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THE LEISURE HOUR SERIES.
A collection of works whose character is light and entertaiing, though not trivial. While they are handy for the
pocket or the satchel, they are no.t, either in contents or appearance, unworthy of a place on the library shelves. 16io,
cloth, price $1.25 per volume.
LA TEST VOL UMESS:
Alcestis. A New' Musical Novel.
Richardson, S.
CLASUSSA HARLOWE. (Condensed for Modern RHeaders.)
Turgenieff, Ivan.
SPRING FLOODS AND A LEAR OF THE STEPPE.
Hardy, Thomas.
DESPERATE REMEDIES.
VOL UITES PRE VIO USL Y PUBLISHED:
About, E. Freytag, Gustav.
THE MAN WITH THE BnROKEE EA. INGO. Translated by Mrs. Malcolm.
I THE TNOTI.RY'S NOSE. INGRABAN.'
Alexander, Mrs. Goethe, J. W. Von.
WHICH SHALL 1T BE? ELECTIVE AFFINITIES.
THE VWOOING O'T. Hardy, Thomas.
Auerbach, Berthold. UNDER THE GREENWOOD TRaBL
TlH VI XITIA ON'TIE RHlIN. Trans- A PAIR OF BIUE EYikS.
la( by ames a)7is. W 1ith Heine, Heinrich.
P'1ortrait. 2 1 ils. SCINTILLATIONS FROM TI[E PRnoS
PIIACK FOKKST VIJLLAGE STORIFIS. WORKS. Translated by S. A. St-n. t.'rans.vlaed [by Charles CoeffA. II-
lustratedf. Jenkin, Mrs. C.
THE,ITTI,. BAIRFO()T. Translate(d HO BREAKS-PAYS.
by i /iza Buckmincister L ee. ls- SIR ISHII.
iZra/edg. A PSYCHE OF TO-1)AY.
JOSEirl IN TIII SNOW. Illustrated. MADAME DR BAI.
lDrI F:wISS. 7-ranslatedt by //cn it JUPITER'S DAUGHTERS.
Priothin:ozamz. My Little Lady.
(GlERKMAN TALES. Palgrave, W. G.
Calverley, C. S. HERMAN AGHA.
I FLY-LEAVES. A volume ofverses. Parr, Louisa. (Author "Dorothy Foz.")
HERO CARTHEW.
Cherbuliez, Victor, Slip in the Fens, A. Illustrated.
JOSEPH NOIREL'S REVENGE. Trans- Spielhagen, F
lated by WIm. F. W1'est, A. N. I
i Iated.F.est.A..SJ. W I WHAT THE SWALLOW SANG. TransCOUNT KOSTIA. Translated by 0. D. Ited by MS.
An~shlb~ey. ~Turgenieff, Ivan.
PROSPER. Translated by Carl Benson. FATHR ND SONS. Translated by
Craven, Mme. A. E'uenee Schltyler.
FLEITRANGE. Translated by M. M. I. SMOKE. T'ralnslated by W1T. F. West.
Droz, Gustave. | LIZA. Translated hbyW. R. S. Rtaleton.
BABOLAIN. Translated by iS. ON TIlE EVE. Translated by C. E.
AROUND A SPRING. Translated by Turner..MS. eYetw edition, revised. DIMITRI ROTDINE.
l'Where readers htae no retail stores wnithin reach, Me.srs. IF:NRIY HIOLT & Co.
will send their publications. post-paid, on receipt of the advertised price.
\ To any one sendinl address, Descriptive Cireulars
will be Ilailed as often as the publication of inew books
j ustifies.
25 Bond St., N. Y., Jul/ 20th. 1874.
BY THE SAME AUTHOR AND TRANSLATOR
(Leisure-Hour Series)
THE NOTARY'S NOSE
THE MAN WITH THE BROKEN EAR
LEISURE HOUR SERIES
THE
NOTARY'S NOSE
TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH
OF,
EDMOND ABOUT
BY
HENRY HOLT
NEW YORK
HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY
1874
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, by
HENRY HOLT,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
Maclauchlan, Stereotyper,
146 & 147 Mulberry St., near Grand, N. Y.
JOHIN F. TROW & SON, PRINTERS,
205-213 EAST I2TH ST., NEW YORK.
THIS TRANSLATION
IS
WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT
DEDICA TED
TO
EDWARD B. DICKINSON,
A STENOGRAPHER WHO NOT ONLY, BY HIS SKILL IN HIS ART, RELIEVED THE
TRANSLATOR OF MUCH LABOR, BUT BY HIS AMIABLE DISPOSITION,
GOOD TASTE, AND KNOWLEDGE OF MANY TONGUES, WENT
BEYOND HIS MERE PROFESSIONAL DUTY TO FREQUENTLY OFFER THE RIGHT WORD WHEN
THE TRANSLATOR HESITATED, AND
TO SOMETIMES SUGGEST A
BETTER WORD THAN THE
TRANSLATOR HAD
UTTERED.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER PAGE
I.-The East and West at War-Blood flows......... I
II.-The Cat Chase................................ 26
III.-In which the Notary takes Care of his Skin more
successfully..............,.........., 62
IV.-Shebashtian Romagne.................... go
V.-Pride and a Fall...................... I08
VI. âThe History of a Pair of Spectacles, and the Consequences of a Cold in the Head............. 39
Uncle and Nephew................................ 183
Notes, (referred to by numbers in the text)............ 239
THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
I.
THE EAST AND WEST AT WAR.
BLOOD FLOWS.
MASTER' ALFRED L'AMBERT, before the
fatal blow which obliged him to change
his nose, was certainly the most brilliant
notary in France. At that time, he was
thirty-two years old; his figure was noble, his eyes large and well set, he had
"the front of Jove himself," and beard
and hair of the blond tint most approved. His nose (the noblest feature
that ever bore the name) had the sweep
of the eagle's beak. Yet, notwithstand
2 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
ing perfections so eminently masculine,
a white cravat became him admirably.
Was it because he had worn one from
his tenderest years, or because he knew
the right shop? I suppose it was for
both reasons together.
It is one thing to envelop one's neck
in a pocket-handkerchief twisted into a
rope, but it is a vastly different thing to
concentrate the resources of art upon a
perfect white cambric tie, with ends of
equal length, starched in moderation and
symmetrically pointingto the right and left.
A white cravat, well selected and well tied,
is by no means a graceless decoration; all
the ladies will tell you so. But the mere
getting it on right is not the whole thing;
you must wear it right too: and that is a
matter of experience. Why does a clodhopper appear so awkward and utterly
lost on his wedding-day? Simply because
he has got himself tied up in a white
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 3
cravat, without preparing himself with
preliminary study.
Now, a man can get used in no time
to the most extraordinary head-gear,-a
crown, for example. There was that soldier Bonaparte, who picked up one which
a king of France had let drop in the
Place Louis XV., and got himself up in it
without taking lessons of anybody; yet
Europe declared that it was by no means
unbecoming. He even after a while
made crowns quite the fashion among his
family and intimate friends. Everybody
around him either wore one or wanted to.
Yet that extraordinary man was but an
indifferent hand at wearing a white tie.
There was Monsieur le Vicomle de
C, author of several prose poems,
who had studied diplomacy, or the art of
tying one's cravat, to some purpose. He
was present at the review of our last army
a few days before the Waterloo campaign.
4 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
What do you suppose stirred his soul at
that heroic fJte, where blazed forth the
desperate enthusiasm of a great people?
The fact that Bonaparte's tie did not set
well.
Few men could contest the supremacy
of this peaceful field with Master Alfred
l'Ambert. I call him L'Ambert, not
Lambert2; there is a decision of the conseil d'Etat on that question. Master
l'Ambert succeeding his father, practised
his profession of notary as a birthright.
For two centuries and more, that glorious
family had transmitted from father to son
the office in the Rue Verneuil, and the very
highest clientage in the Faubourg Saint
Germain.
There was no way of telling what the
practice was worth, as it had never been
out of the family; but judging from the
income of the five years preceding, it
could not be called less than four hundred
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 5
thousand francs-that it to say, it netted,
year in. and year out, about twenty thousand dollars. For two centuries and more,
the eldest sons had worn the white cravat
of their office as naturally as crows wear
black feathers, drunkards red noses, or
poets seedy clothes. Legitimate heir of
a name and fortune of no mean pretensions, little Alfred had sucked in sound
principles with his milk. He duly detested all the novelties which had been
introduced into French politics after the
catastrophe of I789. In his eyes, the
French nation was made up of three
classes: the clergy, the nobility, and the
commonalty-a very respectable opinion,
and held even now by a few senators. He
modestly counted himself among the foremost of the commonalty; not, however,
without some secret pretensions to the nobility conferred by the judicial robe. He
held in loftiest scorn the bulk of the
6 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
French nation-that collection of peasants
and mechanics which is called "the people," or "the common herd." He came
in contact with them as little as possible,
out of regard to his admirable person,
which he loved and took care of with passionate fervor. Lithe, healthy, and vigorous as a pickerel, he was satisfied that
"those people"' were a sort of small fry,
created by Providence expressly that they
might nourish their high mightinesses the
pickerel.
A charming fellow, nevertheless, like
nearly all egoists; popular with the lawyers, at his club, among the notaries, at
church and at the fencing-school, a good
fencer, a good drinker, a generous lover
so far as his heart was touched, a faithful
friend to men in his own sphere, a most
accommodating creditor, so far as he
loaned out his income; refined in his
tastes, exquisite in his dress, fresh as a
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 7
new coin, assiduous on Sunday at the ceremonies in the church of St. Thzomas
d'Ayuin, and on Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays, at those in the green-room
of the Opera,-he would have been the
most perfect " gentleman"3 of his time, in
appearance and character, if he only had
been free from a deplorable near-sightedness which condemned him to wear
glasses. Is it necessary to add that his
glasses were in gold frames-the finest,
lightest, and most elegant that were ever
made at the establishment of the celebrated Mathieu Luna, quai des Orffvres.
He did not wear them always, but only
at his office, or at a client's, when he had
documents to read. You may well believe,
that Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,
when he entered the ballet green-room, he
took particular care to unmask his fine
eyes. No biconcave glass then veiled the
brilliancy of his glance. He did not see
8 TIHE NOTARY S NOSE.
anything, I am perfectly satisfied, and
sometimes bowed to a mere walking-lady,
taking her for a star; but he had the resolute air of an Alexander entering Babylon.
Moreover the little girls of the corps de
ballet, who usually nicknamed people, had
dubbed him "Conqueror." An amiable
fat Turk, secretary to the embassy, had
received the name "Tranquillity." A
member of the council of State, was called
"Melancholy;" the head secretary of the
---- office, a man of quick and awkward
gait, was called M. Turlu. That is why
little Elise Champagne, also known as
Champagne II., received the name of
"Turlurette; " when she left the coryphdes
to raise herself to the rank of suje/.4
My country readers (if this veracious
history should ever happen to pass beyond
the fortifications of Paris) will deliberate
a minute or two over the preceding paragraph. Even from here, I can hear a
THE NOTARY S NOSE.
thousand and one questions which they
mentally address to the author. "What
is the ballet green-room? And the corps
de-ballet? And the opera stars? And the
coryphdes? And the sujets? And walking-ladies? And government secretaries
who stray into such a world, at the risk
of fastening nicknames to themselves?
And finally, how happens it that a man of
established position and regular habits, a
man of principle like Master Alfred l'Ambert should be, three times a week, in the
ballet green-room. Ah! dear friends, it is
precisely because he was a man of established position and regular habits-a man
of principle. The ballet green-room was
then a large square room, furnished with
old red velvet sofas, and frequented by
all the leading men of Paris. There you
could meet not only with financiers, cabinet
ministers and their secretaries, but even
dukes, princes, deputies, prefects, and
10 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
senators most devoted to the temporal
power of the Pope. There was even no
lack of prelates. There you could see
married ministers, and even the most completely married of all our ministers. When
I say you could see them there, it is not
because I have seen them myself. You will
understand very well that poor devils of
journalists could not get in there as if it
were a mill. A cabinet minister holds
the keys of that garden of the Hesperides
in his own hands. No one can get in
without his Excellency's permission. You
should bear in mind, too, the rivalries, jealousies, and intrigues. How many cabinets have been overthrown on the most
diverse pretexts, but at bottom because all
the statesmen wanted to reign supreme
in the ballet green-room. Don't think for
a moment that such personages were
drawn there by appetite for interdicted
pleasures. They were burning with desire
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. II
to encourage one of the most aristocratic
and politic of the arts.
The course of years has possibly
changed all this; for Master l'Ambert's
adventures were not of this week. Nevertheless they do not date back to the most
hidden antiquity. But reasons of eminent
propriety prevent me from naming the exact year when that officer of the civil service exchanged his aquiline nose for a
straight one. That is the reason why I
vaguely said "at that time," as story-tellers
do. Suffice it to say that these events took
place somewhere in the world's history, between the burning of Troy by the Greeks,
and the burning of the summer palace at
Pekin by the English army: two memorable halting-places in European civilization.
A contemporary and client of Master
1'Ambert, the Marquis d'Ombremule, said
one evening at the Cafe Anglais: " What
distinguishes us from common men, is
12 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
our liking for the ballet. The common
herd goes crazy over music; claps its
hands over Rossini's operas, and Donizetti's, and Auber's. It would seem as if a
million little notes, mixed up like a salad,
have something about them to tickle the
ears of such people. They carry the thing
to the ridiculous extent of sometimes singing themselves, with their great rasping
voices; and the police permit them to assemble in certain public halls, to murder
some of the minor airs. Much good may
it do them! As for me, I don't listen to
an opera at all; I watch it; I go in
time for the ballet, and after it I clear out.
My worthy grandmother has told me that
all the Court ladies of her time went to
the opera for nothing but the ballet. They
didn't refuse any encouragement to the
dancinggentlemen. Now our time is come.
It is our function to take care of the dancing ladies-" Honi soil qui maly pense!"
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 13
There was the little Duchess de Bietry
-young, pretty, and neglected; she was
weak enough to find fault with the ways
of conducting himself at the opera, which
her husband had fallen into.
" Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" she
said to him, " to leave me alone in your box,
with all your friends, while you run off
the Lord knows where?"
"Madam," he answered, " where one is
trying to get an embassy, oughtn't he to
study politics?"
" Perhaps; but there are better schools
in Paris, I fancy."
" None at all. Let me tell you, my
dear child, that the ballet and politics are
twins. To endeavor to please, by courting the public; to keep your eyes on the
leader of the orchestra; to control your
face; to change the color of your dress
every moment; to hop from right to left,
and from left to right; to spin round lightly;
14 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
to always land on your feet; to smile with
your eyes full of tears; isn't that, in a few
words, the programme of the ballet, and
of politics? "
The duchess smiled, forgave him, and
took a lover.
Great lords like the Duke de Bidtry,
statesmen like Baron de F â, great
millionnaires, like little M. St., and
mere notaries like the hero of this story,
elbowed each other, pell-mell, in the ballet
green-room and side scenes of the stage.
They were all equal before the ignorance
and nazvetd of those twenty-four little innocents, who compose the ballet. They
are called the subscribers. They are
smiled upon freely; they are prattled with
in little corners; their bon-bons, and even
their diamonds are accepted as a mere
matter of politeness, not committing their
receivers to anything.
The world is entirely wrong in fancying
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 15
that the opera is a market for easy pleasure, and a school for libertinage. More
virtue can be found there than in any
other theatre in Paris. And why? Because virtue brings a better price there
than anywhere else.
Is it not interesting to make a close study
of this little populace of young girls, almost
all springing from very low origin, and
able in no time to rise so high by talent
or beauty? Fed upon dry bread and
green apples in some workman's garret or
porter's lodge, they come to the theatre in
gingham and old shoes, and slip off furtively to dress themselves. Half an hour
afterward, they come down to the greenroom, radiant, sparkling, covered with
silk and gauze and flowers, all at the expense of the state, and more brilliant than
the fairies, angels, the houris of our
dreams. Ministers and princes kiss their
hands, and whiten their own dress coats
i6 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
with the powder off the girls' arms. They
babble into their ears all sorts of madrigals
old and new, which sometimes are understood. Some of these girls have motherwit, and talk well; these are soon carried
away.
A tap of the bell calls the fairies to the
stage. The crowd of subscribers follows
them even to the beginning of the act,
holds them back and engrosses them behind the side scenes. Brave subscriber,
who risks the fall of the scenery, the spots
of lamp oil, the greatest variety of stenches,
for the pleasure of hearing a little voice,
slightly hoarse, murmur these charming
words:
" Jiminy! don't my feet hurt! "
The curtain rises, and the twenty-four
queens of an hour joyously frisk under the
lorgnettes of an enraptured public. There
is not one of them who does not see,
or think she sees among the audience,
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 17
two, three, ten adorers, known or unknown.
What a fgte for the girls till the curtain
falls! They are pretty, decked up, gazed
after, admired, and have nothing to fear
from criticisms or hisses. Midnight
sounds; everything is changed as in the
fairy tale. Cinderella starts with her
mother or with her big sister, toward the
cheap garrets of Batignolles or Montmartre. She limps a trifle, poor little one!
and spatters her gray stockings. The
good and wise mother of the family, who
has placed all her hopes on the head of
this child, repeats over again, on the way,
a few lessons in wisdom.
"Keep the straight path in life, my
daughter, and don't allow yourself to fall;
or, if the fates absolutely decide that such
misfortune shall reach you, be very careful to fall upon a rosewood bed!"
The counsels of experience are not
2
I8 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
always followed. Sometimes the heart
speaks. Sometimes the dancing girls are
known to marry the dancing men. Sometimes little girls as pretty as Venus Anadyomene have been known to save a hundred thousand francs' worth of jewelry,
that they might lead to the altar a clerk
on two thousand a year. Others leave
the care of their future to chance, and are
the despair of their families. One concludes to wait until the tenth of April before disposing of her heart, because she
has sworn to herself that she would keep
steady until she should be seventeen.
Another finds a protector to her taste, but
does not dare to say so; she dreads the
vengeance of a treasury auditor, who has
vowed to kill her and himself, if she should
love anybody else. He is joking, as you
understand very well. But in this little
world they take people's words in earnest.
How naive they are, and ignorant of
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 19
everything! Why even two great girls,
sixteen years old, have been heard disputing over the nobility of their origin, and
the rank of their families.
"Just look at that girl," said the larger;
"her mother's ear-rings are silver, and my
father's are gold."
Master Alfred l'Ambert, after long deliberating between brunette and blonde,
had ended up by becoming enamored of a
pretty brunette with blue eyes. Mademoiselle Victorine Tompain was a knowing creature, as they generally are at the
opera, even on matters where they ought
not to be; well brought up too, and incapable of making any important decision
without consulting her parents. For
about six months she had been pressed
pretty closely by the handsome notary,
and by Ayvaz-Bey, that fat Turk, twentyfive years old, who was known by the nickname of " Tranquillity." Both had had
20 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
some serious talks with her, in regard to
her future. Respectable Madame Tompain held her daughter in a judicious middle course, waiting until one of the two
rivals should decide to talk business with
her.
The Turk was a good fellow, honest,
staid, and timid. He spoke up, nevertheless, and was listened to.
Everybody learned this little secret in
good time, except Master l'Ambert, who
was off burying an uncle in Poitiers.
When he got back to the opera, Mlle.
Victorine Tompain had a diamond bracelet; diamond ear-rings, and a diamond
heart like a chandelier hanging from her
neck.
The Notary was near-sighted. I think
I told you so at the outset. He did not
see anything that he ought to have seen;
least of all the wicked smiles which greeted
his return. He floated about, chatted, and
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 21
shone as usual, impatiently waiting for the
end of the ballet, and the appearance of
the girls. His arrangements were made.
The future of Mlle. Victorine was fixed,
thanks to that excellent uncle in Poitiers,
who had died just in the nick of time.
The place in Paris that they call the
"Passage de' Opera," is crowded with
galleries wide or narrow, light or dark, of
various heights, which run along the boulevard, the Rue Lejpeelier, the Rue Drouot,
and the Rue Rossini. A long gallery,
open most of the way, reaches from the
Rue Drouot to the Rue Lejeletier, running
across from the Galerie du BaromUre and
the Galerie de ['Hortoge. At the lower
end of it are a couple of steps from the
Rue Drouot is the stage door of the theatre, the entrance used at night by the
artists. Every midnight, a crowd of three
or four hundred people rolls tumultuously
under the eyes of Papa Monge, the con
22 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
cierge of that paradise. Machinists,
supers, walking-ladies, choristers, dancing
girls and dancing men, tenors, sopranos,
authors, musical composers, business
managers, subscribers, all rushed out pellmell. Some go down toward the Rue
Drouot; others go up the staircase which
leads through an open gallery to the Rue
Lepeletier.
About the middle of this open passage,
near the Galerie du BaronmUre, Alfred
l'Ambert was smoking a cigar and waiting. Ten paces farther on, a little fat
man, in a scarlet fez, smoked with steady
puffs a Turkish cigarette bigger than your
little finger. Twenty other loungers, who
had some business or other there, moved
about, or looked around them, each one
intent on his own business, without paying
any attention to his neighbor. The singers passed along humming, and the male
sylphs, getting along as easily as they
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 23
could, in old shoes, passed by, limping;
and every minute or two a female shadow,
shrouded in black, gray, or purple, slid
along between the infrequent gas lights,
unrecognizable to all eyes except the eyes
of love.
Two would meet, join each other and
start off, without saying any good-byes to
the company. But stop! Suddenly there
arises a strange noise, an unusual tumult.
