JOKES for ALL OCCASIONS

 
  

 
   JOKES
FOR ALL OCCASIONS
   

 

JOKES

FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE
OF AMERICA’S FOREMOST
PUBLIC SPEAKERS

 

NEW YORK
EDWARD J. CLODE

 

 
 CoPYBIGHT, 1921, 1922, By

EDWABD J. CLODE

Printed in the United States of America

4 BERT B. ALKEK LIBRARY |
TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY-SAN MARCOS
SAN MARCOS, TEXAS 78666-4604
 JOKES
FOR ALL OCCASIONS
  PREFACE

The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers
themselves. It is impossible to lay down precise rules
by which any one may perfect himself in the art, but it
is possible to offer suggestions by which to guide practise
in narration toward a gratifying success.

Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of tell-
ing a story. One uses the extreme of brevity, and makes
its chief reliance on the point. The other devotes itself
in great part to preliminary elaboration in the narrative,
making this as amusing as possible, so that the point
itself serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of
an anecdote the tyro would be well advised to follow the
first method. That is, he should put his reliance on the
point of the story, and on this alone. He should scrupu-
lously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely
essential to clear understanding of the point. He should
make a careful examination of the story with two objects
in mind: the first, to determine just what is required in
the way of explanation; the second, an exact understand-
ing of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the re-
lating of the story, he must simply give the information
required by the hearers in order to appreciate the point.
As to the point itself, he must guard against any care-
lessness. Omission of an essential detail is fatal. It
may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the con-
clusion of the story. No matter how falteringly the
story is told, it will succeed if the point itself be made
clear, and this is insured for even the most embarrassed
speaker by memorizing it.
 8 PREFACE

The art of making the whole narration entertaining
and amusing is to be attained only by intelligent prac-
tise. It is commonly believed that story-tellers are
born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the skilled
raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact
that they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore,
recommended to any one having ambition in this direc-
tion that he cultivate his ability by exercising it. He
should practise short and simple stories according to his
opportunities, with the object of making the narration
smooth and easy. An audience of one or two familiar
friends is sufficient in the earlier efforts. Afterward, the
practise may be extended before a larger number of
listeners on social occasions. When facility has been
attained in the simplest form, attempts to extend the
preliminary narrative should be made. The prepara-
tion should include an effort to invest the characters of
the story, or its setting, with qualities amusing in them-
selves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Pre-
cise instruction cannot be given, but concentration along
this line will of itself develop the humorous perception
of the story-teller, so that, though the task may appear
too difficult in prospect, it will not prove so in actual
experience. But, in every instance, care must be exer-
cised to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and
to omit nothing essential in the preparation for it.

In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part
of wisdom to choose the old, rather than the new. This
is because the new story, so called, travels with frightful
velocity under modern social conditions, and, in any
particular ease, the latest story, when told by you to 2
friend, has just been heard by him from some other vic-
 PREFACE 9

tim of it. But the memory of most persons for stories
is very short. Practically never does it last for years.
So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties at the
present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the
exercise of some slight degree of ingenuity will serve
to give those touches in the way of change by which the
story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by such
adaptation, the story is made really one’s own as the
professional humorists thankfully admit!
 INTRODUCTION

Wit and humor, and the distinction between them,
defy precise definition. Luckily, they need none. To
one asking what is beauty, a wit replied: “That is the
question of a blind man.” Similarly, none requires a
definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking
in all appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no
amount of explanation will avail to give him under-
standing. Borrow, in one of his sermons, declared con-
cerning wit: “It is, indeed, a thing so versatile, multi-
form, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so vari-
ously apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that
it seemeth no less hard to settle a clear and certain
notion thereof than to make a portrait of Proteus, or to
define the figure of the fleeting wind.” Nor is it fitting
to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor,
which are essentially two aspects of one thing. It is
enough to realize that humor is the product of nature
rather than of art, while wit is the expression of an in-
tellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, pro-
duces smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may
not, according to the circumstances, but it always pro-
vokes an intellectual appreciation. Thus, Nero made a
pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was
brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree
that the old man should kill himself, the emperor used
merely the two Latin words: ‘Se neca.”’ We admit the
ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not chuckle
over it.

