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THE STORY OF 
 SYLVIE AND BRUNO 
 
MACMILLAN AND CO., Limited 
 
 LONDON • BOMBAY ■ CALCUTTA 
 MADRAS • MELBOURNE 
 
 THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 
 
 NEW YORK • BOSTON • CHICAGO 
 DALLAS • SAN FRANCISCO 
 
 THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA, Ltd. 
 
 TORONTO 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 
 in 2012 with funding from 
 
 University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/storyofsylviebrucarr 
 

 
THE STORY OF 
 SYLVIE AND BRUNO 
 
 BY 
 
 LEWIS CARROLL 
 
 WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY HARRY FURNISS 
 
 MACMILLAN AND CO., LIMITED 
 ST. MARTIN'S STREET, LONDON 
 
 1922 
 
COPYRIGHT 
 
 First Edition, 1904. 
 Reprinted 1910, 1916, 1919, 1922. 
 
 PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN 
 
j 
 
 A 
 
 Cijou oeltnous dFag— 
 Ei}t guardian of a Sprite ttjat Itbes to tease tfjee— 
 Eobtng in earnest, cfjttung out tit plan 
 €i)e mertfi motfchtg ISvuno ! (Mjo, tijat sees tfjee, 
 (tfan fail to lobe tijce, Barling, eben as S ?— 
 Jiil|) stoeetest ionlbte, toe must sajg ' <gooo=ty)e ! ' 
 
PREFACE 
 
 This book, culled from the two volumes of 
 Sylvie and Bruno, contains only the portions 
 about the two fairy children (with the original 
 illustrations) in the words of Lewis Carroll, 
 without any extraneous matter. A few words 
 only have in some places been added or 
 altered, when absolutely necessary to dovetail 
 the different paragraphs together, so as to 
 make the "Story" one consecutive whole. 
 The humour in this book is so unique and 
 fascinating, that The Story of Sylvie and Bruno 
 is likely in this form to become as popular as 
 the Alice books by the same author. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I. THE PROFESSOR I 
 
 II. sylvie's BIRTHDAY 9 
 
 III. ELFLAND 1 7 
 
 IV. THE MAD GARDENER 25 
 
 V. WAYS AND MEANS 30 
 
 VI. THE OTHER PROFESSOR 40 
 
 VII. RULES . c . . 50 
 
 VIII. DOGLAND ... 64 
 
 IX. FAIRIES 76 
 
 x. bruno's revenge 83 
 
 xi. bruno's songs 103 
 
 XII. OUTLAND 117 
 
xii CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 XIII. PHLIZZ I2 4 
 
 XIV. DINDLEDUMS . . . . i^8 
 
 xv. frogs' treat 146 
 
 I 
 
 XVI. LESSONS 168 
 
 XVII. STOP THIEF ! 183 
 
 XVIII. HUSHABY BABY I95 
 
 XIX. MEIN HERR 206 
 
 xx. bruno's picnic 215 
 
 xxi. little foxes 246 
 
 xxii. sylvie's music 255 
 
 XXIII. questions and answers 266 
 
 xxiv. the lecture 280 
 
 xxv. the banquet 291 
 
 xxvi. the pig-tale 301 
 
 XXVII. THE PORCUPINE 318 
 
 XXVIII. AFTERWARDS 323 
 
THE STORY OF 
 
 •s. 
 
 SYLVIE AND BRUNO 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 THE PROFESSOR 
 
 1 HE Warden, a tall dignified man with a 
 grave but very pleasant face, was seated before 
 a writing-table, which was covered with papers, 
 and holding on his knee one of the sweetest and 
 loveliest little maidens it has ever been my lot 
 to see. She looked four or five years older 
 than Bruno, but she had the same rosy cheeks 
 and sparkling eyes, and the same wealth of 
 curly brown hair. Her eager smiling face was 
 turned upwards towards her father's, and it 
 was a pretty sight to see the mutual love with 
 which the two faces — one in the Spring of 
 Life, the other in its late Autumn — were 
 gazing on each other. 
 
 IE B 
 
2 THE PROFESSOR 
 
 "No, you've never seen him," the old man 
 was saying: "you couldn't, you know, he's 
 been away so long — travelling from land to 
 land, and seeking for health, more years than 
 you've been alive, little Sylvie ! " 
 
 Here Bruno climbed upon his other knee, and 
 a good deal of kissing, on a rather complicated 
 system, was the result. 
 
 "He only came back last night," said the 
 Warden, when the kissing was over : " he's 
 been traveling post-haste, for the last thousand 
 miles or so, in order to be here on Sylvie's 
 birthday. But he's a very early riser, and I 
 dare say he's in the Library already. Come 
 with me and see him. He's always kind to 
 children. You'll be sure to like him." 
 
 " Has the Other Professor come too ? " 
 Bruno asked in an awe-struck voice. 
 
 "Yes, they arrived together. The Other 
 Professor is— well, you won't like him quite 
 so much, perhaps. He's a little more dreamy, 
 you know." 
 
 " I wiss Sylvie was a little more dreamy," 
 said Bruno. 
 
 " What do you mean, Bruno ? " said Sylvie. 
 
THE PROFESSOR 3 
 
 Bruno went on addressing his father. " She 
 says she cant, 00 know. But I thinks it isn't 
 cant, it's wont." 
 
 " Says she cant dream ! " the puzzled 
 Warden repeated. 
 
 "She do say it," Bruno persisted. "When 
 I says to her, ' Let's stop lessons ! ', she says, 
 ' Oh, I ca'n't dream of letting 00 stop yet ! ' " 
 
 "He always wants to stop lessons," Sylvie 
 explained, " five minutes after we begin ! " 
 
 " Five minutes' lessons a day," said the 
 Warden. "You won't learn much at that 
 rate, little man ! " 
 
 "That's just what Sylvie says," Bruno re- 
 joined. " She says I wont learn my lessons. 
 And I tells her, over and over, I cant learn 
 'em. And what doos 00 think she says ? She 
 says ' It isn't cant, it's wo'n't/' 
 
 " Let's go and see the Professor," the Warden 
 said, wisely avoiding further discussion. The 
 children got down off his knees, each secured 
 a hand, and the happy trio set off for the 
 Library — followed by me. I had come to the 
 conclusion by this time that none of the party 
 was in the least able to see me. 
 
 B 2 
 
THE PROFESSOR 
 
 " What's the matter with him ? " Sylvie asked, 
 walking with a little extra sedateness, by way 
 of example to Bruno at the other side, who 
 never ceased jumping up and down. 
 
 " What was the matter — but I hope he's all 
 right now — was lumbago, and rheumatism, and 
 that kind of thing. He's been curing himself, 
 you know : he's a very learned doctor. Why, 
 
THE PROFESSOR 5 
 
 he's actually invented three new diseases, be- 
 sides a new way of breaking your collar-bone ! " 
 
 " Is it a nice way ? " said Bruno. 
 
 "Well, hum, not very" the Warden said, as 
 we entered the Library. " And here is the 
 Professor. Good morning, Professor ! Hope 
 you're quite rested after your journey ! " 
 
 A jolly-looking, fat little man, in a flowery 
 dressing-gown, with a large book under each 
 arm, came trotting in at the other end of the 
 room, and was going straight across without 
 taking any notice of the children. " I'm look- 
 ing for Vol. Three," he said. " Do you happen 
 to have seen it ? " 
 
 " You don't see my children, Professor ! " the 
 Warden exclaimed, taking him by the shoulders 
 and turning him round to face them. 
 
 The Professor laughed violently : then he 
 gazed at them through his great spectacles, for 
 a minute or two, without speaking. 
 
 At last he addressed Bruno. " I hope you 
 have had a good night, my child ? " 
 
 Bruno looked puzzled. " I's had the same 
 night odve had," he replied. "There's only 
 been one night since yesterday ! " 
 
6 THE PROFESSOR 
 
 It was the Professor's turn to look puzzled 
 now. He took off his spectacles, and rubbed 
 them with his handkerchief. Then he razed at 
 them again. Then he turned to the Warden. 
 "Are they bound?" he enquired. 
 
 "No, we aren't," said Bruno, who thought 
 himself quite able to answer this question. 
 
 The Professor shook his head sadly. " Not 
 even half-bound ? " 
 
 " Why would we be half-bound ? " said Bruno. 
 " We're not prisoners ! " 
 
 But the Professor had forgotten all about 
 them by this time, and was speaking to the 
 Warden again. "You'll be glad to hear," he 
 was saying, " that the Barometer's beginning 
 to move " 
 
 " Well, which wav ? " said the Warden — 
 adding to the children, "Not that / care, you 
 know. Only he thinks it affects the weather. 
 He's a wonderfully clever man, you know. 
 Sometimes he says things that only the Other 
 Professor can understand. Sometimes he says 
 things that nobody can understand ! Which 
 way is it, Professor ? Up or down ? " 
 
 "Neither!" said the Professor, gently clap- 
 
THE PROFESSOR 7 
 
 ping his hands. "It's going sideways — if I 
 may so express myself." 
 
 "And what kind of weather does that pro- 
 duce ? " said the Warden. " Listen, children ! 
 Now you'll hear something worth knowing ! " 
 
 " Horizontal weather," said the Professor, 
 and made straight for the door, very nearly 
 trampling on Bruno, who had only just time to 
 get out of his way. 
 
 " I snt he learned ? " the Warden said, look- 
 ing after him with admiring eyes- " Positively 
 he runs over with learning ! " 
 
 " But he needn't run over me ! " said Bruno. 
 
 The Professor was back in a moment : he 
 had changed his dressing-gown for a frock-coat, 
 and had put on a pair of very strange-looking 
 boots, the tops of which were open umbrellas. 
 " I thought you'd like to see them," he said. 
 " These are the boots for horizontal weather ! " 
 
 " But what's the use of wearing umbrellas 
 round one's knees ? " 
 
 "In ordinary rain," the Professor admitted, 
 "they would not be of much use. But if ever 
 it rained horizontally, you know, they would 
 be invaluable — simply invaluable ! " 
 
THE PROFESSOR 
 
 " Take the Professor to the breakfast-saloon, 
 children," said the Warden. " And tell them 
 not to wait for me. I had breakfast early, as 
 
 I've some business to attend to." The children 
 seized the Professor's hands, as familiarly as if 
 they had known him for years, and hurried him 
 away. J followed respectfully behind. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 SYLVIE S BIRTHDAY 
 
 As we entered the breakfast- saloon, the Pro- 
 fessor was saying " — and he had breakfast by 
 himself, early : so he begged you wouldn't wait 
 for him, my Lady." 
 
 " Then there's no use waiting ! " said my 
 Lady. " Let's sit down. Uggug, my pet, 
 come and sit by me ! " 
 
 "Anywhere but by me ! " growled the Sub- 
 Warden. "The little wretch always manages 
 to upset his coffee ! " 
 
 I guessed at once (as perhaps the reader will 
 also have guessed, if, like myself, he is very 
 clever at drawing conclusions) that my Lady 
 was the Sub-Warden's wife, and that Uggug 
 
io SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY 
 
 (a hideous fat boy, about the same age as 
 Sylvie, with the expression of a prize-pig) was 
 their son. Sylvie and Bruno, with the Lord 
 Chancellor, made up a party of seven. 
 
 " Excuse me a moment," said the Professor. 
 " As this is Lady Sylvie's birthday, I would 
 like to " and he rushed away. 
 
 Bruno began feeling in his pockets, looking 
 more and more melancholy as he did so : then 
 he put his thumb in his mouth, and considered 
 for a minute : then he quietly left the room. 
 
 He had hardly done so before the Professor 
 was back again, quite out of breath. " Wishing 
 you many happy returns of the day, my dear 
 child ! " he went on, addressing the smiling 
 little girl, who had run to meet him. " Allow 
 me to give you a birthday-present. It's a 
 second-hand pincushion, my dear. And it only 
 cost fourpence-halfpenny ! " 
 
 "Thank you, it's very pretty!" And Sylvie 
 rewarded the old man with a hearty kiss. 
 
 "And the pins they gave me for nothing! " 
 the Professor added in hio-h gdee. " Fifteen of 
 'em, and only one bent ! " 
 
 "I'll make the bent one into a hook!" said 
 
SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY u 
 
 Sylvie. " To catch Bruno with, when he runs 
 away from his lessons ! " 
 
 " You ca'n't guess what my present is ! " said 
 Uggug, who had taken the butter-dish from 
 the table, and was standing behind her, with a 
 wicked leer on his face. 
 
 "No, I ca'n't guess," Sylvie said without 
 looking up, She was still examining the Pro- 
 fessor's pincushion. 
 
 " It's this I " cried the bad boy, exultingly, as 
 he emptied the dish over her, and then, with 
 a grin of delight at his own cleverness, looked 
 round for applause. 
 
 Sylvie coloured crimson, as she shook off the 
 butter from her frock : but she kept her lips 
 tight shut, and walked away to the window, 
 where she stood looking out and trying to 
 recover her temper. 
 
 Uggug's triumph was a very short one : the 
 Sub-Warden had returned, just in time to be 
 a witness of his dear child's playfulness, and 
 in another moment a skilfully-applied box on 
 the ear had changed the orin of delight into a 
 howl of pain. 
 
 At this moment Bruno re-entered the room, 
 
12 SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY 
 
 and passing Uggug (who was blubbering his 
 loudest, in the hope of attracting notice) as if 
 he was quite used to that sort of thing, he ran 
 up to Sylvie and threw his arms round her. 
 " I went to my toy-cupboard," he said with 
 a very sorrowful face, " to see if there were 
 somefin fit for a present for oo ! And there 
 isn't nufjin ! They's all broken, every one ! 
 And I haven't got no money left, to buy oo 
 a birthday-present ! And I ca'n't give oo 
 nuffinbut this ! " (" This " was a very earnest 
 hug and a kiss.) 
 
 " Oh, thank you, darling ! " cried Sylvie. " 1 
 like your present best of all!" (But if so, 
 why did she give it back so quickly ?) 
 
 His Sub-Excellency turned and patted the 
 two children on the head with his lon^ lean 
 hands. " Go away, dears ! " he said. " There's 
 business to talk over." 
 
 Sylvie and Bruno went away hand in hand ; 
 but, on reaching the door, Sylvie came back 
 again and went up to Uggug timidly. " I don't 
 mind about the butter," she said, "and I — I'm 
 sorry he hurt you ! " And she tried to shake 
 hands with the little ruffian : but Uggug only 
 
SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY 13 
 
 blubbered louder, and wouldn't make friends. 
 Sylvie left the room with a sigh. 
 
 The Sub-Warden glared angrily at his weep- 
 ing son. " Leave the room, Sirrah ! " he said. 
 The door opened, and Sylvie and Bruno came 
 in, with their arms twined lovingly round 
 each other—Bruno sobbing convulsively, with 
 his face hidden on his sister's shoulder, and 
 Sylvie more grave and quiet, but with tears 
 streaming down her cheeks. 
 
 " Mustn't cry like that ! " the Vice-Warden 
 said sharply, but without any effect on the 
 weeping children. " Cheer 'em up a bit ! " he 
 hinted to my Lady. 
 
 "Cake/" my lady muttered to herself with 
 great decision, crossing the room and opening a 
 cupboard, from which she presently returned 
 with two slices of plum cake. " Eat, and don't 
 cry ! " were her short and simple orders : and 
 the poor children sat down side by side, but 
 seemed in no mood for eating". 
 
 For the second time the door opened — or 
 rather was burst open, this time, as Uggug 
 rushed violently into the room, shouting " that 
 old Bexar's come again ! " 
 
 00 o 
 
14 
 
 SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY 
 
 " He's not 
 to have any 
 
 food " the 
 
 Vice - Warden 
 \J was begin- 
 ning, but the 
 Chancellor in- 
 terrupted him. 
 "It's all right," 
 he said, in a low 
 voice : " the ser- 
 vants have their 
 orders." 
 " He's just under here," 
 said Uggug, who had 
 gone to the window, and 
 was looking down into 
 the court-yard. 
 
 " Where, my darling?" 
 said his fond mother, 
 flinging her arms 
 round the neck of 
 the little mon- 
 ster. All of us 
 (except Sylvie and 
 
SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY 15 
 
 Bruno, who took no notice of what was going on) 
 followed her to the window. The old Beggar 
 looked up at us with hungry eyes. " Only a 
 crust of bread, your Highness!" he pleaded. 
 He was a fine old man, but looked sadly ill and 
 worn. " A crust of bread is what I crave ! " 
 he repeated. "A single crust, and a little 
 water ! " 
 
 " Here's some water, drink this ! " Uggug 
 bellowed, emptying a jug of water over his 
 head. 
 
 " Well done, my boy ! " cried the Vice- 
 Warden. " That's the way to settle such folk ! " 
 
 " Clever boy ! " the Wardeness chimed in. 
 " Hasrit he good spirits ? " 
 
 "Take a stick to him!" shouted the Vice- 
 Warden, as the old Beggar shook the water 
 from his ragged cloak, and again gazed meekly 
 upwards. 
 
 " Take a red-hot poker to him ! " my Lady 
 again chimed in. 
 
 Possibly there was no red-hot poker handy : 
 but some sticks were forthcoming in a moment, 
 and threatening faces surrounded the poor old 
 wanderer, who waved them back with quiet 
 
16 SYLVIE'S BIRTHDAY 
 
 dignity. " No need to break my old bones," 
 he said. " I am Groins. Not even a crust ! " 
 
 " Foor, poor old man ! " exclaimed a little voice 
 at my side, half choked with sobs. Bruno was 
 at the window, trying to throw out his slice of 
 plum-cake, but Sylvie held him back. 
 
 "He shall have my cake ! " Bruno cried, pas- 
 sionately struggling" out of Sylvie's arms. 
 
 " Yes, yes, darling ! " Sylvie gently pleaded. 
 "But don't throw it out! He's gone away, 
 don't you see ? Let's go after him." And she 
 led him out of the room, unnoticed by the rest 
 of the party, who were wholly absorbed in 
 watchincr the old Beggar. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 ELFLAND 
 
 Then suddenly there sounded 
 
 " He thought he saw an Elephant, 
 
 That practised on a fife : 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 
 A letter from his wife. 
 'At length I realise' he said, 
 
 ' The bitterness of Life ! ' " 
 
 What a wild being it was who sang these 
 wild words ! A Gardener he seemed to be — yet 
 surely a mad one, by the way he brandished his 
 rake — madder, by the way he broke, ever and 
 anon, into a frantic jig — maddest of all, by the 
 
 c 
 
1 8 
 
 ELFLAND 
 
 shriek in which he brought out the last words 
 
 of the stanza ! 
 
 It was so far a description of himself that he 
 
 had the feet of an Elephant : but the rest of him 
 
 was skin and bone : 
 and the wisps of loose 
 straw, that bristled 
 all about him, su£- 
 gested that he had 
 been originally stuff- 
 ed with it, and that 
 nearly all the stuff- 
 ing had come out. 
 
 Sylvie and Bruno 
 waited patiently till 
 the end of the first 
 verse. Then Syl- 
 vie advanced alone 
 
 (Bruno having suddenly turned shy) and timidly 
 
 introduced herself with the words " Please, I'm 
 
 Sylvie ! " 
 
 "And who's that other thing?" said the 
 
 Gardener. 
 
 "What thing?" said Sylvie, looking round. 
 
 "Oh, that's Bruno. He's my brother." 
 
ELFLAND 19 
 
 " Was he your brother yesterday ? " the 
 Gardener anxiously enquired. 
 
 " Course I were ! " cried Bruno, who had 
 gradually crept nearer, and didn't at all like 
 being - talked about without having his share 
 in the conversation. 
 
 " Ah, well I" the Gardener said with a kind 
 of groan. " Things change so, here. When- 
 ever I look again, it's sure to be something 
 different ! Yet I does my duty ! I gets up 
 wriggle-early at five " 
 
 " If I was 00," said Bruno, " I wouldn't 
 wriggle so early. It's as bad as being a 
 worm ! " he added, in an undertone to Sylvie. 
 
 " But you shouldn't be lazy in the morning, 
 Bruno," said Sylvie. " Remember, it's the 
 early bird that picks up the worm ! " 
 
 " It may, if it likes!" Bruno said with a 
 slight yawn. " I don't like eating worms, one 
 bit. I always stop in bed till the early bird 
 has picked them up ! " 
 
 " I wonder you've the face to tell me such 
 fibs ! " cried the Gardener. 
 
 To which Bruno wisely replied, " Oo don't 
 want a face to tell fibs wiz — only a mouf? 
 
 c 2 
 
20 ELFLAND 
 
 Sylvie discreetly changed the subject. "And 
 did you plant all these flowers ? " she said. 
 " What a lovely garden you've made ! Do you 
 know, I'd like to live here always!" 
 
 "In the winter-nights " the Gardener was 
 
 beofinninQf. 
 
 " But I'd nearly forgotten what we came 
 about!" Sylvie interrupted. "Would you 
 please let us through into the road ? There's 
 a poor old beggar just gone out — and he's 
 very hungry — and Bruno wants to give him 
 his cake, you know ! " 
 
 "It's as much as my place is worth!" the 
 Gardener muttered, taking a key from his 
 pocket, and beginning to unlock a door in the 
 garden-wall. 
 
 " How much are it wurf ? " Bruno innocently 
 enquired. 
 
 But the Gardener only grinned. " That's a 
 secret!" he said. "Mind you come back 
 quick ! " he called after the children, as they 
 passed out into the road. I had just time to 
 follow them, before he shut the door again. 
 
 We lurried down the road, and very soon 
 caught sight of the old Beggar, about a 
 
ELFLAND 21 
 
 quarter of a mile ahead of us, and the children 
 at once set off running to overtake him. 
 Lightly and swiftly they skimmed over the 
 ground, and I could not in the least understand 
 how it was I kept up with them so easily. 
 
 The old Beggar must have been very deaf, as 
 he paid no attention whatever to Bruno's eager 
 shouting, but trudged wearily on, never pausing 
 until the child got in front of him and held up 
 the slice of cake. The poor little fellow was 
 quite out of breath, and could only utter the one 
 word " Cake ! " — not with the gloomy decision 
 with which Her Excellency had so lately pro- 
 nounced it, but with a sweet childish timidity. 
 
 The old man snatched it from him, and de- 
 voured it greedily, as some hungry wild beast 
 might have done, but never a word of thanks 
 did he give his little benefactor — only growled 
 " More, more ! " and glared at the half- frightened 
 children. 
 
 " There is no more ! " Sylvie said with tears 
 in her eyes. " I'd eaten mine. It was a shame 
 to let you be turned away like that.' I'm very 
 sorry — — -" 
 
 I lost the rest of the sentence. 
 
22 ELFLAND 
 
 " Follow me ! " were the next words I heard, 
 as the old man waved his hand, with a dignified 
 grace that ill suited his ragged dress, over a bush 
 that stood by the road side, which began in- 
 stantly to sink into the earth. 
 
 When the bush had sunk quite out of our 
 sight, marble steps were seen, leading down- 
 wards into darkness. The old man led the way, 
 and we eagerly followed. 
 
 " We are safe here, my darlings ! " said the 
 old man, laying a hand on Sylvie's shoulder, and 
 bending down to kiss her. Sylvie drew back 
 hastily, with an offended air : but in another 
 moment, with a glad cry of " Why, it's Father ! ", 
 she had run into his arms. 
 
 " Father ! Father ! " Bruno repeated : and, 
 while the happy children were being hugged 
 and kissed, I could but rub my eyes and say, 
 " W T here, then, are the rags gone to?"; for 
 the old man was now dressed in royal robes 
 that glittered with jewels and gold embroid- 
 ery, and wore a circlet of gold around his 
 head. 
 
 "Where are we, father?" Sylvie whispered, 
 with her arms twined closely around the old 
 
ELFLAND 23 
 
 man's neck, and with her rosy cheek lovingly 
 pressed to his. 
 
 " In Elfland, darling. It's one of the provinces 
 of Fairyland." 
 
 " But I thought Elfland was ever so far 
 from Outland : and we've come such a tiny 
 little way ! " 
 
 " You came by the Royal Road, sweet one. 
 Only those of royal blood can travel along it: 
 but you've been royal ever since I was made 
 King of Elfland — that's nearly a month ago. 
 They sent two ambassadors, to make sure 
 that their invitation to me, to be their new 
 King, should reach me. One was a Prince ; 
 so he was able to come by the Royal Road, 
 and to come invisibly to all but me : the other 
 was a Baron ; so he had to come by the 
 common road, and I dare say he hasn't even 
 arrived yet." 
 
 " Then how far have we come ? " Sylvie en- 
 quired. 
 
 "Just a thousand miles, sweet one, since the 
 Gardener unlocked that door for you." 
 
 " A thousand miles ! " Bruno repeated. 
 " And may I eat one ? " 
 
24 ELFLAND 
 
 " Eat a mile, little rogue ? " 
 
 "No," said Bruno. " I mean may I eat one 
 of that fruits ? " 
 
 "Yes, child," said his father. 
 
 Bruno ran eagerly to the wall, and picked a 
 fruit that was shaped something like a banana, 
 but had the colour of a strawberry. 
 
 He ate it with beaming looks, that became 
 gradually more gloomy, and were very blank 
 indeed by the time he had finished. 
 
 "It. hasn't got no taste at all ! " he complained. 
 
 " I couldn't feel nuffin in my mouf ! It's a — 
 what's that hard word, Sylvie ? " 
 
 "It was a Pklizz" Sylvie gravely replied. 
 " Are they all like that, father ? " 
 
 " They're all like that to you, darling, because 
 you don't belong to Elfland — yet. But to vie 
 thev are real." 
 
 Bruno looked puzzled. " I'll try anuvver 
 kind of fruits ! " he said, and jumped down off 
 the King's knee. " There's some lovely striped 
 ones, just like a rainbow ! " And off he ran. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 THE MAD GARDENER 
 
 And then, suddenly and swiftly, the 
 darkness of midnight seemed to close in upon 
 us, and through the darkness harshly rang a 
 
 strange wild song 
 
 " He thought he saw a Buffalo 
 Upon the chimney-piece : 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 His Sister's Husband' s Niece. 
 
26 THE MAD GARDENER 
 
 ' Unless you leave this house' he said, 
 ' I'll send for the Police !"' 
 
 " That was me ! " he added, looking out at 
 us, through the half-opened door, as we stood 
 waiting in the road. " And that's what I'd 
 have done — as sure as potatoes aren't radishes 
 — if she hadn't have tooken herself off ! But 
 I always loves my pay-rints like anything." 
 
 " Who are oor pay '-rints ? " said Bruno. 
 
 " Them as pay rint for me, a course ! " the 
 Gardener replied. "You can come in now, if 
 you like." 
 
 He flung the door open as he spoke, and we 
 went in. 
 
 It seemed natural enough that the Gardener 
 should be filled with exuberant delight at the 
 return of so gracious a master and mistress — 
 less natural that he should show it by such wild 
 dances, such crazy songs ! 
 
 " He thougJit he saw a Rattlesnake 
 That questioned him in Greek : 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 The Middle of Next Week. 
 
 ' The one thing I regret' lie said, 
 1 Is that it cannot speak!" 
 
THE MAD GARDENER 27 
 
 And once more those shrill discordant tones 
 rang out : — - 
 
 "He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk 
 Descending from the bits : 
 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 
 A Hippopotamus : 
 ' If this should stay to dine,' he said, 
 
 ' There wont be much for us ! ' " 
 
28 THE MAD GARDENER 
 
 Throwing away the spade, he broke into a 
 frantic jig, snapping his fingers, and repeating, 
 again and again, 
 
 " There wont be much for us ! 
 There won't be much for its ! " 
 
 The silence that followed was broken by the 
 sweet voice of Sylvie. "Would you please let 
 us out into the road ? " 
 
 " What ! After that old be^sfar a^ain ? " the 
 Gardener yelled, and began singing : — 
 
 He thought he saw a Kangaroo 
 That worked a coffee-mill: 
 
THE MAD GARDENER 29 
 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 
 A Vegetable-Pill. 
 ' Were I to swallow this,' he said, 
 
 1 1 should be very ill ! ' " 
 
 "We don't want him to swallow anything" 
 Sylvie explained. " He's not hungry. But 
 we want to see him. So will you please — • — ■ " 
 
 " Certainly ! " the Gardener promptly replied. 
 " I always please. Never displeases nobody. 
 There you are ! " And he flung the door open, 
 and let us out upon the dusty high-road. 
 
CH APTE R V 
 
 WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 We soon found our way to the bush, which 
 had so mysteriously sunk into the ground : and 
 here Sylvie drew a Magic Locket from its 
 hiding-place, turned it over with a thoughtful 
 air, and at last appealed to Bruno in a rather 
 helpless way. " What was it we had to do 
 with it, Bruno ? It's all gone out of my 
 head ! " 
 
 " Kiss it ! " was Bruno's invariable recioe in 
 cases of doubt and difficulty. Sylvie kissed it, 
 but no result followed. 
 
 " Rub it the wrong way," was Bruno's next 
 
 suo-o-estion. 
 
 " Which is the wrong way ? " Sylvie most 
 
WAYS AND MEANS 31 
 
 reasonably enquired. The obvious plan was to 
 try both ways. 
 
 Rubbing from left to right had no visible 
 effect whatever. 
 
 From right to left — " Oh, stop, Sylvie ! " 
 Bruno cried in sudden alarm. " Whatever is 
 going to happen ? " 
 
 For a number of trees, on the neighbouring 
 hillside, were moving slowly upwards, in solemn 
 procession : while a mild little brook, that had 
 been rippling at our feet a moment before, 
 began to swell, and foam, and hiss, and bubble, 
 in a truly alarming fashion. 
 
 "Rub it some other way!" cried Bruno. 
 " Try up-and-down ! Quick ! " 
 
 It was a happy thought. Up-and-down did 
 it : and the landscape, which had been showing 
 signs of mental aberration in various directions, 
 returned to its normal condition of sobriety — 
 with the exception of a small yellowish-brown 
 mouse, which continued to run wildly up and 
 down the road, lashing its tail like a little lion. 
 
 " Let's follow it," said Sylvie : and this also 
 turned out a happy thought. The mouse at 
 once settled down into a business-like jog-trot, 
 
32 WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 with which we could easily keep pace. The 
 only phenomenon, that gave me any uneasiness, 
 was the rapid increase in the size of the little 
 creature we were following, which became every 
 moment more and more like a real lion. 
 
 Soon the transformation was complete : and 
 a noble lion stood patiently waiting for us to 
 come up with it. No thought of fear seemed to 
 occur to the children, who patted and stroked 
 it as if it had been a Shetland-pony. 
 
 " Help me up ! " cried Bruno. And in another 
 moment Sylvie had lifted him upon the broad 
 back of the gentle beast, and seated herself 
 behind him, pillion-fashion. Bruno took a good 
 handful of mane in each hand, and made believe 
 to guide this new kind of steed. " Gee-up ! " 
 seemed quite sufficient by way of verbal direc- 
 tion : the lion at once broke into an easv canter, 
 and we soon found ourselves in the depths of 
 the forest. Sylvie and Bruno at the same mo- 
 ment dismounting. 
 
 Yes, we were in the garden once more : and 
 to escape that horrid discordant voice, we 
 hurried indoors, and found ourselves in the 
 library — Uggug blubbering, the Professor stand- 
 
WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 33 
 
 D 
 
34 WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 ing by with a bewildered air, and my Lady, 
 with her arms clasped round her son's neck, 
 repeating, over and over again, " and did they 
 give him nasty lessons to learn ? My own 
 pretty pet ! " 
 
 "What's all this noise about?" the Vice- 
 Warden angrily enquired, as he strode into the 
 room. "And who put the hat-stand here?" 
 And he hung his hat up on Bruno, who was 
 standing in the middle of the room, too much 
 astonished by the sudden change of scene to 
 make any attempt at removing it, though it 
 came down to his shoulders, making him look 
 something like a small candle with a large ex- 
 tinguisher over it. 
 
 Having released himself from his extinguisher, 
 Bruno rushed headlong out of the room, followed 
 by Sylvie. 
 
 " We must go to Father ! " Sylvie panted, as 
 they ran down the garden. " I'm sure things 
 are at their worst! I'll ask the Gardener to 
 let us out again. " 
 
 " But we ca'n't walk all the way ! " Bruno 
 whimpered. " How I wiss we had a coach- 
 and-four, like Uncle ! " 
 
WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 35 
 
 And, shrill and wild, rang through the air the 
 familiar voice : — 
 
 " He thought he saw a Coacli-and-Four 
 
 Tliat stood beside his bed : 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 
 A Bear without a Head. 
 ' Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing ! 
 
 Its waiting to be fed!'" 
 
 " No, I ca'n't let you out again ! " he said, 
 before the children could speak. "The Vice- 
 Warden gave it me, he did, for letting you out 
 last time ! So be off with you ! " And, turning 
 
 D 2 
 
36 WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 away from them, he began digging frantically 
 in the middle of a gravel-walk, singing, over 
 and over again, 
 
 " ' Poor tiling", he said, ' poor silly thing ! 
 Ifs waiting to be fed ! ' " 
 
 but in a more musical tone than the shrill screech 
 in which he had begun. 
 
 " We were looking for you ! " cried Sylvie, 
 to the Professor. "We do want you so much, 
 you ca'n't think ! " 
 
 "What is it, dear children?" the Professor 
 asked, beaming on them with a very different 
 look from what Usfgfugf ever gfot from him. 
 
 " We want you to speak to the Gardener 
 for us," Sylvie said, as she and Bruno took 
 
 the old man's hands and led him into the 
 hall. 
 
 " He's ever so unkind ! " Bruno mournfully 
 added. " They's all unkind to us, now that 
 Father's gone. The Lion were much nicer! " 
 
 " But you must explain to me, please," the 
 Professor said with an anxious look, " which 
 is the Lion, and which is the Gardener. It's 
 most important not to get two such animals 
 
WAYS AND MEANS 37 
 
 confused together. And one's very liable to 
 do it in their case — both having mouths, you 
 know " 
 
 " Doos 00 always confuses two animals to- 
 gether ? " Bruno asked. 
 
 " Pretty often, I'm afraid," the Professor can- 
 didly confessed. " Now, for instance, there's 
 the rabbit-hutch and the hall-clock." The Pro- 
 fessor pointed them out. " One gets a little 
 confused with them — both having doors, you 
 know. Now, only yesterday — would you be- 
 lieve it ? — I put some lettuces into the clock, 
 and tried to wind up the rabbit ! " 
 
 " Did the rabbit go, after 00 wounded it up ? " 
 said Bruno. 
 
 The Professor clasped his hands on the top 
 of his head, and groaned. "Go? I should 
 think it did go ! Why, it's gone ! And where 
 ever its gone to — -that's what I cant find out ! 
 I've done my best — I've read all the arti- 
 cle ' Rabbit ' in the great dictionary — Come 
 in!" 
 
 "Only the tailor, Sir, with your little bill," 
 said a meek voice outside the door. 
 
 "Ah, well, I can soon settle his business," 
 
38 WAYS AND MEANS 
 
 the Professor said to the children, " if you'll 
 just wait a minute. How much is it, this year, 
 my man ? " The tailor had come in while he 
 was speaking. 
 
 "Well, it's been a doubling so many years, 
 you see," the tailor replied, a little gruffly, "and 
 I think I'd like the money now. It's two 
 thousand pound, it is ! " 
 
 "Oh, that's nothing!" the Professor care- 
 lessly remarked, feeling in his pocket, as if he 
 always carried at least that amount about with 
 him. " But wouldn't you like to wait just 
 another year, and make it four thousand ? 
 Just think how rich you'd be ! Why, you 
 might be a King, if you liked ! " 
 
 " I don't know as I'd care about being a 
 King" the man said thoughtfully. " But it 
 dew sound a powerful sight o' money ! Well, 
 I think I'll wait " 
 
 " Of course you will ! " said the Professor. 
 "There's good sense m you, I see. Good-day 
 to you, my man ! " 
 
 " Will you ever have to pay him that four 
 thousand pounds ? " Sylvie asked as the door 
 closed on the departing creditor. 
 
WAYS AND MEANS 39 
 
 " Never, my child ! " the Professor replied 
 emphatically. " He'll go on doubling it, till 
 he dies. You see it's always worth while 
 waiting another year, to get twice as much 
 money ! " 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 THE OTHER PROFESSOR 
 
 " And now what would you like to do, 
 my little friends ? Shall I take you to see 
 the Other Professor ? This would be an ex- 
 cellent opportunity for a visit," he said to him- 
 self, glancing at his watch : " he generally takes 
 a short rest — of fourteen minutes and a half — 
 about this time." 
 
 Bruno hastily went round . to Sylvie, who 
 was standing - at the other side of the Professor, 
 and put his hand into hers. " I thinks we'd 
 like to go," he said doubtfully: "only please 
 let's gfo all together. It's best to be on the 
 safe side, oo know ! " 
 
THE OTHER PROFESSOR 41 
 
 "Why, you talk as if you were Sylvie/" 
 exclaimed the Professor. 
 
 " I know I did," Bruno replied very humbly. 
 " I quite forgotted I wasn't Sylvie. Only I 
 fought he might be rarver fierce ! " 
 
 The Professor laughed a jolly laugh. " Oh, 
 he's quite tame !" he said. "He never bites. 
 He's only a little — a little dreamy, you know." 
 He took hold of Bruno's other hand, and led 
 the children down a long passage I had never 
 noticed before — not that there was anything 
 remarkable in that : I was constantly coming 
 on new rooms and passages in that mysterious 
 Palace, and very seldom succeeded in finding 
 the old ones again. 
 
 Near the end of the passage the Professor 
 stopped. " This is his room," he said, pointing 
 to the solid wall. 
 
 " We can't Pfet in through there ! " Bruno 
 exclaimed. 
 
 Sylvie said nothing, till she had carefully 
 examined whether the wall opened anywhere. 
 Then she laughed merrily. "You're playing 
 us a trick, you dear old thing ! " she said. 
 " There's no door here ! " 
 
42 THE OTHER PROFESSOR 
 
 "There isn't any door to the room," said the 
 Professor. " We shall have to climb in at the 
 window." 
 
 So we went into the o-arden, and soon 
 found the window of the Other Professor's 
 room. It was a ground-floor window, and 
 stood invitingly open : the Professor first lifted 
 the two children in, and then he and I climbed 
 in after them. 
 
 The Other Professor was seated at a table, 
 with a large book open before him, on which 
 his forehead was resting : he had clasped his 
 arms round the book, and was snoring heavily. 
 "He usually reads like that," the Professor 
 remarked, "when the book's very interesting : 
 and then sometimes it's very difficult to get 
 him to attend ! " 
 
 This seemed to be one of the difficult times : 
 the Professor lifted him up, once or twice, and 
 shook him violently : but he always returned 
 to his book the moment he was let go of, and 
 showed by his heavy breathing that the book 
 was as interesting as ever. 
 
