed on the
the point of paying so interesting a visit.   other sides by an iron railing of the same pattern
" I bitterly regret,"' said Vivian, " that I have as the gate, and a great number of white pheasants
forgotten my Montesquieu; and what would I give were quietly feeding'in its centre. Following the
now to know by rote only one quotation from Ma- path which skirted the lawn, they arrived at achiavel! I expect to be received with folded arms, second gate, which opened into a garden, in which
and a brow lowering with the overwhelming weight no signs of the taste at present existing in Germany
of a brain meditating for the control of millions. for the English -system  of picturesque pleasureHis: letter has prepared us for the mysterious, but grounds were at all visible. The walk was bounded
not very amusing style of his conversation.  He on both sides by tall borders, or rather hedges, of
will be perpetually on his guard not to commit him- box, cut into: the'shape of battlements; the sameself; and:although public business, and the receipt ness of these -turrets being occasionally varied by
of papers, by calling him away, will occasionally the immovable form of some trusty warder, carved
give us an opportunity of being alone; still I regret out of yew or laurel. Raised' terraces and arched
most bitterly, that I did not put in my case some walks, aloes and orange trees, mounted on sculpinteresting volume which would have allowed me tured pedestals, columns of cypress, and pyramids
to feel less tedious those hours during which you of bay, whose dark foliage strikingly contrasted
will necessarily be employed with him in private with the -marble statues, and the white vases shinconsultation."                               ing in the sun, rose in all directions in methodical
After a ride of five hours, the horsemen -arrived confusion. The sound of a fountain was not wantat a small village.                           ing; and large beds of the most beautiful flowers




1022                   A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.
abounded; but, in no instance did Vivian observe said that he was honored "by the presence of Mr.
that two kinds of plants were ever mixed together. Von Philipson."  The Prince answered his salutaProceeding through a very lofty berqeau, occasional tion in a manner equally ceremonious, and equally
openings, whose curving walks allowed effective courtly; for having no mean opinion of his own
glimpses of a bust or a statue, the companions at diplomatic abilities, his Highness determined that
length came in sight of the house. It was a long, neither by an excess of coldness, nor cordiality on
uneven, low building, evidently of ancient archi- his part, should the Minister gather the slightest
tecture. Numerous stacks of tall and fantastically  indication of the temper in which he had attended
shaped chimneys rose over three thick and heavy the interview. You see that even the bow of a
gables, which reached down further than the mid- diplomatist is a very serious business!
dle of the elevation, forming three compartments,   "Mr. Beckendorff," said his Highness, "my letone of them, including a large and modern bow- ters doubtless informed you that I should avail mywindow, over which clustered in profusion the self of your permission to be accompanied. Let me
sweet and glowing blossoms of the clematis and have the honor of presenting to you my friend Mr.
the pomegranate. Indeed, the whole front of the Grey, an English gentleman."
house was so completely covered with a rich scarlet   As the Prince spoke, Beckendorff stood with his
creeper, that it was almost impossible to ascertain arms crossed behind him, and his chin resting upon
of what materials it was built. As Vivian was ad- his chest; but his eyes at the same time so raised
miring a large white peacock, which, attracted by as to look his Highness full in the face. Vivian was
their approach, had taken the opportunity of un- so struck by his posture, and the expression of his
furling its wheeling train, a man came forward from  countenance, that he nearly omitted to bow when
the bow-window.                               he was presented. As his name was mentioned,
I shall be particular in my description of his ap- the Minister gave him a sharp, sidelong glance,
pearance. In height he was about five feet eight and moving his head very gently, he invited his
inches, and of a spare, but well-proportioned figure. guests to enter the house. The gentlemen accordHe had very little hair, which was highly powdered, inglv complied with his request. Passing through
and dressed in a manner to render more remarka- the bow-window, they found themselves in a wellble the extraordinary elevation of his conical and sized room, the sides of which were covered with
polished forehead. His long piercing black eyes shelves of richly bound books. There was nothing
were almost closed, from the fulness of their upper in the room which gave the slightest indication
lids. His cheeks were sallow, his nose aquiline, that the master of the library was any other than a
his mouth compressed. His ears, which were quite private gentleman. Not a book, not a chair was
uncovered by hair, were so wonderfully small, out of its place. A purple inkstand of Sevres china,
that it would be wrong to pass them over unno- and a very highly-tooled morocco portfolio of the
ticed; as indeed were his hands and feet, which in same color, reposed on a rosewood table, and that
form were quite feminine. He was dressed in a was all. No papers, no despatches, no red tape,
coat and waistcoat of black velvet, the latter part and no red boxes. Over an ancient chimney, lined
of his costume reaching to his thighs;,and in a with blue china tiles, on which were represented
button-hole of his coat was a large bunch of tube- the most grotesque figures-cows playing the harp
rose.  A small part of his flannel waistcoat ap- -monkeys acting monarchs-and tall figures all
peared through an opening in his exquisitely plaited legs, flying with rapidity from pursuers who were
shirt, the broad collar of which, though tied round all head-over this chimney were suspended some
with a wide black ribbon, did not conceal a neck curious pieces of antique armor, among which an
which agreed well with his beardless chin, and Italian dagger, with a chased and jewelled hilt, was
would not have misbecome a woman. In England the most remarkable, and the most precious.
we should have called his breeches buck-skin.   "This," said Mr. Beckendorff, "is my library."
They were of a pale yellow leather, and suited his   "What a splendid poniard!" said the Prince, who
large and spur-armed cavalry boot, which fitted had no taste for books; and he immediately walked
closely to the legs they covered, reaching over the up to the chimney-piece. Beckendorff followed him,
knees of the wearer.  A ribbon round his neck, and taking down the admired weapon from its resttucked into his waistcoat pocket, was attached to a ing-place, proceeded to lecture on its virtues, its
small French watch. He swung in his right hand antiquity, and its beauty. Vivian seized this opthe bow of a violin; and in the other, the little portunity of taking a rapid glance at the contents
finger of which was nearly hid by a large antique of his library. He anticipated interleaved copies
ring, he held a white handkerchief, strongly per- of Michael Vattel, and Montesquieu; and the lightfumed with violets.  Notwithstanding the many est works that he expected to meet with were the
feminine characteristics which I have noticed, either lying memoirs of some intriguing Cardinal, or the
from the expression of the eyes, or the formation  deluding apology of an exiled Minister.  To his
of the mouth, the countenance of this individual surprise he found that, without an exception, the
generally conveyed an impression of the greatest collection merely consisted of poetry and romance;
firmness and energy. This description will not be and while his eyes rapidly passed over, not only
considered ridiculously minute by those who have the great names of Germany, but also of Italy and
never had an opportunity of becoming acquainted France, it was with pride that he remarked upon
with the person of so celebrated a gentleman as the shelves an English Shakspere; and perhaps
Mr. BECKENDORFF.                              with still greater delight, a complete edition of the
He advanced to the Prince with an air which enchanted volumes of our illustrious Scott. Surseemed to proclaim, that as his person could not be prised at this most unexpected circumstance, Vimistaken, the ceremony of introduction was per- vian looked with a curious eye on the unlettered
fectly unnecessary. Bowing in the most ceremo- backs of a row of mighty folios on a corner shelf;
nious and courtly manner to his Highness, Mr. " These," he thought, " at least must be royal orBeckendorff in a weak, but not unpleasing voice, dinances, and collected state-papers."  The sense




A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.                            1023
of propriety struggled for a moment with the pas- humored the fantasies of the Minister; and said
sion of curiosity; but nothing is more difficult for that he preferred his picture to any Breughel he
the man who loves books, than to refrain from ex- had ever seen.
amining a volume which he fancies may be unknown    "I see you have a fine taste," said Mr. Beckento him. From the jewelled dagger, Beckendorff  dorff, with a very serious air, but in a most courtehad now got to an enamelled breastplate. Two to  ous tone; "you shall see my Claude!"
one he should not be observed; and so, with a des-   The rich yellow tint of the second window, gave
perate pull, Vivian extracted a volume-it was a to the fanciful garden all that was requisite to make
herbal! He tried another-it was a collection of it look Italian.
dried insects!  He immediately replaced it, and    "Have you ever been in Italy, sir?" asked Beckstaring at his host, wondered whether he really  endorff.
could be the Mr. Beckendorff of whom he had heard    "I have not."
so much.                                          "You have, Mr. Von Philipson?
" And now," said Mr. Beckendorff, " I will show    "Never south of Germany," answered the Prince,
you my drawing-room."                          who was exceedingly hungry, and eyed with a raHe opened the door at the further end of the pacious glance the capital luncheon which he saw
library, and introduced them to a room of a very  prepared for him.
different character. The sun, which was shining    "Well then, when either of you go, you will of
very brightly, lent additional brilliancy to the rain- course not miss the Laggo Maggiore.  Gaze on
bow-tinted birds of paradise, the crimson mackaws, Isola Bella at sunset, and you will not view as fair
and the green parroquets that glistened on the  a scene as this!  And now, Mr. Von Philipson,"
splendid India paper, which covered not only the  said Mr. Beckendorff, "do me the favor of giving
walls, but also the ceiling of the room. Over the me your opinion of this Honthorst?"
fire-place, a black frame, projecting from the wall   His Highness would rather have given his opinion
and mournfully contrasting with the general bril- of the fine dish of stewed game which still smoked
liant appearance of the apartment, inclosed a pic- upon the table, but which he was mournfully conture of a beautiful female; and bending over its vinced would not smoke long; or of the large cuframe, and indeed partly shadowing the counte- cumbers, of which he was particularly fond, and
nance, was the withered branch of a tree. A harp- which, among many other vegetables, his amorous
sichord, and several cases of musical instruments eye had already detected.  "But," thought he,
were placed in different parts of the room; and  "this is the last!" and so he very warmly admired
suspended by very broad black ribbons from a wall the effect produced by the flaming panes, to which
on each side of the picture, were a guitar and a tam- Beckendorff swore that no piece ever painted by
bourine. On a sofa, of usual size, lay a Cremona; Gerard Honthorst, for brilliancy of coloring and
and as Mr. Beckendorff passed the instrument, he boldness of outline, could be compared; "besides,"
threw by its side the bow, which he had hitherto  continued Beckendorff, " mine are all animated piccarried in his hand.                           tures. See that cypress, waving from the gentle
" We may as well now take something," said Mr. breeze which is now stirring-and look! look at
Beckendorff, when his guests had sufficiently ad- this crimson peacock! —look! Mr. Von Philipson."
mired the room; "my pictures are in my dining-   "I am looking, Mr. Von-   I beg pardon, Mr.
room-let us go there."                         Beckendorff," said the Prince, with great dignitySo saying, and armed this time, not only with  making this slight mistake in the name, either from
his bow, but also with his violin, he retraced his being unused to converse with such low people as
steps through the library, and crossing a small had not the nominal mark of nobility, or to vent
passage, which divided the house into two com- his spleen at being so unnecessarily kept from the
partments, he opened the door into his dining-room. refreshment which he so much required.
The moment that they entered the room, their ears    " Mr. Von Philipson," said Beckendorff, suddenly
were saluted, and indeed their senses ravished, by  turning round; " all my fruits and all my vegetables,
what appeared to be a concert of a thousand birds; are from my own garden. Let us sit down and
yet none of the winged choristers were to be seen, help ourselves."
and not even a single cage was visible. The room,   The only substantial food at table was a great
which was very simply furnished, appeared at first dish of stewed game, which I believe I have menrather gloomy; for though lighted by three win- tioned before. The Prince seized the breast and
dows, the silk blinds were all drawn.          wings of a young pheasant, Vivian attacked a fine
"And now," said Mr. Beckendorff, raising the  tender hare, and Beckendorff himself cut off the
blind, " you shall see my pictures. At what do you wing of a partridge. The vegetables and the fruits
estimate this Breughel?"                       were numerous and superb; and there really apThe window, which was of stained green glass, peared to be a fair prospect of the Prince of Little
gave to the landscape an effect similar to that gen- Lilliput making as good a luncheon as if the whole
erally produced by the artist mentioned.  The had been conducted under the auspices of Master
Prince, who was already very puzzled by finding  Randolph himself,-had it not been for the conone who, at the same time, was both his host and  founded melody of the unseen vocalists, which, probhis enemy, so perfectly different a character to what ably excited by the sounds of the knives and plates,
he had conceived, and who, being by temper su- too evidently increased every moment. But this
perstitious, considered that this preliminary false inconvenience was soon removed by Mr. Beckenopinion of his was rather a bad oien,-did not dorff rising, and giving three loud knocks on the
express any very great admiration of the gallery of door opposite to the one by which they had enterMr. Beckendorff; but Vivian, who had no ambitious ed. Immediate silence ensued.
hopes or fears to affect his temper, and who was    "Clara will be here in an instant, to change your
delighted with the character with whom he had be- plate, Mr. Von Philipson," said Beckendorff —" and
come so unexpectedly acquainted-good-naturedly here she is."




1024                   A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED  DIPLOMA TIST.
Vivian eagerly looked up, not with the slightest seedless cucumber that you can find. Six hours
idea that the entrance of Clara would prove that before you want to eat it, put the stalk in cold
the mysterious picture in the drawing-room was water on a marble slab-not the whole cucumbera portrait; but it must be confessed with a little that's nonsense. Then pare it very carefully, so as
curiosity to view the first specimen of the sex to takeoffall the green outside and no more. Slice
who lived under the roof of Mr. Beckendorff. Clara it as thin as possible, spread it over your dish, and
was a hale old woman with rather an acid ex- sprinkle it with a good deal of white pepper, red
pression of countenance; very prim in her appear- pepper, salt, and mustard-seed. Mix some oil and
ance, and evidently very precise in her manners. common vinegar with a little Chili, and drown it in
She placed a bottle, and two wine glasses with long them. Open a large window very wide-and throw
thin stems, on the table; and having removed the it all out!"
game, and changed the plates, she disappeared.  It was quite evident that Mr. Von Philipson was
"Pray what wine is this, Mr. Beckendorff?" ea- extremely disappointed, and perhaps a little offendgerly asked the Prince, with a countenance glowing ed at the unexpected termination of Mr. Beckenwith delight-and his Highness was vulgar enough  dorff's lecture, to which he had listened with the
to smack his lips, which, for a Prince, is really  most interested attention. As for Vivian Grey, he
shocking.                                     did not affect to contain himself any longer, but
"I really don't know. I never drink wine."  gave way to a long and loud laugh-a laugh not so
-"Not know! Grey, take a glass. What's your much excited by the manner in which Beckendorff
opinion?-I never tasted such wine in my life. had detailed the desired information, although it
Why I do declare it is real Tokay!"          was extremely humorous, as by the striking contrast
" Probably it may be," said Mr. Beckendorff; "I which the speaker and the speech afforded to the
think it was a present from the Emperor. I have conceptions which he and his companion had formnever tasted it."                             ed of their host during their ride.- His rather bois.
" My dear sir, take a glass!" said the Prince; his terous risibility, apparently, did not offend Mr.
natural kind and jovial temper having made him  Beckendorff, on whose upper lip, for an instant,
completely forget whom he was addressing, the Vivian thought he detected a smile or a sneer. It
business he had come upon, and indeed- every thing was, however, only for an instant; for the Minister
else except the astounding circumstance that there immediately rose from  table, and left the room by
was an individual in the room who refused to take the same door on which his three loud knocks had
his share of a bottle of real Tokay:-" My dear sir, previously produced so tranquillizing an effect.
take a glass."     ~                            The sudden arrival and appearance of some new
"I never drink wine; I'm glad you like it, I have and unexpected guests through the very mysterious
no doubt Clara has more."                     portal by which Mr. Beckendorff had vanished, not
"No, no, no! we must be moderate, we must be only were the source of fresh entertainment to our
moderate," said the Prince, who, though a great hero, but also explained the character of the apartadmirer of a good luncheon, had:also a due respect ment, which, from its unceasing melody, had so
for a good dinner,-and consequently had no idea much excited his curiosity.: These new guests were
at this awkward hour in the day of preventing him- a crowd of piping bullfinches, Virginia nightingales,
self from properly appreciating the future banquet. trained canaries, Java sparrows, and Indian lories;
Moreover, his Highness, taking into consideration  which having been freed from their cages of golden
the very piquant sauce with which the game- had wire by their fond master, had fled, as was their
been-dressed, and the marks of refinement and good custom, from his superb aviary to pay their respects
taste which seemed to pervade every part of the  and compliments~ at his daily levee.
establishment of Mr. Beckendorff, did not imagine    The table was immediately covered, and the
that he was much presuming, when he conjectured  Prince immediately annoyed. Nothing did he dethat there was a fair chance of his dinner being test so much as the whole feathered race; and now,
something very superior. The Prince, therefore, as far as he could observe, he might as well have
opposed a further supply -of Tokay; and contented  visited a bird-catcher as Mr. Beckendorff.  The
himself for the present with assisting his Gruyere white pheasants, and white peacock, could have
with one of the very fine-looking cucumbers-his been borne; but as for the present intrusion, a man
favorite cucumbers; which, though yet untasted, had better live in Noah's ark than in the liberties
had not, in spite of the wine, been banished from  of an aviary. The Prince was quite right; it was
his memory.                                   extremely annoying. A couple of bullfinches res"Y- ou seem very fond of cucumbers, Mr. Von pectively perched on each of his shoulders, and
Philipson," said Beckendorff.                 commenced a most thrilling and jacobinical hymn
"So fond of them that I prefer them to any of liberty, in celebration of their release; and an
vegetable, and to most fruits. What is more cool- impudent little canary- attacked his cucumber. As
ing-more refreshing? What-"                  if this were not sufficient to produce instantaneous
"I never eat them myself; but I'll tell you, if insanity, a long-tailed scarlet lory lighted on his
you like, what I think the- best way of treating a head, and commenced its usual fondling tricks, -by
cucumber."                                    rubbing its beak in the Prince's hair, fluttering its
His Highness was the most ready, and the most wing on his cheek, and pecking his eye-brows. As
graceful of pupils; and Vivian could scarcely sup- it got more delighted, it, shrieked its joy into his
press his laughter, when the Prime Minister, with a ear with such shrillness, that he started from his
grave:, countenance, and in his peculiarly subdued chair; and the little favorite consequently slipping
voice and somewhat precise mode of speaking, cornm  down, to save itself from falling, hung upon his lip
menced instructing his political opponent upon the by his beak. As soon as his Highness had extriimportant topic of dressing a vegetable.      cated himself from this unpleasing situation, the
":You must be careful," said Mr. Beckendorff, lory, making a perch on the back of his chair, re"to pick out the straightest thinnest-skinned, most gained its first position.




A:VISIT. TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.                           1025
I'll
Just as the Prince was asking Vivian to hasten  threw himself on the sofa, and began humming a
to his assistance, Mr. Beckendorff returned, -   tune in a very low voice. Presently, he took up his
"Never mind, Mr. Von Philipson," said the Minister, Cremona, and using the violin as a guitar, accom"never mind; it only wants to make a nest, poor panied himself in a very beautiful air, but not in a
thing!"                                         more audible tone.  While Mr. Beckendorff was
"But I do mind, Mr. Beckendorff; I detest birds, singing, he seemed quite unconscious that any perand this annoying little animal, I beg to informin you, son was in the room; and the Prince, who detested
is exceedingly troublesome."                    music, certainly gave him no hint, either by his ap"Wheugh!" said the Prime Minister of Reisen- probation or his attention, that he was listened to.
berg, and the troublesome lory flew to his shoulder. Vivian, however, like most unhappy men, did love
"I am glad to see that you like birds, sir," said  music with all his spirit's strength; and actuated
Beckendorff to Vivian; for our good hero, good- by this feeling, and the interest which he began to
naturedly humoring the tastes of his host, was im- take in the character of Mr. Beckendorff, he could
partially dividing the luxuries of a peach among a not, when that gentleman had finished his air, recrowd of gaudy and greedy little sparrows.  "You  frain from very sincerely saying "encore!"
shall see my favorites," continued Beckendorff, and    Beckendorff started and looked around, as if he
tapping rather loudly on the table, he held out the  were for the first moment aware that any being had
forefinger of each hand. The two bullfinches, which  heard him.
were still singing on the shoulder of the Prince, re-   "Encore!" said he, with a kind sneer; "who
cognized the signal, and immediately hastened to  ever could sing or play the same thing twice! Are
their perch.                                    you fond of music, sir?"
" My dear!" thrilled out onelittle songster; and it   " Very much so, indeed; I fancied I recognized
raised its speaking eyes to its delighted master.    that air. You are an admirer, I imagine, of Mo" My love!" warbled the other, making its affec- zart?"
tion by looks equally personal.                    " I never heard of him; I know nothing of those
These monosyllables wee -repeated fifty times; at gentry. But if you really like music, I'll play you
each one, Beckendorff, with sparkling eyes, and a something worth listening to."
countenance  radiant with  delight, triumphantly    Mr. Beckendorff began a beautiful air very adalooked round at Vivian, as if the frequent reitera- gio, gradually increasing the time in a kind of vation were a proof of the sincerity of the affection  riation, till at last his execution became so wonderof these singular friends.                      fully rapid, that Vivian, surprised at the mere meAt length, to the Prince's great relief Mr. Beck- chanical action, rose from his chair in order better
endorff's feathered -friends having finished their to examine the player's management and motion of
dessert, were sent back to their cages, with a strict his bow. Exquisite as were the tones, enchanting
injunction not to trouble their master at present as were the originality of his variations, and the
with their voices-an injunctin injunction which, to Vivian's perfect harmony of harmony of his composition, it was nevergreat surprise, was obeyed to the letter; and when  theless extremely difficult to resist laughing at the
n t door was closed, few persons in the world could  ludicrous contortions of his face and figure. Now,
have been persuaded that the next room was an  his body bending to the strain, he was at one moaviary.                                         ment with his violin raised in the air, and the next
"I am proud of my peaches, Mr. Von Philipson," instant with the lower nut almost resting upon his
said Beckendorff, recommending the fruit to his foot. At length, by well-proportioned degrees, the
guest's attention; then, rising from the the air died away ito the tabl he air died awayeoriginal soft cadence; and




1026                   A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.
the player becoming completely entranced in his Philipson, that the flower comes out at the same
own performance, finished by sinking back on the joint with the leaf, on a peduncle near three inches
sofa, with his bow and violin raised over his head. long; round the centre of it are two radiating
Vivian would not disturb him by his applause. An  crowns; look, look, sir! the inner inclining towards
instant after, Mr. Beckendorff, throwing down the the centre column-now examine this well, and I'll
instrument, rushed through an open window into be with you in a moment."  So saying, Mr. Beckthe garden.                                   endorff, running with great rapidity down the walk,
As soon as Beckendorff was out of sight, Vivian jumped over the railing, and in a moment was
looked at the Prince; and his Highness, elevating coursing across the lawn, towards the river, in a
his eyebrows, screwing up his mouth, and shrug- desperate chase after a dragon-fly.
ging his shoulders, altogether presented a very    Mr. Beckendorff was soon out of sight; and after
comical picture of a puzzled man.             lingering half an hour in the vicinity of the blue
" Well, my dear friend," said he, " this is rather passion-flower, the Prince proposed to Vivian that
different to what we expected."               they should quit the spot. "As far as I can ob" Very different, indeed; but much more amus- serve," continued his highness, "we might as well
ing."                                         quit the house.  No wonder that JBeckendorff's
"Humph!" said the Prince, very slowly, "I do power is on the wane, for he appears to me to be
not think it exactly requires a ghost to tell us that growing childish. Surely he could not always have
Mr. Beckendorff is not in the habit of going to been this frivolous creature!"
Court. I don't know how he is accustomed to con-   " I really am so overwhelmed with astonishment,"
duct himself when he is honored by a visit from the said Vivian, " that it is quite out of my power to
Grand Duke; but I am quite sure, that as regards assist your highness in any supposition.  But I
his treatment of myself, to say the least, the incog- should recommend you not to be too hasty in your
nito is very well observed."                  movements. Take care that staying here does not
"Mr. Von Philipson," said the gentleman of affect the position which you have taken up, or
whom they were speaking, putting his head in at retard the progress of any measures on which you
the window; " you shall see my blue passion flower. have determined, and you are safe. What will it
-We'll take a walk round the garden."        injure you, if, with the chance of achieving the
The Prince gave Vivian a look, which seemed to  great and patriotic purpose to which you have desuppose they must go; and accordingly they step- voted your powers and energies, you are subjected
ped into the garden.                          for a few hours to the caprices, or even rudeness,
"You do not see my garden in its glory," said of any man whatever?  If Beckendorff be the charMr. Beckendorff, stopping before the bow-window of acter which the world gives him credit to be, I do
the library; "this spot is my strong point; had not think he can imagine that you are to be deyou been here earlier in the year, you might have ceived twice; and if he do imagine so, we are conadmired with me my invaluable crescents of tulips vinced that he will be disappointed. If, as you
-such colors! such brilliancy! so defined!  And have supposed, not only his power is on the wane,
last year I had three king-tulips; their elegant but his intellect also, four-and-twenty hours will
formed creamy cups I have never seen equalled. convince us of the fact; for in less than that time
And then my double variegated ranunculuses; my your highness will necessarily have conversation of
hyacinths of fifty bells, in every tint, single and a more important nature with him. I strenuously
double; and my favorite stands of auriculas, so recommend, therefore, that we continue here tolarge and powdered, that the color of the velvet day, although," added Vivian, smiling, "I have to
leaves was scarcely discoverable! The blue pas- sleep in his observatory."
sion-flower is, however, not very beautiful. You   After walking in the garden about an hour, the
see that summer-house, sir," continued he, turning  Prince and Vivian again went into the house, imato Vivian, "the top is my observatory; you will gining that Beckendorff might have returned by
sleep in that pavilion to-night, so you had better another entrance; but he was not there.  The
take notice how the walk winds."              Prince was very much annoyed; and Vivian, to
The passion-flower was trained against the sum- amuse himself, had recourse to the library. After
mer-house in question.                        re-examining the armor, looking at the garden
"There!" said Mr. Beckendorff, and he stood through the painted windows, conjecturing who
admiring with outstretched arms, " the latter days might be the original of the mysterious picture, and
of its beauty, for the autumn frosts will soon stop  what could be the meaning of the withered branch,
its flower: Pray, Mr. Von Philipson, are either you the Prince was fairly worn out. The precise dinner
or your friend a botanist?"                  hour he did not know; and notwithstanding re"Why," said the Prince, "I am a great admirer peated exertions, he had hitherto been unable to
of flowers, but I cannot exactly say that-"   find the blooming Clara. He could not flatter him" Ah! I see you are no botanist. The flower of self, however, that there were less than two hours
this beautiful plant continues only one day, but to kill before the great event took place; and so,
there is a constant succession from July to the end quite miserable, and heartily wishing himself back
of the autumn; and if this fine weather continue-  again at Turriparva, he prevailed upon Vivian to
Pray, sir, how is the wind?"                  throw aside his book, and take another walk.
"I really cannot say," said the Prince; "but I   This time they extended their distance, stretched
think the wind is either-"                    out as far as the river, and explored the adjoining
" Ah! do you know how the wind is, sir?" con- woods; but of Mr. Beckendorff they saw and heard
tinued Beckendorff to Vivian.                 nothing. At length they again returned; it was
"I think, sir, that it is-"                 getting dusk. They found the bow-window of the
" Ah! I see it's westerly.-Well, if this weather library closed.  They again entered the diningcontinue, the succession may still last another room; and, to their surprise, found no preparations
month. You will be interested to know, Mr. Von for dinner. This time the Prince was more fortun



-A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.                            1027
ate in his exertions to procure an interview with    "Then why should he object?" asked the Prince.
Madam Clara, for that lady almost immediately en-    "Mr. Beckendorff is the best judge, sir, of the
tered the room.                                 propriety of his own regulations."
"Pray, my good madam," inquired the Prince;    "Well, well!" said Vivian, more interested for
"has your master returned?"                    his friend than himself, "there is no difficulty in
" Mr. Beckendorff is in the library, sir," said the  asking Mr. Beckendorff."
old lady very pompously.                           "None in the least, sir," answered the house"Indeed! we don't dine in this room, then?"   keeper, "when he is awake."
"Dine, sir!" said the good dame, forgetting her    "Awake!" said the Prince, "why! is he asleep
pomposity in her astonishment.                  now?"
"Yes-dine," said the Prince.                    "Yes, sir, in the library."
"La! sir; Mr. Beckendorff never takes any thing    "And how long will he be asleep?" asked the
after noon meal."                               Prince, with great eagerness.
"Am I to understand, then, that we are to have    " It is uncertain; he may be asleep for hoursno dinner?" asked his highness, angry and agi- he may wake in five minutes; all I can do is to
tated.                                          watch."
" Mr. Beckendorff never takes any thing after his    " But surely in a case like the present, you can
noon meal, sir; but I'm sure if you and your friend  wake your master?"
are hungry, sir, I hope there's never a want in this    "I could not wake Mr. Beckendorff, sir, if the
house."                                         house were on fire. No one can enter the room
" My good lady, I am hungry, very hungry, in- when he is asleep."
deed; and if your master, I mean Mr. Von-that is   "Then how can you possibly know when he is
Mr. Beckendorff, has such a bad appetite that he awake?"
can satisfy himself, with picking, once a day, the    "I shall hear his violin immediately, sir."
breast of a pheasant; why, if he expects his friends    "Well, well! I suppose it must be so. Grey, I
to be willing, or even able to live on such fare,-  wish we were in Turriparva, that is all I know.
the least that I can say is, that he is very much mis- Men of my station have no business to be paying
taken; and so, therefore, my good friend Grey, I visits to the sons of the Lord knows who! peasants,
think we had better order out our horses, and be shopkeepers, and pedagogues!"
off."                                             The Prince of Little Lilliput thought that man"No occasion for that, I hope," said Mrs. Clara, kind were solely created to hunt and to fight; and
rather alarmed at the Prince's passion; *" no want, unless you could spear a boar or owned a commisI trust, ever here, sir; and I make no doubt you'll sion, you were not included in his list of proper
have dinner as soon as possible; and so, sir, I hope  men. We smile at what we consider the narrowyou'll not be hasty."                           minded ideas of a German Prince; yet, perhaps, if
"Hasty! I have no wish to be hasty; but as for we inquire, we shall find that mankind, on an
disarranging the whole economy of the house, and  average, are influenced in all countries by the same
getting up an extemporaneous meal for me-I can- feelings, and in the same degree; and the definition
not think of it. Mr. Beckendorff may live as he  of a gentleman by a hero of St. James's Street, if
likes, and if I stay here I am contented to live as not exactly similar, will not be less unwise and less
he does. I do not wish him to change his habits ridiculous, than the Prince of Little Lilliput's defor me, and I shall take care that after to-day, there  scription of a proper man. An officer in the guards
will be no necessity for his doing so. However, once told me, that no person was a gentleman who
absolute hunger can make no compliments; and  was not the son of a man who had twenty thousand
therefore I will thank you, my good madam, to let a year, landed property. Convinced that his declame and my friend have the remains of that cold  ration was sincere, I respected his prejudices, and
game, if they be still in existence, on which we  did not dispute his definition. I should have belunched, or, as you term it, took our noon meal this haved the same, had I been in Africa, and had a
morning; and which, if it were your own cooking, Hottentot dandy declared, that no person was to be
Mrs. Clara, I assure you, as I observed to my friend  visited who dared to devour the smoking entrails of
at the time, did you infinite credit."          a sheep ill less than a couple of mouthfuls.
The Prince, although his gentlemanly feelings   As a fire was blazing in the dining-room, which
had, in spite of his hunger, dictated a deprecation  Mrs. Clara informed them Mr. Beckendorff never
of Mrs. Clara's making a dinner merely for himself, omitted having every night in the year, the Prince
still thought that a seasonable and deserved com- and his friend imagined that they were to remain
pliment to the lady might assist in bringing about a there, and they consequently did not attempt to
result, which, notwithstanding his politeness, he  disturb the slumbers of Mr. Beckendorff. Resting
very much desired; and that was the production of his feet on the hobs, his Highness, for the fiftieth
another specimen of her culinary accomplishments. time, declared that he wished he had never left
Having behaved, as he considered, with such mod- Turriparva; and just when Vivian was on the point
eration and dignified civility, he was, it must be of giving up, in despair, the hope of consoling him,
confessed, rather astounded, when Mrs. Clara duly  Mrs. Clara entered, and proceeded to lay the cloth.
acknowledged his compliment by her courtesy, was    " Your master is awake, then?" asked the Prince,
sorry to inform him that she dared give no refresh- very quickly.
ment in this house, without Mr. Beckendorff's    " Mr.'Beckendorff has been long awake, sir! and
special order.                                  dinner will be ready immediately."
"Special order! why! surely your master will   His Highness's countenance brightened; and in
not grudge me the cold leg of a pheasant?"     a short time the supper appearing, the Prince again
" Mr. Beckendorff is not in the habit of grudging  fascinated by Mrs. Clara's cookery and Mr. Beckany thing," answered the housekeeper, with offend- endorff's wine, forgot his chagrin, and regained his
ed majesty.                                     temper.




1028                    A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.
In about a couple of hours, Mr. Beckendorff en- rubber.; I shall ring for Clara. Why you are all
tered.                                          so fond of going to bed, I cannot understand. I
"I hope that Clara has given you wine you like, have not been to bed these thirty years."
Mr. Von Philipson?"                              Vivian made his escape; and Beckendorff, pity"Excellent, my dear sir! the same bin, I'll an- ing his degeneracy, proposed to the Prince, in a
swer for that."                                tone which seemed to anticipate that the offer would
Mr. Beckendorff had his violin in his hand; but meet with instantaneous acceptation-double dumbhis dress was much changed. His great boots being  my; —this, however, was too much.
pulled off, exhibiting the white silk stockings which    "No more cards, sir, I thank you," said the
he invariably wore; and his coat had given place to  Prince; "if, however, you have a mind for an
the easier covering of a very long and handsome  hour's conversation, I am quite at your service."
brocade dressing-gown. He drew a chair round the   i" I am obliged to you-I never talk-good night,
fire, between the Prince and Vivian. It was a late Mr. Von Philipson."
hour, and the room was only lighted by the glim-   Mr. Beckendorff left the room. His Highness,mering coals, for the flames had long died away. could contain himself no longer. He rang the bell.
Mr. Beckendorff sat for some time without speak-   "Pray, Mrs. Clara," said he, "where are my
ing, gazing very earnestly on the decaying embers. horses?"
Indeed, before many minutes had elapsed, complete    "Mr. Beckendorff will have no quadrupeds withsilence prevailed, for both the endeavors of the  in a mile of the house, except Owlface."
Prince, and of Vivian, to promote conversation had    "How do you mean?-let me see the man-serbeen unsuccessful. At length, the master of the  vant."
house turned round to the Prince, and pointing to    " The household consists only of myself, sir."
a particular mass of coal, said, "I think, Mr. Von    "Why! where is my luggage, then?"
Philipson, that is the completest elephant I ever   "That has been brought up, sir; it is in your
saw. We will ring the bell for some coals, and then  room."
have a game of whist."                            "I tell you I must have my horses."
The Prince was so surprised by Mr. Beckendorff's   "It is quite impossible to night, sir. I think,
remark, that he was not sufficiently struck by the sir, you had better retire; Mr. Beckendorff may not
strangeness of his proposition; and it was only  be home again these six hours."
when he heard Vivian professing his ignorance of   "What! is your master gone out?"
the game, that it occurred to him that to play    "Yes, sir, he is just gone out to take his ride."
at whist was hardly the object for which he had    "Why! where is his horse kept then?"
travelled from Turriparva.,                       "It's Owlface, sir."
"An Englishman not know whist!" said Mr.   "Owlface, indeed! what, is your master in the
Beckendorff; " ridiculous!-you do not know it. habit of riding out at night?"
You're thinking of the stupid game they play here,   "Mr. Beckendorff rides out, sir, just when it
of Boston whist. Let us play! Mr. Von Philip. happens to suit him."
son, I know, has no objection."                   "It is very odd I cannot ride out when it hap"But, my good sir," said the Prince, "although  pens to suit me! However, I'll be off to-morrow;
previous to conversation I may have no objection to  and so if you please, show me my bed-room at
join in a little amusement, still it appears to me that once."
it has escaped your memory that whist is a game    "Your room is the library, sir."
which requires the co-operation of four persons."  "The library! why, there's no bed in the library."
"Not at all! I take dumbmy. I'm not sure it is   "We have no beds, sir; but the sofa is made
not the finest way of playing the game."       up."
The table was arranged, the lights brought, the     "No beds! well! it's only for one night, You
cards produced, and the Prince of Little Lilliput, are all mad, and I am as mad as you for coming
greatly to his surprise, found himself playing whist here."
with Mr. Beckendorff.  Nothing could -be more    The morning sun, peeping through the window of
dull. The Minister would neither bet nor stake; the little summer-house, roused its inmate at an
and the immense interest which he took in every  early hour; and finding no signs of Mr. Beckencard that was played, most ludicrously contrasted  dorff and his guest having yet arisen from their
with the rather sullen looks of the Prince, and  slumbers, Vivian took the opportunity of strolling
the very sleepy ones of Vivian.  Whenever Mr. about the gardens and the grounds. Directing his
Beckendorff played for dumbmy, he always looked, way along the margin of the river, he soon left the
with the most searching eye into the next ad- lawn, and entered some beautiful meadows, whose
versary's face, as if he would read his cards in  dewy verdure glistened in the brightening beams of
his features. The first rubber lasted an hour and  the early sun. Crossing these, and passing through
a half-three long games, which Mr. Beckendorff, a gate, he found himself in a rural road, whose lofty
to his triumph, hardly won. In the first game of hedge-rows, rich with all the varieties of wild fruit
the second rubber Vivian blundered; *in the second and flower, and animated with the cheering preshe revoked; and in the third, having neglected to  ence of the busy birds chirping from every bough
play, and being loudly called upon, and rated both  and spray, altogether presented a scene which
by his partner and Mr. Beckendorff, he was found  greatly reminded him of the soft beauties of his
to be asleep. Beckendorff threw down his hand  own country. With some men, to remember is to be
with a loud dash, which roused Vivian from his sad; and unfortunately for Vivian Grey, there were
slumber.  He apologized for his drowsiness; but few objects which with him did not give rise to assaid that he was so extremely sleepy that he must sociations of a most painful nature. Of what he
retire. The Prince, who longed to be with Beck- was thinking, as he sat on a bank with his eyes fixed
endorff alone, winked approbation of his intention. on the ground, it is needless to inquire. He was
"Well!" said Beckendorff, "you spoiled the roused from his reverie by the sound of a trotting




A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.                            1029
horse. He looked up, but the winding road pre-   They had now arrived at the gate by which Vivented him at first from seeing the steed which  vian had reached the door.
evidently was approaching. The sound came nearer    "Your course, sir," said Mr. Beckendorff, " lies
and nearer; and at length, turning a corner, Mr. that way.  I see, like myself, you are no great
Beckendorff came in sight. He was mounted on a talker. We shall meet at breakfast."  So saying,
very strong built, rough, and particularly ugly pony, the Minister set spurs to his pony, and was soon
with an obstinate mane, which, defying the exer- out of sight.
tions of the groom or ostler, fell in equal divisions    When Vivian reached the house, he found the
on both sides of its bottle neck; and a large white  bow window of the library thrown open; and as he
face, which, combined with its -blind, or blinking  approached, he saw Mr. Beckendorff enter the room
vision, had earned for it the euphonous and com- and bow to the Prince. His Highness had passed
plimentary title of Owlface. Both master and steed  a most excellent night, in spite of not sleeping in a
must have travelled hard and far, for both were bed; and he was at this moment commencing a
covered with dust and mud from top to toe-from  most delicious breakfast. His ill-humor had consemane to hoof. Mr. Beckendorff seemed surprised  quently all vanished. He had made up his mind that
at meeting Vivian, and pulled up his pony as he Beckendorff was a madman; and although he had
reached him.                                    given up all the secret and flattering hopes which
"An early riser, I see, sir. Where is Mr. Von  he had dared to entertain when the interview was
Philipson?"                                     first arranged, he nevertheless did not regret his
"I have, not yet seen him, and imagined that visit, which on the whole had been very amusing,
both he and yourself had not yet risen."        and had made him acquainted with the person and
"Hum! how many is it to noon?" asked Mr. habits, and, as he believed, the intellectual powers
Beckendorff, who always spoke astronomically.   of a man with whom, most probably, he should soon
"More than four, I imagine."                 be engaged in open hostility. Vivian took his seat
"Pray do you prefer the country about here to  at the breakfast table, and Beckendorff stood conTurriparva?"                                   versing with them with his back to the fire-place,
" Both, I think are very beautiful."         and occasionally, during the pauses of conversation,
"You live at Turriparva?" asked Mr. Becken- pulling the strings of his violin with his fingers.
dorff.                                         It did not escape Vivian's observation that the Min"When I am there," answered Vivian, smiling, ister was particularly courteous, and even attentive
who was too practised a head to be pumped even by  to his Highness; and that he endeavored -by his
Mr. Beckendorff.                                quick, and more communicative answers, and occa"Pray has it been a fine summer at Turriparva?" sionally by a stray observation, to encourage the
"It has been a fine summer, I believe, every- good humor which was visible on the cheerful counwhere."                                        tenance of the Prince.
" I am afraid Mr. Von Philipson finds it rather    " Have you been long up, Mr. Beckendorff?" askdull here?"                                    ed the*Prince; for his host had resumed his dress" I am not aware of it."                     ing-gown and slippers.
"He seems a ve-ry-?" said Mr. Beckendorff,    " I generally see the sun rise."
looking keenly in his companion's face. But Vivian    "And yet you retire late!-out riding last night,
did not supply the desired phrase; and so the Min- I understand?"
ister was forced to finish the sentence himself-" a    " I never go to bed."
very-gentlemanly sort of man?" A low bow was    "Indeed " said the Prince. " Well, for my part,
the only response.                              without my regular rest, I am nothing. Have you
"I trust, sir, I may indulge the hope," continued  breakfasted, Mr. Beckendorff?"
Mr. Beckendorff, "that you will honor me with   "Clara will bring my breakfast immediateyour company another day."                     lvy."
"You are most exceedingly obliging, sir!"     The dame accordingly soon appeared, bearing a
"Mr. Von Philipson is fond, I think, of a country  tray with a basin of boiling water, and one very
life?" said Beckendorff.                      large thick biscuit. This, Mr. Beckendorff having
"Most men are, I think, sir."                well soaked in the hot fluid, eagerly devoured; and
" I suppose he has no innate objection to live oc- then taking up his violin, amused himself until his
casionally in a city?"                         guests had finished their breakfast.
"Few men have, I think, sir."                  When Vivian had ended his meal, he left the
"You probably have known him long?"         Prince and Mr. Beckendorff alone, determined that
"Not long enough to wish our acquaintance at his presence should not be the occasion of the
an end."                                        Minister any longer retarding the commencement
"Hum!"                                      of business. The Prince, who by a private glance
They proceeded in silence for about five minutes, had been prepared for his departure, immediately
and then Beckendorff again turned round, and this took the opportunity of asking Mr. Beckendorff, in
time with a direct question.                    a very decisive tone, whether he might flatter him" I wonder if Mr. Von Philipson can make it con- self that he could command his present attention to
venient to honor me with his company another day. a subject of great importance. Mr. Beckendorff
Can you tell me?"                             said that he was always at Mr. Von Philipson's ser"I think the best person to inform you of that, sir, vice; and drawing a chair opposite him, the Prince
would be his Highness himself," said Vivian, using  and Mr. Beckendorffnow sat on each side of the
his friend's title purposely to show Mr. Beckendorff fire-place.
how very ridiculous he considered his present use   "Hem!" said the Prince, clearing his throat;
of the incognito.                               and he looked at Mr. Beckendorff, who sat with
"You think so, sir, do you?" answered Becken- his heels close together, his toes out square, his
dorff, very sarcastically.                      hands resting on his knees, which, as well as his
66




1030                    -A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.
elbows were turned out, his shoulders bent, his the powers and capabilities of man. On this very
head reclined, and his eyes glancing.            spot, perhaps, some centuries ago, savages clothed
"Hem!" said the Prince of Little Lilliput.  "In in skins were committing cannibalism in a forest.
compliance, Mr. Beckendorff, with your wish, de- We must not forget, I repeat, that it is the business
veloped in the communication received by me on  of those to whom Providence has allotted the rethe - inst., I assented in my answer to the arrange- sponsible possession of power and influence-that it
ment then proposed; the object of which was, to  is their duty, our duty, Mr. Beckendorff-to become
use your own words, to facilitate the occurrence of guardians of our weaker fellow-creatures-that all
an oral interchange of the sentiments of various power is a trust —that we are accountable for its
parties interested in certain proceedings, by which  exercise-that, from the people, and for the people,
interchange it was anticipated that the mutual in- all springs, and all must exist; and that, unless we
terests might be respectively considered and finally  conduct ourselves with the requisite wisdom, pruarranged. Prior, Mr. Beckendorff, to either of us dence, and propriety, the whole system of society
going into any detail upon these points of probable  will be disorganized; and this country, in particu.
discussion, which will, in all likelihood, form the fun- lar, fall a victim to that system  of corruption and
damental features of this interview, I wish to recall misgovernment, which has already occasioned the
your attention to the paper which I had the honor destruction of the great kingdoms mentioned in the
of presenting to his Royal Highness, and which is Bible; and many other States beside-Greece,
alluded to in your communication of the - inst. Rome, Carthage, etc.
The principal heads of that document I have brought   Thus ended the peroration of an harangue conwith me abridged in this paper."                sisting of an incoherent arrangement of imperfectly
Here the Prince handed to Mr. Beckendorff a remembered facts, and misunderstood principles;'MS. pamphlet, consisting of about sixty foolscap  all gleaned by his Highness from the enlightening
sheets, closely written. The Minister bowed very  articles of the Reisenberg journals. Like Brutus,
graciously, as he took it from his Highness's hand; the Prince of Little Lilliput paused for a reply.
and then, without even looking at it, he laid it on    "Mr. Von Philipson," said his companion, when
the table.                                      his Highness had finished, " you speak like a man
"You, sir, I perceive," continued the Prince, of sense."  Having given this answer, Mr. Becken"' are acquainted with its contents; and it will there- dorff rose from his seat, and walked straight out of
fore be unnecessary for me at present to expatiate  the room.
upon their individual expediency, or to argue for   The Prince, at first, took the answer for a comtheir particular adoption. And, sir, when we ob- pliment; but Mr. Beckendorff not returning, he beserve the progress of the human mind, when we gan to have a very faint idea that he was neglected.
take into consideration the quick march of intellect, In this uncertainty, he rang the bell for his old
and the wide expansion of enlightened views and  friend Clara.
liberal principles —when we take a bird's eye view    "Mrs. Clara! where is your master?"
of the history of man from the earliest agegto the    "Just gone out, sir."
present moment, I feel that it would be folly in   "How do you mean?"
me to conceive for an instant, that the measures    "He has gone out with his gun, sir."
developed and recommended in that paper, will not   " You are quite sure he has gone out?"
finally receive the approbation of his Royal High-   " Quite sure, sir. I took him his coat and boots
ness. As to the exact origin of slavery, Mr. Beck- myself."
endorff, I confess that I am not, at this moment,   " I am to understand, then, that your master has
prepared distinctly to speak.  That the divine  gone out?"
author of our religion was its decided enemy, I am    " Yes, sir, Mr. Beckendorff has gone out. He
informed, is clear.  That the slavery of ancient will be home for his noon meal."
times was the origin of the feudal service of a more    "That is enough!-Grey!" hallooed the indigmcndern period, is a point on which men of learning  nant Prince, darting into the garden; "Grey!
have not precisely made up their minds. With re- Grey! where are you, Grey?"
gard to the exact state of the ancient German peo-   "Well, my dear Prince," said Vivian; "what
ple, Tacitus affords us a great deal of most interest- can possibly be the matter?"
ing information. Whether or not, certain passages    " The; matter! insanity can be the only excuse;
which I have brought with me marked in the Ger- insanity can alone account for his preposterous conmania, are incontestable evidences that our ances- duct. We have seen enough of him. The repetitors enjoyed or understeod the practice of a wise tion of absurdity is only wearisome. Pray assist
and well regulated liberty, is a point on which I me in getting our horses immediately."
shall be happy to receive the opinion of so distin-   "Certainly, if you please; but, remember, you
guished a statesman as Mr. Beckendorff. In step- brought me here as your friend and counsellor. As
ping forward, as I have felt it my duty to do, as I have accepted the trust, I cannot help being senthe advocate of popular rights and national privi- sible of the responsibility. Before, therefore, you
leges, I am desirous to prove that I have not be- finally resolve upon departure, pray let me be fully
come the votary of innovation and the professor of acquainted with the circumstance which has imrevolutionary doctrines. The passages of the Ro- pelled you to this sudden resolution."
man author in question, and an ancient charter of   "Willingly, my good friend, could I only comthe Emperor Charlemagne, are, I consider, decisive mand my temper; and yet to fall into a passion
and sufficient precedents for the measures which I with a madman is almost a mark of madness; but
have thought proper to sanction by my approval, his manner and his conduct are so provoking and
and to support by my influence. A Minister, Mr. so puzzling, that I cannot altogether repress my
Beckendorff, must take care that in the great race irritability. And that ridiculous incognito! why I
of politics, the minds of his countrymen do not sometimes begin to think that I really am Mr. Von
leave his own behind them. We must never forget Philipson! An incognito, forsooth! for what? to




A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.                          1031
deceive whom?  His household, apparently, only   "Your Highness must not go," said Vivian, shakconsists of two persons, one of whom has visited me ing his head.
in my own castle; and the other is a cross old hag,   "Not gpo! why so, my good fellow?"
who would not be able to comprehend my rank if   "Depend upon it, you are wrong about Beckenshe were aware of it. But to the point! When  dorff. That he is a humorist, there is no doubt;
you left the room, I was determined to be trifled but it appears to me to be equally clear, that his
with no longer, and I asked him in a firm voice, and  queer habits and singular mode of life are not of
very marked manner, whether I might command  late adoption. What he is now, he must have been
his immediate attention to very important business. these ten, perhaps these twenty years, perhaps
He professed to be at my service.  I opened  more. Of this there are a thousand proofs about
the affair by taking a cursory, yet definite, re- us. As to the overpowering cause which has made
view of the principles in which my political conduct him the character he appears at present, it is needhad originated, and on which it was founded. I less for us to inquire. Probably some incident in
flattered myself that I had produced an impression. his private life, in all likelihood connected with the
Sometimes, my dear Grey, we are in a better cue mysterious picture. Let us be satisfied with the
for these expositions than at others, and to-day I effect. If the case be as I state it, in his private life
was really unusually felicitous. My memory never and habits Beckendorff must have been equally indeserted me. I was, at the same time, luminous comprehensible and equally singular at the very time
and profound; and while I was guided by the phi- that, in his public capacity, he was producing such
losophical spirit of the present day, I showed, by my  brilliant results, as at the present moment. Now
various reading, that I respected the experience of then, can we believe himn to be insane? I anticipate
antiquity. In short, I was perfectly satisfied with  your objections. I know you will enlarge upon the
myself; and with the exception of one single point evident absurdity of his inviting his political opponent
about the origin of slavery, which unfortunately got to his house, for a grave consultation on the most
entangled with the feudal system, I could not have important affairs, and then treating him as he has
got on better had Sievers himself been at my side. done you; when it must be clear to him that you
Nor did I spare Mr. Beckendorff; but on the con- cannot be again duped, and when he must feel that
trary, my good fellow, I said a few things which, were he to amuse you for as many weeks as he has
had he been in his senses, must, I imagine, have days, your plans and your position would not be ingone home to his feelings. Do you know I finished juriously affected.,: Be it so.-Probably a humorist
by drawing his own character, and showing the in- like Beckendorff cannot, even in the most critical
evitable effects of his ruinous policy; and what do moment, altogether restrain the bent of his capriyou think he did?"                           cious inclinations. However, my dear Prince, I
"Left you in a passion?"                   will lay no stress upon this point. My opinion,
"Not at all. He seemed very much struck by  indeed my conviction, is that Beckendorff acts
what I had said, and apparently understood it. I from design. I have considered his conduct well;
have heard that in some species of insanity the pa- and I have observed all that you have seen, and
tient is perfectly able to comprehend every thing  more than you have seen, and keenly.  Depend
addressed to him, though at that point his sanity  upon it, that since you assented to the interview,
ceases, and he is unable to answer or to act. This Beckendorff has been obliged to shift his intended
must be Beckendorff's case; for ro sooner had I position for negotiation. Some of the machinery
finished, than he rose up immediately, and saying  has gone wrong.  Fearful, if he had postponed
that I spoke like a man of sense, he abruptly quitted  your visit, you should imagine that he was only
the room. The housekeeper says he will not be at again amusing you, and consequently listen to no
home again till that infernal ceremony takes place, future ovettures, he has allowed you to attend a
called the noon-meal. Now do not you advise me conference for which he is not prepared. That he
to be off as soon as possible?"              is making desperate exertions to bring the business
" It will require some deliberation. Pray did you to a point, is my firm opinion; and you would pernot speak to him last night?"                haps agree with me, were you as convinced as I am,
" Ah! I forgot that I had not been able to speak  that since we.parted last night our host has been to
to you since then. Well! last night, what do you Reisenberg and back again.
think he did?  When you were gone, he had the    "To Reisenberg, and back again!"
insolence to congratulate me on the opportunity   "Ay! I rose this morning at an early hour, and
then afforded of playing double dumbmy; and when imagining that both you and Beckendorff had not
I declined his proposition, but said that if he wished yet made your appearance, I escaped from the
to have an hour's conversation I was at his service, grounds, intending to explore part of the surroundhe very coolly told me that he never talked,"and  ing country. In my stroll I came to a narrow windbade me good night! Did you ever know such a ing road, which I am convinced lies in the direcmadman?  He never goes to bed. I only had a tion towards Reisenberg; there, for some reason or
sofa. How the deuce did you sleep?"          other, I loitered more than an hour, and very pro,
"Well, and safely, considering that I was in a bably should have been too late for breakfast, had
summer-house without lock or bolt."           I not been recalled to myself by the approach of a
"Well! I need not ask you now as to your 6pin- horseman. It was Beckendorff, covered with dust
ion of our immediately getting off. We shall have, and mud. His horse had been evidently hard rid.
however, some trouble about our horses, for he will den. I did not think much of it at the time, benot allow a quadruped near the house, except some cause I supposed he might have been out for three
monster of an animal that he rides himself; and by or four hours, and hard-worked, but I nevertheless
St. Hubert! I cannot find out where our steeds was struck by his appearance; and when you menare. What shall we do?" But Vivian did not an- tioned that he went out riding at a late hour last
swer. " Grey," continued his Highness, " what are night, it immediately occurred to me, that had he
you thinking of?  Why don't you answer?"      come home at one or two o'clock, it was not very




1032                    A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.
probable that he would have gone out again at four prised when Mr. Beckendorff asked him the magnior five. I have no doubt that my conjecture is cor- tude of Mirac in Bootes; and the Prince confessing
rect-Beckendorff has been at Reisenberg."       his utter ignorance of the subject, the Minister
"You have placed this business in a new and  threw aside his unfinished Planisphere, and drew
important light," said the Prince, his expiring hopes his chair to them  at the table. It was with great
reviving; " what, then, do you advise me to do?"  pleasure that his Highness perceived a bottle of his
" To be quiet. If your own view of the case be favorite Tokay; and with no little astonishment he
right, you can act as well to-morrow or the next observed, that to-day, there were three wine-glasses
day as this moment; on the contrary, if mine be placed before them. They were of peculiar beauty,
the correct one, a moment may enable Beckendorff  and almost worthy, for their elegant shapes and
himself to bring affairs to a crisis. In either case, I great antiquity, of being included in the collection
should recommend you to be silent, and in no man- of the Duke of Schloss-Johannisberger.
ner to allude any more to the object of your visit.   " Your praise of my cellar, sir," said Mr. BeckIf you speak, you only give opportunities to Beck- endorff, very graciously, " has made me turn wineendorff of ascertaining your opinions and your in- drinker."  So saying, the Minister took up one of
clinations; and your silence, after such frequent the rare glasses and held it to the light. His keen,
attempts on your side to promote discussion upon glancing eye, detected an almost invisible cloud on
business, will soon be discovered by him to be sys- the side of the delicate glass, and jerking it across
tematic. This will not decrease his opinion of your him, he flung it into the farthest corner of the
sagacity and firmness. The first principle of nego- room-it was shivered into a thousand pieces. He
tiation is to make your adversary respect you."    took up the second glass, examined it very narrowAfter long consultation, the Prince determined  ly, and then sent it, with equal force, after its comto follow Vivian's advice; and so firmly did he ad- panion. The third one shared the same fate. He
here to his purpose, that when he mlet Mr. Becken- rose and rang the bell.
dorff at the noon meal, he asked him, with a very    "Clara!" said Mr. Beckendorff, in his usual tone
embarrassed voice and manner, " what sport he had  of voice, " some clean glasses, and sweep away that
had in the morning?"                           litter in the corner."
The noon meal again consisted of a single dish,   "He is mad, then!" thought the Prince of Little
as exquisitely dressed, however, as the preceding  Lilliput, and he shot a glance at his companion,
one. It was a splendid haunch of venison.        which Vivian could not misunderstand.
"This is my dinner, gentlemen," said Becken-   After exhausting their bottle, in which they were
dorff; "let it be your luncheon; I have ordered  assisted to the extent of one glass by their host,
your dinner at sunset."                         who drank Mr. Von Philipson's health with corAfter having eaten a slice of the haunch, Mr. diality, they assented to Mr. Beckendorff's proposiBeckendorff rose from table, and said, "We will tion of visiting his fruitery.
have our wine in the drawing-room, Mr. Von Philip-   To the Prince's great relief, dinner time soon arson, and then you will not be disturbed with my  rived; and having employed a couple of hours on
birds."                                         that meal very satisfactorily, he and Vivian adHe left the room.                             journed to the drawing-room, having previously
To the drawing-room, therefore, his two guests pledged their honor to each other, that nothing
soon adjourned. They found him busily employed  should again induce them again to play dumbmy
with his pencil. The Prince thought it must be a whist. Their resolutions and their promises were
chart or a fortification at least, and was rather sur- needless. Mr. Beckendorff, who was sitting oppo



A VISIT TO A CELEBRATED DIPLOMATIST.                             1033
site the fire when they came into the room, neither dorff; "they only tend to enervate our mental
by word nor motion acknowledged that he was energies, and paralyze all human exertion. It is
aware of their entrance. Vivian found refuge in a the belief in these, and a thousand other deceits I
book; and the Prince, after having examined and  could mention, which teach man that he is not the
re-examined the brilliant birds that figured on the  master of his own mind, but the ordained victim,
drawing-room  paper, fell asleep upon the sofa. or the chance sport of circumstances; that makes
Mr. Beckendorff took down the guitar, and accom- millions pass through life unimpressive as shadows;
panied himself in a low voice for some time; then  and has gained for this existence the stigma of a
he suddenly ceased, and stretching out his legs, and  vanity which it does not deserve."
supporting his thumbs in the arm-holes of his waist-   "I wish that I could think as you do," said Vicoat, he leaned back in his chair, and remained per- vian; " but the experience of my life forbids me.
fectly motionless, with his eyes fixed upon the pic- Within only these last two years, my career has, in
ture.  Vivian, in turn gazed upon this singular so many instances, indicated that I am not the masbeing, and the fair pictured form which he seemed  ter of my own conduct, that, no longer able to reto idolize. Was he, too, unhappy? Had he, too, sist the conviction which is hourly impressed on me,
been bereft in the hour of his proud and perfect I recognize in every contingency the preordination
joy?  Had he, too, lost a virgin bride?-His agony  of my fate."
overcame him, the book fell from his hand, and he    " A delusion of the brain!" said Beckendorff,
groaned aloud! Mr. Beckendorff started, and the  very quickly. "Fate, Destiny, Chance, particular
Prince awoke. Vivian, confounded, and unable to  and special Providence-idle words! Dismiss them
overpower his emotions, uttered some hasty words, all, sir! A man's Fate is his own temper; and acexplanatory, apologetical, and contradictory, and  cording to that will be his opinion as to the partiretired. In his walk to the summer-house, a man  cular manner in which the course of events is repassed him. In spite of a great cloak, Vivian re- gulated. A consistent man believes in Destiny-a
cognized him as their messenger and guide; and  capricious man in Chance."
his ample mantle did not conceal his riding-boots,    "But, sir, what is a man's temper? It may be
and the spurs which glistened in the moonlight.    changed every hour. I started in life with very
It was an hour past midnight when the door of different feelings to those which I profess atthis
the summer-house softly opened, and Mr. Becken- moment. With great deference to you, I imagine
dorff entered. He started when he found Vivian  that you mistake the effect for the cause; for surely
still undressed, and pacing up and down the little  temper is not the origin, but the result of those circhamber. The young man made an effort, when he  cumstances of which we are all the creatures."
witnessed an intruder, to compose a countenance    "Sir, I deny it. Man is not the creature of cirwhose agitation could not be concealed.         cumstances.  Circumstances are the creatures of
" What, are you up again?" said Mr. Beckendorff. men. We are free agents, and man is more pow"Are you ill?"                                  erful than matter. I recognize no intervening in"Would I were as well in mind as in body! I fluence between that of the established course of
have not yet been to rest. We cannot command  Nature and my own mind. Truth may be distorted
our feelings at all moments, sir; and at this, espe- -may be stifled —be suppressed. The invention of
cially, I felt that I had a right to consider myself cunning deceits may, and in some instances does,
alone."                                         prevent man from exercising his own powers. They
" I most exceedingly regret that I have disturbed  have made him responsible to a realm of shadows,
you," said Mr. Beckendorff, in a very kind voice, and a suitor in a court bf shades. He is ever dreading
and in a manner which responded to the sympathy  authority which does not exist, and fearing the occurof his tone. " I thought that you had been long  rence of penalties which there are none to enforce.
asleep. There is a star which I cannot exactly  But the mind that dares to extricate itself from
make out. I fancy it must be a comet, and so I these vulgar prejudices, that proves its loyalty to
ran to the observatory; but let me not disturb  its Creator by devoting all its adoration to His
you," and Mr. Beckendorff was retiring.         glory-such a spirit as this becomes a master-mind,
"You do not disturb me, sir. I cannot sleep;-  and that master-mind will invariably find that cirpray ascend."                                   cumstances are its slaves."
" Oh, no! never mind the star. But if you really    "Mr. Beckendorff, yours is a very bold philosohave no inclination to sleep, let us sit down, and  phy, of which I, myself, was once a votary. How
have a little conversation; or perhaps we had bet- successful in my service, you may judge by finding
ter take a stroll. It is a very warm night."  As he  me a wanderer."
spoke, Mr. Beckendorff gently put his arm within    "Sir! your present age is the age of error;
Vivian's and led him down the steps.            your whole system is founded on a fallacy; you be" Are you an astronomer, sir?" asked Becken- lieve that man's temper can change. I deny it. If
dorff.                                          you have ever seriously entertained the views which
"I can tell the Great Bear from the Little Dog; I profess; if, as you lead me to suppose, yOu have
but I confess that I look upon the stars rather in a  dared to act upon them, and failed; sooner or later,
poetical than a scientific spirit."             whatever may be your present conviction and your
"Hum! I confess I do not."                    present feelings, you will recur to your original
"There are moments," continued Vivian, "when  wishes and your original pursuits. With a mind
I cannot refrain from believing that these mysteri- experienced and matured, you may in all probaous luminaries have more influence over our for- bility be successful; and then I suppose, stretching
tunes than modern times are disposed to believe. your legs in your easy chair you will at the same
I feel that I am getting less sceptical, perhaps I moment be convinced of your own genius, and reshould say more credulous, every day; but sorrow  cognize your own Destiny!"
makes us superstitious."                          "With regard to myself, Mr. Beckendorff, I am
" I discard all such fantasies," said Mr. Becken- convinced of the erroneousness of your views. It




1034                                  ABERNETHYANA.
is my opinion, that no one who has dared to think, exalted notions of your own powers, you immediatecan look upon this world in any other than a ly sink under it. If your belief of your powers were
mournful spirit. Young as I am, nearly two years sincere, you should have proved it by the manner
have elapsed since, disgusted with the world of in which you struggled against adversity, not merepolitics, I retired to a foreign solitude. At length, ly by the mode in which you labored for advancewith passions subdued, and, as I flatter myself, with  ment. The latter is but a very inferior merit. If
a mind matured, convinced of the vanity of all in fact you wish to succeed, success, I repeat, is at
human affairs, I felt emboldened once more partially  your command. You talk to me of your expeto mingle with my species. Bitter as my lot had  rience; and do you think that my sentiments are
been, as a philosopher, I had discovered the origin  the crude opinions of an unpractised man? Sir! I
of my misery in my own unbridled passions; and, am not fond of conversing with any person; and
tranquil and subdued, I now trusted to pass through  therefore, far from being inclined to maintain an
life as certain of no fresh sorrows, as I was of no  argument in a spirit of insincerity, merely for the
fresh joys. And yet, sir, I am at this moment sink- sake of a victory of words. Mark what I say; it is
ing under the infliction of unparalleled misery —  truth. No minister ever yet fell, but from his own
misery which I feel I have a right to believe was inefficiency. If his downfall be occasioned, as it
undeserved. But why expatiate to a stranger on  generally is, by the intrigues of one of his own
sorrow which must be secret? I deliver myself up  creatures, his downfall is merited for having been
to my remorseless Fate."                       the dupe of a tool, which, in all probability he
"What is Grief?" said Mr. Beckendorff;-"ifit be  should never have employed. If he fall through
exhibited by the fear of some contingency, instead the open attacks of his political opponents, his
of grieving, a man should exert his energies, and  downfall is equally deserved, for having occasioned
prevent its occurrence. If, on the contrary, it be by his impolicy, the formation of a party; for havcaused by an event, that which has been occasioned ing allowed it to be formed; or for not having
by any thing human, by the co-operation of human  crushed it when formed. No conjecture can possicircumstances, can be, and invariably is, removed  bly occur, however fearful, however tremendous it
by the same means.  Grief is the agony of an  may appear, from which a man, by his own energy,
instant; the indulgence of Grief, the blunder of a may not extricate himself-as a mariner by the ratlife. Mix in the world, and in a month's time you  tling of his cannon can dissipate the impending
will speak to me very differently. A young man, water-spout!"
you meet with disappointment,-in spite of all your
ABERNETHYANA.
FROM VARIOUS SOURCES.
ABERNETHY'S mind disqualified him from adopting  Third day.-Again showing the arm.  Patient:
that affected interest which distinguishes many of  " Well."  A.: "Any fool can tell that. What do
the well-bred physicians, and he heartily despised  you come again for?  Get away."
their little arts to acquire popularity. He seemed    A very talkative lady, who had wearied the temto feel as if he mentally expressed himself thus:-  per of Mr. Abernethy, which was at all times im"Here I am, ready to give my advice if you want patient of gabble, was told by him, the first time
it; but you must take it as you find it, and if you that he could get a chance of speaking, to be good
don't like it, egad (his favorite word), you may go  enough to put out her tongue.  "Now, pray,
about your business-I don't want any thing to do madam," said he, playfully, "keep it out."  He
with you; hold your tongue and be off."  In some rarely met with his match except upon one occasuch mood as this, he received a visit from a lady  sion, when he was sent for by an inn-keeper, who
one day, who was well acquainted with his invinci- had had a quarrel with his wife, and who had scored
ble repugnance to her sex's predominant disposi- his face with her nails, so that the poor man was
tion, and who therefore forbore speaking but sim- bleeding and much disfigured.  Mr. Abernethy
ply in reply to his laconic queries. The consulta- considered this an opportunity not to be lost for
tion was conducted during three visits in the fol- admonishing the offender, and said, " Madam, are
lowing manner:-First day.-Lady enters and you not ashamed of yourself to treat your husholds out her finger. Abernethy: "Cut?" Lady: band thus, who is the head of you all-your head,
"Bite."  A.: "Dog?"  L.: "Parrot."  A.: "Go  madam?"  "Well, Doctor," fiercely retorted the
home and poultice it."  Second day. —Finger held  virago, "and may I not scratch my own head?"
out again.  A.: "Better?"  L.: "Worse."  A.:   A patient consulted Mr. Abernethy for a pain in
" Go home and poultice it again."  Third day.- the arm, and holding it up in the air, said, "It al.
Finger held out as before. A.: "Better?"  L.: ways gives me pain when I hold it up so."  A.:
" Well."  A.: "You're the most sensible woman  "Then why the devil do you hold it up so?"
I ever met with. Good-by. Get out."               In all cases of obesity and repletion, Mr. AberAnother lady, having scalded her arm, called at nethy was especially impatient, and indisposed to
the usual hour to show it three successive days, prescribe. A portly gentleman from the country
when similar laconic conversations took place. once called on him for advice, and received the folFirst day.-Patient, exposing the arm, says-  lowing answer:-" You nasty beast, you go and
"Burnt."  A.: "I see it," and having prescribed  fill your g-, and then you come to me to empty
a lotion, she departs. Second day.-Patient shows them."
the arm, and says —" Better."  A.: " I know it."   A young lady was brought one morning by her




