THE ADVENTURES
or
FlR. VERDANT GREEN
BY  CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A.
THREE VOLUMES IN ONE.
wITl NEAJLY TWO HUNDRED HUMOROUS ILLUSTRATIONS
BY THU AUTHOR,
A College joke to cure the dumps."
SWIFT:
ErunWIXTJ THousAnD
NEW YORK:
Carleton, Publisher, Madison  Square.
LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.
M DCCC LXX.




3RONTISPIECI
(See gage 30.)
CUTEBBDBT BBDB, INVY. XT DELT.                        l. BVANS, SC.
MR. VERDANT GREEN
URVXWIQiS THE SUBJECT FOR A STRIKING FINTISPIB a
FI[YWtlK~H~ TBHE SUBJEOT FO]~ A STRIK/NG F]TB~ISPIEC~




COOTENTS OF PART L
CHAPTER L
Mr. Verdant Green's Relatives and Antecedents..   1
CHAPTER IL
Mr. Verdant Green is to be aa Oxford Fr3shman.             8
-CHAPTER IIL
Mr. Verdant Green leaves the Home of his Ancesto..1
CHAPTEU 1~.
Mr. Verdant Green becomes an Oxford Undergraduate.  ff
CHAPTER V.
Mr. Verdant Green matriculates, and makes a sensation..    86
CHAPTER VI.
Mr. Verdant Green dines. breakfasts, and goes to Chapel.      4b
CHAPTER VII.
Mr. Vwtrant Green calls on a Gentleman who "is liceneed
to sell"....   *   * 




iv                       CONTENTS.
CHAPTER VII.
Mr. Verdant Green's Morning Reflections are not so pleasant as
his Evening Diversions...                    66
CHAPTER IX.
Mr. Verdant Green attens Lectures, and, in despite of Sermons,
has dealings with Filthy Lucre..       78
CHAPTER X
Mr. Verdant Green reforms his Tailor's Bills and runs up others.
He also appears in a rapid act of Horsemanship, and finds
Isis cool inSummer...  87
CHAPTER XI
Mr. Verdant Green's Sports and Pastimes..  99
CHAPTER XII.
Mr Verdant Green terminates his existence as an Oxford
Frshman.,,..                                 110




CHAPTEfR t
Mr. Verdant Gteen reecommences his existence as at Oxfird
Undergraduate....           I 
CHAPTER IL
Mr. Verdant Green does as he has been done by    *   1 
CHAPTER III.
Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to keep his Spirits up by pour
iug Spirits down...... 
CHAPTER IV.
Mr. Verdant Green discovers the difference between Town and
Gown......     
CHAPTER V.
l!. Verdant Green is favoured with Mr. Bounce's Opinions
regarding an Undergraduate's Epistolary Communications
to his Maternal Relative..,,.  a
CHAPTER Vt
Mr. Verdant Green feathers his oars with skill and dexterity..




Vi                          CONTENTS.
CHAPTER VII.
PAOG
hr. Verdant Green partakes of a Dove-tart and a Spread-eagle   59
CHAPTER VIII.
Mr. Verdant Green spends a Merry Christmas ana a Happy
New Year........        68
CHAPTER IX.
Mr. Verdant Green makes his first appearance on any Boards,   76
CHAPTER X.
Mr. Verdant Green enjoys a real Cigar.                           7 o    *    o   87
CHAPTER XI.
Mr. Verdant Green gets through his Smalls,.,   9d
CHAPTER XII.
Mr. Verdant Green and his Friends enjoy the Commemoration    104




CONTENTS OF PART IIL
CHAPTER L
Mr. Verdant Green travels North.                       1
CHAPTER IL
Mr. Verdant Green delivers Miss Patty Honeywood from the
Horns of a Dilemma....                      7
CHAPTER III
Mr. Verdant Green studies ye Manners and Customs of ye
Natyves.....19
CHAPTER IV.
Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to say Snip to some one's Snap    25
CHAPTER V.
Mr. Verdant Green meets with the Green-eyed Monster.        8
CHAPTER VI.
Mr. Verdant Green joins a Northumberland Pic-Nic             41
CHAPTER VIL
Mr. Verdant Green has an Inkling of the Future.  -  49




CHAPTER VIlI.
Mr Verdant Green crosses the Rubicon  *         *,  67
CHAPTER IX.
Mr. Verdant Green asks Papa..               ~   ~   ~.    8
CHAPTER X.
Mr. Verdant Green is made a Mason,.  78
CHAPTER XL
Mr. Verdant Green breakfasts with Mr. Bouncer, and enters for
a Grind.....                   8
CHAPTER XItL
Mr. Verdant Green takes his Degree     *.        *         *  96
CHAPTER THE LAST.
Mt. Verdat Green is Maried d  BldDone       *             *  ~ 




THE ADVENTURES
of
MR. VERDANT GREEN.
CHAPTER L
MR. VEFDANT GRWEN' RELAfTVES AND ANECDENTS.
fr you will refer to the unpublished volume of " Burke's Landed
Gentry," and turn to letter G, article" GREEN," you will see that
the Verdant Greens are a family of some respectability and of con.
siderable antiquity. We meet with them as early as 1096, flocking to the Crusades among the followers of Peter the Hermit, when
one of their name, Greene surnamed the Witless, mortgaged his
lands in order to supply his poorer companions with the sinews of
war. The family estate, however, appears to have been redeemed
and greatly increased by his great-grandson, Hugo de Greene, but
was again jeoparded in the year 1456, when Basil Greene, being
commissioned by Henry the Sixth to enrich his sovereign by discovering the philosopher's stone, squandered the greater part of his
fortune in unavailing experiments; while his son, who was also infected with the spirit of the age, was blown up in his laboratory when
just on the point of discovering the elixir of life. It seems to have
been about this time that the Greenes became connected by marriage
with the equally old family of the Verdants; and, in the year 1510,
we find a Verdant Greene as justice of the peace for the county of
Warwick, presiding at the trial of three decrepid old women, who,
being found guilty of transforming themselves into cats, and in that
shape attending the nightly assemblies of evil spirits, were very properly pronounced by him to be witches, and were burnt with all due
solemnity.
I




2          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
In tracing the records of the family, we do not find that any of
its members attained to great eminence in the state, either in the
counsels of the senate or the active services of the field; or that they
amassed any unusual amount of wealth or landed property. But we
may perhaps ascribe these circumstances to the fact of finding the
Greens, generation after generation, made the dupes of more astute
minds, and when the hour of danger came, left to manage their own
affairs in the best way they could,-a way that commonly ended in
their mismanagement and total confusion. Indeed, the idiosyncrasy
of the family appears to have been so well known, that we continually
meet with them performing the character of catspaw to some monkey
who had seen and understood much more of the world than they had,
-putting their hands to the fire, and only finding out their mistake
when they had burned their fingers.
In this way the family of the Verdant Greens never got beyond
a certain point either in wealth or station, but were always the
same unsuspicious, credulous, respectable, easy-going people in one
century as another, with the same boundless confidence in their
fellow-creatures, and the same readiness to oblige society by putting
their names to little bills, merely for form's and friendship's sake,
The Vavasour Verdant Green, with the slashed velvet doublet and
point-lace fall, who (having a well-stocked purse) was among the
favoured courtiers of the Merry Monarch, and who allowed that
monarch in his merriness to borrow his purse, with the simple I. O. U.
of " Odd's fish! you shall take mine to-morrow!" and who never
(of course) saw the sun rise on the day of repayment, was but the
prototype of the Verdant Greens in the full-bottomed wigs, and
buckles and shorts or George I.'s day, who were nearly beggared by
the bursting of the Mississippi Scheme and South-Sea Bubble; and
these, in their turn, were duly represented by their successors. And
thus the family character was handed down with the family nose,
until they both re-appeared (according to the veracious chronicle of
Burke, to which we have referred) in
" VERDANT GREEN, of the Manor Green, Co. Warwick, Gent.,
who married Mary, only surviving child of Samuel Sappey, Esq., of
Sapcot Hall; Co. Salop; by whom he has issue, one son, and three
daughters: Mary,-VERDANT,-Helen,-Fanny."
Mr. Burke isrunfeeling enough to give the dates when this bunch
of Greens first made their appearance in the world; but these dates
we withhold, from a delicate regard to personal feelings, which will
be duly appreciated by. those wh  have felt the sacredness of their
domestic hearth to be tampered with by the obtrusive impertinences
of a census-paper.
It is sufficient for our purpose to say, that our hero, Mr Verdant




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
('reen, junior, was born much in -he same way as othel folk. And
although pronounced by Mrs. Toosypegs his nurse, when yet in the
first crimson blush of his existence, to be " a perfect progidy, mum,
which I ought to be able to pronounce,'avin nuss'd a many parties
through their trouble, and bein aweer of what is doo to a Hlinfant,"yet we are not aware that his debut on the stage of life, although
thus applauded by such a clacqueur as the indiscriminating Toosypegs, was announced to the world at large by any other means than
the notices in the county papers, and the six-shilling advertisement
in the Times.
"Progidy" though he was, even as a baby, yet Mr. Verdant
Green's nativity seems to have been chronicled merely in this everyday manner, and does not appear to have been accompanied by any
of those more monstrous phenomena, which in earlier ages attended
the production of a genuine prodigy. We are not aware that M s.
Green's favourite Alderney spoke on that occasion, or conducted itself
otherwise than as unaccustomed to public speaking as usual. Neither
can we verify the assertion of the intelligent Mr. Mole the gardener,
that the plaster Apollo in the Long Walk was observed to be bathed
in a profuse perspiration, either from its feeling compelled to keep
up the good old classical custom, or because the weather was damp.
Neither are we bold enough to entertain an opinion that the chickens
in the poultry-yard refused their customary food; or that the horses
in the stable shook with trembling fear; or that any thing, or any
body, saving and excepting Mrs. Toosypegs, betrayed any consciousness that a real and genuine prodigy had been given to the world.
However, during the first two years of his life, which were passed
chiefly in drinking, crying, and sleeping, Mr. Verdant Green met
with as much attention, and received as fair a share of approbation,
as usually falls to the lot of the most favoured of infants. Then
Mrs. Toosypegs again took up her position in the house, and his
reign was over. Faithful to her mission, she pronounced the new
baby to be the "progidy," and she was believed. But thus it is
all through life; the new baby displaces the old; the second love
supplants the first; we find fresh friends to shut out the memories
of former ones; and in nearly every thing we discover that there
is a Number 2 which can put out of joint the nose of Number 1.
Once more the shadow of Mrs. Toosypegs fell upon the walls of
Manor Green; and then her mission being accomplished, she passed
away for ever; and our hero was left to be the sole son and heir,
and the prop and pride of the house of Green.
And if it be true that the external forms of nature exert a hidden
but powerful sway over the dawning perceptions of the mind, and
shape its thoughts to harmony with the things around, then mos




4          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREFN,
certainly ought Mr. Verdant Green to have been born a poet; for he
grew up amid those scenes whose immortality is, that they inspired
the soul of Shakspeare with his deathless fancies!
The Manor Green was situated in one of the loveliest spots in
all Warwickshire; a county so rich in all that constitutes the picturesqueness of a true English landscape.  Looking from the draw.
ing-room windows of the house, you saw in the near foreground
the pretty French garden, with its fantastic parti-coloured beds, and
its broad gravelled walks and terrace; proudly promenading which,
or perched on the stone balustrade, might be seen perchance a peacock flaunting his beauties in the sun.  Then came the carefully kept
gardens, bounded on the one side by the Long Walk and a grove of
shrubs and oaks; and on the other side by a double avenue of
stately elms, that led through velvet turf of brightest green, down
past a little rustic lodge, to a gently sloping valley, where were white
walls and rose-clustered gables of cottages peeping out from the
embosoming trees, that betrayed the village beauties they seemed
loth to hide.  Then came the grey church-tower, dark with shrouding ivy; then another clump of stately elms, tenanted by cawing
rooks; then a yellow stretch of bright meadow-land, dappled over
with browsing kine knee-deep in grass and flowers; then a deep
pool that mirrored all, and shone like silver; then more trees with
floating shade, and homesteads rich in wheat-stacks; then a willowy
brook that sparkled on merrily to an old mill-wheel, whose slippery
stairs it lazily got down, and sank to quiet rest in the stream below;
then came, crowding in rich profusion, wide-spreading woods and
antlered oaks; and golden. gorse and purple heather; and sunny
orchards, with their dark-green waves that in Spring foamed white
with blossoms; and then gently swelling hills that rose to close the
scene and frame the picture.
Such was the view from the Manor Green. And full of inspiration as such a scene was, yet Mr. Verdant Green never accomplished
(as far as poetical inspiration was concerned) more than an " Address
to the Moon," which he could just as well have written in any other
part of the country, and which, commencing with the noble aspiration,
0 moon, that shinest in the heaven so blue,
I only wish that I could shine like you I"
and terminating with one of those fine touches of nature which rise
superior to the trammels of ordinary versification,
"But I to bed must be going soon,
So I will not address thee more, 0 moon 1r
will no doubt go down to posterity in the Album of his h iter Mar




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
For the first fourteen years of his life, the education of Mr. Ver.
dant Green was conducted wholly under the shadow of his paternal
roof, upon principles fondly imagined to be the soundest and purest
for the formation of his character. Mrs. Green, who was as good
and motherly a soul as ever lived, was yet (as we have shown) one
of the Sappeys of Sapcot, a family that were not renowned either for
common sense or worldly wisdom, and her notions of a boy's education were of that kind laid down by her favourite poet, Cowper, in
his "Tirocinium," that we are
"Well-tutor'd only while we share
A mother's lectures and a nurse's care;"
and in her horror of all other kind of instruction (not that she admitted Mrs. Toosypegs to her counsels), she fondly kept Master Verdant at her own apron-strings. The task of teaching his young idea
how to shoot was committed chiefly to his sisters' governess, and he
regularly took his place with them in the school-room. These daily
exercises and mental drillings were subject to the inspection of their
maiden-aunt, Miss Virginia Verdant, a first cousin of Mr. Green's,
who had come to visit at the Manor during Master Verdant's infancy,
and had remained there ever since; and this generalship was crowned
with such success, that her nephew grew up the girlish companion
of his sisters, with no knowledge of boyish sports, and no desire for
them.
The motherly and spinsterial views regarding his education were
favoured by the fact that he had no playmates of his own sex and
age; and since his father was an only child, and his mother's brothers had died in their infancy, there were no cousins to initiate him
into the mysteries of boyish games and feelings.  Mr. Green was a
man who only cared to live a quiet, easy-going life, and would have
troubled himself but little about his neighbours, if he had had any;
but the Manor Green lay in an agricultural district, and, saving the
Rectory, there was no other large house for miles around.  The
rector's wife, Mrs. Larkyns, had died shortly after the birth of her
first child, a son, who was being educated at a public school; and
this was enough, in Mrs. Green's eyes, to make a too intimate acquaintance between her boy and Master Larkyns a thing by no
means to be desired. With her favourite poet she would say,
"For public\schools,'tis public folly feeds;"
and, regarding them as the very hotbeds of all that is wrong, she
would turn a deaf, though polite, ear to the rector whenever he said,
"Why don't you let you- Verdant go with my Charley?'Charley




86         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
is three years older than Verdant, and would take him under his
wing." MIrs. Green would as soon think of putting one of he: chickens
under the wing of a hawk, as intrusting the innocent Verdant to the
care of the scapegrace Charley; so she still persisted in her own
system of education, despite all that the rector could advise to the
contrary.
As for Master Verdant, he was only too glad at his mother's
decision, for he partook of all her alarm about public schools, though
from a different cause.  It was not very often that he visited at the
Rectory during Master Charley's holidays; but when he did, that
young gentleman favoured him with such accounts of the peculiar
knack the second master possessed of finding out all your tenderest
places when he licked a feller for a false quantity, that, by Jove!
you couldn't sit down for a fortnight without squeaking; and of the
jolly mills they used to have with the town cads, who would lie in
wait for you, and half kill you if they caught you alone; and of the
fun it was to make a junior form fag for you, and do all your dirty
work;-that Master Verdant's hair would almost stand on end at
such horrors, and he would gasp for very dread lest such should ever
be his dreadful doom.
And then Master Charley would take a malicious pleasure in consoling him, by saying, " Of course, you know, you'll only have to fag
for the first two or three years; then-if you get into the fourth
form-you'll be able to have a fag for yourself. And it's awful fun,
I can tell you, to see the way some of the fags get riled at cricket!
You get a feller to give you a few balls, just for practice, and you hit
the ball into another feller's ground; and then you tell your fag to
go and pick it up. ~ So he goes to do it, when the other feller sings
out,' Don't touch that ball, or I'll lick you!' So you tell the fag to
come to you, and you say,'Why don't you do as I tell you?' And
he says,'Please, sir!' and then the little beggar blubbers. So you
say to him,'None of that, sir! Touch your toes!"  We always
make'em wear straps on purpose.  And then his trousers go tight
and beautiful, and you take out your strap and warm him! And
then he goes to get the ball, and the other fellow sings out,' I told
you to let that ball alone! Come here, sir! Touch your toes!' So
he warms him too; and then we go on all jolly.  It's awful fun, I
can tell you!"
Master Verdant would think it awful indeed; and, by his own
fireside, would recount the deeds of horror to his trembling mothe?
and sisters, whose imagination shuddered at the scenes from which
they hoped their darling would be preserved.
Perhaps Master Charley had his own reasons for making matters
worse than they really were; but, as long as the information he de




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    7
rived concerning public schools was of this description, so long did
Master Verdant Green feel thankful at being kept away from them.
He had'a secret dread, too, of his friend's superior age and knowledge; and in his presencefelt a bashful awe that made him glad to
get back from the Rectory to his own sisters; while Master Charley,
on the other hand, entertained a lad's contempt for one that could
not fire off a gun, or drive a cricket-ball, or jump a ditch without
falling into it.  So the Rectory and the Manor Green lads saw but
very little of each other; and while the one went through his
public-school course, the other was brought up at the women's apronstring.
But though thus put under petticoat government, Mr. Verdant
Green was not altogether freed from those tyrants of youth,-the
dead languages. His aunt Virginia was as learned a Blue as her
esteemed ancestress in the court of Elizabeth, the very Virgin Queen
of Blues; and under her guidance Master Verdant was dragged
with painful diligence through the first steps of the road that was to
take him to Parnassus. It was a great sight to see her sitting stiff
and straight,-with her wonderfully undeceptive "false front" of
(somebody else's) black hair, graced on either side by four sausage.
looing curls,-as, witY' spectacles on nose and dictionary m1haid,
she instructed her nephew in those ingenuous arts which should soften
his manners, and not permit him to be brutal. And, when they
together entered upon the romantic page of Virgil (which was the
extent of her classical reading), nothing would delight her more than
to declaim  their sonorous Arma-virumque-cano lines, where the
intrinsic qualities of the verse surpassed the quantities that she gave
to them.
Fain would Miss Virginia have made Virgil the end and aim of
an educational existence, and so have kept her pupil entirely under
her own care; but, alas! she knew nothing further; she had no
acquaintance with Greek, and she had never flirted with Euclid; and
the rector persuaded Mr. Green that these were indispensable to a
boy's education. So, when Mr. Verdant Green was (in stable language) " rising" sixteen, he went thrice a week to the Rectory, where
Mr. Larkyns bestowed upon him a couple of hours, and taught him
to conjugate rv'7ro, and get over the Pons Asinorum.  Mr. Larkyns
found his pupil not a particularly brilliant scholar, but he was a
plodding one; and though he learned slowly, yet the little he did
learn was learned well.
Thus the Rectory and the home studies went hand and hand, and
continued so, with but little interruption, for more than two years;
and Mr. Verdant Green had for some time assumed the toga virilia
of stick-up collars and swallow-tail coats, that so effectually cut us




8         THE LADENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
off from the age of innocence; and the small family festival that
annually celebrated his birthday had just been held for the eighteenth
time, when
A change came o'er the spiiit of Aw dream*
CHAPTER II.
MR. VERDANT GREEN IS TO BE AN OXFORD-MAN.
ONE day when the family at the Manor Green had assembled foo
luncheon, the rector was announced. He came in and joined them,
saving, with his usual friendly bonhomie, "A very well-timed visit,
I think! Your bell rang out its summons as I came up the avenue.
Mrs. Green, I've gone through the formality of looking over the
accounts of your clothing club, and, as usual, I find them correctness
itself; and here is my subscription for the next year. Miss Green,
I hope that you have not forgotten the lesson in logic that Tommy
Jones gave you yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh, what was that?" cried her two sisters; who took it in
turns with her to go for a short time in every day to the villageschool which their father and the rector had established: "Pray tell
u, Mr. Larkyns I Mary has said nothing about it."
"Then," replied the rector, "I am tongue-tied, until I have my
fair friend's permission to reveal how the teacher was taught."
Mary shook her sunny ringlets, and laughingly gave him the
required permission.
"You must know, then," said Mr. Larkyns, " that Miss Mary
was giving one of those delightful object lessons, wherein she blends
so much instructive-"
" I'll trouble you for the butter, Mr. Larkyns," interrupted Mary,
rather maliciously.
The rector was grey-headed, and a privileged friend. "My
dear," he said, "I was just giving it you. However, the objectlesson was going on; the subject being Quadruped.s which Miss
Mary very properly explained to be'things with four legs.' Pre.
sently, she said to her class,'Tell me the names of some quadrupeds?' when Tommy Jones, thrusting out his hand with the full
conviction that he was making an important suggestion, exclaimed,'Chairs and tables!' That was turning the tables upon Miss Mary
with a vengeance!"
During luncheon the conversation glided into a favourite theme




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     9
with Mrs. Green and Miss Virginia, —Verdant's studies when Mr.
~arkyns, after some good-natured praise of his diligence, said, " By
the way, Green, he's now quite old enough, and prepared enough
for matriculation: and I suppose you are thinking of it."
Mr. Green was thinking of no such thing. He had never been at
college himself, and had never heard of his father having been there;
and having the old-fashioned, what-was-good-enough-for-my-father-isgood-enough-for-me sort of feeling, it had never occurred to him that
his son should be brought up otherwise than he himself had been.
The setting-out of Charles Larkyns for college, two years before, had
suggested no other thought to Mr. Green's mind, than that a university was the natural sequence of a public school; and since Verdant
had not been through the career of the one, he deemed him to be'exempt from the other.
The motherly ears of Mrs. Green had been caught by the word
" matriculation," a phrase quite unknown to her; and she said, "II
it's vaccination that you mean, Mr. Larkyns, my dear Verdant was
done only last year, when we thought the small-pox was about; so
I think he's quite safe."
Mr. Larkyns' politeness was sorely tied to restrain himself from
giving vent to his feelings in a loud burst of laughter; but Mary gallantly came to his relief by saying, "Matriculation means, being
entered at a university.  Don't you remember, dearest mamma,
when Mr. Charles Larkyns went up to Oxford to be matriculated
last January two years?"
"Ah, yes! I do now. But I wish I had your memory, my dear."
And Mary blushed, and flattered herself that she succeeded in
looking as though Mr. Charles Larkyns and his movements were
objects of perfect indifference to her.
So, after luncheon, Mr. Green and the rector paced up and down
the long-walk, and talked the matter over. The burden of Mr. Green's
discourse was this: "You see, sir, I don't intend my boy to go into
the Church, like yours; but, when any thing happens to me, he'll
come into the estate, and have to settle down as the squire of the
parish. So I don't exactly see what would be the use of sending him
to a university, where, I dare say, he'd spend a good deal of money,
— not that I should grudge that, though;-and perhaps not be quite
such a good lad as he's always been to me, sir. And, by George I (I
beg your pardon,) I think his mother would break her heart to lose
him; and I don't know what we should do without him, as he's never
been away from us a day, and his sisters would miss him. And he's
not a lad, like your Charley, that could fight his way in the world, and,
I don't think he'd be altogether happy. And as he's not got to depend
upon his talents for his bread and cheese, the knowledge he's got at
1*




10         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREE.,
home, and from you, sir, seems to me quite enough to carry hi
through life. So, altogether, I think Verdant will do very well as he
is, and perhaps we'd better say no more about the matriculation."
But the rector would say more; and he expressed his mind thus:
"It is not so much from what Verdant would learn in Latin and Greek,
and such things as make up a part of the education, that I advise your
sending him to a university; but more from what he would gain by
mixing with a large body of young men of his own age, who represent
the best classes of a mixed society, and who may justly be taken as
fair samples of its feelings and talents. It is formation of character
that I regard as one of the greatest of the many great ends of a university system; and if for this reason alone, I should advise you to
send your future country squire to college.  Where else will he be
able to meet with so great a number of those of his own class, with
whom he will have to mix in the after changes of life, and for whose
feelings and tone a college-course will give him the proper key-note?
Where else can he learn so quickly in three years,-what other men
will perhaps be striving for through life, without attaining,-that selfreliance which will enable him to mix at ease in any society, and to feel
the equal of its members? And, besides all this,-and each of these
points in the education of a young man is, to my mind, a strong one,
-where else could he be more completely'under tutors and governors,' and more thoroughly under surveillance, than in a place where
college-laws are no respecters of persons, and seek to keep the wild
blood of youth within its due bounds? There is something in the
very atmosphere of a university that seems to engender refined
thoughts and noble feelings; and lamentable indeed must be the
state of any young man who can pass through the three years of his
college residence, and bring away no higher aims, no worthier purposes, no better thoughts, from all the holy associations which have
been crowded around him.  Such advantages as these are not to be
regarded with indifference; and though they come in secondary ways,
and possess the mind almost imperceptibly, yet they are of primary
importance in the formation of character, and may mould it into the
more perfect man.  And as long as I had the power, I would ilo
more think of depriving a child of mine of such good means towards
a good end, than I would of keeping him from any thing else that
was likely to improve his mind or affect his heart."
Mr. Larkyns put matters in a new light; and Mr. Green began
to think that a university career might be looked at from more than
one point of view. But as old prejudices are not so easily overthrown
as the lath-and-plaster erections of mere newly-formed opinion, Mr.
Green was not yet won over by Mr. Larkyns' arguments. " There was
my father," he said, "who was one of the worthiest and kindest men




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
living; and I believe he never went to college, nor did he think it
necessary that I should go; and I trust I'm no worse a man than
my father."
"Ah! Green," replied the rector; " the old argument! But
you must not judge the present age by the past; nor measure out
to your son the same degree of education that your father might
think sufficient for you. When you and I were boys, Green, thiese
things were thought of very differently to what they are in the present day; and when your father gave you a respectable education at
a classcal school, he did all that he thought was requisite to form
you into a country gentleman, and fit you for that station in life you
were destined to fill. But consider what a progressive age it is that
we live in; and you will see that the standard of education has been
considerably raised since the days when you and I did the' propria
qua maribus' together; and that when he comes to mix in society,
more will be demanded of the son than was expected from the father.
And besides this, think in how many ways it will benefit Verdant to
send him to college. By mixing more in the world, and being called
upon to act and think for himself, he will gradually gain that experience, without which a man cannot arm himself to meet the difficulties
that beset all of us, more or less, in the battle of life.  He is just of
an age, when some change from the narrowed circle of home is necessary. God forbid that I should ever speak in any but the highest
terms of the moral good it must do every young man to live under
his mother's watchful eye, and be ever in the company of pure-minded
sisters. Indeed I feel this more perhaps than many other parents
would, because my lad, from his earliest years, has been deprived of
such tender training, and cut off from such sweet society. But yet,
with all this high regard for such home influences, I put it to you, if
there will not grow up in the boy's mind, when he begins to draw
near to man's estate, a very weariness of all this, from its very sameness; a surfeiting, as it were, of all these delicacies, and a longing for
something to break the monotony of what will gradually become to
him a humdrum horse-in-the-mill kind of country life?  And it is
just at this critical time that college life steps in to his aid.  With
his new life a new light bursts upon his mind; he finds that he is
not the little household-god he had fancied himself to be; his word
is no longer the law of the Medes and Persians, as it was at home;
he meets with none of those little flatteries from partial relatives, or
fawring servants, that were growing into a part of his existence; but
he has to bear contradiction and reproof, to find himself only an
equal with others, when he can gain that equality by his own deserts;
and, in short, he daily progresses in that knowledge of himself, which,
from the gnothiseauton days down to out own; has lhen found to be




12         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
about the most useful of all knowledge; for it gives a man stability
of character, and braces up his mental energies to a healthy enjoyment of the business of life. And so, Green, I would advise you,
above all things, to let Verdant go to, college."
Much more did the rector say, not only on this occasion, but on
others; and the more frequently he returned to the charge, the less
resistance were his arguments met with; and the result was, that
Mr. Green was fully persuaded that a university was the proper
sphere for his son to move in. But it was not without many a pang
and much secret misgiving that Mrs. Green would consent to suffer
her beloved Verdant to run the risk of those dreadful contaminations
which she imagined would inevitably accompany every college career.
Indeed, she thought it an act of the greatest heroism (or, if you
object to the word, heroineism,) to be won over to say' yes' to the
proposal; and it was not until Miss Virginia had recited to her the
deeds of all the mothers of Greece and Rome who had suffered for
their children's sake, that Mrs. Green would consent to sacrifice her
maternal feelings at the sacred altar of duty.
When the point had been duly settled, that Mr. Verdant Green
was to receive a university education, the next question to be decided was, to which of the three Universities should he go? To
Oxford, Cambridge, or Durham?  But this was a matter which was
soon determined upon.  Mr. Green at once put Durham aside, on
account of its infancy, and its wanting the prestige that attaches to
the names of the two great Universities. Cambridge was treated
quite as summarily, because Mr. Green had conceived the notion
that nothing but mathematics were ever thought or talked of there;
and as he himself had always had an abhorrence of them from his
youth up, when he was hebdomadally flogged for not getting-up his
weekly propositions, he thought that his son should be spared some
of the personal disagreeables that he himself had encountered; for
Mr. Green remembered to have heard that the great Newton was
horsed during the time that he was a Cambridge undergraduate, and
he had a hazy idea that the same indignities were still practised
there.
But the circumstance that chiefly decided Mr. Green to choose
Oxford as the arena for Verdant's performances was, that he would
have a companion, and, as he hoped, a mentor, in the rector's son,
Mr. Charles Larkyns, who would not only be able to cheer him on
his first entrance, but also would introduce him to select and quiet
friends, put him in the way of lectures, and initiate him into all the
mysteries of the place; all which the rector professed his son would
be glad to do, and would be delighted to see his old friend and
playfellow within the classic walls of Alma Mater.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   3l
Oxford having been selected for the university, the next point to
be decided was the college.
" You cannot," said the rector, " find a much better college than
Brazenface, where my lad is. It always stands well in the class-list,
and keeps.a good name with its tutors. There are a nice gentle.
manly set of men there; and I am proud to say, that my lad would
be able to introduce Verdant to some of the best.  This will of
course be much to his advantage. And besides this, I am on very
intimate terms with Dr. Portman, the master of the college; and, if
they should not happen to be very full, no doubt I could get Verdant
admitted at once.  This too will be of advantage to him; for I
can tell you that there are secrets in all these matters, and that at
many colleges that I could name, unless you knew the principal, or
had some introduction or other potent spell to work with, your son's
name would have to remain on the books two or three years before
he could be entered; and this, at Verdant's age, would be a serious
objection. At one or two of the colleges, indeed, this is almost necessary, under any circumstances, on account of the great number oi
applicants; but at Brazenface there is not this over-crowding; and
I have no doubt, if I write to Dr. Portman, but what I can get rooms
for Verdant without much loss of time."
" Brazenface be it then! " said Mr. Green, " and I am sure that
Verdant will enter there with very many advantages; and the sconer
the better, so that he may be the longer with Mr. Charles. But when
must his-his what-d'ye-call-it, come off?"
" His matriculation?" replied the rector. " Why, although it is not
usual for men to commence residence at the time of their matriculation, still it is sometimes done. And as my lad will, if all goes on
well, be leaving Oxford next year, perhaps it would be better, on that
account, that Verdant should enter upon his residence as soon as he
has matriculated."
Mr. Green thought so too; and Verdant, upon beifig appealed to,
had no objection to this course, or, indeed, to any other that was decided to be necessary for him; though it must be confessed, that he
secretly shared somewhat of his mother's feelings as he looked forward
into the blank and uncertain prospect of his college life. Like a good
and dutiful son, however, his father's wishes were law; and he no
more thought of opposing them, than he did of discovering the north
pole, or paying off the national debt.
So all this being duly settled, and Mrs. Green being entirely won
over to the proceeding, the rector at once wrote to Dr. Portman, and
in due time received a reply to the effect, that they were very full at
Brazenface, but that luckily there was one set of rooms which would
be vacant at the commencement of the Easter term; at which time
he should be very glad to see the gentleman his friend spoke of.




Vortraitd of
MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FAMILY.
1.  2.            3.                 4.            5.                      0 5'
1. Mr. Green, senior.               3. Mrs. Green.                        5. Miss. Helen Green.             7. Miss Mary Greens
2. Miss Virginia Verdant.           4. Mr. Verdant Green.                 6. Miss Fanny Green.
[~~~~~~~~~ltFa~s~\bs~~c811




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    15
CHAPTER   II.
MR. VERDANT GREEN LEAVES THE HOME OF HIS ANCESTORS
THE time till Easter passed very quickly, for much had to be done
in it. Verdant read up most desperately for his matriculation, associating that initiatory examination with the most dismal visions of
plucking, and other college tortures.
His mother was laying in for him a new stock of linen, sufficient
in quantity to provide him for years of emigration; while his father
was busying himself about the plate that it was requisite to take, buying it bran-new, and of the most solid silver, and having it splendidly
engraved with the family crest, and the motto " Semper virens."
Infatuated  Mr. Green! If you could have foreseen that those
spoons and forks would have soon passed,-by a mysterious system
of loss which undergraduate powers can never fathom,-into the property of Mr. Robert Filcher, the excellent, though occasionally erratic,
scout of your beloved son, and from thence have melted, not " into
thin air," but into a residuum whose mass might be expressed by
the equivalent of coins of a thin and golden description,-if you
could but have foreseen this, then, infatuated but affectionate parent,
you would have been content to have let your son and heir represent
the ancestral wealth by mere electro-plate, albata, or any sham that
would equally well have served his purpose!
As for Miss Virginia Verdant, and the other woman portion of
the Green community, they fully occupied their time until the day
of separation came, by elaborating articles of feminine workmanship,
as souvenirs, by which dear Verdant might, in the land of the
strangers, recall visions of home. These were presented to him with
all due state on the morning of the day previous to that on which
he was to leave the home of his ancestors.
All the' articles were useful as well as ornamental. There was
a purse from Helen, which, besides being a triumph of art in the way
of bead decoration, was also, it must be allowed, a very useful present,
unless one happened to carry one's riches in a porte-monnaie. There
was a pair of braces from Mary, worked with an ecclesiastical pattern
of a severe character,-very appropriate for academical wear, and
extremely effective for all occasions when the coat had to be taken off
in public. And there was a watch-pocket from Fanny, to hang over
Verdant's night-capped head, and serve as a depository for the golden
mechanical turnip that had been handed down in the family, as a
watch, for the last three generations. And there was a pair of woollen




18         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
comforters knit by Miss Virginia's own fair hands; and theie were
other woollen articles of domestic use, which were contributed by
Mrs. Green for her son's personal comfort.  To these, Miss Virginia
thoughtfully added an infallible recipe for the toothache, an infliction to which she was a martyr, and for the general relief of which
in others she constituted herself a species of toothache missionary;
for, as she said, " You might, my dear Verdant, be seized with that
painful disease,' and not have me by your side to cure it:" which it
was very probable he would not, if college rules were strictly carried out at Brazenface.
All these articles were presented to Mr. Verdant Green with
many speeches and great ceremony; while Mr. Green stood by,
and smiled benignantly upon the scene, and his son beamed through
his glasses (which his defective sight obliged him constantly'to wear)
with the most serene aspect.
It was altogether a great day of preparation, and one which it
was well for the constitution of the household did not' happen very
often; for the house was reduced to that summerset condition usually
known in domestic parlance as " upside down." Mr. Verdant Green
personally superintended the packing of his goods; a performance
which was only effected by the united strength of the establishment.
Butler, Footman, Coachman, Lady's-maid, Housemaid, and Buttonu




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    17
wer all pressed into the service; and the coachman, being a man of
som( weight, was found to be of great use in effecting ajunction of the
locks and hasps of over-filled book-boxes. It was astonishing to see
all the amount of literature that Mr. Verdant Green was about to
convey to the seat of learning: there was enough to stock a small Bodleian. As the owner stood with his hands behind him, placidly surveying the scene of preparation, a meditative spectator might have
possibly compared him to the hero of the engraving " Moses going to
the fair," that was then hanging just over his head; for no one could
have set out for the great Oxford booth of this Vanity Fair with
more simplicity and trusting confidence than Mr. Verdant Green.
When the trunks had at last been packed, they were then, by
the thoughtful suggestion of Miss Virginia, provided each with a
canvas covering, after the manner of the luggage of females, and
labelled with large direction-cards filled with the most ample particulars concerning their owner and his destination.
It had been decided that Mr. Verdant Green, instead of reaching
Oxford by rail, should make his entree behind the four horses that
drew the Birmingham and Oxford coach;-one of the few four-horse
coaches that still ran for any distance;* and which, as the more pleasant means of conveyance, was generally patronised by Mr. Charles
Larkyns in preference to the rail; for the coach passed within three
miles of the Manor Green, whereas the nearest railway was at a
much greater distance, and could not be so conveniently reached.
Mr. Green had determined upon accompanying Verdant to Oxford,
that he might have the satisfaction of seeing him safely landed there,
and might also himself form an acquaintance with a city of which
he had heard so much, and which would be doubly interesting to him
now that his son was enrolled a member of its University.  Tleir
seats had been secured a fortnight previous; for the rector had told
Mr. Green that so many men went up by the coach, that unless he
* This well-known coach ceased to nm between Birmingham and Oxford ix
the last week of August 1852, on the opening of the Birmingham and Oxford
Railway




18         THJE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
made an early application, he would altogether fail in obtaining
paces; so a letter had been dispatched to " the Swan" cc ach-oflice
at Birmingham, from which place the coach started, and tw6 outside seats had been put at Mr. Green's disposal.
The day at length arrived, when Mr. Verdant Green for the first
time in his life (on any important occasion) was to leave the paternal
roof; and it must be confessed that it was a proceeding which caused
Ihim some anxiety, and that he was not sorry when the carriage was
at the door to bear him away, before (shall it be confessed?) his
tears had got the mastery over him.  As it was, by the judicious
help of his sisters, he passed the Rubicon in courageous style, and
went through the form of breakfast with the greatest hilarity, although
with several narrow escapes of suffocation from choking. The thought
that he was going to be an Oxford MAN fortunately assisted him in
the preservation of that tranquil dignity and careless ease which he
considered to be the necessary adjuncts of the manly character,
more especially as developed in that peculiar biped he was about
to be transformed into; and Mr. Verdant Green was enabled to say
Good-by" with a firm voice and undimmed spectacles




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   1
All crowded to the door to have a last shake of the hand; the
maid-servants peeped from the upper windows; and Miss Virginia
sobbed out a blessing, which was rendered of a striking and original
character by being mixed up with instructions never to forget what
she had taught him in his Latin grammar, and always to be careful
to guard against the toothache.  And amid the good-byes and
write-oftens that usually accompany a departure, the carriage rolled
down the avenue to the lodge, where was Mr. Mole the gardener,
and also Mrs. Mole, and, moreover, the Mole olive-branches, all
gathered at the open gate to say farewell to the young master.
And just as they were about to mount the hill leading out of the
village, who should be there but the rector lying in wait for them
and ready to walk up the hill by their side, and say a few kindly
words at parting. Well might Mr. Verdant Green begin to regard
himself as the topic of the village, and think that going to Oxford
was really an affair of some importance.
They were in good time for the coach; and the ringing notes of
the guard's bugle made them aware of its approach some time before
they saw it rattling merrily along in its cloud of dust. What a sight
it was when it did come near! The cloud that had enveloped it
was discovered to be not dust only, but smoke from the cigars, meerschaums, and short clay pipes of a full complement of gentlemen
passengers, scarcely one of whom seemed to have passed his twentieth year. No bonnet betokening a female traveller could be seen
either inside or out; and that lady was indeed lucky who escaped
being an inside passenger on the following day. Nothing but a lapse
of time, or the complete re-lining of the coach, could purify it from
the attacks of the four gentlemen who were now doing their best to
convert it into a divan; and the consumption of tobacco on that day
between Birmingham and Oxford must have materially benefited the
revenue.  The passengers were not limitted to the two-legged ones,
there were four-footed ones also. Sporting dogs, fancy dogs, ugly
dogs, rat-killing dogs, short-haired dogs, long-haired dogs, dogs like
muffs, dogs like mops, dogs of all colours and of all breeds and sizes,
appeared thrusting out their black noses from all parts of the coach.
Portmanteaus were piled upon the roof; gun-boxes peeped out sus.
picioudy here and there; bundles of sticks, canes, foils, fishing-rode,
and whips, appeared strapped together in every direction; while all
round about the coach,
"Like a swarth Indian with his belt of beads,"
hat-boxes dangled in leathery profusion. The Oxford coach on an
occasion like this was a sight to be remembered.
A " Wo-ho-ho, my beauties!" brought the smoking wheelers




20         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
upon their haunches; and Jehu, saluting with his elbow and whip
finger, called out in the husky voice peculiar to a dram-drinker, " Are
you the two houtside gents for Hoxfut?"  To which Mr. Green replied in the affirmative; and while the luggage (the canvas-covered,
ladylike look of which was such a contrast to that of the other passengers) was being quickly transferred to the coach-top, he and Verdant ascended to the places reserved for them behind the coachman.
Mr. Green saw at a glance that all the passengers were Oxford
men, dressed in every variety of Oxford fashion, and exhibiting a
pleasing diversity of Oxford manners. Their private remarks on
the two new-comers were, like stage " asides," perfectly audible.
"Decided case of governor!" said one.
" Undoubted ditto of freshman!" observed another.
" Looks ferociously mild in his gig-lamps!" remarked a third,
allading to Mr. Verdant Green's spectacles.
"And jolly green all over!" wound up a fourth.
Mr. Green, hearing his name (as he thought) mentioned, turned
to the small young gentleman who had spoken, and politely said,
"Yes, my name is Green; but you have the advantage of me, sir."
" Oh! have I?" replied the young gentleman in the most affable
manner, and not in the least disconcerted; "my name's Bouncer;
I remember seeing you when I was a babby.  How's the old woman?" And without waiting to hear Mr. Green loftily reply, " Mrs.
Green-my-WIFE, sir-is quite well-and I do NOT remember to
have seen you, or ever heard your name, sir!"-little Mr. Bouncer
made some most unearthly noises on a post-horn as tall as himself,
which he had brought for the delectation of himself and his friends,
and the alarm of every village they passed through.
" Never mind the dog, sir," said the gentleman who sat between
Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Green; " he won't hurt you.  It's only his
play; he always takes notice of strangers."
" But he is tearing my trousers," expostulated Mr. Green, who
was by no means partial to the " play" of a thorough-bred terrier.
"Ah! he's an uncommon sensible (log," observed his master;
"he's always on the look-out for rats every where.  It's the Wellington boots that does it; he's accustomed to have a rat put into a
boot, and he worries it out how he can. I daresay he thinks you've
got one in yours."
"But I've got nothing of the sort, sir; and I must request you
to keep your dog-"  A violent fit of coughing, caused by a welldirected volley of smoke from his neighbour's lips, put a stop to M-r,
Green's expostulations.
" I hope my weed is no annoyance?" said the gentleman; " i
it is, I will throw it away."




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     21
To which piece of politeness Mr. Green could, of course, only
repy, between fits of coughing, " Not in the least, I-assure you, —
am very fond-of tobacco-in the open air."
"Then I daresayyou'll do as we are doing, and smoke a weed
yourself," said the gentleman, as he offered Mr. Green a plethoric
cigar-case. But Mr. Green's expression of approbation regarding
tobacco was simply theoretical; so he treated his neighbour's offer
as magazine editors do the MSS. of unknown contributors-it was
"declined with thanks."
Mr. Verdant Green had already had to make a similar reply to
a like proposal on the part of his left-hand neighbour, who was now
expressing violent admiration for our hero's top-coat.
" Ain't that a good style of coat, Charley?" he observed to his
neighbour. " I wish I'd seen it before I got this over-coat! There's
something sensible about a real, unadulterated top-coat; and there's
a style in the way in which they've let down the skirts, and put on
the velvet collar and cuffs regardless of expense, that really quite goes
to one's heart. Now I daresay the man that built that," he said, more
particularly addressing the. owner of the coat, " condescends to live in
a village, and waste his sweetness on the desert air, while a noble
field might be found for his talent in a University town. That coat
will make quite a sensation in Oxford.  Won't it, Charley?"
And when Charley, quoting a popular actor (totally unknown to
our hero), said, "I believe you, my bo-oy " Mr. Verdant Green
began to feel quite proud of the abilities of their village tailor. and
thought what two delightful companions he had met with. The rest
of the journey further cemented (as he thought) their friendship; so
that he was fairly astonished when, on meeting them the next day,
they stared him full in the face, and passed on without taking any
more notice of him.  But freshmen cannot learn the mysteries of
college etiquette in a day.
However, we are anticipating. They had not yet got to Oxford,
though, from the pace at which they were going, it appeared as if
they would soon reach there, for the coachman had given up his
seat and the reins to the box-passenger, who appeared to be as used
to the business as the coachman himself; and he was now driving
them, not only in a most scientific manner, but also at a great pace.
Mr. Green was not particularly pleased with the change in the fourwheeled government; but when they went down a hill at a quick trot,
the heavy luggage making the coach rock to and fro with the speed,
his fears increased painfully. They culminated as the trot increased
into a canter, and then broke into a gallop as they swept along the
level road at the bottom of the hill, and rattled up the rise of another,
As the horses walked over the brow of the hill, with smoking flankl




22              ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANI GREEN,
and jingling harness, Mr. Green recovered sufficient breath to expos.
tulate with the coachman for suffering-" a mere lad," he was about
to say, but fortunately checked himself in time, —for suffering any
one else than the regular driver to have the charge of the coach.
I                 r         -oiV
"You never fret yourself about that, sir," replied the man; " 
knows my bis'ness, as well as my dooties to self and purprietors, and
I'd never go for to give up the ribbins to any party but wot had
showed hisself fitted to'andle'em. And I think I may say this for
the genelman as has got'em now, that he's fit to be fust vip to the




Ak OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     23
Queen herself; and I'm proud to call him my poople.  Why, sir,.if bis honour here will pardon me for makin' so free,-this'ere gent
is Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, of which you must have heerd on."
Mr. Green replied that he had not had that pleasure.
"Ah! a pleasure you may call it, sir, with parfect truth," replied
the coachman; " but, lor bless me, sir, weer cam you have lived?"
The "poople" who had listened to this, highly amused, slightly
turned his head, and said to Mr. Green, " Pray don't feel any alarm,
sir; I believe you are quite safeP under my guidance. This is not the
first time by many that I have driven this coach,-not to mention
others; and you may conclude that I should not have gained the
sobriquet to which my worthy friend has alluded without having
some pretensions to a knowledge of the art of driving."
Mr. Green murmured his apologies for his mistrust,-expressed
perfect faith in Mr. Fosbrooke's skill-and then lapsed into silent
meditation on the various arts.and sciences in which the gentlemen
of the University of Oxford seemed to be most. proficient, and pictured to himself what would be his feelings if he ever came to see
Verdant driving a coach!  There certainly did not appear to be
much probability of such an event; but can any pater familias say
what even the most carefully brought up young Hopeful will do
when he has arrived at years of indiscretion?
Altogether, Mr. Green did not particularly enjoy the journey.
Besides the dogs and cigars, which to him were equal nuisances, little
Mr. Bouncer was perpetually producing unpleasant post-horn effects,
-which he called "sounding his octaves,"-and destroying the effect
of the airs on the guard's key-bugle, by joining in them at improper
times and with discordant measures. Mr. Green, too, could not but
perceive that the majority of the conversation that was addressed to
himself and his son (though more particularly to the latter), although
couched in politest form, was yet of a tendency calculated to " draw
them out" for the amusement of their fellow-passengers.  He also
observer that the young gentlemen severally exhibited great capacity
for the beer of Bass and the porter of Guinness, and were not averse
even to liquids of a more spirituous description. Moreover, Mr.
Green remarked that the ministering Hebes were invariably addressed by their Christian names, and were familiarly conversed
with as old acquaintances; most of them  receiving direct offers of
marriage, or the option of putting up the banns on any Sunday
in the middle of the week; while the inquiries after their grandmothers and the various members of their family circles were both
numerous and gratifying. In all these verbal encounters little Mr.
Bouncer particularly distinguished himself.
Woodstock was reached: " Four-in-hand Fosbrooke" gave up




24         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
the reins to the professional Jehu; and at last the towers, spirea
and domes of Oxford appeared in sight. The first view of the City
of Colleges is always one that will be long remembered. Even the
railway traveller, who enters by the least imposing approach, and
can scarcely see that he is in Oxford before he has reached Folly
Bridge, must yet regard the city with mingled feelings of delight
and surprise as he looks across the Christ Church Meadows and
rolls past the Tom Tower.  But he who approaches Oxford from
the Henley Road, and looks upon that unsurpassed prospect from
Magdalen Bridge,-or he who enters the city, as Mr. Green did,
from the Woodstock Road, and rolls down the shady avenue of
St. Giles', between St. John's College and the Taylor Buildings,
and pass the graceful Martyrs' Memorial, will receive impressions
such as probably no other city in the world could convey.
As the coach clattered down the Corn-market, and turned the
corner by Carfax into High Street, Mr. Bouncer, having been compelled, in deference to University scruples, to lay aside his post-horn,
was consoling himself by chanting the following words, selected pro
bably in compliment to Mr. Verdant Green:
"To Oxford, a Freshman so modest,
I enter'd one morning in March;
And the figure I cut was the oddestAll spectacles, choker, and starch.
Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &o.
From the top of' the Royal Defiance,'
Jack Adams, who coaches so well,
Set me down in these regions of science,
In front of the Mitre Hotel.
Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &a
Sure never man's prospects were brighter,'
I said, as I jumped from my perch;
So quickly arrived at the Mitre,
Oh, I'm sure to get on in the Church!'
Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &o."
By the time Mr. Bouncer finished these words, the coach appro.
priately drew up at the "Mitre," and the passengers tumbled off
amid a knot of gownsmen collected on the pavement to receive them.
But no sooner were Mr. Green and our hero set down, than they
were attacked by a horde of the aborigines of Oxford, who, knowing by vulture-like sagacity the aspect of a freshman and his governor, swooped down upon them in the guise of impromptu porters,
and made an indiscriminate attack upon the luggage. It was only
by the display of the greatest presence of mind that Mr. Verdant
Green recovered his effects, and prevented his canvas-covered boxes
from being carried off in the wheel-barrows that were trundling off
in all directions to the various colleges.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    2
But at last all were safely secured.  And soon, when a snug
dinner had been discussed in a quiet room, and a bottle of the famous' ~-~i (a  m
~~-~:~~"~"=HAM AND IH14At




26         THE ADVENTJRES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
(though I have heard some call it " in-famous") Dxford port had been
produced, Mr. Green, under its kindly influence, opened lis heart to
his son, and gave him much advice as to his forthcoming University
career; being, of course, well calculated to do this from his intimate
acquaintance with the subject.
Whether it was the extra glass of port, or whether it was the
nature of his father's discourse, or whether it was the novelty of his
situation, or whether it was all these circumstances combined, yet
certain it was that Mr. Verdant Green's first night in Oxford was
distingaished by a series, or rather confusion, of most remarkable
dreams, in which bishops, archbishops, and hobgoblins elbowed one
another for precedence; a beneficent female crowned him with laurel,
while Fame lustily proclaimed the honours he had received, and unrolled the class-list in which his name had first rank.
Sweet land of visions, that will with such ease confer even a
treble first upon the weary sleeper, why must he awake from thy
gentle thraldom, to find the class-list a stern reality, and Graduate
ship too often but an empty dreaml




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
CHAPTER IV.
aM. VERDANT GREEN BECOMES AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.
MR. VERDANT GREEN arose in the morning more or less refreshed;
and after breakfast proceeded with his father to Brazenface College
to call upon the Master; the porter directed them where to go, and
they sent up their cards.  Dr. Portman was at home, and they were
soon introduced to his presence.
Instead of the stern, imposing-looking personage that Mr. Verdant
Green had expected to see in the ruler among dons, and the terror of
offending undergraduates, the master of Brazenface was a mild-looking old gentleman, with an inoffensive amiability of expression and a
shy, retiring manner that seemed to intimate that he was more alarmed
at the strangers than they had need to be at him. Dr. Portman
seemed to be quite a part of his college, for he had passed the greatest
portion of his life there. He had graduated there, he had taken
Scholarships there, he had even gained a prize-poem there; he had
been elected aFellow there, he had become a Tutor there, he had been
Proctor and College Dean there; there, during the long vacations, he
had written his celebrated " Disquisition on the Greek Particles,"
afterwards published in eight octavo volumes; and finally, there he
had been elected Master of his college, in which office, honoured and
respected, he appeared likely to end his days. He was unmarried; per 
haps he had never found time to think of a wife; perhaps he had never
had the courage to propose for one; perhaps he had met with early
crosses and disappointments, and had shrined in his heart a fair image
that should never be displaced. Who knows? for dons are mortals,
and have been undergraduates once.
The little hair he had was of a silvery white, although his eyebrows retained their black hue; and to judge from the fine freshcoloured features and the dark eyes that were now nervously twinkling upon Mr. Green, Dr. Portman must, in his more youthful days,
have had an ample share of good looks. He was dressed in an oldfashioned reverend suit of black, with knee-breeches and gaiters, and
a massive watch-seal dangling from under his waistcoat, and was deep
in the study of his favourite particles.  He received our hero and
his father both nervously and graciously, and bade them be seated.
" I shall al-ways," he said, in monosyllabic tones, as though he
were reading out of a child's primer,-" I shall al-ways be glad to see
~ny of the young friends of my old col-lege friend Lar-kyns; and I




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GRE.N,
do re-joice to be a-ble to serve you, Mis-ter Green; and I Lope youa
son, Mis-ter, Mis-ter Vir — Vir-gin-ius,""Verdant, Dr. Portman," interrupted Mr. Green, suggestively,
"Verdant."
"Oh! true,' true, true! and I do hope that he will be a ve-ry
good young man, and try to do hon-our to his col-lege."
"I trust he will, indeed, sir," replied Mr. Green; "it is the
great wish of my heart.  And I am sure that you will find my son
both quiet and orderly in his conduct, regular in his duties, and always
in bed by ten o'clock."
" Well, I hope so too, Mis-ter Green," said Dr. Portman, monosyllabically; "but all the young gen-tle-men do pro-mise to be reg-ular and or-der-ly when they first come up, but a term makes a great
dif-fer-ence. But I dare say my young friend Mis-ter Vir-gin-ius,""Verdant," smilingly suggested Mr. Green.
"I beg your par-don," apologised Dr. Portman; " but I dare
say that le will do as you say, for in-deed my friend Lar-kyns speaks
well of him."
"I am  delighted-proud!" murmured Mr. Green, while Verdant felt himself blushing up to his spectacles.
"We are ve-ry full,'" Dr. Portman went on to say, "but as I do
ex-pect great things from Mis-ter Vir-gin —-Verdant, Verdant, I
have put some rooms at his ser-vice; and if you would like to see




A% OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     29
them, my ser-vant shall show you the way." The servant was accordingly summoned, and received orders to that effect; while the'
Master told Verdant that he must, at two o'clock, present himself to
Mr. Slowcoach, his tutor, who would examine him for his matriculation.
"I am sor-ry, Mis-ter Green," said Dr. Portman, " that my engage-ments will pre-vent me from ask-ing you and Mis-ter VirgVer-dant, to dine with me to-day; but I do hope that the next time
you come to Ox-ford I shall be more for-tu-nate."
Old John, the Common-room man, who had heard this speech
made to hundreds of " governors" through many generations of freshmen, could not repress a few pantomimic asides, that were suggestive
of any thing but full credence in his master's words. But Mr. Green
was delighted with Dr. Portman's affability, and perceiving that the
interview was at an end, made his conge, and left the Master of Brazen.
face to his Greek particles.
__+,.ll' -
They had just got outside, when the servant said, "Oh, there
is the scout! Your scout, sir!" at which our hero blushed from the
consciousness of his new dignity; and, by way of appearing at his ease,
inquired the scouts name.




30         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
"Robert Filcher, sir," replied the servant; " but the gentlemen
always call'em by their Christian names." And beckoning the scout
to him, he bade him show the gentlemen to the rooms kept for 1r.
Verdant Green; and then took himself back to the Master.
Mr. Robert Filcher might perhaps have been forty years of age,
perhaps fifty; there was cunning enough in his face to fill even a century of wily years; and there was a depth of expression in his look, as
he asked our hero if he was Mr. Verdant Green, that proclaimed his
custom of reading a freshman at a glance. Mr. Filcher was laden
with coats and boots that had just been brushed and blacked for their
respective masters; and he was bearing a jug of Buttery ale (they
are renowned for their ale at Brazenface) to the gentleman who owned
the pair of " tops" that were now flashing in the qun as they dangled
from the scout's hand.
"Please to follow me, gentlemen," he said; " it's only just across
the quad.  Third floor, No. 4 staircase, fust quad; that's about the
mark, I think, sir."
Mr. Verdant Green glanced curiously round the Quadrangle, with
its picturesque irregularity of outline, its towers and turrets and battlements, its grey time-eaten walls, its rows of mullioned heavy-headed
windows, and the quiet cloistered air that spoke of study and reflection; and perceiving on one side a row of large windows, with great
buttresses between, and a species of steeple on the high-pitched roof,
he made bold (just to try the effect) to address Mr. Filcher by the
name assigned to him at an early period of his life by his godfathers
and godmothers, and inquired if that building was the chapel.
"No, sir," replied Robert, " that there's the'All, sir, that is,where you dines, sir, leastways when you ain't' Eger,' or elseweer.
That at the top is the lantern, sir, that is; called so because it never
has no candle in it.  The chapel's the hopposite side, sir.-Please
not to walk on the grass, sir; there's a fine agin it, unless you're a
Master.  This way if you please, gentlemen!"  Thus the scout beguiled them, as he led them to an open doorway with a large 4
painted over it; inside was a door on either hand, while a coal-bin
displayed its black face from under a staircase that rose immediately
before them.  Up this they went, following the scout (who had vanished for a moment with the boots and beer); and when they had
passed the first floor, they found the ascent by no means easy to the
body or pleasant to the sight. The once white-washed walls were
coated with the uncleansed dust of the three past terms; and where
the plaster had not been chipped off by flying porter-bottles or the
heels of Wellington boots, its surface had afforded an irresistible
temptation to those imaginative undergraduates who displayed their
irtistic genius in candle-smoke cartoons of the heads of the Universi.
4ity, and other popular and unpopular characters.  All Mr. Green's




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     31
cation, as he crept up the dark, twisting staircase, could nct prevent
him firom crushing his hat against the low, cobwebbed ceiling, and he
gave vent to a very strong but quiet anathema, which glided quietly
and audibly, into the remark, " Confounded awkward staircase, I
think!"
"Just what Mr. Bouncer says," replied the scout, " although he
don't reach so high as you, sir; but he do say, sir, when he comes
home pleasant at night from some wine-party, that it is the aukardest
staircase as was ever put before a gentleman's legs. And he did go
so far, sir, as to ask the Master, if it wouldn't be better to have a
staircase as would go up of hisself, and take the gentlemen up with
it, like one as they has at some public show in London-the Call-and
see-em, I think he said."
" The Colosseum, probably," suggested Mr. Green.  "And what
did Dr. Portman say to that, pray?"
" Why he said, sir,-leastways so Mr. Bouncer reported,-that
it worn't by no means a bad idea, and that p'raps Mr. Bouncer'd find
it done in six months' time, when he come back again from the country.
For you see, sir, Mr. Bouncer had made hisself so pleasant, that he'd
been and got the porter out o' bed, and corked his face dreadful; and
then, sir, he'd been and got a Hinn-board from somewhere out of the
twnf and hung it on thl Master', private door; so that when they




32.      ETHE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
went to early chapel in the morning, they read as how the Master
was' licensed to sell beer by retail,' and'to be drunk on the pre.
mises.'  So when the Master came to know who it was as did it,
which in course the porter told him, he said as how Mr. Bouncer
had better go down into the country for a year, for change of hair;
and to visit his friends."
" Very kind indeed of Dr. Portman," said our hero, who missed
the moral of the story, and took the rustication for a kind forgiveness
of injuries.
"Just what Mr. Bouncer said, sir," replied the scout, " he said
it were pertickler kind and thoughtful. This is his room, sir; he
come up on'y yesterday."  And he pointed to a door, above which
was painted in white letters on a black ground, " BOUNCER."
"   hy," said Mr. Green to his son, " now I think of it, Bouncer
was the name of that.short young gentleman who came with us on
the coach yesterday, and made himself so-so unpleasant with a tin
horn."
"That's the gent, sir," observed the scout; "that's Mr. Bouncer,
agoing the complete unicorn, as he calls it. I dare say you'll find
him a pleasant neighbour, sir. Your rooms is next to his."
With some doubts of these prospective pleasures, the Mr. Greens,
pere etfils, entered through a double door painted over the outside
with the name of" SMALLS;" to which Mr. Filcher directed our hero's
attention by saying, " You can have that name took out, sir, and
your own name painted in.  Mr. Smalls has just moved hisself to
the other quad, and that's why the rooms is vacant, sir."
Mr. Filcher then went on to point out the properties and capabilities of the rooms, and also their mechanical contrivances.
" This is the hoak, this'ere outer door is, sir, which the gentlemen sports, that is to say, shuts, sir, when they're a readin'. Not as
Mr. Smalls ever hinterfered with his constitootion by too much'ard
study sir; he only sported his hoak when people used to get trouble
some about their little bills. Here's a place for coals, sir, though
Mr. Smalls, he kept his bull-terrier there, which was agin the regulatidns, as you know, sir."  (Verdant. nodded his head, as though he
were perfectly aware of the fact.) " This ere's your bed-room, sir.
Very small, did you say, sir? Oh, no, sir; not by no means!  We
thinks that in college reether a biggish bed-room, sir.  Mr. Smalls
thought so, sir, and he's in his second year, he is." (Mr. Filcher
thoroughly understood the science of " flooring" a freshman.)
" Trhis is mny room, sir, this is, for keepin' your cups and saucers,
ard wine-glasses and tumblers, and them.sort o' things, and washin''em up when you wants'em.  If you likes to keep your wine and
Eperrits here, sir-Mr. Smalls always did-you'll find it a nice cool




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                      33
place, sir: or else here's this'ere winder-seat; you see, sir, it opens
with a lid,'andy for the purpose."
"If you act upon that suggestion, Verdant," remarked AMr. Green
aside to his son, " I trust that a lock will be added."
There was not a superfluity of furniture in the room; and Mr.
Smalls having conveyed away the luxurious part of it, that which
was left had more of the useful than the ornamental character; but
as Mr. Verdant Green was no Sybarite, this point was but of little
consequence.  The window looked with a sunny aspect down upon
the quad, and over the opposite buildings were seen the spires of
churches, the dome of the Radcliffe, and the gables, pinnacles, and
turrets of other colleges. This was pleasant enough: pleasanter than
the stale odours of the Virginian weed that rose from the faded green
window-curtains, and, from the old Kidderminster carpet that had
been charred and burnt into holes with the fag-ends of cigars.
"Well, Verdant," said Mr. Green, when they had completed
their inspection, " the rooms are not so very bad, and I think you
rr ay be able to make yourself comfortable in them. But I wish they
v ere not so high up.  I don't see how you can escape if a fire was
to break out, and I am afraid collegians must be very careless on
these points. Indeed, your mother made me promise that I would
speak to Dr. Portman about it, and ask him to please to allow your
tutor, or somebody, to see tha-t your fire was safely raked out at
night; and I had intended to have done so, but somehow it quite
2*




84         THE ADVENrURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
escaped me. How your mother and all at home would like to se
you in your own college room!"  And the thoughts of father and
son flew back to the Manor Green and its occupants, who were
doubtless at the same time thinking of them.
Mr. Filcher then explained the system of thirds, by which the
furniture of the room was to be paid
l  1 jl I   li n ll for; and, having accompanied his future
master and Mr. Green downstairs, the
I, ):7^i            latter accomplishing the descent not
without difficulty and contusions, and
Z B  1 A    Xhaving pointed out the way to Mr. Slowcoach's rooms, Mr. Robert Filcher relieved his feelings by indulging in a
ballet of action, or pas d'extase; in
which poetry of motion he declared his
joy at the last valuable addition to Bra=\  ^^< ~   zenface, and his own perquisites.
K~=  8.   Mr. Slowcoach was within, and would
I vit      see Mr. Verdant Green. So that young'- -~ J       gentleman, trembling with agitation, and
=..^ feeling as though he would have given.-~-. \      pounds for the staircase to have been
as high as that of Babel, followed the
c~          _j.__ =_    servant upstairs, and left his father, in
almost as great a state of nervousness,
pacing the quad below. But it was not
the formidable affair, nor was Mr. Slowcoach the formidable man,
that Mr. Verdant Green had anticipated; and by the time that he
had turned a piece of Spectator into Latin, our hero had somewhat recovered his usual equanimity of mind and serenity of expression: and the construing of half a. dozen lines of Livy and Homer,
and the answering of a few questions, was a mere form; for Mr.
Slowcoach's Iong practice enabled him to see in a very few minutes
if the freshman before him (however nervous he might be) had the
usual average of abilities, and was up to the business of lectures. So
Mr. Verdant Green was soon dismissed, and returned to his father
radiant and happy.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN..?
CHAPTER V.
MR. VERDANT GREEN MATRICULATES, AND MAKES A SENSATION.
As they went out at the gate, they inquired of the porter for Mr,
Charles Larkyns, but they found that he had not yet returned from
the friend's house where he had been during the vacation; whereupon Mr. Green said that they would go and look at the Oxford
lions, so that he might be able to answer any of the questions that
should be put to him on his return. They soon found a guide, one
of those wonderful people to which show-places give birth, and of
whom Oxford can boast a very goodly average; and under this gen.
tleman's guidance Mr. Verdant Green made his first acquaintance
with the fair outside of his Alma Mater.