The element of surprise is common to both wit and

10
 INTRODUCTION 11

humor, and it is often a sufficient cause for laughter in
itself, irrespective of any essentially amusing quality in
the cause of the surprise. The unfamiliar, for this
reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive peoples.
An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the
world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told
of a Mikado that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a
fit of merriment induced by hearing that the American
people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the average
person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an out-
landish costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress
may be in every respect superior to his own. Simply, its
oddity somehow tickles the risibilities. Such surprise is
occasioned by contrasting circumstances. When a pom-
pous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps
on a banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with
extreme violence, we laugh before asking if he broke a
leg. |

The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same
throughout all the various tribes of earth, throughout all
the various ages of history. The causes of amusement are
essentially the same everywhere and always, and only
the setting changes according to time and place. But
racial characteristics establish preferences for certain
aspects of fun-making, and such preferences serve to
some extent in differentiating the written humor of the
world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it
is a fact that the really amusing story has an almost
universal appeal. I have seen in an American country
newspaper a town correspondent’s humorous effort in
which he gave Si Perkins’s explanation of being in jail.
And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese
 12 INTRODUCTION

story ages and ages old. The local correspondent did
not plagiarize from the Chinaman: merely, the humorous
bent of the two was identical. In the ancient Oriental
tale, a man who wore the thief’s collar as a punishment
was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause
of his plight.

“Why, it was just nothing at all,” the convict ex-
plained easily. “I was strolling along the edge of the
canal, when I happened to catch sight of a bit of old
rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of
no use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took
it home with me.”

“But I don’t understand,” the acquaintance exclaimed.
“Why should they punish you so severely for a little
thing like that? I don’t understand it.”

“I don’t understand it, either,’ the convict declared,
“unless, maybe, it was because there was an ox at the
other end of the rope.”

The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in
Greek literature, where is to be found many a joke at
which we are laughing to-day, as others have laughed
through the centuries. Half a thousand years before the
Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by
name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume
under the title, ““Asteia.”” Some of them are still current
with us as typical Irish bulls. Among these were ac-
counts of the “Safety-first’’ enthusiast who determined
never to enter the water until he had learned to swim;
of the horse-owner, training his nag to live without eat-
ing, who was successful in reducing the feed to a straw a
day, and was about to cut this off when the animal spoiled
the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who posed be-
 INTRODUCTION 13

fore a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he
looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a
crow captive in order to test for himself whether it
would live two centuries; of the man who demanded to
know from an acquaintance met in the street whether it
was he or his twin brother who had just been buried.
Another Greek jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout
the world at large, and will doubtless survive even pro-
hibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when he was
asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply
was: “That of other people.”

Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contempo-
rary stories of our own in the collection over which
generations of Turks have laughed, the tales of Nasir
Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that
Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a
moralizing quality. When a man came to Nasir Eddin
for the loan of a rope, the request was refused with the
excuse that Nasir’s only piece had been used to tie up
flour. “But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope,”
was the protest. Nasir Eddin answered: “I can tie
up anything with a rope when I do not wish to lend it.”

When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir
replied that he had already loaned the animal. There-
upon, the honest creature brayed from the stable. “But
the ass is there,” the visitor cried indignantly. “I hear
it!’ Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: ‘What! Would
you take the word of an ass instead of mine?”

In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we
should pay tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cer-
vantes, for Don Quizote is a mine of drollery. But the
bulk of the humor among all the Latin races is of a
 14 INTRODUCTION

sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve.
On the other hand, German humor often displays a
characteristic spirit of investigation. Thus, the little
boy watching the pupils of a girls’ school promenading
two by two, graded according to age, with the youngest
first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: “Mama,
why is it that the girls’ legs grow shorter as they
grow older?” In the way of wit, an excellent illustra-
tion is afforded by Heine, who on receiving a book from
its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: “I
shall lose no time in reading it.”

The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and
the humor is usually kindly, though the shafts of wit
are often barbed. I remember a humorous picture of a
big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny
canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: “That’s it!
Just as I was about, with the velvety tones of my in-
strument, to imitate the twittering of little birds in the
forest, you have to interrupt with your infernal din!”
The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated plente-
ously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his
utterance: “Nothing is so disagreeable as to be ob-
scurely hanged.”” He it was, too, who sneered at Eng-
land for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To
an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet
Habakkuk, he retorted contemptuously: “A person with
a name like that is capable of saying anything.”

But French wit is by no means always of the cutting
sort. Its more amiable aspect is shown by the declara-
tion of Brillat Savarin to the effect that a dinner with-
out cheese is like a beautiful woman with only one eye.
Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as
 INTRODUCTION 15

when a courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: “I
found him sitting all around the table by himself.” And
there is a ridiculous story of the impecunious and notori-
ous Marquis de Faviéres who visited a Parisian named
Barnard, and announced himself as follows:

“Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am
the Marquis de Faviéres. I do not know you, but I
come to you to borrow five-hundred luis.