CHARLES MATHEWS7 THE ELDER.                               1035
mamma, complaining of difficulty of breathing  missing the expected sovereign, observed that there
when taking exercise, and after her meals. Per- must be some mistake. "No, no," said the lawyer,
ceiving her to be very tightly laced round the  advancing to the door, "that will do-that will do;
waist, Mr. Abernethy seized a pair of scissors, and, shut it up-shut it up."
without saying a word, ripped up the stays from
top to bottom, and then desired her to walk about   THE SUBLIME AND THE RIDICULOUS.-" NOW,"
for ten minutes. The injunction being complied  (said Mr. Abernethy, in a lecture upon the muscles
with accordingly, he demanded how she felt. of the scalp,) " I will tell you a perfectly ridiculous
"Better," was the reply. The mandate was re- story about this, with a view to impress this part of
peated, and the walk being finished, he asked, the subject on your minds. It happened in the
"How now?"  "Quite well," was the answer. early part of my time, to become quite the fashion
Abernethy: "That will do. Take her away, and to put half a pound of grease, and another halfdon't let her wear tight stays."  In such a case a pound of flour, on a man's head-what they called
common physician would probably prescribe to  hair-dressing; it was the fashion, too, to bind this
oblige the apothecary, and to please the patient. round with a piece of tape or riband, and make a
The eccentric professor went directly to the cause tail of it, and it was the mode to wear those tails
at once, and removed it, without caring who was very thick and rather short. Now, a gentleman
pleased or whb not so, having no sinister object in  who possessed great power in the motion of his
view.' Another young lady was one summer morn- frons occipitalis, used to go to the boxes of the
ing brought to him by her mother, in consequence  theatre when Mrs. Siddons first appeared, and I don't
of the former having swallowedna spider.  Mr. believe there ever will be such an actress again as
Abernethy dexterously caught a blue-bottle fly as she was, nor do I believe there ever was her equal
it flew by him, and told the patient to put it into  before her. However, when people were affected
her mouth, and if she spit it out in a few minutes, beyond all description, and when they were all
the spider would come out with it.             drowned in tears at her performance, this chap
A lawyer having called to show the state of his wagged his tail enormously, and all the people burst
leg, proceeded to remove the bandages, which Mr. out into a roar of laughter. In vain did they cry,
Abernethy endeavored to prevent, every now and' Turn him out!" in vain did they cry,' Throw him
then repeating, " No, no, that will do; shut it up-  over!' When he had produced this effect upon the
shut it up."  Accordingly, the lawyer yielded at audience, then he kept his tail quiet; but again, no
length, but determined on revenge. Mr. Aberne- sooner was their attention engaged, than wag went
thy having simply prescribed for the stomach, with- his tail, and again were the bursts of laughter reout regard to the leg, the patient tendered a shil- echoed."
ling, and prepared to depart, when the former,
CHARLES MATHEWS, THE ELDER.
THE SILVER SPooN.-Amongst Mathews's pranks brought a bottle of choice brandy into the green
of younger days, that is to say, when he first came room, with his name and direction written on the
from York to the Haymarket theatre, he was in. back of the seven of clubs, attached to the neck of
vited, with F-. and some other performers, to the bottle. Mathews, observing the bottle on the
dine with Mr. A-, now an eminent silversmith, table, said, "Are you not afraid of losing that
but who, at that period, followed the business of a brandy?"  "How so?"  " Why, some one might
pawnbroker. It so happened that A-  was called come into the room with the eight of clubs, and
out of the parlor, at the back of the shop, during take it."
dinner. Mathews, with wonderful celerity, altering
his hair, countenance, hat, etc., took a large gravy-   LOTS OF BERRIES.-Our comedian was served by
spoon off the dinner-table, ran instantly into the a green-grocer, named Berry, and generally settled
street, entered one of the little dark doors leading his bill once a quarter. At one time the account
to the pawnbroker's counter, and actually pledged was sent in before it was due, and Mathews, laborto the unconscious A-  ~his own gravy-spoon. ing under an idea that his credit was doubted, said,
Mathews contrived with equal rapidity to return  "Here's a pretty mull, Berry. You have sent in
and seathimself, (having left the street door open,) your bill, Berry, before it is due, Berry.  Your
before A —- re-appeared at the dinner-table. As father, the elder Berry, would not have been such a
a matter of course, the spoon was made the subject goose, Berry; but you need not look so black, Berry,
of a wager. An eclaircissement took place before for I don't care a straw, Berry, and shan't pay you
the party broke up, to the infinite astonishment of till Christmas, Berry."
A-.
THE BUILDER OF HIS OWN FORTUNE.-Charles
THE FIRST DEAD-HEAD.-" Who was the first man Mathews, Jr., was brought up as an architect.
recorded in history who didn't pay?" said Mathews, The father was once asked by a friend, what proas he was handing a theatrical order to a friend. fession the young man was to be. "Why," said
" Why, really, I never gave it a thought," replied the comedian, "he is to draw houses, as his father
the friend. "Why, Joseph, of course," said Ma- does."
thews; "did not his brothers put him in the pit
for nothing?"                                    QUEER CoMoRT. —Mathews used to tell, with
great zest, a remark made to him by a Warwick
OUTPrPPED.-Melvin, the comedian, was a bon- goaler, while exhibiting the specialities of the prisvivant, and fond of a game at whist. One day, he on. When he came to "the place of execution,"




1036                         CHARLES MATHEWS, THE ELDER.
Mathews remarked that, considering the extent of priate apparatus as could best be procured. A prithe country, and the number of executions which  vate sailing-barge was moored at the stairs by the
might take place, the drop struck him as being very  Fountain early the next morning, to convey the
small? " I don't know," said the man, " to be sure, ambassador and his attendants to the Prince Regent,
six'ould be crowded, but foive'ould hang very  at the Nore. The people again assembled in vast
comfortable!"                                  multitudes to witness the embarkation. Carpets
were placed on the stairs at the water's edge, for
A SPANISH AMBASSADOR..-Mathews once perso- the state and comfort of his Excellency, who, the
nated a Spanish Ambassador; a frolic enacted by  instant he entered the barge, turned around and
him at an inn at Dartford. An account of the  bade a grateful farewell to the multitude, at the
freak was written by the late Mr. Hill, who took  same time placing his hand upon his bosom, and
part in the joke, acting as Mathews's interpreter. taking off his huge cocked hat. The captain of the
He called it his "Recollections of his Excellency, barge, a supremely illiterate, good-humored cockthe Spanish Ambassador's visit to Captain Selby, on  ney, was introduced most ceremoniously to the
board the Prince Regent, one of his Majesty's frig- ambassador, and purposely placed on his right
ates stationed at the Nore, by the Interpreter."  hand. It is impossible to describe the variety of abThe party hired a private coach, of large capa- surd and extravagant stratagems practised on the
city, and extremely showy, to convey them  to  credulity of the captain by Mathews, and with conGravesend, as the suite of Mathews, who personated  summate success, until the barge arrived in sight of
an ambassador from Madrid to the English Gov- the King's frigate, which, by a previous underernment; and four smart lads, who were intrusted  standing, recognized the ambassador by signals.
with the secret by the payment of a liberal fee. The officers were all dressed in full uniform, and
The drivers proved faithful to their promise. prepared to receive him. When on board, the
When they arrived at the posting-house at Dart- whole party threw off their disguises, and were enford, one of the drivers dismounted, and communi- tertained by Captain Selby with a splendid dinner,
cated to the inn-keeper the character of the noble- to which the lieutenants of the ship were invited.
man (Mr. Mathews) inside the coach, and that his After the banquet, Mathews, in his own character,
mission to London had been attended with the hap- kept the company in a high state of merriment by
piest result. The report spread through Dartford  his incomparable mimic powers for more than ten
like wildfire, and in about ten minutes the carriage  hours, incorporating with admirable effect the en(having by previous arrangement been detained) tire narrative of the journey to Gravesend, and his
was'surrounded by at least two hundred people, all "acts and deeds" at the Falcon. Towards the
with cheers and gratulations, anxious to gain a view  close of the feast, and about half an hour before
of the important personage, who, decked out with  the party took their departure, in order to give the
nearly twenty different stage jewels, representing  commander and his officers a " touch of his qualisham orders, bowed with obsequious dignity to the  tv," Mathews assumed his ambassadorial attire, and
assembled multitude. It was settled that the party  the captain of the barge, still in ignorance of the
should dine and sleep at the Falcon Tavern, Graves- joke, was introduced into the cabin, between whom
end, where a sumptuous dinner was provided for and his Excellency an indescribable scene of rich
his excellency and suite. Previously, however, to  burlesque was enacted. The party left the ship for
dinner-time, and to heighten the joke, they prome-  Gravesend at four o'clock in the morning-Manaded the town and its environs, followed by a large  thews, in his " habit as he lived," with the addition
assemblage of men, women, and children, at a re- of a pair of spectacles, which he had a peculiar
spectful distance, all of whom preserved the great- way of wearing to conceal his identity, even from
est decorum. The interpreter (Mr. Hill) seemed to  the most acute observer. Mathews again resumed
communicate and explain to the ambassador what- his station by the side of the captain, as a person
ever was of interest in their perambulation. On  who had left the frigate for a temporary purpose.
their return to the inn, the crowd gradually dis- The simple captain recounted to Mathews all that
persed. The dinner was served in a sumptuous the Spanish ambassador had enacted, both in his
style, and two or three additional waiters, dressed  transit from Gravesend to the Nore, and whilst he
in their holiday clothes, were hired for the occa- (the captain) was permitted to join the festive board
sion.                                           in the cabin, with singular fidelity, and to the great
The ambassador, by medium of his interpreter, amusement of the original party, who, during the
asked for two soups, and a portion of four different whole of this ambassadorial excursion, never lost
dishes of fish, with oil, vinegar, mustard, pepper, their gravity, except when they were left to themsalt, and sugar, in the same plate, which, apparently  selves.  They landed at Gravesend, and from
to the eyes of the waiters, and to their utter as- thence departed to London, luxuriating upon the
tonishment and surprise, he eagerly devoured. The hoax.
waiters had been cautioned by one of the suite not
to notice the manner in which his Excellency ate his   JOHN P. KEMBLE AND HIS CAT. — Mr. Mathews
dinner, lest it should offendhim; and their occasion- and Mr. Kemble had been dining together at Mr.
al absence from the room gave Mathews or his com- Charles Kemble's house.  Mr. John Kemble had
panion an opportunity of depositing the incongruous taken much wine, and when the party broke up,
medley in the ashes under the grate —a large fire Mr. Mathews determined to accompany the trahaving been provided. The ambassador continued  gedian to his own door.  Giving him  his arm,
to mingle the remaining viands, during dinner, in a therefore, they proceeded slowly to Mr. Kemble's
similar heterogeneous way. The chamber in which  house in Great Russell street, Bloomsbury. The
his Excellency slept was brilliantly illuminated with  tragedian was full of talk, and' very happy,' as it is
wax candles, and in one corner of the room a table  called; and although the hour was late, his pressing
was fitted up,'under the direction of one of the  invitation to his friend to enter the house with him
party, to represent an oratory, with such appro- induced the comedian to obey. It was evident that




CHARLES MATHEWS, THE ELDER.                                 1037
the man who opened the door was the only person  with philosophic patience, asked:' Well, Mus, what
who was up in the establishment. Mr. Kemble  would you have?' Then, after another pause, turnwent into his library, accompanied by Mr. Mathews, ing to his guest, said:'Now, my dear Mathews,
and desired the attendant to bring a tray, at the  you are fond of animals, and ought to knOw this
same time with great formality introducing him to  one; he's a perfect character for you to study.
the notice of his guest as the'gentleman who did  Now, sir, that cat knows that I shall be ill to-morhim the honor to take care of his wine,' etc. It was row, and he's uneasy at my sitting up.' Then, bein vain that Mr. Mathews protested against further nevolently looking at the cat, he added:'Umph!
hospitality. Mr. Kemble was too much excited to  my dear Mus, I must beg your indulgence, my good
have his spirits easily laid: and, surrounded as he  friend; I really cannot go to bed yet.' Mus whined
was with books, he began a disquisition upon their his reply, and his master declared that the cat asked
authors, above all, his'beloved Shakspere,' on  to be allowed to go away.
whom he discoursed most eloquently, after taking a    On the door being a second time opened, after
volume from the shelf, and devoutly kissing the  similar exertion on Mr. Kemble's part to effect this
binding. At length, the tray was brought in with  courtesy, and several grave chirpings in order to
wine, wine and water, etc., and with it entered an  entice Mus from the fire-place, the animal at length
enormous cat, decorated with a red collar and a left the room. Mr. Kemble then returned, as bebell.                                           fore, to his seat, drank another glass of wine and
The appearance of his favorite cat called forth  water, and just as he was comfortably established,
its master's most affectionate notice, and many re- the incorrigible Mus was heard in the passage again,
lations of its extraordinary power of understanding, in loud lament and importunate demand for re-adits devoted attachment to its master's person, etc., mittance.'Umph!' said Mr. Kemble, with another
were detailed to Mr. Mathews.  Mustapha, Mr. pinch of snuff,'now that animal is not happy, after?Kemble declared, had much of human feeling of the  all, sir, away from me.' (Mus was louder than ever
best kind in his composition; he described how he  at this moment.)'Why, what ails the creature?
watched his return home, mourned his absence, etc., Surely there is more in this than we dream of, Maand grew maudlin in his praise. The animal seemed  thews. You, who have studied such beings, ought
happy in its master's presence, and looked up in his to be able to explain.' Poor Mus made another
face, as it composedly lay down before him. Mr. pathetic appeal for re-admission, and his master's
Mathews mewed; Mr. Kemble, turning round at heart was not made of flint. Mr. Kemble apolothis sound, which he believed to proceed from the  gized to his guest for these repeated interruptions,
cat, observed,'There, my dear Mathews, do you  and managed once more to make his way to the
hear that? Now that creature knows all I say of  door. After opening it, and waiting a minute for
him, and is replying to it.' This amused the come- the re-entrance of his favorite, but not seeing it, he
dian, and he repeated the experiment in all the va- smiled at the comedian with the same indulgent
rieties of feline intonation, mewing, purring, etc. expression as before, and remarked:-' Now, would
Mr. Kemble at last said to him, in his slow and  you believe it, Mathews, that extraordinary animal
measured tones,'Now, you don't know what he  was affronted at not being let in again on his first
means by that, but I do. Mus! Mus! (on every re- appeal! and now it is his humor not to come at all!
iteration of this affectionate diminutive raising his  Mtus! Mustapha/! Mus!' But as no Mus appeared,
voice to its most tragic expression of tenderness)-  the door was closed with the same deliberation, and':mph!  My dear sir, that creature knows that it is Mr. Kemble once more contrived to regain his
beyond my usual time of sitting up, and he's uneasy! chair, and recommenced, quite unobservant of the
Mus! Mus!'-but Mus was sleepy and inattentive, almost hysterical fit of laughter to which the comeand his master resumed his criticisms upon the dif: dian was by this time reduced, at the imposition
ferent readings of Shakspere; talked also of Lope he had so successfully, though in the first place so
de Vega, and was again interrupted by a mew, as unintentionally, practised upon the credulity of his
he believed, from the dissatisfied Mus.'What,' grave and unsuspecting friend. But it did not end
asked his fond master, looking down upon him, here; for Mr. Mathews reiterated his imitations,'what is it you desire, my good friend!' (Mus, and Mr. Kemble again remarked upon his favorite's
alias Mathews, mewed once more, in a more suppli- peculiarities of temper, etc., again went to the door
eating and more touching tone.)'Well, well! I -again returned, till even'Mr. Midnight' (as some
understand you; you want to go to bed. Well, I intimate friends christened Mr. Mathews, from his
suppose I must indulge you.'                    love of late hours) felt it time to retire, and leave
Here Mr. Kemble deliberately arose, put down  Mr. Kemble, which he did as he saw him fall asleep,
his book upon the table, with its face open at the in the act of representing his idea of the sick king
page to which he referred, took a measured pinch  in' Henry IV.,' with his pocket handkerchief spread
of snuff, and tottered to the door, which he with  over his head as a substitute for the characteristic
difficulty opened.  He then awaited Mustapha's drapery of the dying monarch.
exit; but Mustapha, having no voice in the affair,
preferred remaining where he was; and his master   His LAST JOKE.-Mathews's attendant, in his last
kindly reproached him with being a' little capricious illness, intended to give the patient some medicine,
in first asking to go, and then preferring to stay.' but, a few moments after, it was discovered that
With a smile and look at Mr. Mathews of the gentlest the medicine was nothing but ink, which had been
indulgence towards his favorite's humor, he tottered  taken from the phial by mistake, and his friend exback again to his chair, resumed his declamatory  claimed, " Good Heavens! Mathews, I have given
observations upon the relative powers of dramatic  you ink."  "Never-never mind, my boy-never
writers and their essential requisites, till the trou- mind," said Mathews, faintly-" I'll swallow a bit of
blesome Mustapha again renewed his mewing solici- blotting-paper."  This was the last joke Mathews
tations. Mr. Kemble once more stopped, and look- ever made.
ing again at the imaginary cause of his interruption,




1038                 THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS OF S. T. COLERIDGE.
THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS OF S. T. COLERIDGE.
JEws.-Coleridge relates: "I have had a good  gulation, and the great danger of his eyes, he gave
deal to do with Jews in the course of my life, al- up the useless task, pronouncing that the horse's
though I never borrowed any money of them. The  head must have grown since the collar was put on;
other day, I was what you may call floored by a' for,' he said,' it was a downright impossibility for
Jew. He passed me several times, crying for old  such a huge osfrontis to pass through so narrow an
clothes in the most nasal and extraordinary tone I aperture.' Just at this instant, a servant-girl came
ever heard. At last, I was so provoked, that I said  near, and understanding the cause of our consterto him:'Pray, why can't you say "old clothes" in  nation,'Ha! masters,' said she,'you don't go
a plain way, as I do now?' The Jew stopped, and, about the work in the right way. You should do
looking very gravely at me, said, in a clear and  like this,' when, turning the collar upside down, she
even fine accent,'Sir, I can say "' old clothes" as slipped it off in a moment, to our great humiliation
well as you can; but if you had to say so ten times and wonderment, each satisfied afresh that there
a minute, for an hour together, you would say ogh  were heights of knowledge in the world to which
do as I do now;' and so he marched off. I was so  we had not yet attained."
confounded with the justice of his retort, that I followed and gave him a shilling, the only one I had.        to  rs.  Siddons's Lady Randolph: after the
"Once, I sat in a coach opposite a Jew; a sym- play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to
play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to
bol of old clothes-bags; an Isaiah of Holywell- him, and patting him on the head, said, "You have
street. He would close the window; I. opened it. played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity, —but
He closed it again; upon which, in a very solemn  there's too little of you to do any thing." Coleridge
tone, I said to him:'Son of Abraham'! thou smell- there's too little of you to do any thing." Coleridge
said of this " little" actor:-" Kean is original; but
est; son of Isaac! thou art offensive; son of Jacob! he copies from himself. His rapid descents from
thou stinkest foully. See the man in the moon! he  he copes from  himself.  is rapid descents frou
is holding his nose at that distance: dost thou think  the  pr oductive  of great effect, are often ung
that I, sitting here, can endure it any longer?' My sometimes productive of great ect, re often unJew was astounded, opened the window forthwith  reasonable.  To see him act, is like reading Shak-.
Jew was astounded, opened the window forthwith,.    o
spere by flashes of lightning. I do not think him
himself, and said,'he was sorry he did not know.   
before I was so great a gentleman."'            thorough-bred gentleman enough to play Othello."
before I was so great a gentleman.' "
L D LIN-In Coleridge's time, the dis-   COLERIDGE "DONE UP.'-" It is not easy to put
cipline at Christ's Hospital was ultra-Spartan all me out of countenance, or interrupt the feeling of
cipline at Christ's Hospital was ultra-Spartan; all the time by mere external noise or circumstance;
doeti.ieeed.., B " C the time by mere external noise or circumstance;.domestic ties were to be put aside. v    i" Cole- yet once I was thoroughly done up, as you would
ridge remembered Bona saying to him once, when         I was reciting, at a particular house, the
he was crying, the first day after his return fromsay....',.......'Remorse;' and was in the midst of Alhadra's
the holidays, "Boy! the school is your father!  description of the death of her husband, when a
Boy! the school is your mother!  Boy! the school scrubby boy, with a shining face set in dirt, burst
is your brother! the school is your sister! the
open the door and  cried out —'Please,  ma'am,
school is your first cousin, and your second cousin  open the door and  cried out-' Please, ma'am,
anoo lIS your irest eousfn, and your second cousin, master says, Will you ha', or will you not ha', the
and all the rest of your relations! Let's have no
more crying."
EAR AND TASTE FOR MUSIC.-" An ear for music
THELWALL AND COLERIDGE were sitting once in a is  very different thing from a taste for music. I
beautiful recess in the Quantock hills, when the lat- have no ear whatever; I could not sing an air to
ter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine place to talk  save my life; but I have the intensest delight in
treason inl!"  "Nay, citizen Samuel," replied he; music and can detect good from  bad   Naldi a
"it is rather a place to make a man forget that'                               * c
"it isrrther a place to make a many forget that good fellow, remarked to me once at a concert, that
there is any necessity for treason!I did not seem much interested with a piece of RosSTAMMERING is sometimes the cause of a pun. sini's which had just been performed. I said it
Some one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the  sounded to me like nonsense verses.  But I could
cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in re- scarcely contain myself when a thing of Beethoven's
straining the Duchess in rushing up to the embrace  followed."
of her son, whom she had not seen for a considera-   SHAKSPERE. —It is Shakspere's peculiar excellence
ble time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. that, throughout the whole of his splendid picture" How  horribly cold it was," said the narrator-. tgallery, (the reader will excuse the confessed inade-" Yes," said Lamb, in his stuttering way, " but you  quacy of this metaphor,) we find individuality every
know he is -the Duke of Cu-cum-ber-land."       where, mere portrait nowhere. In all his various
THE POETS IN A PUZZLE.-Cottle, in his life of characters we still feel ourselves communing with
Coleridge, relates the following amusing incident:_  the same human nature, which is every where pres"I led my horse to the stable, where a sad perplex- ent, as the vegetable sap in the branches, sprays,
ity arose. I removed the harness without difficulty; leaves, buds, blossoms, and fruits,-their shapes,
but, after many strenuous attempts, I could not re- tastes, and odors.
move the collar. In despair I called for assistance,   CRITICISM.-As soon as a critic betrays that he
when Mr. Wordsworth brought his ingenuity into  knows more of his author than the author's publiexercise.; but, after several unsuccessful efforts, he  cations could have told him;-as soon as from this
relinquished the achievement as a thing altogether more intimate knowledge, elsewhere obtained, he
impracticable. Mr.. Coleridge now tried his hand, avails himself of the slightest trait against the aubut showed no more skill than his predecessor; for, thor, his censure immediately becomes personal inafter twisting the poor horse's neck almost to stran- jury-his sarcasms personal insults. He ceases to




THE REPROOF AND REPLY.                                  1039
be a CRITIC, and takes on him the most contemptible    MATERIALS OF POETRY.-Good sense is the body
character to which a rational creature can be de- of poetic genius, fancy its drapery, motion its life,
graded-that of a gossip, backbiter, and pasquilant: and imagination the soul that is every where, and
but with this heavy aggravation, that he steals with  in each; and forms all into one graceful and intellithe unquiet, the deforming passions of the world, gent whole.
into the museum; into the very place which, next   ILL-DESERVED COMMENDATION.-Praises of the unto the chapel and oratory, should be our sanctuary, worthy are felt by ardent minds as robberies of the
and secure place of refuge; offers abominations on  deserving.
the altar of the muses, and makes its sacred paling
the very circle in which he conjures up the lying  child of n   atur e-no automaton of genius-no mere
and profane spirit.                             child of nature —no automaton of genius —no passive vehicle of inspiration, possessed by the spirit,
MODERN SATIRISTS.-In this age of personality-  not possessing it,-first studied patiently, meditated
this age of literary and political gossiping, the  deeply, understood minutely, till knowledge became
meanest insects are worshipped with a sort of Egyp- habitual and intuitive, wedded itself to his habitual
tian superstition, if only the brainless head be feelings, and at length gave birth to that stupenatoned for by the sting of personal malignity in the  dous power, by which he stands alone, with no equal
tail. The most vapid satires have become the ob- or second in his own class-to that power which
jects of a keen public interest, purely from the  seated him on one of the two glory-smitten summits
number of contemporary characters named in the  of the poetic mountain, with Milton as his compeer,
patchwork notes, (which possess, however, the  not rival. While the former darts himself forth,
comparative merit of being more poetical than the  and passes into all the forms of human character
text,) and because, to increase the stimulus, the  and passion,-the one Proteus of the fire and the
author has sagaciously left his own name for whis- flood; the other attracts all forms and things to
pers and conjectures.                           himself, into the unity of his own ideal.
THE REPROOF AND REPLY:
Or, the Flower-thief's Apology for a Robbery committed in Mr. and Mrs. -'s Garden, on Sunday,Morning, 25th of May, 1833, between the Hours of Eleven and Twelve.
BY S. T. COLERIDGE.
"FIE, Mr. Coleridge! —and can this be you?      Or, haply, as thou stood beside the maid,
Break two commandments? and in church-time too? One loftier form in sable stole arrayed,
Have you not heard, or have you heard in vain,    If with regretful thought he hail'd in thee,
The birth-and-parentage-recording strain?      C- m, his long lost friend, Mol Pomoni?
Confessions shrill, that shrill-cried mack'rel drown-  But most of you, soft warblings, I complain!
Fresh from the drop-the youth not yet cut down-'Twas ye, that from the bee-hive of my brain
Letter to sweet-heart-the last dying speech —  Did lure the fancies forth, a freakish rout,
And didn't all this begin in Sabbath-breach?    And witched the air with dreams turn'd inside out.
You, that knew better! In broad open day
Steal in, steal out, and steal our flowers away?
What could possess you? Ah! sweet youth, I fear, Thus all conspired-each power of eye and ear,
The chap with horns and tail was at your ear!"  And this gay month, th' enchantress of the year,
The chap with horns and tail was at your        To cheat poor me (no conjurer, God wot!)
To cheat poor me (no conjurer, God wot!)
And C-  m's self accomplice in the plot.
Such sounds, of late, accusing fancy brought    Can you then wonder if I went astray?
From fair C-. to the poet's thought.           Not bards alone, nor lovers mad as theyNow hear the meek Parnassian youth's reply:-  All nature day-dreams in the month of May,
A bow-a pleading look-a downcast eye-          And if I pluck'd'each flower that sweetest blows'And then:                                      Who walks in sleep, needs follow most his nose.
"Fair dame! a visionary wight,       Thus long accustomed on the twy-fork'd hill,
Hard by your hill-side mansion sparkling white,    To pluck both flower and floweret at my will;
His thought all hovering round the muses' home,   The garden's maze, like No-man's land, I tread,
Long hath it been your Poet's wont to roam.    Nor common law, nor statute in my head;
And many a morn, on his bed-charmed sense,     For my own proper smell, sight, fancy, feeling,
So rich a stream of music issued thence,       With autocratic hand at once repealing
He deem'd himself, as it flow'd warbling on,   Five acts of Parliament'gainst private stealing!
Beside the vocal fount of Helicon!             But yet-from C-I m, who despairs of grace?
But when, as if to settle the concern,         There's no spring-gun nor man-trap in that face!
A nymph too he beheld, in many a turn,         Let Moses then look black, and Aaron blue,
Guiding the sweet rill from its fontal urn;    That look as if they had little else to do:
Say, can you blame? —No, none, that saw and heard, For C i m speaks. " Poor vouth! he's but a waif!
Could blame a bard, that he, thus inly stirr'd,  The spoons all right?  The hen and chickens safe?
A muse beholding in each fervent trait,         Well, well, he shall not forfeit our regardsTook Mary H- for Polly Hymnia?                 The Eighth Commandment was not made for Bards!"




1040                              OUR FIGHTING EDITOR.
AN EXPECTORATION,
Or, Splenetic Extempore, on my joyful Departure from the City of Cologne.
BY S. T. COLERIDGE.
As I am Rhymer,                            And rags, and hags, and hideous wenches;
And now at least a merry one,            I counted two-and-seventy stenches,
Mr. Mum's Rudesheimer                      All well-defined, and several stinks!
And the church of St. Geryon             Ye nymphs that reign o'er sewers and sinks,
Are the two things alone                   The river Rhine, it is well known,
That deserve to be known                   Don't wash your city of Cologne;
In the body-and-soul-stinking town of Cologne.  But tell me, nymphs! what power divine
EXPECTORATION THE SECOND.                 Shall henceforth wash the river Rhine?
IN Coln, a town of monks and bones,
And pavements fang'd with murderous stones;
OUR FIGHTING EDITOR.
THE ". John Bull" newspaper, a high Tory weekly, edited by Theodore Hook, frequently indulged
in offensive personalities in remarking on the conduct and character of public men. A military hero,
who would persist in placing himself conspicuously
before the world's gaze, received a copious share of
what he considered malignant and libellous abuse,
in the columns of the said "Bull."  His soldier's
spirit resolved on revenge. An officer and a gentleman could not demean himself by calling on a
hireling scribbler for honorable satisfaction! no;                       9
he would horsewhip the miscreant in his own den!                          d 
the Bull should be taken by the horns! Donning
his uniform, and arming himself with a huge whip,
he called at the office of the paper, and, scarcely
concealing his agitation, inquired for the editor.
He was invited by a clerk to take a seat in an inner
room-he complied, and was kept Waiting while the 
clerk, who recognized the visitor, ran up stairs and 
informed the editorial responsibilities of his name
and evident purport. After an aggravating delay,
which served considerably to increase the ill-temper
of the officer, the door opened, and a coarse, rough
looking man, over six feet in height, with a proportionate breadth of shoulder, and armed with a terrific bludgeon, entered the room; walking up to
the surprised and angry visitor, he said, in a voice wards the door, bowing politely to the brawn before
of thunder,-" Are you the chap as wants to see him.
mre?" And don't let me ketch you coming again with"You! no. I wish to see the editor of the pa- out knowing what you want and who you want.
per."                                           We're always ready here for all sorts o' customers
" That's me! I'm the werry man."             -army or navy-civil or military-horse, foot, and
"' There must be some mistake."              drag-goons."
" Not a morsel! I'm the head-hitter of the Bull,"   The officer retired, resolving to undergo another
said the fellow, bringing the nobbed end of his goring by the "Bull," before he again ventured to
bludgeon within fearful proclivity to the officer's encounter the Herculean proportions of the fighting
caput.                                          editor.
"You, the editor? impossible!"                 When the clerk informed the occupiers of the
"Do you mean to say as I'm a telling a lie?" editorial sanctum of the visit of the irate colonel,
roared the ruffian, as he again raised his "knotty  neither Hook nor his publisher cared to face the
argument."                                      horsewhip. A well-known pugilist, the landlord of
" Certainly not-by no means!" said the officer, a tavern in the vicinity, was instantly sent for; a
rapidly cooling down; and dropping the horsewhip  slight preparation fitted him for the part, in which
and his wrath at the same time.                he acquitted himself with complete success. The
"Werry well, then! what are you wanting wi' story rapidly circulated; and the reputation of the
me?"                                          fighting editor of the Bull prevented further remon"A mistake, my dear sir! all a mistake. I ex- strances from persons who fancied themselves agpected to meet another person. I'll call some other grieved by the liberty of the press.
time."  And the valiant complainant backed to



THE STAGE COACHMAN.                                   1041
THE STAGE COACHMAN.
BY C. J. APPERLEY (NIMROD).
LET US revert to the old-fashioned Coachman of    P. Then all proprietors will not stand shoulder.
former days; and we know not how we can better ing?
develop -his character and calling, than by letting    C. No, sir. I lost a sarvice by only shouldering
him at once speak for himself. We will, then, in- a soldier two stages, and made it a rule never to
troduce him in conversation with his box-passen- shoulder another of that sort of live lumber. A
ger, on his first start from a country town, a hun- proprietor can see'em a mile off by the color of
dred and fifty miles west of the metropolis. But, their coat, and the feathers in their cap.
reader, observe this: —no coachman of the old    P. Well, it was no feather in your cap?
school, nor many of the new, say a word to their    C. No, nor out of it, for the coach was no great
passengers for the first two miles of the journey. things, and I've been on this ever since.
They have sundry important matters to occupy, if    P. Driving must be a healthy occupation, and as
not monopolize, their ideas for the time. There is you say you have been a coachman nearly thirty
the way-bill; the parcels to be dropped on the  years, you prove it to be such, for you look hale
road; the state of the horses since their last jour- and hearty.
ney; a calculation of their own lawful receipts, to-    C. No doubt but it's healthy, sir; that is to say,
gether with how much may be added to them by  provided a man takes his natural rest, and keeps
the help of the short pocket; and sundry other af- the right hand down. For my own part, I never
fairs which concern only themselves. Let us, how- lay rest a score journeys in my life, except when I
ever, suppose the ice to be broken, and after a broke this here leg, and had my hand frost-bitten.
slight survey of his person, imagine our Jehu of    P. What do you mean by keeping the right hand
the old school, thus addressing his fellow-travel- down?
ler:-                                             C. Why, you know, sir (smiling), we takes the
Coachman.-Booked through, sir?              glass in the right hand; what I means is, not to take
Passenger.-Yes.                              too much liquor.
C. Nice day for your journey, and you'll find this   P. What do you call too much liquor?
a good coach.                                     C. Why, sir, d'ye see, we stands in need, and esP. Not very fast.                            pecially o'er this high and cold ground, of someC. If she aint fast, she aint slow; and though  thing comfortable to keep out the weather. For
she loads heavy, she keeps her time. You'll be in  my own part, I never called myself much of a
Lunnun to-morrow morning, sir, as the clock hits drinker; but what curious notions some persons
nine.                                           have about what a man like me should drink.
P. A good coach for coachman and guard, I'll   P. You rather might say, what a man like you
be bound.                                       does drink, or ought to drink.
C. No great things, sir. We does contrive to    C. Well, sir, have it that way, if you like; a few
make tongue and buckle meet, as the saying is, and journeys back, I had a doctor on the box along
that's all; although I have been a coachman thirty  with me, and he would have it that hot rum-andyears come next May, I am worth next to nothing. water —and that's the liquor I always takes on the
Then, to be sure, I've had a heavy family, and if it road-is poison.
wasn't for the help of the short pocket now and    P. Poison!
then, I know not what would have'come on us.     C. Yes, sir, downright poison; so much so, he
P. Short pocket!                             said, he was quite sure that two glasses every day
C. Some calls it shouldering, sir.           would kill a man in three years.
P. O, I understand you; you mean occasionally    P. And what did you say to that remark?
putting some money into your own pockets, instead    C. Why, you know, sir, it warnt for me to conof into your employer's?                       tradict a doctor; but I made bold to ask him, what
C. Why, to be sure, sir; I can't say but it is a sort of stuff he thought I must be made of, for,
bit wrong, but a coachman's place is no'heritance,  said I, I have drunk no less than six every day, on
and there aint half-a-dozen in England as doesn't the road, for the last nineteen years, besides what
do it, and very few proprietors as doesn't know it.  I takes with my dinner and supper, and something
P. And will they stand it?                   comfortable with my pipe at night; and I don't
C. Not all on'em, sir; nor some passengers know  now, whether the'surance office people
wont if they knows it.  For instance:-the last wouldn't have my life before- the doctor's, for he
journey but one, I axed a passenger who sat be- looks as white in the face as my near leader does.
hind me on the roof, if he would walk on a lit-   P. You must meet with all sorts of people in
tle way on the road, while I changed horses, and your daily vocation.
he said he would.  At last, he asked me why?    C. Yes, and of all sizes, too; I consider myself
"Why, sir," said I, " I means to swallow you this no small weight; but I had a gentleman alongside
morning."  " Swallow me," said he, " what do you me on the box a few journeys back, that made me
mean?" On my telling him I meant to put his fare look like a shrimp. I axed him what he weighed,
(it was but a trifle, as he warnt going very far, nor and he said, six-and-twenty stone on the weigh.
warnt on the bill) into my own pocket, he said, he bridge-for no scales would hold him.
should do no sich thing. Now, says I to myself,   P. Now what description of passengers pay you
what sort of a chap can this be?  And who do best.?
you think he was? Why, a Methodist parson!   C. Why, sir, next to a drunken sailor, just paid
Blow me, says I to the guard, but I didn't think  off, there is nothing like Eton schoolboys and Oxthere was as much honesty in all the Methodist ford gentlemen. You see, sir, when they leaves
parsons in the world.                          school, or the'varsity, they are very happy at the




1042                              THE STAGE COACHMAN.
thoughts af getting away from the big wigs, and
their books; and when they returns, they are full
of money, and don't think much of a few shil-.      /..
lings.
P. But the drunken sailor?
C. Pardon me, sir; I don't mean to say all sailors are drunkards, but I mean to say this, there's  
nothing, in our line, comes near a sailor, a little
sprung, with money in his pocket. When I drove         /
the old "Liverpool Mareury," commonly called on'                                  1  IB t
the road (saving your presence), the "Lousy Liver-                                        1
pool," I have sacked two pounds on a journey for                         v
weeks together, in the time of war; and the landlord of the inn, at which the coach stopped to
breakfast, has been heard to say, it was worth five
hundred a-year to him.
P. How could that be?
C. How, sir? Why, Jack, you see, could never  
eat nothing at that time in the morning; but calling for something to drink for himself and messmates would chuck down half-a-guinea, saying he
never took no change.
P. And how came you to lose such a coach as
that?
C. Aye, that's the job, sir. I told you before            _
our place is no'heritance; we had a bad mishap;
we had four horses and three  passengers all
drowned at one go.
P. And was you the cause of it?
C. Worse luck, I was.                           C. You see, sir, some on'em are named by us,
P. Drunk, I fear.                            and others by the horse-keepers. For example:C. No, sir, I warnt drank, nor warnt sober.' I this here near-wheeler wos christened Alderman in
wos what we calls stale drunk; the liquor wos a the stable, because he is such a devil to eat; and
dying in me, like; but that warnt the cause. It his partner, I calls Lawyer, because he wont do
wos a terrible foggy night; we had a terrible awk- nothing without being well paid for it, and as little
ward bridge to go over; and as bad luck would  as he can help then. In short, he is a shifty rashave it-we were shocking badly horsed in that cal, and no more minds the whip than a lobster
coach-every one of the team that night was blind. does a flea-bite.
Now what could be expected in such a case as this,   P. And what do you call your present leaders?
*with only one eye among us, and that one wos mine?    C. Why, sir, I christened them  both myself.
I missed the bridge; into the river we went, drown- The little bay horse on the near-side, I calls Baring all the horses, and three drunken sailors asleep, leycorn, because he was bought of a publican, wh(,
in the inside. Of course, I got the sack.      brews the best ale on this road; and his partner,
P. And what are your worst payers?           the gray mare, Virago.
C. Why, God bless them, sir-for I loves them    P. Why Virago?
to my very heart, for all that, and have had two    C. Well; to tell you the plain truth, sir, she is
heavy families by two wives-women are the worst, much like my first wife; God rest her soul, she
-and parsons next. Many a woman thinks she be- warnt a bad kind of woman neither; but terrible
haves handsome if she gives a coachman sixpence  violent if put out. And that's the case with that
for driving her fifty miles, and helping her to swear there mare. If I was to hit her two or three times,
-that her child aint seven years old, when she knows smartly, under the bars-not that I am a-going to
it is ten, and ought to pay full fare; and as to  insinuvate that my poor missis and I ever came to
parsons, you might as well expect to squeeze blood  blows-she wouldn't be herself again for all the
out of turnips, as more than a shilling out of them, rest of the stage. Then again you see, she wears
especially those who have their hats turned up be- something like a shade before her eyes, what we
hind, and a bit of a rose in front, like that at the  calls a mope, and this because she's apt to be what
side of our coach-horse's bridle-fronts.  But I we calls megrimy.
sarved one of them out, some years back. I hap-   P. What do you mean?
pened to swear twice on the journey, when he made    C. Why, if she runs with the sun in her face, she
that an excuse for not giving me any thing. Well, is apt to be taken with the megrims, and then she's
sir, when I sets him down at his house, he wanted  down on her back in a crack, if not pulled up.
his carpet-bag; and also a heavy trunk that was on    P. Has that any thing to do with temper?
the roof: "You shall have your carpet-bag, sir,"   C. I shouldn't wonder if it has, for the neighsaid I; " but as you have done your duty, I must bors used to say, my wife was very full of megrims,
do mine. I shall take your trunk to the office, and  and I see no reason why it shouldn't be the same
you will have seven-and-sixpence to pay for it."  If case with horses.
he had given me something, you see, he would have    P. From what does it proceed?
had nothing to pay for his trunk.                 C;. I can't say exactly; but our farrier says it
P. I am at a loss to know how you distinguish  has something to do with the head. Now if I was
your horses, when you have occasion to speak of to give my opinion, it comes from the head in
them to the various horse-keepers on the road.  horses, and from the heart in women; but both




CELESTIAL CONFUSION.   EPIGRAMS.                             1043
are apt to be queer in their temper, and difficult to  nose, and trim  him about the head as we do a
handle, so as always to keep them in the straight horse. I'd put the dog-skins on him, too; what
road. Both, you know, sir, are given to bolt at real coachman ever druv in any thing but dog-skin
times, and now and then kick over a trace, orjump  gloves? It's coming it too strong, sir. Then our
over the pole; not that I am a-going to insinuvate  guard told me another queer go. He said an old
that my first missis ever went so far as this, at least, fellow-servant of mine had given notice to quit his
not to my knowledge.                            place at the end of the month, and what do you
P. But, Coachman, I fear your trade will soon be think that place is? Why no less than thirty miles
over; they tell me we are to have steam-carriages in and out of Lunnun, two coaches in twenty-four
on the road as well as elsewhere.               hours, and all night-work!  Why, I reckon the
C. Oh, sir, that wont be in my time nor in yours; blockhead wants a place in the House of Commons.
the guard tells me, though, that our Lunnun man    P. I think your friend is somewhat unreasonahas been talking about them.                    ble; but I don't understand one expression of
P. Who do you mean by your London man?    yours. You speak of "night-work," as a recomC. He who drives over the upper ground into  mendation.
Lunnun. These Lunnun men, you see, sir, knows    C. Nothing like "night-work," sir, for a coacha many things that we down in the country knows man.  Proprietors snug in bed arter a certain
nothing about.                                  hour; always something to be picked up on such a
P. Was you never in London?                 road as his.
C. Never could reach it, sir; never could get be-    C. But you must suffer in cold weather P?
yond the middle ground. It aint on account of    C. Can't say we doesn't, sir. I've had my boxcoachmanship, for I wouldn't turn my back to any  coat so froze that it could not be unbuttoned; acman in England, in our line, and that our proprie- tually obliged to have the buttons cut off before I
tors knows, or I shouldn't have been on this coach  could get out of it, and then it would stand up for
for the last nineteen years; the stock speaks for that; all the world as stiff as if I had been in it. Then
but the truth is, we country coachmen arnt thought meeting a storm of hail-sore work for the eyes,
quite'cute enough to bring a coach-especially a because, you see, sir, we are obliged to raise the
night coach-in and out of Lunnun: so many  eyelid, or we can'tthieves, you know. A brother of mine, who druv    P. I don't comprehend you.
the Holyhead mail through Wales, where a man.  C. Why, sir, if you'll try, you will find that,
aint hanged above once in fifty years, was done though you can see the wheel-horses, and half way
brown the first week he druv a coach into Lunnun: along the leaders' backs, with your eyelids down,
a man comes up to him in Piccadilly, with fine lace  and your head in its natural place, you can't see
on his hat, and says,-" Now, coachman, be alive: their heads, still less the road before them, unless
my master's luggage; there it is, that ere carpet you raise your eyelids, and then vou expose your
bag; so, taking the first that was handed down to  eyes to the storm. I have had a pellet of hail strike
him, of he goes with it; and of course, before  my one good eye, ready to knock it out of the
night, my brother was off the coach. Then they  socket, and what a pretty go would that have been.
tells me, some of them Lunnun coachmen are quite    P. Well, driving and guarding a coach through
like gentlemen, and able to talk with gentlemen on  a winter's night, or even a winter's day, must be
any matter, and in any language. Our Lunnun  punishing work, and doubtless attended with no
man, indeed, the passengers tells me, speaks Greek  small degree of danger. It is on this consideration
and Latin, and that which the Jews talks, as well. that I always feel disposed to reward coachmen and
But for my part, I thinks some of those fine Lun- guards well; here are three shillings for yourself,
nun coachmen are a little above their situvation; and I shall pay the guard where we leave him.
not but what I would have every man, in our line,   C. Much obliged to you, sir; I shall drink your
keep himself respectable.  Indeed, I could not health after my dinner, with my usual toast.
help saying to our guard, t'other day, when he told    P. Pray what may be your usual toast?
me he met one of what they calls the " swell-drags-   C. "' As we travel through life, may we live on
men" out of Lunnun, at work in kid gloves, and  the road."
with a bunch of curls sticking out on the off-side    P. (to himself).  Dum  vivimus, vivamus; and
of his hat, that I should like to put a twitch on his I very well translated.
CELESTIAL CONFUSION.                                  EPIGRAMS.
Of Juno the shrew, Jove was husband and brother-  "You're a thief," said a wag, "and I'll show it,"
Minerva's papa, too, without any mother,          To a butcher, with angry feeling;
Thus playing the part of himself and another:   "'Tis a scandalous fact, and you know it,
HIow strange!   That knives you are constantly steeling!"
Cries Sue to Will,'midst matrimonial strife,
Venus was Vulcan's half wife and half sister,   " Cursed be the hour I first became your wife!"
And proved to his breast a perpetual blister:  "By all the powers," said Will, " but that's too bad!
Had he sold her, ne ne'er, by the bye, would have You've cursed the only civil hour we've had."
nmissed her-               How strange! A cockney sportsman, gunning, to a country squire
How strange!        declares,
That he, one morn,'ere breakfast time, shot three
Such things are recorded in heathenish song;          and thirty hares.
Such things, we on earth say, to scandal belong,   "Indeed! shot three and thirty hares?"  "Yes,
But the gods-oh! they're always above doing          truly!" looking big;
wrong.                                   "Then," says the squire, "you surely must have
How strange!        fired at a wig I"




1044                       PROVERBS OF SOLOMON LEVI, ESQ.
PROVERBS OF SOLOMON LEVI, ESQ., ATTORNEY-AT-LAW.
REMEMBERED AND EDITED BY HIS ARTICLED PUPIL. ANONYMOUS.
OUR surprise that Mr. Levi had never married  seem white; it is as a poulterer flours an old hen,
was participated in by Mr. Levi's friends. In early  that it may pass for a tender chicken.
youth, he is reported to have loved-aye, loved    How many women have been ruined by diamonds,
madly, deeply (he gave her a watch and chain, as bird-catchers entice the lark from heaven to earth
which cost him thirty pounds). Miss Maud Dogge- with sparkling glass.
ry was not what might strictly be called handsome,   As the child crows at the shining candle, so do
owing to a large port wine stain on the left cheek, women at glittering gems; and both shall burn
shaped exactly like a huge red gooseberry. (It ap- their fingers if they touch them.
pears that two days before Miss Maud was born,   The stepping-stone to fortune is not to be found
her mother felt an inordinate desire to drink chamin- in a jeweller's shop.
pagne. It was not gratified, and hence the poor   Some women have hearts brittle as glass; he that
child was marked with a gooseberry.)           would engrave his name on them  must use diaMr. Levi has since confessed that whenever he monds.
made love to her, it was always on the right side,   Brilliants of the first water are those given to
with the damaged cheek turned to the wall. He stay the wife's first flood of tears.
invariably spoke of her as one who, even if she had    Any woman will listen to your suit if you first
a stain upon her cheek, had none upon her charac- give her an'earing; but it must be an emerald one.
ter; and who, if not positively handsome (even on    There are some men who beat their wives, and
the other side of her face there were freckles as bigo then seek the hand of forgiveness by placing jewels
as chocolate drops), at least was the perfection of upon their fingers. They follow the inscriptions on
maidenly modesty. But she deceived Mr. Levi in a their street-doors, "Knock and ring!"
most shameful manner. She had always led him to    All women have hearts, but often it is with them
suppose that her fortune amounted to ~15,000; and  as with oaks-the heart is the hardest part.
it was only a few days before the wedding was to    No chain is so strong as the banns of marriage.
have taken place that he fortunately discovered that   She who wears false ringlets is like a fire of green
the money was invested in Pennsylvanian bonds. wood; it has curls of smoke, but he who would kinOne morning, twenty years after his love fit, some- die the flame must puff vigorously.
body told Mr. Levi that Miss Maud Doggery was   As birds are snared with hairs, so are many men
still living. I fancy I can see the governor-pale  with a woman's head-dress.
as a ground-glass lamp shade-throw up his hands    She who dyes her locks, is like a desperate gamas he exclaimed, " Living?  Heavens! what an es- bler, who makes his last venture, and risks all upon
cape I have had! and the villains told me she was the hazard of the die:
consumptive!"  In the afternoon, he came into our   You may tell the ages of horses and of women
office, and spoke the following wonderfill proverbs: by their teeth-with a horse by looking at them,
with a woman by asking how old she is; and if she
ON WOMAN, ETC.                   shows her teeth, be sure that she is advanced in
Remember this, my boys. In Eden there was years.
only one woman, and it is the symbol of happiness.   Like the colored bottles in a chemist's window, is
Would that it had been a Pearadise, for then the  rouge on the cheeks of a maiden; it attracts the
apple had not been there. The source of all evil passers by, but all know the drug they advertise.
was apple sauce.                                  Shun vermilion cheeks. They are the red danger
With the rib of man was woman made. In her signals on the marriage lines.
daughters you may easily trace the love of rib-   Beware of the hare's foot-it leaves the footprints
bones.         i                                of Time behind it.
At the first wedding ceremony, the bridegroom    Showmen hang paintings before their booths,
slept. How many have since been led to the altar and women carry color on their faces. Let any exlulled by some soft soap-orific.                amine the inward worth, and it shall be nothing to
Woman shared the apple with man, but she took  the outward show.
the first bite.                                   She who is in haste for the wedding says, " The
This was the curse of the world: "Woman shall more bussel the more speed."
love fine clothes, and man shall pay for them."   The voice of the virgin is soft as the cooing of
No sooner had Eve seen Sat(i)n than she wished  the wood-pigeon on St. Valentine's day. Her laughto clothe herself.                             ter is like the sound of distant bells ringing for a
Ask a woman what is meant by happiness, and  wedding.
she will reply, " A  velvet dress, with fourteen    She is timid as a Highland doe. He who would
breadths to the skirt.".      creep near to her must do it-as deer-stalkers doHow many marry that they may wear rich gar- on his knees.
ments! Cambric handkerchiefs are not the only    At the voice of a man she flies, as a gazelle at
things that can be drawn through a wedding ring.  the roaring of a lion.
This is the vanity of women: "Court plumes and    But no sooner has she tasted wedding-cake, than
the largest bussel."                            she grows bold, as the tiger that has eaten raw food.
When cats wash their faces, bad weather is at   Henceforth she shall be bold, as a servant that
hand; when women use washes to their complex- has discovered your secret.
ions, it is a true sign that the beauty of the day is  v Her voice shall sound like a circus-gong at a fair,
gone.                                           telling that the scenes in the ring are about to comrnMany powder their faces, that their skins may  mence.




DID YOU EVER?                                     1045
Choose not your wives as you do grapes, from    Avoid dark-haired girls: their love is as the blow
the bloom on them.                              of a cudgel.
He who marries a pretty face only, is like a buyer   They are fierce as strong drink, but lack sweetof cheap furniture-the varnish that caught the eye ness; sugar will not dissolve in their high spirit.
will not endure the fire-side blaze.              They remember long an angry word; as ale turns
Better is love and gingham, than coldness and  sour with thunder.
cashmeres.                                        Maidens with brown hair are pleasant as bread
Woman is the only female in creation that sings: that has been well baked-all kissing crust.
have no piano in your house.                      She who has golden hair should be loved by a
How many go to be married because there will heart of leather, for that cannot break.
be a carriage to bring them home from church.     They are loving as spaniels, and as faithless; and
None can tell how much they love their husbands he who whistles last shall be followed.
as those that marry for money.                    Remember this, ye wives. Be not too affectionTo be married, women will endure much. Though  ate; without bitters there were no sweets.
they be caged up as a parrot, still they complain    As men take sour olives that they may relish their
not if they have the ring to play with.        wine the more, so well-administered crossness will
The house-keeping book is the thunder-cloud of give fresh flavor to your love.
marriage. It is accompanied with the lightening    Women, beware of scandal, or it will crush you;
of the husband's purse.                         as sometimes a word spoken in the snowy Alps will
It is as the magic portfolio shown by conjurers. bring down an avalanche.
The trick consists in getting out of it-without be-   The girdle of beauty is not a stay-lace.
ing found out-bonnets, shawls, and dresses enough    This is the only excuse for tight lacing. A good
to fill a wardrobe.                            housewife should have no waste.
The girl who chooses her husband for his gold,   The wisest man is a batch o'lore.
has a heart of quartz attached to a nugget.       All women dislike the words, " Love, honor, and
Every woman leaves her husband "for ever" at obey."  According to them it should be, "Love,
least three times in her life, as folk striking a bar- honor, and a ba-be."
gain pretend to leave the shop, hoping to be called    Forty is the turnpike-gate on the road to the
back, and gain by the artifice.                 church; none can pass it unless they have money.
The heart that breaks too easily is like an empty    When a maid takes to spaniels or parrots, it
nut, that cracks readily from its very emptiness.    means that her beauty is gone to the dogs, and
As harp-strings snap with the damp, so do a hus- that henceforth her life is a birden to her.
band's strongest resolves with the tears of his wife.   The mouth of a wise woman is like a money-box
Beware of girls with red hair: they are deceitful which is seldom  opened, so that much treasure
as foxes.                                      comes forth from it.
Shun them, as the mariner shuns the lighthouse    Store up this truth, O woman!  Be charitable
with its head of flames. For there are the hidden  unto thy fallen sister. Imitate not the stags, that
rocks of deceit that would wreck your happiness.   chase from their herd their wounded companion.
Though they should grease their curls into dark-   The wise wife opposes wrath with kindness. A
ness: still will their redness be shown by their ac- sand-bag will stop a cannon-ball by its yielding.
tions.                                            The smell of the dinner is the incense of domesThe foolish virgins were red-haired girls who had tic love.
no oil; so that the bridegroom discovered their   A good woman is like a Cremona fiddle; age
locks of fire.                                  only makes its tone the sweeter.
DID YOU EVER?
DID yOU ever know a sentinel who could tell   Did you ever know a man who did not think he
what building he was keeping guard over?      could poke the fire better than you could?
Did you ever know a cab-man, or a ticket porter,   Did you ever know a Frenchman admire Waterwith any change about him?                    loo Bridge?
Did you ever know a tradesman asking for his   Did you ever know a housemaid who, on your
account, who had not "a bill to take up on Fri- discovering a fracture in a valuable China jar, did
day?"                                         not tell you it was " done a long time ago," or that
Did you ever know an omnibus cad who would it was "cracked before?"
not engage to set you down within a few yards of   Did you ever know a man who didn't consider
any place within the bills of mortality?      his walking-stick a better walking-stick than your
Did you ever know a turnpike man who could be walking-stick?
roused in less than a quarter of an hour, when it   Did you ever know a penny-a-liner who was not
wanted that much of midnight?                 on intimate terms with Lytton Bulwer, Capt. MarDid you ever see a pair of family snuffers which ryatt, Sheridan Knowles, Tom Hood, Washington
had not a broken spring, a leg deficient, or half an Irving, and Rigdum Funnidos?
inch of the point knocked off?                   Did you ever know a hatter who was not pre- Did you ever know a lodging-house landlady who pared to sell you as good a hat for ten and sixpence
would own to bugs?                             as the one you've got on at five and twenty shilDid you ever know the Boots at an inn call you lings?
too early for the morning coach?                 Did you ever know a red-haired man who had a
Did you ever know a dancing-master's daughter very clear notion of where scarlet began and auburn
who was not to excel Taglioni?                terminated?
67




1046                         THE SAYINGS OF SYDNEY  SMITH.
THE SAYINGS OF SYDNEY SMITH.
HABITUAL BORE.-Lord  Chesterton  we have  the meats; the learned management of light and
often met with, and suffered a good deal from his heat; the silent and rapid services of the attendlordship: a heavy, pompous, meddling peer, occu- ants; the smiling and sedulous host, proffering
pying a great share of the conversation-saying  gusts and relishes; the exotic bottles; the emthings in ten words which required only two, and  bossed plate; the pleasant remarks; the handsome
evidently convinced that he is making a great im- dresses; the cunning artifices in fruit and farinai
pression; a large man with a large head, and a very  The hour of dinner, in short, includes every thing
candid manner. Knowing enough to torment his of sensual and intellectual gratification, which a
fellow creatures, not to instruct them; the intimate  great nation glories in producing.
of young ladies, and the natural butt and target of
wit. It is easy to talk of carnivorous animals and  highly civilized institution among barbarous people;
beasts of prey; but does such a man, who lays waste and when civilized institution assassinationg barbarou prodigious
a whole civilized party of beings by prosing, reflect victory gained over human passination, is a prodigious
upon the joy he spoils, and the misery he creates,
in the course of his life? and that any one who lis-   BURNING CHIMNEY-SWEEPS.-A large party are
tens to him through politeness, would prefer tooth- invited to dinner, a great display is to be made;
ache or earache to his conversation? Does he con- and about an hour before dinner, there is an alarm
sider the extreme uneasiness which ensues when  that the kitchen chimney is on fire! It is impossithe company have discovered a man to be an ex- ble to put off the distinguished persons who are extremely absurd person, at the same time that it is pected. It gets very late for the soup and fish;
absolutely impossible to convey, by words or man- the cook is frantic; all eyes are turned upon the
ner, the most distant suspicion of the discovery? sable consolation of the master chimney-sweeper;
And, then, who punishes this bore? What sessions and up into the midst of the burning chimney is
or what assizes for him? What bill is found against sent one of the miserable little infants of the brush!
him?  Who indicts him?  When the judges have  There is a positive prohibition of this practice, and
gone their vernal and autumnal rounds, the sheep- an enactment of penalties in one of the acts of Parstealer disappears-the swindler gets ready for the  liament which respect chimney-sweepers. But what
Bay —the solid parts of the murderer are preserved  matters acts of Parliament, when the pleasures of
in anatomical collections. But after twenty years genteel people are concerned? or what is a toasted
of crime, the bore is discovered in the same house, child, compared to the agonies of the mistress of
in the same attitude, eating the same soup-untried  the house with a deranged dinner?
ENJOYMENT OF LIFE.-Ennui, wretchedness, meMONK LEWIS'S TRAGEDY OF ALFONso. —This tra- lancholy, groans, and sighs, are the offering which
gedy delights in explosions.  Alfonso's empire is these unhappy Methodists make to a Deity, who has
destroyed by a blast of gunpowder, and restored by  covered the earth with gay colors, and scented it
a clap of thunder. After the death of Caesario, and  with rich perfumes; and shown us, by the plan and
a short exhortation to that purpose by Orsino, all order of his works, that he has given to man somethe conspirators fall down in a thunderclap, ask par- thing better than a bare existence, and scattered
don of the king, and are forgiven. This mixture  over his creation a thousand superfluous joys, which
of physical and moral power is beautiful! How in- are totally unnecessary to the mere support of life.
teresting a water-spout would appear among Mr.
Lewis's kings and queens. We anxiously look for- BULLS.A bull is exactly the counterpart of a
Lewis's kings and queens. We anxiously look for- witticism: for as wit discovers real relations that
ward, in his next tragedy, to a fall of snow, three
or four feet deep, or expect a plot shall gradually    are not  rent, bulls admit apparent relations
unfold itself by means of a general thaw.       that are not real. The pleasure arising from bulls,
proceeds from our surprise at suddenly discovering
AMERICAN IcE.-Shortly after the repudiation of two things to be dissimilar in which a resemblance
the Pennsylvanian bonds, Sydney Smith was shown  might have been suspected. The same doctrine
a lump of American ice, upon which he remarked, will apply to wit and bulls in action. Practical wit
"That he was glad to see any thing solvent come  discovers connection or relation between actions,
from America."                                  in which duller understandings discover none: and
CANNIBALS.-Sydney Smith is said to have given  practical bulls originate from an apparent relation
between two actions which more correct undersome advice to the bishop of New Zealand, previous standings immediately perceive to have none at all.
to the minor as well as to the more grave duties of  conceived a high degree of indignation against
his station-to be given to hospitality-and, in or- some great banker, passed a resolution that they
der to meet the tastes of his native guests, never to  would burn his notes;-which they accordingly did,
be without a smoked little boy in the bacon sack, and  with great assiduity; forgetting, that in burning
a cold clergyman on the side-board.  "And as for with great assiduity; forgetting, that in burning
his notes, they were destroying his debts, and that
myself, my lord," he concluded, " all I can say is, for every note w ere destroying his debts, and that
that I hope you will not disagree with the man that for every note which  nt int o th e flames, a correseats you!"                                     pondent value went into the banker's pocket. A
gentleman, in speaking of a nobleman's wife, of
A DINNER PARTY.-An excellent and well-ar- great rank and fortune, lamented very much that
ranged dinner is a most pleasing occurrence, and a she had no children. A medical gentleman who
great triumph of civilized life. It is not only the  was present observed, that to have no children was
descending morsel and the enveloping sauce, but a great misfortune, but he thought he had remarked
the rank, wealth, wit, and beauty which surround  it was hereditary in some families. Take any in



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THE SAYINGS OF SYDNEY SMITH.                                1047
stance of this branch of the ridiculous, and you will   PRISON RETIREMENT.-Since the benevolent Howalways find an apparent relation of ideas leading to  ard attacked our prisons, incarceration has become
a complete inconsistency. There are some bulls so not only healthy, but elegant; and a county jail is
extremely fallacious, that any man may imagine  precisely the place to which any pauper might wish
himself to have been betrayed into them; but these  to retire, to gratify his taste for magnificeace as
are rare; and, in general, it is a poor, contemptible  well as comfort. Upon the same principle, there is
species of amusement; a delight in which evinces a some risk that transportation will be considered one
very bad taste in wit.                           of the surest roads to honor and wealth; and that
no felon will hear a verdict of " not guilty," without
CLASSICAL GLoRY.-Dr. Gengre, the celebrated  considering himself as cut off in the fairest career
Grecian, upon hearing the praises of the great king  of prosperity.
of Prussia, entertained considerable doubts whether
the king, with all his victories, knew how to conju-   PARASITES.-Nature   descends down to infinite
gate a Greek verb in /.                         smallness. A great man has his parasites; and if
you take a large, buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look
CHARADES.-If they are made at all, they should  at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty
be made, without benefit of clergy, the offender little ugly insects crawling about it, which, doubtshould be instantly hurried off to execution, and  less, think their fly to be the bluest, grandest, merbe cut off in the middle of his dulness, without riest, most important animal in the universe; and
being allowed to explain to the executioner, why his are convinced the world would be at an end if it
first is like his second, or what is the resemblance  ceased to buzz.
between his fourth and his ninth.
THE THEATRE.-There is something in the word
MATERIALISM.-Sydney Smith was once dining  Playhouse which seems so closely connected, in the
with a French gentleman, who was indulging, not, minds of some people, with sin and Satan, that it
perhaps, in the best possible taste, both before and  stands in their vocabulary for every species of
during dinner, in a variety of freethinking specula- abomination.  And yet why?  Where is every
tions, and ended by avowing himself a materialist. feeling more roused in favor of virtue than at a
"Very good soup this," said Mr. Smith. "Oui, good play? Where is goodness so feelingly, so
Monsieur, c'est excellente."  "Pray, sir, do you be- enthusiastically learned?  What so solemn as to
lieve in a cook?"                              see the excellent passions of the human heart called
forth by a great actor, animated by a great poet?
OFFICIAL DRESS. —The Americans, we believe, to hear Siddons repeat what Shakspere wrote?  To
are the first persons who have discarded the tailor behold the child and his mother-the noble and
in the administration of justice, and his auxiliary  the poor artisan-the monarch and his subjectsthe barber-two persons of endless importance in  all ages and all ranks convulsed with one comnon
codes and pandects of Europe. A judge adminis- passion-wrung with one common anguish, and,
ters justice, without a calorific wig and party-color- with loud sobs and cries, doing involuntary homage
ed gown, in a coat and pantaloons. He is obeyed, to the God that made their hearts! What wretchhowever; and life and property are not badly pro- ed  infatuation to interdict such amusements as
tected in the United States.  We shall be de- these!  What ablessing that mankind can be al
nounced by the laureate as atheists and jacobins; lured from sensual gratification, and find relaxation
but we must say, that we have doubts whether one  and pleasure in such pursuits!
atom of useful influence is added to men in important situations by any color, quantity, or configura-   USE AND ABUSE.-A certain authoress interdicts
tion of cloth and hair. The true progress of refine- cards and assemblies. No cards, because cards are
ment, we conceive, is to discard all the mountebank  employed in gaming; no assemblies, because many
drapery of barbarous ages. One row of gold and  dissipated persons pass their lives in assemblies.
fur falls off after another from the robe of power, Carry this but a little further, and we must say, no
and is picked up and worn by the parish beadle and  wine, because of drunkenness; no meat, because of
the exhibitor of wild beasts. Meantime, the affliet- gluttony; no use, that there may be no abuse!
ed wiseacre mourns over equality of garment, and    MEN AND BEAsTs.I have sometimes, perhaps
wotteth not of two men, whose doublets have cost felt a little uneasy at Exeter'Change, from contrastalike, how one shall command and the other obey.  ing the monkeys with the'prentice-boys who are
PULPIT ELOQUENCE.-Pulpit discourses have in- teazing them; but a few pages of Locke, or a few
sensibly dwindled from  speaking to reading; a lines of Milton, have always restored me to tranpractice, of itself, sufficient to stifle every germ of quillity, and convinced me that the superiority of
eloquence. It is only by the fresh feelings of the  men had nothing to fear.
heart, that mankind can be very powerfully affect-   NARROW-MINDED  PERSONS.- A  narrow-minded
ed. What can be more ludicrous than an orator person has not a thought beyond the little sphere
delivering stale indignation, and fervor of a week  of his own vision. "The snail," say the Hindoos,
old; turning over whole pages of violent passions, " sees nothing but his own shell, and thinks it the
written out in German text; reading the tropes grandest palace in the universe."
and apostrophes into which he is hurried by the ardor of his mind; and so affected at a preconcerted    FRIGHTFUL TO THINK OF.-An injudicious adheline  and  page, that he is unable to proceed any  rent of Mr. Percival, the colleague of Canning, havfurther!                                       ing mentioned drugs among the articles to be intercepted by the English ships, in order to make the
IMPTIRTINENCE OF AN OPINION. —It is always con- French more disposed for peace, the opportunity
sidered as a piece of impertinence in England, if a which it offered to Sydney Smith for displaying his
man of less than two or three thousand a year has powers of ridicule, was too tempting to be lost, and
any opinions at all upon important subjects.    he has thus' shown up' the affair, in the' Letters




1048                        THE SAYINGS OF SYDNEY SMITIH.
of Peter Plumley:' "What a sublime thought," looked out of the window as we approached York
exclaims Peter, "that no purge can now be taken  and said,'There is a very clever rman, they say,
between the Weser and the Garonne; that the  but a d- odd fellow, lives near here-Sydney
bustling pestle is still, the canorous mortar mute, Smith, I believe.''He may be a very odd fellow,'
and the bowels of mankind locked up for fourteen  said I, taking off my hat to him, and laughing,'and
degrees of latitude! When, I should be curious to  I dare say he is; but odd as he is, he is here, very
know, were all the powers of crudity and flatulence  much at your service.' Poor man! I thought he
fully explained to his majesty's ministers?  At would have sunk into his boots, and vanished
what period was this great plan of conquest and  through the bed of the carriage, he was so disconstipation fully developed?  In whose mind was tressed; but I thought I had better tell him at
the idea of destroying the pride and the plasters of  once, or he might proceed to say I had murdered
France first engendered? Without castor oil they  my grandmother, which I must have resented, you
might- for some months, to be sure, have carried  know.
on a lingering war; but can they do without bark?   On another occasion, some years later, when goWill the people live under a government where an- ing to Brougham Hall, two raw Scotch girls got intimonial powders cannot be procured? Will they  to the coach in the dark, near Carlisle.'It is very
bear the loss of mercury?'There's the rub.' disagreeable getting into a coach in the dark,' exDepend upon it, the absence of materia medica will claimed one, after arranging her bandboxes;'one
soon bring them to their senses, and the cry of  cannot see one's company.''Very true, ma'am,
Bourbon and bolus burst forth from the Baltic to  and you have a great loss in not seeing me, for I
the Mediterranean."                             am a remarkably handsome man.''NO, sir! are
you really?' said both.'Yes, and in the flower of
EDUCATION AT BOTANY BAY.-Sydney Smith, in  my youth.''What a pity!' said they.  We soon
enforcing the necessity of educating the children of passed near a lamp-post: they both darted forward
the convicts at Botany Bay, humorously remarks, to get a look at me.'La, sir, you seem very stout.'
"Nothing but the earliest attention to the habits'Oh no, not at all, ma'am, it's only my great coat.'
of children, can restrain the erratic finger from the'Where are you going, sir?''To Brougham Hall.'
contiguous scrip, or prevent the hereditary tenden-'Why, you must be a very remarkable man, to be
cy to larcenous abstractions."                  going to Brougham Hall.'' I am a very remarkaECCLESIASTICAL JoKES.-Sydney Smith has been  ble man, ma'am."  At Penrith they got out, after
blamed for pushing his jests to an extremity that having talked incessantly, and tried every possible
deserved Dr. Johnson's rebuke on the employment means to discover who I was, exclaiming as they
of " idle and indecent applications of sentences went off laughing,'Well, it is very provoking we
taken from the Scriptures; a mode of merrinent can't see you, but we'll find out who you are at the
which a good man dreads for its profaneness, and a hall; Lord Brougham always comes to the hall at
witty man disdains for its ease and vulgarity." For Penrith, and we shall certainly be there, and shall
instance, his description of Rogers' dining room —soon discover your name.'
"a blaze of light above, and below nothing but
darkness and gnashing of teeth."  Also, the oft-   YOUTH AND FAMILIARITY.-One evening, at a dinquoted reply to Landseer, the great animal painter, ner party, he was excessively annoyed by the fawho wished him to sit for his picture-" Is thy ser-miliarity of a young fop, who constantly addressed
vant a dog that he should do this thing?"  And  him as "Smith."-" Smith, pass the wine," and so
again, his well-known answer to a friend, who, at forth. Presently the young gentleman stated that
the time of the non-payment of the Pennsylvania he had received an invitation to dine with the Archinterest, congratulated him on his happy circum- bishop of Canterbury, and asked the reverend canon
stances. "And you," said Smith, in the words of  " what sort of a fellow" he was.
Paul, " Would that you were altogether such as I   "A very good sort of a fellow, indeed," replied
am-except these bonds!"                       the satirist; "only, let me give you a piece of advice-don't call him Howley."
VIRGILIAN PUN. —Smith proposed, as a motto for   This rebuff vastly amused the company; but the
Bishop Burgess, brother to the well-known fish  object of it, being a fool at all points, did not see
sauce purveyor,                                this point, and talked on in happy unconsciousness.
Grasi jampridem saucia curA.        Soon after, one of the company rose to depart,
THE W~RONG ~W~ORD.m-Preaching a charity sermon, pleading an engagement to a soiree at Gore House.
"HTake me with you," roars young hopeful. "1 I've
he frequently repeated the assertion that English-  Take me with you," roars young hopeful. "I've
men were distinguished for the love of their species. the greatest possible desire to know Lady BlessThe collection happened to be inferior to his ex-   This request was very naturally demurred to, on
pectations, and he said that he had evidently used This request was very naturally demurred to, on
the wrctationsg word-his expression should have been, the ground that a visitor was not authorized to inthe wrong word —his expression should have been, troduce uninvited guests.
that they were distinguished for their love of their troduce uninvited Sydney Smith, s. never mind; I'm
specie.                                           "Oh!" said Sydney Smith, "never mind; I'm
sure that her ladyship will be delighted to see our
SAMARITANS.-Yes!  you  find  people  ready  young friend: the weather's uncommonly hot, and
enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil and  you can say that you have brought with you the
two pence.                                     cool of the evening.
STAGE-COACH TRAVELLING.-Most people sulk in    DoGs. —" No, I don't like dogs; I always expect
-stage-coaches; I always talk. I have had some them to go mad. A lady asked me once for a motamusing journeys from this habit. On one occa- to for her dog Spot. I proposed,'Out, damned
sion, a gentleman in the coach with me, with whom  Spot!' but she did not think it sentimental enough.
I had been conversing for some time, suddenly  You remember the story of the French marquise,




JEREMY  SCRAP, THE OPTIMIST.                               1049
who, when her pet lap-dog bit a piece out of her our host out of the room. After some moments of
footman's leg, exclaimed,'Ah, poor little beast! I awful suspense, he returned to us with a face of
hope it won't make him sick.' I called one day on much distress, saying,'The woman assisting in the
Mrs. —, and her lap-dog flew at my leg and bit kitchen had mistaken the soup for dirty water, and
it. After pitying her dog, like the French mar- had thrown it away, so we must do without it;' we
quise, she did all she could to comfort me, by as- all agreed it was perhaps as well we should, under
suring me the dog was a Dissenter, and hated the the circumstances. At last, to our joy, dinner was
Church, and was brought up in a Tory family. But announced; but oh, ye gods! as we entered the
whether the bite came from madness or dissent, I dining-room what a gale met our noses! The veniknew myself too well to neglect it; and went on  son was high, the venison was uneatable, and was
the instant to a surgeon and had it cut out, making  obliged to follow the soup with all speed.
a mem. on the way to enter that house no more.    Dinner proceeded, but our spirits flagged under
these accumulated misfortunes: there was an omiDINNER IN THE COUNTRY.-What misery human  nous pause between the first and second course;
beings inflict on each other under the name of we looked each other in the face-,what new disaspleasure! We went to dine last Thursday with ter awaited us? The pause became fearful. At
Mr. —, a neighboring clergyman, a haunch of last, the door burst open, and the boy rushed in,
venison being the stimulus-to the invitation. We callingsaloud,'Please, sir, has Betty any right to
set out at five o'clock, drove in a broiling sun, on leather I?' What human gravity could stand this?
dusty roads, three miles in our best gowns, found We roared with laughter; all took part against
squire and parsons assembled in a small hot room, Betty, obtained the second course with some diffithe whole house redolent of fryin'g; talked, as is culty, bored each other the usual time, ordered our
our wont, of roads, weather, and turnips; that carriages, expecting our post-boys to be drunk, and
done, began to grow hungry, then serious, then im- were grateful to Providence for not permitting
patient. At last, a stripling, evidently caught up them to deposit us in a wet ditch. So much for
for the occasion, opened the door and beckoned  dinners in the country!
JEREMY SCRAP, THE OPTIMIST.
BY LAMAN BLANCHARD.
MORNING SONG:-It all happens for the best!
EVENING SONG:-It all happens for the best!
Sucr are the songs of Jeremy, the only ones (or were divisible-if it admitted of modification-if it
one) he ever heard, sang, or knew in this or any  were less rigid, arbitrary, positive.
world. Nay, it is the only bit of Queen's English    To have but one idea, and that not your own, is
that he has by heart; and at the very core of that better than to be quite notionless; yet this system
heart, whenever it may stop, will the sanguine let- of measuring every crooked line of life by one
ters be found stamped.                          straight rule, does involve, some difficulties and inHe said the thing soon after he was weaned, and  accuracies, no doubt. It may be very true-true
he will say it with his last breath. He says it in  as truth, in every imaginable application of it-alspring, summer, autumn, and winter. It is his cry  ways right when applied upon that particular prinat Lady-day, Midsummer, Michaelmas, and Christ- ciple which renders it impossible to be wrong; yet
mas. He utters the same note at breakfast, dinner, truth itself, we know, is sometimes attended with
tea, and supper.  He would alike proclaim  the infinite (apparent) anomalies and contradictions,
identical fact, or sentiment, at bridal or funeral, arising out of the time chosen for the utterance of
whether in Europe, Asia, Africa, or America. The it.- The truth of one: hour seems gross falsehood
song is equally poured into the ear of man, woman, the next, though truth still. The rule of right here,
and child. He has: but the one salutation, the one is the wrong rule there, though in principle right as
comfortable maxim, for friend, enemy, or stranger. ever.
He goes to bed with it sticking in his throat, and    Thus, the expression, "'It all happens for the
wakes up with it slipping from his lips. He trum- best," may well become the lips of a father, when
pets his favorite maxim in clubs, highways, steam- the exulting nurse places in his surprised and insufboats, churches, theatres, omnibuses, parlors, sleep.- ficient arms, two little new-born copies of him
ing-rooms, ball-rooms, libraries, and holes and  instead of one; but the remark does not so well
corners. He gives breath to the assertion in other apply years afterwards, when one of the twins pushpeople's houses, and in his own. He avows a like  es the other into a lime-kiln, or both conspire to
conviction on'change, on race-courses, in cities, effect *a most successful forgery of the paternal
and in country quarters. He said it when he was hand-writing lodged at the banker's.
robbed of a thousand pounds, and he would say it   Again, it all happens for the best, has a noble
if he stood in the felon's dock at the Old Bailey, and hospitable sound, when your wife's mother, and
charged with robbery in turn. If his mutton chop her three unmarried daughters, come to stay a
were done up to a chip, or if the Bank of England  month or two with you in your snug retreat, they
were to break; if he had taken a bad half-crown, having by various cross purposes been turned temor if the universal sky had fallen, his cry then, and  porarily out of their own house; yet it has not so
in all cases, would infallibly be the same:-" It all sweet a sound, but indeed a very cracked and holhappens for the best."                          low one at times, when you find that they do not
It is a grand idea, to be sure; but then it is only intend ever to go away again.
one. No matter for its not being quite new,-if it   It all happens for the best, is not by any means




1050                          JEREMY  SCRAP, THE OPTIMIST.
i lj.. I;" _ ~
an unreasonable remark, as times go, when we are son-decidedly better than another, and more wortold that our deadly enemy has been caught, while thy the endeavor to secure it. Jeremy has a freetrespassing, in a man-trap; but it has a horrid  born Englishman's perfect and unadulterated right
click, it falls with a painful report upon the ear, to rejoice, when his fields are flooded, and his crops
when we discover that our dearest friend has been  are destroyed; when his uninsured house is burnt
accidentally shot by a spring gun, while pursuing  to the ground; when he takes a leap too much,
the rascal.                                     and, breaking his hunter's neck, risks his own;But the two circumstances would be treated as in these cases, let him cry as loud as he will, "It
one by the philosophic, single-thoughted Jeremy  all happens for the best," and be as happy as the
Scrap. It all happens for the best, is his song and  new year!
his sermon. He has some party predilections; but   But his right is not so natural and clear, to raise
whether Whig or Tory come in, he is satisfied that the same cry, when his stack of hay or wheat is deit happens for the best. He is capable of ardent stroyed, not by accident, but the incendiary; when
friendship; but whether the sharer of his heart win  his favorite mare is poisoned on the eve of a race,
or lose the prize of honor and power aimed at, moves in which he was sure to lose; when a villain knocks
not the deep spring of feeling within him-either half his brains out on the highway, but only robs
way, he is sure that the best has happened. He is him of three-and-sixpence after all! It all happens
a fond husband, but if his wife were to run off with  for the best, is his sure note of comfort under
the penny-postman next St. Valentine's day, his wrongs and calamities such as these; but what
wound would gape to receive the same balm, and  right has he to rejoice in another's wrong-doing, or
the same balm would be poured into it profusely:-  to assert that the wickedness of his fellow-creatures
It all happens for the best.                    happens for the best.
When Jeremy was horsewhipped by mistake,   Jeremy is decidedly in the wrong: every thing
simply because he happened to put on a blue coat does not happen for the best. It may soothe his
with bright buttons, he found immense comfort-  bruised and aching head to reflect, that although
it all happened for the best:-the right man had  he was sorely beaten on the sconce by the highbeen spared a flogging, and the intemperate whip- wayman, he had left his purse of gold at home;
per had to pay damages all the same.            but the good little Christian philosopher should not
When he lost fifteen hundred at whist at a sit- forget, though the remembrance may trouble his
ting, he rubbed his palms together within a few  tranquil doze, that one who feels heat and cold, as
weeks, and chuckled at the agreeable recollection. he does-who had father and mother, as he hadWith that same sum of money, he had been on the  who has thought, passion, nerves, sinews, hopes,
eve of buying a little place in Essex; and the gen- fears, as he has-who has frail flesh, and soul indetleman who had taken it in his stead, had just been  structible, as he has-had committed a robbery and
tossed by a bull.                               outrage upon his fellow-broken, rashly, wilfully
Nobody has a right to find fault with Jeremy  broken, the bond of brotherhood!
Scrap's practice in all its particulars: every one is   No, Jeremy Scrap; that never yet happened for
privileged if he chooses, without injury to another, the best on any highway of the world, and it is of
thus to turn his wrongs, losses, and miseries into  no use to seek comfort in your favorite cry, or to
gains and comforts: and he is wise in so doing, attempt a universal cure with one precious mediprovided his philosophy prevent him not from see- cine.
ing, that one thing is in itself-apart from  its   But the good easy world does not hear the maxim
"happening" to the wrong person, or out of sea- in that key. It puts no such restraint upon Jeremy.