Two of these shadowy forms have passed;
two men have run together; two lighted
cigars have approached each other; people have heard noisy voices, as if there
were some hasty quarrel. Promenaders
have crowded together at one point. But
they have not found anybody. Master
Alfred l'Ambert goes down all alone toward his carriage, which was waiting for
him on the boulevard. He shrugs his
shoulders, and mechanically examines this
card, spotted by a large drop of blood:
24 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
AYVAZ-BEY,
SECRETAIRE DE L'AMBASSADE OTTOMA4NE,
RUE DE GRENELLE, SAINT-GERMAIN, I00.
Listen to what he says between his
teeth, this handsome notary of the Rue de
Verneuil;
"A foolish affair! Devil take me if I
knew that she had given any control over
herself to that beast of a Turk! for it was
certainly he. Why didn't I have my spectacles on? It looks as if I had struck him
on the nose with my fist;-yes, his card
is spotted, and so are my gloves. Here I
am with a Turk on my hands, and all
through my awkwardness! For I didn't
have any ill-will toward the fellow; and
the girl is of no consequence to me, after
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 25
all. He's got her, and I hope he'll take
care of her. Two sensible fellows are not
going to cut each others' throats for Mlle.
Victorine Tompain; but that confounded
blow-that spoils everything."
That is what he said between his teeth,
his thirty-two teeth, whiter and sharper
than those of a young wolf. He sent his
coachman back home, and started off
slowly on foot towards the Cercle des
Chemins de fer. There he found two
friends, and told them what had happened.
The old Marquis de Villemaurin, an excaptain of the royal guard; and young
Henri Steimbourg, a stock-broker, both
agreed that the blow spoiled everything.
CHAPTER II.
THE CAT CHASE.
A TURKISH philosopher has said:
"There are no agreeable blows administered by the fist; but blows on the nose
are the most disagreeable of all."
The same thinker justly adds, in the
chapter immediately following: " To strike
a man before the woman he loves, is to
strike him twice; you wound the body and
the soul."
That is why Ayvaz-Bey, who was a patient man, grew red with anger, while he
took Mile. Tompain and her mother to the
apartment which he had furnished for
them. He bade them good-bye at the
door, jumped into a carriage, and drove,
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 27
bleeding all the while, to his colleague and
friend, Ahmed.
Ahmed slept, under the guardianship of
a faithful Afreet. Although it is written:
"Thou shalt not wake thy sleeping friend,"
it is also written, "Wake him, nevertheless, if danger impends over him or thee."
The good Ahmed was awakened. He
was a tall Turk, about thirty-five years old,
thin and lank, with long bow-legs; an excellent fellow withal, and a man of sense.
There is something good among these
people, whatever you may say. As soon
as he saw the bloody face of his friend,
he forthwith brought him a great basin of
fresh water. For it is written, " Take no
thought before washing off thy blood; thy
thoughts would be troubled and impure."
Ayvaz was washed off a good deal
sooner than he was calmed. He told his
story in a rage. The Afreet, who found
himself in the position of a third party to
28 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
the conversation, offered to take his scimitar, and go and kill M. l'Ambert.
Ahmed-Bey thanked him for his good
disposition, and kicked him out of the
room.
" And now," said he to the good Ayvaz,
" what shall we do?"
"That's simple enough," replied the
other. "I'll cut his nose off to-morrow
morning. The lex talionis is written in
the Koran:'an eye for an eye, a tooth for
a tooth, a nose for a nose.' "
Ahmed remonstrated that though the
Koran was certainly a good book, it had
grown a little out of date. Maxims on
points of honor had changed some since
Mahomet. Moreover, on the ground that
the law should be applied to the very letter, Ayvaz would have to strike M. l'Ambert on the nose with his fist.
" What right have you got to cut off his
nose, since he has not cut off yours? "
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 29
But does a young man who has had his
nose mashed in the presence of his mistress ever listen to reason? Ayvaz wanted
blood, and Ahmed had to promise it.
" It's all very well," said he; " we represent our country in a strange land; we
ought not to receive an affront without
proving our courage. But how can you
fight a duel with M. l'Ambert according to
the rules of this country? you know nothing of the small sword."
" What have I got to do with the small
sword? I want to cut his nose off, I tell
you; and a small sword wouldn't be of
any use in what I'm after."
" If you only were anything of a hand
with a pistol- "
" Are you crazy? what do I want with
a pistol, to cut the nose off an impudent
puppy? I-yes-the thing is fixed; go
and find him and arrange everything for
to-morrow; we will fight with sabres."
30 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
" But, my dear fellow, what will you do
with a sabre? I don't doubt your
courage; but I must say, without meaning
to offend you, that you are not quite as
skilful as Pons."
" What difference does that make? get
up, and go tell him to hold his nose subject to my orders to-morrow morning."
Ahmed was a sensible fellow, and
understood that logic would be entirely
out of place, and that he was reasoning
against the wind. What would be the use
in preaching to a deaf man who held on to
his idea like the Pope to the temporal
power? So he dressed himself, took
along his first dragoman Osman-Bey, who
had just gotten in from the Imperial Club,
and drove to Master l'Ambert's. The time
was perfectly unseasonable; but Ayvaz
would not stand the loss of a single moment. No more would the god of battles;
at least everything leads me to think so.
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 31
At the very moment when the first secretary was about to ring Master l'Ambert's
bell, he met the enemy in person, who was
returning on foot, talking with his two
friends. M. l'Ambert saw the red fezes,
took in the situation, bowed, and opened
the conversation with a certain dignity
which was by no means devoid of grace.
"Gentlemen," said he to the new arrivals, "as I am the only occupant of this
house, I presume I am correct in supposing that the honor of this visit is intended
for me? I am M. l'Ambert; permit me to
show you in."
He rung, pushed the door open, went
across the court with his four nocturnal
visitors, and conducted them into his office.
There the two Turks gave him their
names, the Notary presented his two
friends to them, and left the parties face
to face.
A duel cannot take place in France
32 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
without the desire, or at least consent, of
six persons. Now there were five who
did not desire this one at all. Master
1'Ambert was a brave man; but he could
not deny to himself that a disturbance of
this kind, on account of a little danseuse
at the opera, would seriously injure his
practice. The Marquis de Villemaurin, an
old gentleman cultivated up to the highest
point in affairs of honor, declared that the
duel was a noble game, where everything,
from the beginning of the match to the
end, ought to be in strict order. Now a
blow on the nose for Mlle. Victorine Tompain was the most ridiculous opening of
the game that could be imagined. He declared, moreover, upon his honor, that M.
Alfred l'Ambert had not seen Ayvaz-Bey,
and that he did not want to strike him, or
anybody else. M. l'Ambert had thought
he recognized two ladies, and had hastily
stepped up to speak to them. In carrying
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 33
his hand to his hat, he had violently and
unintentionally struck a person who was
running up from an opposite direction.
It was a pure accident; an awkwardness
at the most. People are not supposed
to be called upon to account for accidents or even awkwardness. The rank
and education of M. l'Ambert would not
let anybody suppose that he was capable
of striking Ayvaz-Bey with his fist. His
notorious near-sightedness, and the darkness of the passage had done the damage. Finally, M. l'Ambert, with the advice of his friends, was entirely ready to
say in the presence of Ayvaz-Bey, that
he regretted having accidentally hurt
him.
This way of putting it sounded well
enough in itself, and received a sort of additional authority from the character of
the speaker. M. de Villemaurin was one
of those gentlemen who seem to have been
3
34 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
forgotten by Death for the sake of recalling historic times to our degenerate age.
The record of his birth did not allow him
more than seventy-nine years, but in his
habits and sympathies he belonged to the
sixteenth century. He thought, spoke,
and acted as a man who had served in
the Army of the League, and put the
Bearnais to flight; a royalist from conviction, an austere Catholic, he brought to his
hates and to his friendships a warmth
which exaggerated everything. His courage, his loyalty, his rectitude, and even, to
a certain degree, his eccentric chivalrousness, made him a model for the admiration of the inconsistent youth of to-day.
He never laughed, was slow to take a
joke, and felt injured by a bon-mot, as if it
indicated a lack of respect. He was the
least tolerant, the least lovable, and the
most honorable old gentleman in the world.
He had accompanied Charles X. to Scot
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 35
land, after the fatal days of July, but he
left Holyrood after being there about a
fortnight, scandalized to see that the Court
of France did not take misfortune in earnest. He forthwith sent in his resignation, and cut off his mustache forever.
This he preserved in a sort of casket with
this inscription: " Mes moustaches de lc
Garde Royale." His subordinates, officers and soldiers, held him in great esteem and in great terror. It was whispered that this inflexible man had imprisoned his only son, a young soldier of
twenty-two, for an act of insubordination.
The boy, worthy son of such a father, obstinately refused to yield, fell sick in
prison, and died. Our Brutus bewailed
his son, built a suitable tomb for him, and
visited it regularly twice a week, without
forgetting this duty in any weather, or at
any time. But he did not bend under the
burden of his remorse: he walked erect,
36 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
with a certain rigidity; neither age nor
grief had rounded his broad shoulders.
He was a stubby little man, vigorous,
and still addicted to the exercises of his
youth. He relied more on playing tennis
than on medicine, for preserving his vigorous health. At sixty, he had married
a second time, his wife being a young girl,
noble and poor. He had two children by
her, and did not despair of soon becoming
a grandfather. The love of life, so powerful in men of his age, had very moderate hold on him, although he was happy
enough here below. He had had his last
duel, when he was sixty-two, with a handsome six-foot colonel,-some say on account of politics, others say conjugal jealousy. When a man of such rank and
character undertook to act and speak in
behalf of M. l'Ambert, when he declared
that a duel between the notary and AyvazBey would be useless, compromising,
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 37
and vulgar, peace seemed signed in advance.
Such was the opinion of M. Henri
Steimbourg, who was neither young
enough nor curious enough to want to see
a duel at any price; and the two Turks,
like sensible men, at once accepted the reparation which was offered. They nevertheless asked to confer with Ayvaz; and
while they ran to the Embassy, the enemy
awaited them on the spot. It was four
o'clock in the morning; but not even a
clear conscience could give the marquis
sleep. As long as anything was left to be
settled, he could not go to bed.
But the terrible Ayvaz, at the first words
which his friends uttered regarding a reconciliation, got into a regular Turkish
rage. "Am I a fool?" he cried, brandishing the jessamine chibouk which had
kept him company; "are you trying to
persuade me that I gave myself the blow
38 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
against M. l'Ambert's fist? He struck met
and the proof is that he offers to apologize.
But what's the use of words when blood
is spilt? Can I forget that Victorine and
her mother were witnesses to my shame?
0 my friends, there is nothing left for me
to do but die, if I cannot cut the rascal's
nose off to-day! "
Nolens volens, their negotiations had
to be renewed on this somewhat ridiculous
basis. Ahmed and the dragoman had
minds reasonable enough to blame their
friend, but hearts too generous to leave
him in the lurch. If the ambassador
Hamza-Pacha had happened to be in Paris,
he would have undoubtedly stopped the
affair by some stroke of authority; but unfortunately he held the two embassies of
France and England, and was in London.
The good Ayvaz' friends flew like shuttles
between the Rue de Grenelle and the Rue de
Vernuil until seven o'clock in the morning,
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 39
without getting things on perceptibly, At
seven o'clock, M. l'Ambert lost patience,
and said to his seconds: "This Turk bores
me. HIe is not satisfied with getting little
Tompain away from me, but the gentleman
finds it to his pleasure to make me pass
a sleepless night. Very well, let us go
ahead; he may end by thinking that I'm
afraid to meet him. But now push things
through, if you please; try and finish up
the matter this morning. I will have my
horses hitched in ten minutes; we will go
a couple of leagues outside Paris. I will
bring my Turk to his senses in a jiffy, and
get back to the office before the little
newspapers that delight in scandal can get
wind of our affair."
The Marquis still tried one or two objections; but he ended by owning that M.S
l'Ambert was forced into it. Ayvaz-Bey's
stubbornness was in the worst kind of taste,
and deserved a severe lesson. Nobody
40 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
could doubt that the bellicose notary, so
favorably known in the fencing-schools,
was the professor chosen by Destiny to
indoctrinate French politeness into this
child of Islam.
" My dear boy," said old Villemaurin,
clapping his man on the shoulder, " our
position is excellent, for we have right on
our side; leave the rest to God. The result is not at all doubtful; you have a firm
heart and a quick hand. Always remember, though, that one ought not to lunge
deeply; for the duel is made to correct
fools, not to destroy them. Nobody but
a gawky would kill his man on the pretext of teaching him how to live."
The choice of arms fell by lot to our
amiable Ayvaz. But the notary and his
seconds winced a little upon learning that
he selected sabres.
" That is the weapon of soldiers," said
the Marquis, "or of vulgar fellows who
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 41
don't want to fight. Nevertheless the
sabre let it be, if you stick to it."
Ayvaz-Bey's second said that they were
very decided about it. Then they went
to seek a couple of broadswords, or short
swords, at the shop on the Quai d' Orsay,
and they agreed to meet at ten o'clock at
the little village of Parthenay, on the old
road to Sceaux. When they separated, it
was half-past eight.
Everybody in Paris knows that pretty
collection of about two hundred houses
whose inhabitants are richer, better behaved, and better educated than most of
our villagers. They till the soil as gardeners, and not as laborers; and through
the whole spring their lands are a paradise
on earth. A field of strawberry blossoms
spreads out like cloth of silver between a field
of currants and one of raspberries; whole
acres exhale the perfume of the black currant, delightful to the nose of the concierge.
42 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
Paris buys the harvest of Parthenay with
beautiful louis d'or, and the sturdy peasants whom you see trudging along slowly,
a watering-pot in each hand, are little capitalists.
They eat meat twice a day, scorn boiled
hen, and prefer roasted capon. They pay
the salaries of a schoolmaster and a doctor employed for the general good. They
have built a house for the mayor, and a
church, without running into debt, and vote
for my ingenious friend, Dr. Vron in the
elections for the Corps Legislalif. Their
girls are pretty, if my memory serves me
rightly. The learned archaeologist Cubaudet, recorder of the sub-prefecture of
Sceaux, declares that Parthenay is a Greek
colony, and that it gets its name from the
word Parthenos, a virgin or young girl (it
is all one among people of high civilization). But this discussion would lead
us away from our good Ayvaz.
Tl i NOTARY'S NOSE. 43
He reached the rendezvous first, still
raging. How proudly he paced the village
square, while waiting for the enemy! Under his mantle, he hid two formidable yataghans, excellent Damascus blades. What
did I say? Damascus? Two Japanese
blades; those that cut a bar of iron as
readily as a sprout of asparagus, if they
are swung by a good arm. Ahmed-Bey
and the faithful dragoman followed their
friend, and gave him the wisest counsels:
to attack cautiously, to expose himself the
least possible, to leap back instantly when
disposed to take a second's breathingspace-in a word, everything that could
be said to a novice going into the field
without knowing what he has got to do.
" Thanks for your hints," answered the
obstinate fellow; "there's no need of so
much ceremony in cutting the nose off a
notary."
The object of his vengeance soon ap
44 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
peared, between two spectacle-glasses, at
the window of the Notary's carriage. But
M. l'Ambert did not alight; he contented
himself with bowing. The Marquis got
out, and went to speak to the tall AhmedBey.
" I know an excellent spot, about twenty
minutes from here; be so good as to get
into your carriage again with your friends,
and follow me."
The belligerents took a cross-road, and
got out about half a mile from the houses.
" Gentlemen," said the Marquis, "we can
reach the little wood you see yonder, on
foot; the coachmen will wait for us here.
We have forgotten to bring a surgeon;
but the footman whom I left at Parthenay
will bring the village doctor."
The Turks' coachman was one of those
Parisian marauders who go about after
midnight under counterfeit numbers. Ayvaz had picked him up at Mlle. Tom
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 45
pain's door, and had held on to him even
to Parthenay. The old bummer smiled
slightly when he found that they stopped
him in the open country, and that they had
sabres under their cloaks.
" Good luck to you, boss," said he to
our brave Ayvaz. "Oh, you don't run
any risk; I always brings luck to the gents
I carries; why, only last year I brought
out one who dropped his man. He gave
me twenty-five francs drink-money. It's
true, just as I tell you."
" You shall have fifty," said Ayvaz, " if
God grants me the vengeance I seek."
M. l'Ambert was an admirable fencer,
and too well known in the schools to have
ever had occasion to fight. So, in an actual
duel, he was as inexperienced as AyvazBey. Therefore, although he had beaten
his drill masters and marshals of several
cavalry regiments in fencing, he felt a
sort of dull trepidation which had no
46 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
fear about it, but which nevertheless produced just the same effects. In the carriage, his conversation had been brilliant.
With his seconds he had displayed a gayety perfectly spontaneous, but nevertheless a little feverish. He had burned three
or four cigars on the way, under pretence
of smoking them. When they all got out,.
he walked with a firm step-a little too firm,
perhaps. At the bottom of his soul, he
was the victim of some apprehension, but
it was entirely manly and entirely French;
he distrusted his nervous system, and
feared that he would not appear as brave
as he was.
It would seem as if the powers of the
soul are doubled in the critical moments of
life. And so, although M. l'Ambert was
certainly interested in the little drama in
which he was to play a part, the most
insignificant objects of the outer world,
those which ordinarily would have at
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 47
tracted his attention the least, now riveted
it with irresistible power. To his eyes,
nature was illumined with a new light,
clearer, more penetrating, fuller than the
usual light of the sun. His preoccupation
emphasized, so to say, everything that fell
under his eyes. At a turn of the path he
noticed a cat moving stealthily between
two rows of currant-bushes. It was such
a cat as one sees a great many of in villages-a long, thin cat, with a whitish skin,
spotted in dusty brown; one of those halfsavage animals whose masters feed them
liberally with all the mice they are smart
enough to catch. This one had undoubtedly found that the house where it lived
did not sufficiently abound in game, and
was endeavoring to eke out his pittance in
the open field. M. l'Ambert's eyes, after
casually wandering toward him several
times, felt attracted and, as it were, fascinated by the aspect of that cat. He watched
48 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
him attentively, admired the suppleness of
his muscles, the vigorous outline of his
jaws, and thought he had made a discovery
in natural history when he observed that
the cat is a miniature tiger.
"What the deuce are you looking at
there? " asked the Marquis, clapping him
on the shoulder.
He came to himself at once, and
answered in the easiest manner:' That dirty beast was attracting my attention. You would hardly believe, M. le
Marquis, the bother that those rascals give
us in hunting. They eat more coveys of
partridges than we shoot. If I had a
gun-" and joining the action to the
word he took aim at the animal with his
finger. The cat seemed to understand the
motion, jumped back and disappeared.
He appeared again a couple of hundred paces farther off, and dressed his
whiskers in the midst of a cabbage
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 49
patch, while seeming to wait for the Parisians.
" Are you following us? " called out the
notary, repeating his threatening gesture.
The over-prudent beast took to flight
again, but reappeared at the edge of the
clearing where they were going to fight.
M. l'Ambert, superstitious as a gambler about to make a heavy bet, wanted to
chase away this malevolent fetish; he
threw a pebble at him without hitting him,
and the cat climbed a tree and kept still.
The seconds had already selected a
spot and drawn lots for places. The better fell to M. l'Ambert; and the lot also
decreed that they should use the weapons
he had brought, and not the Japanese yataghans, which would have been awkward
for him.
Nothing appeared awkward for Ayvas;
to him every sabre was a good sabre.
He watched his enemy's nose as a fisher4
50 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
man watches a handsome trout dangling
at the end of his line. He rapidly pulled
off all clothes which were not absolutely
indispensable, threw his red fez and green
coat on the grass, and rolled his shirtsleeves up to the elbow. It must be admitted that the sleepiest Turks wake up at
the clash of arms. This big boy, whose
face showed him every inch a Turk, appeared transfigured. His face seemed
to glow, his eyes shot flames. He took a
sabre from the Marquis' hand, stepped
back two paces, and intoned in Turkish a
poetical improvization which his friend
Osman-Bey has had the kindness to preserve and translate for us:
"I am armed for the combat; woe to
the giaour who insults me! The price of
blood is blood. Thou hast smitten me
with the hand; I, Ayvaz, son of Ruchti,
will smite thee with the sword. Thy mutilated face shall make lovely woman laugh.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 5!
Schlosser and Mercier, Thibert and Savile, shall turn from thee in scorn. The
perfume of the roses of Izmar shall be lost
to thee. May Mahomet give me strength!
I ask courage from no one. Hurrah! I
am armed for the combat."
He spoke, and threw himself upon his adversary. He attacked him en tierce, or en
quarte, I don't know which; neither does
he, nor the seconds, nor M. 1'Ambert.
But a jet of blood spurted at the end of
his sabre, a pair of spectacles glistened on
the ground, and the notary felt his head
lighter in front by the whole weight of his
nose. A little of it was left, but so little
that I only mention it for the sake of accuracy.
M. l'Ambert recoiled backwards, but
soon recovered himself, and ran about,
with his head hanging down like a blind
man or a crazy one. At the same moment,
a dark body fell from the branch of an oak.
52 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
A minute later, they noticed the approach of a little thin man, hat in hand,
followed by a tall servant in livery. This
was M. Triquet, health officer of the parish of Parthenay.
All hail to thee, worthy M. Triquet! A
brilliant Paris notary is in great need of
thy services. Put thy old hat on thy bald
head; rub off the drops of sweat glistening
on thy red cheeks like dew on a full-blown
peony, and roll back as soon as thou
canst the glossy sleeves of thy respectable black coat!
But the worthy man was too much excited to set to work at once. He talked,
talked, talked, with a thin, piping little
voice.
{" Bless my soul! " said he; " my respects
to you; I am your very humble servant.
