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THE LIBRARY OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF
NORTH CAROLINA
ENDOWED BY THE
DIALECTIC AND PHILANTHROPIC
SOCIETIES
PRU88U
.A 1
1897
v. 13
UNIVERSITY OF N.C. AT CHAPEL HILL
00014437898
This book is due at the LOUIS R. WILSON LIBRARY on the
last date stamped under "Date Due." If not on hold it may be
renewed by bringing it to the library.
du"e E ret
DATE
DUE
COPYRIGHT EDITION
THE NOVELS OF
CHARLES LEVER
VOLUME
XIII
Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2012 with funding from
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
http://archive.org/details/confessionsofcon13leve
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Downey and Company, Limited
THE NOVELS OF
CHARLES LEVER
Edited by his Daughter
THE CONFESSIONS
OF CON CREGAN
28 ETCHINGS AND OTHER ILLUSTRATIONS BY PHIZ
LONDON
DOWNEY AND CO., LIMITED
12 YORK ST. COVENT GARDEN
1898
This Edition is limited to 1000 copies for
sale in Great Britain and the United States.
EDINBURGH : T. and A. CONSTABLE, Printers to Her Majesty
BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
' The Confessions of Con Cregan ' ivas originally
issued in fourteen monthly <parts, tvith the illustra-
tions by Phiz. It was first published in book
form in 1849, when it appeared in two post 8vo
volumes with the follovving title-page (undated),
in addition to the engraved title-pages:
Confessions | of | Con Cregan : | The Irish Gil
Blas. I With Illustrations on Wood and
Steel | By Hablot K. Brown. | London: |
W M S. Orr and Co., Amen Corner, | Pater-
noster Row.
81
■
O:
CONTENTS
PAGE
author's preface ....... xi
author's note . . . . . . . . xviii
CHAP. I. A PEEP AT MY FATHER . t , , 1
II. ANOTHER PEEP AT MY FATHER .... 8
III. A FIRST STEP ON LIFE'S LADDER .... 21
IV. HOW I ENTERED COLLEGE, AND HOW I LEFT IT . 34
V. A PEEP AT 'HIGH AND LOW COMPANY' ... 43
VI. 'VIEWS OF LIFE' ...... 53
VII. A BOLD STROKE FOR AN OPENING IN THE WORLD . 61
VIII. ' A QUIET CHOP ' AT ' KILLEEN'S,' AND A GLANCE AT
A NEW CHARACTER ..... 81
IX. SIR DUDLEY BROUGHTON ..... 97
X. THE VOYAGE OUT ...... 116
XI. MEANS AND MEDITATIONS ..... 141
XII. A GLIMPSE OF ANOTHER OPENING IN LIFE . . 172
XIII. QUEBEC ........ 182
XIV. HOW I ' FELL IN ' AND ' OUT ' WITH ' THE WIDOW DAVIS ' 193
XV. AN EMIGRANT'S FIRST STEP ' ON SHORE ' . . . 216
XVI. A NIGHT IN THE 'LOWER TOWN' .... 229
XVII. A ' SCENE ' AND ' MY LUCUBRATIONS ON THE ST. LAWRENCE ' 241
XVIII. THE ORDINARY OF ALL NATIONS .... 259
XIX. ON BOARD OF THE ' CHRISTOBAL ' . . . . 289
Vlll
XX.
XXI.
XXII.
XXIII.
XXIV.
XXV.
XXVI.
XXVII.
XXVIII.
XXIX.
XXX.
XXXI.
XXXII.
XXXIII.
XXXIV.
CON CREGAN
THE LOG-HUT AT BRAZOS
A NIGHT IN A FOREST OF TEXAS .
THE LAZARETTO OF BEXAR .
THE PLACER ....
THE FATE OF A GAMBUSINO
LA SENHORA ....
THE DISCOVERY
GUAJUAQUALLA
THE VOYAGE OF THE ' ACADIE '
THE 'CARCEL MORENA ' AT MALAGA
CONSOLATIONS OF DIPLOMACY
A NEW WALK IN PROGRESSIVE LIFE
' MOI ET MON PRINCE '
A SOIREE IN THE 'GREAT WORLD '
CONCLUSION ....
PAGE
314
336
357
383
398
418
451
476
499
514
524
548
578
592
619
LIST OF ETCHINGS
CON AND THE MARCHESA
VIGNETTE TITLE ....
MOUNTING ANDY SMITH'S MARE
HOW CON MATRICULATED
CON LEADING THE WAY
A QUIET CHOP AT ' KILLEEN'S '
THE INTRODUCTION
A ROUGH PLAYMATE
CON'S VISITOR AT THE HUT
CON'S MODEST SOLILOQUY
HOW CON PELL IN WITH THE 'WIDOW DAVIS '
NO. 158 S .
CON GIVES AN EXTRA-ORDINARY ACCOUNT
AT THE 'ORDINARY'
PIZZICHETONI'S WONDERFUL FIDDLE
HE REAPPEARED LEADING A TALL MARE
A FREE AND INDEPENDENT LANDLORD
THE RAPIDS
BEXAR
THE CAMANCHES
THE GOVERNOR
THE FANDANGO
THE DUEL .
MY RECEPTION AT DON ESTABAN'S .
MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT FORTUNE-TELLING
CON'S DUTCH FRIEND
THE ESCAPE ....
CON IN ALGIERS ....
THE MUTUAL RECOGNITION
OF HIMSELF
PAGE
Frontispiece
26
40
70
104
138
161
188
201
212
268
271
317
323
341
353
403
411
439
447
484
511
529
534
586
635
AUTHOR'S PREFACE
An eminent apothecary of my acquaintance once told nie
that at each increase of his family he had added ten per
cent, to the price of his drugs, and as his quiver was
full of daughters, Blackdraught, when I knew him, was
a more costly cordial than Cura^oa.
To apply this to my own case, I may mention that I had
a daughter born to me about the time this story dates from,
and not having at my command the same resource as my
friend the chemist, I adopted the alternative of writing
another story, to be published contemporaneously with
that now appearing — The Daltons ; and not to incur the
reproach so natural in criticism — of over- writing myself —
I took care that the work should come out without a
name.
I am not sure that I made any attempt to disguise my
style; I was conscious of scores of blemishes — I decline
to call them mannerisms — that would betray me : but I
believe I trusted most of all to the fact that I was making
my monthly appearance to the world in another story, and
with another publisher, and I had my hope that my small
duplicity would thus escape undetected.
I was aware that there was a certain amount of peril in
running an opposition coach on the line I had made in
some degree my own ; not to say that it might be question-
xii CON CREGAN
able policy to glut the public with a kind of writing more
remarkable for peculiarity than perfection.
I remember that excellent Irishman, Bianconi — not the
less Irish that he was born at Lucca — which was simply a
' bull ' — once telling me that to popularise a road on which
few people were then travelling, and on which his daily
two-horse car was accustomed to go its journey, with two
or at most three passengers, the idea occurred to him that
he would start an opposition conveyance, of course in
perfect secrecy, and with every outward show of its being
a genuine rival. He effected his object with such success,
that his own agents were completely taken in, and never
wearied of reporting, for his gratification, all the short-
comings and disasters of the rival company.
At length, and when the struggle between the com-
petitors was at its height, one of his drivers rushed
frantically into his office one day, crying out, ' Give a
crown-piece to drink your honour's health for what I done
to-day.'
' What was it, Larry ? '
' I killed the yallow mare of the opposition car ; I passed
her on the long hill, when she was blown, and I bruk her
heart before she reached the top.'
' After this I gave up the opposition,' said my friend —
' " mocking was catching," as the old proverb says ; and I
thought that one might carry a joke a little too far.'
I had this experience before me, and I will not say it
did not impress me. My puzzle was, however, in this wise :
I imagined I did not care on which horse I stood to win ;
AUTHOR'S PREFACE xiii
in other words, I persuaded myself that it was a matter of
perfect indifference to me which book took best with the
public, and whether the reader thought better of The
Daltons or Con Cregan, that it could in no way concern
me.
That I totally misunderstood myself, or misconceived
the case before me, I am now quite ready to own. For
one notice of The Daltons by the Press, there were at
least three or four of Con Cregan, and while the former
was dismissed with a few polite and measured phrases,
the latter was largely praised and freely quoted. Nor
was this all. The critics discovered in Con Cregan a
freshness and a vigour which were so sadly deficient in
The Daltons. It was, they averred, the work of a less
practised writer, but of one whose humour was more
subtle, and whose portraits, roughly sketched as they
were, indicated a far higher power than the well-known
author of Harry Lorrequer.
The unknown — for there was no attempt to guess him
— was pronounced not to be an imitator of Mr. Lever,
though there were certain small points of resemblance;
for he was clearly original in his conception of character,
in his conduct of his story, and in his dialogues ; and there
were traits of knowledge of life, in scenes and under
conditions to which Mr. Lever could lay no claim. One
critic, who had found out more features of resemblance
between the two writers than his colleagues, uttered a
friendly caution to Mr. Lever to look to his laurels, for
there was a rival in the field possessing many of the
xiv CON CREGAN
characteristics by which he first won public favour; but
a racy drollery in description and a quaintness in his
humour all his own. It was the amusement of one of my
children at the time to collect these sage comments and
torment me with their judgments, and I remember a droll
little note-book, in which they were pasted, and read
aloud from time to time with no small amusement and
laughter.
Some of these I have even now before me : —
' Our new novelist has great stuff in him.' — Bath Gazette.
' Con Cregan — author unknown — begins promisingly ; his first
number is a decided hit.' — Cambridge Chronicle.
' The writer of Con Cregan is a new hand, but we predict he will
be a success.' — Cambridge Advertiser.
'A new tale, in a style with which Lever and his followers have
made us acquainted.'— Hampshire Advertiser.
' This tale is from the pen of an able Irish writer. The dialogue is
very smartly written, so much so — and we cannot pay the writer a
more genuine compliment — that it bespeaks the author to be an
Irishman,' etc. — Somerset Gazette.
' Con Cregan — by an unnamed author — is a new candidate for
popularity,' etc. — Northern Whig, Belfast.
' The writer must be an Irishman.' — Nottingham Gazette.
' A new barque launched by an unknown builder.' — Cheltenham
Chronicle.
' That the author's name is not disclosed will not affect the popu-
larity of this work — one of the most attractive,' etc. — Oxford Journal.
' This is a new tale by the pen of some able Irish writer, the first part
of which is only published.' — Ten Toivn Messenger.
'Another new candidate for popular fame, and " Harry Lorrequer "
had better look to his laurels. There is a poacher in the manor in the
person of the writer of Con Cregan.' — Yorkshireman.
' Con Cregan promises to become as great a fact as Harry Lorrequer.'
— People's Journal.
'Another daring author has entered the lists, and with every
promise of success.' — Exeter Post.
AUTHOR'S PREFACE xv
It may sound very absurd to confess it, but I was
excessively provoked at the superior success of the un-
acknowledged book, and felt the rivalry to the full as
painfully as though I had never written a line of it. Was
it that I thought well of one story and very meanly of the
other ; and in consequence was angry at the want of con-
currence of my critics ? I suspect not. I rather imagine
I felt hurt at discovering how little hold I had, in my
acknowledged name, on a public with whom I fancied
myself on such good terms, and it pained me to see with
what ease a new and a nameless man could push for the
place I had believed to be my own.
The Daltons I always wrote, after my habit, in the
morning ; I never turned to Con Cregan until nigh
midnight; and I can still remember the widely different
feelings with which I addressed myself to the task I liked,
and to a story which, in the absurd fashion I have
mentioned, was associated with wounded self-love.
It is scarcely necessary for me to say that there was no
plan whatever in this book. My notion was, that Con
Cregan once created, would not fail to find adventures.
The vicissitudes of daily poverty would beget shifts and
contrivances ; with these successes would come ambition
and daring. Meanwhile a growing knowledge of life
would develop his character, and I should soon see
whether he would win the silver spoon or spoil the horn.
I ask pardon in the most humble manner for presuming
for a moment to associate my hero with the great original
of Le Sage. But I used the word ' Irish ' adjectively, and
xvi CON CREGAN
with the same amount of qualification that one employs
to a diamond, and indeed, as I have read it in a London
paper, to a ' Lord.'
An American officer, of whom I saw much at the time,
was my guide to the interior of Mexico ; he had been
originally in the Santa Fe expedition, was a man of most
adventurous disposition, and a love of stirring incident
and peril, that even broken-down health and a failing
constitution could not subdue.
It was often very difficult for me to tear myself away
from his Texan and Mexican experiences, his wild scenes
of prairie life, or his sojourn amongst Indian tribes, and
keep to the more commonplace events of my own story ;
nor could all my entreaties confine him to those descrip-
tions of places and scenes which I needed for my own
characters.
The saunter after tea-time, with this companion,
generally along that little river that tumbles through
the valley of the Bagno di Lucca, was the usual prepara-
tion for my night's work; and I came to it as intensely
possessed by Mexico — dress, manner, and landscape — as
though I had been drawing on the recollection of a former
journey.
So completely separated in my mind were the two tales
by the different parts of the day in which I wrote them,
that no character of The Daltons ever crossed my mind
after nightfall, nor was there a trace of Con Cregan in
my head at my breakfast next morning.
None of the characters of this story has been taken
AUTHOR'S PREFACE xvii
from life. The one bit of reality in the whole is in the
sketch of ' Anticosti,' where I myself suffered once a very
small shipwreck ; but of which I retain a very vivid recol-
lection to this hour.
I have already owned that I bore a grudge to the
story as I wrote it ; nor have I outlived the memory of
the chagrin it cost me, though it is many a year since
I acknowledged that Con Cregan was by the author of
Harry Lorrequer.
CHARLES LEVER.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
In this age of ours, when thrones not only totter, but
tumble ; when mobs play at skittles with old monarchies,
and bowl them down, on every hand ; there would seem
a degree of presumption in expecting the 'Dear Public'
to turn from the columns of ' Our own Correspondent,' to
read the simple annals of an unknown writer. He has,
however, so much of extenuation in his favour as novelty
can claim; for while most men in these sad days are
declining in fortune, his fates are pretty lively. If Con-
stitutional Monarchy be looking down, Con Cregan's
affairs have been looking up ; for his prospects never bore
a more sprightly aspect.
With this consciousness, and the feeling that a life of
very varied adventure — Home, Foreign, and Colonial — can
rarely be without its lesson, he has ventured to come
forth ; hoping that in the universal din of Europe he may
find an occasional lull, be it ever so brief, for his recital ;
and that just by way of an alterative, the world will turn
for a space from the records of wholesale iniquity to listen
to the still small voice of these Confessions.
His native bashfulness, and other things of the kind,
might have deterred him from giving these papers to the
world; or, at least, like his old friend Talleyrand, the
publication might have been delayed till long after his
AUTHOR'S NOTE xix
demise ; but he has been converted from these intentions,
by remarking that Modesty is about as much cultivated
now as Astrology; and that as a writer of Memoirs is
certain of being attacked, vilified, and, to use a beautiful
native expression, 'bally-ragged,' by the Press, it is just
as well that he should be to 'the fore,' to attack, vilify,
and ' bally-rag ' in his turn.
For the liberty — it is sure to be called such — of intro-
ducing royal and illustrious personages into his pages,
detailing their conversations, printing their letters, and
so on — is this the age to make any apology on that head ?
— besides, when once a man makes free with himself, he
has a clear right to make equally free with his friends.
^ 9 0%§mm^s.
A PEEP AT MY FATHER
HEN we shall have become better ac-
quainted, my worthy reader, there
will be little necessity for my insist-
ing upon a fact which, at this early
stage of our intimacy, I deem it re-
quisite to mention; namely, that my
native modesty and bashfulness are only second to my
veracity, and that while the latter quality in a manner
compels me to lay an occasional stress upon my own
goodness of heart, generosity, candour, and so forth,
I have, notwithstanding, never introduced the subject
without a pang — such a pang as only a sensitive and
diffident nature can suffer or comprehend. There now,
not another word of preface or apology !
I was born in a little cabin on the borders of Meath
and King's County ; it stood on a small triangular bit of
2 THE CONFESSIONS OF
ground, beside a cross-road; and although the place was
surveyed every ten years or so, they were never able to
say to which county we belonged, there being just the
same number of arguments for one side as for the other — a
circumstance, many believed, that decided my father in his
original choice of the residence; for while, under the
' disputed boundary question,' he paid no rates or county
cess, he always made a point of voting at both county
elections ! This may seem to indicate that my parent
was of a naturally acute habit; and indeed the way he
became possessed of the bit of ground will confirm that
impression.
There was nobody of the rank of gentry in the parish,
nor even ' squireen ' ; the richest being a farmer, a snug old
fellow, one Henry M'Cabe, that had two sons, who were
always fighting between themselves which was to have the
old man's money — Peter, the elder, doing everything to
injure Mat, and Mat never backward in paying off the
obligation. At last, Mat, tired out in the struggle,
resolved he would bear no more. He took leave of his
father one night, and next day set off for Dublin, and
'listed in the 'Buffs.' Three weeks after, he sailed for
India ; and the old man, overwhelmed by grief, took to
his bed and never arose from it after.
Not that his death was any way sudden, for he lingered
on for months — Peter always teasing him to make
his will, and be revenged on 'the dirty spalpeen' that
disgraced the family, but old Harry as stoutly resisting,
and declaring that whatever he owned should be fairly
divided between them.
These disputes between father and son were well known
in the neighbourhood. Few of the country-people passing
the house at night but had overheard the old man's weak
reedy voice, and Peter's deep hoarse one, in altercation.
When, at last — it was on a Sunday night — all was still
in the house ; not a word, not a footstep, could be heard,
no more than if it were uninhabited, the neighbours
CON CRBGAN 3
looked knowingly at each other, and wondered if the old
man was worse — if he were dead !
It was a little after midnight that a knock came to the
door of our cabin. I heard it first, for I used to sleep in a
little snug basket near the fire ; but I didn't speak, for I
was frightened. It was repeated still louder, and then
came a cry — ' Con Cregan ; Con, I say, open the door ! I
want you.' I knew the voice well ; it was Peter M'Cabe's ;
but I pretended to be fast asleep, and snored loudly. At
last my father unbolted the door, and I heard him say,
' Oh, Mr. Peter, what 's the matter ? is the ould man
worse
? !
' Faix that 's what he is ! for he 's dead ! '
' Glory be his bed ! when did it happen ? '
1 About an hour ago,' said Peter, in a voice that even I
from my corner could perceive was greatly agitated. ' He
died like an ould haythen, Con, and never made a will ! '
' That 's bad,' says my father, for he was always a polite
man, and said whatever was pleasing to the company.
'It is bad,' said Peter; 'but it would be worse if we
couldn't help it. Listen to me now, Corny ; I want you to
help me in this business ; and here 's five guineas in goold,
if you do what I bid you. You know that you were always
reckoned the image of my father, and before he took ill ye
were mistaken for each other every day of the week.'
' Anan ! ' said my father ; for he was getting frightened
at the notion, without well knowing why.
'Well, -what I want is, for you to come over to the
house, and get into the bed.'
'Not beside the corpse?' said my father, trembling.
' By no means ; but by yourself ; and you 're to pretend
to be my father, and that you want to make yer will before
you die ; and then I' 11 send for the neighbours, and Billy
Scanlan the schoolmaster, and you '11 tell him what to write,
laving all the farm and everything to me — you understand ?
And as the neighbours will see you, and hear yer voice, it
will never be believed but that it was himself that did it.'
4 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' The room must be very dark,' says my father.
'To be sure it will; but have no fear! Nobody will
dare to come nigh the bed ; and you '11 only have to make
a cross with yer pen under the name.'
' And the priest ? ' said my father.
'My father quarrelled with him last week about the
Easter dues, and Father Tom said he 'd not give him the
" rites " ; and that 's lucky now ! Come along now, quick, for
we 've no time to lose ; it must be all finished before the
day breaks.'
My father did not lose much time at his toilette, for he
just wrapped his big coat round him, and slipping on his
brogues, left the house. I sat up in the basket and listened
till they were gone some minutes ; and then, in a costume
as light as my parent's, set out after them, to watch the
course of the adventure. I thought to take a short cut, and
be before them ; but by bad luck I fell into a bog-hole, and
only escaped being drowned by a chance. As it was, when
I reached the house, the performance had already begun.
I think I see the whole scene this instant before my
eyes, as I sat on a little window with one pane, and that a
broken one, and surveyed the proceeding. It was a large
room, at one end of which was a bed, and beside it a table,
with physic-bottles, and spoons, and tea-cups ; a little
farther off was another table, at which sat Billy Scanlan,
with all manner of writing materials before him. The
country-people sat two, sometimes three, deep round the
walls, all intently eager and anxious for the coming
event. Peter himself went from place to place, trying to
smother his grief, and occasionally helping the company
to whisky — which was supplied with more than accustomed
liberality.
All my consciousness of the deceit and trickery could
not deprive the scene of a certain solemnity. The misty
distance of the half -lighted room; the highly wrought
expression of the country-people's faces, never more
intensely excited than at some moment of this kind ; the
CON CREGAN 5
low, deep-drawn breathings, unbroken save by a sigh or a
sob, the tribute of affectionate sorrow to some lost friend,
whose memory was thus forcibly brought back — these, I
repeat it, were all so real, that, as I looked, a thrilling
sense of awe stole over me, and I actually shook with fear.
A low, faint cough from the dark corner where the bed
stood seemed to cause even a deeper stillness ; and then in
a silence where the buzzing of a fly would have been heard,
my father said, ' Where 's Billy Scanlan ? I want to make
my will ! '
' He 's here, father ! ' said Peter, taking Billy by the
hand and leading him to the bedside.
' Write what I bid you, Billy, and be quick, for I haven't
a long time afore me here. I die a good Catholic, though
Father O'Raff erty won't give me the " rites ! " '
A general chorus of muttered ' Oh, musha, musha !' was
now heard through the room ; but whether in grief over
the sad fate of the dying man, or the unflinching severity
of the priest, is hard to say.
' I die in peace with all my neighbours and all mankind ! '
Another chorus of the company seemed to approve
these charitable expressions.
' I bequeath unto my son, Peter — and never was there a
better son or a decenter boy! — have you that down? I
bequeath unto my son, Peter, the whole of my two farms
of Killimundoonery and Knocksheboora, with the fallow
meadows behind Lynch's house ; the forge, and the right
of turf on the Dooran bog. I give him, and much good
may it do him, Lanty Cassarn's acre, and the Luary
field, with the limekiln; and that reminds me that my
mouth is just as dry ; let me taste what ye have in the
jug.' Here the dying man took a very hearty pull, and
seemed considerably refreshed by it. ' Where was I, Billy
Scanlan ? ' says he ; ' oh, I remember, at the limekiln ; I
leave him — that's Peter, I mean — the two potato-gardens
at Noonan's Well ; and it is the elegant fine crops grows
there.'
6 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' An't you gettin' wake, father darlin' ? ' says Peter,
who began to be afraid of iny father's loquaciousness ; for,
to say the truth, the punch got into his head, and he was
greatly disposed to talk.
' I am, Peter, my son,' says he ; ' I am getting wake ; just
touch my lips again with the jug. Ah, Peter, Peter, you
watered the drink ! '
' No, indeed, father ; but it 's the taste is leavin' you,'
says Peter ; and again a low chorus of compassionate pity
murmured through the cabin.
' Well, I 'm nearly done now,' says my father : ' there 's
only one little plot of ground remaining ; and I put it on
you, Peter — as you wish to live a good man, and die with
the same easy heart I do now— that you mind my last
words to you here. Are you listening? Are the neighbours
listening ? Is Billy Scanlan listening ? '
'Yes, sir. Yes, father. We're all minding,' chorused
the audience.
' Well, then, it 's my last will and testament, and may —
give me over the jug' — here he took a long drink — 'and
may that blessed liquor be poison to me if I 'm not as eager
about this as every other part of my will ; I say, then, I
bequeath the little plot at the cross-roads to poor Con
Cregan ; for he has a heavy charge, and is as honest and as
hard-working a man as ever I knew. Be a friend to him,
Peter, dear ; never let him want while ye have it yourself ;
think of me on my death-bed whenever he asks you for any
trifle. Is it down, Billy Scanlan? the two acres at the
cross to Con Cregan, and his heirs in secla seclorum. Ah,
blessed be the saints! but I feel my heart lighter after
that,' says he ; 'a good work makes an easy conscience.
And now I '11 drink all the company's good health, and
many happy returns '
What he was going to add, there's no saying; but
Peter, who was now terribly frightened at the lively tone
the sick man was assuming, hurried all the people away
into another room, to let his father die in peace.
CON CREGAN 7
When they were all gone, Peter slipped back to my
father, who was putting on his brogues in a corner :
' Con,' says he, ' you did it all well ; but sure that was a
joke about the two acres at the cross.'
' Of course it was, Peter ! ' says he ; ' sure it was all a
joke, for the matter of that ; won't I make the neighbours
laugh hearty to-morrow when I tell them all about it ! '
'You wouldn't be mean enough to betray me?' says
Peter, trembling with fright.
' Sure you wouldn't be mean enough to go against yer
father's dying words ? ' says my father ; ' the last sentence
ever he spoke ' ; and here he gave a low wicked laugh, that
made myself shake with fear.
' Very well, Con ! ' says Peter, holding out his hand ; ' a
bargain 's a bargain ; yer a deep fellow, that 's all ! ' and so
it ended ; and my father slipped quietly home over the bog,
mighty well satisfied with the legacy he left himself.
And thus we became the owners of the little spot
known to this day as Con's Acre.
ANOTHER PEEP AT MY FATHER
Y father's prosperity had the usual effect
it has in similar cases. It lifted him
into a different sphere of companion-
ship, and suggested new habits of life.
No longer necessitated to labour daily
for his bread, by a very slight exercise
of industry he could cultivate his ' potato-garden ' ; and
every one who knows anything of Ireland, well knows
that the potato and its corollary — the pig, supply every
want of an Irish cottier household.
Being thus at liberty to dispose of himself and his
time, my parent was enabled to practise a long-desired,
and much -coveted mode of life, which was to fre-
quent shebeens and ale-houses, and all similar places of
resort ; not, indeed, for the gratification of any passion
for drink — for my father only indulged when he was
'treated,' and never could bring himself to spend a
farthing in liquor himself — but his great fondness for
these places took its origin in his passion for talk. Never,
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 9
indeed, lived there a man — from Lord Brougham himself,
downwards — who had a greater taste for gossip and
loquaciousness than my father. It mattered little what
the subject, he was always ready; and whether it were
a crim. con. in the newspapers, a seizure for rent, a
marriage in high life, or a pig in the pound — there he
was, explaining away all difficult terms of law and juris-
prudence ; and many a difficulty that Tom Cafferty, the
postmaster, had attempted in vain to solve, was, by a
kind of ' writ of error,' removed to my father's court for
explanation and decision.
That he soon became a kind of authority in the
neighbouring town of Kilbeggan, need not excite any
surprise. It is men of precisely his kind, and with talents
of an order very similar to his, that wield influence in
the great cities of the earth. It is your talking, pushing,
forward men, seeming always confident in what they say
— never acknowledging an error nor confessing a defeat,
who take the lead in life. With average ability, and ten
times the average assurance, they reach the goal that
bashful merit never even so much as gets within sight of.
His chief resort, however, was the Court of Quarter
Sessions, where he sat from the first opening case to the
last judgment, watching with an intense interest all the
vacillating changes of the law's uncertainty, which un-
questionably were not in any way diminished by the
singular individual who presided in that seat of justice.
Simon Ball — or as he was better known at the bar, Snow
Ball, an epithet he owed to his white head and eyebrows —
had qualified himself for the bench by improving upon
the proverbial attribute of justice. He was not only blind
but deaf. For something like forty- five years he had
walked the hall of the Four Courts with an empty bag,
and a head scarcely more encumbered, when one morning
— no one could guess why — the Gazette announced that
the Lord-Lieutenant had appointed him to the vacant
chairmanship of Westmeath — a promotion which had the
10 THE CONFESSIONS OF
effect of confounding all political animosity by its perfect
unaccountableness.
It is a law of Nature that nothing ever goes to loss.
Bad wine will make very tolerable vinegar; spoiled, hay
is converted into good manure; and so, a very middling
lawyer often drops down into a very respectable judge.
Had the gods but acknowledged Mr. Ball's abilities some
years earlier, doubtless he had been an exception to the
theory. They waited, however, so long, that both sight
and hearing were in abeyance when the promotion came.
It seemed to rally him, however, this act of recognition,
although late. It was a kind of corroboration of the
self-estimate of a long life, and he prepared to show the
world that he was very different from what they took
him for. No men have the bump of self-esteem like
lawyers ; they live, and grow old, and die, always fancying
that Holts, and Hales, and Mansfields, are hid within the
unostentatious exterior of their dusty garments ; and
that the wit that dazzles, and the pathos that thrills,
are all rusting inside, just for want of a little of that
cheering encouragement by -which their contemporaries
are clad in silk and walk in high places. Snow Ball was
determined to show the world its error, and with a smart
frock and green spectacles, he took the field like a 'fine
old Irish barrister,' with many a dry joke or sly sarcasm
curled up in the wrinkles beside his mouth. However
cheap a man may be held by his fellows in the ' Hall,' he
is always sure of a compensation in the provinces. There,
the country gentlemen looked upon their chairman as a
Blackstone— not alone a storehouse of law, but a great
appeal upon questions of general knowledge and informa-
tion. I should scarcely have ventured upon what some
of my readers may regard as a mere digression, if it were
not that the gentleman, and the peculiar nature of his
infirmities, had led to an intimate relation with my father.
My parent's fondness for law, and all appertaining to it,
had attached him to the little inn where Mr. Ball usually
CON CREGAN 11
put up at each season of his visit ; and gradually, by
tendering little services, as fetching an umbrella when
it rained, hastening for a book of reference if called for,
searching out an important witness, and probably by a
most frequent and respectful use of the title 'my lord,'
instead of the humble 'your worship,' he succeeded in so
ingratiating himself with the judge, that without exactly
occupying any precise station, or having any regular em-
ployment, he became in some sort a recognised appendage
— a kind of ' unpaid attache to the court ' of Kilbeggan.
My father was one of those persons who usually ask
only a 'lift' from Fortune, and do not require to be
continually aided by her. From being the humble
attendant on the judge, he soon succeeded to being
his privy councillor, supplying a hundred little secret
details of the neighbourhood and its local failings, which
usually gave Mr. Ball's decisions on the bench an air
approaching inspiration, so full were they of a knowledge
of individual life. As confidence ripened, my father was
employed in reading out to the judge of an evening the
various depositions of witnesses, the information laid,
and the affidavits sworn — opportunities from which he
did not neglect to derive the full advantage ; for while
he usually accompanied the written document with a
running commentary of his own to Mr. Ball, he also
contrived to let the suitor feel how great was his know-
ledge of the case, and what a powerful influence behind
the scenes he wielded over the fortunes of the cause, in-
somuch that it became soon well known that he who had
Con Cregan on his side was better off than with the whole
bench of country magistrates disposed to favour him.
My father's prudence did not desert him in these trying
circumstances. Without any historical knowledge of the
matter, he knew, by a species of instinct, that pride was
the wreck of most men, and that, to wield real substantial
power, it is often necessary to assume a garb of apparent
inefficiency and incapacity. To this end, the greater the
12 THE CONFESSIONS OF
influence lie possessed, the humbler did he affect to be;
disclaiming everything like power, he got credit for pos-
sessing a far greater share than he ever really enjoyed.
That the stream of justice did not run perfectly pure
and clear, however, may not be a matter of surprise ; for
how many rocks, and shoals, and quicksands, are there
in the channel ! and certainly my father was a dangerous
hand at the wheel. Litigation, it must be owned, lost
much of its vacillation. The usual question about any
case, was, ' What does Con say ? did Con Cregan tell you
you '11 win ? ' That was decisive — none sceptical enough
to ask for more !
At the feet of this Gamaliel I was brought up, nothing
the more tenderly that a step-mother presided over the
' home department.' As I was a stout boy, of some
thirteen or fourteen at this period of my father's life,
and could read and write tolerably well, I was constantly
employed in making copies of various papers used at the
Sessions. Were I psychologically inclined, I might pause
here to inquire how far these peculiar studies had their
influence in biassing the whole tenor of my very eventful
life; what latent stores of artifice did I lay up from all
these curious subtleties ; how did I habituate my mind
to weigh and balance probabilities, as evidence inclined
to this side or that; above all, how gratified was I with
the discovery, that there existed a legal right and wrong,
perfectly distinct from the moral ones — a fact which
served at once to open the path of life far wider and
more amply before me.
I must, however, leave this investigation to the reader's
acuteness, if he think it worth following out; nor would
I now allude to it, save as it affords me the opportunity,
once for all, of explaining modes of thinking and acting
which might seem, without some such clue, as unfitting
and unseemly in one reared and brought up as I was.
Whether the new dignity of his station had disposed
him to it or not, I cannot say, but my father became far
CON CREGAN 13
more stern in his manner and exacting in his require-
ments as he rose in life. The practice of the law seemed
to impart some feature of its own peremptory character
to himself, as he issued his orders in our humble household
with all the impressive solemnity of a writ — indeed, aiding
the effect by phrases taken from the awful vocabulary of
justice.
If my step-mother objected to anything, the answer
was usually, she might ' traverse in prox ' at the next
Sessions ; while to myself every order was in the style of
a ' mandamus.' Not satisfied with the mere terrors of the
Bench, he became so enamoured of the pursuit, as to
borrow some features of prison discipline for the conduct
of our household ; thus, for the slightest infractions of his
severe code, I was ' put ' upon No. 3, Penitentiary diet —
only reading potatoes vice bread.
There would seem to be something uncongenial to
obedience in any form in the life of an Irish peasant,
something, doubtless, in the smell of the turf. He seems
to imbibe a taste for freedom by the very architecture
of his dwelling, and the easy unbuttoned liberty of his
corduroys. Young as I was, I suppose the Celt was strong
within me ; and the Times says, that will account for all
delinquencies. I felt this powerfully ; not the less, indeed,
that my father almost invariably visited me with the
penalty of the case then before the Court ; so that while
copying out at night the details of the prosecution, I had
time to meditate over the coming sentence. It was,
perhaps, fortunate for me that capital cases do not come
under the jurisdiction of a ' sitting barrister,' otherwise I
verily believe I might have suffered the last penalty of the
law from my parent's infatuation.
My sense of ' equity ' at last revolted. I perceived, that
no matter who ' sued,' / was always ' cast ' ; and I at length
resolved on resistance. I remember well the night this
resolution was formed — it was a cold and cheerless one of
January. My father had given me a great mass of papers
14 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to copy, and a long article for the newspapers to write
out, which the ' judge ' was to embody in his address to the
Bench. I never put pen to either, but sat with my head
between my hands for twelve mortal hours, revolving
every possible wickedness, and wondering whether in my
ingenuity I could not invent some offences that no indict-
ment could comprise. Day broke, and found me still un-
occupied. I was just meditating whether I should avow
my rebellion openly, and ■ plead ' in mitigation, when my
father came in.
My reader must excuse me if I do not dwell on what
followed. It is enough to say that the nature of my
injuries are unknown to the criminal statute, and that
although my wounds and bruises are familiar to the prize-
ring, they are ignored by all jurisprudence out of the slave
states. Even my step-mother confessed, that I was not fit
to ' pick out of the gutter,' and she proved her words by
leaving me where I lay.
Revenge must be a very ' human ' passion ; my taste for
it came quite naturally. I had never read Othello nor
Zanga; but I conceived a very clear and precise notion
that I had a debt to pay, and pay it I would. Had the
obligation been of a pecuniary character, and some
' bankrupt commission ' been in jurisdiction over it, I had
doubtless been called upon to discharge it in a series of
instalments proportional to my means of life; being a
moral debt, however, I enjoyed the privilege of paying
it at once, and in full; which I did thus. I had often
remarked that my father arose at night and left the cabin,
crossing a little garden behind the house to a little shed,
where our pig and an ass lived in harmony together ; and
here, by dint of patient observation, I discovered that his
occupation lay in the thatch of the aforesaid shed, in
which he seemed to conceal some object of value.
Thither I now repaired, some secret prompting sug-
gesting that it might afford me the wished -for means of
vengeance. My disappointment was indeed great, that no
CON CREGAN 15
compact roll of bank-notes, no thick woollen stocking close
packed with guineas, or even crown-pieces, met my hand ;
a heavy bundle of papers and parchment were all I could
find, and these bore such an unhappy family resemblance
to the cause of all my misfortunes, that I was ready to
tear them to pieces in very spite. A mere second's reflec-
tion suggested a better course. There was a certain
attorney in Kilbeggan, one Morissy, my father's bitterest
enemy ; indeed, my parent's influence in the session court
had almost ruined, and left him -without a client. The
man of law and precedents in vain struggled against de-
cisions, which a secret and irresponsible adviser contrived
beforehand, and Morissy's knowledge and experience were
soon discovered to be valueless. It was a game in which
skill went for nothing.
This gentleman's character at once pointed him out as
the fitting agent of vengeance on my father, and by an
hour after daybreak did I present myself before him in all
the consciousness of my injured state.
Mr. Morissy's reception of me was not over gracious.
' Well, you spawn of the devil,' said he, as he turned
about from a small fragment of looking-glass, before
which he was shaving, 'what brings you here? bad luck
to you ! the sight of you 's made me cut myself.'
' I 'm come, sir, for a bit of advice, sir,' said I, putting
my hand to my hat in salutation.
' Assault and battery ! ' said he, with a grin on the side
of his mouth where the soap had been shaved away.
' Yes, sir ; an aggravated case,' said I, using the phrase
of the sessions.
' Why don't you apply to yer father ? he 's Crown lawyer
and Attorney- General ; 'faith, he's more besides — he's
judge and jury too.'
' And more than that in the present suit, sir,' says I,
following up his illustration ; ' he 's the defendant here.'
' What ! is that his doing ? '
' Yes, sir ; his own hand and mark,' said I, laughing.
16 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' That 's an ugly cut, and mighty near the eye ! but sure,
after all, you 're his child.'
' Very true, sir ; it 's only paternal correction ; but I
have something else ! '
' What 's that, Con, my boy ? ' said he ; for we were now
growing very familiar.
' It is this, sir,' said I ; ' this roll of papers, that I found
hid in the thatch — a safe place my father used to make his
strong-box.'
'Let us see !' said Morissy, sitting down and opening the
package. Many were old summonses discharged, notices
to quit withdrawn, and so on ; but at last he came to
two papers pinned together, at sight of which he almost
jumped from his chair. ' Con,' says he, ' describe the place
you found them in.' I went over all the discovery again.
' Did you yourself see your father put in papers there ? '
' I did, sir.'
' On more than one occasion ? '
' At least a dozen times, sir.'
'Did you ever remark any one else putting papers
there ? '
' Never, sir ! none of the neighbours ever come through
the garden.'
' And it was always at night, and in secret he used to
repair there ? '
' Always at night.'
' That '11 do, Con ; that '11 do, my son. You '11 soon turn
the tables on the old boy. You may go down to the
kitchen and get your breakfast; be sure, however, that
you don't leave the house to-day. Your father mustn't
know where you are till we 're ready for him.'
' Is it a strong case, sir ? ' said I.
' A very strong case — never a flaw in it.'
' Is it more than a larceny, sir ? ' said I.
' It is better than that.'
' I 'd rather it didn't go too far,' said I, for I was
beginning to feel afraid of what I had done.
CON CREGAN 17
' Leave that to me, Con,' said Mr. Morissy, ' and go
down to yer breakfast.'
I did as I was bid, and never stirred out of the house
the whole day, nor for eight days after ; when one
morning Morissy bid me clean myself, and brush my
hair, to come with him to the court-house.
I guessed at once what was going to happen ; and now,
as my head was healed, and all my bruises cured, I 'd very
gladly have forgiven all the affair, and gone home again
with my father ; but it was too late. As Mr. Morissy said,
with a grin, ' The law is an elegant contrivance ; a child's
finger can set it in motion, but a steam-engine could not
hold it back afterwards ! '
The court was very full that morning ; there were five
magistrates on the bench, and Mr. Ball in the middle of
them. There were a great many farmers too, for it was
market-day ; and numbers of the townspeople, who all
knew my father, and were not sorry to see him ' up.'
Cregan versus Cregan stood third on the list of cases, and
very little interest attached to the two that preceded it.
At last it was called ; and there I stood before the bench,
with five hundred pair of eyes all bent upon me, and two
of them actually looking through my very brain — for they
were my father's, as he stood at the opposite side of the
table, below the bench.
The case was called an assault, and very soon ter-
minated, for by my own admission it was clear that I
deserved punishment, though probably not so severely as
it had been inflicted. The judge delivered a very impres-
sive lesson to my father and myself about our respective
duties, and dismissed the case, with a reproof, the greater
share of which fell to me. ' You may go now, sir,' said he,
winding up a fine peroration ; ' fear God, and honour the
king ; respect your parents, and make your capitals
smaller.'
' Before your worship dismisses the witness,' said
Morissy, ' I wish to put a few questions to him.'
13 B
18 THE CONFESSIONS OF
The case is disposed of ; call the next,' said the judge
angrily.
'I have a most important fact to disclose to your
worship; one which is of the highest importance to the
due administration of justice ; one which, if suffered to lie
in obscurity, will be a disgrace to the law, and a reproach
to the learned Bench.'
' Call the next case, crier,' said the judge. ' Sit down,
Mr. Morissy.'
' Your worship may commit me, but I will be heard '
' Tipstaff ! take that man into '
' When you hear of a mandamus from the King's Bench
— when you know that a case of compounding a felony '
' Come away, Mr. Morissy ; come quiet, sir ! ' said the
police-sergeant.
' What were you saying of a mandamus?' said the judge,
getting frightened at the dreaded word.
' I was saying this, sir,' said Morissy, turning fiercely
round; 'that I am possessed of information which you
refused to hear, and which will make the voice of the
Chief -Justice heard in this court, which now denies its ear
to truth.'
'Conduct yourself more becomingly, sir,' said one of
the county magistrates, ' and open your case.'
Morissy, who was far more submissive to the gentry than
to the chairman, at once replied in his blandest tone —
' Your worship, it is now more than a month since I
appeared before you in the case of Noonan versus M'Quade
and others — an aggravated case of homicide. I might go
further, and apply to it the most awful term the
vocabulary of justice contains ! Your worship will re-
member, that on that very interesting and important
case, a document was missing, of such a character that
the main feature of the case seemed actually to hang
upon it. This was no less than the death-bed confession
of Noonan, formally taken before a justice of the peace,
Mr. Styles, and written with all the accurate regard to
CON CREGAN 19
circumstances the law exacts. Mr. Styles, the magistrate
who took the deposition, was killed by a fall from his
horse the following week; his clerk being ill, the indi-
vidual who wrote the case was Con Cregan. Your worship
may bear in mind that this man, when called to the
witness-box, denied all knowledge of this dying confession,
asserted that what he took down in writing were simply
some brief and unsatisfactory notes of the affray — all to
the advantage of the M'Quades — and swore that Mr. Styles,
who often alluded to the document as a confession, was
entirely in error, the whole substance of it being unim-
portant and vague ; some very illegible and ill- written
notes corroborating which were produced in court as the
papers in question.
'Noonan being dead, and Mr. Styles also, the whole
case rested on the evidence of Cregan, and although, your
worship, the man's character for veracity was not of that
nature among the persons of his own neighbourhood to '
' Confine yourself to the case, sir,' said the judge,
' without introducing matter of mere common report.'
' I am in a position to prove my assertion,' said Morissy
triumphantly. ' I hold here in my hand the abstracted
documents, signed and sealed by Mr. Styles, and engrossed
with every item of regularity. I have more — a memor-
andum purporting to be a copy of a receipt for eighteen
pounds ten shillings, received by Cregan from Jos.
M'Quade, the wages of this crime ; and, if more were
necessary, a promissory - note from M'Quade for an
additional sum of seven pounds, at six months' date.
These are the papers which I am prepared to prove in
court; this the evidence which a few minutes back I
tendered in vain before you ; and there,' said he, turning
with a vindictive solemnity to "where my father was
standing, pale, but collected, 'there's the man who, dis-
tinguished by your worship's confidence, I now arraign
for the suppression of this evidence, and the composition
of a felony ! '
20 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
If Mr. Morissy was not perfectly correct in his law,
there was still quite enough to establish a charge of
misdemeanour against my father ; and he was accordingly
committed for trial at the approaching assizes, while I
was delivered over to the charge of a police-sergeant, to
be in readiness when my testimony should be required.
The downfall of a dynasty is sure to evoke severe
recrimination against the late ruler, and now my parent,
who but a few days past could have tilted the beam of
justice at his mere pleasure, was overwhelmed with, not
merely abuse and attack, but several weighty accusations
of crime were alleged against him. Not only was it dis-
covered that he interfered with the due course of justice,
but that he was a prime actor in, and contriver of, many
of the scenes of insurrectionary disturbance, which for
years back had filled the country with alarm and the
gaols with criminals.
For one of these cases, a night attack for arms, the
evidence was so complete and unquestionable, that the
Crown prosecutor disliking the exhibition of a son giving
evidence against his parent, dispensed with my attendance
altogether, and prosecuting the graver charge obtained a
verdict of guilty.
The sentence was transportation for life, with a con-
fiscation of all property to the Crown. Thus my first step
in life was to exile my father, and leave myself a beggar —
a promising beginning, it must be owned !
FIRST STEP ON LIFE S LADDER
is among the strange and singular
anomalies of our nature, that however
pleased men may be at the conviction
of a noted offender, few of those in-
strumental to his punishment are held
in honour and esteem. If all Kilbeggan rejoiced, as they
did, at my father's downfall, a very considerable share of
obloquy rested on me — a species of judgment, I honestly
confess, that I was not the least prepared for.
' There goes the little informer, said they as I passed.
' What did you get for hanging ' — a very admirable piece of
Irish exaggeration — ' for hanging yer father, Con? ' said one.
' Couldn't you help yer step-mother to a say vogage ? '
shouted another.
' And then we 'd be rid of yez all,' chimed in a third.
' He 's rich now,' whined out an old beggar-man that
often had eaten his potatoes at our fireside. ' He 's rich
now, the chap is ; he '11 marry a lady ! '
This was the hardest to bear of all the slights, for not
22 THE CONFESSIONS OF
alone had I lost all pretension to my father's property, but
the raggedness of my clothes, and the general misery of
my appearance, might have saved me from the reproach
of what is so forcibly termed ' blood-money.'
' Come over to me this evening,' said Father Rush, and
they were the only words of comfort I heard from any
side. ' Come over to me about six o'clock, Con, for I want
to speak to you.'
They were long hours that intervened between that
and six. I could not stay in the town where every one I
met had some sneer or scoff against me ; I could not go
home — I had none ! and so I wandered out into the open
country, taking my course towards a bleak common, about
two miles off, where few, if any one, was likely to be but
myself.
This wild and dreary tract lay alongside of the main
road to Athlone, and was traversed by several footpaths,
by which the country-people were accustomed to make
' short cuts ' to market, from one part of the road to
another ; for the way passing through a bog, took many a
winding turn as the ground necessitated.
There is a feeling of lonely desolation in wide far-
stretching wastes, that accords well with the purposeless
vacuity of hopelessness ; but somehow or other the very
similitude between the scene without, and the sense of
desolation within, establishes a kind of companionship.
Lear was speaking like a true philosopher when he
uttered the words, ' I like this rocking of the battlements.'
I had wandered some hours ' here and there ' upon the
common, and it was now the decline of day, when I saw at
a little distance from me the figure of a young man, whose
dress and appearance bespoke condition, running along at
a brisk pace, but evidently labouring under great fatigue.
The instant he saw me he halted, and cried out, ' I say,
my boy, is that Kilbeggan yonder, where I see the spire ? '
' Yes, sir.'
' And where is the highroad to Athlone ? '
CON CREGAN 23
' Yonder, sir, where the two trees are standing.'
1 Have you seen the coach pass — the mail for Athlone ? '
' Yes, sir, she went through the town about half an
hour ago.'
' Are you certain, boy ? are you quite sure of this ? ' cried
he, in a voice of great agitation.
' I am quite sure, sir ; they always change horses at
Moone's public-house, and I saw them " draw up " there
more than half an hour since.'
' Is there no other coach passes this road for Dublin ? '
' The night mail, sir, but she does not go to-night ; this
is Saturday.'
' What is to be done ? ' said the youth in deep sorrow,
and he seated himself on a stone as he spoke, and hid his
face between his hands.
As he sat thus, I had time to mark him well, and scan
every detail of his appearance.
Although tall and stoutly knit, he could not have been
above sixteen, or at most seventeen years of age; his
dress, a kind of shooting-jacket, was made in a cut that
affected fashion, and I observed on one finger of his very
white hand a ring, which, even to my uneducated eyes,
bespoke considerable value.
He looked up at last, and his eyes were very red, and a
certain trembling of the lips showed that he was much
affected. ' I suppose, my lad, I can find a chaise or a
carriage of some kind in Kilbeggan ? ' said he, ' for I have
lost the mail. I had got out for a walk, and by the advice
of a countryman taken this path over the bog, expecting,
as he told me, it would cut off several miles of way. I
suppose I must have mistaken him, for I have been
running for above an hour, and am too late after all ; but
still, if I can find a chaise, I shall be in time yet.'
' They 're all gone, sir,' said I ; ' and sorry am I to have
such tidings to tell. The Sessions broke up to-day, and
they 're away with the lawyers to Kinnegad.'
' And how far is that from us ? '
24 THE CONFESSIONS OF
1 Sixteen miles or more, by the road.'
' And how am I to get there ? '
' Unless ye walk it '
'Walk! impossible. I am dead beat already; besides
the time it would take would lose me all chance of
reaching Dublin as I want.'
' Andy Smith has a horse, if he 'd lend it ; and there 's a
short road by Hogan's boreen.'
'Where does this Smith live?' said he, stopping me
impatiently.
' Not a half-mile from here ; you can see the house from
this.'
' Come along, then, and show me the way, my boy,' said
he ; and the gleam of hope seemed to lend alacrity to his
movements.
Away we set together, and, as we went, it was arranged
between us that if Andy would hire out his mare, I should
accompany the rider as guide, and bring back the animal
to its owner, while the traveller proceeded on his journey
to town.
The negotiation was tedious enough ; for, at first, Andy
wouldn't appear at all ; he thought it was a process-server
was after him — a suspicion probably suggested by my
presence, as it was generally believed that a rag of my
father's mantle had descended to me. It was only after a
very cautious and careful scrutiny of the young traveller
through a small glass-eye — it wasn't a window — in the
mud wall, that he would consent to come out. When he
did so, he treated the proposal most indignantly. ' Is it he
hire out his baste ? as if she was a dirty garraun of Betty
Nowlan's of the head inn — he wondered who'd ask the
like!'
The youth, deterred by this reception, would have
abandoned the scheme at once ; but I, better acquainted
with such characters as Andy, and knowing that his
difficulties were only items in the intended charge, haggled,
and bargained, and bullied, and blarneyed by turns ; and,
CON CEEGAN 25
after some five-and-forty minutes of alternate joking and
abusing each other, it was at last agreed on, that the ' baste '
was to be ceded for the sum of fifteen shillings — ' two-and-
sixpence more if his honour was pleased with the way she
carried him'; the turnpike and a feed of oats being also
at the charge of the rider, as well as all repairs of shoes
incurred by loss, or otherwise. Then there came a supple-
mental clause as to the peculiar care of the animal. How
' she wasn't to be let drink too much at once, for she 'd
get the colic ' ; and if she needed shoeing, she was to
have a ' twitch ' on her nose, or she 'd kick the forge to
'smithereens.' The same precaution to be taken if the
saddle required fresh girthing ; a hint was given, besides,
not to touch her with the left heel, or she 'd certainly kick
the rider with the hind leg of the same side ; and, as a last
caution given, to be on our guard at the cross-roads at
Toomes Bridge, or she 'd run away towards Croghan,
where she once was turned out in foal. ' Barring ' these
peculiarities, and certain smaller difficulties about mount-
ing, ' she was a lamb, and the sweetest tempered crayture
ever was haltered.'
In the very midst of this panegyric upon the animal's
good and noble qualities he flung open the door of a little
shed, and exhibited her to our view. I verily believe, what-
ever the urgency of the youth's reason for proceeding, that
his heart failed him at the sight of the steed ; a second's
reconsideration seemed to rally his courage, and he said,
' No matter, it can't be helped ; saddle her at once, and let
us be off.'
' That 's easier said nor done,' muttered Andy to himself,
as he stood at the door, without venturing a step farther.
' Con,' said he, at last, in a species of coaxing tone I "well
knew boded peril, ' Con, acushla, get a howld of her by the
head, that 's a fine chap ; make a spring at the forelock.'
' Maybe she 'd kick '
' Sorra kick ! get up there now, and I '11 be talking to you
all the while.'
26 THE CONFESSIONS OF
This proposition, though doubtless meant as most
encouraging, by no means reassured me.
'Come, come! I'll bridle the infernal beast,' said the
youth, losing all patience with both of us ; and he sprang
forward into the stable ; but barely had he time to jump
back, as the animal let fly with both hind legs together.
Andy, well aware of what was coming, pulled us both back,
and shut to the door, against which the hoofs kept up one
rattling din of kicks that shook the crazy edifice from roof
to ground.
' Ye see what comes of startlin' her ; the crayture 's timid
as a kid,' said Andy, whose blanched cheek badly corro-
borated his assumed composure. 'Ye may do what ye
plaze, barrin' putting a bridle on her ; she never took kindly
to that ! '
' But do you intend me to ride her without one ? ' said the
youth.
' By no manner of means, sir,' said Andy, with a plausible
slowness on each word, that gave him time to think of an
expedient; 'I wouldn't be guilty of the like; none that
knows me would ever say it to me. I 'm a poor man '
' You 're a devilish tiresome one,' broke in the youth
suddenly ; ' here we have been above half an hour standing
at the door, and none the nearer our departure than when
we arrived.'
' Christy Moore could bridle her, if he was here,' said
Andy; 'but he's gone to Moate, and won't be back till
evening ; maybe that would do ? '
A very impatient, and not very pious exclamation con-
signed Christy to an untimely fate. ' Well, don't be angry,
anyhow, sir,' said Andy ; ' there 's many a thing a body
would think of, if they weren't startled ; see now, I have a
way this minute, an elegant fine way, too.'
' Well, what is it ! Confound your long-winded speeches !'
' There now, you 're angry again ! sure it 's enough to
give one quite a through-otherness, and not leave them
time to reflect.'
Mounting Andy Smith's Mare .
CON CREGAN 27
' Your plan, your plan ! ' said the young man, his lips
trembling with anger and impatience.
' Here it is, then ; let the " gossoon," ' meaning me, ' get
up on the roof and take off two or three of the scraws, the
sods of grass, till he can get through, and then steal down
on the mare's back; when he's once on her, she'll never
stir head nor foot, and he can slip the bridle over quite
aisy.'
' The boy might be killed ; no, no, 1 11 not suffer that '
' Wait, sir,' cried I, interrupting, ' it 's not so hard after
all ; once on her back, I defy her to throw me.'
' Sure I know that well ; sorra better rider in the Meath
hunt than little Con,' broke in Andy, backing me with a
ready flattery he thought would deceive me.
It was not without reluctance that the youth consented
to this forlorn hope, but he yielded at last ; and so, with a
bridle fastened round me like a scarf, I was hoisted on the
roof by Andy, and under a volley of encouraging expres-
sions, exhorted to ' go in and win.'
' There, there, acushla ! ' cried Andy, as he saw me per-
forming the first act of the jriece with a vigour he had never
calculated on ; ' 'tisn't a coach and six you want to drive
through. Tare-an'-ages ! you '11 take the whole roof off.'
The truth was, I worked away with a malicious pleasure in
the destruction of the old miser's roof; nor is it quite
certain how far my zeal might have carried me, when
suddenly one of the rafters — mere light poles of ash — gave
way, and down I went, at first slowly, and then quicker,
into a kind of funnel formed by the smashed timbers and
the earthen sods. The crash, the din, and the dust
appeared to have terrified the wicked beast below, for she
stood trembling in one corner of the stable, and never
moved a limb as I walked boldly up and passed the bridle
over her head. This done, I had barely time to spring on
her back, when the door was forced open by the young
gentleman, whose fears for my fate had absorbed every
other thought.
28 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Are you safe, my boy, quite safe ? ' he cried, making
his way over the fallen rubbish.
' Oh ! the devil fear him,' cried Andy, in a perfect rage of
passion ; ' I wish it was his bones was smashed, instead of
the roof-sticks — see ! — Och, murther, only look at this.'
And Andy stood amid the ruins, a most comical picture of
affliction, in part real and in part assumed. Meanwhile
the youth had advanced to my side, and with many a kind
and encouraging word, more than repaid me for all my
danger.
''Tisn't five pounds will pay the damage,' cried Andy,
running up on his fingers a sum of imaginary arithmetic.
' Where 's the saddle, you old ' What the young man
was about to add, I know not ; but at a look from me he
stopped short.
'Is it abusin' me you're for now afther wrecking my
house and destroying my premises?' cried Andy, whose
temper was far from sweetened by the late catastrophe.
' Sure what marcy my poor beast would get from the likes
of you ! sorry step she '11 go in yer company ; pay the
damages you done, and be off.'
Here was a new turn of affairs, and judging from the
irascibility of both parties, a most disastrous one ; it
demanded, indeed, all my skill — all the practised dexterity
of a mind trained, as mine had been, by many a subtlety — to
effect a compromise, which I did thus : my patron being
cast in the costs of all the damages, to the amount of
twenty shillings, and the original contract to be maintained
in all its integrity.
The young man paid the money without speaking ; but
I had time to mark that the purse from which he drew it
was far from weighty. ' Are we free to go at last ? ' cried
he, in a voice of suppressed wrath.
'Yes, yer honour; all's right,' answered Andy, whose
heart was mollified at the sight of money. ' A pleasant
journey, and safe to ye. Take good care of the beast ; don't
ride her over the stones, and '
CON CREGAN 29
The remainder of the exhortation was lost to us, as we
set forth in a short jog-trot, I running alongside.
'When we are once below the hill, yonder,' said I to
my companion, 'give her the whip, and make up for
lost time.'
' And how are you to keep up, my lad ? ' asked he in
some surprise.
I could scarcely avoid a laugh at the simplicity of the
question, as if an Irish gossoon with his foot on his native
bog wouldn't be an overmatch in a day's journey for the
best hack that ever ambled. Away we went, sometimes
joking over, sometimes abusing the old miser Andy, of
whom, for my fellow-traveller's amusement, I told various
little traits and stories, at which he laughed with a zest
quite new to me to witness. My desire to be entertaining
then led me on to sj)eak of my father and his many curious
adventures — the skill with which he could foment litiga-
tion, and the wily stratagems by which he sustained it
afterwards. All the cunning devices of the process-server
I narrated with a gusto that smacked of my early train-
ing ; how, sometimes, my crafty parent would append a
summons to the collar of a dog, and lie in wait till he saw
the owner take it off and read it, and then emerging from
his concealment, cry out, ' Sarved,' and take to his heels ;
and again, how once he succeeded in 'serving' old Andy
himself, by appearing as a beggar-woman, and begging him
to light a bit of paper to kindle her pipe. The moment,
however, he took the bit of twisted paper, the assumed
beggar-woman screamed out, ' Andy, yer sarved ; that 's a
process, my man ! ' The shock almost took Andy's life ;
' and there 's not a beggar in the barony dares to come near
him since,' I added.
' Your father must be well off, then, I suppose,' said my
companion.
' He was, a few weeks ago, sir ; but misfortune has come
on us since that.' I was ashamed to go on, and yet I felt
that strange impulse so strong in the Irish peasant to
30 THE CONFESSIONS OF
narrate anything of a character which can interest by-
harrowing and exciting the feelings.
Very little pressing was needed to make me recount the
whole story, down to the departure of my father with the
other prisoners sentenced to transportation.
'And whither were you going when I met you this
morning on the common?' said my fellow-traveller, in a
voice of some interest.
' To seek my fortune, sir,' was my brief answer ; and
either the words, or the way they were uttered, seemed to
strike my companion, for he drew up short and stared at
me, repeating the phrase, ' Seek your fortune ! ' ' Just so,'
said I, warmed by an enthusiasm which then was beginning
to kindle within me, and which for many a long year since,
and in many a trying emergency, has cheered and sus-
tained me. ' Just so, the world is wide, and there 's a path
for every one, if they 'd only look for it.'
' But you saw what came of my taking a short cut this
morning,' said my companion, laughing.
' And you 'd have been time enough too, if you had been
always thinking of what you were about, sir ; but as you
told me, you began a-thinking and a-dreaming of twenty
things far away ; besides, who knows what good turn luck
may take, just at the very moment when we seem to have
least of it.'
'You're quite a philosopher, Con,' said he. smiling.
' So Father Mahon used to say, sir,' said I proudly, and
in reality highly flattered.
Thus chatting, we journeyed along, lightening the way
with talk, and making the hours seem to me the very
pleasantest I had ever passed. At last we came in sight
of the steeple of Kinnegad, which lay in the plain before
us, about a mile distant.
The little town of Kinnegad was all astir as we entered
it. The ' up mail ' had just broken down, in the main street,
sending all its passengers flying in various directions —
through shop-windows, into cow-houses and piggeries,
CON CREGAN 31
some being proudly perched on the roof of a cabin, and
others most ignobly seated on a dunghill — the most
lamentable figure of all being an elderly gentleman, who,
having cut a somersault through an apothecary's window,
came forth, cut by a hundred small phials, and bearing on
his person unmistakable evidence of every odour from tar-
water to asafetida. The conveyance itself lay, like the
Ark after the Deluge, quietly reposing on one side ; while
animals, male and female 'after their kind,' issued from
within. Limping and disconsolate figures were being
assisted into the inn ; and black eyes and smashed faces
were as rife as in a country fair.
I was not slow in appropriating the calamity to a good
purpose. ' See, sir,' I whispered to my companion, ' you
said, a while ago, that nobody had such bad luck as your-
self ; think what might have happened you now, if you
hadn't missed the coach.'
' True enough, Con,' said he ; ' there is such a thing as
being too late for bad as well as for good fortune ; and I
experience it now. But the next question is, how to get
forward ; for, of course, with a broken axle, the mail
cannot proceed farther.'
The difficulty was soon got over. The halt and the
maimed passengers, after loudly inveighing against all
coach-proprietors — the man that made, and the man that
horsed — he that drove, and he that greased the wheels of
all public conveyances, demanded, loudly, to be forwarded
to the end of their journey by various chaises, and other
vehicles of the town ; I at the same time making use of
my legal knowledge to suggest that while doing so, they
acted under protest; that it was 'without prejudice' to
any future proceedings they might deem fit to adopt for
compensatory damages. If some laughed heartily at the
source from which the hint came, others said I was a
' devilish shrewd chap,' and insinuated something about
a joint-stock subscription of sixpences for my benefit ; but
the motion was apparently unseconded, and so, like many
32 THE CONFESSIONS OF
benefactors of my species, I had to apply to my conscience
for my reward ; or, safer still, had to wait till I could pay
myself.
My young companion, who now, in a few words, told
me that he was a student at Trinity College, and a ' reader
for honours,' pulled out his purse to pay me. ' Remember,
my boy, the name of Henry Lyndsay ; I am easily found,
if you chance to come to Dublin; not that I can be of
much service to any one, but I shall not forget the service
you rendered me this day. Here, take this ; pay for the
mare's feeding, and when she has rested '
I would not suffer him to proceed further, but broke
in : ' I 'm not going back, sir ! I '11 never turn my footsteps
that way again ! Leave the mare in the inn ; Andy comes
every Saturday here for the market, and will find her safe.
As for me, I must " seek my fortune " ; and when one has to
search for anything, there 's nothing like beginning early.'
' You 're a strange fellow, Con,' said he, looking at me ;
and I was shrewd enough to see that his features exhibited
no small astonishment at my words. ' And where do you
intend to look for this same fortune you speak of ? '
' No one place in particular, sir. I read in an old book
once, that good-luck is like sunshine, and is not found in
all climates at the same time ; so I intend to ramble about ;
and when I breakfast on the sunny side of the apple, I
never stay to dine off the green one.'
'And you are the kind of fellow to succeed!' said he,
half to himself, and rather as though reflecting on my
words than addressing me.
' So I intend, sir ! ' replied I confidently.
' Have you ever read Gil Bias, Con ? '
' I have it almost by heart, sir.'
' That 's it ! ' said he, laughing ; ' I see whence you 've
got your taste for adventure. But remember, Con, Gil
Bias lived in different times from ours, and in a very
different land. He was, besides, a well-educated fellow,
with no small share of srood looks and good manners.'
CON CREGAN
33
' As for age and country, sir,' said I boldly, ' men and
women are pretty much alike at all times, and in all
places. In the old book I told you of a while ago, I read
that human passions, like the features of the face, are
only varieties of the same few ingredients. Then, as to
education and the rest — what one man can pick up, so
can another. The will is the great thing, and I feel it
very strong in me. And now, to give a proof of it, I am
determined to go up to Dublin, and with your honour, too ;
and you '11 see if I won't have my way.'
' So you shall, Con ! ' replied he, laughing. ' I '11 take
you on the top of the chaise ; and although I cannot afford
to keep a servant, you shall stay with me in College, until
chance, in which you have such implicit faith, shall provide
better for you. Come now, lead the mare into the stable,
for I see my companions are packing up.'
I was not slow in obeying the orders, and soon returned
to assist my new master with his luggage. All was quickly
settled ; and a few minutes after saw me seated on a
portmanteau on the roof on my way to Dublin.
13
HOW I ENTERED COLLEGE, AND HOW I LEFT IT
T was still dark, on a drizz-
ling morning in January, as
we reached Dublin ; the
lamps shone faintly through
the foggy, wet atmosphere ;
and the gloom was deepened
as we entered the narrow
streets at the west of the
city. A few glimmering
lights from five storeys high
showed where some early
riser was awaking to his
daily toil ; while here and
there some rough-coated
policeman stood at the cor-
ner of a street to be rained
on. No other sign of living thing appeared ; and I own
the whole aspect was a sad damper to the ardour of that
enthusiasm which had often pictured the great metro-
polis as some gorgeous fairyland.
The carriage stopped twice, to set down two of the
travellers, in obscure dingy streets, and then I heard
Mr. Lyndsay say, ' To the College ' ; and on we went
through a long labyrinth of narrow lanes and thorough-
fares, which gradually widened out into more spacious
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 35
streets, and at length arrived at a great building, whose
massive gates slowly opened to receive, and then solemnly
closed after us. We now stood in a spacious quadrangle,
noiseless as a church at midnight.
Mr. Lyndsay hastily descended, and ordering me to
carry in some of the baggage, I followed him into a large
scantily furnished room, beyond which was a bedchamber.
' This is my home, Con,' said he, with a melancholy
attempt at a smile ; ' and here,' said he, leading me to a
small one-windowed room on the opposite side, ' here is
yours.' A bed, of that humble kind called a stretcher,
placed against one wall, and a large chest for holding
coals against the other, a bottomless chair, and a shoe-
brush with very scanty bristles, constituted the entire
furniture.
It was some time after all the luggage was removed
before Mr. Lyndsay could get rid of the postillion. Like all
poor men in a like predicament, he had to bargain, and
reason, and remonstrate, submitting to many a mortifi-
cation, and enduring many a sore pang, at the pitiless
ribaldry which knows nothing so contemptible as poverty.
At last — after various reflections on the presumption of
people who travel and cannot afford it — on their vanity,
self-conceit, and so forth — the fellow departed, with what
my ears assured me was no contemptible share of my poor
master's purse.
I was sitting alone in my den during this scene, not
wishing by my presence to add anything to his mortifica-
tion ; and now all was perfectly still. I waited for some
time expecting to be called — to be told of some trifling
service to execute, or, at least, to be spoken to ; but no, not
a sound, not a murmur was to be heard.
My own thoughts were none of the brightest ; the
ceaseless rain that streamed against the little window, and
shut out all prospect of what was without ; the cold and
cheerless chamber, and the deathlike silence, were like lead
upon my heart.
36 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I had often, in my reveries at home, fancied that all
who were lifted above the cottier in life must have neither
care nor sorrow; that real want was unknown, save in
their class ; and that all afflictions of those more highly-
placed were of a character too trifling to be deemed
serious. And now, suddenly, there came to me the
thought, What if every one had his share of grief? I
vow, the very suspicion thrilled through me.
As I sat thus, dwelling on the sad theme, a sigh, low
but distinct, came from the adjoining chamber. I suddenly
remembered my young master, and crept noiselessly to the
door ; it stood ajar, and I could see in, and mark every-
thing well. He was sitting at a table covered with books
and writing-materials; a single candle threw its yellow
glare over the whole, and lit up with a sickly tint the
travel-worn and tired features of the youth.
As I looked, he leaned his forehead down upon his arm,
and seemed overcome either by sorrow or fatigue ; when,
suddenly, a deep-booming bell sent forth a solemn peal,
and made the very chamber vibrate with its din. Lyndsay
started at the sound ; a kind of shudder, like a convulsive
throe, shook his limbs ; and sitting up on his seat, he
pushed back the falling hair from his eyes, and again
addressed himself to his book. The heavy tolling sounds
seemed now no longer to distract, but rather to nerve him
to greater efforts, for he read on with an intense persist-
ence, turning from volume to volume, and repeatedly
noting down on the paper as he read.
Of a sudden the bell ceased, and Lyndsay arose from
the table and passed into the bedroom ; from which he
almost instantaneously reappeared, dressed in his cap
and gown — a new and curious costume in my eyes, but
which at the time was invested with a deep, mysterious
interest to me.
I retired silently now to my room, and saw him pass
out into the wide court. I hastened to look out. Already
some hundred others in similar costume were assembled
CON CREGAN 37
there, and the buzz of voices, and the sound of many feet,
were a pleasant relief to the desertlike silence of the
court as I had seen it before. The change was, however,
of a very brief duration ; in less than a minute the whole
assemblage moved off, and entered a great building, whose
heavy door closed on them with a deep bang, and all was
still once more.
I now set myself to think by what small services I
could render myself acceptable to my young master. I
arranged the scanty furniture into a resemblance — faint
enough, certainly — to comfort, and made a cheerful fire
with the remnant of the roomy coal-box. This done, I
proceeded to put his clothes in order, and actually
astonished myself with the skill I seemed to possess in my
new walk. An intense curiosity to know what was going
on without led me frequently to the door which led into
the court; but I profited little by this step. The only
figures which met my eye were now and then some
elderly personage clad in his academic robes, gravely
wending towards the ' Hall,' and the far less imposing-
cries of some ' college women,' as the hags are called, who
officiate as the University housemaids.
It was at one of these visits that suddenly I heard the
great door of the ' Hall ' burst open with a crash, and
immediately down the steps poured the black tide of
figures, talking and laughing in one multifarious din,
that seemed to fill the very air. Cautiously withdrawing,
I closed the door, and retired ; but scarcely had I reached
my room, when young Lyndsay passed through to his own
chamber: his cheek was flushed, and his eyes sparkled
with animation, and his whole air and gesture indicated
great excitement.
Having removed his cravat, and bathed his temples
with cold water, he once more sat down before his books,
and was soon so immersed in study as not to hear my
footsteps as I entered.
I stood, uncertain, and did not dare to interrupt him for
38 THE CONFESSIONS OF
some minutes ; the very intensity of his application awed
me. Indeed, I believe I should have retired without a
word, had he not accidentally looked up and beheld me.
' Eh ! — what — how is this ? ' cried he, endeavouring to recall
his mind from the themes before him; 'I had forgotten
you, my poor boy, and you have had no breakfast.'
'And you, sir?' said I, in reality more interested for
him than myself.
' Take this, Con,' said he, not heeding my remark, and
giving me a piece of silver from his purse ; ' get yourself
something to eat. To-morrow, or next day, we shall
arrange these things better ; for at this moment my head
has its load of other cares.'
'But will you not eat something?' said I; ' you have
not tasted food since we met.'
'We are expected to breakfast with our tutor on the
examination mornings, Con,' said he ; and then, not
seeming to feel the inconsistency of his acts with his
words, he again bent his head over the table, and lost all
remembrance of either me or our conversation. I stole
quietly away, and sallied forth to seek my breakfast
where I could.
There were few loiterers in the court ; a stray student
hurrying past, or an old slipshod hag of hideous aspect,
were all I beheld; but both classes bestowed most un-
equivocal signs of surprise at my country air and appear-
ance, and to my question, where I could buy some bread
and milk, answers the most cynical or evasive were
returned. "While I was yet endeavouring to obtain from
one of the ancient handmaidens some information on the
point, two young men, with velvet caps and velvet capes
on their gowns, stopped to listen.
' I say, friend,' cried one, seemingly the younger of the
two, ' when did you enter ? '
' This morning,' said I, taking the question literally.
'Do you hear that, Ward?' continued he to his
companion. ' What place did you take ? '
CON CREGAN 39
' I was on the roof,' replied I, supposing the inquiry-
bore allusion to the mode of my coming.
' Quite classical,' said the elder, a tall, good-looking
youth ; ' you came as did Csesar into Gaul, summa diligentid,
on the top of the diligence.'
They both laughed heartily at a very threadbare
college joke, and were about to move away, when the
younger, turning round, said, ' Have you matriculated ? '
1 No, sir— what 's that ? '
' It 's a little ceremony,' interposed the elder, ' necessary,
and indeed indispensable, to every one coming to reside
within these walls. You've heard of Napoleon, I dare-
say
?
' Boney, is it ? ' asked I, giving the more familiar title by
which he was better known to my circle of acquaintance.
'Exactly,' said he, 'Boney. Now Boney used to call a
first battle the baptism of Glory; so may we style, in a
like way, Matriculation to be the baptism of Knowledge.
You understand me, eh ? '
' Not all out,' said I, ' but partly.'
' We '11 illustrate by a diagram, then.'
'I say, Bob,' whispered the younger, 'let us find out
with whom he is ' ; then turning to me, said, ' Where do
you live here ? '
' Yonder,' said I, ' where that lamp is.'
' Mr. Lyndsay's chambers ? '
' Yes, sir.'
'All right,' cried the younger; 'we'll show you the
secret of matriculation.'
'Come along, my young friend,' said the elder, in the
same pompous tone he had used at first, ' let us teach you
to drink of that Pierian spring which Labitur et labetur
in ounne volubilis mvum?
I believe it was the fluent use of the unknown tongue
which at once allayed any mistrust I might have felt of
my new acquaintances ; however that may be, there was
something so imposing in the high-sounding syllables that
40 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I yielded at once, and followed them into another and
more remote quadrangle.
Here they stopped under a window, while one gave a
loud whistle with his fingers to his lips; the sash was
immediately thrown up, and a handsome, merry-looking
face protruded. 'Eh! — what! — Taylor and Ward!' cried
he ; ' what 's going on ? '
' Come down, Burton ; here 's a youth for matriculation,'
cried the younger.
' All right,' cried the other. ' There are eight of us here
at breakfast'; and disappearing from the window, he
speedily descended to the court, followed by a number of
others, who gravely saluted me with a deep bow, and
solemnly welcomed me within the classic precincts of old
Trinity.
-- Domine — what 's his name ? ' said the young gentleman
called Burton.
'Cregan, sir,' replied I, already flattered by the atten-
tions I was receiving, ' Con Cregan, sir.'
' Well, Domine Cregan, come along with us, and never
put faith in a junior sophister. You know what a junior
sophister is, I trust ? '
■ No, sir.'
'Tell him, Ward.'
' A junior sophister,' Mr. Cregan, ' is one who, being in
" Locke " all day, is very often locked out all night, and
who observes the two rubrics of the statute de vigilantibus
et lucentibus, by extinguishing both lamps and watchmen.'
' Confound your pedantry,' broke in Burton : ' a junior
soph, is a man in his ninth examination.'
' The terror of the porters,' cried one.
' The Dean's milch cow,' added another.
' A credit to his parents, but a debtor to his tailor,'
broke in a third.
' Seldom at Greek lecture, but no fellow-commoner at
the Curragh,' lisped out Taylor ; and by this time we had
reached a narrow lane, flanked on one side by a tall
40
'■ ! CO,
■
«Iow, while
ith his fingers t<
•, inerry
ed. 'Eh!- Ward!' cried
' C
i
1 riculation,'
3 here
low, he
er of
tleman
•red by the atten-
ir.'
:>.g with us, and never
u know what a junior
broi
'Seldon
the Curragh
hed a nam
ailor,'
ter at
we had
ride by a
■ #:
o
CON CREGAN 41
building of gloomy exterior, and on the other by an angle
of the square.
' Here we are, Mr. Cregan ; as the poet says, " this is the
place, the centre of the wood." '
' Gentlemen sponsors, to your functions ! ' Scarce were
the words out, when I was seized by above half-a-dozen
pair of strong hands ; my legs were suddenly jerked
upwards, and, notwithstanding my attempts to resist, I
was borne along for some yards at a brisk pace. I was
already about to forbear my struggles, and suffer them to
play their — as I deemed it — harmless joke in quiet, when
straight in front of me I saw an enormous pump, at
which, and by a double handle, Burton and another were
working away like sailors on a wreck, throwing forth,
above a yard off, a jet of water almost enough to turn a
miU.
The whole plot now revealed itself to me at once, and I
commenced a series of kickings and plungings that almost
left me free. My enemies, however, were too many and
too powerful ; on they bore me, and in a perfect storm of
blows, lunges, writhings, and boundings, they held me fast
under the stream, which played away in a frothy current
over my head, face, chest, and legs — for, with a most
laudable impartiality, they moved me from side to side,
till not a dry spot remained on my whole body.
I shouted, I yelled, I swore, and screamed for aid, but
all in vain ; and my diabolical tormentors seemed to feel
no touch of weariness in their inhuman pastime ; while I,
exhausted by my struggles, and the continual rush of the
falling water, almost ceased to resist ; when suddenly a cry
of ' The Dean ! the Dean ! ' was heard. My bearers let go
their hold — down I tumbled upon the flags, with barely
consciousness enough to see the scampering crew flying in
all directions, while a host of porters followed them in hot
pursuit.
' Who are you, sir ? What brought you here ? ' said a
tall old gentleman I at once surmised to be the Dean.
42 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' The devil himself, I believe ! ' replied I, rising with
difficulty under the weight of my soaked garments.
1 Turn him outside the gates, Hawkins ! ' said the Dean
to a porter behind him. ' Take care, too, he never re-enters
them.'
' I '11 take good care of it, sir,' said the fellow, as with
one strong hand on my collar, and the closed fingers of
the other administering gentle admonitions to the back of
my head, he proceeded to march me before him through
the square; revolving as I went thoughts, which, certes,
evinced not one sentiment of gratitude to the learned
university.
My college career was, therefore, more brief than
brilliant, for I was ' expelled ' on the very same day that
I ' entered.'
With the ' world before me where to choose,' I stepped
out into the classic precincts of College Green, fully
assured of one fact, that ' Town ' could scarcely treat me
more harshly than ' Grown.' I felt, too, that I had passed
through a kind of ordeal ; that my ducking, like the
ceremonies on crossing the line, was a kind of masonic
ordinance, indispensable to my opening career; and that
thus I had got successfully through one at least of my
' trials.'
A species of filial instinct suggested to me the propriety
of seeing Newgate, where my father lay, awaiting the
arrival of the convict ship that was to convey him to Van
Diemen's Land ; and thither I accordingly repaired, not to
enter, but simply to gaze, with a very awestruck imagina-
tion, upon that double-barred cage of human ferocity and
crime.
In itself the circumstance has nothing worthy of record,
nor should I mention it, save that to the deep impression
of that morning do I owe a certain shrinking horror of all
great crime ; that impression has been of incalculable
benefit to me through life.
I strained my eyes to mark if, amid the faces closely
CON CREGAN
43
pressed against the strong bars, I could recognise that of
my parent, but in vain ; there was a terrible sameness in
their features, as if the individual had sunk in the criminal,
that left all discrimination difficult ; and so I turned away,
satisfied that I had done a son's part most completely.
A PEEP AT 'HIGH AND LOW COMPANY
I have often heard it observed, that one has as little to do
with the choice of his mode of life as with the name he
receives at baptism. I rather incline to the opinion that
this is true. My own very varied and somewhat dissimilar
occupations were certainly far less the result of any pre-
conceived plan or scheme than the mere ' turn-up ' of the
rolling die of Fortune.
It was while revolving a species of fatalism in this wise,
and calmly assuring myself that I was not born to be
44 THE CONFESSIONS OF
starved, that I strolled along Merrion Square on the same
afternoon of my expulsion from Trinity and visit to
Newgate.
There were brilliant equipages, cavaliers, and ladies
on horseback ; handsome houses, with balconies often
thronged by attractive-looking occupants ; and vast crowds
of gaily dressed persons promenaded within the square
itself, where a military band performed ; in fact, there was
more than enough to interest and amuse one of higher
pretensions in the scale of pleasure than myself.
While I was thus gazing on this brilliant panorama of
the outdoor life of a great city, and wondering and guess-
ing what precise object thus brought people together — for
no feature of a market, or a fair, or any festive occupation
solved the difficulty — I was struck by a class of characters
who seemed to play the subordinate parts of the drama — a
set of ragged, ill-fed, half-starved boys, who followed in
crowds each new arrival on horseback, and eagerly sought
permission to hold his horse when he dismounted; the
contrast of these mangy-looking attendants to the glossy-
coated and handsomely caparisoned steeds they led about
being too remarkable to escape notice. Although a very
fierce rivalry prevailed amongst them, they seemed a
species of organised guild, who constituted a distinct walk
in life, and indignantly resented the attempt of some two or
three 'voluntaries' who showed a wish to join the fraternity.
I sat against the rails of the square, studying with some
curiosity little details of their etiquette, and their strange
conventionalities. A regular corps of them stood in front
of me, canvassing with all the eager volubility of their
craft for the possession of a handsome thoroughbred pony,
from which a young officer, in a cavalry undress, was
about to dismount.
' I 'm your own boy, captain ! I 'm Tim, sir ! ' cried one,
with a leer of most familiar intimacy.
''Tis me towld you about Miss 0' Grady, sir,' shouted
another, preferring another and stronger claim.
CON CREGAN 45
' I 'm the boy caught your mare the day you was thrown,
captain ! ' insinuated a third, exhibiting a want of tact in
the reminiscence that drew down many a scoff upon him
from his fellows ; for these ragged and starving curs had a
most lively sense of the use of flattery.
' Off with you !— stand off ! ' said the young dragoon,
in a threatening tone, ' let that fellow take my mare ' ; and
he pointed to me, as I sat a patient but unconcerned
spectator of the scene. Had a medical consultation been
suddenly set aside on the eve of a great surgical operation,
and the 'knife' committed to the unpractised hand of a
new bystander, the breach of etiquette and the surprise
could scarce have been greater. The gang stared at me
with most undisguised contempt, and a perfect volley of
abuse and irony followed me as I hastened to obey the
summons.
It has been very often my fortune in life to take a
position for which I neither had submitted to the usual
probationary study, nor possessed the necessary acquire-
ment ; but I believe this my first step in the very humble
walk of a ' horse-boy ' gave me more pain than ever did
any subsequent one. The criticisms on my dress, my walk,
my country look, my very shoes — my critics wore none—
were all poignant and bitter ; and I verily believe, such is
the force of ridicule, I should have preferred the rags and
squalor of the initiated, at that moment, to the warm
grey frieze and blue worsted stockings of my country
costume.
I listened attentively to the young officer's directions how
I was to walk his mare, and where ; and then assuming
a degree of indifference to sarcasm I was far from feel-
ing, moved away from the spot in sombre dignity. The
captain — the title is generic — was absent about an hour;
and when he returned seemed so well pleased with my
strict obedience to his orders, that he gave me a shilling,
and desired me to be punctually at the same hour and the
same place on the day following.
46 THE CONFESSIONS OF
It was now dark ; the lamplighter had begun his rounds,
and I was just congratulating myself that I should escape
my persecutors, when I saw them approaching in a body.
In an instant I was surrounded, and assailed with a torrent
of questions, as to who I was — where I came from — what
brought me there — and lastly, and with more eagerness
than all besides — what did ' the captain ' give me ? As I
answered this query first, the others were not pressed ;
and it being voted that I should expend the money on the
fraternity, by way of entrance-fee, or, as they termed it,
' paying my footing,' away we set in a body to a distant
part of the town, remote from all its better and more
spacious thoroughfares, and among a chaos of lanes and
alleys, called the 'Liberties.' If the title were conferred
for the excessive and unlimited freedoms permitted to the
inhabitants, it was no misnomer. On my very entrance
into it I perceived the perfect free-and-easy tone which
prevailed.
A dense tide of population thronged the close, confined
passages — mostly hodmen, bricklayers' labourers, and
scavengers, with old clothesmen, beggars, and others
whose rollicking air and daring look bespoke more
hazardous modes of life.
My companions wended their way through the dense
throng like practised travellers, often cutting off an angle
by a dive through the two doors of a whisky-shop, and
occasionally making a great short -cut by penetrating
through a house and the court behind it — little exploits
in geography expiated by a volley of curses from the occu-
pants, and sometimes an admonitory brickbat in addition.
The uniform good temper they exhibited ; the easy
freedom with which they submitted to the rather rough
jocularities of the passers-by — the usual salute being a
smart slap on the crown of the head, administered by the
handicraft tool of the individual, and this sometimes being
an iron trowel, or a slater's hammer — could not but exalt
them in my esteem as the most patient set of varlets I had
CON CREGAN 47
ever sojourned with. To my question as to why we were
going so far, and whither our journey tended, I got for
answer the one short reply — 'We must go to " ould
Betty's." '
Now as I would willingly spare as much of this period's
recital to my reader as I can, I will content myself with
stating that ' ould Betty,' or Betty Cobbe, was an old lady
who kept a species of ordinary for the unclaimed youth of
Dublin. They were fed and educated at her seminary —
the washing cost little, and they were certainly ' done ' for
at the very smallest cost, and in the most remarkably brief
space of time. If ever these faint memorials of a life
should be read in a certain far-off land, more than one
settler in the distant bush, more than one angler in the
dull stream of Swan River, will confess how many of his
first sharp notions of life and manners were imbibed from
the training nurture of Mrs. Elizabeth Cobbe.
Betty's proceedings, for some years before I had the
honour and felicity of her acquaintance, had attracted
towards her the attention of the authorities.
The Colonial Secretary had possibly grown jealous ; for
she had been pushing emigration to Norfolk Island on a
far wider scale than ever a Cabinet dreamed of ; and thus
had she acquired what, in the polite language of our
neighbours, is phrased the ' Surveillance of the Police ' — a
watchful superintendence and anxious protectorate, for
which, I grieve to say, she evinced the very reverse of
gratitude. Betty had, in consequence, and in requirement
with the spirit of the times — the most capricious spirit
that ever vexed plain old-fashioned mortals — reformed her
establishment ; and from having opened her doors, as
before, to what, in the language of East Indian advertise-
ments, are called 'a few spirited young men,' she had
fallen down to that small fry who, in various disguises of
vagrancy and vagabondage, invest the highways of a
capital.
By these disciples she was revered and venerated ; their
48 THE CONFESSIONS OF
devotion was the compensation for the world's neglect,
and so she felt it. To train them up with a due regard to
the faults and follies of their better-endowed neighbours
was her aim and object, and to such teaching her know-
ledge of Dublin life and people largely contributed.
Her original walk had been minstrelsy; she was the
famous ballad-singer of Drogheda Street, in the year
of the rebellion of '98. She had been half-a-dozen
times imprisoned — some said that she had even visited
1 Beresford's riding-school,' where the knout was in daily
practice, but this is not so clear — certain it is, both her
songs and sympathy had always been on the patriotic
side. She was the terror of Protestant ascendency for
many a year long.
Like Homer, she sang her own verses ; or, if they were
made for her, the secret of the authorship was never
divulged. For several years previous to the time I now
speak of, she had abandoned the Muses — save on some
special and striking occasions, when she would come
before the world with some lyric, which, however, did
little more than bear the name of its once famed composer.
So much for the past. Now to the present history of
Betty Cobbe.
In a large unceilinged room, with a great fire blazing
on the hearth, over which a huge pot of potatoes was
boiling, sat Betty in a straw chair. She was evidently
very old, as her snow-white hair and lustreless eye bespoke ;
but the fire of a truculent, unyielding spirit still warmed
her blood, and the sharp ringing voice told that she was
decided to wrestle for existence to the last, and would
never ' give in ' until fairly conquered.
Betty's chair was the only one in the chamber ; the rest
of the company disposed themselves classically in the re-
cumbent posture, or sat, like primitive Christians, cross-
legged. A long deal table, sparingly provided with wooden
plates and a few spoons, occupied the middle of the room,
and round the walls were several small bundles of straw,
CON CREGAN 49
which I soon learned were the property of private
individuals.
' Come along, till I show you to ould Betty,' said one of
the varlets to me, as he pushed his way through the
crowded room ; for already several other gangs had
arrived, and were exchanging recognitions.
'She's in a sweet temper, this evening,' whispered
another, as we passed. ' The polis was here a while ago,
and took up " Denny White," and threatened to break up
the whole establishment.'
' The devil a thing at all they '11 lave us of our institu-
shuns,' said a bow-legged little blackguard, with the
Evening Freeman written round his hat — for he was an
attache of that journal.
' Ould Betty was crying all the evening,' said the former
speaker. By this time we had gained the side of the fire-
place where the old lady sat.
' Mother ! mother, I say ! ' cried my guide, touching her
elbow gently ; then stooping to her ear, he added, ' Mother
Betty!'
' Eh ! Who 's callin' me ? ' said the hag, with her hand
aloft. ' I 'm here, my lord, neither ashamed nor af eard to
say my name.'
' She 's wanderin,' cried another ; ' she thinks she 's in
coort.'
1 Betty Cobbe ! I say. It 's me ! ' said my introducer,
once more.
The old woman turned fiercely round, and her dimmed
and glassy eyes, bloodshot from excess and passion, seemed
to flare up into an angry gleam, as she said, ' You dirty
thief ! is it you that 's turnin' informer agin me — you that
I took up out of yer mother's arms, in Green Street,
when she fainted at the cutting down of yer father?
Your father,' added she, ' that murdered old Meredith ! '
The boy, a hardened and bold-featured fellow, became
lividly pale, but never spoke.
' Yes, my lord,' continued she, still following the theme
13 D
50 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of her own wild fancies; 'it's James Butterley's boy!
Butterley that was hanged!' and she shook and rocked
with a fiendish exultation at the exposure.
' Many of us doesn't know what bekem of our fathers ! '
said a sly-looking, old-fashioned creature, whose height
scarcely exceeded two feet, although evidently near man-
hood in point of age.
• Who was yours, Mickey ? ' cried one imp.
' And yours ? ' said another, dragging me forward
directly in front of Betty.
' Con Cregan, of Kilbeggan,' said I boldly.
' Success to you, ma bouchal ! ' said the old hag ; ' and so
you 're a son of Con, the informer ? ' She looked sternly at
me for a few seconds, and then in a slower and more
deliberate tone added, ' I 'm forty years, last Lady Day,
living this way, and keepin' company with all sorts of
thieves, and rogues, and blaguards, and worse — ay, far
worse besides ; but may I never see Glory if an informer,
or his brat, was under the roof afore ! '
The steadfast decision of look and voice as she spoke
seemed to impress the bystanders, who fell back and gazed
at me with that kind of shrinking terror which honest
people sometimes exhibit at the contact of a criminal.
During the pause of some seconds, while this endured,
my sense of abject debasement was at the very lowest.
To be the Pariah of such a society was indeed a most
distinctive infamy.
'Are you ashamed of yer father? tell me that!' cried
the hag, shaking me roughly by one shoulder.
'It is not here, and before the like of these,' said I,
looking round at the ragged, unwashed assemblage, ' that
I should feel shame ! or if I did, it is to find myself among
them ! '
' That 's my boy ! that 's my own spirited boy ! ' cried the
old woman, dragging me towards her. 'Faix, I seen the
time we'd have made somethin' out of you. Howld yer
tongues, ye vagabonds; the child 's right — ye 're a dirty mean
CON CREGAN 51
crew! Them!' said she, pointing to me; 'them was the
kind of chaps I used to have long ago, that wasn't afeared
of all the Beresfords, and Major Sirr, and the rest of them.
Singing every night on Carlisle Bridge, "The wearin' of
the Green," or "Tra-lal-la, the French is coming"; and
when they wor big and grown men, ready and willing to
turn out for ould Ireland. Can you read, avick ? '
' Yes, and write,' answered I proudly.
' To be sure you can,' muttered she, half to herself ; ' is it
an informer's child — not know the first rules of his trade ! '
' Tare-an'-ages, mother!' cried out the decrepit imp
called Mickey ; ' we 're starvin' for the meat ! '
' Sarve it up ! ' shouted the hag, with a voice of command ;
and she gave three knocks with her crutch on the corner
of the table.
Never was command more promptly obeyed. A savoury
mess of that smoking compound, called 'Irish stew,' was
ladled out on the trenchers, and speedily disposed around
the table, which at once was surrounded by the guests — a
place being made for myself by an admonitory stroke of
Betty's crutch on the red head of a very hungry juvenile,
who had jostled me in his anxiety to get near the table.
Our meal had scarcely drawn to its close, when the
plates were removed, and preparations made for a new
party ; nor had I time to ask the reason, when a noisy buzz
of voices without announced the coming of a numerous
throng. In an instant they entered ; a number of girls, of
every age, from mere child to womanhood — a ragged,
tattered, reckless-looking set of creatures, whose wild high
spirits not even direct poverty could subdue. While some
exchanged greetings with their friends of the other sex,
others advanced to talk to Betty, or stood to warm them-
selves around the fire, until their supper, a similar one to
our own, was got ready. My curiosity as to whence they
came in such a body was satisfied by learning that they
were employed at the 'Mendicity Institution' during the
day, and set free at nightfall to follow the bent of their
52 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
own, not over well-regulated, tastes. These creatures
were the ballad-singers of the city ; and sometimes alone,
sometimes in company with one of the boys, they were
wont to take their stand in some public throughfare, not
only the character of the singer, but the poetry itself
taking the tone of the street ; so that while some daring
bit of town scandal caught the ears of College Green, a
' bloody murder,' or a ' dying speech,' formed the attraction
of Thomas Street and the ' Poddle.'
Many years afterwards, in the chequered page of my
existence, when I have sat at lordly tables and listened to
the sharpened wit and polished raillery of the high-born
and the gifted, my mind has often reverted to that beggar-
horde, and thought how readily the cutting jest was
answered, how soon repartee followed attack — what
quaint fancies, what droll conceits passed through those
brains, where one would have deemed there was no room
for ought save brooding guilt and sad repining !
As night closed in, the assembly broke up ; some issued
forth to their stations as ballad-singers; some in pure
vagabond spirit to stroll about the streets ; while others,
of whom I was one, lay down upon the straw to sleep,
without a dream, till daylight.
' VIEWS OF LIFE '
'HEN I woke the next morning, it
was a few minutes before I could
thoroughly remember where I was,
and how I came there ; my next
thought was the grateful one that
if the calling "was not a very ex-
alted one, I had at least secured
a mode of living, and that my
natural acuteness, and better still,
my fixed resolve within me ' to get
forward in the world,' would not permit me to pass my
days in the ignoble craft of a horse-boy.
I found that the 'walk,' like every other career, had
certain guiding rules and principles by which it was
regulated. Not only were certain parts of the town
54 THE CONFESSIONS OF
interdicted to certain gangs, but it was a recognised rule
that when a particular boy was singled out, habitually,
by any gentleman, that no other should endeavour to
supplant him. This was the less difficult, as a perfect
community of property was the rule of the order ; and all
moneys were each night committed to the charge of old
Betty, with a scrupulous fidelity that would have shamed
many a joint-stock company.
The regular etiquette required that each youth should
begin his career on the north side of the city, where the
class of horsemen was of a less distinguished order, and
the fees proportionably lower. Thence he was promoted
to the Four Courts ; from which, as the highest stage, he
arrived at Merrion Square and its neighbourhood. Here
the visitors were either the young officers of the garrison,
the Castle officials, or a wealthy class of country gentlemen,
all of whom gave sixpences ; while, in the cold quarter of
northern Dublin, pennypieces were the only currency. If
the public differed in these three places, so did the claims
of the aspirant — a grave, quiet, almost sombre look being
the grand qualification in the one ; while an air of daring
effrontery was the best recommendation in the other.
For while the master in chancery or the ' six clerk ' would
only commit his bob-tailed pony to a discreet-faced varlet
of grave exterior, the dashing aide-de-camp on his
thoroughbred singled out the wild imp with roguish eye
and flowing hair, that kept up with him from the barrack
in a sharp canter, and actually dived under a carriage-pole,
and upset an apple-stall, to be ' up ' in time to wait on him,
and while yet breathless and blown, was ready with
voluble tongue to give him the current news of the
neighbourhood — who was in the square, or out dining;
who had arrived, or why they were absent. To do this
task with dexterity and tact was the crowning feature of
the craft, and in such hasty journalism some attained a
high proficiency — seasoning their scandal with sly bits of
drollery, or quaint allusions to the current topics of the
CON CREGAN 55
day. To succeed in this, it was necessary to know the
leading characters of the town, and the circumstances of
their private history ; and these I set myself to learn with
the assiduity of a study. Never did a Bath Master of the
Ceremonies devote himself more ardently to the investiga-
tion of the faults and foibles of his company — never did
young lady, before coming out, more patiently pore over
Debrett, than did I pursue my researches into Dublin life
and manners ; until at last, what between oral evidence
and shrewd observation, I had a key to the secret mysteries
of nearly every well-known house in the city.
None like me to explain why the father of the dashing
family in Stephen's Green only appeared of a Sunday ;
how the blinds of No. 18 were always drawn down at three
o'clock ; and what meant the hackney-coach at the canal
bridge every Thursday afternoon. From the gentleman
that always wore a geranium leaf in his coat, to the lady
who dropped her glove in the square, I knew them all.
Nor was it merely that I possessed the knowledge, but I
made it to be felt. I did not hoard my wealth like a miser,
but I came forth like a great capitalist to stimulate enter-
prise and encourage credit. Had I been a malicious spirit,
there is no saying what amount of mischief I might have
worked — what discoveries anticipated — what awkward
meetings effected. I was, however, what the French call
a bon diable, and most generously took the side of the
poor sinner against the strong spirit of right. How many
a poor subaltern had been put in arrest for wearing
' mufti,' had I not been there to apprise him the town-
major White was coming. How often have I saved a poor
college-man from a heavy fine, who, with his name on the
sick-list, was flirting in the square. How have I hastened,
at the risk of my neck, between crashing carriages and
prancing horses, to announce to a fair lady lounging in her
britzska that the counsellor, her husband, was unex-
pectedly returning from court an hour earlier than his
wont. I have rescued sons from fathers, daughters from
56 THE CONFESSIONS OF
mothers ; the pupil from his guardian, the debtor from
his creditor — in a word, I was a kind of ragged guardian
angel, who watched over the peccadillos of the capital.
My amour propre — if such an expression of such a quality
may be conceded to one like me — was interested in the
cause of all who did wrong. I was the Quixote of all
deceivers.
With ' Con on the lookout,' none feared surprise ; and
while my shrewdness was known to be first-rate, my
honesty was alike unimpeachable. It may readily be
believed how, with acquirements and talents like these, I
no longer pursued the humble walk of horse - holder ;
indeed, I rarely touched a bridle, or if I did so, it was
only to account for my presence in such localities as I
might need an excuse to loiter in. I was at the head
of my profession ; and the ordinary salutation of the
cavaliers, ' Con, get me a fellow to hold this mare,' showed
that none presumed to expect the ignoble service at my
own hands.
To some two or three of my early patrons, men who
had noticed me in my obscurity, I would still condescend
to yield this attention — a degree of grateful acknowledg-
ment on my part which they always rewarded most
handsomely. Among these was the young officer whose
pony I had held on the first night of my arrival. He was
an Honourable Captain De Courcy, very well-looking,
well-mannered, and very poor — member of the Com-
mander-in-Chief's Staff, who eked out his life by the aid
of his noble birth and his wits together.
At the time I speak of, his visits to Merrion Square
were devoted to the cause of a certain Mrs. Mansergh, the
young and beautiful wife of an old, red-faced, foul-
mouthed Queen's Counsel, at least forty years her senior.
The scandal was, that her origin had been of the very
humblest, and that, seen by accident on circuit, she had
caught the fancy of the old lawyer, a well-known con-
noisseur in female beauty. However that might be, she
CON CREGAN 57
was now about two years married, and already recognised
as the reigning beauty of the viceregal court and the
capital.
The circumstances of her history, her low origin, her
beauty, and the bold game she played — all invested her
with a great interest in my eyes. I used to flatter myself
that there was a kind of similarity in at least our early
fortunes ; and I enlisted myself in her cause with an
ardour that I could not explain to myself. How often, as
she passed in her splendid barouche — the best-appointed
and handsomest equipage of the capital — have I watched
her, as, "wrapped in her Cashmere, she reclined in all the
voluptuous indolence of her queenly state, glorying to
think that she — she, whose proud glance scarce noticed
the obsequious throng that bowed with uncovered heads
around her — was, perhaps, not better nurtured than myself.
Far from envious jealousy at her better fortune, I exulted
in it ; she was a kind of beacon set on a hill to guide and
cheer me. I remember well, it was an actual triumph to
me one day, as the Viceroy, a gay and dashing nobleman,
not over-scrupulous where the claim of beauty was present,
stopped, with all his glittering staff, beside her carriage,
and in playful raillery began to chide her for being
absent from the last drawing-room. ' We missed you sadly,
Mrs. Mansergh,' said he, smiling his most seductive smile.
'Pray tell my friend Mansergh that he shows himself a
most lukewarm supporter of the Government, who denies
us the fairest smiles of the capital.'
' In truth, my lord, he would not give me a new train,
and I refused to wear the old one,' said she, laughing.
'Downright disloyalty, upon my honour,' said the
Viceroy, with well-got-up gravity.
' Don't you think so, my lord ? ' rejoined she ; ' so I even
told him that I 'd represent the case to your Excellency,
who, I 'm sure, would not refuse a velvet robe to the wife,
while you gave a silk gown to the husband.'
' It will be the very proudest of my poor prerogatives,'
58 THE CONFESSIONS OF
said he, bowing, while a flash of crimson lit up his pleased
features. ' Your favourite colour is '
' I should like to wear your lordship's,' said she, with a
look the most finished coquette might envy, so admirably
blended were trust and timid bashfulness.
What he replied I could not catch. There was a flatter-
ing courtesy, however, in his smile, and in the familiar
motion of the hand with which he bade good-bye, that
were enough to show me that he, the haughty mirror of
his sovereign, did not think it beneath him to bandy
compliments and exchange soft looks with the once
humble beauty. From that time out my whole thoughts
day and night were centred in her; and I have passed
hours long, fancying all the possible fortunes for which
destiny might intend her. It seemed to me as though
she was piloting out the course for me in life, and that
her success was the earnest of my own. Often when
a ball or a great reception was given by her, have I sat,
cold, shivering, and hungry, opposite the house, watching
with thrilling interest all the equipages as they came, and
hearing the high and titled names called aloud by the
servants, and thinking to myself, ' Such are her associates
noiv. These great and haughty personages are here to do
honour to her, their lovely hostess ; and she, but a few
years back, if report spoke truly, was scarcely better off
than I was — I — myself.'
Only they who have a sanguine, hopeful temperament
will be able to understand how the poor, houseless, friend-
less boy — the outcast of the world — the convict's child —
could ever dare to indulge in such daydreams of future
greatness. But I had set the goal before my eyes — the
intermediate steps to it I left to fortune. The noble bear-
ing and polished graces of the high and wealthy, which
to my humble associates seemed the actual birthright of
the great, I perceived could all be acquired. There was no
prescriptive claim in any class to the manners of high
breeding; and why should not I, if fortune favoured, be
CON CREGAN 59
as good a gentleman as the best? In other particulars,
all that I had observed showed me no wondrous dis-
similarity of true feeling in the two classes. The gentle-
man, to be sure, did not swear, like the common fellow;
but on the racecourse or the betting-ground I had seen,
to the full, as much deceit as ever I witnessed in my own
order. There was faithlessness beneath Valenciennes lace
and velvet as well as beneath brown stuff and check ; and
a spirit of backbiting, that we ragged folk knew nothing
of, seemed a current pastime in better circles.
What, then, should debar me from that class ? Not the
manners, which I could feign, nor the vices, which I could
feel. To be like them, was only to be of them — such, at
least, was then my conviction and my theory.
Any one who will take the pains to reflect on and
analyse the mode of thinking I have here mentioned will
see how necessarily it tends rather to depress those above
than to elevate those beneath. I did not purpose to myself
any education in high and noble sentiments, but simply
the performance of a part which I deemed easy to assume.
The result soon began to tell. I felt a degree of contemptu-
ous hatred for the very persons I had once revered as
almost demigods. I no longer looked up to the 'gentleman'
as such by right divine, but by accident ; and I fostered the
feeling by the writings of every radical newspaper I could
come at. All the levelling doctrines of socialism — all the
plausibilities of equality — became as great truths to me ;
and I found a most ready aptitude in my mind to square
the fruits of my personal observations to these pleasant
theories. The one question recurred every morning as I
arose, and remained unanswered each night as I lay down,
' Why should I hold a horse, and why should another man
ride one ? ' I suppose the difficulty has puzzled wiser
heads ; indeed, since I mooted it to myself, it has caused
some trouble in the world ; nor, writing now as I do in
the year of grace '48, do I suppose the question is yet
answered.
60 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
I have dwelt perhaps too long on this exposition of my
feelings ; but as my subsequent life was one of far more
action than reflection, the indulgent reader will pardon
the prosiness, not simply as explaining the history which
follows, but also as affording a small breathing-space in a
career where there were few halts.
I have said that I began to conceive a great grudge
against all who were well-off in life, and against none did
I indulge this aversion more strongly than ' the captain,'
my first patron — almost my only one. Though he had
always employed me — and none ever approached him save
myself — he had never condescended to the slightest act
of recognition beyond the tap on my head with his gold-
mounted whip, and a significant nod where to lead his
pony. No sign of his, no look, no gesture, ever confessed
to the fact that I was a creature of his own species, that I
had had a share in the great firm which, under the name
of Adam and Co., has traded so long and industriously.
If I were sick, or cold, or hungry, it mattered not — my
cheek might be sunk with want or care — my rags might
drip with rain, or freeze with sleet — he never noticed
them ; yet if the wind played too roughly with his Arab's
mane, or the silky tasselled tail, he saw it at once. If
her coat stirred with the chill breeze, he would pat and
pet her. It was evident enough which had the better
existence.
If these thoughts chafed and angered me at first, at
least they served to animate and rouse my spirit. He who
wants to rise in life must feel the sharp spur of a wrong —
there is nothing like it to give vigour and energy to his
motions. When I came to this conclusion, I did not wait
long to put the feeling into action ; and it was thus — but
a new chapter of my life deserves a new chapter of my
history.
(glK)&[P> c ?I& WDD.
A BOLD STROKE FOR AN OPEN-
ING IN THE WORLD
S regular as the day itself did
I wait at the corner of Merrion
Square, at three o'clock, the
arrival of Captain De Courcy,
who was always punctual ;
indeed, the clatter of the
pony's hoofs, as he cantered
along, usually announced the
striking of the post-office clock.
To dismount, and fling me the bridle, with a short nod
of the head in the direction he wished me to walk the
animal, was the extent of recognition ever vouchsafed me ;
and as I never ventured upon even a word with him, our
62 THE CONFESSIONS OF
intercourse was of the simplest possible kind. There was
an impassive quietude about his pale cold features that
awed me. I never saw him smile but once ; it was when
the mare seized me by the shoulder, and tore with her
teeth a great piece of my ragged coat away. Then, indeed,
he did vouchsafe to give a faint, listless smile, as he said to
his pampered nag, ' Fie, fie ! What a dirty feeder you are ! '
Very little notice on his part — the merest act of recogni-
tion, a look, a monosyllable, would have been enough to
satisfy me — anything, in short, which might acknowledge
that we were part of the same great chain, no matter
how many links might lie between us.
After three hours of a cold wait, on a rainy and dreary
afternoon, the only solace to my hunger being the
imaginative one of reflecting on the pleasure of those
happy mortals who were sitting down to dinner in the
various houses along the square, and fancying to myself
the blessed state of tranquillity it must impart to a man's
nature to see a meal of appetising excellence, from which
no call of business, no demand of any kind, could with-
draw him. And what speculations did I indulge in as
to the genial pleasantry that must abound — the happy
wit, the joyous ease of such gatherings when three or
four carriages at a door would bespeak the company at
such a dinner-party.
At last, out came my captain, with a haste and flurry
of manner quite unusual. He did not, as was his constant
custom, pass his hand along the mare's neck, to feel her
coat ; nor did he mutter a single word of coaxing to her
as he mounted. He flung himself with a jerk into the
saddle, and, rapping my knuckles sharply with the gold
knob of his whip, pettishly cried, 'Let her go, sirrah!'
and cantered away. I stood for some moments motionless,
my mind in that strange state when the first thought of
rebellion has entered, and the idea of reprisal has occurred.
I was about to go away, when the drawing-room window,
straight above me, was opened, and a lady stepped out
upon the balcony. It was too dark to discern either her
CON CREGAN 63
features or her dress, but a certain instinct told me it
was Mrs. Mansergh. ' Are you Captain De Courcy's boy ? '
said she, in a sweet and subdued voice. I replied in the
affirmative, and she went on, 'You know his quarters at
the Royal Hospital? Well, go there at once, as speedily
as you can, and give him this note.' She hesitated for
a second, as if uncertain what to say, and then added,
1 It is a note he dropped from his pocket by accident.'
'I'll do it, ma'am,' said I, catching the letter and the
half-crown, which she had half inserted in the envelope
to give it weight. ' You may trust me perfectly.' Before
the words were well uttered, she had retired ; the window
was closed, the curtain drawn, and, except the letter and
the coin in my fingers, nothing remained to show that
the whole had not been a trick of my foolish brain.
My immediate impulse was to fulfil my mission. I even
started off at full speed to do so; but as I turned the
corner of the square, the glare of a bright gas -lamp
suggested the temptation of, at least, a look at my
despatches; and what was my astonishment to find that
on this note, which had been dropped by ' accident ' from
the captain's pocket, the superscription was scarcely dry
— in the very act of catching I had blotted the words !
This, of course, was no affair of mine; but it evinced
deception — and deception at certain moments becomes
a dangerous injury. There are times when the mind feels
deceit to be an outrage. The stormy passions of the
fury- driven mob — reckless and headstrong — show this ;
and the most terrible moment in all political convulsions
is, when the people feel, or even suspect, that they have
been tricked. My frame of mind was exactly in that
critical stage. A minute before, I was ready to yield any
obedience — tender any service ; and now, of a sudden —
without the slightest real cause, or from anything which
could in the remotest way affect me — I had become a
rebel. Let the reader forgive the somewhat tedious
analysis of a motive, since it comes from one who has long
studied the science of moral chemistry, and made most
64 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of his experiments — as the rule directs — in ' ignoble
bodies.'
My whole resolve was changed. I would not deliver
the note. Not that I had any precise idea wherefore, or
that I had the least conception what other course I should
adopt. I was a true disciple of revolt — I rebelled for
very rebellion sake.
Betty Cobbe's was more than usually brilliant on that
evening. A race, which was to come off at Kingstown
the next day, had attracted a numerous company — in
the various walks of horse-boys, bill-carriers, and pick-
pockets — all of whom hoped to find a ready harvest on
the morrow. The conversation was, therefore, entirely
of a sporting character. Anecdotes of the turf and the
ring went round, and in the many curious devices of
roguery and fraud might be read the prevailing taste of
that select company. Combinations were also formed to
raise the rate of payment, and many ingenious suggestions
thrown out about turning cattle loose, slacking girths,
stealing curb chains, and so on, from that antagonistic
part of the public who preferred holding their horses
themselves than intrusting them to the profession.
The race itself, too, engrossed a great share of interest ;
and a certain Fergusson was talked of with all the
devotedness and affection of a dear friend. Nor, as I
afterwards learned, was the admiration a merely blind
one, as he was a most cunning adept in all the wily
stratagems by which such men correct the wilful ways
of Fortune.
How my companions chuckled over stories of 'rotten
ditches,' that were left purposely to betray the unwary ;
swinging gates, that would open at the least touch, and
inevitably catch the horse that attempted to clear — if the
hoof but grazed them ; bog holes to swamp, and stone
fences to smash — had their share of approval ; but a drain
dug eight feet deep, and that must certainly break the
back of the horse, if not of the rider also, who made a
CON CREGAN 65
' mistake ' over it, seemed the triumph, which carried away
the suffrages of the whole assembly.
Now, although I had seen far more of real sport and
horsemanship than the others, these narratives were, for
the most part, new to me ; and I listened with a high
interest to every scheme and trick by which cunning can
overreach and outmanoeuvre simplicity. The admiration
of adroit knavery is the first step on the road to fraud, and
he who laughs heartily at a clever trick seldom suspects
how he is 'booking himself ' for the same road. For my own
part, neither were my principles so fixed, nor my education
so careful, that I did not conceive a very high respect for
the rogue, and a very contemptuous disdain for his victim.
Morning came, and a bright, sunny one it was, with a
keen frost, and that kind of sharp air that invigorates and
braces both mind and body. The crisp clear outline of
every tree and building seen against the deep blue sky ;
the sparkling river, with its clean bed of bright gravel ;
and the ruddy faces one meets, are all of a nature to
suggest pleasant and cheerful thoughts. Even we — we,
with our frail garments and chapped hands, felt it, and
there was an alacrity of movement and a bounding step,
a gay laugh and a merry voice everywhere. All set out
for Kingstown, in the neighbourhood of which the race
was to come off. I alone remained behind, resisting every
entreaty of my companions to join them. I cannot yet
say why I did so. It was partly that long habit had made
my attendance upon the captain a duty ; partly, perhaps,
that some vague notion that the letter, of which I still kept
possession, should be delivered by me at last.
The town was quite empty on that day : not a carriage,
nor a horseman to be seen. There were very few on foot,
and the square was deserted of all, save its nursery popula-
tion. I never felt a more tedious morning. I had full
time, as I loitered along all alone, to contrast my solitude
with the enjoyment my companions were at that same
moment pursuing.
13 E
66 THE CONFESSIONS OF
True to the instant, Captain de Courcy cantered up, his
face a thought graver and more stern than I had ever
seen it before. As he dismounted, my hand, in holding his
stirrup, soiled the brilliant polish of his lacquered boot ; he
perceived it, and rewarded my awkwardness with a smart
cut of his whip. A minute before, I had made up my mind
to give him the note ; now, torture itself would not have
torn it from me.
I followed him with my eyes till he entered the house —
not over distinctly, it is true, for they were somewhat
blinded by tears that would, in spite of me, come forth.
The sensation was a most painful one ; and I am heartily
glad to confess I have seldom experienced a recurrence of
it. Scarcely was the hall door closed on him, when I
remembered that he would soon hear of the note, which I
had failed to deliver, and that, in all likelihood, a heavy
punishment awaited me. My offence was a grave one :
what was to be done ? Turn the mare loose and fly,
or patiently await my fate ? Either were bad enough ;
the latter certainly the less advisable of the two. A
course soon suggested itself, doubtless inspired by that
third most mischief -working adage, which says that
one may be 'as well hanged for the sheep as the
lamb.'
I therefore voted for the ' larger animal,' and to satisfy
myself that I was honest to my own convictions, I
immediately proceeded to act upon them. I led the
mare quietly along to the angle of the square, and then
turning into the next street, I shortened the stirrups,
mounted, and rode off.
' Set a beggar on horseback ' says the proverb ; and
although the consequence is only meant figuratively, I
have a suspicion that it might bear a literal reading.
I rode away, at first at a trot, and then, striking into
a brisk canter, I took the road to Kingstown, whither,
even yet, some horsemen were hastening.
Every stride of the bounding animal elevated my
CON CREGAN 67
spirits and nerved my courage. The foot-passengers,
that plodded wearily along, I looked down upon as
inferior — with the horsemen on either side I felt a kind
of equality. How differently does one view life from
the saddle, and from the ground! The road became
more thronged as I advanced, thicker crowds pressed
eagerly forward, and numerous carriages obstructed the
way. At another moment, perhaps, I should have at-
tracted attention, but stranger sights were passing at
every instant, and none troubled their heads about the
1 ragged urchin on the thoroughbred.'
The crowd at last became so dense that horsemen were
fain to desert the highroad and take short cuts wherever
an open gate, or an easily crossed fence, opened the way.
Following a group of well-mounted gentlemen, I cleared
a low wall into a spacious grass field, over which we
cantered ; and beyond this, by leaping an easy ditch, into
another of the same kind, till at length we saw the vast
crowds that blackened a hill in front, and, beneath them,
could distinguish the fluttering flags that marked the
course, and the large floating standard of the winning-
post.
What a grand sight was that ! For what is so imposing
a spectacle as vast myriads of people stirred by one
interest and animated by one absorbing passion? Every
one has nowadays seen something of the kind, therefore
I shall not linger to tell of the impression it made upon
my youthful senses. The first race had already come off ;
but the second, and the great event of the day, was yet
to take place.
It was a steeplechase by 'gentlemen riders,' over a
very severe line of country, several fences of most
break-neck character having been added to the natural
difficulties of the ground.
Mounted on my splendid barb, I rode boldly forward
till I reached the field through which the first ditch ran
— a deep and wide trench, backed by a low rail — a very
68 THE CONFESSIONS OF
formidable leap, and requiring both stride and strength
to clear it.
'Some of 'em will tail off when they sees that!' said
an English groom, with a knowing wink; and the words
were only out, when, at a ' slapping canter,' the riders were
seen coming down the gently sloping hill. Three rode
nearly abreast, then came a single horseman, and, after
him, an indiscriminate mass, whose bright and party-
coloured jackets glowed like a rainbow.
I watched them with a breathless interest. As they
came nearer they widened the space between them, and
each cast a rapid but stealthy glance at his neighbour.
One — he rode a powerful black horse — took the lead, and
dashing at the leap, his horse rose too soon, and fell,
chested against the opposite bank, the rider under him;
the next swerved suddenly round and balked; the third
did the same; so that the leading horseman was now he
who rode alone at first. Quickening his speed as he came
on, he seemed actually to fly ; and when he did take the
fence, it was like the bound of a cannon-shot — up, and
over, at once ! Of the rest, some two or three followed
well ; others pulled short up ; while the larger share,
in various forms of accident and misfortune, might be
seen either struggling in the brook or endeavouring to
rescue their horses from the danger of broken legs and
backs.
I did not wait to watch them, my interest was in those
who gallantly led onward, and who now, some four in
number, rode almost abreast. Among these, my favourite
was the sky-blue jacket, who had led the way over the
dyke, and him did I follow with straining eyes and
palpitating heart. They were at this moment advancing
towards a wall — a high and strong one — and I thought,
in the slackened pace, and more gathered -up stride, I
could read the caution a difficult leap enforced.
A brown jacket with white sleeves was the first to
charge it ; and, after a tremendous scramble, in which the
CON CREGAN 69
wall, the horse, and the rider were all tumbling together,
he got over; but the animal went dead lame, and the
rider, dismounting, led him off the ground.
Next came blue jacket, and just at the very rise, his
mare balked, and, at the top of her speed, ran away along
the side of the wall. A perfect roar of angry disappoint-
ment arose from the multitude, for she was the favourite
of the country-people, who were loudly indignant at this
mischance.
' The race is sold ! ' cried one.
' Beatagh ' — this was the rider — ' pulled her round him-
self ! the mare never was known to refuse a fence ! '
' I say you 're both wrong ! ' cried a third, whose excited
manner showed he was no indifferent spectator of the
scene. 'She never will take her first wall fairly; after
that, she goes like a bird ! '
'What a confounded nuisance to think that no one
will lead her over the fence ! Is there not one here will
show her the way ? ' said he, looking around.
'There's the only fellow I see whose neck can afford
it!' said another, pointing to me. 'He, evidently, was
never born to be killed in a steeplechase ! '
' Devilish well mounted he is, too ! ' remarked some one
else.
' Hallo, my smart boy ! ' said he who before alluded to
the mare as a bolter ; ' try your nag over that wall yonder
— go boldly. Let her have her head, and give her a
sharp cut as she rises. Make way there, gentlemen ! Let
the boy have fair-play, and I '11 wager a five-pound note he
does it ! You shall have half the stakes, too, if you win ! '
added he. These were the last words I heard, for the
crowd, clearing in front, opened for me to advance, and
without a moment's hesitation of any kind, I dashed my
heels to the mare's flanks and galloped forward. A loud
shout, and a perfect shower of whips on the mare's quarter
from the bystanders, put all question of pulling up beyond
the reach of possibility. In a minute more I was at the
70 THE CONFESSIONS OF
"wall, and, ere I well knew, over it. A few seconds after, the
blue jacket was beside me. ' "Well done, my lad ! You 've
earned twenty guineas if I win the race ! Lead the way a
bit, and let your mare choose her ground when she leaps.'
This was all he said; but such words of encouragement
never fell on my ears before.
Before us were the others, now reduced to three in
number, and evidently holding their stride and watching
each other — never for a moment suspecting that the most
feared competitor was fast creeping up behind them. One
fence separated us, and over this I led again, sitting my
mare with all the composure of an old steeplechaser.
'Out of the way now,' cried my companion, 'and let me
at them!' and he tore past me at a tremendous pace,
shouting out as he went by the rest, 'Come along, my
lads ! I '11 show the way ! '
And so he did ! With all their efforts, and they were
bold ones, they never overtook him afterwards. His
mare took each fence flying, and as her speed was much
greater than the others, she came in full half a minute
in advance. The others arrived altogether, crest-fallen
and disappointed, and like all beaten men, receiving the
most insulting comments from the mob, who are some-
what keen critics on misfortune. I came last, for I had
dropped behind when I was ordered; but unable to
extricate my mare from the crowd, was compelled to
ride the whole distance with the rest. If the losing
horsemen were hooted and laughed at, my approach was
a kind of triumphal entry. 'There's the chap that led
over the wall! That little fellow rode the best of them
all!' 'See that ragged boy on the small mare; he could
beat the field this minute ! '
' 'Tis fifty guineas in goold you ought to have, my chap ! '
said another — a sentiment the unwashed on all sides
seemed most heartily to subscribe to.
' Be my soul, I 'd rather be lookin' at him than the
gentlemen ! ' said a very tattered individual, with a coat
CON CREGAN 71
like a transparency. These, and a hundred similar
comments, fell like hail-drops around ; and I believe, that
in my momentary triumph, I actually forgot all the
dangers and perils of my offence.
It is a great occasion for rejoicing among the men of
rags and wretchedness when a member of their own
order has achieved anything like fame. The assertion of
their ability to enter the lists with ' their betters ' is the
very pleasantest of all flatteries. It is, so to say, a kind
of skirmish before that great battle which, one day or
other, remains to be fought between the two classes which
divide mankind — those who have, and those who have
not.
I little suspected that I was, to use the cant so popular
at present, 'the representative of a great principle' in
my late success. I took all the praises bestowed, most
literally, to myself, and shook hands with all the dirty
and tattered mob, fully convinced that I was a very fine
fellow.
' Misther Beatagh wants to see the boy that led him over
the ditch,' shouted out a huge, wide-shouldered, red-faced
ruffian, as he shoved the crowd right and left, to make
way for the approach of the gentleman who had just won
the race.
1 Stand up bowld, avick ! ' whispered one in my ear ; ' and
don't be ashamed to ax for your reward.'
' Say ten guineas ! ' muttered another.
' No ; but twenty ! ' growled out a third.
'And lashings of drink besides, for the present com-
pany ! ' suggested a big-headed cripple about two feet high.
' Are you the lad that took the fence before me ? ' cried
out a smart -looking, red- whiskered young man, with a
white surtout loosely thrown over his riding-costume.
' Yes, sir,' I replied, half modestly and half assured.
'Who are you, my boy? and where do you come from?'
' He 's one of Betty Cobbe's chickens ! ' shouted out an
old savage-faced beggar-man, who was terribly indignant
72 THE CONFESSIONS OF
at the great misdirection of public sympathy ; ' and a nice
clutch they are ! '
'What is it to you, Dan, where the crayture gets his
bread ! ' rejoined an old news vender, who, in all likelihood,
had once been a parlour boarder in the same seminary.
'Never mind them, but answer me, my lad!' said the
gentleman. 'If you are willing to take service, and can
find any one to recommend you '
' Sure we 11 all go bail for him — to any amount!' shouted
out the little crippled fellow, from his ' bowl,' and certainly
a most joyous burst of laughter ran through the crowd at
the sentiment.
' Maybe ye think I 'm not a householder,' rejoined the
fellow, with a grin of assumed anger ; ' but haven't I my
own sugar hogshead to live in, and devil receave the
lodger in the same premises ! '
' I see there 's no chance of our being able to settle
anything here,' said the gentleman. ' These good people
think the matter more their own than ours ; so meet me
to-morrow, my lad, at Dycer's, at twelve o'clock, and bring
me anything that can speak for your character.' As he
said these few words he brushed the crowd to one side
with his whip, and forcing his way, with the air of a man
who would not be denied, left the place.
'And he's laving the crayture without givin' him a
f arden ! ' cried one of the mob, who suddenly saw all the
glorious fabric of a carouse and a drunken bout disappear
like a mirage.
' Oh the 'tarnal vagabond ! ' shouted another, more
indignantly ; ' to desart the child that a- way ; and he that
won the race for him ! '
'Will yez see the little crayture wronged?' said another,
who appeared by his pretentious manner to be a practised
street orator. 'Will yez lave the dissolute orphan' — he
meant desolate — ' to be chayted out of his pater money ?
Are yez men at all ? or are yez dirty slaves of the bloody
'stokessy that 's murderin' ould Ireland ? '
CON CREGAN 73
' We '11 take charge of the orphan, and of you too, my
smart fellow, if you don't brush off pretty lively ! ' said a
policeman, as, followed by two others, he pushed through
the crowd with that cool determination that seems to be
actually an instinct with them. Then laying a strong
hand on my collar, he went on : ' How did you come by
that mare, my lad ? '
'She belongs to Captain de Courcy, of the Royal
Hospital,' said I, doing my utmost to seem calm and
collected.
' We know that already ; what we want to hear is,
what brought you here with her? It wasn't Captain de
Courcy's orders ? '
'No, sir. I was told to hold her for him, and —
and '
' And so you rode off with her — out with it, it saves time,
my lad. Now, let me ask you another question: have
you any notion of the crime you have just committed?
do you know that it amounts to horse-stealing? and do
you know what the penalty is for that offence ? '
' No, sir ; I know neither one nor the other,' said I
resolutely; 'and if I did, it doesn't matter much. As
well to live upon prison diet as to starve in the streets ! '
' He 's a bad 'un ; I told ye that ! ' remarked another
of the policemen. ' Take him off, Grimes ! ' And so, amid
a very general but subdued murmur of pity and condol-
ence from the crowd, I was dragged away on one side,
while the mare was led off on another.
It was a terrible tumble down, from being a hero to
an embryo felon ! From being cheered by the populace,
to being collared by a policeman! As we went along
towards Dublin, on a jaunting-car, I was regaled by
interesting narratives of others, who had begun life
like myself, and took an abrupt leave of it in a manner
by no means too decorous. The peculiarity of anecdote
which pertains to each profession was strongly marked
in these officers of the law; and they appeared to have
74 THE CONFESSIONS OF
studied the dark side of human nature with eyes the
keenest and most scrutinising.
I wish I could even now forget the long and dreary-
hours of the night that ensued, as I lay, with some fifty
others, in the gaol of the station-house. The company
was assuredly not select, nor their manners at all improved
by the near approach of punishment. It seemed as if
all the disguises of vice were thrown off at once, and that
iniquity stood forth in its own true and glaring livery.
I do not believe that the heart can ever experience a ruder
shock than when an unfledged criminal first hears himself
welcomed into the 'Masonry' of guilt; to be claimed by
such associates as a f ellow-labourer ; to be received as
one of the brethren into the guild of vice, is really an
awful blow to one's self-esteem and respect ; to feel your-
self inoculated with a disease, whose fatal marks are to
stamp you like this one or that, sends a shuddering terror
through the heart, whose cold thrill is never, in a life-long
afterwards, thoroughly eradicated !
There should be a quarantine for suspected guilt, as for
suspected disease ; and the mere doubt of rectitude should
not expose any unfortunate creature to the chances of
a terrible contagion ! I do not affect by this to say that
I was guiltless — not in the least; but my crime should
scarcely have classified me with the associates by whom
I was surrounded. Nor was a night in such company the
wisest mode of restoring to the path of duty one who
might possibly have only slightly deviated from the
straight line.
When morning came, I was marched off, with a strong
phalanx of other misdoers, to the College Street office,
where a magistrate presided whose bitterest calumniators
could never accuse of any undue leanings towards mercy.