 "How dreamy he is!" the Professor ex- 
 claimed. "He must have got to a very 
 
THE OTHER PROFESSOR 
 
 43 
 
44 THE OTHER PROFESSOR 
 
 interesting part of the book ! " And he rained 
 • quite a shower of thumps on the Other Pro- 
 fessor's back, shouting", " Hoy ! Hoy ! " all the 
 time. " Isn't it wonderful that he should be 
 so dreamy ? " he said to Bruno. 
 
 "If he's always as sleepy as that," Bruno 
 remarked, " a course he's dreamy ! " 
 
 "But what are we to do?" said the Pro- 
 fessor. " You see he's quite wrapped up in 
 the book ! " 
 
 " Suppose oo shuts the book ? " Bruno sug- 
 gested. 
 
 "That's it! cried the delighted Professor. 
 " Of course that'll do it ! " And he shut up the 
 book so quickly that he caught the Other Pro- 
 fessor's nose between the leaves, and gave it a 
 severe pinch. 
 
 The other Professor instantly rose to his 
 feet, and carried the book away to the end of 
 the room, where he put it back in its place in 
 the book-case. " I've been reading for eighteen 
 hours and three-quarters," he said, "and now 
 I shall rest for fourteen minutes and a half." 
 
 "And as to the 'Pig-Tale' — which you 
 have so kindly promised to give us — " the 
 
THE OTHER PROFESSOR 45 
 
 Professor said, thoughtfully rubbing his chin. 
 " I think that had better come at the end of the 
 Banquet : then people can listen to it quietly." 
 
 "Shall I sing it?" the Other Professor 
 asked, with a smile of delight 
 
 "If you can" the Professor replied cautiously. 
 
 " Let me try," said the Other Professor, 
 seating himself at the pianoforte. " For the 
 sake of argument, let us assume that it begins 
 on A flat." And he struck the note in question. 
 " La, la, la! I think that's within an octave of 
 it." He struck the note again, and appealed to 
 Bruno, who was standing at his side. " Did I 
 sing it like that, my child ? " 
 
 " No, 00 didn't," Bruno replied with great 
 decision. "It were more like a duck." 
 
 " Single notes are apt to have that effect," 
 the Other Professor said with a sioh. " Let 
 me try a whole verse. 
 
 TJiere ivas a Pig, that sat alone, 
 
 Beside a ruined Pump. 
 By day and night he made his moan : 
 It woutd have stirred a heart of stone 
 To see him wring his hoofs and groan, 
 
 Because he could not jump. 
 
46 THE OTHER PROFESSOR 
 
 Would you call that a tune, Professor ? " he 
 asked, when he had finished. 
 
 The Professor considered a little. " Well/' 
 he said at last, " some of the notes are the 
 same as others — and some are different — 
 but I should hardly call it a tuner 
 
 " Let me try it a bit by myself," said the 
 Other Professor. And he beo-an touching the 
 notes here and there, and humming to himself 
 like an angry bluebottle. 
 
 "How do you like his singing?" the Pro- 
 fessor asked the children in a low voice. 
 
 "It isn't very beautiful" Sylvie said, 
 hesitatingly. 
 
 "It's very extremely ugly ! '" Bruno said, 
 without any hesitation at all. 
 
 "All extremes are bad," the Professor said, 
 very gravely. " For instance, Sobriety is a 
 very good thing, when practised in moderation : 
 but even Sobriety, when carried to an extreme^ 
 has its disadvantages. - ' 
 
 "What are its disadvantages?" was the 
 question that rose in my mind — and, as usual, 
 Bruno asked it for me. " What are its lizard 
 bandages ? " 
 
THE OTHER PROFESSOR 47 
 
 " Well, this is one of them," said the Pro- 
 fessor. " When a man's tipsy (that's one ex- 
 treme, you know), he sees one thing as two. 
 But, when he's extremely sober (that's the other 
 extreme), he sees two things as one. It's 
 equally inconvenient, whichever happens." 
 
 " What does ' illconvenient ' mean ? " Bruno 
 whispered to Sylvie. 
 
 " The difference between ' convenient ' and 
 ' inconvenient ' is best explained by an ex- 
 ample," said the Other Professor, who had 
 overheard the question. " If you'll just think 
 over any poem that contains the two words — 
 such as " 
 
 The Professor put his hands over his ears, 
 with a look of dismay. " If you once let him 
 begin a Poem" he said to Sylvie, "he'll never 
 leave off again ! He never does ! " 
 
 " Did he ever begin a Poem and not leave 
 off again ? " Sylvie enquired. 
 
 " Three times," said the Professor. 
 
 Bruno raised himself on tiptoe, till his lips 
 were on a level with Sylvie's ear. " What 
 became of the three Poems ? " he whispered. 
 " Is he saying them all, now ? " 
 
48- THE OTHER PROFESSOR 
 
 " Hush ! " said Sylvie. " The Other Professor 
 is speaking ! " 
 
 " I'll say it very quick," murmured the Other 
 Professor, with downcast eyes, and melancholy 
 voice, which contrasted oddly with his face, as 
 he had forgotten to leave off smiling. ("At 
 least it wasn't exactly a smile" as Sylvie said 
 afterwards : "it looked as if his mouth was 
 made that shape.") 
 
 "Go on, then," said the Professor. " Jl r kat 
 must be must be." 
 
 "Remember that;" Sylvie whispered to 
 Bruno. " It's a very good rule for whenever 
 you hurt yourself." 
 
 " And it's a very good rule for whenever I 
 make a noise," said the saucy little fellow. " So 
 you remember it too, Miss ! " 
 
 "Whatever do you mean?" said Sylvie, 
 trying to frown, a thing she never managed 
 particularly well. 
 
 " Oftens and oftens," said Bruno, " haven't 
 oo told me ' There mustn't be so much noise, 
 Bruno!' when I've tolded oo 'There must!' 
 Why, there isn't no rules at all about ' There 
 mustn't ! ' But oo never believes me ! " 
 
THE OTHER PROFESSOR 49 
 
 "As if anyone could believe you, you wicked, 
 wicked boy ! " said Sylvie. The words were 
 severe enough, but I am of opinion that, when 
 you are really anxious to impress a criminal 
 with a sense of his guilt, you ought not to pro- 
 nounce the sentence with your lips quite close 
 to his cheek — since a kiss at the end of it, how- 
 ever accidental, weakens the effect terribly. 
 
 But just then he seemed, I fancied, a little ex- 
 hausted. In fact, he climbed up into Sylvie's 
 lap as he spoke, and rested his head against her 
 shoulder. 
 
 E 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 RULES 
 
 The Other Professor regarded him with some 
 anxiety. "The smaller animal ought to go to 
 bed at once," he said with an air of authority. 
 
 " Why at once ? " said the Professor. 
 
 " Because he can't go at twice," said the 
 Other Professor. 
 
 The Professor gently clapped his hands. 
 
 "Isn't he wonderful!" he said to Sylvie. 
 " Nobody else could have thought of the reason 
 so quick. Why, of course he ca'n't goat twice ! 
 It would hurt him to be divided." 
 
 This remark woke up Bruno, suddenly and 
 completely. " I don't want to be divided" he 
 said decisively, 
 
RULES 51 
 
 "It does very well on a diagram" said the 
 Other Professor. " I could show it you in a 
 minute, only the chalk's a little blunt." 
 
 "Take care!" Sylvie anxiously exclaimed, 
 as he began, rather clumsily, to point it. 
 " You'll cut your finger off, if you hold the 
 knife so ! " 
 
 "If 00 cuts it off, will 00 give it to me, 
 please ? " Bruno thoughtfully added. 
 
 " It's like this," said the Other Professor, 
 hastily drawing a long line upon the black 
 board, and marking th letters 'A,' 'i?,' at the 
 two ends, and 'C in the middle: "let me 
 explain it to you. If AB were to be divided 
 into two parts at C " 
 
 "It would be drownded," Bruno pronounced 
 confidently. 
 
 The Other Professor gasped. " What would 
 be drownded ? " 
 
 "Why the bumble-bee, of course!" said 
 Bruno. " And the two bits would sink clown 
 in the sea ! " 
 
 Here the Professor interfered, as the Other 
 Professor was evidently too much puzzled to 
 Sfo on with his diagram. 
 
 E 2 
 
52 RULES 
 
 " When I said it would hurt him, I was merely 
 referring to the action of the nerves — — " 
 
 The Other Professor brightened up , in a 
 moment. " The action of the nerves," he began 
 eagerly, "is curiously slow in some people. I 
 had a friend once, that, if you burnt him with 
 a red-hot poker, it would take years and years 
 before he felt it ! " 
 
 " And if you only pinched him ? " queried 
 Sylvie. 
 
 " Then it would take ever so much longer, of 
 course. In fact, I doubt if the man himself 
 would ever feel it, at all. His grandchildren 
 might." 
 
 " I wouldn't like lo be the grandchild of a 
 pinched grandfather, would you, Mister Sir ? " 
 Bruno whispered. "It might come just when 
 you wanted to be happy ! " 
 
 That would be awkward, I admitted, taking 
 it quite as a matter of course that he had so 
 suddenly caught sight of me. " But don't you 
 always want to be happy, Bruno ? " 
 
 " Not always," Bruno said thoughtfully. 
 " Sometimes when I's too happy, I wants to 
 be a little miserable. Then I just tell Sylvie 
 
RULES 53 
 
 about it, oo know, and Sylvie sets me some 
 lessons. Then it's all right." 
 
 " I'm sorry you don't like lessons," I said. 
 "You should copy Sylvie. She's always as 
 busy as the day is long ! " 
 
 " Well, so am I ! " said Bruno. 
 
 "No, no ! " Sylvie corrected him. " You're 
 as busy as the day is short ! " 
 
 " Well, what's the difference ? " Bruno asked. 
 " Mister Sir, isn't the day as short as it's long? 
 I mean, isn't it the same length ? " 
 
 Never having considered the question in this 
 light, I suggested that they had better ask the 
 Professor ; and they ran off in a moment to 
 appeal to their old friend. The Professor left 
 off polishing his spectacles to consider. " My 
 dears," he said after a minute, " the day is 
 the same length as anything that is the same 
 length as it." And he resumed his never-ending 
 task of polishing. 
 
 The children returned, slowly and thought- 
 fully, to report his answer. " Isn't he wise? " 
 Sylvie asked in an awe-struck whisper. " If/ 
 was as wise as that, I should have a head-ache 
 all day long. I know I should ! " 
 
54 RULES 
 
 " You appear to be talking to somebody — 
 that isn't here," the Professor said, turning round 
 to the children. " Who is it ? " 
 
 Bruno looked puzzled. " I never talks to 
 nobody when he isn't here ! " he replied. "It 
 isn't good manners. Oo should always wait 
 till he comes, before oo talks to him ! " 
 
 The Professor looked anxiously in my direc- 
 tion, and seemed to look through and through 
 me without seeing me. " Then who are you 
 talking to?" he said. ''There isn't anybody 
 here, you know, except the Other Professor 
 — and he isn't here ! " he added wildly, turning- 
 round and round like a teetotum. "Children! 
 Help to look for him ! Quick ! He's got lost 
 again ! " 
 
 The children were on their feet in a moment. 
 
 " Where shall we look? " said Sylvie. 
 
 " Anywhere ! " shouted the excited Professor. 
 "Only be quick about it!" And he began 
 trotting round and round the room, lifting up 
 the chairs, and shaking them. 
 
 Bruno look a very small book out of the 
 bookcase, opened it, and shook it in imitation 
 of the Professor. "He isn't here," he said. 
 
RULES 55 
 
 " He can't be there, Bruno ! " Sylvie said 
 indignantly. 
 
 " Course he ca'n't ! " said Bruno. " I should 
 have shooked him out, if he'd been in 
 there ! " 
 
 " Has he ever been lost before ? " Sylvie 
 enquired, turning up a corner of the hearth-rug, 
 and peeping under it. 
 
 " Once before," said the Professor : "he once 
 lost himself in a wood " 
 
 "And couldn't he find his-self ag-ain ? " said 
 Bruno. "Why didn't he shout? He'd be 
 sure to hear his-self, 'cause he couldn't be far 
 off, oo know." 
 
 " Let's try shouting," said the Professor. 
 
 " What shall we shout ? " said Sylvie. 
 
 " On second thoughts, don't shout," the 
 Professor replied. " The Vice- Warden might 
 hear you. He's getting awfully strict ! " 
 
 This reminded the poor children of all the 
 troubles, about which they had come to their 
 old friend. Bruno sat down on the floor 
 and began crying. "He is so cruel ! " he 
 sobbed. "And he lets Uggug take away all 
 my toys ! And such horrid meals ! " 
 
56 RULES 
 
 " What did you have for dinner to-day ? " 
 said the Professor. 
 
 " A little piece of a dead crow," was Bruno's 
 mournful reply. 
 
 "He means rook-pie," Sylvie explained. 
 
 "It were a dead crow," Bruno persisted. 
 " And there were a apple-pudding — and Ug- 
 qw ate it all — and I grot nuffin but a crust ! 
 And I asked for a orano-e — and — didn't 
 get it ! " And the poor little fellow buried his 
 face in Sylvie's lap, who kept gently stroking 
 his hair, as she went on. " It's all true, 
 Professor, dear ! They do treat my darling 
 Bruno very badly ! And they're not kind to 
 me either," she added in a lower tone, as if 
 that were a thing of much less importance. 
 
 The Professor got out a large red silk hand- 
 kerchief, and wiped his eyes. " I wish I could 
 help you, dear children ! " he said. "But what 
 can I do ? " 
 
 "We know the way to Fairyland — where 
 Father's gone— quite well," said Sylvie : " if 
 only the Gardener would let us out." 
 
 " Won't he open the door for you ? " said the 
 Professor. 
 
RULES 57 
 
 " Not for us," said Sylvie : "but I'm sure he 
 would for you. Do come and ask him, Pro- 
 fessor, dear ! " 
 
 " I'll come this minute ! " said the Professor. 
 
 Bruno sat up and dried his eyes. " Isn't 
 he kind, Mister Sir?" 
 
 "He is indeed" said I. But the Professor 
 took no notice of my remark. He had put on 
 a beautiful cap with a long tassel, and was 
 selecting - one of the Other Professor's walking- 
 sticks, from a stand in the corner of the room. 
 " A thick stick in one's hand makes people re- 
 spectful," he was saying- to himself. "Come 
 along, dear children ! " And we all went out 
 into the garden together. 
 
 " I shall address him, first of all," the 
 Professor exclaimed as we went along, "with a 
 few playful remarks on the weather. I shall 
 then question him about the Other Professor. 
 This will have a double advantage. First, it 
 will open the conversation (you can't even 
 drink a bottle of wine without opening it first) : 
 and secondly, if he's seen the Other Professor, 
 we shall find him that way : and, if he hasn't, 
 we sha'n't." 
 
58 
 
 RULES 
 
 We had no sort of difficulty in finding the 
 Gardener. Though he was hidden from us by 
 some trees, that harsh voice of his served to 
 direct us ; and, as we drew nearer, the words of his 
 song became more and more plainly audible : — 
 
 " He thought he saw an Albatross 
 That fluttered round the lamp : 
 
 He looked again, and found It was 
 A Pen ny-Postage- Stamp. 
 
 ' You'd best be getting home,' he said : 
 ' The nights are very damp ! ' ' 
 
 "Would it be afraid of catching cold ? " said 
 Bruno. 
 
 " If it got very damp," Sylvie suggested, "it 
 might stick to something, you know." 
 
RULES 59 
 
 "And that somefin would have to go by the 
 post, whatever it was ! " Bruno eagerly ex- 
 claimed. " Suppose it was a cow ! Wouldn't 
 it be dreadful for the other things ! " 
 
 " And all these things happened to him" 
 said the Professor. "That's what makes the 
 song so interesting." 
 
 " He must have had a very curious life," 
 said Sylvie. 
 
 " You may say that ! " the Professor heartily 
 rejoined. 
 
 " Of course she may ! " cried Bruno. 
 
 By this time we had come up to the Gar- 
 dener, who was standing on one leg, as usual, 
 and busily employed in watering" a bed of 
 flowers with an empty watering'-can. 
 
 " It hasn't got no water in it!" Bruno ex- 
 plained to him, pulling his sleeve to attract 
 his attention. 
 
 " It's lighter to hold," said the Gardener. " A 
 lot of water in it makes one's arms ache." And 
 he went on with his work, singing softly to him- 
 self. 
 
 " The nig Jits are very damp ! " 
 
 "In distiller thing's out of the ground — 
 
60 RULES 
 
 which you probably do now and then, " the 
 Professor began in a loud voice ; " in making 
 things into heaps — which no doubt you often 
 do ; and in kicking things about with one heel 
 — which you seem never to leave off doing ; 
 have you ever happened to notice another Pro- 
 fessor, something like me, but different ? " 
 
 " Never ! " shouted the Gardener, so loudly 
 and violently that we all drew back in alarm. 
 " There ain't such a thing ! " 
 
 " We will try a less exciting topic," the 
 Professor mildly remarked to the children. 
 " You were asking " 
 
 " We asked him to let us through the crarden- 
 door," said Sylvie : " but he wouldn't : but 
 perhaps he would for you ! " 
 
 The Professor put the request very humbly 
 and courteously. 
 
 " I wouldn't mind letting you out," said the 
 Gardener. " But I mustn't open the door for 
 children. D'you think I'd disobey the Rtiles? 
 Not for one-and-sixpence ! " 
 
 The Professor cautiously produced a couple 
 of shillings. 
 
 " That'll do it ! " the Gardener shouted, as 
 
RULES 61 
 
 he hurled the watering-can across the flower- 
 bed, and produced a handful of keys — one 
 large one, and a number of small ones. 
 
 " But look here, Professor, dear ! " whispered 
 Sylvie. " He needn't open the door for us, 
 at all. We can go out with, you." 
 
 " True, dear child ! " the Professor thankfully 
 replied, as he replaced the coins in his pocket. 
 " That saves two shillings ! " And he took the 
 children's hands, that they might all go out 
 together when the door was opened. This, 
 however, did not seem a very likely event, 
 though the Gardener patiently tried all the 
 small keys, over and over again. 
 
 At last the Professor ventured on a o-entle 
 suggestion. " Why not try the large one ? I 
 have often observed that a door unlocks muck 
 more nicely with its own key." 
 
 The very first trial of the large key proved 
 a success : the Gardener opened the door, and 
 held out his hand for the money. 
 
 The Professor shook his head. " You are 
 acting by Rule," he explained, " in opening the 
 door for me. And now it's open, we are going 
 out by Rule — the Rule of Three.' 1 '' 
 
62 RULES 
 
 The Gardener looked puzzled, and let us go 
 out ; but, as he locked the door behind us, we 
 heard him singing thoughtfully to himself 
 
 " He thought he saw a Garden-Door 
 
 That opened with a key : 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 
 A Double Rule of Three : 
 ' And all its mystery I he said, 
 
 ' Is clear as day to me ! ' " 
 
 " I shall now return," said the Professor, 
 when we had walked a few yards : "you see, 
 it's impossible to read here, for all my books 
 are in the house." 
 
 But the children still kept fast hold of his 
 hands. " Do come with us ! " Sylvie entreated 
 with tears in her eyes. 
 
 "Well, well!" said the good-natured old 
 man. " Perhaps I'll come after you, some day 
 soon. But I must go back now. You see I 
 left off at a comma, and it's so awkward not 
 knowing" how the sentence finishes ! Besides, 
 you've got to go through Dogland first, and 
 I'm always a little nervous about dogs. But 
 it'll be quite easy to come, as soon as I've 
 
RULES 63 
 
 completed my new invention— for carrying 
 ones-self, you know. It wants just a little 
 more working out." 
 
 "Won't that be very tiring, to carry your- 
 self? " Sylvie enquired. 
 
 "Well, no, my child. You see, whatever 
 fatigue one incurs by carrying, one saves by 
 being carried ! Good-bye, dears!" 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 DOGLAND 
 
 "There's a house, away there to the left,' 1 
 said Sylvie, after we had walked what seemed 
 to me about fifty miles. " Let's £0 and ask for 
 a night's lodging." 
 
 "It looks a very comfable house," Bruno 
 said, as we turned into the road leading up to 
 it. " I doos hope the Dogs will be kind to us, 
 I is so tired and hungry ! " 
 
 A Mastiff, dressed in a scarlet collar, and 
 carrying a musket, was pacing up and down, 
 like a sentinel, in front of the entrance. He 
 started, on catching sight of the children, and 
 came forwards to meet them, keeping his 
 musket pointed straight at Bruno, who stood 
 
DOGLAND 
 
 65 
 
 quite still, though he turned pale and kept tight 
 hold of Sylvie's hand, while the Sentinel walked 
 solemnly round and round them, and looked at 
 them from all points of view. 
 
 " Oobooh, hooh boohooyah !" He growled 
 at last. " Woobah yahwah oobooh ! Bow 
 wahbah woobooyah ? Bow wow ? " he asked 
 Bruno severely. 
 
 Of course Bruno understood all this, easily 
 enough. All Fairies understand Dogbee — 
 that is, Dog-language. But, as you may find it 
 
 F 
 
66 DOGLAND 
 
 a little difficult, just at first, I had better put it 
 into English for you. " Humans, I verily be- 
 lieve ! A couple of stray Humans ! What Dog 
 do you belong to ? What do you want ? " 
 
 " We don't belong to a Dog ! " Bruno began, 
 in Doggee. (" Peoples never belongs to Dogs ! " 
 he whispered to Sylvie.) 
 
 But Sylvie hastily checked him, for fear of 
 hurting the Mastiff's feelings. " Please, we 
 want a little food, and a night's lodging- — if 
 there's room in the house," she added timidly. 
 Sylvie spoke Doggee very prettily : but I think 
 it's almost better, for you, to give the conversa- 
 tion in English. 
 
 " The house, indeed ! " growled the Sentinel. 
 " Have you never seen a Palace in your life? 
 Come along with me ! His Majesty must settle 
 what's to be done with you." 
 
 They followed him through the entrance-hall, 
 down a long passage, and into a magnificent 
 Saloon, around which were grouped dogs of all 
 sorts and sizes. Two splendid Blood-hounds 
 were solemnly sitting up, one on each side of 
 the crown-bearer. Two or three Bull-dogs — 
 whom I guessed to be the Body-Guard of the 
 
DOGLAND 67 
 
 King- — were waiting in crim silence : in fact 
 the only voices at all plainly audible were 
 those of two little dogs, who had mounted a 
 settee, and were holding a lively discussion 
 that looked very like a quarrel. 
 
 " Lords and Ladies in Waiting, and various 
 Court Officials," our guide gruffly remarked, 
 as he led us in. Of me the Courtiers took no 
 notice whatever : but Sylvie and Bruno were 
 the subject of many inquisitive looks, and many 
 whispered remarks, of which I only distinctly 
 caught one — made by a sly-looking Dachshund 
 to his friend — " Bah wooh wahyah hoobah 
 Oobooh, hah bah?" (" She's not such a bad- 
 looking Human, is she ? ") 
 
 Leaving the new arrivals in the centre of 
 the Saloon, the Sentinel advanced to a door, 
 at the further end of it, which bore an in- 
 scription, painted on it in Doggee, " Royal 
 Kennel — Scratch and Yell." 
 
 Before doing this, the Sentinel turned to the 
 children, and said " Give me your names." 
 
 " We'd rather not ! " Bruno exclaimed, pulling 
 Sylvie away from the door. " We want them 
 ourselves. Come back, Sylvie ! Come quick ! " 
 
 F 2 
 
68 DOGLAND 
 
 " Nonsense ! " said Sylvie very decidedly : 
 and o-ave their names in Doo-aee. 
 
 Then the Sentinel scratched violently at the 
 door, and gave a yell that made Bruno shiver 
 from head to foot. 
 
 " Hooyah wah ! " said a deep voice inside. 
 (That's Doggee for " Come in ! ") 
 
 " It's the King himself !" the Mastiff whispered 
 in an awestruck tone. " Take off your wigs, 
 and lay them humbly at his paws." (What we 
 should call " at his feet") 
 
 Sylvie was just going to explain, very 
 politely, that really they couldrit perform that 
 ceremony, because their wigs wouldn't come 
 off, when the door of the Royal Kennel opened, 
 and an enormous Newfoundland Dog put his 
 head out. " Bow wow ? " was his first question. 
 
 " When His Majesty speaks to you," the 
 Sentinel hastily whispered to Bruno, "you 
 should prick up your ears ! " 
 
 Bruno looked doubtfully at Sylvie. " I'd 
 rather not, please," he said. "It would 
 hurt." 
 
 " It doesn't hurt a bit ! " the Sentinel said 
 with some indignation. " Look ! It's like this ! " 
 
DOGLAND 69 
 
 And he pricked up his ears like two railway 
 signals. 
 
 Sylvie gently explained matters. " I'm afraid 
 we ca'n't manage it," she said in a low voice. 
 "I'm very sorry : but our ears haven't got the 
 right — " she wanted to say "machinery" in 
 Doggee : but she had forgotten the word, and 
 could only think of "steam-engine." 
 
 The Sentinel repeated Sylvie's explanation 
 to the King. 
 
 " Ca'n't prick up their ears without a steam- 
 engine ! " His Majesty exclaimed. " They must 
 be curious creatures ! I must have a look at 
 them ! " And he came out of his Kennel, and 
 walked solemnly up to the children. 
 
 What was the amazement — not to say the 
 horror — of the whole assembly, when Sylvie 
 actually patted His Majesty on the head, while 
 Bruno seized his long ears and pretended to tie 
 them together under his chin ! 
 
 The Sentinel groaned aloud : a beautiful 
 Greyhound — who appeared to be one of the 
 Ladies in Waiting — fainted away : and all the 
 other Courtiers hastily drew back, and left 
 plenty of room for the huge Newfoundland to 
 
7o 
 
 DOGLAND 
 
DOGLAND 71 
 
 spring upon the audacious strangers, and tear 
 them limb from limb. 
 
 Only — he didn't. On the contrary His 
 Majesty actually smiled— so far as a dog can 
 smile — and (the other Dogs couldn't believe 
 their eyes, but it was true, all the same) his 
 Majesty wagged his tail ! 
 
 " Yah ! Hooh hahwooh ! " (that is " Well ! 
 I never ! ") was the universal cry. 
 
 His Majesty looked round him severely, and 
 gave a slight growl, which produced instant 
 silence. " Conduct my friends to the banquet- 
 ing-hall ! " he said, laying such an emphasis on 
 "my friends" that several of the dogs rolled 
 over helplessly on their backs and began to 
 lick Bruno's feet. 
 
 A procession was formed, but I only ven- 
 tured to follow as far as the door of the ban- 
 queting-hall, so furious was the uproar of bark- 
 ing dogs within. So I sat down by the King, 
 who seemed to have gone to sleep, and waited 
 till the children returned to say good -night, 
 when His Majesty got up and shook himself. 
 
 " Time for bed ! " he said with a sleepy 
 yawn. " The attendants will show you your 
 
72 DOGLAND 
 
 room," he added, aside, to Sylvie and Bruno. 
 " Bring lights ! " And, with a dignified air, he 
 held out his paw for them to kiss. 
 
 But the children were evidently not well 
 practised in Court-manners. Sylvie simply 
 stroked the great paw : Bruno hugged it : the 
 Master of the Ceremonies looked shocked. 
 
 The next thinor- I remember is that it was 
 morning : breakfast was just over : Sylvie was 
 lifting Bruno down from a high chair, and saying 
 to a Spaniel, who was regarding them with a 
 most benevolent smile, "Yes, thank you, we've 
 had a very nice breakfast. Haven't we, Bruno ? " 
 
 "There was too many bones in the " 
 
 Bruno began, but Sylvie frowned at him, and 
 laid her finger on her lips, for, at this moment, 
 the travellers were waited on by a very dig- 
 nified officer, the Head-Growler, whose duty it 
 was, first to conduct them to the Kino- to bid 
 him farewell, and then to escort them to the 
 boundary of Dogland. The great Newfound- 
 land received them most affably, but, instead 
 of saying "good-bye," he startled the Head- 
 Growler into giving three savage growls, by 
 announcing- that he would escort them himself. 
 
DOGLAND 73 
 
 "It is a most unusual proceeding, your 
 Majesty ! " the Head-Growler exclaimed, almost 
 choking with vexation at being set aside, for he 
 had put on his best Court-suit, made entirely of 
 cat-skins, for the occasion. 
 
 " I shall escort them myself," His Majesty 
 repeated, gently but firmly, laying aside the 
 Royal robes, and changing his crown for a 
 small coronet, " and you may stay at home." 
 
 " I are glad ! " Bruno whispered to Sylvie, 
 when they had got well out of hearing. "He 
 were so welly cross ! " And he not only patted 
 their Royal escort, but even hugged him round 
 the neck in the exuberance of his delight. 
 
 His Majesty calmly wagged the Royal tail. 
 
 " It's quite a relief," he said, "getting away 
 from that Palace now and then ! Royal Dogs 
 have a dull life of it, I can tell you ! Would 
 you mind " (this to Sylvie, in a low voice, and 
 looking a little shy and embarrassed), "would 
 you mind the trouble of just throwing that 
 stick for me to fetch ? " 
 
 Sylvie was too much astonished to do any- 
 thing for a moment : it sounded such a mon- 
 strous impossibility that a King should wish to 
 
74 DOGLAND 
 
 run after a stick. But Bruno was equal to the 
 occasion, and with a glad shout of "Hi then ! 
 Fetch it, grood Doolie ! " he hurled it over a 
 clump of bushes. The next moment the 
 Monarch of Dosrland had bounded over the 
 bushes, and picked up the stick, and came 
 galloping back to the children with it in his 
 mouth. Bruno took it from him with o-reat 
 decision. " Beg for it ! " he insisted ; and His 
 Majesty begged. " Paw ! " commanded Sylvie ! 
 and His Majesty gave his paw. In short, the 
 solemn ceremony of escorting the travellers to 
 the boundaries of Do^land became one lono - 
 uproarious game of play ! 
 
 "But business is business!" the Dog-King 
 said at last. " And I must go back to mine. 
 I couldn't come any further," he added, con- 
 sulting- a doo--watch, which hun^ on a chain 
 round his neck, " not even if there were a Cat 
 in sight ! " 
 
 They took an affectionate farewell of His 
 Majesty, and trudged on. 
 
 " That were a dear dog ! " Bruno exclaimed. 
 " Has we to go far, Sylvie ? I's tired ! " 
 
 " Not much further, darling ! " Sylvie gently 
 
DOGLAND 75 
 
 replied. " Do you see that shining, just beyond 
 those trees? I'm almost sure it's the gate of 
 Fairyland ! I know it's all golden — Father 
 told me so — and so bright, so bright!" she 
 went on dreamily. 
 
 I could but stand outside, and take a last 
 look at the two sweet children, ere they dis- 
 appeared within, and the golden gate closed 
 with a bang. 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 FAIRIES 
 
 The first thing I noticed, as I went lazily 
 along through an open place in the wood, was 
 a large Beetle lying struggling on its back, and 
 I went down upon one knee to help the poor 
 thing to its feet again, and was just reaching out 
 a little stick to turn the Beetle over, when I saw 
 a sight that made me draw back hastily and 
 hold my breath, for fear of making any noise 
 and frightening the little creature away. 
 
 Not that she looked as if she would be 
 easily frightened ; she seemed so good and 
 gentle that I'm sure she would never expect 
 that any one could wish to hurt her. She 
 was only a few inches high, and was dressed 
 
FAIRIES 
 
 77 
 
 in green, so that you really would hardly have 
 noticed her amonof the long- grass ; and she 
 was so delicate and graceful that she quite 
 seemed to belong to the place, almost as if 
 she were one of the flowers. I may tell you, 
 
 Mk& 
 
 besides, that she had no wings (I don't believe 
 in Fairies with wings), and that she had quan- 
 tities of long brown hair and large earnest 
 brown eyes, and then I shall have done all I 
 can to give you an idea of her. 
 
 Sylvie (I found out her name afterwards) 
 had knelt down, just as I was doing, to help 
 
78 FAIRIES 
 
 the Beetle ; bat it needed more than a little 
 stick for her to get it on its legs again ; it was 
 as much as she could do, with both arms, to 
 roll the heavy thing over ; and all the while 
 she was talking to it, half scolding and half 
 comforting, as a nurse might do with a child 
 that had fallen down. 
 
 "There, there! You needn't cry so much 
 about it. You're not killed yet — though if 
 you were, you couldn't cry, you know, and 
 so it's a general rule against crying, my dear ! 
 And how did you come to tumble over ? 
 But I can see well enough how it was — I 
 needn't ask you that — walking over sand-pits 
 with your chin in the air, as usual. Of course 
 if you go among sand-pits like that, you must 
 expect to tumble. You should look." 
 
 The Beetle murmured something that sounded 
 like " I did look," and Sylvie went on again. 
 
 " But I know you didn't ! You never do ! 
 You always walk with your chin up — you're 
 so dreadfully conceited. Well, let's see how 
 many legs are broken this time. Why, none 
 of them, I declare ! And what's the good 
 of having six legs, my dear, if you can only 
 
FAIRIES 79 
 
 kick them all about in the air when you 
 tumble ? Legs are meant to walk with, you 
 know. Now don't begin putting out your 
 wings yet ; I've more to say. Go to the frog 
 that lives behind that buttercup — give him my 
 compliments — Sylvie's compliments — can you 
 say ' compliments ' ? " 
 
 The Beetle tried and, I suppose, succeeded. 
 
 " Yes, that's right. And tell him he's to give 
 you some of that salve I left with him yester- 
 day. And you'd better get him to rub it in 
 for you. He's got rather cold hands, but you 
 mustn't mind that." 
 
 I think the Beetle must have shuddered at 
 this idea, for Sylvie went on in a graver tone. 
 " Now you needn't pretend to be so particular 
 as all that, as if you were too grand to be 
 rubbed by a frog. The fact is, you ought to 
 be very much obliged to him. Suppose you 
 could get nobody but a toad to do it, how 
 would you like that ? " 
 
 There was a little pause, and then Sylvie 
 added, " Now you may go. Be a good beetle, 
 and don't keep your chin in the air." And then 
 began one of those performances of humming, 
 
80 FAIRIES 
 
 and whizzing", and restless bang-insf about, such 
 as a beetle indulges in when it has decided on 
 flying, but hasn't quite made up its mind which 
 way to go. At last, in one of its awkward zig- 
 zags, it managed to fly right into my face, and, 
 by the time I had recovered from the shock, 
 the little Fairy was gone. 
 
 I walked on sadly enough, you may be sure. 
 However, I comforted myself with thinking 
 " It's been a very wonderful afternoon, so far. 
 I'll just go quietly on and look about me, and 
 I shouldn't wonder if I were to come across 
 another Fairy somewhere." 
 
 By this time the ' eerie ' feeling had come 
 back again ; so I felt quite sure that " Bruno" 
 was somewhere very near. 
 
 And so indeed he was — so near that I had 
 very nearly walked over him without seeing 
 him ; which would have been dreadful, always 
 supposing that Fairies can be walked over — 
 my own belief is that they are something of 
 the nature of Will-o'-the-Wisps : and there's 
 no walking over them. 
 
 Think of any pretty little boy you know, 
 with rosy cheeks, large dark eyes, and tangled 
 
FAIRIES 81 
 
 brown hair, and then fancy him made small 
 enough to go comfortably into a coffee-cup, 
 and you'll have a very fair idea of him. 
 
 "What's your name, little one?" I began, 
 in as soft a voice as I could manage. 
 
 "What's oors ? " he said, without looking 
 up. 
 
 I told him my name quite gently, for he was 
 much too small to be angry with. 
 
 " Duke of Anything ? " he asked, just looking 
 at me for a moment, and then going on with 
 his work. 
 
 " Not Duke at all," I said, a little ashamed 
 of havinor to confess it. 
 
 " Oo're big enough to be two Dukes," said 
 the little creature. " I suppose oo're Sir Some- 
 thing, then ? " 
 
 " No," I said, feeling more and more ashamed. 
 " I haven't got any title." 
 
 The Fairy seemed to think that in that case 
 I really wasn't worth the trouble of talking to, 
 for he quietly went on digging, and tearing the 
 flowers to pieces. 
 
 After a few minutes I tried again. " Please 
 tell me what your name is." 
 
 G 
 
82 FAIRIES 
 
 " Bruno," the little fellow answered, very 
 readily. " Why didn't oo say ' please ' be- 
 fore ? " 
 
 "That's something like what we used to be 
 taught in the nursery," I thought to myself, 
 And here an idea came into my head, and 
 I asked him " Aren't you one of the Fairies 
 that teach children to be good ? " 
 
 "Well, we have to do that sometimes," said 
 Bruno, "and ? dreadful bother it is." As he 
 said this, he savagely tore a heartsease in two, 
 and trampled on the pieces. 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 "What are you doing there, Bruno?" I 
 said. 
 
 "Spoiling Sylvie's garden," was all the an- 
 swer Bruno would give at first. But, as he 
 went on tearing up the flowers, he muttered to 
 himself " The nasty cross thing — wouldn't let 
 me go and play this morning, — said I must 
 finish my lessons first — lessons, indeed ! I'll 
 vex her finely, though ! " 
 
 "Oh, Bruno, you shouldn't do that!" I 
 cried. "Don't you know that's revenge? 
 And revenge is a wicked, cruel, dangerous 
 thing ! " 
 
 " River-edge ? " said Bruno. " What a funny 
 
 G 2 
 
84 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 word ! I suppose oo call it cruel and danger- 
 ous 'cause, if oo wented too far and tumbleded 
 in, oo'd get drownded." 
 
 "No, not river-edge," I explained: "re- 
 venge. " (saying the word very slowly). 
 
 " Oh ! " said Bruno, opening his eyes very 
 wide, but without trying to repeat the word. 
 
 " Come ! Try and pronounce it, Bruno ! " I 
 said, cheerfully. " Re-venge, re-venge." 
 
 But Bruno only tossed his little head, and 
 said he couldn't ; that his mouth wasn't the 
 right shape for words of that kind. And the 
 more I laughed, the more sulky the little 
 fellow got about it. 
 
 "Well, never mind, my little man!" I said. 
 " Shall I help you with that job ? " 
 
 "Yes, please," Bruno said, quite pacified. 
 " Only I wiss I could think of somefin to 
 vex her more than this. Oo don't know 
 how hard it is to make her angry ! " 
 
 "Now listen to me, Bruno, and I'll teach 
 you quite a splendid kind of revenge ! " 
 
 " Somefin that'll vex her finely ? " he asked 
 with gleaming eyes. 
 
 " Something that will vex her finely. First, 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 85 
 
 we'll get up all the weeds in her garden. See, 
 there are a good many at this end — quite 
 hidino- the flowers." 
 
 " But that won't vex her ! " said Bruno. 
 
 "After that," I said, without noticing the 
 remark, "we'll water this highest bed — up 
 here. You see it's getting quite dry and 
 dusty." 
 
 Bruno looked at me inquisitively, but he said 
 nothing this time. 
 
