THE LIBRARY OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF 
 
 NORTH CAROLINA 
 
 THE COLLECTION OF 
 NORTH CAROLINIANA 
 
 CB 
 Fitl3f 
 
UNIVERSITY OF N.C. AT CHAPEL 
 
 II 
 
 00031717982 
 
 FOR USE ONLY IN 
 THE NORTH CAROLINA COLLECTION 
 
\°\ 
 
 
 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER: 
 
 An Autobiography 
 
 BY 
 
 Rev. Joseph Hamilton Fesperman, 
 
 What I do thou knowest not now ; 
 but thou shalt know hereafter." 
 
 —St. John 13 : 7. 
 
 " Even so, Father, for so it 
 
 seemed good in Thy sight." 
 
 — .S7. Luke 10 : 21 . 
 
 With an introduction by 
 
 REV. F. W. E. PESCHAU, D. D., 
 
 Pastor St. Paul's Evangelical Lutheran Church, Wilmington, 
 N. C, and Associate Editor of The Lutheran Visitor. 
 
 Published for the Author by 
 
 THE YOUNG LUTHERAN COMPANY, 
 
 UTICA, N. Y. 
 
 )#?Z. 
 
L. C. Childs & Son, 
 
 Printers and Binders, 
 
 utica, n. v. 
 
0- 
 
 on 
 
 TO 
 
 MY DEVOTED WIFE 
 
 WHOSE TRUE HEART HAS NEVER FALTERED 
 
 AND WHOSE GENTLE FOOTSTEPS 
 
 HAVE NEVER WEARIED 
 
 IN THE PATHWAY OF LOVE 
 
 FOR TWENTY AND SIX YEARS, 
 
 IS THIS VOLUME LOVINGLY DEDICATED 
 
 BY AN 
 
 AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 In venturing to give this work to the public, the 
 author complies with repeated and earnest solicita- 
 tions, and he owes it to those who may become his 
 readers, not less than to himself, to explain the cir- 
 cumstances under which the book was prepared. 
 
 In September, 1891, when he was making 
 arrangements to visit Baltimore, Md., to undergo 
 a critical surgical' operation, he was advised 
 by physicians, ministers, and laymen to defer the 
 operation, and was requested to write an account of 
 his birth, education, ministry, misfortunes and 
 varied afflictions. Believing the desire of his friends 
 to be an indication of the will of God, he com- 
 menced preparing this unpretentious volume, every 
 page of which has been written under the depressive 
 influence of intense pain, and consecrated to God in 
 prayers and tears. These tears, prayers and pur- 
 poses in all this patient labor have been like 
 David's, who at the lowest point of his fortunes 
 plaintively besought God, " Put Thou my tears 
 into Thy bottle," and exclaimed in the same breath, 
 " Thy vows are upon me, O God, I will render 
 praises unto Thee." However imperfectly the 
 writer may have accomplished his purpose in briefly 
 
recording the history of his life — and he feels it to 
 have been done most inadequately— to magnify 
 Christian patience and to praise God in the furnace 
 of affliction have been the theme of his thoughts 
 and the mainspring of his design. Committing this 
 book to his family and brethren, and believing that 
 at the gate of the kingdom of Paradise the afflic- 
 tions and troubles of this life will be left behind 
 and forgotten by those who go in and rest, he re- 
 mains, in pain and patience, peace and love, faith 
 and hope, J. H. FESPERMAN. 
 
 Barium Springs, N. C. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Heroic suffering must ever command ardent ad- 
 miration and call forth sublime sympathy. The 
 iron grasp of pain, in view of no deliverance except 
 by death, is one of life's severest ordeals. Sleepless 
 nights that lead to the all more sleepless days, are 
 not only the longest, but also dreariest and most 
 depressing in all earthly existence, and when we 
 find a u hero of faith in God,'' that endures all, goes 
 through all, unmurmuringly — willing to suffer and 
 willing to die, as it may best please or most honor 
 God, we come to one that deserves and should re- 
 ceive our sincere sympathy and support. And, such 
 a sufferer, such a hero, Pastor Fesperman is. He 
 has learned to heed, illustrate and carry out the 
 motto of Emperor Frederick II., that was wrung 
 from suffering, royal, quivering lips amid the glories 
 of a palace, when he said, " Learn to suffer pa- 
 tiently." Weighed down by physical ailments, cast 
 down upon his couch by the horrors and dread 
 effect of an unfortunate accident, he lay helpless, 
 but not hopeless, in the humble, but neat and cosy 
 cottage generous givers provided him with, and 
 whilst the light of life ofttimes only flickered, he 
 
looked to and called upon God, and as in the agony 
 of the Garden of Gethsemane, from high heaven 
 down amid the starlight, help and strength came to 
 Christ, so help and strength came to our brother, a 
 '\joint heir with Christ." He realized fully and 
 often, "My grace is sufficient for thee." 
 
 In all the records of ministerial suffering in our 
 great Lutheran Zion in America, this book of Pas- 
 tor Fesperman will ever be one of the most mem- 
 orable, most worthy and most deserving. Person- 
 ally he enjoys the esteem of the community in 
 which he lives and has suffered. And so has the 
 North Carolina Synod, again and again, given ex- 
 pression to its kind interest in him, by deeds of love. 
 Good people throughout the length and breadth of 
 the land, like so many angels of mercy, have nobly 
 come to his relief. As this has been the case, so 
 may it be now, as he puts forth this effort and sends 
 out this well-written and intensely interesting book 
 from the home of his sufferings, that many all over 
 our land will secure and use it, and learning of the 
 sad sufferings of one of God's ministering servants, 
 help and encourage him while life lasts, and at the 
 same time thank God for their health, strength and 
 unimpaired powers. 
 
 When we learn and remember that in the last two 
 years he has lost in weight 48 pounds, we may form 
 an idea of how intense his sufferings have been. 
 
As the dove of Noah came to him bringing the 
 cheering tokens of new life and new help for him, 
 so may the book of Pastor Fesperman bring him 
 new cheer, new help and new friends. 
 
 F. W. E. PESCHAU, 
 
 Pastor St. Paul! s Evangelical Lutheran Church, and 
 Associate Editor " The Lutheran Visitor" Wil- 
 mington, N. 0. 
 June 18, 1892. 
 
CHAPTER I. 
 
 I was born in Salisbury, N. C, July 7th, 1841. 
 My parents, Cynthia and Michael Fesperman, were 
 members of the Lutheran Church. When I was 
 seven years old, my father, who was a mechanic, 
 purchased a plantation in Rowan county, and I 
 began work on the farm at a very early age. When 
 thirteen, I was thrown from a horse, and my right 
 leg was broken in two places. This accident occurred 
 during the hot weather, in August, and 1 lay six 
 weeks under the care of a surgeon who managed my 
 case with such ability as to prevent lameness in 
 after life. 
 
 The first night after I was hurt I gave myself, 
 body and soul, to God in prayer. Although a mere 
 boy, I had read the Bible enough to know that 
 David's deepest repentance dared, to ask, "Make 
 me to hear joy and gladness that the bones which 
 Thou has broken may rejoice." Young as I was, I 
 had read and remembered that an ancient monarch, 
 a distinguished warrior and poet, as well as an emi- 
 nently holy man, once used this language, " I sought 
 the Lord, and he heard me and delivered me from 
 all my fears." " The angel of the Lord encampeth 
 round about them that fear him and delivereth them." 
 44 Call upon me in the day of trouble ; I will deliver 
 2 
 
18 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 thee, and thou shalt glorify me." Claiming these 
 promises, rny troubled utterances of sore need, my 
 sighs and groans of intense suffering were accom- 
 panied by a faith which had no doubts, and which 
 felt the beautiful summers sun of peace, even in the 
 mid winter of awful pain. I have never known 
 anj^thing greater, wiser, better, for man to do in 
 trouble and calamity, than to believe God's Word 
 and trust Christ for all needed strength and guidance- 
 While I was confined to bed I carefully read the 
 Bible, Book of Martyrs, Pilgrim's Progress, Alleine's 
 Alarm, Pollock's Course of Time, and the Life of 
 Whitfield and that of Wesley. After I was able to 
 lay my crutches aside, I remained on the farm, but 
 my mind constantly dwelt on the work of the min- 
 stry, and every d.iy I knelt down and prayed the 
 dear Lord Jesus to hear me and bless me, give me a 
 strong mind and fluency of speech, and help me to 
 become a worthy minister of the word. I heard the 
 voice of the Lord, saying : "Whom shall I send, and 
 who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I: send me." 
 
 ' ' I have neither gold nor silver, 
 
 But my life I freely give ; 
 I can point men to the Saviour, 
 
 I can tell them, look and live ! 
 Weak am I ; but Thou art mighty, 
 
 And Thy strength my strength shall be : 
 Master, hear me, — take me, — use me, — 
 
 Here am 1, send even me." 
 " Anywhere let me announce Thy sweet name ; 
 
 Anywhere speak of Thy cross and Thy shame ; 
 Anywhere let me Thy great love declare, — 
 
 Oh, let me work for Thee, Lord, anywhere." 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. \ (J 
 
 When my father died, I was left poor and help- 
 less ; but wiping the tears from my eyes, I ex- 
 claimed, " My Father in heaven, I look to Thee and 
 sue for Thy protection and tenderness, and humbly 
 pray that the heart of my widowed mother may be 
 comforted and that my precious Saviour may per- 
 mit her to survive to hear me preach His gospel." 
 When my mother complained of being sick, I 
 always ran into the room and, falling on my knees 
 by the side of the loom where she wove, I prayed 
 for her life, promising the Lord that if He would 
 spare her, I would in return for His mercy try to be 
 a faithful preacher of righteousness. God answered 
 my prayers, permitted her to hear me preach, and 
 prolonged her life to seventy-three years. 
 
 1 had no opportunity to attend school, but I read 
 many books by fire-light and acquired much correct 
 and useful knowledge by listening to the conver- 
 sation of well-informed men. I made it a rule, when 
 I went into the society of educated people, to be 
 quiet and attentive, and I always had new knowl- 
 edge to think about when I returned to my 
 home and work. I owe much to silence and 
 close observation. I read a large number 
 and a great variety of interesting books; and 
 when there was uncertainty concerning the pro- 
 nunciation of a word I charged my memory with it 
 and watched until some educated minister, well 
 
20 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 trained teacher or accomplished public speaker ut- 
 tered it. Thus I learned to pronounce hundreds of 
 words. Knowing that little upon little, line upon 
 line, is the law of progress and achievement, I en- 
 deavored to observe this law carefully, faithfully, 
 patiently, unwaveringly, doing the best I could in 
 whatever circumstances L was placed, and at the 
 same time directing all the powers of mind and 
 body toward the desired object, — preaching. 
 
 I was fond of history, loved to attend debating 
 societies, and took great interest in reading the New 
 York Ledger, and much pride in relating its stories 
 to people about me. I studied some theological 
 books, and my desire to preach became intensified. 
 I retired to bed thinking about preaching, I 
 dreamed of it, talked in my sleep concerning it, and 
 when I awoke it was the first thought to enter my 
 mind. This ardent desire to preach was not created 
 by a revival of religion, or produced by any im- 
 pression made on my mind in the house of God, or 
 originated by any person speaking to me concerning 
 the ministry, but was on my mind when,.on my 
 knees, I prayed, " Dear Lord Jesus Christ, spare 
 the life ot my precious mother and I will try to 
 preach Thy Word." I could not refrain from 
 preaching. The boys of the neighborhood erected 
 for me a pulpit, with steps attached and a book- 
 board on it, and I preached to them in the woods al- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 2 I 
 
 most every Sunday noon. This was not child's 
 play. We had our Bibles and Hymn Books, and 
 we sang, prayed and behaved ourselves. Some 
 aged men and their families attended our services 
 and encouraged me in my efforts, but there was no 
 one able to furnish money to educate me. A re- 
 trospect of my whole life, from the earliest period 
 of my recollection down to the present hour, leaves 
 me with this impression, that I have been and am 
 being guided by a gracious and mighty Hand, 
 which has made and is making that possible to me 
 which otherwise to me had been impossible. The 
 adveise circumstances by which I was surrounded 
 in early life all indicated the impossibility of pre- 
 paring myself for the ministry. God gave me a 
 retentive mind, tenacity of purpose, something to 
 do, something to love, something to hope for, and 
 inspired me with heroic aspirations and resolutions 
 which enabled me to overcome many difficulties. 
 
 1 was invited sometimes to speak in Methodist 
 churches, and at camp meetings, where I had abund- 
 ant opportunity for the exercise of mind and 
 tongue. I went in company with Rev. W. Kim- 
 ball, a worthy Lutheran minister, to attend a church 
 where the pastor, Eev. J. A. Linn, was conducting 
 a series of meetings. After being present several 
 days I was requested by the pastor to preach the 
 morning sermon. I asked to be excused, saying "I 
 
'22 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 am not a preacher," but he persisted in his request 
 and replied, " I will be responsible; go into the pul- 
 pit and preach." He accompanied me to the pul- 
 pit, I entered it and after preliminary services I an- 
 nounced these words as my text, " I must work the 
 works of Him that sent me while it is day : the 
 n ight cometh when no man can work." While I 
 was in the midst of my discourse some aged men 
 and women commenced clapping their bands and 
 shouting, and one young man ran into the pulpit 
 praising God. The pastor of this congregation was 
 my friend in all his after years, and in his death his 
 good wife lost a kind husband, his children an af- 
 fectionate father and the Lutheran church an ef- 
 ficient and pious pastor. Often and often in after 
 years I have turned by happv habit to feel his 
 beautiful friendship at hand, only to remember with 
 a fresh touch of sadness that God took from me 
 that presence so kind and so dear. Yet, from the 
 very bottom of my heart I give thanks to the Lord 
 and Saviour, who has him in keeping, that it was 
 my honor and my joy to know and to love Rev. J. 
 A. Linn. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 I was invited by Methodist and other ministers 
 to conduct services and deliver addresses in their 
 churches, and many professed Christ in these meet- 
 ings, but some people said, " This boy frightens his 
 hearers, makes them shout and faint, and he has no 
 license to do this." Those were days when reviv- 
 als prevailed in the church. There were no evan- 
 gelists. Faithful and laborious pastors generally 
 held a series of meetings in their churches, which 
 sometimes continued from one to two weeks. 
 These solemn assemblies, led by their pastor, prayed 
 to God for an outpouring of His Spirit, and fre- 
 quently people came to the " anxious seat " and pro- 
 fessed religion. Those were also days when mem- 
 bers of the church expected their pastors, not 
 strangers, to instruct and lead them in the way of 
 salvation, and every reputable pastor was re- 
 quired to hold license or ordination papers. 
 
 Already in childhood I carefully searched the 
 Scriptures ; there never was a moment when I 
 doubted a promise in God's word, and my desire to 
 preach did not come by a miracle or through a vis- 
 ion, but it was on my mind and heart from 
 childhood. I owe my desire to be a minister, to God 
 and not to men. My prayer was " O Lord God of 
 
2-1 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 my life, Thou whom I worshipped at my mother's 
 knee, and to whom my heart goes up in trust and 
 confidence, accept my life— my hands, my feet, my 
 voice, my lips, my intellect, my will, my heart, my 
 love, all that I am — and let them be consecrated to 
 thee." I had no pecuniary means with which to 
 educate myself, but studied with all my faculties, 
 concentrated on one object — entrance into the regu- 
 lar ministry of the church. 
 
 When the war between the north and south was 
 precipitated and entrance into the army became un- 
 avoidable, I packed Schmucker's Popular Theology, 
 Gregory's Evidences of Christianity, Porter's Homi- 
 letics, the Lives of the Ancient Philosophers, my 
 Bible and Hymn Book into my knapsack, and 
 went into the service of the Confederacy against all 
 my inclinations, but thank God my mind was not 
 warped by prejudice, and my heart was not debased 
 by ill will. I recognized a brother in every coun- 
 try and Christians in every church. I endured 
 many deprivations in the army, but I was not guilty 
 of taking any article of food or clothing. I refused 
 to eat stolen rations. License or no license, I in- 
 tended to preach, and many times exercised the tal- 
 ents I possessed in exhorting the soldiers to become 
 Christ's followers, and live consistent and blameless 
 lives. Some preferred cards to these services, but 
 not a few gave me their cards to burn and mani- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 25 
 
 fested a disposition to join me in praying for their 
 salvation. 
 
 When we were in camp or in winter quarters I 
 gave my whole time to theological studies. Rev. 
 L. A. Bikle, who had been a professor of ancient 
 languages in North Carolina College, was chaplain 
 of the 20th regiment in my brigade. This dear 
 brother, an influential member of the Evangelical 
 Lutheran Synod of North Carolina, was a friend of 
 mine before the war commenced; and when I was in 
 the army, if I did not comprehend a point in theol- 
 ogy, or did not know the correct pronunciation of a 
 word, I managed to get into his company, inquired 
 about what I desired to know and charged my mem- 
 ory with his opinions. In this way I obtained 
 much important and useful information. I lost my 
 books several times, but secured others and con- 
 tinued to pursue my studies, enduring all 
 the hardships of a soldier's life until I 
 was captured in battle at Chancellorsville, 
 and taken to Clifton Barracks, Washington, D. C. 
 Here I preached the night after my arrival. While 
 I was adressing the prisoners I was somewhat 
 startled by the appearance of two gentlemen, who, 
 with their hats in their hands, advanced through 
 the department to where I was speaking, and sat 
 down as attentive hearers. After the service closed, 
 one of the gentlemen took me by the hand, saying, 
 
26 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 "My name is Colonel Alexander, I am the com- 
 mander of these Barracks, and I will provide better 
 quarters and fare for you : I do not think you 
 ought to be among these rough, hard men." He 
 then introduced me to his Lieutenant-Colonel, and 
 immediately called for Sergeant Halliday, of New 
 York, ordered him to provide good fare and quar- 
 ters for me, and instructed him to allow me the 
 privilege of taking walks outside the prison walls. 
 In these walks I occasionally met Colonel Alexan- 
 der, and many times lucrative railroad positions 
 and superior educational facilities were offered to 
 me ; on terms, however, that I could not conscien- 
 tiously accept. 
 