By him I had the satisfaction of hearing a great variety
of small offences decided with a railroad rapidity, only
interrupted, now and then, by a whining lamentation
over the '■ lenity of the legislature,' that never awarded
CON CREGAN 75
one tithe of the suitable penalty, and bewailing his own
inability to do more for the criminal than send him to
prison for two months, with hard labour, and harder
diet to sweeten it.
At last came my name; and as I heard it shouted
aloud, it almost choked me with a nervous fulness in the
throat. I felt as though I was the greatest criminal in
the universe, and that the whole vast assemblage had
no other object or aim there than to see me arraigned for
my offence.
I was scarcely ordered to advance before I was desired
to stand back again, the prosecutor, Captain de Courcy,
not being in court. While a policeman was, therefore,
despatched by the magistrate to request that he would
have the kindness to appear — for the captain was an
honourable and an aide-de-camp, titles which the sit-
ting justice knew well how to respect — other cases were
called and disposed of. It was nigh three o'clock when
a great bustle in the outer court, and a tremendous falling
back of the dense crowd, accompanied by an ostentatious
display of police zeal, heralded a group of officers, who,
with jingling spurs and banging sabretaches, made their
way to the bench, and took their seats beside the justice.
Many were the courtesies interchanged between the magis-
trate and the captain — one averring that the delay was
not in the slightest degree inconvenient, the other pro-
fessing the greatest deference for the rules of court,
neither bestowing a thought upon him most deeply con-
cerned of all.
A very brief narrative, delivered by the captain with
a most military abruptness, detailed my offence ; and
although not exaggerated in the slightest degree, the
occasional interruptions of the magistrate served very
considerably to magnify its guilt : such as, ' Dear me ! a
favourite mare — a pure Arab — a present from your noble
father, Lord Littlemore — infamous treatment — abominable
case — abandoned young scoundrel ! ' and so on, closing with
76 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the accustomed peroration of regret that, as hanging was
now done away with, he feared that the recorder could
only award me a transportation for life !
'Have you anything to say, sirrah?' said he at last,
turning towards me ; ' or would you rather reserve your
observations for another time ? as I shall certainly commit
you for trial at the commission.'
'I have only to suggest,' said I, with an air of most
insolent composure, 'that you are probably mistaken in
your law. The offence with which I stand charged amounts,
at most, to the minor one of breach of trust.'
'What! have we got a lawyer in the dock?' said the
magistrate, reddening with fear and anger together.
' I have enjoyed some opportunities of legal study, your
worship,' said I, ' and am happy to state that my opinion,
in the present instance, will not discredit the assertion.
The case stands thus : — I am employed by the Honourable
Captain de Courcy to perform a particular duty, which is
of the distinct nature of a trust ; that trust, whose import-
ance I do not seek to extenuate in the slightest, I fail in.
I will not plead the strong temptation of a race and a great
spectacle. I will not allege, as perhaps I might, the
example of my companions, then revelling in all the
pleasures of the day. I will simply say that no one fact
can be adduced to favour the suspicion of a meditated
robbery; and that my conduct, so palpably open and
public, rejects the least assumption of the kind, and at
the utmost can establish nothing beyond what I am
willing to plead guilty to — a breach of trust.'
'Listen to the Attorney-General! By the hokey, it's
himself they 've in the dock ! ' said one.
' That 's the chap can give them chapter and varse ! '
cried another.
' Silence there ! Keep silence in the court ! ' said the
justice, now really warm with passion. 'I'd have you
to know, sirrah,' said he, addressing me, 'that your
pettifogging shrewdness is anything but favourable to
CON CREGAN 77
you in the unfortunate position in which you stand. I shall
commit you for trial, and would advise you — it is the
only piece of advice I'll trouble you with — to charge
some more skilful advocate with your defence, and
not intrust it to the knavish flippancy of conceit and
chicanery.'
'I mean to have counsel, your worship,' said I
resolutely ; for my blood was up, and I would have argued
with the twelve judges. 'I mean to have one of the
first and most eminent at the bar for my defence. Mr.
Mansergh, of Merrion Square, will not refuse my brief
when he sees the fee I can offer him.'
A regular roar of laughter filled the court; the im-
pudence of my speech, and my thus introducing the
name of one of the very first men at the bar, as likely
to concern himself for such a miserable case and object,
was too much for any gravity ; and when the magistrate
turned to comment upon my unparalleled assurance and
impertinence to Captain de Courcy, he discovered that
the honourable captain had left his place.
Such was the fact. The dashing aide-de-camp was, at
that moment standing, in earnest converse with myself,
beside the dock.
'May I speak with this boy in another room, your
worship ? ' said he, addressing the Court.
'Certainly, Captain de Courcy! — Sergeant Biles, show
Captain de Courcy into my robing-room.'
The honourable captain did not regain his composure
immediately on finding himself alone with me ; on the
contrary, his agitation was such that he made two or
three efforts before he could utter the few words with
which he first addressed me.
'What did you mean by saying that Mr. Mansergh
would defend you? and what was the fee you alluded
to ? ' were the words.
' Just what I said, sir ! ' said I, with the steady assur-
ance a confidence of victory gives. ' I thought it was
78 THE CONFESSIONS OF
better to have able counsel, and as I know I have the
means of recompensing him, the opportunity was lucky.'
' You don't pretend that you could afford to engage one
like him, my lad ? ' said he, affecting, but very poorly, an
air of easy composure. ' What could you give him ? '
'A note, sir; and although it never issued from the
bank, one not without value.'
The captain became deadly pale ; he made one step
towards the door, and in a low voice of ill-restrained anger
said, ' I '11 have you searched, sirrah ! If anything belong-
ing to me is found upon you '
'No fear, sir!' said I composedly; 'I have taken
precautions against that ; the note is safe ! '
He threw himself upon a chair, and stared at me
steadily for some minutes, without a word. There we
were, each scanning the other, and inwardly calculating
how to win the game we were playing.
'Well!' said he, at last; 'what are your terms? You
see I give in.'
' And so best,' said I ; ' it saves time. I ask very little
from your honour — nothing more, in fact, than to have
this charge dismissed. I don't mean to wear rags all my
life, and consort with vagabonds, and so I dislike to have
it said hereafter that I was ever arraigned or committed
for an offence like this. You must tell the justice that it
was some blunder or mistake of your orders to me — some
accidental circumstance or other, I don't much care what,
or how ; nor will he, if the explanation comes from you !
This done, I'll place the note in your hand within half
an hour, and we need never see much more of each
other.'
' But who is to secure me that you keep your promise ? '
'You must trust to me,' said I carelessly; 'I have no
bail to give.'
' Why not return now with the policeman, for the note,
before I speak to the justice ? '
' Then who is to go bail for you ? ' said I, smiling.
CON CREGAN 79
' You are a cool fellow, by Jove ! ' cried he, at the steady
impudence which I maintained in the discussion.
'I had need be!' replied I, in a voice very different
from the feigned hardihood of my assumed part. 'The
boy who has neither a home, nor a friend in the world,
has little else to rely on save the cold recklessness of what
may befall him ! '
I saw a curl of contempt upon the captain's lip at the
energy of this speech; for now, when, for the first time
between us, a single genuine sentiment broke from me,
he deemed it ' cant.'
' Well ! ' cried he, ' as you wish ; I '11 speak to the justice,
and you shall be free.'
He left the room as he spoke, but in a few moments
re-entered it, saying, ' All is right ! You are discharged !
Now for your share of the bargain.'
' Where will your honour be in half an hour ? '
' At the club, Foster Place.'
' Then I '11 be there with the note,' said I.
He nodded, and walked out. I watched him as he
went ; but he neither spoke to a policeman, nor did he
turn his head round to see what became of me. There
was something in this that actually awed me. It was a
trait so unlike anything I had ever seen in others, that I
at once perceived it was ' the gentleman's ' spirit enabling
him to feel confidence even in a poor ragged street
wanderer as I was. The lesson was not lost on me. My
life has been mainly an imitative one, and I have more
than once seen the inestimable value of ' trusting.'
No sooner was I at large than I speeded to Betty's,
and was back again long before the half-hour expired. I
had to wait till near five, however, before he appeared ;
so sure was he of my keeping my word, that he never
troubled himself about me ! ' Ha ! ' said he, as he saw me ;
' long here ? '
' Yes, sir, about an hour ' ; and I handed him the note
as I spoke.
80 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
He thrust it carelessly into his sabretache, and pulling
out a crown-piece, chucked it towards me, saying, ' Good-
bye, friend; if they don't hang you, you'll make some
noise in the world yet.'
'I mean it, sir,' said I, with a familiar nod; and so
genteelly touching my cap in salute, I walked away.
- ^
'a quiet chop' at 'kil-
leen's,' and a glance
at a new character
LOOKED very wist-
fully at my broad
crown - piece, as it
lay with its honest
platter face in the
palm of my hand,
and felt, by the stirring sensations it excited within me,
some inklings of his feelings who possesses hundreds of
thousands of them. Then there arose in my mind the
grave question how it was to be spent; and such a
strange connection is there between what economists call
supply and demand, that, in place of being, as I esteemed
myself a few minutes back, 'passing rich,' I at once
perceived that I was exceeding poor, since to effect any
important change in my condition, five shillings was a
most inadequate sum. It would not buy me more than a
pair of shoes ; and what use in repairing the foundation
13 F
82 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of the edifice when the roof was in ruin ! not to speak of
my other garments, to get into which, each morning, by
the same apertures as before, was a feat that might have
puzzled a harlequin.
I next bethought me of giving an entertainment to my
brethren at Betty's; but, after all, they had shown little
sympathy with me in my late misfortune, and seemed
pleased to be rid of a dangerous professional rival. This,
and a lurking desire to leave the fraternity, decided me
against this plan.
Then came the thought of entertaining myself — giving
myself a species of congratulatory dinner on my escape ;
and, in fact, commemorating the event by anticipating the
most fashionable mode now in use.
I canvassed the notion with all the skill and fairness I
could summon, stating the various objections against it,
and answering them, with what seemed to myself a most
judicial impartiality.
' Who does a man usually entertain,' said I, ' but his
intimate friends?' Those whose agreeability is pleasing
to him, or whose acquaintance is valuable from their
station and influence. Now, with whom had I such an
unrestrained and cordial intercourse as myself? Whose
society never wearied — whose companionship always
interested me ? — my own ! and who, of all the persons I had
ever met with, conceived a sincere and heartfelt desire for
my welfare, preferring it to all others ? ' Con Cregan, it is
you,' said I enthusiastically. ' In you my confidence is com-
plete. I believe you incapable of ever forgetting me ; come,
then, and let us pledge our friendship over a flowing bowl ! '
Where, too, was the next doubt? With a crown to
spend, I was not going to descend to some subterranean
den among coal-heavers, newsvenders, and umbrella
hawkers; but how was I to gain access to a better-class
ordinary — that was the difficulty; who would admit the
street-runner in his rags into even a brief intimacy with
his silver forks and spoons ; and it was precisely to an
CON CREGAN 83
entertainment on such a scale as a good tavern could
supply that I aspired. It was to test my own feelings
under a new stimulant— just as I have often since seen
grave people experiment upon themselves with laughing
gas, and magnetism, and the fumes of ether.
'It may be too much for you, Con,' said I, as I went
along; 'there's no knowing what effect it may have on
your nerves.'
' Remember that your system is not attuned to such
variations. Your vagaries may prove extravagant, and
the too sudden elevation may disturb your naturally
correct judgment.' Against these doubts I pleaded the
necessity of not being ungrateful to myself — not refusing
a very proper acknowledgment of my own skill and
astuteness ; and, lastly, I suggested a glancing kind of
hope, that, like those famed heroes who dated their great
fortune to having gone to sleep beneath the shadow of
some charmed tree, or near the ripple of a magic fountain,
that I, too, should arise from this banquet with some
brilliant view of life, and see the path to success, bright
and clear before me, through the hazy mists of fancy.
As I reasoned thus, I passed various ordinaries, stop-
ping with a kind of instinct at each, to gaze at the luscious
rounds of beef so daintily tricked out with sprigs of
parsley — the appetising cold sirloins, so beautifully strati-
fied with fat and lean — with hams that might tempt a
rabbi — not to speak of certain provocative little para-
graphs about 'ox-tail and gravy ready at all hours.'
' Queer world it is,' said I ; ' and there are passing at every
instant, by tens and twenties, men, and women, and
children, famishing and hungry, who see all these things
separated from them by a pane of window-glass ; and yet,
they only gather their rags more closely together, clench
their thin lips tighter, and move on. Not that alone ; but
here am I, with means to buy what I want, and yet I
must not venture to cross that threshold, as though
my rags should be an insult to their broadcloth.' 'Move
84 THE CONFESSIONS OF
on, youngster,' quoth a policeman at this moment, and
thus put an end to my soliloquy.
Wearied with rambling, and almost despairing of my-
self, I was about to cross Carlisle Bridge, when the blazing
effulgence of a great ruby-coloured lamplight attracted
my attention, over which, in bright letters, ran the words,
' Killeen's Tavern and Chop House,' and beneath — ' Steak,
potatoes, and a pint of stout, one shilling and fourpence.'
Armed with a bold thought, I turned and approached the
house. Two or three waiters, in white aprons, were stand-
ing at the door, and showed little inclination to make way
for me as I advanced.
' Well ! ' cried one, ' who are you ? Nobody sent for you.'
' Tramp, my smart fellow,' said the other, ' this an't
your shop.'
' Isn't this Killeen's ? ' said I stoutly.
' Just so,' said the first, a little surprised at my coolness.
'Well, then, a young gentleman from the college sent
me to order dinner for him at once, and pay for it at the
same time.'
' What will he have ? '
'Soup, and a steak, with a pint of port,' said I; just
the kind of dinner I had often heard the old half -pay
officers talking of at the door of the club in Foster Place.
' What hour did he say ? '
' This instant. He 's coming down ; and as he starts by
the mail at seven, he told me to have it on the table when
he came.'
'All right; four-and-six,' said the waiter, holding out
his hand for the money.
I gave him my crown-piece, and as he fumbled for the
sixpence I insinuated myself quietly into the hall.
'There's your change, boy,' said the waiter; 'you
needn't stop.'
' Will you be so good, sir,' said I, ' to write " paid " on a
slip of paper for me, just to show the gentleman ? '
'Of course,' sajd he, taken possibly by the flattering
CON CREGAN 85
civility of my address, and he stepped into the bar, and
soon reappeared with a small scrap of paper, with these
words : ' Dinner and a pint of port, 4s. 6d. — paid.'
'I'mto wait for him here, sir,' said I most obsequiously.
'Very well, so you can,' replied he, passing on to the
coffee-room.
I peeped through the glass-door, and saw that in one of
the little boxes into which the place was divided, a table
was just spread, and a soup-tureen and a decanter placed
on it. ' This,' thought I, ' is for me ' ; for all the other
boxes were already occupied, and a great buzz of voices
and clashing of plates and knives going on together.
' Serve the steak, sir,' said I, stepping into the room and
addressing the head- waiter, who, with a curse to me to ' get
out of that,' passed on to order the dish ; while I, with an
adroit flank movement, dived into the box, and, imitating
some of the company, spread my napkin like a breastplate
across me. By a great piece of fortune, the stall was the
darkest in the room, so that when seated in a corner, with
an open newspaper before me, I could, for a time at least,
hope to escape detection.
1 Anything else, sir ? ' cried a waiter, as he uncovered the
soup, and deposited the dish of smoking beefsteak.
'Nothing,' responded I, with a voice of most imposing
sternness, and manfully holding up the newspaper
between us.
The first three or four mouthfuls I ate with a faint
heart ; the fear of discovery, exposure, and expulsion,
almost choked me. A glass of port rallied, a second one
cheered, and a third emboldened me, and I proceeded to
my steak in a spirit of true ease and enjoyment. The
port was most insidious ; place it wherever I would on
the table, it invariably stole over beside me, and in spite
of me, as it were, the decanter would stand at my elbow.
I suppose it must be in reality a very gentlemanlike
tipple; the tone of sturdy self-reliance, the vigorous air
of command, the sense of absolutism it inspires, smack
86 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of Toryism ; and as I sipped, I felt myself rising above
the low prejudices I once indulged in against rank and
wealth, and insensibly comprehending the beauty of that
system which divides and classifies mankind.
The very air of the place, the loud, overbearing talk,
the haughty summons to the waiter, the imperious demand
for this or that requisite of the table, all conspired to
impress me with the pleasant sensation imparted to him
who possesses money. Among the various things called
for on every side I remarked that mustard seemed in
the very highest request. Every one ate of it; none
seemed to have enough of it. There was a perpetual
cry — 'Mustard! I say, waiter, bring me the mustard!'
while one very choleric old gentleman, in a drab surtout
and a red nose, absolutely seemed bursting with in-
dignation, as he said, 'You don't expect me to eat a
steak without mustard, sir?' — a rebuke at which the
waiter grew actually purple.
Now this was the very thing I had myself been doing,
actually eating ' a steak without mustard ! ' What a mistake,
and for one who believed himself to be in every respect
conforming to the choicest usages of high life ! What was
to be done ? the steak had disappeared ; no matter, it was
never too late to learn, and so I cried out, 'Waiter! the
mustard here ! ' in a voice that almost electrified the whole
room.
I had scarcely concealed myself beneath my curtain
— the Times — when the mustard was set down before me,
with a humble apology for forgetfulness. I waited till
he withdrew, and then helping myself to the unknown
delicacy, proceeded to eat it, as the phrase is, 'neat.' In
my eagerness I swallowed two or three mouthfuls before
I felt its effects, and then a sensation of burning and
choking seized upon me. My tongue seemed to swell to
thrice its size; my eyes felt as if they would drop out
of my head; while a tingling sensation, like 'frying,' in
my nostrils almost drove me mad ; so that, after three
CON CREGAN 87
or four seconds of silent agony, during which I experienced
about ten years of torture, unable to endure more, I
screamed out that ' I was poisoned,' and with wide-open
mouth, and staring eyes, ran down the coffee-room.
Never was seen such an uproar! had an animal from
a wild beast menagerie appeared among the company, the
consternation could scarce be greater ; and in the mingled
laughter and execrations might be traced the different
moods of those who resented my intrusion. 'Who is
this fellow ? how did he get in ? what brought him here ?
what's the matter with him?' poured in on all sides
— difficulties the head-waiter thought it better to deal
with by a speedy expulsion than by any lengthened
explanation.
' Get a policeman, Bob ! ' said he to the next in com-
mand ; and the order was given loud enough to be heard
by me.
' What the devil threw him amongst us ? ' said a testy-
looking man in green spectacles.
' I came to dine, sir,' said I ; ' to have my steak and my
pint of wine, as I hoped, in comfort, and as one might
have it in a respectable tavern.'
A jolly burst of laughter stopped me, and I was obliged
to wait for its subsidence to continue.
1 Well, sir ! I paid for my dinner '
' Is that true, Sam ? ' said a shrewd-looking man to the
waiter.
' Quite true, sir ! he paid f our-and-sixpence, saying that
the dinner was for a college gentleman.'
' I have been in college,' said I coolly ; ' but no matter,
the thing is simple enough; I am here, in a house of
public entertainment, the proprietors of which have
accepted my money for a specific purpose; and putting
aside the question whether they can refuse admission
to any well-conducted individual (see Barnes versus
MacTivell, in the 8th volume Term Reports ; and Hobbes
against Blinkerton, Soaker, and others, in the Appendix)
88 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I contend that my presence here is founded upon
contract.'
Another and still louder roar of mirth again stopped
me, and before I could resume, the company had gathered
round me in evident delight at my legal knowledge ; and
in particular, he of the spectacles, who was a well-known
attorney of the Court of Conscience.
' That fellow 's a gem ! ' said he. ' Hang me if he 's not
equal to Bleatem ! Sam, take care what you do ; he 's
the chap to have his action against you ! I say, my man,
come and sit down here, and let us have a little chat
together.'
'Most willingly, sir,' responded I. 'Waiter, bring my
wine over to this table.' This was the signal for another
shout, of which I did not deign to take the slightest
notice.
'I'll wager a hundred oysters,' exclaimed one of the
party among whom I now seated myself, 'that I have
seen him before! Tell me, my lad, didn't you ride over
the course yesterday, and cut out the work for Mr.
Beatagh ? '
I bowed an assent. ' Who the devil is he ? ' cried two or
three together ; and my appearance and manner did not
check the audible expression of this sentiment.
' A few words will suffice, gentlemen,' said I, ' on that
head. My father was an estated gentleman, of small but
unencumbered fortune, which he lost by an unfortunate
speculation ; he accordingly went abroad '
' To Norfolk Island ! ' suggested one, with a wink.
' Exactly,' responded I ; ' a colonial appointment ; leaving
me, like Norval, not exactly on the Grampian Hills, but in
a worse place, in the middle of the bog of Allen, my sole
dependence being in certain legal studies I had once made,
and a natural taste for getting forward in life, which,
with a most enthusiastic appreciation of good company'
— here I bowed politely all round — 'are, I natter myself,
my chief characteristics.'
CON CREGAN 89
After a little, but most good-humoured, quizzing about
my present occupation and future prospects, they, with far
more politeness than might be expected, turned the con-
versation upon other matters, and kindly permitted me to
throw in from time to time my observations — remarks
which I could see, from their novelty at least, seemed often
to surprise them.
At length the hour of separating arrived, and I arose
to bid the company good-night, which I performed with
a very fair imitation of that quiet ease I had often studied
in the young guardsmen about town.
' What do you bet that he has neither home to shelter
him nor bed to sleep on this night ? ' whispered one to his
neighbour.
' What are you writing there, Cox ? ' said another, to the
keen-eyed man, who was pencilling something on a card.
' There ; that 's my address, my boy — 12 Stafford Street :
Jeremiah Cox. Come to me about ten to-morrow.'
Another, while he was speaking, made an effort to slip
a half-crown into my hand — a measure I felt it becoming
to decline "with a prompt but courteous refusal. Indeed,
I had so identified myself with the part I was performing,
that I flung down my only sixpence on the table for the
waiter, and with a last salutation to the honourable
company, walked out. I have a perfect memory of every
circumstance of the evening, and I recollect that my
swaggering exit was as free from any semblance of
concern or care as though a carriage waited for me out-
side to convey me to a luxurious home !
It has often been a fancy of mine through life to pass
the entire of a summer night out of doors ; to wander
either through the moonlit roads of some picturesque
country, or in the still more solitary streets of a great city.
I have always felt on these occasions as though one were
'stealing a march' upon the sleeping world— gaining so
many more hours of thought and reflection, which the
busy conflict of life renders so often difficult.
90 THE CONFESSIONS OF
The hours of the night seem to typify so many stages
of existence — only reversing the natural order of age, and
making the period of deep reflection precede the era of
sanguine hope ; for if the solemn closing in of the dark-
ness suggests musing, so do the rosy tints and fresh air
of breaking day inspire the warm hopefulness of youth.
If ' the daylight sinking ' invites the secret communing of
the heart, 'the dawning of morn' glows with energetic
purpose and bold endeavour.
To come back to myself. I left the tavern without
a thought whither I should turn my steps. It was a
calm night, with a starry sky and a mild genial air, so
that to pass the hours until morning without shelter was
no great privation. One only resolve I had formed — never
to go back to Betty's. I felt that I had sojourned over
long in such companionship ; it was now time some other
and more upward path should open before me.
Following the course of the Liffey, I soon reached the
Quay called the North Wall, and at last arrived at the
bluff extremity which looks out upon the opening of
the river into the Bay of Dublin. The great expanse was
in deep shadow, but so calm the sea, that the two light-
houses were reflected in long columns of light in the
tranquil water. The only sound audible was the low
monotonous plash of the sea against the wall, or the
grating noise of a chain cable, as the vessel it held surged
slowly with the tide. The sounds had something plaintive
in them, that soon imparted a tone of sadness to my mind;
but it was a melancholy not unpleasing ; and I sat down
upon a rude block of stone, weaving strange fancies of
myself and my future.
As I sat thus, my ear, grown more acute by habit,
detected the light clank of a chain, and something like
a low thumping sound in the water beneath me, and on
peering down, I discovered the form of a small boat,
fastened to a ring in the wall, and which, from time to
time, grated against the strong masonry. There it lay,
CON CREGAN 91
with a pair of light oars run under the thwarts, and its
helm flapping to and fro, inert and purposeless, like my-
self ! So at least I fancied it, and soon began conceiving
a strange parallel between it and me. I was suddenly
startled from these musings by the sound of feet rapidly
approaching.
I listened, and could hear a man coming towards me
at full speed. I sat down beneath the shadow of the
wall, and he passed me unnoticed, and then, springing up
on the parapet, he gave a loud shrill whistle ; waiting a
few seconds as if for the reply, he was silent, and then
repeated it; but still in vain — no answer came. 'Blast
them ! ' muttered he, ' the scoundrels will not show a
light!' A third time did he whistle; but though the
sounds might be heard a mile off, neither sight nor sound
ever responded to them. 'And that rascal, too, to have
left the boat at such a moment ! ' Just as he uttered these
words, he sprang down from the wall, and caught sight
of me, as I lay, affecting sleep, coiled up beneath it.
With a rude kick of his foot on my side he aroused
me, saying, ' D n the fellow, is this a time for sleeping ?
I told you to keep a sharp lookout for me here ! What !
who are you?' cried he, as I stood upright before him.
' A poor boy, sir, that has no roof to shelter him,' said
I plaintively.
He bent his head and listened; and then, with a
horrible curse, exclaimed, ' Here they are ! here they
come ! Can you pull an oar, my lad ? '
' I can, sir,' answered I.
'Well, jump down into the punt there, and row her
round the point to the stairs. Be quick ! down with you !
I have cut my hand, and cannot help you. There, that 's
it, my lad ! catch the ring ; swing yourself a little more
to the right ; her gunwale is just beneath your foot ; all
right now! well done! Be alive now! give way, give
way!' and thus encouraging me, he walked along the
parapet above me, and in a few minutes stood fast, calling
92 THE CONFESSIONS OF
out, but in a lower and more cautious voice, ' There !
close in, now a strong pull — that's it!' and then hastily
descending a narrow flight of steps, he sprang into the
boat, and seated himself in the stern. 'Hush! be still!'
cried he, 'do not stir! they'll never see us under the
shadow of the wall ! '
As he spoke, two dark figures mounted the wall,
straight above our heads, and stood for some seconds as
it were peering into the distance.
'I'll swear I saw him take this way,' cried one, in a
deep low voice.
' If he were the devil himself he could not escape us
here,' said the other, with an accent of vindictive passion.
' And he is the devil,' said the former speaker.
' Pooh, nonsense, man ! any fellow who can win at dice,
or has a steady finger with a pistol, is a marvel for you.
Curses on him ! he has given us the slip somehow.'
' I 'd not wonder, Harry, if he has taken the water ; he
swims like a duck ! '
'He could not have sprung from a height like that
without a plash, and we were close enough upon his heels
to hear it ; flash off some powder in a piece of paper ; it is
dark as pitch here.'
While the men above were preparing their light, I
heard a slight stir in the stern of the boat. I turned my
head and saw my companion coolly fitting a cap on his
pistol; he was doing it with difficulty, as he was obliged
to hold the pistol between his knees, while he adjusted
the cap with his left hand; the right hand he carried in
the breast of his coat. Nothing could be more calm and
collected than his every movement, up to the instant
when, having cocked the weapon, he lay back in the
boat so as to have a full stare at the two dark figures
above us.
At last, the fuse was ready, and being lighted, it was
held for a few seconds in the hand, and then thrown into
the air. The red and lurid glare flashed full upon two
CON CREGAN 93
savage-looking faces, straight above our heads, and for
an instant showed their figures with all the distinctness
of noonday. I saw them both, as if by a common im-
pulse, lean over the parapet and peer down into the dark
water below; and I could have almost sworn that we
were discovered ; my companion evidently thought so too,
for he raised his pistol steadily, and took a long and
careful aim. What a moment was that for me — expecting
at every instant to hear the report, and then the heavy
fall of the dead man into the water ! My throat was full
to bursting. The bit of burning paper of the fuse had
fallen on my companion's pistol hand, but though it must
have scorched him, he never stirred, nor even brushed it
off. I thought that by its faint flicker, also, we might
have been seen; but no, it was plain they had not per-
ceived us; and it was with a delight I cannot describe
that I saw one and then the other descend from the wall,
while I heard the words, 'There's the second time above
five hundred pounds has slipped from us. D n the
fellow ! but if I hang for him, 1 11 do it yet ! '
' Well, you 've spoiled his hand for hazard for a while,
anyhow, Harry ! ' said the other. ' I think you must have
taken his fingers clean off ! '
' The knife was like a razor,' replied the other, with a
laugh; 'but he struck it out of my hand with a blow
above the wrist ; and, I can tell you, I 'd as soon get the
kick of a horse as a short stroke of the same closed fist.'
They continued to converse as they moved away,
but their words only reached me in broken, unconnected
sentences. From all I could glean, however, I was in
company with one of enormous personal strength, and
of most reckless intrepidity. At last, all was still — not a
sound to be heard on any side ; and my companion,
leaning forward, said, 'Come, my lad, pull me out a
short distance into the offing; we shall soon see a light
to guide us.'
In calm, still water I could row well. I had been boat-
94 THE CONFESSIONS OF
boy to the priest at all his autumn fishing excursions
on the Westmeath Lakes, so that I acquitted myself
creditably, urged on, I am free to confess, by a very
profound fear of the large figure who loomed so
mysteriously in the stern. For a time we proceeded
in deep silence, when at last he said, 'What vessel do
you belong to, boy ? '
' I was never at sea, sir,' replied I.
' Not a sailor ! how comes it, then, you can row so well ? '
' I learned to row in fresh water, sir,'
' What are you ? How came you to be here to-night ? '
' By merest chance, sir. I had no money to pay for a
bed. I have neither home nor friends. I have lived by
holding horses, and running errands, in the streets.'
'Picking pockets occasionally, I suppose, too, when
regular business was dull ! '
' Never ! ' said I indignantly.
' Don't be shocked, my fine fellow ! ' said he jeeringly ;
'better men than ever you'll be have done a little that
way. I have made some lighter this evening myself, for
the matter of that ! '
This confession, if very frank, was not very reassuring, and
so I made no answer, but rowed away with all my might.
' Well ! ' said he, after a pause, ' luck has befriended me
twice to-night, and sending you to sleep under that wall
was not the worst turn of the two. Ship your oars, there,
boy, and let us see if you are as handy a surgeon as you are
a sailor. Try and bind up these wounded fingers of mine,
for they begin to smart with the cold night air.'
'Wait an instant,' cried he; 'we are safe now, so you
may light this lantern'; and he took from his pocket a
small and most elegantly fashioned lantern, which he
immediately lighted.
I own it was with a most intense curiosity I waited for
the light to scan the features of my singular companion ;
nor was my satisfaction inconsiderable when, instead of
the terrific - looking fellow — half bravo, half pirate — I
CON CREGAN 95
expected, I perceived before me a man of apparently
thirty-one or two, with large but handsome features and
gentlemanly appearance. He had an immense beard and
moustache, which united at either side of the mouth ; but
this, ferocious enough to one unaccustomed to it, could not
take off the quiet regularity and good-humour of his manly
features. He wore a large-brimmed, slouched felt-halt,
that shaded his brows ; and he seemed to be dressed with
some care beneath the rough exterior of a common pilot
coat; at least he wore silk stockings and shoes, as if in
evening dress.
These particulars I had time to note, while he unwound
from his crippled hand the strips of a silk handkerchief,
which, stiffened and clotted with blood, bespoke a deep and
severe wound.
If the operation were often painful, even to torture,
he never winced, or permitted the slightest expression of
suffering to escape him. At last the undressing was com-
pleted, and a fearful gash appeared, separating the four
fingers almost entirely from the hand. The keenness of
cut showed that the weapon must have been, as the fellow
averred, sharp as a razor. Perhaps the copious loss of
blood had exhausted the vessels, or the tension of the
bandage had closed them, for there was little bleeding, and
I soon succeeded, with the aid of his cravat, in making a
tolerable dressing of the wound, and by filling up the palm
of the hand, as I had once seen done by a country surgeon
in a somewhat similar case. The pain was relieved by
the gentle support afforded.
' Why, you are a most accomplished vagrant ! ' said he,
laughing, as he watched the artistic steps of my proceeding.
'What 's your name ? — I mean, what do you go by at present ?
for of course a fellow like you has a score of aliases.'
'I have had only one name up to this,' said I — 'Con
Cregan.'
' Con Cregan ! sharp and shrewd enough it sounds, too ! '
said he ; ' and what line of life do you mean to follow,
96 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
Master Con? for I suspect you have not been without
some speculations on the subject.'
' I have thought of various things, sir ; but how is a poor
boy like me to get a chance ? I feel as if I could pick up a
little of most trades, but I have no money, nor any friends.'
' Money — friends ! ' exclaimed he, with a burst of bitter-
ness, quite unlike his previous careless humour. 'Well,
my good fellow, I had both one and the other — more than
most people are supposed to have of either — and what
have they brought me to ? ' he held up his maimed and
blood-clotted hand, as he spoke this with a withering
scorn in every accent.
' No, my boy ! trust one who knows something of life —
the lighter you start the easier your journey ! He that sets
his heart on it can always make money ; and friends, as they
are called by courtesy, are still more easily acquired.'
This was the first time I had ever heard any one speak
of the game of life, as such ; and I cannot say what intense
pleasure the theme afforded me. I am certain I never
stopped to consider whether his views were right or not —
whether the shrewd results of a keen observer, or the
prejudices of a disappointed man. It was the subject, the
matter discussed, delighted me.
My companion appeared to feel that he had a willing
listener, and went freely on canvassing the various roads
to success, and with a certain air of confidence in all he
said that to me seemed quite oracular. 'What a fellow
am I,' said he at last, ' to discourse in this strain to a street
urchin, whose highest ambition is to outrun his ragged
competitors, and be first "in" for the sixpence of some
cantering cornet. Pull ahead, lad, there 's the light at last ;
and hang me if they 're not two miles out ! '
The contemptuous tone of the last few words effectually
repressed any desire I might have had for further colloquy,
and I rowed away in silence, putting forth all my strength
and skill, so that the light skiff darted rapidly and steadily
through the water.
SIR DUDLEY BROUGHTON
TEADILY, and with all the vigour I
could command, I pulled towards the
light. My companion sat quietly-
watching the stars, and apparently-
following out some chain of thought to
himself ; at last he said, ' There, boy,
breathe a bit, there 's no need to blow yourself, we 're all
safe long since ; the Firefly is right ahead of us, and not
far off either. Have you never heard of the yacht ? '
'Never, sir.'
' Nor of its owner, Sir Dudley Broughton ? '
' No, sir, I never heard the name.'
' Well, come,' cried he, laughing, ' that is consolatory.
I 'm not half so great a reprobate as I thought myself ! I
did not believe till now that there was an urchin of your
stamp living who could not have furnished at least some
13 G
98 THE CONFESSIONS OF
ancedotes for a memoir of me! Well, my lad, yonder,
where you see the blue light at the peak, is the Firefly, and
here, where I sit, is Sir Dudley Broughton. Ten minutes
more will put us alongside, so, if you're not tired, pull
away.'
'No, Sir Dudley,' said I, for I was well versed in the
popular tact of catching up a name quickly, ' I am able to
row twice as far.'
' And now, Master Con,' said he, ' we are going to part ;
are you too young a disciple of your craft for a glass of
grog ? or are you a follower of that newfangled notion of
pale-faced politicians, who like bad coffee and reason better
than whisky and fun ? '
' 1 11 take nothing to drink, Sir Dudley,' said I. ' I have
dined, and drunk well to-day, and I '11 not venture further.'
' As you please ; only I say you 're wrong not to victual
the ship whenever you stand inshore. No matter, put
your hand into this vest pocket — you '11 find some shillings
there, take them, whatever they be. You '11 row the boat
back with one of my people ; and all I have to say is, if you
do speak of me, as no doubt you will and must, don't say
anything about these smashed fingers; I suppose they'll
get right one of these days, and I 'd rather there was no
gossip about them.'
' I '11 never speak of it — I '
'There now, that's enough, no swearing, or I know
you '11 break your promise. Back water a little — pull the
starboard oar : so, here we are alongside.'
Sir Dudley had scarce done speaking when a hoarse
voice from the yacht challenged us. This was replied to
by a terrific volley of imprecations on the stupidity of not
sooner showing the light, amid which Sir Dudley ascended
the side and stood upon the deck. ' Where 's Halkett ? '
cried he imperiously. ' Here, sir,' replied a short, thickset
man, with a sailorlike shuffle in his walk. 'Send one of
the men back with the gig, and land that boy. Tell the
fellow, too, he's not to fetch Waters aboard if he meets
CON CREGAN 99
him ; the scoundrel went off and left me to my fate this
evening, and it might have been no pleasant one if I had
not found that lad yonder.'
'We have all Sam Waters' kit on board, Sir Dudley,'
said Halkett ; ' shall we send it ashore ? '
' No. Tell him I '11 leave it at Demerara for him, and he
may catch the yellow fever in looking after it,' said he,
laughing.
While listening to this short dialogue I had contrived
to approach a light which gleamed from the cabin window,
and then took the opportunity to count over my wealth,
amounting, as I supposed, to some seven or eight shillings.
Guess my surprise to see that the pieces were all bright
yellow gold — eight shining sovereigns !
I had but that instant made the discovery, when the
sailor who was to put me on shore jumped into the boat
and seated himself.
' Wait one instant,' cried I. ' Sir Dudley — Sir Dudley
Broughton ! '
' Well, what 's the matter ? ' said he, leaning over the side.
' This money you gave me '
1 Not enough, of course ! I ought to have known that,'
said he scornfully. ' Give the whelp a couple of half-
crowns, Halkett, and send him adrift.'
' You 're wrong, sir,' cried I, with passionate eagerness ;
' they are gold pieces — sovereigns ! '
'The devil they are!' cried he, laughing; 'the better
luck yours. Why didn't you hold your tongue about it ? '
' You bid me take some shillings, sir,' answered I.
' How d d honest you must be ! Do you hear that,
Halkett ? the fellow had scruples about taking his prize-
money. Never mind, boy, I must pay for my blunder —
you may keep them now.'
' I have pride, too,' cried I, ' and hang me if I touch them.'
He stared at me, without speaking, for a few minutes,
and then said in a low flat voice, ' Come on deck, lad.' I
obeyed ; and he took a lighted lantern from the binnacle
100 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and held it up close to my face, and then moved it, so that
he made a careful examination of my whole figure.
' I 'd give a crown to know who was your father,' said
he dryly.
' Con Cregan, of Kilbeggan, sir.'
' Oh, of course, I know all that. Come, now, what say
you to try a bit of life afloat ? Will you stay here ? '
' Will you take me, sir ? ' cried I in ecstasy.
' Halkett, rig him out,' said he shortly. ' Nip the
anchor with the ebb, and keep your course down channel.'
With this he descended the cabin stairs and disappeared,
while I, at a signal from Halkett, stepped down the
ladder into the steerage. In the meanwhile, it will not
be deemed digressionary if I devote a few words to the
singular character into whose society I was now thrown,
inasmuch as to convey any candid narrative of my own
career, I must speak of those who, without influencing
the main current of my life, yet certainly gave some
impulse and direction to its first meanderings.
Sir Dudley Broughton was the only son of a wealthy
baronet, who, not from affection or overkindness, but out
of downright indolent indifference, permitted him, first as
an Eton boy, and afterwards as a gentleman commoner of
Christ Church, to indulge in every dissipation that suited
his fancy. An unlimited indulgence, a free command of
whatever money he asked for, added to a temper con-
stitutionally headstrong and impetuous, soon developed
what might have been expected from the combination.
He led a life of wild insubordination at school, and was
expelled from Oxford. With faculties above rather than
beneath mediocrity, and a certain aptitude for acquiring
the knowledge most in request in society, he had the
reputation of being one who, if he had not unhappily so
addicted himself to dissipation, would have made a
favourable figure in the world. After trying in vain to
interest himself in the pursuits of a country life, of which
the sporting was the only thing he found attractive, he
CON CREGAN 101
joined a well-known light cavalry regiment, celebrated for
numbering among its officers more fast men than any
other corps in the service. His father, dying about the same
time, left him in possession of a large fortune, which, with
all his extravagance, was but slightly encumbered. This
fact, coupled with his well-known reputation, made him
popular with his brother officers, most of whom having
run through nearly all they possessed, saw with pleasure
a new Crcesus arrive in the regiment. Such a man as
Broughton was just wanted, One had a charger to get
off ; another wanted a purchaser for his four-in-hand drag.
The senior captain was skilful at billiards ; and every one
played ' Lansquenet ' and hazard.
Besides various schemes against his purse, the colonel
had a still more serious one against his person. He had a
daughter, a handsome, fashionable-looking girl, with all
the manners of society, and a great deal of that tact only
to be acquired in the very best foreign society. That she
was no longer in the fresh bloom of youth, nor with a
reputation quite spotless, were matters well known in the
regiment; but as she was still eminently handsome, and
' the Count Radchoff sky ' had been recalled by the emperor
from the embassy of which he was secretary, Lydia
Delmar was likely, in the opinions of keen-judging
parties, to make a good hit with 'some young fellow
who didn't know town.' Broughton was exactly the man
Colonel Delmar wanted — good family, a fine fortune, and
the very temper a clever woman usually contrives to rule
with absolute sway.
There would be, unfortunately, no novelty in recording
the steps by which such a man is ruined. He did every-
thing that men do who are bent upon testing Fortune to
the utmost. He lent large sums to his ' friends ' ; he lost
larger ones to them. When he did win, none ever paid
him, except by a good-humoured jest upon his credit at
Coutts'. ' What the devil do you want with money, Sir
Dudley?' was an appeal he could never reply to. He
102 THE CONFESSIONS OF
ran horses at Ascot, and got 'squeezed' — he played at
' Croeky's,' and fared no better ; but he was the favourite
of the corps. 'We could never get on without Dudley,'
was a common remark, and it satisfied him, that, with all
his extravagance, he had made an investment in the
hearts at least of his comrades. A few months longer of
this ' fast ' career would, in all likelihood, have ruined him.
He broke his leg by a fall in a steeplechase, and thus was
driven, by sheer necessity, to lay up, and keep quiet for a
season. Now came Colonel Delmar's opportunity; the
moment the news reached Coventry, he set off with his
daughter to Leamington. With the steeplechasing,
hazard-playing, betting, drinking, yachting, driving Sir
Dudley, there was no chance or even time for their plans ;
but with a sick man on the sofa, bored by his inactivity,
hipped for want of his usual resources, the game was open.
The colonel's visit, too, had such an air of true kindness !
Broughton had left quarters without leave ; but, instead
of reprimands, arrests, and Heaven knows what besides,
there was Colonel Delmar — the fine old fellow, shaking
his finger in mock rebuke, and saying, 'Ah, Dudley, my
boy, I came down to give you a rare scolding, but this
sad business has saved you ! ' And Lydia also, against
whom he had ever felt a dislike — that prejudice your
boisterous and noisy kind of men ever feel to clever
women, whose sarcasms they know themselves exposed
to — why, she was gentle good-nature and easy sisterlike
kindness itself ! She did not, as the phrase goes, ' nurse
him ' ; but she seldom left the room where he lay. She
read aloud, selecting with a marvellous instinct the very
kind of books he fancied. Novels, tales of everyday life,
things of whose truthfulness he could form some judg-
ment; and sketches wherein the author's views were
about on a level with his own. She would sit at the
window, too, and amuse him with descriptions of the
people passing in the street ; such smart shrewd pictures
were they of watering - place folks and habits, Dudley
CON CREGAN 103
never tired of them ! She was unsurpassed for the style
with which she could dress up an anecdote or a bit of
gossip ; and if it verged upon the free, her French educa-
tion taught her the nice perception of the narrow line
that separates ' libertinage ' from indelicacy.
So far from feeling impatient at his confinement to
a sofa, therefore, Broughton affected distrust in his
renovated limb for a full fortnight after the doctor had
pronounced him cured. At last he was able to drive out,
and soon afterwards to take exercise on horseback, Lydia
Delmar and her father occasionally accompanying him.
People will talk at Leamington, as they do at other
places ; and so the gossips said that the rich — for he was
still so reputed in the world — the ' rich ' Sir Dudley
Broughton was going to marry Miss Delmar.
Gossip is half-brother to that all-powerful director
called Public Opinion; so that when Sir Dudley heard,
some half-dozen times every day, what it was reputed
he would do, he began to feel that he ought to do it.
Accordingly they were married ; the world — at least
the Leamington section of that large body — criticising the
match precisely as it struck the interests and prejudices of
the class they belonged to.
Fathers and mothers agreed in thinking that Colonel
Delmar was a shrewd old soldier, and had made an ' ex-
cellent hit.' Young ladies pronounced Liddy — for a girl
who had been out eight years — decidedly lucky. Lounging
men at club doors looked knowingly at each other as
they joked together in half sentences, ' No affair of mine ;
but I did not think Broughton would have been caught
so easily.' ' Yes, by Jove ! ' cried another, with a jockey like
style of dress, ' he 'd not have made so great a mistake on
the " Oaks " as to run an aged nag for a two-year-old ! '
' I wonder he never heard of that Russian fellow ! ' said
a third.
' Oh, yes ! ' sighed out a dandy, with an affected drawl ;
' poor dear Liddy did, indeed, catch a " Tartar ! "
104 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Remarks such as these were the pleasant sallies the
event provoked ; but so it is in higher and greater things
in life. At the launch of a line-of -battle ship, the veriest
vagrant in rags fancies he can predict for her defeat and
shipwreck !
The Broughtons were now the great people of the
London season, at least to a certain 'fast' set, who
loved dinners at the ' Clarendon,' high play, and other
concomitant pleasures. Her equipages were the most
perfect ; her diamonds the most splendid ; while his
dinners were as much reputed by one class as her toilette
by another.
Loans at ruinous interest ; sales of property for a tithe
of its value; bills renewed at a rate that would have
swamped Rothschild; purchases made at prices propor-
tionate to the risk of non-payment ; reckless waste every-
where ; robbing solicitors, cheating tradesmen, and dis-
honest servants ! But why swell the list, or take trouble
to show how the ruin came ? If one bad leak will cause a
shipwreck, how is the craft to mount the waves with every
plank riven asunder ?
If, among the patriarchs who lend at usury, Broughton's
credit was beginning to ebb, in the clubs at the West End,
in the betting-ring, at Crockf ord's, and at Tattersall's, he
was in all the splendour of his former fame. Anderson
would trust him with half his stable. Howell and James
would send him the epergne they had designed for a czar.
And so he lived. With rocks and breakers ahead, he only
' carried on ' the faster and the freer.
Not that he knew, indeed, the extent, or anything
approaching the extent, to which his fortune was wrecked.
All that he could surmise on the subject was founded on
the increased difficulty he found in raising money — a
circumstance his pliant solicitor invariably explained by
that happy phrase, the 'tightness of the money-market.'
This completely satisfied Sir Dudley, who, far from attri-
buting it to his own almost exhausted resources, laid all
CON CREGAN 105
the blame upon some trickery of foreign statesmen, some
confounded disturbance in Ireland, something that the
Foreign Secretary had done, or would not do ; and that
thus the money folk would not trust a guinea out of
their fingers. In fact, it was quite clear that to political
intrigue and cabinet scheming all Sir Dudley's difficulties
might fairly be traced !
It was just at this time that the Count Radchoffsky
arrived once more in London in charge of a special mis-
sion. No longer the mere secretary of embassy, driving
about in his quiet cab, but an envoy extraordinary, with
cordons and crosses innumerable. He was exactly the
kind of man for Broughton's ' set,' so that he soon made
his acquaintance, and was presented by him to Lady
Broughton as a most agreeable fellow, and something
very distinguished in his own country.
She received him admirably — remembered to have met
him, she thought, at Lord Edenbury's ; but he corrected
her by saying it was at the Duke of Clifton's— a difference
of testimony at which Broughton laughed heartily, saying,
in his usual rough way, ' Well, it is pretty clear you didn't
make much impression on each other.'
The Russian noble was a stranger to the turf. In the
details of arranging the approaching race, in apportioning
the weights, and ages, and distances, Broughton passed
his whole mornings for a month, sorely puzzled at times
by the apathy of his northern friend, who actually never
obtruded an opinion, or expressed a wish for information
on the subject.
Sir Dudley's book was a very heavy one, too. What ' he
stood to win ' was a profound secret ; but knowing men
said that if he lost it would be such a ' squeeze ' as had not
been known at Newmarket since the Duke of York's
day.
Such an event, however, seemed not to enter into his
own calculations ; and so confident was he of success, that
he could not help sharing his good fortune with his friend
106 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Radchoffsky, and giving him something in his own book.
The count professed himself everlastingly grateful, but
confessed that he knew nothing of racing matters; and
that, above all, his Majesty the Emperor would be exces-
sively annoyed if a representative of his in any way inter-
fered with the race ; in fact, the honour of the Czar would
be tarnished by such a proceeding. Against such reason-
ings there could be no opposition; and Broughton only
took to himself all the benefits he had destined for his
friend.
At last the eventful day came ; and although Sir Dudley
had arranged that Lady Broughton should accompany
him to the course, she was taken with some kind of ner-
vous attack that prevented her leaving her bed. Her
husband was provoked at this ill-timed illness, for he was
still vain of her appearance in public ; but knowing that
he could do nothing for hysterics, he sent for Doctor
Barham; and then with all speed he started for the
race.
Among the friends who were to go along with him, the
count had promised to make one; but despatches — that
admirable excuse of diplomatists, from the great secretary
to the humblest unpaid attache — despatches had just
arrived, and if he could manage to get through his
business early enough, ' he 'd certainly follow.'
Scarcely had Sir Dudley reached the ground when a
carriage drove up to the stand, and a gentleman descended
in all haste. It was Mr. Taperton, his solicitor — his trusty
man of loans and discounts for many a day. ' Eh, Tappy ! '
cried Broughton, ' come to sport a fifty on the filly ? '
'Walk a little this way, Sir Dudley,' said he gravely;
and his voice soon convinced the hearer that something
serious was in the wind.
'What's the matter, man? You look as if Cardinal
was dead-lame.'
' Sir Dudley, you must start from this at once. Holds-
worth has taken proceedings on the bills ; Lord Corthern
CON CREGAN 107
has foreclosed ; the whole body of the creditors are up, and
you '11 be arrested before you leave the field ! '
If the threat had conveyed the ignominious penalty of
felony, Broughton could not have looked more indignant.
' Arrested ! You don't mean that we cannot raise enough
to pay these rascals ? '
' Your outstanding bills are over twenty thousand, sir.'
' And if they be ; do you tell me that with my estate '
' My dear Sir Dudley, how much of it is unencumbered ?
what single portion, save the few hundreds a year of Lady
Broughton's jointure, is not sunk under mortgage ? But
this is no time for discussion ; get into the chaise with me ;
we '11 reach London in time for the mail ; to-morrow you
can be in Boulogne, and then we shall have time at least
for an arrangement.'
' The race is just coming off ! how can I leave ? I 'm a
steward ; besides, I have a tremendous book. Do you
know how many thousands I stand to win here ? '
' To lose, you mean,' said the solicitor. ' You 're sold ! '
The words were whispered so low as to be almost inaudible,
but Broughton actually staggered as he heard them.
' Sold ! how ? what ? impossible, man ! who could sell
me?'
' Only one man, perhaps ; but he has done it ! Is it
true you have backed Calliope ? '
' Yes ! ' said he, staring wildly.
' She was found hamstrung this morning in the stable,
then,' said Taperton ; ' if you want to hear further partic-
ulars you must ask your friend the Count Radchoffsky ! '
' The scoundrel ! the black-hearted villain ! I see it all ! '
cried Broughton. ' Come, Taperton, let us start ! I '11 go
with you; by Jove, you have found a way to make me
eager for the road ! '
The lawyer read in the bloodshot eye, and flushed face,
the passion for vengeance that was boiling within him ;
but he never spoke as they moved on and entered the
carriage.
108 THE CONFESSIONS OF
It was full three hours before the expected time of his
return when the chaise in which they travelled drew up
at the 'Clarendon,' and Broughton, half wild with rage,
dashed upstairs to the suite of splendid rooms he
occupied.
' Oh dear, Sir Dudley ! ' cried the maid, as she saw him
hastening along the corridor ; ' oh, I 'm sure, sir, how you '11
alarm my lady if she sees you so flurried ! '
'Stand out of the way, woman!' said he roughly,
endeavouring to push her to one side, for she had actually
placed herself between him and the door of the drawing-
room.
' Surely, sir, you '11 not terrify my lady ! Surely, Sir
Dudley '
Despite her cries, for they had now become such,
Broughton pushed her rudely from the spot, and entered
the room.
Great was his astonishment to find Lady Broughton,
whom he had left so ill, not only up, but dressed as if for
the promenade ; her face was flushed, and her eye restless
and feverish, and her whole manner exhibited the highest
degree of excitement.
Broughton threw down his hat upon the table, and then
returning to the door, locked and bolted it.
' Good heavens, Dudley ! ' exclaimed she, in a voice of
terror. ' What has happened ? '
' Everything ! ' said he ; ' utter ruin ! The whole crew of
creditors are in full chase after me, and in a few hours we
shall be stripped of all we possess.'
She drew a long full breath as she listened ; and had
her husband been in a mood to mark it, he might have
seen how lightly his terrible tidings affected her.
' I must fly ! Taperton — he 's in the carriage below — says
France, at least for some weeks, till we can make some
compromise or other ; but I have one debt that must be
acquitted before I leave.'
There was a terrible significance in the words, and
CON CREGAN 109
she was sick to the heart as she asked, 'What, and to
whom ? '
' Radchoffsky ! ' cried he savagely ; ' that scoundrel whom
I trusted like a brother ! '
Lady Broughton fell back, and for a moment her
motionless limbs and pallid features seemed like fainting ;
but with a tremendous effort rallying herself, she said,
'Goon!'
' He betrayed me ! told every circumstance of my book !
and the mare I had backed for more than thirty thousand
is dying this instant! so that I am not only ruined, but
dishonoured ! '
She sat with wide staring eyes and half-open lips
while he spoke, nor did she seem, in the fearful confusion
of her fear, to understand fully all he said.
' Have I not spoken plainly ? ' said he angrily ; ' don't
you comprehend me, when I say that to-morrow I shall be
branded as a defaulter at the settling? But enough of
this. Tell Millar to get a portmanteau ready for me. I '11
start this evening ; the interval is short enough for all I
have to do.' As he spoke, he hastened to his bedroom, and
providing himself with a case containing his duelling
pistols, he hurried downstairs, ordering the postillion to
drive to the Russian Embassy.
The carriage was scarce driven from the door when
Lady Broughton, taking a key from her pocket, opened a
small door which led from the drawing-room into her
dressing-room, from which the count walked forth — his
calm features unruffled and easy as though no emotion
had ever stirred them.
'You heard what Broughton said?' whispered she, in
an accent of faltering agitation.
' Oui, parbleu, every word of it ! ' replied he, laughing
gently. ' The people of the house might almost have heard
him.'
'And is it true?' asked she, while a cold sickness crept
over her, and her mouth was shaken convulsively.
110 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' I believe so,' said he calmly.
' Oh, Alexis, do not say so ! ' cried she, in an agony of
grief; ' or, least of all, in such a voice as that.'
He shrugged his shoulders, and then, after a moment's
pause, said, 'I confess myself quite unprepared for this
show of affection, madame '
'Not so, Alexis. It is for you I am concerned — for
your honour as a gentleman, for your fair fame among
men '
' Pardon, madame, if I interrupt you ; but the defence
of my honour must be left to myself '
' If I had but thought this of you '
' It is never too late for repentance, madame. I should
be sorry to think I could deceive you.'
' Oh, it is too late ! far too late ! ' cried she, bursting
into tears. ' Let us go ! I must never see him again ! I
would not live over that last half -hour again to save me
from a death of torture ! '
1 Allow me, then,' said he, taking her shawl and draping
it on her shoulders, ' the carriage is ready ' ; and with
these words, spoken with perfect calm, he presented his
arm and led her from the room.
To return to Sir Dudley. On arriving at the Russian
Embassy he could learn nothing of the whereabouts of
him he sought ; a young secretary, however, with whom
he had some intimacy, drawing him to one side, whispered,
1 Wait here a moment ; I have a strange revelation to make
you, but in confidence, remember, for it must not get
abroad.' The story was this: — Count Radchoffsky had
been, on his recall from the Embassy, detected in some
Polish intrigue, and ordered to absent himself from the
capital, and preserve a life of strict retirement, under
police ' surveillance ' ; from this he had managed to
escape and reach England, with forged credentials of
Envoy Extraordinary, the mission being an invention of
his own to gain currency in the world, and obtain for
him loans of large sums from various houses in the ' City.'
CON CREGAN 111
'As he knows,' continued Broughton's informant, 'from
his former experience, the day of our courier's expected
arrival, he has up to this lived fearlessly and openly ; but
the despatch having reached us through the French cabinet
sooner than he expected, his plot is revealed. The great
difficulty is to avoid all publicity; for we must have no
magisterial interference, no newspaper or police notoriety ;
all must be done quietly, and he must be shipped off to
Russia without a rumour of the affair getting abroad.'
Broughton heard all this with the dogged satisfaction
of a man who did not well know whether to be pleased or
otherwise that an object of personal vengeance had been
withdrawn from him.
But not accustomed to dwell long on any subject where
the main interest of his own line of action was wanting,
he drove home to his hotel to hasten the preparations for
his departure. On his arrival at the ' Clarendon,' a certain
bustle and movement in the hall and on the stairs attracted
his attention, and before he could inquire the cause, a half-
whisper, ' There he is ; that 's Sir Dudley ! ' made him turn
round; the same instant a heavy hand was laid on his
shoulder, and a man said, ' I arrest you, Sir Dudley
Broughton, at the suit of Messrs. Worrit and Sneare,
Lombard Street.'
' Be calm ; don't make any resistance,' whispered Taper-
ton in his ear ; ' come upstairs.' They passed on and
entered the drawing-room, where everything appeared
in disorder. As for Broughton, he was bewildered and
stupefied by all he had gone through, and sat in a chair
staring vacantly at the groups around him, evidently
unable, through the haze of his disordered faculties, to
see clearly how, and in what, he was interested in the
affair.
' Where 's my lady ? ' whispered Taperton to the valet,
who stood almost as spell-bound as his master.
' Gone, sir ; she 's gone,' said the man, in a faint voice.
' Gone where ? scoundrel ! ' said Sir Dudley, jumping up
112 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and seizing him by the throat with both hands, while he
roared out the words with a savage vehemence that
startled all the room.
' Gone away, Sir Dudley,' said the half -choking man ;
' I saw her drive off in a chaise and pair with Count
Radchoffsky.'
Broughton let go his hold, and fell heavily upon his
face to the ground. A surgeon was called in, who at once
perceived that the attack was one of apoplexy. For that
night, and part of the next day, his recovery was almost
hopeless; for, though repeatedly bled, he gave no signs
of returning animation, but lay heaving, at intervals, long
heavy sighs, and respiring with an effort that seemed to
shake the strong frame in convulsions.
Youth and bold remedies, however, favoured him, and
on the third morning he awoke, weak and weary, like one
who had just reached convalescence after a long and
terrible fever. His features, his gestures, his very voice,
were all altered ; there was a debility about him — mental
and physical — that seemed like premature decay ; and they
who knew the bold, high-spirited man of a few days
before, could never have recognised him in the simple-
looking, vacant, and purposeless invalid, who sat there,
to all seeming, neither noticing nor caring what happened
around him. It is true, indeed, few essayed the com-
parison. Of those who visited him the greater number
were creditors, curious to speculate on his recovery ; there
were a couple of reporters, too, for gossiping newspapers,
desirous of coining a paragraph to amuse the town; but
no friends — not a man of those who dined, and drank, and
drove, and played with him. In fact, his fate was soon for-
gotten even in the very circles of which he had been the
centre ; nor did his name ever meet mention, save in some
stale report of a bankruptcy examination, or a meeting
of creditors to arrange for the liquidation of his debts.
The wasteful, heedless extravagance of his mode of
living was urged even to vindictiveness by his creditors ;
COX C REGAN 113
so that for three years he remained a prisoner in the
Fleet ; and it was only when they saw he had no feeling
of either shame or regret at his imprisonment, that an
arrangement was at last agreed to, and he was liberated —
set free to mix in a world in which he had not one tie to
bind, or one interest to attach him !
From that hour forth none ever knew how far his
memory retained the circumstances of his past life ; he
never certainly mentioned them to any of those with
whom he formed companionship ; nor did he renew
acquaintance with one among his former friends. By
great exertions on the part of his lawyers, almost a
thousand a year was secured to him from the wreck of
his great fortune, the proceeds of a small estate that had
belonged to his mother.
On this income he lived some time in total seclusion,
when, to the astonishment of all, he was again seen about
town, in company with men of the most equivocal
character : noted gamblers at hells. ' Legs of Newmarket,'
and others, to whom report attributed bolder and more
daring feats of iniquity. "While it was a debated point
among certain fashionables of the clubs how far he "was
to be recognised by them, he saved them all the difficulty
by passing his most intimate friends "without a bow, or
the slightest sign of recognition. A stern, repulsive frown
never left his features: and he whose frank, light-hearted
buoyancy had been a proverb, was grave and silent, rarely
admitting anything like an intimacy, and avoiding what-
ever could be called a friendship.
After a while he was missed from his accustomed
haunts, and it was said that he had purchased a yacht,
and amused himself by sea excursions. Then there came a
rumour of his being in the Carlist insurrection in Spain,
some said with a high command ; and afterwards he was
seen in a French voltigeur regiment serving in Africa.
From all these varied accidents of life he came back to
London, frequenting, as before, the same play-resorts, and
13 H
114 THE CONFESSIONS OF
betting sums whose amount often trenched upon the
limits of the bank. If, in his early life, he was a con-
stant loser, now he invariably won ; and he was actually
the terror of hell-keepers, whose superstitious fears of
certain 'lucky ones' are a well-known portion of their
creed.
As for himself, he seemed to take a kind of fiendish
sport in following up this new turn of fortune. It was
like a Nemesis on those who had worked his ruin! One
man in particular, a well-known Jew money-lender, of
great wealth, he pursued with all the vindictive per-
severance of revenge. He tracked him from London to
Brighton, to Cheltenham, to Leamington, to Newmarket,
to Goodwood; he followed him to Paris, to Brussels;
wherever in any city the man opened a table for play
there was Broughton sure to be found.
At last, by way of eluding all pursuit, the Jew went
over to Ireland — a country where of all others fewest
resources for his traffic presented themselves; and here
again, despite change of name, and every precaution of
secrecy, Broughton traced him out ; and on the night when
I first met him, he was on his return from a hell on the
Quays, where he had broken the bank, and arisen a winner
of above two thousand pounds.
The peculiar circumstances of that night's adventure
are easily told. He was followed from the play-table by
two men, witnesses of his good fortune, who saw that he
carried the entire sum on his person ; and from his manner
— a feint I found he often assumed — they believed him to
be drunk. A row was accordingly organised at the closing
of the play, the lights were extinguished, and a terrible
scene of tumult and outrage ensued, whose sole object was
to rob Broughton of his winnings.
After a desperate struggle, in which he received the
wound I have mentioned, he escaped by leaping from a
window into the street, a feat too daring for his assailants
to imitate. The remainder is already known ; and I
CON CREGAN
115
have only again to ask niy reader's indulgent pardon
for this long episode, without which, however, I felt I
could not have asked his companionship on board the
Firefly.
(Sh-v
the slash of a
most atrocious
about thirteen
THE VOYAGE OUT
The crew of the Firefly consisted of
twelve persons, natives of almost as
many countries. Indeed to see them
all muster on deck, it was like a little
congress of European rascality — such
a set of hang-dog, sullen, reckless
wretches were they, Halkett, the Eng-
lishman, being the only one whose
features were not a criminal indict-
ment, and he, with his nose split by
cutlass, was himself no beauty. The
of all, however, was a Moorish boy,
years of age, called El Jarasch (the
fiend), whose diabolical ugliness did not belie the family
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 117
name. His functions on board were to feed and take
care of two young lion whelps, which Sir Dudley had
brought with him from an excursion in the interior of
Africa. Whether from his blood, or the nature of his
occupation, I know not, but I certainly could trace in his
features all the terrible traits of the creatures he tended.
The wide distended nostrils, the bleared and bloodshot
eyes, the large full-lipped mouth, drawn back by the
strong muscles at its angles, and the great swollen vessels
of the forehead, were developed in him, as in the wild
beasts. He imitated the animals, too, in all his gestures,
which were sudden and abrupt; the very way he ate,
tearing his food and rending it in fragments, like a prey,
showed the type he followed. His dress was handsome,
almost gorgeous ; a white tunic of thin muslin reached
to the knees, over which he wore a scarlet cloth jacket,
open, and without sleeves — this was curiously slashed and
laced, by a wonderful tissue of gold thread, so delicately
traceried as to bear the most minute examination ; a belt
of burnished gold, like a succession of clasps, supported a
small scimitar, whose scabbard of ivory and gold was of
exquisite workmanship, the top of the handle being formed
by a single emerald of purest colour ; his legs were bare,
save at the ankles, where two rings of massive gold en-
circled them ; on his feet he wore a kind of embroidered
slippers, curiously studded with precious stones. A white
turban of muslin, delicately sprigged with gold, covered his
head, looped in front by another large emerald, which
glared and sparkled like an eye in the centre of his fore-
head.
This was his gala costume ; but his everyday one
resembled it in everything, save the actual value of the
material. Such was El Jarasch, who was to be my com-
panion and my messmate, a fact which seemed to afford
small satisfaction to either of us.
Nothing could less resemble his splendour than the
simplicity of my costume. Halkett, when ordered to
118 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'rig me out,' not knowing what precise place I was to
occupy on board, proceeded to dress me from the kit of
the sailor we had left behind in Dublin ; and although,
by rolling up the sleeves of my jacket, and performing
the same office for the legs of my trousers, my hands
and feet could be rendered available to me, no such
ready method could prevent the clothes bagging around
me in every absurd superfluity, and making me appear
more like a stunted monster than a human being. Beside
my splendidly costumed companion I made, indeed, but a
sorry figure, nor was it long dubious that he himself
thought so ; the look of savage contempt he first bestowed
on me, and then the gaze of ineffable pleasure he accorded
to himself afterwards, having a wide interval between
them. Neither did it improve my condition, in his eyes,
that I could lay claim to no distinct duty on board. While
I was ruminating on this fact, the morning after I joined
the yacht, we were standing under easy sail, with a bright
sky and a calm sea, the south-eastern coast of Ireland
on our lee, the heaving swell of the blue water, the flutter-
ing bunting from gaff and peak, the joyous bounding
motion, were all new and inspiriting sensations, and I was
congratulating myself on the change a few hours had
wrought in my fortune, when Halkett came to tell me
that Sir Dudley wanted to speak with me in his cabin.
He was lounging on a little sofa when I entered, in a loose
kind of dressing-gown, and before him stood the materials
of his yet untasted breakfast. The first effect of my
appearance was a burst of laughter, and although there
is nothing I have ever loved better to hear than a hearty
laugh, his was not of a kind to inspire any very pleasant
or mirthful sensations. It was a short, husky, barking
noise, with derision and mockery in every cadence of it.
' What the devil have we here ? Why, boy, you 'd dis-
grace a stone-lighter at Sheerness. Who rigged you in
that fashion ? '
' Mr. Halkett, sir.'
CON CREGAN 119
' Halkett, if you please ; I know no " misters " among
my crew. Well, this must be looked to; but Halkett
might have known better than to send you here in such a
guise.'
I made no answer ; and, apparently, for some minutes,
he forgot all about me, and busied himself in a large
chart, which covered the table. At last he looked up ; and
then, after a second or two spent in recalling me to his
recollection, said, ' Oh, you 're the lad I took up last night ;
very true ; I wanted to speak with you. What can you do,
besides what I have seen, for I trust surgery is an art we
shall seldom find use for — can you cook ? '
I was ashamed to say that I could boil potatoes and fry
rashers, which were all my culinary gifts, and so I replied
that ' I could not.'
'Have you never been in any service, or any kind of
employment ? '
' Never, sir.'
' Always a vagabond ? '
'Always, sir.'
' Well, certes, I have the luck of it ! ' said he, with one
of his low laughs. ' It is, perhaps, all the better. Come,
my boy, it does not seem quite clear to me what we can
make of you ; we have no time, nor, indeed, any patience
for making sailors of striplings ; we always prefer the
ready-made article, but you must pick up what you can ;
keep your watches when on board, and when you go ashore
anywhere, you shall be my scout ; therefore, don't throw
away your old rags, but be ready to resume them when
wanted — you hear ? '
'Yes, sir.'
' So far ! Now, the next thing is, and it is right you
should know it, though I keep a yacht for my pleasure
and amusement, I sometimes indulge myself in a little
smuggling — which is also a pleasure and amusement — and,
therefore, my people are liable, if detected, to be sentenced
to a smart term of imprisonment — not that this has yet
120 THE CONFESSIONS OF
happened to any of them, but it may, you know — so it is
only fair to warn you.'
' 1 11 take my chance with the rest, sir.'
'Well said, boy! There are other little ventures, too,
I sometimes make, but you 'd not understand them, so we
need not refer to them. Now, as to the third point —
discipline. So long as you are on board, I expect obedience
in everything ; that you agree with your messmates, and
never tell a lie. On shore, you may cut each other's throats
to your hearts' content. Remember, then, the lesson is
easy enough : if you quarrel with your comrades I '11 flog
you ; if you ever deceive my by an untruth, I '11 blow your
brains out ! ' The voice in which he spoke these last few
words grew harsher and louder ; and, at the end, it became
almost a shout of angry denunciation.
' For your private governance, I may say, you '11 find it
wise to be good friends with Halkett, and if you can, with
Jarasch. Go now, I 've nothing more to say.'
I was about to retire, when he called me back.
'Stay! you've said nothing to me, nor have I to you,
about your wages.'
' I want none, sir. It is enough for me if I am provided
in all money could buy for me.'
' No deceit, sir ! No trickery with me ! ' cried he fiercely,
and he glared savagely at me.
' It is not deceit nor trick either,' said I boldly ; ' but I
see, sir, it is not likely you'll ever trust one whom you
saw in the humble condition you found me. Land me,
then, at the first port you put in to. Leave me to follow
out my fortune my own way.'
' What if I take you at your word,' said he, ' and leave
you among the red Moors, on the coast of Barbary ? '
I hung my head in shame and dismay.
' Ay, or dropped you with the Tongo chiefs, who 'd grill
you for breakfast ? '
' But we are nigh England now, sir.'
'We shall not long be so,' cried he joyfully. 'If this
CON CREGAN 121
breeze last, you '11 see Cape Clear by sunrise, and not look
on it again at sunset. There, away with you ! Tell Halkett
I desire that you should be mustered with the rest of the
fellows, learn the use of a cutlass, and to load a pistol
without blowing your fingers off.'
He motioned me now to leave, and I withdrew, if I
must own it, only partially pleased with my new servitude.
One word here to explain my conduct, which, perhaps,
in the eyes of some, may appear inconsistent or im-
probable. It may be deemed strange and incomprehensible
why I, poor, friendless, and low-born, should have been
indifferent, even to the refusal of all wages. The fact is
this : I had set out upon my ' life pilgrimage ' with a
most firm conviction that one day or other, sooner or
later, I should be a ' gentleman ' ; that I should mix on
terms of equality with the best and the highest, not a
trace or a clue to my former condition being in any
respect discoverable. Now, with this one paramount
object before me, all my endeavours were gradually to
conform, so far as might be, all my modes of thought
and action to that sphere wherein yet I should move.
To learn, one by one, the usages of gentle blood, so that
when my hour came I should step into my position
ready suited to all its requirements, and equal to all its
demands. If this explanation does not make clear
the reasons of my generosity, and my other motives of
honourable conduct, I am sorry for it, for I have none
other to offer.
I have said that I retired from my interview with Sir
Dudley not at all satisfied with the result. Indeed, as I
pondered over it, I could not help feeling that gentlemen
must dislike any traits of high and honourable motives
in persons of my own station, as though they were
assuming the air of their betters. What could rags have
in common with generous impulses — how could poverty
and hunger ever consort with high sentiments or noble
aspirations ? They forgive us, thought I, when we mimic
122 THE CONFESSIONS OF
their dress, and pantomime their demeanour, because we
only make ourselves ridiculous by the imitation ; but when
we would assume the features that regulate their own
social intercourse they hate us, as though we sullied, with
our impure touch, the virtues of a higher class of beings.
The more I thought over this subject, the more strongly
was I satisfied that I was correct in my judgment; and,
sooth to say, the less did I respect that condition in life
which could deem any man too poor to be high-minded.
Sir Dudley's anticipations were all correct. The follow-
ing evening at sunset the great headlands of the south
of Ireland were seen, at first clear, and, at last, like
hazy fog-banks; while our light vessel scudded along,
her prow pointing to where the sun had just set, behind
the horizon, and then did I learn that we were bound for
North America.
Our voyage for some weeks was undistinguished by any
feature of unusual character. The weather was uniformly
fine ; steady breezes from the north-east, with a clear sky
and a calm sea, followed us as we went, so that, in the
pleasant monotony of our lives, one day exactly resembled
another. It will, therefore, suffice if, in a few words, I
tell how the hours were passed. Sir Dudley came on deck
after breakfast, when I spread out a large white bear's-
skin for him to lie upon; reclined on which, and with a
huge meerschaum of great beauty in his hand, he smoked
and watched the lions at play. These gambols were always
amusing, and never failed to assemble all the crew to
witness them. Jarasch, dressed in a light woollen tunic,
with legs, arms, and neck bare, led them forth by a chain ;
and, after presenting them to Sir Dudley, from whose
hands they usually received a small piece of sugar, they
were then set at liberty, a privilege they soon availed
themselves of, setting off at full speed around the deck,
sometimes one in pursuit of the other, sometimes by
different ways, crossing and recrossing each other; now
with a bold spring, now with catlike stealthiness, creeping
CON CREGAN 123
slowly past. The exercise, far from fatiguing, seemed only
to excite them more and more, since all this time they
were in search of the food which Jarasch, with a cunning
all his own, knew how, each day, to conceal in some new
fashion. Baffled and irritated by delay, the eyes grew
red and lustrous, the tails stiffened, and were either
carried high over the back or extended straight back-
wards ; they contracted their necks too, till the muscles
were gathered up in thick massive folds, and then their
great heads seemed actually fastened on the forepart
of the trunk. When their rage had been sufficiently
whetted by delay, Jarasch would bring forth the mess
in a large ' grog-tub,' covered with a massive lid, on
which seating himself, and armed with a short stout
bludgeon, he used to keep the beasts at bay. This,
"which was the most exciting part of the spectacle,
presented every possible variety of combat. Sometimes
he could hold them in check for nigh half an hour, some-
times the struggle would scarce last five minutes. Now,
he would, by a successful stroke, so intimidate one of
his assailants that he could devote all his energies against
the other. Now, by a simultaneous attack, the savage
creatures would spring upon and overthrow him, and
then, with all the semblance of ungovernable passion, they
would drag him some distance along the deck, mouthing
him with frothy lips, and striking him about the head
with their huge paws, from which they would not desist
till some of the sailors, uncovering the mess, would tempt
them off by the savour of the food. Although, in general,
these games passed off with little other damage than a
torn tunic, or a bruise more or less severe, at others
Jarasch would be so sorely mauled as to be carried off
insensible ; nor would he again be seen for the remainder
of the day. That the combat was not quite devoid of
peril was clear, by the fact that several of the sailors were
always armed, some with staves, others with cutlasses,
since, in the event of a bite, and blood flowing, nothing
124 THE CONFESSIONS OF
but immediate and prompt aid could save the boy from
being devoured. This he knew well, and the exercises
were always discontinued whenever the slightest cut, or
even a scratch, existed in any part of his person. Each day
seemed to heighten the excitement of these exhibitions;
for, as Jarasch became more skilful in his defence, so did
the whelps in the mode of attack ; besides that their
growth advanced with incredible rapidity, and soon
threatened to make the amusement no longer prac-
ticable. This display over, Sir Dudley played at chess
with Halkett, while I, seated behind him, read aloud
some book — usually one of voyages and travels. In the
afternoon he went below, and studied works in some
foreign language of which he appeared most eager to
acquire a knowledge, and I was then ordered to copy
out, into a book, various extracts of different routes in
all parts of the world; sometimes, the mode of crossing
a Syrian desert ; now the shortest and safest way through
the wild regions on the shores of the Adriatic. At one
time the theme would be the steppes of Tartary, or the
snowy plains of the Ukraine; at another, the dangerous
passes of the Cordilleras, or the hunting-grounds of the
Mandans. What delightful hours were these to me — how
full of the very highest interest; the wildest adventures
were here united with narratives of real events and
people, presenting human life in aspects the strangest
and most varied. How different from my old clerkship
with my father — with the interminable string of bastard
and broken law Latin ! I believe that in all my after-life,
fortunate as it has been in so many respects, I have never
passed hours more happy than these were.
In recompense for my secretarial functions I was free
of the middle watch ; so that, instead of turning into my
berth at sundown, to snatch some sleep before midnight,
I could lounge about at will — sometimes dropping into the
steerage to listen to some seaman's 'yarn' of storm and
shipwreck, but far oftener, book in hand, taking a lesson
CON CREGAN 125
in French from the old cook, for which I paid him in being
aide-de-cuisine ; or, with more hardy industry, assisting
our fat German mate to polish up his Regensburg pistols,
by which I made some progress in that tongue of harsh
and mysterious gutturals.
Through all these occupations the thought never left
me — what could be the object of Sir Dudley's continued
voyaging ? No feature of pleasure was certainly associated
with it, as little could it be attributed to the practice of
smuggling — the very seas he had longest cruised in forbade
that notion. It must be, thought I, that other reason to
which he so darkly alluded on the day he called me to his
cabin; and what could that be? Never was ingenuity
more tortured than mine by this ever-recurring question,
since, it is needless to tell the reader, I was not then, nor
indeed for a very long time afterwards, acquainted with
those particulars of his history I have already jotted
down. This intense curiosity of mine would, doubtless,
have worn itself out at last, but for a slight circumstance
occurring to keep it still alive within me. The little state-
room in which I used to write lay at one side of the cabin,
from which it was entered — no other means of getting to
it existing ; a heavy silk curtain supplied the place of a
door between the two ; and this, when four o'clock came,
and my day's work was finished, was let down till the
following morning, when it was drawn aside that Sir
Dudley, from time to time, might see, and if needful,
speak with me. Now, one day, when we had been about
three weeks at sea, the weather being intensely hot and
sultry, Sir Dudley had fallen asleep in his cabin while I
sat writing away vigorously within. Suddenly, I heard
a shout on deck — ' The whales ! a shoal of whales ahead ! '
and immediately the sudden scuffling of feet, and the
heavy hum of voices, proclaimed the animation and
interest the sight created. I strained myself to peep
through the little one-paned window beside me, but all
I could see was the great blue heaving ocean, as, in
126 THE CONFESSIONS OF
majestic swell, it rolled along. Still the noise continued ;
and, by the number and tone of the speakers, I could
detect that all the crew were on deck — every one, in fact,
save myself. What a disappointment! full as my mind
was of every monster of land and water, burning to
observe some of the wonderful things I had read so much
about, and now destined actually to be denied a sight
on which my comrades were then gazing ! I could endure
the thought no longer ; and although my task was each
morning allotted to me, and carefully examined the next
day by Sir Dudley, I stepped lightly out on tiptoe, and
letting fall the curtain so that if he awoke I should not
be missed, I stole up 'the companion,' and reached the
deck.
What a sight was there ! The whole sea around us was
in motion with the great monsters, who, in pursuit of a
shoal of herrings, darted at speed through the blue water
— spouting, blowing, and tossing in all the wildest con-
fusion; here every eye was bent on a calm still spot in
the water, where a whale had 'sounded' — that is, gone
down quite straight into the depths of the sea ; here,
another was seen scarcely covered by the water, his
monstrous head and back alternately dipping below, or
emerging above it. Harpoons and tackle were sought out,
firearms loaded, and every preparation for attack and
capture made, but none dared to venture without orders,
nor was any hardy enough to awake him and ask for
them. Perhaps the very expectancy on our part increased
the interest, for certainly the excitement of the scene was
intense ; so much so, that I actually forgot all about my
task, and, without a thought of consequences, was hanging
eagerly over the taffrail in full enjoyment of the wild
scene, when the tinkle of the captain's bell started me,
and to my horror I remembered it was now his dinner
hour, and that, for the rest of the day, no opportunity
would offer of my reaching the state-room to finish my
writing.
CON CREGAN 127
I was so terrified that I lost all interest in the spectacle,
whereof, up to that time, my mind was full. It was my
first delinquency, and had all the poignancy of a first
fault. The severity I had seen practised on others, for
even slight infractions of duty, was all before me, and I
actually debated with myself whether it would not be
better to jump overboard at once than meet the anger of
Sir Dudley. With any one else, perhaps, I should have
bethought me of some cunning lie to account for my
absence, but he had warned me about trying to deceive
him, and I well knew he could be as good as his word. I
had no courage to tell any of the sailors my fault, and ask
their advice ; indeed, I anticipated what would be the
result : some brutal jest over my misfortune, some coarse
allusion to the fate they had often told me portended me,
since ' no younker had ever gone from land to land with
Sir Dudley without tasting his hemp fritters.' I sat down,
therefore, beside the bowsprit, where none should see me,
to commune alone with my grief, and, if I could, to summon
up courage to meet my fate.
Night had closed in some time, and all was tranquil on
board, when I saw Halkett, as was his custom, going aft
to the cabin, where he always remained for an hour or
more each evening. It was just then, I know not how
the notion occurred, but it struck me that if I could lower
myself over the side, I might be able to creep through the
little window into the state-room, and carry away the
paper to finish it before morning. I lost little time in
setting about my plot ; and having made fast a rope to
one of the clews, I lowered myself, fearlessly, over the
gunwale, and pushing open the little sash, which was
unfastened, I soon managed to insert my head and
shoulders, and without any difficulty dragging my body
slowly after, entered the state-room. So long as the
danger of the enterprise and its difficulty lasted, so long
my courage was high and my heart fearless ; but when
I sat down in the little dark room, scarcely venturing to
128 THE CONFESSIONS OF
breathe, lest I should be overheard, almost afraid to touch
the papers on the table, lest their rustling noise should
betray me, how was this terror increased when I actually
heard the voices of Sir Dudley and Halkett as plainly as
though I were in the cabin beside them !
'And so, Halkett,' said Sir Dudley, 'you think this
expedition will be as fruitless as the others ? '
' I do, sir,' said the other, in a low, dogged tone.
' And yet you were the very man who encouraged me
to make it ! '
' And what of that ! Of two things, I thought it more
likely that he should be the leader of a band to a regiment
in Canada, than be a Faquino on the Mole of Genoa. A
fellow like him could scarcely fall so low as that.'
' He shall fall lower, by heaven, if I live ! ' said Sir
Dudley, in a voice rendered guttural with deep passion.
' Take care you fall not with him, sir,' said Halkett, in
a tone of warning.
' And if I should — for what else have I lived these three
last years ? In that pursuit have I perilled health and life,
satisfied to lose both if I but succeed at last.'
' And how do you mean to proceed ? for, assuredly, if
he be attached to the regiment at Kingston he 11 hear of
you, from some source or other. You remember, when
we all but had him at Torlosk, and yet he heard of our
coming before we got two posts from Warsaw ; and again,
at " Forli," we had scarce dropped anchor off Rimini when
he was up and away.'
' I '11 go more secretly to work this time, Halkett :
hitherto I have been slow to think the fellow a coward.
It is so hard to believe anything so base, as a man bereft
of every trait of virtue ; now I see clearly that he is so.
1 11 track him, not to offer him the chances of a duel — but
to hunt him down as I would a wild beast. I'll proceed
up the river in the disguise of an itinerant merchant — one
of those pedlar fellows of which this land is full — taking
the Irish dog along with me.'
CON CREGAN 129
' Of whom, remember, you know nothing, sir,' interposed
Halkett.
' Nor need to know,' said he, impatient at the inter-
ruption. ' Let him play me false ; let me only suspect that
he means it, and my reckoning with him will be short. I
have watched him closely of late, and I see the fellow's
curiosity is excited about us ; he is evidently on the alert
to learn something of our object in this voyage ; but the
day he gains the knowledge, Tom, will be his last to enjoy
it. It is a cheap process if we are at sea — a dark night and
an eighteen-pound shot ! If on shore, I '11 readily find some
one to take the trouble off my hands.'
It may be imagined with what a sensation of terror I
heard these words, feeling that my actual position at the
moment would have decided my fate, if discovered ; and
yet, with all this, I could not stir, nor make an effort to
leave the spot ; a fascination to hear the remainder of
the conversation had thoroughly bound me as by a
spell, and in breathless anxiety I listened as Sir Dudley
resumed.
' You, with Heckenstein and the Greek, must follow,
ready to assist me when I need your aid ; for my plan is
this : I mean to entice the fellow, on pretence of a pleasure
excursion, a few miles from the town, into the bush, there
to bind him hand and foot, and convey him, by the forest
tracks, to the second " portage," where the batteaux are
stationed, by one of which — these Canadian fellows are
easily bribed — we shall drop down to Montreal ; there the
yacht shall be in waiting all ready for sea. Even without
a wind, three days will bring us off the Island of Orleans,
and as many more, if we be but fortunate, to the Gulf.
The very worst that can happen is discovery and detection,
and if that ensue, I '11 blow his brains out.'
' And if we succeed in carrying him off, Sir Dudley,
what then ? '
'I have not made up my mind, Halkett, what I'll do.
I 've thought of a hundred schemes of vengeance ; but,
13 I
130 THE CONFESSIONS OF
confound it, I must be content with one only, though fifty
deaths would not satisfy my hate.'
? I 'd put a bullet through his skull, or swing him from
the yard-arm, and make an end of it,' said Halkett roughly.
' Not I, 'faith ; he shall live ; and, if I can have my will,
a long life too. His own government would take charge
of him at " Irkutsk," for that matter at the quicksilver
mines ; and they say the diseased bones, from the absorp-
tion of that poison, is a terrible punishment. But I have
a better notion still. Do you remember that low island
off the east shore of the Niger, where the negro fellows
live in log-huts, threshing the water all day to keep the
caymans from the rice-grounds ?'
' The devil ! ' exclaimed Halkett, ' you '11 not put him
there ? '
' I have thought of it very often,' said Sir Dudley calmly.
' He 'd see his doom before him every day, and dream of it
each night too. One cannot easily forget that horrid
swamp, alive and moving with those reptiles ! It was
nigh two months ere I could fall asleep at night without
starting up in terror at the thought of them.' Sir Dudley
arose as he said this, and walked the cabin with impatient
steps ; sometimes as he passed his arm would graze the
curtain, and shake its folds, and then my heart leaped to
my mouth in very terror. At last, with an effort that I
felt as the last chance of life, I secured the papers in my
bosom, and, standing up on the seat, crept through the
window, and, after a second's delay to adjust the rope,
clambered up the side, and gained the deck unobserved.
It could not have been real fatigue, for there was little or
no exertion in the feat; but yet such was my state of
exhaustion that I crept over to the boat that was fastened
midships, and lying down in her, on a coil of cable, slept
soundly till morning. If my boyish experiences had
familiarised my mind with schemes of vengeance as
terrible as ever fiction fabricated, I had yet to learn that
' gentlemen ' cherished such feelings, and I own the
CON CREGAN 131
discovery gave me a tremendous shock. That some awful
debt of injury was on Sir Dudley's mind was clear enough,
and that I was to be, in some capacity or other, an aid to
him in acquitting it, was a fact I was more convinced of than
pleased at. Neither did I fancy his notions of summary
justice ; perhaps it was my legal education had prejudiced
me in favour of more formal proceedings ; but I saw, with
a most constitutional horror, the function of justice, jury,
and executioner, in the hands of one single individual.
So impressed was I with these thoughts that had I not
been on the high seas I should inevitably have run for it.
Alas, however, the banks of Newfoundland — which, after
all I had heard mentioned on our voyage, I imagined to be
grassy slopes, glittering with daisies, and yellow with
daffodils — are but sand heaps, some two hundred fathoms
down in the ocean blue ; and all one ever knows of them
is the small geological specimens brought up on the
tallowed end of the deep-sea lead. Escape, therefore,
was for the present out of the question ; but the steady
determination to attempt it was spared me, by a circum-
stance that occurred about a week later.
After some days of calm, common enough in these
latitudes, a slight but steady breeze set in from the north-
east, which bore us up the Gulf with easy sail, till we came
in sight of the long, low island of Anticosti, which, like
some gigantic monster, raises its dark misshapen beach
above the water — not the slightest trace of foliage or
verdure to give it a semblance to the aspect of land ! Two
dreary-looking log-houses, about eighteen miles apart,
remind one that a refuge for the shipwrecked is deemed
necessary in this dangerous channel; but, except these,
not a trace exists to show that the foot of man had trod
that dreary spot.
The cook's galley is sure to have its share of horrors
when a ship 'lies to' near this gloomy shore; scarcely
a crew exists where some one belonging to it has not
had a messmate wrecked there; and then, the dreadful
132 THE CONFESSIONS OF
narratives of starvation, and strife, and murders were too
fearful to dwell on. Among the horrors recorded on
every hand all agreed in speaking of a terrible character
who had never quitted the island for upwards of forty
years. He was a sailor who had committed a murder
under circumstances of great atrocity, and dared not
revisit the mainland for fear of the penalty of his guilt.
Few had ever seen him ; for years back, indeed, he had not
been met with at all, and rumour said that he was dead.
Still no trace of his body could be found, and some
inclined to the opinion that he might at last have made
his escape.
He was a negro, and was described as possessing the
strength of three or four men ; and although the pro-
verbial exaggeration of sailors might, and very probably
did, colour these narratives, the sad fate of more than one
party who had set out to capture him gave the stories a
terrible air of truth. The fear of him was such, that
although very liberal terms had been offered to induce
men to take up their abode in the island to succour the
crews of wrecked vessels, none could be found to accept
the post ; and even at the period when I visited these seas,
and after a long lapse of years since the Black Boatswain
had been seen, no one would venture.
The story went that his ghost still wandered there,
and that at night, when the storm was high, and the
waves of the Gulf sent the spray over that low and
dreary island, his cries could be heard, calling aloud to
' shorten sail, to brace round the yards, close the hatch-
ways,' mingled with blasphemies that made the very hair
stand on end.
If the reader, armed with the triple mail of incredulity,
so snugly ensconced in his easy-chair, before a sea-coal
fire, can afford to scoff at such perils, not so did I, as I sat
in a corner of the galley gathering with greedy ears the
horrors that fell on every side, and now and then stealing
out to cast a glance over the bulwarks at the long low
CON CREGAN 133
bank of sand, which seemed more like an exhalation from
the water than a solid mass of rock and shingle.
I have said that a feeling of rivalry existed between
the Moorish boy, El Jarasch, and myself, and although I
endured the scoffs and sneers at first with a humility my
own humble garb and anomalous position enforced, I soon
began to feel more confidence in myself, and that species
of assurance a becoming dress seems somehow to inspire ;
for I was now attired like the rest of the crew, and wore
the name of the yacht in gold letters on my cap, as well as
on the breast of my waistcoat.
The hatred of El Jarasch increased with every day, and
mutual scoffs and gibes were the only intercourse between
us. More than once, Halkett, who had always befriended
me, warned me of the boy, and said that his Moorish blood
was sure to make his vengeance felt ; but I only laughed
at his caution, and avowed myself ready to confront him
when and however he pleased. Generosity was little
wasted on either side, so that when one day, in a fierce
encounter with the lions, El Jarasch received a fall which
broke one of his ribs, and was carried in a state of insensi-
bility to his berth, I neither pitied him nor regretted his
misfortune. I affected even to say that his own cowardice
had rendered the creatures more daring, and that had he
preserved a bolder front the mischance would have never
occurred. These vauntings of mine, coupled with an
avowed willingness to take his place, came to Sir Dudley's
ears on the third evening after the accident, and he imme-
diately sent for me to his cabin.
' Is it true, sirrah ? ' said he, in a harsh, unpleasant voice,
' that you have been jesting about Jarasch, and saying that
you were ready to take charge of the whelps in his stead ? '
' It is,' said I, answering both questions together.
' You shall do so to-morrow, then,' replied he solemnly ;
' take care that you can do something as well as boast ! '
and with this he motioned me to leave the cabin.
I at once repaired to the steerage to report my interview
134 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to the men, who were all more friendly with me than with
the Moor. Many were the counsels I received about how I
should conduct myself the next morning — some asserting
that, as it was my first time, I could not be too gentle with
the animals, avoiding the slightest risk of hurting them,
and even suffering their rough play without any effort to
check it. Others, on the contrary, advised me at once to
seek the mastery over the beasts, and by two or three
severe lessons to teach them caution if not respect. This
counsel, I own, chimed in with my own notions, and also
better accorded with what, after my late vauntings, I felt
to be my duty.
It was altogether a very anxious night with me, not
exactly through fear, because I knew, as the men were
always ready with their arms loaded, life could not be
perilled, and I did not dread the infliction of a mere sprain
or fracture, but I felt it was an ordeal wherein my fame
was at stake. Were I to acquit myself well, there would
be an end for ever of those insulting airs of superiority
the Moorish boy had assumed towards me. Whereas, if
I failed, I must consent to bear his taunts and sarcasms
without a murmur.
In one point only the advice of all the crew agreed,
which was that the female cub, much larger and more
ferocious than the male, should more particularly demand
my watchfulness. ' If she scratch you, boy, mind that you
desist,' said an old Danish sailor, who had been long on the
African coast. This caution was re-echoed by all; and
resolving to follow its dictates, I ' turned in ' to my
hammock, to dream of combats and battles till morning.
I was early astir — waking with a sudden start. I had
been dreaming of a lion-hunt, and fancied I heard the
deep-mouthed roaring of the beasts in a jungle. And, true
enough, a low monotonous howl came from the place
where the animals lay, for it was now the fourth morning
of their being confined without having been once at liberty.
I had just completed my dressing — the costume was
CON CREGAN 135
simply a short pair of loose trousers, hand, arms, and feet
bare, and a small fez cap on my head — when Halkett
came down to me to say that he had been speaking to Sir
Dudley about the matter, and that as I had never yet
accustomed myself to the whelps, it was better that I
should not begin the acquaintance after they had been
four days in durance. ' At the same time,' added Halkett,
' he gives you the choice ; you can venture if you please.'
' I 've made up my mind,' said I. ' I 'm sure I 'm able
for anything the black fellow can do.'
' My advice to you, boy,' said he, ' is to leave them alone.
Those Moorish chaps are the creatures' countrymen, and
have almost the same kind of natures — they are stealthy,
treacherous, and cruel. They never trust anything — man
or beast ! '
' No matter ! ' said I. ' I 'm as strong as he is, and my
courage is not less.'
4 If you will have it so, I have nothing to say ; indeed, I
promised Sir Dudley I 'd give you no advice one way or
other; so now get the staff from Jarasch, and come on
deck.'
The staff was a short thick truncheon of oak, tipped
with brass at each end, and the only weapon ever used by
the boy in his encounters.
' So you 're going to take my place ! ' said the black
fellow, while his dark eyes were lighted up like coals of
fire, and his white teeth glanced between his purple lips.
1 Don't hurt my poor pet cubs ; be gentle with them.'
' Where 's the staff ? ' said I, not liking the tone in which
he spoke, or well knowing if he affected earnest or jest.
' There it is,' said he ; ' but your white hands will be
enough without that. You'll not need the weapon the
coward used ! ' and as he spoke a kind of shuddering con-
vulsion shook his frame from head to foot.
' Come, come ! ' said I, stretching out my hand ; ' I ought
not to have called you a coward, Jarasch — that you are
not ! I ask you to forgive me ; will you ? '
136 THE CONFESSIONS OF
He never spoke, but nestled lower down in the hammock,
so that I could not even see his face.
' There, they 're calling me already. I must be off ! Let
us shake hands and be friends this time at least. When
you 're well and up we can fight it out about something else !'
' Kiss me, then,' said he ; and though I had no fancy for
the embrace, or the tone it was asked in, I leaned over the
hammock, and while he placed one arm round my neck,
and drew me towards him, I kissed his forehead, and he
mine, in true Moorish fashion ; and not sorry to have made
my peace with my only enemy, I stepped up the ladder
with a light heart and a firm courage.
I little knew what need I had for both ! When Jarasch
had put his arm around my neck, I did not know that he
had inserted his hand beneath the collar of my shirt, and
drawn a long streak of blood from his own vein across
my back between my shoulders. When I arrived on deck,
it was to receive the congratulations of the crew, who
were all struck with my muscular arms and legs, and who
unanimously pronounced that I was far fitter to exercise
the whelps than was the Moor.
Sir Dudley said nothing. A short nod greeted me as I
came towards him, and then he waved me back with his
hand — a motion which, having something contemptuous in
it, pained me acutely at the moment. I had not much time,
however, to indulge such feelings. The whelps were already
on deck, and springing madly at the wooden bars of their
cage for liberty. Eager as themselves, I hastened to
unbolt the door and set them free.
No sooner were they at large than they set off down one
side of the deck and up the other, careering at full speed,
clearing with a bound whatever stood in their way ; and
when by any chance meeting each other, stopping for an
instant to stare with glaring eyes and swelling nostrils,
and then, either passing stealthily and warily past, or one
would crouch while the other cleared him at a spring, and
so off again. In all this I had no part to play. I could
CON CREGAN 137
neither call them back, like Jarasch, whose voice they
knew, nor had I his dexterity in catching them as they
went, and throwing all manner of gambols over and upon
them, as he did.
I felt this poignantly, the more as I saw, or thought I
saw, Sir Dudley's eyes upon me more than once, with an
expression of disdainful pity. At last the great tub which
contained the creatures' food was wheeled forward; and
no sooner had the men retired, than the quick-scented
animals were on the spot — so rapidly, indeed, that I had
barely time to seat myself, crosslegged, on the lid, when
they approached, and with stately step walked round the
vessel, staring as it were in surprise at the new figure who
disputed their meal with them.
At last the male placed one paw on the lid, and with
the other tapped me twice or thrice on the shoulder with
the kind of gentle, pattering blow a cat will sometimes use
with a mouse. It was a sort of mild admonition to ' leave
that,' nothing of hostility whatever being announced.
I replied by imitating the gesture, so far as a, half -closed
fist would permit, and struck him on the side of the head.
He looked grave at this treatment, and, slowing descending
from his place, he lay down about a yard off. Meanwhile
the female, who had been smelling and sniffing round and
round the tub, made an effort to lift the lid with her head,
and failing, began to strike it in sharp, short blows with
her paw, the excitement of her face, and the sturdy
position of her hind legs, showing that her temper was
chafed at the delay. To increase her rage, I pushed the lid
a few inches back ; and as the savoury steam arose, the
creature grew more eager, and at last attracted the other
to the spot.
It was quite clear that hunger was the passion upper-
most with them, and that they had not yet connected me
with the cause of their disappointment, for they laboured
by twenty devices to insert a paw or to smash the lid, but
never noticed me in the least. Wearied of my failures to
138 THE CONFESSIONS OF
induce them to play, and angry at the indifference they
manifested to me, I sprang from the lid, and, lifting it
from the tub, flung it back. In an instant they had each
their heads in the mess; the female had even her great
paw in the midst of the tub, and was eating away with
that low, gurgling growl peculiar to the wild beast.
Dashing right between them, I seized one by the throat
with both hands and hurled him back upon the deck. A
shout of ' Bravo ! ' burst from the crew at the boldness of
the feat, and with a bound the fellow made at me. I
dropped suddenly on one knee as he came, and struck him
with the staff on the forelegs. Had he been shot, he could
not have fallen more rapidly ; down he went, like a dead
mass, on the deck. To spring on his back, and hold him
fast down, was the work of a second, while I belaboured
him about the head with my fists.
The stunning effect of his first fall gave me the victory
for a moment, but he soon rallied, and attacked me boldly.
It was now a fair fight ; for, if I sometimes succeeded in
making him shake his huge head or drop his paw with
pain, more than once he staggered me with a blow, which,
had it been only quickly followed, would soon have decided
the struggle. At last, after a scuffle in which he had
nearly vanquished me, he made a leap at my throat. I
put in a blow of such power with the staff on the fore-
head, that he gave a load roar of pain, and, with drooping
tail, slunk to hide away himself beneath a boat.
Up to this moment the female had never stirred from
the mess of food, but continued eating and snarling as
though every mouthful was a battle. Scarcely, however,
had the roar of the other cub been heard, than she lifted
her head, and, slowly turning round, stared at me with an
expression which, even now, my dreams will recall.
I had not yet recovered from the exhaustion of my late
encounter, and was half sitting, half kneeling on the deck,
as the whelp stood glowering at me, with every vein in
her vast forehead swollen, and her large, red eyes seeming
I <J
CON CREGAN 139
to dilate as she looked. The attitude of the creature must
have beeu striking, for the crew cheered with a heartiness
that showed how much they admired her.
So long as I sat unmoved she never stirred ; but when
I prepared to arise, she gave one bound, and striking me
with her head, hurled me back upon the deck. Her own
impulse had carried her clean over me, and when she
returned I was already up, on my knees, and better pre-
pared to receive her. Again she tried the same manoeuvre ;
but this time I leaped to my feet, and springing on one
side, struck her a heavy blow on the top of the head.
Twice or thrice the same attack, with the same result,
followed ; and at each blow a gallant cheer from the men
gave me fresh courage.
The beast was now excited to a dreadful degree, but
her very passion favoured me, for her assaults were wilder
and less circumspect than at first. At length, just as I was
again making the side leap by which I had escaped, my
foot slipped, and I fell. I was scarcely down ere she was
upon me, not, as before, to strike with her paws, but, with
a rude shock, she threw herself across me, as if to crush
me by her weight; while her huge head, and terrific
mouth, frothy and steaming, lay within a few inches of
my face.
Halkett and two others advanced to my rescue ; but I
bade them go back, and leave me to myself, for I was only
wearied, not conquered. For some minutes we lay thus ;
when at length, having recovered strength once more, I
grasped the whelp's throat with both hands, and then by
a tremendous effort, threw her back and rolled myself
uppermost. She soon shook herself free, however, and
turned upon me. I was now on my knees, and with the
staff I dealt her a fierce blow on the leg. A terrific howl
followed, and she closed with me in full fury. Seizing my
shirt, she tore it away from my breast, and with her paw
upon the fragment, ripped it in a hundred pieces. I
endeavoured to catch her by the throat once more, but
140 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
failed, and rolled over on my face, and in doing so disclosed
the bloody streak between my shoulders ; she saw it, and
at the same instant sprang on me. I felt her teeth as they
met in my neck, while her terrible cry, the most appalling
ears ever heard, rang through my brain.
' Save him ! save him ! she 's killing him ! ' were now
heard on every side; but none dared to fire for fear of
wounding me, and the terrible rage of the animal deterred
all from approaching her. The struggle was now a life-
and-death one; and alternately falling and rolling, we
fought — I cannot tell how — for the blood blinded me, as it
came from a wound in my forehead ; and I only felt one
firm purpose in my heart — ' If I fall, she shall not survive
me.' Several of the sailors came near enough to strike
her with their cutlasses, but these wounds only increased
her rage, and I cried to them to desist.
'Shoot her! put a bullet through her!' cried Halkett.
' Let none dare to shoot her ! ' cried Sir Dudley loudly. I
just heard these words, as, after a fierce struggle, in which
she had seized me by the shoulder, I fell against the
bulwark. With a last effort I staggered to my knees,
flung open the gangway, and then, with an exertion that
to myself seemed my very last on earth, I seized her by
the throat and hurled her backwards into the sea. On
hands and knees I leaned forward to see her, as the rapid
Gulf-stream, hurrying onward to the ocean, bore her
away ; and then, as my sight grew fainter, I fell back upon
the deck, and believed I was dying.
mi
MEANS AND MEDITATIONS
T was the second evening after
my lion adventure, and I was
stretched in my hammock in a
low, half -torpid state, not a
limb nor a joint in all my body that had not its own
peculiar pain ; while a sharp wound in my neck, and
another still deeper one in the fleshy part of my shoulder,
had just begun that process called 'union' — one which, I
am bound to say, however satisfactory in result, is often
very painful in its progress. The slightest change of
142 THE CONFESSIONS OF
position gave me intolerable anguish ; as I lay, with closed
eyes and crossed hands, not a bad resemblance of those
stone saints one sees upon old tombstones.
My faculties were clear and acute, so that, having
abundant leisure for the occupation, I had nothing better
to do than take a brief retrospect of my late life. Such
reviews are rarely satisfactory, or rather, one rarely thinks
of making them when the ' score of the past ' is in our
favour. Up to this moment it was clear I had gained little
but experience; I had started light, and I had acquired
nothing, save a somewhat worse opinion of the world and
a greater degree of confidence in myself. I had but one
way of balancing my account with Fortune, which was by
asking myself, • Would I undo the past, if in my power ?
Would I wish once more to be back in my " father's mud
edifice," now digging a drain, now drawing an indictment
— a kind of pastoral pettifogger, with one foot in a potato
furrow and the other in petty sessions ? ' I stoutly said
' No ! ' a thousand times ' No ! ' to this question.
I could not ask myself as to my preference for a
university career, for my college life had concluded
abruptly, in spite of me; but still, during my town
experiences, I saw enough to leave me no regrets at
having quitted the muses. The life of a ' skip,' as the
Trinity men have it — vice gyp., for the Greek word
signifying a ' vulture ' — is only removed by a thin sheet of
silver paper from that of a cabin boy in a collier — copious
pommelling and short prog being the first two articles of
your warrant, while in some respects the marine has a
natural advantage over him on shore. A skip is invariably
expected to invent lies ' at discretion ' for his master's
benefit, and is always thrashed when they are either
discovered or turn out adverse. On this point his educa-
tion is perfectly ' Spartan ' ; but, unhappily too, he is
expected to be a perfect mirror of truth on all other
occasions. This is somewhat hard, inasmuch as it is only
in a man's graduate course that he learns to defend a
CON CREGAN 143
paradox, and support, by good reasons, what he knows to
be false.
Again, a skip never receives clothes, but is flogged at
least once a week for disorders in his dress, and for general
untidiness of appearance ; this, too, is hard, since he has as
little intercourse with soap as he has with conic sections.
Thirdly, a good skip invariably obtains credit for his
master at 'Foles's' chop-house; while, in his own proper
capacity, he would not get trust for a cheese-paring.
Fourthly, a skip is supposed to be born a valet, as some
are born poets — to have an instinctive aptitude for all the
details of things he has never seen or heard of before ; so
that when he applies Warren's patent to French leather
boots, polishes silver with a Bath-brick, blows the fire with
a quarto, and cuts candles with a razor, he finds it passing
strange that he should be 'had up' for punishment. To
be fat without food, to be warm without fire, to be wakeful
without sleep, to be clad without clothes, to be known as
a vagabond, and to pass current for unblemished honesty,
to be praised as a liar, and then thrashed for lying — is too
much to expect at fifteen years of age.
Lastly, as to Betty's, I had no regrets. The occupation
of horse-boy, like the profession of physic, has no avenir.
The utmost the most aspiring can promise to himself is to
hold more horses than his neighbours, as the doctor's
success is to order more senna. There is nothing beyond
these ; no higher path opens to him who feels the necessity
for an upward course. It is a ladder with but one round
to it ! No, no ; I was right to ' sell out ' there.
My steeplechase might have led to something — that is,
I might have become a jockey ; but then again, one's light
weight, like a contralto voice, is sure to vanish after
a year or two ; and then, from the heyday of popularity,
you sink down into a bad groom or a fourth-rate tenor,
just as if, after reaching a silk gown at the bar, a man had
to begin life again as crier in the Exchequer ! Besides, in
all these various walks, I should have had the worst of all
144 THE CONFESSIONS OF
trammels, a patron. Now, if any resolve had thoroughly
fixed itself in my mind, it was this, never to have a patron,
never to be bound to any man, who, because he had once
set you on your legs, should regulate the pace you were to
walk through a long life. To do this, one should be born
without a particle of manhood's spirit — absolutely without
volition — otherwise you go through life a living lie, talking
sentiments that are not yours, and wearing a livery in
your heart as well as on your back !
Why do we hear such tirades about the ingratitude of
men, who, being once assisted by others — their inferiors in
everything save gold — soar above the low routine of
toadyism, and rise into personal independence? Let us
remember that the contract was never a fair one, and that
a whole life's degradation is a heavy sum to pay for a
dinner with his grace, or a cup of tea with her highness.
' My lord,' I am aware, thinks differently ; and it is one of
the very pleasant delusions of his high station to fancy
that little folk are dependent upon him — what conse-
quence they obtain among their fellows by his recognition
in public, or by his most careless nod in the street. But
' my lord ' does not know that this is a paper currency
that represents no capital, that it is not convertible at
will, and is never a legal tender, and consequently, as a
requital for actual bond fide services, is about as honest a
payment as a flash-note.
It was no breach of my principle that I accepted Sir
Dudley's offer. Our acquaintance began by my rendering
him a service ; and I was as free to leave him that hour,
and, I own, as ready to do so, if occasion permitted, as he
could be to get rid of me ; and it was not long before the
occasion presented itself for exercising these views.
As I lay thus, ruminating on my past fortunes, Halkett
descended the steerage-ladder, followed by Felborg the
Dane, and, approaching my hammock, held a light to my
face for a few seconds. ' Still asleep ? ' said Halkett. ' Poor
boy ! he has never awoke since I dressed his wound this
morning. I 'm sure it 's better, so let us leave him so.'
CON CREGAN 145
' Ay, ay,' said the Dane, ' let him sleep ; bad tidings
come soon enough, without one's being awoke to hear
them. But do you think he '11 do it ? ' added he, with
lower and more anxious tone.
' He has said so, and I never knew him fail in his
promise when it was a cruel one.'
' Have you no influence over him, Halkett ? could you
not speak for the boy ? '
' I have done all I could, more than perhaps it was safe to
do. I told him I couldn't answer for the men, if he were to
shoot him on board ; and he replied to me short, " I'll take
the fellow ashore with me alone — neither you nor they
have any right to question what you are not to "witness." '
' Well, when I get back to Elsinore, it 's to a prison and
heavy irons I shall go for life, that 's certain ; but I 'd face
it all rather than live the life we 've done now for twenty
months past.'
' Hush ! speak low ! ' said the other. ' I suppose others
are weary of it as well as you. Many a man has to live a
bad life just because he started badly.'
' I 'm sorry for the boy ! ' sighed the Dane ; ' he was a
bold and fearless fellow.'
' I am sorry for him too. It was an evil day for him
when he joined us. Well, well, what would he have
become if he had lived a year or two on board ? '
• He has no father nor mother,' said the Dane, ' that 's
something. I lost mine, too, when I was nine years old,
and it made me the reckless devil I became ever after. I
wasn't sixteen when the crew of the Tre-Kroner mutinied,
and I led the party that cut down the first-lieutenant. It
was a moonlight night, just as it might be now, in the
middle watch, and Lieutenant CEldenstrom was sitting aft,
near the wheel, humming a tune. I walked aft, with my
cutlass in one hand, and a pistol in the other ; but just as
I stepped up the quarter-deck my foot slipped, and the
cutlass fell with a clank on the deck.
' " What 's that ? " cried the lieutenant.
13 K
146 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' " Felborg, sir, mate of the watch," said I, standing fast
where I was. " It 's shoaling fast ahead, sir."
' " D n ! " said he, " what a coast ! "
' " Couldn't you say a bit of something better than
that ? " said I, getting nearer to him slowly.
'"What do you mean?" said he, jumping up angrily;
but he was scarce on his legs when he was down again at
his full length on the plank, with a bullet through his
brain, never to move again ! '
' There, there, avast with that tale ! you 've told it to
me every night that my heart was heavy this twelvemonth
past. But I've hit on a way to save the lad — will you
help me ? '
' Ay, if my help doesn't bring bad luck on him ; it always
has on every one I befriended since — since '
' Never mind that. There 's no risk here, nor much room
for luck, good or bad.' He paused a second or two, then
added —
' I 'm thinking we can't do better than shove him ashore
on the island yonder.'
' On Anticosti ! ' said Felborg, with a shudder.
' Ay, why not ? There 's always a store of biscuit and
fresh water in the log-houses, and the cruisers touch there
every six or seven weeks to take people off. He has but to
hoist the flag to show he 's there.'
' There 's no one there now,' said the Dane.
' No. I saw the flagstaff bare yesterday ; but what
does that matter ? a few days or a few weeks alone are
better than what 's in store for him here.'
' I don't think so. No ! Beym alia Deyvelm ! I 'd stand
the bullet at three paces, but I 'd not meet that negro chap
alone.'
' Oh, he's dead and gone this many a year,' said Halkett.
' When the Rodney transport was wrecked there, two
years last fall, they searched the island from end to end,
and couldn't find a trace of him. They were seven weeks
there, and it's pretty clear if he were alive -'
CON CREGAN 147
1 Ay, just so — if he were alive.'
' Nonsense man — you don't believe those yarns they get
up to frighten the boys in the cook's galley.'
' It 's scarce mercy, to my reckoning,' said Felborg, ' to
take the lad from a quick and short fate, and leave him
yonder ; but, if you need my help, you shall have it.'
' That 's enough,' said Halkett ; ' go on deck, and look
after the boat. None of our fellows will betray us ; and in
the morning we '11 tell Sir Dudley that he threw himself
overboard in the night, in a fit of frenzy. He '11 care little
whether it 's true or false.'
' I say, Con — Con, my lad,' said Halkett as soon as the
other had mounted the ladder; 'wake up, my boy, I've
something to tell you.'
' I know it,' said I, wishing to spare time, which I
thought might be precious, ' I 've been dreaming all
about it.'
' Poor fellow, his mind is wandering,' muttered Halkett
to himself. ' Come, my lad, try and put on your clothes —
here 's your jacket,' and with that he lifted me from my
hammock and began to help me to dress.
' I was dreaming, Halkett,' said I, ' that Sir Dudley sent
me adrift in the punt, and fired at me with the swivel, but
that you rowed out and saved me.'
' That 's just it ! ' said Halkett, with an energy that
showed how the supposed dream imposed upon him.
' You put me ashore on Anticosti, Halkett,' said I ; ' but
wasn't that cruel ! — the Black Boatswain is there.'
' Never fear the Black Boatswain, my lad, he 's dead
years ago ; and it strikes me you '11 steer a course in life
where old wives' tales never laid down the soundings.'
' I can always be brave when I want it, Halkett,' said I,
letting out a bit of my peculiar philosophy ; but I saw he
didn't understand my speech, and I went on with my
dressing in silence.
Halkett meanwhile continued to give me advice about
the island, and the log-houses, and the signal-ensign ; in
148 THE CONFESSIONS OP
fact, about all that could possibly concern my safety and
speedy escape, concluding with a warning to me, never to
divulge that anything but a mere accident had been the
occasion of my being cast away. ' This for your own sake
and for mine, too, Con,' said he, \ for one day or other he,'
—he pointed to the after-cabin — ' he 'd know it, and then it
would fare badly with some of us.'
' Why not come too, Halkett ? ' said I ; ' this life is as
hateful to you as to myself.'
' Hush, boy, no more of that,' said he, with a degree of
emotion which I had never witnessed in him before.
' Make yourself warm and snug, for you mustn't take any
spare clothes, or you 'd be suspected by whoever takes you
off the island. Here 's my brandy-flask and a tinder-box ;
that 's a small bag of biscuit — for you '11 take six or seven
hours to reach the log-house— and here is a pistol with
some powder and ball. Come along now, or shall I carry
you up the ladder ? '
' No, I 'm able enough now,' said I, making an effort to
seem free from pain while I stepped up on deck.
I was not prepared for the affectionate leave-taking
which met me here : each of the crew shook my hand
twice or thrice over, and there was not one did not press
upon me some little gift in token of remembrance.
At last the boat was lowered, and Halkett and three
others descended noiselessly, motioning to me to follow. I
stepped boldly over the side, and, waving a last good-bye
to those above, sat down in the stern to steer, as I was
directed.
It was a calm night, with nothing of a sea, save that
rolling heave ever present in the Gulf-stream ; and now
the men stretched to their oars, and we darted swiftly on,
not a word breaking the deep stillness.
Although the island lay within six miles, we could see
nothing of it against the sky, for the highest point is little
more than twelve feet above the water-level.
I have said that nothing was spoken as we rowed along
CON CREGAN 149
over the dark and swelling water ; but this silence did not
impress me till I saw ahead of us the long low outline of
the dreary island shutting out the horizon ; then, a sen-
sation of sickening despair came over me. Was I to
linger out a few short hours of life on that melancholy
spot, and die at last exhausted and broken-hearted ? • Was
this to be the end of the brilliant dream I had so often
revelled in ? ' ' Ah, Con ! ' said I, ' to play the game of life,
a man must have capital to stand its losses — its runs of
evil fortune ; but you are ruined with one bad deal ! '
' Run her in here ! in this creek ! ' cried Halkett to the
men, and the boat glided into a little bay of still water
under the lee of the land, and then, after about twenty
minutes' stout rowing, her keel grated on the rugged
shingly shore of Anticosti.
' We cannot land you dry-shod, Con,' said Halkett, ' it
shoals for some distance here.'
' No matter,' said I, trying to affect an easy, jocular air,
my choking throat and swelling heart made far from
easy ; ' for me to think of wet feet, would be like the felon
at the drop blowing the froth off the porter because it was
unwholesome ! '
' I 've better hopes of you than that comes to, lad ! ' said
he ; ' but good-bye ! good-bye ! ' He shook my hand with
a grasp like a vice, and sat down with his back towards
me ; the others took a kind farewell of me ; and then,
shouldering my little bag of biscuit, I pressed my cap
down over my eyes, and stepped into the surf. It was
scarcely more than over mid-leg, but the claylike, spongy
bottom made it tiresome walking. I had only gone a few
hundred yards, when a loud cheer struck me ; I turned, it
was the boat's crew, giving me a parting salute. I tried
to answer it, but my voice failed me ; the next moment
they had turned the point, and I saw them no more !
I now plodded wearily on, and in about half an hour
reached the land; and whether from weariness, or some
strange instinct of security, on touching shore, I know not,
150 THE CONFESSIONS OF
but I threw myself heavily down upon the shingly stones,
and slept soundly ; ay, and dreamed too ! dreamed of fair
lands far away, such as I have often read of in books of
travels, where bright flowers and delicious fruits were
growing, and where birds and insects of gaudiest colours
floated past with a sweet murmuring song that made the
air tremble.
Who has not read Robinson Crusoe ? and who has not
imagined himself combating with some of the difficulties
of his fortune, and pictured to his mind what his conduct
might have been under this or that emergency ?
No speculations are pleasanter, when indulged at our
own fireside, in an easy-chair, after having solaced our
'material' nature by a good dinner, and satisfied the
' moral ' man by the ' City Article,' which assures us that
the Three per Cents are rising, and that Consols for the
Account are in a very prosperous state. Then, indeed, if
our thoughts by any accident stray to the shipwrecked
sailor, they are blended with a wholesome philanthropy,
born of good digestion and fair worldly prospects; we
assure ourselves that we should have made precisely the
same exertions that he did, and comported ourselves in all
the varied walks of carpenter, tailor, hosier, sail-maker,
and boat-builder, exactly like him. The chances are, too,
that if accidentally out of temper with our neighbours, we
cordially acknowledge that the retirement was not the
worst feature in his history ; and if provoked by John
Thomas, the footman, we are ready to swear that there
was more gratitude in Friday's little black finger than in
the whole body corporate of flunkeys, from Richmond to
Blackwall.
While these very laudable sentiments are easy enough in
the circumstances I have mentioned, they are marvellously
difficult to practise at the touch of stern reality. At least
I found them so, as I set out to seek the ' Refuge ' on
Anticosti. It was just daybreak as, somewhat stiffened
with a sleep on the cold beach, and sore from my recent
CON CREGAN 151
bruises, I began my march. ' Nor'-west and by west ' was
Halkett's vague direction to me, but as I had no compass
I was left to the guidance of the rising sun for the cardinal
points. Not a path, nor track of any kind was to be seen ;
indeed the surface could scarcely have borne traces of
footsteps, for it was one uniform mass of slaty shingle,
with here and there the backbone of a fish, and scattered
fragments of seaweed, washed up by the storms on this
low bleak shore. I cannot fancy desolation more perfect
than this dreary spot, slightly undulating, but never
sufficient to lose sight of the sea ; not a particle of shelter
to be found ; not a rock, not even a stone large enough to
sit upon when weary. Of vegetation, no trace could be
met with — even a patch of moss, or a lichen, would have
been a blessing to see ; but there were neither. At last, as
I journeyed on, I wandered beyond the sound of the sea,
as it broke upon the low strand, and then the silence
became actually appalling ; but a few moments back, and
the loud booming of the breakers stunned the ear, and
now, as I stopped to listen, I could hear my own heart, as
in full, thick beat it smote against my ribs. I could not
dismiss the impression that such a stillness — thus terrible,
would prevail on the Day of Judgment; when, after the
graves had given up their millions of dead, and the
agonising cry for mercy had died away, then, as in a
moment of dread suspense, the air would be motionless,
not a leaf to stir, not a wing to cleave it. Such possession
of me did this notion take, that I fell upon my knees and
sobbed aloud, while, with trembling and uplifted hands, I
prayed that I too might be pardoned.
So powerful is the influence of a devotional feeling, no
matter how associated with error, how alloyed by the
dross of superstition, that I, who but an instant back
could scarcely drag my wearied limbs along for very
despair, became of a sudden trustful and courageous.
Life seemed no longer the worthless thing it did a few
minutes before ; on the contrary, I was ready to dare
152 THE CONFESSIONS OF
anything to preserve it; and so, with renewed vigour, I
again set forward.
At each little swell of the ground I gazed eagerly about
me, hoping to see the log-hut, but in vain; nothing but
the same wearisome monotony met my view. The sun
was now high, and I could easily see that I was following
out the direction Halkett gave me, and which I continued
to repeat over and over to myself as I went along. This,
and watching my shadow — the only one that touched the
earth — were my occupations. It may seem absurd, even
to downright folly, but when from any change in the
direction of my course the shadow did not fall in front of
me, where I could mark it, my spirits fell, and my heavy
heart grew heavier.
When, however, it did precede me, I was never wearied
watching how it dived down the little slopes, and rose
again on the opposite bank, bending with each swell of
the ground. Even this was companionship — its very
motion smacked of life.
At length I came upon a little pool of rain-water, and,
although far from clear, it reflected the bright blue sky
and white clouds so temptingly that I sat down beside
it to make my breakfast. As I sat thus, Hope was again
with me, and I fancied how — in some long distant time,
when favoured by fortune, and possessed of every worldly
gift, with rank, and riches, and honour — I should remember
the hour when, a poor friendless outcast, I ate my lonely
meal on Anticosti. I fancied, even, how friends would
listen almost incredulously to the tale, and with what
traits of pity, or of praise, they would follow me in my story.
I felt I was not doomed to die in that dreary land, that
my own courage would sustain me; and thus armed, I
again set out.
Although I walked from daybreak to late evening, it
was only a short time before darkness closed in that I saw
a bulky mass straight before me, which I knew must be
the log-house. I could scarcely drag my legs along a few
CON CREGAN 153
moments before, but now I broke into a run, and with
many a stumble, and more than one fall — for I never
turned my eyes from the hut — I at last reached a little
cleared spot of ground, in the midst of which stood the
' Refuge-house.'
What a moment of joy was that, as, unable to move
farther, I sat down upon a little bench in front of the hut !
All sense of my loneliness, all memory of my desolation,
was lost in an instant. There was my home ; how strange
a word for that sad-looking hut of pine-logs, in a lone
island, uninhabited ! No matter ; it would be my shelter
and my refuge till better days came round ; and with that
stout resolve I entered the great roomy apartment, which,
in the settling gloom of night, seemed immense.
Striking a light, I proceeded to take a survey of my
territory, which I rejoiced to see contained a great metal
stove, and an abundant supply of bed-clothing, precautions
required by the frequency of ships being ice-bound in these
latitudes. There were several casks of biscuits, some flour,
a large chest of maize, besides three large tanks of water,
supplied by the rain. A few bags of salt, and some
scattered objects of clothing, completed the catalogue,
which, if not very luxurious, contained nearly everything
of absolute necessity.
I lighted a good fire in the stove, less because I felt
cold, for it was still autumn, than for the companionship
of the bright blaze and the crackling wood. This done, I
proceeded to make myself a bed on one of the platforms,
arranged like bed-places round the walls, and of which I
saw the upper ones seemed to have a preference in the
opinion of my predecessors, since in these the greater
part of the bed-clothing was to be found, a choice I could
easily detect the reason of, in the troops of rats which
walked to and fro, with a most contemptuous indifference
to my presence, some of them standing near me while I
made my bed, and looking, as doubtless they felt, con-
siderably surprised at the nature of my operations.
154 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Promising myself to open a spirited campaign against
them on the morrow, I trimmed and lighted a large lamp,
which from its position had defied their attempt on the
oil it still contained, and then, a biscuit in hand, betook
myself to bed, watching, with an interest not, I own,
altogether pleasant, the gambols of these primitive
natives of Anticosti.
From my earliest years I had an antipathy to rats — so
great that it mastered all the instincts of my courage. I
feared them with a fear I should not have felt in presence
of a wild beast, and I was confident that, had I been
attacked vigorously by even a single rat, the natural
disgust would have rendered me unable to cope with him.
When very young, I remembered hearing the story of
an officer, who, desirous of visiting the vaults under St.
Patrick's Church, in Dublin, descended into them under
the escort of the sexton. By some chance they separated
from each other, and the sexton, after in vain seeking and
calling for his companion for several hours, concluded
that he had already returned to the upper air; and so
he returned also, locking and barring the heavy door,
as was his wont. The following day the officer's friends,
alarmed at his absence, proceeded to make search for
him through the city, and at last, learning that he had
visited the cathedral, went thither, and even examined
the vaults, when, what was their horror to discover
a portion of the brass ornament of his shako, and
a broken sword, in the midst of several hundreds of
rats, dead and dying — the terrible remains of a combat
that must have lasted for hours. This story, for the truth
of which some persons yet living will vouch, I heard when
a mere child, and perhaps to its influence may I date a
species of terror that has always been too much for either
my reason or my courage.
If I slept, then, it was more owing to my utter weari-
ness and exhaustion than to that languid frame of mind ;
and, although too tired to dream, my first waking thought
CON CREGAN 155
was how to commence hostilities against the rats. As to
any personal hand-to-hand action, I need scarcely say
I declined engaging in such, and my supply of gunpowder
being scanty, the method I hit upon was to make a species
of grenade, by inserting a quantity of powder with a
sufficiency of broken glass into a bottle, leaving an
aperture through the cork for a fuse ; then, having
smeared the outside of the bottle plentifully with oil, of
which I discovered a supply in bladders suspended from
the ceiling, I returned to my berth, with the other ex-
tremity of the fuse in my hand, ready to ignite when the
moment came.
I had not long to wait ; my enemies, bold from long
impunity, came fearlessly forward, and surrounded the
bottle in myriads ; it became a scene like an election row,
to witness their tumbling and rolling over each other.
Nor could I bring myself to cut short the festivity, till I
began to entertain fears for the safety of the bottle, which
already seemed to be loosened from its bed of clay. Then
at last I applied a match to my cord, and almost before I
could cover my head with the blanket, the flask exploded,
with a crash and a cry that showed me its success. The
battlefield was truly a terrible sight, for the wounded
were far more numerous than the dead, and I, shame to
say, had neither courage nor humanity to finish their
sufferings, but lay still, while their companions dragged
them away in various stages of suffering.
I at first supposed that this was an exploit that could
succeed but once, and that the well-known sagacity of
the creatures would have made them avoid so costly
a temptation. Nothing of the kind ; they were perfect
Scythians in their love of oil ; and as often as I repeated
my experiment, they were ready to try their fortunes.
Or perhaps they had some of the gambler's element in
their nature, and each felt that he might win where
others lost.
I had made Halkett a promise that for a couple of days,
156 THE CONFESSIONS OF
at least, I would not hoist the signal-flag, lest any accident
should induce Sir Dudley to suspect my place of refuge,
so that I was completely reduced to my campaign against
the rats for occupation and amusement. So far as I could
discover, the little island, traverse it how I would, never
varied — the same rise and swell of surface, clad with loose
stones, lay on every side ; and so depressing had this
mournful uniformity become to me, that I rarely ventured
out of the hut, or, when I did, it was to sit upon the little
bench outside the door, from which a sea-view extended
over the wide waters of the Gulf.
To sit here and try to decipher the names cut into the
wood was my constant occupation. What histories, too,
did I weave of those who carved these letters ; and how
did they fix themselves in my mind, each name suggesting
an identity, till I felt as if I had known them intimately.
Some seemed the precious work of weeks ; and it was easy
to see that after the letters were cut, the sculptor had
gone on embellishing and ornamenting his work for very
lack of labour. Others, again, were mere initials, and one
was a half-finished name, leaving me to the perpetual
doubt whether he had been rescued from its captivity
or died ere it was completed.
