THE
DIALOGUES OF DEVILS,
ON THE
MANY VICES WHICH ABOUND IN THE CIVIL AND
RELIGIOUS WORLD.
BY THE
REV. JOHN MACGOWAN, V.D.M.
LATE MINISTER OF THE GOSPEL, DEVONSHIRE SQUARb, LONDON.
PHILADELPHIA:
LEARY, GETZ & CO.
224 NORTH SECOND STREET.
1860,








INTRODUCTION.
NOTHING can be more various and opposite than the
opinions of mankind, respecting the influence and agency
of infernal spirits. Some continually throw the blame of
their vices upon the poor devil. Take their word for it, and
they are upon all occasions the innocent dupes to his subtilty
and malice. They represent him as the prime agent in all
their complicated schemes of wickedness; and would fain
persuade us that, so far from being the objects of our just
aversion, they deserve all our commiseration and pity. From
such representations one would be tempted to think, that if
malicious and busy devils did but stay in their own country,
mankind would be as harmless as lambs, and every species
of wickedness be soon banished from our then agreeable
world.
Others there be, who fall into the opposite extreme, and
with all their power endeavor to clear the devil of the slanders thrown upon him. Whether he hath retained them as his
advocates I pretend not to say: but they tell you that he has
no hand in all the wickedness committed under the sun; that
it is impossible he should have any influence on the minds
and manners of men. Nay, some go farther still, even doubt
of his very existence, and are confident that all their wickedness ariseth from another quarter.
My mind, I must confess, was long agitated between these
widely different opinions: now I verged towards the one,
now towards the other extreme; and for a long time continued in such painful suspense, that I would have given a
world to have been satisfied in a matter of such vast importance in human life. But at length I obtained a full and
most convincing discovery of this very intricate affair, and




IV                 INTRODUCTION.
let who will deny it, I am perfectly satisfied that, however
justly the guilt of men may be charged on their own corruptions, infernal spirits do exist; and are fully employed in
forwarding their wicked designs and purposes. Yea, I have
learned so much of the art and address of diabolical spirits
in this matter, that as I shall, I trust, avail myself much of
the very singular discovery, so, from a principle of benevolence to mankind, I think myself fully justified, without
further apology, in communicating it to the public.
Know then, that not far from my humble cot, there is a
widely extended, most tremendous, and gloomy Vale, first
formed, as is supposed, by some dreadful earthquake, or some
other remarkable convulsion in nature. The confines of this
valley, on the outside, are everywhere nearly level with the
surface of the ground; but the precipice within is to the last
degree horrible, insomuch that few have had fortitude enough
to approach it. The ancient bards very justly called it
HORRIDA VALLIS, and we, from them, the Vale of Horrors.
This horrid vale has long been supposed, by the credulous
u ulgar, to be the haunt of infernal spirits; and some people
imagine that it is the only place on earth where they freely
converse about the dark designs of their mal-administration.
My curiosity continually prompting me, at last conquered
my native timidity, and I resolved, if possible, to find an entrance into this unfrequented, unknown, and dreadful place.
But many months, I may say some years, were spent in
this fruitless search, and I despaired of success. At length,
however, having entered a very large and unfrequented
wood, one side of which led to the very edge of the preci
pice, as I walked a few furlongs down a gradual descent,
gloomy beyond whatever I had seen before, I came to a
huge rock, all overgrown with ivy and moss. It had the
appearance of an ancient ruin, somewhat in the form of a
pyramid; the bottom occupied a considerable space, and the
spiral top was hardly concealed by the highest branches o'




INTRODUCTION.                    V
the tall and aged oaks, which surrounded it. Near the
ground, by chance, I discovered an opening, almost choked
up with baleful hemlock and nightshade. At first I thought
that this could be no other than the cave of some ancient
Druid; but approaching it, and having, with much toil,
cleared away the noxious weeds, I found what I had long
sought for, an entrance into the dreadful cavity,
Here my resolution almost failed me, and I was at the
point of relinquishing the long projected enterprise. At
length I recollected myself a little, and resolved to descend
into the place, though, as I thought, not much less horrible
than hell. The passage, a little within tha entrance, led
downwards almost in a perpendicular direction, but its strait.
ness, and the natural unevenness of the roc1s that formed
it, rendered my descent more practicable and safe than I at
first expected. Down, however, I went, fathoms I know
not how many, ere I found myself at the bottom, and from
an easy opening entered the Gloomy Vale.
Looking up, I saw rocks upon rocks projecting over my
timorous head; and I perceived myself to be within the most
hideous inclosure that sure ever mortal eyes beheld.
The vale being solitary and gloomy as death itself, I said
in my heart, Surely if damned spirits are permitted to visit
the earth, this must be their rendezvous, and two to one I
shall see some of them. I therefore observed carefully my
retreat, and by several marks on the rocks which formed it,
I hoped that. on any emergency, I might be directed to the
entrance of the cave, by which alone I could return to the
society of mortals.
I soon found that my precautions were/far from being unnecessary; for I saw, by the feeble light, which glimmered
in the place, a form most frightful, making directly towards
me. My heart bounded in my breast with terror: and swift
as a hare, pressed by sanguine hounds, I ran to my little
sanctuary. No sooner had I entered it, but the fiend stalked
A 2




V1                INTRODUC'TON.
up to the very door of it. The hair of my head stood upright, the blood ran down my back as cold as Greenland ice,
and I looked on myself as a dead man; having often heard
of miserable wretches being torn in pieces by the talons of
merciless infernals. But, as the hideous form attempted not
to penetrate into the cave, nor seemed at all conscious of
my being there, I recovered myself a little, and reviewed it
with less apprehension of danger. At length he espied
another of his clan, to whom he called, and with whom he
held the following dialogue, which made such an impression
on my mind, that I afterwards recollected the most part of
it; and here present it to the worthy reader. The name of
this devil, as I afterwards understood, was AVARO, and that
of the other FAxswo




DIALOGUES OF DEVILS.
DIALOGUE 1.
FASTOSUS AND AVARO.
AVARO. So ho! Fastosus, whither so fast at this time of
the morning? Be not in such a hurry: but let a kindred
devil exchange a few words with you. Pray, how do you
do, uncle?
FASTOSUS. Hah! my nephew Avaro! I little thought of
finding you in the vale at present.  But I am glad to see
you. Pray, how do you do?
AVARO. I thank you, sir, I am pretty well, only tired with
much exercise. But pray where were you going in such
a hurry  When I called to you, you seemed to outfly the
wind!
FASTOSUS. Indeed, Avaro, I should not be willing to discover my concerns to every inquirer; but I condescend to
make free with you, on account of our near kindred; and
knowing you to be a true son of Beelzebub, I can trust you
with any secret. As for my present hurry, the occasion of
it is this, The right honorable Madame de la Coquette having an inclination to a suit, of some fashion never before
invented, was thrown into a violent fever, through the dullness of the mantua-makers, who could devise no cut suitable to her ladyship's desire. Finding her life to be in danger,
unless she was gratified, I was last night dispatched to hell, to
procure a new pattern from the best artists there; and having
got it, I was going post to France, to assist my lady's mantua-maker in cutting and finishing it: which done, I suppose
[ shall have a trip to London, to accommodate the countess
of Prudeland with a suit against the next court-day.
AVARO. What! the courtly Fastosus become mantuamaker! I should never have thought of such an employment, for my part. You have now descended low, indeed,
uncle!
FASTOSUS. Indeed, Avaro, your ignorance almost pro




8                    DIALOGUES
yokes me to be angry with you. But you need not be so
much surprised at my concerns with the mantua-makers;
for I assure you I am so much admired for my skill in dress,
by both sexes of the human race, that there is scarcely a
suit of clothes made, either for man or woman, without my
direction. Nor shall you fnd a peruke-maker hardy enough
to venture a wig on the block, ere he has had my opinion
of it. In short, cousin, there is very little done, and in
dress there is nothing done, in high life or low, but I have
a hand in it.
AvARo. If I have offended my honored uncle, I humbly
beg your pardon. I assure you, I said nothingout of disrespect to you. We all know that your spirit is princely,
your monarchy great, and your dominion very extensive.
But indeed I never thought of your being conversant with
tailors, barbers, and mantua-makers.
FASTOSUS. Nay, nephew, I am not angry. Nevertheless,
you ought to revere me as your elder and better, and not
take upon you to call in question the truth of what I say.
As for the barbers, they are a set of transformists established
wholly by my dexterity; and but for my sovereignty over man,
these transformations had never been introduced. Now the
transforming trade goes on so successfully, that there is reason to hope very many will be at last transformed into the
likeness and nature of our sable fraternity.
AvARo. Pray, uncle, be not angry with me, if I do not
speak altogether as you would have me; for you know I
never had any inclination to learning or politeness; and I
cannot help expressing my wonder at some things you say.
Besides, I am amazed to see you look so thin; why you
look like a skeleton! What have you been doing, or where
have you been? By your looks, you might have travelled
barefooted to the holy land, or crept on your hands and feet
to Medina, and wept forty days by the tomb of our dear
friend Mahomet. You have not been on pilgrimage, sure!
FASTOSUS. I thought, from what I had said, you might
have known that I have not been on pilgrimage very lately;
though I assure you, I have often travelled to Jerusalem and
to Mecca as a guide to those holy pilgrims. There is not
one cf all the bare-legged travellers, who will stir their foot
from home, until their good friend Fastosus is equipped in
palmerian habiliments, to press forward in the van as their




OF DEVILS.                     t
protector. Nor are these pilgrims my only vassals; for the
superstitious, of all denominations, have with one consent
devoted themselves to me.
AVARO. Well, but, uncle, I am sure they worship me
with sincere regard, as well as they do you; and I either
attend them in person, or pour my influences upon every one
of them, in all their religious journeys to Jerusalem, Mecca,
or elsewhere.
FASTOSUS. It may be so, Avaro; but their prostitution to
covetousness hinders not their devotion to pride; for I have
conducted many of this fraternity to the supposed sepulchre
of Jesus of Nazareth, who, in their own opinion, were made
so holy thereby, that when they returned to their native
country, they thought the earth itself unworthy to bear the
pressure of a foot, which had trod the threshold of the adored
sepulchre. These religious adventurers, (especially if they
obtain some precious relics, of which there are great store
in Palestine) generally lift them so far above their fellow
creatures that thenceforward they can hold no intercourse
with the common people, lest their supposed spotless garments should be polluted with worldly filthiness. Nor is
it uncommon for these fantastical devotees to imagine, that
by their journeys to Judea they have gained considerably
above the price of heaven. So that when they come to die,
they have holiness sufficient for themselves, and a handsome
legacy to bequeath, as an help-out to some poor brother,
who loves home better than the holy land.
AVARO. Ay, Fastosus; but then you may thank my brother Falax and me for your Jerusalem journeys: none of
them would have been instituted but through falsehood, deceit, and covetousness. And I really think that we did excellent service to the great Beelzebub and the sublime porte
of hell, in imposing that cheat upon mankind. Though, by
the way, one would wonder that the reasonable mind should
be so easily deceived, seeing there is nothing in any of these
pilgrimages, that has so much as the appearance of religion.
Often have I laughed in my sleeve to see the poor pilgrims, with holy awe and profound reverence, approach a
log of rotten wood, fully believing it to be part of the cross
on which Immanuel was crucified. Oh! how have I seen
them congratulate themselves on their supposed happiness,




t0                   DIALOGUES
if by any means they had procured a diminutive chip of an
old gate-post, from the hand of a venerable priest, with his
holy word upon it, that it was part of the cross! And, to
speak the truth, which you know I am not very fond of,
these reverend gentlemen have words and wood equally
plenty; for when one log is sold off; they immediately replace it with another; so that this market will not stop for
want of merchandise, whilst there is a tree left in the forest
of Lebanon. I would not, on any account, that the world
should know that the traffic in relics is all a cheat, by the
help whereof my dear children, the Jerusalem priests, get
more money for chips of rotten wood, than the greatest
merchant in Norway gets for his masts, and yards, &c.
FASTOSUS. By what you say, and I own it to be right,
cousin, you and I must share the persons and divide the
spoil betwixt us, on the day of reckoning. You and cousin
Falax have laid the snare very craftily, and I, by my haughty
influences, drive the fools to it. Good Avaro, your game
would not go well without my assistance; and while you
and I continue to play into each other's hand, we can readily
bring the two fools to meet, each deceiving and being deceived. I mean, we can bring the covetous fool'and the
credulous fool together. The credulous deceives the covetous fool with his money, and the covetous deceives the
credulous fool with his rotten wood. Dear Avaro, our work
goes forward apace, and we shall have them both at last.
AVARO. No doubt of it, Fastosus; for both the covetous
and over-credulous are ours, by common consent. Our
game could not well go better than it doth at present; for
all ranks and degrees of people are subjected to our potent
sway. No doubt but you have heard of that noble piece
of architecture called the Triple-Crown, which I and my
brother Falax made for our worthy friend and stedfast ally
the pope of Rome.
FASTOSUS. Heard of it! Surely I have. Was not I the
principal person concerned in the work  But, Avaro, you
have an ugly way of denying people the due honors of their
labor. But for me, his Holiness would never have thought
of such an invention. And as I had the principal hand in
it, I aver, that the best mathematician in hell could not have
invented a more excellent piece. I have thought, ever since,
that the artful Falax acted his part with as much dexterity




OF DEVILS.                    11
m tne formation of that capital ornament as, when he and
we assisted our venerable friend, Mahomet, in composing
the Alcoran. But the chief beauty of it was, to see our
hoary friend, the pope, with greater confidence than if he
had been one of ourselves, exalt the papal chair above all
that is called God. So that now, in the sense of the Romish
impostor, saving and damning depend no longer on the justice and mercy of the Eternal, but upon the will and pleasure of him who fills the infallible chair.
Were we any thing but Devils whose hatred to Truth i
implacable, it would have grieved us to see how she sighed
and sobbed, as if her heart would break, when the impostors assumed the character of infallibility. She knocked
with violence at the gates of the bishop's palace: but there
was no admission for her there.  She begged and prayed
that the inferior ranks of the reverend clergy would receive her; but no one of them would suffer her to come
under their roof; so that the poor heaven-born lady swooned
in the streets, and there was none to assist her. Her eyes
became as fountains of briny tears, trickling down her radiant cheeks; her locks were dishevelled, and her apparel
hung dangling around her. In this mournfill plight she went
through all the streets of the mystic Babylon, uttering her
lamentations in every public place, and in every concourse
of the people. But, as in former times she had piped to
them, and none of the worshippers of the Beast would dance;
so now she mourned to them, but none of them would lament.  She stretched forth her hands all the day long, but
none of them would attend to her; the venerable pope,
father of the world, having published a decree that none of
them should suffer her under their roof, nor administer the
least comfort to her in her calamity, under pain of the Rack,
the Gibbet, the Wheel, or Fire and Fagot. Yea, more;
when his Holiness saw the importunity of Divine Truth,
and perceived that she would be a perpetual thorn in his
side, if not timely and wisely prevented, by forcing her out
of the world, he clad himself in Vulcanian armor, sought
for her in every corner of Babylon; when he met with her,
lanched his fatal spear with papal force against her, that
wounding her so deeply, she fainted and fell to the ground,
and no doubt had died had she not been immortal. When
the most holy bishop had thus deprest her, he cried out in




12                    DIALOGUES
devilish triumph, "I am the successor of Peter, the vzar
of Christ, the pillar of truth, the porter of heaven, and the
supreme head of the church."  At which words, Truth entirely disappeared, and to this day has not been suffired to
set one foot within the limits of the papacy.
AVARO. It was a noble enterprise; nothing could exceed
it.  I am persuaded, that the man who was in-dwelt by our
brother Legion, and resided among the tombs, was never capable of coming so near to us devils in cruelty, deceit, and
falsehood, as that same venerable man, his infallible holiness, hath upon every occasion.
FASTOSUS. Indeed, Avaro, Legion, though a many-viced
devil, is but a fool when compared to his holiness; but it is
highly necessary that he should be well qualified in devilism, seeing he is appointed Beelzebub's great vicegerent ill
the Christian world.
AVARO. Great are the abilities requisite to such a station; and his holiness possesseth them liberally. Did you
ever hear, Fastosus, the manner in which our Italian success was received by Beelzebub the great, and his infernal
nobility?
FASTOSUS. I suppose I have; but I have so many things
to think of, that at present it has escaped my memory;
therefore, if you remember it, I shall be obliged to you foi
the recital.
AVARO. With all my heart. I assure you it is well worth
your hearing, for thereby it appeared that his infernal majesty had the deepest sense of our services, and conceived
the strongest hope of the increase of his kingdom from the
alliance formed betwixt the sublime porte of hell, and the
apostolic chair at Rome.
As soon as swift-winged Fame arrived at the gate, known
by the name of earth-gate, she knocked violently, as you
know is customary with her upon any emergent occasion.
Our friend Cerberus, the porter, no sooner saw that it was
Fame, but he immediately sent a messenger to court, to inform his majesty and peers, that the ambassadress Fame was
arrived. In shorter time than a lawyer could frame a lie,
hell was all in an uproar, every inhabitant being big with
expectation of some important news from our friends on
earth. Fifty of the nobility were dispatched from court, to
congratulate Fame on her arrival, and to conduct her in




OF DEVILS.                     13:
state to the court-end of the city. The mighty Beelzebub
ascended the flaming throne, to receive the ambassadress
with imperial grandeur; and as soon as she arrived, she was
introduced to his sublime presence, by Lucifer, prime minister of state, and in full court related all that had passed
concerning the change at Rome in the system of religion:
which desirable news was received with all the demonstrations of joy damned spirits are capable of  Fame having
finished her relation, the mighty prince, who sat on the stupendous throne, arrayed in all the majesty becoming his
elevated station, lifted his warlike arm, waved the imperial
sceptre for audience, and thus addressed his courtiers, his
eyes blazing as burning furnaces, while he spake.
"My lords, my brethren in sovereignty, and. sharers of
my glory; from the just sense I have of your steady attachment to my interest and government, as hath always appeared from your unwearied study, as far as possible, to
destroy the creatures of our arch-enemy, whom, constrained,
we call the Almighty; and promoting to the utmost our
common interest among mankind. From such considerations, I cannot forbear congratulating your highnesses on
the happy turn our affairs on the earth have taken, by the
indefatigable pains and vigilant endeavors of our worthy
frienus and genuine descendants, Fastosus, Avaro, Falax,
&c. &c.: as appears by the report you have just now heard
from the mouth of our swift-winged ambassadress, Fame.
By the industry of those worthy spirits, worms of the earth
are wrought up to such a degree of pride and self-conceit,
as to undertake enterprises that we, who are of angelic race,
could not accomplish; yea, even to assume prerogatives,
which never once came into our minds. My noble lords,
there is reason to believe that this revolution will prove a
leading step towards a very plentiful harvest. I signify
therefore as my will and pleasure, that your highnesses take
special care that the lodgings at the court-end of the city
are kept in due repair, as henceforth we may expect at every
term, numerous shoals of popish priests of all ranks, to take
uptheir residence with us; and you may be sure they will
take it very ill, if they are not accommodated according to
their quality.
"I think, my lords, it is worthy of observation, that all
the missionaries we ever dispatched among the heathens,
B




14                   DIALOGUES
could not prevai with poor pagan priests to aspire to that
degree of impiety, which the pope hath now assumed.  I
hope, my lords, that truth and holiness are in a fair way of
being banished from the face of the earth; for I am persuaded, that this universal father, his cardinals, legates, and
bishops, will exert all their influence to promote our interest
in the suppression of-our enemies."  Having said this, a
flaming billow rolled over the imperial seat, and so stunned
the good old prince, that he could speak no more for a
season.
FASTosUs. All those things I well remember, now voul
have mentioned'them.  But I want to know what you have
got in that leather bag. You have not become nailer, sure!
AVARO. This bag, sir, contains a thousand pounds, which
a certain attorney, a dear child of mine, wants to have deposited in some place of security, as he has not at present
an opportunity of putting it out to generate, an increasing
faculty with which all his other cash is endued. This same
gentleman is a person of great worth, ready to assist the
rich and great, provided always that his good deeds are
handsomely rewarded.  But so cautious and prudent is he,
that he utterly abhors parting with even so small a pittance
as a guinea, to relieve a poor distressed tradesman; and indeed for this very sufficient reason, that he cannot, in such
a case, obtain land security for his money; so that if the
poor man is ever so honest and industrious, he must even
reconcile his thoughts to a dungeon, or seek relief from another quarter; for our worthy lawyer would part with no
money to deliver him from it. His present fear is, lest any
of his poor neighbors, knowing that he has plenty of money
by him, should, by their pressing solicitations, over-persuade
him to part with a little to help them in their distresses;
for he, like many other honest men, is determined to keep
wh-at he has got, if one half of the parish should die for want
o. bread.
FASTosUs. By your description of the worthy lawyer, I
may expect his children as my pupils after his decease. I
warrrant me, Avaro, before their father is half consumed by
the worms, I shall have them bowing and cringing to me as
their god. I have remarked, for some thousands of years,
that when the parents have worshipped the god Avaro, by
giving themselves up to covetousness, for the most part,




OF DEVILS.                    15
after their decease, the children have made choice of me
and our cousin Profanity for their patrons. Surely, if covetous parents knew what courses children would follow
when their heads are laid low in the grave, and their souls
stil lower in hell, they would quarrel with their god Avaro,
or die with grief on the prospect.
AVARO. Ay, uncle; but there is not one of all my numerous disciples, who knows me by my proper name; and
I am by far too subtle for them to find out the cheat. My
English vassals, for instance, commonly worship me under
the false names of industry or frugality, prudence or laudable care; but there is not one of them who can be prevailed
with to believe himself a worshipper of the devil Avaro,
which is, you know, my true and proper name.
FASTOSUS. Nothing equals our success; for you damn
the parents by covetousness, and we damn the children by
pride and profanity.  Good Avaro, we have them hip and
thigh; it is but a few of all the mundane race that we lose;
and those also we should have, if they were not forcibly
taken from us: but this is one comfort, that if we must
have the mortification of seeing any of the human race get
safe to heaven, we have also the pleasure of disturbing and
distracting their minds on the journey; and many of them
we bring to the stake or gibbet, under the direction of our
good friend Crudelis, who presides over those hells upon
earth, known by the name of the holy inquisitions.
AVARO. Hells, did you say  Right, hells indeed! One
holy inquisitor goes beyond an hundred of our fraternity in
the art of cruelty, which you know is the first of the learned
sconnces at Rome.  Such wonderful inventions of torturing,
one would have thought, could never have been contrived.
What ingenuity does the rack display! How excellently
formed for exquisite torture! What an apt resemblance of
the infernal furnace is the dry-pan! A contrivance worthy
the most skilful among the Beelzebubian artists. But their
watery torment, the gag and pitcher, is what raises them
most in my esteem. Almost every blockhead hath some
notion of a hell of fire; but it is peculiar to the skill of an
holy inquisitor to contrive a hell of water. In this, Fastosus,
we must all knock under to them, for indeed they are our
betters. And, to enhance their merit, their torments are
inflicted upon the unhappy wretches. who fall into their




16                   DIALOGUES
hands, under a show of the greatest sanctity towards God,
and pity to the unhappy victim  of their cruelty.  And sc
very strictly do they and their assisting familiars observe
the rules of inviolable secrecy, that the world can never
know the hundredth part of their villany.
FASTOSUS. Secrecy is indispensably necessary to a people
so much devoted to our interest as the worthy inquisitors
and the rest of the Romish clergy are.  Were it known to
the world what methods they take to aggrandize themselves
and support the papal hierarchy, the cheat would be discovered, the fabric would fall to the ground, the craft by which
they have their wealth would soon be at an end, and their
reverences be brought into contempt.
Certainly the great Beelzebub will deal gratefully with
the holy father at Rome, and his cardinals, inquisitors and
bishops, when they arrive in hell.  For my own part, I
stedfastly believe that if our good friends the popes and inquisitors are not served below their quality, they will be put
in possession of the seats on the right hand of his majesty's
throne, as our friend Mahomet and his mufties were in those
on the left. And when their extraordinary merit is considered, our infernal nobility will have no reason to grumble at
their advancement; for nothing less can be deemed adequate to their uncommon merit and usefulness in confirming
our dominion over mankind.  And so fervently have they
our interest at heart, that it would be very extraordinary
indeed, if any of them should be lost, and fall short of our
dreary abode.
AVARO. The basest ingratitude to use them otherwise,
Fastosus. For my own part, I shall always give place to a
pope or inquisitor, and I think it is the duty of all our sable
fraternity so to do; for when their inferior species is considered, it will appear that they not only vie with, but even
exceed the most dexterous ameng us in many things.
FASTOSUS. I am thinking, Avaro, of the easy station you
have got, in comparison of mine.  You are concerned blt
with a few, I am concerned with every one. You chiefly
serve the higher ranks of people, but I am hackneyed night
and day by all sorts of men, from his holiness the pope to
the hermit in his cell, from the queen on the throne tc
Bridget the farmer's maid. But was it not that I find n y
account in it, and by that means am adored as a divinity




OF DEVILS.                    17
my princely mind would never submit to such constant
drudgery.
AVARO. Good Fastosus, I speak it with reverence, but
you are exceedingly mistaken in my business. I assure
you, it increaseth every day upon my hands, and requires
very constant application; insomuch, that for these twelve
years I have not had time to close my eyes for one refreshing nap. Ah, uncle! I am concerned with, and for many;
and with none more than with the sons of the mystic whore.
This old bawd, with the scarlet gown, hath many children,
who swarm  as locusts along the face of many European
countries, and eat up the good of the land before them.
And there is not one amongst them, who knows how to
spend a day without my company. When I would gladly
lay me down for a little rest, one or other of them conjures
me up to inquire after pay for this funeral mass, that dispensation, or the other pardon. For, you may know, that with
them there is nothing to be done without ready cash; for
they never give credit.
FASTosus. That old proverb, "Money answereth all
things," seems well adapted to the tenets of your disciples,
Avaro.
AVARO. Wonderfully adapted, sir! very wonderfully
adapted; for money forwards their devotion vastly, and
helps them strangely on, in their way to heaven. Dear
children of mine I own them to be! for, notwithstanding
their pretended love to devotion and the souls of their fellow
creatures; if a poor man travelling from earth to heaven,
should happen to be arrested by any of the officers of purgatory, (who make it their business to waylay travellers)
and be turned over tc the tormentors; if such a man has
not left a sufficient sum for purgatorial masses, and no welldisposed lay person is found to supply the deficient assets
of the prisoner, he may lie, if it be possible, until he is
burned to tinder, ere any parson of the convent will put one
hand to help him out of those dreary flames. But, on the
other hand, if a sufficient sum is left for masses to be said to
the lady of Loretto, St. Dominick, St. Dennis, or any other
eloquent saint, all the parsons will apply as cheerfully as
youtnr dromiodaries, and put their shoulders to the work, like
so many bulls in a yoke, until they have cleared him of his
prison.  You may always be sure that with them, according
B2




s8                   DIALOGUES
to the well-known proverb, " It is money that makes the
mare to go."
FASTOSUS. I pray you, Avaro, where does this same purgatory stand? I have often heard of it, but never could meet
with it, either in this r the other world, notwithstanding I
have sought it with care.
AVARO. You have sought for it in the wrong place, uncle;
you should have ransacked the brains of the pope and his
clergy; for there, and nowhere else, the chimera is to be
found. It is only a scheme to get money, that I contrived
for them; and hitherto it has answered our highest expectations; for by this craft the parsons have great emolument.
FASTOSUS. This I do know, that nothing is more attractive of the attention of their reverences, than brilliant gold;
for the sake of which, systems the most absurd are imposed
upon mankind, with the sanction of priestly authority. Indeed, it is presumed that these holy men will authorize nothing but what is lucrative. O the wonderful trade of priestcraft! Indeed, Avaro, I begin to think you a devil of good
abilities, and an honor to the race of Beelzebub.
AVARO. I am highly obliged to you for your good opinion,
sir; and assure you, that were you acquainted with the system of our government, I should go near to rivet myself in
your esteem; an honor which I much desire, and in order
to which, I shall relate a certain affair which wonderfully
displays the genius of priestcraft, and gives the most just
idea of the doctrine of purgatory.
FASTOSUS. I shall be glad to hear it another time, cousin;
but for the present I must be gone, to forward my lady's
robes; for the mantua-maker dare not touch them before my
arrival at Paris. Exactly four hours hence I shall give you
the meeting.
AVARO. T shall thinf of the appointment, uncle.  Success to your nte-prise.




OF DEVILS.                     19
DIALOGUE 11.
FASTOSUS AND AVARO.
BEING acquainted with the appointment, I chose to walt
for their coming; but was so alarmed at what I had heard
and seen, that I lurked close in my retreat, not daring to
attempt any discoveries. At the time appointed, I perceived
them walking up the valley; and as they drew near,
FASTOSUS said, Yes, Avaro, I assure you there was great
joy in the court of Versailles on account of my arrival, and
that both amongst the French and English ladies: the latter of whom are the humble servile imitators of the former;
which tends so to chagrin some, and give pleasure to others
of them, that by this means contentions run very high among
the French ladies. One part complains of the English, as
no more than the apes of the French; these are they who
would monopolize all the finery to themselves; therefore
their censure of the English ladies is not to be regarded.
The others boast of their superiority, and are not a little
proud of their dominion over the fair Anglicans; who, they
suppose, dare not attempt to introduce so much as the pattern of an head-dress, until it hath the approbation of the
French.  But to drop this for the present, Avaro, I shall be
glad to hear the story you mentioned before we parted.
AVARO. It was this, sir. There was a gentleman in
Provence, a steady member of the holy Roman Catholic
church, who died lately, and as soon as dead, his pious relations made his death known to their reverences the priests,
in order to procuie their good offices, in behalf of their departed friend, whose soul, it was upon no ill ground feared,
was hardly white enough for heaven, and would therefore
be obliged to call at purgatory, for an effectual cleansing,
ere he could proceed further upon his journey. The venerable priests no sooner heard of the gentleman's death, than
they prudently began to consult the good of the church, and
what means appeared to them the most likely to feather
their own nest; as this must needs be done, either by the
life or death of the laity. This being their sole intent, it
was unanimously agreed to refer themselves to my direc




20                    DIALOGUES
tion, and an interview in the apartment of the principal was
requested. Being at that time in the neighborhood, 1 immediately granted their petition, and presented myself among
them in the principal's chamber; a place very familiar to me.
The reverend old father was no sooner aware of my arrival,
than he arose from his seat, fell prostrate before me, to do
me humble greeting, withal expressing the most grateful
sense of my care and condescension, in coming so soon to
their assistance.
Humble salutation past, the principal addressed me in
the following learned manner.  "Worshipful Prudence,"
for that is the name I am known by among them, " we
have an affair of great importance to lay before you; and
with the profoundest humility will we thank you for your
advice."
FASTOSUS. Nay, Avaro, if you talk any thing about that
same humility, I will not stay a moment longer, for I hate
the nature of it.
AVARO. You need not be offended, sir; for the gentlemen in question have as little of that as your heart could
wish for. It is not the nature, but the mere name of humility
which serves the purposes of priestcraft; and which he and
his brethren so much admired. And you know, sir, that the
name without the nature of humility, is nothing but pride in
disguise.
FASTOSUS. Well, I am glad they have no more of it; for
that Humility is a fellow whom I abhor; but I thank my stars
it is very seldom that I meet with him; however, when he
and I do meet, we as naturally quarrel as the elephant and
the rhinoceros.
AVARO. I assured them of my assistance, and the old par
son went on with his story.  "0! thou priest-governing
spirit, (said he,) thou must know, that about eleven of the
clock, last night, a neighboring gentleman went out of this
into the other world, leaving behind him an estate, upwards
of ten thousand pounds per annum, devolving to an only
son, and to this convent has left no more than fourscore
crowns, for the salutary work of delivering his poor soul
from the dreadful flames of purgatory.  I do not know, indeed, but our great lady, whom we serve, might be satisfied
with half the sum; but we thy servants are not so easily
pleased. It is our pious desire to procure as much of the young




rF DEVILS.                     21
man's estate; as by any means we can, for our own private
use; as none of us can tell what we may want before we
die. Besides, we do not know but so large an estate, devolving unencumbered upon him, may be the means of ruining the soul and body of the inexperienced youth. Now, we,
as the holy guardians of his salvation, think it necessary,
for the good of his soul, to cut off as much as we can of the
fuel of his lusts; well knowing how dangerous riches are to
the laity. Thus, great patron, I have revealed the pious intent
of our venerable brotherhood; and, lovely spirit, if thou canst
by thy advice serve us in this matter, we entreat thee to do
it; for our eyes are to thee, and our hearts are open to receive thy instructions."
FASTOSUS. Who could have thought, Avaro, of any of
your disciples being exposed to such exalted piety? However, it was piety of the true Romish stamp, greatly admired
by the venerable clergy.
AVARO. Well, said I, most reverend father, let not your
pious mind be afflicted about the young gentleman's soul.
Let you and your worthy brethren observe my instructions;
and I shall undertake to put you in possession of the greatest
part of his estate; which, as you justly observe, will greatly
redound to the safety of his soul.
Be sure that you bury the old gentleman, with as much
seeming sorrow and devotion as might be expected from a
well-paid parson; yea, with as much feigned courtesy to the
heir, as if the deceased had left you five hundred pounds.
Then be sure to say mass for him to your lady, St. Dominick,
St. Francis, or to the saint of your convent, as soon as possible.  That being done, let a skilful messenger from your
reverences wait on the son and heir, to tell him that, alas!
his poor father has got much deeper into purgatory than was
expected, on account of some sins which le had concealed
from his confessor; which sins, because they are hidden,
will take a great deal of burning, unless expiated in time by
frequent masses. Tell him that you are not certain, but you
hope, about two hundred crowns, laid out in masses to some
favorite, loquacious saint, may go near to procure his deliverance. This news will probably so surprise the youth, that
the messenger will receive the money, and his hearty prayers into the bargain: for if he is a good churcl man, it wil




22                   DIALOGUES
not be easy to persuade him that your reverences oily aim
at picking his pockets.
lHaving received the money, you must take care not to go
any more to the young gentleman, until the time that all
the masses might have been said: then go to him again, and
teli him that by fervent application you have at last got his
father's soul within a few yards of the surface of the flames,
that you cannot possibly restore him an inch farther, until
more masses are said for him; and that you think an hundred crowns' worth more may, in all probability, clear Jlim.
This being received, take care not to visit him again too
soon, but wait until another quantity of masses might have
been said. At a proper time go to him again: expatiate much
upon the piety of your brethren: Tell him, that by their
endeavors, hjs father was quite discharged from the court of
purgatory, and was just going to be turned out at the headend of the town, when it happened, most unluckily, that
there came up the soul of a woman, whom he had debauched in his life-time; that this malicious woman had brought
an action against him, the bill was found, and the poor olc
gentleman condemned to fiercer burnings than before, whick
may last for many years, unless a speedy supply of money
is granted, to procure friends in heaven to intercede for hi*
release.  This scheme will procure you double the former
sums.  You know, father, hidden sins take a great deal of
burning.
Six or eight months afterwards, go to the young gentleman again, and tell him that you laid out his last money to
the best advantage, that with it you procured half a dozen of
the best orators in heaven to plead his father's cause; who,
by their fervent supplications, had at last prevailed; that
the old gentleman was delivered from his torments, and was
led in triumph to the gates, to be dispatched immediately
for glory. But, as his unlucky stars would have it, just as
the porter opened the gate, there came up the soul of a
mendicant friar, whom the old gentleman had in his life-time
unhappily beat, and now openly accused him of this almost
unpardonable crime: on which account he was remanded
back to more exquisite torments than ever. Tell the young
gentleman that this unhappy accident caused such grief to
the brethren, that there is hardly any one of them able to
say Ave-Maria; and that some of them  intend, as soon as




OF DEVILS.                     23
their strength will admit, to go to Jerusalem, to try if by
any means they can procure his deliverance at the holy cross
or sepulchre.
You know very well, reverend father, in what tender and
pious strain to tell your story; and to make it penetrate the
deeper, you can shed a few crocodile tears over it.  If you
manage wisely, you may, in this case, sell your tears at
more than a crown each. Be sure thus always to fnid out
some impediment or other to the old man's release. You
may bring him often to the gates, but if once you let nlm
go through, all your hopes are over from this quarter. Care
should also be taken to inform the young heir of the tremendous curses the pope has denounced against those impious children, who enjoy their wealth and ease, whilst they
suffer their poor unhappy parents to lie roasting in purgatory, rather than pay the priests for delivering them.
FASTOSUS. Ay, Avaro! But what if the young gentleman should have sense enough to see through the villany
of the parsons, and courage enough to refuse the money!
HIow then, cousin?
AVARo. That was what 1 was going to tell you, sir.
For, continued I, if, sir, young'squire Great-purse should
have sagacity enough to see through your scheme, and deny
you the money, let one of your most devout brethren assurme
the ghost, from night to night haunt his dwelling, and, in an
articulate manner, utter, in the name of the father deceased, the most dreadful curses against his undutiful son, who
possesseth a large estate in peace and pleasure, whilst his
poor father lies broilin( in the flames of purgatory.  By
these means you may procure either all or most of the estate to yourselves.
FASTOSUS. An excellent scheme! and, from what I have
known of those reverend worthies, exactly suited to their
taste and principles.
AVARO. It was so, as you shall hear: For I had no sooner
finished, but the aged father, who was not likely to live to
say many more masses, arose, and, with tears in his eyes,
thanked me a thousand times for my cordial advice; protesting that nothing could be better adapted to the end proposed, or more agreeable to the principles both of him and
his brethren; assuring me that they would follow my directions, as invariably as Saturn does his orbit




24                    DIALOGUES
FASTOSUS. By this account of the Romish priests, it ap.
pears that they are at no loss for merchandise. Purgatorial
fire, holy water, masses, dispensations, pardons, &c. are
commodities which do not require a very large capital, and
yet are attended with considerable profits. The great parsons, over and above the tythe of the lands, have very advantageous craft by this means. But between you and me,
cousin, it is all the merchandise of the scarlet strumpet.
AVARO. It would be dangerous to our interest, if the
world should know the truth.  Then our great vicegerent
would be worshipped as a god no more. The wondrous
beast which ascended out of the sea of ignorance and error,
would be torn limb from limb, and his carcass given to the
hawks and ravens.
FASTOSUS. So then I find you are a papist as well as me.
I myself have large concerns among the clergy, and with
none more than his holiness the pope, the great parson at
Rome; the parson of the parsons. This universal parson,
though he pretends to be descended from Peter, my enemy,
hath conceived such a good opinion of my abilities, that he
will not make a decree, nor publish a bull, until I have put
the finishing hand to it. You know, cousin, that I am none
of those who are backward in showing their opinion, but
readily dictate to all who refer themselves to my direction.
As to his holiness, notwithstanding he is the father of the
whole church, he is my humble servant; and, as I said before, consults me upon all occasions. The advice that I
give, in general, is, that by all means he take care to keep
up his authority over the consciences and liberties of mankind: and the same advice I give to the clergy in general
Hence every parson attempts to reign within his own district, despotic and supreme over the consciences of the people, who are obliged, under pain of damnation, to honor himr
as the plenipotentiary of heaven, and the arbitrary distributer of blessings and curses. I advise his holiness at all
events, to support his infallibility beyond the scriptures of
truth, and his supremacy above the laws of God or man.
This same advice I whisper in the ear of my clergy in general, who, to a man, agree that the scripture shall not pass
with toleration, unless it is dressed in the garb of their
interpretations. As such, and only as such, it is imposed on
their parishioners. The good old vicar never contradicts




OF DEVILS.                    25
any thing I say, notwithstanding he knows, at the same
time, his pretensions to be a cheat; but to the utmost of his
power, follows the directions of his adored Fastosus; and
never did mortal man show more implicit obedience to the
monarch of darkness.
AVARO.  So then the papists worship his holiness the
pope, and he worships the devil Fastosus. Is not this the
system of the popish divinity in a few words, uncle?
FASTOSUS. It is so; and a system adhered to by many
who are called Protestants. For, with such love to wealth
and honor have you and I inspired them, that although, as
reasonable beings, they must know that the Almighty Ruler
will bring their ways into impartial scrutiny, and judge
them for their fallacious guile; yet, for the sake of worldly
riches and honor, at all events, they resolutely follow our
directions.
AVARO. Ay, sir, that is the heaven of the priests. They
both seek and have their reward. The fat of the land is in
their possession, and they are honored as the directors of
conscience.  And yet they are the successors of the apos.
tles, who had neither silver nor gold; and yet they are the
ministers of Jesus, who would not receive honors from men.
And yet they are the most humble creatures that ever lived;
and yet it is death to contradict them.
FASTOSUS. Having made sure of the mighty father of
the world, his holiness of Rome, to join issue with us in
promoting our interest among men; I have an excellent device to insure all the other ranks of his dependent clergy
to our interest likewise. The patriarchs and cardinals are
sure to prove loyal to the pope, and, of consequence, to us,
from a hope, which I have inspired each of them with, of
one day ascending the papal throne himself. The loyalty
of the archbishops is insured by the hope of a cardinal's
hat, and their right reverences the bishops are sure to remain inoffensive animals, in hope of attaining in some filture period the archiepiscopal dignity. The same device
runs through all the other ranks of the clergy, and thereby.hey are all rendered my humble servants. By these things
it appears that we are likely to have a very plentiful harvest.
AVARO. Doubt it not, Fastosus. Beelzebub's regions will
be well provided with gentlemen in holy orders, who are so
C




26                    DIALOGUES
dexterous in managing the cheat, that it is carried on, un
perceived by their adorers. Look ye, Fastosus! who comes?
It is Crudelis! Where do you think that deformed spirit
can be going now?
FASTOSVS. He is on the scent of blood, I warrant him.
By his nature he might have been got by a panther, and
nursed by a mountain bear.
AVARO. Let us call him, sir; perhaps we may learn
some news of him. So, ho! Crudelis; what, not a word
with you?
CRUDELIS. Hah, gentlemen! are you here? I did nol
think of meeting with you, my dear friends and fellow de
stroyers. How do you do, Fastosus  And how do you do
Avaro?
BOTH. We are pretty well, cousin; only jaded a little
with constant application to business. But pray, Crudelis,
how have you been employed of late?
CRUDELIS. Employed, do you say? Never fear me. ]
have not been idle, I assure you.  Do you suppose that J
can pick up no game in Britain, in this golden age? If you
do, you are greatly mistaken. It is true, that some of the
late kings of England have been my avowed enemies, and
as far as in them lay, have expelled me the kingdom. But
be they as vigilant as they will, I find opportunity of breaking through the fences which they have reared against me,
when you may be sure, if I cannot get great, I pick up
small game, of which I can only give you a very small
specimen at present. In one place I persuaded an ambitious
child to poison, or otherwise kill, an old cumbersome parent,
who will not die without violent measures. I prevailed
with a rogue, in another place, to dispatch h.  woman, and
her brat, to preserve his own reputation and estate. In a
third, I stir up an ambitious servant to kill and plunder his
master. And frequently I can prevail with one gentleman
to kill another in a duel, on some punctilio of false honor.
And sometimes I persuade the despairing wretch to lay violent hands on himself, destroy his own miserable life, and
by doing so, enter upon another infinitely more miserable.
Then I take to my heels, and am followed with a hue and
cry all over the nation. But thank you, I am too swift for
them all, 1 never give them  time to say, "Crudelis is




OF DEVILS.                    27
here."  But they often say, "These are the tricks sf that
horrid devil Crudelis."
Yesterday I was attending a duel, which I myself stirred
ap, (as I suppose you know that all duels are of my instigation.) so it was here; I persuaded the gentlemen cornbatants to fight with sword and pistol, hoping that both
would have fallen in the action. But though my design was
good, as ill-luck would have it, it miscarried, and only one
of them bit the ground.  However, I am not without hope
that the other will be hanged for the murder, and, if so, then
I have my design. I assure you, gentlemen, I use my utmost endeavors to throng the nether regions. 0, my brother
destroyers! I could tell you such stories as would make you
bless yourselves, and adore the prince Crudelis. These are
but trifling things, thrown in to whet your appetite against
the next opportunity. Then you shall hear. But for this
time I must be going. Adieu, gentry, for I smell blood at
a distance.
FAsTosUS. It is amazing what power this deformed fiend
hath obtained over mankind. What ills, so very different
from the principles of humanity, he hath by his barbarous
insinuations introduced.  What is very surprising, he hath
made mankind more cruel to one another, than we infernal
spirits are among ourselves.  He stirs them up to destroy
and devour one another: but we are never known to quarrel among ourselves, nor to make war upon our own race.
Be that the part of foolish man: We devils are masters of
better policy. This very Crudelis himself, sanguine as he
is to devour blinded mortals, lays aside all his voracity,
when he joins our black assembly, and is as tame a devil as
any of us. Well may you and I destroy with success, when
such a deformed lump of hell as Crudelis, is made welcome
among them.
AVARo. But with your leave, sir, as Crudelis is gone, let
us resume our discourse. I remember, before he interrupted
us, you briefly hinted that you were somewhat addicted to
religrion, and that you are a papist too. I was never wont
to consider you as a religious devil; much less did I think
that you assumed to yourself any of those distinctions, which
divide the professedly Christian world. I thought, formerly,
that the great Fastosus had dwelt only in kings' courts,
with people of soft raiment, and occasionally waited on the




28                    DIALOGUES
nobility and gentry, at their country-seats. What! the
devil Fastosus a papist too!
FASTOSUS. In reality, Avaro, (to make use of a human
phrase) your ignorance is enough to provoke the very devil.
Do you not know yet, if I were not jack of all trades and
religions, I could never maintain my sway over men as I
do. I have very great concern in religious matters, I assure you, and that among more denominations than some
people like to hear of. Sometimes I am among the Pagans
worshipped as an arch-flamin, and president of all their re
ligious orders. Very frequently I have the honor of filling
the papal chair. Then I am adored under the venerable
names of Pius, Innocent, Benedict, &c. accounted the universal pastor, head of the church, and father of the whole
world. Occasionally I sit as judge in the holy inquisitive
tribunal, where Concupiscentia and I are adored as divinities. Now I am an holy mussulman, and styled his reverence mufti, Muly Alab. Then, before you are aware, I am
shut up in a cloister with the nuns and friars, whom I make
more proud of their pretended chastity than a thousand
saints are of their real graces. On such occasions, I am
known by the name of the venerable matron Humility. It
happens, also, that I am obliged to metamorphose myself
into a capuchin, or a Palmerian friar, and in that show of
self-denial I beg my bread from door to door. By these
means I teach the fantastical devotees to be more proud of
their awkward form, and voluntary humility, than a wise
earl would be of all his landgraviate. Anon, I change my
station, and find myself an abbot of a convent, where my
depending priests and brethren worship me under the name
of the holy father. Then, very soon after, you will find me
attending the worthy confessor in his visitation; when, to
be sure, I persuade his self-conceited reverence that he is
well-nigh as pure as the most holy mother pope Joan, a fortunate lady, who, a few centuries ago, became head of the
church, and mother of the whole world. The hermit, in
his cell, on the mountains of Ararat, frequently offers his
adoration to me, and, for my part, in return for his obsequiousness, I am in no wise sparing of my exalting influence.
I persuade the world-abdicating wretch that his solitary residence in that holy asylum, far more than merits a mansion
in heaven, and at his peril, that he stir not one f(ot from




OF DEVILS.                    29
thence, to go down into an ungodly world: the mountaintop, or a cell in the desert, being the best place ilnaginable,
in which to merit everlasting glory. The worthy hermit
admits my doctrine to be true, his favorite passion is gratified,
and he obeys implicitly my directions.
AVARO. Then his eremitical reverence never questions
the goodness of his heart, I perceive. He knows not that
he carries a spring of iniquity within himself, even to the
desert, or the mountain's top.
FASTOSUS. No, no, he fears no evil from within.  If he
gets to a distance remote enough from the rest of mankind,
he can repose the greatest confidence in his own heart; and
thereby proclaims his folly to all the world. I assure him,
that if he will remain during life in his cell, when he comnes
to die, he will have holiness sufficient for himself; and a
large redundancy, by which he may help some poor friend
out of purgatory.
AVARO. Hey day! how different was Paul's doctrine
from yours and the hermit's, Fastosus! He asserted that
by the works of the law no flesh living should be justified;
but you and he believe that by the works of the law a man
may be more than justified. Yea, that by observing of things
nowhere commanded in the law, such as forsaking society,
counting beads, and mumbling prayers, he may not only justify hinself, but help another to justification.
FAsTosUS. Ay, Avaro, the hermit believes so; but for
my part I believe no such thing. I know better, thouoh I
thus delude him. But to pass on with my story, I can tell
you, I have a good deal of employment among your disciples, cousin, and with them I work wonders of compelled
generosity.  I meet with many, who never had the heart
to pertorm one virtuous, benevolent action, whilst health
continued; who, when they perceive that they must come
to a reckoning in the other world, are very assiduous to have
their accounts balanced aforehand. I persuade them to leave
a massy sum to this hospital, to the other parish, or to certain meeting-houses.  When I thus direct the will of devotees, one leaves gold enough to build a chapel for our
lady, a second doth the like for St. Peter, and a third for St.
Dominick. But in general they are most fond of saints of
their own rearing, the greatest part of whom are now made
constellations in the nether sky, and courtiers to the prince
C2




20                     DIALOGUES
Beelzebub.  Ask you me, Avaro, what end the testator has
in those pious legacies  I tell you, by this time he sees that
the manner in which he got and kept his money, has not
the least tendency to save him from destruction; and lie
knows but one way to avert the impending judgment; that
is, to leave his so and so gotten money for the good of the
church; and that, he is told, never fails to sanctify every
measure to procure it. Some of those deluded testators are
not without hope, that, in some future period, their names
will be enrolled in the pope's bible; and their shrines adored
in the Christian pantheon, at Rome, where all the gods of
the papal hierarchy are enshrined.
AVARO. Good Fastosus, I really think, that, if the papists would act in character, they should dedicate their temnples to St. Judas, St. Demas, St. Demetrius, St. Alexander
the coppersmith, &c. for they are the genuine ofispring of
those celebrated heroes.
FASTosus. Their very descendants, cousin.  You and I,
who know what we see, can discern no essential difference
between the holy Roman Catholic religion, and that of the
ancient pagans. It was the most excellent device imaginable to introduce paganism under the specious show of orthodox and infallible Christianity. And I can tell you, there
is no essential difference between the popish religion, and
that of some sects of very staunch Protestants; but these
things we must keep to ourselves; for I would not, for ever
so much, our people should know that the popish religion is
diabolic.
AVARO. I should be glad to hear it made out, uncle, how
the religion of some Protestants is much the same with that
of the papists: this being well cleared up will yield me
great pleasure.
FASTOSUS.  I can clear it up, Avaro.  And shall, at a
time convenient; but not now. I must go and put the finishing hand to my lady's robes.  To-morrow I shall meet
you here. Adieu.
AVARO. Well, seeing my uncle is gone, I'll go and hide
the lawyer's money in a place of safety, and return to some
business which I promised to transact for my worthy children.




OF DEVILS.                     31
DIALOGUE III.
INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR.
THE way being clear by the departure of Fastosus and
Avaro, I came out of my lurking place, in order to make
what discoveries I could in the valley, which I now knew
to be a rendezvous for those evil spirits, who so dreadfully
have enslaved mankind.  I had not gone far, before my
alarmed imagination transformed every tiling I saw into a
devil; the croaking of the raven was as dreadful as the
voice of an hobgoblin; and the shrieking of the owl as ter
rible as the roaring of Apollyon. Every distant bush seem
ed to bear the aspect of some devouring fiend, so powerful
was the influence of my imagination.  Curiosity, however,
had still the ascendency over my fears; and I wandered
from place to place, seeking for something new. At length
I saw, at some distance, a tall gigantic form, slowly moving
towards me.  A form nearly as huge as the steeple of St.
Cuthbert's church, at Dulmensis.  Every time he contracted his extensive chest, he darkened the air with the breath
which issued from his expanded nostrils, as pillars of smoke
from the chimney of a fire-engine: smaller streams of the
same darkening vapor came curling forth from his armpits,
and every pore of his skin, so that wherever he came he
blackened the air around him.
Now, thought I, my life is not worth two-pence, if yonder demon lay hold on me. Therefore I ran with full speed
to the cliff of the rock, where I had lurked so secure before: and having taken sanctuary in the subterraneous cell,
I gathered so much courage as to peep out, that I might
learn what was become of the terrible monster. I saw that
he was got almost to the door of my cave.  Frightened I
vwas, you may be sure; nevertheless, I comforted myself
with the thought, that such a tremendous bulk could not enter my narrow retreat.  lie said to himself (his voice as he
spoke resembling hollow thunder) "I thougoht I had seen
the honorable Fastosus, and the careful Avaro, walking
here just now; but I miglht be mistaken; or if they have
been here, they are gone on our great father's business, no




32                   DIALOGUES
doubt. Well, seeing it is so, I will take a turn or two in
the vale, and then return to my business again."
Notwithstanding all the tremor of my mind, I was eagei
to know what he was, and how he came hither; but durst
not discover myself, lest he should prove a devil of the cannibal kind, which if he should, I thought that he would
scarce make one mouthful of my diminutive carcass. But
when he mentioned going to business again, I queried
whether he might not be one of Vulcan's smiths, come out
of the forge to take a refreshing walk; then I recollected,
and asked myself, "If he is one of the cyclops, how came
he to be acquainted with the devils Fastosus and Avaro V"
I continued in this dreadful suspense for some time, until at
last seeing one of his companions, he entered into discourse
with him. I found that his name was INFIDELIS, and that
of the other IMPIATOR.
INFIDELIS. Impiator, my child, how do you do? I am
glad to meet my son in the vale of horrors, in so lucky an
hour.
IMPIATOR. Hah, my worshipfill father, Infidelis! Am I
so happy as to meet with you here    My venerable sire,
how do you dol
INFIDELIS. I thank you, son, very well. Notwithstanding my great age, and hurry of business, I do not find the
least decay in my constitution, but rather seem to grow
stronger; and indeed there is a prediction on record, that I
shall be strongest at the last.
What pleasure does it give me, my dear Impiator, to
hear that you are so successful, in ensnaring the minds and
corrupting the morals of mankind, throughout every nation
of the world. If what I hear of you be true, you approve
yourself a right chip of the old block. I rejoice that some
of all ranks and degrees of people are so subjected to our
sway. I am told that many, even of the professors of religion, fondly caress you, my son.
IMPIATOR. Indeed, sir, it must not be denied that my
kingdom is in a growing condition, all over the world. I
think I was hardly ever so much, and never more caressed
than I am now. Even in pagan nations, heretofore remarkable for uprightness and temperance, I have introduced the
fashionable vices of the Christian world: so that an Indian
will drink and swear even with an Englishman; and lie




or DEVILS.                    33
and cheat as fast as a Gaul or an Hollander. Greatly am I
beholden to a certain company for instructing the eastern
world in the learned arts of violence, rapine, and murder. Not to dwell, however, on the conversion of the pagans to the vices of nominal Christians, much improvement
has been made even in Christendom itself, of which, take
the following instances out of many that might be given.
It is not a vast number of years since your son Impiator
was held in perfect disdain in Scotland; but now I have
chosen many legions of the Caledonians for myself. I think
I ougfht rather to say, that being quite tired of the service
of Sobriety, a prince of another family, they made choice
of me for their ruler.  But you know, father, that I am no
scholar, therefore improprieties in my speech are not at all
to be wondered at.  However, I have reduced the Scotch
to such a veneration for my once hated person, that they
have cordially embraced the ornamental vices of the English nation; such as sabbath-breaking, whoring, drunkenness, swearing, gambling, &c.; but whether they will be as
successful in obtaining pensions from the government, after
they have gambled away their estates, is not so easy to determine.  The conquest of the Scotch, sir, is the more
agreeable to me, because, as I said, there was a time, when
those vices were hardly so much as known in that country;
now, who but Profanity in all their towns! Nor am I without my worshippers in the country, even among their Presbyterian parsons themselves.
INFIDELIS. Glad am I that my lovely child has subdued
the stubborn Scotch. For I well know that the Presbyterians there resisted your influence long after I had erected
my standard in the land; yea, after multitudes flocked to it,
and swore allegiance to the great Infidelis. But how, my
son, hast thou so happily accomplished this change e
IMPIATOR. Really, sir, I obtained help from  a quarter
whence there was not the least reason to expect it. I mean
from the parsons, the spiritual guides of the people. It hap
pened thus:  The parsons of the kirk quarrelled among
themselves, and divided into two parties; one of which forsook their mother kirk, and very solemnly delivered up the
other party to the devil; on the other hand, the reverend
gentlemen, who abode in the kirk, in the like spirit of devotion, delivered up the schismatics, parson and people, to




34                    DIALOGUES
Beelzebub. Beelzebub, who you know is never backward
in receiving a gift of this kind, finding that all the presbyterians in Scotland were thus in full tale made over to him,
laid his hands upon as many of them as he could conveniently reach, and made such use of them as greatly assisted
my operations.  Little was now to be heard in the pulpit,
except railing, scolding, calling ill names, and tossing
anathemas, from one party to the other. Thus while they
went on bandying curses, we went on persuading the people that religion is a farce, and that true happiness consists
in present gratification; and this doctrine, readily affecting
the heart and senses, was eagerly received, and my government established.
INFIDELIS. It was a favorable juncture indeed; and I
have often remarked, that if there was any turn of religious affairs much in our favor, for the most part, we have
parsons to thank for their assistance in it. Many instances
of this might be given. But I pray thee, my son, didst thou
ever hear of my original, and the nature of my government 
IMPIATOR. No, not I, indeed. You know, sir, I was born
with evident signs of stupidity, and therefore could never
read; and, to tell you the truth, all my cares are in the
present tense, without inquiring into either originals or ter
minations.
INFIDELIS. All this I know, my child. But, as we are
secure from mortal auditors, being in Horrida Vallis, if you
can spare a little time, I will give you some account of my
rise and progress. Perhaps it may have a happy tendency
to promote your destructive designs, and so strengthen the
pillars of the elevated throne of great Profanity. What I
relate you may depend upon for truth: for, although we
seldom speak any thing but lies to mankind, one devil may
well enough depend upon the word of another.
IMPIATOR. Yes, that we may, sir; and I presume if mankind were to hear what passeth at our private conferences,
they would not continue long so fond of our service as they
are at present. As to your story, sir, I am ready to hear it.
Perhaps, as you say, I may profit by it.
INFIDELIS. Well then, my son, you will observe that I am
of a very great age, well-nigh as old as the world, which
you see is worn quite threadbare, and will in a little time
be folded up as an old garment of no use. As to my original




OF DEVILS.                    35
f can tell you that T am well descended; of royal lineage,
I assure you. Great Beelzebub himself begat me, and my
sister Ignorantia, on Eve, the mother of all living on earth.
When I came to years of maturity, he gave me Ignorantia,
my fellow-twin, to wife; and by her I had you, with your
worthy brethren, Avaro, Falax, Crudelis, and your sisters,
Perfidia, Concupiscentia, &c. At the same time my elder
brother Fastosus, who had Inscientia, a lady of remarkable
beauty, given him to wife, begat on her Ambitiosus, Contumax, Discordans, and their sisters Malevolentia, Iracundia,
and a large train of excellent worthies, famous in the annals
of the nether regions.
As soon as I was born, I stood up like a stupendous wall
betwixt the Creator and the creature, so that blessings, of a
spiritual kind, could not descend from God to man, nor
could obedience ascend from man to God. One of the first
things I did was to maim their moral powers, and accomplish an union betwixt them and my great father Beelzebub.
Such an union I did establish, as nothing natural shall ever
be able to dissolve.
IMPIATOR. Ha! my sire, you began very early indeed.
You spent little idle time in your infancy; and proved very
successful in your first enterprise too!
INFIDELIS. I have no reason to complain for want of suc.
cess, I assure you. But you shall hear. The very moment
I was brought forth, the great Beelzebub gazed upon me
with all the admiration of a father infernal, and said, that I
was the loveliest babe his eyes ever beheld. Multitudes of
his sable menials, flocking together, were likewise astonished at my beauties. Such majestic grace displayed itself
in my countenance, though then but an infant, that all
agreed "I was father's own child."  Moreover, sucn were
their hopes of my usefulness, that great Beelzebub, and his
peers, did what they could, sparing neither pains nor expense, to have me transported to hell, to be nursed up at the
infernal court; believing that my presence would greatly
alleviate their distress, and prevent their trembling on the
thoughts of futurity. But my constitution being altogether
earthy, it was found by experience that the infernal air was
too hot for me, and that I could not live within the confines
of the damned. Earth, my child, only earth is my habitation. Here I was born, and here I suppose I must die.




36                    DIALOGUES
IMPIATOR. With your leave, father, I think I have some.
where heard, that all who are now the inhabitants of the
deep are unbelievers.  How comes this to pass, if the great
Infidelis cannot live in those torrid regions.
INFIDELIS. I perceive, child, that you are no great proficient in theology. As for me, I have dealt against divine
matters all my days.  It is your province to counteract
moral principles, not interfering much with things divine;
and my province to oppose truth, rather than promote immorality; therefore I shall inform you how it comes to pass.
Know then, that what a man is when he dies, such he is in
the eye of the moral law to all eternity; for death casts the
die, and in the same posture in which the tree falls it must
lie for ever: but with infidelity they never more agree. For
instance, many of them, whilst on earth, could not be prevailed on to believe that there is a God; but in hell they are
feelingly convinced of the truth of this doctrine. Now they
believe that there is a terrible God, and that they are fallen
into his dreadful hands. Search hell through all its corners,
ransack every furnace in the fiery world, and you will find
never an atheist therein. Others, whilst on earth, were not
quite so stupid as to imagine that this beautiful world, and
all things therein, came into existence of themselves, and
that the economy of nature is wholly effected by chance:
therefore, they assented to the being of God; but deemed
it enthusiasm to suppose that this God should subject his
creatures unto a written law. They sneered at the authority
of the scriptures; ridiculed every part of instituted worship;
and gloried in their infidelity. But now, they are sentenced
to hell, and have had a specimen of eternal torment, they
most sincerely believe the veracity of the scriptures; finding
themselves to have been judged acccording to what is written in them. Others, whilst health and strergth continued
with them, supposed God was only.esting, when ne threatened the sinner with the vengeance of eternal fire; but now
they are in hell, enduring that vengeance, they verily believe that he was in earnest. In short, son, many of them
disbelieved that there is either God or devil, heaven or hell;
but now, all these things are certain, even to demonstration,
with them; they having been driven to associate with the
peers of darkness.
The very best of historical faith is to be found in hell.




OF DEVILS.                    37
Theie are millions now inhabiting there, who, when on
earth, could boast that they had good hearts, and believed
well all their days, but who never began in reality to believe the report of the bible, until they tasted the sulphur
of the lake.  Then they believed very sincerely, though
very much against their inclination.  Now do you understand me, when I tell you that unbelief cannot live in hell 
IMPIATOR. Yes; but you amaze me, sir! I never heard
so much before. What a learned devil you are! The famous pope Hellbrand himself could not have discussed the
subject with greater accuracy.  One may see from  you
what it is to be conversant with popes, councils, convocations, and the clergy.  But in our country all the conversation runs upon horse-coursing, card-playing, cock-fighting,
fox-hunting, whore-making, swearing, lying, cheating and
drinking.  Not a word about religion, unless it is to damn
the parson for a sanctified hypocrite. And more, sir, I never
knew that I had so many brethren and sisters before. Right
well I knew that I was begotten by you; but I looked on
myself as your only son by Ignorantia, my mother. Those
honorable spirits, whom you mention as my brethren, I always took to have been sons of Beelzebub, your brethren
and my uncles. I should never have thought of a fraternal
relation subsisting between them and myself, in any other
way than co-operation.
INFIDELIS. You have been greatly mistaken, Impiator;
for Beelzebub never begat a son besides myself, and my
brother Fastosus, who is something older than I. I am aware
that there are some who allege that Contumax, Crudelis,
Discordans, &c. are the natural children of the great Beelzebub; but it is a mistake; for they are only his grandchildren, sons to my brother Fastosus. The very moment that
Contumax was brought forth, our great father Beelzebub,
with all his adherents, were cast down from the ineffable
heights of primeval glory, to the depths of bottomless perdi.
tion; and, according to a certain historian, were nine natural days in falling. Now, my dear Impiator, by this account, Contumax is your cousin, and my nephew. So that
you are not only a brother in government with those illustrious princes; but sprung from the same famous ancestors
with them.
IMPIATOR. Indeed, sir, I am astonished at your story;
1)




38                    DIALOGUES
but you know that I am no scholar, and that ought to excuse
for my ignorance of matters so profound.  Iesides, such
things very seldom make a great impression on my mind,
being quite out of my latitude. However, I should be glad
to know how your extensive government was established.
INFIDELIS. How it elates my mind, to hear my dear Impiator express desire after instruction! I will inform you as
far as I myself have known. My kingdom, which is indeed
extensive, was established as follows. As soon as I was
born, I began to call in question the truth, goodness, and
authority of the Almighty; and in every respect set myself
to oppose the Eternal, by contradicting every word which
he spake to man.
For instance, when God said to man, " Thou shalt not eat
of the fruit of such and such a tree;" although then in my
infancy, I stepped up to man, and thus interrogated him:
Hath God indeed said so  are you sure of it? are you not
mistaken, think you  You must needs have misunderstood
him; for it cannot be consistent with the goodness of such a
being as God is, to forbid your eating the fruit of such a divine tree. And as God had said, "In the day you eat
thereof you shall surely die," I addressed myself to man
after this manner. Die too! nay, ye shall not die. That
is only an empty threatening, to keep your conscience in
awe; for God doth very well know, that if you eat of that
precious fruit ye shall be Gods, like himself, having knowledge of good and evil. For this it is that he hath prohibited
the use of this divine tree. My brother, Fastosus, also performed wonders on this occasion. By these means I brought
over man to my obedience. Thus I established my interest
upon earth, and hitherto I have maintained it. With safety
may I say that my good friends, both parsons and people, to
this day, love me as their lives, and at any time sooner take
the bare word of the adored Infidelis, than the word and oath
of the God of Heaven.
IMPIATOR. Why sir, you began from a child to work the
delightful works of darkness.
INFIDELIS. Yes, I am the eldest of all the Beelzebubian
oflspr'ng, Fastosus alone excepted; and I yield in point of
overnment to none of the princes. Fastosus and I, indeed,
ave a dispute between us, concerning the extent of our
earthly territories. I can freely allow him the pre-eminence




OF DEVILS.                    39
w!tn respect to his angelic dominions; but I can never be
brought to own that his sway over mankind is more extensive than mine, nor yet more sovereign. I yield to none in
this debate; for all men are included under my government: and what makes greatly for my interest is, that the
far greater part of them cannot be persuaded that I have
any real existence. Thus it is, my dear Impiator, I reign
almost universally over mankind, and they perceive it not.
Many thousands of those good people, who believe nothing
of my existence, and who, in their own imagination, had believed well all their days, have I conducted very safely down
to the dark abodes of ever-gnawing anguish; within which
they were no sooner entered and began to taste of the entertainment, than they were fully convinced they had never
believed aright. It is the unparalleled dexterity of our administration, that all our works are performed in obscurity.
And, let me tell thee, child, it will require a better light,
than any natural ray of the human understanding, to trace
and detect our deep intrigues. Thus far, with respect to
myself and government. I shall take it kind if you will, in
your turn, oblige me with some account of yours, my son.
IMPIATOR. Yes, sir, your command shall be instantly
obeyed; yet upon this condition only, that you excuse my
inaccuracies; because I know myself to be the most illiterate
devil of the fraternity, and cannot speak like the courtly
Fastosus, the reverend Infidelis, or the intelligent Falax.
INFIDELIS. No apologies, Impiator. We all know that
neither you, nor your disciples, have any taste for learning.
Therefore, we expect not to hear you speak as an orator,
but as a plain, illiterate devil.
IMPIATOR. Then I proceed. My kingdom doth not consist
of all the land known by the name of Impiety-Real, as some
geographers allege, several provinces being made over, by
treaty, to my uncle Fastosus; such as the provinces of Civility, Legality, Presumption and Formality. I reign openly
only over the land called Impiety Enormous; and in our
country the laws are as black as the bottomless pit; for
there iniquity is established by authority. As to the rest of
my kingdom, it was, like all the branches of Beelzebub's
government, accomplished by subtilty and guile. For man,
considered simply as a creature, could never have been subjected to my sway; for this reason I was put to my shifts,.