 Doubtless at this period of my life my love for 
 my mother and my home helped to lay my entire 
 future on the altar of terrible misfortune — helped 
 to destroy the incomprehensible and nameless some- 
 thing that was then endeavouring to lay at my feet 
 the precious, golden sceptre of success. " Every- 
 body," the old proverb says, " has his day : " and so 
 every human being has at least his one opportunity. 
 " There is a deep nick in time's restless wheel for 
 each man's foot.'' I now believe that the whole of 
 my future destiny in regard to earthly prosperity 
 depended on the decision I made when the Com- 
 mander of Clifton Barracks, to induce me to take 
 the oath of allegiance, offered me a lucrative posi- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 27 
 
 tion, under the written signature of the President 
 of the United States. This was the crisis of my 
 life; everything was then concentrated on a single 
 point. The whole of our lives often depend on 
 some single action that shall determine the charac 
 ter, and that shall send an influence ever onward. 
 A right or wrong decision then settles everything. 
 The moment, when in the battle at Waterloo, the 
 Duke of Wellington could say, " This will do," 
 decided the fate of battle, and of kingdoms. A 
 wrong movement just at that point might have 
 changed the condition of the world for centuries. 
 In every man's life there are such periods; and 
 probably in the lives of most men their future 
 course is more certainly determined by one such 
 far-reaching decision than by many actions in other 
 circumstances. There are moments when honor, 
 wealth, usefulness, health and salvation seem all to 
 depend on a single resolution. My destiny, in 
 regard to pecuniary advantages and educational 
 facilities, was settled adversely by a single decision 
 in prison, when pure love for my mother, outweigh- 
 ing all other considerations, constrained me to 
 return home. In sickness and in sorrow, in cap- 
 tivity, in any and all circumstances, my heart 
 invariably turned to my mother and home. 
 
2S THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 " A mother's care, how sweet the name ; 
 
 What is a mother's love ? 
 A noble, pure and tender flame 
 
 Enkindled from above : 
 To bless a heart of earthly mould, 
 The warmest love that can't grow cold. 
 
 This is a mother's love.'' 
 
 After several months of prison life in Washing- 
 ton city, I was exchanged, came home and then 
 returned to the 5th North Carolina Kegiment, and, 
 on account of general debility, was detailed as a 
 clerk in a Confederate States' Arsenal, located in 
 Salisbury, N. C. I had no connection with a prison 
 there. While in Salisbury I again began gathering 
 books until I had secured a nice library of inter- 
 esting works. But these precious treasures were 
 not to last long. Part of a Division of United 
 States soldiers, under the command of General 
 Stoneman, came through the country, set fire to the 
 Arsenal, the flames reached my room and consumed 
 books, clothing, and all I possessed. I was taken 
 a prisoner and conveyed on foot through the 
 mountains of North Carolina to Tennessee, and 
 from thence by railroad to Camp Chase, Ohio, where 
 I suffered many great privations until several 
 months after the war closed. There were twelve 
 ministers confined in Camp Chase, and we held in- 
 teresting services every Sunday. I prayed for the 
 prisoners and preached to them, but my heart 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 29 
 
 yearned for my home and for proper authority to 
 declare God's Word. I came from prison to my 
 mother's home at length, sick and penniless, and 
 found myself in the midst of a face to face, hand to 
 hand, inch by inch, conflict with unfortunate cir- 
 cumstances, and I wa? not allowed to choose my 
 foes, my battle-fields, my ammunition or my gener- 
 als. It was very plain that if I entered the ministry 
 I must fight and my battles could not be conducted 
 on any prearranged plan. My conflicts had to be 
 single handed skirmishes with " ugly guerrillas " 
 that came down upon me in the " shape and guise " 
 of poverty and need on all sides, and a few personal 
 enemies resembling hooded snakes in canebrakes. 
 In all difficulties, trials, needs, and in the presence 
 of a few envious enemies, things that seemed to in- 
 dicate the impossibility of my entrance into the 
 ministry, I found comfort in praying and in reading 
 this passage of Scripture : " And I will make thee 
 unto this people a fenced and brazen wall ; and 
 they shall fight against thee, but they shall not pre- 
 vail against thee, for I am with thee to save thee, 
 and to deliver thee, saith the Lord." Reading this 
 assurance and believing that whether poor or rich, 
 distinguished or obscure, whether in the city or 
 lonely spreading waste, He who is rich in the bril- 
 liant glory of a thousand suns, is true to His prom- 
 ises and to His people, I became oblivious to ex- 
 
3() THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 ternal circumstances. I continued my studies with 
 indomitable resolution, with sleepless energy, with 
 tireless tenacity of purpose, saying to evil example 
 around me, to the need of a better education con- 
 fronting me, to poverty and need ever present with 
 me, and to the sneer of anticipated derision, " Here 
 I stand, determined to preach, I can do naught else, 
 God help me. Amen." And God, whose power 
 made the lilies bloom and sent the ravens, as min- 
 isters of mercy, to bring his prophet bread — whose 
 love shall kindle its brilliant suns when other lights 
 have gone out — whose tender mercy will sing its 
 beautiful songs while the trumpet of the archangel 
 peals and the air is filled with the crash of breaking 
 sepulchres, and the rush of the wings of the rising 
 dead, heard'my prayers and helped me. It is an 
 historical fact that prayer walks in safety down the 
 centuries by the side of unexpected disclosures of 
 the world's improvement, and that its wonderful 
 power has been vindicated from hostile criticism by 
 the experience of all generations. May each reader 
 of this book " pray much; God loves a sweet, de- 
 pendent spirit that owns itself too weak to walk 
 alone. No prayer is uttered but listening angels 
 hear it, sometimes in ways mysterious and unknown. 
 Their answers come ; but surely as the light hears 
 the dawn calling and dispels the night, so do those 
 blessed messengers on high hear and bless us when 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 31 
 
 The history of the prayers of the past 
 may be put into one sentence : " They looked unto 
 Him. and were lightened, and their faces were not 
 ashamed," and as for the present I thank God that 
 I can say " This poor man cried, and the Lord heard 
 him and saved him out of all his troubles." I 
 prayed for sympathy and God answered me. Revs. 
 W. Kimball and Simeon Scherer lent me books and 
 I committed to memory volumes of interesting 
 works, including the " Formula for the Government 
 and Discipline of the Evangelical Lutheran 
 Church." I was determined to undergo a creditable 
 examination when I applied for license to preach, 
 and I spent whole nights without sleep in 
 reading my books and praying. I remembered how 
 the prophet's servant climbed the steeps of Carmel 
 to look for the first signal of God's mercy. Three 
 years, and never a cloud dappled the burning sky. 
 Three long years, and never a dewdrop had glistened 
 on the grass or kissed the lips of a dying flower, 
 and for the need of rain, famine, desolation, and 
 death reigned everywhere. But the cloud in answer 
 to importunate prayer came at last. No larger than 
 a man's hand, it rose from the sea ; it spread : and 
 as he saw the first lightning's flash, and heard the 
 first thunder's roll, he forgot all his toils, and would 
 have climbed the hills, not seven times, but seventy 
 times seven, to hail that welcome sight. Just so it 
 
32 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 was with me ; I considered the ministry worth pray- 
 ing for, toiling for, suffering for, and after years of 
 struggles God crowned my efforts with success. 
 Revs. W. Kimball, L. C. Groseclose, Simeon Scher- 
 er and J. Crim, advised me to apply for license to 
 enter upon the work of the ministry, and furnished 
 me with letters commending me to the favorable 
 notice of the officers of the Evangelical Lutheran 
 Synod of North Carolina. 
 
 On the 7th of December, 1865, I was carefully 
 examined and received ad-interim license from Rev. 
 J. B. Anthony, President of the North Carolina 
 Synod. I hastened from Mt. Pleasant, N. C, where 
 I was examined, a distance of eighteen miles, to my 
 home in Rowan county, where I told my mother 
 the joyful news that I held in my possession the 
 longed for credentials to declare the Word of God. 
 Without delay and without synodical aid, I took 
 charge of a mission field consisting of two churches 
 in Davie Co., North Carolina, where I labored until 
 1869, when constant chills and the need of increased 
 salary compelled me to resign my work. I imme- 
 diately moved to a healthy section in Rowan Co., 
 and commenced preaching twice every Sunday in a 
 school house, where after much suffering and hard 
 labor I organized a congregation of forty members, 
 and erected a house of worship, which we had good 
 reasons to name " Providence." By taking this or- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 33 
 
 ganization into connection with the Iredell charge I 
 managed to serve it ten years. 
 
 On the 19th of September, 1866, I married Miss 
 C. A. Lentz, whose true heart has never faltered, 
 and whose footsteps have never wearied in the 
 pathway of love for twenty and rive years. 
 
 I was called to St. Paul's Church in Iredell Co., 
 in 1869, and to St. Michael's, in the same county, 
 in 1871, and resigned the entire charge in 1878. 
 While I was pastor of the congregations in Iredell, 
 I supplied Thyatira and Beth Eden churches in 
 Catawba county with preaching. During a number 
 of years I preached to six congregations. 
 
 These churches, located in three counties, made 
 my field of labor a very trying one to serve. In 
 order to be faithful in the discharge of my duties to 
 my family and to the Church, I was frequently 
 compelled to travel on the railroad and on foot all 
 hours of the night, and this exposure, in the course 
 of time, ruined my constitution. Love for home 
 and family has been a ruling power in my life. I 
 often preached twice on Sunday and walked twenty- 
 five miles through the darkness of night, reaching 
 my wife and children by daylight next morning. 
 I never left my home without telling my wife where 
 I could be found each night of my absence, and 
 when she might confidently expect my return, and 
 in all my ministry she was never once disappointed 
 3 
 
34 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 in the arrangements. My greatest happiness was 
 always found in the society of my wife and children. 
 I kept a large blank book in which I frequently 
 wrote letters containing affectionate parental advice 
 to each member of my family. 
 
 " Father, my wife and children ! 
 I know not what is coming on the earth ; 
 Beneath the shadow of Thy heavenly wing, 
 Oh, keep them, keep them, Thou who gavest them birth ; 
 Oh, keep them undefiled ! 
 Unspotted from a tempting world of sin ; 
 That, clothed in white, through the bright city gates 
 They may with me in triumph enter in." 
 
 The minutes of the Ministerium of the North 
 Carolina Synod show that a favorable vote for my 
 ordination was cast at Pilgrim Church, Davidson 
 Co., North Carolina, August the 26th, 1871, but the 
 vow was not assumed, or the laying on of hands, or 
 prayer given, until in October of the same year. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 I suffered many years with disease of the lungs 
 and heart before I resigned my pastoral work in 
 Iredell and Catawba counties. 
 
 I frequently preached with large blister plasters 
 over the region of both lungs, and my whole chest 
 was completely scarred by the constant use of blis- 
 tering ointment, Croton oil and other irritants. I 
 labored in the pulpit more than one hundred and 
 sixty times with sores produced by blisters larger 
 than silver dollars, on each breast. I often went 
 into God's altar suffering, with a psalm in my mouth, 
 and thus glorified my precious Saviour in the midst 
 of the fires of affliction. Eternity alone can reveal 
 how much I endured for Christ's sake before I re- 
 linquished the active work of the ministry. The 
 Scriptures assure me that every minister of Jesus 
 Christ is a watchman on Zion, and the poet paints 
 his relations well, and pencils his duty and danger 
 with the hand of a master, when, with the watch- 
 man in his eye, and on the eve of a conflict with the 
 powers of darkness, he exclaims: 
 
36 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 " in heaven's high arch above his head, a glorious form ap- 
 peared, 
 Whose left hand bore a flambeau light, his right a scepter 
 
 reared ; 
 A diadem of purest gold his brow imperial crowned, 
 And from his throne he thus addressed the watchman on his 
 
 round : 
 What of the night, what of the night ? Watchman ; What of 
 
 the night ? 
 The myriad foe, in close array, come on to try their might — 
 A night assault — and if thy trump mistake a single sound, 
 I'll hang upon these battlements, the watchman on his round." 
 
 Even the most faithful watchmen, those of rarest 
 worth, may fall in the conflict, but, it will be from 
 the walls of Zion, or upon the hill of God, and they 
 sink in death, with the world for their shrine and 
 mankind their mourners. A minister of Jesus Christ 
 is God's mouth-piece to man. He is to guard and 
 dispense, with the most sacred and uncompromising 
 jealousy, the heavenly treasures of wisdom and 
 knowledge, committed to him in trust for the refor- 
 mation of his kind. Amid all the pleasures of 
 my life there is one that is finer than all, and amid 
 all the joys that bloomed in the landscape of mj^ 
 days, there is one whose flower stands preeminent, 
 whose beauty is enjoyed to-day, and whose fra- 
 grance fills the atmosphere of my suffering life with 
 delight. It is the pleasure and joy of knowing I 
 have led sinners to repentance. I knew and felt the 
 responsibility of being a mouth-piece for God, a 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 37 
 
 minister for Jesus Christ, and labored for the Saviour 
 as long as my poor suffering body would allow me. 
 When I could no longer stand as a watching sen- 
 tinel upon the walls of the Church, I cast my burden 
 upon my precious Saviour, saying : " Dear Lord 
 Jesus, I am too feeble to watch longer, but the seed 
 is sown, the bread is cast upon the waters, and if I 
 have improved a single soul, given birth to any 
 pious purposes, dried up any tears, checked any 
 sighs, bound up any broken hearts, or poured the 
 balsam of hope and the balm of life into any 
 wounded spirits, then I have not watched and 
 prayed, and lived and labored in vain. 
 
 Though sickness now holds me in a chain, 
 
 No will can break or bend to earthly use, 
 I can still pray and truthfully exclaim : 
 
 " In the cross of Christ I glory, 
 Towering over the wreck of time ; 
 
 All the light of sacred story 
 Gathers round its head sublime. 
 
 " When the woes of life overtake me, 
 
 Hope deceives and pains annoy, 
 Never shall the cross forsake me ; 
 
 Lo ! it glows with peace and joy, 
 
 Bane and blessing, pain and pleasure, 
 
 By the cross are sanctified ; 
 Peace is there that knows no measure, 
 
 Joys that through all time abide." 
 
 " In the cross of Christ I glory." 
 
38 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 In the year 1879 the condition of my health ren- 
 dered it absolutely necessary for me to retire from 
 the active work of the ministry. Trusting that I 
 might recuperate, I rested a short time, but my ex- 
 pectations were disappointed. I gradually grew 
 weaker and worse. Having a wife and seven chil- 
 dren to support, I was in an unenviable condition, 
 but I had already experienced the mercy and faith- 
 fulness of God in too many severe trials ever to 
 waver in my trust and confidence in Him whose 
 hand is not shortened that it can not save, and 
 whose grace is not limited. I remembered these 
 touching and assuring words, which are sufficient to 
 make weak faith ashamed : 
 " Commit thou all thy griefs, 
 And ways into His hands, 
 To His sure truth and tender care, 
 
 Who earth and heaven commands ; 
 Who points the clouds their course, 
 
 Whom winds and seas obey, 
 He shall direct thy wandering feet, 
 
 He shall prepense thy way. 
 God can this hour with every dainty 
 
 The poor man's table amply spread, 
 And strip the rich of all his plenty, 
 
 And send him forth to beg his bread. 
 Sing, pray and in God's ways walk ever, 
 
 And all your duties well perform ; 
 Distrust Him for His blessing never, 
 
 And he will shie'd you from all harm, 
 For he who in the Lord confides, 
 Upon a solid rock abides." 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 39 
 
 I was not able to preach and had no way to pro- 
 vide for my family, but "just before stern want 
 would have approached our door, Eugene B. Drake, 
 editor of the Statesville American, an aged and re- 
 spected member of the Episcopal church, and one 
 of the purest hearted men I ever knew, employed 
 me to keep the books and to manage the affairs of a 
 commercial establishment, which, on account of the 
 death of a partner, was then going out of business 
 My connection with Father Drake was exceedingly 
 pleasant. Nothing could exceed his kindness to- 
 ward me while I was in his employment, and there 
 was that in him that made an impression upon my 
 memory that promises to stand well the test of time. 
 In all my association with Mr. Drake we did not 
 have a single difference, and he tried to make my 
 life pleasant. In September, 1879, I was invited by 
 the Council of Bethel Church, Stanly county, to 
 hold a communion service for their congregation. 
 Sick and weak as I was, I accepted the invitation, 
 taking my family to Salisbury, where some of the 
 Council met us with vehicles and conveyed us to 
 their hospitable homes in the neighborhood of the 
 house of God. We remained with the people two 
 weeks. I preached five times, administered the 
 commu/ion, baptized several children and confirmed 
 several persons. The last day of my services at 
 Bethel, the Council of the church proposed to give 
 
40 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 me a call and requested me to consent to become 
 their pastor, but knowing that my extreme feeble- 
 ness precluded hope of ability to serve them, I re- 
 fused to allow ray name to be proposed in a congre- 
 gational meeting. A few weeks after my return to 
 Statesville I received several kind and interesting 
 letters again asking me to give my consent to be- 
 come the pastor of Bethel congregation, to which I 
 replied that it would be imprudent for me to allow 
 myself to be called to serve a people when I was 
 conscious of the fact that I would fall and die in 
 their midst. They immediately wrote that if I fell 
 while on duty and died in their midst I would cer- 
 tainly do so among my sincere friends. Having 
 seven small children to provide for, no money and 
 no way to support my family, and being satisfied 
 that the people in Stanly were warm-hearted friends, 
 I answered, saying, that they might arrange for me 
 a temporary parsonage at Misenheimer's Sulphur 
 Springs, bring wagons, meet me in Salisbury, and 
 convey me to their community. Their response to 
 this proposal was hearty and prompt, and in Novem- 
 ber, 1S79, we moved to Stanly county, where I was 
 destined to become thoroughly disabled. Soon 
 after my arrival in Stanly, I held a series of meet- 
 ings in Bethel Church, in which I was assisted by 
 the members, many of whom were earnest, praying 
 men. I could ask almost any member of this 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 41 
 
 church to pray in public, knowing that he would 
 respond. I preached to St. Stephen's Church several 
 times, and once to a struggling congregation in Gold 
 Hill, but was too feeble to take charge of these 
 churches. I desire to leave on record that Dr. 
 Shimpoch, a successful physician, and zealous mem- 
 ber of the congregation in Gold Hill, did much to 
 cheer and assist me in the work I had attempted to 
 do in his church. This faithful physician and his 
 Christian wife, deserve and have my grateful remem- 
 brance. Dr. Shimpoch knew my physical condition, 
 but he did all he could to inspire me with hope. I 
 continued to preach at Bethel Church until I could 
 scarcely read a verse in the Bible or hymn book 
 without making repeated efforts to get a full inspira- 
 tion of breath, and even until I no longer had the 
 strength necessary to stand in the pulpit. When 
 I sat down, it took much effort to rise without assist- 
 ance, and in this wretched condition I leaned on 
 the "book board" and addressed my hearers. At last 
 extreme debility, accompanied by chilly sensations 
 and hectic fevers, contined me to bed, where I had 
 exhausting night sweats, coughed incessantly, and 
 frequently when I expanded my chest the pus from 
 my diseased lung gushed from my mouth. Exces- 
 sive coughing and great difficulty in breathing made 
 it necessary for me to occupy a sitting posture in 
 bed, 
 
42 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 '•Where I had such long weakness 
 
 And such wearing pain, 
 As had no end in view, that made my life 
 
 One weary avenue of darkened days, 
 The bitter darkness growing darker still, 
 
 Which none could share or soothe, which sundered me 
 From all desire, or hope, or strife of change, 
 
 Or service of my Master in the world, 
 Or fellowship with all the faces round 
 
 Of passing pains and pleasures, — while my pain 
 Passed not, — and only this 
 
 Remained for me to look for, — more pain, 
 And doubt if 1 could bear it to the end." 
 
