Sea ea SP ree eee by Sh Seca eran: ge WS S Se Sh BE NS N X J Sots N AN Siceer, | x ful. a) oaeth littol , GMofley ited, c D Of St harvacle? 0; Old at 2thel the: LT 7 Le Wille Mot ek a maw as rare “bd. > et et ES te had 9 > a all 5 ile i fs: Te a eo ee eae a eS of Pei ee ae : a) i iy | Joe Miller's JESTS OPRe TE EE Wits Vade-Mecum.| | BEING ‘ j : q A: Collection of the moft Brillant Jes TH the moft. excellent Bons Mors; and molt pleafar, fhort Srorres in the Engli/e Language; many ( 0 them tranfcribed from the Mouth of the Facetiou, GENTLEMAN, whole Name they bear. { To which are added, ‘| i ; , ai Choice Collections of MoraLSENTENCE q 4} And of the moft pointed and truly valuable | E:P*1-G RAM 8 in the Bairisy Tongue * With the Names of the Authors to fuch as are known, Moft humbly Inscrisep et To thofe Cuorce-Spirits of the AGE His Majefty’s Poet, Mr. Cornry Creger ; His Holinets’s Poet, Mr. Popz; Mr. Orator Hen. LEY; Mr. Ancient Prisror, Davin Garric | CHarLEs Macxttn, Comedians ; and Jos Baxer, the Kettle-Drummer. ‘f ‘ 7} | The Stventu Epirion, with large AppiT1ons, | ; | _ Lonpvow: Printed forT. Rea p, in Dignuel! Coarhy ea ite-Fryers, Fleet-freet, Moccxuty. Bg Ratan i mR ‘2 " oe Car P) ? ‘é See Cibber’s Preface ta Provok’d Husband, Joe Miller's JESTS. 7% HE Duke of .7-~7, who was wont to & fay more good Things than any Body, m being behind the Scenes the fit my Night of the Beggar's Opera, and g% meeting old Cibber there, Well, me Colley, faid he, how do you like the Beggar's Opera ? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, reply’d the other, on the Stage; but how will it do in Print? Ob! wery well, Pi anfuer. for it, faid the Duke, if you don’t write a Preface to it.* 2. There being a great Difturbance one Night at Drury-Lane Play-houfe, Mr. Wilks coming upon the Stage to fay fomething to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which, when he had taken up, making a low Bow, with the Orange in his Hand, This is no Civil Orange, I think, faid he. 3. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for ‘his Impudence and Cowardice, happening many Years ago, to have a Quarrel with Mr. Powe/, another Player, teceived from him afmart Box on the Ear; a few Days after, the Poetical Player having loft his Snuff Box, was making ftri€t Enquiry if any Body had . ia B feen ae A CRT ENT AT RTE TTT) * 2) VOReNED LL ER's fs srs: feen his Box. What, faid another of the Theatrieat Punfters, that which George Powel gave you the other rr n, one of the Commiffioners of the Revenue in /reland, being one Night in the Pit at the Play-Houfe in Dublix, Monocca Gall, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and Affurance, ftriding over his Back, he popp’d his Hand under her Petticoats. Nay, Mr. Commiffioner, faid fhe, yee’ l/ find no Goods there but what have been fairly enter’d. 5. In the Reign of Queen Azne, when it was faid the Lord Oxford had got a Number of Peers made at once to ferve a particular Turn, being met the next Day by my Lord Wharton, So, Robin, faid he, I jind what you loft by Tricks, you have gained by Honours. 6. Sir Z. P. once in Parliament, brought in a Bill that wanted fome Amendment, which being not attend- ed to by the Houfe, he frequently repeated, ‘That he thirfted to mend his Bill. Upon which a worthy Mem- ber got up, and faid, Mr. Speaker, L humbly move, fince that Member thirfts fo very much, that be may be allowed zo mend his Draught. ‘This put the Houfe into fuch Good humour, that his Requeft was granted. 7. Acertain Country Squire ask’d a Merry-Andrew, Why he play’d the Fool? For the fame Reafon, faid he, that you do; out of Want: You doit for Want of Wit, and I do it for Want of Money. 8, When the Duke of Ormond was young, and came 4rit to Court, he happen’d to ftand next my Lady Dar- chefier, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Referve on moit Occafions, let a Fart, upon which he look’d her full in the Face and Jaugh’d. What’s the Matter, my Lord? faid fhe: Oh! _ heard it, Madam, reply’d the Duke. You'// make @ a@ fine Courtier, indeed, {aid fhe, if jou mind ewery Thing - you hear in this Place. g. A poor Man who hada termagant Wife, after a long Difpute, in which fhe was refolved to have the laft Word, told her, if fhe {poke one more crooked Word he’d beat her Brains out: Why then, Rams Horns, ats Rogue, faid fhe, if I die for’t. a 3 » ~~ we iam. Oo JORMIT ERE GER’s Jrsts, «a “10. A Gentleman ask’da Lady at Tunbridge, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what fhe would do with .@§n all? Oh! {aid the, they pafs off like the Waters :*And pray, Madam, veply’d the Gentleman, do rhey all pafs the fame Way? 11. An Hackney-Coachman, who was juft fet up, had heard that the Lawyers ufed to club their Three-pence a-piece, four of them, to go to Weftminfter, and being call’d by a Lawyer at Temple-Bar, who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid ta drive to Weftminfler. Hall; but the Coachman ftill hold- ing his Door open, as if he waited for more Company, one of the Gentlemen asked him, Why he did not fhut the Door, and go on? the Fellow, fcratching his Head, cry’d, You know, Majffer, my Fares a Shilling, 1 can’t ga ' for Nine-pence. , 12. Gun Fones, who had made a handfome Fortune from avery mean Beginning, happening to have fome Words with a Perfon who had known him for fome ‘Time, was afked by the other, How he couid have the Impudence to give himfelf fo many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember’d him feven Years before, when he had hardly a Rag to his A You lie, Sirrah, reply’d Fones, for feven Years ago I had na- thing but Rags to my A ; 13. A Gentleman told Betty Carelefs, upon fhewin her Legs, that they were very handfome, and fo ok alike that they muft needs be Zavins : But, indeed, faid fhe, you are miflaken, for [ have had more than one or two either between them. 3 14. A Lady feeing the Sheriff of a County, who,was a very handfome young Gentleman, attending the Judge, who was an old Man ; a Gentleman, ftanding by, ask’d. her which shelik’d beft, the Judge or the Sheriff? The Lady told him,» ‘The Sheriff. Why fo? faid the Gen- tleman. Becaufe, an{wered she, tho I lowe Fudgment quell, I like Execution better. 15. One told another, who did not ufe to be cloathed very often, that his new Coat was too /bort for him; i es ee ee a ~ A JOE MILLE R’s JesTs. That's irue, anfwer’d his Friend, but it will be long enoigh before I get another. >. A certain Lady finding her Husband fomewhat too familiar with her Chamber-maid, turned her away immediately ; Huffy, faid she, I have no Occafion for fuch Slutsas you, only to do that Work which I choofe to do myfelf. 17. Altho’ the Infirmities of Nature are not proper Subjects to be made. a Jeft of, yet when People take a great deal of Pains to conceal what every Body fees, there is nothing more ridiculous: Of this Sort was old Crofi the Player, who being very deaf, did not care that any Body should know it. Honelt Foe Miller going with a Friend one Day along Fleet-fireet, and feeing old Crofs on the other Side the Way, told his Acquaintance he should fee fome Sport, fo beckoning to Cro with his Finger, and ftretching ‘open his Mouth as wide as ever he could, as if he hal- looed to him, tho” he faid-nothing, the old Fellow comes puffing from t’other Side the Way, What a Pox, faid he, do you make fuch a Noife for, do you think one can't bear ? 18. Foe Miller another Day, fitting in the Window at the Suz Tavern in Clare-freet, while the Fish-Woman was pafling by, crying, Buy my Soals, buy my Maids ! Ah! you wicked old Creature, faid Foc, are you not contented to fell your own Soul, but you muft fell your Maia’s too. 19. Sir Wiliam Davenant, the Poet, who had no Noe, going along the Meu/e one Day, a Beggar-Woman follow’d him, crying, Ah! God preferve your Eye-Sight, Sir ; the Lord preferve your Eye-Sight. Why, good Wo- man, faid he, do’ft thou pray fo much for my Eye-Sight ? Ah! dear Sir, anfwered the Woman, if it should pleafe God that you grow dim-fighted, you have no Place to hang your Spectacles on. zo. Aconceited Fellow, who fancy’d himfelf a Poet, ask'd Nat Lee if it was not eafy to writ@like a Madman as he did? No, anfwered Nat, but it is eafy to write like @ Fool as you do.} oka’ a * 21, Colley, who, notwithftanding his Odes, has now gad then faid a good Thing, being told one Night be- hind. > JOE MILLER’s Jists. ¢ hind the Scenes, by the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to. fee him hang’d or beggar’d very foon: By G. d, faid the Laureat, i if I bad your Grace's Politigks _ and Morals, you might expec both. 22\ Seveval Years ago, when Mrs. Rogers, the Player, was young and handfome, Lord North and Grey, remark- able for his homely Face, accofting her one Night be- hind the Scenes, ask’d her, with a Sigh, What was a Cure for Love? Your Lordfbip, {aid she, the bef Z te in the World. 23. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more len desidos walking towards Hampftead on a Summer’s Day, were met by the famous Danie! Purce/, the Punfter, who was very importunate with them to’ know upon what Ac- count they were going thither. The Do&cr merrily anfwering him, Jo make Hay. Very well, reply’d the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Seafon, the Country wants Rakes. 24. A Gentleman was faying one Day at the Tilt: Yard Coffee-houfe, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General Deluge. Zoons, Sir, faid an old Campaigner, who ftood by, Who’s that? T have heard of all the Gezerals in Europe but him. 25. Mother Needham, about 30 Years ago, being much in Arrear with her Landiord for Rent, was warmly prefled by him for his Money: Dear Sir, faid she, how can you be fo prefling at this dead Time of the Year ; in about fix Weeks both the Par---———t and the © nv Cc n will fit, and then Bufinefs will be fo brisk, that I shall be able to pay you ten Times. the Sum. 26. Lord R having loft about fifty Piftoles one Night at the Gaming-Table in Dub/in, fome Friends condoling with him upon his ill Luck, Faith, faid he, I am very well pleafed at what I have done, for I have bit them, by ¢ d, there is not one Piftole that -don’t want Six-pénce of Weight. - 27. A'Traveller coming into the Kitchen of an Inn, > ina-very cold Night, ftood fo clofe to the Fire that he burnt his Boots. Anarch Rogue, who fat in the Chim- ay, Corner, cry’d out to him, Sir, you'll burn. your Bg Spurs 6 jsOE MILLER’s Jzsrs. Spurs prefently, My Boots, you mean, I fuppofe, {aid the Gentleman ? No, Sir, replied the other, they are burnt already. 28. A Conntryman fowing his Ground, two {mart Fellows riding that Way, one of them called to him with an infolent Air: Weil, honeft Fellow, faid he, ’tis your Bufinefs to fow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour. ‘To which the Countryman reply’d, ’Zis very likely you may, truly, for Iam fowins Hemp. 29. Villars, the witty and extravagant Duke of Buck- ingham, in King Charles II. his Time, was faying one Day toSir Robert Viner, in a melancholic Humour, J am afraid, Sir Robert, I fhall die a Beggar at laft, which is the moft terrible Thing in the World: Upon my Word, my Lord, faid Sir Robert, there is another ‘Thing more terrible, which you have Reafon to apprehend, and that is, That you will live a Beggar. 30. The fame noble Duke, another 'Time, was mak- ing his Complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich Miler, of the Diforder of his Affairs, and ask’d him what he thould do to prevent the Ruin of his Eftate? Live as I do, my Lord, {aid Sir Fobn. That I can do, an{wered the Duke, when I am ruined. 31. At another ‘Time, a Perfon who had been a De- pendant on his Grace, begg’d his Jntereft for him at Court ; and to prefs the Thing more Home upon the Duke, faid, He had no Body to depend upon but God and hisGrace. Then, fays the Duke, you are in a miferable Way, for you could not bave pitch'd upon any twa who have Lefs Intereft at Court. 32. ‘Two Free-thinking Authors, faid a certain Book-. feller, when I was alittle low in the World, affured me, if J would print their Works, they would /et me up, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in fix Weeks after I published the firft Thing they fent me, I was fet up indeed — but it was in the Pillory. 33. A lady being asked how she liked a Gentle- man’s Singing; who had a very ftinking Breath? The Words are good, faid she, but the Air is intolerable. 34. The late Mrs. O/dfeld being ask’d if she thought Sir WY and Mrs. H. a, who had both ftinking Breaths, JOE MILLER’s Jests. 7 Breaths, were married : J don’t know, faid she, whether they are married, but I am fure there is a Wedding between them. 35. A Gentleman faying fomething of an ugly Wench, with a red Face, another faid her Face always put him in Mind of Mary-bone Park ; being defired to explain himfelf, he faid, J+ was vaftly rude, aad had not one Bit of Pale about it. 36. A pragmatical young Fellow fitting at Table over- againft the learned Fosn Scot, ask’d him, What Differ- ence there was between Scot and Sot ? Fuft the Breadth of the Table, an{wered the other. 37. Sir Thomas Moor, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife earneftly praying that they might have a Boy, at laft they had a Boy, who, when he came to Man’s Eftate, proved but fimple ; Thou prayedft fo long Jor a Boy, faid Sir Thomas to his Wife, that at laft thou haft got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives. 38. The fame Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being preffed by the Counfel of the Party, for a Lager Day to perform a Decree, faid, Take St. Barnaby’s Day,, Me longeft in the Year; which happened to be the next Week. 39. This famous Chancellor, who preferved his Hu- miour and Wit to the laft Moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the Headfman demanding his Upper-Garment as his Fee ; Ay, Friend, faid he, taking off his Cap, that I think is my Upper-Garment. | 40. The great Algernoon Sidney feem’d to shew as lit- tle Regard at his Death; he had, indeed, got fome Friends to intercede with the King for a Pardon ; but when it was told, that his Majefty could not be prevail’d upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his an- cient and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sen- tence, and only have his Head cut off ; Nav, faid he, if his Majefty is refolved to have my Head, be may make a@ Whiftle of my A—— if he pleafes. 41. Lady C——-——~g, and her two Daughters, hav- ing taken Lodgings at a Leather Breeches Maker’s in Piccadilly, the Sign of the Cock and Leather Breeches, Was — always put to thg Blush when she was obliged to give ei ais . B 4 Body J f Mane 8 JOE MILLER’s Jzsrs. Body Direétions to her Lodgings, the Sign being fo odd ;, upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of a Wo- man, fending for her Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, She lik’d him and his Lodgings very well, bat mutt be forced to quit them on Account of his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any Body what it was. O dear Madam ! faid the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lofe fo good Lodgers, I can eafily alter my Sign: Sol think, reply’d my Lady, and PI tell you ‘how you may fatisfy both me and my Daughters, Only take down your Breeches, and let your Cock ftand. 42. When Rabelais, the greateft Drole in France, lay on his Death-Bed, he could not help jefting at the very Jaft Moment, for having received the extreme Unétion, a Friend coming to fee him, faid, He hoped he was pre-. pared tor the next World: Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, F am ready for my Fourney now, they have juit greafed my Boots. 43. Henry the IV+h of France, reading an oftentatious fnicription on the Monument of a Spani/b Officer, Here dies the Body of Don, ce. (Fe. who never knew what Fear was. ‘Then, faid the King, he never fnufted a Candle with his Fingers. id - 44. A certain Member of the French Academy, who was no great Friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one Day took the Seat that was commonly ufed by the Abbot, and foon after having Occafion to fpeak, and Furetiere being by that Time come in: Here isa Place, faid he, Gentlemen, from whence I am likely to utter athoufand Impertinencies. Go ov, anfwer’d Furetiere, theresone already. 45. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his Great Room, in York. Buildings, for public Orations, that very Room which was lately fo worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Profeffor Lacy, he happened at a ‘Time to be pretty much behind-hand with his Workmen, and coming one Day. among them to fee how they went forward, he ordered one of them et into the Rofrum, and-make a Speech, that he might ob- ferve how it could be heard ; the Fellow mountin , and fcratching his Pate, told him, He knew not what to fay, for in Truth he was no Orator. Oh! faid the Knight, — ; mo 2 3 . JOEMILLER’s Jests. 9 -no Matter for that, fpeak any Thing that comes upper- moft. Why here, Sir Richard, fays the Fellow, we hava beex working for you thefe fix Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money. Pray, Sir, when do you defign to pay us? Very well, very well, faid Sir Richard, pray come’ down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you fpeak very diftinétly, though Idon’t admire your Sub- ject. 46. ACountry Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church, altho’ an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him fome Reproof on that Account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the Clown, I can’t read: I dare fay, faid the Parfon, you don’t know who made you? Not J, in Troth cry’d the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the fame Time, Who made you, Child? faid the Parfon. God}; Sir, anfwer’d the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honeft Clergyman, are not you afham’d to hear a Child of five or fix Years old tell me who made him, when you that are fo old a Man cannot? 4h/ faid the Coun- tryman, 7 is no Wonder that he /hould remember, he was. made but other Day, itis a great While Meafter fin I was made. : 47. A certain Reverend Drone in the Country was” complaining to another, That it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. O+/ faid the other, I preach twice every Sunday, azd make nothing of it. 48. One of the aforefaid Levites, as was his Cuftom, preaching moft exceedingly dull to a Congregation not ufed to him, many of them flunk out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended. Truly, faid a Gentleman prefent, this larn’d DoGor has made a very moving Difcourfe. 49. The late Duke of Wharton going thro’ Holbourn in a Hackney Coach with Phil. F , faw a Fellow drum- ming before the Door of a Puppet-Shew, Now this is a pretty Employment, PAi/. faid the Duke, if you were reduc’d fo low, that you were obliged to be either a Highwayman or Drummer to a Puppet-Shew, which would you choofe? Faith, my Lord, anfwer'd P/:/. I would be the Highwayman rather than the other. 4, ” reply’¢ « Wh be rm JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. reply’d the Duke, that confirms the Opinion I always had of you, that you have more Pride than Honetty. 50. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, ef- teem’d the wifeft Man in the Houfe, hasa frequent Cuf- tom of fhaking his Head, when another fpeaks, which giving Offence to a particular Perfon he complain’d of the Indignity fhewn to him; but one who had been ac- quainted with the firft Gentleman from a Child, as he told the Houle, affur’d them, ‘That it was only an ill Habit that he had got, for tho he would often foake his Head, there was Nothing iz it. 51. A French Marquis being one Day at Dinner at Roger Williams’s, the famous Punfter and Publican, was boafting of the happy Genius of his Nation, in project- ing all the fine Modes and Fafhions, particularly the Ruffie, which he faid, Was de fine Ornament to the Hand, and had been follow'd by all de oder Nations. Roger al- lowed what he faid, but obferved at the fame Time, That the Englith, according to Cuffom, had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, by adding the Shirt to it. 52. A young Gentleman playing at Queftions and Commands with fome very pretty young Ladies, was. commanded to take off a Garter from one of them 3. but fhe, as foon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats ran away into the next Room, where was a Bed: Now, Madam, faid he, tripping up her Heels, J bar /queaking. Bar the Door, you Fool, cry’d the, 53. Avery modeft young Gentleman of the County of Tipperary, having attempted many Ways, in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of great Fortune, at Jaft was refolved to try what could be done by the Help of Mufic, and therefore entertain’d her with a Serenade. under her Window at Midnight, but fhe order’d her . Servants to drive him thence by throwing Stones at him : Oh! my Friend, {aid one of his Companions, your Mujic #s as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very Sones about you. 54. Some unlucky Boys, the Scholars of Dr. Bufdy, ‘at Wefiminfier, be{meared the Stairs leading to the School .. with fomething that fhall be namelefs; the Doétor, as it. JOEMYLAL ER’svJesns.. 12 it was defigned, befoul’d his Fingers very much in it, which fo enrag’d him, that he cry’d out, He would give any Boy Half a Crown that would difcover who had a Hand init; upon which, an arch Boy immediately told him, for that Reward he would let him know who had a Hand in it: Well, faid the Doétor, I will cer- tainly give you the Half Crown if you tell me the Truth. Why then, an{wer'd the Boy, you had a Hand init, or it would not have been fa befb ry 55. A very harmlefs [ri/man, eating an Apple-Pye with fome Quinces in it; Arrah now, dear Honey, {aid he, if a few of thefe Quinces give fuch a Flavour, hove would an Apple Pye tafie that was made of all Quinces. 56. An Engli/> Gentleman ask’d Sir Richard Steele, who was an Jri//man, What was the Reafon that his Countrymen were fo remarkable for blundering and making Bulls? Fazth, faid the Knight, J deleve there is fomething in the Air of Ireland, and I dare fay if an En- glithman was born there he would do the fame. 57- A Gentleman, who was a ftaunch Wig, difputing with a Facobite, faid, He had two good Reafons for be- ing againit the Intereft of the Pretender : What are thofe ? faid the other, The firft, reply’d, he, is, that he is an Impoftor and not really King Fames’s Son: Why that, faid the Tory, would be a good Reafon if it could be proved; And, pray, Sir, what is your other? Why, jaid the Whig, that he is King James's Son. 58. Accertain Nobleman, a Courtier, in the Begin- ning of the late Reign, coming out of the Houle of Lords, accofted the Duke of Buckingham, with, How does your Pot boil, my Lord, thefe troublefome Times ? ‘To which his Grace reply’d, J never go into my Kitchen, but I dare fay the Scum is uppermoft. 59. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea for two or three Days.to a Perfon whofe Promifes he had not much Faith in, was very much furpriz’d to find, that he very punctually kept his Word with him ; the fame Gentle- man being fome Time after defirous of borrowing a Jarger Sum: No, faid the other, you have deceiv’d me once, yd. I. ai refolv'd you feall not do it a fecond Time. 60. My Pi Aisin * be. “ee 1 JOE MILLER’ Jesrs. ‘60. My Lord Chief Juftice’ Ho/t had fent, by his Warrant, one of the French Prophets, a foolifh Sect, that ftarted up in his Time, to Prifon ; upon which, Mr. Lacy, one of their gllgwers, came one Day to my Lord’s Houfe, and dear’d*to fpeak with him; the “Servants told him, their Lord was not well, and faw no Company that Day: But tell him, faid Lacy, I muft fee him, for I come to him from the Lord God; which being told the Chief Juftice, he order’d him to come in, and ask’d him his Bufinefs; I come, faid he, from the E£o;d, who hath fent me to thee, and would have thee granta Noli Profequi for ‘ohn Atkins, who is his Servant, and whom thou hait caft into Prifon. Thou art a fale Prophet, anfwer'd my Lord, and a hing Knave; for if the Lord had fent thee, it would have been to the Attorney- General, for be knows it is not my Power to grant a Noli Profequi. 61. A Country Parfon having divided his Text under two and twenty Heads; one of the Congregation was getting out of the Church in a great Hurry; but a Neighbour pulling him by the Sleeve, ask’d whither he was going? Home for my Night Cap, anfwer’d the firft, for 1 find we are to flay here all Night. _ 62. Old Dennis, who had been the Author of many Plays, going by a Brandy-Shop in St. Pauls Church-Yard ; the Man who kept it came, out to him, and defird the Favour of him to drink a Dram; For what Reafon ? faid he. Becaufe you area Dramatrick Poet, an{wer'd the other. Well, thou art an out of the Way Fellow, faid the old Gentleman, and IJ will drink a Dram with thee: But when he had fo done the Man asked him to pay for - it: "Sdeath, Sir, faid the Bard, did not you ask me to drink a Dram, becaufe I was a Dramatick Poet? Yes, Sir, reply’d the Fellow, but I did not think you had been a Diam o’ Tick Poet. ‘ 63. Daniel Purcel, the famous Punfter, anda Friend of his meeting, and having a Defire to drink a Glafs of Wine together, upon the 3othof Fanuary, King Charles's Martyrdom ; they went to the Sa/utation Tavern upon Holbourn Hill, and finding the Door fhut, they knock’d at it, but it was not opened to them, only one of the Drawers #, JOEMILLER’s Jesrs: ap Drawers look’d through a little Wicket, and ask’d, What they would pleafe to have? Why open-your Door, faid Daniel, and draw usa Pint of Wine: The Drawer faid, his Mafter would nop:allow of it that Day, for it was a Faf. D—mn your Mafter, replied he, for 2 precife Coxcomb, is he not contented to fat bim/elf, but he ° muft make his Doors fatt too. 64. The fame Gentleman calling for fome Pipes ina Tavern complained they were too /Lort: The Drawer Said, They had no other, and thofe were but juj? come in. Ay, faid Daniel, I fee your Mafter bas not bought theve very long. 65. The fame Gentleman, as he had the Character of a great Punfter, was defir’d one Night in Company by a Gentleman, to make a Pun extempore. Upon what Subje&t? faid Daniel: The King, anfwer’d the other. Ob! Sir, {aid he, the King is zo Subject. 66. An Jrifo Lawyer of the Temple, having Occafion to go to Dinner, left thefe Directions in his Key-hole. Gone to the Elephant and Caftle, where you /hall find me 3 and if you can't read this, carvy it to the Stationer’s, and he foall read it for you. ’ 67. The fame Gentleman had a Client of his own Country, who was a Sailor, and having been at Sea for fome Time, his Wife was married again in his Abfence, fo he was refolved. to profecute her, and coming to ad- vife with the Counfellar, he told him, he muit have Witneffes to prove that he was alive when his Wife marry’d again: Arrah, by my Shoul, but that shall be impoflible, faid the other, for my Ship-Matés are all gone to Sea again upon a long Voyage, and fhan’t return this Twelvemonth. Ob / then, anf{wer’d the Counfellor, there can be nothing done in it, and what a Pity it is that fuch a brave Caufe foould be lft now, only because you caw t prove yourself to be alive. 68. Poor Foe Miller happening one Day to be caught _ by fome of his Friends, in a very familiar Pofture with ‘a Cook Wench, who was exceeding ugly, was pretty much rallied by them for the Oddnefs of his Fancy. Why, look ye, Gentlemen, faid he, alth? I am not a very young Fellow, I have a good Conjiitution, and am not, I “ Nhe oy af hat thank rr jOuMILLER’s Jesrsy, I thank Heaven, reduced yet either to Beauty or Brandy fe whet my Appetite. 69. Mr. Congreve going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen told him, as they paffed by Pever- borough Houle, at Mill Bank, that that Houle had funk a Story. No, Friend, fays he, I rather believe it is a Story rais’d. 70. The aforefaid Houfe, which is the very laft in London one Way, being rebuilt, a Gentleman ask’d an- other, who liv’d in it? His Friend told him, Sir Robert Grofvenor. I do not know, faid the fir, what Efate Sir Robert has, but be ought to have a very good one, for No-Body lives beyond him in the whole Town. 71. Two Gentlemen difputing about Religion in Buz- ton’s Coffee-houfe, faid one of them, I wonder, Sir, you fhould talk of Religion, when I'l] hold you five Guineas you can’t fay the Lord’s Prayer ; Done, faid the other, and Sir Richard Steele here fhall hold Stakes. The Money being depofited, the Gentleman began with, J believe in God, and fo went cleverly thro’ the Creed; Well, {aid the other, [own Ihave loft, I did not think he could have done it. 72. Sir B ch r W—,y, in the Beginning of ‘Queen Anne's Reign, and three or four more drunken ‘Tories, reeling Home from the Fountain Tavern in the Strand, on a Sunday Morning, cried out, We are the Pillars of the Church. No, by G a, faid a Whig, that happened to be in their Company, you can be but the Buttreffes, for you never come on the Infide of it. 73. Savan, the famous Punfter of Cambridge, being a Nonjuror, upon which Account he had loft his Fellow- fhip, as he was going along the Strand, in the Beginning of King William’s Reign, ona very rainy Day, a Hack- ney Coachman call’d to him, Sir, won’t you pleafe to take Coach, it rains hard? Ay, Friend, faid he, but this is no Reign for me to take Coach in. 74- When O/iver firft coin’d his Money, an old Ca- valier looking upon one of the new Pieces, read this Infcription on one Side, God with us: On the other, ‘The Commonwealth of England. I fee, faid he, God and. the Commonwealth are on different Sides, oi. Af 5* Ce *. L JOE MILLER’s Jesrs; or 75. Colond Bond, who had been one of King Charles the Firft’s Judges, died a Day or two before O/ver, and it was ftrongly reported every where that Cromwell was dead: No, faid a Gentleman who knew better, 4e has only given Bond to the Dewil for bis farther Appearance. 76. A Welchman bragging of his Family, faid, His Father’s Effigy was fet up in Wefiminfter-Abbey ; being asked whereabouts, he faid, I the fame Monument with *Squire 'Thynne’s, for be was his Coachman. 