Between my hours spent here and the little duties of
my household, with usually three or four explosions
against my rats, the day went over — I will not say rapidly,
but pass it did ; and each night brought me nearer to the
time when I should hoist my signal and hope — ay, that
was the great supporter through all — hope for rescue.
It was now the third night of my being on the island,
and I sat at my fire trying to invent some new mode for
the destruction of my enemies, for my last charge of
powder had been expended. I had nothing remaining
save the loading in my pistol. It was true that I had
succeeded to a great extent ; the creatures no longer
appeared with their former air of assurance, nor in large
bodies. Their army was evidently disorganised ; they no
CON CEEGAN 157
longer took the field in battalions, but in scattered guerilla
parties, without discipline or courage. Even had my
ammunition lasted, it is more than doubtful that my
tactics would have continued to have the same success :
they had begun to dread the bottle, like a reformed
drunkard. Often have I seen them approach within a
few feet of it, and wait patiently till some younger and
more adventurous spirit would venture nearer, and then,
at the slightest stir — the least rustling of my bed-clothes
— away they went in full career. It was evident that the
secret, like most great mysteries of the same kind, had
had its day. This was consolatory, too, as I had no longer
the means of continuing my siege operations ; while the
caution and reserve of the enemy suggested a system of
defence of the simplest, but most effectual, kind, which
was, to place a certain number of bottles at different parts
of the hut, the very sight of which inspired terror ; and
if followed by any noise, was certain to secure me, for
some time at least, from all molestation.
Shall I tell the reader how this stratagem first occurred
to me ? It was simply thus : In one of the early but
unrecorded years of my history, I used to act as driver
to the Moate and Kilbeggan caravan — not, indeed, as the
recognised coachee of that very rickety and most pre-
carious conveyance, but as a kind of ' deputy assistant '
to the paid official, who, having a wife at Kilbeggan,
usually found some excuse for stopping at Clara, and
sending me forward with the passengers — a proceeding,
I am bound to own, not over consistent with humanity to
' man or beast.' Many were the misadventures of that
luckless conveniency, and the public were loud in their
denunciations of it ; but as nobody knew the proprietors,
nor did the most searching scrutiny detect the existence
of a 'way-bill,' the complaints were uttered to the wind,
and I was at full liberty ' to do my stage ' in three hours,
or one-half the time, as I fancied.
The passengers at length learned this valuable fact,
158 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and found that greasing my palm was a sure method of
oiling the wheels. All complaints gradually subsided; in
fact, the dumb animals were the only ones who had any
right to make them. I drove then at a very brisk pace
— a thriving trade — the caravan became popular, and my
fame rose, as the horses' condition declined. At last the
secret was discovered ; and instead of my imposing whip
of four yards and a half of whip-cord, they reduced me
to a stunted bit of stick, with a little drooping lash that
wouldn't reach the tail of my one leader. My receipts
fell off from that hour; in fact, instead of praises and
sixpences, I now got nothing but curses and hard names ;
and at one hill, near 'Horse-leap,' which I used in my
prosperous days to ' go at ' in a slashing canter, amid a
shower of encomiums, I was now obliged to stagger slowly
up, with four-and- twenty small farmers, and maybe a
priest, in full cry at my sulkiness, laziness, incivility, and
other good gifts; and all this, ay, and more, for lack of
a bit of whip-cord.
I have been told that very great people will stoop to
low alliances when hard pressed; even cabinet ministers,
I believe, have now and then acknowledged very dubious
allies. Let not Con Cregan, then, be reproached if he
called in the help of a little barefooted boy, who used
to beg on the hill of Horse-leap, and who, at the sound of
the approaching caravan, sallied forth with a long branch
of an ash-tree, and belaboured the team into some faint
resemblance to a canter. Through this auxiliary I re-
covered in part my long-lost popularity, and was likely
to be again reinstated in public favour, when my assistant
caught the measles, and I was once more reduced to my
own efforts.
In this emergency I had nothing for it but a stratagem ;
and so, as the conveyance arrived at the foot of the hill,
and the horses, dropping their heads, were gradually
subsiding into the little shuffling amble that precedes
a slow walk, I used to scream out at the top of my
CON CREGAN 159
voice all my accustomed exhortations to the boy : ' Ah,
hit him again, Tommy— into him, boy — under the traces,
my lad ! — give him enough of it ! — welt him well ! Ha !
there ! ' exclamations that, from old associations, always
stimulated the wretched beasts into a canter ; and under
the impression of this salutary terror, we used to reach the
top almost as speedily as in the old days of the penal code.
The same device now aided me against the rats of
Anticosti; and if any one will say to what end this
narrative of an encounter so insignificant, my answer is,
that, whether in the St. Lawrence or in St. Stephen's, rats
are far more formidable than their size or strength would
seem to imply; and whether they nibble your rags or
your reputation, their success is invariably the same.
Four days had now elapsed, and I concluded that the
yacht must ere this have been miles on her voyage up the
river. The next morning, then, I should venture to hoist
the signal, and thus apprise the passing ships that one
deserted and forlorn creature, at least, still lingered on
the miserable island.
I sat at my fire till a late hour. I was lower in spirits
than usual. I had watched the Gulf from sunrise to
sunset, and without seeing one sail upon its surface. A
light breeze was blowing from the northward, and on this
I supposed many of the outward vessels would be borne
along, but not one appeared. From time to time a fleeting
cloud, resting for a moment on the horizon, would assume
the semblance of a ship, but at length I grew accustomed
to these deceptions, and suffered little or no disappoint-
ment when a second glance at the spot failed to detect
them.
Once or twice the thought crossed my mind that I
might never leave the island, that winter might close in
and the Gulf be frozen before I could make my escape ;
and I actually shuddered at the very notion of a fate so
terrible. I cowered nearer to the fire as the flame subsided,
and was sitting with my hands outstretched over the
160 THE CONFESSIONS OF
blaze, when the sudden crash of one of the bottles behind
startled me. Were the rats already regaining courage in
anticipation of the time when I could no longer resist
them? With this idea I turned my head round. The
flame threw a long ray of light upon the floor as I moved,
and in the midst of this I beheld, at a distance of about
three yards off, a large black head, with two immense and
bloodshot eyes, glaring fixedly at me. It seemed to rise
out of the earth, above which it rose scarcely more than a
foot in height.
Paralysed by terror, I could not stir, I could scarcely
breathe, as with a slow and nodding motion the large
black face came nearer ; and now I could see that it was a
man — a negro — who on hands and knees was slowly
creeping towards me. Overwhelmed by fear as I was, I
noted the features, as marked by age and worn by want ;
they resembled those of a wild beast rather than of
a human creature. More from the force of a mere
mechanical impulse, than with any notion of defence, for
which my terror totally incapacitated me, I had drawn my
pistol from my bosom, and held it pointed towards him.
' No fire ! — no fire ! ' cried the creature, in a low faint voice,
and at the same time, while resting on one hand, he held
up with the other a long bright knife in an attitude of
menace.
' No nearer, then ! ' screamed I, as I fell back beside the
stove, and still kept my eyes fixed upon him, whom now I
knew to be the Black Boatswain ; and thus we remained,
each watching the other, while the fire flickered and threw
its fitful glare over the gloomy space around us. As we
were thus, I saw, or I thought I saw, the negro stealthily
drawing up his legs, as if for a spring, and in my terror I
believe I should have pulled the trigger, when suddenly
the knife dropped from his hand, and pointing with his
finger to his dry, cracked lips, he said, ' A-boire ' — water.
The look of earnest, almost passionate entreaty of the
poor creature's face — the expression of want and misery,
Con's Visitor at the Hxl1
CON CREGAN 161
struggling with a faint hope, as he uttered these words,
routed all fears for myself, and filling a cup from the
tank with water, I emptied the last remaining drops *of
my brandy-flask into it, and held it to his mouth.
He swallowed it greedily ; and then clasping my wrist
with his gaunt and bony fingers, held me fast for a few
seconds, while he recovered his breath; at last, with an
effort that seemed almost convulsive, he said some words
in Spanish, which I could not understand. I shook my
head to show him my ignorance of the language, and then
fixing his eye full upon me, he said, ' Alone, here ? boy
alone ? '
Understanding that this referred to myself, I answered
at once, that I was alone, and had been deserted by my
companions.
' Bad men, white men ! ' cried he, twisting his mouth
savagely ; while again he pointed to his lips, and muttered
' Water ! ' I endeavoured to free myself from his grasp to
fill the cup once more ; but he held me firmly, and showed
by a sign that he wished me to assist him to reach the
tank. I accordingly stooped down to help him, and now
perceived that he could do little more than drag his legs
forward and support himself on the knees, being either
wholly or in part paralysed from his hips downwards.
' Ah, f oco ! ' cried he, twice or thrice, and then changed to
the word ' Feu ! ' ' Le feu ! ' on which his gaze was fixed
with a horrid earnestness.
It was not without labour and much exertion that I
succeeded in dragging him near the embers of the fire ;
but having done so, I quickly replenished the dying flame,
and fanning it with my hat, soon succeeded in making a
cheerful blaze once more. ' Buono ! goot ! goot ! ' said he,
several times, as he held his shrivelled and wasted fingers
almost into the fire.
'Are you hungry?' said I, bending down to make
myself heard.
He nodded twice.
13 L
162 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Can you eat biscuit ? I have nothing else,' said I ; for I
half feared that the hard dry food would be impracticable
for his almost toothless jaws. He said something about
' Guisado,' once or twice ; and at last made a sign, that I
understood to mean that the biscuit might be softened
in water for him. And with that I placed a pot of water
on the fire, and soon saw by the expression of his eye
that I had divined his meaning.
As I continued to blow the fire, and occasionally
examined the water to see if it boiled, I could mark that
the negro's eyes never once quitted me, but, with a restless
activity, followed me wherever I went, or whatever I did ;
and, although from his age, and the dreadful infirmity he
laboured under, I felt I should prove his equal in any
struggle, I own that I cast many a sidelong look towards
him, lest he should take me by surprise. That he was the
notorious Black Boatswain of whom I had heard so much,
I had no doubt whatever; and I felt not a little vain of
my own courage and presence of mind, as I saw myself so
possessed and collected in such company.
' Give ! give ! ' cried he impatiently, as I examined
the mess of steeping biscuit, and for which he seemed
ravenously eager; and at length I removed it from the
fire, and placed it before him. Such voracity as his I
never witnessed, save in the case of Sir Dudley's lions ; he
crammed the food with both hands into his mouth, and
devoured it with all the savage earnestness of a wild
beast. Twice was I obliged to replenish the mess ; and
each time did it vanish with the same despatch.
He now lay back on one arm, and, half closing his eyes,
appeared as if he was going asleep ; but at the least stir or
movement on my part, I saw that his wild red-streaked
eyes followed me at once.
Halkett had given me a little bag of tobacco at part-
ing, saying, that although I was no smoker, I should soon
learn to become one in my solitude. This I now produced,
and offered him a handful.
CON CREGAN 163
The dark features were immediately lighted up with an
almost frantic expression of pleasure, as he clutched the
precious weed; and tearing off a fragment of the paper,
he rolled it into the shape of a cigarette.
'No smoke?' asked he, as I sat watching his pre-
parations.
I shook my head. ' Ah ! ' cried he, laying down the
tobacco before him. ' Tehoka, here ! ' said he, pointing
to it.
' I don't understand,' said I ; ' what is Tehoka ? '
' Bad ! bad ! ' said he, shaking both hands ; ' weed make
negro so — so ,' and he opened his mouth wide, and
dropped his arms heavily backwards, to represent sickness,
or perhaps death.
' No, no,' said I ; ' this is good, a friend gave it to me.'
' Smoke,' said he, pushing it over towards me ; and I
saw now that my abstaining had excited his suspicions.
' If you like I will smoke,' said I, setting to work to
manufacture a cigar like his own.
He sat eyeing me all the while ; and when I proceeded
to fill it with tobacco he leaned over to see that I did not
attempt any sleight of hand to deceive him.
'Will that do?' said I, showing him the little paper
tube.
' Smoke,' said he gravely.
It was only after watching me for several minutes
that he took courage to venture himself; and even then
he scrutinised the tobacco as keenly as though it demanded
all his acuteness to prevent stratagem. At length he did
begin ; and certainly never did anything seem to effect a
more powerful and more immediate influence. The fiery
restless eyes grew heavy and dull; the wide-distended
nostrils ceased to dilate with their former convulsive
motion. His cheek, seamed with privation and passion,
lay flaccid and at rest, and a look of lethargic ease stole
over all the features one by one, till at last the head fell
forward on his chest ; his arm slipped softly from beneath
164 THE CONFESSIONS OF
him, and he rolled heavily back — sunk in the deepest
sleep.
I soon abandoned my tobacco now, which had already
begun to produce a feeling of giddiness and confusion, very
unfavourable to cool determination— sensations which did
not subside so readily as I could have wished ; for as I sat
gazing on my swarthy companion, fancies the wildest
and most absurd associated themselves with the strange
reality. The terrible tales I once listened to about the
' Black Boatswain ' came to mingle with the present. The
only remnant of right reason left prompted me to keep
up my fire : a certain terror of being alone, and in the
dark, with the negro, predominating over every other
thought.
By the bright blaze, which soon arose, I could now mark
the enormous figure, which, in all the abandonment of
heavy slumber, lay outstretched before me. Although it
was evident he was very old, the gigantic limbs showed
what immense strength he must have possessed ; while in
the several white cicatrices that marked his flesh I could
reckon a great number of wounds, some of them of fearful
extent. The only covering he wore was a piece of sail-
cloth wrapped round his body ; over this he had a blanket,
through a round hole in which his head issued, like as in a
Mexican poncho, leaving his sinewy limbs perfectly naked.
A bit of ragged, worn bunting — part, as it seemed, of an
old union-jack — was bound round his head, and, in its
showy colours, served to enhance the stern expression of
his harsh features.
As my senses became clearer I began to imagine how
it happened that he came to the hut, since, in all the
narratives I had heard of him, the greatest doubt existed
that he was still living, so effectually did he manage his
concealment. At last, and by dint of much thought, I hit
upon what I suspected to be the real solution of the
difficulty, which was, that he was accustomed to venture
hither whenever the signal-flag was not hoisted ; and, as I
CON CREGAN 165
had not done so, that he was under the belief that he was
the only living man on the island.
That he must have contrived his hiding-place with great
success was clear enough ; for, whether the allegations
against him were true or false, they were so universally
believed by sailors, that if he had been discovered they
would unquestionably have carried him off to Quebec. It
was now in my power ' to do the state this service ' ; and
I began to canvass with myself all the reasons for and
against it. If, on the one hand, it reminded me of the
old legends I used to read about striplings that led captive
huge giants or fierce dragons, on the other I felt it would
be a species of treachery to one who had eaten bread from
my hands. Besides, to what end — even supposing him
guilty to any extent — to what end bring him now to
justice, when a few days, or hours, perhaps, would close
a life whose suffering was manifest enough ! And lastly,
was I so certain of escape myself that I already plotted
carrying away a prisoner with me ? The last reflection
saved me the trouble of thinking much more on the
others ; and so I fell a-pondering over myself and my
destitution.
Not long was I permitted to indulge in such reveries ;
for the negro now began to dream, and talk aloud with a
rapidity of utterance and vehemence very different from
the monosyllabic efforts he had favoured me with. As
the language was Spanish I could catch nothing of his
meaning ; but I could see that some fearful reminiscence
was agitating his mind by the working of his fingers, and
the violent contortions of his face.
In the struggle of his paroxysm — for it was really little
less — he tore open the coarse rag of canvas that he wore,
and I could perceive something fastened round his neck by
a piece of spun-yarn. At first I thought it one of those
charms that seamen are so fond of carrying about them —
amulets, against Heaven knows what kind of dangers :
but, on stooping down, I perceived it was an old leather
166 THE CONFESSIONS OF
pocket-book, which once had been red, but by time and
dirt was almost black.
More than once he clutched this in his hand, with a
wild energy as if it was his heart's treasure, and then the
great drops of sweat would start out upon his forehead,
and his parted lips would quiver with agony. In one of
these struggles he tore the book from the cord, and
opening it, seemed to seek for something among its
contents. The rapidity of the movement, and the seem-
ing collectedness of every gesture, made me believe that he
was awake; but I soon saw that his great and staring
eyeballs were not turned to the spot, but were fixed on
vacancy.
His motions were now more and more hurried : at one
time his fingers would turn over the papers in the pocket-
book, at another he would grope with his hand along the
ground, and pat the earth down with his palm, as if, having
buried something in the earth, he would conceal every
trace of it from discovery; and at these moments the
Spanish word 'oro' — gold — would escape him in a half-
sigh, and this, and the word ' Guajuaqualla,' were the only
ones I could catch ; but my mind retained both for many
a day after.
At last he crushed the papers hurriedly together and
closed the pocket-book: but in doing so a single slip of
paper fell to the ground. I leaned over and caught it,
and by the light of the fire I read the following lines,
which were in print, and apparently cut from the column
of a newspaper : —
One Thousand Dollars Reward.
Any one will be entitled to the above reward who may
detect, or give such information as may lead to the detection,
of Menelaus Crick, a negro slave, aged forty-eight ; he stands
six feet two high; broad chest and shoulders, the right higher
than the left ; has marks of the lash on back, and two cutlass
scars on the face ; the great toe of the left foot is wanting,
CON CREGAN 167
and he walks occasionally ivith difficulty, from a gunshot
wound in the spine.
As he is a felloiv of resolute character and great strength,
all persons are hereby warned not to attempt his capture, save
in sufficient numbers. He tvas last seen at San Luis, and
is supposed to have gone in the direction of Guajuaqualla,
where it is said he ivorked once as a gold-washer.
Address — The Office of the ' Picayune ' — Letter — T. G
B , New Orleans.
There were a few words in Spanish scrawled on the back.
' Here is the man ! ' said I, looking down on the sleeping
figure ; ' who would have thought a thousand dollars could
be made of him ? ' Not, indeed, that I speculated on such an
unholy gain. — No, the very offer enlisted my sympathies in
favour of the poor wretch ; besides, how many years ago
must that advertisement have appeared ; he was forty-
eight at that time, and now his age might be nigh eighty.
My curiosity became intense to see the contents of the
pocket-book, from which I could fancy abundant materials
to eke out the negro's history. I am afraid that nothing
but the terror of discovery prevented my stealing it. I
even planned how it might be done without awaking him ;
but the long bright knife which glistened in the strap of
his blanket admonished me to prudence, and I abstained.
My fire waxed fainter as the dawn drew nigh, and as I
was afraid of sleep coming over me, I stepped noiselessly
from the hut and gained the open air. My first occupa-
tion was to hoist the signal ; and as it rose into the air I
watched its massive folds unfurling with a throb of hope
that gave me new courage. The standard was very lofty,
and stood upon a mound of earth ; and as the flag itself
was large I had every reason to think it could not escape
notice. Scarcely, indeed, had I made fast the halyard,
than I beheld on the very verge of the horizon what
seemed to be a vessel. The moment of sunrise, like that
of sunset, is peculiarly favourable to distinct vision, and
as the pink line of dawn sheeted over the sea, the dark
168 THE CONFESSIONS OF
object stood out clear and sharp ; but the next moment the
glare of brighter day covered sky and water together, and
I could no longer see the ship.
In my anxiety to try and catch sight of it from another
spot, I hastened down to the shore ; but already a rosy tint
was spread over the wide sea, and nothing was discernible
except the heaving waves, and the streaked sky above
them.
I sat upon a rock straining my eyes, but to no purpose ;
and at last the cold raw air pierced through me, and I
remembered that I had left my jacket in the hut. But for
this, indeed, I would not have returned to it ; for, without
absolute fear of the negro, his repulsive features, and
scowling look, made his companionship far from pleasur-
able. His suspicion of me, too, might have led him to
some act of violence ; and therefore I determined, if I were
even to seek shelter in the Refuge-house at the other end
of the island, I would not go back to this one.
It was some time before I could summon courage to
venture back again; and even when I had reached the
door it was not without a struggle with myself that I
dared to enter. The daylight was now streaming in across
the long and dreary chamber, and encouraged by this I
stepped across the threshold. My first glance was towards
the stove, where I had left him lying asleep. The fire had
burned out, and the negro was gone ! With cautious steps,
and many a prying glance around, I ventured forward, my
heart thumping with a fear I cannot explain, since his
very presence had not caused such terror; but nowhere
was he to be found — not a trace of him remained. Indeed,
were it not for the scrap of printed paper, which I had
carefully preserved, I should have believed the whole
events of the night to be the mere fancies of a dream.
Twice was I obliged to take it from my pocket and read
it over to assure myself that I was not pursuing some
hallucination of sleep ; and if I felt convinced that the
events were real, and had actually happened, I will frankly
CON CREGAN 169
own that the reality inspired me with a sense of fear which
no memory of a mere vision could have inspired.
Daylight is a bold companion, however, and where night
would make the heart beat fast, and the cheek pale, the
sun will give a strong pulse and a ruddy face. This I could
not help feeling, as I acknowledged to myself that had it
been yet dark, I had rather have perished with cold than
sought for my jacket within the hut.
At last, grown bolder, I had even courage to seek for
the negro on every side. I examined the berths along the
walls ; I searched the recesses beside the biscuit-casks ; I
removed planks and turned over sails, but without success.
The difficulty with which he moved made this seem doubly
strange, and satisfied me that his place of concealment
could not be far off ; nay, possibly, at that very moment
he might be actually watching me, and waiting for a
favourable instant to pounce upon me. This dread in-
creased as my search continued to be fruitless ; so that I
abandoned the pursuit, assured that I had done every-
thing that could have been asked either of my courage or
humanity, nor was I sorry to assure myself that I had
done enough.
My interest in the subject was soon superseded by one
nearer to my heart ; for as I left the hut I beheld, about
four miles off, a large three-masted vessel bearing up the
Gulf, with all her canvas spread. Forgetting the distance,
and everything save my longing to be free, I ascended a
little eminence, and shouted with all my might, waving my
handkerchief back and forward above my head. I cannot
describe the transport of delight I felt at perceiving that
a flag was hoisted to the main peak, and soon after lowered
— a recognition of the signal which floated above me. I
even cried aloud with joy, and then, in the eagerness of
my ecstasy, I set off along the shore, seeking out the best
place for a boat to run in.
Never did a ship appear so glorious an object to my
eyes : her spars seemed more taper, her sails more snowy,
170 THE CONFESSIONS OF
her bearing prouder than ever a vessel owned before ; and
when at length I could distinguish the figures of men in
the rigging, my heart actually leaped to my mouth with
delight.
At last she backed her topsail, and now I saw shooting
out from beneath her tall sides a light pinnace that
skimmed the water like a sea-bird. As if they saw me,
they headed exactly towards where I stood, and ran the
craft into a little bay just at my feet. A crew of four
sailors and coxswain now jumped ashore and advanced
towards me.
' Are there many of you ? ' said the coxswain gruffly,
and as though nothing were a commoner occurrence in
life than to rescue a poor forlorn fellow-creature from an
uninhabited rock.
' I am alone, sir,' said I, almost bursting into tears for
mingled joy and disappointment ; for I was, I own it, dis-
appointed at the want of sympathy for my lone condition.
'What ship did you belong to, boy?' asked he, as
shortly as before.
' A yacht, sir — the Firefly.'
' Ah, that 's it ; so they shoved you ashore here. That 's
what comes of sailing with gentlemen, as they calls 'em.'
' No, sir ; we landed — a few of us — during a calm '
' Ay, ay,' he broke in, ' I know all that — the old story :
you landed to shoot rabbits, and somehow you got
separated from the others ; the wind sprang up mean-
time — the yacht fired a gun to come off — eh, isn't that it ?
Come, my lad, no gammon with me. You 're some infernal
young scamp that was " had up " for punishment, and they
either put you ashore here for the rats, or you jumped
overboard yourself, and floated hither on a spare hen-
coop. But never mind — we'll give you a run to Quebec;
jump in.'
I followed the order with alacrity, and soon found
myself on board the Hampden transport, which was
conveying the — th Regiment of Foot to Canada.
CON CREGAN 171
' No one but this here boy, sir,' said the coxswain,
shoving me before him towards the skipper, who, amidst
a crowd of officers in undress, sat smoking on the after-
deck.
A very significant grunt seemed to imply that the
vessel's way was lost for very slight cause.
' He says as how he belonged to a yacht, sir,' resumed
the coxswain.
' Whose yacht, boy ? ' asked one of the officers.
' Sir Dudley Broughton's, sir ; the Firefly? said I.
' Broughton ! Broughton ! ' said an old shrewd-looking
man in a f oraging-cap ; ' don't you know all about him ?
but, to be sure, he was before you?' day ' ; and then chang-
ing his discourse to French, with which language, thanks
to my kind old friend Father Rush, I was sufficiently
acquainted to understand what was said, he added, ' Sir
Dudley was in the Life Guards once ; his wife eloped with
a Russian or a Polish count — I forget which — and he
became deranged in consequence. . . . Were you long
with Sir Dudley, boy?' asked he, addressing me in
English.
' Not quite two months, sir.'
' Not a bad spell with such a master ! ' resumed he, in
French ; ' if the stories they tell of him be true. How did
you happen to be left on Anticosti ? '
' No use in asking, captain ! ' broke in the skipper.
' You never get a word of truth from chaps like that ; go
for'ard, boy.'
And "with this brief direction I was dismissed. All my
fancied heroism — all my anticipated glory — vanishing at
once ; the only thought my privations excited being that
I was a young scamp, who, if he told the truth, would
confess that all his sufferings and misfortunes had been
but too well merited.
This was another lesson to me in life, and one which
perhaps I could not have acquired more thoroughly than
by a few days on Anticosti.
A GLIMPSE OF ANOTHER
OPENING IN LIFE
LTHOUGH only a few hundred
miles from Quebec, our voyage
still continued for several days ;
the Hampden, like all trans-
port-ships, was only ' great in a calm,' and the Gulf -stream
being powerful enough to retard far better sailers.
To those who, like myself, were not pressed for time,
or had no very pleasing vista opening to them on shore,
the voyage was far from disagreeable. As the channel
narrowed, the tall mountains of Vermont came into view,
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 173
and gradually the villages on the shore could be detected
— small dark clusters in the midst of what appeared
interminable pine-forests. Here and there less pleasant
sights presented themselves in the shape of dismasted
hulks, being the remains of vessels which had got fastened
in the ice of the early ' fall,' and were deserted by the crews.
On the whole it was novelty, and novelty alone, lent
any charm to the picture; for the shores of the Gulf,
until you come within two days' journey of Quebec, are
sadly discouraging and dreary. The log-house is itself a
mournful object; and when seen standing alone in some
small clearing, with blackened stumps studding the space,
through which two or three figures are seen to move, is
inexpressibly sad-looking and solitary.
Now and then we would pass some little town, with a
humble imitation of a harbour for shipping, and a quay ;
and in the midst a standard, with a flag, would denote
that some Government official resided there — the reward,
doubtless, of some gallant deed, some bold achievement
afloat; for I heard that they were chiefly lieutenants in
the navy, who, having more intimacy with French grape
and canister than with ' First Lords,' were fain to spend
the remnant of their days in these gloomiest of exiles.
The absence of all signs of life and movement in the
picture cannot fail to depress the spectator. No team of
oxen draws the loaded waggon along ; not a plough is seen.
There are no gatherings of people in the open places of
the towns; no cattle can be descried on the hills. The
settlements appear like the chance resting-places of men
travelling through the dark forests, and not their homes
for life. At times a single figure would be seen on some
high cliff above the sea standing motionless, and, to all
seeming, watching the ship. I cannot say how deeply such
a sight always affected me ; and I could not help fancying
him some lone emigrant following with beating heart the
track he was never again to travel.
Apparently these things made a deeper impression on
174 THE CONFESSIONS OF
me than upon most others on board. As for the soldiers,
they were occupied with getting their arms and equip-
ments in order, to make a respectable appearance on
landing. It was one eternal scene of soap and pipeclay all
day long; and creatures barely able to crawl, from sea-
sickness and debility, were obliged to scour and polish
away as if the glory of England depended upon the show
the gallant — th would make the day we should set foot
on shore. The skipper, too, was bent on making an equally
imposing show to the landsmen; his weather topmasts
were stowed away, and in their place were hoisted some
light and taper spars, not exactly in accordance with the
lubberly hull beneath. Pitch and white paint were in
great requisition too ; and every day saw some half-dozen
of the crew suspended over the side, either scraping or
painting for the very life. Many a shirt dangled from the
boom, and more than one low-crowned hat received a
fresh coat of glistening varnish : all were intent on the
approaching landing, even to the group of lounging officers
on the poop, who had begun to reduce their beards and
whiskers to a more ' regulation ' standard, and who usually
passed the morning inspecting epaulettes and sword-knots,
shakos, gorgets, and such like, with the importance of men
who felt what havoc among the fair Canadians they were
soon about to inflict.
My services were in request among this section of the
passengers since I had become an expert hand at cleaning
arms and equipments with Sir Dudley; besides that, not
wearing his Majesty's cloth, the officers were at liberty to
talk to me with a freedom they could not have used
with their men. They were all more or less curious to
hear about Sir Dudley, of whom, without transgressing
Halkett's caution, I was able to relate some amusing par-
ticulars. As my hearers invariably made their comments
on my narratives in French, I was often amused to hear
them record their opinions of myself, expressed with
perfect candour in my own presence. The senior officer
CON CREGAN 175
was a Captain Pike, an old, keen-eyed, pock-marked man,
with a nose as thin as a sheet of parchment. He seemed
to read me like a book; at least, so far as I knew, his
opinions perfectly divined my true character.
' Our friend Con,' he would say, ' is an uncommonly
shrewd varlet, but he is only telling us some of the truth ;
he sees that he is entertaining enough, and won't produce
" Lafitte" so long as we enjoy his " Ordinaire.'"
' Now what will become of such a fellow as that ? '
asked another ; ' Heaven knows ! such rascals turn out
consummate scoundrels, or rise to positions of eminence.
Never was there a more complete lottery than the life of a
young rogue like that.'
' I can't fancy,' drawled out a young subaltern, ' how an
ignorant cur, without education, manners, and means, can
ever rise to anything.'
' Who can say whether he has not all these ? ' said the
captain quietly. ' Trust me, Carrington, you 'd cut a much
poorer figure in his place than would he in yours?
The ensign gave a haughty laugh, and the captain
resumed : ' I said, it were not impossible that he had each
of the three requisites you spoke of, and I repeat it. He
may, without possessing learning, have picked up that
kind of rudimentary knowledge, that keenness and zeal
improve on every day ; and as for tact and address, such
fellows possess both as a birthright. I have a plan in my
head for the youngster; but you must all pledge yourselves
to secrecy, or I '11 not venture upon it.'
Here a very general chorus of promises and ' on honours'
broke forth : after the subsidence of which Captain Pike
continued, still, however, in French ; and although being
far from a proficient in that tongue, I was able to follow
the tenor of his discourse, and divine its meaning, par-
ticularly as, from time to time, some of the listeners would
propound a question or two in English, by the aid of which
I invariably contrived to keep up with the ' argument.'
' You know, lads,' said the captain, ' that our old friend,
176 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Mrs. Davis, who keeps the boarding-house in the Upper
Town, has been always worrying us to bring her out what
she calls a first-rate man-servant from England ; by which
she means a creature capable of subsisting on quarter
rations, and who, too far from home to turn restive,
must put up with any wages. The very fact that
he came out special, she well knows, will be a puff for
the " Establishment " among the Canadian Members of
Parliament, and the small fry of officials who dine at the
house ; and as to qualifications, who will dare question the
" London footman " ? '
£ Pooh, pooh ! ' broke in Carrington ; ' that fellow don't
look like a London footman.'
' Who says he does ? ' retorted the captain ; ' who ever
said brass buttons and blue beads were gold and turquoise?
but they pass for the same in villages not fifty miles from
where we are sailing. Mother Davis was wife of a skipper
in the timber trade who died harbour-master here ; she is
not a very likely person to be critical about a butler or
footman's accomplishments.'
' By Jove ! ' cried another, ' Pike is all right ! go on with
your plan.'
' My plan is this : we '11 dress up our friend Con, here —
give him a few lessons about waiting at table, delivering
a message, and so forth— furnish him with a jolly set of
characters — and start him on the road of life with Mother
Davis.'
A merry roar of approving laughter broke forth from
the party at this brief summary of Captain Pike's inten-
tions; and, indeed, it was not without great difficulty I
avoided joining in it.
' He looks so devilish young ! ' said Carrington ; ' he
can't be fifteen.'
' Possibly not fourteen,' said Pike ; ' but we '11 shave his
head, and give him a wig. I '11 answer for the " make up " ;
and as I have had some experience of private theatricals,
rely on 't he '11 pass muster,'
CON CREGAN 177
' How will you dress him, Pike ? '
' In livery — a full suit of snuff -brown, lined with yellow ;
I '11 devote a large cloak I have to the purpose, and we '11
set the tailor at work to-day.'
' Is he to have shorts ? '
' Of course ; some of you must " stand " silk stockings
for him, for we shall have to turn him out with a good kit.'
A very generous burst of promises here broke in about
shirts, vests, cravats, gloves, and other wearables, which, I
own it, gave the whole contrivance a far brighter colouring
in my eyes than when it offered to be a mere lark.
' Will the rogue consent, think you ? ' asked Carrington.
' Will he prefer a bed, and a dinner, to nothing to eat,
and a siesta under the planks on the quays of Quebec?'
asked Pike contemptuously. ' Look at the fellow ! watch
his keen eyes and his humorous mouth when he 's speaking
to you, and say if he wouldn't do the thing for the fun of
it ? Not but a right clever chap like him will see something
besides a joke in the whole contrivance.'
' I foresee he '11 break down at the first go off,' said
Carrington ; who, through all the controversy, seemed
impressed with the very humblest opinion of my merits.
' I foresee exactly the reverse,' said Pike. ' I 've seldom
met a more acute youngster, nor one readier to take up
your meaning; and if the varlet doesn't get spoilt by
education, but simply follows out the bent of his own
shrewd intelligence, he '11 do well yet.'
' You rate him more highly than I do,' said Carrington
again.
' Not impossible either ; we take our soundings with
very dissimilar lead-lines,' said Pike scofnngly. 'My
opinion is formed by hearing the boy's own observa-
tions about character and life when he was speaking of
Broughton ; but if you were ten times as right about him,
and I twice as many times in the wrong, he '11 do for what
I intend him.'
The others expressed their full concurrence in the
13 M
178 THE CONFESSIONS OF
captain's view of the matter — voted me a phoenix of all
young vagabonds, and their brother officer Carrington a
downright ass, both being my own private sentiments to
the letter.
And now for an honest avowal! It was the flattery
of my natural acuteness — the captain's panegyric on
my aptitude and smartness — that won me over to a
concurrence in the scheme ; for, at heart, I neither liked
the notion of ' service,' nor the prospect of the abstemious
living he had so pointedly alluded to. Still, to justify the
favourable impression he had conceived of me, and also
with some half hope that I should see 'life' — the ruling
passion of my mind — under a new aspect, I resolved to
accept the proposition so soon as it should be made to me :
nor had I long to wait that moment.
' Con, my lad,' said the captain, ' you may leave that
belt there ; come aft here — I want to speak to you. What
are your plans when you reach Quebec ? Do you mean to
look after your old master, Sir Dudley, again ? '
' No, sir : I have had enough of salt water for a time —
I '11 keep my feet on dry land now.'
' But what line of life do you propose to follow ? '
I hesitated for the answer and was silent.
' I mean,' resumed he, ' is it your intention to become a
farm-servant with some of the emigrant families, or will
you seek for employment in the town ? '
' Or would you like to enlist, my lad ? ' broke in another.
' No, thank you, sir ; promotion is slow from the ranks,
and I 've a notion one ought to move " up," as they move
" on," in life.'
' Listen to the varlet now,' said Pike, in French ; ' the
fellow's as cool with us as if we were exactly his equals
and no more. I'll tell you what it is, lads,' added he
seriously, ' when such rogues journey the road of life
singly, they raise themselves to station and eminence ; but
when they herd together in masses, these are the fellows
who pull others down, and effect the most disastrous social
CON CREGAN 179
revolutions. So you'll not be a soldier, Con?' added he,
resuming the vernacular ; ' well, what are your ideas as to
the civil service ? '
' Anything to begin with, sir.'
' Quite right, lad — well said ; a fair start is all you
ask?'
'Why, sir, I carry no weight, either in the shape of
goods or character ; and if a light equipment gives speed,
I 've a chance to be placed well.'
The captain gave a side glance at the others as though
to say, ' Was I correct in my opinion of this fellow ? ' and
then went on — ' I have a thought in my head for you,
Con : there is a lady of my acquaintance at Quebec wants
a servant : now if you could pick up some notion of the
duties, I 've no doubt you 'd learn the remainder rapidly.'
' I used to wait on Sir Dudley, sir, and am therefore not
entirely ignorant.'
' Very true ; and as these gentlemen and myself will
put you into training while the voyage lasts, I hope you 11
do us credit in the end.'
' Much will depend on my mistress, sir,' said I — deter-
mining to profit by what I had overheard, but yet not use
the knowledge rashly or unadvisedly. ' Should she not be
very exacting and very particular, but have a little patience
with me, accepting zeal for skill, I 've no doubt, sir, I '11 not
discredit your recommendation.'
' That 's the very point I 'm coming to, Con,' said the
captain, lowering his voice to a most confidential tone.
' The true state of the case is this ' ; — and here he entered
upon an explanation which I need not trouble the reader
by recapitulating, since it merely went the length I have
already related, save that he added, in conclusion, this
important piece of information.
'Your golden rule, in every difficulty, will then be to
assure Mrs. Davis that you always did so, whatever it may
be, when you were living with Lord George, or Sir Charles,
or the Bishop of Drone. You understand me — eh ? '
180 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' I think so, sir,' said I, brightening up, and at the same
time stealing an illustration from my old legal practices.
' In Mrs. Davis' Court there are no precedents.'
' Exactly, Con ; hit the nail on the very head, my boy ! '
' It will not be a very difficult game, sir, if the guests
are like the mistress.'
'So they are for the most part; now and then you'll
have a military and naval officer at table, and you'll be
obliged to look out sharp, and not let them detect you ;
but with the skippers of merchantmen, dockyard people,
storekeepers, male and female, I fancy you can hold your
own.'
' Why, sir, I hope they '11 be satisfied with the qualifica-
tion that contented my former titled masters,' said I, with
a knowing twinkle of the eye he seemed to relish pro-
digiously, and an assumed tone of voice that suited well
the part I was to play.
' Come down below, now, and we '11 write your charac-
ters for you '; and so he beckoned the others to accompany
him to the cabin, whither I followed them.
An animated debate ensued as to the number and
nature of the certificates I ought to possess. Some being
of opinion that I should have those of every kind and
degree ; others alleging that my age forbade the likelihood
of my having served in more than two or three situations.
' What say you to this, lads ? ' said Pike, reading from
a rough and much-corrected draft before him.
' The bearer, Cornelius Cregan, has lived in my service
ten months as a page; he is scrupulously honest, active,
and intelligent, well acquainted with the duties of his
station, and competent to discharge them in the first
families. I now dismiss him at his own request. — Cecilia
Mendleshaw.'
' Gad ! I 'd rather make him start as what they call in
his own country a " Tay-boy," ' said Carrington, ' one of
those bits of tarnished gold-lace and gaiters seen about
the outskirts of Dublin/
CON CREGAN 181
' Your honour is right, sir,' said I, glad to show myself
above any absurd vanity on the score of my early begin-
ning ; ' a " Tay-boy," on the Rathmines road, able to drive
a jaunting-car, and wait at table.'
' That 's the mark, I believe,' said Pike. ' Suppose, then,
we say, Con Cregan has served me twelve months, waited
at table, and taken care of a horse and car.'
' Ah, sir ! ' said I, ' sure an Irish gentleman with a " Tay-
boy " would be finer spoken than that. It would be, " I
certify that Cornelius Cregan, who served in my establish-
ment as under-butler, and occasionally assisting the coach-
man, is a most respectable servant, well-mannered and
respectful, having always lived in high situations, and
with the most distinguished families." '
'Ah, that's it,' broke in Carrington; 'understands lamps,
and is perfectly competent to make jellies, soups, and
preserves.'
' Confound it, man ! you 're making him a cook.'
' By Jove, so I was ; it 's so hard to remember what the
fellow is.'
'I think we may leave it to himself,' said Pike; 'he
seems to have a very good notion of what is necessary ; so,
Master Con, write your own biography, my lad, and we '11
give it all the needful currency of handwriting and seal.'
' It 's a pity you 're a Papist,' said another, ' or you could
have such a recommendation from a "serious family," I
know of, in Surrey.'
'Never mind,' rejoined the captain, 'one signed "P. O.
Dowdlum, Bishop of Toronia," will do even better in the
Lower Province.'
' Exactly, sir ; and as I used to serve mass once, I can
"come out strong" about my early training with "his
grace ! " '
'Very well,' said Pike; 'tell the tailor to take your
measure for the livery, and you'll wait on us to-day at
table.' With this order I was dismissed to con over my
fictitious and speculate on my true ' character.'
QUEBEC
S viewed from Diamond Harbour, a more
striking city than Quebec is seldom seen. The great rock
rising above the Lower Town, and crowned with its
batteries, all bristling with guns, seemed to my eyes the
very realisation of impregnability. I looked from the
ship that lay tranquilly on the water below, and whose
decks were thronged with blue-jackets, to the Highlander
who paced his short path as sentry some hundred feet
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 183
high upon the wall of the fortress; and I thought to
myself, with such defenders as these, that standard
yonder need never carry any other banner.
The whole view is panoramic. The bending of the
river shuts out the channel by which you have made your
approach, giving the semblance of a lake on whose surface
vessels of every nation lie at anchor, some with the sails
hung out to dry, gracefully drooping from the taper spars;
others refitting again for sea, and loading the huge pine-
trunks, moored as vast rafts to the stern. There were
people everywhere: all was motion, life, and activity.
Jolly-boats with twenty oars, man-of-war gigs bounding
rapidly past them with eight ; canoes skimming by with-
out a ripple, and seemingly without impulse, till you
caught sight of the lounging figure who lay at full length
in the stern, and whose red features were scarce dis-
tinguishable from the copper-coloured bark of his boat.
Some moved upon the rafts, and even on single trunks of
trees, as, separated from the mass, they floated down on
the swift current, boathook in hand, to catch at the first
object chance might offer them. The quays, and the
streets leading down to them, were all thronged ; and, as
you cast your eye upwards, here and there above the tall
roofs might be seen the winding flight of stairs that lead
to the Upper Town, alike dark with the moving tide of
men. On every embrasure and gallery, on every terrace
and platform, it was the same. Never did I behold such a
human tide !
Now there was something amazingly inspiriting in all
this, particularly when coming from the solitude and
monotony of a long voyage. The very voices that ye-
hoed ; the hoarse challenge of the sentinels on the rock ;
the busy hum of the town — made delicious music to my
ear ; and I could have stood and leaned over the bulwark
for hours to gaze at the scene. I own no higher interest
invested the picture, for I was ignorant of Wolfe. I had
never heard of Montcalm ; the plains of ' Abra'm ' were to
184 THE CONFESSIONS OF
me but grassy slopes, and ' nothing more.' It was the life
and stir — the tide of that human ocean on which I longed
myself to be a swimmer — these were what charmed me.
Nor was the deck of the old Hampden inactive all the
while, although seldom attracting much of my notice.
Soldiers were mustering, knapsacks packing, rolls calling,
belts buffing, and coats brushing on all sides ; men
grumbling ; sergeants cursing ; officers swearing ; half-
dressed invalids popping up their heads out of hatch-
ways answering to wrong names, and doctors ordering
them down again with many an anathema ; soldiers in the
way of sailors, and sailors always hauling at something
that interfered with the inspection-drill ; every one in the
wrong place, and each cursing his neighbour for stupidity.
At last the shore-boats boarded us, as if our confusion
wanted anything to increase it. Red-faced harbour-
masters shook hands with the skipper and pilot, and
disappeared into the ' round-house ' to discuss grog and
the late gales. Officers from the garrison came out to
welcome their friends — for it was the second battalion
we had on board of a regiment whose first had been
some years in Canada — and then what a rush of inquiries
were exchanged. ' How 's the Duke ? ' ' All quiet in
England ? ' ' No signs of war in Europe ? ' ' Are the 8th
come home ? ' ' Where 's Forbes ? ' ' Has Davern sold
out?' — with a mass of such small interests as engage
men who live in coteries.
Then there were emissaries for newspapers eagerly
hunting for spicy rumours not found in the last journals ;
waiters of hotels, porters, boatmen, guides, Indians with
moccasins to sell, and a hundred other functionaries
bespeaking custom and patronage ; and, although often
driven over the side most ignominiously at one moment,
certain to reappear the next at the opposite gangway.
How order could ever be established in this floating
Babel I knew not, and yet at last all got into train
somehow.
CON CREGAN 185
First one large boat crammed with men, who sat even
on the gunwales, moved slowly away ; then another and
another followed ; a lubberly thing, half lighter half jolly-
boat, was soon loaded with baggage — amid which some
soldiers' wives and a scattering population of babies were
seen ; till by degrees the deck was cleared, and none
remained of all that vast multitude save the ' mate ' and
the ' watch ' ; who proceeded to get things ' ship-shape '
pretty much in the same good-tempered spirit servants
are accustomed to put the drawing-rooms to rights after
an entertainment which has kept them up till daylight,
and allows of no time for sleep. Till then I had not the
slightest conception of what a voyage ended meant, and
that when the anchor dropped from the bow a scene of
bustle ensued to which nothing at sea bore any proportion.
Now I had no friends : no one came to welcome me, none
asked for my name. The officers, even the captain, in the
excitement of arriving, had forgotten all about me; so
that when the mate put the question to me, ' why I didn't
go ashore ? ' I had no other answer to give him than the
honest one, ' that I had nothing to do when I got there,'
' I suppose you know how to gain a livin' one way or
t'other, my lad?' said he, with a very disparaging glance
out of the corner of his eye.
' I am ashamed to say, sir, that I do not.'
' Well, I never seed Picaroons starve, that 's a comfort
you have ; but as we don't mean to mess you here, you 'd
better get your kit on deck and prepare to go ashore.'
Now the kit alluded to was the chest of clothes given to
me by the captain, which, being bestowed for a particular
purpose, and with an object now seemingly abandoned or
forgotten, I began to feel scruples as to my having any
claim to. Like an actor whose engagement had been for
one part, I did not think myself warranted in carrying
away the wardrobe of my character ; besides, who should
tell how the captain might resent such conduct on my side.
I might be treated as a thief! — I, Con Cregan, who had
186 THE CONFESSIONS OF
registered a solemn vow in my own heart to be a ' gentle-
man ' : such an indignity should not be entertained even
in thought. Yet was it very hard for one in possession of
such an admirable wardrobe to want a dinner — for one so
luxuriously apparelled on the outside to be so lamentably
unprovided within. From the solution of this knotty
question I was most fortunately preserved by the arrival
of a corporal of the — th, who came with an order from
Captain Pike that I should at once repair to his quarters
in the Upper Town.
Not being perhaps in his captain's confidence, nor
having any very clear notion of my precise station in life
— for I was dressed in an old cloak and a foraging-cap —
the corporal delivered his message to me with a military
salute, and a certain air of deference very grateful to my
feelings.
' Have you a boat alongside, corporal ? ' said I, as I
lounged listlessly on the binnacle.
' Yes, sir ; a pair of oars — will that do ? '
1 Yes, that will do,' replied I negligently ; ' see my traps
safe on board, and tell me when all 's ready.'
The corporal saluted once more, and went to give the
necessary directions ; meanwhile the mate, who had been
a most amazed spectator of the scene, came over and stood
right opposite me with an expression of the most ludicrous
doubt and hesitation. It was just at that moment that, in
drawing the cloak round me, I discovered in a pocket of it
an old cigar-case. I took it out with the most easy non-
chalance, and leisurely striking a light, began smoking
away, and not bestowing even a glance at my neighbour.
Astonishment had so completely gotten the better of
the man that he could not utter a word ; and I perceived
that he had to look over the side, where the boat lay, to
assure himself that the whole was reality.
'All right, sir,' said the corporal, carrying his hand to
his cap.
I arose languidly from my recumbent position and
CON CREGAN 187
followed the soldier to the gangway ; then turning slowly
around, I surveyed the mate from head to foot with a
glance of mild but contemptuous pity, while I said, ' In
your station, my good man, the lesson is perhaps not
called for, since you may rarely be called on to exercise
it; but I would wish to observe that you will save your-
self much humiliation and considerable contempt by not
taking people for what they seem by externals.' With
this grave admonition, delivered in a half -theatrical tone
of voice, I draped my ' toga,' so as to hide any imperfection
of my interior costume, and descended majestically into
the boat. When we reached the barrack, which was in the
Upper Town, the captain was at mess ; but had left orders
that I should have my dinner and be ready at his quarters,
in my full livery, in the evening.
I dined, very much to my satisfaction, on some of
the debris of the mess ; and under the auspices of the
captain's servant, arrayed myself in my new finery, which,
I am free to confess, presented what artists would call ' a
flashy bit of colour ' ; being far more in the style of Horace
Vernet than Van Dyck. Had the choice been given me, I
own I should have preferred wooing Fortune in more
sombre habiliments ; but this was a mere minor considera-
tion, and so I felt, as I found myself standing alone in the
captain's sitting-room, and endeavouring to accustom
myself to my own very showy identity, as reflected in a
large cheval glass, which exhibited me down to the very
buckles of my shoes.
I will not affirm it positively, but only throw it out as a
hint, that the major part of a decanter of sherry, which I
discussed at dinner, aided in lifting me above the paltry
consideration of mere appearance, and made me feel what
I have often heard ragged vagabonds in the streets
denominate, ' the dignity of a man.' By degrees, too, I not
only grew reconciled to the gaudy costume, but began —
strange accommodation of feeling — actually to enjoy its
distinctive character.
188 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' There are young gentlemen, Con,' said I, in soliloquy,
' many are there who would look absurd merry-andrews if
dressed in this fashion. There are fellows to whom this
kind of thing would be a sore test! These bright tints
would play the very devil with their complexion — not
to mention that every one's legs couldn't afford such
publicity! But Con, my friend, you have a natural
aptitude for every shade of colour, and for every station
and condition. Courage, my boy! although in the rear-
rank at present, you '11 march in the van yet. Nature has
been gracious with you, Mr. Cregan!' said I, warming
with the subject, while with my hands deep down in my
coat-pockets I walked backward and forward before the
glass, stealing sidelong glances at myself as I passed;
' there are fellows who, born in your station, would have
died in it without a bit more influence over their fate in
this life than a Poldoody oyster; they'd vegetate to the
end of existence, and slip out of the world, as a fellow
shirks out of a shebeen-house when he hasn't tu'pence for
another " dandy " of punch. Not so with you, Con Cregan !
You have hydrogen in you — you have the buoyant ele-
ment that soars above the vulgar herd. These are not
the partial sentiments of a dear friend, Con ; they are the
current opinions of the world about you. How soon the
" captain " saw what stuff you were made of. How long was
old Pike in detecting the latent powers of your intellect ? '
What a shout of laughter followed these words ! It came
from half-a-dozen officers, who, having entered the room
during my apostrophe, had concealed themselves behind a
screen to listen to the peroration.
They now rushed out in a body, and throwing them-
selves into chairs and upon sofas, laughed till the very
room rang with the clamour, the captain himself joining
in the emotion with all his heart. As for me, however
self-satisfied but one moment back, I was humbled to the
very earth now; the vauntings by which I had been
soothing my vanity were suddenly turned into scoffs and
Ton's modest soliloquy
CON CREGAN 189
sneers at my self-conceit, and I actually looked to see if I
could not leap out of the window, and never be seen by
one of the party again. The window, however, was barred
— the door was unapproachable — there was a fire in the
grate — and so, as escape was denied me, I at once
abandoned a plan which I saw unfeasible ; and with a
quickness to which I owe much in life, immediately
adopted an opposite tactic. Assuming a deferential
position, I drew back towards the wall, to be laughed
at as long as the honourable company should fancy it.
' So, Mr. Cregan,' cried one, drying his eyes with his
handkerchief, ' modesty is one of those invaluable gifts
with which nature has favoured you ? '
' I sincerely trust it may be no bar to your advance-
ment,' said another.
' Rather cruel,' added a third, ' to be balked for such a
mere trifle.'
' I say, Pike,' added another, ' I rather envy you the
insinuated flattery of your discrimination. It would seem
that you detected the precious metal here at once.'
' What country do you come from, boy ? ' said a hard-
featured old officer, who had laughed less than the
others.
1 How can you ask, Chudleigh ? ' said another ; ' there 's
only one land rears that plant.'
' There 's a weed very like it in Scotland, M'Aldine,' said
the captain, with a grin which the last speaker did not
half relish.
' You 're Hirish, ain't you ? ' said a very boyish-looking
ensign with sore eyes.
' Yes, sir.'
' Very much so, I fancy,' said he, laughing as though he
had been very droll.
' I always heard your countrymen had wings ; what has
become of them ? '
' I believe we used to have, sir ; but the English plucked
us,' said I, with a look of assumed simplicity.
190 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' And what is all that about the Blarney stone ? ' said
another ; ' isn't there some story or other about it ? '
' It 's a stone they kiss in my country, sir, to give us a
smooth tongue.'
' I don't see the great use of that,' rejoined he, with a
stupid look.
'It's mighty useful at times, sir,' said I, with a half
glance towards Captain Pike.
' You 're too much, gentlemen, far too much for my
poor friend Con,' said the captain ; ' you forget that he 's
only a poor Irish lad. Come, now, let us rather think of
starting him in the world with something to keep the
devil out of his pocket.' And with this kind suggestion
he chucked a dollar into his cap, and then commenced a
begging tour of the room, which, I am ready to confess,
showed the company to be far more generous than they
were witty.
' Here, Master Con,' said he, as he poured the contents
into my two hands, 'here is wherewithal to pay your
footing at Mrs. Davis's. As a traveller from the old
country, you'll be expected to entertain the servants' hall
— do it liberally; there's nothing like a bold push at the
first go off.'
' I know it, sir ; my father used to say that the gentle-
man always won his election who made most freeholders
drunk the first day of the poll.'
' Your father was a man of keen observation, Con.'
'And is, sir, still, with your leave, if kangaroo meat
hasn't disagreed with him and left me to sustain the
honours of the house.'
' Oh, that 's it, Con, is it ? ' said Captain Pike, with a sly
glance.
'Yes, sir, that's it,' said I, replying more to his look
than his words.
'Here's the letter for Mrs. Davis — you'll present it
early to-morrow ; be discreet, keep your own counsel,
and I 've no doubt you 11 do well.'
CON CREGAN 191
' I 'd be an ungrateful vagabond if I made your honour
out a false prophet,' said I ; and bowing respectfully to the
company, I withdrew.
'What a wonderful principle of equilibrium exists
between one's heart and one's pocket ! ' thought I, as
I went downstairs. ' I never felt the former so light
as now that the latter is heavy.'
I wandered out into the town, somewhat puzzled how
to dispose of myself for the evening. Had I been perform-
ing the part of a ' walking gentleman,' I fancied I could
have easily hit upon some appropriate and becoming
pastime. A theatre — there was one in the Lower Town
— and a tavern afterwards, would have filled the interval
before it was time to go to bed. ' Time to go to bed ! ' — ■
strange phrase ! born of a thousand-and-one convention-
alities. For some, that time comes when the sun has set,
and with its last beams of rosy light reminds labour of the
coming morrow. To some it is the hour when wearied
faculties can do no more — when tired intellect falters ' by
the way,' and cannot keep the ' line of march.' To others
it comes with dawning light, and when roses and rouge
look ghastly ; and to others, again, whose ' deeds are evil,'
it is the glare of noonday.
Now, as for me, I was neither wearied by toil nor
pleasure ; no sense of past fatigue — no anticipation of
coming exertion — invited slumber ; nay, I was actually
more wakeful than I had been during the entire evening,
and I felt a most impulsive desire for a little social enjoy-
ment — that kind of intercourse with strangers which I
always remarked had the effect of eliciting my own con-
versational qualities to a degree that astonished even
myself.
In search of some house of entertainment — some public
resort — I paced all the streets of the Upper Town, but to
no purpose. Occasionally, lights in a drawing-room, and
the sound of a piano, would tell where some small evening-
party was assembled; or now and then, from a lower
192 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
storey, a joyous roar of laughter, or the merry chorus of
a drinking-song, would bespeak some after-dinner con-
vivialities ; but to mingle in scenes like these I felt that
I had yet a long road to travel — ay, to pass muster in the
very humblest of those circles, what a deal had I to learn !
How much humility, how much confidence; what defer-
ence, and what self-reliance ; what mingled gravity and
levity; what shades and gradations of colour, so nicely
balanced and proportioned too, that, unresolved by the
prism, they show no preponderating tint — make up that
pellucid property men call ' Tact ! ' Ay, Con, that is your
rarest gift of all ! only acquire that, and you may dispense
with ancestry, and kindred, and even wealth itself ; since
he who has ' tact ' participates in all these advantages,
' among his friends'
As I mused thus I had reached the Lower Town, and
found myself opposite the door of a tavern, over which
a brilliant lamp illuminated the sign of ' The British
Grenadier,' a species of canteen in high favour with
sergeants and quartermasters of the garrison. I entered
boldly and with the intention of behaving generously to
myself; but scarcely had I passed the threshold than I
heard a sharp voice utter in a half -whisper, ' Dang me, if
he an't in livery ! '
I did not wait for more. My ' tact ' assured me that
even there I was not admissible ; so I strolled out again,
muttering to myself, ' When a man has neither friend nor
supper, and the hour is past midnight, the chances are it
is "time to go to bed'"; and with this sage reflection I
wended my way towards a humble lodging-house on the
quay, over which on landing I read the words, ' The
Emigrant's Home.'
y
HOW I ' FELL IN ' AND ' OUT ' WITH ' THE WIDOW DAVIS '
For the sake of conciseness in this veracious history, I
prefer making the reader acquainted at once with facts
and individuals, not by the slow process in which the
knowledge of them was acquired by myself, but in all the
plenitude which intimate acquaintance now supplies ; and
although this may not seem to accord with the bit-by-bit
and day-by-day narrative of a life, it saves a world of time,
some patience, and mayhap some skipping too. Under this
plea I have already introduced Sir Dudley Broughton to
the reader, and now, with permission, mean to present
Mrs. Davis.
13 N
194 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Mrs. Davis, relict of Thomas John Davis, was a char-
acter so associated with Quebec, that to speak of that city
without her would be like writing an account of New-
foundland and never alluding to the article ' cod-fish.'
For a great number of years her house had been the
rendezvous of everything houseless, from the newly come
'married' officer to the flash commercial traveller from
the States ; from the agent of an unknown land company
to the ' skipper ' of a rank pretentious enough to dine at
a boarding-house. The establishment — as she loved to
style it — combined all the free-and-easy air of domesticity
with the enjoyment of society. It was an 'acted news-
paper,' where paragraphs, military and naval, social,
scandalous, and commercial, were fabricated with a speed
no ' compositor ' could have kept up with. Here the
newly arrived subaltern heard all the pipeclay gossip,
not of the garrison, but of the Province ; here the bag-
man made contracts and took orders ; here the ' French
Deputy' picked up what he called afterwards in the
Chamber Vopinion publique; and here the men of pine-
logs and white deal imbibed what they fervently believed
to be the habits and manners of the ' English aristocracy.'
' To invest the establishment with this character,' to make
it go forth to the world as the mirror of high and fashion-
able life, had been the passion of Mrs. D.'s existence. Never
did monarch labour for the safeguard that might fence and
hedge round his dynasty more zealously: never did minister
strive for the guarantees that should ensure the continu-
ance of his system. It was the moving purpose of her life ;
in it she had invested all her activity, both of mind and
body ; and as she looked back to the barbarism from which
her generous devotion had rescued hundreds, she might
well be pardoned if a ray of self-glorification lighted up
her face. ' When I think of Quebec when T. J.' — her
familiar mode of alluding to the defunct Thomas John —
' and myself first beheld it,' would she say, ' and see it now,
I believe I may be proud.' The social habits were indeed
CON CREGAN 195
at a low ebb. The skippers — and there were few other
strangers — had a manifest contempt for the use of the
fork at dinner, and performed a kind of sword-exercise
while eating, of the most fearful kind. Napkins were
always misconstrued — the prevailing impression being
that they were pocket-handkerchiefs. No man had any
vested interest in his own wine-glass ; while thirsty souls
even dispensed with such luxuries, and drank from the
bottle itself.
Then sea-usages had carried themselves into shore life.
The company were continually getting up to look out of
windows, watching the vessels that passed, remarking on
the state of the tide, and then resuming their places with
a muttering over the ' half ebb,' and that the wind was
' northing-by-west,' looked for change. All the conversa-
tion smacked of salt water ; every allusion had an odour
of tar and seaweed about it.
Poor Mrs. Davis ! how was she to civilise these savages ?
how invest their lives with any interest above timber?
They would not listen to the polite news of ' Government
House'; they would not vouchsafe the least attention to
the interesting paragraphs she recited as table-talk — how
the Prince of Hohenhumbughousen had arrived at Windsor
on a visit to Majesty; nor how Royalty walked in 'The
Slopes,' or sat for its picture.
Of the Duke of Northumberland, they only knew a
troop-ship of the name, and even that had been water-
logged ! The Wellington traded to Mirimachi, and the
Robert Peel was a barque belonging to Newfoundland,
and employed in general traffic, and not believed very
seaworthy.
Some may make the ungracious remark, that she might
have spared herself this task of humanising — that she
could have left these ' ligneous Christians,' these creatures
of tar and turpentine, where she found them. The same
observation will apply equally to Cooke, to Franklin, to
Brooke of Borneo, and a hundred other civilisers : so Mrs.
196 THE CONFESSIONS OF
D. felt it, and so she laboured to make T. J. feel it ; but he
wouldn't. The ungrateful old bear saw the ordinary grow
daily thinner — he perceived that Banquo might have seated
himself at any part of the table, and he actually upbraided
his wife with the fact. Every day he announced some
new defection from the list of their old supporters. Now
it was old Ben Crosseley, of the Lively Biddy, that wouldn't
stand being ordered to shake out his canvas — that is, to
spread his napkin — when he was taking in sea store : then
it was Tom Galket grew indignant at not being permitted
to beat ' to quarters ' with his knuckles at every pause in
the dinner. Some were put out by being obliged to sit
with their legs under the table, being long habituated to
dine at a cask with a plank on it, and of course keeping
their limbs ' stowed away ' under the seat ; and one, an old
and much respected river pilot, was carried away insensible
from table, on hearing that grog was not a recognised
table beverage throughout the British dominions.
The banishment of lobscouse and sea-pie — pork, with its
concomitant cataplasm of peas, and other similar delicacies
from the bill of fare, completed the defection ; and at last,
none remained of the ' once goodlie company,' save an old
attenuated Guernsey skipper, too much in debt to leave,
but who attributed his fealty to the preference he enter-
tained for les usages de la bonne societe, et la charmante Mme.
Davis. T. J. could never hold up his head again ; he moped
about the docks and quays, like the restless spirit of some
Ancient Mariner. Every one pitied him ; and he grew so
accustomed to condolence — so dependent, in fact, on com-
miseration — that he spent his days in rowing from one
ship to the other in the harbour, drinking grog with the
skippers, till, by dint of pure sympathy, he slipped quietly
into his grave, after something like a two years' attack of
delirium tremens.
The same week that saw T. J. descend to the tomb, saw
his widow ascend to the Upper Town — the more con-
genial locality for aspirations like hers. If no eulogistic
CON CREGAN 197
inscription marked his resting-place, a very showy brass
plate adorned hers. From that hour she was emancipated :
it seemed, indeed, as if she had turned a corner in life, and
at once emerged from gloom and darkness into sunshine.
It chanced that the barracks were at that very moment
undergoing repair, and several officers were glad to find,
at a convenient distance, the comforts and accommodations
which a plausible advertisement in the Quebec Messenger
assured them were to be obtained for one pound one
shilling weekly.
There are people who tell you that we live in a heart-
less, selfish, grabbing, grasping age, where each preys upon
his neighbour, and where gain is the spirit of every
contract ; and yet, in what period of the world was
maternal tenderness, the comforts of a home, the watchful
anxieties of parental love, to be had so cheaply? Who
ever heard of bachelors being admitted into families,
where music and the arts formed the evening's recreation,
in the Middle Ages? Does Herodotus inform us, that
'young and attractive ladies would take charge of a
widower's household, and superintend the care of his
family ? ' Not a bit of it ! On this point, at least, the
wisdom of our ancestors has no chance with us. There is
not a wish of the heart, there is not a yearning of the
affections, that a three-and-sixpenny advertisement in the
Times will not evoke a remedy for. You can make love,
or a book, or a speech, by deputy ; for every relative you
lose, there are fifty kind-hearted creatures to supply the
place; and not only may you travel over half the globe
without more personal exertion than it costs you to go
to bed, but you can be measured either for a wife or a
suit of clothes without ever seeing the lady or the tailor.
The ' Hotel Davis,' so said the newspaper, ' was situated
in the most airy and healthful locality of the Upper Town.'
No one ever rang the bell of the hall door from the first of
October to May, but would acknowledge the truth of the
first epithet. 'The society, for admission to which the
198 THE CONFESSIONS OF
most particular references are required, embraces all that
is intellectual, high-bred, and refined. The table, where
preside the " feast of reason and the flow of soul," combines
the elegance and delicacy of the French, with the less
sophisticated succulence of English cookery. Intellectual
resources — the humanising influences of song and poetry
— the varied pleasures of cultivated and kindred spirits,
which have won for this establishment the epithet of the
Davisian Acropolis, continue to make it the chosen retreat
of gentlemen connected with civil and military pursuits,
who are lodged and boarded for one guinea weekly.
' Receptions every Thursday. Balls, during the winter,
on the first Monday of each month.'
Such was one among many — I select it as the shortest —
announcements of this cheap Elysium : and now, two words
about Mrs. D. herself. She was a poor, thin, shrivelled-up
little woman, with a rugged, broken-up face, whose profile
looked like a jagged saw. Next to elegance of manner, her
passion was personal appearance — by which she meant the
adventitious aid of false hair, rouge, and cosmetics, and
these she employed with such ever-varying ingenuity,
that her complexion changed daily from classic pallor to
Spanish richness, while the angle of incidence of her eye-
brows took in everything from forty-five degrees to the
horizontal. Her style was ' sylph,' and so she was gauzy
and floating in all her drapery. A black veil to the back
of her head — a filmy, gossamer-kind of scarf across her
shoulders — assisted this deception, and, when she crossed
the room, gave her the air of a clothes-line in a high
wind.
Black mittens, over fingers glowing in all the splendour
of rings, and a locket about the size of a cheeseplate,
containing the hair — some said, the scalp— of the late T. J.,
completed a costume which Mrs. D. herself believed
Parisian, but to which no revolution, democratic or social,
could reduce a Frenchwoman.
She borrowed her language as well as her costume from
CON CREGAN 199
the Grande Nation, and with this comfortable reflection,
that she was not likely to be asked to restore the loan.
Her French was about as incongruous as her dress — but
Quebec, fortunately, was not Paris ; and she drove her
coach and six through 'Adelow,' with a hardihood that
outstripped, if it did not defy, criticism.
By the military and naval people she was deemed the
best 'fun' going; her pretension, her affectation, her
shrewdness, and her simplicity ; her religious homage to
fashion ; her unmerciful tyranny towards what she thought
vulgarity, made her the subject of many a joke and much
amusement. The other classes, the more regular habitues
of the ' house,' thought she was a princess in disguise ; they
revered her opinions as oracles, and only wondered how
the court-end could spare one so evidently formed to be
the glass of fashion.
If I have been too prolix in my sketch, kind reader,
attribute it to the true cause — my anxiety to serve those
who are good enough to place themselves under my
guidance. Mrs. D. still lives ; the establishment still
survives ; at five o'clock each day — ay, this very day, I
have no doubt — her table is crowded by 'the rank and
fashion' of the Quebec world: and the chances are, if
you yourself, worthy reader, should visit that city, that
you may be glad to give your blank days to the fare of
Madam Davis.
It was ten o'clock in the forenoon as I arrived at her
door, and sent in Captain Pike's letter, announcing my
arrival. I found Mrs. D. in what she called her own room —
a little den of about eleven feet square, shelved all round,
and showing an array of jars and preserve-pots that was
most imposing — the offerings of skippers from the West
India Islands and Madeira, who paid a kind of blackmail
in preserved ginger, guavas, yams, pepper-pots, chili, and
potted crabs, that would have given liver complaints to
half the Province.
Mrs. D. was standing on a step-ladder, arranging her
200 THE CONFESSIONS OF
treasures by the aid of a negro-boy of about twelve years
old, as I entered ; and not feeling that I was of consequence
sufficient to require a more formal audience, she took a
steady and patient observation of me, and then resumed
her labours. The little window, about six feet from the
ground, threw a fine Rembrandt light upon me, as I stood
in my showy habiliments, endeavouring, by an imposing
attitude, to exhibit myself to the best advantage.
' Forty-seven ; Guava jelly, Sambo ! — where is forty-
seven ? '
' Me no see him,' said Sambo ; ' missus eat him up,
perhaps.'
' Monsonze ! you filthy creature — look for it, sirrah ' ; so
saying, Mrs. Davis applied her double eyeglass to her eyes,
and again surveyed me for some seconds.
'You are the' — she hesitated — 'the young person my
friend Pike brought out, I believe ? '
' Yes, my lady,' said I, bowing profoundly.
'What's your name; the captain has not written it
clearly ? '
' Cregan, my lady — Con Cregan.'
'Con — Con,' repeated she twice or thrice; 'what does
Con mean?'
' It 's the short for Cornelius, my lady.'
' Ah, the abbreviation for Cornelius ! — and where have
you lived, Cornelius ? '
'My last place, my lady, was Sir Miles O'Ryan's, of
Roaring Water.'
'What are you doing, you wretch? — take your filthy
fingers out of that pot this instant ! ' screamed she
suddenly.
' Me taste him, an' he be dam hot ! ' cried the nigger,
dancing from one foot to the other, as his mouth was
on fire from tasting capsicum pods.
I thought of my own mustard experience, and then,
turning a glance of ineffable contempt upon my black
friend, said, 'Those creatures, my lady, are so ignorant,
How Con fell m with the "Vido-w D;
CON CREGAN 201
they really do not know the nature of the commonest
condiments.'
' Very true, Cornelius ; I would wish, however, to
observe to you, that although my family are all persons
of rank, I have no title myself — that is to say,' added she,
with a pleasing smile, ' I do not assume it here — therefore,
until we return to England, you needn't address me as
ladyship.'
'No, my lady — I beg your ladyship's pardon for for-
getting, but as I have always lived in high families, I 've
got the habit, my lady, of saying my lady.'
' I am Madam — plain Madam Davis — there, I knew you 'd
do it, you nasty little beast, you odious black creature ! '
This sudden apostrophe was evoked by the nigger en-
deavouring to balance a jam-pot on his thumb, while he
spun it round with the other hand — an exploit that ended
in a smash of the jar, and a squash of the jam all over
my silk stockings.
' It 's of no consequence, my lady ; I shall change them
when I dress for dinner,' said I, with consummate ease.
'The jam is lost, however — will you kindly beat him
about the head with that candlestick beside you ? '
I seized the implement, as if in most choleric mood ; but
my black was not to be caught so easily ; and with a dive
between my legs he bolted for the door — whilst I was
pitched forward against the step-ladder, head foremost.
In my terror I threw out my hands to save myself, and
caught — not the ladder, but Madam Davis's legs — and
down we went together, with a small avalanche of brown
jars and preserve-pots clattering over us.
As I had gone head foremost, my head through the
ladder, and as Mrs. Davis had fallen on the top of me —
her head being reversed — there we lay, like herrings in
a barrel, till her swoon had passed away. At last she did
rally; and gathering herself up, sat against the wall, a
most rueful picture of bruises and disorder, while I,
emerging from between the steps of the ladder, began
202 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to examine whether it were marmalade or my brains
that I felt coming down my cheek.
' You '11 never mention this shocking event, Cornelius,'
said she, trying to adjust her wig, which now faced over
the left shoulder.
' Never, my lady. Am I to consider myself engaged ? '
' Yes, on the terms of Captain Pike's note — ten pounds ;
no wine nor tea-money, no passage-fare out, no livery,
no ' I was afraid she was going to add no prog, but she
grew faint, and merely said, ' Bring me a glass of water.'
'I'll put you in charge of the lamps and plate to-
morrow,' said she, recovering.
'Very well, madam,' said I aloud — while to myself I
muttered, ' they might easily be in better hands.'
' You 11 wait at table to-day.'
' Yes, my lady — madam, I mean.'
' Soup always goes first to Mrs. Trussf ord — black velvet,
and very fat ; then to the lady in blue spectacles ; after-
wards Miss Moriarty. Ah, I'm too weak for giving
directions ; I'm in what they call un etat de faiblesse ' ;
and with these words Mrs. Davis retired, leaving me to
the contemplation of the battlefield and my own bruises.
My next care was to present myself below-stairs ; and
although some may smile at the avowal, I had far more
misgivings about how I should pass muster with the
underlings, than with the head of the department. Is
the reader aware that it was a farrier of the Emperor
Alexander's guard who first predicted the destruction of
the ' grand army ' in Russia ? A French horseshoe was
shown to him, as a curiosity; and he immediately ex-
claimed, ' What ! not yet frost-roughed ! these fellows don't
know the climate ; the snows begin to-morrow ! ' so is it
— ignorance and pretension are infallibly discovered by
'routine' people; they look to details, and they at once
detect him who mistakes or overlooks them.
Resolving, at all events, to make my ' Old- World ' habits
stand my part in every difficulty, and to sneer down every-
CON CEEGAN 203
thing I did not understand, I put on a bold face, and
descended to the lower regions.
Great people, ' Ministers,' and Secretaries for the ' Home'
and 'Foreign,' little know how great their privilege is,
that in taking office, they are spared all unpleasant meet-
ings with their predecessors. At least, I conclude such to
be the case ; and that my Lord Palmerston ' stepping in '
does not come abruptly upon Lord Aberdeen ' going out,'
nor does an angry altercation arise between him who
arrives to stay and he who is packing his portmanteau
to be off. I say that I opine as much, and that both
the entrance and the departure are conducted with due
etiquette and propriety; in fact, that Lord A. has called
his cab and slipped away, before Lord P. has begun to
' take up ' the ' spoons ' — not a bad metaphor, by the way —
for an entrance into the Foreign Office.
No such decorous reserve presides over the change of
a domestic ministry. The whole warfare of opposition is
condensed into one angry moment, and the rival parties
are brought face to face in the most ungracious fashion.
Now, my system in life was that so well and popularly
known by the name of M. Guizot, la paix a tout prix ; and
I take pride to myself in thinking that I have carried it
out with more success. With a firm resolve, therefore,
that no temptation should induce me to deviate from a
pacific policy, I entered the kitchen, where the 'lower
house ' was then ' in committee ' — the ' cook in the chair ! '
' Here he com, now ! ' said Blackie ; and the assembly
grew hushed as I entered.
' Ay, here he comes ! ' said I, re-echoing the speech ; ' and
let us see if we shall not be merry comrades.'
The address was a happy one ; and that evening closed
upon me in the very pinnacle of popularity.
I have hesitated for some time whether I should not
ask of my reader to enrol himself for a short space as a
member of ' the establishment ' ; or even to sojourn one
day beneath a roof where so many originals were con-
204 THE CONFESSIONS OF
gregated ; to witness the very table itself, set out with its
artificial fruits and flowers, its pine-apples in wax, and its
peaches of paper; all the appliances by which Mrs. D.,
in her ardent zeal, hoped to propagate refinement and
abstemiousness ; high-breeding and low diet being, in her
esteem, inseparably united. To see the company — the
poor old faded and crushed flowers of mock gentility —
widows and unmarried daughters of tax-collectors long
'gathered'; polite storekeepers, and apothecaries to the
'Forces,' cultivating the Graces at the cost of their
appetites, and descending, in costumes of twenty years
back, in the pleasing delusion of being ' dressed ' for dinner ;
while here and there some unhappy skipper, undergoing
a course of refinement, looked like a bear in a 'ballet,'
ashamed of his awkwardness, and even still more ashamed
of the company wherein he found himself; and lastly,
some old Seigneur of the Lower Province — a poor, wasted,
wrinkled creature, covered with hair-powder and snuff, but
yet, strangely enough, preserving some ' taste of his once
quality,' and not altogether destitute of the graces of the
land he sprung from — curious and incongruous elements
to make up society, and worthy of the presidency of that
greater incongruity who ruled them.
Condemned to eat food they did not relish, and discuss
themes they did not comprehend — what a noble zeal was
theirs ! What sacrifices did they not make to the genius of
' gentility ! ' If they would sneer at a hash, Mrs. D.'s magic
wand charmed it into a ragout ; when they almost
sneezed at the sour wine, Mrs. D. called for another glass
of La Rose. Rabbits, they were assured, were the daily
diet of the Duke of Devonshire, and Lady Laddington ate
kid every day at dinner. In the same way potatoes were
vulgar things, but pommes de terre a la maitre dhotel
were a delicacy for royalty.
To support these delusions of diet, I was everlastingly
referred to. ' Cregan,' would she say — placing her glass
to her eye, and fixing on some dish, every portion of which
CON CREGAN 205
her own dainty fingers had compounded — 'Cregan, what
is that ? '
' Poulet a la George quatre, madame ! ' — she always per-
mitted me to improvise the nomenclature — 'the receipt
came from the Bishop of Beldoff's cook.'
' Ah ! prepared with olives, I believe ? '
' Exactly, madame,' would I say, presenting the dish,
whose success was at once assured.
If a wry face, or an unhappy contortion of the mouth
from any guest, announced disappointment, Mrs. D. at
once appealed to me for the explanation. 'What is it,
Cregan — Mrs. Blotter, I fear you don't like that plat ? '
' The truffles were rather old, madame ' ; or, ' the ancho-
vies were too fresh ' ; or, ' there was too little caviare,' or
something of the kind, I would unhesitatingly aver ; for my
head was stocked with a strong catalogue from an old
French cookery-book which I used to study each morning.
The more abstruse my explanation, the more certain of its
being endorsed by the company — only too happy to be sup-
posed capable of detecting the subtle deficiency; all but
the old French Deputy, who on such occasions would give
a little shake of his narrow head, and mutter to himself,
' Ah ; il est mutin, ce gaillard-la ! '
Under the influence of great names, they would have
eaten a stewed mummy from the Pyramids. What the
Marquis of Asheldown or the Earl of Brockmore in-
variably ordered, could not without risk be despised by
these ' small boys ' of refinement. It is true, they often
mourned in secret over the altered taste of the old country,
which preferred kickshaws and trumpery to its hallowed
ribs and sirloins ; but, like the folk who sit at the Opera
while they long for the Haymarket, and who listen to
Jenny Lind while their hearts are with Mrs. Keeley, they
' took out ' in fashion what they lost in amusement — a
very English habit, by the way. To be sure, and to their
honour be it spoken, they wished the Queen would be
pleased to fancy legs of mutton and loins of veal, just as
206 THE CONFESSIONS OF
some others are eager for royalty to enjoy the national
drama ; but they innocently forgot the while, that ' they '
might have the sirloin, and ' the others ' Shakespeare, even
without majesty partaking of either, and that a roast
goose and Falstaff can be relished even without such
august precedent. Dear, good souls they were, never
deviating from that fine old sturdy spirit of independ-
ence which makes us feel ourselves a match for the whole
world in arms, as we read the Times, and hum ' Rule
Britannia.'
All this devout homage of a class with whom they had
nothing in common, and with which they could never
come into contact, produced in me a very strange result ;
and in place of being ready to smile at the imitators, I
began to conceive a stupendous idea of the natural great-
ness of those who could so impress the ranks beneath
them. 'Con,' said I to myself, 'that is the class in life
would suit you perfectly. There is no trade like that of
a gentleman. He who does nothing is always ready for
everything ; the little shifts and straits of a handicraft or
a profession narrow and confine the natural expansiveness
of the intellect, which, like a tide over a flat shore, should
swell and spread itself out, free and without effort. See
to this, Master Con ; take care that you don't sit down
contented with a low round on the ladder of life, but strive
ever upwards ; depend on it, the view is best from the top,
even if it only enable you to look down on your competitors.'
These imaginings, as might be easily imagined, led me
to form a very depreciating estimate of my lords and
masters of the ' establishment.' Not only their little
foibles and weaknesses, their small pretensions and their
petty attempts at fine life, were all palpable to my eyes,
but their humble fortunes and narrow means to support
such assumption were equally so ; and there is nothing
which a vulgar mind — I tvas vulgar at that period — so
unhesitatingly seizes on for sarcasm, as the endeavour of
a poor man to ' do the fine gentleman.'
CON CREGAN 207
If no man is a hero to his valet, he who has no valet is
never a hero at all — is nobody. I conceived, then, the most
insulting contempt for the company, on whom I practised
a hundred petty devices of annoyance. I would drop
gravy on a fine satin dress, in which the wearer only
made her appearance at festivals, or stain with sauce the
' russia ducks ' destined to figure through half a week.
Sometimes, by an adroit change of decanters during
dinner, I would produce a scene of almost irremediable
confusion, when the owner of sherry would find himself
taking toast-and-water, he of the last beverage having
improved the time and finished the racier liquid. Such
reciprocities, although strictly in accordance with 'free-
trade,' invariably led to very warm discussions, that lasted
through the remainder of the evening.
Then I removed plates ere the eater was satisfied, and
that with an air of such imposing resolve as to silence
remonstrance. When a stingy guest passed up his
decanter to a friend, in a moment of enthusiastic muni-
ficence, I never suffered it to return till it was emptied ;
while to the elderly ladies I measured out the wine like
laudanum; every now and then, too, I would forget to
hand the dish to some one or other of the company, and
affect only to discover my error as the last spoonful was
disappearing.
Nor did my liberties end here. I was constantly intro-
ducing innovations in the order of dinner that produced
most ludicrous scenes of discomfiture — now insisting on
the use of a fork, now of a spoon, under circumstances
where no adroitness could compensate for the implement ;
and one day I actually went so far as to introduce soap
with the finger-glasses, averring that ' it was always done
at Devonshire House on grand occasions.' I thought I
should have betrayed myself, as I saw the efforts of the
party to perform their parts with suitable dignity ; all I
could do was to restrain a burst of open laughter.
So long as I prosecuted my reforms on the actual staff
208 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of the establishment, all went well. Now and then, it is
true, I used to overhear in French, of which they believed
me to be ignorant, rather sharp comments on the ' free-
and-easy tone of my manners — how careless I had become,'
and so on ; complaints, however, sure to be met by some
assurance that 'my manners were quite London' — that
what I did was the type of fashionable servitude ;
apologies made less to screen me than to exalt those
who invented them, as thoroughly conversant with high
life in England.
At last, partly from being careless of consequences, for
I was getting very weary of this kind of life — the great
amusement of which used to be repeating my perform-
ances for the ear of Captain Pike, and he was now
removed with his regiment to Kingston — and partly
wishing for some incidents, of what kind I cared not, that
might break the monotony of my existence, I contrived
one day to stretch my prerogative too far, or, in the
phrase of the Gulf, ' I harpooned a bottlenose ' — the peri-
phrasis for making a gross mistake.
I had been some years at Mrs. Davis's — in fact I felt
and thought myself a man when the last ball of the season
was announced — an entertainment at which usually a
more crowded assemblage used to congregate than at
any of the previous ones.
It was the choice occasion for the habitues of the house
to invite their grand friends, for Mrs. D. was accustomed
to put forth all her strength, and the arrangements
were made on a scale of magnificence that invariably
occasioned a petty famine for the fortnight before-
hand. Soup never appeared, that there might be bouillon
for the dancers ; every one was on a short allowance of
milk, eggs, and sugar ; meat became almost a tradition :
even candles waned and went out, in waiting for the
auspicious night when they should blaze like noonday*
Nor did the company fail to participate in these pre-
paratory schoolings* What frightful heads in curl-papers
CON CREGAN 209
would appear at breakfast and dinner ! What buttoned-up
coats and black cravats refuse all investigation on the
score of linen ! What mysterious cookings of cosmetics
at midnight, with petty thefts of lard and thick cream !
What washings of kid gloves, that when washed would
never go on again ! What inventions of French-polish
that refused all persuasions to dry, but continued to stick
to and paint everything it came in contact with! Then
there were high dresses to be cut down, like frigates
razeed ; frock-coats reduced to dress ones ; mock lace and
false jewellery were at a premium ; and all the little patch-
work devices of ribbons, bows, and carnations, gimp, gauze,
and geraniums, were put into requisition, petty acts of
deception that each saw through in her neighbour, but
firmly believed were undetectable in herself.
Then what caballings about the invited ! what scrutiny
into rank and station — { what set they were in,' and whom
did they visit ; with little Star-chamber inquisitions as to
character, all breaches of which, it is but fair to state, were
most charitably deemed remediable if the party had any
pretension to social position ; for not only the saint in
crape was twice a saint in lawn, but the satin sinner was
pardonable, where the ' washing silk ' would have been
found guilty without a ' recommendation.'
Then there was eternal tuning of the pianoforte, which
most perversely insisted on not suiting voices that might
have sung duets with a peacock. Quadrilles were practised
in empty rooms ; and Miss Timmock was actually seen
trying to teach Blotter to waltz — a proceeding, I rejoice
to say, that the moral feeling of the household at once
suppressed. And then, what a scene of decoration went
forward in all the apartments ! As in certain benevolent
families, whatever is uneatable is always given to the
poor, so here, all the artificial flowers unavailable for
the toilette were generously bestowed to festoon along the
walls to conceal tin sconces, and to wreathe round rickety
chandeliers. Contrivance — that most belauded pheno-
13 o
210 THE CONFESSIONS OF
menon in Nature's craft — was everywhere. If necessity-
be the mother of invention, poor gentility is the 'step-
mother.' Never were made greater efforts, or greater
sacrifices incurred, to make Mrs. D. appear like a West-end
leader of fashion, and to make the establishment itself
seem a Holderness House.
As for me, I was the type of a stage servant — one of
those creatures who hand round coffee in the School for
Scandal. My silk stockings were embroidered with silver,
and my showy coat displayed a bouquet that might have
filled a vase.
In addition to these personal graces, I had long been
head of my department; all the other officials, from the
negro knife - cleaner upwards, besides all those begged,
borrowed, and I believe I might add, stolen domestics of
other families, being placed under my orders.
Among the many functions committed to me, the
drilling of these gentry stood first in difficulty, not only
because they were rebellious under control, but because I
had actually to invent ' the discipline during parade.' One
golden rule, however, I had adopted, and never suffered
myself to deviate from, viz., to do nothing as it had been
done before — a maxim which relieved me from all the
consequences of inexperience. Traditions are fatal things
for a radical reformer ; and I remembered having heard it
remarked how Napoleon himself first sacrificed his dignity
by attempting an imitation of the monarchy. By this one
precept I ruled and squared all my conduct.
The most refractory of my subordinates was a jackanapes
about my own age, who, having once waited on the ' young
gentlemen ' in the cockpit of a man-of-war, fancied he had
acquired very extended views of life. Among other traits
of his fashionable experience, he remembered that at a
dejeuner given by the officers at Cadiz once, the company,
who breakfasted in the gun-room, had all left their hats
and cloaks in the midshipman's berth, receiving each a
small piece of card with a number on it, and a similar one
CON CREGAN 211
being attached to the property — a process so universal
now in our theatres and assemblies, that I ask pardon for
particularly describing it ; but it was a novelty at the time
I speak of, and had all the merits of a new discovery.
Smush — this was my deputy's name — had been so struck
with the admirable success of the arrangement, that he
had actually preserved the pieces of card, and now pro-
duced them, black and ragged, from the recesses of his
trunk.
1 Mr. Cregan ' — such was the respectful title by which I
was now always addressed — ' Mr. Cregan can tell us,' said
he, ' if this is not the custom at great balls in London.'
' It used to be so, formerly,' said I, with an air of most
consummate coolness, as I sat in an arm-chair, regaling
myself with a cigar ; ' the practice you allude to, Smush,
did prevail, I admit. But our fashionable laws change;
one day it is all ultra-refinement and Sybarite luxury —
the next, they affect a degree of mock simplicity in their
manners : anything for novelty ! Now, for instance, eating
fish with the fingers '
' Do they, indeed, go so far ? '
' Do they ! ay, and fifty things worse. At a race-dinner
the same silver cup goes round the table, drunk out of by
every one — I have seen strange things in my time.'
' That you must, Mr. Cregan.'
' Latterly,' said I, warming with my subject, and seeing
my auditory ready to believe anything, 'they began the
same system with the soup, and always passed the tureen
round, each tasting it as it went. This was an innovation
of the Duke of Struttenham's, but I don't fancy it will last.'
' And how do they manage about the hats, Mr. Cregan ? '
' The last thing, in that way, was what I saw at Lord
Mudbrooke's, at Richmond, where, not to hamper the guests
with these foolish bits of card, which they were always
losing, the servant in waiting chalked a number on the
hat or coat, or whatever it might be, and then marked the
same on the gentleman's back ! '
212 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Had it not been for the imposing gravity of my
manner, the absurdity of this suggestion had been at
once apparent ; but I spoke like an oracle, and I impressed
my words with the simple gravity of a commonplace truth,
' If you wish to do the very newest thing, Smush, that 's
the latest ; quite a fresh touch : and, I '11 venture to say,
perfectly unknown here. It saves a world of trouble to
all parties ; and as you brush it off, before they leave, it
is always another claim for the parting douceur ! '
' 1 11 do it,' said Smush eagerly ; ' they cannot be
angry '
' Angry ! angry at what is done with the very first
people in London!' said I, affecting horror at the bare
thought. The train was now laid ; I had only to wait for
its explosion. At first, I did this with eager impatience
for the result ; then, as the time drew near, with somewhat
of anxiety ; and, at last, with downright fear of the conse-
quences. Yet to revoke the order, to confess that I was
only hoaxing on so solemn a subject, would have been the
downfall of my ascendency for ever. What was to be done ?
I could imagine but one escape from the difficulty ;
which was to provide myself with a clothes-brush, and as
my station was at the drawing-room door, to erase the
numerals before their wearers entered. In this way I
should escape the forfeiture of my credit, and the risk
of maintaining it.
I would willingly recall some of the strange incidents
of that great occasion, but my mind can only dwell upon
one, as, brush in hand, I asked permission to remove some
accidental dust — a leave most graciously accorded, and
ascribed to my town-bred habits of attention. At last — it
was nigh midnight, and for above an hour the company
had received no accession to its ranks; quadrilles had
succeeded quadrilles, and the business of the scene went
swimmingly on — all the time-honoured events of similar
assemblages happening with that rigid regularity which,
if evening parties were managed by steam, and regulated
CON CREGAN 213
by a fly -wheel, could not proceed with more ordinary
routine. ' Heads of houses ' with bald scalps led out
simpering young boarding-school misses, and danced with
a noble show of agility, to refute any latent suspicion of
coming age. There were the usual number of very old
people, who vowed the dancing was only a shuffling walk,
not the merry movement they had practised half a century
ago ; and there were lackadaisical young gentlemen, with
waistcoats variegated as a hearth-rug, and magnificent
breast-pins — like miniature pokers — who lounged and
lolled about, as though youth were the most embarrassing
and wearying infliction mortality was heir to.
There were, besides, all the varieties of the class, young
lady — as seen in every land where muslin is sold and white
shoes are manufactured. There was the slight young lady,
who floated about with her gauzy dress daintily pinched in
two ; then there was the short and dumpling young lady,
who danced with a duck in her gait; and there were a
large proportion of the flouncing, flaunting kind, who
took the figures of the quadrille by storm, and went at the
' right and left ' as if they were escaping from a fire :
and there was Mrs. Davis herself, in a spangled toque and
red shoes, pottering about from place to place, with a
terrible eagerness to be agreeable and fashionable at the
same time.
It was, I have said, nigh midnight, as I stood at the
half-open door, watching the animated and amusing scene
within, when Mrs. Davis, catching sight of me, and doubt-
less for the purpose of displaying my specious livery,
ordered me to open a window, or close a shutter,
or something of like importance. I had scarcely per-
formed the service, when a kind of half titter through
the room made me look round, and, to my unspeakable
horror, I beheld, in the centre of the room, Town-Major
M'Can, the most passionate little man in Quebec, making
his obeisances to Mrs. Davis, while a circle around were,
with handkerchiefs to their mouths, stifling as they best
214 THE CONFESSIONS OF
could a burst of laughter ; since exactly between his
shoulders, in marks of about four inches long, stood the
numerals ' 158,' a great flourish underneath proclaiming
that the roll had probably concluded, and that this was
the • last man.'
Of the major, tradition had already consecrated one
exploit; he had once kicked an impertinent tradesman
down the great flight of iron stairs which leads from the
Upper Town to Diamond Harbour — a feat, to appreciate
which, it is necessary to bear in mind that the stair in
question is almost perpendicular, and contains six hundred
and forty-eight steps! My very back ached by anticipa-
tion as I thought of it; and as I retreated towards the
door, it was in a kind of shuffle, feeling like one who had
been well thrashed.
' A large party, Mrs. D. ; a very brilliant and crowded
assembly,' said the major, pulling out his bushy whiskers,
and looking importantly around. 'Now what number
have you here ? '
' I cannot even guess, major ; but we have had very few
apologies. Could you approximate to our numbers this
evening, Mr. Cox?' said she, addressing a spiteful-looking old
man, who sat eyeing the company through an opera-glass.
' I have counted one hundred and thirty-four, madam ;
but the major makes them more numerous still ! '
' How do you mean, Cox ? ' said he, getting fiery red.
' If you 11 look in that glass yonder, which is opposite
the mirror, you'll soon see!' wheezed out the old man
maliciously. I did not wait for more; with one spring
I descended the first flight; another brought me to the
hall ; but not before a terrible shout of laughter apprised
me that all was discovered. I had just time to open the
clock-case, and step into it, as Major M'Can came thunder-
ing downstairs, with his coat on his arm.
A shrill yell from Sambo now told me that one culprit
at least was 'up' for punishment. 'Tell the truth, you
d d piece of carved ebony ! who did this ? '
CON CREGAN 215
' Not me, massa ! not me, massa ! Smush did him ! '
Smush was at this instant emerging from the back-
parlour with a tray of coloured fluids for the dancers.
With one vigorous kick the major sent the whole flying ;
and ere the terrified servitor knew "what the assault
portended, a strong grasp caught him by the throat, and
ran him up bang! against the clock-case. Oh, what a
terrible moment was that for me ! I heard the very
gurgling rattle in his throat, like choking, and felt as if
when he ceased to breathe that I should expire with him.
' You confess it ! you own it, then, you infernal rascal ! '
said the major, almost hoarse with rage.
' Oh, forgive me, sir ! oh, forgive me ! It was Mr.
Cregan, sir, the butler, who told me ! Oh dear, I 'm '
what, he couldn't finish ; for the major, in relinquishing
his grasp, flung him backwards, and he fell against the
stairs.
'So it was Mr. — Cregan — the — butler — was it?' said
the major, with an emphasis on each word, as though he
had bitten the syllables. 'Well! as sure as my name is
Tony M'Can, Mr. Cregan shall pay for this ! Turn about
is fair-play ; you have marked me, and may I be drummer
to the Cape Fencibles if I don't mark you ! ' and -with this
denunciation, uttered in a tone, every accent of which
vouched for truth, he took a hat — the first next to him —
and issued from the house.
Shivering with terror — and not without cause — I waited
till Smush had, with Sambo's aid, carried downstairs the
broken fragments ; and then, the coast being clear, I
stepped from my hiding-place, and opening the hall door,
fled — ay, ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I crossed
the grass terrace in front of the barrack, not heeding
the hoarse ' Who goes there ? ' of the sentry ; and then,
dashing along the battery-wall, hastened down the stairs
that lead in successive flights to the filthy Lower Town, in
whose dingy recesses I well knew that crime or shame
could soon find a sanctuary.
AN EMIGRANT'S FIRST STEP
'ON SHORE'
F I say that the Lower Town of
Quebec is the St. Giles's of the
metropolis, I convey but a very
faint notion indeed of that terrible locality. I have seen
life in some of its least attractive situations. I am not
ignorant of the Liberties of Dublin and the Claddagh of
Galway ; I have passed more time than I care to mention
in the Isle St. Louis of Paris ; while the Leopoldstadt of
Vienna, and the Ghetto of Rome, are tolerably familiar
to me ; but still, for wickedness in its most unwashed
state, I give the palm to the Lower Town of Quebec.
The population, originally French, became gradually
intermixed with emigrants, most of whom came from
Ireland, and who, having expended the little means they
could scrape together for the voyage, firmly believing that
once landed in America, gold was a chimera not worth
troubling one's head about — they were unable to go
farther, and either became labourers in the city, or, as
the market grew speedily overstocked, sank down into
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 217
a state of pauperism, the very counterpart of that they
had left on the other side of the ocean. Their turbulence,
their drunkenness, the reckless violence of all their habits,
at first shocked and then terrified the poor timid
Canadians — of all people the most submissive and yield-
ing — so that very soon, feeling how impossible it was
to maintain copartnery with such associates, they left
the neighbourhood, and abandoned the field to the new
race. Intermarriages had, however, taken place to a great
extent ; from which, and the daily intercourse with the
natives, a species of language came to be spoken which
was currently called French; but which might, certainly
with equal propriety, be called Cherokee. Of course this
new tongue modified itself with the exigencies of those
who spoke it ; and as the French ingredient declined, the
Milesian preponderated, till at length it became far more
Irish than French.
Nothing assists barbarism like a dialect adapted to its
own wants. Slang is infinitely more conducive to the
propagation of vice than is generally believed ; it is the
' paper currency ' of iniquity, and each man issues as much
as he likes. If I wanted an evidence of this fact I should
'call up' the place I am speaking of, where the very
jargon at once defied civilisation, and ignored the
' schoolmaster.' The authorities, either regarding the
task as too hopeless, or too dangerous, or too trouble-
some, seemed to slur over the existence of this infamous
locality. It is not impossible that they saw with some
satisfaction that wickedness had selected its only peculiar
and appropriate territory, and that they had left this
den of vice, as Yankee farmers are accustomed to leave
a spot of tall grass to attract the snakes, by way of
preventing them scattering and spreading over a larger
surface.
As each emigrant ship arrived, hosts of these idlers
of the Lower Town beset the newly landed strangers,
and by their voice and accent imposed upon the poor
218 THE CONFESSIONS OF
wanderers. The very tones of the old country were a
magic the new-comers could not withstand, after weeks
of voyaging that seemed like years of travel. Whatever
reminded them of the country they had quitted, ay —
strange inconsistency of the human heart! — of the land
they had left for very hopelessness, touched their hearts,
and moved them to the very tenderest emotions. To
trade on this susceptibility became a recognised livelihood;
so that the quays were crowded with idle vagabonds, who
sought out the prey with as much skill as a West-end
waiter displays in detecting the rank of a new arrival.
This filthy locality, too, contained all the lodging-houses
resorted to by the emigrants, who were easily persuaded
to follow their 'countryman' wherever he might lead.
Here were spent the days — sometimes, unhappily, the
weeks — before they could fix upon the part of the country
to which they should bend their steps ; and here, but too
often, were wasted in excess and debauchery the little
hoards that had cost years to accumulate, till farther
progress became impossible ; and the stranger who landed
but a few weeks back, full of strong hope, sank down into
the degraded condition of those who had been his ruin —
the old story, the dupe become blackleg.
It were well if deceit and falsehood — if heartless
treachery and calculating baseness, were all that went
forward here. But not so; crimes of every character
were rife also, and not an inhabitant of the city, with
money or character, would have, for any consideration,
put foot within this district after nightfall. The very
cries that broke upon the stillness of the night were often
heard in the Upper Town; and whenever a shriek of
agony arose, or the heart-rending cry for help, prudent
citizens would close the window and say, ' It is some of the
people in the Lower Town' — a comprehensive statement
that needed no commentary.
Towards this pleasant locality I now hastened, with a
kind of instinctive sense that I had some claims on the
CON CREGAN 219
sanctuary. It chanced that an emigrant ship which had
arrived that evening was just disembarking its passengers ;
mingling with the throng of which, I entered the filthy
and narrow lanes of this Alsatia. The new arrivals were
all Irish, and, as usual, were heralded by parties of the
resident population, eagerly canvassing them for this or
that lodging-house. Had not my own troubles been
enough for me, I should have felt interested in the strange
contrast between the simple peasant first stepping on a
foreign shore, and the shrewd roguery of him who pro-
posed guidance, and who doubtless had himself once been
as unsuspecting and artless as those he now cajoled and
endeavoured to dupe.
I soon saw that single individuals were accounted of
little consequence ; the claim of the various lodging-houses
was as family hotels, perhaps ; so that I mixed myself up
with a group of some eight or ten, whose voices sounded
pleasantly, for, in the dark, I had no other indication to
suggest a preference.
I was not long in establishing a footing, so far as
talking went, with one of this party — an old, very old man,
whose greatest anxiety was to know, first, if ' there was
any Injuns where we were going ? ' and secondly, if I had
ever heard of his grandson, Dan Cullinane? The first
doubt I solved for him frankly and freely, that an Indian
wouldn't dare to show his nose where we were walking;
and as to the second, I hesitated, promising to refer to
' my tablets ' when I came to the light, for I thought the
name was familiar to me.
' He was a shoemaker by trade,' said the old man, ' and
a better never left Ireland ; he was 'prentice to ould Finu-
cane in Ennis, and might have done well, if he hadn't the
turn for Americay.'
' But he '11 do better here, rely upon it,' said I, inviting
some further disclosures ; ' I 'm certain he 's not disap-
pointed with having come out.'
'No, indeed; glory be to God! he's doing finely; and
220 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'twas that persuaded my son Joe to sell the little place
and come here — and a wonderful long way it is ! '
After expending a few generalities on sea voyages in
general, with a cursory glance at naval architecture, from
Noah's ' square ' stern, down to the modern ' round ' inno-
vation, we again returned to Dan, for whom I already
conceived a strong interest.
' And is it far to New Orleans from this ? ' said the old
man, who, I perceived, was struck by the air of sagacity in
my discourse.
'New Orleans! why, that's in the States, a thousand
miles away ! '
' Oh ! murther, murther ! ' cried the old fellow, wringing
his hands ; ' and ain't we in the States ? '
' No,' said I ; ' this is Canada.'
'Joe! Joe!' cried he, pulling his son by the collar,
' listen to this, acushla. Oh, murther, murther ! we 're
kilt and destroyed intirely ! '
' What is it, father ? ' said a tall, powerfully-built man,
who spoke in a low but resolute voice ; ' what ails you ? '
' Tell him, darlint — tell him ! ' said the old man, not able
to utter his griefs.
• It seems,' said I, ' that you believed yourselves in the
States; now this is not so. This is British America —
Lower Canada.'
' Isn't it " Quaybec ? " ' said he, standing full in front
of me.
' It is Quebec ; but still that is Canada.'
' And it 's ten thousand miles from Dan ! ' said the old
fellow, whose cries were almost suffocating him.
' Whisht, father, and let me talk,' said the son ; ' do you
know New Orleans ? '
' Perfectly — every street of it,' said I, with an effrontery
the darkness aided considerably.
' And how far is 't from here ? '
' Something like thirteen or fourteen hundred miles, at
a rough guess.'
CON CREGAN 221
' Oh, th' eternal villain ! if I had him by the neck ! ' cried
Joe, as he struck the ground a blow with his blackthorn
which certainly would not have improved the human face
divine ; ' he towld me they were a few miles asunder — an
easy day's walk ! '
' Who said so ? ' asked I.
' The chap on Eden Quay, in Dublin, where we took our
passage.'
' Don't be down-hearted anyway,' said I ; ' distance is
nothing here ; we think no more of a hundred miles than
you do in Ireland of a walk before breakfast. If it 's any
comfort to you, I'm going the same way myself.' This
very consolatory assurance, which I learned then for the
first time also, did not appear to give the full confidence I
expected, for Joe made no answer, but, with head dropped
and clasped hands, continued to mutter some words in
Irish, that, so far as sound went, had not the ' clink ' of
blessings.
• He knows Dan,' said the old man to his son, in a
whisper, which, low as it was, my quick ears detected.
'What does he know about him?' exclaimed the son
savagely ; for the memory of one deception was too strong
upon him to make him lightly credulous.
' I knew a very smart young man — a very promising
young fellow indeed, at New Orleans,' said I, ' of the name
you speak of — Dan Cullinane.'
' What part of Ireland did he come from ? ' asked Joe.
'The man I mean was from Clare, somewhere in the
neighbourhood of Ennis.'
' That 's it ! ' said the old man.
' Whisht ! ' said the son, whose caution was not so easily
satisfied ; and turning to me, added, ' What was he by
trade ? '
' He was a shoemaker, and an excellent one; indeed, I 've
no hesitation in saying, one of the best in New Orleans.'
' What was the street he lived in ? '
Here was a puzzler ! for, as my reader knows, I was at
222 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the end of my information, and had not the slightest
knowledge of New Orleans or its localities. The little
scrap of newspaper I had picked up on Anticosti was the
only thing having any reference to that city I ever
possessed in my life. But, true to my theory, to let
nothing go to loss, I remembered this now, and with an
easy confidence said, ' I cannot recall the street, but it is
just as you turn out of the street where the Picayune
newspaper-office stands.'
' Right ! — all right, by the father of Moses ! ' cried Joe,
stretching out a brawny hand, and shaking mine with the
cordiality of friendship. Then stepping forward to where
the rest of the party were walking with two most loqua-
cious guides, he said, 'Molly! here's a boy knows Dan!
Biddy ! come here, and hear about Dan ! '
Two young girls, in long cloth cloaks, turned hastily
round, and drew near, as they exclaimed in a breath, ' Oh,
tell us about Dan, sir ! '
''Tis betther wait till we're in a house,' said the old
man, who was, however greedy for news, not a little
desirous of a fire and something to eat. ' Sure you '11
come with us, and take yer share of what's going,' said
he to me ; an invitation which, ere I could reply to, was
reiterated by the whole party.
1 Do you know where we 're going here ? ' asked Joe of
me, as we continued our way through mazes of gloomy
lanes that grew gradually less and less frequented.
' No,' said I, in a whisper, ' but 'tis best be on our guard
here — we are in a bad neighbourhood.'
' Well, there 's three boys there,' said he, pointing to his
sons, who walked in front, ' that will pay for all they get.
Will you ax the fellows how far we 're to go yet, for they
don't mind me.'
' Are we near this same lodging-house ? ' said I bluntly
to the guides, and using French, to show that I was no
unfledged arrival from beyond the seas.
' Ahi ! ' cried one, ' a gaillard from the battery.'
CON CREGAN 223
' Where from, a la gueule de loup, young mounseer ? '
said the other, familiarly catching me by the lapel of my
coat.
' Because I am not afraid of his teeth,' said I, with an
easy effrontery my heart gave a flat lie to.
' Vrai ? ' said he, with a laugh of horrible meaning.
' Vrai ! ' repeated I, with a sinking courage, but a very
bold voice.
' I wish we were in better company,' whispered I to
Joe ; ' what directions did you give these fellows ? '
' To show us the best lodging-house for the night, and
that we 'd pay well for it.'
' Ah ! ' thought I, ' that explains something.'
' Here we are, mounseers,' said one, as, stopping at the
door of a two-storeyed house, he knocked with his knuckles
on the panel.
'Nous fillons, slick, en suite, here,' said the other,
holding out his hand.
' They are going ! ' whispered I ; ' they want to be paid,
and we are well rid of them.'
' It would be manners to wait and see if they '11 let us
in,' said Joe, who did not fancy this summary departure,
while he fumbled in his pocket for a suitable coin.
' Vite ! — quick ! — sharp time ! ' cried one of the fellows,
who, as the sound of voices was heard from within, seemed
impatient to be off ; and so, snatching rather than taking
the shilling which still lingered in Joe's reluctant fingers,
he wheeled about and fled, followed rapidly by the other.
' Qui va ! ' cried a sharp voice from within, as I knocked
for the second time on the door-panel with a stone.
' Friends,' said I ; ' we want a lodging and something
to eat.'
The door was at once opened, and, by the light of a
lantern, we saw the figure of an old woman, whose eyes,
bleared and bloodshot, glared at us fixedly.
' 'Tis a lodgen' yez want ? ' said she, in an accent that
showed her to be Irish. ' And who brought yez here ? '
224 THE CONFESSIONS OF
f Two young fellows we met on the quay,' said Joe ;
' one called the other " Tony." '
' Ay, indeed ! ' muttered the hag ; ' I was sure of it ; his
own son ! his own son ! '
These words she repeated in a tone of profound sorrow,
and for a time seemed quite unmindful of our presence.
' Are we to get in at all ? ' said the old man, in an accent
of impatience.
' What a hurry yer in ; and maybe 'tis wishing yerself
out again ye 'd be, after ye wor in ! '
' I think we 'd better try somewhere else,' whispered Joe
to me ; ' I don't like the look of this place.' Before I could
reply to this, a loud yell burst forth from the end of the
street, accompanied by the tramp of many people, who
seemed to move in a kind of regulated step.
' Here they are ! Here they come ! ' cried the old
woman ; ' step in quick, or ye '11 be too late ! ' and she
dragged the young girls forward by the cloak, into the
hall ; we followed without further question. Then placing
the lantern on the floor, she drew a heavy chain across the
door, and dropped her cloak over the light, saying in a low,
tremulous voice, ' Them 's the " Tapageers ! " '
The crowd now came closer, and we perceived that
they were singing in chorus a song, of which the air at
least was Irish.
The barbarous rhyme of one rude verse, as they sung it
in passing, still lingers in my memory :
' No bloody agent here we see
Ready to rack, distrain, and saze us,
Whate'er we ax, we have it free,
And take at hand, whatever plaze us.
Tow, row, row,
Will yez show me now,
The polls that '11 dare to face ns ! '
• There they go ! 'tis well ye wor safe ! ' said the old hag,
as the sounds died away, and all became silent in the
street without.
CON CREGAN 225
'Who, or what are they?' said I; my curiosity being
stimulated by fear.
' Them 's the " Tapageers ! " The chaps that never
spared man or woman in their rounds. 'Tis bad enough,
the place is ; but they make it far worse ! '
' Can we stop here for the night ? ' said Joe, growing
impatient at the colloquy.
' And what for wud ye stop here ? ' asked the crone, as
she held up the lantern the better to see him who made
the demand.
'We want our supper, and a place to sleep,' said the
old man ; ' and we 're able and willin' to pay for both.'
' 'Tis a nice place ye kem for either ! ' said she ; and she
leaned back against the wall, and laughed with a fiend-
like malice, that made my blood chill.
4 Then I suppose we must go somewhere else,' said Joe ;
' come, boys, 'tis no use losing our time here ! '
' God speed you ! ' said she, preparing to undo the chain
that fastened the door. ' Ye have bould hearts, anyway !
There they go ! d' ye hear them ? ' This was said in a half-
whisper, as the wild yells of the ' Tapageers ' arose
without ; and soon after, the noise and tumult of a scuffle ;
at least we could hear the crashing of sticks, and the
shouting of a fray; from which, too, piercing cries for
help burst forth.
'What are ye doin'? are ye mad? are ye out of your
sinses ? ' cried the hag, as Joe endeavoured to wrest open
the chain — the secret of which he did not understand.
'They're murdering some one without there ! ' said he.
' Let me free, or 1 11 kick down your old door, this minute ! '
' Kick away, honey ! ' said the hag ; ' as strong men as
yourself tried that a'ready ; and d' ye hear, it 's done now !
it 's over ! ' These terrible words were in allusion to a low
kind of sobbing sound, which grew fainter and fainter,
and then ceased altogether.
' They 're taking the body away,' whispered she, after a
pause of deathlike stillness.
13 p
226 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Where to ? ' said I, half breathless with terror.
' To the river ! the stream runs fast, and the corpse
will be down below Goose Island — ay, in the Gulf, 'fore
morning ! '
The two young girls, unable longer to control their
feelings, here burst out a-crying ; and the old man, pulling
out a rosary, turned to the wall, and began his prayers.
' 'Tis a bloody place ; glory be to God ! ' said Joe, at last,
with a sigh, and clasped his hands before him, like one
unable to decide on what course to follow.
I saw, now, that all were so paralysed by fear, that it
devolved upon me to act for the rest ; so, summoning my
best courage, I said, ' Will you allow us to stay here for
the night ? since we are strangers, and do not know where
to seek shelter.' She shook her head, not so much with
the air of refusing my request, as to convey that I had
asked for something scarce worth the granting.
' We only want a shelter for the night ' .
' And a bit to eat,' broke in the old man, turning round
from his prayers. ' Sanctificatur in sec'la — if it was only a
bit of belly bacon, and — Tower of Ivory, pray for us — with
a pot of praties, and — House of Gold '
' Is he a friar ? ' said the hag to me eagerly ; { does he
belong to an " ordher ? " '
• No,' said I ; 'he 's only a good Catholic'
She wrung her hands, as if in disappointment ; and
then, taking up the lantern once more, said, ' Come along !
I '11 show yez where ye can stay.'
We followed, I leading the others, up a narrow and
rickety stair, between two walls, streaming with damp,
and patched with mould. When she reached the landing,
she searched for a moment for a key, which having found,
she opened the door of a long low room, whose only
furniture was a deal table and a few chairs ; a candle
stuck in a bottle, and some drinking-vessels of tin, were
on the table, and a piece of newspaper containing some
tobacco.
CON CREGAN 227
' There,' said she, lighting the candle ; ' ye may stay
here ; 'tis all I 'm able to do for yez, is to give ye shelter.'
' And nothing to eat ? ' ejaculated the old man sorrow-
fully.
' Hav'n't you a few potatoes ? ' said Joe.
'I didn't taste food since yesterday morning,' said the
hag ; ' and that 's what 's to keep life in me to-morrow ! '
and as she spoke she held out a fragment of blackened
sea-biscuit, such as Russian sailors call ' rusk.'
' Well, by coorse, there 's no use in talking,' said Joe,
who always seemed the first to see his way clearly. ' 'Tis
worse for the girls, for ice can take a draw of the pipe.
Lucky for us we have it ! '
Meanwhile, the two girls had taken off their cloaks,
and were busy gathering some loose sticks together to
make a fire, a piece of practical wisdom I at once lent all
aid to.
The hag, apparently moved by the ready compliance to
make the best of matters, went out, and returned with
some more wood, fragments of ship-timber, which she
offered us, saying, ' 'Tis all I can give yez. Good-night to
yez all ! '
' Well, father,' said Joe, as soon as he had lighted his
pipe, and taken a seat by the fire, ' you wor tired enough of
the ship, but I think you wish yerself back again there
now.'
' I wish more nor that,' said the old man querulously ;
' I wish I never seen the same ship, nor ever left ould
Ireland ! '
This sentiment threw a gloom over the whole party, by
awakening not only memories of home and that far-away
land, but also by the confession of a sense of disappoint-
ment, which each was only able to struggle against while
unavowed. The sorrow made them silent, and at last
sleepy. At first the three ' boys,' great fellows of six feet
high, stretched themselves full length on the floor, and
snored away in concert ; then the two girls, one with her
228 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
head on the other's lap, fell off ; while the old man, sitting
directly in front of the fire, nodded backwards and
forwards, waking up every half-hour or so to light his
pipe, which done, he immediately fell off into a doze
once more, leaving Joe and myself alone waking and
watchful.
=SfflSFfIE.3WB
A NIGHT IN THE 'LOWER TOWN'
OE'S eyes were bent upon me, as I sat
directly opposite him, with a fixedness
that I could easily see was occasioned
by my showy costume; his glances ranged from my buckled
shoes to my white cravat, adorned with a splendid brooch
of mock amethyst ; nay, I almost fancied once that he was
counting the silver clocks on my silk stockings ! It was a
look of most undisguised astonishment — such a look as
one bestows upon some new and singular animal, of whose
habits and instincts we are lost in conjecture.
Now, I was ' York too ' — that is to say, I was Irish as
well as himself ; and I well knew that there was no rank
or condition of man for which the peasant in Ireland
conceives the same low estimate as the 'livery servant.'
The class is associated in his mind with chicanery, im-
pudence, falsehood, theft, and a score of similar good
properties ; not to add, that being occasionally, in great
230 THE CONFESSIONS OF
families, a native of England, the Saxon element is united
to the other ' bitters ' of the potion.
Scarcely a tenant could be found that would not
rather face a mastiff than a footman — such is the pro-
verbial dislike to these human lilies, who neither toil nor
spin. Now, I have said I knew this well: I had been
reared in the knowledge and practice of this and many-
similar antipathies, so that I at once took counsel with
myself what I should do to escape from the reproach of a
mark so indelibly stamped upon me by externals. La
famille Cullinane suited me admirably — they were pre-
cisely the kind of people I wanted; my care, therefore,
was that they should reciprocate the want, and be utterly
helpless without me. Thus reflecting, I could not help
saying to myself, how gladly would I have parted with all
these gauds for a homely, ay, or even a ragged suit of
native frieze. I remembered the cock on the dunghill,
who would have given his diamond for one single grain of
corn ; and I felt that iEsop was a grand political economist.
From these and similar mental meanderings I was
brought back by Joe, who, after emptying the ashes
from his pipe, said, and with a peculiarly dry voice,
' You 're in service, young man ? '
Now, although the words were few, and the speaker did
not intend that his manner should have given them any
particular significance, yet the tone, the cautious slowness
of the enunciation— coupled with the stern, steady stare at
my ' bravery,' made them tingle on my ears and send the
blood rushing to my cheeks with shame. It was like a
sharp prick of the spur ; and so it turned out.
' In service ! ' said I, with a look of offended dignity.
' No, I flatter myself not that low yet. What could have
made you suppose so ? Oh, I see ! ' — here I burst out into
a very well-assumed laugh ; ' that is excellent, to be sure !
ha, ha, ha ! so it was these ' — and I stretched forth my
embroidered shins — ' it was these deceived you ! and a very
natural mistake, too. No, my worthy friend; not but,
CON CREGAN 231
indeed, I might envy niany in that same ignoble position.'
I said this with a sudden change of voice, as though over-
cast by some sad recollection.
''Twas indeed your dress,' said Joe, with a modest
deference in his manner, meant to be a full apology for
his late blunder. ' Maybe 'tis the fashion here.'
' No, Cullinane,' said I, using a freedom which should
open the way to our relative future standing; 'no, not
even that ' ; here I heaved a heavy sigh, and became silent.
My companion, abashed by his mistake, said nothing ; and
so we sat without interchanging a word for full five
minutes.
' I have had a struggle with myself, Cullinane,' said I
at last, ' and I have conquered. Ay, I have gained the day
in a hard-fought battle against my sense of shame. I will
be frank with you, therefore. In this dress I appeared
to-night on the boards of the Quebec theatre.'
' A play-actor ! ' exclaimed Joe, with a face very far
from expressing any high sense of the histrionic art.
' Not exactly,' said I, ' only a would-be one. I am a
gentleman by birth, family, and fortune ; but taking into
my head, in a foolish hour, that I should like the excite-
ment of an actor's life, I fled from home, quitted friends,
relatives, affluence, and ease, to follow a strolling company.
At another time I may relate to you all the disguises I
assumed to escape detection. Immense sums were offered
for my apprehension — why do I say were ? — ay, Cullinane,
are offered. I will not deceive you. It is in your power
this instant, by surrendering me to my family, to earn five
thousand dollars ! '
'Do you think I'd be '
' No, I do not. In proof of my confidence in you, hear
my story. We travelled through the States at first by un-
frequented routes till we reached the north, when gaining
courage, I ventured to take a high range of characters,
and, I will own it, with success. At last we came to
Canada, in which country, although the reward had not
232 THE CONFESSIONS OF
been announced, my father had acquainted all the principal
people with my flight, entreating them to do their utmost
to dissuade me from a career so far below my rank and
future prospects. Among others, he wrote to an old friend
and schoolfellow, the Governor-General, requesting his aid
in this affair. I was always able, from other sources, to
learn every step that was taken with this object ; so that
I not only knew this, but actually possessed a copy of my
father's letter to Lord Poynder, wherein this passage
occurred : " Above all things, my dear Poynder, no
publicity ! no exposure ! remember the position Cornelius
will one day hold, and let him not be ashamed when he
may meet you in after-life. If the silly boy can be
induced, by his own sense of dignity, to abandon this
unworthy pursuit, so much the better ; but coercion would,
I fear, give faint hope of eradicating the evil." Now, as I
perceived that no actual force was to be employed against
me, I did not hesitate to appear in the part for which the
bills announced me. Have you ever read Shakespeare ? '
' No, sir,' said Joe respectfully.
' Well, no matter. I was to appear as Hamlet — this
is the dress of that character — little suspecting, indeed,
how the applause I was accustomed to receive was to be
changed. To be brief. In the very centre of the dress-
circle was the Governor himself ; he came with his whole
staff, but without any previous intimation. No sooner
had I made my entrance on the scene — scarcely had I
begun that magnificent soliloquy, " Show me the thief
that stole my fame" — when his Excellency commenced
hissing ! Now, when the Governor-General hisses, all the
staff hiss ; then the President of the Council and all his
colleagues hiss ; then comes the bishop and the inferior
clergy, with the judges and the Attorney-General, and so
on ; then all the loyal population of the house joined in,
with the exception of a few in the galleries, that hated the
British connection, and who cried out, " Three cheers for
Con Cregan and the independence of Canada!" In this
CON CREGAN 233
way went on the first act, groans and yells and catcalls
overtopping all I tried to say, and screams for the manager
to come out issuing from every part of the house. At last
out he did come. This for a while made matters worse :
so many directions were given, questions asked, and
demands made, that it was clearly impossible to hear any
one voice ; and there stood the manager, swinging his
arms about like an insane telegraph, now running to the
stage-box at one side, then crossing over to the other, to
maintain a little private conversation by signs, till the
sense of the house spoke out by accidentally catching a
glimpse of me in the side-scenes.
' " Is it your pleasure, my lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
that this actor should not appear again before you ? '
'"Yes — yes! No — no — no!" were shouted from hundreds
of voices.
' " What am I to understand ? " said he, bowing with his
arms crossed submissively before him ; ' I submit myself
to your orders. If Mr. Cregan does not meet your appro-
bation '
1 " Throw him into the dock ! — break his neck ! — set him
adrift on a log down the Gulf -stream ! — chip him up for
bark ! — burn him for charcoal ! " — and twenty other like
humane proposals burst forth together ; and so not wait-
ing to see how far the manager's politeness would carry
him, I fled from the theatre. Yes, Cullinane, I fled with
shame and disgust from that fickle public, who applaud
with ecstasy to-day that they may condemn with infamy
to-morrow. Nor was I deceived by the vain egotism of
supposing that / was the object of their ungenerous anger.
Alas ! my friend, the evil lay deeper — it was my Irish name
and family they sought to insult! The old grudge that
they bear us at home, they carry over the seas with
them. How plain it is ; they never can forgive our
superiority. It is this they seek revenge upon wherever
they find us.'
I own that in giving this peculiar turn to my narrative,
234 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I was led by perceiving that my listener had begun to
show a most lamentable want of sympathy for myself
and my sufferings, so I was driven to try what a little
patriotism might do in arousing his feelings; and I was
right. Some of Cullinane's connections had been Terrys —
or Blackfeet or Whitefeet, or some one or other of those
pleasant fraternities who study ball-practice, with a land-
lord for the bull's-eye. He at once caught up the spirit of
my remarks, and even quoted some eloquent passages of
Mr. O'Connell, about the width of our shoulders, and the
calves of our legs, and other like personal advantages,
incontestably showing as they do that we never were
made to be subject to the Saxon. It was the law of the
land, however, which had his heartiest abhorrence. This,
like nine-tenths of his own class in Ireland, he regarded
as a systematic means of oppression, invented by the rich
to give them the tyrannical dominion over the poor. Nor
is the belief to be wondered at, considering how cognisant
the peasant often is of all the schemes and wiles by which
a conviction is compassed ; nay, the very adroitness of a
legal defence in criminal cases — the feints, the quips, the
stratagems — instead of suggesting admiration for those
barriers by which the life and liberty of a subject is
protected, only engendered a stronger conviction of the
roguish character of that ordeal where craft and subtlety
could do so much.
It was at the close of a very long diatribe over Irish
law and lawyers, that Cullinane, whose confidence in-
creased each moment, said, with a sigh, ' Ay ! they worn't
so 'cute in ould times, when my poor grandfather was
tried, as they are now, or maybe he'd have had betther
luck.'
' What happened to him ? ' said I.
' He was hanged, acushla ! ' said he, knocking the ashes
out of his pipe as leisurely as might be, and then mumbling
a scrap of a prayer below his breath.
' For what ? ' asked I, in some agitation ; but he didn't
CON CREGAN 235
hear me, being sunk in his own reflections, so that I was
forced to repeat my question.
' You never heerd of one Mr. Shinane, of the Grove ? '
said he, after a pause ; ' of coorse ye didn't — 'tis many
years ago now ; but he was well known oncet, and owned
a great part of Ennistymore, and a hard man he was. But
no matter for that — he was a strong, full man, with rosy
cheeks, and stout built, and sorra a lease in the country
had not his life in it ! — a thing he liked well, for he used to
say, " It '11 be the ruin of ye all, if any one shoots me ! "
Well, my grandfather — rest his sowl in glory! — was his
driver, and used to manage everything on the property for
him ; and considerin' what a hard thing it is, he was well
liked by the country round — all but by one man, Maurice
Cafferty by name. I never seed him, for it was all 'fore I
was born, but the name is in my mind, as if I knew him
well — I used to hear it every night of my life when I was a
child !
' There was a dispute about Cafferty's houldin', and my
grandfather was for turnin' him out, for he was a bad
tenant ; but Mr. Shinane was af eerd of him, and said,
" Leave him quiet, Mat," says he ; " he 's a troublesome
chap, and we '11 get rid of him in our own good time ; but
don't drive him to extremities. I told him to come up to
the cottage this morning ; come with me there, and we '11
talk to him." Now the cottage was a little place about two
miles off, in the woods, where the master used to dine
sometimes in summer, when they were chipping bark, but
nobody lived there.
' It was remarked by many that morning, as they went
along, that my grandfather and Mr. Shinane were in high
words all the time — at least so the people working in the
fields thought, and even the childer that was picking bark
said that they were talking as if they were very angry
with each other.
' This was about eleven o'clock, and at the same time
Cafferty, who was selling a pig in Ennistymore, said to the
236 THE CONFESSIONS OF
butcher, "Be quick, and tell me what you'll give, for I
must go home and clean myself, as I'm to speak to the
master to-day about my lease," Well, at a little before
twelve Cafferty came through the wood, and asked the
people had they seen Mr. Shinane pass by, for that he
towld him to meet him at the cottage ; and the workmen
said yes, and more by token that he was quarrellin' with
Mat Cullinane. " I 'm sorry for that," says Cafferty, " for I
wanted him to be in a good humour, and long life to him !"
The words wasn't well out, but what would they see but
my grandfather running towards them, at the top of his
speed, screeching out like mad, " The master 's murdered !
the master's kilt dead!" Away they all went to the
cottage, and there upon the floor was the dead body, with
an axe buried deep in the skull — so deep that only the
thick part of the iron was outside. That was the dreadful
sight ! and sure enough, after looking at the corpse, every
eye was turned on my grandfather, who was leaning on
the dresser, pale and trembling, and his hands and knees
all covered with blood. "How did it happen, Mat?" said
three or four together ; but Cafferty muttered, " It 's better
ask nothing about it; it's not likely he'll tell us the
truth!"
'The same night my grandfather was arrested on
suspicion and brought to Ennis, where he was lodged in
gaol; and although there was no witness agin' him, nor
anything more than I towld ye — the high words between
them, the axe being my grandfather's, the blood on his
clothes and hands, and his dreadful confusion when the
people came up — all these went so hard against him, and
particularly as the judge said it was good to make an
example, that he was condemned; and so it was he was
hanged on the next Saturday in front of the gaol ! '
' But what defence did he make ? what account did he
give of the circumstance ? '
' All he could tell was, that he was standing beside the
master at the table, talking quietly, when he heard a shout
CON CREGAN 237
and a yell in the wood, and he said, " They 're stealing the
bark out there ; they '11 not leave us a hundredweight of it
yet!" and out he rushed into the copse. The shouting
grew louder, and he thought it was some of the men cryin'
for help, and so he never stopped running till he came
where they were at work felling trees. "What's the
matter ? " says he to the men, as he came up panting and
breathless ; " where was the screeching ? "
' " We heerd nothing," says the men.
' " Ye heerd nothing ! didn't ye hear yells and shouting
this minute ? "
' " Sorra bit," says the men, looking strangely at each
other, for my grandfather was agitated, and trembling,
between anger and a kind of fear ; just, as he said after-
wards, " as if there was something dreadful going to
happen him ! " " Them was terrible cries, anyway ! " says
my grandfather; and with that he turned back to the
cottage, and it was then that he found the master lying
dead on his face, and the axe in his skull. He tried to lift
him up, or turn him over on his back, and that was the
way he bloodied his hands, and all the front of his clothes.