Does Jesus permit people to get themselves in such a condition? It is a mutilation; I see what it is! Decidedly it is
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 53
too late to bring conciliatory words here;
the harm is done. Ah! gentlemen, gentlemen, youth will be always young. As
for me, I don't permit myself to be led into destroying or mutilating my kind. It
was in 1820; what did I do, gentlemen? I
made apologies; yes, apologies. And I
honor myself for it; especially as right
was on my side. You have never read
Rousseau's beautiful pages against duel
ling; it is absolutely irrefutable; it is a
literary and moral chrestomathy. And
even Rousseau has not said all that could
be said. If he had studied the human
body, that masterpiece of creation, that
admirable image of God on earth, he
would have demonstrated to you that it is
most culpable to destroy so perfect a combination. I don't say this against the person who gave the blow; God forbid! He
undoubtedly had his reasons, which I respect. But if he had only known how
54 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
much trouble it gives us poor doctors to
cure the slightest wound. It is true we
live by them, and by sickness; but what
difference does that make? I would
rather deprive myself of everything and
live on a piece of sour lard, spread over
brown bread, than to witness the sufferings of my fellow-creatures."
The Marquis interrupted this bewailing:
"Very well, doctor; we're not here
to philosophize; here's a man bleeding
like an ox; and the thing to do is to stop
the hemorrhage."
Yes, sir," he answered quickly; "'the
hemorrhage: that is the proper word.
Fortunately I have provided for everything; here is a phial of styptic fluid. It
is Brocchieri's preparation; I prefer it to
Lechelle's prescription."
He started, phial in hand, toward M.
l'Ambert, who was seated at the foot of a
tree, and bleeding piteously.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 55
" Monsieur," he said, with a profound
obeisance, "I beg you to believe that I
sincerely regret not having had the honor
of making your acquaintance under circumstances less deplorable."
M. l'Ambert raised his head, and said in
a doleful voice:
"Doctor, shall I lose my nose?"
"No, Monsieur, you will not lose it.
Alas! you no longer have it to lose, my
dear sir; you have lost it already."
While speaking, he turned the Brocchieri water on a compress.
"Heavens!" cried he, "Monsie'r, I
have an idea; I can restore you that eseful
and agreeable organ which you have lost."
"What do you say? The devil! My
fortune is yours. Ah! Doctor, rather
than live disfigured, I would die."
" Yes; so people talk. But let us see:
where is the piece they cut off? I am
not a champion of the ability of M. Velo
56 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
peau or of M. Huguier. But I would undertake to patch up things as they were
originally."
M. l'Ambert got up precipitately and
ran to the field of battle. The Marquis
and M. Steimbourg followed him. The
Turks, who were walking together, moodily
enough (for Ayvas' fire had been quenched
in a second), joined their late enemies.
They easily found the place where the combatants had trodden down the new grass.
They found the gold spectacles, but the
notary's nose was no longer there. But
they saw a cat, a horrible white and yellow cat, who was licking his bloody chops
with gusto.
" Great Heavens!" cried the Marquis,
pointing to the beast.
Everybody understood the gesture and
exclamation.
"Can there be time yet?" asked the
notary.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 57
"Possibly," said the doctor.
Then they ran; but the cat was not in
the humor of being caught, and he ran too.
Never had the little wood of Parthenay
seen, and certainly never will it again see,
such a chase. A marquis, a broker, three
diplomats, a village doctor, a footman in
gorgeous livery, and a notary, bleeding in
his handkerchief, launched desperately in
pursuit of an emaciated cat. Running,
shouting, throwing stones, dead branches,
everything which came to hand, they went
over roads and clearings, dashing with
their heads down into the closest thickets.
Sometimes together, sometimes scattered,
sometimes drawn out in echelon, sometimes ranged in a semi-circle around the
enemy; beating the bushes, shaking the
shrubbery, climbing trees, tearing their
gaiters against stumps, and their clothes
against bushes, they rushed on like a tempest. But the infernal cat was swifter than
58 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
the wind. Twice they thought they could
surround him. Twice he forced the circle
and took to the field. One moment he
seemed to be conquered by fatigue or despair. He had fallen on his side, tryingto
jump from one tree to another, as squirrels
do. M. l'Ambert's valet ran for him from
the farther end of the crowd. He reached
him in a few strides, and seized him by the
tail; but the miniature tiger conquered his
liberty by a blow of his paw, and escaped
into the woods again.
They followed him to the plain; long,
long was the road already traversed;
immense was the plain which spread out
like a chess-board before the hunters and
their prey.
The heat of the day was oppressive;
great black clouds were piled up in the west;
the sweat rolled down all their faces; but
nothing could quench the eagerness of
these eight devoted men.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 59
M. l'Ambert, all covered with blood,
spurred on his companions by word and
deed. People who have never seen a notary chasing his nose, cannot have a just
idea of his ardor. Good-by strawberries
and raspberries, farewell gooseberries and
currants. Everywhere the avalanche had
passed, the hope of the harvest was crushed,
destroyed, annihilated. There was nothing
left but bruised flowers, torn buds, broken
branches, and stalks trampled under foot.
The villagers, surprised by the invasion of
this unknown torrent, threw down their
watering-pots, called their neighbors, cried
out to the police, yelled for pay for the
damage, and gave chase to the chasers.
Victory! The cat is a prisoner. He
has thrown himself down a well. Buckets!
ropes! ladders! They are sure that
Master l'Ambert's nose will be found intact, or nearly so. But alas! this well is
not as other wells. It is the opening of
60 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
an abandoned quarry whose galleries form
a veritable net-work of more than ten
leagues, and are connected with the catacombs of Paris!
M. Triquet's fees are paid. All the villagers are paid the indemnities which they
claim; and in a heavy rain, they start back
towards Parthenay.
Before getting into his carriage, AyvazBey, wet as a duck, and entirely cooled
down, offered his hand to M. l'Ambert.
"Monsieur," said he, " I sincerely regret
that my obstinacy has pushed things so
far. Little Tompain is not worth a single
drop of the blood which has been shed for
her. I shall give her her dismissal this
very day, for I could never see her again
without thinking of the unhappiness she
has caused. You have yourself seen that
I have done my best, as have these gentlemen, to restore you what you have lost.
Nevertheless, permit me still to hope that
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 61
this accident will not prove irreparable.
The village doctor told us that in Paris
there are practitioners more skilful than he.
I think I have heard that modern surgery
has infallible secrets for restoring parts
mutilated or destroyed."
M. l'Ambert, with bad enough grace,
accepted the faithful hand which was
offered him, and with his two friends
started back for the Faubourg Saint
Germain.
CHAPTER III.
IN WHICH THE NOTARY TAKES CARE OF HIS
SKIN MORE SUCCESSFULLY.
AN unqualifiedly happy man was the
coachman of Ayvaz-Bey. That veteran
Paris gamin probably took less delight in
the fifty francs drink-money than in the
pleasure of having led his patron to
victory.
" Beg pardon, your honor," said he to
our good Ayvaz; " how you does polish
people off! It's really worth knowing
about. If ever I treads on your toes, I
makes my manners in short order. That
poor gent wouldn't find it very handy to
take a pinch of snuff now. Well, well, if
anybody ever tells me as Turks is scrubs,
I'll have something to answer back. I
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 63
brought you good luck, as I said I would.
Well, my prince, I know an old chap, from
near Brion, who's different every way from
me. He brings bad luck to folks as he
carries. Just as many as he puts into the
field, just so many gets done-up. G'lang
old gal! Let's go to glory! the horses
on the Carrousel can't make out as they're
cousins of yours to-day! "
These rather cruel witticisms could not
cheer up the three Turks. The cabman
amused nobody but himself.
In a carriage infinitely better in its appointments and horses, the notary bewailed
himself before his friends.
"It's all up with me," he said; "I'm
about as good as a dead man; there's
nothing left for me to do but blow my
brains out. It will not do for me to go.
into society any more; nor to the opera,
nor to any of the theatres. You would
not have me display to the eyes of the uni
64 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
verse a grotesque and pitable figure which
would excite laughter in some, and pity in
others."
Bah!" answered the Marquis; "the
world gets used to everything; and, at the
very worst, if you're afraid of the world,
you can stay at home."
" Stay at home! a fine prospect! Do
you believe, then, that the women would
come to pay court to me at home in the
beautiful condition in which I am?"
" You'll get married! I knew a lieutenant of cuirassiers who had lost an arm, a
leg, and an eye. He was not exactly a pet
of the petticoats, but he married a nice
girl, neither ugly nor pretty, who loved him
with all her heart, and made him perfectly
happy."
M. l'Ambert undoubtedly found this
prospect not the most consoling in the
world, for he cried out in a voice of despair:
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 65
"0 women! women! women!"
"Bless me!" said the Marquis, "how
your compass does turn toward the women. Women are not everything; there's
something else in the world. Why the
devil shouldn't a man work out his salvation? He can enlarge his soul, cultivate
his mind, help his fellow-creatures, and
discharge the duties of his position. It's
not necessary to have a nose of any given
length to be a good Christian, a good citizen, and a good notary."
"Notary! " answered the victim, with
ill-concealed bitterness. " Yes; I'm still
that. Yesterday I was a man; a man of
the world; a gentleman; and even (I may
as well say it without any false modesty)
reasonably popular among the ladies of
the best society. To-day I'm nothing
but a notary; and who knows that I shall
be even that to-morrow? It only requires an indiscretion in my valet to noise
5
66 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
about this foolish affair. Why, if a newspaper were to say two words about it, the
authorities would be obliged to prosecute
my adversary, and his seconds, and yourselves, gentlemen. Just imagine us ifi
police court, recounting to the tribunal
where and why I followed Mlle. Victorine Tompain. Fancy such a- scandal,
and tell me if my notaryship would survive it?"
" My dear boy," answered the Marquis,
" you scare yourself over imaginary dangers. People of our degree, and you are
one to some extent, have the right to cut
each other's throats with impunity. The
authorities shut their eyes to our quarrels
â and that is justice. I understand that
they bother journalists a little, and artists,
and other individuals of inferior condition,
when they venture to touch a sword. It's
just as well to remind such people that
they have fists to pound each other with,
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 67
and that such weapons are good enough
to avenge the kind of honor which they
possess. But when a gentleman acts as a
gentleman, the authorities have nothing to
say, and they say nothing. I have had
fifteen or twenty such affairs, since I left
the service; and some of them turned out
rather badly for my adversaries. Have
you ever seen my name in the Police Gazette?"
M. Steimbourg was less intimate with
M. l'Ambert than the Marquis de Villemaurin was. He had not, like the Marquis, had all his title-deeds in the office
in the Rue de Verneuil for four or five
generations; he did not even know the
two other gentlemen, except at the club,
and at whist-parties, possibly, too, through
some commissions which the notary had
thrown in his way. But he was a good
fellow, and a man of sense; and he indulged, in his turn, in a considerable ex
68 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
penditure of words, reasoning with and
consoling his unhappy friend.
As was natural to him, the Marquis de
Villemaurin had put the worst face on
matters. There was still something left to
fall back upon. To say that M. I'Ambert,
had got to remain disfigured his whole life
was to put too little confidence in science.
"What would be the use of being born
in the nineteenth century, if the least accident could become, as in old times, an irreparable misfortune? Where would be
our superiority over the people of the
golden age? Do not let us blaspheme
against the sacred name of Progress.
Operative surgery, thank God! is more
flourishing than ever in the land of Ambroise Pare. That old fellow, back at
Parthenay, named several skilful men who
patch up the human body successfully.
Here we are at the gates of Paris. We'll
send to the nearest drug-store, where
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 69
they will give us the address of Velpeau,
or Huguier; your footman will run for the
great man and bring him to your house.
I'm sure I've heard that surgeons replace a lip, an eyelid, and even an ear.
Is it more difficult, then, to restore the tip
of the nose?"
This hope was rather vague. Nevertheless it encouraged the poor notary, who
had not been bleeding for half an hour;
and the idea of becoming what he was before, and taking up his old course of life,
threw him into a sort of ecstasy. So true
is it that we never realize the fulness of
happiness until we have lost it.
" Ah, my friends," he cried, kneading
his hands into each other, " my fortune belongs to the man who will cure me. No
matter what torments I must undergo, I
will pour out money with all my heart, if
I can be certain of success; and I will no
more spare suffering than expense."
70 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
In this frame of mind he got back to
the Reu de Verneuil; while his footman
had gone to get some addresses of celebrated surgeons. The Marquis and M.
Steimbourg conducted him to his chamber and took their leave, one to go and
relieve the anxiety of his wife and daughters, whom he had not seen since the preceding evening, the other to hasten to the
Bourse.
Left alone, beside the great Venetian
glass which pitilessly reflected his new
aspect, Alfred l'Ambert fell into a profound
melancholy. This strong man, who never
wept at the theatre, because it is vulgar;
this gentleman with a face of bronze, who
had buried his father and mother with the
most serene composure, wept over the
mutilation of his handsome person, and
bathed himself in selfish tears.
His footman diverted him from this bitter grief, by promising a call from M.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 7I
Bernier, surgeon of the Hotel Dieu, member of the Surgical Society, and of the
Academy of Medicine, clinical professor,
etc., etc., etc. The servant had run to the
nearest surgeon, in the Rue de Bac, and
he did not happen on a bad one. M. Bernier, if he was not quite the peer of Velpeau, Manec, and Huguier, occupied a
very honorable rank immediately below
them.
("Why don't he come?" cried M. l'Ambert; "why isn't he here now? Does
he think I'm to be kept waiting?"
And he began weeping harder than
ever; weeping before his servants. Can
a mere sabre-stroke so change a man's
ways? Certainly it would seem that the
weapon of our good Ayvaz in transversing
the nasal canal must have quite laid open
the lachrymal duct and the glands themselves.
The notary dried his eyes and examined
72 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
a huge volume which had been brought him
in great haste from M. Steimbourg. It was
Ringuet's "Chirurgie operatoire,"6 an excellent manual, and embellished with about
three hundred engravings. M. Steimbourg had bought the book on his way to
the Bourse, and sent it to his friend, undoubtedly with a view- to encouraging him.
But the effect of reading it was entirely
different from what he had hoped. When
the notary had run over a couple of hundred pages, when he had seen defile before his eyes a lamentable series of ligatures, amputations, resections, and cauterizations, he dropped the book, and threw
himself on the sofa with closed eyes.
Though his eyes were shut, he continued
to see skin laid open, muscles held aside
by hooks, limbs cut into by great strokes
of the knife, and bones sawed by the
hands of invisible operators. The patients' faces seemed, as they always do in
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 73
anatomical designs, calm, stoical, and indifferent to suffering. And he asked himself if such a degree of courage could
ever have found place in the human soul.
Oftener than anything else, his fancy pictured a little surgeon on page 89, dressed
entirely in black, with a velvet collar on
his coat. This fantastic creature, with a
round head, rather vigorous aspect, bald
forehead, and serious face, was intently
sawing away at the two lower leg bones
of a living man.
"Monster! " cried M. l'Ambert.
At the same instant he beheld the monster enter in person, and M. Bernier was
announced. The notary fled backwards to
the darkest corner of his room, staring with
haggard eyes, and holding his hands out before him as if to keep off an enemy; his teeth
chattered, and he murmured in a smothered
voice, just as they do in the romances of M.
Xavier de Montepin, the words:
74 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
"'Tis he!'Tis he!'Tis he! "
"( Monsieur," said the doctor, " I regret
having made you wait, and I beg you to
compose yourself. I understand the accident which has befallen you, and I don't believe that the misfortune is irremediable.
But we can do no good if you are afraid
of me."
Fear is a suggestion which sounds disagreeably to French ears. M. l'Ambert
straightened himself up, marched directly
to the doctor, and said to him with a
little laugh, rather too nervous to be
natural:
" Parbleu! doctor, you're joking with
me; do I look like a man who is subject
to fear? If I were a coward I would not
have had myself abbreviated this morning
in such a strange fashion. But while I
was waiting for you, I looked over a book
of surgery; my eye had just lit on a figure which resembles you; you came upon
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 75
me like a ghost. Add to the surprise, this
morning's emotions, and possibly, too, a
slight touch of fever, and you can excuse
anything strange there may have been in
my welcome."
"All right," said M. Bernier, taking up
the book. " Ah! you were reading Ringuet. He's one of my friends. I remember, in fact, that he had me engraved
to the life, from a sketch by L6veille; but
sit down, I beg of you."
The notary recovered himself a little,
and recounted the occurrences of the day,
without forgetting the episode of the cat
who had made him, as it were, lose his
nose a second time.
" That is a misfortune," said the surgeon, "but we can remedy it in a month.
As you happen to have Ringuet's little
book, you are not altogether ignorant of
surgery?"
M. l'Ambert declared that the operation
76 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
to which he had been subjected that morning comprised his whole knowledge of the
subject.
" Well," replied M. Bernier, " I can give
you some ideas in a few words. Rhinoplasty is the art of restoring the nose for
people who have been imprudent enough
to lose it."
"Is it true then, doctor-the miracle
is possible? Surgery has found a way
to-"
" She has found three; but I set aside
the French method, which is not applicable to the present case. If the loss of
substance were less, I could scrape out the
edges of the wound, and make them raw
again, bring them together, and reunite
them, as they were at first. But we can't
dream of that."
"I'm very glad of it," responded the
wounded man; "you can hardly realize,
doctor, how such words as'scrape out'
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 77
and'make raw again' grate on my nerves;
let's go on to a more gentle method, I
beg of you."
"Surgeons seldom depend on gentleness. But to come to the point: you can
choose between the Indian method and
the Italian method. The first consists in
cutting a sort of a triangle out of the skin
of your forehead, the apex at the bottom,
and the base at the top; that is the material for the new nose. This entire piece
is turned down, except the little connection
at the bottom, which ought to remain adherent; then it is turned over, so as to
still leave the epidermis outside, and its
edges sewed to the corresponding outline
of the wound. In other words, I can
make you quite a presentable nose at the
expense of your forehead. The success
of the operation is almost certain, but
your forehead will always bear a large
scar."
78 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
"I don't want any scar, doctor; I don't
want it at any price; I even go so far (pardon me this weakness) as not to want any
operation. I've already been subjected to
one to-day, at the hands of that accursed
Turk, and I've no desire for another.
At the very recollection of that sensation
my blood freezes! I've as much courage as gentlemen in general; but I have
nerves too. I don't fear death, but I have
a horror of suffering. Kill me if you will;
but, for God's sake, don't hack me up! "
"Monsieur," replied the doctor, with a
touch of irony, "if you have taken such
an aversion against operations, you should
not call in a surgeon, but a homceopath."
"( Don't make fun of me; I can't bring
myself to endure the idea of this Indian
operation. The Indians are savages, and
their surgery is worthy of them. Didn't
you mention an Italian method? I don't
like the Italians politically. They are an
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 79
ungrateful people, whose conduct toward
their legitimate masters has been the very
blackest; but as far as science goes, I
have not such a bad idea of the rascals."
"So be it. We settle on the Italian
method. It cures sometimes; but it requires a patience and an immobility of
which perhaps you are not capable."
If it requires nothing but patience and
immobility, I can answer for myself."
"' Are you a man to keep still for thirty
days in an extremely uncomfortable position?"' Yes."
Your nose sewed to your left arm?"
a Yes."
{ Very well; I will cut out of your arm
a triangular piece four or five inches long,
and two or three broad; I-"
You'll cut that out of me?"
Certainly."
"But it's horrible, doctor, to flay me
80 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
alive; to cut strips out of a living man's
skin! It's barbarous! It's like the middle ages! It's worthy of Shylock, the Jew
of Venice! "
" The wound in the arm is nothing; the
difficulty is to stay sewed to yourself for
thirty days."
"As to that, I have no insuperable fear
of anything but the stroke of the scalpel.
When one has felt the chill of steel entering living flesh, he has enough of it for
the rest of his days, my dear doctor; he
doesn't seek it any more."
"That being so, monsieur, there's nothing for me to do here. You'll be minus a
nose the rest of your life."
Such a sentence plunged the poor
notary into a profound consternation. He
tore his beautiful blond hair, and raved
around the chamber like a crazy man.
"Mutilated! " he cried, weeping. " Mutilated forever; and nothing can retrieve
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 8I
my fate. If there were some drug, some
mysterious substance whose virtue restores
noses to people who have lost them, I
must buy it for its weight in gold. I
would send and have it searched for, even
to the ends of the earth. Yes, I would fit
out a vessel, if it were absolutely necessary-but there's nothing. What's the
use of my being rich? What's the use of
your being an illustrious operator, since
all your skill and all my sacrifices end
in this stupid failure. Riches! Science!
Empty words!"
M. Bernier reiterated to him from
time to time, with imperturbable calmness:
" Let me cut a little slice out of your
arm, and I will restore your nose."
One moment M. l'Ambert seemed to
be decided. He took off his coat and
rolled up his shirt-sleeves; but when he
saw the surgeon's case open, when the
polished instruments of torture glistened
6
82 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
before his eyes, he grew pale, felt faint,
and fell upon a chair in a sort of swoon.
A few drops of diluted vinaigre restored
his senses, but not his resolution.
"There's no use thinking about it any
more," said he, arranging his clothes.
( Our generation has all sorts of courage,
but it is weak before suffering. It's the
fault of our parents, who brought us up
wrapped in cotton."
A few minutes later this young man,
imbued with the most religious principles,
began to blaspheme against Providence.
"Indeed," he cried, "this world is a
lovely bear-garden; I congratulate the
Creator on it. I have two hundred thousand francs income, and here I am as flatnosed as a skull; while my porter, who
has not two crowns in the world, has the
nose of the Apollo Belvedere. Omniscience, which has foreseen everything, has
not foreseen that I should have my nose
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 83.
cut off by a Turk for having spoken to
Mile. Tompain! There are three million
beggars in France, not one of whose whole
bodies is worth ten sous; but I can't buy
the nose of any one of the wretches for any
amount of gold. But indeed why not?"