INGENIOUS DEFENCE.  QUID PRO QUO.                              1051
It considers that Scrap's wrongs and injuries, how- turn of mind-with scores of miles yet to walk, wet,
ever received, are his personal property, and that cold, famine-smitten-to such a wretch when, foothe may dance at his own funeral if he likes, without sore already, he runs a thorn through the crack in
being at all bound to consider the shock to be sus- his bit of shoe-the healing maxim, "It all happens
tained by the injured and disappointed mourners. for the best," is worse than a mockery-it is a
The world would not esteem him to be one bit in thorn run into his heart.
the wrong, if he were to treat the very worst that   Tell not such a tale to the seaman, when the ship
could befall himself with the extreme of levity;-if, is on fire; it won't do even, in this case, to tell it
for example, he were to walk off consciously and to the marines. Tell it not to the struggling trader,
deliberately to a ball and supper, having within him  when his chief debtor drops headlong into ruin,
a large poisoned dumpling which had been admin- dragging him after; nor to the inventor who lives
istered by his housekeeper, to whom he had given  to see the completed work of his brain enriching
notice that he had no idea of marrying at present. half the world, and leaving him a beggar; nor to
No, no; people would only admire his magnanimity  the author whose manuscript performs the grand
and resignation; and however large the dumpling, tour of the great publishers and is still "at home"
and replete with sugar of lead, they would be apt — until, publishing at his own cost, the critics, like
not merely to approve, but to echo his cry of con- savages, come out on the war-path, track him by
tent-" It all happened for the best."           the print he makes, and then scalp him. Whisper
The cool world, however, as we all know, warms it not in the sandy desert (in fact, never go there,
up fast enough upon occasions; and quarrel it will, if you can help it) when the great winds arise; nor
and does, with Jeremy Scrap as often as he applies to the dwellers by Etna when the lava rushes down;
the balm of his maxims to any other wounds than  nor to a luckless gentleman who loses his place
his own. This is the point —this is where his doc- under government, before he has had time to save
trine leads him into dilemmas, some of them the  his country; nor to the soldier with his frozen
most grave, some the most whimsical. If Scrap  wounds; nor to an'actor when he loses three
had his head in the lion's mouth when the lion's pounds seven by his annual benefit; nor to a nice
tail wagged, his inward expiring cry, "It all hap- little boy with the toothache. Children are often
pens for the best," would be echoed from without, very credulous, and have strong and flexile imagiwith "All right."  But when Jeremy is but a by- nations; but when you have told a kind, trusting
stander-imark this difference!-and when he sees little darling with the toothache, that "it all hapa hungry wolf scampering off with a mouthful of pens for the best," and he has believed you, bake
calf and black silk stocking, taken from the leg of him in a pie —he's not fit to live!
an unsuspecting clergyman, perambulating among    However, Scrap does this. Jeremy does it every
his flock-then this pious ejaculation, "It all hap- day, as sure as you're born. He told Kitty so when
pens for the best," has an unfailing and natural Job broke off the match after a nine years' acquainttendency to render the mutilated prop of the church  ance-she would have slapped his face, only she
more wild, with passion and resentment, than his fainted. He said the same thing when his brother,
four-legged assailant. We don't care what forti- of six persons who went up in a balloon, was the
tude and heroism clerical flesh may be capable of only one who fell out. When the " devouring eleat other seasons, when it is not undergoing any suf. ment,' which long threatened to burn down his
fering at all; but certain we are that-no flesh and  house, burnt the next door instead, he called upon
blood could bear that terrible and exasperating  his neighbor and coolly apprised him that it had
combination of tooth and tongue; the balm must happened for the best.
be an enormous aggravation of the bite.           Jeremy dined with us on Christmas-day. Then,
This, nevertheless, to the present hour, is the  when the fatal tidings reached the assembled party
gentle Jeremy's mode of prescribing comfort, under -when the shell exploded upon the dinner-tableevery form of trouble, difficulty, and affliction by  when the one pang pierced through all hearts, like
which man, or woman either, can be visited. To  a hot circling wire-when the festival had turned to
bear sorrow is the common lot-but to bear. such  funeral, and ocular demonstration had convinced all
consolation quietly is not common. In the case that "the pudding had broken," and that Smash,
which we have already taken the great liberty of the first-born of Chaos, had spiflicated that celestial
supposing-that Mrs. Scrap might run away with  globe-then, in the deepest gulf of our mortification
the postman on the 14th of February, Jeremy, if it and agony, a deeper was opened, by the old familso please him, must indulge his old reflection; but iar tone-" It all happens for the best!"  "Last
to go forth in the garb of Christian philosophy, and  Christmas-day (cried Jeremy,) Tom Gulp took plumraise this consoling, this vindicatory outcry at an- pudding three times, and he died at Michaelmas,
other gentleman's door, is, to use a strong expres- just as the goose was coming up!"
sion-another thing.                               Puddings will break, so will banks, and some say
To the weary, way-worn man, wandering in search  hearts-but that these things should happen for the
of a workhouse to his taste, or a parish that has best! Bless the little Scrap, what must his worst
within its boundaries even a pump of a Christian  be!
INGENIOUS DEFENcE.-An inveterate tippler, in a    QUID rRO Quo.-Turner, the painter, was at a
provincial town in England, was fined five shillings, dinner, where several artists, amateurs, and literary
and costs, for being found in a state of inebriation. men were convened. A poet, by way of being faHe made an elaborate appeal to the magistrate, in  cetious, proposed as a toast, " The Painters and
mitigation of punishment-and, although confessing  Glaziers of England."  The toast was drunk; and
his fault, demanded his immediate discharge, as he Turner, after returning thanks for it, proposed
had already been fined four several times for the  "Success to the Paper Stainers," and called on the
same offence.                                   poet to respond.




1052                           WOMEN AND THEIR MASTERS.
WOMEN AND THEIR MASTERS.
BY LAMAN BLANCHARD.
Most women have no characters at all.-PoPE.
No characters!  What then, thought I the other behind the vehicle he lolls in. Great conqueror
evening, as Martha entered to light the reading- and despot as he is, he does not absolutely drag the
lamp, whilst I again took up the volume which had  other sex victims at his chariot-wheels in triumph.
been laid down as the shadows of twilight came on, From what is, we infer what would be. Every woand prepared to pursue my pleasant way through  man would be a lady of quality if she could, and
the curious and original pages of "Woman and her where is the lady of quality that would be content
Master,"-what then must become of that hapless with two beings of the "superior race " behind her
majority of the female race (poor things!) who de- coach, if she could conveniently have four? Who
pend upon servitude in some shape or other for ex- are so fond of parading the costly trappings of a
istence-who, in infinite forms, and endless diversi- crowd of wretched coxcombs in livery as women?
ties of occupation, are handmaidens unto us the What fine people take such pride in their footmen
masculine ringers of bells and issuers of mandates, as fine ladies?  It would be pleasant to know what
and who, if destitute of "characters," can have no Mrs. Sparkle's rascals in peach-colored plush think
situation in society-no place in creation!      upon the great question between woman and her
It was, perhaps, the entrance of Martha that master.
turned the tide of my thoughts into this channel,   But, passing all such considerations, let us return
suddenly diverting the course of speculation from  to the race of female domestics, of whom there are
the grand subjeet of woman and her master to a about a dozen rushing at once to memory, as you
single branch of it-to the condition of one great may see them crowding round the door of a regisclassof womankind, maids of all-work, mop-spin- try office, waiting, as they would phrase it, to be
ners multitudinous, household varieties, all coming  put into black and white.  " No characters at all!"
under one sweeping denomination, though all rank- Why, every man, bachelor or Benedick, who has
ing in due degree, whether as plain cooks or pretty  looked or listened to any purpose, must have denursemaids-Betty Finnikins ad infinitum.        tected in the genus "Maidservant," instances of
Lady Morgan's researches and reflections had the most extraordinary character — character as
previously suggested a train of ideas associated, not strongly marked, as widely various, and as richly
with Woman and her Master, but with Man and his comic, as in any heroine of farce that has been seen
Mistress, which it would here be irrelevant to pur- realized to the very life on the stage by our most
sue at any length. Enough, if we turn from any  popular actresses.  What exquisite oddities and
historical facts that may be adduced in proof of the  what outrageous opposites have we not all beheld,
injustice and barbarity of the mastership which man  if we would only take the trouble to call them to
has claimed and established over woman, to con- mind. It is their mistresses generally who vow that
template the state and condition of the half-dozen  they are all alike-the mistresses, who do bear a
powdered and gold-laced lackeys whose souls hang  striking resemblance to each other, in the view they
on the breath of any mortal dowager that shall be take of the characters of the maids i! Poor drudges!
named!  Turn we to that picture, and see what a If one be slovenly, the,cry is, it's the way with
fearfully avenging spirit it portrays!  It may be them all. If another purloin the tea and sugar, for
perfectly true, for aught we know quite positively  which she has received an allowance in her amount
to the contrary, that the profligate Menelaus de- of wages, the particular judgment involves a genserted his fond and faithful wife, and then accused  eral censure, and the impossibility of finding one
her of eloping with the Trojan youth; and it may  that is honest is established. But so far from being
be equally true that Mr. Brownrigg, about a cen- like each other, the variety extends even to the
tury ago, was in reality the perpetrator of that bounds of a probability that you can't find two
atrocity in the coal-hole upon two unfortunate ap- alike. The class-likeness goes scarcely further than
prentices, of which it was the fate of poor innocent certain habits and usages common to most people
Mrs. B. to bear the punishment and ignominy. -the disposition to lie in bed of a morning as long
Still that pair of flashy -footmen yonder-specimens as they are allowed-to go to the play or the fair
of lordly superiority of man- having a soul apiece, as often or oftener than possible-to relieve the
and hanging on behind my Lady Lacklustre's car- tedium of a domesticated lot by letting in frequent
riage, as it is whisked from shop to shop and house visitors, seeing that their entertainment is as cheap
to house, on errands the most frivolous and enter- as it is cordial. All maidservants are alike perhaps
prises the least dignified imaginable —those two in other points-each possesses a box, which is
samples of the " beauty of the world," the "para- thought to contain a prayer book, a dream book,
gon of animals," the "quintessence of dust," re- and six yards of songs-with probably a lock of
duced to that extremity, are evidences of a horrible  hair, or a valentine, much worn at the folds, and
system of retaliation, and prove woman to be ex- certainly the holiday ribbons. They are all alike
ceedingly well inclined to pull down, wherever she moreover-all under forty-five-in a taste for flirtmay, the boasted dignity of the master, man.    ing with the genteeler section of the various pur-   Man to man so oft unjust           veyors who pull the area-bell every morning. But
Is always so to woman,                 else how opposite is each to each-how broadly
insists another great authority; but man is not so distinct-as different as their eyes are from their
unjust as to dress up two women in the most gro- ears!
tesque and ludicrous finery, and set them swinging    The maidservants in large towns, and in quiet




WOMEN AND THEIR MASTERS.                                   1053
country residences, in great families, and in trades- never without one. A dozen times a day she would
men's houses, are all separate classes, of course-   be put upon her defence; but you might be sure,
as apart from each other as the servant of the inn  in that case, of witnessing exactly twelve apparentmay be from the servant of the court, or as the  ly unstudied exercises of startling ingenuity in cleardrudges of the inns of court are from the select ing herself from the charge. She threw her flipsociety of ladies'-maids.  But the difference does flaps-if the metaphor may be allowed-with the
not end here; for the lady's-maid does not less re- readiest grace in the world, and so quickly, that
semble the fat scullion than one individual of a class you could never catch her off her feet. Her figresembles another. It was my fortune, in those ments were uttered with the most inartificial air
days when independent bachelorship had succeeded  ever witnessed. When you thought she had not a
to parental subjugation, to note in one queer lodg- word to say for herself, out she would come with a
ing-house a succession of Sarahs and Betsies that volume. Her system  of excuse involved a most
was almost as rapid as the transformations on the  philosophical supposition, that as human nature is
stage when six characters are sustained by one per- a more precious thing than aught else in creation,
former, but the characters themselves formed a animate or inanimate, so any thing was to be
variety beyond the ordinary reach of such repre- blamed rather than that. If this be not new in
sentations. Some are wholly forgotten, but of sev- theory, it was at least novel in practice, to the exeral the recollection remains to this hour, rendered  tent to which she carried it. Mats if she tripped,
vivid and complete by some saying or doing that coals if she scorched any thing, bore the blame.
serves as a key-note to the peculiarity of the char- As the feminine is more worthy than the neuters
acter.                                          the neuter was of course shown to be in fault.
For an example to begin with-the first that   You complained of her bringing you an unpolcomes to mind; and it happens that the catalogue, ished tumbler-" Kitty, whenever you bring me a
like the list of the ladies (not to be more particu- glass, see that it is quite bright-of all things I hate
larly alluded to) whom the poet loved, opens with  a dull glass."  Yes, I think I see her taking the
Kitty. What a curiosity she was! She ought to  glass, holding it up to the light, and pretending to
be a cabinet-minister, or a representative of the  examine it with a puzzled look, saying half to herpeople in parliament at least; not because she was self, "Curious tumblers these are, somehow; I
distinguished for punctuality in the discharge of her never seed glasses catch the fluf off the napkin like
duties, but because she was so wonderfully expert these do."  I was rash enough to set her to bring
in the art of making excuses for neglecting it. She me down a rare old china jug, prized for the sake
was certainly the most careless little chit that ever of a former possessor. Of course she broke it, and
spilt hot water over you, or left your new boots had there been two she would have broken both.
burning in the fender; but it could not be other- Into the room she came with the beautiful handle
wise; so unceasingly and so profoundly must her swinging upon her fingers, saying with the most
mind have been intent on devising excuses for neg- delicious air of simplicity and wonderment that can
ligence and vindications of her conduct. Her small, be conceived, " Dear me, well! If I wasn't coming
keen, fixed gray eye told you plainly before you so softly down stairs, and had hold of it so, when
began to find fault, that she had made up her mind just as I set my foot on the very last stair, the jug
not to admit she was in the wrong, and her lips, the let go of my hand!"  She could never be brought
instant she opened them to explain, confirmed the to admit more upon such occasions than what in
ocular assertion. It was not merely that her ex- effect amounted to this-that the smash was an act
cuses were generally first-rate, but that she was of pure volition on the part of the broken jug



105"4                           WOMEN  AND THEIR MASTERS.
that she, innocent as she was, had been sent to  it implicated others by taking upon herself to speak
fetch a very wilful and obstinate utensil, a piece of for them. Thus I overheard her one morning prechina resolutely bent on self-destruction.        facing a message I had given her for the bootThere were traces of a curious perception of cer- cleaner, with my "compliments" (she was polite
tain zoological distinctions, in some of Kitty's self- enough to call me her master, which I was not), her
defences and evasions. I remember that some small master's compliments, and he thought the boots
delicacy, or what remained of it at dinner, had been  had not been quite so well polished of late! She
specially put by for me as a relish for my breakfast; never received even a command from any one withbut when Kitty, to whose care it had been con- out a " thankee," and she always took a letter from
signed, produced it next morning, the edge of the  the postman with a nice little courtesy, and a smile
dish bore evident marks of the excursion of some  of acknowledgment that implied a sense of obligasmall four-footed invaders.  "Oh, the mice!" ex- tion for his kindness in bringing it.  "My master's
claimed my landlady in horror. "Why, Kitty, how  much obliged," she would sometimes say as she
could you now -?" etc. But Kitty was quite cer- handed the twopence. I'm  not sure that she did
tain that the muscipular footmarks could have no  not, one wet day, crown her politeness by offering
connection with the feet of a mouse; no, the dish  to come and ask me to lend the postman my umhad been where mice could never be-it was quite  brella-she was certain he would get wet —and carimpossible.                                       rying other people's letters too!
"Well, Kitty, look-do look, and believe the    One occasion I particularly recollect, and it afevidence of your own eyes."                       fords a good illustration of Ellen's sensitiveness on
"I'm  right, ma'am," said Kitty, after she had  the score of giving trouble. A man had brought
taken a careful and conscientious survey all round  me some books, for which, on delivery, she impresthe edge.  " I'm  right-and if I wasn't positive  sively thanked him; when, as he was turning away,
certain, I wouldn't say so-no, they're not our mice."  it occurred to him that he had a letter to deliver
Our mice! To detect a difference between other with the packet, and he began to search industripeople's mice and our own! Why, all the zoolo- ously in his bag. Observing the anxiety with which
gical council assembled couldn't have done it!    he pried into the corners of it, she said to him, in
Kitty was succeeded by a little damsel who was her excess of good-nature, "Oh, sir, pray don't
called Ellen, a sprightly, bright-eyed thing, far too  trouble yourself."
slight for the coarse offices allotted to her, and with    " Trouble myself!" returned the honest man, elesomething of a childish elegance about her air that vating his eyebrows rather contemptuously, "why,
might have graced a lot far different from a life of if I have a letter to deliver as well as the books, I
servitude.  Her character was as strikingly seen in  must deliver it, mustn't I?" and he proceeded with
all she did as Kitty's was. In her, the ruling prin- his search for a minute or two, when Ellen's goodciple was politeness.  To be polite was an instinct natured concern for him broke out again, with,
which she could not but obey. The first glimpse I  "I'm sorry to keep you waiting."
had of the girl, was oil the morning after she came,    "Waiting!" muttered the messenger; "why, it
when glancing from the window while dressing, I ain't you that keeps me waiting. But no, there's
saw her running down the steps very prettily, and  no letter here-certainly not-well, I thought I had
in sweet clear tones calling out, "Sir! sir, if you  one."
please!" to the dustman.  His bell drowned the    "Oh, sir!" cried Ellen, bent on tranquillizing his
small voice, but she went springing after him a little  mind, and settling the matter with the truest politeway, and I could perceive that she brought him  ness and delicacy of feeling,-" oh, sir, never mind
back with an air not less full of natural grace, but -I dare say it doesn't signify-another time, perless ostentatious, than that of the nymphs who pre- haps!"
cede the great princes in romantic operas and bal-   Ellen's stay in my landlady's service was not of
lets, and throw flowers in their path. The scene  long duration; for my landlady herself was taken
ended in her smilingly begging his pardon, and  suddenly ill, was dying. A friend of the invalid sent
would he have the kindness to come in and take  twice a day to inquire how she had slept and how
away the dust that morning! The next day, I heard  she had sat up. Ellen regularly brought down the
her tell the fishmonger's boy when he called for or- answer, "My missis's compliments, and she has had
ders, " Soles, sir, if it's quite convenient."  So com- a very indifferent night;" or, "My missis's complipletely was this principle of excessive urbanity and  ments, and she feels very weak to-day."  This went
deference a part of her nature, that it was in opera- on for six weeks, twice a day for six weeks, and
tion on all occasions, and extended to all comers. Ellen seemed to grow  more and more sensible of
It was no respecter of persons, recognized no dis- the kindness and attention every time the messentinctions, real or false;                         ger came.  The compliments were sent back as
But like the sun, it shone on all alike.  usual, but the intelligence became sadder and sadder. At length, one day, when the friendly inquiry
There was nothing-no, not a dash of the high-life- after the health of her mistress came as before,
below-stairs vulgarity in her courtesies to the gar- poor Ellen crept to the door with swollen eyes
dener or the stable-boy.  The chimney-sweep was streaming with tears, and sobbed out the melanjust as sure of a gentle and gracious reception.  In  choly answer, " My missis's compliments, and she
short, little Ellen could not, though she had tried, died this morning at eight o'clock."*  Here is the
have laid aside the bland and most urbane qualities
of her manner. As little was she capable of divesting them  of their real grace, or of having them    * A friend, to whom I related this story, thinks he has
mistaken for affected airs and mock civilities. She  heard something like it before. That may be, but it does
was polite merely because she could not help it. not disturb my fact. In recording these little whimsicaliTrue, her politeness was excessively ludicrous some- ties of character, I am recollecting, not inventing, and will
times, and now and then rather embarrassing, when  vouch for every word of them.




WOMEN  AND THEIR MASTERS.                                  1o55
" ruling passion" displaying its strength, not ex- I nine. I may be a fool, sir, but I happen to know
actly in death, but in its close neighborhood.  what three-times-three makes for all that!"  Soph
This change brought other servants, though it was incorrigible; she was a plague perpetually, and
did not render my removal necessary.  Among  longer.
them, came a girl of a most literal and matter-of-fact   But though Soph had not an iota of imagination,
turn of mind, who persisted in calling herself Sopho- the excess of the matter-of-fact of which she was
nisba, because she was so christened, but who, for made sometimes bordered on the imaginative, as
that reason, I remorselessly cut down to Soph. She  the ridiculous approaches the confines of the subnever could comprehend why the other three sylla- lime. She understood no more of Life and Death
bles should be lopped off —why people should be  than a great philosopher. If she ever conceived
called "out of their names."  The first specimen of an idea in connection with them, it was perhaps
her "characteristics" that I noticed, was when I that the second is what we may call a mere "carsent her to Longman's (years ago) to get some old  rying out " of the principle of the first-the conbook, and she brought back the answer in these  tinuation of what is. She had no notion of their
terms; "Please sir, Messrs. Longman, Hurst, Rees, being distinct or dissimilar.  It was impossible
Orme, Brown, and Green, say that the work is out that she could imagine a different state of being
of print."  She would rather have perished than  to that which, living, she experienced; nor could
omitted a partner, and she would have added "and  she-more readily understand how the present state
Co." had she found it on the doorpost.          should terminate. The somebody that was dead,
The gentleman who denied that the Duke of Wel- she could never picture to herself as in the slightest
lington could ever have reaped any of his laurels in  degree changed from the somebody that had been
India, seeing that the laurel does not grow there, alive. A winged angel was not more unapproachwas less literal than Soph. It was absolutely neces- ably raised beyond the scope of her ideas, than was
sary to speak by the card when you spoke to her; a mass of senseless clay, mute and motionless matbut even then you were not safe. Her capacity for ter, cut off for ever from the life it had held and
not comprehending, was as profound as Kitty's in- enjoyed. She knew nothing of either. She only
genuity in framing an excuse. You took especial knew that Susan Hicks, deceased, had been her
pains-say-to warn her against the hard-egg-boil- fellow-servant in this world, and she considered that
ing principle; you picked the plainest words out of Susan Hicks, when she was carried to the churchthe dictionary to impress upon her mind the simple  yard, had simply taken another situation-in short,
fact in natural philosophy, that three minutes will that she had gone to another place. We all know
suffice for the boiling of an egg. At last, you make  with what blank and unspeculative eyes a primrose
her clearly comprehend, and feel that you may safe- by a river's brim would be seen by Peter Bell,
ly calculate on a breakfast. No, the eggs come up
as before, hard as undertakers' hearts.  " Now,         A yellow primrose was to Wordsworth's oaf,
Soph," I cried out, on such an occasion, "' how is        And it was nothing more.
this? Here they are, boiled fit for a salad, in spite
of every direction. What did I tell you?"      But then, as was observed above, the acuteness of
" Oh! sir, I remember exakly what you told me, her sense of the actual, touched sometimes upon the
and acted according. The eggs was in the water, verge of the ideal, and it might be said that she
to a moment, precisely nine minutes."           dived profoundly into the very surface of things.
"Nine! I told you three."                      A simple anecdote will help to explain all this.
"Yes, sir, but there's three eggs. Of course, if When the day fixed for the funeral of her old felone takes three minutes boiling, three must take low-servant came, Soph evinced considerable sensi



1056                           WOMEN AND THEIR MASTERS.
bility on the score of the weather, which looked    "Lor! do you put citron into that pudding?
dreadfully unpromising. I suspected that Soph's Mr. Fitzcox's cook never did. I'm  sure I should
feelings were enlisted on behalf of the bombazin  never send up currant jelly with the haunch; Mr.
of the mourners, but it was not that, as I found out Fitzcox couldn't abear it."
presently. From my place near a window, it hap-   In defiance of the strictest injunction, she -conpened that I could see her coming every five min- trived to smuggle a climbing-boy up the chimneys,
utes to the garden door, to look at the clouds. because Mr. Fitzcox's flues could not be swept nice"It'll rain presently, and preciously too," was the  ly by a machine. Thus, the rules of her last place,
first cry. Then, with her hand stretched out into  which she had rigidly disregarded there, were in
the pelting shower, to feel whether it was real water your house brought into conscientious operation,
or not, "Ah! here it comes down, sure enough." and what you wished her to do would be faithfully
Then, in ten minutes more, "It's set in for the day, done for your successor.
that Ican see, with my two eyes."  (Some Sophs   The only prank that she played off at my expense
would have said, " with half an eye," but our Soph  was, first, when she was caught tampering with the
had no idea of such optical subdivisions.) How- newsman, and endeavoring to exclude the Morning
ever, the day began to promise better presently, Chronicle from the house —I fancied from a horror
and out she came again, ogling the scattered clouds, of Whig principles-but it turned out that Mr.
and decided that she shouldn't wonder if it were Fitzcox had always taken in the Morning Post;
to clear up after all; till at last, when it began to  and, secondly, during my absence for a day or two,
brighten beyond mistake, she came once more, when she must needs carry my letters and newspawith her mind now made up, "Yes, yes, it's giving  pers down to the Travellers' Club, to which I did
over now-Susan will have afine day to be buried!" not belong, because she had been in the habit of
Not a thought about the followers in bombazin-  leaving Mr. Fitzcox's there, when he was not exthe living clad' in crape at so much per yard-but pected to return home. I told her she wanted a
only about the late Miss Hicks, who was to set out much more arbitrary mistress than the one she
on a long journey. She thought of Susan as having  served; to which she answered, " I often wonder,
some business of importance to perform that day, sir, why you don't marry, and have an establishas a traveller nolens volens, or as being doomed to  ment of your own."
take, without further delay, a very serious step in    "Good heavens! why?"
life. She would have said the same thing, had it   "Why, sir, Mr. Fitzcox did!"
been a wedding that was to take place.  "Susan    Rebecca succeeded Jane, but Rebecca was overwill have a fine day to be married!"  Here, much religious, and did not stay long. I believe I
again, is the ruling passion strong in affinity with  frightened her by a habit, not very moderately indeath.                                          dulged in at that period, of spouting Hamlet's soliWhat is the name of the good doctor, who, loquies and Othello's address, before the lookingpropped up on his pillow, desired his servant to  glass of a morning, sometimes during the perilous
stir the fire and shut the door gently, for he was operation of shaving. This profane practice, with
going to die? How scrupulously, and as a matter the duty of setting out a card-table, two evenings
of regular business, would Soph have obeyed his a week, for a rubber at whist, was a shock she
orders. Rare Soph! How she used to make me  couldn't stand. All I can relate of her with cerlaugh! When she leaves her last place, and her tainty is comprised in her address to the cat, that
name is headed with a large " WANTED," in death's was muttering " deep-mouthed thunder" at the door
list of advertisements, all I can say is, may she have  of the room,' as she was quitting it one day.
a fine day to be buried!                          "Ur-r-r-rh!" Rebecca growled forth as she:
The next name in my catalogue is Jane, who was went down stairs, " ur-r —rh you! Where do you
old enough to have had a system of her own, and  expect to go to when you die? swearing in that
who invariably acquired one in whatever place she  manner!"
happened to be, but never acted upon it until she    How little do any of us remember compared with
found herself in another service. What you ex- the quantity we forget! These, such as they are,
pressly desired her to do in your own way, she did  and a dozen more quite as strongly marked, as disin point blank opposition to your orders, and ac- tinct from each other, and as consistent with themcording to the instructions she had received in her selves, were noted within the space of two or three
previous situation. This had evidently been her years.  How many maid-servants worthy to be
rule through life. She was a pattern of a servant, noted might the reminiscence of a lifetime recall to
after she had left your house.:All your regulations view! The Cloes, Flavias, and Narcissas of Pope
were sure to be observed, when she quitted your live in the rare and exquisite beauty of the paintservice. Her rule of pleasing you was simply a du- ing; but else how common!  How much of the
tiful observance of the whims of other people.  extraordinary in character is unseen in women of
Jane was quite as original in all her proceedings all ranks, merely because it is not looked for or exas any of them, an odd mixture of the tractable and  pected, or because it has not been fashionable to
the obstinate. She blundered unceasingly upon the  recognize it! Is it detected in the drawing-room
strictest system, and was so: anxious to give satis- only?  Look into the kitchen, "up stairs and down
faction that she would never' do what she was told, stairs, and in my lady's chamber;" and wherever
for fear it should be wrong...-Her best conscience  there is a woman there is a wonder.
was, that as she served you, so she had served her    " Of all the girls that were so smart," in one sense
previous master;- and though she had been inatten- or other, I have a vivid recollection of fair Fanny.
tive to his desires, she was doing him ample justice:She was a curiosity of the Nervous School. How
in your family. She interfered with every thing she used to faint away! Fainting is, in other girls,
and every body in the house, because all was not a weakness, an accident, or an expedient; in her it
arranged in the order observed in Mr. Fitzcox's es- was a principle-it was her destiny. Her ruling
tablishment. She worried the cook out of her life. passion pointed ever to a little purple cut-glass




WOMEN AND THEIR MASTERS&                                  105T
bottle, filled with pungent salts, the stopper of   There was a Sarah, too, who stayed a few days,
which was seldom allowed to remain in it more than  and claims to figure in the queer collection. She
an hour at a time. Exactly half her wages were was noticeable chiefly for her prodigious volubility,
spent in the purchase of staylaces, which were con- and a genius for the obscure. Unless she made a
tinually being cut. It came out, upon inquiry, that long speech, she was wholly unintelligible.  The
she was the victim of sensibility. Fanny had fallen  first words I heard from her, ran thus: "There's
head over heels in love-yet decorously withal —  never an umbrella in the house but two in the
with some gentleman's gentleman, who, insensible  world, and t'other two's in use."  She would have
to the value of his conquest, had accompanied his I been Irish, if any one country could have claimed
master abroad, and left her to pine and wither in  such a compound. What Sarah said, you might not
single uncomfortableness. But this would not have  understand, but you must hear, for her voice was
been her lot either, had she not, one fatal Whit- loud enough to proclaim her quarrel with some
Monday, resolved on spending the evening of her "first cousin," one evening, outside the gate.
holiday in the two-shilling gallery at Drury-lane.   "It's not," she remarked on that occasion, "as
There, for the first time in her life she saw a popu- if I'd been an infidel to you, in fact it's rather more
lar actor performing the character of Rolla. Now  not than t'other."
it might have happened to any other actor-at all   The "t'other," in both cases, is characteristic of
events that particular actor is not responsible for the exquisite confusion of meaning. But when she
the result-but it did so fall out that Fanny discov- could let her tongue fairlv loose, to wander at its
ered, or fancied she discovered, something in. the  own sweet will, then was Sarah in her glory. The
face, or voice, or manner,'or the soul that shone  windows open, we could hear her holding forth to
through the eyes of Rolla, so strangely, so startling- her companion below:ly like the faithless gentleman's gentleman in Italy,   "This Easter Sunday! Bless my soul, and such
that her heart leaped up as it never did when she bad weather!  I assure you I remember the time
beheld                                          having gooseberry-pudding for dinner on Easter
A rainbow in the sky.            Sunday; it was the time my poor mother was out
nursing at Kingston-yes, it was Kingston, KingsOne long, shrill, piercing cry of "Richard," rang  ton-on-Thames —and my sister made a gooseberrythrough the crowded theatre, setting the dear little  pudding, and I know I didn't like it; yes, my poor
child of Cora (a stunted babe of eleven) screaming  dear mother, who's dead and gone now, was nursing
with sudden terror, and then Fanny fainted. From  of Mrs. Hadlington, and I know it was Easter
that moment, fainting became a passion. It was a Sunday, for I had a new frock on, a pink stripe it
propensity that grew upon her with use, and she  was, because I remember it had wire buttons down
could no more have got through a day without it the back-it was too late on Saturday night to get
than she could have got through a week without cambric ones, so I put wire, and Mr. Macintosh
sleep. It was her constant relief, her sweetest re- came to see my sister Kate, and father wouldn't let
creation. Merely to mention the name of Rolla's him in, for he'd never seen him in his life before;
representative was at all times more than enough. but I went out for the dinner-beer-I know it was
Even the first syllable of that agitating name, as the dinner-beer, for it rained, and I had my greenarticulated by some pigeons that recreated in the  silk bonnet on-so as I was a saying, as I came back,
next garden, sufficed to send her off six times a Mr. Macintosh gave me twopence to tell Kate to
day. Nay, so strong is the sympathy, so subtle the  come out if she could, and my grandmother used to
affection, in these nervous cases, that, believe it or encourage it. Well, my sister made the pudding,
not, I only happened to make some allusion to " the  for poor dear mother that's dead and gone, this
Last of the Mohicans," while she was in the room, time eleven year, was nursing, and so Mr. Macinwithout mentioning the author's name, which she tosh used to come and stand opposite.  I often
could never have heard of, when I saw her turn  think of that time when mother was alive, and we
pale, and the little purple bottle was in additional all had a mother then, though we havn't now-yes,
requisition that morning. She used to tremble  we've got a mother-in-law, because father married
every time she saw the water butt for the supply of agin-he married the cook at Waterloo House, you
the garden-thinking from whose hands it came. know Hodgson's,-and I'm sure I shall never forget
My landlady was obliged to have her intermediate  Easter Sunday; for if you believe me, that day five
taken in in bottles-the barrel would have been  weeks Kate was Mrs. Macintosh!"
heart-breaking.                                   Call her off you might, but she would return
Poor Fanny! she used to enjoy her holiday now  three-quarters of an hour after to the scene, and
and then so much, it afforded her such leisure for take up another thread of the story-" Ah! yesgoing off; she allowed herself a double supply of and well do I remember father saying one day,
the pungent essence on those days. It was quite'Here, hem me these two white neck-handkerchiefs,'
a matter of course to be told of a morning, " Fanny just as I'm telling you, for it was a square of muslin
will finish dusting your books directly; she's only  he gave me, so I had to cut it in half; because he
going to faint;" or to hear the sensitive creature, told me he was going out on Sunday at eight o'clock
when desired by her mistress to light the candles, on a day's pleasure. Well, that happened on the
cry out, "I'll bring them in a minute or two, ma'am, 8th of May, and so I got up the next morning with
as soon as I've fainted!"  Little did she resemble  something on my mind that told me,' Sally, all isn't
Her who in sweet vicissitudes appears,  right.' So I was standing by the pump, and a lady
Of mirth and opium, ratafie and tears.  comes up and says to me,'Good morning, I think
your name's Sarah?'-' Yes, Sarah Dixon is my
Here there was no vicissitude. If there was a min- name, I was born, bred, and christened so, and I
ute of the day when she was not " going," it was shall carry it to my grave with me.''Well, Sarah,'
when she was gone. But it agreed with her, like a she says,'if you look on the table in your father's
good cry.                                       bed-room, that with the looking-glass, you will see




1058                          NOTELETS OF SAMU]EL ROGERS.
a parcel, it's for you.' Well, sure enough there was Just those comparatively few members of it who can
-something wrapped up in paper, foolscap paper, afford to employ the rest to wait upon their wills,
and a white wafer above all things. You might and do their spiritings gently. The "sex," as the
have knocked me down with a feather. Lo and  claimant of the exercise of gallantry, and the inbehold a piece of cake-wedding cake, and they'd  spirer of devotional respect, means women who hire
actually been and married. You may be sure my  other women as servants, and who don't live by
blood was up, for you must know I'm rather fiery; arranging the caps and curls, or dusting the chairs
I take after my poor dear mother for that; but she  and curtains, of other people. Where were those
was a good creature, though she's dead and gone." gentlemen educated, and at what hour of the day
Quiet home was ours, when the head of the class of may they be met with, and in what city of Europe
clacks were gone also.                           do they chiefly abide, who are gallant and tender
- -But I must come to a close, or my picture will to a maiden with a mop, unless with a view to inbe growing too large for its frame. Many a maid, jure and degrade her? The gallantry of man to the
besides this handful of Sophs and Sallys, whether of other sex, is simply a narrow-class feeling, not a
the cook, the housemaid, the servant of all-work, sentiment as universal as the eyes and breath, and
or the first-rate waiting-woman tribe, " wants a sit- language and motions of woman. It is the princiuation" in this little collection, and might say what ple that stands by its order, and stops there. The
the insulted sweep said to the dashing highwayman  lady drops her glove, and a dozen cavaliers would
at the drop, "I've as much right to be here as you  sacrifice theirs, how white and well-fitted soever,
have."  But all this time, while attracted by the  in the dust, to spare her the fatigue of even glanc" women," we have neglected their " masters." The  ing at it where it lies; but the cavalier who drops
subject at its commencement had suggested the  his glove on the staircase, will allow any waitinginditing a few paragraphs, which shall now be a maid in the house to descend and pick it up for
few sentences on that theory of gallantry and de- him. He will rush with an armful of shawls to save
votion to "the sex," the maintenance of which is, the lady " of his order" from a breath of air too
in many handsome words, held by youthful, middle- much in her way from the door to her carriage;
aged, and elderly masculines alike, to be both a but you shall observe afterwards, that he is not at
pleasure and a duty, but the practice of which, in  all shocked when the maid-servant runs out into the
so many handsome acts, is held to be neither one rain, uncovered, to bring him his umbrella. He
nor the other..                       must not serve his sister so, he dares not serve his
The sex! What does any one of us understand  wife so; still less would he dream  of serving his
by "the sex?"  What proportion of the female friend's wife so; but what does he care for Sue?
race does the word include in our ideas of its prac- "Who on earth," would the man of gallantry intical meaning?  How many women do we mean to  ternally exclaim, if required to put himself a hair's
admit the existence of, as having a right and title  breadth out of the way, —" who on earth, I should
to the exercise of that generous gallantry which we like to know, is Sue!"  That she was mere woman,
call a duty and a delight, when we speak of the sex? would go exactly for nothing.
NOTELETS OF SAMUEL ROGERS.
FROM DYCE'S "TABLE TALK."
LORD DUDLEY and WARD was celebrated in Par- ", Scott ruined! the author of Waverley ruined!
liament for his fine studied speeches. Rogers bur- Let every man to whom he has given months of
lesqued his method in an exceedingly neat, malicious delight, give him a sixpence, and he will rise toepigram, which Byron, in conversation with Lady  morrow morning richer than Rothschild."
Blessington, pronounced " one of the best in the    Rogers says, "I was to dine on a certain day
English language, with the true Greek talent of ex- with the Princess of Wales, at Kensington, and,
pressing, by implication, what is wished to be con- thinking that Ward (Lord Dudley) was to be of the
veved:"-                                       party, I wrote to him, proposing that we should go
Ward has no heart, they say. but I deny it;  together.  His answer was, "Dear Rogers, I am
Ile has a heart, and gets his speeches by it.  not invited. The fact is, when I dined there last,
I made several rather free jokes, and the Princess,
Dudley (as Lockhart remarks), took capital re- taking me perhaps for a clergyman, has not asked
taking me perhaps for a clergyman, has not asked
venge, in a review of Rogers' Columbus, in the  me back again."
Quarterly, a specimen of cool, exhausting criticism.
Rogers comes out of it like a cat taken, at the last   LADY HOLLAND, when she wanted to get rid of a
gasp, from the receiver of an air-pump.         fop, used to say, "I beg your pardon,-but I
Tuthill, by the way, has his couplet on " the joke  wish you would sit a little further off; there is
about Lord Dudley speaking by heart."  Moore something on your handkerchief which I don't
preserves it in his Diary:-                     like."
In vain my affections the ladies are seeking:  When any gentleman, to her great annoyance,
If I give up my heart, there's an end to my speaking.   was standing with his back close to the chimneyLady Blessington also tried an adaptation of it:-piece, she would call out, "Have the goodness, sir,
to stir the fire!"
The charming Mary has no mind they say;
I prove she has-it changes every day.         CHARADE.-What is it that causes a cold, cures a
cold, and pays the doctor? A draft.
It was Lord Dudley who made the remark, when
he heard of Sir Walter Scott's pecuniary disasters:   GILT UTN-COMFORT.-Mr. -'s house, the -




NOTELETS OF SAMUEL ROGERS.                                1059
is very splendid; it contains a quantity of or-molu. geon, was called out, and made his appearance in
Now, I like to have a kettle in my bed-room, to  the field stark naked, to the astonishment of the
heat a little water if necessary; but I can't get a challenger, who asked him what he meant. "I
kettle at the -., though there is a quantity of know," said H., " that if any part of the clothing is
or-molu. Lady --  says, that when she is at the  carried into the body by a gunshot wound, fester-,she is obliged to have her clothes unpacked  ing ensues; and therefore I have met you thus."
three times a day; for there are no chests-of-draw- His antagonist declared, that fighting with a man
ers, though there is a quantity of or-molu.     in puris naturalibus would be quite ridiculous; and
accordingly they parted without further discussion.
No RIGHT HERE. A friend of mine in Portland
Place has a wife who inflicts upon him every season    THE BACK TRACK.-Lord Alvanley, on returning
two or three immense evening parties. At one of home, after his duel with young O'Connel, gave a
those parties, he was standing, in a very forlorn  guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven
condition, leaning against the chimney-piece, when  him out and brought him back. The man, sura gentleman, coming up to him, said, "Sir, as nei- prised at the largeness of the sum, said, " My lord,
ther of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I only took you to -."   Alvanley interrupted
I think we had best go home."                   him, " My friend, the guinea isfor bringing me back,
HIGH GAMBLING.-When I was living in the Tem- not for taking me out."
ple, the chimneys of one of my neighbors were to   THREE IRISHMEN (I am glad that they were not
be swept. Up went two boys; and at the end of  Englishmen) went up Vesuvius. They stopped at
an hour they had not come down again. Two oth- the hermitage to refresh themselves; and while
er boys were then sent up; and up they remained  they were drinking Lachrima Christi there, the Emalso. The master of the bovs was now summoned, peror and Empress of Austria arrived. The three
who, on his arrival, exclaimed, "Oh, the idle little  Irishmen positively refused to admit them; but afrascals! they are playing at all-fours on the top of  terwards, on being told that a lady was outside,
the chimney."  And to be sure, there they were, they offered to give up half the apartment. Upon
trumping it away at their ease. I suppose spades this, the attendants of the Emperor (though against
were their favorite cards.                      his wish) speedily cleared the hermitage of the
three Irishmen, who, in a great passion, proceeded
DOUBLE DUMBMY. —Lord Seaforth, who was born  up to the crater. As they were coming down again,
deaf and dumb, was to dine one day with Lord  they met the royal personages, whom they abused
Melville.  Just before the time of the company a most heartily, calling the Empress a variety of
arrival, Lady Melville sent into the dining-room a names under her bonnet. No notice of all this was
lady of her acquaintance, who could talk with her ever taken by the Emperor: but, the story having
fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord  got wind immediately, the three Irishmen thought
Seaforth.  Presently Lord Guilford entered th  it best to decamp next morning from Naplered, their
broom; ang excited the highest indignation
began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord Guil- among the British who were resident there. I
ford did the same; and they had been carrying on  once told this anecdote at Lord Lonsdale's table
a conversation in this manner for about ten minutes, when Lord Eldon and Lord Castlereagh were preswhen Lady Melville joined them. Her female friend  ent; and the remark of Lord Castlereagh was, " I
immediately said, " Well, I have been talking away  am sorry to say that it is too true."
to this dumb man."  "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought you were dumb."  I   WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong
told this story (which is perfectly true) to Mathews; people.  It was Lord Chesterfield, not Sheridan,
and he said that he could make excellent use of it who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, that
at one of his evening entertainments; but I know  "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughnot if he ever did.                             ter."
A DUEL IN THE DARK.-An Englishman and a    LORD CHESTERFIELD remarked of two persons
Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight a dancing a minuet, that "they looked as if they
duel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being
their mutual safety, of course) that the duel should  paid."
take place in a room perfectly dark. The English-   A SCOTCH LADY, hearing that it was desirable in
man had to' fire first. He groped his way to the any danger to have presence of mind replied, "I
hearth, fired up the chimney, and brought down-  had rather have absence of body."
the Frenchman, who had taken refuge there.
"NTRL"ECE- eta  manoHORNE TOOKE, when at school, was asked by the
A "NATURAL" ExcusE.-A certain man ofpleas- boys, "what his father was?"  Tooke answered,
ure about London received a challenge from a  "A Turkey merchant."  (He was a poulterer.)
young gentleman of his acquaintance; *and they    He once said to his brother, a pompous man,
met at the appointed place. Just before the signal "You and I have reversed the natural course of
for firing was given, the man of pleasure rushed up  things; you have risen by your gravity; I have
to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently  sunk by my levity."
protested that "he could not lift his arm against   To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was
his own flesh and blood!" The young gentleman, open to all, both to the rich and to the poor, Tooke
though he had never heard any imputation cast replied, "So is the London Tavern."
upon his mother's character, was so much stagger-   He said that Hume wrote his History as witches
ed, that (as the sagacious man of pleasure had fore- say their prayers-backwards.
seen) no duel took place.
VERNON was a capital story-teller. He invented
A NAKED FACT.-Humphrey Honarth, the sur- the story about the lady being pulverized in India




1060                                A COLLEGE LAY.
by a coup de soleil:-When he was dining there  Curran's face.  He was absolutely confounded,with a Hindoo, one of his host's wives was reduced  struck dumb.
to ashes; upon which, the Hindoo rang the bell,
and said to the attendant who answered it, " Bring    GRATTAN'S UNCLE, DEAN MARLEY, had a good deal
fresh glasses, and sweep up your mistress."   of the humor of Swift. Once, when the footman
Another of his stories was this. He happened to  was out of the way, he ordered the coachman to
be shooting hyenas near Carthage, when he stum- fetch some water from the well. To this the coachbled, and fell down an abyss of many fathoms' man objected that, his business was to drive, not to
depth. He was surprised, however, to find himself run on errands. " Well, then," said Marley, "bring
unhurt; for he lighted as if on a feather-bed. out the coach and four, set the pitcher inside, and
Presently he perceived that he was -gently moved drive to the well;"-a service which was several
upwards; and, having by degrees reached the times repeated, to the great amusement of the
mouth of the abyss, he again stood safe on terra village.
firma. He had fallen upon an immense mass of
bats, which, disturbed from  their slumbers, had    LORD ELLEORO-tax was infinite wit. Whenthe
risen out of the abyss and brought him up with
them.                                         (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, in
consequence of it, to lay down-his pocket-handBEAUTY OF YOUTH. —One afternoon, at Court, I kerchief.
was standing beside two intimate acquaintances of   A lawyer one day pleading before him, and using
mine, an old nobleman and a middle-aged lady of several times the expression "my unfortunate clirank, when. the former remarked to the latter that ent," Lord Ellenborough suddenly interrupted him,
he thought a certain young lady near us was un- -" There, sir, the court is with you."
commonly beautiful. The middle-aged lady replied,   Lord Ellenborough was once about to go on the
" I cannot see any particular beauty in her."  " Ah, circuit, when Lady E. said that she should like to
madam," he rejoined, "to us old men, youth always accompany him. He replied that he had no objecappears beautiful!" (a speech with which Words- tions, provided she. did not encumber the carriage
worth, when I repeated it to him, was greatly  with bandboxes, which were his utter abhorrence.
struck). The fact is, till we are about to leave the  They set off. During the first day's journey, Lord
world, we do not perceive how much it contains to  Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck
excite our interest and admiration: the sunsets ap- his feet against something below the seat. He dispear to me far lovelier now than they were in other covered that it was a bandbox. His indignation is
years; and the bee upon the flower is now an object not to be described. Up went the window, and out
of curiosity to me, which it was not in my early  went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and
days.                                         the footmen, thinking that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary
CURRAN.-I once dined with Curran in the public chance, were going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenroom of the chief inn at Greenwich, when he talked  borough furiously called out, "Drive on!"  The
a great deal, and, as usual; with considerable exag- bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side.
geration. Speaking of something which he would Having reached the county town where he was to
not do on any inducement, he exclaimed vehement- officiate as judge, Lord Ellenborough proceeded to
ly, "I had rather be hanged on twenty gibbets." array himself for his appearance in the court-house.
"'Don't you think, sir, that one would be enough  "Now," said he, "where's my wig,-where is my
for you?" said a girl, a stranger, who was sitting at wig?"  "My Lord," replied his attendant, "it was
the table next to us. I wish you could have seen thrown out of the carriage window."
A COLLEGE LAY.
ANONYMOUS.
HERE let me read; and reading, try            Let me but try the former's "lines upon her,"
To picture these old authors in my eye:       I construe "mater pulehra" "prima donna."
But to begin with, here's an unknown word-    I lose my place, and straight the mocker plays
I ought to know it, but-oh! how absurd!      "Thou'rt gone," in fitful quavers, "from my gaze."
I'll look it out; and as with specs I con     0, that by some stern dean those notes were
The well-thumb'd dogs'-ears of my Lexicon,          stopp'd!
I'll say-oh! dash it! some one's been and torn  It's full ten minutes that that weazel's popp'd.
it;                                     And here's his bed-maker! I can't be left alone!
And there's that wretch begun to play the cornet!  What is she wanting now? Well, Mrs. Bone,
He's overhead, and will wear on his feet      " If y' please, sir, Mr. Swift, the gent up stairs,
Thick boots, with which he will try time to beat.   As says he's just a trying some new airs,
How can I ever read enough to pass,           Would be oblig'd if you'd not read so loud."
While that infern-I mean eternal brass        And here with solemn mental oath I vow'd
Pumps out that ever-varying key,              I'd buy a kettle-drum. Revenge is sweet!
Which makes attempts to say, "Remember me."   I'll try if I can't his concertos beat.
Lydia and Chloe, Horace' and Ovid's flames,   Honors divided. I'll so loudly thump it,
Are so mix'd up with waltz-suggestive names,  He'll soon revoke, without the heart to trumpet.




AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.                                1061
AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.
FROM " TABLE TRAITS."M BY DR. DORAN.
IT is all very well for Mr. Leigh Hunt to write a poem on
the "Feast of the Poets," and to show us how Apollo stood
"pitching his darts," by way of invitation to the ethereal
banquet. This is all very well in graceful poetry, but the
account is no more to be received, than the new gospel
according to ditto is likely to be by the Lord Primate and
orthodox Christians.  It is far more difficult to tell the
matter in plain prose; for, where there are few dinners,
many authors cannot well dine. It is easier to tell how
they fasted than how they fed; how they died, choked at
last by the newly-baked roll that came too late to be swallowed, than how they lived daily,-for the daily life of
some would be as impossible of discovery, as the door of
the " Cathedral of Immensities,"  wherein Mr. Carlyle transacts worship. The soul of the poet, says an Eastern proverb, passes into the grasshopper, which sings till it dies of
starvation. An apt illustration, but our English grasshoppers must not be used for the illustrative purpose, seeing
that they are far too wise to do any thing of the sort. A
British grasshopper no more sings till he dies, than a Brit-    *
ish swan dies singing: these foolish habits are left to for-?,
eigners and poetry.  Let us turn to the more reliable'!
register of our ever-juvenile friend, Mr. Sylvanus Urban.
More than a century ago, Mr. Urban, who is the only
original " oldest inhabitant," gave a " Literary Bill of Mortality for 1752," showing the casualties among books as well G
as among authors. Touching the respective fates of the former, we find the productions of the year set down as, " Abortive, seven thousand; still-born, three thousand; old age,
naught." Sudden deaths fell upon three hundred and twenty.
Three or four thousand perished by trunk-makers, skyrockets, pastry-cooks, or worm; while more than half that
number were privily disposed of: If such were the for- -
tunes of the works, how desperate must have been the diet
of the authors!  So also was their destiny. As a class,,'
they are fixed, in round numbers, at three thousand; and..
a third of these are registered as dying of lunacy. Some
twelve hundred are entered as "starved."  Seventeen were     i
disposed of by " the hangman," and fifteen by hardly more
respectable persons, namely themselves! Mad dogs, vipers,  (!       ill
and mortification, swept off a goodly number. Five pasto-             i
ral poets, who could not live by the oaten pipe, appropriately died of " fistula."  And, as a contrast to the multitude      I
" starved," we find a zero indicating the ascertained quan- 
tity of authors who had perished by the aldermlnaic malady
of "surfeit."                                           ~   m 
~!'.''1u4




1062                         AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.
There is, perhaps, more approximation to truth  three bottles of claret, and then addressed himself
than appears at first sight in this jeu d'esprit. It to the tomahawking of his reviewers and rivals.
was only in Pagan days that authors could boast of   Philoxenus, however, had his counterpart in
obesity. They dined with the tyranni, as Persian  those abbes and poets who used, in the hearing of
poets get their mouths stuffed with sugar-candy by  Louis XV., to praise Madame de Pompadour. He
the Shah Inshah. And yet Pliny speaks of poets was writing a poem called " Galatea," in honor of
feeding sparingly, ut solent poetce.  Perhaps this the mistress of Dionysius of Sicily, when he was
was only an exception, like that of Moore, who  once dining with that tyrant. There were a couple
smilingly sat down to a broil at home when not of barbels on the royal board, a small one near the
dining with "right honorables;" or contentedly  poet, and a larger one near the prince. As the latthanked heaven for "salt fish and biscuits" with  ter saw Philoxenus put his diminutive barbel to his
his mother and sister in Abbey Street, the day after ear, he asked him wherefore, and the poet replied
he had supped with the ducal viceroy of Ireland, that he was asking news of Nereus, but that he
and half the peerage of the thrle kingdoms.     thought the fish he held had been caught too young
Still, in the old times, authors took more liberty  to give him any. "I think," said Philoxenus, " that
with their hosts. In Rome they kept more to the  the old fish near your sacredness would better suit
proprieties; for a nod of the head of the imperial my purpose."  This joke has descended to Joe Milentertainer was sufficient to make their own fly  ler, in whose collection it is to be found in a modifrom their shoulders. In presence of the Roman  fled form. But the story is altogether less neat
emperor of old, an author could only have declared  than the one told of Dominic, the famous Italian
that the famous invasion of Britain, which was pro- harlequin and farce writer.  He was standing in
ductive of ship-loads of spoil, in the shape of sea- presence of Louis XIV. at dinner, when the Grand
shells, was a god-like feat. So, at the table of the  Monarque observed that his eyes were fixed on a
czar, all the lyres of Muscovy sing the Ade of eter- dish of partridges.  " Give that dish to Dominic,"
nal sameness, to the effect that the dastardly butch- said the king.  " What!" exclaimed the farceur,
ery of Sinope was an act that made the angels of "partridges and all!"  "Well," said the monarch,
God jubilant!  The Russian lyres dare not sing to  smiling with gravity, "yes; partridges and all!"
any other tune. It was not so of yore. Witness This reminds me of another anecdote, the hero of
what is told us of Philoxenus, the ode writer, whose which is the Abbe Morallet, whom Miss Edgeworth
odes, however, are less known than his acts. He in her " Ormond" praises so highly, and praises so
was the author of the wish that he had a crane's justly. But Morallet, if he loved good deeds, loved
neck, in order to have prolonged enjoyment in  not less good dinners, and he shone in both. His
swallowing. This is a poor wish compared with  talents as a writer, and his virtues as a man, to say
that of Quin, elsewhere recorded, that he might nothing of his appetite, made him especially welhave a swallow as long as from here to Botany  come at the hospitable table of Monsieur Ansu.
Bay, and palate all the way! He was a greedy fel- The abbe had learned to carve expressly that he
low, this same Philoxenus. He accustomed himself might appropriate to himself his favorite portions,
to hold his hands in the hottest water, and to gargle  -a singular instance of selfishness in a man who
his throat with it scalding; and, by this sutble train- was selfish in nothing else. It was on one of these
ing, he achieved the noble end of being able to  occasions that a magnificent pheasant excited the
swallow the hottest things at table, before the oth- admiration of the guests, and of the abb6 in parer guests could venture on them. He would have  ticular, who nevertheless sighed to think that it had
conquered the most accomplished of our country  not been placed close to him. Some dexterity was
bumpkins in consuming hasty-pudding at a fair. required so to carve it, that each of the guests
His mouth was as though it was paved, and his fel- might partake of the oriental bird; and the mistress
low-guests used to say of him, that he was an oven  of the house, remembering the abbe's skill as a carand not a man. He once travelled many miles to  ver, directed an attendant to pass the pheasant to
buy fish at Ephesus; but, when he reached the  M. l'Abbe Morallet. "What!" exclaimedthelatter,
market-place, he found it all bespoke for a wedding  "the whole of it? how very kind!"  "The whole
banquet. He was by no means embarrassed; he  of it?" repeated the lady; "I have no objection, if
went uninvited to the feast, kissed the bride, sang  these ladies and gentlemen are willing to surrender
an epithalamium that made the guests roar with  their rights to you."  The entire company gave
ecstasy, and afforded such delight by his humor, consent, by reiterating the words, "the whole of
that the bridegroom invited him to breakfast with  it!" and the man, who might have gained the Monhim on the morrow. His wit had made amends for thyon prize for virtue, really achieved a piece of
his devouring all the best dishes. It is a long way  gluttony which hardly confers honor on a hungry
from Philoxenus to Dr. Chalmers forgetting his re- clown at a fair.
past in the outpouring of his wisdom, and entering    La Fontaine at table was seen in a better light
in his journal the expression of his fear that he had  than the Abbe Morallet. A fermier-general once
been intolerant in argument. What a contrast, too, invited him to a dinner of ceremony, in the persua-.between Philoxenus and Byron, who, when dining  sion that an author who excited such general admiwith a half-score of wits at Rogers's, only opened  ration would create endless delight for the select
his mouth to ask for biscuits and soda-water, and  company, to entertain whom he had been invited.
not finding any such articles in the bill of fare, si- La Fontaine knew it well, during the whole repast
lently dining on vegetables and vinegar! The no- ate in silence, and immediately rose, to the consterble poet's fare in Athens was often of the same nation of the convives, to take his departure. He
modest character; but we know what excesses he was going, he said, to the Academy. The master
could commit when his wayward appetite that way  of the house represented to him that it was by far
prompted, or when he wished to lash his Pegasus too early, and that he would find none of the mem-into fury, as, after reading the famous attack on his bers assembled.  "I know that," said the fabulist,
poetry in the Edinburgh Review, when he swallowed with his quiet smile and courteous bow; " I know




AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.                                1063
that, but I will go a long way round."  If this St. Augustin, and after much serious discourse upon
seemed a trifle uncourteous-and it was so more in  that Christian teacher, La Fontaine, who had till
seeming than reality-it was not so much so as in  then been perfectly silent, turned to his neighbor,
the case of Byron, who used to invite a company to  the Abbe Boileau, one of the most pious men of his
dinner, and then leave them to themselves to enjoy  day, and asked him "if he thought that St. Augustheir repast. Noble hosts of the past century used  tin had as much wit as Rabelais?"  The priest
to do something like this when they gave masquer- blushed scarlet, and then contented himself with
ades. Fashion compelled them to adopt a species remarking, "M. de la Fontaine, you have got on
of amusement which they detested; but they vindi- one of vour stockings the wrong side out "-which
cated personal liberty nevertheless, for when their was the fact.
rooms were at their fullest, the noble host, quietly    The poet's query to the priest was no doubt as
leaving his guests to the care of his wife, would slip  startling as that put by the son of a renowned revaway to some neighboring coffee-house, and over a erend joker to the then Lord Primate. The anxious
cool pint of claret enjoy the calm which was not to  parent had informed his somewhat "fast" offspring,
be had at home. The late Duke of Norfolk used  that as the archbishop was to dine with him that
habitually to dine at one of the houses in Covent day, it would be desirable that the young gentleman
Garden, out of pure liking to it. He was accus- should eschew sporting subjects, and if he spoke at
tomed to order dinner for five, and to duly eat all, speak only on serious subjects. Accordingly, at
what he had deliberately ordered; but, as he one  dessert, during a moment of silence, the obedient
day detected a waiter watching him in his gastro- child, looking gravely at his grace, asked him "if
nomic process, he angrily ordered his bill, and never he could tell him what sort of condition Nebuchadentered the house again.                        nezzar was in, when he was taken up from grass?"
It was a common practice with Haydn, like his The Lord Primate readily replied, that he should
Grace of Norfolk, to order a dinner for five or six, be able to answer the question by the time he who
and then eat the whole himself. He once ordered  had made it, had found out the name of the man
such a dinner to be ready by a stated hour, at which  whom  Samson ordered to tie the torches to the
time he alone appeared, and ordered the repast to  foxes' tails, before they were sent in to destroy the
be served. "But where is the company?" respect- corn of the Philistines!
fully inquired the head waiter.  " Oh!" exclaimed    Moore loved to dine with the great; but there
Haydn, "Iam de gompany!"  But if he ate all, he have been many authors who could not appreciate
also paid for all. Moore and Bowles, in their visits the supposed advantages of such a distinction.
together to Bath, used sometimes to dine at the  Lainez was one of these, and there were but few of
White Hart, where, as Moore records, he paid his his countrymen who resembled him. One day, the
share of the dinner and pint of Madeira, and then  Duke of Orleans met him in the park at FontainBowles magnificently "stood" a bottle of claret, at bleau, and did him the honor of inviting him to
dessert. And a pleasant dinner the two opposite, dinner. "It is really quite impossible," said Lainez;
yet able, poets, made of it-'far more pleasant than  " I am engaged to dine at a tavern with half-a-dozen
Coleridge's dinner with a party at Reynolds's, when  jolly companions; and what opinion would your
he bowled down the glasses like nine-pins, because  royal highness have of me if I were to break my
they were too small to drink from copiously!    word?  Lainez was not like Madame de Sevigne,
The name of Coleridge reminds me of Dufresny, who, after having been asked to dance by Louis
an author of the time of Louis XVI., who was full XIV., declared in her delight that he was the greatof sentiment and majestic sounds, but who was con- est monarch in the world. Bussi, who laughed at
tent to live at the cost of other people, and who  her absurd enthusiasm, affirms that the fair authornever achieved any thing like an independence for ess of the famous "Letters" was so excited at the
himself. After the death of his royal patron, he  supper after the dance, that it was with difficulty
was one day dining with the Regent Duke of Or- she could refrain from  shrieking out "Vive le
leans, who expressed a wish to provide for him. Roi!"
Caprice inspired the author to say, "Your royal   Had the famous " petit pere Andr6" kept down
highness had better leave me poor, as I am, as a his impulses as successfully as Madame de Sevigne
monument of the condition of France before the  did at the supper, where, after all, she did not exregency."  He was not displeased at having his pe- claim, "Vive le Roi," it would have been more to
tition refused. A guest at his side did indeed re- his credit, and less to our amusement. The good
mark, by way of encouragement, that " poverty was father, like a better man, St. Vincent de Paul, was
no vice."  "No," answered Dufresny, sharply, excessively fond of cards, but he did not cheat, like
"but it is something very much worse."  In act the saint, for the sake of winning for the poor. He
and spirit, he was not unlike a prince of wits and  had been playing at piquet, and in one game had
punsters among ourselves, who used to set up bot- won a considerable sum by the lucky intervention
ties of champagne on his little lawn and bowl them  of a fourth king. He was in such ecstasy at his
down for nine-pins; and who, of course, left his luck, that he declared at supper he would introduce
wife and children pensioners on the charity of the  his lucky fourth king into his next day's sermon.
state and the people.                           Bets were laid in consequence of this declaration,
I have spoken of La Fontaine; he was as absent and the whole company were present when the disat table as poor Lord Dudley and Ward, whose first course was preached. The promise made at the
aberrations so alarmed Queen Adelaide. La Fon- supper was kept in the sermon, though somewhat
taine was also like Dean Ogle, who, at a friend's profanely: "My brethren," said the abb6, "there
table, always thought himself at his own, and if the  arrived one king, two kings, three kings; but what
-dinner were indifferent, he would make an apology  were they?-and where should I have been without
to the guests, and promise them better treatment the fourth king, who saved me, and has benefited
next time. So La Fontaine was one day at the ta- you?  That fourth king was He who lay in the
ble of Despreaux; the conversation turned upon  manger, and whom the three royal magi came but




1064                         AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.
to worship!"  At the dinner which followed, the  Danube, why the archbishops may stand excused.
author of the sermon was more eulogized than if he  Besides, they only drank it during their leisure
had been as grand as Bourdaloue, as touching as hours,-of which, as Hayne remarks, archbishops
Massillon, or as winning as Fenelon.            have generally four and twenty daily.
There was more wit in a cur6 of Bassa Bretagne,   But to return nearer home, and to our own auwho was the author of his diocesan's pastorals, and  thors:-Dr. Arne may be reckoned among these,
who happened to hold invitations to dinners for the  and it is of him, I think, that a pleasant story is
consecutive days of the week. He could not take  told, showing how he wittily procured a dinner in
advantage of them and perform his duty too, but an emergency, which certainly did not promise to
he hit on a method of accomplishing his desire. allow such a consummation. The doctor was with
He gave out at church, an intimation to this effect: a party of composers and musicians in a provincial
-"In order to avoid confusion, my brethren, I town, where a musical festival was being celebrated,
have to announce that to-morrow, Monday, I will and at which they were prominent performers.
receive at confession the liars only; on Tuesday, They proceeded to an inn to dine; they were acthe misers; on Wednesday, the slanderers; on  commodated with a room, but were told that every
Thursday, the thieves; Friday, the libertines; and  eatable thing in the house was already engaged.
Saturday, the women of evil life."  It need not be All despaired in their hunger, save the " Mus. Doc."
said that the priest was left during that week to en- who, cutting off two or three ends of catgut, went
joy himself without let or hindrance. And it was out upon the stairs, and observing a waiter carrying
at such joyous dinners as he was in the habit of at- a joint to a company in an adjacent room, contrived
tending that most of the sermons, with startling  to drop the bits of catgut on the meat, while he adpassages in them, like those of Father Andr6, were  dressed two or three questions to the waiter. He
devised. Thus, the Cordelier Maillard, the author then returned to his companions, to whom he intiof various pious works, at a dinner of counsellors, mated that dinner would soon be ready.  They
announced his intention of preaching against the  smiled grimly at what they thought was a sorry
counsellors' ladies,-that is, against their wives, or joke, and soon after, some confusion being heard
such of them that wore embroidery. And well he in the room to which the joint which he had ornakept his word, as the following choice flowers from  mented had been conveyed, he reiterated the assurthe bouquet of his pulpit oratory will show: " You  ance that dinner was coming, and thereupon he left
say," he exclaimed to the ladies in question, "that the room. On the stairs he encountered the waiter
you are clad according to your conditions; all the bearing away the joint, with a look of disgust in his
devils in hell fly away with your conditions, and  face. "Whither so fast, friend, with that haunch
you too, my ladies! You will say to me, perhaps, of mutton?" was the query. "I am taking it back
Our husbands do not give us this gorgeous apparel, to the kitchen, sir; the gentlemen cannot touch it.
we earn it by the labors of our bodies. Thirty  Only look, sir," said William, with his nose in the
thousand devils fly away with the labors of your direction of the bits of catgut; "it's enough to
bodies, and you too, my ladies!"  And, after dia- turn one's stomach!" "William," said Arne, gravetribes like these against the ladies in question, the  ly, "fiddlers have very strong stomachs; bring the
Cordelier would dine with their lords, and dine mutton to our room."  The thing was done, the
sumptuously too. The dinners of the couisellors haunch was eaten, the hungry guests were delightof those days were not like the Spanish dinner to  ed, but William had ever afterwards a contempt for
which an author was invited, and which consisted  musical people; he classed them with those barbaof capon and wine, two excellent ingredients, but rians whom he had heard the company speak of
unfortunately, as at the banquet celebrated by  where he waited, who not only ate grubs, but deSwift, where there was nothing warm but the ice, dared that they liked them.
and nothing sweet but the vinegar, so here the ca-   Martial was often as hardly put to it to secure a
pon was cold and the wine was hot. Whereupon, dinner as any of the authors I have hitherto named.
the literary guest dips the leg of the capon into the  He was fond of a good dinner, ut solenot poet(e; and
flask of wine, and being asked by his host wherefore  he knew nothing better than a hare, followed by a
de did so, replied, " I am warming the capon in the  dish of thrushes. The thrush appears to have been
wine, and cooling the wine with the capon."     a favorite bird in the estimation of the poets. The
The host was not such a judge of wine, apparent- latter may have loved to hear them sing, but they
ly, as the archbishops of Salzbourg, who used not loved them better in a pie. Homer wrote a poem
indeed to write books, nor indeed read them, but on the thrush; and Horace has said, in a line, as
who used to entertain those who did, and then  much in its favor as the Chian could have said in
preach against literary vanity from those double- his long and lost poem,-" nil melius turdo."  Marbalcony pulpits which some of my readers may re- tial was, at all events, a better fed and better
collect in the cathedral of the town where Paracel- weighted man than the poet Philetas of Cos, who
sus was wont to discourse like Solon, and to drink  was so thin that he walked abroad with leaden balls
like Silenus; and before whose tomb I have seen  to his feet, in order that he might not be carried
votaries, imploring his aid against maladies, or away by the wind. The poet Archestratus, when
thanking him for having averted them! It is said  he was captured by the enemy, was put in a pair of
of one of these prince primates that when, on the  scales, and was found of the weight of an obolus.
occasion of his death, the municipal officers went to  Perhaps this was the value of his poetry! It was
place the seals on his property, they found the li- the value of nearly all that was written by a gastrobrary sealed up exactly as it had been done many  nomic authoress in France; I allude to Madame de
years before, at the time of the decease of his pre- Genlis, who boasts in her Memoirs, that having
decessor. Such, however, was not the case with  been courteously received by a certain German,
the wine-cellars. What the archiepiscopal wine is she returned the courtesy by teaching him how
at Salzbourg, I do not know, but if it be half as to cook seven different dishes after the French
good as that drank by the monks of Mi1lk, on the fashion.




AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.                                1065
The authors of France have exhibited much ca- less about Westminster, Nahum Tate enduring sanec
price in their gastronomic practice; often profess- tuary and starvation in the Mint, Savage wantonly
ing in one direction, and acting in its opposite. incurring hunger, and Otway strangled by it, introThus, Lamartine was a vegetarian until he entered  duce us to authors with whom "dining with Duke
his teens. He remains so in opinion, but he does Humphrey," was so frequent a process, that each
violence to his taste, and eats good dinners for the  shadowy meal was but as a station towards death.
sake of conforming to the rules of society! This    When Goldsmith "tramped" it in Italy, his flute
course in an author, who is for the moment rigidly  ceased to be his bread-winner, as it had been in
republican when all the world around him is mon- France; the fellow-countrymen of Palestrina were
archical, is singular enough. Lamartine's vegetari- deaf to "Barbara Allen," pierced from  memory
an taste was fostered by his mother, who took him  through the vents of an Irish reed. Goldsmith,
when a child to the shambles, and disgusted him  therefore, dropped his flute, and took up philosowith the sight of butchers in activity on slaughter- phy; not as a dignity; he played it as he had done
ing days. He for a long time led about a pet lamb  his flute, for bread and a pillow. He knocked at
by a ribbon, and went into strong fits at a hint from  the gate of a college instead of at the door of a
his mother's cook, that it was time to turn the said  cottage, made his bow, gave out a thesis, supported
pet into useful purposes, and make tendrons d'agneau  it in a Latin which must have set on edge the teeth
of him. Lamartine would no more have thought of his hearers, and, having carried his exhibition to
of eating his lamb, than Emily Norton would have  a successful end, was awarded the trifling and cusdreamed of breakfasting on collops cut from her tomary honorarium, with which he purchased bread
dear white doe of Rylston. The poet still main- and strength for the morrow.  No saint in the
tains, that it is cruel and sinful to kill one animal in  howling wilderness lived a harder life than Goldorder that another may dine; but, with a sigh for smith, during his struggling years in London; the
the victim, he can eat heartily of what is killed, table traits, even of his days of triumph, were someand even put his fork into the breast of lamb with- times colored unpleasingly. I am not sure if Goldout compunction,-but all for conformity!  He  smith was present at the supper at Sir Joshua's,
knows that if he were to confine himself to turnips, when Miss Reynolds, after the repast, was called
he should enjoy better health and have a longer upon as usual to give a toast, and not readily retenure of life; but then he thinks of the usages of membering one, was asked to give the ugliest man
society, sacrifices himself to custom, and gets an  of her acquaintance, and thereon she gave "Dr.
indigestion upon truffled turkey.               Goldsmith;" the name was no sooner uttered than
Moore, in his early days in London, used to dine Mrs. Cholmondeley rushed across the room, and
somewhere in Marylebone with French refugee  shook hands with Reynolds by way of approval.
priests, for something less than a shilling. Dr. What a sample of the manners of the day, and how
Johnson dined still cheaper, at the "Pine Apple,"  characteristic the remark of Johnson, who was presin New-street, Covent Garden-namely, for eight- ent, and whose wit, at his friend's expense, was repence. They who drank wine paid fourpence more  warded by a roar, that "thus the ancients, on the
for the luxury, but the lexicographer seldom took  commencement of their friendships, used to sacriwine at his own expense; and sixpennyworth of fice a beast between them!"  Cuzzoni, when found
meat, one of bread, and a penny for the waiter, suf- famishing, spent the guinea given her in charity, in
ficed to purchase viands and comfort for the author a bottle of tokay and a penny roll. So Goldsmith,
of the "Vanity of Human Wishes."  Boyce, the  according to Mrs. Thrale, was "drinking himself
versifier, was of quite another kidney; when he lay  drunk with Madeira," with the guinea sent to rescue
in bed, not only starving, but stark naked, a com- him from hunger by Johnson. But let us be just
passionate friend gave him half-a-guinea, which he to poor Oliver. If he squandered the eleemosynary
spent in truffles and mushrooms, eating the same in  guinea of a friend, he refused roast beef and daily
bed under the blankets.  There was something  pay, offered him by Parson Scott, Lord Sandwich's
atrociously sublime about Boyce. Famine had pret- chaplain, if he would write against his conscience,
ty well done for him, when some one sent him a and in support of government; and he could be
slice of roast-beef, but Boyce refused to eat it, be- generous in his turn to friends who needed the excause there was no catsup to render it palatable.    ercise of generosity. When Goldsmith went into
It must have been a sight of gastronomic pleasure  the suburban gardens of London to enjoy his " shoeto have seen Wilkes and Johnson together over a makers' holiday," he generally had Peter Barlow
fillet of veal, with abundance of butter, gravy, stuf- with him. Now Peter's utmost limit of profligacy
fing, and a squeeze of lemon. The philosopher and  was the sum of fifteen-pence for his dinner; his
the patriot were then on a level with other hungry  share would sometimes amount to five shillings, but
and appreciating men.  Shallow, with his short- Goldsmith always magnificently paid the difference.
legged hen, and Sir Roger de Coverley over hasty- Perhaps there are few of the sons of song who dined
pudding, are myths; not so Pope with stewed regi- so beggarly, and achieved such richness of fame, as
cide lampreys, Charles Lamb before roast pig, or Butler, Otway, Goldsmith, Chatterton, and, in a less
Lord Eldon next to liver and bacon, or Theodore  degree of reputation, but not of suffering, poor GeHook bending to vulgar pea-soup. These were rich  rald Griffin, who wrestled with starvation till he berealities, and the principal performers in them had  gan to despair. Chatterton did despair, as he sat
not the slightest idea of affecting refinement upon  without food, hope, and humility; and we know
such subjects. Goldsmith, when he could get it, what came of it. Butler, the sturdy son of a Worhad a weakness for haunch of venison; and Dr. cestershire farmer, after he had astonished his conYoung was so struck with a broiled bladebone, on  temporaries by his " Hudibras," lived known but to
which Pope regaled him, that he concluded it was a few, and upon the charity or at the tables of them.
a foreign dish, and anxiously inquired how it was But he did not, like the heartless though sorelyprepared. Ben Jonson takes his place among the  tried Savage, slander the good-natured friends at
lovers of mutton; while Herrick, wandering dinner- whose tables he drew the support of his life. As




1066                         AUTHORS AND THEIR DIETETICS.
for Otway, whether he perished of suffocation by  the illustrious pair were seated together, after dinthe roll which he devoured too greedily after long  ner, over a dessert of Tasso's favorite chestnuts and
fasting, or whether he died of the cold draught of some generous wine; and there he aifrighted his
water, drank when he was overheated, it is certain  friend by maintaining that he was constantly atthat he died in extreme penury at the " Bull," on  tended by a guardian spirit, who was frequently
Tower lill,-the coarse frequenters of the low pub- conversing with him, and in proof of the same, he
lie-house were in noisy revelry round their tables, invited Manco to listen to their dialogue. The host
while the body of the dead poet lay, awaiting the  replenished his glass and announced himself ready.
grave, in the room adjacent.                    Tasso fell into a loud rhapsody of mingled folly and
The table life of Peter Pindar was a far more joy- beauty, occasionally pausing to give his spirit an
ous one than that of much greater poets. At Truro  opportunity of speaking; but the remarks of this
he was noted for his frugal fare, and he never de- agathodwimon were inaudible to all but the ears of
parted from the observance of frugality of living  the poet. The imaginary dialogue went on for an
throughout his career. He would sometimes, we hour; and at the end of it, when Tasso asked Manco
are told, when visiting country patients, and when  what he thought of it, Manco, who was the most
he happened to be detained, go into the kitchen  matter-of-fact man that ever lived, replied that, for
and cook his own beefsteak, in order to show a his part, he thought Tasso had drunk too much
country cook how a steak was done in London,-  wine and eaten too many chestnuts. And truly I
the only place, he said, where it was properly  think so too.
cooked. He laughed at the faculty as he did at the    The greatest of authors are given to the strangest
king, and set the whole profession mad by sanction- of freaks. Thus, one of the most popular of the
ing the plentiful use of water, declaring that physic  teachers of the people presided at a gay tavern
was an uncertain thing, and maintaining that in  supper the night before the execution of the Manmost cases all that was required on the doctor's part nings. The feast concluded, the party (supplied
was "to watch nature, and when she was going  with brandy and biscuits) proceeded to the disgustright, to give her a shove behind."  He was accus- ing spectacle, where they  occupied  "reserved
tomed to analyze the drugs which he had prescribed  seats;" and when all was done, the didactic leader
for his patients, before he would allow the latter to  of the revellers and sight seers thought he compenswallow them; and he gave a decided county bias sated for his want of taste, by pronouncing as
against pork by remarking of a certain apothecary  " execrable" the taste of those who, like George
that he was too fond of bleeding the patients who  Selwyn, could find pleasure in an execution. But
resorted to him, and too proud of his large breed  there are few meni so inconsistent as didactic auof pigs. The inference was certainly not in favor thors. Pope taught, in poetry, the excellence of
of pork. Peter's practical jokes in connexion with  moderation; but he writes to Congreve, in 1715,
the table were no jokes to the chief object of them. that he sits up till two o'clock over burgundy and
Thus, when a pomipous Cornish member of parlia- champagne; and he adds, " I am become so niuch
ment issued invitations for as pompous a dinner to  of a rake that I shall be ashamed, in a short time,
personages of corresponding pomposity, "Peter,"  to be thought to do any sort of business."  But
recollecting that the senator had an aunt who was a Pope's table practice, like. Swift's, was not always
laundress, sent her an invitation in her nephew's of the same character. The dean, writing to Pope,
name, and the old lady, happy and proud, excited  in the same year, that the latter tells Congreve (a
universal surprise, and very particular horror in the  dissolute man at table, by the way) of his sitting
bosom of the parliament-man, by making her ap- over burgundy and champagne till two in the mornpearance in the august and hungry assembly, who  ing, speaks of quite another character of life: "You
welcomed her about as warmly as if she had been a are to understand that I live in a corner of a vast
" boule asphyxiante " of the new French artillery  unfurnished house. My family consists of a stewpractice.                                       ard, a groom, a helper in my stable, a footman, and
It is going a long way back to ascend from "' Pin- an old maid, who are all at board wages; and when
dar " to Tasso, but both poets loved roasted chest- I do not dine abroad, or make an entertainment,nuts,-and there is the affinity. Peter never drank  which last is very rare,-I eat a mutton pie, and
any thing but old rum; a wine glass, (never be- drink half a pint of wine."  Pope's habit of sleeping
yond a wine glass and a half,) served him for a day, after dinner did not incline him to obesity, and it
after a dinner of the plainest kind. The doctor es- was a habit that the dean approved. Swift told
chewed wine altogether, at least in his latter days, Gay that his wine was bad, and that the clergy did
as generating acidity. Tasso, however, unlike our not often call at his house; an admission in which
satirical friend, was a wine-bibber. During the im- Gay detected cause and effect. In the following
prisonment which had been the result of his own  year to that last named, Swift wrote a letter to
arrogance, he wrote to the physician of the Duke  Pope, in which I find a paragraph affording a table
of Ferrara, complaining of intestinal pains, of trait of some interest: " I remember," he says,
sounds of bells in his ears, of painful mental images " when it grieved your soul to see me pay a penny
and varying apparitions of inanimate things appear- more than my club, at an inn, when you had maining to him, and of his inability to study. The doe- tained me three months at bed and board; for
tor advised him to apply a cautery to his leg, ab- which, if I had dealt with you in the Smithfield
stain from wine, and confine himself to a diet of way, it would have cost me a hundred pounds,
broths and gruels. The poet defended the sacred- for I live worse here (Dublin) upon more. Did you
ness of his appetite, and declined to abstain from  ever consider that I am, for life, almost twice as
generous wine; but he urged the medico to find a rich as you, and pay no rent, and drink French
remedy for his ills, promising to recompense him  wine twice as cheap as you do port, and have neifor his trouble, by making him immortal in song. ther coach, chair, nor mother?" Pope illustrates
At a later period of his life, when he was the guest Bolingbroke's way of living as well as his own some
of his friend Manco, in his gloomy castle of Bisaccio, years later. The reveller till two in the morning,




ANECDOTES OF JAMES SMITH.                                 1067
of the year 1715, is sobered down to the most tern- have had nothing for dinner but mutton broth,
perate of table men, in. 1728. "My Lord Boling- beans and bacon, and a barn-door fowl;" after all,
broke's great temperance and economy are so sig- no bad fare either, for peer or poet! Swift too, at
nal, that the first is fit for my constitution, and the this period, boasts no longer of his " French wines."
latter would enable you to lay up so much money  His appetite is affected by the appalling fact, that
as to buy a bishopric in England. As to the return  the national debt amounts to the unheard-of sum of
of his health and vigor, were you here, you might seven millions sterling! and thereupon he says: "I
inquire of his haymakers. But, as to his temper- dine alone on half a dish of meat, mix water with
ance, I can answer, that, for one whole day, we my wine, walk ten miles a-day, and read Baronius."
ANECDOTES OF JAMES SMITH.
THE REJECTED ADDRESSES. —" The fame of the  way-was the observation of James Smith to Thomas
brothers, James and Horatio Smith, was confined  Hill.  "Hill," said the former gentleman, "you
to a limited circle, until the publication of "The  take an unfair advantage of an accident; the regRejected Addresses."  James used to dwell with  ister of your birth was burnt in the great fire of
much pleasure on the criticism of a Leicestershire  London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance
clergyman: "I do not see why they (' The Ad- to give out that you are younger than you are."
dresses') should have been rejected; I think some
of them very good."  This, he would add, is al-   TEMPERANCE CRUETS.-James Smith was often
most as good as the avowal of the Irish Bishop, seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinthat there were some things in "Gulliver's Travels " ner to half a pint of sherry; whence he was desigwhich he could not believe.                     nated an incorporated temperance society. To do
A CLOSE ESCAPE. One of James Smith's favorite him justice, however, this was not his choice; he
anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel diluted it with frequent tears.; he was restricted,
not by virtuous sobriety, but by vicious gout, of
requested young James to call at his lodgings, and, not by virtuous sobriety, but by  iious gout, of
which he stood, or rather sat, in awe. But for this,
in the course of their first interview, related the par- there wouod hav e been no s uch small bottle of that
ticulars of the most curious circumstance in his life.
He was taken prisoner during the American war, liquid, to remind the observer of Pope's Avidien
along with three other officers of the same rank; one and his wife (Lady M. W. Montague, and her then
evening they were summoned into the presence of antiquated spouse):Washington, who announced to them that the con-        One frugal cruet served them both to dine,
duct of their government in condemning one of his     And pass'd at once for vinegar and wine.
officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make The late Sir William Aylett a grumbling member
The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member
reprisal; and that, much to his regret, he was un- of the Union, and a two bottle-man, observing Mr.
der the necessity of requiring them  to cast lots, Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet
without delay, to decide which of them should be with contempt, and exclaimed, g  S I see you have
hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned                     exclaimed, "So I see you have
hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned  got one of those d-d life-preservers."
to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put
into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain    THE GOUTY SHOE.-James Smith used to tell, with
Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; great glee, a story showing the general conviction
I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my  of his dislike to realities. He was sitting in the
life."'As Greville told the story, he was selected      t a country house, when a gentleman proto sit up with Captain Asgill, under pretext of library a..to sit up             posed a quiet stroll in the pleasure grounds:companionship; but in reality to prevent him from  "Stroll! why don't you see my gouty shoe?"
escaping, and leaving the honor amongst the re- "Yes I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd
maining three. "And what," inquired Smith, " did
you say to comfort him?"  "Why  I rm b brought one, too; but they are all out now."
"Well, and what then?"  "What then? why, my
saying to him, when they left us,' D-n it, old fel-    and what then?"  "What then? why, my
dear fellow you don't mean to say that you have
low, never mind," but it may be doubted (added  ea ow, you don't mean to say that you have
Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the really got the gout? I thought you had only put
Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the           s
exhortation.  Lady Asgill persuaded the French  on that shoe to get off being shown over the imexhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French provements."
Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.                                 THE BLOOD.-Two gentleman were discussing, in
TOP AND BOTTOM.-The following playful colloquy  James Smith's company, the color of the blood.
in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir "You say," cried one, "that our blood is at first
George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven  quite white. I will credit it, if you can also tell me
street, Strand, where he resided:-              in what stage (of circulation) it becomes red?"
J. S.-At the top of my street the attorneys abound,  "Tell him," whispered Smith, "in the Reading
And down at the bottom the barges are found:  stage, of course."
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
For there's craft in the river, and craft in the street.    JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYv.-Formerly,
Sir J. R.-Why should honesty fly to some safer retreat,   it was customary, on emergencies, for the judges
From attorneys, and barges, od rot'em?   to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith
For the lawyers are just at the top of the street,
And the barges are just at the bottom. the street,   was desired by his father to attend a judge's chambers for that purpose, but being engaged to dine
UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.-One of the best things in Russell-square, at the next house to Mr. Justice
lately said upon age-a very ticklish subject, by the  Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save him



1068              THE CLAPHAM  CHALYBEATE.-MY  WIFE'S MOTHER.
self the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party  but-" " Sir, I wish you a good evening." Though
at eight, by dispatching his business at once; so, Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never
a few minutes before six, lie boldly knocked at the was more frightened.
judge's, and requested to speak to him on particular business. The judge was at dinner, but came    THE Two SMITHS.-A gentleman with the same
down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then  Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same
gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that house with Janles Smith. The consequence was,
induced our friend to disturb him at that hour. As eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the
Smith told the story, he raked his invention for a postman had no alternative but to share the letters
lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted  equally between the two. " This is intolerable, sir,"
out the truth:-" The fact is, my lord, I am en- said our friend, " and you must quit."  "Why am
gaged to dine at the next house-and-and" —" And, I to quit more than you?"  " Because you are
sir, you thought you might as well save your own  James the Second, and must abdicate."
dinner by spoiling mine?" "Exactly so, my lord,
THE CLAPHAM CHALYBEATE.
BY JAMES S.MITH.
WHo has ne'er been at Clapham must needs know To steal unawares on the Empress of Ooze,
the pond                                   And cart off her insolent mud.
That belongs to Sir Barnaby Sturch;'Tis well stock'd with fish; and the knight's rather The innocent natives were borne from the bog,
fond                                       Eel, minnow, and toad felt the shovel,
Of bobbing for teaich or for perch.          And lizard-like eft lay with fugitive frog
In a clay-built extempore hovel.
When he draws up his line, to decide if all's right,
Moist drops o'er his pantaloons dribble;     The men worked away with their hands and their
Though seldom, if ever, beguiled by a bite,          feet,
He now and then boasts of a nibble.            And delved in a regular ring;
When lo! as their taskwork was all but complete,
Vulgar mud, very like vulgar men, will encroach  They wakened a mineral spring.
Unchecked by the spade and the rake;
In process of time it enveloped the roach      "We've found a Chlalybeate, sir," cried the men;
In Sir Barnaby's Lilliput lake.                "We halt till we know what your wish is ""Keep it safe," quoth the knight, " till you've finFive workmen, well armed, and denuded of shoes,      ish'd, and then
Now fearlessly delved in the flood;            Throw it back with the rest of the fishes."
MY WIFE'S MOTHER.
BY JAMES SMITH.
MY uncle George was never easy till he got all what Bucks Lodge are you a iioble brother?"
the males of the family married. He has said to  "Why do you ask?" said he. "Because," replied
me, at least a hundred times, " John, I'm surprised I, " you seem to think men are like masonry-never
you don't settle."  I did not at first understand his to be depended upon till they settle."
meaning. I was walking with him in the Temple   As we walked homeward, we saw that adventurGardens, and while we were in the act of contem- ous aeronaut Garnerin flying over our heads; and
plating the beauties of the majestic Thames-I while we were wondering at his valor, he cut the
allude to a man in a red night-cap walking to and rope that fastened his balloon to his parachute, and
fro on a floating raft of tied timbers, and a coal- began to descend in the latter towards the earth.
barge embedded in mud-he stopped short on the My uncle George began to run as fast as his legs
gravel walk, and said, "John, why don't you set- could carry him, looking all the while so intently
tie?"  Concluding that he was tired, I answered, upwards, that he did not advert to a nurse-maid
"Oh, by all means," and sat down in the green  and two children, whom he accordingly upset in his
alcove at the eastern extremity of the footpath. course, and nearly precipitated into the subjacent
"Pho!" said my uncle, " I don't mean that; I mean, ooze. " What's the matter, uncle?" said I. " Matwhy don't you marry? There's your brother Tom  ter!" answered my outinian relative, " why, I'm
settled, and has had seven children, not reckon- going to look after Garnerin; I shall never be easy
ing two who died of the measles; and Charles is till I see him settled."
settled, and he has nine; his eldest boy, Jack, is  In process of time, my uncle began to be serioustall enough to thump him; and Edward is settled, ly displeased at my not settling. Population, he
at least he will be, as soon as Charlotte Payne has seemed to opine, was on the wane; and if anything
made up her mind to live in Lime-street. I wonder should happen to my brothers Tom and Charles,
why you don't settle."  " Pray, uncle," said I, "of and their respective families, not omitting Edward




MY WIFE' S MOTHER.                                   1069
and his issue, when his intended wife should have to the organ-the kitchen jack to the kitchen fire
conquered her repugnance to Lime-street, what -the verb that governs the accusative case. Mrs.
would become of the House of Jackson? It might Cumming has acquired, from the pressure of time,
be dead, defunct, extinct, like the Plantagenets and  rather a stoop in her gait; but whenever my wife
Montmorencies of other days, unless I, John Jack- is in the family-way, my wife's mother is as tall and
son, of Finsbury Circus, underwriter, became acces- perpendicular as a Prussian life-guardsman. Such
sary to its continuation.                       a bustling about the house, such a cry of " hush "
The dilemma was awful, and my uncle George to the pre-existent children, and such a bevy of dihad money to leave. I accordingly resolved to fall rections to Jane! The general order given to my
in love. This, however, I found to be a matter wife is to lie fiat upon her back and look at nothing
more easily resolved upon than accomplished. A  but the fly-trap, that hangs from the ceiling. For
man may fall in a ditch whenever he pleases —he  five months out of the twelve, my wife is parallel
must fall in love when and where he can.        to the horizon, like a good quiet monumental wife
My mother recommended Susan Roper to me as in Westminster Abbey, and my wife's mother is
a suitable match; and so she was, as far as circum- sitting beside her with a bottle of eau de Cologne
stances extend. Her father was a reputable coal- in one hand, and one of my book-club books in the
merchant, living in Chatham-place; I tried very  other.
much to be in love with her, and one warm evening    By the way, talking of book-clubs, it makes a
when she sang "Hush every breeze," in a boat great difference, as to the utility of those instituunder the second arch of Blackfriars bridge, and  tions, whether the members of them are married or
accompanied herself upon the guitar, I thought single. My wife's mother is a woman of uncommon
that I was in love-but it went off before morning. purity of mind, and so consequently is my wife.
I was afterwards very glad it was so, for Susan  We have accordingly discarded our Malone and
Roper turned out very fat, and ate mustard with  Steevens, to make way for Bowdler's.Family Shakher roast beef. She married Tom Holloway, the  spere.  My expensive quarto edition of Paradise
Policy Broker, and I wished him joy. I wish it Lost, printed in the year 1794, is dismissed to an
him still, but I doubt the efficacy of my prayers, empty garret, because it contains cuts of our first
inasmuch as his wife's visage bears a strong resem- parents undecorated by the tailor and milliner. It
blance to the illuminated dial-plate of St. Giles's is to be succeeded by a Family Milton, edited by
church clock.                                   the late Mr. Butterworth, in which our aforesaid
My next affair was more decisive in its result. progenitors are clad, like the poet's own evenings,
Old Mrs. Cumming, of St. Helen's-place, Bishops- "in sober gray."  My wife's mother is herself editgate-street, had a daughter named Jane, who taught ing a Family.Esop, in which old Menenius Agrippa's
me some duets. We sang " When thy bosom heaves fable of the belly and the members is denominated
a sigh,"-" Take back the virgin page," —and  the stomach and the members. Our family nomen" Fair Aurora," with impunity; but when it came  clature is equally unexceptionable. Water, accordto i" Together let us range the fields," where the ing to us, is the elemental fluid; a mad dog is a rabid
high contracting parties talk about "tinkling rills"  animal; little Charles was yesterday rebuked for
and "rosy beds," the old lady, who had hitherto sat alleging that he had seen a mad bull, and informed
in seeming carelessness on the sofa, hemming doy- by my wife's mother that the animal, which had exleys, requested to speak with me in the back-draw- cited his fears, was an over-driven ox. A pair of
ing-room, and, after shutting the door, asked me trousers is the rest of a man's dress; newspaper
my intentions. My heart was in my mouth, which  reporters are gentlemen connected with the press;
plainly implied that it was still in my own keeping. and a sheep-stealer, making his exit under the galNevertheless, I had no answer ready; so Jane Cum- lows, is not hanged, but launched into eternity.
ming and I were married on that day month.        Neither do our obligations to my wife's mother
My uncle George was so delighted at my being  end here. Our workmen she has changed too persettled, Wat, after making us a present of a silver atives; and by parity of reasoning she would have
coffee-pot, he exclaimed, "I shall now die happy;" denominated the parish workhouse an opera-house,
an intention, however, which he has since shown  had she not been apprehensive in doing so she
himself in no hurry to carry into effect.       might then cause Miss Fanny Ayton, in error, to
Now came my wife's mother into play. Sparrows call upon us in quest of a re-engagement. Old Bethleave their daughters to shift for themselves the  lem is already Liverpool-street, and we only wait
moment they are able to take to the wing. (My  to see Edinburgh fairly launched as the modern
uncle George calls this barbarous, and says they  Athens, to call Broker's Row Cabinet Crescent.
should wait till they are settled.) But in Christian    But to return a while to our book-club. My wife
countries, like England, one's wife's mother is not and my wife's mother have an amazing knack of
so unnatural. Mrs. Cumming lives, as I before  grasping all the quartos and octavos that come to
mentioned, in St. Helen's-place; I reside in Fins- my share. They all get into my wife's boudoir, as
bury Circus; so that the old Lady has only to cross my wife's mother has christened it, whei ~e they
Bishopsgate-street, pass the churchyard, and issue seldom emerge till a week or ten days after they
through the iron bars at the base of Broad-street- are transferable. This costs me an extra sixpence
buildings, and here she is. This makes it so very  per book per diem-but that's a trifle. I sent up
convenient, that she is never out of my house. stairs yesterday for something to amuse me, hoping
Indeed, all the congratulations of my wife's friends, for De Vere, and down came little Billy with Baververbal and epistolatory, ended with this apophthegm, stock on Brewing, with a portrait of the author
" Then it must be so delightful to you to have your prefixed. I myself drink nothing but water, but
mamma so near!"                                 the secretary of the club brews his own beer. I
It is, in fact, not only delightful, but quite pro- sent back Baverstock on Brewing, with a request
vidential. I do not know what my wife would do  for something more funny; whereupon my wife's
without my wife's mother. She is the organ-blower mother sent me down Sermons by the Rev. Some



1070                            THE HAUNCII OF VENISON.
thing Andrews, of Walworth, with a portrait of the  under my cognizance before I had a wife's mother.
author likewise prefixed.                      I went one night into the green-room  of Drury
Mr. Burridge, the indigo broker, happened to be Lane theatre. When young girls are called upon
with me when this latter publication arrived; and  to perform in London playhouses, it is customary
when we happened also to be discoursing about for their mothers to come to look after them, to adwhat trade my nephew Osgood should be brought just their dress, rub their cheeks with a rouged
up to, Mr. Burridge cast his eye upon the portrait, hare's foot, and prevent viscounts from falling in
and said, " Has your nephew got a black whisker?" love with them. It so happened that five young
"Yes," I answered. " And a white shirt collar?" girls were wanted in the drama; the consequence
"Yes."  "Then bring him  up to the church." was, that five black-bonneted mothers blockaded
It appears to me that a book-club would be a good  thq green-room. "Did you ever see any thing like
thing if we could but get the books we want, and  it? ejaculated Munden, in an under tone; "I'll
when we want them. But perhaps I am too par- bring my own mother to-morrow night; I've as
ticular.                                       much right as they have!" —Munden's mother!!!
We never have a dinner, without, of course, in-   I own I am puzzled to know what my wife will do
viting my wife's mother. Indeed, she always set- when my wife's mother dies, which, in the course of
tles the day, the dishes, and the party. Last Wed- nature, she must do first. The laws of this country
nesday I begged hard to have Jack Smith invited; prevent her from mounting the pile, like a Hindoo
but no-my wife's mother was inexorable.  The widow, or descending into the grave, like Sinbad,
last time he dined with us he was asked for a song. the sailor. But I will not anticipate so lamentable
Mrs. Cumming wanted him to sing "My mother an epoch.
had a maid called Barbara;" thinking that daugh- - Two incidents more, and I have done. We went,
ters should bear in mind not only their mothers, last Wednesday, with my uncle George and my
but their mother's maids; whereupon what does wife's mother, to Covent Garden theatre, to see
Jack do but break cover as follows:-           "Peter Wilkins, or the Flying Indians," whom, by
the way, my wife's mother mistook for defeated
The Trojans they came out to meet'em:    Burmese. Miss M. Glover and Miss J. Scott, acted'Tis known to each little schoolboy         two flying Gowries, and were swinging across the
How the Greeks they horse-jockey'd and beat'em.   stage when Mrs. Cumming expressed a wish to go
No house in that day was secured;           home. " No, no, wait a little,'" said my uncle, lookThey made them too hot for their holders;  ing upward to the theatrical firmament, " I'm quite
And Eneas, not being insured,               uneasy about those two girls; I hope they'll soon
Pack'd off with his dad on his shoulders,  settle."
Singilng Rumpti, etc.     Last Sunday Doctor Stubble gave us an excellent
This was intolerable. A man who would men- sermon; the subject was the fall of man; in which
tion a husband's father thus irreverently, could only he descanted eloquently upon the happiness of
wait for an opportunity in order to lampoon a wife's Adam in Paradise. "Alas!" ejaculated I to mymother. Jack is, consequently, suffering under the  self as we walked homeward, "his happiness even
ban of the Finsbury empire.                    there must have been incomplete! His wife had
This reminds me of an odd incident that happened  no mother!"
TEE HAUNCH OF VENISON.
BY JAMES SMITH.
AT Number One dwelt Captain Drew,              But, ere he reach'd the winning-post,
George Benson dwelt at Number Two,             He saw a haunch of ven'son roast
(The street we'll not now mention:)            Down in the next-door kitchen.
The latter stunn'd the King's Bench bar,
The former, being lamed in war,
ngTh     e f ormer, being lamed in war       " Hey! zounds! what's this? a haunch at Drew's
I must drop in; I can't refuse;
Tom Blewit knew them both; than he               To pass were downright treason;
None deeper in the mystery                      To cut Ned Benson's not quite staunch;
Of culinary knowledge;                       But the provocative-a haunch!
From turtle soup to Stilton cheese,              Zounds! it's the first this season.
Apt st- lent, taking his degrees
In Mrs. Rundell's college.
" Ven'son, thou'rt mine! I'll talk no more.'
Benson to dine invited Tom;                    Then, rapping thrice at Benson's door,
Proud of an invitation from                       "John, I'm in such a hurry;
A host who "spread so nicely."               Do tell your master that my aunt
Tom answer'd, ere the ink was dry,             Is paralytic, quite aslant,
"Extremely happy-come on Fri-                    I must be off for Surrey."
Day next, at six precisely."
Blewit, with expectation fraught,              Now Tom at next door makes a din:
Drove up at six, each savory thought            "Is Captain Drew at home?"-" Walk in."
Ideal turbot rich in;                          " Drew, how d'ye do?"  "What! Blewit?"




BOUNCE MOLLOY AND CRAZY CRAB.                                 1071
" Yes, I-you've ask'd me, many a day,           "I'm very glad you have," said Drew,
To drop in, in a quiet way,                     "I've nothing but an Irish stew"So now I'm come to do it."                      Quoth Tom (aside), "No matter;'Twon't do-my stomach's up to that,xN.....'Twill lie by, till the lucid fat
Comes quiv'ring on the platter."
i  "You see your dinner, Tom," Drew cried.
X ~t~,  ~ ~'''1 XNo, but I don't though,'' Tom replied;
u - al ~   ~ ii'' I smok'd below."-" What?"-" Ven'sonA haunch."-" Oh  true, it is not mine;
_':I   My neighbor has some friends to dine."
"Your neighbor! who?"-" George Benson.
"His chimney smoked; the scene to change,
0  /  /  ~I let him have my kitchen range,
/. ~~~~~~1'~~C While his was newly polish'd;
The ven'son you observ'd below,
Went home just half an hour ago;
I guess it's now demolish'd.
"Tom, why that look of doubtful dread?
Come, help yourself to salt and bread,
Don't sit with hands and knees up:
But dine, for once, off Irish stew,
And read the'Dog and Shadow,' through,
When next you open fEsop."
BOUNCE MOLLOY AND CRAZY CRAB.
FROM "iADAM BROWN"  BY HORACE SMITH.
"My good sir," began Captain Molloy, assumning    " Yes, sir, yes," replied the father, looking at
a. somewhat patronizing and consequential air, as them with a smile of pride; "and the finest and
he bowed himself, not ungracefully, into the par- the most fashionable, as well as the most aceomlor, "I should have done myself the honor of call- plished girls in this part of the country, though I
ing sooner, for I am well aware that the leading  say it that shouldn't say it."  Matilda endeavored
people of the locality should always be the first to  to look modest at this speech, and, not feeling quite
welcome a new neighbor, as the rank and file will sure that she had succeeded, for that particular
of course follow the example of their superior of- expression was not herforte, she determined to apficers-you'll excuse my military language, being  pear girlish and simple by giving her father a tap
an old soldier-but the fact is, I have an apology  with her fingers, and affectedly ejaculating, "La,
to offer, which —-"                             pa! how can you?"  Ellen's eves were fixed on
"Which I will not trouble you to offer at all," the ground, her usually faint bloom undergoing a
interposed Brown, who hated all f          iummery and  deeper suffusion as she listened to the coarse praises
finery, and felt rather nettled at the airs assumed  of her father.
by his visitant.  "You might have stayed away    "I suppose," resumed the latter, "that you have
longer if you liked, and you needn't have called  seen most of our immediate neighbors: old Penfold
now, if you didn't like; for, though I shall be al- the parson, and old Dawson the apothecary, and
ways happy to see the good folks of Woodcote  old Roger Crab of Monkwell" —for the Captain was
and its vicinity, I rather think I can do without in the habit of applying this term to his contemthem. My name, sir, is Adam Brown, late of the  poraries, and even to his juniors, imagining that it
firm of Brown, Gubbins, and Co.; and the books of would assist him in passing himself off for a younger
the Bank of England will vouch, I believe, for my  man than he really was.
respectability and independence."  This was not a    " The former gentlemen have called, but I have
very polite speech, but the worthy merchant did  not yet seen any thing of-Mr. Crab."
not pique himself upon his courtesy, and did pique    "]No loss, Mr. Brown-no loss, if he never comes
himself upon the money which he had so hardly  near you; for a more sneering, snarling, sarcastic,
earned, and which he thought ought to secure him  ill-tempered old hunks it would be difficult to find.
a position in society, wherever he might settle, and  I don't know which is the sourest, his looks or his
whosoever might be his neighbors.  "But you temper."
have not introduced me to these young ladies," he    "I verily believe," cried Matilda, "that the two
continued, in a blander tone; " your daughters, I together turned our beer, the last time he paid us a
presume?"                                      visit."




1072                       BOUNCE MOLLOY AND CRAZY CRAB.
"Ha, ha, ha! well done,'Tilda.  My eldest exclaiming, with a significant smile, "It is fortudaughter, you see, is a wit-always had a jocular nate, Miss Molloy, that I have not yet brewed my
turn. By the powers! it must have been as she  beer."
says: nothing could have done it but old Crab's    " Oh-ay-true!" cried the Captain, whose selfverjuice face, for I brew my own beer, and capital possession was almost the only one that he retainstuff it is-all malt and hops, no water. I hope ed. "We were talking, Mr. Crab, of my famous
you'll do me the favor of tasting it one of these  table ale-capital stuff, and yet never gets up into
days."                                          the head."
"I wonder you suffer so disagreeable and dan-   "That is a recommendation," replied the party
gerous a fellow to visit you," observed the mer- addressed, "for I have a great horror of water on
chant.                                          the brain."
"Well, Sir, I am  good-tempered to a fault-     "Curious old mansion this," pursued the Captain,
always was; and if the leading person of the place  pretending not to hear the last inuendo; "on a
was to turn his back upon old Crab, he might as small scale it reminds me, in some respects, of my
well turn hermit at once, and become the monk of own patrimonial seat.  Ah, Mr. Crab! you were
Monkwell. Ha, ha, ha! Besides, he is as bilious never at my fine place-Clognakilty House, in the
as a nabob, his wife is a confirmed invalid, neither county Down."
of them likely to live long-their money must go    "No, Captain; were you?"  And then, as if
somewhere: and then he has purchased the right talking to himself, the old gentleman ejaculated,
of shooting over an extensive manor; he often in- as he counted his fingers, "There are estates in
vites me to accompany him; and as he is too sickly  Ayrshire, and in the Isle of Skye, and in the
to eat all the game he shoots, he is compelled to  Scilly Islands; and there are Chateaux en Espagne;
give it to his acquaintance."                   and Ariosto tells us that all lost things are collected
"Why, then, it would appear that he does pos- together in the moon; but where is there a dep6t
sess some good qualities."                      for the things that are very circumstantially de"Not he; not any, at least, that he can help-an  scribed, but which never existed?  It ought to be
old cynical curmudgeon!"                       capacious. Yours is a large estate, I believe?"
"Nay, dear papa," urged Ellen, "you forget    "Immense, sir! immense!  I forget the exact
that he makes a most affectionate husband to a number of acres-Irish acres, you know, are larger
sick wife, and that he is very kind and generous than yours-but it is certainly one of the finest
to the poor, though he does scold them  pretty  places in Ireland, though I say it that shouldn't
sharply when he thinks they deserve it. Every- say it."
body says that his bark is worse than his bite;    "Nay, there we differ; for if you didn't say it,
and besides, he is so absent, that I do think he nobody would. If you assert the fact, I believe it;
hardly knows at times what ill-natured things he is if I had seen the place with my own eyes, I might
saying."                                        perhaps have doubted: but it's all the same; it's
"Ay, Nell, and that's the reason why I never all the same. How say the logicians?  De non apnotice his impertinence. If I thought he meant parentibus et non existentibus eadem est ratio."
to be insolent-By the powers!"  In delivering    "And such hunting!" resumed the Captain, adhis favorite adjuration, the Captain was accus- dressing himself to Brown: "I must give you an
tomed to accumulate the emphasis on the first account some day of my celebrated hunter Paddyword with a vehemence proportioned to the grayv- whack, and my famous race-horse  Skyscraper.
ity of the occasion; his. present stress upon the  Faith and troth! I played first fiddle at the meet"by," evidently implying that, if there were suf- ings in Ireland."
ficient ground for the process, he would make no    "The Irish, I believe, have their lyres, as well as
bones of the offender, but swallow him up whole, their fiddles," muttered Crab, again counting his
or cut him up into mince-meat, according to the  fingers with a vacant look of absence.  " Some say
state of his digestive functions.  "Egad, Nell!" that the lyre of Mercury had three strings, some
he continued, "'both his bark and his bite are bad  say four, some say seven. Amphion built up the
enough."                                        walls of Thebes by means of a lyrc —Quaere: Was
"I have heard Ellen maintain," cried Matilda, Amphion an Irishman?  The lyre of Orpheus was
"that there was sweetness at his heart, even when  thrown into the sea-Quaere: Did you live near
there was sourness in his mouth. If it is so, I can  the coast in Ireland?"
only say that his barley-sugar drops are very highly    "The great steeple-chase that I rode at Clogacidulated. Ha, ha, ha!"                        nakilty," resumed Molloy, "is admitted to be the
"D'ye hear that? d'ye hear that!" exclaimed  most wonderful thing of the sort ever performed.
the father.  "Didn't I tell you'Tilda was a wit? Skyscraper would climb up a stone-wall of twelve
As to old Crab, with his venomous jibes and jeers, feet high like a cat: well, sir, he took ten of these
and his malignant-"  The conclusion of his speech  walls; and after I had rode him at speed for seven
was arrested by the opening of the door, and the  hours without drawing bit, he cleared at a leap a
appearance of John Trotman, ushering in the very  river twenty-four feet wide. But the ground was
party thus bitterly vituperated.  "Ha, my good  low on the opposite side; the shock deranged my
friend Crab?" cried the unabashed Captain, "I was digestive functions; and for upward of five months
just singing your praises to Mr. Brown. Allow me -ay, just five months and four days-I could never
to introduce you to him."  And he went through  eat more than an ounce at a time, so that I was
the form of presentation with as much pomposity  known among my friends by the nickname of Ounce
as if he were in his own house, and were conferring  Molloy."
a favor upon both parties. Brown, after gazing    "Are you quite sure it was not Bounce Molloy?"
for a minute on the face of his new visitant, a asked Crab, in a tone and with a look of innocent
little shrivelled man of an atrabilarious hue and  curiosity.  "'Bounce, Jupiter, bounce,' are the
sufficiently acid expression, turned towards Matilda, words of Midas, in O'Hara's burletta of The Golden




BOUNCE MOLLOY AND CRAZY CRAB.                                 1073
Pippin. High nonsense, says Addison, is like beer Captain, not heeding  this interruption; "and,
in a bottle, which has in reality no strength or faith! we kept it up famously. There was the
spirit, but frets, and flies, and bounces, and imitates Marquis of Mayo, Lord Ormonde, Walter Butler,
the passions of a much nobler liquor."          and I; we agreed to dine with one another in turn
It might have been thought that the Captain  -that is to say, when I was not engaged to dine
would have taken offence at these splenetic and  with the Duke of-Psha! I shall forget my own
pointed sallies, but he was not a man to quarrel name next.'Tilda, dear, what is the name of that
with a neighbor from whom  he occasionally bor- duke I dined with so often at Kilkenny?"
rowed money, besides deriving various other ad-   "Duke Humphrey-Duke Humphrey!  Eureka!
vantages from his propinquity. Crab, moreover, it is found!" exclaimed Crab. "Douce, in his I1had a sort of charter, as a humorist subject to  lustrations of Shakspere, explains the first phrase;
strange fits of absence, for thinking aloud, and ut- the second was uttered by Archimedes, when, on
tering whatever vagaries suggested themselves to  entering a full bath, he discovered that the quanhis wandering thoughts; nor was it easy to believe  tity of water displaced depended upon the weight
that there was any raillery, badinage, or inten- and volume of the body immersed in it."
tional offence in his effusions, however caustic; for   "The last time I went to a match of pigeonhis countenance never lost the grim seriousness of shooting," cried Molloy, making his rattan perform
its expression, if we may except an occasional the sword exercise with such slashing animation
twinkle of his small, sharp eye, and his manner was that his companions kept at a prudent distance,
invariably respectful. Rude and inopportune as  " I remember I rode to the place of meeting on my
his escapades appeared, they might, indeed, have  famous hunter Paddy-whack; and by the powers!
been taken for the unconscious babblings of one  I never shot so well in all my life. Killed every
who imagined that he was talking to himself and by  bird but one, and he was knocked all to pieces.
himself, were it not manifest to a keen observer Beat all my competitors hollow, and yet the others
that he never. gave them utterance unless when he  had double-barrelled guns, while I had nothing in
was provoked by some display of arrogance, folly, the world to shoot with but —"
or pretension.                                    "The long-bow," interposed Crab, "was once
Some farther gasconades of the incorrigible Cap- considered the best weapon to shoot with. The
tain having drawn down upon him  a renewal of ancient ones were of a single piece; the modern
oblique sarcasms from Crab, Ellen, in order to pro- long-bows have a thin piece of ash joined to them;
tect her father, engaged the attention of his assail- but perhaps I interrupt you-pray go on."
ant by detailing a case of distress; a subject which    "I was only about to add that mine was a
never failed to elicit from her auditor an angry dia- single-barrel-and a famous cold I caught that
tribe against the improvidence of the poor, and to  same day, by shooting without my hat; but I'm
secure some eventual relief to the sufferers, if, on a always catching cold in my head."
strict inquiry, they proved to be real objects of   "His own fault-he's always going out without
charity. Availing himself of this temporary diver- anything in it," whispered Crab to Brown.
sion, the father whispered to Brown, as he pointed    "And that same day," pursued Molloy, "I made
towards the delinquent, "I hope you don't mind  a party with  General Hooker to go fishing in
his saucy sallies; I don't, for he really doesn't the River Newry-by-the-by, Crab, what was the
know what he is saying. Flighty, sir, flighty —we  weight of that fine jack you caught last week in
call him Crazy Crab. Even when he means to be  Langholme Water?"
splenetic, and caustic, and waspish, we only laugh    "Twelve pounds."
at his impertinence. You're not offended with his   "By the powers! is that all?  The very last
wanderings, I trust?"                          jack I caught in the River Newry weighed twenty"Certainly not, if you are not," replied Brown, four pounds."
chuckling till he grew red in the face.  " On the    "Hang it!" muttered Crab, aside, "I wish I
contrary, I think his wanderings, as you call them, could catchmy jack again; I would double the
are very like home-thrusts, or shots in the bull's Captain's weight instantly, and make him a fortyeye. Depend upon it, he's a good bowler, for he  eight pounder."
seems to know that, if you would hit the Jack at    " As for the poor General, he would hardly have
last, you must seem at first not to be taking aim at hooked a fish if I hadn't been at his elbow abetting
it."  At this moment, Matilda alluded to some pri- and aiding."
vate theatricals about to be performed at Glouces-   " Rodomont-ading and gascon-ading," said Crab,
ter, when the Captain, utterly unable to lose any  patting the tops of his fingers, and looking up to
opportunity of bragging, exclaimed, " Ah, sir! the sky, as if lost in an etymological reverie, "are
nothing like Kilkenny for private theatricals-   derived, I think, from the boastful hero of Ariosto,
never was and never will be. Egad, I starred it and the braggadocio  character of the Gascon
there famously-took all the first characters.'Tilda, French."
dear, what was that celebrated Spanish character    "I brought the General home with me to Clogthat all the world declared I acted to the very  nakilty House," pursued Molloy: "there was a
life?"                                         party of six of us at dinner, and each of us drank
"Ferdinand  Mendez Pinto," ejaculated Crab, five bottles of claret to his own cheek."
breaking off from his colloquy with Ellen, "was a    "That's more than I can swallow," observed
celebrated Spaniard, and a surprising economist-   Crab, very quietly.
of truth; being ever the first to visit non-existent   "And yet I was as sober as a judge —must have
cities, and to receive the most circumstantial intel- been, for I won twenty pounds afterward at cards,
ligence of things that had never happened. His though I'm no great hand at whist."
travels are extant, and written in choice Castil-    "If you had played at brag, you must have
ian."                                           won forty at the very least; it's a very gambling
"We were a jolly party of us," resumed the  game."




1074                 THE GOIUTY MERCHANT AND THE STRANGER.
THE GOUTY MERCHANT AND THE STRANGER,
BY HORACE SMITH.
IN Broad Street Buildings, on a winter night,  Gums, galls, and groceries, ginger, gin,
Snug by his parlor fire, a gouty wight,        Tar, tallow, turmeric, turpentine, and tin;
Sat all alone, with one hand rubbing
His leg, wrapped up in fleecy hose,          When lo! a decent personage in black
While t'other held beneath his nose            Entered, and most politely saidThe Public Ledger, in whose columns, grubbing,    "Your footman, sir, has gone his nightly track,
He noted all the sales of hops,                To the King's Head,
Ships, shops, and slops,                     And left your door ajar, which,
Observed in passing by,
And thought it neighborly to give you notice."
"Ten thousand thanks! how very few get
In time of danger,
Such kind attentions from a stranger!
Assuredly that fellow's throat is. Ad      i, arid Doomed to a final drop at Newgate.
He knows, too, the unconscionable elf!
That there's no soul at home except myself."
"Indeed!" replied the stranger, looking grave;
"Then he's a double knave.
He knows that rogues and thieves by scores
Nightly beset unguarded doors:
| And see how easily might one
Of those domestic foes,
Even beneath your very nose,
Perform his knavish tricks,
Enter your room as I have done,
Blow out your candles-thus, and thus
Pocket your silver candlesticksAnd walk off thus!"
So said, so done-he made no more remark;
Nor waited for replies,
- ~  ~ _ --..... But marched off with his prize,
=  Leaving the gouty merchant in the dark.
THE  FARMER  AND  THE  COUNSELLOR.
BY HORACE SMITH.
A COUNSEL in the Common Pleas,                   " Why-not, sir, as they do wi' you,
Who was esteemed a mighty wit,                 But on four legs, instead of two."
Upon the strength of a chance hit            "Officer!" cried the legal elf,
Amid a thousand flippancies,                   Piqued at the laugh against himself,
And his occasional bad jokes                     " So pray keep silence down below there.
In bullying, bantering, browbeating,         Now look at me, clown, and attend;
Ridiculing, and maltreating                  Have I not seen you somewhere, friend?"
Women, or other timid folks,          ~          "Yees-very like-I often go there."
In a late cause resolved to hoax             "Our rustic's waggish-quite laconic,"
A clownish Yorkshire farmer —one               The counsel cried, with grin sardonic;
Who, by his uncouth look and gait,             "I wish I'd known this prodigy,
Appeared expressly meant by Fate               This genius of the clods, when I
For being quizzed and played upon:               On circuit was at York residing.
So having tipped the wink to those             Now, Farmer, do for once speak trueIn the back rows,                            Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you,
Who kept the laughter bottled down,            Who doubtless think yourself so clever,
Until our wag should draw the cork,          Are there as many fools as ever
He smiled jocosely on the clown,                 In the West Riding?"
And went to work.                            "Why-no, sir, no; we've got our share,
"Well, Farmer Numscull, how go calves at York?"   But not so many as when you were there I"




FINE BROWN STOUT.  THE INTERRUPTED DUEL.                           1075
FINE BROWN STOUT.
BY HORACE SMITH.
A BREWER in a country town                     Meanwhile the beer was, day and day,
Had got a monstrous reputation;              Drawn into casks, and sent away,
No other beer but his went down.                 Until the lees flow'd thick and thicker;
The hosts of the surrounding station         When lo! outstretch'd upon the ground,
Carv'd its great name upon their mugs,         Once more their missing friend they found,
And painted it on every shutter;               As they had often done, in liquor.
And tho' some envious folks would utter
Hints that its flavor came from drugs,         "See," cried his moralizing master,
Others maintained'twas no such matter,        "I always knew the fellow drank hard,
But owing to his monstrous vat,            And prophesied some sad disaster.
At least as corpulent as that              His fate should other tipplers strike:
At Heidelberg-and some said fatter.          Poor Mungo! there he wallows like
" A toast at bottom of a tankard!"
His foreman was a lusty Black,
An honest fellown                            Next morn a publican, whose tap
But one who had an ugly knack                    Had help'd to drain the vat so dry,
Of tasting samples as he brewed,             Not having heard of the mishap,
Till he was stupefied and mellow.            Came to demand a fresh supplyOne day, in his top-heavy mood,              Protesting loudly that the last
Having to cross the vat aforesaid,             All previous specimens surpas
(Just then with boiling beer supplied,)    All p      revio us specimens surpassd,
O'ercome with giddiness and qualms, he       Possessing a much richer gusto
Reeled, fell in, and nothing more was said,    Th an          formerly it ever used to,
But in his favorite liquor died,           And begging as a special favor
But i. his favorite liquor died,   Some more of the exact same flavor.
Like Clarence in his butt of Malmsey.
In all directionis round about                 " Zounds!" said the brewer, "that's a task
The negro absentee was sought,               More difficult to grant than ask.
But as no human noddle thought               Most gladly would I give the smack
That our fat Black was now Brown Stout,          Of the last beer to the ensuing,
They settled that the rogue had left         But where am I to find a Black
The place for debt, or crime, or theft.        And boil him down at every brewing?"
THE INTERRUPTED DUEL.
FROM "THE ADVENTURES OF HARRY AUSTIN."  ANONYMOUS.
"IN case you happen to be killed, have you any    This was very satisfactory, truly; but, although I
particular directions to leave relative to the dis- made no comment on the information thus afforded,
posal of your remains?" inquired Daillie, on the fol- it struck me that if any great benefit was to accrue
lowing morning, while journeying in his curricle in to me individually, by reason of the state of the
the direction of Chalk Farm-" because, if you  atmosphere, such advantage must unavoidably be
have, my dear fellow, now's your time, for it only  shared in common with my adversary, in consewants ten minutes to eight."                   quence whereof I could not so plainly discern any
Such a question, even, when addressed by a law- great cause for rejoicing on my part; but, as my
yer, on making out a rough sketch of your will, friend appeared to think otherwise, it was not nestrikes rather harshly on the ear, but when spoken  cessary to damp his pleasure, especially on an occawith the utmost nonchalance, some ten or twenty  sion where too much hilarity is not often the preminutes prior to the probability of your being shot, vailing annoyance.
grates most'particularly unpleasant on the auricu-   Individually, I experienced a sensation akin to
lar nerve; and the cold, foggy atmosphere of a any thing rather than merriment, and, as I traced
London December, at so early an hour in the morn- all my misfortunes to the one source, my benedicing, tends but in a very small degree to exhilarate  tions on the pale-faced cornet " fell thick as hail;"
the spirits.                                   for, added to my other miseries and dilemmas, alSo thick and substantial was the icy mist, that ready recounted, I was now about to fight a duel
even objects within a short distance, were difficult to  with a man whom I never quarrelled with, and
be discerned with accuracy, a circumstance which, could not have engendered the slightest animosity
my friend informed me, was highly favorable to the against; and even should I escape from this ordeal,
accomplishment of the object in hand, since there  which, within a quarter of an hour, it seemed more
was not a sufficiency of fog to obscure the view of than probable I should have to pass through, how
my opponent's outline-yet, at the same time, there was it possible for me to foretell, or in any way
would be no other visible object to distract my at- calculate upon, the many dangers and vexations
tention.                                       which might still remain in store! How devoutly




1076                             THE INTERRUPTED DUEL.
I wished the cornet in my place-but wishing did  the shaggy wool of which the damp hung in small
not retard our progress, and, after a few seconds brilliant particles, as you may sometimes see on
occupied in further reflections, Daillie informed me the back of a Newfoundland dog when first emergit was time to descend.  So, divesting ourselves ing from an aquatic libation. Round his neck was
of our wet, clammy outer-garments, we walked  bound an enormous belcher handkerchief of many
onward towards the place appointed for the ren- colors, which, enveloping his chin in its ample fold,
contre.                                         twined itself round and round the throat of its
Having left the high road, and quitted the lanes owner, as a boa constrictor is said to embrace its
branching from it, we traversed a slippery, muddy  victim, till its course was arrested imrnediately unpathway, across two fields, at the end of which I der the bright variegated nose, forming the principal
was assured was the spot fixed on for the exhibi- feature of this gentleman's face. On his head aption; but had I not had a guide, and one so con- peared a low-crowned hat of enormous and disproversant with the localities as my friend, I might portionate expanse of brim: and altogether he
have wandered about in the fog for a century, be- looked as unlike my gentlemanly opponent, or the
fore I could have discovered the place of rendez- elegant baronet, as it was possible for two exvous. But Daillie was no novice, and the confi- tremes to be.
dence with which he threaded his way, proclaimed    The dress of the other person, who closely folhis thorough knowledge of the premises.         lowed in the wake of the former, differed but in
"Here we are, Austin," said my companion, some trifling and immaterial points from the first;
" not more than a hundred yards farther, and then  and, in whatever genus the leader might have been
we'll set to work-but don't forget to aim low-   classed, it was palpably evident that the same dewhatever you do, aim  low-mark that.  Even  scription was applicable to each.
should your ball hit the ground, it may rebound    "Captain," commenced the voice from  within
and mark him, but if you fire over his head, no  the capacious folds of the neckeloth, "how  d'ye
chance of such luck coming topass.  Cursed damp, do, captain-didn't expect to see me and my pall
isn't it?  My dear fellow, don't forget, whatever here, at this time o' day, I warrant? but, howsomeyou do, to keep your eye steadily on him, that is, if dever, you see as how things will out sometimes,
you can see him in this infernal fog-good thing  captain, as the terrier said to the badger when he
the fog, though-always like a fog, on these occa- draw'd him."
sions. Don't you feel hungry, Austin?, This air   "What, Grabum!" loudly exclaimed  Daillie,
and exercise would create an appetite in a skeleton  " What the devil brings you here?"
-but look there-don't you see them?   Sure    "Small matter of business, captain, as the hangenough that's them-now for it."                 man said to the culprit, when he fitted the halStraining my eyes in the direction pointed out ter."
by the captain, I at last discovered divers figures    "By heavens! I don't understand it-who gave
moving about, as indistinct and questionable as information?" inquired the gallant officer.
Shakspere's ghosts in Macbeth, but, as we soon    "That's tellings, captain, as the informer said
discovered, somewhat more substantial.          when he hanged his mother," replied the other.
"Austin!" exclaimed my friend earnestly, " by    "Come, Grabumn, like a good fellow," coaxingly
Jove, we are not the only ones this morning bent rejoined Daillie, "here's a five pound note for old
on a shooting excursion-very annoying that-  acquaintance sake, only just tell me who the cursed
however, can't be helped-must shift our ground, rascal was; this is not the first time we've met, you
I suppose, if both sides of the other party have know that, Graburn?"
arrived before us. But let's see, how many are    "True, captain, I've seen you afore now, as the
there?"                                        tread-mill said  to  the  pickpocket, nevertheless
"Six, as well as I can make out," was my reply.  duty's duty; and you knows, as well as I does,
"'Six," echoed the captain, "then all's right. I that it arn't my business to peach; I knows a
suppose Gregory, his friend, and the doctor are  trick worth two of that, and, after all, may be I
three-the others, not having as yet made up their can't tell who gived the information-may  be I
number, we are of course entitled to the ground; can; but, howsomedever, that's neither here nor
and, if we get our affair over speedily, we may  there, as the man said of his wife's good temperchance to see the next-that is, those who survive, so, d'ye see, captain, there's no good in chaffing
of course-ah, here they come."  And, issuing from  about it."
the obscure coterie, two individuals advanced, but,    "Not much, truly," replied Daillie; "but where
as the decreasing distance between us diminished  are the other gentlemen?"
the doubt as to their identity, we discovered a    "Quiet enough now, as the chap said when he
couple of persons very different from Mr. Gregory  cut the old woman's head off," was the answer.
and Sir Henry Stivers, whose society we had tray-    "Well, Grabum," exclaimed my fiiend, "at least
elled thus far to enjoy.                        you'll allow me to speak to them?"
One of the advancing gentlemen was habited in    " With all my heart, captain, but don't be long
a pair of dark corduroy breeches, having a profu- about it, as the bride said to the parson, cause as
sion of bunches of tape and ribbon affixed to the  how I'm tarnation cold and hungry, and it's fill
outside of each knee, which multiplicity of bindings time as we was a jogging, for I see no fun in this
aided and abetted in supporting a pair of large  here, as the pig said when he stood in the pilbrick-dust colored top-boots, the feet of whiclh were lory."
large and heavy enough to have macadamized more    My second accordingly advanced to the conferstones in an hour, than all the sinners at Brixton  ence, and was immediately accosted by Sir Henry
could accomplish in a year. He was large and  Stivers, when, after mutual expressions of astonportly in person, to make which the more evident, ishment, as to how the arrangements could have
he had clothed himnself outwardly in a huge, rough, become so far public as to have enabled any person
white coat, somewhat resembling a blanket, and on  to give information of our intended proceedings, it




THE INTERRUPTED  DUEL.                                    1 077
was decided that no particle of suspicion of our dis- would," continued the man in power, " in order,
appointment having originated either in the princi- I suppose, that he likewise should be called upon
pals or seconds could exist; and, to make doubly  to satisfy what, in fashionable jargon, you call
sure, the four persons most interested in the busi- honor."
ness willingly pledged their honors to that effect.  "I presume," sharply retorted the other, "that
To attempt carrying the " little affair" through  we were not forcibly arrested and brought up here
in presence of three Bow-street officers would have  for the exclusive purpose of furnishing an opporbeen ridiculous, even had it been in any degree  tunity for an exhibition of elocution, since, if such
feasible, which, however, it was not; for the three  is the case, I for one decline making part of the
gentlemen alluded to, in order to set that question  audience."
finally at rest, pointed out a few similarly appar-    "Your remarks, sir," answered the justice, highly
elled individuals, who, they assured us, were always  exasperated, " and the tone in which you have just
left by Mr. Grabum, as a sort of reserve, in case of uttered them, are, to say the least, uncalled for and
his finding the influence of his warrant, backed as extremely offensive; and," here his worship beits presentation invariably was with elegant and  gan to wax warm, "allow  me to observe that a
appropriate similies, insufficient to carry his instruc- repetition of such insulting behavior will most astions into effect, without the aid of the corporeal suredly call down upon the perpetrator an order
arm of the law.                                   for committal-sir, d'ye mark that? Perhaps you
Under these circumstances, nothing remained  think, because you're a baronet, sir, that your
but to deliver ourselves up at the police office, then  words and inuendoes will pass without animadverand there to have our cases taken into the consid- sion; but, I'll give you to understand, sir, that in
eration of probably not the wisest and most cour- this place, that is, as long as I fill the chair, mere
teous of God's creatures upon earth.              rank shall never claim  difference of treatment at
"That's right, gentlemen," vociferated Mr. Grab- my hands; no, sir, never; I consider all ranks,
um, on seeing an inclination manifested on the  sects, and persuasions, as equal."  And there was
part of all concerned to adjourn, " that's all right, every prospect of the whole of our party being inthe worst of the business is ended-and now it's all carcerated in one of the secure private apartments
down-hill work, as Mr. Sadler said when he fell out belonging to the establishment, had not my friend
of the balloon."                                  Daillie, unperceived by the magistrate, intimated
On pledging our words that no attempt at hos- to his acquaintance, Mr. Grabum, that the period
tilities should be made by either party, we were  had arrived for his interference, and to do that inpermitted to return to town unaccompanied by  dividualjustice, notwithstanding the anxiety which
Mr. Grabum and his friends, and as in honor bound, he showed in bringing about our interview with
between ten and eleven o'clock, we made our ap- his superior, yet he seemed the very reverse of
pearance before the officiating mass of wisdom  wishing our freedom to be further circumscribed;
condensed into one solid ball, and deposited in the  and, confident in his own oratorical powers, toscull of Mr. Nonnant.                             gether with the privileged license of a necessary,
" Are these the offending parties against whom  and therefore highly useful, inferior, he boldly
the information was laid?" pompously inquired the  stepped forth and accosted Mr. Nonnant.
magistrate, on our appearing before him, and at    "I axes your worship's pardon for obtruding,
the same time, running his eye quickly round the  but, as your worship very correctly says, there's no
group.                                            difference of sexes here, and therefore it isn't to be
"Yes, your worship;" answered a thin, greasy- argued, for an instant, that, because a gentleman
looking thing, called by the presiding dignitary a  has had the misfortune to become a barrow-knight,
clerk.                                            that he's to take upon himself to come for to go for
"Who apprehended these people?" asked the  to flounder about, as if he was the lord mayor's
bench.                                            footman in livery. No, no, certainly not, your
"Me! your worship, as the chap said when the  worship, that won't do-people must stick in their
man asked who he owed money to," sang out the  places, as the officer said to the soldier when he
melodious tones of Mr. Grabum's voice.            was tired and wanted to go home. But the matter
"Very well, Grabum, you're an intelligent and  of that there is neither more nor less than this here.
meritorious officer, always extremely diligent and  When I went to take these gentlemen, instead of
active;" whereupon Mr. Grabum made divers at- making a tarnation blundering and row, as some
tempts to emerge his chin from its imprisonment, on'em sometimes does when they sees they're safe,
as if desirous of developing the satisfaction which  off they comes along of me and my pal as quietly
suffused his entire countenance.                  as possible, though to be sure they looked at me
" Did you find them in the act of committing a  when I grabbed them, as much as to say, I'm blowbreach of the peace, Grabum'?" inquired Mr. Non- ed if I'm as fond of you as you seems of me, as the
nant.                                             cake said to the school-boy; but then your wor"Summit near it, your worship; they was just a  ship knows I'm not considered generally the most
going to begin, and no mistake, as Boneyparte said  pop'lor character what is. But I can't help thatat Salamanca, when he seed Lord Wellington a  know me better, like me more, as the fox said to
running after him."                              the turkey poult as he could not reach at; —so,
" Well, gentlemen," said the magistrate, " I pre- your worship, you sees that, as these ere gentlesume you are well acquainted with the reasons for men behaved civilly at the beginning, may be
appearing before me on this occasion?"           I can take upon myself to promise they'll behave
"We can tolerably surmise," replied the baronet. genteelly to the last, so that their feelings may be
"But you will greatly oblige me by putting us in  spared the agonization of the lock-up; for, as you,
possession of the name of the party who lodged the  worship knows, all living creatures have got fee'
information."                                     ing, as the lobster said to the cook when she was
"Don't doubt it in the least, sir,-dare say you  biling him."
69




1078                                DOUGLAS JERROLD.
"True, true," replied the magistrate, " I don't known him for ages, requested the pleasure of his
wish to incommode them more than can be helped; society at dinner.
so, Grabum, if you guarantee their silence, possibly    "Delighted to see you, at eight, old Nonnant, if
I may allow them to remain where they are, until that hour suits you, only a few friends-two Blenthe arrival of the bail."                      heims and a poodle-champagne in ice-no inconThus, through the intercession of Mr. Grabum, venience to me, none whatever," he continued,
we were spared the infliction of the lock-up, and  seeing the persecuted about to speak, "happy to
permitted to witness further instances of the wor- mount you, if you'll come earlier-send carriage to
thy magistrate's impartiality and excellent judg- take you up-set you home-do any thing for you
ment, in the disposal of divers cases brought before -love you greatly-do'pon my honor-quite an
him.                                           original-best bear I ever met-"
Bail had been sent for, when on our road to the    "Turn these people out instantly," vociferated
office; for my companions, far more experienced  the enraged receiver of the public money, " turn
than myself, well knew the almost certain finale to  them  out of the office instantly," and forthwith
the invitation, from the man in power, to attend  divers brawny hands were applied to our shoulders,
him.                                           and we hurried through the passage with most
Eventually we were bound over to keep the miraculous rapidity.
peace for six months, in two hundred pounds each,   "Not long about that, as the snail said when the
and a couple of householders had the honor of ap- garden roller crushed him," murmured Mr. Grabpearing for every one at the forfeit of half that um, as we flew int6 the street; and, with merely
amount. There was a considerable degree of sign- a formal bow, exchanged between the adverse paring and feeing, and at length we were permitted to  ties, the intended actors of a probable tragedy had
depart. But, the moment the edict for our dis- no option but to return home, loudly and unasked
charge had irrevocably gone  forth, Daillie ap- for, lamenting their intentions having terminated
proached the man of power, and, as if he had  in nothing.
DOUGLAS JERROLD.
THE depth of his insight, the subtlety of his anal- I he observed, "Guizot and I are both historiansysis, the vividness of his presentation, must strike  we row in the same boat."-" Aye, aye," says Jerevery one who reads. His place among the wits of rold, "but not with the same sculls."  Yet such
our own time is clear enough. He had less frolic personal encounters were but the play of the panthan Theodore Hook, less elaborate humor than  ther. No man ever used such powers with greater
Sydney Smith, less quibble and quaintness than  gentleness. Indeed, to speak the plain truth, his
Thomas Hood. But he surpassed all these in intel- fault as a man-if it be a fault-was a too great
lectual flash and strength. His wit was all steel tenderness of heart. He never could say No. His
point-and his talk was like squadrons of lancers purse —when he had a purse-was at every man's
in evolution. Not one pun we have heard is to be  service, as were also his time, his pen, and his influfound in his writings. His wit stood nearer to po- ence in the world. If he possessed a shilling, someetic fancy than to broad humor. The exquisite  body would get sixpence of it from him. Hle had a
confusion of his tipsy gentleman, who, after scrap- lending look, of which many took advantage. The
ing the door for an hour with his latch-key, leans first time he ever saw Tom Dibdin, that worthy
back and exclaims, "By Jove! some scoundrel has gentleman and song-writer said to him-" Youngstolen-stolen-the keyhole 1" comes as near farce ster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend
as any of his illustrations. His celebrated definition  me a guinea?"-" Oh, yes," said the author of
of Dogmatism as "Puppyism  come to maturity,"'Black Eyed Susan,' "I have all the confidence,
looks like a happy pun-but is something far more but I haven't the guinea."  A generosity which
deep and philosophic. Between this, however, and  knew no limit-not even the limit at his bankerssuch fancies as his description of Australia-" A  led him into trials from which a colder man would
land so fat, that if tickled with a straw, it laughs have easily escaped. To give all that he possessed
with a harvest "-the distance is not great. In his to relieve a brother from immediate trouble was
earlier time, before age and success had mellowed  nothing; he as willingly mortgaged his future for a
him to his best, he was sometimes accused of ill- friend as another man would bestow his advice or
nature, a charge which he vehemently resented, and  his blessing. And yet this man was accused of ill
which seemed only ludicrous to those privileged  nature!  If every one who received a kindness at
with his friendship. To folly, pretence, and as- his hands should lay a flower on his tomb, a mounsumption he gave no quarter, though in fair fight; tain of roses would rise on the last resting-place of
and some of those who tried lances with him, long  Douglas Jerrold.
remembered his home thrust. We may give two
instances without offence, for the combatants are    "GEORGE," said Jerrold to the inimitable Cruikall gone from the scene. One of those playwrights shank, " I hear that you are every where preaching
who occupied Old Drury, under the French, against temperance tee-total. Although I am glad to hear
whom he waged ceaseless war of epigram, was de- of your temperance, I am sorry you have taken the
scribing himself as suffering from fever of the brain. pledge, as it will be quite impossible for you to go
" Courage, my good fellow," says Jerrold, " there is to Heaven!" "Nonsense, Jerrold," replied George,
no foundation for the fact."  When the flight of  "what do you mean by such stuff?"  "Why,"
Guizot and Louis Philippe from Paris was the fresh  continued Jerrold, "you'd be a hypocrite, if
talk of London, a writer of no great parts was abus- you do; for there is nothing but pure spirit in
ing the Revolution and pitying Guizot. "You see," Heaven!"