 My wife and friends watched by my bed day and 
 night, only to see me sink lower and lower, until 
 my feet touched the earth at the very brink of the 
 grave, but at that point the Almighty power of God 
 .was waiting to arrest my descent into the dark 
 chambers of the dead. As in all cases of lung dis- 
 ease, my understanding was unimpaired — my mind 
 was perfectly bright, and I was permitted to 
 bear testimony before my surrounding friends to the 
 unspeakable consolations of the Holy Spirit, to the 
 unfailing faithfulness of God, and to the abundant 
 love of the Redeemer. Practicing physicians from 
 different sections visited me professionally and pro- 
 nounced my condition beyond the reach of medical 
 skill. One of the medical men examined me and 
 then pronounced his opinion thus : " Mr. Fesper- 
 man, your left lung is about gone and your right 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 43 
 
 lung is seriously involved, and you cannot hope to 
 get well." My answer to this candid physician was 
 this, " I am not afraid to die, for death himself 
 shall some day expire and the giant corpse of time 
 lie buried in the grave of years, when I have just 
 commenced to sing the beautiful songs of my 
 precious Saviour; but I have a wife and seven help- 
 less children, and for their sake I shall try to live, 
 greeting life as God may give it and yet awaiting 
 death when He shall send it." The doctor smiled 
 and remarked, " Your resolution is a strong and 
 good one, but your case is just as I have informed 
 you." Every hope of my recovery seemed to vanish 
 from the minds of my family and friends ; for all 
 the physicians, some of whom were skilled in their 
 profession, had said that my death was not in the 
 distant future. There is no death to those who 
 know of life. No time to those who see eternity. 
 I looked at my dependent wife and children and 
 felt that I was encompassed with grief on every 
 side, but still the flower of love and. trust bloomed 
 on, enabling me to exclaim, "0 Lord, my strength, 
 and fortress, and refuge, in this day of affliction and 
 trouble/' while the waves of sorrow threaten 
 
 " Me and mine to swallow up, 
 
 Troubles fall and trials thicken, 
 Cry I, while I drain the cup, 
 
 Thou Lord art my hiding place. 
 In the secret of His presence 
 
 The Lord keeps I know not how ; 
 In the shadow of the Highest 
 
 I am resting, hiding, now. ,} 
 
44 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 In such moments of sorrowful visitation from the 
 living God, we may show that fortitude with which 
 human nature often breasts the storms of calamity ; 
 but there can be no holy submission, no perfect 
 resignation, no absolute peace, except to those to 
 whom the voice of faith can whisper, " The eternal 
 God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlast- 
 ing arms." 
 
 One beautiful Sunday morning Mrs. Julia Misen- 
 heimer, who visited me several times every day, 
 came to my bedside and endeavored 'to encourage 
 me. After conversing with me a short time she 
 walked to the door, turned, and looking at me re- 
 marked, " Brother Fesperman, if you die you will 
 have to expire under the tears and earnest prayers 
 of your people, for we all meet in the church this 
 morning to pray for your life — to ask the Lord to 
 spare you to your family and to the Church.'' The 
 house of God that day became the scene of solemn, 
 tearful wrestlings with the Angel of the Covenant, 
 that yet a little while I might be spared. Faith, 
 hope, — pleading faith, humble hope, — were there in 
 Bethel Church ; and almost awed to silence, but 
 laboring all the more intensely, from the very pres- 
 sure under which they bent, and seeming to say, 
 "Lord, we cannot give this sick pastor up. Oh! 
 let this husband, father and minister of Thy Word 
 live." 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 45_ 
 
 May God bless the members of Bethel Church ; 
 they were true to me and true to my wife and chil- 
 dren. They abundantly provided the comforts of 
 life for my family while I lay sick in their midst. 
 Bro. Claiborn Misenheimer, who owned a mill near 
 by, came every day to inquire concerning my wel- 
 fare. One morning as he stood at the foot of my 
 bed, I noticed him shedding tearc?. He said : 
 " Brother Fesperman, if I can do anything in the 
 world for you — if you desire anything, tell me what 
 it is, and if money can secure it, you shall have 
 it." I answered that I wished to use a certain rem- 
 edy that I had read about in the Lutheran Observer, 
 but that the price of it was exceedingly high. He 
 inquired what it cost, and in half an hour Mrs. Mary 
 Misenheimer stood by my bed with the money in 
 her hand. A letter was quickly written, and in one 
 week the medicine reached me, and, as I believe, in 
 answer to my prayer proved beneficial. Infidelity 
 may smile at this assertion, but it is certainly evi- 
 dent that the efficacy of prayer was plainly mani- 
 fested when my case was given up as hopeless by 
 the ablest physicians — when all who knew my con- 
 dition thought it not possible for me to survive a 
 week longer. The united prayers not only of my 
 own church, but of Christians of other denominations, 
 went up to the mercy-seat in my behalf, and the 
 hand of the destroyer was stayed. The Lord's peo- 
 
46 THE LIFE 0F A SUFFERER. 
 
 pie unitedly prayed for my life, and although I was 
 not healed, the progress of my disease was arrested 
 in its rapid, destructive course, and my days were 
 mercifully prolonged. 
 
 " God's eye is fixed on seraph throngs ; 
 
 His arm upholds the sky ; 
 His ear is filled with angel songs, 
 
 His love is throned on high. 
 The sun and moon and twinkling stars, 
 
 And lightniDg chariots swift that fly, 
 And all the flowers that bloom on earth 
 
 Would fade without the love of that all-shining Eye. 
 Each tiny thing within, without, 
 
 Beneath our feet, or in the sky, 
 Or mighty men who rule the land, 
 
 Live in the love and light of that great Eye. 
 The vapors from the boundless sea, 
 
 The mists that on the mountains lie, 
 And clouds that veil the starry sky, 
 
 All float in that all-seeing Eye. 
 No warbled note, nor placid smile, 
 
 No joyous shout, nor parting sigh 
 But wends its way from things that die, 
 
 To live in that all-loving Eye. 
 There is a power which helpless man can wield, 
 
 When mortal aid is vain, 
 That eye, that arm, that love to reach, 
 
 That listening ear to gain. 
 That power is prayer, which soars on high, 
 
 Through Jesus, to the throne ; 
 And moves the hand which moves the world 
 
 To bring our blessings down." 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER 47 
 
 In the month of April, 1880, my wife, and sister 
 Misenheimer, holding me by the arms, led me out 
 of the house into the beautiful sunshine that I might 
 enjoy a sun-bath. My people told the doctors that 
 if there was any hope of my ever being able to 
 preach for them again, they would not call a pastor 
 but wait a year or more, and in the intervening time 
 provide the comforts of life for my family. The 
 medical gentlemen promptly and candidly informed 
 my generous friends and beloved parishioners that 
 I was afflicted with consumption in an advanced 
 stage, associated with heart disease; that it was pos- 
 sible for me to live a while, but that I would never 
 get well. The kind proposal of my friends at Bethel 
 to provide for my family and wait for preaching 
 until I recovered, brought to my mind this kind of 
 verse : 
 
 " The world is full of good advice, 
 
 Of prayers and praise and preaching nice ; 
 
 But generous souls resembling these who aid mankind 
 
 Are like to diamonds — hard to find. 
 
 Give like a Christian — speak in deeds; 
 
 A noble life's the best of creeds, 
 
 And he shall wear a royal crown 
 
 Who gives a lift when men are down." 
 
 In May, 1880, the North Carolina Synod held its 
 annual meeting in Mt. Pleasant, not far from me. 
 Anxious to see my brethren, I had myself con- 
 veyed to the synod, but was too weak to 
 
48 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 attend its sessions. I was obliged to retire to 
 & private house, where I remained during the 
 day, and then returned home completely ex- 
 hausted. My ministerial brethren sent me a dona- 
 tion by the hands of Marvel Ritchie, who was the 
 delegate from Bethel congregation Shortly after 
 the meeting of synod, I concluded to return to 
 Iredell county, a higher and healthier locality. 
 Bethel Church being close to my residence, I caused 
 an announcement to be made that I would hold a 
 Silent Communion there, and bid adieu to my con- 
 gregation. At the the appointed time we assembled 
 in the church and the congregation sang these 
 words : 
 
 " Our souls by love together knit, 
 Cemented, mixed in one, 
 One hope, one heart, one mind, one voice, 
 "lis heaven on earth begun." 
 
 One of the Council prayed. I then consecrated 
 the bread and wine, and silently administered to the 
 communicants. This was indeed a solemn scene, 
 and many tears were shed during the services. 
 One aged lady, now in heaven, where robes, and 
 palms, and crowns, and harpings feebly denote 
 celestial triumphs, stood at the communion table, 
 and as I approched her with the elements of the 
 Lord's Supper in my hand, gave expression to her 
 feelings by glorifying and praising God. 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 49 
 
 The day arrived for my departure from Stanly 
 
 coir 
 
 nty. The people gave me forty dollars and two 
 sacks of flour to take with me to my home in States- 
 ville, K C. 
 
 The wagons were loaded ready to move, and the 
 members came to say good -by, when one of the 
 officers of the church, whose body now slumbers in 
 the repose of death and whose spirit doubtless lives 
 in the glory of his Father's house, took me by the 
 hand, saying, "Bro. Fesperman, what is your part- 
 ing advice to us ?" 1 replied, "Love and trust your 
 Saviour. Look to Him by repentance, by faith and 
 in the faithful performance of every Christian duty. 
 Read your Bible. Learn here the science of salva- 
 tion, unfolded in lines of light. This will point 
 your spirits to the only healing Hand that pours the 
 balm of eternal life into the souls of men, and will 
 turn your sight undaunted on the tomb. Forget 
 not that prayer is man in humble, earnest negotia- 
 tion with his God ; that it is the moral nerve quick- 
 ening the muscles of the soul to approach the Al- 
 mighty, and that if your prayers go to heaven, laden 
 with sighs and stained with tears, they shall return 
 accompanied by angels and freighted with blessings. 
 — Farewell." 
 
 As the wagons conveyed me away from the scene 
 of my sufferings, and from the hearts of my faithful 
 Christian friends, I could truly appreciate these lines: 
 4 
 
50 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 " Blest be the tie that binds 
 
 Our hearts in Christian love ! 
 The fellowship of kindred minds 
 
 Is like to that above. 
 We share our mutual woes, 
 
 Our mutual burdens bear : 
 And often for each other flows 
 
 The sympathizing tear. 
 When we asunder part, 
 
 It gives us inward pain ; 
 But we shall still be joined in heart 
 
 And hope to meet again.'' 
 
 This last verse expresses the feelings that accom- 
 panied me when I left my friends and parishioners 
 in Stanly county. When we reached our former 
 home in Iredell county, I was so feeble that I could 
 scarcely walk one hundred yard?. It was evident 
 that the great sea of disease was gradually eating 
 away the bank and shoal of time upon which I 
 existed. Here I learned by sore affliction that it 
 was a loving Providence that made man's earthly 
 home so little fit for him, that he might seek the 
 city which ha^ foundations —the beautiful city with 
 its God-built stories — its rainbow coverings and sun- 
 like splendors — crowded with the redeemed, arid the 
 Lord in the midst to chase the winter of affliction 
 away. 
 
 We had seven children, all of whom were too small 
 to do anything by which to feed and clothe them- 
 selves, and having spent all except fifty cents of 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 51 
 
 the money given to us by former parishioners, we 
 knew that some prompt action was necessary to keep 
 want from coming to our door. To trust God when 
 our houses and bags are lull, and our tables are 
 spread, is no hard thing; but to trust Him when 
 our purses are empty, but a handful of meal and a 
 cruse of oil left, and all the ways of relief stopped — 
 herein lies the measure of a Christian's grace. 
 Nearly all our money was spent and we had no 
 prospect of any relief. In this extremity we com- 
 mitted our cause to God in earnest prayer, truly be- 
 lieving that anything would be possible rather than 
 that the most tremulous trust in the Lord Jesus 
 Christ should go unblest and unanswered. We 
 trusted in the Lord and encouraged our hearts to 
 hope in His mercy and faithfulness. Our afflictions 
 were many and sore, and our present circumstances 
 embarrassing, and our prospects for the future ex- 
 ceedingly gloomy. Providence seemed to have set 
 us up as a mark for the arrows of adversity. Stroke 
 upon stroke had been experienced. Billow after 
 billow bad gone over us, but we did not give way 
 to despondency and unprofitable repining at the 
 course of events. Considering ourselves under the 
 safe conduct of Almighty God, and knowing that 
 He who is the Lord of time will ever save at the 
 best possible moments, our faith enabled us to sing 
 these beautiful, heart cheering verses : 
 
52 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 " It may not be my way, 
 it may not be thy way, 
 And yet in His own way 
 The Lord will provide. 
 It may not be my time, 
 It may not be thy time, 
 And yet in His own time 
 The Lord will provide." 
 
 He did not provide so quickly as to prevent us 
 from feeling our need, neither did He tarry so long 
 as to make us sick with hope deferred, or so long as 
 to permit unfortunate circumstances to bring us to 
 absolute want. The next day, He rebuked our fear 
 and rewarded our faith. For while we were con- 
 jecturing where the needed aid was to come from, a 
 team, attached to a wagon, halted at our gate, and a 
 small lad got out of the vehicle, entered the yard, 
 advanced to the door, and said, u I am from Catawba 
 county ; my name is Robert Yount; you baptized my 
 sisters." I immediately recognized him to be the 
 son of the talented physician, Dr. McD. Yount, 
 whom I considered the most liberal man I had ever 
 met, under whom I had read medicine, whose child- 
 ren I had baptized, and with whom I had spent 
 some of the happiest social hours of my life. Little 
 Robert remarked, " Father heard that you were sick 
 and he has sent you some flour, potatoes, and other 
 things. He then handed me a match box, and when 
 1 entered the house and opened it, I found seventy 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 53 
 
 five cents and these words written on a scrap of 
 paper. " Please accept this gift from three little 
 children whom you baptized." 
 
 I then thanked God and in gratitude exclaimed : 
 " Though waves and storms go o'er my head, 
 
 Though health and strength be gone, 
 
 Though joys be withered all and dead : 
 
 Though every comfort be withdrawn. 
 
 On this my steadfast soul relies, 
 
 The dear Lord Jesus never dies." 
 
 When the donation from Dr. Yount was almost 
 expended, a colored man, who then waited on Mrs. 
 Vernem, an aged Christian lady from New York, 
 but who is now the pastor of a large and wealthy 
 congregation of colored people in New Jersey, came 
 to my door, handed me a letter and immediately re* 
 tired. I opened the envelope and found five dollars, 
 and these encouraging words : " My dear Christian 
 friends, please accept this small token of my love 
 and esteem, accompanied by my sincere prayers to 
 God in your behalf." This God-sent gift came just 
 in time to relieve great mental solicitude. 
 
 Soon after this, Dr. C. A. Stork-, a lovable Lutheran 
 pastor in Baltimore, Md., who since then has cast 
 his throbbing dust aside, to put his diadem of death- 
 less glory on, sent me five dollars, accompanied by 
 his prayers and sincere sympathy. The tender 
 spirit manifested in his letter made me feel that he 
 was indeed a true brother, worthy of contact with 
 
54 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 the throne and palace of God, the river and tree of 
 life, the family and pavilion, the splendor and equi- 
 page of heaven, in full and satisfying fruition. I 
 have lived and struggled with sufferings, but Dr. 
 Stork was taken in the prime of full manhood to 
 dwell where 
 
 " No blasted flower, 
 Or withered bud celestial gardens know : 
 Xo scorching blast or fierce, descending shower 
 Scatters destruction like a ruthless foe." 
 
 When I was in the greatest need of pecuniary 
 assistance, Thomas A. Scott, who was Secretary of 
 War during the administration of President Lincoln, 
 and afterward president of the Pennsylvania rail- 
 road, wrote me a touching letter and transmitted to 
 me his check for one hundred dollars. This gener- 
 ous donor was then at White Sulphur Springs, 
 Va., sick with Bright's disease, and he died the 
 year following and doubtless is now where 
 
 " No battle word 
 Startles the sacred host with fear and dread, 
 The song of peace creation's morning heard, 
 Is sung wherever angels tread." 
 
 I was confined to my bed almost the whole of my 
 time by weakness and pain, but believing that the 
 soul which cries aloud to God, the God and Father 
 of our Lord Jesus Christ, though it have no language 
 but a cry, would never call in vain, I prayed very 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 55 
 
 sincerely that Almighty God would open the way 
 for me to secure a farm for a permanent home for 
 my wife and children. With a burdened mind con- 
 scious of its great need of heavenly support I rolled 
 my burden of cares and needs upon the arm of Je- 
 hovah. " I sought the Lord and He heard me, and 
 delivered me from all my fears." In the latter part 
 of November, 1880, I received a letter from Mrs. M. 
 D. Harter, of Mansfield, Ohio, in whicli she said : 
 "Enclosed you will find three drafts, each of five 
 dollars, on New York. It is a shame that any min- 
 ister in our church should be in need." This com- 
 munication reached me late in the night, and I did 
 not close my eyes in sleep until I had addressed the 
 kind donor a suitable acknowledgment, in the latter 
 part of which I mentioned my anxiety concerning 
 the future of my family. In a few days I received 
 a letter from her husband, Mr. M. D. Harter, telling: 
 me that he had read the acknowledgment I had ad- 
 dressed to his wife, that it touched his heart, that I 
 should look for a farm, and that he would interest 
 himself in my behalf and contribute to secure it for 
 my family. 
 
 This was an answer to my prayers, but I was too 
 sick to travel over the country in search of lands for 
 sale, and there was no trustworthy, intelligent per- 
 son in the community whom I could ask to attend 
 to my business. By diligent inquiry, however, we 
 
56 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 heard of a small farm which could be purchased for 
 six hundred and fifty dollars. I immediately com- 
 municated the news to my friend, Mr. M. D. Harter, 
 but before the money to paj^ for it reached me the 
 proprietor sold it to another individual, and we 
 could not learn of a plantation in Iredell county 
 with open land and buildings on it that could be 
 bought for less than fifteen or eighteen hundred dol- 
 lars. At last we heard of a body of woodland for 
 sale which was said to have some open ground but 
 no buildings on it. Sick near unto death and exceed- 
 ingly anxious to locate my family, and being fully 
 aware of the impossibility of doing any better with 
 the amount of money promised, I traded for it, but 
 was deceived, for the place did not have an acre of 
 cleared land or a buildimr of any kind on it. At 
 this time my physicians and myself believed that I 
 could not survive until the plantation was secured. 
 I wrote this opinion to Rev. EL. C. Haithcox, of 
 Muncy, Pa., who was a faithful brother to me, and 
 he at once communicated our fears to my friend in 
 Mansfield, Ohio, who promptly transmitted to me 
 the following letter, tor which he shall have the 
 gratitude of my whole heart as long as I inhale the 
 breath of life. 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 57 
 
 Rev. J. H. Fesperman. 
 