His face beamed with a ray of hope, and
he continued, in a more subdued tone:
"My old uncle at Poitiers, in his last
sickness, had a quantity of Breton blood
injected into his veins. A faithful servant
made the sacrifice essential to the experiment. My grand-aunt de Giromagny,
when she was still beautiful, had a front
tooth taken from her prettiest chambermaid, to replace a tooth which she herself
had lost. The graft took very well, and
cost only three louis. Doctor, you have
told me, that hadn't it been for the voracity of that infernal cat, you could have
sewed my nose on again while it was
warm. Did you say so? Yes or no?"
84 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
" Certainly; I say it still."
"Very well; if I buy some poor devil's
nose, could you just as well graft it on the
middle of my face?"
"I could."
"Bravo! "' But I won't do it, and none of my colleagues would do it any more than I."
"And why not, if you please? "
"Because to mutilate a healthy man
is a crime, even if the patient were stupid
enough or hungry enough to consent to
it."
" Upon my soul, doctor, you confound
all my notions of justice and injustice.
For a hundred louis, I got as my substitute in the army, a sort of an Alsatian,
with a big brown beard. My man (he
certainly was mine) had his head carried
off by a cannon ball on the 3oth of April,
I849. As the cannon ball in question was
incontestably intended for me, I may say
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 85
that the Alsatian sold me his head and his
whole body for a hundred louis-possibly
a hundred and fifty. The state not only
tolerated, but approved this agreement.
You have not found anything against it;
possibly you have yourself bought another
man, who will get himself killed for you.
And when I offer to give double that
amount to the first loafer that comes
along, for a mere piece of his nose, you
cry out:' Scandalous!"'
The doctor hesitated an instant to find
some logical reply. But not finding what
he wanted, he said:
"( M. l'Ambert, although my conscience
does not permit me to disfigure a man for
your benefit, it does seem to me that I can,
without doing anything wrong, cut out of
some poor fellow's arm the few square
inches of skin which you need."
"Eh! my dear doctor? Get it where
you please, provided you repair this stupid
86 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
accident. Let's find some good young
fellow at once,-and long live the Italian
method!"
"I warn you again that you will be
under treatment a month."
"{ Well, what difference does the treatment make? I shall be at the green-room
of the opera in a month!"
" Maybe! Have you any man in mind?
This concierge of whom you were speaking
just now?"
"Very well. He and his wife and his
children could be bought foi a hundred
crowns. When Barbereau, my old concierge went off, I don't know where, to
live on his income, a client recommended
this fellow, who was literally dying of hunger."
M. l'Ambert rang for his valet, and
told him to bid Singuet, the new concierge, to come up.
The man hastened in, and uttered
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 87
a cry of fright on seeing his master's
face.
He was a genuine specimen of the Parisian poor devil, the poorest of all poor
devils a little man of thirty-five whom
you would have taken for sixty, so dried
up was he, yellow, and stunted.
M. Bernier examined him at every joint;
and pretty soon sent him back to his
lodge.
"That fellow's skin isn't good for anything," said the doctor. " Don't you remember that gardeners take their grafts
from the healthiest and most vigorous
trees? Pick me out some sound fellow
among your servants; there must be one."
" Yes; but you're taking things rather
as a matter of course. The servants in
my house are all of them gentlemen; they
are men of capital, have money in bank,
buy long and sell short, as all servants
do in good houses. I don't know any
88 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
of them who would like to sell his blood
for money, when he makes it so easily at
the Bourse."
"But possibly you may find one, who
from devotion-"
"Devotion! Those fellows! You're
joking, doctor; our fathers had devoted
servants; we've nothing but rascally hirelings. And at bottom, perhaps, we deserve them. Our fathers being loved by
their dependants, felt obliged to give them
some affection in return. They put up
with their faults, nursed them in their illnesses, and took care of them in their old
age,-and a devil of a job it was! As for
me, I pay my people to do my work; and
when the work is not well done, it's no
business of mine whether it is indifference,
old age, or sickness, I send them off."
( Then we shan't find the man we want
in your household; do you think of any
one else? "
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 89
"Me? Nobody. Still it's easy enough.
The first fellow that happens along; the
commissionaire7at the corner, or the water-carrier that I hear crying down in the
street."
He took his spectacles from his pocket,
raised the curtain a little, peered down the
Rue de Beaune, and said to the doctor:
" There's a fellow who doesn't look
badly. Will you be kind enough to motion
to him? For I don't dare to show myself
to the people passing by."
M. Bernier opened the window at the
moment when the destined victim was crying at the top of his voice:
"W Woo-ter! Woo-ter! Woo-ter!"8
"My boy," said the doctor, " leave your
cask and come up here through the Rue de
Verneui[; there's money to be made."
CHAPTER IV.
SHEBASHTIAN ROMAGNE.
HE called himself Romagnd, the name
his father bore. His sponsors in baptism
had given him the name of Sebastian.
But as he was a native of Frognac [ls
Mauriac, in the department of Cantal, he
invoked his patron saint under the name
of Shaint Shebashtian. There is every reason to believe, that he would have written
his first name with an Sh; but fortunately
he did not know how to write. This child
of Auvergne had reached the age of
twenty three or four years; was built like
a Hercules; large, stout, thick-set, deepchested, big-boned, florid, strong as an ox,
good-natured, and as easy to lead as a
little white lamb. Imagine the most sub
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 91
stantial sort of a man, the most clownish
fellow in the world, and at the same time
the best disposed.
He was the oldest of ten children, boys
and girls, all living, thriving, swarming
under the paternal roof. His father had a
hut, a bit of land, a few chestnut-trees on
the mountain, a few dozen hogs year in
and year out, and two arms to delve in the
earth. His mother spun flax. The little
boys helped the father, and the little girls
took care of the house, and brought each
other up, the oldest girl acting as nurse
to the girl next her, and so on to the bottom of the ladder.
The young Sebastian did not actually
blaze with intelligence, or memory, or any
other gift of the intellect. But he had
heart enough and to spare. He had been
taught a few chapters of the Catechism,
just as blackbirds are taught to whistle
" Polly Put the Kettle on." But he really
92 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
had, and always did have, the most Christian principles, and always lived up to
them. He never abused his strength with
man or beast. He avoided quarrels, and
got many a rap without returning it. If
the sub-prefect of Mauriac had wanted
to give him a silver medal, he would only
have had to write to Paris; for Sebastian
had saved several people at the risk of his
life, and especially two gendarmnes who
were drowning with their horses in the
torrent of Saumaise. But people took
these things as a matter of course, just as
if he had done them by instinct, and no
one any more dreamed of rewarding him,
than if he had been a Newfoundland dog.
At the age of twenty, he drew lots for the
conscription, and got a good number, of
course because of a nine days' religious
service that he had observed at home, after which he made up his mind to go to
Paris, conformably with the manners and
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 93
customs which prevailed in Auvergne, to
make a little money for himself, and to help
his father and mother. They gave him a
velveteen suit and twenty francs, which
still make an appreciable sum in the
Arrondissement of Mauriac, and he embraced the opportunity of a comrade who
knew the road to Paris. He made the
journey on foot in ten days, and arrived
fresh and well, with twelve and a half
francs in his pocket, and his new shoes in
his hand.
A couple of days later, he was dragging
a water-cask in the Faubourg Saint-Germain, in company with another comrade
who could not go up the flights of stairs,
because he had strained himself. As the
reward of his labors, he was provided with
bed, board, and washing at the rate of
one shirt a month; and in addition thereto was given thirty sous a week to have a
good time on. By saving, he bought at
94 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
the end of the year a water-cask of his
own, and set up for himself.
He prospered beyond all expectation. His naive politeness, inexhaustible good-nature, and well-known probity,
secured him the good graces of the entire neighborhood. The two thousand
flights of stairs which he went up and
down every day gradually increased to
seven thousand. Moreover, he sent sixty
francs a month to the good people at
Frognac. The family blessed his name,
and commended him to God, morning and
evening, in their prayers. The little boys
had new breeches, and there was talk of
nothing less than sending the last two
to school.
The author of all these blessings had in
no way changed his mode of life. He
slept beside his cask in a cart-house, and
four times a year changed the straw of his
bed. The velveteen suit was more
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 95
patched than a harlequin's dress. Indeed, he would have had to spend very
little on dress, had it not been for those
confounded shoes, which used up three
pounds of nails a month. His table expenses were the only ones in which he
did not stint himself. He allowed himself, without any haggling, four pounds of
bread a day; sometimes he even regaled
his stomach with a bit of cheese, an onion,
or half a dozen apples, bought wholesale
on the Pont Neuf. Sundays and fetedays he did go as far as soup and beef;
and licked his fingers all the rest of the
week. But he was too good a son and too
good a brother to branch out into a glass
of wine. "Wine, women" (and tobacco),
were fabulous luxuries to him. He only
knew them by reputation. A fortiori, he
was ignorant of the pleasures of the theatre, so dear to the Paris laborer. My chap
preferred going to bed at seven o'clock
96 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
gratis, to applauding M. Dumaine for ten
sous.
Such in mind and body was the man
whom M. Bernier hailed in the Rue de
Beaune, to come and lend some of his
skin to M. l'Ambert. The servants were
notified, and brought him up as soon as
possible.
He came in timidly, hat in hand, raising
his feet as high as possible, not daring to
let them rest on the carpet. The morning's storm had spattered him up to the
shoulders.
" If itsh wooter that you want," said he,
bowing to the doctor, " I-"
M. Bernier cut him short:
"No, my boy, we don't want anything
in your regular line."
" Well, Moshoo, itsh shomething different, then?"
"Something entirely different. This
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 97
gentleman here had his nose cut off this
morning."
" Shaprishti! poor man; and who did
shuch a thing ash that? "
"(A Turk; but that's of no consequence."
"A shavage! Folks hash toold me
that Turksh was shavages, but I didn't
knoo that they let them looshe to come to
Parish. Jusht wait a bit, I'll goo and get
the pooleesh!"
M. Bernier stopped the worthy Auvergnat's outburst of zeal, and in a few words
explained the service required of him.
He thought at first that they were making
fun of him, for a man may be an excellent
water-carrier and not have any notion of
rhinoplasty. The doctor made him understand that they wanted to buy a month of
his time and about four square inches of
his skin."
"The operation is nothing," he said;
"you have very little to suffer; but I
7
98 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
warn you in advance that you will need
enormous patience, to keep still for a
whole month, with your arm sewed to
monsieur's nose."
"Ash to patiensh," he answered, " I'b
enough of that; one ish not an Oubergnat
for nothing. But if I shtay a month here
to do this shervish to thish poor man, my
time musht be paid at what it'sh worth."
" That's a matter of course; how much
do you wish? "
He thought a moment and said:
"On my coonsciencsh, it'sh worth a
matter of foor francsh a day."
"No, my friend," responded the notary,
"it's worth a thousand francs a month, or
thirty-three francs a day."
"No," spoke up the doctor, with authority, " it's worth two thousand francs."
M. l'Ambert inclined his head, and
raised no objection.
Romagn6 asked permission to finish his
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 99
day's work, put up his cask in the carthouse, and seek a substitute for a month.
" Beshidesh," he said, " it'sh not worth
while to commensh on an odd half day."
They convinced him that the matter was
urgent, and he arranged his affairs accordingly. One of his friends was notified,
and agreed to take his place for the
month.
"You'll fetch me my bread ebery
day?" said Romagne.
They told him that this precaution was
unnecessary, and that he could take his
meals in the house.
"That dependsh on what it coshts."
( M. 1'Ambert will feed you gratis."
"Gratish? you mean you'll throow it
in? Here'sh my shkin; cut away."
He endured the operation like a hero,
without wincing.
"It ish a pleashure," he said. "They
told me of an Oubergnat, down my way,
100 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
who let himshelf get cobered ober with
shtone (they callsh it petrified) in a
shpring, for twenty shoush an hour. I
rather get myshelf cut up peashmeal. It
ish lessh confining and agreesh with me
better."
M. Bernier sewed his left arm to the
notary's face, and the two men remained
for a month fastened to each other.
The Siamese twins, who used to amuse
the curiosity of Europe, were not more
indissoluble; but they were brothers, accustomed from childhood to put up with
each other, and they had received the
same education. If one had been a watercarrier, and the other a notary, possibly
they would not have presented the spectacle of so fraternal a friendship.
Romagne never complained of anything,
although the situation seemed somewhat
novel. He yielded as a slave, or rather
as a Christian, to all the whims of the man
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. IO1
who had bought his skin. He got up and
sat down, laid down, turned to the right
or left, according to the caprice of his lord.
The needle is not more constant to the
pole, than Romagne was in his submission
to M. l'Ambert.
This heroic gentleness touched the notary's heart, which was, nevertheless, by
no means tender. For three days he
experienced a sort of gratitude for his victim's kindness. But he was not very slow
in conceiving a distaste for him; then
disgust, and then horror.
A young man, active and healthy, never
can easily accustom himself to absolute
immobility. What must it be, then, when
he is forced to remain in fixed association with a creature coarse, inferior, and
without education? But the die was cast;
and he had to live without a nose or put
up with the Auvergnat and all his consequences-to eat with him, sleep with him,
102 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
to perform every function of life with
him at hand and in the most awkward
positions.
Romagne was a worthy and excellent
young man, but he snored like an organ.
He adored his family, and loved his neighbor; but he never took a bath, for fear of
wasting the commodity he dealt in. His
sentiments were the most delicate in the
world, but he did not know how to impose upon himself the most elementary
constraints which civilization prescribes
for us. Poor M. l'Ambert! poor Romagne! what nights and days! what kicks
given and received! It is unnecessary to
say that Romagne received them without
complaining. His greatest fear was that
some wrong motion might spoil Doctor
Bernier's experiment.
The notary received a good many visits.
His boon companions came to see him,
and made sport of the Auvergnat. They
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I03
taught him to smoke cigars, and drink
wine and brandy, and the poor devil gave
himself up to these pleasures with the innocence of a savage. They got him tipsy,
they got him drunk, they made him descend all the steps which separate man
from the brute. The fellow needed education;-and these fine gentlemen took a
great deal of pleasure in giving it to him.
Was it not something new and agreeable
to ruin an Auvergnat?
One day one of them asked him how
he intended to use M. l'Ambert's hundred
louis, when he should have earned them.
"I'll plashe them at fibe per shent,"
he answered, "and I'll get a hundred
francsh interesht."
"And after that?" queried a nice little
millionnaire of twenty-five years. "Will
you be richer? will you be happier? You
will have six sous income a day; if you
marry, as is inevitable-for you're made
104 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
of the timber they make fools of-you'll
have a dozen youngsters at least."
"Yesh, it'sh posshible."
"And under the Civil Code, which is a
fine invention of the empire, you'll leave
each of them two farthings a day to live
on. And all this in spite of the fact that
with the two thousand francs you can live
like a rich man for a whole month, experience the pleasures of life, and rise above
your equals."
He struggled like a good fellow against
these attempts to corrupt him. But he received so many repeated taps on his thick
head, that they opened a passage for the
false ideas, and his brain was upset.
The ladies came too. M. l'Ambert knew
a great many, and of all descriptions.
Romagne was present at a great variety
of scenes. He heard protestations of
love and fidelity which rather lacked probability. Not only did M. l'Ambert unhes
TIHE NOTARY S NOSE. 105
itatingly tell lies before him, with the
greatest freedom, but he sometimes
amused himself, when they were alone together, by teaching him the deceptions
which are, so to speak, the canvas on
which fashionable life is embroidered.
And the world of business! Romagn6
thought he had discovered it, like Christopher Columbus; for he never had any
idea of such things before. The clients
in the office kept no more guard over their
conversation before him, than if he had
been an oyster. He saw fathers of families who were seeking ways to rob their
sons, under forms of law, for the sake of
mistresses or speculation; young men
about to marry, who were trying to learn
the art of stealing their wife's dowry, under the marriage contract; lenders who
wanted twenty per cent. on first mortgages, and borrowers who gave mortgages where there was no value.
Io6 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
He had not a bit of imagination, nor
much more intelligence than a poodle, but
his conscience was sometimes shocked.
One day, he saw fit to say to M. l'Ambert:
" You hab not my eshteem."
And the repugnance the notary had for
him, changed into open hate.
The last week of their forced intimacy
was filled with a series of tempests. But
at length, M. Bernier announced that the
strip of skin had taken root, in spite of
innumerable wrenches. He cut the two
enemies apart, and shaped the notary a
nose out of the skin which no longer belonged to Romagn6. And the handsome
millionnaire of the Rue de Verneuil, threw
two one thousand franc notes to his slave,
saying:
" Begone, you scoundrel! the money is
nothing. You've made me spend five
thousand francs' worth of patience. Clear
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 1O7
out! Leave here forever! Don't let me
ever hear of you again!"
Romagne thanked him with dignity,
drank a bottle of wine in the servants' hall,
two glasses of brandy with Singuet, and
started off, reeling, toward his old abiding-place.
CHAPTER V.
PRIDE AND A FALL.
M.L'AMBERT went back into society with
success; one might say with glory. His
seconds did him very ample justice, in saying that he had fought like a lion. The
old notaries were made young again by
his courage.
"Eh! eh! eh! See what sort of fellows we are, when we're driven to extremities; in being a notary one is none
the less a man. Master l'Ambert has been
betrayed by the fortune of arms; but he
was noble to fall in such away; it was a
Waterloo. There's good stuff in us yet,
never mind what folks say."
So spoke the respectable Master Clopineau, and the worthy Master Labrique,
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 109
and the unctuous Master Bontoux, and all
the nestors of the notarial profession.
The young masters held pretty near the
same language, with certain variations inspired by jealousy.
" We don't want to say anything against
Master l'Ambert; he is an honor to us
certainly, although he does compromise us
a little. Any one of us would have shown
just as much pluck, and possibly less awkwardness. An officer of the law ought
not to permit himself to be trodden under
foot; at the same time, he ought not to
give the first offence. He ought to fight
only for reasons that can be talked about
anywhere. If I were father of a family,
I would rather entrust my business to a
steady fellow, than to a knight-errant,"
etc., etc., etc.
But the opinion of the ladies, which
makes law, was decidedly in favor of
the hero of Parthenay. Possibly it would
T11 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
have been a little less unanimous if they
had known the episode of the cat. Possibly, indeed, the unjust and charming sex
would have declared M. l'Ambert in the
wrong, if he had permitted himself to return to the gaze of the world without a
nose. But all the seconds had kept the ridiculous side of the affair strictly to themselves. Moreover, M. l'Ambert, far from
being disfigured, appeared to have gained
by the change. A baroness remarked that
his expression was: much sweeter since he
had been wearing a straight nose. An old
canoness, who was kept preserved in malice, asked the Prince de B- if it would
not be a good idea to go off pretty soon,
and pick a quarrel with a Turk. Prince
de B -'s aquiline nose enjoyed an immense reputation.
Some one will ask, how ladies in society
could feel any interest in dangers which
had not been incurred for them. M. l'Am
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. III
bert's habits were known, and it was no
secret how large a portion of his time and
his heart was expended at the opera. But
the world easily pardons these little aberrations in men who do not give themselves
up to them altogether. It is wise to be
satisfied with half a loaf, rather than go
without bread. It seemed well enough
that M. l'Ambert should go half way to
perdition, while so many men of his age
went the whole. He never neglected
good houses; he talked with the dowagers, and danced with the young girls;
he occasionally made passable music, and
never talked horse. These merits, so rare
among young millionnaires of the Faubourg, secured him the good-will of the
ladies. It was even said, that more than
one had thought she was doing the
Lord's service in entering the lists against
the ballet green-room. One pretty, pious
woman, Madame de L- had proved
112 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
to him, for three whole months, that the
keenest pleasures are not to be found in
scandal and dissipation.
Nevertheless he ha.d never broken off
with the corps de ballet. The severe
lesson he had received did not inspire him
with any horror of that hydra with a hundred pretty heads. One of his first visits
was to the green-room where shone Mlle.
Victorine Tompain. There indeed they
gave him a fine reception. With what
friendly curiosity they gathered around
him! How they called him " the dearest
fellow," and "so nice"! What cordial
grasps of the hand! What pretty little
beaks were stuck up to him to receive an
innocent, friendly kiss! He was radiant.
All his old boon companions, all the dignitaries in the freemasonry of pleasure,
complimented him on his miraculous cure.
For a whole entr'acte he reigned in this
agreeable kingdom. They listened to the
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I I3
account of his duel; they made him describe Dr. Bernier's treatment, and they
admired the delicacy of the lines of suture,
which could hardly be seen at all.
"Just fancy," said he, "that that excellent M. Bernier pieced me out with the
skin of an Auvergnat. And such an Auvergnat! Good God! The stupidest,
thickest-headed, dirtiest fellow of all Auvergne. You would not suspect it from
seeing the piece of himself, that he sold
me. The beast made me pass many
disagreeable hours. The commissionaires at the corners of the street are dandies, compared with him. But I'm well
rid of him, thank Heaven! When I paid
him and kicked him out of doors, I was
relieved from a heavy burden. His name
was Romagne âa touching name! Don't
ever pronounce it before me. Nobody
will say Romagn6 to me, if he wants me
to live! Romagn6!!"
8
114 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
Mile. Victorine Tompain was not the
last to compliment the hero. Ayvaz-Bey
had infamously abandoned her, leaving her
four times as much money as her merits
justified. The handsome notary showed
himself amiable and forgiving toward
her.
"I bear you no ill-will," he said; "I
even haven't any grudge against that
brave Turk. I have only one enemy in
the world, and he is an Auvergnat by the
name of Romagne."
He said Romagn6 with an intonation
comic enough to make his fortune on the
stage. And I believe that even to this
day, the majority of those girls say " Mon
Romagnd," when they speak of their
water-carriers.
Three months passed; three months of
summer. The season was beautiful, and
few people had remained in Paris. The
opera was invaded by strangers and
THE NOTARY S NOSE. I 15
people from the country; M. l'Ambert
appeared there less frequently.