40                    DIALOGUES
to find out some proper method for introducing my rega
power.
So violent wa; the opposition to it, that my brain was put
to the utmost torture; and after all I should have been
obliged to return to my native country, with my finger in
my mouth, had it not been for the timely assistance I received from  my worthy friends and relations.  My good old
mother, who, you know, hath an excellent hand at a dead
lift, by means peculiar to herself, kicked up such a dust as
almost put out the eyes of one of the most vigilant and formidable of my numerous adversaries: a captain, from whose
hand I had much to fear. His name was Intellectus. From
that time to this, he hath been incapable of discerning my
deformities, and the danger to which men are exposed by
my dominion. And what makes very much for me, the old
gentleman can hardly be persuaded but his eyesight is now
as good as ever it was. I need not tell you the advantages
that resulted to me from this his deception. At the same
time my worthy uncle Fastosus came up to the second, a
sturdy chief; whose name was Volens, as tradition says, and
he gave his back a most dreadful wrench, insomuch that he
has never recovered his former posture. I myself took a
poisonous, or rather an intoxicating apple, and having gilded
it over with leaf-gold, presented it to the third, whose name,
if I remember right, was Rationalis. It answered my expectation. He swallowed the bait, and ever since has called
bitter sweet, and sweet he hath called bitter.
This triumvirate being thus disabled, I found my conquest
extremely easy; and, without any struggle, on the part of
the rest, I confined them to incessant labor and drudgery,
in the diffirent parts of my extended territories, where they
are as content as possible with their condition, many of them
believing they are still in the garden of paradise.
INFIDELIS. Indeed, learned or unlearned, you display uncommon merit. Great is my honor and happiness in having
such a son. The potent Impiator will do honor to the venerable name of Infidelis to the end of the world. Well, my
son, will you please to proceed?
IMPIATOR. Perhaps you have heard that my kingdom is
divided into several cantons, according to the dispositions of
my subjects, each canton having its proper employments.
1. There is a canton of drunkards, out of which I select




OF DEVILS.                      41
all my courtiers, and officers in general.  This canton has
se) eral communications with all the other parts of my dominions; and this we call the royal canton.
2. There is a swearer's canton, a set of people the most
unaccountably foolish of all my subjects; but a people very
profitable to our government.
3. There is a canton of thieves, to which all pilferers,
robbers, gamesters, and deceitful dealers belong. A very
populous and splendid canton this is.
4. There is the liars' canton. These are a people possessed of two tongues; a people who have very much of the
features of great Beelzebub; and a very populous and polite
canton it is also.
5. There is the canton of Sabbath-breakers. Here there
is hardly room  enough for the inhabitants, they are so exceedingly numerous.
6. There is the adulterers' canton. This is a very dark
place; seldom visited by the rays of the sun. The fornicators cohabit with them.
7. There is the murderers' canton, the darkest and the
most miserable place in all my dominions; yet for all that,
it is very well peopled. For here are ranked not only those
who cut one another's throats, like the Alexanders, Tamerlanes, Philips, Louises, &c. but also oppressors of every
sort, cruel husbands and wives, disobedient children, who
break their parents' hearts, false friends, backbiters, and
calumniators.  Indeed all who wanton in the unhappiness
of their fellow creatures, like corn factors and carcass butchers: so that you see here are many inhabitants, and that too
of considerable figure. It is worthy of observation, that all
the cantons have easy passages from one another; so that
although the employment in each is different from that of
the rest, they all hold communication with one another, as
subjects of the same prince, and heirs of the same inherit.
ance.
Yea, so numerous are the roads that lead from one to the
other, that if a man gets into any one of my cantons, it requires no less power than omnipotent power, and wisdom
equal to omniscient, to extricate him from a labyrinth so dangerous.  And it is well for me that it is so; for some of my
subjects are frequently terrified, especially those that work
in the deep mines, lest they dig themselves through the
D2




42                    DIALOGUES
earth. and tumble into hell. But a little time discovers that
their efforts to deliver themselves are all ineffectual; for
the road by which they escape from one canton, leads them
into another equally dangerous. Many ways there are to
throw a man down into my mines; but, believe me, if ever
any one comes up again, it must cost the Almighty an errand
from heaven to rescue him. I assure you, sir, that by the
help of these subtle passages and intricate turnings, I keep
my subjects enslaved, with as little trouble to myself as any
master devil that ever ascended out of the bottomless pit.
But, by the way, I am constantly employed in planning out
fresh measures for the slaves to pursue. Oh  sir, the end
will show that I give ample demonstration of my fidelity to
my royal grandfather, Beelzebub, of whom I hold my lands
by fief.
INFIDELIS. My dear son, how it rejoiceth my aged heart
to hear of your wise administration! However infatuated
your foolish subjects may be, the great Impiator lacketh not
craftiness. By you, my son, shall my name be perpetuated
when I am dead and gone. For I must die, my child. As
soon as the rrmghty angel shall sound the dead-awakening
trumpet, the great, the far-famed Infidelis must resign his
breath. Yet, be not you discouraged, Impiator; for you
shall live for ever. You know how I fostered you in my bosom, and endued you with qualifications to sit on the throne
of Profanity, where so successfully you reign.-Permit me
now to tell you, that knowing that I must die, I have, like
all other wise people, made my will, and, for your encouragement, I have appointed you, my son, with your uncle
Fastosus, your highly honored brother Desperando, and your
cousins Contumax and Discordans, the joint executors thereof, and sole heirs unto all my dominions and subjects, who,
at my decease, are to be transported to the land of torment;
there you shall reign in eternal triumph over them. Then
it will be, and not before, that great Impiator shall arrive at
the zenith of his glory.
IMPIATOR. I suppose so, sir; for I am told that, about that
time, the provinces of Civility, Formality, Presumption, Legality and Hypocrisy, so famous in the empire of Fastosus,
are all to be annexed to my dominions, which will then be
very extensive, and the government of Profanity very reo
spectable.




OF DEVILS.                    43
INFIDELIS. I would ask you now, my son, for a descrijtion of those famous cantons you mentioned; but as affairs
of importance call me hence, could not you favor me with
an interview for this purpose, to-morrow, precisely at twelve
o'clock 3
IMPIATOR. I will, sir. Fare you well.
DIALOGUE IV.
FASTOSUS AND AVARO.
BEING privy to the appointment betwixt Fastosus,nd
Avaro, I took care to arrive in the valley time enough to
hear all that passed. For now my business was left to shift
for itself, and every thing gave place to the force of curiosity, which bore down, like an inundation, every thing before
it. If nay wife consulted me in any thing, I would answer,
"Fastosus." If my children told me of their progress at
school, I would abruptly reply, "horrida Vallis!"  When
my journeymen, or apprentices, talked to me about the shop
business, my answer was, " the great Avaro."  And if they
said any thing about my good friend, the parson, I would say,
"Oh! the wonderful Infidelis!" In fact, I could think about
nothing but the devils in the valley. Therefore, I took care
to provide myself with every thing necessary, and away 1
went to the vale of horrors, and had not long been there ere
I saw Fastosus and Avaro come travelling towards me. And
thus they began their discourse.
AVARO. I am glad, very glad, sir, that you are here so soon.
I was afraid that you would find much business at Paris, besides finishing my lady's robes.
FASTOSUS. I did find more than I expected, cousin; for I
had no sooner finished with the mantua-maker, than I was
waited upon by a hatter, who begged to be informed, whether
it was most genteel to fix the loops of a hat an inch and a
half, or only one bare inch in depth; and whether a gentle.
man is most of a cavalier with his hat cocked in right angles,
or with one obtuse and two acute angles. Before I had well
satisfied the hatter, in came a gentleman peruke-maker, who
humbly asked me whether a nobleman looks most like a




44                    DIALOGUES
hero when he has one, or when he has two curls bobbing
over his ears. Provoked that the gentlemen mechanics
should suppose I had nothing to do but to cock hats, and
adjust wigs, I wrinkled my forehead into a most majestic
friown, and made the following answer: "Get hence, thou
shrinking cur. I have known a lord before now that had
his ears so covered with tiers of curls, that he could not hear
the commands of his superiors.  The brave princes Ferdinand and Frederick of Brunswick, and the noble marquis
of Granby, will soon break through all the redoubts of a
barber's fortifications."*  The words were no sooner out of
my mouth, than I was sent for by his grace the d-e of
C     11, to inform him whether it was most graceful for a
courtier to wear his hat with the front declining on the right
or the left side of the brow. To whom I said, " Good my
lord, you may soon resolve this difficulty, without seeking
to the devil for advice. If your grace will only mark well
to which side of the block the hats of the vulgar incline;
then be sure to let the hats of the courtiers turn always contrary to the vulgar method." No sooner had I satisfied his
grace, than L-s desired to know which was his best way to
keep up his character, and support his dignity in Europe, on
the loss of his dominions in America. For answer, I referred him to good Mr. Maubert, of Brussels, who hath as good
a hand at a dead lift, as if he had been bred a priest. And
so, cousin, with no small difficulty, I broke loose, and am
come hither according to appointment.
AVARO. By what you say, honored sir, I perceive that,
wheresoever idleness prevails, it is not among us; for we
have no rest day or night, but go about plotting the destruction of mankind.
For my own part, I assure you, I have had but little rest
since I saw you last; and so very fond are mankind of my
counsels, that I expect but very little rest for the time to
come.  You know I was going to secrete a bag of money
in the valley, when you and I inet. This was no sooner
done than I was waited on by a parson, who had his eyes
upon a good living, with a view to receive directions about
obtaining it. And he was followed by a tradesman, who
had a desire to make a profitable break of it; but begged
* This was written before the conclusion of the late war.




OF DEVILS.                    45
directions how he rlight do it honorably. I referred him to
the goddesses Perfidia and Fallacia tor instructions, as they
more immediately preside in that department. This honorable gentleman dispatched, I was attended by a certain curate, who having never had inclination nor opportunity to
examine the canons of a certain church, came to consult
me whether it was lawful to christen a child, if the parents
had not money enough to pay the fees. I told him, by no
means; for if you once begin to officiate gratis, you will
have enough of it, and the parson's trade will be worse than
an attorney's clerkship. The gentleman took my advice,
being determined to seek the good of the church; and truly,
because the mother had not two shillings and sixpence to
pay the parson, she could not have her son made a child of
God, and an heir of the kingdom of heaven.
FASTOSUS. Well, but cousin, is that matter of fact?
AVARO. Indeed, sir, it is what actually happened not five
hundred miles from London bridge; and there is a certain
gentleman alive who could avouch the truth of it, if he
thought proper.
Having dispatched the journeyman parson, I was sent for,
in all haste, by my good friend the attorney. He, worthy
gentleman, has undertaken a cause which, he very well
knows, can never be defended upon principles of honor and
honesty; but his client is a rich man, can well bear fleecing,
and therefore he could not in conscience put him aside. He
knows exceeding well how to turn the rich man's cause to
his own emolument, if he could but manage it so as not to
injure his own credit.  That was the perplexity which he
begged me to clear up. Said he, within himself, "Can I
but get this cause to depend in chancery for a few years,
(which by the way is the highest point in law for a desperate cause) I shall gain some hundreds of pounds by it." As
soon as he had done his duty to me, he very humbly laid the
matter without reserve before me. Then said I, My good
sir, let not the suit disturb you. I will manage it both for
your honor and profit; never fear me.  VVho is he that is
employed against you 3 To which he replied, " Oh! a very
skilful man. No less a person than the great Mr. Falsebood,-a very eminent attorney indeed!" Come, said I, let
him be sent for. This was done, and the lawyer Falsehoo.
attended accordingly.




46                   DIALOGUES
Being both seated in my client's great parlor, the good
man addressed Mr. Falsehood, thus, "My best friend Mr.
Falsehood, you n    and I are engaged as opponents in.is suit;
both of the gentlemen are resolute, and will bear a good
deal of fleecing; you know what I mean, sir. Now all is
as yet uncertain, and the issue will greatly depend upon
the measures to be taken by you and me. I would therefore, good sir, that we make it certain. If right take place,
it will be speedily over, and we shall make but a poor job
of it; but if it is well managed, it may produce some hundreds a-piece. My advice is, sir, that it shall hang in chancery, like a poor man's soul in purgatory. What do you say,
Mr. Falsehood "
Mr. Falsehood replied, " It will never do, good sir, it will
never do, to bring it to a speedy issue; that is certain. But
I'll tell you what we will do. You know that you have the
worst side of the cause, and if I act the part of an honest
man, you will soon be obliged to give up; but I shall act
the part of a skilful lawyer, which will suit both of our pui-.
poses much better. I shall give you all the advantages th~
I can, in order to keep the cause depending, until the p?
tience of our clients is quite exhausted, and they agree t
put the matter to arbitration. As they are both men of reso
lution, by that time it will be a job worth gathering."
So having set the two worthy lawyers to drink a bottle
to the good luck of it, I left them, took wing and came
hither. But I can tell you, if I had not soared aloft I had
not been here so soon; for I saw a great number of parsons,
lawyers, and farmers watching for me. I gave them the
slip, however, and artfully dropt my influences upon them.
Surely they may allow their master sometimes to converse
with his friends.
FASTOSUS. Ah! Avaro, when we subjected man to our
powers, we planned out a great deal of employment for
ourselves: for so fond are they of us, that they will do nothing, unless one or other of our fraternity preside over
every action,
AVARO. Str, if it would not be offensive to you, I should
be glad to hear some account of your origin, and of the nature of your government.
FASTOSUS. Avaro, a spirit earth-born, as you are, must be
too grovelling in his genius to understand much of my his




OF DEVILS.                    47
tory, dominion, and operations; otherwise, I would with all
my heart favor you with the relation you desire.
AVARO. Well, sir, but I am  willing to learn of you, if
you will condescend to instruct me. However untractable
am among mankind, you shall find me teachable enough
with you.
FASTOSUS. You promise fair, cousin. I love your submission, and therefore shall begin. Observe then, I am of
high parentage, as well as of heroic deeds. I was born
in heaven, cousin. It was there that Satan the great archangel begat me, upon himself; and as soon as I was begotten, I in return begat him; and the very moment I was begotten I was brought forth, and instantly killed my father.
AVARO. Indeed, uncle, you start high. You told me that
I could not understand you, and now I perceive the truth
of it; for really I understand not one word of all you have
said. I hope, sir, you will condescend to explain your parables.
FASTOSUS. Well, if you understand me not, I shall descend lower, though indeed, I hate to speak of my own
affairs in a vulgar style, so as to be understood by every
petty spirit. But as you, Avaro, are of excellent use to my
operations, I shall stand upon no distance, but avoid all ceremonies with you. Understand me then.  When God Almighty had created all the hosts of heaven, every angel was
perfectly pleased with his station; the most solid and joyous contentment reigned among them, and united the etherial inhabitants, who were, in those days, very numerous.
No one so much as wished his station altered. No one thought
himself capable of higher felicity and preferment than he
enjoyed. The adventurous Satan himself, though he has
not been blest with one moment's rest ever since I was born,
before that time possessed all the sublime and refined pleasures his exalted capacity was capable of. And well might
he be pleased with his station, seeing he was a mighty prince
among the angels, next in greatness to the Son of God, who
was appointed lord-lieutenant of the creation. And a mighty
prince in heaven he would have continued, had he not afterwards become a candidate for omnipotence. As for me I
was not born then, but I have heard old Satan, my father,
with flames of malice and indignation darting from his eyes,
tell how the most perfect harmony existed among the hosts




48                   DIALOGUES
of paradise; until it happened that a declaration was made
from the lofty throne, that the Son of God was predestinated,
at a time appointed, to assume a nature inferior to that of
angels; and the Most High commanded that, in that nature,
all the angels of God should worship the Son, even as they
worship the Father, and that all should submit to the government of the man whom God delighted to honor.
At this instant I was begotten in Satan's alarmed breast,
and cried out,'Tis enough that such exalted spirits as we
submit to him in his present unincarnate state. But worship and submit to him in an inferior nature, let who will,
I will not.  What does he mean  will the Almighty debase his first and best, and make us subject to an inferior
nature l No, it shall never be said, that Satan the archangel stooped so low! The great archangel's voice was
heard, his resolution was approved of, the standard of rebellion set up in heaven, and many millions of angels,
whose natures I had changed, joined in that day, and fell
into the depths of bottomless perdition. Now do you understand me 3
AvARo. I understand you pretty well when you say that
Satan begat you; but you say, that you begat him, and millions of devils besides. It ran always in my head that God
had made every devil in the bottomless pit; but if I understand you aright, you say you made them all.
FASTOSUS. True, I do say so, and I will not quit an hair's
breadth of my just prerogative. God never did, nor ever
could, make any sinner, either angelic or human. Mind
well what I say; for I perceive you are dull of apprehension, and but of a shallow judgment. It was not I, but God,
who made them creatures.  God created them  in a holy,
pure, and glorious state, and endued them with powers to
preserve their primitive station, in the upper skies: but it
was I, not God, who, from angels of light transformed them
into devils of darkness. The very moment I was conceived,
I changed them from light to darkness; from holiness to
sin; from glory to dishonor; and thus, though not as creatures, yet as devils they are wholly of my formation. Do
you understand me now 3
AVARO. Yes, sir, I understand yoq as to that; but you
said just now, that the moment you were brought forth you
killed your father. Great sir, these are dark sayings.




OF DEVILS.                    49
FASTosus. Ay, Avaro, to such as you they are dark;
but I'll explain them. I did not mean that I annihilated his
angelic nature; no, he is an angel still, although a black
one. But I meant that I slew all his primitive disposition
to goodness, killed the life of holiness that once was in him;
deprived him of the favor of God, which some people prefe'r
even unto life. I made him that crooked, perverse monster,
which you see he now is. I opened the overflowing sluices
of divine indignation, which continually pour down upon
him, whatever he is doing or wherever he flies, and not
upon him only, but upon all his adherents. Was not this
killing him to purpose, think you?
AVARO. Indeed it was. You had not hurt him half so
much, uncle, if you had deprived him of being. I wonder
that he can endure the sight of you, after all that has befallen him on your account! You have deprived him  of
every good, and brought every evil upon him; and vet he
loves you as he does his own soul.'Tis strange! wondrous
strange, Fastosus!
FASTOSUS. You'll think it stranger still, when I tell you
that he is so far from hating me, that he will do nothing,
either in earth or hell, amongst men or devils, but as he is
directed and prompted to it by me. And so far is he from
repenting of what he hath done, that he hath told me a
thousand times, if it were to do again he would do it. Nothing grieves the heart of old Satan so much as this,-the
very man whose exaltation he opposed, whose sway he resisted, and whose person he hath still in the most perfect
abhorrence, is dignified, not only by a personal union with
Jehovah; but by all judgment being committed into his
hand, and the public administration of all the affairs of heaven, earth, and hell devolving upon him. Great is his torment, from the consideration that he, with all his adherents,
must receive their final sentence from the same person, who,
of all beings, he hates with the most consummate hatred,
and on whose account he hates and seeks the destruction of
all the creatures of God.'Tis a perpetual hell to him, that the object of his greatest aversion sitteth on the circle of heaven, and holdeth him
continually as with bit and bridle; limiteth his operations at
pleasure, and sovereignly appoints his license by an unalterable determination.  When, through confirmed malice
E




50                     DIALOGUES
and desperate resolution, Satan struggles for larger scope,
Immanuel  yives him a check, saying, " Hitherto thou mayest go, but no farther."  And sometimes so severe is the
chck, that the prince of darkness is quite overturned; and
whilst sprawling on his back, for very vexation that he can
go no further, he rageth, and roareth louder than a thousand
lions, so that all the arches of gloomy Tartarus resound.
Then in the anguish of horrid despair, he bites his adamantine chains, foams at his mouth, and utters such dreadful
blasphemies as none but himself can utter.  What is the
most remarkable of all is, that the more rapidly the torrent
of the Almighty's wrath pours in upon him, the fonder he
is of me, the cause of all his misery.
AVARO. Sir, you say that Beelzebub will do nothing without your direction.  If I understand this right, it is not he,
but you who are governor of hell. Pray, sir, where are all
his princely prerogatives then?
FASTOSUS. It is not fitting, Avaro, that you should criticise upon my doctrine.  You ought to embrace it implicitly
as I deliver it to you.
AVARO. Pardon me, great sir; you put me in mind of
some of the modern parsons; for that is the very way that
they want their doctrine to be embraced, implicitly, without
questioning its currency.'Tis merry enough to hear them
exhort their hearers, to search the scriptures, to try the
spirits, to take heed what they hear, &c. and yet after all,
if any of their hearers attempt to bring the parson's own
sermon to trial by the scriptures,.he is deemed a trouble'
some, self-conceited fellow, and if' he happens to disprove
his doctrine by the scripture, he is presently dealt with, and
excommunicated as troubler of Israel.  For the parson
would have other people's doctrine tried, and, if false, refitted; but it is impious to do so by his own. Brave days,
Fastosus, are these! It is quite laughable to hear the modern
clergymen tell their hearers, that they have a right to private judgment, and to know the mind of God for themselves; and at the same time obliging them implicitly to
abide by the confession of faith already authenticated. That
is, uncle, the clergy will allow you to controvert the scriptures if you choose it; but their own articles must have
your implicit submission.
FASTOSUS. Well, cousin, you have fairly laughed me out




OF DEVILS.                     51
of my resentment, by the droll conduct of your parsons.
However, what I said, A-varo, I will maintain.  It shall
never be said that the devil, Fastosus, did at any time eat
his words; but I will condescend to explain myself. Without me, Beelzebub would be none other than an angel; but
rmixilng mself with his angelic faculties, I render him a
nerlc.t devil.  The same I do with all the rest of my infernal subjects.  Beelzebub himself is but a titular prince.'Tis I who instigate him, that am the great devil of all. To
tell vou more, it is I who formed hell itself, as a place of
punishment.  Such is the rectitude and equity of his nacure, that God never would, nor could, inflict any punishment without my intervention. lIe was ever guided in all
his works by his own perfections, and therefore could never
have punished sinless beings.  All beings would have remained sinless, but for me.  So in making sin, I made the
punishment of it. For if once sin is introduced, punishment
follows of course; it being as natural for sin to bring forth
punishment, as it is for the sun to send forth light and heat.
No being possibly can be a devil, but the being who is
possessed and governed by me.  Every being thus possessed and governed, whether angel or man, is a devil. But for
distinction's sake, we ascribe only the plain name of fiends,
to the angels whom I govern, and to men and women under
my dominion, we give the names of devils incarnate, because they inhabit bodies of flesh. The difference in the
stature of devils is not, that one is less devilish than the
other, but their being possessed of more noble endowments,
and more extensive qualities than others. So you see the
devils of quality among us, are more intelligent, more subtLe and crafty than devils of a vulgar race. The reason
why Beelzebub is head over all the infernal tribes also, is
net because he is more depraved than his adherents; but
because he was originally created in a more glorious station, possessed of endowments more exalted, and blest with
more extensive natural powers.  As such, being once depraved, he is capable of excelling his fellows as far, in diabolical achievements, as at first he excelled them  in their
heavenly station.  The same rule holds good, through thle
various ranks of my subjects. Were you to ask me, why it
is that devils without a body, are capable of exceeding in
sweet rebellion, those spirits who are embodied  I would




52                    DIALOGUES
answer without hesitation, "Not because the one is less
vicious, or one whit lei;s depraved, than the other; but for
the following  two very good and substantial reasons.
1. Although I reign and rule in the heart of every one
of them, yet whilst they are in the body, they are laid under particular restrictions by the Almighty; so that they cannot do all the evil which in their hearts I prompt them to
do; and therefore they cannot be So much like Beelzebub,
in their actions, as they would be.  Fear and shame very
often prevent people from gratifying their impious and unclean inclinations, when a love of virtue, and the fear of
God, are absolutely out of the question.
2. Because the natural powers of man are very far inferior to the powers of infernal spirits. The more extensive
a man's natural capacity, the nearer he may arrive to the
stature of Satan, if unrestrained by the grace of God.
Hence a crafty and learned pope, is by far more like the
devil than an ignorant, swaag-bellied friar. Yea, Avaro, the
more enlarged the capacity of either man or devil may be,
as it makes him capable of the higher degrees of wickedness, even so in proportion to the natural abilities of both
shall the punishment inflicted be. No wicked being is so
capable of being wicked as the crafty and understanding
person; who, if he is not truly virtuous and holy, must be
truly wicked and devilish. Hence one Hume, one Voltaire,
is an hundred times more capable of being useful to us,
than fifty H —w ds, or even five times the number of
popish priests. You may take this as a general maxim, that
the most enlarged soul must be the most tormented, if not
saved.
AVARO. One may see by your learning, sir, what it is to
be born among spirits.  Why, you converse as freely and
fluently about the nature of angels and men, as I can do
about gcld and silver coin. Great, great, sir, is your merit.
FASTOSUS. How should it be otherwise, Avaro, when you
consider the subtility of my nature? I am the very soul of
Beelzebub, and all his vassals. Petty spirits may boast of'
th!ir conquests one to another, but they must all be silent
\when courtly Fastosus opens his mouth. You, Avaro, Impiator, Discordans, &c. have all of you made as great inroads upon mankind as can possibly be excected from such
unseemly spirits as you be; but as for me, you see I am a




OF DENILS.                     53
spirit of a comely deportment, and caressed by all. Indeed
many people are now a days of opinion, that a spice of rmy
nature is absolutely necessary, in order to make them respectable in the world, and prevent the injuries which otherwise might be offered to them.  Nor is there any -who can
discern the fatal consequences of being under my direction,
except, those who are enlightened from above, by him wiho
was given for a light to the Gentiles.  I lodge securely in
the secret caverns of the heart, and from thence I convey
my influence so imperceptibly through all the words of the
mouth, and actions of the lite, that you rarely meet with a
man or woman, who will own that they have the least acquaintance with me; though with many of them, the judicious beholder will easily perceive, that I am deeply concerned in all they do or say.
AVARO. Indeed I have often heard people declare, that
they never saw the devil Fastosus, nor had the least acquaintance with pride.  Yet, they said, a little spirit ounlil
to be shown, that every one might know his proper place.
But I perceive now, that pride itself is that same spirit
which they deem so necessary, notwithstanding their supposed freedom from it, and aversion to it.
FASTOSUS. The very same spirit, Avaro, though they do
not know it; for I deceive them at every turn, being capable of transforming myself into so many different shapes,
and bearing a name so suitable to each, that even when I
lord it over them with the greatest power, they remain utterly ignorant of their subjection to me.  Sometimes I assume the appearance and bear the name of my avowed enemy, Humility.  Then you will see people of fashion, or
those who think themselves such, descending lower then
their station, for no other reason than to get a good name.
At another time you may see me transformed into the likeness of Charity, and I prompt my slaves to bestow their
alms, in order to be esteemed benevolent and generous. I
have seen a man of wealth and industry, perform  such actions with this and no other view.  And he has made }his
poor belly to suffer for it many days to come, when at the
same time he had his thousands out at use. Then I takes
upon me the name of Decency, and am greatly employed
in regulating domestic affairs, descending even so low, as to
take cognizance of meat and drink, dress and company
E 2




54                    DIALOGUES
Then you may see matam extremely diligent in persuading
Miiss Prim and Miss Stiif not to be seen in the company of
those of an inferior station. Ere you are aware, I have got
the pride of good breeding; and oh! what wonders of
fashionable civilities I work, and forward the great designs
of hell. At this time you'll see my lady, who having forgotten the fashions prevailing about twenty years ago,
when she was under forty, is as careful as possible not to
deviate in the least from the customs of them who were
born since she was a wife and mother. Sometimes I bear
the name of a spirit of honor. Under this name I prevailed
in ancient Rome, and now reign over many of our European cavaliers. In this character I do great execution among
the British gods at the west end of' London, where the
greatest enormities are deemed excusable, Lut the putting
up with an affront an unpardonable evil.
AVARO. There would be nothing done, in comparison of
what there is, among mankind, if we appeared in our own
likeness, and went by our proper names: for there are thousands that love us extremely while in ds;iuise, who would
be ashamed of us, if we went by our proper names of Covetousness and Pride.  As for my part, I am fain to perform all
iy works in disguise; bearing the feigned names of Indusy, Frugality, &c. But, sir, will it please you to give me
some account how you first made your entrance good amongst
mankind.
FASTOSUS. I have already told you, that as soon as I was
born, I obtained full dominion over the adherents of Beelzebub; this taught the angels of the deep that the only way
to seduce innocent beings, was to inject my nature into them;
and that the seeds of pride being once sown, they could not
fail of most abundant fruitfulness. Man was originally created in a holy and happy estate, a perfect stranger to those
evils which now prevail over, and reign predominant in the
natural and moral world. You could not have seen so much
as one symptom of pride or covetousness, or other vice, either
in Adam or Eve, in their primitive state. They loved without unchastity, and enjoyed without uncleanliness; nor were
they in the least acquainted with the racking torments of
jealousy. No anxious thoughts, perplexing fears, nor distractino cares, disturbed their peaceful hearts. Envy, anger,
shame, and resentment, were strangers to the new-created




OF DEVILS.                        55
pair, and never set foot in paradise before my arrival there
Their sole delight was to contemplate the beneficence of
their God.
Our eagle-eyed angels, when they saw the noble deport
ment of man, soon perceived that he was of the same nature which the son of God was predestined to assume, (for
as some think, he might, out of love to the human nature,
appear occasionallv to the heavenly hosts in the form  of
man-I) for the resisting of which decree, they were damned
to the depths of ever-burning hell. The first discovery Beelzeil) l-lmade of the blessed situation in which man was create(l. filled his noble mind with such violent agitations of
ra)e, envy, malice, and pride, that his fury burst beyond all
t ot11ds. lie stamped and raged in a most tempestuous mannerl ilsolmuch that lie shook the sable firmament of hell,
andl brouhllt his confederates to inquire the cause of his anguish. A council thus convened, after the prince had a little
recovered firom the first shock of transporting rage, he related
to them what lie had discovered, concerning the inhabitants
of Eden, and asked advice of his senators, who, to a devil,
vowed speedy destruction to man.  Some demur there was
respecting the plan of their operations: for the impolitic
part of the assembly, finding the smallness of their number,
were for having man assaulted by storm: but the more sage
politicians voted for craft, as the likeliest method to seduce
theml. At last the august assembly came to this unanimous
resolution, "That the great Beelzebub should, by certain
means, by him to be devised, inspire them with my nature,
nothing doubting, but if that could be done, they would soon
declare in favor of the devil's government.
After he had well weighed every circumstance, the archapostate undertook the enterprise; but did not judge it proper to exercise force against them, knowning well that if their
resistance proved equal to their power, all his destructive
me-asures must unavoidably be broken, and the eilt; rpriise
miscarry.  Therefore, like a wise hero and consutmiate
* Some may think that this parenthesis is an impeachment of the
knowlecdle of Fastosus, supposing that himself was ignorant, whether
the Soti of God did or did not assume the form of man in his intercourse
witl the heavenly legions. But it olught to be observed, that this judi.
cious devil is relatilng transactions which were antecedent to the time
when hle professes to have been born.




56                     DIALOGUES
politician, he resolved to accomplish, by craft and subtilty,
what was not to be done by open assault; nor did he think
it advisable to address them in iiis own form, lest he should
frighten them at his first appearance, and by that means render
their seduction for ever after impracticable: but judiciously
concluded that the most promising method was, to assume
the body of one of their familiar domestic animals, which
were daily under their observation. Accordingly, after long
consultation with himself, and strictly examining the brutal
tribes, he possessed a beauteous serpent, perceiving that it
was head of the reptile world, and best fitted for converse
with man, with whom also it was more familiar than all the
beasts beside.  Thus equipped for executing the deep projected scheme, he still acted with caution becoming the most
consummate experience. He cared not to attack them both
at once, lest by any means they should see through his disauise, and he should occasion his own repulse; therefore
he craftily lurked near them, and overheard their discourse,
that he might better learn which of them was the weaker
vessel.
Being a spirit of great penetration, he soon found that the
woman was not only the weakest but the youngest; and
what greatly encouraged his hope was, that the man loved
the woman with the most tender affection, a circumstance
very painful for him to behold. Peace being now a stranger
to his own bosom, it was grievous for him to see the felicity
of the human pair.  In consequence of these discoveries, he
made no attempts upon the man; but bent all his endeavors
to seduce the woman, not doubting, but if that could be effected, the man would come of course, so strongly was he
attached to his yoke-fellow.
I would tell you the whole now, cousin, but I must go
and assist my lady Gaiety to dress; for she is to dine with
my lord Frolic to-day.  About four o'clock I'll meet you
here.




OF DEVILS.                    57
DIALOGUE V.
INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR.
FASTOSUS and Avaro had not been long gone, before I saw
Infidelis and Impiator, stalking up to the rendezvous, and as
they walked, thus conversing:
IMPIATOR. But is it possible, sir, that the papists should
ascribe an equal, if not a greater glory to the blessed virgin,
than to the Son of God.
INFIDELIS. It is not only possible, but certain; and, as a
proof of it, I shall repeat to you one of their prayers to her;
a prayer which can by no means be offensive to any of our
people. " O Mary! the star of the sea; the heaven of health;
the learned advocate of the guilty; the only hope of the
desperate; the saviour of sinners. Thou callest thyself the
handmaid of Jesus Christ, but art his lady; for right and
reason willeth that the mother be above the son. Pray him,
and command him fiom above, that he lead us to his kingdom, at the world's end." Here, you see, child, that although
he was believed by his apostles to be God over all; the papists
have found out a way to put him under the command of his
virgin mother. Not only so, but they have put him under
the command of St. Ann, reputed by them to have been his
grandmother, as may be seen in that famous prayer, approved
and authorized by the doctors of the Sorbonne, in Paris. I'll
repeat the passage, being the fourth paragraph in the prayer.
"In homage of the right and power (of mother) which you
had over your daughter, (Mary) and of grandmother over
her son, and of their (Mary's and Jesus's) submission, which
they render you."  Here you see he is supposed to submit
to his grandmother Ann, as well as to be under the governrent of his mother Mary.  I could tell you strange things,
son, about the popish religion, and I intend it ere long; but,
for the present, I would beg of you to give me some further
ac:ount of the different cantons of your devotees.  I think
they were seven in number.
IMPIATOR. I shall describe them  to you, sir.  And it
would be proper to begin with the canton of drunkards, because that is the royal canton, where I keep my court, but




58                     DIALOGUES
with your good leave, I shall defer the description of it to
the last.
INFIDEtIS. Son, your will is your law in this particular
take whatever method your thoughts suggest as best.
IMPIATOR. Then I begin with the canton of swearers
the most foolish and unaccountable set of people, upon tile
face of the earth.  This canton is divided into two provinces, both which are full of people. In the first province
dwell the false swearers, and the profane swearers in tile
second.
The province of false swearers is divided into three districts, the first of which is inhabited by knights of the post,
a set of gentry who get their living by giving evidence in
causes to which they are perfect strangers.  These knights
commonly make their court to the c-k of arr-igns, whom,
they know, is best capable of finding them employment. It
is not a great many years since, a gentleman, walking in
the sessions-house, in the Old Bailey, was accosted by one
of these knights with, "Pray, sir, do you want a witness 
Sir, I'll serve you as cheap and as well as any man."  Gardiner, bishop of Winchester, formerly was a mighty protector of this order of knights: and, at this day, our good
friend, the father of the world, his worthy inquisitors, and
not a few right reverend prelates, are head men in the district of false swearers.  Many a good Christian has been
brought to the stake, or gallows, by their assiduity, both
among papists and pagans; and more especially the former
who are far from being so honest as the latter; and not by
half so consistent.
The second district is inhabited by the mercenary swearers.  This is a race supposed to be descended from  the
knights of the post, and to be sure there is great likeness
betwixt the two. The mercenary swearers will buy a piece
of goods for five shillings, and as soon as a buyer presents
himself, tells him that, upon his life and soul, it cost him six
shillings.  When he meets with another seller of the same
commodity, in order to obtain a good pennyworth, he shows
him the goods for which he paid five shillings, and tells the
stranger, that, "As he hopes to be saved, he gave no more
than four and sixpence for it." The dealers in horses, drovers, and butchers, are singularly dexterous in this kind of
swearing   In this district, it is a prevalent opinion, t at a




OF DEVILS.                    59
man is not fit to live in the world, unless he can swear to
a lie.
The third division is inhabited by the foolish swearers, a
people the most remarkably stupid of any under the government of hell.  Some of them are so accustomed to it
from their infancy, that they do not so much as know when
they swear, and are as destitute of design in the practice
as the parrot when it scolds the chambermaid, or as many
good people when they say their prayers at church. Othe.
seem to have such a low opinion of their own probity, that
they imagine no one will believe what they say, unless
every sentence is ushered in with an oath in the van, and
confirmed by another in the rear.  Gentlemen of family,
fortune, and fashion, are stationed in this class, and are extremely dexterous here. Nor are the officers of the fleet
and army less learned, or devoid of those embellishments.
The greatest part of the English officers, indeed, marine
and military, esteem a man not fit to carry a musket, unless
he can swear a hundred oaths in a quarter of an hour, without any qualms of conscience.
The British army so far excels in this fine art, that they
can fairly curse the French off the field of battle, without
ever striking a blow: so terrified are the French at the
oaths of the English. Ay, father, I assure you, that this
heroic practice is now so prevalent among the basest of the
multitude, that I could pick you out a low-lifed boatswain,
who will vie with an admiral; and a dwarfish drummer,
who will swear with a lieutenant-general, for any money.
Yea, I could pick you out a fellow, who cannot procure whole
shoes to his feet, that yet will match any nobleman or
esquire in the land at swearing. And, sir, if honor consists
in being adapts here, the vilest pedlar may vie with the best
of the gentry, and the very footpad may challenge a peer
of the realm.  The canton of swearers is a very populous
and very honorable place. Here are dukes, knights of all
orders, marquises, and earls. And a very worshipful canton
it is too; for numbers of very respectable corporations, and
many justices of the peace reside in it.
I have often laughed to see a delinquent brought before
a magistrate, and by him be obliged to pay two shillings for
every attested oath, when the magistrate himself had no.




60                     DIALOG UES
manhood enough to maintain conversation for ten minutes,
without being  guilty of profane swearing.
INFIDELIS. Pray thee, my son, what are the qualifications
requisite to a justice of the peace in thy country?
IMPIATOR. Two qualifications, sir, only are requisite. The
first is, that the gentleman be pretty well to live in the
world, andl the second, that he shall be an obsequious tool to
administration. As to knowledge of the law, love to the
people, regard to moral principles, and all such stufi; theN
are altogether out of the question.
I was going to say, it is a very religious canton, too, because here you may find a considerable number of reverend
parsons, both Papists and Protestants. As for their oaths in
use, they are various, as the fancy of the swearers inclines
them. Some swear by heaven, others by the God of heaven;
some swear by Christ, others by his blood and wounds;
some by St. Peter, others by St. Paul; some by St. Mary,
others by her virginity; some swear by the pope, others by
his holiness, and by his infallibility; some by the life of
their sovereign; some by the life of the devil, and some by
their own lives. Some there are who swear by the church;
others by the liturgy and mass; and some, for want of a
better epithet, swear by their own eyes and limbs.
INFIDELIS. Indeed, son, these are a set of as foolish people as one would wish to meet with.  The devil himself
would not wish them to be more foolish.  One would wonder to see men of distinction, who disdain to conform to the
vulgar, in other particulars, rank themselves with gypsies
and sturdy beggars, in the most abject and unmanly practice. Sensible people, and some there are still among men
do not esteem a man the more for his acres or pension, but
for his virtue and good sense; and hence a swearing gypsy
and a swearing gentleman are held as equally dishonorable.
But no more of this; I intend not to become a moralist at
this time.
IMPIATOR. I assure you, profitable as they are to me, I
am ready to crack my sides with laughing, to see how foolishly they fight and broil, curse and damn each other, and
how ready they are to forward the devil's interest, notwithstanding it is to their own everlasting ruin.
The second canton is that of thieves; and a very flourishing canton it is, notwithstanding we every session send a




OF  DEVILS.                          61
freight over the Stygian lake,* who no more return to their
native country. This canton being very extensive, is likewise divided into several lesser cantons. The first of which
contains the gentlemen thieves. A very courtly, polite, and
fashionable set of people. Gentlemen thieves are such who
enjoy places of honor and trust, and are not careful of their
auty-to their king and country. It is observable of them,
that when they are out of place, they are the greatest enemies to corruption, and the staunchest friends to liberty in
the world. They are capable of no influence, but that of
patriotism, so long as unprovided for; but the moment their
happy stars make them placemen, they forget their patriotism, drop their enmity to venality, and seek nothing so much
as their own emolument, leaving the public to shift for itself. It is thought that not a few gentlemen thieves live
within a hundred miles of famous Tyburn; and some people farther think, it is great pity that solemn tree is not
more frequently graced with them: but in modern times it
is quite unfashionable to hang any but the little thieves.t
Those gentlemen having no principles, above ambition and
avarice, to influence them, being once in place, are capable
of being more injurious to the commonwealth, each of them,
than an hundred highwaymen; and yet Tyburn is not hon* The author has often lamented the unhappy untimely end of the
malefactors hang up every session; sometimes for things perhaps comparatively trifling, and which in themselves cannot merit so severe a
punishment. It does not appear from Scripture or reason, that common
theft should be punished with the gallows; and especially when the
matter stolen is of little value. Nor does it appear to be good policy to
deprive society of a member, who might afterwards be useful, on account of some rash and unguarded invasion of his neighbor's property.
Hang them once, and their services are for ever lost to the community.
If other methods were taken, villany would be more successfully suppressed, and the members of society spared for usefilness. The British
sewtntors must needs see, that the hanging trade does not lessen the
number of rogues, nor the untimely end of one leave suitable impressions
upon the minds of others. To be bound to hard abor for the space of
one year, would be imore terrible than to be transported for seven: and
besides, use might introduce a laborious habit, which would render stealing unnecessary. I am persuaded, that to a dissolute young man, who
hates labor, to be chained to a dung-cart, or placed in some other servile
station, would be more dreadful than Tyburn itself.
T If an ingenious mechanic should die for filing a single guinea; ai
extravagant youth be hanged, without mercy, for putting one in bodily
fear, on the highway; or a vain girl, in the prime of life, be executed for
stealing a few yards of lace, and others plunder the nation of thousands
with impunity, it shows that there must be a defect somewhere.
F




62                    DIALOGUES
ored with a gentleman thief, above once in a century, much
to the grief of real patriots.
Another class of gentlemen thieves, are our officers by sea
and land, who impose upon their king and country by false
musters: and in a very peculiar manner those who make
their own fortunes, (no matter whether in the East or West
Indies) by the fatigue of their men, who are left to remain
in their original penury.  These, together with the commissaries for the army, agents for regiments, &c. are all
stationed here.
The second subdivision is peopled by what we call the
flshionable thieves. A prodigious populous place is this.
Here dwell legions of attorneys; vermin, who, for five shillings' worth of labor, will charge their clients near the same
number of pounds; and very conscientiously take pay, for
wilfully perverting and defeating a just cause. Here you
may find gentlemen, who can procure witnesses to swear
just as you would have them, and pack a jury that can give
a clear verdict, over the belly of the most consistent evidence. Such a jury hath, ere now, saved a noble neck from
the deserved cord, through the all-subduing power of money.
To this famous division belongs the tradesman, who will
take more from an unskilful buyer, than he knows in his
conscience his goods are worth: a thing very common
among dealers. Also, the wealthy gentleman, who, in buying, will take advantage of the indigence of the seller, and
pay, if he can, less than the real worth of what he buys. This
practice is now so very near to universal, that tradesmen deal
with one another, for the most part, as if they were all known
to be rogues and cheats; and he is the best tradesman, that
can best guard against the villany of his neighbors.
Here dwells the careful tradesman, who, if a man once
owes him five pounds, would write down five pounds ten
shillings. This method is so much in vogue, that many
people dare not trust their names on the tradesmen's books.
As for my friend, Sir Roger Latepay, he has had such experience of it, that his wood is in danger. In this fashionable
division dwells the tradesman, who, conscious that his own
capital is expended, supports his luxury and grandeur at the
expense of his dealers; and many such there be in town and
country. The avaricious farmers, manufacturers and householders, who make their servants and mechanics work under




OF DEVILS.                     63
their usual wages, from the pretence of deadness of trade, &c.
The buyer, who is conscious of his present inability, and
spends without any probable view of being hereafter able to
pay, dwells in the very heart of this division; and hard by
him  dwells the father, who, to gratify a depraved taste,
squanders away his estate, to the defrauding of his wife and
children.  All of these, sir, are very fashionable people.
Tile third division is that of holy thieves. That is, men
whose theft is in holy things. By holy thieves, I mean unholy men, sustaining holy offices. Such is he, who enters
into orders, merely for the sake of a good living.  All who
climb over the wall, and come not in by the door, are thieves
and robbers. Thieves, because they steal the portion of the
priests; for, having no right to the sacerdotal function, their
participation of the altar is sacrilegious theft. Robbers, be.
cause they make havoc of the church, and deprive God's
children of the food allowed them by their heavenly father.
Here dwell shoals of popish priests, and very considerable
numbers of protestant clergy, of various denominations, as
well as the total sum  of pagan and mahometan mufties.
His holiness, the pope of Rome, is indeed president in this
division, for he steals the prerogatives of God and applies
them to his own private use.
The fourth division in the canton of thieves, are those
whom we call the sporting thieves.  Such are card-players,
cock-fighters, horse-coursers, and gamblers of all sorts.  I
know of none of my sporting subjects, but what will win if
they can, either by upright, or inequitable means. Therefore, with us it is an established maxim, that the true gambler is the certain thief. Here too you may find princes,
nobles, spiritual and temporal, and judges of every rank.
lHa! ha! ha! how have I been ready to split my sides with
laughing, to see an archbishop lay aside his mitre, and take,p a pack of cards; and the sacred judge, after naving
passed sentence on a criminal, lay aside all his solemnity,
and put on the sprightly sportsman! Then cried I, O! the
bench!! the pulpit! 0! the gambler!
The fifth division in the canton of thieves, is inhabited by
what we call fantastic thieves. A very contemptible canton this is with sensible people. Yet foolish as they are with
their nostrums, they make it appear, that there are people
more foolish than themselves; for tl ey pick the pockets of




64                   DIALOGUES
the neighboring cantons very cleverly.  Here dwell your
Daffies, Godfries, Stoughtons, Fluggers, Lowthers, Jameses,
Turlingtons, &c. Here the famous Mr. Mountebank is
president, and Mr. Andrew Archee is his deputy. In this
division nothing is heard of but pills, lozenges, troches, balsams, elixirs, drops, cordials, and the ready coin; for the
fantastical thieves can give no credit.
The sixth division consists of plain honest highwaymen.
Ionest, when compared with many of the others; for when
the thievesare about to rob a man, they very honestly tell
him their design, and stake but a few high words, and the
mouth of the pistol, against the purse and all that is in it,
which, notwithstanding the odds be greatly on the traveller's
side, the highwayman carries lightly off, with the watch
into the bargain. Whereas many of the gentlemen thieves
carry on their work so slily, that you know not their inter
tion of robbing you, until long after the robbery is committed.
O! Tyburn, Tyburn, thou hast long groaned for such men
as these!
Here too are many venerable priests, who, by pretended
pardons, dispensations, &c. play the pick-pocket to great advantage.  Much could I say about this class of veterans in
the thieving trade, were I not afraid of exciting their resentment, which would be very detrimental to my designs,
as they lead the consciences of the laity just which way
they please.
INFIDELIS. Indeed, my son, by your account of them, the
highwayman and pick-pockets are less prejudicial to society,
than many who are held to be men of great renown.
IMPIATOR. Ay, sir, a thousand times, and I can tell you
that some of the greatest names are enrolled in the annals
of this canton of thieves. There are the Grecian and Roman
heroes, almost in general, particularly great Alexander,
and Julius Caesar. There is Tamerlane, there is Kouli
Khan, there is Philip of Spain, and there is L —s of France,
who has as good an inclination to thieving as any body.
Poor gentleman! it is not half a century since he put forth
his hand to pick the pocket of George king of Britain; but
he got his fingers most wofully bitten, before he could pull
them in again. But what is bred in the bones will never be
out of the flesh; therefore, as the English did not take care
effectually to secure themselves vhen they had it in their




OF DEVILS.                    65
power, they must expect further experience of French
theft.
INFIDELIS. One would have thought that the English have
had so many instances of royal theft, from that quarter, that
they would have effectually prevented future danger from
thence. Nor are our good friends the Spaniards less inclined to the thievish practice than their neighbors. Witness Peru and Mexico, those once opulent and populous
kingdoms, which now belong to them, in the same manner
as the purse of gold belongs to the highwayman, who took
it from the gentleman whom he murdered.
IMPIATOR. Ay, sir, great thieves are abundantly more
hurtful to mankind, than thieves of a dwarfish size; though
famous Tyburn, and the places akin to it, seldom have.the
honor of ushering them into the other world.
The third canton is the liars' canton, a people with double
tongues, and of the nature of an otter, amphibious. The
great Beelzebub is grand president here, but is represented
by two famous deputies, namely, the artful Mahomet, and
the good old gentleman at Rome.  Of the two, the latter
is most in favor at court, because Beelzebub says, he is so
very much of his own image; although, it must be owned,
Mahomet bears a very great resemblance.  All the holy
fathers, my lords the inquisitors, with their assistant familiars. All the venerable patriarchs, and princely cardinals,
reside in the metropolis, near the exchange, in the principal
street, which is a strailght thoroughfare to hell. The bishops,
of both ranks, are stationed next to them, and greatly facilitate the journey of passengers. The very populous suburbs
are inhabited by the sons of St. Ignatius; than whom, none
are more excellent at the arts of lying and evasion. And
here toe are abundance of friars, of every order, who, though
less crafty than the Jesuits, are very diligent in the great
work oJ deceit.  In this country, politeness and learning
have arrived at the greatest perfection. Here are abundance
of courtiers, and statesmen, besides atheists and deists,
hirrhly esteemed by our people, for their learning and sense.
The famous court liars are like a dead fish. They always swim with the stream of power.  They are for or
against stamp-acts, and general warrants, just as the sentiments of their superiors direct. They are Protestants, or
intolerant papists, or neither, just as their prince is inclined,
F2




66                     DIALOGUES
or as their own interests require. Their consciences are
tender as a willow, and will turn any way with the appli
cation of a purse of gold, a place, a pension, or a peerage.
When it serves their low and base purposes, you will find
them  patriots; but if the good of the nation clashes with
their sinister views, you may find them  traitors either to
church or state, or to both.  Of this class were Bonner and
Gardiner, zealous Protestants in the days of Edward the
Sixth, and bloody papists in the reign of his sister of scarlet
memory. To this class also belonged Sharp, the archbishop
of St. Andrew's; for it was not conviction, but gold, that
changed his sentiments from presbytery to prelacy. All the
_rguments which my lords, the bishops of England, had adivanced, made no more impression upon him, than an arrow
would have made upon a rock of flint; but when his ma.jesty came, in a rhetorical manner, to press him home with a
heavy purse of gold, a coach and six, and a bishopric, he
was quite confounded, and had not a word to say for mother
kirk of Scotland.  Such court arguments as this, sir, stop
the mouths of many a patriot; Lord C-m  is a recent
proof of this. Such was the force of his elocution that it
could gain battles, subdue states, reverse laws, and make
placemen tremble, until he was unhappily confounded by a
place, a pension, and a peerage; and now, poor gentleman,
he has nothing left to gratify his ambition, but the melancholy reflection of what he once was.
There is another herd of court liars, (excuse the phrase,
sir, because it is the common opinion, that of all vermin,
court liars are the most detestable) who fawn like a spaniel
upon every prince that ascends the throne, in order to ingratiate themselves into his favor, thereby to make sure of
their own erolument.  If the manners of the prince are
ever so dissolute, they caress him as their most wise and
amiable monarch.  Though he were as much of a dastard
as Sardanapalus, they will persuade him that he will vie
with Hector for magnanimity. If he is a drunkard, or glutton, they will flatter him with his temperance; or represent
his luxury as a princely virtue, very becoming a royal personage; even if one half of his subjects be famishing for
want of bread.  Some of those court liars will tell their
prince, that it is no crime at all for him to enter his neighbor's territories, and murder twenty or thirty thousand of




OF DEVILS.                     67
nis subjects, though there is really no cause given on their
Dart, for the hostile invasion. Some such villians precipitated Lewis of France into a war with Britain, which would
infallibly have proved his ruin, had he not been well befriended by some people near St. James's.
A truly patriotic courtier is a strong pillar to the throne;
but court liars are the destruction of that prince whose ear
they govern.
It is my opinion, that a prince has need either to be a
very wise man himself, or to have very honest men about
him.  Happy is that nation, who has a wise and prudent
king, and at the same time honest and faithful ministers.
Earthly thrones are so infested with fawning flatterers!
that if the prince is not very well acquainted with his Bible,
it is difficult for him to know, whether he is virtuous or
vicious.
INFIDELIS. That is a book in little esteem. Great men
are for the most part too polite to trouble themselves with
its contents, because they are so unfavorable to their practices.
TMPIATOR. True, and by those means princes are the
more readily deceived.  For a mitred courtier may, perhaps, tell his prince, that it is lawful for a royal personage,
to debauch the wife or daughter of one of an inferior rank,
but unlawful for a plebeian; notwithstanding his spiritual
lordship knows very well, that when God said, "Whoremongers and adulterers I will judge," he exempted not the
prince any more than the peasant; for with him there is no
respect of persons on account of their worldly dignity.
Another right reverend courtier tells his prince, that it is
allowable enough in him, on the Sabbath, after the irksome
service is over at church, to divert himself with a quiet.
civil crame at chess, quadrille, or whatever his pious inclination leads him to; and that it may be lawful for some favorite nobility to assist at the sport; but, says he, it is utterly unlawful for the husbandman and low mechanic; though
the downy doctor knows well enough, that when the Almighty sanctified the Sabbath, it was not a part only, but
the whole Sabbath he intended.
INFIDELIS. Well, Impiator, whatever license the right
reverends allow at court, their sable brethren in the country are not less indulgent; for in most parishes in England,




68                    DIALOGUES
the people may swear or pray, get drunk or communicate,
go to church or stay at home, get to heaven or hell, just as
their inclination leads them, for any concern his reverence
the parson gives himself, provided always he is not cheated
of his dues.
IMPIATOR. I know I am well befriended by many clergymen. But to return to the prince, I assure you I have often
thought that, of all men, it is the greatest difficulty for him
to be a good man, and get safe to heaven: he has so many
about him, who are base enough to commend even his vices,
and but very few who love him well enough to correct his
errors. But if I become a moralist now, you'll suppose I
act out of character. However, though many have exhausted all their wit and good nature upon the court liars, they
are still the same, they lie as fast as ever for the sake of
money, estates, high places, &c.: therefore some people call
them mercenary liars.
But many of the inhabitants of this canton are less ambitious, and will very freely tell lies for a penny gain; amongst
those are the travelling tradesmen, who carry their shops
upon their backs. Them we call the petty dealers, and the
humble liars. But we have others more generous still, who
will give you a lie fresh from the mint, with no other view
but to raise a laugh. These we call the merry liars, because they go laughing to hell. Others we have, who stand
in the capacity of god-fathers and god-mothers, who very
roundly promise and vow to do, for the child, what they
never intend to perform. Some people call them the foolhardy liars. Next to them reside a very venerable tribe,
called by the name of reverend liars. Reverend, because
in holy orders; and liars, because they tell my lord bishop.
that they are moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon them
the office of a deacon, whereas they are moved by the hope
of a good living, not knowing that there is such a being as
the Holy Ghost; and deeming it enthusiasm to profess to be
moved by him. When once put into orders, and a benefice.
those worthy gentlemen rave against all who profess to be
influenced in their devotion, by the Holy Spirit, as fanatics,
enthusiasts, and madmen. Now, either my good friend the
parson lies to my lord bishop, or his congregation; but the
truth is, he lies to both.
The fourth canton is, that of sabbath-breakers, which is a




OF DEVILS.                     69
very populous, polite and opulent canton indeed. The far
greater part of the nobility, and other gentlemen of rank
and fortune, reside here. They are too well-bred to worship God on Sunday, in public or private.  They scorn to
suppose themselves indebted to the Almighty for life, and
breath, and all things; or to be accountable to him for the
use they make of their time, estates, and talents.  They
leave it to the low-lifed mechanics, to go to church or meeting, or when there, to be devout, and take notice of what
they are about. Let the parson talk about heaven, or hell,
or what they will, they are unconcerned, never once supposing themselves endued with immortal souls.
There is my good friend, my lord Timelagg, a nobleman
of the first distinction; he is so taken up through the week,
with contriving how to provide for himself and his creatures,
that he is in no condition to go to church on Sunday, but
chooses some convenient part of it for an airing, either in
the coach with my lady, or on horseback with his cousin,'squire Idle.  Mrs. Housekeeper also is very closely employed in preparing tea and chocolate against their return.
Mr. Steward is very busy in preparing his rent-rolls, studiously contriving how to extract an estate for himself, out of
his master's, so that he cannot go to church at any rate.
The footman, and my lady's woman must needs attend their
master and mistress; the coachman and postilion must
guide the machine; the butler and groom must be within
call, one to take care of the horses, and the other to furnish
with claret or champaign; so that the minister is very little
obliged to his lordship for finding him an auditory to preach
to.
The London tradesmen come up as near to his lordship's
example as their circumstances will admit of. Their spirits
are quite exhausted with the fatigues of weekly business;
therefore, instead of leading their families duly to church,
you may meet squadrons of them every Saturday night and
Sunday morning, going to regale themselves with a Sunday's pleasure, which consists in eating, carousing and
riding.
Then there is your sabbath-day visitors; very genteel
peopl  The tea-table gossips are much concerned here:
you may find hundreds of tables, the conversation of which
is supported at the expense of the reputation of some absent.