 Dear Sir and Brother : 
 
 I notice in a postal card written to Rev. H. C. 
 Harthcox, that you are afraid that your death may 
 occur before the matter of a farm may be arranged, 
 and now write to say that in case such a thing 
 should occur the same thing will be done for your 
 widow as was proposed for you. That is to say, 
 the same proposition as made will be carried out 
 and will not be interfered with by your death. The 
 money is ready any day. Yours truly, 
 
 M. I). Harter. 
 
 Soon after this letter reached me Brother Harter 
 employed an attorney, Hon. William Robbins, to 
 see that a perfect title for the land was secured, and 
 then transmitted the following contributions, viz: M. 
 D. Harter, Mansfield, Ohio, $100 ; G. D. Harter, 
 Canton, Ohio, $100; C. Aultman, Canton, Ohio, 
 $100; A. J. Drexel, Philadelphia, Pa., $100; Geo. 
 W. Childs, Philadelphia, Pa., $100 ; H. Lloyd, Son 
 & Co., Pittsburgh, Pa., $100 ; Huntington Brown, 
 Mansfield, O., $10.00; Kountze Bros., New York, 
 $50.00. The First English Lutheran church in 
 Cincinnati, Ohio, gave me seventy-five dollars, 
 St. John's Lutheran church, Charleston, S. 
 C, contributed seventy -five dollars, and others whose 
 names space will not allow me to mention gave 
 smaller sums, until we had eight hundred and fifty 
 dollars, the amount required to pay for the land. 
 
qQ the life of a sufferer. 
 
 An attorney had the business in hand and the day 
 was appointed to fill out the deed, but alas for poor 
 human nature, the owner, having in some way found 
 out that the money had been given to me by gener- 
 ous friends, at once added fifty dollars to the price 
 he first proposed to take and sent word to me that 
 when this was paid he would make the title. Some 
 one had offered more for the land and this was what 
 made him act in bad faith. This man was a stranger 
 to me, but I considered him a fine representative of 
 " By-ends .and Money-love," characters in "Pilgrim's 
 Progress," who when they came to the silver .mines 
 of Demas, sacrificed their principles for the sake of 
 worldly profit. Some of my friends went to Mr. K., 
 reasoned with and tried to persuade him to let his 
 original contract with me remain unbroken, but 
 nothing except the extra fifty dollars could move 
 him to make and sign the deed. The money was 
 raised, the title secured, and then double trouble, 
 commenced. I had been deceived concerning the 
 cleared land said to have been on the place, and be- 
 sides the community consisted of illiterate and super- 
 stitious people without educational advantages. My 
 children were all young, I was too sick to remain 
 out of bed longer than a few hours each day, the 
 plantation consisted of a body of heavily timbered 
 woodland and I had no money left to build with or 
 improve it in any way. Trusting God, we rented a 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 5') 
 
 small house contiguous to the place, moved into it, 
 and every child that could handle an ax or pick 
 brush, immediately commenced clearing land. Our 
 precious Saviour only knows what terrible hardships 
 and -reat trials we daily endured, but we knew that 
 God reigned and some pious people still lived, and 
 although hope flickered, it did not expire. Almighty 
 God who watches the flight of angels to the most 
 distant world in His vast dominions and follows the 
 true Christian upon his footstool to the closet, the 
 palace of kings, the wilderness, the dungeon, or 
 the scaffold, or to the cross, raised up the following 
 named churches and friends to contribute in our be- 
 half • Wentworth Street Lutheran Church, Charles- 
 ton, S. C, through Rev. L. K. Probst, pastor, Mrs. 
 C. Burkhalter, Boschen Bros., William Dodge, Rev 
 W H Keller, some congregations in New York 
 city Rev W. H. Settlemyer, R-.v. L. A. Mann and 
 a few other friends and brethren. With the econo- 
 mical use of the donations given by these friends, 
 and through hard labor, we managed to erect a 
 house, dig a- well, and put up some necessary out- 
 buildings. Mv family continued to struggle and 
 toil with a determination to open and improve the 
 place Huge trees were to be cut down, logs rolled 
 and burned, and nobody but children under fourteen 
 years old to do this work,-all this made the accom- 
 plishment of our design an overwhelming task, well 
 
60 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 calculated to fill our hands with daily labor and our 
 minds with deep solicitude. Just as we began to 
 think that success would finally crown the faithful 
 efforts of our family to make a support, long sick- 
 ness and death entered the " church of our house- 
 hold,'' took our firstborn son, sixteeu years old, who 
 was our chief help, and gave him to immortality — 
 transferred him to scenes of unsuffering life and un- 
 dying glory at God's right hand, 
 
 Where sighs are all out of hearing, 
 
 And tears are all out of sight, 
 And the shadows of earth are forgotten 
 
 In the heaven of painless delight. 
 
 Our son Bickle was a child of unusual promise, 
 and we cherished bright hopes of this, our first born. 
 His youth was all that life and piety could make it. 
 But the bud of promise had scarcely opened its first 
 petal, when the frost of an early death blighted it 
 forever — no, not forever, for the flower too rich fur 
 earth was gathered by the Lord from the waste of 
 life to the heavenly garden. The breaking of the 
 tender stem was, indeed, painful to his body and the 
 smitten hearts of his parents, but Jesus and the 
 resurrection can heal all the bruises and comfort the 
 sorrowing hearts left behind. Without cessation, he 
 suffered intense pain three months and three weeks, 
 during which time he was not once heard to mur- 
 mur, complain, or wonder why the Lord thus dread- 
 fully afflicted him. 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. gl 
 
 Daring his sickness he prayed many times that a 
 merciful God would give me my health 
 that I might again preach the gospel of Christ. 
 Knowing that my heart was breaking and fearing 
 that I might be overwhelmed by his death, he called 
 for the Bible and requested me to sit by his side 
 while he read the first chapter in the book of Job 
 With a feeble voice he read of Job's afflictions and 
 misfortunes, and then looking at ine, remarked : 
 " Father, remember that, in all this Job sinned not, 
 neither did he charge God foolishly, and that the 
 Lord gave him his children again." A few days be- 
 fore his death he told us that we would have hard 
 struggles and many severe trials in our new home, 
 but that he would not be here to know it. He ex- 
 pected to become a ministering angel, and when we 
 died he would meet us on the shores of the mystic 
 Jordan. When dying he exclaimed, " Raise me 
 higher," and while his wasted arms encircled our 
 necks for the last time,, God sent a messenger from 
 above and took him home, 
 
 Where no parted friends 
 
 Over dying loved ones have to weep ; 
 Where no bed of death parental love attends, 
 
 To watch the coming of a pulseless sleep. 
 
 We laid the body of our beautiful boy in the 
 grave, but we left him not to slumber alone, for we 
 left our hearts with him. Eight years of severe and 
 dangerous bodily affliction hare come and gone 
 
62 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 since that memorable day, when we laid the skeleton 
 form of our child in the dust, and I now hop about 
 on crutches, while each heart throb of my life brings 
 me intense pain, and in this condition I frequently 
 sit down on the decayed stumps of the large trees 
 cut down by the hands of the child who now lies in 
 the grave — cut down at the sacrifice of his life to 
 open the way to provide for me, and I weep as if my 
 heart would break. I cannot refrain from weeping 
 for ray faithful son. These pages, dear reader, are 
 abundantly watered by my tears, but the promise he 
 made, "When you and mother die I will meet you 
 on the shores of the mystic Jordan," swallows mor- 
 tality and bids defiance to the grave. It bids me 
 look up to Him who hears my sighs, counts my 
 tears and feels the great anguish of my suffering 
 heart. When I die I will doubtless see that the af- 
 flictions and many ills of my life were but the dis- 
 guised regards of Almighty goodness, the great 
 shadows of heaven resting upon the vision of earth. 
 When our loved ones die and angels ask for tears at 
 the sio-ht of the heart's fondest ties and most touch- 
 ing affinities rudely wrecked and sundered by the 
 hand of death — at such a momen't what single 
 thought of earth or heaven could so increase the 
 sunset splendor of the soul, the cloudless rainbow of 
 the mind, as the felt assurance of reunion in heaven 
 with those we loved and trusted here ? We shall 
 still live and love in heaven. 
 
THE LTFE OF A SUFFERER. Qg 
 
 How beautiful is that description by the poet of 
 the parent and children meeting together in heaven : 
 
 " And when I saw ray little children unchanged, 
 And heard them fondly call rae by my name, 
 
 Then is the bond of parent and of child 
 Unbroken, I exclaimed, and drew them closer to my heart 
 and rejoiced." 
 
 After the death and burial of our son my family 
 again resumed labor, enduring many great priva- 
 tions, until hope began to sing her cheerful song, en- 
 couraging us to believe that we would at last become 
 self-sustaining. But alas! just then another son, 
 fourteen years old, got hurt while hauling logs,and was 
 made a helpless cripple for life. Physicians ex- 
 pressed the opinion that his injury had produced 
 white swelling, and they cut to the bone below and 
 above the knee joint, making ugly wounds and dis- 
 covering nothing but blood. This operation pro- 
 duced eryesipelas, and in my opinion killed the 
 bones below and above the joint, and thus brought 
 on true necrosis. This dear son has been a suffering 
 cripple five years. He lay in bed nine months suf- 
 fering excruciating pain. Honeycombed bones have 
 come out of his limb, and now it is only a question 
 of time when he will have to undergo an amputation. 
 It seems strange that in each case these painful, dan- 
 gerous and long continued family afflictions com- 
 pletely baffled the skill of many physicians, and bade 
 defiance to all healing art. The doctors seemed un- 
 
6-J. THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 able to fathom the nature of the disease and were 
 powerless even to alleviate the intense sufferings of 
 their patients. 
 
 In these family afflictions our work was interfered 
 with and our expenses greatly increased, but the 
 Lord, who is invincible in power and supreme in 
 authority, who gave fragrance and beauty to the 
 flowers and bread to the ravens, that they might be 
 vehicles of mercy to His people, caused Christian 
 friends North and South to remember us in our 
 great and trying troubles. Without solicitation, the 
 First English Lutheran Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, 
 remembered us on four Christmas occasions, each 
 time sending money, clothing, and other useful 
 articles, which lessened the burdens resting upon 
 our weary shoulders and sorrowing hearts. 
 
 Louis Manss, of Cincinnati, Ohio, and his faithful 
 Christian family, did much to cheer our troubled 
 minds. Rev. Edmund Belfour, D. D., Rev. J. K. 
 
 Melhorn and theircongregations, Dr. W. A. P , 
 
 Pittsburgh, Pa., Trinity Lutheran Church, Lancas- 
 ter, Pa., Rev. Charles Fry, pastor; Rev. Jacob 
 Fry, D. D., Reading, Pa. ; Rev. L. E. Albert, 
 D. D., and his people, Philadelphia, Pa. ; St. Mark's 
 Church, Rev. Samuel Laird, pastor, Philadelphia, 
 Pa. ; Miss Annie Gundaker, and other Christian 
 friends, came to our rescue and encouraged us by 
 words and deeds of brotherly kindness. 
 
 " The least flower with a brimming cup may stand, 
 And share its dewdrop with another near." 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 65 
 
 For many years I have been face to face with 
 trouble, — with continuous unbroken mysteries — 
 with bitter disappointment, with personal and family 
 afflictions and bereavement. My cup of sorrow has 
 been filled again and again after I have drained it of 
 its very dregs. Misfortunes oi various kinds have 
 followed me, and I have been made to pass through 
 the circle of suffering, but I have submitted all dis- 
 tressing problems to God without questioning, and 
 in the firm faith that He seeks my highest good. I 
 repose on my own heavenly Father's love without 
 demanding to know the reasons for His special deal- 
 ings with me. 
 
 " I do not ask my cross to understand, 
 My way to see ; 
 Better in darkness just to feel Thy hand, 
 
 And follow Thee : 
 Joy is like restless day, but peace divine 
 
 Like quiet night ; 
 Lead me, Lord, till perfect day shall shine 
 Through peace to light." 
 
 Suffering seems to be the law of my life. There 
 has not been one day in twelve years when I could 
 truthfully say, "I am well." It is given to me to 
 suffer for God's sake. In other worlds I shall more 
 perfectly serve Him and love Him, praise Him, 
 work for Him, 
 
 " Grow nearer and nearer Him with all delight; 
 But then 1 shall not any more be called 
 To suffer, which is my appointment here." 
 5 
 
QQ THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 I sit with Job in ashes, but I am not comfortless, 
 nor do I regret the day of my birth. To quarrel 
 and fret over my afflictions would not free me from 
 them. That would make them heavier and life 
 more miserable. I cannot ignore them and refuse 
 to recognize them, for they will not down at my 
 bidding. The best physicians have been unable to 
 remove them. They assert themselves in every 
 inch of my body, and thrust themselves across the 
 pathway of my family, destroying the life and 
 health of my children. What can I do with these 
 terrible double afflictions and pressing cares ? Peter 
 solves the difficulty by telling me to cast all my 
 care upon God ; and herein he only repeats the older 
 advice of the Psalmist, " Cast thy burden upon the 
 Lord." The Bible says, " Who is among you that 
 feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his serv- 
 ants, that walketh in darkness and hath no light ? 
 Let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay 
 upon his God." '* Wait on the Lord ; be of good 
 courage, and he shall strengthen thy heart." " Be 
 careful for nothing, but in everything with prayer 
 and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your 
 requests be made known to God." " Cast thy bur- 
 den upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee." 
 His promises ask me to lay my burdens upon Him, 
 because He careth for me, and will help me, and 
 strengthen me, and comfort me. With a resigned 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 67 
 
 heart and submissive will I look to God for grace 
 and strength, and rest upon His promises and pro- 
 vidences with a submissive spirit. I cannot explain 
 why the Lord permits me to be so sorely afflicted, 
 but I know that my heavenly Father is just, and 
 loving, and true. I transfer my burden of cares 
 upon Him, and they become bonds of union and 
 sources of strength. They teach me to lean pn Him 
 more constantly and more lovingly, and so promote 
 and sweeten my communion with Him. He is will- 
 ing for all His children to lean on Him. 
 
 " Sufferer of my love, lean hard, 
 And let me feel the pressure of thy care ; 
 I know thy burden, sufferer ; I shaped it, 
 Poised it in my own hand, made no proportion 
 In its weight to thine unaided strength ; 
 For even as 1 laid it on, I said, 
 I shall be near, and while he leans on me 
 The burden shall be mine, not his : 
 So shall I keep my sufferer within the circling arms 
 Of mine own love. Here lay it down, nor fear 
 To impose it on a shoulder which upholds 
 The government of worlds. Yet closer come ; 
 Thou art not near enough ; I would embrace thy care, 
 So I might feel my sufferer reposing on my breast. 
 Thou lovest me ? I know it. Doubt not, then ; 
 But, loving me, lean hard." 
 
 Leaning on Jesus Christ, I rest secure in my 
 place, and exclaim : 
 
 " Precious Saviour, more than life to me, 
 I am leaning hard on Thee ; 
 Through this changing world below, 
 Sustain me gently as I go." 
 
(3$ THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 In the year 1S87, soon after my crippled son re- 
 covered sufficient strength to use crutches, I was 
 stricken down with valvular heart disease, which for 
 a long time compelled me to occupy a sitting pos- 
 ture in my bed. Many nights my wife sat in the 
 bed and held me, while I reclined on her breast, 
 only sleeping a few moments at a time. This stop- 
 page in the action of my heart arrested the flow of 
 blood to my brain, producing indescribable feelings 
 and great agony of mind. I lay in bed almost the 
 whole of one summer, and the least physical exer- 
 tion or mental excitement invariably brought on 
 paroxysms of my heart. Physicians who visited 
 me abandoned all hope of my life and told the 
 people in the neighborhood that I could not survive. 
 In their opinion my case was hopeless. While I was 
 in this precarious and helpless condition my young- 
 est son, ten years old, who had gone on an errand to 
 a neighbor's house was carried home screaming and 
 bleeding, and was laid on the bed. The calf of his 
 leg was badly torn by a large and vicious dog. 
 Physicians pronounced the wounds dangerous and 
 with great difficulty stitched the injured parts to- 
 gether. The wounds were carefully dressed every 
 day, and the child suffered a great deal. This mis- 
 fortune happened in April, 1888, and it was many 
 weeks before he could walk. My home seems a 
 place consecrated by suffering, tears and prayers. 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 69 
 
 Sorrow is the very woof which is woven into the 
 warp of my life. God created my nerves to agonize 
 and my heart to bleed, and almost every nerve has 
 thrilled with pain, and every affection has been 
 wounded. I have been baptized with affliction, and 
 in it discerned the divine sacredness of sorrow, and 
 the profound meaning which is concealed in pain. 
 How strangely has suffering been meted out to me 
 and to my loved ones. I do not cry out in misery 
 and anguish as Job did, and expostulate with the 
 Most High because of the mysterious visitations. I 
 am willing to be used as His will directs. He does 
 not take away my pain, or heal my sickness ; but 
 he gives me strength to bear it, He illumines my 
 suffering life with these promises, " When thou 
 passest through the waters, I will be with thee, and 
 through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee ; 
 when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be 
 burned, neither shall the flames kindle upon thee," 
 '• Whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourg- 
 eth every son whom he receiveth." 
 