 "Then alter that," I went on, "the walks 
 want sweeping a bit ; and I think you might 
 cut down that tall nettle — it's so close to the 
 garden that it's quite in the way " 
 
 "What is 00 talking about?" Bruno im- 
 patiently interrupted me. " All that won't vex 
 her a bit ! " 
 
 " Won't it ? " I said, innocently. " Then, after 
 that, suppose we put in some of these coloured 
 pebbles— just to mark the divisions between the 
 different kinds of flowers, you know. That'll 
 have a very pretty effect." 
 
 Bruno turned round and had another good 
 stare at me. At last there came an odd little 
 twinkle into his eyes, and he said, with quite a 
 
86 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 new meaning in his voice, " That'll do nicely. 
 Let's put 'em in rows — all the red together, 
 and all the blue together." 
 
 "That'll do capitally," I said; " and then — 
 what kind of flowers does Sylvie like best?" 
 
 Bruno had to put his thumb in his mouth 
 and consider a little before he could answer. 
 " Violets," he said, at last. 
 
 " There's a beautiful bed of violets down by 
 the brook " 
 
 " Oh, let's fetch em ! " cried Bruno, giving a 
 little skip into the air. " Here ! Catch hold of 
 my hand, and I'll help oo along. The grass is 
 rather thick down that way." 
 
 "No, not yet, Bruno," I said: "we must 
 consider what's the right thing to do first. 
 You see we've got quite a business before 
 us. 
 
 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his 
 thumb into his mouth again, and sitting down 
 upon a dead mouse. 
 
 " What do you keep that mouse for ? " I said. 
 " You should either bury it, or else throw it 
 into the brook." 
 
 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.. 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 87 
 
 " How ever would 00 do a garden without 
 one ? We make each bed three mouses and a 
 half long, and two mouses wide." 
 
 I stopped him, as he was dragging it off by 
 the tail to show me how it was used, for I was 
 half afraid the ' eerie ' feeling- might go off 
 before we had finished the garden, and in that 
 case I should see no more of him or Sylvie. 
 " I think the best way will be for you to weed 
 the beds, while / sort out these pebbles, ready 
 to mark the walks with." 
 
 " That's it!" cried Bruno. "And I'll tell 
 00 about the caterpillars while we work." 
 
 " Ah, let's hear about the caterpillars," I said, 
 as I drew the pebbles together into a heap and 
 began dividing them into colours. 
 
 And Bruno went on in a low, rapid tone, 
 more as if he were talking to himself. " Yes- 
 terday I saw two little caterpillars, when I was 
 sitting by the brook, just where 00 go into the 
 wood. They were quite green, and they had 
 yellow eyes, and they didn't see me. And one 
 of them had got a moth's wing to carry — a 
 great brown moth's wing, 00 know, all dry, 
 with feathers. So he couldn't want it to eat, 
 
88 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 I should think — perhaps he meant to make a 
 cloak for the winter ? " 
 
 " Perhaps," I said, for Bruno had twisted up 
 the last word into a sort of question, and was 
 looking at me for an answer. 
 
 One word was quite enough for the little 
 fellow, and he went on merrily. "Well, and 
 so he didn't want the other caterpillar to see 
 the moth's wing, oo know — so what must he 
 do but try to carry it with all his left legs, 
 and he tried to walk on the other set. Of 
 course he toppled over after that." 
 
 " After what ? " I said, catching at the last 
 word, for, to tell the truth, I hadn't been 
 attending: much. 
 
 " He toppled over," Bruno repeated, very 
 gravely, "and if oo ever saw a caterpillar 
 topple over, oo'd know it's a welly serious 
 thino- and not sit grinning like that — and I 
 sha'n't tell oo no more ! " 
 
 " Indeed and indeed, Bruno, I didn't mean 
 to grin. See, I'm quite grave again now." 
 
 But Bruno only folded his arms, and said 
 " Don't tell me. I see a little twinkle in one 
 of oor eyes — just like the moon." 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 89 
 
 "Why do you think I'm like the moon, 
 Bruno ? " I asked. 
 
 " Oor face is large and round like the moon," 
 Bruno answered, looking" at me thoughtfully. 
 " It doosn't shine quite so bright — but it's 
 more cleaner." 
 
 I couldn't help smiling at this. "You know 
 I sometimes wash my face, Bruno. The moon 
 never does that." 
 
 " Oh, doosn't she though ! " cried Bruno ; and 
 he leant forwards and added in a solemn 
 whisper, " The moon's face gets dirtier and 
 dirtier every night, till it's black all across. 
 And then, when it's dirty all over — so — " (he 
 passed his hand across his own rosy cheeks 
 as he spoke) "then she washes it." 
 
 "Then it's all clean again, isn't it? " 
 
 " Not all in a moment," said Bruno. " What 
 a deal of teaching 00 wants ! She washes it 
 little by little — only she begins at the other 
 edge, 00 know." 
 
 By this time he was sitting quietly on 
 the dead mouse with his arms folded, and 
 the weeding - wasn't getting on a bit : so 
 I had to say "Work first, pleasure after- 
 
9o BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 wards : no more talking till that bed's 
 finished." 
 
 After that we had a few minutes of silence, 
 while I sorted out the pebbles, and amused 
 myself with watching Bruno's plan of garden- 
 ing. It was quite a new plan to me : he 
 always measured each bed before he weeded 
 it, as if he was afraid the weeding would 
 make it shrink ; and once, when it came out 
 longer than he wished, he set to work to 
 thump the mouse with his little fist, crying out 
 " There now ! It's all gone wrong again ! Why 
 don't oo keep oor tail straight when I tell oo ! " 
 
 " I'll tell you what I'll do," Bruno said in a 
 half-whisper, as we worked. " Oo like Fairies, 
 don't oo ? " 
 
 " Yes," I said : " of course I do, or I shouldn't 
 have come here. I should have o-one to some 
 place where there are no Fairies." 
 
 Bruno laughed contemptuously. " Why, oo 
 might as well say oo'd go to some place where 
 there wasn't any air — supposing oo didn't 
 like air ! " 
 
 This was a rather difficult idea to grasp. I 
 tried a change of subject. " You're nearly the 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 91 
 
 first Fairy I ever saw. Have you ever seen 
 any people besides me ? " 
 
 " Plenty ! " said Bruno. " We see 'em when 
 we walk in the road." 
 
 " But they ca'n't see you. How is it they 
 never tread on you ? " 
 
 " Ca'n't tread on us," said Bruno, looking 
 amused at my ignorance. "Why, suppose 
 oo're walking, here — so — " (making little 
 marks on the ground) "and suppose there's a 
 Fairy — that's me — walking here. Very well 
 then, 00 put one foot here, and one foot here, 
 so 00 doosn't tread on the Fairy." 
 
 This was all very well as an explanation, 
 but it didn't convince me. " Why shouldn't I 
 put one foot on the Fairy ? " I asked. 
 
 " I don't know why" the little fellow said in 
 a thoughtful tone. "But I know 00 wouldn't. 
 Nobody never walked on the top of a Fairy. 
 Now I'll tell 00 what I'll do, as oo're so fond 
 of Fairies. I'll get 00 an invitation to the 
 Fairy-King's dinner-party. I know one of the 
 head- waiters." 
 
 I couldn't help laughing at this idea. " Do 
 the waiters invite the guests ? " I asked. 
 
92 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 " Oh, not to sit down/" Bruno said. " But 
 to wait at table. Oo'd like that, wouldn't oo ? 
 To hand about plates, and so on." 
 
 "Well, but that's not so nice as sitting at 
 the table, is it ? " 
 
 " Of course it isn't," Bruno said, in a tone 
 as if he rather pitied my ignorance; "but if 
 oo're not even Sir Anything, oo ca'n't expect 
 to be allowed to sit at the table, oo know." 
 
 I said, as meekly as I could, that I didn't ex- 
 pect it, but it was the only way of going to a 
 dinner-party that I really enjoyed. And Bruno 
 tossed his head, and said, in a rather offended 
 tone, that I might do as I pleased — there were 
 many he knew that would give their ears to go. 
 
 " Have you ever been yourself, Bruno ? " 
 
 " They invited me once, last week," Bruno 
 said, very gravely. "It was to wash up the 
 soup-plates — no, the cheese-plates I mean — 
 that was grand enough. And I waited at table. 
 And I didn't hardly make only one mistake." 
 
 " What was it ?•" I said. " You needn't mind 
 telling me." 
 
 " Only bringing scissors to cut the beef with," 
 Bruno said carelessly. " But the grandest thing 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 93 
 
 of all was, / fetched the King a glass of 
 cider ! " 
 
 " That was grand ! " I said, biting my lip to 
 keep myself from laughing. 
 
 " Wasn't it ? " said Bruno, very earnestly. 
 " Oo know it isn't every one that's had such 
 an honour as that ! " 
 
 " Oh, come here quick ! " he cried, in a state 
 of the wildest excitement. " Catch hold of his 
 other horn ! I ca'n't hold him more than a 
 minute ! " 
 
 He was struggling desperately with a great 
 snail, clinging to one of its horns, and nearly 
 breaking his poor little back in his efforts to 
 drao- it over a blade of orass. 
 
 I saw we should have no more o-ardenino- if 
 I let this sort of thing go on, so I quietly took 
 the snail away, and put it on a bank where he 
 couldn't reach it. " We'll hunt it afterwards, 
 Bruno," I said, "if you really want to catch it. 
 I'll go snail-hunting myself some day." 
 
 " I should think 00 wouldn't be so silly," 
 said Bruno, " as to go snail-hunting by oorself. 
 Why, oo'd never get the snail along, if 00 
 hadn't somebody to hold on to his other horn ! ' 
 
94 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 " Of course I sha'n't go alone'' I said, quite 
 gravely. " By the way, is that the best kind 
 to hunt, or do you recommend the ones without 
 shells ? " 
 
 "Oh, no, we never hunt the ones without 
 shells," Bruno said, with a little shudder at the 
 thought of it. " They're always so cross about 
 it ; and then, if oo tumbles over them, they're 
 ever so sticky ! " 
 
 By this time we had nearly finished the gar- 
 den. I had fetched some violets, and Bruno 
 was just helping me to put in the last, when he 
 suddenly stopped and said " I'm tired." 
 
 " Rest then," I said : " I can go on without 
 you, quite well." 
 
 Bruno needed no second invitation : he at 
 once began arranging the dead mouse as a kind 
 of sofa. "And I'll sing oo a little song," he 
 said, as he rolled it about. 
 
 " Do," said I : " I like songs very much." 
 
 "Which song will oo choose?" Bruno said, 
 as he dragged the mouse into a place where he 
 could get a o-ood view of me. " ' Tino-, ting, 
 ting, ' i s the nicest." 
 
 There was no resisting such a strong hint as 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 95 
 
 this : however, I pretended to think about it for 
 a moment, and then said "Well, I like 'Ting 
 ting, ting,' best of all." 
 
 " That shows oo're a good judge of music," 
 Bruno said, with a pleased look. " How many 
 
 
 hare-bells would oo like ? " And he put his 
 thumb into his mouth to help me to con- 
 sider. 
 
 As there was only one cluster of hare-bells 
 within easy reach, I said very gravely that I 
 thought one would do this time, and I picked 
 it and gave it to him. Bruno ran his hand 
 once or twice up and down the flowers, like 
 
9 6 
 
 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 a musician trying an instrument, producing 
 a most delicious delicate tinkling as he did 
 so. 
 
 When he had satisfied himself that the flowers 
 were in tune, he seated himself on the dead 
 mouse (he never seemed really comfortable 
 anywhere else), and, looking up at me with 
 a merry twinkle in his eyes, he began. By the 
 way, the tune was rather a curious one, and 
 you might like to try it for yourself, so here are 
 the notes. 
 
 =i=q:— 
 
 IpTIj^iqVpu- pin-— ^— ^ 
 
 ±=t=jfct; 
 
 t±Wrj=nt=Mz 
 
 3 
 
 ^ 
 
 dH 
 
 ;fczj .fi-C ^L ^I -J — j=j= m ~| - M =m T^ 
 
 it: 
 
 iJii 
 
 s= 
 
 " A*^, <?//, rise ! The daylight dies : 
 
 The owls are hooting, ting, ting, ting! 
 
 Wake, oh, wake ! Beside the lake 
 
 The elves are fluting, ting, ting, ting / 
 
 Welcoming our Fairy King, 
 We sing, sing, sing." 
 
 He sang the first four lines briskly and 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 97 
 
 merrily, making the hare-bells chime in time 
 with the music ; but the last two he sang 
 quite slowly and gently, and merely waved 
 the flowers backwards and forwards. Then 
 he left off to explain. " The Fairy-King is 
 Oberon, and he lives across the lake — and 
 sometimes he comes in a little boat — and we 
 ofo and meet him — and then we sine this sono- 
 you know." 
 
 " And then you go and dine with him ? " I 
 said, mischievously. 
 
 " Oo shouldn't talk," Bruno hastily said : " it 
 interrupts the song so." 
 
 I said I wouldn't do it aofain. 
 
 " I never talk myself when I'm singing," 
 he went on very gravely: "so 00 shouldn't 
 either." Then he tuned the hare-bells once 
 more, and sang : — 
 
 •' Hear, oh, hear ! From far and near 
 The music stealing, ting, ting, ting ! 
 Fairy bells adoivn the dells 
 
 A re merrily pealing, ting, ting, ting ! 
 Welcoming our Fairy King, 
 We ring, ring, ring. 
 
 H 
 
98 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 " See, oh, see ! On every tree 
 
 What lamps are shining, ting, ting, ting ! 
 They are eyes of fiery flies 
 
 To light our dining, ting, ting, ting ! 
 Welcoming our Fairy King, 
 They swing, swing, swing. 
 
 " Haste, oh, haste, to take and taste 
 
 The dainties waiting, ting, ting, ting ! 
 Honey -dezv is stored " 
 
 " Hush, Bruno ! " I interrupted in a warning 
 whisper. " She's coming ! " 
 
 Bruno checked his song, and, as she slowly 
 made her way through the long grass, he 
 suddenly rushed out headlong at her like a 
 little bull, shouting " Look the other way ! 
 Look the other way ! " 
 
 "Which way?" Sylvie asked, in rather a 
 frio-htened tone, as she looked round in all 
 directions to see where the danger could be. 
 
 " That way ! " said Bruno, carefully turning 
 her round with her face to the wood. " Now, 
 walk backwards — walk gently — don't be 
 frightened : oo sha'n't trip ! " 
 
 But Sylvie did trip notwithstanding : in fact 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 99 
 
 he led her, in his hurry, across so many little 
 sticks and stones, that it was really a wonder 
 the poor child could keep on her feet at all. 
 But he was far too much excited to think of 
 what he was doing. 
 
 I silently pointed out to Bruno the best place 
 to lead her to, so as to get a view of the whole 
 garden at once : it was a little rising ground, 
 about the height of a potato ; and, when they 
 had mounted it, I drew back into the shade, 
 that Sylvie mightn't see me. 
 
 I heard Bruno cry out triumphantly " Now 
 00 may look ! " and then followed a clapping 
 of hands, but it was all done by Bruno himself. 
 Sylvie was silent — she only stood and gazed 
 with her hands clasped together, and I was 
 half afraid she didn't like it after all. 
 
 Bruno too was watching her anxiously, and 
 when she jumped down off the mound, and 
 began wandering up and down the little walks, 
 he cautiously followed her about, evidently 
 anxious that she should form her own opinion 
 of it all, without any hint from him. And when 
 at last she drew a long breath, and rave her 
 verdict — in a hurried whisper, and without the 
 
 11 2 
 
ioo BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 slightest regard to grammar — " It's the loveliest 
 thing as I never saw in all my life before ! " the 
 little fellow looked as well pleased as if it had 
 been given by all the judges and juries in 
 England put together. 
 
 " And did you really do it all by yourself, 
 Bruno ? " said Sylvie. " And all for me ? " 
 
 " 1 was helped a bit," Bruno began with a 
 merry little laugh at her surprise. " We've 
 been at it all the afternoon — I thought oo'd 
 
 like— " and here the poor little fellow's lip 
 
 began to quiver, and all in a moment he burst 
 out crying, and running up to Sylvie he flung 
 his arms passionately round her neck, and hid 
 his face on her shoulder. 
 
 There was a little quiver in Sylvie's voice 
 too as she whispered, " Why, what's the 
 matter, darling ? " and tried to lift up his head 
 and kiss him. 
 
 But Bruno only clung to her, sobbing, and 
 wouldn't be comforted till he had confessed. 
 " I tried — to spoil oor garden — first — but 
 
 I'll never — never " and then came another 
 
 burst of tears, which drowned the rest of the 
 sentence. At last he got out the words " I 
 
BRUNO'S REVENGE 101 
 
 liked — putting in the flowers — for oo, Sylvie 
 — and I never was so happy before." And 
 the rosy little face came up at last to be 
 kissed, all wet with tears as it was. 
 
 Sylvie was crying too by this time, and she 
 said nothing but " Bruno, dear ! " and "/ never 
 was so happy before," though why these two 
 children who had never been so happy before 
 should both be crying was a mystery to me. 
 
 After that they went through the whole gar- 
 den again, flower by flower, as if it were a long 
 sentence they were spelling out, with kisses for 
 commas, and a great hug by way of a full- 
 stop when they got to the end. 
 
 " Doos oo know, that was mv river-ed^e, 
 Sylvie ? " Bruno solemnly began. 
 
 Sylvie laughed merrily. " What do you 
 mean?" she said. And she pushed back her 
 heavy brown hair with both hands and looked 
 at him with dancing eyes in which the big 
 teardrops were still glittering. 
 
 Bruno drew in a long breath, and made up 
 his mouth for a great effort. " I mean re — 
 venge," he said : " now oo under'tand." And 
 he looked so happy and proud at having said 
 
ro2 BRUNO'S REVENGE 
 
 the word right at last, that I quite envied him. 
 I rather think Sylvie didn't " under'tand " at 
 all ; but she gave him a little kiss on each 
 cheek which seemed to do just as well. 
 
 The very last thing I saw of them was this 
 — Sylvie was stooping down with her arms 
 round Bruno's neck, and saying coaxingly in his 
 ear, " Do you know, Bruno, I've quite forgotten 
 that hard word. Do say it once more. Come ! 
 Only this once, dear ! " 
 
 But Bruno wouldn't try it again. 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 BRUNO S SONGS 
 
 The path through the wood had been made 
 familiar to me, by many a solitary stroll, in 
 my former visit to Elveston. "And this open 
 place," I said to myself, " seems to have some 
 memory about it I cannot distinctly recall — 
 surely it is the very spot where I saw those 
 Fairy-Children ! But I hope there are no snakes 
 about ! " I mused aloud, taking my seat on a 
 fallen tree. " I certainly do not like snakes — 
 and I don't suppose Bruno likes them, either ! " 
 
 " No, he doesn't like them ! " said a demure 
 little voice at my side. "He's not afraid of 
 them, you know. But he doesn't like them. He 
 says they're too waggly ! " 
 
104 
 
 BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 Words fail me to describe the beauty of the 
 little group — couched on a patch of moss, on 
 the trunk of the fallen tree, that met my eager 
 gaze : Sylvie reclining with her elbow buried in 
 the moss, and her rosy cheek resting" in the 
 
 <iC^N$\ 
 
 palm of her hand, and Bruno stretched at her 
 feet with his head in her lap. 
 
 "Too waggly?" was all I could say in so 
 sudden an emergency. 
 
 " I'm not praticular," Bruno said, carelessly : 
 "but I do like straight animals best " 
 
 " But you like a dog when it wags its tail," 
 
BRUNO'S SONGS 105 
 
 Sylvie interrupted. " You know you do, 
 Bruno ! " 
 
 " But there's more of a dog, isn't there, Mis- 
 ter Sir ? " Bruno appealed to me. " You wouldn't 
 like to have a doo- if it hadn't oot nuffin but 
 a head and a tail ? " 
 
 I admitted that a dog of that kind would be 
 uninteresting. 
 
 "There isrit such a dog as that," Sylvie 
 thoughtfully remarked. 
 
 " But there would be," cried Bruno, "if the 
 Professor shortened it up for us ! " 
 
 " Shortened it up ? " I said. " That's- some- 
 thing new. How does he do it ? " 
 
 " He's got a curious machine " Sylvie 
 
 was beginning to explain. 
 
 " A welly curious machine," Bruno broke in, 
 not at all willing to have the story thus taken 
 out of his mouth, "and if 00 puts in — some- 
 finoruvver — at one end, 00 know — and he 
 turns the handle — and it comes out at the 
 uvver end, oh, ever so short ! " 
 
 " As short as short ! " Sylvie echoed. 
 
 " And one day — when we was in Outland, 
 00 know — before we came to Fairyland — 
 
io6 BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 me and Sylvie took him a big Crocodile. And 
 he shortened it up for us. And it did look so 
 funny ! And it kept looking round, and say- 
 ing ' wherever is the rest of me got to ? ' And 
 then its eyes looked unhappy " 
 
 " Not both its eyes," Sylvie interrupted. 
 
 11 Course not ! " said the little fellow. " Only 
 the eye that couldn't see wherever the rest 
 of it had got to. But the eye that could 
 see wherever -" 
 
 "How short was the crocodile?" I asked, 
 as the story was getting a little complicated. 
 
 " Half as short a^ain as when we caught it 
 — so long," said Bruno, spreading out his arms 
 to their full stretch. 
 
 " But you didn't leave the poor thing so short 
 as that, did you ? " 
 
 " Well, no. Sylvie and me took it back again 
 and we got it stretched to— to — how much 
 was it, Sylvie ? " 
 
 " Two times and a half, and a little bit more," 
 said Sylvie. 
 
 " It wouldn't like that better than the other 
 way, I'm afraid ? " 
 
 " Oh, but it did though ! " Bruno put in 
 
BRUNO'S SONGS 107 
 
 eagerly. "It were proud of its new tail ! Oo 
 never saw a Crocodile so proud ! Why, it could 
 go round and walk on the top of its tail, and 
 along" its back, all the way to its head ! " 
 
 " Not quite all the way," said Sylvie. "It 
 couldn't, you know." 
 
 " Ah, but it did, once ! " Bruno cried trium- 
 phantly. " Oo weren't looking — but / watched 
 it. And it walked on tipplety-toe, so as it 
 wouldn't wake itself, 'cause it thought it were 
 asleep. And it got both its paws on its tail. 
 And it walked and it walked all the way along 
 its back. And it walked and it walked on its 
 forehead. And it walked a tiny little way down 
 its nose ! There now ! " 
 
 " I don't believe no Crocodile never walked 
 along its own forehead ! " Sylvie cried, too 
 
io8 BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 much excited by the controversy to limit the 
 number of her negatives. 
 
 " Oo don't know the reason why it did it ! " 
 Bruno scornfully retorted. "It had a welly 
 good reason. I heerd it say ' Why shouldn't I 
 walk on my own forehead ? ' So a course it 
 did, oo know ! " 
 
 " If that's a o"ood reason, Bruno," I said, 
 " why shouldn't you get up that tree ? " 
 
 " Shall, in a minute," said Bruno : " soon as 
 we've done talking. Only two peoples cant 
 talk comfably togevver, when one's getting up 
 a tree, and the other isn't ! " 
 
 It appeared to me that a conversation would 
 scarcely be ' comfable ' while trees were being 
 climbed, even if both the ' peoples ' were doing 
 it : but it was evidently dangerous to oppose 
 any theory of Bruno's ; so I thought it best to 
 let the question drop, and to ask for an account 
 of the machine that made things longer. 
 
 This time Bruno was at a loss, and left it to 
 Sylvie. "It's like a mangle," she said: "if 
 things are put in, they get squoze " 
 
 " Squeezeled ! " Bruno interrupted. 
 
 "Yes." Sylvie accepted the correction, but 
 
BRUNO'S SONGS 109 
 
 did not attempt to pronounce the word, which 
 was evidently new to her. " They get — like 
 that — and they come out, oh, ever so long ! " 
 
 " Once," Bruno began again, " Sylvie and 
 me writed " 
 
 " Wrote ! " Sylvie whispered. 
 
 "Well, we wroted a Nursery-Song, and the 
 Professor manoled it longer for us. It were 
 ' There was a little Man, And he had a little 
 gun, And the bullets 
 
 " I know the rest," I interrupted. " But 
 would you say it long- — I mean the way that it 
 came out of the mangle ? " 
 
 "We'll get the Professor to sing it for you," 
 said Sylvie. " It would spoil it to say it." 
 
 " I would like to meet the Professor," I said. 
 " And I would like to take you all with me, 
 to see some friends of mine, that live near here. 
 Would you like to come ? " 
 
 " I don't think the Professor would like to 
 come," said Sylvie. " He's very shy. Butwe'd 
 like it very much. Only we'd better not come 
 this size, you know." 
 
 The difficulty had occurred to me already : 
 and I had felt that perhaps there ivould be a 
 
no BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 slight awkwardness in introducing two such 
 tiny friends into Society. " What size will you 
 be ? " I enquired. 
 
 "We'd better come as — common children," 
 Sylvie thoughtfully replied. " That's the easiest 
 size to manage." 
 
 " Could you come to-day ? " I said, thinking 
 " then we could have you at the picnic ! " 
 
 Sylvie considered a little. " Not to-day," 
 she replied. " We haven't got the things ready. 
 We'll come on — Tuesday next, if you like. 
 And now, really, Bruno, you must come and do 
 your lessons." 
 
 "I wiss oo wouldn't say 'really Bruno!' 
 the little fellow pleaded, with pouting lips that 
 made him look prettier than ever. "It always 
 shows there's something horrid coming! And 
 I won't kiss you, if you're so unkind." 
 
 "Ah, but you have kissed me! " Sylvie ex- 
 claimed in merry triumph. 
 
 " Well then, I'll ?«/kiss you ! " And he threw 
 his arms around her neck for this novel, but 
 apparently not very painful, operation. 
 
 "It's very like kissing. 1 " Sylvie remarked, 
 as soon as her lips were again free for speech. 
 
BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 " Oo don't know nuffin about it! It were 
 just the conkery ! " Bruno replied with much 
 severity, as he marched away, and began at 
 once 
 
 " There be three Badgei's on a mossy stone 
 Beside a dark and covered way : 
 Each dreams himself a monarch on his throne, 
 
 And so they stay and stay 
 
 Though their old Father languishes alone, 
 They stay, and stay, and stay. 
 
 " There be three Herrings loitering around, 
 Longing to share that mossy scat: 
 
ii2 BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 Each Herring tries to sing zvliat she lias found 
 That makes Life seem so sweet. 
 
 Thus, with a grating and uncertain sound, 
 They bleat, and bleat, and bleat. 
 
 " The Mother-Herring, on the salt sea-wave, 
 Sought vainly for her absent ones : 
 The Father-Badger, writhing in a cave, 
 Shrieked out ' Return, my sons ! 
 You shall have buns' he shrieked, ' if you' 11 behave ! 
 Yea, buns, and buns, and buns ! ' 
 
 " ' / fear.' said she, '■your sons have gone astray ? 
 My daughters left me while I slept! 
 ' Yes 'm,' the Badger said : ' it's as you say. 
 
 1 They should be better kept! 
 Thus the poor parents talked the time away, 
 And wept, and wept, and wept!' 
 
 Here Bruno broke off suddenly. " The 
 Herrings' Song wants anuvver tune, Sylvie," 
 he said. "And I can't sing it — not wizout oo 
 plays it for me ! " 
 
 Instantly Sylvie seated herself upon a tiny 
 mushroom, that happened to grow in front of a 
 daisy, as if it were the most ordinary musical 
 instrument in the world, and played on the 
 
BRUNO'S SONGS 113 
 
 petals as if they were the notes of an organ. 
 And such delicious tiny music it was ! Such 
 teeny-tiny music ! 
 
 Bruno held his head on one side, and listened 
 
 very gravely for a few moments until he had 
 caught the melody. Then the sweet childish 
 voice rang out once more :--- 
 
 " Oh, dear beyond our dearest dreams 
 Fairer than all that fairest seems ! 
 
 T 
 
114 BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 To feast the rosy hours away, 
 To revel in a roundelay ! 
 
 How blest would be 
 
 A life so free 
 
 Ipwergis- Pudding to consume, 
 And drink the subtle Azzigoom ! 
 
 " And if, in other days and hours, 
 Mid other fluffs and other flowers, 
 
 The choice were given me Jwiv to dine 
 
 ' Name what thou wilt : it shall be thine ! 
 
 Oh, then I see 
 
 The life -for me 
 
 Ipwergis-Pudding to consume, 
 And drink the subtle Azzigoom /" 
 
 " Oo may leave off playing now, Sylvie. 
 I can do the uvver tune much better wizout 
 a compliment." 
 
 "He means ' without accompaniment" " Sylvie 
 whispered, smiling at my puzzled look : and 
 she pretended to shut up the stops of the 
 orofan. 
 
 " The Badgers did not care to talk to Fish : 
 They did not dote on Herrings' songs: 
 
BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 u; 
 
n6 BRUNO'S SONGS 
 
 They never had experienced the disfi 
 
 To which that name belongs : 
 ' And oh, to pinch tJieir tails? {this was their zvish,) 
 
 ' With tongs, yea, tongs, and tongs ! ' 
 
 " ' And are not these the Fish, 1 the Eldest sighed, 
 ' Whose Mother dwells beneath the foam ?' 
 ' They are the Fish ! ' the Second one replied. 
 
 ' A nd they have left their home ! ' 
 ' Oh wicked Fish? the Youngest Badger cried, 
 ' To roam, yea, roam, and roam ! ' 
 
 " Gently the Badgers trotted to the shore 
 
 The sandy shore that fringed the bay : 
 
 Each in his moutli a living Herring bore 
 
 Those aged ones waxed gay : 
 Clear rang their voices through the oceans roar, 
 ' Hooray, hooray, hooray ! ' " 
 
 " So they all got safe home again," Bruno 
 said, after waiting a minute to see if / had 
 anything to say : he evidently felt that some 
 remark ouomt to be made. 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 OUTLAND 
 
 "The Professor is snoring like anything!" 
 cried Bruno. " Do wake up, you dear old 
 thing ! " And he and Sylvie set to work, 
 rolling the heavy head from side to side, as if 
 *Ms connection with the shoulders was a matter 
 of no sort of importance. 
 
 And at last the Professor opened his eyes, 
 and sat up, blinking at us with eyes of utter 
 bewilderment. " Would you have the kind- 
 ness to mention," he said, addressing me with 
 nis usual old-fashioned courtesy, "whereabouts 
 we are just now — and who we are, beginning 
 with me?" 
 
 I thought it best to begin with the children. 
 "This is Sylvie, Sir; and this is Bruno." 
 
I lS OUTLAND 
 
 " Ah, yes ! I know them well enough ! " the 
 old man murmured. " It's myself I'm most 
 anxious about. : 
 
 " Oo re the Professor ! ' " Bruno shouted in 
 his ear. " Didn't oo know that ? Oo've come 
 from Outlana / And it's ever so far away from 
 here ! " 
 
 The Protessor leapt to his feet with the 
 agility of a boy. "Then there's no time to 
 lose! " he exclaimed anxiously. " I'll just ask 
 this guileless peasant, with his brace of buckets 
 that contain (apparently) water, if he'll be so 
 kind as to direct us. Guileless peasant ! " he 
 proceeded in a louder voice. " Would you tell 
 us the wav to (Jutland ? " 
 
 The guileless peasant turned with a sheepish 
 grin. " Hey ? " was all he said. 
 
 " The —way — to — Outland ! " the Professor 
 repeated. 
 
 The guileless peasant set down his buckets 
 and considered. " Ah dunnot " 
 
 " I ought to mention," the Professor hastily 
 put in, "that whatever you say will be used in 
 evidence against you." 
 
 The guileless peasant instantly resumed his 
 
OUTLAND 119 
 
 buckets. " Then ah says nowt ! " he answered 
 briskly, and walked away at a great pace. 
 
 The children gazed sadly at the rapidly 
 vanishing figure. " He goes very quick ! " the 
 Professor said with a sigh. " But I know that 
 was the right thing to say. I've studied your 
 English Laws. However, let's ask this next 
 man that's coming. He is not guileless, and 
 he is not a peasant — but I don't know that 
 either point is of vital importance." 
 
 It, was, in fact, the Honourable Eric Lindon, 
 who was strolling leisurely up and down the 
 road outside the house, enjoying a solitary cigar. 
 
 " Might I trouble you, Sir, to tell us the 
 nearest way to Outland ! " Oddity as he was, 
 in outward appearance, the Professor was, in 
 that essential nature which no outward disguise 
 could conceal, a thorough gentleman. 
 
 And, as such, Eric Lindon accepted him in- 
 stantly. He took the cigar from his mouth, 
 and delicately shook off the ash, while he con- 
 sidered. " The name sounds strange to me," 
 he said. " I doubt if I can help you." 
 
 "It is not very far from Fairyland" the 
 Professor suggested. 
 
i2o OUTLAND 
 
 Eric Lindon's eye-brows were slightly raised 
 at these words, and an amused smile which he 
 courteously tried to repress, flitted across his 
 handsome face. "A trifle cracked /" he mut- 
 tered to himself. " But what a jolly old 
 patriarch it is ! " Then he turned to the 
 children. " And ca'n't you help him, little 
 folk ? " he said, with a gentleness of tone 
 that seemed to win their hearts at once. 
 " Surely you know all about it ? " 
 
 ' How many miles to Babylon ? 
 Three-score miles and ten. 
 Can I get there by candlelight ? 
 Yes, and back again ! ' " 
 
 To my surprise, Bruno ran forwards to him, 
 as if he were some old friend of theirs, seized 
 the disenofao-ed hand and hunof on to it with 
 both of his own : and there stood this tall 
 dignified officer in the middle of the road, 
 gravely swinging a little boy to and fro, while 
 Sylvie stood ready to push him, exactly as if 
 a real swing had suddenly been provided for 
 their pastime. 
 
OUTLAND 
 
 " We don't want to get to Babylon, oo know ! " 
 Bruno explained as he swung. 
 
 "And it isn't candlelight : it's daylight!" 
 Sylvie added, giving the swing a push of extra 
 
 vigour, which nearly took the whole machine 
 off its balance. 
 
 " How perfectly isochronous ! " the Professor 
 exclaimed with enthusiasm. He had his watch 
 in his hand, and was carefully counting" Bruno's 
 oscillations. " He measures time quite as ac- 
 curately as a pendulum ! " 
 
122 OUTLAND 
 
 "Yet even pendulums," the good-natured 
 young" soldier observed, as he carefully released 
 his hand from Bruno's grasp, " are not a, joy for 
 ever ! Come, that's enough for one bout, little 
 man ! Next time we meet, you shall have 
 another. Meanwhile you'd better take this 
 old gentleman to Queer Street, Number — ■ — " 
 
 " We'll find it ! " cried Bruno eagerly, as they 
 dragged the Professor away. 
 
 " We are much indebted to you ! " the Pro- 
 fessor said, looking over his shoulder. 
 
 "Don't mention it!" replied the officer, 
 raising his hat as a parting salute. 
 
 " What number did you say ! " the Professor 
 called from the distance. 
 
 The officer made a trumpet of his two hands. 
 " Forty ! " he shouted in stentorian tones. " And 
 not piano, by any means ! " he added to him- 
 self. "It's a mad world, my masters, a mad 
 world ! " He lit another cigar, and strolled 
 on towards his hotel. 
 
 "What a lovely evening!" I said, joining 
 him as he passed me. 
 
 " Lovely indeed," he said. " Wnere did you 
 come from ? Dropped from the clouds ? " 
 
(JUTLAND 123 
 
 " I'm strolling" your way," 1 said ; and no 
 further explanation seemed necessary. 
 
 " Have a cigar ? " 
 
 " Thanks : I'm not a smoker." 
 
 " Is there a Lunatic x'lsylum near here ? " 
 
 " Not that I know of." 
 
 " Thought there might be. Met a lunatic 
 just now. Queer old fish as ever I saw ! " 
 
 And so, in friendly chat, we took our home- 
 ward ways, and wished each other ' good-night ' 
 at the door of his hotel. 
 
 Left to myself, I felt the ' eerie ' feeling rush 
 over me again, and saw standing at the door 
 of Number Forty, the three figures I knew 
 so well. 
 
 "Then it's the wrono- house?" Bruno was 
 saying. 
 
 ' No, no ! It's the right housed the Pro- 
 fessor cheerfully replied: "but it's the wrong 
 street. T/iafs where we've made our mistake ! 
 Our best plan, now, will be to " 
 
 It was over. The street was empty. Com- 
 monplace life was around me, and the ' eerie ' 
 feeline had fled. 
 
CHAPTER XIII 
 
 I'HLIZZ 
 
 Ox the Tuesday, as I took a long stroll by 
 myself I passed the Station just as the 
 afternoon-train came in sight, and sauntered 
 down the stairs to see it come in. But there 
 was little to gratify my idle curiosity : and, 
 when the train was empty, and the platform 
 clear, I found it was about time to be moving 
 on, if I meant to reach the Hall by five. 
 
 As I approached the end of the platform, 
 from which a steep irregular wooden staircase 
 conducted to the upper world, I noticed two 
 passengers, who had evidently arrived by the 
 train, but who, oddly enough, had entirely 
 escaped my notice, though the arrivals had 
 
PHLIZZ 125 
 
 been so few. They were a young woman and 
 a little girl : the former, so far as one could 
 judge by appearances, was a nursemaid, or 
 possibly a nursery governess, in attendance on 
 the child, whose refined face, even more than 
 her dress, distinguished her as of a higher class 
 than her companion. 
 
 The child's face was refined, but it was also 
 a worn and sad one, and told a tale (or so I 
 seemed to read it) of much illness and suffer- 
 ing, sweetly and patiently borne. She had a 
 little crutch to help herself along with : and 
 she was now standing, looking wistfully up 
 the long staircase, and apparently waiting- 
 till she could muster courage to begin the 
 toilsome ascent. 
 
 " May I carry the little girl up the stairs? " I 
 asked. 
 
 The servant paused, doubtfully glancing from 
 her charge to me, and then back again to the 
 child. " Would you like it, dear ?" she asked 
 her. But no such doubt appeared to cross the 
 child's mind : she lifted her arms eagerly to be 
 taken up. " Please ! " was all she said, while 
 a faint smile flickered on the weary little face. 
 
126 
 
 PHLIZZ 
 
 I took her up with scrupulous care, and her 
 little arm was at once clasped trustfully round 
 
 my neck. 
 
 She was a very 
 light weight — so 
 light, in fact, that 
 the ridiculous idea 
 crossed my mind 
 that it was rather 
 easier going up, 
 with her in my 
 arms, than it would 
 have been without 
 her : and, when we 
 reached the road 
 above, with its 
 cart-ruts and loose 
 stones — all formid- 
 able obstacles for a lame child — I found that I 
 had said " I'd better carry her over this rough 
 place," before I had formed any mental con- 
 nection between its roughness and my gentle 
 little burden. " Indeed, it's troubling you too 
 much. Sir!" the maid exclaimed. "She can 
 walk very well on the flat." But the arm, that 
 
PHLIZZ 127 
 
 was twined about my neck, clung just an atom 
 more closely at the suggestion, and decided me 
 to say "She's no weight, really. I'll carry her 
 a little further. I'm going your way." 
 