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:~L;,.:,oAi: 




MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES.                               1079
ONE sunny morning, a quidnunc and a bore was Releasing himself, the wit strides hastily away, exsauntering down Regent Street, seeking whom he  claiming, "I am."
might devour with his interminable twaddle. At   HERAUD, the writer, was another bore who inlength he espies, approaching in hot haste, the  flicted "all his tediousness" on Jerrold. The satiwitty and no less busy Douglas Jerrold. He stops rist was asked if he had read Heraud's " Descent into
and fastens on him. The bore puts his usual ques- Hell?"  " No," was the answer, "but I should like
tion —" Well, my dear Jerrold, what's going on?" to see it."
MRS. CAUIDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES.
BY DOUGLAS JERROLD.
INTRODUCTION.
POOR Job Candle was one of the few men whom nature, in her casual bounty to women, sends into
the world as patient listeners. He was, perhaps, in more respects than one, all ears. And these ears,
Mrs. Caudle-his lawful, wedded wife, as she would ever and anon impress upon him, for she was not a
woman to wear chains without shaking them -took whole and sole possession of. They were her entire
property; as expressly made to convey to Caudle's brain the stream of wisdom that continually flowed
from the lips of his wife, as was the tin funnel through which Mrs. Caudle in vintage time bottled her
elder wine. There was, however, this difference between the wisdom and the wine. The wine was always
sugared: the wisdom, never. It was expressed crude from the heart of Mrs. Caudle; who, doubtless,
trusted to the sweetness of her husband's disposition to make it agree with him.
Philosophers have debated whether morning or night is most conducive to the strongest and clearest
moral impressions. The Grecian sage confessed that his labors smelt of the lamp. In like manner, did
Mrs. Caudle's wisdom smell of the rushlight. She knew that her husband was too much distracted by
his business as toy-man and doll-merchant to digest her lessons in the broad day. Besides, she could
never make sure of him; he was always liable to be summoned to the shop. Now from eleven at night
until seven in the morning, there was no retreat for him. He was compelled to lie and listen. Perhaps
there was little magnanimity in this on the part of Mrs. Caudle; but in marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.....Besides, Mrs. Caudle copied very ancient and classic authority. Minerva's bird, the very wisest thing i0 feathers, is silent all the day. So was Mrs. Caudle. Like
the owl, she hootel only at night.
Mr. Caudle was blessed with an indomitable constitution, One fact will prove the truth -of this. He
lived thirty years with Mrs. Caudle, surviving her. Yes, it took thirty years for Mrs. Caudle to lecture
and dilate upon the joys, griefs, duties, and vicissitudes comprised within that seemingly small circlethe wedding-ring. We say, seemingly small; for the thing, as viewed by the vulgar, naked eye, is a tiny
hoop made for the third feminine finger. Alack! like the ring of Saturn, for good or evil it circles a
whole world. Or to take a less gigantic figure, it compasses a vast region: it may be Arabia Felix, and
it may be Arabia Petrea.
A lemon-hearted cynic might liken the wedding-ring to an ancient Circus, in which wild animals
clawed one another for the sport of lookers-on. Perish the hyperbole! We would rather compare it to
an elfin ring, in which dancing fairies made the sweetest music for infirm humanity.
Manifold are the uses of rings. Even swine are tamed by them. You will see a vagrant, hilarious,
devastating porker-a full-blooded fellow, that would bleed into many, many fathoms of black pudding
-you will see him, escaped from his proper home, straying in a neighbor's garden. How he tramples
upon the heart's-ease: how, with quivering snout, he roots up lilies-odoriferous bulbs! Here he gives a
reckless snatch at thyme and marjoram-and here he munches violets and gillyflowers. At length the
marauder is detected, seized by his owner, and driven, beaten home. To make the porker less dangerous, it is determined that he shall be ringed. The sentence is pronounced-execution is ordered.
Listen to his screams!
Would you not think the knife was in his throat?
And yet they're only boring through his nose!
Hence, for all future time, the porker behaves himself with a sort of forced propriety-for in either nostril he carries a ring. It is, for the greatness of humanity, a saddening thought, that sometimes men
must be treated no better than pigs.
But Mr. Job Caudle was not of these men. Marriage to him was not made a necessity. No; for him
call it if you will a happy chance-a golden accident. It is, however, enough for us to know that he was
married; and was therefore made the recipient of a wife's wisdom. Mrs. Caudle, like Mahomet's dove,
continually pecked It the good man's ears; and it is a happiness to learn from what he left behind, that
he had hived all her sayings in his brain; and further, that he employed the mellow evening of his life to
put such sayings down, that, in due season, they might be enshrined in imperishable type.
When Mr. Job Caudle was left in this briary world without his daily guide and nocturnal monitress,
he was in the ripe fulness of fifty-two. For three hours at least after he went to bed-such slaves are
we to habit-he could not close an eye. His wife still talked at his side. True it was, she was dead and
decently interred. His mind-it was a comfort to know it-could not wander on this point; this he
knew. Nevertheless, his wife was with him. The Ghost of her Tongue still talked as in the life; and
again and again did Job Caudle hear the monitions of by-gone years. At times, so loud, so lively, so
real were the sounds, that Job, with a cold chill, doubted if he were really widowed. And then, with




1080                      MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES.
the movement of an arm, a foot, he would assure himself that he was alone in his holland. Nevertheless,
the talk continued. It was terrible to be thus haunted by a voice: to have advice, commands, remonstrances, all sorts of saws and adages still poured upon him, and no visible wife. Now did the voice
speak from the curtains; now from the tester; and now did it whisper to Job from the very pillow that
he pressed. " It's a dreadful thing that her tongue should walk in this manner," said Job, and then he
thought confusedly of exorcism, or at least of counsel from the parish priest.
Whether Job followed his own brain, or the wise direction of another, we know not. But he resolved
every night to commit to paper one curtain lecture of his late wife. The employment would, possibly,
lay the ghost that haunted him. It was her dear tongue that cried for justice, and when thus satisfied,
it might possibly rest in quiet. And so it happened. Job faithfully chronicled all his late wife's lectures;
the ghost of her tongue' was thenceforth silent, and Job slept all his after nights in peace.
When Job died, a small packet of papers was found inscribed as follows;" Curtain Lectures delivered in the course of Thirty Years by Mrs. Margaret Caudle, and suffered by
Job, her Husband."
That Mr. Caudle had his eye upon the future printer, is made pretty probable by the fact that in most
places he had affixed the text-such text for the most part arising out of his own daily conduct-to the
lecture of the night. He had also, with an instinctive knowledge of the dignity of literature, left a banknote of very fair amount with the manuscript. Following our duty as editor, we trust we have done
justice to both documents.
should like to know how people are to pay taxes
who throw away five pounds to every fellow that
i__:_:-_ = _ Illi__t____  asks  them.
Perhaps you don't know that Jack, this morning,
knocked the shuttle cock through his bedroom win-.____      =1 |dow. I was going to send for the glazier to mend
~/~~~~- -: g          Iit; but after you lent that five pounds, I was sure
we couldn't afford it. Oh, no, the window must go' /           as it is; and pretty weather for a dear child to
/'//I  ~~ ~..sleep with a broken window. He's got a cold already on his lungs, and I shouldn't at all wonder if
that broken window settled him-if the dear boy
dies, his death will be upon his father's head; for
___ ___ ~~~ ~ -____  x~  I'm sure we can't now pay to mend windows. We
might though, and do a good many more things, if
people didn't throw away their five pounds.
Next Tuesday, the fire insurance is due. I should
_ -~~~~                    %:like to know how it's to be paid! Why, it can't be
paid at all. That five pounds would have just done
_~~~ ~-~ ~~~'-~-'  ~   ~ ~    ~  it —and now, insurance is out of the question. And
Go= —~-~ —~                    ==     == <there never were so many fires as there are now.
% ~ G~ —~ —~~'~ —-~~~~ —  I shall never close my eyes all night-but what's
that to you, so people can call you liberal, Mr.
_-i=::, -             Caudle?  Your wife and children may all be burnt
~-:-~       O            _alive in their beds-as all of us to a certainty shall
be, for the insurance must drop. After we've inMR. CAUJDLE HAVING LENT FIVE PO~UNDS TO A  sured for so many years! But how, I should like
FRIEND.                    to know, are people to insure who make ducks and
drakes of their five pounds?
You ought to be very rich, Mr. Caudle. I won-   I did think we might go to Margate this summer.
der who'd lend you five pounds! But so it is; a There's poor Caroline, I'm sure she wants the sea.
wife may work and may slave. Oh, dear! the But no, dear creature, she must stop at home; she'll
many things that might have been done with five go into a consumption, there's no doubt of that; yes,
pounds!  As if people picked up money in the sweet little angel. I've made up my mind to lose
streets! But you always were a fool, Mr. Caudle! her now. The child might have been saved; but
I've wanted a black satin gown these three years, people can't save their children and throw away
and that five pounds would have pretty well bought five pounds, too.
it. But it's no matter how I go-not at all. Every    I wonder where little Cherub is!  While you
body says I don't dress as becomes your wife-and  were lending that five pounds, the dog ran out of
I don't; but what's that to you, Mr. Caudle? No- the shop. You know I never let it go into the
thing. Oh no! you can have fine feelings for every  street, for fear it should be bit by some mad dog,
body but those that belong to you. I wish people and come home and bite the children. It wouldn't
knew you, as I do-that's all. You like to be called at all astonish me if the animal was to come back
liberal-and your poor family pays for it.     with the hydrophobia, and give it to all the family.
All the girls want bonnets, and when they're to  However, what's your family to you, so you can
get'em I can't tell. Half five pounds would have play the liberal creature with five pounds?
bought'em-but now they must go without. Of   Do you hear that shutter, how it's banging to and
course, they belong to you; and any-body but your fro? Yes-I know what it wants as well as you:
own flesh and blood, Mr. Caudle.             it wants a new fastening. I was going to send for
The man called for the water-rate to-day; but I the blacksmith to-day. But now it's out of the




MRS. CAUDLE S CURTAIN LECTURES.                            1081
question: now it must bang of nights, since you ter. Better smoke yourself, than come home with
have thrown away five pounds.                 other people's smoke in your hair.
Well, things have come to a pretty pass!-This   I never knew any good come to a man who went
is the first night I ever made my supper of roast to a tavern. Nice companions he picks up there!
beef without pickles. But who is to afford pickles Yes; people who make it a boast to treat their
when folks are always lending five pounds?   wives like slaves, and ruin their families. There's
Do you hear the mice running about the room? that wretch Prettyman.
I hear them. If they were only to drag you out of   See what he's come to. He doesn't now get
bed, it would be no matter. Set a trap for'em. home till two in the morning; and then in what a
But how are people to afford the cheese, when every  state! He begins quarrelling with the door mat,
day they lose five pounds?                    that his poor wife may be afraid to speak to him.
Hark! I'm sure there's a noise down stairs. It A mean wretch! But don't you think I'll be like
wouldn't surprise me if there were thieves in the Mrs. Prettyman. No: I wouldn't put up with it
house. Well, it may be the cat; but thieves are from the best man that ever trod. You'll not make
pretty sure to come some night. There's a wretch- me afraid to speak to you, however you may swear
ed fastening to the back door: but these are not at the door mat. No, Mr. Caudle, that you won't.
times to afford bolts and bars, when fools won't   You don't intend to stay out till two in the morntake care of their five pounds.               ing! How do you know what you'll do when you
Mary Anne ought to have gone to the dentist's get among such people?  Men can't answer for
to-morrow.  She wants three teeth pulled out. themselves when they get boozing with one another.
Now, it can't be done. Three teeth that quite dis- They never think of their poor wives, who are grievfigure the child's mouth. But there they must ing and wearing themselves out at home. A nice
stop, and spoil the sweetest face that was ever headache you'll have to-morrow morning-or rather
made. Otherwise, she'd have been the wife for a this morning; for it must be past twelve. You
lord. Now, when she grows up, who'll have her? won't have a headache! It's very well for you to
Nobody. We shall die and leave her alone and un- say so, but I know you will; and then you may
protected in the world. But what do you care for nurse yourself for me.  Ha! that filthy tobacco
that?  Nothing; so you can squander away five again. No: I shall not go to sleep, like a good
pounds.                                       soul!  How's people to go to sleep when they're
And now, Mr. Caudle, see what a misery you've suffocated?
brought on your wretched family! I can't have a   Yes, Mr. Caudle, you'll be nice and ill in the
satin gown-the girls can't have new bonnets-the morning! But don't you think I'm going to let
water-rate must stand over-Jack must get his you have your breakfast in bed, like Mrs. Prettydeath through a broken window-our fire insurance man. I'll not be such a fool. No: nor I won't
can't be paid, so we shall all be victims to the de- have discredit brought upon the house for sending
vouring element-we can't go to Margate, and for soda water early, for all the neighborhood to
Caroline will go to an early grave-the dog will say, " Caudle was drunk last night!" No: I've
come home and bite us all mad-that shutter will some regard for the dear children, if you haven't.
go banging forever-the soot will always fall-the  No: nor you shan't have broth for dinner. Not a
mice never let us have a wink of sleep-the thieves neck of mutton crosses my threshold, I can tell
be always breaking in the house-and our dear you.
Mary Anne be forever left an unprotected maid-    You won't want soda, and you won't want broth.
and all, all, Mr. Caudle, because you will go on lend- All the better. You wouldn't get'em if you did, I
ing five pounds!                             can assure you.  Dear, dear, dear! That filthy
tobacco! I'm sure it's enough to make me as bad
MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO THE TAVERN WITH  as you are. Talking about getting divorced-I'm
A FRIEND.                   sure tobacco ought to be good grounds. How little
Poor me! Ha! I'm sure I don't know who'd be does a woman think, when she marries, that she
a poor woman! I don't know who'd tie themselves gives herself to be poisoned! You men contrive to
up to a man, if they knew only half they'd have to  have it all your own side, you do. Now, if I was
bear. A wife must stay at home, and be a drudge, to go and leave you and the children, a pretty noise
whilst a man can go anywhere. It's enough for a there'd be! You, however, can go and smoke no
wife to sit like CiAderella by the ashes, while her end of pipes. You didn't smoke! It's all the same,
husband can go a drinking and singing at a tavern. Mr. Caudle, if you go among smoking people.
You never sing! How do I know you never sing? Folks are known by their company. You'd better
It's very well for you to say so; but if I could hear smoke yourself, than bring me home the pipes of
you, I dare say you're amongst the worst of'em.   all the world.
And now, I suppose, it will be the tavern every   Yes, I see how it will be. Now you've once gone
night. If you think I'm going to sit up for you, Mr. to a tavern, you'll always be going. You'll be comCaudle, you are much mistaken. No: I'm not go- ing home tipsy every night; and putting out your
ing to get up out of my warm bed to let you in, shoulder; and bringing all sorts of disgrace and
either. No; nor Susan shan't sit up for you; nor expense upon us. And then you'll be getting into
you shan't have a latch key. I'm not going to sleep a street fight-oh! I know your temper too well to
with the door upon the latch, to be murdered be- doubt it, Mr. Caudle-and be knocking down some
fore the morning.                             of the police. And then I know what will follow.
Faugh! Pah! Whewgh! That filthy tobacco  Yes, you'll be sent, for a month or six weeks, to
smoke. It's enough to kill any decent woman. the treadmill. Pretty thing that, for a respectable
You know I hate tobacco, and yet you will do it. tradesman, Mr. Caudle, to*be put upon the treadYou don't smoke yourself! What of that? If you mill with all sorts of thieves and vagabonds, andgo among people who do smoke, you're just as bad, there, again that horrible tobacco! and riff raff of
or worse. You might as well smoke-indeed, bet- every kind; I should like to know how your chil



1082                      MRS. CAUDLE S CURTAIN LECTURES.
dren are to hold up their heads, after their father   But I know what it is; oh, yes, there can be no
has been upon the treadmill?  No: I won't go to  doubt.  The secret is, to ill-use poor women: to
sleep. And I'm not talking of what's impossible. tyrannize over'em; to make'em your slaves; esI know it will all happen, every bit of it. If it pecially your wives. It must be something of the
wasn't for the dear children, you might be ruined, sort, or you wouldn't be ashamed to have it known.
and I not so much as think about it, but-oh! dear, What's right and proper never need be done in
dear! at least, you might go where they smoke secret. It's an insult to a woman for a man to be
good tobacco —but I can't forget that I'm  their a freemason, and let his wife know nothing of it.
mother. At least, they shall have one parent.  But, poor soul! she's sure to know it somehow, for
Taverns! never did a man go to a tavern who nice husbands they all make. Yes, yes; a part of
did not die a beggar. And how your pot com- the secret is to think better of all the world than
panions will laugh at you when they see your name their own wives and families. I'm sure men have
in the Gazette! For it must happen,-your busi- quite enough to care for-that is, if they act proness is sure to fall off; for what respectable man  perly-to care for them they have at home. They
will buy toys for his children of a drunkard? You're can't have much care to spare for the world benot a drunkard! No: but you will be-it's all the sides.
same.                                           And I suppose they call you Brother Caudle? A
You've began by staying out till midnight. By- pretty brother, indeed! Going and dressing yourand-by,'twill be all night. But don't you think, self up in an apron like a turnpike man-for that's
Mr. Caudle, you shall ever have a key. I know  what you look like. And I should like to know
you. Yes; you'd do exactly like that Prettyman, what the apron's for? There must be something in
and what did he do, last Wednesday? Why, he let it not very respectable, I'm sure. Well, I only
himself in about four in the morning, and brought wish I was Queen for a day or two. I'd put an end
home with him his pot companion, Leanly. His to freemasonry and all such trumpery, I know.
dear wife woke at six, and saw Prettyman's dirty    Now, come, Caudle; don't let us quarrel. Eh!
boots at her bedside. —And where was the wretch, you're not in pain, dear?  What's it all about?
her husband? Why, he was drinking down stairs-  What are you lying laughing there at? But I'm a
swilling. Yes: worse than a midnight robber, he'd fool to trouble my head about you.
taken the keys out of his dear wife's pockets-ha!   And you're not going to let me know the secret,
what that poor creature has to bear! —and had got eh? You mean to say, you're not. Now, Caudle,
the brandy. A pretty thing for a wife to wake at you know it's a hard matter to put me in a passion;
six in the morning, and instead of her husband, to  not that I care about the secret itself, no, I wouldn't
see his dirty boots!                          give a button to know it, for it's all nonsense, I'm
But I'll not be made your victim, Mr. Caudle. sure. It isn't the secret I care about; it's the slight,
You shall never get at my keys, for they shall be Mr. Caudle; it's the studied insult that a man pays
under my pillow-under my own head, Mr. Caudle. to his wife, when he thinks of going through the
You'll be ruined; but if I can help it, you shall world keeping something to himself, which he won't
ruin nobody but yourself.                     let her know. Man and wife one, indeed! I should
Oh! that hor-hor-i-ble tob-ac-co!          like to know how that can be when a man's a mason-when he keeps a secret that sets him and his
CAUDLE HAS BEEN MADE A MASON-MRS.  wife apart?  Ha, you men make the laws, and so
CAUDLE IS INDIGNANT AND CURIOUES.        you take good care to have all the best of'em to
Now, Mr. Caudle; Mr. Caudle, I say: oh, you yourselves; otherwise a woman ought to be allowed
can't be asleep already, I know. Now, what I a divorce, when a man becomes a mason. When
mean to say is this: there's no use, none at all, in he's got a sort of corner-cupboard in his heart, a
our having any disturbance about the matter; but, secret place in his mind, that his poor wife isn't alat last, my mind's made, Mr. Caudle: I shall leave lowed to rummage.
you. Either I know all you've been doing to-night,   Caudle, you shan't close your eyes for a weekor to-morrow morning I quit the house. No, no: no, you shan't-unless you tell me some of it.
there's an end of the marriage state, I think-an  Come, there's a good creature; there's a love. I'm
end of all confidence between man and wife-if a sure, Caudle, I wouldn't refuse you anything; and
husband's to have secrets and keep'em all to him- you know it, or ought to know it by this time. I
self. Pretty secrets they must be, when his own  only wish I had a secret. To whom should I think
wife can't know'em. Not fit for any decent person  of confiding it, but to my dear husband? I should
to know, I'm sure, if that's the case. Now, Caudle, be miserable to keep it to myself, and you know it.
don't let us quarrel; there's a good soul, tell me Now, Caudle?
what it's all about?  A pack of nonsense, I dare   Was there ever such a man?  A man indeed!
say; still, not that I care much about it-still, I A brute! yes, Mr. Caudle, an unfeeling, brutal creashould like to know. There's a dear. Eh! Oh,  ture, when you might oblige me, and you won't.
don't tell me there's nothing in it; I know better. I'm sure I don't object to your being a mason; not
I'm not a fool, Mr. Caudle; I know there's a good at all, Candle; I dare say it's a very good thing; I
deal in it. Now, Caudle, just tell me a little bit of dare say it is; it's only your making a secret of it
it. I'm sure I'd tell you anything. You know I that vexes me. But you'll tell me; you'll tell your
would.-Well?                                  own Margaret? You won't! You're a wretch, Mr.
Caudle, you're enough to vex a saint! Now, Caudle.
don't you think you're going to sleep; because   But you know why: oh, yes, I can tell. The
you're not. Do you suppose I'd ever suffered you fact is, you're ashamed to let me know what a fool
to go and be made a muson, if I didn't suppose I they've been making of you. That's it. You, at
was to know the secret, too? Not that it's any  your time of life-the father of a family-I should
thing to know, I dare say, and that's why I'm de- be ashamed of myself, Caudle.
termined to know it.                            And I suppose you'll be going to what you call




MY HUSBAND S WINNINGS.                                 1083
your Lodge, every night, now. Lodge, indeed! that's all. That's the secret. And to abuse women,
Pretty place it must be, where they don't admit as if they were inferior animals, and not to be
womnen. Nice goings on, I dare say. Then you trusted. That's the secret, and nothing else.
call one another brethren. Brethren! I'm sure   Now, Caudle, don't let us quarrel. Yes, I know
you had relations enough; you didn't want any  you're in pain. Still, Caudle, my love; Caudle!
more.                                          Dearest, I say, Caudle?  CaudBut I know what all this masonry's about. It's
only an excuse to get away from your wives and    "I recollect nothing more," says Caudle, "for
families, that you may feast and drink together, here, thank Providence, I fell asleep."
MY HUSBAND'S "WINNINGS."
BY DOUGLAS JERROLD.
Most men in something cheat their wives.-THE HONEYItOON.
"THERE,  Mary, my love, take my winnings," fear that his continued good luck may some day
said Mr. Joseph Langshawe; at the same time lay- tempt him to play for a ruinous sum; for it is iming a sovereign and a sixpence upon the breakfast- possible, my dear, that such fortune as Joseph's can
table.                                         last. I should be so happy if he'd never touch a
"Won again, Joseph!" cried Mrs. Langshawe, card again."
with one of her prettiest looks of astonishment.   "Why, you bought that beautiful chain, and your
"Won again!"                                  diamond drops, and all out of your husband's win" Take my winnings," repeated Mr. Langshawe; nings," exclaimed Mrs. Bridleman.
and, suppressing a sigh, he languidly stirred his   "Very true," allowed Mrs. Langshawe; and then
coffee.                                        she repeated, with a deep sigh, "but such fortune
The reader may be assured that, for a winning  as Joseph's can't last."
man, Mr. Joseph Langshawe had one of the longest   Certain we are that the reader, after some furfaces out of Chancery; yet, at the time at which  ther acquaintance with Langshawe, would not
our story commences, he appeared to his wife the wish Joseph's fortune to continue. A brief extract
chosen of good fortune; there never was such a from the conversation of the night previous to the
lucky man! It seemed enough for him to touch  presentation of the sovereign and sixpence, may exthe cards to turn them to trumps. Joseph Lang- plain the mystery of Langshawe's winnings.
shawe had won again!                             "Well, Langshawe," cried a friend from an opCertainly the continued prosperity of Langshawe  posite table, as Joseph rose to go home, " how have
was to his wife marvellous; he never sat down to  you fared to-night?"
cards that he did not rise money in pocket. Had    " As usual," said Joseph, and he tried to whistle;
Joseph made a terrible compact with that crafty  "as usual-there's no standing Bridgeman's luck."
general dealer who continually roams about the    "What!" exclaimed Fourpoints, "lost again?
earth, seeking cheap pennyworths? Had he trucked  why, you always lose."
his immortal jewel for pasteboard diamonds as he    "I should say always," replied Joseph; " never
chose to evoke them in this world?  Had he sur- mind-it's all right; yes, I've just enough;" and
rendered himself to the great demon for a magical Langshawe held in his hand a sovereign, a halfinfluence over tens, and fives, and sequences? In  crown, and a sixpence.
a word, was Joseph Langshawe become the fated    "Brought down to that, eh?" asked Flush, lookFaust of five-card cribbage?  Mysterious fears of ing at the three pieces of coin.
future evil mingled in the marvellings of Mrs. Lang-   "All that's left," answered Langshawe, " out of
shawe!                                         five-and-twenty pounds. Never mind, there's just
enough; half-a-crown will pay for my coach home,
"When I think of Joseph's continued good for- and then-yes, that will make a very good show;"
tune," observed Mrs. Langshawe to a female friend, and Joseph surveyed at a distance the little piece
"I own to you it sometimess makes me tremble."   of gold and lesser piece of silver in his palm; " a
"Why, my dear?" asked Mrs. Bridgeman. " Why? very good show for my winnings."
I thought you told me, like a good creature as he    "Winnings!" exclaimed a new member of the
is, he always gave you his winnings."          club-" winnings! I thought, sir, you had nothing
"And so he does," replied Mrs. Langshawe; " in- but losses?"
variably."                                        " That's very true, sir," replied Longshawe; " not"What a good soul!" exclaimed Mrs. Bridge- withstanding, I always make it a point in my doman. "Dear fellow! it proves him so free from  mestic economy, whatever my losses may be, to
any selfish motives-shows that he merely plays take home my profits to my wife. You perceive,"
for innocent excitement.  And does Langshawe  and Joseph exhibited the coin, "when the coach is
never lose?"                                  paid, although I've lost to Bridgeman nearly four"Never," replied Mrs. Langshawe; "and it is and-twenty pounds, here's just a sovereign and sixthat which makes me so very unhappy."          pence for my winnings."
" Makes you unhappy! Well, you are the stran-   "A sixpence! why be so particular with the sixgest creature," cried Mrs. Bridgeman.          pence?" inquired the new member.
"That is," rejoined Mrs. Langshawe, "when I   Mr. Joseph Langshawe looked one of his gravest




1084                            MY HUSBAND'S WINNINGS.
looks in the face of the new member, and, after a    "What's the matter, dear?" asked Mrs. Langcompassionate shake of the head, observed, "I shawe.
should say, sir, you are a bachelor-I should say,   Mrs. Bridgeman entered into no details of her
pardon me if I'm wrong, that as yet you know no- complaint, but simply observed, " I shall be better
thing of conjugal confidence, otherwise you would  presently."
perceive that the sixpence was a-a clincher."     "Any thing happened at home?" inquired Mrs.
"A clincher!" repeated the simple new mem- Langshawe.  "How's Bridgeman?"
ber.                                              Hath the reader beheld the countenance of an
"The sovereign by itself," observed Joseph, invalid when prescribed a certain drug, of all drugs
might appear suspicious; but don't you perceive  his worst abhorrence?  Hath the reader himself
there's a reality in odd money? Mrs. Langshawe  felt the cold shiver running through his vitals,
will see truth, sir, truth in the tester."     twisting the very tips of his toes-the indescribable
And the next morning, as we have already shown, nausea that hath puckered up his countenance diJoseph handed over to the partner of his worldly  vine, and given his head a shake of most expressive
goods a sovereign and a sixpence-his winnings!   loathing 9 Any one, so experienced, would have
thought from Mrs. Bridgeman's manner that Mrs.
"And who played last night?" asked Mrs. Lang-. Langshawe had spoke, it might be, of rhubarb, and
shawe —we must again ask the reader's attendance  not of Bridgeman-of assafwetida, perhaps, and not
at the breakfast-table-" who played?  Bridge- of a husband.
man?"                                             "I hope he's well?" said Mrs. Langshawe, anx-'Bridgeman," answered Joseph, shortly.       iously.
" My dear Joseph," said Mrs. Langshawe, very    "I believe Mr. Bridgeman is very well," said his
gravely, "I wish you'd exert the influence of a wife; "but you know he never tells me any thing.
friend over Bridgeman; he confesses nothing to his Yes, last night I did gather from him that he had
wife, poor dear woman! —but I'm sure his losses played at cards only with Mr. Langshawe."
must be very heavy. Every body hasn't your good    "So Joseph told me," observed the innocent Mrs.
fortune, Joseph."                              Langshawe.
Langshawe buried that expressive feature, his   "Ha! you are blessed with a fortunate husband,"
mouth, and half his nose, in his tea-cup.      said Mrs. Bridgeman, drily. "Some people, it is
"It would make me truly unhappy, Joseph, if I plain, are born with lucky fingers."
thought you won any of his money," said Mrs.   "I'm afraid it is so; however, Joseph has almost
Langshawe.                                     promised me never, never to play again."
" Make yourself perfectly easy on that point, my    "'Twill be a happy circumstance for some of his
dear," said Langshawe, internally wincing at the friends," remarked Mrs. Bridgeman, significantly.
absurd suspicion; "my hands are clean of Bridge-   " If, however, he will play and win, I am resolved
man, though I played with him."                — for it lies heavily upon my conscience to spend
"I'm delighted to hear it," cried Mrs. Langshawe. the money upon myself-I am determined to devote
"And now, Joseph, if you'll promise me to leave the money to some benevolent purpose; and, since
off play altogether -"                         the thought has taken me, I am so delighted that
"I have serious thoughts of it," said Joseph-   you are come to advise me. What do you think,'You'll make me completely happy. For, de- my dear Mrs. Bridgeman," and Mrs. Langshawe
pend upon it, as I have said again and again, your drew herself nearer to her friend; " what do you
present fortune can't last."                   think of the Society for the Conversion of the
"I've thought so, too," said Langshawe; who  Jews?"
might have added, "and that's why I have gone    "Do you intend to subscribe Mr. Langshawe's
on."                                           winnings of last night to that estimable body?"
" And if you give up cards, perhaps the example  asked Mrs. Bridgeman, biting her lips.
may have a good effect upon Bridgeman; for the    "How  kind the suggestion!" exclaimed Mrs.
Bridgemans are not like us, Joseph; they want, I Langshawe.  "What a good creature you are! I
fear, that mutual confidence in one another, without did not think to do so, but now I certainly shall."
which marriage must be   "                        "For five-and-twenty pounds," said Mrs. Bridge" To be sure, my dear," said Langshawe, acutely  man, with a terrible smile, " no doubt you may be a
anticipating his wife's period-" to be sure. No-  life governess."
I shall give up play."                            "Five-and-twenty pounds!" cried Mrs. Lang"I hope you will-I sincerely hope," said Mrs. shawe, laughingly.
Langshawe, as she took up the sovereign and the    "The losses of Mr. Bridgeman last night," resixpence, "that this will be the last of your win- marked his wife; "he played with Mr. Langshawe,
nings."                                        and, I presume, as usual, the fortunate man gave
you his winnings." This was said in a cold, cutting
Noon had scarcely passed, ere a passionate knock- tone, sharp enough to sever every silver tie of
ing at the door of the Langshawes announced a female friendship.
visitor. "Bless me! yes, it is-it is dear Mrs.   "My dear Mrs. Bridgeman, there must he some
Bridgeman," said Mrs. Langshawe, with unmingled  mistake. Joseph gave me his winnings, certainly,
surprise aud pleasure, as she heard the silvery voice but they were only a sovereign    "
of her friend on the staircase. " Dear Mrs. Bridge-   "A sovereign!" exclaimed Mrs. Bridgeman conman!"                                         temptuously.
As the visitor was introduced, Mrs. Langshawe    "And a-sixpence," added Mrs. Langshawe, with
jumped from her chair to run and kiss her best ac- her usual meekness.
quaintance, when Mrs. Bridgeman smiled somewhat   " And a sixpence! A sovereign and a sixpence!
severely, half-dropped a curtesy, put her hand to  My dear," said Mrs. Bridgenman, with awakened
her brow, and sank into a seat.                sympathy, "you are deceived, an injured woman."




MY HUSBAND'S WINNINGS.                                 1085
"Do you really think so?" asked Mrs. Langshawe, man; she, too, looked towards the door, and then
unconscious of her calamity.                   said, "I can, Mr. Langshawe."
"Mr. Langshawe won five-and-twenty pounds-I    " Then, between ourselves, my dear madam," said
have secret, but certain means of knowing-of Langshawe, in a low, soft voice, " I never win."
poor innocent Bridgeman; five-and-twenty pounds,   "Never win, Mr. Langshawe!"Madam; and the crafty man makes his winnings a    "Never.  The truth is, Mary,-bless her!-is
sovereign and a-a    well, the effrontery of some  such a rigid economist in every thing that concerns
people! And had you no suspicion of your hus- herself-is so averse to laying out a shilling upon
band's falsehood?  Why, that very sixpence-the  the smallest trinket, that I am compelled to use a
affected scrupulousness of the thing-would have little harmless deceit, to induce her to commit the
made me doubt him. My love, I have seen more least expense."
of the marriage state than you, and I know that   "Then your winnings last night, Mr. Langmen are never so very particular, except when they  shawe?"mean to deceive us."                              "Quite apocryphal, I assure you-all, what I may
"I'm sure I can't see why Joseph should misre- call," said Langshawe, "a conjugal fiction."
present his winnings. I don't see the motive,"   "Mr. Langshawe,"-said Mrs. Bridgeman, with a
said the artless Mrs. Langshawe.               subdued fierceness that made Joseph stare,-" a
"Perhaps not, my love; perhaps not.  How  man may from habit consider himself justified in atshould you know what he does with all his money? tempting the most unblushing fraud upon his own
It's plain he has some object in deceiving you," wife-habit goes far, in all matters —but, sir, that
was the charitable opinion, expressed with more  you should hold my common sense in so contemptuthan sufficient force, of Mrs. Bridgeman.       ous a light "" It would really seem so," said Mrs. Langshawe,   "My dear madam, I protest," exclaimed Langalmost trembling at her doubts.                shawe, coloring to the eyelids; "I protest that I
"'Be sure of it," said Mrs. Bridgeman; "you  have the profoundest sense of"hav'n't a twentieth part of his winnings, and where    " Adds, sir-adds to the meanness of your first
they go   "                                     duplicity. You know that Mr. Bridgeman, your
"Many pardons," cried Langshawe, who had sud- dear friend, as you are pleased to call him, last night
denly opened the door; "trust I break upon no lost five-and-twenty pounds."
secrets. How's Bridgeman?"                        "I vow I know nothing of the matter," cried
Mrs. Bridgeman looked at one hand, then at the  Joseph.
other, and, with an effort, said, "I hope-that is,   "And more, and worse than all, that Mr. Langvery well."                                    shawe was the winner."' Where are you going, love?" asked Langshawe,   "Now, my dear Mrs. Bridgeman," said Joseph,
as his wife moved towards the door.            almost amused at the extravagance of the charge,
"Entertain Mrs. Bridgeman for a minute; I'll he himself having been the sufferer,-" it is very
return directly," said Mrs. Langshawe; for she felt true that I spoke of winnings to Mary-I "her eyes filling with tears as she looked upon Joseph,   " I know, sir-I know; one piece of gold and a
and thought of his duplicity, the sovereign, and the  sixpence. Mr. Langshawe," cried Mrs. Bridgeman,
sixpence.                                      for a lady, very sternly-" I am astounded at your
" Bridgeman, very well, eh?" said Langshawe, in  double falsehood-I blush for your meannesshis easy, pleasant style.                       I""All things considered, remarkably well," an-   Langshawe could say nothing. For the first time
swered Mrs. Bridgeman.                          he regretted that he had ever appeared to his wife
" Nothing happened?" inquired Langshawe, struck  a winning man.
by the serious manner of the lady. "Eh? bless   "Mr. Langshawe," exclaimed Mrs. Bridgeman,
me! all right at home I hope?-no domestic loss-  with new energy, " may I solicit of you one-a last
no   "'                                        -favor?"
"Some people, Mr. Langshawe, would call it one.   " Twenty, my dear Mrs. Bridgeman," answered
Mr. Bridgeman's income, though sufficient for all the obliging Joseph.
reasonable enjoyments, is hardly adequate to the    "One-one will suffice, Mr. Langshawe. Promise
calls made by cards upon it, together with the con- me never to play with my unfortunate husband
stant good fortune of his bosom friends."      again. Heaven knows what his losses may have
"Bridgeman plays now and then, to be sure," been!  His poor wife knows nothing. But where
said Langshawe, in mollifying voice, " but then he there are great winnings, there must consequently
always wins."                                  be-you understand me, dear Mr. Langshawe?" —
"Wins!" exclaimed Mrs. Bridgeman; "you know  and Mrs. Bridgeman tried to forget her passion, and
-better than anybody, you know-that last night to smile Langshawe into acquiescence.  "Poor
he lost five-and-twenty pounds."                Bridgeman," she added in a very equivocal tone,
"Is it possible?" cried Langshawe.          "is really no match for you. You are-you know
"Possible!" echoed the lady. "Losing would you are-I hear it upon all hands-such an invinseem a matter of certainty when he plays with some cible player; whilst simple Bridgeman in the vanity
people. It is as certain for Mr. Bridgeman to lose of his heart thinks himself your equal. Now, do,
as for Mr. Langshawe to win."                  pray take pity of his weakness-don't, don't play
Langshawe, hurt by the words, yet more by the with him;" and Mrs. Bridgeman solicited the compiercing looks of Mrs. Bridgeman, resolved to clear passion of Langshawe, as she would have entreated
himself of the odium of constant success. With  the mercy of a highwayman; indeed, despite of the
this determination, first glancing towards the door, peculiarity of Joseph's winnings, he felt himself behe took the lady's hand. " My dear Mrs. Bridge- fore Mrs. Bridgeman somewhat in the situation of a
man, I'm sure you can keep a secret."          pickpocket. "There is a fate about you," said Mrs.
The compliment at once disarmed Mrs. Bridge- Bridgeman —" as might be said of Macbeth, you




1086                            MY HUSBAND'S WINNINGS.
bear'charmed' cards-therefore, do spare my silly    Mrs. Langshawe's manner had so surprised Bridgeman-do spare "-                                man-her sudden energy had so confused him, that
" Mr. Bridgeman," said the servant, opening the  the color rose to his face, and he began to stammer,
door.                                          as he thought-" It's plain, Joseph has confessed
"Bridgeman!" cried his wife and Langshawe.    his losses-it's plain " —"My mistress is with him, sir," said the domestic,   " Five-and-twenty pounds?" again pressed Mrs.
and disappeared.                               Langshawe.
It was too true. Whilst Mrs. Bridgeman and Mr.   " Not-not quite," answered Bridgeman.
Langshawe had been left to conversation, Mrs.   "It is true, then," cried Mrs. Langshawe;  "Mrs.
Langshawe and Mr. Bridgeman-the gentleman en- Bridgeman is right!"
tered the house as Mary quitted Joseph —had dis-   "Mrs. Bridgeman!" said her husband.
coursed of the gain and loss of the preceding evening.   "It was she who told me the real amount of
"Mr. Bridgeman, I am so glad you are come," money lost, and not Mr. Langshawe. That Joseph
said the gentle Mrs. Langshawe. " Your dear wife should have won nearly five-and-twenty pounds of
is up stairs."                                  you-of you, his old, his early friend!  I shall
"Indeed!" observed Bridgeman, very tranquilly; hardly know how to look in Mrs. Bridgeman's face
he then asked-" how's Langshawe?"             again-I shall —"
"Very well; he's with your lady.  Oh! Mr.   To the inexpressible relief of Bridgeman-who,
Bridgeman, I cannot express to you how much I am  really being the winner of his friend's money, felt
annoyed at the circumstances of last night."   with double acuteness the reproaches inveighed
Mr. Bridgeman put his hand to his chin, gently  against the innocent - Langshawe entered the
exalted his shoulders, and spoke not.           apartment, — Mrs. Langshawe instantly quitting
"I wish to my heart that Joseph would not play, it.
for his fortune is so extraordinary," said Mrs. Lang-   "Bridgeman," said Langshawe, in a low voice,
shawe.                                          and with an accusing shake of the head, "this is
Now, as Mr. Bridgeman was fully aware that, al- really very wrong."
though Joseph always lost to him, he invariably, as    "There's something wrong, somewhere," replied
in the case of the sovereign and the sixpence, took  Bridgeman.
home winnings to some amount to Mrs. Langshawe,   " My dear fellow," cried Langshawe, "if you
he did not feel quite at ease in his present situa- wanted to account for five-and-twenty pounds to
tion with that lady. "Fortune," he endeavored to  your wife, you needn't have laid the loss upon my
observe, "does act extraordinarily with Lang- shoulders."
shawe."                                           "I account to Mrs. Bridgeman! I lose five-and"And then there is something to me so uncom- twenty pounds!'Twas just my winnings.  The
fortable, to say the least of it, in winning money of fact is, Langshawe-not that I am under the influour friends;" and Mrs. Langshawe looked innocent- ence of my wife-"
ly in the perturbed face of Bridgeman.            " No more am I-not at all-no man less," said
"Cards are like love, Mrs. Langshawe, as I take  Langshawe.  "If I have fabled a little as to my
it; friends are not to be considered in the matter," winnings, it was out of affection, not fear-no, no,
replied the impartial Bridgeman.               it was to keep Mary happy, and the house quiet"I can't think so. I think there is something al- nothing more."
most mean and sordid in these continual attempts on    " I was about to say, if you must win large sums
the purse of those for whom we profess an esteem, of money, you might, out of respect to the feelings
a friendship," said Mrs. Langshawe.            of Mrs. Bridgeman, win them of anybody but her
Mr. Bridgeman, with the weight of many pounds husband."
of his friend Langshawe about the neck of his con-   "But I never win large sums; never, never but
science, began to think the interview less pleasant once, when I told Mary that I had won thirty
than it might have been. It was plain, however, guineas, because I wanted her to buy a pair of diafrom her looks, that Mrs. Langshawe expected some  mond drops, which otherwise she wouldn't consent
reply; therefore Mr. Bridgeman nodded his head  to purchase. Never a large sum, but then," said
affirmatively.                                 Langshawe.
"But the worst of all is, Mr. Bridgeman," said    " Nonsense! Mrs. Langshawe feels assured at this
Mrs. Langshawe, with animation, " that falsehood, minute that you won a large sum of me last night,"
positive falsehood, comes of the practice. Never cried Bridgeman.
-never before has Joseph deceived me!" (Poor    "And if she does," replied Langshawe, "it is belittle dear!) " And now I have found him capable  cause Mrs. Bridgeman told her as much; and who
of the least deceit —of misrepresentation in the sim- told Mrs. Bridgeman I needn't declare to you."
plest thing-it has made me truly wretched. With-   -" Langshawe," said BridgemIan, " we have known
out mutual confidence, Mr. Bridgeman, there can  one another many years, and I should be sorry to
be no happiness in the marriage state."        quarrel with you."
Mr. Bridgeman bowed very solemnly-perhaps it   " Should equally regret it, Bridgeman," answered
was so.                                        Langshawe; "but when men can't keep matters
"To be sure, ne may have been ashamed of the  like these to themselves-when their wives must be
sum —really, too much to win of anybody, and  made parties to every thing-there's an end to
more than all, of a friend."                   every principle of manly friendship.'
" Has Langshawe really confessed to having lost?   " I think so, too," was the gloomy reply of Bridg&Did he bring home no winnings?" thought Bridge- man.
man.                                              "At all events, then, Mr. Bridgeman," said Lang"Tell me, pray tell me, Mr. Bridgeman, was not shawe, endeavoring to clothe his lengthened face
the loss between you last night five-and-twenty  with dignity-" at all events,"
pounds?"                                         Unhappily, or we should rather say happily, the




MY HUSBAND'S WINNINGS.                                 1087
appearance of the ladies not only cut short the wouldn't have had you keep those winnings for any
wordy encounter of the gentlemen, but the smiles consideration."
and beamy looks of the wives suddenly lighted up    "Keep them!  Why —eh? —Mrs. Bridgeman
the faces of their husbands. The ladies requested seemed suddenly in excellent spirits-you never rethat nothing more might be said of the matter, and, turned the money-you —
hoping that their husbands would leave filthy cards   "Not exactly the money, Joseph," said Mrs.
for ever, all shook hands, and, at the usual hour, Langshawe, who smiled with some meaning.
sat down happily to dinner.                      Mr. Langshawe gaped, stared, and said, "Not
exactly money-what then?"
Mr. and Mrs. Bridgeman had departed from their   "Oh! I hit upon an excellent plan. You know my
home, and Mr. and Mrs. Langshawe still sat at their diamond drops, that I bought out of your winnings?'
hearth.                                          " Thirty guineas!" cried Joseph Langshawe, turn"I forgive you, Joseph, this time, but never tell ing a little pale.
me a fib again," said the pretty Mrs. Langshawe.   "Mrs. Bridgeman was always admiring them.
"Moreover, if you must play, promise me not to  So, to-day, whilst you and her husband were alone,
win of Bridgeman. His wife found out his loss in after a little persuasion, I induced Mrs. Bridgeman
the oddest way; he had taken out fifty pounds to -to accept them."
pay a bill, and returned home-how she discovered    " You did, Mary?"
that I can't tell-with less than half the money;   " I did, Joseph!" said Mrs. Langshawe, delighted
the bill, however, was not paid, for'twas called for at her dexterity.
before he was up."  (The truth is that Bridgeman    "Your diamond drops!" cried Langshawe.
had not taken the note with him, but replaced it in    "And as they cost thirty guineas, and as last
his desk.) "When she heard that he had played night you took less than five-and-twenty of Bridgewith you, knowing that you always won, she of man, why, his wife having the diamonds, you may
course concluded that you had the money. And now be said to have won less than nothing," said
how naughty of you to tell me such a tale about a Mrs. Langshawe.
sovereign, and    but I have promised not to scold    "Much less," groaned Joseph.
you;" and Mrs. Langshawe patted the blushing
cheek of Joseph.                                 We believe, though we cannot vouch for him, that
" She's a very violent woman, Mrs. Bridgeman," from that time Langshawe forswore cards. Of this,
said Langshawe.                                however, we are certain; if he did play, Mrs. Lang"Very; I was quite surprised at her passion-be- shawe was never again perplexed with her —" hussides, it showed an avarice that-oh, Joseph, I band's winnings."
YOUNG hearts and old hearts                    Young hearts have freshness,
Cannot live together;                          Beauty, and joyWarm hearts and cold hearts                    Young hearts are pure gold!
Make but foul weather.                         Old hearts alloy!
Young hearts and old hearts                    Old hearts are sadness,
Are deadly foes-                               Young hearts are mirthYoung hearts are POETRY!                       Young hearts are HEAVEN!
Old hearts are PROSE!                         Old hearts are EARTI.




1088                           THE ADVENTURES OF A  TALE.
THE ADVENTURES OF A TALE.
BY THE HON. MRS. ERSKINE NORTON.
I could [and will] a tale unfold.-HAMLET.
IT is with indignation such only as a literary cornm- ing scenes and sentiments with which I abound, I
position, conscious of its own high value, and smart- was nearly obliterated by her tears, my material
ing under injustice and neglect, can be supposed to  parts being composed with a very fine pen and very
feel, that I lift up my voice from behind the serried  pale ink; at other times, when the stronger pasranks of my companions, long tales and short, the  sions took possession of the scene, and revenge,
light effusion of three pages, or the decided weight hatred, and fury predominated, she would crush
of three volumes; serious tales or gay; moral or me in her hand, "her eyes in a fine frenzy rolling,"
profane; fine French or low Irish; tales without an  and throw me to the other end of the room. Of
end, and tales that ought never to have had a be- course she had some difficulty in smoothing me out
ginning; tales in ponderous verse or in gossamer again. Nevertheless I grew in stature, and in faprose; the delicate and brittle ware called travel- vor with mamma, myself, and four young ladies,
lers' tales; or those more substantial and important- her neighbors, (all under fifteen,) who were at
looking matters, political economy tales. I say, home for the holidays.  On the assembling of this
that from behind this prodigious phalanx, I rise up  little coterie, I was mysteriously brought forth from
like Erskine from the big-wigs of the first law-court my perfumed drawer, where I lay covered with dry
he addressed, elevating myself as the young coun- rose-leaves; and read by the author of my being,
sellor on his bench, and making myself heard,-  in a way in which an author only can read. My
not, it is true, in the general cause of justice, lib- young auditory listened in profound attention and
erty, humanity, etc., but in that cause in which all, admiration, secretly resolving that they too would
if not eloquent, are at least earnest and sincere- try their unfledged- wings in authorship, when they
in the cause of self.                             had left off school and finished their education.
It is said that Minerva (a goddess) sprang from  Except to these four interesting girls, my existence
the brain of Jupiter without a mamma; I, Sera- was a profound secret.
phina (a tale,) issued forth from the lovely head (I    My composition is certainly enough to excite
am not quite so sure of the brain) of a fair roman- emulation, however hopeless. I am (though I say
tic young lady, without a papa; —at least, so I pre- it myself) an exquisite tale. My heroine is a model
sume, for my composition is purely feminine; my  of beauty, virtue, tenderness, and thrilling sensislight and delicate texture could only have been  bility; "a perfect wonder that the world ne'er
woven by an unassisted female imagination.        saw;" therefore the world ought the more to apWhile yet in embryo, I was christened Seraphi- preciate so rare a conception.  Her mother was a
na, and was to be composed in three or four rea- suffering angel on earth; but, happily for herself,
sonably long letters (ladies' letters, crossed and re- she removed to a more congenial abode, while her
crossed with different colored inks,) to Clementina. cherub child was yet in infancy.  The surviving
My respected parent decided that there was noth- parent is, of course, a horrid tyrant, who cannot
ing equal to the epistolary form for describing the  comprehend the highly-wrought sensibilities of his
sentiments and adventures of a heroine; for, who  daughter, and therefore will not give way to them.
like herself can lay open all those finer and minuter There is the suitor favored by the father, and the
feelings of the inmost heart, pouring into the ear lover favored by the daughter.  There are a lockof sympathizing friendship every wish, every hope, ing up, an elopement, delicate and dubious situaevery thought!  Soul meets soul, even through the  tions full of excitement, misapprehensions of all
vulgar medium of pens, ink, and paper; " thoughts kinds, a false female friend, libertine lords, fine unthat glow and words that burn" are traced by the  feeling ladies, dark stormy nights, and a catastrodelicate fingers that "resume the pen," with a ce- phe of the most extraordinary, pathetic, and soullerity altogether surprising; no agitation can delay, subduing interest. Add then, my descriptions of
no fatigue can excuse; the half-dozen sheets of nature! my silver moon and diamond stars! my
foolscap that are to be run over before she can lay  rustling trees! my woodbine, jessamine, and vioher throbbing temples on her pillow, her white  lets!
drapery (i. e. her night-gown) floating round her,    A little conceit I acknowledge to, when copied on
her long hair unbound (very much out of curl,) her pale pink, gilt-edged paper, curiously ornamented
snowy feet on the cold marble (she has lost her with embossed loves and doves, written in a neat,
slippers,) her door carefully locked, but the trellised  small running-hand, the tails of my letters prettily
casement left open that the pale moonbeams may  curled, plenty of dashes, and a very few stops, I
peep. through it; her lamp is decaying, her hands  was thus headed:
are trembling, her eyes swimming in tears:-n'importe, the six sheets of foolscap are finished!  0,FFERING SEN
there is nothing like the epistolary form!  Sera-          A TALE. BY A FAIR UNKNOWN.
phina shall be in letters to Clementina:                Love rules the camp, the court, the grove,
And man below, and saints above,
Sure, letters were invented for some wretch's aid,  For love is heaven, and heaven is love.
Some absent lover, or some captive maid.-PoPE.                       LAY OF TIIE LAST MINSTREL.
I can just recollect, as I began to assume form    I was highly scented, and sealed in green wax,
and consistency, how much and how dearly I was with a device of Cupid tormenting a heart.
fondled by my young and doting mother; indeed,   The dignified half-yearly was selected for my deat times, I ran some danger of being killed by kind- but. It rarely admitted literature of my class, and
ness. While transcribing some of the deeply affect- such only of acknowledged merit; consequently it




THE ADVENTURES OF A TALE.                                 1089
was considered my proper and natural medium. and my remembrances to my cousins; and believe
From  it, I was to be commented on and extracted  me your dutiful son." I sighed, and turned to a busiin the monthlies, as well in Edinburgh and Dublin  ness-like looking letter, directed in a precise hand to
as in London; I was to be pirated by the Ameri- Messrs. —, in some dark lane in the city. The
cans, and translated by the French; and at the  names of the persons addressed, and a very exact
end of the year I was, by express permission, to  date, took up, as in the school-boy's letter, a vast
appear in one of the most fashionable annuals, my  deal of room, and then it began: " Gentlementenderest scene forming the subject of a gorgeous We beg to acknowledge yourfavor of the 1st infrontispiece, on which the most celebrated artists stant —"  I could not get any farther, for I was
were to lavish their talents. The identification of suddenly attracted by a smart-looking and very
the "Fair Unknown," was to become the puzzle  highly scented affair, sealed, and directed to a lord;
of the season; and already many scenes of admir- but was disappointed on finding it was only a Bonding wonder on the part of others, and of dignified  street perfumer's little yearly account of one hunmodesty on her own, had been played off in the  dred and fifty pounds for perfumes, fine soaps, coldactive imagination of my dear parent: the  ac- cream, and tooth-brushes.  There was no other
knowledgment of Evelina by its young authoress very close to me, so I ventured gently to push my
to her father, and the final recognition of the Great way to a curiously folded epistle directed to Miss
Unknown, were her models.                       Matilda Dandeville, Oxford-street: "Dear Tilly-. At length, with this dazzling perspective before  Pray send me, as soon as you can, my close bonme, I was dismissed from the maternal embrace. net, for my nose is nearly off from wearing my pink
Betty, the house-maid, slipped with me out of the  silk and blonde this freezing weather. Full of life
street-door, holding me with a piece of white paper and fun here! Shall tell you all when we meet.
between her finger and thumb, to prevent her soil- It will be your turn next; meantime, business,
ing my envelope; while my mother watched us business! money, money!  Love to all inquiring
from the window with tears in her eyes. On reach- friends."  I felt disgusted. Do not gentlemen and
ing the two-penny post-office, Betty, without any  ladies write by the twopenny-post?  Nothing but
ceremony, pushed me through a slit beneath a win- duns, bills, business, and money!  Is there no
dow, and, to my great discomposure, I fell head  sense, sentiment, or sensibility, to be found in a
over heels into a dirty box full of all sorts of queer- twopenny-post-bag?  I certainlly did observe some
looking epistles. As might be expected, I pain- fashionable-looking letters, and one decidedly with
fully felt this my first tumble (for I cannot call it a coronet, but they were too far down, quite unatstep) into real from imaginary life. I had scarcely  tainable; so I drew myself up as much apart as
time to recover from the shock, before the box was possible from the things by which I was so unhapwithdrawn, and we were all turned out by a fat pily surrounded, and remained the rest of the way
woman on a horrid thing called a counter, where in dignified stillness. My wounded feelings were
we were sorted, as she termed it, and distributed, somewhat soothed by observing the awe, mingled
with a rapidity that was quite confounding, to three  with curiosity, with which I was regarded; and
or four shabby-looking men having bags under their somewhat amused by the perfumer's genteel acarms. I, being the first turned out, was the last count turning its back on the butcher's bill, and
the post-mistress clawed up. She retained me a the lady of the pink and blonde squeezing herself
full minute, twirled me round, examined my seal, into a corner to avoid contact with a house-maid.
thrust her great finger between my delicate side  The school-boy alone was at perfect liberty-and a
folds, and brought me up to her eye to peer if pos- great annoyance he was-evidently delighting to
sible into my inside, when the monster who held jumble us all together by a single jump, and conhis bag open to receive me, called out,        stantly peering  at my seal, trying to read my
"Come, mistress-can't wait no longer!"       address, and touching my embossed and gilded
"Well," she replied, "bless me, if this don't edges.
look for all the world like a walentine!" and into    At length, we reached our district, and that nerthe bag she reluctantly dropped me, writhing as I vous sound, the postman's rap, was heard in rapid
was with pain and indignation.                 succession down the street; heads were popped out
When I had somewhat smoothed my ruffled at windows, and doors were opened, and pence
plumes, I ventured to look round on my fellow- ready, before we reached. Out hopped the housetravellers, in search of some congenial spirit with  maid, out jumped the school-boy; and, as my felwhom I might beguile the tediousness of time, as low-travellers departed, I sank gradually lower,
we jolted along on the shoulders of the postman; until I arrived among the genteel-looking letters I
but I looked round in vain. My nearest neighbor, had spied at a distance; a slight shuffle was perto my great annoyance, was a butcher's bill, with  ceptible among them: their black and red seals
whom every jolt brought me in contact; the dirty  were erected with great gravity, and my pink dye
thing had a wet wafer pressed down by a greasy  became almost crimson when I found that, from
thumb. I shrank from it with horror, and fell back  the gaiety of my attire, they evidently thought me
on an epistle from a young gentleman at school, "no better than I should be;" however, I had
which was at least clean, and in fair, round char- scarcely time to feel uneasy, so swift were our
acters; so I attended to what it had to say. The  evolutions, and so completely were we all turned
date took up a large portion of the paper, and  topsy-turvy every time the postman's hand was
then: "My dear mamma-I have the pleasure to  introduced among us, and that was every minute;
inform you that our Christmas vacation begins on the big-wigs lost their dignity, and as to me, I felt
the 20th. I am very well. I hope you are very  my seal crack like a lady's stay-lace; I thought my
well. I hope my papa is very well; and my broth- envelope was torn away, and that I myself would
ers and sisters, my uncles, aunts, and cousins. I have been displayed. Shocked at the very idea of
beg my duty to my papa, my love to my brothers such a catastrophe, I sank senseless to the bottom
and sisters, my respects to my uncles and aunts, of the bag, and only recovered on being violently




1090                           THE ADVENTURES OF A TALE.
shaken from it, and hearing my brutal conductor press under his arm. My mother's heart leaped in
exclaim: "Why, here it is, to be sure; and if it her bosom, her face became scarlet, and her mouthisn't the walentine itself, I declare!"  He seized his ful of bread and butter nearly choked her. Her
pence, and, folding up his empty bag, strode off.   father dawdled a little over the advertisements and
I found myself in the hands of a respectable man- answers to correspondents; at the latter he smiled.
servant out of livery, who, after having examined  "What amuses you, sir?" inquired his anxious
me with a look of surprise, introduced me up stairs  daughter in a tone of forced calmness: he read,
into rather a dark and heavy drawing-room, with, " A Fair Unknown is earnestly requested to send
however, a cheerful fire, book-cases, and portraits for her babe immediately; the Half-yearly having
of distinguished authors. I lay foi some time on a no intention of cherishing, fostering, furthering, or
circular table, which was covered with newspapers fathering it in any way whatever."  It was well for
and periodicals; there was a dead silence; if I had  his thunder-stricken auditor that the reader became
had a heart, it would have beaten audibly. At immediately too much absorbed in a political paper
length, a side-door opened, and a young gentleman  to notice the effect of this appalling blow. She
stept in from an adjoining room; he glanced his made her escape unobserved; I was instantly sent
eyes over the table, evidently in search of letters for, torn from my coarse envelope, and pressed to
from the post; and, when he saw me, he smiled, her agonized bosom.
and, picking me up, carried me into the room he    Her four friends had returned to school; she
had just left. I am sure he must have felt me  could not therefore have the benefit of their advice
tremble in his grasp. In this apartment, the only  and condolence; and, to tell the truth, she did not
furniture was chairs and three writing-tables, the  appear much to regret this circumstance-the mortwo smaller of which were occupied by my bearer tification of their presence would have been too
and another young gentleman; but at that in the  great.
centre was seated a grave, elderly personage, rather    Betty was not even let into the secret; I was
large in person, with bushy eye-brows, and keen, placed in a plain white envelope, accompanied by a
penetrating eyes. I, who was extremely ignorant note much less romantic than the first, addressed
at that time, and had heard much of the knowledge, to a Monthly: and, being sealed with a more repower, and dignity, of the Half-yearly, without ex- spectable and well-behaved seal, she hid me in her
actly knowing what it was, took this gentleman for muff, and dropped me herself into the same dirty
it himself. My introducer held me up to his young  box as before.
companion, and a stifled laugh passed between    The Monthly was not nearly so terrible a person
them; but, recovering his gravity, he laid me on  as the Half-yearly. He was not at home on my
the Half-yearly's desk, as near under his spectacles arrival in the evening, and I was Jaid with several
as he could bring me without interrupting his pen. other very literary-looking letters on a table in his
The old gentleman started, frowned, and, lowering  dressing-room, near a good fire, with a lamp ready
his head, looked at me from above his spectacles, to light, a pair of slippers on the hearth-rug, and a
(an awful way of looking, as is well known,) inquir- large easy chair with a dressing-gown thrown over
ed gruffly, " What's this?"  " A letter by the two- it. All this looked sociable and comfortable; and,
penny, sir; a lady's verses, I should think, by its feeling quite in spirits, I curtsied respectfully to a
appearance."  "D-  ladies' verses!  Take it moral paper, shook hands with a political argument,
away."  "Shall we open it, sir?"  "Don't pester chatted with a jeu d'esprit, and flirted with a sonme!" and in an instant afterwards he was lost in  net.
his important meditations.                        The Monthly returned home about midnight in
The two young gentlemen cut round my seal, exceeding good humor, humming an opera tune;
and perused the note of the Fair Unknown, with  he lit his lamp, donned his dressing-gown, thrust
tears-but not of sympathy. I was then taken up, his feet into his slippers, and, having mused a little
and passages here and there recited in an under- while over the fire, ventured a glance at the table.
tone with mock gravity, eliciting, in spite of their "The deuce take it, what a lot there are of them!'
superior, bursts of irrepressible laughter; these, at he exclaimed; "politics, morality, and poetry, I
last, attracted his attention, and looking over his am not fit for to-night, that's very clear; something
shoulder he angrily inquired what they were about. entertaining —what's this?" (taking up me)-" a
"Pray, sir, do look at this! it is quite a curiosity;" woman's hand-prose —a tale-just the very thing!"
and my note was handed to him.                  and forthwith I was begun.
"A fair unknown, with that modesty which ever   Reader, can you imagine-no, you cannot, so
accompanies genius; with faltering accent, timid  there is no use in appealing to your sympathystep, and eyes that seek the ground, presumes to  the state of agitation I was in?  He read amazingly
lay at the feet of the great Half-yearly the first- fast, and hummed and ha'ed as he proceeded; and,
born of her imagination! She prays him not to  to my utter astonishment, at one of my most paspurn the babe: but to take it, cherish it, and usher thetic appeals he burst into a fit of laughter; in
it into the world! It is his own!"             short-I grieve to say it-but I fear the Monthly,
"Mine!" exclaimed the Half-yearly, settling his as indeed he himself had hinted, had indulged a
wig; " I hope she does not mean to swear it to me; little too freely,-had taken a little drop too much;
such scrapes are marvellously difficult to get out of. for, soon after this unaccountable  explosion of
Wafer up the babe, if you please, gentlemen, in a merriment, he yawned, settled himself more desheet of foolscap, (its proper swaddling band,) cidedly in his chair, read very much slower, and at
and add a sentence to our Notices to Correspond- last, on observing that he turned over two of my
ents."                                          pages at once without finding it out, I ventured to
In a few weeks after this memorable scene, my  look up, and, behold! his eyes were closing-sleep
young and tender parent was at breakfast with her was creeping over him! I lay aghast, every mofamily, when her father entered, carrying a new  ment inclining more and more backwards, till I
Half-yearly, with leaves uncut, and hot from the  reposed upon his knee.  The pangs of wounded




THE DOG FANCIER.                                    1091
pride, acute as they were, began to give way to  ways, in the Diddle-town coach, I recalled to my
apprehensions of the most serious nature; his hold  recollection all that I had heard (especially while I
momentarily relaxed, and at length I fell-fell over lay smothered up for six weeks on the learned
the fender, reader! and there I lay roasting like a Half-yearly's table,) of the. many great luminaries
Spanish priest cooked by a French soldier, (the  of literature who had struggled into light and life
French, they say, are excelleht cooks,) until he  through the dark and chilling mists of neglect, igshould discover the hidden treasures of his mon- norance, and envy. I had no doubt but that I
astery.                                         should yet burst forth from my cloud, astonishing
Alas! I thought my treasures were lost for ever and dazzling the weak eyes which had hitherto reto the literary world! There they lay, scorching  fused to encounter, or were incapable of dwelling
and melting, until at last fortunately a cinder, in- upon, my beauty and brilliancy.
spired no doubt by the Muses, leaped out to my    On being presented to the Diddle-town editor, he
protection, and, by destroying a small portion, immediately seized upon me with great glee, and
saved the remainder; for the smell of fire became  carried me off, without reading me, to the printer's
so strong, that a servant, who had just let himself devil; and, to my utter astonishment, I found myinto the house from a high-life below stairs party, self in the process of printing, an hour after my arcame rushing in with a nose extended to its utmost rival. Although this consummation had long been
width, rousing and alarming his sleeping master. devoutly wished, I cannot say I was much flattered
"Deuce take it!" exclaimed the Monthly on per- at its mode.
ceiving me, " in ten minutes more we should have    I appeared in the " Rosebud" of Diddle-town.
been all set on fire by this d-d soporijic (I think  The editor gave out that I was the production of a
that is what he called me.) Who would have  celebrated lady-author, anonymous on the occasion
thought it had spirit enough to burn!" The next to all but him. I was demurely listened to by a
morning I was despatched home, without a single  coterie of old maids, who, on my conclusion, curtline, not even an apology, for my miserable condi- sied to the reader and curtsied to each other, sightion.                                           ed, and inquired if there were a picture; I was
The curse of Cain was upon me; my own mother hummed over by two or three lazy half-pay officers;
(who had become engaged in the creation of another I was spelt over by a cottage-full of young laceoffspring) received me with mortifying coolness, and  makers; and I was wept over by the Diddle-town
beheld my burnt and disfigured tale with horror and  milliner's apprentice girls.
contempt. She gave up all thoughts of the London    But my desire for a larger and nobler sphere of
annuals, (her new pet was intended for one of them,) action can no longer be suppressed; I am  deterand, having coarsely repaired me, I was put into  mined to make known that I exist, and to inform
the general post, addressed to a country annual, the reading world, and all who, like many great
the "Rosebud " of Diddle-town.                  philophers of old, are eager to peek what they are
The glowing aspirations of youth were chilled, never likely to find, that the Tale of Seraphina remisfortune had set her seal upon me; but, although  poses in all its neglected sweetness, and unapprehope was diminished, pride remained unquelled, ciated, because unappreciable, beauty, on the leaves
for, as I glided over high-ways, and jolted over by- of the " Rosebud " of Diddle-town.
THE DOG FANCIER.
FROM " REVELATIONS OF LONDON."  BY WM. HARRISON AINSWORTH.
THE ROOKERY!  Who that has passed Saint your sense of smell.  As you advanced, picking
Giles's, on the way to the city, or coming from it, your way through kennels flowing with filth, or
but has caught a glimpse, through some narrow  over putrescent heaps of rubbish and oyster-shells,
opening, of its squalid habitations, and wretched  all the repulsive and hideous features of the place
and ruffianly occupants!  Who but must have been  were displayed before you. There was something
struck with amazement, that such a huge receptacle  savagely picturesque in the aspect of the place, but
of vice and crime should be allowed to exist in the  its features were too loathsome to be regarded with
very heart of the metropolis, like an ulcerated spot, any other feeling than disgust. The houses looked
capable of tainting the whole system!  Of late, the  as sordid, and as thickly crusted with the leprosy
progress of improvement has caused its removal; of vice as their tenants. Horrible habitations they
but whether any less cogent motive would have  were, in truth. Many of them were without winabated the nuisance, may be questioned. For years dows, and where the fiames were left, brown paper
the evil was felt, and complained of, but no effort or tin supplied the place of glass; some even wantwas made to remedy it, or to cleanse these worse  ed doors, and no effort was made to conceal the
than Augean stables. As the place is now partial- squalor within. On the contrary, it seemed to be
ly, if not altogether, swept away, and a wide and  intruded on observation. Miserable rooms almost
airy street passes through the midst of its foul re- destitute of furniture; floors and walls caked
cesses, a slight sketch may be given of its former with dirt, or decked with coarse, flaring prints;
appearance.                                     shameless and abandoned-looking women; chilEntering a narrow street, guarded by posts and  dren without shoes and stockings, and with scarcecross-bars, a few steps from the crowded thorough- ly a rag to their backs: these were the chief obfare brought you into a frightful region, the refuge, jects that met the view. Of men few were visiit was easy to perceive, of half the lawless charac- ble-the majority being out on business, it is to be
ters infesting the metropolis. The coarsest ribald- presumed; but where a solitary straggler was seen,
ry assailed your ears, and noisome odors afflicted  his sinister looks and mean attire were in perfect




1092                                  THE DOG FANCIER.
keeping with the spot. So thickly inhabited were  ated white castor, with a black hatband round it,
these wretched dwellings, that every chamber, from  was cocked knowingly on one side of his head, and
garret to cellar, swarmed with inmates. As to the  gave him a flashy and sporting look. His particucellars, they looked like dismal caverns, which a  lar vocation was made manifest by the number of
wild beast would shun. Clothes-lines were hung  dogs he had about him. A beautiful black and tan
from house to house, festooned with every kind of  spaniel, of Charles the Second's breed, popped its
garment.  Out of the main street branched several short snubby nose and long silken ears out of each
alleys and passages, all displaying the same degree  coat pocket. A pug was thrust into his breast, and
of misery, or, if possible, worse, and teeming with  he carried an exquisite Blenheim under either arm.
occupants.  Personal security, however, forbade  At his feet reposed an Isle of Sky terrier, and a
any attempt to track these labyrinths; but imagi- partly-cropped French poodle, of snowy whiteness,
nation, after the specimen afforded, could easily  with a red worsted riband round its throat.  This
picture them. It was impossible to move a step  person, it need scarcely be said, was a dog fancier,
without insult or annoyance. Every human being  or, in other words, a dealer in, and a stealer of,
seemed brutalized and degraded; and the women  dogs, as well as a practiser of all the tricks connectappeared utterly lost to decency, and made the  ed with that nefarious trade. His self-satisfied air
street ring with their cries, their quarrels, and  made it evident he thought himself a smart clever
their imprecations. It was a positive relief to es- fellow,-and adroit and knavish he was, no doubt,
cape from this hot-bed of crime to the world with- -while his droll, plausible, and rather winning
out, and breathe a purer atmosphere.              manners helped him materially to impose upon his
Such being the aspect of the Rookery in the day  customers.  His real name was Taylor, but he was
time, what must it have been when crowded with  known among his companions by the appellation
its worst denizens at night!  Yet at such an hour of Ginger.  On the entrance of the Sandman and
it will now be necessary to enter its penetralia.  the Tinker, he nodded familiarly to them, and with
After escaping from  the ruined house in the  a sly look inquired-" Vell, my'arties-vot luck?"
Vauxhall Road, the two ruffians shaped their course    "Oh, pretty middlin'," replied  the Sandman,
towards Saint Giles's, running the greater part of  gruffly. And seating himself at the table, near the
the way, and arriving at the Broadway just as the  fire, he kicked up the lad who was lying fast asleep
church clock struck two. Darting into a narrow  on the coals, and bade him fetch a pot of half-andalley, and heedless of any obstructions they encoun- half. The Tinker took a place beside him, and they
tered in their path, they entered a somewhat wider waited in silence the arrival of the liquor, which,
cross street, which they pursued for a short dis- when it came, was disposed of at a couple of pulls.
tance, and then struck into an entry, at the bottom   *       *       *      *       *       *
of which was a swing door that admitted them into    "Arter all," said the Tinker, " there's no branch
a small court, where they found a dwarfish person  o' the purfession so safe as yours, Ginger. The law
wrapped in a tattered watchman's great-coat, seat- is favorable to you, and the beaks is afeerd to touch
ed on a stool with a horn lantern in his hand, and  you. I think I shall turn dog fancier myself."
a cutty in his mouth, the glow of which lighted up    "It's a good business," replied Ginger, "but it
his hard, withered features. This was the deputy  requires a edication. As I wos sayin', we gets a
porter of the lodging-house they were about to en- high price sometimes for restorin' a favorite, espeter. Addressing him by the name of Old Parr, the  cially ven ve've a soft-hearted lady to deal vith.
ruffians passed on, and lifting the latch of another There's some vimen as fond o' dogs as o' their own
door, entered a sort of kitchen, at the further end  childer, and ven ve gets one o' their precious pets,
of which blazed a cheerful fire with a large copper ve makes'em ransom it as the brigands you see at
kettle boiling upon it. On one side of the room  the Adelphi or the Surrey sarves their prisoners,
was a deal table, round which several men of sinis- threatenin' to send first an ear, and then a paw, or
ter aspect and sordid attire were collected, playing  a tail, and so on. I'll tell you wot happened t'othat cards. A smaller table of the same material er day. There wos a lady-a Miss Vite, as wos
stood near the fire, and opposite it was a staircase  desperate fond of her dog. It wos a ugly warmint,
leading to the upper rooms. The place was dingy  but no matter for that,-the creater had gained her
and dirty in the extreme, the floors could not have  heart. Yell, she lost it; and, somehow or other, I
been scoured for years, and the walls were be- found it. She wos in great trouble, and a friend o'
grimed with filth. In one corner, with his head  mine calls to say she can have the dog agin, but she
resting on a heap of coals and coke, lay a boy al- must pay eight pound for it.  She thinks this dear,
most as black as a chimney-sweeper, fast asleep. and a friend o' her own adwises her to wait, sayin'
He was the waiter. The principal light was afford- better terms will be offered; so I sends vord by my
ed by a candle stuck against the wall, with a tin re- friend that if she don't come down at once, the
flector behind it. Before the fire, with his back  poor animal's throat will be cut that werry night."
turned towards it, stood a noticeable individual,    "Ha — ha!-ha!" laughed the others.
clad in a velveteen jacket, with ivory buttons, a    " Vell, she sent four pound, and I put up with it,"
striped waistcoats drabknees, a faded black silk  pursued Ginger; "but about a month arterwards
neckeloth tied in a great bow, and a pair of ancient she loses her favorite agin, and strange to say, I
Wecllingtons ascending half-way up his legs, which  finds it. The same game is played over agin, and
looked disproportionately thin when compared with  she comes down with another four pound. But she
the upper part of his square, robustious, and some- takes care this time that I shan't repeat the trick;
what pursy frame. His face was broad, jolly, and  for no sooner does she obtain possession of her fagood-humored, with a bottle-shaped nose, fleshy  vorite, than she embarks in the steamer for France,
lips, and light gray eyes, glistening with cunning  in the hope of keepin' her dog safe there."
and roguery.  His hair, which dangled in long    "Oh! Miss Bailey, unfortinate Miss Bailey!flakes over his ears and neck, was of a dunnish red, Fol-de-riddle-tol-ol-lol-unfortinate  Miss Bailey!"
as were also his whiskers and beard. A superannu- sang the Tinker.