That was all he had to say, and to swear before the sight
of Heaven that he didn't do it !
• No matter ! they hanged him for it ! Ay, and I have
an ould newspaper in my trunk this minit, where there 's
a great discoorse about the wickedness of a crayture going
out of the world wid a lie on his last breath ! '
' And you think he was innocent ? ' said I.
' Sure, we know it ! sure, the priest said to my father —
" Take courage," says he, " your father isn't in a bad place.
If he 's in purgatory," says he, " he 's not over the broken
bridge, where the murderers does be, but in the meadows,
where the stream is shallow and stepping-stones in it ! and
every stone costs ten masses — sorra more ! " God help us !
but blood is a dreadful thing ! ' And with this reflection,
uttered in a voice of fervent feeling, the hardy peasant laid
down his pipe ; and I could see, by his muttering lips and
238 THE CONFESSIONS OF
clasped hands, that he was offering up a prayer for the
soul's rest of his unhappy kinsman.
' And what became of Caff erty ? ' said I, as he finished
his devotions.
' 'Twas never rightly known ; for, after he gave evidence
on the trial, the people didn't like him, and he left the
place ; some say. he went to his mother's relations down in
Kerry ! '
The deep-drawn breathings of the sleepers around us ;
the unbroken stillness of the night ; the fast-expiring
embers, which only flickered at intervals, contributed their
aid to make the story more deeply affecting ; and I sat
pondering over it, and canvassing within my mind all the
probabilities of the condemned man's guilt or innocence ;
nor, I must own it, were all my convictions on the side of
the narrator's belief ; but even that very doubt heightened
the interest considerably. As for Cullinane, his thoughts
were evidently less with the incidents of the characters as
they lived, than with that long pilgrimage of expiation, in
which his imagination pictured his poor relative still a
wanderer beyond the grave.
The fire now barely flickered, throwing from time to
time little jets of light upon the sleeping figures around
us, and then leaving all in dark indistinctness. My com-
panion also, crouching down, hid his face within his hands,
and either slept or was lost in deep thought, and I alone of
all the party was left awake, my mind dwelling on the tale
I had just heard with a degree of interest to which the
place and the hour strongly contributed.
I had been for some time thus, when the sound of feet
moving heavily overhead attracted my attention — they
were like the sluggish footsteps of age, but passing to and
fro with what seemed haste and eagerness. I could hear
a voice, too, which even in its indistinctness I recognised
as that of the old woman, and once or twice fancied I
could detect another, whose accents sounded like pain and
suffering. The shuffling footsteps still continued, and I
CON CREGAN 239
heard the old crazy sash of the window open, and, after an
interval, shut again, while I distinctly could catch the old
hag's voice, saying, ' It 's all dark without ; there 's no use
"trying!"' A low whining sound followed; and then I
heard the old woman slowly descending the stairs, and by
the motion of her hand along the wall I conjectured that
she had no light.
She stopped as she came to the door, and seemed to
listen to the long-drawn breathing of the sleepers, and
then she pushed open the door and entered. With a
strange dread of what this might mean, I still resolved to
let the event take its course ; and, feigning deepest sleep, I
lay back against the wall, and watched her well.
Guiding herself along by the wall, she advanced slowly,
halting every second or third step to listen — a strange
precaution, since her own asthmatic breathing was enough
to mask all other sounds. At last she neared the grate ;
and then her thin and cordlike fingers passed from the
wall, to rest upon my head. It was with a kind of thrill I
felt them, for I perceived by the touch that she did not
know on what her hand was placed. She knelt down now,
close beside me, and stooping over, stirred the embers with
her fingers, till she discovered some faint resemblance to
fire, amid the dark ashes. To brighten this into flame, she
blew upon it for several minutes, and, even taking the
live embers in her hands, tried in every way to kindle
them.
With a patience that seemed untirable, she continued
at this for a long time — now selecting from the hearth
some new material to work upon, and now abandoning it
for another — till when I had almost grown drowsy in
watching this monotonous process, a thin bright light
sprang up, and I saw that she had lighted a little piece of
candle that she held in her hand. I think even now I
have her before me, as, crouched down upon her knees,
and sheltering the candle from the current air of the
room, she took a stealthy but searching glance at the
240 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
figures, who in every attitude of weariness were sleeping
heavily around.
It was not without a great effort that she regained her
feet — for she was very old and infirm; and now she
retraced her steps cautiously as she came — stooping at
intervals to listen, and then resuming her way as before.
I watched her till she passed out ; and then, as I heard her
first heavy footstep on the stair, I slipped off my shoes
and followed her.
My mind throughout the whole of that night had been
kept in a state of tension, that invariably has the effect
of magnifying the significance of every — even the very
commonest occurrences. It resembles that peculiar con-
dition in certain maladies, when the senses become preter-
naturally acute; in such moments the reason is never
satisfied with drawing only from inferences for any fact
before it ; it seeks for more, and in the effort becomes lost
in the mazes of mere fancy. I will own that, as with
stealthy step and noiseless gesture I followed that old
hag, there was a kind of ecstasy in my terror which no
mere sense of pleasure could convey. The light seemed
to show ghastly shapes, as she passed, on the green and
mouldy walls ; and her head, with its masses of long and
straggling grey hair, nodded in shadow like some un*
earthly spectre.
As she came nigh the top, I heard a weak and whining
cry, something too deep for the voice of infancy, but
seeming too faint for manhood. ' Ay, ay,' croaked the
hag harshly, ' I 'm coming — I 'm coming ! ' and as she said
this, she pushed open a door and entered a room, which,
by the passing gleam of light as she went, I presumed lay
next to the roof, for the rafters and the tiles were both
visible, as there was no ceiling.
I held my breath as I slowly stole along, and then
reaching the door as it lay half ajar, I crouched down and
peeped in.
SCENE, AND 'MY LUCUBRATIONS
ON THE ST. LAWRENCE'
HEN the light of the candle which the
old woman carried had somewhat dissi-
pated the darkness, I could see the whole interior of the
room ; and certainly, well habituated as I had been from
my earliest years to such sights, poverty like this I never
had seen before ! Not a chair nor table was there ; a
few broken utensils for cooking, such as are usually
thrown away as useless among rubbish, stood upon the
cold hearth. A few potatoes on one broken dish, and a
little meat on another, were the only things like food.
It was not for some minutes that I perceived in the corner
a miserable bed of straw confined within a plank, sup-
ported by two rough stones ; nor was it till I had looked
long and closely that I saw that the figure of a man lay
extended on the bed, his stiffened and outstretched limbs
resembling those of a corpse. Towards this the old
woman now tottered with slow steps, and setting the
small piece of candle upright in a saucer, she approached
13 Q
242 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the bed. ' There it is, now ; look at it, and make yer
mind aisy,' said she, placing it on the floor beside the bed,
in such a position that he could see it.
The sick man turned his face round, and as his eyes
met the light, there came over his whole features a
wondrous change. Livid and clammy with the death
sweat, the rigid muscles relaxed, and in the staring eye-
balls and the parted lips there seemed a perfect paroxysm
of emotion. ' Is that it ? — are you sure that 's it ? ' cried he,
in a voice to which the momentary excitement imparted
strength.
' To be sure I am ; I seen Father Ned bless it himself
and sprinkle it too ! ' said she.
• Oh ! the heavenly ' He stopped, and in a lower
voice added, ' Say it for me, Molly ! — say it for me, Molly !
I can't say it myself.'
' Keep your eyes on the blessed candle ! ' said the hag
peevishly ; ' 'tis a quarter dollar it cost me.'
'Wouldn't he come, Molly? — did he say he wouldn't
come ? '
' Father Ned ! arrah, 'tis likely he 'd come here at night,
with the Tapageers on their rounds, and nothing to give
him when he kem ! '
' Not to hear my last words ! — not to take my confes-
sion ! ' cried he, in a kind of shriek. ' Oh ! 'tis the black
list of sins I have to own to ! '
' Whisht — whisht ! ' cried the hag. ' 'Tis many a year
ago now ; maybe it 's all forgot.'
' No, it 's not,' cried the dying man, with a wild energy
he did not seem to have strength for. 'When you wor
away, Molly, he was here, standing beside the bed.'
The old hag laughed with a horrid sardonic laugh.
' Don't — don't, for the love of — ah — I can't say — I can't
say it,' cried he, and the voice died away in the effort.
' What did he say to ye when he kem ? ' said she, in a
scoffing tone.
' He never spoke a word, but he pressed back the cloth
CON CREGAN 243
that was on his head, and I saw the deep cut in it, down to
the very face ! '
' Well, I am sure it had time to heal before this,' said
the woman, with a tone of mockery that at last became
palpable to the dying man.
' Where 's Dan, Molly — did he never come back since ? '
' Sorra bit : he said he 'd go out of the house, and never
come back to it. You frightened the boy with the terrible
things you say in your ravings.'
' Oh ! murther — murther — my own flesh and blood
desart me.'
' Then why won't you be raisonable — why won't you
hould your peace about what happened long agone ? '
' Because I can't,' said he, with a peevish eagerness.
' Because I 'm going where it 's all known a'ready.'
'Faix, and I wouldn't be remindin' them, anyway!'
said the hag, whose sarcastic impiety added fresh tortures
to the dying sinner.
' I wanted to tell Father Ned all — I wanted to have
masses for him that 's gone — the man that suffered instead
of me! Oh dear! — Oh dear! — and nobody will come
to me.'
'If ye cry that loud I'll leave you too,' said the hag.
' They know already 'tis the spotted fever ye have, and
the Tapageers would burn the house under you, if I was
to go.'
' Don't go, Molly — don't leave me ! ' he cried, with heart-
rending anguish. ' Bring the blessed candle nearer, I don't
see it well.'
' You '11 see less of it soon — 'tis nigh out,' said she, snuff-
ing the wick with her fingers.
The dying man now stretched out his fleshless fingers
towards the light, and I could see by his lips that he was
praying. ' They 're calling me now,' cried he, ' Molly ' —
and his voice of a sudden grew strong and full — ' don't you
hear them ? — there it is again — Maurice Caff erty — Maurice
Cafferty, yer wantin'.'
244 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Lie down and be at peace,' said she, rudely pushing
him back on the bed.
' The blessed candle — where 's the blessed candle ? '
shrieked he.
' 'Tis out,' said the hag, and as she spoke the wick fell
into the saucer, and all was dark.
A wild and fearful cry broke from the sick man, and re-
echoed through the silent house, and ere it died away I had
crept stealthily back to my place beside my companions.
' Did you hear anything, or was I dreamin' ? ' said Joe
to me ; ' I thought I heard the most dreadful scream-
like a man drownin'.'
'It was a dream, perhaps,' said I, shuddering at the
thought of what I had just witnessed, while I listened
with terrible anxiety for any sound overhead, but none
came ; and so passed the long hours till day-dawn.
Without revealing to my companion the terrible scene
I had been witness to, I told him that we were in the same
house with a fearful malady — an announcement I well
knew had greater terror for none than an Irish peasant.
He at once decided on departing ; and, although day was
barely breaking, he awoke the others, and a low whisper-
ing conversation ensued, in which I felt, or imagined at
least, that I was an interested party. At last, Joe turning
towards me, said, ' And you, sir, what do you mean
to do?'
' The very question,' said I, ' that I cannot answer. If
I were to follow my inclination, I'd turn homeward; if
I must yield to necessity, I'll call upon the Governor-
General, and remain with him till I hear from my friends.'
There was a pause — a moment of deliberation seemed
to fall upon the bystanders, which at length was broken
by the old man saying, ' Well, good-luck be with you, any
way ; 'tis the best thing you could do ! '
I saw that I had overshot my bolt, and with difficulty
concealed my annoyance at my own failure. My irritation
was, I conclude, sufficiently apparent, for Joe quickly said,
CON CREGAN 245
' We 're very sorry to part with you ; but if we could be of
any use before we go '
' Which way do you travel ? ' said I carelessly.
' That 's the puzzle, for we don't know the country. Tis
New Orleans we 'd like to go to first.'
' Nothing easier,' said I. ' Take the steamer to Montreal,
cross over into the States, down Lake Champlain to White-
hall, over to Albany, and then twenty hours down the
Hudson brings you to New York.'
'You know the way well!' said Joe, with an undis-
guised admiration for my geography, which, I need not
tell the reader, was all acquired from books and maps.
' I should think so ! ' said I, ' seeing that I might travel
it blindfold!'
' Is it dangerous ? Are there Injuns ? ' said the old man,
whose mind seemed very alive to the perils of red men.
' There are some tribes on the way,' said I ; ' but the
white fellows you meet with are worse than the red ones
— such rogues, and assassins, too ! '
1 The saints presarve us ! How will we ever do it ? '
' Look out for some smart fellow who knows the way,
and thoroughly understands the people, and who can
speak French fluently, for the first part of the journey,
and who is up to all the Yankee roguery, for the second.
Give him full power to guide and direct your expedition,
and you '11 have both a safe journey and a pleasant one.'
' Ay, and where will we get him ? ' cried one.
'And what would he be askin' for his trouble?' said
another ; while Joe, with an assenting nod, reiterated both
questions, and seemed to expect that answer from me.
' It ought to be easy enough in such a city as this,' said
I negligently. 'Are you acquainted with Forbes and
Gudgeon? They are my bankers. They could, I am sure,
find out your man at once.'
' Ah, sir, we know nobody at all ! ' exclaimed Joe, in an
accent of such humility that I actually felt shocked at my
own duplicity.
246 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'By Jove!' said I, as though a sudden thought had
struck me, 'very little would make me go with you my-
self.' A regular burst of joy from the whole party here
interrupted me. ' Yes, I 'm quite in earnest,' said I, with
a dignified air. ' This place will be excessively distasteful
to me henceforth. I have placed myself in what is called
a false position here, and 'twere far better to escape from
it at once.'
' That would be the making of us, all out, if you could
come, Mr. Gregan ! ' said Joe.
' Let me interrupt you one moment,' said I. ' If I should
accompany you on this journey, there is one condition
only upon which I would consent to it.'
' Whatever you like ; only say it,' said he, over whom I
had established a species of magnetic influence.
' It is this, then,' said I, ' that you treat me on terms of
perfect equality — forget my birth and rank in life ; regard
me exactly as one of yourselves. Let me be no longer
anything but Con Cregan.'
' That 's mighty handsome, entirely ! ' said the old man
— a sentiment concurred in by the whole family in chorus.
' Remember, then,' said I, ' no more Mr. Cregan. I am
Con — nothing more ! '
Joe looked unutterable delight at the condescension.
' Secondly, I should not wish to go back to my lodgings
here, after what has occurred ; so I '11 write a few lines to
have my trunks forwarded to Montreal, until which time
1 11 ask of you to procure me a change of costume, for I
cannot bear to be seen in this absurd dress by daylight.'
' To be sure — whatever you please ! ' said Joe, overjoyed
at the projected arrangement.
After some further discussion on the subject, I inquired
where their luggage was stored ; and learned that it lay
at the Montreal Steamer Wharf, where it had been
deposited the preceding day ; and by a bill of the packets,
which Joe produced, I saw that she was to sail that very
morning, at eight o'clock. There was then no time to lose ;
CON CREGAN 247
so I advised my companions to move silently and noise-
lessly from the house, and to follow me. With an implicit
reliance on every direction I uttered, they stole carefully
down the stairs, and issued into the street, which was now
deserted.
Although in total ignorance of the locality, I stepped
out confidently; and first making for the harbour, as a
' point of departure,' I at last reached the ' New Wharf,' as
the station of the river steamers was called. With an air
of the most consummate effrontery I entered the office to
bargain for our passage; and although the clerks were
not sparing of their ridicule, both on my pretensions and
my costume — as the conversation was carried on in French,
my companions stared in wonder at my fluency, and in
silent ecstasy at the good fortune that had thrown them
into such guidance.
It was a busy morning for me; since besides getting
their luggage on board, and procuring them a hearty
breakfast, I had also to arrange about my own costume,
of which I now felt really ashamed at every step.
At length we got under weigh, and steamed stoutly
against the fast-flowing St. Lawrence, our decks crowded
with a multifarious and motley crew of emigrants, all
bound for various places in the Upper Province, but with
as pleasant an ignorance of where they were going, what
it was like, and how far off, as the most devoted fatalist
could have wished for. A few, and they were the shrewd
exceptions, remembered the name of the city in whose
neighbourhood they were about to settle; many more
could only say negatively, that it wasn't Lachine, nor
it wasn't Trois Rivieres ; some were only capable of affirm-
ing that it was 'beyant Montreal,' or 'higher up than
Kingston ' ; and lastly, a ' few bright spirits ' were going,
' wid the help o' God, where Mick was,' or ' Peter.' They
were not downhearted, nor anxious, nor fretful for all
this ; far from it. It seemed as if the world before them,
in all the attractions of its novelty, suggested hope. They
248 THE CONFESSIONS OF
had left a land so full of wretchedness that no change
could well be worse; so they sat in pleasant little knots
and groups upon the deck ' discoorsinV Ay, just so! —
' discoorsinV Sassenach that you are ! I hear you mutter-
ing, What is that ? Well, I '11 tell you. ' Discoorsin' ' is
not talking, nor chaffing, nor mere conversing. It is not
the causerie of the French, nor the conversazione of Italy,
nor is it the Gespraclis Unterhaltung of plodding old
Germany, but it is an admirable me'lange of all together.
It is a grand olla podrida, where all things, political,
religious, agricultural, and educational, are discussed with
such admirable keeping, such uniformity in the tone of
sentiment and expression, that it would be difficult to
detect a change in the subject-matter, from the quiet
monotony of its handling. The Pope — the praties — Molly
Somebody's pig and the Priest's pony — Dan O'Connell's
last instalment of hope — the price of oats — the late assizes
— laments over the past, the blessed days when there was
little law and no police ; when masses were cheap and
mutton to be had for stealing it — such were the themes in
vogue. And though generally one speaker ' held the floor,'
there was a running chorus of 'Sure enough!' 'Devil
fear ye ! ' ' An' why not ? ' kept up, that made every hearer
a sleeping partner in the eloquence. Dissent or contra-
diction was a thing unheard of ; they were all subjects
upon which each felt precisely alike. No man's experience
pointed to anything save rainy seasons and wet potatoes,
cheap bacon and high county cess. Life had its one
phase of monotonous want, only broken in upon by the
momentary orgy of an election, or the excitement of a
county town on the Saturday of an execution.
And so it was. Like the nor'-easter that followed
them over the seas, came all the memories of what they
had left behind. They had little care for even a passing
look at the new and strange objects around them. The
giant cedar-trees along the banks — the immense rafts, like
floating islands, hurrying past on the foaming current,
CON CREGAN 249
with myriads of figures moving on them — the endless
forests of dark pines, the quaint log-houses, unlike those
farther north, and with more pretension to architectural
design — and now and then a Canadian bateau, shooting
past like a sword-fish, its red-capped crew saluting the
steamer with a wild cheer that would wake the echoes
many a mile away. If they looked at these, it was easy to
see that they noted them but indifferently ; their hearts
were far away. Ay ! in spite of misery, and hardship, and
famine, and flood, they were away in the wilds of Erris,
in the bleak plains of Donegal, or the lonely glens of
Connemara.
It has often struck me that our rulers should have per-
petuated the names of Irish localities in the New World.
One must have experienced the feeling himself to know
the charm of this simple association. The hourly recurr-
ing name that speaks so familiarly of home is a powerful
antidote to the sense of banishment.
Well, here I am, prosing about emigrants and their
regrets, and wants, and hopes, and wishes, and forgetting
the while the worthy little group who, with a hot ' net ' of
potatoes (for in this fashion each mess is allowed to boil
its quota), and a very savoury cut of ham, awaited my
presence in the steerage ; they were good and kindly souls
every one of them. The old grandfather was a fine prosy
old grumbler about the year '98, and the terrible doings of
the 'Yeos.' Joe was a stout-hearted, frank fellow, that
only wanted fair-play in the world to make his path
steadily onward. The sons were, in Irish parlance, ' good
boys,' and the girls fine-tempered and good-natured — as
ninety-nine out of the hundred are in the land they come
from.
Now, shall I forfeit some of my kind reader's considera-
tion if I say that, with all these excellences, and many
others besides, they became soon inexpressibly tiresome to
me. There was not a theme they spoke on that I had not
already by heart. Irish grievances, in all their moods and
250 THE CONFESSIONS OF
tenses, had been always ' stock pieces ' in my father's cabin,
and I am bound to acknowledge that the elder Cregan had
a sagacity of perception, a shrewdness of discrimination,
and an aptitude of expression not to be found every day.
Listening to the Cullinanes after him was like hearing the
butler commenting in the servants' hall over the debate
one had listened to in ' the House.' It was a strange, queer
sensation that I felt coming over me as we travelled along
day by day together, and I can even now remember the
shriek of ecstasy that escaped me one morning, when I
had hit upon the true analysis of my feelings, and jump-
ing up, I exclaimed, ' Con ! you are progressing, my boy ;
you 11 be a gentleman yet ; you have learned to be bored
already!' From that hour I cultivated 'my Cullinanes'
as people take a course of a Spa, where, nauseous and dis-
tasteful at the time, one fancies he is to store up Heaven
knows how many years of future health and vigour.
In a former chapter of these Confessions I have told
the reader the singular sensations I experienced when first
under the influence of port wine; how a kind of trans-
fusion, as it were, of Conservative principles, a respect for
order, a love of decorum, a sleepy indisposition to see
anything like confusion going on about me — all feelings
which, I take it, are eminently gentlemanlike. Well, this
fastidious weariness of the Cullinanes was evidently the
'second round of the ladder.' 'It is a grand thing to be
able to look down upon any one ! ' I do not mean this in
any invidious or unworthy sense ; not for the sake of
depreciating others, but purely for the sake of one's own
self-esteem. I would but convey that the secret conviction
of superiority is amazingly exhilarating. To 'hold your
stride ' beside an intellect that you can pass when you like,
and which you accompany merely in order to ' make a race,'
is rare fun ; to see the other using every effort of whip and
spur, bustling, shaking, and lifting, while you, well down
in your saddle, never put the rowel to the flank of your
fancy — this is indeed glorious sport ! In return for this,
CON CREGAN 251
however, there is an intolerable degree of lassitude in the
daily association of people who are satisfied to talk for
ever of the same things in the same terms.
The incidents of our journey were few and uninterest-
ing. At Montreal I received a very civil note from Mrs.
Davis, accompanying my trunk and my purse. In the
few lines I had written to her from the packet-office, I
said that my performance of a servant's character in her
establishment had been undertaken for a wager, which I
had just won ; that I begged of her, in consequence, to
devote the wages owing to me to any charitable office she
should think fit, and kindly to forward my effects to
Montreal, together with a certificate under her hand, that
my real rank and station had never been detected during
my stay in her house — this document being necessary to
convince my friend, Captain Pike, that I had fulfilled the
conditions of our bet.
Mrs. Davis's reply was a gem. ' She had heard or read
of Conacre, but didn't suspect we were the Cregans of that
place. She did not know how she could ever forgive
herself for having subjected me to menial duties. She
had indeed been struck — as who had not? — with certain
traits of my manner and address.' In fact, poor Mrs. D.,
what with the material for gossip suggested by the story,
the surprise, and the saving of the wages — for I suspect
that, like the Duke in Junius, her charity ended where it
is proverbially said to begin, at home — was in a perfect
paroxysm of delight with me, herself, and the whole
human race.
To me this was a precious document ; it was a patent
of gentility at once. It was a passport which, if not issued
by authority, had at least the visa of one witness to my
rank, and I was not the stuff to require many credentials.
Before we had decided on what day we should leave
Montreal, a kind of small mutiny began to show itself
among our party. The old man, grown sick of travelling,
and seeing the America of his hopes as far off as ever,
252 THE CONFESSIONS OF
became restive, and refused to move farther. The sons
had made acquaintances on board the steamer, who assured
them that 'about the lakes' — a very vague geography —
land was to be had for asking. Peggy and Susan had
picked up sweethearts, and wanted to journey westward ;
and poor Joe, pulled in these various directions, gave
himself up to a little interregnum of drink, hoping that
rum might decide what reason failed in.
I saw that my own influence would depend upon my
making myself a partisan ; and, too proud for this, I
determined to leave them. I possessed some thirty dollars,
— a good kit — but, better than either, the most unbounded
confidence in myself, and a firm conviction that the world
was an instrument I should learn to play upon one day or
other. There was no use in undeceiving them as to my
real rank and station. One of the pleasantest incidents
of their lives would be, in all probability, their having
travelled in companionship with a gentleman; and so,
remembering the story of the poor alderman who never
got over having learned that Robinson Crusoe was a
fiction, I left them this solace unalloyed ; and after a most
cordial leave-taking, and having written down my father's
address at New Orleans, I shook hands with the men twice
over, kissed the girls ditto, and stepped on board the
Kingston steamer, for no other reason that I know, except
that she was the first to leave the wharf that morning.
I have said that I possessed something like thirty
dollars ; an advantageous sale of a part of my wardrobe to
a young gentleman about to reside at Queenstown, as
a waiter, ' realised ' me as much more ; and with this sum
I resolved upon making a short tour of Canada and the
States, in order to pick up a few notions, and increase my
store of experiences, ere I adopted any fixed career.
We laugh at the old gentleman in the play, who on
hearing that his son has no want of money, immediately
offers him ten pistoles, but who obstinately leaves him to
starve when he discovers that he is without funds. We laugh
CON CREGAN 253
at this, and we deem it absurd and extravagant ; but it is
precisely what we see the world do in like circumstances.
All its generosity is reserved for all those who do not require
assistance — all its denials for those in need. 'My Lord'
refuses half-a-dozen dinners, while the poor devil author
only knows the tune of 'Roast Beef!' These reflections
forced themselves upon me by observing that as I travelled
along, apparently in no want of means, a hundred offers
were made me by my fellow-travellers of situations and
places : one would have enlisted me as his partner in a
very lucrative piece of peripateticism — viz., knife-grinding,
a vocation for which, after a few efforts on board the
steamer, Nature would seem to have destined me, for I
was assured I even picked up the sharp-knowing cock of
the eye required to examine the edge, and the style of
my pedal-action brought down rounds of applause ; still I
did not like it. The endless tramp upon a step, which
slipped from beneath you, seemed to emblematise a career
that led to nothing ; while an unpleasant association with
what I had heard of a treadmill completed my distaste
for it.
Another opened to me the more ambitious prospect of
a shopman at his ' store,' near Rochester, and even showed
me, by way of temptation, some of the brilliant wares over
whose fortunes I should preside. There were ginghams,
and taffetas, and cottons of every hue and pattern ; but
no, I felt this was not my walk either ; and so I muttered
to myself, ' No, Con ! if you meddle with muslin, wait till
it 's fashioned into a petticoat.'
My next proposition came from a barber ; and really
if I did not take to the pole and basin, I own I was
flattered at his praises of my skill. He pronounced my
brush-hand as something bold, and masterly as Rubens
— while my steel manipulation was more brilliant than
bloodless.
Then there was a Jew spectacle-maker — a hawker of
pamphlets — an Indian moccasin merchant — and twenty
254 THE CONFESSIONS OF
other of various walks ; all of whom seemed to opine that
their craft, whatever it might be, was exactly the very line
adapted to my faculties. Once only was I really tempted :
it was by the editor of the Kingston newspaper, The
Ontario Herald, who offered to take me into his office, and
in time induct me into the gentle pastime of paragraph
writing. I did, I own, feel a strong inclination for that
free and independent kind of criticism, which, although
issuing from a garret, and by the light of a ' dip,' does not
scruple to remind royalty how to comport itself, and gives
kings and kaisers smart lessons in good-breeding. For a
time my mind dwelt on all these delights with ardour ; but
I soon felt that he who acts life has an incomparable
advantage over him who merely writes it, and that even a
poor performer is better, when the world is his stage, than
the best critic.
I'll wait, thought I — nothing within, no suggestive
push from conscience urged me to follow any of these
roads; and so I journeyed away from Kingston to Fort
George, thence to Niagara, where I amused myself agree-
ably for a week, sitting all day long upon the Table Rock,
and watching the Falls in a dreamy kind of self-conscious-
ness, brought on by the din, the crash, the spray, the
floating surf, and that vibration of the air on every side —
which all conspire to make up a sensation that ever after
associates with the memory of that scene, and leaves any
effort to describe it so difficult.
From this I wandered into the States by Schenactady,
Utica, and Albany, down the Hudson to New York, thence
— but why recite mere names ? It was after about three
months' travelling, during which my wardrobe shared a
fate not dissimilar to iEsop's bread-basket, that I found
myself at New Orleans. Coming even from the varied
and strange panorama that so many weeks of continual
travelling present, I was struck by the appearance of New
Orleans. Do not be afraid, worthy reader! you're not
5 in ' for any description of localities. I '11 neither inflict
CON CREGAN 255
you with a land view nor a sea view. In my company
you'll never hear a word about the measurement of a
cathedral, or the number of feet in height of a steeple.
My care and my business are with men and women. They
are to me the real objects of travel. The chequered board
of human life is the map whose geography I love to
study, and my thoughts are far more with the stream
that flows from the heart than with the grandest river
that ever sought the sea. When I said I was struck with
New Orleans, it was, then, with the air of its population.
Never did I behold such a mass of bold, daring, reckless
fellows as swaggered on every side. The fiery French-
man, the determined-looking Yankee, the dark-browed
Spaniard, the Camanche and the half-caste, the Mulatto,
the Texan, the Negro, the Cuban, and the Creole, were all
here, and all seemed picked specimens of their race.
The least acute of observers could not fail to see that it
was a land where a quick eye, a steady foot, and a strong
hand were requisites of everyday life. The personal en-
counters, that in other cities are left altogether to the
very lowest class of inhabitants, were here in frequent
use among every grade and rank. Every one went armed ;
the scenes which so often occurred showed the precaution
a needful one.
The wide-awake look of the Yankee was sleepy indiffer-
ence when contrasted with the intense keenness of aspect
that met you here at every step, and you felt at once that
you were in company where all your faculties would be
few enough for self -protection. This, my first impression
of the people, each day's experience seemed to confirm.
Whatever little veils of shame and delicacy men throw
over their sharp practices elsewhere, here, I am free to
confess, they despised such hypocrisy. It was a free
trade in wickedness. In their game of life 'cheating
was fair.' Now this in nowise suited me nor my plans.
I soon saw that all the finer traits of my own astuteness
would be submerged in the great ocean of coarse roguery
256 THE CONFESSIONS OF
around me, and I soon resolved upon taking my de-
parture.
The how, and the where to ? — two very important
items in the resolve, were yet to be solved, and I was
trotting along Cliff Street one day, when my eyes rested
suddenly upon the great board with large letters on it,
' Office of the Picayune.' I repeated the word over and
over a couple of times, and then remembered it was the
journal in which the reward for the Black Boatswain had
been offered.
There was little enough, Heavens knows, in this to give
me any interest in the paper; but the total isolation in
which I found myself, without one to speak to, or converse
with, made me feel that even the Picayune was an
acquaintance; and so I drew near the window, where a
considerable number of persons were reading the last
number of the paper, which in a laudable spirit of
generosity was exposed within the glass to public gaze.
Mingling with these, but not near enough to read for
myself, I could hear the topics that were discussed ; among
which, a row at the Congress — a duel with revolvers — a
steam explosion on the Mississippi — and a few smart
instances of Lynch-law figured.
'What's that in the 'Yune print?' said a great raw-
boned fellow, with a cigar like a small walking-cane in the
corner of his mouth.
'It's a Texan go,' said another; 'shan't catch me at
that trick.'
'Well, I don't know,' drawled out a sleek-haired man,
with a considerable drawl ; ' I see Roarin' Peter, our judge
up at New Small-pox, take a tarnation deal of booty out of
that location.'
' Where had he been ? ' asked the tall fellow.
' At Guajuaqualla — over the frontier.'
' There is a bit to be done about there,' said the other ;
and wrapping his mantle about him, lounged off.
' Guajuaqualla ! ' repeated I ; and, retiring a little from
CON CREGAN 257
the crowd, I took from my pocket the little newspaper
paragraph of the negro, and read the name which had
sounded so familiarly to my ears.
I endeavoured once more to approach the window, but
the crowd had already increased considerably, and I had
nothing for it but to go in and buy the paper, which now
had taken a strong hold upon me.
Cheap as was the paper, it cost me that day's dinner ;
and it was with a very great anxiety to test the value
of my sacrifice that I hastened to the little miserable den
which I had hired as my sleeping-place.
Once within, I fastened the door, and spreading out
the journal on my bed, proceeded to, search for the Texan
paragraph. It was headed in capitals, and easily found.
It ran thus : ' Wanted a few downright, go-ahead ones,
to join an excursion into the One-Star Republic — the
object being to push away down south, and open a new
trade-line for home doings. iVpplicants to address the
office of the paper, and rally at Galveston, with rifle,
pistols, ammunition, horse, pack, and a bowie, on Tuesday,
the 8th instant.'
I'm sure I knew that paragraph off by heart before
bed-time ; but just as I have seen a stupid man commit a
proposition in Euclid to memory — without ever being able
to work it, I was totally at a loss what to make of the
meaning of the expedition. It was, to say the least,
somewhat mysterious ; and the whole being addressed
to 'go-ahead ones,' who "were to come with rifles and
bowie-knives, showed that they were not likely to be
missionaries. There was one wonderful clause about it ;
it smacked of adventure. There was a roving wildness
in the very thought which pleased me, and I straightway
opened a consultation with myself how I could compass
the object. My stock of money had dwindled down to
four dollars ; and although I still possessed some of the
best articles of my wardrobe, the greater portion had
been long since disposed of.
13 R
258 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
Alas ! the more I thought over it, the more hopeless did
my hope of the journey appear. I made every imaginable
good bargain in my fancy; I disposed of old waistcoats
and gaiters, as if they had been the honoured vestments
of heroes and sages ; I knocked down my shoes at prices
that old Frederick's boots wouldn't have fetched ; and yet
with all this, I fell far short of a sum sufficient to purchase
my equipment — in fact, I saw that if I compassed 'the
bowie-knife,' it would be the full extent of my powers.
I dwelt upon this theme so long that I grew fevered and
excited; I got to believe that here was a great career
opening before me, to which one petty, miserable obstacle
opposed itself. I was like a man deterred from undertaking
an immense journey by the trouble of crossing a rivulet.
In this frame of mind I went to bed, but only to rove
over my rude fancies, and, in a state between sleep and
waking, to imagine that some tiny hand held me back,
and prevented me ascending a path on which Fortune
kept waving her hand for me to follow. When day broke
I found myself sitting at my window, with the newspaper
in my hands — though how I came there, or how long I
had spent in that attitude, I cannot say — I only know that
my limbs were excessively cold, and my temples hot, and
that while my hands were benumbed and swollen, my
heart beat faster and fuller than I had ever felt it before.
' Now for the Picayune] said I, starting from my chair ;
' though I never may make the journey, at least I '11 ask
the road.'
©KsflTli-.OTll
THE ORDINARY OF ALL NATIONS
Making my way with difficulty through the crowd
which filled the hall of the house, and which consisted
of purchasers, newsvenders, reporters, printers' devils,
and others interested in the Picayune, all eagerly dis-
cussing the news of the day, I reached a small back office,
where, having knocked timidly twice, I was desired to
enter.
A man seated at a coarse deal table was cutting out
paragraphs from various newspapers, which, as he threw
them at either side of him, were eagerly caught up by
two or three ragged urchins who were in waiting behind
him. He looked up at me as I entered, and roughly asked
what I wanted.
'I have seen an advertisement in your paper, headed,
" Expedition to Texas " '
' Upstairs — No. 3 — two-pair back,' said he, and went on
with his labour.
260 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I hesitated, hoping he might add something ; but seeing
that he had said all he intended or was likely to say, I
slowly withdrew.
' Upstairs, then — No. 3 — two-pair back,' said I to myself,
and mounted, with the very vaguest notions of what
business I had when I got there. There was no difficulty
in finding the place — many others were hastening towards
it at the same time; and in company with some half-
dozen very ill-favoured and meanly clad fellows, I entered
a large room, where about forty men were assembled, who
stood in knots or groups, talking in low and confidential
tones together.
' Is there a committee to-day ? ' asked one of those who
came in with me.
' Business is over,' said another.
' And is the lottery drawn ? '
' Ay, every ticket, except one or two.'
' Who 's won Butcher's mare ? '
1 Tell us that, if you can,' said a huge fellow, with a red
worsted comforter round his throat ; ' that 's exactly what
we want to know.'
'Well, I'm whipped if it ain't among those numbers,'
said a pale man with one eye, ' and I '11 give fifty dollars
for one of 'em.'
' You would, would you ? ' said another, jeering. ' Lord,
how soft you 've grown ! Why, she 's worth five hundred
dollars, that 'ere beast ! '
1 Butcher gave a mustang and two hundred and seventy
for her,' cried another.
' Well, she broke his neck, for all that,' growled out he
of the red neckcloth ; ' you '11 see that some chap will win
her that don't want a beast, and she '11 be sold for a trifle.'
' And there 's a free passage to Galveston, grub and
liquor, in the same ticket,' said another ; ' an almighty
sight of luck for one man ! '
' It ain't me, anyhow,' said red cravat, and then with a
tremendous oath added, 'I've been a putter in at these
CON CREGAN 261
Texas lotteries for four years, and never won anything
but a blessed rosary.'
' What became of it, Dick ? ' said another, laughing.
'The beads fitted my rifle-bore, and I fired em away
when lead was scarce.'
Various discussions followed about luck and lotteries,
with anecdotes of all kinds respecting fortunate winners ;
then came stories of Texan expeditions in former times,
which I began to perceive were little else than specula-
tions of a gambling kind, rarely intended to go farther
than the quay of New Orleans.
On the present occasion, however, it would seem a real
expedition had been planned. Some had already sailed,
others were to follow the very day after the lottery, and
only waited to learn who was the fortunate winner of
Butcher's mare, at that time waiting at Galveston for an
owner.
I waited a long time, in hope of acquiring something
like an insight into the scope of the enterprise, but in
vain ; indeed, it was easy to see that, of the company,
not a single one, in all likelihood, intended to join the
expedition. When I left the Picayune, therefore, I was
but little wiser than when I entered it ; and yet somehow
the whole scheme had taken a fast hold on my imagina-
tion, which readily filled in the details of what I was
ignorant. The course of reading in which I had indulged
on board Sir Dudley's yacht was doubtless the reason of
this. My mind had laid up so many texts for adventurous
fancies, that on the slightest pretext I could call up any
quantity of enterprise and vicissitude.
A hundred times I asked myself if it were likely that
any of these Texan adventurers would accept of my
services to wait upon them. I was not ignorant of horses
— a tolerably fair groom ; could cook a little — that much I
had learned on board the yacht; besides, wherever my
qualifications failed, I had a ready-witted ingenuity that
supplied the place almost as well as the ' real article.'
262 THE CONFESSIONS OF
1 Ah ! ' thought I, ' who knows how many are passing
at this moment whose very hearts would leap with joy
to find such a fellow as I am, "accustomed to indoor
and out, wages no object, and no objection to travel!'"
Possessed with this notion, I could not help fancying that
in every look that met mine as I went I could read some-
thing like an inquiry —a searching glance that seemed to
say, 'Bless me! ain't that Con? as I live, there's Con
Cregan! What a rare piece of fortune to chance upon
him at this juncture ! '
I own it did require a vivid and warm imagination so
to interpret the expressions which met my eyes at every
moment, seeing that the part of the town into which I
had wandered was that adjoining to the docks — a filthy,
gloomy quarter, chiefly resorted to by Jew slop-sellers,
ship-chandlers, and such like, with here and there a
sailors' ordinary, usually kept by a negro or half-breed.
I had eaten nothing that day, and it was now late in
the afternoon, so that it was with a very strong interest
I peeped occasionally into the little dens, where, under a
paper lantern with the inscription, ' All for Twelve Cents,'
sat a company, usually of sailors and watermen, whose
fare harmonised most unpleasantly with their features.
The combat between a man's taste and his exchequer
is never less agreeable than when it concerns a dinner.
To feel that you have a soul for turtle and truffles, and
yet must descend to mashed potatoes and herrings — to
know that a palate capable of appreciating a salmi des
perdreaux must be condemned to the indignity of stock
fish — what an indignity is that ! The whole man revolts
at it! You feel, besides, that such a meal is unrelieved
by those suggestive excursions of fancy which a well-
served table abounds in. In the one case you eat like
the beast of the field — it is a question of supporting
nature, and no more; in the other, there is a poetry
interwoven that elevates and exalts. With what dis-
cursive freedom does the imagination range from the
CON CREGAN 263
little plate of oysters that preludes your soup, to pearl-
fishery and the coral reefs, 'with moonlight sleeping on
the breaking surf ! ' And then your soup, be it turtle or
mullagatawny, how associated is it with the West Indies
or the East, bearing on its aromatic vapour thousands of
speculative reflections about sugar and slavery, pepperpot,
straw hats, pickaninnies, and the Bishop of Barbadoes ;
or the still grander themes of elephants, emeralds, and the
Indus, with rajahs, tigers, punkahs, and the Punjab !
And so you proceed, dreamily following out in fancy
the hints each course supplies, and roving with your
cutlets to the 'cattle upon a thousand hills,' or dallying
with the dessert to the orange-groves of Zante or Sicily.
I do love all this. The bouquet of my Bordeaux brings
back the Rhone, as the dry muscat of my Johannisberg
pictures the vine-clad cliffs of the Vaterland — with a long
diminuendo train of thought about Metternich and the
Holy Alliance — the unlucky treaty of '15 — Vienna — Madame
Schrader— and Castelli.
And how pleasantly and nationally does one come back
with the port to our ' ancient ally Portugal,' with a mind-
painted panorama of Torres Vedras and the Douro — with
Black Horse Square and the Tagus — ' the Duke ' ever and
anon flitting across the scene, and making each glass you
carry to your lips a heartfelt ' long life to him ! '
Alas ! and alas ! such prandial delights were not for me ;
I must dine for twelve cents, or, by accepting the brilliant
entertainment announced yonder, price half-a-dollar, keep
Lent the rest of the week.
The temptation to which I allude ran thus : —
' Ladies and Gentlemen s Grand Ordinary of all Nations
At 5 o'clock precisely.
Thumbo-rig — Mint julep — and a Ball.
The "Half-dollar."
Monsieur Palamede de Rosanne directs the Ceremonies'
264 THE CONFESSIONS OF
If there was a small phrase in the aforesaid not perfectly
intelligible, it seemed upon the principle of the well-known
adage, only to heighten the inducement. The 'Thumbo-
rig' above might mean either a new potation or a new
dance. Still, conceding this unknown territory, there was
quite sufficient in the remainder of the advertisement
to prove a strong temptation. The house, too, had a
pretentious air about it that promised well. There was
a large bow-window, displaying a perfect landscape of
rounds and sirloins, with a tasteful drapery of sausages
overhead; while a fragrant odour of rum, onions, fresh
crabs, cheese, salt cod, and preserved ginger, made the
very air ambrosial.
As I stood and sniffed, my resolution staggering under
the assaults made on eye, nose, and palate, a very smartly
dressed female figure crossed the way, holding up her
dress full an inch or so higher than even the mud required,
and with a jaunty air displayed a pair of very pink
stockings on very well-turned legs. I believe — I'm not
sure, but I fear — the pink stockings completed what the
pickled beef began. I entered. Having paid my money
at the bar, and given up my hat and greatcoat, I was
ushered by a black waiter, dressed in a striped jacket
and trousers, as if he had been ruled with red ink, into
a large room, where a very numerous company of both
sexes were assembled — some seated, some standing, but
all talking away with buzz and confusion, that showed
perfect intimacy to be the order of the day. The men
it was easy to see were chiefly in the 'shipping interest.'
There was a strong majority of mates and small skippers,
whose varied tongues ranged from Spanish and Portuguese
to Dutch and Danish; French, English, and Russian were
also heard in the melee, showing that the Grand Ordinary
had a world-made repute. The ladies were mostly young,
very condescending in their manners, somewhat over-
dressed, and for the most part French.
As I knew no one, I waited patiently to be directed
CON CREGAN 265
where I should sit, and was at last shown to a place
between a very fat lady of Creole tint — another dip would
have made her black — and a little brisk man, whom I soon
heard was Monsieur Palamede himself.
The dinner was good; the conversation easiest of the
easy, taking in all, from matters commercial to social ;
the whole seasoned with the greatest good-humour, and
no small share of smartness. Personal adventures by
land and sea — many of the latter recounted by men who
made no scruple of confessing that they ' dealt in ebony '
— the slave-trade. Little incidents of life, that told much
for the candour of the recounter, were heard on all sides,
until at length I really felt ashamed of my own deficiency
in not having even contributed an anecdote for the benefit
of the company. This preyed upon me the more, as I saw
myself surrounded by persons who really, if their own
unimpeachable evidence was to be credited, began the
world in ways and shapes the most singular and un-
common. Not a man or woman of the party that had
not slipped into existence in some droll, quaint fashion
of their own, so that positively, and for the first time, I
really grew ashamed to think that I belonged to ' decent
people,' who had not compromised me in the slightest
degree. ' Voila ! un jeune homme qui ne dit pas un mot ! '
said a pretty-looking woman with fair brown hair, and
a very liquid pair of blue eyes. The speech was addressed
to me, and the whole table at once turned their glances
towards me.
'Ay, very true,' said a short, stout little skipper, with
an unmistakable slash from a cutlass across his nose.
'A sharp-looking fellow like that has a story if he will
only tell it.'
' And you may see,' cried another, ' that we are above
petty prejudices here ; roguery only lies heavy on the con-
science that conceals it.' The speaker was a tall, sallow
man, with singularly intelligent features ; he had been
a Jesuit tutor in the family of an Italian noble, and
266 THE CONFESSIONS OF
after consigning his patron to the Inquisition, had been
himself banished from Rome.
Pressing entreaties and rough commands, half -imperious
instances, and very seductive glances, all were directed
towards me, with the object of extorting some traits of
my life, and more particularly of that part of it which
concerned my birth and parentage. If the example of
the company invited the most unqualified candour, I
cannot say that it overcame certain scruples I felt about
revealing my humble origin. I was precisely in that
anomalous position in life when such avowals are most
painful. Without ambition, the confession had not cost
me any sacrifice ; while, on the other hand, I had not
attained that eminence which has a proud boastfulness
in saying, 'Yes, I, such as you see me now — great, titled,
wealthy, and powerful — I was the son of a newsvender
or a lamplighter.' Such avowals, highly lauded as they
are by the world, especially when made by archbishops
or chancellors, or other great folk, at public dinners, are,
to my thinking, about as vainglorious bits of poor human
nature as the most cynical could wish to witness. They
are the mere victories of vanity over self-esteem. Now,
I had no objection that the world should think me a
young gentleman of the very easiest notions of right
and wrong, with a conscience as elastic as gutta-percha,
picking my way across life's stream on the stepping-stones
made by other men's skulls — being, as the phrase has it,
a very loose fish indeed ; but I insisted on their believing
that I was well-born. Every one has his weakness — this
was Con Cregan's ; and as these isolated fissures in strong
character are nearly allied with strength, so was it with
me; had I not had this frailty I had never cherished so
intensely the passion to become a gentleman. This is all
digressionary ; but I '11 not ask pardon of my dear reader
for all that. If he be reading in his snug well-cushioned
chair, with every appliance of ease about him, he'll not
throw down these Confessions for a bit of prosing that
CON CREGAN 267
invites the sleep that is already hovering round him. If
he has taken me up in the few minutes before dinner,
he'll not regret the bit of meditation which does not
involve him in a story. If he be spelling me out in a
mail-train, he'll be grateful for the 'skipping' place,
which leaves him time to look out and see the ingenious
preparations that are making by the ' down ' or the ' up '
train to run into and smash the unhappy convoy of
which he forms a part.
' Come, my young lad, out with it. Let us hear a bit
about the worthy people who took the sin of launching
you into the wide ocean. You must have had owners one
time or other.' This was said by a hearty - looking old
man, with hair white as snow, and an enormous pair of
eyebrows to match.
'Willingly, sir,' said I, with an air of the easiest con-
fidence ; ' I should be but too proud if anything in a history
humble as mine is could amuse this honourable company.
But the truth is, a life so devoid of interest would be only
a tax upon its patience to listen to ; and, as to my birth, I
can give little — indeed no information. The earliest record
of my existence that I possess is from the age of two days
and three hours.'
' That will do — do admirably ! ' chorused the party,
who laughed heartily at the gravity with which I spoke,
and which to them seemed an earnest of my extreme
simplicity. 'We shall be quite satisfied with that,' cried
they again.
' Well, then, gentlemen, thanking you for the indulgence
with which you consent to overlook my want of accuracy,
I proceed. At the tender age I have mentioned I was won
in a raffle ! '
' Won in a raffle ! won in a raffle ! ' screamed one after
the other, and amid shouts of laughter the phrase continued
to be echoed from end to end of the table. 'That beats
you hollow, Giles ! ' ' By Jove, how scarce babies must be
in the part you come from, if people take tickets for 'em ! '
268 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Such were some of the commentaries that broke out amidst
the mirth.
' I move,' said a dapper little Frenchman, who had been
a barber and a National Guard once, 'I move that the
honourable deputy make a statement to the Chamber
respecting the interesting fact to which he has alluded.'
The motion was carried by acclamation, and I was
accordingly induced to ascend the tribune, a kind of rude
pulpit that was brought specially into the room, and
stationed at the side of the president's chair, the com-
ments on my personal appearance, age, air, and probable
rank, which were made all the while, evidencing the most
candid spirit one can well imagine.
'A right-down slick and shrewd 'un, darn me if he
ain't!'
'A very wide-awake young gemman,' quoth number
two.
'II a de "beaux yeux," celui-la' — this was a lady's
remark.
' Set that young 'un among the girls " down east," and
he '11 mow 'em down like grass.'
' A Londoner — swell-mobbish a bit, I take it.'
' Not at all, he an't ; he 's a bank clerk or a post-office
fellow, bolted with a lot of tin.'
' Der ist ein echter Schelm,' growled out an old Dantzic
skipper, ' I kenn him vehr wohl ; steal your wash wid a
leetle scheer — scissars you call him, ha ! ha ! '
'Ladies and gentlemen,' said I, assuming a pose of
the most dignified importance, ' before entering upon the
circumstance to which you have so graciously attached
a little interest, let me assure you — not that the fact can
or ought to have any weight with this distinguished
company — that I have no claim upon your sympathy with
regard to any of the pleas whispered around me. I am
neither thief, pickpocket, runaway postman, burglar, nor
highwayman. If I be, as you are pleased to say, "wide
awake," I believe it is only a common precaution, con-
-j?
CON CREGAN 269
sidering the company I find myself in; and if I really
could lay claim to the flattering praise of a fair lady on
the left, it would be merely from accidentally reflecting
her own bright glances. I present myself, then, with
much diffidence before you, for the simple reason that I
come in a character somewhat strange in these parts — I
am a gentleman ! '
The ineffable impertinence of this address succeeded
to a miracle. Some laughed — some applauded — a few
muttered an unintelligible discontent ; but the majority
of the men and all the women were with me, and I saw
that audacity had gained the day. Ay, and so will it
ninety-nine times out of the hundred in everything
through life ! The strategic axiom, that no fortress is
impregnable, is a valuable worldly lesson, and one ought
never to forget that a storming party rarely fails.
'The circumstance to which I alluded a few minutes
back — I dare not presume to call it a story — occurred thus :
'There was a large and brilliant party assembled to
pass the Christmas at the Duke of Y— — 's ; you will under-
stand my reserve. The company included many of the
first persons in fashionable life, and a royal duke to boot,
a great friend of her grace, and some said an old admirer
of one of her sisters, who — so went the rumour — showed
the strength of her attachment to his Royal Highness
by never having accepted any of the brilliant offers of
marriage made her. She was remarkably beautiful, and
although a little past the first bloom of youth, in full
possession of her charms at the time I speak of. Old Lord
E — — was one of the guests ; and I am sure many of the
distinguished company to whom I now address myself
will not need any more particular description of the man
they must have met a hundred times every London season,
well known, indeed, as he is, with his light blue coat and
his buckskin tights, his wide beaver hat and his queue ;
his eccentricities, his wealth, and his great avarice are
themes all London is acquainted with.' I paused.
270 THE CONFESSIONS OF
A buzz of acknowledgment and recognition followed,
and I resumed :
' Lord E , you are aware, was a great musical
amateur; he was the leader of everything of that kind
about town ; and whenever he could prevail upon himself
to open his house in Carlton Terrace, it was always to
Lablache, and Rubini, and Marini, and the rest of them.
Well, it was just at the period of this Christmas visit —
over which I may remark, en passant, Lady Blanche's
indisposition cast a shade of gloom — that in making some
alteration in the mansion, they discovered in a concealed
press in the wall a mahogany case, on opening which were
found the moth-and-worm-eaten remains of a violin. A
parchment document, inclosed in a little scroll of brass,
and which had escaped the ravages of time, explained
that this was the instrument of the celebrated Giacomo
Battesta Pizzichetoni, the greatest violinist that ever
lived — the composer of H Diavolo e la sua Moglie,
and the Balla di Paradiso, and many other great works,
with which you are all familiar.'
The company chorused assent, and I continued : ' The
party had somehow not gone off well — the accustomed
spirit and animation of the scene were wanting. Perhaps
Lady Blanche's illness had some share in this ; in any case,
every one seemed low and out of sorts, and the pleasant
people talked of taking leave, when his Royal Highness
proposed, by way of doing something, that they should
have a raffle for this wonderful fiddle, of which, though
only seen by the host and another, every one was
talking.
'Even this much of stir was hailed with enthusiasm,
the secrecy and mystery increasing the interest to a high
degree. The tickets were two guineas each ; and Lord
E , dying to possess " a real Pizzichetoni," took twenty
of them. The number was limited to a hundred, but such
was the judicious management of those who directed the
proceedings, that the shares were at a " high premium " on
mm*
pa
%
3,
Piz ziclietom's wonderful fiddle.
CON CREGAN 271
the day of drawing, his Royal Highness actually buying
up several at five guineas apiece. The excitement, too,
was immense ; encyclopaedias were ransacked for histories
of the violin and its great professors and proficients. The
Conversations Lexicon opened of itself at the letter P.,
and Pizzichetoni's name turned up in every corner and on
every theme fifty times a day. What a time I have heard
that was ! nothing talked of but bow-action, shifting,
bridging, double fingering, and the like, from morning to
night. Lord E became, in consequence of this run
about a favourite subject, a personage of more than
ordinary importance; instead of being deemed, what he
was commonly called at the clubs, the Great " Borassus,"
he was listened to with interest and attention; and, in
fact, from the extent of his knowledge of the subject, and
his acquaintance with every detail of its history, each felt
that to his lordship ought by right to fall the fortunate
ticket.
' So did it, in fact, turn out. After much vacillation,
with the last two numbers remained the final decision.
One belonged to the royal duke, the other to Lord E .
"You shall have a hundred guineas for your chance,
E ," said the duke, " what say you ? "
' " Your Royal Highness's wish is a command," said he,
bowing and blushing ; " but were it otherwise, and to any
other than your Royal Highness, I should as certainly say
nay."
' " Then ' nay ' must be the answer to me also ; I cannot
accept of such a sacrifice. And, after all, you are much
more worthy of such a treasure than I am — I really only
meant it for a present to Mori."
' " A present, your Royal Highness ! " cried he, horrified ;
"I wouldn't give such a jewel to anything short of St.
Cecilia — the violin, you are aware, was her instrument."
' " Now, then, for our fortunes ! " cried the duke, as he
drew forth his ticket ; " I believe I 'm the lucky one — this
is number 2000."
272 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' " Two thousand and one ! " exclaimed Lord E , hold-
ing up his, and in an ecstasy of triumph sat down to
recover himself.
'"Here is the key, my lord," said one of the party,
advancing towards him.
' He sprang up, and thrust it into the lock ; in his
agitation he shook the box, and a slight soft cadence, like
a faint cry, was heard.
' " The soul of music hovers o'er it still ! " he exclaimed
theatrically, and flinging back the lid discovered — Me!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in a very smart white robe,
with very tasty embroidery, and a lace cap, which I am
assured was pure Valenciennes, there I lay! I am not
aware whether my infantine movements were peculiarly
seductive or not ; but I have been told that I went through
my gamut at a key that even overtopped the laughter
around me.
' " A very bad jest — a mauvaise plaisanterie of the worst
taste, I must say," said Lord E , turning away and
leaving the room.
' I never rightly knew how the matter was afterwards
made up, but certainly it was by his lordship's directions,
and at his charge, that I was nursed, reared, and educated.
My expenses at Eton and Oxford, as well as the cost of
my commission, came from him ; and it was only a few
days ago, on learning his death, that I also learned the
termination of my good fortune in life. He bequeathed
me what he styled my " family mansion " — the fiddle-case,
thus repaying by this cruel jest the practical joke passed
upon himself so many years before.'
' What name did they give you, sir ? '
'I was called after the celebrated violinist of Cre-
mona, who lived in the seventh century, who was named
Cornelius Crejanus, or, as some spell, Creganus; and, in
compliance with modern usages, they anglicised me into
Con Cregan.'
'I have the honour to propose Con Cregan's health,'
CON CREGAN 273
said the president ; • and may he see many happy years
ere he next goes to sleep in a wooden box ! '
This very gratifying toast was drunk with the most
flattering acclamations, and I descended from the tribune
the ' man of the evening.'
If some of the company who put credence in my story
did not hesitate to ascribe a strong interest in me to
the royal duke himself, others, who put less faith in my
narrative, thought less of my parentage and more of my-
self, so that what I lost on one hand I gained on the other.
There was a discretion, a certain shadowy prudery
about certain portions of my story, of which I have not
attempted to convey any notion here, but which I saw had
■ told ' with the fair part of my audience, who, possibly not
over rigid in many of their opinions, were well pleased
with the delicate reserve in which I shrouded my direct
allusion to my parentage. A rough, red- whiskered skipper,
indeed, seemed disposed to pour a broadside into this
mystery, by asking, • If his Royal Highness never took any
notice of me ? ' but the refined taste of the company con-
curred in the diplomatic refusal to answer a question of
which the ' hon. gentleman on the straw chair ' had given
' no notice.'
The pleasures of the table — a very luscious bowl of the
liquid which bore the mysterious epithet of ' Thumbo-rig,'
and which was a concoction of the genus punch, spiced,
sugared, and iced to a degree that concealed its awful
tendency to anti-Mathewism — bright eyes that were no
churls of their glances — merry converse, and that wondrous
'magnetism of the board,' which we call good-fellowship
— made the time pass rapidly. Toasts and sentiments of
every fashion went round, and we were political, liter-
ary, arbitrary, amatory, sentimental, and satiric by turns.
They were pleasant varlets ! and in their very diversity of
humours there was that clash and collision of mind and
metal that tell more effectively than the choicest party of
wits who ever sat and watched each other.
13 s
274 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Then, there was a jolly jumbling up of bad English, bad
Dutch, bad French, Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese, that
would drive a sober listener clean mad. Stories begun in
one tongue merged into another, and so into a third,
while explanations, mistakes, and corrections ran along-
side of the narrative, often far more amusing than the
story to which they were attached. Personalities, too,
abounded, but with a most unqualified good temper ; and
on the whole I never beheld a merrier set.
M. Palamede alone did not relish the scene. He him-
self was nobody at such a moment, and he longed for the
ball-room and the dance ; and it was only after repeated
summonses of his bell that we at last arose and entered
the saloon, where we found him standing, fiddle in hand,
while, rapping smartly a couple of times with his bow, he
called out —
' Places ! places ! Monsieur le Due de Gubbins, to your
place. Ladies, I beg attention. Madame la Marquise, dans
la bonne societe on ne donne jamais un soufiiet.'
' Ah, here 's old Rosin again ! ' cried several of the party,
who, with all this familiarity, appeared to view him with
no small respect.
' Shall I find you a partner, Monsieur de Congreganne ? '
said he to me.
1 Thanks,' said I ; ' but, with your permission, 1 11 not
dance just yet.'
' As you please ; it is but a contre-danse,' said he, shrugg-
ing his shoulders, while he moved away to arrange the
figures.
I had not perceived before that a kind of orchestra,
consisting of two fiddles, a flute, and a tambourine, was
stationed in a long gallery over the door by which we
entered, Monsieur Palamede being, however, director,
not alone of the music, but of the entire entertainment.
The band now struck up a well-known English country-
dance, and away went the couples, flying down the
room to the merry measure, Monsieur de Rosanne
CON CREGAN 275
arranging the figures, beating the time, preserving order,
and restraining irregularities with the energy of one
possessed.
'Ah, Monsieur le Captaine de Cocks, e'en est trop.
Mademoiselle de Spicer, pas si haut ! de arms graceful !
Ladies, no keep your hands under your — what ye call him
— jupe — apron — ha! ha! Black man — negro — no talk so
loud when you make punch ! '
' Chassez — balancez ! La grace ! Madame la Marquise,
la grace!' Then, as he passed me, he muttered with a
voice guttural from anger, ' Quel supplice ! '
As I continued to gaze on the scene, I could not help
being struck with the extreme diversity of look and
expression ; for while there were some faces on which
iniquity had laid its indelible stamp, there were others
singularly pleasing, and some actually beautiful. Among
the men, the same character prevailed throughout — a rude,
coarse good-humour — the sailor-type everywhere ; but a
few seemed persons of a higher class, and on these a life
of vice and debauchery had produced the most marked
change, and you could still see, amid the traces of nights
of riot and abandonment, the remnant of finer features,
the expression they had worn before their ' fall.' If I was
surprised at the good looks of many of the women, still
more was I by a gracefulness of carriage and an air of
deportment that seemed as much out of place as they
were unsuited to such companionship. One young fellow
appeared to be a general favourite with the company.
He was tall, well-made, and had that indescribably rakish
character about his very gesture that is rarely a bad
indication of the possessor's mode of life. I had no
difficulty in learning his name, for every one called him
by it at each instant, and ' Fred Falkoner ' was heard on
all sides. It was he who selected the music for the dance ;
his partner, for the time being, was the belle of the room,
and he lounged about supreme. Nor was his title a bad
one — he was the great entertainer of the whole assembly.
276 THE CONFESSIONS OF
The refreshments were almost entirely of his ordering, and
the clink of his dollars might be heard keeping merry time
with the strains of the violins. I watched him with some
interest — I thought I could see that, in descending to
such companionship, there was a secret combat between
his self-respect and a strange passion for seeing life in low
places, which, when added to the flattery such a man
invariably obtains from his inferiors, is a dangerous and
subtle temptation. The more I studied him the stronger
grew this conviction ; nay, at times the expression of scorn
upon his handsome features was legible even to the least
remarking. It was while I still continued to watch him
that he passed me, with a dark Spanish-looking girl upon
his arm, when he turned round suddenly, and staring at me
fixedly a few seconds, said, ' We met once before to-day ! '
' I am not aware of it,' said I doubtingly.
'Yes, yes. I never forget a face, least of all when it
resembles yours. I saw you this morning at the Picayune.'
' True ; I was there.'
'What a precious set of rascals those fellows were.
You supposed that they were going to join the expedition.
Not a bit of it. Some were gamblers — the greater number
thieves and pickpockets. I know them all ; and, indeed, I
was going to warn you about them, for I saw you were a
stranger, but I lost sight of you in the crowd. But there 's
the music. Will you have a partner ? '
'With all my heart,' said I, glad to encourage our
further acquaintance.
' You speak Spanish ? '
' Not a word.'
'Well, no matter. If you did, you should have mine
here. But what say you to Mademoiselle Heloise, yonder ?
— a bit faded or so ; but I remember her second " Ballarina "
at the Havannah, only two years back.'
I made the suitable acknowledgment; and the next
moment saw me whirling away in a waltz, at least in
such an approximation to that measure as my Quebec
CON CREGAN 277
experience suggested, with a very highly rouged and black-
eyebrowed danseuse. My French was better than my
dancing, and so Mademoiselle Heloise was satisfied to
accept my arm, while we paraded the room, discussing
the company after the most approved fashion.
The French have a proverb, ' Bete comme une danseuse,'
and I must say that my fair friend did not prove an excep-
tion. Her whole idea of life was limited to what takes
place in rehearsal of a morning, or on the night of repre-
sentation. She recounted to me her history from the time
she had been a ' Rat ' — such is the technical at the Grand
Opera of Paris — flying through the air on a wire, or sitting
perilously perched upon a pasteboard cloud. Thence she
had advanced to the state of Fairy Queen, or some winged
messenger of those celestials who wear muslin trousers
with gold stars, and always stand in the 'fifth position.'
Passing through the grade of Swiss peasant, Turkish slave,
and Neapolitan market-girl, she had at last arrived at the
legitimate drama of 'legs,' yclept ballet d 'action; and
although neither her beauty nor abilities had been suffi-
cient to achieve celebrity in Paris, she was accounted a
Taglioni in the ' provinces,' and deemed worthy of exporta-
tion to the colonies.
' Non contigit quique adire Corinthiam ! ' we cannot all
have our loges at the Grand Opera, and happy for us
it is so, or what would become of the pleasure we derive
from third, fourth, and fifth-rate performances elsewhere.
True, indeed, if truffles were a necessary of life, there
would be a vast amount of inconvenience and suffering.
Now Mademoiselle Heloise, whose pirouettes were no more
minded in Paris nor singled out for peculiar favour than
one of the lamps in the row of footlights, was a kind of
small idol in the Havannah. She had the good fortune to
live in an age when the heels take precedence of the head,
and she shared in the enthusiasm by which certain people
in our day would bring back the heathen mythology for
the benefit of the corps de ballet.
278 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Alas for fame ! in the very climax of her glory she
grew fat! Now flesh to a danseuse is like cowardice to
a soldier, or shame to a lawyer — it is the irreconcilable
quality. The gauzy natures who float to soft music must
not sup. Every cutlet costs an entrechat I Hard and
terrible condition of existence, and proving how difficult
and self-denying a thing it is to be an angel, even in this
world !
So much for Mademoiselle Heloise ; and if the reader be
weary of her, so was I.
'You'll have to treat her to a supper,' whispered
Falkoner, as he passed me.
'I've not a cent in my purse,' said I, thinking it
better to tell the truth than to incur the reproach of
stinginess.
' Never mind — take mine,' said he, as he dropped a very
weighty purse into my coat-pocket, and moved away
before I could make any answer.
Perhaps the greatest flattery an individual can receive
is to win some acknowledgment of confidence from an utter
stranger. To know that by the chance intercourse of a
few minutes you have so impressed another, who never
saw you before, that he is impelled at once to befriend
you, your self-esteem so pleasantly gratified immedi-
ately reacts upon the cause, and you are at a loss whether
most to applaud your own good gifts, or the ready-witted-
ness of him who appreciated them so instantaneously.
I was still hesitating, revolving, doubtless, the pleasant
sense of flattery aforesaid, when Falkoner came flying past
with his partner. ' Order supper for four,' cried he, as he
whizzed by.
' What does he say, mon cher comte ? ' said my partner.
I translated the command, and found that the notion
pleased her vastly.
The dining-room by this time had been metamorphosed
into a kind of coffee-room, with small supper-tables, at
which parties were already assembling ; and here we now
CON CREGAN 279
took our places, to con over the bill of fare, and discuss
scolloped oysters, cold lobster, devilled haddock, and other
like delicacies.
Falkoner soon joined us, and we sat down, the merriest
knot in the room. I must have been brilliant ! I feel it so
this hour ; a kind of warm glow rushes to my cheeks as I
think over that evening, and how the guests from the
different parts of the room grew gradually nearer and
nearer to listen to the converse at our table, and hear the
smart things that came pattering down like hail ! What
pressing invitations came pouring in upon me ! The great
Mastodon himself could not have eaten a tithe of the
breakfasts to which I was asked, nor would the grog-tub
of a seventy-four contain all the rum-and-water I was
proffered by skippers lying ' in dock.'
Falkoner, however, pleased me more than the rest.
There was something in his cordiality that did not seem
like a passing fancy; and I could not help feeling that
however corrupted and run to waste by dissipation, there
was good stuff about him. He interested me, too, on
another score; he had formerly made one of a Texan
excursion that had penetrated even to the Rio del Norte,
and his escapes and adventures amused me highly. The
ladies, I believe, at last found us very ungallant cavaliers,
for they arose and left us talking over prairie life and the
wild habits of the chase, till day began to shine through
the windows.
'The Christobal sails to-morrow,' said he, 'for Gal-
veston ; but even she, smart sailer that she is, will scarce
arrive in time to catch these fellows. Here we are at the
fifth of the month ; the eighth was to be the start ; then,
that, supposing you to reach Galveston by the seventh,
gives you no time to get your kit ready, look after arms,
and buy a nag. What say you, then, if we make a party
of our own ? — charter one of these small craft — a hundred
dollars or so will do it. We can then take our time to pick
up good cattle, look out for a couple of mules for our
280 THE CONFESSIONS OF
baggage, and a spare mustang or so, if a horse should
knock up.'
I concurred at once; the plan was fascination itself.
Adventure, liberty, novelty, enterprise, and a dash of
danger to heighten all. Falkoner talked of dollars as if
they macadamised the road to St. Louis ; and I, glowing
with punch and pride together, spoke of the expense as
a mere trifle. To this hour I cannot say whether I had
really mystified myself into the notion that I possessed
ample means, or was merely indulging the passing pleasure
of a delightful vision. So was it, however; I smiled at
the cheapness of everything, could scarcely fancy such a
thing as a Mexican pony for eighty dollars, and laughed
actually laughed, at the price of the rifle, when all my
worldly substance at the moment would not have pur-
chased copper caps for it.
'Don't go too expensively to work, Cregan,' cried he;
' and, above all, bring no European servant. A Mexican
fellow — or, better still, a half-breed — is the thing for the
prairies. You have to forget your Old- World habits, and
rough it.'
' So I can,' said I, laughing good-humouredly ; ' I 'm
in a capital mind for a bit of sharp work too. Just
before I left the 90th we made a forced march from St.
John's, through the forest country, and I feel up to any-
thing.'
' You 11 not like the cattle at first, I 'm afraid,' said he ;
• they have that racking action the Yankees are fond of.
There is a capital mare at Galveston, if we could get her.
These fellows will snap her up most likely.'
' Butcher's mare,' said I, hazarding a guess.
'Ah! you've been looking after her already,' said he,
surprised. 'Well, to tell you the truth, that was one of
my objects in coming here to-night. I heard that some of
these skipper fellows had got the winning ticket ; I paid
twenty dollars to the office-clerk to see the number, and
determined to buy it up. Here it is. Can you read these
CON CREGAN 281
figures? for, hang me, if the punch, or the heat, or the
dancing has not made me quite dizzy.'
' Let me see ; Number 438,' said I, repeating it a couple
of times over.
' Yes, that is it. If I could have chanced on it, I 'd have
run down to-morrow by the Christobal. She lies about a
mile out, and will weigh with the ebb at eight o'clock.
That mare — she killed Butcher by a down leap over a rock,
but never scratched herself — is worth at least a thousand
dollars.'
'I offered eight hundred for her on mere character,'
said I, sitting back and sipping my liquid with a most pro-
found quietude.
Falkoner was evidently surprised with this announce-
ment, but more so from the rakish indifference it
betrayed about money than as bespeaking me rich and
affluent.
And thus we chatted away, till the black waiter made
his appearance to open the windows and prepare for the
work of the day.
' Where are you stopping ? ' said Falkoner, as we arose
from the table.
' At " Condor House," ' said I, boldly giving the name of
a very flash hotel. ' But it 's too noisy ; I don't like it.'
' Nor do I. It 's confoundedly expensive too. I wish
you would come to Herrick's ; it is not quite so stylish
perhaps, but I think the cookery is better, and you'd
not pay five dollars a bottle for Madeira, and eight for
Champagne.'
' That is smart,' said I. ' They 've not let me have my
bill yet, but I fancied they were costly folk.'
' Well, come and dine with me at Herrick's to-morrow
and decide for yourself.'
' Why not try the " Condor " with me ? ' said I.
' Another day, with all my heart, but I have a friend to-
morrow, so come and meet him at six o'clock.'
I agreed; and then we chatted on about London and
282 THE CONFESSIONS OF
town folks, in a way that, even with all I had drunk,
amazed me for the cool impudence in which I indulged.
' You knew De Courcy, of course,' said he, after a long
run of mutual friends had been disposed of.
'Jack?' cried I — 'Jack De Courcy of the Coldstreams
—yes, I think I did. Jack and I were like brothers. The
last steeplechase I rode in Ireland was for poor Jack De
Courcy — a little chestnut mare with a good deal of the
Arab about her.'
' I remember her well — an active devil, but she couldn't
go for more than half a mile.'
' Well, I managed to screw a race out of her.'
' You must tell me all about that to-morrow, for I find
my unfortunate head is like a bell with the vibration of
the last stroke of the hammer on it. Don't forget, to-
morrow, sharp six. You '11 meet nobody but Broughton,'
' Dudley — Sir Dudley Broughton ? '
' The same. You know him, then, already ? Poor fellow !
he 's terribly cut up ; but he '11 be glad to see an old friend.
Have you been much together ? '
' A great deal. I made a cruise with him in his yacht,
the Firefly.'
' What a rare piece of fortune to have met you ! ' cried
Falkoner, as he shook my hand once more. And so, with
the most fervent assurances of meeting on the morrow, we
parted, he to saunter slowly towards his hotel, and I to
stand in the middle of the street, and, as I wiped the
perspiration from my brow, to ask myself, had I gone
clean mad.
I was so overwhelmed by the shock of my own im-
pudence that I stood where Falkoner left me for full five
minutes, motionless and spell-bound. To have boasted of
my intimacy with Captain De Courcy, although the
Atlantic rolled between us, was bad enough in all con-
science; but to have talked of Sir Dudley — the haughty,
insolent, overbearing Sir Dudley Broughton — as 'my old
friend,' was something that actually appalled me. How
CON CREGAN 283
could my vain boastfulness have so far got the better of
my natural keenness? how could my silly self-sufficiency
have carried me so far ? ' Ah ? ' thought I, ' it was not the
real Con Cregan who spoke such ineffable folly: these
were the outpourings of that diabolical "Thumbo-rig."'
While, therefore, I entered into a bond with myself to
eschew that insidious compound in future, I also adopted
the far more imminent and important resolve, to run
away from New Orleans. Another sun must not set upon
me in that city, come what might. With a shudder I
called to mind Sir Dudley's own avowal of his passion as
a hater, and I could not venture to confront such danger.
I accordingly hastened to my miserable lodging, and
packing up my few clothes, now reduced to the compass
of a bundle in a handkerchief, I paid my bill, and on a
minute calculation of various pieces of strange coinage,
found myself the possessor of four dollars and a quarter
— a small sum, and something less than a cent for every
ten miles I was removed from my native land. What
meant the term 'country,' after all, to such as me?
He has a country who possesses property in it — whose
interests tie him to the soil, where his name is known,
and his presence recognised ; but what country belongs to
him where no resting-place is found for his weary feet —
whose home is an inn, whose friends are the fellow-
travellers with whom he has journeyed? The ties of
country, like those of kindred, are superstitions — high
and holy ones sometimes, but still superstitions. Believe
in them, if you can, and so much the better for you ; but
in some hour the conviction will come that man is of
every land.
Thus pondering, I trudged along at a smart pace,
my bundle on a stick over my shoulder, never noticing
the road, and only following the way because it seemed to
lead out of the city. It was a gorgeous morning ; the sun
glittered on the bright roofs, and lit up the gay terraces of
the houses, where creepers of every tint and foliage were
284 THE CONFESSIONS OF
tastefully entwined and festooned, as these people knew
so well to dispose. Servants were opening windows, dis-
playing handsomely furnished rooms, replete with every
luxury, as I passed ; busy housemaids were brushing, and
sweeping, and polishing ; and shining niggers were beating
carpets and shaking hearth-rugs, while others were raking
the gravel before the doors, or watering the rich magnolias
and cactuses that stood sentinel beneath the windows.
Carriages, too, were being washed, and high-bred horses
standing out to be groomed — all signs of wealth, and of
the luxuries of the rich men, whose close-drawn curtains
portended sleep. 'Ay,' thought I, 'there are hundreds
here whose weightiest evil would be that they awoke an
hour earlier than their wont — that their favourite Arab
had stood on a sharp stone — that some rude branch had
scratched the rich varnish on their chariot ; while I
wander along, alone and friendless, my worldly substance
a few dollars.' This disparity of condition of course
occurs to the mind of every poor man, but it only is a
canker to him who has had a glimpse, be it ever so
fleeting, of a life of luxury and ease. For this reason, the
servant-class will always be a great source of danger to
our present social condition: seeing the weakness, the
folly, and sometimes the worse than folly of those they
serve — viewing, from a near point, the interior lives of
those who, seen from afar, are reckoned great and
illustrious, they loose the prestige of respect for the dis-
tinguishing qualities of station, and only yield it to the
outward symbols — the wealth and riches. What socialists
are our butlers? what democrats our footmen! what
red republicans are our cooks ! what a leveller is the
gardener! For all your 'yellow plush,' you are sans-
culottes, every man of you.
Now, I deem it a high testimony to my powers of
judgment that I never entertained these views. On the
contrary, I always upheld the doctrine, that society, like
a broken thigh-bone, did best on an ' inclined plane ' ; and
CON CREGAN 285
I repudiated equality with the scorn a man six feet high
would feel were he told that the human standard was to
be four and a half. The only grudge I did feel towards
the fortunate man of wealth was, that I should lose so
many brilliant years of life in acquiring — for acquire it I
would — what I would far rather employ in dispensing. A
guinea at twenty is worth a hundred at thirty, a thousand
at forty, a million at sixty — that's the geometrical mean
of life. Glorious youth ! that only needs ' debentures ' to
be divine !
My head became clearer and my brain more unclouded
as I walked along in the free air of the morning, and I
felt that with a cigar I should both compose my vagrant
fancies and cheat myself out of the necessity of a break-
fast. Excellent weed ! that can make dulness imaginative
and imagination plodding ; that renders stupid men com-
panionable to clever ones, and gives a meek air of thought
to the very flattest insipidity !
I searched my pocket for the little case that contained
my Manillas, but in vain; I tried another — like result.
How was it ? I always carried it in my greatcoat ; had I
been robbed ? I could not help laughing at the thought,
it sounded so ineffably comic. I essayed again, alas ! with
no better success. Could I have placed it in the breast-
pocket? What! there is no breast-pocket! How is this,
Con ? has Thumbo-rig its influence over you yet ? I
passed my hand across my brow, and tried to remember
if the breast-pocket had only been a tradition of another
coat, or what had become of it. Pockets do not close from
being empty, like county banks, nor do they dry up, like
wells, from disuse.
' No, no ; there certainly was once one here.' As I said
this, what was my amazement to find that the pocket for
which I had been searching had changed sides, and gone
from left to right ! ' Oh, this is too bad ! ' thought I ; ' with
a little more punch, I could have fancied that I had put
my coat on wrong-sided. Here is a mystery ! ' said I, • and
286 THE CONFESSIONS OF
now, to solve it patiently ' ; and so I sat me down by the
wayside, and laying my bundle on the ground, began to
reflect.
Reflection, I soon found, was of no use. Habit — the
instinct of custom— showed me that my pocket had always
been to the left ; my right hand sought the spot with an
almost mechanical impulse, whereas my left wandered
about like a man in search of his newly taken lodging.
As I came to this puzzling fact, my fingers, deeply im-
mersed in the pocket, came in contact with a small leather
case. I drew it forth ; it was not mine — I had never seen
it before! I opened it; there was nothing within but a
small piece of card, with the words, ' Full Share Ticket,' on
top, and, underneath, the figures ' 438.'
From the card my eyes reverted to the coat itself ; and
now I saw, with a surprise I cannot convey, that it was
not my own coat but another man's I was wearing. The
negro at the ordinary had assisted me to put it on. It
was the only one, indeed, remaining as I came away, and
some other had carried off mine. So far, it was a fair
exchange, of which I was not in any way accountable,
seeing that I performed a mere passive part, taking —
and even that unwillingly — what was left me. Certain
threadbare symptoms about the cuffs, and a missing
button or two, also showed me that I was no gainer by
the barter. Was it worth while to go back? were the
chances of recovering my own equal to the risk of being
myself discovered ? I thought not. It was decidedly a
shabby investment ; and, now that I examined it more
closely, a very miserable substitute for my own. I was
vexed at the occurrence, and could not help reflecting, in
very severe terms, upon the breach of honour such an act
displayed. 'Lie down with dogs' — Master Con, says the
adage — ' and see if you don't get up with fleas ! ' • Such
company as you passed the evening with were assuredly
not above a piece of roguery like this.' Falkoner it could
not be ; and I own that I was glad to know that, since he
CON CREGAN 287
was much taller than me ; nor could I remember one who
was near enough my own size to make me suppose him
the culprit ; and so I ended by attributing the knavery to
the negro, who probably had kept this ancient vestment
for a moment of substitution.
It may be inferred, from the difficulty of solution in the
case of this very simple occurrence, that my faculties were
not pre-eminently clear and lucid, and that the vapour of
the Thumbo-rig still hung heavily over me ; such, I am
bound to own, was the fact. Every event of the previous
night was as shadowy and imperfect as might be. It was
only during the last half-hour of my conversation with
Falkoner that I was completely conscious of all said
and done around me. Previous to this, my mind had
established a kind of provisional government over my
rebellious ideas, and, like most such bodies, its edicts had
little force, for they were based on but a weak prestige.
Now, then, came a question of this strange-looking
piece of card, with the numbers on which, by some
wonderful process, I seemed to be perfectly familiar —
nay, I felt that they were, from some hidden cause, re-
corded facts in my memory. All I could remember of
the night before threw little light upon the matter, and
I wondered on, striving to pierce the dull mist of un-
certainty that enveloped all my thoughts. By this time
I had reached the bank of the river, and could perceive
about half a mile off, down the stream, a tall-masted
smack getting ready for sea — her blue-Peter fluttered at
the mast-head, and the pleasant ye-ho ! of the sailors kept
time with the capstan-bars as they heaved at the anchor.
The wind was a nor'-wester, and beat with impatient
gusts the loose canvas that hung ready to be shaken out,
while the stream rushed rapidly along her sides.
'Would I were to sail in you, wherever your voyage
tended ! ' was my exclamation ; and I sat down to watch
the preparations, which the loud commands of the skipper
seemed to hasten and press forward. So occupied was I
288 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
with the stir and bustle on board the craft, where every-
thing was done with a lightning-speed, that I did not
remark a boat's crew, who sat leaning on their oars
beside the wall of the stream ; and it was only when an
accidental sound of their voices struck me that I saw
them.
' That 's a signal to come away, Ben ! ' said one of the
men. ' He '11 not wait no longer ! '
1 And why should he lose a tide for any land-lubber of
them all ? It 's not every day, besides, we get a nor'-wester
like this!'
'Well! what d'ye mean to do?' asked the former
speaker.
'Give him ten minutes more, Ben,' cried another.
' Let 's have a chance of a dollar apiece, anyhow ! '
'There goes a shot!' said the man called Ben, as he
pointed to the smack, from whose bow-port the smoke
was lazily issuing. ' I '11 not stay here any longer ! shove
her away, lads ! '
ON BOARD OF THE ' CHRISTOBAL '
J I ITHOUT further delay the men
prepared to obey the summons.
The boat's chain was cast off, and,
as she swung out from the wall, I could see a small
standard at her stern, carrying a little white flag, which,
as the breeze wafted towards me, showed the enigmatical
numbers 438.
I sprang to my legs and uttered a cry of surprise.
'Well! what is it, master?' said Ben, looking up, and
probably expecting to see me take a header into the muddy
stream.
' That 's the number ! ' cried I, not knowing what I said.
' That 's the very number ! '
' Very true, master, so it is ! but you ha'n't got the
counterpart, I guess ! '
' Yes, but I have, though ! ' said I, producing the ticket
from the pocket-book.
' Why, darn me, if that ain't himself ! ' cried the men ;
and they sung out three hearty cheers at the discovery.
13 T
290 THE CONFESSIONS OF
1 Were you there long, old fellow ? ' said Ben.
' About half an hour,' said I.
' Tarnation ! and why did ye keep us a-waitin' ? didn't
you see the tide was on the ebb, and that Christy was
making signals every five minutes or so ? '
' I was waiting — waiting '
' Waiting for what ? I 'd like to know.'
' Waiting for my baggage ! ' said I, taking a long
breath.'
' An' it ain't come yet ? '
' No ; I 'm afraid they missed the road.'
' Be that as it may, master, 1 11 not stay longer. Come
along without your kit, or stay behind with it, whichever
you please.'
' Hang the traps ! ' said I, affecting a bold carelessness ;
'I've a few things there I left out loose, that will do.
When shall we be there?' This was a leading question,
for I did not yet know whither we were bound.
' At Galveston ? Well, to-morrow evening or by night-
fall, I guess, if the wind hold. Sit down there and make
yourself snug; there's always a little splash of a sea in
this river. And now, lads, pull away ! all together.'
A second shot from the smack announced that her
anchor was tripped, and we saw her now lurch over as
her foresail filled.
The men pulled vigorously, and in about twenty
minutes I stood upon the deck of the Christobal, making
sundry excuses to her skipper for being late," and assuring
him, on the faith of a gentleman, that I had utterly
forgotten all about my voyage till the last moment.
' They only sent me the number from the office late last
night,' said he, ' and told me to look out for the gemman
about the docks. But I warn't goin' to do that, I said.
He 's got a passage and grub to Galveston — as good as ere
a gemman can desire ; he 's won a nag they says is worth
seven or eight hundred dollars, with furniture and arms
for the new expedition ; and I take it them things is worth
CON CREGAN 291
a-looking arter — so darn me blue if I gives myself no
trouble about 'em.'
These scattered hints were all I wanted. The sea-
breeze had restored me to my wonted clearness, and I
now saw that ' 438 ' meant that I had won a free passage
to Texas, a horse and a rifle when I got there; so far
the 'exchange of coats' was 'with a difference.' It was
with an unspeakable satisfaction that I learned I was
the only passenger on board the Christobal. The other
' gentlemen ' of the expedition had either already set out
or abandoned the project, so that I had not to undergo
any unpleasant scrutiny into my past life, or any im-
pertinent inquiry regarding my future.
Old Kit Turrel, the skipper, did not play the grand
inquisitor on me. His life had been for the most part
passed in making the voyage to and from New Orleans
and Galveston, where he had, doubtless, seen sufficient
of character to have satisfied a glutton in eccentricity.
There was not a runaway rogue, or abandoned vagabond,
that had left the coast for years back with whose history
he was not familiar. You had but to give him a name,
and out came the catalogue of his misdeeds on the
instant.
These revelations had a prodigious interest for me.
They opened the book of human adventure at the very
chapter I wanted. It was putting a keen edge upon
the razor to give me the 'last fashions in knavery'
— not to speak of the greater advantage of learning the
success attendant on each, since 'Kit' could tell precisely
how it fared with every one who had passed through
his hands.
He enlightened me also as to these Texan expeditions,
which, to use his own phrase, had never been anything
better than 'almighty swindles,' planted to catch young
flats from the north country, the southerns being all too
' crank ' to be done.
» And is there no expedition in reality ? ' said I, with all
292 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the horror of a man who had been seduced from home,
and family, and friends under false pretences.
' There do be a dash now and then into the Camanche
trail, when buffaloes are plenty, or to bring down a stray
buck or so. Mayhap, too, they cut off an Injun fellow or
two, if he lingers too late in the fall ; and then they come
back with wonderful stories of storming villages, and
destroying war parties, and the rest of it ; but we knows
better. Most of 'em ere chaps are more used to picklocks
than rifles, and can handle a " jemmy " better than a
" bowie-knife." '
'And in the present case what kind of fellows are
they?'
He rolled a tobacco quid from side to side of his mouth,
and seemed to hesitate whether he would speak out.
' There is no danger with me, captain ; I am an English-
man, a perfect stranger here, and have never seen or heard
of a man amongst them.'
'I see that,' said he, 'and your friends must be rank
green 'uns to let you go and join this trail — that's a
fact.'
' But what are they ? '
' Well, they call 'emselves horse - dealers ; but above
Austin there, and along by Bexar, they call 'em horse-
stealers ! ' and he laughed heartily at the excessive drollery
of the remark.
' And where do they trade with their cattle ? '
'They sells 'em here, or up in the States away north
sometimes, but they picks up the critters along the
Chehuhua Line, or down by Aguaverde, or San Pueblo.
I've known 'em to go to Mexico, too. When they don't
get scalped they've rather good fun of it; but they
squabble a bit now and then among 'emselves ; and so
there's a Texan proverb, "that buffalo-meat in spring is
as rare as a mustang merchant with two eyes ! " '
' What does that mean ? '
'They gouge a bit down there, they do — that's a fact,
CON CREGAN 293
I 've known two or three join the red men, and say Injuns
was better living with than them 'ere.'
' I own your picture is not flattering.'
' Yes, but it be, though ! You don't know them chaps ;
but I know 'em — ay, for nigh forty year. I 'm a-livin' on
this 'ere passage, and I've seen 'em all. I knew Bowlin
Sam, I did ! ' From the manner this was said, I saw that
Bowlin Sam was a celebrity, to be ignorant of whom was
to confess one's self an utter savage.
' To be sure I was only a child at the time ; but I saw
him come aboard with the negro fellow that he followed
up the Red River trail. They were two of the biggest
fellows you could see. Sam stood six feet six-an'-a-
quarter; the black was six feet four — but he had a
stoop in his shoulders. Sam tracked him for two years ;
and many's the dodge they had between 'em; but Sam
took him at last, and he brought him all the way from
Guajuaqualla here, bound with his hands behind him, and
a log of iron-wood in his mouth, for he could tear like
a jaguar.
'They were both on 'em ugly men — Sam, very ugly!
Sam could untwist the strongest links of an iron boat-
chain, and t' other fellow could bite a man-rope clean in
two with his teeth. The black ate nothing from the
time they took him; and when they put him into the
shore-boat, in the river, he was so weak they had to lift
him like a child. Well, out they rowed into the middle
of the stream, where the water is roughest among the
" snags," and many a whirlpool dashing around 'atween the
bows of the "sawyers." That's the spot you're sure to
see one of these young sharks — for the big chaps knows
better than to look for their wittals in dangerous places
— while the water is black, at times, with alligators. Well,
as I was sayin', out they rowed ; and just as they comes
to this part of the stream, the black fellow gives a spring,
and drives both his heavy-ironed feet bang through the
flooring - plank of the boat. It was past bailin'; they
294 THE CONFESSIONS OF
were half swamped before they could ship their oars
the minute after, they were all struggling in the river
together. There were three besides the nigger; but he
was the only one ever touched land again. He was an
Antigua chap, that same nigger; and they knows sharks
and caymans as we does dog-fish; but for all that, he
was all bloody, and had lost part of one foot, when
he got ashore.'
' Why had he been captured ? what had he done ? '
' What hadn't he done ? that same black murdered more
men as any six in these parts ; he it was burned down
Checoat's mill up at Brandy Cove, with all the people
fastened up within. Then he run away to the " washins "
at Guajuaqualla, where he killed Colonel Rixon, as was over
the " Placer." He cut him in two with a bowie-knife, and
never a one guessed how it happened, as the jaguars had
carried off two or three people from the "washins"; but
the nigger got drunk one night, and began a-cuttin' down
the young hemlock-trees, and sayin', " That 's the way I
mowed down Buckra' Georgy " — his name was George
Rixon. Then he bolted, and was never seen more. Ah !
he was a down-hard 'un ! that fellow Crick.'
'Crick — Menelaus Crick!' said I, almost springing up
with amazement as I spoke.
'Just so. You've heard enough of him 'fore now, I
guess.'
The skipper went on to talk about the negro's early
exploits, and the fearful life of crime which he had
always pursued, but I heard little of what he said. The
remembrance of the man himself, bowed down with years
and suffering, was before me, and I thought how terribly
murder is expiated, even in those cases where the guilty
man is believed to have escaped. So is it ; the dock, the
dungeon, and the gallows can be mercies in comparison
with the self -torment of eternal fear, the terror of com-
panionship, or the awful hell of solitude! The scene at
Anticosti, and the terrific night in the Lower Town of
CON CREGAN 295
Quebec, rose both together to my mind, and so absorbed
my thoughts, that the old skipper, seeing my inattention,
and believing that I was weary and inclined for sleep, left
me for the deck ; and I lay still, pondering over these sad
themes.
At last I roused myself and went on deck. The city
had long since disappeared from view, and even the low
land at the mouth of the river had faded in the dis-
tance ; while, instead of the yellow polluted flood of the
Mississippi, the blue waves, shining and sparkling, danced
merrily past, or broke in foam-sheets at the bow. The
white sails were bent like boards, firm and immovable
before the breeze, and the swift vessel darted her way
onward, as proudly as though her freight were something
prouder and better than a poor adventurer, without one
in the wide world who cared whether he won or lost the
game with Fortune.
My spirits rose every mile we left New Orleans behind
us ; I felt, besides, that to bring my skill to such a market
was but to carry ■ coals to Newcastle ' ; nor, from the
skipper's account, did Texas offer a much more favourable
field. However, it smacked of adventure ; the very name
had a charm for me, and I thought I should far rather
confront actual danger than live a life of petty schemes
and small expedients. But, what a strange crucible is the
human heart ! Here was I, placed in a situation to which
an incident had elevated me — of a kind which a more
scrupulous sense of honour would have made some shudder
at — fancying, ay, and persuading myself too, that, in the
main, I possessed very admirable sentiments and most
laudable ambitions — that the occasional little straits to
which I was reduced were only so many practical jokes
played on me by Fate, which took, doubtless, a high
delight in the ingenuity by which I always fell on my feet
— while I felt certain that, were I only fairly treated, a
more upright, honourable, straightforward young gentle-
man never lived than I should prove !
296 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Let Dame Fortune only deal me trumps,' said I, ' and
I'll promise never "to look into my neighbour's hand."'
Gentle reader, you smile at my humility ; well, then, it 's
clear you are neither a secretary of state nor a railway
director — that 's all.
We dropped anchor off Galveston just as the sun was
setting ; and the evening being calm, and the reflection of
the houses and steeples in the water sharp and defined,
the scene was sufficiently striking. The city itself was
more important as to size and wealth than I had anti-
cipated, and the office of the Texan Expedition, held at
the ' Moon,' a great coffee-house on the quay, impressed
me most favourably with the respectability and preten-
sions of my co-expeditionaries. Old Kit presented me to
the secretary — a very knavish-looking fellow in spectacles
of black gauze — as the winner of the great prize, which,
to my excessive mortification, I learned was at Houston,
about eighty miles farther up the Bay.
I apologised for my careless dress, by stating that my
baggage had been unfortunately left behind at New
Orleans, and that in my haste I had been obliged to come
on board with actually nothing but the few dollars I had
in my pocket.
' That 's a misfortune easily repaired, sir,' said the gauze-
eyed secretary — ' you can have your " credit " cashed here
just as liberally as at any town in the country.'
' I have no doubt of that,' responded I, somewhat tartly,
for I did not fancy this allusion to banks and bankers,
' but all my papers are in my portmanteau.'
' Provoking, certainly,' said he, taking a long pinch of
snuff — ' ain't it, Kit ? '
But Kit only scratched his nose, and looked puzzled.
' Are your bankers Vicars and Bull, sir ? '
'No,' said I, 'my credits are all on a northern house;
but I fancy my name is tolerably well known. You've
heard of the Cregans, I suppose ? '
' Cregan — Cregan,' repeated he a couple of times ; then
CON CREGAN 297
opening a huge ledger at the letter C, ran his eye down a
long column. 'Crabtree — Crossley — Croxam — Crebell —
Creffet — Cregmore. It is not Cregmore, sir ? '
' No ; Cregan is the name.'
'Ah, well, there's no Cregan. There was a Cregmore
was lynched here, I see by the mark in the book, and
we have a small trunk waiting to be claimed belonging to
him.'
' That ain't the fellow as purtended to be winner of the
waggon team that was lotteried here a twelvemonth since,
is it ? ' said Kit.
' Yes, but it is, though. He made out he had the ticket
all right and straight, when up comes one Colonel Jabus
Harper, and showed the real thing ; and the chaps took it
up hotly, and they lynched Cregmore that evening.'
1 Yes, sir, that 's a fact,' quoth Kit.
'What was the penalty?' asked I, with a most im-
posing indifference.
' They hanged him up at Hall's Court yonder. I ain't
sure if he bean't hanging there still.'
' And this packet,' said I — for the theme was excessively
distasteful — ' when does she sail ? '
' She starts to-night, at twelve — first cabin, two dollars ;
steerage, one-twenty.'
' Thank you,' said I, touching my hat with the con-
descending air one occasionally employs to humiliate an
inferior, by its mingled pride and courtesy ; and I turned
into the street.
' You ain't a-going to Hall's Court, are you ? ' said Kit,
overtaking me.
' Of course not,' responded I indignantly. ' Such sights
are anything but pleasurable.'
' He ain't all right,' said Gauze-eyes, as old Kit re-
entered the office, and I stepped back to listen.
' Well, I don't know,' muttered the other ; ' I 'm a-think-
ing it be doubtful, sir. He ha'n't got much clink with him,
that 's a fact.'
298 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'I have half a mind to send Chico up in the boat
to-night, just to dodge him a bit.'
' Well, ye might do it,' yawned the other ; • but Chico is
such an almighty willain that he 11 make him out a rogue
or a swindler at all events.'
' Chico is smart, that I do confess,' said the other with
a grin.
'And he do look so uncommon like a vagabond, too,
Chico ; I don't like him.'
* He can look like anything he pleases, Chico can. I 've
seen him pass for a Pawnee, and no one ever disciver it.'
' He 's a rank coward, for all that,' rejoined the skipper ;
' and he can put no disguise upon that.'
The sound of feet, indicative of leaving, made me
hasten from the spot, but in a mood far from comfortable.
With the fate of" my ingenious predecessor in Hall's
Court before me, and the small possibility of escaping
the shrewd investigations of Chico, I really knew not
what course to follow. The more I reflected, however,
the less choice was there at my disposal ; the bold line, as
generally happens, being not a whit more dangerous than
the timid path, since, were I to abandon my prize, and not
proceed to Houston, the inevitable Chico would only be
the more certain to discover me.
My mind was made up ; and stepping into a shop I
expended two of my four dollars in the purchase of a
revolver — second-hand, but an excellent weapon, and
true as gold. A few cents supplied me with some balls
and powder ; and, thus provided, I took my way towards
the wharf where the steamer lay, already making some
indicative signs of readiness.
I took a steerage passage ; and, not knowing where or
how to dispose of myself in the interval before starting,
I clambered into a boat on deck, and, with my bundle for a
pillow, fell into a pleasant doze. It was not so much sleep
as a semi-waking state, that merely dulled and dimmed
impressions — a frame of mind I have often found very
CON CREGAN 299
favourable to thought. One is often enabled to examine
a question in this wise, as they look at the sun through
a smoked glass, and observe the glittering object without
being blinded by its brilliancy. I suppose the time I
passed in this manner was as near an approach to low
spirits as I am capable of feeling, for, of regular down-
right depression, I know as little as did Nelson of fear.
I bethought me seriously of the scrape in which I
found myself, and reflected with considerable misgivings
upon the summary principles of justice in vogue around
me; and yet the knavery was not of my own seeking.
Like Falstaff's honour, it was 'thrust upon me.' I was
innocent of all plot or device. Le diable qui se mele en
tout — never was there a truer saying — would have it
that I should exchange coats with another, and that
this confounded ticket should be the compensation for
worn seams and absent buttons.
I have no doubt, thought I, but that ' Honesty is the
best policy,' pretty much upon the same principle that even
a dead calm is better than a hurricane. But to him who
desires progress, on whose heart the word 'onward' is
written, the calm is lethargy, while the storm may prove
propitious. I then tried to persuade myself that even this
adventure could not turn out ill ; not that I could by any
ingenuity devise how it should prove otherwise, but I
knew that Fortune is as skilful as she is kind, and so I left
the whole charge to her.
Is it my fault, I exclaimed, that I am not rich, and
well-born, and great ? Show me any one who would have
enjoyed such privileges more. Is it my fault that, being
poor, ignoble, and lowly in condition, I have tastes and
aspirations at war with my situation ? — these ought rather
to be stimulants to exertion than caprices of Fortune.
I like the theory better, too. And is it not hard to be
condemned for the devices I am reduced to employ to
combat such natural evils? If the prisoner severs his
fetters with an old nail, it is because he does not possess
300 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the luxury of a file or 'cold chisel.' As for me, the
employment of small and insignificant means is highly
distasteful : instead of following the lone mountain-path
on foot, I 'd drive ' life's highroad ' four-in-hand, if I could.
The furious rush of the escape-steam, the quick coming
and going of feet, the heavy banging of luggage on the
deck, and all the other unmistakable signs of approaching
departure, aroused me, as I lay patiently contemplating
the bustle of leave-taking, hand-shaking, and embracing,
in which I had no share. A lantern at the gangway lit up
each face that passed, and I strained my eyes to mark one,
the only one, in whom I was interested. As I knew not
whether the ingenious Ohico were young, old, short, slim,
fat, or six foot — whether brown or fair, smooth-faced or
bearded, my observations were necessarily universal, and I
was compelled to let none escape me.
At first, each passenger appeared to be ' him,' and
then, after a few minutes, I gave up the hope of detection.
There were fellows whose exterior might mean anything
— large, loose-coated figures, with leather overalls and
riding-whips, many of them with pistols at their girdles,
and one or two wearing swords, parading the deck on every
side. It needed not the accompaniment of horse-gear,
saddles, holsters, halters, and cavezons, to show that they
belonged to a fraternity which, in every land of the Old
World or the New, has a prescriptive claim to knavery.
Although all of them were natives of the United States,
neither in their dark-brown complexions, deep moustaches
and whiskers, and strange gestures, was there any trace
of that land which we persist in deeming so purely Anglo-
Saxon. The prairie and the hunting-ground, the life of
bivouac and the habit of danger, had imparted its
character to their looks ; and there was, besides, that air
of swagger and braggadocio so essentially the type of your
trafficker in horse-flesh.
If my attention had not been turned to another subject,
I would willingly have studied a little the sayings and
CON CREGAN 301
doings of this peculiar class, seeing that it might yet be
my lot to form one of the brotherhood ; but my thoughts
were too deeply interested in discovering Chico, whose
presence in the same ship with me actually weighed on
my mind like the terror of a phantom.
' Can this be he ? ' was the question which arose to my
heart as figure after figure passed me near where I lay;
but the careless, indolent look of each passenger as regu-
larly negatived the suspicion. We were now under weigh,
steaming along in still water with all the tremendous
power of our high-pressure engines, which shook the vessel
as though they would rend its strong framework asunder.
The night was beautifully calm and mild, and although
without a moon, the sky sparkled with a thousand stars,
many of which were of size and brilliancy to throw long
columns of light across the bay.
The throb of the great sea monster, as she cleared her
way through the water, was the only sound heard in the
stillness ; for, although few had ' gone below,' the groups
seated about the deck either smoked in silence or talked
in low, indistinct tones.
I lay gazing at the heavens, and wondering within my-
self which of those glittering orbs above me was gracious
enough to preside over the life and adventures of Con
Cregan; 'some dim, indistinct, little spangle it must be,'
thought I — 'some forgotten planet of small reputation,
I've no doubt it is. I shouldn't wonder if it were that
little sly-looking fellow that winks at me from the edge of
yonder cloud, and seems to say, " Lie still, Con — keep close,
my lad — there 's danger near." ' As I half -muttered this to
myself, a dark object intervened between me and the sky,
a large black disc, shutting out completely the brilliant
fretwork on which I had been gazing. As I looked again,
I saw it was the huge broad-brimmed hat of a padre — one
of those felted coal-scuttles which make the most vener-
able faces grotesque and ridiculous.
Lying down in the bottom of the boat, I was able to
302 THE CONFESSIONS OF
take a deliberate survey of the priest's features, while he
could barely detect the dark outline of my figure. He was
thick and swarthy, with jet-black eyes, and a long-pointed
chin. There was something Spanish in the face, and yet
more of the Indian ; at least the projecting cheek-bones
and the gaunt, hollow cheeks favoured that suspicion.
From the length of time he stood peering at me I could
perceive that it was not a passing impulse, but that his
curiosity was considerable. This impression was scarcely
conceived ere proved, as, taking a small lantern from the
binnacle, he approached the boat and held it over me.
Affecting a heavy slumber, I snored loudly, and lay
perfectly still, while he examined my face, bending over
me as I lay, and marking each detail of my dress and
appearance.
As if turning in my sleep, I contrived to alter my
position in such a manner that, covering my face with my
arm, I could watch the padre.
' Came on board alone, said you ? ' asked he of a little
dirty urchin of a cabin-boy at his side.
'Yes, father; about two hours before we left the
harbour.'
' No luggage of any kind ? '
'A bundle, father — that under his head, and nothing
more.'
' Did he speak to you, or ask any questions?'
' Only at what time we should reach Houston, and if the
" White Hart " was near the quay.'
' And then he lay down in the boat here ? '
' Just so. I saw no more of him after.'
'That will do,' said the padre, handing the lantern to
the boy.
That will do ! thought I also. Master Chico, if you know
me, I know you as well !
The game was now begun between us — at least, so I felt
it. I lay watching my adversary, who slowly paced back-
wards and forwards, stopping now and then to peep into
CON CREGAN 303
the boat, and doubtless conning over in his own mind his
plan of attack.
We were to land some passengers and take in some
wood at a little place called Fork Island, and here I was
half determined within myself that my voyage should end.
That Chico had discovered me was clear — the padre could
be no other than he ; and that he would inevitably hunt me
down at Austin was no less evident. Now, discovery and
lynching were but links of the same chain, and I had no
fancy to figure as ' No. 2 ' in Hall's Court.
The silence on the deck soon showed that most of the
passengers had gone below, and, so far as I could see in
the uncertain light, Chico with them. I arose, therefore,
from my hard couch to take a little exercise, which my
cramped limbs stood in need of. A light drizzling rain
had begun to fall, which made the deck slippery and un-
comfortable, and so I took my stand at the door of the
cook's galley, into which two or three of the crew had
sought shelter.
As the rain fell the fog thickened, so that, standing
close in to shore, the skipper slackened our speed, till at
last we barely moved through the water. Not aware of
the reason, I asked one of the sailors for an explanation.
' It 's the dirty weather, I reckon,' said lie, sulky at being
questioned.
' Impatient, I suppose, to get the journey over, my young
friend?' said a low, silky voice, which at once reminded
me of that I had already heard when I lay in the boat. I
turned, and it was the padre, who, with an umbrella over
him, was standing beside me.
'I'm not much of a sailor, father,' replied I, saluting
him respectfully as I spoke.
'More accustomed to the saddle than the poop-deck?'
said he, smiling blandly.
I nodded assent, and he went on with some passing
generalities about sea and land life — mere skirmishing, as
I saw, to invite conversation.
304 THE CONFESSIONS OP
Partly weariness, partly a sense of discomfort at the
persecution of this man's presence, made me sigh heavily.
I had not perceived it myself, but he remarked it imme-
diately, and said —
' You are depressed in spirit, my son ; something is
weighing on your heart ! '
I looked up at him, and, guided possibly by my suspicion
of his real character, I saw, or thought I saw, a twinkling
glitter of his dark eye, as though he was approaching
the theme on which he was bent.
' Yes, father ! ' replied I, with a voice of well-feigned
emotion ; t my heart is indeed heavy ; but ' — here I assumed
a more daring tone — ! I must not despond for all
that!'
I walked away as I spoke, and, retiring, sat down near
the wheel, as if to meditate. I judged that the padre would
soon follow me ; nor was I wrong — I was not many minutes
seated ere he stood at my side.
' I see,' said he, in a mild voice — ' I see, from the respect
of your manner, that you are one of our own people — a
good son of the Church. What is your native country ? '
' Ireland, father,' said I, with a sigh.
'A blessed land, indeed!' said he benignly: 'happy in
its peaceful inhabitants — simple-minded and industrious ! '
I assented, like a good patriot, but not without mis-
givings that he might have been just as happy in another
selection of our good qualities.
' I have known many of your countrymen,' resumed he,
'and they all impressed me with the same esteem. All,
alike frugal, temperate, and tranquilly disposed.'
' Just so, sir ; and the cruelty is, nobody gives them
credit for it ! '
'Ah, my son, there you are in error. The Old World
may be, and indeed I have heard that it is, ungenerous ;
but its prejudices cannot cross the ocean. Here we esti-
mate men not by our prejudices but by their merits. Here
we recognise the Irishman as Nature has made him — ■
CON CREGAN 305
docile, confiding, and single-hearted; slow to anger, and
ever ready to control his passions ! '
'That's exactly his portrait, father!' said I enthusi-
astically. ' Without a double of any kind — a creature that
does not know a wile or a stratagem ! '
The priest seemed so captivated by my patriotism and
my generous warmth that he sat down beside me, and we
continued to make Ireland still our theme, each vying with
the other who could say most in praise of that country.
It was at the close of a somewhat long disquisition upon
the comparative merits of Ireland and the Garden of Eden
— in which, I am bound to say, the balance inclined to the
former, that the padre, as if struck by a sudden thought,
remarked —
' You are the very first of your nation I ever met in a
frame of mind disposed to melancholy ! I have just been
running over, to myself, all the Irishmen I ever knew, and
I cannot recall one that had a particle of gloom or sorrow
about him.'
' Nor had I, father,' said I, with emotion ; ' nor did I
know what sorrow was till three days back ! I was light-
hearted and happy — the world went well with me, and I
was content with the world. I will not trouble you with
my story; enough when I say that I came abroad to
indulge a taste for adventure and enterprise, and that the
New World has not disappointed my expectations. If I
spent money a little too freely, an odd grumble or so from
"the governor" was the darkest cloud that shaded my
horizon. An only son, perhaps I pushed that prerogative
somewhat too far; but our estate is unencumbered, and
my father's habits are the reverse of extravagant — for a
man of his class I might call them downright rustic in
simplicity. Alas ! why do I think of these things ? I have
done with them for ever.'
'Nay, nay; you must not give way thus. It is very
unlikely that one young as you are can have any real
guilt upon his conscience.'
13 u
306 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Not yet, father,' said I, with a shudder — ' not yet ;
but who can tell how it may be with me to-morrow or
next day ? — what a different answer should I have to give
your question then ! '
' This is some fancy — some trick of a warm and ill-
regulated imagination, my son.'
' It is the language my heart pours from my lips,' said I,
grasping his hand, as if with irrepressible emotion. 'I
have a heavy crime here — here ! ' and I struck my breast
violently ; ' and if it be as yet unaccomplished, the shadow
of the guilt is on me already.'
'Sit still, my son — sit still, and listen to me,' said he,
restraining me, as I was about to rise ; ' to whom can you
reveal these mysterious terrors more fittingly than to me ?
Be candid — tell me what weighs upon your heart. It may
be that a mere word of mine can give you courage and
calm.'
' That cannot be,' said I firmly ; ' you speak in kindness,
but you know not what you promise. I am under a vow,
father — I am under a vow ! '
' Well, my son, there are many vows meritorious. There
are vows of penitence, and of chastity, and of abstin-
ence '
' Mine is none of these,' said I, with a low guttural utter-
ance, as if I was biting each word I spoke.
' Vows of chastisement '
' Not that — not that either ! ' cried I ; then, dropping my
voice to a low whisper, I said, ' I have sworn a solemn oath
to commit a murder ! I know the full guilt of what is
before me — I see all the consequences, both here and here-
after, but my word is pledged — I have taken the oath with
every ceremony that can give it solemnity, and — I'll go
through with it ! '
' There is a mystery in all this,' said the padre ; ' you
must recount the circumstances of this singular pledge
ere I can give you either comfort or counsel.'
' I look for neither — I hope for neither ! ' said I, wringing
CON CREGAN 307
my hands ; ' but you shall hear my story — you are the
last to whom I can ever reveal it! I arrived at New
Orleans about a fortnight ago, on a yacht cruise with a
friend of mine, of whose name, at least, you may have
heard — Sir Dudley Broughton.'
' The owner of a handsome schooner, the Firefly,' said
the padre, with an animation on the subject not quite in
keeping with his costume.
' The same — you are, then, acquainted with him ? '
' Oh no ; I was accidentally standing on the wharf when
his yacht came up the river at New Orleans.'
'You didn't remark a young man on the poop, in a
f oraging-cap, with a gold band round it ? '
' I cannot say I did.'
' He carried a key-bugle in his hand.'
' I did not perceive him.'
' That was me ; how different was I then ! Well, well —
I'll hasten on. We arrived at New Orleans, not quite
determined whither next we should bend our steps; and
hearing by mere accident of this Texan expedition, we
took it into our heads we would join it. On inquiring
about the matter, we found that a lottery was in progress,
the prizes of which were various portions of equipment,
horses, mules, baggage, negroes, and so on. For this — just
out of caprice — we took several tickets ; but as, from one
cause or other, the drawing was delayed, we lingered on,
going each day to the office, and there making acquaint-
ance with a number of fellows interested in the expedi-
tion, but whose manner and style, I need scarcely say, were
not good recommendations to intimacy. Broughton, how-
ever, always liked that kind of thing ; low company, with
him, had always the charm of an amusement that he could
resign whenever he fancied. Now, as he grew more
intimate with these fellows, he obtained admission into a
kind of club they held in an obscure part of the town, and
thither we generally repaired every evening, when too
late for any more correct society. They were all, or at
308 THE CONFESSIONS OF
least they affected to be, interested in Texan expeditions,
and the conversation never took any other turn than what
concerned these objects; and if, at first, our Old- World
notions were shocked at their indifference to life — the
reckless disregard of honour and good faith they evinced,
we came, by degrees, to feel that the moral code of the
prairies permitted many things which were never sanc-
tioned in more cultivated latitudes.
' Broughton entered into all this with a most extraor-
dinary interest. Nothing seemed too wild, too abandoned,
and too outrageous for his notions ; and I shame to say it,
he soon made me a convert to his opinions. His constant
speech was, " Be as virtuous as you please, my dear fellow,
among ladies and gentlemen, but pray fight Choctaws,
Pawnees, and half-breeds with their own weapons, which
are either a trick or a tomahawk." I never liked the
theory; but partly from daily iteration, partly from a
yielding pliancy of disposition, and in great measure from
being shamed into it, I gave way, and joined him in all the
pledges he gave, to go through with anything the expedi-
tion exacted. I must be brief — that light yonder is on Fork
Island, where we stop to take in wood, and ere we reach it,
I must make up my mind to one course or other.
'As the time for the starting of the expedition drew
nigh, the various plans and schemes became the theme of
nightly discussion, and we heard of nothing but guides
and trails, where grass was to be found for the cattle, and
where water could be had, with significant hints about
certain places and people who were known, or believed to
be inimical to these excursions. Thus, on the map were
marked certain villages which might be put under contri-
bution, and certain log-houses which should be made to
pay a heavy impost ; here, it was a convent to be mulcted,
and there, a store or a mill to be burned ! In fact, the
expedition seemed to have as many vengeances to fulfil as
hopes of gain to gratify, for each had a friend who was
maltreated, or robbed, or murdered, and whose fate or
CON CREGAN 309
fortunes required an expiation — but I weary you, padre,
with all this ? '
' Not at all, my son ; I recognise perfectly the accuracy
of your account. I have heard a good deal about these
people.'
' There was one individual, however, so universally de-
tested that you would suppose he must have been a kind
of devil incarnate to have incurred such general hate.
Every one had a grudge against him, and, in fact, there
was a kind of struggle who should be allotted to wreak on
him the common vengeance of the company. It was at last
decided that his fate should be lotteried, and that whoever
won the first prize — this mare of which you may have heard
— should also win the right to finish this wretched man. I
gained this infamous distinction; and here am I, on my
way to claim my prize and commit a murder ! Ay, I may
as well employ the true word — it is nothing less than a
murder ! I have not even the poor excuse of revenge.
I cannot pretend that he ever injured me ; nay, I have not
even seen him. I never heard of his name till two days ago ;
nor, even now, could I succeed in finding him out if I were
not provided with certain clues at Houston, and certain
guides by whose aid I am to track him. My oath is pledged :
I swore it solemnly, that, if the lot fell upon me, I 'd do the
deed — and do it I will; yet, I am equally resolved never
to survive it.' Here I produced my revolver. ' If this barrel
be for the unlucky Chico, this other is for myself ! '
'What name did you say?' cried he, with a faltering
voice, while his hand, as he laid it on my arm, shook
like ague.
' Chico, the wretch is called,' I said, fixing a cap on my
pistol.
'And why call him a wretch, my son? Has he ever
injured you? How do you know that he is not some
poor kindly-hearted creature, the father of five children,
one of them a baby, perhaps? How can you tell the
difficulties by which he gains his living, and the hazard
310 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to which he exposes his life in doing so? And is it to
injure such a man you will go down to your own grave
an assassin ? '
' I '11 do it ! ' said I doggedly — ' 1 11 keep my oath ! '
' Such an oath never bound any man — it is a snare of
Satan.'
' So it may — I '11 keep it ! ' said I, beating the deck with
my foot, with the dogged determination of one not to be
turned from his purpose.
' Kill in cold blood a man you never saw before ? '
' Just so ; I am not going to think of him, when I set so
little store by myself. I only wish the fellow were here
now, and I 'd show you whether I 'd falter or not.'
' Poor Chico — I could weep for him ! ' said he, blubbering.
'Keep your pity for me,' said I — '1, that am bound
by this terrible oath, and must either stamp myself a
coward or a murderer. As for Chico, I believe a more
worthless wretch never existed — a poor, mean-spirited
creature, whose trade is to be a spy, and by whose cursed
machinations many a fine fellow has been ruined.'
'You are all wrong, sir,' said the padre warmly. 'I
know the man myself; he is an amiable, kind-hearted
being, that never harmed any one.'
' He 's the fellow to die, then ! ' said I roughly.
' He has a small family, unprovided for.'
'They have the inheritance of his virtues,' said I
scoffingly.
'Can you have the heart for such cruelty?' cried he,
almost sobbing.
'Come with me when I land at Houston, and see —
that 's all ! ' said I. ' A few minutes back I was hesitating
whether I would not land at this island and abandon
my purpose. The weakness is now over ; I feel a kind of
fiendish spirit growing up within me already; I cannot
think of the fellow without a sense of loathing and
hatred ! '
' Lie down, my son, and compose yourself for an hour
CON CREGAN 311
or two ; sleep and rest will calm your agitated brain, and
you will then listen to my counsels with profit; your
present excitement overmasters your reason, and my
words would be of no effect.'
' I know it — I feel it here, across my temples — that it is
a kind of paroxysm ; but I never close my eyes that I do
not fancy I see the fellow, now in one shape, now in
another, for he can assume a thousand disguises ; while
in my ears his accursed name is always ringing.'
'I pity you from my heart!' said the other; and
certainly a sadder expression I never saw in any human
face before. ' But go down below — go down, I beseech you.'
' I have only taken a deck passage,' said I doggedly. ' I
determined that I would see no one — speak to no one.'
' Nor need you, my son,' said he coaxingly. ' They are
all sound asleep in the after-cabin; take my berth — I do
not want it — I am always better upon deck.'
' If you will have it so,' said I, yielding ; ' but, for your
life, not a word of what I have said to you ! Do not
deceive yourself by any false idea of humanity. Were you
to shoot me where I stand, you could not save him — his
doom is spoken. If / fail, there is Broughton, and after
him a score of others, sworn to do the work.'
' Lie down and calm yourself,' said he, leading me to the
companion-ladder ; ' we must speak of this to-morrow.'
I squeezed his hand, and slowly descended to the cabin.
At first the thought occurred to me that he might give the
alarm and have me seized ; but then this would expose him
so palpably to my recognition, should I chance to escape, it
was unlikely he would do so ; the stillness on deck showed
me I was correct in this latter estimate, and so I turned
into his comfortable berth ; and while I drew the counter-
pane over me, thought I had made a capital exchange for
the hard ribs of the ' long-boat.'
If my stratagem had succeeded in impressing my friend
Chico with a most lively fear, it did not leave my own
mind at perfect tranquillity. I knew that he must be a
312 THE CONFESSIONS OF
fellow of infinite resources, and that the game between us,
in all likelihood, had but commenced. In circumstances of
difficulty I have constantly made a practice of changing
places with my antagonist, fancying myself in his position,
and asking myself how I should act? This taking the
'adversary's hand' is admirable practice in the game of
life; it suggests an immense range of combinations, and
improves one's play prodigiously.
I now began to myself a little exercise after this fashion ;
but what between previous fatigue, the warmth of the
cabin, and the luxury of a real bed, Chico and I changed
places so often in my brain that confusion ensued; then
came weariness, and, at last, sound sleep ! so sound, that I
was only awoke by the steward, as he popped his greasy
head into the berth, and said, ' I say, master, here we are,
standing close in — hadn't you better get up ? '
I did as he advised ; and, as I rubbed the sleep from my
eyes, said, ' Where 's the padre, steward ? — what 's become
of him ? '
' He was took ill last night, and stopped at Fork Island
— he '11 go back with us to-morrow to Galveston.'
'You know him, I suppose?' said I, looking at the
fellow with a shrewd intelligence that he knew how to
construe.
'Well,' cried he, scratching his head — 'well, mayhap I
do guess a bit who he is.'
' So do I, steward ; and when we meet again he '11 know
me,' said I, with a look of such imposing sternness that
I saw the fellow was recording it. ' You may tell him so,
steward. I '11 wait for him here till I catch him ; and if he
escape both myself and my friend Broughton — Broughton,
don't forget the name — he is deeper than I give him credit
for.'
As I was about to leave the cabin I caught sight of the
corner of a red handkerchief peeping out beneath the
pillow of the berth. I drew it forth, and found it was
Chico's travelling kit, which he preferred abandoning to
CON CREGAN 313
the risk of again meeting me. It contained a small black
skull-cap, such as priests wear, a missal, a string of beads,
with a few common articles of dress, and eight dollars in
silver.
' The spoils of victory ! ' quoth I, embodying the whole in
my own bundle — 'the enemy's baggage and the military
chest captured ! '
' Which is the " White Hart " ? ' said I, as I came on deck,
now crowded with shore folk, porters, and waiters.
'This way, sir — follow me,' said a smart fellow in a
waiter's dress ; and I handed him my bundle and stepped
on shore.
THE LOG-HUT AT BRAZOS
WAS all impatience to see my prize;
and scarcely had I entered the inn
than I passed out into the stable-yard, now crowded with
many of those equestrian - looking figures I had seen on
board the steamer.
' Butcher's mare here still, Georgie ? ' said a huge fellow,
with high boots of red-brown leather, and a sheep-skin
capote belted round him with a red sash.
' Yes, Master Seth, there she stands. You '11 be getting
a bargain of her, one of these days.'
' If I had her up at Austin next week for the fair she 'd
bring a few hundred dollars.'
' You 'd never think of selling a beast like that at Austin,
Seth ? ' said a bystander.
' Why not ? Do you fancy I '11 bring her into the States,
and see her claimed in every town of the Union ? Why,
man, she's been stolen once a month, that mare has, since
she was a two-year-old. I knew an old general up in the
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 315
Maine frontier had her last year; and he rid her away
from a "stump meeting" in Vermont, in change of his
own mule — blind — and never know'd the differ till he was
nigh home. I sold her twice, myself, in one week. Scott
of Muckleburg stained her off foreleg white — and sold her
back, as a new one, to the fellow who returned her for
lameness; and she can pretend lameness — she can.'
A roar of very unbelieving laughter followed this sally ;
but Seth resumed —
'Well, I'll lay fifty dollars with any gentleman here
that she comes out of the stable dead lame, or all sound,
just as I bid her.'
Nobody seemed to fancy this wager; and Seth, satisfied
with having established his veracity, went on —
' You 've but to touch the coronet of the off -foot with
the point of your bowie — a mere touch, not draw blood —
and see if she won't come out linrping on the toe, all as
one as a dead breakdown in the coffin joint ; rub her a bit
then with your hand — she 's all right again ! It was
Wrecksley of Ohio taught her the trick ; he used to lame
her that way, and buy her in, wherever he found her.'
' Who 's won her this time ? ' cried another.
' I have, gentlemen,' said I, slapping my boot with my
cane, and affecting a very knowing air as I spoke. The
company turned round and surveyed me some seconds in
deep silence.
' You an't a-goin' to ride her, young 'un ? ' said one, half
contemptuously.
' No, he an't ; the gent 's willin' to sell her,' chimed in
another.
' He 's goin' to ax me three hundred dollars,' said a
third, ' an' I an't a-goin' to gi' him no more than two
hundred.'
' You are all wrong — every man of you,' said Seth.
'He's bringing her to England, a present for the queen,
for her own ridin'.'
' And I beg to say, gentlemen, that none of you have
316 THE CONFESSIONS OF
hit upon the right track yet ; nor do I think it necessary
to correct you more fully. But as you appear to take an
interest in my concerns, I may mention that I shall want
a hack for my servant's riding — a short-legged, square-
jointed thing, clever to go and a good feeder, not much
above fourteen hands in height or four hundred dollars in
price. If you chance upon this '
' I know your mark.'
' My roan, with the wall-eye. You don't mind a wall-
eye?'
' No, no ! my black pony mare 's the thing the gent 's
a-lookin' for.'
' I say it 's nothing like it,' broke in Seth. ' He 's a-
wantin' a half-bred mustang, with a down-east cross — a
critter to go through fire and water — liftin' the forelegs
like a high-pressure piston, and with a jerk of the " stifle,"
like the recoil of a brass eight-pounder. An't I near the
mark ? '
' Not very wide of it,' said I, nodding encouragingly.
' She 's at Austin now. You an't a-goin' there ? '
' Yes,' said I ; ' I shall be in Austin next week.'
' Well, never you make a deal till you see my black
pony,' cried one.
' Nor the roan cob,' shouted another.
1 He 'd better see 'em 'fore he sees Split-the-wind, then,
or he 'd not look at 'em arter,' said Seth. ' You 've only to
ask for Seth Chiseller, and they '11 look me up.'
' You an't a-goin' to let us see Butcher's mare afore we
go ? ' said one to the ostler.
' I an't, because I haven't got the key. She 's a-double-
locked, and the cap'n never gives it to no one, but comes
a feedin' time himself, to give her corn.'
After a few muttered remarks on this caution, the
horse-dealers sauntered out of the yard, leaving me musing
over what I had heard, and wondering if this excessive
care of the landlord boded any suspicion regarding the
winner of the prize.
He reappeared leading a tall mare.
CON CREGAN 317
' Jist draw that bolt across the gate there, will ye,'
said the ostler, while he produced a huge key from his
pocket. ' I know em well, them gents. A man must have
fourteen eyes in his head, and have 'em back and front
too, that shows 'em a horse beast ! Darn me coarse ! if
they can't gi' 'un a blood spavin in a squirt of tobacco !
Let's see your ticket, young master, and I'll show you
Charcoal — that's her name.'
' Here it is,' said I, ' signed by the agent at Galveston,
all right and regular.'
' The cap'n must see to that. I only want to know that
ye have the number. Yes, that 's it ; now stand a bit on
one side. Ye '11 see her when she comes out.'
He entered the stable as he spoke, and soon re-
appeared, leading a tall mare, fully sixteen hands high,
and black as jet — a single white star on her forehead, and
a dash of white across the tail, being the only marks
on her. She was bursting with condition, and both in
symmetry and action a splendid creature.
' An't she a streak of lightnin', and no mistake ? ' said
he, gazing on her with rapture. ' An't she glibber to move
nor a wag of a comet's tail, when he 's taking a lark round
the moon ? There 's hocks ! there 's pasterns ! Show me a
gal with ankles like 'em, and look at her, here ! An't she
a-made for sittin' on ? '
I entered into all his raptures. She was faultless in
every point — save, perhaps, that in looking at you she
would throw her eye backwards, and show a little bit too
much of the white. I remarked this to the ostler.
' The only fault she has,' said he, shaking his head ;
' she mistrusts a body always, and so she 's eternally a-
lookin' back, and a gatherin' up her quarters, and a-holdin'
of her tail tight in ; but for that, she 's a downright reg'lar
beauty, and for stride and bottom there ain't her equal
nowhere.'
' Her late master was unlucky, I 've heard,' said I
insinuatingly.
318 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' He was so far unlucky that he couldn't sit his beast
over a torrent and a down leap. He would hold her in,
and she won't bear it at a spring, and so she flung him
before she took the leap, and when she lit t' other side,
with her head high and her hind legs under her, he was
a-sittin' with his'n under his arm, and his neck bruck — that
was the way o' it. See now, master, if ever ye do want a
great streak out of her, leave the head free a bit, press her
wi' your calves, and give a right down reg'lar halloo — ha !
like a Mexican chap — then, she '11 do it ! '
The ostler found me a willing listener, either when
dwelling on the animal's perfections, or suggesting hints
for her future management ; and when at last both these
themes were tolerably exhausted, he proceeded to show
me the horse-gear of saddle, and bridle, and halter, and
holsters, all handsomely finished in Mexican taste, and
studded with brass nails in various gay devices. At last
he produced the rifle — a regular Kentucky one, of polt's
making — and what he considered a still greater prize, a
bell-mouthed thing, half horse-pistol, half blunderbuss,
which he called ' a almighty fine " Harper's Ferry tool,"
that would throw thirty bullets through an oak panel
two inches thick.'