70                     DIALOGUES
For it must be observed that our gossips are s absolutely
destitute of innate ideas, and are such perfect strangers to
the affairs of civil life, that they cannot support conversation five minutes at a sitting, but by the help of slander.
Hence some people have said, that slander is the very soul
of conversation. And sure enough, if you pick out all the
slanderous expressions from the conversation of our gossips,
you will have but a very scanty fragment remaining.
There are others so given up to indolence, that they keep
great part of the Sabbath in bed, on a couch, or in the easy
chair. These people are so exceedingly opprest with the
weight of their own bodies that they can attend at neither
church nor chapel, although active enough the other parts
of the week: and yet they are good Christians, and hope to
go to heaven when they die. And yet they seldom think of
any thing but living for ever; in order to which they eat,
drink, and sleep away the sabbath. These go by the name
of lazy sabbath-breakers; and all who are employed the
whole morning, in preparing superfluities for dinner, live
along with them.
Another class of sabbath-breakers consists of the petty
dealers, who buy or sell commodities, for back or belly, on
the sabbath day.  We call them  the mistrustful sabbathbreakers, because they cannot trust God with their customers;
and slothful sabbath-breakers, because they do not provide
for their families, on the six days appointed for labor. England, with all its bravery, is horribly disgraced by a set of
profane people, such as grocers, chandlers, butchers, barbers
and bakers, who will not miss the taking a penny on the
sabbath, any more than another day.  Besides them, there
are tailors, mantua and shoemakers, who, with their late finishes, make great encroachments on the sabbath, and that in
the most open manner.
INFIDELIS. I thought in England, the law had made provision against such enormous breaches of the sabbath.
IMPIATOR. Yes4 the laws do indeed make provision for
the suppression of such vices: but I have the pleasure of
seeing the enforcing of those laws, very often left with people who are entirely devoted to my interest; so the laws
are frequently asleep, when I am awake and upon my rounds.
But there is another tribe against whom there is no hu




OF DEVILS.                    71
man law. I mean the thinking sabbath-breakers; a careful
industrious set of people, esteemed by all and known but to
few. They are constantly employed through the week, and
are glad of the sabbath's approach, that they may repair
their bodily fatigue, and give a free scope to their plodding
minds.  When they awake on the Sabbath mornino, they
are deeply contemplating some transactions of the past week,
or concerting measures proper to be followed in the ensuing.
Nor does the man alter his subject when he goes to church.
No, he is quite uniform.  Try him, and you will ind him
all of a piece. Let the parson choose what subject he will,
the other sticks to his text; so that it often happens when
the minister thinks his auditory is collected, and the bulk of
his parish appear at church, he is mistaken; for the greatest
part of those whom he thinks to be present, are only there
in appearance; their minds, their better part, being absent
on other occasions.
For instance, the parson sometimes thinks that he sees'squire Folly and madam his lady, in the front pew of the
right-hand gallery: but he is mistaken; for only their bodies
are there; their minds are absent. As for the'squire, he is
busy chasing the hare or fox, over all the hedges and ditches
in his manor; and his lady is mentally at this ball, or the
other assembly; or at this play or the other opera; or perhaps she is cheapening silks, at Mr. Cant's, silk-mercer, on
Ludgate-hill.
Sometimes the merchant seems to be at church: however,
he is only there in body, his soul having sailed in the good
ship Bonadventure, to buy slaves on the coast of Guinea, or
barter goods at Bengal or Malabar.  The mercer, draper,
and grocer, seem sometimes to be there; but frequently it is
an imposition: for although their bodies may indeed be present, their souls are gone on a journey, to visit their custom
ers, or left at home, in the counting-house, balancing their
books, or examining their tradesmen's bills, that they may
know with whom they can deal to the greatest advantage;
perhaps issuing forth a capias against'squire Latepay, a
gentleman well known to those dealers; or it may be, the
soul is busy, entering protests against certain extravagant
manufacturers.
As for the industrious farmer, you may well think he




72                   DIALOGUES
has something else to employ his mind, than either sermon
or prayers; for it must needs require much thought and
forecast to determine right, where to sow his wheat, where
his clover, and what land to set apart for hemp, how to dispose of his young colt, and the gray horse, who is in danger
of losing his eyes. And he, good man, hath found from long
experience, that he can contrive better at church than anywhere else; and being willing to thrive in the world, he
will let slip no opportunity proper for advantageous consideration.
But I can tell you, sir, if the people so frequently put the
cheat upon their parson, he in his turn retaliates upon them;
and many times when the congregation flatter themselves
that they see the parson in, and hear his voice from the
pulpit, they are mistaken; for it is only his body, his soul
being attending the levee of this nobleman, or the other
bishop, making his court for a fatter benefice. These, sir,
are some of the thinking sabbath-breakers.
Then there are the mad sabbath-breakers, a set of the
very dregs of humanity; and yet by some means or other
their impious practices are connived at, notwithstanding interdicted by all laws divine and human. Such are our pellet throwers in Yorkshire and Durham; our foot-ball tossers,
who are found all over the nation; our leapers, runners,
tavern-haunters, and all of every denomination, who exercise themselves in any sport on the sabbath, are stationed
along with the mad sabbath-breakers.
Last of all these are our religious sabbath-breakers, a district that is formed of party zealots and self-seekers, both
preachers and hearers. As for the former, their doctrine is
various.  One man preaches the pope, another preaches the
councils. One preaches St. Dominick, another St. Francis.
One preaches episcopacy like the great Sacheverel, another
preaches presbytery, as the only way of salvation. One
preaches up mankind in general, and another preaches his
own personal endowments in particulars; but as for preaching Jesus Christ, that is quite foreign to their purpose, and
is therefore left to be performed by others. Thus, sire, you
have had a view of the canton of sabbath-breakers.
INFIDELIS. And a noble canton it is, my son, both rich
and populous, of great service to us, and vast enlargemen




01' DEVILS.                   73
to the territories of Beelzebub. How illustrious is the throne
of great Impiator! I long to have a description of the rest
of your kingdom, but for the present I must be gone, my
son. Will you please to give me the meeting here to-mor
row morning?
IMPIATOR. I will, sir. Adieu.
DIALOGUE VI.
FASTOSUS AND AVARO.
PRIVY to the appointment betwixt Fastosus and Avaro, 1
resolved to stay their coming, and had not been long before
I saw them at a distance, walking up the valley towards
me. Arrived at the usual place of conference, Fastosus
struck twice with his rod on the earth, and instantly there
arose two thrones of the blackest ebony, one of which he
occupied himself, and the other was filled by his cousin,
Avaro. Thus enthroned, Fastosus opened the conversation,
whilst I seized my pen, and sat eager to catch the fleeting
sound.
FASTOSUS. You know, Avaro, when we parted in the
morning, I was going to assist my lady Gaiety, to dress for
her visit to my good lord Frolic. I went accordingly, and
hard work I assure you we had of it. As soon as I appeared before the toilet, I received orders to render myself invisible, and not to depart the room, that I might be in readiness to adjust the head-dress, and bosom ornaments. Yes,
madam, said I, I will give your ladyship due attendance.
WTith that I rendered myself invisible to her, but continued
visible to all other beholders. So to dressing we went.
First we ornamented the feet, which was attended with
very considerable difficulty. It cost us several tyings and
untyings before her ladyship was pleased with her own
foot. At last, having finished the feet, and my lady viewed
them several times in every position, we proceeded to other
parts of the important work. First we did and then we
undid every part of the finery. But our hardest work about
the head and bosom was, how to put one as much as possible
G




74                    DIALOGUES
out of its native form, and to expose the other so as to make
sure of attracting the eyes of beholders.  Monsieur Frisseur, who was our assistant, gave it as his opinion, that to
come up to the very zenith of the mode, it was necessary
she should bear an head as much as possible in resemblance
to a ram without horns; and Mrs. Prude, my lady's woman,
told us plainly, that Mrs. Pander, whose province it is to
establish female customs, had expressly declared, every lady
worth above one hundred a year, ought, in a full dress, to
wear her bosom quite naked. My lady is adorned with excellent hair; but it will not serve her except it bear a look
the most unnatural possible. Her skin, fair as alabaster, we
were obliged to daub with patches, the color of Beelzebub's
coat, as a token of her loyalty to the black prince of the
nether regions. But how to place these patches was a question of no ordinary concern, and hardly resolved at last
First we tried one large patch on her chin; but my lady
soon perceived, that it hid the beauteous dimple, which nature had there impressed, and therefore it was presently removed. Then we tried how the cheek would answer; but
alas! it obscured the lively rose, which is a native there,
and which my lady takes great delight to view in her glass:
on this account we exempted the cheek from the burden.
At last, after much anxiety, and very serious consideration,
it was resolved that we should fix it on the middle of her
forehead, resembling the eye of a cyclops, and put a little
one, on the left side of her chin, bearing the likeness of a
mole. However, it cost several trials with them  in both
places, ere the patches would lie agreeably to her ladyship's
fancy.
AVARO. Ah! Fastosus, if the ladies only knew how ridiculous they make themselves look in the eyes of the judicious, they would be very loth thus to deform their native
beauty. What delicate beauty! what perfect comeliness do
we see rendered disagreeable and ridiculous, by these transformations! And how can they be but disagreeable and ridiculous, when all the decorations of nature lie concealed,
and nothing appears but the manufactory of art, that great
supplanter of nature? Such ladies are certainly greatly de.
ceived by you, Fastosus; for the end proposed by all those
metamorphoses is to render themselves agreeable to the
gentlemen, whereas they produce the contrary effect. Art




OF DEVILS.                    75
can never beget love. This is nature's work alone. Art
may indeed excite lust; but nature alone begets that love
which a virtuous lady would strive to obtain. It is strange,
Fastosus, that nature has so little, and affectation such great
concern among people of fashion as at this day. Well, 1
hope you pleased her at last?
FASTrosus. Yes, yes, I hope I did; but my work did not
end with madam: for Mrs. Prude, her woman, who was
assisting' us in the equipment of her lady, and often put her
tongue into her cheek, and bit her lip, to prevent her laughing out, and when she saw her mistress's vanity, as soon as
I had done with her lady, beseeched me that I would put a
few pins into her clothes, because she was to attend her
mistress to lord Frolic's; and, notwithstanding my patience
was almost spent before, I was obliged to stay ever so long,
pinning and unpinning her; for Mrs. Prude affected the fine
gentlewoman, almost as much as her mistress.
But what vexed me worse than all the rest was, just as 1
got to the bottom of the stairs, to make my escape, the cook
maid caught me in her greasy arms, and begged me to assist her to dress herself in her half-holiday clothes, as her
sweetheart was to take the advantage of her lady's absence
to come and visit her. I could not deny the girl, because I
thought she really had need of considerable amendment, before she presented herself to her lover. So after we had
pinned and unpinned a considerable time, I burst through
the casement, to avoid the importunity of the laundry and
chamber maids, whom I saw coming. Thus I gave them
the slip; for those ladies and their female attendants, would
drudge any devil in hell off his feet, might they have their
own way. But I am right glad that I am come hither from
among them.
AVARO. Then, sir, I perceive with all your greatness, you
have no objections to assisting a waiting woman or a cookmaid occasionally.
FASTOSUS. No objection at all, cousin. The soul of a
waiting woman will fill a vacancy in hell, as well as that
of her lady. The difference is this; the lady of honor is capable of drawing more to hell along with her, than her
waitin( woman can; therefore I choose to make sure of the
mistress, and for the most part the maid comes along by her
example. But as soon as we get them safely inclosed with



76                    DIALOGUES
ID our flaming prison, we let them see we are no respecters
of persons; for the mistress and her maids, my lord and his
valet, the'squire and his groom, have all the same apartment allotted to them, feed all at the same table, drink of
the same cup, and are served by the same devil, whom they
never find to be sparing of his liquor; but to serve thm
plenteously, though much contrary to their inclinations.
AVARO. That doctrine you unpreach when you attend
upon them, Fastosus.  You wisely keep your thumb upon
that. And indeed it is well so to do; for comely as your
appearance is, they would discard you else. Serious thoughts
of futurity would spoil all our sport, uncle.
FASTOSUS. Indeed, Avaro, I am not such an half-wit as
to tell my lord, that his riches and grandeur, if not duly improved, will sink him lower in the bottomless abyss than
the rustic plebeian; nor am I such an inconsiderate devil,
as to tell him that his hunting, hawking, horse-coursing,
cock-fighting, card-playing, drinking, swearing, whoring,
&c. are the broad way to never-ending torment. Neither
do I foolishly tell my lady, that balls, assemblies, plays, &c.
are the rosy paths which lead most infallibly to ruin. No,
no, let me alone for that; I warrant me I can keep my
counsel well enough; and as for them they will find all out
at last, without any instruction.
AVARO. If I remember right, Fastosus, when we parted
last, you were relating the manner in which you made your
entrance good amongst men. I should be glad, sir, if you
will be so obliging as to finish that account.
FASTOSUS. I purpose it, Avaro. You may remember I
told you that great Beelzebub, having discovered the woman
to be the weaker vessel, he made no attempts upon the virtue of the man, but resolved, by all means, to seduce the
woman; not doubting but she would bring over her husband
to our interest along with her.  It happened one night that
Adam had a dream, ominous of our conquest, which made
him very fearful, lest any part of his, or his wife's conduct,
should promote the dire event; therefore he reasoned with
her, concerning their duty to their Creator, gave her the
strictest charge to keep out of the way of temptation, and
withal informed her, that he was not without his fears, even
upon her account.  But she, for her part, just as the devil
would have it, resolved to separate herself from her hus




OF DEX ILS.                    77
band that day, which she had never done before. Whether
she thought to endear herself more to him, by letting him
see how well she would resist temptation, if any should of'
fer, or took it rather ill to be under his tutorage, I pretend
not to say; but, maugre all his entreaties, she would go
fbrth, by herself, into a distant walk, to gather some delicious berries, for an innocent repast for her and her lord, at
noon.
This was an opportunity just to Beelzebub's wish, and he
took care to improve it to advantage. I told you before, that
previous to this, he had possessed the body of a beautiful
snake, in those days man's familiar domestic; and now finding Eve at a distance from her husband, the serpent discovered himself to her, and with more than animal gestures
attracted her eye. Captivated with its unusual motion, she
stood ravished with its beauties, and admiring its agility.
As it drew near to her, she put forth her gentle hand, stroked
its skin, and the subtle animal, after its manner, returned
the compliment, by laying its shining head on her lap. Their
station was near to the tree of knowledge of good and evil,
upon which the forbidden fruit luxuriantly hung.  To this
tree the serpent frequently looked, with all the languishment of ardent desire, until once he made sure that the woman observed it. " Lie still, thou pretty creature, said she,
(stroking it,) what makes thee look so earnestly at that prohibited fruit"' "Ah! thou fair goddess, returned the serpent, I have good reason to admire the sovereign virtue of
that delicious tree: for I was created only in a brutal station, without consciousness of mind, or the use of my tongue;
until, being on my thoughtless ramble yesterday, I chanced
to espy this amazing tree, whose fruit hangs in such luxuriance.  After a short pause, such as a brute may be capable of; I climbed up the tree, and began to feast on the mos!
delicious fruit that ever was eaten.  Joyful at my happy
t:lte, I soon became sensible of a self-conscious mind, capable of discerning between good and evil. Soon my tongue,
whlich before cleaved to the roof of my mouth, was untied,
and I could express sentiments of joy in the most rational
manner.  And now, when I met with you, I was going to
renew my repast on the fruit of that sovereign tree."
AVARO. Oh, Fastosus! The most subtle scheme that ever
G2




78                   DIALOGUES
was heard of! WVell. this may be spoken to the honor of
Beelzebub, when I am dead and gone.
FASTOSUS. Well, but Satan did not then know of the
happy consequences that have since arisen from this affair,
to some part of the human race. However, having laid his
snare with all the subtilty he was master of, he thought it
well to assault the pure mind of Eve with unbelief.*  lie
asked her, if the reason why she was so divinely beautiful,
was not her feeding often upon the fruit of that so sovereign
a tree! The woman answered, "No, we have never so
much as once tasted of it, but invariably observed the command of our Creator, who hath put us into this garden, and
said unto us, Of every tree of the garden ye may freely
eat, but the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and
evil, ye may not eat; for in the day ye eat thereof ye
shall surely die."  To whom the serpent. "Indeed! Did
he really say so? Are you not mistaken, think you! Die
too! Why am not I dead then, I who have eaten of it so
plenteously  No, no, you shall not die.  That is only an
empty threatening, to keep you in subjection to him; for he
very well knows, that the moment you eat thereof, you shall
be like himself, knowing good and evil; no longer be man
and woman, but become gods."
The woman replied, "Ay, but my pretty creature, how
shall I know that I shall be a goddess, if I should venture
to eat of that desirable fruit " "Know! said the serpent;
you may easily know it, if you consider that, if I, who was
created only a brute beast, am by eating the fruit of this
tree, exalted to humanity, you, who are more than half a
God already, shall certainly, by so doing, be exalted to real
divinity."  With these words he injected into her bosom
some seeds of my nature, which fermented to that degree,
that nothing would now serve her turn but to be deified.
Sagacious Beelzebub, perceiving the uproar I had made in
her mind, introduced all the train of real vices, which now
infect the human species; subjected her wholly to his sway;
and she, as his instrument, could have no rest until she got
her husband's neck also fast in Beelzebub's yoke.
Thus was pride first introduced into the terrene creation;
and thus was man subjected to my powerful sway. Being
* See. 38.




OF DEVILS.                     79
b MIht forth in the heart of man, I arrived instantly at full
g Wth; involved them in sorrow; enveloped them in blindness and ignorance; and instead of that happiness and dignity which Beelzebub had promised them, of becoming gods,
I brought forth in them trusty Shame, the elder born of my
earthly family, and he, as a spirit of great power, made
Adam and Eve fly to a thicket, to hide themselves from tte
presence of an offended God. Instead of becoming gods, I
transformed them into the image and likeness of father
Beelzebub, in which image they begat and brought fbrth
their children.  It was now that I begat the lovely Discordans; to us the more lovely because he is anthnatural.
No sooner was he born, but he sounded a trumpet, and cried,
" To arms! to arms!" Then you might have seen the rhinoceros and elephant, the eagle and dragon, the lion, panther,
and wolf, appear in all the fury of martial spirit, and proclaim an eternal war against one another: nor were Adam
and Eve exempted from domestic uneasiness themselves.
AvARo. All this worked just as the devil would have it;
and greatly enlarged the territories of hell, by annexing
earth to the infernal crown. Well, uncle, I perceive, by
your account, that you are the father of sin, in the mind of
both angels and men.
FASTOSUS. True, Avaro, I am; and so well is my power
established, that I am the very last that shall be subdued,
and rooted out of the hearts, even of those that hate me,
and who at last shall be delivered from my yoke. This is
true, cousin, whether you believe it or not; and I assure
you, that I have the pleasure of giving many a painful heartpang, even to those who curse my name and nature. But
to my story, cousin. I manifested my powerful sway over
man, in the case of my faithful servant Cain; not only in
his bloody revenge against his brother Abel, who had revolted from our government, but in making him despair under his punishment.
I triumphed gloriously over the inhabitants of the antediluvian world, who, for my sake, scorned to submit to the
commandments of God, resolving to be guided by the
thoughts of their own hearts, all of which were inspired
by me; therefore every thought and imagination of the
heart was only evil continually. I wrought them up to such
a degree of rebellion, that the Almighty resolved to beal




80                    DIALOGUES
with them no longer, but to sweep them away with the lie
som of destruction; yet he would not do it without giving
them proper warning, and calling them to repentance and
reformation.  One Noah, a famous preacher of righteousness, was the instrument raised up, on this occasion; and to
be sure the man preached faithfully and fervently: but I
had the pleasure of hardening the people's hearts to that
degree, that he met with nothing but abuse for his pains.
Every body accounted him to be a frantic enthusiast, fanatic,
or Methodist; until the divine patience was quite worn out,
and their destruction came upon them by a deluge, which
swept them all from the face of the earth, except this same
Noah arid his family; and for my part I do not remember
a time, on which hell had so many visitants at once as then.
AVARO. But how could Noah and his family be saved,
when the deluge came upon all the earth?
FASTosus. Why, Avaro, it was by the help of a ship,
which he was taught to build. For this same Noah was the
first ship-carpenter in the world; and although a prince, he
was not above laboring with his hands. But it galls me to
think how the Almnihty mixes mercy with judgment; for
in this destruction, which he brought upon the old world,
he taught the new world the most necessary and useful art
of navigation, by means of which he will spread the knowledge of himself over all the earth.
After this I set up my lofty standard on the plains of
Shinar. Multitudes flocked to it, and became my humble
servants. It was now I projected a scheme of erecting a
tower, equal in altitude to Jacob's ladder. Two special advantages, I alleged to them, would accrue from it when finished. The first, to perpetuate their name to the latest posterity.  The second and greatest advantage would be, that
thereby they might bid defiance to the Almighty.  Such
provision being made for their safety, that, on the first appearances of judgment begun, they might retire to the
tower, where the waters could not follow them. But here,
you may observe, I played the devil with the children of
men; for although I flattered them with such advantages, I
believed in my heart that such a presumptuous, daring undertakin(, would have provoked the Almighty utterly to
have destroyed them root and branch. And, indeed, at one
time I thought I'id gained my point; for he did come down




OF DEVILS.                    81
ani confound their language, in such a manner that the
great design miscarried. It was diverting to hear the brickTayer call for mortar, and, Lo! a box of brick was brought
him. Another calls for bricks, and the server runs for a
board of mortar. One calls out for a level, and he receives
a plumb-line. Another asks for a square, and a level is brought
him. The bricklayers, provoked to see themselves mocked
by their servants, not as yet knowing their language to be
confounded, began to lay their resentment ipon the bones
of their laborers; and the laborers, considering themselves
as very ill used, returned the abuse upon the builders; and
thus they quarrelled and bickered, until they were fain to
leave off the work, and betake themselves to other employments.
But, alas! cousin, in this affair the devil was outwitted;
for we all thought that this haughty attempt would have
provoked God utterly to destroy them. But he made use
of our project only to send them abroad to people the earth,
the more widely to make his glories known. And to the
deep mortification of all our black fraternity, especially
father Beelzebub, upon the ruins of the tower was written,
in everlasting characters, the following motto: "Here the
devil overshot himself"  But this was a trifling disappointment in comparison of many others, some of which I may
perhaps give you an account of.
Wherever the sons of Noah went, I went along with
them; and not a great number of years had the earth been
dry, before I persuaded them to forge, found, and carve to
themselves objects of religious adoration, more agreeable to
their fancy, than the God who made them. And by this
means it was, that pagan idolatry was introduced, which,
strictly speaking, is the religion of pride alone; even as the
present Roman Catholic religion is that of pride and covetousness.
I will tell you strange things, of my government, Avaro,
at a time convenient; but as we were coming along, you
mentioned somewhat about the clergy of France.  Pray,
what of them, cousin 3
AVARO. I have often, sir, made honorable mention of the
dutiful disposition of my dear children, the French parsons.
But I had, some years ago, occasion to try an experiment,
which greatly quickened their devotion, and clothed the




82                   DIALOGUES
face of all the country with poignant sorrow. By they un.
wearied pursuit of the interest of the church, that is tc say,
by their coaxing, wheedling, and threatening of people, out
of their goods and chattels, for the benefit of the clergy, they
were grown so fat and purse-proud, they were not able to
say half of the masses they were paid for, nor to attend
upon the duties of their pretended devotion; which, persist.
ing in, they themselves would have contributed to the opening of people's eyes to discover the cheat.
I imagined that nothing could be more suitable, thant
physic, to purge off some of their grossness. I went straight
to Versailles, demanded an interview with the most Christian Louis, and accordingly was introduced by one of the
lords of his bed-chamber. As soon as he had done me
greeting after the royal manner, proportionable to his very
great esteem for me, I opened the conversation in the following manner: " My royal friend, said I, perceiving that you
have been ransacking the world lately, in quest of gold, to
supply your pressing and growing wants, I am come to inform you where you may meet with store of moidores, yea,
treasures in abundance, without travelling out of your own
dominions." "Is it possible? said he. I pray thee, lovely
spirit, where are the golden heaps to be found?" I replied,
"The clergy, the clergy, sir, are so overgrown in riches,
that they are hardly able to say an hospitable mass for the
dead, or even to go about to cheat and defraud people out of
their money and souls as heretofore." " Ungrateful villains,
said he, to hoard up their money to lie by them useless, when
I, their king, am just at the point of becoming bankrupt. I
will ease them of their burden, I warrant you. I will let
them for once know, that they have another master besides
the pope, and leave it to them to replace their stores the
nearest way they can."  I was not afraid but my scheme
would work to my mind; for I took him at the very nick of
time, when the king of England had emptied his coffers, by
destroying his naval force and trade; and, poor gentleman,
he knew not well how to fill them again.
Glad of such an opportunity, he assembled the heads of
the clergy, and demanded of them an exorbitant sum, in the
way of a free gift. A very genteel way of robbing the
church indeed! The holy gownsmen, like dear children of
their good Avaro, showed themselves as tenacious of their




OF DEVILS.                    83
gold as the paw of a lion is ot its prey. Thoy used every
argument which priestly subtilty could invent; they lugged
in both heaven and earth as protectors of their property.
Yea, they even told him that to command them to part with
their money, was no less than robbing the Almighty; just
as if the Almighty and them were partners in the trade of
oriestcraft.  But clergymen have the advantage of all
princes, in that their cause is always the cause of God; although God has, in reality, nothing to do with them or it.
They held both with teeth and hands, rather than generously
to assist their sovereign, though now become almost insolvent. But you know the proverb, "The weaker goes to
the wall."  And so it was with them. He, being strongei
than they, prevailed; and, although their money came from
their coffers like blood from their hearts, they were obliged
to comply. But I can assure you, the parting with it cost
them more real distress of soul, than ever the selling of their
consciences to obtain it had done. The sorrow of the priests
is, for the most part, a farce; but their sorrow on this occasion, was deep and unfeigned.
*It was not a great while after, that moidores failed a second time, and other resources being drained, he again had
recourse to the sons of the clergy; and did by them as they
commonly do by the laity. I mean, their money being gone;
he was content with stripping them of their plate; so that
were you now to see the cabinet of a French priest, you
would find it as empty of plate as Glaud the shepherd's
pantry. And I am of opinion that Louis, having once found
the way to their nest, he will take care they be no more
overgrown in riches.  But to repair their late losses, they
can now look out for a prey, with as much penetration as an
eagle, and are as rapid as a panther in seizing on it.
FASTOSUS. It is my opinion, cousin, that, if princes were
to take care that the church should not become too rich,
there would not be so many religions as there are. But
who would not be a priest or a nun, when they may roil
amidst the blessings of both worlds, and under the pretence
of religious retirement, enjoy every thing grateful to the
flesh, in the greatest luxuriance, without any labor or toil
of their own  I assure you, cousin, if I were not a devil, 1
would choose to be a priest myself.
AVARO. Being a priest is not such a great privilege now




84                    DIALOGUES
as it has been; though it is still preferable to any trade or
the lay kind. The expulsion of the Jesuits has been very
injurious to priestcraft. The church is sure to thrive in the
reign of a prince, who is under the direction of a jesuitical
confessor; and the priesthood will always find in him a
powerful protector. But I fear much that the princes of
Europe, from their late advances, will at last throw off the
yoke of ecclesiastical tyranny.
FASTOSUS. In fact, cousin, it is not a little strange, that
thev have not done it ere now. Nothing can be more
preposterous, than for a prince who hath sovereign sway
over extensive dominions, to be under the control of an arrogant priest, as if it were by him that kings reign and princes
decree judgment; or as if he were the prince of the kings
of the earth.
However, cousin, you forget that it is time for us to go
on our nocturnal circuits. Mine is very extensive; I must,
therefore, bid you adieu. To-morrow morning let us meet
here.
DIALOGUE VII.
INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR.
FROM what I had heard and seen, you may think I took
care not to be too late, in attending the sable gentry in Horrida Vallis, where I was hid before any of them arrived, and
prepared for taking down their discourse; the first of which,
that I heard, was by Infidelis to Impiator.
LFIDELIS. How illustrious is thy throne! How extensive
are thy dominions! Oh, great Impiator, my son! Before you,
the greatest grandees of the earth do bow. Will you please,
my son, to finish your account of the remaining part of your
territories 
IMPIATOR. I will, sir. And you may observe that the fifth
canton is that of the adulterers and fornicators. These are
divided into literal and mystical. The class of literal adulterers and fornicators are so fashionable and notorious a people, that a description of them seems unnecessary; and so
very disagreeable, that it would be offensive to you. I shall




OF DEVILS.                    8b
therefore do no more than describe their dwelling, and assure you, sire, that every individual of them is a very humble servant to your son Impiator.  Their dwelling is on the
banks of a river, the source of which is in the court, which
runs through every part of the king's dominions, carrying
the inhabitants along with it; and at last disembogues itself
into hell, where all adulterers and fornicators shall infallibly
be tormented, as a proper counterbalance for their fleshly
pleasures; where, instead of women, they shall have devils;
instead of wine, the sulphurous liquid; and instead of beds
of down, the boisterous billows of Phlegethon.
Next to them are the mystical adulterers and fornicators.
By whom I mean all that have any commerce with the whore
of Rome, that old bawd with the scarlet gown: or, in other
words, all who have the mark of the beast, either on their
foreheads, or their right hands, and such who have this mark
upon both.
By those who have the mark of the beast upon their foreheads, I mean the worthy preachers and hearers of the Armenian doctrine of the church of Rome; as also the straithooped gentlemen, who believe with the charitable Italians,
that there can be no true faith but that which they profess,
nor salvation but in their community. The far greater part
of the clergy belong to the former, and the good Sandemanians belong to the latter class of doctrinal priests, or mystical adulterers.
By those who have the mark of the beast upon their right
hand, I mean the practical papists, the whole bulk of the
holy Catholic church; and besides them, all that do the works
of the beast, after the example of that orthodox church. By
the works of the beast some understand every part of religion, which is not founded upon scripture institution. Such,
say they, are consecrating of churches, and baptizing of bells;
dedication of meeting-houses to certain saints or angels, as
the patrons of parishes; the worshipping of saints and angels,
by celebrating an annual festival in honor of their name;
such are your observers of high festivals, abstinences from
meat at certain seasons of the year; worshipping towards the
east, as if God were not everywhere present; bowing at the
name of Jesus, as if it was more august than that of Jehovah, &c.  Such, sir, with many more whom I might name,
are the mystical adulterers and fornicators
H




86                    DIALOGUES
INFIDELIS. Ay, but my son, you have not told me which
are the fornicators, and which the adulterers. I want to
hear that; for the one is usually distinguished from the other.
IMPIATOR. Yes, sir, they are distinguishable enough; for
the practical professed papists, who profess not the least degree of relation to Jesus Christ, as the head of the Christian
church; but own themselves to be the adorers of the whore,
who sits on many waters. are held to be the fornicators;
whereas nominal Protestants profess themselves married to
Jesus Christ, as the great head of the Christian church, and
notwithstanding this pretended marriage with him, maintain
a doctrinal commerce with the whore of Rome; on which
account they are to be held as the adulterers.
The sixth canton is the murderers' habitation, which is
divided into two grand divisions. In the first are murderers
of others. These are subdivided into petty cantons. In the
first of which live the mental murderers, just upon the frontiers of the country. They are a people who, without just
cause, are angry with their neighbors. This lambent flame
they inwardly cherish, until revenge is begotten along with
hatred, envy, and malice.  With them, therefore, nothing
is wanting but opportunity to destroy the reputation and life
of the object of their hatred, with safety to themselves; but
very often it happens that their hatred and revenge destroy
their subjects ere they have an opportunity of avenging themselves. The verbal murderers live next to them, in a very
spacious country, because they are very numerous. By the
verbal murderers I mean those who withhold from the character of others the good which they do deserve, and speak
of them the evil which they do not deserve, or even the evil
which they do deserve, in a way in which they would not
wish others to speak of themselves, in like circumstance. I
attend, for my part, in many companies, where the conversation cannot possibly be supported for a quarter of an hour
but at the expense of some absent acquaintance.  And so
fashionable is this in polite life, that it is become a proverb,
" ThaL scandal is the very life and soul of conversation."
To this petty canton belong all talebe:ers, backbiters, rail*
ers, evil surmisers, and particularly the very obliging gentry,
who tack but to the end of all their encomiums on others'
as, " He is a good sort of a gentleman, but-" or, " She is an
agreeable lady enough, but-" where you may observe that




OF DEVILS.                     87
little unintelligible word but, stabs the gentleman and lady's
reputation through and through.
Having passed through this, you come into the country
of those who murder with their looks. In this country you
may see an eye to curse a man to hell and damnation, and
an eyebrow call a man a scoundrel, and knock him down
The Rev. Mr. Adam Gib, primate of the associate synod in
Scotland, has lately had his heart wounded so deeply, by the
looks of some of his elders, that it is thought he cannot recover the stroke as long as he lives: but, for the good of the
public, he hath prosecuted them before the presbytery, who,
without inquiring into facts, sentenced the reputation of the
irreverend elders to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, to the
great consolation of the pious sufferer. As soon as you get
out of this country, you come,
Fourthly, into a very extensive plain, inhabited by what
may be called domestic murderers; a set of beings who murder without impunity, no suitable laws being provided against
them.
Here dwells the parent, who spends wastefully what
should regularly support his family, so that his children are
brought up in the most dissolute and irreligious manner, as
a preparative to the most vicious practices: hence, whether
the children prove virtuous or vicious, strict equity accounts the profuse and careless parent the murderer. Near
to those murderous parents lives the lascivious husband, who
estrangeth himself from his lawful consort, and frequenteth
the company of lewd women. Many you may find here,
who, as the very worst of felons, rob their wives and children of their legal property, to support the most infamous
strumpets, who, like the horseleech, are continually saying,
Give, give. Such men are sure to find the truth of that saying, " A whore is a deep ditch."  Here it is a very common
thing to see the most virtuous women, so ill used by their
murderous husbands, that they languish and grieve under
their affliction, until at last they die of a broken heart. No
assassin ever better deserved the gallows, than such husbands; for no assassin ever put the person whom he murdered to equal torture. The very same may be said of the
lascivious strumpet, of high or low degree, who is false to
her husband.




S8                     DIALOGUES
Among domestic murderers live the parents, who, for the
sak'3 of an agreeable settlement, oblige their children to
marry with persons, whom they cannot possibly love. This
lays a sure foundation for certain murder, and brings the
party to the grave in the most distressing manner.
But if covetous parents would only consider, that a compelled marriage is worse than a poisoned dagger plunged
into the bosom of their offspring, they would certainly have
more compassion than to persist in the iniquitous measure.
Here likewise live those, who restrain their children from
marrying the objects of their choice, merely because there
is a deficiency of a few hundreds, or thousands, in the fortune. Parents who can relish nothing but money, and have
a wrong notion of honor, make no scruple of conscience, to
render their children miserable all their days, rather than
suffer them to marry a degree and a half below themselves.
It is very strange, that the laws of nations should make no
provision against this murder; and stranger still, that those
of Britain countenance and encourage it.
However, marriages are seldom happy, where the affections are not joined, prior to the matrimonial ceremony.
Money may unite the persons, but it cannot unite the affections, as appears in numberless instances: of which disconsolate, dull, and heavy husbands, broken-hearted wives,
frequent divorces, elopements, domestic quarrels, and divided families, the natural effect of forced marriages, are
evidences.
There is yet another species of domestic murderers, connived at by the law. They are such who not only train up
their children in idleness, but in luxury and wantonness.
]y these means their spendthrift sons, if of high birth, are
i tted to become robbers of the nation, when their own fortunes are spent; and if of middle life, they are fitted for the
lhighway, and consequently for the halter. Nor is this method
of training up less fatal in its influence on the female sex;
for it prepares them for the stews, or the suburbs of the
stews, where gentlemen's courtesans dwell, perhaps for theft
and then for the gallows.  Idleness and luxury are as rank
poison to the reind, as arsenic is to the body. Many people,
indeed, lament the young gentleman's unhappy fate, when
he is going to Tyburn; but very few censure his parents,
as the first cause of his untimely end, by the manner in




OF DEVILS.                     89
which they brought him up.  This is some comfort to us,
however, that though such domestic murderers act with impunity from man, the law of God will take slth notice of
them as to bring them to hell, if their crimes are not repented of. To be sure it would be more agreeable to us, to see
them  enter hell by way of Tyburn: but the devil cannot
always have his will.
Another sort are very careful to preserve the bodies of
their children, by providing diligently for them  the necessaries and conveniences of life; as they grow up, are eery
careful to preserve them from the highway and the stews,
by putting into their hands a business by which to obtain a
comfortable livelihood; and, after all, prove the murderers
of their children. For, on the one hand, they restrain them
not from bad company, which leads to destruction; company
that corrupts the principles, vitiates the conduct, and leads
into bad practices, such as sabbath-breaking, gaming, lyinr,
swearing, &c.  Nor on the other hand, do they take any
pains to cultivate their infant minds, further than to know
how, when, and to whom, they should make a genteel bow,
and courtesy, and how to express the modish compliments
in a graceful manner.  They never once deem  it necessary to instil into their minds an early sense of religion and
virtue.
Many parents, if their children learn a little polite behavior, do not much care whether they read the Bible at all.
In this country too dwell duellers, boxers, boasters, anl
provokers; all the bands of assassins, and intriguers against
men's lives. Itis hoary holiness is captain general of this
band, and his cardinals and inquisitors are next to him  in
hon r.  Here dwell persecutors, of every name, popish,
episcopal or presbyterian; all who impose religion on men's
consciences by the power of the sword.
The second division is that of self-murderers; and I assure you, sir, this is a very populous place, more crowded
Jhan the former.  Here dwell gluttons, drunkards, and intemperate persons in general; for there are more who eat
and drink themselves to death, than the fever, the consumption, and the sword destroy. Idle, lazy, and slothful persons,
live here, under the character of second-hand murderers;
their idle habits introducing diseases of the most fatal nature. The immoderately careful, also, kill themselves with
H 2




0S                     DIALOGUES
mere anxiety. In the next town the envious are stationed,
those who are as mortally wounded, by the prosperity of
their neighbor, as any man can be by a dagger.  In the
suburbs live those whom we call the impatient; for trouble
is not so very deathly as impatience under it. Over the
bridge live the ambitious, a people of lofty views, who
crack their heart-strings by climbing. In the neighborhood
of the latter live the lascivious, who kill themselves by little
and little, and parboil their flesh ere they present it to the
worms.  I might add to this list a prodigious number besides, known among us by the name of soul-murderers.
But as I was never remarkable fbr knowledge in casuistical
divinity, I shall leave this to others, and proceed to,
The seventh and royal canton of drunkards; which is divided into two very grand divisions, the first of which is
inhabited by the sot, and the second by merry companions.
The soaking sots are a well-seasoned race, who seem as if
some of their ancestors had been of the bristly kind. They
are a swinish set of people, always grunting, but when their
lips are in the cup; unless it may be that the calf mounts
them in the morning, and rides them until half past two,
then dismounts just in the middle of dinner, and the eager
swain vaults into the saddle, and rides them until they are
lame.  The ensign of the sots' division is a long tobaccopipe, and greasy fore-breasts of a coat; and if any man have
business with them, he would do well to wait on them in
the morning, before the calf dismounts; for after that they
can do nothing but grunt, until sleep dismounts the pig
again.  Thus they are ridden alternately by the calf and
the pig.  The sots drink merely for the sake of liquor; and
in process of time their blood becomes so inflamed, that
they carry the arms of their company upon their faces,
which are dyed into a kind of bastard scarlet color, and
grow as rough as the skin of a shark, with preternatural
pimples.
The second division is that of merry companions, or, according to men of learning, good-fellows. They abhor the
name, yet love the practice of drunkards. You could not
affront them worse, than by telling them  they are in love
with the landlady, for the sake of her liquor. Were you to
ask them  their reasons for frequenting the tavern, they
would soon tell you, that it is not for any love they have tG




OF DEVILS.                    91
the lnluor, but they go there merely for the sake of good
company.  By the way, sire, they go to the wrong place to
seek for it; for no good company haunts taverns and alehouses.  Good company is most likely to be found in good
places; but taverns and ale-houses are quite of another
cast, being public portals, through which many pass to the
nether regions. Yea, such a good opinion has Beelzebub
conceived of them, that many of the landladies, and their
daughters, are appointed his factors and agents upon earth.
It is the practice of merry companions to meet at the
tavern, or some other place of public resort, as many eveninm's in the week as business will admit of, to read and expound the newspapers, give their opinion of the proceedings
of the ministry, of commercial transactions, or to comment.ii the operations of war. Sometimes they meet to play
what they call a civil game of cards, backgammon, &c. or
it may be to reproach some neighboring Presbyterian parson for his affected sanctity: for you must know, that they
not only hate sanctity itself, but its very appearance. Often
you may hear them deride the fanatic, for what they call
his narrow and bigoted spirit, and, at the same time, ap
plaud the reverend Mr. Liveloose, for an affable, free, and
generous soul. Many of those merry companions, who will
by no means bear the name of drunkard, I can pick you out,
who will drink a bottle or two at a sitting, and go home betwixt one and two in the morning, with eyes as fierce as
those of an hyena.
In short, sir, if you were to go through my canton of
drunkards, when our men are all at work, you would hear
d great noise as if Vulcan with his cyclops were there,
hammering thunderbolts for Jupiter.  And would certainly
imagine, that hell had burst its belly, and poured out its entrails amongst us, on account of the hideous cursing, swearing, damning, singing, scolding and bawling, tearing and
fighting, boasting, lying, cheating, and unclean words, looks,
and gestures, which there abound. This, sir, is the royal
canton, out of which I choose all my principal men; which
you must own to be sound policy; for if ever I can get a
man to become a drunkard, I can cause him to commit
what wickedness I please; and 1 must tell you, that this
canton is inhabited by men of all ranks, occupations, and
persuasions.




92                     DIALOGUES
Thus, reverend father, I have given you a brief account
of my dominions; but if you were to pass through the several cantons, and see them all yourself, you would say, that
the hundredth part has not been told you.
INFIDELIS. Oh, my child! my dear Impiator, how my
aged heart is filled with joy, on hearing your pleasing story! Illustrious indeed is the kingdom of Profanity! You
honor me, my son! Your success does great honor to the
name of Infidelis. But, I pray, do you know any thing of a
set of people whom  they call Nazarenes  They are the
only people in the world who have cast off my yoke. Oh!
how it would rejoice me to hear that your craftiness had engaged them in your service!
IMPIATOR. I know them very well. A small body of despised, precise creatures, hated by all the world. I assure
you, sir, I have done all that lies in my power to bring them
under our dominion. But mortified I am to tell you, that I
have never been able to conquer one of them.  Imnanuel
hath published very strict laws in his kingdom, absolutely
prohibiting his subjects from touching, tasting, or handling
any thing that belongs to us, or so much as visiting our
cantons; and they are so firmly attached to his government,
that it is with the greatest difficulty, now and then, we get
one of them down into our mines. But when such a thing
does happen, my subjects have a good day of feasting and
mirth; send gifts to one another, of such things as they
have; and the shouts of' joy, " So we would have it," may
he heard in all the cantons of our dominions.
For instance, it happened once that Noah, who was, in
the main, an utter enemy to our government, was induced
to make a visit to the drunkard's country, which caused
much gladness through all the land.  The triumphal flag
was displayed upon the tents of Ham, wherever the news
was spread; and every man reported to his neighbor, saying, "Behold, he is become like one of us."  At the same
time, the confederates of Shemr covered themselves with
sackcloth, put ashes on their heads, exchanged their pleasant songs for lamentations, mourning, and woe; until the
patriarch was safely returned to his own country again.
It happened also, oni a certain time, that I was happy
enough to inveigle David the great, within the borders of
the adulterers' canton; who, to cover the infamy of such an




OF DEVILS.                    93
expedition, rushed, with violent precipitation, into the very
heart of the canton of murderers.  The monarch's arrival
was soon proclaimed among all the murderers and adulterers, who made a grand entertainment on the occasion, and
invited the blasphemers to partake with them. Oh! Infidelis, if you were there, certainly you would have tired
your sides with laughing, to see how they footed the treble
dance, whilst the music played, "The best of them are as
bad as ourselves." And all joined together in this chorus —
"What we do in public, they do in private,
The difference is only in show."
Then they clapped their hands, and shouted, "So, ho! brave
boys. Now we are all on one side.  The man after God's
own heart hath joined our communion.  The psalmist of
Israel is now one of ourselves. Hypocrites, altogether, who
pretend to more religion than others." Thus, sire, from the
fall of one, our people concluded that all were bad.
The like fell out in the case of Peter, the apostle, who,
on a very dark night, missing his way, was first trapped in
the liar's snare, and then in the swearer's gin, so that he
denied the Lord who bought him, and cursed and swore that
he did not so much as know Jesus of Nazareth.  I can tell
you, when such a thing does happen, that we entrap one of
the Nazarenes, it greatly increaseth the industry of my subjects, and bends them more than ever under my yoke. Indeed, as there is no other way to Zion, but what lies directly through the very heart of my dominions, there is now
and then one of them tumbles into our mines, especially in
the dark and long nights of winter.
INFIDELIS. Now and then, child! I thought you had often
companies of them at once in your dominions.
IMPIATOR. No, sir, I cannot say so. I will tell you how
the mistake happens.  We frequently have companies of
those who are called Nazarenes, it is true; but then the
name and the nature are two different things all the world
over. In order to bring true Christianity into disgrace, the
great and wise Beelzebub stirs up some of our country people to put on the outward habit of the Nazarenes, join their
company, and travel with them, almost to the borders of
the kingdom of Profanity; but not one of them can be persuaded te set a foot out of their own country. As those peo



94                    DIALOGUES
pie pass along the road, in their own country, it is not much
to be wondered at, if they do occasionally try their handa
at their old employments.  But as for the real Nazarenes, I
assure you, I very seldom meet with one, who has curiosity
so much as to view our land as he passes through it. Even
when our subtle emissaries do entrap one, let me and my
chivalry do what we can, we never detain him beyond a
certain time; when some powerful messenger is dispatched
from the skies, to deliver him  out of our tenacious hands.
But we have the satisfaction of often procuring them  an
hearty drubbing, so that many of them  go halting to their
grave.  I, myself, have seen Immanuel meet them, in the
very midst of our kingdom, seize, bind, and chastise them,
until with blurred faces, they humbly submitted to kiss the
rod, and heartily blessed God that ever the birch tree was
planted.
INFIDELIS. Ay, child, they are made to kiss the rod, that
is the plague of it; for then they bid farewell to the pleasures of profanity. Oh! were it but possible by any means
to harden them against the rod, what advantages might we
reap from it! Or, indeed, could we, as I have often strove
to do, make them faint under it, it would answer the same
end. But, beyond all our power to hinder, Immanuel does
somehow, along with the stroke, convey sustaining strength.
Yea, sometimes even makes the rod itself, in some respects,
pleasant, and at all times profitable to them. Ah! my son,
we shall never be able to rob him of one of his own, for
when he chastiseth them with a visible hand, he sustameth
and comforteth them with a hand invisible.
But let us not be discouraged, nor yield the contest. Let
us destroy whom we can, and let us disturb and distract the
minds of those whom we cannot destroy. Let us think of
the great Beelzebub, what achievements he is daily performing, notwithstanding he groans in the yoke of eternal
despair.  And for your encouragement, my dear Impiator,
let me tell you, such is your care to maintain a despotic
sway over your subjects, and such is their attachment to
your person and government, that both you and they may
be assured of warm lodgings in the palace of great Beelzebub, as soon as this world ceaseth to be the stage of action.
IMPIATOR. Yes, sir, such is the flourishing state of my
Kingdom at present; but I have my shocks at one time and




OF DEN ILS.                    95
another. It is but a few years since I was terribly afraid,
lest I shou-ld have lost my British subjects.
INFIDELIS. Lost your British subjects, my sor! Who, or
what is he, who dared to attempt any thing against the
great Profanity?
IMPTATOR. Ah! sire, a powerful enemy; no less a person
than George III.  He was an enemy to my powerful sway
when lie was only prince of Wales; and as soon as he ascended the throne, he more openly showed his dislike
me; published an edict for banishing me from  his dominions; enjoined his officers to apprehend me wherever I was
to be found; and, under the penalty of his displeasure, prohibited his subjects from entertaining me at any time, especially upon the sabbath-day; a day on which I am used to
get above double business done for Beelzebub. Had I not
been well befriended by the British nobility, as well as by
the commons of the land, bad days had come upon me; for
what will not precept, enfbrced by example, be able to accomplish?
[Iad he, like many princes before him, only enacted laws
against me, and still continued to correspond with me himself, I should have had little to fear; but would you think
it, sir, he actually attempted to clear the court of me; will
suffer no swearing in his presence, nor gaming on the Sabbath evenings in his palace, and even discourageth drunkenness and debauchery.  Indeed, sir, if inferior magistrates
had all been of the same disposition with their king, poor
Impiator had been obliged to quit the realm, and live in exile, like the devil Crudelis.
INFIDELIS. That the king of England is a sober and virtuous prince, will admit of no dispute; but the case of Impiator can never be desperate, whilst you and I are in such
high esteem with so many magistrates and placemen.  We
shall be regarded much sooner than he. So long as inferior
magistrates can be kept in subjection to us, there is no fear
of our interest, let the prince be ever so virtuous. I, as an
old stander in the world, have seen much of mankind, and
out of my consummate experience shall offer some things
for your encouragement.
A good king may enact good laws; but it is impossible
he should execute them, without the assistance of his subjectse therefore your kingdom, my son, can never suffer,




96                       DIALOGUES
until a law be made, which shall render all common drum.kards, swearers, sabbath-breakers, whoremongers, extortioners, &cc. incapable of the office of a magistrate.  Whilst
magistrates can suffer buying and selling on the sabbathday; whoredom, drunkenness, and swearing to abound il
the streets, with impunity, what hath Inpiator to fear? Doth
It not demonstratively prove, that such magistrates are firmly
attached to the devil Impiator? No danger, my son, no danger at all! Let the king and queen both abhor you ever so
much, unless they can get men of virtuous dispositions established in places of trust, the devil Impiator shall reign,
in spite of all they can do to prevent it.
Do you think that a magistrate, who is himself a drunkard, will ever strive to suppress the beastly sin of drunkenness in others? Or that he, who is a profane swearer, and
tolerates the practice of swearing in his own household, will
ever exert his power to suppress it in others? Can it be
thought, that a man who keeps his woman, instead of his
wife, will be very assiduous to suppress the reigning sin of
whoredom? Or, that he who can, without conscience, grind
the faces of the poor, will ever be a promoter of piety?
Never fear it, Impiator.  All you have to do is to debauch
the minds of as many magistrates as you can; then you will
have the vulgar of course, when they see vice reign with
impunity.*
IMPIATOR. After all, sir, I think there is reason for some
fear, when we consider the power of example. You remember how, according to tradition, it turned the heads of all
the Macedonian army, to the one shoulder, in the days of
Alexander, and how it raised a hump upon most of the gerteel backs in England, in the days of king Richard the
third, of bloody memory.  Now, sir, if example were to
have the like effect at present, Impiator could not live in
England.
INFIDELIS. I am sensible, son, that a virtuous example is
* This second-sighted devil seems to have judged rightly of the case;
for profaneness of every kind has made most awful advances in the present reign, notwithstanding the virtue of the sovereign. Divorces, consequent upon conjugal infidelity, were never so rife, since England became a nation. Masquerades and routs, which received but little countenance in some former reigns, in this, meet with all that the vainest
heart can wish for. That this is the case, let Connelly's, the pantheon
&rnd the female coterie, bear witness.




OF DEVILS.                    97
not without its proper influence; but this I have always
seen, people are more easily drawn by example, into vice,
or even into things indifferent, than into virtue. Assure
yourself it will require a stronger power than the example
of the best and wisest of men, to draw a vicious person to
the love of virtue.
Should the virtuous example of a prince have any influence upon others, you must take care to nick-name them,
get them pointed and hissed at, and despised, and all will
go on very quietly.
Let us now go in quest of our kindred, my son. I expected to have seen some of them here this morning.
DIALOGUE VIII.
INFIDELIS, AVARO, FASTOSUS, IMPIATOR, AND DISCORDANS.
INFIDELIS and Impiator had but just done talking togeth
er, and were about departing, when Fastosus, Avaro, and
Discordans came up the valley, and saluted each his kindred; in which salutation Infidelis thus began:
INFIDELIS. Honor and renown, to the great Fastosus!
Furious contentions, to restless Discordans! and heaps of
glittering wealth, to the careful Avaro! To which infernal
salutation,
FASTOSUs replied, Darkness and confusion surround my
brother Infidelis! Lewdness and debauchery attend my
cousin Inpiator! I am glad to see so many of our family in
the valley at once.
INFIDELIS. I pray you, cousin Discordans, how do you do!
These many weeks have passed since I saw you.
DIscoRDANS. Even jaded out of breath, uncle. How do
you do, most Rev. sir? and how do you, my worthy cousin 1
INFIDELIS. Having, with great care, caused our influences to rest upon our subjects, we came hither to the valley to regale ourselves with a dish of sweet conversation,
which we hope will now be more agreeable, on the arrival
of so many celebrated worthies. But I would know, cousin, where you have been so long?
DISCORDANS. Been! I have been busy, wandering to and
I




9S                     DIALOG LES
fro, on the face of the earth, as usual, promoting the interests of great Beelzebub. So diligent have I been, that I
have had no time, since I saw you last, so much as to take
a nap. But, as you observed just now, having left my influences upon mankind, I hope to enjoy the pleasure of my
uncle's company for a season.
INFII)ELIS. How, cousin? Are you so close at it? I
thought your affairs had been urgent only upon certain occasions.
DIScoRDANS. Indeed, sir, mankind are fond of me, almost
to distraction. I believe I have as much business, now-adays, as any devil of the club; and I manage my affairs
with as much dexterity too.
INFIDELIS. What is that staff, you have in your hand,
cousin? And what is that looking-glass, that hangs by your
side! By your looks you are too vigorous to need a staff
to lean upon; and to judge by the appearance of your person and dress, I should have thought you had as little need
of a looking-glass.
DISCORDANS. You are pleased to banter a little, sir: but
that which is well received, is never ill delivered. This you
call a staff, sir, is my telescope. And this glass is my inverting mirror. The two chosen instruments by which I
carry on all my operations.
IMPIATOR. I thought, cousin, we devils have no need of
glasses, either perspective or visual.  What! is your sight
bad, Discordans 3
DISCORDANS. No, no, my sight is as piercing as the eye
of an eagle; but piercing as it is, I cannot do without my
glasses.
IMPIATOR. Then, I suppose, the glasses are for the use
of your subjects. Indeed, cousin, I never took you to be a
friendly devil before.
DISCORDANS. Not so friendly as you imagine, coz, nor
are the glasses for their use but for their abuse.  For there
is not one who makes use of either glass, but he is abused.
as sure as ever he uses it. This is no very great friendship,
sir, is it?
INFIDELIS. No, cousin, if so you approve yourself the
offspring of great Beelzebub.  I should be glad to hear
something of their uses, and the manner of your operation
bv them.




OF DEVILS.                     99
DISCORDANS. I am ready to oblige you, sir, if the great
Fastosus is pleased to permit me.
FAsTosUS. You do me honor, my son. I permit you, with
all my heart.
DIScoRDANs. Then, sir, if you please, you shall try my
telescope first. Take it in your hand, sir, and put it to your
eye.  Now, sir, what do you see 3
INFIDELIS. See! I see the greatest mountain that ever I
beheld! The top of it reacheth even to the stars. Strange!
I did not think there had been such a thing in the world!
Why, the highest mountain in Armenia is but a hillock,
when compared to this T
DISCORDANS. Now, sir, be pleased to take down the
glass; look the same way with your naked eye, and try
what you can discover.
INFIDELIS. Nay, now I can see nothing at all, but a molehill, about a score of yards from us. But what is gone with
the mountain, think you?
DIscORDANS. That very molehill, sir, is the mountain
which you saw. To convince you of it, Impiator shall make
the trial likewise.  Now, Impiator, what do you see?
IMPIATOR. See! why I see the wondrous mountain; and
I see a prodigious number of monsters, ten times as big as
an elephant, travelling up the sides of it!
DIscoRDANS. Now, sir, the molehill is the mountain, and
the ants are the monsters that inhabit it.
INFIDELIS. Amazing! that any instrument can change
the appearance of things, so much from the reality. Indeed,
Discordans, I can hardly believe my own eyes.
DISCORDANS. Sir, you shall have full conviction. Put the
glass to your eye, and mind well, when I roll this ball on
the green, and tell me what it appears to you to be.-Now,
sir, you have seen it, what do you say?
INFIDELIS. I am more astonished than ever. It appeared
to be well-nigh as huge as the body of Saturn, and seemed
to roll through immeasurable space. Now I am convinced,
incredulous as I am.
DISCORDANS. All is well so far. Now you shall try the
other end of the telescope, and learn the wonders of miniature. Let us look towards the other side of the valley. You
see a very large oak, whose arms are extended at least two
hundred feet in breadth. Do you not see it, sir?




100                  DIALOGUES
INFIDELIS. See it! How you talk! I might see that tree
without spectacles, if I were three-fourths blind.
DISCORDANS. Be not too positive, sir. Take a good view
of it now, lest you should not readily apprehend it with the
glass.
INFIDELIS. Why, cousin, I cannot fail seeing this tree at
the first trial, it is such a large one, and just at hand too!
DISCORDANS. Well then, please to put the glass to youi
eye, the contrary way to what you did before.-Now, sir
what do you see 3
INFIDELIS. I can see nothing at all. What is become of
the tree think you?
DISCORDANS. Look better, sir. The tree stands just where
it did, I assure you.
IMPIATOR. I suppose my father has not the glass right at
his eye; has he, cousin 3
DISCORDANS. Yes, yes, it is very right. Do you discover
any thing of the tree yet?
INFIDELIS. NO, nothing at all. Is not the glass fallen out,
think you?
DISCORDANS. NO, sir, the glass is all right. But tell me,
do you see nothing of any kind?
INFIDELIS. Yes, I see, at a prodigious distance, some kind
of a shrub, about the size of a common thistle. To me it
appears to be about fifteen inches high.
DISCORDANS. Look stedfastly at it, sir, and see if you can
find out what species it is of 
INFIDELIS. I take it to be a small oak plant; but at such
a distance, it is not easy to distinguish the species of such a
diminutive shrub.
DISCORDANS. Now, sir, I perceive you discern it right 
if you please, you may take down the glass. You see, sir,
the oak tree stands just where it did; and now you discover
nothing of the shrub. Believe me, sir, the plant which you
saw, is none other than that stately oak, magically diminished in its appearance, by the power of the glass. The
oak itself has undergone no change, neither did the ball,
nor the molehill.  All the change is only in appearance.
INFIDEIIS. I am amazed at the astonishing powers of this
instrument. When it is used one way, it magnifies a molehill to a stupendous mountain, and a tennis-ball to a world;
and when used the contrary way, it reduceth an oak of the




OF DEVILS.                    101
most gigantic stature, into one of the most dwarfish shrubs.
I pray you, cousin, what is the name of this instrument, and
where was it invented?
DISCORDANS. Sir, the name of this amazing instrument,
is Prejudice; it was invented by Lucifer, the most famous
mathematician in hell; and is of excellent use, in forwarding the delightful works of darkness, and securing the dominion of Beelzebub, over mankind, upon earth.
INFIDELIS. Dear cousin, I am quite impatient to have a
description of its uses.  It cannot fail of being of excellent
service, if skilfully managed, as I doubt not it is, in the hand
of Discordans.
DISCORDANS. Sir, having already seen something of its
amazing effects, you may well believe it is very useful to
me. By this partial glass it is I sow contention, strife and
discord, wherever I come. It is my custom when I begin
my operations, and intend to set people together by the ears,
to visit each of them separately; apply my glass to his eye,
in the magnifying way; and, as you see it is so constructed
that it will turn any way, I turn it towards himself, by which
he obtains a partial view of his own virtue and merit. Then
I apply the glass the contrary way, and direct my dupe to
consider his vices in the diminishing medium, by which he
almost, if not wholly, loseth sight of them. Having had such
a partial view of his own virtues and vices, the fool takes the
former to be a thousand times greater, and the latter a thousand times less, than they really are. By these means he is
prejudiced in his own favor so far, that he is ready to quarrel
with all, who think not as well of him as he does of himself.
Thus, I prejudice almost every man in his own favor, so
far, that each looks upon himself as most worthy of general
regard. From this it is, that you may meet with a drummer,
who looks upon himself as more able to command well, than
his colonel: or a catchpole, who deems himself fit for an
alderman; and a scurvy attorney, who flatters himself, that
he knows more than the lord chancellor of the realm.
But for this prejudice in their own favor, you should never
hear of revolutions of state, destructive wars, cruel assassinations, and domestic broils, among mankind, so gratefuil to
us infernal spirits. It is by this device, you will find one
fool wiser in his own conceit than ten men who can render
a reason. Yea, gentlemen, it is from the good opinion almost
12




102                    DIALOGUES
every man hath of himself, originally derived from the use
of my partial telescope, that all divisions and animosities of
every kind, and amongst every people, in church and state,
do flow.  Though, indeed, the gentlemen concerned in religious contentions would persuade the world that it is the
glory of God, and the furtherance of the gospel, they have in
view, in all their curses and anathemas, which they toss and
retoss against one another.  The vulgar take it for granted
to be so, and therefore readily join with their reverend
leaders.
In the mean while, man being sufficiently prejudiced in
his own favor, I betake me to the following operations, from
whence all jealousies, backbitings, murmurings, evil surmisings, &c. spring.  I put the diminishing end of my telescope to the eye of my dupe, and direct him thus, to behold
the virtues of his neighbor.  The instance of the oak, reduced to the most diminutive shrub, will convince you that
a man's virtues will appear little enough, if at all discernible,
when viewed with my partial glass. So when the man with
it examines the virtue of his neighbors, he is put to his wit's
end to find any virtue at all, just as you were to find out the
oak: but he sees, as he thinks, too much cause to conclude,
that his neighbor is a very bad man. And if such a thing
should be, that a man's virtue is so strong that it forceth
evidence, even over the belly of prejudice, by its own native
lustre, its appearance is changed from its reality, as the oak
to the shrub, in the foregoing experiment.
Then I direct my disciple to apply the magnifying end of
the telescope, and to take an ample view of his neighbor's
vices and deformity; and this he doth to the greatest advantage.  The two instances of a molehill transformed to a
mountain, and a rolling ball to a revolving world, will convince you how glaring a man's vices will be, when viewed
with the magnifying end of my valuable telescope, prejudice.
On obtaining this discovery, says my dupe, Ah! how
glaring his vices appear! When I sought for virtue, I could
not discern so much as the smallest of her traces in him;
but now I seek for his vices, truly there is nothing else to
be seen.  Can he be a Christian'! No, surely! If this be
Christianity, I will for ever renounce it." Thus, my reverend uxcle, I frequently persuade people who are really




OF DEVILS                    103
worthless, to despise, revile, and contemn those who are, in
every respect, much preferable to themselves; to deny the
character of virtuous men, even to the most virtuous of their
day.
INFIDELIS. Now, nephew, you delight my ear indeed;
and I freely own you of my illustrious kindred; nor are you
less dexterous in pursuit of your calling, than the greatest
of all our fraternity; the great Fastosus and I only excepted.
IMPIATOR. Gentlemen, I have been silent a long time,
which I believe I am as little given to as any; but now,
wonder unbraces my tongue, and I cannot but admire the
art and industry of my cousin Discordans.
DISCORDANS. Although I am no way remarkable for gratitude, I thank you, cousin Impiator, for your compliment
There is this glass, which likewise demands your attention.
Will you please to examine it, gentlemen?
INFIDELIS. Come, cousin, I will. Please to let me look
at it.
DISCORDANS. Now for a fresh surprise.  Do you please
to place the mirror, and look into it.
INFIDELIS. I will, cousin. But what is the matter, think
you? I see nothing but gross darkness. How comes this to
pass, Discordans?
DISCORDANS. It is the nature of the instrument. Be
pleased to turn yourself so as to look upon either, or all of
us, in it. Now, sir, what do you see?
INFIDELIS. Strange! you all appear as angels of light.
Did I not perfectly know the contrary, I could have sworn
upon the alcoran, or the mass book, that Impiator had been
Uriel; Avaro had been the genius of benevolence; that
FastosNs had been humility; and you, Discordans, the angel
of peace.
This glass is really more wonderful than the former.
What an amazing power of inversion it hath, cousin! Why
it transformeth light into darkness, and darkness into light;
chancreth the appearance of devils into that of angels of
light. Well, Discordans, if this will not answer your end,
I do not know what will. I pray you, cousin, what do you
call it 
DISCORDANS. This, sir, I call my inverting mirror: but
the proper name of it is false reasoning.  An instrument




104                    DIALOGUES
of the true Luciferlan construction, and most admirably
adapted to my dividing purposes. It is the oracle at which,
for the most part, mankind inquire after the truth of any
matter.  But, from what you have seen, you will readily
believe that there is no truth in it; therefore, its discoveries, if the truth were known, would be deemed absolute'ssehood.  But I am very carefil to keep up its honor with
ne people, as I could do but little business without it.
FASTOSUS. Right, my son, and it proves to be in high eseem: for the ancients were not more fond of our brother
4pollo, who kept his court at Delphos, than the moderns are
Jf the inverting mirror of false reasoning.
INFIDELIS. Good cousin, a word or two concerning its uses;
yea, make an oration of it, if you please; for it will be very
agreeable, even to Impiator himself, I dare say.
IMPIATOR. No danger of me, I assure you! I begin now
to have some taste for information, all that I have heard
being so very agreeable. Cousin Discordans, you may freely
proceed without any fear of being too hard upon my patience.
DISCORDANS. But for this inverting mirror, gentlemen, I
could do but little against the children of men; for excellent as my telescope of prejudice is, it would be altogether
useless, but for the mirror: but, by the help of this, the
telescope performeth mighty deeds in favor of our government.
By this mirror it is, I cause offence to be taken when none
is offered nor designed; yea, even when the good of the
party is sought after; and thus I foment differences, amidst
the most fervent solicitations for unity. A certain great man,
some thousand years since, had such a proof of this, that he
complained bitterly against our people, saying, " When I am
for peace, they are for war."
By this mirror it is, that public or private reproof is not
only rendered useless, but even hurtful to the party reproved,
and frequently prejudicial to society. So very much are
people given to examine all matters in our famous mirror,
that it is almost impossible to point out one man in a whole
county, who hath wisdom  enough to bear reproof with becoming patience. So that if it is an argument of folly, to
turn away the ear from reproof, or to harden the heart against
-ebuke, these are brave days for folly.




OF DEVILS.                   105
By this wonderful mirror, I make even the preached word,
not only useless to many, but offensive to some. For instance, it sometimes happens, that the preacher, as it is his
duty, exclaims against drunkenness. At that instant I step..p to the drunkard, and hold the mirror before his eyes; imirediately he begins to view the parson's conduct in a very
uncharitable light; and, as a guilty conscience needs no accuser, he concludes it is himself that is aimed at. "Well,
says he, I see how it is; some spiteful person hath told him
that I was drunk the other night, and he is wicked enough
to expose me to all the congregation. Has he no faults of
his own, that he can be so free in trumping up other people's
failings? Cannot he preach the gospel without railing against
individuals?
INFIDELIS. I have often seen it to be dangerous to our interests, for a person to go with a guilty conscience to where
there is a faithful ministry.
DISCORDANS. By this time, I clap my telescope to his eye,
and direct him to view the parson with it; which is no
sooner done, than he exclaims, "Ay, ay, his vices are as
great as mine, and greater too. If he is not a drunkard, he
is something as bad; he is covetous; all know that: and he
is uncharitable and spiteful." Then I turn the end of my
telescope towards himself. " Well, saith he, the parson himself is more wicked by one half than I am. I meddle with
no man's character.  I am in charity with all men. I am
just and honest in all my dealings. If I hurt anybody, it
is myself, and what can the meddling fellow have to do with
that?"
Thus doth this wonderful instrument invert the nature of
things, so as to turn a well-meant admonition into a piece
of envious raillery; what is really in itself a virtue, is changed
in its appearance to a vice; and if the least degree of zeal
appears in the delivery of reproof, it is traduced as passion
and ill-nature. By the use of these two famous instruments,
I set one great man to pull the ears of another, at the various courts of earthly princes; where, by my management,
the truly worthy are frequently disgraced, and the worthless
advanced to power.  What ups and downs succeeded each
other in the court of Versailles, in the days of madame Pompaaour, when not the merit of the hero, but his attachment
to that lady, was considered! If he was a true Pompadorian,




106                   DIALOGUES
he was sure to be advanced, however much of the calf hI
disposition had imbibed; but if an anti-pompadorian, down he
came, though he were as wise as Ulysses, and valiant as the
son of Thetis. And so it fared with them in their bad success in the late war.
FASTOSUS. I suppose the public would never object to their
prince enjoying the common privilege of man, in having a
favorite friend near his person, were it not that the party selected for that person is apt, insolently and inconsiderately,
to crowd his own dependants, qualified or unqualified, into
places under the government.  But what France suffered
for such misconduct in the last war, will be a warning to
neighboring nations.
INFIDELIS. I should like to have the history of your glasses,
cousin.  And I imagine a few instances of your operations
by then will be exceedingly agreeable to all the company,
if you will be so obliging as to favor us with them.
DISCORDANS. With all my heart, sir. The first instance
I remember, was in the case of Cain and Abel. As for Abel,
you know he was a rebel against our government, enlisted
under the banner of Immanuel, and bore arms against the
monarch of darkness, to whom trusty Cain was firmly attached. Abel was well acquainted with the acceptable atonement, then to be made by Jesus of Nazareth, and had respect
to it, in all the services which he offered to Deity. His sacrifices and services were therefore the fruits of faith, and
consequently acceptable to God, whom he served. On the
other hand, our friend Cain had no respect for the mediation
of Immanuel, but considered his services as well deserving
acceptance with Deity, in virtue of their own intrinsic excellence. Of course, both him and his services were iejected. For you know whatever is not of faith, is sin, and consequently detestable to the Almiihty.  Abel offered his sacrifice, and Cain presented his gift, the one in faith, and the
other without faith; the result was, Abel was accepted and
Cain rejected.
As soon as I was aware of this, and saw discontent visible
upon his countenance, I went up to Cain, and began to ply
him with my instrument.  "  et my lord Cain," said I, " try
nis brother's conduct in this faithful mirror."
Accordingly he viewed it, and as he viewed, he said,
a"Ah! new I see how it is. He knew that a lamb or kid




OF DEVILS.                   107
would be more acceptable to God than corn; but he would
not inform me, I suppose, lest I should share in the blessing
-s this acting the part of a brother? I see now through all
4is pretended love, his whining advices and hypocritical
cant."
This wrought just as I would have it. Then I desired him.o view himself with my telescope, which he did, and thus
exclaimed, " Why, I am a thousand times better than my
orother Abel! I have as much righteousness in my one hand,
as he hath in his whole person." Said I, "Now take a full
view of your brother with this glass." He did, and as he
looked, he said, " My brother is the most contemptible creature I ever beheld. I wonder not now to hear him complain
f his unworthiness, as he does in his whining way." " Look
again," I said. Then said Cain, " Why, Abel is so swelled
with pride, that he cannot contain himself." " Look farther,"
Faid I: "Ay, replied he, I see what he aims at.  He thinks
I shall be his servant, and no longer his superior as elder
brother."
You know it is usual for my worthy friends, Envy, Revenge, and Cruelty, to follow me in most of my enterprises.
It so fell out, at this time, that those three diabolians were
present; but none of them attempted to speak a word, until
Cain had viewed his brother Abel with my instruments, in
a light the most disadvantageous to him that could be. But
Cain having obtained this view of Abel, up comes Envy, and
thus addressed him: "Friend Cain, I am heartily sorry for
yout disgrace, and am grieved when I observe to you, that,
it is my opinion you will never be able to endure your
Drother's greatness and prosperity, now he is accepted, and
you are rejected.  I am  much mistaken, if his ambition
ceaseth to operate, until he enslaves you entirely under his
yoke.  I much fear that it is what he aims at. Now, my
friend, as you are the elder born, it is but reasonable that
you should be ruler; but for the elder to be subject to the
younger, is what I would advise you never to submit to."
Then, said Revenge, if honest Cain will be ruled by me, he
will make himself amends for all the grief he has sustained.
To whom Cain: "I pray thee thou sweet spirit, which way
shall I do it   Shall I burn his tents, or destroy his flocks 
What shall I do to make myself amends 3" Do, said Crudelis,
what should you do   Knock him on the head at once.