Almost every day at six, he laid aside
his official gravity, and hurried off to
Maisons-Lafitte, where he had hired a
cottage. His friends went there to see
him-even some of those from the greenroom. They played at all sorts of outdoor games in the garden, and I can
assure you that the swing was not left
hanging idle.
One of his most frequent and liveliest
visitors was M. Steimbourg, the broker.
The Parthenay affair had brought him into
closer intimacy with M. l'Ambert. M.
Steimbourg belonged to a good family of
converted Jews. Their family estate was
worth two millions. He had the right to
quarter of it himself. It was proper,
then, to hold close relations with him.
The mistresses of the two friends got
along together very well; that is to say,
II6 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
they did not quarrel more than once a
week at most. How beautiful to see four
hearts which beat as one! The men went
riding, read Figaro, or retailed the town
gossip. The women took turns in telling
fortunes by cards in the most entertaining
way. The golden age in miniature!
M. Steimbourg made it his duty to present his friend to his family. He took
him to Bieville, where the elder Steimbourg had built himself a chateau. M.
l'Ambert was graciously received by a very
hale old gentleman, a lady of fifty-two
who had not yet abdicated, and two young
girls who were finished coquettes. The
girls had seen everything played at the
theatres, and read everything written in
books. Few people knew better than
they the fashionable gossip of Paris.
They had had pointed out to them at the
play, and in the Bois de Boulogne, the most
celebrated beauties of all circles. They
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 17
had been taken to see some elegant establishments sold out, and they could descant
most agreeably on Mlle. X's emeralds, and
Mlle. Z's pearls. The elder, Mlle. Irma
Steimbourg, copied the toilettes of Mlle.
Fargueil with passionate enthusiasm.
The younger had sent one of her friends
to Mlle. Figeac to ask the address of her
dress-maker. Both were rich and would
have good dowries. M. l'Ambert took a
fancy to Irma. The handsome notary
occasionally said to himself that half a
million dowry and a woman who knows
how to dress are not things to be sneezed
at. He was to be seen there pretty often,
almost once a week, even up to the early
November frosts.
After a mild and pleasant autumn,
winter came down like an avalanche-a
circumstance common enough in our climate. But M. l'Ambert's nose at this
time manifested a sensibility not quite so
18 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
common. It reddened a little, then a
great deal, and swelled up by degrees
almost to the point of deformity. After a
hunting party that had been kept in high
spirits by the north wind, the notary experienced an intolerable itching. He looked
in the glass at an inn, and found the color
of his nose not at all to his taste: you
would have called it a chilblain in the
wrong place.
He consoled himself with the thought
that a good hot fire would bring back its
natural appearance. And in fact it did
relieve his nose and restore its color for a
few moments; but the itching returned
the next day, the tissues swelled up enormously, and the red color reappeared with
a slight addition of violet. A week
passed in the house before the fireplace
effaced the fatal tint; but it reappeared
the first time he went out, in spite of his
gray-fox furs.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. II9
This time M. l'Ambert got frightened
and sent post-haste for M. Bernier. The
doctor hurried to him, called it a slight
inflammation, and prescribed compresses of
ice-water. This eased the nose, but by no
means cured it. M. Bernier was astonished at the stubbornness of the disorder.
"After all," said he, "perhaps Dieffenbach is right; he claims that the strip we
cut off can die from excess of blood, and
leeches ought to be applied to it; we'll
try it."
The notary suspended a leech from the
end of his nose; when it fell off, gorged
with blood, it was replaced by another;
and so on for two days and nights. The
swelling and discoloration disappeared for
a time, but the improvement was not of
long duration. Something else was'
needed. M. Bernier asked for twentyfour hours for reflection, and took fortyeight.
120 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
When he returned to the house in the
Rue de Verneuil, he was anxious and even
timid, and it cost an effort to master himself before saying to M. l'Ambert.
" Medicine does not embrace all natural phenomena; and I have come to
submit to you a theory which has no
scientific character. My colleagues would
perhaps make sport of me if I were to tell
them that a piece taken from a man's body
can remain under the influence of its former possessor. It is your blood propelled
by your heart, under the action of your
brain, which has this unfortunate tendency
to your nose. Nevertheless I am tempted
to believe that that booby of an Auvergnat is not a stranger to the circumstance."
M. l'Ambert exclaimed against this
loudly. The idea that that vile mercenary
whom he had paid, and whom he owed
nothing, could exercise an occult influence
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 121
on the nose of a government official, was
almost an impertinence!
"It's worse," answered the doctor; " it's
an absurdity. Nevertheless I want you
to let me go and hunt up Romagne. I
want to see him to-day; if for no other
reason, to convince myself of my error.
Have you kept his address?"
"God forbid! "
"Very well. I'll go and try to find
him. Keep your patience and stay in your
room, and don't doctor yourself any more."
He hunted for a fortnight; the police
came to his aid, and kept him off the track
three weeks. Half a dozen Romagn6s
were found. A detective of great experience unearthed all the Romagnes in
Paris except the one they wanted. They
found a retired soldier, a dealer in wolf
skins, a lawyer, a thief, a dry-goods clerk,
a gendarme, and a millionnaire. M. l'Ambert was before his fire, fairly broiling
122 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
with impatience, and contemplating his
scarlet nose with despair. At last they
found the place where the water-carrier
used to live. He was not there any more.
The neighbors said that he had made his
fortune, sold his cask, and gone off to enjoy life.
M. Bernier beat through taverns, and
other haunts of pleasure, while his patient
stayed at home plunged in melancholy.
On the second of February, at ten o'clock
in the morning, the handsome notary was
sadly toasting his feet, and squintingly
contemplating the blooming peony in the
centre of his face, when a joyous tumult
disturbed the whole house. The doors
opened with a bang, the valets cried out
with surprise, and at last the doctor appeared leading Romagn6 by the hand.
It was the genuine Romagne, but very
different from himself. Dirty, besotted,
hideous, with dull eyes and fetid breath,
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 123
reeking with rum and tobacco, red as a
boiled lobster from head to foot; he was
less a man than a living erysipelas.
" Monster!" said M. Bernier, "you
ought to die of shame; you have debased yourself below the brutes. If you
still preserve the face of a man, you have
no longer the color of one. How have
you used the little fortune which we made
for you? You have grovelled in the lowest depths of debauchery. I found you
outside the fortifications of Paris, wallowing like a pig before the door of the dirtiest of taverns."
The Auvergnat raised his great eyes
toward the doctor, and said in his amiable
accent, embellished with an intonation
from the faubourgs:
"Well, what ob it; I'b been habing
a good time; thatsh no reashon for you
to talk nonshensh to me."
"What are you calling nonsense? I'm
124 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
reproaching you for your misdeeds, that's
all. Why didn't you invest your money,
instead of drinking it up?"
"He toold me to amushe myshelf."
"You rascal," cried the notary, "did I
tell you to swill brandy and blue-ruin in
the stews? "
"Folksh amushe themshelvesh ash they
can; I'b been off with my friendsh."
" A fine lot they are, your friends!
Here I make a marvellous cure which
spreads my reputation through Paris,
which some day or other will open the
doors of the institute to me, and you go
with a lot of drunkards of the same sort,
and spoil my divine work. If you were
the only thing concerned, bless me! we
would leave you to do what you pleased.
It's physical and moral suicide; but an
Auvergnat more or less makes no difference to society. The matter concerns a
gentleman of consequence, though,-a man
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 125
of property, your benefactor and my patient. You have compromised him,
disfigured, assassinated him, by your
misconduct. See to what a lamentable
condition you have brought Monsieur!"
The poor devil contemplated the nose
which he had furnished, and burst into
tears.
" It'sh bery unlucky, Moshoo Bernier,
but I call God to witnessh that it'sh not my
fault. The noshe got shick all by itshelf.
Shaprishti / I'm an innoshent man; and I
shwear to you, that I'b not eben touched
it."
" Fool! " said M. l'Ambert, "you will
never understand. And, moreover, there's
no reason why you should understand.
It's only necessary for you to say, without
any more words, that you will change your
course of conduct, and give up this life of
debauchery which is killing me by reaction.
I give you fair notice, that I have a long
126 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
arm, and that if you persist in your vices, I
will know how to put you in a safe place."
" In prizhon?"
" In prison!"
" In prizhon with criminalsh? Mershy!
Moshoo l'Ambert, that will be a dishhonor
to my family."
"Are you going to drink any more?
Yes or no?"
" Ah! Good God! how can a fellow
drink when he hash not a shou left? I
hab shpent eberything, Moshoo l'Ambert.
I hab drunk up my two thoushand
francsh. I hab drunk up my cashk and all
the money I had in bank, and nobody on
the fashe ob the earth will trusht me any
more! "
"So much the better, you amusing rascal. You've done well! "
" Yesh indeed; I ought to behabe myshelf! Mizhery ish coming upon me,
Moshoo l'Ambert."
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I27
"Time it should!"
"Moshoo l'Ambert?"
"What?"
"If you only would be sho berry good
and get me a wooter-cashk to shet myshelf
up in the woorld again, I shwear to you I
would be a good fellow."
" Get out! You would sell it for
"drink."
" No, Moshoo l'Ambert, on the word of
an honesht man."
" On the word of a sot! "
"But you want me to die, then, ob
hunger and thirsht? A hundred fransch,
good Moshoo l'Ambert? "
" Not a centime; Providence has made
you miserably poor that you might restore
me my natural appearance. Drink water,
eat dry bread, go without the necessities
of life, die of hunger if you can; for at
such a price I should get back my natural
advantages and become myself again."
128 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
Romagn6 hung his head, and went out
scraping his foot and saluting the company.
The notary was full of joy, and the
worthy doctor was in his glory.
" I don't want to sing my own praises,"
modestly said M. Bernier; "but Leverrier, discovering a planet solely through his
calculations, accomplished no greater a
miracle than I. To divine from the appearance of your nose that an Auvergnat
absent and lost in Paris had given himself
up to debauchery, is to come up from the
effect to the cause by roads which human daring has not hitherto attempted.
As to the treatment of the disorder, it is
indicated by the circumstances. Diet applied to Romagn6 is the only remedy
which can cure you. Chance serves us
wonderfully, since the animal has eaten
up his last sou. You did well to refuse
him the help he begged for. All the
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 129
efforts of science would be vain if this fellow were to have anything to buy drink
with."
" But, doctor," interrupted M. l'Ambert,
"suppose my trouble did not rise from
that? If you have been the sport of some
fortuitous coincidence? Didn't you yourself tell me that the theory-"
" I have said, and I maintain, that in the
present state of our knowledge, your case
admits of no logical explanation; it is a
phenomenon whose law is yet to be discovered. The correspondence that we
observe to-day between the health of your
nose and the conduct of this Auvergnat,
opens a perspective which may be deceitful; but it is certainly immense. Let us
wait a few days. If your nose gets well
in the same degree as Romagne behaves
himself, my theory will receive the additional support of a new probability.. I
don't answer for anything, but I suspect
9
I30 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
the existence of a law in physiology
hitherto unknown, and which I should be
happy to formulate. The world of science
is full of visible phenomena produced by
unknown causes. Why has Madame de
L â, whom you know as well as I, a
cherry admirably painted on her left shoulder? Is it, as they say, because her
mother while pregnant had a violent longing for a basket of cherries exposed for
sale by Chevet? What invisible artist
depicted this fruit on the body of a six
weeks fcetus, about the size of an average
prawn? How can this special action of
the mind upon the body be explained?
Why does Madame de L â's cherry
become sensitive and painful every year
about the month of April, when cherries
are in blossom? Here are facts, certain,
evident, palpable, and just as inexplicable
as the swelling and redness of your nose.
But patience! "
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 131
Two days later the swelling on M.
l'Ambert's nose had visibly gone down,
but the red color remained. Toward the
end of the week, its volume was reduced
a good third. In about a fortnight, the
skin peeled off horribly, a new skin appeared, and the nose entirely resumed its
original form and color. The doctor was
in triumph.
"My only regret," he said, " is that we
didn't keep Romagne in a cage, to watch
the effect of the treatment upon him, as
we have upon you. I'm sure that, for a
week or so, he was covered with scales
like an adder."
" May the devil take him! " added M.
l'Ambert in a Christian spirit.
Thenceforward he resumed his old
habits, and went out in his carriage, on
horseback, and on foot. He danced at the
balls of the Faubourg, and embellished the
green-room of the opera with his presence.
132 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
All the ladies heartily welcomed him, both
those in society and out of it. One of
those who congratulated him most tenderly
on his cure was the elder sister of his
friend Steimbourg.
That lovely creature was in the habit of
considering men just as she considered
horses. She very judiciously observed
that M. l'Ambert had come out of his last
crisis handsomer than ever. Yes, really
it seemed that two or three months of
suffering had added some indescribable perfection to his face. The nose above allthat straight nose which had returned to
its proper limits after its painful expansion
-appeared finer, whiter, and more aristocratic than ever.
This, too, was the handsome notary's
own opinion. He contemplated himself
in all the glasses with ever-fresh admiration.
It was a pleasure to see him face to face
with himself, smiling at his own nose.
THE NOTARY S NOSE. I33
But on the return of spring, in the latter
part of March, while the generous sap was
distending the lilac buds, M. l'Ambert had
occasion to realize that his nose was the
only thing robbed of the benefits of the
season and the bounties of nature. Amid
the regeneration of everything else, it
paled as an autumn leaf. The nostrils
pinched and dried up, as it were, under
the breath of an invisible sirocco, hung
flat against the partition between them
which Doctor Bernier had provided.
" By all that's distressing!" said the
notary, making a face at himself in the
glass; "an aristocratic appearance is a
fine thing, like virtue, but one doesn't want
too much of it. My nose is becoming lean
to a degree to make one anxious; and
pretty soon it will be nothing more than a
shadow, if I don't restore its strength and
color."
He put a little rouge on it. But the
134 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
color only served to bring out the almost
incredible fineness of the straight line
"without thickness," which divided his
face. Just like the iron blade which rises
thin and sharp in the middle of a sun-dial,
was the fantastic nose of our desperate
notary.
In vain the rich native of the Rue de
Verneuil put himself upon the most substantial diet. Considering that good living, digested by a sound stomach, benefits
all parts of the body nearly equally, he imposed upon himself the agreeable task of
taking a great deal of rich soup, a great
deal of jelly, and a great deal of rare
meat, washed down with a great deal of
the most generous wines. To say that
these select aliments did him no good,
would be to deny the evidence, and blaspheme against good cheer. M. l'Ambert
in a short time gave himself handsome red
cheeks, a fine apoplectic bull neck, and a
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 135
jolly little fat belly. But the nose remained like a negligent or indifferent partner who did not collect his dividends.
When a sick person cannot eat or drink,
he is sometimes sustained by nourishing
baths, which penetrate through the skin to
the sources of life. M. l'Ambert treated
his nose like a patient who must be specially nourished, cost what it will. For its
sole behoof, he ordered a little silver-gilt
bath. Six times a day he plunged and patiently kept it in baths of milk, Burgundy
wine, strong soup, and even tomato
sauce. The pains were wasted. The patient came out of the bath as pale, thin,
and deplorable, as it had entered. All
hope seemed lost, when one day M. Bernier tapped his forehead, and cried:
"We've made an enormous mistakea regular school-boy blunder! And that
I should do it, when the thing brought
such a striking confirmation to the support
136 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
of my theory! There's no doubt of it,
monsieur: the Auvergnat is sick, and he
is the only patient to treat if we're going
to cure you."
Po.or M. l'Ambert tore his hair. Then
at last he did regret putting Romagne out
of doors, refusing him the help he asked,
and forgetting to take his address. He
imagined the poor devil languishing on a
pallet, without bread, without roast beef,
and without ChAteau-Margaux. At this
idea, his heart was broken. He fancied
himself enduring the poor beggar's sufferings. For the first time in his life, he was
affected by another's misfortune.
" Doctor, dear doctor," he cried, pressing M. Bernier's hand, "I'll give all I'm
worth to save that excellent young man."
Five days later, the disorder had steadily increased. The nose was nothing
more than a flexible pellicle, yielding under the weight of the spectacles, when M.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I37
Bernier came to say that he had found the
Auvergnat.
" Victory! " cried M. l'Ambert.
The surgeon shrugged his shoulders,
and answered that the victory seemed to
him at least doubtful.
"My theory," said he, " is abundantly
confirmed, and as a physiologist I have
every reason to declare myself satisfied.
But as a doctor, I would like to cure you,
and the condition in which I found the unhappy fellow leaves me little hope."
You will save him, dear doctor?"
"Well, in the first place, he doesn't belong to me; he is under the treatment of
one of my colleagues, who is studying him
with a certain curiosity."
" He'll give him up to you; we'll buy
him if necessary."
"Don't dream of that. Doctors don't
sell their patients. They kill them sometimes in the interest of science, to see
I38 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
what they have inside of them; but to
make them objects of commerce âNever!
Perhaps my friend Fogatier will give me
your Auvergnat. But the scamp is very
sick; and to complete the misfortune, he's
taken such a distaste for life that he don't
care to get well. He throws away all his
medicine. As for food, sometimes he
complains that he has not enough, and
calls out for all he can get with loud cries;
and sometimes he refuses what they give
him, and asks to be left to die of hunger."
"That's a crime! I'll speak to him;
I'll make him listen to the voice of morality and religion. Where is he? "
" At the Holel Diezi, Ward St. Paul,
No. io-"
You have your carriage downstairs?"
Yes."
" Well, let's start. Oh! the depraved
wretch! Wishing to die! He don't seem
to know that all men are brothers!"
CHAPTER VI.
THE HISTORY OF A PAIR OF SPECTACLES,
AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF A COLD IN
THE HEAD.
NEVER did any preacher, never did
Bossuet or Fenelon, never did Massillon
or Flechier, never did M. Mermilliod himself dispense from his pulpit eloquence
mightier, and at the same time more alluring, than did M. Alfred l'Ambert at the
bedside of Romagne. First he appealed
to the reason; then to the conscience, and.
finally to the heart of his patient. He
called into play arguments both sacred
and profane-cited Holy Writ, and the
philosophers. He was powerful and
gentle, severe and paternal, logical, caressing, and even jocular. He proved that
140 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
suicide was the most shameful of all
crimes; and that one must be very cowardly, voluntarily to choose death. He
even ventured upon a metaphor as new as
it was bold, comparing the suicide to the
deserter who abandons his post without
the permission of his corporal.
The Auvergnat, who had not swallowed
anything for twenty-four hours, seemed
bent on his idea. He held himself steady
and stubborn before death, like a jackass
before a bridge. To the closest argument
he responded with imperturbable sweetness:
" It'sh not worth while, Moshoo l'Ambert; there'sh too much mizhery in thish
world."
" But, my dear friend, misery is a divine
institution; it is created expressly to develop charity among the rich, and resignation among the poor."
"Richesh! I ashked for work, and
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 141
eberybody refushed it to me. I ashked
charity, and they shaid they'd call the poleeshe."
" Why didn't you appeal to your friends?
to me, for instance; to me, who wish you
well; to me, who have your blood in my
veins?"
"Jusht sho! Sho you could pitch me
out of doorsh!"
" My door will be always open to you;
so will my purse, so will my heart! "
" If you'd only let me had fifty francsh to
buy a new wooter-cashk."
"But you brute!-you dear old brute, I
would say-let me joke with you a little, as
I did when you shared my bed and tableit's no fifty francs I will give you, but a
thousand-ten thousand!-my whole fortune I wish to divide with you-in proportion to our respective needs. You must
live; you must be happy. See! Spring
has come back with her train of flowers
142 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
and the sweet music of the birds in the
branches. Could you have the heart to
give up all these? Think of the grief of
your excellent parents, of your old father,
who is waiting for you in the country;
and of your brothers and sisters. Think
of your mother, my friend! she would
never survive you! You shall see them
again-no, not exactly that:-you ought to
stay in Paris under my eyes, in closest intimacy with me. I want to see you happy;
married to a good little wife, father of two
or three, pretty children. Ah! you smile!
take some of this soup! "
" I'm bery thankful to you, Moshoo
l'Ambert. Keep the shoup-there'sh no
ushe taking any moor; there'sh too much
mizhery in thish world."
" But when I swear to you that your
evil days are over, that I take upon myself the responsibility of your future, on
my word as a notary. If you consent to
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 143
live, you shall suffer no more, you shall
work no more; your year shall be made
up of three hundred and sixty-five Sundays!"
"And no Mondaysh?"
"All Mondays, if you prefer; you shall
eat, you shall drink, you shall smoke
Cabanas at thirty sous apiece. You shall
be my boon companion, my inseparable
friend, my other self. Wouldn't you like
to live, Romagne, to be my other self?"
"No; sho much the worsh! Ash I hab
commenshed to die, I may ash well finish
up now.
" Ah! That's it! Very well, I'll tell you,
you great brute, to what fate you condemn
yourself; it is not merely an affair of the
eternal torments that every minute of your
stubbornness brings nearer; but in this
world, here, to-morrow, to-day perhaps,
before going to rot, in the Potter's Field,
you shall be carried to the dissecting-room;
144 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
they will throw you on a stone table, and
cut your body to pieces. Some young
sawbones will chop open that great ass's
head of yours with an axe; another will
ransack your breast with great cuts of a
scalpel, to find out if there is any heart in
that stupid enclosure; another-"
"Shtop! Sthop! Moshoo l'Ambert! I
don't want to be cut up in pieshes! I'd
rather take the shoup!"
Three days on soup, and the strength of
his constitution, brought him out of his bad
state, and he could be taken in a carriage to the house in the Riee e Vernezil.
M. l'Ambert installed him there himself, as
carefully as a mother; he put him in his
own valet's room, so as to have him as near
himself as possible. For a month he discharged the duties of sick-nurse, and even
sat up several nights.