36         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
The short, thick stick of the guide served to direct attention tc
the various objects he enumerated in his rapid career. "This here's
Christ Church College," he said, as he trotted them down St. Aldates,
"built by Card'nal Hoolsy four underd feet long and the famous
Tom Tower as tolls wun underd and wun hevery night that being
the number of stoodents on the foundation;" and thus the guide went
on, perfectly independent of the artificial. trammels of punctuation,
and not particular whether his hearers understood him or not: that
was not his business. And as it was that gentleman's boast that he
" could do the ails, collidges, and principal hedifices in a nour and a
naff," it could not'be expected but that Mr. Green should take back to
Warwickshire otherwise than a slightly confused impression of Oxford.
When he unrolled that rich panorama before his " mind's eye,"
all its component parts
_,> a @,;-r~, ^     were strangely out of place.
^    r;-'ll   yk ^^   I ) ^sh The rich spire of St. Mary's
t    claimed acquaintance with
her poorer sister at the caE~'[~I~'[~.']-D~t'-.I thedral. The cupola of the
f ^                           Tom Tower got into close
quarters with  the hagae
the stately portiodome of the RCadcliffe, theat
Asolen hd given plce to the moshrugged up is great roundll. The
~~~time-hon               shoulders at thbe intrusion
intoof the cross-bred Grec.oGothic tower of All Saints.
The theatre had walked
up to St. Giles's to see
how the Taylor Buildings
_ --— _~_ l[    s   agreed with the University
i~  I$a I   galleries; while the Mar.
"~'~- tyrs' Memorial had stepped
down to Magdalen Bridge,
in time to see the col-. lege taking a walk in the.Botanic  Gardens.   The
Schools and the Bodleian
had set their back against
the stately portico of the Clarendon Press; while the antiquated
Ashmolean had given place to the more modern Townhall.  The
time-honoured, black-looking fiont of University College had changed
into the cold cleanliness of the "classic" facade of Queen's.  Th'
two towers of All Souls', —whose several stages seem to be pulled




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                      37
out of each other like the parts of a telescope,-had, somehiw,
removed themselves;rom the rest of the building, which had gone,
nevertheless, on a tour to Broad Street; behind which, as every
one knows, are the Broad Walk and the Christ Church meadows.
Merton Chapel had got into New quarters; and Wadham had gone
to Worcester for change of air.  Lincoln had migrated from  near
Exster to Pembroke; and Brasenose had its nose quite put out of
joint by St. John's.  In short, if the maps of Oxford are to be
trusted, there had been a general pousset movement among its pub.
lie buildings.
But if such a shrewd and practised observer as Sir Walter Scott,
after a week's hard and systematic sight-seeing, could only say of Ox.
ford, " The time has been much too short to convey to me separate
and distinct ideas of all the variety of wonders that I saw: my memory only at present furnishes a grand but indistinct picture of towers,
and chapels, and oriels, and vaulted halls, and libraries, and paintings;"-if Sir Walter Scott could say this after a week's work, it is
not to be wondered at that Mr. Green, after so brief and rapid a survey of the city at the heels of an unintelligent guide, should feel himself slightly confused when, on his return to the Manor Green, he attempted to give a slight description of the wonderful sights of Oxford.
There was one lion of Oxford, however, whose individuality of
expression was too striking either to be forgotten or confused with
the many other lions around.  Although (as in Byron's Dream)
"A mass of many images
Crowded like waves upon"
Mr. Green, yet clear and distinct through all there ran
" The stream-like windings of that glorious street,"*
to which one of the first critics of the aget has given this high testi.
mony of praise: "the High Street of Oxford has not its equal in
the whole world."
Mr. Green could not, of course, leave Oxford until he had seen
his beloved son in that elegant cap and preposterous gown which
constitute the present academical dress of the Oxford undergraduate;
and to assume which, with a legal right to the same, matriculation
is first necessary. As that amusing and instructive book, the University Statutes, says in its own delightful and unrivalled canine
Latin, " Statutum est, quod nemopro Studente, seu Scholari, habeatur,
nec ulisl Universitatis privilegiis, aut beneficiis," (the cap and gowDn
* Wordsworth, Miscellaneous Sonnets.
t Dr. Waagen, Art and Artists in England.




38         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
of course, being among these,) " gaudeat, nisi qui in aliquod Collb
gium vel Aulam admissus fuerit, et intra quindenam post talem admissionem in matriculam Universitatis fuerit relatus."  So our here
put on the required white tie, and then went forth to complete his
proper costume.
There were so many persons purporting to be "Academical robemakers," that Mr. Green was some little time in deciding who should
be the tradesman favoured with the order for his son's adornment.
At last he fixed upon a shop, the window of which contained a more
imposing display than its neighbours of gowns, hoods, surplices, and
robes of all shapes and colours, from the black velvet-sleeved proc.
tor's to the blushing gorgeousness of the scarlet robe and crimson
silk sleeves of the D.C.L.
"I wish you," said Mr. Green, advancing towards a smirking
individual, who was in his shirt-sleeves and slippers, but in all other
respects was attired with great magnificence,-" I wish you to measure this gentleman for his academical robes, and also to allow him
the use of some to be matriculated in."
"Certainly, sir," said the robe-maker, who stood bowing and
smirking before them,-as Hood expressively says,
"Washing his hands with invisible soap,
In imperceptible water;"^ certainly, sir, if you wish it: but it will scarcely be necessary,
sir; as our custom is so extensive, that we keep a large ready-made
stock constantly on hand."
"Oh, that will do just as well," said Mr. Green; "better, indeed. Let us see some."
" What description of robe would be required?" said the smirking
gentleman, again making use of the invisible soap; " a scholar's?"
"A scholar's!" repeated Mr. Green, very much wondering at
the question, and imagining that all students must of necessity be
also scholars; " yes, a scholar's, of course."
A scholar's gown was accordingly produced: andits deep, wide
sleeves, and ample length and breadth, were soon displayed to some
advantage on Mr. Verdant Green's tall figure. Reflected in a large
mirror, its charms were seen in their full perfection; and when the
delighted Mr. Green exclaimed, "Why, Verdant, I never saw you
look so well as you do now!" our hero was inclined to think that
his father's words were the words of truth, and that a scholar's gown
was indeed becoming.  The tout ensemble was complete when the
cap had been added to the gown; more especially as Verdant put
it on in such a manner that the polite robe-maker was obliged to




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                      38
say, "The hother way, if you please, sir. Immaterial perhaps, but
generally preferred.  In fact, the shallow part is always the fJre.
head,-at least, in Oxford, sir."
While Mr. Green was paying for the cap and gown (N.B. the
money of governors is never refused), the robe-maker smirked, and
said, " Hexcuse the question; but may I hask, sir, if this is the
gentleman that has just gained the Scotland Scholarship?"
"No," replied Mr. Green. " My son has just gained his matriculation, and, I believe, very creditably; but nothing more, as we
only came here yesterday."
" Then I think, sir," said the robe-maker, with redoubled smirks
-" I think, sir, there is a leetle mistake here. The gentleman will be
hinfringing the University statues, if he wears a scholar's gown and
hasn't got a scholarship; and these robes'll be of no use to the gentleman, yet awhile at least. It will be an undergraduate's goow
that he requires, sir."
It was fortunate for,. ^'           OLLE e. CAPsl
It was',,,  A f   LC,V 1c CAPS.B
our hero that the mis-                 CAD
take was discovered so                        W    llli
soon, and could be rec-           I' 
tified without any of 
those unpleasant consequences of iconoclasm
to  which  the  robemaker's infringement of
the "statues" seemed  l              t 11 oly. t, 
to point; but as that                                         il
gentleman put the scholar's gown on one side,
and brought out a commoner's, he might have
been heard to mutter,
"I don't know which is                     /
the freshest, the fresh-         j        /
man or his g v'nor."                                           e
When  Mr. Verdant
Green once more looked
in the glass, and saw
hanging straight from       -           -
his shoulders a yard of
blueish-black stuff, garnished with a little lappet, and two streamers
whose upper parts were gathered into double plaits, he regretted
that he was not indeed a scholar, if it were only for. the privilege o,
wearing so elegant a gown. However, his father smiled approvingly




40          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
the robe-maker smirked judiciously; so he came to the gratifying
conclusion that the commoner's gown was by no means ugly, and
would be thought a great deal of at the Manor Green when he took
it home at the end of the term.
Leaving his hat with the robe-maker, who, with many more
smirks and imaginary washings of the hands, hoped to be favoured
with the gentleman's patronage on future occasions, and begged
further to trouble him with a card of his establishment,-our hero
proceeded with his father along the High Street, and turned round
by St. Mary's, and so up Cat Street to the Schools, where they
made their way to the classic "Pig-market,"* to await the arrival
of the Vice-Chancellor.
When he came, our freshman and two other white-tied fellowfreshmen were summoned to the great man's presence; and there,
in the ante-chamber of the Convocation House,t the edifying and
imposing spectacle of Matriculation was enacted. In the first place,
Mr. Verdant Green took divers oaths, and sincerely promised and
swore that he would be faithful and bear true allegiance to her
Majesty Queen Victoria.  He also professed (very much to his own
astonishment) that he did " from his heart abhor, detest, and abjure,
as impious and heretical, that damnable doctrine and position, that
princes excommunicated or deprived by the pope, or any authority.
of the see of Rome, may be deposed or murdered by their subjects,
or any other whatsoever."  And, having almost lost his breath at
this novel " position," Mr. Verdant Green could only gasp his declaration, "that no foreign prince, person, prelate, state, or potentate,
hath, or ought to have, any jurisdiction, power, superiority, preeminence, or authority, ecclesiastical or spiritual, within this realm."
%When he had sufficiently recovered his presence of mind, Mr. Verdaut Green inserted his name in the University books as " Generosi
fihus natu maximus;" and then signed his name to the Thirty-nine
Articles,-though he did not endanger his matriculation, as Theodore
IHook did, by professing his readiness to sign forty if they wished it!
* The reason why such a name has been given to the Schools' quadrangle
may be found in the following extract from Ingram's Memorids: " The schools
built by Abbot Hokenorton being inadequate to the increasing wants of the
University, they applied to the Abbot of Reading for stone to rebuild them;
and in the year 1532 it appears that considerable sums of money were expended on them; but they went to decay in the latter part of the reign of
Henry VII. and during the whole reign of Edward VI. The change of religion having occasioned a suspension of the usual exercises and scholastic acts
in the University, in the year 1540 only. two of these schools were used by determiners, and within two years after none at all. The whole area between
these schools and the divinity school was subsequently converted into a garden
nd pig-mnarket; and the schools themselves, being completely abandoned bj
the masters and scholars, were used by glovers and laundresses."
t " In apodyterio donui congregationis."




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    41
Then the Vice-Chancellor concluded the performance by presenting to
the three freshmen (in the most liberal manner) three brown-looking
volumes, with these words; "Scitote vos in Matriculam Universitatis hodie relatos esse, sub hac conditione, nempe ut omnia Statuta
hoc libro comprehensa pro virili observetis." And the ceremony was
at an end, and Mr. Verdant Green was a matriculated member ol
the University of Oxford.  He was far too nervous,-from  the
weakening effect of the popes, and the excommunicate princes, and
their murderous subjects,-to be able to translate and understand
what the Vice-Chancellor had said to him, but he thought his present
to be particularly kind; and he found it a copy of the University
Statutes, which he determined forthwith to read and obey.
Though if he had known that he had sworn to observe statutes
which required him, among other things, to wear garments only of
a black or "subfusk" hue; to abstain from that absurd and proud
custom of walking in public in boots, and the ridiculous one of wearf1ji}'S  f2'0W1
ing the hair long;*-statutes, moreover, which demanded of him to
refrain from all taverns, wine-shops, and houses in which they sold
wine or any other drink, and the herb called nicotiana or " iobacco;"
not to hunt wild beasts with dogs or snares or nets; not to carry
crossbows or other " bombarding" weapons, or keep hawks for fowl
e be the Oxford Statutes, tit. xiv. " De vestitu et habitu scholastioo."




42         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
ing; not to frequent theatres or the strifes of gladiators; an r only tt
carry a bow and arrows for the sake of honest recreation;*-if Mr
Verdant Green hadl known that he had covenanted to do this. he
would, perhaps, have felt some scruples in taking the oaths of ma.
tribulation. But this by the way.
Now that Mr. Green had seen all that he wished to see, nothing
remained for him but to discharge his hotel bill.  It was accordingly called for, and produced by the waiter, whose face-by a
visitation of that complaint against which vaccination is usually considered a safeguard-had been reduced to a state resembling the interior half of a sliced muffin. To judge from the expression of Mr.
Green's features as he regarded the document that had been put into
his hand, it is probable that he had not been much accustomed to
Oxford hotels; for he ran over the several items of the bill with
a look in which surprise contended with indignation for the mastery,
while the muffin-faced waiter handled his plated salver, and looked
fixedly at nothing.
Mr. Green, however, refraining from observations, paid the bill;
and, muffling himself in greatcoat and travelling-cap, he prepared
himself to take a comfortable journey back to Warwickshire, inside
the Birminghami and Oxford coach.  It was not loaded in the same
way that it had been when he came up by it, and his fellow passengers were of a very different description; and it must be confessed
that, in the absence of Mr. Bouncer's tin horn, the attacks of intrusive terriers, and the involuntary fumigation of himself with tobacco
(although its presence was still perceptible within the coach), Mr.
Green found his journeyfrom Oxford much more agreeable than it
had been to that place.  He took an affectionate farewell of his soln,
somewhat after the manner of the " heavy fathers" of the stage; and
then the coach bore him away from the last lingering look of our
hero, who felt any thing but heroic at being left for the first time in
his life to.shift for himself.
His luggage had been sent up to Brazenface, so thither he
turned his steps, and with some little difficulty found his room.
Mr. Filcher had partly unpacked his master's things, and had left
every thing uncomfortable and in "the most admired disorder;" and
Mr. Verdant Green sat himself down upon the " practicable" windowseat, and resigned himself to his thoughts.  If they had not already
flown to the Manor Green, they would soon have been carried there;
for a German band,just outside the college-gates, began to play " Home,
sweet home," with that truth and delicacy of expression which thl
i       * >I.t,, tit. xv. " D moribus conformandis."




AN OXFORD BESSN.                        48
wandering minstrels of Germany                   f         ^I 
seem to acquire intuitively. The  
sweet melancholy of the simple     fi /  il
air, as it came subdued by dis-               i 
tance into softer tones, would             i / l1 [    1
have powerfully affected most Wlt
people who had just been torn
from the bosom of their homes, 
to fight, all inexperienced, the   \\ 
battle of life; but it had such
an effect on Mr. Verdant Green,  
that-but it little matters saying  \               d     ) 
what he did; many people will
give way to feelings in private 
that they would stifle in company; and if Mr. Filcher on his
return found his master wiping 
li  spectacles, why that was 
only a simple proceeding which 
all glasses frequently require.
To divert his thoughts, and to impress upon himself and others
the fact that he was an Oxford MAN, our freshman set out for a stroll;
and as the unaccustomed feeling of the gown about his shoulders made
him feel somewhat embarrassed as to,  
the carriage of his arms, he stepped, -
into a shop on the way and purchased.
a light cane, which he considered would  V V           (.'( O
greatly add to the effect of the cap  > ~                  -
and gown.  Armed with this weapon,   ~K
he proceeded to disport himself in the  / /Christ Church meadows, and prome-,nd           i a d t r W
naded up and down the Broad Walk.         /'  
The beautiful meadows lay green  
and bright in the sun; the arching  
trees threw a softened light, and made a  \,  
chequered pavement of the great Broad        A/ 
Walk; "witch-elmsdidcounter-change A  
the floor" of the gravel-walks that   
wound with the windings of the Cher-   ~'
well; the drooping willows were mir- A  
rored in its stream; through openings - 
in the trees there were glimpses of  _                       a
grey old college-buildings; then came.,                  ___
the walk along the banks, the Isis 




44          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
shining like molten silver, and fringed around with barges and boats;
then another stretch of green meadows; then a cloud of steam from
/5<,|1!|tt.N::M;,XD  ";;;




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    45
the railway-station; and a background of gently-rising hills. It was
a cheerful scene, and the variety of figures gave life and animation
to the whole.
Young lI dies and unprotected females were found in abundance,
dressed in all the engaging variety of light spring dresses; and, as
may be supposed, our hero attracted a greal deal of their attention,
and afforded them no small amusement. But the unusual and terrific appearance of a spectacled gownsman with a cane produced the
greatest alarm among the juveniles, who imagined our freshman to
be a new description of beadle or Bogy, summoned up by the exigencies of the times to preserve a rigorous discipline among the young
people; and, regarding his cane as the symbol of his stern sway,
they harassed their nursemaids by unceasingly charging at their
petticoats for protection.
Altogether, Mr. Verdant Green made quite a sensation.
CHAPTEB VI.
MR. VERDANT GREEN DINES, BREAKFISTS, AND GOES TO CHAPEL.
OuR hero c(essed himself with great care, that he might make his
first appearance in Hall with proper eclat; and, having made his
way towards the lantern-surmounted building, he walked up the steps
and under the groined archway with a crowd of hungry undergraduates who were hurrying in to dinner.  The clatter of plates would
have alone been sufficient to guide his steps; and, passing through
one of the doors in the elaborately-carved screen that shut off the
passage and the buttery, he found himself within the hall of Brazen.
face. It was of noble size, lighted by lofty windows, and carried up
to a great height by an open roof, dark (save where it opened to the
lantern) with great oak beams, and rich with carved pendants and
gilded bosses. The ample fire-places displayed the capaciousness of
those collegiate mouths of "the wind-pipes of hospitality," and gave
an idea of the dimensions of the kitchen-ranges. In the centre of
the hall was a huge plate-warmer, elaborately worked in brass with
the college arms. Founders and benefactors were seen, or suggested,
on all sides; their arms gleamed from the windows in all the glories
of stained glass; and their faces peered out from the massive gilt
frames on the walls, as though t.eir shadows loved to linger about
the spot that had been benefited &y their substance.  A  the further




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
end of the hall a deep bay-window threw its painted light upon a
dais, along which stretched the table for the Dons; Masters and
Bachelors occupied side-tables; and the other tables were filled up
by the undergraduates; every one, from the Don downwards, being
in his gown.
Our hero was considerably impressed with the (to him) singular
character of the scene; and from the " Benedictus benedicat" grace.
before-meat to the "Benedicto benedicamur" after-meat, he gazed
curiously around him in silent wonderment. So much indeed was he
wrapped up in the novelty of the scene, that he ran a great risk of
losing his dinner. The scouts fled about in all directions with plates,
and glasses, and pewter dishes, and massive silver mugs that had
gone round the tables for the last two centuries, and still no one'j    I            i i I  i lit  I   I I
waited upon Mr. Verdant Green. He twice ventured to timidlv say,
" Waiter!" but as no one answered to his call, and as he was too
bashful and occupied with his own thoughts to make another attempt,
it is probable that he would have risen from dinner as unsatisfied as
when he sat down, had not his right-hand companion (having partly




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   47
relieved his own wants) perceived his neighbour to be a freshman,
and kindly said to him, "I think you'd better begin your dinner,
because we don't stay here long. What is your sca's name?" And
when he had been told it, he turned to Mr. Filchel and asked him,
"What the doose he meant by not waiting on his master?" which,
with the addition of a few gratuitous threats, had the effect of bring.
ing that gentleman to his master's side, and reducing Mr. Verdant
Green to a state of mind in which gratitude to his wpanion and a
desire to beg his scout's pardon were confusedly blended. Not seeing
any dishes upon the table to select from, he referred to the list, and
fell back on the standard roast-beef.
"I am sure I am very much obliged to you," said Verdant, turning to his friendly neighbour. " My rooms are next to yours, and I
had the pleasure of being driven by you on the coach the other day."
"Oh!" said Mr. Fosbrooke, for it was he; " ah, I remember
you now! I suppose the old bird was your governor,  lie seemed
to think it any thing but a pleasure, being driven by Fo4:in-hnd
Fosbrooke."
"Why, pap-my father-is rather nervous on;.coach," repied
Verdant: " he was bringing me to college for the first time.'"
"Then you are the man that has just come into Smalls' old
rooms?  Oh, I see. Don't you ever drink with your 4nner? Ii
you don't holler for your rascal, he'll never half wat upon you.
Always bully them well at first, and then they'learn- manners."
So, by way of commencing the bullying system without loss of
time, our hero called out very fiercely " Rorert!" and&tGn, as Mr.
Filcher glided to his side, he timidly dropped his tone into a mild
"Glass of water, if you please, Robert."
He felt rather relieved when dinner wasover, and retirede at
once to his own rooms; where making a rather quiet and sudden
entrance, he found them tenanted by an old woman, who 4tirie a.
huge bonnet tilted on the top of her head, and was busily and,biously engaged at one of his open boxes.  " Ahem I" he coughed,
at which note of warning the old lady jumped round very quickly,
and said-dabbing curtseys where there were stops, like the beats
of a conductor's baton,-" Law bless me, sir.,t's beggin your
parding that I am. Not seein' you a comin' in.  6i,'ard of hearin'
from a hinfant.  And havin' my back turned. I P'wst a puttin'
your things to rights, sir. If you please, sir, ILa':Mrs. Tester
Your bedmaker, sir."
"-Oh, thank you," said our freshman, with the shadow of a
suspicion that Mrs. Tester was doing something more than merely
putting to rights" the pots of jam and marmalade, anld the packages of tea and coffee, which his doting mother hlad thoughtfully




48         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEI1,
placed in his box as a provision against immediate distress. " Thank
you."
"I've done my rooms, sir," dabbed Mrs. Tester.  "Which it
thought agreeable, I'd stay and put these things in their places.
Which it certainly is Robert's place.  But I never minds putting
myself out.  As I always perpetually am minded.  So long as 1
can obleege the gentlemen."
So, as our'hero was of a yielding disposition, and could, under
skilful hands, easily be moulded into any form, he allowed Mrs.
Tester to remain, and conclude the unpacking and putting away of
his goods, in which operation she displayed great generalship.
" You've a deal of tea and coffee, sir," she said, keeping time
by curtseys.  " Which it's a great blessin' to have a mother.  And
not to be left dissolute like some gentlemen.  And tea and coffee is
what I mostly lives on. And mortial dear it is to poor folks. And
a package the likes of this, sir, were a blessin' I should never even
dream orn."
" Well, then," said Verdant, in a most benevolent mood, " you
can take one of the packages for your trouble."
Upon this, Mrs. Tester appeared to  be greatly overcome.
"Which I once had a son myself," she said. " And as fine a young
man as you are, sir. With a strawberry mark in the small of his
back.  And: beautiful red whiskers, sir, with a tendency to drink.
Which it were his rewing, and took him to be enlisted for a sojer.
VThen he went across the seas to the West Injies.  And was took
with the yaller fever, and buried there. Which the remembrance,
sir, brings on my spazzums. To which I'm an hafflicted martyr, sir.
And can only be heased with three spots of brandy on a lump of
sugar.  Which your good mother, sir, has put a bottle of brandy.
Along with the jam and the clean linen, sir. As though a purpose
~ for my complaint. Ugh! oh!"
And Mrs. Tester forthwith began pressing and thumping her
sides in such a terrific manner, and appeared to be undergoing such
internal agony, that Mr. Verdant Green not only gave her brandy
there and then, for her.immediate relief,-" which it heases the spazzums deerectly, bless you," observed Mrs. Tester, parenthetically, —
but alsc told her where she could find the bottle, in case she should
again be attacked when in his rooms; attacks which, it is needless
to say, were repeated at every subsequent visit. Mrs. Tester then
finished putting away the tea and coffee, and entered into further
particulars about her late son; though what connection there was
etween him and the packages of tea, our hero could not perceive.
Nevertheless he was much interested with her narrative, and thought
Mirs. Tester a very affectionate, motherly sort of woman; more es.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                      49
pecially, when (Robert having placed his tea-things on the table) she
showed him how to make the tea; an apparently simple feat that
the freshman found himself perfectly unable to accomplish. And
then Mrs. Tester made a final dab, and her exit, and our hero sat
over his tea as long as he could, because it gave an idea of cheerful-.
ness; and then, after directing Robert to be sure not to forget to call
him in time for morning chapel, he retired to bed.
The bed was very hard, and so small, that, had it not been for
the wall, our hero's legs would have been visible (literally) at thefoot; but despite these novelties, he sank into a sound rest, which at
length passed into the following dream.  He thought that he was
back again at dinner at the Manoi Green, but that the room was
curiously like the hall of Brazenface, and that Mrs. Tester and Dr.
Portman were on either side of him, with Mr. Fosbrooke and Robert
talking to his sisters; and that he was reaching his hand to help Mrs.
Tester to a packet of tea, which her son had sent them from the
West Indies, when he threw over a. wax-light, and set every thing
on fire; and that the parish engine came up; and that there was a
great noise, and a loud hammering; and, " Eh? yes! oh! the halfhour is it? Oh, yes! thank you!" And Mr. Verdant Green sprang
out of bed much relieved inmind to find that the alarm of fire was
nothing more than his scout knocking vigorously at his door, and
that it was chapel-time.
"Want any warm water, sir?" asked Mr. Filcher, putting bh
bead in at the door.
3




50         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
" No, thank you," replied our hero; " I-I —"
"Shave with cold.  Ah! I see, sir.  It's much'ealthier, and
makes the'air -grow.  But any thing as you does want, sir, you've
only to call."
"If there is any thing that I want, Robert," said Verdant, " I
will ring.",
"Bless you, sir," observed Mr. Filcher, "there ain't nc bells
never in colleges! They'd be rung off their wires in no time.  Mr.
Bouncer, sir, he uses a trumpet like they does on board ship. By the
same token, that's it, sir I" And Mr. Filcher vanished just in time
to prevent little Mr. Bouncer from finishing a furious solo, from
an entirely new version of Robert le Diable, which he was giving
with novel effects through the medium of a speaking-trumpet.
Verdant found his bed-room inconveniently small; so contracted,
indeed, in its dimensions, that his toilette was not completed without
his elbows having first suffered severe abrasions. His mechanical
turnip showed him that he had no time to lose; and the furious ringing of a bell, whose noise was echoed by the bells of other colleges,
made him dress with a rapidity quite unusual, and hurry down stairs
and across quad. to the chapel steps, up which a throng of students
were hastening. Nearly all betrayed symptoms of having been aroused
from their sleep without having had any spare time for an elaborate
toilette; and many, indeed, were completing it, by thrusting themselves into surplices and gowns as they hurried up the steps.
Mr. Fosbrooke was one of these; and when he saw Verdant cloea




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     51
to him, he benevolently recognised him, and said, "Let me put you
up to a wrinkle. When they ring you up sharp for chapel, don't you
lose any time about your absolutions,-washing, you know; but just
jump into a pair of bags and Wellingtons; clap a top-coat on you,
and button it up to the chin, and there you are, ready dressed in the
twinkling of a bed-post."
Before Mr. Verdant Green could at all comprehend why a person
should jump into two bags, instead of dressing himself in the normal
manner, they went through the ante-chapel, or " Court of the Gentiles," as Mr. Fosbrooke termed it, and entered the choir of the
chapel through a screen elaborately decorated in the Jacobean style,
with pillars and arches, and festoons of fruit and flowers, and bells
and pomegranates.  On either side of the door were two men, who
quickly glanced at each one who passed, and as quickly pricked a mark
against his name on the chapel lists. As the freshman went by, they
made a careful study of his person, and took mental daguerreotypes of
his features.  Seeing no beadle, or pew-opener (or, for the matter of
that, any pews), or any one to direct him to a place, Mr. Verdant




52          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
Green quietly took a seat in the first place that he found empty,
which happened to be the stall on the right hand of the door.  Unconscious of the trespass he was committing, he at once put his cap to
his face and knelt down; but he had no sooner risen from his knees,
than he found an imposing-looking Don, as large as life and quite as
natural, who was staring at him with the greatest astonishment, and
motioning him to immediately " come out of that!" This our hero
did with the greatest speed and confusion, and sank breathless on the
end of the nearest bench; when just as, in his agitation, he had again
said his prayer, the service fortunately commenced, and somewhat
relieved him of his embarrassment.
Although he had the glories of Magdalen, Merton, and New
College chapels fresh in his mind, yet Verdant was considerably
impressed with the solemn beauties of his own college chapel. He
admired its harmonious proportions, and the elaborate carving of its
decorated tracery. He noted every thing: the great eagle that seemed
to be spreading its wings for an upward flight,-the pav ement of
black and white marble, —the dark canopied stalls, rich with the




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN,                   53
later work of Grinling Gibbons,-the elegant tracery of the wmaows;
and he lost himself in a solemn reverie as he looked up at the saintly
forms through which the rays of the morning sun streamed in rainbow tints.
But the lesson had just begun; and the man on Verdant's iight
appeared to be attentively following it. Our freshman, however, could
not help seeing the book, and, nruch to his astonishment, he found
it to be a Livy, out of which his neighbour was getting up his morning's lecture. He was still more astonished, when the lesson had come
to an end, by being suddenly pulled back when he attempted to rise,
and finding the streamers of his gown had been put to a use never intended for them, by being tied round the finial of the stall behind him,
-the silly work of a boyish gentleman, who, in his desire to play ofl
a practical joke on a freshman, forgot the sacredness of the place where
college rules compelled him to show himself on morning parade.
Chapel over, our hero hurried back to his rooms, and there, to his
great joy, found a budget-of letters from home; and surely the little
items of intelligence that made up the news of the Manor Green ha 
never seemed to possess such interest as now! The reading and rereading of these occupied him during the whole of breakfast-time;
and Mr. Filcher found him still engaged in perusing them when he
eame to clear away the things. Then it was that Verdant discovered




54          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
the extended meaning that the word " perquisites" possesse in the
eyes of a scout; for, to a remark that he had made, Robert replied
in a tone of surprise, " Put away these bits o' things as is left; sir 1"
and then added, with an air of mild correction, " you see, sir, yours
fresh to the place, and don't know that gentlemen never likes that
sort o' thing done here, sir; but you gets your commons,,sir, fresh
and fresh every morning and evening, which must be much more
agreeable to the'ealth than a heating of stale bread and such like.
No, sir 1" continued Mr. Filcher, with a manner that was truly
parental, "no, sir I you trust tome, sir, and I'll take care of your!111b i
things, I will."  And from the way that he carried off the eatables.
it seemed probable that' he would make good his words.  But our
freshman felt considerable awe of his scout, and murmuring broken
accents that sounded like "ignorance -customs-University," he endeavoured, by a liberal use of his pocket-handkerchief, to appear as
if he were not blushing.
As Mr. Slowcoach had told him that he would not have to begin
lectures until the following day, and as the Greek play fixed for the
lecture was one, with which he had been made well acquainted by
Mr. Larkyns, Verdant began to consider what he could do with himself; when the thought of Mr. Larkyns suggested the idea that hii




AN' OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     5
son Charles had probably by this time returned to college.  He 4ie
termined therefore at once to go in search of him; and looking out a
letter which the rector had commissioned him to deliver to his son,
he inquired of Robert, if he was aware whether Mr. Charles Larkyns
had come back from his holidays.
"'Ollidays, sir?" said Mr. Filcher.  "Oh! I see, sir! Vacation, you mean, sir.  Young gentlemen as is men, sir, likes to call
their'ollidays by a different name to boys, sir. Yes, sir, Mr. Charles
Larkyns, he come up last arternoon, sir; but he and Mr. Smalls, the
gent as he's been down with this vacation, the same as had these
rooms, sir, they didn't come to'All, sir, but went and had their
dinners comfortable at the Star, sir; and very pleasant they made
theirselves; and Thomas, their scout, sir, has had quite a horder
for sober-water this morning, sir."
With somewhat of a feeling of wonder how one scout contrived to
know so much of the proceedings of gentlemen who were waited on
by another scout, and wholly ignorant of his allusion to his fellowservants' dealings in soda-water, Mr. Verdant Green inquired where
he could find Mr. Larkyns; and as the rooms were but just on the
other side of the quad., he put on his hat, and made his way to them.
The scout was just going into the room, so our hero gave a tap at
the door and followed him.
CHAPTER VII.
MR. VERDANT GREEN CALLS ON A GENTLEMAN WHO "IS LICENSED
TO SELL."
MR. VERDANT GREEN found himself in a room that had a pleasant
look-out over the gardens of Brazenface, from which a noble chestnut
tree brought its pyramids of bloom close up to the very windows.
The walls of the room were decorated with engravings in gilt frames,
their variety of subject denoting the catholic taste of their proprietor.
"The start for the Derby," and other coloured hunting prints, showed
his taste for the field and horse-flesh; Landseer's " Distinguished
Member of the Humane Society," " Dignity and Impudence," and
others, displayed his fondness for dog-flesh; while Byron beauties,
" Amy Robsart," and some extremely au naturel pets of the ballet,
proclaimed his passion for the fair sex in general. Over the fireplace was a mirror (for Mr. Charles Larkyns was not averse to the
reflection of his good-looking features, and was rather glad than
otherwise of "an excuse for the glass"), its frame stuck full of




0G         THE i.DVENTLUIES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
tradesmen's cards and (unpaid) bills, invites, " bits of pasteboard"
pencilled with a mystic " wine," and other odds and ends:-no private
letters though! Mr. Larkyns was too wary to leave his " family
secrets" for the delectation of his scout. Over the mirror was displayed a fox's mask, gazing vacantly from between two brushes;
leaving the spectator to imagine that Mr. Charles Larkyns was a
second Nimrod, and had in some way or other been intimately con.
cerned in the capture of these trophies of the chase. This supposition
of the imaginative spectator would be strengthened by the appearance
of a list of hunting appointments (of the past season) pinned up over
a list of lectures, and not quite in character with the tabular views
of prophecies, kings of Israel and Judah, and the Thirty-nine Articles,
which did duty elsewhere on the walls, where they were presumed
to be studied in spare minutes-which were remarkably spare indeed.
The sporting character of the proprietor of the rooms was further
suggested by the huge pair of antlers over the door, bearing on their
tines a collection of sticks, whips, and spurs; while to prove that
Mr. Larkyns was not wholly taken up by the charms of the chase,
fishing-rods, tandem-whips, cricket-bats, and Joe Mantons, were piled
ap in odd corners; and single-sticks, boxing-gloves, and foils, gracefully arranged upon the walls, showed that he occasionally devoted
himself to athletic pursuits. An ingenious wire-rack for pipes and
meerschaums, and the presence of one or two suspicious-looking
boxes, labelled' collorados,''regalia,''lukotilla,' and with other unknown words, seemed to intimate, that if Mr. Larkyns was no smoker
himself, he at least kept a bountiful supply of'smoke' for his friends;
but the perfumed cloud that was proceeding from his lips as Verdant
entered the room, dispelled all doubts on the subject.
He was much changed in appearance during the somewhat long
interval since Verdant had last seen him, and his handsome features had
assumed a more manly, though perhaps a more rakish look. He was
lolling on a couch in the neglige attire of dressing-gown and slippers,
with his pink striped shirt comfortably open at the neck. Lounging
in an easy chair opposite to him was a gentleman clad in tartan-plaid,
whose face might only be partially discerned through the glass bottom
of a pewter, out of which he was draining the last draught. Between
them was a table covered with the ordinary appointments for a breakfast, and the extra-ordinary ones of beer-cup and soda-water.  Two
Skye terriers, hearing a strange footstep, immediately barked out a
challenge' of " Who goes there?" and made Mr. Larkyns aware that
an intruder was at hand.
Slightly turning his head, he dimly saw through the smoke a
spectacled figure taking off his hat, and holding out an envelope; and




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     57
without looking further, he said, " It's no use coming here, young
man, and stealing a march in this way! I don't owe you any thing;
and if I did, it is not convenient to pay it. I told Spavin not to send
me any more of his confounded reminders; so go back and'ell him
that he'll find it all right in the long-run, and that I'm really going
to read this term, and shall stump the examiners at last. And now,
my friend, you'd better make yourself scarce and vanish! You know
where the door lies!"
Our ihero was so confounded at this unusual manner of receiving
a friend, that he was some little time before he could gasp out, " Why,
Charles Larkyns-don't you remember me     Verdant Green!"
Mr. Larkyns, astonished in his turn, jumped up di.rectly, and
came to him with outstretched hands. "'Pon my word, old fellow,"
he said, " I really beg you ten thousand pardons for not recognising
you; but you are so altered-allow me to add, improved,-since I
last saw you; you were not a bashaw of two tails, then, you know;
and, really, wearing your beaver up, like Hamlet's uncle, I altogether
took you for a dun. For I am a victim of a very remarkable monomania.  There are in this place wretched beings calling themselves
tradesmen, who labour under the impression that I owe them what
3*




58         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
they facetiously term little bills; and though I have frequently assured
their messengers, who are kind enough to come here to inquire for
Mr. Larkyns, that that unfortunate gentleman has been obliged to
hide himself from persecution in a convent abroad, yet the wretches
still hammer at my oak, and disturb my peace of mind. But bring
yourself to an anchor, old fellow! This man is Smalls; a capital
fellow, whose chief merit consists in his devotion to literature; indeed, he reads so hard that he is called a fast man.  Smalls! let me
introduce my friend Verdant Green, a freshman,-ahem!-and the
proprietor, I believe, of your old rooms."
Our hero made a profound bow to Mr. Smalls, who returned it
with great gravity, and said he "had great pleasure in forming the
acquaintance of a freshman like Mr. Verdant Green;" which was doubtless quite true; and he then evinced his devotion to literature by continuing the perusal of one of those vivid and refined accounts of " a
rattling set-to between Nobby Buffer and Hammer Sykes," for which
Tintinnabulum's Life is so justly famous.
"I heard from my governor," said Mr. Larkyns, " that you were
coming up; and in the course of the morning I should have come
and looked you up; but the-the fatigues of travelling yesterday,"
continued Mr. Larkyns, as a lively recollection of the preceding
evening's symposium stole over his mind, " made me rather later
than usual this morning. Have you done any thing in this way?"
Verdant replied that he had breakfasted, although he had not
done any thing in the way of cigars, because he never smoked.
"Never smoked! Is it possible!" exclaimed Mr. Smalls, violently
interrupting himself in the perusal of Tintinnabulum's Life, while
some private signals were rapidly telegraphed between him and Mr.
Larkyns; " ah  you'll soon get the better of that weakness! Now,
as you're a freshman, you'll perhaps allow me to give you a little
advice.  The Germans, you know, would never be the deep readers
that they are, unless they smoked; and I should advise you to go to
the Vice-Chancellor as soon as possible, and ask him for an order for
some weeds.  He'd be delighted to think you are beginning to set
to work so soon!"  To which our hero replied, that he was much
obliged to Mr. Smalls for his kind advice, and if such were the customs of the place, he should do his best to fulfil them.
" Perhaps you'll be surprised at our simple repast, Verdant," said
Mr. Larkyns; " but it's our misfortune.  It all comes of hard reading
and late hours: the midnight oil, you know, must be supplied, and will
be paid for; the nervous system gets strained to excess, and you
have to call in the doctor.  Well, what does he do?  Why, he prescribes a regular course of tonics; and I flatter myself that I am a
very docile patient, and take my bitter beer regularly, and without




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   59
complaining." In proof of which Mr. Charles Larkyns took a long
pull at the pewter.
"But you know, Larkyns," observed Mr. Smalls, "that was
nothing to my case, when I got laid up with elephantiasis on the
biceps of the lungs, and had a fur coat in my stomach!"
"Dear me!" said Verdant sympathisingly; "and was that also
through too much study?"
" Why, of course!" replied Mr. Smalls; "it couldn't have been
any thing vlse-from the symptoms, you know! But then the sweets
of learning surpass the bitters. Talk of the pleasures of the dead
languages, indeed! why, how many jolly nights have you and I,
Larkyns, passed'down among the dead men!"'
Charles Larkyns had just been looking over the letter which
Verdant had brought him, and said, "The governor writes that you'd
like m the me to put you up to the ways of the place, because they afresh
to you, and you are fresh (ahem! very!) to them. Now, I am going
lie  e opu yu ptoth wy o teplce bcus teyae i-s
to ou ad ouar fes (he  1 er!)tothm.No,  a  gin




b6         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
to wine with Smalls to-night, to meet a few nice, quiet, hard-working
men (eh, Smalls?). and I daresay Smalls will do the civil, and ask
you also."
" Certainly!" said Mr. Smalls, who saw a prospect of amusement;
"delighted, I assure you! I hope to see you-after Hall, you know,
— but I hope you don't object to a very quiet party?"
" Oh, dear no!" replied Verdant; " I much prefer a quiet party;
indeed, I have always been used to quiet parties; and I shall be very
glad to come."
" Well, that's settled then," said Charles Larkyns; " and, in the
mean time, Verdant, let us take a prowl about the old place, and I'll
put you up to a thing or two, and show you some of the freshman's
sights. But you must go and get your cap and gown, old fellow, and
then by that time I'll be ready for you."
Whether there are really any sights in Oxford that are more
especially devoted, or adapted, to its freshmen, we will not undertake
to affirm; but if there are, they could not have had a better expositor
than Mr. Charles Larkyns, or a more credible visitor than Mr. Verdant Green.
His credibility was rather strongly put to the test as they turned
into the High Street, when his companion di/<^'^\   ~ rected his attentionto an individual on the opposite side of the street, with a voluminous
gown, and enormous cocked hat profusely
adorned with gold lace.  "I suppose you
know who that is, Verdant?  No! Why,
that's the Bishop of Oxford! Ah, I see,
y      \,,'he's a very different-looking man to what
you had expected; but then these univer"-ll'   sity robes so change the appearance. That
is his official dress, as the Visitor of the
Ashmolean!"
Mr. Verdant Green having " swallowed"
this, his friend was thereby enabled, not
only to use up old "sells," but also to... —..._     draw largely on his invention for new ones.
^^-, —~-.~      ~ Just then, there came along the street, walking in a sort of young procession,-the ViceChancellor, with his Esquire- and Yeoman-bedels. The silver maces,
carried by these latter gentlemen, made them by far the most showy
part of the procession, and accordingly Mr. Larkyns seized the favourable opportunity to point out the foremost bedel, and say, "You sen
that man with the poker and loose cap?  Well, that's the Viek
Chancellor."




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN                       61
"But what does he walk in procession for?"
inquired our freshman. 
"Ah, poor man!" said Mr. Larkyns, "he's
obliged to do it.'Uneasy lies the head that 
wears a crown,' you know; and he can never 
go any where, or do any thing, without carrying
that poker, and having the other minor pokers
to follow him. They never leave him, not even                   
at night. Two of the pokers stand on each side
his bed, and relieve each other every two hours.
So, I need hardly say, that he is obliged to be
a bachelor."
"It must be a very wearisome office," remarked our freshman, who fully believed all that  
was told to him,
"Wearisome, indeed; and that's the reason
why they are obliged to change the Vice-Chancellors so often. It would kill most people, only they are always
selected for their strength,-and height," he added, as a brilliant
idea just struck him.  They. 
had  turned  down Magpie                           t
Lane, and so by Oriel Col-1 j
lege, where one of the fire-,           =
plug notices had caught Mr.                             P -.-  "  F. 1 21t
Larkyns' eye.  ""You see  -i              ^7   FEll
that," he said; "well, that's  i_._
one of the plates they put _               s r  
up to record the Vice's height. I:    I l'' -
F. P. 7 feet, you see: the   -l -- i',1initials of his name,-Fre-  
derick Plumptre!" "                   iI 
"He scarcely seemed so il'                     i l[llli,'
tall as that," said our. hero, I,     r
"though certainly a tall man. j,  I
But the gown makes a differ- I',
ence, I suppose."
"His height was a very
lucky thing for him, however," continued Mr. Larkyns. "I dare say
when you have heard that it was only those who stood high in the
University that were elected to rule it, you little thought of the
true meaning of the term?"
"I certainly never did," said the freshman, innocently; "but I
knew that the customs of Oxford must of course be very different
from those of other places."




62          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
" es you'll soon find that out," replied Mr. Larkyns, mean.
ingly.  "But here we are at Mertori, whose Merton ale is as cele.
brated as Burton ale. You see the man giving in the letters to the,ll LRporter?  WTell, he's one of
their principal men.  Each
college does its own postal
~   1       d  bdepartment; and at Merton
there are fourteen postmasters,* for they get no end of'7~~ilI),~~~~              letters there."
o i  a l long    icth "Oh, yes!" said our hero,
"I remember Mr. Larkyns,
__l_ l —your father, the rector, I
JAld     W  ma perhaps III  inl   mean, telling us that the
son of one Mf his old friends
"~ iiP'iii lll~         had  been a postmaster of
Merton; but I fancied that
he had said it had something to do with a scholarship."
Ah, you see, it's a long while since the governor was here,
and his memory fails him," remarked Mr. Charles Larkyns, very unfilially.  "Let us turn down the Merton fields, and round into St.
Aldate's. We may perhaps be in time to see the Vice come down to
Christ Church."
"What does he go there for?" asked Mr. Verdant Green.
"To wind up the great clock, and put big Tom in order.  Tom
s the bell that you hear at nine each night; the Vice has to see that
he is in proper condition, and, as you have seen, goes out with his
pokers for that purpose."
On their way, Charles Larkyns pointed out, close to Folly Bridge,
a house profusely decorated with figures and indescribable ornaments,
which he informed our freshman was Blackfriars' Hall, where all the
men who had been once plucked were obliged to migrate to; and
that Folly Bridge received its name'from its propinquity to the Hall.
They were too late to see the Vice-Chancellor wind up the clock of
Christ Church; but as they passed by the college, they met two
gownsmen who recognised Mr. Larkyns by a slight nod. " Those are
two Christ Church men," he said, " and noblemen.  The one with
the Skye-terrier's coat and eye-glass is the Earl of Whitechapel, the
Duke of Minories' son.  I dare say you know the other man.  No 
Why, he is Lord Thomas Peeper, eldest son of the Lord Godiva who
taunts our county. I knew him in the field."
"But why do they wear gold tassels to their caps?" inquired the
freshman.
E uihibitioners of Merton College are called "postmasters."




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     63
^ Al," said the ingenious Mr. Larkyns, shaking his l: ea; "I
ba4 rather you'd not have asked me that question, because that's tLe
disgraceful part of the business. But these lords, you see, they will
live at a faster pace than us commoners, who can't stand a chami
pagne breakfast above once a term or so. Why, those gold tassels
are the badges of drunkenness!"*
" Of drunkenness! dear me!"
" Yes, it's very sad, isn't it?" pursued Mr. Larkyns; "and I wonder that Peeper in particular should give way to such things. But
you see how they brazen it out, and walk about as coolly as though
nothing had happened. It's just the same sort of punishment,"
continued Mr. Larkyns, whose inventive powers increased with the
demand that the freshman's gullibility imposed upon them,-" it is just
the same sort of thing that they do with the Greenwich pensioners.
When they have been transgressing the laws of sobriety, you know,
they are made marked men by having to wear a yellow coat as a
punishment; and our dons borrowed the idea, and made yellow tassels
the badges of intoxication.  But for the credit of the University, I'm
glad to say that you'll not find many men so disgraced."
They now turned down the New Road, and came to a strongly
castellated building, which Mr. Larkyns pointed out (and truly) as
Oxford Castle or the Gaol; and he added (untruly), " if you hear
Botany-Bay Colleget spoken of, this is the place that's meant. It's
a delicate way of referring to the temporary sojourn that any undergrad has been forced to make there, to say thathe belongs to BotanyBay College."
They now turned back, up Queen Street and High Street, when,
as they were passing All Saints, Mr. Larkyns pointed out a pale, intellectual looking man who passed them, and said, " That man is
Cram, the patent safety. He's the first coach in Oxford."
"A coach!" said ourfreshman, in some wonder.
"Oh, I forgot you didn't know college-slang. I suppose a royal
* As "Tufts" and "Tuft-hunters" have become "household words," it is
perhaps needless to tell any one that the gold tassel is the distinguishing mark
of a nobleman.
a A name given to Worcester College, from its being the most distant
oolloea




64           THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
mail is the onlygentleman coach that you know of. Why, in Oxfcrd,
a coach means a private tutor, you must know; and those who can't
afford a coach, get a cab-alias a crib,-alias a translation.  You
see, Verdant, you are graduallybeing initiated into Oxford mysteries."
" I am, indeed," said our hero, to whom a new world was opening.
They had now turned round by the west end of St. Mary's, and
were passing Brasenose; and Mr. Larkyns drew Verdant's attention
to the brazen nose that is such a conspicuous object over the entrancegate. " That," said he, " was
-_  ~. —-.   modelled from  a cast of the
-A~il | ~   ~,ui.-q~. Sez>Principal feature of the first
f "lh., Head of the college; and so
"1  S'""'t lmtl   the college was named Brazen-nose.* The nose was formerly used as a place of punishment
for any misbehaving Brazennosian, who had to sit upon it for two
hours, and was not countenanced until he had done so. These punishments were so frequent that they gradually wore down the nose
to its present small dimensions.
This round building," continued Mr. Larkyns, pointing to the
* Although we have a great respect for Mr. Larkyns, yet we strongly suspect that he is intentionally deceiving his friend. He has, however, the benefit
of a doubt, as the authorities differ on the origin and meaning of the word
Brasenose, as may be seen by the following notices, to the last two of which
the editor of Notes and Queries has directed our attention:
" This curious appellation, which, whatever was the origin of it, has been
perpetuated by the symbol of a brazen nose here and at Stamford, occurs with
the modern orthography, but in one undivided word, so early as 1278, in an
inquisition now printed in The Hundred Rolls, though quoted by Wood from
the manuscript record."-Ingram's Memorials of Oxford.
"There is a spot in the centre of the city where Alfred is said to have
lived, and which may be called the native place or river-head of three separate
societies still existing, University, Oriel, and Brasenose. Brasenose claims his
palace, Oriel his church, and University his school or academy. Of these,
Brasenose College is still called in its formal style' the King's Hall,' which is
the name by which Alfred himself, in his laws, calls his palace; and it has its
present singular name from a corruption of brasinium, or brasin-huse, as having
been originally located in that part of the royal mansion which was devoted to
the then important accommodation of a brew-house." — From a Review of
Ingram's Memorials in the British Critic, vol. xxiv. p. 139.
" Brasen Nose Hall, as the Oxford antiquary has shown, may be traced as
far back as the time of Henry III., about the middle of the thirteenth century;
and early in the succeeding reign, 6th Edward I., 1278, it was known by the
name of Brasen Nose Hall, which peculiar namne was undoubtedly owing, as
the same author observes, to the circumstance of a nose of brass affixed to the
gate. It is presumed, however, that this conspicuous appendage of the portal
was not formed of the mixed metal which the word now denotes, but the genuine produce of the mine; as is the nose, or rather face, of a lion or leopard
still remaining at Stamford which also gave name to the edifice it adorned.
And hence, when Henry VIII. debased the coin by an alloy of copper, it was a
common remark or proverb, that' Testons were gone to Oxford, to study in
Braen Nose.' " —Churto's Life of Bishwp Smayt, p. 227.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                       T
coat, and displaI to his admiring colleagues the snowy cords and tb Ve
that would soon be pressing against Tearaway's sides, that gallhnt
animal being then in waiting, with its trusty groom, in the alley at
the back of Brasenface?  And if little Mr. Bouncer, for astute reasons of his own, wished Mr. Slowcoach to believe that he (Mr. B.)
was particularly struck with his (Mr. S.'s) remarks on the force of
Kara in composition, what was to prevent Mr. Bouncer from feigning
to make a note of these remarks by the aid of a cigar instead of an
ordinary pencil?
But besides the regular lectures of Mr. Slowcoach, our hero had
also the privilege of attending those of the Rev. Richard Harmony.
Much learning, though it had not made Mr. Harmony mad, had, at
least in conjunction with his natural tendencies, contributed to make
him extremely eccentric; while to much perusal of Greek and Hebrew mss., he probably owed his defective vision. These infirmities,
instead of being regarded with sympathy, as wounds received by
Mr. Harmony in the classical engagements in the various fields of
literature, were, to Mr. Verdant Green's surprise, much imposed
upon; for it was a favourite pastime with the gentlemen who attended Mr. Harmony's lectures, to gradually raise up the lecture*




80         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
table by a concerted action, and when Mr. Harmony's book had
nearly reached to the level of his nose, to then suddenly drop the
table to its original level; upon which Mr. Harmony, to the immense
gratification of all concerned, would rub his eyes, wipe his glasses,
and murmur, " Dear me! dear me I how my head swims this morning I" And then he would perhaps ring for his servant, and order
his usual remedy, an orange, at which he would suck abstractedly,
nor discover any difference in the flavour even when a lemon was
surreptitiously substituted. And thus he would go on through the
lecture, sucking his orange (or lemon), explaining and expounding in
the most skilful and lucid manner, and yet, as far as the " tablemovement" was concerned, as unsuspecting and as witless as a little
child.
emplary diligence and regularity, but he also duly went to morning
and evening chapel; nor, when Sundays came, did he neglect to turn
his feet towards St. Mary's to hear the University sermons. Their
effect was as striking to him as it probably is to most persons who
have only been accustomed to the usual services of country churches,
First, there was the peculiar character of the congregation: down




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                       81
below, the vice-chancellor in his throne, overlooking the other dins
in their stalls (being "a complete realisation of stalled Oxon "' as
Charles Larkyns whispered to our hero), who were relieved in colour
by their crimson or scarlet hoods; and then, "upstairs," in the north
/I   IiijijI1E
and the great west galleries, the black mass of undergraduates; while
a few ladies' bonnets and heads of male visitors peeped from the pews
in the aisles, or looked out from the curtains of the organ-gallery,
where, "by the kind permission of Dr. Elvey," they were accommo,
dated with seats, and watched with wonder, while
"The wild wizard's fingers,
With magical skill,
Made music that lingers
In memory still."
4*




82         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
Then there was the bidding-prayer, in which Mr. Verdant Green
was somewhat astonished to hear the long list of founders and benefactors, " such as were, Philip Pluckton, Bishop of Iffley; King Edward the Seventh; Stephen de Henley, Earl of Bagley, and Maud
his wife; Nuneham  Courtney, knight," with a long et-cetera;
though, as the preacher happened to be a Brazenface man, our hero
found that he was " most chiefly bound to praise Clement Abingdon,
Bishop of Jericho, and founder of the college of Brazenface; Richard
Glover, Duke of Woodstock; Giles Peckwater, Abbot of Oseney; and
Binsey Green, Doctor of Music;-benefactors of the same."
Then there was the sermon itself; the abstrusely learned and
classical character of which, at first, also astonished him, after having
been so long used to the plain and highly practical advice which the
rector, Mr. Larkyns, knew how to convey so well and so simply to
his rustic hearers.  But as soon as he had reflected on the very
different characters of the two congregations, Mr. Verdant Green at
once recognised the appropriateness of each class of sermons to its
peculiar hearers; yet he could not altogether drive away the thought,
how the generality of those who had on previous Sundays been his
fellow-worshippers would open their lDue Saxon eyes, and ransack
their rustic brains, as to " what could ha' come to rector," if he were
to indulge in Greek and Latin quotations,-somewhat after the following style. " And though this interpretation may in these days be
disputed, yet we shall find that it was once very generally received.
For the learned St. Chrysostom is very clear on this point, where he
says,'Arma virumque cano, rusticus expectat, sub tegmine fagi;'
of which the words of Irenaeus are a confirmation, -  OTroroTo,'araTrarEpa4,'rcXvqXoioffoo OaXactr/s."  Our hero, indeed, could
not but help wondering what the fairer portion of the congregation
made of these parts of the sermons, to whom, probably, the sentences
just quoted would have sounded as full of meaning as those tL 
really heard.
" Hallo, Gig-lamps!" said the cheery voice of little Mr. Bouncer,
as he looked one morning into Verdant's rooms, followed by his two
bull-terriers; " why don't you sport something in the dog line? Something in the bloodhound or tarrier way. Ain't you fond o' dogs?"
" Oh, very!" replied our hero. " I once had a very nice one,-a
King Charles."
"Oh!" observed Mr. Bouncer, " one of them beggars that you
have to feed with spring-chickens, and get up with curling tongs.
Ah! they're all very well in their way, and do for women and carriageexercise; but give me this sort of thing!" and Mr. Bouncer patted one
of his villanous-looking pets, who wagged his corkscrew tail in'reply.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     88
"Now, these are beauties, and no mistake! What yoa call useful
and ornamental; ain't you, Buzzy? The beggars are brothers; so I
call them Huz and Buz: —Huz his first-born, you know, and B'uz his
brother."
"I should like a dog," said Verdant; " but where could I keep
one?"
"Oh, anywhere!" replied Mr. Bouncer confidently.  "I keep
these beggars in the little shop for coal, just outside the door. It
ain't the law, I know; but what's the odds as long as they're happy?
They think it no, end of a lark.  I once had a Newfunland, and
tried him there; but the obstinate brute considered it too small for
him, and barked himself in such an unnatural manner, that at last
he'd got no wool on the top of his head,-just the place where the
wool ought to grow, you know; so I swopped the beggar to a Skim 
mery* man for a regular slap-up set of pets of the ballet, framed and
glazed, petticoats and all, mind you. But about your dog, Giglamps:-that cupboard there would be just the ticket; you could
put him under the wine-bottles, and then there'd be wine above and
whine below.  Videsne puer? D'ye twig, young'un? But if you're
squeamish about that, there are heaps of places in the town where
you could keep a beast."
So, when our hero had been persuaded that the possession of an
animal of the terrier species was absolutely necessary to a University man's existence, he had not to look about long without having
the void filled up. Money will in most places procure any thing, from
a grant of arms to a pair of wooden legs; so it is not surprising if, in
Oxford, such an every-day commodity as a dog can be obtained
through the medium of " filthy lucre;" for there was a well-known
dog-fancier and proprietor, whose surname was that of the rich substantive just mentioned, to which had been prefixed the "filthy" adjective, probably for the sake of euphony. As usual, Filthy Lucre
was clumping with his lame leg up and down the pavement just in
front of the Brazenface gate, accompanied by his last " new and extensive assortment" of terriers of every variety, which he now pulled
up for the inspection of Mr. Verdant Green.
" Is it a long-aird dawg, or a smooth'un, as you'd most fancy?"
inquired Mr. Lucre. " Har, sir!" he continued, in a flattering tone,
as he saw our hero's eye dwelling on a Skye terrier; " I see you're
a gent as does know a good style of dawg, when you see'un! It
ain't often as you see a Skye sich as that, sir! Look at his colour,
sir, and the way he looks out of his'air! He answers to the name
of Mop, sir, in consekvence of the length of his'air; and he's cheap
* Oxford slang for "St. Mary's HalL"




84          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
as dirt, sir, at four-ten! It's a throwing of him away at the price'.
and I shouldn't do it, but I've got more dawgs than I've room for;
so I'm  obligated to make a sacrifice.  Four-ten, sir!'Ad the distemper, and everythink, and a reg'lar good'un for the varmin."
His merits also being testified to by Mr. Larkyns and Mr. Bouncez
(who was considered a high authority in canine matters), and Verdant
also liking the quaint appearance of the dog, Mop eventually became his property, for "four-ten" minus five shillings, but plus a
pint of Buttery-beer, which Mr. Lucre always pronounced to be cus.
tomary "in all dealins whatsumever atween gentlemen."  Verdant
was highly gratified at possessing a real University dog, and he pattec
Mop, and said, " Poo dog' poo Mop! poo fellow then!" and thought
what a pet Wis sisters would make of him when he took him back
home with him for the holi-the Vacation!
Mop was for following Mr. Lucre, who had clumped away up the
street; and his new master had some difficulty in keeping him at hil
heels.  By Mr. Bouncer's advice, he at once took him over the river
to the field opposite the Christ Church meadows. in order to tes hi




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
rat-killing powers   How this could be done out in the open country,
our hero was at a loss to know; but he discreetly held his tongue, for
he was gradually becoming aware that a freshman in Oxford must
live to learn, and that, as with most men, experientia docet.
They had just been punted over the river, and Mop had been
restored to terra firma, when Mr. Bouncer's remark of " There's the
cove that'll do the trick for you!" directed Verdant's attention to an
individual, who, from his general appearance, might have been first
cousin to " Filthy Lucre," only that his live stock was of a different
description.  Slung from his shoulders was a large but shallow wire
cage, in which were about a dozen doomed rats, whose futile endea.
yours to make their escape by running up the sides of their prison
were regarded with the most intense earnestness by a group of terriers, who gave way to various phases of excitement. In his hand
he carried a smaller circular cage, containing two or three rats for
immediate use.  On the receipt of sixpence, one of these was liberated; and a few yards start being (sportsmanlike) allowed, the speculator's terrier was then let loose, joined gratuitously, after a short
interval, by a perfect pack in full cry, with a human chorus of " Hoo
rat -I  Too loo! loo dog!"  The rat turned, twisted, doubled, be.




86         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
came confused, was overtaken, and, with one grip and a shake, was
dead; while the excited pack returned to watch and jump at the
wire cages until another doomed prisoner was tossed forth to them.
Gentlemen on their way for a walk were thus enabled to wile away
t few minutes at the noble sport, and indulge themselves and their
dogs with a little healthy excitement; while the boating costume of
other gentlemen showed that they had for a while left aquatic pur.
suits, and had strolled up from the river to indulge in " the sports of
the fancy."
Although his new master invested several sixpences on Mop's
behalf, yet that ungrateful animal, being of a passive temperament of
mind as regarded rats, and a slow movement of body, in consequence
of his long hair impeding his progress, rather disgraced himself by
allowing the sport to be taken from his very teeth. But he still
further disgraced himself, when he had been taken back to Brazenface, by howling all through the night in the cupboard where he had
been placed, thereby setting on Mr. Bouncer's two bull-terriers, Huz
and Buz, to echo the sounds with redoubled fury from their coal-hole
quarters; thus causing less of sleep and a great outlay of Saxon expletives to all the dwellers on the staircase. It was in vain that our
hero got out of bed and opened the cupboard-door, and said, " Poo
Mop! good dog, then!" it was in vain that Mr. Bouncer shied boots
at the coal-hole, and threatened Huz and Buz with loss of life; it
was in vain that the tenant of the attic, Mr. Sloe, who was a reading-man, and sat up half the night, working for his degree,-it was
in vain that he opened his door, and mildly declared (over the banisters), that it was impossible to get up Aristotle while such a noise
was being made; it was in vain that Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke,
whose rooms were on the other side of Verdant's, came and administered to Mop severe punishment with a tandem-whip (it was a
favourite boast with Mr. Fosbrooke, that he could flick a fly from his
leader's ear); it was in vain to coax Mop with chicken-bones: he
would neither be bribed nor frightened; and after a deceitful lull of
a few minutes, just when every one was getting to sleep again, his
melancholy howl would be raised with renewed vigour, and Huz and
Buz would join for sympathy.
"I tell you what, Gig-lamps," said Mr. Bouncer the next morning; " this game'11 never do. Bark's a very good thing to take in
its proper way, when you're in want of it, and get it with port wine;
but when you get it by itself and in too large doses, it ain't pleasant,
you know.  Huz and Buz are quiet enough, as long as they're let
alone; and I should advise you to keep Mop down at Spavin's stables,
or somewhere.  But first, just let me give the brute the hiding he
deserves."




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   87
Poor Mop underwent his punishment like a martyr; and in the
course of the day an arrangement was made with Mr. Spavin for
Mop's board and lodging at his stables. But when Verdant called
there the next day, for the purpose of taking him for a walk, there
was no Mop to be found; taking advantage of the carelessness oi
one of Mr. Spavin's men, he had bolted through the open door, and
made his escape. Mr. Bouncer, at a subsequent period, declared thai
he met Mop in the company of a well-known Regent-street fancier;
but, however that may be, Mop was lost to Mr. Verdant Green.
CHAPTER X.
MR. VERDANT GREEN REFORMS HIS TAILORS' BILLS AND RUNS US
OTHERS. HE ALSO APPEARS IN A RAPID ACT OF HORSEMANSHIP,
AND FINDS ISIS COOL IN SUMMER.
THE state of Mr. Verdant Green's outward man had long offended
Mr. Charles Larkyns' more civilised taste; and he one day took occasion delicately to hint to his friend, that it would conduce more to
his appearance as an Oxford undergraduate, if he foreswore the pri
mitive garments that his country-tailor had condemned him to wear,
and adapted the " build" of his dress to the peculiar requirements
of university fashion.
Acting upon this friendly hint, our freshman at once betook him
self to the shop where he had bought his cap and gown, and found
its proprietor making use of the invisible soap and washing hi; hands
in the imperceptible water, as though he had not left off that act of
imaginary cleanliness since Verdant and his, father had last seen him.
"Oh, certainly, sir; an abundant variety," was his reply to
Verdant's question, if he could show him any patterns that were
fashionable in Oxford. " The greatest stock hout of London, I should
say, sir, decidedly. This is a nice unpretending, gentlemanly thing,
sir, that we make up a good deal 1" and he spread a shaggy substance
before the freshman's eyes.
" What do you make it up for?" inquired our hero, who thought
it more nearly resembled the hide of his lamented Mop than any
other substance.
" Oh, morning garments, sir! Reading and walking-coats, for
erudition and the promenade, sir! Looks well with vest of the same
material, sprinkled down with coral currant buttons! We've some




88          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
sweet things in vests, sir; and some neat, quiet trouserings, that [Pm
sure would give satisfaction." And the tailor and robe-maker, be,
tween washings with the invi.
A_ __ JIl.-d  _             sible soap, so visibly" soaped".....Q 1_ ^~p~~_~ _ __    our hero in what is understood
1-l l     IN }^  hE  ll;i       to be the shop-sense of the, ej (jnaa L:    t0   f~i tl word, and so surrounded him
t!i. ~I. ^,   \  -T I. l'!  with a perfect irradiation of
11' I l  S   aggressive patterns of oriental
\)' —.N^I^\  ^i~l~gorgeousness, that Mr. VerI'       -;  dant  Green  became  bewil-'i i?'' ~'~            dered, and finally made choice
of one of the unpretending
gentlemanly Mop-like  coats,
1 /   In'- and  "vest and trouserings"
of a neat, quiet, plaid-pattern,
|11 }9     7in red and green, which, he,
was informed, were all the',:'~~ ~~Tl When these had been sent
home to him, together with a
t~7;i-^^  J —l/^l% fl)            neck-tie of Oxford-blue'front
Randall's, and an immaculate'guinea Lincoln- and -Bennett,
__________j    our hero was delighted with
^ ~^m ^^ l ~^7' \; }the general effect of the cos11' —----—';.  ~      tume; and after calling in at
(i the tailor's to express his approbation, he at once sallied
forth to "do the High," and display his new purchases. A drawn silk
bonnet of pale lavender, from which floated some bewitching ringlets,
quickly attracted our hero's attention; and the sight of an arch,
French-looking face, which (to his short-sighted imagination) smiled
apon him  as the young lady rustled by, immediately plunged him
into the depths of first-love.  Without the slightest encouragement
being given him, he stalked this little deer to her lair, and, after
some difficulty, discovered the enchantress to be Mademoiselle Mous.
lin de Laine, one of the presiding goddesses of a fancy hosiery
warehouse.  There, for the next fortnight,-until which immense
period his ardent passion had not subsided,-our hero was daily to
be seen purchasing articles for which he had no earthly use, but
fully recompensed for his outlay by the artless (ill-natured people.
said, artful) smiles, and engaging, piquant conversation of made.
moiselle.  Our hero, when reminded of this at a subsequent period




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     89
prtested that he had thus acted merely to improve his French,
and only conversed with mademoiselle for educational purposes. But
we have our doubts.  Credat Judceus!
About this time also
our hero laid the nest-    
eggs for a very promis-'A 
ing brood of bills, by   \\   
acquiring an expensive   1  J   /'
habit of strolling into
shops, and purchasing    1 
"an extensive assort-                               1
ment of articles of every G1   T
description," for no other.:     "
consideration than that 11 
he should not be called'  
upon to pay for them
until.-he'had taken his
degree.  He also deco-.,
rated the walls of his.
rooms with choice spe- P   
cimens of engravings: 
foi the turning over of    -
portfolios at Ryman's,/ 
and  Wyatt's, usually
leads to the eventual
turning over oi a considerable amount of cash; and our hero had
not yet become acquainted with the cheaper circulating-system of
pictures, which gives you a fresh set every term, and passes on
your old ones to some other subscriber. But, in the mean time,it is very delightful, when you admire any thing, to be able to
say, " Send that to my room!". and to be obsequiously obeyed, " no
questions asked," and no payment demanded; and as for the future,
why-as Mr. Larkyns observed, as they strolled down the High" I suppose the bills will come in some day or other, but the governor
will see to them; and though he may grumble and pull a long face,
yet he'll only be too glad you've got your degree, and, in the fulness
of his heart, he will open his cheque-book.  I daresay old Horace
gives very good advice when he says,' carpe diem;' but when h6
adds,   quam minimum credula postero,'* about " not giving the
least credit to the succeeding day," it is clear that he never looked
forward to the Oxford tradesmen and the credit-system.  Do you
ever read Wordsworth, Verdant?" continued Mr. Larkyns, as
Car. i. od. i.




90          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
they stopped at the corner of Oriel Street, to look in at a spacious
range of shop windows, that were crowded with a costly and glittering profusion of papier mache articles, statuettes, bronzes, glass,
and every kind of "fancy goods" that could be classed as "art-workmanship."
"Why, I've not read muc  of Wordsworth myself," replied our
hero; " but I've heard my sister Mary read a great deal of his
poetry."
"Shows her taste," said Charles Larkyns.  "Well, this shop
-you see the name-is  Spiers'; and Wordsworth, in his sonnet to
Oxford, has immortalised him.  Don't you remember the lines?-' 0 ye Spiers of Oxford! your presence overpowers
The soberness of reason!'*
It was very queer that Wordsworth should ascribe to Messrs. Spiers
* We suspect that Mr. Larkyns is again intentionally deceiving his freshman friend; for on looking into our Wordsworth (Misc. Son. iii. 2) we find that
the poet does not refer to the establishment of Messrs. Spiers and Son, and that
the lines, truly quoted, are,
" 0 ye spires of Oxford! domes and towers!
Hardens and groves! Your presence," &c.
We blush for Mr. Larkyns!
manften; fr n ookngino or  orswoth(Msc.So. ii' 2 w fid ha
th petdesitt eertoth  stblsmet f  esr. pir ad oD  udti~




AN OXFOI D FRESHMAN.                    91
all the intoxication of the place; but thei he was a Cambridge man,
and prejudiced.  Nice shop, though, isn't it?  Particulary useful,
and no less ornamental. It's one of the greatest lounges of the place
Let us go in and have a look at what Mrs. Caudle calls the'articles
of bigotry and virtue."
Mr. Verdant Green was soon deeply engaged in an inspection of
those papier-mache " remembrances of Oxford" for which the Messrs.
cpiers are so justly famed; but after turning over tables, trays,
screens, desks, albums, portfolios, and other things,-all of which
displayed views of Oxford from every variety of aspect, and were
executed with such truth and perception of the higher qualities of
art, that they formed in themselves quite a small but gratuitous
Academy exhibition,-our hero became so confused among the bewildering allurements around him, as to feel quite an.embarras de
richesses, and to be in a state of mind in which he was nearly giving
Mr. Spiers the most extensive (and expensive) order which probably
that gentleman had ever received from, an undergraduate. Fortunately for his purse, his attention was somewhat distracted by per.
ceiving that Mr. Slowcoach was at his elbow, looking over inkstands antl reading-lamps, and also by Charles Larkyns calling upon
him to decide whether he should have the cigar-case he ihd purchased emblazoned with the heraldic device of the Larkyns, or illuminated with the Euripidean motto,To /3aKXLcov UpqrlpE  aa Xae, fe yap o1\w.
When this point had been decided, Mr. Larkyns proposed to Verdant that he should astonish and delight his governor by having the
Green arms emblazoned on a fire-screen, aid taking it home with
him as a gift.  "Or else," he said, " order one with the garden viev:
of Brazenface, and then they'll have more satisfaction in looking at
that than at one of those offensive-cockatoos, in an arabesque landscape, under a bronze sky, which usually sprawls over every thing
that is papier-mache.  But you won't see that sort of thing here;
so you can't well go wrong, whatever you buy." Finally, Mr. Verdant Green (N.B. Mr. Green, senior, would have eventually to pay
the bill) ordered a fire-screen to be prepared with the family-arms
as a present for his father; a ditto, with the view of his college, for
his mother; a writing-case, with the High Street view, for his aunt;
a netting-box, card-case, and a model of the Martyrs' Memorial, for
his three sisters; and having thus bountifully remembered his familycircle, he treated himself with a modest paper-knife, and was treated
in return by Mr. Spiers with a perfect bijou of art, in the shape of " a
memorial for visitors to Oxford," in which the chief glories of that




92         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
city were set forth in gold and colours, in the most attractive far
and which our hero immediately posted off to the Manor Green.
"And now, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, " you may just as well
get a hack, and come for a ride with me. You've kept up your
riding, of course."
"Oh, yes-a little!" faltered our hero.
Now, the reader may perhaps remember, that in an early part of
our veracious chronicle we hinted that Mr. Verdant Green's equestrian performances were but of a humble character.  They were, in
fact, limited to an occasional ride with his sisters when they required
a cavalier; but on these occasions, the old cob, which Verdant called
his own, was warranted not to kick, or plunge, or start, or do any
thing derogatory to its age and infirmities. So that Charles Larkyns'
proposition caused him some little nervous agitation; nevertheless, as
he was ashamed to confess his fears, he, in. a moment of weakness,
consented to accompany his friend.
"We'll go to Symonds'," said Mr. Larkyns; "I keep my hack
there; and you can depend upon having a good one."
So they made their way to Holywell Street, and turned under a
gateway, and up a paved yard, to the stables. The upper part of the
yard was littered down with straw, and covered in by a light, open
roof; and in the stables there was accommodation for a hundred horses.
At the back of the stables, and separated from the Wadham Gardens
by a narrow lane, was a paddock; and here they found Mr. Fosbrooke, and one or two of his friends, inspecting the leaping abilities
of a fine hunter, which one of the stable-boys was taking backwards
and forwards over the hurdles and fences erected for that purpose.
The horses were soon ready, and Verdant summoned up enough
courage to say, with the Count in Mazeppa, " Bring forth the steed!"
And when the steed was brought, in all the exuberance of (literally)
animal spirits, he felt that he was about to be another Mazeppa, and
perform feats on the back of a wild horse; and he could not help
saying to the ostler, " He looks rather-vicious, I'm afraid!"
" Wicious, sir," replied the groom; " bless you, sir! she's as sweettempered as' any young ooman you ever paid your intentions to.
The nrare's as quiet a mare as was ever crossed; this ere's ony her
play at comin' fresh out of the stable!"
Verdant, however, had a presentiment that the play would soon
become earnest; but he seated himself in the saddle (after a short
delirious dance on one toe), and in a state of extreme agitation, not
to say perspiration, proceeded at a walk, by Mr. Larkyns' side, up
Holywell Street.  Here the mare, who doubtless soon understood
what sort of rider she had got on her back, began to be more de.
monstrative of the " fresh"ness of her animal spirits. Broad Street




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    93
was scarcely broad enough to contain the series of tableaux vivant#
and heraldic attitudes that she assumed.  "Don't pull the curb-rein
so!" shouted Charles Larkyns; but Verdant was in far too dreadful
a state of mind to understand what he said, or even to know which
was  the  curb - rein;
and after convulsively   r                          f.
clutching at the mane    11 ~!i_!T    )
and the pommel, in his  "                            ^
seat, he first " lost his  I  /j'        1
head, and then his seat,                    1 
and ignominiously gliding ever the mare's tail,        "
found that his lodging     - -
was on the cold ground.  
Relieved of her burden,-''L
the mare quietly trotted "                At,
back to  her stables, 
while Verdant, finding       l  X.       _
himself unhurt, got up,
replaced his hat and  /spectacles, and  regis-_ - 
tered a mental vow
never to mount an Oxford hack again.        A_                  _.
"Never mind, old                                                   \
fellow!" said Charles
Larkyns, consolingly; "these little accidents will occur, you know,
even with the best-regulated riders! There were not more than a
dozen ladies saw you, though you certainly made very creditable
exertions to ride over one or two of them. Well! if you say you
won't go back to Symonds', and get another hack, I must go on
solus; but I shall see you at the Bump-supper to-night I I got old
Blades to ask you to it.  I'm going now in search of an appetite,
and I should advise you to take a turn round the Parks and do the
same.  Au reservoir 1"
So our hero, after he had compensated the livery-stable keeper,
followed his friend's advice, and strolled round the neatly-kept'
potato-gardens denominated "the Parks," looking in vain for the
deer that have never been there, and finding them represented only
by nursery-maids and-others.
Mr. Blades, familiarly known as " old Blades" and " Billy," was
a gentleman who was fashioned somewhat after the model of the




94         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
torso of Hercules; and, as Stroke of the Brazenface boat, was held in
high estimation, not only by the men of his own college, but also by
the boating men of the University at large. His University existence
seemed to be engaged in one long struggle, the end and aim of which
was to place the Brazenface boat in that envied position known in
aquatic anatomy as "the head of the river;" and in this struggle
all Mr. Blades' energies of mind and body,-though particularly of
body,-were engaged. Not a freshman was allowed to enter Brazenface, but immediately Mr. Blades' eye was upon him; and if the expansion of the upper part of his coat and waistcoat denoted that his
muscular development of chest and arms was of a kind that might
be serviceable to the great object aforesaid-the placing of the Brazenface boat at the head of the river,-then Mr. Blades came and
made flattering proposals to the new-comer to assist in the great
work. But he was also indefatigable, as secretary to his college
club, in seeking out all freshmen, even if their thews and sinews were
not muscular models, and inducing them to aid the glorious cause by
hecomingmembers of the club. A Bump-supper,-that is, 0 ye unin.
itiated! a supper to commemorate the fact of the boat of one college
having, in the annual races, bumped, or touched the boat of another
college immediately in its front, thereby gaining a place towards the
bead of the river,-a Bump-supper was a famous opportunity for dis.
covering both the rowing and paying capabilities of freshmen, who,
i the enthusiasm of the moment, would put down their two or thr




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 9.
guineas and at once propose their names to be enrolled as member
at the next meeting of the club.
And thus it was with Mr. Verdant Green, who, before the evening was over, found that he had not only given in his name (" pro
posed by Charles Larkyns, Esq., seconded by Henry Bouncer, Esq."),
but that a desire was burning within his breast to distinguish himself
in aquatic pursuits. Scarcely any thing else was talked of during the
whole evening but the prospective chances of Brazenface bumping
Balliol and Brasenose, and thereby getting to the head of the river.
It was also mysteriously whispered, that Worcester and Christ Church
were doing well, and might prove formidable; and that Exeter, Lincoln, and Wadham were very shady, and not doing the things that
were expected of them.  Great excitement too was caused by the
announcement, that the Balliol stroke had knocked up, or knocked
down, or done something which Mr. Verdant Green concluded he
ought not to have done; and that the Brazenose bow had been seen
with a cigar in his mouth, and also eating pastry in Hall,-things
shocking in themselves, and quite contrary to all training principles.
Then there were anticipations of Henley; and criticisms on the new
eight out-rigger that Searle was laying down for the University crew,
and comparisons between somebody's stroke and somebody else's
spurt; and a good deal of reference to Clasper and Coombes, and
Newall and Pococke, who might have been heathen deities for all
that our hero knew, and from the manner in which they were mentioned.
The aquatic desires that were now burning in Mr. Verdant
Green's breast could only be put out by the water; so to the river
ae next day went, and, by Charles Larkyns' advice, made his first
essay in a "tub" from Hall's.  Being a complete novice with the
oars, our hero had no sooner pulled off his coat and given a pull, than
he succeeded in catching a tremendous " crab," the effect of which
was to throw him backwards, and almost to upset the boat. Fortu.
nately, however, "tubs" recover their equilibrium almost as easily as
tombolas, and " the Sylph" did not belie its character; so the freshman again assumed a proper position, and was shoved off with a boathook. At first he made some hopeless splashes in the stream, the
only effect of which was to make the boat turn with a circular movement towards Folly Bridge; but Charles Larkyns at once came to
the rescue with the simple but energetic compendium of boating in.
struction, " Put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a jerk!"
Bearing this in mind, our hero's efforts met with well-mented
success; and he soon passed that mansion which, instead of cellars,
appears to have an ingenious system of small rivers to thoroughly
irrigate its foundations. One by one, too, he passed those house




96         TTSE ADVENTREES OF MR, VERILANT  REEN,
boats which are more like the Noah's arks of:oy-shops than any
thing else, and sometimes coitain quite as original a mixture of
animal specimens.  Warming with his exertions, Mr. Verdant Green
passed the University barge in great style, just as the eight was preparing to start; and though he was not able to "feather his oars
with skill and dexterity," like the jolly young waterman in the song,
yet his sleight-of-hand performances with them proved nut only a
source of great satisfaction to the crews on the river, but also to the
promenaders on the shore.
He had left the Christ Church meadows far behind, and was beginning to feel slightly exhausted by his unwonted exertions, when
he reached that bewildering part of the river termed " the Gut." So
confusing were the intestine commotions of this gut, that, after passing
a chequered existence as an aquatic shuttlecock, and being assailed
with a slang-dictionary-full of opprobrious epithets, Mr. Verdant
Green caught another tremendous crab, and before he could recover
himself, the " tub" received a shock, and, with a loud cry of " Boat
ahead 1" ringing in his ears, the University Eight passed over the
place where he and " the Sylph" had so lately disported themselves.
With the wind nearly knocked out of his body by the blade of
the bow-oar striking him on the chest as he rose to the surface, our
unfortunate hero was immediately dragged from the water, in a condition like that of the child in The Stranger (the only joke, by the
way, in that most dreary play) " not dead, but very wet!" and forthwith placed in safety in his deliverer's boat.
" Hallo, Gig-lamps! who the doose had thought of seeing you
here, devouring Isis in this expensive way 1" said a voice very coolly.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                    97
And our hero found that he had been rescued by little Mr. Bouncer,
who had been tacking up the river in company with Huz and Buz
and his meerschaum, "You have been and gone and done it now,
young man I" continued the vivacious little gentleman, as he surveyed
our hero's draggled and forlorn condition.  " If you'd only a comb
and a glass in your hand, you'd look distressingly like a cross-breed
with a mermaid! You ain't subject to the whatdyecallems-the
rheumatics, are you?  Because, if so, I could put you on shore at a
p w           y   c    
tidy little shop where you can get a glass of brandyand-water, and
have youir clothes dried; and then mamma won't scold."
" Indeed," chattered our hero, " I shall be very glad indeed; for
I feel-rather cold.  But what am I to do with my boat?"
" Oh, the Lively Polly, or whatever her name is, will find her
way back safe enough.  There, are plenty of boatmen on the river
who'll see to her and take her back to her owner; and if you got
her from Hall's, I daresay she'll dream that she's dreamt in marble
halls, like you did, Gig-lamps, that night at Smalls', when you got
wet in rather a more lively style than you've done to-day. Now I'll
tack you up to that little shop I told you of."
So there our hero -was put on shore, and Mr. Bouncer made fast
5




9    THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
his boat and accompanied him; and did not leave him until Le ha6
seen him between the blankets, drinking a glass of hot brandy-andwater, the while his clothes were smoking before the fire.
This little adventure (for a time at least) checked Mr. Verdant
Green's aspirations to distinguish himself on the river; and he therefore renounced the sweets of the Isis, and contented himself by practising with a punt on the Cherwell. There, after repeatedly overbalancing himself in the most suicidal manner, he at length peacefully
settled down into the lounging blissfulness of a "Cherwell waterlily;" and on the hot days, among those gentlemen who had moored
heir punts underneath the overhanging boughs of the willows and
limes, and beneath their cool shade were lying, in doce far niente
fashion. with their legs up and a weed in their mouth, reading the
last new novel, or some less immaculate work,-among these gentlemen might haply have been discerned the form and spectacles of Mr.
Verdant Green.




AN OXFORD FRESIOMA                      99
CHAPTER XI.
M. VERDANT GREEN'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES.
ARCHERY was all the fashion at Brazenface.  They had as fine a
lawn for it as the Trinity men had; and all day long there waa
somebody to be seen making holes in the targets, and endeavouring
to realise the pose of the Apollo Belvidere;-rather a difficult thing
to do, when you come to wear plaid trousers and shaggy coats. As
Mr. Verdant Green felt desirous not only to uphold all the institutions of the University, but also to make himself acquainted with
the sports and pastimes of the place, he forthwith joined the Archery
and Cricket.Clubs.  He at once inspected the manufactures of Muir
and Buchanan; and after selecting from their stores a. fancy-wood
bow, with arrows, belt, quiver, guard, tips, tassels, and grease-pot,
he felt himself to be duly prepared to represent the Toxophilite character. But the sustaining it was a more difficult thing than he had
conceived; for although he thought that it would be next to impossible to miss a shot
when the target was so     (r  
large, and the arrow' ^,X    6z  -' -
went so easily froom the
bow, yet our hero soon'
discovered that even in s -'  i
the first steps of archery there was something to be learnt, and   prducive of perpiri; ad to 
that the mere stringing
of his bow was a per-     him
formance attended with
considerable difficulty.:
It was always slipping.
fromhis instep, ortwist-   -
ing the wrong way, or
threatening to snap in, 
sunder, or refusing to 
allow his fingers to slip             
the knot, or doing something that was dreadfully uncomfortable, and productive of perspiration  and two o<
three times he was reduced to the abject necessity of asking hia
friends to string his bow for him.




30        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
But when he had mas*
~. -   f,  -       /r'- h~, tI,,    teredthis slight difficulty, h;H,,0/ I ^;.' * B ~ [lJ~^; found that the arrows (to use
1Ar.^'-I~l' ^  ~1|1  Mr. Bouncer's phrase)"wobh,,,.C  /11 Y ('" "     hbled," and had a predilee,
tion for going any where but
into the target,notwithstanding its size; and unfortu-'"'~',~l~ ~~~ 5/~  -    -      1^-1Nik   nately one wentinto the body
/ of the Honourable Mr. Stor— 4^B^\/;~~~        inlrmer's favourite Skye terrier,
I / -~_  -1_ 1' though, thanks to its shaggy,J..,.S      ~.-~.     -:_~,,  coat and the bluntness ol
e=-^  b~.~-s^'7.        the arrow, it did not do a
g  g.-~-,; ~_ great amount of mischief;
-111"  3'W.,,"2   - -— ~^: —s-     nevertheless, the  vials oi..-J..         Mr. Stormer's wrath were
-      outpoured upon  Mr. Ver-,. _-^,~ J-        >      e -' dant Green's head; and such
epea pteroenta followed the
vringed arrow, that our hero became alarmed, and for the time forwore archery practice.
Ashehadfully equip/ ~/'c-! l//r,r.  pedhimselfforarchery,
kl./^. lg   /,.   ~         so also Mr. Verdant
/.c',?,v'~.''   _-. —,   Green (on the autho-,;^ i  1,                B.'  rity ofMr. Bouncer) got
r,-' t.l                                himself up for cricket,c:,,;i8.,I,...-        regardless of expense;
andi he mnade his  first'_;~,.~  z~.y:. I'   5:'_'~'-~  appearance in the field
in a straw hat with blue
_'1  |  1 - allnd spiked shoes of perfect propriety. A.s Mr.
-- founcer ha(l told him
1 -.I -I II"   -1.'_ - -..  _.v that, in cricket, attitdoe
was every thing, Ver4.-;        / lllr~),zx^?' —i      dant,,as soon as lie went
7",. -" / m" -                in for his innings, took.^  ~.    ~    __up wllat he considered
~ —-_. - __._.._...   ~   to be a very go,,d posi.
~..~. _ w M tion at the wicket. Lit
tie Mr. Bouncer. wha




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   101
was bowling, delivered    rrr,the ball with a swiftness              
that seemed rather as- \e I, ~\\'' 1
tonishing   in  such  a.                                ~
small gentleman.  The  L6first ball was " wide "'nevertheless,  Verdalt -   
(after it had passed):U,1 (1
struck at it, raising h    iis.  
bat high in the air, and                             -
bringingit straightdown   -     -                 /' 
to the ground as though     /7 --
it were an executioner's,,  i /  _L                    ~ 1
axe. The second ball 
was nearer to the mark; i   /            -           s
but it came in with such A         _                       _'
swiftness, that, as Mr.                                - -
Verdant  Green  was --
quite  new  to round 
bowling, it was rather:    -. — c
too quick for him, and d- 
hit him severely on the -, well, never mind,-on the trousers.
"Hallo, Gig-lamps!" shouted the delighted Mr. Bouncer, "no,
thing like backing
up; but it's no use'                     t.,\
assuming a  stern  \ \                               pllt
appearance; you'll  1IU                                 - \)^)
get your hand in                               a.
soon, old feller I"    f
But  Verdant
found that beforehe ^  I- ~    /'  
could get his hand 
in, the ball was got                                      i
into  his wicket; -
and that while he
was preparing for
the strike, the ball
shotby; and,asMr.
Stumps, the wicketkeeper, kindly informedhim, "there L
was  a  row  in               -
his  timber-yard."                                        
Thus   Verdant's:'".  --
score was always  4       a, 




102        THE ADVENTtUES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
on the lucus a non lucendo principle of derivation, for not even to a
quarter of a score did it ever reach; and he felt that he should
never rival a'Mynn or be a Parr with any one of the "All England" players.
Besides these out-of-door sports, our hero also devoted a good
deal of his time to acquiring in-door games, being quickly initiated
into the mysteries of billiards, and plunging headlong into pool. It
was in the billiard-room that Verdant first formed his acquaintance
with Mr. Fluke of Christ Church, well known to be the best player
in the University, and who, if report spoke truly, always made his
five hundred a year by his skill in the game. Mr. Fluke kindly put
our hero "into the way to become a player;" and Verdant soon found
the apprenticeship was attended with rather heavy fees.
At the wine-parties also that he attended he became rather a
greater adept at cards than he had formerly been. "Van John'
was the favourite game; and he was not long in discovering that
staking shillings and half-crowns, instead of counters and " fish," and
going odds on the colours, and losing five pounds before he was aware
of it, was a very different thing to playing vingt-et-un at home with
his sisters for " love"-(though perhaps cards afford the only way
in which young ladies at twenty-one will play for love).




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     10a
i'l..                  ^i!il  l          jl'!1 i
r         _          T
In  returning  to __          t     Q/ o' |1 fi
Brazenface late from           lr1   _    I o1'       [
these parties, our hero'          _
was sometimes fright-:
fully alarmed by suddenly finding himself
face to face with a
dreadful  apparition,
to which, by constant
familiarity, he gradually  became  accus-         II
tomed, and  learned
to look upon as the
proctor with his marshal and  bull-dogs.
At first, too, he was. 
on   such   occasions          i             -
greatly  alarmed  at                  _____,,'
finding  the gates of'
Brazenface   closed,




104        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
obliging him thereby to " knock-in;" and not only did he apAlogii
to the porter for troubling him to open the wicket, but he also volunteered elaborate explanations of the reasons that had kept him out
after time,-explanations that were not received in the spirit with
which they were tendered. When our freshman became aware of
the mysteries of a gate-bill, he felt more at his ease.
Mr. Verdant Green learned many things during his freshman's
term, and, among others, he discovered that the quiet retirement of
college-rooms, of which he had heard so much, was in many cases an
unsubstantial idea, founded on imagination, and built up by fancy.
One day that he had been writing a letter in Mr. Smalls' rooms,
which were on the ground-floor, Verdant congratulated himself that his
own rooms were on the third floor,
sl/ll,11 t and were thus removed from the
possibility of his friends, when he
Il l     bII [ - 1[> s t\i]  had sported his oak, being able to
11^'l  tl[,,/[j]~.get through his window to " chaff"
_pll   \       ^ t him; but he soon discovered that
1l\                         rooms upstairs had also objectionIIz - 1 -able points in their private character, and were not altogether such
ll l^ llll eligible apartments as he had at first
anticipated.  First there was the
getting up and down the dislocated
1.,' l /', A  staircase, a feat which at night was
sometimes attended with difficulty.
Then, when he had accomplished this feat, there was no way of
escaping from the noise of his neighbours. Mr. Sloe, the readingman in the garret above, was one of those abominable nuisances, a
peripatetic student, who " got up" every subject by pacing up and down his limited apartment, and, like the sentry, "walked his dreary
round" at unseasonable hours of the night,
at which time could be plainly heard the
I  wretched chuckle, and crackings of knuckles
f/  (Mr. Sloe's way of expressing intense delight),
with which he welcomed some miserable joke
of Aristophanes, painfully elaborated by the.i  (          1       Phelp of Liddell-and-Scott; or the disgustingly
sonorous way in which he declaimed his Greek
choruses. This was bad enough at night,' KYdz  ~but in the day-time there was a still greater
nuisance. The rooms immediately beneath
Verdant's were possessed by a gentleman whose musical powers wern




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                  101
of an unusually limited description, but who, unfortunately for his
neighbours, possessed the idea that the cornet-a-piston was a beautiful
instrument for pic-nics, races, boating-parties, and other long-vacation amusements, and sedulously practised "In my cottage near a
wood," "Away with melancholy," and
other airs of a lively character, in a dole- 1- / 
ful and distracted way, that would have   r      1
fully justified his immediate homicide, or,
at any rate, the confiscation of his offending instrument. 
Then, on the one side of Verdant's   i      ->    y    i
room, was Mr. Bouncer, sounding his  ^j;
octaves, and " going the complete unicorn;" and his bull-terriers, Huz and 
Buz, all and each of whom were of a          I 
restless and loud temperament: while,
on the other side, were Mr. Four-in-hand 
Fosbrooke's rooms, in which fencing, boxing, single-stick, and other violent, sports were gone through, with
a great expenditure of "Sa-ha! sa-ha!"and stampings. Verdant
was sometimes induced to go in; and never could sufficiently admire
the way in which men could be rapped with single-sticks without
crying out or flinching; for it made him almost sore even to look
at them. Mr. Blades, the stroke, was a frequent visitor there, and
developed his muscles in the most satisfactory manner.
After many refusals, our hero was at length persuaded to put on
the gloves, and have a friendly bout with Mr. Blades.  The result
was as might have been anticipated; and Mr. Smalls doubtless gave
a very correct resume' of the proceeding (foi, as-we have before said,
be was thoroughly conversant with the sporting slang of Tintinnabu
Y5*




i06        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
lum's Life), when he told Verdant, that his claret had been repeatedly
tapped, his bread-basket walked into, his day-lights darkened, his
ivories rattled, his nozzle barked, his whisker-bed napped heavily.
his kissing-trap countered, his ribs roasted, his nut spanked, and his
Li:whole person put in chancery, stung, bruised, fibbed, propped, fiddled,
slogged, and otherwise ill-treated. So it is hardly to be wondered
at if Mr. Verdant Green from thenceforth gave up boxing, as a
senseless and ungentlemanly amusement.
But while these pleasures (?) of the body were being attended to,
the recreation of the mind was not forgotten. Mr. Larkyns had proposed Verdant's name at the Union; and, to that gentleman's great
satisfaction, he was not black-balled. He daily, therefore, frequented:he reading-room, and made a point of looking through all the maga.
~ines and newspapers; while he felt quite a pride in sitting in luxurious state upstairs, writing his letters to the home department on the
very best note-paper, and sealing them extensively with " the Oxford
Union" seal; though he could not at first be persuaded that trusting
his letters to a wire closet was at all a safe system of postage.
He also attended the Debates, which were then held in the long
room behind Wyatt's; and he was particularly charmed with the
manner in which vital questions, that (as he learned from the newspapers) had proved stumbling-blocks to the greatest statesmen of the
land, were rapidly solved by the embryo statesmen of the Oxford
Union.  It was quite a sight, in that long picture-room, to see the
rows cf light iron seats densely crowded with young men-some of
whom wcald perhaps rise to be Cannings, or Peels, or Gladstones, —




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                   107
and to hear how one beardless gentleman would call another beardless
gentleman his " honourablo friend," and appeal " to the sense of the
House," and address himself to " Mr. Speaker;" and how they would
all juggle the same tricks of rhetoric as their fathers were doing it
certain other debates in a certain other House. And it was curious,
too, to mark the points of resemblance between the two Houses; and
how the smaller one had, on its smaller scale, its Hume, and its Lord
John, and its "Dizzy;" and how they went through the same traditional forms, and preserved the same time-honoured ideas, and debated in the fullest houses, with the greatest spirit and the greatest
length, on such points as, " What course is it advisable for this country to take in regard to the government of its Indian possessions, and
the imprisonment of Mr. Jones by the Rajah of Humbugpopoopnah?"
Indeed, Mr. Verdant Green was so excited by this interesting debate
that on the third night of its adjournment he rose to address the House;
but being " no orator as Brutus is," his few broken words were received
with laughter, and the honourable gentleman was coughed down.
Our hero had, as an Oxford freshman, to go through that cheerful
form called " sitting in the schools," —a form which consisted in the
following ceremony.  Through a door in the right-hand corner of
the Schools Quadrangle,-(Oh, that door! does it not bring a pang
into your heart only to think of it? to remember the day when you
went in there as pale as the little pair of bands in which you were
dressed for your sacrifice.; and came out all in a glow and a chill
when your examination was over; and posted your bosom-friend
there to receive from Purdue the little slip of paper, and bring you
the thrilling intelligence that you had passed; or to come empty.
handed, and say that you had been plucked! Oh, that door! well
might be inscribed there the line which, on Dante's authority, is
assigned to the door of another place," AoL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER HE E)
-entering through this door in company with several other unfortunates, our hero passed between two galleries through a passage,
by which, if the place had been a circus, the horses would have entered, and found himself in a tolerably large room lighted on either
side by windows, and panelled half-way up the walls.  Down the
centre of this room ran a large green-baize-covered table, on the one
side of which were some eight or ten miserable beings who were then
undergoing examination, and were supplied with pens, ink, blottingpad, and large sheets of thin " scribble-paper," on which they were
struggling to impress their ideas; or else had a book set before them,
out of which they were construing, or being ranked with qu stions;hat touched now on one subject and now on another, like a bee




108        TH1E ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
among flowers.  The large table was liberally supplied with all, the
apparatus and instruments of torture; and on the other side of it sat
the three examiners, as dreadful and formidable as the terrible three
of Venice. At the upper end of the room was a chair of state for
the Vice-Chancellor, whenever he deigned to personally superintend
the torture; to the right and left of which accommodation was proI1_.
vided for other victims. On the right hand of the room was a small
open gallery of two seats (like those seen in infant schools); and here,
from 10 in the morning till 4 in the afternoon, with only the interval of
a quarter of an hour for luncheon, Mr. Verdant Green was compelled
to sit and watch the proceedings, his perseverance being attested to by
a certificate which he received as a reward for his meritorious conduct.
If this " sitting in the schools"* was established as an in terrorem
form for the spectators, it undoubtedly generally had the desired
effect; and what with the misery of sitting through a whole day on
a hard bench with nothing to do, and the agony of seeing your fellow.
creatures plucked, and having visions of the same prospective fate for
yourself, the day on which the sitting took place was ustally regarded
*This form has been abolished (1853) under the Dew regulations,




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                        109
as one of those which, "if'twere done,'twere well it should be done
quickly."
As an appropriate sequel to this proceeding, Mr. Verdant Green
attended the interesting ceremony of conferring degrees; where he
discovered that the apparently insane promenade of the proctol
gave rise to the name bestowed on (what Mr. Larkyns called) the
equally insane custom  of "plucking."*   There too our hero saw
the Vice-Chancellorin all his glory; and so agreeable were the
proceedings, that altogether he had a great deal of Bliss.t
* When the degrees are conferred, the name of each person is read out
before he is presented to the Vice-Chancellor. The proctor then walks once
up and down the room, so that any person who objects to the degree being
granted may signify the same by pulling or " plucking" the proctor's robes.
This has been occasionally done-by. tradesmen, in order to obtain pavment of
their " little bills;" but such a proceeding is very rare, and the proctor's proinenade is usually undisturbed.
+ The Rev. Philip Bliss, D.C.L., after holding the onerous post of Registrat
of the University for many years, and. discharging its duties in a way that called
forth the unanimous thanks of the University, resigned office in 1853.




110       THE ADVENTURES 0f MR. VERDANT GRaBEr,
CHAPTER XII.
MR. VERDANT GREEN TERMINATES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFOIB
FRESHMAN.; BEFORE I go home," said Mr. Verdant Green, a- he expelled i
volume of smoke from his lips,-for he had overcome his first weakb
ness, and now "took his weed" regularly,-" before I.go home, I
must see what I owe in the place; for my father said he did not like
for me to run in debt, but wished me to settle my bills terminally."
"What, you're afraid of having what we call bill-ious fever, I
suppose, eh?" laughed Charles Larkyns.  c All exploded ideas, my
dear fellow.  They do very well in their way, but they don't answer; don't pay, in fact; and the shopkeepers don't like it either.
By the way, Ican show you a great curiosity; —the autograph do
an Oxford tradesman, very rare I I think of presenting it to the
Ashmolean."  And Mr. Larkyns opened his writing-desk, and took
therefrom an Oxford pastrycook's bill, on which appeared the magic,
word,'" Received."
"Now, there is one thing," continued Mr. Larkyns, "which you
really must do before you go down, and that is to see Blenheirm
And the best thing that you can do is to join Fosbrooke and Bouncer
and me, in a trap to Woodstock to-morrow. We'll go in good time,
and make a day of it."
Verdant readily agreed to make one of the party; and the next
morning, after a breakfast in Charles Larkyns' rooms, they made
their way to a side street leading out of Beaumont Street, where the
dog-cart was in waiting. As it was drawn by two horses, placed in
tandem fashion, Mr Fosbrooke had an opportunity of displaying bia




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     Ill
Jehu powers; which he did to great advantage, nAt allcwing his
leader to run his nose into the cart, ahd being enabled to turn sharp
corners without chipping the bricks, or running the wheel up the
bank.
They reached Woodstock after a very pleasant ride, and clattered up its one long street to the principal hotel; but Mr. Fosbrooke whipped into the yard to the left so rapidly, that our hero,
who was not much used to the back seat of a dog-cart, flew off by
some means at a tangent to the right, and was consequently degraded
in the eyes of the inhabitants.
-j
After ordering for dinner every thing that the house was enabled
to supply, they made their way in the first place (as it could only be
seen between 11 and 1) to Blenheim; the princely splendours of
which were not only costly in themselves, but, as our hero soon found,
costly also to the sight-seer. The doors in the suite of apartments
were all opposite to each other, so that, as a crimson cord was passed
from one to the other, the spectator was kept entirely to the one side
of the room, and merely a glance could be obtained of the Baffaelle,
the glorious Rubens's,* the Vandycks, and the almost equally fine
Sir Joshuas. But even the glance they had was but a passing one,,
* Dr. Waagen says that the Rubens collection at Blenheim is only surpassed
by the royal galleries of Munich, Vienna, Madrid, and Paris.




112         THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN,
as the servant trotted them through the rooms with the rapidity oi 
locomotion and explanation of a Westminster Abbey verger; and he
made a fierce attack on Verdant, who had lagged behind, and was
short-sightedly peering at the celebrated " Charles the First" of Vandyck, as though. he had lingered in order to surreptitiously appropriate some of the tables, couches, and other trifling articles that
ornamented the rooms.  In this way they went at railroad pace
through the suite of rooms and the library,-where the chief thing
pointed out appeared to be a grease-mark on the floor made by somebody at somebody else's wedding-breakfast,-and to the chapel,
where they admired the ingenuity of the sparrows and other birds
that built about Rysbrach's monumental mountain of marble to the
memory of the Duke and Duchess of Marlborough;-and then to the
so-called " Titian room," (shade of mighty Titian, forgive the insult!)
where they saw the Loves of the Gods represented in the most unloveable manner,* and where a flunkey lounged lazily at the door,
and, in spite of Mr. Bouncer's expostulatory "chaff," demanded
half-a-crown for the sight.
Indeed, the sight-seeing at Blenheim seemed to be a system of
half-crowns. The first servant would take them a little way, and
then say, " I don't go any further, sir; half-a-crown!" and hand
them over to servant number two, who, after a short interval, would
pass them on (half-a-crown!) to the servant who showed the chapel
(half-a-crown!), who would forward them on to the " Titian" Gallery
(half-a-crown!), who would hand them over to the flower-garden
(half-a-crown!), who would entrust them to the rose-garden (half-acrown!), who would give them up to another, who showed parts of
the Park, and the rest of it.  Somewhat in this manner an Oxford,
party sees Blenheim  (the present of the nation); and Mr. Verdant
Green found it the most expensive show-place he had ever seen.
Some of the Park, however, was free (though they were two or
three times ordered tc " get off the grass"); and they rambled about
among the noble trees, and admired the fine views of the Hall, and
smoked their weeds, and became very pathetic at Rosamond's Spring.
They then came back into Woodstock, which they found to be like
all Oxford towns, only rather duller perhaps, the principal signs of
life being some fowls lazily pecking about in the grass-grown street,
and two cats sporting without fear of interruption from a dog, who was
too much overcome, by the ennui of the place to interfere with them.
* The ladies alone would repel one by their gaunt ugliness, their flesh being
apparently composed of the article on which the pictures are painted-leather.
The only picture nct by " Titian" in this room is a Rubens,-" the Rape ol
Proserpine,'"-to see which is well worth the half-crown charged for the sight
of the others.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                  113
Mr. Bouncer then led the way to an inn, where the bar was pre.
sided over by a young lady, " on whom," he said, " he was desper.
ately sweet," and with whom he conversed in the most affable and
brotherly manner, and for whom also he had brought, as an appropriate present, a Book of Comic Songs; " for," said the little gentleman, "hang it! she's a girl of what you call mind, you know! and
she's heard of the opera,: and begun the piano,-though she don't
get much time, you see, for it in the bar,-and she sings regular
slap-up, and no mistake!"
So they left this young lady drawing bitter beer for Mr. Bouncer,
and otherwise attending to her adorer's wants, and endeavoured to
have a game of billiards on a wooden table that had no cushions,
with curious cues that had no leathers.  Slightly failing in this
difficult game, they strolled about till dinner-time, when Mr. Verdant
Green became mysteriously lost for some time, and was eventually found
by Charles Larkyns and Mr. Fosbrooke in a glover's shop, where he
was sitting on a high stool, and basking in the sunshiny smiles of two
"neat little glovers."  Our hero at first feigned to be simply making
purchases of Woodstock gloves and purses, as souvenirs of his visit,
and presents for his sisters; but in the course of the evening, being.
greatly " chaffed" on the subject, he began to exercise his imagination,
and talk of the " great fun" he had had;-though what particular




114        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
fun there may be in smiling amiably across a counter at a feminine
shopkeeper who is selling you gloves, it is hard to say perhaps )Dr
Sterne could help us to an answer.
They spent altogether a very lively day; and after a rather pro.
tracted sitting over their wine, they returned to Oxford with great
hilarity, Mr. Bouncer's post-horn coming out with great effect in the
stillness of the moonlight night.  Unfortunately their mirth was
somewhat checked when they had got as far as Peyman's Gate; for
the proctor, with mistaken kindness, had taken the trouble to meet
them there, lest they should escape him by entering Oxford by any
devious way; and the marshal and the bull-dogs were at the leader's
head just as Mr. Fosbrooke was triumphantly guiding them through
the turnpike.. Verdant gave up his name and that of his college
with a thrill of terror, and nearly fell off the drag from fright, when
he was told to call upon the proctor the next morning.
"Keep your pecker up, old feller!" said Mr. Bouncer, in an
encouraging tone, as they drove into Oxford, " and don't be down in
the mouth about a dirty trick like this. He won't hurt you much,
Gig-lamps! Gate and chapel you; or give you some old Greek
party to write out; or send you down to your mammy for a twelvemonth; or some little trifle of that sort. I only wish the beggar
would come up our staircase! if Huz, and Buz his brother, didn't do
their duty by him, it would be doosid odd. Now, don't you go and
get bad dreams, Gig-lamps! because it don't pay; and you'll soon get
used to these sort of things; and what's the odds, as long as you're
happy?  I like to take things coolly, I do."
To judge from Mr. Bouncer's serenity, and the far-from-nervous
manner in which he "sounded his octaves," he at least appeared to
be thoroughly used to " that sort of thing," and doubtless slept as
tranquilly as though nothing wrong had occurred.  But it was far
different with our hero, who passed a sleepless night of terror as to
his probable fate on the morrow.
And when the morrow came, and he found himself in the dreaded
presence of the constituted authority, armed with all the power of the
law, he was so overcome, that he fell on his knees and made an abject spectacle of himself, imploring that he might not be expelled,
and bring down his father's grey hairs in the usually quoted manner.
To his immense relief, however, he was treated in a more lenient
way; and as the term had nearly expired, his punishment could not
be of long duration; and as for the impositions, why, as Mr. Bouncer
said, " Ain't there coves to barberise'em* for you, Gig-lamps?"
Thus our freshman gained experience daily; so that by the end
Impositions are often performed by deputy.




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     115
uf the term, he found 
that short as the time had
been, it had been long
enough for him to learn    l
what Oxford life was like,
and that there was in it -               i 
a great deal to be copied,
be shunned.  The freshness he had  so freely
had gradually yielded as
realise his most sanguine
dreams as to " the head    "!                         ~
of the river  n; and when
from the gallery of the theatre, he had take in the licensed saturnalia of the Commemoration, and had cheered for the ladies in
pink and blue, and even given "one more" for the very proctor
whor had so lately interfered with his liberties; and when he had
gone to a farewell pass-party (which Charles Larkyns did not
give), and had assisted in the other festivities that usually mark
the end of the academical year,-Mr. Verdant Green found himself to be possessed of a considerable acquisition of knowledge of a
most miscellaneous character; and on the authority, and in the
figurative eastern language of Mr. Bouncer, " he was sharpened up
no end,y being well rubbed against university bricks.  So, good
by, ol feller d    si the little gentleman, with a kind remembrance
of imaginary individuals, "and give my love to Sairey and the little
uns."i   And Mr. Bouncer "went the complete unicorn," for the last
time ind of therm, by extemporising a farewell solo to Verdant,
which was of such   ag onising character of execution, that Huz
and Buz his brother, lifted up their noses and howled.
"Which they're the very moral of Christyuns, sir!" observed
Mrs. Tester, who was dabbing her curtseys in thankfulness for the
large amount with which our hero had " tipped" her.  "And has
ears for moosic, sir.  With grateful thanks to you, sir, for the same.
And it's obleeged I feelin my art.  Which it reelly were like what
my own son would do, sir.  As was found in drink for his rewing.
And were took to the West Injies for a sojer.  Which he were



116        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
ugh! oh, oh! Which you be'old me a hafflicted martyr to these
spazzums, sir.  And how  I am to get through tnem doorin' the
veecation.  Without a havin'em eased by a-goin' to your cupboard,
sir.  For just three spots o' brandy on a lump o' sugar, sir.  Is a
summut as I'm afeered to think on.  Oh! ugh 1" Upon which Mrs.
Tester's grief and spasms so completely overcame her, that our hero
presented her with an extra half-sovereign, wherewith to purchase
the medicine that was so peculiarly adapted to her complaint. Mr.
Robert Filcher was also " tipped" in the same liberal manner; and
our hero completed his first term's residence in Brazenface by establishing himself as a decided favourite.
Among those who seemed disposed to join in this opinion was the
Jehu of the Warwickshire coach, who expressed his conviction to our
delighted hero, that " he wos a young gent as had much himproved
hisself since he tooled him up to the'Varsity with his guvnor." To
fully deserve which high opinion, Mr. Verdant Green tipped for the,
box-seat, smoked more than was good for him, and besides finding the
c^~hman in weeds, drank with him at every " change" on the road.
4l    /
The carriage met him at the appointed place, and his luggage (no
longer encased in canvas, after the manner of females) was soon transferred to it; and away went our hero to the Manor Green, where he
was received with' the greatest demonstrations of delight. Restored
to the bosom of his family, our hero was converted into a kind of
domestic idol; while it was proposed by Miss Mary Green, seconded
by Miss Fanny, and carried by unanimous acclamation, that Mr. Verdant Green's University career had greatly enhanced his attractions.
The opinion of the drawin g-room was echoed from the servants'hall, the ladies' maid in particular being heard. freely to declare,
that "Oxford College had made quite a man of Master Verdant!"
As the little circumstance on which she probably grounded her
encomium had fallen under the notice of Miss Virginia Verdant, it
may have accounted for that most correct-minded lady being mors




AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.                     117
teserved in expressing her opinion'IIIiTl   U Il,,
of her nephew's improvement than    i     tl  I 
were the rest of the family; but 
she nevertheless thought a great
deal on the subject.
"Well, Verdant!" said Mr.
Green, after hearing divers anec-    -,l
dotes of his son's college-life, care-   I  
fully prepared for home-consump- 
tion; "now tell us what you've                      ^
learnt in Oxford.' "
" Why,"  replied our hero, as 
he reflected on his freshman's
career, "I have learnt to think                                [
for myself, and not to believe
every thing that I hear; and I
think I could fight my way in
the world; and I can chaff a  (
cad-"
" Chaff a cad! oh 1" groaned Miss Virginia to herself, thinking
it was something extremely dreadful.
"And I have learnt to row-at least, not quite; but I cat
smoke k weed-a cigar, you know.  I've learnt that."
" Oh, Verdant, you naughty boy I" said Mrs. Green, with ma



1THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
ternal fondness. "I was sadly afraid that Charles Larksns would
teach you all his wicked school habits!"
"Why, mama," said Mary, who was sitting on a footstool at
her brother's knee, and spoke up in defence of his college friend;
"why, mama, all gentlemen smoke; and of course Mr. Charles
Larkyns and Verdant must do as others do. But I dare say, Verdant, he taught you more useful things than that, did he not?"
"Oh, yes," replied Verdant; "he taught me to grill a devil "
"Grill a devil!" groaned MissVirginia. " Infatuated young man "
"And to make shandy-gaff and sherry-cobbler, and brew bishop
and egg-flip: oh, its capital! I'll teach you how to make it; and
we'll have some to-night!"
And thus the young gentleman astonished his family with the
extent of his learning, and proved how a youth of ordinary natural
attainments may acquire other knowledge in his University career
than what simply pertains to classical literature.
And so much experience had our hero gained during his fresh.
man's term, that when the. pleasures of the Long Vacation were at
an end, and he had returned to Brazenface, with his firm and fast
friend Charles Larkyns, he felt himself entitled to assume a patronising air to the freshmen who then entered, and even sought to impose
upon their credulity in ways which his own personal experience suggested.
It was clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made his farewell bow
as an Oxford Freshman.




THE FURTHER ADVENTURES
or
MR. VERDANT GREEN
PART II.
CHAPTER I.
MBR VERDANT GREEN RECOMMENCES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN
OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.
C"V- f r~ HE intelligent reader-which
"' 7.'"i     epithet I take to be a synonym
B^gT re'   A ^for every one who has perused
/ LC;J.q. the first part of the Adven.
VJ  1 7     0 i J ]   tures of Mr. Verdant Green,
-will remember the state-:\    o Sj~.            ment, that the hero of the
>NfI 5 3; ^"   _ / narrative  "had  gained so
-^      x ^.  i much experience during his
1 )  ) ] }Freshman's term, that, when
the pleasures of the Long
-~> c2 -/      Vacation were at an end, and
he had returned to Brazenface
with his firm and fast friend Charles Larkyns, he felt himself
entitled to assume a patronising air to the Freshmen, who then
entered, and even sought to impose upon their credulity in
ways which his own personal experience suggested."  And the
intelligent reader will further call to mind the fact that the
first part of these memoirs concluded with the words-" it was
clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made his farewell bow as an
Oxford Freshman."
But, although Mr. Verdant Green had of necessity ceased
6




2    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN,
to be " a Freshman " as soon as he had entered upon his second
term of residence,-the name being given to students in their
first term only,-yet this necessity, which, as we all know, non
habet leges, will occasionally prove its rule by an exception; and
if Mr. Verdant Green was no longer a freshman in name, he
still continued to be one by nature. And the intelligent reader
will perceive when he comes to study these veracious memoirs,
that, although their hero will no longer display those peculiarly
virulent symptoms of freshness, which drew towards him so
much friendly sympathy during the earlier part of his University
career, vet that he will still, by his innocent simplicity and
credulity, occasionally evidence the truth of the Hloratian
maxim, —
"Quo semel est imbuta recens, servabit odorem
Testa diu;"*
which, when Smart-ly translated, means, " A cask will long
preserve the flavour, with which, when new, it was once
impregnated;" and which, when rendered in the Saxon vulgate,
signifieth, " What is bred in the bone will come out in the
flesh."
It would, indeed, take more than a Freshman's term,-a two
months' residence in Oxford,-to remove the simple gaucheries
of the country Squire's hobbodehoy, and convert the girlish
youth, the pupil of that Nestor of Spinsters, Miss Virginia
Verdant, into the MAN whose school was the University, whose
Alma Mater was Oxonia herself. We do not cut our wise
teeth in a day; some people, indeed, are so unfortunate as
never to cut them at all; at the best, two months is but a brief
apace in which to get through this sapient teething operation,
a short time in which to graft our cutting on the tree of
Wisdom, more especially when the tender plant happens to be
a Verdant Green. The golden age is past when the fullformed goddess of Wisdom sprang from the brain of Jove
complete in all her parts. If our Vulcans now-a-days were to
trepan the heads of our Jupiters, they would find nothing in
them! In these degenerate times it will take more than one
splitting headache to produce our wisdom.
So it was with our hero. The splitting headache, for example,
which had wound up the pleasures of Mr. Small's "quiet
party," had taught him that the good things of this life were
not given to be abused, and that he could not exceed the bounds
of temperance and moderation without being made to pay the




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                  8
penalty of the trespass.  It had taught him  that kind of
wisdom which even " makes fools wise;" for it had taught him
Experience.  And yet, it was but a portion of that lesson of
Experience which it is sometimes so hard to learn, but which,
when once got by heart, is like the catechism  of our early
days,-it is never forgotten,-it directs us, it warns us, it
advises us; it not only adorns the tale of our life, but it points
the moral which may bring that tale to a happy and peaceful
end.
Experience! Experience! What will it not do?  It is a
staff which will help us on when we are jostled by the designing
crowds of our Vanity Fair. It is a telescope that will reveal
to us the dark spots on what seemed to be a fair face. It is a
finger-post to show us whither the crooked paths of worldly
ways will lead us. It is a scar that tells of the wound which
the soldier has received in the battle of life. It is a lighthouse that warns us off those hidden rocks and quicksands
where the wrecks of long past joys that once smiled so fairly,
and were loved so dearly, now lie buried in all their ghastliness,
stripped of grace and beauty, things to shudder at and dread.
Experience! Why, even Alma Mater's doctors prescribe it to
be taken in the largest quantities! "Experientia-dose it!"
they say: and very largely some of us have to pay for the dose.
But the dose does us good; and (for it is an allopathic remedy),
the greater the dose, the greater is the benefit to be derived.
The two months' allopathic dose of Experience, which had
been administered to Mr. Verdant Green, chiefly through the
agency of those skilful professors, Messrs. Larkyns, Fosbrooke,
Smalls, and Bouncer, had been so far beneficial to him, that, in
the figurative Eastern language of the last-named gentleman, he
had not only been " sharpened up no end by being well rubbed
against University bricks," but he had, moreover, "become so
considerably wide-awake, that he would very soon be able to take
the shine out of. the old original Weazel, whom the pages of
History had recorded as never having been discovered in a state
of somnolence."
Now, as Mr. Bouncer was a gentleman of considerable experience and was, too, (although addicted to expressions not to be
Found in "the Polite Preceptor,") quite free from the vulgar
Labit of personal flattery,-or, as he thought fit to express it, in
words which would have taken away my Lord Chesterfield's appetite, "buttering a party to his face in the cheekiest manner,"we may fairly presume, on this strong evidence, that Mr.Verdant
(reen had really gained a considerable amount of experience




4    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
during his Freshman's term, although there were still 1f
in his character and conduct many marks of viridity which"Time's effacing fingers,"
assisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove
However, Mr. Verdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be "a
Freshman" in name; and had received that University promo
tion, which  Mr. Charles Larkyns commemorated  by the
following affiche, which our hero, on his return from his first
morning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a conspicuous
position on his oak.
COMMISSION SIGNED BY THE VICE-CHANCELLOR OF THE UNIVERSITY
OF OXFORD.
MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate, vice Oxford
Freshman, SOLD out. 
It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful Under.
graduate first seeks to prove he is no longer a "Freshman,"
by endeavouring to impose on the credulity of those young
gentlemen who come up as Freshmen in his second term. And,
in this, there is an analogy between the biped and the quadruped; for, the wild, gambolling, schoolboy elephant, when he
has been brought into a new circle, and has been trained to
new habits, will take pleasure in ensnaring and deluding his
late companions in play.
The " sells " by which our hero had been " sold out" as a
Freshman, now formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate,
which his experience enabled him to dispose of (with considerable interest) to the most credulous members of the generations
of Freshmen who came up after him. Perhaps no Freshman
had ever gone through a more severe course of hoaxing-to
survive it-than Mr. Verdant Green; and yet, by a system  of
retaliation, only paralleled by the quadrupedal case of the
before-mentioned elephant, and the biped-beadle case of the
illustrious Mr. Bumble, who after having his own ears boxed by
the late Mrs. Corney, relieved his feelings by boxing the ears
of the small boy who opened the gate for him,-our hero took
the greatest delight in seeking every opportunity to play of}
upon a Freshman some one of those numerous hoaxes which
had been so successfully practised on nimself. And while, in
referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted
all mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal
credulity in the strongest light -which anecdotes the faith.
ful historian has thought fit to record, -he, nevertheless,
dwelt with extreme pleasure on the reminiscences of a few




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                   6
soolated facts, in which he himself appeared in the character
of the hoaxer.
These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction,
made very palatable dishes for University entertainment, and
were served up by our hero, when he went " down into the
country," to select parties of relatives andfriends (N.B.-Femalea
preferred).  On such occasions, the following hoax formed
Mr.'Verdant Green's picee de resistance.
CHAPTER II.
MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY
ONE morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were
lounging in the venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former
gentleman, being of an amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposition, was making himself very happy by whistling popular airs
to the Porter's pet bullfinch, who was laboriously engaged on a
small tread-mill, winding up his private supply of water. Mr.
Bouncer, being of a more volatile temperament, was amusing
himself by asking the Porter's opinion on the foreign policy of
Great Britain, and by making  very  audible remarks on
the passers-by. His attention was at length riveted by the
appearance on the other side of the street, of a modest-looking
young gentleman, who appeared to be so ill at ease in his
frock-coat and " stick-up " collars, as to lead to the strong
presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the
first t.me.
" I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps," said little
Mr. Bouncer, as he directed our hero's attention to the stranger, "that this respected party is an intending Freshman.
Look at his customary suits of solemn black, as Othello, or
Hamlet, or some other swell, says in Shakspeare. And, besides
his black go-to-meeting bags, please to observe," continued the
little gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work showman; " please to
hobserve the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain, likewise the straps
of the period. Look! he's coming this way.  Giglamps, I
vote we take a rise out of the youth. Hem! Good morning!
Can we have the pleasure of assisting you in anything."
" Yes, sir! thank you, sir," replied the youthful stranger




6    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN,
who was flushing like a girl up to the very roots of liU
curly, auburn hair; " perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazenface College, sir? "
" Well, sir! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could,
sir; " replied Mr. Bouncer; "but, perhaps, sir, you'll first
favour me with your name, and your business there, sir."
"Certainly, sir!" rejoined the stranger; and, while he
fumbled at his card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whispered to our hero, "Told you he was a sucking Freshman,
Giglamps! He has got a bran new card-case, and says' sir' at
the sight of the academicals." The card handed to Mr. Bouncer,
bore the name of "MR. JAMES PUCKER;" and, in smaller
characters in the corner of the card, were the words, " Brazenface College, Oxford."
"I came, sir," said the blushing Mr. Pucker, "to enter for
my matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentlelman who will have to examine me, sir."
"The  doose you  do!"  said  Mr. Bouncer sternly 
"then young man, allow me to say, that you've regularly
been and gone and done it, and put your foot in it most
completely."
"How-ow-ow, how, sir? " stammered the dupe.
"How? " replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly; " do you
mean to brazen out your offence by asking how? What could
have induced you, sir, to have had printed on this card the
name of this College, when you've not a prospect of belonging
to it —it may be for years, it may be for never, as the bard says.
You've committed a most grievous offence against the Univer.
sity statutes, young gentleman; and so this gentleman hereMr. Pluckem, the junior examiner-will tell you!" and with
that, little Mr. Bouncer nudged Mr. Verdant Green, who took
his cue with astonishing aptitude, and glared through his glasses,at the trembling Mr. Pucker, who stood blushing, and bowing,
and heartily repenting that his school-boy vanity had led him
to invest four-and-sixpence in "100 cards, and plate, engraved
with name and address."
"Put the cards in your pocket, sir, and don't let me see
them  again!" said our hero in his newly-confirmed title of
the junior examiner; quite rejoiced at the opportunity afforded
him  of proving to his friend that he was no longer a
Freshman.;He forgives you for the sake of your family, young man! "
said Mr. Bouncer with pathos; " you've come to the right shop,
for this is Brazenface; and you've come just at the right tune




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
ior here is the gentleman who will assist Mr. Piuckem in
examining you;" and Mr. Bounder pointed to Mr. Four-in.
hand Fosbrooke, who was coming up the street on his way from
the Schools, where he was making a very laudable (but as it
proved, futile) endeavour "to get through his smalls," or, in
other words, to pass his Little-go examination. The hoax which
had been suggested to the ingenious mind of Mr. Bouncer, was
based upon the fact of Mr. Fosbrooke's being properly got-up
for his sacifice in a white tie, and a pair of very small bandsthe two articles, which, with the usual academicals, form the
costume demanded by Alma Mater of all her children when
they take their places in her Schools. And, as Mr. Fosbrooke
was far too politic a gentleman to irritate the Examiners by
appearing in a " loud " or sporting costume, he had carried out
the idea of clerical character suggested by the bands and choker,
by a quiet, gentlemanly suit of black, which, he had fondly
hoped, would have softened his Examiners' manners, and not
permitted them to be brutal.
Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, therefore, to the unsophisticated eye of the blushing Mr. Pucker, presented a very fine
specimen of the Examining Tutor; and this impression on Mr.
Pucker's mind was heightened by Mr. Fosbrooke, after a few
minutes' private conversation with the other two gentlemen,
turning to him, and saying, "It will be extremely inconvenient to me to examine you now; but as you probably wish to
return home as soon as possible, I will endeavour to conclude
the business at once-this gentleman, Mr. Pluckem," pointing
to our hero, "having kindly promised to assist me. Mr. Bouncer,
will you have the goodness to follow with the young gentleman
to my rooms?"
Leaving Mr. Pucker to express his thanks for this great
kindness, and Mr. Bouncer to plunge him into the depths of
trepidation by telling him terrible stories of the Examiner's
fondness for rejecting the candidates for examination, Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero ascended to the rooms of the former, where
they hastily cleared away cigar-boxes and pipes, turned certain
French pictures with their faces to the wall, and covered over
with an outspread Times a regiment of porter and spirit bottles
which had just been smuggled in, and were drawn up rank-andfile on the sofa. Having made this preparation, and furnished
the table with pens, ink, and scribble-paper, Mr. Bouncer and
She victim were aamnitted.
"Take a seat, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke, gravely; and Mr.
Pucker put his hat on the ground, and sat down at the table in




8    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREE1,
a state of blushing nervousness.  "Have you been at a public
school?"
"Yes, sir," stammered the victim; " a very public one, sir;
it was a boarding-school, sir; forty boarders, and thirty day.
boys, sir; I was a day-boy, sir, and in the first class."
"First class of an uncommon slow train!" muttered Mr.
Bouncer.
" And are you going back to the boarding-school P" asked
Mr. Verdant Green, with the air of an assistant judge.
" No, sir," replied Mr. Pucker, "I have just done with it;
quite done with school, sir, this last half; and papa is going to
put me to read with a clergyman until it is time for me to come
to college."
"Refreshing innocence!" murmured Mr. Bouncer; while
Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero conferred together, and hastily
wrote on two sheets of the scribble-paper.
"Now, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke to the victim, after a paper
had been completed, "let us see what your Latin writing is
like.  Have the goodness to turn what I have written into
Latin; and be very careful, sir," added Mr. Fosbrooke, sternly,
" be very careful that it is Cicero's Latin, sir! " and he handed
Mr. Pucker a sheet of paper, on which he had scribbled the
following:
"To BE TRANSLATED INTO PROSE-Y LATIN, IN THE MANNER OF
CICERO'S ORATIONS AFTER DINNER.
"Ift therefore, any on your bench, my luds, or in this assembly, should
entertain an opinion that the proximate parts of a mellifluous mind




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                     9
are for ever conjoined and unconnected, I submit to you, my luds,
that it will of necessity follow, that such clandestine conduct being
a mere nothing,-or, in the noble language of our philosophers,
bosh,-every individual act of overt misunderstanding will bring
interminable limits to the empiricism of thought, and will rebound
in the very lowest degree to the credit of the malefactor."
"To BE TURNED INTO LATIN AFTER THE MANNER OF THE ANIMALS
OF TACITUS.
" She went into the garden to cut a cabbage to make an apple-pie. Just
then, a great she-bear coming down the street, poked its nose into
the shop-window.'What! no soap l' So he died, and she (very
imprudently) married the barber. And there were present at the
wedding the Joblillies, and the Piccannies, and the Gobelites, and
the great Panjandrum himself, with the little button on top. So
they all set to playing Catch-who-catch-can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots."
It was well for the purposes of the hoaxers that Mr. Pucker's
trepidation prevented him from  making a calm perusal of the
paper; and he was nervously doing his best to turn the nonsensical English wora by word into equally nonsensical Latin,
when his limited powers of Latin writing were brought to a
full stop by the untranslateable word " Bosh."  As he could
make nothing of this, he wiped the perspiration from his forehead, and gazed appealingly at the benignant features of Mr.
Verdant Green.  The appealing gaze was answered by our hero
ordering Mr. Pucker to hand in his paper for examination, and
to endeavour to answer the questions which he and his brother
examiner had been writing down for him.
Mr. Pucker took the two papers of questions. and read as
follows:
"HISTORY.
"1. Draw a historical parallel (after the manner of Plutarch) between
Hannibal and Annie Laurie.
"2. What internal evidence does the Odyssey afford, that Homer sold hia
Trojan war-ballads at three yards an obolus l
"s. Show the strong presumption there is, that Nox was the god of
battles.
4. State reasons for presuming that the practice of lithography may be
traced back to the time of Perseus and the Gorgon's head.
" 5 In what way were the shades on the banks of the Styx supplied with
spirits 
0 6. Show the probability of the College Hornpipe having been used by the
students of the Academia; and give passages from Thucydides and
Tennyson in support of your answer.
"7. Give a brief account of the Roman Emperors who visited the United
States, and state what they did there.
8. Show from the redundancy of the word pyas in Sophocles, that gas
must have been used by the Athenians; also state, if the expression
or BdpBapo& would seem to signify that, they were close shavers.
6*




10   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
9. Show from the words'Hoc erat in votis,' (Sat. VI., Lib. II.,) that
Horace's favourite wine was hock, and that he meant to say'he
always voted for hock.'
" 10. Draw a parallel between the Children in the Wood and Achilles in
the Styx.
" 11. When it is stated that Ariadne, being deserted by Theseus, fell in
love with Bacchus, is it the poetical way of asserting that she took
to drinking to drown her grief?
" 12. Name the prima donnas who have appeared in the operas of Virgil
and Horace since the'Virgilii Opera,' and'Horatii Opera' were
composed."
"EUCLID, ARITHMETIC, and ALGEBRA.
" 1. The extremities of a line are points.' Prove this by the rule of
railways.
"2. Show the fallacy of defining an angle, as' a worm at one end and a fool
at the other.'
"3. If one side of a triangle be produced, what is there to prevent the
other two sides from also being brought forward?
"4. Let A and B be squares having their respective boundaries in E and
W. ends, and let C and D be circles moving in them; the circle D
will be superior to the circle C.
"5. In equal circles, equal figures from various squares will stand upon
the same footing.
"6. If two parts of a circle fall out, the one part will cut the other.
"7. Describe a square which shall be larger than Belgrave Square.
"8. If the gnomon of a sun-dial be divided into two equal, and also into
two unequal parts, what would be its value?
"9. Describe a perpendicular triangle having the squares of the semicircle equal to half the extremity between the points of section.
"10. If an Austrian florin is worth 5.61 francs, what will be the value of
Pennsylvanian bonds? Prove by rule-of-three inverse.
11. If seven horses eat twenty-five acres of grass in three days, what
will be their condition on the fourth day? Prove by practice.
" 1t If a coach-wheel, 6s in diameter and 5 9 in circumference, makes
240- revolutions in a second, how many men will it take to do the
same piece of work in ten days?
13. Find the greatest common measure of a quart bottle of Oxford
port.
"14. Find the value of a'bob,' a'tanner,' a'joey,' and a'tizzy.''15. Explain the common  denominators'brick,''trump,''spoon,''muff,' and state what was the greatest common denominator in
the last term.
"16. Reduce two academical years to their lowest terms.
" 17. Reduce a Christ Church tuft to the level of a Teddy Hall man.
1&, If a freshman A  have any mouth x, and a bottle of wine
y, show  how  many  applications of x to y will place y+y
before A."
Mr. Pucker did not know what to make of such extraordinary
and unexpected questions.   He blushed, attempted to write,
fingered his curls, tried to collect his faculties, and then
appeared to give himself over to despair; whereupon little Mr




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 1I
Bouncer was seized with an immoderate fit of coughing which
had well nigh brought the farce to its denouement.
" I'm afraid, young gentleman," said Mr. Four-in-hand osbrooke, as he carelessly settled his white tie and bands, "I am
afraid, Mr. Pucker, that your learning is not yet up to the
Brazenface standard.   We are particularly cautious about
admitting any gentleman whose acquirements are not of the
highest order. But we will be as lenient to you as we are able,
and give you one more chance to retrieve yourself. We will
try a little viva voce, Mr. Pucker.  Perhaps, sir, you will favour
me with your opinions on the Fourth Punic War, and will also
give me a slight sketch  of the  constitution of ancient
Heliopolis."
Mr. Pucker waxed, if possible, redder and hotter than before,
he gasped like a fish out of water; and, like Dryden's prince,
"unable to conceal his pain," he
"Sigh'd and look'd, sigh'd and look'd,
Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again."
But all was to no purpose: he was unable to frame an answer
to Mr. Fosbrooke's questions.
" Ah, sir," continued his tormentor, " I see that you will not
do for us yet awhile, and I am therefore under the painful
necessity of rejecting you.  I should advise you, sir, to read
hard for another twelvemonths, and endeavour to master those
subjects in which you have now failed. For,'a young man,
Mr. Pucker, who knows nothing about.the Fourth Punic War,
and the constitution of ancient Heliopolis, is quite unfit to be
enrolled among the members of such a learned college as
Brazenface.  Mr. Pluckem  quite coincides with me in this
decision."  (Here Mr. Verdant Green gave a Burleigh nod.)
" We feel very sorry for you, Mr. Pucker, and also for your 
unfortunate family; but we recommend you to add to your
present stock of knowledge, and to keep those visiting-cards for
another twelvemonth."   And Mr. Fosbrooke and our herodisregarding poor Mr. Pucker's entreaties that they would consider his pa and ma, and would please to matriculate him this
once, and he would read very hard, indeed he would-turned
to Mr. Bouncer and gave some private instructions, which
caused that gentleman immediately to vanish, and seek out
Mr. Robert Filcher.
Five minutes after, that excellent Scout met the dejected
Mr. Pucker as he was crossing the Quad on his way from Mr.
Fosbrooke's rooms.
"Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Filcher, touching his fore




I    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GBEEN,
head; for, as Mr. Filcher, after the manner of his tribe, nevet
was seen in a head-covering, he was unable to raise his hat or
cap; "beg your pardon, sir! but was you a lookin' for the
party as examines the young gents for their matrickylation?"
"Eh?-no!  I have just come from  him," replied Mr.
Pucker, dolefully.
"Beg your pardon, sir," remarked Mr. Filcher, "but his rooms
ain't that way at all. Mr. Slowcoach, as is the party you ought to
have seed, has his rooms quite in a hopposite direction, sir; and
he's the honly party as examines the matrickylatin' gents.'"
"But I have been examined," observed Mr. Pucker, with the.ti  (' [i}!_I ftair of a plucked man.;
aa_ ___   U-            I   "and I am sorry to say
-    -  that  I  was  rejected,
c~c     i' 11!and "?, 1    ~^ll ^    ~   A   t'  "I dessay, sir," inter..^1^ X E  Krupted Mr. Filcher; "but
J   I think it's a'oax, sir!"
r I'_ s     "A   what?"  stamin
"A'oax - a sell;"
- J~\  ^  \replied the Scout, confidentially.  "You see,
sir, I think some of the
gents have been makin'
a little  game of you,
sir; they often does with
fresh parties like you,
sir, that seem fresh and
-^i~B ^hinnocent like; and I
dessay they've been makin' believe to examine you, sir, and a
pretendin' that you wasn't clever enough. But they don't
mean no harm, sir; it's only their play, bless you!"
"Then," said Mr. Pucker, whose countenance had been
gradually clearing with every word the Scout spoke; "then
I'm not really rejected, but have still a chance of passing my
examination?"
"Percisely so, sir," replied Mr. Filcher; "and-hexcuse
me, sir, for a hintin' of it to you,-but, if you would let me
adwise you, sir, you wouldn't go for to mention anythin' about
the'oax to Mr. Slowcoach; he wouldn't be pleased, sir, and
you'd only get laughed at. If you like to go to him now, sir,
I know he's in his rooms, and I'11 show you the way there
with the greatest of pleasure."




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                1I
Mr. Pucker, immensely relieved in mind, gladly put himself
ander the Scout's guidance, and was admitted into the presence
of Mr. Slowcoach. In twenty minutes after this he issued
from the examining tutor's rooms with a joyful countenance,
and again encountered Mr. Robert Filcher.
" Hope you've done the job this time, sir," said the Scout.
"Yes," replied the radiant Mr. Pucker; " and at two o'clock
I am to see the Vice-chancellor; and I shall be able to come
to college this time next year."
"Werry glad of it, indeed, sir! " observed Mr. Filcher,.with
genuine emotion, and an eye to future perquisites; "and
I suppose, sir, you didn't say a word about the'9ax?"
" Not a word! " replied Mr. Pucker.
"Then, sir," said Mr. Filcher, with enthusiasm, "hexcuse
me, but you're a trump, sir! And Mr. Fosbrooke's compliments to you, sir, and he'11 be'appy if you'll come up into his
rooms, and take a glass of wine after the fatigues of the examination.'And,-hexcuse me again, sir, for a hintin' of it to
you, but of course you can't be aweer of the customs of the
place, unless somebody tells you on'em,-I shall be werry
glad to drink your werry good health, sir."
Need it be stated that the blushing Mr. Pucker, delirious
with joy at the sudden change in the state of affairs, and the
delightful prospect of being a member of the University, not
only tipped Mr. Filcher a five-shilling piece, but also paid a
second visit to Mr. Fosbrooke's rooms, where he found that
gentleman in his usual costume, and by him was introduced
to the Mr. Pluckem, who now bore the name of Mr. Verdant
Green?  Need it be stated that the nervous Mr. Pucker
blushed and laughed, and laughed and blushed, while his two
pseudo-examiners t6ok wine with him in the most friendly
manner; Mr. Bouncer pronouncing him to be "an out-and.
outer, and no mistake! "  And need it be stated that, after
this undergraduate display of hoaxing, Mr. Verdant Green
would feel exceedingly offended were he still to be called "an
Oxford Freshman  "




14    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREBN,
CHAPTER III.
KR. VERDANT GREEN EN DEAVOURS TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS  UI BD
POURING SPIRITS DOWN.
IT was the evening of the fifth of November; the day w.ich
the Protestant youth of England dedicate to the memory of
that martyr of gunpowder, the firework Faux, and which the
youth  of Oxford, by a three  months' anticipation  of the
calendar, devote to the celebration of those scholastic sports
for which the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin was once so
famous.*
Rumour with its hundred tongues had spread far and wide
the news, that a more than ordinary demonstration would be made
of the might of Town, and that this demonstration would be
met by a corresponding increase of prowess on the side of
Gown.  It was darkly whispered that the purlieus of Jericho
would send forth champions to the fight. It was mentioned
that the Parish of St. Thomas would be powerfully represented
by its Bargee lodgers.   It was confidently  reported  that
* Town and Gown disturbances are of considerable antiquity. Fuller
and Matthew Paris give accounts of some which occurred as early as the
year 1238. These disputes not unfrequently terminated fatally to some
of the combatants. One of the most serious Town and Gown rows on
record took place on the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin, February 10th,
1345, when several lives were lost on either side. The University was at
that time in the Lincoln diocese; and Grostete, the Bishop, placed the
townspeople under an interdict, from which they were not released till
1357, and then only on condition that the mayor and sixty of the chief
burgesses should, on every anniversary of the day of St. Scholastica,
attend St. Mary's Church and offer up mass for the souls of the slain
scholars; and should also individually present an offering of one penny
at the high altar. They, moreover, paid a yearly fine of 100 marks to the
University, with the penalty of an additional fine of the same sum for
every omission in attending at St. Mary's. This continued up to the time
of the Reformation, when it gradually fed into abeyance. In the fifteenth
year of Elizabeth, however, the University asserted their claim to all
arrears. The matter being brought to trial, it was decided that the town
should continue the annual fine and penance, though the arrears were
forgiven. The fine was yearly paid on the 10th of February up to our
own time: the mayor and chief burgesses attended at St. Mary's, and
made the offering at the conclusion of the litany, which, on that occasion,
was read from the altar. This was at length put an end to by Convocatioa
in the year 1825.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 18
St. Aldate's* would come forth in all its olden strength.  It
was told as a fact that St. Clement's had departed from the
spirit of clemency, and was up in arms. From an early hour
of the evening, the Townsmen had gathered in threatening
groups;  and their determined aspect, and words of chaff,
had told of the coming storm.  It was to be a tremendous
Town and Gown!
The Poet has forcibly observed"Strange that there should such diff'rence be,'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee!"
But the difference between Town and Gown, is not to be
classed with the Tweedledum and Tweedledee difference. It is
something more than a mere difference of two letters. The
lettered Gown lorded  it  over the unlettered  Town: the
plebeian Town was perpetually snubbed by the aristocratic
Gown. If Gown even wished to associate with Town, he could
only do so under certain restrictions imposed by the statutes;
and Town was thus made to feel exceedingly honoured by the
gracious condescension of Gown. But Town, moreover, maintained its existence, that it might contribute to the pleasure
and amusements, the needs and necessities, of Gown. And
very expensively was Town occasionally made to pay for its
existence; so expensively indeed, that if it had not been for
the great interest which Town assumed on Gown's account,
the former's business-life would have soon failed. But, on
many accounts, or rather, im many accounts, Gown was deeply
indebted to Town; and, although Gown was often loth to own
the obligation, yet Town never forgot it, but always placed it
to Gown's credit.  Occasionally, in his early freshness, Gown
would seek to compensate Town for his obliging favours; but
Town would gently run counter to this wish, and preferred
that the evidences of Gown's friendly intercourse with him
should accumulate, until he could, with renewed interest (as we
understand from the authority of an aged pun), obtain his payments by Degrees.
When Gown was absent, Town was miserable: it was dull;
it did nothing; it lost its customer-y application to business.
When Gown returned, there was no small change, -the benefit
was a sovereign one to Town. Notes, too, passed between
them; of which, those received by Town were occasionally of
intrinsic value. Town thanked Gown for these,-even thanked
* Corrupted by Oxford pronunciation (which makes Magdalen MaudAw
Into St. Old'8.




16  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
him  when his civility had only been met by checks,-and
smirked, and fawned, and flattered; and Gown patronised
Town, and was offensively condescending. What a relief then
must it have been to the pent-up feelings of Town, when the
Saturnalia of a Guy-Faux day brought its usual license, and
Town could stand up against Gown and try a game of fisti
cuffs! And if, when there was a cry "To arms! " we could
always settle the dispute in an English fashion with those arms
with which we have been supplied by nature, there would then,
perhaps, be fewer weeping widows and desolate orphans in the
world than there are just at i resent.
On the evening  of the fifth of November, then, Mr.
Bouncer's rooms were occupied by a wine-party; and, among
the gentlemen assembled; we noticed (as newspaper reporters
say), Mr. Verdant Green, Mr. Charles Larkyns, Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. Smalls, and Mr. Blades. The table was liberally
supplied with wine; and a "desert at eighteen-pence per
head," — as Mr. Bouncer would afterwards be informed
through the medium of his confectioner's bill;-and, while an
animated conversation was being held on the expected Town
and Gown, the party were fortifying themselves for the eveute
by a rapid consumption of the liquids before them. Our hero,
and some of the younger ones of the party, who had not yet
left off their juvenile likings, were hard at work at the dessert
in that delightful, disregardless-of-dyspepsia manner, in which
boys so love to indulge, even when they have passed into
TTniversity mnen. As usual, the bouquet of the wine was somewhat interfered with by those narcotic odours, which, to a
smoker, are as the gales of Araby the Blest.
Mr. Blades was conspicuous among the party, not only from
his dimensions,-or, as he phrased it, from " his breadth of
beam," —but also from his free-and-easy costume.  "To get
himself into wind," as he alleged, Mr. Blades had just been
knocking the wind out of the Honourable Flexible Shanks
(youngest son of the Earl of Buttonhole), a Tuft from Christ
Church, who had left his luxurious rooms in the Canterbury
Quad chiefly for the purpose of preparing himself for the forthcoming Town and Gown, by putting on the gloves with his
boating friend. The bout having terminated by Mr. Flexible
Shanks having been sent backwards into a tray of wine-glasses
with which Mr. Filcher was just entering the room, the gloves
were put aside, and the combatants had an amicable set-to at a
bottle  of Carbonell's "Forty-four," which Mr. Bouncer
brought out of a wine-closet in his bed-room for their especial




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 1t
delectation. Mr. Blades, who was of opinion that, in dress, ease
should always be consulted before elegance, had not resumed
that part of his attire of which he had divested himself for
fistianic purposes; and, with a greater display of linen than is
usually to be seen in society, was seated comfortably in a
lounging chair, smoking the pipe of peace. Since he had
achieved the proud feat of placing the Brazenface boat at the
head of the river, Mr. Blades had gained increased renown,
more especially in his own college, where he was regarded in the
light of a tutelary river deity; and, as training was not going
on, he was now enabled to indulge in a second glass of wine,
and also in the luxury of a cigar. Mr. Blades's shirt-sleeves
were turned up so as to display the anatomical proportion of
his arms; and little Mr. Bouncer, with the grave aspect of a
doctor feeling a pulse, was engaged in fingering his deltoid and
biceps muscles, and in uttering panegyrics on his friend's torsoof-Hercules condition.
"My gum, Billy! " (it must be observed, en passant, that,
although the name given to Mr. Blades at an early age was
Frank, yet that when he was not called " old Blades," he was
always addressed as "Billy,"-it being a custom  which has
obtained in universities, that wrong names should be familiarly
given to certain gentlemen, more as a mark of friendly intimacy
than of derision or caprice.)  "My gum, Billy!" observed Mr.
Bouncer, "you're as hard as nails!  What an extensive
assortment of muscles you've got on hand,-to say nothing
about the arms. I wish I'd got such a good stock in trade
for our customers to-night; I'd soon sarve'em out, and make'em sing peccavi."
"The fact is," said Mr. Flexible Shanks, who was leaning
smoking  against the  mantelpiece behind him,  "Billy is
like a respectable  family of bivalves-he  is nothing  but
mussels."
"Or like an old Turk," joined in Mr. Bouncer, "for he's a
regular Mussulman."
"Oh! Shanks!  Bouncer!" cried Charles Larkyns, "what
stale jokes!  Do open the window, somebody,-it's really
offensive."
"All!" said Mr. Blades, modestly, "you only just wait
till Footelights brings the Pet, and then you'11 see real
muscles."
" t was rather a good move," said Mr. Cheke, a gentleman
Commoner of Corpus, who was lounging in an easy chair
smoking a meerschaum through an elastic tube a yard long,-,




18   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
" it was rather a good move of yours, Fossy," he said, address*
ing himself to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, "to secure the
Pet's services. The feller will do us some service, and will
astonish the oi polloi no end."
" Oh! how prime it will be," cried little Mr. Bouncer, in
ecstacies with the prospect before  him, " to see the Pet
pitching into the cads, and walking into their small affections
with his one, two, three! And don't I just pity them when
he gets them  into Chancery!  Were you ever in Chancery,
Giglamps? "
" No, indeed! " replied the innocent Mr. Verdant Green;
"and I hope that I shall always keep out of it: lawsuits are so
very disagreeable and expensive."
Mlr. Bouncer had only time to remark sotto voce to Mr.
Flexible Shanks, " it is so jolly refreshing to take a rise out of
old Giglamps! " when a knock at the oak was heard; and, as
Mr. Bouncer roared out, "Come in!" the knocker entered.
He was rather dressy in his style of costume, and wore his
long dark hair parted in the middle.  Opening the door, and' liking into an attitude, he exclaimed in a theatrical tone and.' iiking into an attitude, he exclaimed in a theatrical tone and
r anner: " Scene, Mr. Bouncer's rooms in Brazenface; in the
f ntre a table, at which Mr. B. and party are discovered




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                1
drinking log-juice, and smoking cabbage-leaves. Door, left,
third entrance; enter the Putney Pet. Slow music; lights
half-down."  And standing on one side, the speaker motioned
to a second gentleman to enter the room.
There was no mistaking the profession of this gentleman;
even the inexperience of Mr. Verdant Green did not require
to be informed that the Putney Pet was a prizefighter.
"Bruiser" was plainly written in his personal appearance,
from his hard-featured, low-browed, battered, hang-dog Pace,
to his thickset frame, and the powerful muscular development
of the upper part of his person. His close-cropped thatch of
hair was brushed down tightly to his head, but was permitted
to burst into the luxuriance of two small ringlets, which
dangled in front of each huge ear, and were as carefully curled
and oiled as though they had graced the face of beauty. The
Pet was attired in a dark olive-green cutaway coat, buttoned
over a waistcoat of a violent-coloured plaid,-a pair of white
cord trousers that fitted tightly to the leg,-and a whitespotted blue handkerchief, which was twisted round a neck
that might have served as a model for the Minotaur's. In
his mouth, the Pet cherished, according to his wont, a sprig of
parsley; small fragments of which herb he was accustomed to
chew and spit out, as a pleasing relief to the monotony of
conversation.
The Pet, after having been proclaimed victor in more than
one of those playfully frolicsome " Frolics of the Fancy," in
which nobly born but ignobly-minded " Corinthians " formerly
invested so much interest and money, had at length matched
his powers against the gentleman who bore the title of "the
champion of the ring; " but, after a protracted contest: of two
hours and a half, in which one hundred and nineteen rounds
had been fought, the Pet's eyes had been completely closed
up by an amusing series of blows from the heavy fists of the
more skilful champion; and as the Pet, moreover, was so
battered and bruised, and was altogether so "groggy" that he
was barely able to stand up to be knocked down, his humane
second had thrown up the sponge in acknowledgment of his
defeat. But though unable to deprive the champion of his
belt, vet-as T'itinnabulum's Life informed its.rea4ers on the
following Sunday, in its report of this " matchless encounter, 
-  the Putney Pet had " established a reputation;" and a reputation is a reputation, even though it be one which may
be offensive to the nostrils. Retiring, therefore, from  the
more active public duties of his profession, he took unto him




20    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
self a wife and a beershop,-for it -seems to be a freak of " the
Fancy," when they retire from  one public line to go into
another,-and placing the former in charge of the latter, the
Pet came forth to the world as a " Professor of the noble art
of Self-defence."
It was in this phase of his existence, that Mr. Fosbrooke had
the pleasure of forming his acquaintance. Mr. Fosbrooke had
received a card, which intimated that the Pet would have great
pleasure in giving him " lessons in the noble and manly art oJ
Self-defence, either at the gentleman's own residence, or at the
Pet's spacious Sparring Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane,
which is fitted up with every regard to the comfort and convenience of his pupils.  Gloves are provided. N.B. —Ratting
sports at the above crib every evening. Plenty of rats always on
hand. Use of the Pit gratis." Mr. Fosbrooke, having come
to the wise conclusion that every Englishman ought to know
how to be able to use his fists in case of need, and being quite
of the opinion of the gentleman who said:-" my son should
even learn to box, for do we not meet with imposing tollkeepers, and insolent cabmen? and, as he can't call them out,
he should be able to knock them down," * at once put himself
under the Pet's tuition; and, as we have before seen, still kept
up his practice with the gloves, when he had got to his own
rooms at Brazenface.
But the Pet had other Oxford pupils than Mr. Fosbrooke 
and he took such an affectionate interest in their welfare, that
he came down from Town two or three times in each term, to
see if his pupils' practice had made them perfect in the art. One
of the Pet's pupils, was the gentleman who had now introduced
him to Mr. Bouncer's rooms. His name was Foote, but he was
commonly called " Footelights; " the addition having been
made to his name by way of sobriquet to express his unusual
fondness for the stage, which amounted to so great a passion,
that his very conversation was redolent of "the footlights.'
He had only been at St. John's a couple of terms, and Mr.
Fosbrooke had picked up his acquaintance through the medium
of the Pet, and had afterwards made him known to most of the
men who were now assembled at Mr. Bouncer's wine.
"Your servant, gents! " said the Pet, touching his forehead;
and making a scrape with his leg, by way of salutation.
"Hullo, Pet! " returned Mr. Bouncer; "bring yourself to
an anchor, my man."  The Pet accordingly anchored himsell
* "A Bachelor of Arts," Act L




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                21
by dropping on to the edge of a chair, and placing ih. nat
underneath it; while Huz and Buz smelt suspiciously round his
legs, and looked at him with an expression of countenance which
bore a wonderful resemblance to that which they gazed upon.
"Never mind the dogs; they're amiable little beggars,"
observed Mlr. Bouncer, "and they never bite any one except in
play. Now then, Pet, what sort of liquors are you given to P
Here are Claret liquors, Port liquors, Sherry liquors, egg-flip
liquors, Cup liquors. You pays your money, and you taker
your choice!-"
"Well, sir, thankee!" replied the Pet, "I ain't no ways
pertikler, but if you have sich a thing as a glass o' sperrits,
I'd prefer that-if not objectionable."
"In course not, Pet! always call for what you like. We
keep all sorts of liquors, and are allowed to get drunk on
the premises. Ain't we, Giglamps?"  Firing thiss raking
shot as he passed our hero, little Mr. Bouncer dived into
the cupboard which served as his wine-bin, and brought therefrom two bottles of brandy and whiskey which he set before
the Pet. "If you like gin or rum, or cherry-brandy, or oldtom, better than these liquors," said Mr. Bouncer, astonishing the Pet with the resources of a College wine-cellar, "just
say the word, and you shall have them.' I can call spirits
from the vasty deep;' as Shikspur says. How will you take
it, Pet?  Neat, or adulterated?  Are you for callidum cum,
orfrigidum sine-for hot-with, or cold-without? "
"I generally takes my sperrits'ot, sir —if not objectionable; "
replied  the Pet deferentially.  Whereupon  Mr. Bo
seizing his speaking-trumpet, roared through it from  the
top  of the stairs, "Rob-ert!  Rob-ert!"   But, as Mir:
Filcher did not answer the summons, Mr. Bouncer threw up
the window  of his room, and bellowed out "Rob-ert" in
tones which must have been perfectly audible in the High
Street. "Doose take the feller, he's always over at the
Buttery;" said the incensed gentleman.
"I'll go up to old Sloe's room, and get his kettle," said
Mr. Smalls; "he teas all day long to keep himself awake for
reading. If he don't mind, he'll blow himself up with his
gunpowder tea before he can take his double-first."
By the time Mr. Smalls had re-appeared with the kettle,
Mr. Filcher had thought it prudent to answer his master's
summons.
"Did you call, sir?" asked the scout, as though he was
doubtful on that point.




32   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
"Call! " said Mr. Bouncer, with great irony; " oh, no  cd
course not! I should rather think not! Do you suppose that
you are kept here that parties may have the chance of hollering
out their lungs for you?  Don't answer me, sir! but get some
hot water, and some more glasses; and be quick about it."
Mr. Filcher was gone immediately; and, in three minutes,
everything was settled to Mr. Bouncer's satisfaction, and he
gave Mr. Filcher farther orders to bring up coffee an.d anchovy
toast, at half-past eight o'clock.  "Now, Pet, my beauty!"
said the little gentleman, "you just walk into the liquors;
because you've got some toughish  work before you, you
knQw."
The Pet did not require any pressing, but did as he was told;
and, bestowing a collective nod on the company, drank their
healths with the prefatory remark, "I looks to-wards you gents!"
"Will you poke a smipe, Pet? " asked Mr. Bouncer, rather
enigmatically; but, as he at the same time placed before the
Pet a " yard of clay " and a box of cigars, the professor of the
art of self-defence perceived that he was asked to smoke a pipe.
"That's right, Pet! " said the Honourable Flexible Shanks,
condescendingly, as the prizefighter scientifically filled the
bowl of his pipe; " I'm  glad to see you join us in a bit of
smoke.  We're all Baccy-nalians now I
"Shanks, you're incorrigible!" said Charles Larkyns; "and
don't you remember what the Oxford Parodies say?" and in
his clear, rich voice, Mr. Larkyns sang the two following verses
to the air of " Love not:"Smoke not, smoke not, your weeds nor pipes of clay;
Cigars they are made from leaves of cauliflowers -.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.
Things that are doomed no duty e'er to pay;Grown, made, and smoked in a few short hours.
Smoke not-smoke not!
Smoke not, smoke not, the weed you smoke may change
The healthfulness of your stomachic tone;
Things to the eye grow queer and passing strange;
All thoughts seem undefined-save one-to be alone!
Smoke not-smoke not!
"I know what you're thinking about, Giglamps," Eald Mr,
Bouncer, as Charles Larkyns ceased his parody  amid  an
approving clatter of glasses; " you were thinking of your first
weed on the night of Small's quiet party: wer'nt you now, old
feller?  Ah, you've learnt to poke a smipe, beautiful, since
then.  Pet, here's your health.  I'll give you a toast and sintiment, gentlemen.  May the Gown give the Town a jolly good
hiding!"  The sentiment was received with great applause, and
the toast was drunk with all the honours, and followed by the
customary but inappropriate chorus, "For he's a jolly good
fellow! " without the singing of which Mr. Bouncer could not
allow any toast to pass.
" How many cads could you lick at once, one off and the
other on? " asked Mr. Fosbrooke of the Pet, with the air of
Boswell when he wanted to draw out the Doctor.
" Well, sir," said the Pet, with the modesty of true genius,
"I wouldn't be pertickler to a score or so, as long as I'd got
my back well up agin some'ut, and could hit out."
"What an effective tableau it would be!" observed Mr.
Foote, who had always an eye to dramatic situations.  "Enter
the Pet, followed by twenty townspeople.  First T.P.-Yield,
traitor! Pet-Never! the man who would yield when ordered
to do so, is unworthy the name of a Pet and an Englishman!
Floors the twenty- T.P.'s one after the other. Tableau, blue
fire.  Why, it would surpass the British sailor's broadsword
combat for six, and bring down the house."
"Talking of bringing down," said Mr. Blades, "did you
remember to bring down a cap and gown for the Pet, as I told
you?"
"Well, I believe those were the stage directions," answered
Mr. Foote; " but, really, the wardrobe was so ill provided that
It would only supply a cap.  But perhaps that will do for a
uper.
" If by a super you mean a supernumerary, Footelights," said
Mr. Cheke, the gentleman-cuommoner of Corpus, " then the Pet
isn't one. He's the leading character of what you would call
the dramatis personae."




24  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,' True," replied Mr. Foote, " he's cast for the hero; though
he will create a new r6le as the walking-into-them gentleman."
"You see, Footelights," said Mr. Blades, "that the Pet is to
lead our forces; and we depend upon him to help us on to
victory: and we must put him  into academicals, not only
because the town cads must think he is one of us, but also
because the proctors might otherwise deprive us of his services
-and old Towzer, the Senior Proctor, in particular, is sure to
he all alive. Who's got an old gown? "
"I will lend mine with pleasure," said Mr. Verdant Green.
"But you'll want it yourself, said Mr. Blades.
" Why, thank you," faltered our hero, " I'd rather, I think,
keep within college. I can see the-the fun-yes, the funfrom the window."
" Oh, blow it, Giglamps! " ejaculated Mr. Bouncer, "you'll
never go to do the mean, and show the white feather, will
you?"
" Music expressive of trepidation," murmured Mr. Foote, by
way of parenthesis.
"But," pursued our hero, apologetically, "there will be, I
dare say, a large crowd."
"A very powerful caste, no doubt," observed Mr. Foote.
"And I may get my-yes, my spectacles broken; and
then ""And then, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, "why, and then
you shall be presented with another pair as a testimonial of
affection from yours truly.  Come, Giglamps, don't do the
mean! a man of your standing, and with a chest like that! "
and the little gentleman sounded on our hero's shirt-front, as
doctors do when they stethoscope a patient.  "Come, Giglamps, old feller, you mustn't refuse. You didn't ought to
was, as Shakspeare says."
"Pardon me! Not Shakspeare, but Wright, in the' Green
Bushes,'  interrupted Mr. Foote, who was as painfully anxious
as Mr. Payne Collier himself that the text of the great poet
should be free from corruptions.
So Mr. Verdant Green, reluctantly, it must be confessed,
suffered himself to be persuaded to join that section of the
Gown which was to be placed under the leadership of the
redoubted Pet; while little Mr. Bouncer, who had gone up into
Mr. Sloe's rooms, and had vainly endeavoured to persuade that
gentleman to join in the forthcoming me'lee, returned with an
undergraduate's gown, and forthwith invested the Pet with it.
"I don't mind this'ere mortar-board, sir," remarked the




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                2,
professor of the noble art of self-defence, as he pointed to the
academical cap which surmounted his head, " I don't mind the
mortar-board, sir; but I shall never be able to do nothink with
this'ere toggery on my shudders. I couldn't use my mawleys
no how!"   And the Pet illustrated his remark in a professional manner, by sparring at an imaginary opponent in a
feeble and unscientific fashion.
"But you can tie the tail-curtain round your shoulderslike this! "' said Mr. Fosbrooke, as he twisted his own gown
tightly round him.
But the Pet had taken a decided objection to the drapery:
"The costume would interfere with the action," as Mr. Foote
remarked, "and the management of a train requires great
practice."
"You see, sir," said the Pet, "I ain't used to the feel of it,
and I couldn't go to business properly, or give a straight
aosender no how. But the mortar-board ain't of so much consekvence."  So a compromise was made; and it was agreed
that the Pet was to wear the academicals until he had arrived
at the scene of action, where he could then pocket the gowl,
and resume it on any alarm of the Proctor's approach.
"Here, Giglamps, old feller! get a priming of fightingpowder!" said little Mr. Bouncer to our hero, as the party
were on the point of sallying forth; "it'11 make you hit out
from your shoulder like a steam-engine with the chill off."
And, as Mr. Bouncer whispered to Charles Larkyns,
"So he kept his spirits up
By pouring spirits down,"
Verdant — who felt extremely nervous, either from excitement
or from fear, or from a pleasing mixture of both sensationsdrank off a deep draught of something which was evidently not
drawn from Nature's spring or the college pump; for it first
took away his breath, and made his eyes water; and it next
na le him cough, and endeavour to choke himself; andit then
n ade his face flush, and caused him to declare that " the first
snob who'sulted him should have a sound whopping."
" Brayvo, Giglamps!" cried little Mr. Bouncer, as he patted
him on the shoulder; " come along! You're the right sort of
fellow for a Town and Gown, after all  "
7




26    WE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. TERDANT
CHAPTER IV.
MB. VERDANT GREEN DISCOVERS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
TOWN AND GOWN.
Ir was ten minutes past nine, and Tom,* with sonorous voice1
was ordering all College gates to be shut, when the wine party,
which had just left Mr. Bouncer's room, passed round the corner
of St. Mary's, and dashed across the High. The Town and
Gown had already begun.
As usual, the Town had taken the initiative; and, in a dense
body, had made their customary sweep of the High Street,
driving all before them. After this gallant exploit had been
accomplished to the entire satisfaction of the oppidans, the
Town had separated into two or three portions, which had
betaken themselves to the most probable fighting points, and
had gone where glory waited them, thirsting for the blood, or, at
any rate, for the bloody noses of the gowned aristocrats. WoE
betide the luckless gownsman, who, on such an occasion, ventures
abroad without an escort, or trusts to his own unassisted powers
to defend himself! He is forthwith pounced upon by some
score of valiant Townsmen, who are on the watch for these
favourable opportunities for a display of their personal prowess,
and he may consider himself very fortunate if he is able to get
back to his College with nothing worse than black eyes and
bruises.  It is so seldom  that the members of the Oxford
snobocracy have the privilege afforded them of using their fists
on the faces and persons of the members of the Oxford aristocracy, that when they do get the chance, they are unwilling
to let it slip through their fingers. Dark tales have, indeed,
been told, of solitary and unoffending undergraduates having,
on such occasions,, not only received a severe handling from
those same fingers, but also having been afterwards, through
their agency, bound by their own leading strings to the rails of
the Radcliffe, and there left ignominiously to struggle, and
* The great bell of Christ Church. It tolls 101 times each evening at
ten minutes past nine o'clock (there being 101 students on the foundation)
and marks the time for the closing of the college gates. "Tom " is one
of the lions of Oxford.  It formerly belonged to Oseney Abbey. and
weighs about 17,000 pounds, being more than double the weight of
the great bell of St. Paul's.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                  27
shout for assistance.  And darker tales still have been told of
luckless Gownsmen having been borne " leg and wing " fashion
to the very banks of the Isis, and there ducked, amidst the
jeers and taunts of their persecutors. But such tales as these
are of too dreadful a nature for the conversation of Gownsmen,
and  are very properly believed to be myths scandalously
propagated ly the Town.
The crescent moon shone down on Mr. Bouncer's party, and
gave ample light
To light them on their prey.
A noise and shouting,-which quickly made our hero's BobAcreish resolutions ooze out at his fingers' ends, — was
heard coming from the direction of Oriel Street; and a small
knot of Gownsmen, who had been cut off from a larger body,
appeared, manfully retreating with their faces to the foe,fighting
as they fell back, but driven by superior numbers up the narrow
street, by St. Mary's Hall,
and past the side of Spiers's  I\            ________
shop into the High Street.
" Gown to the rescue!" 
shouted Mr. Blades, as he 
dashed across the street;  t   i:
afcome on, Pet! ere wea b     
are in the thick of it, just                          I,
in the nick of time!" and, m
closely followed by Charles                           pour
Larkyns, Mr. Fosbrooke,
Mr. Smalls, Mr. Bouncer,  Itiii, 
MNr. Flexible Shanks,  Mr.    K                   --
Cheke,  Mr. Foote, and'-I;i "l'
our  hero, and' the  rest
of the  party, they soon'. 
plunged in medias res.
The movement was par-,..
ticularly well-timed, for the "
small body of Gownsmen
were  beginning  to  get
ronghly handled; but the
succour afforded  by  the 
Pet and  his party soon 
changed  the  aspect  of
affairs; and, after a brief    -
skirmish, there was a ternporary cessation of hostilities.  As reinforcements poured




18       FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT OREEN,
In on either side, the mob which represented the Town
wavered, and spread themselves across on each side of the High;
while a huge, lumbering bargeman, who appeared to be the generalissimo of their forces, delivered himself of a brief but energetic
speech, in which he delivered his opinion of Gownsmen in
general, and his immediate foes in particular, in a way which
would have to be expressed in proper print chiefly by blanks,
and which would have assuredly entailed upon him a succession
of five-shilling fines, had he been in a court of justice, and
before a magistrate.
"Here's a pretty blank) I don't think!" he observed in
conclusion, as he pointed to Mr. Verdant Green, who was
nervously settling his spectacles, and wishing himself safe back
in his own rooms; " I would'nt give a blank for such a blank
blank. I'm blank, if he don't look as though he'd swaller'd a
blank codfish, and had bust out into blank barnacles!"  As the
Bargee was apparently regarded by his party as a gentleman of infinite humour, his highly-flavoured blank remarkswere received by
them with shouts of laughter; while our hero obtained far more
of the digito monstrari share of public notice than he wished for.
For some brief space, the warfare between the rival parties
of Town and Gown continued to be one merely of words-a
mutual discharge of epea pteroenta (vulgariter " chaff"), i*
which a small amount of sarcasm was mingled with a large
share of vituperation. At length, a slang rhyme of peculiar
offensiveness was used to a Wadham  gentleman, which so
exasperated him  that he immediately, by way of a forcible
reply, sent his fist full into the speaker's face. On this, a
collision' took place between those who formed the outside of
the crowd; and the Gowns flocked together to charge en masse.
Mr. Verdant Green was not quite aware of this sudden movement, and, for a moment, was cut off from the rest. This did
not escape the eyes of the valiant Bargee, who had already
singled out our hero as the one whom he could most easily
punish, with the least chance of getting quick returns for his
small profits. Forthwith, therefore, he rushed to his victim,
and aimed a heavy blow at him, which Verdant only half
avoided by stooping. Instinctively doubling his fists, our hero
found that' Necessity was, indeed, the mother of Invention;
and, with a passing thought of what would be his mother's
and Aunt Virginia's feelings could they see him fighting in the
public streets With a common bargeman, he contrived to guard
off the second blow. But at the next furious lounge of the
Bargee he was not quite so fortunate, and, receiving that




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                   29
gentleman's heavy fist full in his forehead, he staggered backwards, and was only prevented from measuring his length on
the pavement by falling against the iron gates of St. Mary's.
The delighted Bargee was just on the point of putting the
coup de grace to his attack, when, to Verdant's inexpressible
delight and relief, his lumbering antagonist was sent sprawling
by a well-directed blow on his right ear.  Charles Larkyns,
who had kept a friendly eye on our hero, had spied his condition, and had sprung to his assistance.  He was closely
followed by the Pet, who had divested himself of the gown
which had encumbered his shoulders, and was now freely
striking out in all directions. The fight had become general,
and fresh combatants had sprung up on either side.
" Keep close to me, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns,-quite
unnecessarily, by the way, as our hero had no intention of
doing otherwise until he saw a way to escape; " keep close to
me, and I'll take care you are not hurt."
"Here ye are! " cried the Pet, as he set his back against the
stone-work flanking the iron gates of the church, immediately
m front of one of the curiously twisted pillars of the Porch; *
" come on, half a dozen of ye, and let me have a rap at your
smellers!" and he looked at the mob in the " Come one, come
* The porch was erected in 1637 by order of Archbishop Laud. In
the centre of the porch is a statue of the Virgin with the Child in her arms,
holding a small crucifix; which at the time of its erection gave such
offence to the Puritans that it was included in the articles of impeachment
agBsnt the Archbishop. The statue remains to this day.




)O   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
all defiant" fashion of Fitz-James; while Charles Larkynl
and Verdant set their backs against the church gates, and
prepared for a rush.
The Bargee came up furious, and hit out wildly at Charles
Larkynrs; but science was more than a match for brute force;
and, after receiving two or three blows which caused him  to
shake his head in a don't-like-it sort of way, he endeavoured to
iurn hisattention to Mr. Verdant Green, who, with head in
sir, was taking the greatest care of his spectacles, and endeavouring to ward off the indiscriminate lunges of half a dozen
townsmen.   The Bargee's charitable designs on our hero were,
however, frustrated by the opportune appearance of Mr. Blades
and Mr. Cheke, the gentleman-commoner of Corpus, who, in
their turn, were closely followed by Mr. S.lnalls and Mr




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                  31
Flexible Shanks; and Mr. Blades exclaiming, " Tere'a     a
smasher for your ivories, my fine fellowl" followed up the
remark with a practical application of his fist to the part
referred to; whereupon, the Bargee fell back with a howl,
and gave vent to several curse-ory observations, and blank
remarks.
All this time the Pet was laying about him in the most
determined manner; and, to  judge from  his professional
observations, his scientific acquirements were in full play. He
had agreeable remarks for each of his opponents; and, doubt.
less, the punishment which they received from his stalwart
arms came with more stinging force when the parts affected
were pointed out by his illustrative language. To one gentleman he would pleasantly observe, as he tapped him  on the
chest, " Bellows to mend for you, my buck! " or else, "There's
a regular rib-roaster for you!" or else, in the still more
elegant imagery of the Ring, "There's a squelcher in the
bread-basket, that'll stop'yr dancing; my kivey!"  While
to another he would cheerfully remark, " Your head-rails were
loosened there, wasn't they  " or, "'How about the kissingtrap?" or," That draws the bung from the beer-barrel I'm  a
thinkin'."  While to another he would say, as a fact not to be
disputed, "You napp'd it heavily on your whisker-bed, didn't
you? " or, " That'll raise a tidy mouse on your ogle, my lad! "
or, "That'll take the bark from your nozzle, and distil the
Dutch pink for you, won't it?"  While to another he would
mention as an interesting item of news, " Now we'll tap your
best October  " or, "There's a crack on your snuff-box  " or,
"That'll damage your potato-trap  "  Or else he would kindly
inquire of one gentleman, "What d've ask a pint for your
cochineal dye? "or would amiably recommend another that, as
his peepers were a goin' fast, he'd best put up the shutters,
because the early-closing movement ought to be follered out.
A11 this was done in the cheeriest manner; while, at the sare
time, the Pet proved himself to be not only a perfect master
of his profession, but also a skilful adept in those figures of
speech, or " nice derangements of epitaphs," as Mrs. Malaprop
calls them, in which the admirers of the fistic art so much
delight. At every blow, a fresh opponent either fell or staggered off; the supremacy of the Pet was complete, and his
claim  to be considered a Professor of the noble and  &nLly art
of Self-defence was triumphantly established.  "The Putney
Pet " was a decidedly Valuable acquisition to the side of Gown
Soon the crowd became thinner, as those of the Town who




82    THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
liked to give, but not to receive hard blows, stole off to other
quarters; and the Pet and his party would have been left
peaceably to themselves. But this was not what they wanted,
as long as fighting was going on elsewhere; even Mr. Verdant
Green began to feel desperately courageous as the Town took
to their heels, and fled; and, having performed prodigies of
valour in almost knocking down a small cad who had had the
temerity to attack him, our hero felt himself to be a hero
indeed, and announced his intention of pursuing the mob, and
sticking close to Charles Larkyns,-taking especial care to do
the latter.
"All the savage soul of fiht was up;"
and the Gown following the scattered remnant of the flying
Town, ran them round by All Saints' Church, and up the
Turl.
Here another Town and Gown party had fought their way
from the Corn-market; and the Gown, getting considerably
the worst of the conflict,, had taken refuge within Exeter
College by the express order of the Senior Proctor, the Rev
Thomas Tozer, more familiarly known as "old Towzer."  He
had endeavoured to assert his proctorial authority over the
mob of the townspeople; but the profanum vulgus had not
only scoffed and jeered him, but had even torn his gown, and
treated his velvet sleeves with the indignity of mud; while the
only fireworks which had been exhibited on that evening had
been let off in his very face. Pushed on, and hustled by the




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 39
mob, and only partially protected by his Marshal and Bull.
dogs,* he was saved from further indignity by the arrival of a
small knot of Gownsmen, who rushed to his rescue. Their
number was too small, however, to make head against the
mob, and the best that they could do was to cover the Proctor's
retreat.  Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was short, and inclined
to corpulence, and, although not wanting for courage, yet the
exertion of defending himself from a superior force, was not
only a fruitless one, but was, moreover, productive of much
unpleasantness and perspiration.  Deeming, therefore, that
discretion was the better part of valour, he fled (like those
who tended, or ought to have attended to, the flocks of Mr.
Norval, Sen.)
"for safety and for succour;"
and, being rather short of the necessary article of wind, by the
time that he had reached Exeter College, he had barely breath
enough left to tell the porter to keep the gate shut until he
had assembled a body of Gownsmen to assist him in capturing
those daring ringleaders of the mob who had set his authority
at defiance. This was soon done; the call to arms was made,
and every Exeter man who was not already out, ran to " old
Towzer's " assistance,
"Now, Porter," said Mr. Tozer, "unbar the gate without
noise, and I will look forth to observe the position of the
mob.  Gentlemen, hold yourselves in readiness to secure the
ringleaders."
The porter undid the wicket, and the Rev. Thomas Tozer
cautiously put forth his head. It was a rash act; for,t no
sooner had his nose appeared round the edge of the wicket,
than it received a flattening blow from the fist of an active
gentleman who, like a clever cricketer, had been on the lookout for an opportunity to get in to his adversary's wicket.
"Oh, this is painful! this is very painful! " ejaculated Mr.
lozer, as he rapidly drew in his head. " Close the wicket
directly, porter, and keep it fast."  It was like closing the
gates of Hougomont.   The  aotive  gentleman  who  had
damaged Mr. Tozer's nose threw  himself against the wicket,
his comrades assisted him, and the porter had some difficulty
in obeying the Proctor's orders.
" Oh, this is painful! " murmured the Rev. Thomas Tozer,
as he applied a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; "this is
* The Marshal is the Proctor' chief officer. The name of' Bull-dogs'
is given to the two inferior officers who attend the Proctor ia his nig tly
rouuds.
a~~anda
^ ~  ~     ~?




84   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF.MR. VERDANT GREEN,
painful, this is very painful! this is exceedingly painful,
gentlemen!"
He was immediately surrounded by sympathising undergraduates, who begged him to allow them at once to charge
the Town; but " old Towzer's " spirit seemed to have been
aroused by the indignity to which he had been forced so
publicly to submit, and he  replied that, as soon as the
bleeding had ceased, he would lead them forth in person. An
encouraging cheer followed this courageous  resolve, and
was echoed from without by the derisive applause of the Town.
When Mr. Tozer's nose had ceased to bleed, the signal was
given for the gates to be thrown open; and out rushed Proctor,
MIarshall, Bull-dogs, and undergraduates. The Town was in
great force, and the fight became desperate. To the credit ol
the Town, be it said, they discarded bludgeons and stones,
and fought, in John Bull fashion, with their fists. Scarcely a
stick was to be seen. Singling out his man, Mr. Tozer made
at him valiantly, supported by his Bull-dogs, and a small band
of Gownsmen. But the heavy gown and velvet sleeves were a
grievous hindrance to the Proctor's prowess; and, although
supported on either side by his two attendant Bull-dogs, yet
the weight of his robes made poor Mr. Tozer almost as harmw.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                  86
less as the blind King of Bohemia between his two faithful
knights at the battle of Crecy; and, as each of the party had
to look to, and fight for himself, the Senior Proctor soon found
himself in an awkward predicament.
The cry of "Gown to the rescue! " therefore, fell pleasantly
on his ears; and the reinforcement headed by Mr. Charles
Larkyns and his party, materially improved the aspect of affairs
on the side of Gown. Knocking down a cowardly fellow, who
was using his heavy-heeled boots on the body of a prostrate
undergraduate, Mr. Blades, closely followed by the Pet, dashed
in to the Proctor's assistance; and never in a Town and Gown
was assistance more timely rendered; f9r the Rev. Thomas
Tozer had just received his first knock-down blow! By the
help of Mr. Blades the fallen chieftain was quickly replaced
upon his legs; while the Pet stepped before him, and struck
out skilfully right and left. Ten more minutes of scientific
pugilism, and the fate of the battle was decided. The Town
fled every way; some round the corner by Lincoln College;
some up the Turl towards Trinity; some down Ship Street;
and some down by Jesus College, and Market Street. A few
of the more resolute made a stand in Broad Street; but it was
of no avail; and they received a sound punishment at the hands
of the Gown, on the spot, where, some three centuries before,
certain mitred Gownsmen had bravely suffered martyrdom.*
Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was a strict disciplinarian, and,
although he had so materially benefited by the Pet's assistance,
yet, when he perceived that that pugilistic gentleman was not
possessed of the full complement of academical attire, the
duties of the Proctor rose superior to the gratitude of the
Man; and, with all the sternness of an ancient Roman Father,
he said to the Pet, " Wh  have you not on your gown, sir?"
"I ax your pardon, gav'nor " replied the Pet, deferentially,
" I didn't so much care about the mortar-board, but I couldn't
do nothin' nohow with the t'other thing, so I pocketted him;
but some cove must have gone and prigged him, for he ain't
here."
"I am unable to comprehend the nature of your language,
sir," observed the Rev. Thomas Tozer, angrily; for, what with
The exact spot where Archbishop Cranmer and Bishops Ridley and
Latimer suffered martyrdom is not known. " The most likely supposition
is, that it was in the town ditch, the site of which is now occupied by the
houses in Broad Street, which are immediately opposite the gateway of
Balliol College, or the footpath in front of them, where an eateyi'Layer of wood-ashes is known to remain." -(Parker.)




86   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VEITDANT GREEN,
his own excitement, and the shades of evening which had stolen
over and obscured the Pet's features, he was unable to read
that gentleman's character and profession in his face, and therefore came to the conclusion that he was being chaffed by some
impudent undergraduate.  "I  don't in  the least under.
stand you, sir; but I desire at once to know your name, and
College, sir! "
The Putney Pet stared. If the Rev. Thomas Tozer had asked
him for the name of his Academy, he woald have been able to
have referred him to his spacious and convenient Sparring
Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane; but the enquiry for
his " College," was, in the language of his profession, a " regular
floorer."  Mr. Blades, however, stepped forward, and explained
matters to the Proctor, in a satisfactory manner.
" Well, well!" said the pacified Mr. Tozer to the Pet; "you
have used your skill very much to our advantage, and displayed
pugilistic powers not unworthy of the athletes, and xystics of
the noblest days of Rome. As a palastrite you would haw
I!
gainea palms in the gymnastic exercises of the Circum Maxinus.
You might even have proved a formidable rival to Dares, who,
a you, Mr. Blades, will remember, caused the death of Butew




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.               8?
at Hector's tomb. You will remember, Mr. Blades, that
Virgil makes mention of his' humeros latos,' and says:-'Nec quisquam ex agmine tanto 
Audet adire virum, manibusque inducere caestus;*
which, in our English idiom, would signify, that every one was
afraid to put on the gloves with him. And, as your skill,"
resumed Mr. Tozer, turning to the Pet, "has been exercised
in defence of my person, and in upholding the authority of the
University, I will overlook your offence in assuming that portion of the academical attire, to which you gave the offensive
epithet of " mortar-board; " more especially, as you acted at the
suggestion and bidding of those who ought to have known
better. And now, go home, sir, and resume your customary
head-dress; and-stay! here's five shillings for you."
"I'Fn much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, who
had been listening with considerable surprise to the Proctor's
quotations and comparisons, and Wondering whether the gentleman named Dares, who caused the death of beauties, was a'
member of the P.R., and whether they made it out a case of
manslaughter against him? and if the gaining palms in a
circus was the customary "flapper-shaking" before "toeing
the scratch for business? "-" I'm  much obleeged to you,
guv'nor," said the Pet, as he made a scrape with his leg;
" and, whenever you does come up to London, I'ope you'll
drop in at Cribb Court, and have a turn with the gloves!"
And the Pet, very politely, handed one of his professional
cards to the Rev. Thomas Tozer.
A little later than this, a very jovial supper party might
have been seen assembled in a principal room  at " the
Roebuck."  To enable them to be back within their college
walls, and save their gates, before the hour of midnight should
arrive, the work of consuming the grilled bones and welchrabbits was going on with all reasonable speed, the heavier
articles being washed down by draughts of " heavy."  After
the cloth was withdrawn, several songs of a misdellaneous
character were sung by "the professional gentlemen present,"
including, "by particular request," the celebrated "Marble
Halls " song of our hero, which was given with more coherency
than on a previous occasion, but was no less energetically led in
its " you-loved-me-still-the-same " chorus by Mr. Bouncer. The
Pet was proudly placed on the right hand of the chairman, Mr.
Blades; and, when his health was proposed, " with many thanks
to him for the gallant and plucky manner in which he had led
* An., Book v., 378.




38   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
on the Gown to a glorious victory," the " three times three,"
and the "one cheer more," and the "again," and "again,"
and the "one other little un! " were uproariously given (as
Mr. Foote expressed it) "by the whole strength of the
company, assisted by Messrs. Larkyns, Smalls, Fosbrooke,
Flexible Shanks, Cheke, and Verdant Green."
The forehead of the last-named gentleman was decorated
with a patch of brown paper, from which arose an aroma, as
though of vinegar. The battle of "Town and Gown " was over;
and Mr. Verdant Green was among the number of the wounded.
CHAPTER V.
MB. VERDANT GREEN  IS FAVOURED  WITH  MR. BOUNCER'8
OPINIONS  REGARDING  AN  UNDERGRADUATE'S  EPISTOLARY
COMMUNICATIONS TO HIS MATERNAL RELATIVE.
"COME  in, whoever you are! don't mind the dogs!"
shouted little Mr. Bouncer, as he lay, in an extremely
inelegant attitude, in
ll 1  I      a red morocco chair,
which was considerably
the worse for wear,
i I I'^   -    Jla  j     chiefly on account of
--           ( k            v \ I   the ill-usage it had to
put up with, in being
made to represent its'^^^-       Hi                       owner's   antagonist,
-__~-~* hi8PA M~ i/ll    i      whenever Mr. Bouncer
thought fit to practise
his fencing. "Oh! it's
you and Giglamps, is
1 ~X ~ lm~n'~.    ~ ~11 it, Charley? I'mjust
refreshing myself with
a weed, for I've been
desperately hard at work."
"What! Harry Bouncer devoting himself to study! But
this is the age of wonders," said Charles Larkyns, who entered
the room in company with 5Mr. Verdant Green, whose fore.
head still betrayed the effects of the blow he Had received a
few nights before.




AN OXFORb UNDERGRADJATE                  8
It ain't reading that I meant," replied Mr. Bouncer
"though that always does floor me, and no mistake! and what's
the use of their making us peg away so at Latin and Greek, I
can't make out. When I go out into society, I don't want to
talk about those old Greek and Latin birds that they make us
get up.  I dont want to ask any old dowager I happen to fall
in with at a tea-fight, whether she believes all the crammers
that Herodotus tells us, or whether she's well up in the
naughty tales and rummy nuisances that we have to pass no
end of our years in getting by heart. And when I go to a
ball, and do the light fantastic, I don't want to ask my partner
what she thinks about Euripides, or whether she prefers Ovid's
Metamorphoses to Ovid's Art of Love, and all that sort of
thing; and as for request- 
ing her to do me a problem 
of Euclid, instead of work- ~  
ing me any glorified slippers   f  
or woolleries, I'd scorn the
a.ction.  I ain't like you,            /  
Charley, and I'm  not guv                                I 
in the classics: I saw too "  l 
much of the beggars while        El
I was'at Eton  to take
kindly to'em; and just let
me once get through my
Greats, and see if I don't
precious soon dropthe ac- ll(l  \            LJ       I
quaintance of  those  old       l
classical parties!"           I"
"No you won't, old fellow!"  said Charles Larkyns;' "y'L'll find that    1
they'll stick to you through   J'
life, just like poor relations,
and you won't be able to            / 
shake them  off.  And you  71 1'      _i  ll_  lll
ought not to wish to do so, 
more especially as, in the end,
you willfind them to have  
been very rich relations."
"A sort of'0  my  prophetic soul, my uncle!'  I suppose,  Master  Charley,"'observed  M-  Bouncer;  "but
what I meant when I said that I hai oeen hard at work,
was, that I had been writing a letter: and, though I say it




40   THE FURTHER ADVENTUBES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
that ought not to say it, I flatter myself it's no end of a
good letter."
"Is it a love-letter?"  asked Charles Larkyns, who was
leaning against the mantel-piece, amusing himself with a
cigar which he had taken from Mr. Bouncer's box.
" A love-letter?" replied the little gentleman, contemptuously
-"_my gum! no; I should rayther think not! I may have done
many foolish things in my life, but I can't have the tender passion
laid to my charge.  No! I've been writing my letter to
the Mum: I always write to her once a term."  Mr. Bouncer,
it must be observed, always referred to his maternal relative
(his father had been long dead) by the epithet of " the Mum."
" Once a term!" said our hero, in a tone of surprise;
"why I always write home once or twice every week."
"You don't mean to say so, Giglamps! " replied Mr.
Bouncer, with admiration.  "Well, some fellers have what
you call a genius for that sort of thing, you see, though what
you can find to tell'em I can't imagine. But if I'd gone at
that pace I should have got right through the Guide Book by
this time, and then it would have been all U P, and I should
have been obleeged to have invented another dodge. You don't
seem to take, Giglamps? "
"Well, I really don't know what you mean," answered our
hero.
"Why," continued Mr. Bouncer, "you see, there's only the
Mum and Fanny at home: Fanny's my sister, Giglamps-a
regular stunner-just suit you!-and they,. you understand,
don't care to hear about wines, and Town and Gowns, and all
that-sort of thing; and, you see, I ain't inventive and that,
and can't spin a yarn about nothing; so, as soon as ever I
came up to Oxford, I invested mpney in a Guide Book; and I
began at the beginning, and I gave the Mum three pages of
Guide Book in each letter.  Of course, you see, the Mum
imagines it's all my own observation; and she thinks no end
of my letters, and says that they make her know Oxford
almost as well as if she lived here; and she, of course, makes
a good deal of me; and as Oxford's the place where I hang
out, you, see, she takes an interest in reading something about
the jolly old place."
"Of course," observed Mr. Verdant Green; " my mammamother, at least-and  bisters, always take pleasure in bearing
about Oxford; but your plan never occurred to me."
"It's a first-rater, and no mistake," said Mr. Bouncer,
confidently, "and saves a deal of trouble. I think of taking




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.               41
Jut. a patent for it — Bouncer's Complete Letter-Writer'-or
get some literary swell to put it into a book,' with a portrait
of the inventor;' it would be sure to sell. You see, it's what
you call amusement blended with information; and that's
more than you can say of most men's letters to the Home
department."
"Cocky  Palmer's, for instance," said Charles Larkyns,
"which always contained a full, true, and particular account of
his Wheatley doings. He used to go over there, Verdant, to
indulge in the noble sport of cock.fighting, for which he had a
most unamiable and unenviable weakness; that was the reason
why he was called' Cocky' Palmer. His elder brother-who
was a Pembroke man-was distinguished by the pronomen
Snuffy,' to express his excessive partiality for that titillating
compound."
" And Snuffy Palmer,"'remarked Mr. Bouncer, "was a long
sight better feller than Cocky, who was in the very worst set
in Brazenface. But Cocky did the Wheatley dodge once too
often, and it was a good job for the King of Oude, when his
friend Cocky came to grief, and had to take his name off the
books."
"You look as though you wanted a translation of this," said
Charles Larkyns to our hero, who had been listening to the
conversation with some wonderment,-understanding about as
much of it as many persons who attend the St. James's Theatre
understand the dialogue of the French Plays. "There are
College cabalia, as well as Jewish; and College surnames are
among these.'The King of Oude' was a man of the name of
Towlinson, who always used to carry into Hall with him a bottle
of'the King of Oude's Sauce,' for which he had some
mysterious liking, and without which he professed himself
unable to get through his dinner. At one time he was a great
friend of Cocky Palmer's, and used to go with him to the cockfights at Wheatley-that village just on the other side Shotover
Hill-where we did a' constitutional' the other day. Cocky, as
our respected friend says,'came to grief,' but was allowed to
save himself from expulsion by voluntarily, or rather in-voluntarily, taking his name off the books. When his connection
with Cocky had thus been ruthlessly broken,'the King' got
into a better set, and retrieved his character."
" The moral of which, my beloved Giglamps," observed Mr.
Bouncer, " is, that there are as many sets of men in a College
as there are of quadrilles in a ball-room, and that it's just as
easy to take your place in one as it is in another; but, that




42   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN,
when you've once taken up your position, you'll find it ain't an
easy thing, you see, to make a change for yourself, till the set
is broken up.  Whereby, Giglamps, you may comprehend what
a grateful bird you ought to be, for Charley's having put you
into the best set in Brazenface."
Mr. Verdant Green was heard to murmur, " sensible of
honour,-grateful for kindness,-endeavours to deserve,"-and
the other broken sentiments which are commonly made use oi
by gentlemen who get upon their legs to return thanks for
having been "tea-potted."
"If you like to hear it," said Mr. Bouncer, " I'll read you
my letter to the Mum. It,\ i~  J          >         ain't very private; and I
^4,'tl,.-that it'll serve you as a
t.  amodel."  se  go  e
aLet's have it by all
([:~~' Now ~1means, Harry   said
and  don't brathe on the glasses!    arle   Larkns.   theIt
"'  y dearest   other, f v mus been   ie an  interesting
yo, and I hope you an y    documen u; and I amr   cutrious to hear  hat it it'l'We go right.that you consider a model
~[~ "~t11' hist~            ~i['for   epistolary  communc i-/'"U,,,exhibi~cation  from  an  under~1JYPIZI'I "',~    graduate to his maternal
relative.'
"Off she goes then;
observed Mr. Bouncer;  lend me your ears-list, list, 0 list!
as the recruiting-sergeant or some other feller says in the Play.'Now, my little dears! look straight for'ard-blow your noses,
and don't brathe on the glasses!'" and Mr. Bouncer read the.etter, interspersing it with explanatory observations.
"' i iAy dearest mother,-I have been quite well since I left
iou, and I hope you and Fanny have been equally salubrious.'That's doing the civil, you see: now we pass on to statistics.
We-' e  had rain the day before yesterday, but we shall have a new
moon to-night.'-You see, the Mum always likes to hear about
the weather, so I get that out of the Almanack. Now we get
on to the interesting part of the letter. —' I will now tell you a
little about iferton Oolleqe.' —That's where I had just got to.
We go right through the Guide Book, you understand.-' The
iistory of this establishment is of peculiar importance, as
exhibiting the primary model of all the collegiate bodies in Ox jbrd




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE,                  4S
and Cambridge.  The statutes of Walter de ierton had been
more or less copied by all other founders in succession; and the
whole constitution of both Universities, as we now behold them,
may be, not without reason, ascribed to the liberality and munifcence of this truly great man.'-Truiy great man! that's no end
good, ain't it? observed Mr. Bouncer, in the manner of the'mobled queen is good' of Polonius.-' His sagacity and wisdom
led him to profit by the spirit of the times; his opulence enabled
him to lay the foundation of a nobler system; and the splendour
of his example induced others, in subsequent ages, to raise a
superstructure at once attractive and solid.'-That's piling it up
mountaynious, ain't it?-' The students were no longer dispersed
through the streets and lanes of the city, dwelling in insulated
houses, halls, inns, or hostels, subject to dubious control and
precarious discipline.'  That's stunnin', is'nt it? just like those
Times fellers write.-' But -placed under the immediate superin.
tendence of tutors and governors, and lodged in comfortable
chambers.  This was little less than an academical revolution;
and a new order of things may be'dated from this memorable era.
Love to Fanny; and, believe me your affectionate Son, Henry
Bouncer.'-If the Mum don't say that's first-rate, I'm a Dutchman! You see, I doni'twrite very close, so that this respectably
fills up three sides of a sheet of note-paper.  Oh, here's sonmething over the leaf.'P.S. I hope Stump and Rowdy have got
something for me, because I want some tin very bad.' That's all!
Well, Giglamps! don't you' call that quite a model letter for a
University man to send to his tender parient?"
"It certainly contains sonie interesting information," said
our hero, with a Quaker-like indirectness of reply.
"It seems to me, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, " that the
pith of it, like a lady's letter, lies in the postscript-the demand
for money."
"You see," observed the little gentleman in explanation,
"Stump and Rowdy are the beggars that have got all my
property till I come of age next year; and they only let me
have money at certain times, because it's what they facetiously
call tied-up: though why they've tied it up, or where they've
tied it up, I hav'nt the smallest idea. So, though I tick for
nearly everything,-for men at College, Giglamps, go upon tick
as naturally as the crows do on the sheep's backs,-I sometimes
am rather hard up for ready dibs; and then I give the Mum a
gentlemanly hint of this, and she tips me.  By-the-way," con
tinned Mr. Bouncer, as he re-read his postscript, " I must alter
the word' tin' into' money'; or else she'll be taking it literally




44   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
just as she did with the ponies.  Know what a pony is
Giglamps?"
"Why, of course I do," replied Mr. Verdant Green;
"besides which, I have kept one: he was an Exmoor pony,-a
bay one, with a long tail."
" Oh, Giglamps! You'll be the death of me some fine day,"
faintly exclaimed little Mr. Bouncer, as he slowly recovered
from an exhausting fit of laughter.  "You're as bad as the
Mum was. A pony means twenty-five pound, old feller. But
the Mum didn't know that; and when I wrote to her and said,'I'm very short; please to send me two ponies;' meaning, of
course, that I wanted fifty pound; what must she do, but write
back and say, that, with some difficulty, she had procured for
me two Shetland ponies, and that, as I was short, she hoped
they would suit my size. And, before I had time to send her
another letter, the two little beggars came.  Well, I couldn't
ride them both at once, like
the fellers do at Astley's;
1 1.          - r   so0 I. left one at Tollitt s,,1 C    and I rode the other down;I4l!1!        m 11' _1 nK the High, as cool as a
I was big for the pony; and
little beggars, I dare say
we look'd rather queer and
/ t i G i~-2_    original.  But the Proctor
m' 1rj <\, > Hhappened to see me; and
L^ Wi) l  F   Ihe cut up so doosed rough
about it, that I couldn't
show on the Shelties any
more;  and  Tollit was  obliged  to  get rid of them
for me."
" Well, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "it is to Tollitt's that
you must now go, as you keep your horse there. We want you
to join us in a ride."
"What!" cried out 1r. Bouncer, " old Giglamps going outside an Oxford hack once more!  Why, I thought you'd made
a vow never to do so again? "
"Why, I certainly did so," replied Mr. Verdant Green;
"but Charles Larkyns, during the holidays -tle vacation, at
least-was kind enough to take me out several rides; so I have
had a great deal of practice since last term."




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 4
"And you don't require to be strapped on, or to get inside
and pull down the blinds?" inquired Mr. Bouncer.
"Oh dear, no!" 
The fact was, that during the long vacation Charles Larkyns
had paid  considerable attention  to  our hero's equestrian
exercises; not so much, it must be confessed, out of friendship
for his friend, as that he might have an opportunity of riding
by the side of that friend's fair sister Mary, for whom he entertained something more than a partiality.  And herein, probably,
Mr. Charles Larkyns showed both taste and judgment.  For
there may be many things less pleasant in this world than
cantering down a green Warwickshire lane-on some soft
Bummer's day when the green is greenest and the blossoms
brightest-side by side with a charming girl whose nature is as
fight and sunny as the summer air and the summer sky.
Pleasant it is to watch the flushing cheek glow rosier than the
rosiest of all the briar-roses that stoop to kiss it.  Pleasant1 it
is to look into the lustrous light of tender eyes? and to see the




O6  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
loosened ringlets reeling with the motion of the ride. Pleasant
it is to canter on from lane to lane over soft moss, and springy
turf, between the high honeysuckle hedges, and the broadbranched beeches that meet overhead in a tangled embrace. But
pleasanter by far than all is it, to hug to one's heart the darling
fancy that she who is cantering on by your side in all the
witchery of her maiden beauty, holds you in her dearest
thoughts, and dowers you with all her wealth of love. Pleasant
rides indeed, pleasant fancies, and pleasant day-dreams, had the
long vacation brought to Charles Larkyns!
"Well, come along, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, " we'll go
to Charley Symonds' and get our hacks. You can meet us,
Harry, just over the Maudlin Bridge; and we'll have a canter
along the Henley road."
So Mr. Verdant Green and his friend walked into Holywell
Street; and passed under the archway up to Symonds' stables.
But the nervous trepidation which our hero had felt in the
same place on a previous occasion returned with full force when
his horse was led out in an exuberantly playful and "fresh"
condition.  The beast he had bestridden during his long
vacation rides, with his sister and his (and sister's) friend, was
a cob-like steed, whose placidity of temper was fully equalled
by its gravity of demeanour; and who would as soon have
thought of flying over a five-bar gate as he would of kicking up
his respectable heels both behind and before in the low-lived
manner recorded  of the Ethiopian "Old Joe."   But, if
" Charley Symonds'" hacks had been of this pacific and easygoing kind, it is highly probable that Mr. C. S. and his stud
would not have acquired  that popularity which  they had
deservedly achieved. For it seems to be a sine-qua-non with an
Oxford hack, that to general showiness of exterior, it must add
the power of enduring any amount of hard riding and rough
treatment in the course of the day which its pro-tem. proprietor
may think fit to inflict upon it; it being an axiom which has
obtained, as well in Universities as in other places, that it is of
no advantage to hire a hack unless you get out of him as much
as you can for your money; you won't want to use him tomorrow, so you don't care about over-riding him to-day.
But, all this time, Mr. Verdant Green is drawing on his
gloves, in the nervous manner that tongue-tied gentlemen go
through the same performance during the conversational spasms
of the first-set of Quadrilles; the groom is leading out the
exuberantly playful quadruped on whose hack Mr. Verdant
Green is to disport himself; Charles Larkylns is mounted; the




A,  OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                47
November sun is shinng brightly on the perspective of the
yard and stables, and the tower of New College; the dark archway gives one a peep of Holywell Street; while the cold blue
sky is flecked with gleaming pigeons.
At last, Mr. Verdant Green has scrambled into his saddle,
and is riding cautiously down the yard, while his heartbeats in
an alarming alarum-like way. As they ride under the archway, there, in the little room underneath it, is Mr. Four-inhand Fosbrooke, selecting his particular tandem-whip from a
group of some two score of similar whips kept there i:
readiness for their respective owners.
"Charley, you're a beast!" says Mr. Fosbrooke, politely
addressing himself to Mr. Larkyns; "I wanted Bouncer to
come with me in the cart to Abingdon, and I find that the little
man is engaged to you."  Upon which, Mr. Fosbrooke playfully raising his tandem-whip,'Mr. Verdant Green's horse
plunges, and brings his rider's head into concussion with the
lamp which hangs within the gateway; whereupon, the hat
falls off, and our hero is within an ace of following his hat's
example.




48   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
By a powerful exertion, however, he recovers his proper. — ~-           z/" position in the saddle, and
~/   ~,~-J      >,  proceeds in an agitated and
J~j (     a /r/_)}~ jolted condition, by Charles
arkyns's side, down Holywell
— ^ _..      a nStreet, past the Music Room,*
d  ll   and round by the Long Wall,
-7// --' -{!![and over Magdalen Bridge.
/f~L,  E     ~i ll A       Here they are soon joined by
Mr. Bouncer, mounted, acIcording to the custom of small
men, on one of Tollitt's tallest
horses, of ever-so-many hands
high.  As by this time our
-  __  r  hero has got more accustomed
_     to his steed, his courage gra5- 2_    dually returns, and he rides on
A'd^ —~"^-^ -_" — - "5 - A   with his companions very pleasantly, enjoying the magnificent distant view of his University.
When they have passed Cowley, some very tempting fences
are met with; and Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Larkyns, being unable
to resist their fascinations, put their horses at them, and'leap
in and out of the road in an insane Vandycking kind of way;
while an excited agriculturist, whose smock-frock heaves with
indignation, pours down denunciations on their heads.
"Blow that bucolical party!" says Mr. Bouncer  "he's no
right to interfere with the enjoyments of the animals. If they
break the fences, it ain't their faults; it's the fault of the
farmers for not making the fences strong enough to bear them.
Come along, Giglamps! put your beast at that hedge! he'll
take you over as easy as if you were sitting in an arm-chair."
But Mr. Verdant Green has doubts about the performance
of this piece of equestrian upholstery; and, thinking that the
arm-chair would soon become a reclining one, he is firm in his
refusal to put the leaping powers of his steed to the test. But
having, afterwards, obtained some "jumping powder" at a
certain small road-side hostelry to which Mr. Bouncer has
piloted the party, our hero, on his way back to Oxford, screws
up his courage sufficiently to gallop his steed desperately at a
ditch which yawns, a foot wide, before him. But to his immense
astonishment-not to say, disgust-the obtuse-minded quadruped gives a leap which would have taken him clear over a
* Now used for the Museum of the Oxford Architectural Society.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                   49
anal; and our hero, not being prepared for this very needless
display of agility, flies off the saddle at a tangent, and finds
~ ~'~.'-~,,~,  9!'~.,       r -i  ^ -L,3~-.
that his" vaulting ambition," had o'erleap'd itself, and fallen
on the other side-of the ditch.
"It ain't your fault,. Giglamps! ". says Mr. Bouncer, when
he has galloped after Verdant's steed, and has led it up to
him, and when he has ascertained that his friend is not in
the least hurt; but bas only broken-his glasses; "it ain't
your fault, Giglamps, old feller! it's the clumsiness of the
hack. He tossed you up, and could'nt catch you again! "
And so our hero rides back to Oxford.  But, before the
Term  has ended, he has become more accustomed to Oxford
hacks, and has made himself acquainted with' the respective
merits of the stables of Messrs. Symonds, Tollitt, and Pigg;
and has, moreover, ridden with the drag, and, in this way,
hunted the fabled foxes of Bsgley Wood, and Whichwood
lorest 




50   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GBERBN
CHAPTER VI.
MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL AND
DEXTERITY.
NOVEMBER is not always the month of fog and  mist and
dulness.  Oftentimes there are brilliant exceptions to that
generally-received rule of depressing weather, which, in this
month (according to our lively neighbours), induces the natives
of our English metropolis to leap in crowds from the Bridge of
IS LL & C0 
Waterloo. There are in November, days of calm beauty, which
are peculiar to that month-that kind of calm beauty which is
so often seen as the herald of decay.
But,, whatever weather the month may bring to' Oxford, it




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                61
never brings gloom or despondency to Oxford men. They are
a happily constituted set of beings, and can always create their
own amusements; they crown Minerva with flowers without
heeding her influenza, and never seem to think that the rosybosomed Hours may be laid up with bronchitis. Winter and
summer appear to be pretty much the same to them: reading
and recreation go hand-in-hand all the year round; and, among
other pleasures, that of boating finds as many votaries in cold
November, as it did in sunny June-indeed, the chilness of
the air, in the former month, gives zest to an amusement which
degenerates to hard labour in the dog-days. The classic Isis
in the month of November, therefore, whenever the weather, is
anything like favourable, presents an animated scene. Eightoars pass, along, the measured pull of the oars in the rowlocks
marking the time in musical cadence with their plashing dip in
the water; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the glassy surface of the river; men lounge about in the house-boats and
barges, or gather together at King's, or Hall's, and indus.
triously promulgate small talk and tobacco-smoke. All is gay
-  -(o
and bustling.. Although the feet of the strollers in the ChristChurch meadows rustle through the sere and yellow leaf, yet
rich masses of brown an'd russet foliage still hang upon the
trees, and light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a cold
but bright blue; the distant hills and woods are mellowed




52   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
into sober purplish-gray tints, but over them the s'in looke
down with ~that peculiar red glow which is only  seen in
November.
It was one of these bright days of "the month of gloom,"
that Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns being in
the room of their friend Mr. Bouncer, the little gentleman
snquired, "Now then! what are you two fellers up to?  I'm
game for anything, I  am! from  pitch-and-toss to  manslaughter."
"I'm  afraid," said Charles Larkyns, "that we can't accommodate you in either amusement, although we are going down
to the river, with which Verdant wishes to renew his acquaintance. Last term, you remember, you picked him  up in the
Gut, when he had been played with at pitch-and-toss in a way
that very nearly resembled manslaughter."
"I remember, I remember, how  old Giglamps floated
by! " said Mr. Bouncer; you looked like a half-bred mermaid
Giglamps."
" But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, "undismayed by the perils from which he was then happily preserved,
has boldly come forward and declared himself a worshipper of
Isis, in a way worthy of the ancient Egyptians, or of Tom
Moore's Epicurean."
" Well! stop a minute you fellers," said Mr. Bouncer; "I
must have my beer first: I can't do without my Bass relief.
I'm like the party in the old song, and I likes a drop of good
beer."  And as he uncorked a bottle of Bass, little Mr.
Bouncer sang, in notes as musical as those produced from his
own tin horn-'Twixt wet and dry I always try
Between the extremes to steer;
Though I always shrunk from getting-intoxicated,
I was always fond of my beer!
For I likes a drop of good beer!
I'm particularly partial to beer!
Porter and swipes
Always give me the-stomach-ache I
But that's never the case with beer! "
"Bravo, Harry!" cried Charles Larkyns; "you roar us
an' twere any nightingale.  It would do old Bishop Still's
heart good to hear you; and'sure I think, that yoz can drink
with any that wears a hood,' or that will wear a hood when
you take your Bachelor's, and put on your gown.'. And
Charles Larkyns sang, rather more musically  than  Mr




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 55
Bouncer had done, from that song which, three centAries ago,
the Bishop had written in praise of good ale,Let back and side go bare, go bare,
Both hand and foot go cold:
But, belly, God send' thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old.
They were soon down at the river side, where Verdant was
carefully put into a tub (alas! the dear, awkward, safe, old
things are fast passing away; they are giving place to suicidal
skiffs, and will soon be numbered among the boats of other
days!)-and was started off with almost as much difficulty as
on his first essay.  The tub-which was, indeed, his old friend
the Sylph,-betrayed an awkward propensity for veering round
towards Folly Bridge, which our hero at first failed to overcome; and it was not until he had performed a considerable
amount of crab-catching, that he was enabled to steer himselt
in the proper direction.  Charles Larkyns had taken his seat
in an outrigger skiff (so frail and shaky that it made Verdant
nervous to look at it), and, with one or two powerful strokes,
had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and pulled back round
the tub long before Verdant had succeeded in passing that
eccentric mansion, to which allusion has before been made, as
Ei'
possessing in the place of cellars, an ingenious system of small
rivers to thoroughly irrigate its foundation -a hydropathic
treatment which may (or may not) be agreeable in Venice. bat
strikes one as being decidedly cold and comfortless when
applied to Oxford,-at any rate, in the month of November.
Walking on the lawn which stretched from this house towards
r~~~~~ivest hoogl irriae isfudti  yropti




54   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
the river, our hero espied two extremely pretty young ladies,
whose hearts he endeavoured at once to take captive by
displaying all his powers in that elegant exercise in which they
saw him  engaged. It may reasonably be presumed that Mr.
Verdant Green's hopes were doomed to be blighted.
Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer.
Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the prowess of
his college in the cricket-field, and had never aspired to any
fame as an oar. The exertions, as well as the fame, of aquatic
honours, he had left to Mr. Blades, and those others like him
who considered it a trifle to pull down to Iffley and back again,
two or three times a day, at racing pace with a fresh spurt put
on every five minutes.  Mr. Bouncer, too, had an antipathy to
eat beefsteaks otherwise than in the state in which they are
usually brought to table; and, as it seemed a sine qub non
with the gentleman who superintended the training for the
boat-races, that his pupils should daily devour beefsteaks which
had merely looked at the fire, Mr. Bouncer, not having been
brought up to cannibal habits, was unable to conform himself
to this, and those other vital principles which seemed to regulate the science of aquatic training.  The little gentleman
moreover, did not join with the " Torpids " (as the second boats
of a college are called), either, because he had a soul above
them,-he would be aut Oesar, aut nullus; either in the eight,
or nowhere,-or else, because even the Torpids would cause
him more trouble and pleasurable pain than would be agreeable
to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat down on any hard substance,
he liked to be able to do so without betraying any emotion
that the action caused him personal discomfort; and he had
noticed that many of the Torpids-not to mention one or two
of the eight-were more particular than young men usually
are about having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair to
sit on.
Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blisters
were both unsightly and unpleasant; and that rawness was
bad enough when taken in conjunction with beefsteaks, without
being extended to one's own hands. He had also a summer
passion for ices and creams, which were forbidden luxuries to
one in training,-although (paradoxical as it may seem to say
so) they trained on Isis! He had also acquired a bad habit of
getting up in one day, and going to bed in the next,-keeping
late hours. and only rising early when absolutely compelled to
do so in order to keep morning chapel-a habit which the
trainer would have interfered with considerably to the little




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE  51
gentleman's advantage.  He had also an amiable weakness
for pastry, port, claret, "et hock genus omne;" and would
have felt it a cruelty to have been deprived of his daily
modicum  of "smoke;" and in all these points, boat-training
would have materially interfered with his comfort.
Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as much to
his own satisfaction as if he had been one of the envied eight,
by occasionally paddling about with Charles Larkyns in an old
pair-oar, built by Davis and King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer
of its late Brazenfacian proprietor, when that gentleman, after
a humorous series of plucks, rustications, and heavy debts,
had finally been compelled to migrate to the King's Bench,
for that purification of purse and person commonly designated
"whitewashing."  When Charles Larkyns and his partner
did not use their pair-oar, the former occupied his outrigger
skiff; and the latter, taking Huz and Buz on board a sailing
boat, tacked up and down the river with great skill, the smoke
gracefully curling from his meerschaum or short black pipe,for Mr. Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at those times
when the wind would have assisted him to get through them.
"Hullo, Giglamps! here we are! as the clown savs in the
pantermime," sung out the little gentleman as he came up
with our hero who was performing some extraordinary feats in
full sight of the University crew, who were just starting from
their barge; "you get no end of exercise out of your tub, I
should think, by the style you work those paddles. They go
in and out beautiful! Splish, splash; splish, splash! You
must be one of the wherry identical.Row-brothers-row, whose




56   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT OREEN,
voices kept tune and whose oars kept time, vou know,
You  ought to  go  and splish-splash  in the  Freshman's
River, Giglamps;-but I forgot-you ain't a freshman now,
are you, old feller?  Those swells in the University boats look
as though they were bursting with envy-not to say, with
laughter," added Mr.-Bouncer, sotto voce. "Who taught you
to do the dodge in such a stunning way, Giglamps? "
" Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded Mr.
Verdant Green, with the freshness of a Fresnman still lingering
lovingly upon him.  " I've not forgotten what he told me,-to
put in my oar deep, and to bring it out with a jerk. But
though I make them go as deep as I can, and jerk them out as
much as possible, yet the boat will keep turning round, and I
can't keep it straight at all; and the oars are very heavy and
unmanageable, and keep slipping out of the rowlocks-"
"Commonly called rullocks," put in Mr. Bouncer, as a
parenthetical correction, or marginal note on Mr. Verdant
Green's words.
" And when the Trinity boat went by, T could scarcely get
out of their way;  and they said very unpleasant things
to me; and, altogether, I can assure you that it has made me
very hot."
"And a capital thing, too, Giglamps, this cold November
day," said Mr. Bouncer; " I'm  obliged to keep my coppers
warm with this pea-coat, and my pipe. Charley came alongside me just now, on purpose to fire off one of his poetical
quotations.  He said that I reminded him  of Beattie's Minstrel:'Dainties he heeded not, nor gaud, nor toy,
Save one short pipe.'
I think that was something like it.  But you see, Giglamps,
I haven't got a figure-head for these sort of things like Charley
has, so I couldn't return his shot; but since then, to me deeply
pondering, as those old Greek parties say, a fine sample of our
superior old crusted jokes has come to hand; and when
Charley next pulls alongside, I shall tell him that I am like that
beggar we read about in old Slowcoach's lecture the other day,
and that, if I had been in the humour, I could have sung out,
lo Bacche! *  I owe baccy-d'ye see, Giglamps?  Well, old
feller! you look rather puffed, so clap on your coat; and, if
there's a rope's end, or a chain, in your tub, and you'11 just
pay it out here, I'1 make you fast astern, and pull you down the
*-  "Si collibuisset. ab ovo
"Usque ad mala citaret, Io Bacche! "-Hor. Sat. Lib. L 8.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                t
rvrer; and then you'11 be in prime condition to work yourself
up again. The wind's in our back, and we shall get on jolly."
So our hero made fast the tub to his friend's railing-boat,
and was towed as far as the Haystack. During the voyage
Mr. Bouncer ascertained  that Mr. Charles Larkyns had
improved some of the shining hours of the long vacation considerably to Mr. Verdant Green's benefit, by teaching him the
art of swimming-a polite accomplishment of which our hero
had been hitherto ignorant.  Little Mr. Bouncer, therefore,
felt easier in his mind, if any repetition of his involuntary bath
in the Gut should befal our hero; and, after giving him (wonderful to say) some correct advice regarding the management
of the oars, he cast off the Sylph, and left her and our herc
to their own devices.  But,, 
profiting by the friendly hints
which he had received, Mr. v,.?
Verdant Green made con-   l
siderable progress in the skill 
and dexterity with which he  -. -,feathered his oars; and he
sat in his tub looking as wise
as Diogenes may (perhaps)
have done in his. He moreover pulled the boat back to
Hall's without meeting with
any accident worth mention-  1                    / 
ing; and when he had got 
on shore he was highly com- 
plimented by Mr. Blades and
a group of boating gentlemen   
"for the admirable display of
science which he had afforded
them."           -
Mr. Verdan't Green was
afterwards taken alternately   
by Charles Larkyns and Mr.
Bouncer in their pair-oar; so that, by the end of the term, he
at any rate knew more of boating than to accept as one of its
fundamental rules, "put your oar in deep, and bring it out
with a jerk."
In the first week in December he had an opportunity of
pulling over a fresh piece of water. One of those inundations
occurred to which Oxford is so liable, and the meadow-land to
the south and west of the city was covered by the flood. Boats
8*




58   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANI GREEN,
plied to and from the railway station in?lace of omnibuses;
tile Great Western was not to be seen for water; and, at the
Abingdon-road bridge, at Cold-harbour, the rails were washed
away, and the trains brought to a stand-still.  The Isis was
amplified to the width of the Christchurch meadows; the
Broad Walk had a peep of itself upside down in the glassy
mirror; the windings of the Cherwell could only be traced by
the trees on its banks. There was
"Water, water everywhere;"
nld a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christchurch
men whose ground-floor rooms were towards the meadows soon
discovered. Mr. Bouncer is supposed to have brought out one
of his "fine, old, crusted jokes," when he asserted in reference
to the inundation, that "Nature had assumed a lake complexion."  Posts and rails, and hay, and a miscellaneous
collection of articles, were swept along by the current, together
with the bodies of hapless sheep and pigs. But, in spite of
these incumbrances, boats of all descriptions were to be seen
sailing, pulling, skiffing, and punting, over the flooded meadows.
Numerous were the disasters, and many were the boats that
were upset.
Indeed, the  adventures of Mr. Verdant Green  would
probably have here terminated in a misadventure, had he not
(thanks to Charles Larkyns) mastered the art of swimming;
for he was in Mr. Bouncer's sailing-boat, which was sailing




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE  59
very merrily over the flood, when its merriness was suddenly
chedked by its grounding on the stump of a lopped pollard
willow, and forthwith capsizing.  Our hero, who had been
sitting in the bows, was at once swept over by the sail, and,
for a moment, was in' great peril; but, disengaging himselt
fronl the cordage, he struck out, and swam to a willow whose
friendly boughs and top had just formed an asylum for Mr.
Bouncer, who in great anxiety was coaxing Huz and Buz to
swim to the same ark of safety.
Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily rescued
from  their position, and were not a little thankful for their
escape.
CHAPTER VII.
MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART AND A
SPREAD-EAGLE. 
"HuLLo, Giglamps, you lazy beggar!"  said the cheery
voice of little Mr. Bouncer, as he walked into our hero's bedroom one morning towards the end of term, and found Mr.
Verdant Green in bed, though sufficiently awakened by the
sounding of Mr. Bouncer's octaves for the purposes of conversation; "this'11 never do, you know, Giglamps! Cutting chapel
to do the downy!  Why, what do you mean, sir?  Didn't you
ever learn in the nursery what happened to old Daddy Long*
legs when he wouldn't say his prayers?"
"Robert did call:me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes; "but
I felt tired, so I told him to put in an ceqer."
"Upon my  word, young'un," observed Mr. Bouncer,
"you're a coming it, you are! and only in your sebond term,
too. What makes you wear a nightcap, Giglamps?  Is it to
make your hair curl, or to keep your venerable head warm?
Nightcaps ain't healthy; they are only fit for long-tailed
babbies, and old birds that are as bald as coots; or else for
gents that grease their wool with'thine incomparable oil,
Macassar,' as the noble poet justly remarks."
"It ain't always pleasant," continued the little gentleman,
who was perched up on the side of the bed, and seemed in a
communicative disposition, "it ain't always pleasant to turn out
for morning chapel, is it. Giglamps?  But it's just like the eels
with their skinning: it goes against the grain at first, but you




M0 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
soon get used to it.  When I first came up, I was a frightful
lazy beggar, and I got such a heap of impositions for not keep.
take away my term altogether, and bring me to grief, if I didn't
be more regular.  So I was obliged to rake a virtuous resolution, and I told Robert that he was to inasist on my getting up
in a morning, and I
fellers constantly at wend of term if he This was
ceeded.   So at first
rather expensive,             hewa used to h reaene d
mtake asowasy my te totake  shieshammer ato the  dooridn't
tion, and I told Roberbut that het was noon my     go.etting upSo
in and shake meorning, and I
end of term if he suc~~(~[~"ll                              sor  at tcthe
healways used to prcome andre
fbr him, by taking a
good supply of boots
and things to bed with
me;  so I was able to take shies at the beggar till he




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUAT                   61
vanished, and left me to snooze peaceably.   You see, it
ain't every feller as likes to have a Wellington boot at
his head; but that rascal of a Robert is used to those trifles,
and I was obliged to try another dodge.  This you know
was only of a morning when I was in bed.  When 1 had
had  my  breakfast, and got my  imposition, and  become
virtuous again, I used to slang him  awful for having let
me cut chapel; and then I told him that he must always stand
at the door until he heard me out of bed.  But, when
the morning came, it seemed running such a risk, you see
to one's lungs and al those  sort of things to turn out
of the warm  bed into the cold chapel, that I would answer
Robert when he hammered at the door; but, instead of getting
ap, I would knock my boots against the floor, as though I was
out of bed, don't you see, and was padding about. But that
wretch of a Robert was too old a bird to be caught with this
dodge; so he used to sing out,' You must show a leg, sir!'
and, as he kept on hammering at the door till I did-for, you
see, Giglamps, he was looking out for the tip at the end of
term, so it made him persevere-and as his beastly hammering
used, of course, to put a stopper on my going to sleep again, I
used to rush out in a frightful state of wax, and show a leg.
And then, being well up, you see, it was no use doing the
downy again, so it was just as well to make one's twilight and
go to chapel.  Don't gape, Giglamps; it's beastly rude, and I
havn't done yet.  I'm going to tell you another dodge-one ot
old Smail's.  He invested money in an alarum, with a string
from it tied on to the bed-clothes, so as to pull them off at
whatever time you chose to set it. But I never saw the fun of
being left high and dry on your bed: it would be a shock to
the system  which I couldn't stand. But even this dreadful
expedient would be better than posting an _eger; which, you
know, you didn't ought to was, Giglamps.  Well, turn out, old
feller!  I've told Robert to take your commons * into my
room.  Smalls and Charley are coming, and I've got a dove.
tart and a spread-eagle."
" Whatever are they? " asked Mr. Verdant GOreen.
* The rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the buttery
The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those in-college men who
are coming to breakfast with him. The scout then collects their commons
which thus forms the substratum of the entertainment.  The other
things are of course supplied by the giver of the breakfast, and are seni
in by the confectioner. As to the knives and forks and crockery, the
acout prodices them from his common stock.




62   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
"Not know what they are! " cried Mr. Bouncer; " why a
dove-tart is what mortals call a pigeon-pie.  I ain't much in
Tennyson's line, but it strikes me that dove-tarts are more
poetical than the other thing; spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl
smashed out flat, and made jolly with mushroom sauce, and nc
end of good things.  I don't know how they squash it, but
I should say that they sit upon it; I daresay, if we were to
inquire, we should find that they kept a fat feller. on purpose.
But you just come, and try how it eats." And, as Mr. Verdant
Green's bedroom barely afforded standing room, even for one,
Mr. Bouncer walked into the sitting-room, while his friend
arose from his couch like a youthful Adonis, and proceeded to
bathe his ambrosial person,
by taking certain sanatory.   -  ~measures in splashing about
/1 3. in a species of tub-a performance which Mr. Bouncer
was wont to term  "doing
tumbies."
W"What'll you  take for
2  X^                 Pt^s rY^your letters, Giglamps?"
Ir ai  called out the little genttleman  from   the  other
room;  "the  Post's  in,
i -q ~and here are three for you.
Two  are from  womien,young  uns I should say,
I/ tl i  T from  the regular ups and
1 Li.^   |  downs, and  right angles:'   they look  like billyduxes.
Give you a bob for them, at
a venture! they mayy be funny.  The other is suspiciously
like a tick, and ought to'be looked shy on.  1 should
advise you not to open it, but to pitch it in  the tire: it
may save a fit of the blues.  If you want any help over
shaving, just say so, Giglamps, will you, before I go; and
then I'll hold your nose for you, or do anything else that's
civil and accommodating.   And, when you've  done your
tumbies, come in to the dove-tart and the spread-eagle."  And
off went Mr. Bouncer, making terrible noises with his posthorn, in his strenuous but futile endeavours to discover the
octaves.
Our hero soon concluded his "tumbies " and his dressing
(not including the shaving), and made his way to Mr. Bouncer's




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                     6
rooms, where he did full justice to the dove-tart, and admired
the spread-eagle  so much, that he thought of bribing the
confectioner for the recipe to take home as a Christmas-box
for his mother.
"Well, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast was
over, "to spare the blushes on your venerable cheeks, I won't
even so much as refer to the billyduxes; but, I'll only ask, what
was the damage of the tick?"
"Oh! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "it
was a letter about a dog from the man of whom I bought Mop
last term."
"What! Filthy Lucre?" cried Mr. Bouncer; "well, I thought,
somehow, I knew the fist! he writes just as if he'd learnt from
imitating his dogs' hind-legs. Let's have a sight of it if it ain't
private and confidential! "
"Oh dear no! on the contrary, I was going to show it to
you, and ask your advice on the contents."  And Verdant
anded to Mr. Bouncer a letter, which had been elaborately
sealed with the aid of a key, and was directed high up in the
left-hand corner to
",Virdon grene esqre braisenface
collidge Oxford."
" You look beastly lazy, Charley!" said Mr. Bouncer to Mr.
Charles Larkyns; " so, while 1 fill my pipe, just spit out the
letter, pro bono." And Charles Larkyns, lying in Mr. Bouncer's
easiest lounging chair, read as follows:" Onnerd sir i tak the libbaty of a Dressin of you in respex of A dog
which i wor sorry For to ear of your Loss in mop which i had The pleshur
of- Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going astray And not a turnin hup
Bein of A unsurtin Tempor and guv to A folarin of strandgers which
wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him onnerd Sir bein Overdogd
at this ere present i can let you have A rale good teryer at A barrging
which wold giv sattefacshun onnered Sir it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to
Bounser esqre a red smooth air terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor
rite down goodun and No mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere
is too say as ow i have a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and
If you wold like him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he
wor by robbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan of witch
brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he is very Smal and
smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or warter a liter before Tug
onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he hant got his nam by no mistake as
No Vermin not even poll katts' can live long before him onnerd Sir I
considders as vermin is very sootble compannion for a Gent indors or
hout and bein lively wold give amoosement i shall fele it A plesure a
waitin on you onnerd Sir opin you will pardin the libbaty of a Dressir
of you but my head wor ful of vermin and i wishd to tel you
"onnerd Sir yures
2 komand j. Looker."




04   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
"The nasty beggar!" said Mr. Bouncer, in reference to the
last paragraph.  "Well, Giglamps! filthy Lucre does'nt tell
fibs when he says that Tug came of a good breed: but he was
so doosed pugnacious, that he was always having set-to's with
Huz and Buz, in the coal-shop just outside the door here; and
so, as I'd nowhere else to stow them, I was obliged to give Tug
away. Dr. What's-his-name says,' Let dogs delight to bark
and bite, for'tis their nature to.' But then, you see, it's only
a delight when they bite somebody else's dog; and if Dr. What's
his-name had had a kennel of his own, he would'nt have took it
so coolly; and, whether it was their nature so to do or not, he
would'nt have let the little beggars, that he fork'd out thirteen
bob a-year for to the government, amuse themselves by biting
each other, or tearing out each other's eyes; he'd have turn'd
them over, don't you see, to his neighbours' dogs, and have let
them do the biting department on them. And, altogether,
Giglamps, I'd advise you to let Filthy Lucre's Vermin alone,
and have nothing to do with the breed."
So Mr. Verdant Green took his friend's advice, and then took
himself off to learn boxing at the hands, and gloves, of the




AN OXFOR1) UNDERGRADUATE.                6
PLtney Pet; for our hero, at the suggestion of Mr. Charles
Larkyns, had thought it advisable to receive a few lessons in
the fistic art, in order that he might be the better able to defend
himself, should he be engaged in a second Town and Gown. He
found the Pet in attendance upon Mr. Foote; and, by their
mutual aid, speedily mastered the elements of the Art of Selfdefence.
Mr. Foote's rooms at St. John's were in the further corner to
the right-hand side of the Quad, and had windows looking into
the gardens.  When Charles had held his Court at St. John's,
and when the loyal College had melted down its plate to coin
into money for the King's necessities, the Royal visitor had
occupied these very rooms.  But it was not on this account
alone that they were the show rooms of the College, and that
tutors sent their compliments to Mr. Foote, with the request
that he would allow a party of friends to see his rooms. It was
chiefly on account of the lavish manner in which Mr. Foote had
furnished his rooms, with what he theatrically called "properties," that made them so sought out: and country lionisers of
Oxford, who took their impressions of an Oxford student's room
from those of Mr. Foote, must have entertained very highly
coloured ideas of the internal aspect of the sober-looking old
Colleges.
The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled with
oak throughout.  At the further end was an elaborately carved
book-case of walnut wood, filled with books gorgeously bound
in every tint of morocco and vellum, with their backs richly
tooled in gold. It was currently reported in the College that
" Footelights " had given an order for a certain number of feet
of books,-not being at all proud as to their contents,-and had.aid down the sum of a thousand pounds (or thereabouts) for
their binding. This might have been scandal; but the fact of
his father being a Colossus of (the iron) Roads, and indulging his
son and heir in every expense, gave some colour to the rumour.
The panels were covered with the choicest engravings (all
proofs-before-letters), and  with water-colour drawings  by
Cattermole, Cox, Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick Tayler-their
wide, white margins being sunk in light gilt frames.  Above
these gleamed groups of armour, standing out effectively (and
theatrically), against the dark oak panels, and full of " reflected
lights," that would have gladdened the heart of Maclise. There
were couches of velvet, and lounging chairs of every variety and
shape.  There was a Broadwood's grand piano-forte, on which
Mr. Foote, although uninstructed, cbuld play skilfully.  There




8B   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
were round tables and square tables, and writing tables  and
there were side tables with statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and
old china, and gold apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan
vases, and a swarm of Spiers's elegant knick-knackeries. There
were reading-stands of all sorts; Briarean-armed brazen ones
that fastened on to the chair you sat in,-sloping ones to rest
on the table before you, elaborately carved in open work, and
an upright one of severe Gothic, like a lectern, where you were
to stand and read without contracting  your chest.  Then
there were all kinds of stands to hold books: sliding ones,
expanding ones, portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain mahogany ones, and oak ones made glorious by Margetts with the
arms of Oxford and St. John's, carved and emblazoned on
the ends.
Mr. Foote's rooms were altogether a very gorgeous instance
of a Collegian's apartment; and Mr. Foote himself was a very
striking example of the theatrical undergraduate. Possessing
great powers of mimicry and facial expression, he was able to
imitate any peculiarities which were to be observed either in
Dons or Undergraduates, in Presidents or Scouts. He could
sit down at his piano, and give you-after the manner of
Theodore Hook, or John Parry-a burlesque opera; singing
high up in his head for the prima donna, and going down to
his boots for the basso profondo of the great Lablache. He
could also draw corks, saw wood, do a bee in a handkerchief,
and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a farm-yard, or a full band, with
equal facility. He would also give you Mr. Keeley, in "Betsy
Baker;" Mr. Paul Bedford, as "I believe you my bo-o-oy.




AN OXFORD, UNDERGRADUATE..
Mr. Buckstone, as Cousin Joe, and "Box and Cox;" or Mr.
Wright, as Paul Pry, or Mr. Felix Fluffy.  Besides the
comedians, Mr. Footelights would also give you the leading
tragedians, and would favour you (through his nose) with the
popular burlesque imitation of Mr. Charles Kean, as Hablet,
He would fling himself down on the carpet, and grovel there,
as Hamlet does in the play-scene, and would exclaim, with
frantic vehemence, "He poisods hib i' the garded, for his
estate.  His dabe's Godzago: the story is extadt, ad writted
id very choice Italiad. You shall see adod, how the burderer
gets the love of Godzago's wife."   Moreover, as his room
possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading down into a
wine-cellar, Mr. "Footelights " was thus enabled to leap down
into the aperture, and carry on the personation of Hamlet in
Ophelia's grave.  As the theatrical trait in his character was
productive of much amusement, and as he was also considered
to be one of those hilarious fragments of masonry, popularly
known as "jolly bricks," Mr. Foote's society was greatly cultivated; and Mr. Verdant Green struck up a warm friendship
with him.
But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. Buttery
and kitchen books were adding up their sums total; bursars
were preparing for battels; * witless men were cramming fox
Collections; t scouts and bedmakers were looking for tips;
and tradesmen were hopelessly expecting their little accounts.
And, in a few days, Mr. Verdant Green might have been seen
at the railway station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns
and Mr. Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, vid
London-this being, as is well known, the most direct route
from Oxford to Warwickshire.
Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in his
mind unless Huz and Buz were with. him in the same carriage,.
had placed these two interesting specimens of the canine
species in a small light box, partially ventilated by means oi
holes drilled through the top.  But Huz and Buz, not much
admiring this contracted mode of conveyance, and probably
suffering from incipient asphyxia, in spite of the admonitory
* Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It is stated
in Todd's Johnson that this singular word is derived from the Saxon verb,
meaning "to count or reckon." But it is stated in the Gentleman's MagaC
zine for 1792, that the word may probably be derived from the Low-German word bettahlen, "to pay," whence may come our English word,
tae or score.
t College Terminal Examinations.




68   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
Kicks against their box, gave way to dismal howls, at the
very moment when the guard came to look at the tickets.
" Can't allow dogs in here, sir! they must go in the locker,"
said the guard.
"Dogs?" cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonishment:
"they're rabbits! "
" Rabbits! " ejaculated the guard, in his turn. " Oh, come,
sir! what makes rabbits bark?"
" What makes'em bark?  Why, because they've got the
pip, poor beggars! " replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly.  At
which the guard graciously laughed, and retired; probably
thinking that he should, in the end, be a gainer if he allowed
Huz and Buz to journey in the same first-class carriage with
their master.
CHAPTER  VIII.
MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPI
NEW YEAR.
CHRISTMAS had come; the season of kindness, and hospitality; the season when the streams of benevolence flow full in
their channels; the season when the Honourable Miss Hyems
indulges herself with ice, while the vulgar Jack Frost regales
himself with cold-without.  Christmas had come, and had
brought with it an old fashioned winter; and, as Mr. Verdant
Green stands with his hands in his pockets, and gazes from
the drawing-room of his paternal mansion, he looks forth upon
a white world.
The snow is everywhere.  The shrubs are weighed down by
masses of it; the terrace is knee-deep in it; the plaster Apollo,
in the long-walk, is more than knee-deep in it, and is furnished
with a surplice and wig, like  a  half.blown Bishop.  The
distant country looks the very ghost of a landscape: the whitealled cottages seem part and parcel of the snow-drifts around
them,-drifts that take every variety of form, and are swept by
the wind into faery wreaths, and fantastic caves. The old mili.
w heel is locked fast, and gemmed with giant icicles; its slippery
stairs are more slippery than ever. Golden gorse and purple
heather are now all of a colour; orchards puts forth blossoms
of real snow; the gently swelling hills look bright and dazzling




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                   6
in the wintry sun; the grey church tower has grown from
grey to white; nothing looks black, except the swarms of
rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their caws (long
as any Chancery-suit) to be heard  from  among the darb
branches of the stately elms that form the avenue to the
RManor-Green.
It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole  the
gardener! he is always sweeping at that avenue, and, do what he
will, he cannot keep it clear from  snow.  As Mr. Verdaut
Green looks forth upon the white world, his gaze is more particularly directed to this avenue, as though the form of the intelligent Mr. Mole was an object of interest. From time to time
Mr. Verdant Green consults his watch in a nervous manner,
and  is utterly  indifferent  to  the appeals of the robinredbreast who is hopping
about outside, in expecta- 
tion of the dinner which                                \
has been daily given to         /
him.
Just when the robin,                      \' 
emboldened by hunger, has
oegun to tap fiercely with
his bill against the win-              i
dow-pane, as a gentle hint
that the smallest donations of crumbs of comfort
will be thankfully received,.
-Mr. Verdant Green, ut-  
terly oblivious of robins in
general, and of the sharp          ll'             -
pecks of this one in particular, takes no notice of
the little redbreast waiter  
with the bill, but, slightly
colouring up, fixes his gaze
upon the lodge-gate through which a group of ladies and gentlemen are passing. Stepping back for a moment, and stealing a
glance at himself in the mirror, Mr. Verdant Green hurriedly arranges and disarranges his hair-pulls about his collar-ties and
unties his neck-handkerchief-buttons and then unbuttons his
coat-takes another look from the window-sees the intelligent
Mr. Mole (besom  in hand) salaaming the party, and then
makes a rush for the vestibule, to be at the door to receive
them.




TO   THt FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GRIEEN,
Let us take a look at them  as they come up the avenue.
lIace aux dames, is the proper sort of thing; but as there
is no rule without its exception, and no adage without its
counter-proverb, we will give the gentlemen the priority of
description.
Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentlemanly
feeling, comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily crunching the
frozen snow, which has defied all the besom powers of the intelligent Mr. Mole. Here, too, is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and,
moreover, his friend Henry Bouncer, Esq., who has come to
christmas at the Rectory. Following in their wake is a fourth
gentleman  attired  in  the costume peculiar to clergymen,
dissenting ministers,  linen-drapers' assistants, and  tavern
waiters. He happens to belong to the first-named section, and
is no less a person than the Rev. Josiah Meek, B.A., (St.
Christopher's Coll., Oxon.)-who, for the last three months,
has officiated as Mr. Larkyns's curate.  He appears to be of a
peace-loving, lamb-like disposition; and, though sportive as a
lamnb when occasion requires, is yet of timid ways and manners.
He is timid, too, in voice,-speaking in a feeble treble; he is
timid, too, in  his address,-more particularly  as regards
females; and he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too
timid to assume any decided or obtrusive colour, and have
fallen back on a generalised whitey-brown tint.  But, though
timid enough in society, he was bold and energetic in the discharge of his pastoral duties, and had already won the esteem
of every one in the parish.  So) Verdant had been told, when,
on his return from college, he had asked his sisters how they
liked the new curate.  They had not only heard of his good
deeds, but they had witnessed many of them  in their visits
to the schools and among the poor. Mary and Fanny were
loud in his praise; and if Helen said but little, it was perhaps
because she thought the more; for H-elen was now of the susceptible age of" sweet seventeen," an age that not only feels
warmly but thinks deeply; and, who shall say what feelings and
thoughts may lie beneath the pure waters of that sea of
maidenhood whose surface is so still and calm?  Love alone
can tell:-Love, the bold diver, who can cleave that still surface,
and bring up into the light of heaven the rich treasures that
are of Heaven's own creation.
With the four gentlemen come two ladies-young ladies,
moreover, who, as penny-a-liners say, are "possessed of considerable personal attractions."  These are the Misses.Honeywood, the blooming daughters of the rector's only sister; and




ANI OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                71
they have come from the far land of the North, and are.ook.
ing as fresh and sweet as their own heathery hills. The roses
of health that bloom  upon their cheeks have been brought
into full blow by the keen, sharp  breeze; the  shepherd'splaid shawls drawn tightly around them  give the outline of
figures that gently swell into the luxuriant line of beauty and
grace.   Altogether, they are damsels who are pleasant to the
eye, and very fair to look upon.
Since they had last visited their uncle four years had
passed, and, in that time, they had shot up to womanhood,
although  they were not yet out of their teens.   Their
father was a landed proprietor living in north Northumberland; and, like other landed proprietors who live under the
shade of the Cheviots, was
rich in his flocks, and his
herds, and his men-servants      r
and his mind-servants, and              - es
his he-asses and his she-             
asses, and  was quite  a                     f,o    4  amodern patriarch. During   i
the past summer, the rector
had taken a trip to Northumberland, in order to see               a
his sister, and refresh himself with a clergyman's fortnight at s loneywood Hall,
and  he would' not leave  
his sister and her husband
until he had extracted from    "      /       -ty
them a promise that they
would bring down their two
eldest daughters and christxas in Warwickshire. This 
was accordingly agreed to,
and, more, than that acted
upon;  and  little   Mr.
Bouncerand his sister Fanny
were asked to' meet them;
but, to relieve the rector of.. 
a superfluity of lady guests,
Miss Bouncer's. quarters had been removed to the Manoi
Greem~
It was quite an event in the history of: our hero and
his sisters.  Four years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty




1T   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT OREENE
Honeywood, were mere chits, for whom dolls had not altogether
lost their interest, and who considered it as promotion when they
sat in the drawing-room on company evenings, instead of being
shown up at dessert. Four years at this period of life makes
a vast change in young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood
girls had so altered since last they met, that they had almost
needed a fresh introduction to each other.  But a day's
intimacy made them  bosom  friends; and the Manor Green
soon saw such revels as it had not seen for many a long year.
Every night there were (in the language of the play-bills of
provincial theatres) " singing and dancing, with a variety of
other entertainments; " the " other entertainments" occasionally consisting (as is scandalously affirmed) of a very favourite
lass of entertainment-popular at all times, but running mad
riot at the  Christmas season-wherein two performers of
either sex take their places beneath a white-berried bough
and go through a species,t?^(    _-.~l lUof dance, or pas de fas-.-....-?(' iKI?\ cination, accompanied by
(z l l',    jmysterious rites and so-.i r   ^en m I   lemnities that have been
i   X  I  scrupulously observed, and
iC i      1 Ihanded down to us, from!,\the earliest age.
/.^  i Mr. Verdant Green, dur-...;  t  j ing the short - alas! too
short -  Christmas  week,.'5   P^ m a  had performed more polkas
than he had ever danced
a a ]_ u/i  in his life;  and, under
the  charming  tuition  of
Miss Patty  Honey wood,
was fast becoming a pro_~         T^ll!!!( I  ~~ficient in the valse a deux
I     -\    _   temps.  As yet, the whirl
of the dance brought on a
corresponding rotatory ino.',511 1tion of the brain, that made
By\\J  everything swim before his
spectacles in a way which
2T-~.~-    W   M~i~.:i }        will be easily understood
--    by all bad travellers who
have crossed from Dover to
Calais with a chopping sea and a gale of wind. But Miss Patif




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.              T7
HIoneywood was both good-natured and persevering: and she
allowed our hero to dance on her feet without a murmur
and watchfully guided him when his giddy vision would have
led them into contact with foreign bodies.
It is an old saying, that Gratitude begets Love. Mr
Verdant Green had already reached the first part of thi,
dangerous creation, for he felt grateful to the pretty Patty foi
the good-humoured trouble she bestowed on the awkwardness
which he now, for the first time, began painfully to perceive
But, what his gratitude might end in, he had perhaps neve,
taken the trouble to inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant
Green that he enjoyed the present; and, as to the future, he
fully followed out the Horatian preceptQuid sit futurum eras, fuge quaerere;
*   *   *   nec dulces amores
Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas.
It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero to prefer Miss Patty
Honeywood to Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially when the
latter was staying in the house, and had been so warmly
recommended to his notice by her vivacious brother. Especially
too, as there was nothing to be objected to in Miss Bouncer
saving the fact that some might have affirmed she was a trifle
too much inclined to embonpoint, and was indeed a bouncer in
person as well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny
(a B
Bouncer was both good-humoured and clever, and, besida
9




74   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
being mistress of the usual young-lady accomplishments, was
a clever proficient in the fascinating art of photography, and
had brought her camera and chemicals, and had not only
calotyped Mr. Verdant Green, but had made no end of duplicates of him, in a manner that was suggestive of the deepest
admiration and affection. But these sort of likings are not
made to rule, and Mr. Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny
Bouncer approach without betraying any of those symptoms
of excitement, under the influence of which we had the
privilege to see him, as he gazed from  the window  of his
paternal mansion, and then, on beholding the approaching form
of Miss Patty Honeywood, rush wildly to the vestibule.
The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door was
already opened for them, and Mr. Verdant Green was soon
exchanging a delightful pressure of the hand with the blooming
Patty.
"We were such a formidable party," said that young lady,
as she laughed merrily, and thereby disclosed to the enraptured gazer a remarkably even set of white teeth (" All her
own, too! " as little Mr. Bouncer afterwards remarked to the
enraptured gazer); "we were such a formidable party," said
Mliss Patty, "that papa and mamma declared they would
stay behind at the Rectory, and would not join in such a
visitation."
Mr. Verdant Green replies, "Oh dear! I am very sorry,"
and looks remarkably delighted —though it certainly may
not be at the absence of the respected couple; and he then
proclaims that everything is ready, and that Miss Bouncer
and his sisters had found out some capital words.
"What a mysterious communication, -Verdant! " remarks
the rector, as' they pass into the house. But the rector is
only to be let so far into the secret as to be informed that, at
the evening party which is to be held at the Manor Green
that night, a charade or two will be acted, in order to diversify
the amusements.  The Misses Honeywood are great adepts in
this sort of pastime; so, also, are Miss Bouncer and her
brother.  For although the latter does not shine as a nimic,
yet, as he is never deserted by his accustomed coolness, he has
plenty of the nonchalance and readiness which is a requisite
for charade acting.  The Miss Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer
have therefore suggested to  Mr. Verdant Green and his
sisters, that to get up a little amateur performance would
be "great fun;" and the suggestion has met with a warm
approval.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.               75
The drawing-room  at the Manor Green opened by large
folding-doors to the library; so (as Mr. Bouncer observed to
our hero), " there you've got your stage and your drop-scene
as right as a trivet; and, if you stick a lot of candles and
lights on each side of the doors in the library, there you'll
have a regular flare-up that'll show off your venerable giglamps no end."
So charades were determined on; and, when words had been
hunted up, a council of war was called. But, as the ladies
and gentlemen hold their council with closed doors, we
cannot intrude upon them. We must therefore wait till the
evening, when the result of their deliberations will be publicly
manifested.
CHAPTER IX.
dR VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON ANY
BOARDS
IT is the last night of December. The old year, worn out
and spent with age, lies a 
dying, wrapped in sheets of 
snow.
A stern stillness reigns
around.  The steps of men
are muffled;  no  echoing
footfalls disturb the solemn
nature of the time.  The
little  runnels  weep  icy
tears. The dark pines hang
out their funereal plumes,
and nod with their weight
of snow.  The elms have
thrown off their green robes
of joy, and, standiag up in
gaunt nakedness, wildly toss
to heaven their imploring 
arms. The old year lies a    — ~dying.75
Silently through the snow
steal certain carriages to the portals of the Manor Green,




76   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
and, with a ringing of bells and a banging of steps, the
occupants disappear in a stream of light that issues from the
hall door. Mr. Green's small sanctum to the right of the hall
has been converted into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a
ladies'-maid and a looking-glass, in a manner not to be remembered by the oldest inhabitant.
There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to the
toilette disarranged by a long drive through the impeding snow.
There Miss Parkington (whose papa has lately revived his old
school friendship with Mr. Green) discovers, to her unspeakable disgust, that the ten mile drive through the cold has
invested her cheek with purple tints, and given to her retrousse
(ill-natured people call it " pug ") nose a hue that mocks
The turkey's crested fringe.
There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto only
been on morning-call terms with the Manor Green people, but
had brushed up their acquaintance now that there was a son of
marriageable years and  heir to  an  independent fortune)
e     ~'. w       er^T-'r  "r"
discovers to her dismay that the joltings received during a
six-mile drive through  snowed-up  lanes, have  somewhat
deteriorated the very full-dress aspect of her attire, and con.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                71
siderably flattened its former balloon-like dimensions.  And