77. A Perfon was faying, not at all to the Purpofe, That really Samp/fon was a very ftrong Man: Ay, faid another, but you are much fironger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and Shoulders. 78. My Lord Strangford, who ftammer’d very much, was telling a certain Bifhop that fat at his Table, that Balaam’s Afs fpoke becaufe he was Pri——eft . Prieft-rid, Sir, faid a Valet-de-Chambre, who ftood be- hind his Chair, my Lord would fay. No, Friend, re- plied the Bifhop, Balaam could not peak bim/elf, and fa his Als fpoke for him. 79. The fame noble Lord afk'd a Clergyman once, atthe Bottom of his Table, Why the Goo/e, if there was. one, was always plac’d next tothe Parfon? Really, faid- he, I can give no Reafon for it ; but your Queftion is fo odd, that L foall never fee a Goole for the future without think- ing of your Lordfhip. 80. Lady N. ‘, who had but a very homely Face, but was extremely wellthap’d, and always neat about the Legs and Feet, was tripping one Morning over the Parfin a Mask; and a Gentleman follow’d her for a long Time making ftrong Love to her; he called her his Life, his Soul, his Angel, and begg’d with abun- dance of Earneftnefs to have one Glimpfe of her Face ; at laft, when fhe came on the other Side of the Bird- Cage Walk, to the Houfe fhe was goig into, fhe turn’d about, and pulling off her Mask; Well, Sir, faid the, what is it you would have with me? The Man, at firft Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up his Hands, Of! nothing, Madam ; nothing, cried he: I cannot fay, faid my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tha I bate your Manners. yet pos Ran oe $1. An a a6 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs: 81) An arch Wag of St. Fobn’s College, Cambridre; afk'd another of the fame College, who was a great Sloven, Why he would not read a certain Author cali’d Go Clenius ? * 82. Colonel » who made the.fine Fireworks in St. Fames's-Square, upon the Peace of Ryfwick, being an Company with fome Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph juft then fet up in the 4bdey on Mr. Purcel’s Monument, | , He is gone to that Place where only his own Harmony car be exceeded. Lord, Colonel, {aid one of the Ladies, the fame Epitaph aight ferve for you, by altering one Word only : He is gone to that Place where only his own Fireworks car be exceeded, 83. After the Fire of London, there was an A& of Parliament to regulate the Buildings of the City, every Houle was to be three Stories high, and there were to be no Balconies backwards: A Gloucefterfoire Gentleman, a “Manof great Wit and Humour, juit after this A& pafs- ed, going along the Street, and feeing a little crooked Gentlewoman on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great Hafte, Lord, Madan, faid he, how dare you walk thus publickly in the Streets? Walk publickly in the Streets! and why not, pray Sir, an- ‘dwer'd the little Woman? Becaufe, faid he, you are built dire&ly contrary to AG of Parliament, you are but two Stories high, and your Balcony hangs over your Houfe-of- Office. 84. One Mr. Topham was fo very tall, that if he was now living, when People are fo fond of Shews, he might have made a very good one; this Gentleman | going 2 A famous Grammarian. ne JOE. MIL LER’s Jestg Fy going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town, when he came to the Houfe, he look’d in ata little Window over the Door, and ask’d the Woman, who fat by the Fire, If her Husband was at Home? No, Sir, faid the, but af you pleafe to alight and come in, [ll go and call him. 85. The fame Gentleman walking a-crofs Covent- Garden, was ask’d by a Beggar-Woman fora Half-penny or Farthing ; but finding he would not part with his Money, fhe begg’d, for Chrift’s Sake, he would give her one of his old Shoes. He was very defirous to know what fhe could do with one Shoe; To make my Child a Cradle, Sir, faid fhe. 86. King Charles II. having ordered a new Suit of Cloaths to be made, juft at a Time when Addreffes were coming up to him from all Parts of the Kingdom, Yom Killegrew went to the Taylor, and ordered him to make .a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one fo fmall on the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it ; which feeming very odd, when they were brought Home the King ask’d the Meaning of it 5 the Taylor faid, Mr. Kil//egrew ordered it fo: Killigrew being fent for, and interrogated, faid, One Pocket was Sor the Addrefles of his Majefty’s Subjegis, the other for the Money they would give him. 87. My Lord B e, in Queen Anne’s Reign, had married three Wives, who were all his Servants; a _ Beggar-Woman meeting him one Day in the Street, ~ made hima very low Curtefy, 4b, God Almighty. blefs your Lordifop, Laid the, and fend you a long Lifes if you do but live long enough we fhall be all Ladies in Time. 88. Tom B t happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor’s, in the latter Part of Queen Anne's Reign, after two or three Healths, the Miniftry was toafted ; but when it came to Zom’s Turn to drink, he diverted it for fome Time, by telling a Story to the Per- fon who fat next him ; the Chief Magiftrate of the City not feeing his Toaft go round, called out, Gentlemen, ire picks the Miniftry 2 At nothing, os G———d, fays e.3 and fo drank off his Glafs. c 89. My aN 8 jJOEMILLER’s Jfesrs. 89. My Lord Craven, in King Fames the Firll’s. Reign, was very defirous to fee Bex Fohnfon, which be- ing told to: Bex, he went to my Lord’s Houle, but being, fn a very tatter’d Condition, as Poets fometimes are, ¢he Porter refufed him Admittance, with fome faucy Language, which tle other did not failto return: My Lord happening to come out while they were wrangle- ing, ask’d the Occafion of it ? Bex, who ftood in Need. of No-Body to {peak for him, faid, He underftood his Lordthip defired to fee him. You, Friend, faid my Lord, Who are you? Bex Fohnfon, replied the other : No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be Ben Fobn/on, who wrote the Silent Woman ; you look as if you could not fay Bo toa Goole: Bo, cty’d Ben: Very well, faid my Lord, who was better pleafed at the Joke, than of- fended at the Affront, 1 am'now convinced, by your Wit, you are Ben Fobn/for. 90. A certain Fop was boafting in Company, that he had every Seu/e in Perfection: No, by G——d, faid one who was by, there is ane you are entirely without, aud that is Common Senfe. gt. Dr. Zadloe, who was a Man of an enormous Size, happening to go Thump, Thump, with his great Legs, thro’ a Street in Oxford, where the Paviours were at Work, in the Middle of Fudy, the Fellows immediately laid down their Rammers, 4)/ Gad blefs you, Mafer, cries one of them, if was wery kind of you to come this Way, it faves us a great deal of Trouble this hot Wea- ther. . 92, G———s E——/, who, tho’ he is very rich, is remarkable for his fordid Covetoufneis, told Czdber one Night, in the Green-Room, that he was. going out of Town, and was forry to part with him, for Faith 4e loved bim. Ab! faid Colley, I wilh I was a Shilling for your Sake; Why fo, faid the other? Becaufe then, cry’d the Laureat, J fhould be fure you loved me. * 93. Lord C——$y, coming out of the Honfe of Lords one Day, called out, Where’s my Fe//ow ? Not ix Pogland, by Gad, faid a Gentleman who ftood Y « "4. Mt. JOE MILLER’s Jests sh 94. Mr. Serjeant G-——d——r, being /ame of one Leg, and pleading before Judge For e, who has lits = tle orno Nofe, the Judge told him, He was afraid he had but a /ame Caufe of it: Ob! my Lord, faid the’ Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and TUl warrant I prove every Thing as plain as the Nofe on your Face. 95. A Gentleman eating fome Mutton that was very tough, faid, It put him in Mind of an old Engih Poet: Being ask’d who. that was, Chay cer, replied he. 96.’ A certain Roman Catholic Lord, having renoune’d the Popi/> Religion, was ask’d, not long after, by a-Pro- teftant Peer, Whether the Minifters of State, or. Mi- nifters of the Go/pe/, had the greateft Share in his.Con- verfion ? To whom he replied, That when he renouned Popery, be had alfa renounced auricular Confeffian, .. ~ » 97. Michael Angelo, in his Picture of the lat Judg- “ment, in the Pope’s Chapel, painted, among. the Figures in He//, that of a certain.Cardina/, who was his Enemy, fo like, that every Body knew it at firft Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal, complaining to Pope Clement the Seventh, of the Affront,.and defiring it might be defaced ; You know very well, faid the Pope, J hawe Power to deliver a Sowl out of Purgatory, but not cyt of Hell. 98. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend’s Houfe, the firft Thing that came upon.the Table wasja Dih of Whitings, and one being put upon his Plate, he found it fink fo much that he could not eat a Bit. of it, but he laid his Mouth down to the Fith, as if he was whi{pering with it, and then took up the Plate, and put it to hisown Har; the Gentleman at whofe Table he was, enquiring into the Meaning, he told him, That he had a Brother loft at Sea about a Fortnight ago, and he was asking that Fith if he knew any Thing of him ; _And what Aufwer made he, faid the Gentleman ?.He told me, reply’d the other, that he could give na, Acs count of him, for he had not been at Sea thefe three Weeks. Dek I would not have any of my Readers apply this-Story, .as an unfortunate Gentleman did once, who the next igi C 2 hi. 1 RY do JOE MILLER?’s Jesrs: Day after he had firft heard it, was whifpering a ftink- ing Ramp of Beef, ata Friend’s Houle. go. Acertain Author was telling George Sewe/, that a Paflage he found Fault with in his Poem, might be juftified, and that he thought it a Metaphor : It is fuch a gne then, {aid the Do€tor, as truly I never Met-a-fore. 100. Two Oxford Scholars, meeting on the Road with a York/bire Oftler, they fell to bantering him, and told the Fellow, That they would prove him to be a Horfe, oran Afs. Well, faid the Oftler, and I can prove your Saddle to be a Mule. A Male! cry’d one of them, how can that be? Becau/e, faid the Oftler, it is /ome- thing between a Horfe and an Afs. 101. An Enghjb Gentleman happening to be in Brecknock/eire, he ufed fometimes to divert himfelf with Shooting, but being fufpeéted not to be qualified by one of the little Welch Juftices, his Worfhip told him, That unlefs he could produce his Qualification he fhould not allow him to fhoot there, and he had ¢awo “ttle Manors. Yes, Sir faid the Englifbman, any Body may perceive that. Perceive what? cry’d the Welchman. That you ave too little Manners, faid the other. 102. ‘The Chaplain’s Boy of a Man of War, being fent out of his own Ship of an Errand to another ; the ewo Boys were conferring Notes about their Manner of Living ; How often, faid one, do you go to Prayers now ? Why, anfwered the other, in Cafe of a Storm, or the Apprehenfion of any Danger from the Enemy. Ay, faid the firft, there's fome Senfe in that, but my Matter makes us go to Prayers when there is no more Occafion for it, than for my leaping over-board. 103. Not much unlike this Story is one a Midfhip- man told one Night, in Company with my dear Friend Foe Miller and myfelf; who faid, That being once in great Danger at Sea, every Body was obferved to be up- on their Knees but one Man, who being called upon to come with the reftto Prayers: Not J, faid he, it is your Bufinef to take Care of the Ship, Pm but a Paftenger. 104. ‘Three or four roguifh Scholars waking out one Day from the Univerfity of Oxford, efpy’d a poor Fellow “near dbingdos, afleep in a Ditch, with an Afs of ee oade JOE MILLER’s Jests,. 22 loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the Bridle in hiS Hand ; fays one of the Scholars to the reft, If youll afiift me, Tl help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at prefent: No doubt of it they were not long confenting ; Why then, faid he, we'll go and fell this old Fellow’s Afs at .dbingdon, for you know the Fair is To-morrow, and we fhall meet with Chapmen enough ; therefore, do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and that Bridle over my Head, and then lead the Afs to Market, and let me alone with the old Man. ‘This being done accordingly, in a little ‘Time after the poor Man waking, was ftrangely fur- prized to fee his Afs thus metamorphofed: Oh! for God’s Sake, faid the Scholar, take this Bridle out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here, replied the old Man? Why, faid he, my Father, who is a Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to difoblige him, transformed me into an Afs, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him : By all Means, faid the Crockery Merchant, I _ don’t defire to have any Thing to do with Conjuration 3 and fo fet the Scholar at Liberty, who went direétly to his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they had fold the Afs for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day to feck for @ new one in the Fair, and after having look’d on feveral, his own was fhewn him for a very good one: OA, ho! faid he, what has he and his Father quarrelled again? No, no, I'll have nothing to fay to him. 105. Acertain Lady at Whitehall, of great Quality, but very little Modefty, having fent for a Linnen-Dra- per to bring her fome Hollands ; as foon as the young Fellow enter’d the Room, OA, Sir, faid the, 1 find you're a Man fit for Bufinefi, for you no fooner look a Lady in the Face, but you've your Yard in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen with we ober. at 106. A Country Farmer going crofs his Grounds in the Dusk of the Evening, efpy’d a young Fellow and a Lafs very bufy near a Five-Bar Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were 3 —_—_—— Odgers rant ARON, \ é 92 JOE MIFLLER’s Jesrs, about, faid the young Man, No Harm, Farmer, we are only going to prop-a-gate. 107. King Charles II. being prevailed upon, by one of his Courtiers to knight a very worthlefs Fellow, of a mean Aipe&i ; when he was going to lay the Sword upon his Shoulder, the new Knight drew a little back, and hung down his Head, as out of Countenance : Dont be afbam'd, faid the King, ’tis I have mof? Reafon to be afbam d. -108. King Henry VIII. defigning to fend a Noble- man on an Embafly to Francis |. at a very dangerous JunGture, he bege’d to be excus’d, faying, Such a threatening Meéfiage to fo hot aPrince as Francis I. might go near to coft him his Life. Fear not, faid old Harry, if the French King fhould offer to take away your Life, I would revenge you by taking off the Heads of many Frenchmen now in my Power: But of all thefe Heads, replied the Nobleman, there may uot be ane to fit my Shoulders. : 109. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers, whom he had employ’d in feveral Embaflies, told him, He look’d likean Owl fF know not, anfwéered the Cour- tier, what I lok lke, but this I know, that Ihave had rie Honour jfeveral Times to reprefent your Majefty’s Per- . fon. 110. A Country Fellow, who was juft come to Zoz- don, gaping about in every Shop he came to, at laft Tooked into a Scrivener’s, where feeing enly one Man fitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commo. dity, was fold there; but calling to the Clerk, Pray, Sir, faid he, what do you fell here? Loggerheads, cry’d the other. Do you, anfwer’d the Countryman, Egad then you've fpecial Trade, for I fee you have but one left. 111. Manners, whe was himfelf but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas Moore, he was too tauch elated by his Preferment, that he verify’d the old Proyerb, Honores mutant Mores. Brigid Yt ane f: we a7 sNos JOE MILLER’s Jests, 423 No, my Lord, faid Sir Thomas, the Pun will do much better in Exgli/>, Honours change Mann P&S. 112. A Nobleman having chofeh “A*vVery illiterate Perfon for his Library Keeper, one faid, 2 was dike a Seraglio kept by an. Eunuch. Pee 113. When Sir Cloudefly Shovel fet out on his laf Ex- pedition, there was a Form of Prayer compofed by the Archbifhop of Canterbury, for the Succes .of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Ufe of this unlucky Expreflion, That he begg’d God would be a Rock of De- Jeuce to the Fleet ; which occafioned the following Lines to be made upon the Monument fet up for him in Wefiminfier-Abbey, he being caft away in that Expedi- tion, on the Rocks called the BiLop aud his Clerks. As Lambeth pray’d, fuch was the dire Event, Elfe had we wanted now this Monument 3 That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock, Nor did kiad Heav’n the wife Petition mock 5 To what the Metropolitan /aid then, The Bifhop and his Clerks repd’d, Amen. s14. A poor dirty Shoe Boy going into a Church, one Suaday Evening, and feeing the Parifh Boys ftand- ang in a Row upon a Bench to.be.catechized, he gets up himfelf, and ftands in the very firft Place; fo the Par- fon of Courfe beginning with him, asked him, Whaz is your Name? Rugged and Tough, anfwer’d he; Who gave you that Name? lays Domine: Why the Boys in our Alley, reply’d poor Rugged azd Tough, the Lord 4 mn ’em. " 115. A Mayor of Yarmoutd, in ancient Times, being by his Office a Juftice of the Peace, and one who was willing to difpenfe the Laws wifely, tho’ he could hard- ly read, got him the Statute-Book, where finding 4 Law againit fring a Beacon, or caufing a Beacon to be fired, after Ning of the Clock at Nights the poor Man. i Taek SRO ae read o4 JOE MILLER’ Jzsts. read it frying of Bacon, or caufing any Bacon to be fiy'd; and accordingly went out the next Night upon the Scear, and being directed by his No/e, to the Carrier’s Houfe, he found the Man and his Wife both ying Bacon, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being thus caught in the Fa&, and having nothing to fay for them{felves, his Worfhip committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize. 116.. 'T a facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the Re- hearfal, on a Saturday Morning, the Time when the Actors are ufally paid; was asking another, Whether Mr. Wood, the Treafurer of the Houfe, had any Thing to fay to them that Morning? No, Faith, emmy, re- plied the other, I’m afraid there’s no Cole, which is a cant Word for Money. By G d, faid Spiller, if there's no Cole, we muft burn Wood. 117. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon Ludoate- Hill, faid, He had Occafion for a fmall Quantity of very fine Lace, and having pitch’d upon that he liked, ask’d the Woman of the Shop, how much fhe would have for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the other, and meafure which Way fhe pleafed, either over his Head, or under his Chin; after fome Words they agreed, and he paid the Money down, and began to meafure, faying, One of my Ears is bere, and the other as nailed to the Pillory in Briftol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in Part, and defire yon will provide the reft with all Expedition. 118. A prodigal Gallant, whofe penurious Mother being lately dead, and had left a plentiful Eftate, one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrelled with his Coach- man, and faid, You damn’d Son of a Whore, I'll kick you into Hell. W7/ you, reply’d the Coachman, ther ewhen I come there I'll tell your Mother bow extravagantly jou are fpending your Eftate upon Earth. 119, A Venetian Ambaffador going to the Court of Rome, paffed thro’ Florence, where he went to pay his Refpeéts to the late Duke of Tu/cany. The Duke com-. plaining to him of the Ambaffador the State of Ve- vice had fent him, as a Man very unworthy of his pub- JOEMILLER’s Jests. 24 public Character. Your Highne/s, {aid he, muff not won- der at it; for we have many idle Pates at Venice. Sa have we, reply’d the Duke, iz Florence, but we don’t Jend them to treat of publick Affairs. 120. A Beggar afking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar ; a Gentleman to whom he apply’d him- felf, afk’d hima Queftion in Latiz, the Fellow fhaking his Head, faid, He did not underfiand him: Why, {aid the Gentleman, did not you fay you were afoor Scholar ? Yes, reply’d the other, a@ poor one indeed, Sir, for I dan't underfiand one Word of Latin. 121. A Parfon preaching a tirefome Sermon on Hap. pines, or Bifs; when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of Happinefs: Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon. 122. A Lady’s Age happening to be queftion’d, the affirm’d fhe was but Forty, and call’d upon a Gentleman, ’ who was in Company, for his Opinion; Coufin, faid fhe, do you believe 1am in the Right, when] fay [am but Forty? I am fure, Madam, reply’d he, f ought not to difpute it, for I have conftantly heard you fay fo, for above thefe Tex Years. 123. It being prov’d ona Trial at Guild-Hall, that a Man’s Name was really Juch, who pretended it was Linch. I fee faid the Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allow’d an Inch has taken an L. 124. A certain Perfon came to aCardinal in Rome, and told him, That he had brought his Eminence a dainty white Palfry, but he fell Lame by the Way: Why then, faid the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou fhalt do; go to fuch a Cardinal, and fuch a one, naming half a Dozen, and tell them the fame; and fo as thy Horfe if it had been found, could have pleafed but One, withthis dame Horfe thou fhalt pleafe half a Do- zen. 125. The Emperor Auguflus being fhewn a young Grecian, who very much refembled him, afk’d the young _ Man if his Mother had not been at Rome? No, Sir, an- fwered the Grecian, hut my Father has. 126. Cato, 56 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs: 126. Cato, the Cenfor, being afk’d, How it came to pafs, that he had no Statue erected for him, who had fo well deferv’d of the Common-Wealth ? I had rather, faid he, have this Queftion afk’d, than, Why Thad one? 127. A Lady coming intaa Room haftily, with her Mantua, bruth’d down a Cremona Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which, a Gentleman that was prefent, burit into this Exclamation from Virgil. Mantua ve mifera nimium Vicina Cremona. Ab miferable Mantua, too near a Neighbour to Cremona: 128. A devout Gentleman being very earneft in his: Prayers, in the Church, it happen’d that a Pick-pocket being near him, ftole away his Watch; who having ended his Prayers, mifs’d it, and complained to his Friend, that his Watch was loft while he was at Prayers, to which his Friend replied, Had you watch'd as well as prayd, your Watch had been fecure 3 adding thefe follow- dug Lines : Ele that a Watch will wear, this enft he do, Packet his Watch, and watch his Pocket tao. 129. George Ch n, who always was accounted a very blunt; Speaker, afking a young Lady one Day, What it was a Clock? She told him her Watch /food : Idon’t wonder at that, Madam, faid he, when it is fo near your _ 130. A modett Gentlewoman being compelled by her ' Mother to accufe her Hufband of Infufficiency, and be- ing in the Court, fhe humbly defir’d of the Judge, that fhe might write her Mind, and not be oblig’d to {peak it, for Modefty’s Sake: The Judge gave her that Liberty, znd the Clerk was immediately ordered to give her Pen, Ihk, and Paper; Whereupon fhe took the Pen without, . dipping it into the Ink, and made as if fhe would write. Says the Clerk to her, Madam, there’s no Ink in your Pen. Uruly, Sir, fays the, that’s ju? my Cafe and there- fore I wceg not explain mfelf any farther. gar. A. ; JOEMILTLER’S Jest: ‘27 131. A Lieutenant-Colonel to one of the Uy Re- giments in the French Service, being difpatched by the Duke of Berwick, from Fort-#2ei/, to the King of France, with a Complaint relating tofome Irregularities chat had happen’d in the Regiment; his Majéity with fome Emotion of Mind, told him, that the Ji ‘Troops gave him more Uneafinefs than all his Forces befides. Sir, fays the Officer, all your Majefly’s Enemies make the Jame Complaint. 132. Mr. .G x, the Surgeon, being fent for toa Gentleman who had juft received a flight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his Servant to go home with all Hafte imaginable, and fetch a certain Plaifler; the Patient turning a little pale, Lord, Sir, faidhe, I hope there is no Danger ? Yes, indeed is there, an{wered the Surgeon, for if the Fellow dowt fet up a good Pair of Heels, the Wound will heal before he returns. 133. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer having, in a molt pathetic and elegant Speech, expofed the Vices and Irregularities of the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from {ome Imputations unjufudy thrown upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the Nature, ‘as well as at the Length of the Speech, defir'd to know when the noble Lord would leave off Preach- ing? The other anfwered, The very Day he was made a Bifhop. 134. It chanced thata Merchant Ship was fo violent. ly toffed in a Storm at Sea, that all defpairing of Safe- ty, betook themfelves to Prayer, faving one Mariner, who was ever wifhing to fee two Stars: Oh! faid he, that I could fee but two Sers, or but one of the. Two; and of thefe Words he made fo frequent Repetition, that, difturbing the Meditations of the reft, at length one afk’d him, What two Stars,. or what one Star he meant ? To whom he reply’d, O/ that I. could but fee the Star gz Cheapfide, or the Star in Coleman-ftreet, I care mot which. . _ 135. A Country Fellow, fabpoena’d for a Witnefs up- ona ‘J'rial on an Ation for Defamation, he being fworn, the Judge bad him repeat the very fame Words he had heard fpoken: The Fellow was loth to fpeak, but . humm’¢ JOR MILLER’s. Fests. humm’d and haw’d for a good Space; but being urg’d by the Judge, he at laft fpoke ; My Lord,. faid he, your'e a Cuckold: The Judge {ceing the People begin to laugh, call’d to him, and bade him fpeak to the Jury, there were twelve of them. 136. A Courtier, who was a Confident in the Amours of Henry IV. of France, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Difpatch whereof he apply’d himfelf to the Lord High Chancellor ; who finding fome Obfta- cle in it, the Courtier ftill infifted upon it, and would not allow of any Impediment. Que chacun fe méle de fon Metier, {aid the Chancellor tohim; that is, Let every one meddle with his own Bufinefi. ‘The Courtier imagin- ing he reflected upon him for his Pimping; My Em- ployment, faid he, is fuch, that if the King were twenty Years younger, I would not exchange it for three of your's. ' 137. A young Fellow in the Country, after having an Affair with a Girl in the Neighbourhood, cried, What fhall we do, Bef, if you prove with Child? O! very well, faid fhe, for I’m to be married To-morrow. © 138. A Gentleman faying one Day at Table, that he could not endure a Breaft of Mutton: You faid fo the other Day, cried another, of a Breaft of Veal. Ve- ry true, anfwered the Firft, I do not love the Breaft of any Thing buta Woman, and that goes againit my Stomach. 139. A Gentleman in the Country having the Mif- fortune to have his Wife hang herfelf on an Apple-Tree, a Neighbour of his came to him, and begged he would give him a Cyon of that Tree that he might graft it upon one in his own Orchard ; For who knows, faid he, but it may bear the fame Fruit. 140. A Gentlewoman who thought her Servants al- ways cheated her when they went to Bi/iing /gate to buy Fifth, was refolved to go thither one Day herfelf; and afking the Price of fome Fifh, which fhe thought too dear, fhe bid the. Fifh-Wife about half what fhe afk’d. Lord, Madam, faid the Woman, I muft have ftole it to fell it at that Price, but you fhall have it, if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look fo white. * vi tole ‘Nothing, TOTONE DL PoE R's Jes ra oss. Nothing, good Woman, anfwer’d the Gentlewoman, but wear Dog Skin Ghves. D mn you for a hing B ch, reply’d the other, my Hufband has worn Dog- Skin Breeches ¢he/é ten Years, and his A——/e is as brown as a Nutmeg. 141. Dr. Heylin, a noted Author, efpecially for his ‘Cofmography, happening one Day to lofe his Way going to Oxford, inthe Foreft of Whichwwood, being then at- tended by one of his Brother’s Men, the Man earneftly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doétor telling him he did not knowit: How, faid the Fellow, tha?’s very firange, that you, who made a Bookof the whole World, cannot find the Way out of this little Wood. y 142. Monfieur Vaxgelas having obtain’d a Penfion from the French King, by the Intereft of Cardinal Rich- fieu, the Cardinal told him, he hoped he would not for- get the Word Penfion in his Ditionary. No, my Lord, faid Vaugelas, nor the Word Gratitude. 143. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a weeping but one Man, who being ask’d, Why he did not weep with the reit? O// faid he, J belong to another Pari/h. 144. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who ‘had two Gallants, one of them with a Wooden Leg, the Queftion was put, which of the two fhould Father the Child. He who had a Wooden Leg offered to decide it thus: Jf the oc faid he comes into the World with a Wooden Leg I will Father it, ea not, it mufi be your” 5. 145. A Gentleman ai had been out a Shooting, brought Home a fmall Bird with him, and having an Srifh Servant, he ask’d him, If he had fhot that little Bird? Yes, he told him. JOE MILLE R’s fesrs; ' ever I jaro, this fame Carp will live the longeft after it is Gead. ; . 147. A Gentleman happening to turn up again a Houle to make Water, did not fee. two young Ladies looking out of a Window clofe by him, ‘till be heard them gigling ; then looking towards them, he asked, What made them io merry? Oh! Lord, Sir, faid one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh. 148. A Gentleman hearing a Parfon preach upon the Story of the Children being devoured by the two She Bears, who reviled the old Man, and not much liking his Sermon, fome Time after feeing the fame Parfon come into the Pulpit to preach at another Church : O64, ho! faid he, What are you here with your Bears again ? 149. A young Feliow riding down a Reep Hill, and doubting the Foot of it was boggith, call’d out toa Clown that was ditching, and ask’d him if it was hard at the Bottom. Ay, anfwered the Countryman, it is hard enovgh at the Bottom, Pilwarrant you: But in half a Dozen Steps the Horfe funk, up :to the Saddle Skirts, which made the young Gallant whip, fpur, curfe, and f{wear. Why thou Whorefon Rafcal, faid he to the Ditcher, didi thou not tell me it was hard at the Bottom? 