These fatigues, instead of destroying
his health, brought back the freshness
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I45
and brightness to his face. The more he
tasked himself in taking care of the poor
devil, the more his nose recovered its firmness and color. His life was divided between the duties of his office, the Auvergnat, and the mirror. It was during this
period, that one day he absently wrote on
a rough draft of a bill of sale: " It is sweet
to do good "-a maxim somewhat old in
itself, but entirely new to him.
When Romagne was certainly convalescent, his host and saviour, who had cut off
so many slices of bread for him, and cut
up so many beefsteaks, said:
" After this we'll dine together every
day âthough if you would rather eat in the
servants' hall, you will be well taken care
of there, and may enjoy it better."
Romagne, like a man of sense, decided
to go with the servants. He fixed himself
there, and behaved in such a way as to
win all hearts. Instead of putting on airs
10
146 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
because of the master's friendship, he was
more modest and good-natured than the
little scullion. In fact, M. l'Ambert had
given his servants a servant. Everybody
used him, laughed at his accent, and gave
him many a friendly cuff. No one ever
dreamed of paying him anything. M.
l'Ambert sometimes happened on him carrying water, moving heavy furniture, or
polishing the floors; and on such occasions
the good notary pinched his ear, and said,
"Amuse yourself; I'm willing; but don't
fatigue yourself too much."
The poor fellow was confused by so
many kindnesses, and went to his room to
weep for gratitude.
He could not keep it very long-that
large convenient chamber, adjoining the
master's apartment. M. l'Ambert delicately gave him to understand that his
valet-de-chzambre needed it very much â
and Romagn6 himself asked permission to
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I47
lodge in the garret. They were all eagerness to accommodate him, and he got a hole
which the kitchen girls had never cared to
take.
A wise man has said, " Happy the people who have no history." Sebastian
Romagne was happy three months. Early
in June he began to have a history âHis
heart, long invulnerable, was pierced by
the arrows of Cupid. The ex-water-carrier gave himself up, bound hand and foot,
to the god who destroyed Troy. He became aware, while shelling peas, that the
cook had fine little gray eyes and beautiful
big red cheeks.
A sigh fit to upset the tables was the
first symptom of his disorder. He wished
to unbosom himself; but the words stuck
in his throat. He scarcely dared catch his
Dulcinea around the waist and kiss her on
the lips, so excessive was his timidity.
He was understood at once. The cook
I48 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
was a capable girl, seven or eight years
older than he, and experienced in affairs of
the heart.
"I see what's the matter," she said;
"You want to marry me. Very well, my
boy, we can come to an understanding, if
you've anything to depend upon."
He answered naively that he had everything to depend upon that could be required of a man; namely, two strong arms
accustomed to work.
Demoiselle Jeannette laughed in his
face, and spoke more distinctly.
He burst out laughing, in his turn, and
said with the most amiable confidence:
"It'sh money that you want! Why
didn't you shay sho at firsht! I've got
lotsh of it. Money! how much will you
have? Name the shum. Will half M.
l'Ambert's fortune do? will that be
enough?"
"Half of Monsieur's fortune?"
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 149
" Shertainly; for he hash toold me sho
more than a hundred timesh. Half hish
fortune'sh mine; but we'b not dibided
the cash yet. He'sh keeping it for me."
"Nonsense!"
" Nonshenshe? Shtop! here he comesh,
I'll go and ashk him for my share, and
I'll bring the big pennies to you in the
kitchen."
Poor innocent! He received from his
master a good lesson in the grammar of
high life. M. l'Ambert impressed upon
him that to promise and to fulfil are not
necessarily synonymes. He went so far as
to explain (for he was in a good humor)
the merits and dangers of the figure of
speech called hyperbole; and finally he
told him with a gentle firmness, that admitted of no reply:
" Romagne, I've done a good deal for
you; and I want to do more, by sending
you away from this house. Good sense
I50 THE NOTARY S NOSE.
must tell you that you're not here as master; and I've too much goodness to let
you stay here as servant. In a word, I
think I should be doing you a poor service
in keeping you in an uncertain position,
which would spoil your habits and pervert
your character. A year more of this lazy,
dependent life, you would lose taste for
work, and you would become a man out
of place. Now, I ought to say to you,
that men out of their proper places are
the curse of our age. Put your hand on
your heart, and tell me if you would be
willing to become the curse of your age.
Poor, unfortunate fellow! haven't you
more than once sighed for the honest
name of laboring man-your title of nobility? For you are one of those whom God
has created to ennoble themselves by useful effort; you belong to the aristocracy
of labor. Work, then-no longer as you
used to, in uncertainty and privation; but
THE NOTARY S NOSE. 15I
in security which I will guarantee, and in
abundance proportionate to your modest
wants. I'll supply money enough to get
you established âand I'll get work for you.
If, through some impossibility, you should
lack the means of living, you will find
something to fall back upon wherever I am.
But give up this absurd project of marrying my cook. For you ought not to bind
your lot with that of a servant. And
I don't want any children about the
house!"
The unfortunate fellow wept with all his
eyes, and overflowed with expressions of
gratitude. I ought to say, in justice to M.
1'Ambert, that he did quite the proper
thing. He gave Romagn6 a fresh outfit
of clothing, furnished a chamber on the
fifth floor in an old house il the Rue
Cherche-mid, and gave him five hundred
francs to live upon while waiting for work.
A week had not passed before he got him
152 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
a place in a large looking-glass factory in
the Rue de S'vres.
Some time elapsed, perhaps six months,
without the notary's nose giving any intelligence of the man who furnished it.
But one day when our man of law, together with his head clerk, was deciphering the parchments of a rich and noble
family, his gold spectacles broke in the
middle, and fell on the table.
This little accident did not disturb him
much. He took up an eye-glass with a
steel spring, and sent his spectacles to the
quai des oifevres, to be exchanged.
His optician, M. Luna, took the trouble
to send a thousand excuses, with a pair
of new spectacles which broke, before
twenty-four hours had passed, in the same
spot.
A third pair met the same fate, and a
fourth followed, and broke just like them.
The optician no longer knew what kind of
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 153
an excuse to make. In the bottom of his
soul, he was persuaded that M. l'Ambert
was to blame. He said to his wife, showing her the devastation of the last four
days:
" This young man is not reasonable.
He wears number four glasses, which are
necessarily very heavy. And through
pure dandyism, wants the mounting as
slender as a thread; and I'm sure he
bangs his spectacles about as if they were
made of wrought-iron. If I were to say
anything, he would be put out. But I'm
going to send him something in stronger
mountings."
Madame Luna approved the idea; but
the fifth pair of spectacles met the fate of
the first four. This time M. l'Ambert
flushed angrily, though nothing had been
said to him, and took his custom to a rival
house.
But it seemed as though all the opti
154 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
cians in Paris had conspired to break their
spectacles over the poor millionnaire's nose.
A dozen pair came to grief there. And
the most marvellous thing about it was that
an eye-glass with a steel spring, which
filled in the interregnums, kept strong and
elastic.
You know patience was not M. 1'Ambert's distinctive virtue. One day he
was trampling on a pair of spectacles and
mashing them with blows of his heel, when
Dr. Bernier was announced.
"Parbleu!" cried the notary. "You
came just in the nick of time-I'm bewitched. The devil is going to fly away
with me! "
The doctor's glances were naturally directed toward his patient's nose. That
object appeared sound, well, and fresh as
a rose.
"It seems to me," said he, "we're
getting along very well."
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 155
"I? undoubtedly; but these cursed
spectacles won't get.along at all."
He told his story, and M. Bernier was
plunged in reflection.
" The Auvergnat is in the case somewhere. Have you any of the broken
mountings here?"
"There's one under my feet."
Mr. Bernier gathered it up, examined it
with a magnifying-glass, and thought that
the gold appeared silvered about the
place where it was broken.
" The devil! has Romagn6 been up to
any nonsense?" he said.
" What sort of nonsense do you suppose
he has been at? "
"He's always with you?"
"No; the monkey has left me; he's at
work in the city."
"I hope you've kept his address this
time."
156 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
"t Of course. Would you like to see
him?"
"The sooner, the better."
"Something dangerous about the place,
then? Nevertheless I'm very well myself."
" Let's go and see Romagn6 at once."
A quarter of an hour afterwards, the
gentlemen alighted at the door of Messieurs Taillade et Cie., Rue de Svevres.
A large sign cut out of pieces of glass
indicated the kind of business carried on
in the establishment.
" Here we are," said the notary.
"iWhat! Your man is employed in
there, then?"
"Certainly; I got him the place."
"Very well; there's less harm done
than I thought; but nevertheless you have
been guilty of a great imprudence."
"What are you driving at?"
"Let's go in first."
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 157
The first individual that they encountered in the work-shop was the Auvergnat,
with his shirt-sleeves rolled up, silvering
a glass.
"There! " said the doctor, "I foresaw
it clearly."
But what?"
" They silver these glasses with a film
of mercury, fastened under tin-foil; do
you understand?"
Not yet."
"That animal of yours is steeped in
it up to his elbows-what did I say?
why, he's covered with it up to his armpits!"
" I don't see the connection."
" You don't see, that your nose being a
portion of his arm, and gold having a
deplorable affinity for mercury, it will be
always impossible for you to protect your
spectacles."
" Sapristi /"
158 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
" But you've the choice of wearing steel
spectacles."
"I don't like them."
" Well, as matters stand, you risk nothing but a few mercurial accidents."
"Ah! but no; I'd ratherhave Romagne
do something else. Here! Romagn6, stop
work and come away with us. Won't you
ever get through, you brute? you don't
know what you're exposing me to."
The proprietor of the shop had run up
on hearing the noise. M. l'Ambert gave
his name in an important tone, and reminded him that he had recommended this
man, through his own upholsterer. M.
Taillade answered that he remembered it
perfectly; that it was for the sake of making himself agreeable to M. l'Ambert, and
to merit his good-will, that he had promoted his laborer to silvering glasses.
"A fortnight ago? " queried l'Ambert.
"Yes, monsieur; you knew it, then?"
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I59
"I knew it too well; ah! monsieur,
how anybody can play with such sacred
things!"
I have-?"
"No, nothing. But in my interest, in
yours, in the interest of all society, put
him where he was;-or rather, no-give
him to me, so that I can take him away.
I'll pay whatever is right. But time
presses. Doctor's orders! Romagnc, my
friend, you must follow me. Your fortune
is made. Everything that I have is
yours-No? But come just the same; I
assure you that I will satisfy you."
He scarcely left him time to dress himself, and rushed off with him like a beast
of prey. M. Taillade and his workmen
took him for a crazy man. Romagne, poor
fellow, raised his eyes to heaven and asked
himself, as they went along, what more
they could want with him.
His destiny was discussed in the car
I60 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
riage while he chatted with the coachman.
" My dear patient," said the doctor to
the millionnaire, " we must keep sight of
this fellow. I understand why you sent
him away, for he's not particularly agreeable company. But there's no use in sending him so far, nor in waiting so long without hearing from him. Settle him in the
Rue de Beaune, or the Rue de' Universig, near your house. Give him a business
less dangerous to you; or rather, if you feel
like it, give him a little pension, without
putting him at anything. If he works, he
tires himself and exposes himself. I don't
know any industry in which a man doesn't
risk his skin. Accidents come so suddenly.
Give him enough to live on without doing
anything. Nevertheless be particularly
careful not to put him too much at his
ease. He'll take to drink again; and you
kn-A: what will happen to you. A hun
THE NOTARY S NOSE. I6I
dred francs a month, and his rent free.
That'll be about enough."
"Perhaps it's too much; not as far as
the expense is concerned, but I'd like to
give him enough to eat, without giving
him anything to drink."
" Well, then, try four louis, payable in
four instalments; say every Tuesday."
Romagn6 was offered a pension of eighty
francs a month. But at first he was reluctant.
"Ish that all?" he said with scorn,
"It washn't worth while to take me out
of the Rue de S&Avres; I had three
francsh ten shoush a day; and I shent
money to my family; let me work among
the glashesh, or gib me three francsh ten
shoush."
It was absolutely necessary to go that
high, for he was master of the situation.
M. l'Ambert soon perceived that he had
done a wise thing. The year rolled round
11
162 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
without accident of any kind. Romagn6
was paid every week and watched every
day. He lived honestly and peacefully,
without any other passion than playing
skittles. And Mlle. Irma Steimbourg's
fine eyes reposed with visible complaisance
on the pink and white nose of the happy
millionnaire.
These two young people were partners
in every german that winter; and so
society married them. One evening, coming out of the Tzdetre IZalien, old Marquis de Villemaurin stopped l'Ambert on
the threshold.
"Well," said he, " when is the wedding
to be? "
"But, A. le Marquis, I've not heard
anything about one yet."
"Are you going to wait, then, until
some one asks you in marriage? It's
the man's part to speak. Morbleu! Little Duke de Lignant, a perfect gentle
THE NOTARY S NOSE. I63
man, and a good fellow, didn't wait for
me to offer him my daughter; not he; he
came, I liked him, and the thing was
done. To-day week we sign the contract.
You know, my dear boy, that the business
side of the affair is for you to attend to.
Let me put these ladies in the carriage,
and we'll walk to the square and have a
talk. But why the devil don't you put on
your hat? I didn't notice you were holding it in your hand. Ten chances to one
you've caught cold! "
The old man and the young one sauntered along side by side, to the Boulevard,
one talking and the other listening. And
M. l'Ambert went back home to prepare
the marriage contract of Mile. Charlotte
Auguste de Villemaurin. But he had
caught a horrible cold, there was no doubt
of that.
The instrument was sketched out by the
head clerk, revised by the business men of
164 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
the two fiancds, and finally engrossed on
a beautiful piece of stamped paper, to
which only the signatures were lacking.
On the appointed day, M. l'Ambert, a
slave to duty, went himself to the Hotel de
Villemaurin, in spite of a persistent influenza which nearly drove the eyes out of
his head. In the ante-chamber, he made
a final application of his handkerchief, and
the lackeys trembled on their benches as
if they had heard the trumpet of the last
judgment.
M. l'Ambert was announced. He had
on his spectacles, and smiled gravely, as
was his custom under similar circumstances.
With a perfectly tied cravat, neatly
gloved, shod in pumps as if for a ball, his
crush hat under his left arm, the contract
in his right hand, he went to pay his respects to the marchioness. Modestly in
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 165
sinuating himself through the group by
which she was surrounded, he said to
her:
"Madame la Marquishe, I hab brought
Mademoishellesh contract."
The Marquise de Villemaurin raised her
beautiful eyes in astonishment. A slight
murmur ran round the bystanders. M.
1'Ambert bowed again, and resumed:
"Shaprishti! Madame la Marquishe,
it ish a lobely day for the young woman."
A hand seized him by the left arm, and
made him turn round. In this performance he recognized the strength of the
Marquis.
"My dear notary," said the old gentleman, leading him to a corner, " the carnival certainly does permit a good many
things; but remember where you are, and
change your tone, if you please."
"But Moshoo le Marquish-"
"Again! you see that I'm patient:
i66 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
don't abuse it. Go and make your excuses to the Marquise, read your contract
to us, and then good-night."
"Why egscushesh? Why good-night?
You sheem to think I'b been doing shomething shtupid. Goodnesh gracioush!"
The Marquis made no reply, but made
a sign to the servants who were moving
about the parlor. The outer door was
opened, and a voice was heard calling in
the hall:
" M. l'Ambert's carriage!"
Astonished, confused, half out of his
mind, the poor notary went out, bowing,
and soon found himself in his carriage, without knowing why or how. He rubbed
his forehead, tore his hair, and pinched
his arm, to wake himself up, thinking it
likely that he had been the victim of a bad
dream. But no; he was not sleeping. He
looked at his watch, read the names of the
streets by the lamps, and recognized the
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 167
shops. What had he said, what had he
done, what propriety had he offended?
what awkwardness, what folly had brought
such treatment upon him? For there was
certainly no room for doubt, he had been
put out of M. de Villemaurin's door; and
the marriage contract was there in his
hand-the contract gotten up with so
much care, in such good style, and which
nobody had heard read!
He was in the court-yard of his own
house before finding any solution to the
problem. The appearance of his concierge inspired him with a brilliant idea.
" Shinguet! " he cried.
The little emaciated Singuet ran up.
" Shinguet, a hundred francsh for you,
if you'll shinsherely tell me the truth;
and a hundred kicksh if you consheal
anything."
Singuet looked at him with surprise
and smiled timidly.
I68 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
"You shcoundrel! you heartlesh rashcal! why are you shmiling? Ansher me
at onche! "
" My God! Monsieur," said the poor
devil; "if you'll permit me-Monsieur
must excuse me-but Monsieur imitates
Romagne's accent so well."
"Romagne's acshent! I! I shpeak like
Romagne! like an Oubregnat? "
" Monsieur understands it exactly; it
has been just so for a week! "
"It can't be! Goodnesh gracioush! I
didn't knoo it! "
Singuet raised his eyes to heaven, and
thought his master had gone crazy. M.
l'Ambert, aside from this cursed accent,
was in full possession of all his faculties.
He questioned his people one after
another, and was satisfied with regard to
his misfortune.
"Ah! that rashcally wooter-carrier!"
he cried. " I'm sure he hash been up to
THE NOTARY S NOSE. i69
shome nonshensh! Let shome one find
him t No; never mind; I'll go sheek
him myshelf! "
He hurried off on foot to his pensioner,
climbed the five pairs of stairs, rapped without waking him, got angry, and in despair
kicked the door in.
"Moshoo l'Ambert! " cried Romagnd.
(' You rashcal ob an Oubregnat!" responded the notary.
"Gracioush goodnesh!"
"Goodnesh gracioush!"
The two seemed doing their best to
tear the language to pieces. Their discussion lasted a good quarter of an hour,
in the purest Auvergnese, without clearing up the mystery. The one complained
bitterly as a victim, and the other defended himself eloquently as an innocent
man.
" You shtop here for me!" said M.
l'Ambert at length; "M. Bernier, the
170 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
doctor, will tell me thish very night what
shtuff you hab been up to."
He woke M. Bernier, and told him, in
the style which you have already been
made acquainted with, how he had spent
his evening. The doctor gave a laugh,
and said:
"Here's a good deal of fuss over a
trifle! Romagne is innocent; you have
nobody to blame but yourself. There
you stood, with your head bare, going out
of the theatre. All the trouble comes from
that. You got a cold in your head,
therefore you speak through your nose,
therefore you speak like an Auvergnat.
That's logic. Go home, inhale a little
aconite; keep your feet warm and your
head cool; take the usual precautions
against influenza, for now you know how
much depends on your nose!"
The unfortunate man returned to his
hotel, cursing like a good fellow.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 171
"Sho," said he aloud, " my precautionsh
are uselesh. I hab been careful in lodging, feeding, and watching thish raschally
wooter-carrier, and he'sh alwaysh playing
me tricksh; and I shall alwaysh be hish
bictim without being able to accushe him
ob anything. Then why should I shpend
sho much money. Blessh me! Sho much
the better; I'll shave hish pension."
No sooner said than done. The next
day, Romagne, still half frightened out of
his wits, came to get his weekly stipend.
Singuet met him at the door, and told him
that there was nothing more there for him.
He philosophically shrugged his shoulders
like a man who, without having read the
epistles of Horace, instinctively practised
the " Ni adrmirari." Singuet, who
wished him well, asked him what he
was going to do. He answered that he
was going to look for work. It was just
as well; for this forced indolence had
172 TEE NOTARY'S NOSE.
borne very heavily on him for a long
time.
M. l'Ambert cured his influenza, and congratulated himself upon having wiped out
from his accounts the item " Romagn6."
No further accident came to interrupt the
course of his happiness. He made peace
with the Marquis de Villemaurin, and with
all his patrons in the Faubourg, whom he
had scandalized a little. Thus delivered
from all care, he could unrestrainedly
give himself up to the sweet inclination
which drew him toward the dowry of
Mlle. Steimbourg. Happy l'Ambert! He
poured forth his heart, and displayed the
chaste and eminently proper sentiments
with which it was filled. The beautiful
and discreet girl gave him her hand in the
English fashion, and said:
"Done! My parents agree with me.
I'll give you my instructions for the wedding-presents. Let's hurry up, and get
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 173
through the formalities, so we can go to
Italy before the end of the winter."
Love lent him wings. He bought the
wedding presents without any haggling,
delivered over the apartment of "Madame" to the upholsterers, ordered a new
carriage, chose two chestnut horses of the
rarest beauty, and hurried the publication
of the bans. The parting dinner which he
gave to his friends is inscribed among the
records of the Cafd Anglais. His mistresses received his farewells and his
bracelets with restrained emotion.
The cards of invitation announced that
the ceremony would take place at the
church of Saint Thomas d'Aquin, on the
third of March, at one o'clock precisely.
It is unnecessary to say that the high altar had been engaged and all the mise en
scBne of first-class marriages.
On the third of March, at eight o'clock
in the morning, M. l'Ambert woke up with
174 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
out being called smiled at the first rays of
a beautiful day, took his handkerchief from
under his pillow, and carried it to his nose
so as to clear up his ideas. But his nose
was no longer there, and the cambric handkerchief covered nothing but an empty void.
With a bound, the notary was before the
mirror. Horror and malediction! (As
they say in romances of the old school.)
He saw himself as badly disfigured as he
was when he returned from Parthenay.
To run to his bed, and pull over sheets and
coverings, look between the bed and the
wall, explore the mattress and paliaster,
shake the furniture standing near, and turn
the whole room topsy-turvy, took him
but two minutes.
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
He hung on to the bell-pull, called his
servants to the rescue, and swore that he
would drive them off, like so many dogs,
if his nose were not found. Fruitless men
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 175
ace! the nose was as hard to find as the
Chamber of Deputies in I8I6.