 The nurse raised no further objection : and 
 the next speaker was a ragged little boy, with 
 bare feet, and a broom over his shoulder, who 
 ran across the road, and pretended to sweep 
 the perfectly dry road in front of us. " Give 
 us a 'ap'ny ! " the little urchin pleaded, with a 
 broad grin on his dirty face. 
 
 " Dont give him a ap'ny!" said the little 
 lady in my arms. The words sounded harsh : 
 but the tone was gentleness itself. " He's an 
 idle little boy ! " And she laughed a laugh of 
 such silvery sweetness as I had never yet heard 
 from any lips but Sylvie's. To my astonish- 
 ment, the boy actually joined in the laugh, as 
 if there were some subtle sympathy between 
 them, as he ran away down the road and 
 vanished through a gap in the hedge. 
 
 But he was back in a few moments, having 
 discarded his broom and provided himself, 
 from some mysterious source, with an exquisite 
 bounuet of flowers. " Buy a posy, buy a 
 
128 PHLIZZ 
 
 posy ! Only a 'ap'ny ! " he chanted, with the 
 melancholy drawl of a professional beggar. 
 
 " Dorit buy it!" was Her Majesty's edict 
 as she looked down, with a lofty scorn that 
 seemed curiously mixed with tender interest, 
 on the ra^o-ed creature at her feet. 
 
 But this time I turned rebel, and ignored 
 the royal commands. Such lovely flowers, and 
 of forms so entirely new to me, were not to 
 be abandoned at the bidding of any little maid, 
 however imperious. I bought the bouquet : 
 and the little boy, after popping the halfpenny 
 into his mouth, turned head-over-heels, as if 
 to ascertain whether the human mouth is really 
 adapted to serve as a money-box. 
 
 With wonder, that increased every moment, 
 I turned over the flowers, and examined them 
 one by one : there was not a single one among 
 them that I could remember having ever seen 
 before. At last I turned to the nursemaid. 
 " Do these flowers grow wild about here ? I 
 
 never saw " but the speech died away on 
 
 my lips. The nursemaid had vanished ! 
 
 "You can put me down, now, if you like," 
 Sylvie quietly remarked. 
 
PHLIZZ 129 
 
 I obeyed in silence, and could only ask my- 
 self " Is this a dream ?", on finding Sylvie and 
 Bruno walking one on either side of me, and 
 clinging to my hands with the ready confidence 
 of childhood. 
 
 "You're larger than when I saw you last!" 
 I began. " Really I think we ought to be 
 introduced again ! There's so much of you 
 that I never met before, you know." 
 
 " Very well ! " Sylvie merrily replied. " This 
 is Bruno. It doesn't take long. He's only 
 eot one name ! " 
 
 " There's another name to me!" Bruno 
 protested, with a reproachful look at the 
 Mistress of the Ceremonies. " And it's — 
 ' Esquire ' / " 
 
 "Oh, of course. I forgot," said Sylvie 
 " Bruno — Esquire ! " 
 
 "And did you come here to meet me, my 
 children ? " I enquired. 
 
 "You know I said we'd come on Tuesday," 
 Sylvie explained. " Are we the proper size for 
 common children ? " 
 
 "Quite the right size for children" I replied, 
 (adding mentally " though not common children, 
 
 K 
 
130 PHLIZZ 
 
 by any means ! ") " But ( what became of the 
 nursemaid ? " 
 
 "It are gone ! " Bruno solemnly replied. 
 
 ■' Then it wasn't solid, like Sylvie and you ? " 
 
 "No. Oo couldn't touch it, oo know. If oo 
 walked at it, oo'd go right froo ! " 
 
 " I quite expected you'd find it out, once," 
 said Sylvie. " Bruno ran it against a tele- 
 graph post, by accident. And it went in two 
 halves. But you were looking the other way." 
 
 I felt that I had indeed missed an opportu- 
 nity : to witness such an event as a nursemaid 
 going ' in two halves ' does not occur twice in a 
 life-time ! 
 
 " When did oo guess it were Sylvie ? " Bruno 
 enquired. 
 
 " I didn't guess it, till it was Sylvie," I said. 
 " But how did you manage the nursemaid ? " 
 
 "Bruno managed it," said Sylvie. "It's 
 called a Phlizz." 
 
 " And how do you make a Phlizz, Bruno ? " 
 
 " The Professor teached me how," said Bruno. 
 " First oo takes a lot of air " 
 
 " Oh, Bruno / " Sylvie interposed. " The Pro- 
 fessor said you weren't to tell ! " 
 
PHLIZZ 
 
 131 
 
 " But who did her voice ? " I asked. 
 ' Indeed it's troubling you too much, Sir ! 
 She can walk very well on the flat." 
 
 Bruno laughed merrily as I turned hastily 
 from side to side, looking in all directions for 
 the speaker. "That were me!" he gleefully 
 proclaimed, in his own voice. 
 
 k 2 
 
132 PHLIZZ 
 
 " She can indeed walk very well on the flat,' 
 I said. "And I think /was the Flat." 
 
 By this time we were near the Hall. " This 
 is where my friends live," I said. " Will you 
 come in and have some tea with them ? " 
 
 Bruno gave a little jump of joy : and Sylvie 
 said " Yes, please. You'd like some tea, Bruno, 
 wouldn't you? He hasn't tasted tea," she ex- 
 plained to me, "since we left Outland." 
 
 " And that weren't good tea ! " said Bruno. 
 "It were so welly weak ! " 
 
 Lady Muriel's smile of welcome could not 
 quite conceal the look of surprise with which 
 she regarded my new companions. 
 
 I presented them in due form. "This is 
 Sylvie, Lady Muriel. And this is Bruno." 
 
 ' Any surname ? " she enquired, her eyes 
 twinkling with fun. 
 
 " No," I said gravely. " No surname." 
 
 She laughed, evidently thinking I said it 
 in fun ; and stooped to kiss the children — 
 a salute to which Bruno submitted with reluc- 
 tance : Sylvie returned it with interest. 
 
 While she supplied the children with tea and 
 cake, 1 tried to engage her Father, the Earl, in 
 
PHLIZZ 133 
 
 conversation : but he was restless and distrait, 
 and we made little progress. At last, by a 
 sudden question, he betrayed the cause of his 
 disquiet. 
 
 " Would you let me look at those flowers you 
 have in your hand ? " 
 
 " Willingly ! " I said, handing him the bou- 
 quet. Botany was, I knew, a favourite study of 
 his : and these flowers were to me so entirely 
 new and mysterious, that I was really curious 
 to see what a botanist would say of them. 
 
 They did not diminish his disquiet. On the 
 contrary, he became every moment more ex- 
 cited as he turned them over. " These are all 
 from Central India! " he said, laying aside part 
 of the bouquet. " They are rare, even there : 
 and I have never seen them in any other part 
 of the world. These two are Mexican — This 
 one — " (He rose hastily, and carried it to the 
 window, to examine it in a better light, the 
 flush of excitement mounting to his very fore- 
 head) " is, I am nearly sure — but I have 
 
 a book of Indian Botany here " He took a 
 
 volume from the book-shelves, and turned the 
 leaves with trembling fingers. " Yes ! Com- 
 
134 PHLIZZ 
 
 pare it with this picture! It is the exact 
 duplicate ! This is the flower of the Upas- 
 tree, which usually grows only in the depths 
 of forests ; and the flower fades so quickly 
 after being plucked, that it is scarcely possible 
 to keep its form or colour even so far as the 
 outskirts of the forest ! Yet this is in full 
 bloom ! Where did you get these flowers ? " 
 he added with breathless eagerness. 
 
 I glanced at Sylvie, who, gravely and silently, 
 laid her finger on her lips, then beckoned to 
 Bruno to follow her, and ran out into the 
 garden ; and I found myself in the position of 
 a defendant whose two most important wit- 
 nesses have been suddenly taken away. " Let 
 me give you the flowers ! " I stammered out 
 at last, quite ' at my wit's end ' as to how to 
 get out of the difficulty. "You know much 
 more about them than I do ! " 
 
 "I accept them most gratefully! But you 
 
 have not yet told me " the Earl was 
 
 beginning, when we were interrupted, to 
 my great relief, by the arrival of Eric 
 Lindon. 
 
 "We made our adieux, and escaped, while the 
 
PHLIZZ 135 
 
 Earl was still absorbed in examining the mys- 
 terious bouquet. 
 
 Lady Muriel accompanied us to the door. 
 
 " You couldrit have given my father a more 
 acceptable present!" she said, warmly. "He 
 is so passionately fond of Botany. I'm afraid 
 / know nothing of the theory of it, but I keep 
 his Hortus Siccus in order. I must get some 
 sheets of blotting-paper, and dry these new 
 treasures for him before they fade." 
 
 " That won't be no good at all ! " said Bruno, 
 who was waiting for us in the garden. 
 
 " Why won't it ? " said I. " You know I had 
 to give the flowers, to stop questions." 
 
 " Yes, it ca'n't be helped," said Sylvie : "but 
 they will be sorry when they find them gone ! " 
 
 " But how will they go ? " 
 
 "Well, I don't know how. But they will go. 
 The nosegay was only a Phlizz, you know. 
 Bruno made it up." 
 
 The bouquet vanished, as Sylvie had pre- 
 dicted ; and when, a day or two afterwards, I 
 once more visited the Hall, I found the Earl and 
 his daughter, with the old housekeeper, out in 
 
136 PHLIZZ 
 
 the garden, examining the fastenings of the 
 drawing-room window. 
 
 "We are holding an Inquest," Lady Muriel 
 said, advancing to meet me: "and we admit 
 you as Accessory before the Fact, to tell us all 
 you know about those flowers." 
 
 "The Accessory before the Fact declines to 
 answer any questions," I gravely replied. "And 
 he reserves his defence." 
 
 " Well then, turn Queen's Evidence, please ! 
 The flowers have disappeared in the night," 
 she went on, " and we are quite sure no one in 
 the house has meddled with them. Somebody 
 must have entered by the window " 
 
 " But the fastenings have not been tampered 
 with," said the Earl. 
 
 "It must have been while you were dining, 
 my Lady," said the housekeeper. 
 
 "That was it," said the Earl. "The thief 
 must have seen you bring the flowers," turning 
 to me, " and have noticed that you did not take 
 them away. And he must have known their 
 great value — they are simply priceless ! " he 
 exclaimed, in sudden excitement. 
 
PHLIZZ 137 
 
 " And you never told us how you got them ! " 
 said Lady Muriel. 
 
 " Some day," I stammered, " I may be free 
 to tell you. Just now, would you excuse me?" 
 
 The Earl looked disappointed, but kindly 
 said "Very well, we will ask no questions." 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 DINDLEDUMS 
 
 " In that case — " Lady Muriel began, but 
 suddenly started, and turned away to listen. 
 " Don't you hear him ? " she said. " He's cry- 
 ing. We must go to him, somehow." 
 
 And I said to myself "That's very strange! 
 I quite thought it was Lady Muriel talking to 
 me. Why, it's Sylvie all the while ! " 
 
 " Hush ! I must think," said Sylvie. " I 
 could go to him, by myself, well enough. But 
 I wantjy<w to come too." 
 
 The door opened, and the Professor looked 
 out. "What's that crying I heard just now?" 
 he asked. " Is it a human animal ? " 
 
 " It's a boy," Sylvie said. 
 
DINDLEDUMS 139 
 
 "I'm afraid you've been teasing him ? " 
 
 " No, indeed I haven't ! " Sylvie said, very 
 earnestly. " I never tease him ! " 
 
 "Well, I must ask the Other Professor 
 about it." He went back into the study, and 
 we heard him whispering "small human ani- 
 mal — says she hasn't been teasing him — the 
 kind that's called Boy " 
 
 " Ask her which Boy," said a new voice. 
 The Professor came out a^ain. 
 
 " Which Boy is it that you haven't been 
 teasing ? " 
 
 Sylvie looked at me with twinkling eyes. 
 "You dear old thing!" she exclaimed, stand- 
 ing on tiptoe to kiss him, while he gravely 
 stooped to receive the salute. " How you do 
 puzzle me ! Why, there are several boys I 
 haven't been teasing ! " 
 
 The Professor returned to his friend : and 
 this time the voice said " Tell her to bring them 
 here — all of them ! " 
 
 " I ca'n't, and I wo'n't ! " Sylvie exclaimed, the 
 moment he reappeared. " It's Bruno that's 
 crying : and he's my brother. 
 
 The Professor went before us to unlock the 
 
140 
 
 DINDLEDUMS 
 
 Ivory Door, and locked it behind us. Bruno 
 was standing with his hands over his face, cry- 
 ing bitterly. 
 
 "What's the matter, darling?" said Sylvie, 
 with her arms round his neck. 
 
 " Hurted mine self welly much ! " sobbed 
 the poor little fellow. 
 
DINDLEDUMS 141 
 
 "I'm so sorry, darling ! How ever did you 
 manage to hurt yourself so ? " 
 
 " Course I managed it ! " said Bruno, laughing 
 through his tears. " Doos 00 think nobody else 
 but 00 can manage things ? " 
 
 Matters were looking distinctly brighter 
 now Bruno had begun to argue. "Come, 
 let's hear all about it ! " I said. 
 
 " My foot took it into its head to slip — " 
 Bruno began. 
 
 " A foot hasn't got a head!" Sylvie put in, 
 but all in vain. 
 
 " I slipted down the bank. And I tripted 
 over a stone. And the stone hurted my foot ! 
 And I trod on a Bee. And the Bee stinged 
 my finger!" Poor Bruno sobbed again. The 
 complete list of woes was too much for his 
 feelings. " And it knewed I didn't mean to 
 trod on it ! " he added, as the climax. 
 
 "That Bee should be ashamed of itself!" 
 I said severely, and Sylvie hugged and kissed 
 the wounded hero till all tears were dried. 
 
 " My finger's quite unstung now ! " said 
 Bruno. " Why does there be stones? Mister 
 Sir, doos 00 know ? " 
 
142 DINDLEDUMS 
 
 " They're good for something" I said : " even 
 if we don't know what. What's the good of 
 dandelions, now ? " 
 
 "Dindledums?" said Bruno. "Oh, they're 
 ever so pretty ! And stones aren't pretty, one bit. 
 Would oo like some dindledums, Mister Sir? " 
 
 " Bruno ! " Sylvie murmured reproachfully. 
 " You mustn't say ' Mister ' and ' Sir,' both at 
 once ! Remember what I told you ! " 
 
 "You telledme I were to say ' Mister' when 
 I spoked about him, and I were to say ' Sir ' 
 when I spoked to him ! " 
 
 " Well, you're not doing both, you know." 
 
 "Ah, but I is doing bofe, Miss Praticular ! " 
 Bruno exclaimed triumphantly. " I wishted to 
 speak about the Gemplun — and I wishted to 
 speak to the Gemplun. So a course I said 
 ' Mister Sir'!" 
 
 "That's all right, Bruno," I said. 
 
 " Course it's all right ! " said Bruno. " Sylvie 
 just knows nuffin at all ! " 
 
 "There never was an impertinenter boy!" 
 said Sylvie, frowning till her bright eyes were 
 nearly invisible. 
 
 "And there never was an ignoranter girl!" 
 
DINDLEDUMS 143 
 
 retorted Bruno. " Come along and pick some 
 dindledums. That's all she s fit for ! " he 
 added in a very loud whisper to me. 
 
 " But why do you say ' Dindledums,' Bruno ? 
 Dandelions is the right word." 
 
 "It's because he jumps about so," Sylvie 
 said, laughing. 
 
 "Yes, that's it," Bruno assented. "Sylvie 
 tells me the words, and then, when I jump 
 about, they get shooken up in my head — till 
 they're all froth ! " 
 
 I expressed myself as perfectly satisfied with 
 this explanation. " But aren't you going to pick 
 me any dindledums, after all ? " 
 
 " Course we will ! " cried Bruno. " Come 
 along, Sylvie ! " And the happy children raced 
 away, bounding over the turf with the fleetness 
 and grace of young antelopes. 
 
 "We could only but find six dindledums," 
 said Bruno, putting them into my hands, 
 " 'cause Sylvie said it were time to go back. 
 And here's a big blackberry for ooself ! We 
 couldn't only find but two ! " 
 
 " Thank you : it's very nice," I said. " And 
 I suppose you ate the other, Bruno ? " 
 
144 DINDLEDUMS 
 
 " No, I didn't," Bruno said, carelessly. 
 " Arerit they pretty dindledums, Mister Sir ?" 
 
 " Yes, very : but what makes you limp so, 
 my child ? " 
 
 "Mine foot's come hurted again!" Bruno 
 mournfully replied. And he sat down on the 
 ground, and began nursing it. 
 
 " Shall I go and get you some blackberries, 
 darling ? " Sylvie whispered, with her arms 
 round his neck ; and she kissed away a tear 
 that was trickling down his cheek. 
 
 Bruno brightened up in a moment. " That 
 are a good plan ! " he exclaimed. " I thinks my 
 foot would come quite unhurted, if I eated a 
 blackberry — two or three blackberries — six 
 or seven blackberries -" 
 
 Sylvie got up hastily. " I'd better go," she 
 said, aside to me, "before he gets into the 
 double figures ! " 
 
 " Let me come and help you," I said. " I 
 can reach higher up than you can." 
 
 " Yes, please," said Sylvie, putting her hand 
 into mine : and we walked off together. 
 
 " Bruno loves blackberries," she said, as we 
 paced slowly along by a tall hedge, that looked 
 
DINDLEDUMS 145 
 
 a promising place for them, " and it was so sweet 
 of him to make me eat the only one ! " 
 
 " Oh, it was you that ate it, then ? Bruno 
 didn't seem to like to tell me about it." 
 
 "No; I saw that," said Sylvie. "He's 
 always afraid of being praised. But he made 
 me eat it, really ! 
 
CHAPTER XV 
 
 FROGS TREAT 
 
 Just a week after the day when my Fairy- 
 friends first appeared as Children, I found my- 
 self taking a farewell-stroll through the wood, 
 in the hope of meeting them once more. 
 I had but to stretch myself on the smooth 
 turf, and the ' eerie ' feeling was on me in a 
 moment. 
 
 " Put oor ear welly low down," said Bruno, 
 "and I'll tell oo a secret! It's the Frogs' 
 Birthday-Treat — and we've lost the Baby ! " 
 
 " What Baby ? " I said, quite bewildered by 
 this complicated piece of news. 
 
 " The Queens Baby, a course ! " said Bruno. 
 
FROGS' TREAT 147 
 
 " Titania's Baby. And we's welly sorry. Sylvie, 
 she's — oh so sorry ! " 
 
 " How sorry is she ? " I asked, mischievously. 
 
 "Three-quarters of a yard," Bruno replied 
 with perfect solemnity. " And Tm a little 
 sorry too," he added, shutting his eyes so as 
 not to see that he was smiling. 
 
 "And what are you doing about the 
 Baby ? " 
 
 "Well, the soldiers are all looking for it — up 
 and down — everywhere." 
 
 " The soldiers?" I exclaimed. 
 
 " Yes, a course ! " said Bruno. " When there's 
 no fighting to be done, the soldiers does any 
 little odd jobs, 00 know." 
 
 I was amused at the idea of its being a 
 'little odd job ' to find the Royal Baby. " But 
 how did you come to lose it ? " I asked. 
 
 " We put it in a flower," Sylvie, who had 
 just joined us, explained with her eyes full of 
 tears. " Only we ca'n't remember which ! " 
 
 " She says us put it in a flower," Bruno inter- 
 rupted, " 'cause she doosn't want / to get 
 punished. But it were really me what put it 
 there. Sylvie were picking Dindledums." 
 
 l 2 
 
148 
 
 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 " You shouldn't 
 say ' us put it in 
 
 a flower,'" Sylvie very 
 gravely remarked. 
 
 " Well, kus, then," said 
 Bruno. " I never can re- 
 member those horrid H's ! " 
 
 " Let me help you to look 
 for it," I said. So Sylvie 
 and I made a ' voyage of 
 discovery ' among all the 
 flowers ; but there was no 
 Baby to be seen. 
 
 "What's become of 
 Bruno ? ' I said, when we 
 had completed our tour. 
 
 " He's down in the ditch 
 there," said Sylvie, "amus- 
 ing a young Frog." 
 
FROGS' TREAT 149 
 
 I went down on my hands and knees to look 
 for him, for I felt very curious to know how 
 young Frogs ought to be amused. After a 
 minute's search, I found him sitting at the edge 
 of the ditch, by the side of the little Frog, and 
 looking rather disconsolate. 
 
 " How are you getting on, Bruno ? " I said, 
 nodding to him as he looked up. 
 
 " Ca'n't amuse it no more," Bruno answered, 
 very dolefully, " 'cause it won't say what it 
 would like to do next ! I've showed it all the 
 duck-weeds — and a live caddis-worm — but it 
 won't say nuffin ! What — would 00 — like?" 
 he shouted into the ear of the Frog : but the 
 little creature sat quite still, and took no notice 
 of him. " It's deaf, I think ! " Bruno said, turn- 
 ing away with a sigh. " And it's time to get the 
 Theatre ready." 
 
 " Who are the audience to be ? " 
 
 "Only but Frogs," said Bruno. "But they 
 haven't corned yet. They wants to be drove up, 
 like sheep." 
 
 " Would it save time," I suggested, " if / 
 were to walk round with Sylvie, and drive up the 
 Frogs, while you get the Theatre ready ? " 
 
150 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 " That are a good plan ! " cried Bruno. " But 
 where are Sylvie ? " 
 
 " I'm here ! " said Sylvie, peeping - over the 
 edge of the bank. "I was just watching two 
 Frog's that were having a race." 
 
 " Which won it ? " Bruno eagerly enquired. 
 
 Sylvie was puzzled. "He doesa.sk such hard 
 questions ! " she confided to me. 
 
 "And what's to happen in the Theatre?" I 
 asked. 
 
 " First they have their Birthday-Feast," 
 Sylvie said: "then Bruno does some Bits of 
 Shakespeare ; then he tells them a Story." 
 
 " I should think the Frogs like the Feast 
 best. Don't they ? " 
 
 "Well, there's generally very few of them 
 that get any. They will keep their mouths 
 shut so tight ! And it's just as well they do" 
 she added, "because Bruno likes to cook it 
 himself: and he cooks very queerly. Now 
 they're all in. Would you just help me to 
 put them with their heads the right way ? " 
 
 We soon managed this part of the business, 
 though the Frogs kept up a most discontented 
 croaking all the time. 
 
FROGS' TREAT 151 
 
 " What are they saying? " I asked Sylvie. 
 
 " They're saying 'Fork! Fork!' It's very 
 silly of them ! You're not going to have 
 forks!" she announced- with some severity. 
 " Those that want any Feast have just got to 
 open their mouths, and Bruno'll put some 
 of it in ! " 
 
 At this moment Bruno appeared, wearing a 
 little white apron to show that he was a Cook, 
 and carrying a tureen full of very queer-looking 
 soup. I watched very carefully as he moved 
 about amonsf the Frog's ; but I could not see 
 that any of them opened their mouths to be fed 
 — except one very young one, and I'm nearly 
 sure it did it accidentally, in yawning. How- 
 ever Bruno instantly put a large spoonful of 
 soup into its mouth, and the poor little thing 
 coughed violently for some time. 
 
 So Sylvie and I had to share the soup 
 between us, and to pretend to enjoy it, for it 
 certainly was very queerly cooked. 
 
 I only ventured to take one spoonful of it 
 (" Sylvie's Summer-Soup," Bruno said it was), 
 and must candidly confess that it was not at 
 all nice ; and I could not feel surprised that 
 
152 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 so many of the guests had kept their mouths 
 shut up tight. 
 
 " What's the soup made of, Bruno ? " said 
 Sylvie, who had put a spoonful of it to her lips, 
 and was making a wry face over it. 
 
 And Bruno's answer was anything but en- 
 courao'inor " Bits of things ! " 
 
 The entertainment was to conclude with 
 " Bits of Shakespeare," as Sylvie expressed it, 
 which were all to be done by Bruno, Sylvie 
 being fully engaged in making the. Frogs keep 
 their heads towards the stage : after which 
 Bruno was to appear in his real character, and 
 tell them a Story of his own invention. 
 
 "Will the Story have a Moral to it?" I 
 asked Sylvie, while Bruno was away behind 
 the hed^e, dressing for the first ' Bit.' 
 
 " 1 think so," Sylvie replied doubtfully. 
 " There generally is a Moral, only he puts it 
 in too soon." 
 
 "And will he say all the Bits of Shake- 
 speare ? " 
 
 " No, he'll only act them," said Sylvie. " He 
 knows hardly any of the words. When I see 
 what he's dressed like, I've to tell the Frogs 
 
FROGS' TREAT 153 
 
 what character it is. They're always in such 
 a hurry to guess ! Don't you hear them all 
 saying ' What ? What ? ' ' And so indeed they 
 were : it had only sounded like croaking, till 
 Sylvie explained it, but I could now make 
 out the " Wawt ? Wawt ? " quite distinctly. 
 
 " But why do they try to guess it before they 
 see it ? " 
 
 "I don't know," Sylvie said: "but they 
 always do. Sometimes they begin guessing 
 weeks and weeks before the day ! " 
 
 However, the chorus of guessing was cut 
 short by Bruno, who suddenly rushed on from 
 behind the scenes, and took a flying leap down 
 among the Frogs, to re-arrange them. 
 
 For the oldest and fattest Frog — who had 
 never been properly arranged so that he could 
 see the stage, and so had no idea what was 
 going on — was getting restless, and had upset 
 several of the Frogs, and turned others round 
 with their heads the wrong way. And it was 
 no good at all, Bruno said, to do a ' Bit' of 
 Shakespeare when there was nobody to look 
 at it (you see he didn't count me as anybody). 
 So he set to work with a stick, stirring them 
 
154 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 up, very much as you would stir up tea in a 
 cup, till most of them had at least one great 
 stupid eye gazing at the stage. 
 
 " Oo must come and sit among them, Sylvie," 
 he said in despair, " I've put these two side-by- 
 side, with their noses the same way, ever so 
 many times, but they do squarrel so ! " 
 
 So Sylvie took her place as ' Mistress of the 
 Ceremonies,' and Bruno vanished again behind 
 the scenes, to dress for the first ' Bit.' 
 
 " Hamlet ! " was suddenly proclaimed, in the 
 clear sweet tones I knew so well. The croak- 
 ing all ceased in a moment, and I turned to 
 the stage, in some curiosity to see what Bruno's 
 ideas were as to the behaviour of Shakespeare's 
 greatest Character. 
 
 According to this eminent interpreter of the 
 Drama, Hamlet wore a short black cloak 
 (which he chiefly used for muffling up his face, 
 as if he suffered a good deal from toothache), 
 and turned out his toes very much as he 
 walked. " To be or not to be ! " Hamlet 
 remarked in a cheerful tone, and then turned 
 head-over-heels several times, his cloak drop- 
 ping off in the performance. 
 
FROGS' TREAT 155 
 
 I felt a little disappointed : Bruno's con- 
 ception of the part seemed so wanting in 
 dignity. "Won't he say any more of the 
 speech ? " I whispered to Sylvie. 
 
 " I think not," Sylvie whispered in reply. 
 "He generally turns head-over-heels when he 
 doesn't know any more words." 
 
 Bruno had meanwhile settled the question 
 by disappearing from the stage ; and the Frogs 
 instantly began enquiring the name of the next 
 Character. 
 
 "You'll know directly!" cried Sylvie, as she 
 adjusted two or three young Frogs that had 
 struggled round with their backs to the stage. 
 " Macbeth ! " she added, as Bruno re-appeared. 
 
 Macbeth had something twisted round him, 
 that went over one shoulder and under the 
 other arm, and was meant, I believe, for a 
 Scotch plaid. He had a thorn in his hand, 
 which he held out at arm's length, as if he 
 were a little afraid of it. " Is this a dagger? " 
 Macbeth enquired, in a puzzled sort of tone : 
 and instantly a chorus of " Thorn ! Thorn ! " 
 arose from the Frogs (I had quite learned to 
 understand their croaking by this time). 
 
156 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 "It's a dagger!" Sylvie proclaimed in a 
 peremptory tone. " Hold your tongues ! " And 
 the croaking ceased at once. 
 
 Shakespeare has not told us, so far as I 
 know, that Macbeth had any such eccentric 
 habit as turning head-over-heels in private 
 life : but Bruno evidently considered it quite 
 an essential part of the character, and left the 
 stage in a series of somersaults. However, 
 he was back a^ain in a few moments, having- 
 tucked under his chin the end of a tuft of 
 wool (probably left on the thorn by a wan- 
 dering sheep), which made a magnificent beard, 
 that reached nearly down to his feet. 
 
 " Shylock ! " Sylvie proclaimed. " No, I beg 
 your pardon ! " she hastily corrected herself, 
 " King Lear ! I hadn't noticed the crown." 
 (Bruno had very cleverly provided one, which 
 fitted him exactly, by cutting out the centre 
 of a dandelion to make room for his head.) 
 
 King Lear folded his arms (to the imminent 
 peril of his beard) and said, in a mild explana- 
 tory tone, "Ay, every inch a king! " and then 
 paused, as if to consider how this could best be 
 proved. And here, with all possible deference 
 
FROGS' TREAT 
 
 157 
 
158 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 to Bruno as a Shakespearian critic, I must 
 express my opinion that the poet did not mean 
 his three great tragic heroes to be so strangely 
 alike in their personal habits ; nor do I believe 
 that he would have accepted the faculty of 
 turning head-over-heels as any proof at all of 
 royal descent. Yet it appeared that King 
 Lear, after deep meditation, could think of no 
 other argument by which to prove his kingship : 
 and as this was the last of the ' Bits ' of 
 Shakespeare ("We never do more than three^ 
 Sylvie explained in a whisper), Bruno gave the 
 audience quite a long series of somersaults 
 before he finally retired, leaving the enraptured 
 Frogs all crying out " More ! More ! " which I 
 suppose was their way of encoring a perform- 
 ance. But Bruno wouldn't appear again, till 
 the proper time came for telling the Story. 
 
 When he appeared at last in his real character, 
 I noticed a remarkable change in his behaviour. 
 He tried no more somersaults. It was clearly 
 his opinion that, however suitable the habit of 
 turning head-over-heels might be to such petty 
 individuals as Hamlet and King Lear, it would 
 never do for Bruno to sacrifice his dignity to 
 
FROGS' TREAT 159 
 
 such an extent. But it was equally clear that 
 he did not feel entirely at his ease, standing all 
 alone on the stage, with no costume to disguise 
 him : and though he began, several times, 
 " There were a Mouse — ," he kept glancing 
 up and down, and on all sides, as if in search of 
 more comfortable quarters from which to tell 
 the Story. Standing on one side of the stage, 
 and partly overshadowing it, was a tall fox- 
 glove, which seemed, as the evening breeze 
 gently swayed it hither and thither, to offer 
 exactly the sort of accommodation that the 
 orator desired. Having once decided on his 
 quarters, it needed only a second or two for 
 him to run up the stem like a tiny squirrel, and 
 to seat himself astride on the topmost bend, 
 where the fairy-bells clustered most closely, 
 and from whence he could look down on his 
 audience from such a height that all shyness 
 vanished, and he began his Story merrily. 
 
 "Once there were a Mouse and a Crocodile 
 and a Man and a Goat and a Lion." I had 
 never heard the ' dramatis personam ' tumbled 
 into a story with such profusion and in such 
 reckless haste ; and it fairly took my breath 
 
160 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 away. Even Sylvie gave a little gasp, and 
 allowed three of the Frogs, who seemed to be 
 getting tired of the entertainment, to hop 
 away into the ditch, without attempting to 
 stop them. 
 
 " And the Mouse found a Shoe, and it thought 
 it were a Mouse-trap. So it got right in, and it 
 stayed in ever so long." 
 
 "Why did it stay in?" said Sylvie. Her 
 function seemed to be much the same as that 
 of the Chorus in a Greek Play : she had to 
 encourage the orator, and draw him out, by a 
 series of intelligent questions. 
 
 " 'Cause it thought it couldn't get out again," 
 Bruno explained. "It were a clever mouse. 
 It knew it couldn't get out of traps ! " 
 
 " But why did it go in at all ? " said Sylvie. 
 
 " — and it jamp, and it jamp," Bruno pro- 
 ceeded, ignoring this question, "and at last it 
 o-ot risfht out again. And it looked at the mark 
 in the Shoe. And the Man's name were in it. 
 So it knew it wasn't its own Shoe." 
 
 " Had it thought it was?." said Sylvie. 
 
 "Why, didn't I tell oo it thought it were a 
 Mouse-trap ? " the indignant orator replied, 
 
FROGS' TREAT 161 
 
 " Please, Mister Sir, will oo make Sylvie at- 
 tend ? " Sylvie was silenced, and was all atten- 
 tion : in fact, she and I were most of the audi- 
 ence now, as the Frogs kept hopping away, 
 and there were very few of them left. 
 
 " So the Mouse gave the Man his Shoe. 
 And the Man were welly glad, 'cause he hadn't 
 got but one Shoe, and he were hopping to get 
 the other." 
 
 Here I ventured on a question. " Do you 
 mean ' hopping,' or ' hoping ' ? " 
 
 " Bofe," said Bruno. " And the Man took 
 the Goat out of the Sack." (" We haven't heard 
 of the sack before," I said. " Nor you won't 
 hear of it again," said Bruno.) "And he said 
 to the Goat, ' Oo will walk about here till I 
 comes back.' And he went and he tumbled 
 into a deep hole. And the Goat walked round 
 and round. And it walked under the Tree. 
 And it wug its tail. And it looked up in the 
 Tree. And it sano- a sad little Song-. Oo 
 never heard such a sad little Song ! " 
 
 "Can you sing it, Bruno?" I asked. 
 
 " Iss, I can," Bruno readily replied. " And 
 
 I sa'n't. It would make Sylvie cry " 
 
 M 
 
162 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 " It wouldn't ! ' ; Sylvie interrupted in great 
 indignation. "And I don't believe the Goat 
 sang it at all ! " 
 
 "It did, though ! " said Bruno. "It singed 
 it right froo. I sawed it singing with its 
 long beard " 
 
 " It couldn't sing with its beard" I said, 
 hoping to puzzle the little fellow: "a beard 
 isn't a voice." 
 
 " Well then, oo couldn't walk with Sylvie ! " 
 Bruno cried triumphantly. " Sylvie isn't a 
 foot/" 
 
 I thought I had better follow Sylvie's ex- 
 ample, and be silent for a while. Bruno was 
 too sharp for us. 
 
 "And when it had singed all the Sona\ it 
 ran away — for to get along to look for the 
 Man, oo know. And the Crocodile got along 
 after it — for to bite it, oo know. And the 
 Mouse got along after the Crocodile." 
 
 "Wasn't the Crocodile running?" Sylvie 
 enquired. She appealed to me. "Crocodiles 
 do run, don't they ? " 
 
 I suggested " crawling " as the proper word. 
 
 " He wasn't running," said Bruno, " and he 
 
FROGS' TREAT 163 
 
 wasn't crawling. He went struggling along like 
 a portmanteau. And he held his chin ever so 
 high in the air " 
 
 " What did he do that for ? " said Sylvie. 
 
 " 'cause he hadn't got a toofache ! " said 
 Bruno. " Ca'n't 00 make out nuffin wizout I 
 'splain it ? Why, if he'd had a toofache, a 
 course he'd have held his head down — like 
 this — and he'd have put a lot of warm 
 blankets round it ! " 
 
 "If he'd had any blankets ! " Sylvie argued. 
 
 " Course he had blankets ! " retorted her 
 brother. " Doos 00 think Crocodiles g-oes 
 walks wizout blankets ? And he frowned with 
 his eyebrows. And the Goat was welly 
 flightened at his eyebrows ! " 
 
 "I'd never be afraid of eyebrows ! " exclaimed 
 Sylvie. 
 
 " I should think 00 would, though, if they'd 
 got a Crocodile fastened to them, like these 
 had ! And so the Man jamp, and he jamp, 
 and at last he got right out of the hole." 
 
 Sylvie gave another little gasp : this rapid 
 dodging about among the characters of the 
 Story had taken away her breath. 
 
 m 2 
 
1 64 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 "And he runned away — for to look for the 
 Goat, oo know. And he heard the Lion 
 grunting •" 
 
 " Lions don't grunt," said Sylvie. 
 
 "This one did," said Bruno. "And its 
 mouth were like a large cupboard. And it had 
 plenty of room in its mouth. And the Lion 
 runned after the Man — for to eat him, oo know. 
 And the Mouse runned after the Lion." 
 
 " But the Mouse was running after the 
 Crocodile" I said : " he couldn't run after 
 both ! " 
 
 Bruno sighed over the density of his audi- 
 ence, but explained very patiently. "He did 
 runned after bofe : 'cause they went the same 
 way ! And first he caught the Crocodile, and 
 then he didn't catch the Lion. And when he'd 
 caught the Crocodile, what doos oo think he did 
 —'cause he'd got pincers in his pocket ? " 
 
 " I ca'n't guess," said Sylvie. 
 
 " Nobody couldn't guess it ! " Bruno cried in 
 high glee. "Why, he wrenched out that 
 Crocodile's toof ! " 
 
 " Which tooth ? " I ventured to ask. 
 
 But Bruno was not to be puzzled. "The 
 
FROGS' TREAT 
 
 i6 S 
 
 toof he were going to bite the Goat with, a 
 course ! " 
 
 " He couldn't be sure about that," I argued 
 " unless he wrenched out all its teeth." 
 
 Bruno laughed merrily, and half sang, as he 
 swung himself backwards and forwards, "He 
 did — wrenched — out — -all its teef ! " 
 
1 66 FROGS' TREAT 
 
 . " Why did the Crocodile wait to have them 
 wrenched out ? " said Sylvie. 
 
 "It had to wait," said Bruno. 
 
 I ventured on another question. " But what 
 became of the Man who said 'You may wait 
 here till I come back ' ? " 
 
 " He didn't say ' Oo may' " Bruno explained. 
 " He said, ' Oo will! Just like Sylvie says to 
 me ' Oo will do oor lessons till twelve o'clock.' 
 Oh, I wt'ss" he added with a little sigh, 
 " I wiss Sylvie would say ' Oo may do oor 
 lessons ' ! " 
 
 This was a dangerous subject for discussion, 
 Sylvie seemed to think. She returned to the 
 Story. " But what became of the Man?" 
 
 " Well, the Lion springed at him. But it 
 came so slow, it were three weeks in the 
 air 
 
 "Did the Man wait for it all that time?" 
 I said. 
 
 "Course he didn't!" Bruno replied, gliding 
 head first down the stem of the fox-glove, for 
 the Story was evidently close to its end. " He 
 sold his house, and he packed up his things, 
 while the Lion were coming. And he went 
 
FROGS' TREAT 167 
 
 and he lived in another town. So the Lion ate 
 the wrong man." 
 