4, replied the other, but you are xot half Way to the Bottom yet. : 150. It was faid of one that remember’d every ‘Thing that he Jent, but nothing that he borrow’d, that be had loft half his Memory. 151. One fpeaking of Yitus Oats, faid, He was a Villain in Grain, and deferv’d to be well threfhed. . #52. It was {aid of Henry Duke of. Guife, that he was the greateft Ufurer in all France, for he had turned all his Eftate into, Od/gations ; meaning. he had fold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to make Prefents to other en. ‘ 153. An Englifoman and a Welfhman difputing in whofe Country was the beft Living; faidthe Welchman, There is fuch noble Houfe-keeping in Wales, that I - have known above a Dozen Cooks employed at one Wedding Dinner: 4y, anfwered the Eughjbman, that suas becaufe eyery Man toafted bis own Cheefe. ie 154. The JOE MILLER’s Jests. gt 154. The late Sir Godfrey Kueller, had always a great Contempt, I will not pretend to, fay how juftly, for Fervais, the Painter 5 and being one Day about twenty Miles from Londex, one of his Servants told him at Dinner, That there was Mr. Fervais come that Day into the fame Town with a Coach and Four. 4, faid Sir Godfrey, tf bis Horfes draw no better than bimfelf, theyll never carry him ta Town again. iss. Some: Women fpeaking of the Pains of Child- birth, For my Part, faid one of them, it is lefs Trou- ble to me than to fwallow a poach’d Egg: Then, fure, Madam, anfwered another, your Throat is-very narrow. 156. A Gentleman ask’d Nanny Rochford, Why the Whigs in their Mourning for Queen Anne, all wore Silk Stockings? Becau/e, {aid the, the Tories were worfted. 157. A Counfellor pleading at the Bar with Speciacles on, who was. blind with one Eye, faid, he would pro- duce nothing but what was ad Rem. Then, faid one of the adverfe Party, You muf? take out one of the Glaffes of your SpeGacles, which Ian fure is of no Uf. 158. The famous Yom Thynu, whowas very remarkable for his good Houfe-keeping and Hofpitality, ftanding one Day at his Gate in the Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry’d, He begg’d his Worfhip would give him a Mug of his Small Beer. Why, bow now, faid he, what Times are thefe, when Beggars muft be Choofers! J fay, bring this Fellow a Mug of Strong Beer. 15g. It was faid of a Perfon, who always eat at other People’s Tables, and was a great Railer, That he never open’d his Mouth but to fome Body’s Colt. i6o. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor Man’s Son, and his Father’s Houfe ill thatch’d, fo that the * Sun came in at many Places of it, would himfelf make a Jeft of his Birth; and fay, That he was, Nato di Cala illuftre, Sox of an illufirious Houfe. hip 161. Diogenes begging, as was the Cuftom ‘among many Philofophers, asked a prodigal Man for more than any one elfe: Whereupon one faid to him, I fee your Bufinefs, that when you find a tiberal Mind, you will take the moft of him. No, {aid Diogenes, bat I mean to beg of the ret again, frat 162. A Bo | PORARVETL ICE R's J e's 138 162. A Gentleman fpeaking of his Servant, faid, J believe I command more than any Man, for before my Ser- want will obey in one Thing, I muft command him ten Times over. 163. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution, had’ a Reprieve juit as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriffs Officer, who told him, He was a happy Fellow, and ask’d him, if he knew nothing of the Reprieve before-hand? No, replied the Fellow, zor thought any more of it, than I did of my Dying-Day. 164. A Spanifb Lady reading in a French Romance, a long Converfation betwixt two Lovers; What a deal of Wit, {aid the, is here thrown away, when two Levers are got together by themfelves, and No-body by ? 165. Two very honeft Gentlemen, who dealt in Brooms, meeting one Day in the Street, one ask’d the other, How the Devil he could afford to under-fell him every where as he did, when he ficle the Stuff, and made the Brooms himfelf? Why, you filly Dog, an{wered the other, J fical them ready made. 166, An [ri/bman admiring the ftately Fabrick of St. Pauls, ask’d, Whether it was made in England, or Lrought from beyond Sea? 167. Fabricius, the Roman Conful, fhew’d a great Woblenefs of Mind, when the Phyfician of King Pyrr- bus made him a Propofal to poifon his Mafter, by fend- ing the Phyfician back to Pyrrhus with thefe memorable Words: Learn, O King, to make a better Choice both of thy Friends, and of thy Foes. 168. A Lady who had generally a pretty many In- grigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother’s ex- travagant Paffion for Play, ask’d him, When he defign’d to leave off Gaming ? When you ceafe Loving, {aid he. Then, replied the Lady, you are like to continue a Game- fier as long as you live. 169. A Soldier was bragging before Fulius Cesar of ‘the Wounds he had received in his Face. Ce/ar know- ing him to be a Coward, told him, He had beft take Heed the next Time be ran away, how be looked back. 170, PORE MILLSER's Jes Per 33 170. The Trojans fending Ambafladors to condole with Tiberius, upon the Death of his Father-in-Law Auguflus, it was fo long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment; but told them, He was likewife forry,, that they had loft fo valiant a Knight as Hedfor, who was flain above a thoufand Years before. 171. Cato Major uled to fay, That wife Men learnt more from Fools, than Fools from wife Men. 172. A Braggadocia chancing, upon an Occafion, to run away full Speed, was ask’d by one, What was be- come of that Courage he ufed fo much to talk of. {¢ is got, {aid he, all into my Heels. 173. Somebody asking my Lord Bacon sha he thought of Poets. Why, faid he, I think them the very bet Wri- ters next to thofe who write in Profe. 174. A profligate young Nobleman being in eathe pany with fome fober People, defired Leave to toaft the Devil. The Gentleman who fat next him faid, He had no Objection to any of his Lordfbip’s Friends. 175. A Scot/man was very angry with an Englifh Gentleman, who, he faid, had abus’d him, and called him falfe Scot. Indeed, {aid the Englihman, I faid na fuch Thing, but that you were a true Scot. 176. C i, the Bookfeller, being under Examina- tion at the Bar of the Houfe of Lords, for publifhing the Pofthumous Works of the late Duke of Buck- ingham, without Leave of the Family, told their Lord fhips in his Defence, That if the Duke was living be was fare he would readily pardon the Offence. ah 177. A Gentleman faid of a young Wench, “who conftantly plied about the Temple, that if fhe had as much Law in her Head as fhe ‘had in her Tail, the ; would be one of the ableft Coun/felin England. — : 178. Mr. £ Il. s, the Painter, having finifh’d a very good Picture of Fig the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better of teveral® Lribmen of the fame Profeffion, the Piece’ was fhewn to old “Fohnfon the Player, who was told at the fame ‘Time, that Mr. E——-//——_~s defigned to have a Metzotinto moat taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put at D er 34 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. der it. Then, faid old Fobufon, Pll give you one: 4 Fig for the Irifh. 179. Some Gentlemen going into a Bawdy-Houfe Ta- vern at Charing Crofs, found great Fault with the Wine, and fending for the Mafter of the Houfe, told him, It was fad Stuff, and very weak. It may be fo, faid he, for my Trade don't depend upon the Strength of my Wine, but on that of my Tables and Chairs. 180. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in Smithfield, and feeing the Oftler expert and tractable about the Horfes, ask’d, How long he had lived there, and what Countryman he was? J’/ Yorkhhire, faid the Fellow, an ha lived Sixteen Years here. I wonder, replied the Gentleman, that in fo long a Time, fo clever a Fellow as you feem to be, have not come to be Mafter of the Inu yourfelf. Ay, anf{wered the Oftler, dut Maifler’s Yerk- fhire foo, 181. The late Colonel Chartres reflecting on his ill Life and Chara&ter, told a certain Nobleman, That if fuch a Thing as a good Name was to be purchafed, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one. The Noble- man faid, It would certainly be the worft Money he ever laid out in his Life. Why fo, faid the Aonef? Co- lonel ? Becaufe, anfwered the Lord, you would forfeit it » again in lefs than a Week. fe, 182. A feedy (poor) half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbing every Thing he heard, was told, _. Where was but one Secret in the World he could keep, Ms and that was, where he lodged 183. Fack M m2 going one Day into the Apart- ments at St. Fasmes’s, found a Lady of his Acquaintance fitting in one of the Windows, who very courteoufly ask’d him to fit down by her, telling him there was a Place. No, Madam, faid he, I do mot come to Court for a Place. If the gentle Reader should have a Defire to repeat this Story, let him not make the fame Blunder that 2 certain Englifb-Irifh foolifh Lord did, who made the Lady ask Fack to fit down by her, telling him there was Room. JOtm MIL LE Res Jessa. | 3% 184. A certain Lady of Quality fending ‘ner Li Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, firidily - charged him to take Coach if it rained, for Fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet ; and being feverely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he faid, He had obey’d his Orders. How, then, an- fwered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? No, replied honeft Teague, I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode behind as I akways ufed to do. 185. Yom Warner, the late Publifher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood fending her Maid to enquire how he did, he bid the Girl tell her Miftrefs, That he hoped he was going to the New Ferufalem. Ab, dear Sir, faid the, I dare fay the dir of Ulington would do you more good. 186. A Perfon faid, The Scotch were certainly the beft trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to handle their Arms almoft as foon as they were born. 187, A Woman once profecuted a Gentleman ‘for a Rape: Upon the Trial, the Judge ask’d if fhe made any Refiftance ? Lcry’d out, and please you my Lord. Ay, faid one of the Witnefles, but that was Nine Months after. e 188. A young Lady, who had been married but a fhort Time, feeing her Husband going to rife. pretty early in the Morning, faid, What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray liea little longer, and reft yourfelf, No my Dear, reply’d the Husband, PH get up and refi my/elf. anaes 189. The Deputies of Roche/ attending to fpeak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a Phyfician who had renounced the Proteftant Religion, and embraced the Popifh Communion, whom they began to revile moft grievoufly. The King hearing of it, told the De- puties he advifed them to change their Religion too ; For zt is a dangerous Symptom, fays he, that your Religion is not tong-liv’d, when a Phyfician has given it over. ‘ D2 . 199. Se ‘kee ” 36. JOE MILLER’s Jesrs: 190. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Holt per- ceiving him a clofe-filted Cur, having call’d for nothing’ but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread, to eat with a Sallad he had gather’d by the Way, refolved to fit him for it, therefore feemingly paid him an extraor- dinary Refpect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the beft Bed in the Houfe. In the Morning he fat a good Sallad before him, with cold Meat, Butter, &%c. which provoked the Monfieur to the Generofity of calling for half a Pint of Wine ; then coming to pay, the Holt gave him a Bill, which, for the beft Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurte- nances, he had enhanced to the Value of Twenty Shil- lings. Vat you mean, fays the Frenchman, Fernie Twen- ty Shillings! Vat you mean! But all his fplutt’ring was in vain, for the Hoft, with a a great deal of Tavern- Elocution, made him fenfible that nothing could be abated. The Monfieur therefore feeing no Remedy but Patience, feemed to pay it chearfully. After which, he, told the Hoft, that his Houfe being fo extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive them away, fo as they fhould never return again. ‘The Hoft being very defirous to be rid of thofe troublefome Guefts, who were every Day doing him one Mifchief or other, at length concluded to give Monfieur Twenty Shillings for a Receipt ; which done, By Gar, fays the Monfieur, you make all de Rats one fuch Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your Houfe again me will be bang. ' 191. A Weftminfter Jultice taking Coach in the City, and being fet down at Young Man’s Coffee houfe, Cha- zing-Crofi, the Driver demanded Eighteen. pence as_ his Fare.. The Juftice ask’d him, if he would {wear that the Ground came to the Money. The Man faid, He would take his Oath on’t. ‘The Juftice replied, Friend, Lm a Magiftrate ; and pulling the Book out of his Pocket, adminiftred the Oath, and then gave the Fellow Six- pence, faying, He muff referve the Shilling to himfelf for the Affidavit. , 192. A Countryman paffing along the Strand, faw 2 Coach overturned, and asking what the Matter was, he Was. TOR MILLER's Jestsy i 3 was told, That three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach. Oh, fays he, there let them lie, my Father always advifed me not to meddle with State Affairs. 193. One was faying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent Critic, was anfwered, That indeed his Writings were much to be valued, for that by his Criticifm he taught Men how to write well ; and by his Poetry thewed them what it was to write ill; fo that the World was fure to edify by him. . 194. One going to fee a Friend who had lain a con-) fiderable Time in the Mar/balfea Prifon ina ftarving Con- dition, was perfuading him, rather than run the Ha- zard of lying again in that miferable Way, if he fhould get difcharged, to go to Sea; which not agree- ing with his high Spirit, 2 thank you for your Advice, replied the Prifener, éut, if Ido go to Sea, Lam refolved zt foall be upon good Ground. 195- The late Earl of § kept an /ry Footman, who perhaps was as expert in making Bulls as the moft Learned of his Countrymen. My Lord having fent him one Day with a Prefent to a certain Judge, the Judge in Return fent my Lord half a Dozen live Partridges with a Letter; the Partridges fluttering in the Basket upon Teague’s Back, as he was carrying them Home, he fet down the Basket, and opened the Lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the Devil burn ye, faid he, I am glad ye are gone 3 but when he came Home, and my Lord had read the Letter, Why — Teague, faid my Lord, I fad there are half a Dozen Partridges in the Letter: Now, Arrah, dear Honey, faid Teague, I am glad you have found them in the Lefrer, for they are all 4/7 out of the Basket. 196. The fame Nobleman going out one Day, called. Teague to’ the Side of his Chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he fhould be at Home at Dinner. But when my Lord was got a-crofs the Square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to the Coachman to ftop; upon which, my Lord, pulling the String, defired to know what Teague want- ed; My Lord, faid he, ie bade me tell Mr. Aehare 3 “ 45 JOR) MYL LER’s Jasts: if he came that you would dine at Home; But what muft I fay if be don't come 197. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife’s Bible to pawn fora Quartern of Gin, to the Alehoufe, the Man of the Houfe refufed to take it. What a Pox, faid the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of God pafs with you ? 198. A certain Juftice of Peace that was not far from Clerkenwell, in the firft Year of King George I. when the Fellow whom he hired to officiate as his Clerk, was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to dzna Domini. 1714. How now, faid he, with fome Warmth, and why not Georgio Domini, /fure you forget yourfelf frrangely. vi? 199. A little daftardly half-witted Squire, being once furprized by his Rival in his Miftrefs’s* Chamber, of whom he was forely afraid, defired, for God’s Sake, to be conceal’d ; but there being no Clofet or Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an India Cheft the Lady put her Cloaths in, they lock’d him in there. His Man being in the fame Danger with himielf, faid, Rather than fail, he could creep under the Maid’s Petticoats. Ob, you filly Dog, fays his Matter, that’s the commone/? Place in the Houfe. 200. The Lord N th and G———y being once at an Affembly at the Theatre Royal in the Hay Market, was pleas’d to tell Mr. #. . og 7, he would make him a Prefent of 100 /. if he would produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the faid _H- d——xgg r’s, within a Year and a Day. Mr. H——d— xg r went inftantly and fetch’d a Look- ing-Glafs,-and prefenting it to his Lordcfhip, faid, He did not doubt but his Lordfbip had Honour enough to keep his Promife. tor. A young Fellow praifing his\Miftrefs before a very amorous Acquaintance of his, after having run through moft of her Charms, he came at Length to her Majeitick Gait, fine Air, and delicate flender Waitt : Hold, fays his Friend, go no lower if you love me. But, by your Leave, fays the other, J hope to go- lower if £28 loves me. yes 2024 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs.) 49 202. The old Lord Strancford taking a Bottle with the Parfon of the Parifh, was commending his own Wine: Here, Doétor, faid he, I can fend a Couple of Ho ho-ho-hounds to Fra Fra-France, (for his Lordthip had a great Impediment in his Speech) and have a Ho- ho-hogfhead of Wine for them ; What do you fay to that Doétor? Why, replied he, I fay that your Lord- fhip has your Wine Dog cheap 203. The famous Fack Ogle, of facetious Memory, - having borrowed on Note the Sum’ of Five Pounds, and failing in Payment, the Gentleman who had lent the Money, took Occafion indifcreetly to talk of it in the publick Coffee-houfe, which obliged Fack to take Notice of it, fo that it came to a Challenge.’ Being got into the Field, the Gentleman, a little tender in Point of Courage, offered him the Note to make the Matter up ; to which our Hero readily confented, and had the Note delivered. But now, faid the Gentleman, if we fhould return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore, let us give one another a flight Scratch, and fay we wounded one another. With all my Heart, fays Fack ; Come, Pll wound you firft; fo drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro’ the flefhy Part of his Antagonift’s Arm, ’till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes, This being done, and the Wound ty’d up with a Handkerchief: Come, fays the Gentleman, now where fhall I wound you? ‘ack putting himfelf in a fighting Pofture, cried, Where you can, by G ad, Sir: Well, well, fays the other, I can {wear I received this Wound of you ; and fo march’d off contentedly. 204. In Eighty Eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple-Bar along Fleet fireet, on fome Proceffion, the Lawyers were ranged on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on. the other; fays the Lord Bacon, then a Student, to a Lawyer that flood next him, Do but objerve the Courtiers ; if they boa firf} to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if tous, they arein Law. 205. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at a Tavern, the Cook, inftead of a Pudding, had cramm’d the Belly full of Tyme, but bad not above half roafted the Hare, the Legs being almoft raw; which one of ' ; D4 the 40 J} Oe! Mie L' E'R’sJ e's T's? the Company obferving, faid, There was too much Thyme, (Time) in tne Belly, and too little in the Legs. ioe Two Countrymen who had never feen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in Drury-Lane, when they placed themfelves fnug in the Corner of the Middle Gallery; the firft Mafick play’d, which they lik’d well enough; then the Second and Third, to their great Satisfaction: At Jength the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors entered to begin the Play ; upon which, one of the Countrymen cry’d to the other, Come, Hodge, /et’s be going, ma hap the Gentlemen are talking about Bufinefs. 207. Two infeparable Comrades in the Guards in Flan- ders, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being an extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trufted with Money, the other was always Purfe-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would, at Night, frequently pick his Pocket to the laft Stiver ; to pre- vent which, he bethought himfelf of a Stratagem; and — coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them he had bit his Comrade. Ay, hor ? faid they ; Why, replied he, I Aid my Money in his own Pocket laft Night, and I was fure he would never look for it there. 208. The famous Sir George Rooke, when he was a Captain of Marines, was quartered at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men; at length the Parfon refus’d to perform the Ceremony of their Inter- ment any more, unlefs he was paid for it, which being told Captain Rooke, he order'd fix Men of his Com- pany to carry the Corpie of the Soldier then dead, and Jay him upon the Parfon’s Hall-Table. This fo em- barraffed the Prieft, that he fent the Captain Word, Jf he would fetch the Man away, he'd bury bim, and all bis Company for nothing. zog. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Be- nefit of the Country where he refided, caufed a large Caufeway to be begun: And as he was one Day over- . looking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by ; We//, Doéior, {aid he, for all your great Pains and Charity, JOE MILLER’s Jests.: 41 L don’t take.this tobe the Highway to Heaven. Very true, my Lord, veply’d the Doctor, for if it had, I foould have ewonder'd to have met your Lordfhip here. 210. Two Jefuits having pack’d togerher an innu- merable Parcel of miraculous Lies, a Perfon who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. A/ban’s there was a Stone Ciftern, in which Water was always pre- ferved for the Ufe of that Saint ; and that ever fince, if a Swine fhould eat out of it, he would inftantly die. The Jefuits hugging themfelves at the Story, fet out the next Day to St. d/ban’s, where they found them- felves miferably deceived. On their Return, they up-, braided the Perfon with telling them fo monftrous a Story. Look ye there now, {aid he, you told me a hundred Lies f'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradia yOu 5 rh told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to CLES which is very uncivil. 211. A Welchman and an Engli/bman vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulnefs of their Countries, the Exglib- man faid, There was a Clofe near the Town where he was born, which was fo very fertile, that if a Kiboo was thrown in over Night, it would be fo cover’d with Grafs that it would be difficult to find it the next Day. Sp/ut, fays the Welchman, What's that? There's a Clofe where hur was born, where you may put your Horfe in over Night, and not be able to find him next Morning. 212. A Country Fellow in Charles the Ild’s Time, felling his Load of Hay in the Haymarket, two Gentle- men, who came out of the B/ue Poffs, were talking of Affairs ; one faid, That Things did not go right, the King had been at the Houfe, and prorogued the Parlia- ment, The Countryman coming Home, was asked, What News in London? Odad’sheart, faid he, theres Something to do there ; the King has, it feems, berogued the Parliament fadly. 213. A wild young Gentleman having married a very difcreet, virtuous young Lady, the better to reclaim him, fhe caufed it to be given out, at his Return from his Travels, that fhe was dead, and had been buried : In the mean Time, fhe had fo placed herfelf in Difguife, as 42) JOEIMPL LE R’s Jesrs. as to be able to obferve how he took the News; and finding bim ftill the fame gay inconftant Man he al-. ways had been, fhe appeared to him as the Ghoft of herfelf, at which he ieemed not at all difmayed ; at length, difclofing herfelf to him, he then appeared pretty much furprizd; a, Perfon by faid, Why, Sir, you feem more afraid now than before. Ay, replied he, moft Men are more afraid of a living Wife than of a dead one. 214 An under Ctlicer of ‘the Cultoms at the Port of Live: pool, ranning heedlefly along a Ship’s Gunnel, hap- pened to tip over Board, and was drown’d; being foon atter taken up, the Cororer’s . Jury was fummon’d to fit upon the Body : One of the Jurymen returning Home, was call’d co by an Alderman of the Town, and ask’d what Verdiét they brought it, and whether they found it Feb de fe? Ay, ay, fays the Jury-man, fhaking his Noddle, he fel into the Sea fure enough. 215. One lofing a Bag of Money of about 507 be- tween the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fix’d a Paper up, offering 107 Reward to thofe who took it up, and fhould return it: Upon which, the Perfon that had it, came and writ underneath to the following Effet, Sir, I thank jou, but you really bid me to my Lofs. 216. Two Brothers coming once to be executed for fome enormous Crime, the Eldeft was turn'd off firft, _ without {peaking one Word: The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whofe Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting fome Con- fefion from him. Good People, fays he, my Brother hangs before my Face, and you fee what a lamentable Spectacle he makes in a few Moments I foall be turd off too, and then you will fee a Pair of Spe@acles. _ 217. It was an ufual Saying of King Charla IT. That Sailors got gheir Money like Horfes, and {pent it dike Affes. The following Story is‘ fomewhat an In- flance of it: One Sailor coming to fee another on Pay- Day, defired to borrow Twenty Shillings of him. ‘The Monied Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half Crown thrafting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tel! again; but then an impertinent Crown- piece was as officious as his Half Brother had been, and again FOB VEL E R’s"J rs tist 49 again interrupted the Tale; fo that taking up a Hand. ful of Silver, he cry’d, Here, Fack, give me a Handful when your Ship’s paid, what a Pox fignifies counting it. ~ 218. A Perfon enquiring what became of Such-a-one 2? © Oh ! dear, fays one of the Company, poor Fellow, he died infolvent, and was buried by the Parifh. Died iz Jolvent, cries another, that’s a Lie, for he died in Exgland; Lam fure Iwas at his, burying. 219. A humourous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnerfhip with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the leait Ufe of it, whilft the other had plenti- fully ftor’d his Part with Corn and Hay. In a little Time the latter came to him, and confcientioufly ex- poftulated with him upon laying out his Money fo fruit- lefsly. Pray Neighbour, fays he, ne'er trouble your Head, you may dowhat you will with your Part of the Barn, but L will fet mine on Fire. ; 220. An Iriman whom King Charles I. had fome Refpeét for, being only an inferior Servant of the Hou- fhold, one Day coming into the King’s Prefence, his Majefty ask’d him, How his Wife did? who had jut before been cut for a Fi/fula on her Backfide. I humbly thank your Majefty, replied Teague, fhe’s like to do well, but the Surgeon fays, Jt wall be an Eye fore as long as foe lives. 221. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run thro’ a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to fome Streights, was innocently faying to him one Day, My Dear, I want fome Shifts fadly. D--me, Madam, replies he, ow can that be, when we make fo many every Day ?. 222. A Fellow once flanding in the Pillory at Tem- ple Bar, it occafion’d a Stop, fo that a Carman with a Load of Cheefes had much ado to pafs ; and driving juit - up to the Pillory, he ask’d, What that was that was wrote over the Perfon’s Head: They told him it was a Paper to fignify his Crime, that he ftood there for Forgery. Ay, faid he, What is Forgery? :They an- fwered him, That Forgery was counterfeiting another's: Hand, with Intent to cheat People : ‘To which the Car- : man 44 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs, man replied, looking up at the Offender, Of, Pox, this comes of your Writing and Reading. you filly Dog. 223. Matter Fobuny fitting one Summer’s Evening on the Green with his Mother’s Chambermaid, among other little Familiarities, as kiffing, prefling her Bubbies, and the like, took the Liberty, unawares, to fatisfy himfelf whereabouts fhe tied her Garters, and by an un- lucky Slip, went fariher than he fhould have done. At which, the poor Creature blufhing, cried, Be quiet, Mr. John, PU throw a Stone at your Head elfe. Ay, Child, faid he, P'/] fling two at your Tail if you do. 224. When the Prince of Orange came over, at the Time of the Revolution, Five of the Seven Bifhops who were fent to the Yower, declared for his Highnefs, and the two others would not come into Meafures; upon which, Mr. Dryden faid, That the Seven Golden Candle- flicks were fent to be effay'd in the Tower, and five of them \ proved Prince’s Metal. 225. A Dog coming open-mouth’d at a Serjeant upon ‘a March, he ran the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat, and kill’d him. The Owner coming out, rav’d extremely that his Dog was kill’d, and ask’d the Ser- jeant, Why he could not as well have ftruck at him with 2be blunt End of his Halbert? So I would, fays he, if he had run at me with his Tai). 226. King Charles Il. being in Company with the Lord Rochefier, and others of the Nobility, who had. been drinking the beft Part of the Night, Killigrew came in. Now, fays the King, we fhall hear of our Faults: No, Faith, lays Killigrew, 1 don’t care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of. 227... A rich-old Miter finding himfelf very ill, fent for a Parfon to adminifter the lait Confolation of the Church to him: Whilft the Ceremony was performing, old Gripewell falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Door offered the Chalice,to him. Jndeed, cries he, I cat! afford to lend you above Twenty Shillings upon't; I can't upon my Word. 228. A Perfon who had a chargeable Stomach, ufed often to affwage his Hunger at a Lady’s Table, having promiled, one ‘lime or other, to help her to a Husband. At JOE MILLER’s Jests: “4s At length he came to her, Now, Madam, fays he, I have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worthip and Dignity, one that will furnifh out a Table well. Phoo, fays the Lady, your Mind’s ever running on your Belly. No, fays he, "tis fometimes running @your’s, you fee. 229. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-Bed, defired her Husband, That, as fhe had brought him a Fortune, fhe might have Liberty to make her Will, for beftowing a few Legacies to her Relations. No, by G d, Madam, fays he, you have had your Will all your Life-time, and now I will have M2HE « 230. When the Lord Fefferies, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence againtt his Client, pufhed the Matter very Home on the Side he fwore of. Fefferies, after his ufual Way, called out to the Fellow, Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for Swearing? To which the Countryman fmartly reply’d, Faith, Sir, if you had no more for Lying, than I have for Swearing, you might een wear a Leather Doublet too. 231. The fame Feferies afterwards, on the Bench, told an old Fellow with a long Beard, that he fuppofed he had a Confcience as long as his Beard. Does your Lord- foip, replied the old Man, meafure Confciences hy Beards ? If fo, your Lord{bip has no Beard at all. _ 232. Apelles the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of Alexander the Great on Horfeback, brought it, and prefented it to that Prince ; but he not beftowing that Praife on it which fo excellent a Piece deferv’d, Apelles defired a living Horfe might be brought; who, moved by Nature, fell a Prancing and Neighing, as tho’ it had been actually a living Creature of the fame Species ; whereupon pelles told Alexander, That his Horfe underftood Painting better than himfelf. Wal 233. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask’d her, If fhe had con- fidered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to ‘cuckold her Husband? Lord, my Dear, faid the, what Shs do oe ¥6 JO.B MILLE R’s Jesrs. do you mean? I never had fuch a Thing in my Head, nor never will. No, 0, replied he, [ /ball have it in my Head, you will have it fomewhere elfe. 234. The Lord Dorfer, in a former Reign, was asking a certain Bifhop, Why he conferr’d Orders on fo many Blockheads? O+, my Lord, faid he, i¢ is better the Ground Jhould be ploughed by Affes, than lie quite un- tilled. 235. A certain Lady to excufe herfelf for a Frailty fhe had lately fallen into, faid to an intimate Friend of Ahew’s, Lord! how is it poffible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickht, when every Fellow has got a Key to it! 236. Mr. Dryden, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of a Fowl, and refufing it, the Lady faid, Pray Mr. Dryden take it, the Rump is the beft Part of the Fowl. Yes Madam, faid he, and fo I think at is of the Fair. 237. A Company of Gamefters falling out at a Ta- vern, gave one another very fcurvy Language: At length, thofe dreadful Meflengers of Anger, the Bottles and Glaffes, flew about like Hail Shot; one of which, — miftaking its Errand, and hitting the Wainfcoat, inftead ~ of the Perfon’s Head it was thrown at, brought the Drawer rufhing in ; who cried, D’ye call, Gentlemen? Call Gentlemen, fays one of the Standers by, x0, they don’t call Gentlemen, but they call one another Rogue and Rafeal as faft as they can. _. 238. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addreffes to a married Woman, Pray, Sir, be quiet, faid fhe, I have a Husband that won’t thank you for making him a Cuckold. No, Madam, replied he, but you will, I hope. 239. One obferving a crooked Fellow in clofe Argu- ment with another, who would have diffuaded him from fome inconfiderable Refolution, faid to his Friend, Prithee let him alone, and Jay no more io him, you fee he's bent upon it. 240. Bully Daw/on was overturn’d in a Hackney- Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and bein; got on his Legs again, he faid, "Iwas the ergte . eis i Piece — i " ST gar aaa JOE MIL LE Rs J esa eh » Aage Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had faved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman. 241. A. vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her faft in his Arms. Heydey, faid the, what do you fight after the French Way ; take Towns before you declare War? No, Faith, Widow, faid he, but I fhould be glad to imitate them fo far, as to be in the Middle of the Country before you could refilt me. 242. Sir Godfrey Kvneller, the Painter, and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a Garden in ‘common, but with one Gate : Sir Godfrey, upon fome Occafion, ordered the Gate to be nailed up. When the Doétor heard of it, he faid, He did not Care what Sir Godfrey did to the Gate, fo he did not pain¢ it: This being told Sir Godfrey, Well, replied he, I can take that or any Thing but Phytic. from my good Friend Dr, Ratcliffe. . 243. ‘The fame Phyfician, who was not the Aumblefp Man in the World, being fent for by Sir Edward Sey- mour, Who was faid to be one of the proudef, the Knight received him while he was drefling his Feet, and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a Diabetes, and upon the Doé¢tor’s entering the Room, accofted him: in this Manner : So, Quack, faid he, [’'m a dead Man, for I pifs fweet. Do you, replied the Dottor, then pri- thee pifs upon your Toes, for they ftink damnably; and fo turning round on his Heel, went out of the Room. 244. A certain worthy Gentleman having, among his Friends, the Nick-Name of Bos, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name; when his late Maje- fty conferr’d the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pam- phlet was foon after publifh’d, with many farcaftical, Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from Horace as a Motto, wiz. ant -——- Opiat Ephippia Bos My Lord ask’d a Friend who could read Lariz, What that meant ? It is as much as to fay, my Lord, faid he, “that you become Honours as a Sow does a Saddle. Oh! very fine! faid my Lord. Soon after, another Friend “gt . coming Tis “Piya @ sAiike toy wh ce om ban iy 48 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs: Coming to fee him, the Pamphlet was again fpoken of, I would, fays my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don’t know the Author of the Pamphlet, faid his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto. Ay, cried my Lord, prithee who was it? Ho- race, an{fwered the other. How, replied his Lordship, a dirty Dog! is that the Return he makes for all the Services L have done him and his Brother ! 245. A wild Gentleman having picked up his own Wife, in Difguife, for a Miftrefs, the Man, to keep his Mafter in Countenance, got to Bed to’ the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Affair was difcovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Atonement for his Offence, to make the Girl Amends by marrying her. Well, fays he, Little did my Mafter and I think, laft Night, that we evere robbing our own Orchards. 246, One feeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask’d, What Eftace she had? OA, fays another, @ very good Eftate in Tail. 247. In the great Difpute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a great Courtier, faid, His Adver- fary reafon’d well, but he bark’d like a Cur. To which the other replied, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking. 248. Second Thoughts, we commonly fay, are beft, and young Women who pretend to be averfe to Mar- riage, defire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, If she would have him? Faith, xo John, fays she, but you may have me if you will. 249. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called ta his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and {faid, Ab, Tom, I am going a long rugged fourney, eworfe than ever you drove me. Ob, dear Sir, replied the Fel- low, (he having been but an indifferent Mafer to him) ne'er let that difcourage you, for it is all down Hill. 250. An honeft bluff Country. Farmer meeting the Parfon of the Parish in a Bye-Lane, and not giving him the Way fo readily as he expected, the Parfon, with an erected Creft, told him, He was better fed than taught. | ; =| oie on de "Very re. oe bowie yw JOEMILLER’s Jests. 49 Very true, indeed, Sir, replied the Farmer, for you teach me, and I feed myfelf. 251. A famous Teacher of Avithmetick, who had long been married, without being able to get his Wife with Child; one faid to her, Madam, your Husband is an excellent Arithmetician. Yes, replied fhe, only he cannot multiply. 252. An arch Boy being ata Table where there was a piping-hot Apple-Pye, putting a Bit into his Mouth, burnt it fo that the Tears ran down his Cheeks. A Gen- tleman that fat by, ask’d him, Why he wept? Only, faid he, becaufe it is juft come into my Remembrance that my poor Grandmother dy’d this Day Twelvemonth. Phoo, faid the other, is that all? So, whipping a large — Piece into his Mouth, he quickly fympathiz’d with the Boy ; who feeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer, ask’d him, Why he wept ?. 4 Pox om you, faid he, becaufe you were not hang’d, you young Dog, the fame Day your Grandmother died. 253. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one Day fitting alone with him, fhe jaid, Come, my Dear, you write upon other People, prithee write fomething for me; let me fee what Epi- taph you'll beflow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, replied he, that’s a melancholic Subject, prithee don’t think of it: Nay, upon my Life you fhall, adds fhe ; come, I’ll begin, Here lies Bid: To which he anfwer’d, . Ah! Iwifh fee did. 254. A Cowardly Servant. having been hunting with his Lord, they had kill’d a Wild-Boar ; the Fellow fee- ing the Boar ftir, betook himfelf to a Tree; upon which his Mafter call’d to him, and ask’d him, What he was afraid of, the Boar’s Guts were out? No Matter for that, faid he, Ais Teeth are in. 255. One telling another that he had once fo excellent ? aGun that it went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the Houfe, altho’ it was not charged : How the Devil can that be, faid the other? Bpcau/e, faid the oo: Shale E s incagey Firtt, fo JOEMILLER’s Jesrs. Firft, the Thief carried it off, and what was worfe, before I had Time to charge him with it. 256. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link Boy cried, Have a Light, Gentle- men? Light yourfelf to the Devil you Dog, fays one of the Company. Bk/s you, Mafer, replied the Boy, we can find the Way in the Dark: Shall we light your Worfbip shither 2 257. A Perfon was once try’d at King/fox before the late Lord Chief Juftice Ho/t, for having two Wives, where one Uzs¢ was to have been the chief Evidence againft him. After much calling for him, Word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. Ns, fays his Lordfhip, why then all I can fay is, Mr. Unit frands for a Cypher. 258. It is certainly the moft tranfcendent Pleafure fo be agreeably furpriz’d with the Confeffion of Love, from an ador’d Miftrefs. A young Gentleman, after 2 very great Misfortune, came to his Miftrefs, and told her, he was reduc’d even to the Want of Five Guineas. To which fhe replied, I am glad of it with all my Heart. Are you fo, Madam, adds he, fufpecting her Conftancy ; Pray, why fo? Becau/e, fays the, f can fur- nifh you with Five Thoufand. 259. Ona publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bon- fires and Illuminatioms were made, fome honeft Fellows were drinking the King’s Health, and Profperity to England, as }ong as the Sun and Moon endured. 4, fays one, azd 500 Years after, for I have put bath my Sons Apprentices to a Tallow-Chandler. 260. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his laft Suit of Cloaths ; one faid te him, Now, I hope, you'll own yourfelf a happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares. How fo, faid theGentleman? Becau/e, faid the other, you have mothing left to take Care of. 261. Some Years ago, when his Majefty ufed to hunt frequently in Richmond-Park, it brought fuch Crowds of People thither, that Orders were given to admit none when the King was there himfelf, but the Servants of the JOE MILLER’s JesTts. gf: the Houfhold. A fat Country Parfon having, on one of thofe Days, a ftrong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain B d——ns promifed to introduce him ; but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would have ftopp’d him, by telling him, that none but the Houfhold were admitted, Why, d mn you, faid the Captain, don’t you know the Gentleman? He's his Majefty’s Hunting Chaplain. Upon which, the Keepers asked Pardon, and fuffered the reverend Gentleman to follow his Sport. 262. The learned Mr. Charées Barnard, Serjeant Sur- geon to Queen Anne, being very fevere upon Parfons having Pluralities, a reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at length took him up with this Queftion: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Bar- nard, rail thus at Pluralities, who have always fo many Sine Cures upon your Hands ? 263. Dr. Liyd, Bifhop of Worcefer, fo eminent for his Prophefies, when, by his Sollicitations and Comipli- ance at Court, he got removed from a poor Welch Bi-. fhoprick, to a rich Exgij one. A reverend Dean of the Church faid, That he found his Brother Lloyd /pelt Prophet with an F.* 264. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country having employ’d an Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do fome, Law Bufinefs for him in Lomdon, he was greatly furpriz’d, on his coming to Town, and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at leaft three Times the Sum he expected ; the Aone? Attorney afflured him, that there was no Arti- cle in his Bill, but what was fair and reafonable: Nays faid the Country Gentleman, there’s one of them I am- fure cannot be fo, for you have fet down three Shil- lings and four Pence for going to Southwark, when none of my Bufinefs lay that Way; pray what is the Mean- ing of that, Sir? Of, Sir, faid he, thar was for fetch. ing the Chine and Turkey, from the Carrier's, that you fent me for a Prefent out of the Country. EK 2 265. . Moft of tke Clergy folew this Spelling. 52 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. 265. A Gentleman going into a Meeting-Houfe, and ftumbling over one of the Forms that were fet there, cry’d out in a Paffion, Who the Devil expected Set Forms in a Meeting-houfe ? 266. My Lord Chief Juftice Fefferies had a Caufe be- fore him between a Few that was Plaintiff, and a Chri- fiian Defendant. The latter pleaded, though the Debt was very juft, that the ew had no Right, by the Laws of England, to bring an Aétion. Well, fays my Lord, have you no other Plea? No, my Lord, fays he, I infift on this Plea. Do you, fays my Lord, then set wie zell you, you are the greater Jew of the tavo. 267. A Butcher in Smithfield, that lay. on his Death- Bed, faid to his Wife, My Dear, I am not a Man for this World, therefore I advife you to marry our Man Fobn, he is a lufty ftrong Fellow, fit for your Bufinefs. Oh, dear Husband, faid fhe, if that’s all, never let it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that Matter al- abady. 268. A Gentleman having befpoke a Supper at an dnn, defir’d his Landlord to fup with him. The Hof came up, and thinking to pay a greater Compliment than ordinary to his Gueft, pretended to find Fault with the laying the Cloth, and took the Plates and Knives, and threw them down Stairs. ‘The Gentleman refolving not to baulk his Humour, threw the Bottles and Glafles down alfo ; at which the Hoft being furpriz’d, enquired the Reafon of his fo doing. Nay, nothing, reply’d the Gentleman, but when I faw you throw the Plates and Knives down Stairs, I thought you had a Mind to fup be- hw. 269. A Philofopher carrying fomething hid under his Cloak, an impertinent Perfon ask’d him, What he had under his Cloak? To which the Philofopher anfwer- ed, J carry it there that you might not know. 270. When his late Majefty, in coming, from Hol- fand, happened to meet with a violent Storm at Sea, the Captain of the Yatcht cried to the Chaplain, In five Minutes more, Doctor, we fhall be with the Lord ; The Lord forbid, anf{wered the Dogor. 270s JOE MIL LER’s Jesrs) ¥3 271. A Gentleman who had been a great Traveller, would oftentimes talk fo extravagantly of the wonder- ful Things he had feen Abroad, that a Friend of his took Notice to him of his expofing himfelf as he did te all Companies, and ask’d him the Meaning of it? Why, fays the Traveller, I have got fuch a Habit of Lying fince I have been Abroad, that I really hardly know when [ Lye, and when I fpeak Truth, and fhould be very much oblig’d to you, if you would tread upon my ‘Toe at any Time, when I am likely to give myfelf too much Liberty that Way: His Friend promifed he would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a Ta- vern with him and other Company, when the Traveller was, amongit other ftrange Things, giving an Account of a Church he had feen in Jta4, that was above two Miles long, he trod on his Toe, juft as one of the Company had ask’d, How broad that fame Church might be? Oh, faid he, not above two Foot. Upon which, the Company burfting into a loud Laugh; Zounds, {aid he, if you bad not trod upon my Toe, I foauld- have made it as broad as it was long. 272. A Jultice of Peace feeing a Parfon on a very flately Horfe, riding between London and Hamp/ftead, faid to fome Gentlemen who were with him, Do you fee what a beautiful Horfe that proud Parfon has got, I'l banter him a little. Doéor, faid he, you don’t follow the Example of your great Mafter, who was humbly content to vide upon an Afs. Why really, Sir, replied the Parfon, the King has made fo many Affis Fuftices, that an honeft Cler= gyman can hardly find one to ride if be bad a Mind to it. 273. A great deal of Company being at Dinner ata Gentleman’s Houfe, where a Silver Spoon was laid at the Side of every Plate, one of the Company watching for a convenient Opportunity, as he thought, flid one of them into his Pocket ; but being obferv’d more nar- rowly than he was aware of, the Gentleman who fat oppofite to him, took up another, and ftuck it in the Button-Hole of his Bofom? which the Mafter of the Houfe perceiving, ask’d him, in good Humour, What was his Fancy in that? Why, faid he, I thought every a E 3 Man 64 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs: Maz was to have one, becaufe I faw that Gentleman, over- againft me, put one in his Pocket. 274. The Duchefs of Newcafile, who wrote Plays and Romances in King Charles the Second’s Time, ask’d Bithop Wilkins, How fhe fhould get up to the World in the Moon, which he had difcover’d; for, as the Journey muft needs be vey long, there would be no Poflibility of going through it, without refting on the Way? O+, Madam, faid the Bifhop, your Grace has built fo many Caftles in the Air, that you cannot want a Place to bait at. 275. An old Man who had married a young Wife, complained to a Friend, how unhappy he had always been: When I was young, {aid he, I went Abroad for Want of a Wife; and now | am old, my Wife goes Abroad for Want of a Husband. 276. A rich Farmer’s Son, who had been bred at the Univerfity, coming Home to vifit his Father and Mo- ther, they being one Night at Supper on a Couple of Fowls, he told them, that by Logick and Arithmetick, he could prove thofe two Fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, faid the old Man. Why this, cried the Scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is ¢ao, two and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out fo well, anfwered the old Man, your Mother jhall have the firft Fowl, I will have the Second, and the Third you may keep yourself, far. your great Learning. 277. A young Spark dining at a Friend’s Houfe, and having promifed a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon, but being obliged to ftay and play at Cards, he fent his Man with an Excufe to the Lady, and whifper’d him, that when he came back, he might deliver his Anfwer before the Company aloud, as if he came from a Gen- tleman ; accordingly away went the Servant, and being call’d in on his Return, Well, faid his Mafter, was the Gentleman at Home? Yes, Sir, anfwered the Man. And what faid he, replied the Mafter ? That it was very well, for he was engaged this Evening. And what was he doing? Putting on his Hood and Manteel to go to the Play, Sir, {aid the Footman. 278. JOE MILLER’s Jests. 55 278. A Gentleman who had a Suit in Chancery, was ¢eall’d upon by his Counfel to put in his Anfwer, for Fear of incurring a Contempt. And why, faid the Gen- tleman, is not my Anfwer put in? How fhould I draw your Anfwer, cried the Lawyer, ’till I know what you can fwear? Pox on your Scruples, replied the Client, prithee, do you do your Part as a Lawyer, and draw a fuf- ficient Anfwer, and let me atone to da the Part of a Gentle- man, and fwear to it. 279. A Country Lafs with a Pail of Milk on her Head, going to Market, was reckoning all the Way, what fhe might make of it. This Milk, faid the, will bring me fo much Money, that Money will buy fo many Eggs, thofe Eggs fo many Chickens, and, with. the Fox’s Leave, thofe Chickens will make me Miftrefs of a Pig, and that Pig may grow a fat Hog, and when I have fold that, I may buy a Cow and Calf: And then, fays fhe, comes a Sweetheart, perhaps a Farmer ; him I marry, and my Neighbours will fay, How do you da, Goody Such.a-one? And I'll anfwer, Thank you, Neighbour, Sow do you? But may be my Sweetheart may bea Yeo- man, and then it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a- one? I'll fay, Thank you. Oh! but fuppofe 1 fhould marry a Gentleman; then they’ll fay, Your Servant, Madam but then Pll tofs up my Head, and fay nothing. Upon the Tranfport of this Thought, and with the Motion of her Head, down came the Milk, which put an End at once to her fine Scheme of her Eggs, her Chickens, her Pig, her Hog, and her Husband. 280. Daniel Purcel, who was a Nonjuror, was telling a Friend of his, when King George the Firft, landed at Greenwich, that he had a full View of him. Then, faid his Friend, you know him by Sight? Yes, replied Daniel, I think I know him, but 1 can’t fwear to him. 281. An Engh/bman going into one of the French Or- dinaries in Soho, and finding a large Difh of Soop, with about half a Pound of Mutton in the Middle of it, be- gan to pull off his Wig, his Stock, and then his Coat 5 at which, one of the Monfieurs being much furpriz’d, ask’d him, What he was going todo? Why, wage : 4 id 46 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs: faid he, I mean to firip, that I may fwim thro this Ocean of Porridge to yon little Ifand of Mutton. 28z. A Countryman driving an Afs by St. Fames’s Gate one Day, which, being dull and reftif, he was forced to beat it very much; a Gentleman coming out of the Gate, chid the Fellow for ufing his Beaft fo cruelly : Ob, dear Sir, faid the Countryman, J am glad to find my Afi has a Friend at Court. 283. A Lady perceiving her Maid to be with Child, ask’d her, Who was the Father of it? Indeed, Madam, faid fhe, my Mafter. And where did he get it, faid the Lady? In’ your Chamber, Madam, anfwered the other, afrer.you were gone to Bed. And why did not you cry out, faid the Lady ? Indeed, Madam, replied the other, L, made no Noife for Fear of awaking rou. 284. One Irjyman meeting another, ask’d, What was become: of their old Acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear Honey, an{wered the other, poor Patty swas condemu'd to be bang’d ; but he fav'd bis Life by dying an Prifon. 285. Another Jri/max getting on a high mettled Horfe, it ran away with him ; upon which, one of his Companions called to him to ftop him: Arrah, Honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no Spurs. 286. An honelt Welch Carpenter, coming out of Car- diganfbire, got Work in Bri/fol, where, in a few Months, he had faved, befides his Expences, about Yavelve Shil- dings; and with this prodigious Sum of Money, return- ing into his own Country, when he came upon Mile-Hill, he look’d back on the Town: 4h, poor Priftow, faid he, if one or two more of hur Countrymen were to give hur fuch another Shake as bur has done, it would be poor Priftow indeed. 287. It being ask’d in Company with my Lord C. d, whether the Piers of Weftminfter-Bridge would be of Stone or Wood, O+, faid my Lord, of Stone to be fure, for ave have too many Wooden Piers (Peers) already at Wett- miniter. ; 288. When the late Lords Z ch ve and Ca——d-——z had a Rencounter in the Upper Park, the frft coming Home to his Lady, told her what had hap- JOE MILLER’s Jests: ‘5% pened, and faid, He was fure he was touched by my Lord C. ms Sword ; and ‘ftripping himfelf, defired her'to look if he had no Wound or Prick about him ; upon which, the good Lady, fearching very diligently, | told him, She faw but one, and that was avery {mall "one, at the Botiom of his Belly. 289. One telling Charles XII. of Sxweden, juft before the Battle of Narva, that the Enemy was three to one: fam glad to bear it, anfwered the King, for then there there will be enough to kill, enough to take Prifaners, and enough to run away. z90. A poor ingenious Lad, who wasa Servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to buy a new Pair of Shoes, when his old ones were very bad, got them capp’d at the Toes, upon which, being banter’d by fome of his Companions, Why fhould they not be cappd, {aid he, Lam fure they are FELLOWS. 291. The Standers-by, to comfort a poor Man, who lay on his Death-Bed, told him, He fhould be carried to Church by four proper Fellows: J thank ye, {aid he, but I had much rather go by myfelf. 292. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his pun- ning Cuftomers being at his Burial, and looking on the Grave, cried out, This is a more lafiing Button-Hole than any made by a Taylor. 293. One asking a Painter how he could paint fuch pretty Faces in his Pictures, and yet get fuch homely Children? Becauje, faid he,.I make the firft by Day- Light, and the other in the Dark. 294. Atoping Feilow was one Night making his Will over his Bottle; I will give, faid he, Fifty Pounds — to Five ‘Taverns, to drink to my Memory when I am dead : Ten Pounds to the Sa/utation for Courtiers; Ten Pounds to the Caftle for Soldiers ; Ten Pounds to the Mitre for Parfons ; Ten Pounds to the Horm for Citi- zens ; and Ten Pounds to the Devil for the Lawyers. | 295. A Gentleman calling for Small Beer at another Gentleman’s Table, finding it very hard, gave it the Servant again without drinking. What, faid the Mafter of the Houfe, don’t you like the Beer? J¢ is not to be : Sound 58 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. Sound Fault with, anfwered the other, for one /hould never Jpeak ill of the Dead. 296. Some Men and their Wives, who all lived in the fame Street, and on the fame Side of the Way, being merry-making at a Neighbour’s Houfe, faid one of the Husbands, It is reported, that all the Men in our Row are Cuckolds but one: His Wife foon after being a little thoughtful, What makes you fo fad, my Dear ? faid her Husband, I hope you are not offended at what I faid. No, replied fhe, Jam only confidering who that one can be in our Row that is not a Cuckold. 297. A certain Lord who had a termagant Wife, and at the fame Time a Chaplain, who was a tolerable Poet, my Lord defired him to write a Copy of Verfes ona Shrew. J cannot imagine, {aid the Parfon, why your Lordbip foould want a Copy who have fo good an Original. 298. A Parfon in his Sermon having vehemently in- veighed againft Ufury, and faid, That lending Money upon Ufe was as great a Sin as Wilful Murder ; havmg fome Time after an Occafion to borrow Twenty Pounds himielf, and coming to one of his Parifhioners with that Intent ; the other ask’d him, If he would have him guilty of a Crime, ho had fpoke io much againit, and iend out Money upon Ufe. No, faid the Parfon, I would have you lend it Gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my Opinion, if lending Money upon Ufe be as bad as Wilful Murder, lending it Gratis can be little better than Felo-de-fe. 299. A Gentleman talking of his Travels, a Lady ' in Company faid, She had been a great deal farther, and feen more Countries than he. Nay then, Madam, replied the Gentleman, as Travellers, we may lie together by Authority. 300. One ask’d his Friend, Why he, being fo pro- per a Man himfelf, had married fo fmall a Wife. "Why Friend, faid he, I thought you had known, that of all Evils we fhould chufe the leaft. 301. A Lady feeing a Gentleman dance, found Fault with him, and faid, He ftraddled too much. Of, Ma- dam, replicd the Gallant, 7 you had that between your Legs JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. 69 Legs that I have, you would ftraddle a great deal more, I dare fay. 30z. AGentleman fpeaking of Peggy Y——-s, the famous Courtezan, who has always an Abundance of fine Cloaths, faid, She was like a Squirrel, for fhe always covered her Back with her Tail. 303. A Gentleman threatning to go to Law, was diffuaded from it by his Friend, who defired him to confider, for the Law was chargeable: I don’t care, re- plied the other, I will not confider, I will go to Law. Right, faid his Friend, for if you go to Law Lam fure you don’t confider, 304. A Man and his Wife being in Bed together, to- wards Morning, Madam, pretending to be much out of Order, defired to lie on her Husband’s Side; the good Man, to humour her, came over, but made fome fhort Stay in the Middle; about half an Hour after, fhe wanted to come on her own Side of the Bed again the good Man obliged her the fecond Time ; but, not content with this, a little while after fhe would needs change Places again: How can it be, faid the Husband ? Why, can’t you come the fame Way you did before, faid the Wife? No, dy my Troth, replied he, I would rather go Five Miles about. 305. Acertain Lord would fain have perfuaded a De- pendant on his Lordthip to marry his caft-off Mittrefs, for tho’ faid he, fhe has been a little ufed, when fhe has gota good Husband fhe may turn: Ay, but my Lord, replied the other, Le has been fo much ufed that I fear Jee is not worth turning. 