108                  D1 4LOGUES
" else, said Envy, he w'll be an eye-sore to you, all the days
of your life."
Thus the matter was determined, and, accordingly, Cain
took an opportunity one day in the field to murder him. In
this instance, Abel's virtue and faith were considered as
vicious craftiness; his sincere aiming at the glory of God,
and his self-denial, were, by my inverting instruments, inl
terpreted pride and ambition. Deluded Cain revenged himself, not according to reality, but according to his own jealous
suspicions and groundless surmises.
INFIDELIS. Realities seldom appear, Discordans, where
you reign, or your operations would not be so successful as
they are in common.
DISCORDANS. True, sir, there is no possibility of maintaining strife and contention, but by inspiring one man with
mistaken notions of another, and each with a good opinion
of himself. This is the spring of all contention.
I remember I made rude work between Jacob's wives; 1
think their names were Leah and Rachel, the daughters of
your friend Laban, Avaro; and that too, for what neither
one nor the other could possibly help. Rachel was plump,
fair, and beautiful, but withal for many years barren. Leah
was less beautiful, being afflicted with tender eyes. And
from these two sources I let the world see the inconveniency
of polygamy or bigamy. But to pass from the discord of
the women, I come to their sons, amongst whom I made a
pretty sort of an inroad, which for a season yielded me exquisite pleasure.
You must know it is always more pleasure to me to stir
up discord among the good and virtuous, than any people
whatever; although, by the way, it is much more irrational
in them to quarrel with one another, than for those who are
strangers to equal privileges. Yet, such is my dexterity,
that, whilst they are in this world, I can make them very
often behave to one another, more like enemies than friends
and brethren. However, they escape my tyranny the moment they forsake their clay, and I am for ever banished
from their peaceful mansions in the other world.
To return to my story. Young Joseph, son of deceased
Rachel, was his father's favorite; and the fond patriarch,
to evince his distinguishing regard to him, clothed him in
garments of many colors. This badge of affection sat very




OF DEVILS.                     109
uneasy on the minds of his brethren, who, to a man, resolved to teach future parents the folly of partiality towards their children; yet had conduct enough to bridle
their resentment until a favorable opportunity should offer.
It was not many years before an opportunity olffred; for
Joseph had a dream divinely inspired, of which I made very
suitable improvement Hle dreamed "that he and his bretnren were all reaping together in the field, and lo! ere he
was aware, his sheaf stood upright in the midst, and all his
brethren's sheaves stood round and made obeisance to it."
Young Joseph, suspecting no harm, in his simplicity, told
his dream to his brethren. Not long after, he dreamed that
the sun, moon, and eleven stars, made obeisance to him;
and, in the same simplicity of heart, told his brethren this
dream also, never once suspecting that they would comment
upon it to his injury.
At this time I happened to make a visit to them; and
having the matter without reserve laid before me, I requested them  to examine it with my instruments, as you
know I am never backward when there is any hope of business. As they examined it, they were unanimously of opinion, that the haughty boy was but too sensible ofI his father's
over-esteem for him. " Vain youth, said they, he can think
of nothing but being lord over his brethren: it is evident,
from his repeated dreams, his mind runs upon it through the
day; for what people ruminate in the day, they are apt to
dream of at night."  Such was the sense my mirror gave
of the affair.  Then, said I, gentlemen, be pleased to survey the matter with this telescope, meaning prejudice. They
did so, and said, "Did ever any body see such a haughty,
presumptuous youth as this stripling of a brother of ours is?
It may be, the young ambitious wretch feigned his dreams,
the more easily to introduce his supremacy! He be our lord!
Must he? Hlis pride is boundless.  It is not enough that he
hopes to lord it over his brethren, but his old father must, it
seems, make obeisance to his arrogance."
It was now I called on my brother Revenge to appear,
to whom I willed them  to make their case known.  This
they did; and he, without hesitation, (as you know he is a
ready-witted spirit) gave them his advice. " Gentlemen, said
he, the fact is evident; but why do you perplex yourselves?
You have it in vour power to prevent his aggrandizement
K




110                  DIALOGUES
Yonder ho comes, and here is a pit hard by: drown him In
it, and see what will become of his dreams."  "By all
means, said Envy; for you see the old man is so dotingly
fond of him, that he is ready to take his dreams to be divinely inspired; and the more foolishly the youth can dream,
the fonder his father is of him; so that it is now, if Joseph
is well, he cares little what becomes of the rest of his children."
The sons of Jacob, in part, followed our advice. They
cast Joseph into the pit, which happened to be dry: but the
angel of compassion wrought so far upon them, that they
spared his life, and sold him to a band of Ishmaelites, who
were to take care to dispose of him in a foreign market, fir
enough from home.  So you see it was by the help of my
incomparable instruments, Joseph was separated from his
brethren.
INFIDELIS. If right reason had been director, they would
have allowed it possible that God might speak in a dream,
or in a vision of the night, to the lad; and that it was time
enough to punish him, when he actually became guilty of
usurpation. But in your way, right reason is quite out of
the question, cousin.
If agreeable to the great Fastosus, I hold it good we disperse for the present, that our affairs on earth be not neglected; and let us meet here to-morrow morning for fresh
conversation.
FASTOSUS. It is very agreeable to me, sir.
DIALOGUE IX.
FASTOSUS, INFIDELIS, IMPIATOR, DISCORDANS, AND AVARO.
IT was my business to mind the appointment, snd give
due attendance; which I resolved to do, whatever should
be the consequence: accordingly I was there ere the arrival of the infernal gentry, whom I waited for with impatience. At last, they all came up the valley to the place
of conference; where five sable thrones were ready tc re



OF DEVILS.                   111
ceive them. As soon as seated, the following converse be.
gan:
INFIDELIS. Indeed! is it possible that my lovely Impiator
hath so far prevailed, as to make a reverend vicar drink
until he is fiddled 1 Such a conquest as this makes greatly
for our interest; for when the parishioners know that the
parson himself was drunk in the week, they will pay very
little regard to his sermon the ensuing sabbath. Let him
preach repentance and reformation, with all the zeal he may
assume, every hearer will say in his heart, "Physician,
heal thyself." I always knew that you, Avaro, had large
dealings with many of the clergy; but not until now, that
my son Impiator had obtained such great power over them.
What! and swear too! To see a parson get drunk, or to
hear him profanely swear, would give joy to the devil himself, amidst all his disappointments. I assure you, in the
days of the Puritans, I would have crept forty miles on my
hands and knees to have heard the one, or seen the other.
But thou, my sonIMPIATOR. Indeed, sire, you may depend on what I say.
Great and formidable are my enterprises. These eyes of
mine have seen the foot-ball thrown down at the churchdoor, on Sunday after service, in the presence of the parson; who, like the father of his people, gathered up his
gown, and stood patiently to see which of his flock could
with greatest dexterity make it skim the sky. This, you
will say, was a pretty sort of transit, made by the holy man,
from worshipping the God of heaven to serve the famous
devil Impiator. Ah, gentlemen, were I but an eloquent
spirit, I could tell you such wonders about the profaneness
of both priest and people, as would rejoice your hearts, and
make you confess that few devils have more ascendency over
mankind than myself. O! the young students who are training up for the ministry, are charming lads. It is but a few
years since, a nymph, who had been under the tuition of
some of those young clergymen, came to an overseer of the
poor of the parish, near a certain university, and desired to
speak with him.  What is your will l said he. I am with
child, said she. I see that, returned he; but who is its father? Three gentlemen of            tall, said she. What
do you talk of three for, said he; only one of them can be
its father. Indeed, sir, they are all three the fathers of my




112                   DIALOGUES
child, and are all willing to give security to the parish: ana
three very civil gentlemen they are, I assure you. I think,
said the overseer, they have not behaved very civilly to you,
seeing you are with child by them.  0! sir, said she, they
behaved very civilly to me. They got me to their room,
and kept me there for above a fortnight, and all the while I
ate with them, and slept with them at free cost.
AvARo. Well, but, brother, can you assert that as fact
upon your own knowledge 1
IMPIATOR. Yes, Avaro, I can; and more than that, the
overseer is yet alive, and can at any time attest the truth
of it.
INFIDELIS. Well, I think they are hopeful gentlemen of
which to make ministers of the gospel; gentlemen who
may be of great service to our government.
IMPIATOR. It is on that account I mention the affair.
And I could tell you a hundred such pretty little stories.
FASTOSUS. Supposing my reverend brother Infidelis, for
the information of these younger devils, were to relate part
of his history, might it not be well?
INFIDELIS. I am ready to do any thing that tends to the
prosperity of our common cause: with a view to this, I have
already given Impiator some account of my birth, and first
enterprises; and now, for common instruction, shall proceed.
Having ascended the throne of Infidelity, the first thing I
attempted was, to lull men into a persuasion, that I did not
at all exist, and that there is no such devil as unbelief in
being.  When I could not so universally prevail in this as
I wished, I endeavored to persuade each of them separately, that however Infidelis might reign over others, for their
part, he had no dominion over them. For, said I, you have
a good heart, and have believed well all your days. Although, as I said before, I have conducted many of those,
who fancied they had believed so well in their life-time,
very safely down to the chambers of horrible despair
where they were soon convinced, they never believed at al
aright.
Then I endeavored to persuade the people, that the
threatenings of God's law, against sin, ought to be considered as a fancy; and, to strengthen this doctrine, I thus
preached; (for you must know I have been a great prea.cher
in my time,) " Look you, you timorous-minded mortals; vou




OF DE-'iL.                   113
mav clearly see that God hath created you, with all the
passi ns and appetites that attend you; and can you believe
that he did this with a design to prohibit the gratification
of them? No, surely! Could it be consistent with the
character of that God, whose goodness is unto all, and
whose tender mercies are over all his works, to endue you
with these passions and appetites, and then damn you
for gratifying them 3 No, no, those threatenings are exhibited only to keep your consciences in awe; but never designed to be rigorously executed. The law will make large
allowances, for the inclinations, passions, and infirmities of
the human nature; never fear it. The soul that sinneth
need not to fear dying, as the scripture has threatened; and
man shall not be cursed, though he continue not in all
things written in the law to do them."
Here, gentlemen, you may see my fallacy, in dealing
with mortals; for although all the faculties and passions of
the soul were indeed essential to its created state, none of
them were then irregular; none acted from improper influence; for every passion centred in its lawful and proper
object. Besides, all sinful motions and desires of the heart
are the effects of my dominion over man..Then I proceeded to persuade them that God had forsaken the earth, and took now no notice of the deeds of
men, so that every man might, with the greatest safety,
gratify his peculiar inclination. By these means it was, the
great Impiator was brought into existence, whose dominion
has increased, every year, with great rapidity.
I persuaded men, that this world is the most certain
good. A bird in the hand, said I, is worth two in the bush,
Make sure of this world, and never fear for the other. Do
you consider this as your abiding place, and build your nest
in its highest branches, if possible. In this I succeeded so
well, that every man by nature, and almost all by practice,
look upon the present world as the chiefest good. Then it
was that Avaro was born in our family, and Ambitiosus was
born in the family of Fastosus.
All this, you must observe, I did in disguise, or rather in a
state of invisibility. I dare not tell a man, when I wait upon
him, that my name is Infidelis: for, although they are fond
of my nature, even to distraction, there is not one of them.
but wnat hates to be told that he is concerned with me.
K2




114                   DIALOGUES
Indeed you cannot affront any of my subjects worse, than
by naming him after me, and calling him Infidel.
IMPIATOR. That is the very case with my subjects: for,
although they love my service with all their hearts, they
hate to be told of it.  If a man should at any time reprove
one of them for his enormities, you would soon hear him
damn the reprover, for a methodist, a puritan, or a sanctified hypocrite.
INFIDELIS. It is no manner of difficulty for me to lurk,
unperceived by them, in the corners of their dwellings; but
I cannot possibly hide myself from Moses, the vicegerent
of the Highest. He is a person of a most piercing eye, and
can trace all the motions of spirit; therefore it comes to
pass, that he and I have frequent bickerings.  Moses being
the perfection of light, and I the most consummate darkness, there is an eternal war proclaimed betwixt us, and we
never meet but we are at daggers' drawing.
Sometimes he comes, knocking with a tremendous hammer at the doors and windows of my lodging, as if he
would lay the house in a heap of ruins; whilst the people
within start and tremble at every thunder-clap of his hammer.  Amidst their consternation, you may hear him, from
without, call to them within, with a voice louder than many
thunders, in the name of his august Master, to bring forth
the devil Infidelis, and all his train, to public execution.
But I am always well befriended by the people of the house,
who, for the most part, tell him that neither Infidelis, nor
any of his train, live with them, and that his excellency
must needs have mistaken the door.  They tell him  he
would do better to inquire at the house of Tom Drunkard,
or Jack the swearer, where, very probably, say they, that
evil spirit may dwell.
This is often the beginning of a rupture betwixt him and
them; for he is not to be so easily deceived.  He shooteth
his burning arrows with deathly vengeance in at the windows, against the people of the house, whom I exhort, by
all possible means, to resist to the last extremity. Never
did you see the warlike Corsicans exert themselves with
such #rdor in defence of their liberties, as my subjects in
defence of my government.
Sometimes they so besmear his heavenly face, with the
filth they throw upon him, calling him severe tyrant, covet



OF DEVILS.                   115
ous extortioner, unjust villain, and the like, that he gives
over the assault, and leaves them to miy quiet possession.
Then I take my seal, and seal them to destruction. For ycu
must know, it is but in some places he exerts his unfrustrable influence.
It is likewise observable, that although my subjects will
give Moses a good character, while he keeps at a distance
from them, every one will fight to the knees in blood, when
assaulted by him, ere they submit; so fond are they of my
person and government. Sometimes it hath happened, that
by irresistible force, he hath broken open the doors, seized
the people of the house by the collar, dragged them  to
the brink of a pit called Despondency, into which he tumbled them headlong, and left them shut up in that dreary
dungeon.
As soon as he is departed, I go to work, and turn some
neighboring brook into the pit, with a design to drown
them, or throw  down earth, stones, &c. on purpose to
smother them; and so I continue to pester and disturb
them, until I am frightened away by the sound of Immanuel's trumpet, as he himself approaches for their deliverance:
for you must know, I cannot stand my ground, but take to
my heels, when he appears. Many a time do I hear myself
cursed for an hellish brat, even by those who, but very lately, would have risked life and fortune, and, with the.greatest bravery, fought in the cause of prince Infidelis. But as
soon as they obtain a glimpse of Immanuel's glory, they
have done with my yoke, and I lose their affection for ever.
However, as I cannot endure that rational scripture light
should shine into the hearts of men, I have often been puzzled to find out proper methods to resist the power of Moses;
for he is excessively turbulent sometimes, and frighteneth
my subjects into a pretended service of his Lord. In order
to appease him, the sons of men agreed to build a temple,
and dedicate it to the Most High; rather choosing to worship him, than be destroyed by the artillery of Sinai. Accordingly, to work they went, and built a sumptuous dome
for divine worship, in order to stop the mouth of that neverceasing accuser. Now, thought I, things are likely to take
an awkward turn with me; if this worship is not interrupted,
I shall lose many of my present slaves. So I put my plodding brain to the torture, in order to find cut proper methods




116                   DIALOGUES
of prevention; and I can tell you, gentlemen, I went wisely
to work. You remember that, Avaro, for you were my
helper.
The case was this. We prepared the image of a woman,
fair and beautiful to the eye; she was inwardly made of
clay, and outwardly adorned with the appearance of burnished gold.  In her right hand was a regal sceptre, titles
of state, and plumes of honor, &c. In her left she carried
a heavy purse of money, and a casket of oriental jewels
Upon her head was an Imperial crown, studded with sparkling gems, which dazzled the eyes of beholders, whilst they
read the fbllowing motto, which was written in all languages on her forehead, "1 am the mistress of the whole
world."  We secretly conveyed this image into one corner
of the temple, and placed it in such a manner as to be seen
of all who entered.
I soon perceived, that the bait was suitably drest, and our
idol had charms enough to attract the attention of the people.
Ha, ha, ha, you would have laughed, until your sides were
tired, had you been there, to see how the slaves looked
asquint upon the idol, as they approached the altar of God.
Ay, and, in the midst of their devotion, how they cast the
tail of their eye towards the place where she stood. After
their worship was over, 0 how they bowed and cringed before her ladyship! The very parson himself did her humble
reverence, and many times embraced her in the most affectionate manner.  Then said I, "A fig for Moses and all his
threatening. I have the slaves as fast as ever."
IMPIATOR. Indeed, sire, you played the devil with them
then.  But what said Moses? Did he calmly yield the debate?
INFIDELIS. No, no, he is none of your easy tempered
people, I assure you. His eagie eye soon discovered the
cheat, and as soon did he resolve on vengeance, as appeared
by the event.  Laden with burning fagots, he came to the
temple, and, roaring like many thunders, he said, the flashes
of lightning bursting as he spake, "This people draweth
near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me
Put away from among you that accursed evil, and worship
the Lord with your souls, as well as your bodies, with your
hearts as well as your voices, or look for destrrction, even
in the embraces of your idol."




OF DEVILS                    117
This said, he hurled his brands amongst the people, and
terribly disturbed many of them.  Indeed it was something
alarming to see them look so ghastly, and tremble at his
fearful menaces. In their first alarm, they were for removing the goddess out of the temple, for fear of immediate
destruction; but being a little recovered from their fright,
the far greater part found such relentings towards her ladyship, that they could not bear the thoughts of parting with
her; believing still, in despite of Moses, that her comely
presence was highly necessary, to render religion tolerable;
and rather than part with her, they resolved to part with the
temple of God itself.
Some few of them, indeed, were resolute for her removal,
deeming the urgent command of the heavenly accuser not
at all unreasonable; but their company was very inconsiderable, and their strength inadequate to the enterprise.
When they attempted to remove her, they could not so
much as move her feet off from the pedestal; and notwithstanding the command was urgent, the far greater part of
the people could not help, even in the midst of their devotion, looking towards the idol, with an approving countenance; and there she stands to this day, adored by most,
and a snare even to the virtuous and good.
AVARO. Great and manifold are the services which that
ornamented idol had done to our government, among both
preachers and others; for many of the sacerdotal tribe have
not the least view in their preaching, beyond a genteel living, and further preferment; to which end, adulation and
flattery is more studied than the gospel. If they can but
get the world to smile upon them, they desire no more.
Give them riches and honor, they may preach the gospel
who will, for them.  Let the people only pay their dues
punctually, they may choose, for the parson, whether they
will serve God or the devil, whether they will go to heaven
or hell. Brave days, gentlemen!
INFIDELIS. Yes, Avaro, the times are not to be complained
of; nor indeed have they been bad for many hundreds of
years, if circumstances are duly attended to. But to my
story. In process of time, men became sensible, that unless the heart were fixed upon God, in acts of religious
worship, their services could not be ac.eptable; but how to
fix them they could not find. Being afraid the result of




118                   DIALOGUES
th3ir inquiries might prove dangerous to my interest, if not
interrupted, I advised them to make to themselves representations of God, in wood, stone, brass, or iron, but rather
of silver or gold, alleging that, the more valuable the meta!,
the more acceptable the sacrifice would be.
The sons of men no sooner heard, than approved of my
scheme, and resolved forthwith to put it in execution. Then,
ere you were aware, every village was furnished with one or
two god-makers; a set of artificers, from whom our present
saint-makers in Italy, Spain, Portugal, &c. are descended;
for modern times have not changed, but only given a different name to this craft, by which the popish parsons get
their wealth.
But, alas! having never seen the shape of God, at any
time, they were obliged to form their images in the mould
of their own fancies, which being various, it came to pasi
that in one place the invisible Deity was likened to an olc
man with a venerable long beard, grasping a bunch of reeds
which they called thunder. In another place he was represented as half man and half beast; yea, so various were the
fancies of the artists, that in one place God Almighty was
made like a fish, in another like an eagle or hawk, and ii
another like a log of wood, and indeed sometimes like a
beast with four feet. So very briskly was this trade carried
on, that all who were able to buy, had, in a few years, one
or more god almighties, of man's making, in their own
houses. The very same as our good friends the papists,
have got almost every one a savior in his pocket or chamber.
In the holy Roman church, you may find in every house, a
Jesus Christ of one kind or another; for there be many
sorts of Jesus Christs, as golden Jesus Christs, silver Jesus
Christs, wooden, and even paper Jesus Christs, all made
with as much craft as the ancient pagan gods.
AVARO. That trade of shrine-making among the papists,
is a good sort of trade; but I cal tell you, it falls far short
of the craft of saint-worshipping, by which the priests get
their wealth.  Many a wooden saint there is in the holy
church, which hath brought into the priests' treasury above
six times its weight in gold. And indeed the pagan priests
reaped equal benefit from their gods; from whence we learn
that priestcraft hath been the same in all ages.
INFIDELIS.  Some people there were, of more refined




OF DEVILS.                    119
knowledge than their neighbors, who advised against the
trade of god-making, saying, " Ve must not bow down to
craven nor molten images, nor in any wise worship them."My priests, according to my directions, answered as fillows: "It is not the image which you worship, nor do you
at all bow your knee to it; but being emblematic of the
divine presence, it greatly assists you in your devotion."
This learned reasoning calmed the consciences of most of
the dissenters, won them over to the religion by law established, and greatly wrought for the good of the church.
DISCORDANS. Why, sir, that is the very apology which
the papists make for image worship, relic adoration, &c.
but indeed it is no wonder, seeing their religion is one and
the same with that of the pagans.
INFIDELIS. Some few there were, rigid nonconformists,
who insisted that God must be worshipped in spirit and in
truth; insisted that all idolatrous lumber should be cast out
of the temple; by which the worthy clergymen, of that
age, were so grievously galled, that they were forced, in
a pious and tender manner, first to give up the heretics to
the devil and then put the flesh to death for the salvation
of the soul: in the very same manner (and for much the
same cause) as the holy Romish fathers excommunicated
and burned the Protestants. But the devil knows, by his
experience, that the church has not half the power she pretends to; for out of the vast numbers, which she hath generously given to him, it is but a very few he hath been able
to receive. Notwithstanding, both the pagan, papal, and
other churches, have hereby shown the good will, which,
all along, they have borne to him and his interest.
Having fairly introduced idolatry, I tried, if possible, to
lead men further off from their Maker still; and for this
end, I brought in gods and goddesses, a numerous train.
For instance, if any man was more remarkable than others,
for murdering his neighbors, or for giving large gifts to the
church, that is, the clergy, I got him deified as soon as he
died, and had worship offered to him, in the same degree
with saint-worship in the church of Rome; for saint-worship and hero-worship, differ only in name.
Indeed, it is but doing justice to saints, in the Romish
calendar to observe, that the greatest part of them obtain
ed their saintship for murdering of princes, massacring




120                  DIALOGUES
Protestants, robbing their heirs for the good of the church,
or for raving mad enthusiasm. Well, I went on and pros
pered, until I had brought all the world, a few individuals
excepted, to worship the works of the mason, carpenter,
blacksmith, or founder. Encourage but any trade, and it is
sure to prosper: the god-making trade, being universally
encouraged, prospered exceedingly; for in a little time
there were national gods, much the same with the sevenchampions of Christendom; provincial gods; county gods
parish gods; and even household gods, to the great emolument of the clergy. I think, gentlemen, you must all allow,
that I have not spent my time in idleness among mankind.
FASTOSVS. No, no; brother, idleness don't suit you and
me. WVe will leave it to foolish men and women so to
spend their lives; but we will fulfil the old proverb used
among them, viz. The devil is never idle. Let them enjoy
their idleness in this world; we shall very likely find them
enough to do in the next. U
INFIDELIS. I think it is something more than seventeen
hundred and sixty years ago that I had a trial of a very extraordinary nature to grapple with, such as I never had before then, nor ever shall encounter while I breathe the sulphurous smoke of the pit. Oh, it was a sore trial, gentlemen. Immanuel, a very dear lover of men, having sat on
the circle of heaven for near four thousand years, with
much relenting of mind, and longings for human happiness,
from thence beheld the dreadful havoc I made in the world,
rendering the whole posterity of Adam the children of
wrath. Often did he call to the inhabitants of the earth to
take me up, and burn me for a witch; but they were too
much my friends to regard his advice: and, indeed, had
they regarded it, it would have been an undertaking such
as they could not execute without auxiliary strength. He
sat long, and long he wondered that there was no friend, to
help against so potent an adversary; when at last he saw
there were none to help, he arose from his jasper seat, and
in a transport of love, declared that his own arm should
bring salvation. According to this high determination, he
dismantled hilself of the robes of manifest glory, laid aside
his imperial diadem, which irradiates all the coasts of light,
posted down to this world, on the wings of compassion, resolved to encounter me by dying.




OF DEVILS.                    121
Alarmed at such an unprecedented enterprise, I dispatched our swift-winged courier, with all possible speed, to hell,
to inform my great father, and the infernal divan, of the astonishing event. As soon as Fame reported her story, the
monarch summoned his peers, to meet him in the flaming
council chamber, there to deliberate on the matter; and
having maturely weighed every circumstance of it, it was
resolved to dispatch the devil Malevolus to Fastosus and
me, with directions suitable to the occasion. That he, with
Ambitiosus, Perfidia, Falax, and me, should take up our
residence at Jerusalem, with the scribes, pharisees, and
doctors of the law.  We immediately obeyed our instructions, and succeeded admirably in our embassy.  At the
same time, Crudelis and Concupiscentia were appointed
plenipotentiaries to the tetrarchical court of Galilee, where
they received infallible testimonies of Herod's esteem.
Against the time that Immanuel was to be revealed,
Herod admitted our cousin Suspiciosus to frequent audiences, of which the devil Crudelis, to his everlasting honor,
greatly availed himself He persuaded the tetrarch, that,
ior his own safety, it was highly necessary he should kill,
destroy, and cause to perish, all the children in Bethlehem,
from two years old, and under, in order that young Irnmanuel, who was formerly called the Ancient of Days, might
be involved in the general massacre. This was the opening
of our evangelic campaign; since which time. we have
caused the sheddinl  of as much Christian blood, as, if collected into one mlass, would make a tide as deep as ever was
seen at London-bridgFe.
At tiis time there appeared one John Baptist, a zealous
Nazarene, and harbinger to Imnmanuel.  He was likely to
do great injury to our interest; therefore it was thought
best to have him destroyed, which, by thy means, Discordans, we happily accomplished in part. Perhaps, Discordans,
you can give a better account of that affair than I, as you
were more deeply concerned in it.
DISCORDANS. I do not know that, uncle; but I am ready
to tell you what hand I had in it. You all know the man,
and a trusty friend of ours he was, as any in his day. You
know he most inordinately loved Herodias, his own brother
Philip's wife; and by the direction of our friend Concupiscentia, he added incest to his adultery, by taking her to his
L




122                    DIALOGUES
bed. It was about this time, that this famous Baptist, the
founder of the sect called by his name, began his public
ministry; and, fearless of man, exclaimed against all manner
of uncleanliness; for he was faithful to his commission.
Well, this same austere Baptist took occasion one day, in
the following manner, to reprove the tetrarch for his lewdness; " Ierod, sail he, the God who made thee, hath, for
his own glory, exalted thee to the tetrarchical dignity; but,
far from studying his honor, thou actest most unworthily,
and turnest his goodness to thee into wantonness. Dost not
thou know, that the same God who made thee ruler in Galilee, hath said, " Thou shalt not commit adultery." Put her
therefbre away from  thee; if thou dost not, thou must expect, that the Most High will mingle for thee the cup of
his indignation."
I was then at the court of Galilee, and did not ftil to improve the Baptist's admonition to the most fatal purposes. I
transformed myself into the likeness of a grave courtier, a
forin very familiar to me, went up to the king, and held my
inverting mirror before his eyes, bidding him to take a full
view of the matter thus.  As my humble servant he did as
[ directed, and immediately said, "I perceive this fieldpreacher, this same Baptist, is an enemy to the Roman government, and, because I am a friend to Ccsar, he hath
taken this advantage against me doubtless to prejudice the
minds of the people, either to the divesting me of the tetrarchical power, or to the subversion of Caesar's government."
When I had brought hin thus to misconstrue the honest
designs of the Baptist, I held my partial telescope to his
eye, through which he looked with great attention, and as
he looked said, " What a presumptuous wretch is this, to
take upon him to reprove me! Me, who am his lord and
master, and can soon destroy both him  and his father's
house.  Must Herod be reproved by this despicable fellow
with the rough garment! Is it now so low with Casar's
deputy, the tetrarch of Galilee, that he must mildly bear
the insolence of every snarling peasant? No, it is inconsistent with our dignity, to let such daring boldness pass with
impunity.  If a courtier, or nobleman clothed in soft raiment, had taken a little liberty with me, it might have been
borne.  But for this field-preacher! This Baptist, hall!"




OF DEVILS.                    123
By this time the great Revenge, that famoas devil,
whose history is so tragical, thought it time for him to appear at court, and as soon as he judged it convenient, thus
accosted the offended king.  "AMy lord the king, if your
highness suffers such insolence as this to go unpunished,
your nobles will contemn you; every paltry priest will say,
Yonder goes the incestuous Herod; ay, the very publicans
uand lferodians will allege, that you are unworthy of the
digunitv you sustain, and all will censure your pusillanimity,
in letting such daring insolence pass with impunity.  Renlember, my lord, that if wide-mouthed fame should, as is
very likely, report the matter in Casar's ear, it is ten to
one but he will cashier you, either for your reputed incest,
or your want of' magnanimity. Sir, for your honor's sake,
cast John into prison." Herod was easily persuaded, and
John was committed to jail.
On mature deliberation, however, he was afraid of putting him to death, for he knew that the people had a good
opinion of the renowned Baptist; therefore he lived in
prison, notwithstanding Revenge made daily solicitation for
his blood. On every occasion when he met with Herod, he
thus accosted him, "Well, sir, is the Baptist dead yet?
What! not yet, sir? What do you mean by sparing him so
long, sir? I assure you, sir, he ought to die for his insolence. Sir, his crime is no less than high treason against
your person." Thus he plied him daily.
It happened, at a certain time, that Herod made a great
festival in honor of his own name, which festival proved
fatal to the innocent Baptist; for, ever since he had given
offince, the devil Revenge had taken up his lodgings with
Herodias the tetrarchess.  She very well knew how foolishly precipitate Herod was wont to be in his wine, and
how much his eye was to be allured with a well-performed
dance, especially if performed by a handsome young lady.
Not at all doubting but Herodina her daughter, would captivate the king, so far as to bring about the much desired
death of John Baptist, she decked her in superb array, instructed her what to ask, if hle should be pleased with her,
then led her into the hall, where Herod and his nobles were
caroeisinig.  There she footed the hornpipe with such exactness, that the mistaken eve of the tetrarch took her for
a divinity, and swore that he would offer a great sacrifice




124                   DIALOGUES
to her, to the value of one-half of his kingdom, if her high.
ness would only deign to inform him what sacrifices were
most acceptable to her. She replied, " Human sacrifices are
my delight. Give me then the Baptist's head in a charrer."
Now there began a horrid scuffle in the tetrarch's breast.
If he fulfilled rot his oath, he thought he lost his reputation
with his nobles, who sat at table with him; and if he did
behead John Baptist, according to his oath, he exposed himself to the resentment of the people.
In the midst of this scuffle, in came Revenge, and addressed the king-" I assure you, sir, Jolbn deserves a thousand deaths, for his insolence to your highness."  " Besides,
said Fastosus, who was then at court, the great tetrarch
hath no way left but this to preserve his own character unblamed." Then cried Herod, " Who will go for us to prison,
and behead the Baptist." To which Crudelis replied, " Here
am I, send me." Accordingly, having obtained Herod's consent, (for we can do nothing against mankind but by their
own consent,) he went and beheaded Immanuel's harbinger.
Thus, gentlemen, you see, that by my famous instruments, false reasoning and prejudice, 1 cause offence to be
taken where there is none intended. John only fulfilled his
divine mission, and sought the good of the tetrarch, by calling him to repentance; but my mirror interpreted his honesty into treachery and insolence; which clearly shows that
it changeth the appearance, quite contrary to the nature of
things. But, reverend uncle, I prevent your proceeding with
your story.
INFIDELIS. The cumbersome Baptist thus dispatched, we
united all our forces against Immanuel himself, who was by
the Jews called Jesus of Nazareth.  Many were the conferences which we had with the Jewish rabbins, doctors,
priests, scribes, and pharisees, in which all our debates turned
upon that object of our common hatred. The high-priest,
Fastosus, Malevolus, and me, were always placed at the
head of the assembly, and every article was finally referred
to us for decision.  The venerable high-priest addressing
himself to me, asked what I thought concerning the pretensions of this Galilean? To whom I replied, " If it please
your reverence, I think he is an arrant impostor; fbr his
father you know, and his mother you know, his brethren
and sisters are they not all with you? But, continued I, when




OF DEVILS.                    125
Messiah shall come, no man can tell whence he cometh,
nor whither he goeth."  Gentlemen, you will always know
my style by its elegance, wherever you meet with it, should
it be even in the volume of revelation.
FASTrSUS. I well remember these things, and the learned
oration which, at that time, I made in the Sanhedrim; and
now we are associated in such a friendly manner, I have a
good mind to repeat it to you. You have it in the following manner: " Hearken to me, ye righteous teachers of the
law, the virtuous governors of the Lord's inheritance, and
I will unfold to you a just state of the matter. You all know
that the expected Messiahl shall descend from a virgin princess, of the lineage of David; but is this the son of a princess? Is his mother a virgin, being the wile of a carpenter " Here you will observe how I led them  off from the
truth, by attending to appearances rather than reality; for
Mary, the mother of Jesus, was actually a princess of the
line of David, though obscure, and actually a virgin when
he was conceived, though after that the wife of a carpenter. Every circumstance attending his birth, corresponded
exactly with ancient predictions recorded in the Bible;
though, by the way, it was by no means suited to the expectation of the Jews. But, to my great mortification, I
must confess, that although the great men of the earth rejected him, the angels of heaven descended to hymn their
new-born Lord. The constellations of the firmament showed
forth the birth of Messiah.  Eastern sages heard the pro
clamation of the stars, and came to the city of Bethlehem,
to offer oblations to the incarnate source of life.
So very clear indeed are the Old Testament prophecies,
concerning this affair, that the generality of the Jews were,
at that time, in full expectation of the coming of Messiah 
thereifre it required great address sufficiently to blind theni
eyes, that they should not see and know him when lie came
to which purpose my speech was wonderfully adapted
"You krinw, and all the holy rabbins know, continued 1
that Messiah shall come in power and great glory; shal
break the iron yoke of Roman servitude from off your necks
an  exalt the throne of David, his illustrious ancestor, high
above the thrones of the kings of the earth, giving to his
nappy subjects dominion and great glory, subjecting to youi
government all those who wish your destruction.  Worthy
L2




126                     DIALOGUES
assembly, said 1, you have chosen the great Fastosus as your
president and director.  1Hearken, therefore, to me, and 1
will show you my opinion, concerning your expected Messiah, and his appearance among you.  It is most probable,
that when he comes, he will be born of illustrious parents,
in the family of David, and when grown mature in years,
you may expect to see meet in him, a combination of all
great and good qualities.  By his wistomn and progwess, he
will rekindle the martial spirit of the Jewisl warriors, leading the armies of Israel to glory and conquest, and his throne
shall be exalted above all the kin tdoms of the earth.  You
may therefore expect that when MIessialh shill coime to your
deliverance, you shall see an iliustrious prince, attended by
a warlike retinue, breathing  venr'eance gailinst your enemies.  But can this be hin? could the i:iessiah, tiink you,
find nobody but poor shepherds to be the publishers of his
birth? More likely, if Jesus ha  ied eed been the Jessiah,
lie would have made choice of your reverences for his heralds.  Can it ever be supposed, rnv venerable rabbins, that
an obscure person, attended by a fe- despicable fi:lhermlen,
can have any legal pretensions to the vacant throne of illustrious David? Or can it ever be tholhr!t, that the son of a
Galilean carpenter, attended by a fw e o the riff'raf' of the
people, is likely to restore the kingdom to Israel?
Besides, continued 1. let him be what he may, it would
bring dishonor on the princes of Israel, should they s kbmit
to be governed by the son of a mechanic
Who knows but the coming of Messiah rmay be yet nore
glorious, and ye shall see the heavens opeo over your. ads.
lie shall appear in the firmament, guarded orl  ri ht an  left
by innumerable battalions of armed seraphs, a tlh wvho., he
may descend and stand upon the mount of Glives, befort: he
shall make his triumphant entry into the holy metropolis
of Jewry. Then shall he dispatch his flaming, soldiers, with
full commission to kill, destroy, and cause to perih all such
stubborn Gentiles, who refuse to submit to the J-ewish empire, now become universal.  Your enemies all destroyed,
great shall be your felicity and glory, for he shall reign
among you in righteousness, peace, and glorious prosperity,
unto all generations.
To whom, my worthy rabbins, will he come, but to Se"h
generation of righteous men as yourselves? Ye yourselvea




OF DEVIL,.                    127
are witnesses of your own righteousness and devotion. None
say lonker prayers; none give alms more publicly than you
do.  So great is your zeal for religion, that ye rob widows'
houses for the g'ood of the church. So pious your example,
that my life for it, it will be imitated by the clergy in aftet
ages. Your wicked ancestors fell very far short of your piety;
for they lulle  the prophets, and stoned thern who were sent
unto ttet l; but your reverences so far abominate their murderous l deeds, that you build and beautify their sepulchres.
Youf may sailly conclude, that you are the righteous generation to wtlomn the Messiah will come."  Thus I swelled
th'ir cx:pectttions so very great, that, when the real Messiah w\vs actually among them, they reviled him as the worst
of' im;)osto:'s.
NFIimELIS. The great Fastosus and me, having showed
our opinion, the devil Malevolus was humbly requested to
speak his rmin:l. And he, by this time, was in a transport
of rage; boisterously cried out, "Away with him for an imposing villain!  If he were the Messiah, would you ever
find him coming out of Galilee?  Search, and you will see
that out of Galilee ariseth no prophet; neither can any good
thing come from  thence.  Were I in your places, I would
rather be subject to the Romans for ever, than suffer this
fellow to reign over me. I hate his person; I hate his attendants; I hate his laws and doctrines; and, above all, I
hate his pretensions to the crown of Israel.  It were low
times with you indeed, if an obscure carpenter should be
exalted to the throne, to reign over the Lord's inheritance."
FASTOSUS. It is time for us to attend our industrious subjects.  Shall we meet here to-morrow, at noon, as usual!
All. Agreed, sir.  We will meet.




128                   DIALOGUES
DIALOGUE X.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
As soon as the infernal gentry decamped, I went home,
and found our parish priest at my house. I thought this a
good opportunity of acquainting him  with my adventure:
but he concluded, with the rest of my neighbors, that my
brain was disturbed, and that those imaginary gentry were
only the fruits of distraction.  However, as I thou aht rmv.
self capable of judging between imagination and reality, I left
the parson to his mistake; went to my closet to correct what
I had taken down in the former part of the day; and got all
ready by the next day at noon, to listen to the sable gentry.
Exactly at noon they came; for I found them exceedingly
punctual one with another. As soon as they were seated on
their ebon thrones, they resumed their discourse; and Infide.
lis thus began.
INFIDELIS. It happened that the venerable rabbins held
another council, to assist at which, the devils, Falax and
Perfidiosus were invited. In this august assembly, the main
thing to be considered was, by what possible means, right or
wrong, they might persecute and destroy Jesus of Nazareth
from the face of the earth.  The great rabbins and doctors,
by this time, began to fear that if some decisive step was
not speedily taken, all the country would becomre Nazarenes.
This induced them to apply to those vorthy spirits, (who are
known to be excellent contrivers) and fervently solicit their
assistance. And, as they are by no means bashful, they very
soo0n gave the hig'h sanhedrim satisfaction.
"Venerable rabbins, said they, we are apprehensive that
it will be very difficult to accomplish any thing acainst this
Jesus of Nazareth, unless we can stir up enemies against
him, among those of his own household, and cause sonl?,
who eat bread at his table, to lift up their heel against
him; for you all know his conduct is perfectly unbll1llaable.
Now we have, at no rgreat distance, a notable limb of the
devil, trained up in all the mazes of deep deceit and treachery, fitted for such perdition.  Him will we persuade to ingratiate himself into the favor of Jesus. and to become one




OF DEVILS.                   129
of his train. When this is done, he shall act the traitor, and
betray him into your hands, nothing doubting but you will
then take care to destroy his life, how innocent soever he
may be."
"Certainly we will, rejoined the high priest; for it is expedient that one should die for the people."  Accordingly
the devil was dispatched to this son of treachery, whose name
w.as Judas Iscariot, who, being a plodding covetous man, in
hope of getting a bag of money, took his instructions from
Perfidiosus, went and joined himself to the train of Jesus,
and obtained a part in the apostolic ministry. In the mean
time, we, and the auxiliary Jews, did all in our power to prevent the advancement of his evangelic kingdom, by bringing the person and ministry of Jesus into as much contempt
as possible. Wre represented him as a glutton, a drunkard, a
Samaritan, a wizard; and, in short, every thing that was
bad. His doctrine we represented as subversive of the law;
notwithstanding we knew him to be holy, harmless, and undefiled, separate from sinners; that he came to magnify the
law, and make it honorable. Because his works were such
as carried their own evidence with them, and which could
by no means be contested, we persuaded many of the Jews,
that they were performed by the power of Beelzebub.
Others, who were better informed, being stirred up by the
devil Malevolus, out of pure malice, fell in with the common cry, and defamed him as one who had intercourse with
Satan; and thus they sealed themselves ours; as we need
never fear losing a man after he is capable of such transactions.
IMPIATOR. And who were they chiefly, father, who thus
acced the devil' part so perfectly as to sin unpardonably.
INFIDELIS. Not the vulgar, who knew not the law, I assure
you; but men of priestly reverence, gentlemen in holy orders, gentlemen venerable for their erudition and literature;
the doctors in divinity, the scribes of the law, the religious
pharisees were the men, and their descendants have in every
age been their humble imitators.  It is unknown how much
the devil has been obliged to gentlemen of the gown, and
to scholiasts in general.
It happened, in process of time, our friend Judas found
an opportunity to betray him into the hands of the principal
priests, for the goodly reward of thirty pieces of silver; for




130                   DIALOGUES
even Judas would not serve the devil for nothing. At the
same time my son Slavish Fear, who is a spirit of gigantic
stature, fell upon and routed all his followers, so that none
of them remained with him in his last temptations. As soon
as Immanuel was seized and fettered, they led him in triumph to prison and judgment, where our steady friends,
Hatred and Falshood, were appointed witnesses against him
in behalf of the commonwealth.  So very hard did they
swear against him, that he was brought in guilty of death,
as had been agreed on beforehand. As soon as the jury of
priests brought in their verdict, the devil Crudelis, and Pilate, who sat judge, arose and gave sentence against him;
which, for its singularity, I shall repeat.
1. That the Jewish plowers should make their furrows
long and deep in his devoted flesh.
2. That his face should be marred with shame and spitting.
3. That his cheek should be bruised by the slavish hand
of the barbarous smiter.
4. That he should be delivered over, for further torment,
to those who pluck off the hair.
5. That, in mark of the greatest contempt, his temples
should be torn with a mock crown of piercing thorns.
6. That he should be crushed to the earth beneath the
weight of the cross, to which he was to be nailed for exe-'.ution.
7. That, in his extreme torture, he should have no drink.
but the sourest vinegar mixed with gall.
S. That, in the most barbarous manner which devils, priests,
and soldiers could devise, his mangled body should be stretched upon and nailed to the accursed wood. And,
9. As unworthy of either, that he should be lifted up betwixt heaven and earth, a spectacle to devils and men, and
there hang till he was dead.
As soon as the sentence was denounced, the devil Malevo1us cried out, "Away with him! soldiers, away with him!
Comne, let us crucify him. THis sentence is by far too mild.
Away with the varlet to Calvary." So they led him away
to crucifixion.
At the same time our infernal nobility were struck with
amazement, at the seeming power which man had gained
over Immanuel; and great Beelzebub, in the milst of hit




OF DEVILS.                    131
astonishment, thus addressed his senators:' Once was the
memorable time that we made such an attempt to subvert
the government of God, by resisting the power of Immanuel;
but great was our defeat, and dismal our overthrow.  Olr
designs were not only frustrated, but we ourselves, in the
height of our confusion, fiercely hurled from the resplendent summit of primeval glory, into the yawning gulf of unfathornable perdition, where we are still reserved in these
horrible chains, to the judgment of the great and terribl
day:-a day, the very thoughts of which make this noble
fiame of mine to tremble as the quaking asp.  But how it
comes to pass I know not, these earth-born sons of ours seem
exceedingly to surpass us in power: for I saw Immanuel
stand fettered at their bar; dumb as a sheep before her
shearers, he opened not his mouth.  I am much afraid there
is some hidden mystery in it.-    What is this?      My
undaunted mind is not wont to misgive me thus!
What can this unusual tremor, which now invades my heart,
portend 1-I hate timidity, and yet T cannot help fearing,
that this commotion of my intellects is ominous of some
event, fatal to our interest.
" I cannot deem  it possible that the God of heaven and
earth would patiently submit to such indignities, had he not
some ends to answer by it, to which we at present are
strangers. Often have I prophesied true; but 0 may my
prophetic mind be mistaken in its present timorous forebodings! Meanwhile, let us, my infernal brethren, harden
ourselves in despair; for it is now long since hope took
wing and fled from these dreary mansions.  Strong in fury,
and fired with revenge, let us quit ourselves like devils and
avowed enemies of righteousness. As for me, I hold it good
that we instantly fly to the assistance of our devoted friends
the Jews.  Iaving this unexpected opportunity, let us not
fail to improve it to the best advantage;  let it not be owing
to our negligence, if the state of Immanuel be not overturned. Let us not have the hell to reflect, that we omitted
any thing which might tend to promote the interest of darkness."
Great Beelzebub finishing here, and his motion being
universally approved of, all the legions of reprobate angels,
a few excepted, who were left to look after the affairs of the
damned, took wing for earth, to assist at so very amazing an




132                  DIALOGUES
execution.  Arrived at Calvary, they formed themselves
into an invisible ring around the elevated cross, where, to
their unspeakable astonishment and wonder, hung Immanuel,
the maker of the world; and you may be assured they did
not fail, as far as it was in the power of fallen spirits, to
torment his oppressed soul. Ay, ay, so successful were we
devils, priests, and soldiers that day, that no less was hoped
for than a decisive victory over the Son of God.
But, how shall I speak it  to the everlasting mortifica
tion of the infernal peers, just as Immanuel was, to all appearance, ready to expire, on a sudden he exerted his mighty
power, seized old Beelzebub and dashed him against the
cross, then casting him to the earth, he so bruised the head
of the serpent with his heel, that there is great reason tc
believe he will never recover as long as he lives. It would
have grieved the heart of the very Crudelis himself, to see
the abuse which our great and venerable parent received
on that occasion.
IMPIATOR. Well, sire, I cannot but think how truly the
prophetic mind of Beelzebub foreboded his misfortune. But
what were the rest of the chiefs a-doing l Why did not all
the veterans flee to his assistance?
INFIDELIS. A pertinent question, indeed, considering by
whom it is made, my son. But I assure you, we were never
so greatly mistaken in our days as at that time. For when
we thought ourselves sure of the victory, to our sad experience we learned, that Immanuel was the strongest in
death. For even when he was dying, he laid us all under
the most perfect arrest; none of us could take one step,
either backward or forward, but as he gave permission; so
that, being spoiled of all our power, we could not help ourselves, much less the afflicted prince. This done, he cried
out with a voice which shook the very foundations of both
earth and hell, "It is finished," and was then conveyed by
death into an invisible state.
This done, once more we thought the day our own. But
here, I cannot omit that fearful stagnation of nature which
happened then, and the set of new preachers which were introduced. For, when all under our influence had forsaken
Immanuel, who was betrayed by one, denied by another,
and forsaken by all his preachers, the indignant sun could
not endure that sight; as if angry and ashamed at the pro



OF DEVILS.                   133
ceedings of the sons of men, he covered his face with a sa.
ble cloud, and denied one smiling ray to delinquent earth
whilst his Lord was ignominiously crucified. As if it had
been seized with uncommon tremor, the earth itself fell
into a fit of violent convulsions, the mountains reeled, the
rocks rent, the graves opened, the dead arose, and all to
preach the sufferings of the God of nature. An invisible
hand rent the veil of the temple, that cloth of extraordinary
texture, in twain, from the top to the bottom; and a voice
was heard to say, " The glory is departed from Israel, and
now the most holy place is laid open."
Death having conveyed Immanuel to its lonely mansions,
the resolute, though maimed Beelzebub, our great prince,
recovered himself as much as was possible, his head being
incurably broken; mustered his maimed forces and went to
the assistance of Death, if possible, to keep Immanuel fast
prisoner in the silent tomb. Nothing doubting, but if this
could be, we should render all that he had heretofore done
and suffered, null and void. The better to succeed in this
important enterprise, we sealed the door of the sepulchre
and set a watch of faithful soldiers, instructed by the chief
of the Jewish priests; and still to make the security stronger,
every fiend did his utmost to impose weights on the buried
body of Immanuel, to prevent his resurrection from the solitary grave.
But, to our eternal confusion, on the third day of his invisible state, he arose, shook himself from the dust, came to
the door of the sepulchre, burst it open, and laid hold on
Death, who stood as sentinel next to the door of the tomb,
trampled him under his feet, and, by main force, wrenched
from him his poisonous sting, that sad repository of all his
strength. This done he said, "Henceforth, monster, hast
thou no power over the people for whom I have died." Then
he broke impetuously through all the lines of martial infernals, who stood in firm phalanx around the tomb, and seized
the lately wounded chief, who was very ill with a fever in
his mind, arising from his disaster upon Mount Calvary.
He took the fiend, the great Beelzebub, chained him to the
axle of his chariot, mounted his seat, and rode triumphantly
thrugh the gathering crowds of joyful saints, who on golden
pinions descended from heaven, in solemn strains, to hymn
their all-conquering and triumphant Redeemer.
M




134                   DIALOGUES
O my friends, my dear infernals, it must have pierced
vour hearts with the most poignant sorrow, to see him dragged in triumph through all the hosts of saints and angels,
who fearless stood in blazing ranks to see the longed fot
solemnity; and, at the same time, to see our beloved friend
Death lie gasping for life at the door of the sepulchre. Great
was the confusion of the infernal brigades, when they saw
their principalities spoiled, and Death and Satan so terribly
handled: yea, so tremendous was their amazement, that to
escape the avenging hand of risen Immanuel, they retreated
even to the nethermost depths of hell, and his scattered disciples again resorted to his erected standard. But the
greatest disappointment and consternation was, when we
understood that after all our diligence and hazardous exploits,
we, with our auxiliary priests, &c. had done nothing, but
what the hand and counsel of God had predetermined should
be done; that by our seeming victory over Immanuel, he
had for ever subdued us under his fiet; and that all our
hatred, envy and cruelty, was fully recompensed into our
own bosoms; now deeper damned than ever.
AVARO. Ha! father, these were troubles indeed, such as
do not happen every day: but it is not for us to desist from
tempting when our designs miscarry; then should we not
act the part of desperadoes, such as we are.
INFIDELIS. Ah, gentlemen, great was the cause of my
dismay; for Immanuel gave such demonstration of his
Messiahship, that all which was written in the prophets
concerning him, was exactly fulfilled in his life and death.
Yea, so very striking was the evidence, that many cried,
"Truly this is a just man;" and others, "Truly this is the
Son of God." Therefore I greatly feared that all the world
would become believers in him, and consequently shake oft
my yoke. But I was much obliged to my good friends, the
Jewish clergymen; for their reverences greatly befriended
me, and warmly espoused my interest; exerted their utmo-t
power to establish the throne of great Infidelis, and to destroy the early seeds of Christianity, sown by Immanuel, and
now beginning to grow.
Immanuel having, in opposition to all the powers of darkness, finished the work for which he came down to the earth,
he triumphantly ascended to his native heaven, to the pri




OF DEVILS.                    135
meval embraces of his Eternal Father, and assumed all tle
ensigns of empyrean glory.
Soon after this, the high festival of pentecost drew on, and
[, as formerly, attended at Jerusalem, in the midst of many
thousands, whd, according to the law, came up to worship
upon that occasion, not only from Judea, but fiom nations
very remote. I dreaded no harm at the hands of a few illiterate fishermen, having not been informed that any of the
rulers, or of the scribes and pharisees, had believed in Jesus;
and therefore was at no pains to prevent the multitude
copling up to the solemnity as usual. But here was another
shock my kingdom sustained; for Peter, the fisherman, who,
so very lately, like a dastard, impiously denied his Lord with
profane oaths, now filled with the Holy Ghost, stood up in
the midst, and clearly proved that Jesus was the very Messiah; and upon this occasion played off the heavy artillery
of Sinai on the consciences of my people, which was attended
with success so fatal to me, that no less than three thousand
were pierced through the heart at once, and fell on the fielc
of action. Now it was that my evil apprehensions were
again alarmed, plainly perceiving, that the artillery of the
word was levelled against my person, and that the first end
of the gospel was the subversion of my diabolical government. However, I drew up all the forces which I possibly
could, in the hurry of that surprise, my soldiers crying out
as they gave the volley, " These men are drunken with new
wine." It was but a poor opposition to doctrine so powerful,
I allow; but it was the best that could at that time be made;
for we were obliged to retreat in much confusion, and leave
the Christian fishermen masters of the field.
As soon as we were a little recovered from the disorder
into which that unexpected misfortune had plunged us, I
summoned a council of war, in which the self-righteous
Jews were the principal, next to our infernal train. I myself gave special orders, that some method should be concerted effectually to destroy the name of Jesus; for, said 1,
"If we let them alone, all the people will believe in their
doctrine." In this council it was resolved, to raise an army
of those who were the greatest adversaries to the name of
Jesus, to whom orders should be given to kill, destroy, and
cause to perish, all who believed in this way, until the
Christian religion should be banished fron the face of the




136                  DIALOGUES
earth. This army was raised, and the command given to
Saul of Tarsus; at that time a mighty zealot for us, and
who, for a season, made dreadful havoc of all that believed
contrary to the faith of the priests. For it ought to be olserved, that the opinion of the priests has been esteemed
true orthodoxy, and the only faith, in all ages and countries
But here another sad disappointment and loss befell me;
for as this sa.me captain Saul was on his march to Damascus, to fight a pitched battle with the Christians, it so fel
out that Immanuel himself was taking a tour in the valley
to see how the pomegranates budded, and falling in with
trusty Saul on his journey, unveiled his own personal excellencies to him, and laid him under an immediate arrest. As
soon as he saw the beauties of Immanuel, he felt the most
sincere esteem for his person, and conceived the most exalted sentiments of his friendship and love. Yea, he was
even so much grieved that ever he had drawn his sword
against him, that he renounced the service of Infidelis on
the spot, took the oath of allegiance to Jesus, and thenceforward hated my person and government with the most
perfect hatred, and did what he could to overturn our state
and subvert our government.
Immanuel having the most tender regard for Saul, gave
him a new name written upon a white stone, appointed him
one of his prime ministers, and sent him on an embassy to
my subjects to negotiate a revolt from me.
You cannot conceive the astonishment the Jewish clergy
were in, when swift-winged fame arrived and blowed abroad
in every street, that Saul, who was formerly so zealous for
our interest, was now become a ringleader of the sect of
Nazarenes, and was likely to do us more mischief than all
who had gone before him.
By this time several of the Jewish rabbins rebelled
against me, and joined themselves to the Nazarenes, who
now made it their whole business to go from place to place
exhorting my subjects to revolt, exposing my deforrity an
devilishness, to all they met with. 0! those were trying
times: for notwithstanding we had forces out against them
in every quarter of the world, to impede their progress, the
word of God by their means prevailed in such a manner,
that it was beyond our power to suppress it: for, if we
ourned one Nazarene, two more presently sprang up out of




OF DEVILS.                    137
his ashes.  Even Rome itself, then the metropolis of the
world and seat of pagan virtue; and Athens, where Minerva was said to have been trained up, were soon infested
with this new doctrine, and very considerable numbers in
them, durst oppose our government and dispute our title to
empire; even alleging that the wisdom  of this world is
foolishness with God, and that all pagan virtue is but dross.
and dung in comparison of the gospel of Christ Jesus.
However, to cut my story as short as may be, after many
hundred thousands of the Nazarenes were slain, my subjects became weary of the war.  By this time they saw
clearly that persecuting them  to death only served to increase their number and strength: so that if those restless
devils, Malevolus and Crudelis, would have been quiet,
they would gladly have dropped their weapon, and agreed
to a cessation of hostilities with the Christians.
IMPIATOR. Little judgment as I am allowed to have of
historical affairs, I myself have seen what effect opposition
usually hath upon that class of people; for if in any place
where my standard is more eminently elevated, there happened to be any of that sect, you shall find them more fervent in their study of virtue, and zealous in their opposition to me, than in those provinces where Morality or Civility preside.  Ah! gentlemen, we have had trying times
pass over us.
INFIDELIS. Trying times indeed. For notwithstanding
the fervent zeal of Malevolus and Crudelis, the many sore
campaigns they had served so enervated their arms, that,
although their principles remained implacable, they were
even obliged to sit down in despair of ever being able to
extirpate the religion of Jesus from the world.
But my fertile brain soon produced fresh devices. Seeing
many of my temples forsaken, and my idols without mercy thrown to the pavement, I began to think of other expedients to impede the progress of Christianity. I laboied to
introduce Ease, and her handmaid Prosperity, among the
Christians, not without hope, that when they were full they
would forget their God. The better to favor this deep contrivance, I persuaded the valiant Crudelis to scabbard his
sword for a season, and leave the people of our heart to the
possession of their tranquillity.
It was not long that this scheme had been put in prac
M 2




138                   DIALOGUES
tice, ere I began to reap the fruit of my wisdom; for Ease
and Prosperity wrought more to my advantage, than all the
excursions of the devil Crudelis.  When they were at ease
from the lash of persecution, they were foolish enough to
quarrel among themselves, grievously bit and devoured one
another, the cause of their strife for the most part being,
who should be the greatest.
FASTOSUS. A very important question, much canvassed,
but never as yet resolved. Had I been a clergyman instead
of a devil, I had certainly been a great casuist in this part
of school theology   Never was a point of doctrine more
belabored certainly than this, and never were people more
divided in sentiments than about this resolution, even from
the great church of Turkey down to the smallest dissenting congregation. The divines of the established church in
T'urkey stand stiffly to it, that Mahomet and themselves
oughalt to preside over all the believing world. The doctors
of France, Spain and Italy, are as firmly persuaded that
pre-eminence is due to none but his holiness and themselves, and that all who are not of the same opinion, are
certainly in a state of damnation.
As for their reverences in England, though they will
deny no honor to his popeship, which really is his due, they
will submit to none as the leading priest but his Grace of
Canterbury, and consider that church which they are the
pillars of, as the purest establishment that the lower world
can boast of. Others indeed there are who greatly question
his Grace's right to preside, and therefore refuse to bow to
his mitre, and therefore resolving to be enslaved in their
own way. Hence, although the reverend members of the
associate synod cannot in conscience submit to the corrupt governors of the kirk of Scotland, all of whom they
have long since recommended to the care of the devil,
much less can they bow to a metropolitan, whom they call
the image of the pope, they can very cordially submit to
the government of the reverend Mr. Adam Gibb; because
they themselves had the pleasure of choosing him. That
goes a great way. And hence it is, every society has its
Pope. The venerable       of       at      submit for the
same reason to the great -; and the      of —  to the
rev. -: so that, it is not submission itself that is objected to, so much as the mode of it: tor gentlemen will be




OF DEVILS                    139
submissive enough, may they but choose a pope for them.
selves. But remember this, whoever is chosen the pope of
a party, is by his partisans always deemed the greatest.
For instance, at the foundary, none is so great as the Rev.
Mr. John Wesley, sometime fellow of Lincoln, Oxon.' And
it the  -   none ever preached or wrote like the great
-, D. D. author of -, and of -, and of -, &e
&c. &c. But amongst them all, a very few are found, who
consider Jesus Christ as the greatest, and who properly call
nim Master.
AVARo. I thought Immanuel had settled that point long
ago. Did he not establish this rule for the observance of
his disciples, " Whosoever will be great among you, let him
be your minister; and whosoever will be chief among you,
let him be your servant." Did not the divines abide by his
determination?
FASTOSUS. No, Avaro. Quite the reverse: for the schoolmen will have it, that he who is chief shall be lord over his
brethren. By these means they have annexed a certain degree of nobility to their religion, which Jesus never intended
to be joined with his. But we hinder the reverend Infidelis
proceeding with his story.
INFIDELIS. Those female fiends, the ladies Prosperity and
Ease, as plenipotentiaries for Beelzebub, made great proposals to them; and indeed they soon established kingdoms,
principalities, and powers, of the Christian name.
Then were the Christians able to maintain themselves
against their pagan neighbors, my professed subjects. This
I patiently bore, believing that the martial spirit of the
Christians a little indulged for the present, would greatly
make for our interest and tle final establishment of my
king;dom.
Those reverend ladies, Prosperity and Ease, had not been
long amongst them, ere many who bore the Christian name
were desirous of coming to terms of agreement with me;
out upon this express condition. "That in the treaty of
amity betwixt them and me, it should be stipulated that
they still be called by the name of Christ, for it was now
become scandalous to bear the name of another."  This
request I thought reasonable enough, and that to grant it
would be no very great concession on my part; therefore I
readily agreed, and the treaty was confirmed. It is an in



140                   DIALOGUES
variable rule with me, that it is not very mattrial whethea man is called a Christian or not, provided I have but safe
possession of his heart; for names do not change the nature
of things.
This amiable fiend, lady Prosperity, rested not in her
pleasing operations, until she had quite reduced the oriental
nations to such a degree of reason, that they petitioned my
personal return among them; and, as my loving subjects,
returned to their allegiance.  Having now secured the oriental, the splendid lady and me undertook the conquest of
the occidental church; and, the better to succeed in our
enterprise, we fixed our abode at Rome, famous both for ancient and modern paganism.  As for me, I knew it was necessary I should remain incognito, until a fair opportunity
should offer for my emerging out of darkness; but my lady
Prosperity decked herself in her richest attire and openly
resided among the Christians, who were so ravished with
her excellent beauties, that he was deemed the most happy
man who could prevail with her excellency to take up her
lodging in his house. Her ladyship, you know, is not to be
won by every one who addresses her.  Here she acted according to previous instructions, and made free with the
bishop's house as best suited to our purpose.
Wonderful were the works which she performed there;
for, at her first arrival, the bishop was no more than a plain,
honest man, having but one congregation in his diocese;
but first she created him Reverend; then his lordship; then
his grace; and after that, his holiness, &c. Indeed, the vast
dominion and immense revenues which she conferred on
him, so swelled the haughty prelate, that, not contented with
the honors then possessed, he claimed dominion over all as
the father of the whole world. Even this was short of giving content, unless he should also reign over heaven and
hell; therefore he hath seized the gates of both, and lets
in and out just whom he pleases.  Nothing short of arrogating to himself the prerogatives of the Almig-lity could
satisfy his ambition, such as his holiness, infallibility, supremacy, &c. The devil himself never aimed at higher
things. In the meanwhile, her ladyship, at her leisure hours,
waited on those who were of any account among the Christians, who, for the most part, had nothing of Christianity but'the name. Some, indeed, were firmly attached to Immanuel,




OF DEVILS.                    141
who could not be bribed even by her largest offers; but
their number was comparatively small.  Seeing the progress which Prosperity made, they went about the streets
complaining ii some such words as these: "This harlot,
Prosperity, will be the ruin of Christianity."
In process of time, I was sent for to the bishop's court, he
being entirely reconciled to me. The worthy prelate received me with all the reverence due to my person, and laid
before me a beloved scheme, which he had designed, and
of which he desired my opinion.
Having maturely digested his plan, I replied, "Worthy
and self-adoring sir, has your holiness power sufficient to
defend your deityship, providing your divinity should be
called in question." To which his holiness said: " Yes, yes,
yes, 1 have, I have. There are several potent princes, who
will conspire to make me omnipotent.  They will spend
their substance, depopulate their dominions, destroy their
bodies, damn their own souls, and the souls of their subjects, in defence of my godhead.  There are many wise
priests also, who will contribute all their wisdom, for their
own emolument, to make me omniscient or infallible." Having such an agreeable account of his holiness's affairs, I resolved all his scruples at once, for thus I addressed him:
" Most subtle of all the priests, if thus you are supported, I
think all things go very favorably. Therefore lose no time
in publishing to the world your excellent scheme of divinity; let it be proclaimed that henceforth you are no longer
man."
IMPIATOR. His holiness was in the right of it to disclaim
humanity. What mortal man was ever endowed with such
qualities as are his? What mere man was ever infallible 
Not Peter, he fell low enough. Infallibility is an essential
attribute of Godhead, and his holiness being possessed of
that, must needs be God. What man ever did, or ever will
reign with despotic power over all the priests and princes
of the earth, putting down one and exalting another at his
pleasure, like his holiness. It is by him that kings reign,
and princes decree judgment; and not by the Almighty, aa
formerly. Therefore his holiness can be no mortal man
And yet a mortal god is a strange sort of character.
INFIDELIS. The great priest thanked me for my good advice, secretly rer ounced the name of Jesus, and swore alle



142                    DIALOGUES
giance to me; called for Falax, whom  he chose for his
scrivener, and Perfidiosus, whom he appointed secretary.
Then, with all convenient speed, issued forth an edict, in
which it was declared1. That the word of God is no longer of any force, to
decide religious controversies; but that the bare word of
his holiness at Rome should determine in every case.
2. That no man, henceforward, should dare to search the
scriptures, contrary to the resolution of the apostolic chair;
the Bible being condemned as a book full of heresy and Protestant tenets; containing many things pernicious to the
souls of men, and very derogatory from the honor of holy
mother church.
3. That the pope's Bible, or canons, decrees, and legends,
are to be held as the only rule of faith and practice, exclusive of all others, under pain of eternal damnation.
4, That God, who made heaven and earth, hath no longer
power to save or damn any man, without the pope's permission; and that the infallible bishop of Rome would save and
damn whom he should think proper.
5. Notice was given to all whom it might concern, that
tile free pardons were already all expended. So that a former proclamation, made from another quarter, which held
forth nothing but free pardons, is to be held null and void;
and that, in future, no man may expect pardon, unless the
full price is paid into the hand of a faithful priest, as delegate of his holiness.
6. That the Holy Ghost is to be deemed incapable of the
work of sanctification'; all the souls he hath undertaken to
cleanse having been found with many spots upon them, before they passed through his holiness's furnace, hereafter to
be named.
7. Advertisement: That his holiness the pope has, at
great expense, obtained a very large quantity of the most
purifying fire in hell, together with a battalion of the most
skilful furies of the pit to work the flames, both of which
he hath placed in limbo, alias purgatory, where, for a proportionable sum promptly paid unto one of his holiness's vassals, or priests, any Catholic spectre shall be burned as white
as a bishop's hand.
8. The better to encourage this branch of priestcraft, it
was declared, that no case is quite desperate, but that of