JOLLY NOSE.                                       1093
"But there's dog-fanciers in France, ain't there?" since it vos a blind little puppy, and wot's more, I
asked the Sandman.                                brings it's mother, and that settles the pint.  So, in
"Lor' bless'ee, to be sure there is," replied Gin- course, I'm discharged; the dog is given up to me;
ger; "there's as many o' the Fancy i' France as and the lady goes avay lamentin'. I then plays the
here. Vy, ve drives a smartish trade wi' them  amiable, an' offers to sell it her for twenty guineas,
through them  foreign steamers. There's scarcely  seein' as how she had taken a fancy to it, but she
a steamer as leaves the port o' London but takes  von't bite. So, if I don't sell it next week, I shall
out a cargo o' dogs. Ve sells'em to the stewards, send it to Mounseer Coqquilu. The only vay you
stokers, and sailors, cheap-and no questions asked. can go wrong is to steal a dog wi' a collar on, for if
They goes to Ostend, Antverp, Rotterdam, Ham- you do, you may get seven years' transportation for
burg, and sometimes to Havre.  There's a Moun- a bit o' leather and a brass plate vorth a shillin',
seer Coqquilu as comes over to buy dogs, and ve  vile the animal, though vorth a hundred pound,
takes'em to him at a house near Billinsgit mar- can't hurt you. There's law again-ha, ha!"
ket."                                               "Dog-fancier's law!" laughed the Sandman.
"Then you're always sure o' a ready market    "Some of the Fancy is given to cruelty," pursomehow," observed the Sandman.                   sued Ginger, "and crops a dog's ears, or pulls out
"Sartin," replied Ginger, "cos the law's so kind  his teeth to disguise him; but I'm  too fond o' the
to us. Vy, bless you, a perliceman can't detain us, animal for that. I may frighten old ladies someeven if he knows ve've a stolen dog in our perses- times, as I told you afore, but I never seriously
sion, and ve svears it's our own; and yet he'd stop  hurts their pets. Nor did I ever kill a dog for his
you in a minute if he seed you vith a suspicious- skin, as some on'em does."
looking bundle under your arm. Now, jist to show    "And you're always sure o' gettin' a dog, if you
you the difference atwixt the two perfessions:-I  vants it, I s'pose?" inquired the Tinker.
steals a dog-walue, may be, fifty pound, or p'raps    "Always," replied Ginger.  "No man's dog is
more. Even if I'm  catched i' the fact, I may get safe. I don't care how he's kept, ve're sure to have
fined twenty pound, or have six months' imprison- him  at last. Ve feels our vay with the sarvents,
ment; vile if you steals an old fogle, walue three  and finds out from  them  the walley the master or
fardens, you'll get seven years abroad, to a dead  missis sets on the dog, and soon after that the anicertainty."                                       mal's gone. Vith a bit o' liver, prepared in my
"That seems hard on us," observed the Sandman, partic'lar vay, I can tame the fiercest dog as ever
reflectively.                                     barked, take him off his chain, an' bring him arter
"It's the law!" exclaimed Ginger, triumphantly. me at a gallop."
"Now ve generally escapes by payin' the fine, cos    "And do respectable parties ever buy dogs,
our pals goes and steals more dogs to raise the mo- knowin' they're stolen?" inquired the Tinker.
ney. Ye alvays stands by each other. There's a    "Ay, to be sure," replied Ginger, "sometimes
reg'lar horganization among us; so ve can alvays first-rate nobs. They put us up to it themselves;
bring vitnesses to svear vot ve likes, and ve so puz- they'll say,' I've just left my Lord So-and-So'3, and
zles the beaks, that the case gets dismissed, and the  there I seed a couple o' the finest pointers I ever
constable says,'Vich party shall I give the dog to, clapped eyes on. I vants you to get me jist sich
your vorship?' Upon vich, the beak replies, a  another couple.' Yell, ve understands in a minnit,
shakin' of his vise noddle,'Give it to the person in  an' in doo time the identicle dogs finds their vay to
whose persession it was found. I have nuffin' more  our customer."
to do vith it.' In course, the dog is delivered up    " Oh! that's how it's done?" remarked the Sandto us."                                           man.
"The law seems made for dog-fanciers," remarked    "Yes, that's the vay," replied Ginger. "Somethe Tinker.                                      times a party'11 vant a couple o' dogs for the shoot"Wot d'ye think o' this?" pursued Ginger.  " I in' season; and then ve asks,'Vich vay are you
wos a-standin' at the corner o' Gray's Inn-lane vith  a-goin'-into Surrey or Kent?'  And accordin' as
some o' my pals near a coach-stand, ven a lady  the answer is given ve arranges our plans."
passes by vith this here dog-an' a beauty it is, a    "Vell, yourn appears a profitable and safe emreal long-eared Charley —a follerin' of her.  Yell, ployment, I must say," remarked the Sandman.
the moment I spies it, I unties my apron, whips up    "Perfectly so," replied Ginger.  " Nothin' can
the dog, and covers it up in a trice. Vell, the lady  touch us till dogs is declared by statute to be prosees me, and gives me in charge to a perliceman. perty, and stealin''em a misdemeanor. And that
But that si'nifies nuffin'. I brings six vitnesses to  won't occur in my time."
svear the dog vos mine, and that I'd actilly had it    "Let's hope not," rejoined the other two.
JOLLY NOSE.
BY WILLIAM H. AINSWORTH.
JOLLY nose! the bright rubies that garnish thy tip  For a big-bellied glass is the palette I use,
Are dug from the mines of canary;                 And the choicest of wine is my color;
And to keep up their lustre I moisten my lip      And I find that my nose takes the mellowest hues,
With hogsheads of claret and sherry.              The fuller I fill it-the fuller!
Jolly nose! there are fools who say drink hurts the
Jolly nose! he who sees thee across a broad glass         sight;
Beholds thee in all thy perfection;               Such dullards know nothing about it;
And to the pale snout of a temperate ass'Tis better, wit", wine, to extinguish the light,
Entertains the profoundest objection.             Than live always in darkness, without it.
70




1094                     MY OLD COMPLAINT.  ALE AND SACK.
MY OLD COMPLAINT.
ats Cause  anlb  tne.
BY WILLIAM H. AINSWORTH.
I'M sadly afraid of my Old ComplaintDying of thirst. Not a drop I've drunk
For more than an hour:' Tis too long
to wait,
Wonderful how my spirits have sunk!
Provocation enough it is for a saint,
To suffer so much from my Old Complaint!
What is it like, my Old Complaint?
/lll~Bl~iP~gI~'""""l'!I'll tell you anon since you wish to
know.
It troubles me now, but it troubled me
first,
When I was a youngster years ago;
Bubble-and-squeak is the image quaint
Of what it is like, my Old Complaint!
Aga/'U ~ I The Herring, in a very few minutes
we're told,
Loses his life, ta'en out o' the sea;
Rob me of wine, and you will behold
Just the same thing happen to me.
Thirst makes the poor little herring so
faint;THIRST isthe cause of my OldComplaint!
The bibulous Salmon is ill content,
Unless he batheth his jowl in brine:
And so, my spirits are quickly spent,
Unless I dip my muzzle in Wine!
Myself in the jolly old Salmon I paint:
WINE is the Cure of my Old Complaint.
Give me full bottles and no restraint,
And little you'll hear of my Old Complaint!
I never indulge in fanciful stuff,
Or idly prate, if my flagon be full;
Give me good Claret, and give me
enough,
And then my spirits are never dull.
Give me good Claret and no constraint
And I soon get rid of my Old Complaint!
Herring and Salmon my friends will
____ ____ ___ ____ ___ ____ ___acquaint
-... With the Cause and Cure of my Old
Complaint.
ALE AND SACK.
BY W. H. AINSWORTH.
YOUR Gaul may tipple his thin, thin wine,      But froth me a flagon of English ale,
And prate of its hue, and its fragrance fine,  Stout,. and old, and as amber pale,
Shall never a drop pass throat of mine,        Which heart and head will alike assailAgain-again!                                        Ale-ale be mine!
His claret is meagre (but let that pass),      Or brew me a pottle of sturdy sack
I can't say much for his hippocrass,           Sherris and spice, with a toast to its back,
And never more will I11i my glass              And need shall be none to bid me attack
With cold champagne.                                That drink divine!




THE AUTOCRAT OF THE PARLOR FIRE.                              1095
THE  AUTOCRAT  OF THE  PARLOR  FIRE.
FROM " THE PRIORS OF PRAGUE."  BY W. JOHNSON NEALE.
ON arriving at the village, and alighting at the    "Turn'em out! turn'em out I" still more noisily
only inn, I ordered the landlord to spread for us, in vociferated the original cause of the fray, now more
the coffee-room, the best dinner he could provide.  angry than ever, as he observed his influenceWith a true landlord's bow, my host ushered us though why I could not divine-preponderating
forthwith into the little parlor; there, with plenteous with the landlord. " Fight it out, gemmen! fight it
promises of speed and glorious fare of beef-steak  out!" interposed the spectators, so greatly amused
and onions, he shut the door upon us. Hastening  as to wish to be more so.
after him to countermand the appearance of the    "Only please to retire, sir, and you shall havefragrant vegetable he had mentioned, I returned in  another pot of beer there, boy, for number six-a
time to see Jeremy walk towards the fire-place and  private room," whispered the landlord.-" Let me
take up the poker.                             beg of you, sir, and I will explain all this."
" Touch that fire if you dare, sir," said a shrill,   This was enough-I saw mine host was more to
sharp, ill-natured voice, proceeding from a portly  be pitied than blamed in the matter-so, making a
figure comfortably ensconced in the ingle-nook.  sign to Jeremy to follow, I withdrew from the scene
"There are few things, my good friend, not to  of strife, and followed my landlord into a more
be dared by Jeremy the honest," returned the lat- peaceful, and as it happened, into better quarters.
ter, very coolly thrusting the poker into the fire    "Landlord! landlord!" was now heard in the
without even deigning to turn round.           voice of the enemy below.
In an instant, the querulous old fellow's cane was    " Coming, sir, coming!-no fool like an old fool,
lifted on high, and had I not caught it in my  gentlemen!-be with you in a moment,"-and the
hand, it would certainly. have descended on the  unhappy arbiter of the house vanished with wonhead of my good valet with no slight rap.      derful celerity down stairs.
Naturally incensed at such an unprovoked out-   "Now, may it please your worship, we can have
rage, I said, "Excuse me, sir, but learn to use your a fire of our own to poke,". said Jeremy, ringing the
cane with more discretion, or else I must take the  bell and taking a seat without further notice of
liberty of thrusting it into the fire, and bundling  what had happened.-The fire was accordingly lit,
your good rotundity of person on the top of it."    and by the time that its flames were roaring merri" Curse ye both! ye impudent rascals-do you ly up the chimney, our host once more appeared,
know who I am?" cried the old fellow with an oath, bearing in his hands our intended meal.
as, starting on his legs, he kicked his chair over be-   "Landlord, may you live for ever!" said Jeremy,
hind him.                                      slapping that worthy functionary upon the back,
"Not a whit, and care just as little," replied  and then smacking his lips and slightly rubbing his
Jeremy, who having turned round, fully compre- hands at the hot tempting dish before him.
hended all that had passed.                       "Sit down, Jeremy, and eat," said I, seeing he
"Then curse ye, you vagabond, I'm steward of was about to wait behind my chair.  Jeremy
the parlor fire!"                              obeyed-the landlord opened his eyes —for being
" Likely enough," quoth Jeremy, in his impene- unable from my companion's language to take him
trable manner, " and a warm, comfortable berth too for any thing less than a gentleman, though an oddfor this life!-though, for aught I know, your wor- looking one, he doubtless wondered of what rank
ship may have earned a hotter one in that to  might be the master, setting me down, perhaps, for
come."                                         aught I knew or cared, as one of the blood-royal.
At this repartee several people present burst into   "Gentlemen," said he, after the last adjusting
a loud laugh, which so irritated our opponent that touch of the potato dish, and bowing low as he
he once more lifted his cane, but thinking there whipped his white napkin of office under the left
were two to one, he contented himself with an im- arm,-" Gentlemen, I humbly beg your pardon for
potent grin of rage, and applying heartily to the the unfortunate scene below-Did you say the
bell-pull, brought in the landlord.            bread, sir? —but the fact is-we've excellent bot"' Turn these vagabonds out of the house, land- tled ale, sir-the fact is, sir, that gentleman below
lord, this instant!"                          is the most extraordinary-Glass of porter?-cerMy host looked at us with mingled dismay and tainly, sir-character that ever came to-drink up
deprecation.                                   quickly, sir-the house. Ever since he first came
"Turn them out of the house, I say, this instant, he's always been saying-Change your plate director I'll leave ye to-morrow morning!"           ly, sir,-' Landlord r'-' Sir,' says I-' Send in my
"Why, sir, I hope they haven't been defending bill to-night, I'm  off to-morrow  morning'-and
the French?"-" No!"-" or abusing the govern- would yon,believe it, sir-the pudding will be up
ment?"-" No!" —" or protecting the flies?-or-"  presently, sir-he's lived in my house seventeen
-" No, sir; no, sir; curse ye-no, sir, they've  years come Michaelmas.-He's the most curiousdone worse!-a thousand times worse!-they've  Cheese, sir?-ay, sir, not better cheese in the counbeen poking the parlor fire!"                 try-most curious character that ever I met."
Mine host shook his head with evident signs of    "Then prithee, my good friend, in mercy halt,"
sorrow, and turning to us, said in a most lachry- said I, perceiving what a curious mode of parlance
mose tone, "Oh, gentlemen! if you've been so im- mine host's calling had imparted to him, and preprudent as to do that, you must indeed withdraw!" suming to interrupt this singular detail.-" Of all
"Mr. Landlord," said Jeremy, in great amaze- things, Mr. Landlord, I admire character-but not
ment, "I beg you distinctly to understand, that the parenthetical character with which you seem so
I'll see you at the devil first!"             much inclined to season your discourse-I can easily




1096                  A PERSIAN'S PARADISE.  AN OLD SOLDIER.
imagine it to make the worst of stories very droll,   "You, sir! you, sir!" says I, not thinking of
but believe me, it would also murder the very best. what I was saving, and shaking from head to foot.
Have a moment's patience, then, till these dinner -"Right, you rascal, right," says he, "I'm  glad
things are cleared away, and put me a bottle of you've come to your senses at last, curse ye-what's
port on the table; bring your chair, take your glass, my bill?"
and tell your tale fairly to an end."             "Five pounds, sir," said I, at a round guess.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, couldn't think of being    "Here, keep ten," says he, "for the bother
guilty of such an indecency as sitting down to your you've given me, and see that my breakfast is on
table-bottle of port you said, sir,-such a thing  the table at eight o'clock to a second. I'm off to
was never done yet in the Jolly Traveller, for I al- take a walk."
ways say to gentlemen-get the cork-screw directly,  "' Gemmen, you may be sure I trembled very sufsir,-doesn't become a landlord, such familiarity-  ficientiy, but having looked very hard-for I had
and, so as I was going to say, the gentleman below  now lighted the candle —and being able to see neistairs is one of the whimsicallest people that you ther hoofs nor tail, I pocketed-Another bottle?could never meet; for, seventeen years ago, as I yes, sir! —the money, and lit the fire. However,
said before, come Michaelmas, he drops into my  gentlemen, to make short of a long story, here he's
house one morning, dines and spends the day, been in my house ever since. Every day deter-'and' says he-' your health, gentlemen!'-'land- mined to-Step down the cellar in a moment, genlord,' says he,'give me a bed and be cursed to you.' tlemen-set off next morning, and every morning,'The curse to yourself,' says I,'you may get a bed  just as firm by the ingle nook, as he was the day
where you can, but it shan't be in my house, for I before. Seeing he's been very kind in giving me
have none to give you.'' It's a lie,' says he,'you heavy sums of cash, gemmen,-for he says he won't
have-''Well, whether I have or no,' said I,'you  lend —why I've been very particular to humor his
shan't have it.'' There you lie again,' said he, and whims-one of which is to let no one touch the
before I could hold out an arm to stop him, whip parlor fire except himself; so he's elected steward,
me, gentlemen, if he wasn't past me up the stairs, and provided he can kill all the flies —praise the
into the first bed-room, and locked was the door- British constitution-cut his jokes upon the customthe best bottle of port in my cellar, gemmen-in  ers, and abuse the French-he's perfectly happy,the turning of a bed-post. Well, gemmen, I stormed  Ay, a true old liberal English gentleman he is, evand he raved-I'd have the blacksmith to break  ery inch of him, I warrant ye, and worth a power
open the lock. He wheels round the bed, and bar- of money too-fifty thousand pounds they sayricadoes it against the door.-'Twas another gentle- made up there in London in the hosiery line."
man's room who wanted his things-he opens the    "A good customer then, landlord, doubtless."
window and flings them out into the yard-well,   "Not a better have I to my back, sir! —though
thinks I, if the Jolly Traveller isn't to become a ten to one that ever I had any of his money. He
lunatic asylum, my name is not Muggins, and so came down into these parts to buy some snug cotsaid I-thank ye, gentlemen, no more than this tage, and if so be we hadn't chanced to have a row
glass,-' He may stay there to-night, but hang me at first, two or three nights would have been the
if I don't have the fox out of his hole to-morrow.' outside of his stay-and as to regularity, sir, never
So I went to show the gentleman who'd been turned  was such a regular man-not a drop does he drink,'out of his own room into the one that was next it, not a morsel does he eat to-day, that he doesn't eat
and as'twas only a lath and plaster partition, the and drink to-morrow."
first thing that I heard was Mr. Domitian saying to    "Then, Mr. Landlord, let me tell you there's one
himself as he got into bed,-' Hang me if I don't great fault about your friend."'stay here all my life, to plague this grumbling fel-   "What, sir?" demanded mine host, in great
low.' Old Nick himself, gemmen, could scarcely  alarm.
*have frightened me more, and for aught I know,. "Why, that he evidently has been born a few
this might be his first cousin; so I solemnly deter. centuries too late; for clearly, nature's only reason
mined, in the first place, to make him pay double for producing such a being was to give mankind a
for his bill. In the second place, to put him out of rude notion of clockwork."
the Jolly Traveller, and in the third to-drink your   " Rude enough, and may it please your worship!"
very good health once more, gemmen,-send for a. said Jeremy, with a hem. The landlord grinned
constable.                                     applause, and with a low bow departed for the" Well, sir, up I got, at five o'clock next morning, But why should I here narrate the history of the
though'twas a dark winter's morning; and while I second bottle? Was it not, after the inviolable
was fumbling about there in the little parlor, for a custom of British landlords, vastly inferior to the
*tinder box, and just thinking over these matters, I first?  Most indubitably it was; so we wasted no
felt a heavy grip on my shoulder, and heard Mr. farther time upon its contents, but ordering our
Domitian's voice.                              horses to be put to, forthwith-paid our bill, and
"Well, Mr. Landlord," said he, "who's to be once more set off upon our travels.        /
master in this house, think ye, you or I?"
A PERSIAN'S PARADISE.-When the Persian am-   AN OLD SOLDIER. —An elderly gentleman in a
bassador and his suite left England, a few years coffee-room one day, when it was raining very hard
since, many of them shed tears. One of the suite, who and the water running down the streets, said that
had been struck with the quiet of an Englishman's it reminded him of the general deluge. "Zounds,
life, compared it with that of a Persian, exclaiming, sir," said an old veteran officer near him, "who's
that he could not wish for a better Paradise than  he? I have heard of all the Generals in Europe
Chelsea Hospital, where, for the remainder of his but him."  This reminds one of the print-collector
days, he could sit under the trees, do nothing, and inquiring for a portrait of Admiral Noah, to illusdrink as much porter as he liked.              trate Lord Byron's "Don Juan."




A GREENWICH  PENSIONER.  LUTTRELL.                             1097
A GREENWICH PENSIONER;
BY THOMAS HOOD. WITH A CUT, FROM G. CRUIKSHANK.
A Greenwich Pensioner is a sort of stranded  whistle.  He hates prospects, but enjoys retromarine animal, that the receding tide of life has spects. An old boat, a stray anchor, or a decayed
left high and dry on the shore. He pines for his mooring ring, will set him dreaming for hours. He
element like a sea bear, and misses his briny wash- splices sea and land ideas together. He reads of
ings and wettings. What the ocean could not do, I "shooting off a tie at Battersea," and it reminds
the land does; for it makes him sick. He cannot him of a ball carrying away his own pig-tail. "Candigest properly, unless his body is rolled and tum- vassing for a situation," recalls running with all sails
bled about like a barrel-churn.  Terra-firma, he set for a station at Aboukir. He has the advantage
thinks, is good enough to touch at for wood and  of our economists as to the "standard of value,"
water, but.nothing more. There is no wind, he knowing it to be the British ensign. The announceswears, ashore-every day of his life is a dead calm, ment of "an arrival of foreign vessels, with our
a thing above all others he detests. He would like ports open," claps him into a paradise of prize monit better for an occasional earthquake. Walk he ey, with Poll of the Pint. He wonders sometimes
cannot, the ground being so still and steady that at " petitions to be discharged from the fleet," but
he is puzzled to keep his legs; and ride he will not, sympathizes with those in the Marshalsea Court, as
for he disdains a craft whose rudder is forward and  subject to a Sea Court Martial. Finally, try him
not astern.                                     even in the learned languages, by asking him for
Inland scenery is his especial aversion.  He the meaning of "Georgius Rex," and he will andespises a tree "before the mast," and would give swer, without hesitation, "The wrecks of the Royal
all the singing-birds in creation for a boatswain's George."
LUTTRELL.
Rogers said that Luttrell's epigram on Miss Tree,      Killed by an omnibus! Why not?
the singer, was " quite a little fairy tale."              So quick a death a boon is:
Let not his friends lament his lotOn this Tree when a nightingale settles and sings,    Mors omnibus communis 
The Tree will return her as good as she brings.
Washington Irving was walking with Moore and    Some one said to Sir F. Gould, "I am told you
Luttrell, near Paris, when the conversation turned  eat three eggs every day at breakfast."  "No,"
on a female aeronaut, who had not been heard of answered Gould, "on the contrary." Some of us
since her recent ascent. Moore described her up- asked, " What was the contrary of eating three
ward progress —the last seen of her, she was still eggs, I suppose," said Lutascending, ascending. " Handed out, at last, I sup- trell.
pose," said Luttrell, "by Enoch and Elijah."     When Mr. Croker had charged the public with
Walking with Luttrell, one day, Moore referred his war salary, on account of the doings at Algiers,
to a saying on Sharp's very dark complexion, that and thereby excited much indignation, it happened
he looked as if the dye of his old trade (hat-mak- that some one at dinner talked of  the name of
ing,) had got engrained into his face. "Yes," said Croker mountains given to land supposed to be
Luttrell, "darkness that may befelt."          seen in one of the voyages to the North Pole..  "Does any thing grow on them?" said some one.
Luttrell gave this illustration of the English  " Only a little wild celery (salary)," said Luttrell.
climate: " On a fine day, like looking up a chimney In talking of the Eumelian Club, of which Ashe
-on a wet day, like looking down it."
-— on a wet day, like looking down'it."         In talking of the Eumelian Club, of which Ashe
was the founder, somebody said that a son of that
Luttrell wrote the following epitaph on a man Ashe was at present chairman of it. "Still in its
who was run over by an omnibus:                ashes live their wonted fires," said Luttrell.




1098                                A DAY OF DISASTERS.
A DAY OF DISASTERS.
7  Garroatiaol btfain        VdRa  Rub 96tkia4.
BY MARY HOWITT.
PETER. Zedekiah, come here!
ZEDEKIAH.               Well now, what's the matter?
PETER. Look at my hat; the more I set it right, it only gets the flatter.
ZEDEKIAH. Why, Peter, what's come to your hat? I never saw such a thing.
PETER. I've had nothing but ill-luck to-day; I did this with the swing;
I've been tossed into the apple-tree just as if I was a ball,
And though I caught hold of a bough, I've had a terrible fall;
I'm sure I should have cracked my skull, had it not been for my hat.
You may see what a fall it was, for the crown's quite flat;
And it never will take its shape again, do all that ever I may!
ZEDEKIAH. Never mind it, Peter! Put it on your head, and come along, I say!
PETER. Nay, I shall not. I shall sit down under this tree;
I've had nothing but ill-luck to-day. Come, sit down by me,
And I'll tell you all, Zedekiah, for I feel quite forlorn;
Oh dear! oh dear! I'm lamed now!-I've sat down upon a thorn!
ZEDEKIAH. Goodness sake! Peter, be still-what a terrible bellowOne would think you'd sate on a hornet's nest; sit down, my good fellow.
PETER. I'll be sure there are no more thorns here, before I sit down;
Pretty well of one thorn at a time, Master Zedekiah Brown!
There, now, I think this seat is safe and easy-so now you must know
I was fast asleep at breakfast-time; and you'll always find it so,
That if you begin a day ill, it will be ill all the day.
Well, when I woke, the breakfast things were clattering all away;
And I knew they had eggs and fowl, and all sorts of good things;
But then none may partake who are in bed when the morning bell rings;
So, sadly vexed as I was, I rolled myself round in bed,
And, "as breakfast is over, I'll not hurry myself," I said,
So I just got into a nice little doze, when in came my mother;
And "for shame, Peter," she said, " to be a-bed now, well, you can't go with your brother."
Then out of the door she went without another word;
And just then a sound of wheels, and of passing horses' hoofs I heard;
So I jumped up to the window to see what it was, and I declare
There was a grand party of fine folks setting off somewhere:
There was my brother, mounted on the pony so slick and brown,
And Bell in her white frock, and my mother in her satin gown;
And my father in his best, and ten gentlemen beside;
And I had never heard a word about it, either of drive or ride!
I really think it was very queer of them to set off in that wayIf I'd only known over-night, I'd have been up by break of day!
As you may think, I was sadly vexed, but I did not choose to show it,
So I whistled as I came down stairs, that the servants might not know it;
Then I went into the yard, and called the dog by his name,
For I thought if they were gone, he and I might have a good game.
But I called and called, and there was no dog either in this place or th' other;
And Thomas said, "Master Peter, Neptune's gone with your brother."
Well, as there was no dog, I went to look for the fox,
And sure enough the chain was broke, and there was no creature in the box;
But where the fellow was gone nobody could say,
He had broken loose himself, I suppose, and so had slipped away;
I would give any thing I have, but to find the fox againAnd was it not provoking, Zedekiah, to lose him just then?
ZEDEKEIA. Provoking enough! Well, Peter, and what happened next?
PETER. Why, when I think of it now, it makes me quite vexed;
I went into the garden just to look about
To see if the green peas were ready, or the scarlet lychnis come out;
And there what should I clap my eyes on but the old sow,
And seven little pigs making a pretty row!
And of all places in the world, as if for very spite,
They had gone into my garden, and spoiled and ruined it quite!
The old sow, she had grubbed up my rosemary and old-man by the root,
And my phlox and my sunflowers, and my hollyhocks, that were as black as soot;
And every flower that I set store on was ruined for ever;
I never was so mortified in all my life-never!
ZEDEKIAR. You sent them off, I should think, with a famous swither!




HIGH LIFE IN THE TAP-ROOM.                              1099
PETER. Grunting and tumbling one over the other, I cared not whither.
Well, as I was just then standing, grieving over the ruin,
I heard Thomas call, "Master Peter, come and see what the rats have been doing —
They've eaten all the guinea-pigs' heads off!"
ZEDEKIAH.                           Oh, Peter, was it true?
PETER. Away I ran, not knowing what in the world to do!
And there-I declare it makes me quite shudder to the boneLay all my pretty little guinea-pigs as dead as a stone!
" It's no manner of use," says Thomas, " setting traps, for you see
They no more care for a trap, than I do for a pea;
I'll lay my life on't, there are twenty rats now down in that hole,
And we can no more reach'em, than an underground mole!"
I declare, Zedekiah, I never passed such a day before-not I;
It makes me quite low-spirited, till I'm ready to cry.
All those pretty guinea-pigs! and I've nothing left at all,
Only the hawk, and I've just set his cage on the wall.
ZEDEKIAH. Hush! hush now I for Thomas is saying something there,
PETER. What d'ye say, Thomas?
THOMAS.                     The hawk's soaring in the air!
The cage door was open, and he's flown clean away!
PETER. There now, Zedekiah, is it not an unfortunate day?
I've lost all my favorites-I've nothing left at all,
And my garden is spoiled, and I've had such a dreadful fall!
I wish that I had been up in the morning as early as the sun,
And then I should have gone to Cammonley, nor have had all this mischief done!
I'm sure it's quite enough to make me cry for a yearLet's go into the house, Zedekiah; what's the use of sitting here?
HIGH  LIFE  IN THE  TAP-ROOM.
FROM PUNCH.
ADJOINING the House of Lords is a public-house and honorable masters, a colloquy something like
which enjoys the exclusive patronage of the coach- the following may be heard:men and footmen in waiting upon the hereditary   lsT FOOTMAN.-Waiter-a go of gin.
wisdom of the empire.                           WAITER.-Very well, my lord-(calls) —-A go of
Some years ago, it was discovered that one-third gin for the Bishop of London!
of these motley gentlemen rejoiced in the name of   2D FOOTMAN.-A pint of mild ale and a shee-root.
Smith, one-sixth in the name of Brown, and one-   WAITER.-Yes,   Sir James-(calls)-A  pint of
sixth in the name of Jones, whilst the remaining mild ale and a shee-root for Sir James Graham.
third had their patronymics from the varied col-  1ST FOOTMAN.-I say, Sir James.
umns of Pigot's Directory.                      2D FOOTMAN.-What is it, my Lord?
In order to remedy the confusion consequent   1ST FOOTMAN.-Lord Melbourne and Sir Robert
upon this unfortunate similarity of names, it was Peel have made it up again; they smoked a pipe
enacted:                                      together last night.
"That on and from the 12th day of June, 1839,   3D FOOTMAN.-I shall be happy to toss the Duke
every Member of this Honorable Public House of Wellington for six pen'orth of rum and water.
shall be spoken of and spoken to by the title and   4TH FOOTMAN.-I never take rum, but the Lord
designation of the fortunate individual who has the Chancellor does.
honor of paying him his wages, and supplying him   5TH FOOTMAN. —I'm  your man, Mr. Roebuck;
his livery. And be it further enacted, that should Newmarket, of course.
any Member of this Honorable Public House in-   6TH FOOTMAN. —I say, Mr. Speaker, you owe me
fringe the above regulations, he shall be liable to a shilling.
pay for as many glasses of' hot with' or' cold with-   7TH FOOTMAN.-SO I do, Mr. Hume; and I must
out,' as there are gentlemen's gentlemen present."  continue to owe it. Who's eating onions?
S6TH FOOTMAN.-Lord Londonderry.
SigEORG SMITH       OWEN JONES8TH FOOTMAN.-It's not me, it's Lord Palmerston;
GEORGE SMITH,       OWEN JONES,           I'm having part of a cowheel with the Duke of
JONES JONES,        HECTOR SMITH,         Devonshire.
JOHN SMITH,         PAUL BROWN,             4TH FOOTMAN.-Any body seen Lord John RusPETER BROWN,        SMITH SMITH,          sell to-night?
ISAAC SMITH,        ABRAHAM HALL.           6TH FOOTMAN. — I have-he's gone to lay down.
Members of the Privy Council.   He's taken something that has disagreed with him.
I believe it's six glasses of gin and water.
In consequence of this politic arrangement, it   WAITER.-The Chancellor of the Exchequer's
very seldom occurs that any person pays twice, as wanted.
was the case formerly-sometimes.  During the   9TH FOOTMAN.-Am I? —somebody lend us a
hours that are occupied in debate by their noble penny.




1100                                    THE GOSSIP.
THE GOSSIP.
BY CATHERINE FRANCES GORE.
WHY are the English-the grave English-the  or female, will be pointed out to shame, and some
rational English-the moral English-the greatest entertaining anecdote cited, in order to fasten the
gossips in the world? No one conversant with the  label round the right neck!  "Have at ye all, my
social life of other nations will deny the fact;-but gossips!"  Not one of you, ladies, but is the origwho will adduce the cause?  Doctor Johnson de- inal of the horrible Lady Pagginton we are about
fines to gossip is "to chat, to spend time idly."  A  to describe; not one of you, gentlemen, but has
more correct definition of the word, as used in  your sympathetic part in "that amusing, gossiping
modern parlance, would be, "to spend time idly in  fellow," Flutter, of whom more anon.
chatting of other people's affairs."  Yet the English    You are all gossips! You gossip every where,
are not a people addicted to spending time idly. of every thing; not alone of the dinner-party and
It must be some overmastering influence which in- ball-room-the pink satin dress and flirtation in the
spires them with the vague curiosity, leading to so  balcony; but after visiting a condemned cell, you
vile a waste of the impalpable treasure, more pre- gossip concerning the morose anguish of the being,
cious than silver or gold.                      contemplating the terrors of eternity! You obtain
Is it that the desire of knowledge, so extensively  an order for Bethlem  Hospital; and, unawed by
cultivated among us by the high-pressure power of the spectacle of one of the overmastering scourges
universal education, begets in weak minds, incapa- of the human race, garnish your discourse at the
ble of retaining solid information, a restless craving  gay dinner-table with pleasant anecdotes of the
after intelligence?  Does learning, like the wind  comicalities of madmen!  You hie to the factory,
which extinguishes a candle while it stimulates a and after shuddering at the blue faces and pinched
great fire, strengthen the strong mind, but enfee- noses of the suffering population, hie home and
ble the weak?  No matter!  By some defect of gossip pleasantly at the conversation concerning
organization, the English, taken as a mass, are  the curious dialect of the overseer, or the quaint
gossips-decided gossips. Is it not written in the  comments of some droll little victim promoted to
book of the chronicles of their public journals —  the honors of interrogation.
those bulletins of the national mind? Is it not at-   An infirm nobleman is murdered at dead of night
tested by the avidity with which the most trivial in his chamber. With what hosts of entertaining
anecdotes of domestic life are circulated and eagerly  anecdotes and clever puns do the gossips recount
swallowed, by that yawning gulf, the reading pub- the narrative of his assassination! A woman elopes
lic? Is it not pointed out with a sneer by the for- from her husband, leaving her infants motherless:
eign world-rejoicing to detect in our details of what joy for the gossips in all the concomitant deprivate parties and descriptions of court-trains and  tails of the wig and broken spectacles of the parafeathers, a counterbalance to the sageness of our mour! On such occasions, regardless of the influcouncils, and the vastness of our scientific achieve- ence of such histories on their own minds and the
ments?  The scandal of personality would be put minds of their hearers, the gossips overrun both
down in continental countries by the strong arm of town and country, scattering the seed of their tares
the law; but the froth of every-day "fashionable  in all directions.
intelligence " would be simply blown aside by the    The most awful catastrophes-suicide, battle,
contemptuous lips of common sense!              murder, sudden death-become reduced to the
But it is the appetite for gossip, and not the food  same trifling consistency-the same chaff —after
which the yearnings of that appetite bring into the  being ground in the mill and winnowed through
market, with which we have to deal. The press the sieve of a gossip.
gossips for society, because society gossips for itself   Be patient, gentle reader; we promised you " a
and makes no secret of its love of gossiping, pre- light gossiping article;" you shall come to Lady
tending that a mere tattler is a merely harmless Pagginton and Felix Flutter in time. Allow us,
person. But the taste thus established, is any thing  however, to begin with the gossip of an humbler
but harmless. Like the bind-weed, which, when  sphere.
once suffered to take root, extinguishes the growth    There is Miss Bargeham, the favorite milliner of
of more profitable plants, it intertwines itself irre- the well-known market-place of B. (" B?-B. certrievably with all the product of the soil.    *tainly stands for Birmingham 1" murmurs some gosCritics boast of a new work as " a pleasant gos- siping reader.) For the last thirty years, the counsiping book;" people boast of a new acquaintance, ters of Kitty Bargeham have obtained a remarkaas "a pleasant gossiping fellow;" and the most ble preference over a succession of new comers in
valuable of our periodicals was a few years ago re- the immediate neighborhood.  Vainly have the
deemed from decadence by a series of " pleasant windows of her rivals displayed the most unquesgossiping articles."                            tionable superiority of cap and turban, hat, and
When a new work of fiction issues from the press, bonnet, plaid ribbons, and chantilly veils. These
in a style called by the French un roman de mceurs, parti-colored  attractions have invariably given
by ourselves, a fashionable novel, be sure that it is place within the year to a placard of "To LET,
either personal, or will pretend to be personal, or UNFURNISHED;" or, "TO BE SOLD UNDER PRIME
will be said to be personal., Without some such  CosT, BY ORDER OF THE ASSIGNEES."   One rash firm
nota bene to "The Gossip," the piquancy of its even went as far as to advertise the attraction of a
general hits at the foibles of general society, would  Parisian assistant, "A young lady from the emibe thrown away. At this very moment, half our nent French house of Mesdames Follette et Cie.,
readers are running on impatiently through our Rue Vivienne."  In vain!  In six months, the shop
prosiness, hoping that some especial Gossip, male  was shut up, and the Parisian assistant shut out.




EPIGRAMS.                                      1101
There was no standing against the " light gossiping  Metternich, through whose key-hole not even the
articles" of Kitty Bargeham.                   winds of heaven are permitted to whistle. But
Oh! that back-parlor! Oh! the inedited anec- without this mischievous occupation-this perdotes of Brush Park and Lark Hall, conveyed from  petual cobbling of colloquial shreds and patchestheir respective latdies'-maids, to the ears of the  what would become of the vapid, unmeaning, unmilliner, and from the milliner to the ears of all the connected Lady P.? Devote her leisure to some
tradesmen's wives and farmers' daughters of the useful purpose-condescend to knit-sew-read?
neighborhood of B.! The shoe-ribbon purchased  Why, she would sink into a second-rate person of
of Mesdames Brown, or the green veil of Mrs. respectability! losing all pretext for intruding upon
Smith, might be of worthier texture, or even by  your more serious occupations, in her capacity of
sixpence a better bargain; but what was that com- "a most lively, agreeable woman —knowing every
pared with the joy of having been seated face to  body,-full of anecdote,-in short, the very perface with Kitty Bargeham, in her little stuffy, dingy fection of A GossIP!"
sanctum, listening to charming innuendos about   Felix Flutter is a more dangerous individual.
Sir Thomas Lark's London losses at play, or hints His story and note savor of the rattlesnake rather
that "something would be sure to come of Miss than the gnat; his smatterings consist of steel filMelusinda Brush's early walks in the green lane." ings, rather than of chaff; his pourings forth are
Kitty "knew  it from  the best authority,"-but aqua Tofana, rather than milk-and-water; but all
Kitty "would say no more!"  More reputations dispensed under the same delusive head, of "light,
were "done to death by slanderous tongues" in  pleasant gossip!"  Men might be brought to the
Kitty Bargeham's back-parlor, than in the whole scaffold, or condemned to the cart, for the crimes
county besides; a perpetual twitter of chit-chat " pleasant but wrong," imputed in the light anecbeing emitted therefrom  on every opening of its dotes which Flutter impels like shuttlecocks from
sacred door, to tantalize the less-privileged cus- his smart-racket, from house to house. Like the
tomers not yet initiated into the gossip-shop. But snake-charmers of the East, who amuse your leisure
Brush Park is now to be let, and Lark Hall to be with the display of reptiles, that seem to curl and
sold; too hot to hold the respective proprietors, play in their adroit hands, he ties love-knots with
martyrized d coup d'ipingles by the milliner of the adders! Worse still, when like the cunning seers
market-place-by THE GossiP!                    of Egypt, who, by pretended incantations, seem to
Lady Pagginton-(draw your chair closer to the  withdraw from beneath the very cushions of your
fender, courteous gossip-we have got to Lady  divan, the serpent they have cunningly introduced
Pagginton at last! —) is a widow, and a London  into the chamber to accredit their power, Felix
lady-that is, a Marylebonian, the most diluted and  Flutter contrives to inspire your mind with terror
colorless species of the London lady. Mediocrity  and mistrust, by ascribing to the treachery of a
personified, whether as regards mind, body, or bosom friend the nmschief concocted by his own
estate, Lady P. has managed to make herself heard  malice!
of as the gnats do-by humming and stinging. The    But Flutter is such an amusing fellow! Nothing
creature means no harm —'tis in its nature; but like him for a morning visit-a dull dinner-party!
the sting is not the less irritating, nor the noise less Like Mr. Merryman at Gyngell's, his pockets are
tiresome. So is it with Lady P. Her perseverance  always full of squibs and crackers, to be discharged
in making her way into your house-her persever- at intervals when the wit of the company runs low.
ance in communicating in emphatic whispers idle And then he is so plausible!  His most improper
sayings concerning still idler doings in which you little stories make their appearance in the most
have not the slightest interest-her perseverance  decent attire; like one of Congreve's gallants arin attributing to her last auditor the comments rayed in the gown and cassock of Dr. Spintext, or
with which she has herself embroidered the intelli- Cartouche dressed up as one of the Marechaussee,
gence derived from her first informant, are worthy  to rob a house! Nothing more decorous-nothing
a better cause; you might cut a canal with almost more deadly!  He runs you through the body
half the labor.                                with a regulation small-sword; or, if you insist on
Nothing too great-nothing too little-to -be committing suicide, sells you your arsenic with
caught up and carried off in her ladyship's budget. " poison" labelled on the packet, as per order of
To the little matters, like the bits of worthless glass the magistrates established.
which acquire beauty in a kaleidoscope, she im-   My public! know ye not this Felix Flutter?  Has
parts importance by a species of scientific illusion; he not related sub rosa of each of you to the other,
while the great ones she brings within her paltry  that your grandfathers were one shocking thing,
compass, as the body of De Rance's mistress was and your grandmothers the other shocking thing!
forced into the leaden coffin, by cutting off the -that you have overdrawn your bankers-that
head. She contrives to gossip about the affairs of you have injured your early friends-that you have
the East, by garnishing them with secret anecdotes blasphemed the Church, or conspired against the
of our lady of Cairo, the renowned widow of Me- State? Know ye not Felix Flutter?-know ye not
hemet Ali's eldest son; or sets her mark upon the  ten Felix Flutters-twenty Felix Flutters?  Know
politicians of the West, by rumors pilfered from the  ye not, in short, in some shape or other, the conCharivari, about the domestic life of a minister centrated essence of A MODERN GossIP?
whose whole life is public-or the secret cabinet of
A RE-BUS.                                DEATHIS INJUNCTION.
"What is a rebus?" I asked of dear Mary,      Pinto lies here.'Tis natural he should,
As close by my side the fair maiden was seated: Who lied through life as often as he could:
I saw her eyes sink, and her countenance vary,  He thought of mending, but, to spite his will,
As she said in reply, "'Tis a kiss, sir, repeated." Death came unlooked for, and bade him lie still!




1102                               CAPTURING A FORT.
CAPTURING  A  FORT.
a'trie iioGq.
BY H. R. ADDISON.
MANY years'ago it was found necessary to be- water he had swallowed; but, alas! no building of
siege the fort called Budge-Budge, some few miles the kind met his view,-not a single habitation
from Calcutta down the river, which the natives could he see. The fort frowned gloomily over him
held in spite of our remonstrances, probably sup- in sullen grandeur; no other place where spirits
ported in their hostile obstinacy by the Dutch and were likely to be found could he discover, though
French governments, who, as all the world knows, he peered anxiously round on every side. To lose
have several settlements in the East Indies. These his time, to be laughed at by his comrades on his resettlements we could wrest from them in an instant, turn from the wild-goose chase he had undertaken,
but, for some unaccountable reason or other, we was by no means palatable to Bunting.  To be
have allowed them to remain in their hands, to the balked is a maxim unknown to a British sailor;
no small hindrance of justice and equity; since it so, rather than lose his grog, he determined to lose
frequently happens that characters deserving pun- his life, or at all events, risk it. Without further
ishment for their offences have merely to cross the ado, he began scaling the walls of the fort. This
river,- and in ten minutes are beyond the pale of he easily managed, and in a few moments found himBritish law, having found refuge in Chinsurah, or self at the top of the glacis. Elated at his success,
some other foreign town. The existence of these he began shouting as loud as ever he could bawl,
little colonies has a still worse effect in case of dis- to the horror of the garrison, who instantly fancyaffection amongst the Indians, inasmuch as they  ing themselves assailed, started up, and were about
are ever readyto pour forth foreign emissaries, who to run to the spot where they supposed the aturgently foment the feud, and mislead the poor tacking party had made good a lodgment, when
natives, by holding out hopes of assistance from  Jim, who had scampered round the defences, again
their respective countries.                    began to shout from the opposite side, and suddenSuch had been the case with Budge-Budge, the ly lowering himself into the town itself, commenced
aforesaid fort, before which a couple of frigates and cheering as loud as he could, intermingling his vosome armed boats were lying at the time of my ciferations with cries for liquor.
sketch. The native garrison, which amounted to    Assailed, as they supposed, on both sides, the
about six hundred men, had vainly been summoned enemy actually in the fortress, surprised in the
to surrender. They vowed they would rather die middle of the night, expecting nothing less than to
than do so. For three days, long shots had been be cut to pieces in the dark, what could they do?
fired at them; but, as the fortress was built of mud, The bravest well might hesitate; unable to get
no sooner was the smallest breach made than it their forces together, confused, and astounded, they
was instantly closed up, and rebuilt stronger than  naturally believed they had been betrayed. They
ever. One of the commanders advised the adop- had but one course left to pursue. They opened
tion of a storming party; his brother officer, how- the gates, and fled as fast and as far as their feet
ever, differed from him, urging that the place was would carry them, leaving the town in the quiet
too well garrisoned to be easily carried by assault. and peaceable possession of James Bunting, who,
The opinions of the two leaders were forwarded to  after shouting vainly for some time, fell down, and
Calcutta, and the reply expected to be returned on slept for a couple of hours, when he awoke, perthe morrow.                                    fectly sober, though about as much puzzled at findJames Bunting (so we will call the old tar) heard ing himself alone, and in the enemy's fort, as the
all these palavers, as: he styled them, and looked poor man was in the Arabian Nights, when he sudvery knowing. He understood there was a chance denly found himself transformed into an eagle.
of fighting, so he felt perfectly delighted. To his   Jim rubbed his eyes. He pinched his legs, and
berth he descended, and as usual, when he was par- walking up to a tank, actually drank three mouthticularly happy, managed to get particularly drunk, fuls of water before he could believe that he was
and turned in evidently the worse for liquor. Now, awake. He then strutted up to the ramparts: and
it so happened that in about an hour after he had convinced himself he was in his proper senses, for
thus settled himself in his hammock, he suddenly there lay the two frigates, and there floated the
awoke.  A  burning fever, an agonizing thirst union-jack, for which he had so often risked his
parched his mouth, so he arose, and went to his life. " Shiver my timbers! but this is a queer go!"
locker; but, alas! he: had drunk every drop of li- said he, and with that he twitched up his trowsers
quid he possessed, and where to find more he knew  as usual, and shook the pigtail-which then hung
not. On board the vessel he had no hopes; shore from every sailor's head.
was his' only chance; so, unseen by any one, he    The vessels, perceiving a man thus expose himmade his way into the-water -by lowering himself self, began to fire on him.
from the chains, or from a port-hole, or some such    "Avast there!" shouted Jim; but as they did not
place, and struck out for the beach, where he landed hear him, or attend to him, he ran to the principal
safely, in spite of alligators, sentinels, and all other battery, and, climbing up the flagstaff, pulled down
similar oppositions.                           the Dutch colors, and hoisted up a ragged old turWhen he had shaken the water from his hair, and ban he found lying in one of the streets. The comhitched up his trowsers, he began to look around  manders of the vessels thought this extremely odd.
for a toddy-shop, where he could purchase some of Something strange had evidently happened: so
that liquor, or some arrack, to take the chill off the they sent a boat on shore, bearing a flag of truce,




PICTORIAL HUMOR.                                    1103
carried by the first lieutenant of one of the frigates. the British colors; then writing a most pompous
Unmolested the party marched up to the fort; and, dispatch, in which he recommended the real captor
as the gates were open, unmolested they marched to be tried for leaving his ship without permission,
into it. Not a soul did they meet till Jim strutted he sent it back by a young midshipman, remaining
up to them.                                   behind himself with a half-a-dozen sailors, in order,
" Holloa, you sir, what's the meaning of this?" as he expressed it, to garrison the fort.
said the first lieutenant to Bunting, in a voice of   Strange to say, his recommendation was attended
anger; for it was sadly infra dig. for an officer of to, and Jim Bunting brought to a court-martial,
his rank to have been thus sent off to parley with a who most reluctantly were compelled to find him
common sailor. "What's the meaning of this?"   guilty, adjudging him, however, to undergo the least
"Please your honor, I hope you won't be angry, possible punishment that could be inflicted for so
Leeftenant, but, somehow or other, I've taken this glaring a breach of discipline. Jim felt highly inplace. The enemy have cut the painter, and sheered  dignant at the turn things had taken. He could
off."                                         not help fancying himself an ill-used man; but he
"What!" cried the superior.  "You took the bore it stoically. When, however, he heard the
fort?"                                       verdict delivered; when he heard himself proJim nodded.                                 nounced guilty, he once more hitched up his nether
"And, pray, who the devil gave you leave to do garments, and exclaimed in an audible voice as he
so, I should like to know?  Get on board, sir, di- left the cabin, "D-n my eyes, if ever I take anrectly."                                      other fort as long as I live."
~"Ay, ay, sir," replied Jim respectfully, instantly    Need I add that, though, to satisfy the strictness
doing as he was desired.                      of the law, to which all in the navy must bow, the
In the mean time, the lieutenant went and for- verdict of guilty was brought in, he was afterwards
mally took possession of the place by running up amply praised, and rewarded by his superiors?
PICTORIAL HUMOR.
BY JOHN LEECH.
ANGELINA. Will my darling Edwin grant his Angelina a boon?
EDWIN. IS there any thing on earth her Edwin would not do for his pet?-Name the boon, oh,
dearest-name it!
ANGELINA. Then, love, as we dine by ourselves to-morrow, let us, oh! let us have roast pork, with
plenty of sage and onions!




1104                        ALL FOR WANT OF A HALFPENNY.
ALL FOR WANT OF A HALFPENNY., ~inanial hidetda.
BY J. PALGRAVE SIMPSON.
I AM not fond of old proverbs. For the most part, I punishable if the infringement is known.  Now,
they have grown wondrously inapplicable to practi- these demons were the demons of pleasure, curiosical life in the present day. It might be a matter of ty, love of change, desire for excitement, and, if
curious research to trace the reasons why so many of last, not least, the demon of contrariety-the demon
them have become trivial truisms, worn-out saws, that urges weak mortals to do certain deeds, simply
or utterly false scraps of futile philosophy-taking  and solely because those deeds are forbidden.
it for granted, of course, that, once upon a time, These demons, like the witches in Macbeth, with
they really were true, and fitted manners in their one finger on their skinny lips, intimating that seapplication. But this research is not my purpose  crecy was sure, with the other outstretched, in a
now. There are, however, some old axioms, the  southerly direction, towards the crown of my amprofundity of which I am never tired of admiring, biton, were always whispering "'London! London!"
much as they may, at first sight, appear to touch  The " parental" were safe in the country. No one
nearly, like their cousins, the proverbs, upon trivi- would be likely to meet or know me in town. The
ality of truism. One, with which I have always metropolitan theatres —the dreams of my childbeen most peculiarly impressed, is that which has hood, my boyhood, and my youth —were looming
flowed into metre in the words, "From little causes in the distance, gorgeous and tempting visions!
great effects arise."  It is, perhaps, my childish cu- Other pleasures rose before my eyes-day-dreams
xiosity as regards the hidden mainsprings of men's of my constant aspirations-fair mirages of a colleactions, the exercise of which has always been, from  giate desert! The demons were powerful-the will
my boyhood, one of my favorite pastimes, that has was weak-discovery improbable-gratification cerled me to consider this axiom as one of the most tain. It were useless to detail all the rounds of the
profound in its practical application. From its con- great stand-up fight between Duty and Inclination.
stant study, I have arrived at the conviction that Of course, Inclination pummelled Duty, until Duty's
there are none of the greatest events of history  eyes were completely "bunged up," and Duty's
which could not be traced to a primary starting  ears were deafened by the terrible back-hitters it
point, in its nature so trivial and frivolous, that, by received. The result of the combat was inevitable.
comparison, it would be as the grain of sand to the  " A few days in town!"-ye gods of youthful anticimountain-that the great memorable facts on re- pations, what a glorious symphony of delight was in
cord have all grown from some slight cause, as the  the words!-so a few days in town were resolved
oak from the acorn. I was, early in life, practically  upon. Finances were, however, prudently counted,
convinced of this truth, by an adventure which hap- and found available. A last letter-another would
pened to myself. Pardon me! Let it not, for a not be expected for a week-was despatched to the
moment, be supposed that I have the vanity to  parental penates; and, with a heart beating with
think I have ever appeared, as a prominent figure, anticipated joys, and also with some of that fluster
in any great historical event, or that I have even  of nervous apprehension, which the little " tic-tac "
been the grain of sand which eventually led to the  of conscience will, after all, be always hammering,
formation of the mountain, or the acorn which  under such circumstances, about that same region,
formed the seed for the wide-spreading oak. Far I started for town.  "Only for a few days," I refrom it; the events I am about to relate, if " events" peated.
such trivialities as the incidents of an adventure    Those were not the days of that rapid locomotion,
may be called, are the smallest of the small in the  which, with a little contrivance, now enables an unworld's great sum. But all things are comparative; dergraduate to have his "spree in town," and yet
and to me these paltry events were great at the  be "up" again to be marked for hall-dinner. Railtime, as regarded their temporary effect upon the  ways had not lent to gownsmen their demoniac aid
equilibrium of one man's state of mind and body  to drive " high pressure express" through the barduring several hours; and, as circumstances turned  riers of parental authority; and, by the way, it
out, they might have easily exercised a mighty in- might be another matter of curious research to
fluence on my own little destiny. The simple words, trace how far the facilities of railway travelling may
"might have," even if they did not, is sufficient to  have proved facilities in the relaxation of morals
prove the truth of my axiom.                    and social ties-a research which, also, cannot be
To proceed. I was, at that time, an undergradu- entered upon now. The old coach-the " slow and
ate of the University of Cambridge. Parental au- seedy," the most available for my purpose, was even
thority asserted, in those days, a sway seemingly  then called as a thing too much behind the requireunknown in later years, or but seldom asserted in  ments of the age, not to merit contempt-was the
its pristine rigor, and comparatively but feebly ex- public conveyance, which was to prove the gilded
ercised. The despotic announcement from the pa- chariot of desire and hope. Perhaps, the difficulrental throne, that I was expected to remain in col- ties and delays of locomotion in those days, only
lege, and lose no time in reading for honors, during  added to the charms of a forbidden escapade: it is
the short Easter vacation, was a ukase from which  in human nature that difficulties should do so; and,
there was no escape. An infringement was sure to  may be, easiness of execution now diminishes the
be met by a punishment of a long exile to a moral zest with which an under-graduate of either univerSiberia. But even Russian subjects sometimes re- sity formerly regarded a "bolt off to the village."
volt; and several little demons were insidiously  But this is, again, beside my purpose.
whispering to my heart, that infringement is only I  I am not going to enter now upon a description




ALL FOR WANT OF A HALFPENNY.                                 1101
of all I did, all I saw, all I enjoyed-for I enjoyed  ly susceptible heart, a treacherously vivid imaginaevery thing in those days, and have not yet entirely  tion, and an all absorbing love of adventure. I
lost that happy faculty-during those "'few days"  darted after the lovely female immediately; for
(of course, prolonged beyond my first intention) of lovely I was most positively convinced she was, by
charming but somewhat agitated truancy; although  my heart's instincts, although I never saw her face.
a fast man's doings in those days made, in so many  Besides, there was no mistaking the grace of that
respects, a notable contrast with a fast man's doings exquisite tournure-the elegance of that lady-like
in the present, that a description of them  might apparel-the neatly turned delicacy of that foot and
form a tableau de mceurs, almost sufficiently lost to  ankle, as with one hand she held up her dress to
moderners to give it the piquancy of a page of  avoid that slight layer of mud, which seems indisPepys's. My last day had arrived-my very last. pensable to the well-being of the Strand, even in
I was just able, by "slow and seedy," to reach  bright weather. What a light, springy step she
Cambridge in time to send off an epistle, duly dated  had, too! She must be a Hebe! She was as young
with the old hieroglyphics, "C. C. C. C.," and duly  as beautiful. She walked briskly; I followed with
stamped with the official post-mark, to prove that I quick steps, but unwilling to alarm her by too eviwas at my post, and a willing martyr to the inflictions dent a pursuit —I followed like one fascinated by a
of duty-just able,.and no more! My "traps "-I  witch-spell. She turned the corner of Wellington
forgot, however, whether a man's travelling neces- Street, and made for Waterloo Bridge. Between
saries were called " traps " in those days-had been  that corner and the bridge I was never once able to
duly packed at the obscure hotel, where I had  pass her, so as directly to turn round and gaze upon
taken up my abode, as less likely to be discovered. her lovely face. She reached the bridge rapidly,
A few hours were still free, before the departure of paid her halfpenny, passed the turnstile-and there
" slow and seedy."  I remember that I had been  I stood on the other side! I felt for a halfpennyindulging pour passer le temps, in a flirtation with a my last and only coin of that value had been reckpretty shopwoman, and an indigestible bun, at a lessly flung away! But was I to be detained in my
pastrycook's in the Strand; and I stood by the  pursuit of that beauteous creature for the want of
shop door and carefully looked over the contents such a paltry piece of money?  Gallantry forbid!
of my purse, to assure myself, once more, that I I pulled out my purse, hunted out my sixpence,
had still more than sufficient to pay my hotel bill, flung it down, and, furious at the dilatory precision
and the demands of " slow and seedy."  Yes! they  of the toll-keeper, as he fumbled for my fivepencewere ample. They still consisted of a few sover- halfpenny worth of balance, dashed through the
eigns, a five-shilling piece, a half-crown, a shilling, turnstile, with the hasty objurgation of-" Confound
a sixpence, and a halfpenny!  That common, vul- you! —keep your change!"
gar, dirty, brown halfpenny, lying along with its   During this delay, the "lovely one" had considaristocratic gold and silver brethren, excited my  erably gained upon me in her rapid course. She
most supercilious contempt. As I gazed upon the  hadjust reached the further extremity of the bridge,
paltry coin, why was there no good genius near me, and was proceeding, with that peculiar fascinating
to whisper, " Nothing so small but may aid in time jauntiness of step, along the Waterloo Road, when I
of need "-another axiom, which I have since cher- found myself sufficiently near to make a plunge in
ished and observed to the personal incumbrance of advance of her, and turn. This rapid act of footshelves, drawers, and pockets, in the preservation  manship was executed to my entire satisfaction;
of trifles. Why did no warning spirit suggest to my  and I faced round! Fatality! At the very same
mind, not yet outgrown from childhood's love, the  moment my fair unknown mounted the steps of a
fable of the lion and the mouse? Alas, I had but large house, and knocked at the door. During the
recently cut all acquaintance with my good genius, interval that ensued, before the appearance of a
and repudiated all right to the influence of warning  slipshod maid in answer to that knock, the object
voices? But I must not anticipate. That common, of my pursuit was not even influenced by that powvulgar, dirty, brown halfpenny, at that moment, was erful motive of curiosity, which is supposed to be
in my eyes, I say, an object of disgust. A little  so essentially feminine, to turn her head and look
ragged girl was passing the shop-door; and before  at her pursuer; and yet she must have been aware
her feet I " chucked " away the obnoxious halfpen- that a gentleman, and one of decent personal apny. Of course it was pounced upon by eager hands. pearance, he flattered himself, was behind her. The
The child's eyes glistened wistfully-perhaps, also, door was opened-an inquiry was made-she diswith a glance of gratitude. But I must solemnly  appeared behind that closing door. I felt myself
confess, that I was not actuated by the slightest profoundly humiliated. My amour propre was now,
feelings of charity. I cannot take that "flattering  however, strongly called into play, as ally and auxunction" to my soul.  Had that halfpenny of desti- iliary to my previous love of excitement. I was
ny rolled into a drain, I should not have less con- not going to renounce my piquant adventure upon
sidered its mission on earth accomplished-I should  the first slight defeat. Oh, no!  I commenced,
not have felt one feeling of remorse that it had not then, the duty of performing, what the Germans
done its work of benevolence. But I had no time  so significantly call "fenster-parade "-window pafor reflections, even had I been inclined to make rade-before that house. But not a glimpse could
them-which I in no way was-for, at that moment, I catch of any lovely form at any window of any
such a jaunty, sprightly female figure passed me, story of the house. I did considerable damage to
that I was immediately all eyes for that pattern of the soles of my boots with the continuous friction
slim elegance. If I mistook-and I was not mis- of my impatience. Time-precious time-elapsed.
taken-she had turned her head suddenly towards She did not come. Did she, perhaps, reside in that
me, and started with visible emotion. I could not house?  Had I hunted my fox to earth?  Might I
see her face. It was but for a second she had  not spend the rest of the day without unearthing
turned her head; and a veil was drawn down and  her?  But no. The elegance of that lady-like atheld tightly before her. Now, I always had a cruel- tire never could belong to a house in the Waterloo