 This was evidently the Moral : so Sylvie 
 made her final proclamation to the Frogs. 
 " The Story's finished ! And whatever is to be 
 learned from it," she added, aside to me, "I'm 
 sure / don't know ! " 
 
 I did not feel quite clear about it myself, so 
 made no suggestion : but the Frogs seemed 
 quite content, Moral or no Moral, and merely 
 raised a husky chorus of "Off! Off!" as they 
 hopped away. 
 
CHAPTER XVI 
 
 LESSONS 
 
 To while away the time, I strolled, one after- 
 noon, into Kensington Gardens, and, wandering 
 aimlessly along any path that presented itself, 
 when I chanced to notice a small creature, 
 moving among the grass that fringed the path, 
 that did not seem to be an insect, or a frog, or 
 any other living thing that I could think of. 
 Cautiously kneeling down, and making an ex 
 tempore cage of my two hands, I imprisoned 
 the little wanderer, and felt a sudden thrill of 
 surprise and delight on discovering that my 
 prisoner was no other than Bruno himself! 
 
 Bruno took the matter very coolly, and, when 
 I had replaced him on the ground, where he 
 
LESSONS 169 
 
 would be within easy conversational distance, 
 he began talking, just as if it were only a few 
 minutes since last we had met. 
 
 " Doos 00 know what the Rule is," he en- 
 quired, " when 00 catches a Fairy, withouten 
 its having tolded 00 where it was?" (Bruno's 
 notions of English Grammar had certainly not 
 improved since our last meeting.) 
 
 " No," I said. " I didn't know there was any 
 Rule about it." 
 
 " I think 00' ve got a right to eat me," said 
 the little fellow, looking up into my face with a 
 winning smile. " But I'm not pruffickly.su re. 
 Oo'd better not do it wizout asking." 
 
 It did indeed seem reasonable not to take so 
 irrevocable a step as that, without due enquiry. 
 " I'll certainly ask about it, first," I said. " Be- 
 sides, I don't know yet whether you would be 
 worth eating ! " 
 
 " I guess I'm deliciously good to eat," Bruno 
 remarked in a satisfied tone, as if it were some- 
 thing to be rather proud of. 
 
 " And what are you doing here, Bruno ? " 
 
 " That 's not my name ! " said my cunning 
 little friend. <l Don't 00 know my name's ' Oh 
 
i?o LESSONS 
 
 Bruno ! ' ? That's what Sylvie always calls me, 
 when I says mine lessons." 
 
 " Well then, what are you doing here, oh 
 Bruno ? " 
 
 "Doing mine lessons, a-course ! " With 
 that roguish twinkle in his eve, that always 
 came when he knew he was talking nonsense. 
 
 "Oh, that's the way you do your lessons, 
 is it ? And do you remember them well ? " 
 
 "Always can 'member mine lessons," said 
 Bruno. " It's Sylvie s lessons that's so dreffully 
 hard to 'member ! " He frowned as if in 
 agonies of thought, and tapped his forehead 
 with his knuckles. " I cdrit think enough to 
 understand them ! " he said despairingly. "It 
 wants doable thinking - , I believe ! " 
 
 " But where's Sylvie gone ? " 
 
 " That's just what / want to know ! " said 
 Bruno disconsolately. " What ever's the good 
 of setting me lessons, when she isn't here to 
 'splain the hard bits ?" 
 
 " F 11 find her for you ! " I volunteered ; and, 
 getting uo, I wandered round the tree under 
 whose shade I had been reclining, looking on 
 all sides for Sylvie. In another minute I again 
 
LESSONS 171 
 
 noticed some strange thing moving among the 
 grass, and, kneeling down, was immediately 
 confronted with Sylvie's innocent face, lighted 
 up with a joyful surprise at seeing me, and was 
 accosted, in the sweet voice I knew so well, 
 with what seemed to be the end of a sentence 
 whose beginning" I had failed to catch. 
 
 " and I think he ought to have finished 
 
 them by this time. So I'm going back to him. 
 Will you come too? It's only just round at 
 the other side of this tree." 
 
 To find Bruno's lessons was easy enough : 
 they appeared to be neatly written out on large 
 smooth ivy-leaves, which were scattered in some 
 confusion over a little patch of ground where 
 the grass had been worn away ; but the pale 
 student, who ought by rights to have been 
 bending over them, was nowhere to be seen : 
 we looked in all directions, for some time, 
 in vain ; but at last Sylvie's sharp eyes de- 
 tected him, swinging on a tendril of ivy, and 
 Sylvie's stern voice commanded his instant 
 return to terra firma and to the business of 
 Life. 
 
 "Pleasure first and business afterwards" 
 
172 
 
 LESSONS 
 
 seemed to be the motto of these tiny folk, so 
 many hugs and kisses had to be interchanged 
 before anything else could be clone. 
 
 " Now, Bruno," Sylvie said reproachfully, 
 
LESSONS 173 
 
 " didn't I tell you you were to go on with your 
 lessons, unless you heard to the contrary ? " 
 
 " But I did heard to the contrary ! " Bruno 
 insisted, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. 
 
 " What did you hear, you wicked boy ? " 
 
 " It were a sort of noise in the air," said 
 Bruno : "a sort of a scrambling noise. Didn't 
 00 hear it, Mister Sir ?" 
 
 " Well, anyhow, you needn't go to sleep over 
 them, you lazy-lazy ! " For Bruno had curled 
 himself up, on the largest ' lesson,' and was 
 arranging another as a pillow. 
 
 " I wasiit asleep ! " said Bruno, in a deeply- 
 injured tone. "When I shuts mine eyes, it's 
 to show that I'm awake ! " 
 
 " Well, how much have you learned, then ? " 
 
 " I've learned a little tiny bit," said Bruno, 
 modestly, being evidently afraid of overstating 
 his achievement. " Cant learn no more ! " 
 
 " Oh Bruno ! You know you can, if you 
 like." 
 
 "Course I can, if I like" the pale student 
 replied ; " but I ca'n't if I don't like ! " 
 
 Sylvie had a way — which I could not too 
 highly admire — of evading Bruno's logical 
 
174 LESSONS 
 
 perplexities by suddenly striking into a new 
 line of thought ; and this masterly stratagem 
 she now adopted. 
 
 " Well, I must say one thing " 
 
 " Did oo know, Mister Sir," Bruno thought- 
 fully remarked, "that Sylvie ca'n't count? 
 Whenever she says ' I must say one thing,' I 
 know quite well she'll say two things ! And 
 she always doos." 
 
 " Two heads are better than one, Bruno," I 
 said, "but with no very distinct idea as to what 
 I meant by it. 
 
 " I shouldn't mind having two /leads, 1 ' Bruno 
 said softly to himself: "one head to eat mine 
 dinner, and one head to argue wiz Sylvie — ■ 
 doos oo think oo'd look prettier if oo'd got 
 two heads, Mister Sir? " 
 
 The case did not, I assured him, admit of a 
 doubt. 
 
 " The reason why Sylvie's so cross " 
 
 Bruno went on very seriously, almost sadly. 
 
 Sylvie's eyes grew large and round with 
 surprise at this new line of enquiry — her rosy 
 face being perfectly radiant with good humour. 
 But she said nothing. 
 
LESSONS 175 
 
 " Wouldn't it be better to tell me after the 
 lessons are over ? " I suggested. 
 
 " Very well," Bruno said with a resigned air : 
 " only she won't be cross then." 
 
 " There's only three lessons to do," said Sylvie. 
 "Spelling, and Geography, and Singing." 
 
 " Not Arithmetic ? " I said. 
 
 " No, he hasn't a head for Arithmetic " 
 
 " Course I haven't ! " said Bruno. " Mine 
 head's for hair. I haven't got a lot of heads ! " 
 
 " — -and he ca'n't learn his Multiplication- 
 table " 
 
 " I like History ever so much better," Bruno 
 remarked. " Oo has to repeat that Muddlecome 
 table " 
 
 " Well, and you have to repeat " 
 
 " No, 00 hasn't ! " Bruno interrupted. 
 " History repeats itself. The Professor said 
 so ! 
 
 Sylvie was arranging some letters on a 
 board — E — V — I — L. " Now, Bruno," she 
 said, " what does that spell ? " 
 
 Bruno looked at it, in solemn silence, for a 
 minute. " I knows what it doosnt spell ! " he 
 said at last. 
 
176 LESSONS 
 
 " That's no good," said Sylvie. " What does 
 it spell ? " 
 
 Bruno took another look at the mysterious 
 letters. "Why, it's 'LIVE,' backwards!" he 
 exclaimed. (I thought it was, indeed.) 
 
 " How did you manage to see that ? " said 
 Sylvie. 
 
 " I just twiddled my eyes," said Bruno, 
 "and then I saw it directly. Now may I 
 sing the Kincr-fisher Sono- ? " 
 
 "Geography next," said Sylvie. " Don't you 
 know the Rules ? " 
 
 " I thinks there oughtn't to be such a lot of 
 Rules, Sylvie ! I thinks " 
 
 "Yes, there ought to be such a lot of Rules, 
 you wicked, wicked boy ! And how dare you 
 think at all about it ? And shut up that 
 mouth directly ! " 
 
 So, as ' that mouth ' didn't seem inclined to 
 shut up of itself, Sylvie shut it for him — with 
 both hands — and sealed it with a kiss, just as 
 you would fasten up a letter. 
 
 " Now that Bruno is fastened up from 
 talking," she went on, turning to me, "I'll 
 show you the Map he does his lessons on." 
 
LESSONS 177 
 
 And there it was, a large Map of the World, 
 spread out on the ground. It was so large 
 that Bruno had to crawl about on it, to point 
 out the places named in the ' King-fisher 
 Lesson.' 
 
 " When a King- fisher sees a Lady-bird flying 
 away, he says ' Ceylon, if you Candia ! ' And 
 when he catches it, he says ' Come to Media ! 
 And if you're Hungary or thirsty, I'll give you 
 some Nubia ! ' When he takes it in his claws, 
 he says ' Europe ! ' When he puts it into his 
 beak, he says ' India ! ' When he's swallowed 
 it, he says 'Eton!' That's all." 
 
 "That's quite perfect," said Sylvie. "Now 
 you may sing the King-fisher Song." 
 
 " Will 00 sing the chorus ? " Bruno said to 
 me. 
 
 I was just beginning to say " I'm afraid I 
 don't know the words" when Sylvie silently 
 turned the map over, and I found the words 
 were all written on the back. In one respect 
 it was a very peculiar song : the chorus to each 
 verse came in the middle, instead of at the end 
 of it. However, the tune was so easy that I 
 soon picked it up, and managed the chorus as 
 
 N 
 
LESSONS 
 
 well, perhaps, as it is possible for one person to 
 manage such a thing. It was in vain that I 
 signed to Sylvie to help me : she only smiled 
 sweetly and shook her head. 
 
 " King FisJier courted Lady Bird 
 
 Sing Beans, sing Bones, sing Butterflies ! 
 
 ' Find me my match' he said, 
 
 ' With such a noble head 
 
 With such a beard, as white as curd — 
 With such expressive eyes ! ' 
 
 " ' Yet pins have heads,' said Lady Bird 
 
 Sing Prunes, sing Prawns, sing Primrose-Hill 
 
 ' A nd, where you stick them in, 
 They stay, and thus a pin 
 Is very much to be preferred 
 To one that's never still ! ' 
 
 " ' Oysters have beards] said Lady Bird 
 
 Sing Flies, sing Frogs, sing Fiddle-strings! 
 ' / love them, for I know 
 They never chatter so : 
 
 They would not say one single word 
 
 Not if you crowned them Kings ! ' 
 
LESSONS 
 
 179 
 
 €>l£ 
 
 Needles have eyes,' said Lady Bird- 
 
 Sing Cats, sing Corks, sing Cowslip-tea! 
 
 ' A nd they are sharp— just what 
 Your Majesty is not : 
 So get you gone — 'tis too absurd 
 To come a-courting me ! ' " 
 
 N 2 
 
180 LESSONS 
 
 "So he went away," Bruno added as a 
 kind of postscript, when the last note of the song 
 had died away. " Just like he always did." 
 
 " Oh, my dear Bruno ! " Sylvie exclaimed, 
 with her hands over her ears. " You shouldn't 
 say 'like' : you should say 'what!' 
 
 To which Bruno replied, doggedly, " I only 
 says ' what ! ' when oo doosn't speak loud, so 
 as I can hear oo." 
 
 "Where did he go to?" I asked, hoping to 
 prevent an argument. 
 
 "He went more far than he'd never been 
 before," said Bruno. 
 
 "You should never say 'more far,'" Sylvie 
 corrected him : " you should say ' farther." 
 
 " Then oo shouldn't say ' more broth,' when 
 we're at dinner," Bruno retorted: " oo should 
 say ' brother'!" 
 
 This time Sylvie evaded an argument by 
 turning away, and beginning to roll up the 
 Map. " Lessons are over ! " she proclaimed 
 in her sweetest tones. 
 
 " And has there been no crying over them f " 
 1 enquired. " Little boys always cry over their 
 lessons, don't they ? " 
 
LESSONS 181 
 
 " I never cries after twelve o'clock," said 
 Bruno : " 'cause then it's getting so near to 
 dinner-time." 
 
 " Sometimes, in the morning," Sylvie said in 
 a low voice ; " when it's Geography-day, and 
 when he's been disobe " 
 
 " What a fellow you are to talk, Sylvie ! " 
 Bruno hastily interposed. " Doos oo think 
 the world was made for oo to talk in ? " 
 
 " Why, where would you have me talk, 
 then ? " Sylvie said, evidently quite ready for 
 an argument. 
 
 But Bruno answered resolutely. " I'm not 
 going to argue about it, 'cause it's getting late, 
 and there wo'n't be time — but oo's as 'onQf as 
 ever oo can be ! " And he rubbed the back of 
 his hand across his eyes, in which tears were 
 beo-innino- to ohtter. 
 
 Sylvie s eyes filled with tears in a moment. 
 "I didn't mean it, Bruno, darling!" she whis- 
 pered ; and the rest of the argument was lost 
 ' amid the tangles of Neaera's hair,' while the 
 two disputants hugged and kissed each other. 
 
 But this new form of argument was brought 
 to a sudden end by a flash of lightning, which 
 
i82 LESSONS 
 
 was closely followed by a peal of thunder, and 
 by a torrent of rain-drops, which came hissing 
 and spitting, almost like live creatures, through 
 the leaves of the tree that sheltered us. 
 
 " Why, it's raining cats and dogs ! " I said. 
 
 " And all the dogs has come down first" 
 said Bruno : " there's nothing but cats coming 
 down now ! " 
 
CHAPTER XVII 
 
 STOP THIEF ! 
 
 " Well, we must get on, now, as quick as we 
 can," I said. " If only I knew the best way 
 to Hunter's farm ! " 
 
 " They'll be sure to "know in this cottage," 
 said Sylvie. 
 
 " Yes, I suppose they will. Bruno, would 
 you run in and ask ? " 
 
 Sylvie stopped him, laughingly, as he ran off. 
 "Wait a minute," she said. "I must make 
 you visible first, you know." 
 
 " And audible too, I suppose ! " I said, as she 
 took the jewel that hung round her neck, and 
 waved it over his head, and touched his eyes 
 and lips with it. 
 
1 84 STOP THIEF! 
 
 " Yes," said Sylvie : " and once, do you know, 
 I made him audible, and forgot to make him 
 visible ! And he went to buy some sweeties 
 in a shop. And the man was so frightened ! A 
 voice seemed to come out of the air, ' Please, I 
 want two ounces of barley-sugar drops ! ' And 
 a shilling came bang down upon the counter ! 
 And the man said ' I ca'n't see you ! ' And 
 Bruno said ' It doosn't sinnify seeing me, so 
 long as oo can see the shilling ! ' But the man 
 said he never sold barley-sugar drops to people 
 he couldn't see. So we had to — Now, Bruno, 
 you're ready ! ' : And away he trotted. 
 
 Sylvie spent the time, while we were waiting 
 for him, in making herself visible also. " It's 
 rather awkward, you know," she explained to 
 me, "when we meet people,- and they can see 
 one of us, and ca'n't see the other ! " 
 
 In a minute or two Bruno returned, looking 
 rather disconsolate. " He'd got friends with 
 him, and he were cross / " he said. "He asked 
 me who I were. And I said ' I'm Bruno : who 
 is these peoples ? ' And he said ' One's my 
 half-brother, and t'other's my half-sister : and I 
 don't want no more company ! Go along with 
 
STOP THIEF! 185 
 
 yer ! ' And I said ' I can't go along wizout 
 mine self! ' And said " Oo shouldn't have bits 
 of peoples lying about like that ! It's welly 
 untidy ! ' And he said ' Oh, don't talk to me ! 
 And he pushted me outside ! And he shutted 
 the door ! " 
 
 "And you never asked where Hunter's farm 
 was ? " queried Sylvie. 
 
 " Hadn't room for any questions," said 
 Bruno. " The room were so crowded." 
 
 "Three people couldn 't crowd a room," said 
 Sylvie. 
 
 "They did, though," Bruno persisted. "He 
 crowded it most. He's such a welly thick 
 man — so as 00 couldn't knock him down." 
 
 I failed to see the drift of Bruno's argument. 
 "Surely anybody could be knocked down," I 
 said : "thick or thin wouldn't matter." 
 
 " Oo couldn't knock him down," said Bruno. 
 "He's more wider than he's high: so, when 
 he's lying down, he's more higher than when 
 he's standing : so a-course 00 couldn't knock 
 him down / " 
 
 " Here's another cottage," I said : " I'll ask 
 .the way, this time." 
 
1 86 STOP THIEF ! 
 
 " Perhaps you can tell me where Hunter's 
 farm is ? " I said to the man. 
 
 " I can that, Sir ! " he replied with a smile. 
 " I'm John Hunter hissel, at your sarvice. 
 It's nobbut half a mile further — the only 
 house in sight, when you get round bend o' the 
 road yonder. You'll find my good woman 
 within, if so be you've business wi' her. Or 
 mebbe I'll do as well ? " 
 
 " Thanks," I said. " I want to order some 
 milk. Perhaps I had better arrange it with 
 your wife ? " 
 
 "Aye," said the man. " She minds all that. 
 Good day t'ye, Master — and to your bonnie 
 childer, as well ! " And he trudged on. 
 
 " He should have said 'child,' not ' childer''" 
 said Bruno. " Sylvie's not a childer /" 
 
 " He meant both of us," said Sylvie. 
 
 "No, he didn't!" Bruno persisted, "'cause 
 he said ' bonnie ', oo know ! " 
 
 " Well, at any rate he looked at us both," 
 Sylvie maintained. 
 
 "Well, then he must have seen we're not 
 both bonnie ! " Bruno retorted. " A-course I'm 
 much uglier than oo ! Didn't he mean Sylvie, 
 
STOP THIEF ! 187 
 
 Mister Sir?" he shouted over his shoulder, as 
 he ran off. 
 
 But there was no use in replying, as he had 
 already vanished round the bend of the road. 
 When we overtook him he was climbing a 
 gate, and was gazing earnestly into the field, 
 where a horse, a cow, and a kid were browsing 
 amicably together. " For its father, a Horse" 
 he murmured to himself. " For its mother, a 
 Cow. For their dear little child, a little Goat, 
 is the most curiousest thing I ever seen in my 
 world ! " 
 
 " That must be Hunter's farm ! " said Sylvie, 
 pointing to a house on the brow of the hill, led 
 up to by a cart-road. " There's no other farm 
 in sight, this way ; and you said we must be 
 nearly there by this time." 
 
 I had thought it, while Bruno was climbing 
 the 2"ate, but I couldn't remember having- said 
 it. However, Sylvie was evidently in the 
 right. "Get down, Bruno," I said, "and open 
 the gate for us." 
 
 "It's a o-ood thino- we's with 00, isn't it, 
 Mister Sir?" said Bruno, as we entered the 
 held. " That big dog might have bited 00, if 
 
188 STOP THIEF ! 
 
 oo'd been alone ! Oo needn't be flightened 
 of it ! " he whispered, clinging tight to my hand 
 to encourage me. "It aren't fierce ! " 
 
 " Fierce ! " Sylvie scornfully echoed, as the 
 dog: — a mao-nificent Newfoundland — that had 
 come galloping down the field to meet us, 
 beg'an curveting" round us, in gambols full of 
 graceful beauty, and welcoming us with short 
 joyful barks. " Fierce ! Why, it's as gentle 
 as a lamb ! It's — why, Bruno, don't you 
 know it ? It's " 
 
 " So it are ! " cried Bruno, rushing- forwards 
 and throwing his arms round its neck. " Oh, 
 you dear dog ! " And it seemed as if the two 
 children would never have done hugging and 
 stroking it. 
 
 " And how ever did he get here ? " said Bruno. 
 "Ask him, Sylvie. I doosn't know how." 
 
 And then began an eager talk in Doggee, 
 which of course was lost upon me; and I could 
 only guess, when the beautiful creature, with 
 a sly glance at me, whispered something in 
 Sylvie's ear, that / was now the subject of con- 
 versation. Sylvie looked round laughingly. 
 
 " He asked me who you are," she explained. 
 
STOP THIEF! 189 
 
 "And I said 'He's our friend.'' And he said 
 'What's his name?' And I said ' It's Mister 
 Sir.' And he said ' Bosh ! ' " 
 
 " What is ' Bosh ! ' in Doggee ? " I enquired. 
 
 " It's the same as in English," said Svlvie. 
 " Only, when a dog says it, it's a sort of a 
 whisper, that's half a cough and half a bark. 
 Nero, say ' Bosh ! ' " 
 
 And Nero, who had now begun gamboling- 
 round us again, said "Bosh/" several times; 
 and I found that Sylvie's description of the 
 sound was perfectly accurate. 
 
 " I wonder what's behind this Ioiiq- wall ? " 
 I said, as we walked on. 
 
 " It's the Orchard," Sylvie replied, after a 
 consultation with Nero. " See, there's a boy 
 getting down off the wall, at that far corner. 
 And now he's running away across the field. I 
 do believe he's been stealing the apples ! " 
 
 Bruno set off after him, but returned to us 
 in a few moments, as he had evidently no chance 
 of overtaking the young rascal. 
 
 " I couldn't catch him ! " he said. " I wiss 
 I'd started a little sooner. His pockets was 
 full of apples ! " 
 
190 STOP THIEF ! 
 
 The Dog-King looked up at Sylvie, and 
 said something in Dog-o-ee. 
 
 o oo 
 
 " Why, of course you can ! " Sylvie exclaimed. 
 " How stupid not to think of it ! JVero'll hold 
 him for us, Bruno ! But I'd better make him 
 invisible, first." And she hastily got out the 
 Magic Jewel, and began waving it over Nero's 
 head, and down along his back. 
 
 "That'll do!" cried Bruno, impatiently. 
 " After him, o-ood Doo-me I " 
 
 ' o oo 
 
 "Oh, Bruno ! " Sylvie exclaimed reproach- 
 fully. "You shouldn't have sent him off so 
 quick ! I hadn't done the tail ! " 
 
 Meanwhile Nero was coursing like a grey- 
 hound down the field : so at least I concluded 
 from all I could see of him — the long feathery 
 tail, which floated like a meteor through the 
 air — and in a very few seconds he had come 
 up with the little thief. 
 
 "He's got him safe, by one foot!" cried 
 Sylvie, who was eagerly watching the chase. 
 " Now there's no hurry, Bruno ! " 
 
 So we walked, quite leisurely, down the 
 field, to where the frightened lad stood. A 
 more curious sight I had seldom seen, in all 
 
STOP THIEF ! 
 
 191 
 
 $M 
 
192 STOP THIEF! 
 
 my 'eerie' experiences. Every bit of him was 
 in violent action, except the left foot, which was 
 apparently glued to the ground — there being 
 nothing visibly holding it : while, at some little 
 distance, the long feathery tail was waving 
 gracefully from side to side, showing that Nero, 
 at least, regarded the whole affair as nothing 
 but a magnificent game of play. 
 
 "What's the matter with you?" I said, as 
 gravely as I could. 
 
 " Got the crahmp in me ahnkle ! " the thief 
 groaned in reply. " An' me fut's. gone to 
 sleep ! " And he began to blubber aloud. 
 
 " Now, look here ! " Bruno said in a com- 
 manding tone, orettino- in front of him. " Oo've 
 got to give up those apples ! " 
 
 The lad glanced at me, but didn't seem 
 to reckon my interference as worth anything. 
 Then he glanced at Sylvie : she clearly didn't 
 count for very much, either. Then he took 
 courage. " It'll take a better man than any of 
 yer to get 'em ! " he retorted defiantly. 
 
 Sylvie stooped and patted the invisible 
 Nero. "A little tighter!" she whispered. 
 And a sharp yell from the ragged boy showed 
 
STOP THIEF ! 193 
 
 how promptly the Dog- King had taken the 
 hint. 
 
 "What's the matter now ! " I said. "Is 
 your ankle worse ? " 
 
 " And it'll get worse, and worse, and worse," 
 Bruno solemnly assured him, "till 00 gives 
 up those apples ! 
 
 Apparently the thief was convinced of this 
 at last, and he sulkily began emptying his 
 pockets of the apples. The children watched 
 from a little distance, Bruno dancing with 
 delight at every fresh yell extracted from 
 Nero's terrified prisoner. 
 
 " That's all," the boy said at last. 
 
 "It isrit all ! " cried Bruno. " There's three 
 more in that pocket ! " 
 
 Another hint from Sylvie to the Dog- King 
 — another sharp yell from the thief, now 
 convicted of lying also — and the remaining 
 three apples were surrendered. 
 
 " Let him go, please," Sylvie said in Doggee, 
 and the lad limped away at a great pace, 
 stooping now and then to rub the ailing ankle, 
 in fear, seemingly, that the ' crahmp ' might 
 attack it a^ain. 
 
194 STOP THIEF! 
 
 Bruno ran back, with his booty, to the 
 orchard wall, and pitched the apples over it 
 one by one. " I's welly afraid some of them's 
 gone under the wrong trees ! " he panted, on 
 overtaking us aofain. 
 
 " The wrong trees ! " laughed Sylvie. " Trees 
 cant do wrong ! There's no such things as 
 wrong trees ! " 
 
 " Then there's no such things as right 
 trees, neither ! " cried Bruno. And Sylvie gave 
 up the point. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 HUSHABY BABY 
 
 "Wait a minute, please!" she said to me. 
 " I must make Nero visible, you know ! " 
 
 " No, please don't ! " cried Bruno, who had 
 by this time mounted on the Royal back, and 
 was twisting the Royal hair into a bridle. 
 " It'll be such fun to have him like this ! " 
 
 " Well, it does look funny," Sylvie admitted, 
 and led the way to the farm-house, where the 
 farmer's wife stood, evidently much perplexed 
 at the weird procession now approaching her. 
 " It's summat gone wrong wi' my spectacles, 
 I doubt ! " she murmured, as she took them 
 off, and began diligently rubbing them with a 
 corner of her apron. 
 
 O 2 
 
HUSHABY BABY 
 
HUSHABY BABY 197 
 
 Meanwhile Sylvie had hastily pulled Bruno 
 down from his steed, and had just time to make 
 His Majesty wholly visible before the spectacles 
 were resumed. 
 
 All was natural, now ; but the good woman 
 still looked a little uneasy about it. " My 
 eyesight's getting bad," she said, " but I see 
 you now, my darlings ! You'll give me a kiss, 
 wo'n't you ? " 
 
 Bruno got behind me, in a moment : how- 
 ever Sylvie put up her face, to be kissed, as 
 representative of both, and we all went in 
 together. 
 
 "Come to me, my little gentleman," said 
 our hostess, lifting Bruno into her lap, " and 
 tell me everything." 
 
 " I ca'n't," said Bruno. " There wouldn't be 
 time. Besides, I don't knoiv everything." 
 
 The good woman looked a little puzzled, 
 and turned to Sylvie for help. " Does he like 
 riding? " she asked. 
 
 "Yes, I think so," Sylvie gently replied. 
 " He's just had a ride on Nero." 
 
 "Ah, Nero's a grand dog, isn't he? Were 
 you ever outside a horse, my little man ? " 
 
198 HUSHABY BABY 
 
 "Always!" Bruno said with great decision. 
 " Never was inside one. Was oo ?■" 
 
 Here I thought it well to interpose, and to 
 mention the business on which we had come, 
 and so relieved her, for a few minutes, from 
 Bruno's perplexing questions. 
 
 "And those dear children will like a bit of 
 cake, /'// warrant ! " said the farmer's hospitable 
 wife, when the business was concluded, as she 
 opened her cupboard, and brought out a cake. 
 "And don't you waste the crust, little gentle- 
 man ! " she added, as she handed a good slice 
 of it to Bruno. " You know what the poetry- 
 book says about wilful waste ? " 
 
 " No, I don't," said Bruno. " What doos he 
 say about it ? " 
 
 " Tell him, Bessie ! " And the mother looked 
 down, proudly and lovingly, on a rosy little 
 maiden, who had just crept shyly into the room, 
 and was leaning" against her knee. "What's 
 that your poetry-book says about wilful waste ? " 
 
 " For wilful waste makes woeful want" Bessie 
 recited, in an almost inaudible whisper: " and you 
 may live to say ' Hoiv much I wish I had the 
 crust that then I threw away ! ' ' 
 
HUSHABY BABY 199 
 
 " Now try if you can say it, my dear ! For 
 wilful " 
 
 " For wifful— sumfinoruvver — " Bruno be- 
 gan, readily enough ; and then there came a 
 dead pause. " Ca'n't remember no more ! " 
 
 " Well, what do you learn from it, then ? You 
 can tell us that, at any rate ? " 
 
 Bruno ate a little more cake, and considered : 
 but the moral did not seem to him to be a very 
 obvious one. 
 
 " Always to " Sylvie prompted him in a 
 
 whisper. 
 
 " Always to " Bruno softly repeated : and 
 
 then, with sudden inspiration, "always to look 
 where it goes to ! " 
 
 " Where what goes to, darling ? " 
 
 " Why the crust, a course ! " said Bruno. 
 " Then, if I lived to say ' How much I wiss 
 I had the crust — ' (and all that), I'd know 
 where I frew it to ! " 
 
 This new interpretation quite puzzled the 
 good woman. She returned to the subject of 
 ' Bessie.' " Wouldn't you like to see Bessie's 
 doll, my dears ! Bessie, take the little lady and 
 gentleman to see Matilda Jane ! " 
 
2oo HUSHABY BABY 
 
 " But we must be getting home," said I. 
 " Would you call the little girls ? Matilda Jane 
 has seen enough of company, for one day, I'm 
 sure ! 
 
 " I'll find 'em in a minute," said my hostess, 
 as she rose to leave the room. " Maybe that 
 young gentleman saw which way they went ? " 
 
 " Where are they, Bruno ? " I said. 
 
 "They ain't in the field," was Bruno s rather 
 evasive reply, "'cause there's nothing but pigs 
 there, and Sylvie isn't a pig. Now don't 
 imperrupt me any more, 'cause I'm telling a 
 story to this fly ; and it won't attend ! " 
 
 "They're among the apples, I'll warrant 
 'em ! " said the Farmer's wife. So we left 
 Bruno to finish his story, and went out into the 
 orchard, where we soon came upon the children, 
 walking sedately side by side, Sylvie carrying 
 the doll, while little Bess carefully shaded its 
 face, with a large cabbage-leaf for a parasol. 
 
 As soon as they caught sight of us, little Bess 
 dropped her cabbage-leaf and came running to 
 meet us, Sylvie following more slowly, as her 
 precious charge evidently needed great care 
 and attention. 
 
HUSHABY BABY 201 
 
 " I'm it's Mamma, and Sylvie's the Head- 
 Nurse," Bessie explained : " and Sylvie's taught 
 me ever such a pretty song, for me to sing to 
 Matilda Jane ! " 
 
 " Let's hear it once more, Sylvie," I said, 
 deliohted at getting the chance I had long 
 wished for, of hearing her sing. But Sylvie 
 turned shy and frightened in a moment. " No, 
 please not ! " she said, in an earnest ' aside ' to 
 me. " Bessie knows it quite perfect now. 
 Bessie can sing - it ! " 
 
 " Aye, aye ! Let Bessie sing it ! " said the 
 proud mother. " Bessie has a bonny voice of 
 her own," (this again was an 'aside' to me,) 
 " though I say it as shouldn't ! " 
 
 Bessie was only too happy to accept the 
 ' encore.' So the plump little Mamma sat 
 down at our feet, with her hideous daughter 
 reclining stiffly across her lap (it was one of a 
 kind that won't sit down, under any amount of 
 persuasion), and, with a face simply beaming 
 with delight, began the lullaby, in a shout that 
 ought to have frightened the poor baby into 
 fits. 
 
 The shout, with which she began, proved to 
 
HUSHABY BABY 
 
 be only a momentary effort. After a very few 
 notes, Bessie toned down, and sang on in a 
 small but very sweet voice. At first her great 
 black eyes were fixed on her mother, but soon 
 
 her gaze wandered upwards, among the apples, 
 and she seemed to have quite forgotten that 
 she had any other audience than her Baby, and 
 her Head-Nurse, who once or twice supplied, 
 almost inaudibly, the right note, when the singer 
 was getting a little ' flat.' 
 
HUSHABY BABY 203 
 
 " Matilda Jane, you never look 
 At any toy or picture-book : 
 I show you pretty things in vain — 
 You must be blind, Matilda. Jane ! 
 
 " / ask you riddles, tell you tales, 
 But all our conversation Jails : 
 You never answer me again — 
 I Jear you're dumb, Matilda Jane ! 
 
 " Matilda, darling, when I call, 
 You never seem to hear at all : 
 I shout with all my might and main — 
 But you're so deaf, Matilda Jane ! 
 
 " Matilda Jane, you needn't mind : 
 For, though you're deaj, and dumb, and blind, 
 There's some one loves you, it is plain — 
 A ud that is me, Matilda Jane ! " 
 
 She sang three of the verses in a rather per- 
 functory style, but the last stanza evidently 
 excited the little maiden. Her voice rose, ever 
 clearer and louder : she had a rapt look on her 
 face, as if suddenly inspired, and, as she sang 
 the last few words, she clasped to her heart the 
 inattentive Matilda Jane. 
 
204 HUSHABY BABY 
 
 " Kiss it now ! " prompted the Head-Nurse. 
 And in a moment the simpering meaningless 
 face of the Baby was covered with a shower of 
 passionate kisses. 
 
 " What a bonny song ! " cried the Farmer's 
 wife. " Who made the words, dearie ? " 
 
 "I— I think I'll look for Bruno," Sylvie 
 said demurely, and left us hastily. The curious 
 child seemed always afraid of being praised, or 
 even noticed. 
 
 " Sylvie planned the words," Bessie informed 
 us, proud of her superior information: "and 
 Bruno planned the music — and / sang it ! " 
 (this last circumstance, by the way, we did not 
 need to be told). 
 
 So we followed Sylvie, and all entered the 
 parlour together. Bruno was still standing at 
 the window, with his elbows on the sill. He 
 had, apparently, finished the story that he was 
 telling to the fly, and had found a new 
 occupation. "Don't imperrupt ! " he said as 
 we came in. " I'm counting the Pigs in the 
 field ! " 
 
 " How many are there ? " I enquired. 
 
 "About a thousand and four," said Bruno. 
 
HUSHABY BABY 205 
 
 "You mean 'about a thousand,'' Sylvle 
 corrected him. "There's no good saying ' and 
 four ' : you cant be sure about the four ! " 
 
 "And you're as wrong as ever!" Bruno 
 exclaimed triumphantly. " It's just the/cwr I 
 can be sure about ; 'cause they're here, grub- 
 bling under the window! It's the thousand 
 I isn't pruffickly sure about ! " 
 
 " But some of them have gone into the sty," 
 Sylvie said, leaning over him to look out of the 
 window. 
 
 "Yes," said Bruno ; " but they went so slowly 
 and so fewly, I didn't care to count thein." 
 
 "We must be going, children," I said. 
 "Wish Bessie good-bye." Sylvie flung her 
 arms round the little maiden's neck, and kissed 
 her : but Bruno stood aloof, looking unusually 
 shy. (" I never kiss nobody but Sylvie ! " he 
 explained to me afterwards.) The farmer's 
 wife showed us out : and we were soon on our 
 way back to Elveston. 
 
CHAPTER XIX 
 
 MEIN HERR 
 
 So I went on my lonely way, and, on reach- 
 ing the Hall, I found the Earl standing at the 
 garden-gate waiting for me. 
 
 " You will be at our farewell-party, this day 
 fortnight," said the Earl. " Of course you will 
 come. Muriel is anxious to gather all our 
 friends around us once more, before we leave 
 the place." 
 
 " Don't forget Tuesday week ! " he said as 
 we shook hands. " I only wish you could bring 
 with you those charming children, that you 
 introduced to us in the summer. Talk of the 
 mystery of Mein Herr! That's nothing to the 
 mystery that seems to attend them ! I shall 
 never forget those marvellous flowers ! " 
 
MEIN HERR 207 
 
 " I will bring them if I possibly can," I said. 
 But how to fulfil such a promise, I mused to 
 myself on my way back to my lodgings, was a 
 problem entirely beyond my skill ! 
 
 The days glided swiftly away and when, on 
 our way to the drawing-room, I received from 
 the housekeeper my little friends, clad in the 
 daintiest of evening costumes, and looking, in 
 the flush of expectant delight, more radiantly 
 beautiful than I had ever seen them before, I 
 felt no shock of surprise. 
 
 It would be best, I thought, to introduce 
 them as soon as possible to some good-natured 
 lady-guest, and I selected one. " I am sure 
 you like children," I said. " May I introduce 
 two little friends of mine ? This is Sylvie — 
 and this is Bruno." 
 
 The young lady kissed Sylvie very graciously. 
 She would have done the same for Bruno, but 
 he hastily drew back out of reach. "Their 
 faces are new to me," she said. 
 
 " How far have you come, dear ? " 
 
 Sylvie looked puzzled. "A mile or two, 1 
 think" she said doubtfully. 
 
 "A mile or three" said Bruno, 
 
2o8 MEIN HERR 
 
 " You shouldn't say ' a mile or three,' " Sylvie 
 corrected him. 
 
 The young lady nodded approval. " Sylvie's 
 quite right. It isn't usual to say 'a mile or 
 three' " 
 
 "It would be usual— if we said it often 
 enough," said Bruno. 
 
 It was the young lady's turn to look puzzled 
 now. " He's very quick, for his age ! " she 
 murmured. " You're not more than seven, are 
 you, dear ? " she added aloud. 
 
 " I'm not so many as that" said Bruno. 
 " I'm one. Sylvie's one. Sylvie and me is 
 hvo. Sylvie taught me to count." 
 
 " Oh, I wasn't counting you, you know ! " 
 the young lady laughingly replied. 
 
 " Hasn't oo learnt to count ? " said Bruno. 
 