0OF DEVILS.                   143
chose who abide by the Bible as the only ruleeof faith and
practice.
9. It was declared, that the Almighty has no longer any
power to support princes in their sovereignty, that power
having devolved upon his popeship; who, for the future,
would exalt or debase princes, as they proved steady or unsteady to his interest.
10. It was enacted, that no man should in the least call
in question the pope's divinity, his supremacy, and infallibility; and every person thus offending, should be deemed
an atheist, an heretic and traitor, and as such should be destroyed.
Now, my brother, having thus far carried on my history,
let me beg you to recite some part of yours.
FASTOSUS. With all my heart, brother; but it must be tomorrow mornir,.  Our time is now spent. Business must
be attended, or it will wither and decay.
DIALOGUE XL
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
FASsTosUs. Pray, Crudelis, what is this mighty affair, that
so highly tickles your fancy? Let your kindred share in
your mirth, I beseech you.
CRUDELLS. Yesterday afternoon I was conjured up by'Squire Broadfield, to assist in the whipping of a poor man,
who, being ready to perish with hunger, unluckily begged a
morsel of bread at his door. But, before I give you an account of the whipping, I shall first give you a specimen of
the g<entleman's character.'Squire Broadfield is a gentleman, and justice of peace.
He is worth five thousand pounds a year; and that is enough
to make him a gentleman, even if his father had been a beggar; to make him wise, though born a fool; learned, although
a very dunce.  Indeed it must be owned, the principal part
of his worship's education was had under Dr. Ringwood and
Dr. Jowler, the celebrated tutors of his kennel. Their maxims he perfectly understands, and their virtues he has adopt




144                   J)IALOGUES
ed. But, five thousand a year, you know, makes the study
of the kennel truly classical.
Talk you of Orpheus to him, his.worship proposes the
virtue of Ringwood to your consideration. Do you admire
the ardor which flames in the Iliads, his worship says, no
music like the voice of Jowler.  Tell him of the majesty
of Virgil, he will bid you mind well the gait of his horse,
what a majestic creature he is.  An emperor, says he,
might be proud to ride such another. Do you recommend
the pleasures of solid learning to him, he is in raptures
about the diversions of the chase. As yet he hath avoided
the yoke of matrimony; not that he was ever an admirer
of continence, -few gentlemen being more conversant with
the fair sex than his worship. He keeps in his house a
wanton train of over-fed servants, the superfluities of whose
table would comfort the bowels of many indigent; besides
a pack of hounds, which devour more than serves to maintain all the poor in the parish workhouse. But this miserable
wretch, who cannot work, because he is lame, and having
no parish to flee to for relief, chooseth to beg rather than
steal, for which his worship ordered him to be severely
whipt by my good son the beadle, until he shall be made
willing, either to steal for a living, or to die of hunger.
IMPIATOR. I am  not certain that John Ketch, Esq. of
fatal character, had any hand in procuring the law for whipping beggars; but certainly it adds greatly to his revenue.
Nor am I certain that it was made on purpose to drive
vagrants from begging to stealing, in order more speedily
to ease the nation of such a burden; but certain I am, it
greatly helps to fill up the Tyburn Chronicle. But whal
more, cousin 3
CRUDELIS. As the poor lame fellow was confronted by the
beadle, and was convinced of the reality of his worship's
benevolent intention to have him well flogged, he fell on his
knees, and implored mercy for God's sake, and for Christ's
sake, &c. promising that if he might be forgiven this
once, he would never return to these parts any more. He
pleaded his indigence, his hungry belly, his lameness, his
belonging to no parish, and every thing his fear could devise; but all served only to harden the justice's heart the
more. He ordered the beadle to take him away, and to do
his duty immediately. The beadle signified to him, as they




OF DEVILS.                   145
drew near to the whipping-post, that he felt some relentings
of heart towards him; and that if he could only give hirm a
handsome fee, he would favor him as much as his reputation
would admit of But, upon inquiry, finding that the old fellow was so wicked as to have no money, his heart became
like brass, and he resolved to ply him thoroughly, to the satisfaction of his worship. Accordingly, when'Squire Broadfield and me arrived in company to see the sport, there was
the poor rascal, whose poverty was his principal crime, tied
to the post, and mangled with the cord, which the lusty beadle
plied with nervous arm.
Oh! how his worship and me did laugh to see the villain,
whose poverty was obstinate, leaping, as his lameness would
let him, and writhing his bloody back, as the whip was lustily
played about him by the sturdy beadle; who, for his part,
would rob, and steal, and do any thing, rather than be whipped by a trusty brother of the trade; yea, would act ten
thousand villanies, rather than die of hunger. This fellow
must be a most incorrigible rogue, to be sure, if he is not
willing, by this time, either to steal and be hanged, or patiently to die of an empty belly.
IMPIATOR. What, Crudelis, have they made a law to whip
all beggars that infest your country?
CRUDELIS. No, no, Impiator.  I heartily wish there were
such a law; for then I would even quit my devilship to become king of the beadles.  If all the beggars were to be
punished at the whipping-post, (as I know no reason why
they should not) perhaps his worship himself, and his reverence the parson of the parish, would not escape a thorough
drubbing.  And yet, Crudelis as my name is, T think the
whip-beggar-law is very partial and unjust, as it lays hold on
none but poor petty beggars, who would be content with
bread, shins of beef, and table-beer; whilst others may, with
impunity, beg and obtain some thousands a year of the nation's money.
What are all the ranks of mankind, but so many beggars?
Does not his reverence, the inferior clergyman, beg a living
from my lord bishop, or some neighboring nobleman? and
do not their lordships beg of the king? Do not the very
members of parliament come, hat in hand, and meanly beg
of the corporation, having no consciousness of worth in themselves? Do not the pliant courtiers sue to the favorite, for
N




146                  DIALOGUES
places of trust for sake of the profit?-Beggars all, except
the stern patriot, a pelican which does not appear once in a
century. But if their lordships, the noble beggars, and their
honors, the gentlemen beggars, are to be considered as authors of the whipping law, I should have wondered indeed,
if care had not been taken to exempt themselves from its
penalty.
The case stands exactly thus. If a gentleman, extravagant beyond his revenue, begs for a thousand or two per annum, he shall not only escape with impunity, but obtain his
suit; provided always he would be the humble pliant crea.
ture of the minister; but if a poor, helpless, low-born wretch,
pinched with hunger, happens to beg a piece of bread in an
interdicted place, he shall be exercised at the whipping.
post.
INFIDELIS. I think, brother Fastosus, you agreed to give
us some account of your affairs. We should hold ourselves
much honored by the favor. But for this, I would beg the
history of my son Crudelis, who makes himself so merry at
the expense of foolish vicious mortals.
FASTOSUS. His history might be entertaining enough, I
suppose; but doubtless mine must be much more elegant and
instructive, as my concerns have been mostly with venerable gentlemen, and with none more than those of the sacerdotal function.
Notwithstanding I prevailed with the Jews, almost unanimously, to contemn the person and testimony of Jesus of
Nazareth, the Christian religion gained ground in the world.
Yea, the word of God grew mightily, and prevailed over
the traditions of both Pagan and Jewish sages; therefore, from
thenceforward I found it necessary to deal deep in the things
of religion.
I began my trade with ecclesiastical titles, which were
altogether unknown in the days of Christ and his apostles:
a set of goods very venerable with the populace, and wholly
of my manufacture;-an assortment of trifles, which greatly
pleased the lords of religion, and forwarded the deep designs
of priest-craft.
IMPIATOR. With your leave, sir, I have heard that all
the lord bishops are descended in a right line from the apostles; must it not then follow, that the convocation at Jeru
salem consisted of the most reverend fathers in God, their




OF DEVIL,.                   147
graces, my lord Peter, my lord Paul, &c. &c. metropolitans;
and the right reverend fathers in Cod, my lord Stephen, my
lord Philip, my lord Timothy, my lord Barnabas, &c. diocesans!
INFIDELIS. Son, you ought not to interrupt your honorable uncle. You may remember that these titles are all of
iater date.
FASTOSUS. My nephew shall hear, if he will but have a
little patience. The famous lady Prosperity and you, brother, had not been a very great while at Rome, before I
found sufficient encouragement to erect my office for vending sacerdotal titles there, and I must own that for many
years I had a brisk run of trade, until in fact the church
had room for no more, from the great infallible priest at
Rome down to a Curberland curate.  The first production
of this kind was a very brilliant medal, inscribed with these
five capital letters, P. A. T. E. R. which having finished, I
presented at a general convocation of bishops, who as yet
were not become reverend. They were highly pleased with
the device, having never seen such a thing before. The
worthies examined it, one after another, and all found that
the venerable letters, well put together, and properly interpreted, signified Father. And certainly the event has
proved, that great is the magical power of this medal.
Every one said to his fellow, " What can be more agreeable to our function than this venerable title? Are not we
the fathers of the people?" They forgot that One is the
father of the people, even God. I was therefore desired,
with all speed, to procure a like medal for every member
of this august assembly. Soon after this, I provided medals
more highly finished, and inscribed,
P, A, T, R, I, A, R, C, H, A,
one of which I bestowed on the holy bishop of Rome; a
second I gave to the bishop of Alexandria; a third to that
of Constantinople, a fourth to that of Jerusalem; and a fifth
to him who presided in the church of Antioch. In all which
places my medals were more highly valued than the finest
ruby; and he who could by any means obtain one of them,
was supposed to be elevated far above the common rank of
mortals.
Long and very successfully had I followed that medallion




148                  DIALOGUES
trade, when a famous and worthy prelate of Rome, who was
a great admirer of my productions, came into my office. Af
ter doing obeisance to me, and turning over my pretty devices, he asked me, "If I thought, with all my ingenuity, I
could produce a genuine medal with this inscription,
P, A, P, A, S,: S, U, P, R, E, M, U, S.
OR,
EPISCOPUS UNIVERSALIS."
I told him, that if all the artists in hell were to unite their
wisdom in one mechanical head, it would be utterly impossible; for, said I, the whole creation doth not furnish sufficient materials. But if it please your holiness, I can make
you a sham medal of that sort, which may perhaps answer
all the ends you have in view, as well as if it were real.
Oh! said he, I care not, for my part, whether it is real or
counterfeit, if I can only, by your assistance, my worthy
Fastosus, impose upon the credulity of mankind, and make
the world believe that I am supreme pope and universal
bishop; then I should reign with despotic power over the
estates and consciences of all Christians. My good friend,
please you to make me the medal, and I will cause the
world to believe that I had it from the Almighty, with letters patent under the broad seal of heaven, for the sole use
of it to me and my successors for ever. "I well know, returned I, that your holiness means no more, than in a pious
manner to impose the cheat upon the world, the better to
fill your coffers, and aggrandize your name; in which laudable undertaking your adored Fastosus shall be ever ready
to direct and assist."
To work I went, having called in the assistance of several of our friends, and made a counterfeit medal, in the
likeness of a treble crown, with certain inscriptions of the
cabalistic kind upon it. They were short but pithy sentences, as you shall hear.
On the one side of the first crown was inscribed, He that
is honored as the wearer of this medal, is possessed of infallible knowledge. Opposite to that was carved, in fine Italian, He is supreme over all laws, divine and human. On
the right side of the second crown, were these words, in
large capitals, This is the head of the Church. On the left
were these, This is the vicar of Christ, and,luccessor of




OF DEVILS.                    149
Peter. On the third and uppermost crown were the following, The keys of heaven, hell, and purgatory, are in his possession, and used only at his pleasure. Round the edge was
this writing, lie reigneth supreme over all the kings of the
earth, putteth down one, and exalteth another at his pleasure.
When finished, I presented it to the arch-prelate, who re.
ceived it with all imaginable thankfulness, viewed it with
the most exquisite delight, and oftener than once, protested
by his infallibility that he had never seen any thing contrived with equal art, nor so suitably adapted to his aspiring
principles. Transported with joy, he cried out, " O thou ingenious spirit! bless thee for thy assistance! This precious
medal will exalt my name above all that is called God; all
the European princes will now become my vassals, and the
adorers of my priestly majesty. But, to complete the work,
I pray thee, good Fastosus, think of some suitable device
for me, by which I may bind all the various ranks of the
clergy to my interest; for I shall never dare to show my
miraculous medal, nor divulge the delightful inscriptions on
it, unless I have something of the like nature to present to
their reverences; for this alone will excite them to favor
the cheat.  As for laymen, the scum of nature, I regard
not them.  They are asses, upon whom we shall ride with
pleasure and profit; and if at any time they ride restif, we
will tame them  with the rod of discipline, and so belabor
them with the cudgel of excommunication, that with gladness they shall submit implicitly to our decisions. Could
not the great Fastosus strike me a variety of medals, of dif
ferent worth and designs, and lodge them safely in my possession, that I may have the sole distribution of them among
my depending clergy; for unless they cleave as close to me,
as the scales to the back of Leviathan, I shall never be able
to support my pretensions to infallibility and supremacy.
To which I replied, "Great priest, in order to bind the
clergy inviolably to your interest, let me advise you to take
care that your decisions be always in their favor: place
your own grandeur in front of all your proceedings, and let
theirs immediately follow it." Which advice the good man
cordially embraced, and ever since has invariably followed
it with the utmtost precision.
From  henceforth, continued I, I give you full power and
N2




150                   DIALOGUES
authority to preside over all those medals which I have al.
ready issued forth; and for the future, the disposal of them
shall be at your holiness' pleasure. I will moreover add to
the number, and you shall have more than sufficient to gain
all the clergy to your party. But observe, you must receive
this power at the hand of great Fastosus; for it is by me
alone that you can lord it over the estates and consciences
of men. The great prelate heard with attention, and then
rejoined, "Mighty Fastosus, if you will oblige me in this,
you may depend upon me and all my successors as fiithful
subjects; implicitly obedient servants to your highness, and
your father Beelzebub. Nor do I doubt but the rest of the
priests, for the sake of power, will be equally loyal to you,
and implacable enemies to Immanuel; therefore your kindnesses shall be gratefully returned on our parts."
"Very well, said I, but be sure that all your villany be
carried on under the show of sanctity, otherwise you will
do us but little service."
AVARO. Then, sir, by what you say, it may be concluded,
the hoary prelate at Rome is very sensible that he is Beelzebub's agent, and that all his pretensions, beyond those of
the lowest pastor, are an imposition.
FASTOSUS. Yes, Avaro, he knows it very well, and that
makes him the more like unto us.  Indeed the cheat is so
palpable, that any one who has read his Bible with attention must needs see through it.  But by these proceedings, I soon found I had cut out a great deal of work for
myself, so that I was obliged to be doubly diligent. However, my sole delight being to promote the works of darkness, I soon struck off seventy new medals, inscribed CARDINALIS. These I presented to his holiness, who examined
them with great attention, and was highly pleased with the
ingenious device.
"Most noble spirit, said he to me, these medals, I perceive, will raise the gentlemen who receive them  next in
dignity to myself, and they will be the first and most able
to support the see of Rome."  You must needs know, my
friends, that this prediction has been fully accomplished.
For in all ages, since the cardinals have received their
medals, they have been truly indefatigable in establishing
-he power and supremacy of the Pope. His holiness and




OF DEVILS.                    151
they being so intimately connected, that they must stand or
fall together.
In the next place, 1 struck off a considerable number,
somewhat inferior to the former, distinguished by a Mitre
on one side, and on the other by the inscription ARCHI-EPIScopus; which, in like manner, I presented to the father of
the world, much to his satisfaction.  These, said he, shall
fix the class next to the former, and I doubt not but every
one of them will be sufficiently obsequious, in expectation
of a cardinal's hat. The archbishops being thus disposed of,
I took all the diocesan medals, which I had formerly produced, and put them under tne care and disposal of the prelate; and he was pleased to assign them to those, who were
next in place to the archbishops, each one in humble expectation of higher preferment.
AVARO. Hah, uncle! was it you that made those titles,
ascribed to the various orders of the clergy.
FASTOSUS. Was it I, do you ask? Yes, it was I indeed!
Who ever read in the New Testament, any thing at all
about a supreme bishop, or about cardinals, and lord bishops?
I made them all, I assure you, nephew; though I will not
affirm that every person who has borne these names, has
been absolutely under the dominion of pride.
To my great honor I speak it, Avaro, I ceased not when
I had made their lordships the diocesans, but went on with
my trade, until I had procured curious medals for a very
great number of abbots, swarms of monks and friars, jesuits,
franciscan and dominican friars, with a long train of et ceteras, who soon appeared in shoals, as numerous as locusts
when they ascend out of the bottomless pit. Then followed
the bare-headed capuchins, mendicants, penitents, pilgrims,
&c. without number.  Those religious gentry owe all their
dignity to me, unless it may be that Avaro has some little
hanwl in the matter.
AVARO. You do me great honor, sir, in mentioning me as
a worker together with you.
FASTOSUS. After all this, the subtle priest thought that
the antichristian hierarchy of Rome could not stand upon a
foundation solid enough, unless all, or at least some of the
princes of Europe were invested with ecclesiastical titles,
and so adopted into the new-modelled church. Therefore, I
tlId Iis holiness, that I had three highly finished medals by




*52                   DIALOGUES
me, ready prepared, fitting for royal personages. Here, said
I, is one inscribed Rex Catholicus; let it be presented to
your servant his majesty of Spain.  This second medal, inscribed Rex Christianissimus, will be an acceptable present
to your vassal the French king; and this third, inscribed
Rex Fidelissirus, I advise you to bestow upon the little
monarch of Portugal. His hoary holiness, with raptures, replied, "Very good, most noble Fastosus; this device will
doubtless secure all these three princes, as so many pillars,
to support my infallibility. But what of the king of England,
sir  I dread those islanders.  Is there no medallion charm,
by which that invincible prince can be secured to our interest  I pray you, good Fastosus, lend me an hand in this.
I shall endeavor to serve your holiness, replied I, and
then he withdrew. Soon after I presented him with a medal
suited to his wish. It bore the inscription, Defensor Fide,
and was given to the monarch of England; but, alas! it has
not answered our expectations; for this same nonarch, instead of defending the orthodox faith of Rome, was the first
crowned head that protested against the supremacy of the
Italian bishop.
AVARO. It is somewhat droll, that the king of England,
having shaken off the yoke of Rome, should still keep possession of the medal, which his predecessors received as a
present from the pope.  One would think that when the
pope himself was renounced, in strict justice, all his gifts
should have been restored, and the title, Defender of the
Faith, have been by a Protestant prince rejected amongst
the rest of Rornish trumpery; but wonders never cease.
Did you finish here, sir?
FASTOSUS. No, Avaro, I assure you, many titlesbesides these
were first issued from my office, such as his grace, a title
claimed by many a graceless duke, as well as anti-christian
priest.  His lordship, a title by which many a profane nobleman and irreligious bishop are distinguished.  His honor,
claimed by many who never felt one desire after true honor.
When a gentleman's honor depends merely upon his estate,
table and equipage, such a title as his honor, very ill hecomes
him, yet many such there are who claim the appellation.
AVARO. If high birth, and an ample fortune, do not ertitle
a man to his honor, I pray you what will?
FASTOSUS. An honorable conduct, Avaro, without v hich




OF DEVILS.                   153
ne is only a clown in disguise.  And many such fools you
may find wrapped in scarlet and lace, with swords dangling
by their sides.
IMPIATOR. I beg leave to observe, that according to moder
maxims in my country, he is esteemed a man of honor, who
can imitate the popish priests in scorninp wedlock, and frequenting the company of lewd womeni. de who is a stranger to every delicate and chaste sentiment; who scorns religion, disregards morality, and thinks it beneath his dignity
to keep any of the commands of God; or even for a moment
to reflect that there is an hereafter. It would be difficult to
persuade some people, that the British senate is too much
composed of such men of honor as these. I should oe glad,
sir, to hear your opinion of a man of honor more at large,
for I know that you are wise.
FAsTosUS. A gentleman of true honor, fails not to improve his estate, be it great or small, to the best advantage;
for he is neither indolent nor extravagant. His increasing
revenues are not heaped up for adoration, nor laid by as
useless lumber, but applied to clothe the naked back, and
refresh the empty belly. His principal care is not how he
may aggrandize his family, but how he may best serve his
king and country; for he lives not to himself, but to the
public good. He adheres to strict truth, is an utter stranger
to impertinent raillery, and perfectly detests the voice of
slander. In his civil affairs, he does the same things to superiors, inferiors, and equals, which he would wish others
in like circumstances to do for himself If at any time he
is so unhappy as to give his neighbor just cause of offence,
he is free and open in confessing his error, and ready to retrieve it to the utmost of his power. The title of his honor
is well becoming such a man as this, whether his estate is
great or small, his birth illustrious or obscure. But mercenary statesmen, plunderers of the public, ill deserve the
titles with which they are distinguished.  Happy might it
be for Britain, if she could always procure officers for every
department, in government, who would prefer the welfare
of the nation to their own personal and domestic emolument!
And this every man of true honor will be sure perpetually
to do.
AVARO. Then, uncle, I am inclined to think, that men of
honor are rot quite so plenty as some people have imagined




154                   DIALOGUES
FASTOSUS. I am sorry to say it, Avaro; but, bad as the
world is, there are still many to be found, who with propriety rfmay be called men of honor: but it is well for us, they
are mostly of obscure character.  They cannot act the
cringing knave, and vilely flatter their superiors, in order
to gain preferment.  Their countenances, adorned with
comely modesty, cannot contend with the impudence of
fools and rogues, therefore continue obscure when the most
worthless are exalted. But if a truly honorable man should,
by some miracle, ascend to an eminent station, and be intrusted with public concerns, his country is sure to find a
nursing- father, and not an accursed step-dame in him, as is
often the case with other governors.
There is, likewise, his reverence the parson, a title
ascribed to many men, who lead very irreverend lives.
AVARO. True, sir; but it is the vulgar opinion, that the
reverence of the parson does not depend upon his moral
conduct, but upon his investiture, received from the hand
of the bishop.
FASTOSUS. I know it Avaro; but it is a prevailing mistake. Imposition of the hands, even of an apostle, could
never make any man reverend, whose doctrine is heterodox,
or whose conversation is immoral: otherwise our friend Simon of Samaria might have been numbered among their
reverences.  Indeed, Avaro, were any man hardy enough
to attempt it, I know of no subject more proper for satire
than the pretended reverence of the parsons. But he must
be daring indeed, who would set himself to oppose the orthodox priests of the day, for that would be thought by many
the very same as to oppose God Almighty himself, and every
body would cry Atheist at him.
AVARO. Pray, sir, what is your opinion of reverence, and
to whom may the epithet of reverend consistently be given l
FASTosUs. To very few of the leaders of any denomination, Avaro; and yet perhaps to some few of every denomination among Protestants. I hate them, cousin, and could
not bear to talk of them were it not to oblige you; fbr they
are avowed enemies to our administration, as you will see
by the description of them. For he is a reverend minister
whether he was educated at Oxford or Aberdeen, who makes
not gold, but the glory of Immanuel, and the welfare of immortal souls, the first end of his labors; who is assiduous in




OF DEVILS.                   15'
his study, fervent in his ministry, and has a paternal affec
tion for his people; who studies not how to please the great,
or to gain the esteem of the staring multitude, but to approve
himself to God and the consciences of men, not shunning tc
declare the whole counsel of God, without any mixture ot
the inventions or traditions of men.
You may follow this man from the church to the market,
from the pulpit into his family, and find him all of a piece.
His whole conduct is one chain of uniformity. But it is not
every gownsman, either papal or protestant, nor even every
dissenting minister, whom this description suits. Some there
are, and who can deny it, who are haughty and overbearing
in their spirits; indolent in study; cool and lifeless in their
ministry; thoughtless and unconcerned about the real welfare of their people. Yea, some are so wretchedly lazy,
or so much taken up with idle and vain amusements, that it
is with difficulty they can bring forth, once a week, an oration, fifteen or twenty minutes long; and that scanty production, perhaps, when it is exhibited, proves no more than
a lecture on moral philosophy; or it may be a libel against
some different party or denomination of Christians. You
may follow some of them from the church to their families,
and be fully convinced they are divines only in name. They
neglect in their families the very duties which they recommend to others. And what is still more, connive at the same
vices in their families, which they expose and condemn in
the pulpit. But after all, they have the cure of souls, and
are the venerable and reverend clergy, in the same manner
as the pope is the head of the church: I mean by craft and
uwllrpation.
AVARO. I have got a noble company of these same parsons in my corporation of Avarice, whose business it is to
vend wind in order to obtain wealth. A company confined
- no one denomination, but made up of all. Every one of
this company has got his own system of priestcraft, but all
are intent upon the main point, viz. to get as much wealth
by his craft as possible. Indeed, the mother church of Rome
very far outstrips the rest, for she may lawfiully boast that
her clergy, to a man, are the stedfast worshippers of the god
Avaro, their great benefactor.
However, the Protestants, both Calvinists and Lutherans,.ll who are freemen, in the convaPy nf Avarice, keep as




156                  DIALOGUES
near as possible to the orthodox priests of Rome, in making
a lucrative trade of what they call the gospel. And however
they differ about what is, and what is not, gospel, they see
eye to eye in regard to making profit of it, and turning the
altar of the Lord to their own emolument.
INFIDELIS. How should it be otherwise, my son, seeing
there are in some places manufactories, on purpose for
making parsons?
FASTOSUS. So I have heard, brother, with this addition,
that the making of parsons is reckoned both a lucrative and
honorable employment, not unworthy of my own patronage.
But, between you and me, the parson-makers are grievously
disappointed frequently, however little they are sensible of
it: for when they put their materials into the refining furnace, they hope to see at the end of the process, a bright
and shining minister of Jesus Christ come forth: but lo! a
learned calf is produced, and a fervent adorer of the god
Avaro.
INFIDELIS. It cannot be otherwise; for, to our grief I
speak it, the unalterable Immanuel hath reserved to himself
the wisdom, power, and prerogative, to make ministers of
the gospel; and if men, like Jannes and Jambers, will take
upon them to imitate the immutable works of the Almighty,
they may be permitted to make things which may, for a
time, be mistaken for gospel ministers, even as those magicians performed miracles by divine permission.
IMPIATOR. SO then, gentlemen, I perceive your opinion is,
that learning the languages and sciences unfits a man for
being a gospel minister.
FASTOSUS. No, Impiator, no such thing, or the gift of
tongues had not been given at the feast of Pentecost: but;t may be averred, that if a man has no more learning than
the most learned university can give him, he cannot possibly be a minister of Jesus Christ. It is resting in these
things as the only qualifications, we think proper to laugh
at, Impiator.
AVARO. Among those mercenary orators, there are whom
we call the Jumblers. They are such who study not their
sermons from the scripture, but compile them from the writings of other men. Being destitute of judgment to direct
them in their compilations, they are obliged to rely implicitly




OF DEVILS.                   157
on the sentiments of their authors. So it comes to pass,
that they contradict on one Sabbath what they asserted and
half proved the day before, merely because they happened
to stumble on authors of different sentiments.  But, alas!
poor men, what shall they do? It is their trade; they know
not how to get a living without it; they cannot dig, and to
beg they are ashamed; therefore are under a necessity of
jumbling forward, in the best manner they can. Of late
years, indeed, this jumbling tribe have hit on a mLre happy
method of management, by which they both save their reputation and laborious study.  Amongst learned men, there
have always been some few of genius and industry, who
have found means to turn the dullness and indolence of their
brethren to their own emolument.  They compose sermons,
print and sell them to the others, who pay first a good price
for them, then preach them, that is to say, read them to their
several congregations. Enfield's, and Webb's, and Trusler's
sermons have been of great use to many a dull and lazy
clergyman.
FASTOSUS. How is this, Avaro?  You speak of the parsons as if they were at best but learned fools. How is it
possible they should be so highly revered by the people if
they were such?
AVARO. I speak but of some of them, uncle; and to make
good what I say, I can tell you that it is not the man, whom
the ignorant populace revere, so much as the gown, cassock,
and band; and these they would revere if they were seen
upon an ass, provided always, his ears were hid with a bush
of well-powdered hair. I assure you, gentlemen, amongst
the intelligent laity, it is deemed a maxim, that any blockhead will do very well for a parson, if he has but friends to
recommend him to a living: as a proof of this I shall tell
you a short story. There is one Mr. Provident, a merchant
in London, who had four sons at a grammar-school, under
the direction of a learned gentleman of excellent sense. It
was lately Mr. Provident made a visit to his sons and their
tutor, when he took occasion to ask Mr. Teachum's advice,
in regard to his disposal of them.
To which the schoolmaster replied: " Sir, I have often,
with pleasure, observed a penetrating judgment, solid understanding, and an inviolable attachment to truth, ennobled
0




158                   DIALOGUES
with the generous principles of true benevolence, in your
eldest son. These qualities, sir, are excellently adapted to
the mercantile life. I would therefore advise you to train
him up in your own business.  Your second son, Master
Thomas, has genius sufficient for any business; but I hope,
sir, you will excuse me, if I tell you that I have discerned
one thing in him, which, in my judgment, unfits him for the
capacity of a merchant. As I know, sir, you would have
me to speak freely, you will not be offended with me, if I
tell you that it is a selfishness and contractedness of spirit,
together with a violent propensity for lying and equivocation.
If he were my son, sir, I would bring him up to the law, in
which he will very likely make a conspicuous figure. Your
youngest son, Master James, has, if I mistake not, along with
a very considerable degree of dullness, an heart that is a
stranger to sympathetic feelings; but possesseth genius sufficient for a physician.  I would point out the royal college
for his residence."
Here Mr. Provident, the merchant, interrupted him, and
said, " Sir, you have given your opinion of the two eldest,
and the youngest; but you say nothing of Harry, my third
son.  I pray, what do you say of him?"  To which the
teacher, with a blush, replied, "If it is agreeable, sir, I
would advise you to make him a clergyman."  To this the
father, with a mixture of grief and anger, replied, " What,
sir, do you think he hath genius sufficient for nothing else'"
" I am afraid not, said the master; but you can easily make
friends with my lord bishop, and procure him a considerable
benefice.  Take this step, sir, and his lack of genius will
scarcely be known, as he may preach and administer the
offices of the church by proxy, which you know is very gentlemnan-like."
INFIDELIS. And do you really think, Avaro, that it is want
of abilities to preach, that causeth so many vicars to keep
journeymen to do their work for them?
AVARO. With some, sir, want of abilities is the principal
cause, and with the rest, an utter aversion to the work;
though, by the way, they once professed to be drawn to it by
no less an influence than that of the Holy Ghost; but that
was when a benefice was the object of their pursuit, anx
therefore not to be regarded after their end is obtained




OF DEVILS.                   159
FASTOSIUT. Cousin Avaro, here I believe we must stop, as
we have certainly overstaid our time. I hold it good, therefore that we depart, and meet here at the usua1 time to.
morrow. Business, you know, must not be neglected. Adieu,
my kinsmen.
DIALOGUE XII.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
FASTOSUS. Vell, gentlemen, I hope no idleness has attended any of our fraternity, since last meeting. I went
directly from you to assist a London jeweller in forming a
set of ear-rings and pendants upon a new construction.  I
made him sensible of the most elegant plan, enjoined him
to pursue it, give the praise to his patron Fastosus, and so I
left him.
IMPIATOR. I pray you, sir, what is the real use of earrings?  For my part, I have never been able to apprehend
it, unless it is to save a small matter of gold against a day of
penury.
FASTOSUS. They are of no use at all to the wearer, Impi.
ator, though they help the goldsmith and lapidary not a little;
but they are of excellent use to our government. You know
the boring of the ear always was and now is an emblem of
servitude. Yea, it is an incontrovertible point that the act
of boring, and suffering the ear to be bored, is a token of
subjection to the infernal monarch.
IMPIATOR. Ah, sir, how violently the spleen would rage
amongc the ladies, were they to know what you say of them.
FASTOSUS. And let it rage, cousin. What is that to me 
-The ladies are too much in love with courtly Fastosus, to
banish me from among them, even in their spleenish fits.-But
to explain the doctrine of ear-rings, be it observed, that the
crafty Beelzebub hath an invisible chain fixed to the earringr, by which he leads the wearers a wild-goose chase
through all the vanities of the times. No sooner does the
sable governor tug a lady by the ear, than she feels an impulse upon her heart, which directs her to the Play-house,




160                   DIALOGUES
Opera, Vauxhall, Sadlers-Wells, or elsewhere; but very sadom to the church. If, at any time, for the sake of company
she takes her pleasure at church, the great deceiver keeps
such a gingling of the chain in her ear, that she cannot attend to one word of the service; by these means the Park,
the Mall, the Play-house, and the church, are, in effect, the
same thing to many ladies of fashion.
AVARO. And are all who wear rings in their ears to be
looked upon as slaves to the great Beelzebub, uncle?
FASTOSUS. No, Avaro, not all; for the invincible Immanue
hath broken the chains and loosened the bands of servitude
from many. Nevertheless, they still wear the rings in their
ears, to testify what they have been. And what news from
your friends, Avaro?
AvARO. Very little, sir; only that diligence, frugality, and
good husbandry, go on as usual. All heads plodding, and all
hands active to get and to save; for getting and saving is all
the cry with them. I had a little matter to attend to last
night at the Swan tavern, where there was a very respectable meeting of manufacturers, by whom some few things,
tending to promote emolument, were considered. The first
consultation was, " How they might conveniently lessen the
quality of their goods, that their profit might be somewhat
advanced."  In order to this, a plan was proposed by Mr.
Dolus, a very great tradesman, which was unanimously
agreed to by the rest. The second thing was to settle the
prices, and come into mutual engagements, that no one
should undersell his brethren; which, after some slight altercation, was as unanimously settled. You must know, mankind are not satisfied with being oppressed by infernal tyranny; but to add to the devil's work, are got into the happy way of joining in combinations to oppress and devour one
another. Nor is this practice peculiar to any one set of
men, but is common with dealers of every kind and denomination, from the opulent farmers to the dealers in coal and
candles.
When this was done, a question was put, How they should
finish a certain quantity of goods against a certain day then
proposed 3 For it seems they have large orders at present.
To which one of them said, he thought it necessary to advance the journeymen's wages in order to encourage their
diligence. But this gentleman's motion was unanimously




OF DEVILS.                   161
-ejected, as an unprofitable way of proceeding, very illsuited to the growing demands of their several families. It
was then proposed, that a small premium should be given to
every workman who should finish a certain quantity cf
goods in a limited time, then and there to be stipulated.
3ut this also was objected to, it being alleged, that some
method might be found that would produce the desired end
and yet save all those unnecessary premiums, which, if
given, would introduce a very bad custom.
At last, an old gentleman, whose hoary locks shone as
silver from under his weather-beaten wig, arose, and most
judiciously addressed his brethren in the following manner:
"Gentlemen, you all know that such is the indolent disposition of journeymen, that, in general, let their wages be
ever so good, they have no notion of obtaining more than
will procure them  a bare maintenance through the week,
and a few quarts of strong beer on Saturday night and Sunday. Therefore, to advance their wages is the certain way
to have them work less than they do at present. But let
us lessen their wages in proportion to our extraordinary call
for goods; for by how much the more we drop the prices of
workmanship, by so much the more work shall we have
done. A bare living they must have, let the prices be ever
so low; and but a bare living they will have, if they are
ever so high. If we advance the price, they work less, and
if we drop it, they will, they must work more. I say then
let us drop the prices."
The old gentleman's advice was cordially embraced by
them all, and every one blessed the sagacity of the old fox,
now grown gray in wisdom. And this day, or to-morrow,
the journeymen's wages are to be lessened accordingly.
FASTOSUS. In the close of our last interview I was going
to observe, that my prevalency is great amongst the nobility and gentry. By my indefatigable industry, the greater
part of them  are rendered altogether insensible of their
origin, so that they look down upon their inferiors as a set
of despicable creatures, of a species very different from
themselves: not considering that my lord Superbo and poor
Lazar Askalms are by nature brethren, formed of the same
materials. and conceived in the womb of the same earth.
AVARO Yet, sir, if my observations are just, I think they
have some kind of an imperfect notion that they were origin02




162                     DIALOGUES
ally formed of the earth; but as one part of the substance
of the earth is esteemed much more precious and valuable
than another, perhaps the people of fashion have the happiness of being formed of the more rich and esteemed particles, and the rest of mankind the infelicity of deriving
their beings from vulgar clay. This is the more likely, as
there is a manifest difference between their constitutions
and those of people in the lower spheres of life; the first
being brittle and feeble, the latter more robust and heothv
FASTOSUS. That is false philosophy, Avaro.  The biitt-en Hss you speak of does not proceed from any defect in the
natural constitution of their frame, nor from any rottenness
in the materials of which they are made, but hath its cause
from themselves. Many of them, in their infancy, are nearly
starved from an infamous notion that enough of wholeome
food is injurious to them:* and you will con monlv find, that
the food which yields the most healthful aliment, is with..
held from them, at the instance of Dr. Scrawl, the family
physician. This same gentleman has not so little sense under his great wig as not to know that his own personal
emolument is intimately connected with the weak constitutions of people of quality, especially the ladies. By his
many years' study of physic, he has proved to a demonstration, that if the young gentry were suffered to eat enough
of wholesome food, like the farmers' children, his business
would not be worth following.
AVARO. I know it well: for there is one of my disciples,
a certain physician eminent in practice, who hath acquired
a genteel fortune by prescription, and who, if he is indisposed himself, will not suffer an apothecary's drug to pass
his gullet; a plain indication that he knows it to be hurtfil.
I have often thought, a good constitution put into the hard
of a doctor, is like a good cause put into the hands of the
lawyers; it gets worse with deceitful handling. When a mrn
is, by the force of medicine, fairly got down, the skilfil plhysician knows very well how to hold him  betwixt life and
* Some learned physicians, those celebrated defrauders of the.rave,
have found out that bread itself. which has been esteemed the staff of
life in all ages, is at last become dangerous to the constitution, and therefore to he used with caution by all sorts of people. especially sichl as are
best able to fee the doctor in case of personal indisposition. As for the
poor, it is less matter what they eat, as the faculty can reap but little
advantage fron their sickeess.




OF DEVILS.                    163
death as long as possible; until at last he dies by inches of
that prevailing distemper which kills so many people of
fashion.
FAsTosus. True, Avaro. But farther to prove the gentry
the causers of their own infirmity, I would observe, that
what, in infancy, penury and want leave of the constitution unconsumed, luxury and idleness well-nigh finish in
youth; so that when the lady comes to embrace an husband,
the one-half of her remaining days are spent under the hand
vf the doctor, and the other half in pleasure and dissipation.
As for the young gentlemen, before the boyish down on their
faces is able to resist the razor, they have commonly contracted such lothesome disorders as render them more fit
for an infirmary than for the marriage-bed, and have more
need of a surgeon than a wife. Thus, Avaro, you may see
by what means the constitutions of the gentry are so frequently enfeebled.
That they are formed of the same materials with their
inferiors will appear, when you consider that there were
none either noble or ignoble in the original state of mankind; all were on a common level; but when we had made
a conquest of them, it became necessary for the Almighty
to dissolve the original equality, that the world might be
rendered in some measure tolerable to all, amidst the confusion and disorder which our dominion over them had introduced.  For if people cry out that the world is bad now,
it is certain it would be infinitely worse were superiority
and inferiority utterly abolished.  Moreover, the Almighty,
to manifest the equity of his procedure, has so ordered it,
that the system of superiority and inferiority is perpetually
upcn the change.  You may find some persons now asking
altns from place to place, who are descended from princes
and nobles; and others in the most exalted stations, who had
their descent from very beggars.
INFIDELIS. Ay, brother, that very consideration, to urge
no more, if duly attended to, would prevent the contempt
which people of elevated rank are apt to let fall on their
inferiors. But let them go on until the grand leveller Death
approach.  He spares neither rich nor poor, noble nor ignoble.  Samael knows no distinction, cannot be bribed like
temporal judges, admits of no excuses, and is an utter stranger to pity. At prince, at peasant, at the noble earl and his




164                   DIALOGUES
servile ce\'. at the dame of honor, and the scorched cook,
m:aid, i' are t like his unerring shaft, and wrings all again
to the dat, iir.. whence they were taken, to rot in their
original eqhahiy.
FASTOSUS. There is another race, which we distinguish
by the name of mnvgrels, with whom  I am deeply concerned. This genera:oun of half-bred gentry includes tradesmen, the gentlemen of the law and of the faculty, together
with the farmers. These gentry consider themselves pretty
near, if not altogether, on a level with the country'squire,
and therefore affect the manners of their superiors as much
as possible. They are gentlemen, their wives are ladies
and madams, their children masters and misses. Hundreds
of such gentlemen and ladies have I known, who could not
boast that any of their ancestors, back to the tenth generation, were proprietors of so much as a cottage with a cabbage. Yet they imperiously assume a title of address, equal
to that of the queen's majesty; and no laborer or mechanic
must dare to approach them, without a sir or madam in his
mouth.
INFIDELIS. I have sometimes thought those ladies you
speak of, are either ashamed of their given names, or hold
them too sacred for the profane mouths of servants and vulgar creatures; and indeed he would be deemed the most
unmannerly wretch that ever trod upon English ground,
who should say that Sarah Allgood is his mistress; for Sarah
must give place to madam, and she is now madam Allgood,
the shopkeeper's lady; and it would be more than her place
is worth, for a servant to name her mistress in terms less
respectful.
AVARO. Excuse me, gentlemen, you know I love to be
concerting schemes of profit, and here is one ready projected, which, if faithfully executed, would either fill the exchequer, or make a distinction betwixt persons of real quality and their apes in middle life.
FASTOSUS. What is your scheme, cousin 1 let us hear it
if feasible.
AVARO. I would advise the nobility, gentry, &c. never to
go to an horse-course, cock-pit, or play-house; not to go to
Bath nor a bawdy-house, that is to say, never to rest until
they have procured a bill, in which it shall be enacted, that
every man shall pay the sum of ten pounds sterling per an




OF DEVILS.                    165
num who suffers his wife to assume the name of madam. I
would likewise have a tax of half the value laid upon every
young master and miss, the farmers, apothecaries, attorneys
and tradesmen's children, unless the husband or father can
make it appear that his annual rent, clear of all encumbrance, is not less than four hundred pounds; if so much, or
upwards, he should stand exempt from any such penalty,
and enjoy the free use of such names of quality in his
family.
INFIDELIS. Although it is quite foreign to my purpose to
dictate any thing to mankind which may be of service to:hem, I am free among ourselves to say, that my son's
scheme is well concerted, and might answer valuable purposes were it carried into execution. The numerous bankruptcies, which make trade so precarious in England, have
their spring in this fatal imitation of people of quality, so
prevalent among tradesmen. Could this so very pernicious
practice, by any means be suppressed, the industrious merchant and manufacturer would meet with fewer losses by
their retailing customers.
To your scheme, however, I would add another tax equally necessary, and that is upon every play-house, assemblyroom, and place of pleasurable resort. One fifth, at least, of
every ticket to Almack's, Ranelagh, every play-house.
Cornely's, Sadler's-wells, the Pantheon, and every rout
whatever, ought to be sacred to government. Until this, or
some such thing is done, it will be difficult for the sensible
English to believe that their governors aim at any thing beyond their own emolument.  As for the tax upon (madam)
it appears indispensably necessary, and can admit of no delay. However, we interrupt you, Fastosus.
FASTOSUS. I have a great deal of pleasure in stirring up
people to quarrel with their Maker, and to say unto him,
Why hast thou made me thus  I love not the station thou
hast placed me in; I have got parts to qualify me for a better than this in which thou hast placed me; therefore I am
not dealt with according to my merit." The poor laborer,
who, by the way, is the most happy and contented of his
species, is not altogether pleased, because he was not born
a gentieman, and heir to a good estate. The'squire and his
lady are almost mad with anger, because they were not descended of noble ancestors. The nobleman himself takes it




166                   DIALOGUES
very unkind that he was not born to govern a kingdom. la
that is born neir to a crown hath two things at which he is
much offended: First, because the Almighty is so long in
taking the father to himself, to facilitate his own accession
to the throne: Secondly, he is not well pleased, because it
is a regal and not an imperial crown, to which he is born
heir. As for the man who is born to imperial dignity, he is
angry, because he is not appointed lord of the whole world.
Andl one you know, who, having obtained the sway of the
whole world, was angry with G)d, because he had not made
two worlds for him to govern; even so angry, that he is
said to have cried again. Thus, in all ranks and degrees of
life, I make people quarrel with their Maker.
INFIDELIS. I have often heard it remarked, by our infernal sages, that if the ambitious mind were to obtain what
it is now in pursuit of, true contentment would be as far
distant as ever; and an Alexander, who covets a second
world to ravage, could he get that, would want a third, after that a fourth, and so on, until he had plundered the
many millions of worlds which God hath made. Even then,
were such a thing possible, his ambition would be as insatiable as ever, and his last effort would be the same as that
of father Beelzebub's; I mean, he would attempt to plunder
the eternal throne itself. Thus, they allege, that the lowest
decree of ambition and discontent in man, if the Almighty
were continually to gratify it, would ascend to the most daring attempt of which the infernal monarch himself is capable. After all, I have observed that the greater part of
people are so far from deeming ambition to be criminal,
they think a spice of it is indispensably necessary to a man
of honor.
FASTOSES. I know it, brother; but that is a striking proof
of the blindness to which we have reduced them. Ambition, discontent, &c. reigning in any person, are infallible
symptoms of a heart totally depraved, and altogether under
my influence. But let them go on to cherish an ambitious
spirit, they will find their mistake at last. That judicious
pagan, Epictetus, seems very capable of instructing many
who are called Christians, and who have the advantage of
the Bible. Yes, Infidelis, you and I both know, that ambition is the very vice which ruined our Ilack fraternity'
aui or it, they would have been in heaver to this day.




OF DEVILS.                    167
As some quarrel with their Maker, on account of their
situation in life, I am equally successful in stirring up
others, to take offence at the manner in which the Almighty hath formed their bodies: as to their souls, they do not
regard them; indeed they seldom consider that they have
an immortal spirit belonging to them. If, by chance, such a
thought, as that they have an immortal soul, should pass
through their minds, it gives them  no concern in what position it is found, because they take it fbr granted that no
body sees it. So very inconsiderate and stupid are many,
that one who understands the language of hearts, provided
he could delight in the voice of discontent and murmuring,
might meet with high entertainment amongst our people.
For,
One young lady says, O! if the Almighty had made me
an inch and a half higher, then my person would have been
abundantly more proper. Her neighbor is as ill at ease, because she thinks the Creator has bestowed superfluous labor upon her, in giving her a couple of inches of redundant
height, which she looks upon as a very considerable deformity. Another says, Why did he make me with round
shoulders? Might he not as easily have made them square 1
I am ashamed to go into company, because I have not a
handsome carriage of the head and neck.  What the backboard and girdle can do, has been tried to press in the prominent os humeri; but sad experience teaches, that she may
as soon wash the Ethiopian white, as make that even which
the Almiglhty hath made crooked. Nor less afflicted is her
kinswoman, on account of yellowness in her skin.
AVARO. I have heard several people of allowed knowledge, modestly wish, that all court ladies labored under the
a.ne misfortune the last unhappy gentlewoman does; being
persuaded that if it were so, naked breasts would never
more be brought into fashion, to the annoyance of the gentlemen and the scandal of the ladies: for you know, flashions are all born at court.
FASTOSUS. Not at the court of London, Avaro, but Versailles; therefore it would indicate better sense in your
knowing people, to wish the French ladies the above misfortune.  It is held an act of high treason against the
French, for the English court to receive any fashion, which
bath not had a certificate from Versailles. This policy




168                   DIALOGUES
seems indeed very mysterious, when we consider that the
British heroes can so effectually drub the monsieurs, as tc
make them cry peccavi, and at the same time the French
ladies should have the English in such absolute subjection.
It is impossible for any person to conceive the trouble I
have, in preparing those ladies for the ball, or assembly, or
pantheon, and what art I am obliged to employ, in hiding
their supposed defects and redundancies. The lady who
fancies her stature to be somewhat too low, obliges me to
add to it the whole length of a super-tall pair of wooden
heels, and is extremely careful to set off her little body to
all advantage possible, so that every beholder must be struck
with the most perfect gentility of her appearance. On the
other hand, her neighbor, who is over-tall, is as careful, on
her part, to have the flattest heels that can be worn, and is
equally industrious in decking, to the best advantage, the
whole of her extravagant height.
Nor hath their neighbor, who is affected with a dun, or
yellow skin, less trouble and anxiety of mind, besides her
great toil of body. The waste she makes of wash-balls, and
the best recommended cosmetics, together with her own,
and her servants' labor, in endeavoring to rub off the native
tinct, is not to be conceived.  But, alas! it is labor in vain.
All the comfort which remains for her, is derived from a
black necklace, assisted by two or three well-disposed
patches, which she hopes may, in some measure, overcloud
the hated yellowness of the adjacent parts.
So absolutely foolish are they, that I have some subjects
who say, "Ah me, why were my ankles made so strong
and fleshy? O that they had been slender and genteel, then
I should not have been thus dependent on the mantuamaker
for a covering for them."  However, gentlemen, were it
not a rule established among the fair sex, that ankles somewhat gross are altogether ungenteel, it would puzzle a philosopher to determine how it is that small feet and slender
ankles, come to have more virtue and real worth in them,
than those that are otherwise.  But certainly it is deemed
to be so, and those imperious dames, who have been favored
to their liking, do what they can to mortify those who are
less happy in their pedestals. Against this disease there is
no effectual remedy. Small-sized shoes formerly ge ve them




OF DEVILS.                    169
great hopes of relief; but, alas! they generally made cripples of their wearers.
INFIDELIS. I have always observed, that when people have
applied to the artist, to have that mended which they think
the Almighty hath marred, the punishment is connected
with the crime, as a token of the just resentment of a jealous
God, who hath left none of his works imperfect; and who
would have them all, as indeed they ought to be, well esteemed.  Hence come corns upon the feet, and far greater
un evenness in the symmetry of the body, than was before
their application to the mechanic.
FASTOSUS. Another of my disciples has got hair of a
madder red, and such is her folly, that it grieves her beyond
measure.  But with all my wisdom, I could never find out
the reason why red hair should be any more scandalous than
yellow or flaxen locks: or how it is, that scarlet is held to
be such a courtly color upon broadcloth, and yet so scandalous for a lady to have her head of scarlet color.  But the
i.dy herself is so apprehensive of the scandal, that she is
obliged to exchange her native locks, with a neighboring
Larber, for a set of flaxen false curls; these, she flatters
herself, will very well become the native fairness of her
skin.
Perhaps, indeed, to spare the natural crop, she may blind
the eyes of beholders with powder, which may help to conceal the awful secret. The like expedient is used by women
of a coquettish disposition, when to their great grief and inconsolable sorrow, they first perceive old age dying a whiteness upon their temples.  In order to prevent the world
having any suspicion that she is advanced in years, the coquette procures a defence against the hoary hairs; and thus
she keeps herself, as much as possible, from the belief that
she is growing old, until the detested wrinkles on her forehead betray the fatal secret, and then she declines faster
than other women, because her grief gives swiftness to her
decay. Another lady is exceedingly grieved, every time
she looks in her glass, because, as she thinks, her face is too
much upon the fire to be deemed lovely; but she comforts
herself with the reflection that she has good features, and
the great artist, when he finished her, has left a dimple in
her chin. On the other hand, her cousin beholds a system
af agreeable features in her own countenance: but oh! the
P




170                  DIALOGUES
dejection of her heart, on recollecting the paleness of her
lips. To supply the defects of nature in this, before she
goes abroad, she has recourse to her pencil and vermilion
shell. Thus she has some means of comfort within her
power; but her poor sister, who is seamed with the smallpox, is quite inconsolable. If at any time she expresses satisfaction, it is in speaking of the former agreeableness of
her features, and fairness of her skin. But alas! her joy is
presently clouded with the melancholy consideration, they
are for ever gone. Some ladies are highly offended, because
their hands are so big, others that their fingers are too short;
and now and then you may meet with one who is dreadfully
tormented underneath a king Richard back; which is sure
to prove an intolerable burthen all the life of the unhappy
woman.
INFIDELIS. Nothing more fully demonstrates our dominion in the hearts of mankind, than their being ashamed of
their shapes and physiognomy; the supposed deformity of
which they could by no means have prevented. Every degree of this kind of shame, is a tacit reproach of the Creator, and therefore daringly impious. Many you may find,
ashamed of the innocent defects of their outward frame,
who are not in the least ashamed of their vain lives and
immoral conversation; to rectify which ought to be their
principal concern. And were there but as much pains taken
to rectify the disorders of civil life, as there are to hide the
supposed defects and redundancies of the body, and to alter
the tincture of the skin, the world would be very different
from what it is. But you take care to prevent that, Impiator.
DISCORDANS. One who has made mankind no part of his
study, would deem it impossible for rational beings to be
ashamed of, and concerned for innocent deformities of the
body, with which no person of common sense will ever upbraid them, and which never can by any means lessen the
esteem of the judicious; (for who can make that straight
Which the Almighty hath made crooked, or white which he
hath made brown?) and at the same time neglect the infinitely more valuable mind.
INFIDELIS. By your account, sir, your vassals have got
a wrong notion of beauty, as by our long observation it appears, we may sometimes see a great deal of beauty in a




OF DEVILS.                   171
person whose bodily parts no way tend to recomrrend him.
Real beauty lies in the constitution of the mind, and the
proper use of its intellectual faculties: every thing else
compared with this is like tinsel when compared with the
purest gold.
That person appears truly amiable, without external
comeliness, who can bear the lack of it with a becoming
grace; and who, to make up for all outward defects, is studious to embellish the immortal mind. That is a part of
man always capable of improvement; but for the body, they
may fret, murmur, and repine at its defects, as much as they
will, they plainly see it does not mend the matter, for who
by taking thought can add one cubit to his stature, or make
one hair whiter or blacker?
FASTOSUS. Such is my dominion now; nor was it less in
the more early ages. I made rude work in the tents of Jacob, between his two wives and among his sons; and by
those means I greatly disturbed them whom I could not destroy.
INVIDIO. I have, until now, been silent; but beg leave to
observe, that I think our labor is far from being lost. Seeing, though we are permitted to destroy none who are good
and virtuous, we have the pleasure of distressing and distracting them. And certainly no music can be so agreeable
to our ears, as the sighs and groans of our enemies. There
is something so agreeable in the destruction of infidels, and
distracting the rest of mankind, that I have often heard our
father Beelzebub say, he would rather aggravate his own
torment a thousand degrees than be robbed of that pleasure. His and our happiness lies chiefly in distressing mankind, especially the virtuous and good, notwithstanding he
overheard Immanuel, when he said, " I give unto them eternal life, and none shall pluck them out of my hands."
AVARO. One would wonder it did not wholly discourage
him from making further attempts against such people, especially if what I have heard is true; I mean that every
affliction which they endure by his means, will be an aggravation to his own misery. But his hatred against them
is implacable.
FASTOSUS. It is not altogether his hatred and malice
against them, which excite him to persecute them with such
unwearied diligence  but it happened on a time, that Beel



172                  DIALOGUES
zebub was by, when one of the heavenly heralds declared,
* That in all the afflictions of his people, Immanuel himself
is afflicted." And at another time he heard another say,
"That Immanuel is touched with a sense of human infirmities."  Nay, then, said he to himself, they shall not want
for afflictions, if I should endure a thousand hells. It will
be a heaven of delight to me, to see my fiery darts bound
off from the persons to whom they are shot, and strike him
whom I have in the most perfect abhorrence.  So that it i
Immaruel himself, rather than those who believe in him, at
whom Satan is so much enraged.
To return to my story. By my means the knot of sisterhood between Rachel and Leah was disunited, and friendship and love fled to a distance far remote from their tents.
But this was not the finishing stroke of my artifice; for
when one generation passed away, you might always be
sure to find me with those, who made their appearance next
upon the stage of action. Hence I was found with the sons
of Jacob, and made them perpetrate deeds very unworthy
of the patriarchal character, and that even in the life-time
of their father. The destruction of the Hivites, by the sword
of Simeon and Levi, in revenge of Shechem's rape on their
sister Dinah, was wholly by my instigation. They grieved,
and that justly; but pride alone called up the demons of
Revenge and Cruelty, who drenched themselves in Canaanitish blood.
When Joseph dreamed of his future advancement, I prevailed with his brethren to hate him, and give admission to
every baleful demon; under whose influence, even at the
hazard of their father's life, they sold him into Egypt. There
I stirred up Sabrina, the wife of Potiphar, to revenge her
slighted charms upon him; Joseph himself to swear by the
life of Pharaoh, and to carry it very strangely to his brethren
in the time of their affliction, notwithstanding he himself had
seen such wonders of Divine Providence, as mentioned by
the writer of his life. Just it was that his brethren should
have been afflicted for their former perfidy and baseness;
but Joseph could never have been persuaded to be instrumental therein, but by my instigation.
IMPIATOR. I am surprised, sir, you should select the history of those reputed the best of men, for exemplifying your
dominion; whereas you make no mention of Ham, Ishmae'




OF DEVILS.                   173
Esau, &c. I thought your dominion over them was more
full than over the other.
FAsTosuS. I mentioned the best, on purpose to save myself trouble, cousin. For when you hear my power over
them, you will easily conceive that my dominion over the
rest of mankind must be absolute. I might indeed do myself honor by telling you of the part I had in the lewdness
of HIam, the despite of Ishmael, Esau's revenge, &c. &c.
but I understand it as all implied in the present plan of my
narrative. Indeed it would be endless to tell you of even a
thousandth part of my achievements; and I am persuaded it
is more agreeable to you, to hea? of my occasional prevalence
over the virtuous, than to have a full display of my uninterrupted dominion, over the infidel part of mankind, without it.
Yet it may not be amiss, by way of specimen, to give you
one instance of my influence over infidels in general.
Amongst the millions I might adduce, I shall refer you to
Basuris Pharaoh, king of Egypt, in the days of Moses and
Aaron. Notwithstanding the mighty signs and wonders
which God wrought by the hands of his Hebrew servants,
he was absolutely under my dominion, that he hardened
himself against the Almighty, disregarded the voice of his
prophets, and would not suffer the people to go into the wilderness to worship. Moses and Aaron wrought works unprecedented in the presence of the king and his nobles; but
I persuaded him that the whole was effected by the power
of magic, and that Jannes and Jambres, his own enchanters,
could do the same, were they called to it.
I had such possession of his heart, before any miracles
were wrought, that he thought himself inferior to no being
whatever, and scorned subjection even to the Almighty.
Pharaoh's magicians, in divers instances, by a divine pernission, imitating the wonders wrought by Moses and
Aaron, he persuaded himself that he was at least equal to
that God who sent them, and in the most haughty disdain
he said, "Who is the Lord, that I should obey him?"
You have all heard that no man hath hardened himself
against God at any time, and hath prospered: nor did he
prosper. I hardened his heart against every divine injunction, until the God of the Hebrews utterly confounded the
Memphian magicians, and made the haughty monarch, not
only willing to let the people go, but eager to thrust them
P2




174                  DIALOGUES
out of the land. However, they had not travelled very far
before Pharaoh, being a little recovered from his consternation, was induced by me to pursue and oblige them to return
to their drudgery, alleging the great loss which both his
majesty and the Egyptian monarch would sustain, by the
departure of such a number of vigorous slaves. Pursuant
to this purpose, he mustered his chariots and horsemen, all
the Egyptian chivalry, pursued the fugitives by dint of
sword to compel them to their spades and wheelbarrows.
Every one must praise my noble intentions; for I designed
that both hosts should have perished, the one by the sword
of the Egyptians, and the other by the thunderbolts of heaven.
I conjectured, upon good ground, that if Pharaoh destroyed
the Hebrews, the Almighty would avenge their blood upon
him and his kingdom.
The host of Pharaoh overtook the Hebrews near Pi-hahiroth, where the raging ocean met them in the front, and
a vast ridge of impassable mountains inclosed them on either
hand: "Glory be on me! cried the exulting monarch. See
how my happy stars have hemmed in the fugitives! Now
shall they either return to their servitude, or perish on the
points of Egyptian swords; and Pharaoh shall no more be
upbraided with a God greater than himself." But Pharaoh's
boastings were premature; his hopes were blasted before
they were full blown: for it came to pass, that the Almighty
took the cause of his people into his own hands, wrought
salvation for them, and with an high hand destroyed him
and all the Egyptian chivalry.
Business calls me hence, gentlemen. I hold it good that
we adjourn until to-morrow




OF DEVILS.                    175
DIALOGUE XIII.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
AVARO. Indeed, gentlemen, what I tell you is true, you
cannot conceive how much I am caressed by the grovelling
slaves.
FASTOSUS. Do not boast, cousin, nor let it once enter
your mind, that your reception amongst mankind is more
cordial and hearty than mine; for where there is one per
son who prostitutes himself to the devil Avaro, there are at
least twenty who fall down at the shrine of the adored Fastosus; though I will still own your craftiness has subdued
not a few to your grovelling sway.
AVARO. Not a few, indeed! Every nation furnisheth its
quota, to make up the number of my abject slaves, who
adore me under feigned names, suitably adapted to the genius of each country. For instance, in Holland, I am called
Mynheer Industry; in France, Monsieur Prudence; in
Spain, I bear the name of Don Diligence; in Austria and
Russia, as also at the Hague, I am known by the name of
Good Policy; and in Great Britain and her colonies, I am
called Mister Care, alias Mr. Frugality; but my true name
being rightly translated will read Covetousness.
Great advantages arise to us from the concealment of our
proper names. The word covetousness, you know, is of
such a true brimstone color, that unless I had some method
of dlisguising it, I could get but few adorers in comparison
of what I have.  There are thousands who delight to keep
ine under their roofs, by the feigned names of Industry and
Frugality, who would be afraid to be seen in my company,
under the name of Covetousness.  They rise up early, sit
up late, they eat the bread of carefulness, can never get
enough of work done by their servants and laborers; they
buy as cheap and sell as dear as they can, and are for ever
concerting schemes of money-getting; and yet they are not
covetous; all the world could not persuade them that they
are the worshippers of the devil Avaro. Even those whose
morning and evening desires run in the following strain:
"What shall I do to get money 1 How shall I manage to




176                  DIALOGUES
keep what I have got out of the reach of pilfering rogues?"
Such are their desires, and yet they are not covetous. Notwithstanding their increase, they cannot, with pleasure, as
sist the needy, unless by so doing they can serve themselves;
and yet they are not covetous. Such people are very apt
to consider gain as a proof of their godliness, and it is difficult for them to believe a poor man is honest. If his honesty
is so clear that they cannot deny it, they will tacitly charge
him with either indolence or want of economy, as they take
it for granted, any man may prosper in the world if he will;
and yet they are not covetous.
INFIDELIS. Your disciples, Avaro, it seems, have but little
acquaintance with that divine providence which we are
constrained to confess; that providence which emptieth the
store-house of one and fills that of another, according to the
dictates of unerring wisdom. But by long observation, we'have learned, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle
to the strong, but to whomsoever the Arbiter of the universe
is pleased to give the blessing. What most surpriseth me, is,
to see so many of your people among the professors of religion. Do you think they have never heard that those who
love the world, have not the love of the father in them;
and that friendship with the world is enmity against God 
Or do they suppose themselves capable of serving both God
and mammon?
AVARO. With your leave, sir, such texts of scripture are
of no weight with our people. Some consider them as interpolations, others mistranslated, others still deem them
erroneous, therefore not to be regarded; and all agree that
the force of such passages ought to be reasoned away. Yes,
brother fiends, you may meet with many, who, if their mental sentiments may be known by their outward conduct,
believe themselves capable enough of serving both God and
mammon, and that it is very consistent to love both God and
the world at the same time. All the week round, they are
so earnestly engaged in pursuing worldly advantages, that
one would suppose they had got an assurance that for one
thousand years, at least, to enter upon, their souls shall not
be required of them; or indeed one would think they believe
not a syllable of the Bible, or that there is either God or
devil, heaven or hell. Yea, so ardent is their chase after
gold, they cannot spare so much time as to ask their servants




OF DEVILS.                   177
whether they intend for heaven or hell at their death?
Whether they serve God or the devil? Whether they read
the Bible, or idle plays and novels? Whether they go to
church or ale-house on a Sunday; or, indeed, whether
they are Pagans or Christians, Papists or Protestants? And
yet they are good Christians themselves, members of
churches, and worshippers of the God of heaven.
Notwithstanding their fervent zeal for, and unwearied
diligence in, the cause of mammon, they will not absent
themselves from church on a Sabbath-day on any consideration; but, with all sincerity imaginable, with the devotion
of one holiday wipe off the stains of the former six, and on
Monday come forth as fresh for the avaricious chase as
ever. Thus, you see, my subjects, by their conduct, plainly
tell you, they believe it very possible to serve both God and
mammon; and thus they give the lie to divine testimony.
It is now as it always was; many people follow religion
with the same views with those of the loaf and the fish followers; they take up religion to procure a character among
men, that it may serve as a cloak for their mercenary purposes. The person deemed religious, being capable of executing avaricious schemes with greater facility and advantage, than the man who is known to be an enemy to all religion.
FASTOSUS. It seems, Avaro, your money-hunters can
adapt religion or any thing to the great end of getting. I
know thousands who would not attend the worship of God
at all, if they found not their account in it. I have laughed,
many times, at seeing the atheist and the deist come to
church and receive the sacrament, to qualify them  for
places of public concern. It may safely be supposed, that
men who believe not the sacrament to be of divine institu
tion, have some ends, no way religious, to answer, by their
receiving it. It is not a little droll too, to see many, who,
for conscience sake, dissent from the church of England,
when they have the prospect of preferment, come cordially
to the altar and receive the consecrated elements from the
parish priest. Mortal man could not do more to secure all
the emoluments of both church and state to their own party
for ever, than the authors of the test act did, and yet many
dissenters play tae devil in cheating them. It must be a




78                  DIALOGUES
close hedge indeed, in which some people will not find v
aole to creep through.
IMPIATOR. Ay, uncle, and it is every whit as droll to see
nany of my subjects, who never attend at church, except
upon those occasions; men who spend their whole time in
drinking, gaming, and whoring, admitted to the table of the
Lord, to serve a turn in politics, contrary to every rule, divine and human; and yet those men commence the pillars
and governors of the church, without coming near its assemblies on other occasions. These things make amazingly
for our interest.
INFIDELIS. Not many days since, your son Discordans
gave us a most agreeable account of some of his operations,
by the instrumentality of Prejudice and False-Reasoning. 1
should be glad, my nephew, if you will be pleased, to go
on with your story.
DISCORDANS. I have no objection, sir, if my honored parent will be pleased to permit. But Discordans cannot so
much as breathe, without the instigation of great Fastosus.
FAsTosUS. You do me great honor, my son, and have my
permission to proceed: but as I have urgent business in
hand, and am already acquainted with your story, I shall
leave you for the present, and meet you here to-morrow.
Darkness and confusion attend you all.
DISCoRDANS. This same glass, False-Reasoning, is the
mirror in which the Jewish clergy, doctors of law, scribes,
and pharisees, tried the doctrines and actions of Immanuel
and all his followers. By these means they were fatally
deceived, and led to reject the counsel of God against themselves; yea, hardened to that degree, as to say, the light
which enlighteneth every man that cometh into the world,
is absolutely darkness, and to charge the Maker of all things
with being a magician; even to put forth their sanguinary
hands, and murder the Lord of life.
You may think I was closely employed in those days, as
there was not a pharisee in the whole world, whom I had
not furnished with an inverting mirror and telescope. By
these means they became quite enamored with their own
supposed virtue, and held all besides themselves to be accursed; that is to say, heretics, because they knew not the
law; that is, they did not measure length and breadth, exactly according to the standard of orthodoxy, which in all




OF DEVILS.                    17'
ages has been the traditions of the elders, and not the scrip
tures of truth, as some have erroneously asserted.
IMPIATOR.  Hold, cousin, there I think you must be
wrong; for I myself was wont to hear Immanuel, (who you
know could not lie) refer his hearers to the scripture for the
resolution of all doubts.
DISCORDANS. That is nothing at all to the purpose, cousin. I readily grant, and none can honestly deny it, that
the scripture is the standard of truth; but truth and orthcdoxy are two things, very different, and sometimes diametrically opposite to one another. Bible doctrine is the same
in all ages and nations; but orthodoxy in one nation diftbrs
at least as much from orthodoxy in another nation, as the
several climates do from one another.  To go no farther
than Britain, you see what is south of the Tweed accounted the purest religion in the world, is, upon travelling flrther towards the pole, deemed corrupt, superstitious, and
antichristian. So it is vice versa. Moreover, what has been
orthodox and apostolic in one age, has had the misfortune to
become quite heterodox and damnable in the next; so that
there is no certain standard of orthodoxy in any nation: but
truth is always the same, and knows no standard but one.
Indeed the synod of Dort, and the reformers of the English church, have done what mortal men could do to fix an
everlasting standard of orthodoxy by tying all future professors to subscribe their traditions. But even that is insufficient. For, by the help of mental reservation, many subscribe contrary to their real belief; and others, who have
not that address, even go without a benefice, let them  be.
lieve the Bible ever so piously. Yea, I have known many
deemed heretics, and burned at a stake, merely for believing the Bible. Orthodox papists, orthodox episcopalians, orthodox presbyterians, and orthodox congregationalists, have
all had the honor of putting people to death for their want
of orthodoxy; that is, because they were daring enough to
think for themselves, contrary to the known maxims of the
orthodox priests, in every age. You know, it is observable,
that the orthodox are condescending enough to suffer cther
people to have thought for them.
IMPIATOR. What, cousin, has any sect of Christians, be.
sides our friends the papists, been found to persecute those
who differed from them?