It was evident that he looked upon the whole equip-
ment as worthy of the most exalted possession, and he
gazed on me as one whose lot was indeed to be envied.
' Seth and the others leave this to-morrow a'ternoon,'
said he ; ' but if ye be a-goin' to Austin, where the
"spedeshin" puts up, take my advice, and get away
before 'em. You've a fine road — no trouble to find the
way ; your beast will carry you forty, fifty, if you want it,
sixty miles between sunrise and " down " ; and you 11 be
snug over the journey before they reach Killian's Mill, the
half-way. An' if ye want to know why I say so, it 's just
because that's too good a beast to tempt a tramper wi',
and them 's all trampers ! '
I gave the ostler a dollar for all his information and
CON CREGAN 319
civility, and re-entered the inn to have my supper. The
cap'n had already returned home, and after verifying my
ticket, took my receipt for the mare, which I gave in all
form, writing my name ' Con Cregan ' as though it were to
a cheque for a thousand pounds.
I supped comfortably, and then walked out to the
stable to see Charcoal. ' Get her corn ; you '11 see if she
don't eat it in less than winkin',' said the ostler ; ' and if
she wor my beast, she 'd never taste another feed till she
had her nose in the manger at Croft's Gulley.'
' And where is Croft's Gulley ? '
'It's the bottoms after you pass the larch wood; the
road dips a bit, and is heavy there, and it 's a good baitin'
place, just eighteen miles from here.'
' On the road to Austin ? '
He nodded. 'Ye see,' he said, 'the moon's a-risin';
there's no one out this time. Ye know what I said
afore.'
' I '11 take the advice, then. Get the traps ready ; 1 11
pack the saddle-bags and set out.'
If any one had asked me, ' why I was in such haste to
reach Austin ? ' my answer would have been, to join the
expedition ; and if interrogated, ' with what object then ? '
I should have been utterly dumfoundered. Little as I
knew of its intentions, they must all have been above the
range of my ability and means to participate in. True, I
had a horse and a rifle; but there was the end of my
worldly possessions, not to say that my title, even to
these, admitted of litigation. A kind of vague notion
possessed me, that once up with the expedition, I should
find my place ' somewhere ' — a very Irish idea of a
responsible situation. I trusted to the ' making myself
generally useful' category for employment, and to a
ready-wittedness never cramped nor restrained by the
petty prejudices of a conscience.
The love of enterprise and adventure is conspicuous
among the springs of action in Irish life, occasionally
320 THE CONFESSIONS OF
developing a Wellesley or a Captain Rock. Peninsular
glories and predial outrage have just the same one origin
— a love of distinction, and a craving desire for the enjoy-
ment of that most fascinating of all excitements — what-
ever perils life.
Without this element, pleasure soon palls ; without the
cracked skulls and fractured ' femurs,' fox-hunting would
be mere galloping — a review might vie with a battle if
they fire blank cartridge in both ! Who 'd climb the Peter
Bot, or cross the petits mulets of Mont Blanc, if it were
not that a false step or a totter would send him down a
thousand fathoms into the deep gorge below. This playing
hide-and-seek with Death seems to have a great charm,
and is very possibly the attraction some folks feel in
playing invalid, and passing their lives amid black draughts
and blue lotions !
I shrewdly suspect this luxury of tempting peril dis-
tinguishes man from the whole of the other animal
creation ; and if we were to examine it a little, we should
see that it opens the way to many of his highest aspirings
and most noble enterprises. Now, let not the gentle reader
ask, ' Does Mr. Cregan include horse-stealing in the list of
these heroic darings?' Believe me, he does not ; he rather
regarded the act of appropriation in the present case in
the light some noble lords did when voting away church
property — ' a hard necessity, but preferable to being mulct
one's self ! ' With many a thought like this, I rode out into
the now silent town, and took my way towards Austin.
It is a strange thing to find one's self in a foreign land,
thousands of miles from home, alone, and at night! the
sense of isolation is almost overwhelming. So long as
daylight lasts, the stir of the busy world, and the business
of life, ward off these thoughts — the novelty of the scene
even combats them ; but when night has closed in, and we
see above us the stars that we have known in other
lands, the self-same moon by whose light we wandered
years ago, and then look around and mark the features
CON CREGAN 321
of a new world, with objects which tell of another hemi-
sphere, and then think that we are there, alone, without
tie or link to all around us, the sensation is thrilling in its
intensity.
Every one of us — the least imaginative even — will asso-
ciate the strangeness of a foreign scene with something
of that adventure of which he has read in his childhood ;
and we people vacancy, as we go, with images to suit the
spot in our own country. The little pathway along the
river-side suggests the lovers' walk at sunset, as surely as
the dark grove speaks of a woodman's hut or a gypsy
camp. But abroad, the scene evokes different dwellers ; the
Sierra suggests the brigand; the thick jungle the jaguar
or the rattlesnake; the heavy plash in the muddy river
is the sound of the cayman; and the dull roar, like wind
within a cavern, is the cry of the hungry lion. The presence
around us of objects of which we have read long ago, but
never expected to see, is highly exciting ; it is like taking
our place among the characters of a story, and investing
us with an interest to ourselves, as the hero of some
unwrought history.
This is the most fascinating of all castle-building, since
we have a spot for an edifice — a territory actually given
to us.
I thought long upon this theme, and wondered to what
I was yet destined — whether to some condition of real
eminence, or to move on among that vulgar herd who are
the spectators of life, but never its conspicuous actors. I
really believe this ignoble course was more distasteful to
me from its flatness and insipidity than from its mere
humility. It seemed so devoid of all interest — so tame and
so monotonous — I would have chosen peril and vicissitude
any day in preference. About midnight I reached Croft's
Gulley, where, after knocking for some time, a very sulky
old negro admitted me into a stable while I baited my
mare. The house was shut up for the night, and even had
I sought refreshment I could not have obtained it.
13 x
322 THE CONFESSIONS OF
After a brief halt, I again resumed the road, which led
through a close pine-forest, and, however much praised,
was anything but a good surface to travel on. Charcoal,
however, made light of such difficulties, and picked her
steps over holes and stumps with the caution of a trapper,
detecting with a rare instinct the safe ground, and never
venturing on spots where any difficulty or danger existed.
I left her to herself ; and it was curious to see that when-
ever a short interval of better footway intervened, she
would, as if to 'make play,' as the jockeys call it, strike
out in a long swinging canter, ' pulling up ' to the walk the
moment the uneven surface admonished her to caution.
As day broke the road improved, so that I was able to
push along at a better pace, and by breakfast-time I found
myself at a low, poor-looking log-house, called ' Brazos.' A
picture, representing Texas as a young child receiving
some admirable counsel from a very matronly lady with
thirteen stars on her petticoat, flaunted over the door,
with the motto, 'Filial Affection, and Candy Flip at all
hours.'
A large dull-eyed man, in a flannel pea-jacket and loose
trousers to match, was seated in a rocking-chair at the
door, smoking an enormous cigar, a little charmed circle
of expectoration seeming to defend him from the assaults
of the vulgar. A huge can of cider stood beside him, and
a piece of Indian corn bread. He eyed me with the coolest
unconcern as I dismounted, nor did he show the slightest
sign of welcome.
' This is an inn, I believe, friend ? ' said I, saluting him.
' I take it to be a hotel,' said he, in a voice very like a
yawn.
' And the landlord — where is he ? '
' Where he ought to be — at his own door, a-smokin' his
own rearin'.'
' Is there an ostler to be found ? I want to refresh my
horse, and get some breakfast for myself too.'
' There an't none.'
A Free aiul tndepencLciit Land lord,
CON CREGAN 323
'No help?'
' Never was.'
'That's singular, I fancy.'
' No it an't.'
' Why, what do travellers do with their cattle, then ? '
' There bean't none.'
'No cattle?'
' No travellers.'
' No travellers ! and this the highroad between two
considerable towns ! '
' It an't.'
' Why, surely this is the road to Austin ? '
' It an't.'
' Then this is not Brazos ? '
' It be Upper Brazos.'
' There are two of them, then ; and the other I suppose
is on the Austin road ? '
He nodded.
' What a piece of business ! ' sighed I ; ' and how far
have I come astray ? '
' A good bit.'
' A mile or two ? '
' Twenty.'
' Will you be kind enough to be a little more communi-
cative, and just say where this road leads to, if I can join
the Austin road without turning back again, and where ? '
Had I propounded any one of these queries, it is just
possible I might have had an answer; but, in my zeal,
I outwitted myself. I drew my cheque for too large
an amount, and consequently was refused payment alto-
gether.
' Well,' said I, after a long and vain wait for an answer,
'what am I to do with my horse? There is a stable, I
hope?'
' There an't,' said he, with a grunt.
' So that I can't bait my beast ? '
'No!'
324 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'Bad enough! can I have something to eat myself? a
cup of coffee — — ? '
A rude burst of laughter stopped me, and the flannel
man actually shook with the drollery of his own thoughts.
'It bean't Astor House, I reckon !' said he, wiping his eyes.
' Not very like it, certainly,' said I, smiling.
' What o' that ? Who says it ought to be like it ? ' said
he, and his fishy eyes flared up, and his yellow cheeks grew
orange with anger. ' I an't very like old Hickory, I s'pose !
and maybe I don't want to be ! I 'm a free Texan ! I an't
a nigger nor a blue nose ! I an't one of your old country
slaves, that black King George's boots, and ask leave to
pay his taxes ! I an't.'
' And I,' said I, assuming an imitation of his tone, for
experiment's sake — ' I am no lazy, rocking-chair, whittling,
tobacco-chewing Texan ! but a traveller, able and willing
to pay for his accommodation, and who will have it, too ! '
' Will ye ? Will ye, then ? ' cried he, springing up with
an agility I could not have believed possible ; while, rush-
ing into the hut, he reappeared with a long Kentucky
rifle, and a bayonet a-top of it. 'Ye han't long to seek
yer man if ye want a flash of powder ! Come out into the
bush and " see it out," I say ! '
The tone of this challenge was too insulting not to call
for at least the semblance of acceptance, and so, fastening
my mare to a huge staple beside the door, I unslung my
rifle, and cried, 'Come along, my friend, I'm quite ready
for you ! '
Nothing daunted at my apparent willingness, he threw
back the hammer of his lock, and said, 'Hark ye, young
'un ! You can't give me a cap or two ? mine are consider-
able rusty ! '
The request was rather singular, but its oddity was its
success ; and so, opening a small case in the stock of my
rifle, I gave him some.
'Ah, them's real chaps — the true "tin jackets," as we
used to say at St. Louis ! ' cried he, his tongue seeming
CON CREGAN 325
wonderfully loosened by the theme. ' Now, lad, let 's see if
one of your bullets fit this bore ; she 's a heavy one, and
carries twenty to the pound ; and I 've nothing in her now
but some loose chips of iron for the bears.'
Loose chips of iron for the bears ! thought I ; did ever
mortal hear such a barbarian ! ' You don't fancy, friend, I
came here to supply you with lead and powder, to be used
upon myself, too ! I supposed, when you asked me to come
out into the bush, that you had everything a gentleman
ought to have for such a purpose.'
'Well, I never seed the like of that!' exclaimed he,
striking the ground with the butt-end of his piece. ' If we
don't stand at four guns' length '
'We'll do no such thing, friend,' said I, shouldering my
piece and advancing towards him. ' I never meant to
offend you ; nor have you any object in wounding, mayhap
killing, me. Let me have something to eat ; I '11 pay for it
freely, and go my ways.'
'What on airth is it, eh?' said he, looking puzzled.
' Why, that 's one of Colt's rifles ! you 'd have picked me
down at two hundred yards, sure as my name is Gabriel.'
' I know it,' said I coolly ; ' and how much the better or
the happier should I have been had I done so ? ' I watched
the fellow's pasty countenance as though I could read what
passed in the muddy bottom of his mind.
'If it were not for something of this kind,' added I
sorrowfully, ' I should not be here to-day. You know New
Orleans ? ' — he nodded — ' well, perhaps you know Ebenezer
York?'
' The senator ? '
' The same ! ' — I made the pantomime of presenting a
pistol, and then of a man falling — ' just so. His brothers
have taken up the pursuit, and so I came down into this
quarter till the smoke cleared off ! '
' He was a plumper at a hundred and twenty yards. I
seen him double up Gideon Millis, of Ohio.'
' Ah ! I could recount many a thing of the kind to you,'
326 THE CONFESSIONS OF
said I, leading the way towards the hut, ' but my throat is
so dry, and I feel so confoundedly weary just now '
' That 's cider,' said he, pointing to the crock.
I didn't wait for a more formal invitation, but carried
it to my lips, and so held it for full a couple of minutes.
' Ye wor drouthy — that 's a fact ! ' said he, peering into
the low watermark of the vessel.
' You haven't got any more bread ? ' said I, appropriat-
ing his own.
' If I hadn't, ye 'd not have got that so easy, lad ! ' said
he, with a grin.
' And now for my mare ; you see she 's a good one '
' Good as if she belonged to a richer master ! ' said
he, with a peculiar leer of the eye. ' I know her well !
Knowed her a foal ! Ah, Charry, Miss ! do you forget the
way to take off your saddle with your teeth?' and he
patted the creature with a nearer approach to kindness
than I believed he was capable of.
I will not dwell upon the little arts I employed to con-
ciliate my friend Gabriel, nor stop to say how I managed
to procure some Indian corn-meal for my horse, and the
addition of a very tough piece of dried beef to my own
meagre breakfast. I conclude the reader will be as eager
to escape from his society as I was myself ; nor had I ever
thrown him into such unprofitable acquaintanceship,
were there other means of explaining how first I
wandered from the right path, and by what persuasions
I was influenced in not returning to it.
If Gabriel's history was not very entertaining, it was
at least short, so far as its catastrophe went. He was a
Kentucky ' bounty man,' who had taken into his head to
fight a duel with a companion with whom he was return-
ing from New York. He killed his antagonist, buried him,
and was wending his way homeward with the watch and
other property of the deceased, to restore to his friends,
when he was arrested at Little Rock and conveyed to
gaol. He was tried, found guilty, and sentenced to death,
CON CREGAN 327
but made his escape the night before the execution was
to have taken place. His adventures from the Arkansas
River till the time he found himself in Texas were excit-
ing in a high degree, and, even with his own telling, not
devoid of deep interest. Since his location in the One-Star
Republic, he had tried various things, but all had failed
with him. His family, who followed him, died off by the
dreadful intermittents of the bush, leaving him alone to
doze through the remainder of existence between the
half-consciousness of his fall and the stupid insensibility
of debauch. There was but one theme could stir the dark
embers of his nature ; and when he had quitted that, the
interest of life seemed to have passed away, and he relapsed
into his dreamy indifference to both present and future.
How he contrived to eke out subsistence was difficult
to conceive. To the tavern he had been almost the only
customer, and in succession consumed the little stores his
poor wife had managed to accumulate. He appeared to
feel a kind of semi-consciousness that if ' bears did not fall
in his way ' during the winter it might go hard with him ;
and he pointed to four mounds of earth behind the log-hut,
and said that ' the biggest would soon be alongside of 'em.'
As the heat of midday was too great to proceed in, I
learned from him thus much of his own story, and some
particulars of the road to Bexar, whither I had now
resolved on proceeding, since, according to his opinion,
that afforded me a far better chance of coming up with
the expedition than by following their steps to Austin.
' Had you come a few hours earlier to day,' said he, ' you
could have joined company with a friar who is travelling
to Bexar; but you'll easily overtake him, as he travels
with a little waggon and a sick woman. They are making
a pilgrimage to the saints there for her health. They have
two lazy mules and a half-breed driver, that won't work
miracles on the roads, whatever the Virgin may after !
You '11 soon come up with them, if Charry 's like what she
used to be.'
328 THE CONFESSIONS OF
This intelligence was far from displeasing to me, I
longed for some companionship ; and that of a friar, if not
very promising as to amusement, had at least the merit of
safety — no small charm in such a land as I then sojourned
in. I learned, besides, that he was an Irishman, who had
come out as a missionary among the Choctaws, and that
he was well versed in prairie life — that he spoke many of
the Indian dialects, and knew the various trails of these
pathless wilds like any trapper of them all.
Such a fellow-traveller would be indeed a prize ; and as
I saddled my mare to fellow him, I felt lighter at heart
than I had done for a long time previous. 'And his
name ? ' said I.
' It is half Mexican by this. They call him Fra Miguel
up at Bexar.'
' Now then for Fra Miguel ! ' cried I, springing into my
saddle; and, with a frank 'Good-bye,' took the road to
Bexar.
I rode along with a light heart, my way leading through
a forest of tall beech and alder trees, whose stems were
encircled by the twining tendrils of the 'liana,' which
oftentimes spanned the space overhead, and tempered the
noonday sun by its delicious shade. Birds of gay plumage
and strange note hopped from branch to branch, while
hares and rabbits sat boldly on the grassy road, and
scarcely cared to move at my approach. The crimson-
winged bustard, the swallow-tailed woodpecker with his
snowy breast, and that most beautiful of all, the lazuli
finch, whose colour would shame the blue waters of the
Adriatic, chirped and fluttered on every side. The wild
squirrel, too, swung by his tail and jerked himself from
bough to bough, in all the confidence of unmolested
liberty ; while even the deer, timid without danger, stood
and gazed at me as I went, doubtless congratulating them-
selves that they were not born to be beasts of burden.
There was so much novelty to me in all around that the
monotonous character of the scene never wearied; for,
CON CREGAN 329
although as far as human companionship was concerned,
nothing could be more utterly solitary and desolate, yet
the abundance of animal life, the bright tints of plumage,
and the strange concert of sound, afforded an unceasing
interest.
Occasionally I came upon the charred fragments of
firewood, with other signs indicative of a bivouac, showing
where some hunting-party had halted ; but these, with a
chance wheel-track, were all the evidence that travellers
had ever passed that way. The instincts of the human
heart are, after all, linked to companionship, and,
although it was but a few hours since I had parted with
' mine host ' of Brazos, I began to conceive a most anxious
desire for the society of a fellow-traveller. I had pushed
Charcoal for some time in the hope of overtaking the
friar, but not only without success, but even without
coming upon any recent tracks that should show where
the party passed. I could not have mistaken the road,
since there was but one through the forest ; and at last I
became uneasy lest I should not reach some place of
shelter for the night, and obtain refreshment for myself
and my horse. From the time that these thoughts crossed
my mind, all relish for the scene and its strange associa-
tions departed. A scarlet jay might have perched upon
my saddle-bow unmolested; a whip-poor-will might have
chanted her note from my hat or my holsters unminded ;
the antlered stags did indeed graze me as they went, with-
out my once remembering that I was the owner of one
of Colt's ' sharp bores,' so intent I had grown upon the
topic of personal safety. What if I had gone astray?
What if I fell in with the Choctaws, who often came
within a few miles of Austin ? What if Charcoal fell
lame, or even tired ? What if But why enumerate all
the suspicions that when chased away on one side in-
variably came back on the other? There was not an
incident, from a sprained ankle to actual starvation, that
I did not rehearse ; and, like that respected authority who
330 THE CONFESSIONS OF
spent his days speculating what he should do ' if he met a
white bear,' I threw myself into so many critical situations
and embarrassing conjectures that my head ached with
overtaxed ingenuity to escape from them.
iEsop's fables have much to answer for. The attribut-
ing the gift of speech to animals by way of characterising
their generic qualities takes a wondrous hold upon the
mind ; and as for me, I held ' imaginary conversations '
with everything that flew or bounded past. From the
green lizard that scaled the shining cork-trees to the lazy
toad that flopped heavily into the water, I had a word for
all — ay, and thought they answered me too.
Some, I fancied, chirped pleasantly and merrily, as
though to say, 'Go it, Con, my hearty — Charry has
stride and wind for many a mile yet.' Some, with a wild
scream, would seem to utter a cry of surprise at the pace,
as if saying, ' Ruffle my feathers, if Con 's not in a hurry.'
An old owl, with a horseshoe wig, looked shocked at my
impetuosity, and shook his wise head in grave rebuke;
while a fat asthmatic frog nearly choked with emotion
as I hurled the small pebbles into his bath of duck-weed.
How strange would life be, reduced to such companion-
ship, thought I. Would one gradually sink down to the
level of this animal existence, such as it appears now, or
would one elevate the inferior animal to some equality
of intelligence ?
The solitude which a short time previous had suggested
I know not how many bright imaginings, presented now
the one sad, unvarying reflection — desolation ; and it
had almost become a doubtful point whether I should
not at once turn my horse's head and make for Upper
Brazos and its gruff host of the log-house, rather than
brave a night al fresco in the forest. It was just at
the moment that this question became mooted in my
mind that I perceived the faint track of a wheel on the
short grass of the pathway. I dismounted and examined
it closely, and soon discovered its counterpart on the other
CON CREGAN 331
side of the road, and with a little further search I could
detect the foot-marks of two horses evidently unshod.
Inspired with fresh courage by these signs, I spurred
Charry to a sharper stride, and for above two hours
rode on, each turning of the road suggesting the hope of
coming up with the friar, who evidently journeyed at
a brisker pace than I had anticipated. The sailor's adage
says that 'a stern chase is a long chase,' and so it is,
whether it be on land or sea — whether the pursuit be
to overtake a flying Frenchman or Fortune !
The sun had sunk beneath the tops of the tall trees,
and only streamed through, in chance lines of light, upon
the road, when suddenly I found myself upon the verge
of an abrupt descent, at the bottom of which ran a narrow
but rapid river. These great fissures, by which the
mountain streams descend to join the larger rivers, are
very common in Texas and throughout the region which
borders on the Rocky Mountains, and form one of the
greatest impediments to travelling in these tracts.
As I gazed upon the steep descent, to have scrambled
down which, even on foot, would have been dangerous
and difficult enough, I remembered that I had passed,
about half an hour before, a spot where the road ' forked '
off into two separate directions, and at once resumed
my march to this place, where I had the satisfaction of
perceiving that the grass was yet rising under the recent
passage of a waggon. A short and sharp canter down a
gentle slope brought me once more in sight of the stream,
and, of what was far nearer to my hopes, the long-looked-
f or party with the friar.
The scene I now beheld was sufficiently striking for
a picture. About fifty feet beneath where I stood, and
on the bank of a boiling, foaming torrent, was a waggon,
drawn by two large horses ; a covering of canvas formed
an awning overhead, and curtains of the same material
closed the sides. A large, powerful-looking Mexican stood
beating the stream with a great pole, while the friar
332 THE CONFESSIONS OF
with his robes tucked up so as to display a pair of
enormous naked legs, assisted in this singular act of
flagellation, from time to time addressing a hasty prayer
to a small image, which I perceived he had hung up
against the canvas covering. The noise of the rushing
water, and the crashing sound of the sticks, prevented
my hearing the voices, which were most volubly exerted
all the while, and which, by accustoming myself to the
din, I at last perceived were used in exhorting the horses
to courage. The animals, however, gave no token of
returning confidence, nor showed the slightest inclination
to advance. On the contrary, whenever led forward a
pace or two, they invariably sprang back with a bound
that threatened to smash their tackle or upset the
waggon; nor was it without much caressing and en-
couragement that they would stand quiet again. Mean-
while, the friar's exertions were redoubled at every
moment, and both his prayers and his thrashings became
more animated. Indeed, it was curious to watch with
what agility his bulky figure alternated from the work
of beating the water to gesticulating before ' the Virgin.'
Now, as I looked, a small corner of the canvas curtain
was moved aside, and a hand appeared, which even with-
out the large straw fan it carried, might have been
pronounced a female one. This, however, was speedily
withdrawn on some observation from the friar, and the
curtain was closed rigidly as before.
All my conjectures as to this singular proceeding being
in vain, I resolved to join the party, towards whom I
perceived the road led by a slightly circuitous descent.
Cautiously wending my way down this slope, which
grew steeper as I advanced, I had scarcely reached the
river-side when I was perceived by the party. Both the
friar and his follower ceased their performance on the
instant, and cast their eyes upwards to the road with a
glance that showed they were on ' the lookout ' for others.
They even changed their position to have a better view
CON CREGAN 333
of the path, and seemed as if unable to persuade them-
selves that I could be alone. To my salutation, which I
made by courteously removing my hat and bowing low,
they offered no return, and looked — as I really believe
they were — far too much surprised at my sudden appear-
ance to afford me any signs of welcome. As I came
nearer, I could see that the friar made the circuit of
the waggon, and, as if casually, examined the curtains,
and then, satisfied ' that all was right,' took his station
by the head of his beasts and waited for my approach.
' Good-day, Senhor Caballero,' said the friar, in Spanish,
while the Mexican looked at the lock of his long-barrelled
rifle, and retired a couple of paces, with a gesture of
guarded caution.
' Good-evening, rather, father,' said I in English. ' I have
ridden hard to come up with you for the last twenty miles.'
' From the States ? ' said the friar, approaching me,
but with no peculiar evidences of pleasure at hearing his
native language.
' From your own country, Fra Miguel,' said I boldly —
' an Irishman.'
' And how are you travelling here ? ' said he, still
preserving his previous air of caution and reserve.
' A mistake of the road ! ' said I confidently ; for already
I had invented my last biographical sketch. 'I was on
the way to Austin, whither I had despatched my servants
and baggage, when accidentally taking the turn to Upper
Brazos instead of the lower one, I found myself some
twenty miles off my track before I knew of it. I should
have turned back when I discovered my error, but that I
heard that a friar, a countryman too, had just set out
towards Bexar. This intelligence at once determined me
to continue my way, which I rejoice to find has been so
far successful.'
To judge from the padre's face, the pleasure did not
appear reciprocal. He looked at me and the waggon alter-
nately, and then he cast his eyes towards the Mexican,
334 THE CONFESSIONS OF
who, understanding nothing of English, was evidently hold-
ing himself ready for any measures of a hostile character,
'Going to Austin!' at last said the friar. 'You are a
merchant, then ? '
'No,' said I, smiling superciliously; 'I am a mere
traveller for pleasure, my object being to make a tour
of the prairies, and by some of the Mexican cities, before
my return to Europe.'
' Heaven guide and protect you,' said he fervently, with
a wave of his hand like leave-taking. ' This is not a land
to wander in after nightfall. You are well mounted,
and a good rider ; push on then, my son, and you '11 reach
Bexar before the moon sets.'
'If that be your road, father,' said I, 'as speed is no
object with me, I'd rather join company with you than
proceed alone.'
'Ahem!' said he, looking confused; 'I am going to
Bexar, it is true, senhor, but my journey is of the slowest :
the waggon is heavy, and a sick companion whom it con-
tains cannot travel fast. Go, then, con Dios ! and we may
meet again at our journey's end.'
' My mare has got quite enough of it,' said I — my desire
to remain with him being trebled by his exertions to get
rid of me. 'When I overtook you I was determining to
dismount and spare my beast, so that your pace will not
in the least inconvenience me.'
The padre, instead of replying to me, addressed some
words to the Mexican in Spanish, which, whatever they
were, the other only answered by a sharp slap of his palm
on the stock of his rifle, and a very significant glance at
his girdle, where a large bowie-knife glittered in all the
freedom of its unsheathed splendour. As if not noticing
this pantomime, I drew forth my ' Harper's Ferry pistol '
from the holster and examined the priming — a little bit
of display I had the satisfaction to perceive was not
thrown away on either the friar or the layman. At a
word from the former, however, the latter began once
CON CREGAN 335
again his operations with the pole, the friar resuming
his place beside the cattle, as if totally forgetful of my
presence there.
' May I ask the object of this proceeding, father,' said
I, ' which, unless it be a " devotional exercise," is perfectly
unaccountable to me.'
The padre looked at me without speaking ; but the sly
drollery of his eye showed that he would have had no
objection to bandy a jest with me were the time and
place more fitting. 'I perceive,' said he, at length, 'that
you have not journeyed in this land, or you would have
known that at this season the streams abound with
caymans and alligators, and that when the cattle have
been once attacked by them they have no courage to
cross a river after. Their instinct, however, teaches
them that beating the waters ensures safety, and many
a Mexican horse will not go knee-deep without this
ceremony being performed.'
' I see that your cattle are unusually tired in the present
case,' said I, ' for you have been nigh half an hour here to
my own knowledge.'
' Look at that black mare's foreleg and you '11 see why,'
said he, pointing to a deep gash which laid bare the white
tendons for some inches in length, while a deep pool of
blood flowed around the animal's hoof.
A cry from the Mexican here broke in upon our colloquy,
as, throwing down his pole, he seized his rifle and dropped
upon one knee in the attitude of defence.
' What is it, Sancho ? ' cried the friar.
A few words of guttural followed, and the padre said it
was a large alligator that had just carried off a chiguire, a
wild pig, under the water with him. This stream is a
tributary of the Colorado, along the banks of which these
creatures' eggs are found in thousands !
My blood ran cold at the horrid thought of being
attacked by such animals, and I readily volunteered my
assistance at the single-stick exercise of my companion.
336
THE CONFESSIONS OF
The friar accepted my offer without much gracious-
ness, but rather as that of an unwelcome guest who could
not be easily got rid of.
A NIGHT IN A FOREST OF TEXAS
HE friar ceased his efforts, and calling
the Mexican to one side, whispered something in a low,
cautious manner. The other seemed to demur and hesi-
tate, but, after a brief space, appeared to yield; when,
replacing the poles beside the waggon, he turned the
horses' heads toward the road by which they had just come.
' We are about to try a ford some miles farther up the
stream,' said the padre, 'and so we commend you to the
Virgin and wish you a prosperous journey.'
' All roads are alike to me, holy father,' said I, with a
coolness that cost me something to assume.
CON CREGAN 337
' Then take the shortest, and you '11 be soonest at your
journey's end,' said he gruffly.
1 Who can say that ? ' rejoined I ; ' it 's no difficult matter
to lose one's way in a dense forest where the tracks are
unknown.'
' There is but one path, and it cannot be mistaken,' said
he, in the same tone.
' It has one great disadvantage, father,' said I.
'What is that?'
' There is no companionship on it ; and, to say truth, I
have too much of the Irishman in me to leave good
company for the pleasure of travelling all alone.'
' Methinks you have very little of the Irishman about
you in another respect,' said he, with a sneer of no doubt-
ful meaning.
' How so ? ' said I eagerly.
' In volunteering your society when it is not sought
for, young gentleman,' said he, with a look of steadfast
effrontery ; ' at least, I can say, such were not the habits
of the land as I remember it some forty years ago.'
' Ah, holy father, it has grown out of many a barbarous
custom since your time — the people have given up drink-
ing and faction-fighting, and you may travel fifty miles a
day for a week together and never meet with a friar.'
' Peace be with you ! ' said he, waving his hand, but with
a gesture it was easy to see boded more passion than
patience.
I hesitated for a second what to do ; and, at last, feeling
that another word might perhaps endanger the victory I
had won, I dashed spurs into the mare's flanks, and, with
the shout the ostler had recommended, rushed her at the
stream. Over she went, ' like a bird,' lighting on the
opposite bank with her hind legs ' well up,' and the next
moment plunged into the forest.
Scarcely, however, had I proceeded fifty paces than I
drew up. The dense wood effectually shut out the river
from my view, and even masked the sounds of the rushing
13 y
338 THE CONFESSIONS OF
water. A suspicion dwelt on my mind that the friar was
not going back, and that he had merely concerted this plan
with the Mexican the easier to disembarrass himself of
my company. The seeming pertinacity of his purpose
suggested an equal obstinacy of resistance on my part.
Some will doubtless say that it argued very little pride,
and a very weak self-esteem, in Con Cregan, to continue
to impose his society where it had been so peremptorily
declined; and so had it been, doubtless, had the scene
been a great city, ruled and regulated by its thousand-and-
one conventionalities. But the prairies are separated by
something longer than mere miles from the land of kid
gloves and visiting-tickets. Ceremonial in such latitudes
would be as unsuitable as a court suit.
Besides, I argued thus : ' A very underdone slice of
tough venison, with a draught of spring water, constitute
in these regions a very appetising meal ; and, for the same
reason, a very morose friar, and a still sulkier servant,
may be accepted as very tolerable travelling companions.
Enjoy better when it can be had, Con, but prefer even the
humblest fare to a famine' — a rule more applicable to
mental food than to material.
In a little self -colloquy after this kind, I crept stealthily
back, leading Charry by the bridle, and halting at intervals
to listen. What a triumph to my skill in divination as I
heard the friar's loud voice overtopping the gushing flood,
while he exhorted his beasts in the most energetic fashion !
I advanced cautiously till I gained a little clump of
brushwood, from "which I could see the river and the group
perfectly. The friar had now mounted the waggon, and
held the reins ; the Mexican was, however, standing in the
stream, and leading the cattle, who appeared to have re-
gained somewhat more of their courage, and were slowly
proceeding, sniffing timidly as they went, and pawing the
water fretfully.
The Mexican advanced boldly, till the water reached
nigh the top of his great botas vaqueras, immense boots
CON CREGAN 339
of buffalo-hide, which, it is said, resist the bite of either
cayman or serpent; and so far the horses went, doubt-
less from the encouragement. As soon, however, as the
deepening flood warned the man to mount the waggon,
they halted abruptly, and stood pawing and splashing the
stream, while their ears flattened back, and their drawn-in
tails evinced the terror that was on them.
Objurgations, entreaties, prayers, curses, menaces were
all in vain — a step farther they would not budge. All
that the Spanish contained of guttural was hurled at
them without success ; the cow-hide whip might welt their
flanks and leave great ridges at every stroke, the huge
pole of the Mexican might belabour them, with a running
accompaniment of kicks — but to no purpose. They cared
as little for the cow-hide as the ' calendar ' — neither saints
nor thrashings could persuade them to move on. Saint
Anthony and Saint Ursula, Saint Forimund of Cordova,
with various others, were invoked to no end. Saint
Clement of Capua, to whom all poisonous reptiles, from
boas to whipsnakes, owe allegiance, was called upon to aid
the travellers ; but the quadrupeds took no heed of these
entreaties, but showed a most Protestant contempt for
the whole litany.
There was a pause : wearied with flogging, and tired
out with vain exhortations, both friar and Mexican ceased,
and, as if in compensation to their long pent-up feelings,
vented their anger in a very guttural round of maledic-
tions upon the whole animal creation, and in particular
on that part of it who would not be eaten by alligators
without signs of resistance and opposition. Whether this
new turn of events had any influence, or that the matter
was more owing to 'natural causes,' I cannot say, but,
just then, the horse which had been already bitten reared
straight up, and with a loud snort plunged forward, carry-
ing with him the other. By his plunge he had reached a
deep part of the stream, where the water came half-way
up his body. Another spring smashed one of the traces, and
340 THE CONFESSIONS OF
left him free to kick violently behind him — a privilege he
certainly hastened to avail himself of. His fellow, whether
from sympathy or not, imitated the performance, and there
they were lashing and plunging with all their might while
the waggon, against which the strong current beat in all
its force, threatened at every instant to capsize. The friar
struggled manfully, as did his follower ; but, unfortunately,
one of the reins gave way, and by the violent tugging at
the remaining one the animals were turned out of their
course and dragged round to the very middle of the
stream. About twenty yards lower down, the river fell
by a kind of cascade some ten or twelve feet, and towards
this spot now the infuriated horses seemed rushing. Had
it been practicable, a strong man might, by throwing
himself into the water, have caught the horses' heads and
held them back, but the stream swarmed with poisonous
reptiles, which made such an effort almost inevitable death.
It was now a scene of terrible and most exciting
interest. The maddened horses, alternately rising and
sinking, writhed and twisted in agonies of pain. The
men's voices mingled with the gushing torrent and the
splashing water, which rose higher and higher at each
plunge, while a shrill shriek from within the waggon
topped all, and in its cadence seemed to speak a heart
torn with terror. As I looked, the sun had set, and as
speedily as though a curtain had fallen, the soft light of
evening gave way to a grey darkness. I rode down to the
bank, and as I reached it one of the horses, after a terrific
struggle to get free, plunged head foremost down and
disappeared. The other, unable by himself alone to resist
the weight of the waggon, which already was floating in
the stream, swung round with the torrent, and was now
dragging along towards the cataract. The dusky indis-
tinctness even added to the terror of the picture as the
white water splashed up on every side, and at times
seemed actually to cover the whole party in its scattering
foam. The friar, now leaning back, tore open one of the
'Jj , L r\
ti
CON CREGAN 341
curtains, and at the same instant I saw a female arm
stretch out and clasp him, while a shrill cry burst forth
that thrilled to my very heart.
They were already within a few yards of the cataract —
a moment or two more they must be over it and lost ! I
spurred Charry forward, and down we plunged into the
water, without the slightest thought of what was to
follow. Half swimming, half bounding, I reached the
waggon, which now, broadside on the falls, tottered with
every stroke of the fast-rolling river. The Mexican was
standing on the pole and endeavouring to hold back the
horse ; while the friar, ripping the canvas with his knife,
was endeavouring to extricate the female figure, who,
sunk on her knees, seemed utterly incapable of any effort
for her own safety.
Whether maddened by the bite of some monster
beneath the water, or having lost his footing, I know not,
but the horse went over the falls, while the Mexican,
vainly endeavouring to hold him, was carried down with
him; the waggon, reeling with the shock, heeled over to
the side and was fast sinking, when I caught hold of the
outstretched hand of the woman and drew her towards
me. 'Leap — spring towards him,' cried the friar; and
she obeyed the words, and with a bound seated herself
behind me.
Breasting the water bravely Charry bounded on, and
in less than a minute reached the bank, which the friar,
by the aid of a leaping-pole, had gained before us.
Having placed the half-lifeless girl on the sward, I
hastened to see after the poor Mexican. Alas ! of him and
the horse we never saw trace afterwards. We called
aloud, we shouted, and even continued along the stream
for a considerable space, but to no purpose; the poor
fellow had evidently perished — perhaps by a death too
horrible to think of. The friar wrung his hands in agony,
and mingled his thanksgiving for his own safety with
lamentations for his lost companion; and so intent was
342 THE CONFESSIONS OF
he on these themes that he never recognised me, nor,
indeed, seemed conscious of my presence. At last, as we
turned our steps towards where the girl lay, he said, ' Is it
possible that you are the caballero we parted with before
sunset ? '
' Yes,' said I, ' the same. You were loth to accept of my
company, but you see there is a fate in it after all; you
cannot get rid of me so readily.'
'Nor shall we try, senhor,' said the girl passionately,
but with a foreign accent in her words; as she took my
hands and pressed them to her lips.
The friar said something hastily in Spanish, which
seemed a rebuke, for she drew back at once and buried
her face in her mantle.
' Donna Maria is my niece, senhor, and has only just left
the convent of the " Sacred Heart." She knows nothing
of the world, nor what beseems her as a young maiden.'
This the friar spoke harshly, and with a manner that
to me sounded far more in need of an apology than did
the young girl's grateful emotion.
What was to be done became now the question. We
were at least thirty miles from Bexar, and not a village,
nor even a log-hut, between us and that city. To go back
was impossible; so that like practical people we at once
addressed ourselves to the available alternative.
' Picket your beast and let us light a fire,' said Fra
Miguel, with the air of a man who would not waste life in
vain regrets. ' Thank Providence, we have both grass and
water; and although the one always brings snakes, and
the other alligators, it is better than to bivouac on the
Red River, with iron ore in the stream, and hard flints to
sleep on.'
Fastening my beast to a tree, I unstrapped my saddle-
bags and removed my saddle ; disposing which most
artistically in the fashion of an arm-chair for Donna
Maria at the foot of a stupendous beech, I set about the
preparation of a fire. The friar, however, had almost
CON C REGAN 343
anticipated me ; and with both arms loaded with dead
wood sat himself down to construct a species of hearth,
placing a little circle of stones around in such a way as to
give a draught to the blaze.
' We must fast to-night, senhor,' said he ; ' but it will
count to us hereafter. Fan the fire with your hat, it will
soon blaze briskly.'
' If it were not for that young lady,' said I, ' whose
sufferings are far greater than ours '
' Speak not of her, senhor ; Donna Maria de los Dolores
was called after our Mother of Sorrows, and she may as
well begin her apprenticeship to grief. She is the only
child of my brother, who had sent her to be educated at
New Orleans, and is now returning home to see her father
before she takes the veil of her noviciate.'
A very low sigh, so low as only to be audible to myself,
came from beneath the beech-tree, and I threw a handful
of dry chips upon the fire, hoping to catch a glimpse of the
features of my fair fellow-traveller. Fra Miguel, how-
ever, balked my stratagem by topping the fire with a stout
log, as he said, ' You are too spendthrift, senhor ; we shall
need to husband our resources, or we '11 not have enough
for the night long.'
' Would you not like to come nearer to the blaze
sefihora ? ' said I respectfully.
' Thanks, sir, but perhaps '
' Speak out, child,' broke in the father, ' speak out, and
say that you are counting your rosary, and would not
wish to be disturbed. And you, senhor, if I err not, in
your eagerness to aid us, have forgotten to water your
gallant beast — don't lead him to the stream, that would
be unsafe ; take my sombrero : it has often served a like
purpose before now. Twice full is enough for any horse
in these countries.' I would have declined this offer, but I
felt that submission in everything would be my safest
passport to his good opinion, and so, armed with the
' friar's beaver,' I made my way to the stream.
344 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Whatever his eulogies upon the pitcher-like qualities of
his head -piece — to me they seemed most undeserved ; for
scarcely had I filled it than the water ran through like a
sieve. The of tener, too, was the process repeated the less
chance did there appear of success ; for, instead of retain-
ing the fluid at all, the material became so saturated that
it threatened to tear in pieces every time it was filled, and
ere I could lift it was totally empty. Half angry with the
friar, and still more annoyed at my own ineptitude, I
gave up the effort and returned to where I had left him,
confessing my failure as I came forward.
' Steep your 'kerchief in the stream, then, and wash the
beast's mouth,' said he, upon his knees, where, with a
great string of beads, he was engaged with his devotions.
I retired, abashed at my intrusion, and proceeded to do
as I was directed.
'What if all these cares for my horse and all these
devotional exercises were but stratagems to get rid of my
company for a season?' thought I, as I perceived that
scarcely had I left the spot than the friar arose from his
knees and seemed to busy himself about something in the
trees. Full of this impression I made a little circuit of
the place ; and what was my surprise to observe that he
had converted his upper robe of coarse blanket-cloth into
a kind of hammock for Donna Maria, in which, fastened at
either end to the bough of a tree, she was now swinging
to and fro, with apparently all the pleasure of a happy
child.
' Don't you like it, uncle, after all ? ' said she, laughing ;
' it 's exactly what one has read of in Juan Cordova's
stories, to be bivouacking in a great forest, with a great
fire to keep away the jaguars.'
' Hush ! and go to sleep, child. I neither like it for
thee nor myself. There are more dangerous things than
jaguars in these woods.'
' Ah ! you mean the bears, uncle ? '
' I do not,' growled he sulkily.
CON CREGAN 345
' As for snakes, one gets used to them ; besides, they go
into the tall grass.'
' Ay, ay, snakes in the grass, just so ! ' muttered the
friar ; ' but this youth will be back presently, and let him
not hear you talk such silly nonsense. Good-night, good-
night.'
' Good-night,' sighed she, ' but I cannot sleep ; I love so
to see the fireflies dancing through the leaves, and to hear
that rushing river.'
• Hush ! he 's coming,' said the friar ; and all was still.
When I came up, the friar was again sunk in holy
meditation, so that, disposing myself beside the fire, with
my rifle at one side and my pistols at the other, I lay
down to sleep. Although I closed my eyes and lay still, I
did not sleep. My thoughts were full of Donna Maria, of
whom I weaved a hundred conjectures. It was evident
she was young ; her voice was soft and musical too, and
had that pleasant bell-like cadence so indicative of a light
heart and a happy nature. Why was she called the ' Los
Dolores ' ? I asked myself again and again, what had she
in her joyousness to do with grief and care? and why
should she enter a convent and become a nun? These
were questions there was no solving, and apparently, if I
might judge from the cadence of her now deep sigh, no
less puzzling to herself than to me. The more my interest
became excited for her, the stronger grew my dislike to
the friar. That he was a surly old tyrant I perfectly satis-
fied myself. What a pity that I could not rescue her from
such cruelty as easily as I saved her from the cataract !
Would that I could even see her ! There was something
so tormenting in the mystery of her concealment, and so,
I deemed, must she herself feel it. We should be so happy
together, journeying along day by day through the forest !
What tales would I not tell her of my wanderings, and
how I should enjoy the innocence of her surprise at my
travelled wonders ! And all the strange objects of these
wild woods — how they would interest and amuse were
346 THE CONFESSIONS OF
there ' two ' to wonder at and admire them ! How I wished
she might be pretty — what a disappointment if she were
not — what a total rout to all my imaginings if she were
to have red hair — how terrible if she should squint ! These
thoughts at last became too tantalising for endurance, and
so I tried to fall asleep and forget them, but in vain ; they
had got too firm a hold of me, and I could not shake them
off.
It was now about midnight, the fire waxed low, and
the friar was sound asleep. What connection was there
between these considerations and her of whom I was
thinking ? who knows ? I arose and sat up, listening with
eager ear to the low long breathings of the friar, who,
with his round bullet-head pillowed on a pine-log, slept
soundly ; the gentle hum of the leaves, scarcely moved by
the night wind, and the distant sound of the falling water,
were lullabies to his slumber. It was a gorgeous night of
stars — the sky was studded with bright orbs in all the
brilliant lustre of a southern latitude. The fireflies, too,
danced and glittered on every side, leaving traces of the
phosphoric light on the leaves as they passed. The air was
warm and balmy with the rich odour of the cedar and the
acacia — just such a night as one would like to pass in
' converse sweet ' with some dear friend, mingling past
memories with shadowy dreams, and straying along from
bygones to futurity.
I crept over stealthily to where the friar lay : a lively
fear prevailed with me that he might be feigning sleep,
and so I watched him long and narrowly. No ! it was an
honest slumber : the deep guttural of his mellow throat
was beyond counterfeiting. I threw a log upon the fire
carelessly, and with noise, to see if it would awake him ;
but he only muttered a word or two, that sounded like
Latin, and slept on. I now strained my eyes towards the
hammock, of which, under the shadow of a great sycamore-
tree, I could barely detect the outline through the leaves.
Should I be able to discern her features were I to creep
CON CREGAN 347
over? What a difficult question, and how impossible to
decide by mere reasoning upon it. What if I were to try ?
It was a pure piece of curiosity — curiosity of the most
harmless kind. I had been, doubtless, just as eager to
scan the friar's lineaments if he had taken the same pains
to conceal them from me. It was absurd, besides, to travel
with a person and not see their face. Intercourse was a
poor thing without that reciprocity which looks convey —
I '11 have a peep, at all events, said I, summing up to myself
all my arguments ; and with this resolve I moved cautiously
along, and, making a wide circuit, came round to the foot
of the sycamore, at the side most remote from the friar.
There was the hammock almost within reach of my
hand ! it seemed to swing to and fro. I cannot say if this
were mere deception ; and so I crept nearer, just to satisfy
my doubts. At last I reached the side, and peeped in. All
I could see was the outline of a figure wrapped in a mantle,
and a mass of soft silky hair, which fell over and shaded
the face. It was some time before my eyes grew accus-
tomed to the deep shadow of the spot ; but by degrees I
could perceive the profile of a young and beautiful face
resting upon one arm, the other hung negligently at one
side, and the hand drooped over the edge of the hammock.
The attitude was the very perfection of graceful ease, and
such as a sculptor might have modelled. What a study,
too, that hand, whose dimpled loveliness the starlight
speckled ! How could I help touching it with my lips ? —
the first time, with all the hallowed reverence a worshipper
would vouchsafe to some holy relic; the second, with a
more fervent devotion ; the third, I ventured to take the
hand in mine and slightly press it. Did I dream? Could
the ecstasy be no more than fancy ? — I thought the pressure
was returned !
She turned gently around, and in a voice of surpassing
softness whispered, 'Tell me your name, Seiihor Caballero?'
I whispered low, ' Con Cregan.'
* Yes, but what do your sisters call you?'
348 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I I have none, senhora.'
' Your brothers, then ? '
' I never had a brother.'
8 How strange ! nor I either. Then how shall I call you ? '
' Call me your brother,' said I, trying to repossess myself
of the hand she had gently withdrawn from my grasp.
' And will you call me Maria ? ' said she gaily.
' If you permit it, Maria. But how will Fra Miguel
think of it?'
' Ah ! I forgot that. But what can he say ? You saved
my life. I should have been carried away like poor
Sancho but for you. Tell me how you chanced to be
here, and where you are going, and whence you come, and
all about you. Sit down there, on that stone. Nay, you
needn't hold my hand while talking.'
' Yes, but I 'm afraid to be alone here in the dark,
Maria,' said I.
' What a silly creature it is ! Now begin.'
I I 'd rather talk of the future, Maria, dearest. I 'd rather
we should speak of all the happy days we may spend
together.'
' But how so ? Once at Bexar, I 'm to wait at the
monastery till my father sends his mules and people to
fetch me home ; meanwhile you will have wandered away
Heaven knows where.'
' And where do you call home, Maria ? '
' Far away, beyond the Rio Grande, in the gold country,
near Aguaverde.'
' And why should I not go thither ? I am free to turn
my steps whither I will. Perhaps your father would not
despise the services of one who has some smattering of
knowledge upon many a theme.'
' But a caballero — a real senhor — turn miner ! They
are all miners there.'
'No matter: Fortune might favour me, and make me
rich, and then — and then — who is to tell what changes
might follow? The caballero might bid adieu to the
CON CREGAN 349
" Placer," and the fair "Donna Maria" wave a good-bye to
the nunnery — and, by the way, that is a very cruel destiny
they intend for you.'
' Who knows ? I was very happy in the " Sacred Heart.'"
' Possibly, Maria ; but you were a child, and would have
been happy anywhere. But think of the future ; think of
the time when you will be loved, and will love in turn ;
think of that bright world of which the convent-window
does not admit one passing glance. Think of the glorious
freedom to enjoy whatever is beautiful in Nature, and to
feel sympathies with all that is great and good ; and reflect
upon the sad monotony of the cloister — its cold and cheer-
less existence, uncared for, almost unfelt.'
' And when the superior is cross ! ' cried she, holding up
her hands.
' And she is always cross, Maria. That austere habit
repels every generous emotion, as it defies every expansion
of the heart. No, no ; you must not be a nun.'
' Well, I will not,' said she.
' You promise me this, Maria ? '
' Yes, upon one condition : that you will come to the
" Placer" and tell my father all that you have told to me.
He is so good and so kind, he '11 never force me.'
' But will he receive me ? Will your father permit me
so to speak ? '
' You saved my life, senhor,' said she, half proudly, ' and
little as you reckon such a service, it is one upon which
Don Estaban Olares will set some store.'
' Ah ! ' said I, sighing, ' how little merit had I in the feat !
It did not even cause me the slightest injury.'
' I am just as gratified as though you had been eaten by
an alligator, senhor,' said she, laughing with a sly malice
that made me half suspect that some, at least, of her inno-
cence was assumed.
From this we wandered on to speak of the journey for
the morrow, which I proposed she should make upon
Charry, while Fra Miguel and myself accompanied her
350 THE CONFESSIONS OF
on foot. It was also agreed between us that we should
preserve the most rigid reserve and distance of manner in
the friar's presence, rarely noticing or speaking with each
other. One only difficulty existed, which was by what
pretence I should direct my steps to Aguaverde. But here
again Donna Maria's ready wit suggested the expedient, as
she said, laughing, ' Are you not making a pilgrimage to
the shrine of Our Lady des " los Dolores " ?'
' So I am,' said I. ' Shame on me that I should have
forgotten it till now ! '
'Did you never tell me,' said she archly, 'that you
intended to enter " an order" ? '
'Certainly,' said I, joining the merry humour; 'and so
will I, on the very same day you take the veil.'
'And now, holy man,' said she, with difficulty repress-
ing a fresh burst of laughter, 'let us say good-night.
Fra Miguel will awake at daybreak, and I see that is
already near.'
'Good-night, sweet sister,' said I, once again pressing
her fingers to my lips, and scarcely knowing when to re-
linquish them. A heavy sigh from the friar, however,
admonished me to hasten away, and I crept to my place
and lay down beside the now almost extinguished embers
of our fire.
' What a good thought was that of the pilgrimage,' said
I, as I drew my cloak around me ; and I remembered that
Chico's beads and his 'book of offices' were still among
my effects in the saddle-bags, and would greatly favour
my assumption of the pious character. I then tried to
recall some of my forgotten Latin. From this I reverted
to thoughts of Donna Maria herself, and half wondered at
the rapid strides we had accomplished in each other's
confidence. At last I fell asleep, to dream of every in-
congruity and incoherency that ever haunted a diseased
brain. Nunneries, with a crocodile for the abbess, gave
way to scenes in the Placers, where nuns were gold- wash-
ing and friars riding down cataracts on caymans. From
CON CREGAN 351
such pleasant realities a rough shake of Fra Miguel aroused
me, as he cried, 'When a man laughs so heartily in his
sleep, he may chance to keep all the grave thoughts for
his waking. Rise up, senhor; the day is breaking. Let
us profit by the cool hours to make our journey.'
As day was breaking we set out for Bexar in the
manner I had suggested : Donna Maria riding, the friar
and myself, one either side of her, on foot. Resolved upon
winning, so far as might be, Fra Miguel's confidence, I
addressed my conversation almost exclusively to him,
rarely speaking a word to my fair companion, and then
only upon the commonest questions of the way.
As none of us had eaten since the day previous, nor was
there any baiting-place till we reached Bexar, it was
necessary to make the best of our way thither with all
speed. The fra knew the road perfectly, and by his skill
in detecting the marks on trees, the position of certain
rocks, and the course of the streams, gave me some insight
into the acute qualities necessary for a prairie traveller.
These themes, too, furnished the greater portion of our
conversation, which I am free to own offered many a long
interval of dreary silence. The fra's thoughts dwelt
gloomily on his late disaster, while Donna Maria and
myself were condemned to the occasional exchange of
a chance remark, or some question about the road.
Once or twice Fra Miguel questioned me on the subject
of my own history ; but ere I had proceeded any length in
detailing my veracious narrative, an accidental word or
remark would show that he was inattentive to what I
was speaking, and only occupied by his own immediate
reflections.
Why, then, trouble myself with biographical inventions,
which failed to excite any interest ? and so I relapsed into
a silence plodding and moody as his own.
At length the path became too narrow for us all to go
abreast, and as my duties were to guide Charry by the
bridle, I became the companion of Maria by force of
352 THE CONFESSIONS OF
circumstances ; still Fra Miguel kept up close behind, and
however abstracted at other times, he now showed himself
'wide awake' on the subject of our intercourse. Denied
the pleasure of talking to each other, we could at least
exchange glances ; and this was a privilege no surveillance,
however rigid, could deny us. These are small and in-
significant details, which were of little moment at the
time, and led to even less for the future, but I record
them as the first stirrings of love in a heart which might
have been deemed too intent upon its own cares to admit
of others; and here let me observe that the taste for
stratagem — the little wiles and snares inspired by a first
passion — are among the strongest incentives to its origin.
It was the secrecy of our meeting at night, the little
difficulties of our intercourse by day, the peril of discovery
as we spoke together, the danger of detection as we
exchanged glances, that, by giving us a common object,
suggested a common feeling. Both engaged in the same
warfare, how could we avoid sympathising with each
other. Then there was that little dash of romance
about our first meeting so auxiliary to the tender passion ;
and, again, we were wandering, side by side, in a silent
forest, with only one other near us. Would we could have
disposed of him too ! I shame to say it, but, in honest
truth, I often found myself wishing that he had followed
the Mexican !
We halted during the great heat of the day, and the
fra once more ' rigging ' out his capote for a hammock,
Donna Maria lay down for the siesta, while I cut grass
for Charry, and rubbed her down. Long fasting had made
us all more disposed to silence, so that a few monosyllables
were all that passed. When the time came to resume the
road, I am proud to say that the fra bore his privations
with less equanimity than did we. His sighs grew heavy
and frequent ; any accidental interruption on the road
evoked unmistakable signs of irritation ; he even expostu-
lated with certain saints, whose leaden images decorated
cq
CON CREGAN 353
his sombrero, as to the precise reasons for which his
present sufferings were incurred, and altogether, as
hunger pinched, showed a more rebellious spirit than
his holy discourses of the preceding evening could have
led me to suspect.
One time he charged his calamities to the score of
having eaten turtle, which was only half fish, on a Friday ;
at another, it was upon that unlucky day the journey had
been begun ; then he remembered that the Mexican was
only a half-breed, who possibly, if baptized at all, was only
an irregular kind of a Christian, admitted into the fold by
some stray missionary — more trapper than priest. Then
he bethought him that his patron, Saint Michel of Pavia,
was of an uncertain humour, and often tormented his
votaries by way of trying their fidelity. These various
doubts assumed the form of open grumblings, which cer-
tainly inspired very different sentiments in Donna Maria
and myself than edification. As evening closed in, and
darkness favoured us, these ghostly lamentations afforded
us many a low, quiet laugh ; a soft pressure of the hand,
which now, by mere accident of course, she had let fall
near me, would sometimes show how we concurred in our
sentiments, till at length, as the thicker gloom of night
fell around, such was our unanimity that her hand re-
mained clasped in my own without any further attempt
to remove it.
If the fra's gratitude burst forth eloquently as we came
in sight of some spangled lights glittering through the
gloom, our sensations were far more akin to disappoint-
ment.
' Bexar at last ! praised be St. Michel ! ' exclaimed he.
' It has been a long and dreary journey.' Here I pressed
Donna Maria's hand, and she returned the pressure.
' Two days of disaster and sore suffering ! ' Another
squeeze of the sefihora's fingers.
' A time I shall never forget,' muttered he.
' Nor I,' whispered I to my fair companion.
13 z
354 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' A season of trouble and distress ! ' quoth the f ra.
' Of love and happiness ! ' muttered I.
' And now, my worthy young friend,' said he, addressing
me, ' as we are so soon to part — for yonder is Bexar — how
shall we best show our gratitude ? Would you like a
" novena " to " Our Lady of Tears," whose altar is here ? or
shall we vow a candle to St. Nicomede of Terapia ? '
' Thanks, holy father, there is no need for either ; mine
was a slight service, more than requited by the pleasure of
travelling in your company, and that of this pious maiden.
I have learned many a goodly lesson by the way, and will
think over them as I wander on my future pilgrimage.'
' And whither may that tend, senhor ? '
' To the shrine of " Our Lady of Sorrows," at Aguaverde,
by the help of St. Francis.'
' Aguaverde ! ' exclaimed Fra Miguel, with a voice that
bespoke anything rather than pleasure ; ' it is a long and a
dangerous journey, young man !'
' The greater the merit, father ! '
' Trackless wastes and deep rivers, hostile Indians and
even more cruel half-breeds. These are some of the perils,'
said he, in a voice of warning ; but a gentle pressure from
the senhora's fingers was more than an answer to such
terrors.
' You can make your penance here, young man, at the
convent of the missions. There are holy men who will
give you all good counsel ; and I will myself speak to them
for you.'
I was about to decline this polite intervention, when a
quiet gesture from Donna Maria arrested my words and
made me accept the offer with thanks.
Thus chatting, we reached the suburbs of Bexar, and
soon entered the main street of that town ; and here let
me record a strange feature of the life of this land, which,
although one that I soon became accustomed to, had a
most singular aspect to my eyes on first acquaintance. It
was a hot and sultry night of June, the air as dry and
CON CREGAN 355
parched as of a summer day in our English climate, and
we found that the whole population had their beds dis-
posed along the streets, and were sleeping for the benefit
of the cool night air — al fresco. There was no moon, nor
any lamp-light, but by the glimmering stars we could see
this strange encampment, which barely left a passage in
the middle for the mule-carts.
Some of the groups were irresistibly droll : here was
an old lady, with a yellow -and -red handkerchief round
her head, snoring away, while a negro wench waved a
plantain bough to and fro to keep off the musquitoes,
which thronged the spot from the inducement of a little
glimmering lamp to the Virgin over the bed. There was
a thin lantern-jawed old fellow sipping his chocolate
before he resigned himself to sleep. Now and then there
would be a faint scream and a muttered apology, as some
one, feeling his way to his nest, had fallen over the couch
of a sleeper. Mothers were nursing babies, nurses were
singing others to rest ; social spirits were recalling the last
strains of recent convivialities, while others, less genially
given, were uttering their ' Carambas ' in all the vindictive
anger of broken slumber. Now and then a devotional
attitude might be detected, and even some little glimpses
caught of some fair form making her toilette for the
night, and throwing back her dishevelled hair to peer at
the passing strangers.
Such were the scenes that even a brief transit pre-
sented; a longer sojourn, and a little more light, had
doubtless discovered still more singular ones.
We halted at the gate of a large, gloomy-looking
building, which the friar informed me was the 'Venta
Nazionale,' the chief inn of the town ; and by dint of much
knocking, and various interlocutions between Fra Miguel
and a negro, four storeys high, the gates were at length
opened. Faint, hungry, and tired, I had hoped that we
should have supped in company, and thus recompensed me
for my share of the successful issue of the journey ; but
356 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the fra, giving his orders hastily, wished me an abrupt
good-night, and led his niece up the narrow stairs, leaving
me and my mare in the gloomy entrance, like things
whose services were no longer needed.
'This may be Texan gratitude, Fra Miguel,' said I to
myself, ' but certainly you never brought it from your own
country.' Meanwhile the negro, after lighting the others
upstairs, returned to where I was, and perhaps not im-
pressed by any high notions of my quality, or too sleepy
to think much about the matter, sat down on a stone
bench, and looked very much as if about to compose him-
self to another doze. I was in no mood of gentleness, and
so bestowing a hearty kick upon my black ' brother,' I
told him to show me the way to the stable at once. The
answer to this somewhat rude summons was a strange
one — he gave a kind of grin that showed all his teeth,
and made a species of hissing noise, like ' Cheet, cheet,'
said rapidly — a performance I had never witnessed before,
nor, for certain reasons, have I any fancy to witness again.
'Do you hear me, black fellow?' cried I, tapping his
bullet-head with the end of my heavy whip, pretty much
as one does a tavern-table to summon the waiter.
' Cheet, cheet, cheet,' cried he again, but with redoubled
energy.
' Confound your jargon,' said I angrily ; ' get up out of
that and lead the way to the stable.' This speech I accom-
panied by another admonition from my foot, given, I am
free to own, with all the irritable impatience of a thirty
hours' fast.
The words had scarcely passed my lips ere the fellow
sprang to his legs, and with a cry like the scream of an
infuriated beast, dashed at me. I threw out my arm as a
guard, but stooping beneath it, he plunged a knife into my
side and fled. I heard the heavy bang of the great door
resound as he rushed out, and then fell to the ground,
weltering in my blood !
I made a great effort to cry out, but my voice failed
CON CREGAN
357
me; the blood ran fast from my wound, and a chill,
sickening sensation crept over me, that I thought must
be death. ' Tis hard to die thus,' was the thought that
visited me, and it was the last effort of consciousness
ere I swooned into insensibility.
THE LAZARETTO OP BEXAR
IND-HEARTED reader— you who
have sympathised with so many
of the rubs that fortune ha,s dealt us, who have watched
us with a benevolent interest in our warfare with an
adverse destiny, who have marked our struggles and
witnessed our defeats, will surely compassionate our sad
fate when we tell you that when the curtain next rises on
our drama it presents us no longer what we had been !
Con Cregan, the light-hearted vagrant, paddling his
358 THE CONFESSIONS OF
lone canoe down life's stream in joyous merriment, him-
self sufficing to himself, his eyes ever upward as his hopes
were onward, his crest an eagle's, and his motto ' higher,'
was no more. He had gone — vanished, been dissipated
into thin air ; and, in his place there sat, too weak to walk,
a poor emaciated creature, with shaven head and shrunken
limbs, a very wreck of humanity, pale, sallow, and miser-
able as fever and flannel could paint him.
Yes, gentle reader, under the shade of a dwarf fig-tree,
in the Leper Hospital of Bexar, I sat, attired in a whole
suit of flannel, of a pale-brown tint, looking like a faded
flea — all my gay spirits fled, and my very identity merged
into the simple fact that I was known as ' Convalescent,
No. 303,' an announcement which, for memory's sake
perhaps, was stamped upon the front of my nightcap.
Few people are fortunate enough not to remember the
strange jumble of true and false, the incoherent tissue of
fact and fancy, which assails the first moments of recovery
from illness. It is a pitiable period, with its thronging
thoughts, all too weighty for the light brain that should
bear them. You follow your ideas like an ill-mounted
horseman in a hunt : no sooner have you caught a glimpse
of the game than it is lost again ; on you go, wearied by
the pace but never cheered by success ; often tumbling
into a slough, missing your way, and mistaking the object
of pursuit ; such are the casualties in either case, and they
are not enviable ones.
Now, lest I should seem to be a character of all others
I detest, a grumbler without cause, let me ask the reader
to sit beside me for a few seconds on this bench, and look
with me at the prospect around him. Yonder, that large
white building, with grated windows, gaol-like and sad, is
the Leper Hospital of Bexar, an institution originally
intended for the sick of that one malady, but, under the
impression of its being contagious, generously extended
to those labouring under any other disease. The lepers
are that host who sit in groups upon the grass, at cards or
CON CREGAN 359
dice, or walk in little knots of two or three. Their
shambling gait and crippled figures — the terrible evidence
of their malady — twisted limbs, contorted into every
horrible variety of lameness, hands with deficient fingers,
faces without noses, are the ordinary symbols. The voices,
too, are either husky and unnatural, or reduced to a thin
reedy treble, like the wail of an infant. Worse than all,
far more awful to contemplate, to him exposed to such
companionship, their minds would appear more diseased
than even their bodies ; some evincing this aberration by
traits of ungovernable passion, some by the querulous
irritability of peevish childhood, and some by the fatuous
vacuity of idiocy; and here am I, gazing upon all this,
and speculating, by the aid of a little bit of broken
looking-glass, how long it is probable that I shall retain
the ' regulation ' number of the human features.
Ah, you gentlemen of England, who live at home at
ease, may smile at such miseries ; but let me tell you, that
however impertinent you might deem him who told you
■ to follow your nose,' the impossibility of compliance is a
yet heavier infliction, and it was with a trembling eager-
ness that each morning, as I awoke, I consulted the map
of my face to be sure that I was master of each geo-
graphical feature.
While all who may break a leg or cut a blood-vessel are
reckoned fit subjects to expose to the risk of this con-
tagion, the most guarded measures are adopted to protect
the world without the walls from every risk. Not only is
every leper denied access to his friends and family, but
even written communication is refused him, while sentinels
are stationed at short intervals around the grounds, with
orders to fire upon any who should attempt an escape.
Here then was I in gaol, with the danger of a horrible
disease superadded. Algebraically, my case stood thus : —
Letting the letter P represent a prison, L the leprosy, and
N my nose, P + L — N being equal to any given number of
deaths by torture. Such was my case, such my situation ;
360 THE CONFESSIONS OF
while of the past, by what chain of events I came to be
thus a prisoner, I knew nothing. A little memoir at the
head of my bed set forth that I was ' a case of punctured
wound in the thorax,' with several accessory advantages,
not over intelligible by my ignorance, but which I guessed
to imply, that if the doctor didn't finish me off at once,
there was every chance of my slipping away by a lingering
malady — some one of those 'chest affections,' that make
the fortunes of doctors, but are seldom so profitable to the
patients.
One fact was, however, very suggestive. It was above
four months since the date of my admission to the hospital,
a circumstance that vouched for the gravity of my illness,
as well as showing what a number of events might have
occurred in the interval.
Four months ! and where was Donna Maria now ? Had
she forgotten me — forgotten the terrible scene on the
Colorado — forgotten the starlit night in the forest?
Had they left me without any interest in my future —
deserted me, wounded, perhaps dying? — a sad return
for the services I had rendered them! That Fra Miguel
should have done this would have caused me no surprise ;
but the sehhora — she who sprang by a bound into intimacy
with me, and called me brother ! Alas ! if this were so,
what faith could be placed in woman ?
In vain I sought information on these points from those
around me. My Spanish was not the very purest Castilian,
it is true, but here another and greater obstacle to know-
ledge existed — no one cared anything for the past and very
little for the future. The last event that held a place in
their memory was the day of their admission ; the fell
malady was the centre round which all thoughts revolved,
and I was regarded as a kind of visionary when asking
about circumstances that occurred before I entered the
hospital. There were vague and shadowy rumours about
me and my adventure — so much I could find out; but what-
ever these were, scarcely two agreed on — not one cared.
CON C REGAN 361
Some said I had killed a priest — others averred it was a
negro — a few opined that I had done both ; and an old
mulatto woman, with a face like a target, the bull's-eye
being represented by where the nose ought to be, related a
more connected narrative about my having stolen a horse,
and being overtaken by a negro slave of the owner, who
rescued the animal and stabbed me.
All the stories tallied in one particular, which was in
representing me as a fellow of the most desperate character
and determination, and who cared as little for shedding
blood as spilling water — traits, I am bound to acknowledge,
which never appeared to lower me in general esteem. Of
course, all inquiries as to my horse, poor Charry — my
precious saddle-bags, my rifle, my bowie-knife, and my
' Harper's Ferry,' would have proved less than useless —
actually absurd. The patients would have reckoned such
questions as little vagaries of mental wandering, and the
servants of the house never replied to anything.
My next anxiety was, when I should be at liberty?
The doctor, when I asked him, gave a peculiar grin, and
said, ' We cannot spare you, amigo ; we shall want to
look at your pericardium one of these days. / say it is
perforated — Don Emanuel says not. Time will tell who 's
right.'
' You mean when I 'm dead, senhor, of course ? ' cried I,
not fancying the chance of resolving the difficulties by
being carved alive.
1 Of course I do,' said he. ' Yours is a very instructive
case ; and I shall take care that your heart and a portion
of the left lung be carefully injected, and preserved in the
museum.'
' May you live a thousand years ! ' said I, bowing my
gratitude, while a chill crept over me that I thought I
should have fainted.
I have already mentioned that sentries were placed at
intervals round the walls to prevent escape, a precaution
which, were one to judge from the desolate and crippled
362 THE CONFESSIONS OF
condition of the inmates, savoured of over care. A few
were able to crawl along upon crutches, the majority were
utterly helpless, while the most active were only capable
of creeping up the bank which formed the boundary of
the grounds, to look down into the moat beneath, a descent
of some twenty feet, but which, to imaginations such as
theirs, was a gulf like the crater of a volcano.
Whenever a little group, then, would station themselves
on the ' heights,' as they were called, and gaze timidly into
the depths below, the guards, far from dispersing them,
saw that no better lesson could be administered than what
their own fears suggested, and prudently left them to the
admonitions of their terrors. I remembered this fact, and
resolved to profit by it. If death were to be my lot, it
could not come anywhere with more horrors than here,
so that, happen what might, I resolved to make an effort
at escape. The sentry's bullet had few terrors for one
who saw himself surrounded by such objects of suffering
and misery, and who daily expected to be one of their
number. Were the leap to kill me, a circumstance that
in my weak and wounded condition I judged far from
unlikely, it was only anticipating a few days — and what
days were they !
Such were my calculations, made calmly and with
reflection. Not that I was weary of life ; were the world
but open to me, I felt I should resume all my former zest
in its sayings and doings — nay, I even fancied that the
season of privation would give a higher colour to my
enjoyment of it; and I know that the teachings of
adversity are not the least useful accessories of him
whose wits must point the road to fortune. True is it,
the emergencies of life evoke the faculties and develop
the resources, as the storm and the shipwreck display the
hardy mariner. Who knows, Con, but good -luck may
creep in even through a punctured wound in the thorax !
As the day closed, the patients were always recalled by
a bell, and patrol parties of soldiers went round to see if
CON CREGAN 363
by accident any yet lingered without the walls. The per-
formance of this duty was, however, most slovenly, since, as
I have already said, escape never occurred to those whose
apathy of mind and infirmity of body had made them
indifferent to everything. I lingered, then, in a distant
alley as the evening began to fall, and when the bell rung
out its dismal summons I trembled to think — was it the
last time I should ever hear it ! It was a strange thrill of
mingled hope and terror. Where should I be the next
evening at that hour ? Free, and at liberty — a wanderer
wherever fancy might lead me, or the occupant of some
narrow bed beneath the earth, sleeping the sleep that
knows no waking? And, if so, who could less easily be
missed than him who had neither friend, nor family, nor
fortune. I felt that my departure, like that of some insig-
nificant guest, would meet notice from none : not one to
ask what became of him ? when did he leave us ? to whom
did he say farewell ?
If there was something unspeakably sad in the solitude
of such a fate, there was that also which nerved the heart
by a sense of self-sufficiency — the very brother of inde-
pendence ; and this thought gave me courage as I looked
over the grassy embankment and peered into the gloomy
fosse, which now, in the indistinct light, seemed far deeper
than ever. A low marshy tract, undrained and unin-
habitable, surrounded the ' Lazaretto ' for miles ; and if
this insalubrious neighbourhood assisted in keeping up
the malaria of fever, it compensated, on the other hand,
by interposing an unpopulated district between the sick
and the healthy.
These dreary wastes, pathless and untrodden, were a
kind of fabulous region among the patients for all kind of
horrors, peopled as the fancy of each dictated by the spirits
of departed Uperos, by venomous serpents and cobras
or by escaped galley-slaves, who led a life of rapine and
murder. The flitting jack-o'-lantern that often skimmed
along the surface, the wild cry of the plover, the dreary
364 THE CONFESSIONS OF
night wind sighing over miles of plain, aided these super-
stitions, and convinced many whose stubborn incredulity
demanded corroboration from the senses. As for myself,
if very far from crediting the tales I had so often listened
to, the theme left its character of gloom upon my mind;
and it was with a cold shudder that I strained my eyes
over the wide distance, from which a heavy exhalation was
already rising. Determined to derive comfort from every
source, I bethought me that the misty fog would assist
my concealment, as if it were worth while to pursue me
through a region impregnated with all the vapours of
disease ! The bell had ceased, the bang of the great iron
wicket had resounded, and all was still. I hesitated, I
know not why; a moment before, my mind was made
up, and now it seemed like self-destruction to go on!
Here was life ! a sad and terrible existence truly ; but was
the dark grave better? or, if it were, had I the right
to make the choice? — this was a subtlety that had not
occurred till now. The dull tramp of the patrol routed
my musings, as in quick time a party advanced up the
alley towards me. They were not visible from the dark-
ness, but the distance could not be great, and already I
could hear the corporal urging them forward, as the mists
were rising, and a deadly fog gathering over the earth.
Any longer delay now, and my project must be abandoned
for ever, seeing that my lingering outside the walls would
expose me to close surveillance for the future.
I arose suddenly and advanced to the very edge of the
cliff : would that I could only have scanned the depth
below, and seen where I was about to go ! Alas ! darkness
was on all; a foot beneath where I stood all was black and
undistinguishable.
The patrol were now about thirty paces from me ;
another instant and I should be taken ! I clasped my
hands together convulsively, and with drawn-in breath
and clenched lips I bent my knees to spring. Alas, they
would not ! my strength failed me at this last moment,
CON CREGAN 365
and instead of a leap, my limbs relaxed, and, tottering
under me, gave way. I lost my balance and fell over the
cliff ! Grasping the grassy surface with the energy of
despair, I tore tufts of long grass and fern as I fell down
— down — down — till consciousness left me, to be rallied
again into life by a terrible ' squash ' into a reedy swamp
at the bottom. Up to my waist in duck-weed and muddy
water, I soon felt, however, that I had sustained no other
injury than a shock — nay, even fancied that the concussion
had braced my nerves; and as I looked up at the dark
mass of wall above me, I knew that my fall must have
been terrific.
Neither my bodily energy nor my habiliments favoured
me in escaping from this ditch, but I did rescue myself at
last ; and then remembering that I must reach some place
of refuge before day broke, I set out over the moor, my
only pilotage being the occasionally looking back at the
lights of the hospital, and in sailor-fashion using them as
my point of departure. When creeping along the walks
of the Lazaretto I was barely able to move, and now,
such a good ally is a strong will, I stepped out boldly
and manfully.
As I walked on, the night cleared : a light fresh breeze
dissipated the vapour and refreshed me as I went, while
overhead, myriads of bright stars shone out, and served to
guide me on the trackless waste. If I often felt fatigue
stealing over me, a thought of the Lazaretto and its
fearful inmates nerved me to new efforts. Sometimes, so
possessed did I become with these fears, that I actually
increased my speed to a run, and thus exerting myself to
the very utmost, I made immense progress, and, ere day
began to break, found myself at the margin of the moor,
and the entrance to a dense forest, which I remembered
often to have seen of a clear evening from the garden of
the Lazaretto. With what gratitude did I accept that
leafy shade which seemed to promise me its refuge ! I
threw my arms around a tree in the ecstasy of my delight.
366 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and felt that now indeed I had gained a haven of rest and
safety. By good fortune, too, I came upon a pathway ; a
small piece of board nailed to a tree bore the name of a
village, but this I could not read in the half-light ; still it
was enough that I was sure of a beaten track, and could
not be lost in the dense intricacies of a pine-forest.
The change of scene encouraged me to renewed exer-
tion, and I began to feel that, so far from experiencing
fatigue, each mile I travelled supplied me with greater
energy, and that my strength rose each hour, as I left the
Lazaretto farther behind me.
' Ah, Con, my boy, fortune has not taken leave of you
yet!' said I, as I discovered that my severe exercise, far
from being injurious, as I had feared, was already bringing
back the glow of health to my frame and spirit to my heart.
There is something unspeakably calming in the solitude
of a forest ; unlike the lone sensations inspired by the sea
or the prairie, the feeling is one of peaceful quietude.
The tempered sunlight stealing through the leaves and
boughs entangled ; the giant trunks that tell of centuries
ago ; the short, smooth, mossy turf through which the tiny
rivulet runs without a channel; the little vistas opening
like alleys, or ending in some shady nook, bowerlike and
retired, fill the mind with a myriad of pleasant fancies.
Instead of wandering forth over the immensity of space,
as when contemplating the great ocean or the desert, the
heart here falls back upon itself, and is satisfied with the
little world around it.
Such were my reveries as I lay down beneath a tree, at
first to muse and then to sleep, and such a sleep as only
a weary foot-traveller knows, who, stretched under the
shade of a spreading tree, lies dreamless and lost. It must
have been late ere I awoke ; the sunlight came slanting
obliquely through the leaves, and bespoke the decline of
day. I rose ; at first my limbs were stiff and rigid, and my
sensations those of debility; but after a little time my
strength came back and I strode along freely. Con-
CON CREGAN 367
tinuing the path, I came, after about three hours' fast
walking, to a little open spot in the wood, where the
remains of a hut, and the charred fragments of firewood,
indicated a bivouac ; some morsels of black bread strewn
about, and a stray piece of dried venison, argued that the
party who had left them had but recently quitted the
spot. Very grateful for the negligent abundance of their
waste, I sat down, and by the aid of a little spring, the
reason, probably, of the selection of the spot for a halt,
made a capital supper, some chestnuts that had fallen
from the trees furnishing a delicious dessert. Night was
fast closing in, and I resolved on passing it where I was,
the shelter of the little hut being too tempting a refuge to
relinquish easily. The next morning I started early, my
mind fully satisfied that I was preceded by some foot
party, the path not admitting of any other, with whom,
by exertion, I should be perhaps able to come up. I
walked from day to dawn with scarcely an interval of
rest; but, although the tracks of many feet showed me
my conjecture was right, I did not succeed in overtaking
them. Towards evening I again came upon their bivouac-
ground, which was even more abundantly provided than
the preceding one. They appeared to have killed a buck,
and though having roasted an entire side, had contented
themselves with some steaks off the quarter. Upon this I
feasted luxuriously, securing a sufficient provision to last
me for the next two or three days.
In this way I continued to travel for eight entire days,
each successive one hoping to overtake the party in
advance; and if disappointed in this expectation, well
pleased with the good-luck that had supplied me so far
with food, and made my journey safe and pleasant, for it
was both. A single beast of prey I never met with, nor
even a serpent larger than the common green snake,
which is neither venomous nor bold ; and, as for pleasure,
I was free. Was not that alone happiness for him who
had been a prisoner among the leperos of Bexar ?
368 THE CONFESSIONS OF
On the ninth day of my wandering, certain unmis-
takable signs indicated that I was approaching the verge
of the forest: the grass became deeper, the wood less
dense; the undergrowth, too, showed the influence of
winds and currents of air. These, only appreciable by
him who has watched with anxious eyes every little
change in the aspect of nature, became at last evident to
the least observant in the thickened bark and the twisted
branches of the trees, on which the storms of winter were
directed. Shall I own it ? — my heart grew heavy at these
signs, boding, as they did, another change of scene, and
to what? Perhaps the bleak prairie stretching away in
dreary desolation! Perhaps some such tract of swampy
moor, where forests once had stood, but now, lying in
mere waste of rottenness and corruption. ' Clearings,' as
they are called — the little intervals which hard industry
plants amid universal wildness — I could not hope for, since
I had often heard that no settlers ever selected these
places, to which access by water was difficult, and the
roads few and bad. What, then, was to come next ? Not
the sea-coast — that must be miles away to the eastward ;
not the chain of the Rocky Mountains — they lay equally
far to the west.
While yet revolving these thoughts, I reached the
verge of the wood; and suddenly, and without anything
which might apprise me of this singular change, I found
myself standing on the verge of a great bluff of land
overlooking an apparently boundless plain. The sight
thus unexpectedly presented of a vast prairie — for such it
was — was overwhelming in its intense interest. My posi-
tion, from a height of some seven or eight hundred feet,
gave me an uninterrupted view over miles and miles of
surface. Towards the far west a ridge of rugged mountains
could be seen, but to the south and east a low flat horizon
bounded the distance. The surface of this great tract was
covered for a short space by dry cedars, apparently killed
by a recent fire; beyond that, a tall, rank grass grew,
CON CREGAN 369
through which I could trace something like a road. This
was, as I afterwards learned, a buffalo-trail, these animals
frequently marching in close column when in search of
water. The sun was setting as I looked, and gilded the
whole vast picture with its yellow glory ; but as it sank
beneath the horizon, and permitted a clearer view of the
scene, I could perceive that everything — trees, grass, earth
itself — presented one uniform dry, burnt-up appearance.
Not a creature of any kind was seen to move over this
great plain; not a wing cleaved the air above; not a
sound broke the stillness beneath. It was a solitude the
most complete I ever conceived — grand and imposing.
How my heart sank within me as I sat and looked,
thinking I was there alone, without one creature near
me, to linger out, perhaps, some few days or hours of life,
and die unseen, unwatched, uncared for ! And to this sad
destiny had ambition brought me ! Were it not for the
craving desire to become something above my station — to
move in a sphere to which neither my birth nor my
abilities gave me any title — and I should be now the
humble peasant, living by my daily labour in my native
land, my thoughts travelling in the worn track those of
my neighbours journeyed, and I neither better nor worse
off than they.
And for this wish — insensate, foolish, as it was — the
expiation is indeed heavy. I hid my head within my
hands and tried to pray, but I could not. The mind
harassed by various conflicting thoughts is not in the best
mood for supplication. I felt like the criminal of whom I
had once read, that when the confessor came to visit him
the night before his execution, seemed eager and attentive
for a while, but at last acknowledged that his thoughts
were centred upon one only theme — escape ! ' To look
steadfastly at the next world you must extinguish the
light of this one ' ; and how difficult is that ! — how hard to
close every chink and fissure through which hope may
dart a ray! — hope of life, hope of renewing the struggle
13 2 a
370 THE CONFESSIONS OF
in which we are so often defeated, and where even the
victory is without value.
' Be it so,' sighed I, at last ; ' the game is up ! ' and I
lay down at the foot of a rock to die. My strength, long
sustained by expectation, had given way at last, and I felt
that the hour of release could not be distant. I drew my
hand across my eyes — I am ashamed to own there were
tears there — and just then, as if my vision had been cleared
by the act, I saw, or I thought I saw, in the plain beneath,
the glittering sparkle of flame. Was it the reflection of a
star, of which thousands were now studding the sky, in
some pool of rain-water ? No ! it was real fire, which now,
from one red spark, burst forth into a great blaze, rolling
out volumes of black smoke, which rose like a column into
the air.
Were they Indians who made it, or trappers ? or could
it be the party in whose track I had so long been following;
and, if so, by what path had they descended ? Speculation
is half-brother to hope. No sooner had I begun to canvass
this proposition than it aroused my drooping energies
and rallied my failing courage.
I set about to seek for some clue to the descent, and by
the moonlight, which was now full and strong, I detected
foot-tracks in the clayey soil near the verge of the cliff,
A little after I found a narrow pathway, which seemed
to lead down the face of the bluff. The trees were
scratched, too, in many places with marks familiar to
prairie travellers, but which to me only betokened the
fact that human hands had been at "work upon them. I
gained courage by these, which, at least, I knew were
not 'Indian signs,' no more than the foot-tracks were
those of Indian feet.
The descent was tedious, and often perilous ; the path,
stopping abruptly short at rocks, from which the interval
to the next footing should be accomplished by a spring,
or a drop of several feet, was increased in danger by the
indistinct light. In the transit I received many a sore
CON CREGAN 371
bruise, and ere I reached the bottom my flannel drapery
was reduced to a string of rags which would have done no
credit to a scarecrow.
When looking from the top of the cliff, the fire appeared
to be immediately at its foot ; but now I perceived it stood
about half a mile off in the plain. Thither I bent my steps,
half fearing, half hoping, what might ensue. So wearied
was I by the fatigue of the descent, added to the long day's
journey, that even in this short space I was often obliged
to halt and take rest. Exhaustion, hunger, and lassitude
weighed me down, till I went along with that half -despair-
ing effort a worn-out swimmer makes as his last before
sinking.
A more pitiable object it would not be easy to picture.
The blood oozing from my wound, reopened by the exer-
tion, had stained my flannel dress, which, ragged and torn,
gave glimpses of a figure reduced almost to a skeleton.
My beard was long, adding to the seeming length of my
gaunt and lantern jaws, blue with fatigue and fasting.
My shoes were in tatters, and gave no protection to my
bleeding feet ; while my hands were torn and cut by grasp-
ing the rocks and boughs in my descent. Half stumbling,
half tottering, I came onward, till I found myself close to
the great fire at the base of a mound — a 'prairie roll,'
as it is called — which formed a shelter against the east
wind.
Around the immense blaze sat a party, some of whom
in shadow, others in strong light, presented a group the
strangest ever my eyes beheld. Bronzed and bearded
countenances, whose fierce expression glowed fiercer in
the ruddy glare of the fire, were set off by costumes the
oddest imaginable.
Many wore coats of undressed sheepskin, with tall caps
of the same material ; others had ragged uniforms of
different services. One or two were dressed in ' ponchos '
of red-brown cloth, like Mexicans, and some again had
a kind of buff coat, studded with copper ornaments — a
372 THE CONFESSIONS OF
costume often seen among the half-breeds. All agreed in
one feature of equipment, which was a broad leather
belt or girdle, in which were fastened various shining im-
plements, of which a small pick-axe and a hammer were
alone distinguishable where I stood. Several muskets
were piled near them, and on the scorched boughs of the
cedars hung a little armoury of cutlasses, pistols, and
' bowies,' from which I was able to estimate the company
at some twenty-eight or thirty in number. Packs and
knapsacks, with some rude cooking utensils, were strewn
around; but the great carcass of a deer which I saw in
the flames, supported by a chevaux de frise of ramrods,
was the best evidence that the cares of cuisine did not
demand any unnecessary aid from casseroles.
A couple of great earthen pitchers passed rapidly from
hand to hand round the circle, and, by the assistance
of some blackhead, served to beguile the time while the
' roast ' was being prepared.
Creeping noiselessly nearer, I gained a little clump of
brushwood scarcely more than half-a-dozen paces off, and
then lay myself down to listen what language they were
speaking. At first the whole buzz seemed one unmeaning
jargon, more like the tongue of an Indian tribe than
anything else; but as I listened I could detect words of
French, Spanish, and German. Eager to make out some
clue to what class they might belong, I leaned forward on
a bough and listened attentively. A stray word — a chance
phrase, could I but catch so much, would be enough ; and
I bent my ear with the most watchful intensity. The spot
I occupied was the crest of the little ridge, or ' prairie roll,'
and gave me a perfect view over the group, while the
black smoke rolling upwards effectually concealed me
from them.
As I listened, I heard a deep husky voice say something
in English. It was only an oath, but it smacked of my
country, and set my heart a-throbbing powerfully. I lay
out upon the branch to catch what might follow, when
CON CREGAN 373
smash went the frail timber, and, with a cry of terror,
down I rolled behind them. In a second every one was
on his legs, while a cry of ' The jaguars ! the jaguars ! '
resounded on all sides. The sudden shock over, their
discipline seemed perfect ; for the whole party had at
once betaken themselves to their arms, and stood in a
hollow square prepared to receive any attack. Meanwhile,
the smoke and the falling rubbish effectually shut me out
from view. As these cleared away they caught sight of
me, and truly never was a formidable file of musketry
directed upon a more pitiable object. Such seemed their
own conviction, for, after a second or two passed in steady
contemplation of me, the whole group burst out into a
roar of savage laughter. ' What is 't ? ' 'It 's not human ? '
being the exclamations which, in more than one strange
tongue, were uttered.
Unable to speak, in part from terror, in part from the
shock, I sat up on my knees, and, gesticulating with
my hands, implored their mercy and bespoke my own
defencelessness. I conclude that I made a very sorry
exhibition, for again the laughter burst forth in louder
tones than before, when one, taking a brand of the burn-
ing firewood, came nearer to examine me. He threw
down his torch, and, springing backward with horror,
screamed out, ' A Upero ! a l&pero ! ' In a moment every
musket was again raised to the shoulder and directed
towards me.
1 1 'm not a Upero — never was ! ' cried I, in Spanish. ' I 'm
a poor Englishman, who has made his escape from the
Lazaretto.' I could not utter more, but fell powerless to
the earth.
' I know him ; we were messmates,' cried a gruff voice.
' Halt ! avast there ! don't fire ! I say, my lad, crawl over
to leeward of the fire. There, that will do. Dash a bucket
of water over him, Perez.'
Perez obeyed with a vengeance, for I was soaked to the
skin, and at the same time exposed to the scorching glare
374 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of the great fire, where I steamed away like a swamp at
sundown.
' An't you Cregan, I say ? ' cried the same English voice
which spoke before: 'an't you little Con, as we used to
call you ? '
' Yes,' said I, overjoyed by the recognition, without
knowing by whom it was made, ' I am the little Con you
speak of.'
' Ah ! I remembered your voice the moment I heard it,'
said he. ' Don't you remember me ? '
' Caramba I ' broke in a savage-looking Spaniard, ' we 're
not going to catch a leprosy for the sake of your reminis-
cences. Tell the fellow to move off, or I'll send a bullet
through him.'
< And I '11 follow you.'
'And I — and I,' cried two or three more, who, suiting
the action to the speech, threw back the pan of the flint-
muskets to examine the priming.
'And shall I tell you what I'll do?' said the English-
man. 'I'll lay the first fellow's skull open with this
hanger that fires a shot at him.'
' Will you so ? ' said a thin, athletic fellow, springing to
his legs, and drawing a long narrow-bladed knife from his
girdle.
' A truce there, Rivas,' said another ; ' would you quarrel
with the captain for a miserable lepero ? '
' He 's not a captain of my making,' said Rivas sulkily.
' I don't care of whose making,' said the Englishman, in
his broken Spanish ; ' I 'm the leader of this expedition — if
any one deny it, let him stand out and say so. If half a
dozen of you deny it, come out one by one — I ask nothing
better than to show you who 's the best man here.'
A low muttering followed this speech, but whether
it were of admiration or anger, I could not determine.
Meanwhile my own resolve was formed, as, gathering my
limbs together, I rolled upon one knee and said —
'Hear me for one instant, sehhors. It would be un-
CON CREGAN 375
worthy of you to quarrel about an object so poor and
worthless as I am. Although not a lepero, I have made
my escape from the Lazaretto, and travelled hither on
foot, with little clothing and less food — an hour or two
more will finish what fatigue and starving have all but
accomplished. If you will be kind enough to throw me a
morsel of bread, and give me time to move away, I '11 try
and do it ; or, if you prefer doing the humane thing, you '11
come a few paces nearer and send a volley into me.'
' I vote for the last,' shouted one ; but, strange to say,
none seconded his motion. A change had come over them,
possibly by the very recklessness of my own proposal. At
last one called out, ' Creep away some fifty yards or so, and
burn those rags of yours — we'll give you something to
wear instead of them.'
' Ay — just so,' said another ; ' the poor devil doesn't
deserve death for what he 's done.'
' That 's spoken like honest fellows and good comrades,'
said the Englishman. ' And now, my hearty, move down
to leeward there, and put on your new toggery, and we '11
see if a hot supper won't put some life in you.'
I could scarcely credit my own alacrity, as this prospect
of better days inspired me with fresh vigour ; I recovered
my feet at once, and in something -which I intended should
resemble a trot, set out in the direction indicated, and
where already a small bundle of clothes had been placed
for my acceptance.
A piece of lighted charcoal and some firewood also
apprised me of the office required at my hands, and which
I performed with a most hearty good- will ; and as I threw
the odious rags into the flames, I felt that I was saying
adieu to the last tie that bound me to the horrible Lazar-
etto of Bexar.
' Let him join us now,' said the Englishman ; ' though
I think if the poor fellow has walked from Bexar, you
might have been satisfied he couldn't carry the leprosy
with him.'
376 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'I've known it go with a piece of gun- wad ding from
Bexar to the Rio del Norte,' said one.
' I saw a fellow who caught it from the rind of a water-
melon a Upero had thrown away.'
'There was a comrade of ours at Puerta Naval took
it from sitting on the bench beside a well on the road
where a lepero had been resting the day before,' cried
a third.
' Let him sit yonder, then,' said the Englishman.
' You 're more af eard of that disease than the bite of a
cayman; though you needn't be squeamish most of you,
if it 's your beauty you were thinking of.'
And thus, amid many a tale of the insidious character
of this fell disorder, and many a rude jest on the score
of precaution against it, I was ordered to seat myself
at about a dozen or twenty paces distant, and receive my
food as it was thrown towards me by the others — too
happy at this humble privilege to think of anything but
the good fortune of such a meeting.
' Don't you remember me yet ? ' cried the Englishman,
standing where the full glare of the fire lit up his marked
features.
' Yes,' said I, ' you 're Halkett.'
' To be sure I am, lad. I 'm glad you don't forget me.'
' How should I ? This is not the first time you saved
my life.'
' I scarcely thought I had succeeded so well,' said he,
' when we parted last — but you must tell me all about that
to-morrow, when you are rested and refreshed. The crew
here is not very unlike what you may remember aboard
the yacht — don't cross them, and you '11 do well with them.'
' What are they ? ' said I eagerly.
' Gambusinos,' said he, in a low voice.
' Bandits ? ' whispered I, misconceiving the word.
'Not quite,' rejoined he, laughing; 'though, I've no
doubt, ready to raise a dollar that way if any one could be
found in these wild parts a little richer then themselves';
CON CREGAN 377
with this, he commended me to a sound sleep, and the
words were scarcely spoken ere I obeyed the summons.
Before day broke I was aroused by the noise of
approaching departure ; the band were strapping on knap-
sacks, slinging muskets, and making other preparations
for the march — Halkett, as their captain, carrying nothing
beyond his weapons, and in his air and manner assuming
all the importance of command.
The Upero, as I was called, was ordered to follow the
column at about a hundred paces to the rear ; but as I was
spared all burden in compassion to my weak state, I
readily compounded for this invidious position by the
benefits it conferred. A rude meal of rye bread and cold
venison, with some coffee, made our breakfast, and away
we started, our path lying through the vast prairie I have
already spoken of.
As during my state of quarantine, which lasted seven
entire days, we continued to march along over a dreary
tract of monotonous desolation — nothing varying the dull
uniformity of each day's journey, save the chance sight of
a distant herd of buffaloes, the faint traces of an Indian
war-party, or the blackened embers of a bivouac — I will
not weary my readers by dwelling on my own reflections
as I plodded on: enough when I say, they were oftener
sad than otherwise. The uncertainty regarding the object
of my fellow-travellers harassed my mind by a thousand
odd conjectures. It was clear they were not merchants,
neither could they be hunters, still less a war-party —
one of those marauding bands, which on the Texan
frontier of Mexico levy blackmail upon the villagers,
on the plea of a pretended protection against the
Indians. Although well armed, neither their weapons,
their discipline, nor, still less, their numbers, argued in
favour of this suspicion. What they could possibly be,
then, was an insurmountable puzzle to me. I knew they
were called Gambusinos — nothing more. Supposing that
some of my readers may not be wiser than I then was, let
378 THE CONFESSIONS OF
me take this opportunity, while traversing the prairie, to
say in a few words what they were.
The Gambusinos are the gold-seekers of the New
World — a class who, in number and importance, divide
society with the Vaqueros, the cattle-dealers, into two
almost equal sections. Too poor to become possessors of
mines, without capital for enterprise on a larger scale,
they form bands of wandering discoverers, traversing the
least-known districts of the Sonora, and spending years of
life in the wildest recesses of the Rocky Mountains. Asso-
ciating together, generally from circumstances purely
accidental, they form little communities, subject to dis-
tinct laws; and however turbulent and rebellious under
ordinary control, beneath the sway of the self-chosen
leaders they are reputed to be submissive and obedient.
Their skill is, as may be judged, rude as their habits.
They rarely carry their researches to any depth beneath
the surface; some general rules are all their guidance,
and these are easily acquired. They are all familiar with
the fact that the streams which descend from the Rocky
Mountains, either towards the Atlantic or Pacific, carry in
their autumnal floods vast masses of earth, which form
deposits in the plains ; that these deposits are often
charged with precious ores, and sometimes contain great
pieces of pure gold. They know, besides, that the quartz
rock is the usual bed where the precious metals are found ;
and that these rocks form spurs from the large mountains,
easily known, because they are never clothed by vegetation,
and called in their phraseology ' Crestones.'
A sharp short stroke of the barreta, the iron-shod
staff of the Gambusino, soon shivers the rock where
treasure is suspected ; and the fragments being submitted
to the action of a strong fire, the existence of gold is at
once tested. Often the mere stroke of the barreta will
display the shining lustre of the metal without more to
do. Such is, for the most part, the extent of their skill.
There are, of course, gradations even here ; and some
CON CREGAN 379
will distinguish themselves above their fellows in the
detection of profitable sources and rich ' crestones,' while
others rarely rise above the rank of mere ' washers ' — men
employed to sift the sands and deposits of the rivers in
which the chief product is gold-dust.
Such, then, is the life of a Gambusino. In this pursuit
he traverses the vast continent of South America from
east to west, crossing torrents, scaling cliffs, descending
precipices, braving hunger, thirst, heat, and snow, en-
countering hostile Indians, and the not less terrible bands
of rival adventurers, contesting for existence with the
wild animals of the desert, and generally at last paying
with his life the price of his daring intrepidity! Few,
indeed, are ever seen as old men among their native
villages ; nearly all have found their last rest beneath the
scorching sand of the prairie.
Upon every other subject than that of treasure-seeking
their minds were a perfect blank. For them, the varied
resources of a land abounding in the products of every
clime had no attraction. On the contrary, the soil which
grew the maize, indigo, cotton, the sugar-cane, coffee, the
olive, and the vine, seemed sterile and barren, since in such
regions no gold was ever found. The wondrous fertility
of that series of terraces which, on the Andes, unite the
fruits of the torrid zone with the lichens of the icy north,
had no value in the estimation of men who acknowledged
but one wealth, and recognised but one idol. Their hearts
turned from the glorious vegetation of this rich garden to
the dry courses of the torrents that fissure the Cordilleras,
or the stony gorges that intersect the Rocky Mountains.
The life of wild and varied adventure, too, that they
led, was associated with these deserted and trackless
wastes. To them, civilisation presented an aspect of
slavish subjection and dull uniformity, while in the very
vicissitudes of their successes there was the excitement of
gambling — rich to-day, they vowed a lamp of solid gold
to the Virgin — to-morrow, in beggary, they braved the
380 THE CONFESSIONS OF
terrors of sacrilege to steal from the very altar they had
themselves decorated. What strange and wondrous nar-
ratives did they recount as we wandered over that swelling
prairie
Many avowed that their own misdeeds had first driven
them to the life of the deserts ; and one who had lived for
years a prisoner among the Choctaws, confessed that his
heart still lingered with the time when he had sat as a
chief beside the war-fire, and planned stratagems against
the tribe of the rival Pawnees. To men of hardy and
energetic temperament, recklessness has an immense
fascination. Life is so often in peril, they cease to care
much for whatever endangers it ; and thus, through all
their stories, the one feeling ever predominated — a care-
less indifference to every risk, coupled with a most
resolute conduct in time of danger.
I soon managed to make myself a favourite with this
motley assemblage; my natural aptitude to pick up
language, aided by what I already knew of French and
German, assisted me to a knowledge of Spanish and
Portuguese ; while from a half-breed I acquired a suffi-
ciency of the Indian dialect in use throughout the Lower
Prairies. I was fleet of foot, besides being a good shot
with the rifle — qualities of more request among my com-
panions than many gifts of a more brilliant order ; and
lastly, my skill in cookery, which I derived from my
education on board the Firefly, won me high esteem and
much honour. My life was, therefore, far from unpleasant.
The monotony of the tract over which we marched was
more than compensated for by the marvellous tales that
beguiled the way. One only drawback existed on my
happiness, and yet that was sufficient to embitter many a
lonely hour of the night, and cast a shade over many a
joyous hour of the day. I am almost ashamed to confess
what that source of sorrow was, the more as, perhaps, my
kind reader will already fancy he has anticipated my grief,
and say, 'It was the remembrance of Donna Maria, the
CON CREGAN 381
memory of her I was never to see more.' Alas, no ! It
was a feeling far more selfish than this afflicted me. The
plain fact is, I was called ' The Lepero.' By no other name
would my companions know or acknowledge me. It was
thus they first addressed me, and so they would not take
the trouble to change my appellation. Not that, indeed, I
dared to insinuate a wish upon the subject: such a hint
would have been too bold a stroke to hazard in a company
where one was called ' Brise-ses-f ers ' — another, ' Colpo-di-
Sangue ' — a third, ' Teuf el's Blut,' and so on.
It was to no purpose that I appeared in all the vigour
of health and strength. I might outrun the wildest bull
of the buffalo herd ; I might spring upon the half -trained
mustang, and outstrip the antelope in her flight ; I
might climb the wall-like surface of a cliff, and rob the
eagle of her young; but when I came back, the cry of
welcome that met me was, 'Bravo, Lepero!' And thus
did I bear about me the horrid badge of that dreary time
when I dwelt within the Lazaretto of Bexar.
The very fact that the name was not used in terms of
scoff or reproach increased the measure of its injury. It
called for no reply on my part ; it summoned no energy of
resistance ; it was, as it were, a simple recognition of
certain qualities that distinguished me and made up my
identity, and at last, to such an extent did it work upon
my imagination, that I yielded myself up to the delusion
that I was all that they styled me — an outcast and a leper !
When this conviction settled down on my mind, I ceased
to fret as before, but a gloomy depression gained posses-
sion of me, uncheered save by the one hope, that my life
should not be entirely spent among my present associates,
and that I should yet be known as something else than
The Lepero.
The prairie over which we travelled never varied in
aspect, save with the changing hours of the day. The
same dreary swell — the same yellowish grass — the same
scathed and scorched cedars — the same hazy outlines of
382 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
distant mountains that we saw yesterday rose before us
again to-day, as we knew they would on the morrow — till
at last our minds took the reflection of the scene, and we
journeyed along, weary, silent, and footsore. It was
curious enough to mark how this depression exhibited
itself upon different nationalities. The Saxon became
silent and thoughtful, with only a slight dash of more
than ordinary care upon his features — the Italian grew
peevish and irritable, the Spaniard was careless and
neglectful, while the Frenchman became downright vicious
in the wayward excesses of his spiteful humour. Upon
the half-breeds, two of whom were our guides, no change
was ever perceptible. Too long accustomed to the life of
the prairie to feel its influence as peculiar, they plodded
on, the whole faculties bent upon one fact, the discovery
of the Chihuahua trail, from which our new track was to
diverge in a direction nearly due west.
Our march, no longer enlivened by merry stories or
exciting narratives, had become wearisome in the extreme.
The heavy fogs of the night and the great mist which
arose at sunset prevented all possibility of tracing the
path, which often required the greatest skill to detect, so
that we were obliged to travel during the sultriest hours
of the day, -without a particle of shade, our feet scorched
by the hot sands, and our heads constantly exposed to the
risk of sunstroke. Water, too, became each day more
difficult to obtain ; the signs by which our guides dis-
covered its vicinity seemed, to me at least, little short of
miraculous; and yet, if by any chance they made a mis-
take, the anger of the party rose so near to mutiny that
nothing short of Halkett's own authority could restore
order. Save in these altercations, without which rarely a
day passed over, little was spoken ; each trudged along
either lost in vacuity or buried in his own thoughts.
S for myself, my dreamy temperament
aided me greatly. I could build
castles for ever ; and certainly there
was no lack of ground here for the foundation. Sometimes
I fancied myself suddenly become the possessor of immense
riches, with which I should found a new colony in the
very remotest regions of the west. I pictured to myself
the village of my workmen, surrounded with its patches
of cultivation in the midst of universal barrenness — the
smiling aspect of civilised life in the very centre of
barbarism — the smelting furnaces, the mills, the great
refining factories, of which I had heard so much, all rose
to my imagination, and my own princely abode looking
down upon these evidences of my wealth.
Then, I fancied the influences of education diffusing
themselves among the young, who grew up with tastes
and habits so different from those of their fathers. How
pursuits of refinement by degrees mingled themselves with
daily requirements, till at last the silent forests would
384 THE CONFESSIONS OF
echo with the exciting strains of music, or the murmuring
rivulet at nightfall would be accompanied by the recited
verses of poetry.
The primitive simplicity of such a life as I then pictured
was a perfect fascination ; and when wearied with think-
ing of it by day, as I dropped asleep at night the thoughts
would haunt my dreams unceasingly.
This castle-building temperament — which is, after all,
nothing but hope engaged practically — may, when pushed
too far, make a man dreamy, speculative, and visionary ;
but if restrained within any reasonable limits, cannot fail
to support the courage in many an hour of trial, and nerve
the heart against many a sore affliction. I know how it
kept me up when others of very different thews and
sinews were falling around me. Independently of this
advantage, another and a greater one accompanied it.
These self-created visions, however they may represent
a man in a situation of greatness or power, always do so
to exhibit him dispensing — what he imagines at least to
be — the virtues of such a station! No one, I trust, ever
fancied himself a monarch for the sake of all the cruelties
he might inflict, and all the tyrannies he might practise ;
so that, in reality, this 'sparring against Fortune with
the gloves on' is admirable practice — if it be nothing
else.
It was on the seventeenth day of our wanderings
that the guide announced that we had struck into the
Chihuahua ' trail,' and although to our eyes nothing
unusual or strange presented itself, Hermose exhibited
signs of unmistakable pride and self-esteem. As I looked
around me on the unvarying aspect of earth and sky, I
could not help remembering my disappointment on a
former occasion, when I heard of the ' Banks of Newfound-
land,' and fancied that the Chihuahua trail might have
some such unseen existence as the redoubtable ' Banks '
aforesaid, which, however familiar to cod-fish, are seldom
visited by Christians.
CON CREGAN 385
'The evening star will rise straight above our heads
to-night,' said Hermose — and he was correct ; our path lay-
exactly in the very line with that bright orb. The con-
fidence inspired by this prediction increased, as we found
that an occasional prickly pear-tree now presented itself,
with, here and there, a dwarf box or an acacia. As night
closed in, we found ourselves on the skirt of what seemed
a dense wood, bordered by the course of a dried-up torrent.
A great wide 'streak' of rocks and stones attested the
force and extent of that river when filled by the mountain
streams, but which now trickled along among the pebbles
with scarcely strength enough to force its way. Hermose
proceeded for some distance down into the bed of the
torrent, and returned with a handful of sand and clay,
which he presented to Halkett, saying, 'The rains have
not been heavy enough ; this is last year's earth.'
Few as were the words, they conveyed to me an
immense impression of his skill, who, in a few grains of
sand taken at random, could distinguish the deposits of
one year from those of another.
' How does it look, Halkett ? ' cried one.
' Is it heavy ? ' asked another.
' It is worthless,' said Halkett, throwing the earth from
him ; ' but we are on the right track, lads, for all that :
there 's always gold where the green snake frequents.'
It was a mystery at the time to me how Halkett knew
of the serpent's vicinity, for although I looked eagerly
around me, I saw no trace of one.
' I vow he 's a-sarchin' for the coppernose,' said a
Yankee, as he laughed heartily at my ignorance.
' Do you see that bird, there, upon the bough of the
cedar-tree ? ' said Halkett ; ' that 's the " choyero " ; and
wherever he's found the coppernose is never far off.'
The mystery was soon explained in this wise — the
choyero is in the habit of enveloping himself in the
leaves of a certain prickly cactus, called ' choya,' with
which armour he attacks the largest of these green
13 2 b
386 THE CONFESSIONS OF
serpents, and always successfully — the strong thorny
spines of the plant invariably inflicting death-wounds
upon the snake. Some asserted that the bird only
attacked the snake during his season of torpor, but others
stoutly averred that the choyero was a match for any
coppernose in his perfect vigour.
The approach of the long -sought -for 'Placer' was
celebrated by an extra allowance of rum ; and the party
conversed till a late hour of the night, with a degree of
animation they had not exhibited for a long time
previous; stories of the 'washings' resumed their sway
— strange wild narratives — the chief interest in which,
however striking at the time, lay in the manner of those
who related them, and were themselves the actors. They
nearly all turned upon some incident of gambling, and
were strong illustrations of how completely the love of
gain can co-exist with a temperament utterly wasteful
and reckless, while both can render a man totally in-
different to every feeling of friendship. There was
mention, by chance, of a certain Narvasque, who had
been the comrade of many of the party.
' He is dead,' cried one.
* Caramba f cried another, ' that is scarcely true ; they
told me he was at Austin fair this fall.'
' You may rely on it he 's dead,' said the first, ' for I
know it : he died on the Sacramento, and in this wise. We
had had a two months' run of luck at the Crestones of
Bacuachez — such fortune as I only hope we may soon see
again : none of your filthy wash and sieve work, nor any
splintering of a steel barreta on a flint rock, but light
digging along the stream and turning up such masses of
the real shining metal as would make your heart leap to
look at — lumps of thirty — thirty-five — ay, forty pounds.'
' There — there, Harispe ! ' said an old fellow, with a long
pipe of sugar-cane, ' if we are to swallow what 's a-comin',
don't choke us just now.'
'What does an old trapper know of the diggin's,' said
CON CREGAN 387
Harispe contemptuously; ''tis a-bee huntin' and a-birds'
nestin' you ought to be. Smash my ribs ! if he ever saw
goold, except on the breast of a goldfinch.' Having
silenced his adversary, he resumed —
1 We were all rich by the time we reached Aranchez ;
but what use is metal ! one can't eat it, nor drink it, nor
even sleep on 't, and the fellows up there had got as much
as we had ourselves. Everything cost twenty— no, but two
hundred and twenty times its value ! I used to cut a goold
button off my coat every morning for a day's grub, so that
we had to make ourselves a kind of log-hut outside the
village, and try to vittal ourselves as best we could.
There warn't much savin' in that plan neither, for we
drank brandy all day long, and it cost half an ounce of
goold every bottle of it ! Then we stayed up all night and
played brag, and it was that finished Narvasque. He was
a-betting with Shem Avery, and Shem, who felt he was in
for a run of luck, layed it on a bit heavy like ; and the end
o' it was, he won all Narvasque's two months' diggin's, all
to a twenty-eight " ouncer " that he wouldn't bet for any-
body — no, nor let any one see where he hid it. Shem had
his heart on that lump, and said, "I'll go fifty ounces
against your lump, Narvasque " ; and the other didn't take
it at first, but up he gets and leaves the hut. "Honour
bright," said he, " no man follows me." They all gave their
words, and he went out a short distance into the wood,
where he had a sheep's heart hanging near a rock, in the
centre of which he had concealed his treasure. He wasn't
three yards from the spot when a great spotted snake
darts through the long grass, and, making a spring at the
piece of meat, bolts it and away ! Narvasque followed
into the deep jungle, unarmed as he was ; there a deadly
combat must have ensued, for when his cries aroused us,
as we sat within the hut, we found him bitten on every
part of the body, and so near death, that he had only time
to tell how it happened, when he expired.'
' And the snake ? ' cried several in a breath.
388 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' He got clear away ; we gave chase for four days after
him in vain ; but a fellow with as much spare cash about
him must have come to bad ere now.'
'The Injuns has ripped him open afore this, depend
on 't,' said another. ' There 's scarce a snake of any size
hasn't an emerald or splice of gold in him.'
' There 's more gold lies hidden by fellows that have
never lived, or come back to claim it, than ye know of,
said the old trapper; 'and that's the kind of placer I'd
like to chance upon, all ready washed and smelted.'
' They talk of martyrs ! ' said a tall, sallow Spaniard,
who had been educated for a priest ; ' let me tell you that
those Indians, ay, even the negroes, have endured as much
torture for their gold as ever did zealot for his faith.
There was a fellow in my father's time, up at Guajuaqualla,
who, it was said, had concealed immense treasures, not
only of gold, but gems, emeralds, diamonds, and rubies ;
well, he not only refused all offers from the Gobernador
of the mines to share the booty, but he suffered his toes
to be taken off by the smelting nippers rather than make
a confession. Then they tried him with what the miners
call a " nest-egg," that is, a piece of gold heated almost red
and inserted into the spine of the back ; but it was all to
no use, he never spoke a word.'
' I heard of him ; that was a nigger called Crick,' cried
another.
I heard no more. The sound of that name, which
brought up the memory of my night at Anticosti and all
its terrors, filled my heart, besides, with a strange swelling
of hope, vague and ill-defined, it is true, but which some-
how opened a vision of future wealth and greatness before
me. The name, coupled with the place, Guajuaqualla, left
no doubt upon my mind that they were talking of no
other than the Black Boatswain himself. If I burned to
ask a hundred questions about him, a prudent forbearance
held me back. I knew that of all men living none are so
much given to suspicion and mistrust as the Gambusinos.
CON CREGAN 389
The frauds and deceits eternally in practice among them,
the constant concealments of treasure, the affected
desertion of rich placers in order to return to them
later and alone — these and many like artifices suggest a
universal want of confidence, which is ever at work to
trace motives or attribute intentions for every chance
word or accidental expression. I retained my curiosity,
therefore ; but from that hour forward the negro and his
hidden gold were ever before me. It mattered not where
I was, in what companionship, or how engaged, one
figure occupied the foreground of every picture. If my
waking thoughts represented him exactly as I saw him at
Anticosti, my sleeping fancies filled up a whole history of
his life. I pictured him a slave in the ' Barracoons ' of his
native land, heavily ironed and chained. I saw him on
board the slaver, with bent-down head and crippled limbs,
crouching between the decks. I followed him to the
slave-market and the sugar plantation. I witnessed his
sufferings, his sorrows, and his vengeance. I tracked him
as he fled to the woods, with the deep-mouthed blood-
hounds behind him; and I stood breathless while they
struggled in deadly conflict, till pale, bleeding, and
mangled, the slave laid them dead at his feet, and
tottered onward to stanch his wounds with the red gum
of the liana. Then came an indistinct interval ; and when
I saw him next it was as a gold- washer in the dark stream
of the Rio Nero, his distorted limbs and mangled flesh
showing through what sufferings he had passed.
Broken, incoherent incidents of crime and misery, of
tortured agonies and hellish vengeance, would cross my
sleeping imagination, amidst which one picture ever
recurred — it was of the negro as I saw him at Anticosti,
crouching beastlike on the earth, and while he patted
the ground with his hand, throwing a stealthy terrified
glance on every side to see that he was not observed.
That he fancied himself in the act of concealing the gold
for which he had bartered his very blood, the gesture
390 THE CONFESSIONS OF
indicated plainly enough; and in the same attitude my
fancy would depict him so powerfully, so truthfully, too,
that when I awoke I had but to close my eyes again and
the vision would come back with every colour and adjunct
of reality.
My preoccupation of mind could not have escaped
the shrewd observation of my companions, had not the
unexpected discovery of gold in the sands of the river
effectually turned every thought into another and more
interesting channel. At first it was mere dust was
detected, but, later on, small misshapen pieces of dusky
yellow were picked up, which showed the gold in its most
valuable form, in combination with quartz rock.
Up to the moment of that discovery all was lassitude
and indifference. A few only gave themselves the trouble
to wet their feet, the greater number sitting lazily down
upon the river's bank, and gazing on the washers with a
contemptuous negligence. The failures they experienced,
even their humble successes, were met with sneers and
laughter, till at last Hermose held up aloft a little spicula
of gold about the thickness of a pencil. No sooner had
the brilliant lustre caught their eyes, than, like hounds at
the sight of the stag, they sprang to their feet and dashed
into the stream.
What a sudden change came over the scene ! Instead
of the silence of that dark river, through whose dull
current three or four figures waded noiselessly, while in
lazy indolence their companions lay smoking or sleeping
near, now, in an instant, the whole picture became
animated. With plashing water and wild shouts of
various import the deep glen resounded, as upwards of
thirty men descended into the river ; and while some
examined the bed of the stream with the barretas, others
dived beneath the water to explore it with their hands,
and bring up mingled masses of earth and dust, over which
they bent with earnest gaze for many minutes together.
Then what cries of joy or disappointment broke forth
CON CREGAN 391
at every instant ! There seemed at once to come over that
hardened, time-worn group of men, all the changing fickle-
ness of childhood — the wayward vacillations of hope and
despair; bright visions of sudden wealth, with gloomy
thoughts of disappointment. Suddenly, one brought up
from the bed of the stream something which he showed
to his neighbour, then to another, and another, till a knot
had gathered close around him, among which I found
myself. ' What is it ? ' said I, disappointed at not seeing
some great mass of yellow gold.
' Don't you see ? It is the fossil bone of the antelope,'
said Hermose ; ' and when the floods have penetrated deep
enough to unbury that, there's little doubt but we shall
find gold enough.'
' Who says enough ? ' cried a Mexican, as, emerging half-
suffocated from the water, he held aloft a pure piece of
metal, nearly the size of a small apple ; ' of such fruit as
this one never can eat to indigestion ! '
Halkett's whistle was soon heard, summoning the whole
party to a council on the bank; nor was the call long
unanswered. In an instant the tanned and swarthy
figures were seen emerging, all dripping as they were,
from the stream, ascending the banks, and then throw-
ing themselves in attitudes of careless ease around the
leader.
A short discussion ensued as to the locality upon which
we had chanced, some averring that it was an unexplored
branch of the Brazo, others that it was one of those way-
ward courses into which mountain streams are directed
in seasons of unusual rain. The controversy was a warm,
and might soon have become an angry one, had not Halkett
put an end to all altercation by saying, ' It matters little
how the place be called, or what its latitude; you know
the Mexican adage, "It's always a native land where
there's gold." That there is some here, I have no doubt;
that there is as much as will repay us for the halt, is
another question. My advice is, that we turn the river
392 THE CONFESSIONS OF
into another course, leave the present channel dry and
open, and then explore it thoroughly.'
' Well spoken, and true ! ' said an old white-headed
Gambusino ; ' that is the plan in the far west, and they are
the only fellows who go right about their work.'
The proposal was canvassed ably on all sides, and
adopted with scarcely anything like opposition ; and then
parties were ' told off ' to carry into execution different
portions of the labour. The section into which I fell was
that of the scouts or explorers, who were to track the
course of the stream upwards, and search for a suitable
spot at which to commence operations. Hermose took
the command of this party, and named the Lepero as his
lieutenant.
The sierra through which our path lay was singularly
wild and picturesque. The rocks, thrown about in every
fantastic shape, were actually covered with the tendrils of
the liana, whose great blue flowers hung in luxuriant
clusters from every cliff and crag. Wild fig and almond
trees loaded with fruit, red guavas and limes, met us as
we advanced, till at length we found ourselves in the very
centre of a tract rich in every production of our gardens,
and all growing in spontaneous freedom and wildness.
The yellow-flowering cactus, and the golden lobelia, that
would have been the choicest treasures of a conservatory
in other lands, we here broke branches off to fan away the
mosquitoes and the gallinippers. The farther we went,
the more fruitful and luxuriant did the tract seem.
Oranges, peaches, and grapes, in all the profusion of their
wildest abundance, surrounded us, and even littered the
very way beneath our feet. To feel the full enchantment
of such a scene, one should have been a prairie traveller
for weeks, long-wearied and heart-sore with the dull
monotony of a tiresome journey, with fevered tongue and
scorching feet, with eyeballs red from the glaring sun,
and temples throbbing from the unshaded lustre. Then,
indeed, the change was like one of those wondrous trans-
CON CREGAN 393
formations of a fairy-tale, rather than mere actual life.
In the transports of our delight we threw ourselves down
among the flowering shrubs, and covered ourselves with
blossoms and buds ; we bound the grape clusters on our
foreheads like bacchanals, and tied great branches of the
orange-tree round us as scarfs. In all the wantonness of
children, we tore the fruit in handf uls and threw it around
us. The wasteful prodigality of nature seemed to provoke
excess on our part, prompting us to a hundred follies and
extravagances. As if to fill up the measure of our present
joy by imparting the brightness of future hope, Hermose
told us that such little spots of luxuriant verdure were very
often found in the regions richest with gold, and that we
might be almost certain of discovering a valuable placer
in our immediate vicinity. There was another, and that
no inconsiderable, advantage attending these oases of
fertility. The Indians never dared to intrude upon these
precincts, their superstition being that the ' Treasure God,'
or the ' Genius of the Mine,' always had his home in these
places, and executed summary vengeance upon all who
dared to invade them. This piece of red-man faith, how-
ever jocularly recorded, did not meet that full contempt
from my comrades I could have expected. On the contrary,
many cited instances of disasters and calamities which
seemed like curious corroborations of the creed. Indeed,
I soon saw how naturally superstitious credences become
matter of faith to him who lives" the wild life of the
prairies.
' Then you think we shall have to pay the price of all
this enjoyment, Hermose ? ' said I, as I lay luxuriously
beneath a spreading banana.
' Quien sabe ? ' exclaimed he, in his Mexican dialect, and
with a shrug of the shoulders that implied doubt.
Although each event is well marked in my memory,
and the incidents of each day indelibly fixed upon my
mind, it is needless that I should dwell upon passages
which, however at the time full of adventure and excite-
394 THE CONFESSIONS OF
ment, gave no particular direction to the course of my
humble destiny. We succeeded in finding a spot by which
the bed of the river might be changed, and after some
days of hard labour we accomplished the task.
The course of the stream thus left dry for a consider-
able distance became the scene of our more active exertions.
The first week or two little was discovered, save gold-dust,
or an occasional spicula of the metal, heavily alloyed
with copper; but as we followed up the course, towards
the mountain, a vein of richest ore was found, lying near
the surface too, and presenting masses of pure gold, many
of them exceeding twenty ounces in weight.
There could be no doubt that we had chanced upon a
most valuable placer ; and now orders were given to erect
huts, and such rude furnaces for testing as our skill stood
in need of. A strict scale of profits was also established,
and a solemn oath exacted from each to be true and
faithful to his comrades in all things. Our little colony
demanded various kinds of service; for, while the gold-
seeking was our grand object, it was necessary that a corps
of trappers and hunters should be formed, who should
follow the buffalo, the red deer, and the wild hog over the
prairies.
Many declined serving on this expedition, doubtless
suspecting that the share of treasure which might be
allotted to the absent man would undergo a heavy pound-
age. Hermose, however, whose adventurous spirit inclined
more willingly to the excitement of the chase than the
monotonous labour of a washer, volunteered to go, and I
offered myself to be his companion. Some half-dozen of
the youngest agreed to follow us, and we were at once
named — The Hunters to the Expedition.
The rivalry between the two careers, good-natured as it
was, served to amuse and interest us ; and while our blank
days were certain to obtain for us a share of scoffs and
jibes, their unsuccessful ones did not escape their share of
sarcasm. If one party affected to bewail the necessity of
CON CREGAN 395
storing up treasure for a set of walking gentlemen, who
passed the day in pleasure-rambles about the country, the
other took care to express their discontent at returning
loaded with spoils for a parcel of lazy impostors, that
lounged away their time on the bank of a river. Mean-
while both pursuits flourished admirably. Practice had
made us most expert with the rifle ; and as we were
fortunate enough to secure some of the mustangs, and
train them to the saddle, our chasse became both more
profitable and pleasant. By degrees, too, little evidences
of superfluity began to display themselves in our equip-
ment : our saddles, at first made of a mere wooden trestle,
with a strip of buffalo-hide thrown across it, were now
ornamented with black bear-skins, or the more valuable
black fox-skin. Our own costume, if not exactly conform-
able to Parisian models, was comfortable and easy — a
brown deer-skin tunic, fastened by a belt around the
waist; short breeches, reaching to the knee-cap, which
was left bare, for climbing ; botas vaqueras, very loose
at top, and serving as holsters for our pistols ; and a cap
of fox or squirrel, usually designed by the wearer, and
exhibiting proofs of ingenuity, if not taste. Such was our
dress, our weapons of rifle, and bowie-knife, and pistols
giving it a character, which, on the boards of a minor
theatre, would have been a crowning success. We were
also all mounted ; some, Hermose and myself in particular,
admirably. And although I often in my own heart re-
gretted the powers of strength and endurance of poor
Charry, my little mustang steed, with his long forelock
and his bushy moustaches — a strange peculiarity of this
breed — was a picture of compactness and agility.
We had also constructed a rude waggon, so rude that I
can even yet laugh as I think on it, to carry our spoils,
which were far too cumbrous for a mere horse-load, and
when left on the prairies attracted such numbers of
prairie wolves and vultures as to be downright perilous.
If this same waggon was not exactly a type for Long
396 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Acre, it was at least strong and serviceable ; and although
the wheels were far nearer oval than circular, they did go
round. The noise they created in so doing might have
been disagreeable to a nervous invalid, being something
between the scream of a railway train and the yell of a
thousand peacocks, but I believe we rather liked it; at
least I know that when some luckless Sybarite suggested
the use of a little bear's fat around the axle, he was looked
on as a kind of barbarian to whom nature denied the least
ear for music.
As for the chasse itself, it was glorious sport. Glorious
in the unbounded freedom to wander whither one listed !
— glorious in the sense of mastery we felt, that we alone
of all the millions of mankind had reached this far-away,
unvisited tract ! — glorious in its successes, its dangers, and
its toils ! There was, besides, that endless variety of ad-
venture prairie-hunting affords. Now, it was the heavy
buffalo, lumbering lazily along, and tossing his huge head
in anger, as the rifle-ball pierced his thick hide ! Now, it
was the proudly antlered stag, careering free over miles
and miles of waste. At another time the grizzly bear was
our prey, and our sport lay in the dense jungle, or among
the dwarf scrub, through which the hissing rattlesnake
was darting, affrighted at the noise. In more peaceful
mood the antelope would be the victim; while the wild
turkey, or the great cock of the wood, would grace with
his bright wavy feathers the cap of him whose aim was
true at longest rifle range.
And these were happy days — the very happiest of my
whole life ; for if, sometimes, regrets would arise about
that road of ambition from which I had turned off, to
wander in the path of mere pleasure, I bethought me that
no career the luckiest fortune could have opened to me
would have developed the same manly powers of en-
durance of heat and cold, and of peril in a hundred shapes.
In no other pursuit could I have educated myself to the
like life of toils and dangers, bringing me daily, as it were,
CON CREGAN 397
face to face with death, till I could look on him without
a shudder or a fear.
I will not say that Donna Maria may not have passed
across the picture of my mind-drawn regrets ; but if her
form did indeed flit past, it was to breathe a hope of some
future meeting, some bright time to come, the recompense
of all our separation. And I thought with pride how
much more worthy of her would I be as the prairie-hunter,
the fearless follower of the bear and buffalo — accustomed
to the life of the wild woods — than as the mere ad-
venturer, whose sole stock-in-trade was the subterfuge
and deceit he could practise on the unwary.
It was strange enough all this while that I seemed to
have lost sight of my old guide-star, the great passion of
my earlier years — the desire to be a Gentleman. It was
stranger still, but, after-reflection has shown me that it
was true, I made far greater progress toward that wished-
for goal when I ceased to make it the object of my
ambition.
THE FATE OF A GAMBUSINO
HE 'life of the prairie,' with all its seem-
ing monotony, was very far from weari-
some. The chase, which to some might have presented
the same unvarying aspect, to those who passionately
loved sport, abounded in new and exciting incidents.