there, too, Miss Brindle (whose family have been hunted up
for the occasion) makes the alarming discovery that, in the
lurch which their hack-fly had made at the cross roads, hei
brother Alfred's patent boots had not only dragged off some
yards (more or less) of her flounces, but had also-to use her
own mystical language-" torn her skirt at the gathers!"
All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm at the
sanctum's fire diminishes the purple in Miss Parkington'.
cheeks; and the maid, by some hocus-pocus peculiar to her
craft, again inflates Miss Waters into a balloon, and stitches up
Miss Brindle's flounces and " gathers." The ladies join their
respective gentlemen, who have been cooling their toes and
uttering warm anathemas in the hall; and the party sail, armin-arm, into the drawing-room, and forthwith fall to lively
remarks on that neutral ground of conversation, the weather.
JMr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate i.
Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate 
Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate n~agn.




78   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
ficence; but he continues in a state of listless apathy, and is
indifferent to the "lively" rattle of the balloon-like Miss
Waters, until John the  footnan  (who is suffering  from
influenza) rouses him into animation by the magic talisman
"Bister, Bissis, an' the Biss'Oneywoods;" when he beams
through his spectacles in the most benign and satisfied manner.
The Misses Honeywood are as blooming as usual: the cold
air, instead of spoiling their good looks, has but improved their
healthy style of beauty; and they smile, laugh, and talk in a
perfectly easy, unaffected, and natural manner.  Mr. Verdant
Green at once makes his way to Miss Patty Honeywood's sides
and, gracefully standing beside her, coffee-cup in hand, plunges
headlong into the depths of a tangled conversation.
Meanwhile, the drawing-room  of the Manor Green becomes
filled in a way that has not been seen for many a long year;
and the intelligent Mr. Mole, the gardener (who has been
impressed as an odd man for the occasion, and is served up in
a pseudo-livery to make him more presentible), sees more
" genteel " people than have, for a long time, been visible to
his naked eye.  The intelligent Mr. Mole, when he has afterwards been restored to the bosom of Mrs. Mole and his family,
confides to his equally intelligent helpmate that, in his opinion,
"Master has guv the party to get husbands for the young
ladies "-an opinion which, though perhaps not foLuded on
fact so far as it related to the party which was the subject
of Mr. Mole's remark, would doubtless be applicable to many
similar parties given under somewhat similar circumstances.
It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may
have based his opinion on a circumstance-which, to a gentleman of his sagacity, must have carried great weight —namely,
that whenever in the course of the evening the hall was made
the promenade for the loungers and dancers, he perceived,
firstly, that Miss Green was invariably accompanied by Mr.
Charles Larkyns; secondly, that the Rev. Josiah Meek kept
Miss Helen dallving about the wine and lemonade tray much
longer than was necessary for the mere consumption of the
cooling liquids; and thirdly, that Miss Fanny, who was a pert,
talkative Miss of sixteen, was continually to be found there
with either Mr. Henry Bouncer or Mr. Alfred Brindle dancing
attendance upon her. But, be this as it may, the intelligent
Mr. Mole was impressed with the conviction that Mr. Green
nad called his young friends together as to a matrimonial
auction, and that his daughters were to be put up without
reserve, and knocked down to the highest bidder.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 7
All the party have arrived.  The weather has been talked
over for the last time (for the present); a harp, violin, and
a cornet-a^piston from the county town, influenced by the
spirit of gin-and-water, are heard discoursing most eloquent
music in the dining-room, which has been cleared cut for the
dance.  Miss Patty Honeywood, accepting the offer of Mr.
Verdant Green's arm, swims joyously out of the room; other
ladies and gentlemen pair, and follow: the ball is opened.
A. polka follows the quadrille; and, while the dancers rest
awhile from their exertions, or crowd around the piano in the
drawing-room  to hear the balloon-like Miss Waters play a
firework piece of music, in which execution takes the place of
melody, and chromatic scales are discharged from her fingers
like showers of rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously
weeds out certain members of the party, and vanishes with
them up-stairs.
When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, and
has descended: from  the throne of her music-stool, a set o
Lancers is formed; and, while the usual mistakes are being
made in the figures, the dancers find a fruitful subject of con..',]C;'          l^^^'l^'ll   1  I \Y  t i   1  Gu I, 1,, l|rl II
versation in surmises that a charade is going to be acted
The surmise proves to be correct: for when the set'hs beea




60   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
brought to an end with that peculiar in-and-out tum-turn,
tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum  movement which characterises the
last figure of Les Lanciers, the trippers on the light fantastic
toe are requested to assemble in the drawing-room, where the
chairs and couches have been pulled. up to face the folding
doors that lead into the lilbrary.  Mr. Verdant Green appears;
and, after announcing that the word to be acted will be one of
three syllables, and that each syllable will be represented by
itself, and that then the complete word will be given, throws
open the folding doors for
SCENE I. Syllable 1.-Enter the Miss Honeywoods, dressed
in fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are shown in by
a footman (Mr. Bouncer) attired in a peculiarly ingenious and
effective livery, made by pulling up the trousers to the knee,
and wearing the dress-coat inside out, so as to display the
crimson silk linings of the sleeves: the effect of Mr. Bouncer's
appearance is considerably heightened by a judicious outlay of
flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer (as footman) gives
the ladies chairs, and inquires, " What name shall I be pleased
to say, mem?  Miss Patty answers in a languid and fashionable voice, "The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget."
Mr. Bouncer evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies to
play with their parasols, and converse. Lady Arabella (Miss
Patty) then expresses a devout wish that Lady Trotter (wife
of Sir Lambkin Trotter, Bart.), in whose house they are supposed to be, will not keep them waiting as long as she detained
her aunt, Lady Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell asleep
from sheer fatigue, and was found snoring on the sofa. Lady
Louisa then falls to an inspection of the card-tray, and reads
the paste-boards of some high-sounding titles not to be found
m Debrett, and expresses wonder as to where Lady Trotter
can have picked up the Duchess of Ditchwater's card, as she
(Lady Louisa) is morally convinced that her Grace can never
have condescended to have even sent in her card by a footman.
Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady Trotter,
Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, and, with much
asperity of manner, inquires of Mr. Bouncer (as footman) if
Lady Trotter is informed that the Ladies Louisa and Arabella
Mountfidget are waiting to see her?  Mr. Bouncer replies,
with a footman's bow, and a footman's hexasperation of his h's,
"Me lady is haweer hof your ladyships' visit; but me lady is
at present hunable to happear: me lady,'owever, has give
me a message, which she hasks me to deliver to your ladyBhips."  "Then why don't you deliver it at once," says Miss




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 81
Patty, " and not waste the valuable time of the Ladies Lcouisa
and Arabella Mountfidget? What is the message?"  "Me
lady," replies Mr. Bouncer, "requests me to present her
compliments to your ladyships, and begs me to hinform you
that me lady is a cleaning of herself! "  Amid great laughter
from the audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their heads
and flutter grandly out of the room, followed by the floured
footman; while Mr. Verdant Green, unseen by those in front,
pushes-to the folding doors, to show that the first syllable is
performed.
Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, agreeably fill
up the time till the next scene. The Revd. Josiah Meek, who
is not much used to charades, confides to Miss Helen Green
that he surmises the word to be, either " visitor " or " impudence;" but, as the only ground to this surmise rests on these
two words being words of three syllables, Miss Helen gently
repels the idea, and sagely observes, " we shall see more in the
next scene."
SCENE II. Syllable 2.-The folding-doors open, and discover
Mir. Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, lying on a sofa, in a
dressing-gown, with pillows under his head, and Miss Patty
Honeywood in attendance upon him. A table, covered with
glasses and medicine bottles, is drawn up to the sufferer's couch
in an inviting manner.  Miss Patty informs the sufferer that
the time is come for him to take his draught.  The sufferer
groans in a dismal manner, and says, " Oh! is it, my dear? "
She replies, "Yes! you must take it now;" and sternly pours
some sherry wine out of the medicine bottle into a cup. The
sufferer makes piteous faces, and exclaims, " It is so nasty, I
can't take it, my love! " (It is to be observed that Mr. Verdant
Green, skilfully taking advantage of the circumstance that Miss
Patty Honeywood is supposed to represent the wife of the
sufferer, plentifully besprinkles his conversation with endearing
epithets.)  When, after much persuasion and groaning, the
sufferer has been induced to take his medicine, his spouse
announces the arrival of the doctor; when, enter Mr. Bouncer,
still floured as to his head, but wearing spectacles, a long black
coat, and a shirt-frill, and having his dress otherwise altered so
as to represent a medical man of the old school. The doctor
asks what, sort of a night his patient has had, inspects his
tongue with professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at his
watch, and mysteriously shakes his head.  He then commences
thrusting and poking Mlr. Verdant Green in various parts of his
body,-after the manner of doctors with their victims, and
9*




THE FURTHER  ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
farmers with their beasts, — enquiring between each poke,
"Does that hurt you?  and being answered by a convulsive
"Oh! " and a groan of agonv. The doctor then prescribes a
draught to be taken every half-hour, with the pills and blister
at bed-time; and, after covering his two fellow-actors with
confusion, by observing that he leaves his patient inl admirable
hands, and, that in an affection of the heart, the application ol
lip-salve and warm treatment will give a decided tone to the
system, and produce soothing and grateful emotions-takes his
leave; and the folding-doors are closed on the blushes of Miss
Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant Green.
More applause: more agreeable conversation: more ingenious
speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek is now of opinion that
the word is either "medicine" or "suffering."  Miss Helen
still sagely observes, " we shall see more in the next scene."
ScENE III.  Syllable 8.-Mr. Verdant Green discovered
sitting at a table furnished with pens and ink, books, and rolls
of paper. Mr. Verdant Green wears on his head a Clelsea
pensioner's cocked-hat (the "property" of the Family,-as Mr,
Footelights would have said), folded into a shovel shape; and
is supposed to accurately represent the outside of a Londor
F.- ~cr 




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                8
publisher. To him enter Mr. Bouncer-the flour off his headcoat buttoned tightly to the throat, no visible linen, and
wearing in his face and appearance generally, "the garb of
humility."  Says the publisher "Now, sir, please to state your
business, and be quick about it: I am much engaged in looking
over for the press a work of a distinguished author, which 1
am just about to publish." Meekly replies the other, as he holds
under his arm an immense paper packet: " It is about a work
of my own, sir, that I have now ventured to intrude upon you.
I have here, sir, a small manuscript," (producing his roll of a
book), " which I am ambitious to see given to the world through
the medium of your printing establishment."   To him, the
Publisher-" Already am I inundated with manuscripts on all
possible subjects, and cannot undertake to look at any more for
some time to c6me. Whatis the nature of your manuscript  "
Meekly replies the other-" The theme of my work, sir, is a
History of England before the Flood. The subject is both new
and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved country
existed before the Flood: if so, it must have had a history. I
have therefore endeavoured to fill up what is lacking in the
annals of our land, by a record of its antediluvian state, adapted
to the meanest comprehension, and founded on the most
baseless facts, I am desirous, sir, to see myself in print. I
should like my work, sir, to appear in large letters; in very
large letters, sir. Indeed, sir, it would give me joy, if you
would condescend to print it altogether in capital letters: my
magnum opus might then be called with truth, a capital work."
To him, the Publisher-" Much certainly depends on the
character of the printing."  Meekiy the author-" Indeed, sir,
it does. A great book, sir, should be printed in great letters.
If you will permit me, I will show you the size of the letters in
which I should wish my book to be printed."  Mr. Bouncer
then points out in some books on the table, the printing he
most admires; and, beseeching the Publisher to read over his
manuscript,. and think favourably of his History of England
before the Flood, makes his bow to Mr. Verdant Green and
the Chelsea pensioner's cocked hat.
More applause, and speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek
confident that he has discovered the word. It must be either
"publisher" or "authorship."  Miss Helen still sage.
SCENE IV. The Word.-Miss Bouncer discovered with her
camera, arranging her photographic chemicals. She soliloquises.
"There! now, all is ready for my sitter." She calls the footman
(Mr. Verdant Green), and says, "John, you may show the




84   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
Lady Fitz-Canute upstairs."  The footman shows in Miss
Honeywood, dressed in an antiquated bonnet and mantle,
waving a huge fan. John gives her a chair, into which she
drops, exclaiming, " What an insufferable toil it is to ascend to
these elevated Photographic rooms;" and makes good use ol
her fan. Miss Bouncer then fixes the focus of her camera, and
begs the Lady Fitz-Canute to sit perfectly still, and to call up
an agreeable smile to her face. Miss Honeywood thereupon
disposes her face in ludicrous "wreathed smiles;" and Miss
Bouncer's head disappears under the velvet hood of the
camera. " I am afraid," at length says Miss Bouncer, "I am
afraid that I shall not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of
your ladyship this morning."  "And why, pray?" asks her
ladyship with haughty surprise. "Because it is a gloomy day,"
replies the Photographer, "and much depends \upon the rays
of light."  "Then procure the rays of.light! "  "That is more
than I can do."  " Indeed! I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute
wishes for the rays of light, and condescends to pay for the rays
of light, she can obtain the rays of light."  Miss Bouncer
considers this too exigeant, and puts her sitter off by promising
to complete a most fascinating portrait of her or omine more
favourable day. Lady Fitz-Canute appears to be somewhat
mollified at this, and is graciously pleased to observe, "Then I
will undergo the fatigue of ascending to these elevated Photographic-rooms at some future period. But, mind, when I next
come, that you procure the rays of light! " So she is shown
out by Mr. Verdant Green, and the folding-doors are closed
amid applause, and the audience distract themselves with guesses
as to the word.
"Photograph" is a general favourite, but is found not to
agree with the three first scenes, although much ingenuity is
expended in endeavouring to make them fit the word. The
Curate makes a headlong rush at the word " Daguerreotype,"
and is confident that he has solved the problem, until he is
informed that it is a word of more than three syllables. Charles
Larkyns has already whispered the word to Mary Green; but
they keep their discovery to themselves. At length, the Revd.
Josiah Meek, in a moment of inspiration, hits upon the word,
and proclaims it to be CALOTTPE (" Call-oh!-type; ") upon
which Mr. Alfred Brindle declares to Miss Fanny Green that
he had fancied it must be that, all along, and, in fact, was just
on the point of saying it: and the actors, coming in in a body,
receive the violet-crowns and laurel-wreaths of praise as the
meed of their exertions. Perhaps, the Miss Honeywood, and




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                  85
Mr. Bouncer receive larger crowns than the otners, but Mr.
Verdant Green gets his due share, and is fully satisfied with his
first appearance on " the boards."
Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from  the young
ladies, and discharges of chromatic fireworks from the fingers of
Miss Waters, for whom  Charles Larkyns does the polite, in
turning over the leaves of her music.  Then some carol-singers
come to the Hall-door, and the bells of the church proclaim, in
joy ful peals, the birth of the New Year;-a new year of hopes,
and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and partings;-a
new year of which, who then present shall see the end? who
shall be there to welcome in its successor? who shall be
absent, laid in the secret places of the earth? Ah, who? For,
even in the midst of revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those
old church bells can strike the key-note of a wail of grief.
Another charade follows, in which new actors join. Then
comes a merry supper, in which Mr. Alfred Brindle, in order to
give himself courage to appear in the next charade, takes more




86   TH1 FtRTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEK.
champagne than is good for him; in which, too (probably,
from similar champagney reasons), Miss Parkington s unfortu.
nately self-willed nose again assumes a more roseate llue than
is becoming to a maiden; in which, too, Mr. Verdant Green
being called upon to return thanks for " the ladies "-(toast,
proposed in eloquent terms by H. Bouncer, Esq., and drunk
"with the usual honours,")-is so alarmed at finding himself
upon his legs, that his ideas altogether vanish, and in great
confusion of utterance, he observes,-" I-I-ladies and gentlemen-feel I-I- a- feel —-assure you —grattered and  flat*
tified-I mean, flattered and gratified-being called on-return
thanks —I — a-the ladies-give a larm to chife-I mean,
charm  to life-(applause) —and-a-a —grace by their table
this presence,-I mean-a-a- (applause),-and joytened our
eye-I mean, heighted our joy, to-night-(applause),-in their
name —thanks-honour."  Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage
of the applause which follows these incoherent remarks, and
sits down, covered with confusion, but thankful that the
struggle is over.
More dancing follows.  Our hero performs prodigies in the
valse a deux temps, and twirls about until he has not a leg left
to stand upon.  The harp, the violin, and the cornet-a-piston,
from the county-town, play mechanically in their sleep, and
can only be roused by repeated applications of gin-and-water.
Carriages are ordered round: wraps are in requisition: the
mysterious rites under the white-berried bush are stealthily
repeated for the last time: the guests depart, as it were, in a
heap; the Rectory party being the last to leave. The intelligent Mr. Mole, who has fuddled himself by an injudicious
mixture of the half-glasses of wine left on the supper-table, is
exasperated with the butler for not allowing him to assist in
putting away the silver; and declares that he (the butler) is
"a hold himage," for which, he (the intelligent Mr. M.),
"don't care t button!" and, as the epithet "image" appears
to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. Mole is removed from
further consequences by his intelligent wife, who is waiting to
conduct her lord and master home.
At length, the last light is out in the Manor-Green.
Mr. Verdant Green is lying uncomfortably upon his back,
and is waltzing through Dreamland with the blooming Patty
Honeywood.




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATB                 8
CHAPTER X.
MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR.
THE Christmas vacation passed rapidly away; the Honey.
wood family returned to the far north; and, once more,
Mr. Verdant Green found himself within the walls of Brazenface. He and Mr. Bouncer had together gone up to Oxford,
leaving Charles Larkyns behind to keep a grace-term.
Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good degree. For
some time past, he had been reading steadily; and, though only
a few hours in each day may be given to books-yet, when that
is done, with regularity and painstaking, a real and sensible
progress is made.  He knew that he had good abilities, and he
had determined not to let them remain idle any longer, but to
make that use of them for which they were given to him.  His
examination would come -on during the next term; and he
hoped to turn the interval to good account, and be'able in the
end to take a respectable degree. He was destined for the
Bar; and, as he had no wish to be a briefless Barrister, he knew
that college honours would be of great advantage to him in his
after career.  He, at once, therefore, set bodily to work to read
up his subjects; while his father assisted him in his labours,
and Mary Green smiled a kind approval.
Meanwhile, his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Henry
Bouncer, were enjoying Oxford life, and disporting themselves
among the crowd of skaters in the Christ Church meadows.
And a very different scene did'the meadows present to the time
when they had last skimmed over its surface. Then, the green
fields were covered with sailing-boats, out-riggers, and punts,
and Mr. Verdant Green had nearly come to an untimely end in
the waters. But now the scene was change4! Jack Frost had
stepped in, and had seized the flood. in his frozen fingers, and
had bound it up in an icy breast-plate.
And a capital place did the meadows make for any Under.
graduate  who was either a  professed  skater, or whose
skating education (as in the case of our hero) had been altogether neglected.  For the water was only of a moderate
depth; so that, in the event of the ice giving way, there was
nothing to fear beyond a slight and partial ducking. This was




88   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN,
especially fortunate for Mr. Verdant Green, who, after having
experienced total submersion and a narrow escape from drown.
ing on that very spot, would never have been induced to again
commit himself to the surface of the deep, had he not been
fully convinced that the deep had now subsided into a shallow.
With his breast fortified by this resolution, he therefore fell a
victim to the svren tongue of Mr. Bouncer, when that gentleman observed to him  with sincere feeling, "Giglamps, old
fellow! it would be a beastly shame, when there's such jolly ice,
if you did not learn to skate; especially, as I can show you the
trick."
For, Mr. Bouncer was. not only skilful with his hands and
arms, but could also perform feats with his feet. He could not
only dance quadrilles -in dress boots in a ball-room, but he
could also go through the figures on the ice in a pair of skates.
He could do the outside edge at a more acute angle than the
generality of people; he could cut figures of eight that were
worthy of Cocker himself, he could display spread-eagles that
would have astonished the Fellows of the Zoological Society.
He could skim'over the thinnest ice in the most don't-care
way; and, when at full speed, would stoop to pick up a stone.
le would take a hop-skip-and-a-jump; and would vault over
walking-sticks, as easily as if he were on dry land,-an accomplishment which he had learnt of the Count Doembrownski, a
Russian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived chiefly on
skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and whose short residence in Oxford was suddenly brought to a full stop by the
arbitrary power of the Vice-Chancellor.  So, lAr. Verdant
Green was persuaded to purchase, and put on a pair of skates,
and to make his first appearance as a skater in the Christ
Church meadows, under the auspices of Mr. Bouncer.
The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of skates is
peculiar. It is not unlike the sensation which must have been
felt by the young bear, when he was dropped from his mamma's
mouth, and, for the first time, told to walk. The poor little bear
felt, that it was all very well to say " walk,"-but how was he
to do it? Was he to walk with his right fore-leg only? or,
with his left fore-leg? or, with both his fore-legs? or, was he
to walk with his right hind-leg? or, with his left hind-leg? or,
with both his hind-legs? or, was he to make a combination of
hind and fore-legs, and walk with all fuur at once? or, what
was he to do?  So he tried each of these ways; and they all
failed. Poor little bear!
Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little bear's




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                ft
condition. He was undecided whether to skate with his ight
leg, or with his left leg, or
with both his legs.  He
tried his right leg, and im- 
mediately it glided off at
right angles with his body,  -
while his left leg performed  --                      A  
a similar and spontaneous   f     jI  f
direction. Having captured
his left leg, he put it cautiously forwards, and im-.
mediately it twisted under
him, while his right leg'                      l     t
amused itself by describing  " 
an altogether unnecessary  -  _  
circle.  Obtaining a brief      _~
mastery  over both  legs,
he put them  forwards at
the  same  moment, and    _  ~
they  fled from   beneath     -
him, and he was flung-bump!on his back. Poor little bear!
But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates when
J ou are in a perpendicular position, how much is the difficulty
increased when your position has become a horizontal one!
You raise yourself on your knees,-you assist yourself with
your hands,-and, no sooner have you got one leg right, than
away slides the other, and down you go. It is like the movement in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in which the
French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as difficult to
perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found that though he might
be ambitious to excel in the polite accomplishment of skating,
yet that his ambition was destined to meet with many a fall.
But he persevered, and perseverance will achieve wonders,
especially when aided by the tuition of such an indefatigable
gentleman as Mr. Bouncer.
" You get on stunningly, Giglamps," said the little gentleman, "and hav'nt been on your beam ends more than once a
minute. But I should advise you, old fellow, to get your situpons seated with wash-leather,-just like the eleventh hussars
do with their cherry-coloured pants. It'l come cheaper in
the end, and may be productive of comfort. And now, after all
these exciting ups and downs, let us go and have a quiet hand
at billiards."  So the two friends strolled up the High, where




90   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
they saw two Queensmen " confessing their shame," as Mr.
Bouncer phrased it, by standing under the gateway of their
college; and went on to Bickerton's, where they found all the
tables occupied, and Jonathan playing a match with Mr.
Fluke of Christchurcl.  So, after watching the celebrated
marker long enough to inspire them with a desire to accomplish similar feats of dexterity, they continued their walk to
Broad Street, and, turning up a yard opposite to the Clarendon,
found that Betteris had an upstair room at liberty., Here they
accomplished several pleasing mathematical problems with the
balls, and contributed their modicum  towards the smoking of
the ceiling of the room.
Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of getting
through a cigar without making himself ill, he had looked upon
himself as a genuine smoker,; and had, from  time to time,
bragged of his powers as regarded the fumigation of " the herb
Nicotiana, commonly called tobacco," (as the Oxford statute
tersely says).  This was an amiable weakness on his part that
had not escaped the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, who had
frequently taken occasion, in the presence of his friends, to
defer to Mr. Verdant Green's judgment in the matter of
cigars.  The train of adulation being thus laid, an opportunity
was only needed to fire it. It soon came.'" Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it chanced that
Mr. Bouncer was consuming his minutes and cigars at his
tobacconist's, when his eye lighted for the thousandth time on
the roll of cabbage-leaves, brown paper, and refuse tobacco,




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                 91
which being done up into the form of a monster cigar (a foot
long, and of proportionate thickness), was hung in the shop.
window, and did duty as a truthful token of the commodity
vended within.  Mr.
Bouncer had looked at    If            1   I
nine times, without its                  t  N 
suggesting   anything 
else to his mind, thtan
its being of the same  t sF't. i                 youe 
class of art as the                    wol.ala."n
monster mis-reliresentations outside wi lde  
beast shows; but hn
now  gazed upon  it
with  new sensations.
In short, Mr. Bouncer                                dot  t
took such a fancy to 
the thing, that he put-   -
chased it, and took it,
off to his rooms,-though he did not mention this fact to his
friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when he saw him  soon after.
wards, and spoke to him of his excellent judgment in tobacco.
"A  taste for smoke comes natural, Giglamps! " said Mr.
Bouncer.  "It's what you call a nascitur non fit;  and, if you
haven't the gift, why you can't purchase it. Now, you're a
judge of smoke; it's a gift with you, don't you see; and you
could no more help knowing a good weed from a bad one, than
you could help waggling your tail if you were a baa-lamb."
Mr. Verdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowledgment
of this delightful flattery.
" Now,'thege's old Footelights, you know; he's got an uncle,
who's a governor, or some great swell, out in Barbadoes. Well,
every now and then the old trump sends Footelights no end of a
box of weeds; not common ones, you understand, but regular tiptoppers; but they're quite thrown away on poor Footelights,
who'd think as much of cabbage-leaves as he wouldof real Havannabs, so he's always obliged to ask somebody else's opiicion about
them. Well, he's got a sample ot'a weed of a most terrific kind:
— Jaagnifieo Pomposo is the name;-no end uncommon, and at
least a foot long. We don't meet with'em in England because
they're too expensive to import. Well, it would'nt do to
throw away such a weed as this on any one; so, Footelighte




92   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
wants to have the opinion of a man who's really a judge c f
what a good weed is. I refused, because my taste has been
rather out of order lately; and Billy Blades is in training foi
Henley, so he's obliged to decline; so I told him of you,
Giglamps, and said, that if there was a man in Brazenface that
could tell him what his Magnifico Pomposo was worth, that
man was Verdant Green. Don't blush, old feller! you can't
help having a fine judgment, you know; so don't be ashamed'of it. Now, you must wine with me this evening; Footelights
and some more men are coming; and we're all anxious to hear
your opinion about these new weeds, because, if it's favourable we can club together, and import a box."  Mr. Bouncer's
victim, being perfectly unconscious of the trap laid for him,
promised to come to the wine, and give his opinion on this
weed of fabled size and merit.
When the evening and company had come, he was rather
staggered at beholding the dimensions of the pseudo-cigar;
but, rashly judging that to express surprise would be to betray
ignorance, Mr. Verdant Green  inspected the formidable
monster with the air of a connoisseur, and smelt, pinched, and
rolled his tongue round it, after the manner of the best critics.
If this was a diverting spectacle to the assembled guests of Mr.
Bouncer, how  must the
4A  Ho^^^^  *~\           - humour of the scene have
( {'^ ^   -~] E m    +   been increased, when our
~^            ), hero, with great difficulty,
— J c   l. _   lighted the cigar, and, with
~~ k J7~r v) f^    still greater difficulty, held..-:l  ^ —~,/ - 7    it in his mouth, and endeavoured to smoke it! As,  Mr. Foote afterwards observed, "it was a situation
I III~  J,.~ for a screaming farce."," It doesn't draw well! "
^/e    ^faltered the victim, as the:    bundle of rubbish went out
for the fourth time.
"Why, that's always the case with the Barbadoes baccy'
said Mr. Bouncer; "it takes a long pull, and a strong pull,
and a pull all together to get it to make a start; but when
once it does go, it goes beautiful-like a house a-fire. But
you can't expect it to be like a common threepenny weed.
Here! let me light him  for you, Giglamps; I'11 give the
beggar a dig in his ribs, as a gentle persuader." Mr. Bouncel




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                 98
thereupon poked his pen-knife through the rubbish, and after
a time induced it to "draw; " and Mr. Verdant Green palled
at it furiously, and made his eyes water with the unusual cloud
of smoke that he raised.
"And now, what d'ye think of it, my beauty? " inquired
Mr. Bouncer. " It's something out of the common, ain'tit? "
"It has a beautiful ash!" observed Mr. Smalls.
"And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy the
trainer, and smoke one like it! " said Mr. Blades.
"So pray give me your reading-at least, your opinion,-on
my Magnifico Pomposo!" asked Mr. Foote.
"Well," answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly-turning very
pale as he spoke," at first, I thought it was be-yew-tiful;
but, altogether, I think-that-the Barbadoeo  tobaccodoesn't quite-agree with-my stom-" the speaker abruptly
concluded by dropping the cigar, putting his handkerchief to
his mouth, and rushing into Mr. Bouncer's bed-room. The
Magnifico Pomposo had been too much for him, and had
produced sensations accurately interpreted by Mr. Bouncer,
who forthwith represented in expressive pantomine, the actions
of a distressed voyager, when he feebly murmurs " Steward! "
To atone for the " chaffing" which he had been the means
of inflicting, on his friend, the little gentleman, a few days
afterwards, proposed to take our hero to the Chipping Norton
Steeple-chase,-Mr. Smalls and Mr. Fosbrooke making up the
quartet for a tandem. It was on their return from the races,
that, after having stopped at The Bear at Woodstock, "to wasb
out the norses' mouths," and having done this so effectually




94   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
that the horses had appeared to have no mouths left, and had
refused to answer the reins, and had smashed the cart against
a house, which had seemed to have danced into the middle of
the road for their diversion,-and, after having put back to
The Bear, and prevailed upon that animal to lend them a nondescript vehicle of the "pre-adamite buggy " species, described
by Sidney Smith,-that, much time having been consumed by
the progress of this chapter of accidents, they did not reach
Peyman's Gate until a, late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green
found that he was once more in difficulties. For they had no
sooner got through the gate, than the wild octaves from Mr.
Bouncer's post-horn were suddenly brought to a full stop, and
Mr. Fosbrooke, who was the "'waggoner," was brought to
Woh! and was compelled to pull up in obedience to the
conmand of the proctor,, who, as on a previous occasion,
suddenly appeared from behind the toll-house, in company with
his marshall and bull-dogs.
The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next day, was,
"Sir! You will translate all your lectures; have your name
crossed on the buttery and kitchen books; and be confined to
chapel, hall, and college."
This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as it somewhat
interfered with the duties and pleasures attendant upon his
boating practice.  For, wonderful to relate, Mr. Verdant
Green had so much improved in the science, that he was now
"Number 3" of his college "Torpid," and was in hard
training.  The Torpid races commenced on March 10th, and
were continued on the following days.  Our hero sent his
father a copy of " Tintinnabulum''s Life," which-after informing the Manor Green family that ".the boats took up
positions in the following order:  "Brazenose, Exeter 1,
Wadham, Baliol, St. John's, Pembroke, University, Oriel,
Brazenface, Christ Church 1, Worcester, Jesus, Queen's,
Christ Church 2, Exeter 2 "-proceeded to enter into particulars of.each day's sport, of which it is only necessary to
record such as gave interest to our hero's family.
"First day. * * * Brazenface refused to acknowledge the
bump by Christ Church (1) before they came to the Cherwell.
There is very little doubt but that they were bumped at the
Gut and the Willows. * * *
" Second day. * * * Brazenface rowed pluckily away from
Worcester. * * *
" Third day. * * * A splendid race between Brazenface
and Worcester; and, at the flag, the latter were within a foot;




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                 9
they did not, however, succeed in bumping.  The cheering
from the Brazenface barge was vociferous. * * 
"Fourth  day. *   *   Worcester was more fortunate,
and succeeded in making the bump at the Cherwell, in conse.
quence of No. 3 of the Brazenface boat fainting from fatigue."
Under "' No. 3 " Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a pencil
line, and had& written " V. G."  He shortly after related to
his family the gloomy particulars of the bump, when h6
returned home for the Easter vacation.
CHAPTER XI.
MR. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS
DESPITE the hindrance which the grande passion is supposed
to bring to the student, Charles Larkyns had made very good
use of the opportunities afforded him by the leisure of his
grace-term.  Indeed, as he himself observed,
"Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame,
The power of grace V"
And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not been
wasted in idleness, but had been turned to profitable account,
it is not at all unlikely that his pleasures of hope regarding his
Degree-examination, and the position his name would occupy
in the Class-list, were of a roseate hue.  He therefore, when
the Easter vacation had come to an end, returned to Oxford in
high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr. Bouncer, who,
after a brief visit to "the Mum," had passed the remainder
of the vacation at the Manor Green.  During these few
holiday weeks, Charles Larkyns had acted as private tutor to
his two friends, and had, in the language of Mr. Bouncer,
"put them  through their paces uncommon;" for the little
gentleman was going in for his Degree, alias Great-go, alias
Greats; and our hero for his first examination in literis
humanioribus, alias Responsions, alias Little-go; alias Smalls.
Thus the friends returned to  Oxford mutually benefited;
but, as the time for examination drew nearer and still nearer,
the fears of Mr. Bouncer rose in a gradation of terrors, that
threatened to culminate in an actual panic.
You see," said the little gentleman, " the Mum's set her
heart on my getting through, and I must read like the doouse




96   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREES,
ALd I havn't got the head, you see, for Latin and Greek; and
that beastly Euclid altogether stumps me; and I feel as
though I should come to grief.  I'm  blowed," the little
gentleman would cry, earnestly and sadly, "I'm blow'd if I
don't think they must have given me too much pap when I
was a babby, and softened my brains! or else, why can't I
walk into these classical parties just as easy as you, Charley,
or old Giglamps there?  But I can't, you see: my brains are
addled. They say it ain't a bad thing for reading to get your
head shaved. It cools your brains, and gives full play to what
you call your intellectual faculties. I think I shall try the
dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam.
and then, when I've stumped the examiners, I can wear my
own luxuriant locks again."
And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not many
days after, astonished his friends and the University generally
by appearing in a wig of curly black hair. It was a pleasing
sight to see the little gentleman with a scalp like a billiard
ball, a pipe in his mouth, and the wig mounted on a block,
with  books spread  before him, endeavouring to persuade
himself that he was working up his subjects. It was still
more pleasing to view  him, in mcments of hilarity, divest
himself of his wig, and hurl it at the scout, or any other
offensive object that appeared before him. And it was a sight
not to be forgotten by the beholders, when, after too recklessly
partaking of an indiscriminate mixture of egg-flip, sangaree,
and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at the spectacles of
Mr. Verdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, foil




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.
back into the coal-scuttle, where le lay,bald-headed and helpless,
laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Hiuz and Buz.
But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or,
rather, loss of feature) that distinguished Mr. Bouncer's
reading for his degree.  The gentleman with the limited
knowledge of the cornet-a-piston, who had the rooms immediately beneath those of our hero and his friend, had made
such slow progress in his musical education, that he had even
now scarcely got into his " Cottage near a Wood." This gentleman was Mr. Bouncer's Frahkenstein. He was always rising
up when he was not wanted. When Mr. Bouncer felt as if
he could read, and sat down to his books, wigless and determined, the doleful legend of the cottage near a wood was
forced upon him in an unpleasingly obtrusive and distracting
manner.  It was in vain that Mr. Bouncer sounded his
octaves in all their discordant variations; the gentleman had
no ear, and was not to be put out of his cottage on any
terms: Mr. Bouncer's notices of ejectment were always disregarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach
(whose rooms were in the angle of the Quad) would have
been pierced by the noise, and that he would have put a stop
to the nuisance; but, either from its being too customary a
custom, or that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach had grown callous,
the nuisance was suffered to continue unreproved.
Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate method
of calling attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a
louder description; and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this,
-notwithstanding the energy and annoying ability that he
threw into them,-he conceived the idea of setting up a drum!
The plan was no sooner thought of than carried out. He met
with an instrument sufficiently large and formidable for his
purpose,-hired it, and had it stealthily conveyed into college
(like another Falstaff) in a linen " buck-basket." He waited
his opportunity; and, the next time that the gentleman in the
rooms beneath took his cornet to his cottage near a wood, Mr.
Bouncer, stationed on the landing above, played a thundering
accompaniment on his big drum.
The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled round the
Quad, and brought to the spot a rush of curious and excited
undergraduates.  Mr. Bouncer,-after taking off his wig in
honour of the air,-then treated them to the National Anthem,
arranged as a drum solo for two sticks, thd chorus being
sustained by the voices of those present; when in the midst of
the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr. Slowcoach
10




98   THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
appeared upon the scene. Sternly the tutor demanded the ieaL6 ^if,l^T  -a""'^^   son of the strange hubbubi
E-d-                   -); lt~ -   and was answered by Mr.
c~'S-Jf         ^t -. 1 ( Bouncer, that, as one genC' -4r'I /     tlemanwas allowed to play
_ ~ — t- o   ~, I- J,,\,~ "  A   own but no one else's graI  tification, he could not see
ia  why he (Mr. Bouncer)!,    K                       A&tfmight not also, whenever
he pleased, play for hie'tli),!z!t~V ~. - A;         own gratification his faBi     2ii8' l k~C~C~1~ j;_~~..~ S ~ l vourite instrument - the
llbig drum. This specious
excuse, although logical,
l~mla~ ~~an's~ ~~  was not altogether  sBut, as
fatory that the cornet-piston  gentleman was toah;
and, with some asperity,
never again to indulge;D, what he termed (in reference probably to the little gentleman's bald head), "such an indecent exhibition."   But, as he
ifrther ordered that the cornet-a-piston gentleman was to
instrumentally enter into his cottage near a wood, only at
stated hours in the afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had gained his
point in putting a stop to the nuisance so far as it interfered
with his reading; and, thenceforth, he might be seen on brief
occasions persuading himself that he was furiously reading
and getting up his subjects by the aid of those royal roads to
knowledge, variously known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts,
analyses, or epitomes.
But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him out of
the schools, Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as
ignorant, intended to assist himself when in the schools by any
contrivance that his ingenuity could suggest, or his audacity
carry out.
"It's quite fair," was the little gentleman's argument, "to
do the examiners in any way that you can, as lopg as you only
go in for a pass. Of course, if you were going in for a class,
or a scholarship, or anything of that sort, it would be no end
mean and dirty to crib; and the gent that did it ought to be
kicked out of the society of gentlemen. But when you only go
in for a pass, and ain't doing any one any harm by a little bit




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.               90
of. cribbing, but choose to run the risk to save yourself the
bothel of being ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound
to do what he can for himself. And, you see, in my case,
Giglamps, there's the Mum to be considered; she'd cut up
doosid, if I didn't get through; so I mmust crib a bit, if it's only
for her sake."
But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness
the excuse for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet
he could neither persuade Mr. Verdant Green to follow his
example, nor to be a convert to his opinions; nor would he be
persuaded by our hero to relinquish his designs.
"Why, look here, Giglamps!" Mr. Bouncer would say;
"how can I relinquish them, after- having had all this trouble P
I'll put you up to a few of my dodges-free, gratis, for
nothing. In the first place, G(iglamps, you see here's a small
circular bit of paper, covered with.Peloponnesian and Punic
wars, and no end of dates,-written small and short, you see,
but quite legible,-with the chief things done in red ink.
Well, this gentleman goes in the front of my watch, under the
glass; and, when I get stumped for a date, out comes the
watch;-I look at the time of day —you.understand, and down
goes the date.  Here's another dodge!" added the little gen.
tleman-who  might well have  been  called  "the  Artful
Dodger "-as he produced a shirt from a drawer. " Look here
at the wristbands!  Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah,
with their dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as
to wash out again.  You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite
accidentally, and then you book your king. You see, Giglamps,
I don't like to trust, as some fellows do, to having what you
want, written down'small afd shoved into a quill, and passed to
you by some man sitting in the schools; that's dangerous, don't
you see. And I don't like to hold cards in my hand; I've
improved on that, and invented a first-rate dodge of my own,
that I intend to take out a patent for. Like all truly great
inventions, it's no end simple. In the first place, look straight
afore you, my little dear, and you will see this pack of cards,all made of a size, nice to hold in the palm  of your hand;
they're about all sorts of rum things,-everything that I want.
And you see that each beggar's got a hole drilled in him.
And you see, here's a longish string with a little bit of hooked
wire at the end, made so that I can easily hang the card on it.
Well, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under my
waistcoat; and here, you see, I've got the wire end in the
palm of my hand. Then, I slip out the card I want, and hook




100  THE FURTHER ADVENTURE'S OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
it on to the wire, so that I can have it just before me as
I write.  Then, if any of the examiners look suspicious, or
if one of them  comes round to spy, I just pull the bit ol
string that hangs under the bottom  of my waistcoat, and
away flies the card up my  coat sleeve; and when  the
examiner comes round, he sees that my hand's never moved,
and that there's nothing in it!  So he walks off satisfied; and
then I shake the little beggar out of my sleeve again, and
the same game goes on as before.  And when the string's
tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to
hoist the card into your sleeve, without moving either of your
hands.  I've got an Examination-cVat made on purpose, with
a heap of pockets, in which I can stow my cards in regular
order.  These three pockets,"  said Mr. Bouncer, as he
produced the coat, "are entirely for Euclid.  Here's each
problem written right out on a card; they're laid regularly in
order, and I turn them over in my pocket, till I get hold
of the one I want; and then I take it out, and work it.  So
you see, Giglamps, I'm safe to get through!-it's impossible for
them to plough me, with all these contrivances. That's a consolation for a cove in distress, ain't it, old feller?"
Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade
Mtr. Bouncer that his conduct would, at the very least, be foolhardy, and that he had much better throw his pack of cards into
the fire, wash the Kings of Israel and Judah off his shirt,
destroy his strings and hooked wires, and keep his Examination,
coat for a shooting one. But all their arguments were in vain




AN OXFORI UNDERGRADUATE.              10
and the infatuated little gentleman, like a deaf adder, shut his
ears at the voice of the charmer.
What between the Cowley ceicketings, and the Isis boatings,
Mr. Verdant Green only read by spasmodic fits; b-t, as he
was very fairly up in his subjects-thanks to Charles Larkyns
and the Rector-and as the Little-go was not such a very for.
midable affair, or demanded a scholar of first-rate calibre, the
only terrors that the examination could bring him were those
which were begotten of nervousness.  At length the lists
were out; and our hero read among the names of candidates,
that of
" GREE, Verdant, e Coll. AEn. Fa."
There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing vour name in
print. Instances are on record where people have taken a
world of trouble merely that they may have the pleasure of
perusing their names " among the fashionables present " at tne
Countess of So-and-so's evening-reception; and cases are not
wanting where young ladies and gentlemen have expended no
small amount of pocket-money in purchasing copies of The
Times (no reduction; too, being made on taking a quantity!)
in order that their sympathising friends might have the pride of
seeing their names as coming out at drawing-rooms and levees.
When a young M.P. has stammered out his coup-d'essai in the
House, he views, with mingled emotions, his name given to the
world, for the first time, in capital letters. When young
authors and artists filst see their names in print, is it not a
pleasure to them?  W hen Ensign Dash sees himself gazetted,
does he not look on his name with a peculiar sensation, and
forthwith send an impression of the paper to'Master Jones, who
was flogged with him  last week for stealing apples?  When
Mr. Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr. Robinson cin dub
himself M. R. C. S., do they not behold their names in print
with feelings of rapture?  And when Miss Brown has been
to her first ball, does she not anxiously await the coming of the
next county newspaper, in order to have the happiness of
reading her name there?
But, different to these are the sensations that attend the
seeing your name first in print in a College examination-list.
They are, probably, somewhat isimilar to the sensations you
would feel on seeing your name in a death-warrant. Your
blood runs hot, then cold, then hot again; your pulse goes at
fever pace; the throbbing arteries of your brow almost jerk
your cap off. You know that the worst is come,-that the law
of the Dons, which altereth not, has fixed your name there, an(4




102  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT OBEEN,
that there is no escape. The courage of despair then takes
possession of your soul, and nerves you for the worst. You
soin the crowd of nervous fellow-sufferers who are thronging
round the buttery-door to examine the list, and you begin with
them  calmly to parcel out the names by sixes and eights,
and then to arrive at an opinion when your day of execution
will be. If your name comes at the head of the list, you wish
that you were "YouvNG, Carolus, e Coll. Vigorn." that you
might have a reprieve of your sentence. If your name is at
the end of the list. you wish that you were " ADAMS, Edvardus
Jacobus, e Coll. tTUiv." that you might go in at once, and be
put out of your misery. If your name is in the middle of the
ist,'you wish that it were elsewhere: and then you wish that
it were out of the list altogether.
Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. Verdant
Green pass, until at length they were all lost in the deeper
gloom of actual entrance into the schools. When once there,
his fright soon passed away. Re-assured by the kindly voice of
the examiner, telling him to read over his Greek before construing it, our hero recovered his equanimity, and got through
his viva voce with flying colours; and, on glancing over his
paper-work, soon saw that the questions were within his scope,
and that he could answer most of them. Without hazarding
his success by making "bad shots," he contented himself by
answering those questions only on which he felt sure; and
when his examination was over, he left the schools with a




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.                  108
retty safe conviction that he was safe, "and was well through
is smalls."
He could not but help, however, feeling some anxiety on the
subject, until he was relieved from- all further fears, by the
arrival of Messrs. Fosbrooke' Smalls, and Blades, with a slip
of paper (not unlike those which Mr. Levi, the sheriff's officer
makes use of), on which was written and printed as follows;"GREEN, VERDANT, A COLL. tEN. FAC.
Qusestionibus Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma respondit.
Ita' t    EROBERTUS JONES.
Jwnii 7, 18-."
Alas for Mr. Bouncer!  Though he had put in practice all
the ingenious plans which were without a doubt to ensure him
success; and though he had worked his cribs with consummate
coolness, and had not been discovered; yet, nevertheless, his
friends came to him empty-handed. The infatuated little gentleman had either trusted too much to his own astuteness, or
else he had over-reached himself, and had used his card-knowledge in wrong places; or, perhaps, the examiners may have
suspected his deeds from  the nature. of his papers,-and may
have refused to pass him.  But whatever might be the cause,
the little gentleman had to defer taking his degree for some
months at least.. In a word-and a dreadful word it is to all
undergraduates-Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED!  He bore his
unexpected reverse of fortune very philosophically, and professed to regret it only for " the Mum's " sake; but he seemed
to feel that the Dons of his college would look shy upon: him,
and he expressed his opinion that it would be better for him to
migrate to the Tavern.*
But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly punished for
his idleness and duplicity, Charles Larkyns was rewarded for all
his toil. He did even better than he had expected: for, not
only did his name appear in the second class, but' the following
extra  news concerning. him  was  published  in  the daily
papers, under the very appropriate heading of ":University
Intelligence." 
"OXFORD, June 9.-Phe Chancellor's prizes have been awarded as
follows:"Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brnaenface. The New
digate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same gentleman."'
* A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, "New
Inn," but also because the: buttery is open all day, and the members of
the Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the same as in 
tavern.




104  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. He had
conceived the idea of doing so when the subject had been
given out in the previous " long: " he had worked at the subject
privately, and, when the day (April 1) on which the poems had
to be sent in, had come, he had watched his opportunity,
and secretly dropped through the wired slit in the door of
the registrar's office at the Clarendon, a manuscript poem,
distinguished by the motto:"Oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand
And the sound of a voice that is stilL"
We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing at the
Manor Green and the Rectory, when the news arrived of the
success of Charles Larkyns and Mr. Verdant Green.
CHAPTER XII.
MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE
COMMEMORATION.
THE Commemoration had come; and, among the people who
were drawn to the sight from  all parts of the country, the
Warwickshire coach landed in Oxford our friends Mr, Green,
his two eldest daughters, and the Rector-for all of whom
Charles Larkyns had secured very comfortable lodgings in
Oriel Street.
The weather was of the finest; and the beautiful city of colleges looked at its best. While the Rector met with old friends,
and heard his son's praises, andrenewed his acquaintance with
his old haunts of study, Mr. Green again lionised Oxford
in a much more comfortable and satisfactory manner than he
had previously done at the heels of a professional guide. As
for the young ladies, they were charmed with everything; for
they had never before been in an University town, and all
hings had the fascination of novelty. Great were the luncheons
i eld in Mr. Verdant Green's and Charles Larkyns' rooms;
nL usical was the laughter that floated merrily through the grave
old quads of Brazenface; happy were the two hearts that held
converse with each other in those cool cloisters and shady
gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish smiles can
change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowledge! How




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE                  101
sunlight can be brought into the gloomiest nooks of learning
by the beams that irradiate happy girlish faces, where the light
of love and truth shines out clear and joyous! How  the
appearance of the Commemoration week is influenced in a way
thus described by one of Oxonia's poets:~
" Peace! for in the gay procession brighter forms are borne alongFairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic throng.
Blither laughter's ringing music fills the haunts of men awhile,
And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden's smile.
Maidens teach a softer science-laughing Love his pinions dips,
Hush'd to hear fantastic whispers murmur'd from a pedant's lips.
Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of starch,
And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies' smiles be arch."
Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his father,
the party were enabled to see all that was to be seen during
the Commemoration week.  On the Saturday night they went
to the amateur concert at the Town Hall, in aid of which
strange to say, Mr. Bouncer's proffer of his big drum had been
declined. On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St.
Mary's to hear the Bampton lecture; and, in the afternoon, to
the magnificent choral service at New College. In the evening
they attended the customary "Show Sunday" promenade in
Christ Church Broad Walk, where, under the delicious cool of
the luxuriant foliage, they met all the rank, beauty, and fashion
that were assembled in Oxford; and where, until Tom " tolled
10*
^'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




106  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
the hour for retiring," they  threaded their way amid a
miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and Tufts and
Heads of Houses,With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans,
And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair.
On the Monday they had a party to Woodstock and Blenheim;
and in the evening went, on the Brazenface barge, to see
the procession of boats, where the Misses Green had the
satisfaction to see their brother pulling in one of the fifteen
torpids that followed immediately in the wake of the other boats.
lhey concluded the evening's entertainments in a most satisfactory manner, by going to the ball at the Town Hall.
Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was worthy of
all credit, and proved them-to be possessed of the most vigorous
constitutions; for, although they danced till an early hour in
the morning, they not only, on the next day, went to the
anniversary sermon for the Radcliffe, and after that to the
horticultural show in the Botanical Gardens, and after that
to the concert in the
~   Sheldonian Theatre, but
-as though: they had' fatigue them already-'    they must, forsoothBrazenface being one
of the ball-giving colAleges wind u the. c ~manight by accepting the
f\~'P~,t~~~Z~ C~j~~:r ~~;,~     polite invitation of Mr.
~~         ~I ~~Verdant Green  and
Mr. Charles Larkvns
to a ball given in tlheir
college hall. And how.       many   polkas  these
young ladiesdanced, and
how many waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices they consumed, and how many too susceptible partners they drove to the
verge of desperation, it would be improper, if not impossible,
to say.
But, however much they might have been fagged by their
exertions of feet and features, it is certain that, by ten of the
clock the next morning, they  appeared, quite  fresh  and
charming to the view, in the ladies' gallery in the theatre
There-after the proceedings had been opened by the under




AN OXFORD UNDERGRADU&TE.                A.07
graduates in their peculiar way, and by the vice-clan:.ellor in
his peculiar way-and, after the degrees had been conferred,
and  the public orator had delivered an oration in a tongue
not understanded of the people, our friends from Warwickshire
had the delight of beholding Mr. Charles Larkyns ascend the
rostrums to deliver, in their proper order, the Latin Essay and
the English Verse. He had chosen his friend Verdant to be his
prompter; so that the well-known "gig-lamps" of our hero
formed, as it were, a very focus of attraction: but it was
well for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was possessed of selfcontrol and' a good memory, for Mr.' erdant Green was far too
nervous to have prompted him in any efficient manner. We
may be sure, that in all that bevy of fair women, at least one
pair of bright eyes kindled with rapture, and one heart beat
with exulting joy, when the deafening cheers that followed the
poet's description of the moon, the sea, and woman's love (the
three  ingredients which  are apparently necessary for the
sweetening of all prize poems), rang through the theatre and
made its walls' re-echo to the shouting.  And we may be sure




108  THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
that, when it was all over, and when the Commemoraticn had
come to an end, Charles Larkyns feltrewarded for all his hours of
labour by the deep love garnered up in his heart by the trustful
affection of one who had become as dear to him as life itself!
*      *      *       *      *       *      *
It was one morning after they had all returned to the Manor
Green that our hero said to his friend, " How I do wish that
this day week were come!"
"I dare say you do," replied the friend; " and I dare say that
the pretty Patty is wishing the same wish."  Upon which Mr.
Verdant Green not only laughed but blushed!
For it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. Charles
Larkyns, and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay a long-vacation
visit to Honeywood Hall, in the county of Northumberland;
and the young man was naturally looking forward to it with
all the ardour of a first and consuming passion.




THE ADVENTURES
o0.
MRL VERDANT GREEN.
PART III.
CHAPTER I.
AB. VEDANT GREEN TRAVELS NORTH.
ULY: fierce and burning I
A  day to tinge the
green corn with a golden
hue.  A  day to scorch
grass into hay between
sunrise and sunset. A
day in which to rejoice
in the cool thick masses
----— \ ~-~ _J__    of trees, and to lie on
one's back under their,    canopy, and look dreamily up, through its rents,
at the peep of hot, cloudless, blue sky. A day to sit on shady
banks upon yielding cushions of moss and heather, from whence
you gaze on bright floowrs blazing in the blazing sun, and
rest your eyes again upon your book to find the lines swim.
ming in a radiance of mingled green and red. A day that fills
you with amphibious feelings, and makes you desire to be even
a dog, that you might bathe and paddle and swim in every road.
side brook and pond, without the exertion of dressing and undressing, and yet with propriety. A day that sends you out by
willow-hung streams, to fish, as an excuse for idleness. A day




S2         THTE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
that drives you dinnerless from smoking joints, and plunges you
thirstfully into barrels of beer.  A day that induces apathetic
listlessness and total prostration of energy, even under tie aggravating warfare of gnats and wasps. -A day that engenders pity
for the ranks of ruddy haymakers, hotly marching on under the
merciless glare of the noonday sun.  A day when the very air,
steaming up from the earth, seems to palpitate with the heat. A
day when Society has left its cool and pleasant country-house,
and finds itself baked and burnt up inltown, condemned to ovens
of' operas, and fiery furnaces of levees and drawing-rooms.  A
day when even ice is warm, and perspiring visitors to the Zoological Gardens envy the hippopotamus living in his bath.  A day
when a hot, frizzling, sweltering smell ascends from the ground,
as though it was the earth's' great ironing day.  And-above all
-a day that converts a railway traveller into a martyr, and a
first-class carriage into a moving representation of the Black
Hole of Calcutta.
So thought Mr. Verdant Green, as he was whirled onward to
the far north, in company with his three sisters, Miss Bouncer,
and Mr. Charles Larkyns.  Being six in number, they formed a
snug (and hot) family party, and filled the carriage, to the exciusin of little Mr. Bouncer, who, nevertheless, bore this temporary
and unavoidable separation with a tranquil mind, inasmuch as it
enabled him  to ride in a second-class carriage, where he could
the more conveniently indulge in the furtive pleasures of the
Virginian weed.  But, to keep up his connection with the party.
and to prove that his interest in them could not be diminished
bv a brief and enforced'iabsence, Mr. Bouncer paid them flying
visits at every station, keeping his pipe alight by a puff into the
carriage, accompanied with an expression of his full conviction
that Miss Fanny Green had been smoking, in defiance of the
company's by:laws   These rapid interviews were enlivened by
Mr. Bouncer informing/his friends that Huz and Buz (who were
panting in a locker) were as well as could be expected, and
giving any other interesting particulars regarding himself, his
fellow-travellers, or the country in general, that could be comp'essed into the space of sixty seconds or thereabouts; and the
visits were regularly and ruthlessly brought to an abrupt tei'mination by the angry "Now, then, sir!" of the guard, and the
reckless thrusting of the little gentleman into his second-class
carriage, to the endangerment of his lile and limbs,' and the exaggerated display of authority on the part of the railway official.
Mr. Bouncer's mercurial temperament had enabled him to gel




THE AD)VNTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN              8
over the little misfortune that had followed upon his exam.:nation
for hi3 degree; but he still preserved a memento of that hapless
period in the shape of a wig of curly black hair.  For he found,
during the summer months, such coolness from his shaven poll,
that, in spite of "the mum's" entreaties, he would not suffer his
own luxuriant locks to grow, but declared that, till the winter at
any rate, lie would wear his gent's real head of hair; and in
order that our railway party should not forget the reason for its
existence, Mr. Bouncer occasionally favoured them with a sight of
his bald head, and also narrated to them, with great glee, how,
when a very starchy lady of a certain age had left their carriage,
he had called after her upon the platform —holding out his wig
as he did so-that she had left some of her property behind her;
and how the passengers and porters had grinned, and the starchy
lady had lost all her stiffening through the hotness of her wrath.
York at last I A half-hour's escape from the hot carriage, and
a hasty dinner on cold lamb and cool salad in the pleasant refreshment-room  hung round with engravings.  Mr. Bouncer's
dinner is got over with incredible rapidity, in order that the little
gentleman may carry out his humane intention of releasing Huz
and Buz from their locker,.and giving them  their dinner and a
run on the remote end of the platform, at a distance from timid-.
spectators; which design is satisfactorily performed, and crowned
with a douche bath from the engine-pump. Then, away again to
the rabbit-hole
of a locker, the 
smoky  second-.           ":...
class  carriage,
tand  ever i the
first-class; in-'i
carcerated   in
which   black-                               wats of 
hole, the plump
Iiss  Bouncer, 
notwithstanding
that she has removed her bon-.
net and all superfluous coverings, gets hotter
than ever in the
afternoon sun, and is seen, ever and anon, to pass over hot
glowing face a handkerchief -cooled' with the waters of Co'lgne




A          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN
And, when the man with the grease-pot comes round to look at
the tires of the wheels, the sight of it increases her warmth by
suggesting a desire (which cannot be gratified) for lemon ice.
Nevertheless, they have with them a variety of cooling refreshments, and their hot-house fruit and strawberries are most acceptable.  The Misses Green have wisely followed their friend's
example, in the removal of bonnets and mantles; and, as they
amuse themselves with books and embroidery, the black-hole
bears, as far as possible, a resemblance to a boudoir. Charles
Larkyns favours the company with extracts from  The Times;
reads to them the last number of Dickens's new tale, or directs
their attention to the most note-worthy points on their route.
Mr. Verdant Green is seated vis-d-vws to the plump Miss Bouncer,
and benignantly beams upon her through his glasses, or musingly consults his Bradshaw to count how much nearer they
have crept to their destination, the while his thoughts have
travelled on in the very quickest of express trains, and have
already reached the far north.
Thus they journey: crawling under the stately old walls of
York; then, with a rush and a roar, sliding rapidly over the level
landscape, from whence they can look back upon the glorious
Minster towers standing out grey and cold from the sunlit plain.
Then, to Darlington; and on by porters proclaiming the names
of stations in uncouth Dunelmian tongue, informing passengers
that they have reached " Faweyill " and " Fensoosen," instead of' Ferry Hill" and "Fence Houses," and terrifying nervous
people by the command to " Change here for Doom!" when only
the propinquity of the palatinate city is signified. And so, on
by the triple towers of Durham  that gibam in the sun with a
ruddy orange hue; on, leaving to the left that last resting-place
of Bede and St. Cuthbert, on the rock
" Where his cathedral, huge and vast,
Looks down upon the Wear."
On, past the wonderfully out-of-place "Durham  monument," a
Grecian temple on a naked hill among the coal-pits; on, with a
double curve, over the Wear, laden with its Rhine-like rafts; on,
to grimy Gateshead and smoky Newcastle, and, with a scream
and a rattle, over the wonderful High Level (then barely completed), looking down with a sort of self-satisfied shudder upon
the bridge, and the Tyne, and the fleet of colliers, and the busy
quays, and the quaint timber-built houses with their overlapping
storys, and picturesque black and white gables. Then, on agian,




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
after a cool delay and brief release from the black-hole; on,
into Northumbrian ground, over the Wansbeck; past Morpeth;
by Warkworth, and its castle, and hermitage; over the Coquet
stream, beloved by the friends of gentle Izaak Walton; on, by the
sea-side-almost along the very sands-with the refreshing seabreeze, and the murmuring plash of the breakers —the Misses
Green giving way to childish delight at this their first glimpse of
the sea; on, over the Aln, and past Alnwick; and so on, still
further north, to a certain little station, which is the terminus of
their railway journey, and the signal of their deliverance from
the black-hole.
There, on the platform is Mr. Honeywood, looking hale and
happy, and delighted to receive his posse of visitors; and there,
outside the little station, is the carriage and dog-cart, and a
spring-cart for the luggage. Charles Larkyns takes possession
of the dog-cart, in company with Mary and Fanny Green, and
little Mr. Bouncer;, while Huz and Buz, released from their
weary imprisonment, caracole gracefully around the vehicle. Mr.
Honeywood takes the reins of his own carriage; Mr. Verdant
Green mounts the box beside him; Miss Bouncer and Miss
Helen Green take possession of the open interior of the carriage;
the spring-cart, with the servants and luggage, follows in the
rear; and off they go.
But, though the two blood-horses are by no means slow of
action, and do, in truth, gallop apace like fiery-footed steeds,
yet to Mr. Verdant Green's anxious mind they seem to make
but slow progress; and the magnificent country through which
they pass ofiers but slight charms for his abstracted thoughts;
until (at last) they come in sight of a broken mountain-range,
and Mr. Honeywood, pointing with his whip, exclaims, "Yon's
the Cheevyuts, as they say in these parts; there are the Cheviot
Hills; and there, just where you see that gleam of light on a
white house among some trees-there is Honeywood Hall."
Did Mr. Verdant Green remove his eyes from that object of
attraction, save when intervening hills, for a time, hid it from his
view? did he, when they neared it, and he saw its landscape
beauties bathed in the golden splendours of a July sunset, did he.
think it a very paradise that held within its bowers the Peri of
his heart's worship? did he-as they passed the lodge, and drove
up an avenue of firs-did he scan the windows of the house, and
immediately determine in his own mind which was HER window,
oblivious to the fact that SHE might sleep on the other side of
the building? did he, as they pulled up at the door, scrutiniso




8          THE ADVENTURi;S OF MR. VERDANT GREEN
the female figures who were there to receive them, and experience
a feeling made up of doubt and certainty, that there was one
who, though not present, was waiting near with a heart beating as
anxiously as his own? did he. make wild remarks, and return
incoherent answers, until the long-expected moment had come
that brought him face to face with the adorable Patty? did he
envy Charles Larkyns for possessing and practising the cousinly
privilege of bestowing a kiss upon her rosy cheeks? and did he,
as he pressed her hand, and marked the heightened glow of her
happy face, did he feel within his heart an exultant thrill of joy
as the fervid thought fired his brain-one day she may be mine?
Perhar s




THE ADVENTURES OF MS. VERDANT GREEN.           T
CHAPTER II.
MB. VERDANT GREEN DELIyERS MISS PATTY HONEYWOOD FROM THE
HORNS OF A DILEMMA.
VEN if Mr. Verdant Green
had not been filled with
the peculiarly pleasurable,i, 3it is yet exceedingly pro.
bable that he would have
found his visitto Honey.
wood Hall one of those
agreeable' and  notable
events which the memory
of after-years invests with
the couleur du rose.
In the first place-even if Miss Patty'was left out of the
question-every one was so particularly attentive to him, that
all his wants, as regarded amusement and occupation, were
promptly supplied, and not a minute was allowed to hang heavily
upon his hands. And, in the second place; the country, and its
people and customs, had so much freshness and peculiarity, that
he could not stir abroad without meeting with novelty. New
ideas were constantly received; and other sensations of a still
more delightful nature were daily deepened. Thus the time
passed pleasantly away at Honeywood Hall, and the hours chased
each other with flying feet.
Mr. Honeywood was a squire, or laird; and though the prospect from the hall was far too extensive to allow of his being
monarch of all that he surveyed, yet he was the proprietor of no
inconsiderable portion.  The small village of H6neybourn,which brought its one wide street of long, low, lime-washed houses
hard by the hall,-owned no other master than Mr. Honeywood,
and all its inhabitants were, in one way or other, his labourers,
They had their own blacksmith, shoemaker, tailor, and carpenter;
they maintained a general shop of the tea-coffee-tobacco-and-snuff
genus; and they lived as one family, entirely independent of
any other village. In fact, the villages in that district were as




8          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
sparingly distributed as are "livings" among poor curates, and,
when met with, were equally as small; and so it happened, that
as the landowners usually resided, like Mr. Honeywood, among
their own people, a gentleman would occasionally be as badly off
for a neighbour, as though he had been a resident in the backwoods of Canada.  This evil, however, was productive of good,
in that it set aside the possibility of a deliberate interchange of
formal morning-calls, and obliged neighbours to be hospitable to
each other, sansceremonie, and with all good fellowship.  To
drive fifteen, twenty, or even five-and-twenty miles, to a dinner
party was so common an occurrence, that it excited surprise only
in a stranger, whose wonderment at this voluntary fatigue would
be quickly dispelled on witnessing the hearty hospitality and
friendly freedom that made a north country visit so enjoyable,
and robbed the dinner party of its ordinary character of an Eng
lish solemnity.
Close to Honeybourn village was the Squire's model farm,
with its wide-spreading yards and buildings, and its comfortable
bailiff's house.  In a morning at sunrise, when our Warwickshire friends were yet in bed, such of them as were light sleepers
would hear a not very melodious fanfare from a cow's hornthe signal to the village that the day's work was begun, which
signal was repeated at sunset. This old custom possessed uncommon charms for Mr. Bouncer, whose only regret was that he
had left behind him his celebrated tin horn. But he took to the
cow-horn with the readiness of a child to a new plaything  and,
having placed himself under the instruction of the Northumbrian
Kcenig, was speedily enabled to sound his octaves
l^at   K^_ -^, 1'~ r  and go the complete unicorn (as he was wont to
express it, in his peculiarly figurative eastern
language) with astill more
astounding effect than he
~,~           ~.~~8~  ~iq~~Bjhad done on his former
instrument.  The little
gentleman always made
a point of thus signalling
the times of the arrival
and departure of the post,-greatly to the delight of small Jock
Muir, who, girded with his letter-bag, and mounted on a highly
trained donkey, rode to and fro to the neighbouring post-town.




TUE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
Although  Mr. Verdant Green was not (according to Mr
Bouncer) "a bucolical party," and had not any very amazing
taste for agriculture, he nevertheless could not but feel interested in what he saw  around him.  To one who was so
accustomed to the small enclosures and timbered hedge-rows
of the midland counties, the country of the Cheviots appeared
in a grand, though naked aspect, like some stalwart gladiator
of the stern old times. The fields, were of large extent; and
it was no uncommon sight to see, within one boundary fence,
a hundred acres of wheat, rippling into mimic waves, like some
inland sea. The flocks and herds, too, were on a grand scale;
men counted their sheep, not by tens, but by hundreds.  Everytiing seemed to be influenced, as it were, by the large character of the scenery. The green hills, with their short sweet
grass, gave good pasture for the fleecy tribe, who were dotted
over the sward in almost countless numbers; and Mr. Verdant
Green was as much gratified with " the silly sheep" as with
anything else that he witnessed in that land of novelty. To
see the shepherd, with his bonnet and grey plaid, and long
slinging step, walking first, and the flock following him,-to
hear him call the sheep by name, and to perceive how he knew
them  individually, and how they each and all would answer to
his voice, was a realisation of Scripture reading, and a northern
picture of Eastern life.
The head shepherd, old Andrew  Graham-an active youth
whose long snowy locks had been bleached by the snows of eighty
winters-was an especial favourite of Mr. Verdant Green's, who
would never tire of his company, or of his anecdotes of his marvellous dogs.  His cottage was at a distance from the village,
up in a siug hollow of one of the hills.  There he lived, and
there had been brought up his six sons, and as many daughters.
Of the latter, two were out at service in noble families of the
county; one was maid to the Misses Honeywood, and the three
others were at home.  How they and the other inmates of the
cottage were housed, was a mystery; for, although old Andrew
was of a superior condition in life to the other cottagers of
Honeybourn, yet his domicile was like all the rest in its arrangements and accommodation.  It was one moderately large room,
fitted up with cupboards, in which, one above another, were
berths, like to those on board a steamer.  In what way the
morning and evening toilettes were performed was a still greater
mystery to our Warwickshire friends; nevertheless, the goodlooking trio of damsels were always to be found neat, clean, and




10         THE ADVENTIRES OF MR. VERDANT GOREEN.
presentable; and, as their mother one day proudly remarked,
they were " douce, sonsy bairns, wi' weei-faur'd nebs; and, fot
puir folks, would be weel tochered."  Upon which our hero said
* Indeed I" which, as he had not the slightest idea what the
good woman meant, was, perhaps, the wisest remark that he
could have made.
One of them was generally to he found spinning at her muckle
wheel, retiring and advancing to the music of its cheerful hum
the while her spun thread was rapidly coiled up on the spindle.
The others, as they busied themselves in their household duties,
or brightened up the delf and pewter, and set it out on the shelf
to its best advantage, would join in some plaintive Scotch ballad,
with such good taste and skill that our friends would frequently
love to linger within hearing, though out of sight. But these
artless  ditties
wcompnio. Ad M.        ere sometimes
r'~-':'  ~'l~P"   [[I~llIt]'111:'specially   sung
N ~ ~ ~ ~:                     for them  when
i                              ~~~~~~~~they  paid  the
cottage-room  a
do violence to  Geuvisit, and  sat
around its canopied, projecting
fire-place. For,
was suwit diffiold Andrew w a
a greatsmoker;
and little Mr
Bouncer was exceedingly  fond
CQ  ~~~ ~ii~~                ofwaylayinghim
on his  return
home, and "blowing a cloud" with so loquacious and novel a
companion. And Mr. Verdant Green sometimes joined him in
these visits; on which occasions, as harmony was the order of
the day, he would do his best to further it by singing " Marble Halls," or any other song that his limited repertoire could
boast; while old Andrew would burst into "Tullochgorum," or
do violence to " Get up and bar the door."
It must be confessed, that the conversation at such times
was sustained not-without difficulty. Old Andrew, his wife, and
the major portion of his family, were barely able to understand
the language of their guests, whom they persisted in generalising
as" cannie Soothrons;" while the guests, on their part, could not




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            1
altogether arrive at the meaning of observations that were couched
in the most incomprehensible patois that was ever invented. It
was " neither fish, flesh, nor good red herring," although it was
flavoured with the Northumbrian burr, and mixed with a species
of Scotch; and the historian of these pages would feel almost as
much difficulty in setting down this north-Northumbrian dialect,
as he would do were he to attempt to reduce to words the birdlike chatter of the Bosjesmen.
When, for example, the bewigged Mr. Bouncer-" the laddie
wi' the black pow," as theycalled him-was addressed as "Hinny!
jist come ben, and crook yer hough on the settle, and het yersen
by the chimney-lug," it was as much by action as by word that
he understood an invitation to be seated; though the "wet
yer thrapple wi' a drap o' whuskie, mon!" was easier qf comprehension when accompanied with the presentation of the whiskeyhorn. - In like manner, when Mr. Verdant Green's arrival was
announced by the furious barking of the faithful dogs, the apology
that " the camstary breutesof dougs would not steek their clatterin' gabs," was accepted as an ample explanation, more from
the dogs being quieted than from the lucidity of the remark that
explained their uproar.
There was one class of lady-labourers, peculiar to that part of
the country, who were
called Bondagers,-great          A    \       -
strapping damselsof three    a  
or  four - woman - power, m
whose occupation it was to        iK
draw water, and perform'i
some of the rougher duties
attendant upon agricultu-                                   /
ral pursuits.  The sturdy 
legs of these young ladies 
were equipped in greaves
of leather, which  pro- 
tected them from the cutting attacks of stubble,
thistles, and  all other
lacerating specimens of
botany, and their exuberant figures were clad in        _____
buskins, and  many - coloured. garments,  that
were not long enough to conceal their greaves and clod-hopping




.2          TIlE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
boots.  Altogether, these young women, when engaged at their
ordinary avocations by the side of a spring, formed no unpicturesque subject for the sketcher's pencil, and might have been
advantageously transferred to canvas by many an artist who tra.
vels to greater distances in search of lesser novelties.*
But many peculiar subjects for the pencil might there have
been  found.   One day
when they were all going
to see the  ewe-milking
(which  of itself would
have furnished material
for a host of sketches),
('^^^s   ^^ 1 I  they suddenly came upon
the    following   scene.
Round by the gable of a
cottage  was  seated  a
shock-headed rustic Absalom, and standing over
him  was another rustic,
-who, with a large pair of
shears, was acting as an
amateur Tonson, and was
earnestly engaged in reducing the other's profuse head of hair; an occupation upon
which he busied himself with more zeal than discretion. Of this
little scene Miss Patty Honeywood forthwith made a memorandum.
For Miss Patty possessed the enviable accomplishment of
sketching from nature; and, leaving the beaten track of younglady figure-artists, who usually limit their efforts to chalk-heads
* In north-Northumberland, farm-labourers are usually hired by the
year-from Whitsunday to Whitsunday-and are paid mostly in kind,so many bolls of oats, barley, and peas-so much flax and wheat-the
keep of a cow, and the addition of a few pounds in money. Every hind or
labourer is bound, in return for his house, to provide a woman labourer
to the farmer, for so much a day throughout the year-which is usually
tenpence a day in summer, and eightpence in winter; and as it often happens that he has none of his own family fit for tilt work, he has to hire a
woman, at large wages, to do it. As the demand is greater than the supply
there is tiot always a strict inquiry into the " bondager's " character. As
with the case of hop-pickers-whom these bondagers somewhat resemble
both socially and morally-they are oftentimes the inhabitants of densely
populated towns, who are tempted to live a brief agricultural life, not so
much from the temptation of the wages, as from the desire to pass a sum.
mer-time in the country.




TEE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            18
and crayon smudges, she boldly launched into the more difficult,
but far more pleasing undertaking of delineating the human
form divine from the very life. Mr. Verdant Green found this
sketching from  nature to be so pretty a pastime, that though
unable of himself to produce the feeblest specimen of art, he yet
took the greatest delight in watching the facility with which
Miss Patty's taper fingers transferred to paper the vraisemblance
of a pair of sturdy Bondagers, or the miniature reflection of a
grand landscape. Happily for him, also, by way of an excuse
for bestowing his company upon Miss Patty, he was enabled to
be of some use to her in carrying her sketching-block and box
of moist water-colours, or in bringing to her water from a neighbouring spring, or in sharpening her pencils. On these occasions
Verdant would have preferred their being left to the sole enjoyment of each other's company; but this was not so to be, for they
were always favoured with the attendance of at least a third
person.
But (at last 1) on one happy day, when the bright sunshine was
reflected in Miss Patty Ioneywood's bright-beaming face, Mr.
Verdant Green found himself wandering forth,
"All in the blue, unclouded weather,"
with his heart's idol, and no third person to intrude upon their
duet.   The alleged purport of the walk was, that Miss Patty
might sketch the ruined church of Lasthope, which was about
two miles distant from the Hall. To reach it they had to follow
the course of the Swirl, which ran through the Squire's grounds.
The Swirl was a brawling, picturesque stream; at one place
narrowing into threads of silver between lichen-covered stones and
fragments of rock; at another place flowing on in deep pools" Wimpling, dimpling, staying neverLisping, gurgling, ever going,
Sipping, slipping, ever flowing,
Toying round the polish'd stone;"*
fretting "in rough, shingly shallows wide," and then "bickering
down the sunny day."  On one day, it might, in places, and with
the aid of stepping-stones, be crossed dryshod; and within
twenty-four hours it might be swelled by mountain torrents into
a river wider than the Thames at Richmond.  This sudden
growth of the
"Infant of-the weeping hills,"
was the reason why the high road was carried over the Swirl by
* Thomas Aird.
11




14         THE ADVENTURES 0 MfR. VERDANT tREEN.
a bridge of ten arches-a circumstance which had greatly excitel
little Mr. Bouncer's ideas of the ridiculous when he perceived
the narrow stream scarcely wide enough to wet the sides of one
of the arches of the great bridge that straggled over it, like a
railway viaduct over a canal. But, ere his visit to Honeywood
Hall had come to an end, the little gentleman had more than
once seen.the Swirl swollen to its fullest dimensions, and been
enabled to recognise the use of the bridge, and the full force of
the local expression —" the waeter is grit."
As Verdant and Miss Patty made their way along the bank
of this most changeable stream, they came upon Mr. Charles
Larkyns knee-deep in it, equipped in his wading-boots and fishing dress, and industriously whipping the water for trout.  The
Swirl was a famous trout-stream, and Mr. Honeywood's coachman was a noted fisherman, and was accustomed to pass many
of his nights fishing the stream with a white moth. It appeared
that the finny inhabitants of the Swirl were as fond of whitebait
as are Cabinet Ministers and London aldermen; for the coachman's deeds of darkness invariably resulted in the production of
a fine dish of freshly-caught trout for the breakfast-table.
" It must be hard work," said Verdant to his friend, as they
stopped awhile to watch him; " it must be hard work to make
your way against the stream, and to clamber in and out among
the rocks and stones."
"Not at all hard work," was
Charles Larkyns's  reply, "but
play.  Play, too, in more senses
\  than one. See! I have just struck
-               X' \^+  ^a fish.  Watch, while I play him.'The play's the thing!'  Wait.i   awhile and you'll see me land him,
or I'm much mistaken.": l/ So they waited awhile and
1-ll     watched this fisherman at play,
7$<         _ _           until he had triumphantly landed
his fish, and then they pursued. —-~_:~_:....-~-~~  their way.
-~ ~ ~'. -~  Miss Patty had great conversa.
Y-,   tional abilities and immense power
---  of small talk, so that Verdant felt
quite at ease in her society, and
found his natural timidity anl quiet bashfulness to be greatly
diminished, even if they were not altogether put on one side,
They were always such capital friends, and Miss Patty was so




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,           IS
kind and thoughtful in making Verdant appear to the best
advantage, and in looking over any little gaucheries to which his
bashfulness might give birth, that it is:not to be wondered at if
the young gentleman should feel great delight in her society,
and should seek for it at every opportunity.  In fact, Miss Patty
Honeywood was beginning to be quite necessary to Mr. Verdant
Green's happy existence.  It may be that the young lady waf
not altogether ignorant of this, but was enabled to read the
young man's state of mind, and to judge pretty accurately of his
inward feelings, from those minute details of outward evidence
which womankind are so quick to mark, and so skilful in tracing
to their true source. It may be, also, that the young lady did
not choose either to check these feelings or to alter this state of
mind-which she certainly ought to have done if she was solicitous for.her companion's happiness, and was unable to increase
it in the way that he wished.
But, at any rate, with mutual satisfaction for the present, they
strolled together along; the Swirl's rocky banks, and passing into
a large enclosure, they advanced midway through the fields to a
spot which seemed a suitable one for Miss Patty's purpose.
The brawling stream  made a good foreground for the picture,
which, on the one side, was shut in by a steep hill rising precipitously from the water's rough bed, and on the other side opened
out into a mountainous landscape, having in the near view the
ruined church of Lasthope, with the still more ruinous minister's
house, a fir plan-    _        _ 
tation, and a rude  _ —-:          A 
bridge; wtith a 
middle distance.  - "~   -,      ~  ~_-,
of- bold, sheepdotted hills; and'
for   a   back-.
ground the"sosrvbacked" Cheviot -'
itself.'
Miss Pattyhad 
made heroutline  m'-'  P,. -
of  this scene,         g
and wus preparingto wash it in,.~'\  "::K.k- 
companion came up from the streIm  with a little tin can of
water, he saw, to his equal:error and amazement, a huge
bull of the most uninviting aspect stealthily approaching the




16         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
seated figure of the unconscious young lady.  Mr. Verdant
Green looked hastily around and at once perceived the danger
that menaced his fair friend. It was evident that the bull had
come up from the further end of the large enclosure, the while
they had been too occupied to observe his stealthy approach.
No one was in sight save Charles Larkyns, who was too far
off to be of any use. The nearest gate was about a hundred
and fifty yards distant; and the bull was so placed that he
could overtake them  before they would be able to reach it.
Overtake them! —yes! But suppose they separated? then, as
the brute could not go two ways at once, there would be a chance
for one of them to get through the gate in safety. Love, which
induces people to take extraordinary steps, prompted Mr. Verdant Green to jump at a conclusion. He determined, with less
display but more sincerity than melodramatic heroes, to save
Miss.Patty, or " perish in the attempt."
She was seated on the rising bank altogether ignorant of the
presence of danger; and, as Verdant returned to her with the
tin can of water, she received him with a happy smile, and a gush
of pleasant small talk, which our hero immediately repressed by
saying, " Don't be frightened-there is no danger-but there is
a bull coming towards us. Walk quietly to that gate, and keep
your face towards him as much as possible, and don't let him
see that you are afraid of him. I will take off his attention till
you are safe at the gate, and then I can wade through the stream
and get out of his reach."
Miss Patty had at once sprung to her feet, and her smile had
changed to a terrified expression.' Oh, but he will hurt you!"
she cried; " do come with me. It is papa's bull Roarer; he is
very savage. I can't think what brings him here-he is generally up at the bailiff's.  Pray do come; I can take care of myself."
Miss Patty in her agitation and anxiety had taken hold of Mr.
Verdant Green's hand; but, although the young gentleman would
at any other time have very willingly allowed her to retain possession of it, on the present occasion he disengaged it from her
clasp, and said, " Pray don't lose time, or it will be too late for
both of us. I assure you that I can easily take care of myself.
Now do go, pray; quietly, but quickly."  So Miss Patty, with
an earnest, searching gaze into her companion's face, did as he
bade her, and retreated with her face to the foe.
In a few seconds, however, the object of her movement had
dawned upon Mr. Roarer's dull understanding, upon which disoovery he set up a bellow of fury, and stamped the ground in




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.         1I
very undignified wrath.  But, more than this, like a skilful
general who has satisfactorily worked out the forty-seventh pro.
position of the First Book of Euclid, and knows therefrom that
the square of the hypothenuse equals both that of the base and
perpendicular, he unconsciously commenced the solution of the
problem, by making a galloping charge in the direction of the gate
to which Miss Patty was hastening.  Thereupon, Mr. Verdant
Green, perceiving the young lady's peril, deliberately ran towards
Mr. Roarer, shouting and brandishing the sketch-book. Mr. Roarer
paused in wonder and perplexity.  Mr. Verdant Green shouted
and advanced; Miss Patty steadily retreated.  After a few
moments of indecision Mr. Roarer abandoned his design of pursuing the petticoats, and resolved that the gentleman should be
his first victim. Accordingly he sounded his trumpet for the
conflict, gave another roar and a stamp, and then ran towards Mr.
Verdant Green, who, having picked up a large stone, threw it
dexterously into Mr. Roarer's face, which brought that broadchested gentleman to a stand-still of astonishment and a'search
for the missile.  Of this Mr. Verdant Green took advantage,
and made a Parthian retreat.  Glancing towards Miss Patty he
saw that she was within thirty yards of the gate, and in a minute
or two would be in safety-saved through his means!
A bellow from Mr. Roarer's powerful lungs prevented him for the
present from pursuing this delightful theme. In another moment
the bull charged, and Mr. Verdant Green-braced up, as it were,
io energetic proceedings by the screams with which Miss Patty
had now begun to shrilly echo Mr. Roarer's deep-mouthed bellowings-waited for his approach, and then, as the bull rushed
on him-like a massive rock hurled forward by an avalanchehe leaped aside, nimble as a doubling hare. As he did so, he
threw down his wide-awake, which the irate Mr. Roarer forthwith fell upon, and tossed, and tossed, and tore into shreds. By
this time, Verdant had reached the bank of the Swirl; but before
he could proceed further, the bull was upon him again. Verdant
was prepared for this, and had taken off his coat. As the bull
dashed heavily towards him, with head bent wickedly to the
ground, Verdant again doubled, and, with the dexterity of a
matador, threw his coat upon the horns.  Blinded by this, Mr.
Roarer's headlong career was temporarily checked; and it was 
three minutes before he had torn to shreds the imaginary body
of his enemy; but this three minutes' pause was of very great
importance, and in all probability prevented the memoirs of Mr,
Verdant Green from coming to an untimely end at tLis portion
of the narrative.




18        TTHE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
Miss Patty's continued screams had been signals of distress
that had not only brought up Charles Larkyns, but four labourers
also, who were working in a field within ear-shot.  This corps
de reserve ran up to the spot with all speed, shouting as they did
so. in order to distract Mr. Roarer's attention. By this time
Mr. Verdant Green had waded into the water, and was making
the best of his way across the Swirl, in order that he might reach
the precipitous hill to the right; up this he could scramble and
bid defiance to Mr. Roarer.  But there is many a slip'tween
cup and lip.  Poor Verdant chanced to make a stepping-stone
of a treacherous boulder, and fell headlong into the water; and
ere he could regain his feet, the bull had plunged with a bellow
into. the stream, and was within a yardof his prostrate form,
whelnWhen you may imagine Mr. Verdant Green's delight and
Miss Patty Honeywood's thankfulness at seeing one of the
labourers run into the stream, and strike the bull a heavy stroke,
with a sharp hoe, the pain of which wound caused Mr. Roarer to
suddenly wheel round and engage with his new adversary, w]o
followed up his advantage, and cut into his enemy with might and
main. Then Charles Larkyns and the other three labourers
came up, and the bull was prevented from doing an injury to any
one until a farm-servant had arrived upon the scene with a strong
halter, when Mr. Roarer, somewhat spent with wrath, and suffering
from considerable depression of animal spirits, was conducted to
the obscure retirement and littered ease of the bull-house.
This little adventure has been recorded here. inasmuch as from
it was forged,. by the hand of Cupid, a golden link in our hero's
chain of fate; for to this occurrence Miss Patty attached no
slight importance.  She exalted Mr. Verdant Green's conduct
on this occasion into an act of heroism worthy to be ranked with
far more notable deeds of valour.  She looked upon him  as a
Bayard who had chivalrously risked his life in the cause oflove, was it? or only of-a lady. Her gratitude, she considered,
ought to he very great to one who had, at so great a venture,
preserved her from so horrible a death.  For that she would
have been dreadfully. gored, and would have lost her life, if she
had not been rescued by Mr. Verdant Green, Miss Patty had
most fully  and unalterably decided-which, certainly, might
have been the case.
At any rate, our hero had no reason to regret that portion of
lii life's drama in which Mr. Roarer had made his appearance.




BHR ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            19
CHAPTER III
MW  TEaRDANT GREEN STUDIES YI MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF PY
NATYVES.
-^1c(   1 1  ^lfe^ ^Add li  ^ A ISS Patty Honeywood was
- not only distinguished for' I.  v f  unlimited powers of conII, iversation, but was also
I:II "flig                 r equally famous for her
equestrian abilities. She
11~^^/^ ~"\li^  ^  "/l^   and her sister were the
first horsewomen in that
country with the foremost
co..templatin.flight, for they had pluck
enough   for  anything.
They had such light hands and good seats, and in every respect
rode so well, that, as a matter of course, they looked wellnever better, perhaps, than-whten on horseback.  Their bright,
happy faces-which were far more beautiful in their piquant
irregularities of feature, and gave one far more pleasure in the
contemplation than if they had been moulded in the coldly
chiselled forms of classic beauty —appeared with no diminution
of charms, when set off by their pretty felt riding-hats; and
their full, firm, and well-rounded figures were seen to the greatest
advantage when clad in the graceful dress that passes by the name
of a riding-habit.
Every morning, after breakfast, the two young ladies were
accustomed to visit the stables, where they had interviews with
their respective steeds-steeds and mistresses appearing to be
equally gratified thereby.  It is perhaps needless to state that
during Mr. Verdant Green's sojourn at Honeywood Hall, Miss
Patty's stable calls were generally made in his company.
Such rides as they took in those happy days-wild, pic-nic sort




20        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN
of rides, over country equally as wild and removed from formality
— rides by duets and rides in duodecimos; sometimes a soli.
tary couple or two; sometimes a round dozen of them, scampering and racing over hill and heather, with startled grouse and
black-cock skirring up from under the very hoofs of the equally
startled horses; —rides by tumbling streams, like the Swirlsplashing through them, with pulled-up or draggled habitsthen cantering on " over bank, bush, and scaur," like so many
fair Ellens and young Lochinvars-clambering up very precipices, and creeping down break-neck hills-laughing and talking,
and singing, and whistling, and even (so far as Mr. Bouncer was
concerned) blowing cows' horns! What vagabond, rollicking
rides were those! What a healthy contrast to the necessarily
formal, groom-attended canter on Society's Rotten Row 
A  legion of dogs accompanied them  on these occasions; a
miscellaneous pack composed of Masters Huz and Buz (in great
spirits at finding themselves in such capital quarters), a black
Newfoundland (answering t the name of " Nigger"), a couple of
Setters (with titles from  the heathen mythology-" Juno " and
Flora"'), a. ridiculous-looking, bandy-legged otter-hound (called
"Gripper"), a wiry, rat-catching terrier (" Nipper"), and two
silky-haired, long-backed, short-legged, sharp-nosed, bright-eyed,
pepper-and-salt Skye-terriers, who respectively answered to the
names of " Whisky" and " Toddy," and were the property of
the Misses Honeywood.  The lordly shepherds' dogs, whom they
encountered on their journeys, would have nothing to do with
-tC   Al




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            21
msch,a medley of unruly scamps, but turned from their overtures
of friendship with patrician'disdain.  They routed up rabbits;
they turned out hedgehogs; and, at their approach, they made
the game fly with a WHIR-R-R-R-R —r  arranged as a diminuendo.
These free-and-easy equestrian expeditions were not only
agreeable to Mr. Verdant Green's feelings, but they were also
useful to him as so many lessons of horsemanship, and so greatly
advauced him in the practice of that noble science, that the
admiring Squire one day said to him —" I'll tell you what, Verdant! before we've done with you, we shall make you ride like
a Shafto!" At which high eulogium Mr. Verdant Qreen blushed,
and made an inward resolution that, as soon as he had returned
home, he would subscribe to the Warwickshire hounds, and
make his appearance in the field.
On Sundays the Honeywood party usually rode and drove to
the church of a small market-town, some seven or eight miles
distant.   If it was a wet day, they walked to the ruined church
of Lasthope-.the place Miss Patty was sketching when disturbed
by Mr. Roarer.  Lasthope was in lay hands; and its lay rector,
who lived far away, had so little care for the edifice, or the
proper conduct of divine service, that he allowed the one to coep
tinule in its ruins, and suffered the other to be got through any
11*




S2         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
how or not at all-just as it happened. Clergymen were engaged
to perform the service (there was but one each day) at the lowest
price of the clerical market. Occasionally it was announced, in
the vernacular of the district, that there would be no church,
because the priest had gone for the sea-bathing," or because
the waters were out, and the priest could not get across. As a
matter of course, in consequence of the uncertainty of finding
any one to perform the service when they had got to church, and
of the slovenly way in which the service was scrambled through
when they had got a clergyman there, the congregation generally
preferred attending the large Presbyterian meeting-house, which
was about two miles from Lasthope. Here, at any rate, they met
with the reverse of coldness in the conduct of the service.
Mr. Verdant Green and his male friends strayed there one
Sunday for curiosity's sake, and found a minister of indefatigable eloqnence and enviable power of lungs, who had arrived at
such a pitch of heat, from the combined effects of the weather
and his own exertions, that in the very middle of his discourseand literally in the heat of it-he paused to divest himself of his
gown, heavily braided with serge and velvet, and, hanging it over
the side of the pulpit (" the pilput," his congregation called it),
mopped his head with his handkerchief, and then pursued his
theme like a giant refreshed. At this stage in the proceedings,
little Mr. Bouncer became in'a high state of pleasurable excitement, from the expectation that the minister would next divest
himself of his coat, and would struggle through the rest of his
argument in his shirt-sleeves; but Mr. Bouncer's improper
wishes were not gratified.
The sermon was so extremely metaphorical, was founded on
such abstruse passages, and was delivered in so broad a dialect,
that it was caviare to Mr. Verdant Green and his friends; but
it seemed to be far otherwise with the attentive and crowded
congregation, who relieved their minister at intervals by loud
bursts of singing, that were impressive from  their fervency
though not particularly harmonious to a delicately-musical ear.
Near to the close of the service there was a collection, which induced Mr. Bouncer to whisper to Verdant-as an axiom deduced
from  his long experience-that " you never come to a strange
place, but what you are sure to drop in for a collection;" but,
on finding that it was a weekly offering, and that no one was
expected to give more than a copper, the little gentleman relented, and cheerfully dropped a piece of silver into the wooden
box.  It was astonishing to see the throngs of people, that, in




TEE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            8
*o thinly inhabited a district, could be assembled at this meeting.
house.  Though it seemed almost incredible to our midland.
county friends, yet not a few of these poor, simple, earnestminded people would walk from  a distance of fifteen miles,
starting at an early hour, coming by easy stages, and bringing
with them their dinner, so as to enable them to stay for the
afternoon service. On the Sunday mornings the red cloaks and
grey plaids of these pious men and women might be seen dotting
the green hillsides, and slowly moving towards the gaunt and
grim red brick meeting-house. And around it, on great occasions, were tents pitched for the between-service accommodation
of the worshippers.
Both they and it contrasted, in every way, with the ruined
church of Lasthope, whose worship seemed also to have gone to
ruin with the uncared-for edifice. Its aisles had tumbled down,
and their material had been rudely built up within the arches of
the nave.  The church was thus converted into the non-ecclesiastical form of a parallelogram, and was fitted up with thfe very
rudest and ugliest of deal enclosures, which were dignified with
the name of pews, but ought to have been termed pens.
During the time of Mr. Verdant Green's visit, the service at
this ecclesiastical ruin was performed by a clergyman who had
apparently been selected for the duty from his harmonious resemblance to the place; for he also was an ecclesiastical ruin-a
schoolmaster in holy orders, who, having to slave hard all through
the working-days of the week, had to work still harder on the
day of rest. For, first, the Ruin had to ride his stumbling old
pony a distance of twelve miles (and twelve such miles!) to Lasthope, where he stabled it (bringing the feed of corn in his pocket,
and leading it to drink at the Swirl) in the dilapidated stable of
the tumbled-down rectory-house. Then he had to get through the
morning service without any loss of time, to enable him to ride
eight miles in another direction (eating his sandwich dinner as
he went along), where he had to take the afternoon duty and
occasional services at a second church. When this was done, he
might find his way home as well as he could, and enjoy with his
family as much of the day of rest as he had leisure and strength
for. The stipend that the Ruin received for his labours was
greatly below the wages given to a butler by the lay rector, who
pocketed a very nice income by this respectable transaction.
But the Butler was a stately edifice in perfect repair, both out.
side and in, so far as clothes and food went; and the Parson
was an ill-conditioned Ruin left to moulder away in an obscure




24         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
situation, without even the ivy of luxuriance to make him graceful
and picturesque.
Mr. Honeywood's family were the only " respectable" persons
who occasionally attended the Ruin's ministrations in Lasthope
church.  The other people who made up the scanty congregation
were old Andrew Graham  and his children, and a few of the
poorer sort of Honeybourn.  They all brought their dogs with
them as a matter of course. On entering the church the men
hung up their bonnets on a row of pegs provided for that purpose, and fixed, as an ecclesiastical ornament, along the western
wall of the church. They then took their places in their pens,
accompanied by their dogs, who usually behaved with remarkable
propriety, and; during the sermon, set their masters an example
of watchfulness.  On one occasion the proceedings were interrupted by a rat hunt; the dogs gave tongue, and leaped the
pews in the excitement of the chase-their masters followed
them  and laid about them  with their sticks-and when with
difficulty order had been restored, the service was proceeded
with. It must be confessed that Mr. Bouncer was so badly disposed as to wish for a repetition of this scene; but (happily) he
was disappointed.
The choir of Lasthope Church was centred in the person of
the clerk, who apparently sang tunes of his own composing, in
which the congregation joined at their discretion, though usually
to different airs. The result was a discordant struggle, through
which the clerk bravely maintained his own until he had exhausted himself, when he shut up his book and sat down, and
the congregation had to shut up also. During the singing the
intelligence of the dogs was displayed in their giving a stifled
utterance to howls of anguish, which were repeated ad libitum
throughout the hymn; but as this was a customary proceeding
it attracted no attention, unless a dog expressed his sufferings
more loudly than was wont, when he received a clout from his
master's staff that silenced him, and sent him under the pewseat, as to a species of ecclesiastical St. Helena.
Such was Lasthope Church, its Ruin, and its service; and, as
may be imagined from these notes which the veracious historian
has thought fit to chronicle, Mr. Verdant Green found that his
Sundays in Northumberland produced as much novelty as tlie
week-day.v




HBE ADVENTUBES OF MB. VEBBANT GILEIL,
CHAPTER IV.
MB. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO SAY SNIP TO SOME ONE'
SNAP.
THERE was a gate in the kitchen-garden of Honeywood Hall
that led into an orchard; and in this orchard there was a certain
apple-tree that had assumed one of those peculiarities of form to
which the children of Pomona are addicted. After growing
upright for about a foot and a half, it had suddenly shot out at
right angles, with a gentle upward slope for a length of between
three and four feet, and had then again struck up into the perpendicular. It thus formed a natural orchard seat, capable of
holding two persons comfortably-provided that they regarded a
close proximity as comfortable sitting.' One day Miss Patty directed Verdant's attention to this vagary
of nature.  " This is one of my favourite haunts," she said.
"I often steal here on a hot day with some work or a book. You
see this upper branch makes quite a little table, and I can rest
my book upon it.  It is so pleasant to be under the shade here,
with the fruit or blossoms over one's head; and it is so snug and
retired, and out of the way of every one."
" It is very snug-and very retired," said Mr. Verdant Green;
and he thought that now would be the very time to put in execution a project that had for some days past been haunting his brain.
" When Kitty and I," said Miss Patty, "have any secrets we
come here and tell them to each other while we sit at our work.
No one can hear what we say; and we are quite snug all to ourselves."
Very odd, thought Verdant, that they should fix on this particular spot for confidential communications, and take the trouble
to come here to make them, when they could do so in their own
rooms at the house. And yet it isn't such a bad spot either.
"' Try how comfortable a seat it is!" said Miss Patty.
Mr. Verdant Green began to feel hot.  He sat down, however,
and tested the comforts of the seat. much in the same way as he
would try the spring of a lounging chair, and apparently with 8
like result, for he said, " Yes, it is very comfortable-very cow
fortable indeed."




26         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,' I thought you'd like it," said Miss Patty; " and you see
how nicely the branches droop all round: they make it quite an
arbour. If Kitty had been here with me I think you would have
had some trouble to have found us."
"' I think I should; it is quite a place to hide in," said Ver.
dant. But the young lady and gentleman must have been speak.
ing with the spirit of ostriches, and have imagined that, when
they had hidden their heads, they had altogether concealed themselves from observation; for the branches of the apple-tree only
drooped low enough to conceal the upper part of their figures,
and left the rest exposed to view.  " Won't you sit down, also?"
asked Verdant, with a gasp and a sensation in his head as
though he had been drinking champagne too freely.
" I'm afraid there's scarcely room for me," pleaded Miss Patty.
" Oh yes, there is, indeed! pray sit down."
So she sat down on the lower part of the trunk. Mr. Verdant
Green glanced rapidly round and perceived that they were quite
alone, and partly shrouded from  view.  The following highly
interesting conversation then took place.
He. "Won't you change places with me? you'll slip off."
She. " No-I think I can manage."
He. " But you can come closer."
She. "Thanks."  (She comes closer.)
He. " Isn't that more comfortable?"
She. " Yes-very much."
He. (Very hot, and not knowing what to say )-" I-I think
you'll slip!"
She. " Oh no! it's very comfortable indeed."
(That is to say-thinks Mr. Verdant Green-that sitting BY
ME is very comfortable.  Hurrah!)
She. " It's very hot, don't you think?"
He. "How very odd! I was just thinking the same."
She. " I think I shall take my hat off-it is so warm.  Dear
me! how stupid! —the strings are in a knot."
He. " Let me see if I can untie them for you."
She. " Thanks! no! I can manage."  (But she cannot.)
He. "You'd better let me try! now do!"
She. "Oh, thanks! but I'm sorry you should have the trouble."
He. " No trouble at all. Quite a pleasure."
(In a very hot condition of mind and fingers, Mr. Verdant
Green then endeavoured to release the strings from their entanglement. But all in vain: he tugged, and pulled, and only
made matters worse.  Once or twice in the struggle his hands




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            at
touched Miss Patty's chin; and no highly-chargec. electrical
machine could have imparted a shock greater than that tingling
sensation of pleasure which Mr. Verdant Green experienced
when his fingers, for the fraction of a second, touched Miss
Patty's soft dimpled chin. Then there was her beautiful neck,
so white, and with such blue veins! he had an irresistible desire
to stroke it for its very smoothness-as one loves to feel the
polish of marble, or the glaze of wedding-cards-instead of employing his hands in fumbling at the brown ribands, whose knots
became more complicated than ever.  Then there was her happy
rosy face, so close to which his own was brought; and her bright,
laughing, hazel eyes, in which, as he timidly looked up, he saw
little daguerreotypes of himself.  Would that he could retain
such a photographer by his side through life I Miss Bouncer's
camera was as nothing compared with the camera lucida of those
clear eyes, that shone upon him so truthfully, and mirrored for
him such pretty pictures.  And what with these eyes, and the
face, and the chin, and the neck, Mr. Verdant Green was brought
into such an irretrievable state of mental excitement that he
was perfectly unable to render Miss Patty the service he had
proffered.   But, more than that, he as yet. lacked sufficient
courage to carry out his darling project.
At length Miss Patty herself untied the rebellious knot, and
took off her hat. The highly interesting conversation was then
resumed.
She. " What a frightful state my hair is in!" (Loops up an
escaped lock.) " You must think me so untidy.  But out in the
country, and in a place like this where no one sees us, it makes
one careless of appearance."
He. " Ilike' a sweet neglect,' especially in-in some people;
it suits them so well.  I-'pon my word, it's very hot!"
She. " But how much hotter it must be from under the shade.
It is so pleasant here.  It seems so dreamlike to sit among the
shadows and look out upon the bright landscape."
He.  I t is-very jollyv-soothing, at least!" (A pause.) "I think
you'll slip.  Do you know, I think it will be safer if you will
let me" (here his courage fails him. He endeavours to say put my
arm  round your waist, but his tongue refuses to speak the words;
so he substitutes) "' change places with you."
She. (Rises, with a look of amused vexation.) " Certainly! if you
so particularly wish it." (They change places.) *" Now, you see, you
have lost by the change. You are too tall for that end of the seat,
and it did very nicely for a little body like me."




28        THE ADVENTURES EO MR. VERDANT GREEN
He. (With a thrill of'delight and a sudden burst of strategy.)
"' I can hold on to this branch, if my arm will not inconvenieuce
you."
She. " Oh no! not particularly: " (he passes his right arm be.
hind her, and takes hold of a bough:) "but I should think it's not
very comfortable for you."
He. " I couldn't be more comfortable, I'm sure."  (Nearly
slips off the tree, and doubles up his legs into an unpicturesque
attitude highly suggestive of misery.-A pause.)  "And do you
tell your secrets here?"
She. " My secrets? Oh, I see-you mean, with Kitty. Oh, yes!
<Xr t< -    iif this tree could
". -    He. "I won.
der if it could
tell any dreadful'
tnstories of-me?"
He.  s we s "  She. "Of you?' >   Oh, no!  Why
e bn p  t b d  b y       should it?  We
6;~~i ~ ~        are only severe
on those we disHe.' Then
you don't dislike
She. "No!
why should we?"
la~v~I don't hnow-.~...~-~,4~__-~ ~''~~  -~but I thoughtyou
~-~~-~.....v.1  ~,~-      might. Well, I'm
glad of that —
I'm very glad of that.'PTon my word, it's very hot! don't you
think so?"
She. " Yes! I'm burning.  But I don't think we should find
a cooler place." (Does not evince any symptoms of moving.)
He. "Well, p'raps we shouldn't." (A pause.) "Do you know
that I'm very glad you don't dislike me; because, it wouldn't
have been pleasant to be disliked by you, would it?"
She. " Well-of course, I can't tell. It depends upon one's
own feelings."




THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN.          SO
He. "Then you don't dislike me?"
She. "Oh dear, no! why should I?"
He. "And if you don't dislike me, you must like me?*
She. "Yes-at least-yes, I suppose so."
At this stage of the proceedings, the arm that Mr. Verdant
Green had passed behind Miss Patty thrilled with such a peculiar sensation that his hand slipped down the bough, and the
arm  consequently came against Miss Patty's waist, where it
rested.  The necessity for saying something, the wish to make
that something the something that was bursting his heart and
brain, and the dread of letting it escape his lips-these three
varied and mingled sensations so distracted poor Mr. Verdant
Green's mind, that he was no more conscious of what he was
giving utterance to than if he had been talking in a dream. But
there was Miss Patty by his side-a very tangible and delightful
reality-playing (somewhat nervously) with  those rebellious
strings of her hat, which loosely hung in her hand, while the
dappled shadows flickered on the'waving masses of her rich
brown hair,-so something must be said; and, if it should lead
to the something, why, so much the better.
Returning, therefore, to the subject of like and dislike, Mr.
Verdant Green managed to say, in a choking, faltering tone, " I
wonder how much you like me-very much?"
She. " Oh, I couldn't tell-how should I? What strange questions you ask! You saved my life; so, of course, I am very, very
grateful; and I hope I shall always be your friend."
He. " Yes, I hope so indeed-always-and something more.
Do you hope the same?"
She. "What do you mean?  Hadn't we better go back to the
house?"
He.  "Not just yet-it's so cool here-at least, not cool
exactly, but hot-pleasanter, that is-much pleasanter here.
You said so, you know, a little while since.  Don't mind me; I
always feel hot when-when I'm out of doors."
She. "Then we'd better go indoors."
He. "Pray don't-not yet-do stop a little longer."
And the hand that had been on the bough of the tree, timidly
seized Miss Patty's arm, and then naturally, but very gently,
fell upon her waist. A thrill shot through Mr. Verdant Green,
like an electric flash, and, after traversing from his head to his
heels, probably passed out safely at his boots-for it did him no
harm, but, on the contrary, made him feel all the better.
But," said the young lady, as she felt the hand upon her
waist-not that she was really displeased at the proceeding, but




80         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREBN.
perhaps she thought it best, under the circumstances, to say
something that should have the resemblance of a veto-" but
it is not necessary to hold me a prisoner.'
"It's you that hold me a prisoner!" said Mr. Verdant Green,
with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and blushes, and a great stress
upon the pronouns.
" Now you are talking nonsense, and, if so, I must go!" said
Miss Patty.  And she also blushed; perhaps it was from the
heat. But she removed Mr. Verdant Green's hand from  her
waist, and he was much too frightened to replace it.
"Oh! do. stay a little!" gasped the young gentleman, with an
awkward sensation of want of employment for his hands.  "You
said that secrets were told here. I don't want to talk nonsense;
I don't indeed; but the truth. I've a secret to tell you. Should
you like to hear it?"
"Oh yes!" laughed Miss Patty.  "I like to hear secrets."
Now, how very absurd it was in M3r. Verdant Green wasting
time in beating about the bush in this ridiculously timid way!
Why could he not at once boldly secure his bird by a straightforward shot? She did not fly out of his range-did she? And
yet, here he was making himself unnecessarily hot and uncomfortable, when he might, by taking it coolly, have been at his ease
in a moment. What a foolish young man! Nay, he still further lost time and evaded his purpose, by saying once again
to Miss Patty-instead of immediately replying to her observation-"'Pon my word, it's uncommonly hot! don't you think
O?"
Upon which Miss Patty replied, with some little chagrin,
"And was that your secret?' If she had lived in the Elizabethan
era she could have adjured him  with a "Marry, come up!"
which would have brought him to the point without any further
trouble; but living in a Victorian age, she could do no more
than say what she did, and leave the rest of her meaning to the
language of the eyes.
"Don't laugh at me!" urged the bashful and weak.minded
young man; "don't laugh at me!  If you only knew what I
feel when you laugh at me, you'd" "
" Cry, I dare say!" said Miss Patty, cutting him short with a
merry smile, and (it must be confessed) a most wickedly-roguish
expression about those bright flashing hazel eyes of hers. " Now,
you haven't told me this wonderful secret!"
"Why," said Mr. Verdant Green, slowly and deliberatelyfeeling that his time was coming on, and cowardly anxious still




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN           81
to fight off the fatal words-" yoJ said that you didn't dislike
me; and, in fact, that you liked me very much; and" —
But here Miss Patty cut him short again.  She turned sharply
round upon him, with those bright eyes and that merry face, and
said, "Oh! how can you say so?  I never said anything of the
sort!"
"Well," said Mr. Verdant Green, who was now desperate,
and mentally prepared to take the dreaded plunge into that
throbbing sea that beats upon the strand of matrimony, " whether
you like me very
mudi or not, I       "        -R
like  you  very            --
much  -  verybendin
down uch indeed, and was gazing intently on another knot that she
ver since I sawat-strings and she 
you, sinc       e lastn            e  f t   san o 
Christmas, I've'
-I've liked you
m-very much in-,with hi
deed." 
Mr. Verdanteen had
Green in a verage to the sticking point
hot and excited        
state, had, while 
he was speaking,   jJ
titnidly brought zhis hand  onHe had got ceto the very edge of the
more  to aMiss'on the point of ju
Patty's  waist:],
and she did not 
interfere with its.                                  iposition. In fact,   ~   ~..       ~-,  *"'l:"
she was bending'.*~., ~',,
down her head, and was gazing intently on another knot that she
had wilfully made in her hat-strings; and she was working so
violently at that occupation of untying the knot, that very pro.
bably she might not have been aware of the situation of Mr.
Verdant Green's hand. At any rate, her own hands were toe
much busied to suffer her to interfere with his.
At last the climax had arrived. Mr. Verdant Green had
screwed his courage to the sticking point, and had resolved tc
tell the secret of his love. He had got to the very edge of the
precipice, and was on the point of jumping over head andears




82         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
into the stream of his destiny, and of bursting into any excited
form of words that should make known his affection and his designs, when -when a vile perfume of tobacco, a sudden barking rush of Huz and Buz, and the horrid voice of little Mr
Bouncer, dispelled the bright vision, dispersed his ideas, and prevented the fulfilment of his purpose.
" Holloer, Giglamps!" roared the little gentleman, as he re.
mnoved a short pipe from his mouth, and expelled an ascending
cur3 of smoke; " Fve been looking for you everywhere! Here
we are,-as Hamlet's uncle said,-all in the horchard! I hope
he's not been pouring poison in your ear, Miss Honeywood, he
looks rather guilty. The Mum-I mean your mother-sent me
to find you. The luncheon's been on the table more than an
hour!"
Luckily for Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honeywood,
little Mr. Bouncer rattled on without waiting for any reply to
his observations, and thus enabled the young lady to somewhat
recover her presence of mind, and to effect a hasty retreat from
under the apple tree, and through the garden gate.
"I say, old feller," said Mr. Bouncer, as he criticised Mr.
Verdant Green's countenance over the bowl of his pipe, "you
look rather in a stew! What's up?  My gum!" cried the little
gentleman, as an idea of the truth suddenly flashed upon him;
"you don't mean to say you've been doing the spooney-what
you call making love-have you?"
" Oh!" groaned the person addressed, as he followed out the
train of his own ideas; " if you had but have come five minutes
later-or not at all! It's most provoking!"
"Well! you're a grateful bird, I don't think!" said Mr.
Bouncer. "Cut after her into luncheon, and have it out over
the cold mutton and pickles!"
"Oh no!" responded the luckless lover; "I can't eat-especially before the others! I mean-I couldn't talk to her before
the others.  Oh! I don't know what I'm saying."
"Well, I don't think you do, old feller!" said Mr. Bouncer,
puffing away at his pipe.'' I'm sorry I was in the road, though 
because, though I fight shy of those sort of things myself, yet I
don't want to interfere with the little weaknesses of other folks.
But come and have a pipe, old feller, and we'll talk matters over,
and see what pips are on the cards, and what's the state of the
game."
Now, a pipe was Mr. Bouncer's panacea for every kind of in,
disposition, both mental and bodily.




THE ADVENIURES OF M,. VERDANT GBEI.f         8
CHAPTER V.
MB& VERDANT GREEN MEETS WITH THE GREEN-EYED MONSTEB,
~~,A,:.'         Id i  ENTION  had frequeitly... 1  I   | been made by the mem7^^^^/                7J~ ~ ~     bers of the Honeywood'. ~' "' ~   family, but more especially by Miss Patty, of a
^lI,\m<l':i/'-\lljT.. L cousin-a male cousinIq mI! ll TI        T /.  ~  to whom they all seemed,r/-XI A,/ 1Hr:~-~ } L"  to be exceedingly partial
l   i(~ I,\ i / --  -far more partial, as Mr.'J  3       l    ^f _>^~t  Verdant Green thought,
\JS-~f            ^,   with regard to Miss Patty,
than  he  would  have
wished her to have been. This cousin was Mr. Frank Delaval, a
son of their father's sister. According to their description, he
possessed good looks, and an equivalently good fortune, with all
sorts of accomplishments, both useful and ornamental; and was,
in short (in their eyes at-least), a very admirable Crichton of the
nineteenth century.
Mr. Verdant Green had heard from Miss Patty so much of
her cousin Frank, and of the pleasure they were anticipating from
a visit he had promised shortly to make to them, that he had at
length begun to suspect that the young lady's maiden meditations
were not altogether "fancy free," and that her thoughts dwelt
upon this handsome cousin far more than was palatable to Mr.
Verdant Green's feelings. In the most unreasonable manner,
therefore, he conceived a violent antipathy to Mr. Frank Delaval,
even betore he had set eyes upon him, and considered that the
Honeywood family had, one and all, greatly overrated him.  But
these suppositions and suspicions made him doubly anxious to
come to an understanding with Miss Patty before the arrival of
the dreaded Adonis and it was this thought that had helped to
nerve him through the terrors of the orchard scene, and which,
but for Mr. Bouncer's malapropos intrusion, would have brought
things to a crisis.
However, after he had had a talk with Mr. Bouncer, and had




4     HE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT OREEN.
been fortified by that little gentleman's pithy admonitions to "go
in and win," and to " strike while the iron's hot," and that " faint
heart never won a nice young'ooman," he determined to seek
out Miss Patty at once, and bring to an end their unfinished
conversation. For this purpose he returned to the hall, where
he found a great commotion. and a carriage at the door; and out
of the carriage jumped a handsome young man, with a black moustache, who ran up to the open hall-door (where Miss Patty was
standing with her sister), seized Miss Kitty by the hand, and
placed his moustache under her nose, and then seized Miss
Patty by her hand, and removed the moustache to beneath. her
nose! And all this unblushingly and as a matter of course, out
in the sunshine, and before the servants! Mr. Verdant Green
retreated without having been seen, and, plunging into the shrubbery, told his woes to the evergreens, and while he listened to
"'The dry-tongued laurel's pattering talk,"
he thought, "It is as I feared! I am nothing more to her than
a simple friend." Though, why he so morosely arrived at this
idea it would be hard to say.  Perhaps other jealous lovers have
been similarly unreasonable and unreasoning in their conclusions,
and, of their own accord, run to the dark side of the cloud, when
they might have pleasantly remained within its silver lining.
But when Frank Delaval had been seen, and heard, and made
acquaintance with, Verdant, who was much too simple-hearted to
dislike any one without just grounds for so doing, entered (even
after half an- hour's knowledge) into the band of his admirers;
and that same evening, in ihe drawing-room, while Miss Kitty
was playing one of Schulhoff's mazurkas, with her moustached
cousin standing by her side, and turning over the music-leaves,
Verdant privately declared, over a chess-board, to Miss Patty,
that Mr. Frank Delaval was the handsomest and most delightful
man he had ever met.  And wYhen Miss Patty's eyes sparkled at
this proof of his truth and disinterestedness, Verdant mistook
the bright signals; and further misconstruing the cause why (as
they continued to speak of her cousin) she made a most egregious blunder, that caused her opponent to pronounce the word
"Mated!" he regarded it as a fatal omen, more especially as
Mr. Frank came to her side at that very moment; and when the
young lady laughed, and said, " What a goose I am! whatever
could I have been thinking of?" he thought within himself (persisting in his illogical and perverse conclusions), "' It is very
plain what she is thinking about  I was afraid that she loved




THE ADVENTURES OF MR, VERDANT GREEN.          88
him, and now I know it."  So he put up the chess-men, while
she went to the piano with her cousin; and he even wished that
Mr. Bouncer had interrupted their apple-tree conversation at
its commencement; but was thankful to him for coming in time
to save him from the pain of being rejected in favour of another,
Then, in five minutes, he changed his mind, and had decided
that it would have spared him much misery if he could have
heard his fate from his Patty's own lips. Then he wished that
he had never come to Northumberland at all, and began to think
how he should spend his time in the purgatory that Honeywood
Hall would now be to him.
When they separated for the night, HE again placed his moustache beneath HER nose. Mr. Verdant Green turned away his
head at such a sickly exhibition. It was a presumption upon
cousinship.  Charles Larkyns did not kiss her; and he was
equally as much her cousin as Frank Delaval.
And yet, when the young men went into the back kitchen for
a pipe and a chat before going to bed, Verdant was so delighted




36         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
with that handsome cousin Frank, that he thought, "If I was a
girl, I should think as she does."
"And why should she not love him?" meditated the pool
fellow, when he was lying awake in his bed that self-same night,
rendered sleepless by the pain of his new wound; " why should
she not love him? how could she do otherwise? thrown together
as they have been from children-speaking to each other as'Patty' and' Fred'-kissing each other-and being as brother
and sister. Would that they were so! How he kept near her
all the evening-coming to her even when she was playing
chess with me, then singing with her, and playing her accompaniments.  She said that no one could play her accompaniments
like he could-he had such good taste, and such a firm, delicate
touch.  Then, when they talked about sketching, she said how
she had missed him, and that she had been reserving the view
from Brankham Law, in order that they might sketch it together.
Then he showed her his last drawings-and they were beautiful.
What can I do against this?" groaned poor Verdant, from under
the bed-clothes; "he has accomplishments, and I have none;
he has good looks, and I haven't; he has a moustache and a pair
of whiskers,-and I have only a pair of spectacles! I cannot
shine in society, and'win admiration, like he does; I have nothing to offer her but my love. Lucky fellow! he is worthier of
her than I am -and I hope they will be very happy."  At which
thought, Verdant felt highly the reverse, and went off into dismal dreams.
In the morning, when Miss Patty and her cousin were setting
out for the hill called Brankham Law, Verdant, who had retreated to a garden-seat beneath a fine old cedar, was roused
from a very abstracted perusal of " The Dream of Fair Women,"
by the apparition of one who, in his eyes, was fairer than them
all.
"I have been searching for you everywhere," said Miss Patty.
"Mamma said that you were not riding with the others, so I
knew that you must be somewhere about. I think I shall lock
up my Tennyson, if it takes you so much out of our society.
Won't you come up Brankham Law with Frank and me?"
Willingly if you wish it," answered Verdant, though with an
unwilling air;' " but of what use can I be? Othello's occupation
is gone. Your cousin can fill my place much better than if I
were there."
( How very ungrateful you are!" said Miss Patty; " you really
deserve a good scolding! I allow you to watch me when I ati




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           87
painting, in order that you may gain a lesson, and just when you
are beginning to learn something, then you give up. But, at
any rate, take Fred for your master, and come and watch him;
he can draw. If you were to go to any of the great men to have
a lesson of them, all that they would do would be to paint before
you, and leave you to look on and pick up what knowledge you
could.  I know that I cannot draw  anything worth looking
at,-"
"Indeed, but "
"But Fred," continued Miss Patty, who was going at too
great a pace to be stopped, "but Fred is as good as many masters that you would meet with; so it will be an advantage to
you to come and look over him."
"I think I should prefer to look over you."
"Now you are paying compliments, and I don't like them.
But, if you will come, you will really be useful.  You see I am
mercenary in my wishes, after all.  Here is Fred with a load of
sketching materials; won't you take pity on him, and relieve
him of my share of his burden?"
If I could take you off his hands, thought Verdant, I should
be better pleased., But Miss Patty won the day; and Verdant
took possession of her sketching-block and drawing materials, and
set off with them to Brankham Law.
Frederick Delaval was a yachtsman, and owner of the Fleurde-lys, a cutter yacht, of fifty tons. Besides being inclined to
amateur nautical- pursuits; he was also partial to an amateur
nautical costume; and he further dressed the character of a
yachtsman by slinging round him his telescope, which was protected from storms and salt water by a leathern case.  This telescope was, in a moment, uncased and brought to bear upon everybody and everything, at every opportunity, in proper nautical
fashion, being used by him for distant objects as other people
would use an eyeglass for nearer things. And no sooner had
they arrived at the grassy plateau that marked the summit of.Brankham Law, than the telescope was unslung, and its proprietor swept the horizon-for there was a distant view  of the
ocean-in search of the Fleur-de-lys.
"I am afraid," he said, " that we shall not be able to make
her out; the distance is almost too great to distinguish her from
other vessels, although the whiteness of her sails would assist us
to a recognition.  If the skipper got under way at the hour I
told him, he ought about this time to be rounding the headland
that you see stretching out yonder."
12




.8          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GIMEe.
"I think I see a white sail in that direction," said Miss Patty
as she shaded her eyes with her hand, and looked out earnestly
in the required quarter.
" My dear Patty," laughed her cousin, " if you knew anything
of nautical matters, you would see that it was not a cutter yacht,
for she has more than one mast; though, certainly, as you saw 
her, she seemed to have but one, for she was just coming about,
and was in stays."
"In stays i" exclaimed Miss Patty; "why what singular ex*
pressions you sailors have!"
" Oh yes!" said Frederick Delaval, "and some vessels have
waists —like young ladies.  But now X think I see the Fleur-dolsye! that gaff topsl yard was never carried by a coasting resseL
To he sure it is! the skipper knows how to handle her; and, if
the breeze holds, she will soon reach her port. Come and have a
the breeze holds, she will soon reach her tort. Come and have a




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           89
look at her, Patty, while I rest the glass for you.-  So he
balanced it on his shoulder, while Miss Patty looked through
it with her one eye, and placed her fingers upon the other —
after the manner of young ladies when they look through a telescope; and then burst into such animated, but not thoughtful
observations, as "Oh! I can see it quite plainly.  Oh! it is
rolling about so! Oh! there are two little men in it! Oh!
one of them's pulling a rope! Oh! it all seems to be brought so
near!" as if there had been some doubt on the matter, and she
had expected the telescope to make things invisible. Miss Patty
was quite in childish delight at watching the Fleur-de-lys' movements, and seemed to forget all about the proposed sketch,
although Mr. Verdant Green had found her a comfortable rock
seat, and had placed her drawing materials ready for use.'How happy and confiding they are!" he thought, as he
gazed upon them  thus standing together; "they seem  to be
made for each other. He is fart more fitted for her than I am.
I wonder if I shall ever see them after they are-married. I shall
never be married."  And, after this morbid fashion, the young
gentleman took a melancholy pleasure in arranging his future.
It was about this time that the divine afflatus-which had
lain almost dormant since his boyish " Address to the Moon" —
was again manifested in him by the production of numberless
poetical effusions, in which his own poignant anguish and Miss
Patty's incomparable attractions were brought forward in verses
of various degrees of mediodrity. They were also equally varied
in their style and treatment; one being written in a fierce and
gloomy Byronic strain, while  another followed  the lighter
childish style of Wordsworth.  To this latter class, perhaps,
belonged the following lines, which, having accidentally fallen
into the hands of Mr. Bouncer, were pronounced by him to be
"no end good! first-rate fun!" for the little gentleman put a
highly erroneous construction upon them, and, to the great
laceration of the author's feelings, imagined them to be altogether of a comic tendency.  But, when Mr. Verdant Green
wrote them, he probably thought that " deep meaning lieth oft in
childish play:"" Pretty Patty Honeywood,
Fresh, and fair, and plump,
Into your affections
I should like to jump!
Into your good graces
I should like to steal 
That you lov'd me truly
I should like to feel




40         fHE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
" Pretty Patty Honeywood,
You can little know
How my sea of passion
Unto you doth flow;
How it ever hastens,
With a swelling tide,
To its strand of happiness
At thy darling side.
- Pretty Patty Honeywood,
Would that you and I
Could ask the surpliced parson
Our wedding knot to tie!
Oh! my life of sunshine
Then would be begun,
Pretty Patty Honeywood,
When you and I were one.But by far his greatest poetical achievement was his "Legend
of the Fair Margaret," written in Spenserian metre, and commenced at this period of his career, though never completed.
The plot was of the most dismal and intricate kind. The Fair
Margaret was beloved by two young men, one of whom (Sir
Frederico) was dark, and (necessarily, therefore) as badly disposed
a young man as you would desire to keep out of your family
circle, and the other (Sir Verdour) was light, and (consequently)
as mild and amiable as any given number of maiden aunts could
wish. As a matter of course, therefore, the Fair Margaret perversely preferred the dark Sir Frederico, who had poisoned her
ears, and told her the most abominable falsehoods about the good
and innocent Sir Verdour; when just as Sir Frederico was about
to forcibly carry away the Fair MargaretWhy, just then, circumstances over which Mr. Verdant Green
had no control, prevented the denouement, and the completion
of " the Legend."




THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN.         41
CHAPTER VI.
MR. VERDANT GREEN JOINS A NORTHUMBERLAND PIC-NIC.
A ~4^(   IOME weeks had passed away very
tii,'( j  ^   IIj pleasantly to all-pleasantly even
1^   -`\5h   -,_to Mr. Verdant Green; for, although he had not renewed his
A/,!",   ~74"-,    i E      apple-tree conversation with Miss
J —- ^" 1'1    Patty, and was making progress
j'- ~W    Y   with his "Legend of the Fair,,t,/'1         Margaret," yet —it may possibly'/ f(X   k',~' Lud      have been that the exertion to',I/ ]., z' t          make "dove" rhyme with "love,"
t\\,,  "., ),'    and "gloom" with "doom," occu
hi\,tt  ~,",,1  ~    Ppied his mind to the exclusion of
(&,'         ),;needless sorrow-he contrived to'-~'",.,,'~   "make himself mournfully amiable,
/, 1   _^ 5 s  even if not tolerably happy, in the
society of the fair enchantress.
The Honeywood party were indeed a model household; and
rode, and drove, and walked, and fished, and sketched, as a large
family of brothers and sisters might do-perhaps with a little
more piquancy than is generally found in  the home-made
dish.
They had had more than one little friendly pic-nic and ex.
cursion, and had seen Warkworth, and grown excessively sentimental in its hermitage; they had lionised Alnwick, and gone
over its noble castle, and sat in Hotspur's chair, and fallen into
raptures at the Duchess's bijou of a dairy, and viewed the pillared
passant lion, with his tail blowing straight out (owing, probably,
to the breezy nature of his position), and.seen the Duke's herd
of buffaloes tearing along their park with streaming manes; and
they had gone back to Honeywood Hall, and received Honeywood
guests, and been entertained by them in return.
But the squire was now about to give a pic-nic on a large scale;
and as it was important, not only in its dimensions and preparations, but also in bringing about an occurrence that in no small
degree affected Mr. Verdant Green's future life, it becomes his




12         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
historian's duty to chronicle the event with the fulness that it
merits.  The pic-nic, moreover, deserves mention because it
possessed an individuality of character, and was unlike the ordinary solemnities attending the pic-nics of every-day life.
In the first place, the party had to reach the appointed spotwhich was Chillingham —in an unusual manner. At least half
of the road that had to be traversed was impassable for carriages.
Bridgeless brooks had to be crossed; and what were called
"roads" were little better than the bedsof mountain torrents, and
in wet weather might have been taken for such.  Deep channels
were worn in them by the rush of impetuous streams, and no
known carriage-springs could have lived out such ruts. Carriages,
therefore, in this part of the country, were out of the question,
The squire did what was usual on such occasions: he appointed,
as a rendezvous, a certain little inn'at the extremity of the carriageable part of the road, and there all the party met, and left
their chariots and horses.  They then-after a little preparatory
pic-nic, for many of them  had come from long distances-took
possession of certain wagons that were in waiting for them.
These wagons, though apparently of light build, were constructed for the country, and were capable of sustaining the severe
test of the rough roads.  Within them were lashed hay-sacks,
which, when covered with railway rugs, formed sufficiently comfortable seats, on which the divisions of the party sat vis-d-vis,
like omnibus travellers. Frederick Delaval and a few others, on
horses and ponies, as outriders, accompanied the wagon procession,
which was by no means deficient in materials for the picturesque.
The teams of horses were turned out to their best advantage, and
decorated with flowers. The fore horse of each team  bore his
collar of little brass bells, which clashed out a wild music as they
moved along.  The ruddy-faced wagoners were in their shirtsleeves, which.were tied round with ribbons; they had gay ribbons also on their hats and whips, and did not lack bouquets and
flowers for the further adornment of their persons. Altogether
they were most theatrical-looking fellows, and appeared perfectly
prepared to take their places in the Sonnambula, or any other
opera in which decorated rustics have to appear and unanimously
shout their joy and grief at the nightly rate of two shillings per
head.  The light summer dresses of the ladies helped to make
an agreeable variety of colour, as the wagons moved slowly
along the dark heathery hills, now by the side of a brawling
brook, and now by a rugged road.
The joltings of these same roads were, as little Mr. Bounces




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           43
feelingly remarked, facts that must be felt to be believed.  For,
when the wheel of any vehicle is suddenly plunged into a rat or
hole of a foot's depth, and from thence violently extracted with a
jerk, plunge, and wrench, to be again dropped into another hole
or rut, and withdrawn from thence in a like manner,-and when
this process is being simultaneously repeated, with discordant
variations, by other three wheels attached to the self-same vehicle,
it will follow, as a matter of course, that the result of this, experiment will be the violent agitation and commingling of the
movable contents of the said vehicle; and, when these contents
chance to take the semblance of humanity, it may readily be
imagined what must have been, the scene presented to the view,,  i
as the pic-nic wagons, with their human freight, laboured through
the mountain roads that led towards Chillingham.  But all this
only gave a zest to the day's enjoyment; and, if Miss Patty Honeywood was unable to maintain her seat without assistance from
her neighbour, Mr. Verdant Green, it is not at all improbable
but that she approved of his kind attention, and that the other
young ladies who were similarly situated accepted similar attentions with similar gratitude.
In this way they literally jogged along to Chillingham, where
they alighted from  their novel carriages and four, and then
leisurely made their way to the castle. When they had sufficiently
lionised it, and had strolled through the gardens, they went to
have a look at the famous wild cattle. Our Warwickshire friends
had frequently had a distant view of them; for the cattle kept
together in a herd, and as their park was on the slone of a dark




44         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
hill, they were visible from afar off as a moving white patch on
the landscape. On the present occasion they found that the cattle,
which numbered their full herd of about a hundred strong, were
quietly grazing on the border of their pine wood, where a few of
their fellow-tenants, the original red-deer, were lifting their
enormous antlers.  From  their position the pic-nic party were
unable to obtain a very near view of them; but the curiosity of
the young ladies was strongly excited, and would not be allayed
without a closer acquaintance with these formidable but beautiful
creatures. And it therefore happened that, when the courageous
Miss Bouncer proposed that they should make an incursion into
the very territory of the Wild Cattle, her proposition was not only
seconded, but was carried almost unanimously.  It was in vain
that Mr. Honeywood, and the seniors and chaperones of the party,
reminded the younger people of the grisly head they had just
seen hanging up in the lodge, and those straight sharp horns that
had gored to death the brave keeper who had risked his own life
to save his n:aster's friend; it was in vain that Charles Larkyns,'fearful for his Mary's sake, quoted the "Bride of Lammermoor,"
and urged the improbability of another Master of Ravenswood
starting out of the bushes to the rescue of a second Lucy Ashton;
it was in vain that anecdotes were told of the fury of these cattle,
-how they would single out some aged or wounded companion,
and drive him out of the herd until he miserably died, and how
they would hide themselves for days within their dark pine-wood,
where no one dare attack them; it was in vain that Mr. Verdant
Green reminded Miss Patty Honeywood of her narrow escape
from Mr. Roarer, and warned her that her then danger was now
increased a hundredfold; all in vain, for Miss Patty assured him
that the cattle were as peaceable as they were beautiful, and that
they only attacked people in self-defence when provoked or molested. So, as the young ladies were positively bent upon having
a nearer view of the milk-white herd, the greater number of the
gentlemen were obliged to accompany them.,
It was no easy matter to get into the Wild Cattle's enclosure,
as the boundary fence was of unusual height, and the difficulty
of its being scaled by ladies was proportionately increased.
Nevertheless, the fence and the difficulty were alike surmounted,
and the party were safely landed wvitin the park.  They had
promised to obey Mr. Honeywood's advice, and to abstain from
that mill-stream  murmur of conversation in which a party of
young ladies usually indulge, and to walk quietly among the
trees, across an angle of the park, at some two or three hundred




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          43
yards' distance from the herd, so as not to unnecessarily attract
their attention; and then to scale the fence at a point higher up
the hill. Following this advice, they walked quietly across the
mossy grass, keeping behind trees, and escaping the notice of the
Cattle.  They had reached midway in their proposed path, and,
with silent admiration, were watching the movements of the herd
as they placidly grazed at a short distance from them, when Miss
Bouncer, who was addicted to uncontrollable fits of laughter at
improper seasons, was so tickled at some sotto voce remark of
Frederick Delaval's, that she burst into a hearty ringing laug,
which, ere she could smother its noise with her handkerchief, had
startled the watchful ears of the monarch of the herd.
The Bull raised his magnificent head, and looked round in the
direction from whence the disturbance had proceeded.  As he
perceived it, he sniffed the air, made a rapid movement with his
pink-edged ears, and gave an ominous bellow. This signal awoke
the attention of the other bulls, their wives, and children, who
simultaneously left off grazing and commenced gazing.  The
bovine monarch gave another bellow, stamped upon the ground,
lashed his tail, advanced about twenty yards in a threatening
manner, and then paused, and gazed fixedly upon the pic-nic
party and Miss Bouncer, who too late regretted her malapropos
laugh.
"For heaven's sake!" whispered Mr. Honeywood, "do not
speak; but get toithe fence as quietly and quickly as you can."
The young ladies obeyed, and forbore either to scream or faint
-for the present. The Bull gave another stamp and bellow, and
made a second advance. This time he came about fifty yards
before he paused, and he was followed at a short distance, and at
a walking pace, by the rest of the herd   The ladies retreated
quietly, the gentlemen came after them, but the park-fence
appeared to be at a terribly long distance, and it was evident
that if the herd made a sudden rush upon them, nothing could
save them-unless they could climb the trees; but this did not
seem very practicable.  Mr. Verdant Green, however, caught at
the probability of such need, and anxio isly looked round for the
most likely tree for his purpose.
The Bull had made another advance, and was gaining upon
them.  It seemed curious that he should stand forth as the
champion of the herd, and do all the roaring and stamping, while
the other bulls remained mute, and followed with the rest of the
herd, yet so it was; but there seemed no reason to disbelieve the
unpleasant fact that the monarch's example would be imitated by
12*




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
his subjects. The herd had now drawn so near, and the ycang
ladies had made such a comparatively slow retreat, that they
were yet many yards distant from the boundary fence, and it was
quite plain that they could not reach it before the advancing
milk white mass would be hurled against them.  Some of the
young ladies were beginning to feel faint and hysterical, and
their alarm was more or less shared by all the party.
It was now, by Charles Larkyns's advice, that the more active
gentlemen mounted on to the lower branches of the wide-spreading trees, and, aided by others upon the ground, began to lift up
the ladies to places of security. But, the party being a large
one, this caring for its more valued but less athletic members
was a business that could not be transacted without the expenditure of some little time and trouble, more, as it seemed, than
could now be bestowed; for, the onward movement of the Chillingham Cattle was more rapid than the corresponding upward movement of the Northumbrian pic-nickers.  And, even if Charles
Larkyns's plan should have a favourable issue, it did not seem a
very agreeable prospect to be detained up in a tree, with a century of bulls bellowing beneath, until casual assistance should
arrive; and yet, what was this state of affairs when compared
with the terrors of that impending fate from which, for some of
them  at least, there seemed no escape?  Mr. Verdant Green
fully realised the horrors of this alternative when he looked at
Miss Patty Honeywood, who had not yet joined those ladies who,
clinging fearfully to the boughs, and crouching among the
branches like roosting guinea-fowls, were for the present in comparative safety, and out of the reach of the Cattle.
The monarch of the herd had now come within forty yards
distance, and then stopped, lashing his tail and bellowing defi.
ance, as he appeared to be preparing for a final rush. Behind
him, in a dense phalanx, white and terrible, were the rest of the
herd.  Suddenly, and before the Snowy Bull had made his
advance, Frederick Delaval, to the wondering fear of all, stepped
boldly forth to meet him.  As has been said, he was one of the
equestrians of the party, and he carried a heavy-handled whip,
furnished with a long and powerful lash. He wrapped this lash
round his hand, and walked resolutely towards the Bull, fixing
his eyes steadily upon him.  The Bull chafed angrily, and
stamped upon the ground, but did not advance. The herd, aloo,
were motionless; but their dark, lustrous eyes were centred
upon Frederick Delaval's advancing figure.  The members of
the pic-nic party were also watching him with intense interest




THE ADVENTURES OF MR: VERDANT GREEN.           47
If they could, they would have prevented his purpose; for to all
appearance he was about to lose his own life in order that the
rest of the party might gain time to reach a place of safety. The
very expectation of this prevented many of the ladies availing
themselves of the opportunity thus so boldly purchased, and they
stood transfixed with terror and astonishment, breathlessly awaiting the result.
They watched him draw near the wild white Bull, who stood
there yet, foaming and stamping up the turf, but not advancing.
His huge horned head was held erect, and his mane bristled up,
as he looked upon the adversary who thus dared to brave him.
He suffered Frederick Delaval to approach him, and only betrayed a consciousness of his presence by his heavy snorting,
angry lashing of the tail, and quick motion of his bright eye.
All this time the young man had looked the Bull steadfastly in
the front, and had drawn near him with an equal and steady
step.  Suppressed screams broke from more than one witness of
his bravery, when he at length stood within a step of his huge
adversary.  He gazed fixedly into the Bull's eyes, and, after a
moment's pause, suddenly raised his riding-whip, and lashed the
animal heavily over the shoulders. The Bull tossed round, and
roared with fury. The whole herd became agitated, and other
bulls trotted up to support their monarch.
Still looking him steadfastly in the eyes, Frederick Delaval
again raised his heavy whip, and lashed him more severely than
before. The Wild Bull butted down, swerved round, and dashed
out with his heels.  As he did so, Frederick again struck him
heavily with the whip, and, at the same time, blew a piercing
signal on the boatswain's whistle that he usually carried with
him. The sudden shriek of the whistle appeared to put the coup
de grace to the young mnan's bold attack, for the animal had no
sooner heard it than he tossed up his head and threw forward his
ears, as though to ask from whence the novel noise proceeded.
Frederick Delaval again blew a piercing shriek on the whistle;
and when the Wild Bull heard it, and once more felt the sting.
ing lash of the heavy whip, he swerved round, and with a bellow
of pain and fury trotted back to the herd. The young man blew
another shrill whistle, and cracked the long lash of his whip until
its echoes reverberated like so many pistol-shots. The Wild
Bull's trot increased to a gallop, and he and the whole herd of
the Chillingham  Cattle dashed rapidly away from  the pic-nia
party, and in a little time were lost to view in the recesses of
their forest.




48        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
"Thank God! " said Mr. Honeywood; and it was echoed in
the hearts of all. But the Squire's emotion was too deep for
words, as he went to meet Frederick Delaval, and pressed him
by the hand.
"Get the women outside the park as quickly as possible," said
Frederick, "and I will join you."
But when this was done, and Mr. Honeywood had returned to
him, be found hib' lying motionless beneath the tree.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREE. 
CHAPTER VII.
M1. VERDANT GREEN HAS AN INKLING OF THE fUTURE,
I1     MONG other things that
Mr.  Honeywood  had
thoughtfully   provided
rLJl\0'    al!>> t/1\gi ifor the pic-nic was a
f2    ),;>-~J    flask of pale brandy,
s  /   A  which, for its better pre.
servation, he had kept
(-  \^,.>.\'I          in his own pocket. This
was fortunate, as it enabled the Squire to make.-, s,^ -,.^                 use of it for Frederick
^^^^^j^S  i  iDelaval's recovery.. He
had fainted: his concentrated courage and
resolution had borne him bravely up to a
certain point, and then his overtaxed ener
gies had given way when the necessity for
their exertion was removed. When he had come to himself, he
appeared to be particularly thankful that there had not been a
spectator of (what he deemed to be) his unpardonable foolishness in giving way to a weakness that he considered should be indulged in by none other than faint-hearted women; and he
earnestly begged the Squire to be silent on this little episode in
the day's adventure.
When they had left the Wild Cattle's park, and had joined
the rest of the party, Frederick Delaval received the hearty
thanks that he so richly deserved; and this, with such an exuberant display df feminine gratitude as to lead Mr. Bouncer to
observe, that, if Mr. Delaval chose to take a mean advantage of
his position, he could have immediately proposed to two-thirds
of the ladies, without the possibility of their declining his offer 
at which remark Mr. Verdant Green experienced an uncomfortable sensation, as he thought of the probable issue of events
if Mr Delaval should partly act upon Mr. Bouncer's suggestion,
by selecting one young lady-his cousin Patty-and proposing




50         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
to her. This reflection became strengthened into a determina
tion to set the matter at rest, decide his doubts, and put an end
to his suspense, by taking the first opportunity to renew with
Miss Patty that most interesting apple-tree conversation that had
been interrupted by Mr. Bouncer at such a critical moment.
The pic-nic party, broken up into couples and groups, slowly
made their way up:the hill to Ros Castle-the doubly-intrenched
pritish fort on the summit-where the dinner was to take place.
It was a rugged road, running along the side of the park, bounded
by rocky banks, and shaded by trees. It was tenanted as usual
by a Faw gang,-a band of gipsies, whose wild and gay attire,
with their accompaniments of tents, carts, horses, dogs, and fires,
added picturesqueness to the scene. With the characteristic of
their race-which appears to be a shrewd mixture of mendicity
and mendacity-they at once abandoned their business of tinkering and peg-making; and, resuming their other business of fortune-telling and begging, they judiciously distributed themselves
among the various divisions of the pic-nic party.
Mr. Verdant Green was strolling up the hill lost in meditation, and so inattentive to the wiles of Miss Eleonora Morkin,
and her sister Letitia Jane (two fascinating young ladies who' were bent upon turning the pic-nic to account), that they had left
him, and had forcibly attached themselves to Mr. Poletiss (a
soft young gentleman from the neighbourhood of Wooler), when
a gipsy woman, with a baby at her back and two children at her
heels, singled out our hero as a not unlikely victim, and began
at once to tell his fate, dispensing with the aid of stops:
"May the heavens rain blessings, on your head my pretty
gentleman give the poor gipsy a piece of silver to buy her a bit for
the bairns and I can read by the lines in your face my pretty
gentleman that you're born to ride in a golden coach and wear
buckles of diemints and that your heart's opening like a flower to
help the poor gipsy to get her a trifle for her poor famishing
bairns that I see      the tears of pity astanding like pearls in
your eyes my pretty gentleman and may you never know tle
want of the shilling that I see you're going to give the poor gipsy
who will send you all the rich blessings of heaven if you will
but cross her hand with the bright pieces of silver that are not
half so bright as the sweet eyes of the lady that's awaiting and
athinking of you my pretty gentleman 
This unpunctuated exhortation of the dark-eyed prophetess
was here diverted into a new channel by tl — arrival of Miss
Patty Hcneywood, who had left her cousin Frank, and had brought




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
her sketch-book to the spot where "the pretty gentleman" and
the fortune-teller were standing.
I do so want to draw a real gipsy," she said.' I have never
yet sketched one; and this is a good opportunity.  These little
brownies of children, with their Italian faces and hair, are very
picturesque in their rags."
Oh,! do draw them!" said Verdant enthusiastically, as he
perceived that the rest of the party had passed out of sight. " It
is a capital opportunity, and I dare say they will have no objection
to be sketched."
"6 May the heavens be the hardest bed you'll ever have to lie
on my pretty rosebud," said the unpunctuating descendant of John
Faa, as she addressed herself to Miss Patty; " and you're welcome
to take the poor gipsy's pictur and to cross her hand with the
shining silver while she reads the stars and picks you out a prince
of a husband and twelve pretty bairns like the "-."
"4No, no!" said Miss Patty, checking the gipsy in her bounteous promises.  "I'll give you something for letting me sketch
you, but I won't have my fortune told. I know it already; at
least as much as I care to know." A speech which Mr. Verdant
Green interpreted thus:  Frederick Delaval has propsed, and
has been accepted.
" Pray don't let me keep you from the rest of the party," said
Miss Patty to our hero, while the gipsy shot our fragments oi




52         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
persuasive oratory.  "I can get on very well by myself.   " She
wants to get rid of me," thought Verdant. " I dare say her cousin
is coming back to her."  But he said, "At any rate let me stay
until Mr. Delaval rejoins you."
"Oh I he is gone on with the rest, like a polite man.  The
Miss Maxwells and their cousins were all by themselves."
" But you are all by yourself; and, by your own showing, I
ought to prove my politeness by staying with you."
" I suppose that is Oxford logic," said Miss Patty, as she went
on with her sketch of the two gipsy children.  " I wish these
small persons would stand quiet. Put your hands on your stick,
my boy, and not before your face.-But there are the Miss
Morkins, with one gentleman for the two; and I dare say you
would much rather be with Miss Eleonora.  Now, wouldn't
you?" and the young lady, as she rapidly sketched the figures
before her, stole a sly look at the enamoured gentleman by her
side, who forthwith protested, in an excited and confused manner, that he would rather stand near her for one minute than
walk and talk for a whole day with the Miss Morkins; and
then, having made this (for him) unusually' strong avowal, he
timidly blushed, and retired within himself.
"Oh yes! I dare say," said Miss Patty; " but I don't believe
in compliments.  If you choose to victimise yourself by staying
here, of course you can do so.-Look at me, little girl; you
needn't be frightened; I shan't eat you.-And perhaps you can
be useful.  I want some'water to wash-in these figures; and if
they were literally washed in it, it would be very much to their
advantage, wouldn't it?"
Of course it would; and of course Mr. Verdant Green was
delighted to obey the command.  "What spirits she is in!" he
thought, as he dipped,the little can of water into the spring. " I
dare say it is because she and her cousin Frederick have come to
an understanding."
" Ii you are anxious to hear a fortune told," said Miss Patty,' here is the old gipsy coming back to us, and you had better
let her tell yours."
"I am afraid that I know it."
"And do you like the prospect of it?"
Not at all!'" and as he said this Mr. Verdant Green's countenance fell. Singularly enough, a shade of sadness also stole
over Miss Patty's sunny face. What could he mean?
A somewhat disagreeable silence was broken by the gipsY
most volubly echoing Miss Patty's request.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           5S
" YoJ had better let her tell you your fortune," said the young
lady;'perhaps it may be an improvement on what you expected.  And I shall be able to make a better sketch of her in
her true character of a fortune4teller."
Then, like as Martivalle inspected Quentin Durward's palm,
according to the form of the mystic arts which he practised, so
the swarthy prophetess opened her Book of Fate, and favoured
Mr. Verdant Green with choice extracts from its contents. First,
she told the pretty gentleman a long rigmarole about the stars,
and a planet that ought to have shone upon him, but didn't.
Then she discoursed of a beautiful young lady, with a heart as
full of love as a pomegranate was full of seeds,-painting, in
pretty exact colours, a lively portraiture of Miss Patty, which
was no very difficult task, while the fair original was close at
hand; nevertheless, the infatuated pretty gentleman was deeply
impressed with the gipsy narrative, and began to think that the practice and knowledge of the occult sciences may, after all, have oeen
handed down to the modern representatives of the ancient Egyptians. He was still further impressed with this belief when the
gipsy proceeded to tell him that he was passionately attached to
the pomegranate-hearted young lady, but that his path of true
love was crossed by a rival-a dark man.




54         THE ADVENTURES OF MR, VERbANT GREEN,
Frederick Delaval I This is really most extraordinary! thought
Mr. Verdant Green, who was not familiar with a fortune-teller's
stock in trade; and he waited with some anxiety for the further
unravelling of his fate.
The cunning gipsy saw this, and broadly hinted that another
piece of silver placed upon the junction of two cross lines in the
pretty gentleman's right palm would materially. propitiate the
stars, and assist in the happy solution of his fortune.  When the
hint had been taken she pursued her romantic narrative. Her
elaborate but discursive summing-up comprehended the triumph
of Mr. Verdant Green, the defeat of the dark man, the marriage
of the former to the pomegranate-hearted young lady, a yellow
carriage and four white horses with long tails, and, last but certainly not least, a family of twelve children: at which childish
termination Miss Patty laughed, and asked our hero if that was
the fate that he had dreaded?
Her sketch being concluded, she remunerated her models so
munificently as to draw down upon her head a rapid series of the
most wordy and incoherent blessings she had ever heard, under
cover of which she effected her escape, and proceeded with hei
companion to rejoin the others.  They were not very far in advance.  The gipsies had beset them  at divers points in their
progress, and had made no small number of them yield to their
importunities to cross their hands with silver. When the various
members of the pic-nic party afterwards came to compare notes
as to the fortunes that had been told them, it wa: discovered that
a remarkable similarity pervaded the fates of all, though their
destinies were, greatly influenced by the amount expended in
crossing the hand; and it was observable that the number of
children promised to bless the nuptial tie was also regulated by
a sliding-scale of payment-the largest payers being rewarded
with the assurance of the largest families.- It was, also discovered
that the description of the favoired lover was invariably the
verbal delineation of the lady or gentleman who chanced to be at
that time walking with the person whose fortune was being told
-a prophetic discrimination worthy of all praise, since it had the
pretty good security of being correct in more than one case, and
in the other cases there was the chance of the prophecy coming
true, however improbable present events would appear.  Thus,
Miss Eleonora Morkin received, and was perfectly satisfied with,
a description of Mr. Poletiss; while Miss Letitia Jane Morkin
was made supremely happy with a promise of a similarly-described gentleman; until the two sisters had compared note;




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          6
when they discovered that the same husband had been i rom:_ed
to both of them-which by no means improved their sororal
amiability.
As Verdant walked up the hill with Miss Patty, he thought
very seriously on his feelings towards her, and pondered what
might be the nature of her feelings in regard to him. He believed that she was engaged to her cousin Frederick. All her
little looks, and acts, and words to himself, he could construe as
the mere tokens of the friendship of a warm-hearted girl. If she
was inclined to a little flirtation, there was then an additional
reason for her notice of him.  Then he thought that she'vas of
far too noble a disposition to lead him on to a love which she
could not, or might not wish to, return; and that she would not
have said and done many little things that he fondly recalled,
unless she had chosen to show him that he was dearer to her
than a mere friend. Having ascended to the heights of happiness
by this thought, Verdant immediately plunged from thence into
the depths of misery, by calling to mind various other little things
that she had said and done in connection with her cousin; and
he again forced himself into the conviction that in Frederick
Ddelaval he had a rival, and, what was more, a successful one.
He determined, before the day was over, to end his tortures of
suspense by putting to Miss Patty the plain question whether or
no she was engaged to her cousin, and to trust to her kindness
to forgive the question if it was an impertinent one. He was
unable to dosthis for the present, partly from lack of courage,
and partly from  the too close neighbourhood of others of the
party; but he concocted several sentences that seemed to him
to be admirably adapted to bring about the desired result.
"How abstracted you are!" said Miss Patty to him  rather
abruptly.  "Why don't you make yourself agreeable?  For the
last three minutes you have not taken your eyes off Kitty." (She
was walking just before them, with her cousin Frederick.) " What
were you thinking about?"
Perhaps it was that he was suddenly roused from deep thought,
and had no time to frame an evasive reply; but at any rate Mr.
Verdant Green answered," I was thinking that Mr. Delaval had
proposed, and had been accepted." And then he was frightened
at what he had said; for Miss Patty looked confused and surprised.  "I see that it is so," he sighed, and his heart sank
within him.
" How did you find it out?" she replied. "-It is a secret for
the present; and we do not wish any one to knew of it."




56        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
"My dear Patty," said Frederick Delaval, who had waited fot
them to come up, " wherever have you been,?  We thought the
gipsies had stolen you. I am dying to tell you my fortune. I
was with Miss Maxwell at the time, and the old woman described
her to me as my future wife. The fortune-teller was slightly on
the wrong tack, wasn't she?" So Frederick Delaval and the
Misses Honeywood laughed; and Mr. Verdant Green also laughed
in a very savage manner; and they all seemed to think it a very
capital joke, and walked on together in very capital spirits.
"My last hope is gone!" thought VerdaLt,  "I have now
heard my fate from her own lips.i




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           7
CHAPTER VIII.
MB. VERDANT GREEN CROSSES THE RUBICON.
J^"    "^~       K ^^   HE pic-nic dinner was laid.. m y ^near to the brow of the
hill of Ros Castle, on
)^ <ff^~~~~  nMftthe shady side of the
ark wall. In this cool
were2~ ~ t   retreat, with the thick.~ir_ _rv~~ a~.~ ~'.i.s!     summer foliage to screen
_iti: ons;           them from the hot sun,
they could feast undis.
turbed either by the
Wild Cattle or the noonday glare, and drink in
the    X blaebrr te bdraughts of beauty from
tee in mytl-lk buhs    h             the wide- spread landa~'N,~:-,j rc pi             scape before them.
- r, a   The hill on which they
were seated was broken up into the most picturesque undula.
tions; here, the rock cropped out from the mossy turf; there,
the blaeberries (the bilberries of more southern counties) clustered in myrtle-like bushes.  The intrenched ill sloped down to
a rich plain, spreading out for many miles, traversed by the great
north road, and dotted over;with hamlets.  Then came a brown
belt of sand, and a broken white litie of breakers; and then the
sea, flecked with crested waves, and sails that glimmered in the
dreamy distance., i ioly Island was also in sight, together with
the rugged Castle of Bamborough, and the picturesque groups of
the Staple and the Farn Islands, covered with sea-birds, and
circled with pearls of foam,.   
The imme4iate foreground ppeented a very cheering prospect
to hungry folks." The snowy tfbile-aloth — held. down upon the
grass by fragments of rock against the surprise of high windswas dappled over with loins of lamb, and lobstet salads, and
pigeon-pies, and veal cakes, and grouse, and game, and ducks,
and cold fowls, and ruddy hams, and helpless tongues, and cool




58        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREENL
cucumbers, and pickled salmon, and roast-beef of old England,
and oyster patties, and venison pasties, and all sorts of pastries
and jellies, and custards, and ice: to say nothing of piles of
peaches, and nectarines, and grapes, and melons, and pines.
Everything had been remembered-even the salt, and the knives
and forks, which are usually forgotten at alfresco entertainments.
All this was very cheering, and suggestive of enjoyment and
creature comforts. Wines and humbler liquids stood around;
and, for the especial delectation of the ladies, a goodly supply of
champagne lay cooling itself in some ice-pails, under the tilt of
the cart that had brought it. This cart-tilt, draped over with
loose sacking, formed a very good imitation of a gipsy tent, that
did not in the least detract from the rusticity of the scene, more
especially as close behind it was burning a gipsy fire, surmounted
by a triple gibbet, on which hung a kettle, melodious even then, and
singing through its swan-like neck an intimation of its readiness
to aid, at a moment's notice, in the manufacture of whisky-toddy.
The dinner was a very merry affdir. The gentlemen vied with
the servants in attending to the wants ofthe ladies, and were
assiduous in the duties of cutting and carving; while the sharp
popping of the champagne, and the heavier artillery of the pale
ale and porter bottles, made a pleasant fusillade. Little Mr.
Bouncer was especially deserving of notice.  He sat with his
legs in the shape of the letter V inverted, his legs being forced
to retain their position from the fact of three dishes of variotis
dimensions being arranged between them in a diminuendo passage.  These three dishes he vigorously attacked, not only on his




THE ADVENTURES Ot MR. VERDANT GREEN.
own account, but also on behalf of his neighbours, more especi.
ally Miss Fanny Green, who reclined by his side in an oriental
posture, and made a table of her lap.  The disposition of the
rest of the dramatis persona was also noticeable, as also their
positions-their sitting d la Turk or tailor, and their d6gages
attitudes and costumes.  Charles Larkyns had got by Mary
Green; Mr. Poletiss was placed, sandwich-like, between the
two Miss Morkins, who were both making love to him at once;
Frederick Delaval was sitting in a similar fashion between the two
Miss Honeywoods, who were not, however, both making love to
him at once; and on the other side of Miss Patty was Mr. Verdant Green.  The infatuated young man could not drag himself
away from his conqueror. Although, from her own confession, he
had learnt what he had many times suspected-that Frederick
Delaval had proposed and had been accepted-yet he still felt a
pleasure in burning his wings and fluttering round his light of
love, "An affection of the heart cannot be cured at a moment's
notice," thought Verdant; "to-morrow I will endeavour to begin
the task of forgetting-to-day,remembrance is too recent; besides,
every one is expected to enjoy himself at a pic-nic, and I must
appear to do the same."
But it did not seem as though Miss Patty had any intention of
allowing those in her immediate vicinity to betake themselves to
the dismals, or to the produce of wet-blankets, for she was in the
very highest spirits, and insisted, as it were, that those arouad
her should catch the contagion of'her cheerfulness.  And it
accordingly happened that Mr. Verdant Green seemed to be as
merry as was old King Cole, and laughed and talked as though
black care was anywhere else than' between himself and Miss
Patty Honeywood.
Close behind Miss Patty was the gipsy-tent-looking cart-tilt;
and when the dinner was over, and there was a slight change of
places, while the fragments were being cleared away and the dessert and wine were being placed on the table-that is to say, the
cloth-Miss Patty, under pretence of escaping from a ray of sunshine that had pierced the trees and found its way to her face,
retreated a yard or so, and crouched beneath the pseudo gipsyteat.  And what so natural but that Mr. Verdant Green should
also find the sun disagreeable, and should follow his light of love,
to burn his wings a little more, and flutter round her fascinations?
At any rate, whether natural or no, Verdant also drew back a yard
or so, and found himself half within the cart-tilt, and very clos
to Miss Patty




60         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
The pic-nic party were stretched at their ease' upon the grass
drinking wine, munching fruit, talking, laughing, and flirting,
with the blue sea before them  and the bluer sky above them,
when said the squire in heroic strain, " Song alone is wanting to
crown our feast!  Charles Larkyns, you have not only the face
of a singer, but, as we all know, you have the voice of one. 1
therefore call upon you to set our minstrels an example; and, as
a propitiatory measure, I beg to propose your health, with eulogistic thanks for the song you are about to sing!"  Which was
unanimously seconded amid laughter and cheers; and the pop of
the champagne bottles gave Charles Larkyns the key-note for his
song.  It was suited to the occasion (perhaps it was composed for
it?), being a paean for a pic-nic, and it stated (in chorus)"Then these aids to success
Should a pic-nic possess
For the cup of its joy to be brimming:
Three things there should shine
Fair, agreeable, and fine- 
The Weather, the Wine, and the Women!"
A rule of pic-nics which, if properly worked out, could not fail to
answer.
Other songs followed; and Mr. Poletiss, being a young gentleman of a meek appearance and still meeker voice, lyrically informed the company that "Oh! he was a pirate bold, The scourge
of the wide, wide sea, With a murd'rous thirst for gold, And a
life that was wild and free!"  And when Mr. Poletiss arrived at
this point, he repeated the last word two or three times over-just
as if he had been King George the Third visiting Whitbread's
Brewery —
"Grains, grains!" said majesty, "to fill their crops?
Grains, grains! that comes from hops-yes, hops, hops, hops "
So Mr. Poletiss sang, "And a life that was wild and free, free,
free, And a life that was wild and free." To this charming lyric
there was a chorus of,' Then hurrah for the pirate bold, And
hurrah for the rover wild, And hurrah for,the yellow gold, And
hurrah for the ocean's child!" the mild- enunciation of which
highly moral and appropriate chant appeared to give Mr. Poletiss
great satisfaction, as he turned his half-shut eyes to the sky, and
fashioned his mouth into a smile.  Mr. Bouncer's love for a
chorus was conspicuously displayed on this occasion; and Miss
Eleonora and Miss Letitia Jane Morkin added their feeble trebles




THE ADVENT*iSB OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          61
to the hurrahs with which Mr. Poletiss, in his George the Third
fashion, meekly hailed the advantages to be derived from a pirate's
career.
But what was Mr. Verdant Green doing all this time? The
sunbeam had pursued him, and proved so annoying that he had
found it necessary to withdraw altogether into the shade of the
pseudo gipsy-tent. Miss Patty Honeywood had made such room
for him that she was entirely hidden from the rest of the party
by the rude drapery of the tent.  By the time that Mr. Poletiss
had commenced his piratical song, Miss Patty and Verdant were
deep in a whispered coLversation.  It was she who had started
the conversation, and it was about the gipsy and her fortunetelling.
Just when Mr. Poletiss had given his first imitation of King
George, and was mildly plunging into his hurrah chorus, Mr.
Verdant Green-whose timidity, fears, and depression of spirits
had somewhat been dispelled and alleviated by the allied powers
of Miss Patty and the champagne-was speaking thus: "And do
you really think that she was only inventing, and that the dark
man she spoke of was a creature of her own imagination?"
"Of course!" answered Miss Patty; "you surely don't believe
that she could have meant anyone in particular, either in the
gentleman's case or in the lady's?"
"But, in the lady's, she evidently described you."
"Very likely! just as she would have described any othel
young lady who might have chanced to be with you: Miss Morkin, for example. The gipsy knew her trade."
13




52        THE ADVENTURES OF MI. VERDANT GREEN.
" Many true words are spoken in jest.  Perhaps it was not
altogether idly that she spoke; perhaps I did care for the lady
she described."
The sunbeam must surely have penetrated through the tenths
coarse covering, for both Miss Patty and Mr. Verdant Green
were becoming very hot-hotter even than they had been under
the apple-tree in the orchard. Mr. Poletiss was all this time
giving his imitations of George the Third, and lyrically expressing his opinion as to the advantages to be derived from the
profession of a pirate; and, as his song was almost as long as
"Chevy Chase," and mainly consisted of a chorus, which was
energetically led by Mr. Bouncer, there was noise enough made
to drown any whispered conversation in the pseudo gipsy-tent.
" But," continued Verdant, "' perhaps the lady she described
did not care for me, or she would not have given all her love to
the dark man."
"I think," faltered Miss Patty, " the gipsy seemed to say that
the lady preferred the light man.  But you do not believe what
she told you?"
"I would have done so a few days ago-if it had been repeated
by you." 
"I scarcely know what you mean."
"Until to-day I had hoped.  It seems that I have built my
hopes on a false foundation, and one word of yours has crumbled
them into the dust!"
This pretty sentence embodied an idea that he had stolen from
his own Legend of the Fair Margaret.  He felt so much pride
in his property that, as Miss Patty looked slightly bewildered and
remained speechless, he reiterated the little quotation about his
crumbling hopes.
"Whatever can I have done," said the young lady, with a
smile, " to cadse such a ruin?"
"It caused you no pain to utter the words," replied Verdant;
"and why should it? but, to me, they tolled the knell of my
happiness." (This was another quotation from his Legend.)
"Then hurrah for the pirate bold, And hurrahfor the rover
wild!" sang the meek Mr. Poletiss.
Miss Patty Honeywood began to suspect that Mr. Verdant
Green had taken too much champagne I
" What do you mean?" she said.  " Whatever have I said or
done to you that you make use of such remarkable expressions?"
"And hurrah for the yellow gold, Ahd hurrah for the oceanl
child!" chorussed Messrs. Poletiss, Bouncer, and Co.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            63
Looking as sentimental as his spectacles would allow, Mr.
Verdant Green replied in verse"  Hopes that once we've loved to cherish
May fade and droop, but never perish 1'
as Shakspeare says." (Although he modestly attributed this senti
ment to the Swan of Avon, it was, nevertheless, another quota.
tion from  his own Legend.)  "And it is my case   I cannot
forget the Past, though you may I"
" Really you are as enigmatical as the Sphinx I" said MAls
Patty, who again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connection
with champagne.' Pray condescend to speak more plainly, for
I was never clever at finding out riddles."
"And have you forgotten what you said to me, in reply to a
question that I asked you, as we came up the hill?"
"Yes, I have quite forgotten. I dare say I said many foolish
things; but what was the particular foolish thing that sq dwells
on your mind?"' If it is so soon forgotten, it is not worth repeating."
"Oh, it is! Pray gratify my curiosity.  I am sorry my bad
memory should have given you any pain."
" It was not your bad memory, butayour words."
"My bad words?"
"No, not bad; but words that shut out a bright future, and
changed my life to gloom."  (The Legend again.
Miss Patty looked more perplexed than ever; while Mr. Pole




64         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
tiss politely filled up the gap of silence with an imitation of King
George the Third.
"I really do not know what you mean," said Miss Patty. " If
I have said or done anything that has caused you pain, I can
assure you it was quite unwittingly on my part, and I am very
sorry for it; but, if you will tell me what it was, perhaps I may
be able to explain it away, and disabuse your mind of a false
impression."
*I am quite sure that you did not intend to pain me," replied
Verdant; " and I know that it was presumptuous in me to think
as I did. It was scarcely probable that you would feel as I felt;
and I ought to have made up my mind to it, and have borne my
sufferings with a patient heart."  (The Legend again!) "And
vet when the shock does come, it is very hard to be borne."
Miss Patty's bright eyes were dilated with wonder, and she
again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connection with champagne.  Mr. Poletiss was still taking his pirate through all sorts
of flats and sharps, and chromatic imitations of King George.' But, what is this shock?" asked Miss Patty.  "Perhaps I
ean relieve it; and I ought to do so if it came through my
means." 
You cannot help me," said Verdant.  "My suspicions were
confirmed by your words, and they have sealed my fate."' But you have not yet told me what thbse words were, and I
must really insist upon knowing," said Miss Patty, who had begun
to look very seriously perplexed.
"And, can you have forgotten!"'was the reply. " Do you not
remember, that, as we came up the hill, I put a certain question
to you about'Mr.: Delaval having proposed and having been
accepted?"
Yes! I remember it very well! And, what then?"
"And, what then!" echoed Mr. Verdant Green, in the greatest
wonder at the young lady's calmness; " what then! why, when
you told me that he had been accepted, was not that sufficient for
me to know? —to know that all my love had been given to one
who was another's, and that all my hopes were blighted! was
not this sufficient to crush me, and to change the colour of my
life?" And Verdant's face showed that, though he might be
quoting from his Legend, he was yet speaking from his heart.
"Oh 1 I little expected this!" faltered Miss Patty, in real
grief; "I little thought of this.  Why did you not speak sooner
to some one-to m, for instance-and have spared yourself
this misery? If you had been earlier made acquainted with Fre




TIE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,           6
derick's attachment, you might then have checked your own. I
did not ever dream of this  "  And Miss Patty, who had turrel
pale, and trembled with agitation, could not restrain a tear.
" It is very kind of you thus to feel for me!" said Verdant;
" and all I ask is, that you will still remain my friend."
Indeed, I will. And I am sure Kitty will always wish to be
the same.. She will  be sadly grieved to hear of this; for, I
can assure you that she had no suspicion you were attached to
hler."
" Attached to HER!" cried Verdant, with vast surprise.' What ever do you mean?"
" Have you not been telling me of your secret love for her?"
answered Miss Patty, who again turned her thoughts to the
champagne.
"Love for her.  No! Inothing of the kind."
" What I and not spoken about your grief when I told you that
Frederick Delaval had proposed to her, and had beeniccepted?"
Proposed to her? " cried Verdant, in a kind of dreamy swoon.
" Yes! to whom else do you suppose he would propose'? 
"To you!"
"To ME!"
"Yes, to you  Why, have you not been telling me that you
were engaged to him?"
"Telling you that I was engaged to Fred!" rejoined Miss
Patty.  "Why, what could put such an idea into your head?
Fred is engaged to Kitty.  You asked me if it was not so; and I
told you, yes, but that it was a secret at present.  Why, then
of whom were you talking?"
" Of you!"'. 
"Of me?" 
"Yes, of you!"  And the scales fell from the eyes of both,
and they saw their mutual mistake.
There was a silence, which Verdant was the first to break.
"It seems that love is really blind. I now perceive how we
have been playing at cross questions and crooked answers. When
I asked you about Mr. Delaval, my thoughts were wholly of you,
and I spoke of you, and not of your sister, as you imagined; and
I fanc.ied that you answered not for your sister, but for yourself.
When I spoke of my attachment, it did not refer to your sister,
but to you."
"To me?" softly said Miss Patty, as a delicious tremor stole
over her.




66        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
"To you, and to you alone," answered Verdant. The great
stumbling-block of his doubts was now removed, and his way lay
clear before him. Then, after a momentary pause to nerve Fis
determination, and without further prelude, or beating about the
bush, he said, " Patty-my dear Miss Honeywood-I love you \
do you love me?"
There it was at last I The dreaded question over which he
had passed so many hours of thought, was at length spoken.
The elaborate sentences that he had devised for its introduction,
had all been forgotten; and his artificial flowers of oratory had
been exchanged for those simpler blossoms of honesty and truth
-" I love you —do you love me?"  He had imagined that he
should put the question to her when they were alone in some
quiet room; or, better still, when they were wandering together
in some sequestered garden walk or shady lane; and, now, here
he had unexpectedly, and undesignedly, found his opportunity at
a pic-nic dinner, with half a hundred people close beside him, and
his ears assaulted with a songster's praises of piracy and murder.
Strange accompaniments to a declaration of the tender passion!
But, like others before him, he had found that there was no such
privacy as that of a crowd-the fear of. interruption probably
adding a spur to determination, while the laughter and busy talking of others assist to fill up awkward pauses of agitation in the
converse of the loving couple.
Despite the heat, Miss Patty's cheeks paled for a moment, as
Verdant put to her that question, "Do you love me? "  Then a
deep blush stole over them, as she whispered " I do.'"
What need for more? what need for pressure of hands or lips,
and vows of love and constancy? What need even or the elder
and more desperate of the Miss Morkins to maliciously suggest
that Mr. Poletiss-who had concluded, amid a great display of
approbation (probably because it was concluded) his mild piratical
chant, and his imitations of King George the Third-should call
upon Mr. Verdant Green, who, as she understood, was a very
good singer? "And, dear me! where could he have gone to, when
he was here just now, you know! and, good gracious! why there
he was, under the cart-tilt-and well, I never was so surprised —
Miss Martha Honeywood with him, flirting now, I dare say?
shouldn't you think so?"
No need for this stroke of generalship! No need for Miss
Letitia Jane Morkin to prompt Miss Fanny Green to bring her
brother out of his retirement. No need for Mr. Frederick Delaval




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          67
to say "I thought you were never going to slip from your moor*
ings  "  Or for little Mr. Bouncer to cry, " Yoicks I unearthed at
last! "  No need for anything, save the parental sanction to the
newly-formed engagement. Mr. Verdant Green had proposed,
and had been accepted; and Miss Patty Honeywood could exclaim with Schiller's heroine,  Ich habo gelebt und geliebet II bave lived, ad have loved I "




88         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
CHAPTER IX.
XR. VERDANT GREEN ASKS PAPA.
111~/11 /  ll ll ^SS MORKIN met with her r~
t11 /11/1 / l|| lward before many hours.  The,t   -~ \   pic-nic party were on their way
home, and had reached within a
X ^ ^1^1~ _  jshort distance of the inn where
\'j~ i' t.. M "their wagons had to be exchanged
i  tt  i^\?for carriages.  It has been mentioned that,among the difficulties
of the way, they had to drive
through bridgeless brooks; and
-~ -z'~~ii.~  one of these was not half-a-mile
distant from the inn.
It happened that the mild Mr. Poletiss was seated at the tail
end of the wagon, next to the fair Miss Morkin, who was laying
violent biege to him, with a battery of words, if not of charms.  If
the position of Mr. Poletiss, as to deliverance from his fair foe,
was a difficult one, his position, as to maintaining his seat during
the violent throes and tossings to and fro of the wagon, was even
more difficult; for Mr. Poletiss's mildness of voice was surpassed
by his mildness of manner, and he was far too timid to grasp at
the side of the wagon by placing his arm behind the fair Miss
Morkin, lest it should be supposed that he was assuming the
privileged position of a partner in a valse. Mr. Poletiss, therefore,
whenever they jolted through ruts or brooks, held on to his hay
hassock, and preserved his equilibrium as best he could.
On the same side of the wagon, but at its upper and safer end,
was seated Mr. Bouncer, who was not slow to perceive that a very
slight accident would destroy Mr. Poletiss's equilibrium; and the
little gentleman's fertile brain speedily concocted a plan, which
he forthwith communicated to Miss Fanny Green, who sat next
to him.  It was this:-that when they were plunging through
the brook, and every one was swaying to and fro, and was thrown
off their balance, Mr. Bouncer should take advantage of the
critical moment, and (Jy accident, of course!) give Miss Fanny
Green a heavy push; this would drive her against her neat




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            69
neighbour, Miss Patty Honeywood; who, from the recoil, would
literally be precipitated into the arms of Mr. Verdant Green, who
would be, pushed against Miss Letitia Jane Morkin, who would
be driven against her sister, who would be propelled against Mr.
Poletiss, and thus give him that coup de grace, which, as Mr.
Bouncer hoped, would have the effect of quietly tumbling him
out of the wagon, and partially ducking him in the brook.  "It
won't hurt him," said the little gentleman; " it'll do him good,
The brook ain't deep, and a bath will be pleasant such a day as
this.  He can dry his clothes at the inn, and get some steaming
toddy, if he's afraid oqcatching cold. And it will be such a lark
to see him in the water.  Perhaps Miss Morkin will take a header,
and plunge in to save him; and he will promise her his hand,
and a medal from the Humane Society! The wagon will be
sure to give a heavy lurch as we come up out of the brook, and
what so natural as that we should all be jolted against each
other?"  It is not necessary to state whether or no Miss Fanny
Green seconded or opposed Mr. Bouncer's motion; suffice it to
say that it was carried out.   
They had reached the irok.  Miss Morkin was'exclaiming,
"Oh, dear! here's another o' those dreadfal brooks-the last, I
hope, for I always feel so timidiat water, and I never bathe at the
sea-side without shutting my.eyes and being pushed into it by
the old woman-and, my goodness! here "we are, and I feel con.
vinced that we shall all be throWn in,y those dreadful wagoners,
who are quite tipsy I'n sure —don't you think so, Mr. Poletiss? "
But, ere Mr. Poletiss could nmeekly respond, the horses had
been quickened- into- a trot, the wagon had gone down into the
brook-through it-and was boundiIng up the opposite sideeverybody was holding tightly to anything that came nearest to
hand —when, at that fatal moment, little Mr. Bouncer gave the
preconcerted push, which was passed on, unpremeditatedly, from
one to another, until it had gained its electrical climax in the
person of Miss Morkin, who, with a shriek, was propelled against
Mr. Poletiss, and gave the necessary momentum that toppled him
from the wagor into the brook.  But, dreadful to relate, Mr.
Bouncer's practical Joke did.not terminate at this fixed point.
Mr. Poletiss, in the suddenness of his fall, naturally struck out
at any straw that might save him; and the straw that he caught
was the dress of Miss Morkin.  She being at that moment oft
her balance, and the wagon moving rapidly at an angle of 45~,
was unable to save herself from following the example of Mr.
Poletiss, and she also toppled over into the brook. A third
13*




TO         SCTE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
victim would have been added to Mr. Bouncer's list, had not Mr
Verdant Green, with considerable presence of mind, plucked
Miss Letitia Jane Morkin from the violent hands that her sister
was laying upon her, in making the same endeavours after safety
that had been so futilely employed by the luckless Mr. Poletiss.
No sooner had he fallen with a splash into the brook, than
Miss Eleonora Morkin was not only after but upon him. This
was so far fortunate for the lady, that it released her with only a
partial wetting, and she speedily rolled from off her submerged
companion on to the shore; but it rendered the ducking of Mr.
Poletiss a more complete one, and he scranabled from the brook,
dripping and heavy with wet, like an old ewe emerging from a
sheep-shearing tank. The wagon had been immediately stopped,
and Mr. Bouncer and the other gentlemen had at once sprung
down to Miss Morkin's assistance. Being thus surrounded by a
male body-guard, the young lady could do no less than go into
hysterics, and fall into the nearest gentleman's arms, and as this
gentleman was little Mr. Bouncer he was partially punished for
his practical joke. Indeed, he afterwards declared that a severe
cold which troubled him for the next fortnight was attributable to
his having held in his arms the damp form of the dishevelled
naiad.  On her recovery-which was effected by Mr. Bouncer




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          71
giving way under his burden, and lowering it to the ground-she
utterly refused to be again carried in the wagon; and, as walking
was perhaps better for her under the circumstances, she and Mr.
Poletiss were escorted in procession to the inn hard by, where
dry changes of costume were provided for them by the landlord
and his fair daughter.
As this little misadventure was believed by all, save the privileged few, to have been purely the result of accident, it was not
permitted, so Mr. Bouncer said, to do as Miss Morkin had done
by him-throw a damp upon the party; and as the couple who
had taken a watery bath met with great sympathy, they had no
reason to complain of the incident. Especially had the fair Miss
Morkin cause to rejoice therein, for the mild Mr. Poletiss had to
make her so many apologies for having been the innocent cause
of her fall, and, as a reparation, felt bound to so particularly
devote himself to her for the remainder of the evening, that Miss
Morkin was in the highest state of feminine gratification, and
observed to her sister, when they were preparing themselves for
rest, "I am quite sure, Letitia Jane, that the gipsy woman
spoke the truth, and could read the stars and whatdyecallems
as easy as a b c. She told me that I should be married to a man
with light whiskers and a soft voice, and that he would come to
me from over the water; and it's quite evident that she referred
to Mr. Poletiss and his falling into the brook; and I'm sure if
he'd have had a proper opportunity he'd have said something
definite to-night." So Miss Eleonora Morkin laid her head upon




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
her pillow, and dreamt of bride-cake and wedding-favours.  Perhaps another young lady under the same roof was dreaming the
same thing!
I A ball at Honeywood Hall terminated the pleasures of the day.
The guests had brought with them a change of garments, and
were therefore enabled to make their reappearance in evening
costume.  This quiet interval for dressing was the first moment
that Verdant could secure for sitting down by himself to think
over the events of the day. As yet the time was too early for
him- to reflect calmly on the step he had taken. His brain was
in that kind of delicious stupor which we experience when, having
been aroused from sleep, we again shut our eyes for a moment's
doze. Past, present, and future were agreeably mingled in his
fancies. One thought quickly followed upon another; there was
no dwelling upon one special point, but a succession of crowding
feelings chased rapidly through his mind, all pervaded by that
sunny hue that shines out from the knowledge of love returned.
He could not rest until he had told his sister Mary, and made
her a sharer in his happiness. He found her just without the
door, strolling up and down the drive with Charles Larkyns, so
he joined them; and, as they walked in the pleasant cool of the
evening down a shady walk, he stammered out to them, with
many blushes, that Patty Honeywood had promised to be his
wife.
" Cousin Patty is the very girl for you!" said Charles Lar.
kyns, "' the very best choice you could have made. She will trim
you up and keep you tight, as old Tennyson hath it. For what
says  the fat-faced curate Edward Bull?'' I take it, God made the woman for the man
And for the good and increase of the world.
A pretty face is well, and this is well,
To have a dame indoors, that trims us up
And keeps us tight.'' Verdant, you are a lucky fellow to have won the love of such
a good and honest-hearted girl, and if there is any room left to
mould you into a better follow than what you are, Miss Patty is
the very one for the modeller."
At the same time that he was thus being congratulated on his
good fortune and happy prospects, Miss Patty was making a
similar confession to her mother and sister, and receiving the like
good wishes. And it is probable that Mrs. Honeywood made no
delay in communicating this piece of family news to her liege




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           79
lord and master; for when, half an hour afterwards, Mr. Verdant
Green had screwed up his courage sufficiently to enable him to
request a private interview with Mr. Honeywood in the library,
the Squire most humanely relieved him from  a large load of
embarrassment, and checked the hems and hums and haws that
our hero was letting off like squibs, to enliven his conversation,
by saying, "I think I guess the nature of your errand-to ask
my consent to your engagement with my daughter Martha?
Am I right?"
And so, by this grateful helping of a very lame dog over a very
difficult stile, the diplomatic relations and circumlocutions that
are usually observed at' horrible interviews of this description
were altogether avoided, and the business was speedily brought to
a satisfactory termination.
When Mr. Verdant Green issued from the library, he felt
himself at least ten years older and a much more important person than when he had entered it, so greatly is our bump of selfesteem  increased by the knowledge that there is a being in
existence who holds us dearer than aught else in the whole wide
world.  But not even a misogynist would have dared to assert
that, in the present instance, love was but an excess of self-love;
for if ever there was a true attachment that honestly sprang from
the purest feelings of the heart, it was that which existed between
Miss Patty Honeywood and Mr. Verdant Green.
What need to dwell further on the daily events of that happy
time?  What need to tell how the several engagements of the
two Miss Honeywoods were made known, and how, with Miss
Mary Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns, there were thus three
bond fide "engaged couples " in the house at the same time, to
say nothing of what looked like an embryo engagement between
Miss Fanny Green and Mr. Bouncer?  But if this last-named
attachment should come to anything, it would probably be owing
to the severe aggravation which the little gentleman felt on
continually finding himself de trop at some scene of tender sentiment.
If, for example, he entered the library, its tenants, perhaps,
would be Verdant and Patty, who would be discovered, with
agitated expressions, standing or sitting at intervals of three
yards, thereby endeavouring to convey to the spectator the idea
that those positions had been relatively maintained by them up
to the moment of his entering the room, an idea which the spectator invariably rejected. When Mr. Bouncer had retired with
figlrative Eastern apologies from the library, he would perhaps




74         TfEE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN.
enter the drawing-room, there to find that Frederick Delaval and
Miss Kitty Honeywood had sprung into remote positions (as
certain bodies rebound upon contact), and were regarding him as
an unwelcome intruder. Thence, with more apologies, he would
betake himself to the breakfast-room, to see what was going on
in that quarter, and there he would flush a third brace of betrotheds, a proceeding that was not much sport to either party.
It could hardly be a matter of surprise, therefore, if Mr. Bouncer
should be seized with the prevailing epidemic, and, from the
circumstances of his position, should be driven more than he
might otherwise have been into Miss Fanny Green's society.
And though the little gentleman had no serious intentions in all
this, yet it seemed highly probable that something might come
of it, and that Mr. Alfred Brindle (whose attentions at the
Christmas charade-party at the Manor Green had been of so
marked a character) would have to resign his pretensions to Miss
Fanny Green's hand in favour of Mr. Henry Bouncer.
But it is needless to describe the daily lives of these betrothed
couples-how they rode, and sketched, and walked, and talked,
and drove, and fished, and shot, and visited, and pic-nic'dhow they went out to sea in Frederick Delaval's yacht, and were
overtaken by rough weather, and became so unromantically ill
that they prayed to be put on shore again-how, on a chosen
day, when the sea was as calm as a duckpond, they sailed from
Bamborough to the Longstone, and nevertheless took provisions
with them for three days, because, if storms should arise, they
might have found it impossible to put back from the island to
the shore; but how, nevertheless, they were altogether fortunate,
and had not to lengthen out their pic-nic to such an uncomfortable extent-and how they went over the Lighthouse, and talked
about the brave and gentle Grace Darling; and how that handsome, grey-headed old man, her father, showed them the presents
that had been sent to his daughter by Queen, and Lords, and
Commons, in token of her deed of daring; and how he was garrulols about them and her, with the pardonable pride of a
"fond old man,
Fourscore and upward,"
who had been the father of such a daughter.  It is needless to
detail all this; let us rather pass to the evening of the day pre.
ceding that which should see the group of visitors on their way
back to Warwickshire.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            5
Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honeywood have been
taking a farewell after-dinner stroll in the garden, and have now
wandered into the deserted breakfast-room, under the pretence of
finding a water-colour drawing of Honeywood Hall, that the young
lady had made for our hero.
* Now, you must promise me," she said to him, " that you will
take it to Oxford."
"Certainly, if I go there again.  But"But, sir! but I thought you had promised to give up to me
on that point. You naughty boy'! if you already bveak your
promises in this way, who knows but what you will forget your
promise to remember me when you have gone away from here?"
Mr. Verdant Green here did what is usual in such eases. He
kissed the young lady, and said, "You silly little woman! as
though I could forget you!" et cetera, et cetera.
"Ah! I don't know," said Miss Patty.
Mr. Verdant Green repeated the kiss and the et ceteras.
" Very well, then, I'll believe you," at length said Miss Patty.
"But I won't love you one bit unless you'll faithfully promise
that you will go back to Oxford. Whatever would be the use of
your giving up your studies?"
* A great deal of use; we could be married at once."
"Oh no, we couldn't.  Papa is quite firm on this point.  You
know that he thinks us much too young to be married."
" But," pleaded our hero, " if we are old enough to fall in love,
surely we must be old enough to be married."
"Oxford logic again, I suppose," laughed Miss Patty, " but it
won't persuade papa, nevertheless. I am not quite nineteen, you
know, and papa has always said that I should never be married
until I was one-and-twenty.  By that time you will have done
with college and taken your degree, and I should so like to know
that you have passed all your examinations, and are a Bachelor
of Arts." 
" But," said Verdant, " I don't think I shall be able to pass.
Examinations are very nervous affairs, and suppose I should be
plucked. You wouldn't like to marry a man who had disgraced
himself."
"Do you see ^that picture?" asked Miss Patty; and she
directed Verdant's attention to a small but exquisite oil-painting
by Maclise.  It was in illustration of one of Moore's melodies,
" Come, rest in this bosom, my own stricken deer!"  The lover
had fallen upon one knee at his mistress's feet, and was locked
in her embrace. With a look of fondest love she had pillowed




76          THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
his head upon her bosom, as if to assure him, "Though the herd
have all left thee, thy home it is here."
"Do you see that picture?" asked Miss Patty.  "I would do
as she did. If all others rejected you yet would I never. You
would still find your home here," and she nestled fondly to his
side.
"But," she said, after one of those delightful pauses which
lovers know so well how to fill up, " you must not conjure up
such silly fancies. Charles has often told me how easily you
passed your-Little-go, isn't it called?-and he says you will
have no trouble in obtaining your degree."
But two years is such a tremendous time to wait," urged our
hero, who, like all lovers, was anxious to crown his happinesa
without much delay.
without much delay.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.         77
" If you are resolved to think it long," said Miss Patty; "but
it will enable you to tell whether you ieally like me. You might,
you know, marry iL haste, and then have to repent at leisure."
And the end of this conversation was, that the fair specialpleader gained her cause, and that Mr. Verdant Green consented
to return to Oxford, and not to dream of marriage until two years
had passed over his head.
The next night he slept at the Manor Green, Warwickshire.




78         THE ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GuEBL
CHAPTER X,
BR. VERDANT GREEN IS MADE A MASON.
Nr             l        R. VERDANT GREEN and Mr'-l\ff, i/.. 1, [l'll Bouncer were once more in Oxford,
and on a certain morning had turned
11 X''!,,I'  into the coffee-room of "The Mitre"
t  h. /i,'       ^to "do  bitters," as Mr. Bouncer
d'1.L^ ~phrased the act of drinking bitter beer, when
said the little gentleman, as he dangled his
I] ";~ i  legs from a table,
"Giglamps, old feller! you ain't a mason."
II JS    A       "' A mason! of course not."
L~"',  And why do you say' of course not'?"
~ ~'~B       " Why, what would be the use of it?"
* That's what parties always say, my tulip.
Be a mason, and then you'll soon see the use of it."
"But I am independent of trade."
" Trade?  Oh, I twig.  My gum, Giglamps! you'll be the
death of me some fine day.  I didn't mean a mason with a hod
of mortar; he'd be a hod-fellow, don't you see?-there's a fine
old crusted joke for you-I meant a mason with a petticut, a
freemason."
" Oh, a freemason.  Well, I really don't seem to care much
about being one. As far as I can see, there's a great deal of
mystery and very little use in it."
" Oh, that's because you know nothing about it. If you were
a mason you'd soon see the use of it.  For one thing, when you
go abroad you'd find it no end of a help to you. If you'll stand
another tankard of beer I'll tell you an apropos tale."
So when a fresh supply of the bitter beverage had been ordered
and brought, little Mr. Bouncer, perched upon the table, and
dangling his legs, discoursed as follows:"Last Long, Billy Blades went on to the continent, and in the
course of his wanderings he came across some gentlemen who
turned out to be bandits, although they wern't dressed in tall hats
and ribbons, and scarves, and watches, and velvet sit-upons, like
you see them in pictures and at theatres; but they were rough




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           79
customers for all that, and they laid hands upon Master Billy,
and politely asked him for his money or his life. Billy wasn't
inclined to give them either, but he was all alone, with nothing
but his knapsack and a stick, for it was a frequented road, and
he had no idea that, there were such things as banditti in existence. Well, as you're aware, Giglamps, Billy's a modern Her.
cules, with an unusual development of biceps, and he not only
sent out left and right, and gave them a touch of Hammer Lane
and the Putney Pet combined, but he also applied his shoemaker
to another gentleman's tailor with considerable effect. However,
this didn't get him kudos, or mend matters one bit; and, after
being knocked about much more than was agreeable to his feelings, he was forced to yield to superior numbers. They gagged
and blindfolded him, formed him into a procession, and marched
him off; and when in about half-an-hour they again let him have
the use of his eyes and tongue, he found himself in a rude hut,
with his banditti friends around him.  They had pistols, and
poniards, and long knives, with which they made threatening
demonstrations. They had cut open his knapsack and tumbled
out its contents, but not a sou could they find; for Billy, I should
have told you, had left the place where he was staying, for a few
days' walking tour, and he had only taken what little money he
required; of this he had one or two pieces left, which he gave
them.  But it wouldn't satisfy the beggars, and they signified to
him-for you see, Giglamps, Billy didn't understand a quarter of
their lingo-that he must fork out with his tin unless he wished
to be forked into with their steel. Pleasant position, wasn't it?"
"Extremely."
"Well,' they searched him, and when they found that they
really couldn't get anything more out of him, they made him
understand that he must write to some one for a ransom, and
that he wouldn't be released until the money came. Pleasant
again, wasn't it?"
"Excessively. But what has all this to do with freemasonry?"
"Giglamps, you're as bad as a girl who peeps at'the end of a
novel before she begins to read it. Drink your beer, and let me
tell my tale in my own way.  Well, now we come to volume the
third, chapter the last.  Master Billy found that there was
nothing for it but to obey orders, so he sent off a note to his
banker, stating his requirements. As soon as this business was
transacted, the amiable bandits turned to pleasure, and produced
a bottle of wine, of which they politely asked Billy to partake. He
thought at first that it might be poison, and he wasn't very far




80        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
wrong, for it was most villanous stuff.  However, the other fel
lows took to it kindly, and got more amiable than ever over it; se
7i   n e,,'  EgR                ~'   J
much so that they offered Billy one of his own weeds, and they
all got very jolly, and were as thick as thieves. Billy made himself so much at home-he's a beggar that can always adapt
himself to circumstances-that at last the chief bandit proposed
his health, and then they all shook hands with him. Well, now
comes the moral of my story. Wlhen the captain of the bandits
was drinking Billy's health in this flipper-shaking way, it all at
once occurred to Billy to give him the masonic grip. I must not
tell you what it, was, but he gave it, and, lo and behold! the
bandit returned it. Both Billy and the bandit opened their eyes
pretty considerably at this. The bandit also opened his arms
and embraced his captive; and the long and short of it was that
he begged Billy's pardon for the trouble and delay they had
caused him, returned him his money and knapsack, and all the
weeds that were not smoked, set aside the ransom, and escorted
him back to the high road, guaranteeing him a free and unmolested passage if he should come that way again. And all this
because Billy was a mason; so you see, Giglamps, what use it is
to a feller.  But," said Mr. Bouncer, as he ended his tale,
"talking's monstrously dry work.  So, I looks to-wards you,
Giglamps! to which, if you wish to do the correct thing, you
should reply'I likewise bows!'" And, little Mr. Bouncer,




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            8.
winking affably to his friend, raised the silver tankard to his lips,
and kept it there for the space of ten seconds.
"I suppose," said Verdant, " that the real moral of your story
is, that I must become a freemason, because I might travel
abroad and be attacked by a scamp who was also a freemason.
Now, I think I had better decline joining a society that numbers
banditti among its members."
Oh, but that was an exceptional case. I dare say, if the truth
was known, Billy's friend had once been a highly respectable
party, and had paid his water-rate and income-tax like any other
civijised being. But all masons are not like Billy's friend, and
the more you know of them the more you'll thank me Tor having
advised you to join them.  But it isn't altogether that.  Every
Oxford man who is really a man is a mason, and that, Giglamps,
is quite a sufficient reason why you should be one."
So Verdant said, Very well, he had no objection; and little
Mr. Bouncer promised to arrange the necessary preliminaries.
What these were will be seen if we advance the progress of events
a few days later.
Messrs. Bouncer, Blades, Foote, and Flexible Shanks-who
were all masons, and could affix- to their names more letters than
members of far more learned societies could do-had undertaken
that Mr. Verdant Green's initiation into the mysteries of the
craft should be altogether a private one. Verdant felt that this
was exceedingly kind of them; for, if it must be confessed, he
nad adopted the popular idea that the admission of members was
in some way or other connected with the free use of a red-hot
poker, and though he was reluctant to breathe his fears on this
point, yet he looked forward to the ceremony with no little dread.
Ie was therefore immensely relieved when he found that, by the
kindness of his friends, his initiation would not take place in the
presence of the assembled members of the Lodge.
For a week Mr. Verdant Green was benevolently left to ponder and speculate on the ceremonial horrors that would attend
his introduction to the mysteries of freemasonry, and by the
appointed day he had worked himself into such a state of nervous
excitement that he was burning more with the fever of apprehen
sion than that of curiosity. There was no help for him, how.
ever; he had promised to go through the ordeal, whatever it
might be, and he had no: desire to be laughed at for having,abandoned his purpose through fear.
The Lodge of Cemented Bricks, of which Messrs. Bouncer and
Co. had promised to make Mr. Verdant Green a member ocer




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
pied spacious rooms in a certain large house in a certain small
street not a hundred miles from the High Street. The ascent to
the Lodge-room, which was at the top of the house, was by a
rather formidable flight of stairs, up which Mr. Verdant Green
tremblingly climbed, attended by Mr. Bouncer as his fidut
Achates. The little gentleman, in that figurative Oriental language to which he was so partial, considerately advised his friend
to keep up his pecker and never say die; but his exhortation of
" Now, don't you be frightened, Giglamps, we shan't hurt you
more than we can help," only increased the anguish of our hero's
sensations; and when at the last he found himself at the top of the
stairs, and before a door which was guarded by Mr. Foote, who
held a drawn sword, and was dressed in unusually full masonic
costume, and looked stern and unearthly in the dusky gloom, he
turned back, and would have made his escape had he not been
prevented by Mr. " Footelights'" naked weapon. Mr. Bouncer
had previously cautioned him that he must not in any way evince
a recognition of his friends until the ceremonies of the initiation
were completed, and that the infringement of this command
would lead to his total expulsion from his friends' society. Mr.
Bouncer had also told him  that he must not be surprised at
anything that he might see or hear; which, under the circumstances, was very seasonable as well as sensible advice. Mr,
Verdant Green, therefore, submitted to his fate, and to Mr.
Footelights' drawn sword.
" The first step, Giglamps," whispered Mr. Bouncer, " is the
blindfolding; the next is the challenge, which is in Coptic, the
original language, you know, of the members of the first Lodge of
Cemented Bricks.  Swordbearer and Deputy Past Pantile Foote
will do this for'you.  I must go and put my things on.  Remember, you mustn't recognise me when you come into the Lodge.
Adoo, Samiwel! keep your pecker up."  Mr. Verdant Green
wrung his friend's hand, pocketed his spectacles, and submitted
to be blindfolded.
Mr. Footelights then took him by the hand, and knocked three
times at the door. A voice, which Verdant recognised as that of
Mr. Blades, inquired, " Kilaricum luricum tweedlecum twee?"
To which Mr. Footelights replied, " Astrakansa siphonia bostrukizon!" and laid the cold steel blade against Mr. Verdant
Green's cheek in a way which made that gentleman shiver.
Mr. Blades' voice then said, " Swordbearer and Deputy Past
Pantile, pass in the neophyte who seeks to be a Cemented Brick; 
and Mr. Verdant Green was thereupon guided into the room.




THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN.            88
"Gropelos toldery lol! remove the handkerchief," said the
voice of Mr. Blades.
The glare from numerous wax-lights, reflected as it was from
polished gold, silver, and marble, affected Mr. Verdant Green's
bandaged eyes, and prevented him for a time from seeiqg anything distinctly, but on Mr. Foote motioning to him that he
might resume his spectacles, he was soon enabled by their aid to
survey the scene.  Around him stood Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Blades,
Mr. Flexible Shanks, and Mr. Foote.  Each held a drawn and
gleaming sword; each wore aprons, scarves, or mantles; each
was decorated with mystic masonic jewellery; each was silent
and preternaturally serious.  The room was large and was furnished with the greatest splendour, but its contents seemed
strange and mysterious to our hero's eyes.
"Advance the neophyte! Oodiny dulipy sing!" said Mr.
Blades, who walked to the other end of the room, stepped upon
a dais, ascended his throne, and laid aside the sword for a sceptre.
Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks then took Mr. Verdant
Green by either shoulder, and escorted him up the room with
their drawn swords turned towards him, while Mr. Bouncer followed, and playfully prodded him in the rear.
In the front of Mr. Blades' throne there was a species of altar,
of which the chief ornaments were a large sword, a skull and
cross-bones, illuminated by a great wax light placed in a tall
silver candlestick. Silver globes and pillars stood upon the dais
on either side of the throne; and luxuriously-velveted chairs and
rows of seats were ranged around. Before the altar-like erection
a small funereal black and white carpet was spread upon the
black and white lozenged floor; and on this carpet were arranged
the following articles:-a money chest, a ballot box (very like
Miss Bouncer's Camera), two pairs of swords, three little mallets,
and a skull and cross-bones-the display of which emblems of
mortality confirmed Mr. Verdant Green in his previously-formed
opinion, that the Lodge-room was a veritable chamber of horrors,
and he would willingly have preferred a visit to that " lodge in
some vast wilderness," for which the poet sighed, and to have
foregone all those promised benefits that were to be derived from
Fremasonry.
But wishing could not save him.  He had no sooner arrived
in front of the skull and cross-bones than the procession halted,
and Mr. Blades, rising from his throne, said,' Let the Swordbearer and Deputy Past Pantile, together with the Provincial
Grand Mortar-board, do their duty!  Ramohun roy azalea




284       THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
tong! Produce the poker!  Past Grand Hodman, remain m
guard'
Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks removed their hands and
swords from Mr. Verdant Green, and walked solemnly down the
room, leaving little Mr. Bouncer standing beside our hero, and
holding the drawn sword above his head. Mr. Foote and Mr.
Flexible Shanks returned, escorting between them the poker.
It was cold! that was a relief. But how long was it to remain
so?
"Past Grand Hodman!' said Mr. Blades, "instruct the
neophyte in the primary proceedings of the Cemented Bricks."
At Mr. Bouncer's bidding, Mr. Verdant Green then sat down
upon the lozenged floor, and held his knees with his hands.  Mr.
Flexible Shanks then brought to him  the poker, and said,
"Tetrao urogallus orygometra crex! "  The poker was then, by
the assistance of Mr. Foote, placed under the knees and over the
arms of Mr. Verdant Green, who thus sat like a trussed fowl,
and equally helpless.
"Recite to the neophyte the oath of the Cemented Bricks!"
said Mr. Blades.
"Ramphastidinm toco scolopendra tinnunculus cracticornis
bos!': exclaimed Mr. Flexible Shanks.' Do you swear to obey through fire and water, and bricks and
mortar, the words of this oath?" asked Mr. Blades from his
throne.
low. I




THI  ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.         8
* You must say, I do! " whispered Mr. Bouncer to Mr Vere
dant Green, who accordingly muttered the response.
"Let the oath be witnessed and registered by Swordbearer
and Deputy Past Pantile, Provincial Grand Mortar-board, and
Past Grand Hodman!" said Mr. Blades; and the three gentlemen thus designated stood on either side of and behind Mr.
Verdant Green, and, with theatrical gestures, clashed their
swords over his head.
" Keemo kimo lingtum nipcat! let him rise," said Mr. Blades;
and the poker was thereupon withdrawn from its position, and
Mr. Verdant Green, being untrussed, but somewhat stiff and
cramped, was assisted upon his legs.
He hoped that his troubles were now at an end; but this
pleasing delusion was speedily dispelled, by Mr. Blades saying_
"The next part of the ceremonial is the delivery of the red-hot
poker. Let the poker be heated!"
Mr. Verdant Green went chill with dread as he watched the
terrible instrument:borne from the room-by Mr. Foote and Mr.
Flexible Shanks, while Mr. Bouncer resumed his guard over him
with the drawn sword. All was quiet save a smothered sound
from the other side of the door, which, under other circumstances,
Verdant would have taken for suppressed laughter; but, the
solemnity of the proceedings repelled the idea.
At length the poker was brought in, red-hot and smoking,
whereupon Mr. Blades left his throne and walked to the other end
of the room, and there took his seat upon a second throne, before
which was a second altar, garnished-as Mr. Verdant Green soon
14




86       THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
perceived, to his horror and amazement-with a human head (ot
the representation of one) projecting from a black cloth that concealed the neck, and, doubtless, the marks of decapitation.  Ttq
ghastly features were clearly displayed by the aid of a wax light
placed in a tall silver candlestick by its side.
Mr. Blades received the poker from Mr. Foote, and commanded
the neophyte to advance.  Mr. Verdant Green did so, and took
up a trembling position to the left of the throne, while Mr. Foote
and Mr. Flexible Shanks proceeded to the organ, which was to
the right of the entrance door. Mr. Blades then delivered the
poker to Mr. Verdant Green, who, at first, imagined that he was
required to seize it by its red-hot end, but was greatly relieved
in his mind when he found that he had merely to take it by the
handle, and repeat (as well as he could) a form of gibberish that
Mr. Blades dictated. Having done this he was desired to transfer
the poker to the Past Grand Hodman-Mr. Bouncer.
He had just come to the joyful conclusion that the much dreaded
poker portion of the business was now at an end, when Mr. Blades
ruthlessly cast a dark cloud over his gleam of happiness, by saying — The next part of the ceremony will be the branding with
the red-hot poker.  Let the organist call in the aid of music to
drown the shrieks of the victim! " and, thereupon, Mr. Foote
struck up (with the full swell of the organ) a heart-rending air
that sounded like "the cries of the wounded " from the Battle oj
Prague.
Now, it happened that little Mr. Bouncer-like his sister-was
subject to uncontrollable fits of laughter at improper seasons. For
the last half-hour he had suffered severely from the torture of
suppressed mirth, and, now, as he saw Mr. Verdant Green's
climax of fright at the anticipated branding, human nature could
not longer bear up against an explosion of merriment, and Mr.
Bouncer burst into shouts of laughter, and, with convulsive sobs,
flung himself upon the nearest seat. His example was contagious; Mr. Blades, Mr. Foote, and Mr. Flexible Shanks, one
after another, joined in the roar, and relieved their pent-up feelings with a rush of uproarious laughter.
At the first Mr. Verdant Green looked surprised, and in doubt
whether or no this was but a part of the usual proceedings attendant upon the initiation of a member into the Lodge of Cemented
Bricks. Then the truth dawned upon him, and he blushed ip
to his spectacles.
" Sold again, Giglamps!" shouted little Mr. Bouncer.  "I




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.         87
didn't think we could carry out the joke so far. I wonder if this
will be hoax the last for Mlr. Verdant Green?"
"I hope so indeed! " replied our hero; "for I have no wish to
continue a Freshman all through my college life. But I'll give
you full liberty to hoax me again-if you can."  And Mr. Verdant Green joined good-humouredly in the laughter raised at his
own expense.
Not many days after this he was really made a Mason; although
the Lodge was not that of the Cemented Bricks, or the forms of
initiation those invented by his four friends.




88         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GRBEX
CHAPTER XI.
AB VERDANT GREEN BREAKFASTS WITH MR. BOUNCER, AND ENTES
FOR A GRIND..   ~__-_  <"  ITTLE  Mr. Bouncer had aban.
1   -    -~E ~E  i~-  doned his intention of obtaining:.-~'  a licet migrare to " the Tavern,'
/!". p~_~_    tand had decided (the Dons being
~ propitious) to remain at Brazen
/~~~   >- A =-  face, in the nearer neighbour.^'^ ^,_hood of his friends.  He had resumed his
Ad~k-   reading for his degree; and, at various odd times,
and in various odd ways, he crammed himself for his
forthcoming examination with the most confused and
confusing scraps of knowledge. He was determined, he said, " to
stump the examiners."
One day, when Mr. Verdant Green had come from morning
chapel, and had been refreshed by the perusal of an unusually
long epistle from his charming Northumbrian correspondent, he
betook himself to his friend's rooms, and found the little gentleman-notwithstanding that he was expecting a breakfast partystill luxuriating in bed. His curly black wig reposed on its block
on the dressing table, and the closely shaven skull that it daily
decorated shone whiter than the pillow that it pressed; for
although Mr. Bouncer considered that night-caps might be worn
by " long-tailed babbies," and by " old birds that were as bald as
coots," yet, he, being a young bird -though not a babydeclined to ensconce his head within any kind of white covering,
after the fashion of the portraits of the poet Cowper. The smallness of Mr. Bouncer's dormitory caused his wash-hand-stand to
be brought against his bed's head; and the little gentleman had
availed himself of this conveniency, to place within the basin a
blubbering, bubbling, gurgling hookah, from which a long stem
curled in vine-like tendrils, until it found a resting place in Mr.
Bouncer's mouth.  The little gentleman lay comfortably propped
on pillows, with his hands tucked under his head, and his knees
crooked up to form  a rest for a manuscript book of choice




TIIE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          89
" crams," that had been gleaned by him from those various fields
of knowledge from which the true labourer reaps so rich and ripe
a store. Huz and Buz reposed on the counterpane, to complete
this picture of Reading for a Pass.
"The top o' the morning to you, Giglamps!" he said, as he
saluted his friend with a volley of smoke-a salute similar as to
the smoke, but superior, in the absence of noise and slightness of
expense, to that which would have greeted Mr. Verdant Green's
approach had he been of the royal blood-" here I am! sweating
away, as usual, for that beastly examination." (It was a popular
fallacy with Mr. Bouncer, that he read very hard and very regularly.) "I thought I'd cut chapel this morning, and coach up
for my Divinity paper. Do you know who Hadassah was, old
feller?"
"No! I never heard of her."
"Ha! you may depend upon it, those are the sort of questions
that pluck a man;" said Mr. Bouncer, who thought-as others
like him have thought-that the getting up of a few abstruse proper
names would be proof sufficient for a thorough knowledge of the
whole subject.  "But I'm not going to let them gulph me a
second time; though, they ought not to plough a man who's been
at Harrow, ought they, old feller? 
"Don't make bad jokes."
So I shall work well at these crams, although, of course, I




O0         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
shall put ob my examination coat, and trpst a good deal to my
cards, and watch papers, and shirt wristbands, and so on."
"I should have thought," said Verdant, "that after those sort
of crutches had broken down with you once, you would not fly
to their support a second time."
"Oh, I shall though!-I must, you know!" replied the infa4
tuated Mr. Bouncer.  "The Mum cut up doosid this last time
you've no idea how she turned on the main, and did the briny!
and, I must make things sure this time. After all, I believe it
was those Second Aorists that ploughed me."
It is remarkable, that, not only in Mr. Bouncer's case, but in
many others, also, of a like nature, gentlemen who have been
plucked can always attribute their totally-unexpected failures to
a Second Aorist, or a something equivalent to "the salmon," or
"the melted butter," or "that glass of sherry," which are recognised as the causes for so many morning reflections. This curious circumstance suggests an interesting source of inquiry for the
speculative.
"Well!" said Mr. Bouncer meditatively; "I'm  not so sorry,
after all, that they cut up rough, and ploughed me. It's enabled
me, you see, to come back here, and be jolly. I shouldn't have
known what to do with myself away from Oxford. A man can't
be always going to feeds and tea-fights; and that's all that I have
to do when I'm  down in the country with the Mum —she likes
me, you know, to do the filial, and go about with her. And it's
not a bad thing to have something to work at! it keeps what you
call your intellectual faculties on the move. I don't wonder at
thingumbob crying when he'd no more whatdyecallems to conquer! he was regularly used up, I dare say."
Mr. Bouncer, upon this, rolled out some curls of smoke from
the corner of his mouth, and then observed, " I'm glad I started
this hookah!'the judicious Hooker,' ain't it, Giglamps. it is so
i-lly, at night, to smoke oneself to sleep, with the tail end of it
in one's mouth, and to find it there in the morning, all ready for
a fresh start.  It makes me get on with my coaching like a house
on fire."
Here there was a rush of men into the adjacent room, who
hailed Mr. Bouncer as a disgusting Sybarite, and, flinging their
caps and gowns into a corner, forthwith fell upon the good fare
which Mr. Robert Filcher had spread before them; at the same
time carrying on a lively conversation with their host, the occupant of the bed-room. "Well! I suppose I must turn out, and
do tumbles!" said Mr. Bouncer.  So he got up, and went into




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN'91
bis tub; and, presently, sat iown comfortably to breakfast, in
his shirt-sleeves.
When Mr. Bouncer had refreshed his inner man, and strength.
ened himself for his severe course of reading by the consumption oi
a singular mixture of coffee and kidneys, beef steaks and beer; and
when he had rested from his exertions, and had resumed his pipe
-which was not "the judicious Hooker," but a short clay,
smoked to a swarthy hue, and on that account, as well as from
its presumed medicatory power, called "the Black Doctor,"-just
then, Mr. Smalls, and a detachment of invited guests, who hbd
been to an early lecture, dropped in to breakfast. Huz and Buz,
setting up a terrific bark, darted towards a minute specimen of
the canine species, which, with the aid of a powerful microscope,
might have been discovered at the feet of its proud proprietor,
Mr. Smalls.  It was the first dog of its kind imported into Oxford,
and it was destined to set on foot a fashion that soon bade fair to
drive out of the field those long-haired Skye-terriers, with two or
three specimens of which species, he entered the room.
" Kill'em, Lympy!" said Mr. Smalls to his pet, who, with an
extreme display of pugnacity, was submitting to the curious and
minute inspection of Huz and Buz.  " Lympy " was a black and
tan terrier, with smooth hair, glossy coat, bead-like eyes, cropped
ears, pointed tail, limbs of a cobwebby structure, and so diminutive in its proportions, that its owner was accustomed to carry it
inside the breast of his waistcoat, as a precaution, probably,
against its being blown away.  And it was called " Lympy," as
an abbreviation of " Olympus," which was the name derisively
given to it for its smallness, on the lucus a non lucendo principle
that miscalls the lengthy "brief" of the barrister, the " living "
-not-sufficient-to-support-life —of the poor vicar, the uncertain
"certain age," the unfair "fare," and the son-ruled " governor."
"Lympy" was placed upon the table, in order that he might




92         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
be duly admired; an exaltation at which Huz and Buz and the
Skye-terriers chafed with jealousy. " Be quiet, you beggars! he's
prettier than you! " said Mr. Smalls; whereupon, a mild punster
present propounded the canine query, " Did it ever occur to a
cur to be lauded to the Skyes?" at which there was a shout of
indignation, and he was sconced by the unanimous vote of the
company.
" Lympy ain't a bad style of dog," said little Mr. Bouncer,
as he puffed away at the Black Doctor.  " He'd be perfect, if he
hadn't one fault."
"And what's his fault, pray? " asked his anxious-owner.
" There's rather too much of him! " observed Mr. Bouncer,
gravely.  " Robert! " shouted the little gentleman to his scout;
"Robert! doose take the feller, he's always out of the way when
he's wanted." And, when the performance of a variety of octaves
orr the post-horn, combined with the free use of the speakingtrumpet, had brought Mr. Robert Filcher to his presence, Mr.
Bouncer received him  with objurgations, and ordered another
tankard of beer from the buttery.
In the mean time, the conversation had taken a sporting turn.
"Do you meet Drake's to-morrow?" asked Mr. Blades of Mr
Four-in-hand Fosbrooke.
"No! the old Berkshire," was the reply.
" Where's the meet?"
"At Buscot Park.  I send my horse to Thompson's, at the
Farringdon-Road station, and go to meet him by rail"
"And, what about the Grind?" asked Mr. Smalls of the company generally.
"Oh yes!" said Mr. Bouncer, "let us talk over the Grind.
Giglamps, old feller, you must join."
"Certainly, if you wish it," said Mr. Verdant Green, who,
however, had as little idea as the man in the moon what they
were talking about.  But, as he was no longer a Freshmah, he
was unwilling to betray his ignorance on any matter pertaining
to college life; so, he looked much wiser than he felt, and saved
himself from saying more on the subject, by sipping a hot spiced
draught, from a silver cup that was pushed round to him.
" That's the very cup that Four-in-hand Fosbrooke won at the
last Grind," said Mr. Bouncer.
"' Was it indeed!" safely answered Mr. Verdant Green, who
looked at the silver cup (on which was engraven a coat of arms
with the words "Brazenface Grind. -Fosbrooke,"), and wondered
what'' a Grind " might be. A medical student would have told




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN... 9~
him  that a "Grind" meant the reading up for an examination
under the tuition of one who was familiarly termed' a Grinder "a process which Mr. Verdant Green's friends would phrase as
"' Coaching " under " a Coach;" but the conversation that followed
upon Mr. Smalls' introduction of the subject, made our hero
aware, that, to a University man, a Grind did not possess any
reading signification, but a riding one. In fact, it was a steeplechase, slightly varying in its details according to the college that
patronised the pastime. At Brazenface, " the Grind " was usually
over a known line of country, marked out with flags by the gentleman (familiarly known as Anniseed) who attended to this business,
and full of leaps of various kinds, and various degrees of stiffness.
By sweepstakes and subscriptions, a sum  of from ten to fifteen
pounds was raised for the purchase of a silver cup, wherewith to
grace the winner's wines and breakfast parties; but, as the winner
had occasionally been known to pay as much as fifteen pounds
for the day's hire of the blood horse who was to land him first at
the goal, and as he had, moreover, to discharge many other little
expenses, including the by no means little one of a dinner to the
losers, the conqueror for the cup usually obtained more glory
than profit.
"^I suppose you'll enter Tearaway, as before?" asked Mr. Smalls
of Mr. Fosbrooke.
" Yes! for I want to get him in condition for the Aylesbury
steeple-chase," replied the owner of Tearaway, who was rather
too fond of vaunting his blue silk and black cap before the eyes
of the sporting public.
"You've not much to fear from this man," said Mr. Bouncer
indicating (with the Black Doctor) the stalwart form of Mr.
14*




94        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
Blades&  "Billy's too big in the Westphalias. Giglamps, you're
the boy to cook Fosbrooke's goose. Don't you remember what
old father-in-law Honeywood told you,-that you might, would,
should, and could, ride like a Shafto? and lives there a man with
soul so dead,-as Shikspur or some other cove observes-who
wouldn't like to show what stuff he was made of? I can put you
up to a wrinkle," said the little gentleman, sinking his voice to a
whisper. "Tollitt has got a mare who can lick Tearaway into
fits. She is as easy as a chair, and jumps like a cat. All that
you have to do is to sit back, clip the pig-skin, and send her
at it; and, she'll take you over without touching a twig. He'd
promised her to me, but I intend to cut the Grind altogether; it
interferes too much, don't you see, with my coaching. So I can
make Tolitt keep her for you. Think how well the cup would
look on your side-board, when you've blossomed into a parient,
and changed the adorable Patty into Mrs. Verdant. Think of
that, Master Giglamps!"
Mr. Bouncer's argument was a persuasive one, and Mr. Verdant Green consented to be one of the twelve gentlemen, who
cheerfully paid their sovereigns to be allowed to make their appearance as amateur jockeys at the forthcoming Grind. After
much debate, " the Wet Ensham course " was decided upon; and
three o'clock in the afternoon of that day fortnight was fixed for
the start. Mr. Smalls gained kudos by offering to give the luncheon at his rooms; and the host of the Red Lion, at Ensham,
was ordered to prepare one of his very best dinners, for the winding up of the day's sport.
" I don't mind paying for it," said Verdant to Mr. Bouncer,
"if I can but win the cup, and show it to Patty, when she comes
to us at Christmas."
" Keep your pecker up, old feller I and put your trust in old
beans," was Mr. Bouncer's reply.




THE AI'IENTURES OF MR. VERDANT OGRE,           E
CHAPTER XII.
MR. VERDANT GREEN TAKES HIS DEGREE.
DuRING the fortnight that intervened between Mr. Bouncer's
breakfast party aiid the Grind, Mr. Verdant Green got himself
into training for his first appearance as a steeple-chase rider, by
practising a variety of equestrian feats over leaping-bars and
gorse-stuck hurdles; in which he acquitted himself with tolerable
success, and came off with fewer bruises than might have been
expected. At this period of his career, too, he strengthened his
bodily powers by practising himself in those varieties of the' manly exercises" that found most favour in Oxford.
The adoption of some portion of these was partly attributable
to his having been made a Mason; for, whenever he attended the

meetings of his Lodge, he had to pass thie two rooms where Mr.,
MacLaren conducted his fencing-school and gymnasium. The
fencing-room-which was the larger of the two, and was of the




6i         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
same dimensions as the Lodge-room above it-was usually tenanted
by the proprietor and his assistant, (who, as Mr. Bouncer phrased
it, "put the pupils through their paces,") and re-echoed to the
sounds of stampings, and the cries of " On guard! quick! parry I
lunge! " with the various other terms of Defence and Attack,
uttered in French and English. At the upper end of the room,
over the fire-place, was a stand of curious arms, flanked on either
side by files of single-sticks. The centre of the room was left
clear for the fencing; while the lower end was occupied by the
parallel bars, a regiment of Indian clubs, and a mattress apparatus for the delectation of the sect of jumpers.
Here Mr. Verdant Green, properly equipped for the purpose,
was accustomed to swing his clubs after the presumed Indian
manner, to lift himself off his feet and hang suspended between
the parallel bars, to leap the string on to the mattress, to be
rapped and thumped with single-sticks and boxing-gloves by any
one else than Mr. Blades (who had developed his muscles in a
most formidable manner), and to go through his parades of quarte
and tierce with the flannel-clothed assistant.  Occasionally he
had a fencing bout with the good-humoured Mr. MacLaren, who
— professionally protected by his padded leathern plastron-.
politely and obligingly did his best to assure him, bott by precept
and example, of the truth of the. wise old saw, " uiens sana in
corpore sano."
The lower room at MacLaren's presented a very different ap




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           97
pearance to the fencing-room.  The wall to the right hand, as
well as a part of the wall at the upper end, was hung aroundnot
"With pikes, and guns, and bows,"
like the fine old English gentleman's,-but, nevertheless,
"With swords, and good old cutlasses,"
and foils, and fencing masks, and fencing gloves, and boxing
gloves, and pads, and belts, and light white shoes. Opposite to
the door, was the vaulting-horse, on whose wooden back the
gymnasiast sprang at a bound, and over which the tyro (with
the aid of the spring-board) usually pitched himself headlong.
Then, commencing at the further end, was a series of poles and
ropes-the turning pole, the hanging poles, the rings, and the
trapeze,-on either or all of which the pupil could exercise
himself; and, if he had the skill so to do, could jerk himself from
one to the other, and finally hang himself upon the sloping ladder, before the momentum of his spring had passed away.
Mr. Bouncer, who could do most things with his hands and




98         THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
feet, was a very distinguished pupil of Mr. MacLaren's; for the
little gentleman was as active as a monkey, and-to quote his
own remarkably figurative, expression-was " a great deal livelier
than the Bug and Butterfly. "*
Mr. Bouncer, then, would go through the full series of gymnastic performances, and finally pull himself up the rounds of
the ladder, with the greatest apparent ease, much to the envy of
Mr. Verdant Green, who, bathed in perspiration, and nearly dislocating every bone in his body, would vainly struggle (in attitudes like to those of " the perspiring frog" of Count Smorltork)
to imitate his mercurial friend, and would finally drop exhausted
on the padded floor.
And, Mr. Verdant Green did not confine'himself to these
indoor amusements; but studied the Oxford Book of Sports in
various out-of-door ways.  Besides his Grinds, and cricketing,
and boating, and hunting, he would paddle down t6 Wyatt's, for
a little pistol practice, or to indulge in the exciting amusement
of rifle-shooting at empty bottles, or to practise, on the leaping
and swinging poles, the lessons he was learning at MacLaren's,
or to play at skittles with Mr. Bouncer (who was very expert in
knocking down three out of the four), or. to kick football until
he became (to use Mr. Bouncer's expression) " as stiff as a biscuit."
Or, he would attend the shooting parties given by William
Brown, Esquire, of University House; where blue-rocks and
brown rabbits were turned out of traps for the sport of the assembled bipeds and quadrupeds.  The luckless pigeons, and
rabbits had but a poor chance for their lives; for, if the gentleman who paid for the privilege of the shot missed his rabbit
(which was within the bounds of probability) the other guns wore
name given to Mr. Hope's Entomological Museum
A, nam    — givno H-      g
* A name given to fir. Hope's Entomological Museum,




THE ADVENTURES OF MRB. VERDANT GREEN.              99
at once discharged, and the dogs of Town and Gown let slip. A n d,
if any rabbit was nimble and fortunate enough to run this gauntlet
with the loss of only a tail or ear, and, Galatea-like,
"fagit ad salices,"
and rushed into the willow-girt ditches, it speedily fell before the
clubs of the " cads," who were there to watch, and profit by the
sports of their more aristocratic neighbours.*
Mr. Verdant Green would also study the news of the day, in
the floating reading-room  of the University Barge; and; from
these comfortable quarters, indite a letter to Miss Patty, and
look out upon the picturesque river with its moving life of eights
and four-oars sweeping past with measured stroke.  A  great
feature of the river picture, just about this time, was the crowd of
newly introduced canoes; their occupants, in every variety of brightcoloured shirts and caps, flashing up and down a double paddle,
the ends of which were painted in gay colours, or emblazoned
with the owner's crest.  But Mr. Verdant Green, with a due
regard for his own preservation from drowning, was content with
looking at these cranky canoes, as they flitted, like gaudy dragon.
flies, over the surface of the water.
* "The Vice-Chancellor, by the direction of the Hebdomadal Council,
has issued a notice against the practice of pigeon-shooting, &c., in the neigh.
bourhood of the University."-Oxjbrd Intelligence, Deor. 1854.




100        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
Fain would the writer of these pages linger over these memoirs of Mr. Verdant Green.  Fain would he tell how his hera
did many things that might be thought worthy of mention, besides those which have been already chronicled; but, this narrative has already reached its assigned limits, and, even a historian
must submit to be kept within reasonable bounds.
The Dramatist has the privilege of escaping many difficulties
and passing swiftly over confusing details, by the simple intimation, that " An interval of twenty years is supposed to take place
between the Acts." Suffice it, therefore, for Mr. Verdant Green's
historian, to avail himself of this dramatic art, and, in a very few
sentences, to pass over the varied events of two years, in order
that he may arrive at a most important passage in his hero's
career.
The Grind came off without Mr. Verdant Green being enabled to
communicate to Miss Patty Honeywood, that he was the winner
of a silver cup. Indeed, he did not arrive at the winning post
until half-an-hour after it had been first reached by Mr. Four-inhand Fosbrooke on his horse I earaway; for, after narrowly escaping a blow from the hatchet of an irate agriculturalist who
professed great displeasure at any one piesuming to come a
galloperin' and a tromplin' over his fences, Mr. Verdant Green
finally " came to grief," by being flung into a disagreeably-moist
ditch. And though, for that evening, he forgot his troubles, in
the jovial dinner that took place at the Red Lion, yet, the next
morning, they were immensely aggravated, when the Tutor told
them that he had heard of the steeple-chase, and should expel
every gentleman who had taken part in it. The Tutor, however,
relented, and did not carry out his threat; though Mr. Verdant
Green suffered almost as much as if he had really kept it.
The infatuated Mr. Bouncer madly persisted (despite the en.
treaties and remonstrances of his friends) in going into the
Schools clad in his examination coat, and padded over with a host
of crams. His fate was a warning that similar offenders should
lay to heart, and profit by; for the little gentleman was again
plucked.  Although he was grieved at this on " the Mum's" account, his mercurial temperament enabled him to thoroughly enjoy the Christmas vacation at the Manor Green, where were again
gathered together the same party who had met there the previous
Christmas. The cheerful society of Miss Fanny Green did much,
probably, towards restoring Mr. Bouncer to his usual happy frame
of mind; and, after Christmas, he gladly returned to his beloved
Oxford,leaving Brazenface, and migrating(" through circumstances




fHE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.         101
over which he had no control," as he said) to " the Tavern." But
when the time for his examination drew on, the little gentleman
was seized with such trepidation, and " funked " so greatly, that
he came to the resolution not to trouble the Examiners again, and
to dispense with the honours of a Degree. And so, at length,
greatly to Mr. Verdant Green's sorrow, and " regretted by all
that knew him,"  Mr. Bouncer sounded his final octaves and
went the complete unicorn for the last time in a College quad, and
gave his last Wine (wherein he produced some " very old port,
my teacakes!-I've had it since last term!") and then, as an
undergraduate, bade his last farewell to Oxford, with the parting
declaration, that, though he had not taken his Degree, yet that he
had got through with great credit, for that he had left behind him
a heap of unpaid bills.
By this time, or shortly after, many of Mr. Verdant Green's
earliest friends had taken their Degrees, and had left College;
and their places were occupied by a new set of men, among whom
our hero found many pleasant companions, whose names and
titles need not be recorded here.
When June had come, there was a "grand Commemoration,"
and this was quite a sufficient reason that the Miss Honeywoods
should take their first peep.at Oxford, at so favourable an oppor.
tunity.  Accordingly there they came, together with the Squire,
and were met by a portion of Mr. Verdant Green's family, and
by Mr. Bouncer; and there were they duly taken to all the lions,
and initiated into some of the mysteries of College life. Miss
Patty was enchanted with everything that she saw-even carry.




102       THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
ing her admiration to Verdant's undergraduate's gown —and wa
proudly escorted from College to College by her enamoured swain.
" Pleasant it was, when woods were green,
And winds were soft and low,"
when in a House-boat, and in four-oars, they made an expedition
(" a wine and water party," as Mr. Bouncer called it) to Nuneham
and, after safely passing through the perils of the pound-locks ol
Iffley and Sandford, arrived at the pretty thatched cottage, and
pic-nic'd in the round-house, and strolled through the nut plantations up to Carfax hill, to see the glorious view of Oxford, and
looked at the Conduit, and Bab's-tree, and paced over the little
rustic bridge to the island, where Verdant and Patty talked as
lovers love to talk.
Then did Mr. Verdant Green accompany his lady-love to
Northumberland; from whence, after spending a pleasant month
that, all too quickly, came to an end, he departed (via Warwickshire) for a continental tour, which he took in the company of
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Larkyns (nee Mary Green), who were there
for the honeymoon.
Then he returned to Oxford; and when the month of May had
again come round, he went in for his Degree examination. He
passed with flying colours, and was duly presented with that
much-prized shabby piece of paper, on which was printed and
written the following brief form:Green Verdant e Coll. AEn. Fac.
Die 28~ Mensis Maii Anni 185Examinatus, prout Statuta requirunt, satisfecit nobis
Examinatoribus.
^u J. Sit.    o  Examinatores in
Ita testamur    S.ulL. rown.    Literis HumanioJac, L.  Jones. 
R. Robinson.    ribus
Owing to Mr. Verdant Green having entered upon residence at
the time of his matriculation, he was obliged, for the present, to
defer the putting on of his gown, and, consequently, of arriving
at thefull dignity of a Bachelor of Arts. Nevertheless, he had
taken his Degree defacto, if not dejure; and he, thereiore-for




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. 7ERDANT GREEN.          ] (
reasons which will appear-gave the usual Degree dinner, on the
day of his taking his Testamur.
He also cleared his rooms, giving some of his things away,
sending others to Richards's sale-rooms, and resigning his china
and glass to the inexorable Mr. Robert Filcher, who would forthwith dispose of these gifts (much over their cost price) to the
next Freshman who came under his care.
Moreover, as the adorning of College chimney-pieces with the
photographic portraits of all the owner's College friends, had just
then come into fashion, Mr. Verdant Green's beaming countenance and spectacles were daguerreotyped in every variety of
Ethiopian distortion; and, being enclosed in miniature frames,
were distributed as souvenirs among his admiring friends.
Then, Mr. Verdant Green went down to Warwickshire; and,
within three months, travelled up to Northumberland on a special
mission.




104        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
CHAPTER THE LAST.
KR. VERDANT GREEN IS MARRIED AND DONE FOI,
LASTHOPE'S ruined Church, since it had become a ruin-which
was manya long year ago —had never held within its mouldering
walls so numerous a congregation as was assembled therein on
one particular September morning, somewhere about the middle
of the present century.  It must be confessed that this unusual
assemblage had not been drawn together to see and hear the
officiating Clergyman (who had never, at any time, been a special
attraction), although that ecclesiastical Ruin was present, and
looked almost picturesque in the unwonted glories of a clean
surplice and white kid gloves. But, this decorative appearance
of the Ruin, coupled with the fact that it was made on a week
day, was a sufficient proof that no ordinary circumstance had
brought about this goodly assemblage.
At length, after much expectant waiting, those on the outside
of the Church discerned the figure of small Jock Muir mounted on
his highly-trained donkey, and galloping along at a tearing pace
from the direction of Honeywood Hall..It soon became evident
that he was the advance guard of two carriages that were being
rapidly whirled along the rough road that led by the rocky banks
of the Swirl.  Before small Jock drey rein, he had struggled to
relieve his own excitement, and that of the crowd, by pointing to
the carriages and shouting, "Yon's the greums, wi' the t'other
priest! " the correctness of which assertion was speedily manifested by the arrival of the "grooms " in question, who were
none other than Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Frederick Delaval,
accompanied by the Rev. Mr. Larkyns (who was to' assist " at
the ceremony) and their " best men," who were Mr. Bouncer and
a cousin of Frederick Delaval's. Which quintet of gentlemen at
once went into the Church, and commenced a whispered conversation with the ecclesiastical Ruin.  These circumstances, taken
in conjunction with the gorgeous attire of the gentlemen, their
white gloves, their waistcoats "' equal to any emergency" (as Mr.
Bouncer had observedj, and the bows of white satin ribbon that
gave a festive appearance to themselves, their carriage-horses.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.            105
and postilions —sufficiently proclaimed the fact that a wedding —.
and that, too, a double one —was at hand. 
The assembled crowd had now  sufficient to engage their
attention, by the approach of a very special train of carriages,
that was brought to a grand termination by two travelling-carriages, respectively drawn by four greys, which were decorated
with flowers and white ribbons, and were bestridden by gay
postilions in gold-tasseled caps and scarlet jackets.  No wonder
that so unusual a procession should have attracted such an
assemblage; no wonder that old Andrew Graham (who was there
with his well-favoured daughters) should pronounce it " a brae
eight for weak een.'
As the clatter of the carriages announced their near approach
to Lasthope Church, Mr. Verdant Green-who had been in the
highest state of excitement, and had distractedly occupied himself in looking at his watch to see if it was twelve o'clock; in
arranging his Oxford-blue tie; in futilely endeavouring to button
his gloves; in getting ready, for the fiftieth time, the gratuity
that should make the Ruin's heart to leap for joy; in longing for
brandy and water; and in attending to the highly-out-of-place
advice of Mr. Bouncer, relative to the sustaining of his " pecker"
-Mr. Verdant Green was thereupon seized with the fearful
apprehension that he had lost the ring; and, after an agonising
and trembling search in all his pockets, was only relieved by
finding it in his glove (where he had put it for safety) just as the
double bridal procession entered the church.
Of the proceedings of the next hour or two, Mr. Verdant
Green never had a clear perception.  He had a dreamy idea of
seeing a bevy of ladies and gentlemen pouring into the church, in
a mingled stream of bright-coloured silks and satins, and darkcoloured broadcloths, and lace, and ribbons, and mantles, and
opera cloaks, and bouquets; and, that this bright stream, followed
by a rush of dark shepherd's-plaid waves, surged up the aisle, and,
dividing confuaedly, shot out from their centre a blue coat and
brass buttons (in which, by the way, was MSr. Honeywood), on
the arms of which were hanging two white-robed figures, partially
shrouded with Honiton-lace veils, and crowned with orange
blossoms.
Mr. Verdant Green has a dim remembrance of the party being
marshalled to their places by a confused clerk, who assigned' the
wrong brides to the wrong bridegrooms, and appeared excessively
anxious that his mistake should not be corrected. Mr. Verdant
Green also had an idea that he himself was in that state of mind




106        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
in which he would passively have allowed himself to be united to
Miss Kitty Honeywood, or to Miss Letitia Jane Morkin (who
was one of Miss Putty's bridesmaids), or to Mrs. Hannah More,
or to the Hottentot Venus, or to any one in the female shape who
might have thought proper to take his bride's place. Mr. Verdant
Green also had a general recollection of making responses, and
feeling much as he did when in for his vivi voce examination at
college; and of experiencing a difficulty when called upon to
place the ring on one of the fingers of the white hand held forth
to him, and of his probable selection of the thumb for the ring's
resting place, had not the bride considerately poked out the
proper finger, and assisted him to place the golden circlet in its
assigned position. Mr. Verdant Green had also a misty idea
that the service terminated with kisses, tears, and congratulations;
and, that there was a great deal of writing and signing of names
in two documentary-looking books; and that he had mingled
feelings that it was all over, that he was made very happy, and
that he wished he could forthwith project himself into the middle
of the next week.
Mr. Verdant Green had also a dozy idea that he was guided
into a carriage by a hand that lay lovingly upon his arm;
and, that he shook a variety of less delicate hands that there
were thrust out to him in hearty northern fashion; and, that
the two cracked old bells of Lasthope Church made a lunatic
attempt to ring a wedding peal, and only succeeded in producing
music like to that which attends the hiving of bees; and, that
he lumped into the carriage, amid a burst of cheering and Godblessings; and, that he heard the carriage-steps and door shut to
with a clang;, and that he felt a sensation of being whirled on by
moving figures, and sliding scenery; and, that he found the
carriage tenanted by one other person, and that person, his WIFE.
"My darling wife! My dearest wife! My own wife! "  It
was all that his heart could find to say. It was sufficient, for the
present, to ring the tuneful changes on that novel word, and to
clasp the little:hand that trembled under its load of happiness,
and to press that little magic circle, out of which the necromancy
of Marriage should conjure such wonders and delights.
The wedding breakfast-which was attended, among others,
by Mr. and Mrs. Poletiss (nee Morkins), and by Charles Larkyna
and his wife, who was now
" The mother of the sweetest little maid
That ever crow'd for kisses,"



THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.          107
the wedding breakfast, notwithstanding that it was such a substantial reality, appeared to Mr. Verdant Green's bewildered
mind to resemble somewhat the pageant of a dream. There was
the usual spasmodic gaiety of conversation that is inherent to
bridal banquets, and toasts were proclaimed and honoured, and
speeches were made-indeed, he himself made one, of which he
could not recal a word.  Sufficient let it be for our present purpose, therefore, to briefly record the speech of Mr. Bouncer, who
was deputed to return thanks for the duplicate bodies of bridesmaids.
Mr. Bouncer (who with some difficulty checked his propensity
to indulge in Oriental figurativeness of expression) was understood to observe, that on interesting occasions like the present,
it was the custom for the youngest groomsman to return thanks
on behalf of the bridesmaids; and that he, not being the youngest,
had considered himself safe from this onerous duty.  For though
the task was a pleasing one, yet it was one of fearful responsibility. It was usually regarded as a sufficiently difficult and
hazardous experiment, when one single gentleman attempted to
express the sentiments of one single lady; but when, as in the
present case, there were ten single ladies, whose unknown opinions
had to be conveyed through the medium of one single gentleman,
then the experiment became one from which the boldest heart
might well shrink.  He confessed that he experienced these
emotions of timidity on the present occasion. (Cries of " Oh!")
He felt, that to adequately discharge the duties entrusted would
require the might of an engine of ten-bridesmaid power. He
would say more, but his feelings overcame him. (Renewed cries
of " Oh!")  Under these circumstances he thought that he had
better take his leave of the subject, convinced that the reply to
the toast wolula be most eloquently conveyed by the speaking
eyes of the ten blooming bridesmaids. (Mr. Bouncer resumes his
seat amid great approbation.)
Then the brides disappeared, and after a time made their
re-appearance in travelling dresses. Then there were tears and
"doubtful,oys,' and blessings, and farewells, and the departure
of the two carriages-and-four (under a brisk fire of old shoes) to
the nearest railway station, from whence the happy couples set
out, the one for Paris, the other for the Cumberland Lakes; and
it was amid those romantic lakes, with their mountains and
waterfalls, that Mr. Verdant Green sipped the sweets of the
honeymoon, and realised the stupendous fact that he was a
married man.




108        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
The honeymoon had barely passed, and November had come,
when Mr. Verdant Green was again to be seen in Oxford —a
bachelor only in the University sense of the term, for his wife
was with him, and they had rooms in the High Street.  Mr.
Bouncer was also there, and had prevailed upon Verdant to invita
his sister Fanny to join them  and be properly chaperoned by
Mrs. Verdant.  For, that wedding-day in Northumberland had
put an effectual stop to the little gentleman's determination to
refrain from the wedded state, and he could now say with Benedick, "When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I
should live till I were married."  But Miss Fanny Green had
looked so particularly charming in her bridesmaid's dress, that
little Mr. Bouncer was inspired with the notable idea, that he
should like to see her playing first fiddle, and attired in the still
more interesting costume of a bride.  On communicating this
inspiration (couched, it must be confessed, in rather extraordinary
language) to Miss Fanny, he found that the young lady was far
from averse to assisting him to carry out his idea; and in further
conversation with her, it was settled that she should follow the
example of her sister Helen (who was " engaged " to the Rev.
Josiah Meek, now the rector of a Worcestershire parish), and
consider herself as " engaged" to Mr. Bouncer.  Which facetious
idea of the little gentleman's was rendered the more amusing
from its being accepted and agreed to by the young lady's parents
and " the Mum."  So here was Mr. Bouncer again in Oxford,
an " engaged " man, in company with the object of his affections,
both being prepared as soon as possible to follow the example of
Mr. and Mrs. Verdant Green.
Before Verdant could " put on his gown," certain preliminaries
had to be observed. First, he had to call, as a matter of courtesy, on the head of his College, to whom he had to show his
Testamur, and whose formal permission he requested that he
might put on his gown.' Oh yes!" replied Dr. Portman, in his monosyllabic tones,
as though he were reading aloud from a child's primer; " oh yes,
cer-tain-ly! I was de-light-ed to know that you had pass-ed, and
that you have been such a cred-it to your col-lege. You will
o-blige me, if you please, by pre-sent-ing your-self to the Dean
of Arts."  And then Dr. Portman shook hands with Verdant,
wished him good morning, and resumed his favourite study ol
the Greek particles.
Then, at an appointed hour in the evening, Verdant, in cornm
pany with other men of his college, went to the Dean of Arts,




THE ADVENTURES O01 MR. VERDANT GREEN.         109
who heard them read through the Thirty-nine Articles, and dismissed them with this parting intimation-" Now, gentlemen!
I shall expect to see you at the Divinity School in the morning
at ten o'clock.  You must come with your bands and gown, and
fees; and be sure, gentlemen, that you do' not forget the fees!"
So in the morning Verdant takes Patty to the Schools, and
commits her to the charge of Mr. Bouncer, who conducts her and
Miss Fanny to one of the raised seats in the Convocation House,
frcrn whence they will have a good view of the conferring of Degrees.  Mr. Verdant Green finds the precincts of the Schools
tenanted by droves of college Butlers, Porters, and Scouts, hanging about for the usual fees and old gowns, and carrying blue
bags, in which are the new gowns. Then-having seen that Mr.
Robert Filcher is in attendance with his own particular gownbe struggles through, the Pig-market,* thronged with bustling
* The derivation of this word has already been given. See Part L p. 4Q
15




110        THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.
Bedels and University Marshals, and other officials.  Then, as
opportunity offers, he presents himself to the senior Squire Bedel
in Arts, George Valentine Cox, Esq., who sits behind a table,
and, in his polite and scholarly manner, puts the usual questions
to him, and permits him, on the due payment of all the fees, to
write his name in a large book, and to place  "Fil. Gen." * after
his autograph. Then he has to wait some time until the superior
Degrees are conferred, and the Doctors and Masters have taken
their seats, and the Proctors have made their apparently insane
promenade.t
Then the Deans come into the ante-chamber to see if the men
of their respective Colleges are duly present, properly dressed,
and have faithfully paid the fees. Then, when the Deans, having
satisfactorily ascertained these facts, have gone back again into
the Convocation House, the Yeoman Bedel rushes forth with his
silver' poker," and summons all the Bachelors, in a very preci
pitate and far from impressive manner, with " Now, then, gentlemen! please all of you to come in! you're wanted 1"  Then the
Bachelors enter the Convocation House in a troop, and stand in
the area, in front of the Vice-Chancellor. and the two Proctors.
Then are these young men duly quizzed by the strangers present,
especially by the young ladies, who, besides noticing their own
friends, amuse themselves by picking out such as they suppose to
have been reading men, fast men, or slow men-taking the face
as the index of the mind. We may be sure that there is a young
married lady present who does not indulge in futile speculations
of this sort, but fixes her whole attention on the figure of Mr.
Verdant Green.
Then the Bedel comes with a pile of Testaments, and gives one
to each man; Dr. Bliss, the Registrar of the University, administers to them the oath, and they kiss the book. Then the Deans
present them to the Vice-Chancellor in a short Latin form; and
then the Vice-Chancellor, standing up uncovered, with the
Proctors standing on either side, addresses them in these words:' Domini, ego admitto vos ad lectionem cujuslibet libri Logices
Aristotelis; et' insuper earum  Artium, quas et quatenus per
Statuta audivisse tenemini; insuper autoritate mea et totius
universitatis, do vobis potestatem intrandi scholas, legendi, disputandi, et reliqua omnia faciendi, quae ad gradum Baccalaurei in
Artibus spectant."
* i.e., Filius Generosi-the son of a gentleman of independent means.
t See note, Part L p. 109.




THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN.           Ill
When the Vice-Chancellor has spoken these remarkable words
which, after three years of university reading and expense, grant
so much that has not been asked or wished for), the newly-made
Bachelors rush out of the Convocation House in wild confusion,
and stand on one side to allow the Vice-Chancellarian procession
to pass. Then, on emerging from  the Pig-market, they hear
St. Mary's bells, which sound to them sweeter than ever.
Mrs. Verdant Green is especially delighted with her husband's
voluminous bachelor's gown and white-furred hood (articles which
Mr. Robert Filcher, when helping to put them on his master in
the ante-chamber, had declared to be' the most becomingest
things a as was ever wore on a gentleman's shoulders"), and forthwith carries him off to be photographed while the gloss of his
new glory is yet upon him. Of course, Mr. Verdant Green and
all the new Bachelors are most profusely "capped;" and, of
course, all this servile homage although appreciated at its full
worth, and repaid by shillings and quarts of buttery beer-of
course it is most grateful to the feelings, and is as delightfully
intoxicating to the imagination as any incense of flattery can be.
What a pride does Mr. Verdant Green feel as he takes his
bride through the streets of his beautiful Oxford! how  complacently he conducts her to lunch at the c   onfetioner's who ha
upplied their wedding-cake! how he escorts her (under the pro




112         TAE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREE
tence of making purchases) to every shop at which he has dealt,
that he may gratify his innocent vanity in showing off his charming bride! how boldly he catches at the merest college acquaint.
ance, solely that he may have the proud pleasure of introducing
My wife!"
But what said Mrs. Tester, the bed-maker?  " Law bless you,
sir!" said that estimable lady, dabbing her curtseys where there
were stops, like the beats of a conductor's baton-" Law bless
you, sir! I've bin a wife meself, sir. And I knows your feelings."
And what said Mr. Robert Filcher?  "Mr. Verdant Green,"
said he, " I'm sorry as how you've done with Oxford, sir, and
that we're agoing to lose you. And this I will say, sir! if ever
there was a gentleman I were sorry to part with, it's you, sir.
But I hopes, sir, that you've got a wife as'll be a good wife to
you, sir; and make you ten times happier than you've been in
Oxford, sir!"
Aud a say we.
~~~~-~~~~~~~