306. One good Houfewife, who was a notable Wo- man at turning and torturing her old Rags, was recom- mending her Dyer to another, as an exeellent Fellow in his Way ; That’s impoffible, faid the other, for I hear he isa great Drunkard, and beats his Wife, and runs in every Body’s Debt. What then, faid the Firft, he may be never the worfe Dyer for all thefe Things. No, anfwered the other, can you imagine fo bad a Liver car die well! ; . ~ +307. A Wench {wearing a Baftard Child to a Gen- tleman in the Country, the Jultice having a Ren or to JOE MILLER’s fesrs; for the Gentleman’s Lady, took upon him to jobe the Gentleman, and ask’d him, Why he would defile the Marriage Bed? There was no Bed in the Cafe, anfwered the Gentleman, good Mr. Jultice, for zt was done in a Field. 308. One wifhed a young married Man Joy, for fhe heard his Wife was quick already, fhe told him. , faid he, quick iadeed, for I have been married but Six Months, and foe was brought To-bed Yefterday. 309. Acertain Lieutenant of a Man of War, under the Command of the late Lord Torrington, having in the Engagement with the Spaniards in the Mediterranean, one. of his Arms fhot off within a few Inches of his Shoulder, while the Surgeon was drefling it could not forbear laughing ; one flanding by, ask’d him the Rea- fon. Why, faid he, I cannot help thinking of a Wb I bave often made, that a certain Part about me was as long as my Arm, and now I believe it is three or four Inches - donger. 310. A poor Fellow, who growing rich on a Sudden from a very mean and beggarly Condition, and taking great State upon him, was met one Day by one of his poor Acquaintance, who accofting him ina very hum- ble Manner, but having no Notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great Wonder that you foould not know — me, when you have forgot yourfelf. 311. A Country Fellow getting into a Gentleman’s Orchard one Night, with Defign of robbing a Malber- ry Tree, had not long been in it, before one of the Men and one of the Maids came juit under the Place where he was, which made hith lay as {nug as he could "till the Bufinefs they came about was over ; when the Chambermaid began to give Vent to thofe Fears which the Fury of her Appetite would not admit into her ‘Thoughts before. Lord, Fobu, faid the, now you have kad your filthy Will, what if I fhould prove with Child, who will take Care of it ? There is one above, replied Fokn, Vhope, will provide for it. Is there fo, faid the Countryman, but Pd have you to know, that if I provide Sor any Body's Baftard, it foall be for one of my own be- getting. . ‘ 312. JOE MILLER’s Jests, 64 312. Marcus Livius, who was Governor of Tarentums when Hannibal took it, being envious to fee fo muck _ Honour done to Fabius Maximus, {aid one Day in open Senate, That it was himfelf, not Fabius Maximus, that . was the Caufe of retaking the City of Zarentum. Fabius faid {milingly, ‘Indeed, thou fpeakef Truth, for, badft thors not loft it, I fhould never have retaken tt. 313. One asking another which Way a Man might ufe Tobacco to have any Benefit from it: By jetting up @ Shop to fell it, {aid he, for certainly there is no other Profit ta be bad from it any other Way. 314. The fame Wagg, an arch one tobe fure, faid, Taylors were like Woodcocks, for they got their Sufte- nance by their dong Bills. 315. Ben Fohnfon being one Night at the Devil Ta- vern, there was a Country Gentleman in the Company, -who interrupted all other Difcourfe, with an Account of his Lands and Tenements; at laft, Bex, able to bear it no longer, faid to him, What fignifies your Dirt and your Clods to us, where you have one Acre of Land F have ten Acres of Wit. Have you fo, faid the Coun- tryman, good Mr. Wifeacre ? ‘This unexpected Repartee from’ the Clown, ftruck Bex quite mute for a Time. Why, how now, Ben, faid one of the Company, you | feem to be quite flung? I never was fo prick'd by @ Hobnail before, replied he. 316. A Taylor fent his Bill toa Lawyer for Money the Lawyer bid the Boy tell his Mafter, that he was not running away, but very bufy at that Time. The Boy comes again, and tells him he muft needs have the Money. Didft tell thy Mafter, faid the Lawyer, that, I was not running away. Yes, Sir, anfwered the Boy, but he bade me tell you that he wai. hab 317. A certain ancient Duchefs having had a Prefent made to her of a fine Stallion, going the next Day in- to her Stable.Yord, ordered him toyjbe brought out for her to fee, and then would needs have a Mare brought to him » The Groom asking which ? O/d Bef, faid the. Lord, Madam, anfwered the Groom, that will be to little Purpofe ; Q/d Be/s ts tog ald tg be with Foal. No . Matter | oe . 62 JOEMILLER’s Jzesrs. Matter for that, cry’d fhe, it will refre/e the poor old Creature. By this we may guefs what her Grace thinks a Re- Srefement for a poor old Creature. 318. A {mart Fellow, thinking to fhew his Wit one Night at the Tavern, called to the Drawer, Here, Mer- cury, faid he, take away this Bottle full of Emptinefs : Said one of the Company, Do you /peak that, Jack, of your own Head. 319. An extravagant young Fellow, rallying a fru- al Country "Squire, who had a good Eftate, and {pent Bs little of it, faid, among other Things, I'll warrant you, that Plate-button’d Suit was your Great Grand- Father’s. Yes, faid the other, and I have my Great- Grand-Father’s Lands too. 3z0. A noify talkative Spark, who had a handfome Place in the King’s Revenue, more than he merited, was holding an Argument one Day with a Gentleman ata publick Coffee-houfe; the Controverfy turned upon fome Point of Government, and his Antagonift, who had fomewhat galled him by the Strength of his Argu- ment, referred him to fuch a Place in Hiftory, where he would find how much he was miftaken in the Difpute. Phoo, fays he, d’ye think I’ve no other Bufinefs but to read Hiftories? Faith, fays the other, ’tis Pity you — had *till you had read more. 321. A Gentleman having fent for his Carpenter’s Servant to knock a Nail or two in his Study, the Fel-' jow, after he had done, fcratched his Ears, and faid, He hoped the Gentleman would give him fomething to make him drink. Make you drink, fays the Gentleman, there's a Pickle Herring for you, and if that don't make you drink, PUL give you another. 322. A young Gentleman having got his Neighbour’s Maid with Child, the Mafter, a grave Man, came to expoftulate with him about it. Lord, Sir, faid he, I wonder how you could do fo: Prithee, where is the Wonder ? faid the other, if fhe had got me with Child you might have wonder d indeed. 323. Alpbonfus, King of Naples, had in ‘his Court a Jefter, who ufed ta take Notice of the Follies of the great JOEMILLER’s Jess. 63 great Men at Court; the King having a Moor in his Houfhold, gave him ten thoufand Ducats, and fent him to the Levant, to buy Horfes; which the Fool ob. ferving, clapt it prefently in his Pocket Book. Soon after, the King, who ufed to divert himfelf with look- ing into his Book fometimes, called for it, and feeing his own Name there, ask’d the Meaning of it. Mar- ry, faid the Jefter, becaufe you have given your Money to one whom you are never likely to fee again: But if he does come back again, faid the King, and bring the Horfes, what will you fay then? Wby then, faid he, Z will blot out your Name, and put in bis. 324. ASharper of the Town feeing a Country Gen- tleman fit alone at an Inn, and thinking fomething might be made of him, he went and fat near him, and took the Liberty to drink to him. Having thus intro- duced himfelf, he called for a Paper of Tobacco, and faid, Do you {moke, Sir? Yes, faid the Gentleman, very gravely, azy one that has a Defgn upon me. 325. A certain Country Farmer was obferved never, to be in a good Humour when he was hungry : For this Reafon, his Wife was fain carefully to watch the Time of his coming Home, and always have Dinner ready on the Table ; one Day he furpriz’d her, and fhe had on- ly Time to fet a Mefs of Broth ready for him; who foon, according to Cuftom, began to open his Pipes, and maundering over his Broth, forgetting what he was about, burnt his Mouth to fome Purpofe. The good Wife feeing him in that fpluttering Condition, comforted him as follows: See what it is now, had you. kept your Breath to cool your Pottage, you had not burn? your. Mouth, John. ‘a 326. ‘The fame Woman taking up Dinner once on a Sanday, it happened that the Liquorifh Plow-Boy, who. lay under a ftrong and violent Temptation, pinch’d off the Corner of a Plumb Dumpling; which his Dame efpying, ina great Rage, laid the Wooden Ladle over his Pate, faying, Can't you flay, Sirrah, ‘till your Bet- ters are ferved before you? ‘The Boy clapping his Hand to his Head, and feeing the Blood come, ’Tis very Parte id, 64 JOEMILLER’s fests. faid he. So zt zs, Sirrah, {aid fhe, or it had not broke my Ladle. 327. Three Gentlemen being at a Tavern, whofe Names were Moore, Strange, and Wright : Said the laft, there is but one Cuckold in \Company, and that is Strange! Yes, anfwered Strange, there is one Moore: Ay, faid Moore, that’s Wright. ; 328. A Scotch Bag-piper travelling to Zreland, open’d his Wallet by a Wood-Side, and fet down to Dinner ; no fooner had he faid Grace, but three Wolves came about him. To one he threw Bread, to another Meat, *till his Provender was all gone. At length he took up his Bag-pipes, and began to play, at which the Wolves ran away. The Deel faw me, {aid Sawney, an I had keen’d you low'd Mufick fo, ye feoould have had it before Dinner. 329. Metullus Nepos asking Cicero, the Roman Orator, - in a {cofing Manner, Who was his Father? Cicero re- plied, Thy Moher bas made that Queflion harder for thee zo anfrer. 330. The Arch-Duke of Auftria having been forced to raife the Siege of a Town call’d Grave, in Holland, and to retreat privately in the Night: Queen Edizabeth faid to his Secretary here, What, your Mafter is aifen from the Grave without Sound of Trumpet. 331. Soon after the Death of a great Officer, who "was judg’d to have been no great Advancer of the King’s Affairs ; the King faid to his Sollicitor Bacon, who was Kinfman to that Lord ; Now, Bacon, tell me truly, What fay you of your Coufin? Mr. Bacon an{wered, Since your Majefty charges me to fpeak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you fuch a Cha- yater of him, as though I was to write his Story. I do think he was no fit Counfellor to have made your Affairs better, yet he was fit to have kept them from growing worfe. O my Saul, quoth the King, iz the firft thou foeak ft like a true Man; and in the latter kikéa Kinfman. 332. The fame King, in one of his Progreffes, ask’d How far it was to fuch a Town? They told him, Six BNE: ball ‘on lous altety Ne aaa eae gee ; BP. § | elena JOE MILLER’s Jests. 65 ‘Six Miles and a Half. He alighted out of his Coach, and went under the Shaulder of one of the Led-Horfes. When fome ask’d his Majefty what he meant? J muft fialk, {aid he, for yonder Town is fay, aud flies me. 333. Lawyers and Chambermaids, faid a wicked young Fellow, are like Bataam’s Afs, They newer /peak unle/s they feean Angel. ; ; 334. One being at his Wife’s Funeral, and the Bear- ers going pretty quick along,.he cry’d out to them, Don't go fo fafi; What need we make a Toil of a Pleafure ? 335. A Country Squire being in Company with his Miftrefs, and wanting his Servant, cry’d} out, Where is this Blockhead ? Upon your Shoulders, {aid the Lady. 336. A Philofopher being ask’d, Why learned Men frequented rich Men’s Houfes, but rich Men feldom vifited the Learned, Anfwered, That the firft knew what they wanted, but the latier did not. 337. Among the Articles exhibited to King Henry by the Jri//, againft the Earl of Kz/dare, the lait concluded thus : And finally allXreland cannot rule the Earl. Then, {aid the King, the Earl fhall rule all Ireland : And fo made him his Deputy. 338. Some Divines make Ufe of the Fathers and Councils, as Beaus. do of their Canes, not for Support or Defence, but meer Shew and Ornament. Is not one good Argument worth a thoufand Citations ? ‘T’o quote St. Gregory, St.Aujliz, or any other Rubrick Saint, to prove any fuch important Truth as this: That Virtue is commendable, and all Excefs is to 6e avoided, is like fend~ ing for the Sheriff to come with his Pofée Commitatus, to difperfe a few Boys that are robbing an Orchard. |. 339. Plutarch ufed to fay of Men of {mall Capacities put into great Places, like fome of our late Ambailadors, that they were like little Statues fet upon great Pillars, made to appear the lefs by their Advancement, 340. A young Fellow being told that his: Miftrefs was married, to convince him of it, the Gentleman who told him, faid, He had feen the Bride and Bride- room. Prithee, faid the forfwaken Swain, do not call them by thofe Names, I cannot bear to hear them.-—— Shall I call them Dog and Cat, apne the other ?. OA, ng i 66). T OF NIE TS Po R's! te Sr no, for Heaven's Sake, reply’d the firkt, that founds ten Times more like Man and Wife than t other. 341. Some thievith Fellows being at a Tavern, they agreed among themfelves to fteal the Silver Cup that was brought up to them ; and when they were going by the Bar, You are welcome, Gentlemen 3 kindly welcome, cry’d my Landlord. 4s, faid the Fellow with the Cup, to himfelf, 2 wih we were well gone too. 342. A Sea-Officer, who, for his Courage in a for- mer Engagement, where he had loft his Leg, had been preferr’d to the Command of a good Ship ; in the Heat of the next Engagement, a Cannon-Ball took off his Wooden Deputy, fo that he fell upon the Deck: A Seaman thinking he had been frefh wounded, called out for the Surgeon. No, xo, faid the Captain, the Carpenter will do. 343. A Gentleman faying he had bought the Stocle- ings he had on, in Wales. Really, Sir, anfwered an- other, f thought fo, for they feem to be Well-chofe, 7. ¢. Welch-hofe. 344. A Nobleman, in a certain King’s Reign, be- ing appointed Groom of the Stole, his Majefty took Notice to him of the odd Sort of Perukes he ufed to wear, and defired he would now get fomething that was graver, and more {uitable to his Age, and the high _ Office he had conferr’d on him: The next Sunday his Lordfhip appear’d at Court in a very decent Peruke, which being obferv’d by another Nobleman, famous for the Art of Punning, he came up to him, and told him, That he faw he was obliged to alter bis Locks now he had got the Key.™ 345. The late Sir Robert Henley having received a Commiffion, conftituting him Captain of the Eleanor Fire- fhip, was the fame Evening pafling Home to his Lodg- ings, when a fine Madam meeting him in the Street, ear- neftly intreated the Favour of a Glafs of Wine; the Baronet _™ The Groom of the Stole wears a Gold Key, ted maith @ blue Ribbon, at bis ift Pak, JOREMIE LER’s Jesrs. ‘6 Baronet curfing her for a filly Whore, faid, He wa‘ well content with one Fire/bip in one Day. 346. A Gentleman named Ba// being about to pur- chafe a Cornecy in a Regiment of Horfe, was prefented to the Colonel for Approbation, who being a Nobie- man, declared he did not like the Name, and would have no Bails in his Regiment. Mor Powder neither, faid the Gentleman, 7f your Lordhip could help it. 347. Two Irifomen having travelled on Foot from Chefter to Barnet, were confoundedly tired and fatigu’d with their Journey ; and the more fo, when they were told they had ftill about ten Miles to London. By my Shoul and St) Patrick, cries one of them, zt és but frve Miles a-piece, lets een walk on. 348. Young Fellows, faid a mettled Girl, are gene- rally in the Wrong, fo very impudent that they are naufeous, or fo modeft that they are ufelefs. - 349. Married Women, faid one, ufually thew all their Modefty the firft Day, as married Men fhew all their Love the firft Night. 350. For a King to engage his People in a War, to carry off every little Humour in the State, is like a Phyfician’s ordering his Patient to be flux’d for a Pimple. 351. A Waterman bélonging to the Tower, being put, by one of the Players, into the Upper Gallery in Covent-Garden Playhoufe, the Fellow, not being very fober, and falling afleep, tumbled into the Pit; but having the old Proverb on his Side, received little or na Hurt. And being told, by fome of his Companions, that he was now free of the Houfe, he went to Mr. Rich to put in his Claim, who very readily allow’d it, with this Provifo, That be fhould not go out the fame Way as he did at this Time. 352. A Country Fellow being fent to a notorious Bawdy-Houfe, formerly in Saisbury Court, and having remembred to forget his Errand, when he came into the Neighbourhood, he faid, He wanted a Bedfordhire Woman, but had forgot her Name. Forgot her Name, faid one, then who the Devil fhould tell you any Thing of her ? Now you name the Dea/, faid the ee wm RA a Seem oo 68 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. Fellow, you have brought it into my Head ; it is the Sign of the Angel: Nay, an{wered another, if you had named the Devil at jirfi, we had fent you thither. 353. Anamorous young Fellow, who defigned a Fa- vour to his Neighbour’s Wife, the Chambermaid came running in, and told them, Her Mafter was at the Door : "Sdeath, faid the Lover, can’t I get out thro’ the Par- lour Window. No, zo, replied the Girl, there are fome Tron Bars there ; but if you will run up three Pair of Stairs, you may jump out of the Garret Window eafy enough. 354. Mr. Pope being at Dinner witha noble Duke, had his own Servant in Livery waiting on him: The Duke ask’d him, Why he, that eat moftly at other People’s Tables, fhould be fuch a Fool as to keep a Fel- low in Livery only to daugh at him? Tis true, the Poet anfwer’d, he kept but one to laugh at him; but bis Grace bad the Honour to keep a Dozen. 355. An Jri> Fellow vaunting of his Birth and Fa- mily, affirmed, That when he came firft to Exgland, he made fuch a Figure, that the Bells rang thro’ all the Towns he pafled to London: Ay, faid a Gentleman in Company, J fuppofe that was becaufe you came up in a Waggon with a Bell-Team. ° 356. One meeting an old Acquaintance, who the World had frowned upon a little, ask’d him, Where he liv’'d ? Where I hve, faid he, LI don’t knows; bur J frarve down towards Wapping and that Way. 357. ‘Iwo Country Attornies overtaking a Waggoner on the Road, and thinking to break a Joke upon him, ask’d him, Why his Fore-Horfe was fo fat, and the reft fo lean? The Waggoner, knowing them to be Limbs of the Law, anfwered them, That his Fore-Hor/z was a Lauyer, and the reft were his Clients. 358. Anold Bawd being carried before Juftice J2-——s for keeping 2 diforderly Houfe, ftrongly denied all that was charged upon her: Houfewife! Houfewife ! {aid the, Jaftice, how have you the Affurance to deny it; you do keep a Bawdy-Houfe, and I will maintain it. Will you ? xeply’d the old Lady, the Lord bles you! I always heard you were a kind-hearted Gentleman. = 359- JOEMILLUER’s Jests. 69 359. In a Caufe try’d at the King’s-Bench Bar, a Witnefs was produced who had a very red Nofe, and one of the Counfel, a good impudent Fellow, being defirous to put him out of Countenance, call’d out to him, after he was fworn, Well, let’s hear what you have to fay with your Copper-Nofe: Why, Sir, faid he, by the Oath I have taken, I would not exchange my Copper Nofe for your Brazen Face. . 360. A Gentleman in the Country. who had_ three Daughters, difcourfing one Evening on rural Affairs, and the Nature of Vegetation, ask’d one of his Daugh- ters what Plant or Herb the thought grew the faftelt ? The young, Lady reply’d, Afparagus; Then he ask’d the Second, fhe anfwer’d, A Pompion, or Gourd: And when the fame Queftion was put to the Youngeft, fhe reply’d, The Pommel of a Saddle; which very much furprizing the old Gentleman, he defired to know what ’ fhe meant, and how fhe could make it out: Why, faid fhe, when I was one Day riding behind our John, and the Ways being fo rough that I was afraid I fhould fall off, he cry’d, Mifi, put your Hand about my Waift, and lay bald of the Pommel of the Saddle; and I am fure, Pappa, when I firft took hold of it, it was not much bigger than my Finger; and, in lefs than a Minute, it was thicker than my Wrift. 361. A Gentleman having receiv’d fome Abufe in pafling through one of the [avs of Chancery, from fome of the impudent Clerks, he was advifed to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly, and coming before him, accofted him in the following Manner ; I bawe been grofly abufed here by fome of the Rafcals of this Houfe, and underftanding you are the Principal, I am come to acquaint you with it. 362. Anold Roundhead in Oliver's Time, complain. - ing of fome heavy Rain that fell, faid a Cavalier, ttand- ing by, What unreafonable Fellows you Roundheads are, awho will neither be pleafed when God rains, nor when the King reigns. 363. An old Cavalier told a great Rumper, that he faw his Mafter Over hang’d, and he ftunk damnably. Ay, faid the laft, wo Doubt but he flunk after he had been 2 PTORMALLE R’s*jrsrTs dead Jo long, but he would have made you fink if he had been alive. ‘ 364. A young Curate, with more Pertnefs than Wit, or Learning, being ask’d in Company, How he came to take it into his Head to enter into the Miniftry of the Church? Becaufe, faid he, the Lord had Need of me. ‘That may be, reply’d a Gentleman prefent, for I have often read that the Lord had once Need of an Afs. 365. A very ignorant, but very foppifh young Fel- low, going into a Bookfeller’s Shap with a Relation, who went thither to buy fomething he wanted, feeing his Coufin look into a particular Book, and fmile, ask’d him, What there was in that Book that made him fmile? Why, anfwered the other, this Book is dedi- cated to you, Coufin Fack: Is it fo, faid he, pray let me fee it, for I never knew before that I had fuch an Honour done to me: Upon which, taking it into his Hand, he found it to be Perfin’s Catechifm, dedicated to all ignorant Perfons. 366. There was a fhort Time when Mr. Hande/, not- withftanding his Merit, was deferted, and his Opera at the Hay Market neglected almoft by every Body but his M——-y, for that of Porpora at Lincoln’s-Inn Fickds 3 at this Time another Nobleman asking the Earl of C d if he would go one Night to the Opera ? My Lord ask’d, Which? Oh, to that in the Hay-Market, an- > fwered the other. No, my Lord, faid the Earl, J have no Occafion for a private Audience of his M——y To-Night. 367. Some Scholars, on a Time, going to fteal Co- nies, by the Way they warned a Novice amongft them to make no Noife, for Fear of {poiling their Game : But he no fooner efpied fome, but he cried out aloud, Ecce Corauculi multi, Whereupon the Conies ran all with ‘Speed into their Burrows ; his Fellows chiding him there- fore, faid he, ho the Devil would have thought. that the Conies underftood Latin ? 368. A Fellow and a Wench being taken in comical Circumftances in a Pound, and .brought before a Juftice of Peace ; but both averring their Innocence, the Juf- tice called the Wench afide, and promifed her, if fhe would confefs, fhe fhould go free for that, Fae; upon which, a. JOEMILL ER?s Jesta:. xx which, fhe owned the Truth, and the Fellow was fent to Prifon : But upon taking her Leave, the Juftice called the Wench back again, and asked her, What the Fel- low gave her? If it pleafe your Worfhip, faid the, Half a Crown. Truly Woman, anfwered he, that does not pleafe me; and tho for the Fa@ you have confeffed, F have acquitted you, as I promifed; yet 1 muff commit you far fuch Extortion, as taking Half a Crown in the Pound. 369. One was joking with a Lawyer for tarrying fo long from his Wife upon the Circuit, faying, In his Abience fhe might want due Benevolence: [I fhall give her Ufe for that, anfwer’d the Lawyer, at my Return; | and putthe Cafe any one owed you Fifty Pounds, would you not rather have it in a lump, than Shilling by Shilling? Jf zs true, replied the other, moff People would rather have their Money all together ; but yet it would vex you if your Wife fhould want a Shilling in your Abfenca and be forced to borrow ét. . 370. A Drunken Fellow ‘having fold all his Goods, to maintain himfelf at his Pot, except his Feather-Bed, at laft made away with that too; when being reproved for it by fome of his Friends; Why, faid he, J ans very well, thank God; and Why fhould I keep my Bed. 371. An old Lady meeting a Cambridge-Man, ask’d him, How her Nephew behaved himfelf? Truly, Ma- dam, fays he, he’s a brave Fellow, and fticks clofe to Catharine-Hall,* I vow, faid fhe, I fear’d as much, he was always hankering after the Wenches from a Boy. 372. A Boy driving.a Sow and Pigs along the Road, was met by a Gentleman riding by, who obferving they were fine ones, ask’d the Boy, Whofe Pigs they were ? The Sou’s, reply’d the Boy. Ay, fays the Gentle-_ man. But whofe Sow is it? My Father's, fays the Boy. And, prithee, fays the Gentleman, Who is thy Father? If you pleafe to look after my Sow and Pigs, replies the Boy, L'// go and ask my Mother. 373. A Gentleman being arrefted for a pretty large Sum of Money, fent to an Acquaintance, who had often F4 pro- * The Name of a College in that Univerjity, 72 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs. profefs’d great Friendfhip for him, to beg he would bail him ; the other told him, That he had promifed neyer ito be Bail for any Body ; but with much Kind- nefs faid, [’Y tell you what you may do, you may get Somebody elfe if you can. 374. In a Town where there had been a remarkable Slaughter of Maidenheads, and as great a Propagation of Horns, by a fmall Body of Red Coats, which had been quarter’d there ; one was faying, That he wonder- ed why the Women were fo fond of Soldiers! Phoo, Jays another, I don’t wonder at it; the Gentlemen in Red, and their Brethren in Black have, for many Ages, - been in Poffeflion of the Sex ; the latter, upon Account of their Secrecy, and the other, from the heroick Per- formances they may expect from them. Jn fine, adds he,} Women are like Mackarel, bait but a Hook with a Piece of * Scarlet Cloth, and you infallibly take them. 375. When King Charles the Fir was in great Anxiety. about figning the Warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s Execution, faying, It was next to. Death to part with fo able a Minifter, and fo loyal a Subje&; a certain Favourite of the King’s ftanding by, foon re- folv’d his Majeity, by telling him, That in fuch an Exi- geme, a Man had better part with bis Crutch than his whi 376. A Complaint being made to the Court of Spain of acertain Viceroy of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his Friend, wrote him Word, That he was accufed at Court of having extorted great Sums of Mo- ney from the People under his Government ; which, faid the Secretary, J hope in God is true, or elfe you are undone, 377. Some rattling young Fellows from London put- ting into a Country Inn, feeing a plain rough hewn Farmer there ; fays one of them, You fhall fee me dumbfound that Countryman : So coming up to him, he gives his Hat a Twirl round, faying, There’s Half a Crown for you, Countryman. 'The-Farmer, after re- * A Piece of red Clath, the common Bait far a Mackarel, — JOE MILLER’s Jests. 42 recovering a little from his Surprize,. rear’d his Ouken Towel, and furveying him very gravely, gave him two very handiome Drubs on the Shoulder, faying, thank you for your Kindnefi, Friend, there's two Shillings of your Money again. 378. One of the aforefaid rattling Blades having been once a little kick’d for his Impertinence, demanded of his Benefactor, with a bluff Face Whether he was in Earneft, or not? Yes, Faith, faid the other, in very good Earneit, laying his Hand on his Sword Say ye fo, reply’d he, Pm glad of that with all my Heart, for I don’t like fuch Jetts. 379. A\Perfon being driven by a Shower of Rain, one Sunday Morning, into Cheljea-College Chapel, the Minifter was furioufly inveighing againit Covetoufuefs : The Gentleman afterwards meeting the Parfon, I fancy Doétor, faid he, before your Congregation, it would have been more edifying to have preach’d againft pil- fering, and robbing of Hen-roofts. 380. A Poet going over Lincoln’s- Inn-Fields, one who pretended to be a poor maim’d Soldier, begg’d his Charity. The Poet ask’d him by what Authority he went a Begging? I have a Licence for it, anfwered the Soldier. Licence, faid the Poet! Lice thou may ft have, but Senfe thou can’ ft have none, to beg of a Poet. 381. At the Mafquerade in the Hay-Market, one ap- pearing in the Habit of a Bithop, another, for the Jeft’s Sake, bow'd his Knee to ask Blefling, The former lay- ing his Hand on his Head, very demurely faid, Prithee rife, theres nothing int indeed, Friend. 82. A certain humourous old Knight, named Sir Sampfon, thinking to recommend himfelf to the Fa- vour of a fine young Lady, in the Way of Marriage, faid in the Conclufion of his Compliments. Od, Madam, we Sampfons were ftrong Dogs from the Be- ginning. ‘Take Care, Sir Sampjon, replied the young Lady. Remember the Strongeft of your Name pull’d an,old Houfe cer bis Head. 383. A Parfon thinking to banter an honeft Quaker, ask’d him, where his Religion was before George Fox’s Time? Where thine was, fays the Quaker, before Harry 74 JOR MILLER’s Jesrts: Harry Tudor’s Time. Now thou haft been free with me,. added the Quaker, prithee let me ask thee’a Queftion. Where was Jacob going when he was turned ef Ten Years of Age ; Can’ft thou tell that ? No, faid the Parfon, nor you neither, I believe. Yes I can, replies the Quaker, he was going into bis Eleventh Year : Was he not ? 384. A Country Fellow that had ferved feveral Years in the Army Abroad, when the War was over, coming Home to his Friends, was receiv’d among them with great Rejoicing ; who heard, with no fmall Pleafure, the miraculous Stories he related. Well, faid the old Father, , and prithee, ack, what did’{t learn - there? Learn, Sir, why I learnt to know, That when 4d turned my Shirt, the Lice had a Day's March to my Skin again. ; 385. The old Earl of B——d, one of the moft fa- cetious Men of his Time, being once in Waiting at Court, made an Excufe one Morning to leave the King, affuring his Majefty he would be back to wait on him before 12 0’Clock, there being great Occafion for his Attendance. The King had enquired for him feveral Times, his Lordfhip having exceeded his Time: At fength he came, and going to the Cleck in the Draw- ing-Room, heard it ftrike One; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his Cane, and broke the Glafs of the Clock. The King ask’d him afterwards, What made him break the Clock ? I am fure, fays my Lord, your Majefty won't be angry when you hear: Prithee faid the King what was it? Why, Blood, my Liege, the Clock firuck jirft. . 