Two hours were passed in agitation,
disorder, and noise. Meanwhile, Steimbourg the elder put'on his blue coat with
gold buttons; Madame Steimbourg, in festive array, superintended two chambermaids and three hair-dressers, going,
coming, and marching around the beautiful
Irma. The pale bride, covered with rice
powder, like a doughnut before frying,
tapped her foot with impatience, and
scolded everybody with admirable impartiality. The mayor of the tenth arrondissement, gotten up in his red scarf, walked up
and down a great empty salon, preparing
a little impromptu speech. The privileged
mendicants of the church of Saint
Thomas d'Aquin gave chase to two or
three intruders who had come from no one
knows where to dispute with them the
handsome alms they expected. And M.
I76 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
Henri Steimbourg, who had been for half
an hour chewing a cigar in his father's
smoking-room, was astonished that his
dear Alfred had not yet made his appearance.
At last he lost patience, ran to the Rue
de Sartine, and found his future brotherin-law in despair and tears. What could
he say to console him under such a misfortune? He walked around him a long
time, simply repeating the word "Sacrebleu! " He made him relate the fatal circumstance a second time, and interlarded
the conversation with several philosophic
sentences.
And that pretty thoroughly cursed
doctor, who did not come! He had
been sent for post-haste. They had
sought him at his house, at the hospital,
everywhere. He arrived after a while,
and understood at the first glance that
Romagn6 was dead.
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I77
"I don't doubt it," said the notary, with
a fresh accession of tears. "That rascally
brute of a Romagne!"
Which was the funeral sermon of the
unlucky Auvergnat.
"And now, Doctor, what are we to
do?"
" We can get a new Romagne and
begin the experiment over again; but you
have experienced the inconveniences of
this system, and if you take my advice
you will go back to the Indian method."
"Skin from my forehead? Never!
I'd rather have a silver nose."
" They make very elegant ones now,"
said the doctor.
"But still the question is, whether Mlle.
Irma Steimbourg would consent to marry
a man with a silver nose. Henri, my dear
old fellow! what do you think about it?"
Henri Steimbourg hung his head, and
made no reply. He went to tell the news
12
178 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
to his family and to take Mile. Irma's
orders. That amiable lady had an access
of heroism when she learned the misfortune of her betrothed.
" Do you think, then," she cried, "that
I marry him for his looks? If that were
the case, I should have taken my cousin
Roderigue, the clerk in the foreign office. 9
Roderigue was not so rich, but a great deal
handsomer than he. I have given my
hand to M. l'Ambert because he is an
elegant gentleman, of admirable social
position; because his character, his
horses, his disposition, his tailor, in fact,
everything about him, delights and enchants me. Moreover, I'm ready dressed,
and an interruption to this marriage would
injure my reputation. Let's hasten to
him, mother; I'll take him as he is."
But when she was in the presence of the
mutilated man, this fine enthusiasm did not
hold out. She fainted. She was brought
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. 179
to, but only to burst into tears. Amid her
sobs was heard a cry which seemed to
burst from her very soul:
" 0, Roderigue! I've been very unjust
to you!"
M. I'Ambert remained a bachelor. He
had himself a nose made of enamelled silver, and transferred his practice to his
head clerk. A modest little house was for
sale near the Invalides. He bought it.
A few friends-good livers-brightened
up his retreat. He got together a choice
wine-cellar, and consoled himself as well
as he could. The finest bottles of Chateau-Yquem, the best years of ClosVougeot, were his. He sometimes said
jokingly:
"I've the advantage of other men: I
can drink all I want, without giving myself
a red nose."
He remains faithful to his political convictions, reads good papers, and prays for
I80 THE NOTARY'S NOSE.
the success of the Count de Chambord.
But he does not send him any money.
The pleasure of handling his gold brings
him a sweet intoxication. He passes his
life between two wines and two millions.
One evening last week, as he was sauntering leisurely, cane in hand, along the
Rue Eble, he uttered a cry of surprise.
Romagne's ghost, dressed in blue velveteen, rose before him!
Was it really a ghost? Ghosts do not
carry anything, and this one was carrying
a trunk with a shoulder-strap.
"Romagnei!" cried the notary.
The other raised his eyes, and answered
in his heavy and tranquil voice:
" Good-ebening, Mloshoo l'Ambert."
"You speak! You are alive, then! "
"Shertainly I'm alibe."
"You wretch! what have you done
with my nose? "
As he spoke, he seized him by the col
THE NOTARY'S NOSE. I81
lar and shook him. The Auvergnat disengaged himself with some difficulty, and
replied:
" Shtop! leabe me alone; I can't take
up for myshelf. Blessh me! you shee I
only hab one arm. When you shtopped
my money, I found a plashe at a machinisht's, and got my arm shmashed between
shome wheelsh!"
UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
I.
I AM sure that you have passed Doctor
Auvray's house twenty times without supposing that miracles are performed there.
It is a modest-looking house, without any
display or any sign: it does not even bear
on its door the unattractive inscriptionMaison de sanlt. It is situated near the
end of the Avenue Montaigne, between
Prince Soltikoff's gothic palace and the
great Triat's gymnasium where they regenerate mankind on the trapeze. A gate,
painted in imitation of bronze, opens upon
a little garden of lilacs and roses. The
porter's lodge is at the right; the building
i86 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
at the left contains the doctor's rooms, and
those of his wife and daughter. The principal building is at the remote end: it turns
its back upon the avenue, and opens all its
windows to the south-east on a little park,
well planted with chestnuts and lindens.
There the doctor cares for, and often
cures, people who have lost their minds.
I would not take you into his establishment, if you ran any risk of meeting all
kinds of insanity; but do not be afraid;
you will not have the distressing spectacle of imbecility, paralytic insanity, or
even utter loss of intelligence. M, Auvray has created for himself what is
called a specialty; he treats monomania.
He is an excellent man, full of intelligence
and learning: a real philosopher and pupil
of Esquirol and Laromiguiere. If you
were ever to meet him, with his bald head,
well-shaven chin, black vestments, and
placid face, you would not know whether
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 187
he were doctor, professor, or priest. When
he opens his heavy eyes, you expect him
to say: " My child!" His eyes are not
ugly, considering how they protrude, and
they throw around him glances comprehensive, limpid, and serene, beneath which
you see a world of kindly thoughts.
Those large eyes are the open doors of a
beautiful soul. M. Auvray's vocation was
decided when he was at the medical school.
He gave himself up passionately to the
study of monomania âthat curious disturbance of the faculties which is seldom due
to a physical cause, which does not answer
to any perceptible lesion in the nervous
system, and which is cured by moral treatment. He was seconded in his observations by a young female superintendent
of one of the wards, who was quite pretty
and very well educated. He fell in love
with her, and as soon as he got his degree, married her. It was a modest en
I88 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
trance upon life. Nevertheless, he had a
little property which he devoted to founding the establishment you know. With a
touch of charlatanism, he could have made
a fortune; he was satisfied to make his
expenses. He avoided notoriety, and
whenever he attained a marvellous cure,
he did not proclaim it from the housetops.
His reputation made itself, and almost in
spite of him. His treatise on Monomanie
raisoznante, which he published through
Bailliere in i842, is in its sixth edition without the author having sent a single copy
to the papers. Modesty is certainly good
in itself, but it ought not to be carried to
an extreme. Mlle. Auvray has not more
than twenty thousand francs dowry, and
she will be twenty-two years old in April.
About a fortnight ago (it was, I think,
on Wednesday, December I3th), a cab
stopped before M. Auvray's gate. The
driver rang, and the gate was opened.
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 189
The carriage went on to the doctor's
house, and two men briskly entered his
office. The servant begged them to sit
down and wait till the doctor had finished
his rounds. It was ten o'clock in the
morning.
One of the strangers was a man of fifty,
large, brown, full-blooded, of high color,
passably ugly and specially ill-made; his
ears were pierced, his hands large, and
his thumbs enormous. Fancy a workman
dressed in his employer's clothes: such is
M. Morlot.
His nephew, Francois Thomas, is a
young man of twenty-three, hard to
describe, because he is just like everybody else. He is neither large nor small,
handsome nor ugly, developed like a Hercules nor spindled like a dandy, but, maintaining the happy medium throughout,
unobtrusive from head to foot, hair of no
particular color, and mind and clothes of
I90 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
the same. When he entered M. Auvray's
house, he seemed very much agitated; he
walked up and down apparently in a rage,
would not keep still anywhere, looked at
twenty things at once, and would have
handled them all if his hands had not
been tied.
"Calm yourself," said his uncle; "what
I'm doing is for your good. You'll be
happy here, and the doctor will cure
you.
" I'm not sick. Why have you tied
me? "
"Because you would have thrown me
out of the carriage. You're not in your
right mind, my poor FranCois; M. Auvray will restore you."
" I reason as clearly as you do, uncle,
and I don't know what you're talking
about. My mind is clear, my judgment
sound, and my memory excellent. Would
you like me to repeat some verses? Shall
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 19I
I translate some Latin? Here's a Tacitus in this bookcase... If you would
prefer a different experiment, I can solve
a problem in Arithmetic or Geometry....
You don't care to have me? Very well!
Listen to what we have done this morning:
"You came in at eight o'clock, not to
wake me, for I was not asleep, but to get
me out of bed. I dressed myself, without
Germain's help; you asked me to go with
you to Dr. Auvray's; I refused; you insisted; I got angry; Germain helped you to
tie my hands; I'll discharge him to-night.
I owe him thirteen days' wages: that is
thirteen francs, as I engaged him at thirty
francs a month. You owe him damages:
you are the cause of his losing his Christmas-gift. Is this reasoning? And do you
still think you can make me out crazy?
Ah! my dear uncle, take a better view of
things! Remember that my mother was
I92 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
your sister! What would she say-my
poor mother!-if she were to see me here.
I bear you no ill will, and everything
can be arranged pleasantly. You have a
daughter, Mlle. Claire Morlot.. "
"Ah! there I have you! You see
clearly enough that you are out of your
head. I have a daughter? I? But I'm
a bachelor. A confirmed bachelor!"
" You have a daughter," replied Francois, mechanically.
"My poornephew! Let us see. Listen
to me carefully. Have you a cousin?"
"A cousin? No. I have no cousin.
Oh! you won't find me out of my reckoning; I have no cousins of either sex."
"I am your uncle; isn't that so? "
"Yes, you are my uncle, although you
forgot it this morning."
" If I had a daughter she would be your
cousin; now you have no cousin, therefore
I have no daughter."
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. I93
"You're right. I had the happiness
of seeing her this summer at Ems Springs,
with her mother. I love her; I have
reason to think that I am not indifferent to
her, and I have the honor to ask you for
her hand."
"Whose hand?"
"Mademoiselle's hand-your daughter's."
" Well, so be it," thought M. Morlot;
"M. Auvray will be very skilful if he cures
him. I will pay six thousand francs board
from my nephew's income. Six from thirty, leaves twenty-four. I shall be rich.
Poor Francois! "
He seated himself and casually opened
a book. " Sit down there," he said to the
young man; "I'll read you something.
Try to listen: it will calm you down." He
read:
"Monomania is the persistence of one
idea, the exclusive domination of a single
13
194 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
passion. Its seat is in the heart; there it
must be sought and there it must be cured.
Its cause is love, fear, vanity, ambition,
remorse. It displays itself by the same
symptoms as passion generally; sometimes
by joy, gayety, daring, and noise; sometimes by timidity, sadness, and silence."
During the reading, Francois seemed to
grow quiet and drop asleep. " Bravo!"
thought M. Morlot. "Here's a miracle
performed by medicine already: it puts a
man to sleep who has been neither hungry
nor drowsy." Francois was not asleep,
but he played possum to perfection. He
nodded at proper intervals, and regulated
the heavy monotone of his breathing with
mathematical accuracy. Uncle Morlot was
taken in: he continued reading in a subdued voice, then yawned, then stopped
reading, then let his book slip down, then
shut his eyes, and then went sound asleep,
much to the satisfaction of his nephew,
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. I95
who watched him maliciously out of the
corner of his eye.
Francois began by moving his chair:
M. Morlot budged no more than a tree.
Franqois walked about the room, making
his shoes creak on the inlaid floor: M.
Morlot began snoring. Then the crazy
man went to the writing table, found an
eraser, pushed it into a corner, fixed it
firmly by the handle and cut the cord
which bound his arms. He freed himself,
recovered the use of his hands, repressed
a cry of joy, and stealthily approached his
uncle. In two minutes M. Morlot was
firmly bound, but with so much delicacy
that his sleep was not even troubled.
FranCois admired his work, and picked
up the book which had slipped to the
floor. It was the last edition of the
Monomanie raissonnante. He took it into a
corner, and set to reading like a bookworm,
while he awaited the doctor's arrival.
LI.
IT now becomes necessary for me to
recount the antecedents of Franqois and
his uncle. Francois was the son of a late
toy dealer in the Passage du Saumzon,
named M. Thomas. Toy-selling is a
good business; a hundred per cent. is
cleared on almost every article. Since
his father's death, Francois had enjoyed
a competence of the degree called "honorable," undoubtedly because it obviates the
necessity of doing dishonorable things;
perhaps, too, because it makes practicable
the doing of the honors to one's friends:
he had thirty thousand francs income.
His tastes were extremely simple, as I
think I have told you. He had an innate
preference for things which are not glaring,
and naturally selected his gloves, vests,
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 197
and coats from the series of modest colors
lying between black and brown. He did
not remember having dreamed of plumes,
even in his tenderest childhood, and the
ribbons most desired had never troubled
his sleep. He never carried an operaglass, because, he said, his eyes were
good; nor wore a scarf-pin, because his
scarf would keep in place without a pin;
but the real reason was that he was afraid
of attracting attention. The very polish of
his boots dazzled him. He would have
been doomed to wretchedness if the accident of birth had afflicted him with a noticeable name. If, for the sake of giving
him one, his sponsors had called him
Americ or Fernand, he would never have
signed it in his life. Happily, his names
were as unobtrusive as if he had chosen
them himself.
His timidity prevented him from entering upon any career. After crossing the
198 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
threshold of his baccalaureate, he stopped
by that great door which opens upon
everything, and stood rapt in contemplation before the seven or eight roads which
were lying before him. The bar seemed
to him too boisterous, medicine too devoid
of rest, a tutorship too arrogant, commerce too complicated, the civil-service
too constraining.
As to the army, it was useless to think
of that: not that he was afraid to fight,
but he trembled at the idea of wearing a
uniform. He remained, then, in his original way of life, not because it was the
easiest, but because it was the most obscure: he lived on his income.
As he had not earned his money himself, he lent it freely. In return for so rare
a virtue, Heaven gave him plenty of friends.
He loved them all sincerely, and acceded
to their wishes with very good grace.
When he met one of them on the Boule
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 199
vard, he was always the one to be taken
by the arm, turned about, and taken where
his friend desired. Don't think that he
was either foolish, shallow, or ignorant.
He knew three or four modern languages,
Latin, Greek, and everything else usually
learned at college; he had some ideas of
commerce, manufactures, agriculture, and
literature, and he estimated a new book
well, if there was nobody near to listen to
his opinion.
But it was among women that his weakness showed itself in its full strength. It
was a necessity of his nature always to
be in love with somebody, and if in rubbing
his eyes in the morning he saw no gleam
of love on the horizon, he got up out of
sorts and infallibly put his stockings on
wrong side out. Whenever he was at a
concert or a play, he began by searching
among the audience for some face that
pleased him, and was in love with it the
200 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
whole evening. If he found one to suit him,
the play was fine, the concert delicious;
otherwise, everybody played badly or sang
false. His heart so abhorred a vacuum,
that in presence of a mediocre beauty it
spurred him to believe her perfect. You
will realize without my help, that this universal susceptibility was by no means licentiousness, but innocence. He loved all
women without telling them so, for he had
never dared to speak to one. He was the
most candid and inoffensive of roues; Don
Juan, if you please, but before Donna Julia.
When he was in love, he rehearsed to
himself courageous declarations, which
regularly died upon his lips. He paid his
court; laid open the very bottom of his
soul; held long conversations and charming dialogues, in which he made both the
questions and replies. He made appeals
energetic enough to soften rocks, and
warm enough to melt ice; but no woman
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 20I
was drawn towards him by his mute aspirations: one must want, to be loved.
There is a great difference between desiring and wanting; desiring floats easily upon
the clouds: wanting runs on foot among the
flints. One watches for every chance, the
other demands nothing but its own existence; wanting marches straight to its
point over hedges and ditches, ravines and
mountains; desiring remains seated at
home and cries in its sweetest voice:
" Clocher, cdocher, arrive, ou je suis mort! "'
Nevertheless, in the August of this very
year, four months before pinioning his
uncle's arms, Fran;ois had dared to love
face to face. At the Ems Springs, he had
met a young girl almost as shy as himself,
whose shuddering timidity had given him
courage. She was a Parisienne, frail and
delicate as fruit grown on the shady side
of a wall: transparent as those lovely
children whose blue blood can be seen
202 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
distinctly under their skin. She accompanied her mother, whom an inveterate
disorder (a chronic trouble of the throat,
if I am not mistaken) obliged to take
the waters. Mother and daughter must
have lived apart from the world, for they
regarded the boisterous crowd of bathers
with long looks of astonishment. Francois
was casually presented to them by one of
his friends, who had become cured and was
going to Italy through Germany. He attended them assiduously for a month, and
was virtually their only companion. For
sensitive souls, the crowd is a vast solitude; the more noise the world makes
around them, the more do they shrink into
their corner to whisper into each other's
ears. The young Parisienne and her
mother went right into Francois' heart as
naturally as from one room to the next,
and found it pleasant there. Every day
they discovered new treasures, like the
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 203
navigators who first set foot in America:
they wandered with even fresh delights
over this mysterious and virgin land.
They never asked themselves if he were
rich or poor; they were satisfied to know
that he was good; and nothing they might
find could be more precious to them than
that heart of gold. On his side, Franqois
was inspired with his metamorphosis. Has
any one ever told you how spring breaks
upon the gardens in Russia? Yesterday
the snow covered everything: to-day comes
a ray of sunshine which puts winter to
flight. At noon the trees burst their buds:
by night they are covered with leaves: tomorrow they almost bear fruit. So did
Francois' love bloom and bear its freight
of promise. His coldness and constraint
were carried away like icicles in a thaw;
the shamefaced and pusillanimous boy, in
a few weeks became a man. I do not
know who first uttered the word marriage,
204 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
but what difference does it make? The
word is always understood when two true
hearts speak of love.
Francois was of age and his own
master, but his beloved depended upon a
father whose consent it was necessary to
obtain. There the unfortunate youth's
timidity mastered him again. It was well
enough for Claire to say to him: "Write
unhesitatingly; my father is already notified: you will receive his consent by return
mail." He wrote and re-wrote this letter
over a hundred times, without being able to
make up his mind to send it. Nevertheless,
it was an easy task, and the most ordinary
intelligence would have performed it with
credit. Francois knew the name, position,
fortune, and even the temperament of his
future father-in-law. They had let him
into all the domestic secrets; he was almost one of the family. What was left for
him to do? To state, in a few words,
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 205
what he was and what he had; the reply
was not doubtful. He hesitated so long,
that at the end of a month Claire and her
mother were forced to entertain misgivings
regarding him. I think they would have
still been patient for a fortnight longer,
but the paternal wisdom did not permit it.
If Claire was in love, if her lover had not
decided to make a formal declaration of
his intentions, the thing to do was, without
losing any time, to get the girl in a safe
place in Paris. Possibly then M. Fran9ois
Thomas would make up his mind to ask
her in marriage: he knew where to find
her.
One day when Francois went to take
the ladies out walking, the hotel-keeper
told him that they had left for Paris.
Their rooms were already occupied by an
English family. Such a rude blow falling
suddenly upon such a delicate head, destroyed his reason. He went out like an
206 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
idiot, and began looking for Claire in all
the places where he had been used to taking her. He went to his lodgings with a
violent pain in his head, which he treated
God only knows how. He had himself
bled, took boiling-hot baths, applied ferocious sinapisms, and in short revenged on
his body the tortures of his soul. When
he considered himself cured, he started for
France, resolved to apply for Claire's hand
before changing his coat. He hurried to
Paris, sprang from the car, forgot his
baggage, jumped into a cab, and cried to
the driver:
"To her! Gallop!"
"Where to, Boss?"
"To Monsieur ---, Rue -- -, I
don't know any more." He had forgotten
the name and address of the woman he
loved. " Go ahead to my house; I'll find
it again." He gave the coachman his card
and was taken home.
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 207
His concierge was a childless old man
named Emmanuel. On meeting him,
Francois bowed low and said:
" Monsieur, you have a daughter, Mlle.
Claire Emmanuel. I wanted to write you
to ask for her hand; but I thought it would
be better to make the request in person."
They realized that he was crazy, and
ran to the Faubourg St. Antoine to find
his Uncle Morlot.
Uncle Morlot was the most honest man
in the Rue de Charonne, which is one of
the longest streets in Paris. He made antique furniture with ordinary skill and extraordinary conscientiousness. It was not
his way to represent stained pear-wood as
ebony, or a cabinet of his own make as
a mediaeval piece! Nevertheless, he knew
as well as anybody the art of cracking new
wood and making it appear full of wormholes of which worms were entirely innocent, But it was his principle and his law
208 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
to wrong nobody. With a moderation almost absurd in the manufacture of articles
of luxury, he limited his profits to five per
cent. over and above the general expenses
of his establishment: consequently he had
gained more respect than money. When
he made out a bill, he went over the addition three times, so fearful was he of misleading somebody to his own advantage.