 Claiming these promises, 
 Misfortune never can move me, 
 No judgment can dismay. 
 For Jesus, who doth love me, 
 Walks with me day by day. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 On the 14th of January, 1889, I was doomed to 
 suffer the most heart-rending calamity of my unfor- 
 tunate life. Scarcely able to be out of my bed, I 
 attempted a journey a mile from home, my horse 
 ran away, I was caught in the wheel of the vehicle 
 and my foot, with the exception of the tendon, was 
 torn off, leaving several inches of the bare bone pro- 
 jecting. Immediately after the accident, I sat up 
 and cut off my boot, only to discover that one of 
 my poor feet on which I had traveled hundreds of 
 miles to preach God's Word, was almost entirely 
 separated from my poor frail body. I was taken 
 home to my weeping family in a wagon that had 
 no springs, and every inch of the rough road pro- 
 duced great suffering. Physicians stretched the 
 contracted tendon and let the joint fly back into its 
 socket. This caused me the greatest pain I ever 
 endured. After a few days they put the limb into 
 a box of wheat bran. Fermentation took place and 
 this produced a bad case of mortification. I lay 
 nine days suffering more than human tongue can de- 
 scribe, and the foot turned dark and fell out of 
 socket, leaving the ends of the bones exposed. Two 
 and sometimes three doctors came every day, stood 
 at the foot of the bed and stared at my poor de- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. *J \ 
 
 cayed limb. My wife dressed my wounds with 
 greater tenderness and skill than any of the 
 physicians. One day I pointed to the foot 
 as it lay on one side, and to the dark bones 
 as they projected in another direction, and 
 said to the medical men, " Gentlemen, that leg will 
 have to be amputated." They promptly assented. 
 The next day was appointed for the operation. I 
 used every effort to avoid the knives of inexpe- 
 rienced men by telegraphing to skilled physicians in 
 Salisbury, 1ST. C, requesting them to come to my 
 assistance, but the distance, cold, ice and other 
 things prevented them from responding. The attend- 
 ing physicians came at the appointed time, the 23rd 
 of January, 1889, ate their dinners, held a private 
 consultation, and then announced that they were 
 ready to perform the operation. I could not secure 
 the services of more competent men and I was 
 obliged to submit. The house and yard were full 
 of men and even of women, who seemed anxious to 
 witness the amputation. My wife and children 
 kneeled around my bed, while I prayed that a mer- 
 ciful God would take them under His special care, 
 and give me the needed strength to endure the fear- 
 ful trial just before me. I took each of my weeping 
 loved ones by the hand, blessed them, kissed them 
 and bade them adieu, and then calling for the chloro- 
 form, which was administered in large quantities, in 
 
72 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 a short time T was perfectly oblivious to the world 
 around me. I was one hour under the knives, saw 
 and needles of the doctors. The bones had been 
 severed and I suppose it must have been when the 
 physicians injured a nerve that my consciousness 
 returned, and I immediately knew everything that 
 was being done. The remaining arteries were 
 caught, and the flaps stitched without the use of 
 any more chloroform, and nothing but Almighty 
 power could give me the the ability to describe the 
 awful suffering I endured while this was being accom- 
 plished. The operation was finally finished, and I 
 was carried to my bed, but believing that my leg 
 had been cut off where the flesh was unsound, I 
 remarked to the physicians: "You have amputated 
 my limb too low down, in inflamed material and 
 thus ruined me." They replied. u Ko, Mr. Fesper- 
 man, we cut it off there because we knew that when 
 you got well you would desire to wear a pretty little 
 artificial foot." 
 
 The doctors in performing the operation had in- 
 jured a nerve, and made a flap too short, which, 
 being inflamed, quickly sloughed away, leaving the 
 bones and the marrow in them exposed many weeks 
 before any sign of healing appeared. The lack of 
 skill in the administration of the chloroform caused 
 it to take all the skin from my lips, mouth, tongue 
 and throat. My wife took fine linen cloth and wiped 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 73 
 
 the burnt flesh oat of my throat and mouth. I ex- 
 pectorated blood and my lungs felt as if they would 
 burn up. The injured nerve in the stump of my 
 leg had the constant sensation of , being in a blaze of 
 fire. I am unable to describe the fearful sufferings 
 I endured. Soon after the operation was finished, 
 I commenced sinking and lingered between death 
 and life until the sixth day, when the first sign of 
 improvement appeared. 
 
 During this time intervals of consciousness re- 
 turned, and on each occasion I would feebly inquire : 
 " Where is my baby boy? " The mother, who sat 
 by my side, would answer : u Here he is, with his 
 head on my lap." Looking at him satisfied me, 
 and my mind would then immediately launch out 
 into unconsciousness, and I imagined that angels 
 were flitting round me and that I was walking on the 
 stub of my amputated leg, crossing creeks, rivers 
 and oceans, always carrying my precious child in 
 my arms. I verily believe that the constant pres- 
 ence of this dear boy greatly assisted me to fight a 
 strong battle for life. I had five other children, 
 whom I loved equally well, but he being the young- 
 est, was more constantly on my mind. 
 
 My faithful wife sat by my bed and watched me 
 day and night nearly six weeks without any rest 
 except what she obtained by placing her head on 
 my pillow and thus sleeping a few moments at a 
 
74 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 time. The Lord strengthened her in her vigils by 
 my side. 
 
 " God gives His angels charge of those who sleep, 
 But He Himself watches with those who wake. 
 
 The Lord watched by my bedside with my wife 
 and sustained her strength and courage. 
 " God made suffering the Law of my life, 
 But He Himself came to me, and stood 
 Beside me, gazing down on me with eyes 
 That smiled, and suffered ; that smote my heart, 
 With their own pity, to a passionate peace ; 
 And reached to me Himself the Holy cup, 
 Saying, 'Intense sufferer, drink with me,' 
 My pale brow will compel thee, my pure hands 
 Will minister unto thee ; thou shalt take 
 Of this communion through the solemn depths 
 Of the dark waters of thine earthly agony, 
 With a heart that praises Me, that yearns to Me, 
 The closer through this hour. Hold fast my hand, 
 Though the nails pierce thine too ; take only care 
 Lest one drop of the sacramental wine 
 Be spilled, of that which ever shall unite 
 Thee, soul and body, to thy living Lord. 
 I will not leave thee, I will not depart, 
 Nor lose thee, nor forget thee, but will clasp 
 Thee closer in the thrilling of my arms. 
 And this terrible pain and agony shall make thee 
 Serve Me and love Me, praise Me, and work for Me. 
 And through affliction grow nearer and nearer to Me." 
 
 Too weak to raise my head from the pillow, I 
 lay, day and ni^ht, communing with my precious 
 Saviour, and every moment suffered excruciating 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. YO 
 
 pains. The attending physicians and visiting 
 friends considered my case hopeless. The news 
 that I was standing on the very threshold of the 
 grave — the gateway to my Father's house of many 
 mansions, rapidly spread through the country. 
 Presbyterian and Methodist ministers and their 
 congregations offered special prayers to God for my 
 recovery. This was the second time in my life 
 when the people of different denominations unitedly 
 asked the Lord to heal my sickness. Revs. Bagby 
 and Ivey, Methodist ministers, with whom I had once 
 associated, came in person, knelt by my bed and 
 prayed that Almighty God would graciously 
 strengthen and raise me up again. My faithful 
 friend and esteemed brother, Rev. W. Kimball, 
 hearing of my helpless condition, came from his 
 home near China Grove to visit and comfort me. 
 Bro. Kimball had once been my pastor andhispres- 
 ence did much to encourage me. He promptly 
 sent the following account of my misfortune to the 
 church papers : 
 
 " Rev. J. H. Fesperman, a Lutheran minister of 
 the North Carolina Synod, who has been an invalid 
 for nine years, unable to preach or do any labor, 
 sustained a most fearful injury on Monday last. 
 Being weak and sick with heart disease, he started 
 to a neighbor's house in a one-horse wagon. The 
 horse became frightened and ran away. Bro. Fes- 
 perman became entangled and his left leg was 
 
76 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 broken and the foot torn entirely out of the socket, 
 leaving the bone projecting at least three inches, 
 entirely bare of skin. The physicians who set and 
 treated the leg, said in all their practice they had 
 not seen so bad a case. They gave not the least en- 
 couragement for his leg or life. The prevailing 
 opinion is that it will have to be amputated, which 
 operation his physical strength will not, we fear, be 
 able to bear. For more than eight years this 
 brother and his family have had almost constant 
 and double affliction, first in his own personal 
 trouble, consumption ; second, the loss of his eldest 
 son ; third, the affliction of the sixteen-year-old son, 
 who has been so badly maimed with white swelling 
 that he is unable to perform any labor. In every 
 instance the affliction has been long and dreadful ; 
 and finally the excruciating calamity which has 
 fallen upon the head of the family, whose feet were 
 near the brink of the grave. Sister Fesperman, in 
 this her great trial, asks the prayers and sympathy 
 of the entire Church of God. Surely those who 
 are being blessed with the abundance of this 
 world's goods will remember this sorely-afflicted 
 brother and family in this time of need. 
 
 "W. Kimball." 
 
 This article from the pen of brother Kimball ap- 
 peared in several church papers, and Mr. C. T. 
 Bernhardt, of Salisbury, N. C, was the first person 
 to transmit pecuniary aid, which he accompanied 
 with his sincere sympathy. Many of my brethren 
 whose names I would be glad to mention, sent me 
 words of cheer with substantial tokens of their 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 77 
 
 Christian sympathy. Friends at China Grove, 
 through Rev. W. Kimball, the congregations of 
 Revs. Chas. B. King, Father Rothrock, Wright 
 Campbell, F. W. E. Peschau and William Lutz 
 contributed to sustain me in my desperate affliction 
 and trying trouble. Letters of Christian love and 
 brotherly affection came to me from California, 
 Kansas, Nebraska, and from the east and west, 
 north and south, conveying small sums of money 
 for my benefit, and telling me of prayers that were 
 going up to God in my behalf. These pecuniary 
 gifts provided comforts for myself and family and 
 paid the physicians who visited me every day. 
 Doctors traveled twelve miles each trip they made, 
 and coming every day, even at half rates, amounted 
 to no little expense for me. Revs. Peschau, Kim- 
 ball and King kept themselves informed of my 
 physical, temporal and spiritual condition, for which 
 they shall ever have my profound gratitude. 
 
 " If none were sick and none were sad, 
 
 What service could we render ? 
 I think if we were always glad, 
 
 We scarcely could be tender. 
 Did our friends never need 
 
 Patient ministration, 
 Earth would grow cold and lose, indeed, 
 
 Its sweetest consolation." 
 
 I lay in bed many months not knowing the cause 
 of my ever-present and awful sufferings, until sur- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 geons North, through correspondence, informed me 
 that my main nerve was injured, that each pulsation 
 of my heart rushed the blood to the end of the 
 artery and jerking an attached nerve, produced pain 
 at everv throb. If the physicians who per- 
 formed the operation of amputation, and who visited 
 me every day, knew the cause of my indescribable 
 misery, they preferred to let the secret go with me 
 into the grave, rather than to divulge. Yery dis- 
 tinguished surgeons have informed me that the 
 operation of " dividing the nerve " could have been 
 successfully performed if the attempt had been 
 made before the surrounding tissues were diseased. 
 I asked the attending physicians to please explain 
 why I had to suffer perpetual torture, but they 
 replied, " We don't know." The history of succes- 
 ful amputations develops the fact that after the 
 second or third week the pain gradually disappears. 
 But in my case it has been otherwise. Long and 
 constant suffering has caused a cancerous growth, 
 called a " neuroma," to form under the skin on the 
 end of the injured nerve. This terrible tumor 
 grows, jerks, quivers, pains and burns without 
 cessation, as if the stump of the limb were in a vessel 
 of scalding water, and nothing will bring alleviation. 
 Receiving no relief from physicians in Iredell Co., 
 I commenced corresponding with noted surgeons in 
 Baltimore, Md., and in Richmond, Va., and their 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 7q 
 
 answers to my inquiries developed a perfect unan- 
 imity of opinion concerning my case. On Friday, 
 July the 2ud, 1889, Rev. F. W. E. Peschau, D. D., 
 of Wilmington, N. O, President of the Evangelical 
 Lutheran Synod of North Carolina, visited me, 
 offered prayer to God in my behalf, and spent 
 several hours of edifying social conversation with 
 me. On Saturday, July the 3rd, Bro. Peschau 
 returned and administered the Holy Communion to 
 myself and family. 
 
 Christ is a living presence everywhere, 
 
 And He has countless means, and voices low and sweet, 
 
 We cannot be where we will not meet 
 
 Some message of His tender love and care. 
 
 My dear Saviour comes to me in the Holy Com- 
 munion and makes common things sacred, and 
 perishable things precious, and dark things bright, 
 and sorrowful things a source of strength, and 
 gladness and safety. If a man's misfortunes ex- 
 cluded him from an acceptable participation in the 
 Lord's Supper, then I should be miserable, but, 
 believing that there is no path so hard, so rough, so 
 lowly, or so dark that he who walks therein may 
 not hope to meet Christ in the way, I remain cheer- 
 ful, and say, 
 
 " Out of myself, dear Lord, 
 0, lift me up ! 
 No more I trust myself in life's dim maze, 
 Sufficient to myself in all its devious ways, 
 I trust no more, but humbly at Thy throne 
 Pray, " Lead me, for 1 cannot go alone." 
 
80 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 Out of ray weary self, 
 O, lift me up ! 
 I faint : the road winds upward all the way ; 
 Each night but ends another weary day. 
 Give me Thy strength, and I may be so blest 
 As " on the heights " I find the longed-for rest. 
 
 Out of my selfish self, 
 0, lift me up ! 
 To live for others, and in living so, 
 To be a blessing wheresoe'er I go, 
 To give the sunshine, and the clouds conceal, 
 Or let them but the silver clouds reveal. 
 
 Out of my lonely self, 
 0, lift me up ! 
 Tho' other hearts with love are running o'er, 
 Tho' dear ones fill my lonely home no more, 
 Tho' every day I miss the fond caress, 
 Help me to join in others' happiness. 
 
 Out of my doubting self, 
 0, lift me up ! 
 Help me to feel that Thou art always near, 
 That tho' 'tis night and all around seems drear, 
 Help me to know that tho' I cannot see, 
 It is my Father's hand that leadeth me." 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 As soon as I was able to leave home I had my- 
 self conveyed to Salisbury, N. C. Rev. Chas. B. 
 King, pastor of St. John's Lutheran Church, met 
 me at the station, accompanied me to comfortable 
 quarters which he had previously provided, 
 showed me many tender acts of brotherly kind- 
 ness, and before I left thoughtfully handed me the 
 money to pay my expenses. The physicians exam- 
 ined ray limb, expressing the opinion that it would 
 gradually become worse, and that my only hope of 
 relief would be through re-amputation. Although 
 suffering without a moment of cessation, I could not 
 abandon the belief that the nerve and artery couldl 
 be divided by surgical skill. I knew that the physi- 
 cians in Salisbury were men of ability, and I re- 
 turned home much discouraged, only to realize that 
 the belief of the medical men in regard to my case 
 was correct. My sufferings increased, I applied 
 poultices, laudanum, chloroform, ether, cocaine, 
 creosote, oil of peppermint, and everything that sug- 
 gested itself to my mind, but nothing alleviated the 
 pain a single moment. I wrote to distinguished 
 surgeons and physicians in Baltimore, Md., and in 
 Richmond, Va., giving them a minute description of 
 
82 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 my case. Some of them expressed the opinion that 
 if they could see me personally they could determine 
 whether it was possible to divide the nerve and ar- 
 tery, and thus relieve me. 
 
 I could not hop on my crutches unless my wife or 
 one of my children carried my leg in front of me. 
 This was done by putting a scarf around my limb, 
 holding it up and walking before me. Notwith- 
 standing this, I again went to Salisbury to consult 
 physicians, but they assured me that my condition 
 had grown more critical, and reiterated the opinion 
 that nothing except re-amputation would relieve me. 
 1 requested one of the oldest surgeons in Salisbury, 
 who knew the condition of my lungs and heart, to 
 please place himself as if in the very presence of Al- 
 mighty God, and in such an attitude to express his 
 opinion in regard to my recovery from re-amputation. 
 He quietly and kindly answered : " Mr. Fesper- 
 man, prepare everything before you undergo the 
 next operation, for you will expire under the knife." 
 I went away from the surgeon's office with these 
 words on m} T tongue : 
 
 " All the sorrows, all the ill, 
 Which my Heavenly Father's will 
 Has already made me bear, 
 Or in future may prepare, 
 While I run my earthly race, 
 I will meet all in its place, 
 Bold and cheerful by His grace." 
 
 "Get everything ready before you have your leg 
 re-amputated, for you will expire under the knife," 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 83 
 
 were words uttered by an experienced physician, 
 and they had no small influence on my mind. No 
 man possessing a sound mind will rush on death, 
 neither will he risk his life so long as he can avoid 
 it. Being hedged in on all sides by lung and heart 
 troubles, and other difficulties, all of which pre- 
 cluded the thought of safety in undergoing another 
 operation, I resolved to go home, trusting that the 
 day would yet come when I could say, " The Lord 
 hath done all things well. He chose this path for 
 
 " No feeble chance, nor hard, relentless fate, 
 
 But love, His love, hath placed my footsteps here 
 He knew the way was rough and desolate ; 
 
 Knew how ray heart would often sink with fear, 
 Yet tenderly He whispers, ' Sufferer, I see 
 This path is best for thee.' 
 He chose this path for me, 
 And well He knew that I must tread alone 
 
 Ps gloomy vales and ford each flowing stream ;• 
 Knew how my bleeding heart would sobbing moan, 
 
 Dear Lord, to wake and And it alia dream, 
 Love scanned it all, yet still could say, I see 
 This rath is best for thee. 
 He chose this path for mp. 
 Even while He knew the fearful midnight gloom, 
 My timid, shrinking soul must travel through; 
 How towering rocks w r ou!doft before me loom, 
 
 And apparitions meet my frightened view 
 Still comes the whisper, ' Sufferer, I see 
 This path is best for thee.' 
 He chose this path for me. 
 What need I more, than this sweel truth to know, 
 That all along these strange, bewildering ways 
 O'er rocky steeps and w^here dark rivers flow 
 
 His loving arms will bear me ' all the days,' 
 A few steps more, and [ myself shall see 
 This path is best for me." 
 
84 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 In the summer of 1889, after I returned from my 
 visit to the doctors in Salisbury, my sufferings were 
 so intense that I was liable to the lock-jaw. Being 
 afraid of falling into the hands of incompetent physi- 
 cians, I determined to move to Salisbury, where I 
 could be near prompt and efficient surgical and medi- 
 cal assistance. 
 