1106                       ALL FOR WANT OF A HALFPENNY.
Road! I resumed my fenster-parade. Suddenly my  I was receiving. I had almost reached the  bridge,
eye fell upon a grinning pot-boy, who stood with  when, on turning, I saw at last, to my delight, my
the empty attributes of his peripatetic calling, evi- fair unknown descending the steps of the -mysteridently'laughing at me and my occupation. My first ous house. Now I should meet her! But no!
feeling was that of wrath at this vulgar ridicule-   She turned in the other direction. I again pursued
my first impulse that of pommelling. But these her.  But, oh! and again fatality! she hailed a
first feelings were crushed by the bright idea that coach, got into it, and proceeded along the Waterthis probable denizen of the neighborhood might loo Road. Now the old "' hackney" of those days
be able to give me some information with regard to  was as devoid of the fleetness of movement possessthe inmates of that house.                     ed by the public vehicles of the present time, as
So.I accosted my satirical observer, and pro- were all other means of locomotion.  With a
pounded to him  boldly the necessary questions. slight exertion I might have followed and kept in
Confound the fellow! he only scratched his head  sight the heavy old "jarvey," on foot. But at the
and grinned the more.  Indignation, however, time a cab passed-a cab-then a modern conveyagain gave way to another bright idea. There is a ance.  An evil genius prompted me to hail the
certain race of beings, whose powers of speech are  driver-my good genius, you know, had long since
so feeble, that their tongues cannot be loosened, left me, very deservedly, perh4ps, in the lurch. I
until a charm, much recommended by gipsies, is imagined that I could continue my pursuit in a far
exercised upon it-that, namely, of crossing the  more satisfactory manner, as regarded both body
palm with silver. My purse was again put in requi- and mind, by this seemingly more commodious prosition. Now it is perfectly evident that, for this ceeding. Giving the cabman directions to follow
purpose, a " little sixpence" would have amply suf- the vehicle immediately before us, keep it in sight,
ficed. But that " little sixpence " had already been  and stop a little short of the place where it might
sent to look after that halfpenny, the contemptuous stop, I flung myself upon the seat. Our avant coutreatment of which was already bringing down upon rier turned down a street to the right-Lambeth
my destined head its just retaliation-that halfpen, Marsh, I have since been led to believe, was its mudny, the true value of which was now beginning to  dy appellation-we followed.  Suddenly we were
be felt. So a shilling was compelled to take the arrested in our career by a brewer's dray, a costerplace of the "little sixpence."  The proof of the monger's donkey cart, and sundry other obnoxious
infallibility of gipsies was shown, however, on the vehicles. But, by Jove! the jarvey had got past
spot. The charm  operated like a miracle. The before the thick of the obstruction came; —the jarpot-boy's power of speech was suddenly restored; vey had got past! and we were blocked up as with
although that obnoxious grinning was not for a an avalanche-a fallen Rossberg, which no human
moment modified by the sudden revulsion. The efforts could have removed.  What availed my
information I received was of a most miscellaneous frantic curses on the head of the cabman, who was
character; the different stories of the house were not in fault?-or on my own, although far nearer
inhabited by personages of the most varied descrip- to justice in this last fulmination?  We were pitition-in the first floor lived a "curious old chap," lessly locked in! Nothing was to be done but to
-pot-boy could not tell me what he was; some said pursue the coach on foot. I sprang from the cab,
he was a conjurer-others a doctor-only he didn't and telling the cabman to go-never mind wheredoctor like other doctors-he was supposed to doc- tendered him hastily his fare. In those days, his
tor by magic signs with his fingers. IIe had no fare would have been eightpence.  The smallest
family.  In the second floor dwelt a celebrated  coin now left in my possession, since the reckless
actress, with her husband. In the third was a tai- bestowal of that shilling upon the grinning pot-boy
lor's establishment.  In the garrets-but no! I -that shilling which might have been replaced by
would not have the prestige of my beauteous crea- a sixpence, if the sixpence had not been tendered
ture destroyed by a supposition that she could have to the toll-keeper, and all for want of that unlucky
any connection with garrets! I waived all further halfpenny!-the smallest coin now left was half a
information of so lofty a description. I could not crown. Of course the cabman had no change-a
believe that she had come to have her fortune told  cabman never has, more especially when he sees a
by the conjurer-I would not so cruelly malign her fare in a fluster of hurry-to say nothing of a fare
good sense; and I was ignorant at that time of the  who has just sent him-never mind where! If I
new profession of mesmeric pathology, just then  could wait, he might, perhaps, get change at the
struggling into notice. She could not be-she was nearest "public."  Wait! wait! impossible! so the
not the celebrated actress. I knew all the celebrat- cabman grinned and pocketed the half-crown-he,
ed actresses at all the theatres in London by heart, too, grinned! And again behold me on my feet, in
and the celebrated actress named in particular. pursuit of that creaky, crazy, crawling vehicle,
My fair unknown wanted very many inches of her which contained the object of my admiration. Yes!
volume of waist. She could not have come to the  there it was still before me! Pursuing my way
tailoring establishment to order a coat or a pair of  through opposing throngs-never surely was Lon-no! no! —I was bewildered.  I renewed my  don thoroughfare so encumbered before-I reached
fenster-parade once more. Exit pot-boy, still grin- the corner of Bridge Street, just as jarvey turned
ning over the charm which crossed the palm of his the same corner. I rushed round at a sharp afigle.
hand, with the evident conviction impressed upon  Then came a crash-an outcry —a grasp of my colevery feature of his face, that the " young chap was lar-a struggle, and a fall!
awful green."                                    In my sharp turn of that unlucky corner, my feet
The beat of my fenster-parade was getting more had come into conflict with a mass of crockery exand more elongated-for its exercise had evidently  posed to view, and, perhaps, not unwittingly, to
attracted the notice of various passengers, and accident, before a paltry shop door. The master
among others, of a guardian of the public peace; of the establishment, seeing that I paid no heed to
and I was troubled by the little flattering attention  the mischief I had done, by smashing sundry platcs




ALL FOR WANT OF A HALFPENNY.                                 1107
and other utensils of the coarsest fabric, had seized  similar dilemma-simply tell the truth, laugh over
me by the collar and rudely dragged me back with  it, and beg ten minutes' hospitality. But, no. I
an impetus, to which the hurried movement of my  could find no available reason for my entry, but the
desperate impatience lent a resistless force.  In  natural one, which the occupation of my host sugvain was my frantic cries-in vain was my struggle! gested. Besides, I feared that he too might misinA powerful arm held me captive, until I should  terpret my story. I declared that I had called, in
make ample compensation for the damage. I pro- an extremity of agony, to have a tooth extracted.
mised all that was desired, if my antagonist would  Now, I solemnly assert that all my teeth were in the
but make a rapid estimate of the injury inflicted  finest possible condition; and, I believe, I had a
upon his dirty crockery. A sulky, but keen glance  kind of conviction on my mind that my honest
was thrown over the fragments; and I was inform- operator would immediately declare -that there was,
ed that half-a-crown would about pay for the un- in reality, no tooth to extract. In answer to his
lucky smash. I am convinced-I was convinced at inquiries as to where I felt the pain, I gasped, in an
the moment-that tenpence would have been an  embarrassed manner, "Every where."  Upon this
ample remuneration. But I attempted no resist- the rascal audaciously asserted that he descried the
ance to the extortion. My purse was again opened  cause of the pain in one of my molars; and, before
for the half-crown demanded. But my only half- I could expostulate, an instrument was inserted into
crown was already gone to replace the shilling, that my mouth, to prevent further explanation, and a
had replaced the sixpence, that had replaced the  molar was wrenched from my jaws. Par paranunlucky and self-avenging half-penny!  It was a  these, I am fully convinced that all the evils that
very " House that Jack built," (could I have laughed, have since happened to as splendid a set of teeth as
I could have chuckled, a very "house that Jack  originally ever adorned a human mouth, are wholly
demolished ")-of financial disaster!  I tendered  attributable to the untimely dislocation of that one
the five-shilling piece. Myrude brittleware enemy  molar-another illustration of causes and effects,
was fumbling in his pockets for change, when a vile upon which I cannot now dwell. However, the.twenty-stone blowsy female helpmate of the small operation had been performed; and, still maddened
dealer came forward, and, without even deigning to  with pain and mortification, I hunted in my purse
cast one of her squinting eyes upon the destroyed  for payment.  A circular lay upon the table of the
ware, impudently asserted that the five shillings vile Screw; and I had occasion to see that the sum
tendered would scarcely cover the price of the  of five shillings was professionally demanded for the
damage. Now, this began to be too much for my  extraction of a tooth. My five-shilling-piece, howexasperated spirit!  I angrily resisted the further ever, had disappeared, upon the "house that Jack
claim, which, could I have paid the half crown at demolished" principle. I laid one of my sovereigns
once, would visibly never have been made. I was on the table. What did that audacious fellow mean
more angrily treated as a malefactor. The reeking  by smiling with that false smile, and transferring
crowd of all ages and of both sexes, which had  the sovereign to his pocket?  He evidently meant
gathered around us, uplifted their "greasy voices," to insinuate that it was no more than his accusand howled "Shame! shame!" at me! me, the vic- tomed fee. I have said that I was young and fooltim!  Hideous hootings arose upon the air; and  ish. So, instead of politely speaking my mind to
the guardian of the public peace-an apparition, the traitor, I merely blushed again awkwardly, and
whom only an evil destiny could have raised at a  allowed myself to be bowed out of the room; and I
jundture when interference was really necessary-  found my way down again into the street, minus a
again suddenly stood by my side, and, by a grasp of fine molar, and with the horrible conviction dawnmy collar, appeared inclined to side with the clamor- ing upon me that the funds necessary for the payous populace, and drag me to " durance vile," as a ment of my bill and the fare of " slow and seedy"
positive or a probable criminal. But, by this time I — necessary to allow me to escape from London,
had become frantic. I made a " grand rush of one,"  and return to those college rooms, whence I was
tore myself from the hands of the tyrannical myr- bound to indite my weekly epistle, without which
midon, dashed through the crowd with the violence  detection and disgrace were inevitable-were alof a young elephant, and rushed desperately along  ready frightfully entrenched upon. I was a lost
Bridge-street, pursued by cries of " Stop thief! stop  man! My mind was far from relieved by the furthief!"-cries admirably illustrative of the diaboli- ther conviction that, but for the reckless disregard
cal injustice of the divine "vox populi,"-for had I of that poor despised halfpenny, sixpence would
not have left my five shilling piece in the hands of  have saved a shilling, a shilling half-a-crown, half-amy extortioner?                                crown five shillings, five shillings a pound, and that
I ran as a man will run before the howlings of a my sovereign would have been still safe in my purse.
mass of other men, however unjust the popular exe- All my financial misfortunes had arisen simply "for
cration, when he is unaided and has lost his head. the want of a halfpenny!"
I ran. The pursuit was still behind me; the howl-   When I reached the street my pursuers had disings still rang in my ears. I felt myself a hare flee- persed.  Of course, my beauteous unknown had
ing from a pack of mangy hounds. Suddenly the  long since disappeared for ever in that treacherous
thought crossed that I might double. I turned, coach. Still I seemed the object of unpleasant atand- darted into an open house door, tore up the  tention. The truth slowly dawned upon me that
first flight of stairs, dimly discovered a brass plate  my coat had been torn up my back by the late
upon a door, setting forth the words, "Screw, struggle in the matter of the crockery. There was
Dentist,"-rang frantically, and was admitted with- nothing to be done but to purchase, at the nearest
out further molestation. Usheredinto the presence  salesman's, a hideous ready-made outer garment.
of Mr. Screw, dentist, I stammered and blushed, With these further entrenches upon my finances,
and could find no excuse for my intrusion. I was the smallest hope of meeting my liabilities would
too young and foolish to do what I should have now  have vanished, even had not all hope vanished bedone-could I, with any possibility, find myself in a fore. I now looked upon myself completely as an




1108                            THE SERIOUS JOE MILLER.
outcast, a beggar, a discovered and degraded being. disobedience, he would certainly remove you from
I could not reach Cambridge without an appeal to  the University for ever, and make you expiate your
friends or family for funds. I was utterly lost! fault in some position of wretched drudgery." See!
"All for the want of a halfpenny!"             what great effects in my destiny might have arisen
Repentance and regret were now, however, vain. from one trivial cause. "But, for once, I will conIn this state of mind I crossed Westminster Bridge, ceal your delinquency," she continued, like a good,
and found myself in the regions of Charing Cross, dear, indulgent, liberal little mother, as she was.
wandering despondingly towards my hotel. So ab- " I saw you at a glance in the Strand, as, being for
sorbed in my dilemma was I that I no longer looked  a few days in town, I passed on my way to visit our
upon any of the passers-by. What instinct, then, poor old housekeeper, Mrs. Hewett, who lies sick
was it that made me start suddenly and look  and in poverty in the garrets of a house in Wateraround?  Yes! it was again my fair unknown, who  loo-road, but thought it best to ignore your preshad passed me with another lady. It was the same  ence, and refuse to see what it pained me to see.
elegant attire-the same charming figure-the same Why did you persist in following me?" —(Could I
lady-like tournure. Again my reckless fit seized me! say?)-" I then took a coach, visited your cousins
-and why should it not?  Was I not utterly lost in Parliament-street, with one of whomI have come
already?  I followed once more. The ladies en- on here. I little thought to see you again; but
tered the National Gallery. I was quickly behind  you seem to force yourself upon me. I ought to
the object of my pursuit in the first room. Sudden- speak harshly to you. There is one trait of your
ly she turned, and uttered an exclamation of sur- conduct, however, my boy, which has given me
prise at seeing me.  But that exclamation was pleasure in the midst of my distress about you, and
nothing in intensity to my own. It was my own bids me be indulgent. I have seen you charitably
mother!-my own mother, whose youthful elegance  disposed to the unfortunate."  Oh! how I blushed
of figure had often been the theme of general ad- at this unmerited praise! But, oh! lucky halfpenmiration, but, probably, had never before attracted  ny! " You may want money, my child, after such
the attention of her son-my own mother, whom I a journey. Here, take this!"  She thrust a fivehad fancied safely domiciled in the country! My pound note into my hand, bless her! "and rememconsternation, confusion, anguish, I cannot attempt ber, we have not seen each other."  We parted.
to expatiate upon now.                            So I paid my hotel bill, and got back by " slow
After some minutes of awkward embarrassment, and seedy:" and my father remained in ignorance
and a few preliminary stammered sentences, my  of my escapade.  And I have learned never again,
mother took my hand, and spoke kindly.  "My by recklessness in trifles, to plunge myself into emdear John," she said, " should your father ever dis- barrassment, " all for the want of a halfpenny!"
cover that you have committed so great an act of
THE SERIOUS JOE MILLER.
BY DUDLEY COSTELLO.
THE wide spread of intellect, which distinguishes tone of lofty sentiment to the exordium  which
the present generation from all that have preceded  heralds his poignant anecdotes, and by the force of
it, and the intense desire for knowledge which  startling antithesis, to enhance the value of the
pervades all classes of society, have impressed upon  witticism.
the writer of the following lines the necessity of   With this view, the following specimens are reministering to the wants of an educated public in a spectfully submitted to the discerning public.
manner hitherto unattempted. Frivolity has, until             THE MASQUERADE.
now, characterized by far too large a proportion of'Tis merry in Lord William's hail to-night;
our literature, and familiarity of style has bred con- The dance, the song, the garlands, and the lamps,
tempt in the minds of the majority of readers. The dance, the song, the garlands, and the lamps,
tempt in the minds of the majority of readers. Make night a summer day. Fair forms are there,
Antiquity has ceased to be venerated, and old age  Graceful as houris fresh from Paradise.
has been held in disesteem. Our best comic authors The guests are clothed in garbs of many lands:
have suffered from this cause-and more particu- The Pole, the Russ, the Turk, the Highlander,
larly one who is identified, not only with the Eng- With step majestic tread themarble floor;
lish language, but with the daily intercourse and  And di'monds flash from many a haughty brow;
intimate conversation of Englishmen, in all our And dimonds pride, and pom  man y a haughty brow;
relations of life, and particularly-after dinner! Is The board is glittering with a gorgeous pile
it necessary that the name of Joseph Miller should                         a e
be mentioned? He to whom we owe the most has    viands, hasform'd to lure te appetite,
met with the least gratitude in return. A witticism  And make tanchorite forget his vow.
One sat beside that table.
is uttered,-not the very newest, perhaps,-and
straightway the listener curls his lip, and scornfully                 He was paleexclaims, "A Joe!" as if it were a crime to repeat As though the blight of sorrow had too soon
that which, when first it was told, imparted the  Pass'd o'er the blossom of his youthful hopes:
keenest delight! This false feeling arises, not from  His glance was wand'ring and irresolute,
any defect in the jokes themselves, but from the  As if he sought-and found not. By his garb,
manner of putting them; and this we purpose, ac- You might have said Armenia called him soncording to our present system, to remedy.       Ample his sleeve, and large his mantle's folds.
Instead of descending to the common-place level Sudden a flash, as of a gem illumined,
of prose, it is our intention to raise the respected  Broke from his eye; his hand with rapid motion
Miller to the dignity of blank-verse; to impart a Clutches some object, and again supine




THE SERIOUS JOE MILLER.                                 1109
Sinks into quietude:-but where it pass'd       Such as the Druids in their sacred rites
There is a void-a space-where something was,   Might well have used. Within-but let me not
And is no more!                                Lift the dim curtain from that secret placeWho gazes fixedly,'Tis with the windows of that temple now
As though the scowl of hate were in that look?  I have to do: and so had he, yon chief,
Suspicion-of a nameless character-              Whose brawny arm is raised with fell intent;
Curls the sardonic look, and sharp and fierce   Whose hands grasp missiles dangerous and dire,
Flow forth the words from that envenom'd tongue, While with a force worthy a Titan's strength,
As, seizing from the board a vase brimful       He dash'd them at th' illuminated windows.
T' o'erflowing, —he accosted the Armenian,                                     Loud
And, dashing the contents into his breast,      And terrible the crash; pane after pane
Exclaim'd, " Perhaps,-as you have stolen the fowls, Fell rattling down, lamp follow'd blazing lamp,
You'd like some melted butter with them, sir!"  In wild confusion-fired with fiendlike rage,
The giant, madden'd with his first success,
THE CARAC.                    Pursued his proud advantage. All had felt
IKEEN blew the blast across the dreary waste,   His vengeance, when a blow, quick, heavy, telling,
The driving sleet, and cold, sharp piercing rain,    Came down upon him with the speed of light.
Beat in the trav'ller's face, and numb'd his limbs,   " Why do you break my windows, ruffian, say?"
As onward still he sped, to gain the roof       Exclaim'd a voice-" Because I am a glazier,"
Where he might safely house;-the prowling wolf, Return'd the Titan, with a fiendish laugh.
Alone abroad, howl'd wildly for his prey,  "And I a surgeon," cried the enraged assailant;
Alone abroad, howd wildly for his prey,.4 "And for this cause'tis mine to break thry-head.'
And mock'd the wat'ry moon that gleam'd above.
THE LANE.
Anselmo stood within his ancient hall:
He paced the marble floor,-then wistfully'Twos a green lane, the primrose was in bloom,
Turn'd his dark eyes to where no cheerful blaze  And the sweet violet, with purple blush,
Gleam'd forth as it was wont;-his household gods Starrd ev'ry bank: the hawthorn hedges gave
Were shiver'd all; gloom darken'd o'er his hearth, Their perfumed garlands to the flattering wind
And desolation reign'd, where once was joy!     That fondled them: the golden buttercup
And white-ray'd daisy looked up from the grass,
Emerald and glistening with the morning's tears.
Sudden the trampling of a steed was heard;
The loud-toned bell gave warning of approach;   The steer, with spotted hide, peep'd o'er the fence,
The loud-toned bell gave warning of approach;,              t
The portal open'd.-Dripping, from the storm,    And low'd a welcome to the rising day;
A stranger enter'd; from his vest he drew   The tit sprang from a tiny twig, and woke
A stranger enter'd; from his vest be drew              l  o   v.
A scroll, inscribed with mystic characters:     A fairy lay of love; the fleecy ock
" Beholdl" he cried, "this token of my zeal!   Their ceaseless labor,'midst the thymy mead,
"Behold," he cried, "this token of my zeal!    Pursued, with heads bent down, as though they
I come but now, from yonder distant mart,      Pursued, with heads bent down, as though they
To tell thee that a carac, long consign'd,          sougt
Has safely made the port-and there she lies,    Some treasure strew'd along the flow'ry way.
Her precious cargo waiting thy award.           Thrice happy searchers! finding what they seek,
But'tis a costly price thou'lt have to pay    Food —ever food —fragrant and fresh and springing,
For what thou lack'st; —coals now are coals indeed.  Like youthfu hopes and wishes.
Who approaches,
Anselmo's brow grew dark, his breath came short; With buoyant step and countenance, where blend
He seized the paper with a trembling hand,      The rich vermilion and the purple tint
And gazed upon those characters of fire-        Of health and exercise? Young boy, thy face
Then, with a scowl of fearful augury,           Is round and ruddy, and thy garments scarce
He slowly mutter'd to the messenger,            Conceal those limbs robust and strongly knit.
He slowly mutter'd to the messenger,
"I'm glad'tis so-the last you sent were slates!"   There is a sparkle in that eye of thine
Might make the warbler on his topmost bough
THE ILLUMINATION.                 Tremble for those within the downy nest.
LONDON was in a blaze-great Wellington         Another form comes pacing from afar,
Had made his name immortal, and the swords     Severe and lordly, portly and austere:
Of our brave warriors had done mighty things;    In sable clad, and hat of mystic form,
The enemy was crush'd, and Victory             Bespeaking reverence.
Raised her enamelled crest, and crow'd for joy!
But no sign of awe
London was in a blaze-Saint James's Street      That blooming boy displays-he passes onWas all one meteor, gems of ev'ry hue           Yes, on-nor turns aside, nor bows his head,
Sent forth their flashing coruscations round,  But whistling, runs as'though no clergyman
In myriad lamps of letters, stars, and suns.   Existed under Nature's canopy!
A shouting multitude is gazing upward:          "Ill-nurtured urchin!" cries the reverend man,'Twould seem as if the world had but one mouth,   " Methinks that thou art better fed than taught."
And that was open in amazed delight.
One window —-window did I say-a score          The boy of rosy countenance turn'd round,
Of crystal casements glitter'd like a lake     And with a glance in which respect was not,
On which the planets shine.'Twas in a house    And an unfolding of his fingers four
Where even in daylight rainbow hues were seen   And thumb depress'd, placed on his curling nose,
On vases ranged in rows symmetrical:            Replied-" You're right for once, old gentleman;
Mysterious forms of instruments were there,     For mother feeds me, and I'm taught by you!"
71




1110                WHIMSICALITIES OF ROBERT WILLIAM  ELLISTON.
WHIMSICALITIES OF ROBERT WILLIAM  ELLISTON.
FROM VARIOUS SOURCES.
ROBERT WILLIAM ELLISTON was the most gentle- it, that I have had one hundred pounds more in
manly comedian upon the stage.  In the warm-' that pit than there is at the present moment." The
hearted, eccentric heroes of the sterling comedies barefaced effrontery of this lie absolutely dumbhe has never been excelled; and his success in Sir founded the audience. The pit never held twenty
Edward Mortimer, in Colman's play of The Iron  pounds at any one time.  Before the collecting
Chest, after John Kemble had failed in it, stamped  wrath could explode, Elliston turned round to his
him as a tragedian of,considerable pretension. He  companion, and taking her hand with his blandest
afterwards went through the whole range of first- and most insinuating smile, resumed the refrain of
rate parts, but I must confess that his tragedy al- his song.-" E-e-e-enough-e-e-e-enough-and that
ways seemed vapid and heavy, even in his proud  -and that is-enough."  The transition was so aband palmy days. He had a pompous delivery in all rupt, and the words so ridiculously appropriate,
serious characters, with a labored and frequent em- that the thunder-cloud burst in a roar of laughter,
phasis; and the beautiful language of Shakspere  and the over-crowded audience settled legs as well
came from his mouth like the fustian of modern  as they could.
melo-drama. He played for some time at London    While he was lessee of Drury Lane theatre, some
and Bath upon alternate nights, travelling each day  comedy failed upon the first representation, and was
a distance.of more than one hundred miles; this most unequivocally damned. It was close upon the
procured him the name of "the telegraph actor."  time of the famine in Ireland, consequent upon the
He was at all times an industrious and persevering  failure of the potato-crop. Elliston was annoyed at
man, honest in his payments when he' could, but the non-success of the piece. He expected it would
too often lavish of promises which he never intend- have had a- long run, and have brought money to
ed to perform. As an actor of first-rate talent, he the treasury. He therefore insisted on one of the
was deservedly a general favorite; but as a man- performers announcing it for further representation.
ager, no man could be more despised. His domi- The audience felt insulted, and raised a cry of
neering temper involved him in continual strife. "Manager!"  He threw open the stage-door, and
His management at Drury Lane Theatre was marked  stalked on. "What is the reason you have conwith an eternal string of police cases, horse-whip- demned this comedy?  I am a better judge of
pings, squabbles and fights; yet he was without plays than you can be, and I aver it to be an exanimosity in his disposition, and in social life was cellent play, a capital play, and it must and shall be
bland, conversational, and agreeable.           again performed."  He retired toward the stage
Elliston had a rage-a passion-a perfect mania  door; a roar of indignation followed him. He felt
for addressing the audience, which he did most im- he had gone too far. The yells were redoubled;
pudently, and generally most effectually. He was he trembled for the safety of his chandeliers; so
once manager of the Olympic, a band-box theatre, drawing out his white cambric handkerchief, an exwith a small pit then enclosed, and not bigger than  cellent adjunct when you wish to be pathetic, he
a decent-sized drawing-room. The house had been  advanced again to the front, assuming a penitential
moderately attended in the early part of the even- and deprecatory air. The groans were loud and
ing in question, but the second or half-price cus- long, but he kept his ground, looking beseechingly
tomers crammed it to suffocation. The pit was so  to the right and left. He triumphed; a pause enfull that many persons became alarmed, and en- sued, when he began: "My countrymen! —thoudeavored to climb into the boxes; but as they were sands of our fellow-creatures are now starving in
already sufficiently crowded, the intruders were Ireland. A Benefit will take place at this theatre
pushed back again, and the confusion became up- in the course of next week, when I shall present
roarious. Elliston was acting the hero in Moncrieff's the whole of the proceeds to the committee apdrama of "Rochester."  He was on the stage, sing- pointed to receive subscriptions for their relief.
ing or endeavoring to sing to his lady-love, the  When I appeal to you as Englishmen for cooperaballad of "I love thee, and that is enough."  The tion in this glorious cause, my heart tells me that
over-crowded pitites were too noisy to be passed  I shall not appeal in vain."  A burst of approbation
over. Dropping the lady's hand, and advancing to  followed; John Bull was tickled; -the insult forthe very front of the stage, he looked all around  given; and Elliston retired amidst loud and vehewith an authoritative and school-master sort of ment shouts of applause.
stare, and in a pompous manner said, " What is the    In the stage representation of George the Fourth's
meaning of this disgraceful disturbance?"  "Too  coronation, which ran some two or three hundred
full-over-crowded, -shame!-shame!- robbery! nights, Elliston personated the King. This spectacle
give us back our money!" were some of the numer- was produced with extraordinary splendor; the prinous responses. " Do I understand aright, that you  cipal actors walked in procession as members of the
complain of the house being too full?  Who dare  Royal Family; a platform extended across the imassert it?" —and he drew himself up as if he felt mense pit; and the mimic monarch, gorgeously
that it was impossible any. one could contradict dressed in exact imitation of his royal patron,
him. "I do," said a gentleman in the pit; "there  marched over the heads of that portion of the auare more of us there now than the place was ever dience, and received the shouts of applause and the
intended to hold, and your door-keepers still keep  homage of his acted subjects, with a graceful and
admitting others."  Elliston pointed his finger at dignified acknowledgment.  The frequent repetithe speaker, and thus addressed him: "How dare tion of all this "pride, pomp, and circumstance"
you, sir, contradict me in my own house? I say  of kingly assumption, mingling with the fumes of
the pit is not too full; and to your confusion I say much brandy and water, and the natural hauteur of




WHIMSICALITIES OF ROBERT WILLIAM  ELLISTON.                         1111
his managerial dignity, so conglomerated our actor's   The audience roared, and Kean, lying on the
ideas, that he frequently fancied himself the mon- stage as the dead tyrant, muttered an emphatic
arch he was representing.  It has been said that he oath, which drew the attention of the front rows of
offered to confer the dignity of knighthood upon  the pit.
his stage manager, steady John Cooper; but if the    Elliston was told of his error. Upon the repetiproposal was ever made, it must have been when  tion of the piece, Wilmot, the prompter, cautioned
Elliston was most royally drunk. More than once  him before he went on, and repeated the words of
did he leave the crowd of kneeling courtiers, and  the line to him that he might impress them upon
advancing to the front of the stage, extend his arms his memory: "Not slain, sir, but living,-young
toward the audience as if in the act of benediction, Stanley was not killed."  "No, no,-I know, sir,and say, "God bless you, my people!"           I know," said Elliston; " d'ye think I am drunk, or
So firmly was this impression of royalty fixed in  a fool?" On he went, and inquired of the elder
the mind of this eccentric man, or so agreeable was Stanley if his son was —missing! and Powell anthe assumption to his usual pomposity, that it would  swered, with painful correctness:
frequently appear, even in matters of business,-      He is, my liege, and 8af- in Leicester town.
and in the early part of the day, too, when charity
would lead us to suppose that the spiritual move- When the queen of ballad singers, Mrs. Bland, was
ment could scarcely have commenced. A boy was unable to pursue her professional exertions, Ellissent to him with a note from a friend, requesting a ton gave her a benefit at Drury Lane, and all the
free admission for the evening. He waved his hand  talent in the metropolis volunteered assistance to'and said, in a dignified voice, "Child, quit the  help an old favorite.  Mathews sang a couple of
council chamber; we cannot now receive petitions." songs. Through some fault in the arrangements,
This regal display procured him the title of King  all the rest of the intermediate amusements were
Robert William, and even his friends nick-named  over before Mathews' first song came on. He sang
him His Majesty. A curious remark by old Spring, it, and was encored.  " Now what next?" said
the box-book keeper, added to thejeer. At this time  Mathews.
the rivalry between the two large houses was car-   "Why, my dear boy," replied Elliston, "my
ried to extremes.  An habitual frequenter met stupid blundering prompter has made a little misSpring in the lobby of Drury one evening, and ac- take,-a small error. We have nothing now but
costed him with, "Well, Spring, what sort of a your other song and the farce."
house have you to-night?-pretty full, eh?" " Mid-   "D  it, sir," said Mathews, who was always
dling, my dear, sir, middling; that is, not very good; irritable in business, "I can't and won't sing two
but we don't grumble; indeed we have no right to  comic songs close together. There must be somegrumble. God is very good to us, for they have a thing between them to relieve the thing. Nobody
miserable house at Covent Garden."  The wags serves up two courses at dinner, exactly alike, one
said, with more wit than reverence, that Drury was after the other; besides, I want to change my
managed by a monarch, and patronized by Provi- dress."
dence.                                            "Never mind dressing, my dear boy; the same
Richard the Third was reproduced under Elliston's dress will do for both."
management, with a revision of text, and a total   "What do you mean, Mr. Elliston, by'Never
alteration in the usual style of dress. Soane pro- mind dressing?'  Sir, I always mind dressing.
duced his authorities, and Kean jumped about in  When you give a dinner, and send down the renian iron skull-cap and a " close-bodied gown, the  son and the salmon to the cook, do you say'Never
sleeves curiously cut," looking more like a Tartar mind the -dressing,' or do you tell her that the same
amazon than the Richard of our idea. Elliston ap- dressing will do for both. This stupid business is
peared as Richmond in a new suit of shining armor, done on purpose to tease me. Hop on and sing a
and strutted about the stage, grasping a terrific long song, and then hop off. Encored, and hop on,
pole-axe and a bright shield, —very much to his and sing it again. Hop off, out of wind, fagg d to
own delight, Kean's annoyance, and the amusement death, and then you want me to hop on again, and
of the audience. In the last scene, when Harry  sing another d —d long song."
Tudor inquires of his friend, Lord Stanley, after his   "But on a night like this-charity   "
son, the safety of whose head had been threatened    "Curse charity! Charity begins at home. I
by the tyrant, Elliston should have said:       said I'd sing, and I will; but you don't want me to
Pray tell me, is young George Stanley living?  be all night singing, and hopping, and screeching,
like a lame parrot. It's done on purpose. I did say
I'd never enter your plaguy patent theatres again."
He is, my liege, and safe in Leicester town.  "Well, what time do you waft?"
Mr. Powel, a respectable veteran, played Lord    "Ten minutes to change my dress."
Stanley. He was the usual representative of gray-   "You shall have it."
headed pappies, quiet old guardians, and fifth act   "But how? —the curtain has been down five
uncles. He was always scrupulously perfect, but minutes now; can't keep them waiting a quarter of
could no more go out of his way, even to the altera- an hour, and nothing doing. They'll pull up the
tion of a syllable, than he could have walked up a benches,-pelt me,-knock my eye out,-serve me
rope stretched from the stage to the gallery, in the  right, —had no business to come."
style of that god of grace and agility, Herr Cline.   "Well, well, Mr. Mathews, go and dress; I'll
Elliston, instead of asking Powell if young Stanley  keep them in a good humor for you; I'll make a
was living, said                               speech!"
Is young George Stanley slain?         Mathews went to his dressing room, and Elliston
took out his watch. He suffered three minutes more
To which Powell replied, with his usual accuracy:  to elapse, then, with his watch concealed in the
He is, my liege, and safe in Leicester town.  palm of one hand, and his white handkerchief in




1112                WHIMSICALITIES OF ROBERT WILLIAM  ELLISTON.
the other, he gravely threw open the stage door, their satisfaction; were his generous patrons but
and walked slowly to the centre of the stage. A  pleased, he cared not what time he spent in the
round of applause, three dignified bows, and a task.  (Ten minutes exactly.)  Then winding up
short pause. In his usual grandiloquent style, he with a splendid peroration, he bowed himself off
thanked them for their presence on that evening, amidst thunders of applause. "There," said he to
in the name of their old favorite, Mrs. Bland, who  Mathews, who had just arrived at the wing, and was
was desirous of evincing her gratitude for their greeted with a hearty slap on the back,-" there,
heart-cheering generosity. He glanced at his watch, listen to that-now, my grumbler, go on and sing.
and to the wing; but as Mathews was not there, They are in a better humor than ever; my speech
he felt bound to proceed. He spoke of the uncer- against your song for next week's receipts."
tain tenure of an actor's prosperity, —many chances   In the old Drury Lane theatre, many of the
of dreadful vicissitudes,-no resource when faculties dressing-rooms were level with the landing beneath
fail. Another glance at watch and wing. He ad- the stage. During the representation of some piece,
verted to the extra talent he had the honor of wherein Dowton had to be lowered by means of a
offering to their notice that evening,-instanced  trap through the stage, his face being turned toMathews, who was the first on such occasions to  wards the audience, Elliston and De Camp, who
evince a promptitude truly praiseworthy. (" Curse  were concealed below, had provided themselves
him, he's not ready yet!") He then congratulated  with small rattan canes, and as their brother actor,
the audience upon seeing this popular comedian  who was playing a serious part, was slowly descendonce more on the boards of a theatre royal; hoped  ing to solemn music, they applied their sticks sharpthe arrangements of the evening were entirely to  ly and rapidly to the thinly-clad calves of his legs.
— i1!   —?_:- - -— __ —-   l                                         NO




WHIMSICALITIES OF ROBERT WILLIAM  ELLISTON.                          1113
Poor Dowton, whose duty it WSa to look as digni- niture was cased in cotton covers, which covers
fled and intrenchant as a ghost, smarting under the  were again involuted by divers sheets of brown
pain, could scarcely refrain the expression of it by  paper, resembling the pendant patterns in a tailor's
a positive screech, whilst he curveted with his shop. Every thing, according to him, was "to
heels, like a horse in Duncan's arena.  Choking  wear even;" if he pulled this bell-rope on the first
with rage, he was at length wholly let down, and  occasion, he would bear in mind to handle that on
being now completely out of sight of the audience, the second; every chair, tea-cup, and silver spoon,
he looked earnestly round to discover the base per- had its day of labor and relaxation; and had he
petrators of the violence. Elliston and his com- discovered that, by misadventure, he had worn a
panion had of course absconded-it was to decamp  pair of shoes or gray stockings out of turn, he would
with each of them; but at this moment Charles positively have lost his stomach.
Holland, dressed to the very finish of fashion, wor-   In his dressing-room, he was constantly attended
thy of Cibber himself, was crossing from one of by his two waiting-women; not that he actually rethe rooms. The enraged actor, mistaking his man, quired the services of both, but by such means the
and believing, by Holland's imperturbability of man- reputation of each was kept in a state of preservaner, he was in fact the real offender, seized a mop  tion; and, to conclude, whenever he retired to bed,
at that moment immersed in most unseemly water, he invariably crept up the foot of it, that his linen
and thrusting it in his face, utterly destroyed wig, might be without a wrinkle.
ruffles, point lace, and every particular of his ela-   It may not at once appear, how any sympathies
borate attire. In vain Holland protested his inno- could have existed between a Mlilesian like Elliston
cence, and implored for mercy —his cries only  and such a character as this; but Mr. Sims was by
whetted the appetite of the other's revenge, and  no means an ascetic: he was never as wise as
again and again the saturated mop was at work on  Ximenes, and not always as moderate as Fleury;
his finery. Somewhat appeased at last, Dowton  and in respect of his little indulgences, like the
quitted his victim; but in the mean time, the  country wench, he looked very much as though he
prompter's bell had announced the commencement had rather sin again than repent. And why not?
of the piece in which Holland was to have appeared. an extra glass of punch, or a visit prolonged to midWhat was to be done?  The drama was proceeding  night, constituted his excess; though once, indeed,
-Holland already called to the stage! All was con- he had been known to have so far mystified himself,
fusion thrice confounded.  An apology for "the as to toast a certain female of no extraordinary virsudden indisposition of AMr. Holland" was made, tue, in a tumbler of toddy.  He, however, confessed
and the public informed that De Camp had " kindly  he went for three days unshaved, from the above
undertaken to go on for the part!"             event, as he had not the assurance to look on himIn the vicinity of the Abbey Church, Bath, resid- self in the glass, after so peccant an action.
ed a Mr. Sims, an opulent woollen-draper-a man    Mr. Sims was fond of a play, and had some taste
of strict probity in all transactions of life-whose  for the drama. He had seen the best actors of
active benevolence and unassailable good humor, Garrick's day, and could talk critically on the gehad acquired to him the esteem of a wide circle of nius of "rare Ben Jonson."  Mr. Sims, therefore,
acquaintances.                                  became, with other Bath people, known to the EllisThis personage was a bachelor, and at this time  ton family.
about sixty-five years of age. His figure was tall,   Mrs. Elliston being absent for a few days on a
his step airy, his deportment the flower of polite- visit to Mrs. Collins, Elliston was consequently left
ness, and in disputes he was the very Atticus of  at Bath, en garqon. On one of his widowed afterparties. His dress was usually a suit of gray; and  noons, his knocker announced some visitor, and
his hair, of which there was a profusion, being per- Mr. Sims himself deferentially entered.
fectly white, whereunto a queue appended, gave    "My dear Mr. Elliston,' cried he, as he advanced,
him  somewhat of a Sir Joshua contour; though  with a step lighter than a roebuck, "have I indeed
perhaps he bore a nearer resemblance to the more  caught you?-this is charming!-and how well you
modern portrait of that precise merchant, as per- look!  Listen: I promised your excellent wife to
sonated by the late Mr. Terry, in Poole's admirable  have an eye on you during her absence, and so I
little comedy of "Simpson and Co."              will, for you positively must-must, I say, dine with
While he paid a marked deference to all men's me to-day."
opinions, he had a mistrust of his own, which was    "Dine with you, Mr. Sims?" exclaimed Elliston,
singularly curious. On a sudden torrent, for in- in a tone which must have been truly comic. "My
stance, which some people would denominate "cats good Mr. Sims    "
and dogs," he would merely apprehend that it rained;    "-    Nay, nay-I shall be downright riotous if
and if the house were as suddenly enveloped in flame, I hear any excuses. I absolutely must-must have
he would suggest the expediency of quitting the tene- you. In fact," continued he, making a leg, as he
ment. His respect for the other sex was so pro- advanced, and tapping the tip of his left fore-finger
found, as to keep in awful subjection every gentler with the corresponding extremity of the right,
impulse of the bosom-for he was far from a wo- "my dinner is already ordered-within one hour
man-hater; on the contrary, he could not honor will be served-see, with what little ceremony I
them too highly; but it was all honor.          treat you."
His "menage" consisted of a duplicate female    There was something irresistibly grotesque even
attendant, that is, two separate beings, but with  in the proposition; for though Mr. Sims was by no
brains under the same meridian, whose autumnal means a stranger in the house, yet the very suggestime of life, and counterpart in attire, rendered  tion of a tete-d-tete repast with the precise woollenthem perfectly homogeneous.                     draper, appeared one of those things which, alThe great characteristic of Mr. Sims was a pain- though clearly possible, had still never yet been
ful precision in all things. His hat always occupied  known to have transpired. As for instance, A man
the left peg in respect of his coat. His parlor fur- shall not marry his grandmother.




1114                WHIMSICALITIES OF ROBERT WILLIAM  ELLISTON.
"To-day! said you, worthy neighbor?" demand-   "Excellent!" cried Elliston. "Come, a glass of
ed Elliston, as he passed his hand thoughtfully  wine!"
across his forehead-" to-day-that is —this day    A second cover was now removed, and a shoulis    "                                         der of mutton, admirably dressed, was presented;':Thursday, I would suggest," interposed Sims, at the sight of which, Sims, clasping his hands in
most apologetically.                            token of renewed astonishment, exclaimed,
"Just so; and here comes my friend Quick, who    "A shoulder of mutton!-why, it is a shoulderreminds me of his promised visit. Dinner on table  the very dish I had ordered myself."
punctually at five —" continued Elliston, addressing    "Similar, similar," interposed Quick, laughingly;
himself to Quick, just as he entered-" not a minute  "a coincidence."
later;" which was of course the first notice the'Sims acknowledged the correction by one of the
other had had at all of the matter, while Elliston  blandest smiles in nature.
himself was quite aware he had not a solitary cutlet   "Coincidences are indeed extraordinary," obin the house.                                  served Elliston. "I remember in May, -99, the
"But-but —" interrupted Sims, with his fingers very day Seringapatam was taken, our sexton's wife
as before —" my humble fare is preparing-is nearly  was brought to bed of twins."
ready-"                                           " With great humility, my dear Mr. Elliston," ob"  ~ And will be excellent when eaten cold to- served Sims, "that may be a coincidence; but is it,
morrow," rejoined Elliston; "but to-day-to-day, think you, so very-very remarkable?"
Sims, you are my guest!"                         "Why, Hindostan does not yield us cities every
The draper having recovered from the shock  spring," replied Elliston, "nor are sexton's wives
which these words occasioned, was evidently as brought to bed of twins, as a matter ofcourse."
pleased as Punch at the proposition, though he    "And that both of these events should have haplooked on the affair as one of the maddest pranks pened on the same day, is at least extraordinary,"
ever yet attempted-quite a Camelford exploit of added Quick.
that day, or Waterford of the present; the chal-   "Say no more-say no more; I am completely
lenge, however, be accepted, but to no one's sur- answered," rejoined Sims.
prise more than his own.                          Here Elliston suggested another glass of wine all
" I will at least apprise my domestics," said Sims, round.
catching up his hat and cane, with the intention of    By this time a third cover was removed, and a
tripping off to his own abode; but Elliston, grasp- tart, very temptingly served, succeeded, which Eling his arm with considerable melodramatic effect, liston having commenced dividing, -Sims rose from
said, "Not so, friend Sims; this is a poini easier his chair, and extending his hands over the dismansettled; and our time is short. Take your own tled tourte de pommes, screamed out,
card, neighbor, and just inscribe in pencil,' remains    "An apple-pie, as I live!  Forgive me for swearto~day with Mr. Elliston,' and I will despatch it in- ing, but I gave special orders for an apple-pie my.
stantly."                                      self. Apple-apple, said I to Mrs. Green and Mrs.
The expedient was no sooner suggested than  Blowflower, and here it is!"
adopted, and Elliston, taking Mr. Sims's card, van-   " Yes, I'll give up Seringapatam after this!" said
ished instantly from the room, for the purpose al- Elliston, mysteriously; " but when fruit is in season
ready named, but secretly interpolated  certain  you know  -why, I'll be bound they have an appleother words to the protocol in question, so that tart next door."
it ran thus —"Mr. Sims remains to-day with Mr.   "Apples are unusually plentiful this year," obElliston, and begs that the dinner he had ordered, served Quick.
may be carefully delivered, just as prepared, to the   "Come, another glass of wine! It shall it least
bearer."                                        be no apple of discord."
This being achieved, Elliston returned to the    The repast was now drawing to a close, and Ellisapartment; and Quick being, by: this time, well as- ton, who had promised his guests a bottle of supesured some belle plaisanterie was in blossom, took  rior port wine, gave orders for its immediate intropart in the amicable contest of civil:things, till din- duction; but in the mean time, a half Stilton cheese,
ner was announced; and thus, within a quarter of in prime condition, was placed on the table.
an hour of five, the happy trio sat down toge-   We are told that a certain mar6chal of France
ther.                                           was always taken in convulsions at the sight of a
Bat no sooner was the first cover removed, than  sucking pig, that Tycho Brahe swooned at the very
Sims, with some little look of surprise, and great glimpse of a hare, and that the philosophic Bayle
show of satisfaction,; exclaimed-" A trout! Mr. was seized with sickness at the sound of water runElliston. Well, and I protest a very fine one! but ning from a cock; but the concentrated force of all
the fishmonger's a rogue, for he told me mine was these phenomena could scarcely have produced a
the only one in the market!"                   more electric shock, than the sudden appearance of
"Fishmongers do lie most infernally," observed the said Stilton cheese on the nerves of Mr. Sims.
Elliston; "'why, he told me the very same thing. Springing from his seat, as though stung by an
Come, a glass of wine! Had you been a married  adder, he gazed upon the dish before him in breathman now, this little annoyance had never reached  less stupefaction, and was no sooner restored to
you. Ah! you bachelors! - But peradventure you  strength of utterance, than he shrieked aloud,
are one who, in searching for female perfection, can    " A cheese! a cheese! —and, is it possible, a Stilonly find it in the wives of his friends."     ton cheese, too?"
Here Sims hid his face.                         "My good Sims   " interrupted Elliston.
"And then as to a nursery," interposed Quick,   "'Tis magic! magic!'  Excuse me for swear"your bachelor, by adoption, may pick and choose ing; but I —I, myself, my dear Mr. Elliston, have a
his heir; but if he marries, he must put up with  Stilton too!"
any booby that providence assigns him."           " And what more probable?"




THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS.                                  1115
"But the mould!-that fine blue mould!-and  far forgot himself as to remember a song, and by
all this marble tracing —'tis most positively the  ten o'clock there was not a happier gentleman of
same!"                                         threescore in the four parishes.
"Similar, similar," interposed Quick, a second    Mr. Sims being now sufficiently far gone-ripe as
time.                                           his own Stilton, for the purpose —Elliston gave di"Tell me," said Elliston, with an ineffable look  rections for a sedan chair to be in waiting, and colof wisdom, "where did you purchase your half lecting the crockery of the woollen-draper, which
Stilton?"                                      had lately graced the dinner-table, he placed the
"At Coxe's," was the reply.                   pyramnidal pile on a wooden tray, flanking the
" Then, upon my honor, the cheese before you  edifice by the four black bottles they had just
was bought at the same place. Why,'tis the other emptied.
half! and your fine blue mould and marble veining    All things being now in readiness, Mr. Sims,
must inevitably correspond to the minutest speck. much against his inclination, was assisted into the
The fact is, we have been lucky to-day in hitting  chair, and being secured therein, the tray and poreach other's taste. Come, the port!"           celain, borne on the head of a porter, like a board
This lucid judgment was acquiesced in by Sims, of black plumes in advance of a solemn hearse, led
with a smile of the most lavish admiration, and the  the procession to the Abbey Churchyard.  The
cloth being removed, the host began to push the body of Mr. Sims, dancing between the poles, came
bottle.                                         next in order, while Elliston and his friend, as chief
In vain have we collected all the fine things that mourners, brought up the rear. In this way they
transpired from this moment. The three friends reached the mausoleum of the illustrious departed,
were in considerable force, and the decanter circu- and having " made wet their eyes with penitential
lated as briskly as a hat in a mountebank's ring. tears," left the rites of sepulture to the care of Mrs.
As the wine sank, their spirits rose; Mr. Sims so  Green and Mrs. Blowflower.
THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS.
" — _  is a gentleman."
BY GEORGE RAYMOND.
I AM better to-day. How much so do I feel by a individual, my young friend confessed, much to his
visit from my friend Charles Bamfylde! His com- annoyance, that he had altogether forgotten it. He
panionable qualities minister to my spirit a tran- felt, however, assured, on relating the circumstance
sient reinvigoration, in which I ever find the bodily  at his family conclave, one and all of them would
frame participates. Charles is really a feature in  immediately remind him of it. On reaching home,
the drama of life, contributing little, perhaps, to  he described the pleasing apparition of his morning
the great business of the scene, which, mechanically, ramble, and, true enough, every circumstance so
would go on as well without him; but his charac- well recollected by-the son had been equally treaster bears with it an agreeable variety, by which, ured up by the worthy family circle; but on a dethough the world itself may not be materially bene- claration of his precise dilemma, his mother, with a
fited, yet I undoubtedly am. Though frequently a ludicrous look of embarrassment, observed, "' This
butt, he is always a hero; and in various instances is, indeed, very untoward, for Sophia and myself
his good-natured blundering begets him as much  are in the same predicament-we also haveforgotten
applause as though he were a positive wit. The  the gentleman's name!"
anecdote which he has just related, though not of   The family began now to find their situation bethe first order, even after his own way, occupies- coming not a little perplexed; and on the morrow,
still a page in the social adventures of my friend; as the hour of six p. m. was approaching, with that
and here it is:                                 rapidity which time usually chooses when he promIn the early part of the present week, he had  ises to bring evil along with him, the general unaccidentally encountered a certain acquaintance, a  easiness was by no means abated. Every project
gentleman with whom his father and himself had  was thought of which might be likely to unravel,
originally fallen in, during their short stay at some the distressing mystery. The alphabet was first
one of our large mercantile cities, and in whose  put into requisition;,4 Atkins, Batskins, Catskinspower it had been to confer on the Bamfylde family  Armstrong, Bachelor, Coxheath,"-all, all in vain.
much useful attention and considerable gratifica- "Brown, Jones, and Robinson," were equally of no
tion. This gentleman, though neither marvellously  avail, and each experiment was " a deed without a
intelligent himself, nor deeply skilled in the myste- name."
ries of science or commercial strife, was still known    Charles, however, stated a suggestion which
to others who were so; and by his means, there- might lead to their rescue, which was to lay a
fore, Mr. Bamfylde, and my favorite friend Charles, special mandate on the foot-boy, to give due em-.
passed a fortnight in the city of -., very much  phasis on announcing the name of each guest, at
to their satisfaction. Unexpectedly delighted was his introduction to the drawing-room; and this he
each at their occurrence in this place, Hastings, further enforced& by actually telling the lad the
and after a hearty shake of recognition, Charles necessity for it. This arrangement tended in some
invited his companion to a dinner for the following  degree to compose their minds, and they now only
day, at his father's house.                     awaited the arrival of their dinner-company. In due
When I say recognition, I mean thereby of face, time, the umber-clouded street-door shook again
lineaments, and person; but as to the name of the  by the operation of the first knocking. Breathless




1116                            THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS.
was the silence in the drawing-room, and "Mr. the deeply-imbedded word, by some coincidence or
Cincinnatus Wharton" was announced in so alti- other, would be rooted up and fully discovered.
sonant a key, as to challenge some slight suffusion  But no such thing-" Oh! no, we never mentioned
~into the countenance of the young gentleman, as him!" and dinner was served. The Prince, under
he made his way to the upper end of the apart- the delusion that the entertainment had been fixed
ment. But Cincinnatus Wharton was not the ma- for the special honor of his company, offered his
terial which composed the interest of the moment.' arm to his amiable hostess, and the rest of the genAgain were the panels startled; a second knocking  tlemen, with appropriation of partners, after a little
— a third, quick upon its heels.  " Colonel and Mrs. amicable contest as to precedence, followed in a rush
Lomnax!" —in they came. " Mr Pipkin!"-and in  towards the parlor; an act altogether as clumsy as
glided Mr. Pipkin. Mr. Pipkin passed through a ridiculous.
reduplication, and in a tone which might have en-   The stranger was placed on Mrs. Bamfylde's
titled the boy Davidson to no less an office than  right hand; those who followed dropped into their
that of toastmaster at Guildhall; but neither Pipkin  respective chairs. The unfolding of napkins, tinknor the Colonel was the man. By this time, the  ling of glasses, and collision of soup-plates, which
whole party, with the exception of the tardy Un- constitute the preliminary buzz of a dinner-party,
known, were arrived. The interest grew warmer. took the field; and matters appeared at least to
Like Fabius, the loiterer gained mightily by delay; commence tolerably well.
indeed, the family began to entertain great hopes    The Unconfessed had very gallantly taken on
that their friend might have been afflicted nowise  himself the severance of a Dover turbot, passing on
dissimilarly with themselves, and had either forgot- it the favor of his own especial admiration, when
ten his invitation altogether, or had been provi- Bamfylde, being desirous of making the polite apdentially detained elsewhere.  But another and  prehension that'"Mr. --     had gotten into a
final rattling at the panels proclaimed him here. troublesome corner," found himself painfully curBamfylde, his wife, Charles, and the fair Sophia, tailed of the bland address; for not being in posmoved in a family knot in the direction of the door, session of his name, the intended civility could not
making assurance doubly sure by catching the full be forthcoming. Yet it soon became necessary to
force of Davidson's announcement; when, whether say something, and directing, therefore, his voice
suddenly unmanned by this family array, or para- to the upper end of the table, and fixing his eye
lyzed by overwrought anxiety, which oftentimes steadfastly on his friend, said, "Shall I have the
o'erleaps itself, it would be as difficult as immate- honor of helping you, sir, from my ragouit?" but
rial to say, but in walked the substance of a man, unfortunately, not having caught even a glance in
to the phantom of a name!  Tongue-tied was the  return, no answer was the result. Conversation
bewildered  foot-boy, and        " stuck in his was, nevertheless, carried on, and the stranger,
throat!"  What was to be done? What could now  with an empressement peculiar to some people, was
be done?                                       whispering a common stock of small-talk into the
Fortunately, the fashion for general introductions ear of the lady; declaring the Madeira was of the
had fallen into disuse, and this was something. rarest quality in a confidential manner, worthy a
Yet what was to be done?  Some one present-  cause of a far softer interest.
Pipkin, for instance, so fond of going from place    Bamfylde now  made a second effort like the
to place, and being considered a great diner out-  former.
might possibly be acquainted with him, and so ac-    "A little wine, sir, after your trouble at the top
cost him by name; or it might turn out, if the  of the table?"  But Colonel Lomax, who, at that
Uindilcovered were but a bit of an egotist, he would  moment happened to look up, and who had hitherto
indulge in some narration of "himself and times," been completely lost in thought, or rather lost for
whereby his obnubilated patronymic might tran- the want of it, replied, "With great pleasure!"
spire to the fullest content.                   He thereupon chose his wine, stooped his head,
A thought, worth a jewel, suddenly invested  and raised his glass.
Charles. "Gentlemen not unfrequently have their   The great Ignote now decidedly took the lead at
names written in their hats; an initial will speak  table, and well satisfied with his single listener,
the rest; I'll go into the hall and find it. Or, per- Mr. Pipkin, by whose obsequious attention he was
adventure, he may have come in a great-coat, sufficiently compensated for the total absence of it
which, not very unlikely, may contain his card- in the rest of the company, he at length established
case-I'll pick his pocket!"  And away he ran out his exclusive privilege to every word that was utof the room, leaving his benighted parents to grope  tered.
their way as well as they could, until the announce-   Pipkin had a vague conjecture he had somement for dinner.                                where encountered his fellow-guest on a former
Nothing, however, could be found to give any  occasion-at some Toxophilite meeting or Fancyclue to this sphinx of a name. The hat disclosed  fair; but not having the courage to put the quesonly "water-proof," at the bottom, and a cloak, tion, the interesting fact was "smothered in surcontaining a pair of those most useful articles, mise."
goloshes, had been brought instead of a great-   As to the other division of the party, they had
coat.  "My usual and own peculiar luck!" men- but little interest in any names which did not affect
tally exclaimed Charles, when observing Davidson  their appetites, and had been perfectly content had
supporting the family tureen into the dining-parlor. " sherry" and " champagne " been the only words
"I can't tell how it was, sir," mournfully said the  uttered during the repast.
lad; "but, oh! sir! the gentleman's name!"        And now the Prince, bursting from the silken
In the mean while, the master of the house was trammels of his hostess, into which he had once
endeavoring to make light of the matter with the  more fallen, and having rendered Pipkin happy for
Prince of Darkness. He talked of London, of ac- the rest of the evening, addressed himself somequaintance, and past occurrences, hoping thereby  what abruptly to the master of the mansion, saying,




THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS.                                 1117
"I believe, Mr. Bamfvlde, you have a son who  native of the place-much respected-leaving a
has just sailed for India?"                    wife to deplore his loss, with six children, and
"Last month," was the reply; "my youngest-  another expected some time about quarter-day.
Percival."                                      Our host, in his narrative, was both animated and
"Yes, I remember," continued the former; "I impressive; painting the desolate condition of the
was at Liverpool about the time. By the bye, did  marine family of seven, in striking colors, and dehe not go out in a ship named after my family."   scribing the turbulence of the night in question
Poor Bamfylde staggered even in his chair, and  with the force of true eloquence. The Prince was
putting the wing of a pheasant, intended for the  duly invested with becoming pity —Cincinnatus was
Colonel's lady, into his own plate, which already  recalled from Dorsetshire-and the Colonel begged
contained a sufficient portion of omelette sucrie, pardon for being so rude.
stammered forth, "Ye —yes-he did so-he did    "A mother and six children!" exclaimed the
so."                                           _Nameless, "all desolate-fatherless-dear me! and
Here a most involuntary burst of laughter from  the widow expecting within a few weeks to-  dear
my young friend Charles, caused the company to  me!"
turn round, somewhat to the mortification of Pip-   "Just so," responded Bamfylde, " and it is morekin, who was never desirous of missing a joke. But over one of those melancholy facts by no means
Charles, having by no means the confusion of his uncommon here."
father before his eyes, announced to him in a meas-   "But has there been no assistance given-no subured whisper, "Then his name, after all, is Aga- scription raised for the helpless ones?" demanded
memnon!"                                       the other.
The illustrious Obscure, for an instant, was taken    " Oh! yes," was the reply; "a subscription was
rather aback, and with a certain fixed direction of immediately set on foot, and many have contributhe eyes, and indescribable extension of the nether ted."
lip, appeared to say, "Surely, I have uttered some-   " Then, my worthy friend Bamfylde," continued
thing mightily ridiculous!"                    his august visitor, thrusting his hand into his pocket,
But our host, resolving to acquire a lesson by  and pulling out two sovereigns, "may I request
this untoward contretemps, and say as little as pos- you will add my name to-morrow to the list already
sible for the future, did not even venture to raise -you know I am off early in the morning-and
his head; and, that he might have ample pretence  Heaven send them further comfort!"
for not doing so, betook himself to the pheasant   What was the "Agamemnon" dilemma to this!
and sweet sauce, unconscious of flavor and invol- Unhappy Bamfylde! he wished heartily he had
untary in mastication.                          been a companion in that identical boat, and perWith great precaution, things went on tolerably  ished too. With his friend's money already in his
well until the ladies were about to retire. Pipkin  hand, he was the very picture of despair.
was hastening to the door, when his wine-glass,   "Hadn't you rather-wouldn't it be better-" he
already too near the gros de Naples of Mrs. Lomax, was beginning; "but no, no," thought he,'"worse
acquired a totter by the general movement, which  and worse will follow-I'll hazard no more-disasplaced the contents at once in the lady's lap; and  ter comes upon disaster-and yet,'the worst rehaving, on his sudden recoil of horror, fixed him- mains behind!"'
self with no equivocal positiveness on the toe of   The great Obscure looking on all this as the sudhis other neighbor, Cincinnattrs Wharton, the con- den effect of his munificence, took up, therefore,
fusion which attended the attempt of a double apol- the general line of remark as his friend Bamfylde
ogy, rendered perhaps the unfortunate aggressor had left it, pouring in such a torrent of eloquence
quite as much an object of merriment as the suffer- on the great Christian duty of benevolence, that
ers of pity.                                    Pipkin modestly requested to be permitted a parAnd now our host, having but little desire for taker in the delight of doing good; and a third
the renewal of an attack in any wise similar to the  sovereign was thereupon added.
last, and entertaining about as much affection for   The cry of "Land! land!" at sea, after a long
his guest of the visor, as a scalded cat for a family  voyage, is a most heartfelt sound;. and so I appretea-kettle, instead of taking the post of honor just hend is that of "Reprieve!" within the narrow
vacated by his lady, remained where he was, at the  walls of a condemned cell; but I much question
lower end of the table, addressing himself wholly  whether, either of these could be a more welcome
to Mr. Wharton and the Colonel. But the former, hearing than " Coffee is waiting in the drawingwho had for some months past cast an eye of desire  room!" to our despairing master.
upon a certain schedule B borough, was far more   "Coffee is waiting!"  His countenance verily did
inclined to indulge his thoughts on his mistress brighten, and, springing on his feet with greater
aforesaid, though far away in Dorsetshire, and for eagerness to be gone than quite befitted the giver
the present in the embraces of a profligate anti- of a feast, exclaimed, " Come, a glass of Madeira
church-rater, than to listen to his host; and for the  round!" and thus firing his challenge into -the covev
latter, the Colonel, he appeared not only like his of his friends, he felt himself once again on shore.
entertainer, disposed to forget others, but likewise  The very transit from one place to another was a
himself, and had dropped off into a comfortable relief, and the whole party were presently restored
snooze for the remainder of the sitting.       to the drawing-room.
Poor Bamfylde, with that senseless courage which    With a little precaution, Bamfylde now calculated
fiequently distinguishes the coward, opened now  on getting through the residue of the night undiswith a volubility on the whole rank and file of the  turbed. Certainly he took extreme pains to avoid
party present, by pouring in anecdote after anec- his friend altogether, and, under the firm convicdote, and amongst them one of some interest; the  tion of tutus cavendo, occupied a corner in the room
facts having recently transpired on this immediate with the immovability of a plaster divinity.
coast. It was the loss of a poor fisherman at sea-    The clock indicated ten —coffee had passed away




4111 8                         THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS.'.-" chasse" had followed, and the Prince, with his   "Cannot you answer me?-what name did he
wonted impressement, had just concluded a sly an- give you?"
ecdote to Sophia, begging she would not divulge    "Why, sir, to say the truth, I didn't pay much
his name as authority for the scandal, when sundry  account to that, seeing he would be sure to know
vehicles were heard rolling up to the door. "Col- this here fly again, for he picked me out o' the
onel Lomax's carriage" was presently announced; whole lot. But here's my name, sir, and address
at the sound of which the Colonel suddenly shook too," continued the driver, pulling from his greathis head, as though the fibres of his nodding plume coat a pocket-book of small printed cards, " White
impeded his vision, and starting up, stood erect, as Lion Yard, sir, down by the bathing-rooms."
if about to undergo the ceremony of admeasure-   Ill-starred Bamfylde! He did not rave-no, he
ment. His placid lady languidly whispered she was past that; but putting his hand to his forewas ready; and while making her farewell, heard head trickling with rain, and stamping in bitter
many regrets thereupon expressed, which, if they  earnest at every step, forced his way again into the
possessed half the sincerity of Pipkin's delight, must house. The family-lad, who was still waiting in the
indeed have been highly flattering to the lady.  hall, as his disordered master entered, and seeing
Soon after this " division,"Cincinnatus Wharton, him turn distractedly into the dining-parlor, preof course, " quitted the house," leaving the honora- sented himself once more at the drawing-room enble member, "whose name we could not learn," trance.
in possession of the chair. The sublime Obscure   "Did you say my carriage was waiting?" he was
still lingered-a moration which failed not to raise again asked.
some misgivings with certain parties-with all, in   "Yes, sir," replied the man, with a slight exhifact, now remaining, except the supple and re-en- bition of doggedness. " Your carriage is waiting;
couraged Pipkin.                              but as to nlaster, sir, he appears to have been
But the dread Undiscovered, now suddenly jump- taken-"
ing up, and interrupting himself in the midst of an    " My father is subject to them," opportunely ininquiry respecting the publication of the list of do- terrupted Charles-" attacks of dizziness, which at
nations to the survivors, in the county "Mercury," times are absolutely alarming."
gently laid his hand on the bell-rope, and pulling it   "Not brought on by our meeting to-day?" was
at the time he spoke, demanded if he might be per- the hope of him whose name none could remember,
mitted to ask for the footman. The lad presently  and equally responded to by "Pipkin," which no
appeared; Bamfylde peeped from behind the dam- one could forget.
ask hangings of the window, and my friend Charles   After indulging in certain indications of departexhibited a coolness which would have become a ure, the Prince made his obeisance to the lady of
tactician of far graver years than his own.   the mansion, and smiling an "adieu" to Sophia,
"'Pray, does it rain?" demanded the Man of which again appeared to imply, "I'm sure you'll
Mystery.                                      think of me," he took his leave.
"Yes, sir, it pours."                         "'Tis all over at last!" exclaimed one of the
"Then you will be so good as to inquire if my family quartette, and each dropped with thankfulcarriage is at the door?"                    ness into a seat.
" Your carriage, sir?"                        Three minutes had not elapsed, when " e gro" If you please-'tis a wet night; but we have tesque malheureux," poor Bamfylde himself, entered
indeed been happy;" the latter part of which, being the apartment.
addressed to the fair Sophia, was also intended to' Heaven be praised! this day of'pleasure is at
imply, "I know you will think of me when I am  an end," cried he;'"and what a day has it been!
gone."                                        If there be gratitude in man, I am prepared to show
-" Your carriage!" repeated the attendant, look- it now."
ing towards the great Occult. "His carriage!"   But Charles and his sister laughed with the most
still continued he, turning in the direction of his joyous freedom.
master.                                         "Come, come! you make too much of this af"Idiot!" vociferated the enraged head of the fair," observed the mamma.
Bamfyldes, when, springing on his feet, he sprang    "Oh, no! I was upon thorns-writhing on stingalso to the door, and pushing the consterned serv- ing-nettles; I'm blistered from top to toe. And
ing-lad aside, plunged down the staircase, and pass- his money too-a couple of sovereigns!"
ing the hall, spite of wind and weather, rushed un-   Here again the party laughed aloud, and so
covered into the street. Sure enough, a hired hearty was the peal, that no one had heard the
carriage and driver were in attendance; on per- door abruptly opened, until the elder gentleman,
ceiving which, Bamfylde, in rapid accents, exclaim- turning about, to his horror discovered the Prince
ed —" Flyman, my man, my good man, harkye!-  of Darkness standing in the middle of the apartYou were ordered to be in waiting at this house by  ment!
a certain hour?"                                A faint scream burst from the ladies. Bamfylde
"Yes, sir-half-past ten; and I'm somewheres was once more a plaster divinity; while I verily
about my time," replied the man, deliberately draw- believe his son entertained the unfilial persuaing out his watch.                            sion of the present being the richest portion of the
"Good, good," proceeded the other, "punctual feast.
and right; but listen: what was the name of the    "Go on, go on!" murmured Bamfylde; "let him
gentleman for whom you were to inquire?"      proceed." And he buried his face between his hands.
"The name of the gentleman! —what, the gentle-   "I am here only for an instant," said the Undeman's name who bid me come?"                 parted, "with a request that my young friend, in
"Yes, yes, I tell you!"                    executing a slight commission for me to-morrow,
" A tall gentleman, you mean, sir: rather pock- will at the same time confer a considerable favor.'
marked,?"                                       But no comment being offered, he proceeded.




PICTORIAL HUMIOR.                                 1119
"In my stroll, yesterday, I accidentally went into I  "At an end?" interrupted his father. "Misery
a sale-room, just by, and could -not resist bidding  has no end. Children, my resolution is fixed. Tofor a very charming ormolu time-piece-the sub- morrow, early, I am resolved to discover this legate
ject, Bacchus and Ariadne-worthy Cellini himself. of Erebus, confess the whole, appeal to his human-'Twas knocked down to me, and is to be packed for ity-if the devil have one-create a proper trust
travelling, by the auctioneer. Every thing is paid; for the money in my hand, take a new assignment
but as I cannot conveniently carry it to-morrow  of Bacchus and Ariadne; nor will I refuse, on as-with me, I have taken the liberty of saying that surance of his forgiveness, to receive in bond every
you, my friend Charles, would receive it. May I molten deity in the Pagan mythology."
therefore beg you will do this, and see it properly    And the morrow did arrive. The clock had aladdressed, that I may find it safely delivered on ready struck eight, when Bamfylde prepared for
my return home from London? No, no! I'll not passing his threshold, with that artificial composit down again —'tis late-egad! I'd nearly forgot- sure which a man who is about to fight a duel flatten my errand. Now, don't stir! good night, and  ters himself is most exemplary courage. At this
farewell till we meet again! Happy dream, Miss moment, a loud single rap was heard at the yellow
Sophia!-adieu! adieu!" and again he left the room. entrance, and Davidson announced a waiter from
This second exit was by no means distinguished  the -  Hotel. Holding between the thumb and
like the first, by the eruption of merriment. Mat- finger of his right-hand a small oblong piece of
ters had at length become serious, and Sophia be- pasteboard, " The gentleman," said the messenger,
gan to apprehend that the joke might be carried  "who slept at our house last night, and dined here
too far with poor papa. Once more raising his yesterday, has left for London early this morning,
head, he appeared to question with the appalled  by the' Taglioni,' and desired me to bring you this
Macbeth, "Which of you have done this?" and  card, sir, hoping that you may have found yourself
throwing his eyes in the direction of the door, he better after a night's rest."
shuddered even by the fireside.                 Bamfylde, seizing the card and gazing an instant
"Have courage, sir," exclaimed Charles; "he is upon it with straining eye-balls, exclaimed, "MR.
gone whence he came; has scented the morning  JOHN PUZZLETHWAIT!"
air, and the ghost's furlough is at an end."
PICTORIAL HUMOR.
BY JOHN LEECH.
away in a- hurry. 