386. milia, fays one, give her her Due, has the beft Reputation of any young Woman in Town, who has Beauty enough to proveke Detragtion: J grant you, replies another, her Virtue and Difcretion are fufficient to keep her from being corrupted by any Thing but a Husband. How! a Husband, fays the former. Yes, a Husband, anfwered the other, I have known ma a Woman make a Difficulty of lofing a Maidenhead, who fave made none afterewards of making a Cuckold. 387. JOEIMIL LE Rist Tests » 7s 387. A Perfon having been put to great Shifts to get Money to fupport his Credit ; fome his Creditors at length fent him Word, that they would give him Trou- ble. Pox, fays he, / iia had Trouble enous gh to borrow the Money, and bad not need be troubled to pay i again. 383. A Country Woman being fick, bequea ith’d her Sow with Pig to the Parfon, who thinking fhe would hardly recover, came foon after, and took the Sow away. ‘The good Wife recovering, ask’d for her Sow, and being told the Parfon fhe had left it to came, when fhe was very bad, and had taken her away. Biles us, fays fhe, the Parfow is worfe than the Devil, for one may call upon him twenty Times to take one before he'll do it 3 but | I did but once bid the Parfon take my Sow, and he fetch'd her immediately. 389. Queen Elizabeth feeing a Gentleman in her Garden, who had not felt the Effect of her Favours fo foon as he expected, looking out of her Window faid to him in Italian, What does a Man think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks of nothing ? After a little Paufe, he an- {wer’d, He thinks, Madam, of a Woman's Promife. ‘The Queen fhrunk in her Head, but was heard to fay, Well, Sir Edward, I muff not confute you: Anger makes dull Men witty, but it keeps them poor. 390. A Lady, whofe Beauty was very much ‘apo the Decline, having fent her Picture to a Gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her Chamber- maid, when fhe was going to drefs her, take Care in repairing her Decays a little, or fhe fhould not look like her Picture. J -warrant you, Madam, fays fhe, laying on the Bavarian Red, a little Art once made your Piéture like you, now a little of the fame Art foall make you like your Pidure: Your Pi@ure muft fit to you. 391. A beautiful young Lady, but extremely fanciful and humourous, being on the Point of refigning her- felf into the Arms of her Lover, began to enter on Conditions, that fhe expected should be obferv’d after the Articles were fign’d and executed. Among the relt, fays fhe, pofitively, I will lie in Bed as long as I leafe in a Morning: With all my Heart, Madam, {ays he, provided I may get up when I pleafe., 992. 76 JOE MYILLER’s Jesrs: gz. A termagant Sempftrefs coming to dun a young Fellow at his Lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his Landlady hear; fhe began to open her Quail Pipes at a great Rate ; but was prefently feiz’d with a Fit of Coughing, Lord, fays fhe, I have got fech a Cold I can hardly fpeak. Nay, as to that, fays hie, I don’t care how foftly you fpeak.. Don’t tell me of {peaking foftly, fays fhe, let me have my Money, er Vil take the Law of you. Do, fays he, then po be fared to bold your Tongue, for the Law allows uo Body to feold in their vn Cau/fe. 393- One who had married a light heel’d Wife, in- ftead of an innocent Country Girl, which he took her for, was feverely rallied, upon the Difcovery, by his ficquaintance. Among the reft, a young Lady having been very fevere with him, he called to her Lover, who was prefent, faying, Sir, take off your Wafp, I'll have a Fly-flap elfe : ——= You] have Occafion for’t, {ays the, your Wife has beem blown upon. 394. Some Perfons talking of a fine Lady that had many Suitors: Well, fays one among them, you may talk of this great Man, and that great Man, of this * Lord, and other Knight ; but I know a Fellow with- out a Foot of Eftate, that will carry her before them all. Phoo, damme, that's impofible, {ays another, wnle/s gow mean her Coachman. 395- A Woman may learn one ufeful Hint from the Game of Back-Gammon, which is not to take up her. Man “till fhe is fure of binding him. Had poor iM d@thought of this, when fhe had once gain’d her Point, fhe would never afterwards have made fuch a Blot in her Tables. 396. Count Gondemur, the Spani/fo Ambaflador here, ia Queen Elizabeth's Time, fent a Compliment to the Lord St. Albans, with whom he liv’d in no good Terms, withing him a merry Eafer. My Lord thank’d the ‘Meffenger, and faid, He could not requite the Count better, than by wijhing him a good P ASS-OVER. ° _-397- A certain Philofopher, when he faw Men in a hurry to finifh any Matter, us’d to fay, Stay a little, that awe may make an End the fooner. 7 wil 398. JOE MILLER’ Jests. 77 398. Sir Francis Bacoz was wont to fay of a paflonate Man, who fupprefs’d his Anger, zhat he thought warfe than he fpoke; and of an angry Man, that would vent his Pafflion in Words, That he /poke wore than be thought. 399. The fame Gentleman us’d to fay, that Power in an ill Man, was like the Power of a Witch, he could do Harm, but no Good; as the Magicians, fays he, could turn Water into Blood, but could not turn Blood into Water again. yee 400. He was likewife wont to commend much the Advice of a plain old Man at Buxton, who fold Brooms. A proud lazy young Fellow came to him for a Beefom upon Traft, to whom the old Man faid, Friend, bafe thou no Money ? borrow of thy Back and of thy Belly, they li uerer ask thee fort; I foall be dunning thee every Day. | 401. When Recruits were raifing for the late Wars, a Serjeant told his Captain that he had got him a very extraordinary Man: Ay, fays the Captain, prithee what’s he? 4 Butcher, Sir. replies the Serjeant, exd your Honour will have double Service of him, for we bad two Sheep-ftealers in the Company before. 402. A barmlefs Country Fellow having commeac’d a Suit againft a Gentleman that had beat down_his Fences, and {fpoil’d his Corn; when the Afiizes grevg near, his Adverfary brib’d his only Evidence to keep out of the Way : Well, fays the Fellow, I'm refolv’d I'll up to Town, and the King fhall know ic: The King know it, fays his Landlord, who was an Attor- ney, prithee what Good will that do you, if the Man keeps out of the Way? Why, Sir, fays the poor Fellow, Ihave beard you fay the King could make a Man A PEER at any Time. ATS 403. One {peaking of an agreeable young Fellow, faid, He had Wit enough to call his Good-nature in Queftion, and yet Good-nature enough toy make his Wit iufpected, | ; 404. To what an Ebb of Tafle are Women fallen, that it fhould be in the Power of a lac’d Coat anda Feather to recommend a Gallant to them: Taylors. and Perriwig-makers are become the Bawds of the Nation : “That Fop that has not wherewithal, by Nature, to more ys JO be MPL L ER's Jeers. move a Cookmaid, fhall, by a little of their Afiiftance, be able to fubdue a Countefs. 405. A Lady feeing a tolerable pretty Fellow, who by the Help of his Taylor and Sempftrefs had trans- form’d himfelf into a Beau, faid - What Pity ’tis to fee one, whom Nature has made no Fool, fo induftri- ous to pafs for an Afs: Rather, fays another, one fhould pity thofe whom Nature abufes than thofe who abufe Nature: Befides the Town would be robb'd of one half of éts Diverfion, if it foould become a Crime to laugh at a ool. 406, Of all Coxcombs, the moft intolerable in Con- verfation is your fighting Fool, and your opinionated Wit; the one is always talking to shew his Parts, and the other always quarreiling to shew his Valour. : 407. In Ofver’s Time, when People were married by a Juftice of Peace, one giving a Reafon for it, faid, That none was fo fit to marry others, as he, that by Virtue of his Office, was impower'd to lay People by the Heels. 408. When the late Dauphin of France faid to the facetious Duke of Roguelaure, Stand farther off Rogue- Jaure, for you ftink ; the Duke replied, J ask your Par- don, Sir, "tis you that fmell, not I. 409. One faid of a fantaftical Fellow, that he was the Folio of himfelf, bound up in his own Calf’s Lea- . ther, and gilt about the Edges. 410. A decay’d Gentleman coring to one who had been a Servant, to borrow Money of him, received a very {curvy Anfwer, concluding in the following Words: Lord, Sir, what do you trouble me for ? -I’ve no Money to lend. I'm fure you lye, fays the Gentleman, for if you «vas not rich you durft not be fo faucy. 411. The Roman Catholicks make a Sacrament of Matrimony, and in Confequence of that Notion, pre- tend that it confers Grace : The Proteftant Divines do not carry Matters fo high, but fay, This ought to be underftood in a qualified Senfe ; and that Marriage fo far confers Grace, as that, generally fpeaking, it brings re ite which every Body knows is one Step towards TAC 412. JOE MILLER’s Jests. 49 412. A Lady, who had a Mind, fhe told another, ta quarrel with an impertinent teazing young Fellow she did not like, faid, she could not tell how to provoke him, he was fo very afliduous and fubmiffive. ’Slife, faid her Friend, I’d fpit in his Face. A/as, reply’d the, that won't do, when Men are fausning like Lap-Dogs, they ll take that for a Favour. 413. An extravagant young Gentleman, to whom the Title of Lord, anda good Eftate, was juft fallen, being a little harrafs’d by Duns, bid his Steward tell them, That whilf he was a private Gentleman, be had Lei/ure to run in Debt, but being now advanced to a bigher Rank, be was too bufy to pay them. 414. A wild young Fellow that had fpent his For- tune, being ask’d, What he intended to do with him- felf ? faid, He defign’d to gointo the Army. How can that be, fays one, you are a Facobite, and can’t take the Oaths. You may as well tell me, fays he, that I can’t take Orders, becaufe I’m an theif. Iask your Pardon, replied the other, ——-J did not know the Strength of your Confcience fo well as I did the Weaknefs of your Purfe. 415. An old Fellow having a great Itch after his Neighbour’s Wife, employed her Chambermaid ia the Bufinefs. At the next Meeting, he enquired, What An- fwer the Lady had fent him? Anfwer, faid the Girl, why she has fent you this for a Token; (giving hima fmart Slap in the Face) .4y, cry’d the old Fellow, rubb- ing his Chops, and you have lof? none of it by the Way; § thank you. ‘ 416. A Gentleman complaining of a Misfortune, faid, It was long of that drunken Sot his Man, who could not keep himfelf fobér. With Refpe@ to your Worlhip, {aid the Fellow, I know very few drunken Sots that do keep themfelves fober. 417. One faid of a young Woman, whofe Chattity was violently affaulted by a handfome young Fellow, That foewas in as fair a Way to be ruined, as a Boy was to be a Rogue, when he-was firft put Clerk to an Attorney. 418. A Divine ought to calculate his Sermon, as an Aftrologer does his Almanack, to the Meridian of the Place and People where it is published. What Stuff is cE) =. 80 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs. is to preach againft Ufury towardsSt. Fames’s, and Forni- cation in Lombard-fireet ; no, invert the Tables, preach againit Ufury in the City, and Fornication at St. Fames’s. 419. Acertain Jrijman making ftrong Love toa great Fortune told her, He could not fleep for dreaming of her. 420. A plain Country Yeoman bringing his Daugh- ter to Town, faid, For all she was brought up altoge- ther in the Country, she was a Girl of Senfe. Yes, fays a perf young Female in the Company, Country Sen/e. Why, Faith, Madam, fays the Fellow, Country Senfe is better fometimes than London Impudence. 421. A Thoufand Actions pafs in the World for vir- | tuous, tho’ they proceed from a quite different Principle. My Lord releafed A,/exnus out of Prifon, and paid his Debts; this. every one applauded as an Act of the higheft and mott difinterefled Generofity. They little dknew that his Lordship lay every Night with Ar/ennus’s Sifter. 422. Give me a Man without a Fortune, faid a fenfi- ble young Lady, rather.than a Fortune without a Man. 423. Vil fwear, faysa Gentleman to his Miftrefs, you are very handfome, Phoo, faid she, fo you'd fay, tho’ you did not think fo. And fo you'd think, an{wered he, shough I foould not fay fa. . 424. A Gentleman in King Chares the IP'd’s Time, who had paid a tedious Attendance at Court for a Place, and had had a thoufand Promifes, at length refolved to fee the King himfelf; fo getting himfelf introduced, he told his Majefty what Pretenfions he had to his Favour, and boldly ask’d him for the Place jut then vacant. The King hearing his Story, told him, he had juft given the Place away. Upon which, the Gentleman made a very, low Obeifance to the King, and thank’d him extremely ; which he repeated often. ‘The King, obferving how over-thankful he was, cail’d him again, andask’d the Reafon, Why he gave him fuch extraor- inary ‘Thanks, when he had denied his Snit ? The rather, an’t pleafe your Majefty, replied the Gentleman; your Courtiers have kept me waiting here thefe two Years, and gave me a thonfand Put-offs ; but your Majetty “has fav’d me all that Trouble, and generoufly given é me JOE MILLER’s Jests. 8 me my An{werat once. Gads fi/b, Man, {ays the King, thou foalt have the Place for thy downright Honefty. ; 425. A merry drolling Fellow; who lived with a Lady that was juft on the Point of Matrimony, being fent with a How-d’ye to an Acquaintance of her’s, who lived a few Miles off, was ask’d, How his Lady did ? Ab, dear Madam, replied the Fellow, /be can never live long in this Condition. 426. ’Twas a beautiful Turn given by a great Lady, who being ask’d, Where her Husband was, when he lay conceal’d for having been deeply concern’d in a Confpiracy ? refolutely anfwer’d, She had hid him. This Confeffion ‘drew her before the King, who told her, Nothing but her difcovering where her Lord was con- ceal’d, could fave her from the Torture. And will that do, fays the Lady? Yes, fays the King, I give you my Word for it, Then, fays the, I have hid him in my Heart; there you'll find bim. Which furprizing An- {wer charm’d her Enemies. 427. A Perfon advifing a Lady in Town to marry a Country.Gentleman, to recommend the Match in the ftronger ‘Terms,. told her, it would be more conve- nient for her, becaufe his Concerns in the Country join’d toher’s. Aj, fays the Lady, bar hbisCONCE RNS Jeall never join to mine in the City. 428. An Englj/e Gentleman travelling to France had made Choice of an Abbot, as wicked as himfelf, for the Companion of his Pleafures: One of his Country- men told him, Yhat though the Abbot and he differd about the Way to Heaven, they were in a fair Way of going — to the Devil togethers " 429. Two Perfons quarrelling at a Tavern; after the Heat was a little over, one of them being ftraiten’d for a Conveniency to make Water, by being hemm’d in, faid to his Antagonitt. How foall I get by you? Get by me, faid the other, Why, what ‘a Pox did ever I get by you. 430. A very grave Perfon being carried before a Magilftrate, for having a little Thing as big as a Baf- tard laid to him ; one that was pafling by, ask’d, What yas the Maser? Only, fays anogher, an old Gentle- $. fOE MILLER’s Jzsrs. man is apprehended upon Sufpicion of Manhood. Mane hood,. fays the former, What has he committed Mur- der ? Quite contrary, replied the other, He has committed Fornication, and got a Subje&, not kill’d one. 431. A petulant felf-will’'d Coxcomb was threatning, If his Humour was not gratified, to leave his Relations and Family, and go away to France. Let him alone, fays one, He will come back from France, before be gets half Way to Dover. 432. A Countryman in the Street enquiring the Way to Newgate, an arch Fellow that heard him, faid, he'd thew him prefently. Do but go crofs the Way, {aid he, to gon Goldjmith’s Shop, and move off with one of thofe Silver Fankards, and it will bring you thither prefently. .. 433. Men fometimes blurt out very unlucky Truths. A Town Beggar was very importunate with a rich Mi- fer, whom he accofted in the the following Phrafe : Pray, Sir, beltow your Charity ; good, dear Sir,’ be- ftow your Charity. Prithee, Friend, be quiet, replied #d Gripus, J ave it not. edie, -* a 434. A certain Prieft in a ri¢h Abbey in Florence, being a Fifherman’s Son, caufed a Net to be fpread every Day, ona Table in his Apartment, to put him in Mind of his Original; The Abbot dying, this dif- fembied Humility procured him to be chofen Abbot ; after which, the Net was ufed no more. Being ask’d the Reafon, he anfwer’d, There ts no Occafion for the Net now this Fifb is caught. , _'435, A Farmer, who had a very great Name in the Country for his Dexterity in manly Exercifés, fuch as Wreftling, ‘Throwing the Bar, and the like, drew upon himfelf many, Occafions to try his Skill, with fuch as came far and near to challenge him : Among the reft, a conceited Fellow rode a great Way to vifit this Cham- pion ; and being told, that he was in his Ground be- hind the Houfe, he alighted, and walk’d with his Horfe in his.Hand, *till he came where he found him at Work’; a hanging his Horfe upon the Pails, he accofted him ‘thus: That having heard much of his Fame, he was come forty Miles to try a Fall with him. ‘Fhe Cham- pip, without more Words, came up to him, and clofing JOE MILLER’s jJests. 83 tlofing with him, took him upon fuch an advantageous Lock, that he pitch’d him clear over the Pails ; fo, with a great deal of Unconcern, took up his Spade, and fell to Work again. ‘The Fellow getting upon his Legs again, as nimbly as he could, call’d to fpeak to him. Well, fays the Champion, have you any more to fay to me? No, xa, replied the Fellow, only to defire you will be fo kind ase to throw my Horfe after me. 436. A bufy Impertinent entertaining Arifotle the Philofopher one Day with a tedious Difcourfe, and ob- ferving that he did not much regard him, made an Apology, That he. was afraid he had interrupted \him. No, really, reply’d the Philofopher, you haw’t internupted me at all, for I bave not minded one Word you faid. 437. If your Wife has cuckolded you, ’tis in ‘vain to grieve; een fhake Hands with, your Neighbours. One telling his Friend he was a Cuckold, LOE had not known it, replies he, ¥ fhould have been angry with you for telling me owt. i 438. ‘IT'wo conceited Coxcombs wrangling and ex- pofing one another before Company, one told them, That they had both done like Wits: For you Wits, fays he, never give over "till you prove one,another Fools. 439. One feeing an affected Coxcomb buying Books, told him, His Bookieller. was properly his Upholiterer, for he furnifh’d his Room rather than his Head. 440. A young Lady with a good Fortune having beftow’d herfelf on a wild young Fellow: Well, fays the old Lady her Aunt, For all you were fo eager sto have him, yow ll have your Belly full of dim in a. little Time, Pl warrant you. . 441. One meeting a Whore, the ask’d him, Fora Bottle and a ‘Beef Steak. Why, fays he, Betty, you can’t want, you had a good Bubble laft Night ; -but I have heard, you Ladies love that Man beft who beats you, and takes your Money from you.again. ¢s,.fays the, juj? as a Privateer loves to engage a Man of War. 442. A 'Taylor’s Boy being at Church, heard it faid, That a Remnant only fhould be faved. gad, fays the Boy, then my Mafter makes plaguy large Remnants. ; G 2 p - 443: al cat tae ie $4 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs., - 443. A Perfon having two very ungracious Sons, the one robb’d him of his Money, and tother of his Goods = His Neighbour coming to condole with him, told him, He might fue the County, for he had been robb'd between Son and Son. 444. Du Val, who was a very famous Highwayman, and at length fuffered for his Robberies, was likewife as famous for gaining the Hearts of the Women, being a. fmart dapper Fellow : After his: Death, he had this Epitaph beftow’d on him. Here lies Du Val : Reader, if Male thou art, Look to thy Purfe ; if Female,. to thy Heart ; Much Havock he has made in both ; for all ‘The Men he made to ftand, the Women fall. 445. A Perfon fpeaking to the Earl of C——d, of the falfe Tafte of feveral People of Quality, and their Ignorance in many Things that they pretend to under- fland : Why, faid my Lord, moff of our People of Qua- lity judge of every Thing by their Ears but the Opera, and that they go to fee. 446. Tom P » 2 good honeft Fellow, but with very little Manners, being one Day at Dinner at Lord E——’s, feveral Ladies being at Table, my Lord told him, that Mr. Such-a-one, naming a Gentleman in the. Neighbourhood, had taken fomething very ill of him, and would take an Occafion, he heard, to refent it: Mr. Such-a.one, reply’d Tom, may kifs my A : Up- on fuch a coarfe Expreflion, the Ladies all ftarted, and my Lord cry’d, Fie, Jom, I thought you would not have ufed .fuch a Word before Ladies. Why, my Lord, faid Yom, A an’t Bawdy, is it? No, faid my Lord, but tt ts within half an Inch of it. _447. A Citizen dying greatly in Debt, it coming to his Creditors Ears, Farewel, faid one, there is fo much _ of mine gone with him: And he carried fo much of mine, faid another: One hearing them make their fe- veral Complaints, faid, Well, I fee now, that though a et | Man JOE MILLER’s Jests. 85 Man can carry nothing of his own out of the World, yet he may carry a great deal of other Men’s. 448. A mad Crew went to a Tavern with a (devilith) Refolution to be damnable drunk ; one peing more overpowered than the reft, fpew’d perpetually ; and feeing that he could no longer bear them Company, called for a Reckoning: Why, faid one, cannot you tell that, that have’ fo often caft up what you drank ? No, marry, I cannot, {aid he, for Iwas fo bufy in cafling up the Accompt, that I did not mind the Reckoning. 449. Three young conceited Wits, as they thought themielves, pafling along the Road near Oxford, met a grave old Gentleman, with whom they had a Mind to be rudely merry ; Good-Mor: ow, Father Abraham, faid. one: Good-Morrow, Father Z/aac, faid the next: Good- Morrow, Father Facob, cry’d the laft, J am neither Abraham, H{aac, zor Jacob, reply’d the old Gentleman, but Saul, the Son of Kith, who went out to feck his Fa- ther’s Affes; and lo! here I have found them. 450. A young Maid coming freth out of the Country, was courted by a Perfon of Quality, who fhe under- flood was infected by the foul Difeafe : My Lord paid his conftant Devoirs to her, and promifed her Marriage, which fhe refufing, fonie of her Friends ask’d her, Why fhe, who was meanly born, would not marry one that would not only enrich her, but ennoble her Blood ; Iwill not, faid the, corrupt my Fleh, to better my Blood, | Sor any Lord in Chriftendom. 451. An ingenious young Gentleman at the Carrer fity of Oxford, being appointed to preach before the Vice-Chancellor, and the Heads of the Colleges, at St. Mary’s, he having formerly obferved the Drowfinefs of the Vice-Chancellor, took this Place of Scripture. for — his Text, What! Cannot ye watch one Hour? At every ny Divifion he concluded with his Text, which, by Reae fon of the Vice-Chancellor’s fitting fo near the Pulpit, often awak’d him: This was fo noted among the Wits, that it was the Talk of the whole Univerfity, and withal it did fo nettle the Vice-Chancellor, that he con nplain’d to the Archbifhop of Canterbury, who, willing to re- drefs him, fent for this aa up to London to defend 3 him- 86 JOE MILLER’s Jzesrs. himfelf againft the Crime laid to his Charge; where coming, he made fo many Proofs of his extraordinary Wit, that the Archbifhop enjoined him to preach before King Fames. After fome Excufes, he at length con- defcended ; and coming into the Pulpit, begins, Fames the Firft and the Sixth, Waver not 3 meaning the firft King of England, and the fixth of Scotland ; at firft the King was fomething amazed at the ‘Text, but in the End, was fo well pleafed with his Sermon, that he made him one of his Chaplains in ordinary: After this Ad- vancement, the Archbifhop fent him down to Oxford to make his Recantation to the Vice-Chancellor, and to take Leave of the Univerfity, which he accordingly did, and took the latter Part of the Verfe of the former Text, Sleep on now and take your Reff: Concluding his Sermon, he made his Apology to the Vice-Chancellor, faying, Whereas I faid before, which gave Offence, What! Cannot you watch one Hour ? I fay now, Sleep on and take your Reft ; and fo left the Univerfity. 452. A plain Country Fellow born in Efex, coming to London, which Place he had never feen before, as he walk’d in a certain Street, not a great Way from Mark Lane, he *{py’d a Rope hanging at a Merchant’s Door, with a Handle to it, wondering what it meant, he takes it in his Hand, play’d with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he heard a Bell ring; it fo happened that the Merchant being near the Door, went himfelf, and demanded what the Fellow would have; Nothing, Sir, faid he, I did but play with this pretty Thing which hangs at your Door. What Countryman are you, faid the Merchant? An E/fexman an’t pleafe you, _ yeplied the other. I thought fo, replied the Merchant, _ for I have often heard fay, That if a Man beat a Buth in Efex, there prefently comes forth a Calf. Jt may be /o, replied the Countryman, and I think a Man can no jooner ring a Bell in London, but out pops a Cuckold. 453. A young Man married to an ill-temper’d Wo- man, who not contented, tho’ he was very kind to her, made continual Coniplaints to her Father, to the great Grief of both Families ; the Husband being no longer able to endure this {curvy Fluhrour, bang’d her foundly : Here. JOE MILLER’s feats. 8% Hereupon fhe complain’d to her Father, who under- flanding well the Perverfenefs of her Humour, took her to Task, and laced her Sides foundly too; faying, Go and commend me to your Husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelld his Wife, as he bath beaten my Daughter. 454. A Fellow hearing one fay, according to.the Jia- lian Proverb, That three Women make a Market with their chatting: Nay, then, faid he, add my Wife to them, and they will make a Fair. . 455. A Gentlewoman delighting inPlurality of Lovers, chanced to admit to her Embraces two Gentlemen who loved one another entirely, but were unacquainted with each other’s Intrigue ; one of them having lain with this Gentlewoman one Night, loft his Ring in the Bed, which the other found in it the Morning after; the Day following the firft fees it on his Friend’s Finger ; after a great many Arguings about it, they came to underftand one another’s Intrigue: The Man who lof it demands his Ring, the other refufes ; at laft, it was agreed, that it fhould be left to the next Comer-by, who fhould have the Rings; it chanced to be the Husband of the Woman, who, hearing the whole Matter, adjudg’d the Ring fhould belong to him who own’d the Sheets : Marry then, faid they, for your excellent Fudgment you | feall have the Ring. Paces 456. A Man and his Dog, named Cuckold, going to. gether in the Evening, returning Home, the Dog ran ina Door’s firft; Oh, Mother, fays the Boy, Cuckold’s. come; Nay, then, fays the Mother, your Father 2s ‘wot far off, Lam fare. gid a 0 457. AScholar, in College ball, declaming, having a ; bad Memory, was at a Stand, whereupon, in a low Voice, he defired one that ftood clofe by, to help him | out; No, faysthe other, methinks you are out enough al ready. prs 58. A Country Gentleman riding down Cornhill, his Horfe ftumbled, and threw him at a Shop Door ; the Miftrefs whereof being a pleafant Woman, and feeing there was no Hurt done, ask’d him, Whether his Horfe ufed to ferve him fo? Yes, faid he, whenever he comes i G4 te