180                   DIALOGUES
DISCORDANS. Yes, cousin, every sect which has at any tune
been happy enough to grasp the reins of government for
the time being. The worthy papists bore the bell of ortho
doxy for the space of twelve hundred and sixty years,
during which time much blood was shed by open massa
cres, secret assassinations, pretended judicatures, acts oi
bloody faith; and, at last, to finish the bloody reign of anti
christ, England, France, the Netherlands, and the valleys
of Piedmont swam with the gore of such who would believe the Bible sooner than the voice of the priests. Queen
Mary's reign furnished the orthodox in her day with a fine
opportunity of discovering their zeal for the church, by
murdering those who believed and obeyed the Bible; but
her reign being short, and Elizabeth ascending the throne
upon her demise, the other scale rose uppermost, and the
protestants in their turn became orthodox; that is, got the
government into their hands.
O the violence of reputed orthodoxy! Those same gentlemen were no sooner emerged from prison than they also
let the world know that they were not to be differed from
with impunity; that the formula of their faith and worship
must be regarded with as implicit obedience as that in the
former reign imposed by the papists. Now the presbyterians, independents, and other congregationalists, felt the
weight of their rage, or, if you please, zeal for orthodoxy,
and the good of the church. Now the prison-keepers, and
their friend Master Ketch, had pretty near as good a run
of trade as in the reign of Mary. And now the wilds of
America began to be well peopled with English protestants
and oppressed dissenters; and the good episcopalians at
home, kept the fleece to themselves, and had all the good
of the church before them. But those said presbyterians
and independents had no sooner crossed the ocean for conscience sake, and found themselves secure from episcopalian rage, than they themselves commenced orthodox and set
up their own formula as the standard of religion, to which.hey required as implicit submission from others as the good
bishops of England had erewhiLe done from  themselves;
and now the poor antipedobaptists and quakers were taught,
that a mittimus is a mittimus, whether it is signed by a paoist, an episcopalian, or a presbyterian; and that sentence
of death is to be dreaded as much from the mouth of the latter




OF DEVILS.                   181
as of the former. Those same dissenters, who had so lately
found Old England too hot for themselves, by the glowings
of priestly zeal for orthodoxy, soon made New England too
hot for the poor quakers and antipedobaptists; who, to escape the rage for presbytery, fled, the one to Pennsyl, ania
and the other to Rhode-Island, that they might not be compelled to worship God according to other people's consciences, and contrary to their own.
INFIDELIS. So then the old spirit of calling down fire
from heaven upon heretics, or those who walk in a different
way, it seems has prevailed in modern times as well as of
yore. O what a mask is that! human rage in the character
of godly zeal! It is wonderful to see people glorifying the
prince of liberty, but shutting their brethren up in a dungeon
for conscience sake; worshipping the savior of men's lives
by putting people to death, because they will worship him
in a different form; and it is as wcaderful that the ambassadors of peace, as they call themselves, should be the
principal agents of this violence.
DISCORDANS. But for the ambassadors, persecution haa
never been known in the world, sir.  The laity have so
little zeal for God, that they would, if not instigated by the
clergy, suffer men to worship him according to the best
understanding they have of his mind revealed in the Bible.
But the ambassadors are quite of another opinion; for, by
them it is determined, that God shall be worshipped in the
very mode by them directed, or he shall not be worshipped
at all, if they can help it. The honor of persecution, alias
punishing of heretics, must all be ascribed to the reverend
ambassadors.
IMPIATOR. By ambassadors, I suppose, cousin, you mean
popish priests in contradistinction from protestant ministers.
DISCORDANS. I mean both papists and protestants, cousin; and with me it is not very easy to determine which
best deserve the honorable appellation.
But to return to my story. I taught the respectable
pharisees in general the use of my instruments, which, as
you saw in the late experiment, perfectly inverteth every
object; and so, by my prudent management, those very
people, held to be the most religious of the Jews, were
wrought up to such a degree of self-conceit, as to fit them
for executing the will of the devil; still su pposing that they




182                  DIALOGUES
were doing good service to the God of Israel. Contemplated
under the reflection of my ingenious instruments, those
pharisees, who were darkness itself, considered themselves
as angels of light, and each became so enamored of his own
personal excellencies, that all who were not of their sect or
persuasion, were held in the most consummate abhorrence;
as accursed, and ignorant of their traditions, yea, even enemies to the Almighty.
They viewed Immanuel, the brightness of the Father's
glory, and express image of his person, by the help of my
glasses, in which, to them, he appeared as one come from
Beelzebub, and performing miracles in the spirit and power
of the great apostate. His immediate disciples were, indeed,
men of whom the world was not worthy; yet, viewed by
the help of these notable instruments, they appeared as
creatures the most despicable. Although men of peaceful
principles, willing to spend and be spent for the good of
mankind, they were held to be enemies to the public good,
men who turned the world upside down; unworthy of a
dwelling in the tents of humanity, and therefore thrust out
of the world with violence. Such wonderful works were
accomplished of old, by the help of these amazing instruments, and still they are perfect as ever, and fit for operation.
Even at this day, when the whole system of revealed
truth is examined by my inverting mirror, it is misapprehended as cunningly devised fables; a well-concerted system of falsehood; or a priestly imposition on the consciences
and understanding of the laity. Yes, my fellow destroyers,
by my wise government, many who value themselves as the
greatest masters of reason, are so absolutely stupid as to suppose that the eternal God has left men at large, without any
given law or revelation of his mind, to which their submission is required. Being thus stupidly absurd, you will not
wonder, that the same masters of reason have been ingenious enough to find out, that this world, unwieldy as it is,
was dexterous enough to create itself, and possesseth wisdom
enough to be its own governor.
INFIDELIS. By your leave, cousin, this last part of your ac
count belongs to my administration. You preside only over
dissension and division. I want to hear some of your operations of this kind.
DISCORDANs. True, sir. But if I preside over dissension,




or DEVILS.                   183
divisions, animosities, &c. you know I must be allowed to
use proper means, by which my works are to be propagated;
for I am not like those human fools, who expect the end
without using the means. Besides, sir, that one devil should
assist another, is by no means against the laws of our fraternity. If I, to promote my beloved discord, call in the assistance of your bewildering influences; I also, in a kind return, by the divisions which I foment, greatly strengthen
the slavish bands of great infidelity. Our interest being
mutual, I hope the worthy Infidelis will never grumble to
lend me all possible assistance, in striving to make this
earth, as much as may be, to resemble the regions of the
damned.  Moreover, our great prince and parent is no way
careful, about which of his illustrious family is the instru.
ment in damning a soul, so that the work of damnation is
effected.
INFIDELIS. I have no objection, cousin, to assist you, or.
any of our kindred. All I desire is, to have due notice
taken of my influence. Our leading view ought undoubtedly
to be the destruction of men, in compliance with the will of
our great ancestor. But I detain you.
DISCORDANS. The ancient pharisees were not the only
dupes I have had in the world. The great man at Rome,
the father of the world, and head of the church of antichrist,
has been as much my dupe as people of less eminence, as I
shall show you in the sequel.
INFIDELIS. What, cousin, have you become acquainted
with my old friend  I should like to know how that came
to pass, and what acquaintance you have with him.
DIscoRDANS. I accomplished it in the following manner.
First I presented his supreme holiness with a pair of my instruments, of the right Luciferian construction, on purpose
that he might, by their assistance, try all the bulls he should
publish, and all the causes which should come before him.
For it ought to be observed, the time was when the whole
world wondered at his infallible judgment. Infallible, so
given out, and so for many ages received. Yea, so powerful,
so efficacious has been the word of his holiness, that ere now
his very breath has blown the crown off from the head of
one prince, upon that of another. So very extensive his
sovereign sway, that to give a kingdom to a devoted friend,




184                   DIALOGUES
was no more to him, than to give a snuff of sneezing would
be to a trusty highlander.
From the use of my instruments there arises a necessity
that his holiness's bulls, &c. should be the most perfect antichristianism; so that in the inverting mirror they may as
sume the likeness of unerring truth. It is the same with
the persons and things which the hoary father is concerned
with: the sentence is, in general, contrary to the real intrinsic merit of the party or cause. Hence we find a turbulent Becket canonized for a saint, and placed among the
Roman deities; and a pious Cranmer condemned to the
stake. Regicide is rewarded as meritorious, whilst walking
according to the dictates of conscience is held altogether
damnable, both in this and the future world.
From the proper application of this mirror, popish bulls,
decrees of councils, canons of churches, human composed
formulas of worship, are supposed to be stamped with divine
authority; whilst the Bible, that only revelation of the dimine mind, is considered not only as insufficient to show to
men the way of salvation, but even dangerous to be read by
the laity; and it is absolutely forbidden their use, lest, by
knowing too much of the will of God, they should perish
from the popish faith. So the good old vicar obliges the
laity to go to hell blindfold without complaining.
Nothing can be more certain, than that either his holiness
the pope, or the writers of the scriptures, must be mistaken.
The former says the Bible is dark, mysterious, difficult to be
understood, and even dangerous to the souls of men; whereas the latter say, the scripture way of salvation is so plain
and easy, that the wayfaring man, though a stranger, though
even a fool, shall not err therein. The pope has, for weighty
reasons, been pleased to forbid the use of the scriptures, under the heavy penalty of death and damnation; Jesus, the
author of the Bible, commands all men to search the scriptures; and his spirit in Paul, applauds this conduct in the
noble Bereans.  Surely this points out the very person of
antichrist.  His holiness at Rome, and all other great leaders of the church, are of opinion that the scripture is not of
itself sufficient to be the guide of conscience, the rule of
faith and practice, therefore canons, creeds, liturgies, &c. are
introduced to make the formula of worship more complete.
But Paul the apostle tells mankind, that the scripture is able




OF DEVILS.                    185
through God, to make them wise to salvation.  So that the
one or the other must needs be mistaken.
IMPIATOR. His holiness of Rome was in the right, to forbid reading of the Bible, and they find their account in so
doing. The old Bible, I am told, tolerates even a gospel:
minister to lead about a wife, but confines him to one only.
Therefore this Bible did not suit my good friends of the
priesthood. But the pope's Bible, which forbids to marry,
and enjoins an unreserved auricular confession, gives the
gentlemen of the cloth an oppqrtunity, under the pretence
of being righteous more than others, of being lascivious to
the uttermost, and to defile all the nuns in the convent.
What full-fed friar would not choose a free admission into
such a seraglio, rather than be confined by sacred marriage
to one only wife 1 With them it is a rule, that much pleasure
arises from variety.
DIScoRDANS. So, cousin, I find you are acquainted with
our old friends, the priests of Rome.
IMPIATOR. I have been long acquainted with them. Why,
cousin, the greater part of them dwell in my canton of literal
fornicators, and they are all freemen in the district of mys.
tical whoredom.
DISCORDANS. I have taken care to furnish every true
member of the Italian church with a partial telescope, by
the help of which he takes a false view of the members of all
other communities whatever; and in the very spirit of the
ancient pharisees, holds all to be accursed who are not of his,
communion. By these means also, the holiness of real saints
is called heresy, and the heresy of the papists obtains the
name of holiness. The will-worship, superstition, and idolatry, of those sons of the mystic whore, they call piety,
whilst the pure spiritual worship of God, in Christ, is by
them termed schism and heresy.
In my instruments the papists, in general,. view the righteousness of Immanuel, as the ground of man's acceptance
with God, and therefore, say they, "It is all a chimera, a
mere shadow, a doctrine of licentious tendency, unfit to be
publishedl amongst mankind." But when they consider their
own personal merit, by the help of my telescope, they are
ravished with their own supposed excellency.  "A rightIeousness of their own," say they, "is a work of substance,
and will bear our dependence. Here is righteousness of my
Q2




1 6                   DIALOGUES
own working out, enough to obtain the favor of God, and to
spare. Blessed be my own hands for working out my salvation, and more than my salvation. Adored be my own
heart for possessing more than holiness sufficient to bring
me to heaven."  Of the same opinion is the Rev. Mr. John
Wesley, with whom it is plain, that the grace of God is insufficient to salvation, without the co-operation of the creature; who yet is confessedly incapable of doing any thing
aright. There is a very near relation between the old gentleman at Rome, and his kinsman at the Foundry. Both are
popes, though the latter is much more diminutive than the
former.
There was a time, when the whole assemblage of priests
took it into their heads to promote their own religion, and
to suppress that which had any tendency to lessen the importance of the sacerdotal order. For their more success
they inquired of my mirror, as an oracle, for detection, as
to means most proper for the purpose. Answer was given,
"By the power of the sword."  Therefore, in the popish
Bible, it is written, " Those who, in contempt of holy church,
shall take upon them to live according to the dictates of
conscience and scripture, shall die the death, and their estates
shall be confiscated to the prince of the realm, provided always that one full moiety of every such estate shall, without
deduction, be returned to his holiness at Rome, the prince
over the kings of the earth. Moreover, whoever shall hesitate about yielding his conscience to the guidance of the
priest, and shall not with apparent willingness bind his soul
to the horns of the pontifical altar, shall be deemed and
damned for an heretic; that is, shall be burned out of this
world at a stake, and shall burn for ever in the world to
come, according to the good pleasure of his merciful holiness."
INFIDELIS. Ah, cousin, the devil was sadly outwitted in
that affair; for although the burning of heretics was a pleasing diversion to our good friends the priests for the time being, it has brought them into contempt which wil prove
everlasting. Having set the world upon reflection, it is now
found, to our grief, that the religion of Jesus has no connexion with a spirit of intolerance, which, wherever it obtains, is known to be the spirit of antichrist. One would
really suppose, that the successor of St. Peter had quite for,




OF DEVILS.                   187
gotten the injunction given his predecessor, to cease from
the use of the sword and let it abide in its sheath, seeing he
accounts its edge to be the most convincing of all arguments.
But I interrupt your story, cousin.
DISCORDANS. Often have I seen the whimsical hermit
and fantastical devotee, take an ample view of his own religious proceedings, with this partial telescope and inverting
mirror, and thus sounds the voice of self-applause from the
hermitical cell at the bottom of Sinai, or on the top of Ararat.
"Lo, what a high degree of holiness my own self-denial and
assiduity have procured me. Behold! what great good my
crucifixion of the flesh, and separation from the world, have
wrought out for me; for which I may thank my own resolution. By my pious diligence I have obtained holiness sufficient to qualify me for, and good works more than enough
to entitle me to heaven. Happy I, who have made such a
good improvement of my time! Unlike to those indolent
people who, when they die, are obliged either to purchase
their pardons at an advanced price, or to lie for ages in the
flames of purgatory, burning away their rebellions; I shall
get safe to heaven without so much as touching at that
flaming prison on my journey."
IMPIATOR. Dear cousin, how I have laughed; laughed myself out of breath, strong and healthy as my lungs are, to
see the papal penitent, after he has in holy zeal whipt himself with the cat-o'-nine-tails, for the length of several streets,
till the impious offending gore has laid on the stones.  Enamored with his own fortitude in so belaboring the sinful
flesh, I have seen him, after his penitential work was finished, examine every stripe by the help of my valuable instruments, and as he viewed, he cried with the voice of exultation, " All, how infatuated are those who hope to get to heaven in a whole skin; without mortifying and punishing the
wicked flesh! To expose themselves to such severe exercise
in the discipline of purgatory, for want of devotion enough
to submit to the discipline of the church, how impious! But
I shall have a speedy entrance into happiness on my dissolution; for I mortify the members of this body, and these
wounds religiously inflicted voluntarily by my own hand,
will be so many mouths to intercede for me with the Almighty."
AVARO. So then, cousin, the intercession of Immanuel is




188                   DIALOGUES
quite out of the question, with your penitents, I perceive
And indeed those people who can whip themselves to hea.
ven cannot have much need of his advocacy and intercession,
If the whip, well applied, can save a man from destruction,
one would be apt to conclude, that Immanuel might have
saved himself the expense of such bloody sufferings and
agonizing sorrows as he underwent.
I)ISCORDANS. That is true, cousin; but their first concern
is not with Immanuel, but his holiness the pope. Not about
the favor of God, but that of his reverence the priest, who
is thought to have all the orators of heaven under his influence. Therefore, those that hope for favor with the inhabitants of heaven, must be very careful not to lose the good
graces of the parson; for it is thought, no man can meet
with a cordial reception in the other world, but what brings
proper credentials with him from the ghostly guide of his
conscience in this. But Death is a wonderful instructor,
and teaches the poor beguiled criminals, lessons which they
never thought of in life; and amongst others, this important
one, that the favor of the pope and priest can be of no more
service to a dying man, than the favor of Mahomet.
When the true-born sons of the scarlet whore, are pleased
to view the Protestants with my telescope, indignation rises
in the heart; and thus they give vent to their zeal and vengeance; " Ah, what a goodly heaven would it be to see those
heretics broiling in the flames of hell! When shall vengeance fall to the uttermost upon those who dare despise the
authority of the church and its holy priest?"
INFIDELIS. It is allowed on all hands in the church of
Rome, that to protest against the pope's supremacy, and disbelieve his infallibility, is the sin unpardonable; for which
no dispensation whatever can be obtained from the clergy,
however much their so doing may be approved in heaven.
And it is an article in the papal faith, that fire and fagot,
rack and gibbet, are the most convincing, or rather invincible of all arguments, and therefore never to be omitted in
the decision of religious disputes.
IMPIATOR. When we consider, sir, that his holiness of
Rome is not such an able logician as Jesus of Nazareth,
and hath a religion very different from his to defend, we
must allow that he is in the right of it to reason with the
adge of the coercive weapon. Fraudulent religion is liable




OF DEVILS.                   189
to many disadvantages to which truth is not subject; and
although the one will eternally stand of itself, against all
the machinations of darkness, the other will require the
assistance of violence and intolerance to uphold it. Who
then can blame their papal reverences for pulling the sword
from its scabbard, in order to convince gainsayers? I have
seen many, by dint of sound reasoning, most grievously confound the holy fathers, who became like dumb dogs that
could not bark before them, in a moment's time silenced by
the end of a cord, or some such irrefutable argument. These
are wonderful ways to enlighten the consciences of heretics,
gentlemen.  But I pray you, cousin, have you no concern
among the Protestants?
DISCORDANS. Not a little, cousin, which, to-morrow, I
may give you some account of; but at present must forbear,
the usual time of interview being elapsed. Adieu, my kinsmen, adieu.
DIALOGUE XIV.
DISCORDANS.
YES, gentlemen, strange as it may seem, I assure you my
advantages by these instruments are great, and my influence even over Protestants not to be despised. Though, it
is true, I am at no pains to prejudice the Protestants against
the Papists, or to make use of my instruments in order to
render the latter more disagreeable than they really are.
For, whilst in the body, it is impossible to make a thoroughbred papist more diabolical than he is already. I leave it
therefore with the Protestants to examine the worshippers
of the pope, in the mirror of revealed truth, by which the
anti-christianism of that religion is sufficiently detected;
and all the fallacy of priestcraft is brought to open light.
But, great is the business which I do between one Protestant and another; who, although they unanimously agree to
snake off the papal yoke, are most grievously divided among
themselves.  They abominate the high and arrogant pretensions of Rome; yet they themselves are severally the




190                   DIALOGUES
most orthodox, and drink deeper into the spirit of popery
than they are perhaps aware of, even of the precious spirit
of intolerance and bigotry.
When a zealous churchman, such as Sacheverel, or his
lordship of L      if, or a Durell, Nowel, or Blackett, examines his own party with my telescope and mirror; how
enamored is the good man on the discovery of his own excellency! How much of the self-opinionated strain flows
from his boasting lips! " There is no doubt, says he, but oiur
church is truly apostolical; the purest church in the whole
world.  We hold fast the form of sound words, and are no'
forgetful of the tradition of the elders."
INFIDELIS. No, cousin, they are not forgetful of tradition;
for with all the pompous parade of lordly prelates, there is
not a small part of the Episcopalian formula that derives its
existence from the traditions of even the Romish fathers.
Cringing and curtsying when the name of Jesus is pronounced; worshipping with the face towards the east;
keeping lent, and other holidays besides the Christian Sab.
bath; fasting on Fridays; crossing in baptism; with a great
many more, are all sprung from the Italian fountain. In like
manner the names of their priests evidently show that the
pope stood godfather at their christening. And he that but
looks on their canonical robes, must be instantly convinced
that they are cut in the true Italian taste. However, they
are not the only Protestants who hanker after papal customs; for even the Geneva cloak itself discovers the tailor's
acquaintance with the shops of Italy. And yet to hear the
Calvinists boast of their reformation from popery, one would
think we could not find so much as a shred of the strumpet's garments within the pale of their presbytery.
DISCORDANS. It is a rule with mankind in general, to look
out narrowly for the mote in the eye of another, whilst they
tenderly pass by the beam which is in their own eye; and,
as we have brought the world into such a state of disorder,
it is no difficult matter for the eye of jealousy to find faults
enough. Sometimes I clap my telescope to the eye of a
true son of the church, and direct him to survey the whole
body of dissenters; he obeys, and then exclaims, "These
same roundheads are schismatics, prone to strife and sedition; self-sufficient, turbulent, and uneasy bigots; haters of
apostolic discipline, and lovers of licentiousness, who there.




OF DEVILS.                   191
fore spit in the face of their mother, and wickedly leave the
purest church in the world."
IMPIATOR. I pray you, cousin, are there none apostolical
besides the Episcopalians?
DISCORDANS. O yes, cousin Impiator; all are apostolical,
if their own testimony is to be credited. All the Romish
clergy are apostolical, and give it out that Peter the fisherman was their great-grandfather. The church of Scotland
is also apostolical, and the power of the twelve apostles is
thought to have been transferred to the Scotch presbytery.
The Independents are apostolical also on account of the
soundness of their doctrine, and regularity of some part of
their discipline. But both they and the north country clergymen labor under some disadvantages; for the latter have
lost the deed of transfer, which conveyed the authority of
the apostles unto the presbytery; and the former are unhappy enough to be unable to produce either precept or
precedent from the apostles for infant sprinkling, which is
notwithstanding a foundation doctrine, and by them accounted Christian baptism. The Baptists, or, as the Independents
and Methodists respectfully call them, Anabaptists, you may
be sure, are not less apostolical than their neighbors, having, besides all the advantages claimed by the Independents,
the enjoyment of baptism according to the primitive institution.  So that no defect whatever, in point of a gospel
spirit, can hinder them from being apostolical.
Even Mr. Wesley and his preachers give themselves out
to be apostolical, notwithstanding Mr. Wesley asserts that
salvation is by works, which the apostle Paul denied. No
contradiction whatever will hinder the teachers of the people from considering themselves as apostolical. When I am
used to attend the Sandemanian church, after service-time,
and divert myself with their playing at blindman's buff, 1
confess I could not easily gather from what part of the apos
tles' conduct they derived their warrant for this game; any
more than for cards, skittles, attending plays and masquerades, going to Vauxhall, Ranelagh, &c. &c. and yet this is
the only apostolic church in the world in its own esteem,
taken in its proper connexions. However, it is said, some
of the oldest pillars of the church having had their shins
repeatedly broken, and the elders' noses having been smitten even to bloodshed, they have laid aside that dangerous




192                   DIALOGUES
play of blindman's buff, so very apostolical a few years ago,
and have found out ways and means of becoming little children, less dangerous and more becoming their infant capacities, by which they may spend the evening of every Sabbath.
IMPIATOR. By your leave, cousin, I have often been puzzled to find out how it is the prelates of the church of England came to be apostolical; and I protest I cannot, after
all, unriddle the mystery. I have heard my father say, that
the apostles were never consecrated to any see whatever in
England, and there was not half the number of apostles
there are of prelates even in this island. Moreover, I have
heard him say, the archbishops and bishops of the English
church are the successors of the archflamins and flamins,
the dignitaries of the old British pagan church, prior to the
days of Lucius. Now if they hold the honors and revenues
of the pagan clergymen, how is it that they are apostolical?
Is it because the name is changed from flamin to bishop, or
how?
Certain it is, the English bishops must be of a more nobB
order than the apostles. There are lord bishops; they possess great revenues; they are clothed in soft raiment,
and dwell in kings' courts; they are too high, too polite, too
dignified, to preach in a common assembly, or indeed in any
other, more than twice or thrice a year. But the apostles
were men of mean extraction, not lords, not right reverends; plain Paul, Peter, James, &c. They were contented
if their revenues would purchase food and raiment for
them; they seldom appeared amongst great men, in kings'
courts, otherwise than in quality of prisoners; they wer
willing to spend and be spent, in preaching the gospel to
all people, and on all occasions; they had no carriages, no
equipages, nothing to glory of but their afflictions, which
fell upon them in every place wherever they came.
INFIDELIS. There is some weight in your reasoning, my
son, and they will understand it hereafter. But, in the meanwhile, it is not clever in the churchmen, however zealous,
to charge the nonconformists with having separated from
the church. The church of England, in her rubric, defines a
church to be "a congregation of faithful men, where the
word is preached, and the ordinances are administered;
from whence it is plain, a church may meet in a house




OF DEVILS                    193
which has never a steeple; and a man may leave the house
of parish worship, or what is called the parish church, and
yet cleave to a congregation of faithful men and women,
where the ordinances are administered and the word preached, which the rubric, as before observed, acknowledges to
be the true church. Churches are built of living stones,
which never a parish church nor cathedral in England is;
therefore a departure from them can never, with propriety,
be said to be a schism in the church. My good friend, the
high churchman, is somewhat unkind to the nonconformists
in this affair.
DISCORDANS. I allow it, sir. But I assure you the nonconformist perfectly understands the law of retaliation, and
is an adept in the use of my instruments. In some zealous
hour of self-approbation you may hear his thoughts about
the Episcopalians. "These Episcopalians, says he, these
mongrels, are monsters in religion; like Ephraim, they are
neither baked nor unbaked, but like a cake not turned;
neither good protestants nor right papists. Partly they worship God, and partly they obey the pope. What consistency
can there be in such a jumbled religion? Can there be any
good, where there is so much papal dross and refuse 2 Any
true religion where there is so much false traditional superstition? Can there be any thing of the substance, where
there is so much of the shadow 2" So you see there is never
a sect of Protestants, but will occasionally do the devil a
kindness, in their treatment of one another.
INFIDELIS. This language of the nonconformists is not
general, cousin; for there are many who believe that a person may really be saved, although even not of their community; and that all who differ from them, are not to be
treated as absolutely enemies to God and all religion. The
like may be said of the good people of the church of England. For amongst them you will find some who do not
really think that every dissenter is absolutely in a state of
damnation, and hope at least that a man may escape hell,
even though he never sets his foot in the parish church.
However, I have often been highly diverted at hearing the
church parson on the one hand, railing against the neighboring dissenters as worse than the papists, instead of
preaching the gospel; and, on the other hand, the dissenter,
with the greatest dexterity, bandying back the curse upon
R




194                   DIALOGUES
his reverence, as the dog that barks at the sheep of Christ.
Prejudice, cousin, deals all in extremes; it never touchea
on the middle path of judgment, the path reserved for the
gentle steps of candor.
DISCORDANS. It is not enough that I persuade the most
bigoted part of both conformists and nonconformists, reciprocally to consider each other as the avowed and incorrigible enemies of Christianity, and themselves to be its warmest votaries. But I find means to procure the noncons a
sight of each other in my celebrated telescope, and each to
treat the different denominations with as much rigor and injustice, as if they were not followers or did not profess to
be followers of one and the same Savior. The hottest
episcopalian rage ever felt by their forefathers, discovered
not more bigotry than what some of them discover against
one another.
I was greatly edified the other day in paying a visit to an
eminent Quaker, who, when with curious eye he was examining my instruments, was moved by the spirit of self-conceit, to examine, try, cast and condemn all the sects of professors around him, as destitute of the inward power of religion; and thus, having my telescope at his eye, he began:
" Friend Episcopalius, I perceive thou art so carried away
with the form, that thou carest not for the power of religion. Vain man, shadows are thy delight, and thou little regardest the substance. Dost thou think, friend Episcopalius,
that the spirit is in the service-book?  Why dost not thee
read friend Barclay's Apology?  Dost thou suppose that
Christian ministers are ever to be seen shrouded in Romish
weeds and surplices? How can thy steeple-house be a rereptacle of the meek and peaceful saints, when there is
such a clinking of bells from the top of it 3 Is it not more
likely a synagogue of Satan, whose servants are turbulent
and noisy? Thy ministers preach for hire, friend, they take
tithes and offerings from the people, and how can they then
be ministers of Jesus Christ? I advise thee, friend Episcopalius, to consider thy ways, and turn to the light within
thee; then thy priests will let one shirt at a time serve
their turn, and will no longer preach for tithes and offerings. Then shalt thou thyself be led to renounce the fantasies of this vain life, and solicit neither for church nor state
preferment, but wilt content thyself with getting money in




OF DEVILS,                   19t
a way of trade, like our self-denying brethren. I say again,
vain man, consider how worldly are thy practices.
"As for you, my friends of the Presbyterian and independent denominations, I allow that ye do not conform to
the corrected mass-book, for which some praise is due to
ou. But, alas! ye conform to the world, notwithstanding.
ook ye, friends, your women wear ribbons of unholy colors; rings of gold, polluted by the profane hands of the silversmith; yea, ruffles, furbeloes, and heads frizzled up to an
enormous height, of downright French profaneness; your
women are ladies, madams, and misses, all of which indicate that ye are destitute of the inward power, and neglect
to look to the light within you. Yea, examine but your own
clothes, ye who call yourselves gentlemen, and see what irreligion discovers itself in every part of their fabrication.
Do you see, friends, your parsons wear clothes of an idolatrous black, and bands starched with superstition, after the
manner of popish and episcopalian hirelings.  Ye make
ministers, sprinkle your infants, use ordinances, and, like
all other worldlings, are as much attached to shadows, as if
the substance were not to come; yea, your clothes are
made of unholy colors, such as are worn by the servants of
the flesh; ye wear buttons, made of metal digged out of
the bowels of the sinful earth; even pocket-holes impiously
gaping in the fore-skirts of your upper garment; and to add
to the height of your carnality, your hats are wickedly
cocked, after the manner of the sons of antichrist. I charge
ou all, ye Presbyterians and independents, to turn to the
light within you, and that will lead you to the substance.
Then will ye forsake all these lying and worldly vanities.
"As for thee, my friend Baptismus, (continued the serious Quaker) thou art worse than all the rest; they have
given up some of the ordinances which were in use during
the apostles' days, but thou retainest every punctilio; in
this therefore thou art formal and superstitious. By leading
of people to submit to those primitive ordinances, thou dikhonorest the light within thee, which teaches those who
obey it to despise ordinances, as thou seest in the case of
our brethren. Besides, thy clothes are of a dark color, like
those of other hirelings and men-made preachers. Why
dost thou not imitate our elders in wearing cloth of a religious color, even of an holy drab  Observe me, friend, thy




196                   DIALOGUES
hat is cocked after a popish manner, and thou wearest a
button and loop upon it, after the fashion of an antichrist.
Why hast thou not hooks and eyes to raise it only to a half
bend, after the manner of the spiritual!
"It appears but too plainly, friend Baptismus, that thou
art still in the world.  Thy preachers also wear popish
cambric on their bosoms, preach for hire, and assume the
epithet of reverend.  Thee and thy friends make a mighty
bustle about what thou callest the scripture. I pray thee,
friend, turn thee from that dead letter, to the author of it
within, so shalt thou be taught to contemn ordinances, as
we do, and to give honor to none of thy fellow-creatures,
how much soever it may be due.
"But thou, my friend Wesley, comest more near to the
standard than any of thy neighbors. Thy priests are not
hirelings, having only food and raiment, and thou wisely
takest care of the rest.  Neither are they of human manufacture, but are all like unto our elders, sent forth by special
commission from heaven, from  whence thou sayest that
thou derivest thy own commission.
" Thou preachest the free agency of man also, and shuttest none out from heaven, besides those who will not fulfil
thy conditions, or, as our elders say, refuse to obey the dictates of the true light within them.  Nevertheless, thou
fallest short of perfection; for though thou despisest the
bishops as dumb dogs, thou art mightily taken with the
steeple-house; and, although thou thyself wilt be subject to
no ordinance but what thou thinkest meet, thou superstitiously bindest both thy preachers and people to the observance of every rite of what thou callest the church. I pray
thee, friend John, why dost thou pinch thy belly on Fridays?
What seest thou in the fifth hour more than in the ninth,
that thou shouldest set it apart for what thou callest devotion?  Why shouldest thou exhort thy preachers to read
the scriptures with thy notes, to read thy other tracts in
preference to all others, to pray at certain hours, as if the
spirit were at their command, and to preach twice every
day of their lives? Thou art too formal, friend, and regardest not duly the light that is within thee."
INFIDELIS. And so your friend, the Quaker, is pleased to
tell all the world, that he is possest of the spirit of bigotry
and self-conceit.  However, he is not the only bigot in the




OF DEVILS.                   197
world.  Bigotry is an epidemical distemper ar.ong mankind, and I know no greater bigots than the people who
profess to be the warmest votaries for unlimited charity.
Who was ever more bigoted than friend Barclay and his
quaking brethren?  Or who in the world is more bigoted
and dogmatical at this day, than the reverend principal of
the Foundry, that great votary for universal redemption, and
the spontaneous agency of men. So very highly is this
gentleman esteemed, by many of his people, that I have
heard his labors extolled above those of Paul the apostle;
and indeed himself accounted to be one of the two witnesses,
spoken of in the apocalypse. But in this they must be mistaken, unless by sackcloth, in which the witnesses prophesied, we are to understand prunella; for in black prunella,
instead of sackcloth, have all the prophecies of Mr. John been
published.
DISCORDANS. My friend, the Quaker, having triumphantly
surveyed the supposed imperfections of his neighbors, turned
the telescope towards himself; then gathering his muscles
into a smile of self-complacency, he said, Yea, it is evident
that I am a true follower of the light within, for I give
honor to no man, how much soever it is his due; prince and
peasant, noble and ignoble, are all the same to me, my fellow-creatures and equals. In farther obedience to the inward light, I do not pray, not once in seven years, unless
moved by an impulse from the spirit.  My inward bible I
often read; but the dead letter of external scripture I leave
to those who are fond of shadows.  My raiment too is all
made of an approved color, even of sanctified drab; and my
linen is plain, though fine and neatly dressed. Yea, and
Martha, my good wife, too, is separated from the world, and
is a suitable help-meet to a spiritual man; she wears no
furbeloes, no profane cardinals, capuchins, dominos, &c. but
all her apparel is rich, good and plain, becoming a separation from the world.
INFIDELIS. With the Quaker's good leave, I think the
faults he finds in his neighbors, are but little gnats when
compared to the huge camels, which to my certain knowledge he himself can swallow without straining.  Besides,
the virtues of which he makes his boast, even supposing
them to be virtues, are all external, and are no more than
tithes paid of anise, mint and cummin, whilst the weightier
R2




198                   DIALOGUES
matters of the law are neglected, perhaps even by this
precisian.
AVARO. I have often wondered what it is that makes a
drab color more religious and becominrg than another; yet
certainly it must be so, for the Quakers are wise, very wise,
and could not be imposed on, as every tradesman who deals
with them is ready to testify. Amongst my disciples I have
heard amazing accounts of the wisdom of the Quakers, and
the use they are of, in teaching even novices wisdom, by
their provident example.  However, I have as much wondered what the papists, episcopalians, and every other sect
of professors, discern so amiable and lovely in black, as to
induce them to make it a canonical color; and almost, if
not altogether, essential to the ministration of the word. No
doubt they have heard that Beelzebub is said to be drest in
raiment of the deepest black; and one would wonder they
should desire their ministers to be clothed in the same
uniform, seeing they professedly have declared war against
him and all his principalities.  Yet so it is; for any other
than dark-colored clothes upon a minister, would frighten
an auditory out of their pews, and the best of sermons
would not be worth hearing, if the preacher were not invested in the sacerdotal livery.
FASTOSUS. It is I, my friends, even I, who am  at the
bottom of that religious whim.  But for me, white would
be thought to become the pulpit as well as black, and green
would be as holy as gray.  I call it whim, because the
greatest of the Nazarenes, in ancient times, knew no color
which was more holy than the rest; and the same clothes
in which the apostle Paul made his tents, served him as
canonical robes, in which he also preached the gospel. By
this you may see that my influence is very extensive, even
in religious things.
IMPIATOR. What, uncle, had not Paul a gown and cassock, in which he preached, and a surplice in which he
offered up his prayers?
FAsTosUS. No, Impiator.  Where should he have them?
You may know that the gown, surplice, &c. were contrived
by the man of sin, I mean the son of perdition, whose principal seat is at Rome; but in the days of the apostles he
wvas not revealed, notwithstanding the mystery of popish




OF DEVILS.                   199
toctrine had indeed begun to work. But all this while we
forget our good friend the Quaker.
1NFIDELIS. Indeed, brother, we do not use the Quaker
handsomely in so long neglecting of him; but to make him
some amends, I must tell you, that I have often laughed
heartily to hear those precise gentry exclaim  against the
form of religion by others adhered to, as if they themselves
were nothing but spirit, when at the same time they are as
formal a people as any upon earth.  And in truth very few
of them know any thing at all of religion, besides that very
imperfect form which they have adopted.  But we are wise
enough( to keep our thumb upon that; for if the cheat were
discovered, I am afraid they would be glad to embrace that
part of the form of religion which they reject, in order
to obtain the power of it, of which the far greater part of
theie now are destitute.
DISCORDANS. I can tell you, the Quakers are liberally
paid back in their own coin. And amongst every sect of
Protestants hitherto mentioned, you will find some who
seldom  or never look at the people called Quakers but
through my telescope. Were you by, when the Quaker is
examined by the rest of the Protestants, you would almost
split your sides with laughing at their partiality and unfair
representation. Say they, " The Quakers' religion lies all in
their dress, speech, and money-getting. Their religion lies
not in the head, but in broad-brimmed half-cocked hats.
Not in their hearts, but in their coats. Not in their actions,
but in their tongues. All their public meetings are calculated to promote the great end of getting money, and increasing commerce; are not religious, but merely political."
By this you may see, that the Quakers are abused and
belied in their turn, as well as they abuse and belie others.
The above reflections are just enough when applied only to
some or to a great many of them, but will by no means hold
as a general rule; seeing you all know, there is now and
then a Quaker who breaks away from his subjection to the
god! of this world; and despising all that we and our sable
clan can do to prevent it, gets safe within the palace of' mmanuel.  Moreover, there are, at those public meetings,
some, though comparatively few, who have a truly religious
design in giving their attendance.  From these things yo:




200                  DIALOGUES
may see, my friends, that prejudice deals all in extremes
and knows not how to speak favorably.
INFIDELIS. There is a gross mistake, into which we have
with great vigilance ensnared the posterity of Adam. When
a small number only, of any particular body of people, are
found guilty of a certain evil, the crime is usually charged
upon the whole; and the precipitate, injudicious conclusion is, " They are alike." For instance, the Munster Baptists were once guilty of certain outrages, with which the
whole sect of antipedobaptists are to this day very charitably
calumniated.  And because very many of the Quakers are
amazingly wise to get money, and to keep it when it is procured, it is often said they are all such, and that Avaro is
their lawgiver.
Heyday, whither is the rule of moral equity gone, that'
the professors of religion cannot set their eyes upon it?
Where is that candor and benevolence, which the Christian
religion everywhere recommends, that you, cousin, have
gained such an ascendency over them?
DISCORDANS. By the instrumentality of these glasses, I
got the preachers of salvation by grace, traduced as Antinomians, and the doctrines of the word of God bespattered as
so many sources of licentiousness. For instance, the preacher,
as his duty is, declares, " That salvation is not of works, but
grace;" and may thus reason with the people  " You can
do nothing that will recommend you to the favor of God;
the Ethiopian may change his hue, and the leopard his spots,
as soon as you, who are accustomed to do evil, can change
your own nature, and learn to do well: for it is not of
works of righteousness which ye have done, or can do, that
your salvation cometh; but merely by the calling of free
mercy."  I intantly clap my telescope to the eye of the legalist, and he exclaims, " What an enemy to good works is
tlis same wretched Antinomian! According to him, we
may as well do nothingr as strive to procure the favor of
God; may as well lead lives the most vile and profligate, as
study to live righteously and holily; for, according to this
same preacher, our wickedness is as acceptable to God, as
our most holy and virtuous living.  Yea, more acceptable;
for he declares, that harlots and publicans shall enter into
the kingdom of heaven, sooner than those who do what they
can to procure eternal life by their holiness and good works."




OF DEVILS.                    201
Such is the language, not only of tne vulgar and ignorant,
but of many who profess to know much of religion. Whenever the self-sufficient Arminius is in the humor to try the
doctrines of tie gospel in my inverting mirror, and the
preachers of them in my partial telescope, he very candidly
and with great liberality, bestows upon them such as the
following reflections: "These wretched Calvinists represent the Almigaty God as a partial and unmerciful being,
who hides his gospel and withholds his grace from men of
virtue, wisdom, and prudence, whilst he reveals himself to
the most notorious transgressors. They say, that a man of
a regular inoffensive life may perish for ever, when a murderer, like Manasseh; a polluted prostitute, as Magdalen; and
a wicked oppressor, like Zaccheus, shall be saved. If this
is true, then we had better live notoriously wicked, than sober, righteous and godly lives. What wretched, what dangerous doctrine is this! they make God to be the author of
sin too; for they say that nothing comes to pass but by divine appointment or permission. They talk also of some
horrible decree, in which God is said to have ordained the
things which are coming and shall come. No need of holiness, if salvation is not of him that willeth; no need of diligence, if it is not of him that runneth, but to whom the Almighty showeth mercy. If God hath mercy only upon whom
he will have mercy, and hardeneth whom he will, we may
live as we please; for if we are to be saved, we shall not be
damned.  What diabolical doctrine is this!"*  Thus the
Arminian raves against the doctrine of the scripture, and
all its faithful preachers.
IMPIATOR. I pray you, cousin, who are these same Arminians? You know I am but little conversant with religious
people of any name.
DISCORDANS. The papists in general, cousin; and all the
unconverted, who have any notion at all about redemption
through the blood of Christ. Mr. Wesley and his followers,
the Baxterians and Neonomians; for none exceed them in
enmity against the purity of doctrine.  Thus you may see,
* These devils, I perceive, are not very exact in literally copying the
expressions, but content themselves with expressing the spirit of preach.
ers and writers. If any reader should think that Discordans does injus.
tice to the Arminians here, he may be satisfied of the contrary, by con
Iulting Sellon against Coles. Fletcher's defence of Wesley's minutes.




202                  DIALOGUES
that the Arminian party is by far the most numercus, and
most honorable among men, and therefore gains proselytes
from all quarters. Though, by the way, it is a pretty strong
proof that it is the doctrine of antichrist, seeing Immanuel
and his doctrines are everywhere spoken against, by men
of philosophy and natural religion.
INFIDELIS. You know, cousin Discordans, that we havs
found out many ways of opposing the pure gospel, and this
is one among the rest; under our influence, the grace abusing libertine censures the true Christian as legal, because
he strenuously pleads for purity of heart and regularity of
conversation. On the other hand, the real legalist, whether
he be Socinian or Arminian, alleges, that the evangelical
Christian is an Antinomian, because he utterly disclaims
the merit of good works in the business of salvation. Indeed, on all hands, those who choose either of the extremes,
never fail to censure such as adhere to the middle path of
judgment; which you know is the only path of safety.
FASTOSUS.  Your observation, brother, fulfils what is
written in Immanuel's own word, concerning these same
Nazarenes, "As for this sect, it is everywhere spoken
against."  However the enemies of true religion differ
among themselves, they agree in stigmatizing the real
Christian. Belarmine, Pucksius, Huberus, Hemengius, &c.
holy fathers of the Romish church, heartily belabored them
in their days; Dr. Whitby, John Goodwin, Whiston, &c.
of the English church, have carried on the dispute with
equal warmth, and improved the same chain of arguments
against them in latter days; in the present time Dr. Harwood of Bristol, Mr. Wesley of London, Mr. Sellon of Derbyshire, and Dr. Nowel of Oxford, have managed the popish
cause with amazing address, and all the while pass for true
Protestants.  So that everywhere, that gospel which is
suited only to the perishing sinner, is spoken against, as pernicious and subversive of holiness.
DISCORDANS. Our friends, the men of this world, always
view the sect of the Nazarenes in my glasses, and as they
look on them, they say, " What a despicable tribe is this!
A set of mean beggarly people, the offscourings of the earth,
and the very dregs of humanity. Not a person of any considerable rank among them. Led by the nose by a set of
illiterate dogmatical fishermen. What person, possessed of




OF DEVILS.                   203
any sense of honor, would frequent their assemblies, or have
any connexion with their societies "
INFIDELIS. Your remarks are very just, my worthy cousin:
for mankind in general have forgotten that the scripture
says, "Not many wise men after the flesh, not many noble
are called; but God hath chosen the foolish things of this
world to confound the wise, and the weak things of the
world to confound the mighty." So that the very objections
raised against them, prove the Nazarenes to be the people
whom Immanuel hath redeemed out of the world.
DISCORDANs. True, sir, but they see not the mistake.
But to proceed; my instruments farther represent them, as
a set of hollow-hearted hypocrites, whom our people tLius
deride. "What painted deceivers are these, who make
such a stir about religion, and affect such an air of sanctity!
Hear how they sigh and whine, whilst that rogue of a fanatic tells them his cant story about I know not what. The
scripture says,' Be not righteous overmuch; seek not to be
overwise.' And I dare say that we have as much religion
as they, though we do not make such a stir about it. I will
warrant me these hypocrites are more wicked in private
than we are in public; for, although they will.not get drunk,
curse and swear, as we do, they will cheat and lie like
the devil himself."
FASTOSUS. A demonstrative proof of the perfection ol our
conquest over them; for mankind in general do not only
hate godliness itself, but even its appearance.  And for this
reason true sanctity, devotion and self-denial are commonly
censured as hypocrisy.
DISCORDANS. As our good friends of the world are not as
yet perfectly agreed in their manner of aspersing good people, it happens that different people pursue different methods,
equally absurd and diabolical.  Some, for instance, are
pleased to say, "These people are melancholy.  See how
they hang down their heads like bulrushes as they pass
along the streets. One shall never see them look pleasant,
nor hear them sing a merry song, as others occasionally do
with innocence. I hate that religion which makes people
melancholy."
INFIDELIS. People greatly betray their own ignorance,
when they assign the cause of melancholy to the religion
of Jesus  the end of which is to revive and comfort the




204                   DIALOGUES
melancholy sinner, whose heart is oppressed with a sense
of guilt and defilement. To revive the spirit of the contrite, to bind up the broken-hearted, and to make the lame
leap for joy, because they obtain the prey. Nor do those
revilers of religion consider that they themselves, by their
contempt of Christianity, do all they can to excite the grief
of the sincere Christian, who cannot see his fellow-sinners
walking jocosely in the paths of perdition, without dropping
over them a tear of commiseration.
DISCORDANS. No, they never think of the real cause, but
with a disdainful sneer continue to say, "See how they
melt in sorrow; hark how they sigh and groan, whilst their
artful parson tells them an horrible story about death and
judgment, heaven and hell, salvation and damnation, with I
know not what. They are driven out of their senses with
such terrible doctrine.  Who would thus subject his conscience to the pedantry of those enthusiastic bigots, their
uncharitable parsons?"
FAsTosUs. The fashionable part of the world hate tc
think of death or judgment, because the very thought
would deprive their beloved pleasures of all their imaginary
sweetness.
DISCORDANS. That is just the case, sir; for another of
my friends says of the above people, "These ways, which
their parsons teach them, are enough to drive a man out of
his senses. What man of spirit could endure restraint from
all manner of pleasure? According to them, one must not
so much as play at cards, spend a cheerfu' evening at the
tavern, nor so much as take a Sunday's airing. Play-houses,
balls, and assemblies, must all be laid aside. And pray how
is our time to be spent  Read the Bible, truly, the most
tiresome of books; pray the one half of their time, and, for
aught I know, hear sermons the other half of it. What person of any taste could bear to be bound to the observance
of such measures? Let them  read the Bible who will;
give me a good play or novel. I will have none of their religion, not I."
INFIDELIS. It is true, plays and novels are light reading,
and well suited to the taste of people abandoned to dissipation. Nevertheless, even people of fashion may, if they
please, reflect, that reading the scriptures, praying, and hear



OF DEVILS.                  205
ing sermons, are subjects unfit for their ridicule; though,
by the way, 1 do all I can to promote this irreligion.
FAsTosUs. And as for me, I hold it good we visit our respective divisions, to see that the works of darkness be not
neglected; and that we meet here at the usual time.
DIALOGUE XV.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
PRIVY to their appointment, I watched in my solitary re.
treat, impatient for the return of the black fraternity, whom
I always found extremely punctual among themselves, and
observant of every appointment, unless some very urgent
business demanded their presence elsewhere. At the hour
appointed they arrived at the place of rendezvous, and having seated themselves on their respective thrones, the con
versation was opened by
FASTOSUS. I have been thinking of the stupidity and ignorance of mankind, exhibited in our last interview, and
cannot but wonder, however dark and blind, they do not see
that the very people whom they censure as enemies to holiness, because they oppose salvation by works, are the same
identical persons who are said to be melancholy with being
righteous overmuch. Reason, even unassisted, might easily
discover the palpable absurdity, and for the future avoid a
contradiction so glaring. I would have my slaves consistent
with themselves, seeing I have given them the name of rationalists. But error will always be inconsistent. However,
Discordans, we will leave the blind sons of infidelity to hug
themselves in their fancied rationality, and attend to the remainder of your story.
DISCORDANS. My sire, I am all obedience to him who
alone could give me being; and to resume the thread of my
story, would observe, That, strange as it may seem, I do, by
the help of these amazing glasses, make one evangelical
minister quarrel with another, and that merely because they
do not understand each other's manner of expression. One
man, for instance, will have it that Immanuel obtained his
S




206                   DIALOGUES
personality by eternal generation; another will have it to be
by div ne filiation; and another still is content to believe
him to be the only begotten of the Father, without attempting to explain how, or in what sense he is begotten or filiated. All of those three are firm in the belief of Immanuel's sonship, his Deity, and mediatorial capacity, as well as
every doctrine of faith. And yet, strange as it may seem,
those very men shall be so prejudiced against one another,
that they cannot comfortably have fellowship together; but
may even prove injurious to each other's usefulness. And
it may perhaps be very difficult to determine which of the
three discovers most of a gospel spirit. Every one is in the
right, and infallibly assured that the other two ought to
come into his opinion.
It is the very same with respect to diversity of gifts.
One is led, in a peculiar manner, into the doctrines of faith,
well able to state, define and defend them against opposition. Another is widely led about in the wilderness of
temptation and affliction, by which he obtains peculiar talents in comforting the distressed, and pouring oil into the
bleeding wounds of broken hearts. And a third is kept on
the mount of enjoyment: his heart is kept warm by a sense
of interest; by which enjoyment he is active and lively in
the work, a zealous promoter of practical godliness. All of
which gifts seem to be essentially necessary to a gospel
minister, and are all by the same spirit. And yet, would
you think it, these very men shall treat one another as unsound in the faith, in one sense or other? The first is deemed a dead, dull, and useless preacher, whilst, at the same
time, he is effectually stopping the mouths of gainsayers.
The second, it is feared, loves to be peculiar, and verges a
little  towards Antinomianism, notwithstanding  many a
feeble knee is strengthened by his ministry. And the third
is a rambling inconsistent preacher, notwithstanding, by his
instrumentality, many are brought to a sense of their sin
and danger.
These quarrels are of great use to our government, as
they fail not to reproach Christianity, stumble the weak believer, and grieve all good men. But this is not all. You
know that two men may have the self-same sentiments in
religion, and yet one shall choose to express himself in this
manner, and another in that, which difference of expression




OF DEVILS.                   207
only may be attended with very seric is consequences, if
candor is not present on the occasion.  This was the case
with Trebonius and Theodorus. Theodorus heard Trebonius
preach, on a particular occasion, found himself oflended
with some of his expressions, and thought it his duty to
make the preacher acquainted with it as soon as possible.
But as Trebonius has too good an opinion of his own attainments, easily to retract a saying, he vindicated not only the
doctrine, but the mode of expression. Theodorus was now
more than ever persuaded, that Trebonius was unsound in
the faith, and was not satisfied with verbally defending the
truths of the gospel, that is, his own sentiments, but commenced a paper war with Trebonius. His apology for this
step was indeed artful, for he lugged in both Christ and religion into partnership with him, and under their authority,
or pretended authority, he did what he could to impeach
the orthodoxy, and mar the usefulness, of Trebonius.
When Trebonius read the performance, he found himself
aggrieved, and something within him being deeply wounded, he resolved on retaliation. To work he goes: First establishes his personal orthodoxy, which he also called the
gospel of Christ; then vindicated his own proceedings,
which, by an happy turn of thought, he also linked with
the honor of religion.  Though the truth is, neither the
gospel of Christ nor the honor of religion had any concern
t all in the squabble. However, having first set himself
and his doctrine in a respectable point of view, he proceeded diligently to search out and expose every blemish in the
performance, and in the end did as much for his brother as
he before had done for him. Thus those two champions for
the gospel, that is for their own honor, went on exposin( to
the public, all they were acquainted with of each other's
weaknesses and folly; never once suspecting that by so doinc each was exposing his own want of wisdom, and a true
Christian spirit. Meanwhile, the friends of both were exceedingly concerned, and in vain studied a reconciliation
between them. But 0 what pleasure did it afford our society! And how did Ambitiosus and me, and other jocular
devils, laugh at their folly and childishness! From sources
of no greater importance than this, I assure you, most of
the quarrels amongst professors arise. But when the contention is once begun, it is hard to say where it will end.




208                   DIALOGUES
By these means we get the affections of Christians divided
one from another, and instead of being mutual helpers ot
each other, as the Almighty designed them, we make them
mutual hindrances and burthens; so that, though we cannot indeed destroy them as we would, we disturb and distract to an amazing degree.
FASTOSUS. My son, you would have had, comparatively
little advantage over these same people but for my inven
tion of school divinity. That is the great engine of th
devil Discordans. But for school-divinity, you might even
have retired to hell, or contented yourself with doing business among the laity, or in the unconverted world; for if
the professors of religion were content with what is written in the scripture, and chose, as much as possible, to express themselves in Bible language; there would be such
a likeness in expression, as well as sentiment, that very
probably you would find little to do amongst them.
INFIDELIS. I doubt it not, sir. Notwithstanding, I must
assure you, my kingdom has suffered greatly by.controversy.
For nothing has a more direct tendency to inform the mind
than well-managed controversy. But when it springs from
blind prejudice, and is carried on in a party spirit, it has a
wonderful tendency to strengthen my interest; especially
if the contending parties mutually agree to expose each
other as much as possible, as in the late squabble between
Parson Horne and Alderman Wilkes; and which is, for the
most part, the practice of polemic divines.  Those two important gentlemen, the parson and patriot, gave as much
pleasure to the court party, by flinging rogue and atheist at
each other, with so much patriotic zeal, as some divines, in
their polemic writings, have given the devil, by throwing
heretic, Arminian, Calvinist, Antinomian, &c. in each
other's faces.  Few  divines can dispute without calling
names.
DISCORDANS. I have before now stirred up a spirit of
jealousy between a minister and his people, and between
one minister and another, in a manner inexpressibly masterly.  For example, about a century ago, the accurate Camillus preached an excellent sermon at Potheina, which was
heard by several of the people to whom Junius was pastor;
and they, being greatly affected with the seasonableness of
the subject. and the practical manner in which it was handled,




OF DEVILS.                     209
invited Camillus to visit them, and preach in Junius's pulpit
not doubting but it would be altogether agreeable to their
beloved pastor. Full of the sermon, when they came home,
they could not help making Junius partaker of their pleasure. They expatiated largely upon the excellency of his
method, the fertility of his illustration, and the propriety of
his application; all of which they did not doubt but Junius
would admire as much as themselves.  But this was not
precisely the case. Junius could not help being sensibly
affected with what he had heard; but prudence forbid him
to deny Camillus his pulpit.
When retired, and reflecting on what had passed, he
strongly suspected that his own honor was injured, by his
people's high encomiums on Camillus's sermon.  " My people, said he, allege they never heard such an excellent sermon as that which Camillus preached.  It is something
strange, that this one sermon should affect them more than
all my seven years' preaching among them.  I never heard
them say half so much about any sermon of mine. It shows
a great want of affection and respect to me, as their own
minister, I conceive; and they shall hear of it at a time
convenient."
FASTOSUS. With Junius's leave, T think he discovers a
love of praise, which is by no means the offspring of an
humble spirit.  He would rather be flattered, than his people should be silent in his commendation. But the judicious
seldom think it prudent to say much in praise of any person
to his face, how well soever they may be affected towards
him; and that for two very good reason.-1. Such commendation has not a little the appearance of flattery, however sincere it may be in the party who bestows it. 2. There
are but few who are able to bear much commendation, without sustaining damage by it.  A man must be led deeply
into an acquaintance with his own nothingness and insufficiency, before he can bear to be praised and caressed.*
* It is a very common thing, in gospel churches, that if they have a
member of more usefulness than others, they exalt and extol him above
his measure; so that he becomes elated with self conceit, and in the
issue, when he cannot carry every point his own way, he turns against
his former caressers, and becomes a scourge of the community. In this
the righteous judgment of God is manifest, who will have all men to
appear in their native nothingness and emptiness, unworthy of the trust
and dependence of one another.
S2




210                   DIALOGUES
INFIDELIS. That is true, brother; and yet people may err
even on that head, and be cautious overmuch; for fear of
puffing him up by unseasonable commendation, may depress
the spirits of their minister, by withholding from him  that
countenance and encouragement, which his spirit and circumstances require.
People are, in all things, given to extremes; and either
a minister is caressed and almost adored as an unparalleled
person, or he has little or no notice taken of him. I remember a remarkable instance of this in the last century. There
was an independent church, who, having a minister of a
lively address and sound doctrine, one who bid fair for great
usefulness among them; yet a lineal descendant of the great
Diotrephes, who loved to have the pre-eminence; and one
who chose to direct them in all the concerns of life, in their
families, in their business, as well as in the church. To his
government they yielded themselves implicitly, and almost
adored the ground upon which he trode. With caresses and
favors they loaded him, until they had raised him to the very
height of self-sufficiency and importance; from which they
themselves at last assisted to cast him down; and the contempt they poured upon him, pretty nearly equalled their
former caresses. After him they had another, of an almost
contrary disposition. He had but a very mean opinion of
his own abilities, either for preaching or governing. He had
such constant acquaintance with the power of his own corruptions, that he was commonly low and depressed in spirit.
He never assumed any superiority over even the meanest
member, firmly believing himself to be the vilest and most
unworthy sinner of the whole community: he stood in need
of all encouragement possible, in order to hearten him for
his work. Yet the same people, who had destroyed the former with unseasonable kindness, suffered the latter to drag
on heavily all his days, so that from them he seldom or never
heard of his word having been made useful. And I suppose
he must have sunk under his discouragements, if strangers,
who afterwards came into the church, had not been more
free with him in discovering some degree of affectionate regard. Different spirits will require different usage, in order
to preserve their usefulness: what was death to the former
of those ministers, would have been life and vigor to the
latter; and what so exceedingly weakened the hands of the




OF DEVILS.                   211
latter, would m all probability have been the preservation
of the former. But we forget Parson Junius, cousin.
DISCORDANS. Sir, Junius would have his own humor;
and, accordingly, when the time came that Camillus made
his visit, any person attentive to Junius's behavior, might
easily find that his friend's room would, to him, have been
more agreeable than his company, notwithstanding, for decency's sak-, he forced himself to carry it to him with some
degree of seeming civility: I say seeming, for even Christian people have not as yet learned to be exactly, on all occasions, what they seem. But Camillus is a sagacious man,
and soon perceived Junius's coldness, through all his formal
civility and seeming deference. He began to question with
himself from whence this coldness might have proceeded 
In what he might have given offence   But never dreams
that jealousy is at the bottom. Is he not offended with my
doctrine? said he to himself.  What can be the meaning
of this distant carriage of his? What have I done or said
that might give him umbrage? So Camillus reasoned, but
hit not upon the real cause. And as Camillus is somewhat
fond of his own sentiments, though a man inferior to few
who are accounted good and religious, he could not help
being in doubt about the orthodoxy of his friend. By these
means, happily invented by me, this well-designed visit, instead of answering the valuable ends of promoting religious
friendship, rather tended, by my intervention, to alienate
their affections from each other.
Junius would still have his own humor, and from that day
forward discovered a shyness to those who seemed most delighted with Camillus; and when occasion offered, he did
not spare bestowing on them, what is called a dry rub.
This was not all; for Junius could not leave his prejudice
behind him when he went to the pulpit, where he adapted
his discourses accordingly. On the other hand, his people
could easily see he was not in his usual spirit; and they
concluded that they had given him no just cause of offence.
Meanwhile, both parties mutually watched each other's
words and deportment.  If Junius happened to speak any
thing harsh, either from the pulpit or in common conversation, it was said to proceed from a bad spirit. On the other
hand, if any of them happened to object to any thing spoken
by him, he immediately concluded, either that his people




2112                  DIALOGUES
were prejudiced against him, or did not love sound doctrine,
for he had not a doubt of the soundness and truth of his own
doctrine. And so they went on, until, in the issue, there was
a final separation. Behold, gentlemen, how great a fire a
little spark of my nature kindleth. Every well-wisher to the
Beelzebubian government must acknowledge, that the devil
Discordans merits much applause.
FASTOSuS. I speak for the rest, my son, and own that your
usefulness is of great extent. I persuade myself your royal
grandfather will well reward you, by giving you eternal
duration among the people of the nether regions; for certainly your achievements merit the greatest esteem. Why,
my son, you make the Nazarenes weak as other men.
DISCORDANS. After all, I assure you, at certain times, I
have hard work of it. I mean when Mr. Submission, my
avowed enemy, and me, happen to meet. This Submission
is one of Immanuel's own children, a very great peace-maker.
therefore his business is directly opposite to mine; and al
though I hate him, I must say, he is one of the meekest persons upon earth. Never is he known to quarrel with any
person, except myself. And I confess, that in every scuffle
with him hitherto, I have had the worst of it; but I thank
my stars, it is very seldom I meet with him. When we do
meet, meek as he is, I am quite nonplussed, and am obliged
either to flee, which I abhor, or to fall before him, which is
yet a greater mortification to a spirit so noble as I am.
INFIDELIS. So then, cousin, I perceive you are as ill put
to it when you meet with Submission, as I am when I encounter his elder brother Fides. Fides is a warrior with
whom I have maintained a very long, though not doubtful
war; not doubtful, because I am worsted as sure as ever I
enter the lists with him. With great facility I can overturn
the power of every other heavenly chieftain; but this fellow,
this same Fides, is Immanuel's champion, and has performed
the most unparalleled achievements; such achievements as
never were performed by any hero besides himself. le hath
subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises,
stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the violence of fire,
escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness hath made
people strong, causing even the fainting to wax valiant in
fight, turning to flight the armies of the aliens. He hath
given to women their dead children again, sustained others




OF DEVILS.                   213
under the most cruel tortures, in such a manner, that they
would not accept of deliverance; gave a good report of the
promised land, to those ancient worthies, who walked about
in sheep skins and goat skins, destitute, afflicted, and tormented, of whom, notwithstanding they lodged in dens and
caves of the earth, the world itself was undeserving.
These are a specimen of his achievements. But great and
heroic as he is, he finds that I also am of noble deeds; a
spirit not easily rendered inactive, and more difficult still
entirely to subdue. Although he has the promise of the
most complete victory in the end, I put him to exert his utmost; for when, to appearance, I am dead as a pebble, and
Fides has the sole pre-eminence in the soul of man, I play
Reynard with him, and feign myself dead, in order to escape
the vengeance of his arm.
In time he finds out my deceit; for I watch the opportunity when he is in the very height of a paroxysm, and can
scarcely breathe. He is exceedingly troubled with fits,
which will sometimes hold him for a long time together, and
in which you would take him to be wholly dead. Then I
take the advantage, and rise upon him with all my powers,
and beat and bruise him, until life begins to return, which is
not always of a sudden. But when he feels the weight of
my arm, and the smart of the wounds which I inflict on him,
his spirit returns with renewed vigor; he unlocks the magazines of grace, and brings forth such implements of war as
I am not able to stand against; so that before he is well
out of his fit he is as strong as ever. At other times he is
a long while before he is freed from the effects of his fits;
weakness, indisposition and languor, hang upon him for many
months; at which time he receives no mercy at the hand of
Infidelis.
This fellow is of the most amazing constitution; for
whereas, on one hand, idleness never fails to throw him into
a lethargy, so on the other, hard labor, severe conflicts, and
cruel buffetings, never fail to make him strong and vigorous;
and what is very remarkable in itself, but very unlucky for
me, is that the more he is beaten and bruised, the stronger
he grows; and these fits, in which you would take him to
be just a-dying, it is said, only tend to make him the more
robust and lively; which is the reason that, although I fro