1120         THE JESTER'S SERMON.  AN EX-ALE-ATION, HOT AND COLD.
THE JESTER'S SERMON.
BY GEORGE W. THORNBURY.
THE jester shook his hood and bells, and leaped upon a chair,
The pages laughed, the womnen screamed, and tossed their scented hair;
The falcon whistled, stag-hounds baved, the lap-dog barked without,
The scullion dropped the pitcher brown, the cook railed at the lout;
The steward, counting out his gold, let pouch and money fall,
And why? because the jester rose to say grace in the hall!
The page played with the heron's plume, the steward with his chain,
The butler drummed upon the board, and laughed with might and main;
The grooms beat on their metal cans, and roared till they turned red,
But still the jester shut his eyes, and rolled his witty head;
And when they grew a little still, read half a yard of text,
And waving hand, struck on the desk, then frowned like one perplexed.
"Dear sinners all," the fool began, "man's life is but a jest,
"A dream, a shadow, bubble, air, a vapor at the best.
"In a thousand pounds of law I find not a single ounce of love:
" A blind man killed the parson's cow in shooting at the dove;
"The fool that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well;
"The wooer who can flatter most will bear away the belle.
"Let no man halloo he is safe till he is through the wood;
"He who will not when he may, must tarry when he should.
"He who laughs at crooked men should need walk very straight;
" O he who once has won a name may lie a-bed till eight,
" Make haste to purchase house and land, be very slow to wed;
~" True coral needs no painter's brush, nor need be daubed with red.
" The friar, preaching, cursed the thief (the pudding in his sleeve).
"To fish for sprats with golden hooks is foolish, by your leave" To travel well-an ass's ears, ape's face, hog's mouth, and ostrich legs.
"He does not care a pin for thieves who limps about and begs.
" Be always first man at a feast and last man at a fray;
" The short way round, in spite of all, is still the longest way.
"When the hungry curate licks the knife, there's not much for the clerk;
" When the pilot, turning pale and sick, looks up-the storm grows dark."
Then loud they laughed, the fat cook's tears ran down into the pan;
The steward shook, that he was forced to drop the brimming can;
And then again the women screamed, and every stag-hound bayedAnd why? because the motley fool so wise a sermon made!
AN EX-ALE-ATION, HOT AND  COLD.
A POOR poet, desirous of a cask of ale, sent the    The Brewer paid no attention to tho poet's refollowing epistle to the brewer:-               quest, who then sent him the following:Dvott, brewer of good ale,                    Hail! thou cause of aches and pains;
May thy custom never fail:                    Hail! destroyer of men's brains;'How I love that draught of thine!            Hail! thou origin of riot,
Clear as amber, rich as wine.                 Hail! thou fat and vulgar Dyott!
While I sip, it flows along                   A beast thyself, thou makest others
Sweetly o'er-my pleased tongue,               Look just like thy beastly brothers.
Making every trouble cease,                   Bodies are by thee enlarged,
Lulling soft my soul to peace.                Heads are palsied, stomachs charged.
Thy delicious beverage                        Pleurisies, asthmatic breath,
Makes a youth of crippled age;                Gout, and want, and sudden death,
Banishes all misery,                          Madness, fevers, misery
And sets the loaded bosom free.               Of every kind, arise from thee!
Let me whisper in thine ear-                 Drink, wicked wretch, thy poisonous ale,
Send me, friend, a cask of beer!              Drink till you burst, and go to h-.




GIDEON  OWEN; OR, TIMING A SHIPWRECK.                             1121
GIDEON  OWEN; OR, TIMING  A  SHIPWRECK.
BY W. H. HARRISON.,N\..,,,II,                   For a description of his person, as I
L-iLi[111 ji pitf I                   cannot hope, with my feeble pen, to rival
ST 1.~  p C     5         the pencil of Mr. Rowlandson, I must e'en
refer the reader to the illustration of this
A II     iil    C                   LALSS  tarticle.  Behold hlm plodding his way;. i!  lj)!t Iit!!!i]  LOB6~ ~through the street, regardless of every
~',J~'_1ifi i      i iexternal object, but in chuckling self-gra-.   ~-~(/:~    |',,~g[:i 111      I'           tulation on having completed some ad~'"'""~*"'',mtl —~ [ li~ [~.-' U!'  vantageous and overreaching bargain;'c ]    P~~~if"l  i                        observe the pleased, but unpleasing ex1T'    I ~IiILI~~ ~~~''       /      pression, so purely animal, of his counte-,1!:'1            /~1     nance; remark, too, his left hand clenched upon his bosom —a sinister attempt to
keep down the upbraidings of conscience;
Ii1                         V               or, perhaps, to guard his heart from the
IL          /t,1l'possibility of its being assailed by any of
those sympathies by which ordinary and,!     grovelling minds are sometimes turned
N"'   I ~~from their purposes. His vigilance was.~Mi X1 l~  91  ll/,  at once useless and misplaced; useless,
because his heart was as hard as a bricki~iI'i    ~bat, and misplaced, because, with him,
~inll: 1 1 111   l  E    the seat of feeling was the neck.
One of his latest commercial transactions was of so remarkable a character,
that I shall venture to conclude this
sketch by putting it upon record. Gideon
was, on a sudden, seized with a passion
for speculation to the East Indies, and,
accordingly, purchased a vessel, loaded
her to the very hatches, and, like a prudent man, insured ship and cargo to a
considerable amount.  It is true, there
were some trifling discrepancies between
the invoices and the shipments, but such
things will occur in the hurry of business,
and underwriters are not particular so
TAKING care of the main chance, I have else-  long as the ship stands A 1, and they get their
where attempted to define, the keeping one hand  premiums.
on your own pocket, and the other in your neigh-   Two months afterward., news arrived that the
bor's, a definition which, whatever it may want of vessel had foundered, to the great dismay of Gideon,
truth in its general application, was in exact accord- who alleged that he had insured too little, and of
ance with the practice and opinions of Gideon  the underwriters, who found that they had assured
Owen. He was one of those who, very -early in  too much. Some of them had taken heavy- lines
life, discovered the inconveniences attendant upon  upon the risk, and one man in particular, had venhaving a good character, a quality, he would ob- tured to an amount the exaction of which would
serve, in such universal request, that the possessor have left him and his family without a shilling in
is liable to be robbed of it at every turn. Nay, it the world, and Gideon, unluckily, was not slow in
was even an incumbrance to a man of his peculiar advancing his claim.  A meeting was appointed
genius, which, when relieved from the restraint, de- between Owen and the underwriters, at a coffeeveloped itself in a manner which promised to secure  house, for the purpose of discussing certain matters
him a distinguished place in that calendar which is connected with the loss, when his documents were
more remarkable for heroes than saints. He was produced, and found to be altogether unchangeable.
one of the honorable fraternity of British mer- One of the parties, however, ventured to express
chants, though like a true genius, he altogether re- a doubt as to the total loss of the vessel.
jected those common-place notions by which that   " Nay," exclaimed a voice from an adjoining box,
respectable body have the universal reputation of  " if it be the loss of the Hopewell, I can vouch for
being governed. The halter and the gibbet were that."
the line and rule by which Gideon was regulated in    "And pray," inquired one of the parties interhis dealings, and it is admitted that he was exact, ested, regarding the volunteer witness with no
to a nicety, in his measures. The accounts of a complacent look, "what makes you so knowing
man who trusted no one, and whom  none ever about the loss of the ship?"
thought of trusting, must, necessarily, have lain in    " The simple fact of my having had the pleasure
a nutshell; and it was Owen's boast that his pocket of being in her company at the time," rejoined the
was his counting-house, and his journal and ledger first speaker, a fashionably dressed young man,
a two-penny memorandum-book.                     with a very handsome but sunburt countenance,




1122                   GIDEON OWEN; OR, TIMING A SHIPWRECK.
rising, and leaning carelessly against the partition    "And the bales-what did they contain."
of the boxes, so as to confront the party, one of    "Oh! rags-principally rags, which I thought
whom, the individual who had at first addressed  also a very proper article of export from a country
him, took upon himself the office of spokesman, in which there appears a superfluity of the comand continued his interrogatories by saying, "Why  modity."
you were surely not one of the crew?"            "And do you imagine that the rest of the cargo
"No," answered the young gentleman, bowing  was of the like materials?"
in acknowledgment of the compliment intended,   "Can't say as to the materials, but, I apprehend,
" I was only a passenger, and so, when the Hopewell of pretty much the same value, for I remarked that
struck, the captain and crew took to the long boat, some of the inhabitants of the coast, who ran down
and, paradoxically enough, alleging that I did not to the wreck, at low water, to see if they could be
belong to the ship, left me in undisputed command  useful, returned empty-handed."
of her."                                          "And pray, sir," continued the querist, "is it
" And you were picked off from the wreck after- your opinion that the loss of the vessel was occa-wards, I presume?" said the querist.          sioned by the captain's bad management and igno"Within an ace of it, by a shot from a Dutch  rance of the coast?"
man-of-war, fired for no earthly reason that I could   "Oh no! I never saw any thing better managed
guess, except that I did not answer their first signal.' in my life, and nothing but a most intimate acquaint" You should have waved your handkerchief."    ance with the seas could have enabled him to run
"I should have been waved myself, then," was her upon the only rock which was to be found
the reply, "seeing that it was the only tie which  within ten leagues of the spot."
bound me to life and the main-top-mast, from which    " And do you think the captain and his crew got
it was not exactly convenient for me, just at that safely to land?"
time, to part company."                           "I have no reason to doubt it, for they chose a
"And pray, sir," continued the inquisitor, "how  fine day and a fair wind for the excursion. Besides,
many hours did you continue in that perilous situa- I saw the captain, six months after, at New York,
tion?"                                        in high feather, and living away, en prince, at one
"Upon my honor, sir, I am unable to answer of the principal hotels in the city."
-your question with any degree of precision, as I    "Indeed! that is somewhat extraordinary for a
committed my watch to the trusteeship of the deep, shipwrecked mariner: whence think you he derived
for the precious metals, however they may contrib- the means?"
ute to keep a man's head above water on the Royal   "I cannot, for the life of me, imagine; unless,
Exchange, have a marvellously anti-buoyant ten- by the way, it was from a huge pocket-book which
dency in the Atlantic. Besides, to let you into a I observed him to stow away carefully in his bosom,
secret, I had, at that particular juncture, a strong  about ten minutes before he made the notable eximpression that Time and I had very nearly done periment on the ship's bottom."
with each other."                                "He must have been somewhat. abashed at see"And may I inquire, then, by what miracle you ing you."
escaped?"                                        "Not a whit! he shook me cordially by the
"By no miracle at all, sir, but by simply waiting  hand, alluded frankly to the auspicious circumuntil the tide turned, when the vessel was left, high stances in which he had left me, apologized for the
and dry, upon the sand, and I took the opportunity  oversight, and concluded by asking me to dinner."
of stepping on shore."                            "And you immediately denounced him to the
" Upon my word," exclaimed another of the par- police."
ty, " you were in high Juck to have been able to    "Not I! for our brother Jonathan is much too
hold out so long."                             jealous a dry nurse of his adopted children to admit
"Luck, you call it?" replied the person ad- of any interference in their education; so I sat
dressed; " well, we will not cavil about terms; I down to a partie quarrie, consisting of the captain,
havetbeen accustomed to call it by another name  his chief mate, an under secretary, and myself, and
though."                                       we laughed immeasurably over the claret and the
"But, sir," interrupted the first interrogator, story of my escape."
"did the crew make no effort to save the cargo?"  "Upon my word, young gentleman," exclaimed
"Oh, yes! their exertions were wonderful, and  the other, gravely, "that is what we should call, in
their success complete-in saving themselves, which  England, compromising a felony."
-they seemed to consider the most valuable part of    "Very like it, I confess; but it was better than
it, and, as far as my observation went, they were compromising my safety, and I knew my nautical
about right, for, always excepting myself, there ap- friend too well not to feel assured that, if he had
peared to be little else in the ship worth caring  had the least suspicion of my attention to the cargo
for."                                          he left in my charge, he would scarcely have al"The goods then must have been wretchedly  lowed me to quit America without some testimopacked."                                        nial of his gratitude."
"Quite the contrary, I assure you; had they    During this dialogue, Gideon, who found the
been the crown jewels they could not have been  young gentleman so well informed on the subject
more beautifully cased: I had the curiosity to ex- under discussion, as to render any explanation from
amine a few of them while the tide was subsiding." himself superfluous, took an opportunity of with"And what, may I ask, were the contents?"   drawing, leaving the matter entirely in the hands
"Why the boxes, for the most part, contained  of the underwriters. The latter worthies held a
mineralogical specimens-chiefly of silex or flint, consultation, continued by three several adjournwhich appeared an appropriate article of exporta- ments, which ended, on the fourth day, in their
tion to a country whither we had already sent so  obtaining a warrant for Gideon's apprehension.
much steel."                                   He, however, having only his own safety to consult,




JONES AT THE BARBER'S SHOP.  INVITATION, ETC.                         1123
had availed himself of certain paper wings which  in good earnest, and found his way to New York,
he kept in his pocket-book, and had sailed from  in so wretched and dilapidated a condition, that his
Gravesend, with a fair wind, on his passage to join  old friend could not be prevailed on to believe he
the captain, just three days before the arrival of was the same person, and positively refused him
the officer in pursuit.                         assistance, alleging that it was a principle with him
He was overtaken, however, not by Mr. Laven- never to encourage impostors.
der, but by a storm, by which he was shipwrecked
JONES AT THE BARBER'S SHOP.
ANONYMOUS. FROM " PUNCH."
SCENE-A Barber's Shop. Barber's men engaged    OILY. Your hair is very dry, sir.
in cutting hair, making wigs, and other barberesque   JONES. Oh! indeed.
operations.                                       OILY. Our Vegetable Extract moistens it.
Enter JONES, meeting OILY the barber.        JONES. I like it dry.
OILY. But, sir, the hair when dry
JONES. I wish my hair cut.                    Turns quickly gray.
OILY. Pray, sir, take a seat.                  JONES. That color I prefer.
[OILY puts a chair for JONES, who sits. During
eOILY puts a chair for JONESt, who sits. DurONES  OILY. But hair, when gray, will rapidly fall off,
the following dialogue OILY continues cutting JONES'  d baldness will ensue.
And baldness will ensue.
haIr.                                             JONES. I would be bald.
OLYN. We've rad much wet, e ir.                 OILY. Perhaps you mean to say you'd like a wig.JONES. Very much, indeed.
We've wigs so natural they can't be told
OILY. And yet November's early days were fine. From real hair.
JONES. They were.                               JONES. Deception I detest.
OILY. I hoped fair weather might have lasted us
Until the end.                                    [Another pause ensues, during which OILY blows
JONES. At one time-so did I.                  down JONES'S neck, and relieves him from the linen
OILY. But we have had it very wet.            wrapper in which he has been enveloped during the
JONES. We have,                              process of hair-cutting.
[A pause of some ten minutes.   OILY. We've brushes, soaps, and scent, of every
OILY. I know not, sir, who cut your hair last time;  kind.
But this I say, sir, it was badly cut:            JONES. I see you have. (Pays 6d.) I think you'll
No doubt'twas in the country.                       find that right.
JONES. NO! in town!                            OILY. If there is nothing I can show you, sir.
OILY. Indeed! I should have fancied otherwise.   JONts. No; nothing. Yet-there may be someJONES.'Twas cut in town-and in this very room.     thing, too,
OILY. Amazement!-but I now remember well.  That you may show me.
We had an awkward, new provincial hand,           OILY. Name it, sir.
A fellow from the country. Sir, he did           JONES. The door.                  [Exit JONES.
More damage to my business in a week              OILY (to his man). That's a rum customer at any
Than all my skill can in a year repair.               rate.
He must have cut your hair.                     Had I cut him as short as he cut me,
JONES (looking at him). No —'twas yourself.   How little hair upon his head would be!
OILY. Myself!  Impossible! You must mistake. But if kind friends will all our pains requite,
JONES. I don't mistake —'twas you that cut my hair. We'll hope for better luck another night.
[A long pause, interrupted only by the clipping of          [Shop-bell rings and curtain falls.
the scissors.
AN INVITATION TO THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
BY A STUTTERING LOVER. ANON. FROM " PUNCH."'
I HAVE found out a gig-gig-gift for my fuf-fuf-fair,    But observe,'tis forbidden to pip-poke
I have found where the rattle-snakes bub-bub-     At the bub-bub-bear with your pip-pip-pink pipbreed;                                          pip-pip-pip-parasol!
Will you co-co-come, and I'll show you the bub-bubbear,                                    You shall see the huge elephant pip-pip-play,
And the lions and tit-tit-tigers at fuf-fuf-feed.  You shall gig-gig-gaze on the stit-stit-stately racoon;
I know where the co-co-cockatoo's song          And then did-dear, together we'll stray
Makes mum-mum-melody through the sweet-vale;   To the cage of the bub-bub-blue-faced bab-babWhere the mum-monkeys gig-gig-grin all the day        boon.
long
Or gracefully swing by the tit-tit-tail.     You wished (I r-r-remember it well,
And I lul-lul-loved you the m-m-more for the
You shall pip-play, dear, some did-did-delicate joke  wish)
With the bub-bub-bear on the tit-tit-top of his To witness the bub-bub-beautiful pip-pip-pelpip-pip-pip-pole;                              ican swallow the 1-1-ive little fuf-fuf-fish!




1124                                   ANONYMOUS.
ANONYMOUS.
FROM "PUNCHES: ALMANAC.
Of ANON, but little is known, though his works the collection. It would be found that frequently
are excessively numerous.  He has dabbled in  he had contradicted himself-that in many inevery thing. Prose and Poetry are alike familiar stances when he had been warmly upholding the
to his pen. One moment he will be up the highest Christian white of a question he had afterward
flights of philosophy, and the next he will be turned round, and maintained with equal warmth
down in some kitchen-garden of literature, culling the Pagan black of it. He might often be discovan Enormous Gooseberry, to present it to the ered on both sides of a truth, jumping boldly from
columns of some provincial newspaper.  His the right side over to the wrong, and flinging big
contributions are scattered wherever the English  stones at any one who dared to assail him in either
language is read. Open any volume of Miscellanies position.  Such double-sidedness would not be
at any place you will, and you are sure to fall upon  pretty, and yet we should be lenient to such inconsome choice little bit signed by'Anon.' What a sistencies.  With one who had written so many
mind his must have been! It took in every thing  thousand volumes, who had twirled his thoughts as
like a pawnbroker's shop. Nothing was too trifling  with a mop on every possible subject, how was it
for his grasp. Now he was hanging on to the trunk  possible to expect any thing like consistency? How
of an elephant, and explaining to you how it was was it likely that he could recollect every little
more elastic than a pair of India-rubber braces; atom out of the innumerable atoms his pen had
and next he would be constructing a suspension  heaped up?
bridge with a series of monkey's tails, tying them    Anon ought to have been rich, but he lived in
together as they do pocket-handkerchiefs in the  an age when piracy was the fashion, and when book-,
gallery of a theatre when they want to fish up a sellers walked about, as it were, like Indian chiefs,
bonnet that has fallen into the pit.          with the skulls of the authors they had slain hung
Anon is one of our greatest authors. If all the  round their necks. No wonder, therefore, that we
things ]hich are signed with Anon's name were know nothing of the wealth of Anon.  Doubtless
collected on rows of shelves, he would require a he died in a garret, like many other kindred spirits,
British Musuem all to himself.  And yet of this Death being the only score out of the many knockgreat man so little is known that we are not even  ing at his door that he could pay. But to his imacquainted with his Christian name. There is no  mortal credit let it be said he has filled more libracertificate of baptism, no mouldy tombstone, no  ries than the most generous patrons of literature.
musty washing-bill in the world on which we can  The volumes that formed the fuel of the barbarians'
hook the smallest line of speculation whether it was bonfire at Alexandria would be but a small bookJohn, or James, or Joshua, or Tom, or Dick, or stall by the side of the octavos, quartos, and duoBilly Anon. Shame that a man should write so decimos he has pyramidized on our book-shelves.
much, and yet be known so little. Oblivion uses | Look through any catalogue you will, and you will
its snuffers, sometimes, very unjustly. On second  find that a large proportion of the works in it have
thoughts, perhaps, it is as well that the works of been contributed by Anon. The only author who
Anon were not collected together. His reputation  can in the least compete with him in fecundity is
for consistency would not probably be increased by Ibid.
FINIS.




INDEX.
AM ERIC A N.
PAGE                                             PAGB
ADAMS, JOHN....         5    The Witness Box. Tale... 211
ARIoN..,.       8    A Stretcher.                    220
Attempt at Larceny....       22    Teetotalism.                              220
aLLSTON, WASHINGTON...       36    A Fighting Fowl. Anecdote of Crockett   224
After Dinner Eclogue...  57,A Cold Man and a Warm Rejoinder. 232
American Museum.                     79   rStates' Evidence..      239
Anne; or, the Graces. Epigram.           79    The Grandiloquent Captain.. 239
About Bachelors. Essay..      125    The Nymph Echo..             243
Algic Researches..                157    Comparisons are Odious... 243
Annals of Quodlibet. Political Satire.   181    Taxes..                           245
Anecdotes of Western Travel..         250    Clerical Wit..... 245
Anecdotes of Actors.                255-263;The Jew and the Ham.                      246
Behind the Scenes. Amateur Theatricals. One Man  Anecdotes of Western Travel.           250
in his Time Plays many Parts. An Accidental Ap-  Laconic Epistles from a Mother and Son   252
pearance. Manager in Distress. The Live Wax
Work. Genuine Appreciation of the Drama. Tom,   "More Tickleder nor I be".. 266
the Man at the Curtain. Pizarro; an Unrehearsed  Sharp on Both Sides.,.      285
Stage Effect. Curious Effect of Magnesia. New'Parody on the Declaration of Independence  292
Article of Merchandise. The Floating Theatre.
Boy Peter and the Preacher. Appreciation of a   The Joint Exertions of a Large Family.    299
Husband.                                        Quits, a Jury's Verdict... 304
An Alligator Story.... 328    A Religious Principle...      304
American Farmer in England..      331    Anecdotes of the Western Bar. 348
Alleghanies.                               3... 839    Disadvantage of the Use of Slang  357
Anecdotes of the Arkansas Bar..      347    Borrowing.. 434
Anecdotes of the Western Bar.         348    "The State is Drunk"...      452
Anecdotes of Travel... 352-357    The Nine Qualities of a Tailor. 452
Etna, Extras, Passports, Messina. Near Athens,    The Snake-Bitten Dutchman. Tale           459
Smyrna-The English Tourist.
dventures of Captain Priest. 407    A Resuscitated Joe, by a Philadelphian. 464
Arkansas Snipe.  Sporting Anecdote. 450        Peddling Eloquence                     466
Adam's First.Sleep. Epigram.             4      How to Sell a Clock..        469
ANONYMoUs-New England Annoyances. Songs  2    The Harp of a Thousand Strings —a HardYankee Doodle, original Song of.                  Shell Baptist Sermon... 47
Attempt at Larceny.                      22    Adam Laid Down and Slept..     478
Moreau's Mistake....       34
The Girl with the Gun, and the Man's Fright 68  BYLES, MATHER                                5
Anne; or, The Graces...       79  Battle of the Kegs. Poem.,        6
To a Bad Fiddler....  79  BELKNAP, Dr. JEREMY...  15
The Trials of a Schoolmaster.            101  BARLOW, JOEL....       19
The Trout, the Cat, and the Fox. Fable. 105  BRACKENRIDGE, H. H.                           23
Give the Devil his Due..            6 Better Walk than Ride.  Poem..       39
A True Story.. 115  Bracebridge Hall. Novel..         45
To John Bull. Song..             130  BLEECKER, ANTHONY...       53
Anecdote of Henry Clay.. 177  BRAINARD, J. G. C.                       56-57
Value of an Oath.                    184  BOSTON BARD....            - 63
Nationality. Anecdote. 189  BARKER, JAMES N..                     66
A Printer's Devil...             198  Buckwheat Cake. Poem.      70
A Chorister's Improvement... 198 BACHE, ANNE...                 72
The Nantucket Privateer..      208  BERNARD, JOHN.                              4 *  4
72




1126                                         INDEX.
PAGE                                              PAGE
BRYANT, WILLIAM CULLEN.                    85  Clearing a Stage. Sketch of Travel.      428
BENNETT, JAMES GORDON                        116  Creole Orphans.  Novel. 429
BIRD, ROBERT M.                             119  CORNING, Mrs. W. H...            440
BROWN, DAVID PAUL. 132, 449  Christmas in the Far West. 440
BURTON, WILLIAM E..    151,377  Conundrums...             443
BIDDLE, NICHOLAS.                    167  Cast-Off Garments...         478
Bogle, the Colored Waiter, Ode to.. 167
BRADBURY, COLONEL.                    178  Doctor Byles's Cat. Poem..       4
Bear Story.... 229  Deifications; or, Modern Love Letters. Poems  31
Burton's Gentleman's Mangazine               234  DENNIE, JOSEPH                                32
[Bully Boat and a Brag Captain.. 263  DRAKE, JOSEPH RODMAN...   43, 44
Bedott Papers...             267  Domestic Happiness. Poem..  44
BURNHAM, GEORGE P.... 272  Down-Easter. Novel...      78
Bill Dean, the Texan Ranger.             286  DUNLAP, WILLIAM.                 96
Bigelow Papers...         287  Determined to Run Away. Sketch.     119
BUTLER, WILLIAM A... 318, 478  Dydimus Dumps.  Character.  126
Barnum's Parnassus.... 318  DANA, RICHARD H., JR..                                  179
BURKE, T. A.                                 320  DARLEY, F. O. C., Designs by, 233, 245, 263, 375, 414
Beauty of American Women... 338  DURIVAGE, FRANCIS A...    265,267
Blackwater Chronicle...      339  Dog Days.  Poem...      296
BROWNE, J. Ross.... 352 qDoing a Sheriff.  Georgia Sketch. 320
BALDWIN, JOSEPII G.                          365  Disadvantage of the Use of Slang.      357
Breakfast in a Log Cabin.  Tale.. 389  DENISON, MAA..... 377
Biddy, Will ye have Me?  Tale..      406  Dionysius Desperate...     385
BENAULY,                                     418  DIxo, EDWARD H.. 406
BRIGGS, CHARLES F.                      423, 428  DERBY, G. H..444,446
Borrowing an Axe. A Lesson.. 434  Desperate Ragce. 447
Bench and the Bar, Wit of.. 449, 450  Dutchman who had the Small-Pox.     451
BRENT, HENRY J..... 465  Dow,.JUNIoR... 458
DOESTICKS, Q. K. PHILANDER..      460
Country Printer.  Poem..       28  DOTS,...... 465
Croaker Poems...                      43, 44
Ode to Impudence. Country Happiness. The Sur-   Eutopia.  Nvel.                               68
geon General's Report. To Edward Simpson.
Captain Copp and his Niece. Scene.               Eso  J., in Amerca                           105
COFFIN, ROBERT S...              63  Everpoint                                 00277
Club of the Humbugs. Tale.74  EVEETT, EDWARD.B.                 33
Cigar; Ode to my... 6
Cigar, Ode to my..fi.                 76ELLET, ELIZABETH F...                   321
Children, what are they?.6  Epigrams.                  9, 364, 388, 47
COX, WILLIAM...91, 93                z
Cox, WILLIAM..                 91, 93  Elegant Tom Dillar...     423
COOKE, GEORGE FREDERIC, at home.9   Elder Blunt and Sister Scrub. 4963
1     7                         ~~~~~~~~~~ExcerpBut        adste cu'    479
Camomile Tea. Poem...      132  Ecerpts                                      47
CLARK, WILLIS GAYLORD... 133
CLAY, HENRY, anecdote of..      177  Father Abbey's Will. Poem..   3
Charcoal Sketches... 192  Frogs of Windham, by Peters..       7
Choristers' Improvement..             198  Frogs of Windham, by Arion. Poem.    S
Cousin Sally Dilliard. Legal Sketch.. 205  FRANKLIN, BENJAMIN...      14
CARVER, JOHN...             217  Foresters, The. Tale...  15
Country Burial Places. Sketch. 217  FRENEAU, PHILIP...      28
Colonel Crockett. Anecdote. 224-319  FESSENDEN, THOMAS G...         35
Cypress....229  Fragment..                    45
Cold Man and Warm Rejoinder..      232  FLINT, MICAH P.                               57
CORCORAN, D.                                 233  FINN, HENRY J...                  62, 80
Comparisons are Odious...      243  First of May in New York...  63
Clerical Wit-an Impromptu.. 245  Frog Catcher.  Story...       80
Comet. Poem...                   217  FAY, THEODORE S....  83
Critic. Poem....         295  Fun from the Forecastle. Sketch.     179
Cold Water Man. Poem..      296  First Steamboat. Poem... 210
COOPER, JAMES FENIMORE.. 297  FROST, JOHN...             213
Carpet in.the Backwoods                      319  Fighting Fowl. Anecdote... 224
Captain M'Spaddon, an Irish Gentleman. 329  FRANK FORRESTER...     225
CLARKE of OXENFrORDE                         339  Fire Hunt.  Tale...         240
Chicken Thief of the Hudson.         350  Fastest Funeral on Record..     265
CLARK, LEWIS GAYLORD.... 356, 360  FIELD, J. M.                                277
CURTIS, G. W...                360  Fine Writing....            320
Cinderella Negrotyped..Colored Sketch       375  Fine Arkansas Gentleman.  Song.. 346
CARLETON, ROBERT. 389, 390  Flush Times of Alabama...      365
COZZENS, FREDERIC S..            411,415  FALCONDRIDGE... 447
Canal Boat., Sketch..      415  Forum.....     449
_Cone-Cut.Corners. Novel..         418  FROST, SARAH ANNIE.... 454




INDEX.                                        1127
PAGE                                            PAGE
GREEN, JOSEPH                                4  Job Fustick: or, The Dyers. Story of all Colors 122
GILMAN, DOCTOR SAMUEL.  39  JOHNSON, D. C., Designs by 82, 153, 156, 189, 196
GREENE, ALBERT G..                    64  JONES,. HAMILTON C.                 200, 202, 205
Girl with the Gun and the Man's Fright      68 Jones's Fight. A-Story of Kentucky. 200
Great Principle. Tale..             83  JANUARY, PHILIP B...           218
GREEN, ASA...                98 JONES, MAJOR, of Georgia..    240, 244
Give the Devil his Due..            106 Jew and the Ham.     249
GILMAN, CAROLINE.. 139 iA6hnny Beedle's Courtship. Tale.. 253
Great Charter Contest in Gotham            146  Joint Exertions of a Large Family.     299
Guilty, but Drunk. Anecdote.. 178
Georgia Theatrics. Gouging Story           191  KNIGHT, HENRY COGSWELL..       38, 39
Garden Theatricals. Charcoal Sketch. 192  Krout Club..             54
GOODRICH, S. G..                           206  KENNEDY, JOHN P... 181
Good Feed, Duly Defended.225  KIRKLAND, CAROLINE M.                         273
Genuine Hoosier. Sketch.            233 KENDALL, GEORGE W.. 286
Grandiloquent Captain... 239   ssing in the United States..     314
Georgian in New York..            244  KENNEDY, PENDLETON. 339
Gonello. Poem.                      293 Knick-Knacks from an Editor's Table    358, 360
Great Puddleford Lawsuit..     378   A Practical Joke-Sculpin. A Railroad RecusantGOODRICH, F. B.. 421       Acephalous. A New Definition-An Emergency.
Great Shakes of a Dog
GREELEY, HORACE..            435  KEESE; JOHN....     443
Golden Dagon.... 457  KELLEY, JONATHANF.                          447
GOULD; ROBERT HOWE..            467
Liberty Pole. Poem...      10
HOPKINSON, FRANCIS...   6  Laughing, Eulogy on. Poem..  35
Hasty Pudding. Poem.      19  Lunar Stanzas...      38
How to Receive a Challenge..         23  Little Red Riding Hood. Poem..  66
HALLECK, FITZGREENE..          44, 45  Lines on a'Newly-opened Oyster.            95
History of the American Theatre..  96  LESLIE, ELIZA...        135
HALL, JAMES.                           107  Little Frenchman and his Water Lots. Tale   152
Hawks of Hawk-Hollow. Novel.. 119  Lazy Crow. Tale. 169
HAWTHORNE, NATHANIEL...     141  Laudable Thirst for Knowledge.     189
]ILL, GEORGE HI..... 180  LONGSTREET, A. B.                       190, 191
HARWOOD, A. A.                             185  Laconic Epistles.                          252
Hoosier and the Salt Pile. Tale. 197  Love in the Bowery. Parody. 267
HALL, WILLIAM...     219  Locke Amsden. Novel.     283
HERBERT, HEIVRY WILLIAM... 225  LOWELL, JAMEs RUSSELL.. 287
HAWES, WILLIAM P.                          229  LAMAR, JOHN B.                              289
HOFFMAN, CHARLES FENNO... 235  LANE, T. W..... 305
HOLMES, OLIVER WENDELL, 269,271  Lawyer, On an Ill-read...     388
He wanted to see the Animal.. 272 LELAND, CHARLES G...    397, 400
"Hung" Jury. Legal Anecdote.     277  Livingin the Country...     411
Humbuggihg a Tourist... 278  Letter to an Absent Wife... 415
Hampshire Gazette.                   308  Letter to an Absent Husband..     415
HOOPER, JOHNSON J..          325, 328, 329, 371  Lightning-Rod Man. Tale.. 432;Hoosier in-Search of Justice. Tale.. 372  LELAND, HENRY P....450, 451
HINCKLEY, J. C.                            385  LEVISON, W. H.                              453
HALL, B. R.                            389, 390  Literature of Mirth. Essay                 479
Harry Gringo's Tales for the Marines. 392
Hour in the Crystal Palace in Paris.     421  Maypole of Mdrry-Moin t..    1
HUNTER, FANNY... 440  MORTON, THOMAS...              1
HANNIBAL, PROFESSOR.                    453  Maypole, Song of the...   2
How to Sell a Clock. Tale... 469  Modern Chivalry. Novel..      23
HALL, A. OAKEY..            475  Moreau's Mistike...  34
Harp of a Thousand Strings. Sermon. 476  MITCHILL, DOCTOR SAMUEL LATHAM                54
Merry Tales of the Wise Men of Gotham.  59
Indian Devils. Anecdote..      14  Mosquito. Poem...      85
Independence Day. Poem...  30  Major Egerton. Tale...  86
Impudence, Ode to...      43  MELLEN, GRENVILLE..     122
IRVING, WASHINGTON...      45, 49  Married Man's Reverie.. 131
INMAN, JOHN...    131  Mr. Higginbotham's Catastrophe. Tale.                    141
INGRAHAM, J. P.. 165  MATHEWS, CORNELIUS... 146
In Favor of the Hog. Jury's Verdict.     371  Motley Book...            146
Illustrated Newspapers... 444  MORRIS, GEORGEP.                         152, 154
Monopoly and the People's Line. Sketch. 154
Jests of Mather Byles-...       4  My First Punch. Tale...     161
Jack and Gill. Mock Criticism..  32 Mess-Table Chat... 185
John Bull..                    49  Mercury Freezing...     189
Jungfrau Spaiger's Apostrophe to her Cat.       Mother and her Child... 190
Poem.....53 MARBLE, DANFORTH...     197




1128                                        INDEX.
PAGE                                            PAGE
Militia Training. Tale... 213  PAULDING, J. K...                 44-59
Man in the Swamp...      218  PAYNE, JOHN HOWARD                          55
Mike Hooter's Bar Story. Yazoo Sketch. 219  Printer's Hour of Peace. Parody.       63
My Shooting Box..            225  PICKERING, HENRY...         70
My First Visit to Portland... 231  Patch, Sam, Monody on the late..      73
My First Call in the Swamp. Tale.     246  Peter Funk, History of...  98
M'CLINTOCK, J. W.. 253  Perils of Pearl Street. Novel..      98
More Tickleder nor I be.                   266  Pete Featherton. Tale. 107
Modest Request. Poem... 269  Paris, Sketches of                          150
Madmen All. Comedy...     278  Paup-Puk-Keewis. Indian Legend. 157
MITCHELL, DONALD G.... 309  Pictorial Humor.... 189, 299
My Little Daughter's Shoes. Poem.     315  Printer's Devil. Metrical Joke. 198
Manager and the Nightingale. Ballad        318  PIERPONT, JOHN                               199
Miss Albina McLush...     335  PETER PARLEY. 206
Mrs. Passable Trott..               337  Peddler. Chapter from an Unpublished RoM'CONNELL, J. L... 341,344       mance...            206
My First Appearance at the Bar.. 365   OE, EDGAR A.... 209
Master's House. Novel...  375   hiladelphia Pungent (Judge Peters).     234
My Day of Tribulation. Tale. 400  Prairie Jumbie. Tale. 235
May-Flower, The....     415  PAULDING, WILLIAM IRVING..     278
Millerite Ascension,.... 418  Pictorial Bookkeeping. 283
MELVILLE, HERMAN..     432 1Polly Peablossom's Wedding. Tale.       289
Money Goes, No One Knows..        443  Parody on Declaration of Independence. 292
Mrs. Daffodil at the Theatre..     454  Parson and the Widow. Poem..     308
My First Ride on an Elephant. 457  Pee-Wi Ho-Ki, the Tahitian Cannibal. 333
My Luck! Character Sketch..     467  Peddler. Sketch...        341
Mosquitoes....     475  PIKE, ALBERT...    346, 347
Manhattaner in New Orleans..     475  Potiphar Papers                              360
Piano in Arkansas. Sketch.. 373
Puddleford an'd its People. Novel.     378
New England's Annoyances. Song                2  Partington, Mrs., Extracts from.    383-385
NACK, JAMES.....  65   Fancy Diseases. Partington Philosophy.  "Fare
NEAL, JOHN....      78      Ma'am."  Poets and Pullets. Mrs. Partington's
NOTT, HENRY JUNIUS.. 101      Idea of Humor. Bailed Out. Seeking a Comet.
On One String. Good Taste. Political ExtravaNovelties of a Traveller..              101      gance Rebuked.
Night of Peril. Tale...       113  Piazza Tales...            429
NOAH, M. M.                                125  PEACOCK, DR. JAMES S...        432
Negro Domestics. Sketch... 139  Pumpkin Pie, Lines on Receipt of a. 443
Nationality. Yankee Anecdote.     189  Phoenix's Pictorial...     444
NEAL, JOSEPH.C...               192  PALMER, DR. J. W....        457
NantucketPrivateer. Anecdote of the War  208  PAIGE, J...            458
Nymph Echo..                               243  Pluribustah, Extracts from... 460
Nouvellettes of the Musicians.. 321  Peddling Eloquence                          466
New Purchase. Novel... 389, 390  PRENTICE, GEORGE D.,.. 479
Negro Philosophy. Fish Story.  429
Nine Qualities.of a Tailor..     452  QUINCE, PETER                                 31
Nothing to Wear.. Poem. 478  Quilting.  Poem...  72,~d~rime~  Song                        Quharter Race in Kentucky..      202
Old Grimes. Song...      64  Quits, a Jury's Verdict..     304
Old Clock. Poem....  65
Oysters, Reverie about.                 93  RANDOLPH, JOHN.                             30
Ollapodiana Papers, Extra'cts from.. 133  Robber. Poem...         56
OSBORNE, LAUGHTON...     208  Results of Phrenology...      59
Over a Cigar..... 309  Retrospection of the Stage...  74
Lighted with a Coal.                         Recollections of a Southern Matron.     139
Lighted.with a Wisp of Paper.               Romafice of Broadway                        166
Lighted with a Match.                        Romance of Broadway                         166
OLMSTlAD, FREDERIC LAW... 33   Rollicking Dragoon Officer. Character.     218
Our New Livery and Other Things.     340  ROBB, JOH  S.                           221-223
Oregoni Lay. By a Surviving Sufferer. 446 \eminiscence of the Land Fever.          273
Odds and Ends....     456  Religious Principle in a Nigger.304
Hearers Weighed. Stable Moralizings. New Strata.    Reveries of a Bachelor... 309
A Paying Religion.                           Reminiscence of the Old Park Theatre. 37'
RILEY,' H. H.;.... 379
PUTNAM'S (Colonel) Indian' Story..   5  Resuscitat6d Joe, by a Philadelphian.   464
PETERS, DR. SAMUEL...       7
Providence Gazette....   8  SECCOMB, JOHN....   3
Paper. Poem...      14 STORY, ISAAC....      31
Pig's Tail, Anacreontfc to a..  31 SEWALL, JONATHAN MITCHEL...  35
Paint King. Poem.                           36  Spavined Sapphics. Poem.             39
Postures, Essay on....  39 i Surgeon-General's Report, Abstract of. Poem   44




INDEX.                                        1129
PAGE                                             PAGE
Simpson Edward, Address to. Poem.  44  To a Friend. Poem..            199
Stout Gentleman. Tale...      45 Tale of Jerusalem...                209
Sketch Book. Novel..         49 Teetotalism...                  220
Sharp-witted Shaver. Anecdote..            64 THOMPSON, W. T..                        240-244
SANDS, ROBERT C.                            73 Taxes, A Thought in Rhyme..     245
SPRAGUE, CHARLES..             76  TENSAS, MADISON... 246
Steam. A Dream                              91  Theatrical Apprenticeship and Journeywork 255-263
Singularity; Odds and Ends from the Knap-       Tim Crane and the Widow..     267
sack of Thomas...     101  THOMPSON, DANIEL PIERCE... 283
STONE, WILLIAM L.. 113  That Gentleman. Adventure..     300
SMITH, RICHARD PENN.            126 Thimble Game. Tale.. 305
Serenades. Tale... 135  THORPE, T. B.                                   372, 373, 375
SANDERSON, JOHN.                           150  TINTO, DICK... 421
Sketches of Paris... 150  Two Days at Clichy...     435
SCHOOLCRAFT, H. ROWE..     157  "The State is Drunk"... 452
SIMS, W. GILMORE. 169  THOMSON, MORTIMER M..                      460
Suspension of Specie Payments. Satire      181  TAYLOR, MAY.. 462
SIGOURNEY, MRS.... 210  Tales and Takings...     463
Sketches of New England..     217 
Stretcher....         220  Up the River. 350
SOLITAIRE...221, 223  Ugly Person Sitting for a Daguerreotype                  388
Standing Candidate. Character              221  Uncle Jake's Story (The South Bend Bear.
Swallowing an Oyster Alive. Sketch.     223       Hunt)..                         465
SMITH, SEBA.. 231
States' Evidence. Anecdote.            239  VERPLANCK, GULIAN C...                   86
Sketches of Travel.                      244  a~iueof an Oath. Anecdote..     184
SOL S.MITIt. 255-265  Village Ale House. Sketch.. 331
Sharp'on Both Sides. A Cohversation        285  Valets-de-Place of Munich                   397
SARGENT, EPES. 293-295  Vegetable Girl.'Poem. 462
SAxE, JO~iN G..  296, 297, 364, 388
Socialism; a Scene fiom a Comedy. 297  NVEBSTER, DANIEL.                    63
Shaking Hands.'Essay'.......303- Western Lawyer's Plea against the Fact. 124
SPRAGrUE, CHiRLES JAMES..      315 31 oman. Apologue...     208
Sailor's Ethics...                  332.Witness Box. Tale'.. 211
STAHLI..                             333 WHICHER, FRANCES M....     267
Schoolmis'tress.  Character..     344 Western Gleanings.... 273
SHELTON, F. W.'.. 350  WHITTIER; JOHN G...            315
SHILLABEER, B.P..     383  Widow Rugby's Husband. Tale. 325
Saturday Night at Sea... 392 WHARTON, G. M..                             333
Sketch Book of Meister Karl..     397  WILLIS, NATHANIEL P..      335, 337, 338
Street Sofig of MUnich... 400  Western Characters... 341-344
STIPfrENS, A1tNE S.                        400  Whatis a Boy?.. 377
Scenes inthe Prabtice of a New York Surgeon  406 What Not. Novel...     377
Sparrfwgrass' Papers... 411  Wedding Dinner... 390
STOWE, HARRIET BEECHER..     415  WISE, H. A....     392
SQUIBbB.    444-446  Waifs and Strays...     407-409
Sermon, Short Patent                       458   Long Island Philosophically Considered. The Irish
~Snak~~ermoBi~n,  458.n.Hungarian. The Wrong Bell.  A Legend of Wall
Snake-Bitten Dutchman. Tale.. 459      Street.
Western Border Life.                      440
TRUMBULL, JOHN..      10 WATSON, REv. j. V.                           463
TYLER, ROYAL.  30  WHIPPLE, EDWIN P.... 479
Tabitha Towzer. Poem -..      35
Two Comets.' Poem....  56 Yankee Doodle, Original Song of.       5
To a Bad'Fiddler....      79  Yankee Peddler. Character Sketch..  78
Trials of a Schoolmaster... 100 Yankee Card Table...      180
Trout, the Cat, and the Fox; Fable.    105 Yankee Recruit. Poem... 281
True Story.... 115  Yankee Zincali.315
Two Yards of Jaconat. Talc..     116 Young Tragedian.  Tale... 321
To John Bull. Song... 130 Yusef; a Book of Travels                      352




INDEX.
I RI S H.
PAGE                                            PAGE
ANo mors —'addiana.  Essay.. 485,parrow, Counsellor...         515
Too Saving by Half...      496  Gridiron. Tale..                   535
Irish Mermaids. Song.. 502  GRATTAN, T. COLLEY... 584
One of the Boys..      519
A Pertinent Answer.. 534  Hedge School..                   497
No, Thank You...      537  Handy Andy, Character of..     538
One at a Time.... 537  HALL, S. C....       562, 565
A Magnificent Peroration..      550  Half-a-Dozen Bulls... 571
A Stage Coach Story... 551  HILL, BENSON E....             78
A Hard-Headed Bull..,      557  Highways and Byways.. 584
A Grave Bull.... 557  How to make Love for a Friend.      593
Love of Flattery...     561  HENNESSY, T.... 602
Half-a-Dozen Bulls...     571
Ensign O'Donoghue's First Love.     574  Irish Mermaids. Song..            502
Darby Doyle's Voyage to Quebec. 580  Insurance and Assurance. Tale., 504
Irish Diamonds.               599  Irish Luck. Tale..            565
Irish Tit for English Tat... 605  Irish Highwayman. Anecdote..       578
Irish Priest in Flanders.,            584
BARRINGTON, SIR JONAH...      489  Irish Diamonds..                5. 99
Bishop's Island. Tale... 509  Irish Race. Sporting Sketch..     602
BROUGH, ROBERT B.                          516 Irish Tit for English Tat... 605
Bits of Blarney..         523 Irish Bulls, Essay on...     606
BROUGHAM, JOHN...       53
Bulls, 485, 496, 537, 550, 557, 571, 599, 606, 607, 608  L'ESTRANGE, JOHN..       521
Beggars in Ireland. Sketch... 562  LOVER, SAMUEL...   585, 538, 542
Lakes of Killarney.... 558
CARLETON, W. H., 497, 500  Love of Flattery.... 561
CROLY, GEORGE. 528 LEVER, CHARLES...         593
COYNE, J. STIRLING                         572 Legends of Killarney...     600
Confessions of Harry Lorrequer.. 593
CROKER, T. CROFTON...      600  M'AGINN, WILLIAM,...    490, 496
Marylebone Lyrics..         508
Darby Doyle's Voyage to Quebec.. 580  Making a Name. Tale.         510
MOORE, THOMAS.             515, 579, 590, 592
Epigrams..     488, 515, 579, 592  MACKENZIE, R. SHELTON. ~       523
Expedition of Major Ap Owen.. 558  Married Actress. Tale...         528
Ensign O'Donoghue's First Love..      574 Magnificent Peroration..         550
EDGEWORTH, MARIA..                       606 MAXWELL, W. H........       59
Miss Biddy's Epistles.... 590
Father O'Leary. Sketch...     489
Father Prout, History of.               523 Ned M'Keown. Tale..            500
Fudge Family in Paris...      590 No, Thank You...         537
Father Thady Holen. 600 Ned Geraghty's Luck. Tale.               553
GRIFFIN, GERALD..508,509  One of the Boys. Reminiscence.. 519
Graham (Mr.) to Miss Dawson in the Clouds   508  One at a Time..                   537




INDEX.                                      1131
PAGE                                           PAGE
Paddiana. Essay. 485  St. Patrick. Song...    496
Personal Sketches of My Own Times,    489  SULIVAN, ROBERT.... 504
Paddy Shannon, the Bugler.. 519  SHERIDAN, LOUISA H...    510
Pertinent Answer to an Impertinent Question  534 Sermon by Father Prout.., 526
Paddy Mullowney's Travels..        535  Stage Coach Story                         551
Paddy the Piper. Tale.                  542 Sketches on Irish Highways... 562
POWER, TYRONE... 545
Pattygoney and Other Matters..     545 Too Saving by Half...     496
PLUNKETT, HARRY GRATTAN..    568 Traits and Stories of the Irish Peasantry  497, 500
Pookah. Poem....     568 Tom Houlagha4's Guardian Sprite.     520
Potato Can. Sketch.           572 Tales of the Great Bernard... 528
True though Tough Yarn,.     545
Rabbinical Origin of Women..     592
Upon being Obliged to Leave a Pleasant Party 579
Scraps and Sketches of Irish Life. 485
Smart Retort. Epigram.                   488 Vulture. Parody... 516
Story Without a Tale..         490




INDEX.
SCOTCH.
PAGE                                            PAGE
ANoNYMous-More than a Providential Escape 617  Love is Like a Dizziness. Song.. 617
A Witty Reply.... 617  LAIRD OF LOGAN...     623
A Highland Cabinetmaker..     617  Love at Sight...            623
A Desideratum...         617 Lame Pig. Tale....     633
The Lame Pig. Story...     633  Legal Pedant Nonplussed... 638
A Legal Pedant Nonplussed.. 638  Last Debt...         639
The Last Debt....     639  Liberal Offer..... 652
Rab's Dream.                      652
Obedient Wives...     652  More than a Providential Escape.           617
A Liberal Offer.         652  MILLER, WILLIAM.... 618
Epitaph....     659  MOIR, DAVID MACBETH...     625
Mansie Wauch the Tailor, Life of.. 625
An Audible Witness. Tale... 624  Migrations of a Solan Goose. Tale.     636
Ass Turned Gentleman. Tale..     629  My Wife's Cousin. Ballad..        641
AYTOUN, W. E....    640, 641
NORTH, CHRISTOPHER...     653
BON GUALTIER. 640, 641
Obedient Wives...        652
Cockie-Leerie-La. Song... 618
Cheaterie Packman.  Tale..     619  PICKEN, ANDREW.                   644
CARRICK, JOHN DONALD              621, 623, 639
Catching a Tartar. Unpublished Chapter     625  RITCHIE, LEITC.... 619
CORBET, MISS.                             636  RODGERS, ALEXANDER.                     629
Cook's Legacy. Parody...     639  REACH, ANGUS B..... 630
CAMPBELL, THO MAS...         642  Rab's Dream....     652
Changeable Charlie. Tale..     644
Cobbler. Tale.... 647  Seeking the Houdy. Tale. 613
SCOTT, SIR WALTER... 617, 649
Desideratum...     617  Scottish Tea-Party. Song... 621
DELTA.. 625  School for Scamps. Comedy..     360
Student of Jena. Ballad                    640
ETTRICK SHEPHERD... 613, 617  Search after Happiness.  Poem..     649
Epitaph on Malcolm Dourie... 659  SCOTT, MICHAEL.... 660
Slippery Youth...            665
Friars of Dijon. Poem...     642
Tom Cringle's Log. Novel.. 660
Good Excuse for a Bad Hat... 623
Usual Apology...     623
HOGG, JAMES...        613, 617
Highland Cabinetmaker..     617  Witty Reply..                      617
HENDERSON, ANDREW..            624  Wonderfu' Wean. Song.     618
WHITELAW, A.                           647
Kitchiner, Doctor. Review in Four Courses,  653  WILSON, JOHN...     653




INDEX.
EN G L I S IH.
PAGE  PAGE
ANoNYMors-Libellers..         688    The Proverbs of Solomon  Levi, Esq.,
The First Floor Lodger..      697         Attorney.                          1044
The World as it is. Tale...  712    Did You Ever..            1045
A Chapter on Old Coats..      724    An Ingenious Defence..    1051
A Blind Story....  730    Quid Pro Quo.... 1051
Hammering it in...      731    A College Lay...     1060
Bon Mots.....  741    The Interrupted Duel.. 1075
Hints to Archers...      742    Young Hearts and Old Hearts              1087
The Defeated Duellist.747    A Persian's Paradise... 1096
How I went up -the Jung-frau, and came           An Old Soldier..            1096
down again..             748    High Life in the.Tap-Room. 1099
Cool....  765    A Rebus....     1101
Logic...                    765    Death's Injunction... 1101
The Lottery Ticket. Tale..  766    An Ex-ale-ation; or, Hot and Cold.    1120
Oxford Jokes.                           769    Jones at the Barber's Shop. 1123
Boxiana.....  781    An Invitation to the Zoological Gardens    1123
Neighbor Nelly...      784    Anonymous.... 1124
Respectability....  798
Village Choristers...      827  Advice to Jokers..             692
Errors of the Press..          831  Adventures of Hajji Baba...  792
The Battle of the Yatches..      832  Arethusa. Novel..             902
The Long Cane....  832  A'BECKETT, GILBERT ABBOTT.      945, 946
The Fair Retort..             832  Anti-Punster....    1011
Old Friends with New Faces..  835  Abernethyana.... 1034
The Stranger I met at my Club.      839  APPERLEY, CHARLES J...    1041
Some Recollections of Grimaldi..  865  Authors and their Dietetics.               1061
A Fool's Answer...      880  Anecdotes of James Smith, 1067, 1068, 1069, 1070
Useful Hint                              880   The Rejected Addresses. Close Escape. Top and
A-Bits...                    888      Bottom. Unfair Advantage. Temperance Cruets.
~Bit s.....    888                  The Gouty Shoe. The Blood. James Smith and
An Overcharge...         910      Justice Holroyd. The Two Smiths.
John Kemble's Ruffle..         919  Adam Brown. Novel...      1071
The Universal Philanthropist.  925  Adventures of Harry Austin. Novel. 1075
The Devil and Dr. Buckland..      942 Anecdotes of Douglas Jerrold..     1078
Eccentricities of the Earl of Bridgewater   943  Adventures of a Tale                    1088
The Blessings of Life...      943  AINSWORTH, WILLIAM HARRISON, 1091, 1093, 1094
A Whet before Dinner...  943  Ale and Sack. Song... 1094
Manners Makes the Man..      944  Autocrat of the Parlor Fire.           1095
My Christmas Dinner...  948  ADDISON, H. R...                1102
I Told You So...      990  All for the want of a Halfpenny.     1104
The Boat Race..                999  Anonymous..... 1124
The Anti-Punster..            1011
The Young Scholar... 1020 BAYLY, THOMAS HAYNES. 705, 710, 711
The Modern Saint..        1020  BAYLEY, F. W. N...      785
Abernethyana.                1034 Bon Vivant.....  723
Our Fighting Editor                     1040  Bum-Boat Woman...      727
Celestial Confusion... 1043  Blind Story; or, Mrs. Clapper's Return.  730




1134                                           INDEX.
PAGE                                                PAGIO
Bon Mots                                      741  Diamond Cut Diamond..  1012
Boz.. 750, 757, 760  D'ISRAELI, BENJAMIN                           1021
BROOKS, SHIRLEY.               770  Did You Ever?.  1045
Boxiana.....  781  DYCE's "Table Talk"...      1058
BALzAC, D'ANoIs...       799  DORAN, DR.                                    1061
Barber of Stocksbawler...   816  Dog Fancier...      1091
Battle of the Yatches...      832  Day of Disasters.  Poem..        1098
BUCKSTONE, JOHN BALDWIN...   858  Death's Injunction...      1101
Bold Translator.                             861
BARHAM, REV. RICHARD HARRIS          866, 931,939  Enchanted Net.  Poem..              690
Bits                                           889  ELLA.'716, 720, 721
BULWER, SIR EDWARD LtTTON..  889,897  EOTHEN.                      740
Box Tunnel.                                   899  En-land Sixty Years Ago.'. 745
Blessings of Life..               943  Enthusiast in Anatomy...       799
Bonaparte at Miss Frounce's School             945  Errors of the Press.   8.31
Brighton Fair...              958  Eccentricities of Earl of Bridgewater.       943
Bartholomew Fair, Past and Present.   971  Expectoration..                 1040
BERNAL, R.                                     983  Epigrams                          1043, 1097, 1101
Boat Race                                     999  ELLISTON, ROBERT WILLIAM..      1111
BLANCHARD, LAMAN.              1049, 1052  Ex-ale-ation; or, Hot and Cold..  1120
Bounce Molloy and Crazy Crab,. 1071
Fete at a Country Seat...       678
Chapter on Old Coats...      724  First-Floor Lodger.                           697
CORNWALL, BARRY...   725  Farewell to Tobacco...'720
Cram, Captain, Royal Horse Marines.        742  Frights...                  801
Cab Driver and Man about Town                 757    "Thieves." The Strange Cat.
Full Dress Party....      804
Cool            1. 65,                                           y
Curious.Opinions of a Turk..766  Force of Circumstances...   810
COLLINS, W. WILKIE....      782  Frightful Narrative...       812
CRUIKSIJANK, GEORGE, Designs by, 721, 771,800   FITZGERALD,. W.G.                                  818
Fair Retort                                    832
801,802, 803, 804, 808, 809, 810, 812, 813, 1097
COTTON, J. S., Designs by,.    787, 788, 789  Fool's Answer                                   880
CLARKE, -...                     804, 808  Fish, the Man, and the Spirit..       919
COMaE,                                        83WIIA.:.. 83FORRESTER, ALFRED...    958, 961
CHAMIIER, CAPTAIN, R. NT....902  Farmer and the Counsellor..       074
Fine Brown Stout                             101 5~ 
Comic Writer, Miseries of a..      923
Chemist's Cat..                  924
Guesses at Truth                                0
Conmic Blackstone, Selections from.      946
Clockmaker...          951 956  GLASCOCK, CAPTAIN, R. N....   727
~CROWQUILL, ALFRED' -.     958 961  Grimaldi, Recollections of.       865
CROWQUILL, ALFRED...958, 961
Gouty Merchant and the St~ranger             1074
CROWQUILL, ALFRED, Designs by;    824, 825, 826  Gouty Merchant and the Stranger                  104
Greenwich  Pensioner                         1097i
Confessions of Fitzboodle.            1018                        
COLERIDGE, SAMUEL TAYLOR         1038, 1039 1040  GORE, CATHERINE FRANCES... 1100
Celestial Confusion....         1043  Gossip                                         110
College Lay...             1060  GILBERT, JOHN, Designs by..          1094
Chatham Chalybeate...  1068  Gideon Owen; or, Timing a Shipwreck            1121
Capturing a Fort...     1102
COSTELLO, DUDLEY,... 1108  HINE, H. G., Designs by, 630, 745, 748, 749, 750,
7.82, 784, 819, 832, 833, 834, 835, 845, 920,
David Dumps.  Novel..'705         921,.922, 925
Deadly Nightshade.  Poem.711  Hoon, THOMAS...  671, 676, 677, 678, 1097
Defeated Duellist...                HooD, TIOMAS, Designs by, 671, 673, 674, 675, 677
DICKENS, CHARLES.'750, 757 760  Hand-Book of Joking...   692
Day of Distress                                789  HARE, JULIUS and AUGUSTUS                      702
Deaf Postilion                                808  Hammering itin..'
Hammering it~in.                   31
~Demf Pontili                          Hints to Archers...       742
Gooseherry...           819
Dogs' Tales ebey                              8153   How I went up the Jung-Frau and came
Delicate Attentions...881                    down again.'748
Dawn (The) When Unadorned.  - 925'Husband's Vengeance.. Melting Tale               770
Devil and Dr. Buckland.                 942  HowARD, EDWARD,  R. N.                           74
Domestic Democracy..             965  Horrible Delusions                              813
People....   976  HOOTON, CHARLES                                 819
D~elusion of Three Days...           Hiring a Cook                                  869
illV                   ~~~~~~866, 869, 871, 872, 819
Drafts from "The Doctor"                     1005  H      ook                                      8
Memorials.  Academical Questions.  Flogging  at   Hook, Th eodore, Adventure with
School. Essays on Taste. schoolLearning. Lovers  HORNE, R. H.                                  907
of Literature. Vanity of Human Fame. Retire-     HUNT, LEIGH                911 913 914 916 919
ment. Preaching to the Poor. Voluminous Tri-    Hats, Chapteron..                   916
Hats, Chapter on..916
fling. Parliamentary Jokes., Book Madness. Utility
of Pockets. Etymological Discoveries.            Hopeful Youth...                   939
Devil's Walk on Earth...     1008  HALIBURTON, JUDGE...     951, 956




INDEX.                                           1135
PAGE                                                PAGE
How to Form a Stock Company..      985  Medical Stpdeut, Physiology of the              980
Hunting John Dory....  992  Modern Saint....                   1020
Haunch of Venison.     1070  MATHEWS, CHARLES, the Elder                    1035
HOWITT, MARY.                        1098    The Silver Spoon. The First Dead Head. Ontpipped.
Hih Life in the Tap-Room.199           Lots of Berries. Builder of his Own Fortune.
HighLifein  the Tap'Room..199~         Queer Comfort. A Spanish Ambassador. Kemble
HARRISON, W. H~.... 1121       and his Cat. His Last Joke.
My Wife's Mother...  1068
Interview with a Pasha..             740  Mrs. Caudle's Curiain Lectures.              1079
Ingoldsby Legonds..931   Introduction. Mr. Candle has Lent Five Pounds to
~~~~~I Told You So              990    ~a Friend. Mr. Candle has been to the Tavern with
1`Told  E'ou So                   ~~~990
IToldious  Soe....                     90       a Friend. Mr. Candle has been made a Mason.
Ingenious Defence.... 1051  My IHusband's Winnings.                        1083
Interrupted Duel..             1075  My Old Complaint    Song.      1094
Invitation to the Zoological Gardens. 1123
New Readingsof Old Authors.      689, 844
John Kemble'S ~ Ruffle.            919  NORTON, HON. MRS. ERSKINE. 701, 1088
Jeremy Scrap the Optimist                    1049  Nineve  and Babylon.766
DOUGLAS         ~~~1078, 1079, 1049Nnee3adBayo
JERROLD,  DOUGLAS                 107 8,1079,1083.Neighbor Nelly.  Poem..       784
Jolly Nose.  Song                            1093  New Tale of a Tub.  Poem                       785
Jester's Sermon. Poem                        1120  NewCaptain.                             902
Jones at the Barber's Shop. 1123  Nothing Like Warm Bathing..   991
NIiMROD.                                   1041
KINGLAKE, G. W...                  740  Notelets of Samuel Rogers.        1058, 1059, 1060
Lord Dudley and Ward. Lady Holland. Charade.
Lost Heir...                    677      Gilt Uncomfort. No Right Here. High Gambling.
Libellers.....688         Double Dumbmy. Duel in the Dark. Natural Excuse. Naked Fact. Back Track. Three Irishmen.
LAMB, CHARLES...    716, 720, 721     Witticisms. Lord Chesterfield. Scotch Lady. Hornme
LANDOR, WALTER SAVtGE                         7    723  Tooke. Vernon. Beauty of Youth. Curran. Grattns Uncle. Lord Ellenboirough.
LEECH, JOHN, Designs by, 520, 726, 862, 864, 935,      tans Ucle. LordEllenboroug.
945, 946, 991,'1108, 1119                   NEALE, W. JOHNSON.. 1095
Lamplighter's Story     -.      750  On the Inconveniences Resulting from Being
LANDON, LETITIA ELIZABETH..  764
Hanged...716
Logic...                            765          Haned 
One Peep was Enough...  764
LAYARD, A. H.                                 166,   plnw~  l~nlbr                               i6
Ticketr.  Tale....           Oxford Jokes....      769
Lottery Tickel.  Tale.766
OXENFORD, JOIIN...          799
Last Stage Coachman.782  OEFRJH                                                      9
Last Stage Coachman.782  Old Friends with New Faces..       835
LEMiON,  MARK.              810, 812, 813, 816  Odd People                                     872
Laugh and Get Fat....818  Overcharge. Resuscitated Joe..       910
Long Cane        -....     832  Our Domestic Parliament..          922
LEIGH, P...                   862  Oh, Love, You've been a Villain.                998
LENOX, LOtD WILLIAti 87 79   Ottilia                                                               18
Laudanum  Patient                             973
Our Fighting Editor..     1040
LU;TTRELL... 1097                        r
~LU~~~TTRELL..oT.            1097Old Soldier...                1096
Epigram on Miss Tree.  Eronaut. A Dye Joke.
The English Climate. Epitaph on a Man Killed
byan Omnibus. On the Contrary. Wild Celery.     Pugsley Papers..                     671
The Ashes.                                      Pictorial Humor-Shakspere.     689, 844
Poetry, Punning, and Piety.               701
My Aunt Honor...     -685  Pericles and Aspasia..           823
McConnell, Designs by... 692, 773  PROCTOR, B. W..                                725
Man Milliner.....  693  Pictorial Humor-from Punch,          726, 991, 1103
Mirth.  Essay...              702  PRAED, WINTHROP MACKWORTH                      737
My Honorable Friend Bob                       705  Pickwick Club.757, 760
MEAnOWS, KENNY, Designs by,  727, 745, 836, 914  Persians in London....          792
Many Colored Life..      730  Provincial Sketches...       827
Mr. Hippy's Vagaries..  733  PHILLIPS, JOHN SOUTH                            833
Mo'ntebank Doctor.      745  PEAKE, RICHARD BRINSLEY                 845, 851, 853
MITFORD, MARY RUSSELL...  789  "Page" of Phrenology..           862
Mo:1IEn, JAMES....      792  PAUL PRETDERGAST...       862
ItIn of Many Friends...   869  Puns, Chapter on...           871
Merns. for Diners Out...      879  Practical Joke, An Honest One..       872
Monthly Nurse... 914  POOLE, JON....   881
MAYHEW, HORACE        920, 921, 922, 923, 924, 925  Pacha of Many Tales. Novel..       961
Model Fast Man....      920  Pickwick Abroad. Novel..   985
Model Irish Speaker...  921  PLANCHE, J. R..                            997, 998
MAYHEW, THE BROTHERS..              926  Peter Priggins, Life and Times of..   999
Miss Thimblebee's Boarding School.           926  Pig.  Colloqnial Poem                          1008
My Cousin Nicholas.  Novel.               939  Proverbs of Samuel Levi, Esq., Attorney        1044
Manners Makes the Man. Poem..   944  Priors of Prague.  Novel... 1095
My Christmas Dinner...      948  Persian's Paradise.                    1096
MARRYATT, CAPTAIN..      961, 965  Punch, Extracts from, 726, 991, 1099, 1103, 1119,
Midshipman Easy. Novel...      965          1123




1136                                           INDEX.
PAGE                                                PAGE ~
Prince of Darkness.                         1115  Serious Joe Miller...         8
Punch's Almanac...     1124    The Masquerade. The Carac. The Illumination.
The Lane.
Quid Pro Quo...         1051  Tylnev Hall.  Novel...   678
Tin Trumpet....       83
REYNOLDS, FREDERIC..         702  Ten Thousand a Year. Novel..   693
Reading a Tragedy.  Poem..      710  Thousand Years Ago..              725
Red Fisherman.  Poem...  737  TWITTERS, PETER, Philosopher..   748
RODEN, LUKE....      745  Toad in a Hole.                               804
Respectability....  798  Three Courses and a Dessert.     804, 808
READE, CHARLES....      899  Treasury of Rampsinitus.  Poem.       833
Roman Nose, On a.   961  Two Tomnkinses....   845
REYNOLDS, G. W. M....      985  Theatrical Manager..       851
Reproof and Reply.  Poem..  1039  Too Handsome for Anything..   897
ROGERS, SAMUEL.                             1058  Tale of the English Sailor..       961
Revelations of London.  Novel.  1091  Theseus and Ariadne.  Song.           997
Re-Bus.....     1101  THACKERAY, WILLIAM MAKEPEACE             1012, 1018
RAYMOND, GEORGE.... 1115  Thoughts and Opinions of S. T. Coleridge, 1038, 1039
ROWLANDSON, Design by...     1121   Jews. School Discipline. Thelwall. Stammering.
Poets in a Puzzle. False Estimate.  Coleridge
"Done Up." Ear and Taste for Music. Shakspere.
Sally Simpkin's Lament                        676      Criticism. Modern Satirists. Materials of Poetry.
STRICKLAND, AGNES.685                           Ill-deserved Commendation. Shakspere and Milton.
SEYMOUR, Designs by        689, 758, 759, 763, 844  Table Traits, and Something on Them.  1061
SMEDLEY, FRANK E..... 690  THORNBURY, GEORGE W...       1120
Sam Weller's Valentine...      760
St. Michael's Eve. Poe..           771  Unlucky Puppy....   853
Useful Hint...  892
Short Courtship....      801  Usfl  in         tp                             8
Syntax (Dr.) in Search of the Picturesque     823
Street Conjuror...             836
Stranger I Met at my Club                     839..            70
Spoiled Child....      907  Village Choristers....   827
Seamen on Shore..911  Vivian Grey.  Novel.                                  1021
St. Valentine's Day..        913  Visit to a Celebrated Diplomatist.. 1021
Spectre of Tappington..          931
SAM SLICK, Sayings and Doings of          951, 954  WRREN, SAUEL  W   her693
Road to a Woman's Heart. Father John O'Shaug-     Weeds of Witchery..                   11
nessy. Italian Paintings. Sister Sall's Courtship.  World as it is..                     712
Slickisms; or Yankee Philosophy..   956  Wit and Humor of Charles Lamb..   721
SMITH, ALBERT,..   971, 973, 966, 980   Abstruse Propositions. Moving. Pleasures of LonSomething Like a Holiday.              992     don. Nothing to do. Brandy and Water. Misers.
Presents. Cannibals. Best Acid. Dirty lands.
SOANE, GEORGE...           992      Good Actions. Paying for Things. Sign for a School.
SOUTHEY, ROBERT..        1005, 1008      Sharp Act. Punning Translation. tHood. A Cold.
Speculators..1018                               Boiled Mutton. Making Both Ends Meet. ColeCoachman  *...      104 * A   ridge Preaching. Better Days. Lamb's Wool. On
Stage Coachman                               1041       Puns.
SMITH, SYDNEY, Sayings of        1046, 1047, 1048  WEBBE, CORNELIUS...       733
Habitual Bore. Lewis'sTragedyofAlfonso. American  Who Milked My Cow; or, The Marine Ghost  774
Ice. Cannibals. Dinner Party. Duelling. Burning
Chimney Sweeps. Enjovnynt of Life. Bulls. Class-  WILLIS, HAL                                  836
ical Gloryv. Charades. Materialism. Official Dress.  Wooing of Master Fox..          889
Pulpit Eloquence.  Impertinence of an Opinion.  Whom tooMarry and How to Get Married           926
Prison Retirement. Parasites. The Theatre. Use  W                                              943
and Abuse. Men and Beasts.  Narrow-Minded       Whet Before Dinner
Persons.  Frightful to Think of. Education at   Women and their Masters.  1052
Botany Bay. Ecclesiastical Jokes. Virgilian Pun.  Whimsicalities of Robert William Elliston   1110
The Wrong Word. Samaritans. Stage Coach
Travelling. Youth and Familiarity. Dogs. Din-           EDMOND.                  71
ner in the Country.                             YATES, EDMOND H.
SMITH, JAMES....     1067  Young Philanthropist and the Old Brute.   858
SMITH, HORACE.                        1071  Yellowplush Correspondence                    1012
Seraphina; or, Suffering Sensibility.    1088  Young Scholar.  1020
SIMPSON, J. PALGRAVE... 1104  Young Hearts and Old Hearts..      1087