 Informing my friend and brother, Rev. Chas. B. 
 King, in whose judgment I had perfect confidence, 
 of my desire to locate in Salisbury, that I might be 
 convenient to physicians there, he selected a com- 
 fortable house, situated in a quiet, healthful and 
 good neighborhood, which I rented and moved into 
 in September, 1889. Distinguished surgeons, North, 
 encouraged me to believe that it was possible to re- 
 lieve me without cutting off the leg another time. 
 But I did not possess a " minister's permit " to 
 travel over the different railroads at reduced rates, 
 and I knew that without this permit the expense of 
 going North to see surgeons would require more 
 money than I was able to command. Here again 
 my esteemed brother, Rev. Charles B. King, did not 
 fail in his friendship or influence. In the face of 
 obstacles that prevented others from asking such a 
 favor for me, he applied for a " Clerical permit " for 
 me to visit Baltimore, and the railroad officials 
 promptly granted his request. Leaving my children 
 in the care of brother King, and accompanied by my 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 85 
 
 wife, I went to Baltimore in October, 1889, entered 
 the Union Protestant Hospital, where we con- 
 sulted some of the most distinguished surgeons of 
 the city. Soon after our arrival, Dr. Fawcett, the 
 superintendent of the hospital, examined my chest, 
 after which he expressed the opinion that I was in- 
 deed in a dangerous condition, and at the same time 
 remarked, that he would not attach any blame to me 
 if I returned home the next day. Dr. Fawcett is an 
 exceedingly agreeable and intelligent man. He 
 treats his patients with fatherly kindness and in- 
 spires their confidence. Rev. S. Stall and Rev. W. 
 P. Evans, Lutheran pastors in the city, promptly 
 called on me and proffered their services to aid me 
 in securing the advice of the most talented surgeons 
 in Baltimore. God bless these noble pastors ! They 
 assured me of their sympathy and willingness to 
 abide by me. They tenderly informed me that if 
 any operation were performed and I needed pecu- 
 niary aid to carry me through long confinement, I 
 might expect them to be true to me. These breth- 
 ren had the fine sensibility to understand my feel- 
 ings, and the judgment to know what would be 
 necessary, and they have my profound gratitude for 
 the consideration and attention they showed to me 
 while I lay suffering in their city. 
 
86 THE LTFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 " Blest is the man 
 
 Whose breast expands with generous warmth 
 A brother's woes to feel, 
 
 And bleeds in pity o'er the wounds 
 He needs the power to heal. 
 
 He spreads his kind, supporting arms 
 To every child of grief ; 
 
 His secret bounty largely flows, 
 And brings unmasked relief." 
 
 Through the help of Brother Stall, I had quick 
 access to the presence of some of the most prominent 
 surgeons in Baltimore. Dr. Allen P. Smith is a 
 distinguished surgeon, and a very kind gentleman. 
 He visited me three times, and I also consulted him 
 in his office, but he considered it impracticable to 
 attempt to relieve me in any way except through re- 
 amputation. The celebrated surgeon, Tiffany, of 
 the University Hospital, richly deserves the great 
 distinction the public confers upon him. He re- 
 ceived me with great urbanity, examined my con- 
 dition with much patience and tenderness, and then 
 with kindness and candor gave me his opinion, say- 
 ing, "Ke-amputation is the only sure remedy for 
 your sufferings. Your pain will gradually increase 
 and become so intense that you will be obliged to 
 remove the limb or expire with it on you. You are 
 here now and can travel about on your crutches, but 
 if I put you on the operating table and re-amputate 
 your leg, you may expire in two minutes. Now, I 
 have given you my opinion, and if you desire me to 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 87 
 
 perform the operation, I will cheerfully go to any 
 place in the city and re-amputate your .limb, and if 
 you survive, I will wait on you like a son." I cer- 
 tainly love and reverence this great and noble sur- 
 geon for his ability, candor and kindness. When I 
 left the room he accompanied me to the door, offered 
 to assist me on the street car and left the image of 
 his greatness written for all time on my mind. After 
 this interview we deemed it best to return to our 
 children in Salisbury, N. C. Rev. S. Stall, learning 
 of our intention to leave the city, handed us fifty 
 dollars from the " Ministerial Relief Society of Balti- 
 more," which sum amounted to within twenty dol- 
 lars ot the expenses incurred by the trip. We left 
 Baltimore with sad hearts. I had been informed by 
 surgeons of very great ability that my leg was a 
 " sample of miserable surgical inefficiency," that the 
 condition of my lungs and heart made it exceedingly 
 dangerous for me to take chloroform, that the 
 shrunken and diseased state of my muscles and 
 nerves would doubtless cause sloughing to occur, 
 that nothing except re-amputation would free me 
 from constant misery, and that this kind of operation 
 would in all probability quickly prove fatal. 
 
 We returned from Baltimore to Salisbury, and 
 found our children well, for which blessing we de- 
 voutly thanked our dear Lord. With hope in God 
 and my hold on heaven, I determined to try to bear 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 my sufferings, and to wait and pray, trusting that 
 some remedy might yet be found to alleviate my 
 misery, but my pain gradually became more intense. 
 Day after day, and night after night, I held my 
 withered, painful limb in my hand, and prayed 
 that my precious Saviour, who holds the world on 
 His arm, and the stars in His right hand, would 
 mercifully and speedily deliver me. Thus suffering, 
 without abatement, I concluded to visit a famous 
 surgeon in Richmond, Va., with whom I had cor- 
 responded, and wlio had expressed a willingness to 
 investigate my case. I started out alone and went 
 to Richmond, where the son of Rev. J. S. Moser 
 met me at the station and accompanied me to the 
 parsonage. After resting and taking breakfast, 
 brother Moser went with me to the office of the 
 celebrated surgeon, Hunter McGuire, whom I found 
 surrounded by many suffering patients. Brother 
 Moser announced that I was in the reception room, 
 and the kind surgeon granted trie the special favor 
 of an immediate interview. Great surgeons always 
 have their hands full. They have appointed hours 
 for patients to visit them, and those who go into 
 their reception rooms, and find other individuals al- 
 ready there, have to be patient and wait their time 
 Dr. McGuire promptly gave me the opportunity t 
 consult him, and I found him to be a very plain, 
 candid and clever man. After taking me by the 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 89 
 
 hand and requesting me to occupy a seat, he re- 
 marked, " I know before I look at your leg what 
 causes your awful suffering, and I fear that nothing 
 can be done to relieve you without greatly endanger- 
 ing your life." He then examined me and expressed 
 the opinion that the doctors who cut off the leg 
 had unintentionally injured the nerve; that the 
 muscles were badly emaciated, and the surround- 
 ing tissues diseased ; that any attempt to sever the 
 nerve and artery would produce blood poisoning and 
 that nothing but re amputation of the diseased mem- 
 ber would afford any relief. He added, " I am not 
 afraid of killing you by the administration of cloro- 
 form, but I do fear to apply the knife to that poor 
 leg — that poor leg. I think the flesh will rot off 
 and leave your bones exposed." Discovering the 
 scar where Dr. C. had cut into the stump of my leg, 
 Dr. McGuire remarked, " You have been a very un- 
 fortunate man, but in this instance, you were indeed 
 very fortunate that you did not die when the doctor 
 made that useless incision." He then advised me 
 to use a course of electricity, massage and medical 
 treatmeot, and to be at home with my family when 
 any operation was performed. When I was parting 
 from this eminent surgeon, he kindly requested me 
 to feel myself at liberty to call on him again, and 
 let him know any developments that might take 
 place in my case. After this interview, I returned 
 
90 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 with Rev. Moser to the parsonage, and spent the 
 remainder of the day in pleasant social conversation. 
 To me, this was a day of great bodily pain, but the 
 dear brother and hisjgood wife did much to cheer 
 my anxious mind, and thereby, to some extent, 
 helped me to bear my physical sufferings without 
 complaint. 
 
 Discouraged by the opinion of the surgeon, I con- 
 cluded to return home as early as possible. Brother 
 Moser kindly secured a berth in a sleeping car for 
 me, and bidding adieu to this family of faithful 
 friends, I left Richmond, and by daylight next 
 morning was not far from my home and family in 
 Salisbury. My return from Richmond without re- 
 lief was a sore disappointment to me. 
 
 "0 blows that smite ! hurts that pierce 
 This shrinking heart of mine ! 
 What are ye but the Master's tools 
 Forming a work divine ? 
 hopes that crumble to my feet, 
 O joy that mocks and flies, 
 What are ye but the clogs that bind 
 My spirit from the skies ? " 
 
 Several weeks after I came home from Virginia,. 
 Dr. McGuire requested Rev. J. S. Moser to write 
 and say to me, that he would come to Salisbury and 
 re-amputate my leg if he thought he could be of any 
 more service to me than other efficient surgeons, but 
 that he would again advise me to have my family 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 91 
 
 and friends with me when the operation was per- 
 formed. To me, this counsel was plain enough, and 
 I immediately turned to the twenty seventh page in 
 the Book of Worship and read these'soul-inspiring 
 words : 
 
 " Give to the winds thy fears, 
 Hope, and be undismayed ; 
 God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears ; 
 He shall lift up thy head. 
 
 Through waves, and clouds and storms, 
 
 He gently clears thy way ; 
 Wait thou His time, so shall this night, 
 
 Soon end in joyous day." 
 
 To add to my burden of ever present pain and 
 mental anxie'y, my afflicted son's disease grew worse, 
 and physicians informed me that his leg would have 
 to be amputated. Notwithstanding paroxysms of 
 great pain he was not willing for the operation to be 
 performed, and I did not feel justifiable in pressing 
 him to submit. I knew what an awful thing it was 
 to endure the pain and shock and extreme weakness 
 invariably produced by a surgeon's knife. It is a 
 dreadful thing to have our flesh cut to pieces and 
 our bones severed, and I will not persuade my son 
 to undergo an operation. 
 
 1 do not understand the mystery of this double 
 and dreadful affliction. But standing in the light of 
 the nineteenth century, with the Bible for my rule 
 of faith and practice, I believe that every single soul, 
 
92 THE LIF E OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 sick or well, has a place in the heart, and is taken 
 into account in the purposes of Him who moves the 
 tempest, and makes His sun shine upon the un- 
 thankful and on the good. These dreadful personal 
 and family afflictions would make me wretched in- 
 deed, if I did not believe that the Almighty arranges 
 everything pertaining to me and mine. Skeptics 
 can ask me hundreds of questions about God's prov- 
 idence that I cannot answer, but I shall believe until 
 the day of my death that no pang ever seizes me 
 but God decides when it shall come and when it 
 shall go, and that I am« overarched by unerring 
 care, and that though the heavens may fall, and 
 the earth may burn, and the judgment may thunder, 
 and eternity may roll, if I am God's child, not so 
 much as a hair shall fall from my head, or a shadow 
 drop on my path, or a sorrow transfix my heart, but 
 to the very last particular it shall be under my 
 Father's arrangement. This enables me to anchor 
 and rest my soul fast and firm in God all the day 
 long ; and grasping His hand, to look out on all my 
 mysterious, double and dreadful afflictions and say : 
 " Thy will be done on earth," if not yet " as done in 
 heaven," still done in the issues and events of all j 
 and done with cheerful obedience and thankful ac- 
 ceptance of its commands and allotments in my own 
 suffering life. Thank God, amid my intense agony, 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 93- 
 
 the victory of faith triumphs, giving me entire sub- 
 mission to the will of the Lord ; I can truly say : 
 
 " Pain's furnace heat within me quivers, 
 God's breath upon the flame doth blow, 
 And all my heart in anguish shivers, 
 
 And trembles at the fiery glow ; 
 And yet I whisper, As God will, 
 And, in the hottest fire, hold still. 
 
 He comes and lays my heart, all heated, 
 
 On the hard anvil, minded so. 
 Into His own fair shape to beat it, 
 
 With His great hammer, blow on blow ; 
 And yet I whisper, As God will, 
 And at His heaviest blows hold still. 
 
 He takes my softened heart and beats it ; 
 
 The sparks fly off at every blow ; 
 He turns it o'er and o'er and heats it, 
 
 And lets it cool, and makes it glow ; 
 And yet I whisper, As God will, 
 And in His almighty hand hold still. 
 
 When God has done His work in me, 
 
 Lo ! I say, trusting, As God will, 
 
 And trusting to the end, hold still." 
 
 This full acceptance of the divine will in regard 
 to my personal and family affl ctions, I consider the 
 law of my life, and the best tribute of homage that I 
 can pay to the Most High God. I find myself 
 where I am, and as I am ; because I am sick and 
 crippled, I need not be useless and unhappy. I ac- 
 cept my situation as of divine appointment, and I 
 try to be content in it. Lamenting over the past 
 
94 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 will do no good. T cannot recall or change it. 
 Complaining of the present will not mend it. It 
 may make myself and others wretched. Anxiety 
 about the the future will not make it any brighter. 
 My heavenly Father has permitted me to be afflict- 
 ed, and allowed things to be just as they are. He 
 knows what is best, I know He loves me. I will 
 therefore leave all with Him. No rebellion shall be 
 cherished in my heart, and no murmur shall escape 
 my lips. My Saviour has promised that His grace 
 shall be sufficient for me. He will never leave me, 
 but be a present help in time of suffering. Trust- 
 in gin Him and committing all to His loving care, I 
 will do what I can to praise Him. I will make the 
 place where my lot is cast as bright and cheerful as 
 I can, and wait with patience, saying, a As God will." 
 While I remained in Salisbury during the spring of 
 1890, I enjoyed the blessed privilege of sitting under 
 the ministry of Rev. Charles B. King. Brother 
 King delivered beautiful and precious discourses, 
 well calculated to enable me to endure my intense 
 sufferings and to bear my great burden of cares in 
 cheerful, loving trust. This minister of Jesus Christ 
 and ever faithful brother, published the following 
 article covering my visit to Baltimore, and also gave 
 an account of my physical condition : 
 
 "There has been no published notice given con- 
 cerning our afflicted brother Fesperman for about 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 95 
 
 six months. Some of his distant friends have ex- 
 pressed a desire that public mention be made con- 
 cerning his condition. This request accounts for 
 the following statements : Rev. J. H. Fesperman 
 moved from Barium Springs to Salisbury, N. C, 
 tho first of October, 1889, to obtain medical advice 
 and treatment, since he continued to suffer great 
 pain, occasioned by the sad accident in which his 
 left foot and ankle were torn off, and the unsucess- 
 ful amputation of the limb. On account of his weak 
 physical condition, the physicians in Salisbury 
 could promise him little encouragement in case of 
 re-amputation. He therefore decided to go to Balti- 
 more for further consultation. He spent ten davs 
 in Baltimore the latter part of October. While 
 there he consulted the most distinguished surgeons 
 in the city. Their unanimous opinion was, that on 
 account of his heart trouble and lung trouble he 
 would most likely expire under the operation of a 
 second amputation. He was advised to return 
 home and await future developments, and that if 
 the suffering became intense beyond undurance, to 
 submit to another amputation as a last hope. The 
 skilled physicians in Salisbury agree, in the main 
 with the Baltimore men. Brother Fesperman's 
 present condition is critical. His constant sufferings 
 grow more painful each day, and unless there be 
 some unexpected change very soon, he thinks that 
 
\)b THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 he cannot long survive. His stay in Salisbury has 
 been necessarily accompanied by considerable ex- 
 pense. This expense has been borne almost 
 entirely by a few interested friends. Six months' 
 association and sympathy with the brother have 
 brought me into a full knowledge of his condition 
 and trials. These statements are given to inform 
 the brethren, and to lay the facts upon their consci- 
 ence." 
 
 Charles B. King, 
 
 Pastor of Lutheran Church, Salisbury, N. C. 
 
 This article from Brother King's pen brought 
 from Messrs. Carr, Watts, Strouse, Trout and others, 
 means sufficient to pay my house rent, and bear 
 other expenses while we lived in Kowan Co. Not 
 finding any employment for my children in Salisbury 
 we returned home, where they could work on the 
 farm, and where I spent the summer of 1890 in 
 awful misery. The " neuroma " on the limb kept 
 growing, quivering and jerking, while the injured 
 nerve seemed to be on fire. I spent many nights 
 holding my leg in an elevated position, and when I 
 slept at all, I frequently dreamed of being fast in 
 piles of logs on fire, and in vessels of boiling water 
 from which I could not escape. Day after day, and 
 night after night I writhed in perfect torture and 
 longed for cool weather to come, fully believing that 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 97 
 
 then I would risk every danger and have some opera- 
 tion performed. I could not and would not say that I 
 intended to take my case in my own hand and have 
 the leg re-amputated, even if I should die. I try to be 
 ruled by the indications of Divine Providence. A 
 man came into my house and found me holding my 
 limb and enduring extreme pain. " Mr. Fesper- 
 man, why don't you have your leg cut off? I am 
 diseased, but to-morrow I shall go to Baltimore, 
 where the doctors don't kill people, and take my 
 case in my own hand and have a critical operation 
 performed even if it kills me." He did as he de- 
 clared he would, and now lies in the grave. Not so 
 with me, no, no, God afflicted me for some great 
 purpose. What He does is right. I have been 
 afflicted eleven years — suffering indescribable misery 
 three years, and when the hand of God is reached 
 out to deliver me from pain or restore my health to 
 me, He will open the way and give me the courage 
 to lie down under the knives of surgeons. 
 
 I shrink and shudder at the surgeon's knife — 
 Each nerve recoiling from the cruel steel, 
 
 Whose edge seems searching for the quivering life ; 
 Yet to my sense the bitter pangs reveal 
 
 That still, although the trembling flesh be torn, 
 This through God's power can be borne. 
 
 Some people have said to me, "If I suffered as 
 you do, I would not hesitate an hour. I would 
 quickly have a physician to remove my limb." Such 
 
 7 
 
98 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 language is rash — I pray that God may direct what 
 is best for me to do in regard to my condition. I shall 
 prayerfully look to Him, trusting that He may 
 direct me. Not that I mean to be stubborn, I am 
 always glad to receive advice from my dear friends. 
 Indeed I often need counsel in regard to temporal 
 and spiritual things. I crave it, and am hearcily 
 grateful for it, but when it comes to a case involving 
 life, this all belongs to God and not to myself or 
 the doctors. We may be instruments, but God is 
 the power. 
 
 "The gifts of birth, death, genius, suffering, 
 Are all for God's hand only to bestow, 
 I receive my portion and am satisfied." 
 
 In the fall of 1890 I was suffering without abate- 
 mentj and I determined to obtain the best surgical 
 advice. Through correspondence I made arrange- 
 ments to have a personal interview with some of the 
 most eminent surgeons in Philadelphia, Pa. Writ- 
 ing an application to the Richmond and Danville 
 railroad, I solicited a pass for myself and wife to 
 travel over their roads to Philadelphia, Pa. I went 
 personally to John W. Webb, Esq., the courteous 
 agent in Salisbury, who received me with Christian 
 kindness, read my application carefully, approved 
 and forwarded it to the officials of the railroad, and 
 in a short time we received a pass to and from Phil- 
 adelphia, Pa. Messrs. Webb, Turk and Taylor, 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 99 
 
 officials of the Kichmond and Danville railroad, have 
 the profound gratitude of my heart for the generous 
 kindness they manifested toward me in my afflic- 
 tion. 
 