If upon one day the object of pursuit was the powerful
bison bull, with his shaggy mane and short straight
horns, on another, it was the swift antelope or the prairie
fox, whose sable skin is the rarest piece of dandyism
a hunter's pelisse can exhibit ; now and then the wide-
spread paw of a brown bear would mark the earth,
and give us days of exciting pursuit; or again, some
Indian ' trail ' — some red-man ' sign ' — would warn us that
we were approaching the hunting-grounds of a tribe, and
that all our circumspection was needed. Besides these,
there were changes, inappreciable to the uninitiated, but
thoroughly understood by us, in the landscape itself,
highly interesting. It is a well-known fact that the
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 399
shepherd becomes conversant with the face of every
sheep in his flock, tracing differences of expression where
others would recognise nothing but a blank uniformity;
so did the prairie, which at first presented one unvarying
expanse, become at last marked by a hundred peculiarities,
with which close observation made us intimate. Indeed I
often wondered how a great stretching plain, without a
house, a tree, a shrub, or a trickling brook, could supply
the materials of scenic interest, and the explanation is
almost as difficult as the fact. One must have lived the
life of solitude and isolation which these wild wastes
compel, to feel how every moss-clad stone can have its
meaning — how the presence of some little insignificant
lichen indicates the vicinity of water — how the blue fox-
bell shows where honey is to be found — how the faint
spiral motion of the pirn grass gives warning that rain is
nigh at hand. Then with what interest at each sunset is
the horizon invested, when the eye can pierce space to a
vast extent, and mark the fog-banks which tower afar off,
and distinguish the gathering clouds from the dark-backed
herd of buffaloes, or a group of Indians on a march.
Every prairie ' roll,' every dip and undulation of that vast
surface, had its own interest, until at length I learned to
think that all other prospects must be tame, spiritless,
and unexciting, in comparison with that glorious expanse,
where sky and earth were one, and where the clouds alone
threw shadows upon the vast plain.
The habit of a hunter's life in such scenes, the constant
watchfulness against sudden peril, inspire a frame of mind
in which deep reflectiveness is blended with a readiness
and promptitude of action, gifts which circumstances far
more favourable to moral training do not always supply.
The long day passed in total solitude — since very often the
party separates to meet at nightfall — necessarily calls for
thought ; not indeed the dreamy reverie of the visionary,
forgetful of himself and all the world, but of that active,
stirring, mental operation which demands effort and will.
400 THE CONFESSIONS OF
If fanciful pictures of the future as we would wish to
make it, intervene, they come without displacing the stern
realities of the present, any more than the far distances
of a picture interfere with the figures of the foreground.
Forgive, most kind reader, the prolix fondness with
which I linger on this theme. Fortune gave me but scant
opportunity of cultivation, but my best schooling was
obtained upon the prairies. It was there I learned the
virtue of self-reliance, the only real independence. It was
there I taught myself to endure reverses without dis-
appointment, and bear hardships without repining. It
was there I came to know that he who would win an up-
ward way in life must not build upon some self -imagined
superiority, but boldly enter the lists with others, and
make competitorship the test of his capacity. They were
inferior acquirements, it is true ; but I learned also to bear
hunger and cold, and want of rest and sleep, which in my
after-life were not without their value. It would savour
too much of a ' bull ' for him who writes his own memoirs
to apologise for egotism, still I do feel compunctions of
conscience about the length of these personal details — and
now to my story.
While we pursued our hunting pastime over the
prairies, the 'expedition' was successful beyond all ex-
pectation. No sooner was the bed of the river laid bare,
than gold was discovered in quantities, and the washers,
despising the slower process of sifting, betook themselves
to the pick and the barreta, like their comrades. It was
a season of rejoicing, and, so far as our humble means per-
mitted, of festivity ; for though abounding in gold, our
daily food was buffalo and 'tough doe,' unseasoned by
bread, or anything that could prove its substitute. If the
days were passed in successful labour, the evenings were
prolonged with narratives of the late discoveries, and
gorgeous imaginings of the future, as each fancied the
bright vista should be. Some were for a life of unbounded
excess and dissipation — the amende, as they deemed it, for
CON CREGAN 401
all their toil and endurance ; others anticipated a career of
splendour and display in the Old World. The Frenchman
raved of Paris and its cafes and restaurants, its theatres
and its thousand pleasures. A few speculated upon
setting forth on fresh expeditions with better means of
success. Halkett alone bethought him of home and of
an aged mother, in the far-away valley of Llanberis,
whose remainder of life he longed to render easy and
independent.
Nor was it the least courageous act of his daring life
to avow such a feeling among such associates. How they
laughed at his humility ! how they scoffed at the filial
reverence of the Gambusino ! Few of them had known a
parent's care. Most were outcasts from their birth, and
started in life with that selfish indifference to all others
which is so often the passport to success. I saw this,
and perceived how affection and sympathy are so much
additional weight upon the back of him ' who enters for
the plate of Fortune ' ; but yet my esteem for Halkett
increased from that moment. I fancied that his capacity
for labour and exertion was greater, from the force of a
higher and a nobler impulse, than that which animated
the others ; and I thought I could trace to this source the
untiring energy for which he was conspicuous above all
the rest. It was evident, too, that this 'weakness,' as
they deemed it, had sapped nothing of his courage, nor
detracted in aught from his resolute daring — ever fore-
most, as he was, wherever peril was to be confronted.
I ruminated long and frequently over this, to me,
singular trait of character. Whole days as I rambled
the prairies alone in search of game, the tedious hours
of the night I would lie awake, speculating upon it, and
wondering if it were impulses of this nature that elevated
men to high deeds and generous actions, and — to realise
my conception in one word — made them Gentlemen.
To be sure, in all the accessory advantages of such,
Halkett was most lamentably deficient, and it would have
13 2 c
402 THE CONFESSIONS OF
been labour in vain to endeavour to conform him to any
one of the usages of the polite world ; and yet, I thought,
might it not be possible that this rude, unlettered man
might have within him, in the recesses of his own heart,
all those finer instincts, all those refinements of high
feeling and honour, that make up a gentleman — like a
lump of pure virgin gold encased in a mass of pudding-
stone. The study of this problem took an intense hold
upon me ; for while I could recognise in myself a con-
siderable power for imitating all the observations of the
well-bred world, I grieved to see that these graces were
mere garments, which no more influenced a man's real
actions than the colour of his coat or the shape of his hat
will affect the stages of an ague or the paroxysms of a
fever.
To become a gentleman, according to my very crude
notions of that character, was the ruling principle of my
life. I knew that rank, wealth, and station, were all
indispensably requisite ; but these I also fancied might be
easily counterfeited, while other gifts must be absolutely
possessed — such as a good address, a skill in all manly
exercises, a personal courage ever ready to the proof, a
steady adherence to a pledged word. Now I tried to
educate myself to all these, and, to a certain extent, I
succeeded. In fact, I experienced what all men have
who have set up a standard before them, that constant
measurement will make one grow taller. I fancied that
Halkett and myself were on the way to the same object
by different roads. Forgive the absurd presumption,
most benevolent reader, for there is really something
insufferably ludicrous in the very thought, and I make
the confession now only in the fulness of a heart which
is determined to have no concealments.
That I rode my mustang with a greater air — that I
wore my black fox pelisse more jauntily— that I slung my
rifle at my back with a certain affectation of grace — that
I was altogether ' got up ' with an eye to the picturesque,
CON CREGAN 403
did not escape my companions, who made themselves
vastly merry at pretensions which, in their eyes, were so
supremely ridiculous, but which amply repaid me for all
the sarcasm by suggesting a change of their name for me
— my old appellation, ' II Lepero,' being abandoned for ' II
Conde' — the Count. It matters little in what spirit you
give a man a peculiar designation, the world take it up
in their own fashion, and he himself conforms to it,
whether for good or evil.
As the ' Conde,' I doubtless displayed many a laughable
affectation, and did many things in open caricature of the
title ; but, on the other hand, the name spurred me on to
actions of most perilous daring, and made me confront
danger for the very sake of the hazard ; until, by degrees,
I saw that the designation conferred upon me — at first
in mockery — became a mark of honourable esteem among
my comrades.
The prairie was fruitful in incidents to test my courage.
As the season wore on, and game became more scarce, we
were compelled to pursue the bison into distant tracks,
verging upon the hunting-grounds of an Indian tribe,
called the Camanches. At first our rencontres were
confined to meeting with a scout, or some small outlying
party of the tribe, but later on we ventured farther
within their frontier; and upon one occasion we pene-
trated a long and winding ravine, which expanded into
a small plain, in the midst of which, to our amazement,
we beheld their village.
The scene was in every way a striking one. It was a
few minutes after sunset, and while yet the ' yellow glory '
of the hour bathed the earth, that we saw the cane wig-
wams of the Camanches, as they stood at either side of
a little river that, with many a curve, meandered through
the plain. Some squaws were seated on the banks, and a
number of children were sporting in the stream, which
appeared too shallow for swimming. Here and there, at
the door of the wigwams, an old man was sitting smoking.
404 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Some mustangs, seemingly fresh caught, were picketed in
a circle, and a few boys were amusing themselves, torment-
ing the animals into bounds and curvets — the laughter the
sport excited being audible where we stood. The soft
influence of the hour — the placid beauty of the picture —
the semblance of tranquil security impressed on every-
thing — the very childish gambols — were all images so full
of home and homelike memories, that we halted and
gazed on the scene in speechless emotion. Perhaps each
of us at that moment had traversed in imagination half a
world of space, and was once again a child ! As for myself,
infancy had been ' no fairy dream,' and yet my eyes filled
up, and yet my lip quivered as I looked.
It was evident that the warriors of the tribe were
absent on some expedition. The few figures that moved
about were either the very old, the very young, or the
squaws, who, in all the enjoyment of that gossiping, as
fashionable in the wild regions of the West as in the
gilded boudoirs of Paris, sat enjoying the cool luxury of
the twilight.
Our party consisted of only four and myself; and
standing, as we did, in a grove of nut-trees, were perfectly
concealed from view ; no sense of danger, then, interfered
with our enjoyment of the prospect ; we gazed calmly on
the scene on which we looked.
1 Sehhor Conde,' whispered one of my party, a swarthy
Spaniard from the Basque, ' what a foray we might make
yonder ! their young men are absent ; they could make no
defence. Caramba ! it would be rare sport ! '
' Cond4 mio I ' cried a Mexican, who had once been a
horse-dealer, 'I see mustangs yonder worth five hundred
dollars, if they are worth a cent; let us have a dash
forward, and carry them off.'
'There is gold in that village,' muttered an old
Ranchero with a white moustache; 'I see sif ting-sieves
drying beside the stream.'
And so, thought I to myself, these are the associates
CON CREGAN 405
who, a moment back, I dreamed were sharing my thoughts,
and whose hearts, I fancied, were overflowing with softest
emotions. One, indeed, had not spoken, and to him I
turned in hope. He was a dark-eyed, sharp-featured
Breton. 'And you, Claude,' said I, 'what are your
thoughts on this matter ? '
' I leave all in the hands of my captain,' said he, saluting
in military fashion ; ' but if there be a pillage, I claim the
woman that is sitting on the rock yonder, with a yellow
girdle round her, as mine.'
I turned away in utter disappointment. The robber-
spirit was the only one I had evoked, and I grew sick at
heart to think of it. How is it that, in certain moods of
mind, the vices we are conversant with assume a double
coarseness, and that we feel repugnance to what daily
habit had seemed to have inured us ?
' Is it to be, or not ? ' growled the Spaniard, who, having
tightened his girths, and examined the lock of his rifle,
now stood in somewhat patient anxiety.
'Since when have we become banditti,' said I insult-
ingly, ' that we are to attack and pillage helpless women
and children ? Are these the lessons Halkett has taught us ?
Back to the camp. Let us have no more of such counsels.'
' We meet nothing but scoffs and jibes when we return
empty-handed,' muttered the Spaniard. ' It is seldom such
an opportunity offers of a heavy booty.'
' Right-about ! ' said I imperiously, not caring to risk my
ascendency by debating the question further. They obeyed
without a word ; but it was easy to see that the spirit of
mutiny was but sleeping. For some miles of the way a
dreary silence pervaded the party. I tried all in my power
to bring back our old good understanding, and erase the
memory of the late altercation ; but even my friend
Narvasque held aloof, and seemed to side with the others.
I was vexed and irritated to a degree the amount of
the incident was far from warranting; nor was the fact
that we were returning without any success without its
406 THE CONFESSIONS OF
influence. Moody and sad, I rode along at their head, not
making any further effort to renew their confidence, when
suddenly a spotted buck started from the shelter of a
prairie roll and took his way across the plain. To unsling
my rifle and fire at him was the work of half a minute.
My shot missed ; and I heard, or thought I heard, a burst
of contemptuous laughter behind me. Without turning
my head I spurred my horse to a sharp gallop, and pro-
ceeded to reload my rifle as I went. The buck had, how-
ever, got a ' long start ' of me ; and although my mustang
had both speed and endurance, I soon saw that the chase
would prove unrewarding ; and, after a hot pursuit of half
a mile, I pulled up and wheeled about. Where was my
party ? not a trace of them was to be seen. I rode up a little
slope of the prairie, and then, at a great way off, I could
descry their figures, as with furious speed they were hasten-
ing back in the direction of the Camanche village. I cannot
express the bitterness of the feeling that came over me.
It was no longer the sense of outraged humanity which
filled my heart — selfishness usurped the ground altogether,
and it was the injured honour of a leader, whose orders
had been despised. It was the affront to my authority
wounded me so deeply. Then I fancied to myself their
triumphant return to the camp, laden with the spoils of
victory, and full of heroic stories of their own deeds ; while
I, the captain of the band, should have nothing to con-
tribute but a lame narrative of misplaced compassion,
which some might call by even a harsher name. Alas for
weak principle! I wished myself back at their head a
hundred times over. There was no atrocity that, for a
minute or two, I did not feel myself capable of ; I really
believe that, if any other course were open to me, I had
never turned my steps back toward the camp. Crestfallen
and sad indeed was I, as I rode forward — now cursing the
insubordinate rabble that deserted me — now inveighing
against my own silly efforts to change the ferocious in-
stincts of such natures. In my bitterness of spirit I
CON CREGAN 407
attributed all to my foolish ambition of being ' the gentle-
man.' What business had such a character there? or
what possible link could bind him to such companion-
ship ? In my discontent, too, I fancied that these ' gentle-
men ' traits were like studding-sails, only available in fine
weather and with a fair wind; but that for the storms
and squalls of life such fine-spun canvas was altogether
unsuited. Is it needful I should say that I lived to dis-
cover this to be an error ?
To reach the camp ere nightfall, I was obliged to ride
fast, and the quick stride of my half-breed did more to
rally my spirits than all my philosophisings.
The slight breeze of sunset was blowing over the prairie
when I came in sight of the skirting of nut-wood which
sheltered the camp to the ' southward.' It was like home,
somehow, that spot. The return to it each evening had
given it that character, and one's instincts are invariably
at work to make substitutes for all the prestiges that tell
of family and friends. I experienced the feeling strongly
now, as I entered the wood, and spurred my nag onward,
impatient to catch a glimpse at the watch-fires. As I
issued from the copse, and looked up towards the little
tableland where the camp used to stand, I saw nothing
that spoke of my friends. There were no fires ; not a
figure moved on the spot. I pressed eagerly forward to
ascertain the reason, my mind full of its own explanation
of the fact, in which, I own it, fears were already blending.
Perhaps they had removed somewhat higher up the
stream ; perhaps the Camanches had been there, and a
battle had been fought ; perhaps But why continue ?
Already I stood upon the spreading surface of tableland,
and was nearing the spot where all our huts were built,
and now a deep booming noise filled my ears — a hollow,
cavernous sound, like the sea surging within some rocky
cave. I listened ; it grew fuller and louder, or seemed to
do so, and I could mark sounds that resembled the crash,
ing of timber and the splintering of rocks.
408 THE CONFESSIONS OF
My suspense had now risen to torture, and my poor
mustang, equally frightened as myself, refused to move
a step, but stood with his ears flattened back, forelegs
extended, and protruded nostril, sniffing, in a very
paroxysm of fright.
I dismounted, and fastening his head to his foreleg, in
Mexican fashion, advanced on foot. Each step I made
brought me nearer to the sounds, which now I perceived
were those of a fast-rolling river. A horrid dread shot
through my heart — my senses reeled as it struck me — but
with an effort I sprang forward, and there, deep below
me, in a boiling ocean of foam, rolled the river along the
channel which we had succeeded in damming up on the
mountain-side, and in whose dry bed all our labours had
been followed. In an instant the whole truth revealed
itself before me : the stream, swollen by the rain falling
in the distant mountains, had overborne the barrier, and
descending with all its force, had carried away village,
mines, and every trace of the ill-fated expedition. The
very trees that grew along the banks were at first under-
mined, and then swept away, and might be seen waving
their great branches above the flood, and then disappear-
ing for ever — like gigantic figures struggling in the
agony of drowning. The rude smel ting-house, built of
heavy stones and masses of rock, had been carried down
with the rest. Trees, whose huge size attested ages
of growth, reeled with the shock that shook the earth
beside them, and seemed to tremble at their own coming
destiny.
The inundation continued to increase at each instant,
and more than once the 'yellowest' waves compelled me
to retire. This it was which first led me to despair of my
poor comrades, since I inferred that the torrent had burst
its barrier only a short space before my arrival ; and as the
sunset was the hour when all the gold discovered during
the day was washed, before being deposited in the smelting-
house, I conjectured that my companions were overtaken
CON CREGAN 409
at that moment by the descending flood, and that none
had escaped destruction.
However the sad event took place, I never saw any of
them after ; and although I tracked the stream for miles,
and spent the entire of two days in search of them, I did
not discover one trace of the luckless expedition. So
changed had everything become — such a terrible alteration
had the scene undergone — that whenever I awoke from a
sleep, short and broken as my feverish thoughts would
make it, it was with difficulty I could believe that this
was once the ' Camp ' : that where that swollen and angry
torrent rolled had been the dry, gravelly bed where joy-
ous parties laboured; that beneath those cedars, where
now the young alligator stirred the muddy slime, we
used to sit and chat in pleasant companionship ; that
human joys, and passions, and hopes once lived and
flourished in that little space where ruin and desolation
had now set their marks, and where the weariest traveller
would not linger, so sorrow-struck and sad was every
feature of the scene.
Poor Halkett was uppermost in my thoughts — his
remembrance of his old mother, his plans for her future
happiness and comfort, formed, doubtless, many a long
year before, and only realised to be dashed for ever ! How
many a wanderer and outcast, doubtless, like him, have
sunk into an unhonoured grave in far-away lands, and of
whom no trace exists, and who are classed among the
worthless and the heartless of their families ; and yet, if
we had record of them, we might learn, perhaps, how
thoughts of home — of some dear mother — of some kind
sister — of some brother, who had been more than father —
had spirited them on to deeds of daring and privation,
and how, in all the terrible conflict of danger in which
their days were spent, one bright hope of returning
home at last glittered like a light-ship on a lonely
sea, and shed a radiance when all around was dark and
dreary.
410 THE CONFESSIONS OF
The third day broke, and still found me lingering beside
the fatal torrent, not only without meeting with any of
my former comrades, but even of that party who had
returned to the Indian village, not one came back. In
humble imitation of prairie habit, I erected a little cross
on the spot, and with my penknife inscribed poor Halkett's
name. This done, I led my horse slowly away through
the tangled underwood, till I reached the open plain, then
I struck out into a gallop, and rode in the direction where
the sun was setting.
The mere detail of personal adventures, in which the
traits of character, or the ever-varying aspects of human
nature find no place, must always prove wearisome. The
most 'hair-breadth 'scapes' require for their interest the
play of passions and emotions, and in this wise the perils
of the lonely traveller amid the deserts of the Far West
could not vie in interest with the slightest incident of
domestic life, wherein human cares and hopes and joys are
mingled up.
I will not longer trespass on the indulgence of any one
who has accompanied me so far, by lingering over the
accidents of my prairie life — nor tell by what chances I
escaped death in some of its most appalling forms. The
Choctaw,the jaguar, the spotted leopard of the jungle,
the cayman of the sand lakes, had each in turn marked
me for its prey, and yet, preserved from every peril, I suc-
ceeded in reaching the little village of La Noria, or the
'Well,' which occupies one of the opening gorges of
the Rocky Mountains, at the outskirts of which some of
the inhabitants found me asleep, with clothing reduced to
very rags, nothing remaining of all my equipment save
my rifle, and a little canvas pouch of ammunition.
My entertainers were miners, whose extreme poverty
and privation would have been inexplicable, had I not
learned that the settlement was formed exclusively of
convicts, who had either been pardoned during the term
of their sentence, or, having completed their time, pre-
/ u *ff//fl/\.
"////;*/
CON CREGAN 411
ferred passing the remainder of their lives in exile. As a
' billet of conduct ' was necessary to all who settled at the
village, the inhabitants, with a very few exceptions, were
peaceable, quiet, and inoffensive, and of the less well-
disposed, a rigidly severe police took the most effective
charge.
Had there been any way of disposing of me, I should
not have been suffered to remain ; but as there was no
' parish ' to which they could ' send me on,' nor any distinct
fund upon which to charge me, I was retained in a spirit
of rude compassion, for which, had it even been ruder, I
had been grateful. The Gobernador of the settlement
was an old Mexican officer of Santa Anna's staff, called
Salezar, and whose 'promotion' was a kind of penalty
imposed upon him for his robberies and extortions in
the commissariat of the army. He was not altogether
unworthy of the trust, since it was asserted that there
never was a convict vice nor iniquity in which he was
not thoroughly versed, nor could any scheme be hatched,
the clue to which his dark ingenuity could not discover.
I was summoned before him on the day of my arrival,
and certainly a greater contrast could not have been
desired than was the bravery of his costume to the rags
of mine. A Spanish hat and feathers, such as is only seen
upon the stage, surmounted his great red and carbuncled
face ; a pair of fiery red moustaches, twisted into two
complete circles, with a tail out of them like an eccentric
'Q'; a sky-blue jacket covered with silver buttons; tight
pantaloons of the same colour, and Hessian boots, made
up the chief details of a figure, whose unwieldy size the
tightness of the dress did not by any means set off to
advantage. He wore besides a quantity of daggers, pistols,
and stilettos suspended around his person, and a huge
Barcelona blade hung by two silver chains from his side,
the rattle and jingle of which, as he spoke, appeared to
give him the most lively pleasure. I was ordered to stand
before a table at which he sat, with a kind of secretary
412 THE CONFESSIONS OF
at his side, while he interrogated me as to who I was,
whence I came, the object of my journey, and so forth.
My account of myself was given in the very briefest
way I could devise — totally devoid of all colouring or
exaggeration, and, for me, with a most singular avoidance
of the romantic ; and yet, to my utter discomfiture, from
the very announcement of my name, down to the last
incident of my journey, he characterised every statement
by the very short and emphatic word ' a lie,' desiring the
secretary to record the same in his ledger as his own
firm conviction; 'and add,' said he solemnly, 'that the
fellow is a spy from the States of North America — that
he probably belonged to some exploring party into our
frontier, and that he will most certainly be hanged
whenever the smallest offence is proved against him.'
These benign words were most royally spoken, and I
made my acknowledgments for them by taking off
my tattered and greasy cap, and, with a most urbane
bow, wishing him health and happiness for half a
century to come to pronounce similar blessings upon
many others.
The bystanders did look, I confess, somewhat terrified
at my impromptu courtesy; but Salezar, upon whom my
rags, and my grotesque appearance generally, produced
a rather amusing effect, laughed heartily, and bade them
give me something to eat. The order, simple and in-
telligible as it was, at least to me, seemed to evoke the
strangest signs of surprise and astonishment, and not
unreasonably; for, as I afterwards came to know, no
Lazarus ate of the crumbs which fell from this 'rich
man's table,' while from the poor herd of the settlers,
not a crust nor a parched pea could be expected, as
they were fed by rations so scantily doled out as barely
to support life. The order to feed me was therefore
issued pretty much in the same spirit which made Marie
Antoinette recommend the starving people to eat brioche.
As no one was to be found, however, bold enough to
CON CREGAN 413
express a doubt as to the facility of the measure, I was
led away in silence.
A very animated little discussion arose in the street
as to what I was to get? where to have it? and who
to give it? difficulties which none seemed able to solve
by any explanation save the usual Mexican one of
quien sabe? or 'who knows?' Having uttered which in
accents of very convincing embarrassment, each went
his way, leaving me standing with an old mule-driver,
the only one who had not delivered himself of this
speech.
Now it chanced that the well from which the village
derived its name of La Noria had originally been worked
by two mules, who, having died off, their places were
supplied by two miserable asses of the prairie breed,
creatures not much bigger than sheep, and scarcely
stronger. These wretched beasts had been for years
past stimulated to their daily labour by the assiduous
persecutions of a fierce English bulldog, who, with bark
and bite, made their lives a very pretty martyrdom.
Either worn out by his unremitting exertions, or that
asses' flesh (of which, from their hocks and hind-quarters
generally, he freely partook) disagreed with him, the
animal sickened and died, leaving the poor Mulero to
his own unaided devices to drive the donkeys round the
charmed circle. I believe that he did all that mere man
was capable of — in fact, in everything, save using his teeth,
he imitated closely the practices of the illustrious defunct.
But asses though they were, they soon discovered that the
'great motive principle' was wanting, and betook them-
selves to a far easier and more congenial mode of doing
the day's work.
Now the Mulero was a man of thought and reflection,
and it occurred to him that if asses, however inadequately,
could yet, in some sort, perform the functions of mules,
there was no reason why a man, even a very poor-looking
and ragged one, should not replace a bulldog. There was
414 THE CONFESSIONS OF
that hungry, half -starved look about me, too, that vouched
my temper would not be of the sweetest, and he eyed me
with the glance of a connoisseur. At last Mijo — for such
was he called — made the proposal to me in all form, ex-
plaining that my predecessor had had his rations allowed
him like a colonist, and was entitled to sleep under cover
at the house of his former mistress, La Senhora Dias, ' who,'
he added, with a sly wink, ' was my countrywoman.' Well
knowing a Mexican never boggles at a lie, no matter how
broad and palpable, I took no notice of what I at once
concluded to be impossible, but proceeded to inquire as to
the precise functions I might be expected to perform in my
canine capacity.
' A mere nothing,' said he, with a shrug of his shoulders :
' we harness the beasts at daybreak, say three o'clock ; by
eight the water is all up ; then you can sleep or amuse
yourself till four of the afternoon, when the Commandante
Salezar likes to have cool water for his bath; that only
takes an hour; then you are free again till night
closes in.'
' And what then ? ' asked I impatiently.
' You have your rounds at night.'
' My rounds ! where, and what for ? '
'Against the prairie wolves, that now and then are
daring enough to come down into the very settlement,
and carry off kids and lambs — ay, and sometimes don't
stop there.'
He winked with a terrible significance at the last
words.
'So, then, I am not only to bark at the asses all day,
but I am to bay the wolves by night?' said I, half
indignantly.
' Lupo did it,' responded he, with a nod.
' He was a dog, Senhor Mijo,' said I.
' Ah, that he was ! ' added he, in a tone very different
from my remark, accompanying it with a most disparag-
ing glance at my ragged habiliments. I read the whole
CON CREGAN 415
meaning of the look at once, and hung my head, abashed
at the disparaging comparison.
He waited patiently for my reply, and perceiving that I
was still silent, he said, ' Well, is it a bargain ? '
' Agreed,' said I, with a sigh, and wondering if Fortune
had yet any lower depths in store for me, I followed him
to his hut. Mi jo proceeded to acquaint me with all the
details of my office, and also certain peculiarities of the
two beasts for whose especial misery I was engaged. If
compassion could have entered into my nature, it might
have moved me at sight of them. Their haunches and
hocks were notched and scored with the marks of teeth,
while their tails were a series of round balls, like certain
old-fashioned bell-ropes, the result of days of suffering.
' I am so accustomed to the name, I must call you
" Lupo," ' said Mijo ; ' you have no objection ? '
' Not in the least,' said I ; ' if a " dog in office," why not a
dog in name ? '
That same day I was conducted to the ' Tienda del Gato,'
the shop of 'The Cat,' at the sign of which animal La
Senhora Dias resided. It was a small cottage at the very
extremity of the village, in a somewhat pretty garden ; and
here a kind of canteen was held, at which the settlers pro-
cured cigars, brandy, and other like luxuries, in exchange
for their ' tickets of labour.'
Of the senhora, some mystery existed. The popular
rumour was, that she had been the favourite mistress of
Santa Anna, whose influence, however, could not rescue
her from the fate of a convict, to which she was sentenced
for forgery. Her great patron contrived, however, to
release her from the indignity of a penal settlement, and
placed her at La Noria, where she had resided two years.
Some said that it was to conceal herself from the prying
curiosity of the vulgar; another, that it was to hide the
brand of the letter ' F,' burned with a hot iron in her fore-
head ; others, again, that it was by Santa Anna's express
order (but what the reason?) she always wore a black
416 THE CONFESSIONS OF
velvet mask, which, since her arrival at the village, none
had seen her remove.
A hundred stories, one more absurd than another, were
circulated about her high birth and condition, and the vast
wealth she had once possessed ; the only real clue I could
discover to these narratives being the simple fact that her
dog, a fierce English bulldog — my own predecessor, and
who by peculiar favour was permitted to accompany her
— used to wear a massive silver collar, richly chased and
ornamented ; fiction, indeed, had invested it with precious
stones and gems, but these were purely imaginative orna-
ments. Even devoid of jewels, such was deemed an un-
equivocal proof of riches among those whose poverty
was of the very lowest order, and La Senhora Dias
bought her ' millionaire ' character at a cheap price. To me,
the most interesting part in her story was that which
called her my countrywoman, and yet this seemed so
unlikely, and was coupled with so much that I knew to
be impossible, that I did not venture to believe it.
It was the hour of the siesta when we reached 'The
Cat,' so that I had no opportunity of seeing the senhora.
Mi jo conducted me to a little building in the garden,
originally built as a hut for a man who watched the fruit,
but latterly inhabited by Lupo. There I was installed at
once. Some chestnut leaves were my bed, a small spring
afforded me water ; I was to receive eight ounces of maize
bread each day, with half an ounce of coffee — Lupo had
'taken 'the latter 'out' in sausages. Of the fruit of the
garden, consisting of limes, oranges, peaches, and mangoes,
I was free of whatever fell to the ground — a species of
blackmail that never failed me at the dessert. These were
my perquisites — my duties I already knew; and so Mijo
left me, to recruit myself by one day's rest, and on 'the
morrow ' to begin my labours.
I shall never forget the strange melange of feelings,
pleasurable and the reverse, which came over me as I
first found myself alone, and had time to think over
CON CREGAN 417
my condition. Many would perhaps have said that the
degradation would have mastered all other thoughts,
and that the life to which I was reduced would have
tended to break down all self-respect and esteem.
Whether to my credit or otherwise, I know not, but I did
not feel thus — nay, I even went so far as to congratulate
myself that a source of livelihood was open to me which
did not involve me in forced companionship, and that I
might devote so many hours of each day to my own
undisturbed thoughts, as I wandered about that vast
garden, in which no other than myself appeared ever
to set foot.
Culture it had none, or seemed to need it. One of my
duties was, to pluck the ripe fruit every day, ere I issued
forth to the ' Well,' and place the baskets at the senhora's
door ; and save this, I believe, all was left to Nature. What
a wilderness of rank luxuriance it was ! The earth had
become so fertilised by the fallen fruit left to rot as it
fell, tha£ the very atmosphere was loaded with the odour
of peaches, and oranges, and pomegranates. A thousand
gaudy and brilliant flowers too glittered among the
tall grass that tried to overtop them; and insects and
creatures, of colour still more beauteous, fluttered and
chirped among the leaves, making a little chorus of
sounds that mingled deliciously with the rippling stream
that murmured near.
13 2d
LA SENHORA
O this very hour I am unable to say how long
I remained at the village of La Noria. Time
slipped away unchronicled ; the seasons varied little, save for
about two winter months, when heavy snows fell, and severe
cold prevailed ; but spring followed these with a suddenness
that seemed like magic, and then came summer and autumn,
as it were, blended into one — all the varied beauties of the
one season vying with the other. This was all that was
wanting to complete the illusion which the monotony of
my daily life suggested ; for me there was no companion-
ship — no link that bound me to my fellow-men; the
• Sunday,' too, shone no Sabbath-day for me.' The humble
range of my duties never varied ; nor, save with Mi jo, did
I ever exchange even a passing word. Indeed, the hours
of my labour were precisely those when all others slept ;
and whether I tracked the wayworn asses at their dreary
round, or pursued my solitary path at night, my own was
the only voice I ever heard. It was the 'life of a dog';
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 419
but, after all, how many states of existence there are far
less desirable ! I had always wherewithal to subsist upon ;
I had no severe labour, nor any duty incompatible with
health ; and I had— greatest blessing of all — time for self-
communing and reflection — that delicious leisure, in which
the meanest hovel ever raised by hands becomes one's
Home. I was happy, then, after my own fashion : various
little contrivances to lighten my tasks amused and occu-
pied my thoughts. To bring the garden into order was
also a passion with me ; and although necessitated to
invent and fashion the tools to work with, I was not
deterred by this difficulty, but manfully overcame it. I
greatly doubted if Watt ever gazed at a new improvement
in steam machinery with half the delight I looked upon
my first attempt at a rake. Then what pleasure did I
experience as I saw the trim beds covered with blooming
flowers — the clearly raked walks — the grass-plots close
shaven and weedless ! How the thoughts of changes and
alterations filled my mind, as I wandered in the dreary
night ! What trellises did I not invent ! — what festoons of
the winding vine-branches! — what bowers of the leafy
banana ! Like the old gardener, Adam, I began at last to
think that all these things were too beautiful for one
man's gaze ; that such ecstasies as mine deserved com-
panionship, and that the selfishness of my enjoyment
was the greatest blot upon its perfection. When this
notion caught hold of me I wandered away in fancy to
the ' Donna Maria de los Dolores ' ; and how fervently
did I believe that, with her to share it, my present exist-
ence had been a life of Paradise !
These thoughts at last exhausted themselves, and I fell
a-thinking why the Sehhora Dias never had the curiosity
to visit her garden, nor see the changes I had wrought in
it. To be sure, it was true, she knew nothing of them — how
then was I to make the fact reach her ears? The only
hours that I was at liberty were those when every close-
drawn curtain and closed shutter proclaimed the siesta.
420 THE CONFESSIONS OF
It was clear enough that a whole lifetime might slip
over in this fashion without my ever seeing her. There
was something in the difficulty that prompted a desire to
overcome it ; and so I set myself to plan the means by
which I might make her acquaintance. Of the windows
which looked towards the garden, the blinds were always
closed ; the single door that led into it as invariably locked.
I bethought me of writing a humble and most petitionary
epistle, setting forth my utter solitude and isolation ; but
where were pen and ink and paper to come from ? — these
were luxuries the Governador himself alone possessed.
My next thought was more practicable ; it was to deposit
each morning upon her basket of fruit a little bouquet of
fresh flowers. But, then, would they ever reach her
hands? — would not the servant ( purloin and intercept my
offering ? — ay, that was to be thought of.
By most assiduous watching, I at last discovered that her
bedroom looked into the garden by a small grated window,
almost hidden by the gnarled branches of a wild fig-
tree. This at once afforded me the opportunity I desired,
and up the branches of this I climbed each morning of
my life, to fasten to the bars my little bouquet of flowers.
With what intense expectancy did I return home the
first morning of my experiment ! what vacillations of hope
and fear agitated me as I came near the garden, and
looking up, saw, to my inexpressible delight, that the
bouquet was gone ! I could have cried for very joy ! At
last I was no longer an outcast, forgotten by my fellows.
One, at least, knew of my existence, and possibly pitied
and compassionated my desolation.
I needed no more than this to bind me again to the
love of life ; frail as was the link, it was enough whereupon
to hang a thousand hopes and fancies, and it suggested
matter for cheering thought, where before the wide waste
of existence stretched pathless and purposeless before me.
How I longed for that skill by which I might make the
flowers the interpreters of my thoughts ! I knew nothing
CON CREGAN 421
of this, however ; I could but form them into such com-
binations of colour and order as should please the senses,
but not appeal to the heart; and yet I did try to invent
a language, forgetting the while that the key of the cipher
must always remain with myself.
It chanced that one night, when on my rounds outside
the village, I suddenly discovered that I had forgotten
the caps for my rifle. I hastened homeward to fetch them,
and entered the garden by a small door, which I had myself
made, and of which few were cognisant. It was a night
of bright moonlight ; but the wind was high, and drifted
large masses of cloud across the sky, alternately hiding and
displaying the moon. Tracking, with an instinct too well
trained to become deceptive, the walks of the garden,
while a dark mass shut out the ' lamp of night,' I reached
my hut, when suddenly, on a little stone-bench beside the
door, I beheld a female figure seated. She was scarcely
four yards from where I stood, and in the full glare of the
moonlight, as palpable as at noonday. She was tall and
elegantly formed ; her air and carriage, even beneath the
coarse folds of a common dress of black serge, such as
bespoke condition ; her hands, too, were white as marble,
and finely and delicately formed; in one of them she
held a velvet mask, and I watched with anxiety to see the
face from which it had been removed, which was still
averted from me. At last she turned slowly round, and I
could perceive that her features, although worn by evident
suffering and sorrow, had once been beautiful ; the traits
were in perfect symmetry ; the mouth alone had a character
of severity, somewhat at variance with the rest, but its
outline was faultless — the expression only being unpleasing.
The dark circles around the eyes attested the work of years
of grief — bitter and corroding.
What should I do ? advance boldly, or retire noiselessly
from the spot ? If the first alternative presented perhaps
the only chance of ever speaking to her, it might also
prevent her ever again visiting the garden. This was a
422 THE CONFESSIONS OF
difficulty, and ere I had time to solve it, she arose to leave
the spot. I coughed slightly — she halted and looked
iround, without any semblance of terror or even surprise,
and so we stood face to face.
'You should have been on your rounds at this hour!'
said she, with a manner of almost stern expression, and
using the Spanish language.
' So I should, senhora ; but having forgot a part of my
equipment, I returned to seek it.'
'They would punish you severely if it were known,'
said she, in the same tone.
' I am aware of that,' replied I ; ' and yet I would incur
the penalty twice over to have seen one of whom my
thoughts for every hour these months past have been full.'
' Of me ? you speak of me ? '
' Yes, senhora, of you. I know the presumption of my
words ; but bethink you that it is not in such a spirit they
are uttered, but as the cry of one humbled and humiliated
to the very dust, and who, on looking at you, remembers
the link that binds him to his fellows, and for the instant
rises above the degradation of his sad condition.'
' And it is through me — by looking at me — such thoughts
are inspired!' said she, in an accent of piercing anguish.
' Are you an English youth ? '
' Yes, senhora, as much as an Irishman can call himself.'
' And is this the morality of your native land,' said she,
in English, 'that you can feel an elevation of heart and
sentiment from the contemplation of such as I am?
Shame, sir — shame upon your falsehood, or worse shame
upon your principle.'
'I only know you as my day and night dreams have
made you, lady — as the worshipper creates his own idol.'
' But you have heard of me ? ' said she, speaking with a
violence and rapidity that betokened a disordered mind.
'All the world has heard of me, from the Havannah to
Gruajuaqualla, as the poisoner and the forger ! '
I shook my head dissentingly.
CON CREGAN 423
' It is, then, because you are less than human ! ' said she
scoffingly, ' or you had heard it ; but mind, sir, it is untrue.
I am neither.' She paused, and then, in a voice of terrible
emotion, said, ' There is enough of crime upon this poor
head, but not that! And where have you lived, not to
have heard of La Senhora Dias?' said she, with an
hysteric laugh.
In a few words I told her how I had made part of a
great gold-searching expedition, and been utterly ruined
by the calamity which destroyed my companions.
'You would have sold yourself for gold wherewith to
buy pleasure ! ' muttered she to herself.
' I was poor, lady — I must needs do something for my
support.'
' Then why not follow humble labour ? What need of
wealth ? Where had you learned its want or acquired the
taste to expend it? You could only have imitated rich
men's vices, not their virtues that sometimes ennoble
them.'
The wild vehemence of her manner, as with an ex-
cessive rapidity she uttered these words, convinced me
that her faculties were not under the right control of
reason, and I followed her with an interest even
heightened by that sad impression.
' You see no one — you speak to none,' said she, turning
round suddenly, 'else I should bid you forget that you
have ever seen me.'
'Are we to meet again, senhora ?' said I submissively,
as I stood beside the door, of which she held the key in her
hand.
'Yes — perhaps — I don't know'; and so saying, she left
me.
Two months crept over, and how slowly they went!
without my again seeing the senhora. Were it not that the
bouquets which each morning I fastened to the window-
bars were removed before noon, I could have fancied that
she had no other existence than what my dreamy imagina-
424 THE CONFESSIONS OF
tion gave her. The heavy wooden jalousies were never
opened — the door remained close locked — not a foot-tread
marked the gravel near it. It was clear to me she had
never crossed the threshold since the night I first saw her.
I fell into a plodding, melancholy mood. The tiresome
routine of my daily life — its dull, unvarying monotony,
began to wear into my soul, and I ceased either to think
over the past or speculate on the future, but would sit
for hours long in a moody reverie, actually unconscious of
everything.
Sometimes I would make an effort to throw off this
despondency, and try, by recollection of the active energy
of my own nature, to stir up myself to an effort of one
kind or other; but the unbroken stillness — the vast motion-
less solitude around me — the companionless isolation in
which I lived, would resume their influence, and with a
weary sigh I would resign myself to a hopelessness that
left no wish in the heart save for a speedy death.
Even castle-building — the last resource of imprisonment
— ceased to interest. Life had also resolved itself into a
succession of dreary images, of which the voiceless prairie,
the monotonous water-wheel, the darkened path of my
midnight patrol were the chief ; and I felt myself sinking
day by day, hour by hour, into that resistless apathy
through which no ray of hope ever pierces.
At last I ceased even to pluck the flowers for the
senhora's window. I deemed any exertion which might
be avoided, needless, and taxed my ingenuity to find out
contrivances to escape my daily toil. The garden I
neglected utterly, and in the wild luxuriance of the soil
the rank weeds soon effaced every sign of former culture.
What a strange frame of mind was mine ! even the
progress of this ruin gave me a pleasure to the full as
great as that once felt in witnessing the blooming beauty
of its healthful vegetation. I used to walk among the
rank and noisome weeds, with the savage delight of some
democratic leader who saw his triumph, amid the down-
CON CREGAN 425
fall of the beautiful, the richly prized, and the valued,
experiencing a species of insane pleasure in the thought
of some fancied vengeance.
How the wild growth of the valueless weed overtopped
the tender excellence of the fragrant plant — how the
noisome odour overpowered its rich perfume — how, in
fact, barbarism lorded it over civilisation, became a study
to my distorted apprehension ; and I felt a diabolical joy
at the victory.
A little more, and this misanthropy had become mad-
ness ; but a change was at hand. I was sitting one night
in the garden — it was already the hour when my patrol
should have begun, but latterly I had grown indifferent
to the call of duty : as hope died out within me, so did
fear also, and I cared little for the risk of punishment;
nay, more, a kind of rebellious spirit was gaining upon me,
and I wished for some accident which might bring me into
collision with some one. As I sat thus, I heard a footstep
behind me ; I turned, and saw the sefihora close to me. I
did not rise to salute her, but gazed calmly and sternly
without speaking.
'Has the life of the dog imparted the dog's nature?'
said she scoffingly. ' Why don't you speak ? '
' I have almost forgotten how to do so,' said I sulkily.
' You can hear, at least ? '
I nodded assent.
' And understand what you hear ? '
I nodded again.
' Listen to me, then, attentively, for I have but a short
time to stay, and have much to tell you ! and first of all,
do you wish to escape from hence ? '
' Do I wish it ! ' cried I ; and in the sudden burst, long
dried-up sources of emotion opened out afresh, and the
heavy tears rolled down my cheeks.
' Are you willing to incur the danger of attempting it ? '
' Ay, this instant ! '
' If so, the means await you. I want a letter conveyed
426 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to a certain person in the town of Guajuaqualla, which is
about two hundred miles distant.'
' In which direction ? ' asked I.
' You shall see the map for yourself ; here it is,' said she,
giving me a small package, which contained a map and a
mariner's compass ; ' I only know that the path lies over
the prairie, and by the banks of a branch of the Red River.
There are villages and farmhouses when you, have reached
that region.'
' And how am I to do so, unmolested, senhora ? a foot-
traveller on the prairie must be overtaken at once.'
'You shall be well mounted on a mustang worth a
thousand dollars; but ride him without spurring. If he
bring you safe to Guajuaqualla he has paid his price.' She
then proceeded to a detail, which showed how well and
maturely every minute circumstance had been weighed
and considered. The greatest difficulty lay in the fact
that no water was to be met with nearer than eighty
miles, which distance I should be compelled to compass on
the first day. If this were a serious obstacle on one side,
on the other it relieved me of all apprehension of being
captured after the first forty or fifty miles were accom-
plished, since my pursuers would scarcely venture farther.
The senhora had provided for everything. My dress,
which would have proclaimed me as a runaway settler,
was to be exchanged for the gay attire of a Mexican
horse-dealer: a green velvet jacket and hose, all slashed
and decorated with jingling silver buttons, pistols, sabre,
and rifle to suit. The mustang, whose saddle was to be
fitted with the usual accompaniment of portmanteau and
cloak, was also to have the leathern purse of the craft,
with its massive silver lock, and a goodly ballast of
doubloons within. Two days' provisions, and a gourd of
brandy, completed an equipment which to my eyes was
more than the wealth of an empire.
' Are you content ? ' asked she, as she finished the
catalogue.
CON CREGAN 427
I seized her hand and kissed it with a warm devotion.
' Now for the reverse of the medal. You may be over-
taken ; pursuit is almost certain ; it may be successful ; if
so, you must tear the letter I shall give you to fragments,
so small that all detection of its contents may be impossible.
Sell your life dearly; this I counsel you, since a horrible
death would be reserved for you if taken prisoner. Above
all, don't betray me.'
' I swear it ! ' said I solemnly, as I held up my hand in
evidence of the oath.
' Should you, however, escaping all peril, reach Guajua-
qualla in safety, you will deliver this letter to the Senhor
Estaban Olares, a well-known banker of that town. He
will present you with any reward you think sufficient
for your services, the peril of which cannot be estimated
beforehand. This done — and here, mark me! I expect
your perfect fidelity — all tie is severed between us. You
are never to speak of me so long as I live ; nor, if by any
sun of Fortune we should chance to meet again in life,
are you to recognise me. You need be at no loss for the
reasons of this request : the position in which I am here
placed — the ignominy of an unjust sentence, as great as
the shame of the heaviest guilt — will tell you why I
stipulate for this. Are we agreed ? '
' We are. When do I set out ? '
'To-morrow, by daybreak; leave this a little before
your usual time, pass out of the village, and, taking the
path that skirts the beech-wood, make for the Indian
ground — you know the spot — at the cedar-tree, close to
that you will find your horse all ready — the letter is here.'
Now for the first time her voice trembled slightly, and for
an instant or two she seemed irresolute. ' My mind is
sometimes so shaken by suffering,' said she, ' that I scarcely
dare to trust its guidance ; and even now I feel as if the
confidence I am about to place in an utter stranger, in
an '
1 Outcast, you would say,' said I, finishing what she
428 THE CONFESSIONS OF
faltered at. ' Do not fear, then, one humbled as I have
been can take offence at an epithet.'
'Nor is it one such as I am who have the right to
confer it,' said she, wiping the heavy drops from her eyes :
— ' Good-bye, for ever ! since, if you keep your pledge, we
are never to meet again.' She gave me her hand, which
I kissed twice, and then, turning away, she passed into
the house ; and before I even knew that she was gone, I
was standing alone in the garden, wondering if what had
just occurred could be real.
If my journey was not without incident and adventure,
neither were they of a character which it is necessary I
should inflict upon my reader, who doubtless ere this has
felt all the wearisome monotony of prairie life by reflec-
tion. Enough that I say, after an interesting mistake of
the 'trail,' which led me above a hundred miles astray,
I crossed the Conchas River within a week, and reached
Chihuahua, a city of considerable size, and far more
pretentious than any I had yet seen in the ' Far West.'
Built on the narrow gorge of two abrupt mountains,
the little town consists of one great straggling street,
which occupies each side of a torrent that descends in a
great tumbling mass of foam and spray along its rocky
course. It was the time of the monthly market or fair
when I arrived, and the streets were crowded with
peasants and muleteers in every imaginable costume.
The houses were mostly built with projecting balconies,
from which gay-coloured carpets and bright draperies
hung down, while female figures sat lounging and smoking
their cigarettes above ; the aspect of the place was at
once picturesque and novel. Great wooden waggons of
melons and cucumbers, nuts, casks of olive-oil and wine ;
bales of bright scarlet cloth, in the dye of which they
excel ; pottery ware ; droves of mustangs, fresh caught
and capering in all their native wildness ; flocks of white
goats, from the Cerzo Gorde, whose wool is almost as fine
as the Llama's ; piles of firearms from Birmingham and
CON CREGAN 429
Li^ge, around which groups of admiring Indians were
always gathered ; paroquets and scarlet jays, in cages ;
richly ornamented housings for mule teams ; brass-
mounted saddles, and a mass of other articles, littered
and blocked up the way, so that all passage was extremely
difficult.
Before I approached the city, I had been canvassing
with myself how best I might escape from the prying
inquisitiveness to which every stranger is exposed on
entering a new community. I might have spared myself
the trouble, for I found that I was perfectly unnoticed in
the motley throng with which I mingled.
My strong-boned, high-bred mustang, indeed, called
forth many a compliment as I rode past, but none had
any eye, nor even a word, for the rider. At last, as I was
approaching the inn, I beheld a small knot of men, whose
dress and looks were not unfamiliar to me; and in a
moment after I remembered that they were the Yankee
horse-dealers I had met with at Austin some years before.
As time had changed me far more than them, I trusted to
escape recognition, not being by any means desirous of
renewing the acquaintance. I ought to say, that besides
my Mexican costume, I wore a very imposing pair of black
moustaches and beard, the growth of two years at La
Noria, so that detection was not very easy.
While I was endeavouring to push my way between
two huge hampers of tomatoes and lemons, one of this
group, whom I at once recognised as Seth Chiseller, laid
his hand on my beast's shoulder, and said, in Spanish, ' The
mustang is for sale ? '
' No, senhor,' said I, with a true Mexican flourish ; ' he
and all mine stand at your disposal, but I would not sell
him.'
Not heeding much the hackneyed courtesy of my
speech, he passed his hands along the animal's legs, feeling
his tendons and grasping his neat pasterns. Then, pro-
ceeding to the hocks, he examined them carefully; after
430 THE CONFESSIONS OF
which he stepped a pace or two backwards, the better to
survey him, when he said, ' Move him along in a gentle
trot.'
'Excuse me, senhor, I came here to buy, not to sell.
This animal I do not mean to part with.'
' Not if I were to offer you five hundred dollars ? ' said
he, still staring at the beast.
'Not if you were to say a thousand, senhor,' said I
haughtily ; ' and now pray let me pass into the court, for
we are both in need of refreshment.'
' He an't no Mexican, that 'ere chap,' whispered one of
the group to Chiseller.
' He sits more like a Texan,' muttered another.
'He'll be the devil, or a Choctaw outright, but Seth
will have his beast out of him,' said another with a laugh ;
and with this the group opened to leave me a free passage
into the inn-yard.
All the easy assurance I could put on did not convince
myself that my fears were not written in my face as I
rode forward. To be sure I did swagger to the top of
my bent ; and as I flung myself from the saddle, I made
my rifle, my brass scabbard, my sabretache, and my spurs
perform a crash that drew many a dark eye to the
windows, and set many a fan fluttering in attractive
coquetry.
'What a handsome caballero! how graceful and well-
looking ! ' I thought I could read in their flashing glances ;
and how pleasant was such an imaginary amende for the
neglect I had suffered hitherto.
Having commended my beast to the hands of the ostler,
I entered the inn with all the swaggering assurance of my
supposed calling, but, in good earnest, with anything but
an easy heart at the vicinity of Seth and his followers.
The public room into which I passed was crowded with
the dealers of the fair, in busy and noisy discussion of
their several bargains ; and had I been perfectly free of
all personal anxieties, the study of their various counten-
CON CREGAN 431
ances, costumes, and manners, had been most amusing,
combining as they did every strange nationality — from
the pale-faced, hatchet-featured New Englander, to the
full-eyed, swarthy descendant of old Spain; the mongrel
Frenchman of New Orleans, with the half-breed of the
prairies, more savage in feature than the Pawnee himself ;
the shining negro, the sallow Yankee, the Jew from the
Havannah, and the buccaneerlike sailor, who commanded
his sloop, and accompanied him as a species of bodyguard
— were all studies in their way, and full of subject for
after-thought.
In this motley assemblage it may easily be conceived
that I mingled unnoticed, and sat down to my mess of
' frijoles with garlic ' without even a passing observation.
As I ate on, however, I was far from pleased by remarking
that Seth and another had taken their seats at a table
right opposite, and kept their eyes full on me, with what,
in better society, had been a most impudent stare. I
affected not to perceive this, and even treated myself to
a flask of French wine, with the air of a man revelling in
undisturbed enjoyment; but all the rich bouquet, all the
delicious flavour, were lost upon me; the sense of some
impending danger overpowered all else, and let me look
which way I would, Seth and his buff-leather jacket, his
high boots, immense spurs, and enormous horse-pistols,
rose up before me like a vision.
I read in the changeful expression of his features the
struggle between doubt and conviction as to whether he
had seen me before. I saw what was passing in his mind,
and I tried a thousand little arts and devices to mystify
him. If I drank my wine, I always threw out the last
drops of each glass upon the floor; when I smoked, I
rolled my cigar between my palms, and patted and
squeezed it in genuine Mexican fashion. I turned up the
points of my moustache like a true hidalgo, and played
Spaniard to the very top of my bent.
Not only did these airs seem not to throw him off the
432 THE CONFESSIONS OF
scent, but I remarked that he eyed me more suspiciously,
and often conversed in whispers with his companion.
My anxiety had now increased to a sense of fever, and I
saw that if nothing else should do so, agitation alone would
betray me. I accordingly arose* and called the waiter to
show me to a room.
It was not without difficulty that one could be had, and
that was a miserable little cell, whitewashed, and with no
other furniture than a mattress and two chairs. At least,
however, I was alone; I was relieved from the basilisk
glances of that confounded horse-dealer, and I threw my-
self down on my mattress in comparative ease of mind,
when suddenly I heard a smart tap at the door, and a
voice called out, with a very Yankee accent, ' I say, friend,
I want a word with you.'
I replied in Spanish, that if any one wanted me, they
must wait till I had taken my siesta.
' Take your siesta another time, and open your door at
once ; or mayhap 1 11 do it myself ! '
'Well, sir,' said I, as I threw it open, and feigning a
look of angry indignation, the better to conceal my fear ;
'what is so very urgently the matter that a traveller
cannot take his rest without being disturbed in this
fashion ? '
' Hoity-toity ! what a pucker you 're in, boy ! ' said he,
shutting the door behind him ; ' and we old friends, too ! '
' When, or where, have we ever met before ? ' asked I
boldly.
' For the " where " — it was up at Austin, in Texas ; for
the "when" — something like three years bygone.'
I shook my head, with a saucy smile of incredulity.
' Nay, nay, don't push me farther than I want to go, lad.
Let bygones be bygones, and tell me what 's the price of
your beast yonder.'
' I '11 not sell the mustang,' said I stoutly.
' Ay, but you will, boy, and to me, too ! And it 's Seth
Chiseller says it ! '
CON CREGAN 433
' No man can presume to compel another to part with
his horse against his will, I suppose?' said I, affecting a
coolness I did not feel.
' There 's many a stranger thing than that happens in
these wild parts. I 've known many a chap ride away with
a beast — just without any question at all ! '
'That was a robbery!' exclaimed I, in an effort at
virtuous indignation.
' It warn't far off from it,' responded Seth ; ' but there 's
a reward for the fellow's apprehension, and there it be ! '
and as he spoke he threw a printed handbill on the table,
of which all that I could read with my swimming eyes
were the words, " One Hundred Dollars Reward " — " a
mare called Charcoal " — " taking the down trail towards
the San Jose.'"
' There was no use in carrying that piece of paper so
far,' said I, pitching it contemptuously away.
' And why so, lad ? ' asked he, peering inquisitively at me.
' Because this took place in Texas, and here we are in
Mexico.'
'Mayhap in strict law that might be something,' said
he calmly ; ' but were I to chance upon him, why shouldn't
I pass a running-knot over his wrists, and throw him
behind me on one of my horses? Who's to say "You
shan't?" or who's to stop a fellow that can ride at the
head of thirty well-mounted lads, with Colt's revolvers at
the saddle-bow— tell me that, boy ! '
'In the first place,' said I, 'the fellow who would let
himself be taken and slung on your crupper, like a calf for
market, deserves nothing better, and particularly so long
as he owned a four-barrelled pistol like this !' — and here I
drew the formidable weapon from my breast, and held it
presented towards him, in a manner that it is rarely agree-
able to confront.
' Put down your irons, lad,' said he, with the very slightest
appearance of agitation in his manner, 'we'll come to
terms without burning powder.'
13 2e
434 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' I ask for nothing better,' said I, putting up my weapon ;
' but I '11 not stand being threatened.'
He gave a short dry laugh, as though the conceit of my
speech amused him, and said, 'Now to business — I want
that mustang.'
' You shall have him, Seth,' said I, ' the day he reaches
Guajuaqualla, whither I am bound in all haste.'
' I am a-going north,' said Seth gruffly, ' and not in that
direction.'
' You can send one of your people along with me to
fetch him back.'
' Better to leave him with me now, and take a hack for
the journey,' said he. This was rather too much for my
temper, and I ventured to say that he who was to receive
a present should scarcely dictate the conditions accom-
panying it.
' It 's a ransom, boy — a forfeit — not a present,' said he
gravely.
1 Let us see if you can enforce it, then,' said I, instinc-
tively grasping the weapon within my coat breast.
' There, now, you 're angry again ! ' said he, with his im-
perturbable smile ; ' if we 're to have a deal together, let us
do it like gentlemen.'
Now probably a more ludicrous caricature of that
character could not have been drawn than either in the
persons, the manners, or the subject of the transaction in
hand ; but the word was talismanic, and no sooner had
he uttered it than I became amenable to his very slightest
suggestion.
' Let me have the beast — I want him ; and I see your
holsters and saddle-bags have a jingle in them that tells
me dollars are plenty with you ; and as to this ' — he threw
the piece of paper offering the reward at his feet — 'the
man who says anything about it will have to account with
Seth Chiseller — that 's all.'
' How far is it from this to Guajuaqualla ? '
' About a hundred and twenty miles by the regular
CON CREGAN 435
road, but there 's a trail the miners follow makes it forty
less. Not that I would advise you to try that line ; the
runaway niggers and the half-breeds are always loitering
about there, and they 're over ready with the bowie-knife,
if tempted by a dollar or two.'
Our conversation now took an easy, almost a friendly
tone. Seth knew the country and its inhabitants per-
fectly, and became freely communicative in discussing
them, and all his dealings with them.
'Let us have a flask of " Aguadente,'" said he, at last,
( and then we '11 join the fandango in the court beneath.'
Both propositions were sufficiently to my taste ; and by
way of showing that no trace of any ill-feeling lingered in
my mind, I ordered an excellent supper and two flasks of
the best Amontillado.
Seth expanded under the influence of the grape into a
most agreeable companion. His personal adventures had
been most numerous, and many of them highly exciting ;
and although a certain Yankee suspiciousness of every man
and his motives tinged all he said, there was a hearty tone
of good-nature about him vastly different from what I had
given him credit for.
The Amontillado being discussed, Seth ordered some
Mexican ' Paquaretta,' of delicious flavour, of which every
glass seemed to inspire one with brighter views of life ;
nor is it any wonder if my fancy converted the rural
belles of the courtyard into beauties of the first order.
The scene was a very picturesque one. A trellised
passage roofed with spreading vines in full bearing, ran
around the four sides of the building, in the open space of
which the dancers were assembled. Gay lamps of painted
paper and rude pine-torches lit up the whole, and gave to
the party-coloured and showy costumes an elegance and
brilliancy which the severer test of daylight might have
been ungenerous enough to deny. The olive-brown com-
plexion — the flashing dark eyes — the graceful gestures —
the inspiriting music — the merry voices — the laughter —
436 THE CONFESSIONS OF
were all too many ingredients of pleasure to put into that
little crucible, the human heart, and not amalgamate into
something very like enchantment — a result to which the
Paquaretta perhaps contributed.
Into this gay throng Seth and I descended like men
determined, in Mexican phrase, to ' take pleasure by both
horns.' It was at the very climax of the evening's amuse-
ment we entered. The dance was the Mexican fandango,
which is performed in this wise : A lady stepping into the
circle, after displaying her attractions in a variety of grace-
ful evolutions, makes the ' tour ' of the party in search of
the caballero she desires to take as her partner. It is at
his option either to decline the honour by a gesture of
deferential humility, or accepting it, he gives her some
part of his equipment — his hat, his scarf, or his embroidered
riding-glove, to be afterwards redeemed as a forfeit, the
great amusement of the scene consisting in the strange
penalties exacted, which are invariably awarded with a
scrupulous attention to the peculiar temperament of the
sufferer. Thus, a miserly fellow is certain to be mulcted
of his money; an unwieldy mass of fears and terrors is
condemned to some feat of horsemanship ; a gourmand is
sentenced to a dish of the least appetising nature, and so
on: each is obliged to an expiation which is certain to
amuse the bystanders. While these are the 'blanks' in
the lottery, the prizes consist in the soft seductive glances
of eyes that have lost nothing of Castilian fire in their trans-
planting beyond seas — in the graceful gestures of a partner
to whom the native dance is like an expressive language,
and whose motions are more eloquent than words — in
being, perhaps, the favoured of her whose choice has
made you the hidalgo of the evening ; and all these, even
without the aid of Paquaretta, are no slight distinctions.
Were the seductions less attractive, it is not a man
whose Irish blood has been set a-glowing with Spanish
wine who is best fitted to resist them, nor assuredly ought
Con Cregan to be selected for such self-denial. I stood
CON CREGAN 437
in the circle with wondering admiration, delighted with
everything. Oh happy youth ! glorious hour of the balmy
night ! excellent grape- juice ! how much of delicious enjoy-
ment do I owe you all three ! I suppose it is the case with
every one, but I know it to be with me, that wherever I
am, or however situated, I immediately single out some
particular object for my especial predilection. If it be a
landscape, I at once pitch upon the spot for a cottage,
a temple, or a villa ; if it be a house, I instantly settle in
my mind the room I would take as my own, the window I
would sit beside, the very chair I 'd take to lounge in ; if
it be a garden, I fix upon the walk among whose
embowering blossoms I would always be found; and so,
if the occasion be one of festive enjoyment, I have a
quick eye to catch her whose air and appearance possess
highest attractions for me. Not always for me the most
beautiful — whose faultless outlines a sculptor would like
to chisel, but one whose fair form and loveliness are
suggestive of the visions one has had in boyhood, filling
up, in rich colours, the mind-drawn picture we have so
often gazed on, and made the heroine of a hundred little
love-stories, only known to one's own heart. And, oh
dear ! are not these about the very best of our adventures ?
At least, if they be not, they are certainly those we look
back on with fewest self-reproaches.
In a mood of this kind it was that my eye rested upon
a slightly formed but graceful girl, whose dark eyes twice
or thrice had met my own, and been withdrawn again with
a kind of indolent reluctance — as I fancied — very flattering
to me. She wore the square piece of scarlet cloth on her
head, so fashionable among the Mexican peasantry, the
corners of which hung down with heavy gold tassels
among the clusters of her raven locks ; a yellow scarf,
of the brightest hue, was gracefully thrown over one
shoulder, and served to heighten the brilliancy of her
olive tint; her jupe, short and looped up with a golden
cord, displayed a matchless instep and ankle. There was
438 THE CONFESSIONS OF
an air of pride— fierte, even — in the position of the foot,
as she stood, that harmonised admirably with the erect
carriage of her head, and the graceful composure of her
crossed arms made her a perfect picture. Nor was I
quite certain that she did not know this herself; certain
is it, her air, her attitude, her every gesture, were in the
most complete keeping with her costume.
She was not one of the dancers, but stood among the
spectators, and, if I were to pronounce from the glances
she bestowed upon the circle, not one of the most
admiring there — her features either wearing an ex-
pression of passive indifference, or changing to a half
smile of scornful contempt. As, with an interest which
increased at each moment, I watched her movements,
I saw that her scarf was gently pulled by a hand from
behind; she turned abruptly, and, with a gesture of
almost ineffable scorn, said some few words, and then
moved proudly away to another part of the court.
Through the vacant spot she had quitted I was able
to see him who had addressed her. He was a young,
powerfully built fellow, in the dress of a mountaineer;
and though evidently of the peasant class, his dress and
arms evinced that he was well to do in the world. The
gold drop of his sombrero, the rich bullion tassels of his
sash, the massive spurs of solid silver, being all evidences
of wealth. Not even the tan-coloured hue of his dark
face could mask the flush of anger upon it as the girl
moved off; and his black eyes, as they followed, glowed
like fire. To my amazement his glance was next bent
upon me, and that, with an expression of hatred there
was no mistaking. At first I thought it might have been
mere fancy on my part; then, I explained it as the
unvanished cloud still lingering on his features; but at
last I saw plainly that the insulting looks were meant
for myself. Let me look which side I would, let me occupy
my attention how I might, the fellow's swarthy, sullen
face never turned from me for an instant.
CD
CON CREGAN 439
I suppose something must have betrayed to my com-
panion what was passing within me, for Seth whispered in
my ear, ' Take no notice of him — he 's a Ranchero, and they
are always bad 'uns to deal with.'
' But what cause of quarrel can he have with me ? ' said
I ; ' we never saw each other before.'
' Don't you see what it is ? ' said Seth ; ' it 's the muchacha,
she 's his sweetheart, and she 's been a-looking too long this
way to please him.'
' Well, if the girl has got such good taste,' said I, with a
saucy laugh, ' he ought to prize her the more for it.'
1 She is a neat 'un, that 's a fact,' muttered Seth ; and at
the same instant the girl walked proudly up to where I
stood, and making a low curtsy before me, held out her
hand. I suppose there must have been a little more than
the ordinary enthusiasm in the manner I pressed my lips
upon it, for she blushed, and a little murmur ran round the
circle. The next moment we were whirling along in the
waltz, I, at least, lost to everything save the proud
pleasure of what I deemed my triumph. The music
suddenly changed to the fandango, of which dance I was
a perfect master ; and now the graceful elegance of my
partner, and the warm plaudits of the company, called
forth my utmost exertions. As for her, she was the most
bewitching representative of her native measure it is
possible to conceive, her changeful expression following
every movement of the dance : now retiring in shrinking
bashfulness, now advancing with proud and haughty mien,
now enticing to pursuit by looks of languishment, now,
as if daring all advances, her flashing eyes would almost
sparkle with defiance.
What a terrible battery was this to open upon the
defenceless breastwork of a poor Irishman ! How with-
stand the showering grape-shot of dark glances ? — how
resist the assault of graces that lurked in every smile
and every gesture ! Alas ! I never attempted a defence ;
I surrendered not ' at,' but ' without,' discretion, and
440 THE CONFESSIONS OF
tearing off the great embroidered scarf which I wore, all
heavy with its gold fringe, I passed it round her taper
waist in a very transport of enthusiasm.
While a buzz of approbation ran round the circle, I
heard the words uttered on all sides, ' Destago ! ' 'A
forfeit!'
'I'll try his gallantry,' said the girl, as darting back
from my arms she retired to the very verge of the
circle, and holding up the rich prize, gazed at it with
wondering eyes ; and now, exclamations of praise and
surprise at the beauty of the tissue broke from all in
turn.
' The muchacha should keep the " capotillo," ' said an old
lynx-eyed duenna, with a fan as large as a fire-board.
' A caballero rich as that should give her a necklace of
real pearls,' said another.
' I 'd choose a mustang, with a saddle and trappings all
studded with silver,' muttered a third in her ear.
' I '11 have none of these,' said the girl, musing ; ■ I must
bethink me well if I cannot find something I shall like
to look at with pleasure, when mere dress and finery
would have lost their charm. I must have that which
will remind me of this evening a long time hence, and
make me think of him who made its happiness ; and
now what shall it be ? '
' His heart's blood, if that will content you ! ' cried the
mountaineer, as, springing from his seat, he tore the scarf
from her hands and dashed it on the ground, trampling it
beneath his feet, and tearing it to very rags.
' A fight — a fight ! ' shouted out a number of voices ; and
now the crowd closed in upon the dancing space, and a
hundred tongues mingled in wild altercation. Although
a few professed themselves indignant that a stranger
should be thus insulted, I saw plainly that the majority
were with their countryman, whom they agreed in re-
garding as a most outraged and injured individual. To
my great astonishment I discovered that my friend Seth
CON CREGAN 441
took the same view of the matter, and was even more
energetic than the others in reprobation of my conduct.
'Don't you see,' cried he to me, 'that you have taken
his sweetheart from him? The muchacha has done all
this to provoke his jealousy.'
'Oui, oui,' said a thin, miserable-looking Frenchman,
' vous avez tire le vin ; il f aut payer la bouteille.'
In all probability, had not the crowd separated us
most effectually, these comments and counsels had been
all uttered ' after the fact ' ; for I dashed forward to
strike my antagonist, and was only held back by main
force, as Seth whispered in my ear, ' Take it coolly, lad ;
it must be a fight now, and don't unsteady your hand
by flying into a passion.'
Meanwhile the noise and confusion waxed louder and
louder, and from the glances directed towards me there
was very little doubt how strongly public opinion pro-
nounced against me.
' No, no ! ' broke in Seth — in reply to some speech whose
purport I could only guess at, for I did not hear the words
— 'that would be a downright shame. Let the lad have
fair-play. There's a pretty bit of ground outside the
garden, for either sword or pistol-work, whichever you
choose it to be. I '11 not stand anything else.'
Another very fiery discussion ensued upon this, the end
of which was that I was led away by Seth and one of his
comrades to my room, with the satisfactory assurance that
at the very first dawn of day I was to meet the Mexican
peasant in single combat.
'You have two good hours of sleep before you,' said
Seth, as we entered my room, ' and my advice is, don't lose
a minute of them.'
It has been a mystery to me, up to the very hour
I am writing in, how far my friend Seth Chiseller's
conduct on this occasion accorded with good faith.
Certainly, it would have been impossible for any one to
have evinced a more chivalrous regard for my honour,
442 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and a more contemptuous disdain for my life, than the
aforesaid Seth. He advanced fully one hundred reasons
for a deadly combat, the results of which, he confessed,
were speculative matters of a most dreamy indifference.
Now, although it has almost become an axiom in these
affairs that there is nothing like a bold decided friend,
yet even these qualities may be carried to excess.
There was a vindictiveness in the way he expatiated
upon the gross character of the insult I had received, the
palpable openness of the outrage, that showed the liveliest
susceptibility on the score of my reputation ; and thus it
came to pass, I suppose, from that spirit of divergence and
contradiction so native to the human heart, that the
stronger Seth's argument ran in favour of a most bloody
retribution, the more ingenious grew my casuistry on the
side of mercy; till, grown weary of my sophistry, he
finished the discussion by saying, 'Take your own road,
then, and if you prefer a stiletto under the ribs to the
chance of a sabre-cut, it 's your own affair, not mine,'
' How so ? why should I have to fear such ? '
'You don't think that the villano will suffer a fellow
to take his muchacha from him, and dance with her the
entire evening before a whole company, without his
revenge ? No ! no ! they have different notions on that
score, as you 11 soon learn.'
' Then what is to be done ? '
'I have told you already, and I tell you once more:
meet him to-morrow; the time is not very distant now.
You tell me that you are a fair swordsman ; now these
chaps have but one attack and one guard. I '11 put you up
to both ; and if you are content to take a slight sabre-cut
about the left shoulder, I'll show you how to run him
through the body.'
'And then?'
'Why then,' said he, turning his tobacco about in his
mouth, 'I guess you'd better run for it. There'll be
no time to lose. Mount your beast, and ride for the
CON CREGAN 443
Guajuaqualla road ; but don't follow it long, or you '11
soon be overtaken. Turn the beast loose, and take to
the mountains, where, when you've struck the miner's
track, you '11 soon reach the town in safety.'
Overborne by arguments and reasons — many of which
Seth strengthened by the pithy apothegm of ' Bethink ye
where ye are, boy! This is not England, nor Ireland
neither ! ' — all my scruples vanished, and I set about the
various arrangements in a spirit of true activity. The
time was brief, since, besides taking a lesson in the broad-
sword, I had to make my will. The reader will probably
smile at the notion of Con Cregan leaving a testament
behind him; but the over-scrupulous Seth would have it
so, and assured me, with much feeling, that it would ' save a
world of trouble hereafter, if anything were to go a bit ugly.'
I therefore bequeathed to the worthy Seth my mustang
and his equipments of saddle, holsters, and cloak-bag ; my
rifle, and pistols, and bowie-knife were also to become
his, as well as all my movables of every kind. I only
stipulated that, in the event of the 'ugly' termination
alluded to, he would convey the letter with his own hands
to Guajuaqualla — a pledge he gave with the greater readi-
ness that a reward was to be rendered for the service.
There was some seventy dollars in my bag which, Seth
said, need not be mentioned in the will, as they would
be needed for the funeral. 'It's costly hereabouts,' said
he, growing quite lively on the theme. ' They put you in a
great basket, all decked with flowers, and they sticks two
big oranges or lemons in your hands ; and the chaps as
carry you are dressed like devils or angels, I don't much
know which — and they do make such a cry ! my eye for it,
but if you wasn't dead, you 'd not lie there long and listen
to 'em ! '
Now, although the subject was not one-half so amusing
to me as it seemed to Seth, I felt that strange fascination
which ever attaches to a painful theme, and asked a
variety of questions about the grave, and the ceremonies,
444 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and the masses, reminding my executor that, as a good
Catholic, I hoped I should have the offices of the Church in
all liberality.
' Don't distress yourself about that,' said he, ' I '11 learn
a lot of prayers in Latin myself — " just to help you on," as
a body might say ; but, as I live, there goes the chaps to
the " Molino " ' ; and he pointed to a group of about a dozen
or more, who, wrapped up in their large cloaks, took the
way slowly and silently through the tall wet grass at the
bottom of the garden.
I have ever been too candid with my kind reader to
conceal anything from him. Let him not, therefore, I
beg, think the worse of me, if I own that, at the sight of
that procession, a strange and most uncomfortable feeling
pervaded me. There seemed something so purposelike in
their steady, regular tramp. There was a look of cold
determination in their movement that chilled me to the
heart. ' Only to think,' muttered I, ' how they have left
their beds on this raw, damp morning, at the risk of colds,
catarrhs, and rheumatism, all to murder a poor young
fellow who never injured one of them ! '
Not a thought had I for the muchacha — the cause of all
my trouble ; my faculties were limited to a little routine,
of which I myself was the centre, and I puzzled my brain
in thinking over the human anatomy, and trying to
remember all I had ever heard of the most fatal localities,
and where one could be carved and sliced with the fullest
impunity.
' Come along ! ' said Seth, ' we 've no time to lose — we
must look out for a cheap mustang to wait for you on the
Guajuaqualla road, and I have to fetch my sword, for this
thing of yours is full eight inches too short.' Seth now
took my arm, and I felt myself involuntarily throwing a
glance at the little objects I owned about the room — as it
were a farewell look.
' What are you searching for ? ' said he, as I inserted my
hand into my breast-pocket.
CON CREGAN 445
' It 's all right,' said I ; ' I wanted to see that I had the
senhora's letter safe. If — if — anything — you understand
me — eh ? '
'Yes, yes; I'll look to it. They shan't bury you with
it,' said he, with a diabolical grin, which made me
positively detest him for the moment.
If Mr. Ohiseller was deficient in the finer sympathies of
our nature, he was endowed with a rare spirit of practical
readiness. The mustang was found in the very first
stable we entered, and hired for a day's pleasure — so he
called it— for the sum of two crowns. A mountain lad
was despatched to hold him for my coming, at a certain
spot on the road. The sabre was fetched from his
chamber, and in less than five minutes we were on our
way to the Molino, fully equipped and ' ready for the fray.'
' Don't forget what I told you about the face guard —
always keep the hilt of your weapon straight between
your eyes, and hold the elbow low.' This he kept repeat-
ing continually as we went along, till I found myself
muttering the words after him mechanically, without
attaching the slightest meaning to them. ' The villain is
a strong muscular chap, and perhaps he '11 be for breaking
down your guard by mere force, and cleaving you down
with a stroke. If he tries it, you 've only to spring actively
to one side and give him your point, anywhere about the
chest.' From this he proceeded to discuss a hundred little
subtleties and stratagems the Mexicans are familiar with
— so that at last I regretted, from the very bottom of my
soul, that the gage of battle had not fallen upon Seth him-
self, so much more worthy in every way of the distinction.
If I seemed full of attention to all he was saying, my
thoughts, in truth be it spoken, were travelling a vastly
different road. I was engaged in the performance of a
little mental catechism, which ran somewhat in this wise :
' If you escape this peril, Master Con, will it not be wise to
eschew fandangoes in future ; or, at least, not indulge in
them with other men's sweethearts ? Beware, besides, of
446 THE CONFESSIONS OF
horse-dealers, or Xeres and Paquaretta ; and, above all, of
such indiscretions as may make the " Seth Chisellers " of
this world your masters!' Ay, there was the sum and
substance of my sorrows; that unlucky step about
Charry and the lottery-ticket placed me in a situation
from which there was no issue. I now saw, what many
have seen before, and many will doubtless see again, that
crime has other penalties besides legal ones, and that the
difficulty of conforming to an assumed good character,
with even one lapse from the path of honesty, is very
considerable.
' Are you attending to me, lad ? ' cried Seth impatiently.
' I was telling you about the cross-guard for the head.'
1 1 have not heard one word of it,' said I frankly ; ' nor
is it of the least consequence. All the talk in the world
couldn't make a swordsman, still less would a few passing
hints like those you give me. If the villano be the better
man, there 's an end of the matter.'
Seth, less convinced by my reasonings than offended at
them, spoke no more, and we approached the Molino in
silence. As we neared the spot, we perceived the party
seated in a little arbour, and by their gestures, as well as
by a most savoury odour of garlic, evidently eating their
breakfast.
'The fellows are jolly,' said Seth; 'had we not better
follow their example? Here is a nice spot, and a table
just at hand.' At the same time he called out, ' Muchacho,
pon el vino en la mesa, and we'll think of somewhat to
eat.'
I tried to seem indifferent, and at my ease, but it was no
use. The vicinity of the other group, and, in particular, of
a certain broad-shouldered member of it, whom I could
detect through the leaves, and who certainly did not eat
with the air of a man who felt it to be his last breakfast,
spoiled all my efforts, and nipped them even as they
budded.
' You don't eat,' said Seth ; ' look at the villano yonder.'
CON CREGAN 447
1 1 see him,' said I curtly.
' See how he lays in his prog ! '
' Let him show that he can be as dexterous with the
broadsword as with a carving-knife,' said I, with a
tremendous effort.
' Egad ! I'll tell him that,' cried Seth, jumping up and
hastening across the garden. I had not long to wait for
the effect of the speech. Scarcely had Chiseller uttered a
few words than the whole party arose, and such a volley
of ' Maldicion ! ' and ' Caramba ! ' and other like terms I
never heard before or since.
' I knew that would make 'em blaze up,' said he ;
' they 're all ready now — follow me.' I obeyed, and walked
after him into a little paddock, which, from the marks of
feet and other signs, seemed to be a spot not chosen for
the first time for such an amusement. The others entered
by an opposite gate, and, taking off their cloaks, folded
them carefully and laid them on the benches. They were
armed to the very teeth, and really did look amazingly
like the troop of brigands Drury Lane would produce in a
new melodrama.
One of the party advanced towards Seth to arrange
preliminaries, while the rest lighted their cigars and
began smoking — an example I deemed it wise to imitate ;
at least, it looked cool.
As I sat, affecting to admire the landscape, and totally
careless of what was going on behind me, I overheard Seth
in a warm altercation on the subject of my sabre, which
the villano's friend insisted was at least eight or nine
inches too long. Seth, however, was equally obstinate in
asserting that I had always used it, had fought repeated
duels with it, and if we could not call the principals as
witnesses, it was for certain cogent reasons that need not
be mentioned. How I chuckled at this bit of boastful-
ness ! how I prayed that it might terrify the enemy !
Nothing of the kind : the semi-savage stepped out into the
circle, with his shirt-sleeves rolled up to the shoulder,
448 THE CONFESSIONS OF
displaying an arm whose muscular development was like
knotted cordage. As if to give a foretaste of what he
intended for me, he clove down the stout branch of an
elm-tree with a single stroke, and with the ease of a man
slicing a cheese. Never did I think so meanly of a
fandango as at that moment ; never was I in a mood less
lenient to female coquetry !
' All 's ready, Con, my hearty,' whispered Seth, leaning
over my shoulder ; ' here 's the tool.'
If I had followed the instinct then strongest, I should
have treated my ' friend ' Seth to the first of my maiden
sword. But for him But it was too late for regrets ;
and already the group had retired, leaving the villano
standing in a position of formidable defence alone in the
circle.
I can remember that I walked calmly and slowly
forward to the spot assigned me. I can remember the
word being given to draw swords ; and I even yet can see
the flashing steel as it glistened, and hear the clang of the
scabbards as we flung them from us ; but of the encounter
itself I have only the vaguest impression. Cuts, thrusts,
parries, advances and retirings, feints and guards, are all
blended up with the exclamations of the bystanders, as,
in praise or censure, they followed the encounter. At last,
without knowing why, after a warm rally, my antagonist
uttered a faint cry, and tottering a few paces back, let
fall his sword, and sank heavily to the earth. I sprang
forward in dread anxiety, but two of the others held me
back, while they cried out, ' Basta — Basta, senhor ! ' I
tried to force my way past them, but they held me
fast ; and all that I could see was one of the group take
up the villano's arm, and let it go again, when it fell
heavily to the ground with a dull bang I shall never
forget ! They then threw his cloak over him, and I saw
him no more.
' What are ye waitin' for, lad ? ' whispered Seth. ' You
don't want to attend his funeral, I reckon ? '
CON CREGAN 449
'Is he — is he ?' I couldn't get the word out for
worlds.
' By course he is, and so will you be if ye don't make a
bolt of it.'
I have some recollection of an angry altercation between
Seth and myself — I refusing, and he insisting on my instant
flight ; but it ended somehow in my finding myself gallop-
ing along the Guajuaqualla road at a furious pace, and, to
my extreme surprise, feeling now as eager about my safety
as before I had been indifferent to it.
I became conscious of this from the sense of uneasiness
I experienced as each horseman neared me, and the danger
of pursuit aroused in me the instinct of self-preservation.
A rude sign-post at the foot of a rugged mountain-path
apprised me where the 'miners' trail' led off to Guajua-
qualla ; so, dismounting from my mustang, now wearied
and blown by a pretty sharp pace for above seven miles,
I turned the animal loose, and set off on foot. I know of no
descent so great in life as from the ' saddle ' to the ' sole ' !
from the inspiriting pleasure of being carried along at will,
to the plodding slowness of mere pedestrianism. In the one
case you ' shoot your sorrows flying,' in the other, they jog
alongside of you all the way, halting with you when you
lie down at noon, and taking share of the spring from
which your parched lips are refreshed. Like an underbred
acquaintance, they will not be denied; they are always
' going your way' ; and in their cruel civility they insist on
bearing you company.
At a little cabaret of the very humblest order, I
obtained some breakfast, and made purchase of a stock
of bread and a gourd of wine, as I learned that nothing
was to be had before I reached ' Sanchez,' the hut of an
old miner, which was reckoned half-way to Guajuaqualla.
This done, again I set forth on my journey.
The scenery was wild without being grand. There
was bareness and desolation, but no sublimity. It was
evidently a tract of such inferior fertility that few in a
13 2f
450 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
land so rich as this would select it for a resting-place ; and
accordingly I came upon no signs of habitation other than
the shealings the shepherds raise at certain seasons when
migrating with their flocks among the mountains.
It was exactly the character of landscape likely to
increase and thicken the gloom of sad thoughts ; and,
indeed, mine wanted little assistance. This last exploit
left a weight like lead upon my heart. All my sophistry
about self-defence and wounded honour, necessity, and
the like, could not cover the fact that I had taken away
a man's life in a foolish brawl, from the very outset of
which the whole fault lay on my side.
'So much,' said I, 'for trying to be a "gentleman."
Every step in this disastrous pursuit would seem to have
a penalty attached to it ; and, after all, I am just as far
from the goal as when I set out.'
That day seemed a year in length ; and were I to attempt
to chronicle it, the reader would confess himself convinced
before I had half finished ; so that, for both our sakes, I '11
not 'file my bill of particulars,' as my respected father
would have said, but at once come to the hour when the
sun approached the horizon, and yet not anything like a
human dwelling came in sight ; and I still plodded along,
sad and weary, and anxious for rest. If the events which
I am about to record have little in them of extraordinary
interest, they at least were the turning-points in my
humble destiny, and, therefore, kind reader, with your
permission, we 11 give them a chapter to themselves,
THE DISCOVERY
HAD walked now for nearly twelve
hours without discovering any appearance of Sanchez'
cabin, in which I had hoped to pass the night. My
prairie experience assured me that I had not lost the
'trail,' and yet if any light were burning for miles
around, the elevated spot on which I stood should
make it visible. Although much fatigued, there was
nothing for it but to proceed, and, at length, I found
myself in a narrow valley, which Seth had heard described
as the situation in which the miner's hut stood. It was
dark and gloomy, but the hope that I was nearing
the spot cheered me, and I walked on, footsore and
tired as I was. Once or twice I thought I heard the
bark of a dog. I stopped to listen. I shouted aloud, I
whistled, but to no end. After an interval, however, the
452 THE CONFESSIONS OF
sounds were repeated, and now I could detect — not the
bark — but the low plaintive wail of an animal seemingly
in pain. As it not unfrequently happens that the sheep-
dogs are attacked by wolves, it immediately occurred to
me such might be the present case, so I looked to the
caps of my revolver, and hastened on in the direction of
the cries.
The wailing sounds grew fuller and louder as I
advanced, and now I could distinguish that they were
the cries of an animal in grief, and not of one in bodily
pain. I increased my speed to the utmost, and suddenly I
felt the warm tongue of a dog touch my hand, and his tail
brush my legs, in sign of friendly welcome. I stopped to
pat and caress him, but the poor creature uttered another
cry so full of sorrow that all other thoughts were routed
on the instant.
He now preceded me, turning at each moment as if to
see that I followed, and whining in a low faint tone, as
before. We had not long proceeded thus, when he stopped
suddenly, and set up a cry the most shrill and heart-thrill-
ing. I saw that we were in front of a miserable shealing,
the door of which lay open ; but all was dark within. I
struck a light with my flint and lighted a little taper. To
my surprise, the hut contained several articles of furniture ;
but I had not more than time to notice them, when the
dog, darting forward, placed his fore-paws upon a low
settle-bed, and gave a dismal howl. I turned, and beheld
the figure of a very old man, his white beard hanging down
to his chest, as he lay in what seemed a heavy sleep. I
touched him ; he was cold. I placed my hand on his heart ;
it was still. I tried to detect breathing ; there was none
— he was quite dead !
The poor dog appeared to watch me with intense
interest, as, one by one, I tried these different signs of
life ; but when he saw the hand fall heavily from my own,
he again set up his cries, which now lasted for several
minutes. The scene was a sad and touching one. The
CON CREGAN 453
poor old miner — for such his dress and the scattered
implements of the craft bespoke him — forgotten by all
the world save by his dog, lay in all the seeming calm of
sleep. A cup of water stood near him, and a little wooden
crucifix lay on the bed, where probably it had fallen from
his fingers. Everything around betokened great poverty.
The few articles of furniture seemed as if they had been
fashioned by himself, being of the rudest workmanship :
his lamp was a dried gourd, and his one chair had been
a stump, hollowed out with a hatchet. The most striking
feature of all was a number of printed paragraphs, cut
from old newspapers and magazines, and nailed against
the planking of the hut; and these seemed to convey a
little history of the old miner, so far, at least, as the bent
and object of his life were implied. They were all, without
exception, exaggerated and high-flown accounts of newly
discovered placers — rich mines of gold — some in the dark
plains of the Ukraine, some in the deep forests of Mexico,
some in the interior of Africa, and on the far-away shores
of the Pacific. Promises of golden harvest, visions of wealth
rolling in vast abundance, great oceans of gain before the
parched and thirsting lips of toil and famine ! Little
thought they who, half in the wantonness of fancy,
coloured these descriptions, what seeds they were sowing
in many a rugged nature ! what feverish passions they
were engendering ! what lures to wile men on and on,
through youth and manhood and age, with one terrible
fascination to enslave them !
If many of these contained interesting scraps of
adventure and enterprise in remote and strange countries,
others were merely dry and succinct notices of the dis-
covery of gold in particular places, announcements which
nothing short of an innate devotion to the one theme
could possibly have dwelt upon; and these, if I were to
judge from the situations they occupied, were the most
favoured paragraphs, and those most frequently read
over : they were the daily food with which he fed his
454 THE CONFESSIONS OF
hope, through, doubtless, long years of suffering and toil.
It was the oil which replenished the lamp when the wick
had burned to the very socket !
How one could fancy the old gambusino as he sat
before his winter fire, half dozing in the solitude of his
uncompanionable existence, revelling in all the illusions
with which his mind was filled! With what sympathy
must he have followed his fellow-labourers in every far-
away quarter of the globe! how mourned over their
disappointments, how exulted in their successes! These
little scraps and sentences were the only links that tied
him to the world — they were all that spoke to him of his
own species !
As I went about the hut, the appearance of the greatest
poverty and privation struck me on every side : his cloth-
ing, worn to very tatters, had been mended by skins of
beasts and patches of canvas; the tools with which he
worked showed marks of rude repair, that proved how ' he
to himself sufficed,' without aid from others.
I passed the night without sleep, my mind full of the
melancholy picture before me. When day broke, I walked
forth into the cool air to refresh myself, and found, to my
astonishment, that the spot had been a placer of once
great repute, at least so the remains around attested. The
ruined framework of miners' huts — the great massive
furnaces for smelting — huge cradles, as they are called,
for gold sifting — long troughs, formed of hollowed trunks,
for washing — lay scattered on all sides. The number of
these showed what importance the spot had once possessed,
and the rotten condition in which they now were proved
how long it had been deserted by all save him, who was
now to take his rest, where, for many a weary year, he
had toiled and laboured.
A little cross, decorated with those insignia of torture
so frequently seen in Catholic countries — the pincers, the
scourge, and the crown of thorns — showed where Piety
had raised an altar beside that of Mammon, and under-
CON CREGAN 455
neath this I resolved to lay the poor old gambusino's
bones, as in a Christian grave. I could not divest my
mind of the impression, that some power, higher than
mere chance, had led me to the spot, to perform those last
offices to the poor outcast. Having eaten my breakfast,
which I shared with the dog, I set to work to fashion
something that should serve as a coffin. There was timber
in abundance, and the old miner's tools sufficed for all I
needed. My labour, however, was only completed as night
closed in, so that I was obliged to wait for morning to
finish my task.
Wearied by my exertions, I slept soundly, and never
awoke till the bright sunbeams pierced through the chinks
of the log-hut, and streamed in amidst its dusky atmo-
sphere ; then I arose and placed the old man in his coffin.
I sat down beside it, and, as I looked at the calm, cold
features, I could not help reflecting that even he had not
been more an outcast from his fellows than I was myself.
If fate had cast his lot in the solitude of this dreary region,
he was not more alone in the world than I, who had
neither home nor family. How strange was it, too, that
it should have devolved upon me to pay him these last
rites. No — no— this could not be accident. The longer
I dwelt upon this theme, the more strongly was I im-
pressed by this one conviction ; and now, looking back,
after the lapse of years, that feeling is but more confirmed
by time.
Taking the shovel and the pick, I set forth to dig the
grave, the poor dog following at my heels, as though
knowing in what cause I was labouring. The earth was
hard and stony, so that at first I made but little progress,
but soon I reached a clayey, soft soil, which again was
succeeded by a dense, firm stratum of stones, impacted
closely together, like a pavement made by hands ; indeed
it was difficult to conceive it otherwise, the stones being
so nearly of the same size, and laid down with a regu-
larity so striking and purposelike. I proceeded to loosen
456 THE CONFESSIONS OF
them with the barreta, but, to my surprise, no sooner
had I displaced this layer than another exactly similar
displayed itself underneath. If this be 'Nature's handi-
work,' thought I, ' it is the strangest thing I ever saw.' I
laboured hard to remove this second tier, and now came
down upon a light gravelly soil, into which the barreta
passed easily. Shall I own that it was with a sense of
disappointment that I perceived this ? It was not that my
expectations had taken any distinct or palpable form, but
their vagueness somehow had not excluded hope !
As I struck down the iron barreta into the light earth,
I sat down and fell into a musing fit, from which the dog
aroused me by licking my hands, and looking up into my
face, as though reproaching me for deserting my task. I
arose at once, and set to work in right earnest. The grave
was now full five feet in depth, and needed only to be
made a little longer. It was after about an hour's hard
labour, and my task was all but completed, when the
barreta struck a stone which it was requisite to move ;
it was a large and heavy one, and much more firmly
impacted in the earth than I at first supposed, and it was
only by splintering it with the iron ' crow ' that I was able
to succeed. As I lifted the fragments and threw them
away, my hands came in contact with a soft substance
underneath, that, to the feel at least, resembled the skin
of a beast with the wool or hair on. I cleared away the
earth, and saw, to my astonishment, what I at once knew
to be a piece of buffalo-hide, smeared over with a peculiar
oil the Indians use to prevent rotting or decomposition.
I drew forth my knife and ripped it open ; a strong skin
of undressed buck was now laid bare ; again I applied my
knife vigorously to this, and as the sharp steel ran freely
along, a glittering heap of gold disclosed itself before me,
and rolled in fragments to my feet !
I cannot attempt to describe the emotions of that
moment, as, with a heart bursting with delight, I ran
my fingers through the heaps of shining metal, many of
CON CREGAN 457
them larger than my closed fist. I pulled off my cap and
filled it ; I opened my handkerchief, and in a few moments
that also was crammed ; I stuffed my pockets, but the
treasure seemed inexhaustible. I arose, and hastened to
the hut for the great canvas bag in which the poor miner
used to keep his chestnuts, and oh ! the terror that came
over me now, lest I should be seen, lest any other should
discover me. With the speed that fear alone can supply
I soon filled the sack, not alone with gold, but also with
several little leather bags, which I discovered contained
gems and precious stones, emeralds principally, with opals,
sapphires, and rubies, some of a size and colour I had
never seen equalled before. There were eight of these
bags marked with some enigmatical letters, of which I
did not know the meaning, nor, in good truth, did I puzzle
myself to discover. The wealth, unbounded as it seemed,
needed no explanation ; there it lay glittering upon the
grass beneath the morning sun, and there I sat amidst
it, as Aladdin might have sat amidst the treasures of his
mine.
As I opened the bags one after another, in eager
impatience, I came upon one filled with papers, and these
I quickly discovered were receipts for deposits of large
sums placed at various times in the hands of Don Xafire
Hijaros, banker, at Guajuaqualla, by Menelaus Crick !
Yes, these were the hidden treasures for which the
Black Boatswain of Anticosti had endured the tortures of
the burning iron and the steel, the terrible agonies of the
flesh pincers, and the slow, lingering pains of paralysis.
These, then, were the visions that haunted his dotage in
the very night I had seen him, as he struggled in some
imaginary conflict, and patted the ground in some fancied
act of concealment ! A sudden chill ran through me as I
thought by what horrible deeds of crime and blood all
this treasure might — nay, must — have been amassed !
what terrible acts of murder and assassination! Many
of the gems were richly set, and showed that they had
458 THE CONFESSIONS OF
been worn. Some of the emeralds had been extracted
from ornaments, or taken from the hilts of daggers or
swords. Violence and blood had stained them all! there
could not be a doubt of it. And now there arose within
me a strange conflict, in which the thirst for wealth
warred with a feeling of superstition, that whispered,
' No luck could go with gain so bought ! ' The perspiration
rolled in great drops down my face ; my heart swelled and
throbbed with its emotions ; the arteries of my temples
beat with a force that seemed to smite the very brain, as
I canvassed this vital question, 'Dare I touch wealth so
associated with deeds of infamy ? '
If my wishes arranged themselves on one side, all my
fears were marshalled on the other, and what foes can
wage a more terrible conflict! The world, with its most
attractive pleasures, its thousand fascinations, all the
delusions that gold can buy, and convert into realities,
beckoned here. Horrible fancies of an unknown ven-
geance, a Nemesis in crime unexpiated, menaced there !
May I never have to preside in a court where the evidence
is so strongly opposed, where the facts are so equally
balanced ! If, at one instant, I beheld myself the gorgeous
millionaire, launching forth into the wide ocean of unex-
plored enjoyment, at the next I saw myself crawling upon
the earth, maimed and crippled like the old negro slave,
a curse upon me, the cries of widowed mothers ringing
in my ears, the curses of ruined fathers tracking me
wherever I went! I cannot tell what verdict my poor
impannelled conscience might have brought in at last;
but suddenly a new witness appeared in the court, and
gave a most decided turn to the case. This was no less
than ' the Church,' whose testimony gently insinuated that
if the matter were one of difficulty, it was not yet without
a solution. ' It is true, Master Con,' whispered she, ' that
these treasures have an odour of rapine, but let us see if
the Church cannot purify them. A silver lamp to the
Virgin can throw a lustre upon deeds that have not
CON CREGAN 459
" loved the light." An embroidered petticoat can cover a
great many small sins ; and the incense that rises from a
gold censer, offered by pious hands, will do much to
correct the pungency of even the saltest tears. Build a
chapel, Con ; endow a nunnery ! '
What a revulsion did this bright thought give to all
my previous doubtings ! not only satisfying my scruples
here, but suggesting very comfortable associations for
hereafter. By this proceeding, Con, thought I, you are
' hedging against hereafter ' ; you may be a Sardanapalus
while you live, and a saint after death : it 's betting upon
the ' double event,' with all the odds in your favour.
I must say, for the sake of my credit, that I resolved to
' do the thing handsomely ' ; and I determined that if a
' Saint Cregan ' could be discovered in the catalogue, I 'd
adopt him as my patron, at any cost; neither would I
forget the poor old miner in my pious offerings ; he should
have masses said for him for a full twelvemonth to come,
and I 'd offer a silver pick-axe to any of the calendar who
would deign to accept it. In a word, there was nothing
that money could do (and what can it not do?) that I
would not engage to perform, so that the Church should
consent to take me into partnership.
Never was a poor head exposed to such a conflict of
discordant thought. Plans of pleasures and pilgrimages ;
gorgeous visions of enjoyment, warring with fancies of
sackcloth and scourges ; sumptuous dinners, equipages,
theatres, balls, and festivities, mingling with fastings,
processions, and mortifications, made up a chaos only a
shade above downright insanity.
The day wore on, and it was late in the afternoon ere I
bethought me of the poor gambusino, beside whose open
grave I still sat, lost in speculation. ' Poor fellow ! ' said I,
as I hoisted his coffin on my shoulder, ' you have got a rich
pall-bearer for one who died in such poverty; you little
thought you would be borne to the grave by a millionaire!'
As I said this — I shame to own it — there was a tinge of
460 THE CONFESSIONS OF
self-commendation in the notion, as though inferring —
* See what a noble fellow I am ! with gold and gems such
as an emperor might envy ; and yet look at me, carrying
a poor old miner's body to the grave, just as if we were
equals ! '
' It 's very handsome of you, Con — that I must say ! '
whispered I to myself; but, somehow, the poor dog did
not appear to take the same exalted notion of my magna-
nimity, but was entirely engrossed by his sorrow ; for he
lay crouching upon the earth, uttering cries the most
piteous and heart-rending at each shovelful I threw in
the grave.
' Cheer up, poor fellow ! ' said I, patting him, ' you shall
have a gold collar, and a clasp of real emerald.' How
naturally does a rich man recur to wealth as the cure for
every affliction! How difficult for him to believe that
gold is not a sovereign remedy for all disorders.
As for the dog, poor brute ! he took no more heed of
my consolation than he noticed my altered condition — of
which, by his familiarity, he showed himself totally uncon-
scious. How differently had he behaved, thought I, had
he been a man ! What sudden respect had he felt for me
— what natural reluctance to obtrude himself on me — how
honoured by my notice — how distinguished by my favour !
It is plain the dog is a very inferior animal; his percep-
tions are not fine enough to distinguish between the man
of wealth and the pauper !
These and very similar reflections engaged me while I
completed my task, after which I carried my precious
burthens off, and deposited them within the hut. By this
time I was very hungry, but had nothing to eat save the
fragments that remained from my breakfast — a singular
meal for one who, in a fitting place, could have dined
sumptuously, and off vessels of gold and silver ! I had the
appetite of a poor man, however, and ate heartily; and
then, taking my gourd of wine, sat down beside a little
spring that issued from the rock to think over my future.
CON CREGAN 461
Perhaps my whole life — not wanting in hours of
pleasure and enjoyment — never presented anything so
truly delightful as that evening.
The season of gratification which I had dreamed of,
sighed, panted, and prayed for, was now to be mine. I
was at last to be a ' gentleman,' so far, at least, as immense
wealth and a very decided taste for spending it could
make me. But were these, I flatteringly asked myself, all
my qualifications? Was I not master of three or four
languages ? Had I not become an expert shot, an excellent
rider, a graceful dancer, with some skill upon the guitar
and the mandolin ? Could I not contend in most exercises
where strength and activity were required with any?
Had I not travelled and seen something of the world and
its ways ? Ay, marry, and a little more of both than was
usual for young gentlemen of fortune !
Of personal advantages it might not become me to
speak ; but the truth requires me to say that nature had
dealt very handsomely by me. And now, I ask of the fair
reader — the unfair one I put out of court on the occasion
— 'are not these very pretty chances with which to woo
fortune ? ' Less sanguine spirits would perhaps have
sighed for more, and asked for a hundred gifts of whose
use and value I knew nothing — such as birth, family
influence, and the like. As for me, I was content with
the ' hand of trumps ' Fate had dealt me ; I owned frankly,
that if I lost the game, it must be for lack of skill, and
not of luck.
My plans were very simple. Once at Guajuaqualla, I
should find out where Donna Maria de los Dolores lived,
and then, providing myself with a suitable equipage and
servants, I should proceed to pay my addresses in all form,
affecting to have resumed my real rank and station, from
which on our first acquaintance a passing caprice had
withdrawn me. I anticipated, of course, very shrewd
inquiries as to my family and fortune ; but I trusted to
f native wit ' to satisfy these, secretly resolving at the time
462 THE CONFESSIONS OF
that I would avoid lying for the future; and apropos of
this propensity, I had never indulged in it save from that
vagrant impulse that tempts a child to scamper over the
flower-plat of a garden instead of keeping to the gravel —
the great charm being found in the secret that it 'was
wrong.' And, oh, ye dear, good, excellent souls whose
instincts are always correct, who can pass knockers on
doors and not wish to wring them off ! — who see gas-lamps
in lonely spots, and never think of breaking them; who
neither ' humbug ' the stupid nor mystify the vain ; who
' take life ' seriously — forgive the semi-barbarism of our
Celtic tastes, which leads us to regard ' fun ' as the very
honey of existence, and leads us to extract it from every
flower in life's path !
When I ' lied ' — as only the great ' Pinto ' ever lied more
atrociously — I was more amused by my own extrava-
gances than were my listeners. I threw out my inventions
among stupid folk, as a rich man flings his guinea among
a group of beggars, to enjoy the squabbling and contend-
ing for such an unlooked-for prize.
And now I was going to abandon the habit, as one
unsuited to the responsibilities of a rich man's station!
Oh dear, what a sigh honest Jack Falstaff* must have
heaved when he swore 'he would eschew sack and low
company and live cleanly.'
I now addressed myself more practically to my work,
and, seeing that it would be quite impossible for me to
carry the great bulk of my treasure to Guajuaqualla, I
replaced the canvas sack, with the gold, and some of the
largest bags of the gems, in the ground, and merely took
those that contained the paper securities, and some of
the more valuable emeralds, along with me.
In parting with my wealth, even for a short absence,
I confess my feelings were very poignant. A thousand
fears beset me, and I turned to survey the spot beneath
which it lay, wondering if there was any indication to
mark the concealed riches below. All, however, looked
CON CREGAN 463
safe and plausible, and I proceeded on my way, with a
heart as easy as, I suppose, rich men's hearts are permitted
to be.
I believe the road along which I journeyed lay in the
midst of a fertile and pleasing tract — I believe, I say,
for I own I saw nothing of it. The river along which I
walked seemed silver, molten silver to me ; the fruit-trees
bore apples of pure gold ; the stars which studded the
morning sky seemed sapphires and diamonds ; the dew-
drops on the grass were opals all. If I sat down to rest
myself, I instantly took one of my precious bags from
my pocket, to gaze at the bright treasures it contained,
and feast my eyes with brilliancy.
At last I found myself on the great highroad, and as
the sign-post told me, only tres leguas — three leagues —
from Guajuaqualla. For a few copper coins I obtained a
seat upon a peasant's carro, and journeyed along more
agreeably, secretly laughing to myself at the strange con-
veyance that carried ' Caesar and his fortunes.'
The peasant was an old man, who lived by selling
water-melons, gourds, and cucumbers in the city, and
knew most of its well-known inhabitants. It was there-
fore a good opportunity for me to learn something of
those in whom I was interested. He told me that the
banker, Don Xafire Hijaros, had died several years ago,
but that his son Manuel carried on the business, and was
reputed to be the richest man in Guajuaqualla. It was
said that the great wealth of the house had been accu-
mulated in ways and by means that would not bear too
close scrutiny. Large sums had been, it was alleged,
lodged in his hands by negroes and Indians, working
at the mines, the owners of which were often made away
with — at least, few of those who made large deposits
ever lived to claim them. The peasant told me several
stories in illustration of this suspicion ; but although they
certainly did make an impression upon me, I attributed
much to the exaggeration so common to every piece of
464 THE CONFESSIONS OF
local gossip, arid I had seen enough in the world to
know how frequently successful industry meets dispar-
agement.
As for Don Estaban Olarez, the old man told me that
he had once been extremely rich, but that certain specula-
tions he had entered into, having proved unfortunate,
he had lost the greater part of his fortune, and lived now
in a state of comparative retirement about a league from
Guajuaqualla. This piece of news had not the depressing
effect upon me it might be supposed, since I augured that
a rich son-in-law would be less scrupulously interrogated
by the broken merchant than by the millionaire. I even
speculated on the manner I should adopt to dazzle him by
my splendour, and with what cold and cutting irony I
would address the Fra Miguel, and thank him for the
considerate kindness with which he had repaid my services.
Haughty and proud, with a dash of condescension, 'that
must be my tone,' said I ; and so I went on, like my proto-
type in the Eastern tale, ruminating upon my power and
my merciful disposition, till I had warmed my blood to a
very good tyrant pitch, from which state I was aroused by
the guard at the gate of the town, asking if I had any-
thing with me which should pay custom.
' A poor traveller with his knapsack,' said I, ' may surely
pass freely.'
' Vaya con Dios,' said he carelessly, and I entered the
city.
Although the little plain in which Guajuaqualla stands
is more favourable as a site than the narrow gorge where
Chehuahua is situated, the city itself is inferior to the
latter. Built irregularly, not only as chance or caprice
directed, but sharing in all the vicissitudes of speculation
which the mines afforded, great palaces stand by the side
of mean hovels, and gorgeous churches are flanked by
abodes of squalid poverty. Streets, properly speaking,
there were none, each choosing the spot for his house
at will; and as the city was founded in troubled times,
CON CREGAN 465
when lawless violence was unrestrained, the fortresslike
character of the buildings was often conspicuous. Massive
iron bars and stanchions protected the windows of the
ground-floors — heavy fastenings secured the doors, whose
surface was a fretwork of iron. Loopholes for musketry,
usually guarded each side of the entrance, and a grille,
like that of a convent, showed that no stranger could be
admitted uninterrogated. Many of the houses were sur-
rounded by regular outworks of moat and bastion, while
here and there an old rusty cannon, half hid among the
weeds, would show more pretentious, though possibly not
very efficient means of defence.
Of shrines, holy wells, and altars, there was no end.
The superstitious character of the gambusino life had
been adroitly laid hold of by the priests, who rarely fail
to turn each phase of existence to their own profit, and,
in this spot, the priestly hierarchy appeared to have
nothing so near at heart as the success of the placers.
Here were pictured virgins, looking blandly down at a
group of very ill-favoured half-breeds at a washing ; there
was an old negro, presenting a massive lump of gold to
St. Joseph, who, with a sly look, seemed to promise not
to forget the donor. St. Francis himself, pick in hand,
was seen labouring at the head of a sturdy gang of
workmen, and angels of all sizes appeared to busy them-
selves in gold seeking, as though it were their natural
pastime.
Upon several of the altars, pieces of solid gold and
silver lay, in a security that said much for the religious
zeal of the inhabitants, while lamps of pure silver hung
in a profusion on every side, surrounded by votive offer-
ings of the same metal — such as shovels, barretas, picks,
and sieves. Nor did piety limit itself merely to incentives
to ' stand well with the saints ' ; some most terrible
examples of the opposite line of conduct were conspicu-
ously displayed. Pictures, representing dreadful catas-
trophes, by falling masses of rock, irruptions of torrents,
13 2g
466 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and down - pouring cataracts, showed what fates were
in store for those who 'forgot the Church.' And, as if
to heighten the effect, whenever a cayman or a jaguar was
'sloping off' with a miner in his mouth, a respectable
saint was sure to be detected in the offing, wiping his
eyes in compassion, but not stirring a finger to his
assistance.
I will not say that these specimens of pictorial piety
induced any strong religious feeling to my mind, but they
certainly amused me highly, and although hungry from
a long fast, I stopped full twenty times on my way to
the Posada to gaze and wonder at them.
At the ' Mono ' (the ' Ape '), a beast, which, at first I
mistook for a certain historical character, to whom
popular prejudice always vouchsafes a tail, I put up,
and having discussed a very sumptuous breakfast, sent
for the landlord, a little dark-visaged Jew from Per-
nambuco.
' I hear,' said I, arranging myself in an attitude of
imposing elegance, ' I hear, Sefihor Maestro, that my
people and equipages have not arrived yet, and I begin
to feel a great anxiety for their safety. Can you learn
from any of the muleros if they have seen two carriages,
with four mules each, on the Chehuahua road ? '
' I have just inquired,' said the Jew, with a sly, almost
impertinent leer, ' and his Excellency's suite have not been
seen.'
' How provoking ! ' said I impatiently ; ' this comes
of indulging that capricious taste for adventure which
always inclines me to a solitary ramble among mountains ;
and now, here I am, without clothes, baggage, horses,
servants — in fact, with nothing that a person of my con-
dition is accustomed to have about him.'
The Jew's face changed its expression during this
speech, and from a look of droll malice, which it wore at
first, assumed an air of almost open insolence, as he
said —
CON CREGAN 467
■ Serihor Viajador, I am too old to be imposed upon by
these fooleries. The traveller who enters an inn on his
feet, with ragged clothes and tattered shoes, takes too
high a flight when he raves of equipage and followers.'
I bethought me of the lesson I once gave the mate of
the transport ship at Quebec, and I lay back indolently
in my chair, and stared coolly at the Jew. ' Son of
Abraham,' said I, with a slow intonation, ' take care what
you say. I indulge in a vast variety of caprices, some
of which the severe world calls follies ; but there is one
which I never permit myself — namely, to suffer the
slightest liberty on the part of an inferior. I give you
this piece of information for your guidance, since it is
possible that business with the banker Don Manuel Hijaros
may detain me a few days in this place, and I desire that
the lesson be not lost upon you.'
The Jew stood while I delivered these words a perfect
picture of doubt and embarrassment. The pretentious
tone, contrasted with the ragged apparel — the air of
insufferable pride, with all the semblance of poverty, and
the calm composure of confidence, seemed to him singular
features in one whose apparent destitution might have
suggested humility.
' I see your embarrassment,' said I, ' and I forgive your
error ; and now to business. I have several visits to pay
in this neighbourhood ; my people may not arrive for a
day or two, and I cannot afford the delay of waiting for
them. Can you tell if there be anything suitable in the
way of equipage for a man of rank to be had here? Some-
thing simple, of course, as befitting the place — a plain
carriage, with four mules — if Andalusian, all the better;
two lazadores, or outriders, will be sufficient, as I wish
to avoid display ; the liveries and equipment may be
plain also.'
'There is at this moment, serihor, the open carriage
of the late Gobernador of Guajuaqualla to be sold ; he
had not used it when he was called away by death ; that
468 THE CONFESSIONS OF
and his six mules — not Andalusian, it is true, but of the
black breed of the Havannah, are now at your Excellency's
disposal.'
' And the price,' said I, not seeming to notice the half-
impertinent smile that curled his lip as he spoke.
'Three thousand crowns, senhor — less than half their
cost.'
1 A mere trifle,' said I carelessly, ' if the carriage please
me.'
' Your Excellency can see it in the court beneath.'
I followed the Jew as he led the way into the open
cour, and, after passing across it, we entered a spacious
building, where, amidst a whole hospital of ruined and
dilapidated caleches, carres, and waggons, stood a most
beautiful -britzska, evidently imitated from some London
or Parisian model. It was of a dark chocolate colour,
with rich linings of pale-blue silk. The arms of the late
Gobernador were to have been painted on the doors, but
fortunately were not begun when he died, so that the
carroza seemed in every respect a private one. The Jew
next showed me the team of mules, magnificent animals of
fifteen and a half hands in height, and in top condition.
The harness and housings were all equally splendid and
suitable.
' If your Excellency does not deem them unworthy of
you,' said he, with a smile of most treacherous meaning,
'they are certainly a great bargain. I have myself
advanced fifteen hundred piastres upon them.'
'I'll take them,' said I curtly; 'and now for the
servants.'
' The coachman and a few lackeys are here still, your
Excellency ; but their liveries had not been ordered when
the sad event occurred.'
'Send the first tailor in the place to my apartment,'
said I ; ' and if there be a diamond merchant, or a gem
valuer here, let him come also.'
' I am myself a dealer in precious stones, your Excel-
CON CREGAN 469
lency,' replied the Jew, with a more submissive air than
he had yet exhibited.
* Come with me, then,' said I ; * for I always carry some
of my less valuable trinkets about with me, as the least
cumbrous mode of taking money.' Leaving the landlord
in the sitting-room, I passed into my chamber, and speedily
re-entered with a handsome emerald ring upon my finger,
and a ruby brooch of great size in my breast.
The Jew's eyes were lit up with a lustre only inferior to
that of the gems as he saw them, and, in a voice tremulous
with eagerness, he said, ' Will your Excellency dispose of
these ? '
' Yes,' said I carelessly ; ' there are others also which I
am determined to turn into cash. What value would you
put upon this ring ? '
' Five hundred crowns, senhor, if it be really as pure as
it seems.'
' If that be your valuation, friend,' rejoined I, ' I would
be a purchaser, not a seller, in this city. That gem cost me
six thousand piastres ! To be sure, something of the price
must be laid to the charge of historical associations. It
was the present of the Sultan Al Hadgid ak Meerun-al-
Roon, to the Empress Matilda.'
1 Six thousand piastres ! ' echoed the Jew, whose
astonishment stopped short at the sum, without any
regard for the great names I had hurled at him. ' I
believe I may have paid a trifle too much,' said I, smiling ;
'the Prince of Syracuse thought it dear. But then here
is a much more valuable stone, which only cost as
much ' ; and so saying, I took from my pocket an immense
emerald, which had once formed the ornament of a
dagger.
' Ah, Dios ! that is fine,' said the Jew, as he held it
between him and the light ; ' and were it not for the flaw,
would be a rare prize ! '
' Were it not for the flaw, friend,' said I, ' it would still
be where it stood for upwards of eight hundred years — in
470 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the royal crown of Hungary — in the " Schatz-Kammer " of
Presburg. The Emperor Joseph had it mounted in his
own poniard; from his hands it reached the Calton's of
Auersberg, and then, at the value of six thousand piastres,
by a wager, came into my own.'
' And at what price would you now dispose of it ?' asked
he timidly.
' A friend might have it for ten thousand,' said I calmly ;
' to the world at large the price would be twelve.'
' Ah, your Excellency ! such sums rest not in our
humble city! You must go to Madrid or Grenada for
wealth like that.'
'So I suspect,' said I coolly. 'I will content myself
with depositing them with my banker for the present ; to
sell them here would be a needless sacrifice of them.'
' And yet, senhor, I would willingly be the purchaser of
that gem,' said he, as he stood, fascinated by the lustre of
the stone, from which he could not take his eyes. ' If six
thousand five hundred piastres '
' I have said ten to a friend, my honest Israelite,' inter-
rupted I.
'I am but a poor man, your Excellency — a poor,
struggling, hard-working man — content if he but gain
the humblest profit by his labour ; say, then, seven
thousand piastres, and I will sell my mules to make up
the amount.'
'I will say twelve, and not a doubloon less, "Senhor
Judio," but a friend may have it for ten.'
' Ah ! if your " Alteza " would but say eight. Eight
thousand piastres counted down upon the table in honest
silver,' said he, and the tears stood in his eyes as he
supplicated.
' Be it so,' said I, ' but upon one condition. Should you
ever reveal this, or should you speak of the transaction in
any way, there is no manner of evil and mischief I will not
work you. If it costs me half my fortune, I will be your
ruin ; for I refused to part with that same to the Primate
CON CREGAN 471
of Seville, and he would never forgive me if the story-
should reach his ears.'
The Jew wished the Patriarchs to witness his oath
of secrecy, and though each of us was well aware that
the other was lying, somehow we seemed satisfied by the
exchange of our false coinage. I suppose we acted on the
same principle as the thieves who could not keep their
hands out of each other's pockets, although they knew
well there was nothing there.
Whatever the Jew's suspicion of the means by which I
had become possessed of such wealth, he prudently thought
that he might reap more profit by falling in with my plans
than by needlessly scrutinising my character ; and, so far,
he judged wisely.
The contract for the carriage I completed on the spot,
and having engaged the servants and ordered their liveries
— plain suits of brown with gold tags, aiguillettes — I gave
directions for my own wearing apparel, in a style of costly
magnificence that confirmed me in the title of ' Alteza,'
given by all who came in contact with me. These occupa-
tions occupied the entire morning, and it was only late in
the afternoon that I had spare time to recreate myself
by a walk in the garden of the inn before dinner — a
promenade which, I am free to own, was heightened in
its enjoyment by the rich rustling sounds of my heavy
silk robe de chambre, and the soft downy tread of my
velvet slippers on the smooth turf. It was a delicious
moment ! the very birds seemed to sing a little paean of
rejoicing at my good-luck; the flowers put forth their
sweetest odours as I passed, and I felt myself in ecstasy
with the whole creation, and in particular with that
segment of it called Con Cregan. And there be folk in
this world would call this egotism and vanity ; ay, and by
worse names too! As if it was not the very purest
philanthropy — as if my self-content did not spring from
the calm assurance that the goods of fortune were
bestowed in the right direction, and that the goddess
472 THE CONFESSIONS OF
whom men call ' fickle ' was in reality a most discriminat-
ing deity !
There are no two things in creation less alike than a
rich man and a poor one. Not only do all their thoughts,
feelings, and affections run in opposite channels, but their
judgments are different; and from the habit of presenting
particular aspects to the world, they come at last to
conform to the impressions conceived of them by the
public. The eccentricities of wealth are exalted into
fashions — the peculiarities of poverty are degraded to
downright vices.
' Oh, glorious metal ! ' exclaimed I, as I walked along,
'that smooths the roughest road of life, that makes the
toughest venison savoury, and renders the rudest associates
civil and compliant ! What insolence and contumely had I
not met with here, in this poor " Posada," had I only been
what my humble dress and mean exterior denoted ! And
now, what is there that I cannot exact — what demands can
I make, and hear that they are impossible ? '
' His Excellency's dinner is served,' said the host, as he
advanced, with many a low and obsequious salutation, to
announce my dinner.
I suppose that the cookery of the 'Mono' was not of
the very highest order, and that if presented before me
now it would meet but sorry acceptance from my more
educated palate; but at the time I speak of, it seemed
actually delicious. There appeared to arise faint odours
of savoury import, from dishes whose garlic would now
almost suffocate me, and I luxuriated in the flavour of
wine, every glass of which would, at this day, have put my
teeth on edge. If my enjoyment was great, however, I
took care not to let it appear too palpable ; on the con-
trary, I criticised and condemned with all the fastidious-
ness of a spoiled nature, and only condescended to taste
anything on the perpetual assurance of the host, that
' though very different from what his Excellency was used
to, it was exactly to the taste of the late Gobernador.'
CON CREGAN 473
I felt all the swelling importance of wealth within me
as I beheld the cringing lackeys and the obsequious host,
who never dared to carry himself erect in my presence
— the very meats seemed to send up an incense to my
nostrils. The gentle wind that shook the orange blossoms
seemed made to bear its odour to my senses — all nature
appeared tributary to my enjoyment. And only to
think of it ! all this adulation was for poor Con Cregan,
the convict's son, the houseless street-runner of Dublin,
the cabin-boy of the yacht, the flunkey at Quebec, the
penniless wanderer in Texas, the wag of the ' Noria ' in
Mexico — what a revulsion, and how sudden and unex-
pected !
It now became a matter of deep consideration within
me how I should support this unlooked-for change of
condition without betraying too palpably what the French
would call my ' antecedents.' As to my ' relatives ' — forgive
the poor pun — they gave me little trouble. I had often
remarked in life that vulgar wealth never exhibits itself
in a more absurd and odious light than when indulging in
pleasures of which the sole enjoyment is the amount of
the cost. The upstart rich man may sit in a gallery of
pictures where Titian, Velasquez, and Van Dyck have given
him a company, whose very countenances seem to despise
him, while he thinks of nothing save the price. If he listen
to Malibran, the only sense awakened is the cost of her
engagement ; and hence that stolid apathy — the lustreless
gaze — the unrelieved weariness he exhibits in society,
where it is the metal of the ' mind ' is clinking, and not the
metal of the ' mint.' To a certain extent I did not incur
great danger on this head. Nature had done me some
kind services, the chief of which was, she had made me an
Irishman !
There may seem — alas ! there is too great cause that
there should seem — something paradoxical in this boast
now, when sorrow and suffering are so much our portion,
but I speak only of the individuality which, above every
474 THE CONFESSIONS OF
other I have seen or heard of, invests a man with a spirit
to enjoy whatever is agreeable in life. Now this same
gift is a great safeguard against the vulgarity of purse-
pride, since the man who launches forth upon the open sea
of pleasure is rarely occupied by thoughts of self.
I felt a kind of gluttony for every delight that gold can
purchase. What palaces I would inhabit ; what equipages
I would drive ; what magnificent fetes I would give ; what
inimitable little dinners, where beauty, wit, and genius
alone should be gathered together; what music should I
possess in 'my private band,' what exotics in my con-
servatory ; and how I should dispense these fascinations ;
what happiness would I diffuse in the circle in which I
moved, and what a circle would that be ! It was to this
precise point my buoyant fancy had brought me, as the
second flask of champagne, iced almost to a crystal, had
warmed me into a glow of imaginative enthusiasm.
I fancied myself in a gilded saloon, where, amid the
glare of a thousand wax-lights, a brilliant company were
assembled. I thought that at each opening of the folding-
door a servant announced some name, illustrious from
position or great in reputation, and that around me, as I
stood, a group was gathered of all that was distinguished
in the world of fashion or celebrity. ' Your Royal High-
ness has made this the proudest day of my life,' said I,
rising and bowing reverentially before a faded old arm-
chair. • May I offer your Eminence a seat ? ' continued I,
to a red sofa-cushion I mistook for a cardinal. 'Your
Excellency is most heartily welcome,' said I to an empty
decanter; and so did I convert every adjunct of the
chamber into some distinguished personage, even to my
fast-expiring lamp, which, with a glimmering flame and
a nauseous odour, was gradually dying away, and which
I actually addressed as a great ambassador !
After this I conclude that I must have imagined myself
in the East, possibly taking a cup of sherbet with the
Sultan, or a chibouk with the Khan of Tammerkabund,
ON CREGAN 475
for when I became conscious once more, I found myself
upon the hearth-rug, where I had been enjoying a delicious
sleep for some hours.
'Would his Excellency desire to see his chamber ?' asked
the landlord, as, with a branch of candles, he stood in the
doorway.
I waved my hand in sign of assent, and followed him.
W WGR
GUAJUAQUALLA
HERE are few things in this world gold
cannot buy, but one among their number
assuredly is — 'a happy dream.' Now, although I went
to sleep in a great bed with damask hangings and a gilt
crown upon it, my pillow fringed with deep lace, my
coverlet of satin edged with gold, I dreamed the whole
night through of strifes, combats, and encounters. At
one time my enemy would be an Indian, at another a
half-breed, now a negro, now a jaguar or a rattlesnake ;
but with whom or whatever the struggle, it was always
for money ! Nothing else seemed to have any hold upon
my thoughts. Wealth, and wealth alone, appeared the
guiding principle of my being, and, as the penalty, I was
now to learn the ceaseless anxieties, the torturing dreads,
this passion begets.
With daylight, however, I awoke, and the bright sun
streaming in, brought the glorious reality of my happy lot
before me, and reminded me of the various duties my high
state imposed. My first care was to ascertain the amount
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 477
and security of my riches, and I resolved to proceed
regularly, and in the most businesslike manner, in the
matter. To this end I ordered my carriage, and proceeded
to pay my visit to the banker, Don Xafire.
I had devised and demolished full fifty ingenious narra-
tives of myself when I drove into the courtyard where
the banker resided, and found myself actually without one
single satisfactory account of who I was, whence I came,
and by what means I became possessed of the formidable
papers I carried. ' Let circumstances pilot the event ' was
my old maxim, and so saying, I entered.
The rattling tramp of my six mules, the cracking of
whips and the crash of the wheels, brought many a head
to the windows of the old gaol-like palace when my
carriage drove up to the door, and the two outriders
stood in ' a salute ' at each side while I descended. ' Sua
Eccelenza El Conde de Cregano' resounded through the
arched hall and passages, as an old servant in a tawdry
suit of threadbare livery led the way to Don Xafire's
private apartment.
After a brief wait in a large but meagrely furnished
chamber, an old man — or a middle-aged one, with a look of
age — entered, and with a profusion of ceremonial, in which
he assured me that his house, his wife, his oxen, his mules,
his asses, and in fact everything ' that was his,' stood at
my disposal, asked to what fortunate event he owed the
honour of my visit.
' I am the representative, Seiihor Xafire,' said I, ' of the
great house of Cregan and Company, of which doubtless
you have heard, whose ships walk the waters of the icy
seas, and lay at anchor amid the perfumes of the spice
islands, and whose traffic unites two hemispheres.'
'May they always be prosperous,' said the polite
Spaniard, bowing.
' They have hitherto enjoyed that blessing,' responded
I, almost thankfully. ' Even as the youngest member of
the firm, I have nothing to complain of on the score of
478 THE CONFESSIONS OF
prosperity.' I smiled, took forth a most gorgeous snuff-
box, all glittering with brilliants, and, presenting it to the
Spaniard, laid it carelessly on the table. After a brief
pause to let the splendour settle down into his heart, I
proceeded to inform him that in the course of commercial
transactions a vast number of bills, receipts for deposits,
and other securities, had fallen into our hands, upon many
of which we had advanced large sums, seeing that they
bore the name of that most respectable house, the Bank
of Don Xafire of Guajuaqualla. ' These would,' I added,
' have been dispersed through the various channels of
trade, had it not been the wish of my partners to open
distinct relations with your house, and consequently they
have retained the papers until a favourable occasion pre-
sented itself of personally making the proposition. This
happy opportunity has arisen by our recent purchase of
the great gold-mines of the " Arguareche " for seventy
millions of piastres, of which you may have read in the
Faros de la Habana.'
He bowed a humble negative, and I went on to state
that our mining operations requiring co-operation and
assistance, we desired to open relations with the great
house of Don Xafire, whose good fame was well estab-
lished on the 'Change of Liverpool.
' You spoke of paper-securities and such like, senhor ;
may I ask of what nature they are ? '
' You shall see them, Don Xafire,' said I, opening a very
magnificent pocket-book, and presenting first a receipt,
dated forty-eight years back, for the sum of twelve
thousand piastres in silver, and four bags, weighing two
hundred and eighty pounds of gold dust, from the hands
of Menelaus Crick, of the mines of Hajoras, near Guajua-
qualla. The Spaniard's dark cheek trembled, and a faint
tinge of sickly yellow seemed to replace the dusky olive of
his tint, as he said, ' This is but waste-paper, senhor, and I
trust your excellent house has advanced nothing on its
credit.'