ferve them as they do Trouts, tickle them ’till they catch them. A moderate Degree of Pride has this Advantage, that it prepoffeffes feveral in our Favour ; while the Bathful are too often thought to deferve nothing. Wit is the Nimblenefs of the Underftanding, Wif- dom the Strength. A witty Man feldom fays a foolith Thing, a wife Man never does one. They are com- mendable a-part, but admirable together. Silence may hide Folly, as a Vizard does an ill Face, but then it is but for a Time. The beft Jewellers ufe the leaft Silver, and he that will fet his Thoughts to Advantage, muft not overload them with Words. : Compliments and Ceremonies were invented to con ceal the Hatred which Men naturally bear to one another. Meddle with your Match is a Saying among Boys, a Rule of Honour among Men, and a wife one among Princes. He that takes up Arms againft his Prince, can never lay them down with Safety: ’Tis equally Folly for the one to expect a Pardon, and the other to grant it. A Prince that turns eut his Minifters upon every Complaint of the People, will not have a capable, or an honeft Man long about him. Great Men are like Wolves, we muft not ftrike at them, unlefs we are fecure of our Blow, for if we mifs they will be fure to tear us to Pieces. *Tisa Mortification to a Prince to fee an old Minifter torn from him, but Se!f-Prefervation is the firlt Law of Nature; and any Man in his Senfes would fooner fub- mit to part with his Crutch than his Leg. Examples make a greater Impreflion upon us than Precepts: The Sight of Sir Edward B——) running af- ter a Coach for Six-pence, will fooner reclaim a Prodi- gal than a Sermon. ~ A Change is not always for the beft. We have fome- times feen the Miniftry difcarded, and a new Set of celia K3 Men 134 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs. Men brought in their Room ten Times worfe than their Predeceffors ; like the Devil in the Gofpel, that left the poflefs’d Man’s Body, and came afterwards feventy flrong. All Parties blame Perfecution when they feel the Smart on’t, and all practice it when they have the Rod in their Hands. For ail his pretended Meeknefs, Ca/vin made Roaftmeat of Servetus at Geneva, for his Unorthodoxy. When Moliere’s Tartuff was ated in France, all the Churchmen complain’d of it. The Fefiin de Saint Pierre, tho’ a lewd beaftly Piece, went down without the leaft wry Face. At fo much an eafier Rate may a Man expofe Religion, than Hypocrify ! - Tt is very much to be queftioned, whether Mr. Co/her would have condefcended to lafh the Vices of the Stage, if the Poets had not been guilty of the abominable Sin of making familiar now and then with the Backflidings of the Caffock. Affiduity is one of the beft Qualities in a Courtier to recommend him to his Mafter. As Prince Maurice was once at Dinner, in came a huge Maftiff, and took Sanctu- ary under the Table. ‘The Pages beat him out of the Room, and kick’d him, but for all that Monfieur le Chein came punttually at the fame Hour next Day, and fo continued his Vifits, tho’ they ftill continued the fame ‘Treatment to him. At laft the Prince ordered them to beat him no more, and made much of him. From that ‘Time the Maftiff commenc’d a perfeét Courtier, fol- low’d the Prince wherever he went, lay all Night at his Chamber Door, ran by his Coach Side as duly as one of his Lackqueys: In fhort, fo infinuated himfelf into his Mafter’s Favour, that when he died he fettled a Pen- fion upon him for Life. ’ *Tis a Sign of the laft Neceflity inan Author when he is. fore’d to fteal from himfelf. ”Tis worfe than robb- ing the Spital. , Mr. Shadwell in one of his Plays, is fo honeft as to own that he had ftole a few Hints out of a French Co- medy, but pretends it was rather out of Lazinefs than Want. This Confeffion, inftead of mending Matters, woud have hang’d him at the Old Bail, and why it whould fave him in Parnaffus I can’t tell. Melia JO.E MILLER’s Jest: 135 Melifa \ooks as demure as a Nun, goes twice a Day to Church, abhors the Play-honfe and Players, has al- ways a Catalogue of the Lezt Preachers by Heart, rails at Patches and large Hoops, and yet is a Fury incarnate inaCorner. I went to pay Me/if@ a Sum fays a Gen- tleman, laft Night, and fhe was fo fond of my Money, that I thought in my Confcience fhe would have run away with the Purfe. ; We can’t properly call that Man unhappy who knows nothing of his Misfortunes. Lz/auder’s Wife is the moft infatiable Strampet that ever liv’d ; yet Lz/ander joggs on merrily, fnores contentedly, and believes her honeft. T’other Day he made a Vifit to Cherephou, whofe Wife denies herfelf no innocent Freedoms, but is as chafte as a Veftal. Lord! cries Lifander, what an unlucky Wretch is poor Cherephon, to have fuch a Viper in his Bofom. He who makesa Jeft of the Frailties of Nature, upbraids the God of Nature. Such Perfons as are in Hafte to thew their Wit, lofe the Grace of it, and offend in Converfation, as impor- tunate Beggars do while they hang about your Coach. The Man who is covetous when he is to make any extraordinary Expence, will fland in Need of a Do- zen Friends to comfort him when he has done it. Falfe Devotion confifts in this, that defire to be thought Good and Pious; and true Devotion, that you are really fo. It is very unjuft to take Pains to agravate what others have done amifs by Weaknefs or Surprize, and to bury in Oblivion, and never {peak of the Good they have done with any Kindnefs. It is a wife Refolve never to liften to any J fpoken of a Friend ; but to declare that your Ears will be al. ways open to hear any Good of him. Charles V. was wont to fay, That the Clemency of a Prince is like the Heat of the Sus which hardened Dirt, whilft it foftend Wax. Recommend thé good Aétions of your Friends, ra- ther than publifh their bad Ones. . K 4 , A x 136 JOE MILLER’s Jests: A Man ought to think one true Friend a T'reafures that he ought to keep with Care; for, when that. is gone he muit have good Luck indeed to find fuch ano- ther, it would be like having two of the higheft Prizes in one Lottery. A prudent and difcreet Silence will be oftentimes of Advantage to a Man; we often repent of what we have faid, but feldom repent that we have held our Tongue. A Man fhould not value himfelf that he talks much in Company, but that he talks only when he ought, and what he ought. . A Woman’s Knowledge of her Duty to her Hus- band, fhould? appear fo perfe&, that it fhould feem like a Cement, which joins Obedience fo well with Command, that it can hardly be diftinguifh’d who commands and who obeys, EPIGRAMS. EPIGRAMS. On MILTON. By Mr. Dryden. H REE Poets, in three diftant Ages born, Greece, Italy, and England did adorn: The firft in Loftinefs of Thought furpatt ; The next in Majefty, in both the laft. The Force of Nature could no farther go ; To make a Third, fhe join’d the former Two. A ReceirrT to mate an EPI GRAM. By the Right Honourable the late Lord HERVEY. Pleafing Subje&t firft with Care provide, A Your Matter muft by Nature be {upply’d s Nervous your Diétion, be your Meafure long, Wor fear your Verfe too ftiff if Senfe be ftrong 5 In proper Places proper Numbers ufe, “ And now the Quicker, now the Slower chufe: Too foon the Daétyl the Performance ends ; But the flow Spondee coming Thoughts fufpends. Your laft Attention on the Sting beftow, To that your good or ill Succefs you'll owe For there not Wit alone muft fhine, but Humour flow. mars | Obfery- - q 38 JOE MILLER’s Jests: Obferving thefe y our Epigram’s compleated ; Nor fear twill tire tho’ feven Times repeated, _ To one married to an Old Man. en By Mr.Wawuzer. ill Charms, bury’d in thofe monumental Arms : All we can wifh, is, may that Earth lie light Upon thy tender Limbs, and fo good Night. S IN CE thou would’ft needs, bewitch’d with fome e On a Pidue of Mrs. ARABELLA HUNT, Drawn playing on a Lute after her Death. By Mr. CONGREVE. ERE there on Earth another Voice like thine, Another Hand {fo blefs’d with Skill divine, The late afli€ted World fome Hopes might have, And Harmony retrieve thee from the Grave. foOLIVER CROMWELL. By the famous Mr. Locke. Peaceful Sway the great Augu/fus bore, O’er what great Fu/ivs gain’d by Arms before 5 Fulixs was all with martial Trophies crown’d ; Augufius for his peacful Arts renown’d ; Rome calls’em great, and makes ’em Deities ; That, for his Valour; this, his Policies, igh E> Mall Sou, LOL MIL GER Jesrg). 13q You, mighty Prince, than both are greater far, Who rule in Peace that World you gain’d by War: You fure from Heavena finifh’d Hero fell, Who thus alone two Pagan Gods excel. Ox Mif BIDDY FLOYD. By Dean SwiF rt. W HEN Cupid did his Granfire Fove intreat, To form fome Beauty by a new Receipt ; Fove {tent and found, far ina Country Scene, ‘Truth, Innocence, Good-Nature, Looks ferene ; From which Ingredients firit the dextrous Boy Pick’d the Demure, the Awkward, and the Coy ; The Graces from the Court did next provide Breeding, and Wit, and Air, and decent Pride ; Thefe Venus cleans’d from every f{purius Grain Of Nice, Coquet, Affected, Pert, and Vain: Fove mix’d upall, and his beit Clay employ’d, Then call’d the happy Compofition, Froyp. On the Death of Mrs. B , who died foon after her Marriage. By Lady Mary W—~M—. AIL, happy Bride! for thou art truly blefs’d, Three Months of Rapture crown’d with end- lefs Ref : Merit, like your’s, was Heaven’s peculiar Care, You lov’d, yet tafted Happinefs fincere. — To you the Sweets of Love were only fhown; | The fure fucceeding bitter Dregs unknown ; You had not yet the fatal Change deplor’d, | sien The tender Lover for th’ i imperious Lord ; pie i “Nor yao JOE MILLER’s Jesrs: Nor felt the Pains that jealous Fondnefs brings, Nor wept the Coldnefs from Poffeffion fprings : Above your Sex diftinguifh’d in your Fate ; You trufted yet experienc’d no Deceit. Soft were your Hours, and wing’d with Pleafure flew, No vain Repentance gave a Sigh to you; And if fuperior Blifs Heaven can beftow, With Fellow Angels you enjoy it now. Occafion’d by the Foregoing. “EHO all the World knows The Fate of poor B——, Yet Writers about it do vary ; Some Folks make a Face, And pity her Cafe, °Tis the Envy of the good Lady Mary. She fays, fhe don’t know, How Heaven can beftow Any Joy like the Death of that Bride ; Whence fome People fay, Could fhe chufe her own Way, Fer now fhe had certainly dy’d. But here’s the Miftake, If her Mind fhe would fpeak, The Meaning appears very plain ; She would ever be trying, But to B leave the Dying, Her Choice is to live in the Pain. DEE a EAD TSS ROMER BUTEA ETE SELLE ETS PILES EDICTS Ba RT ae SE a By AmBROSE PHILIPS) “N EORGE came to the Crown without ftriking a Blow: Ah! quoth the Presender, would I could do fo. On JOE MILLER?’s Jests, 148 Oz the Tragedy of C ATO. By J. P. Ef IS ancient Rome, by Party Factions rent, Long fince the gen’rous Cazo did lament ; Himéelf, united with his Country’s Caufe, Bravely refus’d to live ’midft dying Laws ; Pleas’'d with returning Zzderty to come, ‘ With Joy the Hero rifes from his Tomb, And in Britannia finds a fecond Rome. 7 On a Lady a feed Water at vats the Tragedy of CG AIF-Od-2) Gu ~ By Mr. Pore? HILST Maudlin Whigs deplore their Case's Fate, sui with dry Eyes the Tory Cela fat: But tho’ her Pride forbad her Eyes to flow, The gufhing Waters found a Vent ‘below. ry Tho’ fecret, yet with copious Streams fhe mourns, Like twenty River-Gods, with all their Urns ! Let others fcrew' an hypocritic Face, She fhews her Grief in a fincerer Place : Here Nature reigns, and Paflion, void of Art ; For that Road leads direétly to the Heart. By W. Wasa, Efq; HLOE, new married, looks at Men no more, Why then ’tis plain for what the look’d before. Pim as ¢ On ‘dhe ‘JOR MILLER’s Jesra. On a Monusens intended to be erected for Mr. ROWE, by his Widow. Written before Mr. Dryden’s was fet up. By Mr. Por. | H Y> Reliques, “Roeve, to this fair Shrine we i truft, And, facred, place by Dryden's awful Duft. Beneath a rude and namelefs Stone he lies, To which thy ‘Tomb fhall guide enquiring Eyes : Peace to thy gertle’Shade, and endlefs Ref, Bleft in thy Genius, in thy Love too bleft ; One grateful Woman to thy Fame fupply’d What a whole thanklefs, Land to his deny’d. The Cucxoty’s COMPLAIN T. By Mr. Wars u, ORWNUS proclaims, aloud his Wife’s a Whore, Alas, good Cornus, what can we do more? Wert thou no Cuckold,. we might make thee one ; But being one, we cannot make thee none. > Oz G ILE s J B, the Poet. By the late Dr. Saw & b. ARENT of Dulnefs! genuine Son of Night! . Total Eclipfe! without one Ray of Light :. Born when dull Midnight Bells for Fun’rals, chime, Juft at the clofing of the Bellman’s Rhime. = The | JOEMILLER’s Jests. ‘143 The STRATAGE M. HEN d. -/e for fome trifling unorthodox jefts, : As Enthufiaft_ was cenfured by Bigots and Priefts ; The politic Doétor, to remove the Reproach, Was feen with a Parfon fix Months in his Coach. When C——den faw this Device had Succefs, He thought, in fome Sort, it would fuit his own Cafe ; And to take an unlucky d mn’d Cenfure away, _ He contriv’d to be feen with a Wit e’ery Day; Then with Pope by his Side, in the Pride of ,his Soul, Now, d———mme; ‘aid he, ——— Now dye think I’m a Fool? To Mifs W——~.with the ATaALANT IS. | ERE view, from MMazi/ry’s, Pen, the moving Tale, Manley !:who could: e’en Nature’s Self unveil : Her Wit, her Senfe,. conjoined with’Truth, impart Pleafure to Youth, and warm the Female Heart. ‘Taught thus by her, no more fhall brutal Fire 7 Poffefs my Soul ; and nought but foft Defire, Such as fhe wrote, and fuch as you infpire. 5 ADVICE w TIPLERS. EPEN TING Fools have oft confeft, That thriving Vintners make lean Guett ; As they grow rich, there’s nothing furer, Than that your Topers grow the poorer; Therefore when they are faucy grown Complain not, for the Fault’s your own : "Tis Nonfenfe at their Pride to grumble, Since you, with Hale, may keep them humble : AUN Spend 144 JOE -MILLER’s Jesrs. Spend fparingly, and you'll foon find Yourfelves more happy, them more kind. Ox a BURSER of a certain College in Oxford, cutting down the Trees near the faid College far his own Up. Ndulgent Nature to.each Creature fhows A. fecret Inftin® to-difcern its Foes : The Goofe, a filly Bird, avoids the Fox ; Lambs fly from Wolves, and Sailors fteer from Rocks ; The Thief the Gallows, as his Fate forefees, And bears the like Antipathy to Trees. The Forlorn Damfel. ‘7 HILST each dear Nymph is happy with her Swain, The poor Dorinda fighs and fighs in vain:;\ Forlorn ft’has liv’d thrice ten revolving Years, But now, at length, a dying Slave appears: The Youth raps humbly at her Chamber-Door, | And {peaks fuch Words fhe never heard before. In Bed, fupriz’d, fhe ftarts, her Curtain drew, And ask’d his Will Madam, I dye for you. For me! A Man! What does he fay ? He dies ! She whisks from Bed, and to thé Toilet flies: In Hafte the drefs’d, -but did it with an Air ; And to Advantage patch’d, and comb’d her Hair. Her dying Slave to rap once more. prefumes, Whilt fweet Dorinda Wathes and Perfumes ; But that he might not at the Door expire, She let him in, and farther did enquire. . With Cap in Hand, and with fubmiffive Look, - He bow'd, and then thefe killing Words he {poke ; Mas JOE MILLER’s Jests, 145 Madam, Vve dy’d your Sattin, and fee here, The Black's entire, no colour'd Stripes appear. fo Mr. POPE. HY Wit, in vain, the feeblé Critic gnaws, While the hard Metal breaks the Serpent’s Jaws. Grieve not, my Friend, that Spite and envious Rage, At once thy Perfon and thy Mufe engage: Health, Strength, and Beauty, to blind Chance we x owe; | Our Virtues only from ourfelves can flow: But Heav’n, indalgent to thy nobler Part, In thy fair Mind, imprefs’d its niceft Art : Nature, too bufy to regard the Whole, Forgot thy Body to radorn thy Soul. % On Mr. C—— being made POR T-LAUREAT. RITHEE tell me which did worfe, Caligula, or Gr-——f——’s Grace? One raade.a Conful of a Horfe, T’other a Laureat of an Afs. To the PAPUISTS and QUAKERS. HEY in an unknown Tongue their Prayers do fay; Ye in an unknown Senfe your Prayers convey. Betwixt ye both, this Difference muft enfue : Fools underftand not them, nor wife Men you. L Wrote sy 146 JOEMILLER’s Jestrs. Wrote at the Time of the Difpute between the prefent _ Bifoop of Winchefter, then Bifbop of Bangor, and Dr. Snape, 1717. OOD Crhriftians all compofe the Scrape *Twixt Bangor calm, and fervent Szape, To eafe the Church your Mother : - Between them both ’tis beft, I fay, In Summer Time with one to pray, In Winter with the other. Occafioned by veading the Layman’s SERMON. HY Countrymen, good Charles, are ftill the fame, ‘They murder’d once thy Body, now thy Fame. “By venal Scozs thou tothe Block wert led, Betray’d when living, and bely’d when dead : All Peace be to thy Shade, much injur’d Prince ; The Sires fold thee, the Sonxs their Country fince. Written in the Legues off aFawn, by Dr. ATTER- BuRY, late Bifbop of Rochefter. LAVTIA, the leaft and flighteft Toy, Can with refiftlefs Art employ ; ‘This Fan in meaner Hands would prove ; An Engineof {mall Force in Love ; Yet the, with graceful. Air and Mien, Not.to -be, told.or, fairly feen.;.. Diregts its, wanton Motion fo, ,. That it wounds more than Cupids Bow ; Gives Coolnefs to the matchlefs Dame, To every other Breaft a Flame. JOEMTLLER’s Jests. 14 eb AUREATL 7 ELL, faid Apolh, ftill.*tis mine To give the real Laurel : For that,.my Pope, my Son divine, Of Rivals ends the Quarrel. But, gueiing who would have the Luck To be the Birth-Day-Fibber ; I thought of Dennis, Tibbald, Duck, But, never dreamt of Czbber. Tranflated from BucuANAN. Beginning, Pauper eram javenis, Fe. OOR, when in Youth; now worn with feeble Age I’m rich ; bat wretched ftill in either Stage. When Wealth [ could enjoy I then had none ; Now Plenty’s come, all Power of Ufe is gone. On ok a covetons Pa R SO Ny By the. qs Me. AMHURST. Nform’d in Nature’s Shop while Cra/fus lay, A cumbrous Heap of coarfe neglected Clay, Pray, ‘aa, fays the Foreman of the Trade, What of yon paultry Rubbifh muft be made? For it’s too grofs, faid he, and unrefin’d, To be the Carcafs of a thinking Mind ; Then it’s too lumpifh, and too ‘tiff, to make A Fop, a Beau, a Wittling, or a Rake; Nor is it, for a Lady's Footman ‘fit, ). ° ry ae og For Ladies) Footmen mult; have Senfe and Wit: RB 148 JOE MILLER’s fests. A Warrior muft be vigilant and bold, And therefore claims a brisk and ative Mould ; A Statefman muft be skill’d in various Arts, A Miftrefs muft have Charms, a Pimp have Parts. A Lawyer without Craft will get no Fees, This Matter, therefore, will make none of thefe ; Jn fhort, I plainly think it good for nought, But, Madam, I defire your better Thought. Why, Yom, faid fhe, in a difdainful Tone, Amongift the Sweepings let it then be thrown. Or make a Parfon of the ufelefs Stuff, *Twill ferve a preaching Blockhead well enough. Mens MuLIEBRIS. ATURE to all does due Provifion make, And what Men want in Head they have & Back : Then who can difapprove the Fair One’s Rules, Who talk with Men of Senfe, but kifs with Fools. Th Lucxy Man. By Mr. We LsTeED, Owe, fays Metius, much to Colon's Care ; ] Once ofly feen, he chofe me for his Heir : True, Metius ; hence your Fortunes take their Rife ; His Heir you were not, had he feen you' Twice. On a Company of bad Ditncers te good Mufic. . By Mr. Buve ens! O W ill the Motion with the Mufic fuits ! So Orpheus fiddled, ‘and fo dane’d the Brutes. ae a JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. 149 In a Window of a Room in the Tower of London, zs wrote; Roe Bie Ee PiOe LD By 3712: Underneath that are the following Lines. OOD unexpected, Evil unforefeen, Appear, by Turns, as Fortune fhifts the Scene ; Some, rais’d aft, come tumbling down amain, And fall fo hard, they bound. and rife again. Lanfdo-wn, Sept. 24, 1716. ya ut ag (a 3 uty BR YVERE lies a Lady, who, if not bely’d, Took wife St. Paul’s Advice, and all Things try’d: Nor ftopt fhe here ; but follow’d thro’ the. reft, And always ftuck the Longe/? to the Bef. ErprTaPu on an unknown Perfon. Ithout a Name, for ever fenfelefs, dumb, . Daft, Athes, nought elfe, lies within this : ‘Tomb- Where-e’er [ liv’d, or dy’d, it matters not ; To whom related, or by whom begot: | JY was, but am not; ask no more of me; It’s all I am, and ‘all that thou fhalt be. N the Player. - Epitaph defignd for Mr. M ERE lies the Few That Shake/peare drew. L 3 Ta 150 - JOR MILLER’s JEstTs. on bis To Mr. ———, on his complimenting Mr. C ' PoETRY. » you fay, writes well, fuppofe it true, C You pawn your Word for him ; he’ll vouch for you : So two poor Knaves, when once their Credit fail, To cheat the World, become each’ other’s Bail. The Lovers LEGACY. NHAPPY Svtrephon, dead and cold, His Heart was. from his Bofom rent, Embalm’d, and in a Box of Gold, To his beloved Kitty fent. Some Ladies might, perhaps have fainted, But Kitty {mil’d upon the Bauble ; A Pin-cufhion, faid fhe, I wanted, ~ Go put it on the Drefling-Table. — Writ in Mis F——'s Pew at 1—— Church. ITH Awe, with Pleafure, and Surprize, . I view the Lightning of your Eyes ; Lightning ! that ‘wounds “me as it fies. What Prayer? What Vow! to Heav’n can go? For all Devotion you fubdue ; At leaft, tis all transferr’d to you. In vain is human Strength, its boafted Art, While you fet here, you fhare my Vows in Part ; To *Y— I give my Ears, to you my Eyes and Heart.» © ' * The Minifier. ” > . To JOE MILLER’s Jests. 151 Yo Mr. D ge, going to paint Mifs A——t———n’s -Pidure, foon after foe came out of ‘Yothill-Fields. Beauteous Woman ne’er fo {weet appears. As when. Affliction forces gentle Tears ; The Charmer then not only sleates Sight, But melts our Paffions "till they all. unite. If d——t m you'd paint in all her Charms, Give not a Lover to her willing Arms ; But in Affliction, with ber Eyes Brim-full, Her lovely Image take, when Milling Doll. PromoTuHeus il painted. By Mr. Cow eny. OW wretched does Promothexs’ State appear, Whilft he his fecond Mis’ry fuffers here ! Draw him’ no more, left, as he tortur’d ftands, .~ He blame great Foue’s lefs than the Painter’s Hands. It would the Vulture’s Cruelty out-go, if once again his Liver thus fhould grow. Pity him, Fove, and his bold-Theft allow ; © The Flames he once ftole from thee grant him now. On aLanvy who pretended to tell Fortunes. By Mr. Moe tik OME Oracles of old, to canfe more Wonder, Were, when pronounc’d, accompany’d with’ Thunder : ‘But thy Predi€tions come not in a Storm, They are deliver’d by the brighteft Form : If when you fpeak, ove does not, pierce the Sky, Yet ftill you’ve all his Lightning in your Eye, mg L 4 Qz 142 JOE MILLER’s JzesrTs. Ox BEN FOHNSONS Buf. fet up in Wet, minfter-Abbey, with the Buttons on the wrong Side of his Coat. By the Rev. Mr. SaMuEL WESLEY. Rare Ben Fobnfou! What, a Turn-Coat grown ! Thou ne’er were fuch, ’till thou wert clad in Stone. ea When Time thy Coat, thy only Coat, impairs, Thoul’t find a Patron in a hundred Years : Then let not this Miflake difturb thy Sprite, Another Age fhall fet thy Buttons right. On a handfome Woman with a fine Voice, but very Covetous and Proud. S O bright is thy Beauty, fo charming thy Song, As had drawn both the Beafts, and their Orpheus along ; But fuch is thy Avarice, and fuch is thy Pride, That the Beafts muft have flarv’d, and the Poet have dy’d. é' e On a Papilt’s praying to the Statue of a Saint. From BUCHANAN, HEN you before an Image kneeling down, Cry, with grave Face, Our Father, to the . Stone : ; Forgive me if I fay you feem to me, More fenfelefs than the Thing to which you pray 3 As you yourfelf by this Expreffion own, . For he’s a Block, whofe Father is ——— a Stone. V E- 4 JOE MILLER’s Jests, 153 VENUS wmifaken. By Mr. Prior. HEN Chloe's Pi&ture was to Vezus fhown ; Surprizd, the Goddefs took it for her own ; And what, faid fhe, does this bold Painter mean? When was I bathing thus, and naked feen? Pleas’d Cupid heard, and check’d his Mother’s Pride ; And who’s blind now, Mamma? the Urchin cry’d. Tis Chice’s Eye, and Cheek, and Lip, and Breaft, Friend Howard’s Genius fancy’d all the reft. Lingua potentior Arnis, HAT Speech furpaffes Force is pes new Whim : Fave caus’d the Heavens to treble; 3 Fund him, HAT Ignorance makes devout, if mene the Notion, Troth, Rufus, thou’rt a Man of great beveciens To a SEMPSTR ESS. H what Bofom but muft yield, When, like Pallas, you advance, With a Thimble for your Shield, And a Needle for your Lance? Faireft of the Stitching Train, Eafe my Paffion by your Art; And in Pity to my Pain, Mend the Hole that’s in my Hed 8 JOE MILLER’s Jests:- The RAPTURE. RY’D Strephon, panting in Co/melia’s Arms, I die, bright Nymph, I die amidft your Charms! Chear up, dear Youth, reply’d the Maid, 77 Diffolv’d in am’rous Pain, All Men mutt die (bright Boy, you know) Her they can rife again. ErrtaruomMr HARCOURT’s Tomb. By Mr. Pores. O this fad Shrine, whoe’er thou art, draw near, Here lies the Friend moft wept, the.Son moft dear, Who ne’er knew Fay but Friendfhip might divide, Nor gave his Father:Grief but when he dy’d. How vain is Reafon! Eloquence how weak! _ When Pope muft tell what Harcourt cannot fpeak. Yet let thy once lov’d Friend infcribe the Stone, And, with a Father’s Sorrows mix ‘his own. Ah no! ’tis vain to ftrive -—— it will not be3 No Grief ‘that canbe’ told is felt for. Thee. The Care of Love. HEN, Chie, I confefs my Pain, In gentle Words you: Pity fhow, But gentle Words are all in vain, Such Gales my Flame but higher blow: Ah, Chloe, would you cure the Smart Your conq’ring Eyes have keenly made, Yourfelf, upon my bleeding Heart, Yourfelf, fair secede mult be laid. a hus pOE MILLER’s Jesrsi 159 Thus for the Vipet’s Sting we know, No furer Remedy is found, Than to apply the tort’ring Foe, And fqueeze his Venom on the Wound. AY ONG the Fair that. Hyde-Park Circus grace, Canidia feeks Admirers of her Pace ; In vain her Airs, her Arts fhe tries, Among thofe Beauties that engage all Eyes : Bright Rays, like Diamonds, they around ’em fling, Whilft fhe is but the Cypher of the Ring. The difappointed Husband. Mulieri ne peer ne mortuce eee Scolding Wife fo fetes Sleep poflets'd, Her Spoufé:prefum’d her Soul was now at Rett. Sable was call’d to hang the Room» with Black ; And all their-Cheer was Sugar-Rolls and Sack. Two Mourning Staffs ftood Centry at. the Door ; And Silence veign’d, who ne’er was. there before. The Cloaks, and Tears, and Handkerehiefs prepar’d, They march’d in woeful Pomp to dbchurch Yard: When fee of narrow Streets. what Mifchief come! The very Dead can’t pafs in Quiet Home : By fome rude Jolt, the Coffin-Lid was broke, And Madam, from her Dream of Death awoke. Now all was fpoil’d : The Undertaker’s Pay, Sour Faces, Cakes, and Wine, quite thrown away, But fome Years after, when the former Scene Was acted, and: the Coffin nail’d again, The conde Husband took efpecial--Care, To keep the Paflage from Difturbance clear ; Charging the Bearers that they tread aright, Nor put his Dear in*fach another Fright: To 156 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. Wo POLLO EF. From Marviat, Book II. Epig. liii. By Mr.MoTtTuey. HY Eyes and Eyebrows I could fpare ; Nor for thy Nofe do I much care ; Icould difpenfe too with thy Teeth ; And with thy Lips, and with thy Breath ; And with thy Breafts, and with thy Belly, And with that which I, won’c tell ye; And, to be fhort hark, in thy Ear, Faith I could fpare thee All, my Dear. ERY nicely thou lay’ on thy Colours, dear Naa, And no Painter in Skill can o’er-top ye ; When to El/hs you fat, he dully brufh’d on, *Till he thought he had an Original drawn, Which you prov’d to be only a Copy. Errrarpu, on a@ talkative old Maid. Eneath this filent Stone is laid B A noify antiquated Maid, Who, from her Cradle, talk’d ’till Death, And ne’er before was out of Breath. Whither fhe’s gone we cannot tell, For if fhe talks not fhe’s in Hell - If fhe’s in Heaven fhe’s there unbleft, Becaufe fhe hates a Place of Reft. os 74 POE MIL UGERS Jests. 157 On Giues and JOAN, W H O fays that Giles and oan at Difcord be, The obferving Neighbours no fuch Mood can K fee: Indeed poor Giles repents he married ever, But that his oan doth too ; and Giles would never, By his free Will, be in Soax’s Company ; No more would Foax he fhould: Giles rifeth early ; And having got him out of Doors is glad ; The like is Foan: But turning Home is fad ; And fo is Yoan: Oft-times when Giles déth find ~ Harfh Sights at Home, Giles wifhes he were blind : All this doth Joan: Or, that his long-earn’d Life Were quite out-{pun: The like With hath his Wife. e Ch n iin he keeps Giles {wears are none tt and. fo wie his 2 Lace In all Afettions the « reth fi If now with Man te Wife to will ar The Self-fame Things, a Note of Conte d I know no Couple better can agree. BOBS Bc Be BAS Ncient PéAil/is has young Graces ; °Tis a ftrange Thing, but a true one: Shall I tell you how,. She herfelf makes her own Faces, 1 And each Morning wears a new one; Where’s the Wonder now. H AIS, her Teeth are black and sia Lucania’s white are grown ; Bat what’s the Reafon? Thefe are bought, The other wears her own. On m2 JOE/MTILLER’s Jests. + OnaRospBpeERiy. ID WAY robb'd Duncote of three hundred Pound ; Ridway was taken and condemn’d to die: But for his Money was a Courtier found Begg’d Ridway’s Pardon : Duncote now doth cry, Robb’d both of Money and the Law’s Relief, The’ Courtier is beconie the greater Thief. On a Pipe of ‘Tobacco, in the Faws of Th——. ~ How Dromo doubly puffs a Joke! ' And like the Sun, which all refines, Drive Clouds before him when he.fhines : While Friends who ftill his Wit admire, Allow fome Smoak to fuch-a Fire ; And think that they are well repaid, With fo much Light to fo much Shade. S EE, loft at once in Thought and Smoke, To a Painter drawing a Lady's PiGure. By Mr. Dennis, E * who great Fove’s Artillery ap’d fo well, By real Thunder and true Lightning fell ; How then durft thou, with equal Danger try To counterfeit the Lightning of her Eye? Painter, defift ; or foon th’Event will prove, That Love’s as jealous of his Arms as Fove. Lea: * Salmoncus. Advice JOEMILLER’s Jests 143 Advice to the Rev. Dr. T——, on bis. Tranflation of ; V ER bt, if IN D but thy preaching, anpaat tranflate no further : Is it not written, Tou /halt do no Murther'? To Mr. POPE, on his Tranflation of Hom & Rs i S O much, dear Pope, thy Engle Iliad charms, Where Pity melts us, or where Paffion warms ; That After-Ages fhall, with Wonder feek, Who ‘twas tranflated Homer into Greef. A DIALOGUE between tua very bad Poets. By Mr. CON CANNEN. AYS. Richard* to Foet thou’rt a very fad Dog, And thou can’ft write Verfes no more thana ‘Log. Says Fofeph to Dick, Prithee Ring-Rhime get hence, Sure my Verfe, at tea: is as good as thy Senfe. Was e’er fuch a Conteit recorded , in Song? The one’s in the Right, and Cother’s not wrong. Te On SUICIDE: FroaMarriat. By. Dr. SB WoEL, Win HE N all the Blandifhments of Life arg gone, The Coward creeps to’ Death, the Brevup livegon. ro a ayy * Savage. ' t Miiched. Oz yo JOEMILLER’s Jests: On the late Satuy SALISBURY. ERE flat on her Back, but unaétive at laft, Poor Sally lies under grim Death; _ Thro’ the Courfe of her Vices fhe gallop’d fo fait, No Wonder fhe’s now out of Breath. To the Goal of her Pleafures fhe drove very hard, ~ But was tripp’d up e’er half Way she ran ; And tho’-every Body fancied her Life was a Yard, Yet it prov’d to be lefs than a Span. On a Flower painted byVaARELST. HEN fam’d Vare/f this little Wonder drew, Flora vouch{af’d the growing Work to view; Finding the Painter’s Science at a Stand, ‘The Goddefs fnatch’d the Pencil from his Hand, _ And finifhing the Piece, she, fmiling, faid, Behold one Work of mine which néer foall fade. A’Sa wr a Loe? W OMEN to Cards may be compar’d: We play A Round or two; when us'd, we throw away, Take a fresh Pack; nor is it worth our grieving, Who cuts and shuffles with the dirty Leaving. Ox a certain Writer. fH ALF of your Book is to an Index grown ; You give your Book Contents, your Readers none, Wrate JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. «16; Wrote on the Door of the ANncEL Inn, on the Read to Newmarket, which was kept by tovo Sifters, But Juft then fout up, and the Sign taken down. : HRISTIAN and GRACE Liv’d in this Place, An Angel kept the Door: - But Cu ristT1A4 n’s dead, The Angel's fled, AndGrace is turn’d a Whore. On the Rev. Dr. Swirrt, D. SP. D. leaving his Fortune to build an Hofpital for Idiots and Lunaticks. HE Dean muft die! —— Our Idiots to main- tain! A 4 Perith ye Idiots ! ay And long live. the Dean v oly On the fame. O! Swift to Idiots bequeaths his Store ; Be wife ye Rich —— Confider thus the Poor. The CHOICE. OO confcious of her Worth, a noble Maid, Baulk’d many a Lover, and her Mind out-ftay’d, While yet a Peer, lefs doubting than the reft, Defy’d her Coldnefs, and attack’d her Breatft. A Spaniel Whelp, and Spaniel Lord declare Their Vows to ferve, and Hopes to pleafe the Fair; The cautious Nymph, ftill fearing a Trepan, Their Fortune, Wit, and Worth did nicely {can ; Then, as the Reafon of the Cafe is clear, ‘Embrac’d the Puppy, and vii § the Peer, 5 Gh poss . 