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A LIFE FOR A LIFE.-.        do.             do.    $1.75
Charlotte Broute (Currer Bell).
JANE EYRE.-A novel.  With illustration.  I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE PROFESSOR. —do..      do..      do.    $1.75
SHIRLEY.-. do..    do..      do.    $1.75
VILLETTE. —.  do..    do..      do.    $1.75
Hand-Books of Society.
THE HABITS OF GOOD SOCIETY; thoughts, hints, and anecdotes,
concerning nice points of taste, good manners, and the art
of making oneself agreeable..        1.2mo. cloth, $1.75
TsE ART OF CONVERSATION.-A sensible and instruafive work,
that ought to be in the hands of every one who wishes to
be either an agreeable talker or listener. 12mo. cloth, $I.50
ARTS OF WRITING, READING, AND SPEAKING.-An excellent book
for self-instru6tion and improvement.   12mo. cloth, $1.50
AKND-BOOKS OF SOCIETY.-The above three choice volumes
bound in extra style, full gilt ornamental back, uniform in
appearance, and in a handsome box...       o




6               LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED
Mrs. Mlary J. Holmes' Works.
LNwA RI'ERS.-..    A novel.  12mo. cloth, $i.5s
DARKNESS AND DAYLIGHT.-'      do.   do..   I,.5o
fEMiPST AND SUNSHINE -           d           do.   do.    $1.50
i RIAN GREY.-..          d do..   do.. $I.50
WMiDOW BROOK.-.   do.                     do..   $150
IsNLISH ORPHANS.-.  do..   do.. $1 a,ORA DEAN. —...             do.. do.. $ 
0OUSIN MAUDE.-...                   do..   do..50
HOMESTEAD ON THE HILLSIDE.       do          do...  1.50
KUGH WORTHINGTON..           do          do..do..5o
THE CAMERON PRIDE.-.  do.  do..  I.5
ROSE MATHER.-...      do..   1.50
ETHELYN'8 MISTAKE.-7USf Publishedo..    do..        $1.50
lisPs Augunsta J. Evans.
BEULAH.-A novel of great power..   12mo. cloth, $175
MACARIA.-    do.         do..             do.. $75
ST. ELMO.-    do.       do.                 do.. $2.00
VASHTI -     do.       do. 7ust Published.  do. $2.00
Victor Hugo.
LES MIS^RABLES.-The celebrated novel.  One large 8vo volume, paper covers, $2.00;... cloth bound, $2.50
LES MISERABLES.-Spanish. Two vols., paper, $4.00; cl., $5.00
JARGAL.-A new novel.  Illustrated.      I2mo. cloth, $I.75
CLAUDE GUEUX, and Last Day of Condemned Man. do.  $1.50
Algernon Charles Swinburne.
LAUS VENERIS, AND OTHER POEMS.-.    Imo. cloth, $1.75
Captain layne Reld's Works-Illustrated.
THESOALP HUNTERS.-       A romance.    12mo. cloth, $1.75
THE RIFLE RANGERS..   do..      do.. $1.75
THE TIGER HUNTER.-           do..      do.. $1.75
OSCEOLA, THE SEMINOL.-.   do..      do.. $1.75
THE WAR TRAIL.-..   do..      do'.$1.75
THE HUNTER'S FEAST.-.   do..      do.. $1.75
RANGERS AND REGULATORBS.-    do..      do.    $.75
THE WHITE CHIEF-.         do.             do.. do..    75
rns QUADROON.-.      do..      do..75
"^'  WILD HUNTRESS.-         do..      do.  $1 7S
VE WOOD RANGERa.-,   do..      do.. $1.75
WILD LIF.-         ~          o..           do..  do...7
tHE MAROON.-.                do..      do,.   17
OST LEONOR.-..   do..      do.    $1.75
TE HEADLESS HORSEMAN. —      do.             do.. $1.75
nE WHITE aoAUTLBT.-  7ygf Publked.           dao. $1.75