CON CREGAN 479
' On the contrary, Senhor Banquiero,' responded I, • we
have given the full sum, being much advised thereto by
competent counsel.'
The battle was now opened and the combat begun.
It is needless I should weary my reader by recapitulat-
ing the tissue of inventions in which, as in a garment, I
wrapped myself. I saw quickly that if / was a rogue,
so was my antagonist, and that for every stratagem 7"
possessed, he was equally ready with another. At last,
pushed hard by his evasions, equivocations, and subter-
fuges, I was driven to utter a shadowy kind of menace, in
which I artfully contrived to mix the name of the General
Santa Anna— a word, in those days, of more than talis-
manic power.
'And this reminds me,' said I, 'that one of my suite,
who lost his way, and was taken prisoner in the Rocky
Mountains, committed to my charge a letter, in which, I
fancy, the general is interested.' This was a random shot,
but it struck the bull's-eye through the very centre. The
Sefihora Dias's letter was inclosed in an envelope, in which
a few words only were written ; but these, few as they
were, were sufficient to create considerable emotion in
Don Xafire, who retired into a window to read and re-
read them.
Another shot, thought I, and he 's disabled ! ' It is
needless, then, Don Xafire, to prolong an interview which
promises so little. I will therefore take my leave ; my
next communication will reach you through the General
Santa Anna.'
' May I not crave a little time for consideration, senhor ? '
said he humbly : ' these are weighty considerations ; there
may be other demands still heavier in store for us of the
same kind.'
' You are right, senhor ; there are other and still heavier
claims, as you very properly opine. Some of them I have
here with me ; others are in the hands of our house ; but
all shall be forthcoming, I assure you.'
480 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' What may be the gross amount, senhor ? ' said the
banker, trying, but very ineffectually, to look at his ease.
'Without pretending to minute accuracy, I should
guess the sum at something like seven hundred thousand
piastres — this, exclusive of certain claims for compensation
usual in cases of inquiry. You understand me, I believe.'
The last menace was a shot in the very centre of his
magazine, and so the little usurer felt it, as he fidgeted
among his papers, and concealed his face from me.
' Come, Senhor Xafire,' said I, with the air of a man who
means to deal mercifully, and not to crush the victim in
his power, ' I will be moderate with you. These bills and
receipts shall be all placed in your hands on payment of
the sums due, without any demand for interest whatever.
We will not speak of the other claims at all. The trans-
action shall be strictly in honour between us, and nothing
shall ever transpire to your disadvantage regarding it. Is
this enough ? '
The struggle in the banker's mind was a difficult one ;
but after several hours passed in going over the papers,
after much discussion, and some altercation, I gained the
day ; and when I arose to take my leave, it was with my
pocket-book stuffed full of bills, on Pernambuco, Mexico,
Santa Cruz, and the Havannah, with letters of credit,
bonds, and other securities, the whole amounting to four
hundred thousand piastres. The remaining sum of three
hundred thousand I had agreed to leave in Don Xafire's
hands at reasonable interest. In fact, I was but too
happy in the possession of so much, to think twice about
what became of the remainder.
I presented my friend Xafire with my ruby brooch as
a souvenir — not, indeed, that he needed anything to remind
him of our acquaintance — and we parted with all the
regrets of brothers about to separate.
' You will stay some days with us here, I hope ? ' said
he, as he conducted me to my carriage.
'I intend a short visit to some of the old placers in
CON CREGAN 481
your neighbourhood,' replied I, ' after which I mean to
return here ' ; and so, with a last embrace, we parted.
My next care was to pay a visit to Don Estaban, for I
was burning with anxiety to see Donna Maria once more,
and to open my campaign as a rich suitor for her hand.
The day chosen for this expedition seemed a fortunate one,
for the road, which led through a succession of vineyards,
was thronged with townspeople and peasants in gay
holiday dresses, all wending their way in the same direc-
tion with ourselves. I asked the reason, and heard that it
was the fete of the Virgin de los Dolores, whose chapel was
on the estate of Don Estaban. I bethought me of the time
when I had planned a pilgrimage to that same shrine —
little suspecting that I was to make it in my carriage, with
six mules and two outriders !
In less than an hour's drive we came in sight of Don
Estaban's villa, built on the side of a richly wooded
mountain, and certainly not betraying any signs of the
reduced fortune of which I had heard. A series of
gardens, all terraced in the mountain, lay in front, among
which fountains were playing and jets cTeau springing. A
small lake spread its calm surface beneath, reflecting the
whole scene as in a mirror, with its feathery palm-trees
and blossoming mimosas, beneath whose shade hundreds
of visitors were loitering or sitting, while the tinkling
sounds of guitar and mandolin broke the stillness.
It was a strange and curious sight ; for while pleasure
seemed to hold unbounded sway on every side, the pro-
cession of priests in rich vestments, the smoke of censers,
the red robes of acolytes, mingled with the throng, and
the deep chanting of the liturgies were blended with the
laughter of children and the merry sounds of light-hearted
joy. ' I have come in the very nick of time,' thought I,
' to complete this scene of festivity ' ; and finding that my
carriage could only advance slowly along the crowded
avenue, I descended and proceeded on foot, merely at-
tended by two lackeys to make way for me in front.
13 2h
482 THE CONFESSIONS OF
A lively controversy ran among the spectators at each
side of me, of which I was evidently the subject — some
averring that I was there as a portion of the pageant, an
integral feature in the procession ; others, with equal
discrimination, insisting that my presence was a polite
attention on the part of Our Lady de ' los Dolores,' who
had sent an illustrious personage to grace the festival as
her representative. On one point all were agreed — that
my appearance amongst them was a favour which a whole
life of devotion to me could not repay ; and so rapidly was
this impression propagated, that it sped up the long
approach through various groups and knots of people,
and actually reached the villa itself long before my august
person arrived at the outer court.
Never was dignity — at least such dignity as mine —
intrusted to better hands than those of my 'Cacadores.'
They swaggered along, pushing back the crowds on each
side, as though it were a profanation to press too closely
upon me. They flourished their great, gold-headed canes,
as if they would smash the skulls of those whose eager
curiosity outstepped the reverence due to me ; and when
at length we reached the gates of the courtyard, they
announced my name with a grandeur and pomp of utter-
ance that — I own it frankly — actually appalled myself ! I
had not, however, much time given me for such weak-
nesses, as, directly in front of the villa, at a table spread
beneath an awning of blue silk, sat a goodly company,
whose splendour of dress, and profusion of jewellery,
bespoke them the great guests of the occasion. The host —
it was easy to detect him by the elevated seat he occupied
— rose as I came forward, and, with a humility I never can
praise too highly, assured me that if any choice were
permitted him in the matter, he would prefer dying on the
spot, now that his worldly honours could never exceed the
triumph of that day ; that all the happiness of the festivity
was as gloom and darkness to his soul compared to the
brilliancy my presence diffused ; and not only was every-
COX CEEGAX 483
thing he owned niine from that moment forth, but he
ardently hoped he might have a long line of grandchildren
and great-grandchildren to be my slaves in succeeding
generations.
While the worthy man poured forth these 'truths' in
all the flourish of his purest Castilian. and while I listened
to them with the condescending urbanity with which a
sovereign may be presumed to hear the strains of some
national melody in his praise, another individual was added
to the group, whose cunning features evinced nothing either
of the host's reverence or of my grandeur. This was Fra
Miguel, the friar, who. in a costume of extraordinary
simplicity, stood staring fixedly at me.
1 II Conde de Cregano ! ' repeated Don Estaban. ' I have
surely heard the name before. Your highness is doubtless
a grandee of Spain ? '
' Of the first class ! ' said I, with a slight cough, for the
confounded friar never took his eyes off me.
1 And we have met before, Sehor Conde/ said he. with a
most equivocal stress upon the last words. 'How pleasant
for me to thank the conde for what I believed I owed to
the mere wayfarer.' These words he uttered in a whisper
close to my own ear.
'Better that than ungratefully desert a benefactor!'
said I, in the same low tone ; then, turning to Don
Estaban. who stood amazed at our dramatic asides, I told
him pretty much what I had already related to the banker
at Guajuaqualla. only adding, that during an excursion
which it was my caprice to make alone and unaccom-
panied. I had been able to render a slight service to his
fair daughter. Donna Maria de los Dolores, and that I
could not pass the neighbourhood without inquiring
after her health, and craving permission to kiss her
hand.
; Is this the Sehhor Cregan of the " Rio del Crocodielo?"'
cried Don Estaban. in rapture.
' The same whom we left in safe keeping with our
484 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Brothers of Mercy at Bexar?' exclaimed the friar, in
affected amazement.
' The very same, Fra Miguel, whom you humanely
consigned to the Lazaretto of Bexar — an establishment
which has as little relation to "mercy" as need be; the
same who, having resumed the rank and station that
belong to him, can afford to forget your cold-hearted
desertion.'
'San Joachim of UUoa knows if I did not pay for
masses for your soul's repose ! ' exclaimed he.
'A very little care of me in this world,' said I, 'had
been to the full as agreeable as all your solicitations for
me in the next; and as for San Joachim,' added I, 'no
witness can be received as evidence who will not appear
in court.'
' It is a pleasure to see your Excellency in the perfect
enjoyment of your faculties,' said the fra, with a deceitful
smile ; but I paid little attention to his sneer, and turned
willingly to Don Estaban, whose grateful acknowledg-
ments were beyond all bounds. He vowed that he owed
his daughter's life to my heroism, and that he and she, and
all that were theirs, were mine.
' Very gratifying tidings these,' thought I, ' for a man
who only asks for an " instalment of his debt," and will be
satisfied with the lady.'
' Maria shall tell you so herself,' added Don Estaban, in
a perfect paroxysm of grateful emotion. ' Don Lopez y
Cuesta y Geloso can never forget your noble conduct.'
Not caring much how retentive the memory of the afore-
said hidalgo might prove — whom I at once set down as an
uncle or a godfather — I hastened after the host to where
his daughter sat at the table. I had but time to see that
she was dressed in black, with a profusion of diamonds
scattered not only through her hair, but over her dress,
when she arose, and ere I could prevent it, fell at my
feet, and covered my hands with kisses — calling me her
' Salvador,' in a voice of the wildest enthusiasm ; an
CON CREGAN 485
emotion which seemed most electrically to seize upon the
whole company, for I was now laid hold of by every limb,
and hugged, kissed, and embraced by a score of people,
the large majority of whom, I grieve to say, were the very
hardest specimens of what is called the softer sex.
One member of the company maintained a look of
cold distrust towards me, the very opposite of all this
cordiality. This was Don Lopez, who did not need this
air of dislike to appear to my eyes the ugliest mortal I
had ever beheld. He was exceedingly short of stature,
but of an immense breadth ; and yet, even with this, his
head was far too big for his body. A huge spherical mass,
party-coloured with habits of debauch, looked like a
terrestrial globe, of which the mouth represented the
equator. His attempts at embellishment had even made
him more horrible, for he wore a great wig, with long
curls flowing upon his shoulders ; and his immense
moustaches were curled into a series of circles, like a
ram's horn. His nose had been divided across the middle
by what seemed the slash of a cutlass, the cicatrix
remaining of an angry red colour, amid the florid hue of
the countenance.
The expression of these benign features did not
disgrace their symmetry. It was a cross between a
scowl and a sneer; the eyes and brow performed the
former, the mouth assuming the latter function.
Blushing with shame, and trembling with emotion,
Maria led me towards him, and in accents I can never
forget, told how I had rescued her in the passage of the
Crocodile River. The wretch scowled more darkly than
before, as he listened, and when she ended, he muttered
something between his bloated lips that sounded marvel-
lously like ' Picaro ! '
' Your godfather scarcely seems so grateful as one
might expect, senhora,' said I.
' Muerte de Dios ! ' he burst out ; ' I am her husband.'
Whether it was the simple fact so palpably brought
X3 2 1
486 THE CONFESSIONS OF
forward, the manner of its announcement, or the terrible
curse that involuntarily fell from my lips, I know not,
but Donna Maria fell down in a swoon. Fainting
among foreigners, I have often found, is regarded next
door to actually dying; and so it was here. A scene of
terror and dismay burst forth that soon converted the
festivity into an uproar of wild confusion. Every one
screamed for aid, and dashed water in his neighbour's
face. The few who retained any presence of mind filled
out large bumpers of wine and drank them off. Meanwhile
Donna Maria was sufficiently recovered to be conducted
into the house, whither she was followed by her marido,
Don Lopez, whose last look as he passed me was one of
insulting defiance.
The cause of order having triumphed, as the news-
papers say, I was led to one side by Don Estaban, who in
a few words told me that Don Lopez was a special envoy
from the Court of Madrid, come out to arrange some
disputed question of a debt between the two countries;
that he was a Grandee d'Espana, a Golden Fleece, and I
don't know what besides — his title of Donna Maria's
husband being more than enough to swallow up every
other consideration with me. The ceremony had been per-
formed that very morning. It was the wedding breakfast
I had thrown into such confusion and dismay.
Don Estaban, in his triumphal narrative of his
daughter's great elevation in rank — of the proud place
she would occupy in the proud court of the Escurial — her
wealth, her splendour, and her dignity, could not repress
the fatherly sorrow he felt at such a disproportioned
union; nor could he say anything of his son-in-law but
what concerned his immense fortune. ' Had it been you,
Sefihor Conde,' cried he, throwing himself into my arms —
'you, young, handsome, and well-born as you are, I had
been happy.'
' Is it too late, Don Estaban ? ' said I passionately. ' I
have wealth that does not yield to Don Lopez, and Maria
is not — at least, she was not—indifferent regarding me.'
CON CREGAN 487
' Oh, it is too late, far too late ! ' cried the father,
wringing his hands.
' Let me speak with Maria herself. Let me also speak
with this Don Lopez. I may be able to make him under-
stand reason, however dull his comprehension.'
' This cannot be, Senhor Caballero,' said another voice.
It was Fra Miguel, who, having heard all that passed, now
joined the colloquy. ' Nothing short of a dispensation
from the Holy See could annul the marriage, and Don
Lopez is not likely to ask for one.'
' I will not suffer it,' cried I, in desperation. ' I would
rather carry her away by force than permit such a
desecration.'
' Hush, for the love of the Virgin, senhor,' cried Don
Estaban. ' Don Lopez is captain of the Alguazils of the
Guard, and a Grand Inquisitor.'
' What signifies that in Mexico ? ' said I boldly.
' More than you think for, senhor,' whispered Fra
Miguel. 'We have not ceased to be good Catholics,
although we are no longer subjects of old Spain.' There
was an air of cool menace in the way these words were
spoken that made me feel very ill at ease. I soon rallied
however, and drawing the friar to one side, said, ' How
many crowns will buy a candelabrum worthy of your
chapel ? '
He looked at me fixedly for a few seconds, and his
shrewd features assumed a character of almost comic
cunning. ' The Virgin de los Dolores is too simple for
such luxuries, Senhor Conde,' said he, with a sly drollery.
'Would she not condescend to wear a few gems in her
petticoat ? ' asked I, with the easy assurance of one not to
be balked.
'She has no pleasure in such vanities,' said the fra,
with an hypocritical casting down of his eyes.
'Would she not accept of an embroidered handker-
chief,' said I, ' to dry her tears ? I have known one of this
pattern to possess the most extraordinary powers of
488 THE CONFESSIONS OF
consolation ' ; and as I spoke I drew forth a bank-note of
some amount, and gently drew it across his knuckles.
A slight tremor shook his frame, and a short convulsive
motion was perceptible in the hand I had ' galvanised ' ; but
in an instant, with his habitual calm smile and mellow
voice, he said, ' Your piety will bring a blessing upon you,
senhor, but our poor shrine is unused to such princely
donations.'
' Confound the old hypocrite,' muttered I to myself ;
' what is he at ? ' — ' Fra Miguel,' said I, assuming the
businesslike manner of a man who could not afford to
lose time, ' the Virgin may be, and doubtless is, all that
you say of her ; but there must needs be many excellent
and devout men here, yourself doubtless amongst the
number, who see numberless objects of charity for whom
their hearts bleed in vain. Take this, and remember that
he who gave it only asks as a return your prayers and
good wishes.'
The friar deposited the present in some inscrutable
fold of his loose garment, and then drawing himself
proudly up, said, ' Well, now, what is it ? '
'Am I too late?' asked I, with the same purposelike tone.
' Of course you are ; the ceremony is finished ; the con-
tracts are signed and witnessed. In an hour they will be
away on their road to the Havannah.'
' You have no consolation to offer me — no hope ? '
'None of an earthly character,' said he, with a half-
closed eye.
' Confound your hypocrisy ! ' cried I, in a rage.
' Don't be profane,' said he calmly. ' What I have said
is true. Heaven will some day take Don Lopez ; he is too
good for this wicked world, and then, who knows what
may happen ! '
This was but sorry comfort, waiting for the bride to
become a widow ; but alas, I had no better ! besides, it had
cost me a heavy sum to obtain, and accordingly I prized it
the more highly.
CON CREGAN 489
If my anxieties were acute, apparently Don Lopez's
niind was not in a state of perfect serenity. He stormed
and raved at everybody and everything. He saw, or what
was pretty much the same thing, he fancied he saw, a plot
in the whole business, and swore he would bring the
vengeance of the Holy Office upon everybody concerned
in it. In this blessed frame of mind the departure of the
newly wedded pair took place. In spite of all my entreaties
Don Lopez drove away with his young bride. The last I
beheld of her was a white hand waving a handkerchief
from the window of the carriage. I looked, and — she was
gone
If some were kind-hearted enough to pity me, the large
majority of the company felt very differently, and bore
anything but friendly feelings to one who had marred
the festivities, and cut short — Heaven could only tell by
what number of days — the eating, dancing, singing, and
merriment.
The old ladies were peculiarly severe in their comments,
averring that no well-bred man would have thought of
interfering with a marriage. It was quite time enough
to talk of his passion when the others were six or eight
months married !
Of the younger ladies, a few condoled with me, praised
my heroism and my constancy, and threw out sly hints
that when I tried my luck next, fortune might possibly be
more generous to me. Don Estaban himself appeared to
sympathise sincerely with my sorrow, and evinced the
warmest sense of gratitude for the past. Even the fra
tried a little good-nature, but it sat ill upon him, and it was
easy to see that he entertained a great mistrust of me.
From the brief experience of what I suffered in these
few days, I am decidedly of opinion that rich men are far
more impatient under reverses and disappointments than
poor ones ! It was a marvellous change for one like me,
whose earlier years, it is unnecessary to remind the reader,
were not passed in the lap of that comfortable wet-nurse
490 THE CONFESSIONS OF
called 'affluence,' and yet with all this brilliant present
and still more fascinating future, at the very first instance
of an opposition to my will I grew sad, dispirited, and
morose. I should have been very angry with myself for
my ingratitude, but that I set it all down to the score of
love; and so I went about the house, visiting each room
where Donna Maria used to sit, reading her books, gazing
at her picture, and feeding my mind with a hundred
fancies, which the next moment of thought told me were
now impossible.
Don Estaban, whose grief for the loss of his daughter
was in a manner divided with mine, would not suffer me
to leave him, and although the place itself served to keep
open the wound of my regret, and the fra's presence was
anything but conciliatory, I passed several days at the
villa.
It would have been the greatest relief to me could I
have persuaded myself to be candid with Don Estaban,
and told him frankly the true story of my life. I felt that
all the consolations which he offered me were of no avail,
simply because I had misled him ! The ingenious tissue of
fiction in which I enveloped myself was a web so thin
that it tore whenever I stirred, and my whole time was
spent, as it were, in darning, patching, and piecing the
frail garment with which I covered my nakedness.
A dozen times every day I jumped up, determined to
reveal my humble history, but as regularly did a senti-
ment of false shame hold me back, and a dread of old
Fra Miguel's malicious leer, should he hear the story.
Another, and a strange feeling, too, influenced me. My
imaginary rank, birth, and station had, from the mere
force of repetition, grown to be a portion of myself. I
had played the part with such applause before the world,
that I could not find in my heart to retire behind the
scenes and resume the humble dress of my real condition.
By way of distracting my gloomy thoughts, I made
little excursions in the surrounding country, in one of
CON CREGAN 491
which I contrived to revisit the placer, and carry away-
all the treasure which I had left behind me. This was
much more considerable than I had at first believed, the
gems being of a size and beauty far beyond any I had
ever seen before ; while the gold, in actual coined money,
amounted to a large sum.
Affecting to have changed my original intention of
investing a great capital in the mines of Mexico, and
resolved instead to return to Europe, I consulted Don
Estaban as to the safest hands in which to deposit my
money. He named a certain wealthy firm at the
Havannah, and gave me a letter of introduction to them,
requesting for me all the attention in their power to
bestow ; and so we parted.
It was with sincere sorrow I shook his hand for the
last time ; his cordiality was free-hearted and affectionate ;
and I carry with me, to this hour, the memory of his wise
counsels and honest precepts, as treasures, not the least
costly, I brought away with me from the New World.
I arrived safely at the Havannah, travelling in princely
state, with two carriages and a great baggage-waggon,
guarded by four mounted carabinieros, who had taken a
solemn oath at the shrine of a certain Saint Magalano to
eat any bandits who should molest us — a feat of digestion
which I was not sorry their devotion was spared.
The bankers to whom Don Estaban's letters introduced
me were most profuse in their offers of attention, and
treated me with all the civilities reserved for the most
favoured client. I only accepted, however, one invitation
to dinner, to meet the great official dignitaries of the place,
and the use of their box each evening at the opera, affect-
ing to make delicacy of health the reason of not frequent-
ing society — a pretext I had often remarked in use among
people of wealth and distinction, among whose privileges
there is that of being sick without suffering.
There was a French packet-ship to sail for Malaga in
about ten days after my arrival, and, as I knew that Don
492 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Lopez intended to leave that port for Europe, I quietly
waited in the Havannah, determined to be his fellow-
traveller. In preparing for this voyage, every thought of
my mind was occupied, resolved to outdo the old Spaniard
in luxury and magnificence. I ordered the most costly
clothes, I engaged the most accomplished servants, I
bespoke everything which could make the tediousness of
the sea less irksome, even to the services of a distinguished
performer on the guitar, who was about to visit Europe,
and engaged to begin his journey under such distinguished
patronage as that of the Conde de Cregano.
What wonderful speculations did I revel in as I pictured
to myself Don Lopez's ineffectual rage and his fair wife's
satisfaction when I should first make my appearance on
deck — an appearance which I artfully devised should not
take place until we were some days at sea ! What agonies
of jealousy should I not inflict upon the old Castilian!
what delicate flatteries should I not offer up to the Donna!
I had laid in a store of moss-rose plants, to present her
with a fresh bouquet every morning — and then I would
serenade her each night beneath the very window of her
cabin. So perfectly had I arranged all these details to my
own satisfaction, that the voyage began to appear a mere
pleasure -excursion, every portion of whose enjoyment
originated with me, and all whose blanks and disappoint-
ments owed their paternity to Don Lopez ; so that,
following up these self-created convictions in my usual
sanguine manner, I firmly persuaded myself that the
worthy husband would either go mad, or jump overboard,
before we landed at Malaga. Let not the reader fall into
the error of supposing that hatred to Don Lopez was
uppermost in my thoughts. Far from it — I wished him in
heaven every hour of the twenty-four, and would willingly
have devoted one-half of my fortune to make a saint of
him in the next world, rather than make a martyr in this.
I was walking one evening in my . banker's garden,
chatting pleasantly on indifferent topics, when, on ascend-
CON CREGAN 493
ing a little eminence, we came in view of the sea. It was
a calm and lovely evening, a very light land-breeze was
just rippling the waters of the bay, fringing the blue with
white, when we saw the graceful spars of a small sloop-of-
war emerge from beneath the shadow of the tall cliffs
and stand out to sea.
' The Moschetta] said he, ' has got a fair wind, and will
be out of sight of land by daybreak.'
' Whither is she bound ? ' asked I carelessly.
' For Cadiz,' said he ; ' she came into port only this
morning, and is already off again.'
'With despatches, perhaps?' I remarked, with the same
tone of indifference.
' No, sehhor ; she came to convey Don Lopez y Geloso,
the Spanish ambassador, back to Madrid.'
' And is he on board of her now ? ' screamed I, in a
perfect paroxysm of terror. ' Is she too ? '
' He embarked about an hour ago, with his bride and
suite,' said the astonished banker, who evidently was not
quite sure of his guest's sanity.
Overwhelmed by these tidings, which gave at once the
death-blow to all my plans, I could not speak, but sat
down upon a seat, my gaze fixed upon the vessel which
carried all my dearest hopes.
' You probably desired to see his Excellency before he
sailed ? ' said the banker timidly, after waiting a long time
in the expectation that I would speak.
' Most anxiously did I desire it,' said I, shrouding my
sorrow under an affectation of important state solicitude.
' What a misfortune,' exclaimed he, ' that you should
have missed him ! in all likelihood, had you seen him,
he would have agreed to our terms.'
' You are right,' said I, shaking my head sententiously,
and neither guessing nor caring what he alluded to.
' So that he would have accepted the guarantee,' ex-
claimed the banker, with increased excitement.
'He would have accepted the guarantee,' echoed I,
494 THE CONFESSIONS OF
without the remotest idea of what the words could
mean.
'Oh, Madre de Dios! what an unhappy mischance is
this! Is it yet too late? Alas, the breeze is freshening
— the sloop is already sinking beyond the horizon ; to
overtake her would be impossible. And you say that the
guarantee would have been accepted ? '
' You may rely upon it,' said I, the more confidently as
I saw that the ship was far beyond the chance of pursuit.
'What a benefactor to this country you might have
been, senhor, had you done us this service ! ' cried the
banker with enthusiasm.
'Well, it is too late to think of it now,' said I,
rather captiously, for I began to be worried with
the mystification.
' Of course, for the present it is too late ; but when you
arrive in Europe, Senhor Conde — when you are once more
in the land where your natural influence holds sway, may
we entertain the hope that you will regard our case with
the same favourable eyes ? '
' Yes, yes,' said I, with impatience, ' if I see no reason to
change my opinions.'
' Upon the subject of the original loan there can be no
doubt, Senhor Conde.'
' Perhaps not,' said I ; ' but these are questions I must
decline entering upon. You will, yourself, perceive that
any discussion of them would be inconvenient and
indiscreet.'
The diplomatic reserve of this answer checked the
warmth of his importunity, and he bashfully withdrew,
leaving me to the undisturbed consideration of my own
thoughts.
I sat till it was already near midnight, gazing on the
sea, my eyes still turned to the track by which the vessel
had disappeared, and at last rose to retire, when, to my
amazement, I perceived my friend, the banker, accom-
panied by another person, approaching towards me.
CON CREGAN 495
' Senhor Conde,' said he, in a mysterious whisper, ' this
is his Excellency the Governor ' ; and with these words,
uttered in all the reverence of awe, he retired, leaving me
face to face with a tall, dignified-looking personage, whose
figure was concealed in the folds of a great cloak.
In all the formal politeness of his rank and country, the
governor begged I would be seated, and took his place
beside me. He explained how the banker, one of the
richest and most respected men in the Havannah, had
informed him of my gracious intentions respecting them,
and the sad mishap by which my mediation was foiled.
He entered at length into the question of the debt and
all its financial difficulties, which, even had they been
far less intricate and complicated, would have puzzled
a head which never had the bump arithmetical. How
he himself saw his way through the labyrinth I know
not, but had the sum been a moderate one, I vow I would
rather have paid it myself than investigate it any farther,
such an inextricable mass of complications, doubles, and
difficulties did it involve.
' Thus, you perceive,' said he, at the close of a formidable
sum of figures, ' that these eighteen millions made no part
of the old loan, but were, in fact, the first deposit of what
is called the "Cuba debt"; not that it ever should have
had that name, which more properly belonged to the
original Poyais three-and-a-half — you understand me ? '
' Perfectly — proceed.'
' That being the case, our liability is reduced to the sum
of twenty-seven millions on the old f our-and-a-quarters.'
' Clearly so.'
* Now we approach the difficult part of the matter,' said
he, ' and I must entreat your most marked attention ; for
here lies the point which has hitherto proved the stumbling-
block in the way of every negotiation.'
I promised the strictest attention, and kept my word
till I found myself in a maze of figures, where compound
interest and decimal fractions danced a reel together,
496 THE CONFESSIONS OF
whose evolutions would have driven Mr. Babbage dis-
tracted; while the governor, now grown 'warm in the
harness,' kept exclaiming at every instant, 'Do you see
how the "Ladrones" want to cheat us here? Do you
perceive what the Picaros intend by that ? '
If I could not follow his arithmetic, I could at least
sympathise in his enthusiasm; and I praised the honour
of the Mexicans, while I denounced ' the cause of roguery '
over the face of the globe to his heart's content.
'You are satisfied about the original debt, Sehhor
Conde?' at last said he, after a 'four -mile heat' of
explanation.
' Most thoroughly,' said I, bowing.
' You 'd not wish for anything further on that head ? '
' Not a syllable.'
' And as to the Cuba instalment — you see the way in
which the first scrip became entangled in the Chihuahua
" fives," don't you ? '
' Plain as my hand before me.'
'Then, of course, you acknowledge our right to the
reserve fund ? '
' I don't see how it can be disputed,' said I.
' And yet that is precisely what the Madrid Government
contest ! '
' What injustice ! ' exclaimed I.
'Evident as it is to your enlightened understanding,
Senhor Conde, you are, nevertheless, the first man I have
ever found to take the right view of this transaction. It
is a real pleasure to discuss a state-question with a great
man.'
Hereupon we both burst forth into an animated duet
of compliments, in which, I am bound to confess, the
governor was the victor.
' And now, Senhor Conde,' said he, after a long volley
of panegyric, ' may we reckon upon your support in this
affair ? '
'You must understand, first of all, Excellenza,' replied
CON CREGAN 497
I, 'that I am not in any way an official personage. 'I
am' — here I smiled with a most fascinating air of mock
humility — 'I am, so to speak, a humble, a very humble
individual of unpretending rank and small fortune.'
' Ah ! Seiihor Conde,' sighed the governor, for he had
heard of my ingots from the banker.
' Being as I say,' resumed I, ' my influence is naturally
small. If I am listened to in a matter of political im-
portance, I owe the courtesy rather to the memory of my
family's services than to any insignificant merits I may
possess. The cause of justice is, however, never weak,
no matter how humble the means of him who asserts it.
Such as I am, rely upon me.'
We embraced here, and the governor shed a few official
tears at the thought of so soon separating from one he
regarded as more than his brother.
' We feel, Senhor Conde,' said he, ' how inadequate any
recognition of ours must be for services such as yours.
We are a young country and a republic ; honours we have
none to bestow — wealth is already your own — we have
nothing to offer, therefore, but our gratitude.'
' Be it so ! ' thought I, ' the burthen will not increase my
luggage.'
'This box will remind you, however, of an interview,
and recall one who deems this the happiest, as it is the
proudest, hour of his life ' ; here he presented me with a
splendid gold snuff-box, containing a miniature of the
president surrounded by enormous diamonds.
Resolving not to be outdone in generosity, and, at least,
not to be guilty of dishonesty before my own conscience,
I insisted upon the governor's acceptance of my watch — a
very costly repeater studded with precious stones.
'The arms of my family — the Cregans are Irish — will
bring me to your recollection,' said I, pointing to a very
magnificent heraldic display on the timepiece, wherein
figured the ancient crown of Ireland, over a shield, in one
compartment of which was an 'eye winking,' the motto
498 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
being the Gaelic word, ' Nabocklish,' signifying ' Never
mind,' ironically.
I will not dwell upon the other particulars of an inter-
view which lasted till nigh morning. It will be sufficient
to mention that I was presented with letters of introduction
and recommendation to the Mexican Ministers at Paris and
Madrid, instructing them to show me every attention, and
desiring them to extend to me their entire confidence,
particularly to furnish me with introductions to any
official personages with whom I desired to be acquainted.
This was all that I wanted — for I was immensely rich,
and only needed permission to pass the door of the ' great
world,' to mingle in that society for which my heart
yearned and longed unceasingly.
Some of my readers will smile at the simplicity which
believed these passports necessary, and was ignorant that
wealth alone is wanting to attain any position, to frequent
any society, to be the intimate of any set in Europe, and
that the rich man is other than he was in classic days —
Honoratus, pulcher, rex denique regum.
I have lived to be wiser, and to see vulgarity, coarseness,
meanness, knavery, nay, even convicted guilt, the favoured
guests of royal saloons. The moral indictments against
crime have to the full as many flaws as the legal ones;
and we see, in every society, men, and women too, as
notoriously criminal as though they wore the red-and-
yellow livery of the galleys. Physicians tell us that
every drug whose sanitary properties are acknowledged
in medicine, contains some ingredients of a noxious or
poisonous nature. May not something similar exist in
the moral world ? and even in the very healthiest mixture,
may not some ' bitter principle ' be found to lurk ?
WAS not sorry to leave the Havannah on
the following day. I did not desire
another interview with my 'friend' the governor, but
rather felt impatient to escape a repetition of his arith-
metic, and the story of the ' original debt.'
Desirous of supporting my character as a great person-
age, and, at the same time, to secure for myself the
pleasure of being unmolested during the voyage, I ob-
tained the sole right to the entire cabin accommodation
of the Acadie for myself and suite — my equipages, baggage,
and some eight or ten Mexican horses occupying the deck.
A salute of honour was fired as I ascended the ladder,
and replied to by the forts — a recognition of my dignity
at which I took occasion to seem offended, assuring the
captain that I was travelling in the strictest incognito,
leaving it to his powers of calculation to compute what
amount of retinue and followers I should have when
journeying in the full blaze of acknowledged identity.
500 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I sat upon the poop-deck as they weighed the anchor,
contrasting in my mind my present condition with that of
my first marine experiences on board the Firefly. I am
richer thought I. Am I better ? Have I become more
generous, more truthful, more considerate, more for-
giving ?
Has my knowledge of the world developed more of
good in me or of evil? Have my own successes ministered
rather to my self-esteem than to my gratefulness ; and
have I learned to think meanly of all who have been
beaten in the race of fortune ? Alas ! there was not a
count of this indictment to which I dared plead 'Not
guilty.' I had seen knavery thrive too often not to feel
a kind of respect for its ability ; I saw honesty too often
worsted not to feel something like contempt for its meek-
ness. It was difficult to feel a reverence for poverty,
whose traits were frequently ridiculous ; and it was hard
to censure wealth, which dispensed its abundance in
splendid hospitalities. Oh, the cunning sophistries by
which we cover up our real feelings in this life, smother-
ing every healthy impulse, and every generous aspiration,
under the guise of some conventionality.
My conscience was less lenient than I expected. I cut
but a sorry figure ' in the dock,' and was obliged to throw
myself upon the mercy of the court. I will be more
considerate in future, said I to myself; I will be less
exacting with my servants and more forgiving to their
delinquencies ; I will try and remember that there is an
acid property in poverty that sours even the sweetest
'milk of human kindness!' I will be trustful, too — a
' gentleman ' ought not to be suspicious ; it is eminently
becoming a Bow Street officer, but suits not the atmo-
sphere of good society. These excellent resolutions were,
to a certain extent, apropos, for just as 'the foresail
began to draw,' a boat came alongside and hailed the ship.
I did not deign any attention to a circumstance so trivial
to ' one of my condition,' and never noticed the conversa-
CON CREGAN 501
tion which in very animated tones was kept up between
the captain and the stranger, until the former, approach-
ing me with the most profound humility, and asking for-
giveness for the great liberty he was about to take, said
that a gentleman, whom urgent business recalled to
Europe, humbly entreated permission to take his passage
on board the Acadie.
' Are you not aware it is impossible, my good friend ? '
said I listlessly; 'the accommodation is lamentably re-
stricted as it is ; my secretary's cabin is like a dog-kennel,
and my second cook has actually to lie round a corner,
like a snake.'
The captain reddened, and bit his lip in silence.
'As for myself,' said I heroically, 'I never complain.
Let me have any little cabin for my bed, a small bath-
room, a place to lounge in during the day, with a few
easy sofas, and a snug crib for a dinner-room, and I can
always rough it. It was part of my father's system never
to make Sybarites of his boys.' This I asserted with all
the sturdy vehemence of truth.
'We will do everything to make your Excellency
comfortable,' said the captain, who clearly could not see
the reasons for my self-praise ; ' and as to the consul —
what shall we say to him ? '
' Consul, did you say ? ' said I.
'Yes, Senhor Conde, he is the French Consul for the
Republic of "Campecho."' That this was a state I had
never heard of before was quite true, yet it was clearly
one which the French Government were better informed
upon, and deigned to recognise by an official agent.
'Hold on there a bit!' shouted out the captain to the
boat's crew. 'What shall I say, Senhor Conde? The
Chevalier de la Boutonnerie is very anxious on the subject.'
' Let this man have his passage,' said I indolently, and
lighted a cigar, as if to turn my thoughts in another
direction, not even noticing the new arrival, who was
hoisted up the side with his portmanteau in a very
13 2 k
502 THE CONFESSIONS OF
undignified fashion for an official character. He soon, how-
ever, baffled this indifference on my part, by advancing
towards me, and, in a manner where considerable ease
and tact were evident, thanked me for my polite consider-
ation regarding him, and expressed a hope that he might
not in any way inconvenience me during the voyage.
Now, the chevalier was not in himself a very pre-
possessing personage, while his dress was of the very
shabbiest, being a worn-out suit of black, covered by a
coarse brown Mexican mantle ; and yet his fluency, his
quiet assurance, his seeming self-satisfaction, gained an
ascendency over me at once. I saw that he was a
master in a walk in which I myself had so long been a
student, and that he was a consummate adept in the ' art
of impudence.'
And how mistaken is the world at large in the meaning
of that art ! How prone to call the unblushing effrontery
of every underbred man impudence — the rudeness that
dares any speech, or adventures upon any familiarity — the
soulless, heartless, selfish intrusiveness that scruples not
to invade any society. These are not impudence, or they
are such specimens of the quality as men only possess in
common with inferior animals. I speak of that educated,
cultivated 'impudence,' which, never abashed by an in-
feriority — felt acutely — is resolved to overbear worldly
prejudices by the exercise of gifts that assert a mastery
over others — a power of rising, by the expansive force of
self-esteem, into something almost estimable. Ordinary
mortals tell lies at intervals per saltum, as the doctors say,
but these people's whole life is a lie. The chevalier was a
fine specimen of the class, and seemed as indifferent to a
hundred little adverse circumstances as though everything
around him went well and pleasantly.
There was a suave dignity in the way he moved a very
dubious hand over his unshaven chin — in the graceful
negligence he exhibited when disposing the folds of his
threadbare cloak — in the jaunty lightness with which,
CON CREGAN 503
after saluting, he replaced his miserable hat on the
favoured side of his head, that conveyed the whole story
of the man.
What a model for my imitation had he been, thought I,
if I had seen him in the outset of life ! what a study he
had presented ! And yet there he was, evidently in needy
circumstances, pressed on by even urgent want, and I,
Con Cregan, the outcast — the poor friendless street-runner,
had become a ' millionaire.'
I don't know how it was, but certainly I felt marvel-
lously ill at ease with my new friend. A real aristocrat,
with all the airs of assumption and haughtiness, would
have been a blessing compared with the submissive soft-
ness of the chevalier. Through all his flattery there
seemed a sly consciousness that his honeyed words were a
snare and his smile a delusion ; and I could never divest
myself of the feeling that he saw into the very secret of
my heart, and knew me thoroughly.
I must become his dupe, thought I, or it is all over with
me. The fellow will detect me for a parvenu long before
we reach Malaga !
No man, born and bred to affluence, could have acquired
the keen insight into life that I possessed. I must mask
this knowledge, then, if I would still be thought a ' born
gentleman.' This was a wise resolve ; at least its effects
were immediately such as I hoped for. The chevalier's
little sly sarcasms, his half-insinuated equivoques, were
changed for a tone of wonder and admiration for all I
said. How one so young could have seen and learned so
much ! — what natural gifts I must possess !— how remark-
ably just my views were ! — how striking the force of my
observations ! — and all this, while I was discoursing what
certainly does not usually pass for ' consummate wisdom.'
I soon saw that the chevalier set me down for a fool ; and
from that moment we changed places — he became the
dupe versus me. To be sure, the contrivance cost me
something, as we usually spent the evenings at piquet or
504 THE CONFESSIONS OF
ecarte, and the consul was the luckiest of men ; to use his
own phrase, applied to one he once spoke of — savait
corriger la fortune.
Although he spoke freely of the fashionable world of
Paris and London, with all whose celebrities he affected a
near intimacy, he rarely touched upon his New- World
experiences, and blinked all allusion whatever to the
republic of ' Campecho.' His own history was comprised
in the brief fact that he was the cadet of a great family
of Provence. — All your French rogues I remark come
from the south of France. — That he had once held a high
diplomatic rank, from which, in consequence of the fall of
a ministry, he was degraded, and after many vicissitudes
of fortune, he had become Consul-General at Campecho.
' My friends,' continued he, ' are now looking up again in
the world, so that I entertain hopes of something better
than perpetual banishment.
Of English people, their habits, modes of life, and
thought, the chevalier spoke to me with a freedom he
never would have used if he had not believed me to be a
Spaniard, and only connected with Ireland through the
remote chain of ancestry. This deceit of mine was one he
never penetrated, and I often thought over the fact with
satisfaction. To encourage his frankness on the subject
of my country, I affected to know nothing, or next to
nothing, of England; and gradually he grew to be more
communicative, and at last spoke with an unguarded
freedom which soon opened to me a clue of his real
history.
It was one day as we walked the deck together, that,
after discussing the tastes and pursuits of the wealthy
English, he began to talk of their passion for sport, and
especially horseracing. The character of this national
pastime he appeared to understand perfectly, not as a
mere foreigner who had witnessed a Derby or a Doncaster,
but as one conversant with the traditions of the turf or
the private life of the jockey and the trainer.
CON CREGAN 505
I saw that he coloured all his descriptions with a tint
meant to excite an interest within me for these sports.
He drew a picture of an 'Ascot meeting,' wherein were
assembled all the ingredients that could excite the curiosity
and gratify the ambition of a wealthy, high-spirited youth ;
and he dilated with enthusiasm upon his own first im-
pressions of these scenes, mingled with half -regrets of how
many of his once friends had quitted the turf since he
last saw it !
He spoke familiarly of those whose names I had often
read in newspapers as the great leaders of the sporting
world, and affected to have known them all on terms of
intimacy and friendship. Even had the theme been less
attractive to me, I would have encouraged it for other
reasons, a strange glimmering suspicion ever haunting my
mind that I had heard of the worthy chevalier before,
and under another title ; and so completely had this idea
gained possession of me, that I could think of nothing
else.
At length, after we had been some weeks at sea, the
welcome cry of ' Land ! ' was given from the mast-head ;
but as the weather was hazy and thick, we were compelled
to shorten sail, and made comparatively little way through
the water ; so that at nightfall we saw that another day
must elapse ere we touched mother earth again.
The chevalier and the captain both dined with me ;
the latter, however, soon repaired to the deck, leaving us
in tete-a-tete. It was in all likelihood the last evening we
should ever pass together, and I felt a most eager longing
to ascertain the truth of my vague suspicions. Chance
gave me the opportunity. We had been playing cards, and
luck — contrary to custom, and in part owing to my always
shuffling the cards after my adversary — had deserted him
and taken my side. At first this seemed to amuse him,
and he merely complimented me upon my fortune, and
smiled blandly at my success. After a while, however, his
continued losses began to irritate him, and I could see that
506 THE CONFESSIONS OF
his habitual command of temper was yielding to a peevish
captious spirit he had never exhibited previously.
' Shall we double our stake ? ' said he, after a long run
of ill-luck.
' If you prefer it, of course,' said I. And we played on,
but ever with the same result.
' Come,' cried he, at last, ' I '11 wager fifty Napoleons on
this game.' The bet was made, and he lost it ! With the
like fortune he played on and on, till at last, as day was
dawning, he had not only lost all that he had won from
me during the voyage, but a considerable sum besides,
and for which he gave me his cheque upon a well-known
banker at Paris.
' Shall I tell you your fortune, Monsieur le Comte ? '
said he, in a tone of bitterness that almost startled me.
' With all my heart,' said I, laughing ; ' are you skilful
as a necromancer ? '
'I can at least decipher what the cards indicate,' said
he. ' There is no great skill in reading where the print is
legible.' With these words he shuffled the cards, dividing
them into two or three packets, the first card of each he
turned on the face. ' Let me premise, count,' said he,
'before I begin, that you will not take anything in bad
part which I may reveal to you, otherwise, I '11 be silent.
You are free to believe or not to believe what I tell you,
but you cannot reasonably be angry if unpleasant dis-
coveries await you.'
' Go on fearlessly,' said I ; ' 1 11 not promise implicit
faith in everything, but I'll pledge myself to keep my
temper.'
He began at once, drawing forth every third card of
each heap, and disposing them in a circle, side by side.
When they were so arranged, he bent over, as if to study
them, concealing his eyes from me by his hand — but at the
same time, as I could perceive, keenly watching my face
between his fingers. ' There is some great mistake here,'
said he at length, in a voice of irritation. ' I have drawn
CON CREGAN 507
the cards wrong, somehow ; it must be so, since the inter-
pretation is clear as print. What an absurd blunder, too ! '
and he seemed as if about to dash the cards up in a heap,
from a sense of angry disappointment.
' Nay, nay,' cried I, interposing. ' Let us hear what
they say, even though we may dispute the testimony.'
' If it were less ridiculous it might be offensive,' said he,
smiling ; ' but being as it is, it is really good laughing
matter.'
' I am quite impatient — pray read on.'
' Of course it is too absurd for anything but ridicule,'
said he smiling, but, as I thought, with a most malicious ex-
pression. ' You perceive here this four of clubs, which, as
the first card we turn, assumes to indicate your commence-
ment in life. Now, only fancy, Monsieur le Comte, what
this most insolent little demon would insinuate. Really, I
cannot continue. Well, well — be it so. This card would
say that you were not only born without rank or title,
but actually in a condition of the very meanest and most
humble poverty. Isn't that excellent?' said he, bursting
out into a fit of immoderate laughter, in which the spiteful
glance of his keen eyes seemed to pierce through and
through me.
As for me, I laughed too ; but what a laugh it was !
Never was a burst of natural sorrow so poignant in suffer-
ing as that forced laugh, when, covered with shame, I sat
there, beneath the sarcastic insolence of the wretch who
seemed to gloat over the tortures he was inflicting.
' I can scarcely expect that this opening will inspire you
with much confidence in the oracle,' said he ; ' the first step
a falsehood, promises ill for the remainder of the journey.'
' If not very veracious,' said I, ' it is at least very amus-
ing. Pray continue.'
' What would the old counts of your ancestry have said
to such a profanation ? ' cried the chevalier. ' By St. Denis,
I would not have been the man to asperse their blood thus,
in their old halls at Grenada ! '
508 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' We live in a less haughty age,' said I, affecting a smile
of indifference, and motioning to him to proceed.
' What follows is the very commonest of that nonsense
which is revealed in all lowly fortunes. You are, as usual,
the victim of cold and hunger, suffering from destitution
and want. Then, there are indications of a bold spirit,
ambitious and energetic, bursting out through all the
gloom of your dark condition, and a small whispered
word in your ear tells you to hope ! ' While the chevalier
rattled out this rodomontade at a much greater length
than I have time or patience to repeat, his eyes never
quitted me, but seemed to sparkle with a fiendlike intelli-
gence of what was passing within me. As he concluded,
he mixed up the cards together, merely muttering, half
aloud, ' Adventures and escapes by land and sea. Abund-
ance of hard luck, to be all compensated for one day, when
wealth in all its richest profusion is showered upon you.'
Then dashing the cards from him in affected anger, he
said, ' It is enough to make men despise themselves, the
way in which they yield credence to such rank tomfoolery !
but I assure you, count, however contemptible the oracle
has shown herself to-day, I have on more than one occasion
been present at the most startling revelations — not alone
as regarded the past, but the future also.'
' I can easily believe it, chevalier,' replied I, with a great
effort to seem philosophically calm. ' One must not reject
everything that has not the stamp of reason upon it ; and
even what I have listened to to-day, absurd as it is, has
not shaken my faith in the divination of the cards.
Perhaps this fancy of mine is the remnant of a childish
superstition, which I owe in great part to my old nurse.
She was a Moor by birth, and imbued with all the tradi-
tions and superstitions of her own romantic land.'
There was a most sneering expression on the chevalier's
face as I uttered these words. I paid no attention to it,
however, but went on : ' From the venerable dame I myself
attained to some knowledge of ' destiny reading,' of which
CON CREGAN 509
I remember once or twice in life to have afforded very-
singular proofs. My skill, however, usually preferred un-
ravelling the "future" to the "present."'
' Speculation is always easier than recital,' said the
chevalier dryly.
' Very true,' said I ; ' and in reading the past I have
ever found how want of sufficient skill has prevented my
giving to the great fact of a story the due and necessary
connection ; so that, indeed, I appear as if distinct events
alone were revealed to me, without any clue to what pre-
ceded or followed them. I see destiny as a traveller sees
a landscape by fitful flashes of lightning at night, great
tracts of country suddenly displayed as if in the blaze of
noonday, but lost to sight the next moment for ever !
Such humble powers as these, are, I am well aware,
unworthy to bear competition with your more cultivated
gifts ; but if, with all their imperfections, you are dis-
posed to accept their exercise, they are sincerely at your
service.'
The chevalier, I suspect, acceded to this proposal in the
belief that it was an effort on my part to turn the topic
from myself to him, for he neither seemed to believe in my
skill nor feel any interest in its exercise.
Affecting to follow implicitly the old Moorish woman's
precepts, I prepared myself for my task by putting on a
great mantle with a hood, which, when drawn forward,
effectually concealed the wearer's face. This was a pre-
caution I took the better to study his face, while my own
remained hidden from view.
' You are certainly far more imposing as a prophet
than I can pretend to be,' said he, laughing, as he lighted
a cigar, and lay back indolently to await my revelations.
I made a great display of knowledge in shuffling and
arranging the cards, the better to think over what I was
about ; and at last, disposing some dozen in certain mystic
positions before me, I began.
' You startled me, chevalier, by a discovery which only
510 THE CONFESSIONS OF
wanted truth to make it very remarkable. Let me now
repay you by another which I shrewdly suspect to be in
the same condition. There are four cards now before me
whose meaning is most positive, and which distinctly
assert that you, Chevalier de la Boutonnerie, are no
chevalier at all ! '
' This is capital ! ' said he, filling out a glass of wine and
drinking it off with the most consummate coolness.
' And here,' said I, not heeding his affected ease, ' here
is another still stranger revelation, which says that you
are not a Frenchman, but a native of a land which latterly
has taken upon it to supply the rest of the world with
adventurers — in plain words, a Pole.'
' It is true that my father, who held a command in the
Imperial army, lived some years in that country,' said he
hastily; 'but I have yet to learn that he forfeited his
nationality by so doing.'
' I only know what the cards tell me,' said I, spreading
out a mass of them before me, and pretending to study
them attentively; 'and here is a complication which
would need a cleverer expositor than I am. Of all the
tangled webs ever I assayed to unravel, this is the
knottiest. Why, really, chevalier, yours must have been
a life of more than ordinary vicissitude, or else my pro-
phetic skill has suffered sadly from disuse.'
' Judging from what you have just told me, I rather
lean to the latter explanation,' said he, swallowing down
two glasses of wine with great rapidity.
' I suspect such to be the case, indeed,' said I, ' for other-
wise I could scarcely have such difficulty in reading these
mystic signs once so familiar to me, and from which I
can now only pick up a stray phrase here and there.
Thus I see what implies a high diplomatic employment,
and yet, immediately after, I perceive that this is either
a mistake of mine or the thing itself a cheat and a
deception.'
' It surely does not require divination to tell a diplo-
Ify first attempt atToxtime Telling'
CON CREGAN 511
matic agent that he has served on a foreign mission,' said
the chevalier with a sneer.
' Perhaps not ; but I see here vestiges of strange occur-
rences in which this fact is concerned. A fleeting picture
passes now before my eyes : I see a racecourse, with its
crowds of people, and its throng of carriages, and the
horses are led out to be saddled, and all is expectation
and eagerness, and — "what ! This is most singular ! the
vision has passed away, and I am looking at two figures
who stand side by side in a richly furnished room, a man
and a woman. She is weeping, and he consoling her.
Stay ! He lifts his head — the man is yourself, chevalier ! '
1 Indeed ! ' said he ; but this time the word was uttered
in a faint voice, while a pallor, that was almost lividness,
coloured his dark features.
' She murmurs a name ; I almost caught it,' exclaimed I,
as if carried away by the rapt excitement of prophecy.
' Yes ! I hear it now, perfectly — the name is Alexis ! '
A fearful oath burst from the chevalier, and with a
bound he sprung to his feet, and dashed his closed fists
against his brow. ' Away with your jugglery — have done
with your miserable cheat, sir — that can only terrify
women and children. Speak out like a man — who are
you, and what are you ? '
' What means this outrage, sir ? How have you
forgotten yourself so far as to use this language to me ? '
said I, throwing back the mantle and standing full before
him.
' Let us have no more acting, sir, whether it be as
prophet or bully,' said he sternly. ' You affect to know
?ne, who I am, and whence I have come. Make the game
equal between us, or it may be worse for you.'
' You threaten me, then,' said I calmly.
' I do,' was the answer.
' It is therefore open war between us ? '
' I never said so,' replied he, with a most cutting irony
of manner ; ' but whatever secret malice can do — and you
512 THE CONFESSIONS OF
shall soon know what it means — I pledge myself you will
not find yourself forgotten.'
' Agreed then ; now leave me, sir.'
' I am your guest, sir,' said he, with a most hypocritical
air of deference and courtesy. ' It is surely scant polite-
ness to drive me hence when I am not in a position to
find another shelter ; we are upon the high seas ; I cannot
walk forth and take my leave. Believe me, sir, the
character you would fain perform before the world would
not act so.'
Notwithstanding the insult conveyed in the last words,
I determined that I would respect ' him who had eaten my
salt,' and with a gesture of assent, for I could not speak, I
moved away.
No sooner was I alone than I repented me of the
rash folly into which, for the indulgence of a mere
petty vengeance, I had been betrayed. I saw that by
this absurd piece of malice I had made an enemy of a
man whose whole career vouched for the danger of his
malevolence.
How could he injure me? What species of attack
could he make upon me? Whether was it more likely
that he would avoid me as one dangerous to himself, or
pursue me wherever I went by his vengeance? These
were hard questions to solve, and they filled my mind
so completely that I neither heeded the bustle which
heralded the arrival on board of the pilot, or the still
busier movement which told that we were approaching
the harbour. At last I went on deck and approached the
bulwark, over which a number of the crew were leaning,
watching the course of a boat that, with all her canvas
spread, was making for land. ' The pilot-boat,' said the
captain, in reply to my glance of inquiry ; ' she is lying
straight in, as the consul is anxious to land at once.'
' Is he on board of her ? ' said I, with an anxiety I could
not conceal.
' Yes, Sefihor Conde, and your Excellency's secretary too.'
CON CREGAN 513
Was it my fear suggested the notion, or was it the
simple fact, but I thought that the words ' Count ' and
' Excellency ' were articulated with something like a
sneer? I had no opportunity to put the matter to the
test, for the captain had already quitted the spot, and was
busy with the multifarious cares the near approach to
land enforces. My next thought was, Why had my
secretary gone ashore without my orders? Was this a
piece of zeal on his part to make preparations for our
disembarking, or might it be something worse? and if
so, what? Every moment increased the trouble of my
thoughts. Certainly misfortunes do cast their shadows
before them, for I felt that strange and overwhelming
sense of depression that never is causeless. I ran over
every species of casualty that I could imagine, but except
highway robbery, actual ' brigandage,' I could not fancy
any real, positive danger to be anticipated from the
chevalier.
How different was my mood from what I expected it
would have been on nearing shore ? Where were all my
visions of pomp and splendour ? Where the proud circum-
stances of my more than princely state? Alas, I would
have given a full fourth of my wealth to be landed
unostentatiously and quietly, and to have my mind
relieved from all dread of the cursed chevalier !
That I did not overrate the peril before me, events soon
proved.
pffifEMM
THE 'CARCEL MORENA ' AT MALAGA
'S we sailed proudly into the harbour of
Malaga, my attention, at first directed to the striking
features of the shore, where lay a city actually embowered
amid orange groves, was soon drawn off by the appear-
ance of a boat, rowed by twelve men, which approached
the ship. The national flag of Spain floated from a
standard in her stern, and I could mark the glitter of
arms and uniform on board of her.
• The officers of health, I suppose ? ' said I, carelessly, to
the captain. 'No, senhor, these are soldiers of the
garrison.'
« Ah ! I understand,' said I : ' they are on the alert as to
whom they land in these troublous times ' ; for it was the
period of the great Carlist struggle.
' Possibly,' was his dry remark ; and he moved away.
A hoarse challenge from the boat was answered by
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 515
something from the ship ; and the ' accommodation-
ladder ' was immediately lowered, and an officer ascended
to the deck, followed by two of his men, with their side-
arms.
Some of the ordinary greetings being interchanged
between the captain and the officer, the latter said, ' My
business here is with the person styling himself the Conde
Cregano. Where is he ? '
' That is my name, senhor,' said I, with a studious
admixture of civility and condescension.
' Please to walk this way, sir,' said the officer, leading
towards the poop cabin, and preceding me with a degree
of assurance that boded ill for his impression of my
dignity.
As we entered the cabin, I could hear the two soldiers
taking up their places as sentries at the door.
'I wish to see your passport, senhor,' said he, as he
seated himself at the table.
' My passport shall be produced at the fitting time,' said
I, ' when I arrive on shore. Here I have no need of any.'
' You are wrong, sir : once within that circle of buoys,
at the mouth of the port, you are within the limits of the
shore authorities ; but were it even otherwise, these are
not the times for scruples, and I, for one, would not
hesitate to arrest you on the information I have received.'
' Information you have received, sir ! ' exclaimed I, in
terror and amazement.
' Yes, sir ; I may as well tell you that Malaga is not in
the possession of your friends — you will not find a Carlist
garrison ready to give you a salute of honour at your
landing. Far less formal, but not less peremptory atten-
tions await you ; but produce your papers, for I have no
time to lose.'
I saw at a glance that my position was most perilous,
and as rapidly resolved to make an effort for safety.
' Senhor Capitana,' said I, placing an open pocket-book
stuffed with bank-notes before him, ' please to accept my
516 THE CONFESSIONS OF
passport, and to keep it in your own safe possession. I
shall put to sea again, and order the captain to land me at
some port in Italy.'
'It is too late,' said he, with a sigh, as he pushed the
pocket-book away ; ' the informations against you are
already transmitted to Madrid.'
' Great heavens ! and for whom do they take me ? '
cried I.
' I cannot tell. I never heard. I only know that I have
the order for your arrest as the person assuming to be
" the Conde Cregano." '
' What crime is laid to my charge ? — have I defrauded
any one ? What is alleged against me ? '
' Show me your passport,' said he again.
' There it is,' said I, producing the document which by
Don Estaban's intervention I had obtained from the
authorities of Guajuaqualla, and wherein I was called a
native of Grenada, and a noble of Spain.
' And all this is true as set forth ? ' said the officer.
'It is a principle of law in my native land that no
prisoner is called upon to criminate himself,' said I.
'In that case you are no Spaniard,' said the officer
shrewdly, 'nor, indeed, does your accent so bespeak you.
You are now under arrest.' He opened the door as he said
this, and pointing me out to the two sentries, whispered
something too low for me to overhear. This done, he left
the cabin and went upon deck.
I looked up from the chair where I sat into the faces of
my two guardians, and a more ill-favoured pair of gentle-
men I never beheld. Ill-fed but dissipated-looking rascals,
they seemed more like highwaymen than soldiers. Still,
even a chance was not to be thrown away, and so I
whispered in a soft voice — ' My worthy friends, in that
writing-case yonder there are bank-notes to a very large
amount. In a few moments they will be taken away
from me, never to be restored. I may as well have the
satisfaction of knowing that two brave but poor men are
CON CREGAN 517
benefited by them. Bring me the desk, and I '11 give them
to you.' They looked at each other and they looked at
me ; they then looked towards the door and the skylight,
and although without speaking, it was plain enough to
see what was passing in their minds.
' Remember,' said I, ' I ask nothing in return from you.
I shall not attempt to escape ; nor were I to do so, could
you aid me in any way. I merely wish to assist two
worthy fellows, who certainly do not look like the " spoiled
children of fortune." '
They hesitated, and seemed afraid ; and at last they
whispered for a few seconds together; and then one of
them went over, and taking up the desk, laid it down
before me. 'You can make a fair division at another
time,' said I ; ' it is better not to waste precious moments
now, but at once conceal the money about your persons.
Here are some eight or ten thousand piastres — and
here, fully as much more for you. These are Mexican
notes for a large sum, and these are bills on Amsterdam
and Hamburg for great amounts. That's right, my lads,
make short work of it — in your boots, in your shakos —
anywhere for the present, only be quiet ! '
Truly they merited all my encomiums ! To 'stow away'
plunder I 'd back them against any pair who ever stopped
a diligence on the highroad; nor was it without some
little difficulty I could persuade them to leave any money
in the desk, as a precaution to prevent the suspicion of
what had actually occurred. As I aided them in the work
of concealment, I artfully contrived to possess myself of
one paper — the Havannah banker's receipt for the large
deposits I had left in his hands, and this I managed to slip
within the lining of my travelling-cap. It was a last
anchor of hope, if ever I were to weather the storm
around me !
Our work had scarcely been completed, and the desk
replaced in its former situation, when the officer returned.
He briefly informed me that seals had been placed on all
13 2l
518 THE CONFESSIONS OF
my effects, that my household was placed under an arrest
similar to my own, and that when I had pointed out the
various articles of my property in the cabin, there was
nothing more for me to do but to accompany him on
shore.
As I was not suffered to take any portion of my
baggage with me, even of my clothes, I was soon in the
boat and pulling rapidly for the land. The quays and
the jetty were crowded with people, whose curiosity I at
once perceived had no other object than myself, and
although some did not scruple to exhibit towards me
signs of dislike and dissatisfaction, I could remark that
others regarded me with a compassionate, and even a
kindly look. All were, however, scrupulously silent and
respectful, and touched their hats in salutation as I
ascended the stairs of the landing-place.
This feeling, to my considerable astonishment, I per-
ceived extended even to the soldiery, one or two of whom
saluted as I passed. In any case, thought I, it is for no
insignificant offender I am taken ; and even that is some
comfort, provided my crime be not high-treason.
I was conducted straight to the ' Carcel Morena,' a
large, sombre-looking building, which was at once fortress,
prison, and residence of the governor, exhibiting a curious
mixture of these incongruous functions in all its details.
The apartment into which I was ushered was a large
saloon, dimly lighted by narrow windows piercing the
thick walls. The furniture had once been handsome, but
from time and neglect had become worn and disfigured.
A small table, spread with a very tolerable breakfast,
stood in one of the windows, at which I was invited to
seat myself, and then I was left alone to my own lucubra-
tions. Hunger prevailed over grief. I ate heartily, and
having concluded my meal, amused myself by studying
the Trojan War, which was displayed upon the walls in a
very ancient tapestry.
I had traced the fortunes of Greeks and Trojans on the
CON CREGAN 519
walls till I was well-nigh wearied. I had even gazed upon
the little patches of brown grass beneath the windows,
till my eyes grew dim with watching, but no one came to
look after me ; and, in the unbroken silence around, I half
feared that I should be utterly forgotten, and left, like the
old tapestry, to die of moths and years ; but at last, as day
was declining, I heard something like the clank of arms
and the tramp of soldiery, and soon the sounds were more
distinctly marked, approaching my door. Suddenly the
two leaves of the folding-door were thrown wide, and an
elderly man, in a general's uniform, followed by two other
officers, entered.
Without taking any notice of the salute I made him, he
walked towards the fire-place, and standing with his back
to it, said to one of his aides-de-camp, 'Read the prochs-
verbal, Jose.'
Jose bowed, and taking from his sabretache a very
lengthy roll of paper, began to read aloud, but with such
rapidity and such indistinctness withal, that I could only,
and with the greatest difficulty, catch a stray word here
and there. The titles of her Majesty the Queen appeared
to occupy full ten minutes, and an equal time to be passed
in setting forth the authority under whose jurisdiction I
then stood. These over, there came something about an
individual who, born a Mexican, or a native of Texas, had
assumed the style, title, and dignity of a count of Spain —
such rank being taken for purposes of deception, and the
better to effect certain treasonable designs, to be set forth
hereafter. After this there came a flourish about the
duties of loyalty and fidelity to the sovereign, whose
private virtues came in by parenthesis, together with a
very energetic denunciation on all base and wicked men,
who sought to carry dissension into the bosom of their
country, and convulse with the passions of a civil war a
nation proverbially tranquil and peace-loving.
Nothing could be less interesting than the style of this
paper, except the manner of him who recited it. State
520 THE CONFESSIONS OF
truisms, in inflated language, and wearisome platitudes
about nothing, received no additional grace from a
snuffling nasal intonation and a short cough.
I listened at first with the anxiety of a man whose
fortunes hung on the issue ; then, as the vague rambling
character of the document diminished this interest, I heard
with more indifference ; and lastly, completely wearied by
the monotony of the voice, and the tiresome iterations
of the style, I could not prevent my thoughts from
wandering far from the affair in hand.
What fearful crimes were alleged against me — what
dire offences I was charged with — I was not to hear, since,
lost in the pleasant land of daydreams, I fancied myself
strolling in the shade of a forest, with Donna Maria beside
me, while I poured out a most impassioned narrative of
my love and fidelity. Nor was it till the reading was
concluded, and a loud Hem ! from the general resounded
through the chamber, that I remembered where I was.
' Prisoner ! ' said he, in a stern, authoritative tone, ' you
have now heard the nature of the charge against you,
and the reasons of your arrest; you will answer certain
questions, the replies to which, if not in accordance with
truth, constitute the crime of traicion, the penalty being
death. What is your name ? '
' Con Cregan.'
' Native of what country ? '
' Ireland.'
' What rank and position do you hold in society ? '
' A variable one — as luck favours me.'
' What trade or profession do you follow ? '
1 Whatever seems most convenient at the moment.'
' Have you served ? '
' I have.'
' In the land or sea service ? '
' In both.'
' With what grade ? '
' Nothing very distinguished.'
CON CREGAN 521
' Have you ever held the command of an expedition ? '
' I have.'
' With what object, and where ? '
' In the prairies of South America, to shoot red deer.'
' Remember, sir,' said the general, ' this is no occasion
for untimely jest ; these sallies may cost you more dearly
than you think for.'
'If I am to speak the truth,' said I boldly, 'I must
answer as I have done. If you want fiction, I 'm ready for
you at a moment's notice.'
' Make a note of that, Jose — " says that he is perfectly
indifferent whether he tells truth or falsehood." '
'And add, by way of parenthesis,' said I, 'that the
general is precisely of my own way of thinking.'
' Write down, " insults the commission," ' said the
general, boiling with rage.
The paragraph seemed a full one, for the interrogating
was not resumed for some minutes.
'Now, sir,' resumed the general, 'state your object in
coming to the country.'
' To get out of it as fast as I could.'
' For whose use were the arms provided — the horses,
and horse equipage with which you embarked ? '
' My own.'
' Name the agent or agents of Don Carlos with whom
you have held correspondence ? '
' None. I never knew any.'
' By whose hands were the large sums of money in your
possession intrusted to you ? '
' I found them.'
' How, and where ? '
' In a hole.'
The general's face grew purple ; and more than once I
could see the struggle it cost him to repress his bursting
indignation. And, in the mutterings he let fall to his
secretary, it was easy to mark that his comments on the
evidence were not too favourable.
522 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'Were you acquainted with Brigadier Hermose Gon-
zillos?'
'No.'
' Nor with his brother, the Canon Gonzillos ? '
'No.'
' When did you first meet Senhor Ruy Peres Y' Hacho ? '
' Never saw him in my life.'
' Nor held intercourse with him ? '
' Never.'
' Were not much in his company, nor intrusted to him
the secret details of the expedition?'
' I know nothing of what you 're talking about.'
' Produce Ruy Peres,' said the general ; and the door
opened, and the chevalier, dressed in a military uniform,
and with several decorations of foreign orders, entered.
' Do you know this gentleman ? ' said the general dryly.
'I know him for a Pole, whose name is Alexis Rad-
chofody; at least, under such a name he once lived in
London, and is well known to the police there.'
' Go on,' said the general to the secretary. ' On being
confronted with the Sehhor Ruy Peres, the prisoner
became suddenly abashed, and at once confessed that
he had known him intimately several years before in
London.'
' Is that man a witness against me ? ' asked I eagerly.
'Attend to me, sir,' said the general, while he made
a sign to the chevalier to retire ; ' neither subterfuge nor
insolence will avail you here. You are perfectly well
known to us — your early history, your late intrigues,
your present intentions.'
'With such intimate knowledge of all about me,
general,' said I coolly, 'haven't we been wasting a great
deal of valuable time in this interrogatory ? '
' And, notwithstanding repeated admonitions, persisted
in using the most indecorous language to the commission.'
These words the general dictated in a loud voice, and they
were immediately taken down by his secretary.
CON CREGAN 523
' Senhor Concregan,' said he, addressing me, ' you stand
now committed, by virtue of a royal warrant, a copy of
which, and of the charges laid against you, will be duly
transmitted to you. Whenever the authorities have
decided whether your offence should be submitted to a
civil or military tribunal, you will be brought up for trial.'
'I am an English subject, sir,' said I; 'I belong to a
nation that never permits its meanest member to be
trampled on by foreign tyranny, far less will it suffer his
liberty or life to be sacrificed to a false and infamous
calumny. I claim the protection of my ambassador, or at
least of such a representative of my country as your petty
locality may possess. I desire ' What I was about to
demand as my birthright was not destined to be made
public on this occasion, since at a signal from the general
the door opened, and two soldiers advancing, adjusted
handcuffs on my wrists, and led me away even before
I had recovered from the surprise the whole proceeding
occasioned me.
Whether it was that I enjoyed the prerogative of a
state-prisoner, or that the authorities were not quite
clear that they were justified in what they were doing,
I cannot say, but my prison discipline was of the very
mildest order. I had a most comfortable room, with a
window looking seaward over the beautiful bay of Malaga,
taking a wide range along shore, where gardens, and
villas, and orange groves extended for miles. The furni-
ture was neat, and with some pretensions to luxury ; and
the fare, I am bound to own, was excellent. Books, and
even newspapers, were freely supplied to me, and, save
that at certain intervals the clank of a musket, and the
shuffling of feet in the corridor without, told that the
sentry of my guard was being relieved, I could have fancied
myself in some homely inn, without a restriction upon my
liberty. My handcuffs had been removed the moment I
had entered my chamber, and now the iron stanchions of
my window were the only reminders of a gaol around me.
CONSOLATIONS OF DIPLOMACY
HE first revulsion of feeling over — the terr-
ible shock of that fall from the pinnacle
of wealth and greatness to the lowly condition of a pris-
oner, unfriended and destitute — I actually began to enjoy
my life, and feel something wonderfully like happiness.
I do not pretend to say that my disappointment was not
most acute and painful, or that I suffered little from the
contemplation of my ruined hopes. No ! far from it ;
but my grief, like the course of a mountain torrent,
soon ran off, and left the stream of my life clear and
untroubled as ever. It is true, thought I, this is a terrible
contrast to what I was a week ago ! but still, is it not
a long way in advance of what my original condition
promised? I am a prisoner in a Spanish fortress — is
not even that better than a peasant in an Irish hovel?
The very cares with which I am surrounded bespeak a
certain consequence pertaining to me ; I am one whom
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 525
ministers of state think and speak about — whose name
is often on their lips — whose memory haunts them in
their half -waking moments. Is not this something? Is
it not a great deal to one, whose whole ideal was to avoid
the by-paths of life, and take his course in its very widest
and busiest thoroughfares.
The occupations in which I passed my days greatly
contributed to sustain this pleasant illusion. I was
eternally writing letters, memorials, statements of facts,
and what not, of interminable narratives, to all our
ministers and consuls, invoking their aid, and protesting,
in the name of the British nation, against the unwarrant-
able tyranny of my imprisonment. It is quite true that
these lengthy documents of mine seemed to meet but
sorry acceptance. For a length of time no acknowledg-
ment of their reception ever reached me, but at last the
following dry epistle informed me that my memorials
had reached their destination : —
'Sir, — I am directed by the Secretary of State for
Foreign Affairs to acknowledge the receipt of your
memorials, dated the 9th, 12th, 18th, 23rd, and 25th of
last month, together with various letters bearing on the
same subjects since that time, and to state in reply, that
the matter of your complaint is at present under investi-
gation with the authorities of the Spanish Government.
' His lordship the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs
desires me to add his regrets, that even in the event of
liberation, he can hold out no prospect whatever that any
compensation will be made to you for the loss of property
you allege to have suffered, and which, of course, was
incurred as one of the many risks natural to the course
of such an expedition as you were engaged in. — I have
the honour to be, sir, your most obedient servant,
'Joseph Backslip.
' F.O., London, Oct. 18—.
' To Cornelius Cregan, Esq.'
526 THE CONFESSIONS OF
This was a sad damper. To think that I was to lose
the immense amount of property with which I had em-
barked ! The gems and jewels, the rare objects of art, the
equipages, the beautiful horses of purest Mexican blood,
not to speak of that far greater loss — the large sum in
actual money ; but, then, what a consolation to remember,
that a Secretary of State was mingling his sorrows with
my own on the subject ; that he actually gave an official
character to his grief by desiring the Under-Secretary
to convey ' his regrets ' in a despatch ! his regrets — to me,
Con Cregan! What inestimable words! That ever I
should live to know that the Right Honourable Lord
Puzzleton, the adored cherub of fashion — the admired of
coteries — the worshipped of the Commons — the favoured
guest of Windsor, should, under the big seal of his office,
assure me of his heartfelt sympathy !
I closed my eyes as I read the paragraph, and imagined
that we were weeping together, like the 'Babes in the
Wood.' ' How they wrong this man,' thought I, ' in Eng-
land — what calumnies they circulate about his levity, his
heartlessness, and so forth ! And see ! look at him here,
mingling in the private sorrows of an individual, and
taking part in all the private woes of Con Cregan.' By
this beautiful artifice I contrived to raise the aforesaid
Con to a very considerable elevation in his own esteem.
And thus, worthy reader, by pleasant fancies and ingenious
illusions — wares that every man can fashion at will — did
I contrive to make my prison at Malaga a most endurable
resting-place, and even now to make its retrospect full of
sweet memories.
Nor were my imaginings limited to such visions as
these ; for I loved to compare my condition with that of
other exalted prisoners, and fancy how my conduct would
read by the side of theirs. If I were less piously resigned
— less submissive than Silvio Pellico — assuredly I showed
more dignity in my fall than the Exile of St. Helena. I
bore all the little vexations of my lot with a haughty
CON CREGAN 527
reserve that entirely subdued every sign of a querulous
nature, and seemed to say, ' My time will come yet ! '
At last it appeared either as if my memorials were
never opened, or, if opened, never read. No answer came
whatever ; and even the Malaga newspapers, which, in the
dearth of shipping intelligence, would often insert some
little notice of me, stating how 'the conde walked
yesterday for an hour upon "the leads'" — 'the conde
partook with an appetite of a partridge, and conversed
freely with the officer on duty,' and so on, now they never
by any chance alluded to me ; and I seemed, for all the
interest the world manifested about me, to have suffered
a species of moral decease. It was the unhealthy season of
the year, and the consul had absented himself, leaving his
functions to his ' Vice,' who having also a ' constitution,'
had departed likewise, bequeathing the traditions and
cares of office to his Dutch colleague, who neither spoke
nor read any other tongue than that muddy language
begotten of dykes and fogs. Wearied possibly by the
daily arrival of half a quire of my remonstrances, or
curious to see the machine by which these broad sheets
were struck off with such unfailing celerity, this official
arrived one day at the prison with an order from the
governor, permitting him to see the conde.
I was as usual writing away when the turnkey
announced his Excellency (every official is Excellency if
too low for Highness), Mynheer van Hoagendrius, and a
very short and immensely fat personage, dressed in a kind
of black-and-white plaid jacket and trousers, entered. He
looked like a huge chess-board set on legs. A grunt, a
snort, a thick sound like a struggle between choking and
gurgling ensued, which I concluded to be something in
Dutch, and he seated himself opposite me.
I made my compliments to him, polyglot-wise, in
French, English, Spanish, and at last German — the last
evidently striking a spark out of the embers of his cold
intelligence, for he fixed his dull eyes upon me, and
528 THE CONFESSIONS OF
seemed as though he would soon wake up. Animated by
this hope, I proceeded in my very best 'Deutsch' to
expound my sorrows to him. Fortunately for me, my
German had been acquired in the low companionship of
' skippers ' and sailors, and consequently bore a nearer
resemblance to its half-brother of Holland than the more
cultivated tongues of professors and philosophers.
I cannot, to this hour, say whether it arose from any
interest in the narrative, or whether proceeding from the
laudable desire to come at the truth in a question of
much difficulty, but the Mynheer now came to me each
morning, and usually stayed two hours, during which I
talked and he smoked incessantly. Often, when he left
me, have I asked myself ' what progress I had made in his
good opinion? how far had I made him master of my
case ? ' but the question remained without an answer ; for
if occasionally a stray flash of intelligence would light up
his dull features, on following the direction of his eyes I
could perceive that the animation arose from the sight of
some fishing-boat returning loaded with turbot, or that
the savoury odour of salt cod had saluted him from the
shore. I felt at length as though I were sailing without a
log-line — nothing to mark my progress or say in what
latitude I cruised.
My Dutch friend had now been visiting me for above
six weeks, during which, if he had not supplied himself
with every detail of my calamity, he had at least smoked
all the choice tobacco which, as a favour from the
governor, I was permitted to land for my own use, and
as yet he had given no signs of life other than the act
of fumigation aforesaid. I was half angry, half amused,
at the little act of dexterity with which he emptied
the last remnant of my pure Havannah into his pipe,
and heard, with a kind of malicious satisfaction, the
little sigh with which he pushed the empty canister from
him.
He seemed lost for some time in the slough of his
C em's Dutch. TtieucL .
CON CREGAN 529
Dutch reflections, but at length he fixed his eyes upon me,
and in a low, suffocating tone said, ' Hast a file ? '
1 No,' said I.
' There then,' said he, giving me a small parcel tightly
tied up in paper. ' Farewell ! ' and he moved towards the
door before I could recover from my surprise to thank
him. As he reached it, he turned about, and in a very
significant voice said, ' Der bood est hardt ' — a species of
Plat-Deutsch I might not have understood if unaccom-
panied by a gesture, which implied that the ground was
hard beneath my window, as a caution to me in the event
of a leap.
No sooner was I alone than I opened my precious
packet, which, besides two files, contained a small phial of
aqua-fortis and another of oil — the latter a useful adjunct
to prevent the grating noise being heard. Having con-
cealed the implements in a rat -hole, I proceeded to
examine the iron bars of the window, which, although
seemingly of great size and strength, were in reality
coated "with a rust of more than half their actual thick-
ness. This was a most inspiriting discovery, and at once
animated me with glowing hopes of success.
As I could only work during the night, I affected illness
as a reason for keeping my bed during the day, when I
slept profoundly and refreshingly.
The non-success of all my efforts to interest diplomacy
in my cause was just beginning to impress me with a
sense of gloom and despondency, when this new incident
occurred to rally my drooping courage. Life had now an
object, and that, if not always enough for happiness, is
sufficient at least to rouse those energies which, when
stagnant, produce despair. How I longed for night to
come that I might resume my labour ! "with "what resolute
industry I worked on during the dark hours, only ceasing
when the change of the sentries brought the guard close
beneath my window, and even grudging the few seconds
thus wasted. With what delight I used to measure the
530 THE CONFESSIONS OF
fissure, which, at first only deep enough for my nail, was
now sufficient to cover the file ! This I used to conceal
each morning with bread, coloured by the rusty powder
that fell from the filing, so that, to all seeming, everything
was in its usual order.
This was almost the only period of my life in which I
remembered my father : from some similarity in our
condition, perhaps, he was now seldom out of my
thoughts. I used to wonder if he were still alive, and
how situated; whether he was yet a convict going forth
in chains to daily toil, or a ticket-of -leave man, working at
some settlement in the Bush. Did he ever think of me?
Did he ever dream of his native land, or wish to return to
it? and what prospect of escape did fortune hold out to
him ? That, after all, was the great link which bound him
to my thoughts; was there any silent and sympathising
Dutchman to take pity on his captivity ?
At the close of the fifth week, I had the inestimable
pleasure of ' reporting the breach practicable,' or, in less
sounding phrase, of assuring myself that the middle bar
of the window was removable at will; and thus a free
egress was permitted me to an extensive terrace, which,
with a low parapet, overlooked the bay for miles. This
was about five-and-twenty feet from the ground, and was
guarded beneath by a sentry, one of a chain of sentinels
whose wateh extended around the entire fortress. The
descent and the guard were then the only difficulties
which now remained to be overcome, so far, at least, as
mere liberation from the prison walls extended. I am
sure I invented at least fifty choice stratagems, which
after-thought always showed were perfectly worthless. I
bethought me of bribing the sentry with the few gold
pieces which I still possessed; but what security had I
that he might not resist the seduction, or betray me even
after receiving the money ?
The fall, too, was considerable ; nor was there anything
to which I could attach my bed-clothes to lower myself to
CON CREGAN 531
the ground. It must be a drop; and what a situation
should I be in were I to break a bone, or even sprain my
ankle in the effort ? Alas ! I now perceived that, although
the most laborious portion of my work was accomplished,
the most difficult still remained to be done.
The obstacles to mere escape were sufficiently great to
prevent me even thinking of the course to be pursued
after I reached the ground in safety, for I was without
friend, shelter, passport, or any means of disguise or
concealment whatever.
I pondered long and carefully over the question, and
already had two dreary weeks passed over since I had cut
through the bar, and yet, so far as I could see, no nearer
to liberation than when the solid iron inclosed me. My
mind began to sink under the fatigue of unceasing con-
trivance, and a dreamy, dreary sense of hopelessness
seemed gaining on me. It had been a dark cloudy day,
with gusts of wind, followed by intervals of calm. The
air was moist and heavy, and charged with the depressing
influences which the ' mestrale,' that sickliest of all winds,
ever brings. Masses of leaden-coloured clouds floated low
over the sea, which was broken into a short angry ' jobbe,'
as if after a storm.
All betokened the approach of a gale of wind, and as
night set in, the signs of bad weather thickened. Scarcely
had the sun set, when it became dark as pitch ; the wind,
which had lulled for a brief space previous, now sprang
up, and the sea fretted and chafed against the rocks with
that peculiar sharp chirping sound that presages wind.
The clank of chain cables — the plashing noise of falling
anchors — the loud shouts of the sailors as they prepared
to meet the gathering storm, even now heard — while, in
the changing position of the different lights of the bay, I
could discern the movements of the various vessels as they
sought shelter or made ready for sea, in expectation of the
gale. The impenetrable darkness, the roaring wind, the
flashing of the lights, the cries of the seamen, the hurrying
532 THE CONFESSIONS OF
of feet along the quays, and the sounds of different boats'
crews departing in haste — all gave a charm to a scene of
which the obscurity increased the interest. A large French
steamer was to have sailed that night for Marseilles, but I
overheard a voice from the street foretelling that the
Gazonne might leave without her passengers, 'as no one
would go on board of her on such a night.' A red lantern
at the peak indicated the vessel, and I could see that she
had changed her position and ' taken up a berth ' farther
out in the bay.
I cannot tell by what instinct I selected her as a
peculiar object of my interest, but so it was. I watched
her unceasingly, and rarely took my eyes from the quarter
where she lay ; and when the heaving motion of the ' red
light' showed that she was tossing in a heavy sea, I
listened too with eagerness to catch anything from those
that passed beneath that might concern this vessel, which
now engrossed all my sympathy. ' Were I once but on
board of her,' thought I, ' the wildest hurricane that ever
blew would be sweeter to me than all the balmy airs that
ever bore the odour of orange-blossom through my barred
window ! ' I would have braved the stormiest seas, the
maddest gale, shipwreck itself, rather than longer remain
the helpless, hopeless thing a life of imprisonment was
making of me. 'Would that the alternative were given
me,' said I to myself : ' the free choice to change these four
walls for the deck over which the waves are dancing in
foamy sheets ! with what a thankful heart would I take
the offer.'
The last visit of the turnkey, who came to see all safe,
broke in for a moment upon these musings ; and now the
double-locked door, and his retiring footsteps, told me that
no further molestation was to be feared, and that I was,
at least till daybreak, the undisturbed master of my own
reveries. I opened the window, pushed back the iron
stanchion, and walked out upon the terrace. It was a
night of storm and wild hurricane. The rain swept by in
CON CREGAN 533
great plashes, increasing the darkness, and mingling its
hissing noise with the breaking crash of the sea, as it beat
furiously against the rocks. The dancing, bobbing motion
of the lights on board the different craft showed what ' a
sea ' was raging in the bay ; while, even in the city itself,
the clatter of falling tiles and chimneys told the violence
of the gale. I stood upon the terrace ; and as the rain
penetrated my frail garment, and the wind wafted my wet
hair across my cheeks, I felt a sense of ecstasy that nothing
in all my previous life had ever equalled. It was the sensa-
tion of freedom ; it was the burst of delight with which
the captive welcomes the long-lost liberty. ' Better this,'
thought I, 'than the snuggest chamber that ever called
itself a prison.'
It was past the hour when any further visit from the
turnkey might be expected. Already the outer door of
my chamber had been locked and barred with all that
scrupulous attention to noise and clank that are supposed
only essential in a melodrama. The sentry had just been
relieved on the esplanade beneath the terrace, so that I
might consider myself disencumbered from all fear of
interruption in any quarter. I sat down upon the parapet
and peered into the dark depth below me, where the hazy
glimmer of the sentry's lamp served to mark the height.
At first it seemed a terrific drop; but after a while I
began to satisfy myself that the darkness contributed to
this effect ; and as my sight grew more accustomed to the
gloom, I was able to trace different objects — among others,
the conical roof of the sentry-box, at a distance of scarcely
more than fifteen feet beneath me.
Thus far I could reach by making a rope of my bed-
clothes, and attaching one end to a portion of the battlement
of the parapet ; but how should I venture on a descent in
such a place ? how risk the almost certainty of recapture
by the sentry himself ? This was a formidable difficulty,
and demanded much consideration; and yet, were I to
select any other spot, I might chance to be disabled by
13 2 m
534 THE CONFESSIONS OF
the fall, and then all my efforts were fruitless, since a
broken bone, or even a sprained ankle, would be certain
ruin.
Never was a knotty point more canvassed, nor the clue
to a difficulty more zealously searched for ! As generally
happens in such cases, first thoughts are best, and the bold
course the safest. By descending on the sentry-box, I
should at least reach the ground without injury ; and if I
were to have a ' tussle ' for it with the guard, it would be
without the disadvantage of a previous damage. Besides
this, the incessant noise of the tempest, the crashing of the
sea, and the deep booming of the thunder, gave hopes that
my descent might be unheard. Nay, more — the sound of
my heavy body over his head would be rather an admoni-
tion to stay quietly within than risk himself outside, to
the danger of tumbling tiles, or masses of masonry from
the parapet. The more I reflected upon this, the clearer I
saw that the storm was a heaven-sent accident for me;
that the darkness, the tumult, and the deserted streets,
were all accessories the most favourable — that to neglect
such an occasion of escape would be downright madness.
If I took some time to arrive at this conclusion, I made
up for the delay by the rapidity of my subsequent move-
ments. I hastily returned to my room; and had I been
bred a ropemaker my two sheets and counterpane could
not have been fashioned into a three-stranded rope more
handily ; and my sailor's experience favouring, I adjusted
the cord in a ' timber hith ' round one of the battlements,
and well satisfied myself that I might trust to the other
extremity — ' Con Cregan and his fortunes.'
I then took a hurried survey of my room — trimmed my
lamp that it might burn till morning, secured the three or
four papers of value which still remained to me, and then
issued forth to my enterprise.
A cannon-shot from the bay rang out as I again stepped
upon the terrace, and I accepted the augury as an omen of
welcome, I will not deny that my hands trembled as I
The Escape
CON CREGAN 535
examined, for the last time, the fastening of the cord ; nor
do I seek to conceal that, as I buttoned my coat, the beat-
ing of my heart smote heavily against my fingers. I even
hesitated for an instant — and during that instant, brief as
it was, I could have faced death itself rather than the
uncertainty before me. The weakness passed quickly
away, and, with a short but fervent prayer, I grasped the
rope and slipped noiselessly over the parapet.
A sudden gust of wind swept past at the moment, and
swung me out from the wall, as though I had been a thing
of no weight — calling for all my strength to prevent me
from being blown away ! And now I was buffeted about —
tossed here and thrown there, with a violence that almost
dislocated every joint in my body. The jerking motion,
and the chafing of my rope on the parapet, made me
tremble for my security, and not without cause ; for in
one great swing, in which I described an arc no other
pendulum, living or dead, ever compassed before, I came
back with such force against the roof of the sentry-box,
striking it with both my f 3et together at the same instant,
that my cord snapped short in the very centre.
The force of my fall, added to the previous blow,
capsized the sentry-box, and I came to the ground along
with it, in a state of fright that even to this very hour I
cannot recall without shuddering. Half stunned by the
fall, bruised and almost lifeless from terror, I sat there
waiting for the moment when the sentry would issue forth
and seize me ; nor was it till after the lapse of several
minutes that I perceived that the soldier was in a trap :
the weighty sentry-box had fallen over on the front,
and effectually debarred him from any chance of self-
extrication.
I stooped over to listen, but all was still; he never
spoke a word — probably stunned by the shock, or he
might have fainted from terror. Whatever the cause,
neither my humanity nor my curiosity cared to explore
further, but, rising to my feet, and ascertaining to my
536 THE CONFESSIONS OF
inexpressible delight that I was uninjured, I set off at full
speed toward the shore. The sea suggested escape, and
thither I bent my way without thinking more on the
matter.
I could see from the hurried movement of lights along
the pier that boats were rapidly leaving for the various
ships in the harbour. To get on board any of these, no
matter what, or whither bound, was all my object — a
Tunis pirate, or a Malay prow, would have been a happy
exchange for the black prison at Malaga.
I had almost run myself out of breath when I came up
with a knot of some dozen people who were hastening
onward as fast as they could. Two heavily laden barrows
with luggage, and a multitude of cloaks, shawls, and
mantles, pronounced them to be travellers; and I soon
collected from the expressions dropped by the boatmen
that they were about to embark in the French steamer for
Leghorn. Mingling with the group, which the darkness
freely permitted, I heard a voice say in English something
about the weather ; and now listening more attentively, I
picked up that they were an English family hurrying to
Pisa, to see a son, whose failing health gave them no time
for delay. I gathered, too, that the packet, which should
not have started till the next day, was now leaving
suddenly, the captain having sent a message to say that
he had determined to put to sea rather than ride out the
gale so near shore.
The travellers were mingling their complaints at this
peremptory summons with others over the absence of
their courier, who had got leave to see some of his friends
about a league away, and must now inevitably be left
behind. In the course of their lamentings I could learn
that they had only engaged the man the evening before
at the recommendation of the landlord, and had scarcely
seen him above a couple of times. In fact, except that he
was an Italian, and his name Raffaello, they knew nothing
about him,
CON CREGAN 537
At last they reached the jetty where the boat lay ; and
now I could hear their discussion, whether it were better
to leave the courier's effects behind or take them on, in
the hope that he might yet come up.
' He 's a smart fellow, and depend upon it he '11 be here
before we sail,' said a young man of the party.
' No, no,' cried another, ' he '11 never hear a word of the
packet till she's half-way to Leghorn.'
' What did you tell him, William ? ' asked an elderly
lady.
' To be back by six o'clock to-morrow morning,' said the
first speaker.
' Ay, but in what language did you speak ? '
' I spoke Italian, and afterwards I said it in French, for
he doesn't know one word of English.'
This was all I wanted ; I slipped noiselessly away, and
retiring to some distance behind the party, waited till I
saw them descend the stairs to the boat. This occupied
some time, for the party were numerous, and their trunks
and portmanteaus were without end. At last, just as the
word to shove off was given, I dashed forward at the top
of my speed, crying out in Spanish, ' Hold fast there ! wait
for the courier ! '
' What 's the matter ? ' asked one of the Englishmen.
' A courier, senhor,' said a sailor, ' wants to come
with us.'
' Oh, Raff aello, by George ! ' exclaimed the other ; ' I
knew he 'd be up. Put back, men, he belongs to us.'
' Pardon, signori,' said I, stepping lightly over the
gunwale, ' I have had a sharp run for it ' ; and away we
went! Seated on a great coat of black sheepskin, which
from its style and cut I knew must have belonged to my
predecessor, Raffaello, I could see the rapid passage of
lights on the shore in the direction of my late prison, and
at last could detect one glimmering from a part of the
building where my cell stood. The roll of drums beating
to arms was soon heard, and it was evident to me that my
538 THE CONFESSIONS OF
escape had become known — that the garrison of the for-
tress was on the alert to recapture me. Although fully a
mile from land, and rowing with all the vigour of twelve
stout sailors towards a vessel whose steam was already
whizzing through the escape funnel, my heart almost sank
within me from very fear ; and rather than be retaken, I
would have jumped into the boiling tide that swelled and
broke around me.
The sailors more than once relaxed their efforts to
watch what was going forward on shore ; and how
fervently did I, in silence, curse their curiosity. Ex-
ternally, however, I maintained my calm demeanour,
and even ventured to conjecture that a fire must have
broken out in the fortress, such was the commotion and
excitement discernible in that quarter.
Another suggested the possibility of its being some
prisoner that had made his escape — a notion which I took
occasion to ridicule, by averring that the Carcel was
reputed to be the strongest prison in Spain, and an
instance of evasion altogether unknown.
Thus chatting we reached the steamer. To my intense
delight the anchor was already weighed ; and scarcely had
we mounted the ladder than she broached round, head to
sea, and clove through the water like a fish.
Every plunge of the great ship shook the strong
timbers, and made her huge framework tremble, sending
a thrill of pleasure through me. With each mountain
wave that rolled past, I saw my chance of safety increase,
and knew that no boat — manned by Spaniards at least —
Would dare pursuit in such a storm. I had abundant
leisure for these reflections, since my 'masters' had only
time to get on board when they retired to their berths
overcome by sea-sickness, so that I was at full liberty
to indulge my own thoughts, and dispose of myself
without the slightest interruption. From a smart little
French maid I learned that the family was called Grimes
—that they had recently come from England, by way of
CON CREGAN 539
Gibraltar, where one of the sons, now with them, was
quartered with his regiment. That the party consisted of
a widow lady with three daughters and two sons — a third
being the invalid at Pisa. They were rich, good sort of
folks, very ignorant of the Continent, very credulous, and
altogether a satisfactory kind of connection for a cunning
French femme de chambre and a roguish courier to fall in
with. This latter fact Mademoiselle Virginie insisted
upon, with no small degree of self-gratulation, giving me
to understand that we might have a very thriving career
as fellow-labourers in the same vineyard.
Her sketches of English life, manners, and prejudices
were not a little amusing, while the rules she laid down
for the due management and control of her masters were
a perfect chapter in domestic Machiavelism. There had
once been a time when I would have enlisted willingly
under such a banner — glad to reach the upper storey of life
even by such a back-stair ; but now that I had tasted the
glorious supremacy of command myself — that I had
revelled in the mastery of a great household — that I had
rolled along in my own chariot, clothed in fine linen and
faring sumptuously every day, I felt my return to a
menial situation a degradation unendurable. I determined
that once in Italy I would escape from the thraldom of
such servitude, come what might of it.
By long dwelling on the theme, I had contrived to
impress myself with the most profound conviction that I
was a much-injured individual — that my case, if not
sufficient for a war with Spain, was a fair ground for a
parliamentary 'flare-up,' angry diplomatic notes, and
Heaven knows what threats of our outraged Foreign
Office. That a man with such a glorious grievance should
sink down into a courier, to wrangle with landlords, bully
waiters, and flirt with the ' maid in the rumble,' was not to
be thought of. I felt that I was sworn at Highgate, and
destined for the inside of the travelling-carriage, and not
the ' out.'
540 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Scarcely were we arrived at Leghorn, and installed at
the ' San Marco,' then I began to prepare for my emancipa-
tion — a bold step, considering that all the available
resources I possessed was a ruby ring set round with
brilliants, which I had concealed in my cap along with my
papers. I was admonished to lose no time in my depar-
ture, by remarking that another packet from Malaga was
expected within a week, which probably would convey the
rightful courier in search of his missing baggage, and I
was by no means desirous of being confronted with the
real Simon Pure.
I am not sure that this latter consideration did not
weigh most with me in the matter, since the novelty of
my situation and the sense of its creature-comforts might
have induced me to linger a little longer in a capacity
even as humble. With such people as the Grimes's the
courier was supreme, and his rule despotic. From the
hour at which they were to dine, to what they were to
eat — how they were to spend the day — what to see, and
what to avoid, were all at his dictation ; while from the
landlord came a perfect volley of civilities, that plainly
showed who was the real personage to whom adulation
was due. If my masters dined on a chicken, / fed upon
ortolans ; while they made wry faces over their ' Chiante,'
/ luxuriated on Chateau La Rose or Chambertin. For my
table were . reserved the oysters of Venice, the fresh
sardines of Gorgona, the delicate mutton of Pistoja,
the delicious Becafica of the Val d'Arno, while Piscia was
ransacked for my dessert, till I saw myself surrounded
with rarities that even in my great days I scarcely
dreamed of.
There was a kind of abandon too in this mode of life
that pleased me well — a delightful sense of irresponsibility
pervaded everything I did or imagined.
The courier knows nothing of that hesitation which
besets his master at the thought of some costly indulgence.
He neither doubts nor denies himself. The Emperor of
CON CREGAN 541
Russia may have bespoke the post-horses, but he knows
how to bribe against the Czar himself, and would intrigue
for the fish intended for a cardinal's Friday dinner. He is
perhaps the only traveller who is indifferent to the bill ;
nay, he even glories in its extravagance, as increasing his
own percentage. I was beginning to see and appreciate
all these advantages when caution admonished me to
escape. The real Raffaelo "was doubtless already at sea,
and might arrive ere I had evacuated the territory.
I only waited, then, to see ' my family ' snugly housed at
Pisa, when I proceeded to tender my resignation. It was
very flattering to my vanity to see the distress my
announcement created. They evidently felt like a crew
about to be deserted by the pilot in a difficult navigation.
They were but indifferent linguists and worse travellers ;
and I almost repented of my resolve as I perceived the
dismay it occasioned — the full measure of which I was
admitted to witness, since, from my supposed ignorance
of English, they discussed the question very freely in my
presence.
' Does he say he 's dissatisfied with his situation ? ' asked
the old lady.
'It is difficult to make out what he means, mamma,'
replied a daughter.
' These fellows are always intriguing for higher wages,'
observed the subaltern.
' Or to engage with people of greater consequence,'
remarked the second son.
' We had better send for the tutor, mamma ; he speaks
French better than we do.'
This proposition — albeit not accepted as a compliment
to themselves by the two brothers — was at last acceded to,
and, after a brief delay, the individual in question made
his appearance. To avoid any semblance of understanding
what went forward, I stood in patient silence, not even
turning my head in the direction where the family were
now grouped around the ' dragoman.'
542 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' You are to find out what he wants,' said the old lady
eagerly. 'Say that we are perfectly satisfied with him;
and if it be an increase '
' That he '11 not get a sou more with my consent,' broke
in the sub. ' He receives already more than a captain in
the line.'
'I only know that I never had as much to spend at
Cambridge,' echoed the other.
'They are always extravagantly paid,' said the elder
daughter.
'The creatures give themselves such airs,' observed
number two.
' And when they are at all well-looking they 're intoler-
able,' broke in number three, who had been coolly scanning
me through her eye-glass.
The tutor by this time had evidently received his in-
structions in full, and beckoned me to follow him into a
small room adjoining the saloon. I obeyed ; and scarcely
had the door closed upon us than I started, and broke
out into an involuntary exclamation of surprise. The
individual before me was no other than my first friend —
the kind youth who had taken me by the hand at the very
outset of my career — the student of Trinity, Dublin, named
Lyndsay.
As I perceived that he did not recognise me, I had time
enough to observe him well, and mark the change which
more than twelve years had wrought upon him. Though
still young, anxiety and mental exertion had worn him
into premature age. His eye was dulled, his cheeks pale
and sunken, and in his manner there was that timid
hesitation that stood abashed in the presence of my own
cool effrontery. I could see easily that the man of thought
and reflection was succumbing before the man of action
and of the world, and I was selfish enough to revel in the
triumph.
In a low diffident voice he proceeded to ask me if there
was anything in the nature of my situation that induced
CON CREGAN 543
me to quit a service where I had given the fullest satis-
faction.
I replied by an easy caress of my long black moustache,
and a certain expressive gesture of the shoulders, meant
to convey that my objections were of a nature that did
not admit exactly of discussion — rather questions of
delicate personal feeling than of actual difficulty ; hinted
that I had rarely served anything less than a royal high-
ness, and feared that I should be likely to injure myself —
of degenerating into an easy and familiar manner by
associating with those so nearly of my own level.
I saw the blood mantle in the pale cheek of the student
as he listened to this impertinence, and thought that I
could mark the struggle that was passing within him,
while, in a calm, collected tone he said ' that those were
questions on which he could not give any opinion, and
that, if I desired to leave, of course no further objections
would be offered. Might I ask,' added he, with a manner
where a most courteous politeness prevailed — 'might I
ask what are the qualifications of a person in your con-
dition of life ? '
' I think,' replied I, ' that I appreciate the meaning of
your question. You would ask me by what right a man
humbly born, educated to mere menial duties, can aspire
to the position and pay a courier claims. I am willing to
tell you. To begin, then : — He must be familiar with the
geography of Europe — I speak here of the merely con-
tinental courier — he must know the boundaries, the high-
roads, the coinage, the customs, the privileges of every
petty state, from the smallest principality of Germany to
the greatest sovereignty of a czar. He must know the
languages, not as scholars and grammarians know them,
but in all their dialects and patois. It is not enough
that he has learned the tongue in which Dante wrote, or
Metastasio sung, he must speak Venetian and Milanese,
Neapolitan and Piedmontese. He should know the low
German of the Black Forest, the Wiener dialect of the
544 THE CONFESSIONS OF
Austrian, and talk every gradation of French, from the
frontiers of Flanders to the vine-groves of Provence
and Auvergne. He must be as familiar with every city
of Europe as though it were his birthplace — with the
churches, the galleries, their monuments, and their history.
He must know the delicacies of each land, and every
rarity it can produce for the palate of the epicure. He
must be a connoisseur in wine, pictures, china, cuisine,
statuary, engravings, armour, ancient furniture, manu-
scripts, horse-flesh, the drama, and Bohemian glass ; able
to pack a trunk, or expatiate upon a Titian ; to illustrate
a fresco, to cheat a custom-house, to bully a prefect, make
an omelette, ride postillion. These, with a running know-
ledge of international law, and the Code Napoleon, and
some skill in all the minor operations of surgery — these
are a brief summary of a courier's qualifications.'
'And do you tell me, friend,' said he earnestly, 'that
you can do all this ? '
' Indifferent well,' said I carelessly. ' There are, doubt-
less, others who have gained a higher proficiency in the
craft ; but as I am still young, I '11 not despair of future
eminence.'
He heaved a deep sigh, and leaned his head upon his
hand.
I fancied I could read what was passing in his mind, and
at a haphazard, said, ' You are contrasting the catalogue
with that of your own requirements, and perhaps asking
yourself to what end all the midnight toil of scholarship ?
why have I laboured hard with aching brow and fevered
heart, when one with vulgar attainments like these — the
scattered fragments — the crumbs that fall from the table
of real knowledge, can secure a better livelihood and more
real independence than myself; and the reason is, mine
are marketable wares that find purchasers in every class,
and among every gradation of society. "My lord" must
have his courier, so must the rich cotton-spinner or the
CON CREGAN 545
barrister on his wedding-tour. The wealthy dowager,
the blooming widow, the ex-minister travelling for " dis-
traction," the young heir journeying for dissipation, the
prelate, the banker, the ruined duke, the newly enriched
mill-owner — all, however differing in other points, agree
in this one want, and must have one who will think for
them and speak for them, bargain and bully for them,
assert their rank and importance wherever they appear ;
so that of the obstacles of travel, its difficulties and con-
trarieties, they should know as little as though their road
lay between London and Croydon.'
• Still it is a puzzle to me,' sighed the young man, ' how
these people achieve the attainments you speak of. Even
a smattering of such knowledge would seem to require
both time and study.'
' They have but a smattering,' said I ; ' yet it is gained
exactly in the very school where such small proficiency
goes farthest — "the world" — and which you will one day
discover has its sources of knowledge, its tests of ability,
ay, and its degrees of honour, marked out as palpably
as Oxford and Cambridge. There is this advantage, too,
sir, over the university — the track in which you are to
travel is marked out for you — you must not stray to the
right or to the left, while in "the world" the field of
direction is wide, open, and expanded ; there 's a path for
every one, if they 11 only look for it.'
He started as I said these words ; and as his cheeks
flushed up, he said, ' I remember once upon a time hearing
those very words from a poor friendless boy in my own
country. He was setting out, as he said, to seek his
fortune, and his whole stock in life was the hope inspired
by that sentiment.'
' And what became of him ? '
'I never could learn; he disappeared suddenly, and
whether he enlisted into some regiment abroad, or died
at home, I never ascertained.'
546 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Then I can tell you, sir — he now stands before you, the
same whom once you so kindly succoured — the houseless,
friendless child, whom you protected and sheltered — I am
Con Cregan.'
It would be difficult to describe the bewilderment of
poor Lyndsay as I said this ; he sat down, closed his eyes,
opened them again, rubbed them, stared at me, tried to
speak, and at last, rising up, grasped my hand warmly,
and cried, ' Then of course you remember my name ? '
' I could never forget it, Mr. Lyndsay,' said I affection-
ately.
This was enough, and he now shook me by both hands
with all the warmth of old friendship.
As he was madly eager to learn the story of my life,
and as I was bent on my departure by the morning mail
for Genoa, we agreed to meet at an hour when the house-
hold had retired to bed; meanwhile he was to charge
himself with the office of making an explanation to the
family, and informing them that matters of urgency re-
quired my presence at Paris without delay. This agreed
upon, we separated.
The entire night we passed in talking, for he insisted
upon hearing my adventures from the very hour we had
parted company in Dublin, down to the moment we were
then seated together. It was evident, at times, from the
tone of questioning, that he accepted several of my state-
ments at least as doubtful, but gradually, as he discovered
my acquaintance with various languages, the knowledge
I possessed of different remote countries, their habits and
natural productions, this incredulity gave way, and when
finally I produced the letters of the Havannah banker,
with the receipts for my instalments, he showed that
every shade of hesitation had vanished, and that he no
longer entertained a doubt of my veracity.
As the hour of separating drew nigh, he turned the
subject to my own immediate requirements, and although
CON CREGAN 547
I assured him that my ring, which I had already disposed
of, was sufficient for all immediate wants, he insisted upon
my accepting a loan of one hundred dollars, to be repaid,
as he himself said, ' when I resumed my countship.' These
were his parting words as I ascended to the roof of the
diligence.
A NEW WALK IN PBOGRESSIVE LIFE
WILL not trespass on my reader's patience with
the details of my journey, nor ask him to form acquaint-
ance with any of those pleasant travelling companions
whose whims, caprices, and merry fancies lightened the
road. The company of a diligence is a little world in all its
features of selfishness, apathy, trustfulness, credulity, and
unbelief. It has its mock humilities and absurd pretensions
even more glaringly displayed than everyday life exhibits
them. Enough, then, if I say ours were fair specimens
of the class, and when, on arriving at the 'Messageries
Royales,' the heavy ' conveniency ' deposited us in the
court, we shook hands all round ere separating, like
people who were well pleased when together, but yet not
broken-hearted at the thought of parting.
And now I found myself at Paris, that glorious capital
whose very air is the champagne of atmospheres, and
where, amid the brilliant objects so lavishly thrown on
every side, even the poor man forgets his poverty, and
actually thinks he has some share in the gorgeous scene
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 549
around him. I heaved one heavy sigh, from the very-
bottom of my heart, as I thought what might have been
the condition in which I could once have rolled along
these same streets ; and with this brief tribute to the past
I trudged along towards the embassy. All my hope lay
in the prospect of an interference on the part of the
English Government, and the demand of an indemni-
fication for my loss.
After some little delay, and a slight catechising on the
part of a bulky porter in scarlet livery, I was admitted to
a room where a number of people, chiefly couriers and
laquais de place, were assembled, to obtain signatures or
passports, and who were summoned from time to time
to enter an inner chamber where the official sat. My turn
came at length, and with a heart almost swelling to
suffocation, I entered.
' For England, I suppose,' said a pale young gentleman,
with black moustaches, not looking up from the table,
where he sat reading his Galignani.
'No, sir, mine is not a passport case. I am here to
make a charge against the Spanish Government for false
imprisonment and spoliation.'
The young gentleman raised his head, and stared at me
fixedly for a couple of seconds, and then, in the most
silvery of accents, said, ' Be good enough to repeat what
you have said.'
I did so ; adding, ' As my case has occupied the attention
of the Foreign Office for some time back, you may possibly
have heard of my name — Count Cregan.'
The youth sprang up from his chair and hastened into
another room, whence I could hear loud shouts of laughter
immediately proceeding.
' No, no, Barrington,' said a deeper and an older voice.
I I don't want to see the fellow, and I advise you to get rid
of him at once. He'll be a bore to us every day of the
week if you give him the slightest encouragement.'
' But is there really nothing in his case ? '
13 2n
550 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Nothing whatever ; he is a downright impostor.'
' But Puzzleton certainly corresponded with him.'
' Of course he did, to prevent the opposition making a
handle of his case in " the House " ; but he soon saw the
whole thing was a trumped-up charge ; and as we want to
go on smoothly with the Madrid Government, it would be
absurd to disturb our relations for the sake of a fellow
like this.'
1 Oh, that 's it,' said the attache, catching a faint
glimmering of the secret machinery of diplomacy.
'To be sure,' added the other; 'if we wanted a
grievance, that man's would do as well as another; but
there is no need to hold him over, we can always catch the
Spaniards tripping when we want it. My advice is, there-
fore, get rid of him. Say that he must embody his state-
ment in the form of a memorial, supported by whatever
he can adduce in the way of evidence; that a personal
interview can lead to nothing ; and, in fact, dismiss him
in the usual way.'
And with these lucid instructions — given in a tone far
too loud to be diplomatic — the attache returned to the
room where I waited.
' You '11 have to reduce this to writing, Count Cregan,'
said he, standing with his back to the fire, and assuming
an air that he fancied was quite that of a Talleyrand —
' something in the form of a memorial, you understand.'
' I have already done so unsuccessfully,' said I shortly.
' Ah ! — wasn't aware,' sighed the young gentleman,
stroking his moustache.
'The Secretary of Foreign Affairs acknowledged the
receipt of my statement, and at one time held out some
hope of redress.'
' Ah, indeed ! ' echoed the other.
' The state of our relations with Spain, however, added
I, 'not requiring a grievance just then, my case was
naturally shelved.'
He started, bit his lip, and evinced unmistakable signs
CON CREGAN 551
of being ill at ease. ' In fact,' resumed I, growing warmer
as I proceeded, ' no further notice was taken of me than
what barely sufficed to take my case out of the hands of
Opposition members. I was assumed to be an impostor,
because the moment was not favourable to believe me
honest. Good diplomacy, perhaps, but rather lax morality.
Now, sir, I have lost my cause — that is quite evident:
let us see if you have gained yours. The press is the
great indicator of individual wrongs, and I'll make
its columns the arena in which this struggle shall be
decided.'
'Be good enough to wait one instant — take a seat,
count,' observed the young gentleman, in his very politest
of tones, while he hastily retired into the inner room
once more. This time the conversation was so low that
not a whisper reached me. After a few seconds he
re-entered.
' Your case will be inquired into, count, and representa-
tion made to the Spanish minister at this court. May I
ask where you are staying here ? '
' I have not yet taken up my residence at Paris.'
' Your passport is of course with the police ? '
I bowed an assent, while a sudden thought flashed across
me. 'They mean to send me out of the country!' The
attache had twice said ' Good-morning ' ere I remarked it,
and with a hurried leave-taking I quitted the room, well
aware of the folly into which a momentary fit of passion
had betrayed me.
It was palpable enough — my passport would at once
offer a ground for my expulsion — I was an English sub-
ject, travelling on a Spanish passport. I must of course
expect to be disowned by the Spanish minister, and not
acknowledged by my own.
This was a sorry beginning, and I sauntered out into
the streets in a very depressed state of mind. What was
I to do? My funds were at a low ebb — I had not above
four hundred francs in the world. Into what career could
552 THE CONFESSIONS OF
I throw myself, and while obtaining a livelihood avoid
discovery ? I knew various things, in that smattering sort
of way which, by the aid of puffing and notoriety, often
succeed with the world; but yet notoriety was the very
thing I most dreaded! There was nothing for it but to
change my name. Many would doubtless say that this
was not any great sacrifice — need not have cost me any
very poignant sufferings ; but they would be wrong. I
had clung to my name through all the changes and
vicissitudes of my fortune, as though it embodied my
very identity. It was to make that humble name a great
one that I had toiled and struggled through my whole
life. In that obscure name lay the whole impulse of my
darings. Take that from me, and you took away the
energy that sustained me, and I sank down into the mere
adventurer, living on from day to day, and hour to hour,
without purpose or ambition. I had borne my name in
the very lowest passages of my fortune, hoping, one day
or other, to contrast these dark periods with the brilliant
hours of my destiny. And now I must abandon it ! ' Well,
be it so,' thought I ; ' and by way of compromise, I '11 keep
half of it, and call myself Monsieur Corneille ; and as to
nationality, there need be little difficulty. Whenever a
man talks indifferent Spanish, he says he is from the
Basque. If he speaks bad German, he calls himself an
Austrian; so, I, if there be any irregularities in my
regular verbs, will coolly assert that I am a brave
Beige, and a subject of King Leopold; and if humility
be a virtue, this choice of a native land ought to do me
credit.'
I raised my head from my musings at this moment,
and found myself at the corner of the Rue Goguenarde,
exactly opposite a house covered with placards and
announcements from the street to the third storey. A
great board with gilt letters over the entrance pro-
claiming it the 'Bureau des Affiches' for all nations.
Nor was the universality a mere pretence, as a single
CON CREGAN 553
glance could show the range of advertisements, taking
in everything, from an estate in Guadaloupe to a neat
chamber in the Marais; from a foundry at Lyons to
the sweeping of a passage in the Rue Rivoli. All the
nostrums of medicine — all the cheap appliances of the
toilet, remedies against corpulence, preventives to extreme
emaciation, how to grow hair, how to get rid of it,
governesses, ballet-dancers, even ladies 'with suitable
portions and great personal attractions,' were all at the
command of him rich enough to indulge his indolence.
'There must surely be something applicable to me in all
those varied wants,' thought I ; and I entered a great room
where several knots of men and women, of different ranks
and conditions, were gathered around large tablets of
advertisements.
Some were in search of lost articles of dress, or
jewellery, a run-away child, or a missing spaniel; some
inquiring for cheap apartments, or economical modes of
travel with others going the same road ; but the greater
number were in pursuit of some means of livelihood—
and what a host they were ! Professors of every art,
science, and language ; journalists, poets, tenors, gardeners,
governesses, missionaries, rope-dancers, frail little damsels
who performed as goddesses in a pantomime, and powerful
fellows who performed the ' life-models ' of academies, to-
gether with a number of well-dressed gentlemen of a
certain age, who announced themselves as ' discreet friends
to any party engaged in a delicate and difficult trans-
action.'
My heart sank within me as I saw the mass of capability
by which I was surrounded. ' What could the world want
with me,' thought I, 'in such a glut of acquirements as
I see here?' And I was about to turn away when my
attention was drawn to a very little elderly man, who
was most importunately entreating one of the clerks to
do him some service or other. The old man's eagerness
was actually painful to witness. 'I will sell it for a
554 THE CONFESSIONS OF
mere nothing,' said he, ' although it cost me five hundred
francs ! '
' You '11 be fortunate if you get one hundred for it,' said
the clerk.
'I would accept of even one hundred — nay, I'd take
eighty,' sighed the old man.
'So you ought,' said the other. 'These things are all
at a discount now; men like more active and energetic
situations. Retirement is not the taste of our day.'
'Retirement,' thought I; 'that may be exactly what
would suit me at this moment,' and I drew near to
listen.
'Find me a purchaser with seventy francs,' ejaculated
the old man, ' and 1 11 close with him.'
'What is it, monsieur?' said I, bowing civilly to
both.
'A quatorzieme sir,' said the clerk, interposing, that
he might earn his commission in the event of a deal — 'a
quatorzieme, and I am bound to say one of the best in
this quarter of Paris. It takes in the Rue de la Chuine,
the Place de la Boucherie, with a very large sweep of the
Boulevard Mont Parnasse.'
' A quatorzieme ! ' cried I, in amazement ; ' I never heard
of any one living so high up. Are there really houses in
Paris fourteen storeys high ? '
They both burst into a fit of laughter as I said this,
and it was some time ere the clerk could recover his
gravity sufficiently to reply ; at last he said, ' I perceive
that monsieur is a stranger to Paris and its ways, or he
would know that a quatorzieme is not an apartment
fourteen storeys high, but an individual who holds himself
always in readiness at the dining-hours of his neighbour-
hood, to make the fourteenth at any table, where, by
accident, the unlucky number of thirteen should be
assembled — a party which every well-informed person
would otherwise scruple to sit down with. This, sir,
is a quatorzieme ; and here is a gentleman desirous
CON CREGAN 555
of disposing of his interest in such an enviable
property.'
To my question as to what were the necessary qualifica-
tions, they both answered in a kind of duet, by volubly
recapitulating that nothing was needed but a suit of black
and clean gloves — unobtrusive demeanour, and a moderate
appetite, being the certain recommendations to a high
professional success. I saw the chief requirement well:
to eat little and to talk less, to come in with the soup
and go out with the salad, never to partake of an entree,
nor drink save the ordinaire — these were the duties ; the
reward was ten francs. ' It used to be a Napoleon, monsieur,'
said the old man, wiping his eyes. ' In the time of Charles
the Tenth it was always a Napoleon, but these canailles
nowadays have no reverence for anything. I have known
even the ministry dine thirteen on a Friday; to be sure,
the king was fired at two days afterwards for it — but
nothing can teach them.'
The old gentleman grew most communicative on the
subject of his 'walk,' which he was only abandoning in
consequence of the rheumatism, and the difficulty of
ascending to dinner-parties on a high elevation. He
depicted with enthusiasm the enjoyments of a pro-
fession that demanded, as he observed, so little previous
study, was removed from all the vicissitudes of commerce,
pleasant in practice, and remunerative in pay. He also
insinuated the possible advantages to a young and hand-
some man, who could scarcely fail to secure a good
marriage by observing a discreet and decorous demeanour ;
and, in fact, he represented his calling in such a light, as
at least to give me the liveliest curiosity to enter upon
it for a brief space, and while meditating what future
steps I should take in life.
That same afternoon I saw myself announced at the
porter's window of a very shabby-looking house in the
Rue de la Forge, as Monsieur de Corneille — the ' de ' being
advised by my predecessor. 'Quatorzieme pret a toute
556 THE CONFESSIONS OF
heure,' and thus opened my professional career. I was
told that it was all-important in my vocation that I
should not be seen much abroad in the world. There
should be a certain mysteriousness about me, when I
appeared at a dinner-table, that might permit the host to
speak of me — to strangers — as his old friend the Baron
de So-and-so, who rarely ventured out even to dine with
him. In fact, I should be as guarded against publicity
as though I were a royal personage. This was not a hard
condition at the time, since I was desirous of escaping
notice. I passed all my mornings, therefore, in writing —
sometimes memorials to a minister, sometimes state-
ments for the press; now, they were letters to the
banker at Guajuaqualla, or to Don Estaban, or to the
great firm at the Havannah. The cost of postage deterred
me from despatching most of them, but I continued to
write them as though to feed the cravings of my hope.
When evening drew nigh I abandoned the desk for the
toilet, and having arrayed myself in most austere black,
waited for the summons which should invite me to
some unknown feast. I have often perused records of
the early struggles of a professional life — the nervous
vacillations between hope and fear which haunt him day
after day, the fretful jealousies of the fortunate rival,
the sad depression over his own failures, the eager
watching lest the footfall on the stairs stop not at
his door, and the wearisome sinking of the heart as
the sounds die away in the distance, and leave him
to the silence of his own despair. If I had not to feel
the corroding regrets of him who has toiled long and
ardently for the attainment of a knowledge that now
lies 'a-rust' — unused, unasked for, unwanted — I had to
learn what are his tortures who waits until the world
call him.
There I sat in all my ' bravery.' What a contrast between
my sleek exterior and the half -famished creature within !
Sometimes my impatience would break out into a fit of
CON CREGAN 557
passion, in which I railed at the old knave who had en-
trapped me — at fortune that deserted me — at myself, who
had grown indolent and void of enterprise. Sometimes
I became almost stupid by long reflection, and would
sit to a late hour of the night, unconscious of everything ;
and sometimes I would actually laugh outright at the
absurdity of my assumed calling, wondering how I ever
could have been fool enough to embrace it.
The world had evidently grown out of its superstitions ;
republicanism and socialism, and all the other free-and-
easy notions by which men persuaded themselves that the
rich are thieves, and the poor the just inheritors of the
gains, had knocked down many a mock idol besides
monarchy. Men no longer threw a pinch of salt over
their left shoulder when they upset the saltcellar, nor
did they pierce their egg-shell lest the fairies might make
a boat of it ; and so, among many other remains of the
custom of our ancestors abandoned, they sat down to
dinner, careless whether the party were thirteen or
thirty.
' I might as well try and revive astrology,' thought I, ' as
seek to trade upon superstition in this unbelieving age !
I doubt if all Paris contains another quatorzibme than
myself ; the old villain knew the trade was ruined when
he sold me his " good-will " of the business.'
I was in the very deepest and darkest abyss of these
gloomy thoughts one evening, when a heavy down-pour
of rain, and the sorrowful moanings of a December wind,
added melancholy to my wearied spirit. It was such a
night that none would have ventured out who could have
claimed the humblest roof to shelter him. The streets
were perfectly deserted, and early as it was, the shops were
already closed for the night. The very lamps that swung
to and fro with the wind, looked hazy and dim amid the
sweeping rain, and the chains clanked with the dreary
cadence of a gibbet.
I knew it was needless to go through the ceremony of
558 THE CONFESSIONS OF
dressing on such a night. ' Better face all the imaginary
terrors of a thirteen party than brave the real danger of a
storm like this.' So I reasoned ; and, in all the freedom of
my tattered dressing-gown, I paced my room in a frame
of mind very little above despair. 'And this in Paris,'
cried I — ' this the city, where in some hundred gilded
saloons, at this very moment, are met men, brilliant in
all the gifts of genius, and women more beautiful and
more fascinating than the houris of Paradise. Wit and
polished raillery — bright glances and soft smiles, are now
mingling amid the glitter of stars, and crosses, and
diamonds; while some thousands, like me, are actually
famishing with hunger — too poor, even, to have a fire to
thaw the icicles of despair that are gathering around the
heart! '
Had it not been better for me if I had lived on in the
same humble condition to which I was born, than have
tasted of the fascinations of riches, to love and pine after
them for ever? No! to this I could not agree. There
were some moments of my glorious prosperity that well
repaid me for all I had, or all I could, suffer for them ; and
to whatever depth of evil destiny I might yet be reserved,
I should carry with me the delicious memory of my once
happiness. Con Cregan — the light-hearted — was himself
again ! Con — the vagrant — the passionate lover of what-
ever life offered of pleasure, of beauty, and of splendour —
who only needed a good cash-account with Coutts to make
his existence a fairy-tale. I forgot for a moment that
I lived in a mean chamber, with a broken window, a
fireless grate, a table that never was graced with a
meal ! a bed that resembled a board, and a chair which
required the dexterity of a juggler to sit upon without
smashing.
A sharp knocking at my door cut short these meditations,
and a voice at the same time cried out my name. ' Come
in,' said I authoritatively. I fancied it might be the land-
lord, and was not sorry to brave him — by the darkness.
CON CREGAN 559
The door opened, and a figure, which even in the gloom I
could perceive was that of a stranger, entered. ' Monsieur
de Corneille lives here ? ' said he.
' I have the humble honour to be that individual,' re-
sponded I.
'Have you got no light? I have smashed my shins
across a confounded chair,' said he querulously.
' You 're all safe now,' said I ; ' keep around by the wall,
but take care of the rat-trap near the corner.'
' Let 's have a light, mon cher,' said the other, half coax-
ingly.
' I never have a light,' said I ; 'I detest glare — hate
snuffing a candle, and can't endure the thought of patronis-
ing Russia and her tallow.'
' Couldn't we have a bit of fire, then ? ' asked he.
' Fire before Christmas ! ' exclaimed I ; ' are we in
Tobolsk? What Sybarite talks of fire in Paris at this
season ? '
'I really am ambitious of seeing you, monsieur,' said
the other : ' can we not compass this object without any
violence to your feelings ? '
' Have you a cigar-case ? ' said I.
'Yes.' "
' Well, strike a light ; and here 's a letter which you may
set fire to : you can thus make an inspection of me by
" inch of paper." '
He laughed pleasantly at the conceit, and lighted the
letter, by the aid of which, as he held it above his head, he
took a rapid survey of the chamber and its contents, my-
self being the chief movable it boasted.
' Of a truth, my friend,' said he, ' this apartment has
nothing superfluous about it.'
' Cool and airy,' said I calmly, ' with a magnificent view
of red-tiled roofs and chimney-pots.'
'And you — would it be an impertinence to ask if you
ever condescend to the restriction of anything more
limited than that very graceful dressing-gown ? '
560 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' Oh, certainly ! ' exclaimed I ; ' only be good enough to
say why you ask the question.' By this time the stranger's
torch had burned down so close to his fingers as to cause
an exclamation of pain as he threw it on the ground, and
thus were we once more in the dark.
'Not from mere motives of idle curiosity, monsieur,'
said he, ' did I ask ; but simply having come here to
request the pleasure of your company at dinner to-day,
I made the inquiry with a direct object. My name is Paul
de Minerale.'
' Not the distinguished writer — the inimitable novelist—
the delightful composer of the Curates Niece, The Path
through the Vineyard, The Rose of Auteuil?'
1 1 am much flattered,' said he, cutting short my
enumeration, 'to discover so ardent an admirer of my
poor productions; but, as time presses, will you be good
enough to hasten your toilet, for my "cottage" is near
Belleville, and will take us nigh an hour to reach it.'
I proceeded accordingly to array myself in cleaner
costume, while my visitor kept up an agreeable conver-
sation, chiefly bearing upon my line of life, the changeful
passages of which, he seemed to think, ought to offer much
amusement ; nor could he conceal his astonishment on
learning that he himself was my first and only client.
' What an age we live in ! ' cried he ; ' where is that
"ancient faith" departed? Can men so openly flout the
gods ? '
' Though my theology has been changed,' said I, ' that 's
all. The Bourse and the Ballet are the modern deities,
and he must be a rare sceptic who refuses to believe in
them.'
' You are a philosopher, I perceive,' said he.
' Only before dinner,' replied I. ' I am speculative with
the soup, and grave with my petit pdte; reserved with
the first entree ; blandly communicative after the piece de
resistance ; playful over the asparagus or the peas ; sooth-
ing with the roti ; and so descend into a soft and gentle
CON CREGAN 561
sadness as the dessert appears. I leave digestion to take
its course, waiting for my mocha and maraschino. In the
drawing-room I blaze forth in all the vividness of agree-
ability.'
'What could have induced one so evidently intended
for a foreground figure to prefer the humble and shadowy
part of a quatorzi&me ? ' said he in surprise.
'The r&s dura that crosses every man's destiny, and
a spice of that spirit of investigation which teaches one to
explore very unwholesome depths and very unrewarding
regions — a blending of that which made the Czar a
carpenter and Louis-Philippe a teacher of mathematics.'
'Ah! that reminds me,' interposed he, 'that I ought
to put you on your guard. To-day a Royal Prince will
honour us with his company. There are a couple of
ministers and a general. The rest of the party are of the
artiste class, whose susceptibilities you cannot wound ;
authors, actresses, journalists, and danseuses, however
touchy in the great world, are angels of good temper in
small societies.' With this he proceeded to give me a
nearer insight into the kind of company into which I was
to be introduced — a society, so far as I could learn, that
a rigid moralist might have deemed 'more fair than
honest.' I learned, too, that I owed the distinction of my
invitation to a wager between his Royal Highness the
Due de St. Cloud and my host, the bet being that De
Minerale was to find out a quatorzieme and bring him
to dinner, his search for one not to begin till after five
o'clock p.m. — the prince being fully convinced that no
regular practitioner in that walk any longer existed.