 The young lady bit her lip. " Dear ! What 
 embarrassing questions he does ask ! " she said 
 in a half-audible 'aside.' 
 
 " Bruno, you shouldn't ! " Sylvie said re- 
 provingly. 
 
 " Shouldn't what ? " said Bruno. 
 
 "You shouldn't ask — that sort of ques- 
 tions." 
 
MEIN HERR 209 
 
 "What sort of questions?" Bruno mis- 
 chievously persisted. 
 
 "What she told you not," Sylvie replied, 
 with a shy glance at the young lady, and losing 
 all sense of grammar in her confusion. 
 
 " Oo ca'n't pronounce it!" Bruno tri- 
 umphantly cried. And he turned to the 
 young lady, for sympathy in his victory. " I 
 knewed she couldn't pronounce ' umbrella- 
 sting ' ! " 
 
 The young lady thought it best to return to 
 the arithmetical problem. "When I asked if 
 you were seven, you know, I didn't mean 
 ' how many children ? ' I meant ' how many 
 years 
 
 " Only got two ears," said Bruno. " Nobody's 
 2>ot seven ears." 
 
 " And you belong to this little girl ? " the 
 young lady continued, skilfully evading the 
 anatomical problem. 
 
 "No, I doosn't belong to her!" said Bruno. 
 " Sylvie belongs to me ! " And he clasped 
 his arms round her as he added " She are my 
 very mine ! " 
 
 "And, do you know," said the young lady, 
 
 p 
 
210 MEIN HERR 
 
 " I've a little sister at home, exactly like your 
 sister? I'm sure they'd love each other." 
 
 " They'd be very extremely useful to each 
 other," Bruno said, thoughtfully. "And they 
 wouldn't want no looking-glasses to brush their 
 hair wiz." 
 
 "Why not, my child?" 
 
 " Why, each one would do for the other one's 
 looking-glass, a-course ! " cried Bruno. 
 
 By this time the room was getting crowded, 
 as the guests, invited for the evening-party, 
 were beginning to arrive, and Lady Muriel 
 had to devote herself to the task of welcoming 
 them, which she did with the sweetest grace 
 imaginable. Sylvie and Bruno stood by her, 
 deeply interested in the process. 
 
 "I hope you like my friends ? " she said to 
 them. " Specially my dear old friend, Mein 
 Herr (What's become of him, I wonder? 
 Oh, there he is !), that old gentleman in 
 spectacles, with a long beard ? " 
 
 " He's a grand old gentleman ! " Sylvie said, 
 gazing admiringly at ' Mein Herr,' who had 
 settled down in a corner, from which his 
 mild eyes beamed on us through a gigantic 
 
MEIN HERR 211 
 
 pair of spectacles. "And what a lovely 
 beard ! " 
 
 "What does he call his-self?" Bruno 
 whispered. 
 
 "He calls himself ' Mein Herr,'' Sylvie 
 whispered in reply. 
 
 Bruno shook his head impatiently. "That's 
 what he calls his hair, not his self, oo silly ! " 
 He appealed tome. "What doos he call his 
 self, Mister Sir? " 
 
 "That's the only name/ know of," I said. 
 " But he looks very lonely. Don't you pity his 
 grey hairs ? " 
 
 " I pities his self" said Bruno, still harping 
 on the misnomer ; " but I doosn't pity his hair, 
 one bit. His hair ca'n't feel ! " 
 
 "We met him this afternoon," said Sylvie. 
 "We'd been to see Nero, and we'd had such 
 fun with him, making him invisible again ! 
 And we saw that nice old gentleman as we 
 came back." 
 
 "Well, let's go and talk to him, and cheer 
 him up a little," I said: "and perhaps we 
 shall find out what he calls himself." 
 
 The children came willingly. With one of 
 
 p 2 
 
MEIN HERR 
 
 them on each side of me, I approached the 
 corner occupied by ' Mein Herr.' "You 
 don't object to children, I hope ? " I began. 
 
 SSfiU 
 
 mfimL Irak 
 
 " Crabbed age and youth cannot live to- 
 gether /" the old man cheerfully replied, with 
 a most Qrenial smile. "Now take a o'ood look 
 at me, my children ! You would guess me to 
 be an old man, wouldn't you ?" 
 
 " I don't know if oo're an old man," Bruno 
 
MEIN HERR 213 
 
 answered, as the children, won over by the 
 gentle voice, crept a little closer to him. " I 
 thinks oo're eighty-three." 
 
 " He is very exact ! " said Mein Herr. 
 
 " Is he anything" like right ? " I said. 
 
 "There are reasons," Mein Herr gently 
 replied, " reasons which I am not at liberty 
 to explain, for not mentioning definitely any 
 Persons, Places, or Dates." 
 
 " Sylvie and me," said Bruno, "saw 00 in 
 the road, and oor hat were ever so high up ! 
 Weren't it, Sylvie ? " 
 
 "There was a drop or two of rain falling," 
 said Mein Herr, "so I put my hat on the top 
 of my stick — as an umbrella, you know. As I 
 came along the road," he continued, turning to 
 me, " I was overtaken by " 
 
 " a shower of rain ? " said Bruno. 
 
 "Well, it looked more like the tail of a dogf," 
 Mein Herr replied. "It was the most curious 
 thing ! Something rubbed affectionately against 
 my knee. And I looked down. And I could 
 see nothing ! Only, about a yard off, there was 
 a doaf's tail, wagering" all bv itself! " 
 
 " Oh, Sylvie / " Bruno murmured reproach- 
 
214 MEIN HERR 
 
 fully. " Oo didn't finish making him visi- 
 ble ! " 
 
 "I'm so sorry!" Sylvie said, looking very 
 penitent. " I meant to rub it along his back, 
 but we were in such a hurry. We'll go and 
 finish him to-morrow. Poor thing! Perhaps 
 he'll get no supper to-night ! " 
 
 " Course he won't ! " said Bruno. " Nobody 
 never gives bones to a dog's tail ! " 
 
 Mein Herr looked from one to the other in 
 blank astonishment. " I do not understand 
 you," he said. " I had lost my way, and I was 
 consulting a pocket-map, and somehow I had 
 dropped one of my gloves, and this invisible 
 Something, that had rubbed against my knee, 
 actually brought it back to me ! " 
 
 " Course he did ! " said Bruno. " He's welly 
 fond of fetching things." 
 
 Mein Herr looked so thoroughly bewildered 
 that I thought it best to change the subject. 
 "What a useful thing a pocket-map is!" I 
 remarked. 
 
CHAPTER XX 
 
 BRUNO S PICNIC 
 
 The silence that ensued was broken by the 
 voice of the musical young lady, who had seated 
 herself near us, and was conversing- with one of 
 the newly-arrived guests. " Well ! " she said in 
 a tone of scornful surprise. "We are to have 
 something new in the way of music, it appears ! " 
 
 I looked round for an explanation, and was 
 nearly as much astonished as the speaker her- 
 self : it was Sylvie whom Lady Muriel was 
 leading to the piano ! 
 
 "Do try it, my darling!" she was saying. 
 " I'm sure you can play very nicely ! " 
 
 Sylvie looked round at me, with tears in her 
 eyes. I tried to give her an encouraging 
 
2i6 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 smile, but it was evidently a great strain on the 
 nerves of a child so wholly unused to be made 
 an exhibition of, and she was frightened and 
 unhappy. 
 
 But in a minute the hum had died away into 
 absolute silence, and we all sat, entranced and 
 breathless, to listen to such heavenly music that 
 one held one's breath, fearful to lose a single 
 note of it. 
 
 The Count hurried across the room in great 
 excitement. " I cannot remember myself," he 
 exclaimed, " of the name of this so charming 
 an air! It is of an opera, most surely. Yet 
 not even will the opera remind his name to 
 me ! What you call him, dear child ? " 
 
 Sylvie looked round at him with a rapt ex- 
 pression of face. She had ceased playing, but 
 her fingers still wandered fitfully over the keys. 
 All fear and shyness had quite passed away 
 now, and nothing remained but the pure joy 
 of the music that had thrilled our hearts. 
 
 " The title of it ! " the Count repeated im- 
 patiently. " How call you the opera ? " 
 
 ' I don't know what an opera is," Sylvie 
 half-whispered. 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 217 
 
 " How, then, call you the air ?" 
 " I don't know any name for it," Sylvie re- 
 plied, as she rose from the instrument. 
 
 " But this is marvellous ! " exclaimed the 
 
 Count, following the child, and addressing him- 
 self to me, as if I were the proprietor of this 
 musical prodigy, and so must know the origin 
 of her music. "You have heard her play this 
 sooner — I would say ' before this occasion ' ? 
 How call you the air ? " 
 
218 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 I shook my head ; but was saved from more 
 questions by Lady Muriel, who came up to 
 petition the Count for a song. 
 
 The Count spread out his hands apologeti- 
 cally, and ducked his head. " But, Milady, I 
 have already respected — I would say pro- 
 spected — all your songs ; and there shall be 
 none fitted to my voice ! They are not for 
 basso voices ! " 
 
 " Won't you look at them again?" Lady 
 Muriel implored. 
 
 " Let's help him ! " Bruno whispered to 
 Sylvie. " Let's get him — -you know ! " 
 
 Sylvie nodded. " Shall we look for a song 
 for you ? " she said sweetly to the Count. 
 
 " Mais oid!" the little man exclaimed. 
 
 "Of course we may!" said Bruno, while, 
 each taking - a hand of the delighted Count, 
 they led him to the music-stand. 
 
 "There is still hope!" said Lady Muriel 
 over her shoulder, as she followed them. 
 
 But at this moment Sylvie came to call 
 Bruno, who had returned to my side, looking 
 unusually serious. " Do come, Bruno!" she 
 entreated. " You know we've nearly found it ! " 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 219 
 
 But Bruno drew back. "The man called me 
 names," he said with dignity. 
 
 "What names?" I enquired with some 
 curiosity. 
 
 " I asked him," said Bruno, " which sort of 
 song he liked. And he said 'A sons' of a 
 man, not of a lady.' And I said ' Shall Sylvie 
 and me find you a song?' And he said 
 'Wait, eel!' And I'm not an eel, 00 
 know ! " 
 
 " I'm sure he didn't mean it ! " Sylvie said 
 earnestly. " It's something French — you know 
 he ca'n't talk English so well as " 
 
 Bruno relented visibly. " Course he knows 
 no better, if he's Flench ! Flenchmen never 
 can speak English so goodly as us!" And 
 Sylvie led him away, a willing captive. 
 
 " Nice children ! " said the old man, taking 
 off his spectacles and rubbing them carefully. 
 Then he put them on again, and watched with 
 an approving smile, while the children tossed 
 over the heap of music, and we just caught 
 Sylvie's reproving words, " We're not making- 
 hay, Bruno ! " 
 
 " Now, I'll tell you a story." 
 
22o BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 " And I'll tell oo a story," said Bruno, begin- 
 ning in a great hurry for fear of Sylvie getting 
 the start of him : "once there were a Mouse — • 
 a little tiny Mouse — such a tiny little Mouse ! 
 Oo never saw such a tiny Mouse " 
 
 " Did nothing ever happen to it, Bruno ?" I 
 asked. " Haven't you anything more to tell 
 us, besides its being so tiny ? " 
 
 " Nothing never happened to it," Bruno 
 solemnly replied. 
 
 "Why did nothing never happen to it?" 
 said Sylvie, who was sitting, with her head on 
 Bruno's shoulder, patiently waiting for a chance 
 of beginning her story. 
 
 "It were too tiny," Bruno explained. 
 
 " That's no reason ! " I said. " However 
 tiny it was, things might happen to it." 
 
 Bruno looked pityingly at me, as if he 
 thought me very stupid. "It were too tiny," 
 he repeated. "If anything happened to it, 
 it would die — it were so very tiny ! " 
 
 " Really that's enough about its being tiny ! " 
 Sylvie put in. " Haven't you invented any 
 more about it ? " 
 
 " Haven't invented no more yet." 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 221 
 
 " Well then, you shouldn't begin a story till 
 you've invented more ! Now be quiet, there's 
 a good boy, and listen to my story." 
 
 And Bruno, having quite exhausted all his 
 inventive faculty, by beginning in too great 
 a hurry, quietly resigned himself to listening. 
 ''Tell about the other Bruno, please," he said 
 coaxingly. 
 
 Sylvie put her arms round his neck, and 
 began : — 
 
 " The wind was whispering among the trees," 
 ("That wasn't good manners!" Bruno in- 
 terrupted. " Never mind about manners," said 
 Sylvie) "and it was evening — a nice moony 
 evening, and the Owls were hooting " 
 
 "Pretend they weren't Owls ! " Bruno pleaded, 
 stroking her cheek with his fat little hand. " I 
 don't like Owls. Owls have such great big 
 eyes. Pretend they were Chickens ? " 
 
 "Are you afraid of their great big eyes, 
 Bruno ? " I said. 
 
 " Aren't '/raid of nothing," Bruno answered in 
 as care»less a tone as he could manage : " they're 
 ugly with their great big eyes. I think if they 
 cried, the tears would be as big — oh, as big as 
 
222 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 the moon ! " And he laughed merrily. " Doos 
 Owls cry ever, Mister Sir ? " 
 
 "Owls cry never," I said gravely, trying to 
 copy Bruno's way of speaking: "they've got 
 nothing to be sorry for, you know." 
 
 "Oh, but they have!" Bruno exclaimed. 
 "They're ever so sorry, 'cause they killed the 
 poor little Mouses ! " 
 
 " But they're not sorry when they're hungry, 
 I suppose ? " 
 
 " Oo don't know nothing about Owls ! " Bruno 
 scornfully remarked. '' When they're hungry, 
 they're very, very sorry they killed the little 
 Mouses, 'cause if they hadrit killed them there'd 
 be sumfin for supper, oo know ! " 
 
 Bruno was evidently getting into a danger- 
 ously inventive state of mind, so Sylvie broke in 
 with " Now I'm going on with the story. So 
 the Owls — the Chickens, I mean — w T ere looking 
 to see if they could find a nice fat Mouse for 
 their supper " 
 
 " Pretend it was a nice 'abbit ! " said Bruno. 
 
 " But it wasrit a nice habit, to kill Mouses," 
 Sylvie argued. " I can't pretend that!" 
 
 " I didn't say 'habit,' oo silly fellow ! " Bruno 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 223 
 
 replied with a merry twinkle in his eye. u, ab- 
 bits — that runs about in the fields ! " 
 
 " Rabbit? Well it can be a Rabbit, if you 
 like. But you mustn't alter my story so much, 
 Bruno. A Chicken couldn't eat a Rabbit ! " 
 
 " But it might have wished to see if it could 
 try to eat it." 
 
 "Well, it wished to see if it could try — oh, 
 really, Bruno, that's nonsense ! I shall go back 
 to the Owls." 
 
 " Well then, pretend they hadn't great eyes ! " 
 
 " And they saw a little Boy," Sylvie went 
 on, disdaining to make any further corrections. 
 "And he asked them to tell him a story. And 
 
 the Owls hooted and flew away " (" Oo 
 
 shouldn't say ' fiezvea I;' 00 should say ' fliedy 
 Bruno whispered. But Sylvie wouldn't hear.) 
 "And he met a Lion. And he asked the Lion 
 to tell him a story. And the Lion said 'yes,' 
 it would. And, while the Lion was telling him 
 the story, it nibbled some of his head off " 
 
 "Don't say 'nibbled'!" Bruno entreated. 
 " Only little things nibble— little thin sharp 
 things, with edges " 
 
 " Well then, it ' nubblcd^ " said Sylvie. " And 
 
224 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 when it had nubbled all his head off, he went 
 away, and he never said ' thank you ' ! " 
 
 " That were very rude," said Bruno. "If he 
 couldn't speak, he might have nodded — no, 
 he couldn't nod. Well, he might have shaked 
 hands with the Lion ! " 
 
 "Oh, I'd forgotten that part!" said Sylvie. 
 " He did shake hands with it. He came back 
 again, you know, and he thanked the Lion very 
 much, for telling him the story." 
 
 " Then his head had growed up again ? " said 
 Bruno. 
 
 " Oh yes, it grew up in a minute. And the 
 Lion begged pardon, and said it wouldn't nubble 
 off little boys' heads — not never no more ! " 
 
 Bruno looked much pleased at this change of 
 events. " Now that are a really nice story ! " 
 he said. "Aren't it a nice story, Mister Sir?" 
 
 " Very," I said. " I would like to hear an- 
 other story about that Boy." 
 
 " So would /," said Bruno, stroking Sylvie's 
 cheek again. "Please tell about Bruno's Pic- 
 nic ; and don't talk about nubbly Lions ! " 
 
 " I won't, if it frightens you," said Sylvie. 
 
 " Flightens me!" Bruno exclaimed indig- 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 225 
 
 nantly. "It isn't that ! It's 'cause ' nubbly '' s 
 such a grumbly word to say — when one per- 
 son's got her head on another person's shoul- 
 der. When she talks like that," he explained 
 to me, " the talking goes down bofe sides of 
 my face — all the way to my chin — and it doos 
 tickle so! It's enough to make a beard grow, 
 that it is ! " 
 
 He said this with great severity, but it was 
 evidently meant for a joke : so Sylvie laughed 
 — a delicious musical little laugh, and laid her 
 soft cheek on the top of her brother's curly 
 head, as if it were a pillow, while she went on 
 with the story. " So this Boy " 
 
 " But it wasn't me, 00 know ! " Bruno inter- 
 rupted. " And 00 needn't try to look as if it 
 was, Mister Sir ! " 
 
 I represented, respectfully, that I was trying 
 to look as if it wasn't. 
 
 " — he was a middling good Boy " 
 
 "He were a welly good Boy ! " Bruno cor- 
 rected her. "And he never did nothing- he 
 wasn't told to do " 
 
 " That doesn't make a good Boy ! " Sylvie 
 said contemptuously. 
 
 Q 
 
226 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 " That do make a good Boy ! " Bruno in- 
 sisted. 
 
 Sylvie gave up the point. " Well, he was 
 a very good Boy, and he always kept his pro- 
 mises, and he had a big cupboard " 
 
 " — for to keep all his promises in ! " cried 
 Bruno. 
 
 "If he kept all his promises," Sylvie said, 
 with a mischievous look in her eyes, " he wasn't 
 like. some Boys I know of! " 
 
 "He had to put salt with them, a-course," 
 Bruno said gravely : " oo ca'n't keep promises 
 when there isn't any salt. And he kept his 
 birthday on the second shelf." 
 
 "How long did he keep his birthday?" I 
 asked. " I never can keep mine more than 
 twenty-four hours." 
 
 " Why, a birthday stays that long by itself! " 
 cried Bruno. " Oo doosn't know how to keep 
 birthdays ! This Boy kept his a whole year ! " 
 
 " And then the next birthday would begin," 
 said Sylvie. "So it would be his birthday 
 always" 
 
 " So it were," said Bruno. " Doos oo have 
 treats on oor birthday, Mister Sir ? " 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 227 
 
 " Sometimes," I said. 
 
 " When oo're good, I suppose?" 
 
 "Why, it is a sort of treat, being good, isn't 
 it ? " I said. 
 
 "A sort of treat!" Bruno repeated. "It's 
 a sort of punishment, I think ! " 
 
 " Oh, Bruno ! " Sylvie interrupted, almost 
 sadly, " How can you ? " 
 
 "Well, but it is," Bruno persisted. "Why, 
 look here, Mister Sir ! This is beingr Q-ood ! " 
 And he sat bolt upright, and put on an 
 absurdly solemn face. " First 00 must sit up 
 as straight as pokers " 
 
 " — as a poker," Sylvie corrected him. 
 
 " — as straight as pokers" Bruno firmly 
 repeated. "Then 00 must clasp oor hands — 
 so. Then — ' Why hasn't 00 brushed oor 
 hair ? Go and brush it toreckly ! ' Then — 
 ' Oh, Bruno, 00 mustn't closes-ear the daisies! ' 
 Did 00 learn oor spelling wiz daisies, Mister 
 Sir?" 
 
 " I want to hear about that Boy's Birthday" 
 I said. 
 
 Bruno returned to the story instantly. 
 " Well, so this Boy said ' Now it's my Birth- 
 
 Q 2 
 
228 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 day ! ' And so — I'm tired ! " he suddenly broke 
 off, laying" his head on Sylvie's lap. " Sylvie 
 knows it best. Sylvie's grown-upper than me. 
 Go on, Sylvie ! " 
 
 Sylvie patiently took up the thread of the 
 story again. "So he said ' Now it's my 
 Birthday. Whatever shall I do to keep my 
 Birthday ? All good little Boys — — " (Sylvie 
 turned away from Bruno, and made a great pre- 
 tence of whispering to me) " — all good little 
 Boys — Boys that learn their lessons quite 
 perfect — they always keep their birthdays, 
 you know. So of course this little Boy kept 
 his Birthday." 
 
 " Oo may call him Bruno, if oo like," the 
 little fellow carelessly remarked. "It weren't 
 me, but it makes it more interesting." 
 
 " So Bruno said to himself ' The properest 
 thing to do is to have a Picnic, all by myself, 
 on the top of the hill. And I'll take some 
 Milk, and some Bread, and some Apples : and 
 first and foremost, I want some Milk ! ' So, 
 first and foremost, Bruno took a milk-pail " 
 
 "And he went and milkted the Cow!" 
 Bruno put in. 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 229 
 
 ''Yes," said Sylvie, meekly accepting the 
 new verb. " And the Cow said ' Moo ! What 
 are you going to do with all that Milk ? ' And 
 Bruno said ' Please'm, I want it for my Picnic' 
 And the Cow said ' Moo ! But I hope you 
 won't boil any of it ? ' And Bruno said ' No, 
 indeed I won't ! New Milk's so nice and so 
 warm, it wants no boiling ! ' " 
 
 " It doesn't want no boiling," Bruno offered 
 as an amended version. 
 
 " So Bruno put the Milk in a bottle. And 
 then Bruno said ' Now I want some Bread ! ' 
 So he went to the Oven, and he took out a 
 delicious new Loaf. And the Oven " 
 
 " — ever so light and so puffy!" Bruno 
 impatiently corrected her. " Oo shouldn't 
 leave out so many words ! " 
 
 Sylvie humbly apologised. " — a delicious 
 new Loaf, ever so light and so puffy. And 
 
 the Oven said " Here Sylvie made a long 
 
 pause. " Really I don't know what an Oven 
 begins with, when it wants to speak ! " 
 
 Both children looked appeal ingly at me ; but 
 I could only say, helplessly, " I haven't the 
 least idea ! / never heard an Oven speak ! " 
 
230 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 For a minute or two we all sat silent ; and 
 then Bruno said, very softly, " Oven begins 
 wiz ' O '." 
 
 " Good little boy ! " Sylvie exclaimed. "He 
 does his spelling very nicely. Hes cleverer 
 than he knows ! " she added, aside, to me. 
 " So the Oven said ' O ! What are you going 
 to do with all that Bread ? ' And Bruno said 
 
 'Please ' Is an Oven ' Sir ' or ''m,' would 
 
 you say ? " She looked to me for a reply. 
 
 " Both, I think," seemed to me the safest 
 thing to say. 
 
 Sylvie adopted the suggestion instantly. 
 " So Bruno said ' Please, Sirm, I want it for 
 my Picnic' And the Oven said 'O! But I 
 hope you wo'n't toast any of it ? ' And 
 Bruno said ' No, indeed I wo'n't ! New 
 Bread's so light and so puffy, it wants no 
 toasting ! ' " 
 
 "It never doesn't want no toasting," said 
 Bruno. " I wiss oo wouldn't say it so 
 short ! " 
 
 " So Bruno put the Bread in the hamper. 
 Then Bruno said ' Now I want some Apples ! ' 
 So he took the hamper, and he went to the 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 231 
 
 Apple-Tree, and he picked some lovely ripe 
 
 Apples. And the Apple-Tree said " Here 
 
 followed another long pause. 
 
 Bruno adopted his favourite expedient of 
 tapping his forehead ; while Sylvie gazed 
 earnestly upwards, as if she hoped for some 
 suggestion from the birds, who were singing 
 merrily among the branches overhead. But 
 no result followed. 
 
 "What does an Apple-tree begin with, when 
 it wants to speak ? " Sylvie murmured despair- 
 ingly, to the irresponsive birds. 
 
 At last, taking a leaf out of Bruno's book, 
 I ventured on a remark. " Doesn't ' Apple- 
 tree ' always begin with ' Eh ! ' ? " 
 
 " Why, of course it does ! How clever of 
 you ! " Sylvie cried delightedly. 
 
 Bruno jumped up, and patted me on the 
 head. I tried not to feel conceited. 
 
 " So the Apple-Tree said ' Eh ! What are 
 you going to do with all those Apples ? ' And 
 Bruno said ' Please, Sir, I want them for 
 my Picnic' And the Apple-Tree said 'Eh! 
 But I hope you wo'n't bake any of them ? ' 
 And Bruno said ' No, indeed I wo'n't ! Ripe 
 
232 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 Apples are so nice and so sweet, they want 
 no baking ! ' " 
 
 " They never doesn't " Bruno was be- 
 ginning, but Sylvie corrected herself before he 
 could oret the words out. 
 
 " ' They never doesn't nohow want no 
 baking.' So Bruno put the Apples in the 
 hamper, along with the Bread, and the bottle 
 of Milk. And he set off to have a Picnic, 
 on the top of the hill, all by himself " 
 
 "He wasn't greedy, oo know, to have it all 
 by himself," Bruno said, patting me on the 
 cheek to call my attention ; " 'cause he hadn't 
 got no brothers and sisters." 
 
 "It was very sad to have no sisters, wasn't 
 it ? " I said. 
 
 " Well, I don't know," Bruno said thought- 
 fully ; " 'cause he hadn't no lessons to do. So 
 he didn't mind." 
 
 Sylvie went on. " So, as he was walking 
 along the road, he heard behind him such a 
 curious sort of noise — a sort of a Thump ! 
 Thump ! Thump ! ' Whatever is that ? ' said 
 Bruno. ' Oh, I know ! ' said Bruno. ' Why, 
 it's only my Watch a-ticking ! ' 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 233 
 
 " Were it his Watch a-ticking ? " Bruno 
 asked me, with eyes that fairly sparkled with 
 mischievous delight. 
 
 " No doubt of it ! " I replied. And Bruno 
 laughed exultingly. 
 
 " Then Bruno thought a little harder. And 
 he said 'No! It cant be my Watch a-tick- 
 ing ; because I haven't^?/ a Watch ! ' 
 
 Bruno peered up anxiously into my face, 
 to see how I took it. I hung my head, and 
 put a thumb into my mouth, to the evident 
 delight of the little fellow. 
 
 " So Bruno went a little further alono- the 
 road. And then he heard it again, that queer 
 noise — Thump ! Thump ! Thump ! ' What 
 ever is that ? ' said Bruno. ' Oh, I know ! ' 
 said Bruno. ' Why, it's only the Carpenter 
 a-mending my Wheelbarrow ! ' " 
 
 " Were it the Carterpenter a-mending his 
 Wheelbarrow ?" Bruno asked me. 
 
 I brightened up, and said "It must have 
 been ! " in a tone of absolute conviction. 
 
 Bruno threw his arms round Sylvie's neck. 
 " Sylvie ! " he said, in a perfectly audible 
 whisper. "He says it must have been ! " 
 
234 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 " Then Bruno thought a little harder. And 
 he said ' No ! It cant be the Carpenter 
 a-mending my Wheelbarrow, because I haven't 
 got a Wheelbarrow ! ' " 
 
 This time I hid my face in my hands, quite 
 unable to meet Bruno's look of triumph. 
 
 " So Bruno went a little further along the 
 road. And then he heard that queer noise 
 again — Thump ! Thump ! Thump ! So he 
 thought he'd look round, this time, just to see 
 what it was. And what should it be but a 
 great Lion ! " 
 
 "A great bisf Lion," Bruno corrected her. 
 
 " A o-reat bio- Lion. And Bruno was ever 
 so frightened, and he ran " 
 
 " No, he wasn't /lightened a bit ! " Bruno 
 interrupted. (He was evidently anxious for 
 the reputation of his namesake.) "He runned 
 away to get a good look at the Lion ; 'cause 
 he wanted to see if it were the same Lion 
 what used to nubble little Boys' heads off; and 
 he wanted to know how big it was ! " 
 
 " Well, he ran away, to get a good look at 
 the Lion. And the Lion trotted slowly after 
 him. And the Lion called after him, in a very 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 235 
 
 gentle voice, ' Little Boy, little Boy ! You 
 needn't be afraid of me! I'm a very gentle 
 old Lion now. I never nubble little Boys' 
 heads off, as I used to do.' And so Bruno 
 said ' Don't you really, Sir ? Then what do 
 you live on ? ' And the Lion " 
 
 " Oo see he weren't a bit flightened ! " 
 Bruno said to me, patting my cheek again, 
 " 'cause he remembered to call it ' Sir,' 00 
 know." 
 
 I said that no doubt that was the real test 
 whether a person was frightened or not. 
 
 " And the Lion said ' Oh, I live on bread- 
 and-butter, and cherries, and marmalade, and 
 plum -cake 
 
 " — and apples ! " Bruno put in. 
 
 "Yes, 'and apples.' And Bruno said ' Wo'n't 
 you come with me to my Picnic ? ' And the 
 Lion said ' Oh, I should like it very much 
 indeed /' And Bruno and the Lion went away 
 together." Sylvie stopped suddenly. 
 
 " Is that all?'' I asked, despondingly. 
 
 " Not quite all," Sylvie slily replied. " There's 
 a sentence or two more. Isn't there, Bruno ? " 
 
 " Yes," with a carelessness that was evi- 
 
236 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 dently put on : "just a sentence or two 
 more." 
 
 "And, as they were walking along, they 
 looked over a hedge, and who should they see 
 but a little black Lamb ! And the Lamb was 
 ever so frightened. And it ran " 
 
 " It were really (lightened ! " Bruno put in. 
 
 "It ran away. And Bruno ran after it. And 
 he called ' Little Lamb ! You needn't be afraid 
 of this Lion! It never kills things! It lives 
 on cherries, and marmalade 
 
 " — and apples!" said Bruno. " Oo 
 alzvays forgets the apples ! " 
 
 "And Bruno said ' Wo'n't you come with 
 us to my Picnic ? ' And the Lamb said ' Oh, 
 I should like it very much indeed, if my Ma 
 will let me ! ' And Bruno said ' Let's go and 
 ask your Ma ! ' And they went to the old 
 Sheep. And Bruno said ' Please, may your 
 little Lamb come to my Picnic ? ' And the 
 Sheep said ' Yes, if it's learnt all its lessons.' 
 And the Lamb said 'Oh yes, Ma! I've learnt 
 all my lessons ! ' " 
 
 " Pretend it hadn't any lessons ! " Bruno 
 earnestly pleaded. 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 237 
 
 " Oh, that would never do ! " said Sylvie. 
 " I ca'n't leave out all about the lessons ! And 
 the old Sheep said ' Do you know your ABC 
 yet? Have you learnt A?' And the Lamb 
 said ' Oh yes, Ma ! I went to the A-field, and 
 I helped them to make A ! ' ' Very good, my 
 child ! And have you learnt B ? ' ' Oh yes, 
 Ma ! I went to the B-hive, and the B gave me 
 some honey ! ' ' Very good, my child ! And 
 have you learnt C ? ' ' Oh yes, Ma ! I went 
 to the C-side, and I saw the ships sailing on 
 the C ! ' ' Very good, my child ! You may go 
 to Bruno's Picnic' 
 
 " So they set off. And Bruno walked in the 
 middle, so that the Lamb mightn't see the 
 ion 
 
 "It were /lightened \" Bruno explained. 
 
 " Yes, and it trembled so ; and it got paler 
 and paler ; and, before they'd got to the top of 
 the hill, it was a ivhite little Lamb — as white 
 as snow ! " 
 
 " But Bruno weren't flightened ! " said 
 the owner of that name. " So he staid 
 black ! " 
 
 " No, he didrit stay black ! He staid pink ! " 
 
2 3 8 
 
 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 laughed Sylvie. " I shouldn't kiss you like this, 
 you know, if you were black / " 
 
 " Oo'd have to ! " Bruno said with Q-reat de- 
 cision. " Besides, Bruno wasn't Bruno, oo 
 know — I mean, Bruno wasn't me — I mean — 
 don't talk nonsense, Sylvie ! " 
 
 " I won't do it again ! " Sylvie said very 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 239 
 
 humbly. "And so, as they went along, the 
 Lion said ' Oh, I'll tell you what I used to do 
 when I was a young Lion. I used to hide be- 
 hind trees, to watch for little Boys.' " (Bruno 
 cuddled a little closer to her.) "'And, if a 
 little thin scraggy Boy came by, why, I used 
 to let him go. But, if a little fat juicy ' " 
 
 Bruno could bear no more. " Pretend he 
 wasn't juicy ! " he pleaded, half-sobbing. 
 
 " Nonsense, Bruno ! " Sylvie briskly replied. 
 
 "It'll be done in a moment! ' if a little 
 
 fat juicy Boy came by, why, I used to spring 
 out and gobble him up ! Oh, you've no idea 
 what a delicious thing it is — a little juicy Boy ! ' 
 And Bruno said ' Oh, if you please, Sir, dorit 
 talk about eating little boys! It makes me so 
 shivery ! ' " 
 
 The real Bruno shivered, in sympathy with 
 the hero. 
 
 " And the Lion said ' Oh, well, we wo'n't talk 
 about it, then! I'll tell you what happened on 
 my wedding day 
 
 " I like this part better," said Bruno, patting 
 my cheek to keep me awake. 
 
 " ' There was, oh, such a lovely wedding- 
 
240 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 breakfast ! At one end of the table there was 
 a large plum-pudding. And at the other end 
 there was a nice roasted Lamb ! Oh, you've 
 no idea what a delicious thing it is — a nice 
 roasted Lamb ! ' And the Lamb said ' Oh, if 
 you please, Sir, doiit talk about eating Lambs ! 
 It makes me so shivery /' And the Lion said 
 ' Oh, well, we wo'n't talk about it, then ! ' } 
 
 " So, when they got to the top of the hill, 
 Bruno opened the hamper : and he took out 
 the Bread, and the Apples, and the Milk : 
 and they ate, and they drank. And when 
 they'd finished the Milk, and eaten half the 
 Bread and half the Apples, the Lamb said 
 ' Oh, my paws is so sticky ! I want to wash 
 my paws ! ' And the Lion said ' Well, go 
 down the hill, and wash them in the brook, 
 yonder. We'll wait for you ! ' " 
 
 "It never corned back!" Bruno solemnly 
 whispered to me. 
 
 But Sylvie overheard him. "You're not to 
 whisper, Bruno! It spoils the story! And 
 when the Lamb had been gone a long time, 
 the Lion said to Bruno ' Do qt> and see after 
 that sillv little Lamb ! It must have lost its 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 24-1 
 
 way.' And Bruno went down the hill. And 
 when he got to the brook, he saw the Lamb 
 sitting on the bank : and who should be 
 sitting by it but an old Fox ! " 
 
 " Don't know who should be sitting by it," 
 Bruno said thoughtfully to himself. " A old 
 Fox were sitting by it." 
 
 " And the old Fox were saying," Sylvie went 
 on, for once conceding the grammatical point, 
 " 'Yes, my dear, you'll be ever so happy with 
 us, if you'll only come and see us! I've got 
 three little Foxes there, and we do love little 
 Lambs so dearly ! ' And the Lamb said ' But 
 you never eat them, do you, Sir ? ' And the 
 Fox said ' Oh, no ! What, cat a Lamb ? We 
 never dream of doing such a thing ! ' So the 
 Lamb said 'Then I'll come with you.' And 
 off they went, hand in hand." 
 
 " That Fox were welly extremely wicked, 
 werent it ? " said Bruno. 
 
 " No, no ! " said Sylvie, rather shocked at 
 such violent language. "It wasn't quite so 
 bad as that ! " 
 
 "Well, I mean, it wasn't nice," the little 
 fellow corrected himself. 
 
 R 
 
242 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 "And so Bruno went back to the Lion. 
 ' Oh, come quick ! ' he said. ' The Fox has 
 taken the Lamb to his house with him! I'm 
 sure he means to eat it ! ' And the Lion said 
 ' I'll come as quick as ever I can ! ' And they 
 trotted down the hill." 
 
 " Do oo think he caught the Fox, Mister 
 Sir ? " said Bruno. I shook my head, not 
 liking to speak : and Sylvie went on. 
 
 "And when they got to the house, Bruno 
 looked in at the window. And there he saw 
 the three little Foxes sitting round the table, 
 with their clean pinafores on, and spoons in 
 their hands " 
 
 " Spoons in their hands ! " Bruno repeated 
 in an ecstasy of delight. 
 
 "And the Fox had got a great big knife — 
 
 all ready to kill the poor little Lamb " 
 
 (" Oo needn't be flightened, Mister Sir!" 
 Bruno put in, in a hasty whisper.) 
 
 "And just as he was going to do it, 
 
 Bruno heard a great ROAR ■'■' (The 
 
 real Bruno put his hand into mine, and held 
 tight), "and the Lion came bang through 
 the door, and the next moment it had bitten 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 243 
 
 R 2 
 
244 BRUNO'S PICNIC 
 
 off the old Fox's head ! And Bruno jumped 
 in at the window, and went leaping round 
 the room, and crying out 'Hooray! Hooray! 
 The old Fox is dead ! The old Fox is 
 dead ! ' " 
 
 Bruno got up in some excitement. " May I 
 do it now ? " he enquired. 
 
 Sylvie was quite decided on this point. 
 " Wait till afterwards," she said. " The speeches 
 come next, don't you know ? You always love 
 the speeches, dorit you ? " 
 
 "Yes, I doos," said Bruno: and sat down 
 again. 
 
 "The Lion's speech. 'Now, you silly little 
 Lamb, go home to your mother, and never 
 listen to old Foxes again. And be very good 
 and obedient.' 
 
 " The Lamb's speech. ' Oh, indeed, Sir, I 
 will, Sir ! ' and the Lamb went away." (" But 
 oo needn't go away ! " Bruno explained. " It's 
 quite the nicest part — what's coming now ! " 
 Sylvie smiled. She liked having an appreci- 
 ative audience.) 
 
 "The Lion's speech to Bruno. 'Now, 
 Bruno, take those little Foxes home with you, 
 
BRUNO'S PICNIC 245 
 
 and teach them to be good obedient little 
 Foxes ! Not like that wicked old thing there, 
 that's got no head!' ("That hasn't got no 
 head," Bruno repeated.) 
 
 " Bruno's speech to the Lion. ' Oh, indeed, 
 Sir, I will, Sir ! ' And the Lion went away." 
 ("It gets betterer and betterer, now," Bruno 
 whispered to me, " right away to the end ! ") 
 
 " Bruno's speech to the little Foxes. ' Now, 
 little Foxes, you're going to have your first 
 lesson in being good. I'm going to put you 
 into the hamper, along with the Apples and the 
 Bread : and you're not to eat the Apples : and 
 you're not to eat the Bread : and you're not to 
 eat anything — till we get to my house : and 
 then you'll have your supper.' 
 