~ Y OARILTfON, PUBS78tIS, SIW YOXS.           8
A. S. Roe's Worke.
& Lono LOOK AHEAD.-    A novel.         12mo. cloth, $i.5o
to LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. —  do...      do.      $I.5o
IM  AND TIDE.-            do..   do.       $xI.5
V'VE BEEN THINKING. -     do..            do.      $1.go
fti STAR AND THE (LOUD.-   do...       do.      $1I 5
tRUE TO THE LAST.-        do...        do.      $1. So
aow OOULD JE HELP IT?-   do..,        do.      $1.5
lKE AND UNLIKE.-          do..,       do.      $1.50
OOKING AROUND.-           do..            do.      $1.50
WOMAN OUR ANGEL.-         do..            do.      $..o.
MRH CLOUD ON THE HEART. —                  do.      $1.50
Orpheus C. Kerr.
THE ORPHEUS O. KERR PAPERS.-Three vols.  I2mo. cloth,$1.50o
SMOKED GLASS.-New comic book.  Illustrated,   do.  I$.5o
AVERY GLIBUN.-A powerful new novel.-    8vo. cloth, $2.00
Richard B. Kimball.
WAS HE SUCCESSFUL?-   A novel.          I2mo. cloth, $1.75
UNDERCURRENTS.-         do...        do.      $1.75
SAINT LEGER.-           do...        do.      $1.75
ROMANCE OF STUDENT LIFE.-do..           do.      $1.75
IN THE TROPICS.-        do...        do.      $1.75
HENRY POWERS, Banker.  do...             do.      $1.75
TO-DAY. —A novel.  7uistpublised..      do.      $1.75
Comic Books-Illustrated.
&RTEMUS WARD, His Book.-Letters, etc.      12mo. cl., $I.50
DO.    His Travels-Mormons, etc.   do.   $1.5e
DO.    In London. —Punch Letters.   do.   $1.50
DO.    His Panorama and Lecture.    do.   $1.50
JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, and other things.-     do.   $1.50
Do.    His Boek of Proverbs, etc.       do.   $I.50
WIDOW SPRIlGINS.-By author " Widow Bedott." do.    $1.75
FOLLY AS IT FLIES.-By Fanny Fern...do.    $I.50
OORRY O'LANUs.-His views and opinions.. do.    $1.50
VERDANT GREEN.-A racy English college story. do.   $1.50
CONDENSED NOVELS, ETC.-By F. Bret Harte.     do.   $1.50
THE SQUIBOB PAPERS.-By John Phoenix.. do.   $1.50
KILES 0 REILLY. —His Book of Adventures.. do.    $1.50
*                 "          Brick 9 Pomeroy.
SENSs.-An illustrated vol. of fireside musings. 12mo. cL. $.50
NONSENSE.-    d do    do.  comic sketches.    do.  $t.5G
OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS. do.  pathos and sentiment.    $1.50
Joseph Rodman Drake.
THE CULPRIT FAY.-A faery poem... I2mo. cloth, $1.25
THE CULPRIT FAY.-An illustrated edition.  Ioo exquisite illustrations... 4to., beautifully printed and bound. $5.'o