After thirty years of this business, he
was just about as rich as when he left his
apprenticeship. He had made his living
like the humblest of his employees, and he
asked himself, with a touch of jealousy,
how M. Thomas had managed to lay up
money. His brother-in-law looked down
on him a little, with the vanity characteristic of parvenus, but he looked down upon
his brother more effectually, with the pride
of a man who never cared to become a
parvenu. He made a parade of his mediocrity, and said with plebeian self-conceit,
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 209
"At least I'm sure that I've nothing that
belongs to anybody else."
Man is a strange animal: I am not the
first who has said so. This excellent M.
Morlot, whose hyper-scrupulous honesty
amused the whole faubourg, felt an agreeable tickling at the bottom of his heart,
when they came to tell him of his nephew's
disorder. He heard an insinuating little
voice saying to him, very low, " If Francois
is insane, you'll be his guardian." Probity
hastened to reply: "We won't be any
richer." â" How? " answered the voice:
"Certainly an insane man's board never
costs thirty thousand francs a year. Moreover, we shall have all the trouble; we'll
have to neglect our business; we deserve
more compensation; we won't wrong anybody." â" But," replied Disinterestedness,
"one ought to help his relations without
charging them for it."-" Certainly," murmured the voice.-" Then why didn't our
210 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
family ever do anything for us? " â" Bah!"
responded the goodness of his heart.
"This won't amount to anything, anyway;
it's only a false alarm. Francois will be
well in a couple of days." â" Possibly,
however," continued the obstinate voice,
"the malady will kill the patient, and we'll
inherit without wronging anybody. We've
worked thirty years for the sovereign who
reigns at Potsdam; " who knows but what
a blow on a cracked head, may make our
fortune? "
The good man stopped his ears; but
his ears were so large, so ample, so nobly
expanded, like a conch-shell, that the subtle and persevering little voice always
slipped into them in spite of him. The
establishment in the Rue de Charonne
was left to the care of the foreman, and
the uncle established his winter-quarters
in his nephew's pretty rooms. He slept
in a good bed, and liked it. He sat at an
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 211I
excellent table, and the cramps in the
stomach which he had complained of for
many years, were cured by magic. He
was waited upon, dressed, and shaved by
Germain, and he got used to it. Little by
little he consoled himself for seeing his
nephew sick. He fell into the habit of
thinking that perhaps Francois never
would get well; nevertheless, he repeated
to himself now and then, to keep his
conscience easy, "I'm not injuring anybody."
At the end of three months, he got
tired of having a crazy man in the house,
for he began to feel as if he were at home
there himself. Francois's perpetual drivelling, and his mania for asking Claire in
marriage, came to be an intolerable burden to the old man: he resolved to clear
the house and shut the sick man up at M.
Auvray's. "After all," he said to himself, "my nephew will get better care
212 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
there, and I shall be more at ease.
Science has recognized that it is well to
give the insane change of scene to divert
them: I'm doing my duty."
With such thoughts as these he went
to sleep, when Francois took it into his
head to tie his hands; what an awakening!
III.
THE doctor came in with apologies for
keeping them waiting. FranCois got up,
put his hat on the table, and explained
matters with great volubility, while striding up and down the room.
"Monsieur," said he, "this is my maternal uncle, whom I am about to confide
to your care. You see in him a man of
from forty-five to fifty, hardened to manual labor and the privations of a life of
hard work; as to the rest, born of healthy
parents, in a family where no case of
mental aberration has ever been known.
You will not, then, have to contend
against an hereditary disorder. His
trouble is one of the most curious monomanias which you ever had occasion to
examine. He passes with inconceivable
214 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
rapidity from extreme gayety to extreme
depression; it is a singular compound of
monomania proper and melancholy."
"He has not entirely lost his reason?"
"No, monsieur, he's not absolutely
demented; he's unsound on but one
point, so he comes entirely within your
specialty."
"( What's the characteristic of his malady? "
" Alas, monsieur, the characteristic of
our times-cupidity. The poor fellow is
certainly the man of the period. After
working from childhood, he finds himself
poor. My father, starting where he did,
left me considerable property. My uncle
began by being jealous; then realizing
that he was my only relation, and would
be my heir in case of death, or my guardian in case of insanity, as a weak mind
easily believes what it desires, the unhappy man persuaded himself that I had lost
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 215
my mind. He has told everybody so:
will say the same to you. In the carriage, although his own hands were
bound, he thought that it was he who
was bringing me to you."
"When was the first attack?"
"About three months ago. He went
down and said to my concierge, with a
frightened air:' Monsieur Emmanuel, you
have a daughter; leave her in your lodge,
and come and help me bind my nephew."'
" Does he realize his condition?
Does he know that he is not himself?"
"No, monsieur, and I think that's a
good sign. I'll tell you, moreover, that
he has some remarkable derangements of
the vital functions, and especially of nutrition. He has entirely lost appetite,
and is subject to long periods of sleeplessness."
"So much the better. A deranged
person who sleeps and eats regularly is
216 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
almost incurable. Let me wake him
up.
M. Auvray gently shook the shoulder
of the sleeper, who sprang to his feet.
His first movement was to rub his eyes.
When he found his hands bound, he realized what had happened while he slept,
and burst out laughing.
" That's a good joke! " he said.
Franmois drew the doctor aside.' You see! Well, in five minutes he
will be raving."
" Leave him to me. I know how to
take them." He approached his patient
smiling as one does upon a child whom
he wishes to amuse. " My friend," he
said, "you woke up at the right time.
Did you have pleasant dreams?"
"I? I've not been dreaming. I
laughed at seeing myself tied up like a
bundle of sticks. People would take me
for the crazy one."
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 217
"There!" said Franqois.
"Have the kindness to let me loose,
doctor. I can explain matters better when
I'm free."
" My child, I'm going to untie you;
but you must promise to be very good."
"Why, monsieur, do you really take
me for a madman? "
" No, my friend, but you're not well.
We'll take care of you and cure you.
Hold still. Now your hands are free.
Don't abuse it."
"' Why, what the devil do you suppose
I'll do? I've brought you my nephew-"
"Very well," said M. Auvray, "we'll
talk about that in good time. I found
you asleep; do you often sleep in the
daytime?"
"Never! This stupid book-"
"Oh! oh!" said the author, " the case
is serious. And so you think your nephew is mad?"
218 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
" Mad enough to be tied up, monsieur;
and the proof is, that I had fastened his
hands together with this rope."
" But you're the one whose hands were
tied. Don't you remember that I set you
free?"
" It was I? It was he! But let me explain the whole affair."
" Tut, my friend, you're getting excited:
you're very red in the face. I don't want
you to tire yourself. Just be content to
answer my questions. You say that your
nephew is ill? "
" Crazy, crazy, crazy!"
"And you are satisfied to see him
crazy?"
" I?"
"Answer me frankly. You're not anxious for him to get well: isn't that so?"
"Why? "
"So that his fortune can remain in your
hands. You want to be rich. You don't
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 219
like having worked so long without making
a fortune. You think it's your turn now?"
M. Morlot did not answer. He kept
his eyes fixed on the floor. He asked
himself if he were not having a bad
dream, and tried to make out what was
real in this experience of pinioned hands,
cross-examinations, and questions from a
stranger who read his conscience like an
open book.
" Does he hear voices?" asked M.
Auvray.
The poor uncle felt his hair stand on end.
He remembered that persistent little voice
which kept whispering in his ear, and he
answered mechanically: " Sometimes."
"Ah! he has hallucinations?"
"No, no! I'm not ill; let me go. I'll
lose my senses here. Ask all my friends;
they'll tell you that I'm in full possession
of my faculties. Feel my pulse; you'll
see that I've no fever."
220 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
"Poor Uncle!" said Frangois. "He
doesn't know that insanity is madness
without fever."
"Monsieur," added the doctor, "if we
could only give our patients fever, we'd
cure them all."
M. Morlot threw himself on the sofa;
his nephew continued to pace the doctor's
study.
" Monsieur," said Francois, "I am
deeply afflicted by my uncle's misfortune,
but it is a great consolation to be able to
entrust him to such a man as yourself. I
have read your admirable book on La
AMonzamanie raisonnante. it is the most
remarkable book that has been written on the subject, since the Traite des
Maladies mentales, by the great Esquirol.
I know, moreover, that you are a father to
your patients, so I will not insult you by
recommending M. Morlot to special care.
As to the expense of his treatment, I leave
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 221
that entirely to you." He took a thousand-franc note from his pocket-book, and
quietly laid it on the mantel. "I shall
have the honor to present myself here in
the course of next week. At what hour
is access to the patients allowed? "
"From noon till two o'clock. As for
me, I'm always at home. Good-day,
monsieur."
"Stop him!" cried the poor uncle.
"Don't let him go! He's the crazy one;
I'll explain his madness! "
" Pray calm yourself, my dear uncle,"
said Francois going out; "I leave you in
M. Auvray's hands; he'll take good care
of you."
M. Morlot tried to follow his nephew.
The doctor held him back.
"What awful luck!" ciied the poor
uncle. "He won't say a single crazy
thing! If he would only lose his bearings
222 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
a little, you'd see well enough that it's not
I who am crazy."
FranSois already had hold of the doorknob. He turned on his heel, as if he had
forgotten something: marched straight up
to the doctor, and said to him:
" Monsieur, my uncle's illness is not the
only motive which brought me here."
" Ah! ah! " murmured M. Morlot, who
thought he saw a ray of hope.
The young man continued:
"You have a daughter."
"At last!" cried the poor uncle.
"You'll bear witness that he said,' You
have a daughter!'"
The doctor replied to Francois: "Yes,
Monsieur. Explain.."
" You have a daughter, Mlle. Claire
Auvray."
"There it is! There it is! I told you
that very thing! "
" Yes, Monsieur," said the doctor.
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 223
"Three months since, she was at the
Ems Springs with her mother."
"Bravo! bravo! " yelled M. Morlot.
"Yes, Monsieur," responded the doctor.
M. Morlot ran up to the doctor and
said: " You're not the doctor! You're one
of the patients! "
"My friend," replied the doctor, "if
you don't behave yourself, we'll have to
give you a shower-bath."
M. Morlot recoiled, frightened. His
nephew continued:
" Monsieur, I love Mademoiselle âyour
daughter. I have some hope that I'm
loved in return, and if her sentiments have
not changed since September, I have the
honor to ask you for her hand."
The doctor answered: "This is Monsieur Francois Thomas, then, with whom
I've the honor of speaking?"
"The same, Monsieur, and I ought to
have begun by telling you my name."
224 UNCLE AND NEPIEW.
"Monsieur, permit me to tell you, that
you've decidedly taken your own time."
At this moment, the doctor's attention
was drawn to M. Morlot, who was rubbing
his hands with a sort of passion.
"What's the matter with you, my
friend?" he inquired in his sweet and
paternal voice.
"Nothing! Nothing! I'm only rubbing my hands."
"But why?"
"There's something there that bothers
me."
" Show it to me; I don't see anything."
"You don't see it? There, there, between the fingers. I see it plainly, I
do!"
"What do you see? "
"My nephew's money. Take it away,
doctor! I'm an honest man; I don't want
anybody's property."
While the doctor was listening atten
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 225
tively to these first aberrations of M. Morlot a strange revolution took place in the
appearance of Francois. He grew pale
and cold, his teeth chattered violently. M.
Auvray turned towards him, to ask what
had happened.
"Nothing," he replied. "She's coming. I hear her. This is joy... but it
overcomes me. Happiness falls upon
me like snow. The Winter will be hard
for lovers. Doctor, see what's going on
in my head."
M. Morlot ran to him saying:
"Enough! Don't be crazy any more!
I no longer want you to be an idiot. People will say that I stole your wits. I'm
honest, doctor; look at my hands; search
my pockets; send to my house, Rue de
Charonne, in the Fazbourg St. Antoine,
open all the drawers; you'll see that I've
nothing that belongs to anybody else."
The doctor stood much perplexed be15
226 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
tween his two patients, when a door
opened, and Claire came in to tell her
father that breakfast was waiting.
Franqois jumped up as if propelled by
a spring, but only his wishes reached
Mlle. Auvray. His body fell heavily on
the sofa. He could scarcely murmur a
few words.
"Claire! It is I. I love you. Will
you?..
He passed his hand over his brow.
His pale face flushed violently. The
temples throbbed fiercely, and he felt a
heavy oppression over his eyelids. Claire,
as near dead as alive, caught up his two
hands. His skin was dry, and his pulse
so hard that the poor girl was terrified. It
was not thus that she had hoped to see him
again. In a few minutes a yellowish tinge
spread about his nostrils; then came
nausea, and M. Auvray recognized all the
symptoms of a bilious fever. " What a
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 227
misfortune," he said, "that this fever didn't
come to his uncle; it would have cured
him!"
He pulled the bell. The maid-servant
ran in, and then Mme. Auvray, whom
Francois scarcely recognized, so much
was he overcome. The sick man had
to be put to bed, and that without delay.
Claire offered her chamber and her bed.
It was a pretty little couch with white
curtains; a tiny chamber and chastely
attractive, upholstered in pink percale,
and blooming with great bunches of
heather, in azure vases. On the mantle
appeared a large onyx cup. This was
the only present which Claire had received from her lover. If you are taken
with fever, dear reader, I wish you such
a sick-room.
While they were giving the first cares
to Francois, his uncle, beside himself, flurried around the chamber, getting into the
228 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
doctor's way, embracing the patient, seizing Mme. Auvray's hand, and crying in
ear-splitting tones: "Cure him quick,
quick! I don't want him to die; I won't
permit his death; I've a right to oppose it;
I'm his uncle and his guardian! If you
don't cure him, they'll say I killed him. I
want you all to bear witness, that I don't
claim to be his heir. I'll give all his
property to the poor. A glass of
water, please, to wash my hands with."
They had to take him into the sickwards of the establishment. There he
raved so, that they had to put him in a
strong canvas waistcoat laced up behind,
with the sleeves sewed together at the
ends: that is what they call a straitjacket. The nurses took care of him.
Mme. Auvray and her daughter took
devoted care of Franqois, although the
details of the treatment were not always
the most agreeable; but the more delicate
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 229
sex takes naturally to heroism. You may
say that the two ladies saw in their patient
a son-in-law and a husband. But I think
that if he had been a stranger, he would
have scarcely lost anything. St. Vincent
de Paul invented only a uniform, for in
every woman, of any rank, or any age,
exists the essential material of a sister of
charity.
Seated night and day in this chamber,
filled with fever, mother and daughter
employed their moments of repose in telling over their souvenirs and their hopes.
They could not explain Franrois' long
silence, his sudden return, or the circumstances that had led him to the Avenue
Montaigne. If he loved Claire, why had
he forced himself to wait three months?
Did he need his uncle's illness to bring
him to M. Auvray's? If his love had
worn out, why did he not take his uncle to
some other doctor? There are enough of
230 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
them in Paris. Possibly he had thought
his passion cured until Claire's presence
had undeceived him! But no, for before
seeing her, he had asked her in marriage.
All these questions were answered by
Francois in his delirium. Claire, hanging
on his lips, eagerly took in his lightest
words; she talked them over with her
mother and the doctor, who was not long
in getting at the truth. To a man accustomed to disentangle the most confused
ideas, and to read the minds of the insane like a partly obliterated page, the
wanderings of fever are an intelligible language, and the most confused delirium
is not without its lights. They soon knew
that he had lost his reason, and under
what circumstances, and they even made
out how he had been the innocent cause
of his uncle's malady.
Then began a new series of misgivings
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 231
for Mile. Auvray. Franiois had been insane. Would the terrible crisis which she
had unwittingly brought on, cure him?
The doctor assured her that fever had the
privilege of indicating the exact nature of
mental disturbance: that is to say, of curing it. Nevertheless, there is no rule
without exceptions, especially in medicine.
Suppose he were to get well, would there
be no fear of relapses? Would M. Auvray give his daughter to one of his patients?
"( As for me," said Claire, sadly smiling,
"' I'm not afraid of anything: I would risk
it. I'm the cause of his sufferings; ought
not I to console him? After all, his insanity is restricted to asking for my hand:
he'll have no more occasion to ask it
when I'm his wife; then we'll not have'
anything to fear. The poor child is
sick only from excess of love; cure it,
dear father, but not too thoroughly. I
232 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
want him always to be mad enough to
love me as I love him."
"We'll see," responded M. Auvray.
"Wait till the fever is past. If he's
ashamed of having been ill, if I find him
sad or melancholy when he gets well, I
can't answer for anything. If, on the
other hand, he looks back upon his disorder without shame or regret, if he
speaks of it resignedly, if he meets the
people who have been taking care of him
without repugnance, I can laugh at the
idea of relapses."
"Ah, father, why should he be ashamed
of having loved to excess? It is a noble
and generous madness which never enters
petty souls. And how can he feel repugnance on meeting those who have nursed
him? For they are we! "
After six days of delirium, an abundant
perspiration carried off the fever, and the
patient began to convalesce. When he
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 233
found himself in a strange room, between
Mme. and Mile. Auvray, his first idea was
that he was still at the hotel of the Quatre
Saisons, in the principal street of Ems.
His feebleness, his emaciation, and the
presence of the doctor, led him to other
thoughts; he had his memory, but vaguely. The doctor came to his aid. He
opened the truth to him cautiously, as
they measure out food for a body enfeebled by fasting. Francois commenced
by listening to his own story as to a romance in which he had not played any
part; he was another man, an entirely new
man, and he came out of the fever as out
of a tomb. Little by little the gaps in his
memory closed up. His brain seemed full
of empty places, which filled up one by
one without any sudden jars. Very soon
he was quite master of himself, and fully
conscious of the past. The cure was a
work of science, but, above all, of pa
234 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
tience. It is in such particulars that the
paternal treatment of M. Auvray is so
much admired. That excellent man had
a genius for gentleness. On the 25th of
December, Francois, seated on the side of
his bed, and ballasted with some chickensoup and half the yolk of an egg, told,
without any interruption, trouble, or wandering, without any feeling of shame or
regret, and without any other emotion
than a tranquil joy, the occurrences of
the three months which had just passed.
Claire and Mme. Auvray wept while they
listened. The doctor acted as if he were
taking notes or writing from dictation, but
something else than ink fell upon the
paper. When the tale was told, the convalescent added, by way of conclusion:
"To-day, the 25th of December, at three
o'clock in the afternoon, I said to my
excellent doctor, to my beloved father,
M. Auvray, whose street and number I
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 235
shall never forget again,'Monsieur, you
have a daughter, Mile. Claire Auvray; I
saw her last summer at the Ems Springs
with her mother; I love her; she has
given me abundant proof that she loves
me, and if you are not afraid that I will
get sick again, I have the honor to ask you
for her hand.'"
The doctor only made a little motion of
the head, but Claire passed her arm around
the convalescent's neck, and kissed him on
the forehead. I care for no other reply
when I make a similar demand.
The same day, M. Morlot, calmer and
freed from the strait-jacket, got up at
eight in the morning. On getting out of
bed, he took his slippers, turned them
over and over, shook them carefully, and
passed them to the nurse, begging him to
see if they did not contain thirty thousand
francs income. Not till then would he
consent to put them on. He combed him
236 UNCLE AND NEPHEW.
self for a good quarter of an hour, repeating, " I don't want anybody to say that my
nephew's fortune has got into my head."
He shook each of his garments out of
the window, after examining it down to
its smallest wrinkle. As soon as he
was dressed, he asked for a pencil, and
wrote on the walls of his chamber:' COVET NOT THAT WHICH IS ANOTHER'S."
Then he commenced to rub his hands
with incredible energy, to satisfy himself
that Francois' fortune was not sticking to
them. He scraped his fingers with his
pencil, counting them from one up to ten,
for fear that he should forget one. He
thought he was in a police-court, and
earnestly demanded to be searched. The
doctor got him to recognize him, and told
him that Francois was cured. The poor
man asked if the money had been found.
UNCLE AND NEPHEW. 237
"As my nephew is going to leave here,"
he said, "he'll need his money; where
is it? I haven't got it, unless it's in my
bed." And before anyone had time to
prevent him, he pulled his bed topsy-turvy. The doctor went out after pressing
his hand. He rubbed this hand with
scrupulous care. They brought him his
breakfast; he commenced by examining
his napkin, his glass, his knife, his plate,
repeating that he did not want to eat up
his nephew's fortune. The repast over,
he washed his hands in enormous quantities of water. "The fork is silver," said
he; "perhaps there's some silver sticking
to my hands! "
M. Auvray does not despair of saving
him, but it will take time. Summer and
Autumn are the seasons in which doctors
are most successful with insanity.
THE END.
NOTES.
1 (p. I). The French call a notary Maitre (Master), much
as we call a minor legal functionary "Squire." The French
name is retained for the sake of the local color.
2 (p. 4). L'Ambert-Ambert with the prefix le which, like
the prefix de, is indicative of nobility.
3 (p. 7). About's word.
4 (p. 8). i. e. " subject" to the wishes of some gentleman, or,
perhaps, equivalent to our term "a case," in the sense of "a
hard case." The equivalent of hard case in French is mauvais
sujet-bad subject.
5 (p. 71). The Hotel Dieu (House of God), a leading hospital
in Paris.
6 (p. 72). Operative (Practical) Surgery.
7 (p. 89). A licensed public man-of-all-work, who regularly
waits at the street corners of Paris for odd jobs.
8 (p. 89). Events in the story absolutely require that traces of the
Auvergnese pronunciation should be retained, but the reader who
may be ambitious of attaining that accent in its purity, is cautioned against putting too much faith in these indications.
9 (p. 178). A free paraphrase. The office he held is unknown
in America.
240 NOTES.
10 (p. 201). " Clocher, clocher, come or I die." The translator
finds this verse too much for him. Clocher is probably a proper
name, but it also means a bell-tower or steeple, and perhaps the
line has some implications correspondent to those of the story of
Mahomet and the mountain.
1 (p. 210). There seems to be no English equivalent for this,
but it is too good to be lost.
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