 In November, 1890, we again returned to Salis- 
 bury for the purpose of locating our children where 
 in case of sickness they could be near medical aid, 
 and where the pastor of St. John's Lutheran Church 
 could occasionally see that they were well and 
 prospering while we were absent under the care of 
 surgeons. But every time we had necessary arrange- 
 ments for the journey about completed; providential 
 hindrances prevented us from leaving home. This 
 interference with our plans was noticed by our 
 friends, and some of them pleaded with us to 
 abandon the trip. Once when we were on the eve 
 of leaving home for Philadelphia we received a 
 letter informing us that our daughter at Mount 
 Pleasant was very low with typhoid fever, and that 
 it was necessary to come to her immediately. We 
 hastened thither immediately, to find her indeed 
 dangerously ill, and spent three weeks by her bed- 
 side. This severe sickness and other unavoidable 
 things detained us until the limits of our railroad 
 permit expired. We enclosed and returned the pass 
 to the proper authorities, respectfully asking them 
 to extend its limits, and they kindly granted our 
 request. In March, 1891, we committed ourselves, 
 
100 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 our children, and all our interests into the keeping 
 of Jesus Christ, and went to Philadelphia, Pa. 
 Kev. W. M. Baum, D. D., kindly gave me a letter 
 of introduction to the celebrated Dr. Hayes Agnew, 
 and he was the first surgeon I visited. He received 
 me cordially, and after looking at my limb, re. 
 marked, "You must have a very strong mind to 
 endure such a terrible affliction so long and not go 
 insane. Tt is indeed wonderful that you did not 
 lose your sight and mind, and die in less than six 
 weeks after your leg was amputated and fixed up 
 in that manner. It is God's work that you lived 
 thus long. That knot on the stump of your limb 
 is a neuroma, brought on by an injured nerve, and 
 that leg will continue to get worse. Let me give 
 you my advice, cut it off — the sooner the better. 
 You can take ether if skillfully administered. I 
 will perform the operation for you if you go to the 
 Pennsylvania Hospital/' Dr. Agnew stands at the 
 head of his profession in Philadelphia, and like all 
 great men is modest and plain. Dr. Garretson, the 
 next surgeon I met, is a man of fine countenance,, 
 and simple and agreeable manners. When he re- 
 ceived my letter of introduction he immediately 
 walked into the reception room and gave me a very 
 hearty welcome. He examined the limb and said, 
 " dissect the flap, and thus try to save the leg ; and 
 if this will not give relief cut off three or four 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 101 
 
 inches of the bones. " When I left he kindly remark- 
 ed that there would be no pecuniary value attached to 
 any surgical operation he might be able to do 
 for me. Rev. Samuel Laird, D. D., made arrangements 
 for me to see Dr. Henry Beates, a distinguished 
 young surgeon who is a member of St. Mark's 
 Lutheran Church in Philadelphia. Dr. Beates 
 received me with a degree of cordiality that was 
 as grateful to me as it was unexpected. He made 
 me feel at home the moment he had shaken hands 
 with me. 1 found in him a beautiful instance of 
 intelligence, simplicity, generous feeling, and true 
 dignity. He pronounced my amputated limb to be 
 a u piece of miserable surgical ignorance," and said 
 that if it was his leg he would cut it off above the 
 knee as soon as possible, but that it was necessary 
 for me to take medical treatment previous 
 to an operation. Dr. E. Groodman, chief of the 
 faculty of the Orthopedia Hospital, is a large 
 man with fine head, face and mind. He is a mem- 
 ber of the Church of the Holy Communion, a Luth- 
 eran congregation, of which Rev. J. A. Seiss, D. D., 
 is the honored pastor. 
 
 He examined me at his residence and then re- 
 quested me to meet the faculty of the Hospital, 
 which I did next day. Dr. Goodman said to his 
 associates : " I examined that leg at my house last 
 night and have thought much about it. I desire, if 
 
102 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 possible, to keep the knife away from it." Another 
 surgeon quickly responded : " Is the gentleman 
 afflicted with consumption or heart disease?" Dr. 
 Goodman replied : " Well, well, there is evidently 
 something wrong with his chest, and we wish to 
 avoid the knife." A third surgeon immediately iu- 
 quired : " Doctor, what can you substitute for the 
 knife ? " Dr. Goodman answered : " Try electricity, 
 massage, and medical treatment six weeks and if 
 these things do no good, come to us and we will 
 take the dreadful leg off without money and without 
 price. Poor man, how he suffers! Here, nurse 
 put rubbers on his crutches and bring me woolen 
 bandages, that I may dress his leg, and then show 
 him our rooms that he may know what kind of hos- 
 pital we keep. I am sorry he did not come to this 
 place immediately after his arrival in Philadelphia." 
 
 After I looked through the hospital I, too, was 
 sorry, for I found it to be neat and clean, and in 
 every way well arranged. The nurses were intelli- 
 gent and accommodating, and the whole institution 
 bore evidence that it was directed by able and good 
 men. 
 
 When I bade adieu to Dr. Goodman he said : " Try 
 to bear your terrible sufferings without the use of 
 morphine, for it is the very spirit of the evil one. 
 You deserve credit for not using it to alleviate your 
 intense pain." After this interview I met many 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 103 
 
 other prominent surgeons, all of whom pronounced 
 my condition critical and expressed the opinion that 
 it was necessary for me to take medical treatment 
 previous to an operation. 
 
 1 also formed the acquaintance of four Lutheran 
 pastors and two Lutheran ladies while I was in 
 Philadelphia. Rev. W. M. Baum, D. D., Rev. 
 Samuel Laird, D. D., Rev. J. L. Sibole, and Rev. 
 Edward E. Sibole visited me in my room and gave 
 me much important information concerning the hos- 
 pitals and most eminent surgeons in the city. 
 
 By invitation I visited Rev. Dr. B»,um at his 
 home, and he gave me not only a courteous, but 
 very cordial reception ; and the impressions which I 
 had received concerning him were fully justified by 
 his bland and engaging manner, and the elevated 
 tone of his conversation. I should think him rather 
 above the middle size, and in his countenance there 
 was so much of both intelligence and benignity that 
 it was difficult to say which had the preponderance. 
 He was very sociable, and yet his mode of talking 
 was quiet and gentle, and as far removed as possi- 
 ble from anything like pretension. As we talked 
 with him we found that the preacher was gradually 
 giving way to the kind and obliging friend ; and we 
 had scarcely spent half an hour in his company be- 
 fore every idea of the stranger was gone and we felt 
 
104 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 a degree of freedom, mingled with reverence, which 
 might very well have been the growth of years. 
 
 Rev. Samuel Laird, D. D., who visited us several 
 times, is a tall, erect man, with a countenance indica- 
 tive of great vigor of mind and strength of pur- 
 pose, and with manners the most unstudied and 
 familiar. 
 
 Rev. Edward Sibole, who also came to see me, is 
 a fine man, and united in his manner great dignity 
 and seriousness, with simplicity and affability. 
 
 Rev. J. L. Sibole, who visited us more frequently 
 than any other pastor in Philadelphia, is a man of 
 great simplicity of manner, entire freedom in con- 
 versation, excellent judgment and a heart overflow- 
 ing with generous impulses. I was greatly impressed 
 with his simple and cordial manners and felt from 
 the moment he entered my room a conviction that 
 he was indeed a brother in Christ who truly sym- 
 pathized with me in my sore affliction. 
 
 His prayers in my behalf, though simple as the 
 language of childhood, were yet so rich in evangel- 
 ical thought, and withal so beautiful and faultless 
 in expression, that it was difficult for me to believe 
 that the} T had not been elaborated with devout care. 
 These prayers were exceedingly appropriate, and 
 comforting. I look back to my brief association 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 105 
 
 with this devout Christian brother, with grateful and 
 pleasant recollections. 
 
 I had consulted many eminent surgeons and they 
 all decided that my leg would have to be re- 
 amputated, and some of them impressed upon me 
 the great necessity of taking medical treatment 
 prior to such an operation. Bat 1 was not pre- 
 pared to remain in the city six weeks to take the 
 treatment mentioned. Hospitals where the patient 
 will permit his body to become material for the 
 knives of inexperienced young surgeons, or students 
 in surgery, will allow low rates of board to those 
 who enter their walls and accept their treat- 
 ment. I had already acquired sufficient bitter expe- 
 rience to be fully aware of what dreadful suffering 
 surgical knives in the hands of inexperienced men 
 could bring upon mankind, and I was constantly on 
 my guard. There was not a distinguished surgeon 
 in Philadelphia that examined my limb who would 
 have charged me anything for his services, but 
 every one of them preferred to perform the operation 
 in a hospital. Learning that room and board in a 
 well arranged and properly manned hospital would 
 cost myself and wife each from fifteen to twenty 
 dollars per week, and being among; strangers, and 
 not having a sufficient amount of money to remain 
 and take the six weeks' treatment previous to an 
 operation, we decided to return home, where we now 
 
106 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 suffer, pray and await the will of our precious 
 Saviour. We can truly say, God bless the surgeons 
 in Philadelphia, Pa., for they treated us with great 
 delicacy of feeling and kindness of heart. Some of 
 them remarked to me, " The world cannot know 
 your terrible sufferings, but we understand the in- 
 tensity of your pain and we pity you. We cannot 
 relieve you in any way except to remove vour leg, 
 and this kind of operation will greatly endanger 
 your life." Thus situated I do not seek to under- 
 stand the mystery of my trials — 
 
 " But blindfolded and alone I stand, 
 
 With unknown thresholds on each hand ; 
 The darkness deepens as I grope, 
 Afraid to fear, afraid to hope ; 
 Yet this one thing I learn to know 
 
 Each day more surely as 1 go, 
 That doors are open, ways are made, 
 
 Burdens lifted, or are laid, 
 By some great law unseen, and still, 
 Uufathomed purposes fulfill, 
 'Not as I will.' 
 
 Blindfolded and alone 1 wait, 
 
 Loss seems too bitter, gain too late : 
 Too heavy burdens in the load, 
 
 And too few helpers on the road ; 
 And joy is weak and grief is strong, 
 
 And years of bitter pain, so long, so long, 
 Yet this one thing I learned to know, 
 
 Each day more surely as I go, 
 That I am glad the good and ill 
 
 By changeless law are ordered still, 
 ' Not as I will.' 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 107 
 
 " Not as I will ! " the sound grows sweet 
 Each time my lips the words repeat ; 
 ' Not as I will,' the darkness feels 
 
 More safe than light when this thought steals 
 Like whispered voice to calm and bless 
 All unrest and all loneliness, 
 'Not as I will,' because the One 
 
 Who loved me first and best is gone 
 Before me on the road, and still 
 For me must all Bis love fufill ! 
 ' Not as 1 will.' " 
 
 I had gone to Baltimore, Md., Richmond, Va. r 
 Phildelphia, Pa., where I had consulted the most 
 eminent surgeons in the United States without ob- 
 taing any relief, and it was quite natural for me to 
 return home under a great weight of disappoint- 
 ment and sorrow, but no grief is so crushing and 
 hopeless that happiness may not again visit the 
 heart where trust and love abide. I was greatly 
 disappointed because I had not realized any benefit 
 — my trips had been fruitless, — but I remembered 
 these men who went stumbling along the road to 
 Emmaus, weeping and mourning that their Christ 
 was gone, poured into His very ear the tale of their be- 
 reavement. They told him of their trouble, that they 
 had lost Christ ; and there He was talking to them. 
 In the midst of their deep grief was their victory, 
 and they did not know it. Everything seemed to 
 cut off all prospect of relief for me, but trusting th e 
 divine promise, " I will never leave thee, nor forsake 
 
108 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 thee," I made the name of Jesus Christ, the an- 
 swer to all my doubts, the spring of all my courage, 
 the earnest of ail my hopes, the charm omnipotent 
 against all my disappointments, the remedy for all 
 my sickness, the supply for all my wants, and full- 
 ness for all my desires, 
 
 " My hope is built on nothing less 
 Than Jesus' blood and righteousness, 
 I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 
 But wholly lean on Jesus' name ; 
 On Christ the solid rock I stand ; 
 All other ground is sinking sand." 
 
 Being once more in the midst of my family and 
 friends, and suffering increased pain, I fully resolv- 
 ed that after the meeting of the North Carolina 
 Synod, when Pastor King and other brethren could 
 be with me, I would run all risks and have my 
 limb re-amputated. While I was waiting, a boy in 
 the town had his leg successfully amputated and the 
 time consumed in the operation caused me to de- 
 cide not to have anything done to my limb until I 
 could no longer bear my pain. I knew that if the 
 surgeons North were correct, I could not lie an hour 
 or more under the influence of chloroform and sur- 
 vive its effects. It affords me pleasure to state that 
 while I lived in Salisbury, Kev. Charles B. King 
 and wife, Keissner Brothers, William Smithdeal 
 and Mr. and Mrs. Seyffert showed me Christian 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 109 
 
 kindness. Miss Katie and Mr. George Seyffert, 
 two excellent young people, members of the Luther- 
 an church in Salisbury, did much to encourage me. 
 In June, 1891, 1 returned to my home in Iredell 
 county, where I spent the summer in perpetual 
 torture. My nights have been fruitful sources of 
 imaginations. For nearly three years my sleep has 
 been nothing but a series of "cat-naps." During 
 my wakeful hours I pray, and listen to the clock as 
 it ticks time away. 1 think of hospitals, surgeons 
 and their knives, and speculate and wonder how I 
 would feel if I were free from the pain that comes to 
 me with each heart throb of my suffering life. My 
 memory recalls the time when I did not know this 
 awful misery — the time when I went out to visit 
 and comfort the sick, and to preach Christ to perish- 
 ing sinners, and I look forward to the future without 
 prospect of relief. I remember the pleasures and 
 sorrows I have experienced, the smiling faces I have 
 seen, the incidents that have fallen here and there 
 along my life, like sunlight through a prison ; the 
 books that I have read, the places I have visited, 
 the persons I have met, the friendships I have 
 formed, the lands that I have seen, the hearts that I 
 have gladdened, or that have gladdened mine. I 
 recall the old fireside and the faces that used to be 
 there, the times when I have knelt at my mother's 
 loom and prayed for her life, or sat down at the table 
 
HO THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 when the children were children still, when as yet 
 there was no new-made grave in the church-yard. 
 I count the many faces 1 have seen in sorrow ; the 
 eyes in tears, the broken ties I have known, the 
 dear ones in mourning and the number of graves 
 along the pathway of my life. I think of my youth- 
 ful days, when I lay with a broken leg and gave my 
 heart to the Saviour, and afterwards came forward to 
 the Lord's table for the first time. I remember how 
 I watched and prayed by the bedside of a dying 
 child — how he said " I will meet you on the shores of 
 the mystic Jordan," — how with slow movement I 
 wended my way to that sacred spot where the rich 
 and the poor meet together— -how with utterances 
 of grief that no earthly power could suppress, I 
 witnessed the burial of my first-born son and how I 
 rode home with a broken heart. As in pain, I re- 
 call these things, I do not forget that years have 
 rolled away and that I am fast stepping toward the 
 sunset of my life. Life has been to mo a vale of 
 suffering and tears, but I have the great Comforter 
 near. I cannot sink to rest like the valiant prophet 
 of old, with my eyes undimmed and my natural 
 force unabated ; neither can I be like Caleb, as strong 
 at fifty-two as at forty. I am approaching the gates 
 of silence like Jacob, leaning on my staff. But 
 like David I sing in my confidence, " And now, 
 Lord, what wait I for, my hope is fixed in Thee." 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. J 1 1 
 
 I am liable at any moment to sadden and violent 
 attacks of other maladies than the diseased nerve 
 
 whose constant grip holds me in perpetual pain 
 
 sinews, joints, muscles, heart, lungs and stomach are 
 more or less involved. My lungs hurt me,and when 
 my heart throbs hard and fast there is thundering 
 in my ears like the beating of a distant drum; but 
 nothing gives me so much agony as the stump of 
 my amputated leg. The very flesh seems to be 
 tearing itself away from the ends of the bones, and I 
 cannot conquer or even alleviate the pain. There 
 is a constant burning cramp around the end of the 
 severed bones which makes my life wretched beyond 
 all description. Occasionally, some strong and 
 hearty, but thoughtless man looks on and will say, 
 when lam writhing in extreme pain, " Don't think 
 about your pain." What would have been the feel- 
 ings of the sufferers in a recent railroad wreck, if some 
 stout, thoughtless man had stood on the bank of the 
 creek, looking at the piled- up cars, mingling water 
 and blood, and listening to the groans of the dying 
 and cries of the living, and at the same time had 
 said, "This is nothing but a wreck, you have only 
 fallen ninety feet, do not think about your con- 
 dition ! When you feel the flames do not think 
 about your pains." I have only had one or two such 
 comforters, but their advice, kindly meant and 
 injudiciously expressed, did not overthrow my 
 
112 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 spiritual equilibrium. One of the good effects of 
 affliction is that through its mellowing influences 
 our hearts go out in a more tender sympathy towards 
 others who suffer, and perhaps sweet flowers of pity 
 and compassion will spring up in the wet furrows 
 which never bloomed there before. The well and 
 prosperous scarcely know how to sympathize with 
 the afflicted and unfortunate. It is just those who 
 have passed through some crushing trial and re- 
 ceived a baptism of suffering who are the first to 
 sympathize with others who pass under the rod. 
 " One tear of sympathy makes the whole world 
 kin." Until men's own hearts are touched with sor- 
 row, they often fail to give to others that beautiful 
 and tender sympathy which falls upon the stricken 
 heart like the refreshing dews upon earth, when 
 parched and blasted with summer drouth. I once 
 heard a useful pastor say, " I have read the burial 
 service over many dead children and returned from 
 the church yard not thinking any more about what 
 I had been engaged in, but after I followed one of 
 my own children to the grave, I was able to sym- 
 pathize with other bereaved parents. When I was 
 well and.strong I frequently visited sick parishioners 
 without entering into full sympathy with them, but, 
 Brother Fesperman, since the hand of affliction dis- 
 abled me, two years ago, my sympathies have been 
 aroused for other sufferers." The brother who re- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 213 
 
 lated this experience to me was a faithful Christian 
 minister, but had always been a hearty man and 
 until stricken down with disease was not able 
 to realize what a thorny road the afflicted have to 
 tread. " It was necessary for some of the trials of 
 life to act upon this dear brother's Christian graces 
 and cause them to send out their fragrance for the 
 refreshment of others," 
 
 " The good are better made by ill — 
 
 As odors crushed are sweeter still. 
 
 Affliction is the Christian man's shining scene ; 
 
 Health and prosperity conceal his brightest ray ; 
 
 As night to stars, misery lustre gives to man.'' 
 