6                LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED
Children'r  Books-Illus trated.
THE ART OF AMUSING.-With 150 illustrations. i2mo. cl., $1.50
FRIENDLY COUNSEL FOR GTRs.-A charming book. do.   $1.50
TIlE CHRISTMAS FONT. —yB  Mary J. Holmes.        do.   $I.oc
ROBINSON CRUSOE.-A Complete edition..    do.   $I.50
tUIE'S LAST TERM. —By author "Rutledge."        do.   $1.75
ROTNDIJEARTS, and other stories.-   do..    do.   $1 75
FASTIMES WITH MY LITTLE FRIENDS.-.           do.   $1.50
WILL-O'-THE-WISP.-From  the German..    do.   $i.$)
1W. IX.icheletes Remarkable Works. 
r,TOCF ( tL.NiouR). —Translated from the French. 12mo. cl., $T.50
WOUAN (LA FEMME).-             do.              do....
Ernest Relnan.
THE LIFE O" JESUS.-Translated from the French. I2mo.cl.,$.75
THE APOSTLES.-..    do...        do.   $1.75
SAINT PAUL.-.      do...      do.   $1.75
Popular Italiaal Novels.
DOCTOR ANTONIO.-A love story.  By Ruffini. I2mo. c., $1.75
BEATRIuE CENCI.-By Guerrazzi, with portrait.    do.   $1.75
Rev. John Cummina.l^,  Db.., of Lontdon.
THE OtIAT TRIBULATION.-Two series.        I2mo. cloth, $T.50
THE GREAT PREPARATION.-      do..         do.    $1.5a
THE GREAT CONSUMMATION.    do..         do.    $r.50
THE LAST WARNING CRY.-..         do.    $.50
l.r#,. Ritchie (Antna Cora ltow ratt).
PArRY FINGERs.-A capital new novel..  i2mo. cloth, $i.75
THE MUTE SINOGR.-        do..       do.    $1.75
THE CLERGYMAN'S WIFE-and other stories,         do.    $1.75
T. S. Arkthlir  New Works.
LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS.-A novel.          I2mo. cloth, $1.50
OUT IN THE WORLD.-.    do...    do.    $1.50
ROTHING BUT MAONEY.-.  do...    do.    $1.50
WHAT CAME AFTERWARDS.-         do...    do.    $1.5
OUR NEaGHBOS... do. do.   1.50
Geo. \W. Carleton.
1TR ARTIST IN CUBA.-With 50 comic illustrationlS.. $,I.5:OUR ARTIST IN PERU.-    do.       do.          $1.50
oUR ARTIST IN AFRICA.-(n fi ress)  do..       $1.5
John Esten Cooke.
FAIRFAX.-   A brilliant new novel..       I2mo. cloth, $I.75
HILT TO HILT.-          do,..       do.     $1I50
HAMMER AND RAPIER.-  do...             do.     $1.50
OUT OF THE FOAM.-   do.         In press.      do.     $1.75