 " The little Foxes' speech to Bruno. The 
 little Foxes said nothing. 
 
CHAPTER XXI 
 
 LITTLE FOXES 
 
 " So Bruno put the Apples into the hamper 
 — and the little Foxes — and the Bread — " 
 (" They had picnicked all the Milk," Bruno 
 explained in a whisper) " — and he set off to 
 go to his house." (" We're getting near the 
 end now," said Bruno.) 
 
 " And, when he had got a little way, he 
 thought he would look into the hamper, and 
 see how the little Foxes were getting on." 
 
 " So he opened the door " said Bruno. 
 
 "Oh, Bruno!" Sylvie exclaimed, " you re not 
 telling the story ! So he opened the door, and 
 behold, there were no Apples ! So Bruno said 
 ' Eldest little Fox, have you been eating the 
 
LITTLE FOXES 247 
 
 Apples ? ' And the eldest little Fox said ' No 
 nono!" (It is impossible to give the tone in 
 which Sylvie repeated this rapid little ' No no 
 no ! ' The nearest I can come to it is to say 
 that it was much as if a young and excited 
 duck had tried to quack the words. It was too 
 quick for a quack, and yet too harsh to be any- 
 thing else.) " Then he said ' Second little Fox, 
 have you been eating the Apples ? ' And the 
 second little Fox said ' No no no ! ' Then he 
 said ' Youngest little Fox, have you been 
 eating the Apples ? ' And the youngest little 
 Fox tried to say 'No no no ! ' but its mouth 
 was so full, it couldn't, and it only said ' Wauch ! 
 Wauch ! Wauch ! ' And Bruno looked into 
 its mouth. And its mouth was full of Apples ! 
 And Bruno shook his head, and he said ' Oh 
 dear, oh dear ! What bad creatures these 
 Foxes are ! ' " 
 
 Bruno was listening intently : and, when 
 Sylvie paused to take breath, he could only 
 just gasp out the words " About the Bread ? " 
 
 "Yes," said Sylvie, "the Bread comes next. 
 So he shut the door again ; and he went a little 
 further ; and then he thought he'd just peep in 
 
248 LITTLE FOXES 
 
 once more. And behold, there was no Bread ! " 
 ("What do 'behold' mean?" said Bruno. 
 " Hush ! " said Sylvie.) " And he said ' Eldest 
 little Fox, have you been eating the Bread ? ' 
 And the eldest little Fox said ' No no no ! ' 
 ' Second little Fox, have you been eating the 
 Bread ? ' And the second little Fox only said 
 ' Wauch ! Wauch ! Wauch ! ' And Bruno 
 looked into its mouth, and its mouth was full of 
 Bread ! " (" It might have chokeded it," said 
 Bruno.) " So he said ' Oh dear, oh dear ! 
 What shall I do with these Foxes ? ' And he 
 went a little further." (" Now comes the most 
 interesting part," Bruno whispered.) 
 
 " And when Bruno opened the hamper again, 
 what do you think he saw?" ("Only tivo 
 Foxes ! " Bruno cried in a great hurry.) " You 
 shouldn't tell it so quick. However, he did 
 see only two Foxes. And he said ' Eldest 
 little Fox, have you been eating the youngest 
 little Fox ? ' And the eldest little Fox said 
 ' No no no ! ' ' Second little Fox, have you 
 been eating the youngest little Fox ? ' And 
 the second little Fox did its very best to say 
 'No no no!' but it could only say ' Weuchk ! 
 
LITTLE FOXES 249 
 
 Weuchk ! Weuchk !' And when Bruno looked 
 into its mouth, it was half full of Bread, and 
 half full of Fox ! " (Bruno said nothing in the 
 pause this time. He was beginning- to pant a 
 little, as he knew the crisis was coming.) 
 
 "And when he'd got nearly home, he looked 
 once more into the hamper, and he saw " 
 
 "Only — " Bruno began, but a generous 
 
 thought struck him, and he looked at me. " Oo 
 may say it, this time, Mister Sir!" he whis- 
 pered. It was a noble offer, but I wouldn't 
 rob him of the treat. "Go on, Bruno," I said, 
 "you say it much the best." "Only — but — 
 one — Fox!" Bruno said with great solemnity. 
 
 " ' Eldest little Fox,' " Sylvie said, dropping 
 the narrative-form in her eagerness, "'you've 
 been so good that I can hardly believe you've 
 been disobedient: but I'm afraid you've been 
 eating your little sister ? ' And the eldest little 
 Fox said ' Whihuauch ! Whihuauch ! ' and then 
 it choked. And Bruno looked into its mouth, 
 and it was full ! " (Sylvie paused to take 
 breath, and Bruno lay back among the daisies, 
 and looked at me triumphantly. " Isn't it 
 grand, Mister Sir?" said he. I tried hard to 
 
2So LITTLE FOXES 
 
 assume a critical tone. " It's grand," I said : 
 " but it frightens one so ! " " Oo may sit a 
 little closer to me, if oo like," said Bruno.) 
 
 " And so Bruno went home : and took the 
 hamper into the kitchen, and opened it. And 
 
 he saw " Sylvie looked at me, this time, as 
 
 if she thought I had been rather neglected and 
 ought to be allowed one guess, at any rate. 
 
LITTLE FOXES 251 
 
 "He ca'n't guess!" Bruno cried eagerly. 
 " I 'fraid I must tell him ! There weren't — 
 nuffin in the hamper ! " I shivered in terror, 
 and Bruno clapped his hands with de- 
 light. "He is flightened, Sylvie ! Tell the 
 rest ! " 
 
 " So Bruno said ' Eldest little Fox have you 
 been eating yotirself, you wicked little Fox ? ' 
 And the eldest little Fox said ' Whihuauch ! ' 
 And then Bruno saw there was only its mouth 
 in the hamper ! So he took the mouth, and he 
 opened it, and shook, and shook ! And at last 
 he shook the little Fox out of its own mouth ! 
 And then he said, ' Open your mouth again, 
 you wicked little thing ! ' And he shook, and 
 shook ! And he shook out the second little 
 Fox! And he said 'Now open your mouth!' 
 And he shook, and shook ! And he shook out 
 the youngest little Fox, and all the Apples, and 
 all the Bread ! 
 
 " And then Bruno stood the little Foxes up 
 against the wall : and he made them a little 
 speech. ' Now, little Foxes, you've begun very 
 wickedly — and you'll have to be punished. 
 First you'll go up to the nursery, and wash 
 
252 LITTLE FOXES 
 
 your faces, and put on clean pinafores. Then 
 you'll hear the bell ring for supper. Then you'll 
 come clown : and you wont have any supper : 
 but you'll have a good whipping ! Then you'll 
 go to bed. Then in the morning you'll hear 
 the bell ring for breakfast. Bid you wont have 
 any breakfast ! You'll have a good whipping ! 
 Then you'll have your lessons. And, perhaps, 
 if you're very good, when dinner-time comes, 
 you'll have a little dinner, and no more 
 whipping!' ("How very kind he was!" I 
 whispered to Bruno. "Middling kind," Bruno 
 corrected me gravely.) 
 
 " So the little Foxes ran up to the nursery. 
 And soon Bruno went into the hall, and rang 
 the big bell. ' Tingle, tingle, tingle ! Supper, 
 supper, supper ! ' Down came the little Foxes, 
 in such a hurry for their supper ! Clean pina- 
 fores ! Spoons in their hands ! And, when they 
 2"ot into the dining-room, there was ever such 
 a white table-cloth on the table ! But there was 
 nothing on it but a big whip. And they had 
 such a whipping ! " (I put my handkerchief to 
 my eyes, and Bruno hastily climbed upon my 
 knee and stroked my face. " Only one more 
 
LITTLE FOXES 253 
 
 whioping, Mister Sir! " he whispered. " Don't 
 cry more than 00 can't help ! ") 
 
 " And the next morning early, Bruno rang 
 the big bell again. ' Tingle, tingle, tingle ! 
 Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast ! ' Down came 
 the little Foxes ! Clean pinafores ! Spoons in 
 their hands ! No breakfast ! Only the big 
 whip! Then came lessons," Sylvie hurried on, 
 for I still had my handkerchief to my eyes. 
 "And the little Foxes were ever so sfood ! 
 And they learned their lessons backwards, 
 and forwards, and upside-down. And at last 
 Bruno rang the big bell again. ' Tingle, tingle, 
 tingle ! Dinner, dinner, dinner ! ' And when 
 
 the little Foxes came down " (" Had they 
 
 clean pinafores on?" Bruno enquired. "Of 
 course!" said Sylvie. " And spoons ? " "Why, 
 you know they had ! " " Couldn't be certain" 
 
 said Bruno.) " they came as slow as slow ! 
 
 And they said ' Oh ! There'll be no dinner ! 
 There'll only be the big whip ! ' But, when 
 they got into the room, they saw the most 
 lovely dinner!" ("Buns?" cried Bruno, clap- 
 ping his hands.) " Buns, and cake, and " 
 
 (" and jam?" said Bruno.) "Yes, jam — 
 
254 LITTLE FOXES 
 
 and soup — and " (" and sugar plums /" 
 
 Bruno put in once more ; and Sylvie seemed 
 satisfied.) 
 
 " And ever after that, they were such good 
 little Foxes ! They did their lessons as good 
 as gold — and they never did what Bruno told 
 them not to — and they never ate each other 
 any more — and they neve 7' ate themselves ! " 
 
 The story came to an end so suddenly, 
 it almost took my breath away ; however, I did 
 my best to make a pretty speech of thanks. 
 "I'm sure it's very — very — very much so, I'm 
 sure ! " I seemed to hear myself say. 
 
CHAPTER XXII 
 
 SYLVIE S MUSIC 
 
 And, in the silence that followed, the 
 stanzas of the song " Tottles " rang- through 
 the room. 
 
 The conclusion of the song was followed by 
 quite a chorus of thanks and compliments from 
 all parts of the room, which the gratified singer 
 responded to by bowing low in all directions. 
 "It is to me a great privilege," he said to Lady 
 Muriel, "to have met with this so marvellous a 
 song. The accompaniment to him is so strange, 
 so mysterious : it is as if a new music were to 
 be invented! I will play him once again so as 
 that to show you what I mean." He returned 
 to the piano, but the song had vanished. 
 
256 SYLVIE'S MUSIC 
 
 The bewildered singer searched through the 
 heap of music lying on an adjoining table, but 
 it was not there, either. Lady Muriel helped 
 in the search : others soon joined : the excite- 
 ment grew. " What can have become of it ? " 
 exclaimed Lady Muriel. Nobody knew : one 
 thing only was certain, that no one had been 
 near the piano since the Count had sung the 
 last verse of the song. 
 
 " Nevare mind him ! " he said, most good- 
 naturedly. " I shall give it you with memory 
 alone ! " He sat down, and began vaguely fin- 
 gering the notes ; but nothing resembling the 
 tune came out. Then he, too, grew excited. 
 " But what oddness ! How much of singularity ! 
 That I might lose, not the words alone, but 
 the tune also — that is quite curious, I sup- 
 pose ? " 
 
 We all supposed it, heartily. 
 
 "It was that sweet little boy, who found it 
 for me," the Count suggested. "Quite perhaps 
 he is the thief ? " 
 
 "Of course he is!" cried Lady Muriel. 
 " Bruno ! Where are you, my darling ? " 
 
 But no Bruno replied : it seemed that the 
 
SYLVIE'S MUSIC 257 
 
 two children had vanished as suddenly, and as 
 mysteriously, as the song. 
 
 " They are playing us a trick ! " Lady Muriel 
 gaily exclaimed. " This is only an ex tempore 
 Ofame of Hide-and-Seek ! That little Bruno is 
 an embodied Mischief!" 
 
 The suggestion was a welcome one to most 
 of us, for some of the guests were beginning 
 to look decidedly uneasy. A general search was 
 set on foot with much enthusiasm : curtains were 
 thrown back and shaken, cupboards opened, and 
 ottomans turned over ; but the number of pos- 
 sible hiding-places proved to be strictly limited ; 
 and the search came to an end almost as soon 
 as it had begun. 
 
 " They must have run out while we were 
 wrapped up in the song," Lady Muriel said, 
 addressing herself to the Count, who seemed 
 more agitated than the others ; "and no doubt 
 they've found their way back to the house- 
 keeper's room." 
 
 " Not by this door ! " was the earnest protest 
 of a knot of two or three gentlemen, who had 
 been grouped round the door (one of them 
 actually leaning against it) for the last half- 
 
 s 
 
258 SYLVIE'S MUSIC 
 
 hour, as they declared. " This door has not 
 been opened since the song began ! " 
 
 An uncomfortable silence followed this an- 
 nouncement. 
 
 Not yet at the end of her resources, Lady 
 Muriel rang the bell "Ask the housekeeper 
 to step here," she said, "and to bring the 
 children's walking things with her." 
 
 "I've brought them, my lady," said the 
 obsequious housekeeper, entering after another 
 minute of silence. " I thought the young 
 lady would have come to my room to put on 
 her boots. Here's your boots, my love ! " she 
 added cheerfully, looking in all directions for 
 the children. There was no answer, and she 
 turned to Lady Muriel with a puzzled smile. 
 " Have the little darlings hid themselves ? " 
 
 " I don't see them, just now," Lady Muriel 
 replied, rather evasively. " You can leave their 
 things here, Wilson. Fll dress them, when 
 they're ready to go." 
 
 Finally, the things were piled together on the 
 centre-ottoman, and the guests, despairing of 
 seeing the children again, began to wish good- 
 night and leave the house. 
 
SYLVIE'S MUSIC 259 
 
 There were only some eight or nine left — 
 to whom the Count was explaining, for the 
 twentieth time, how he had had his eye on the 
 children during the last verse of the song ; how 
 he had then glanced round the room, to see 
 what effect "de great chest-note" had had 
 upon his audience ; and how, when he looked 
 back again, they had both disappeared — when 
 exclamations of dismay began to be heard 
 on all sides, the Count hastily bringing his 
 story to an end to join in the outcry. 
 
 The walking-things had all disappeared ! 
 
 After the utter failure of the search for the 
 children, there was a very half-hearted search 
 made for their apparel. The remaining guests 
 seemed only too glad to get away, leaving only 
 the Count and our four selves. 
 
 The Count sank into an easy-chair, and 
 panted a little. 
 
 " Who then are these dear children, I pray 
 you?" he said. "Why come they, why go 
 they, in this so little ordinary a fashion ? That 
 the music should make itself to vanish — that 
 the hats, the boots, should make themselves tc 
 vanish — how is it, I pray you ? " 
 
 s 2 
 
26o SYLVIE'S MUSIC 
 
 " I've no idea where they are ! " was all I 
 could say, on finding myself appealed to, by 
 general consent, for an explanation. 
 
 The Count seemed about to ask further 
 questions, but checked himself. 
 
 "The hour makes himself to become late," 
 he said. " I wish to you a very good night, 
 my Lady. I betake myself to my bed — to 
 dream — if that indeed I be not dreaming 
 now!" And he hastily left the room. 
 
 "I'm so glad I've seen Sylvie ! " said Lady 
 Muriel the next morning. " My heart went 
 out to the child the first moment that I saw 
 
 her Listen ! " she broke off suddenly. 
 
 "That's Sylvie singing! I'm sure of it! 
 Don't you know her voice ? " 
 
 " I have heard Bruno sing, more than once," 
 I said: "but I never heard Sylvie." 
 
 " I have only heard her once" said Lady 
 Muriel. " It was that day when you brought 
 us those mysterious flowers. The children 
 had run out into the garden : and Sylvie was 
 sinofing", under the trees, a son^ I had never 
 heard before. The words were something 
 like T think it is Love, I feel it is Love.' 
 
SYLVIE'S MUSIC 
 
 261 
 
 j5 
 
 H 
 
 kMJ'" 
 
262 SYLVIE'S MUSIC 
 
 Listen ! " she cried, breaking off again in her 
 excitement. "That is her voice, and that's 
 the very song ! " 
 
 The song ceased just as they came into 
 sight : but, to my delight, Bruno instantly said 
 "Let's sing it all again, Sylvie ! It did sound 
 so pretty ! " And Sylvie replied "Very well. 
 It's you to begin, you know." 
 
 So Bruno began, in the sweet childish treble 
 I knew so well : — 
 
 " Say, what is the spell, when her fledgelings are 
 cheeping, 
 That lures the bird home to her nest ? 
 Or wakes the tired mother, whose infant is weeping, 
 
 To cuddle and croon it to rest ? 
 What's the magic that charms the glad babe in her 
 arms, 
 Till it cooes with the voice of the dove ? " 
 
 Sylvie's part was a very short one — only a 
 few words — and she sang it timidly, and very 
 low indeed, scarcely audibly, but the sweetness 
 of her voice was simply indescribable. 
 
 " ' Tis a secret, and so let us wJiisper it low — 
 And the name of the secret is Love!" 
 
SYLVIE'S MUSIC 263 
 
 The figures of the children became vague 
 and shadowy, like glimmering meteors : while 
 their voices rang together in exquisite harmony 
 as they sang : — 
 
 "For I think it is Love, 
 For I feel it is Love, 
 For I'm sure it is nothing but Love ! " 
 
 Bruno again sang by himself : — 
 
 " Say, whence is the voice that, when anger is 
 burning, 
 Bids the whirl of the tempest to cease ? 
 That stirs the vexed soul with an aching — a 
 yearning 
 For the brotherly hand-grip of peace ? 
 Whence the music that fills all our being — that 
 thrills 
 Around us, beneath, and above?" 
 
 Sylvie sang more courageously this time : 
 the words seemed to carry her away, out of 
 herself : — 
 
 " ' Tis a secret : none knows how it comes, Jww it 
 goes : 
 But the name of the secret is Love ! " 
 
264 SYLVIE'S MUSIC 
 
 And clear and strong the chorus rano- out : — 
 
 " For I think it is Love, 
 For I feel it is Love, 
 For Fin sure it is notJiing but Love ! " 
 
 Once more we heard Bruno's delicate little 
 voice alone : — 
 
 " Say whose is the skill that paints valley and MIL 
 Like a picture so fair to the sight ? 
 That flecks the green meadoiv with sunshine and 
 shadow, 
 Till the little lambs leap with delight ?"' 
 
 And again uprose that silvery voice, whose 
 angelic sweetness I could hardly bear : — 
 
 " ' Tis a secret untold to hearts cruel and cold, 
 Though 'tis sung, by the angels above, 
 In notes that ring clear for the cars that can 
 hear — 
 And the name of the secret is Love!" 
 
 And then Bruno joined in again with 
 
 " For I think it is Love, 
 For I feel it is Love, 
 For Fin sure it is nothing but Love ! " 
 
SYLVIE'S MUSIC 265 
 
 " That are pretty ! " the little fellow exclaimed, 
 as the children passed us. 
 
 " No use to try and stop them ! " I said, as 
 they passed away into the shadows. "Why, 
 they could not even see us ! " 
 
 " No use at all," Lady Muriel echoed with a 
 sigh. " One would like to meet them again, in 
 living form ! But I feel, somehow, that can 
 never be. They have passed out of our lives ! " 
 
CHAPTER XXIII 
 
 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 The lonely evening seemed long and 
 tedious : yet I lingered on, watching the 
 dying fire, and there I saw now the Pro- 
 fessor's jolly round face, beaming with de- 
 light. " You're welcome, my little ones ! " he 
 seemed to say. 
 
 " I told them you were coming. Your rooms 
 are all ready for you. And the Emperor and 
 the Empress — well, I think they're rather 
 pleased than otherwise ! In fact, Her High- 
 ness said ' I hope they'll be in time for the 
 Banquet ! ' Those were her very words, I 
 assure you ! " 
 
 " Will Uggug be at the Banquet ? " Bruno 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 267 
 
 asked. And both children looked uneasy at 
 the dismal suggestion. 
 
 " Why, of course he will ! " chuckled the 
 Professor. " Why, it's his birthday, don't you 
 know ? And his health will be drunk, and all 
 that sort of thing. What would the Banquet 
 be without Jiim ? " 
 
 " Ever so much nicer," said Bruno. But he 
 said it in a very low voice, and nobody but 
 Sylvie heard him. 
 
 The Professor chuckled aoain. " It'll be a 
 jolly Banquet, now you've come, my little man ! 
 I am so glad to see you again ! " 
 
 " I 'fraid we've been very long in coming," 
 Bruno politely remarked. 
 
 "Well, yes," the Professor assented. " How- 
 ever, you're very short now you're come : that's 
 some comfort." And he went on to enumerate 
 the plans for the day. "The Lecture comes 
 first," he said. " That the Empress insists on. 
 She says people will eat so much at the Ban- 
 quet, they'll be too sleepy to attend to the 
 Lecture afterwards — and perhaps she's right. 
 There'll just be a little refreshment, when the 
 people first arrive. Then comes the Lecture " 
 
268 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 "What? The Lecture you were getting 
 ready — ever so long ago ? " Sylvie enquired. 
 
 "Yes — that's the one," the Professor rather 
 reluctantly admitted. "It has taken a goodish 
 time to prepare. I've got so many other 
 things to attend to. For instance, I'm Court- 
 Physician. I have to keep all the Royal 
 Servants in srood health — and that reminds 
 me ! " he cried, ringfinof the bell in a great 
 hurry. " This is Medicine-Day ! We only 
 give Medicine once a week. If we were to 
 begin giving it every day, the bottles would 
 soon be empty ! " 
 
 "But if they were ill on the other days ? " 
 Sylvie suggested. 
 
 "What, ill on the wrong day!" exclaimed 
 the Professor. "Oh, that would never do! 
 A servant would be dismissed at once, who 
 was ill on the wrong day ! This is the Medi- 
 cine for today" he went on, taking down a 
 large jug from a shelf. " I mixed it, myself, 
 first thing this morning. Taste it ! " he said, 
 holding out the jug to Bruno. " Dip in your 
 finger, and taste it ! " 
 
 Bruno did so, and made such an excru- 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 269 
 
 ciatingly wry face that Sylvie exclaimed, in 
 alarm, " Oh, Bruno, you mustn't ! " 
 
 " It's welly extremely nasty ! " Bruno said, 
 as his face resumed its natural shape. 
 
 "Nasty?" said the Professor. "Why, of 
 course it is ! What would Medicine be, if it 
 wasn't nasty ? " 
 
 " Nice," said Bruno. 
 
 " I was going to say — " the Professor 
 faltered rather taken aback by the prompt- 
 ness of Bruno's reply, " that that would 
 
 never do ! Medicine has to be nasty, you 
 know. Be good enough to take this jug 
 down into the Servants' Hall," he said to the 
 footman who answered the bell: "and tell 
 them it's their Medicine for today." 
 
 "Which of them is to drink it?" the foot- 
 man asked, as he carried off the jug. 
 
 "Oh, I've not settled that yet!" the Pro- 
 fessor briskly replied. " I'll come and settle 
 that, soon. Tell them not to begin, on any 
 account, till I come! It's really Wonderful" 
 he said, turning to the children, " the suc- 
 cess I've had in curing Diseases ! Here are 
 some of my memoranda." He took down 
 
270 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 from the shelf a heap of little bits of paper, 
 pinned together in twos and threes. "Just 
 look at this set, now. ' Under- Cook Number 
 Thirteen recovered from Common Fever — Fe- 
 bris Communis? And now see what's pinned 
 to it. ' Gave Under-Cook Number Thirteen a 
 Double Dose of Medicine.' That's something 
 to be proud of, isn't it ? " 
 
 " But which happened first ? " said Sylvie, 
 looking very much puzzled. 
 
 The Professor examined the papers care- 
 fully. " They are not dated, I find," he said 
 with a slightly dejected air : " so I fear I ca'n't 
 tell you. But they both happened : there's no 
 doubt of that. The Medicine s the great thing, 
 you know. The Diseases are much less im- 
 portant. You can keep a Medicine for years 
 and years : but nobody ever wants to keep 
 a Disease ! By the way, come and look at 
 the platform. The Gardener asked me to 
 come and see if it would do. We may as 
 well cm before it gfets dark." 
 
 " We'd like to, very much ! " Sylvie replied. 
 " Come, Bruno, put on your hat. Don't keep 
 the dear Professor waitino- ! " 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 271 
 
 " Ca'n't find my hat! " the little fellow sadly 
 replied. " I were rolling it about. And it's 
 rolled itself away ! " 
 
 " Maybe it's rolled in there" Sylvie sug- 
 gested, pointing to a dark recess, the door of 
 which stood half open : and Bruno ran in to 
 look. After a minute he came slowly out 
 again, looking very grave, and carefully shut 
 the cupboard-door after him. 
 
 " It aren't in there," he said, with such un- 
 usual solemnity, that Sylvie's curiosity was 
 roused. 
 
 " What is in there, Bruno ? " 
 
 " There's cobwebs — and two spiders — " 
 Bruno thoughtfully replied, checking off the 
 
 catalogue on his fingers, " and the cover 
 
 of a picture-book — and a tortoise — and a 
 dish of nuts — and an old man." 
 
 " An old man ! " cried the Professor, trotting 
 across the room in great excitement. "Why, 
 it must be the Other Professor, that's been lost 
 for ever so long ! " 
 
 He opened the door of the cupboard wide : 
 and there he was, the Other Professor, sitting 
 in a chair, with a book on his knee, and in the 
 
272 
 
 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 act of helping himself to a nut from a dish, 
 which he had taken down off a shelf just 
 within his reach. He looked round at us, but 
 
 ££i- 
 
 said nothing till he had cracked and eaten the 
 
 nut. Then he asked the old question, 
 the Lecture all ready ? " 
 
 Is 
 
 It'll beoin in an hour," the Professor said, 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 273 
 
 evading the question. " First, comes the 
 Banquet " 
 
 " The Banquet ! " cried the Other Pro- 
 fessor, springing up, and filling the room 
 with a cloud of dust. Then I'd better 00 
 and— and brush myself a little. What a state 
 I'm in!" 
 
 "He does want brushing ! " the Professor 
 said, with a critical air, " Here's your hat, little 
 man! I had put it on by mistake. I'd quite 
 forgotten I had one on, already. Let's go 
 and look at the platform." 
 
 "And there's that nice old Gardener sino- 
 ing still ! " Bruno exclaimed in delight, as we 
 went out into the warden. "I do believe he's 
 been singing that very song ever since we 
 went away ! " 
 
 "Why, of course he has ! " replied the Pro- 
 fessor. "It wouldn't be the thing to leave off, 
 you know." 
 
 "Wouldn't be ivhat thino- ? " said Bruno: 
 but the Professor thought it best not to hear 
 the question. " What are you doing with that 
 hedgehog ? " he shouted at the Gardener, whom 
 they found standing upon one foot, singing 
 
 T 
 
274 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 softly to himself, and rolling a hedgehog up 
 and down with the other foot. 
 
 "Well, I wanted fur to know what hedge- 
 hogs lives on : so I be a-keeping this here 
 hedgehog — fur to see if it eats potatoes " 
 
 " Much better keep a potato," said the Pro- 
 fessor ; " and see if hedgehogs eat it ! " 
 
 " That be the roight way, sure-ly ! " the de- 
 lighted Gardener exclaimed. " Be you come 
 to see the platform ? " 
 
 "Aye, aye!" the Professor cheerily replied, 
 " And the children have come back, you 
 see ! 
 
 The Gardener looked round at them with a 
 grin. Then he led the way to the Pavilion ; 
 and as he went he sang : — 
 
 " He looked again, and found it was 
 A Double Rule of Three : 
 ' A nd all its Mystery' he said, 
 ' Is clear as day to me ! ' " 
 
 " You've been months over that song," said 
 the Professor. " Isn't it finished yet ? " 
 
 "There be only one verse more," the Gar- 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 275 
 
 dener sadly replied. And, with tears streaming 
 down his cheeks, he sang the last verse : — 
 
 "He thought he sazv an Argument 
 That proved he was the Pope : 
 
 He looked again, and found it was 
 A Bar of Mottled Soap. 
 
 ' A fact so dread,' he faintly said, 
 ' Extinguishes all hope ! ' " 
 
 Choking with sobs, the Gardener hastily 
 stepped on a few yards ahead of the party, 
 to conceal his emotion. 
 
 "Did he see the Bar of Mottled Soap?" 
 Sylvie enquired, as we followed. 
 
 " Oh, certainly ! " said the Professor. " That 
 song is his own history, you know." 
 
 Tears of an ever-ready sympathy glittered 
 in Bruno's eyes. " I's welly sorry he isn't the 
 Pope!" he said. " Aren't you sorry, Sylvie?" 
 
 "Well — I hardly know," Sylvie replied in 
 the vaguest manner. " Would it make hirn 
 any happier ? " she asked the Professor. 
 
 "It wouldn't make the Pope any happier," 
 said the Professor. " Isn't the platform lovely ? " 
 he asked, as we entered the Pavilion. 
 
 t 2 
 
276 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 " I've put an extra beam under it ! " said the 
 Gardener, patting" it affectionately as he spoke. 
 "And now it's that strong, as — as a mad 
 elephant might dance upon it ! " 
 
 "Thank you very much!" the Professor 
 heartily rejoined. " I don't know that we shall 
 exactly require — but it's convenient to know." 
 And he led the children upon the platform, to 
 explain the arrangements to them. " Here are 
 three seats, you see, for the Emperor and the 
 Empress and Prince Uggug. But there must 
 be two more chairs here ! " he said, looking- 
 down at the Gardener. " One for Lady Sylvie, 
 and one for the smaller animal ! " 
 
 "And may I help in the Lecture?" said 
 Bruno. " I can do some conjuring'-tricks." 
 
 " Well, it's not exactly a conjuring lecture," 
 the Professor said, as he arranged some curious- 
 looking machines on the table. " However, 
 what can you do ? Did you ever go through a 
 table, for instance ? " 
 
 " Often ! " said Bruno. "■Haven't I, Sylvie ? " 
 
 The Professor was evidently surprised, though 
 he tried not to show it. "This must be 
 looked into," he muttered to himself, taking 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 277 
 
 out a note-book. "And first — what kind of 
 table ? " 
 
 " Tell him ! " Bruno whispered to Sylvie, 
 putting his arms round her neck. 
 
 " Tell him yourself," said Sylvie. 
 
 " Ca'n't," said Bruno. " It's a bony word." 
 
 "Nonsense!" laughed Sylvie. "You can 
 say it well enough, if you only try. Come ! " 
 
 " Muddle " said Bruno. " That's a bit 
 
 of it." 
 
 " What does he say ? " cried the bewildered 
 Professor. 
 
 " He means the multiplication-table," Sylvie 
 explained. 
 
 The Professor looked annoyed, and shut up 
 his note-book again. " Oh, that's quite another 
 thing," he said. 
 
 " It are ever so many other things," said 
 Bruno. " Arent it, Sylvie?" 
 
 A loud blast of trumpets interrupted this 
 conversation. " Why, the entertainment has 
 begun ! " the Professor exclaimed, as he hur- 
 ried the children into the Reception-Saloon. 
 " I had no idea it was so late ! " 
 
 A small table, containing cake and wine, 
 
278 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 
 
 stood in a corner of the Saloon ; and here we 
 found the Emperor and Empress waiting for 
 us. 
 
 " So you're come at last ! " the Emperor 
 sulkily remarked, as the Professor and the 
 children took their places. 
 
 There was a rather awkward pause : the 
 Professor evidently didn't know how to begin. 
 The Empress leant forwards, and whispered to 
 him. "A few jokes, you know, Professor — 
 just to put people at their ease ! " 
 
 " True, true, Madam ! " the Professor meekly 
 replied. " This little boy " 
 
 " Please don't make any jokes about me ! " 
 Bruno exclaimed, his eyes filling with tears. 
 
 " I won't if you'd rather I didn't," said the 
 kind-hearted Professor. "It was only some- 
 thing about a Ship's Buoy : a harmless pun — 
 but it doesn't matter." Here he turned to the 
 crowd and addressed them in a loud voice. 
 "Learn your A's ! " he shouted. "Your B's ! 
 Your C's ! And your D's ! Then you'll be at 
 your ease ! " 
 
 There was a roar of laughter from all the 
 assembly, and then a great deal of confused 
 
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 279 
 
 whispering. " What was it he said ? Some- 
 thing" about bees, I fancy " 
 
 " It's difficult to get things started," the Pro- 
 fessor remarked to Bruno. "When once we 
 get started, it'll go on all right, you'll see." 
 
 "If 00 want to startle people," said Bruno, 
 "00 should put live frogs on their backs." 
 
 But Sylvie put her hand over his mouth, and 
 said, " He's rather tired, I think. He wants 
 the Lecture to begin." 
 
 " I want the supper to begin," Bruno cor- 
 rected her. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV 
 
 THE LECTURE 
 
 But now the Professor was in the act of 
 beginning the long-expected Lecture. 
 
 "In Science — in fact, in most things — it is 
 usually best to begin at the beginning. In some 
 things, of course, it's better to begin at the 
 other end. For instance, if you wanted to 
 paint a dog" green, it might be best to begin 
 with the tail, as it doesn't bite at that end. 
 And so " 
 
 " May / help oo ? " Bruno interrupted. 
 
 "Help me to do what?" said the puzzled 
 Professor, looking up for a moment, but keep- 
 ing- his finder on the book he was reading from, 
 so as not to lose his place. 
 
THE LECTURE 281 
 
 " To paint a dog green ! " cried Bruno. " Oo 
 can begin wiz its mouf, and I'll " 
 
 " No, no ! ".said the Professor. " We haven't 
 got to the Experiments yet. And so," return- 
 ing to his note-book, " I'll give you the Axioms 
 of Science. After that I shall exhibit some 
 Specimens. Then I shall explain a Process or 
 two. And I shall conclude with a few Ex- 
 periments. An Axiom, you know, is a thing 
 that you accept without contradiction. For 
 instance, if I were to say ' Here we are ! ', that 
 would be accepted without any contradiction, 
 and it's a nice sort of remark to begin a con- 
 versation with. So it would be an Axiom. Or 
 again, supposing I were to say ' Here we are 
 not ! ', that would be " 
 
 " a fib ! " cried Bruno. 
 
 "Oh, Bruno!" said Sylvie in a warning 
 whisper. " Of course it would be an Axiom, 
 if the Professor said it ! " 
 
 " that would be accepted, if people were 
 
 civil," continued the Professor; "so it would 
 be another Axiom." 
 
 "It might be an Axledum," Bruno said : 
 " but it wouldn't be true ! " 
 
282 THE LECTURE 
 
 "The First Axiom," the Professor read out 
 in a great hurry, "consists of these words, 
 ' Whatever is, is,' And the Second consists of 
 these words, ' Whatever isn't, isn't.' We will 
 now go on to the Specimens. The first tray 
 contains Crystals and other Things." He 
 drew it towards him, and again referred to his 
 note-book. " Some of the labels — owing to 
 
 insufficient adhesion " Here he stopped 
 
 again, and carefully examined the page with 
 his eyeglass. " I can't quite read the rest of 
 the sentence," he said at last, " but it means 
 that the labels have come loose, and the Things 
 have got mixed " 
 
 " Let me stick 'em on again ! " cried Bruno 
 eagerly, and began licking them like postage- 
 stamps, and dabbing them down upon the Crys- 
 tals and the other Things. But the Professor 
 hastily moved the tray out of his reach. " They 
 might get fixed to the wrong Specimens, you 
 know ! " he said. 
 
 " Oo shouldn't have any wrong peppermints 
 in the tray!" Bruno boldly replied. "Should 
 he, Sylvie ? " 
 
 But Sylvie only shook her head. 
 
THE LECTURE 283 
 
 "Our first Specimen," he went on, carefully 
 opening a small jar, "is " here' he re- 
 moved the lid, and a large beetle instantly 
 darted out, and with an angry buzz went 
 
 straight out of the Pavilion, " is — or rather, 
 
 I should say," looking sadly into the empty 
 jar, "it was — a curious kind of Blue Beetle. 
 Did any one happen to remark — as it went 
 past — three blue spots under each wing ? " 
 
 Nobody had remarked them. 
 
 "Ah, well ! " the Professor said with a sigh. 
 " It's a pity. Unless you remark that kind of 
 thing at the moment, it's very apt to get over- 
 looked ! The next Specimen, at any rate, will 
 not fly away! It is — in short, or perhaps, 
 more correctly, at length — an Elephant. You 
 
 will observe " Here he beckoned to the 
 
 Gardener to come up on the platform, and with 
 his help began putting together what looked 
 like an enormous dog-kennel, with short tubes 
 projecting out of it on both sides. 
 
 "But we've seen Elephants before," the 
 Emperor grumbled. 
 
 "Yes, but not through a Megaloscope ! '" the 
 Professor eagerly replied. " You know you 
 
284 THE LECTURE 
 
 ca'n't see a Flea, properly, without a magnify- 
 ing -glass — what we call a Microscope. Well, 
 just in the same way, you ca'n't see an Ele- 
 phant, properly, without a minimz/ying-glstss. 
 There's one in each of these little tubes. And 
 this is a Megaloscope ! The Gardener will 
 now bring in the next Specimen. Please open 
 both curtains, down at the end there, and make 
 way for the Elephant ! " 
 
 There was a general rush to the sides of the 
 Pavilion, and all eyes were turned to the open 
 end, watching for the return of the Gardener, 
 who had gone away singing " He thought he 
 saw an Elephant That practised on a Fife ! " 
 There was silence for a minute : and then his 
 harsh voice was heard asfain in the distance. 
 " He looked again — come up, then ! He looked 
 again, and found it was — woa back ! and 
 found it was A letter from his — make way 
 there ! He's a-coming ! " 
 
 And in marched, or waddled — it is hard to 
 say which is the right word— an Elephant, on 
 its hind-legs, and playing on an enormous fife 
 which it held with its fore-feet. 
 
 The Professor hastily threw open a large 
 
THE LECTURE 
 
 285 
 
 door at the end of the Megaloscope, and the 
 huofe animal, at a signal from the Gardener, 
 dropped the fife, and obediently trotted into 
 
 the machine, the door of which was at once 
 shut by the Professor. " The Specimen is 
 now ready for observation ! " he proclaimed. 
 " It is exactly the size of the Common Mouse 
 — Mus Communis / " 
 
 There was a general rush to the tubes, and 
 the spectators watched with delight the minikin 
 
286 THE LECTURE 
 
 creature, as it playfully coiled its trunk round 
 the Professor's extended finger, finally taking 
 its stand upon the palm of his hand, while he 
 carefully lifted it out, and carried it off to ex- 
 hibit to the Imperial party. 
 