214                   DIALOGUES
quently put him to great pain, 1 am always discomfited in
the issue.
However, gentle friends, you must allow, when circumstances are considered, my valor will at least equal, if not
prove superior to, that of Fides. He fights under a certain
assurance of victory, and knows, of a truth, that in the end
he shall be more than conqueror; I as well know that I
shall be discomfited, which would dishearten any besides myself. Yet, notwithstanding the discouragement, I give him
many a vigorous turn for it ere I desist, and foully trip up
his heels oftener than thrice. Even when I have him down,
sprawlingand gaspingfor life, Iam conscious he will afterward
renew his strength, and give me a most severe drubbing; and,
that his victorious hand shall, in the end, put a period to the
days of great Infidelis. Yet this noble principle of royal
malice prompts me on, and I will not yield an hair's breadth
whilst life endures. O the fearful combats I could relate,
which I have had with this heavenly champion, this same
Fides!
FASTOSUS. We shall be glad to hear of them, my brother,
at another time; but at present, if agreeable, I should like
you to resume the story, part of which we have already had,
respecting the progress of your kingdom.
INFIDELIS. You have already heard how agreeable to his
holiness my instructions were, as also of the laws by which
the whole system of religion was inverted, and how the
pious priest had invested himself with the perfections of
Deity. I knew that the introduction of this new Christianity
might be attended with some difficulty, therefore advised
his holiness, the father of the world, to deify some others as
well as himself; but, at the same time, lest his supremacy
should be in any wise infringed, to take care that none should
be deified until after their death, and that only with an inferior rank of godship. He took my advice, canonized a
vast number under the title of saints, and ordained masses
to be said to them out of his own newly composed Bible:
for the old Bible, in use among primitive Christians, having
its laws so contrary to those of the pope, was, by his authority, made null and void; and Rome, once the mistress of the
world, became the mother of harlots; once more the seat
of paganism.  But, for distinction's sake, we call the latter




OF DEVILS.                    215
Christian-pagans; because they exercise all their villany
under the specious show of Christianity.
In Drder to support the Christian pantheon worship, slaugrhter-houses were built, and called holy inquisitions; where
every one who was known to deny the supremacy and infallibility of his holiness the pope, or so much as harbor a suspicion concerning the papal faith, was treated with as little
mercy as if he had been in hell. By these means, people
were kept in the most dreadful awe; so that, if any man
happened to be intelligent enough to see through the cheat.
he was obliged to keep his mind to himself; well knowing,
that one word spoken against the lucrative faith of the priests
would have insured his certain death, by means the most
barbarous and cruel. By this amazing subtility of priestcraft,
with the utmost security they carried on their villany, under
the mask of sanctity, for many centuries, and all Europe
trembled at the indignation of the priesthood.  For by
means of my brother's medals, and titles of ecclesiastical
dignity, together with my blinding influence, the various
orders of reverend fathers clave as fast to his holiness, as
scales to one another on the impenetrable back of leviathan.
Yet, terrible as the priesthood were, they could not totally
prevent the light of the gospel shining, less or more, in some
parts of Christendom, especially in Britain; where Wickliffe
and his disciples gave their reverences no small uneasiness; for which they poured vengeance upon his bones forty
years after his demise. This same scripture light, kindled
in England by Wickliffe's ministry, spread itself to the continent, where first John Huss and Jerome of Prague galled
the sides of popish prelates: for which the very pious coun.
cil of Constance, first recommended them to the care of the
devil by excommunication, and then, in the name of the
God of mercy, condemned them to be burned to death for
believing the Bible. It is amazing to think, with what dexterity they have lugged in the name of the Almighty, tc
sanctify their murders on all occasions.
About a century after this, a very strict inquiry after truth
negan, by the instrumentality of John Calvin and Martin
Luther, two avowed enemies to popish wickedness.  This
revival of religion was very alarming to the priests of Rome,
and very injurious to my government. His infallible holiness, instigated by the devil Crudelis, voted their immediate




216                  DIALOGUES
destruction, by fire and fagot, by poison, assassination, or
any way; for there is nothing dreaded by this same vicar
of Christ, so much as the spreading of gospel knowledge.
These measures, however, I withstood; having from past
experience found, that coercive measures are by no means
the most likely to reduce professors of religion to the obedience of infidelity; and I thought it better to send the
devil Discordans to visit them, with instructions to make
them quarrel about the forms of religion; this I took to be
the most likely method to invalidate the testimony of both,
and to baffle and confound their followers. This was done,
and they jarred exceedingly about circumstantials; but do
what we would, they spake of the doctrines which are absolutely necessary to salvation, with perfect uniformity,
which greatly frustrated our dark designs; and this fire of
reformation so lately fanned, by degrees spread itself on the
continent, and in Great Britain, where it arose in the days
of Wickliffe.
The pope and me, being loth to give up the government
we had always been accustomed to have in these nations,
did what we could to stifle the reformation: but, alas! it
went on with rapidity in the days of Edward, and might
have made greater advances than it has ever yet done, if,
luckily for his holiness and me, that prince had not been
taken away in early life. Mary, being a princess just fitted
to our turn, no sooner ascended the throne, than I flew to
England, accompanied by the devil Crudelis, resolving, at
all events, to crush with oppression all who rebelled against
me and his holiness. To this salutary purpose, were transDorted from the pope's arsenal abundance of hempen cord,
and fagots beyond number, that we might oblige the people to renounce Jesus Christ, and worship his Romish infallibility.
There were, in those days, two lusty bishops, right reverend tyrants in the devil, Bonner of London, and Gardiner
of Winchester, who, hearing of our arrival, came, equipped
in their prelatic robes, to do us greeting, and bid us welcome to the British shore. This brace of right reverend
prelates, we appointed prime inquisitors in matters of faith,
and principal agents of our intended cruelty. Indeed none
that ever sustained the office of priest, ever were more trusty




OF DEVILS.                   217
friends to the government of Rome and hell, than were
those worthy prelates.
The vigilant devil Crudelis ceased not, day or night, from
persecuting the saints, so that many of the ringleaders of
the sect of the Nazarenes were apprehended, tried, con
demned, and tormented to death, at a stake; such as arch
bishop Cranmer, bishops Hooper, Latimer, Ridley, &c. But
as it happened in former persecutions, so it fell out in this,
the ashes of burned saints proved such fertilizing manure
to the church, that, in defiance both of hell and the pope,
the detested Nazarenes became by far more numerous.
Wherefore, if our friend Mary, of zealous and scarlet menmory, had not been summoned hence to receive her reward,
the poor devil Crudelis must necessarily have desisted,
merely from  incessant and unsuccessful fatigue, and the
Nazarenes would have obtained rest solely from our desperation.
But when Immanuel beheld such havoc made of his church,
and so many places bathed with sanctified blood, his wrath
took the alarm; in his judgment, he cut down the zealous
queen and her two trusty bishops, and raised queen Betsy
to the throne of England. Now the sword of persecution
was wrested from the hands of the papists, and the good
pet r V of the church of England did for the Puritans what
the zealous pa,pists had done for them, during the reign of
queen Mary. This same queen Elizabeth was a great zealot
for high church, and a vigorous nurse of Episcopacy; but
the Brownists, and other dissenters, felt the full weight of
her regal vengeance. I happily prevailed, unexpectedly,
with the divines of the established church, to retain the
more refined part of the popish system; which those men
who were for a more thorough reformation, both in doctrine
and discipline, could not comply with; and, for their noncompliance, we taught them that the arm of Episcopacy is
every whit as heavy as that of popery, when it is exerted
for the good of the church. And, for my own part, I prompted their reverences to coercive measures, being very apprehensive that the reformation might have been carried on
farther than it really was.
AVARO. And I assure you, I myself was not idle in those
days, but played my game into the hands of great Infidelis.
I met their lordships the prelates, (I shall never forget it)
T




218                   DIALOGUES
in full convocation, and reasoned with them on the intended
reformation, and unto my arguments they lent a willing
and attentive ear. " Well, gentlemen," said I, " do you intend to come to a thorough reformation, then, and reduce
Christianity to its primitive simplicity? Have you considered, gentlemen, that in so doing you must lose your princely
revenues, and descend to a level with plain Peter, Paul, and
Barnabas, which must needs be a very mortifying step to
scme of you 3 Recollect, I pray you, how long your present
profits and dignities have been enjoyed by your predecessors in your several sees.  Long before Christianity was
known in Britain, even beyond the ken of history, this nation was divided into the several bishoprics and archbishoprics by you enjoyed.  Through all the ages of popery,
the same division of the nation into archflaminries and
flaminries, continued under their present denominations;
and will you discover such a degree of mortification, as to
give up the profits annexed to your ecclesiastical dignities I
That were to show, indeed, that Protestant bishops have
less providence than Pagan flamins. Yet, if you are determined to purge your religion from every relic of popery,
your profits, gentlemen, must be parted with, your revenues
must be enjoyed no more; and how will this be relished by
you'" By such sensible and seasonable remonstrances, I,ron greatly upon the minds of their lordships; and, in t.
issue, it was resolved, that rather than part with their dignities and revenues, they should submit to many things,
which have no foundation in scripture.
FASTOSUS. You bring to my mind, cousin Avaro, the reception I met with by the dignitaries of the ancient church,
on the distribution of the forementioned medals. I went,
attired in my robes of state, to deliver one of my arch-episcopalian medals to a certain priest, whom I instantly created " His grace and most reverend."  He mumbled over
to himself several times, " most reverend, his grace," viewing the medal with the closest attention. It is, it is, said
he, a very soft and agreeable mode of address. Most reverend; his grace.  Yes, my lord, said I, it is very musical,
and what I myself only am capable of composing. A mode
of address very becoming the dignity of an archbishop.
Humble preachers, such as Petor, Paul, Timothy, and Titus,
might be very well contented, without being their graces




OF DEVILS.                   219
and most reverend; for they were not, as you are, courtiers,
clothed in soft raiment. But for a spiritual courtier, for the
primate of a province, to prostitute his name to vulgar
mouths, would be highly unbecoming, would greatly eclipse
the honors of your elevated station.  "But, worthy sir, returned he, you know this is a very censorious world in which
we live, and some people may be wicked enough to suppose, that such a title as, his grace, does not so well become
a man whose breath is in his nostrils, and I may be censured
as ambitious." I hope, my lord, replied I, you will not meditate too much on the gloomy subject of mortality, or that
wil make your dignity cumbersome, indeed. Honors fade,
sir, on the prospect of the grave. As to your being censured, as proud and ambitious, I hold the contrary; it will
be deemed essential to your high estate, and the use of the
Bible being prohibited, the laity will not know but your order is of apostolical institution. Besides, there is my lord
duke enjoys the same title of address with your grace; so
that, instead of being censured as proud and antichristian,
all ranks of people will revere you the more for it; especially, as it will make you a fit companion for princes. The
nobility will consider you as their superior, inasmuch as
a spiritual duke is superior to a temporal; so that, in the
church, your seat will be next to the cardinal's, and in the
senate house, next to the prince himself. The gentry will
fawn upon you, spaniel-like, in order to obtain preferment
for younger sons, and the vulgar will adore you as a demigod.
I would farther advise you, to lay aside preaching to the
vulgar race, and apply yourself wholly to the affairs of
state; unless called to it, may be, once in seven years, to
preach to the king and his nobles. " Ay, replied the worthy prelate, but how shall I dispense with the obligations I
am under, as a bishop, to meditate on these things, to give
myself wholly to the ministry of the word and prayer; yea,
to be instant in preaching the word, in season and out of
season?" Oh, sir, replied I, you need be under no concern
about that. " Surely, sir, that is the duty of a bishop," replied he. Yes, very true, said I; the duty of bishops such as
were in the apostles' days; such bishops as are appointed in
the New Testament. But what has that to do with the diocesan bishop, or an archbishop, of whom you yourself are




220                   DIALOGUES
the first. There were none of them, you know, in the apos.
ties' days; none appointed in the word of God. And therefore the laws which bind scriptural bishops to obedience,
can have no manner of power over you, as diocesans; much
less can a metropolitan, such a bishop as the apostles never
thought of, be under any such injunctions. Surely your
grace must know that a lord bishop, or a gracious metropolitan, must have enough to do without preaching the gospel
Yet if these things are not sufficient to remove the scruples
of your mind, and you should still have a notion, that
preaching is a duty incumbent on you, I can put you in a
way to satisfy your conscience, without abating any thing
of your greatness.
"Pray, sir, be so kind," said he.  May it please your
grace, replied I, it is neither more nor less than to preach
by proxy, as people plead their causes in a court of judicature. You know it is the same in effect, whether you preach
in person or by proxy, so that your numerous flock have
preaching enough.
Farther, with your grace's leave, I do not think it becoming your dignity, even to say prayers in your own family.
How far beneath the character of such a spiritual dignitary, to be down on his knees amidst his servants, worshipping
his maker! Let me advise you, either to lay aside family
worship altogether, or have it performed by a chaplain.
This will have two very great advantages attending it. 1.
It will save your grace a great deal of hard and unpleasant
labor. And 2. It will make your grace's piety to be admired
by the vulgar. Methinks I hear one say to another, " What
a good man is my lord, the archbishop! For although he is
too high for saying prayers himself, or has got so much that
he has no need to pray, he gives a good salary to Mr. Honeylip, duly to perform the offices of religion in his stead."
All this while, the good archbishop continued absorbed in
thought. and, awaking as from a trance, he said, with astonishment glowing on his countenance, "Sir, you amaze
me! So pertinent your counsel, so persuasive your address!
You have more than half brought me over to your opinion,
as my future conduct will testify."
Having succeeded, even beyond expectation, with his
grace the archbishop, I waited immediately on all the dio



OF DEVILS.                    221
cesans, within the pontifical jurisdiction, and took the most
likely measures to bring them over to our interest.
1. I persuaded them, as I had done the archbishop before
them, that the worldly grandeur with which I and his holiness had invested them, was certainly too heavy a burthen
for them, to be able to ascend the pulpit stairs, above once
or twice a year; and that even then it ought not to be to
preach to an ordinary congregation.
2. That they might discharge their duty, to the souls
within their respective dioceses, by providing vicars to
watch over them in their stead, in their several parishes or
divisions, that they might freely spend their time either at
the court of Rome, or at the courts of their several princes,
without sustaining loss at home.
DISCORDANS. Why, sir, according to your account, the
readiest way to stop the mouth of a noisy preacher, is to
make a bishop of him.
INFIDELIS. The only way in the world, cousin. Had the
king of England given a bishopric to the noisy Whitfield,
as he was advised to do by a certain nobleman, it is unknown what mischief might have been prevented. A bishopric would have done him more real injury, than if all the
bishops in England had written against him. You remember well how Dr. D-d once threatened our ruin, and
promised fair for doing a mischief to our government; until
our happy stars fixed him in a prebend's stall, and a r —1
chaplainship; since which time he has been quiet enough,
and lets people sleep on and take their rest securely.
FASTOSUS. Having secured both orders of popish bishops,
I took care to establish deans, abbots, monks, friars, vicars,
chanters, prebendaries, canons, minor canons, &c. &c.
From thence I proceeded to persuade the higher orders of
clergy, to encourage plurality of livings, well knowing that
if a country vicar could but procure a fat and fruitful benefice, he would even imitate his betters, and preach as little
as possible. I have often, with great pleasure, observed,
that if a benefice exceeded two hundred pounds per annum,
the poor vicar who enjoys it, finds himself very unable to
preach, and is therefore obliged to hire a journeyman, to
whom he leaves the bulk of his business. By these means,
vae got curates introduced into the church; a set of gentle.
men sold to slavery and inured to poverty, not for want of
T2




222                    DIALOGUES
parts and learning, nor always for want of piety, but for
want of what is by far more necessary to preferment, a
patron.  A journeyman weaver, watch-maker, or cabinetmaker, can afbfrd a better table than many a gentleman,
who lackl  nothing but a patron, to make him equal to the
very first of bishops.
Happily, it just answered our desire; and it was not long
before a sharp conflict between the vicars and curates ensued. As it is not without a vein of drollery, I shall give
you a sketch of it. There was a certain vicar, who having
obtained a living of about 8001. a year, called his curate to
him one day, and thus addressed him: " Mr. Curate, I am
now in a station which will admit but of little preaching; I
must therefore get you to take that part of the service
principally upon yourself: I am under a necessity of visiting the neighboring gentlemen, and assisting them in their
polite amusements, as has been the custom of my predecessors from time immemorial; so that little of my time can
be devoted to preaching or praying, and less still to study
and contemplation." Mr. Curate replied, "Indeed, sir, I am
but a poor hireling, whose scanty allowance is no way adequate to labors so extensive. I am resolved, sir, to measure
my services by my annual salary." The vicar's benefice being sufficient to raise him above preaching, and the curate's
allowance so small that he could not afford to preach much,
it so fell out between vicar and curate, that the parishioners
could not obtain above twenty minutes' preaching weekly,
in return for their tithes, many dues and offerings. This,
you know, was greatly to our advantage.
Another instance of altercation, between the vicar and
curate I well remember, which also was decided in our favor. " Hark you, Mr. Curate, said a certain vicar one day
to his journeyman, I expect you shall take the care of all
the souls within my parish, upon yourself; as I have much
business of a very different nature on my hands." "I take
the care of them, sir, replied his (urateship; what have I
to d& with them 3 I shall take no care of them, I assure
you." " Well, but Mr. Curate, said the vicar, I hired you
on purpose that you should take the care of them off from
me."  "Indeed, sir, rejoined the curate, I will not, I am resolved; do you think that, for the scanty allowance of
twelve shillings per week, I will put my own soul in the




OF DEVILS.                    223
place of your parishioners? No, sir, let him take the care
of them, who is best paid for so doing."  "Then, said the
vicar, let my lord bishop take care of them, for lie is better
paid than either vicar or curate." By these means the parishioners may go to heaven or hell, as most suits their inclination, provided always the fees are punctually paid.
IMPIATOR. Well, father, I really think those curates were
in the right; for as they receive but journeyman's vwa(es
for doing the drudgery of the business, it is unreasonable to
desire any more than journeyman's labor from them.  If
they perform the most servile parts of the office, for their
scanty allowance, it seems but meet the vicars, who receive
the far greatest part of the profits, should take the burthen
of souls upon themselves. If I am not greatly mistaken, the
far greater part of mankind, the vicars and high-priests
alone excepted, are of the same opinion with me and the
curate. However, that was all in the days of popery, and
the church of England hath since been blessed with a great
reformation.
INFIDELIS. It has so, Impiator, and been deformed again,
almost far enough. Some time after the reformation, indeed, the gospel was preached almost everywhere in England, which made me apprehend the most dreadful consequences, and made me exert my utmost influence, in order
to reduce the clergy to obedience.
This important point was in a great measure carried, by
fixing their attention inordinately upon tradition, and kindling relentings in the bosom of many a gownsman, towards
the old scarlet lady, whose government had been rejected.
So that, by degrees, I drew them to take counsel, as formerly, from the wise Infidelis; one particular instance of
which I shall give you, if you think it will not too long detain you from necessary business.
FASTOSus. That is well thought of, brother. Idleness be.
longs not to our fraternity; I hold it good, therefore, that
we adjourn to our usual time of meeting.




224                   DIALOGUES
DIALOGUE XVI.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
FASTOSUS. When we parted yesterday, you mentloned
some particular instance of the clergy seeking to you for
direction, brother; will it please you to relate it to us now!
INFIDELIS. It is only a little confabulation I had with my
good friend, parson Out-and-in. The case was this: I set
out one morning for Rome, to remove some scruples which
infested the mind of his holiness, the father of the world;
but, passing by parson Out-and-in's garden, I beheld the
reverend gentleman in his morning gown and velvet cap,
walking slow and pensive, to all appearance in a dejected
manner. Charity bid me stop and relieve the thoughtful divine. At her command I stopped, and called: So ho, Mr.
Out-and-in: how do you do? the good gentleman, awaking
as from a trance, erected his body into a perpendicular posture, pushed up the snout of his cap from over his eyes, and
finding it was me who called, instantly replied, "0 my
good friend, Rationalis! (for that is the name by which I
am known by the clergy, of all denominations) am I so happy
as to meet with you, in this so difficult season? I pray you,
most honorable tutor, be pleased to stop and give me your
advice."
I went to him, and thus the old Levite began: " Most
truly noble and intelligent sir, I, and my brethren, the
genuine children of learning and science, have long been
much grieved at the rapid progress of fanaticism, which now
prevails amazingly over the people.  So prevalent is it, sir,
that fanatical preachers are more followed, more esteemed,
than we, the votaries of almighty reason. In these days,
sir, there are some, who, in a frantic manner, decry the noble powers of the human soul, which we esteem to be almost
divine; who preach salvation, by what they call the righteousness of Christ, contrary to the instructions, which we received from that illumination, which thou hast given us.
We have long been studying how to suppress this fanaticism,
and to promote the more consistent doctrine of salvation by
our own works, and the liberty and freedom of our own will,




OF DEVILS.                    225
to perform perfect righteousness. It is intolerable, sir, to
hear men of virtue and piety, placed on a level with vile
publicans and sinners, who know not the law, and are therefore accursed. Impious in the highest degree, to suppose
that the benevolent Deity will not reward our good endeavors
to please him, by working out our own salvation, without
trusting in the righteousness of another."
To be sure, said I, to gentlemen of virtue and goodness,
it must be mortifying to submit to be levelled with those who
work not, but believe in him who justifieth the ungodly.
Very trying, indeed, to one's own self to be an hell-deserving sinner, when your own reason bears witness, that you
deserve the inestimable blessings of everlasting happiness,
for your own personal goodness.  What man of virtue and
moral goodness, what gentleman of a clear head and good
heart, like yourself, can bear to be told, that harlots and
publicans shall enter the kingdom of heaven sooner than
you? I wonder not, my worthy sir, that the preaching of
salvation by the works of another, should be a stone of perpetual stumbling, and a rock of invincible offence to you.
And this offence will never be removed, until we can so
manage it, that this same book, called scripture, is made to
truckle to the more consistent dictates of human reason; by
which alone the authenticity of doctrine ought to be attested, independently of any records whatever, either ancient or modern.
I myself have beheld the preaching of the cross of Christ,
with a great deal of uneasiness. But for seeing the selfrighteous Jews break their bones by stumbling upon it, and
the wise philosophic Grecians turning merry-andrews, and
laughing at it as foolishness, I should certainly have sunk
into despair; because I was unhappy enough to see it prove
both the power of God and the wisdom of God, to those who
felt themselves actually in a perishing condition. But my
good Mr. Out-and-in, permit me to tell you, that whatever
pain I endure on account of a preached gospel, I can do nothing that will effectually prevent it, without the concurrence of the clergy.  By the way, let me not so much as
hint any defection of the clergy.  No, sir, I thank my auspicious stars, by far the greatest part of them are upon the
right side of the question.  There are but few, very few
who ureach those enthusiastic doctrines, with which the ar




226                   DIALOGUES
tides, homilies, and rubric are stuffed; very few who concern themselves about what is, or what is not the doctrine
of the Bible.
But, to the matter of your troubles, sir, I apprehend they
may be reduced to these two heads only; to suppress the
growth of fanaticism on the one hand, and secure to yourselves the patrimony of the church on the other.  "These
are all, returned he. If we can but accomplish these, we
desire no more." Then, sir, if no more is aimed at, I shall
put you in a way, by which you may accomplish them.
Observe me then, my good friend Mr. Out-and-in, the
first thing to be done, is, to draw as thick a veil as possible
over the personal excellencies, grace, and righteousness of
Immanuel; for these, wherever they are preached, have a
tendency to eclipse all human glory, and greatly to diminish
the profits of the altar; which, you know, are the principal
things that ought to be advanced. The holy trade of priestcraft can never prosper, but in proportion to your departure
from the doctrine of the cross. Yet, this must be done with
caution, lest the eyes of the people should be opened, and
the propagation of your rational religion be prevented. The
important question then is, " How you may retain the character and authority of Christ's ambassadors, whilst, at the
same time, you are laboring to extirpate the doctrine of salvation by his blood, from the rational world V" as you cannot
expect to be so much regarded by the people, if ever you
lose your claim to ambassadorship. Of this, therefore, you
must be very cautious, and by no means declare yourselves
avowed enemies to the gospel, in so many express words.
No, sir, you must find out the most glorious names which
possibly can be ascribed to the Son of God; yet such names
as do not imply his personal divinity; these would spoil your
scheme, and therefore must be rejected. For instance, you
must not call him Immanuel, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, God manifest in the flesh, Jesus Christ yesterday, to-day and for ever the same; Alpha and Omega, &c.
&c. These, and such like names, must absolutely be laid
aside, for they make directly against the rational scheme.
On the other hand, you must be equally careful not to speak
slightly of his person, name, and authority, by barefacedly
calling him, but a man, like yourselves, as Dr. Priestley has
precipitately done; and by so doing betrayed the cause of




OF DEVILS.                    227
rational religion into the hands of the orthodox, tt be man
led and tortured after the manner of that wicked Shaver
In short, you must consider, that the people are not all ra.
tional alike; and therefore a downright denial of the God
head of Christ, may be attended with very serious conse
quences.  Some people are firmly attached to the Athana
sian creed, merely out of deference to the judgment of ther
ancestors, and others are as firmly attached to the scriptures
from an inward conviction of their divine propriety; so that
without the greatest care, you may be baffled in your ver}
first attempts to promulgate your rational religion.
In short, sir, notwithstanding you believe him to be out a
man like yourself; or at most but a dignified creature, yop
must of necessity, for fear of the populace, give him a kind
of sufiragan Deity or deputed Godhead like that of Mars or
Mercury, in the pagan theolo(y.  Your friend, Mr. Whis
ton, a man of deep intelligence, has shown you what may
be done in this way; do you, my good Mr. Out-and-in, imitate the same Homer-like minister.* You must never omit
when you speak of him, to use great and swelling words
of seeming respect, as if you had the most profound veneration for his person; call him the only son of the most hign
God; the first-born, and most exalted of creatures; a being
far above men and angels; under God, the great dispenser,f all things, both in earth and heaven.  Not a syllatle:
his measuring the seas in the hollow of his hand; of his
meting out heaven with a span; of his comprehending the
dust of the earth in a measure; weighing the mountains in
scales, and the hills in a balance; or of his taking up the
isles as a very little thing.  That is a description of Jesus,
most adverse to what you would have thought to be rational
religion, which considers him as no more than a man, like
yourselves.  It is good, therefore, that such descriptions
should never be quoted. By keeping close to those appellations, which are proper to him, only as man and mediator,
you will veil his real personal dignity; and, in time, your
audience will quite forget all their old orthodox notions,
concerning the proper Deity of the lord Jesus Christ,
* Homer-like minister. Homer was a wonderful creator of gods and
goddesses, and so was Mr. Whiston, from his own account of the Trinity
which he makes to consist of one uncreated, and two created Gods.




228                    DIALOGUES
which at present are so very offensive to you and your
brethren.
When you happen to hear of any man, who is a zealous
and diligent preacher of Christ crucified, as the only foundation of the sinner's hope, you must look to it that something
be speedily done, to prevent his success: for such a man
is capable of being very injurious to us, and our rational
religion.  His followers will consider you as no better than
hirelings, mercenary priests, and enemies to the gospel of
salvation.  Therefore you must, but always with the greatest arl, attack his character. Stigmatize him with such
names of reproach as you think will be most likely to take
with the vulgar.  However, you must beware of touching
his moral character, for that will be like the body of
Achilles, invulnerable even to malice itself:  His religious
character, because less understood by the common people,
will be more easily injured; and is, therefore, the most
proper object of your attacks.
You may call him an enthusiast, which is a name understood by very few; therefore the greatest part of the people will consider him  as some outlandish monster, and
avoid him, as they would shun the path of a crocodile.  Or
you may call him a methodist; this also is a name well
calculated to excite popular abhorrence, as you know many
would rather choose to be papists than methodists.  Or you
may call him an anabaptist, or fanatic.  In short, you may
dress him in what names you think will most effectually
stir up the people to bait him, as they would do a bull or
a bear from the forest; and so far as your influence goes,
you may totally prevent his usefulness; which, you know,
will be a great service done to the devil, and to rational
religion.
But, my good Mr. Out-and-in, take care that you b(
not too barefaced in your slanders, as Doctor Priestley ha;
been in his against the orthodox dissenters.  His zeal fbi
rational religion is so furious, that it prompted him to rend
the discuise, which ought by all means to have concealel
his implacable hatred of the orthodox.  This, however, he
has thought proper to discover in such a manner, that his
word, in a way of slander, will now scarcely be taken by
anybody, so that even the rationals themselves are ashamed
if his rashness. But you, my friend, may avail yourself of




OF DEVILS.                   229
his miscarriage, and avoid the rock upon which he founder.
ed under full sail, by considering that, amongst the laity
there are always to be found a discerning few, whose penetration may be too keen for a flimsy disguise. Now, should
your malice be detected, your very reproaches would bring
him proselytes, as in the case of Dr. Trapp, of crabbed memory, and the late Mr. Whitfield. Therefore, let all your
reproaches seem to flow rather from pity than malice. -Do
not fail to commend something of the good that is in him:
this will be an excellent cloak, from under which you may
with the greater freedom shoot your arrows of calumny.
For example, when his name is mentioned in company, you
may say, "He is a good sort of man, I believe; but I ani
sorry for him. Poor man, he hath imbibed sad enthusiastic
principles. The poor, weak, well-meaning man, would do
good if he could, I believe, but is sadly led away by methodistical notions." Sir, there are a thousand ways of vending
scandal, witn seeming pity, which some people are perfect
masters of: but your divines are too warm, and therefore
their arrows fall to the ground before they inflict any
wound at all.
I have known an important minister, ere now, ruin the
reputation of his neighbor, with less than ten words speaking and those too seemingly spoken in much pity. 0, Sir,
there requires great art in scandalizing to purpose. Nothing gives such a point to the arrow of scandal, as seeming
concern for the welfare of the party whom you want to ruin
I could recommend you to certain gentlemen, in great estimation for religion and virtue, as the most accomplished in
this necessary art, did not I know that you disdain to leari
from any inferior to myself.
It you would invalidate the doctrine of imputed righteousness, you must begin just here, and proceed in the following manner. That it is a doctrine which must be
brought into contempt, as you would wish to preserve the
honor of the creature, is clear to a demonstration; seeing
whenever a man is brought cordially to embrace it, his
looks, however lofty before, are brought down, and he lies
at the feet of Jesus, as a perishing and lost sinner; which,
you know, is inconsistent with the dignity of a philosopher,
or a rational Christian.
You must, my worthy Mr. Out-and-in, you must indeed,
U




230                   DIALOGUES
declare that man, having received no damage at all by the
fall of Adam, and coming into the world in perfect innonence, is capable of having a righteousness of his own,
which will justify him before an infinitely holy God. " Ay,
but Mr. Rationalis, said he, how shall I manage in this, seeing there are so many plain passages of scripture, which
contradict me?"  Do, my good friend! You must not
mind that, if you intend to be a rational preacher.  You
must show yourself a man, and leap over them, as many
have done before you. Imitate the zealous Dr. Priestley,
and like him tell your hearers, that the scriptures do not
mean what they say.*  What man of reason would regard
a few adverse texts of scripture, when the dignity of human
nature is the subject in question 3
For your encouragement, permit me to assure you, that
however adverse the scriptures may be to your rational
doctrine, the populace will be very propitious.
You can never please men so well as by clapping them
on the shoulders, telling them that their hearts are good,
that they need not doubt of getting safe to heaven, whether
they believe in the Son of God or not. And I engage, sir
your auditory will caress you, for the sake of your pleasing
doctrine.
As to the Holy Ghost, I would not have you absolutely
refrain from mentioning him, and his assisting influclte
because your people read of him in your church liturgy so
very often. But be sure roundly to assert, that it is mere
enthusiasm for a man to expect to receive the Holy Ghost,
in these days; and let them solve the difficulty, how the
thoughts of a man's heart can be cleansed by the inspiration
of the Holy Ghost, whom they cannot receive, as they shall
find opportunity. It seems I proved as a kind of remembrancer here, for he stopped me short and said: "Let me
see-I think I should remember something about the
Holy Ghost somewhere -Hum-If I mistake not, it was
relating to the office of ordination."
Yes, sir, said I, it was; you only professed to my lord
bishop, that you were moved by the Holy Ghost, to take
upon you the office of a deacon. That was all, sir. He
replied: "I believe it was some such thing. But pray,
* Familiar illustration of certain texts, &c.




OF DEVILS.                   231
sir, was it rational in me so to do, seeing I did not then believe that any man receives the moving influences of the
Holy Ghost in these times 3" Surely, said I, it was. You
know, sir, no man can get a benefice without it in your
way: and I pray you, who would not do as much as that
for a good living l Why should you have any scruple of
conscience, seeing you have got some hundreds a year by
it 3 I know many, very many, who did the same, sir, whs
can hardly procure thirty pounds per annum.  On my
word, you sold your conscience well. But for those sons of
science, they foolishly threw theirs away, without the pros.
pect of any comfortable return. I assure you, a journeyman
weaver can afford a better table than many a clergyman of
the rank of curate.
Once more; as the works of the Savior of mankind must
not be wholly omitted; should you be asked, What Jesu*
did for his people? you must answer, as it were, in a rapture: "0! he hath done great things for us. He descended
from the heavenly glories, and assumed our nature.  He
hath abrogated the severity of the old, and introduced a new
and milder law; lived agreeably to the precepts of it himself, and when his instructions were finished, he confirmed
us in his ways, and sealed the truth of his doctrine with his
own precious blood."  Thus, my friend, you may by good
management, if grace prevent not, deceive the very elect.
Tears of thankfulness trickled down the old gentleman's
beard; he gave me most hearty thanks, and protested, that
no instructions could be more agreeable to the dictates of
his own reason.
FASTOSUS. I can tell you, brother, your advice was not in
vain, but has been invariably followed, so that this rational
religion is now very little injurious to our interest.
INFIDELIS. It is very moderate, sir, and may well be tolerated even by our governors themselves. It has not the
least affinity with the doctrine of the cross; which is justly
the abhorrence of every partisan of ours, as will appear
from the creed which I composed, and put into the hands
of my friend Mr. Out-and-in; which, if agreeable, I shall
recite.
DISCORDANS. I pray you, sir, let us have the creed. It may
afford matter of entertainment to have the creed of the ene.
mies of all creeds and confessions.




232                    DIALOGUSS
INFIDELIS. Not enemies to all creeds, c Jsin; only to those
creeds which they deem orthodox; those which Uebase the
sinner, exalt the Savior, and thwart the views of human
arrogance. But they are very fond of such creeds as tickle
proud nature, eclipse the sovereignty of grace, and debase the
Savior as insufficient of himself to save to the uttermost
those who come to God by him: as you will see in the following.
"I believe in the great God, the Father and fountain of
Deity, as an absolute and supreme being, eternal, immortal,
invisible, omnipresent, all-powerful, the Creator, Supporter,
and Governor of all worlds. I believe in another God, who
is not eternal in his existence; not omnipresent in his essence; not omnipotent, but entirely dependent on the great
God for his very existence; not supreme over all, as Paul
the fanatic thought; but subject in all things to him that
made him; not immortal, but actually died about seventeen
hundred years agone, for purposes afterwards to be mentioned. I farther believe, concerning this second God, that he
was created, as the famous Whiston says, by the great God,
in an ineffable manner, before the foundation of the world,
far above all angels, and appointed to be the minister of the
wrath and mercy of the Creator. I believe in a third God,
called the Holy Ghost, created by the second God, or suffragan of the Supreme Deity, and that, therefore, he may prop.
erly be called the grandson of the great God."
" I beg your pardon, said Mr. Out-and-in, interrupting me;
it would be more rational still, to ascribe no Deity whatever
to the Son of God."
O sir, replied I, we shall fit you in that, in the most agreeable manner; then to the article of faith in the great God,
add, "I believe in Jesus Christ, as a mere man like ourselves,
yet pious and holy. A man sent of God, as a great teacher,
whose business in life was to introduce a new mild law,
commonly called the gospel; because God had altered his
mind, respecting the salvation of mankind, since his giving
of the old law, which upon examination and long experience, was found to be too strict and severe, consequently
unjust, and fit for abolition.  Wherefore, he raised up this
same Jesus Christ, a man like ourselves, and sent him to
correct the errors, which infinite wisdom had fallen into, in
giving what we call the moral law. I believe, that when Ine




OF DEVILS.                   233
obtained a perfect correct copy, he taught it to mankind, and
called it the new law, or the gospel. I believe that this good
man did actually make such corrections, alterations, and
amendments in the moral law, as he saw meet, notwithstanding he positively declared, that, " although heaven and earth
should both pass away, not one jot or tittle of the old law
should fail," that is, be superseded by any other law whatever. I believe that Jesus Christ, this good man like ourselves, having rendered the old law a perfect system, and
having taught it in its purified state, died to confirm the
truth of his doctrine, just as Cranmer and other good men
have done since then. I believe farther, that he continued
under the power of death for three days, and then was raised
from the dead, to show that he was no impostor, but was actually commissioned to amend the old law, which, prior to
his correction, was neither holy, just, nor good, as the mistaken apostle thought it to be. Farther still, I believe that,
in his exalted state, he is, as good Dr. Priestley observes, only
a man like ourselves, notwithstanding the orthodox ignorantly worship him  as Immanuel, God, with them; God
manifest in the flesh; the true God and eternal life; the
Alpha and Omega; the first and the last, and I know not
what enthusiastic titles, such as that book, called the Bible,
ascribes to Jesus of Nazareth.
"Concerning the original state of man, I believe, that
Adam did not beget his children in the likeness which he
himself bore, at the time of their being begotten, but in the
likeness which he bore before he had sinned; that, although
the fountain became polluted, the streams continue pure and
limpid; and, although the root was depraved by transgression, the branches and fruit are holy and innocent. So that
there is no such thing as original sin in any sense; nor have
the posterity of Adarn any share in the guilt of his transgressions.  And, whereas the death of infants is frequently
alleged, by fanatics, and orthodox Christians, as a proof of
original sin; I do most rationally believe, concerning those
that die in infancy, that either God, in an arbitrary unjust
manner murders them without cause; or their death is occasioned by some sin of their own, committed either whilst
they were in the womb, or before they had being; for no man
can die for the sins of another, says your oracle, and yet it
is clear that infants do die.
U2




234                    DIALOGUES
" Moreover, I believe that every man is possessed of power
to justify himself by the deeds of the law, and to procure
salvation by his own willing and running, contrary to the
opinion of Paul, and the rest of the orthodox; that salvation
is obtained by works of righteousness of our own performing, and not by the obedience and death of any other person;
that the glory of our salvation shall redound to the absolute
mercy of God, and our own good endeavors to obtain it; and
not unto Christ, whom the orthodox enthusiastically say, has
loved them, and washed them in his blood, by which he has
redeemed them to God, out of every nation, kindred, people,
tongue, and language."
This creed being cordially received by my votaries, I
laughed in my sleeve, and said, A fig for you all, my energies;
Goodwin, Charnock, Owen and Crisp, &c. where are you
now?  A fig for all your snarlings at my principles! Lift
up your heads from the dusty pillows, and listen, whilst your
own descendants, ye Puritans, with all the force of eloquence,
plead the cause of great Infidelis.
IMPIATOR. Honored father, I admire your subtility, and
almost adore your craftiness.  Who would have thought,
when we heard of the old Puritans raving against unbelief
and profaneness, that, in such a short time, their descendants
would have forsaken the principles of their progenitors. But
I give you joy, my sire, your operations have lacked no ad-'rtagreous success.
INFIDELIS. You are very obliging, my son! But I perceive
you are not aware of all the glory of this conquest. Perhaps
my friends would think it strange, if I should tell them, that
by this device, I have again introduced into Britain, as gross
idolatry as ever was preached by the ancient druids, as ever
was known at Rome or Athens; and that British divines
have arrived at an higher degree of heathenism than ever
was known in the celebrated pantheon.
IMPIATOR. Nay, then, my bewildering parent, out with it,
and explain yourself. What, idolatry again in Britain! IHap
py stars!
INFIDELIS. Hold, son. Restrain yourself, I say. Do not you
remember the charge I gave you, Impiator, when I sent forth
my several worthies to sound my sleep-giving trumpet.
IMPIATOR. I can remember nothing at present, so great is




OF DEVILS.                   235
A^  joy! 0 idolatry! How glad am I that the Britons have
again embraced thee!
INFII)ElIS. This, son, was my charge, and I desire you will
remember it.  Take care, said I, Impiator, take care what
you do. It is a matter of great importance to our infernal
interest, to which a blunder of yours might, on this occasion,
be very injurious. These men are gone forth upon my business; with a commission from me, your father, to counteract
a preached gospel, and as much as may to sap its foundation
doctrines.  Now, my son, in order to be useful to me, it is
highly necessary they should bear the appearance of the
strictest sanctity, and be not any wise defective in tithing,
anise, mint, and cummin, or how can they impose the cheat
upon mankind with success?  Whereas, the appearance of
devotion and sanctity, will give energy to their arguments,
and greatly recommend their doctrine; there is no beating
it out of the heads, even of the most ignorant, that there is
such a thing as devotion and sanctity, inseparably connected
with religion.
Now, my son, thou art but a purblind devil, and at best
precipitate; therefore thou mayest overturn my well-con.
certed scheme. I charge thee, therefore, Impiator, as thou
wishest well to our mal-administration, that thou shalt refrain from tempting these men into any of thine openly notorious ways, and to leave them  entirely to my government; for they cannot miscarry whilst I have the pleasure
of reigning in their hearts.
FASTOSUS. A very necessary caution, and it ought to be
regarded.
IMPIATOR. I remember it very well, and have hitherto
acted accordingly; notwithstanding, I would rather allure
every person to take up his dwelling in some part of my
dominions. But, sir, I never knew that your rational divines
were properly idolaters.
INFIDELTS. Do you consider, then. They tell their hearers, that Immanuel is no more than a dignified creature,
who has no personal claim to the essential properties of
true and absolute divinity, notwithstanding many of them
pay divine honors to his name. Now, my son, the worship
of a creature, how dignified soever, is by all allowed to be
mere idolatry.
FASTOSuS. They deny the charge of idolatry, brother,




236                   DIALOGUES
by alleging, that they offer to Immanuel, only an infenoro
worship, suited to the inferiority of his person as a createDeing.
INFIDELTS. The very thing in which their idolatry consists, and is on a level with the ancient pagans. It was ap
inferior kind of adoration, which the ancients paid to their
heroes and common deities, in comparison of that which
they offered to Jupiter their great god, the supposed king
and father of all the rest. Mars and Mercury, for instance,
were never considered as supreme, but as acting under the
direction and delegation of Jupiter; as such, and such only,
they were adored and worshipped; so that to distinguish
between the worship of the father, as supreme, and that of
his son, as inferior and subordinate, instead of exculpating
them from the charge of idolatry, doth actually enforce it.
FASTOSUS. But, to clear themselves from the charge of
idolatry, they allege farther, sir, the command of God him.
self, for their worshipping the Son, notwithstanding his inferiority. The great God, say they, hath given command,
that all the angels of God should worship him, and that all
men should honor him; shall then our obedience draw upon
us the reproach of idolatry?
INFIDELIS. So they say. But if they knew the scriptures,
only half as well as you and me, who have labored all our
days to cloud their evidence, they would see that these
commands, instead of exculpating- them from, do actually
bring home the charge of idolatry upon them. God hath
expressly commanded, that, " Mankind shall have no other
gods before him," as objects of religious adoration, either
by office or otherwise. And he would hardly have himself
introduced another, of a different nature, and commanded
all men to worship him; seeing-, in this case, one command
would have clashed with the other. This would have been
the spring of wild confusion, and everlasting uncertainty;
for the two commands being diametrically opposite, no man
could ever have known which of the two might be obeyed
with safety.
W\ould we but suffer them  to reflect upon the divine
commands, they must unavoidably see that their worshipDing of the Son of God, as merely delegated, with an infe.
rior kind of worship, is absolute idolatry.  When the first
begotten was brought into the world it was said, "Let ati,




OF DEVILS.                   237
the angels of God worship him," which they accordingly
did at his birth.  When he revealed himself to Israel, the
Father gave command, that, "All men should honor the
Son, even as they honored the Father." That is, with the
selfsame honor, as is paid to the Father, on the foundation
of his being one (in essence) with the Father. Whereas,
had the Father ordained divine honors to be paid to any being of a different essence from himself, he would not only
have overturned the first commandment, "Thou shalt have
no other gods before me," but have given his glory to another. contrary to his own express declaration. I would not,
therefore, have those sons of superior reason think it at all
strange, if at last they find themselves ranked with idolaters.
IMPIATOR. But, father, if I mistake not, you said, that,
with them, paganism is brought to as great perfection as
ever it arrived at in the Roman pantheon. How is that, sir,
seeing they are rational Christians?
INFIDELIS. Yes, my son, they call themselves rational
Christians, because they believe and teach, "That the
world by wisdom may know the Almighty," and adorn their
harangues with words, which men's wisdom teacheth; but
they are pagans, notwithstanding, as will appear, when you
consider, that they worship more Gods than one. Arians
and Socinians both agree to worship one, whom they say is
truly and essentially God, and the king and father of the
other Deities. Besides this object of supreme adoration,
they have other two, the Son and the Holy Ghost, whom
they honor with inferior adoration, just as the ancients did
the common Deities. I suppose, gentlemen, you will allow
that the worship of two or three objects of different ranks: is
as real paganism, as the worship of so many hundreds: but 1
choose to distinguish the moderns from others, by the name
of Christian pagans, because they allow Jesus Christ to be
one of their secondary Deities. I am greatly obliged to you,
my brother Fastosus, for your assistance, so kindly given,
to enable me to accomplish my purposes; without it, I could
not have brought my affairs to their present happy situation.
FASTosus. No, brother, you could not; but you are at all
times welcome to my assistance, in counteracting the simplhcity of gospel truth. I myself should greatly suffer, were




238                   DIALOGUES
the Arians and Socinians to discover what pait we have ir
their rational religion; and I am not without my fears, that
the capacity of the preachers for making proselytes, the.
dwindling away of their congregations, and the contempt
in which they are in general held, will in time convince
them, "That the world by wisdom knew not God," and so
bring them to change their present system of rational religion for that of the cross of Jesus, which is truly rational,
and ennobles every reasoning power of the human soul.
IMPIATOR. Ah, my sire! What a subtle spirit you are!
With what laudable craftiness must you have acted, to succeed in introducing pagan idolatry amongst modern divines,
even amongst Protestant dissenters. I have long known
that the papists are pagans in disguise, but had no thought
of rational Christians being so far in alliance with us.
DISCORDANS. Pagans in disguise, cousin! What do you
mean? There is no mystery at all in your father's doctrines; nor is there much difference between the ancient
pagans, and modern papists. The principal difference is
this:  The popish Juno, whom  they call the mother of
God, is far greater in power, and more exalted in glory,
than the wife of Jupiter, the pagan Deity. The pagan
Juno acted in all things subordinate to the will of her husband, the king and father of the gods, who bore absolute
sway over the heavenly synod: but the popish Jupiter acts
in subordination to the will of his virgin mother. He rules
the creation, indeed; but then he is still subject to maternal
direction; so that it is not God, the savior of sinners, but
the virgin Mary the popish Juno, who possesses absolute
sovereignty; and what good they expect at the hand of
God, is expected as to be done in obedience to his virgin
mother.
In all other things, there is little or no disparity between
the ancient and modern pantheon worship. The pagans
worshipped angels, whom  they called Gods; the papists
worship them  also, knowing them  to be creatures.  The
first had their heroes and heroines, whom they adored under the name of demi-gods; the latter, also, have their heroes and heroines, whom they worship under the name of
saints. The ancients had their ambiguous oracles and lying
wonders. and the moderns have both, in far greater abun




OF DEVILS.                   239
dance; s( that he mtst be blind indeed, who does not see
amongst them undisguised paganism.
IMPIATOR. Then it must follow, that the papists are
greater friends to my father Infidelis, than the Arians and
Socinians; because these bear something of the appearance
-f truth; but those have cast off both truth and its appear
ance.
INFIDELIS. That is your wisdom, again, my son. Impiatoi
would make but a blundering minister of state in my cour'
gentlemen.  But, my son, you may know, it is with us o
maxim of policy, that, " Whoever comes nearest the truth,
and is, notwithstanding, destitute of it, is always capable
of doing the most essential service to my interest." Popish
paganism is by far too barefaced to succeed in England,
where its absurdities have been so long detected. English
Protestants will not worship a god of the baker's making,
whilst their women retain the art of making good plumbpudding, which will at any time be preferred to the sacramental wafer. But Arian and Socinian paganism is so subtilly invented, and so well refined, that it passeth with
many for rational Christianity.
IMPIATOR. I find, sir, you are under necessity, as well as
myself, to act wisely, with craft and cunning, finding that
the same device will not, with all people, at all times suce
~i:,d alike.  We may sometimes, to omne people, appeal,.
our own infernal likeness; and at others we are fain to put
on a deep disguise, in order to accomplish our designs. But
no matter how, so that we have them safe at last. However, gentlemen, there being such a prospect of plenty, I
begin to fear there will scarcely be room left in hell for us
devils.
INFIDELIS. Another stroke of my son's wit. It is well,
Impiator, that your business is to tyrannize only over the
thoughtless part of the human race, or you would be of
little service to our fraternity. But have you never heard,
that Tophet is wide and large, without either brim or bottom. There is no fear of wanting room. Besides, wherever
the fiends may happen to be, they are always at home, being
sure to carry their hell along with them.
FASTOSUS. I have somewhere seen a map of that part of
your dominions, brother, where the idolaters dwell; if you




240                   DIALOGUES
have got one about you, I should be glad to have a description of it.
INFIDELIS. I have, sir, and am glad it is in my power to
gratify my much-honored brother.  You see, sir, it is divided into two grand provinces, each inhabited by different
sects of idol worshippers. That province on the left contains the various sects of civil idolaters, and this on the right
contains the many denominations of their elder brethren,
the religious idolaters. And, I assure you, they are two
bodies of people very respectable.
The province which contains the civil idolaters, is divided into several counties, all of which are very populous.
In the first county live the worshippers of vain pleasure,
and this county is divided into several regalities, in which
the several sects or denominations of idolaters dwell, according to the diversity of their inclinations. The first regality is appointed to the worshippers of living creatures.
This swarms with jockeys, and gamblers of the turf, both
of noble and ignoble extraction. Along with them live the
worshippers of foxes, hares, and hounds, a very jolly race, 1
assure you, well skilled in the literature of the kennel. But
it is better to be a slave in a Turkish galley, than held as a
divinity in this regality; for adoration never fails to procure
torture to the idol, as the panting of the hare, and the wellplowed sides of the horse, sufficiently demonstrate.  A
little nook of this regality is, by royal mandate, made over
to sterile wives and maiden ladies, who, for want of more
agreeable objects of adoration, worship monkeys, parrots,
and lap-dogs. The second regality is the habitation of those
who worship the dramatic poets, and their apes, the players.
At the shrines of those idols, the worshippers sacrifice health
and virtue, under pretence of learning wisdom.  They are
a very fashionable and honored people, with whom legislators and guardians of public virtue are not ashamed to associate.  Here you may find legislators patriotically sacrificing their own virtue, in order to protect that of their nation; their own estates, in order to assist in public economy;
and faithlessly wasting their own time, in order to teach industry to the inferior ranks of subjects.
In the second county, you will find all the worshippers
of false honor; a set of gentry extremely divided in their
sentiments, relative to the object of their adoration. One




OF DEVILS.                    241
holy father falls down prostrate, like Cardinal Wolsey, before the triple crown and pontifical dignity. A second is
equally devout at the shrine of a cardinal's hat. And a third,
less aspiring, pays his devotions to a bishop's mitre or prelatic robes, and the highest of his present ambition is a bishopric.  Other reverend gentlemen offer a more humble
worship to a deanery, prebend, or vicarage.
It is very observable, that in this county people never
worship that to which they have already attained; but having compassed their purpose, burn incense to the idol next
ir rank, and thus tie worshipper goes on, if death and disappointment do not prevent him, until he has worshipped
every shrine in the pantheon.
For instance, whilst a curate, a vicarage is the idol; the
vicarage obtained, it gives place to a prebend or deanery;
which once enjoyed, they also, in their turn, give place to
a bishopric; that to an archbishopric, which is the principal
idol of the English. But in other countries, there are idols
of a superior rank, so that the moment an archbishopric is
obtained, incense smokes to a cardinal's hat; which also obtained, loses it worshipper, who is now converted to the worship of the triple crown, the great god and father of all the
other idols.
Nor are the laity less devout than their reverend brethren; for one man worships universal empire, like Louis of
France, and some others; but it is said that George of Britain is an apostate from this religion. Another worships a
crown and sceptre, like the descendants of a certain brick.
layer; and many adore the place of prime-minister, chancellor of the kingdom, first lord of the treasury, with every
other place of honor and trust in government.  Some you
shall see fall prostrate before a star and garter, whilst others
are all obedience to a coronet. The husband lies in the dust
before " his honor," whilst his wife in raptures adores "her
ladyship." "His lordship" is bended to by one, and another
pays all his devotion to " his grace."
In this county, you may find some men religious enough
to worship a corporal's knot, or a serjeant's halberd. Some
worship an ensign's sash, others a lieutenant's commission,
whilst the captain is absolutely as much devoted to a regiment, as his colonel is to a marshal's staff.
The third county is the dwelling of those who worship
V




24b2                   DIALOGUES
their own bodies, than which, I presume, there is not a more
ravenous idol in the synod. Around the shrine of this god,
stand the baker, brewer, pastry-cook, confectioner, distiller,
vweaver, and male and female tailors.  Hard by are a con
stellation of the softer sex prostrate before an Indian shrub,
the leaves of which are in great veneration. At no great
distance are a cloud of worshippers of Virginia tobacco;
they are divided into no less than four different sects. The
first of whom worship the tobacco in the neat leaf, cut small,
or well rolled together. The second worship it after it is
well ground into flour. The third put it through the fire to
the dear sensation.  And the fourth are of such a Catholic
disposition, that they worship the dearly beloved tobacco in
all its forms. [Of this last sect the Listener professes himself.]
The belly is worshipped by many, as the principal god,
and so profuse are they in their offerings, that its altar is
sometimes almost overturned, and the idol, greedy as it is,
is unable to bear the fruits of their devotion. The sect of
gluttons, a devout race, ransack both earth and sea to bring
plenty of offerings to the idol; and that of drunkards, in
no less devotion, pour on the wines in such profusion, that
all the surrounding trenches are gorged to the brim. This
same idol differs exceedingly from most other objects of.Iolatrous worship; for when it has swilled to excess':.
drink-offering, it invites the brain to share in the feast, to
which it presents every vaporish effluvia, whilst it reserves
for its own use only the parts excrementitious. Moreover,
this same belly is apt to resent the profusion of its worshippers, and sends forth the bluest plagues, most chilling agues,
burning, putrid and malignant fevers, with all manner of
acute and chronical distempers, amongst the worshippers,
and thus provides employment for gentlemen of the faculty;
whose business positively would be worse than that of a
cobbler, but for the religion of belly-worshipping.
In the fourth county dwell the worshippers of gold and
large possessions, some of whom you will find lying prostrate, in the deepest devotion, to a fine well-situated house
and garden; others worshipping a fertile estate and well.
stored barns, a flock of fleecy sheep, or an herd of fattening
bullocks.  One man adores the brace of nags, which hurl
him from place to place, whilst his friend is prostrate before




OF DEVILS.                    243
a splendid retinue. Moidores, as well as English coin, is a
splendid idol, and attracts the attention of many, whilst some
adore a coal-pit, or a mine of leaden ore.
Had I time, I would give you a more full account of the
religious idolaters; but as business is urgent, I shall only
touch upon some of their gods.  The greatest of which is
his holiness the present pope, who dispenseth blessing and
cursing, casteth down and exalteth at his pleasure. This
god, who is exalted above all that is called God, issueth
dispensations and pardons, for money and price, contrary to
the manner of the God of heaven.  The one pardons and
gives salvation freely of grace, but the other sells his pardons as dear as he can. Next to his holiness, on the right
hand, stands the popish Juno, or virgin AMary, whose powerful command of the God of nature, is greatly adored by
every zealous papist. On the left hand stands a Jesus Christ
of wood, whom the papists also highly revere; for they are,
almost to distraction, fond of wooden deities. Some indeed
have a Jesus Christ made of gold or silver, and others, more
lowly, worship a paper Savior; but the most humble devotion is paid to the gods which the baker makes. These are
the most ravenous idolaters in the whole world; for, with
the greatest eagerness and devout veneration, they eat the
object of their adoration. Thousands of these breaden gods
are devoured annually, and as soon as devoured, they are
replaced by others from the sacred ovens. The people, worship, and service of the true Jesus of Nazareth, they abhor
and persecute with as much fury as ever their ancestors the
Romish pagans did.  But if their own godsmiths, carvers,
or statuaries, happen to produce a handsome Jesus Christ,
or a mother of God, the country will presently wonder after
it, in the most profound adoration.
DIsCORDANS. I have sometimes thought, brother, that the
popish religion is the religion of Moloch inverted. That voracious idol was used to devour the children of his worshippers; but here the greedy worshippers devour their god,
after he is well baked in an oven.
INFIDELIS. The ancient pagans were even foolish enough,
in giving their children to that greedy devil, Moloch; and
the papists are not much wiser in worshipping the works of
the artificer, or believing that they can eat their Maker
Here are, likewise, the greatest variety of venerable relics,




244                   DIALOGUES
such as St. Feter's beard, the ear of St. Francis, the milk of
the virgin, w ith a thousand fooleries besides, all of which are
mn some sense deified.
Besides these already mentioned, there dwell in this province, all who worship their ancestors, which renders the
country very populous. I mean those who hold the cancns,
confessions, and liturgies composed by their ancestors, to be
nearly equal to the scriptures in authenticity. Likewise,
those who are of this or that persuasion, merely because it
was the faith of their progenitors, without giving themselves
the trouble of searching the scripture, to know the truth of
the doctrine. It is also here that the worshippers of the sacerdotal livery dwell. I mean those who venerate a man
merely for the sake of his gown and cassock, without inquiring whether his doctrine and conversation render him
venerable.
But I should tire your patience, was I to give you a minute description of my vastly extended country, as well as
lead you to imitate the sloth of the children of men. I shall
therefore beg leave here to desist. At the usual time I will
meet you. Business calls me hence at present.
DIALOGUE XVII.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
PRIVY to their appointment, I made business give way to
curiosity, and I was as punctual in my attendance as they
were in theirs. At the same time before agreed to, they
assembled, resumed their seats, and Fastosus thus began:
FASTOSUS. It is true, sir, your son Avaro hath greatly
exceeded my expectations, and proves himself to be an expert devil. He will, I think, do honor to the name of Infidelis, and may greatly contribute to the flourishing estate
of the kingdom of pride. I should be glad if Avaro might
now a little enlarge upon the hints he has already given,
that we may further see the prosperity of our general interest.
DISCORDANS. That will be very grateful to me, cousin
Avaro, as your sordid and griping influences have the most




OF DEVILS.                    245
happy effect upon the reign of contention.  How have I
been delighted, when one of your slaves has dropped into
the grave, leaving behind him vast possessions, by the discord I have sown amongst his children and kinsfolks! Your
slaves dare not think of dying and entering into another
world; therefore it sometimes happens, that after the muckworm has been, by every means, and every kind of rapine,
scraping wealth together for many years, he drops into eternity, without leaving behind him  any authentic direction
how his plunder is to be disposed of  This gives me a fair
opportunity of setting his relations together by the ears,
about who shall get most of the miser's effects to himself;
anl I have the happiness, frequently, of planting irreconcilable enmity in the heart of one brother and sister against
another, which, you know, is a comfortable sight to our infernal nobility.
Sometimes, the griping miser, that enemy to himself and
all mankind, is over-persuaded to make his will, though secretly hoping he shall not die for a great while yet to come;
and then the case is very little altered: for when the wretch
goes to the place appointed for the covetous, his will is unsatisfactory to some of the relations; one has too much, and
the other has too little left him.  Iere, disagreeable altercation succeeds the funeral obsequies, and division and everlasting disgust sums up the whole. Unless, indeed, that relation who has too little bequeathed to him, should call in
the gentlemen of the law to decide the matter in some court
of judicature; and who, having fleeced both the fools, as
handsomely as the nature of the thing would admit of, refer
them at last to an arbitration.
I assure you, cousin, I scarcely ever see one of your industrious slaves, but I flatter a hope of having some employment in his family on his demise; nor do I know any
other real use that the miser's ill-gotten money is of to society, besides sowing discord amongst friends and relations
The wretch meanly robs his own back and belly, as well as
all he deals with, to answer purposes no more valuable by
his having. But I prevent you, cousin.
AvARo. I cannot easily depart from the tent of the scarlet
lady, whose name is mystic Babylon, without making farther honorable mention of her prudent children. The wise
disposal of purgatorial fire has been already exemplified, and
V2




246                    DIALOGUES
the dispensation and pardon market has been glanced at;
but one way of getting money besides these I shall now instance.  I have laid my claim to the popish clergy in general; but of them all, there are none who exceed the worthy
lords, the inquisitors, in veneration of my golden imacre.
This religion of the golden image was first invented by the
clergy of Babylon, and I assure you, to this day, the clergy
of Babylon invariably follow it. But the inquisitors, of all
others, are the most zealous devotees of the golden god,
first set up by the parsons of Babylon.
Never did any eagle look out for a dove, nor an hawk for
a sparrow, with greater vigilance than their lordships are
wont to look out for a prey.  If; within their jurisdiction,
there happens to be a stranger, whose circumstances are
prosperous, and who is likely to be a good bone for their
reverences to pick; it shall go hard but they will provoke
him, by some of their emissaries, to say something aogainst
the inquisitive tribunal, which, in some countries, is deemed
the unpardonable sin. No sooner has the insinuating priest,
by indirect means, obtained matter of accusation, but he
makes information in the holy office, before the fathers, who,
on hearing the blessed report, are as much delighted as the
wolf, when he has fanged a prey.  The merchant is apprehended, his estate confiscated; lie is immured in the prison
cells until consumed, either by famine or vermin, otherwise
he is tortured privately to death, by the hands of their sanctified ruffians.
One instance, of the many which I might produce, shall
serve to exemplify the equity of the inquisitors.  When
Syracuse was in its glory, there was one Beilarius, a foreign merchant, who, in the course of business, had amassed
great riches; and who, at the same time, was so circumspect
in all his ways, that even the eye of an emissary of the office could find nothing, of which to accuse him to the tribunal.  Thuls he lived in reputation and affluence for many
years, to the great impatience of the holy inquisitors, who
could find no plausible pretence, by which they might fang
his substance with their rapacious talons.
Bellarius had an only child, a lady about seventeen. lier
person was the perfection of symmetry, and her mind a copy
of the purest virtue. By her they found means to accom.
plish their purposes, and bring complicated ruin on the un.




o0  DEVILS.                   247'tappy parent. The family, retired to peaceful repose, were
one night alarmed about one o'clock, first by the approach
of a coach, and then by a smart rapping at the gate.  Bellarius from within asking' Who is there?' was answered,
The holy inquisition.' Down stairs he ran, flew to the
gates, in obedience to the dread tribunal, and opened to receive those ministers of darkness. Understanding they were
come for his daughter, in farther obedience to those leaders
of the church, he went himself up to her chamber, brought
hei down trembling as she was, and delivered her into the
hands of the horrid ravishers, who carried her off to the
seraglio, in the office of the inquisition; where for the present
we leave her, through fear of death, seduced from her virtue,
by those pretended patrons of religion, and return to the unhappy disconsolate father.
IMPIATOR. Well, brother, I find then the priests of Rome
are not so much addicted to eunuchry as they pretend. It
is lawful, it seems, to ravish virgins, however unlawful it
may be to have a married wife. I have often heard of the
seraglio of princes, but not so often of the seraglio of priests,
and those priests too, who, of all others, are the most zealous wanderers after the seven-headed beast.
AVARO. Distressed and comfortless, Bellarius remained
at home; forsook all company, and conversed only with the
various cogitations of his own foreboding mind. At one time,
he conjectured that his hapless daughter, in some inadvertent moment, might have blasphemed either the wooden virgin Mary, or the great high-priest of Rome, or the holy inquisitors; in which case, he gave her up for lost, and doomed
her to fall a sacrifice. Yet he could scarcely forgive the
rigor of that religion, which had in such a merciless manner
-avished her from his fond embrace.
It was not lono after this, an Armenian merchant, said to
be newly arrived in Syracuse, called on him, under pretence
of buying a large assortment of goods. Generous and unsuspecting, Bellarius bid him welcome to his huse, during
his stay; which he, after some seemingly modest apologies,
thankfully accepted. The pretended Armenian, perceiving
Bellarlus to eat but little supper, and now and then inad
vertently to let slip a sigh, took occasion to rally him, in a
friendly manner, as if troubled with the hyp', advising him to
cheer up and hope for better times.