 I never knew the time when my heart did not 
 reach in tender pity and compassion after suffering 
 humanity, and now in my varied and severe afflic- 
 tions, I have the comfort of knowing that I enjoy 
 the sympathy of men and women, and more espec- 
 ially of children. I often share the simple and free, 
 tender and reverent sympathies of children. They 
 watch my face and movements as I hop on my 
 crutches, and I have overheard them say, lC I wish I 
 could give him back his foot and make him well 
 and happy again.'' Out of the mouths of children, 
 the loving and the pure in heart, God has given me 
 strength and comfort. To be great in God's king- 
 dom is to be a little child in the sympathy of faitli 
 and the purity of love. Among the happy experi- 
 8 
 
114 ' THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 ences of ray suffering life are the friendships I have 
 formed. God who lives and reigns not only here, 
 but also where the compass of design has yet to cir- 
 cumscribe the paths of new created worlds, and the 
 strong pinioned seraph, moving rapid as the light 
 can never, never reach, has cemented and made 
 stronger the friendship of my brethren in North 
 Carolina, and caused friends, whose faces I have 
 never seen, by letters, by messages, by contributions, 
 and by books, to knock at my door and enter in 
 thus bringing joy and comfort to my troubled 
 heart 
 
 " I have some treasured letters, 
 
 Fragments of the sympathies of other's lives — 
 Precious relics, of friends not yet departed, 
 
 Friends whose memory still survives. 
 Touched by neither time nor distance, 
 
 Will their words unspoken last; 
 Voiceless whispers of the present, 
 
 Silent echos of the past. 
 Such a little thing — a letter, 
 
 Yet so much it may contain ; 
 Written thoughts and mute expressions, 
 
 Full of pleasure, and sometimes fraught with pain." 
 
 I read and re-read these precious letters which 
 conveyed to me the Christian sympathies, kind 
 greetings, best wishes and loving prayers of my 
 brethren and friends, and it gives me renewed energy 
 to pray on and be patient in my sufferings. 
 
 During the spring and summer of the year 1891, 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 115 
 
 Rev. George A. Cox and Rev. Chas. B. King, 
 President and Secretary of the North Carolina 
 Synod, laid me under obligations by assisting me in 
 an official capacity. Mr. William Pore and his now 
 sainted wife deserve my deep gratitude for special 
 kindness manifested toward me and a dear member 
 of my family. The Rinker sisters, Hon. J. A. 
 Gaisenhainer, James Fellows, Esq., Rev. Dr. Bel- 
 four, Rev. J. P. Krecliting, Rev. Jeremiah Zim- 
 merman, Mrs. Lizzie Funk, friends in Erie, through 
 
 F. H. Schutte, Esq., Rev. Theo. B. Roth and Rev. 
 
 G. W. Critchlow have helped and strengthened us. 
 We have received from them words of affection, of 
 guidance, of comfort, which have been, as water in 
 the desert, more precious than gold. There is a 
 hallowed character in this friendship which gives it 
 a warmth and sacredness unknown to the world. 
 It is the cherished enjoyment of Christian friend- 
 ship that fills my breast with some of its most 
 delightful emotions. Next to the love of Christ, 
 how sweet to love His disciples, to mingle our sym- 
 pathies with theirs, to interchange evidences of 
 affeqtion, to repose in each other's faithful counsels, 
 and to pray for spiritual blessings on each other's 
 behalf. In the friendship and sympathy of my 
 fellow men I plainly see the footsteps of that great 
 God who is indeed the only Restorer of the hopes 
 and Delivererof the souls of men, who has promised 
 
116 THE LIFE OF A 3UFFERER. 
 
 to hear the prayers of flis suffering people, and 
 whose omnipotence marshals suns and systems 
 without name or number, rilling with life and gild- 
 ing with light myriads of worlds untraveled by the 
 wing of seraph, unvisited by the thought of man. 
 I verily believe that Almighty God has manifested 
 special providential care for me through the instru- 
 mentality of my Christian friends who have pro- 
 vided for my bodily needs. And I must sincerely 
 pray that as they remembered, cheered and assisted 
 me in my continued, desperate personal and family 
 afflictions, even so may our dear Lord Jesus Christ, 
 who holds the stars in His right hand, listens to the 
 cry of the outcast raven, eyes the sparrow's fall, 
 numbers the hairs on our heads, and gives even to 
 the thirsty worm its dew drop, remember, cheer and 
 fill their hearts with great peace and joy when they 
 lie on their death beds, and then receive them amid 
 the rejoicings of the harvest of the souls of His happy 
 children. 
 
 "Blest are the men whose feelings move 
 
 And meet with generous sympathy and love ; 
 From Christ the Lord shall they obtain 
 Like sympathy and love." 
 
 I doubt whether there is another case of domestic 
 affliction and extreme personal suffering similar to 
 mine in the United States. One of the surgeon's in 
 Baltimore, Md., after obtaining my permission for 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. H7 
 
 two young physicians to be called into the room to 
 see me, said : " Gentlemen, 1 know you never looked 
 at a leg resembling this, and I doubt whether you 
 ever see another like it. It is wholly out of the 
 line of all surgical operations, and will never get 
 well. It will get worse and worse, and a very unt 
 happy feature in this truly unfortunate case is tha- 
 the gentleman is hedged in by other diseases, cutting 
 him off from enduring another operation." A few 
 doctors in the common walks of life are reluctant to 
 express their opinion concerning the operation per- 
 formed on my limb^but the eminent surgeons North 
 and South who have examined me immediately di- 
 vulge the secret of my terrible and prolonged suffer- 
 ings. They also tell me that the "heroic effort of 
 trying to secure relief through re-amputation would 
 in all probability at once prove fatal to my life." 
 Such information imparted by men distinguished in 
 their professions is well calculated to make my heart 
 ache, but I still trust God. My present condition is 
 calculated to discourage me, but there is a peace 
 born of struggle, a victory secured by defeat. As 
 day by day I hop on my crutches, carrying my pain- 
 ful limb in a scarf of cloth suspended round my 
 neck, looking out upon the world, in which I shall 
 never take an active part again, I feel this compen- 
 sation, that a spark of the eternal world dwells in my 
 feeble frame. Whatsoever befalls the hairs that get 
 
118 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 gray and thin, the withered leg that pains me day 
 and night, the wrinkled hands and the heart that is 
 worn out by much beating, and the blood that clogs 
 and clots at last, and the eyes that are now fast fail- 
 ing, and all the corruptible frame, yet I shall not all 
 die, but deep within this crumbling transient house 
 of clay that must tall and 4 be resolved into the ele- 
 ments out of which it came, there dwells the im- 
 mortal guest, an ember of eternity, which the ignor- 
 ance of men can not destrov. 
 
 " The leaves of the oak and the willows shall fade, 
 Be scattered around and together be laid ; 
 And the young and the old, and the low and the high 
 Shall moulder to dust and together shall lie." 
 The hand of the king that the sceptre hath borne, 
 The brow of the priest that the mitre hath worn, 
 The eye of the sage and the heart of the brave 
 Are hidden, not lost, in the depths of the grave, 
 For God has set eternity in the hearts of men. 
 
 My soul as well as my body has a history. The 
 spark of eternity within me is by far the most im- 
 portant part of my existence. I have two lives — 
 the outer life of sense and suffering — the inner, 
 hidden life and story of my soul. Beneath the 
 vicissitudes and fluctuations of this crippled body 
 a deep current runs. My visible and frail material 
 life is but the scaffolding under which the eternal 
 life is rearing. The world, that notes the outward 
 events and incidents of my unfortunate life, discerns* 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 119 
 
 after all, bat a part, and that the most insignificant 
 part of the history of my being. I might narrate 
 l he story of my past life and describe with all min- 
 uteness in what spot I was born, in what places and 
 houses I dwelt, what position in society I occupied, 
 what profession I followed, what money I gained or 
 lost, through what external changes of health and 
 sickness, prosperity and adversity, I passed : however 
 interesting or uninteresting it might be tocontem 
 plate the strangely diversified allotments of my being, 
 yet after all, in narrating them, they would leave still 
 untouched the half, and by far the more important 
 half of my real life. There has been from the dawn 
 of my existence a mental as well as a material his- 
 tory — a life of the soul, a course of inward progress, 
 a series of changes in the character of that mysteri- 
 ous dweller within my breast more worthy to be 
 chronicled, fraught with interest deeper, more 
 momentous far than the misfortunes and vicissitudes 
 of my outward career. However stirring may be 
 the narrative of my outward experience with heart 
 disease and consumption, broken and amputated 
 legs, crippled children and injured nerves, consulta- 
 tions with surgeons and ever-present pain, there is, 
 to myself, a deeper pathos, a more awful and ab- 
 sorbing interest in the history of the struggles of 
 my soul. My poor physical life has been tossed 
 about, as by some great battle weapon wielded by 
 
120 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 giant powers in mockery, but in this better part of 
 my existence — this little world in my bosom, there 
 is a seed of eternity which rises up through ignor- 
 ance, animalism, clay, up through fear, failure, blind- 
 ness, up through bereavement, double affliction, 
 constant pain, sorrow and sin, up toward light and 
 liberty, bearing in itself the germ of heaven, quick- 
 ened by the Eternal Spirit and attracted by the 
 ever-living Son of God who causes all hindrances, to 
 become helps and all defeats victories. 
 
 " Oh happy soul that lives on high 
 
 While men lie groveliDg here, 
 His hopes are fixed above the sky 
 
 And faith forbids his fear. 
 His conscience knows no secret sting?, 
 
 While grace and joy combine 
 To form a life, whose holy spring* 
 
 Are hidden and divine." 
 
 During twelve years my life has been one of con- 
 stant suffering caused by various maladies, but with 
 all its sorrows and pains, its fightings and fears, its 
 tribulations in the world, its severe chastenings from 
 a Father's hand, it has been the life of a believer in 
 the Lord Jesus Christ. 
 
 I can reach no higher than the Son of God, 
 The perfect Head and Pattern of mankind, 
 " Perfect through suffering," my salvation's seal 
 Set in front of His humanity. 
 
 Every pure thought that rises in my breast is 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 121 
 
 Christ's suggestion : every holy desire and resolu- 
 tion, the proof that He is at hand ; every kindling 
 of the spirit into devotion, the unconscious recogni- 
 tion by the spirit of His heavenly presence near. 
 His presence and love cheer me in langour, sustain 
 me in weariness, soothe me in sorrow and nerve me 
 to endure constant pain without murmuring. 
 Whether sleeping or waking, by night and by day, 
 pain is ever-present with me. I enter the house of 
 God suffering pain, I hear the singing, prayers, and 
 preaching under the influence of pain, and in pain 
 remember what I once was— an active minister of 
 Jesus Christ— what I am now— a suffering believer 
 in Christ— and what I shall hope to be in the world 
 to come— a happy soul saved by the precious blood 
 of the Lord Jesus Christ. 
 
 " My pleasures rise from things unseen, 
 
 Beyond this world and time, 
 
 Where neither eyes nor ears have been, 
 
 Nor thoughts of mortals climb. ;? 
 " My hopes are fixed on joys to come; 
 
 Those blissful scenes on high 
 
 Shall flourish in immortal bloom, 
 
 When time, and pain, and nature die. 
 
 I look to heaven's eternal hill, 
 
 To meet that glorious day 
 
 When Christ His promise shall fullnll, 
 
 And call my soul away.'* 
 
 This is the 25th day of December, 1891. On 
 this day nearly nineteen hundred years ago Christ 
 
122 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 became one by nature and law with man. Hence 
 the lights and shadows of His wonderful history as 
 Son of man — God of seraphim, made flesh and 
 dwelling among men. To do this His eternity was 
 invested with time. His Omnipotence put on 
 frailty. His immensity was subjected to limitation. 
 The Ever-living began to be,and theSource of knowl- 
 edge learned wisdom. He was found in the rea^ 
 form and structure of a human being, " born of a 
 woman and made under the law," and, in laying 
 aside the grandeur and magnificence of His past 
 eternity, in becoming man, He incurred, for the 
 time, substantial misery and degradation. He who 
 had strewn the path of eternity with the wonders of 
 Omnipotence, and lighted up the mansions of in- 
 finity with the emanations of His bounty, became 
 a houseless wanderer in a world of poverty and woe ! 
 He who was infinite, unmeasured and unapproached 
 in all His perfections, circumscribed the infinitude 
 of His being to the dimensions of a child. He who 
 had paved the heavens with the blue sky and strewn 
 the earth with flowers — had given to the one its 
 magnificent jewelry and robed the other in vernal 
 loveliness — had not in His humilation where to lay 
 His head. " A body hast thou prepared me," says 
 our Almighty surety, and millions of immortals 
 have hailed, in this single sentence, the kind rever- 
 sal of their doom. The nativity of Christ is preemi- 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 123 
 
 nently the display of God's mercy to man. It was a 
 dispensation of kindness meeting us when most we 
 needed aid, and meeting us with the very kindness, 
 which most of all, we needed. And here and thus 
 we have the great and only law of man's return to 
 God. The nativity of Christ, — this God with men, 
 should be the mainspring of every person's happy 
 Christmas. 
 
 As I sit here in pain, without a single token of 
 sympathy from the human race, I am profoundly 
 grateful to God. for my precious Saviour. That 
 Christ came to save me, reconciles me to the numer- 
 ous and depressing afflictions of my life. Amid 
 them all, my world is strictly within myself, and its 
 openings look out on immortality. Amid the vexa- 
 tions and disquieting scenes of my earthly suffering, 
 I forget not the song of my pilgrimage, " I live, yet 
 not I, but Christ liveth in me." This thought 
 illumes the darkness without and hallows all within. 
 
 " Shut in, shut in from the ceaseless din 
 Of the restless world, and its want and sin ; 
 Shut in from its turmoil, care and strife, 
 And all the wearisome round of life. 
 Shut in with tears that are spent in vain, 
 With the dreadful companionship of pain ; 
 Shut in with the changeless days and hours, 
 And the bitter knowledge of failing powers. 
 Shut in with dreams of the days gone by, 
 With buried joys that were born to die ; 
 Shut in with hopes that have lost their zest, 
 And leave but a longing after rest. 
 
124 THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 
 
 Shut in with a trio of angels sweet, 
 Patience and grace all pain to meet, 
 With faith that can suffer, and stand, and wait, 
 And lean on the promises strong and great. 
 
 Shut in with Christ ! wonderful thought ! 
 Shut in with the peace His sufferings brought ; 
 Shut in with the love that wields the rod ; 
 company blest ! shut in with God." 
 
 I have written this short history of my affliction 
 in a perfect agony of pain, but with triumphant 
 faith in my Saviour. He wills that I should weep 
 and continue to endure constant suffering, but my 
 tears shall be like David's who at the lowest point 
 of his fortune plaintively besought God, " Put Thou 
 my tears into Thy bottle," and with the same breath 
 exclaimed, "I will render praises unto Thee." I 
 have had bitterness and trials in abundance, and 
 many hours of sadness, and many hard struggles. 
 But high above these mists and clouds of wailing 
 and grief rises the hope that seeks the skies, and 
 deep beneath all the surface agitations of storms and 
 currents there is the unmoved stillness of the cen- 
 tral ocean of peace in my heart. Taking Christ for 
 my Saviour and friend, my guide and support 
 through time, and Himself, my eternity of joy, all 
 discords are reconciled — and "all things are mine," 
 whether the world, or life, or death, or things pres- 
 ent, or things to come ; all are mine, and I am 
 •Christ's and Christ is God's. 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 125' 
 
 " let the world go on and sing 
 Her battle hymns, her victor's crown ; 
 I throw no knightly gauntlet down, 
 Nor join her gay processioning, 
 Nor court her smile, nor fear her frown ; 
 But close to my Saviour's bosom cling." 
 
 It is now January the 17th 1892, and my suffer- 
 ings have become so intense that I must soon have 
 my limb re-amputated or expire with it on me. 
 My friends have requested me to try to endure 
 my sufferings until I record the story of my life — 
 which is now almost completed. The climax of 
 fearful exhaustion and of dreadful pain I feel to be 
 close at hand. 
 
 I know that re-amputation is the only remedy in 
 my case, and that it cannot be avoided much longer, 
 but in regard to the result of such an operation the 
 extent of any foresight does not reach beyond prob- 
 ability and amounts to nothing. God in His 
 wisdom saw it not best that I should have the means 
 of anticipating exactly what will happen to me 
 when my leg is taken off the second time. " The 
 hand that beckons us to glory waves us out of im- 
 penetrable clouds. We walk in a way we know 
 not. We labor for our Master, but never know be- 
 fore-hand which shall prosper, this or that. We 
 lay wise plans, and they miscarry. We commit gross- 
 blunders, and they are overruled for good. We 
 run toward the light, and it goes out in darkness. 
 
126 THE LIFE 0F A SUFFERER. 
 
 we stand shivering in the darkness and 
 it turns to light. We pray for joys, and they 
 mildew into griefs. We accept the griefs, and they 
 blossom into joys. To-day the apple turns to ashes, 
 and tomorrow the stones to bread. We exult in 
 some prosperity, and get leanness from it. 
 We murmur at some adversity, and find it big with 
 blessings. We run toward open doors, and dash 
 our head against a granite wall. We move against 
 the wall at the call of duty, and it opens to let us 
 through. The lines of our lives are all in God's 
 hands. What shall befall us, we cannot know. 
 What is expedient we cannot tell. Only this we 
 know, that God would shape us to himself, whether 
 it be by the discipline of joy, or the discipline of 
 sorrow." Many efficient surgeons have told me 
 that my prospects of surviving an operation are ex- 
 ceedingly limited because I am hedged in on every 
 side by serious and complicated disease. Thus situ- 
 ated, I can only trust God and pray. 
 
 " Oh, Father take me by the hand, 
 The way is long and I am weak, 
 It would be vain to strive with feeble sense 
 To pierce the gloom that clouds my path, 
 The darkness grows more intense, 
 I grope along the narrow way, 
 Which leads up to the mountain's height, 
 'Tis dark !' I cannot walk by sight, 
 Oh, Father, take me by the hand. 
 
THE LIFE OF A SUFFERER. 127 
 
 Oh, Father, take me by the hand, 
 And lead me all the weary way ; 
 Oh let Thy presence like a wall, 
 Surround and keep me, day by day, 
 Until I tread with blood washed feet, 
 The golden avenues of Light 
 And in-exchange for feeble faith, 
 Receive the glorious gift of sight." 
 
 Bidding adieu to the readers of the story of my 
 suffering life, and committing myself, and family 
 and friends, into the tender care of my precious 
 Saviour, and making the guardianship of His 
 presence, the watchfulness of His unslumbering eye, 
 the source of my only hope here, and in the world 
 to come. 
 
 I remain, in resignation, peace and faith, 
 
 Joseph Hamilton Fesperman. 
 
 Barium Springs, Iredell County, N. C. 
 
FOR USE ONLY IN 
 THE NORTH CAROLINA COLLECTION 
 
 No. A-368