 " Isn't it a darling ? " cried Bruno. " May I 
 stroke it, please ? I'll touch it welly gently ! " 
 
 "The next Specimen," the Professor pro- 
 claimed, after carefully placing the little Ele- 
 phant in the tray, among the Crystals and 
 other Things, " is a Flea, which we will enlarge 
 for the purposes of observation." Taking a 
 small pill-box from the tray, he advanced to 
 the Megaloscope, and reversed all the tubes. 
 " The Specimen is ready ! " he cried, with his 
 eye at one of the tubes, while he carefully 
 emptied the pill-box through a little hole at the 
 side. " It is now the size of the Common 
 Horse — E quits Communis /" 
 
 There was another general rush, to look 
 through the tubes, and the Pavilion rang with 
 shouts of delight, through which the Professor's 
 anxious tones could scarcely be heard. " Keep 
 the door of the Microscope shut/" he cried. 
 "If the creature were to escape, this size, it 
 
THE LECTURE 287 
 
 would " But the mischief was done. The 
 
 door had swung open, and in another moment 
 the Monster had got out, and was trampling 
 down the terrified, shrieking spectators. 
 
 But the Professor's presence of mind did not 
 desert him. " Undraw those curtains ! " he 
 shouted. It was done. The monster gathered 
 its legs together, and in one tremendous bound 
 vanished into the sky. 
 
 " Where is it ? " said the Emperor, rubbing 
 his eyes. 
 
 "In the next Province, I fancy," the Pro- 
 fessor replied. " That jump would take it at 
 least five miles ! The next thing is to ex- 
 plain a Process or two. But I find there is 
 hardly room enough to operate — the smaller 
 animal is rather in my way " 
 
 ' Who does he mean ? " Bruno whispered 
 to Sylvie. 
 
 " He means you ! " Sylvie whispered back. 
 "Hush!" 
 
 " Be kind enough to move — angularly — to 
 this corner," the Professor said, addressing him- 
 self to Bruno. 
 
 Bruno hastily moved his chair in the direc- 
 
288 THE LECTURE 
 
 tion indicated. " Did I move angrily enough ?" 
 he enquired. But the Professor was once more 
 absorbed in his Lecture, which he was reading- 
 from his note-book. 
 
 " I will now explain the Process of — the 
 name is blotted, I'm sorry to say. It will 
 
 be illustrated by a number of — of '' here 
 
 he examined the page for some time, and 
 at last said " It seems to be either ' Ex- 
 periments ' or ' Specimens ' " 
 
 " Let it be Experiments" said the Emperor. 
 "We've seen plenty of Specimens." 
 
 ''Certainly, certainly!" the Professor as- 
 sented. "We will have some Experiments." 
 
 " May / do them ? " Bruno eagerly asked. 
 
 " Oh dear no ! " The Professor looked dis- 
 mayed. " I really don't know what would 
 happen if you did them ! " 
 
 " Nor nobody doosn't know what'll happen 
 if oo doos them ! " Bruno retorted. 
 
 " Our First Experiment requires a Machine. 
 I divide my subject," he went on, "into 
 three parts " 
 
 " I think I'll get down ! " Bruno whispered to 
 Sylvie. " It aren't nice to be divided ! " 
 
THE LECTURE 289 
 
 " He hasn't got a knife, silly boy!" Sylvie 
 whispered in reply. " Stand still ! You'll break 
 all the bottles ! " 
 
 " The first part is to take hold of the knobs," 
 putting them into Bruno's hands. " The second 
 
 part is " Here he turned the handle, and, 
 
 with a loud " Oh ! ", Bruno dropped both the 
 knobs, and besfan rubbino- his elbows. 
 
 The Professor chuckled in delight. "It had 
 a sensible effect. Hadrit it ? " he enquired. 
 
 " No, it hadn't a sensible effect ! " Bruno said 
 indignantly. " It were very silly indeed. It 
 jingled my elbows, and it banged my back, 
 and it crinkled my hair, and it buzzed among 
 my bones ! " 
 
 " I'm sure it didn't /" said Sylvie. "You're 
 only inventing ! " 
 
 " Oo doosn't know nuffin about it ! " Bruno 
 replied. " Oo wasn't there to see. Nobody 
 ca'n't go among my bones. There isn't room ! " 
 " Our Second Experiment," the Professor 
 announced, as Bruno returned to his place, still 
 thoughtfully rubbing his elbows, " is the pro- 
 duction of that seldom-seen-but-greatly-to-be- 
 admired phenomenon, Black Light ! — would 
 
 U 
 
290 THE LECTURE 
 
 any one like to get under the blankets and 
 see it r 
 
 Dead silence followed this appeal : but at last 
 Bruno said " /'// get under, if it won't jingle 
 my elbows." 
 
 Satisfied on this point, Bruno crawled under 
 the blankets, and, after a minute or two, crawled 
 out again, very hot and dusty, and with his hair 
 in the wildest confusion. 
 
 "What did you see?" Sylvie eagerly 
 enquired. 
 
 "I saw nn-ffin ! " Bruno sadly replied. "It 
 were too dark ! " 
 
 "He has described the appearance of the 
 thing exactly ! " the Professor exclaimed with 
 enthusiasm. " Black Light, and Nothing", look 
 so extremely alike, at first sight, that I don't 
 wonder he failed to distinguish them ! Shall I 
 repeat the Experiment ? " 
 
 "No, no! Don't trouble yourself !" was the 
 general cry. And we all trooped off, in hot 
 haste, to the Banqueting- Hall, where the feast 
 had already begun. 
 
CHAPTER XXV 
 
 THE BANQUET 
 
 No time was lost in helping the dishes, and 
 very speedily every guest found his plate rilled 
 with good things. 
 
 " I have always maintained the principle," 
 the Professor began, "that it is a good rule 
 to take some food— occasionally. The great 
 
 advantage of dinner-parties " he broke off 
 
 suddenly. "Why, actually here's the Other 
 Professor ! " he cried. " And there's no place 
 left for him ! '' 
 
 The Other Professor came in reading a large 
 book, which he held close to his eyes. One 
 result of his not looking where he was going 
 was that he tripped up, as he crossed the 
 
 U 2 
 
292 
 
 THE BANQUET 
 
THE BANQUET 293 
 
 Saloon, flew up into the air, and fell heavily 
 on his face in the middle of the table. 
 
 " What a pity! " cried the kind-hearted Pro- 
 fessor, as he helped him up. 
 
 "It wouldn't be me, if I didn't trip," said the 
 Other Professor. 
 
 The Professor looked much shocked. "Al- 
 most anything would be better than that ! " he 
 exclaimed. " It never does," he added, aside 
 to Bruno, " to be anybody else, does it ? " 
 
 To which Bruno gravely replied " I's got 
 nuffin on my plate." 
 
 The Professor hastily put on his spectacles, 
 to make sure that the facts were all right, to 
 begin with : then he turned his jolly round face 
 upon the unfortunate owner of the empty plate. 
 " And what would you like next, my little man?" 
 
 "Well," Bruno said, a little doubtfully, "I 
 think I'll take some plum -pudding, please — 
 while I think of it." 
 
 "Oh, Bruno!" (This was a whisper from 
 Sylvie.) " It isn't good manners to ask for a 
 dish before it comes ! " 
 
 And Bruno whispered back " But I might for- 
 get to ask for some, when it comes, 00 know 
 
294 THE BANQUET 
 
 — I do forget things, sometimes," he added, 
 seeing Sylvie about to whisper more. 
 
 And this assertion Sylvie did not venture to 
 contradict. 
 
 Meanwhile a chair had been placed for the 
 Other Professor, between the Empress and 
 Sylvie. Sylvie found him a rather uninterest- 
 ing neighbour : in fact, she couldn't afterwards 
 remember that he had made more than one 
 remark to her during the whole banquet, and 
 that was "What a comfort a Dictionary is!" 
 (She told Bruno, afterwards, that she had been 
 too much afraid of him to say more than " Yes, 
 Sir," in reply ; and that had been the end of 
 their conversation. On which Bruno expressed 
 a very decided opinion that that wasn't worth 
 calling a "conversation" at all. " Oo should 
 have asked him a riddle ! " he added trium- 
 phantly. " Why, / asked the Professor three 
 riddles ! One was that one you asked me in 
 the morning, ' How many pennies is there in 
 
 two shillings?' And another was -" "Oh, 
 
 Bruno!" Sylvie interrupted. "That wasn't a 
 riddle ! " " It were ! " Bruno fiercely replied.) 
 
 By this time a waiter had supplied Bruno 
 
THE BANQUET 295 
 
 with a plateful of something, which drove the 
 plum -pudding out of his head. 
 
 "Another advantage of dinner-parties," the 
 Professor cheerfully explained, for the benefit 
 of any one that would listen, "is that it helps 
 you to see your friends. If you want to see a 
 man, offer him something to eat. It's the same 
 rule with a mouse." 
 
 " This Cat's very kind to the Mouses," Bruno 
 said, stooping to stroke a remarkably fat speci- 
 men of the race, that had just waddled into the 
 room, and was rubbing itself affectionately 
 against the leg of his chair. " Please, Sylvie, 
 pour some milk in your saucer. Pussie's ever 
 so thirsty ! " 
 
 " Why do you want my saucer ? " said Sylvie. 
 " You've got one yourself! " 
 
 "Yes, I know," said Bruno : "but I wanted 
 mine for to give it some more milk in." 
 
 Sylvie looked unconvinced ; however, it 
 seemed quite impossible for her ever to refuse 
 what her brother asked ; so she quietly filled her 
 saucer with milk, and handed it to Bruno, who 
 got down off his chair to administer it to the cat. 
 
 " Has the cat had enough ? " Sylvie asked. 
 
296 THE BANQUET 
 
 This was to Bruno, who had brought back the 
 saucer only half-emptied. 
 
 But Bruno did not hear the question. 
 " There's somebody scratching at the door and 
 wanting to come in," he said. And he scram- 
 bled down off his chair, and went and cautiously 
 peeped out through the door-way. 
 
 "Who was it wanted to come in?" Sylvie 
 asked, as he returned to his place. 
 
 " It were a Mouse," said Bruno. "And it 
 peepted in. And it saw the Cat. And it said 
 'I'll come in another day.' And I said ' Oo 
 needn't be flightened. The Cat's welly kind to 
 Mouses.' And it said ' But I's got some 
 imporkant business, what I must attend to.' 
 And it said ' I'll call again to-morrow.' And 
 it said ' Give my love to the Cat.' ' 
 
 "What a fat cat it is!" said the Professor. 
 " It's quite a wonder ! " 
 
 "It was awfully fat when it earned in," said 
 Bruno: "so it would be more wonderfuller if 
 it got thin all in a minute." 
 
 "And that was the reason, I suppose," the 
 Professor suggested, " why you didn't give it 
 the rest of the milk ? " 
 
THE BANQUET 297 
 
 " No,'' said Bruno. " It were a betterer 
 reason. I tooked the saucer up 'cause it were 
 so discontented ! " 
 
 "It doesn't look so to me" said the Professor. 
 " What made you think it was discontented ? " 
 
 " 'Cause it grumbled in its throat." 
 
 "Oh, Bruno!" cried Sylvie. "Why, that's 
 the way cats show they're pleased ! " 
 
 Bruno looked doubtful. " It's not a good 
 way," he objected. " Oo wouldn't say / were 
 pleased if I made that noise in my throat ! " 
 
 " What a singular boy ! " the Professor whis- 
 pered to himself : but Bruno had caught the 
 words. 
 
 " What do it mean to say ' a singular boy ? " 
 he whispered to Sylvie. 
 
 "It means one boy," Sylvie whispered in 
 return. " And plu ral means two or three." 
 
 "Then I's welly glad I is a singular boy ! " 
 Bruno said with great emphasis. " It would be 
 horrid to be two or three boys ! P'raps they 
 wouldn't play with me ! " 
 
 "Why should they?" said the Other Pro- 
 fessor, suddenly waking up out of a deep 
 reverie. " They might be asleep, you know." 
 
298 THE BANQUET 
 
 "Couldn't, if / was awake," Bruno said 
 cunningly. 
 
 "Oh, but they might indeed!" the Other 
 Professor protested. " Boys don't all go to 
 sleep at once, you know. So these boys — but 
 who are you talking about ? " 
 
 "He never remembers to ask that first ! " the 
 Professor whispered to the children. 
 
 "Why, the rest of me, a-course ! " Bruno ex- 
 claimed triumphantly. " Supposing I was two 
 or three boys ! " 
 
 The Other Professor sighed, and seemed to 
 be sinking back into his reverie ; but suddenly 
 brightened up again, and addressed the Pro- 
 fessor. " There's nothing more to be done 
 now, is there ? " 
 
 "Well, there's the dinner to finish," the Pro- 
 fessor said with a bewildered smile : " and the 
 heat to bear. I hope you'll enjoy the dinner 
 — such as it is ; and that you won't mind the 
 heat — such as it isn't." 
 
 The sentence sounded well, but somehow I 
 couldn't quite understand it ; and the Other 
 Professor seemed to be no better off. " Such 
 as it isn't what ? " he peevishly enquired. 
 
THE BANQUET 299 
 
 "It isn't as hot as it might be," the Professor 
 replied, catching" at the first idea that came to 
 hand. 
 
 " Ah, I see what you mean now ! " the Other 
 Professor graciously remarked. " It's very 
 badly expressed, but I quite see it now ! Thir- 
 teen minutes and a half ago," he went on, 
 looking first at Bruno and then at his watch 
 as he spoke, "you said 'this Cat's very kind to 
 the Mouses.' It must be a singular animal ! " 
 
 "So it are" said Bruno after carefully exam- 
 ining the Cat, to make sure how many there 
 were of it. 
 
 " But how do you know it's kind to the 
 Mouses — or, more correctly speaking, the 
 Mice ? " 
 
 " 'Cause it plays with the Mouses, "said Bruno; 
 " for to amuse them, 00 know." 
 
 " But that is just what I don t know," the 
 Other Professor rejoined. " My belief is, it 
 plays with them to kill them ! " 
 
 "Oh, that's quite a accident ! " Bruno began, 
 so eagerly, that it was evident he had already 
 propounded this very difficulty to the Cat. 
 " It 'splained all that to me, while it were 
 
3oo THE BANQUET 
 
 drinking the milk. It said ' I teaches the 
 Mouses new games : the Mouse likes it ever 
 so much.' It said 'Sometimes little accidents 
 happens : sometimes the Mouses kills their- 
 selves.' It said ' I's always welly sorry, when 
 the Mouses kills theirselves.' It said " 
 
 " If it was so very sorry," Sylvie said, rather 
 disdainfully, " it wouldn't eat the Mouses after 
 they'd killed themselves ! " 
 
 " It said," answered Bruno, ' Dead Mouses 
 neve?- objecks to be eaten.' It said 'There's 
 no use wasting - good Mouses.' It said ' Wifful 
 
 ' sumfinoruvver. It said ' And oo may live 
 
 to say " How much I wiss I had the Mouse 
 that then I frew away ! " It said " 
 
 "It hadn't time to say such a lot of things ! " 
 Sylvie interrupted indignantly. 
 
 " Oo doosn't know how Cats speaks ! " Bruno 
 rejoined contemptuously. "Cats speaks welly 
 quick ! " 
 
CHAPTER XXVI 
 
 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 By this time the appetites of the guests 
 seemed to be nearly satisfied, and even Bruno 
 had the resolution to say, when the Professor 
 offered him a fourth slice of plum -pudding, 
 " I thinks three helpings is enough ! " 
 
 Suddenly the Professor started as if he had 
 been electrified. " Why, I had nearly for- 
 gotten the most important part of the enter- 
 tainment ! The Other Professor is to recite a 
 Tale of a Pig — I mean a Pig-Tale," he cor- 
 rected himself. "It has Introductory Verses 
 at the be^inninGf, and at the end." 
 
 "It ca'n't have Introductory Verses at the 
 end, can it ? " said Sylvie. 
 
302 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 "Wait till you hear it," said the Professor: 
 "then you'll see. I'm not sure it hasn't some 
 in the middle, as well." Here he rose to his 
 feet, and there was an instant silence through 
 the Banqueting- Hall : they evidently expected 
 a speech. 
 
 " Ladies, and gentlemen," the Professor 
 besfan, " the Other Professor is so kind as to 
 recite a Poem. The title of it is ' The Pig- 
 Tale.' He never recited it before ! " (General 
 cheering among the guests.) " He will never 
 recite it again ! " (Frantic excitement, and wild 
 cheering all down the hall, the Professor himself 
 mounting the table in hot haste, to lead the 
 cheering, and waving his spectacles in one hand 
 and a spoon in the other.) 
 
 Then the Other Professor got up, and 
 began : — 
 
 Little Birds are dining 
 
 Warily and well 
 
 Hid in mossy cell: 
 Hid, I say, by waiters 
 Gorgeous in their gaiters — 
 
 I've a Tale to tell. 
 
THE PIG-TALE 
 
 3°3 
 
 Little Birds are feeding 
 Justices with jam, 
 Rich in frizzled ham : 
 Rich, I say, in oysters 
 Haunting shady cloisters — 
 That is what I am. 
 
 Little Birds are teacJiing 
 Tigresses to smile, 
 Innocent of guile : 
 
 Smile, I say, not smirkle — 
 
 Mouth a semicircle, 
 
 That's the proper style ! 
 
 Little Birds are sleeping 
 All among the pins, 
 Where the loser wins : 
 Where, I say, he sneezes 
 When and hoiv he pleases — 
 So the Tale begins. 
 
304 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 There was a Pig that sat alone 
 
 Beside a ruined Pump : 
 By day and night he made his moan — - 
 It would have stirred a heart of stone 
 To see him wring his hoofs and groan, . 
 Because lie could not jump. 
 
 A certain Camel heard him shout — 
 
 A Camel with a hump. 
 " Oh, is it Grief, or is it Gout ? 
 What is this bellowing about ? " 
 That Pig replied, with quivering snout, 
 
 " Because I cannot jump ! " 
 
 That Camel scanned him, dreamy-eyed. 
 
 " Methinks you are too plump. 
 I never knew a Pig so wide — 
 That wobbled so from side to side — 
 Who could, however much he tried, 
 
 Do such a thing as jump ! 
 
 " Yet mark t J lose trees, two miles away, 
 
 All clustered in a clump: 
 If you could trot there twice a day, 
 Nor ever pause for rest or play, 
 In the far future — / Vho can say ? — 
 
 You may be fit to jump." 
 
THE PIG-TALE 
 
 3°5 
 
 That Camel passed, and left him there 
 
 Beside the ruined Pump. 
 Oh, horrid was that Pig's despair ! 
 His shrieks of anguish filled the air. 
 He wrung his hoofs, he rent his hair. 
 
 Because he could not jump. 
 
 There ivas a Frog that wandered by — 
 
 A sleek and shining lump: 
 Inspected him with fishy eye, 
 
3 o6 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 And said " Pig, what makes you cry ? " 
 And bitter was that Pigs reply, 
 " Because I cannot jump ! " 
 
 That Prog he grinned a grin of glee, 
 
 And hit his chest a thump. 
 " Pig" he said, " be ruled by me, 
 And you shall see wJiat you shall see. 
 This minute, for a trifling fee, 
 
 Til teach you how to jump ! 
 
 ■" You may be faint from many a fall, 
 
 And bruised by many a bump: 
 But, if you persevere through all, 
 And practise first on something small, 
 Concluding with a ten-foot wall, 
 You'll find that you can jump ! " 
 
 That Pig looked up with joyful start : 
 
 " Oh Prog, you are a trump ! 
 Your zaords Jiave healed my inward smart- 
 Come, name your fee and do your part : 
 Bring comfort to a broken heart, 
 
 By teaching me to jump ! " 
 
 " Jlfy fee shall be a mutton-clwp, 
 
 My goal this ruined Pump. 
 Observe with what an airy flop 
 
THE PIG-TALE 
 
 3o7 
 
 / plant myself upon the top ! 
 Now bend your knees and take a hop, 
 For that's the way to jump ! " 
 
 Uprose that Pig, and rushed, full whack. 
 
 Against the ruined piimp : 
 Rolled over like an empty sack, 
 And settled down upon his back, 
 White all his bones at once went ' Crack ! ' 
 
 It was a fatal jump. 
 
 X 2 
 
308 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 When the Other Professor had recited this 
 Verse, he went across to the fire-place, and 
 put his head up the chimney. In doing this, 
 he lost his balance, and fell head-first into the 
 empty grate, and got so firmly fixed there 
 that it was some time before he could be 
 drao-o-ed out again. 
 
 Bruno had had time to say " I thought he 
 wanted to see how many peoples was up 
 the chimbley." 
 
 And Sylvie had said " Chimney — not 
 chimbley." 
 
 And Bruno had said " Don't talk 'ubbish ! " 
 
 All this while the Other Professor was beino- 
 extracted. 
 
 "You must have blacked your face!" the 
 Empress said anxiously. " Let me send for 
 some soap ? " 
 
 "Thanks, no," said the Other Professor, 
 keeping his face turned away. " Black's quite 
 a respectable colour. Besides, soap would be 
 no use without water." 
 
 Keeping his back well turned away from 
 the audience, he went on with the Intro- 
 ductory Verses : — 
 
THE PIG-TALE 
 
 309 
 
 Little Birds are writing 
 Interesting books, 
 To be read by cooks : 
 Read, I say, not roasted — 
 Letterpress, when toasted, 
 Loses its good looks. 
 
 Little Birds are playing 
 Bagpipes on the shore, 
 Where the tourists snore : 
 "Thanks/" they cry. "'Tis 
 
 thrilling ! 
 Take, oh take this shillinsr! 
 Let us have no more!" 
 
 Little Birds are bathing 
 Crocodiles in cream, 
 L ike a happy dream : 
 Like, but not so lasting — 
 Crocodiles, when fas tins', 
 Are not all they seem! 
 
3io 
 
 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 That Camel passed, as Day grew dim 
 
 Around the ruined Pump, 
 " O broken heart ! broken limb ! 
 It needs" that Camel said to him, 
 " Something more fairy-like and slim, 
 
 To execute a jump ! " 
 
 That Pig lay still as any stone, 
 
 And could not stir a stump: 
 Nor ever, if the truth were known, 
 
THE PIG-TALE 
 
 Was he again observed to moan, 
 Nor ever wring his hoofs and groan, 
 Because he could not jump. 
 
 That Frog made no remark, for he 
 
 Was dismal as a dump: 
 He knew the consequence must be 
 That lie would never get his fee — 
 And still he sits, in miserie, 
 
 Upon that ruined Pump ! 
 
 3" 
 
 "It's a miserable story!" said Bruno. "It 
 begins miserably, and it ends miserablier. I 
 think I shall cry. Sylvie, please lend me your 
 handkerchief." 
 
312 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 " I haven't got it with me," Sylvie whispered. 
 
 " Then I wo'n't cry," said Bruno manfully. 
 
 "There are more Introductory Verses to 
 come," said the Other Professor, "but I'm 
 hungry." He sat down, cut a large slice 
 of cake, put it on Bruno's plate, and gazed 
 at his own empty plate in astonishment. 
 
 "Where did you get that cake?" Sylvie 
 whispered to Bruno. 
 
 "He gfived it me," said Bruno. 
 
 " But you shouldn't ask for thing's ! You 
 know you shouldn't ! " 
 
 " I didrit ask," said Bruno, taking a fresh 
 mouthful : " he gived it me." 
 
 Sylvie considered this for a moment : then 
 she saw her way out of it. " Well, then, ask 
 him to give me some ! " 
 
 "You seem to enjoy that cake?" the Pro- 
 fessor remarked. 
 
 " Doos that mean ' munch '?" Bruno whis- 
 pered to Sylvie. 
 
 Sylvie nodded. "It means 'to munch ' and 
 ' to like to munch.' " 
 
 Bruno smiled at the Professor. " I doos 
 enjoy it," he said. 
 
THE PIG-TALE 313 
 
 The Other Professor caught the word. " And 
 I hope you're enjoying yourself, little Man?" 
 he enquired. 
 
 Bruno's look of horror quite startled him. 
 " No, indeed I aren't ! " he said. 
 
 The Other Professor looked thoroughly 
 puzzled. " Well, well ! " he said. " Try some 
 cowslip wine ! " And he filled a glass and 
 handed it to Bruno. " Drink this, my dear, 
 and you'll be quite another man ! " 
 
 "Who shall I be?" said Bruno, pausing in 
 the act of putting it to his lips. 
 
 " Don't ask so many questions ! " Sylvie 
 interposed, anxious to save the poor old man 
 from further bewilderment. " Suppose we get 
 the Professor to tell us a story." 
 
 Bruno adopted the idea with enthusiasm. 
 " Please do ! " he cried eagerly. " Sumfin 
 about tigers — and bumble-bees — and robin- 
 redbreasts, 00 knows ! " 
 
 " Why should you always have live things 
 in stories ?" said the Professor. "Why don't 
 you have events, or circumstances ? " 
 
 "Oh, please invent a story like that !" cried 
 Bruno. 
 
314 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 The Professor began fluently enough. " Once 
 a coincidence was taking a walk with a little 
 accident, and they met an explanation — a very 
 old explanation — so old that it was quite 
 doubled up, and looked more like a conun- 
 drum " he broke off suddenly. 
 
 " Please go on ! " both children exclaimed. 
 
 The Professor made a candid confession. 
 " It's a very difficult sort to invent, I find. 
 Suppose Bruno tells one, first." 
 
 Bruno was only too happy to adopt the sug- 
 gestion. 
 
 "Once there were a Pig, and a Accordion, 
 and two Jars of Orange-marmalade " 
 
 " The dramatis persona;" murmured the 
 Professor. " Well, what then ? " 
 
 " So, wdien the Pig played on the Accordion," 
 Bruno went on, ' : one of the Jars of Orange- 
 marmalade didn't like the tune, and the other 
 Jar of Orange-marmalade did like the tune— 
 I knoiv I shall get confused among those Jars 
 of Orange-marmalade, Sylvie ! " he whispered 
 anxiously. 
 
 " I will now recite the other Introductory 
 Verses," said the Other Professor. 
 
THE PIG-TALE 
 
 3i5 
 
 Little Birds are choking 
 Baronets with bun, 
 Taught to fire a gun : 
 Taught, I say, to splinter 
 Salmon in the winter — 
 Merely for the fun. 
 
 Little Birds are hiding 
 Crimes in carpet-bags, 
 Blessed by happy stags : 
 Blessed, L say, though beaten — 
 Since our friends are eaten 
 When the memory flags. 
 
 Little Birds are tasting 
 Gratitude and gold, 
 Pale with sudden cold : 
 Pale, I say, and wrinkled — 
 When the bells have tinkled, 
 And the Tale is told. 
 
 *3 
 
 St 
 
 "*~&j 
 
316 THE PIG-TALE 
 
 But everybody had forgotten Prince Uggug ! 
 
 " He was told of the Banquet, of course?"' 
 said the Emperor. 
 
 " Undoubtedly ! " replied the Professor 
 " That v/ould be the duty of the Gold Stick 
 in Waiting." 
 
 " Let the Gold Stick come forwards ! " the 
 Emperor gravely said. 
 
 The Gold Stick came forwards. " I attended 
 on His Imperial Fatness," was the statement 
 made by the trembling official. " I told him 
 of the Lecture and the Banquet " 
 
 " What followed ? " said the Emperor : for 
 the unhappy man seemed almost too frightened 
 to go on. 
 
 "His Imperial Fatness was graciously pleased 
 to be sulky. His Imperial Fatness was gra- 
 ciously pleased to box my ears. His Imperial 
 Fatness was graciously pleased to say ' I don't 
 care ! ' " 
 
 "'Don't-care' came to a bad end," Sylvie 
 whispered to Bruno. " I'm not sure, but I 
 believe he was hanged. " 
 
 The Professor overheard her. " That result," 
 
THE PIG-TALE 317 
 
 he blandly remarked, " was -merely a case of 
 mistaken identity." 
 
 Both children looked puzzled. 
 
 " Permit me to explain. * Don't-care ' and 
 1 Care ' were twin-brothers. 'Care,' you know, 
 killed the Cat. And they caught ' Don't-care ' 
 by mistake, and hanged him instead. And so 
 ' Care ' is alive still. But he's very unhappy 
 without his brother. That's why they say 
 ' Begone, dull Care ! ' 
 
 " Thank you ! " Sylvie said, heartily. " It's 
 very extremely interesting. Why, it seems to 
 explain everything ! " 
 
 " Well, not quite everything" the Professor 
 modestly rejoined. " There are two or three 
 scientific difficulties " 
 
CHAPTER XXVII 
 
 THE PORCUPINE 
 
 "What was your general impression as to 
 His Imperial Fatness?" the Emperor asked 
 the Gold Stick. 
 
 "My impression was that His Imperial Fat- 
 ness was getting more " 
 
 " More zv hat ? " 
 
 All listened breathlessly for the next word. 
 
 " More prickly ! " 
 
 "He must be sent for at once!" the Em- 
 peror exclaimed. And the Gold Stick went off 
 like a shot. 
 
 Pale, trembling, speechless, the Gold Stick 
 came slowly back again. 
 
THE PORCUPINE 319 
 
 "Well?" said the Emperor. "Why does 
 not the Prince appear ? " 
 
 " One can easily guess," said the Professor. 
 " His Imperial Fatness is, without doubt, a 
 little preoccupied." 
 
 Bruno turned a look of solemn enquiry on 
 his old friend. " What do that word mean ? " 
 
 But the Professor took no notice of the ques- 
 tion. He was eagerly listening to the Gold 
 Stick's reply. 
 
 " Please your Highness ! His Imperial Fat- 
 ness is " Not a word more could he utter. 
 
 The Empress rose in an agony of alarm. 
 " Let us eo to him ! " she cried. And there 
 was a general rush for the door. 
 
 Bruno slipped off his chair in a moment. 
 " May we go too ? " he eagerly asked. But 
 the Emperor did not hear the question, as the 
 Professor was speaking to him. " Preoccupied, 
 your Majesty ! " he was saying. " That is 
 what he is, no doubt ! " 
 
 " May we go and see him ? " Bruno repeated. 
 The Emperor nodded assent, and the children 
 ran off. In a minute or two they returned, 
 slowly and gravely. " Well ? " said the 
 
32o THE PORCUPINE 
 
 Emperor. " What's the matter with the 
 Prince ? " 
 
 " He's — what you said," Bruno replied, 
 looking- at the Professor. " That hard word." 
 And he looked to Sylvie for assistance. 
 
 " Porcupine," said Sylvie. 
 
 And a general chorus of voices answered her. 
 " Porcupine ! Prince Uggug has turned into 
 a Porcupine ! " 
 
 " A new Specimen ! " exclaimed the delighted 
 Professor. " Pray let me go in. It should be 
 labelled at once ! " 
 
 But the strong men only pushed him back. 
 " Label it, indeed ! Do you want to be eaten 
 up ? " they cried. 
 
 " Never mind about Specimens, Professor! " 
 said the Emperor, pushing his way through the 
 crowd. " Tell us how to keep him safe ! " 
 
 "A large cage ! " the Professor promptly re- 
 plied. " Brino- a laro-e cao-e," he said to the 
 people generally, " with strong bars of steel, 
 and a portcullis made to go up and down like 
 a mouse-trap ! Does any one happen to have 
 such a thing about him ? " 
 
 It didn't sound a likely sort of thing for any 
 
THE PORCUPINE 321 
 
 one to have about him ; however, they brought 
 him one directly : curiously enough, there hap- 
 pened to be one standing in the gallery. 
 
 " Put it facing the opening, of the door, and 
 draw up the portcullis ! " This was done in a 
 moment. 
 
 " Blankets now ! " cried the Professor. " This 
 is a most interesting Experiment ! " 
 
 There happened to be a pile of blankets 
 close by : and the Professor had hardly said the 
 word, when they were all unfolded and held up 
 like curtains all around. The Professor rapidly 
 arranged them in two rows, so as to make a 
 dark passage, leading straight from the door to 
 the mouth of the cage. 
 
 " Now fling the door open ! " This did not 
 need to be done : the three men had only to 
 leap out of the way, and the fearful monster 
 flung the door open for itself, and, with a yell 
 like the whistle of a steam-engine, rushed into 
 the caore. 
 
 " Down with the portcullis ! " No sooner 
 said than done : and all breathed freely once 
 more, on seeing the Porcupine safely caged. 
 
 The Professor rubbed his hands in childish 
 
322 THE PORCUPINE 
 
 delight. " The Experiment has succeeded ! " he 
 proclaimed. "All that is needed now is to 
 feed it three times a day, on chopped carrots 
 and " 
 
 "Never mind about its food just now!" 
 the Emperor interrupted. " Let us return to 
 the Banquet." 
 
 " He is prickly, certainly," said the Professor, 
 "but we must remember that, however 
 porcupiny, he is royal still ! After this feast is 
 over, I'm going to take a little present to Prince 
 Uggug — just to soothe him, you know : it isn't 
 pleasant living in a cage." 
 
 " What'll you give him for a birthday-pre- 
 sent ? " Bruno enquired. 
 
 "A small saucer of chopped carrots," replied 
 the Professor. "In giving birthday-presents, 
 my motto is— cheapness ! I should think I 
 save forty pounds a year by giving — oh, what 
 a twinge of pain ! " 
 
CHAPTER XXVIII 
 
 AFTERWARDS 
 
 " What is it ? " said Sylvie anxiously. 
 
 " My old enemy ! " groaned the Professor. 
 " Lumbao-o — rheumatism — that sort of thino-. 
 I think I'll go and lie down a bit." And he 
 hobbled out of the Saloon, watched by the 
 pitying eyes of the two children, whom the 
 Empress found rather sad company. They 
 could talk of nothing but " the dear Professor," 
 and " what a pity he's so ill ! ", till at last she 
 made the welcome proposal " Let's go and see 
 him ! " 
 
 The children eagerly grasped the hands she 
 offered them : and we went off to the Profes- 
 sor's study, and found him lying on the sofa, 
 
 Y 2 
 
324 AFTERWARDS 
 
 covered up with blankets, and reading a little 
 book. 
 
 "And how are you now, Professor?" the 
 Empress asked, bending over the invalid. 
 
 The Professor looked up, and smiled feebly. 
 "As devoted to your Imperial Highness as 
 ever!" he said in a weak voice. "All of me, 
 that is not Lumbago, is Loyalty ! " 
 
 "We must take you to stay at the seaside," 
 Sylvie said, tenderly. " It'll do you ever so 
 much o-ood ! And the Sea's so ©rand ! " 
 
 " But a Mountain's grander ! " said Bruno. 
 
 "What is there grand about the Sea?" said 
 the Professor. " Why, you could put it all 
 into a teacup ! " 
 
 " Some of it," Sylvie corrected him. 
 
 "Well, you'd only want a certain number of 
 tea-cups to hold it all And then where's the 
 grandeur ? Then as to a Mountain — why, you 
 could carry it all away in a wheel-barrow, in a 
 certain number of years ! " 
 
 "It wouldn't look orand — the bits of it in the 
 wheel- barrow," Sylvie candidly admitted. 
 
 " But when oo put it together again " 
 
 Bruno beo-an. 
 
AFTERWARDS 325 
 
 "When you're older," said the Professor, 
 " you'll know that you cant put Mountains 
 together again so easily ! One lives and one 
 learns, you know ! " 
 
 " But it needn't be the same one, need it?" 
 said Bruno. "Won't it do, if / live, and if 
 Sylvie learns ? " 
 
 " I cant learn without living ! " said Sylvie. 
 
 "But I can live without learning!" Bruno 
 retorted. " Oo just try me ! " 
 
 " What I meant, was — " the Professor began, 
 looking much puzzled, " — was — that you don't 
 know everything, you know." 
 
 " But I do know everything I know ! " 
 persisted the little fellow. " I know ever so 
 many things! Everything, 'cept the thines 
 I don't know. And Sylvie knows all the 
 rest." 
 
 The Professor sighed, and gave it up. " Do 
 you know what a Boojum is ? " 
 
 "/ know!" cried Bruno. "It's the thing 
 what wrenches people out of their boots ! " 
 
 "He means 'bootjack,'' Sylvie explained 
 in a whisper. 
 
 " You ca'n't wrench people out of Soots," the 
 Professor mildly observed. 
 
326 AFTERWARDS 
 
 Bruno laughed saucily. " Oo can, though ! 
 Unless they're welly tight in." 
 
 " Once upon a time there was a Boojum — " 
 the Professor began, but stopped suddenly. " I 
 forget the rest of the Fable," he said. "And 
 there was a lesson to be learned from it. I'm 
 afraid I forget that, too." 
 
 " Fll tell oo a Fable ! " Bruno began in a 
 great hurry. " Once there were a Locust, and 
 a Magpie, and a Engine-driver. And the 
 Lesson is, to learn to get up early " 
 
 "It isn't a bit interesting ! " Sylvie said con- 
 temptuously. " You shouldn't put the Lesson 
 so soon." 
 
 " When did you invent that Fable ? " said the 
 Professor. " Last week ? " 
 
 "No!" said Bruno. "A deal shorter ago 
 than that. Guess again ! " 
 
 " I ca'n't guess," said the Professor. " How 
 long ago ? " 
 
 "Why, it isn't invented yet!" Bruno ex- 
 claimed triumphantly. " But I have invented 
 a lovely one ! Shall I say it ? " 
 
 " If you've finished inventing it," said Syl- 
 vie. " And let the Lesson be ' to try again ' ! " 
 
 "No," said Bruno with great decision. "The 
 
AFTERWARDS 327 
 
 Lesson are ' not to try again ' ! " " Once there 
 were a lovely china man, what stood on the 
 chimbley-piece. And he stood, and he stood. 
 And one day he tumbleded off, and he didn't 
 hurt his self one bit. Only he zuould try again. 
 And the next time he tumbleded off, he hurted 
 his self welly much, and breaked off ever so 
 much varnish." 
 
 " But how did he come back on the chim- 
 ney-piece after his first tumble ? " said the 
 Professor. 
 
 " 7" put him there ! " cried Bruno. 
 
 "Then I'm afraid you know something about 
 his tumbling," said the Professor. " Perhaps 
 you pushed him ? " 
 
 To which Bruno replied, very seriously, 
 " Didn't pushed him much — he were a lovely 
 china man," he added hastily, evidently very 
 anxious to change the subject. 
 
 " Good night, little ones ! " said the Professor. 
 "You may leave me now — to ruminate. I'm 
 as jolly as the day is long, except when it's 
 necessary to ruminate on some very difficult 
 subject. All of me," he murmured sleepily 
 as we left the room, " all of me that isn't Bon- 
 hommic, is Rumination ! " 
 
323 
 
 AFTERWARDS 
 
 " What did he say, Bruno ? " Sylvie enquired, 
 as soon as we were safely out of hearing". 
 
 " I think he said ' All of me that isn't Bone- 
 disease is Rheumatism.' 
 
 " But oh, Sylvie, what makes the sky such a 
 darling blue ? " 
 
 Sylvie's sweet lips shaped themselves to 
 reply, but her voice sounded faint and very 
 far away. The vision was fast slipping from 
 my eager gaze : but it seemed to me, in that last 
 
AFTERWARDS 
 
 329 
 
 bewildering moment, that not Sylvie but an 
 angel was looking out through those trustful 
 brown eyes, and that not Sylvie's but an angel's 
 
 ■ o 
 
 voice was whispering 
 
 "Et is Hobc." 
 
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