248                    DIALOGUES
Bellarius, having but little relish for a jest, seriously IL
plied,' No, sir, the hyp' is not my present disease, neither
have my affairs in trade taken an adverse turn; and yet
there is one thing which gives me great distress.' The
friendly Armenian was now more importunate to know his
grievance, that he might at least sympathize with him in
his affliction. Little suspecting that he was conflicting with
priestly subtility, he thought he might safely lodge his circumstances in the generous bosom of a merchant.  He replied, Sir, I suppose you are a stranger in Syracuse; as such,
let me advise you, as you value your life and liberty, to be
careful of your words, and every part of your deportment,
during your abode; for this is is a place of danger. I have,
sir, one only daughter, the perfect image of her lovely mother, whom I had the misery to bury but a few months ago.
I know not by what temptation, but my poor girl has said
something dishonorable, either of the lady of Loretto, his
Holiness the pope, or their lordships the inquisitors, for which
she is imprisoned in the holy office, and I suppose must answer it with her life.
Oh, sir, I hope not, said the Armenian; the lady's youth
will intercede for her, and after some gentle admonition,
your daughter will be returned to the house of her father.
AH*, sir, rejoined disconsolate Bellarius, I cannot but fear
that her youth and beauty are her greatest enemies and accusers. These are qualities capable of impressing the heart
even of an inquisitor. If this is the case, my poor daughter
is already either dead or debauched. Or should it happen,
that any thing has been alleged against her religious conduct, there are instruments enough in the inquisition, and
their lordships want not skill to use them; instruments sufficient to make an helpless virgin confess that, which even
never entered her thoughts: so that, at all events, her death
or dishonor is insured. No, sir, it is not possible for me te
hope for better, seeing the least hint thrown out against the
inquisition, is condemned as unpardonable blasphemy.
It was not long after this discourse, before the Armenian
feigned a necessity of going out; went straight to the inquisition, and made information, being a Jesuit disguised as a
merchant; and that very night a coach was sent to conduct
Bellarius to the cells of their dreadful prison. Next day
his effects were seized by order of the holy fathers, who




OF DEVILS.                   249
now rejoiced that at last they had grasped the long wished
for prey.  Confined in an abominable cell, he was greatly
annoyed by vermin; and, being divers times examined by
torture, he died with grief for his daughter, who, as she
could never freely yield to the lothesome embrace of those
murderers, in a few months tired their patience. Then one
of their sanctified ruffians first murdered her, and then burned
her to ashes in the dry pan. It is amazing, gentlemen, to
what lengths the lust of money and women will carry men.
FASTOSUS. Indeed, cousin, I think your friends, the inquisitors, bid fair for equalling the most subtil of our fraternity.
Oh what means of procuring wealth have you taught their
reverences of the Romish hierarchy! Selling of dispensations and pardons, begging of money for masses, &c. &c.
are profitable articles, and turn to a good account. But, if
I remember right, you told me a few days since, your vassals are divided into several companies, or communities, and
that people of all kingdoms, ranks, and professions, are, at
this day, worshippers of the god Avaro. I should be glad
to hear something farther about them.
AVARO. I did so, sir, and shall be ready farther to oblige
you, if to give you a brief view of our corporation, which,
like all other towns corporate, consists of divers companies,
will do it. The first of which is that of
The lawyers. A very wise set of gentlemen; who exceed the children of light, in the art of money-getting, as
far as any of the inhabitants of our territories; of course
they are held in great estimation, as gentlemen of the first
intelligence. In our city of Avarice, there is no knowledge
deemed of any avail, no conduct accounted virtuous, besides that of money-getting.  He is always the wisest, best,
and most virtuous man, who best succeeds in the lucrative
art, whether in law, or in trade, or otherwise. There was
a time, you know, when the law was as straight, as clear as
a beam of light, and needed no expounding, so that every
man was his own counsellor. But ever since the kings of
England were kept prisoners under a guard, lest truth should
become familiar to the royal ear, the case has been quite
altered; now it is so full of pleas and demurrers, doubts and
exceptions, &c. that it is a perfect labyrinth; dangerous for
an lonest man to enter. For, in the lawyers' company, it
is a standing rule, that, whether the plaintiff or defendan




250                   DIALOGUES
lose the cause, the lawyers, on both sides, are sure to be considerable gainers.  Indeed, it is very seldom, but they manage the matter so, that all parties, except themselves, are
losers; and if he who gains the trial, finds himself in the
end to be a loser, how do you think it must fare with the
wretch, against whom the verdict is given l If an honest
man has a mind to purchase an estate ever so fairly, and pay
for it ever so honestly, he will find it a difficult matter, so
to secure his title, but if any succeeding heir be bred to the
law, or heiress be married to a lawyer, he may run a risk of
being jostled out of his property, by some knavish quirk in
law, without any allowance made either for the estate or its
improvements.
Indeed, sir, it may be said of my faithful disciples, the
lawyers, attorneys, bailiffs, &c. that they pay as little regard
to truth as the greatest of ourselves. Right and wrong,
equity and oppression, are no objects of their regard, providing the case will yield good advantage, and bring large
grist to their mill; an instance of this, if you please, gentlemen, I shall give you.
Contumelius was a Yorkshire gentleman, of distinguished
birth and ample fortune, but somewhat akin to the mad Macedonian.  His country-seat stood by the side of a lane,
through which neighboring farmers passed with their teams,
from time immemorial. But so much passing and repassing,
of the whistling clowns, following their wagons, at last
proved very offensive to the worshipful'squire, so that he
resolved to remove the intolerable nuisance, by blocking up
the way. A gate was accordingly put up, and fastened with
a padlcck, effectually to stop the clownish passengers from
passing as before, and turn them by a way considerably more
distant.
As soon as the'squire's proceeding reached the ear of
Mnr. Loveright, a neighboring farrier, he ordered his wagcn
to drive directly to the gate, and finding it locked, took an
ax, which he brought with him for that purpose, and, to the
great mortification of'Squire Contumelius, hewed it to
pieces.  His worship, in a rage, posted to Mr. Deceitfu,, a
very eminent lawyer in a neighboring town, for his advice.
The worthy lawyer, finding this a proper occasion of serving his own interest, advised the'squire to send for a writ.
and commence an action against the farmer for his intolera



OF DEVILS.                   251
ble insolence. In a few days, the writ was served on Loveright, who immediately waited on lawyer Deceitful, in order,
if possible, to compromise the matter.
He no sooner entered the office, than Mr. Deceitful took
him aside, and thus addressed him: I am heartily sorry,
my good Mr. Loveright, that I have been in a manner
obliged, by his worship Contumelius, to send for a writ
against you. But I assure you, sir, in my opinion your side
of the question is by much the safest; and might I advise,
it would be to stand a trial, and by no nlttans submit to a
compromise. Knowing the farmer to be a man of substance
and resolution, he continued, There is no bearing with such
insolent treatment.  For my own part, Mr. Loveright, I
would much rather you had been my client, on the present
occasion, than the giddy'squire; but he first applied to me,
and insisted on my doing what I have done. If you please,
you may apply to my brother Falsehood, who is skilful as
any man, and as honest as any lawyer I know. In the
meanwhile, sir, you may depend on me as your real friend,
ready to serve you, in every thing consistent with my reputation.
As soon as Loveright was departed, Mr. Deceitful took
horse, and rode directly to the'squire's house; told him the
farmer had been with him, heartily repented of his folly
ind was very desirous of coming to terms of agreerncrt.
But were the case mine, said he, I would listen to no'terms
of accommodation, but punish his insolence to the utmost
rigor of law. The low-life fellow, having got forward in
the world, has forgotten himself; and, if suffered now to
escape with impunity, he will be the pest of the neighborhood. Thus the worthy lawyer irritated both parties, until
he had made sure of an assize hearing, that, in the debate,
he might likewise insure to himself a sum very considerable. For he knew very well, that if ever a difference falls
into the insatiable maw of the court, it will never be disgorged, until all costs of suit are amply paid off; for it is
impossible for my mercenary scribblers to give any credit.
Let them act justly or unjustly they make sure of their
fees; and, as the one party mut  necessarily lose, both
counsellor and attorney take care to father the miscarriage
of the cause, on something which the client has done,
which he ougnt not; or omitted, which he ought to have




252                   DIALOGUES
done: and, notwithstanding all their fraud and deceit, both
of them come off good honest lawyers.
The second company, and next in reputation to that of
the lawyers, is the parson's company, which is also very
flourishing and reverend. That you may not mistake my
meaning, by parsons, I intend all, in general, of every denomination, who are ministers merely for the sake of a living; more especially,
1. All who profess to my lord bishop, that they are
moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon them the office of a
deacon, when, in reality, it is the hope of a benefice, by
which they are stimulated; and who, afterwards, in the
course of their pulpiteering, tell the people that it is enthusiasm in any person, to expect to receive the Holy Ghost in
these days.
2. All who, sustaining the sacerdotal character, lead
men into sin, or harden those who are insensible, either by
conniving at the sins of their people, or by being guilty of
the like themselves. These gentlemen are pretty numerous.
3. All who act rigorously tow'ards their parishioners, in
regard to temporal things, who evidently show more concern about tithes and offerings than about the everlasting
welfare of their people.
4. All in holy orders, who, through covetousness, idleness, or any other unjustifiable cause, withhold from their
people the stated ministration of the word and ordinances.
Set a mark upon them, for they are all my disciples.
5. Wherever you meet with a gentleman in holy orders,
who is so far above the bulk of his auditory, that he will
not condescend to converse even with the meanest about
the state of his soul, the work of the Spirit, and way of
salvation, such are idle shepherds, unnatural pastors, and
altogether devoted to the god Avaro.
IMPIATOR. So then, cousin, I find you have parsons of
more denominations than one; they are not all engrossed
by the established churches in England and on the continent, it seems. Yet I meet with many who, with great
warmth, will vindicate their own denomination by wholesale, and deem it little less than blasphemy, to suppose that
they embrace any thing erroneous. Yet none more ready




OF DEVILS.                   25b
to censure and condemn those who are of a different persuasion in religious things.
AVARO. The truth is, my parsons are scattered abroad,
among all sects of professors; for the time is not yet come,
that any one sect can justly assert, that none of their ministers have any other object in view but the glory of God.
and the good of mankind. Nor will the time commence,
before that important question,'who shall be the greatest?'
is finally decided; which it is thought will be a great while
first, seeing it hath already puzzled the schoolmen and
leaders of the church for sixteen centuries back.
But, to return to the parsons' company; wherever you
meet with a clergyman, who answers the description I have
given, you need not ask him whether he is a churchman or
a dissenter. All you have to do, is to put Beelzebub's mark
upon his forehead, and take assurance of him, that, at a certain time, he shall not fail to visit the nether regions, and
take his abode in the infernal palace.
In this very populous company, there is great diversity
of ranks, even where there is an equality of genius; for
some, having scarcely finished their apprenticeship, are inducted into livings, and instantly commence rectors and
tithe-gatherers. Others, for want of friends, are obliged,
much against their inclination, to continue underlings all
the length of a tedious life. I have seen a handsome parson, ere now, riding upon four or five steeples at once, and
having more in expectation; whilst his fellow-student could
scarcely procure brown bread and Welsh butter.  And
amongst all the pluralists in my acquaintance, I know not
of one that has got livings enough; but, Give, give, is still
their fervent prayer to my lord bishop, or some other patron,
who has a benefice to bestow.  Many, indeed, think they
should be quite contented, if they had but one more benefice added to what they now enjoy; but I can tell you, could
they come by another, there would still be another wanting. It is much, now so many clergymen find themselves
uneasy in the trammels, if they do not at last take it into
their heads to persuade the legislature, that a clergyman
cannot preach in three or four churches at one and the
same time; and that it is not perfectly consistent, either
with Christianity or reason, that one clergyman should have
W




254                   DIALOGUES
three or four livings, whilst another has none. Should it
come to this, my company must be terrible suffelers.
IMPIATOR. One would really think, if the cure of souls.s as weighty a concern as some people make it, the parsons
would not be so fond of pluralities; of adding living to living, and parish to parish.
AVARO. The cure of souls, forsooth! My parsons care
not who take the souls. The fleece, cousin, the fleece, attracts their attention. Give an avaricious parson the fleece,
and you may make fairies of the souls of the parishioners,
if you will. Many of them do very little of the priest's
office, besides collecting the tithes and offerings; at which
they are wonderfully dexterous. But as to preaching they
have no notion of it, and less still of visiting the sick, were
they even in the jaws of death. I assure you, gentlemen,
those idle shepherds are of the greatest use to our government. The interest of hell could not prosper as it does,
were we not well befriended by many gentlemen in holy
orders.
FAsTOSUS. Indeed, cousin, I have often thought that
without their assistance, we should be ill put to it to maintain our ground, against the votaries of Immanuel. What
posting to and from hell is there amongst our sable brethren, when but one faithful and zealous gospel minister
arises in a nation 1 You may remember when Luther ^,:
Calvin broke the chain of the pope and devil, lifted up the
voice of the gospel trumpet, which resounded through the
bowels of hell, and made the pillars of our infernal kingdom
totter, what hurly-burly we all were in! What deep consultations in the divan! What diligence in action with our
forces upon earth!
AVARo. True, sir, but times are much altered for the
better. Many a well-paid parson, now-a-days, is so obliging
as to sing a lullaby to his people, when he finds them snoring in the sleep of security, and will suffer no man to attempt their awakening.  He kindly tells them, "that they
may sleep on now, and take their rest, for the wolf is gone
aut of the country, and will not for a great while return.
Let no man disturb you with idle notions, for you may all
go asleep to heaven, without ever knowing what conversion
means."
INFIDELIS. it is admirable what power these same gen



OF DEVILS.                  255
tlemen have gotten over reason and religion. I ha e often
thought, that if ever they were to read their Bibles with
attention, they could not be off from seeing that they themselves are the identical persons intended by the idle shepherds, and unfaithful watchmen, against whom so many
curses are denounced in scripture. The idle shepherds,
you know, are such who feed and adorn themselves with the
spoils of the flock, which is suffered to perish unwarned, and
to die for lack of knowledge. The idle shepherd is that
lordly priest, that downy doctor, who keeps at an awful distance from men of ordinary rank, and is too much of the
gentleman to give himself any concern about the souls of
his parishioners.
Many of those idle shepherds I know, who possess some
hundreds, ay, some of them thousands per annum, who
will not so much as ask one of their cure, whether he intends to go to heaven or hell at death, or whether he serves
God or the devil; yet if a parishioner die, they will keep
as penetrating a look-out for their fees, as an eagle for his
prey, and seize it with equal eagerness. Moreover, for the
sake of this same fee, they will own the deceased for a brother, which privilege was always denied him whilst alive,
unless he should indeed have happened to be one of the fat
of the flock, who was capable of yielding a double fleece.
AVARO. It is the fleece, sir, which my disciples regard,
and not the flock. How have I been diverted sometimes,
both at church and meeting-house, to hear the parson, with
an air the most supercilious and contemptful, railing
against the most useful of God's ministers, as enthusiasts,
fanatics, and methodists! Ah! said I to myself, what poor
honest devils were those of old, who confessed Christ and
his disciples, and thus declared to the sons of Sceva, " Jesus
we know, and Paul we know, but who are you?"
Sometimes I hear them crying with vehemence, against
the divinity of Immanuel: one making him some kind of a
super-angelical being, and another asserting that he is only
a man, like themselves. Then say I, What a pusillanimous
spirit was that same devil Legion, who, without receiving
either tithe or offering, confessed Jesus of Nazareth to be
the only Son of God, to whom the scriptures ascribe every
divine honor! But these parsons are well paid for confesr
ing him, and yet deny him with the utmost inaolnlce.




256                   DIALOGUES
There is never a day but I hear some of this company
charging the lie upon one text or other of the Bible.  One
tells his people that there is no such thing, as one being
chosen to salvation more than another; but that the love of
God is equal unto, and upon all men, whether Jew or Gentile, Turk or Pagan, Papist or Protestant; nay, then, say I,
master parson, you are become a dissenter from your own
seventeenth article. And, to speak within compass, there
are at leas; a thousand pulpits in the church occupied by
such dissenters.
Then I hear others, railing against those who preach salvation by grace; and, at the same time, assuring their people, that they must be saved by their own holiness and good
works.  Very well, say I, then I have my desire, for upon
these terms they will never be saved at all. But still I am
at a loss, how they dare so barefacedly give the lie to Paul
the apostle, who taught the church, that, " By grace they
were saved through faith, and that not of themselves, but
the gift of God." I hear many clergymen of the established
church, in entering upon the service, thus address the Majesty
of Heaven, " Lord, cleanse thou the thoughts of our hearts,
by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit;" and in less than an
hour after, telling their parishioners, that it is mere enthusiasm in any man to expect, in these days, to be at all influenced by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
So glaring the contradictions, which sometimes they are
guilty of, that I tremble with fear, lest the people should be
convinced of the truth; but these are favorable times, gentlemen, very favorable; for the greater part of the people
have something else to think of, when they go to church,
besides either preaching or prayer.
When I hear the parson, whether churchman or dissenter,
telling his people how holy and pure the heart of man is by
nature; how aptly formed for sentiments of the Inmt exalted piety, and for entertaining the love of God; I am wonderfully at a loss to know, how he came by more extensive
knowledge of mankind than Jesus Christ, who expressly
taught, that whatsoever defileth the man proceeds out of the
heart. Your influences, Fastosus, are of excellent use, in
keeping them where they are; you take care to persuade
each of them separately, that of all others his own knowledge is the most refined; and hence it is, that Goodwin,




OF DEVILS.                   257
Owen, Charnock, and all such authors, are cone dered as
weak though well-meaning divines.
It is very diverting to hear my parsons boasting of their
superior knowledge, even when by their ministrations it is
plain, that they are acquainted with almost any writings,
better than those of inspiration; when their auditories
dwindle away to nothing, and the few people who abide
by them are destitute of all religion. Did they but know
half as much as the most illiterate devil of our fraternity,
they would at least believe, that there may be a possibility
of their mistaking the way, and that, after all their pretensions to a superior knowledge, they may run some risk of
a final miscarriage. But, as our good friends, the Roman
doctors, are wont to say, " Ignorance is the mother of devotion;" so say I of my parsons, " Ignorance is the spring
of all their knowledge;" and whilst my father Infidelis can
keep them ignorant, my uncle Fastosus can easily puff them
up with a sense of the clearness of their heads, and goodness
of their hearts; so that I can do very well with them, and
retain them amongst our worshippers.
The next company in our corporation is that of the
straining landlords, a very noble and reputable company indeed; notwithstanding, they are far from being opulent. In
the days of yore, when luxury was but little in vogue, the
freeholders were attended with fewer wants, and, of course,
this company was less flourishing; but since these happy
days commenced, in which people of quality are trained up
in absolute idleness and dissipation: in which virtue is of
no account, and luxury, pride, and dissoluteness are arrived
at their zenith, the people of quality are amazingly poor,
and are attended with an undescribable train of necessities.
What is very remarkable, their pride has grown in a perfect proportion to their poverty, so that now it is an established law amongst them, to look upon themselves as of a
different blood from the rest of mankind. Indeed you cannot affront a person of quality worse, that by likening him
to one of those, who are called vulgar creatures; notwithstanding, by the way, it is those same vulgar creatures
which enable persons of rank and fashion to support the
dignity of their station; and were there no vulgar creatures, there would also be no ladies of quality.
This distinction, which the quality pay to themselves, is
W2




258                   DIALOGUES
of the utmost use in my administration, as will appear frcl.,
the f!llowing story.
I went, one day, to the house of Sir Fop Mortalis, a very
famous gentleman in the country, with a design to pay my
devoirs to madam Mortalis, his lady; a gentlewoman, who
abhors to have the least comparison made betwixt her and
any person of inferior rank. The chambermaid informed
her mistress, that good Mr. Prudence waited below, deeiring to speak with her ladyship, if convenient. The lady
soon descended, and, compliments passed on either side, she
conducted me into her parlor, where she and I had the following dialogue.
LADY. Good Mr. Prudence, you have been a very great
stranger. It is many months since I saw you at our house
but I am glad to see you now, and I wish in my heart Sil
Fop Mortalis had been at home.
PRUDENCE. Urgent business, madam, demands my attend
ance so much elsewhere, that I cannot so frequently as I
could wish, pay my respects to Sir Fop and my lady Mor
talis. But now, madam, I am come, if possible, to rectify a
growing mistake amongst mankind; and must tell your
ladyship, that I am heartily sorry to see the world arrived
at such a pitch of ambition as it is now.  Indeed, my lady,
it is become a very difficult matter, in a concourse of people,
to distinguish between the farmers' and tradesmen's wives,
and ladies of birth and fortune; nor can we more easily distinguish between their several children.  Why, madam,
the fa:ners' and tradesmen's children are all masters and
misses, young gentlemen and ladies, now-a-days.  I know
not, for my part, what the world will come to, if some mea.
sures are not speedily taken to prevent the confounding of
baseness with dignity.
When I was last at church, I was surprised to see, as I
thought, Miss Mortalis, your daughter, there; well knowing that neither Sir Fop himself, nor any of his family, go
often to any place of public worship. Because you know,
my lady, few of you great folks love the tedious duties of
religion.
LADY. Not we, indeed.  Give us the cards, or musical
entertainments, for our money.  We hate their whining,
dolefr  cant.  Let them choose religion whr have taste for




OF DEVILS.'59
nothing more polite. We will have none of it, I assure yon,
Mr. Prudence.
PRUDENCE. I know it, my lady, I know it, and am mightil}
pleased with your determination. But, as I was elling your
ladyship, being at church, as soon as service was over, I said
to a man, who sat in.he pew with me,' I am surprised to
see Miss Mortalis at church to-day. Do you think, sir, that
anybody has ben daring enough to tell her that she really
is a mortal?' To which the plain countryman, in his owl:
clownish way, replied,' Miss Mortalis at church! quoth-a:
no, no, sir, you are quite mistaken; for Sir Fop's family are
people of quality, and therefore meddle none with religion.
What should they do at church, seeing they fear no hell,
regard not God, and believe not in the devil. As for heaven,
Sir Fop is willing to leave that to the poor, and desires no
greater happiness for himself and his, than is implied in an
earldom.'
LADY. That is, indeed, what Sir Fop has long been soliciting, and it is believed is now very near obtaining.
PRUDENCE. But I said to the fellow, Pray who is that
young lady, whom  I took for Miss Mortalis 3 Poh, lady!
quoth-a, why,'tis John Tillground's daughter, o'the Five
Elms. Tillground's daughter! said I; you surprise me. She
is as finely drest as I have seen Miss Mortalis, when going
to a ball. And pray, continued I, who is yonder lady, with
the French head-dress and furred cardinal   I thought you
had no people of quality in this parish besides Sir Fop's
family. No, sir, returned he, we have none, who are such
by birth; but we have many who are quality by their dress.
The lady, sir, that you inquire after, is Mrs. Watson, tile
landlady at the Three Tuns.
Well, m;tlam, I followed them  out of church, and was
amazed to see the plaitings of hair, the tires of ruffles, and
the labvrinthian furbeloes, with which the women were decorated.  Indeed, my lady, if the world holds on but a few
years, in its present career, we shall not be able to distinguish betwixt the highest and the lowest ranks of people.
LADY. To be sure, sir, the world is now at a sad pitch of
pride and ambition; for people of fashion can do nothing as
to dress, gesture, manner of speech, or living, but we are
mimicked by those vulgar creatures.
PRUDENCE. It must undoubtedly be considered as an in




260                   D1 LOGUES
sufferable insult upon people of breeding, when they are
thus taken off by the vulgar. But, madam, I have a scheme
to propose, which, if adopted, will effectually correct theil
insoJence, and soon oblige John Tillground and Timothy
Turf's daughters to lay aside their furbeloes, ruffles, and
tea-table, and betake themselves to their spinning-wheels.
LADY. What is it? I pray you, good Mr. Prudence, be
so obligilng; I beg you would, sir.
PRUDENCE. Indeed, madam, your farmers are all become
gentlemen of late. They talk of fortunes for their children,
and consider themselves as very little inferior to the'Squire
himself.  But let me tell you, madam, the fault is not so
much in the farmers as in the landlords themselves, who let
their farms upon terms by far too low and easy.  There is
this same John Tillground, and his neighbor Timothy Turf,
as I am informed, have both of them money lying at interest, when my worthy and right honorable lord Noble, a gentleman of the first quality, is obliged to pawn his plate for
cash, to pay off the four thousand pounds lie lost the other
night at cards; and whilst his gentle neighbor,'Squire Fitzfolly, is obliged to fell his timber, to stop the horrid gap
which his malevolent stars opened at Newmarket races,
where the gamblers of rank and quality occasionally try
their fortune.
It is insufferable, madam, that the farmers' circumstances
should be easy, whilst people of fashion know not how to
keep off the duns from their doors. What right has anybody to any thing besides slavery, except people of quality?
Were not those vulgar creatures originally designed as your
slaves, madam 1 And yet, for any thing I see, they will soon
be on a level with you, unless some method, lucky enough
to prevent it, is speedily devised.
LADY. Alh, sir, I fear it indeed. If you do know of any
suitable means to prevent it, I beg, good Mr. Prudence, you
will inform me.
PRUDENCE. There is only one way that I know of, madam,
and that is to raise their rents to the uttermost. As every lease
expires, it will be an easy matter for Sir Fop, in the renewal
of it, to advance the rent as high as he pleases. The slaves
dare not go away; and if they should, there will be others
foolish enough to agree to any terms, rather than miss a
farm.  This done, and all your tenants settled upoi the




OF DEVILS.                   2ti
racked farms, if any of them happens to rear a handsome
colt, let Sir Fop himself, or young master, fall in love with
it, demand it of its owner for so much, never exceeding half
its value; he may privately grumble, but dare not refuse,
for fear of offending his honor. By these means, and others,
which occasion will suggest, you may make them all humble enough.
LADY. Most excellently spoken, good Mr. Prudence. Then
Tillground's wife will be obliged to sell her ctinaware, to
procure rags for her brats; the daughter must take to her
wheel and wash-tub, and my son, master Thomas, will ride
a better horse than he now does. This scheme will certainly conquer the ambition of the farmers; but will it do
for the tradesmen, good Mr. Prudence  they will still continue an eyesore.
PRUDENCE. Indeed, madam, the same scheme will produce very humbling effects upon tradesmen of every kind;
though I dare not assert, that you will ever be able perfectly
to subject to your ambition and avarice, that honorable body
of merchants, whom you affectedly call cits. No, madam,
I am afraid that nobility itself must give place to the public
spirit of the merchant; yet even them you may greatly injure, and prevent their being of such essential service to
their country, as otherwise they might be. But as to inland
trade, by racking your tenants in the manner prescribed,
you may absolutely destroy it. That you may see the utility
of my scheme, I shall a little explain it to your ladyship.
If the farmers are racked to the utmost, they will be
obliged to sell the produce of their lands at an exorbitant
price, otherwise it will be altogether out of their power to
pav the stipulated rent. And besides selling their crops,
&c. for an advanced price, they will be obliged to abridge
the wages of all their laborers, smiths, carpenters, &c.
By these means the farmer will find it difficult to live,
and of course will rarely visit the mercer's and draper's
shops; and as for his laborers and workmen, they will find
but little money to lay out in clothes, especially if their
children be numerous, as the demands of the back must always give place to the louder calls of the belly. And as
you know, my lady, sterility very rarely dwells in the laborer's cottage, it is unknown what misery you may happily
introduce amongst them, by the scheme proposed.  The




262                  DIALOGUES
draper's goods will lie upon his hands, unless indeed he I
pleased to give credit to the poor; if the former, he will be
sparing of his orders; and if the latter, we shall soon have
him a bankrupt, so that he will be effectually ruined.
You see, madam, that here we affect the manufacturer,
equally with the farmer and shopkeeper: for when the retail trade is ruined by the dearness of the provisions, the
manufacturer will find little call for his goods; the issue of
which will be, the disbanding of many of his journeymen,
and abridging the wages of the rest. The disbanded journeymen, being incapable of finding employment, and not
having learned the art of living, like the cameleon, on the
air, will be driven to thieving, by which means America
will be peopled, and Tyburn Chronicle rendered respectable.*
As to the manufacturer himself, his capital being soon
converted into manufactured goods, he will be obliged to
sell them under their value, that he may keep up his credit
with the merchant, and be able to carry on a little trade,
vainly hoping that times may alter for the better.
LADY. Indeed, sir, your scheme is very feasible; and yet
there is one thing that will put the manufacturer absolutely
out of our power. I mean, sir, the exportation of their
manufactures. I do not know how it is, but these cits of
merchants can send goods anywhere, and they, sir, will support the manufacturer.
PRUDENCE. No, madam, I assure you, my scheme, if cordially adopted, and executed with vigor, will put it absolutely out of the merchant's power. There is nothing can
recommend the English manufacture at a foreign market,
but the price being inferior to that of other nations. Now,
if an Englishman must pay twice as dear for his provision
in his own country, as a Frenchman does in his, it is easy
to see that either journeymen's wages must, in England, be
double to what they are in France, or the journeymen must
starve; which few Englishmen are fond of doing. The
consequence of this is, the French manufacturer can send
his goods to a foreign market upon better terms than an
Englishman, and, of course, destroy'all the foreign trade of
the English nation. Thus, madam, I have pointed out a
method bv which you people of fashion, in order to support
your own grandeur, may suck the blood of all inferior lanks




OF DEVILS.                   263
nf people, and make the British subjects absolutely slaves,
even in a country which boasts its freedom. Nay, more,
this is a method by which you may ruin the most flourishing nation in the world.
LADY. Spoke like an angel, good Mr. Prudence. I protest, upon honor, I will not sleep until I have consulted Sir
Fop on the matter.
AVARO. I took my leave of her ladyship, who could not
rest until she had communicated the matter to her acquaintance, and they to their acquaintances, and so they again to
theirs, that it had very soon made the tour of Great Britain
and Ireland; an ordinance was instituted, in the company
of avaricious landlords, that in every future lease, the farmers should be racked to the last extremity. This ordinance
has been universally complied with, by the whole company;
so that there is reason to hope, in time, all the blessed consequences proposed, will arise from it, as you see to what
an exorbitant price all manner of provisions is already arrived. What may not be expected from such hopeful beginnings?
FASTOSVS. A noble company indeed, and near akin to
our destroying clan. And yet many of them set up for patriots, even when they are drawing ruin upon the nation,
by their pride, luxury, and avarice.
DIALOGUE XVIII.
ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT.
FASTosvs. No, Avaro; know assuredly that you are not
more in esteem  with the Dutch than myself. It were
strange, indeed, if I had no concern with Mynheer.
AVARO. Indeed, sir, to see Mynheer equipped in his holi
day clothes, he makes pretty near as awkward an appearance as a Laplander; and one would certainly conclude,
that he is a perfect stranger to courtly Fastosus. But all
the world knows, that Avaro is a very respectable personage in Holland.
FATosus. I told you before, cousin, that yoit have an




264                   DIALOGUES
ugly way of encroaching upon your neighbor's right.  I dc
not like it cousin, and will assert my dominion. Do you
think that Mynheer is not full as proud of his multiplicity
of garments, as an English hero is of his scarlet and lace!
Or, that he is not the best fellow who can wear the greatest numbers of pairs of breeches l I assert, there may be as
much pride under a Dutchman's cap, as under a Scotch
bonnet, or even under a Frenchman's hat; notwithstanding
there is a very great difference between the first and the
last. The first, you know, is a fixed ponderous substance,
and the last is mutable, as the weathercock on the top of
St. Peter's. Yes, Avaro, I may assert farther, that there
may be as much pride under a red cap, as under the coronet of a peer, or even under the mitre of an archbishop.
INFIDELIS. That Avaro is in high esteem in the Netherlands, will not be denied; but to suppose Fastosus excluded
from any people whatever, is highly dishonoring: therefore,
my son, you must learn to be more cautious, and, for the
present, to make atonement for your error, proceed with
your account of your corporation.
AVARO. If to retract an error, and endeavor in future to
oblige, will procure forgiveness, it shall be done. In order
to which you will please to observe that the
Fourth Company of my corporation, is that of the letter
retailers, otherwise called mercenary scribblers, and false
publishers. The transcribers and abridgers of other men's
works, and especially those whose sole aim is to get money
by their writings, are free of this company and on the
livery.
To give you a proper idea of which, I shall read you a
letter, which I stole the other night, from the chairman of a
reading society in the country, designed to be sent to the
Reviewers, critical and monthly.
GENTLEMEN,
We are what country people call a reading society, into
which we had formed ourselves some years before the first
Review  made its public appearance.  We had not long
taken in books, before we found several articles of our purchase to be stolen from other authors; and but very few of
our titular authors, had either honor or honesty enough, to
inform the public from what sources they compiled their
volumes. We would advise all writers tolive upon their




OF DEVILS.                   265
own proper genius, deeming it pity that pilferers should be
suffered in the republic of letters. At the last meeting of
our club, this question was put and canvassed, "What can
induce one writer to steal from another?"
Tb this important question, one replied one thing, and
another said what he could to confute it, as every member
was willing to display his abilities; at last, Dick Keene, a
testy kind of youth, but of good sense, gave us the following satisfactory answer.
"Very probably, said master Dick, some authors may
steal from others, for the same reason, which that celebrated fool of old had, who burnt himself and the temple
together, in order to perpetuate his name. There are
authors endued with the same laudable ambition, who, not
being happy enough to be born free in the literary republic,
are obliged to stoop to dishonest measures, in order to gratify their ambition. Their geniuses (if it be lawful to speak
of their geniuses) being destitute of every prolific principle,
and their fancies fixed as the Pyrenean or the Alps, they
cannot possibly gain repute but on the credit of their predecessors. Therefore, what frugal nature, and Gamaliel
have withheld, must be supplied by industrious freedom;
and as the end proposed, must, at all events, be obtained,
honor, truth, and honesty, smoke at once on the altar of ambition. To work goes the writer, plunders every volume in
his own and his patron's library, at last completes his
scheme; and lo! we have an entire new  work, by the
learned Mr. Dunce. And so it comes to pass, that we, the
honest purchasers, pay three or four times over for the
same matter; and perhaps, in almost the same manner
likewise.
"There are others, who, as a just judgment on their former indolence and extravagance, are now condemned to
live upon their wit; which being dull and tardy, somewhat
akin to the brain of an ass, of itself can afford but a very
penurious table, and uncomfortable lodging. Bitten with
hunger, she unhappy man is obliged to steal where he can,
and then sell his ill-gotten collection to the bookseller, in
order to procure a good holiday dinner. The bookseller, I
believe, is pretty well convinced of the truth of my remarks, as he has paid for his connexion with literary
thieves.
X




266                    DIALOGUES
"Of these two kinds of pilferers, in my humble opinion,
the latter is by far the most excusable. He cannot work, he
is ashamed to beg, therefore must either steal or starve.
What can he steal with more safety than the works of the
learned? in my opinion, there is no more danger in robbing
a gentleman of his literary honor, than for a statesman to
rob his mother country: few such thieves are conducted, by
the county officers, to Tyburn. O solemn tree, what frauds
are committed against thee! Of how many necks, equitably thine, art thou cheated annually!"
It was now Bill Candor, a good-natured youth, interrupted him, thinking his reflections somewhat severe. Hold!
Mr. Keene, I think your reasoning is too full of acrimony.
If all transcripts, extracts, and abridgements, were to be
suppressed, it would be a very great loss to the public.
Those men, therefore, who take the trouble of such a service, deserve open acknowledgment, for raising up valuable
authors from the vaults of oblivion, instead of being lashed
with the rod of merciless satire." To which Dick replied:
" That many ancient writings are truly worthy of being
introduced to public view, I am so far from denying, that I
should deem it truly laudable, for any gentleman of capacity and leisure, to draw forth the remains of antiquity from
the cells of obscurity, and should be one of the first to vote
X.;m the most public thanks.  But I would have it dc:. \
such a manner, as to come within the reach of the middle
classes of people, amongst whom the bulk of all sorts of
readers are found. Moreover, I would have all writings on
religious subjects so contrived, as to come within the reach
of the poor, for who else give themselves any trouble about
religion, or have any pleasure in serious writings? If a
commentary on the Bible must go beyond the extent of
their finances, it might as well be locked up in Pool's Synopsis, where it was before the commentary was written.
Opulent tradesmen, you know, are such slaves to the laws
of getting, that they have no time to read, and therefore
may prudently avoid purchasing. And people of fashion are
generally perfectly satisfied with having such or such books
in their libraries, without so much as looking farther into
them than the title-pages. Surely, gentlemen, no man is to
be vindicated in making merchandise of his neighbor's geo
nius."




OF DEVILS.                  267
Here he concluded, and we were sooi, convinced, that there
was much weight in his reasoning. We must beg leave to
tell you, gentlemen, that when your worships erected your
tribunal, and every author was summoned to appear before
you, we flattered a hope, that all pilferers would have fled
out of the republic of letters. But alas! we have been hitherto disappointed, and in reality, they seem to be on the increase, so that a man can hardly claim personal right to a
single idea, how justly soever it may be his property.
We earnestly beg that you, gentlemen, will be obliging
enough to publish your aversion to this craft; to command
all who are destitute both of fortune and genius to reconcile
themselves to their destiny, and show their submission to
the higher powers, by learning some handicraft business, by
which they may gain an honest living. There are a thousand ways to live in this world, if that of an author were to
cease. For instance, there is carrying a musket, or beating
a drum by land, and furling the sails by sea, either of which
are honorable employments, when compared with that of
book-stealing.
As we know not to whom we can apply, with any degree
of success, but to yourselves, we must farther beg, that you
will not only detect the theft when you meet with it, but do
as the worthy inhabitants of St. Giles's do on similar occasions. That is, pursue the delinquent with a Stop thief!
Stop thief! Indeed, gentlemen, it will not lessen you in the
public esteem, should you commence even literary thief
catchers. Should it please you to comply with our request,
we doubt not but the streets which lead to places of public
resort, will in a few years be well lined with many authors,
having assumed the more honorable employment of a beggar.
Thus the imposts would be taken off from the studious;
real authors would preserve their honor, no one daring to
invade their rights, for fear of exposing themselves to public
infamy. Perhaps that most villanous of all practices may
be put a stop to; we mean the vending of cloudy commentaries on the Bible. Few people, we should think, would be
fond of purchasing such books, after they are informed that
most of the materials are stolen. Effectually to put a stop
to this iniquitous practice, we would recommend the publi
cation of the above named Synopsis in English, and then




268                   DIALOGUES
every reader may take what human sense of the divine
word he pleases. We are, gentlemen, your most humble
servants,
A READING SOCIETY.
FASTOSUS  Indeed, cousin, I think the request of that
society reasonable enough, and ought to be granted: for, as
the world now goes, it is a difficult matter for a man to
know to whom he is obliged, for any profitable hint he meets
with in the course of his reading. And flimsy as modern
productions in general are, there is now and then a profitable hint to be met with. But when any thing of a recommendatory quality happens to emerge from the teeming press,
the whole race of catch-penny imitators swarm about it,
and gobble it up, then spew it out, as if it were their own.
However, cousin, it must be owned, that there are some of
your mercenary scribblers, who are much more honorable
than others; and let the public know, that what they write
is not the fruit of their own genius, but is borrowed from
this or that respectable author, under pretence of making it
more public, on account of its great excellency. They desire not to rob the author of his honor! All they deem necessary, is a loan of his genius to supply the defects of their
own, and to help them a little forward in the world.
But of all writers, commend me to polemic divines. 0!
it would be a pleasure to the devil himself, to see with
what dexterity they put off their own anger, under the
name of zeal for God; just as the industrious tradesmen of
Birmingham do their manufacture for the coin of the naion.
It is amazing to think how Protestant ministers can lug the
Almighty into both sides of their quarrel: and how they
would make the world believe that their cause is the cause
of heaven, and that they have got authority to dispense the
curses of the Most High. Nothing can be more pleasing,
than to see men of wisdom and religion, vigorously contending for their own honor, and at the same time making the
public believe they have nothing in view but the Redeemer's glory. And I assure you, it is not every divine, even
of great parts, who takes time to distinguish between the
glory of God and his own reputation.
Next to this, I am delighted to see men of learning and




OF DEVILS.                   269
religion, bickering with each other about subjects which the
greatest of all apostles would not presume to pry into. But
we have divines so expert, that they understand what never
was revealed; and so zealous that they will oblige others to
have the same degree of intelligence with themselves, under
pain of their implacable displeasure; and yet they are the
true ministers of the meek and loving Savior. But a very
few are to be met with, who have humility enough to submit to the simplicity of scripture. However, cousin, although
I love to set forth my own powerful influence, I would not
willingly prevent your proceeding with your story. Meanwhile, I want you to be more explicit, with regard to your
company of letter venders. Do you mean by them printers
in general 
AVARO. No, gentlemen, I do not mean, either all the
booksellers or printers. Printing has been to mankind one
of the greatest of all temporal blessings; and will, I much
fear, be the total ruin of the kingdom of darkness; as, wherever the freedom of the press is suffered, it carries reformation along with it. But, amongst those concerned in literary
affairs, there are many villanous people, who, when their
trade runs low, take up with printing corrupting novels, such
as the Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure; blasphemous plays.
such as Sammy Foote's Minor; schismatic harangues, like
the greater part of political essays; vain disputes about
things of trivial import, &c. All such, and many such there
be, we rank with the false publishers, because truth and
falsehood are, with them, of equal value, and their choice is
fixed by what will serve a present turn. The patriotic alderman is a leading man in this learned company. He has
not learned so little by the gift of second-sight, which he
has had from his cradle, as not to know, that more than truth
is indispensably necessary, to support some particular personal characters. Besides, there are others, who will sell
both soul and body to the father of lies, in defence of some
particular state: and others, to ruin some public character.
The celebrated Mr. Maubert, of Brussels, is a great man in
this way.
Free of this company, are another set of men, implacable
enemies to honest industry, who live altogether by their wit;
appear in all shapes and characters, and stick at nothing to
get money. Although these people have nothing but griX2




270                  DIALOGUES
mace to sell, (through a folly, formerly almost peculiar to
the metropolis, but now diffusing itself everywhere) they
have, for six months in the year, a very plentiful market;
and many, who would suffer the miserable to perish unrelieved at their gates, will liberally contribute to support the
luxury and libertinism of the players. In the days of yore,
the devil Proteus was, but now David Garrick, Esq. is, their
foreman; a fast friend to our government, and a faithful
disciple of careful Avaro.
DISCORDANS. I think you must be mistaken now, cousin;
for the end of all theatrical entertainments, which I perceive
you have in view, is the exposing of vice and reformation
of manners: consequently, their design was originally religious.
AVARO. I allow, that in the darkness of paganism, the
ancients had a religious design, in exhibitions of the stage;
but what of that? They had likewise a religious design, in
passing their children through the fire to Moloch. I allow,
farther, that in the days of monkish ignorance, these blinking priests made use of the stage to convey their instructions; but then it ought to be observed that the same fathers
were equally pious and devout, in persecuting the best of
men. So then, cousin, the one is as much authorized by
ancient practice as the other. Indeed, when you consider
that the stage is peopled by extravagant, spendthrift gentlemen, broken tradesmen and lazy mechanics, who always
were avowed enemies to moral integrity, they will appear
to be a very unpromising race of reformers.
Should you follow them from the stage to their lodgings,
and trace their steps through the lanes of private life, you
would soon be convinced, that Sir John Fielding's runners
bid much more fair than they, for reforming the manners
of the people. And you know, the said runners have never
as yet been considered as the most respectable characters.
Surely it must be thought requisite in those who set up for
reformers of others, that, in some tolerable degree, they
should moralize themselves.
DISCORDANS. I know it, cousin; and I thwarted you on
purpose, to see how you could justify your claim upon the
gentry of the stage; and must confess you have done it to
my satisfaction, I am highly pleased with the entertanments of the theatre myself, and am greatly delighted to




OF DEVILS.                  27 
see gentlemen and ladies crowd to them. Gentry, whc
would worship God in neither church nor meeting-house,
can be devout enough to attend the theatres, in Covert Garden and the Hay Market. It is truly pleasing to see gentlemen and ladies, who cannot possibly find money to pay
off their tradesmen's bills, find plenty of cash to purchase
playhouse tickets.
INFIDELIS. AS we came along, cousin Discordans, you
mentioned some sport you lately had with two female companions. Pray, what of them?
DIscoRDANS. You must know, Leonora and Matilda have
been intimate from their infancy; and, as such, continued
their friendship even to mature life: but, when both became wives and mothers, I taught them to behave more inconsistently than they did when they were children. Matilda, being quite fatigued with domestic concerns, for attention to which her mind is not very happily turned, resolved
one day to spend an afternoon with her friend Leonora. When
she went, she found her exceedingly depressed and hysterical,
by no means in a talkative humor; a circumstance which
frequently happens to the ladies of middle rank, ever since
luxury and idleness became so prevalent amongst them.
Matilda, not being sufficiently skilled in physiognomy,
to read the sentiments of the heart by the position of the
features of the countenance, was led into a mistake, which
proved fatal to their friendship. She discovered, or thought
she discovered an unusual and unexpected shyness run
through every part of Leonora's conduct; which discovery
proved no slight mortification to her own sensibility. Said
she to herself,' Well, Leonora, I perceive, notwithstanding
all your formal civility, that my company is not the object
of your present desire. I wish I had been aware of it in
time! Then, I assure you, my presence should not have
drawn a cloud over that settled countenance of yours. But,
indeed, madam, let my company be ever so disagreeable to
you, yours, I assure you, is now very little more pleasant to
me.'
Whilst she was meditating some plausible pretext for
withdrawing, the tea was unhappily brought in, which precluded her removal for a little while longer. Thus constrained by decency to stay, her glowing resentment of the
supposed slight, forbid her to taste a morsel of the toast, or




272                   DIALOGUES
to drink above two dishes of tea. Having finished, she pre.
tended she must retire on some urgent business, which had
just occurred to her mind, (for ladies will lie to serve a
turn) and after a dry compliment or two she went off resolved never to return.
As she went along the streets, her wounded heart boiled
with a thousand cogitations, how or when she had offended
Leonora.' What have I done, or said, that should have
given her umbrage. I know of nothing: and therefore I
care not for her anger. If people will be so odd in their
temper, they must even come to themselves at their leisure.
And so your servant, Leonora.'
INFIDELIS. That was a visit more innocent than many 1
have known, for I hear nothing of slander, or defamation of
absent characters, carried on in it, which very rarely happens to be neglected in female visits.
DISCORDANS. True, sir, but the matter did not end here.
Poor Matilda, being unable to bear the conceived slight,
made free to call on Letitia, on her way home, that she
might give a little vent to her turbulent passions. Letitia,
being as destitute of innate ideas, as she is of fidelity, readily
listened to the plaintive account, how Matilda had been
served; without hesitation approved her departure, kindly
fanned the flame of resentment, and at last advised her to
let Leonora come to herself when she should find it convenient.
Matilda had not been long gone, before Letitia, who
burned with impatience to have a little tittle-tattle, went to
Leonora, and set Mischief abroad with her also.  She told
her all the former had said of her, and happily gave it such
a turn as to render it very offensive, notwithstanding she
kept strictly to the letter of truth. Some people are remarkably happy in talents of this kind: by their manner
of representation, they can turn things quite from their natural appearance, as I may perhaps show you in some future
conference. Leonora could not but think herself very illused, and resolved, weakly as she was, that she should be a
slave to nobody's temper.
When Matilda and Leonora met next time, being prepossessed with mutual disgust, their compliments were dry
and starched; and each secretly blamed the indifference of
the other. By this time, I furnished each of them with a




OF DEVILS.                  273
telescope, by which they might thoroughly examine each
other's conduct, and so reciprocally strict is their mutual
watch, that nothing can escape them.  Thus from  the
smallest beginning, founded too in misunderstanding, I
raised perpetual disgust and enmity. Absurd and ridiculous
as this is, I could point you out a thousand differences,
sprung from incidents equally frivolous and unimportant.
Indeed, if Freedom and Submission keep at a distance, I can
blow up a flame of contention the most violent, from the
smallest matters imaginable. And I thank my stars, Messrs.
Freedom and Submission are in no great esteem with mankind. But, wherever they come, they destroy my seeds,
and effectually extinguish my flames, for they are irresistible peace-makers.
FASTOSUS. It is I, my son, who have brought those gentlemen into disrepute.  I persuade people, it is beneath
them to submit to their equals, how much soever they have
been in the wrong. I have, ere now, persuaded one man
to do all he could, to ruin the reputation of his neighbor in
order to establish his own, when he found it in a tottering
condition; and that too amongst those who take themselves
to be more righteous than others.
DISCORDANS. I have great pleasure, sometimes, in making
parents become the instruments of their children's ruin.
Or, as some people say, to kill them  with kindness. I
make it my business to prejudice almost every parent, so far
in favor of his children, that every one considers his own as
the most witty and active; or, to use the words of a good
woman, concerning her son of two years old, the most manly of any child in the neighborhood, even as the crow conceives her own to be fairer than all the children of the
feathered people.
I shall trouble you but with one instance, out of the millions I might produce. Little master Jacky was one of
those extraordinary children, whose almost every action
was out of the common way, the wonder and admiration of
his astonished parents. Jacky must not be chid, when he
pinched, bit, or scratched his nurse, but must have his own
pretty little humor; it was even pleasing to see his lovely
fist darted into his parents' faces. So, you may be sure, the
child must not be suffered to cry upon any account, but
must always be indulged in whatever he wanted. Thus




274                  DIALOGUES
this extraordinary child, in whom, however, none besides his
parents could see any thing out of the common way, notwithstanding every visitor was plagued with the history of
his wonderful feats, upon which his parents dwelt with raptures;-I say, Jacky found himself master of the whole
family; he acted accordingly, and took his way in every
particular.
By these means his tempers gained strength, so that they
became habitual, not to be broken by ordinary means.
When he got a few more years over his head, still growing in his humor, the poor parents began to see and lament
the errors of their former conduct. Too late: master Jacky
being now in breeches and grown a great boy, will not
readily give back that dominion they were pleased to put
into his hands, when but in petticoats. He thinks it very
hard he should not choose for himself now he is ten, as well
as when he was but three years old; rightly judging, that
he was not more wise then than he is now; and if they
thought him fit to be all their masters then, he is sure that
by this time he is much more fit to govern.
Apprehensive now of the ruin of his son, the father exhibits exhortations, injunctions, reproofs, and threatenings,
with great severity. In vain, for not being bended whilst
tender and malleable, master's tempers are not now to be
turned out of their native channel. As, in former times, I
plied the parents, in prejudice of their darling, it was now
time to ply him also in his turn. I furnished him a pair of
glasses, and directed him in the use of them; and now the
youth began to reason upon his father's conduct.
" What a change is this come to my father 1 Once he was
something like good-natured, but now he is the most selfwilled and rigorous man in the world. Surely no reasonable person would impose such laws upon his children as he
does on me; laws, such as nobody of any spirit would submit
to. I was formerly his pretty lad, his good boy, and every
thing I did was right. Times are strangely changed; for
now I can do nothing to please him. I could have had what
I would, and gone where I pleased; but now I am perplexed
with warm exhortations, which I hear unreasonably frequent;
and can go nowhere, without his leave, as if I had no more
sense now, than when I was little. His reproofs are too
harsh; I hear of nothing but my stubbornness and wicked



OF DEVILS.                   275
ness, of his and my mother's sorrow; and of breaking their
hearts, on my account. I should break none of their hearts,
I assure them, if they would let me alone.
" Cannot my father and mother grieve for themselves, and
not teaze me about their trouble? I am no worse than my
neighbors; though, by their account, 1 might be the wickedest wretch that ever lived. It is not enough that I must go
to church on holidays, but we must have lectures on divinity
at home; and for me, I am roundly told, that if I go on as I
do, I must certainly perish. Yes, I must even be damned
and go to hell. Old people are surely very conceited; I
will warrant me they think they are so very good, they are
sure to go to heaven. It is a brave thing to have a good
opinion of one's self, which surely must be their case, or
they would never plague me thus with their repeated lectures.  Well, for my own part, I am not so vain, and yet I
think I am in no greater danger than they are. When they
were young, I dare say, they loved pleasure as well as me;
but now they get old and cannot relish it themselves, they
would absurdly restrain me from it. Reasonable parents
ought not to form their commands upon what they now are,
but what they were when of my age. But I am determined
to submit to no such government. I will even take my
pleasure whilst I can have it, and let them grieve on if they
choose."
Thus, gentlemen, I persuade many to lay up future afflictions for themselves, in the early ruin of their children, by
over-indulgence. I say, early ruin; for, if little master is
not taught to submit to government whilst in petticoats, it is
much if he ever learns submission after he is in breeches.
He who always had his own way when but an infant, will take
it very ill to be restrained when he rises towards manhood.*
Yet some, yea many parents, will let their children do as
they please, whilst but little, and increase in their strictness
as they advance in years, so that they become mutual afflictions to each other. In manhood you know children should
be used by their parents as friends and confidants, instead
of being kept at an awful distance. Yet those very parents,
who have laid the foundation of their son's ruin, by early indulgence in his infancy, very often complete it by unseason* Vide Locke on Education




276                   DIALOGUES
able strictness over him, when he is verging towards man's
estate. You know parents should always act, so as that their
company shall never be burdensome to their children. But
I shall become a moralist if I go on thus.
IMPIATOR. Many such youths as master Jacky fall into
my hands. If once they can, by any means, be brought to
despise reproof, I reckon myself quite sure of them; and
when they come, I commonly employ them in my deepest
mines.
INFIDELIS. It is always a hopeful sign, when the heart is
hardened against reproof. If a young one can be brought
to despise the commands, reproofs, and advice of his parents,
he bids fair for being one of the devils' companions for ever;
and, indeed, nothing but the grace of God can prevent it
It is very agreeable to us to see how happily successful our
influences are over mankind, especially in Britain. There,
many parents bring up their children, just as if they designed them purposely for the devil. I have great hopes of
the next generation, gentlemen.
DISCORDANS. I make myself very merry with the ladies,
in another way, which also turns eventually to everlasting
separation. I join a little knot of them together so closely
for a time, that they cannot be separated, nor bear to be
asunder f.r a day together.  I prejudice them so strongly
for a while in each other's favor, that they show a manifest
slight to those who are not happy enough to be admitted into
their society. Family necessity, and every domestic duty,
must give place to their firm attachment to one another.
When they get together for a little chit-chat, they are as
happy as +he birds m May; not only examine every absent
character, within the circle of their acquaintance, and report
to each other all the evil they know of their own sex: but
each dwells severally upon the excellencies or failings of
her husband; who is, at one time, the best of men, at another time the worst, just as her ladyship happens to be in a
good or bad humor with him. Thus they go on, until every
one is fully acquainted with the family affairs of the rest,
and thus they bring themselves into the power of one another.
This is the zenith of that happiness to which I am to bring
them; for even the devil will give present happiness, in
order to introduce future pain and sorrow; and I assure you,




OF DEVILS.                  277
I am too much akin to my worthy grandfather, to suffer that
felicity to go long uninterrupted.
First, I sow a spirit of jealousy among them: says Chloe,' Delia seems more attached to Phillis than to myself or
Lucia; Portia is never happy but when her and Arabella
are together."  And so, round the whole club, the spirit of
jealousy happily operates, and gathers strength by every
day's duration.
It is not to be thought that a whole society, who can cordially join in picking holes, according to the old proverb, in
their neighbor's clothes, can long refrain from doing as much
for one another. Now they begin to meet, two and two, according to their various attachments, and those two who happen to meet together, regale themselves with a very pleasant
conversation, about the faults and weaknesses of those who
are absent, and thus round the whole society they serve one
another. By and by it is whispered what Chloe said at such
a place about Phillis; what Lucia said of Arabella, &c. until
I blow them all up in a pleasing flame of resentment; and
every one says the worst she knows of her neighbor, which
commonly is a great deal. Out come personal faults along
with family affairs, and a hundred etceteras, and those very
ladies sit down, just as the devil would have them, in implacable hatred to each other.
INFIDELIS. I pray, what do you smile at, Avaro?
AVARO. I was thinking on an encounter I had with tho
devil Lunatio, whom I accidentally met last night, with his
hair standing upright, and his eyes flaming with madness.
FASTOSUS. And pray, where had that mad-brained devil
been    What account could he give of himself?
AVARO. He was quite snappish with me, and ran on in
nis discourse, as if he had been very angry. There, said he,
is my father Infidelis, there is uncle Fastosus, they reign uncontrolled over the greatest part of mankind; they are caressed, even adored, by the most respectable characters in
both church and state. You yourself, grovelling as you are,
reign an absolute monarch in the will and affections of many
eminent personages; but I am hackneyed by the basest, and
when I have done, am denied the honor of my labors, and
people are taught to believe that I reign only over the bed-.ams, and other mad-houses of the world. Whereas I could
make it appear to all the infernal divan, that there are people
Y




278                  DIALOGUES
who go about at large, and are deemed in their perfect senses,
mere mad than any in bedlam.
Tell then, said 1, brother fiend, stop and give me a sober
account of your proceedings, and I assure you I shall give
you all due acknowledgment.
LUNATIO. I have, replied he abruptly, a great deal of business among statesmen, to drive people to their levees, which
they dearly love to have crowded, and which never could be
without my assistance, For who would attend the levee of
my lord Superbo, or of his grace the duke of Parkland, unless he first turned fool 3 Would any man feed on the promise of a courtier, if he were not mad l The dinner of the
cameleon is as weighty as the promise of the greatest statesman, were it even confirmed by a smile of the countenance
and a grasp of the hand; for it all means no more than "1
am glad to see you thicken my levee." There is never a
levee day but I am obliged to bestir myself to drive the fools
together.
If the premier, or the head man of any department, finds
himself on the decline, and that he shall, without some good
assistance, be obliged to resign; that is, be turned out of
his place; I am beseeched to procure some verbose, intrepid
scribbler, to cry up his abilities and proceedings, as much
superior to those of all his predecessors, for time immemonal. But a man must first be reduced to a state of lunact
before he will venture on a work so difficult, and which is
likely to be but very ill rewarded. In the first place, he is
likely to have truth and fact to overturn, before the end can
be obtained; and these, you know, are stubborn and obstinate. In the second place, if he is happy enough to succeed, and sets down his patron firmly in his chair again, he
is soon made to understand that his service has done him
little or no good; he is thanked for his good intention; but
is given to know, that things would have been just as they
are, if no defence at all had been made. If his patron is
turned out, the scribbler is blamed for having omitted something which might have been of service, instead of being
rewarded for what he has done. So that, at all events, he
must come off loser; and therefore none but a madman will
venture on the undertaking.
The lawyers also would, but for my influences, be obliged
to drive teams, or follow plows; for who but madmen would




OF DEVILS.                   279
ever find them employment? But in consequence of theil
firm attachment to our government, I persuade some to expose themselves, by slowness of payment of their just debts,
to the fangs of the lawyers; others, to quarrel about trifles,
and refer the matters to them for decision. Sometimes I
advise a father to leave his daughter under the guardianship
of an attorney, or an uncle to leave his estate to his minor
nephew, under the care and inspection of a counsellor;
either of which is likely to be a lucrative job to the gentlemen of the law. You know very well, continued he, that
none but madmen will ever refer their differences to the
decision of those gentlemen, whilst there are three honest
men to be met with in the nation; nor will any man in his
right mind, ever leave an attorney executor to his will.
There are abundance of people, who live above their
revenues, and others still, who have abundance, but dare
not make use of it, dare scarcely allow themselves the common necessaries of life, for fear of future poverty. I have
known a lady of sixty, possessed of two or three thousand
pounds per annum, actually afraid of dying for want. Those
gentry are all under my dominion. Besides, a very great
share of my influence rests on many others, who are grievously oppressed with troubles that never happen. Some are
so remarkably ingenious, as to apprehend difficulties for
themselves and offspring, for a great many years to come,
as if the evil of the day were not sufficient of itself.
Stop, Lunatio, said I, there you touch me sensibly. I will
not thus give up my careful subjects. True, replied he, but
you and I may play into one another's hands. And, although
I allow them to be yours, it is easy to see abundance of madness in their disposition and conduct. What wisdom, I pray
you, is there in any man's burdening himself to-day, with
what may or may not happen a twelvemonth hence 3 Less
still, in pretending to foresee what may happen in future;
seeing all future events are locked up in the council of the
eternal mind.
There are people of property, who sink their rents, fell
their timber, mortgage their estates, in giving grand entertainments to hungry visitants and hanfgers-on, after the example of Timon of Athens, in order to be thought generous
and great. Not once considering, that the nearest way to
esteem is still to preserve the golden cord in the hands of




280                  DIALOGUES
the owner.  Let all be once spent, the insatiable hangers.
on, who crowd the plenteous table, will drop off like leaves
in autumn; and if the wretch retains the loving regard of
Argus his dog, he must expect no more. Away with the
fool to Bedlam! He ought to go no longer without shackles.
Parents there are, so dotingly fond of their children, that
they strip themselves of their possessions, in order to make
them respectable in the world, long enough before their own
lives are at a period; leaving their future support to the
good-nature and mercy of the dear boy or girl, who, it is
thought, are so well disposed as to be incapable of ingratitude to those who gave them being. But, let the dear boy
or girl once get the parents' estate into their power, and they
will give them occasion enough to lament their folly, when
every shilling received shall come with a very intelligible
frown. The language of which, to the parent, is, " I wish
you were once in your grave."  Such parents ought to be
provided for at the public expense, and kept in some place
of confinement, like other lunatics.
Other parents, to avoid falling into an error which they
foresee may be productive of great personal inconvenience,
with an equal degree of madness flee into the opposite extreme. They can find in their hearts to part with nothing
whilst they live; they will find some plausible pretext or
other, for which they will retain the sole possession of their
goods and chattels; rather than give a suitable measure of
parental assistance, will suffer the young people to begin
the world under all possible disadvantages. Send such parents to Newgate, I say; for they are worse than mad!
You do me injustice again, Avaro, in claiming the sole
power to yourself, over parents, who will oppress their servants, overreach their neighbors, grind the faces of the poor,
aId s11t thei s  ls to Akie 11 it (ide  to W   o1tO.te foAtwe%
tir their children.  This is so far from answering the end
proposed, in gaining the love and esteem of the young people, that it has quite a contrary tendency. The greater the
estate, the more impatient will the heir apparent be, to be
put into quiet possession for himself. The more there is
depending upon the death of a parent, the more eager will
children be to have him out of the way. So eaaer have some
been, that they have been obliged to use violence, in order
to get the cumbersome old man out of the world.  Deliver




282                   DIALOGUES
of their being of the least service. Is there no madness in
this case? Is it not madness to trifle with a disease in its
beginning, the only time, perhaps, in which medicine can
aftbrd relief? Is it not equally madness to torment the sick,
ind throw money away upon the doctor, when the disease
is evidently beyond a remedy   And yet you would exclude me from having any share in the government of mankind.
No, Lunatio, returned I, we do not exclude you. We
should even be glad to have a full account of your operations in some of our friendly meetings.
LUNATIO. I could give you such an account as would
surprise you all, might the honors due to my operations be
properly acknowledged. But I cannot stay now, having urgent business in the west end of a certain metropolis.
Pray, cousin, may a brother fiend be acquainted with it?
said I. He replied, You know, that almost the one half of
the nation is in a starving condition, and are, as it were, on
the tip-toe of rebellion, yet are in a very great strait how to
act.  They think it is hard to famish amidst plenty; to die
of hunger whilst the barns are full of corn, and the pastures
are well peopled with cattle; whilst their governors can afford to spend thousands at a horse race, or in an evening's
play.  On the other hand, they think it hard to be shot at,
by those who are murderers by profession; or to be hung at
Tyburn for seeking to procure bread for their fhmilies.
In this dilemma, the poor wretches are raising their
voices to government, beseeching their lawgivers to spare
so much time from their own pleasure and amusement as to
take their wretched case into serious consideration, that
they may not die by artificial famine.  What I aim at is, to
persuade those in power to treat their complaints with neglect, and themselves, as clamorous, uneasy, and turburlent
people.  Instead of redressing their grievances, to threaten
them with the strict execution of the laws against rioters.
If I am happy enough to gain this point, as I think I shall,
we shall soon see the spirit of madness raving all over the
nation, and even the wise will become fools.
Oppression, you know, will make even a wise man mad.
Therefore, when their oppressions can no longer be borne,
there will go forth a spirit of insurrection among the people;
and that shall be followed by a spirit of murder, until all the




OF DIVILE                    283
riots are sufficiently quelled, and the leading insurgents
punished by death or transportation. Then will follow a
spirit of emigration, and every one, almost, will wish himself to have been transported at the expense of government.
At this very time, there are not less than five hundred thousand famlilies, who are kept in their native country, by nothing but the want of means to get cleverly out of it. Neighboring nations will give all possible encouragement to the
poor to settle with them; every opportunity will be taken
to cross the Atlantic, until the nation referred to, shall become almost if not quite depopulated.
Now, the madness of the scheme lies here. The true
riches of a nation are its inhabitants; and the grandeur of
the great depends wholly on the number of those in inferior
stations. In proportion, therefore, to the oppressions of
the poor, will the nation decrease in its strength. Every
emigration from the mother country, will either increase
the number of colonists, or strengthen the hands of natural
enemies; of course, the neglect of the present complaints,
will eventually be the entire ruin of the great men themselves, and the translation of the empire to another, and
very distant seat. Yet, after all, perhaps it will be alleged,
that Lunatio hath no influence. But I shall raise myself
an immortal name, upon my own foundation. I deign no
more converse with a grovelling spirit. Adieu.
INFIDELIS. This same Lunatio is a spirit active enough,
and we give him due respect; but he is, like all his disciples, fixed in his own views, and there is no giving him
proper ideas of things. I should be glad, Fastosus, to hear
more fully what you were saying last night concerning the
Sadducees. It might be informing to these younger devils.
FASTOSUS. You know, sir, they were a sect of deists,
among the Jews, who, like the modern deists, did not believe, that there are any angels, good or bad, or shall be
any resurrection from the dead. I did not only persuade
the scribes, pharisees, and doctors of the law, to lay aside
judgment, mercy, and the love of God, in order to establish
their own traditions; but wrought upon the Sadducees to
prefer their own reasoning to the plainest declarations of
the word of revelation. I assured them, that the well-informed author of the book of Job, was under a delusion,
when he saia, by the Holy Ghost, "I know that my Re



264                   DIALOGUES
deemer liveth, and that I shall stand with him at the latter
day upon the earth; and although after my skin, worms destroy this body, yet in the flesh I shall see God." I per
suaded them also, that the prophet Isaiah was under the
like mistake, when he foretold, that death shall be swallowed up in victory; as also Daniel, who asserted, "that many,
who then slept in the dust, shall awake, some to everlasting
life, and some to everlasting dishonor."  These, together
with the testimonies of all the prophets, I persuaded them
to reject, merely because they could not comprehend them,
nor account for it how the dead should rise. This, you
know, is the very reason why modern deists are pleased,
under the same influence, to deny the whole system of revealed truth.
DISCORDANS. I have often feasted my mind on the pleasing prospect of that amazement and surprise, which shall
overtake those infidels, when the avenues of immortality
shall open befbre them, and the terrors of an incarnate, a
despised God and Savior, shall overwhelm  them  in the
floods of horrid despair. Their pretended virtue, their philosophic fortitude, their boasted reason, will fail them, when
they see, to their everlasting confusion, that he who despiseth the Son, despiseth also the Father who sent him.
FASTOSUS. The deist is my faithful, deluded disciple.
Wherever you meet with a man of deistical principles, you
will easily discern my image at large on his forehead, and
my mark on his right hand. Nothing but pride can induce
a man to prefer his own reason to the dictates of sacred
revelation.
Fastosus here stopped, seemed in a terrible agitation, and
thus addressed his brethren: Let us flee, my friends! Let
us flee! For yonder comes Michael, the archangel, and
with him a numerous train, with whom we are not able to
contend. They instantly took wing, shot through the yielding air, and I saw them no more. *Nor am I certain if I
shall ever have an opportunity of listening to their friendly
conferences again: but if I should, as is not impossible,
the public may expect to hear what passes among them, so
far as may come to the knowledge of a sincere friend c
mankind
THE LISTENELR
FI  I S.