'Your presence, my dear sir,' continued he, 'is worth,
independent of the charm of your conversation, fifty
Napoleons ; one-half of which I must beg you to accept ' ;
saying which, he gracefully presented me with a purse,
whose pleasant weight descended into my palm with a
sensation indescribably soft and soothing.
All this time we were rattling along towards Belleville
562 THE CONFESSIONS OF
at a rapid pace ; and although the rain swept past in
torrents, the lightning flashed, and the wind tore the
strong trees from their roots, and strewed the ground
with their gigantic limbs, I sat in a reverie of sweet and
delightful fancies — the only alloy to my ecstasy being a
passing fear that at each moment shot through me — ' Can
this be real— am I awake ? or has long fasting so weakened
my faculties that this is but a delusion, and instead of
hastening to a dinner-party with a royal guest, I am
speeding onwards to a prison, or, mayhap, a mad-house.'
These fancies, at first but fitful and at intervals, became
at length so distressing that I was on the very point
of communicating them to my companion, and asking for
his counsel and comfort, when we drove into a small
avenue, and then almost immediately drew up in front of
a porch, where amid a blaze of light stood three or four
servants in gaudy liveries, awaiting our arrival.
' Well, Paul ! ' cried a young, fashionable-looking fellow,
with a very imposing black beard — ' what success ? '
' I 've won — here he is ! ' cried my companion. ' Have I
much time to spare ? '
' Something less than two minutes,' said the other, as
he coolly surveyed me through his glass. ' Present me,
Paul.'
1 Mons. Alphonse de Langeron — Mons. de Corneille.'
'The author of the Fancies by Star Light,' said I,
bowing with a most respectful devotion.
1 Guilty, sir ! and of fifty other indiscretions — to the full
as great,' said he, laughing.
1 Ah, sir, I know it by heart ; that stanza on the " Waled
Letty " haunts me like a dream.'
' Sharp fellow, our friend the quatorzieme ! ' whis-
pered Alphonse to Paul, as we walked along towards the
drawing-room.
How I should like to dwell upon the details of that
dinner, the most delightful entertainment of my whole
life ! It needed not the sudden transition from the dark
CON CREGAN 563
and dreary chamber I inhabited to the gilded saloon, all
in a blaze with wax-lights, to make me feel it such. The
' service ' was splendid — the cookery perfection — the wines
the rarest of every vintage — the apartment itself had all
the chastened J grandeur of a mediaeval chamber, with the
gorgeous splendour contributed by a magnificent beaufet
of silver. And the guests ! what beauty and fascination
of female loveliness — what charm of wit and agreeability
among the men ! The great damper upon my enjoyment
was my actual doubt of the reality of the whole scene. It
was not alone that all the splendour appeared so wonder-
ful — that the glitter of gold and the beauty of porcelain
dazzled the eye, but the very names of the illustrious
guests themselves suggested incredulity. What wonder
if I could not credit my senses, as I heard the first names
in all the genius of France, on every side of me. Here the
great historian and philosopher and statesman ; there,
the delightful lyric poet; yonder, the first novelist of
Europe ; and next to him the distinguished painter, whose
great battle-piece was in commemoration of the young
prince beside him, a hero of ' two-and-twenty.'
Nothing could be more easy or familiar than the tone
of conversation — that happy pleasantry that tickles but
never wounds, so unlike the English propensity for
' quizzing ' — that vulgar version of Gallic ' badinage ' ;
and then how eloquent, without pedantry — how sparkling
and how suggestive ! Ah, my kind reader, I see the
rippling smile over the broad Atlantic of your counten-
ance. You have guessed all the secret of my enthusiasm,
and you know the mystery of my admiration. Be it so : I
am ready to confess all. It was my own success that
made the chief enchantment of the scene. I was the lion
of the evening. Not a theme on which I did not hold
forth, not a subject I did not discuss — politics, bull-fighting,
cookery, dress, literature, duelling, the ballet, horseracing,
play, scandal, naval tactics, colonisation, cotton-spinning,
music, railroads, and the ' dry-rot.' I was profound, play-
564 THE CONFESSIONS OF
ful, serious, jocose, instructive, and amusing by turns.
Mdlle. de la Bourdonaye, the first actress of the
' Francois,' was charmed with my dramatic criticism ; the
poet enthusiastic at my recital of a stanza of his own ;
the general pronounced me the very best judge of cavalry
evolutions he had ever met ; the great painter begged the
favour of a visit from me at his studio ; and the prince's
aide-de-camp — himself a distinguished soldier — told me, in
a whisper, to hold myself disengaged for the following
Wednesday.
These were, after all, but the precursors of greater
triumphs in the drawing-room, where I played and sang
several Mexican ballads, danced the bolero with Mdlle.
Rose Jasmin of the Grand Opera, and lassoed a Mount
Saint Bernard mastiff with the bell-rope. After this, I
beat the statesman at chess; rolled up Indian cigarettes
for the ladies, whom I taught to sit squaw fashion ; told
various anecdotes of my prairie adventures; and wound
up all by concocting a bowl of punch a VAmericaine, at
once the astonishment and the delight of all. I must not
suffer myself to dwell longer on this theme, nor speak of
that supper, with its champagne and culembourgs, its
lyrics and its lobster salads, with ortolans, epigrams,
seductive smiles, and maraschino jelly. Enough. The
orgies — for it was no less — lasted till nigh morning, and
when we arose from table a pale streak of coming day was
struggling between the margins of the curtains.
'His Royal Highness will set you down, Monsieur de
Corneille,' said the aide-de-camp, advancing to me.
Blushing with pleasure and shame together, I accepted
what could not be declined, and proceeded to take leave
of my kind host and his friends. Cordial greetings and
flattering wishes soon to meet again met me on every side,
and I retired actually overwhelmed with civil attentions.
' Do we pass by your quarter, monsieur ? ' said his Royal
Highness, as I took my seat in the carriage.
I would have given all my worldly wealth, and expecta-
CON CREGAN 565
tions to boot, to be able to say that I lived in the Place
Vendome or the Rue Royale; but there was no help for
it ; the murder would out one day, since my host knew
my address ; and with an easy, unabashed air, I said that
I lodged in the Rue de la Forge, near the Mont St.
Parnasse.
The prince bowed, and took no notice of the announce-
ment; but I thought that I could read a very peculiar
twinkle in the eye of the aide-de-camp. I might have
easily been mistaken, however, for I felt myself on my
trial, and thought everything an accusation. How
gratuitously I tortured myself, subsequent knowledge of
life has repeatedly convinced me ; for while to some
upstart rich man the acknowledgment of my humble
abode would have been a shock sufficient to sever us for
ever, to the prince the matter had no other significance
than that it suited my means, with which, whether ample
or the reverse, he had no right to meddle. Indeed, I was
not sorry to remain in doubt upon the fact, since, in the
difficult negotiation between the aide-de-camp and the
coachman, who had never so much as heard of my un-
happy street, his Royal Highness never evinced any
surprise whatever, but sat patiently to the end of the
discussion, without vouchsafing even a word upon the
subject.
'This must be the house, number 21,748,' said the
chasseur at length ; and we drew up at the well-known
door, where the old porter sat reading on one side, while
his wife was peeling carrots at the other.
It was the first moment of confusion I suffered since I
had left the same spot, but my cheek was in a flame as
the lackey let down the steps and offered me his arm to
descend. The lowly veneration of the old porter, as he
stared at the royal liveries and the emblazoned panels of
the carriage, was but a sorry compensation for the mock
servility of the chasseur, whose eyes seemed to look
through into my very heart, so that I actually did not
13 2o
566 THE CONFESSIONS OF
hear the parting words of the prince as the equipage
drove away.
Curious anomaly ! the half-insolent glances of the
lackeys sank deeper into my spirit than the nattering
smile of the prince's adieu. How much more alive is our
nature to the pang of scorn than to the balm of kindness.
These were my reflections as I entered my humble
chamber, every portion of which seemed doubly miser-
able to me now. ' Is it possible,' thought I, ' that I have
endured this hitherto ? have I really sat in that crazy old
chair, and stretched my limbs upon that wretched pallet ?
Can it be real? or which is the delusion — my recent
splendour or my present squalor ? ' Although up all night,
I was far too much excited for sleep, even could I have
persuaded myself to seek it on so humble a couch. I
therefore set myself to think over the future, and wonder
whether the brilliant scene in which I had so lately mixed
would remain in its isolated brightness amid the desolation
of my life, or be the guide-star to future greatness and
distinction. My late success emboldened me to think that
Fortune had not yet deserted me. ' Who knows,' thought
I, 'but the Spaniards may behave handsomely yet, and
make restitution of my property ; or what if the Mexican
banker should be a true man, and acknowledge my claim
upon him ? ' ' If I could but enlist the prince in my cause,'
thought I again, ' how certain should I be of the issue !
French influence always was powerful in Spain. Napoleon
used to say, " There were no Pyrenees " ; I should be
content if there were only a good road over them to
convey the despatches that might assert my just right.'
A quick step upon the stairs at that instant caught
my ear; few ever ascended so high up as my storey, so
I listened, and almost at once my door was thrown open
and my host of the preceding evening rushed into the
room. Having shaken hands with me cordially, he said,
' Corneille, mon ami ! I have made another wager about
you ; and although the sum is a trifling one, I am curious
CON CREGAN 567
to ascertain if I am the winner. Jules de Montserrat, and
Emile de Gency, and myself, had a dispute last night
about your nationality, which ended in a bet. I am bound
in honour not to tell you what our several opinions and
guesses were, but still at liberty to ask you, what is your
native country ?
'I am an Irishman, and derive my name from the
ancient family of Cregan. Cornelius is but my Christian
name, which I assumed to cover the disgrace of my altered
fortune.'
' As to our wager, then, we were all in error — none of
us guessed Ireland. As to your being a man of birth and
station, I need scarcely say, we were all agreed.'
' Would it were otherwise,' said I, with a deep sigh ;
' a humble position might be endured well enough, if un-
alloyed by the regrets of a condition forfeited for ever. If
you are curious to hear a very unhappy story I am willing
to relate it.'
' You couldn't do me a greater favour,' said he, seating
himself like one eager to listen.
'First, then, we'll have some breakfast,' said I; 'and
then, with a good fire and no fear of interruption — for I
have not one acquaintance in Paris — you shall hear my
history from beginning to end.'
Chocolate and cutlets, champagne and devilled kidneys,
brioches, sardines, and coffee, made their appearance as
rapidly as though such delicacies were in the habit of
daily mounting these steep stairs ; and a cheerful blaze
glowed once more in a grate where the oldest inhabitant
had never beheld a fire.
These preparations being made, we began our meal,
and I opened my narrative. The reader must not feel
offended with me if I ventured to draw upon my ima-
gination for the earlier facts of my history. Nature
had not been generous to me in the article of a father ;
what great harm if I invented one for myself ? Fortune
had placed my birth beneath the thatched roof of an Irish
568 THE CONFESSIONS OF
cabin; was it not generous of me to call it the ancient
baronial seat of the Cregans? She started me poor and
in rags ; I was above repining, and called myself rich and
well-nurtured; but why weary my reader with such a
recital. If it was necessary to raise the foundation on
fiction, the after events of my career I was satisfied to
state pretty nearly as they happened, merely altering
the reasons for my journey to the New World, which I
ascribed to my search after a great inheritance belonging
to my family, who were originally from Andalusia, and
grandees of Spain.
' And this of course you failed in,' said my friend, who
rather felt this portion of my story less interesting than
certain other and more stirring passages.
' On the contrary,' said I, ' I succeeded perfectly. I not
only discovered the banker in whose hands my family
wealth was deposited, but established my claim most
satisfactorily, and received a very large sum in gold, with
bills to a high amount on various mercantile houses,
besides leaving in his hands an important balance, for
which I had no immediate necessity.' After a slight
sketch of my Mexican progress — very little embellished
or exaggerated — I narrated my voyage to Europe and
my capture at Malaga exactly as they occurred, circum-
stantially recording every detail of name and date I could
remember down to the very moment of my reaching Paris.
'One question more, my dear friend,' said M. Paul,
after some fifty very searching interrogatories as closely
argued as the cross-examination of a counsel at law.
' One question more, and I have done ; I know you 11 not
be offended at the liberty I am about to take — nay, I feel
you'll be even gratified with my candour. Tell me
frankly, as between man and man, is there one word of
truth in all this, or is it not downright moonshine — sheer
invention from beginning to end ? '
I started to my legs, my face crimson with anger, but
as suddenly recovering myself, said, ' You were right, sir,
CON CREGAN 569
to bespeak a degree of command over my feelings before
you ventured upon this freedom, which if I cannot alto-
gether pardon, yet I will not resent.'
* So it is true, then,' said he, with a degree of melancholy
in his voice I could not fathom.
■ Of course it is,' rejoined I.
'Sorry to hear it — deeply, sincerely sorry, that's all,'
replied he in the self -same manner; 'I cannot express to
you one-half of my disappointment.'
' Sorrow ! disappointment ! ' exclaimed I. ' May I ask
what possible interest you could have in supposing me to
be an impostor and a cheat ? '
'Hard names these,' said he, laughing; 'but I will
explain myself: if the story that you have just told me
were fiction, I could give you three hundred francs a day
to write feuilletons for the Debats. If one-half of it were
even invention, you 'd be worth two hundred on the Steele
or the Presse ; say you stole the material, and you 'd still
do admirably for the Mode.
'Are you — so conversant with a hundred thousand
things — ignorant that the grand principle of division of
labour has extended itself from the common arts of
manufacture to the operations of genius ; and that, now-
adays, no man would think of composing an entire work
himself, any more than he would of turning mason,
carpenter, slater, locksmith, and glazier, were he about to
build a house. On the contrary, having fixed upon the
site, and determined the proportions of his future edifice,
he surrounds himself with competent and skilful hands in
all the several walks of constructiveness, reserving to
himself that supervision and direction which could not be
practicable were he engaged in actual labour ; thus is he a
master-builder in fiction — selecting his artificers, storing
his materials, apportioning the quantity, keenly watch-
ing the variations in public taste, and producing at last a
mass and variety that no one brain, however fertile and
assiduous, could be capable of. This,' said he, drawing
570 THE CONFESSIONS OF
himself up proudly, ' this is my walk. By the aid of this
discovery — for it is mine, and mine only — I am enabled to
draw tears in the Debats and convulse with laughter in
the Constitutionnel ; and while writing of the torrid zone
in one journal, I have an Icelander as my hero in another.
Men stare at the range of my knowledge of life under
aspects so various and discordant; and well may they
wonder, were I to draw upon my own unassisted faculties.
But it is men like you, Cregan, I want: shrewd, sharp,
ready-witted dogs, quick to remark, and quicker to report.
What say you, then — will you join my corps in the fiction-
foundry over which I preside ? '
1 Were I but capable— — '
' You are eminently so. We need no literary ability —
no craft of authorship — no more than the child who picks
the wool in the factory is called on to direct the loom that
weaves it into cloth. Let me finish the article ; I '11 give it
the gloss for sale ! What say you ? — five thousand francs
a year, free admission to every theatre in Paris, and a
dinner at " Le Trou aux Bois " — where you dined yester-
day — every Sunday ? '
1 A bargain,' cried I, in ecstasy.
'Concluded by both parties, who thus acknowledge
their hand and seal,' cried he, tossing off a glass of
champagne ; and then rising from the table he prepared to
take his leave. ' I conclude,' said he, ' that you '11 not
continue your residence here much longer. Seek out some
quarter less near to heaven, and more accessible to poor
human nature.'
I promised to follow the advice, and we separated — he
to repair to his haunts — the cafes, the editorial snuggeries,
and other gossip shops of Paris — and I to seek out a more
congenial abode, and one more befitting the favourable
turn which Fate had now imparted to my fortune.
The afternoon of that same day saw me installed in a
pleasant little apartment overlooking the garden of the
Luxembourg, and where, from a little terrace, I could
CON CREGAN 571
inhale the odour of the orange blossoms, and see the
children at play, amid the plashing of fountains and
the waving of the tall grass. It was, as I discovered, the
quarter of the whole artiste class — poets, painters, actors,
sculptors, feuilletonists, and caricaturists ; nor was it
difficult to ascertain the fact, as a certain extravagance of
beard, various modifications of hat, and peculiarly cut
coats and trousers, presented themselves at every moment.
Resolving to don 'the livery of my race,' I made my
appearance in a suit of coffee-brown, hat and russet boots
to match; as for beard, a life of seclusion for several
weeks had only left me the task of retrenchment ; and the
barber, whose services I invoked, had but to ask my career
to impress me with that artiste stamp, that makes every
full-faced man a mock ' Holbein,' and every thin one a bad
Van Dyck.
'The novelists wear it straight across, and square
below the chin, sir,' said he. ' This is a plate of Monsieur
Eugene Sue ; but there is a certain dash of energy about
Monsieur's eyes — a kind of beaute insolente, if I may
be pardoned the phrase, that would warrant the beard to
be pointed. May I venture to trim Monsieur as Salvator
Rosa?'
'Use your own discretion, Monsieur Palmyre,' said I;
' the responsibility is great, and I will not clog it by even a
suggestion.'
To say that I could not have known myself on arising
from his hands is no exaggeration, so perfectly changed
had my features become in their expression. As a
disguise it was perfect, and this alone was no small
recommendation.
As I "walked the alleys of the Luxembourg, where at
every instant men travestied like myself came and went,
I could not help recalling the classical assertion, that
' no two augurs could meet face to face without laugh-
ing,' and I wondered excessively how we artistes surveyed
each other and preserved even a decent gravity.
572 THE CONFESSIONS OF
My career as a litterateur began the next day, and
I received a short editorial summons from the office of
La TempSte to furnish a feuilleton of a hundred and
twenty-four lines, the postscript adding, that as Admiral
Du Guesclin had just arrived from Macao, some esquisses
des moeurs chinoises would be well timed. Of China I
only knew what a lacquered tea-tray and the willow
pattern could teach me ; but I set to work at once, and by
assuming my sketches to be personal adventures and
experiences, made up a most imposing account of Chinese
domesticity.
The article had an immense success ; the air of veracity
was perfect; and the very officers of the fleet were so
deluded by the imposition as to believe they must have
frequently met me at Shang-kee-shing or Fong-wong-loo.
Thus was I launched into a career, of all things the
most amusing, the most exciting, and I must also add, the
most dissipated. Living apart from all mankind in a
little circle of our own, where we only recognised the
world as we ourselves were pleased to paint it, our whole
lives were one long scoff and sneer at everybody and
everything. Friendship meant the habit of meeting at
dinner ; the highest nobility of soul was his who paid the
reckoning.
If there was little actual happiness among us, there
was certainly no care nor any touch of sorrow. A great
picture condemned, a poem cut to pieces, a play hissed off,
only suggested a souper de consolation, when the unlucky
author would be the first to cut jokes upon his own
failure, and ridicule the offspring of his own brains. Who
could look for sympathy where men had no feeling for
themselves! Even thieves, the proverb tells us, observe
'honour' with each other; but we were worse than
thieves, since we actually lived and grew fat upon each
other's mishaps. If one exhibited a statue at the Louvre,
another was sure to caricature it for the Passage de
l'Opera. If one brought out a grand drama at the
CON CREGAN 573
Francais, a burlesque was certain to follow it at the
Palais Royale. Every little trait that near intercourse
and familiarity discloses, every weakness that is laid
bare in the freedom of friendly association, were made
venal, and worth so much a line for Le Voleur or L'Esjpion.
As to any sulking, or dreaming of resenting these
infractions, he might as well try to repress the free-and-
easy habits of a midshipman's berth. They were the
' masonry of the craft,' which each tacitly subscribed to
when he entered it.
All intercourse was completely gladiatorial, not for
display, but for defence. Everlasting badinage on every
subject and on everybody was the order of each day ; and
as success was to the full as much quizzed as failure, any
exhibition of vanity or self-gratulation met a heavy
retribution. Woe unto him whose romance went through
three editions in a fortnight, or whom the audience called
for at the conclusion of his drama !
As for the fairer portion of our guild, being for the
most part ostracised in general society, they bore a
grudge against their sex, and affected a thousand airs
of mannishness. Some always dressed in male attire ;
many sported little moustaches and chin-tufts, rode man-
fashion in the Bois de Boulogne, fought duels, and all
smoked. Like other converts, they went farther in their
faith than the old believers, and talked Communism,
Socialism, and Saint Simonianism, with a freedom that
rose high above all the little prejudices ordinary life
fosters.
If great crimes, such as shock the world by their
enormity, were quite unknown among us, all the vices,
practicable within the Law and the Code Napoleon, were
widely popular ; and the worst of it all was, none seemed
to have the remotest conception that he was not the
beau-ideal of morality. The simple fact was, we assumed
a very low standard of right, and chose to walk even
under that.
574 THE CONFESSIONS OF
With Paris, and all its varied forms of life, I soon
became perfectly familiar; not merely that city which
occupies the Faubourg St. Honore or St. Germain — not
the Paris of the Boulevards or the Palais Royale only, but
with Quartier St. Denis, the Batignolles, the Cite, and the
Pays Latin. I knew every dialect, from the slang of
fashion to the conventional language of its lowest
populace. I heard every rumour, from the cabinet of the
Minister down to the latest gossip of the ' Coulisses ' ; what
the world said and thought, in each of its varying and
dissimilar sections ; how each political move was judged ;
what was the public feeling for this or that measure;
how the 'many-headed' were satisfied or dissatisfied,
whether with the measures of the Ministry or the legs
of the new danseuse ; and thus I became the very per-
fection of a feuilletonist. There is but one secret in this
species of literature — the ever- watchful observation of
the public ; and when it is considered that this is a
Parisian public, the task is not so easy as some would
deem it. This watchfulness, and a certain hardihood that
never shrinks from any theme, however sacred to the
conventional reserves of the general world, are all the
requisites.
I have said it was a most amusing life ; and if eternal
excitement — if the onward rush of new emotions, the
never-ceasing flow of stimulating thoughts, could have
sufficed for happiness, I might have been, and ought to
have been, contented. Still the whole was unreal. Not
only was the world we had made for ourselves unreal,
but all our judgments, all our speculations, our hopes,
fears, anticipations, our very likings and dislikings! our
antipathies were mock ; and what we denounced with all
the pretended seriousness of heartfelt conviction in one
journal, we not unfrequently pronounced to be a heaven-
sent blessing in another. Bravos of the pen — we had no
other principle than our pay, and were utterly indifferent
at whom we struck, even though the blow should prove
CON CREGAN 575
fatal. That we should become sceptical on every subject ;
that we should cease to bestow credence on anything,
believing that all around was false, hypocritical, and
unreal as ourselves, was natural enough ; but this frame
of mind bears its own weighty retribution, and not even
the miserable victim of superstitious fear dreads solitude
like him whose mind demands the constant stimulant of
intercourse, the torrent of new ideas, that whirls him
along, unreflecting and unthinking.
It will be easily seen that all my narrative of myself
met but little faith in such company. They unhesitatingly
rejected the whole story of my wealth ; and my future
restoration to rank and riches used to be employed as a
kind of synonym for the Greek kalends. The worst of all
this was, their disbelief infected even me, and I gradually
began to look upon myself as an impostor. My hope — the
guide-star that cheered me in many a dark and gloomy
period — began to wane, and I felt that ere long all those
aspirations which had spirited me on in life would lie cold
and dead within me, and that my horizon would extend no
farther than where each daily sun sank to rest. To show
any discontent with my walk ; to evince, in the slightest
degree, any misgivings that we of 'La petite Presse' did
not give laws to taste, morals, jurisprudence, and legisla-
tion, would have been high-treason. To imply a doubt
that we held in our hands, not alone the destinies of Paris,
but of Europe — of all civilisation — would have been a rank
and outrageous heresy. Like the priest, the journalist
can never unfrock himself. The mark of the ink, more
tenacious than the blood on Lady Macbeth's fingers, will
' never out.' What, then, could I do ? for, wearied of my
calling, I yearned for a little truth — for a new glimpse of
reality, however short and fleeting.
Full of these thoughts, I repaired one morning to the
' Trou aux Bois,' where fortunately I found my friend Paul
alone ; at least, except three secretaries, to whom he was
dictating by turns, he had no one with him ! ' Wait till I
576 THE CONFESSIONS OF
have finished this " Attack of Wolves on a Caravan," ' said
he, ' and the " Death of Jules de Tavanne by Poison," and
I 'm your man ; meanwhile step into my study — there are
masses of newspapers and letters, which you can read
freely.'
He did not detain me long ; apparently the wolves were
weak, and soon beaten off, and the poison was strong, and
soon did its work, for he joined me in less than half an
hour.
My explanation was listened to patiently, and what sur-
prised me more, without astonishment. He saw nothing
exaggerated or high-flown in the difficulties I started, and
even went the length of confessing that many of my
objections had occurred to his own mind. ' But then,' said
he, 'what is to be done? If you turn soldier, are you
always certain that you will concur in the justice of the
cause for which you fight ? Become a lawyer, and is not
half your life passed in arraigning the right and defend-
ing the wrong? Try medicine, and where will be your
"practice" if you only prescribe for the really afflicted,
and do not indulge the caprices and foster the complain-
ings of the malade imaginaire? As an apothecary, you
would vend poisons ; as an architect, you would devise
gaols and penitentiaries ; and so to the end of the chapter.
Optimism is just as impracticable as it is dangerous.
Accept the world as you find it, not because it is the best,
but because it is the only policy ; and, above all, be slow in
changing a career where you have met with success. The
best proof that it suits you is, that the public think so.'
Being determined on my course, I now affected a desire
to see life in some other form, and observe mankind under
some other aspect. To this he assented freely ; and after
a few moments' discussion, suddenly bethought him of a
letter he had received that very morning. ' You remember
the Due de St. Cloud, whom you met at dinner the first
day you spent here ? '
4 Perfectly.'
CON CREGAN 577
' Well, he was, as you are aware, ordered off to Africa,
to take a high military command, a few days after, and
has not since returned to France. This day I have
received a letter from him, asking me to recommend
some one among my literary acquaintances to fill the
office of his private secretary. You are exactly the man
for the appointment. The duties are light, the pay
liberal, the position agreeable in every way ; and, in fact,
for one who desires to see something of the world, which
the Boulevard du Gent and the Cafe de Paris cannot
show him, the opportunity is first-rate.'
The proposal overjoyed me; had I been called on to
invent a post for myself, this was exactly the thing I
should have fancied. A campaign against the Arabs —
the novelty of country, people, and events — a life of
adventure, with a prince for my companion — these were
the very crowning desires of my ambition.
' I '11 write about it this very day ; there will be a mail
for Algiers made up this evening, and not a moment shall
be lost in making the application.'
I could not express one-half my gratitude for this
opportune kindness ; and when I again turned my steps
toward Paris, my heart had regained the buoyant elasticity
which had so often lifted me above all the troubled waves
of life.
moi et mon prince
—Jules Janin.
N less than a fortnight after the interview
I have just recorded I received a letter from De Minerale,
inclosing another addressed to himself, and whose royal
seal at once proclaimed the writer. De Minerale's was
only a few lines, thus : —
' Dear C, — I forward you the duke's reply to my
note, by which you will see that we have been in time,
and fortunate enough to secure your appointment. Lose
not a moment in fulfilling the instructions contained in
it, and dine with me to-day at the "Freres," at seven.
—Yours, P. de M.'
The duke's epistle, almost equally brief, was to the
effect : —
' Headquarters, Oran.
'My dear De Minerale, — Of course I remember
perfectly our friend the quatorzihme, whose lucubrations
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 579
in the journals I have since been much amused with.
In some respects he would suit me well, being a fellow
of high animal spirits, great readiness, and, if I mistake
not, well fitted for the rough usage of a campaign. But,
it strikes me, that if his position be such as you represent
it, the exchange would be anything but profitable. This
is a land of few pleasures and no luxuries. Tell him that
we never see truffles, that champagne is only a tradition,
and, except Moorish damsels, who never show us more
of their faces than a pair of eyes — darting fire and anger
— we have no beauties. Yet, if, despite all these drawbacks,
he be still willing to tempt his fortune, and trust to "a
razzia " for the rest, let him call on Count du Vergnoble,
at the " Ministere de la Guerre," where he will find every-
thing in readiness for his appointment.
' Should he desire it, he can also receive his commission
in my own regiment, the 13th Chasseurs a cheval ; and as
he will not be called on for duty, he might as well accept
an appointment that will at least give him forage for his
horses and some other advantages.
' Send me all the new things that are out, and tell me
what you and Alphonse are doing. Mes amites to our
fair friend in the Rue Ponchaule, and the like — in-
discriminately — to all the others. — Yours affectionately,
H. de St. C.
' You call him " Le Comte de Creganne," and so I have
written it for the Minister — is this right ? '
I read and re-read the letter till I knew every sentence
of it by heart ; and then, dressing myself with a degree
of care the importance of the occasion suggested, I
drove off for the Minister's office. It was not the hour
of his usual reception ; but on sending in my name,
which I did as Le Comte de Creganne, I was at once
admitted.
His Excellency was all smiles and affability, praised his
580 THE CONFESSIONS OP
Royal Highness's selection of a name so greatly honoured
in literature, and paid me many flattering compliments on
my writings, which, by the way, he confounded with those
of half-a-dozen others; and then, after a variety of civil
speeches, gently diverged into a modest inquiry as to my
native country, rank, and fortune. 'We live in days,
mon cher comte,' said he, laughing, ' in which high capacity
and talent happily take precedence of mere lineage ; but
still, an illustrious personage has always insisted upon the
necessity of those immediately about the person of the
princes being of noble families. I am quite aware that
you can fulfil every condition of the kind, and only desire
such information as may satisfy his Majesty.'
I replied by relating the capture of my property at
Malaga, which, among other things, contained all the
title-deeds of my estates, and the patent of my nobility.
'These alone,' said I, producing the banker's letters
addressed to me as Conde de Cregano, 'are all that
remain to me now to remind me of my former standing ;
and although, as born a British subject, I might at once
apply to my Minister to substantiate my claims, the
unhappy events of Ireland, which enlisted my family in
the ranks of her patriots, have made us exiles — proscribed
exiles for ever.'
This explanation went further than my previous one.
The old French antipathy to England found sympathy for
Irish rebellion at once ; and after a very brief discussion,
my appointment was filled up, and I was named Private
Secretary to the Due de St. Cloud, and Lieutenant in the
13th Regiment of Chasseurs a cheval.
A new career had now opened before me, and it was
one of all others the most to my choice. The war in Africa
had become by that time a kind of crusade; it was the
only field where Frenchmen could win fame and honour
in arms, and the military fever of the nation was at its
height. Into this enthusiasm I threw myself ardently;
nor did it need the stimulation derived from a new and
CON CREGAN 581
most becoming uniform to make me fancy myself a very
Bayard in chivalry.
A truly busy week was spent by me in preparations
for departure, as I had to be presented at a private
audience of the Court, to wait upon various high official
personages, to receive instructions on many points, and
lastly, to preside at a parting dinner, which I was to
give to my literary brethren before retiring from the
guild for ever.
Last dinners and leave-takings are generally sad affairs ;
this of mine was, however, an exception. It was a perfect
orgy of wild and enthusiastic gaiety. All the beauty
which the theatres and the ' artiste ' class generally could
boast was united with the brilliancy and convivial ex-
cellence of the cleverest men in Paris — the professional
sayers of smart things — the ready-witted ones, whose
epigrams were sufficient to smash a cabinet, or laugh
down a new treaty; and all in high spirits, since what
promoted me, also left a vacancy in the corps, that gave
many others a step in the ranks of letters.
What speeches were made in my honour — what toasts,
prefaced by all the exaggeration of praise that would
have been fulsome, save for the lurking diablerie of fun
that every now and then burst forth in the midst of
them! And then there were odes, and sonnets, and
songs, in which my future achievements were pictured
in a vein half flattering, half satirical — that peculiar
eau sucrie, with a squeeze of lemon, that only a French-
man knows how to concoct.
During one of my most triumphant moments, when
two of the very prettiest of actresses of the 'Odeon'
were placing a laurel crown upon my brow, a cabinet-
messenger was announced, and presented me with an
order to repair at once to the Tuileries with my official
letter of appointment, as his Majesty, by some accident,
had forgotten to append to it his signature. Apologising
to my worthy friends for a brief absence, which they
13 2p
582 THE CONFESSIONS OF
assured me should be devoted to expatiating on those
virtues of my character which my presence interdicted
them from enlarging upon, I arose and left the room.
It was necessary to arrange the disorder of my dress
and appearance, and I made a hurried dressing, bathing
my temples in cold water, and composing myself, so far
as might be, into a condition fit to meet the eyes of
royalty — two of my friends accompanying me the while,
and lending their assistance to my toilet. They at length
pronounced me perfect, and I drove off.
Although already past midnight, the king, with several
members of the royal family, were seated at tea — two
of the Ministers, a few general officers, and a foreign
ambassador, being of the party.
Into this circle, in which there was nothing to inspire
awe, save the actual rank of the illustrious personages
themselves, I "was now introduced by the Minister of War.
'Le Comte de Creganne, please your Majesty,' said he,
twice, ere the king heard him.
' Ah ! very true,' said the king, turning round, and, with
a smile of most cordial expression, adding, ' My dear count,
it seems I had forgotten to sign your appointment — a
mistake that might have caused you some inconvenience
and delay at Algiers. Pray let me amend this piece of
forgetfulness.'
I bowed respectfully, and deposited before him the
great square envelope, with the huge official seal annexed,
that contained my nomination.
'The Princess de Verneuil will be happy to give you
some tea, count,' said the king, motioning me to sit down ;
and I obeyed, while my heart, beating violently at my side,
almost overpowered me with emotion. Only to think of
it ! — the son of an Irish peasant seated at the family tea-
table of a great sovereign, and the princess herself, the
daughter of a king, pouring out his tea !
If nothing short of the most consummate effrontery
can maintain a cool, unaffected indifference in presence of
CON CREGAN 583
royalty, there is another frame of mind indicative of ease
and self-possession, perfectly compatible with a kingly
presence ; and this is altogether dependent on the manner
and tone of the sovereign himself. The king — I have
heard it was his usual manner — was as free from any
assumption of superiority as would be any private gentle-
man under his own roof ; his conversation was maintained
in a tone of perfect familiarity with all around him, and
even when differing in opinion with any one, there was a
degree of almost deference in the way he insinuated his
own views.
On this occasion he directed nearly all his attention to
myself, and made Ireland the subject, asking a vast
variety of questions, chiefly regarding the condition of
the peasantry, their modes of life, habits of thinking,
education, and future prospects. I saw that my state-
ments were all new to him, that he was not prepared for
much that I told him, and he very soon avowed it by
saying, 'These, I must own, are not the opinions I have
usually heard from your countrymen, count; but I con-
clude that the opportunities of travel, and the liberalism of
thought which intercourse with foreign countries begets,
may lead you to take views not quite in accordance with
mere stay-at-home politicians.' I could have given him
another and more accurate explanation of the difference.
It was the first and only time that his Majesty had con-
versed with the son of a peasant — one, himself born and
bred beneath the thatch of a cabin, and who had felt
the very emotions which others merely draw from their
imaginations. As it grew late, his Majesty arose, and the
Ministers one by one retired, leaving me the only stranger
present. ' Now, count, I must not detain you longer ; you
leave Paris early to-morrow morning, and I should have
remembered how large a portion of your night I have
monopolised. This paper — where is it ? '
I at once took up the envelope and drew forth a
document ; but conceive my horror when I discerned that
584 THE CONFESSIONS OF
it was a piece of verse — a droll song upon my new dignity,
that one of my villainous companions had stuffed into the
envelope in place of my official letter of appointment.
Crushing it in my hand, I pulled out another — worse
again ! It was the bill of fare of our dinner at Very's,
where 'entrees' and 'hors-d'ceuvres, salmis, and mace-
doines,' figured in imposing array. One document still
remained, and I drew it out; but, as his Majesty's eyes
were this time bent upon me, I had not a moment to see
what might be its contents ; indeed I half suspected the
king saw my indecision, and, determining to put a bold
face on the matter, I doubled down a blank piece of the
paper and placed it for his Majesty. Apparently his
thoughts were wandering in some other direction, for he
took up the pen abstractedly, and wrote the words,
'Approved by us,' with his name, in a routine sort of
way, that showed he gave no attention to the act what-
ever.
It was all I could do to avoid any indecent show of
haste in inclosing the paper within the envelope, my hand
trembled so that I could scarcely accomplish it. When I
had replaced it in my pocket, I felt like a drowning man
at the moment he touches land.
The king dismissed me with many flattering speeches,
and I returned to Very's, where my friends were still at
table. Resolved not to gratify the triumph of their malice,
I affected to have discovered the trick in time to remedy
it, and to replace my appointment in its inclosure. Of
course the possibility of what might have occurred gave
rise to many a droll fancy and absurd conceit, and I
plainly saw how very little compunction there would
have been for my disaster if a ludicrous scene had ensued
between the king and myself.
We separated now with all the testimonies of sincere
affection ; some of my fair friends even wept, and our
parting had all the parade, and about the same amount
of sincerity, as a scene in a drama. Paul alone showed
CON CREGAN 585
any real feeling; he liked me probably because he had
served me — a stronger bond of affection than many people
are aware of. ' Tell me one thing, Creganne,' cried he, as
he shook my hand for the last time : ' we are, perhaps,
never to meet again — life has so many vicissitudes — tell
me frankly, then, if your Mexican history, your riches,
and gems, and gold, your diamonds, your rubies, your
doubloons, and your moidores, are not all a humbug,
together with your imprisonment in Malaga, and all its
consequences ? '
' True, every word of it,' said I impressively.
' Come, come, now your secret is safe with me. Be open
and above-board ; say honestly that the whole was a " get
up." I promise you fairly that, if you do, I '11 have a higher
value for your talents at an episode than I now place
upon your lost wealth and your countship to boot.'
1 1 'm sorry for it,' replied I. ' There are few men whose
esteem I set more store by. If I could oblige you by
becoming a cheat, my regard for you might possibly over-
master my better judgment; but, unhappily, I am what
I represent myself, and what I trust one day yet to con-
vince you.' With this we parted. As the diligence drove
away, I could see Paul still standing in the same place,
evidently unable to resolve the difficult problem of my
veraciousness.
And now I am approaching a chapter of my history
whose adventures and chances are alone a story in them-
selves. The varied fortunes of a campaign in a strange
land, with strange enemies, new scenes and climate, of
course were not without incidents to diversify and interest
them ; and although I could probably select more passages
of curious adventure from this than from any other
portion of my life, I am forced to pass by all in silence;
and for these reasons : first, the narrative would lead me
to a greater length than I have any right to presume
upon in this history, or to believe that my reader would
be a willing party to ; and, secondly, the recital would
586 THE CONFESSIONS OF
entail the acquaintance with a vast variety of characters,
not one of whom ever again occurred to me in life, and of
whom, when I quitted Africa, their very names never
were heard by me more. And here I may be pardoned
for saying that I have been sadly constrained in these my
Confessions to avoid, upon the one hand, any mention of
those persons who merely exercised a passing influence
on my fortunes, and yet to show by what agencies of
personal acquaintanceship my character became formed
and moulded. In a novel, the world would seem to
consist of only the very characters introduced, or rather,
the characters serve as abstractions to represent certain
qualities and passions of mankind ; but in real life is this
the case? Nay, is it not precisely the reverse? Do not
the chance intimacies we form in the steamboat, or the
diligence, very frequently leave deep and lasting impres-
sions behind them? Are not phrases remembered, and
words treasured up as axioms, that we have heard
passingly from those we are never to see again ? Of
how many of our strongest convictions the origin was
mere accident — ideas dropped, like those seeds of distant
plants that are borne for thousands of miles upon the
wind, and let fall in some far-away land to take root
and fructify! And are these the agencies to be omitted
when a man would give a ' confession ' to the world ?
Why are the letters of an individual his best biography,
save as recording his judgment upon passing events or
people, with whom, in all likelihood, he has little subse-
quent connection? But enough of this — I have said
sufficient for apology to those who see the difficulty of
the case. To those who do not, I have been prolix with-
out being profitable.
Of Africa, then, I must not speak. Three years of its
burning sun and parched soil — the life of bivouac and
battle, had done the work of ten upon my constitution and
appearance. I was bronzed almost to a Moorish tint; a
few straggling hairs of grey showed themselves in my
CON CREGAN 587
dark beard and moustache, while emergencies and hazards
of different kinds had imparted a sterner character to my
features, that little resembled the careless gaiety of my
earlier days. In addition to this, I was wounded ; a sabre-
cut, received in defending the prince from an attack of
Arab horsemen, had severed the muscles of my right
arm; and although encouraged to believe that I should
yet recover its use, I was, for the time at least, totally
disabled, and as incompetent to wield a sword as a pen.
A very flattering mention of me in ' general orders,' my
name recorded in a despatch, and the ribbon of the
' Legion,' well rewarded me for these mishaps ; and now,
as a season of peace intervened, I was about to return to
France with the rank of ' Chef d'Escadron,' and the fame
of a distinguished officer. As the prince, my master, was
to make a tour in the provinces before his return to Paris,
permission was given me to visit Italy, whither the
physician advised me to repair to recruit my strength,
before adventuring upon the trials of a more northern
climate. The ' Due ' overwhelmed me with kind protesta-
tions at parting, and gave me a letter to the French
Minister at Naples, especially commending me to his
friendship, and speaking of my services in terms that my
modesty cannot permit me to repeat. Thus was Fortune
once more my friend ; and could I have but obliterated all
memory of the past, and of those fatal riches— the brief
enjoyment of which had given an impulse to all my desires
— I might now have been well contented. High character
as a soldier, a certain rank in the service, and the friend-
ship of a royal prince, were not trifling advantages to one
who had often sued destiny with success, even in forma
pauperis ; still, the ' great game ' I should have played, as
the man of large fortune, was never out of my thoughts,
and in secret I resolved to return to Mexico, and, as the
phrase has it, ' look after my affairs.'
This determination grew more fixed the longer I con-
sidered it ; and here I may remark, that the document to
590 THE CONFESSIONS OF
diplomatist, now recovering his self-possession, and
standing with his back to the fire, in the very easiest of
attitudes.
' I will beg of you to be more explicit,' said I.
' You shall not have to complain of me on that score,
sir,' said he, with a most affected air of courtesy ; ' and, as
brevity is the very essence of clearness, I may as well
state, that on representing the case of El Conde de
Cregano to the Minister of Spain, he very gravely assured
me that I was inventing a personage, for that no such
name existed among the nobility of his land. The dignity
may be recognised in Mexico,' added he, ' but the Mexican
Minister is equally perverse, and disclaims having so much
as heard of you. I spoke of your wealth and great
treasures, and they actually were rude enough to laugh
— not at you, sir — don't be angry — but at me. The Spanish
Ambassador, indeed, said that nothing was more common
than for Carlist agents of inferior station to assume
styles and titles which might entitle them to greater
consideration if taken prisoner, and that in this
wise you might have succeeded to your countship ;
but that to real rank, he persisted in asserting you
had no claim whatever. This, you must allow, sir, is
awkward.'
' For you, certainly, it will prove so,' said I haughtily.
' You may rely upon it, sir, that your career as a diplo-
matist will end where it began. You have dared to insult
one whose slightest word could crush you, did he not feel
that such an exercise of influence would be ludicrously
disproportioned to the object it was directed against.
There, sir — there is a written statement of my claim —
there a full and explicit demand for reparation ; and there,
the signature of your master the king at the foot of it.
You cannot be ignorant of the hand, nor can you dare to
pretend it is a forgery.'
If my insulting language had brought the flush of anger
to his cheek, this ' damning proof ' completely overcame
CON CREGAN 591
all his presence of mind, and left him in a state of con-
fusion and perplexity that any one, save myself, must have
pitied.
' The writing is certainly in the king's hand,' said he,
' and therefore I am obliged to concede the fact, that your
claim possesses features I was not previously aware of ;
with your leave, then, I will lay this document before the
Spanish Minister '
' You shall do no such thing, sir,' said I haughtily, ' my
asserted right is just what it was before I showed you that
paper ; nor shall I stoop to any corroborative testimony of
my claim, even from the hand of royalty ' ; and with this
impertinent speech I advanced towards the grate and
thrust the paper into the fire, pressing it down into the
blaze with my foot, and watching till I saw it consumed.
The diplomatist watched me narrowly throughout this
brief proceeding, and I half feared that he had seen through
my stratagem, as he said, ' Well, count, as not a shadow of
doubt can exist now as to the authentic character of your
demand, the best course will be to have a personal inter-
view with the Spanish Ambassador. He 'receives' this
evening at his palace, and, with your leave, we will wait
upon him together. Of course the time and place will
not admit of any discussion of this claim, but you can
be presented — a necessary preliminary to the intercourse
that will follow.'
This all looked marvellously like a trap ; but as any
doubt or indecision now would be ruin, I affected to be
much pleased with the proposal, and we parted.
iirai^Me*
A SOIREE IN THE 'GREAT WORLD'
T was not without considerable trepidation
and great misgiving that I awaited the evening. What
subtlety might be in store for me, I could not guess ; but it
seemed clear that the young secretary meditated a heavy
vengeance upon me, and would not lightly pardon the
insult I had passed upon him.
' I have it,' thought I, after long and deep pondering ;
' his plan is to introduce me into a great and crowded
assembly, with ministers, ambassadors, and generals, and
then, in the face of a distinguished company, to proclaim
me a cheat and impostor. He has, doubtless, the train all
laid, only waiting for the match ; and as the outrage will
be inflicted conjointly and diplomatically, any demand for
personal satisfaction will be vain ; while a very slight hint
at the prefecture would suffice to have me expelled from
the country.'
Should I confront this danger, or hazard the risk of
such an exposure ; or should I suffer judgment to be given
THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN 593
against me by default ? What a trying alternative ! In
the one case, a peril the greater for its shadowy, ill-defined
consequences ; in the other, certain and irretrievable dis-
grace ! How often did I curse my ambitious yearning
after wealth that had not left me contented with my
own fortune — the hard-won but incontestable rewards
of personal distinction. As the gallant officer who had
gained each step upon the field of battle, and whose
services had claimed the especial notice of his prince, I
ought to have rested satisfied.
My promotion would have been certain and rapid, and
what higher condition should I dare to aspire to than the
command of a French regiment, or possibly some brilliant
staff appointment! Why will not men look downward
as they climb the mountain of life, and see the humble
abyss from which they have issued? Were they but to
do so, how many would be convinced that they had done
enough, and not risk all by striving to mount higher ! The
son of the poor peasant a General of Division ! — one
among that decorated group surrounding the sovereign
of a great nation ! was not this sufficient ? and so much
assuredly was within my reach, merely by length of life,
and the ordinary routine of events ! and yet all this must
I jeopardise for the sake of gold. And now what course
should I adopt ? My whole philosophy through life had
been comprised in that one word which summed up all
Marshal Bluchers tactics — 'Forwards!' It had sufficed
for me in many a trying emergency — it had cut the black
knot of many a tangle — should I not still abide by it ?
Of course. This was not the moment to abandon the bold
policy.
From the ' host of mine inn ' I learned that the Spanish
Minister, whose receptions were little less splendid than
those of the Court itself, occupied a position which in
countries of more rigid morality would have left his
salons less crowded. In fact, it was asserted that he owed
his eminent station to his having consented to marry a
594 THE CONFESSIONS OF
lady, who had once been the rival of royalty itself in
Spain, and whose banishment had been thus secured.
Being still in the full pride of her beauty, and possessing
great wealth, the scandal only added to her claim, in
a society where notoriety of any kind is regarded as a
distinction.
She was the reigning belle of the capital. Her word
was law on every theme of fashion and taste; her opinions
exerted a considerable influence on matters of high politi-
cal bearing; and despite the ambiguity of her position,
she was the arbitress of every claim to admission into that
society which arrogated to itself the name of being ! the
best. 5
It is needless to say that a station of the kind engenders
a species of tyranny to which the world responds by
inventing all manner of stories and strange histories ; and
thus the Marchesa de la Norada was by some proclaimed
a natural daughter of the Emperor Napoleon — by others,
of an English royal duke. She was a widow, and the
wife of half-a-dozen personages together. There was not
an European court into which she had not brought discord
— not a cabinet where she had not sown intrigue. Her
beauty had seduced, her gold corrupted, and her wiles
entrapped, half the great statesmen of the age; while
there was scarcely a crime within the red catalogue of the
law that was not laid to her charge ; and yet, with all
these allegations against her, she was more sovereign in
that capital than the rightful queen of the land. This
was the presence into which I was to be introduced to-
night, and — I frankly own it — I would have rather con-
fronted the searching scrutiny of the most penetrating of
men, than meet the careless, half -bestowed glances of that
woman ! nor was it at all unlikely that to such a test they
wished now to subject me and my pretensions.
It is far easier for many men to confront a personal
danger, the peril of life or limb, than to meet the trying
difficulty of a slight before the world. To myself the
CON CREGAN 595
former would be as nothing in comparison. I could face
any amount of peril in preference to the risk of a public
mark of depreciation, and from a woman, too! where
redress was as impossible as reply was useless.
It was already midnight ere I could muster courage to
set out — not that the hour was inappropriate, for the
marchesa's receptions only began when the opera was
over. As I drove along the Chiaia, the crowd of carriages
told that this was a night of more than ordinary attrac-
tion, and more than one equipage of the Court passed by,
showing that some members of the royal family would be
present. This again terrified me. Was royalty to be among
the witnesses of my shame? When a man's thoughts do
take the turn of self -tormenting, what ingenuity will they
not exhibit — what astonishing resources of annoyance ! I
am convinced that my greatest enemy in life could never
have inflicted a tenth part of that suffering which now I
experienced from my own fancies ! Among the thoughts
which crossed my mind, one kept continually recurring,
and made an impression that my memory will probably
never lose — it was my doubt whether I ought not to
return and exchange my uniform for plain clothes, and
thus avoid exposing the epaulette of a French officer, and
the proud cordon I wore, to the chances of open insult.
This question was yet unsolved in my mind as I drove
into the courtyard of the palace. The turmoil and con-
fusion of the scene, carriages interlocked, poles smashing
panels, and horses rearing, was an actual relief to me, and
I would have felt a heart- warm gratitude for any accident
that might have upset half the company, and broken up
the reception in disorder. Such ' good-luck ' was, however,
not in store for me. My caleche at length drew up at the
door, and I handed my card with my name to the major
domo, who stood at the top of the stairs with an army of
liveried lackeys around him. ' Le Comte de Creganne ! '
resounded now through the spacious ante-chamber, and
the voices of others took it up, and the echo without
596 THE CONFESSIONS OF
repeated it, every syllable falling upon my heart like the
bang of a death-bell !
Although our progress was soon arrested by the dense
crowd, and all chance of moving farther, for a time at
least, out of the question, the lackey continued to call
my name aloud, with what I deemed a most needless
importunity of announcement. At last he ceased, leaving
me to the enjoyment of a momentary tranquillity in
mixing with the crowd. It was indeed but momentary,
for the young attache had made his way through the
throng, and whispered in my ear, ' Let us retire this way,
and I'll lead you by another passage, otherwise you will
run a great risk of never being presented to the marchesa.'
I could have told him that I would have borne even this
misfortune like a man, but I did not, and merely followed
him as he led the way through a suite of rooms, of which
only one was occupied, and that by a card-party.
The buzz and hum of voices apprised me that we were
again approaching the company, and suddenly, on opening
a door, we found ourselves in a small but gorgeously
furnished chamber, where three or four ladies and about a
dozen men were assembled, while the main body of the
guests passed through in defile, each stopping to salute
and say a few words to a lady who did the honours of the
reception. As her back was towards me, I could only
mark that she was tall, and of an air that was queenly in
state and dignity. The stars and decorations around her
showed that some of the party were princes of the blood,
and others, ambassadors and ministers of state.
' Wait where you are,' whispered my companion ; and
he moved forward and entered the crowd. I stood an
eager spectator of the scene, in which, despite all my
anxieties, I could not but feel interested. It was the first
great review I had ever witnessed of that fashionable
world, whose recognition and acceptance I so ardently
coveted. Its slightest gestures, its least and most insig-
nificant observances, were all matters of study to me.
CON CREGAN 597
Every deep reverence, each motion of respectful courtesy,
were things to mark and imitate, and I was storing up
many a hint for future guidance, when I observed that a
gentleman, whom I had rightly conjectured to be a royal
prince, appeared to press some remark upon the marchesa,
to which at last she replied, ' I believe I must follow your
Royal Highness's counsel, and take a few minutes' rest ' ;
and so saying, she dropped back from the group, and
retired within a few paces of where I stood.
' May I beg you to hand that chair, sir,' said the prince
to me, and in a tone in which I own a certain haughtiness
seemed to rebuke my want of thoughtfulness in not
presenting it unbidden. I hastened to perform this service.
The lady turned to acknowledge it ; our eyes met, and we
stood fixed and rooted to the spot, each speechless and
pale with emotion. In those few seconds I felt as if I had
lived years.
' La Senhora Dias,' murmured I unconsciously to myself.
' Lupo!' ejaculated she, as if in answer, and she trembled
from head to foot.
' You have really over-exerted yourself,' said the prince,
as, taking her hand, he pressed her down into a seat.
Her eyes never quitted me for an instant, and the
expression of her features became almost that of agonising
pain as she motioned me to approach her. ' Is it possible
that I see before me my friend the Duke of ?' she
stopped, and with a look of entreaty I can never forget,
intimated that I should fill up the blank.
' Le Comte de Creganne, madame,' said I, coming to the
rescue, ' who is but too happy to find himself remembered
by the Marchesa de la Norada.'
'Very true, comte; I was confounding you with your
constant companion the Duke de la Breanza ; I hope he is
well, and the dear duchess — and you — when did you arrive
from the Brazils ? I trust very lately, or you have treated
me shamefully.'
Rapidly as these words were uttered, they were enough
13 2q
598 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to give me the consigne of what rank my intimate friends
held, in what class we met, and from whence I came.
While I replied to her questions, she motioned me to a
seat beside her, and with a smile and a courteous apology
to the prince for devoting herself to the old friend who
had so unexpectedly presented himself, she dropped her
voice to a whisper, and said, ' Not now, nor here, but to-
morrow we will speak together.'
' Enough,' said I rapidly ; ' I am your old and esteemed
friend the Comte de Creganne ; you are not compromised
in calling me so.'
' Nor can your memory fail to recall me as a Lady of
Honour at the Brazilian court.'
And now some of the company had gathered around
us, to most of whom she presented me, always adding
some few courteous expressions, indicative of our ancient
friendship, and of the pleasure she felt at our unexpected
meeting. If I have occasionally given way to those erratic
flights of fancy which led me to believe myself a scion of
a noble house, well born and nurtured, with wealth at my
command and a high station in store, all these delusions
were nothing to the creative efforts of her imagination,
who commenced by reminding me of a hundred people
who never existed, and places and incidents which were
all as unreal. How we did bewail the death of some,
rejoice over the good fortune of other 'dear, dear friends'
who had never breathed ! and with what pleasant laughter
we remembered eccentricities and oddities that once used
to amuse us so much !
Never can I forget the look of astonishment of the
young attache as he came up and found me seated on
the ottoman beside the marchesa, with her pet spaniel
upon my lap, while my whole air was redolent of that
triumphant expression so unmistakably denoting security.
' I perceive,' said he, with difficulty repressing his ill-
humour, 'that Madame la Marchesa is acquainted with
the Comte de Creganne.'
CON CREGAN 599
' For many years, sir, the comte and I have known each
other, and I have only to own my surprise that none of
my friends at Naples ever mentioned to me the arrival
of one in every way so distinguished — but here is the
marquese; I must present you, comte.' So saying, she
introduced me to a tall, pompous-looking, elderly gentle-
man, who, it is but fair to add, did not evince half so much
satisfaction at sight of me as his wife showed. And now
was I the lion of the evening. I, who had walked the
Chiaia every day for weeks back without notice or recog-
nition, and who might, had the idea occurred to me,
have fallen down and died without one to pity me — I
became all of a sudden a most 'interesting personage!'
My African campaign was exalted into a perfect career of
glory, and even my modesty was pushed hard to accept
the praises most lavishly bestowed upon acts of heroism
of which I had not even heard.
The Duke of Vallabretta, the younger brother of the
king, was certain he had often heard of me from his 'friend
De St Cloud.' He was quite positive that I was the officer
of dragoons who, with one squadron of horse, captured a
' Smala ' defended by twelve hundred Arabs, while fully
one-half of the illustrious cruelties of the Oran war was
generously laid to my charge. A dash of atrocity adds
immensely to the charm of heroism in Italian estimation ;
and so I discovered that various acts of roasting prisoners,
sending a cargo of noses to Toulon, and such like, were
exceedingly popular with the ladies, who regarded me as
a modern ' Bayard.'
Not all these sensations of triumph, however, gave me
one-half the pleasure that I felt in trampling upon the little
French attache, whom I persecuted with a proud disdain
that nearly drove him mad. All my ignorance of Nea-
politan society, the obscurity in which I had lived hitherto,
I laid at his door. I deplored most feelingly to the prince
the inefficient mode in which we were represented at his
court, and promised to use my influence in effecting a
600 THE CONFESSIONS OP
change. I fear my disposition is not so angelic as I usually
conceive it, for I actually taxed my ingenuity for little
subjects of attack against the unlucky diplomatist, and
saw him at length retire from the salons, crushed crest-
fallen, and miserable.
Another consideration, perhaps, added venom to my
malignity : I knew not how short-lived might be my
power, and determined to 'make my running while the
course was free.' The vicissitudes of fortune had often
reversed in one short day all the prospect I trusted to be
the most stable and certain ; and for the future I was
fully resolved never to forego the stroke to-day, for which
my arm might be too weak to-morrow. As I saw him
depart, I felt like a naval hero when his enemy had struck,
and in the pride of victory abandoned myself to pleasure.
If the marchesa watched me at first with an uneasy
and anxious eye, doubtful, perhaps, how I should acquit
myself in that high and polished world, I soon saw that
her fears were allayed as she saw the easy quietude of my
manner, and that tranquil self-possession which is sup-
posed to be only acquired by long admixture with the
world of fashion. It was evident, too, that if any failure
on my part would entail disgrace, success was just as
certain to do her honour and credit, since I was a strong
rebutting evidence against all those who denied that the
marchesa was ever known or recognised before in the
high circles of a court.
'To-morrow, at noon,' said she, as I made my bow
at parting; and it was not likely I should forget the
appointment.
It was with very different feelings I drove up to the
palace of the marchesa on the day following, from those
I had experienced on approaching it on the evening of
the reception ; nor was I long without perceiving that my
confidence was well founded. The groom of the chambers
received me with his most bland courtesy and by his
manner showed that he expected my arrival
CON CREGAN 601
Preceding me through a suite of rooms whose magnifi-
cence I had not time to observe on the previous evening,
he ushered me into a small chamber leading into a con-
servatory, from which the view extended over the wide
Bay of Naples, and presented Vesuvius from base to
summit. As I was left by myself here for some minutes,
I had leisure to notice the varied elegance by which I was
surrounded. Rare plants and flowers, in jars of costly
porcelain ; alabaster statues and rich bronzes, appeared
amid the clustering foliage ; and in the midst of all, two
tiny swans, of the rare breed of Morocco, lay tranquilly in
a little basin, whose water spouted from a silver fountain
of most elaborate workmanship.
While yet gazing on the tasteful objects around, the
marchesa had entered, and so noiselessly, that she was at
my side ere I knew it. Paler than on the previous evening,
she looked even handsomer; but in the sunken eye and
the wearied expression of the mouth, I could see that she
had passed a sleepless night.
Having taken a seat upon a sofa, and motioned me to
seat myself beside her, she looked fixedly at me for several
minutes without a word ; at last, in a voice of deep feeling,
she said, 'Do you remember the pledge with which we
parted? do you recollect the oath by which you bound
yourself ? '
' Perfectly, senhora ! ' said I ; ' nor was I aware yester-
day, till the very moment of our meeting, in whose
presence I was standing.'
' But you had heard of me here ? '
' Only as the Marchesa de la Norada — not as the
seiihora.'
' Hush ! let that name never escape your lips. I believe
you and trust you. The commission I gave you was well
and faithfully executed ; were it otherwise, and did I
deem you false, it would not be difficult for me to rid
myself of the embarrassment. We live in a city where
such things are well understood.' My blood ran cold at
602 THE CONFESSIONS OF
this threat, for I remembered the accusation which hung
over her in Mexico. She saw what was passing in my
mind, and added, ' You have nothing to fear ; we shall be
good friends while you remain here ; but that time must
be brief. I cannot, I will not, live a life of terror; a
moment of impatience, an unguarded word, a hasty ex-
pression of yours might compromise me, and then
When can you leave Naples ? '
' To-morrow — to-day, if you desire it.'
'That would be too hurried,' she said thoughtfully.
' We must not encourage suspicion. Why are you here ? '
I gave the restoration of my health as the reason, and
then alluded to the circumstances of my Spanish claim,
which I had hoped Naples would have proved a suitable
place for pressing.
' Who knows of this transaction ? what evidence have
you of its truth ? ' said she hurriedly.
' The minister by whose order I was imprisoned, the
Governor of Malaga, his official underlings, all know of it.'
'Enough. Now by whom was the information given
on which you were arrested ? '
'A man who called himself the Consul at Campecho,
and to whose early history I am disposed to suspect I have
the clue, but to whom, unfortunately, in a hasty moment,
I betrayed that secret knowledge.'
' And thus he dreads and hates you,' said she, fixing her
dark eyes sternly on me.
' He rather fears me without reason,' said I.
'But still you would have traded on that fear had it
served your purpose?' reiterated she, with a pointedness
that showed how the application to her own case was
uppermost in her thoughts.
' You are less than just to me, senhora ! ' said I proudly.
'A variety of circumstances led me to connect this man
with a very unhappy incident which took place years ago
in England, and wherein his conduct — supposing him to be
the same — was base to the last degree. This suspicion I
CON CREGAN 603
was weak enough to let escape rue. His euniity was the
consequence, and from it followed all the misfortunes I
have suffered.'
' Was he a murderer ? '
« No— not that.'
' Nor a forger ? for methinks in English esteem such is
the parallel offence.'
'In the case I speak of forgery was the least of his
crimes — he seduced the wife of his friend and benefactor.'
' Oh, the wretch ! ' exclaimed she, with a derisive smile,
that gave her features — beautiful as they were — an almost
demoniac expression. ' I trust he never prospered after
such iniquity.'
Not heeding the tone of sneer in which she uttered this,
I replied, ' You are right, sefihora ; he lived a life of terror
and misery. He was a coward ; and the man he had injured
never ceased to track him from country to country.
Over sea and land he followed him, the thirst for ven-
geance stimulating a heart dead to every other emotion,
Accident, when I was a mere boy, brought me into close
relation with poor Broughton.'
' With whom ? ' said she, grasping my wrist, while her
eyes strained till the very blood started in them.
' Sir Dudley Broughton,' said I ; but the words were not
out ere she fell senseless on the floor. I raised her and
placed her on a sofa ; and then, dipping her handkerchief
in the fountain, bathed her temples and her lips. But she
gave no sign of returning animation ; her arm dropped
powerless at either side. She did not even seem to breathe.
What was I to do ? I knew not where to find a bell to
summon the servants, even should I dare to leave her. In
my excitement I believed that she was dead, and that I
had killed her ; and then there darted through my brain
the terrible conviction that this could be no other than
Lady Broughton herself — the unhappy Lydia Delmar.
With a long-drawn sigh she at length awoke, and, opening
her eyes, looked up at me. A convulsive shudder speedily
604 THE CONFESSIONS OF
followed, and she closed them again, and remained still,
with her hands clasped tightly over her heart.
' Have I been dreaming a terrible dream,' said she at
last, in a weak and broken voice, 'or are my dreadful
thoughts realities ? Tell me of what were we speaking ? '
I did not answer. I could not tell her of the sad theme,
nor did I dare to deceive her. In this dilemma I became
silent ; but my confusion did not escape her, and with a
voice, every syllable of which struck deep into my heart,
she said, ' Is this secret your own, or have you ever revealed
it to another ? '
' I have never told it, nor indeed till now was the full
mystery known to myself.'
These few words, which served to confirm her own
wavering terrors, at the same time that they showed how
she herself had betrayed her dreadful secret, increased her
suffering, and for a space she seemed overwhelmed by
affliction.
' Let us speak of this no more,' said she at last, in the
same hurried voice which once before had made me suspect
the soundness of her intellect. ' I cannot, I dare not, trust
myself to dwell upon this theme ; nor will I suffer any one
to usurp an ascendency over me from terror. No, sir ; you
shall not deceive yourself by such a delusion. I have
friends — great and powerful friends — who will protect me.
I have money, and can buy the aid that outstrips patronage.
Beware, then, how you threaten me ! '
' You are unjust to me, lady,' said I calmly but
resolutely. ' I never meant to threaten. A mere accident
has put me in possession of a secret which, while you live,
none shall ever hear from my lips ; nor need you fear any
allusion to it will ever escape me to yourself.'
' Then let us part. Let us see each other no more,' said
she, rising and approaching a small ivory cabinet, which
she unlocked. 'See, here is enough to satisfy the desire
for mere money, if your heart be so set upon wealth that
it has no other idol. Take these, and these, and these.
CON CREGAN 605
They are gems of price, and taken from a royal crown.
That necklace of rubies once graced the shoulders of an
empress ; and here are rings whose value will buy long
years of dissipation and excess.'
' I must interrupt you, senhora,' said I, offended at the
tone she assumed towards me. ' There is no need to " buy
me off"; I am ready to take my leave — to quit Naples
within an hour — and I pledge myself that we shall never
meet again, or if we do, as utter strangers to each other.'
' These were the terms of our contract once before,' said
she, fixing her gaze steadfastly on me.
' And by whom broken, and how ? ' said I.
' True— too true ! ' exclaimed she, in a voice of deep
emotion. ' Fate, that did this, has doubtless other punish-
ments in store for me ! It is plain, then, that I must trust
you — I, who can feel confidence in none ! '
' I do not seek for it, senhora,' replied I ; ' my offer is to
leave this city, where already I see but little prospect
of urging my suit with success. "Why should we meet
again in life, when both of us are travelling opposite
roads ? '
'This suit of yours is, then, a real demand, founded
upon an actual loss — matter of fact throughout?' This,
although said in these few words, had nothing offensive in
its tone, and I replied by an assurance of my good faith
and veracity.
' Send me the memorial this evening ; to-morrow, or the
day after at farthest, you shall have an answer. As for
your demand upon the Havannah, the banker is my own,
and I can answer for your being honourably dealt with ;
all your property in his keeping I will guarantee.'
' If that be so, senhora, I am indifferent about the
Spanish Minister's reply; I shall have wealth more than
enough for all my desires without him.'
' How do you call yourself in these papers ? ' asked she
hurriedly.
' El Conde de Cregano.'
606 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' And you were known by that title in Mexico ? '
6 Certainly ; I have no other.'
She stared at me fixedly for a minute or two, and
then muttered to herself, ' By what pretension should
/ question his rank ! ' then, turning to me, said, ' Senhor el
Conde de Cregano, I receive the world at large every
evening save Saturday ; that night I reserve for my
friends. Come as often as you can during the week, but
never omit a Saturday ; visit me at the opera frequently ;
speak to me always when we meet in public places ; be my
intimate friend, in fact, but not more — you have too much
tact to be my admirer.' With this she gave me her hand,
which I pressed respectfully to my lips, and bowing deeply,
moved towards the door.
' We understand each other,' said she calmly.
' Perfectly, madame,' replied I.
' Then never say, sir,' resumed she, in a stern, determined
voice, ' never say that you are not an adventurer ; never
dare to tell me that one who so quickly assumes a part is
not a professed actor on the great boards of life — ready to
take the character assigned him, be it broad farce or
comedy — ay, or even tragedy, if needs were. Do not deny
or seek to contradict me. I did not care that your count-
ship had fourteen quarterings behind it — nay, I like you
even better as you are. There, now you look natural and
at your ease. Adieu, Monsieur le Comte.'
'Adieu, Madame la Marquise,' said I, putting as much
irony into my accent as might repay her, and then we
parted. Whatever her feelings, I know not ; mine, I own,
were scarcely of the pleasantest, prompting me to make
my residence at Naples as brief as might be, and to see
no more of my 'dear friend of former years' than was
absolutely indispensable.
Were I to dwell upon those portions of my history
which afforded me the highest amount of enjoyment,
while passing I might linger upon the weeks I spent in
Naples, as perhaps the very pleasantest of my life. The
CON CREGAN 607
world of fashion was new to me. All those fascinations
to which habit renders men either apathetic or indifferent
came fresh upon me. The outward show of splendour in
dress and jewels, gorgeous saloons, rare flowers, exquisite
pictures and statues, soon cease to astonish and amaze ;
but it takes a long while ere the charm of intercourse with
really brilliant society begins to wear off, and ere a man
recognises a degree of sameness in the pleasures and
amusements of his fashionable friends.
I am not sure that the society which I frequented
had not more power of captivation than a more rigidly
scrupulous circle, since, while exacting all the observances
of polished life, it yet admitted a degree of liberty, almost
of familiarity, among its members, that I have since
remarked is not common in the wider intercourse of the
world.
Pretty women were not ashamed to look their best, and
dress the most becomingly ; witty men were not chary of
their smartness; courtiers were confidential; statesmen
were candid; men of the world unbent, as if in a circle
where their freedom would not be misinterpreted, and
said a hundred things that in other societies would have
been, to say the least, indiscreet. It is true that individuals
were more discussed than events, and that characters, not
facts, formed the staple of the talk ; but how amusing was
it — what stores of anecdote were opened, what strange
histories and curious illustrations of life unfolded ! Pre-
tension was ridiculed, vulgarity exposed, stupidity laughed
at, awkwardness criticised, and want of tact condemned
with most unsparing ridicule ; but I am bound to own
that there were few commendations reserved for virtuous
conduct or honourable action. The debtor side of the
account was full, but the credit had not an item on it !
No rank, however exalted, could escape the judgments
of a ' set,' who, with all the exclusiveness of fashion,
affected a most democratic spirit of equality. It was,
however, a 'Communism' that assumed to start on the
608 THE CONFESSIONS OF
basis of every one having at least ten thousand a year —
not so bad a theory, were it only practicable.
I must not linger longer on this subject, on which I
have only touched to remark that here it was where I
acquired that knowledge of forms and conventionalities
which constitute the tactique of life : those ' gambits ' and
' openings,' to use a chess phrase, by which you at once
obtain an advantage over an equal adversary, and secure
yourself against injury with even a superior player. I
learned when to use an illustration or a story, when to
become a mere listener, how to assist a slow man without
his detecting the aid, and how to close a discussion with
an epigram; and all this without the faintest show of
premeditation or the very slightest sign of forethought.
While my education as a man of the world was pro-
gressing, my material fortune was also advancing. The
Spanish Ambassador, who had referred my case to his court,
ascertained that I had been most infamously treated ; that
not alone my rank and fortune were indisputable, but that
the individual on whose affirmation I was arrested was
himself a Carlist spy, and the noted agent of a great
Northern power. In fact, so manifold were his infractions
against law, in every country in Europe, that the only
difficulty was to what particular power to hand him over,
so many laying claim to the honour of punishing him. In
the end, Naples obtained this distinction ! and at the very
period I was enjoying the luxurious pleasures of that
capital, ' my friend, the Consul,' was expanding his chest
and his faculties in the less captivating career of a galley-
slave. ' Fortune is just,' said I, as I arranged my cravat
at the window which overlooked the Bay, on whose
glassy surface some half-dozen boats moved sluggishly,
as the red and yellow rowers kept time to the ' stroke '
by the clanking of their fetters.
Governments move slowly — particularly when the case
is one of refunding a previous spoliation ; meanwhile they
admitted my claim; and by way of keeping me in good
CON CREGAN 609
humour, they sent me a cross of the Order of Isabella, of
the first class — a very gratifying recognition of my noble
birth and merits. My intimacy with the Duke of Medina
— the brother of the king — obtained for me the Neapolitan
Order; and thus was I decorated with three very distin-
guished cordons, which I wore in my button-hole as a
' tricolour '—a fact insignificant in itself, but I mention it
here, as many of my imitators have since that affected to
be the inventors of the method.
Periods of expectancy are generally deemed great
trials, making inroads upon the health and sapping the
energies of the mind. Such was not my case here; I
waited like one who loiters in some delicious garden,
surrounded with blooming flowers and sweet odours.
The delays and procrastinations of cabinets — for which
the most profuse apologies were made — I bore with a
degree of calm equanimity that won for me the appella-
tion of a most finished gentleman ; and thus was I almost
unconsciously perfecting myself in that grand element of
breeding whose triumph is ' impassiveness.'
There were moments when I actually dreaded the
termination of my cause, so agreeable had Naples become
to me; but as the rich gamester is certain to win, while
the poor player is luckless ever, successes crowded on me,
because I was half indifferent to them.
Six months had now nearly elapsed since my arrival at
Naples, and I was paying a morning visit to the marchesa,
whom I was engaged to accompany to a grand dejeuner,
to be given on board of a British ship of war in the Bay.
It was one of those gorgeous days of brilliant colouring
which, in Italy, seem to exaggerate the effect of landscape,
and defy all efforts of art to imitate ; the scene was
heightened, too, by the objects moving across the bay.
The various boats, with ensigns floating and music playing
— the swift ' Lateeners ' skimming along the glassy surface
almost without a breath of wind — and then the great
three-decker herself, in all the pride of her majestic size,
610 THE CONFESSIONS OF
with flags of every nation fluttering from her halyards,
were splendid adjuncts to the picture.
' Here are three letters for you, Monsieur le Comte,' said
the marchesa; 'they came in the Spanish Minister's bag
this morning; but I suppose there is nothing sufficiently
interesting in them to withdraw your thoughts from that
magnificent panorama.'
Of course I affected concurrence in the sentiment, and
thrust them into my pocket with assumed indifference.
The room soon after filled with arriving visitors, and
among the rest the Spanish Ambassador.
' Ha, Senhor Conde,' said he, approaching me ; ' let me
offer my warmest felicitations. How happy am I to be
the means through which your good tidings have reached
you
r
I bowed, smiled, and seemed charmed, without the
slightest notion wherein lay my good fortune. His
practised eye, however, soon detected my game, and he
said, ' You have received your letters, I hope ? '
'Yes,' replied I carelessly; 'the marchesa has been
kind enough to give them to me.'
' And you have read them ? ' asked he again.
' Not yet,' said I ; ' I make it a rule never to risk the
pleasure of a happy day by opening a letter at hazard.'
'What if its contents were but to increase the enjoy-
ment ; what if the tidings were to fill up the very measure
of your wishes, senhor ? '
' In that case,' rejoined I, as coldly as before, ' they will
be very acceptable to-morrow morning; and thus I shall
have gained two days of happiness, vice one.'
' Admirable philosophy, indeed,' said he. ' Still I must
be pardoned for interfering with its exercise. I shall there-
fore take upon me to inform the honourable company that
her Majesty, my royal mistress, has named the Count de
Cregano a Grand Cordon of the Fleece, in consideration
of his distinguished services in arranging the Mexican
debt ; that all his property, taken from him under a false
CON CREGAN 611
and traitorous imputation, shall be at once restored ;
that any additional recompense he may demand for his
imprisonment and other inconveniences incurred shall be
immediately accorded ; and that all Envoys and Ministers
of the Court of Spain are instructed to receive the Count
de Cregano with every honour and distinction, affording
him every protection, and facilitating him in the prosecu-
tion of any project in which he may be interested.'
This speech, delivered in a very imposing manner, was
followed by a round of felicitation from the assembled
company, the marchesa offering me her hand in con-
gratulation, and whispering the words, ' How soon ? '
' To-morrow, if I must,' replied I sorrowfully.
' To-morrow be it,' said she, and turned away hastily.
The information conveyed to me by the ambassador
was what formed the substance of two of the letters ; the
third I contrived to peep into unobserved, was a formal
notification from the Havannah that my bills for the
amount in the bankers' hands would be accepted and
negotiated at a well-known house in Paris. Thus, then,
and in one moment, was I once more rich — the possessor
of immense wealth, and not alone of mere fortune, but of
all the honours and dignities which can grace and adorn
it. Of course I became the hero of the day. To me was
intrusted the arm of the marchesa as we descended to the
pier ; to me was accorded the seat of honour beside her
in the boat. All the pleasant flatteries that are reserved
for rich men were heaped upon me, and I felt that life
had but one prize more with which to fill up the most
ambitious of my cravings. That, alas ! could never be —
Donna Maria was the wife of another ; and thus should I
learn that complete happiness is never to be the lot of any
mere mortal !
The fete on board the Tarifa was very splendid ; but it
had another charm still more rarely met with — I mean
that hearty cordiality which graces every entertainment
where British sailors are the hosts, their courtesy being
610 THE CONFESSIONS OF
with flags of every nation fluttering from her halyards,
were splendid adjuncts to the picture.
' Here are three letters for you, Monsieur le Comte,' said
the marchesa; 'they came in the Spanish Minister's bag
this morning; but I suppose there is nothing sufficiently
interesting in them to withdraw your thoughts from that
magnificent panorama.'
Of course I affected concurrence in the sentiment, and
thrust them into my pocket with assumed indifference.
The room soon after filled with arriving visitors, and
among the rest the Spanish Ambassador.
'Ha, Sehhor Conde,' said he, approaching me; 'let me
offer my warmest felicitations. How happy am I to be
the means through which your good tidings have reached
you!'
I bowed, smiled, and seemed charmed, without the
slightest notion wherein lay my good fortune. His
practised eye, however, soon detected my game, and he
said, ' You have received your letters, I hope ? '
'Yes,' replied I carelessly; 'the marchesa has been
kind enough to give them to me.'
' And you have read them ? ' asked he again.
' Not yet,' said I ; ' I make it a rule never to risk the
pleasure of a happy day by opening a letter at hazard.'
' What if its contents were but to increase the enjoy-
ment ; what if the tidings were to fill up the very measure
of your wishes, senhor ? '
' In that case,' rejoined I, as coldly as before, ' they will
be very acceptable to-morrow morning; and thus I shall
have gained two days of happiness, vice one.'
' Admirable philosophy, indeed,' said he. ' Still I must
be pardoned for interfering with its exercise. I shall there-
fore take upon me to inform the honourable company that
her Majesty, my royal mistress, has named the Count de
Cregano a Grand Cordon of the Fleece, in consideration
of his distinguished services in arranging the Mexican
debt ; that all his property, taken from him under a false
CON CREGAN 611
and traitorous imputation, shall be at once restored ;
that any additional recompense he may demand for his
imprisonment and other inconveniences incurred shall be
immediately accorded ; and that all Envoys and Ministers
of the Court of Spain are instructed to receive the Count
de Cregano with every honour and distinction, affording
him every protection, and facilitating him in the prosecu-
tion of any project in which he may be interested.'
This speech, delivered in a very imposing manner, was
followed by a round of felicitation from the assembled
company, the marchesa offering me her hand in con-
gratulation, and whispering the words, ' How soon ? '
' To-morrow, if I must,' replied I sorrowfully.
' To-morrow be it,' said she, and turned away hastily.
The information conveyed to me by the ambassador
was what formed the substance of two of the letters ; the
third I contrived to peep into unobserved, was a formal
notification from the Havannah that my bills for the
amount in the bankers' hands would be accepted and
negotiated at a well-known house in Paris. Thus, then,
and in one moment, was I once more rich — the possessor
of immense wealth, and not alone of mere fortune, but of
all the honours and dignities which can grace and adorn
it. Of course I became the hero of the day. To me was
intrusted the arm of the marchesa as we descended to the
pier ; to me was accorded the seat of honour beside her
in the boat. All the pleasant flatteries that are reserved
for rich men were heaped upon me, and I felt that life
had but one prize more with which to fill up the most
ambitious of my cravings. That, alas ! could never be —
Donna Maria was the wife of another ; and thus should I
learn that complete happiness is never to be the lot of any
mere mortal !
The fete on board the Tarifa was very splendid ; but it
had another charm still more rarely met with — I mean
that hearty cordiality which graces every entertainment
where British sailors are the hosts, their courtesy being
612 THE CONFESSIONS OF
blended with an actual warmth of hospitality that wins
even upon the coldest guest, and gives a tone of friendli-
ness to the most promiscuous gathering.
Every one appeared to experience the influence of this
peculiar magic, and all gave way to the impulse that
suggested the fullest enjoyment of the hour.
To waltzes had succeeded the manolo and the bolero ;
dances of the wild regions of Calabria and Sicily were
performed by men of noble birth, the petty princes of
those countries ; and all were vying who should introduce
something new and unknown to the rest, when, suddenly,
the distant sound of the church bells of the city was
borne along the water, announcing the ' Ventiquattro,' as
it is called — the hour of evening prayer. In a moment a
sudden air of devotional seriousness spread itself over the
company, and most bent their heads in pious reverence,
while they recited to themselves the words of the ' Angelus.'
If there seemed, to the sense of English Protestantism,
something strange and unnatural in this great revulsion,
there was a degree of earnestness and sincerity in the
features of the worshippers that showed their piety to be
unfeigned. And here I might leave the theme, were it not
for an incident which, taking place at the same moment,
will remain for ever associated in my mind with that brief
interval of prayer.
The hour of sunset, or, as the Neapolitans term it, the
£ Ventiquattro,' is that in which the galley-slaves, employed
from dawn of day at convict labour, return to their
prisons ; and while the streets at that period exhibit
long lines of men whose terrible appearance needs not
the heightening accessories of a shocking dress and a
heavy lumbering chain to pronounce them criminals, over
the bay are seen boats moving in sad procession, the clank-
ing of the fetters creaking mournfully upon the ear, and
sounding like the wail of hopeless captivity.
No scene of pleasurable enjoyment can stand the
contrast of such a sight ; the revulsion is too sudden and
CON CREGAN 613
too painful from the light frivolity of mirth to the terrible
reality of suffering and sorrow. To escape, therefore,
from the gloomy picture, the officers of the vessel
endeavoured to withdraw their guests from the deck to
the shelter of the cabin. The change was accomplished
well and naturally, and we were all gathered between
decks in that turmoil and confusion which form no insig-
nificant part of the success of every entertainment; the
buzz of talking and the sounds of pleasant laughter were
heard on every side — when suddenly a cry was heard
above, and then the loud voice of the officer of the
watch, commanding a boat to be instantly manned and
lowered.
A hundred conjectures at once ran round as to the
meaning of the order ; but one of the officers hastily
entering, a few minutes later, put an end to all guessing,
by informing us that a very dreadful incident had just
occurred within a short distance from where we lay.
'You may have remarked a handsome yacht, which
anchored last night in the bay, coming up from the
eastward; she belonged to an English gentleman, with
whose name we were not acquainted, but whose conduct is
calculated to confirm all that Frenchmen are accustomed
to say of our national taste for eccentricity even in crime.
It would seem that at an early hour this morning he
landed at the Mole, and by means of letters, with which
he was provided to the minister of police, obtained leave
to inspect the different prisons of the city, and to pass
under the most minute examination all those condemned
to the galleys for life. As already all those who work at
Castelamare had been sent away, he obtained an order to
visit the galleys there, being determined, as it would seem,
to leave nothing unseen. On reaching Castelamare it is
said that he again commenced his tour of inspection, going
over the roll of the prisoners, with the muster-book in his
hand, as if to compare their features with the crimes
alleged against them, and scrutinising each with a most
X3 2r
614 THE CONFESSIONS OF
searching look. The visit lasted till nigh evening ; and
although the governor was not a little astonished at the
proceeding of the stranger, still less was he prepared for
the singular request which succeeded : it was, that he might
be permitted to return to Naples in one of the convict
boats instead of in his own gig. The demand might have
been treated lightly, or altogether refused, but that the
Englishman's appearance and manner indicated rank,
while the letter he carried from the Minister showed
him to be one with claims for consideration. The
governor, therefore, gave the permission, smiling at the
same time at a caprice which could not have proceeded
from the native of any other country.
' The Englishman took his seat in the stern of the boat,
and, as I am told by the steersman, never spoke nor moved
for nigh an hour's time ; muffling himself up in his cloak so
that his very face was concealed, he neither cast his eyes
over the bay nor looked towards the shore, but sat like
one in deep reflection. As we neared the Tarifa,' said my
informant, ' our passenger affected to feel cold and chilly —
he might have been so, since the evening breeze was just
springing up — and said that he would like to row for a
spell, just to warm himself. The petty officer in charge
explained that the request could not be complied with,
since, amongst other reasons, the men were chained two
and two on every, bench, and then obliged to tug at the
same oar.
'The Englishman, who, throughout the day, had
invariably overruled every objection opposed to him,
grew only more positive in his demand, and at last
produced the Minister's order to strengthen his proposal,
and finally said, that as he had obtained the permission
to learn all he could of the condition of the convicts, he
was determined not to depart without experiencing in his
own person the amount of labour exacted from them.
" You shall chain me to that fellow in the bow of the boat,"
said he, " for I have my doubts that this same punishment
CON CREGAN 615
is not equal to what our own sailors perform every day as
a mere duty."
' I need not dwell upon the arguments he used, and the
reason he pressed; and although I have not heard it, I
have little doubt that bribery was among the rest. His
demand was granted, and he was actually placed beside
the convict, and his left wrist inclosed in the same fetters
with the other's right.
' His face became almost purple as he grasped the
oar, and his eyes glared fiercely round upon his fellow-
labourer, like the red and staring orbs of a wild beast.
" So dreadful was the expression of his face," said the
steersman, " that I believed him to be insane ; and a shock-
ing fear of evil consequences shot through me for having
yielded to him."
'I at once called out to the crew to ship their oars,
determining to make him resume his place beside me.
The order was obeyed by the bow-oar as by the rest. I
was then about to issue a command for him to be released,
when, with a yell that I shall never forget, he sprang up
in the boat, and then calling out something in English,
which I could not understand, he seized his comrade by
the throat and shook him violently.
' The convict — himself a strong man, yet in the prime
of life — seemed nothing in the grasp of the other, who
held him at arm's length, as though he were a child ; and
then letting go his hold, clasping him round the waist with
both arms, he jumped into the sea.
' They were seen in mortal conflict for a second or two
as they sank in the clear water, but they never rose to the
surface — the weight of the massive fetters and their own
struggles soon finished their sufferings ! '
Such was the terrible story which now broke in upon
the gay current of our festivity, and threw a gloom over
a scene of brilliant pleasure. Of course "various surmises
as to the motive of this fearful act were uttered, but
they all tended to the conclusion that it proceeded from
616 THE CONFESSIONS OF
insanity, which occasionally displays amongst its wonder-
ful phenomena all the premeditation and circumspection
of accomplished guilt.
There is that of solemnity about an event of this nature
that even frivolity itself stands rebuked by, and so, now,
instead of resuming the occupations of pleasure, many
took their leave suddenly; and of those who still re-
mained, but one topic engrossed the conversation — that of
madness as an element in all great cases of guilt.
Of course, as in all similar discussions, the superiority
lay with those who, with more readiness of expression,
also possessed greater resources in anecdote and illus-
tration, and of these the greater number were disposed
to believe that all great criminality is allied with deranged
intellect. The marchesa, however, took the opposite side,
and insisted that the passion which prompted to the most
terrible and appalling acts was perfectly consistent with
right reason and sound judgment.
' It is too rash in us,' said she, ' to assume a mere blind
impulse in cases even where recognised insanity exists.
Were we to know the secrets of the human heart, we
might, perhaps, see a long-cherished purpose in acts which
appear to be dictated by momentary passion. These
impulses may be excessive, ill-directed, and ill-judging,
but still they may have their origin in some train of
thought where generous feelings and noble aspirations
mingle. Witness those heroic — for they are, after all,
heroic — assassinations of the student Sandt and Charlotte
Corday. What a perfect abrogation of self did these acts
evince ! what consummate devotion to a cause ! Deeply
as we may condemn the horrid nature of the crime, it
would be a great error to class these men with vulgar
criminals, or deny to them the motives at least of some-
thing great.'
I am not able— were I even disposed — to repeat all the
ingenious arguments by which the marchesa supported
her opinion, nor the instances she so readily adduced in
CON CREGAN 617
support of it. She became highly excited by the theme,
and soon, by the eloquence of her words, and the fascina-
tions of her manner, enchained the whole company in a
mute attention around her.
It was just as she concluded a very animated and
glowing description of that condition of the human mind,
when by a volcanic effort, as it were, the long-buried
flames burst forth, to scatter ruin and destruction on
every side, that a young officer entered the cabin, and
stood fascinated by the powers of her fervid eloquence.
'Well, Mr. Hardy,' said the captain, recalling the
youth's attention to duty, 'have you been on board of
her ?'
' Yes, sir ; she is an English yacht, the Firefly, and her
late owner was an English baronet, whose name I have
written down in my pocket-book.'
The captain took the note-book from the young officer's
hand, and, after reading the name, said, ' If I mistake not,
this is the same person that once was so well known in
London life. Most of the present company must have
heard of the rich and eccentric Sir Dudley Broughton.'
A low groan broke from me, and I turned my eyes
slowly and stealthily towards the end of the table where
the marchesa sat. Not a word, not the faintest sound,
had issued from her lips ; but she sat motionless, her lips
slightly parted, and her eyes staring straight before her.
The pallor of her features was that of death itself; and,
indeed, the rigid contour of the cheeks, and the firm
tension of the muscles, gave no evidence of life.
' You are ill, Madame la Marchesa,' said a gentleman
who sat beside her ; but as she made no reply, several now
turned towards her, to press their attentions and suggest
advice. She never spoke ; indeed she seemed not to hear
them, but sat with her head erect, and her arms rigidly
stretched out on either side, motionless as a statue.
The shocking incident that had occurred, and the
discussion which followed it, were sufficient to account
618 THE CONFESSIONS OF CON CREGAN
for this sudden attack in one whose nervous tempera-
ment was so finely strung ; but as she showed no signs of
recovering consciousness, nor gave the slightest indication
of rallying, it was decided at once that she should be
conveyed to shore, where in her own house medical aid
might be had recourse to.
I was one of those who assisted to carry her to the
boat, and sat beside her afterwards and held her hand in
mine, but she never recognised me; her hand, too, was
cold and clammy, and the fingers felt rigid and cramped.
The stern impressive look of her features, the cold stare of
her fixed eyes, were terrible to behold — far more so than
even the workings of mere bodily sufferings.
During the passage to the shore, at the landing itself,
and on our way to the Palazzo, she remained in the same
state, nor did she ever evince any trait of consciousness
till she reached the foot of the great staircase, where a
crowd of servants, in the richest liveries, awaited to offer
their services. Then suddenly she moved her head from
side to side, regarding the crowd with a glance of wild and
terrific meaning; she raised her hand to her brow, and
passed it slowly across her forehead. For an instant it
seemed as if the lethargic paroxysm was about to pass
away, for her features softened into a look of calm but
melancholy beauty. This, too, glided away, and her
mouth settled into a hard and rigid smile. It was the
last change of all — for she had become an idiot !
From that hour forth she never spoke again ; she never
knew those about her, neither missing them while absent
nor recognising them when they reappeared. She had
none of the childish wilfulness of others in her sad con-
dition, nor did she show the likings and dislikings they
usually manifest ; and thus she lingered on to her death.
Of her secret I was the sole depositary, and from that
hour to this in which I write, it has never escaped my lips.
CONCLUSION
HAD few inducements to prolong my stay at
Naples. The society in which I moved had received a
shock so terrible that for some time, at least, it could
not hope to recover, and an air of gloom and despond-
ency prevailed, where so lately all had worn the livery
of pleasure.
I made my farewell visit, therefore, at the court, and
the various embassies, and set out for Paris. This time,
grown wiser by experience, I did not seek to astonish the
world by any gorgeous display of my riches. I travelled
with but two carriages — one of which contained my
luggage; the other, a light coupe, I occupied alone. My
route lay through Rome and Florence, across the Apen-
nines to Milan, and thence, by the glorious scenery of the
Spleiigen, into Switzerland ; but I saw little of the varied
scenes through which I journeyed. My whole thoughts
were engaged upon the future.
I had once more won the great prize in the world's
620 THE CONFESSIONS OF
lottery, and I never ceased catechising myself in what way
I should exercise my power.
From what I had already observed of life, the great
mistake of rich men seemed to me their addiction to some
one pursuit of pleasure, which gradually gained an undue
ascendency over their minds, and exercised, at last, an
unwonted degree of tyranny. The passion for play, the
love of pictures, the taste for company-seeing, the sports
of the field, and so on, ought never to be allowed any
paramount place, or used as pursuits; all these things
should be simply employed as means of obtaining an
ascendency over other men, and of exercising that sway
which is never denied to success.
Some men are your slaves because your cook is
unrivalled, or your cellar incomparable ; others look up
to you because your equipages exhibit an elegance with
which none can vie, because your thoroughbreds are
larger, show more bone, and carry the highest condition.
Others, again, revere you for your Van Dycks and your
Titians, your Rembrandts and Murillos, your illuminated
missals, your antique marbles. To every section of
society you can exhibit some peculiar and special tempta-
tion, which, in their blind admiration, they refer to as an
attribute of yourself. Your own fault is it if they ever
discover their error ! The triumphs of Raphael and
Velasquez shed a reflected light upon him who possesses
them ; and so of each excellence that wealth can purchase.
You stand embodied in the exercise of your taste, and in
your own person receive the adulation which greatness
and genius have achieved.
To accomplish this, however, requires infinite tact and
a great abrogation of self. All individuality must be
merged, and a new character created, from the disjecta
membra of many crafts and callings.
To have any one inordinate passion is to betray a weak
spot in one's armour, of which cunning will soon take
advantage. Such were among my meditations as I rolled
CON CREGAN 621
along towards Paris; and so long as I journeyed along,
with no other companionship than my own thoughts,
these opinions appeared sage and well reasoned ; but how
soon were they routed as I drove into that gorgeous
capital, and saw the full tide of its pleasure-loving
inhabitants, as it rolled proudly past ! How vain to
reason farther upon the regulation of a life to which
wealth set no limits ! how impossible to restrain one's self
within the barriers of cold prudential thought, where all
was to be had for asking !
Ah, Con, your philosophy was excellent while, sitting
in the corner of your cowpS, you rolled along unnoticed,
save by the vacant stare of some vigneron in a blue cotton
nightcap, or some short-legged wench in wooden sabots ;
but, now that you stand in the window of your great hotel
in the Place Vendome, and see the gathering crowd, which
inquires — who is the illustrious arrival ? your heart begins
to beat quicker and fuller ; you feel like a great actor, for
whom the house is already impatient ; nor is the curtain
to remain longer down. You are scarcely an hour in
Paris when your visitors begin to call. Here are cards
without number — officers in high command, courtiers,
ministers, and aides-de-camp of those whose rank precludes
the first visit. The ' place ' is like a fair, with its crush of
equipages — the hotel is actually besieged. Every language
of Europe is heard within its porte cochere, and your
own chasseur is overwhelmed with questionings, enough
to drive him distracted.
Is it any wonder how the poor man adulates wealth,
when those in high station— the great and titled of the
earth — are so ready to worship and revere it ?
My first care was, of course, to present myself before
the prince, my gracious master, and I drove at once to the
Tuileries. There was a reception that morning by the
king, and the Due de St. Cloud led me forward, and
presented me to his Majesty, with a very eulogistic
account of my services in Africa.
622 THE CONFESSIONS OF
The king listened most graciously to the narrative, and
then, with a cordial courtesy that at once put me at my
ease, asked me several questions about my campaigns, all
ingeniously contrived to be complimentary to me.
'Yours is not originally a Spanish family, count; I
fancy the name is Celtic'
' Yes, sire, we came from Ireland,' said I, blushing in
spite of myself.
' Ah, very true. There was always a great interchange
of races between the two nations. And have you never
tried to trace back, among your Irish ancestors, so as to
learn who are the lineal descendants of your house ?'
' I have been hitherto, sire, rather a man of action than
of thought or reflection. To obtain possession of a
property belonging to my family, I undertook a journey
to, and a long residence in, Mexico ; and although success-
ful in this, a subsequent misfortune deprived me of all I
owned, and left me actually in want. The good fortune
which led me to take service under your Majesty has,
however, never deserted me, and I am enabled once again
to assume the station that belonged to me.'
The king heard me with apparent pleasure, and after
a few generalities about Paris and my acquaintances,
said, ' His Royal Highness the Due de St. Cloud has asked
me to appoint you on my personal staff. There is not at
the present a vacancy, but you shall be named as an extra
aide-de-camp in the meanwhile.'
Overwhelmed by this distinction, I could only bow my
gratitude in silence, and with an air and show of great
devotion I retired from the royal presence. Thus did
proper feeling suggest the truest politeness ; for had I
been more assured, the chances were I should have
endeavoured to say something, and consequently com-
mitted a very grievous breach of etiquette.
The following day I received an invitation to dine at
Court. The company was numerous, and among them I
discovered the young English attache who had so insolently
CON CREGAN 623
treated my demands on my first visit to Paris. With what
sovereign contempt did I now look down upon him ! He
was there exactly as I left him, muddling away in the
petty details of his little routine life — signing a passport
or copying a despatch — playing off the airs of grand
seigneur to couriers and laquais de place, while in the
same time I had won honours and rewards upon the field
of battle, and now stood while the prince leaned upon my
arm and chatted familiarly over the assembled company.
Nothing gave me a more confident sense of my own stand-
ing in the world than the feeling with which I now
regarded those whom once I looked up to with a kind of
awe. It is precisely as we discover that the hills which, in
childhood, we believed to be gigantic mountains, are mere
hillocks, that in after-life we find out how indescribably
small are many of those we used to think of as ' high and
mighty.'
I therefore sneered down at my poor attache, and as I
passed him, I believe I even suffered my sabre to jar
against his leg, not without hoping that he might notice
the slight and seek satisfaction for it. In this I was
disappointed, and I left him, never to trouble my head
more about him.
Among the pleasures which awaited me in Paris, none
gave me more sincere satisfaction than the renewal of my
acquaintance with De Minerale, who, however, could never
believe that my good fortune was other than some lucky
accident of my African campaign.
' Come — out with it,' he would say. ' You robbed a
" Smala " — you pillaged a " Deira," or something of the
sort. Tell me frankly how it was, and on my honour
I '11 never print it till you 're dead and gone. In fact,
if you persist in refusing, I'll give you to the world
with name in full. I '11 describe you as a fellow that
picked up a treasure in some small island of the
Mediterranean, and turned millionaire after being a
pirate.'
624 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'Put me down for fifty copies of the book,' said I,
laughing; 'I'm rich enough now to encourage the small
fry of literature.'
Thus did we often jest with each other, and we met
continually ; for when not invited out myself, I gave
entertainments at home, at which I assembled various
members of that artistic set in which I had once moved
— a very different order of society from that in which
I mixed in Naples, and, I am free to own, with far less
claim to real agreeability. The ' wits by profession ' were
not only less natural than the smart people of society,
but they wearied you by the exactions of their drollery.
Not to laugh at the sorriest jest was to discredit the jester,
and the omission became a serious thing when it touched
a man's livelihood. In fact, from first to last, in whatever
country I have lived, I have ever found that the best
— that is, the highest society — was always the most
agreeable, as well as the most profitable. Its forms were
not alone regulated upon the surest basis of comfort, but
its tone ever tended to promote whatever was pleasurable,
and exclude everything that could hurt or offend. Your
great aristocrats are very democratic in a drawing-room —
professing and practising the most perfect equality ; while
your ' rights of man ' and ' popular sovereignty advocate '
insists upon always being the king of his company.
Forgive this digression, my dear reader, if for nothing
else than because it shall be the last time of my
offending.
I had now enjoyed myself at Paris about two months,
during which time, having most satisfactorily arranged all
my monetary matters, and — besides having a considerable
sum in the English funds — I found myself down in the
' Grand Livre ' for a couple of million of francs — a feature
which made me a much-caressed individual in that new
social order just then springing up, called the ' financiere '
class, one which, if with few claims to the stately manners
of the ' Faubourg,' numbered as many pretty women, and
CON CREGAN 625
as agreeable ones as could be found anywhere. Had I been
matrimonially disposed, this set would certainly have been
dangerous ground for me — the attentions which beset me
being almost like adulation. The truth was, however,
Donna Maria had left an impression which comparison
with others did not efface. I felt, if I were to marry, it
might as well be for high rank and family influence, since
I never could do so for love. My nobility required a little
strengthening, nor was there any easier or more efficient
mode of supporting it than by an alliance with some of
those antiquated houses who, with small fortunes but
undiminished pride, inhabited the solitudes of the 'Fau-
bourg St. Germain.' I cannot afford space here to recount
my adventures in that peaceful and deserted quarter,
whose amusements ranged between masses and tric-trac
— where Piety and Pope Joan divided the hours. The
antiquity of my family and the pureness of my Castilian
blood had been the pretensions which obtained admission
for me into these sacred precincts, and there, I must say,
everything seemed old and worn out : the houses, the
salons, the furniture, the masters, servants, horses,
carriages — all were as old as the formalities and the
opinions they professed.
Even the young ladies had got a premature cast of
seriousness that took away every semblance of juvenility.
Whether from associating with them, or that I had
voluntarily conformed to the staid Puritanism of their
manners, I cannot say, but my other acquaintances began
to quiz and rally me about my ' legitimist ' air, and even
said that the change had been remarked at Court.
This was an observation that gave me some uneasiness,
and I hastened off to the Due de St. Cloud, whose kindness
had always admitted me to the most open intercourse.
' It is quite true, Creganne,' said he, ' we all remarked
that you were coquetting with the vieux — the old ones
of the Faubourg — and although / had never any misgivings
about you, others were less charitable.'
626 THE CONFESSIONS OF
' What is to be done then ? ' said I, in my distress at the
bare thought of seeming ungrateful.
' I '11 tell you,' said he ; ' there 's the post of secretary
of embassy just vacant at Madrid ; your knowledge of
the language, and your Spanish blood, admirably fit you
for the mission. Shall I ask for it in your behalf ? '
I could scarcely speak for gratitude. I was longing for
some charge — some public station that would give me a
recognised position as well as wealth.
The ' Due ' hurried from the room, and after an absence
of half an hour came back, laughing, to say — 'This was
quite a brilliant idea of mine, for the Minister of Foreign
Affairs was just in conversation with the king, and, seeing
that they were both in good-humour, and discussing the
Madrid mission, I even asked for the post of ambassador
for you — ay, and what 's better, obtained it too.'
I could not believe my ears as I heard these words, and
the prince was obliged to repeat his tidings ere I could
bring myself to credit them. ' And now for a little plan of
my own,' resumed he : ' I am about to make a short visit to
England, and, better still, to Ireland. You must accom-
pany me. Of course I travel incog., which means that
my real rank will be known to all persons in authority,
but, avoiding all state and parade, I shall be able to see
something of that remarkable country of which I have
heard so much.'
I acknowledged a degree of curiosity to the full as great,
but bewailed my ignorance of the language as a great
drawback to the pleasures of the journey.
' But you do know a little English,' said the prince.
' Not a word,' said I coolly. ' When a child, I believe I
could speak it fluently — so I have heard ; but since that
period I have utterly forgotten all about it.' This may
seem to have been a gratuitous fiction on my part, but it
was not so ; and, to prove it, I must tell the reader a little
incident which was running in my mind at that moment.
A certain Tipperary gentleman, whose name is too familiar
CON CREGAN 627
for me to print, once called upon a countryman in Paris, and
after ringing stoutly at the bell, the door was opened by a
very smartly dressed maid, whose grisette cap and apron
immediately seemed to pronounce her to be French. ' Est
Capitaine — est Monsieur O'Shea ici ? ' asked he, in consider-
able hesitation.
' Oh, sir ! you 're English,' exclaimed the maid, in a very
London accent.
'Yes, my little darlin', I was asking for Captain
O'Shea.'
' Ah, sir, you 're Irish ! ' said she, with a very significant
fall of the voice. ' So,' as he afterwards remarked, ' my
French showed that I was English, and my English that I
was Irish.'
Now, although my French would have passed muster
from Cannes to Caen, my English had something of the
idiomatic peculiarity of the gentleman just alluded to, and
were I only to speak once in Ireland, I must be inevitably
detected. There was then no choice for it; I must even
consent to talk through an interpreter — a rather dull
situation for a man about to ' tour it ' in Ireland !
As the prince's journey was a secret in Paris, our
arrangements were made with great caution and des-
patch. We travelled down to Boulogne with merely
one other companion, an old Colonel Demannais, who
had been for some years a prisoner in England, and
spoke English fluently, and with only three servants;
there was nothing in our cortege betraying the rank
of his Royal Highness.
Apartments had been prepared for us at Mivart's, and
we dined each day at the French Embassy — going to the
Opera in the evening, and sight-seeing all the forenoon,
like genuine 'country cousins.' The Court was in Scot-
land ; but even had it been in London, I conclude that the
prince would have been received in some mode which
should not have attracted publicity.
Ten days sufficed for ' town,' and we set out for Ireland,
628 THE CONFESSIONS OF
to visit which his Royal Highness was all impatience and
eagerness.
Never can I forget the sensations with which I landed
on that shore, which, about a dozen years before, I had
quitted barefooted and hungry! Was the change alone
in me, or what had come over the objects to make them
so very different from what they once were ? The hotel
that I remembered to have regarded as a kind of palace,
where splendour and profusion prevailed, seemed now
dirty and uncared for, the waiters slovenly, the landlord
rude, the apartments mean, and the food detestable ! The
public itself, as it paraded on the pier, was not that
gorgeous panorama I once saw there — the mingled
elegance and fashion I used to regard with such eyes of
wonderment and envy. What had become of them?
Good looks there were, and in abundance — for Irish
women will be pretty, no matter what changes come
over the land ; but the men ! good lack, what a strange
aspect did they present ! Without the air of fashion you
see in Paris, or that more strongly marked characteristic
of style and manliness the parks of London exhibit, here
were displayed a kind of swaggering self-sufficiency,
whose pretension was awfully at variance with the
mediocrity of their dress, and the easy jocularity that
leered from their eyes. Some were aquatics, and wore
Jersey shirts and frocks, loose trousers, and low shoes;
but they overdid their parts, and lounged like Tom Cooke
in a sea-piece.
Others appeared as eUgans, and were even greater
burlesques on the part. It was quite clear, however,
that these formed no portion of the better classes of
the capital, and so I hastened to assure the prince, whose
looks bespoke very palpable disappointment.
In Dublin, however, the changes were greater than I
expected. It was not alone that I had seen other and
greater capitals, where affluence and taste abound, and
where, while the full tide of fashion sets 'in' in one
CON CREGAN 629
quarter, the still more exciting course of activity and
industry flows along in another ; but here an actual decline
had taken place in the appearance of everything. The
shops, the streets, the inhabitants, all looked in disrepair.
There were few carriages, nothing deserving the name
of equipage — none of that stir and movement which
characterise a capital. It all looked like a place where
people dwelt to wear out their old houses and old garments,
and to leave both behind them when no longer wearable ;
windows mended with paper, pantaloons patched with
party-coloured cloth, 'shocking bad hats,' mangy car-
drivers, and great troops of beggars of every age and
walk of mendicancy, were met with even in the best
quarters ; and with all these signs of poverty and decay,
there was an air of swaggering recklessness in every one
that was particularly striking. All were out of temper
with England and English rule; and 'Ireland for the
Irish ' was becoming a popular phrase. The strangest of
all was, however, that nobody seemed to have died or
left the place since I remembered it as a boy. There went
the burly barrister down Bachelor's Walk, with the same
sturdy stride I used to admire of yore — his cheek a little
redder, his presence somewhat more portly, perhaps, but
with the self-same smile with which he then cajoled the
jury; and that imposing frown with which he repelled
the freedom of a witness. There were the same civic
magistrates, the same attorneys, dancing - masters ; ay,
even the dandies had not been replaced, but were the old
crop, sadly running to seed, and marvellously ill-cared for.
Even the Castle officials were beautifully consistent,
and true to their old traditions ; they were as empty and
insolent as ever. It was the English pale performed over
again at the Upper Castle Yard, and all without its limits
were the kerns and ' wild Irish ' of centuries ago.
How is a craft like this ever to take the sea, thought
I, with misery and mutiny everywhere! with six feet of
water in the hold, the crew are turning out for higher
13 2 s
630 THE CONFESSIONS OF
wages, and ready to throw overboard the man who
counsels them to put a hand to the pump !
But what had I to do with all this ? nor would I allude
to it here, save to mention the straits and difficulties
which beset me, to account for changes that I had never
anticipated.
We dined everywhere, from that viceregal palace in
a swamp, to the musty halls of the chief secretary in the
Castle. We partook of a civic feast, a picnic at the water-
fall ; we had one day with the military ! and here, by the
way, I recognised an old acquaintance of other days, the
Hon. Captain De Courcy. He was still on the staff, and
still constant to his ancient flame, who, with a little
higher complexion, and more profuse ringlets — it is
strange how colour and hair go on increasing with years
— looked pretty much what I remembered her of yore.
' You had better wait for your groom, Mons. le Comte,'
said De Courcy to me at the review, as I was dismounting
to speak to some people in the crowd of carriages. ' Don't
trust those fellows. I once had a valuable mare stolen by
one of those vagrants, and, what was worse, the rascal
rode her at a steeplechase the same day.'
' Pas possible /' exclaimed I, at the bare thought of such
an indignity. ' What became of the young villain ? '
'I forget now, whether I let him off, or whether he
was publicly whipped ; but I am certain he never came to
good.'
I felt a flush of anger rise to my cheek at this speech,
but I checked my passion ; and well I might, as I thought
upon my own condition and upon his. To have expended
any interest or sympathy as to the boy, besides, would
have been absurd, and I was silent. Among our invita-
tions was one to the house of a baronet, who resided in
a midland county, only a few miles from my native place.
We arrived at night at Knockdangan Castle, an edifice
of modern Gothic style, which means a marvellously
expensive residence, rendered almost uninhabitable} by
CON CREGAN 631
the necessity of having winding stairs, narrow corridors,
low ceilings, and pointed windows. The house was full
of company, the greater part of whom had arrived un-
expectedly ; still, our reception was everything that
genial hospitality could dictate. One of the drawing-
rooms had been already converted into a kind of barrack-
room, with half-a-dozen beds in it ; and now the library
was to be devoted to the prince, while a small octagon
tower leading off it, about the size and shape of a tea-tray,
was reserved for me. If these arrangements were
attended with inconvenience, certainly nothing in the
manner of either host or hostess showed it. They, and
their numerous family of sons and daughters, seemed to
take it as the most natural thing in life to be thrown into
disorder, to accommodate their friends; not alone their
friends, but their friends' friends ; for so proved more than
half of the present company. Several of ' the boys,' mean^
ing the sons of the host, slept at houses in the neighbour-
hood ; one actually bivouacked in a little temple in the
garden. There seemed no limit to the contrivances of our
kind entertainers, either in the variety of the plans for
pleasure, or the hearty good-nature with which they
concurred in any suggestion of the guests. All that
Spanish politeness expresses, as a phrase, was here re-
duced to actual practice. Everything was at the disposal
of the stranger. Not alone was he at liberty to ride, drive,
fish, shoot, hunt, boat, or course at will — but all his hours
were at his own disposal ; and his liberty unfettered, even
as to whether he dined in his own apartment, or joined
the general company. Nothing that the most courteous
attention could provide was omitted, at the same time
that the most ample freedom was secured to all. Here*
too, was found a tone of cultivation that would have
graced the most polished society of any European capital.
Foreign languages were well understood and spoken ;
music practised in its higher walks ; drawing cultivated
with a skill rarely seen out of the hands of professed
632 THE CONFESSIONS OF
masters; subjects of politics and general literature were
discussed with a knowledge and a liberality that bespoke
the highest degree of enlightenment; while to all these
gifts the general warmth of native character lent an
indescribable charm of kindliness and cordiality, that
left none a stranger who spent even twelve hours beneath
their roof.
The prince was in ecstasies with everything and every
one, and he himself no less a favourite with all. Every
fall he got in hunting made him more popular; every
misadventure that occurred to him, in trying to conform
to native tastes, gave a new grace and charm to his
character. The ladies pronounced him ' a love ' ; and the
men, in less polished, but not less hearty encomium, called
him ' a devilish good fellow for a Frenchman.'
The habits I have already alluded to, of each guest
living exactly how he pleased, gave a continual novelty
to the company ; sometimes two or three new faces would
appear at the dinner-table, or in the drawing-room, and
conjecture was ever at work whether the last arrivals had
been yet seen, and who were they who presented them-
selves at table ?
' You will meet two new guests to-day, count,' said the
host one day, as we entered the drawing-room before
dinner : ' a Spanish bishop and his niece — a very charming
person, and a widow of nineteen ! They came over to
Ireland about some disputed question of property — being
originally Irish by family — and are now, I regret to say,
about to return to Spain in a few days. Hitherto a severe
cold has confined the bishop to his chamber ; and his niece,
not being, I fancy, a proficient in any but her native
language, had not courage to face a miscellaneous party.
They will both, however, favour us to-day ; and, as
you are the only one here who can command the
" true Castilian tongue," you will take the countess in to
dinner.'
I bowed my acknowledgments, not sorry to have the
CON CREGAN 633
occasion of displaying my Spanish, and playing the agree-
able to my fair countrywoman.
The drawing-room each day before dinner had no other
light than that afforded by a great fire of bog deal, which,
although diffusing a rich and ruddy glow over all who sat
within the circle around it, left the remainder of the
apartment in comparative darkness; and few, except
those very intimate, were able to recognise each other
in the obscurity. Whether this was a whim of the host,
or a pardonable artifice to make the splendour of the
well-lighted dinner-table more effective, on the principle
of orators, who begin at a whisper to create silence, I
know not, but we used to jest over the broken shins and
upset spider tables, that each day announced the entrance
of some guest, less familiarised to the geography of the
apartment.
On this particular occasion the party was unusually
large; possibly a certain curiosity to see the new guests
had added to the number, while some of the neighbouring
families were also present. Various were the new names
announced; and at last came the bishop, with the lady
of the house upon his arm, the young widow following
with one of the daughters of the house. I could only
distinguish a very white head, with a small black skull-
cap, a stooping figure, and a great gold cross, which, I
concluded, represented the holy man ; something in black,
with a very long veil descending from the back of her
head, being as evidently the niece.
A few formal introductions were gone through in clever
pantomime, dinner was announced, and the company paired
off in all stateliness, while the host, seizing my arm, led
me across the room, and in a few words presented me
to the fair widow, who curtsied and accepted my arm,
and away we marched in that solemn procession by which
people endeavoured to thaw the ice of first acquaintance.
• Your first visit to Ireland, I believe, seiihora ? ' said I,
in Spanish, wishing to say something as we walked along.
634 THE CONFESSIONS OF
'Yes, senhor, and yours also, I understand?' replied
she.
' Not exactly,' muttered I, taken too suddenly to recover
myself, 'when I was a boy, a mere child' — I here by
accident employed a Mexican word almost synonymous
with the French word 'gamin' — she started, and said
eagerly, ' How ! you have been in Mexico ? '
'Yes, senhora, I have passed some years in that
country.'
'I am a Mexican,' cried she delightedly. 'Tell me,
where have you travelled, and whom did you know
there ! '
'I have travelled a good deal, but scarcely knew any
one,' replied I. ' At Gruajuaqualla '
'Oh, were you there? — my own neighbourhood — my
home,' exclaimed she fervidly.
' Then, probably, you know Don Estaban Olares,' said I,
' My own father ! '
I turned round ; our eyes met ; it was just at the very
entrance of the dinner-room, where a blaze of light was
shed on everything, and there upon my arm — her hand
trembling, her cheek colourless, and her eyes swimming
in tears — was Donna Maria ! Neither of us spoke — neither
of us could speak ! — and while her eyes wandered from my
face to the several decorations I wore upon my breast, and
I watched with agonising intensity the look of terror she
threw down the table towards the place where her uncle
was seated, I saw plainly that some painful mystery was
struggling within her mind.
'Do not let my uncle recognise you,' said she, in a
low whisper; 'he is not likely to do so, for both his
sight and hearing are much impaired.'
' But why should I not claim him as an old acquaintance,
if not a friend, senhora, if he be the same Fra Miguel ? '
' Hush, be cautious,' cried she ; ' I will tell you all to-
morrow — to-night, if there be a fitting opportunity. Let
us talk of something else, or we shall be remarked.'
The m-n.tu.al recognition,
CON CREGAN 635
I tried my best to obey her, but I fear my attempt
was a poor one; I was able, however, to listen to her
with a certain amount of composure, and while doing
so, to remark how much she had improved in grace and
beauty since we met. Years had developed the charms
which girlhood then but shadowed forth, and in the full
and liquid softness of her dark and long-lashed eyes,
and the playful delicacy of her mouth, I saw how a
consciousness of fascination had served to lend new
powers of pleasing.
She spoke to me of her widowhood without any
affectation of feeling grieved or sorry. So long as Don
Geloso had lived, her existence had been like that of a
nun in a cloister; he was too jealous to suffer her to go
into the world, and save at the Court Chapel each
morning and evening, she never saw anything of that
brilliant society in which her equals were moving. When
her uncle was created Bishop of Seville, she removed to
that city to visit him, and had never seen her husband
after. Such, in few words, was the story of a life, whose
monotony would have broken the spirit of any nature
less buoyant and elastic than her own. Don Estaban was
dead; and of him she spoke with deep and affectionate
feeling, betraying besides that her own lot was rendered
almost a friendless one by the bereavement.
That same evening, as we walked through the rooms,
examining pictures and ancient armour, of which our host
was somewhat vain, I learned the secret to which the
senhora had alluded at table, and divesting which of all
the embarrassment the revelation occasioned herself, was
briefly this : The fra, who had never, for some reasons of
his own, either liked or trusted me, happened to discover
some circumstances of my earlier adventures in Texas,
and even traced me in my rambles to the night of my duel
with the ranchero. Hence he drew the somewhat rash
and ungenerous conclusion that my character was not so
unimpeachable as I affected, and that my veracity was
636 THE CONFESSIONS OF
actually open to question ! An active correspondence had
taken place between Don Geloso and himself about me,
in which the former, after great researches, pronounced
that no noble family of my name had existed in old Spain,
and that, in plain fact, I was nothing better than an im-
postor ! In this terrible delusion the old gentleman died,
but so fearful was he of the bare possibility of injuring
one in whose veins flowed the pure blood of Castile, that
on his death-bed he besought the bishop to ascertain the
fact to a certainty, and not to desist in the investigation
till he had traced me to my birth, parentage, and country.
Upon this condition he had bequeathed all his fortune
to the Church, and not alone all his own wealth, but all
Donna Maria's also.
The bishop's visit to Ireland, therefore, had no other
object than to look for my baptismal certificate — an in-
vestigation, I need scarcely say, somewhat difficult and
intricate !
Of course, in this confession, the fair countessa never
hesitated to regard me as an injured and calumniated
individual: but so assured was she of the bishop's desire
to endow the Church with her wealth, that he would have
less brooked to discover me a noble of title and rank in-
disputable, than to find me a poor and ignoble adventurer.
'Were he but to recognise you,' said she, '/ should be
condemned to a nunnery for life ! ' and this terror, however
little startling to my ears, had too much of significance to
her mind to be undervalued.
Of course my present position — the companionship of
the prince — the foreign orders I wore, were more than
sufficient to accredit me to her as anything I pleased to
represent myself ; but somehow I felt little inclination for
that vein of fiction in which so often and so largely I had
indulged. For the first time in my life I regarded this
flow of invention as a treachery! and, when pressed by
her to relate the full story of my life, I limited myself to
that period which, beginning with my African campaign,
CON CREGAN 637
brought Hie down to the moment of telling I was in love.
Such is the simple solution of the mystery ; nor can I cite
a more convincing evidence of the ennobling nature of the
passion, than that it made me, such as I was, tenacious of
the truth.
Every succeeding day brought me into closer intimacy
with the sefihora, and taught me more and more to value
her for other graces than those of personal beauty. The
seclusion in which she had passed her last few years
had led her to cultivate her mind by a course of study
such as few Spanish women ever think of, and which
gave an almost serious character to a nature of more
than childlike buoyancy. We talked of her own joyous
land, to which she seemed longing to return, and of our
first meeting beside the Rio Colorado, and then of our
next meeting on her own marriage day, and she wondered
where, if ever, we should see each other again ! The
opportunity was not to be lost. I pressed her hand to my
lips, and asked her never to leave me ! I told her that, for
me, country had no ties — that I had neither home nor
kindred. I would, at that moment, have confessed every-
thing, even to my humble birth ! I pledged myself to live
with her amidst the sierras of the far west, or, if she liked
better, in some city of the old world. I told her that I was
rich, and that I needed not that wealth of which her
uncle's covetousness would rob her. In fact, I said a great
deal that was true, and when I added anything that was
not so, it was simply as painters introduce a figure with a
' bit of red,' to heighten the landscape. I will not weary
my fair reader with all the little doubts, and hesitations,
and fears, so natural for her to experience and express ;
nor will I tire my male companion by saying how I
combated each in turn. Love, like a lawsuit, has but
one ritual. First comes the declaration — usually a pretty
unintelligible piece of business in either case ; then come
the ' affidavits,' the sworn depositions ; then follow the
cross-examinations; after which, the charge and the
638 THE CONFESSIONS OF
verdict. In my case it was a favourable one, and I was
almost out of my senses with delight.
The bishop, with whom my acquaintanceship had never
betrayed my secret, was to leave Ireland in a few days, and
the prince, to whom I told everything, with the kindness
of a true friend, promised that he would take the very
same day for his own departure. The remainder we were
to leave to fortune. Love-making left me little time for
any other thoughts ; but still as, for appearance' sake, I
was obliged to pass some hours of every day apart from
Donna Maria, I took the occasion of one of these forced
absences to visit a scene which had never quitted my mind
through all the changeful fortunes of my life — the little
spot where I was born. Rising one morning at break of
day, I set out for Horseleap, to see once more, and for the
last time, the humble home of my childhood. The distance
was about sixteen miles ; but as I rode slowly, my mind
full of old memories and reflections, I did not reach the
place till nigh noon. Alas! I should never have known
the spot ! There had been a season of famine and pestilence,
and now the little village was almost tenantless. Many of
the cabins were unroofed : in some, the blackened rafters
bore tokens of fire. The one shop, that used to supply the
humble luxuries of the poor, was closed, and I passed on
with a heavy heart towards the cross-roads where ' Con's
Acre ' lay.
I had not gone far when my eye, straining to catch it,
detected the roof of the cabin rising above the little thorn
hedge that flanked the road. Ay, there was the old stone-
quarry I used to play in as a child, fancying that its granite
sides were mountain precipices, and its little pools were
lakes. There was the gate on which for hours long I have
sat, gazing at the bleak expanse of moorland, and wonder-
ing if all the wide world beyond had nothing more fairer
or more beautiful than this.
' Who lives in that cabin yonder ? ' asked I, of a peasant
on the road.
CON CREGAN 639
The man replied that it was ' the minister ' ; adding his
name, which, however, I could not catch. Long as I had
been away from Ireland, I could not forget that this was
the especial title given to the Protestant clergyman of the
parish, and I rode up to the door wondering how it chanced
that he was reduced to a dwelling of such humble pre-
tensions. An old woman came out as I drew up, and told
me that the curate was from home, but would be back in
Jess than an hour ; requesting me to ' put in my beast,' and
sit down in the parlour till he came.
I accepted the invitation, followed her into the cabin,
which, although in a condition of neatness very different
from what I remembered it of old, brought back all my
boyish days in an instant. There was the fireside, where
with naked feet roasting before the blazing turf, I had sat
and slept full many an hour, dreaming of adventures
which were as nothing to those my real life had met with.
There the corner where I used to sit, throughout the night,
copying those law papers my father would bring back
with him from Kilbeggan. There stood the little bed,
where often I have sobbed myself to sleep, when, wearied
and worn out, I was punished for some trifling omission,
some slight and accidental mistake. I sat down, and
covered my face with my hands, for a sense of my utter
loneliness in the world came suddenly over me ; I felt as if
this poor hovel was my only real home, and that all my
success in life was a mere passing dream.
Meanwhile the old woman, with true native volubility,
was explaining how the bishop — ' bad scran to him !
wouldn't let his riv'rence have pace and ease till he kem
and lived in the parish, though there wasn't a spot fit for
a gentleman in the whole length and breadth of it ! and
signs on it,' added she, ' we had to put up with this little
place here, they call Con's Acre, and it was all a ruin when
we got it.'
And who owned this cabin before ? ' asked I.
' A villain they call Con Cregan, your honour ; the
640 THE CONFESSIONS OF
biggest thief ye ever heard of ; he was paid for inf ormin'
agin the people, and whin the Government had done wid
him, they transported him too ! '
' Had he any children, this same Con ? '
' He had a brat of a boy that was drowned at " say,"
they tell me ; but I 'd never believe it was that way that
Con Cregan's son was to die ! '
I need scarcely remark that I saw no inducement for
prolonging this conversation, wherein all the facts quoted
were already familiar, and all the speculations the reverse
of flattery ; and I was far more agreeably occupied in
discussing the eggs and milk the old lady had placed
before me, when the door opened, and the curate entered.
A deep cavernous cough and a stooped figure, announcing
the signs of some serious chest disease, were all I had time
to observe ; when, with the politeness of a gentleman, he
advanced towards me. The first sound of his voice was
enough, and I cried out, 'Lyndsay! my oldest and best
friend — don't you know me ? '
' I am ashamed to say that I do not,' said he, faltering,
while he still held my hand, and gazed into my face.
'Come here,' said I, leading him to the door, and
pointing to the wide-stretching moor that lay before us ;
'it was there — yonder, where you see that heavy cloud-
shadow stealing along — yonder we first met. Do you
know me now ? '
He started ; his pale cheek grew paler, and he fell upon
my neck in a burst of tears. Who shall ever know the
source, or what the meaning ? They were not of joy, still less
of sorrow — they were the outbreak of a hundred emotions.
Old memories of happy days, never to come back — boyish
triumphs, successes, failures — moments of ecstasy — of
bitter anguish; his own bleak, joyless existence perhaps
contrasting with mine, and then at last the fell conscious-
ness of the malady in which he was but lingering out life.
' And here are you, and here I ! ',. cried he, in a voice
which his faltering accents made scarce intelligible. Then,
CON CREGAN 641
as if his words had conveyed a meaning of which he
was ashamed, he blushed deeply, and said, 'And oh, my
friend ! how truly you told me that life had its path for
each, if we but knew how to choose it.'
I must not say how the hours were passed, nor how it
was nightfall ere either of us guessed it. Lyndsay in-
sisted upon hearing every adventure that had befallen me
since my former encounter with him at Pisa, questioning
me eagerly as I went, how each new feature of prosperity
had 'worked with me,' and whether gold had yet hardened
my heart, and taught me indifference to the poor.
I told him of my love, and with such rapturous delight,
that he even offered to aid me in my object, by marrying
me to Donna Maria ; a piece of generous zeal, I am certain,
that originated less in friendship than in the prospect
of a proselyte — the niece of a bishop, too ! Poor fellow,
he might make many converts if he were thus easily
satisfied.
The next day I drove Donna Maria out for an airing,
and, while occupying her mind with various matters, con-
trived to prolong our excursion to Horseleap. ' What a
dreary spot you have chosen for our drive!' said she,
looking around her.
'Do you see yonder little hut,' said I, 'where the smoke
is rising ? '
' Yes, that poor cabin yonder ! You have not come to
show me that?' said she, laughing.
' Even so, Maria,' said I ; ' to show you that poor and
humble hut, and to tell you that it was there I was born
— a peasant's son ; that from that same lowly roof I
wandered out upon the world friendless and hungry ;
that partly by energy, partly by a resolution to succeed,
partly by the daring determination that would not admit
a failure, I have become what I am — titled, honoured,
wealthy, but still the son of a poor man. I could not
have gone on deceiving you, even though this confession
should separate us for ever.' I could not speak more,
642 THE CONFESSIONS OP CON CREGAN
nor needed I. Her hand had already clasped mine, as she
murmured — ' I am more than ever yours ! '
The company were already waiting dinner ere we
returned to the Castle. 'I have to make our excuses,'
said I, to the hostess ; ' but we prolonged our drive to a
considerable distance.'
' Ah, we feared you might have taken the road by the
lake, where there is no turning back,' said she.
' Exactly, madam ; that is what we did precisely, for we
are married ! '
Need I dwell upon the surprise and astonishment of
this announcement? The bishop — fortunately it was in
Spanish — uttered something very like an oath. The bride
blushed — some of the ladies looked shocked — the men shook
hands with me, and the prince, saluting Donna Maria
with a most hearty embrace, begged to say, ' that the lady
would be very welcomely received in Paris, since it was
the only drawback to my appointment as an ambassador
—that I was unmarried.'
Here I have done — not that my Confessions are ex-
hausted, but that I fear my reader's patience may be; I
may, however, add that this was not the only 'Spanish
marriage' in which I had a share — that my career in
greatness was not less eventful than my life in obscurity,
and that I draw up at this stage, leaving it for the traveller
to say if he should ever care hereafter to journey farther
with me.
THE END
EDINBURGH : T. and A. CONSTABLE, Printers to Her Majesty