74 262 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs. On a. LADY who was wery bandfame and very kind. HL O E’s the Wonder of her Sex, "Tis well her Heart is tender : How might fuch killing Eyes perplex, With Virtue to defend her. But Nature, gracioufly inclin’d, Not bent to vex, but pleafe us, Has to her boundlefs Beauty join’d A boundlefs Will to eafe us. On feeing aMise Rr at Spring-Gardens. U SIC has Charms to footh a Savage Breaft, To calm the Tyrant, and relieve th’ Oppreft: But Vauxhall’s Concert’s more attracting Pow’r, Unlock’d Sir Richard’s Pocket at Threefcore : Oh ! ftrange Effect of Mufic’s matchlefs Force, T” extract a Shilling from a Mifer’s Purfe ! ADISTIC H, written under the Sign of the King’s Head and Bell ix DuBLtin, at the Hof’s Requefi. By DeanS WI1F 7. ‘AY the King live long ; Dong ding, ding dong. y On @ certain Poet. T H Y¥ Verfes are eternal, O my Friend ! 4 For he who reads them, reads them to no ta f | de JOE MILLER’s JesTs.. 163 To a Lady who had very bad Teeth. O VID, who bid the Ladies langh, Spoke only to the Young and Fair 3 For thee his Council were not fafe, Who of found Teeth have fcarce a Pair. If thou the Glafs, or me believe, > Shun Mirth, as Foplings do the Wind ; At Pinkey’s Face affett to grieve, And let thy Eyes alone be kind. Speak not, tho’ ’twere to give Confent, For he that fees thofe rotten Bones, Will dread their monumental Scent, And fly your Sighs, like dying Groans, If thou art wife fee difmal Plays, And to fad Stories lend thy Ear ; With the Afflifted fpend thy Days, And laugh not above once a Year. RS NE LI LR IE TEDL, SEAS EOE IE AE TTC IE LE IOS, On MARY CRESWELT, Nderneath this Stone lies one, — Whom many Times I’ve lain upon $ I’ve kifs’d her fetting, ftanding, lying,” When fhe rifes again, have at her flying. ty + Under the Pidure of a Beau. which are here tranflated. Pp EUT om croire avec bon fens Qwun lardon se mit en colere ; faa Cl se: manger un harang Ce un Secret pour luy plair? En fa gloire envelopé Songe Pil bien de nos foupé. In Engh/e: By Dean Swirr. H O can believe, with common Senfe, A Bacon-flice gives God Offence! Or, how a Herring hath a Charm Almighty Anger to difarm? Wrapt up in Majefty divine, Does he regard on what we dine! Pinnd to a Sheet, in which a Woman flood ta da Penance in the Church. H ERE ftand 1, for, Whores as great To caft a {cornfal Eye on; Should each Whore here be doom’d a Sheet, You’d foon want one to lie on. A Cure for PoETRY. S EVEN wealthy’Towns contend for Homer dead, Thro’ which se Living Homer begg’d hig Bread. P 7 Ox a66 JOE MILLER’ Jests: Ox a Gentleman drinking the Health of an unkind Mifirefs. 7 HY do’ft thou with that fhe may live, Whofe living Beauties make thee grieve : Thou would’it more wifely with her kind, That fhe may change her cruel Mind ; Thy prefent With but this can gain, That fhe may “ve and thou complain. EPitTapH on a Country Sexton ERE lies old Hare, Worn out with Care, Who whilome toll’d a Bell 5 Could dig a Grave, Or fet a Stave, And fay Amen full well. . For facred Song, = : He’d Hopkin’s ‘Tongue, And Sternbold’s eke alfo ; With Cough and Hem, He ftood by them, As far’s: his Word would go. The Worms have lof Their good old Hoft, Who them full often fed ; For he is gone, With Skin and Bone, To ftarve. them now he’s dead. Here take his. Spade, And ufe his Trade, Since he is out of Breath ; Cover the Bones Of him, who once Wrought Journey-work with Death. On“ JOEMILLER’s Jesrs, 16% On a WELCHMAN. Welchman coming late into an Inn, Ask’d the Maid what Meat there was within ? Cow:Heels fhe anfwer’d, and a Breaft of Mutton; But, quoth the Welchmaz, fince Iam no Glutton, Either of thefe fhall ferve ; to Night the Breaft, The Heels i’th’ Morning, then light Meat is beft ; At Night he took the Breaft, and did not pay, Ith’ Morning took his Hee/s, and ran away. i EpitapsH upon Counflllr GIL L. Bi ERE lies the Body of Counfellor Gii/, Who, before he died, had made his laft Will; Which was, Imprimis, That he might have made A Grave, feven Foot deep, with an Iron Spade ; So as to hold full Ten Gallons of Gin, Six Pounds of Tobacco, with Pipes put therein ; Thefe being his only Wifhes, and earneft Requeft, Pray add a young Daméfel, if you think it bef; He thought it, when living, both fitting and juit, To have what he lov’d, when laid in the Duft. To bis Falfe Miftrefi. H O U faid’ft that I alone thy Heart could move, And that for me thou would’ ft abandon Fove. I lov’'d thee then ; not with a Love defil’d, But as a Father loves his only Child. ae I know thee now; and, tho’ I fiercer burn, in Sa Thou art become the Object of my Scorn. See what thy Falshood gets! I muft confefs, I love thee more, but I efteem thee lefs. M 4 On 568 JOE MILLER’s JEestTs. On an old Woman with falfe Hair. HE Golden Hair that Ga//a wears, Is her’s: Who would have thought it? She fwears ’tis her’s, andtrue fhe fwears; For I know where fhe bought it. On another old Woman. ROM her own native France, as old Aiifon patt, She reproached Englij/o Nell with Neglect or with Malice, That the Slattern had left, in the Hurry and Hafte, | Her Lady’s Complexion and Eye-brows at Calais. The PENANCE. H E N PAiliis confefs’d her the Father was rath, And fo without farther Reflection, Her delicate Skin he condemn’d to the Lath, While himfelf would beftow the Correétion : Her Husband, who heard this, eppos’d it by urging, That he, in Regard to her Weaknefs, And to fave her foft Back, would himfelf bear the Scourging. . With humble Submiffion and Mecknefs, She pioufly cry’d, when the Prieft gave Accord, To thew what Devotion was in her, He’s able and lufty, pray cheat not the Lord, For alas! I’m a very great Sinner. Ox a@ Gentleman who died the Day after his Lady. S HE fir departed; he for one Day try’d To live without her; like it not, and dy’d. Upore JOEMILLER’s Jests. 169 Upon one ftealing a Pound of Candles. | Oe ets aa Catch, to keep his Hand in Ure, Stole any Thing; of this you may be fure, That he thinks all his own which once he handles, For Praétice Sake did fteal a Pound of Candles ; Was taken in the Fatt: Oh, foolith Wight / To fteal fuch Things as needs muit come to Light. La, EP Ps Ts Wy Ay PA, H E RE lies honeft Strephon with Mary his Bride, Who merrily liv’d, and cheerfully dy’d ; They laugh’d and they lov’d, and drank while they were able, But now they are fore’d to knock under the Table. This Marble, which formerly ferv’d them to drink on, Now covers their Bodies ; a fad Thing to think on. That do what one can to moilten our Clay, ’Twill one Day be Afhes, and moulder away. On a beautiful and ingenious young Lady. I NERV A one Day,. pray let no Body doubt it, Rid an Airing from Oxford fix Miles, or about it, Where fhe ’{fpied a young Damfel fo blooming and fair, That, ah Venus! fhe cry’d, is your Ladythip there ? Pray is not yon Oxford? and lately you {ware, Neither you, nor aught like you, fhould ever come there: ) ae Do you thus keep your Promife ? And am I defy’d ? The Virgin drew near her, and, fmiling reply’d, © —— My Goddefs ! What have you your Pupil forgot ? ——— Your Pardon, my Dear Is it you Molt S———t ? On ¥ 170 JOEMILLER’s Jests. On an ugly old Woman in the Dark. From Martiar: H ILS T inthe Dark on thy foft Hand I hung, And heard the tempting Syrez in thy Tongue ; What Flames, what Darts, what Anguifh I endur’d ; But, when the Candle enter’d, I was cur’d. On an old Maids Marriage. E LI A, a Coquet in her Prime, The vaineft fickleft Thing alive ; Behold the ftrange Effets of Time! Marries and doats at Forty-five. © Thus Weather-Cocks, who for a-while Have turn’d about with every Blatt ; Grown old, and deftitute of Oil, Ruf to a Point, and fix at laft. On meeting TOM SOUTHERN, coming from Shake- {peare’s Tomb, and going to Prayers in the Abbey. H O° a whole People to thy Merit juft, Next Shakefpeare fhall ereét thy laurell’d But ; Tho’ future Bards, illumin’d by thy Page, Shall learn from thee to melt a future Age: Be this thy fairer Fame : The holy Sigh, ™ The Knee low bended, and uplifted Eye ; ‘The humble Prayer, and not the. lofty Wit ; The Life well fpent, and not the Play well writ : *T was great to move the Paflions and the Heart, The Paffions conguer’d thew thy greater Art. JOEMILLER’s Jests: 171% Ona WELcuMAN. Man of Wales betwixt-St. David's Day and Eafer, Ran in his Hoftefs’ Score, for Cheefe great Store, a ‘Fetter ; His Hoftefs chalk’d it up behind the Door ; And fays, for Cheefe, come, Sir, difcharge this Score: Cot Zounds, quoth he, what meaneth thefe # D’ye think hur knows not Chalk from Cheefe? To a Lady who married her Footman. By Colonel P—. EAR Coufin, think it no Reproach ; (Thy Virtue fhines the more) To take Black Jo uw into the Coach, He rode behind befire. Ox MonTicEutt, the Eunuch, F Febria’s Judgment you rely on, Enraptur’d Febria’s, fure to tell ye, ‘That neither Orpheus, nor Ampbion, Could charm like warbling Monticelii. But if Effects moft wond’rous prove, A Title to the greateft Art and Fame 5 Thofe old Muficians Svtoxes could move : Can Monticelli do the fame? On Dr. HoLLaNn’s tranflating SUETONIUS. : HILEMON with Tranflations fo doth fill us, RK He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus. ” 4 @ w2 JOE MILLER’s Jzsrs, To a Lady, with Ov1p’s Epiftles. By the late Mr. BEcKINGHAM. ADAM, whilft here th’Intrigues of antient Dames, And fad Effects of ill-requited Flames, The Love recording Ovid's Numbers fhow, In all the lively Grace of ‘Tuneful Woe ; Think not too rude the Poet’s Art appears, That draws deferted Toafts and Beauty’s Tears: How perjur’d Men the eafy Fair difdain, And too complying Nymphs are kind in vain ; Think not your Sex traduc’d thro’ Spleen or Rage, His Belles were copy’d from a former Age ; "Their Charms too languid, and too faint to move, But thro’ an Ovia’s Skill the Heroes love ; Wow had he liv’d, that Praife had all been crofs’d, And half the Genius of the Poet loft ; The pleafing Anguifh that his Lines impart, We’er touch’d with Female Griefs the Reader’s Heart ; Once had he feen Originals like You, His Ladies muft have charm’d, his Men been true. On @ certain gouty Port, with his Feet wrappd up iz Ivy-Leaves, and Flannel or Bays. OET and Critic both would $ be ; But to fuch Poets who did e’er decree Chaplets of Bays from Phebus facred Tree? Nor will the Critic’s Ivy deign to fpread On that hard faplefs Clod, mifcall’d his Head. His gouty Numbers bid to both Defiance, With both his gouty Feet have fought Alliance ; So on his burning Toes alone he lays The Critic’s Ivy, and the Poet’s Bays, To JOE MILLER’s Jests, 173 To Oris. 2 FT, By a Gentleman who imitated his Manner and Style in Writing. OU, who firft taught us in this Ifle True Humour, drefs’d in beauteous Stile, Apollo's Subftitute, moft fit, To raife and cultivate our Wit. In this we have our different View, You rival him, we copy you; And copy too, with great Miftake, Thofe noble Draughts you often make ; So when the Buckler, dropt by Fate, From Heaven, to fave the Romaz State: Others were made a common Crew, To.guard, but not eclipfe the True. Our whole Pretence to pafs for Wits, Is that we are your Counterfeits. To L——, the Miser. HEN thou art ask’d to fup Abroad, Thou fwear’it thou haft but newly din’d ; That eating late does overload The Stomach and the Mind. But if Appicius makes a Treat, The flender’ft Summons thou obey’ft ; No Child is greedier of the Teat, Than thou art of the bounteous Feaft.. There thou wilt drink ’till every Star Be fwallow’d by the Rifing Sun; Such Charms hath Wine we pay not for ; And Mirth at others Charge begun. «Who fhuns his Club, yet flies to every Treat, “Does not a Supper, but a Reck’ning hate. EPE© 174 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs: EPITAPH on a certain Nobleman, who died by taking Cantharides. ERE old Grubbinol lies, Upon very odd ‘Terms ; Firft a Prey to the Fhes, Now a Prey to the Worms. Let thofe that grieve for him not wonder he’s flown, For the Carcafs muft rot when the Flefh is Fly-blown. Yet this may be faid in his Praife, Tho’ Death, cruel Death, from us tore him, He died, endeavouring to raife His Friend who was dead long before him. Or CHLOE. ERE Chloe lies Whofe once bright Eyes Set all the World on Fire ; And not to be Ungrateful, fhe Did all the World admire. OnFARANELLI's coming to fing in the Opera. MPHION ftrikes the vocal Lyre, And ready at his Call, Harmonious Brick and Stone confpire To raifé the Theban Wall. In Emulation of his Praife, A Latian Hero’s come, The Opera Theatre to raife, And new ere& its Dome: But JOE MILLER’s Jests. ays But how this laft should come to pafs, Ts ftrange, all Men muft own ; Since this poor Gentleman, alas ! Brings neither Brick nor Stone. ae H E Poet and the Painter fafely dare, To form an Image of the proudeft Fair : Your brighter Charms, by lavish Nature wrought, Tranfcend the Painter's Skill, and Poet’s Thought. On the Clare-Market, and other ORATORS. HO wonder now at Balaam’s AS is weak, © Is there a Day that Affes do not {peak ? To a Lady who defired to know in what the Goodne/s. of an PI GRAM confifts. N Epigram'’s good, when like you, Miftrefs _ 3 Frail, ¥ ’Tis pretty and fhort, with a Sting in its Tail. _ Ox a Riding-Houfe turn'd into a Chapel. - Chapel of the Riding-Houfe is made, Thus we once more fee Chrift in Manger laid, Where ftill we find the Jockey Trade fupply’d, The Laymen bridled, and the Clergy ride. On m6 JOEMILLER’s Jestsi Ox Jeatousy. By a Lady. O H! thield me from his Rage, celeftial Powers, This Tyrant that imbitters all my Hours. Ah Love, youv’e poorly play’d the Monarch’s Part, You conquer’d, but you can’t defend my Heart. So blefs’d was I, throughout the happy Reign. I thought this Monfter banish’d from thy Train $ But you would raife him to fupport your Throne, And now he claims your Empire as his own: Or tell me, Tyrants, have you both agreed, "There where one reigns, the other fhall fucceed. | On a very homely Lavy, that patch'd much. OUR homely Face, Fippanta, you difguife With Patches, numerous as Argus’ Eyes 5 I own that Patching’s requifite for you, For more we are pleas’d, if lefs your Face we view : Yet I advife, if my Advice you'd ask, Wear but one Patch; but be that Patch a Mask. On FULI As throwing a Snow- Ball. U L I A, young, wanton, flung the gather’d Snow, Nor fear’d I burning from the wat’ry Blow: "Tis cold I cry’d, but, ah! too foon I found, Sent by that Hand, it dealt a {corching Wound. Refiftlefs Fair! we fly thy Pow’r in vain, Who turn’ to fiery Darts the frozen Rain. Burn, Yulia, burn like me, and that Defire ; With Water which thou kindleft, quench with Fire. PORE MIL LER’s Jests a7 Oz a Dums Boy, very beautiful, and of great Quicknefs of Parts. Written by a Lady. Sing the Boy, who, gagg’d and bound, Has been, by Natare, robb’d of Sound ; Yet has fhe found a gen’rous Way, One Lofs by many Gifts to pay. His Voice, indeed, fhe clofe confin’d, But bleft him’ with a fpeaking Mind ; And ev’ry Mufcle of his Face, Difcourfes with peculiar Grace: The Ladies tattling o’er their Tea, Might learn to charm by copying thee: If Silence thus can Man become, All Women-Beauties fhould be dumb. Then, happy Boy, no more complain, Nor think thy Lofs of Speech a Pain : Nature has us’d thee like good Liquor, And cork’d thee, but to make thee quicker. ADAM posd. OULD our firft Father, at his toilfome Plough, C: Thorns in his Path, and Labour on his Brow, Cloath’d only in a rude unpolifh’d Skin ; Could he a vain fantaftick Nymph have {feen, In all her Airs, in all her antic Graces, Her various Fafhions, and more various Faces ; How had it pos’d that Skill, which late affign’d Juft Appellations to each feveral Kind : A right Idea of the Sight to frame, To guefs from what new Element fhe came, To hit the wavering Form, or give the Thing a Name. 178 JOEMILLER’s Jzesrs. Occafioned by feeing fome Verfis on C JZ LIA, cwrote on a Pane of Gla/s. ELL haft thou drawn, fond Youth, in pro- pereft Place, The fhort-liv’d Beauties of falfe Czlza’s Face. When: Words Obfcurities thy Senfe o’erfhade, The Place gives Light to what thou would’ft have faid. Bright as this lucid Glafs her Eyes now feem, Like this, breath’d on, by fell Difeafe grow dim. Like Glafs is every ftrongeft Vow fhe makes, Brittle as that, as eafily the breaks ; Such is her Honour: Short her Fame, we find, Which crack’d, muft perifh by the firft high Wind. On aParinTeER, who flabbd a Man faften'd to a Crofs, that he might draw .the Picture of the Cruci~ fixion more naturally. H ILE his Redeemer on his Canvas dies, Stabb’d at his Feet his Brother welt’ring lies : The daring Artift, cruelly ferene, Views the pale Cheek, and the diftorted Mien ; He drains off Life by Drops, and deaf to Cries, Examines every Spirit as it flies: He ftudies Torment, dives in mortal Woe ; To rouze up every Pang, repeats his Blow ; Each rifing Agony, each dreadful Grace, Yet warm. tranfplanting to his Saviour’s Face. Oh glorious Theft! Oh nobly wicked Draught! With its full Charge of Death each Feature fraught ! Such wond’rous Force the magick Colours boaft, From his own Skill he ftarts, in Horror loft.. The Per ee DM Th: te R's Jes tsvya75 The. DA. ‘RT. Hene’er I Jook, I may defcry A little Face peep through that Eye : Sure that’s the Boy, who wifely chofe - His Throne among fuch Beams as thofe, Which, if his Quiver chance to fall, May ferve for Darts to kill withal. Ox aRAKE. AC K he knows the World : Moft dreadful News ! That all the World haunt Taverns and the Stews. Sek Le Be ae S ILV I A makes a fad Complaint fhe has loft her Lover : Why nothing ftrange I in that News difcover. Nay, then thou’rt dull; for here the Wonder lies, She hada Lover once! —— don’t that furprize ? On a handfme Ioio0T. HEN Leéfia firft I faw fo heavenly fair, With Eyes fo bright, and with that awful Air, I thought my Heart, which durft fo high afpire, As bold as his, who fnatch’d czleftial Fire ; But foon as e’er the beauteous Idiot fpoke, Forth from’ her coral Lips fuch Folly broke ; Like Balm the trickling Nonfenfe heal’d my Wound, And what her Zyes enthrall’d, her Zongue unbound. EE. 2 Wrote & 180 JOE MILLER’s jesrs. Wrote by a young Lady on one of the Windows in Not- tingham-Caftle. E Heavens! if Innocence deferves your Care, Why have ye made it fatal to be Fair? Bafe Man, the Ruin of our Sex was born, The Beauteous are his Prey, the Reft his Scorn ; Alike unfortunate, our Fate is fuch, We pleafe too little, or we pleafe too much. To a Lady of Pleafure. Y Heart is proud your Chains to wear, But Reafon will not ftoop : I love that Angel’s Face, but fear The Serpent in your Hoop. That Circle is a Magick Spell, To make the Wifeft fall, Its Centre black and deep, like Hell, Contains the Devil and all. Your Eyes difcharge the Darts of Love ; But, oh, what Pain fucceed ! When Darts fhall Pins and Needles prove ; And Love a Fire indeed. Solid Worth in aWtiF kt. HEWN Lovelefs married Lady Fenny, Whofe Beauty was the ready Penny ; I chofe her, fays he, like old Plate, Not for the Fafhion, but the Weight. JOE MILLER’s Jesns. 18% Or WEDLOCK. ta Marriage are two happy Things allow’d, . A Wife in Wedding Sheets, and in a Shroud : How can a Marriage State then be accurs’d, Since the laft Day’s as happy as the firtt. To a young Gentleman who loved to drive hard with a Sorry Pair of Horfes. HY Nags, the leaneft Things alive, So very hard thou lov’ft to drive, I heard thy anxious Coachman fay, It cofts thee more in Whips than Hay. On Sir RICHARD BLACKMORE. ET Blackmore fill in good King Arthur's Vein, To Flecknoe’s Empire his juft Right maintain ; Let him his own to common Senfe oppofe, With Praife and Slander maul both Friends and Foes ; Let him great Dryden’s awful Name prophane, And learned Garth with envious Pride difdain ; Codron’s bright Genius with vile Puns lampoon, And run a Muck at all the Wits in Town ; Let the Quack fcribble any Thing but Bills, His Satyr wounds not, but his Payfic kills. On a Ladys wearing a Patch. HAT little Patch upon your Face, Would feem a Foil on one lefs Fair ; On you it hides a charming Grace, And you, in Pity plac’d it there. N 3 The 2’ JOR Mik L E Ris, Jesrs. x The HUSBAND. By a Lady. ™H E Poets fing of old, that am’rous Fove In various Shapes perform’d the Feats of Love. Chang’d toa Swan, he rifled Leda’s Charms, And with a rival Whitenefs fill’d her Arms. On Danae’s Lap he fell a Golden Shower : (Gold is the fureft Friend in’ an Amour.) Now in a Bull’s or Satyr’s grifly Shape, He on fome Beauty makes a welcome Rape. Nor think it ftrange, that Fove’s Almighty Power, Thro’ thefe bafe Forms, taught Females to adore : A Likenefs lefs agreeable he try’d, He came a Hufband to Amphitrion’s Bride ; And in a Hufband’s Shape could welcome prove, Who muft not own the Omnipotence of Fave. MYT pee cc Mee, Alpe Bes Oa Pak eta. Naki) ae From Monficur de la Fountain. By Mr.MorTtTuiey. HEN Ahce was fick, and like to die, y \ Her Friends advifed her to confefs : What! mind you not your Soul, they cry ; Alas! faid fhe, I mean no lefs. To Father Andrew fend away, For he’s the Man in fuch a Cafe, Who always hears what I’ve to fay; And ftores me with new Seeds of Grace. A Meffenger’s difpatch’d with Speed, To fetch this Crone her Ghottly Guide, Who, ever, in her Time of Need, Fit Aids of Comfort could provide, He POE MIL LE R’s Jase s. psy He at the Convent Door does knock ; Who is it you Want? cries out a Brother: Tis Father Andrew of your Flock, For Alice has Dealings with no other : She’s fick, and needs muft be confefs’d ; Her Confcience with the World fet even: By Father Andrew, fure you jeft, He’s been thefe dozen Years in Heaven. On Dr. Tavuok, avery fat Man. 7 HEN Tadle walks the Streets, the Paviours cry, y God blefs you, Sir, and lay their Rammers by. A N and Money a mutual Friendfhip fhow, Man makes falfe Money, Money makes Man fo. Written on the Chamber-Door of King CHaRrtwtes II, By the Earl off ROCHESTER, E RE lies the Mutton-eating King, Whofe Word no Man relies on ; Who never faid a foolifh Thing, Nor ever did a wife one. Tuomas’s Wife. HEN Thomas calls his Wife his Half, I like the Fellow’s Whim ; . For why? fhe horns him; fo the Jilt Sait Belongs but half to him. N 4 To 84 JOE MILLER’s Jesrs. Jo CHARINUS, an ugh Woman's Husband. HARINUS, ’twas my Hap of late, To have a Sight of thy dear Mate; So white, fo flourifhing, fo fair, So trim, fo modeft, debonair ; That if good ove would grant to me A Leath of Beauties, fuch as fhe, Id give the Devil, at one Word, Two, if he would take the Third. Again? an ATHEIST. HILST im his double Elbow Chair, Young Akider does loll and fwear, No Wonder if a Wretch, like me, An Objeé of his Raillery ; Why fhould not I a Blockhead feem ‘To one who does his God blafpheme? But no Man thinks (whate’er he faith) His Words are Articles of Faith. By W. Watsu, Ef O, faid old Lyce, fenfelefs Lover, go, . And with foft Verfes court the Fair; but know, With all thy Verfes, thou can’t get no more Than Fools without one Verfe, have had before. Enrag’d at this, upon the Bawd I flew ; But .that which moft enrag’d me, was, twas true. To a bad Fidler. LD Orpheus play’d fo well, he mov’d old ANicé, While thou mov’ft nothing but thy Fiddle-ftick. PHIL- JOE MILLER’s Jests. 185 PHILLIS’s “Ke. By Mr. Prior. H OW old may Philks be, you ack, Whofe Beauty thus all Hearts engages. ‘Lo anfwer is no eafy Task ; For fhe really has two Ages. Stiff in Brocade, and pinch’d in Stays, Her Patches, Paint, and Jewels on 3; All Day let Envy view her Face, And Péillis is but Twenty-one. Paint, Patches, Jewels laid afide, At Night Aitronomers agree, The Evening has the Day bely’d ; And Phillis is fall Forty-three. Tait AR UE Er1craM Ixxviii. of the Fourth Book of MarTiat. By Mr. MoTQIueEy. HEWN Varus asks his Friends to dine, With Plate and Glafs his Side-Boards fhine 3 But that, alas! is poor Relief To Stomachs fharply fet on Beef : For tho’ his Plate may feaft the Eye, ’Yis neither fit to roaft nor fry. On a famous Toafi at OXFORD. N E Stone now keeps Kztty down. Who when alive mov’d half the Stones in Town. Gr yoo POR. MIL LER’s Jesrs. On a crooked Woman. S H E’s bent like a Nine-pence, and would have been broken, Had not Nature intended the Devil a Token. On another crooked Woman. ATURE in Pity, has deny’d you Shape, Elfe how fhould Mortals Flavia’s Chain efcape ? Your radiant Afpect, and your rofy Bloom, Without this Form, would bring a gen’ral Doom ; At once our Ruin and Relief we fee ; At Sight are Captives, and at Sight are free. TW BO 6 Cs ys ol HT I N Church the Pray’r-Book and the Fan difplay’d, And folemn Curt’fies fhew the wiley Maid ; At Plays, the leering Looks, and wanton Airs, And Nods, and Smiles, are fondly meant for Snares. Alas! vain Charmer,. you no Lovers get ; There you feem Hypocrite, and here Coquet. | To an old Woman who ufed Art. EAVE off thy Paint, Perfumes, and youthful Drefs, And Nature’s Failing honeftly confefs ; Double we fee thofe Faults which Art would mend, Plain downright Uglinefs would lefs offend. On JOE MLE EE Ris’ Tess... 787 Ox an ancient Lady who painted very much. By James Moore SmyvTu, £7; Cees Charms infpire my Lays, Who fair in Nature’s Scorn, Blooms in the Winter of her Days, Like Glaffonbury Thorn. Cofmelia, cruel at Threefcore ; Like Bards in murd’ring Plays, 5 Four Acts of Life pafs guiltleis o’er, But in the Fifth fhe flays. If e’er impatient of the Blifs, Into her Arms [ fall, The plaifter’d Fair returns the Kifs Like Thisbe, thro’ a Wall. Fancy. Re E is now by Fancy led about From Hope to Fear, from Joy to Doubt; Whom we now a Goddefs call, Divinely grac’d in every Feature, Strait’s a deform’d, a perjur’d Creature : Love and Hate are Fancy all. °Tis but as Fancy fhall prefent Objects of Grief, or of Content, That the Lover’s blefs’d or dies : Vifions of mighty Pains, or Pleafure, Imagin’d Want, imagin’d Treafure ; All in powerful Fancy. lies. 188 FOE MI LLER’s Jesrs. A Cafe to the CIVILIANS. OKES went, he thought, to Sz/ess Wife to Bed, Nor knew his own was lain there in her Stead, Civilians, is the Child he then begot, To be allow’d legitimate, or not ? LARINDA, with a haughty Grace, In {cornful Pofture fets her Face, And looks as fhe were born alone To give in Love and take from none. Tho’ J adore to that Degree, Clarinda, I would die fer thee, If you’re too proud to eafe my Pain, I am too proud for your Difdain. Ae EN Months after Florimef happen’d to wed, And was brought in a laudable Manner to Bed, She warbled her Groans with fo charming a Voice, That one half of the Parifh was ftunn’d with the Noife ; But when Florime/ chofe to lye privately in, ‘Twelve Months before fhe and her Spoufe were a-kin, She chofe with fuch Prudence her Pangs to conceal, That her Nurfe, nay, her Midwife, fcarce heard her once {queal. Learn, Husbands, from hence, for the Peace of your Lives, ‘That Maids make not half fuch a Tumult as Wives. E, they fay, has Wit, for what? f \ For Writing '——No, for Writing not. On JOE MILLER’s Jess. 189 Ox the Death of Mary, Counte/s of Pembroke. By BEN FOHNSON. Nderneath this fable Hearfe, Lies the Subje& of all Verfe, Sidney's Sifter, Pembroke’s Mother ; Death, e’er thou haft kill’d another, Fair, and learned, good as fhe, Time fhall throw his Dart at thee. The Real AffiGion. ORIS, a Widow, paft her Prime, Her Spoufe long dead, her Wailing doubles ; Her real Griefs increafe by Time, And what abates, improves her Troubles. Thofe Pangs her prudent Hopes fupprefs’d, Impatient now fhe cannot {mother : How fhould the helplefs Woman reft? One’s gone 3 nor can fhe get another. To a Lady who commended another's Eyes. N vain by Parallels you ftrive, Panthea's Byes to praife ; Perfection, which we can’t conceive, Itfelf alone difplays. Gaze on them only, if you'd know What dazzling Rays they dart; But if what piercing Shafts they throw, Then view my wounded Heart, To 10 JOE MILLER’ Jesrs. To a Jealous Hufband. ELL me, Sileno, why you fill With fancy’d Woes your Life? Why’s all your Time expended ftill, In thinking, or in talking ill, Of your too virtuous Wife ? For, Faith, I can’t fee to what End You keep her up fo clofe; Nor how you could yourfelf offend, ‘That like a Snail, my glooming Friend, You never leave your Houfe. were fhe but advis’d by me, tier many aunts and Scorns, With Invveft fhoald refunded be ; She'd make a perfect Snail of thee, By decking thee with Horns. SR RO AE SASSY 2 ns Ox Matin s. OS T Maids refemble Eve, now in their Lives, Who are no fooner Women, but they’re Wives. > On a'Cucxo.Lp. ORNUT US call'd his Wife both Whore and Slut ; Quoth fhe, you'll never leave your Brawling ; but But what, quoth he Your Poft or Door, For you have Horns to dur, if Iam a Whore. On we JOE MIE E.R’s Jess.) 194 On Gi die Ex. O'. Es Rithee is not Mifs Cd/ce’s a comical Cafe ? She lends out her Tail, and fhe borrows her Face. Mutual 2 O V E. O W faint a Joy the Maid imparts, Reluctant, who refigns her Charms ! She damps the Tranfport of our Hearts, And Beauty of her Force difarms. How great the Pleafure, how refind, And even in Reflection {weet ; When Lovers are but one in Mind, And Souls together feem to meet ! EPITAPH o a Miser. EA DER, beware immoderate Love of Pelf: Here lies the worft of Thieves, who robb'd himlelf. Lady VaINLOVE’s Servants. N their rich Liveries, ftarving, they repine, And with: to fell the Lace, that they may dine. RQMAN ForTITUDE. RUTUS uwnmov'd, heard how his Portia fell ; Should Fack’s Wife die, he would behave as well. Ox m2 JOEMILLER’s Jesrs. Ox @ Phyfician and Parfon Content with Serence in the Vale of Peaces) 9) ./ Calmly he look’d on either Life, and here 9) Saw nothing. to regret, nor there to fears) ; From Nature’s temperate Feaft rofe fatisfy'dy “3 Thank’d Heaven that he nad — and that he aya in sno Ai las + ck A tee ine wee ia Se 6D © ex ei = Ge we } \ | , | }