BY G. W. CARLETON        NEW YORK.            I
How  to Make Money
aDn HOW TO KEEP IT.-A practical, readable book, that ought
to be in the hands of every person who wishes to earn
money or to keep what he has. One of the best books ever
published.  By Thomas A. Davies.   12mo. cloth, $1.50
J. Cordy Jeallreson.
A BOOK ABOUT LAWYERS. —A collection of interesting anec.
dotes and incidents connected with the most distinguished
members of the Legal Profession..  12mo. cloth, $2.00
Fred. Saunders.
WOMAN, LOVE, AND MARRIAGE.-A  charming  volume about
three most fascinating topics...    I2mo. cloth, $1.50
Edmunud Kirke.
AMONG THE PINES.-Or Life in the South.  i2mo. cloth, $1.50
MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS.-    do...         do.    $1.50
DOWN IN TENNESSEE. —--    do..      do.   $.50
ADRIFT IN DIXIE. —         do...        do.    $1.50
AMONG THE GUERILLAS.-      do.                 do.    $1.50
Charles Reade.
THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH.-A magnificent new  novelthe best this author ever wrote..    8vo. cloth, $2.00
Thle Opera.
TALES FROM THE OPERAS.-A collection of clever stories, based
upon the plots of all the famous operas. i2mo. cloth, $i.5o
Robert B. Roosevelt.
THE GAME-FISH OF THE NORTH.-Illustrated. 12mo. cloth, $2.00
SUPERIOR FISIING.-               do.           do.    $2.00
THE GAME-BIRDS OF THE NORTH.-.. do.    $2.00
By the Althor of " Rutledge."
RUTLEDGE.-A deeply interesting novel.   I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE SUTHERIANDS.-        do..             do.. $1-75
FRANK WARRINGTON.-    do...            do.. $1.75
ST. PHILIP'S.-           do...         do.. $1.75
LOUIE'S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY'S..        do.. $1.75
ROUNDHEARTS AND OTHER STORIES.-For children. do.. $1.75
A ROSARY FOR LENT.-Devotional Readings.       do.. $1.75
Love In Letters.
A collection of piquant love-letters..    I2mo. cloth, $2.00
Dr. J. J. Craven.
THE PRISON-LIFE OF JEFFERSON DAVIS.-.    I2mo. cloth, $2.00
Walter Barrett, Clerk.
THE OLD MERCHANTS OF NEWV YORK.-    Five vols. cloth,$Io.oc
H. T. Sperry.
COUNTRY LOVE VS. CITY FLIRTATtON.-.    12m0. cloth, $2.oo




8         BOOAtiS PPUBLISTSD.BY G. W. CARLEO tN
Aisell1aneous Works.
THE HONEYMOON. —A humorous story, with illustrations.  $i.5o
WOMEN AND THEATRES.-A new book, by Olive Logan. $I.5.
WARwICK.-A new novel by Mansfield Tracy Walworth. $ I.7 
SIBYL HUNTINGTON.-A novel by Mrs. J. C. R. Dorr.. $I.75
LIVING WRITERS OF THE SOUTH.-By Prof. Davidson.. $2.00
STRANGE VISITORS-.A book from the Spirit World.. $I.50
tP BROADWAY, and its Sequel.-A story by Eleanor Kirk. $.50
MILITARY RECORD, of Appointments in the U.S. Army. $5.oo
HONOR BRIGHT.-A new American novel... $1.50
MALBROO. —      do.      do.    do.... $1.50
GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY.-    do.    do,                $I.75
ROBERT GREATHOUSE.-A new novel by John F. Swift. $2.00
THE GOLDEN CROSS, and poems by Irving Van Wart, jr. $I.50
ATHALIAH.-A new novel by Joseph H. Greene, jr.. $.75
REGINA, and other poems.-By Eliza Cruger.. $1.50
THE WICKEDEST WOMAN IN NEW YORK.-By C. H. Webb.    50
MONTALBAN.-A new American novel.... 75
MADEMOISELLE MERQUEM.-A novel by George Sand.. $1I75
THE IMPENDING CRISIS OF THE SOUTH.-By H. R. Helper. $2.oo
KoJOQUE-A Question for a Continent.-    do.. $2.00
PARIS IN 1867.-By Henry Morford.. $1.75
THE BISHOP'S SON.-A novel by Alice Cary... $1.75
CRUISE OF THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER.-ByCapt. Semmes. $1.50
HELEN COURTENAY.-A novel, author " Vernon Grove."  $1.75
SOUVENIRS OF TRAVEL.-By Madame OctaviaW. LeVert. $2.00
VANQUISHED.-A novel by Agnes Leonard... $75
WILL-O'-THE-WISP.-A child's book, from the German. $I.50
FOUR OAKS.-A novel by Kamba Thorpe....        75
THE CHRISTMAS FONT.-A child's book, by M. J. Holmes. $I.oo
POEMS, BY SARAH T. BOLTON.      $I.50
MARY BRANDEGEE-A novel by Cuyler Pine... $1.75
RENSHAWE.-        do.           do... $1.75
MOUNT CALVARY.-By Matthew Hale Smith... $2.00
PROMETHEUS IN ATLANTIS. —A prophecy.... $2.00
TITAN AGONISTES.- An American novel... $2.00
THE MONTANAS.-A novel by Sallie J. Hancock...$I.75
PASTIMES WITH LITTLE FRIENDS.-Martha Haines Butt.  $I.5c
TREATISE ON DEAFNESS.-By Dr. E. B. Lighthill... $.5c
CHINA AND THE CHINESE.-By W. L. G. Smith... $1.50
THE RUSSIAN BALL.-An Illustrated Satirical Poem..    50
THE SNOBLACE BALL.-       do.          do..    5c
AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER. —By Thomas A. Davies.;,$1.50
COSMOGONY.-By Thomas A. Davies...                 $2.oc
RURAL ARCHITECTURE.-By M. Field. Illustrated.. $2.oc