Barnard answered with equal explicitness:

“Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I
know you, and I am going to lend them to you.”

The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which
is often characteristic of French tales, is capitally dis-
played in the following:

The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and pres-
ently fell into a trance, which deceived even the physi-
cian, so that she was pronounced dead, and duly pre-
pared for burial. Following the local usage, the body
was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place
on the shoulders of four men chosen from the neighbor-
hood. The procession followed a narrow path leading
across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a thorn
tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through
the sheet and lacerated the woman’s flesh. The blood
flowed from the wound, and she suddenly aroused to
consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the good
wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion,
the ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers
of the body approached the turn of the path, the hus-
band called to them:

“Look out for the thorn tree, friends!”

The written humor of the Dutch does not usually
 16 INTRODUCTION

make a very strong appeal to us. They are inclined to
be ponderous even in their play, and lack in great
measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety
in fun-making. History records a controversy between
Holland and Zealand, which was argued pro and con
during a period of years with great earnestness. The
subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen
was: “Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook
take the cod?”

Because British wit and humor often present them-
selves under aspects somewhat different from those pre-
ferred by us, we belittle their efforts unjustly. As a
matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction
are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover,
in the British colonies is to be found a spirit of humor
that exactly parallels our own in many distinctive fea-
tures. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might just
as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl,
recently imported, who visited her clergyman and in-
quired his fee for marrying. He informed her that his
charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl visited
the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed
him two dollars, with the crisp direction, “Go ahead and
marry me.”

“Where is the bridegroom?” the clergyman asked.

“What!” exclaimed the girl, dismayed. ‘Don’t you
furnish him for the two dollars?”

It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable
to the British taste than wit, though there is, indeed, no
lack of the latter. But the people delight most in ab-
surd situations that appeal to the risibilities without
any injury to the feelings of others. For example,
 INTRODUCTION 17

Dickens relates an anecdote concerning two men, who
were about to be hanged at a public execution. When
they were already on the scaffold in preparation for the
supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose
and ran amuck through the great crowd assembled to
witness the hanging. One of the condemned men on the
scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:

“TI say, mate, it’s a good thing we’re not in that crowd.”

In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics
of the bull, the story is amusing in a way quite harmless.
Similarly, too, there is only wholesome amusement in the
woman’s response to a vegetarian, who made her a pro-
posal of marriage. She did not mince her words:

“Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh,
and you a-living on cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!”

The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in
sarcastic jesting on the domestic relation, which, on the
contrary, provokes the bitterest jibes of the Latins.
The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous, was
in the single word of Punch’s advice to those about to get
married:

“Don’t!”

The like good nature is in the words of a woman who
was taken to a hospital in the East End of London. She
had been shockingly beaten, and the attending surgeon
was moved to pity for her and indignation against her
assailant.

“Who did this?” he demanded. “Was it your hus-
band?”

“Lor’ bless yer, no!” she declared huffly. ‘““W’y, my
’usband ’e ’s more like a friend nor a ’usband!”

Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely
 18 INTRODUCTION

but too well, with the result that in the small hours they
retired to rest in the gutter. Presently, one of the pair
lifted his voice in protest:

“I shay, le’s go to nuzzer hotel this leaksh!”

Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door
solicited alms of a suspicious housewife. His nose was
large and of a purple hue. The woman stared at it with
an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:

“What makes your nose so red?”

The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:

“That ’ere nose o’ mine, mum, is a-blushin’ with pride,
cause it ain’t stuck into other folks’s business.”

But British wit, while often amiable enough, may
on occasion be as trenchant as any French sally. For
example, we have the definition of gratitude as given by
Sir Robert Walpole ‘‘A lively sense of future favors.”
The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner
at whist by his answer to someone who asked how the
game progressed: “I’m doing as well as could be ex-
pected, considering that I have three adversaries.” So
the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:
“Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?” * * * “IT
never heard you do anything else.” And again, Lamb
mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had said that he
did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare,
if he had a mind to try it. “Clearly,” Lamb continued,
“nothing is wanted but the mind.” ‘Then there is the
famous quip that runs back to Tudor times, although
it has been attributed to various later celebrities, includ-
ing Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a
number lurid with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer re-
 INTRODUCTION 19

marked that the piece was tremendously difficult. This
drew the retort from another auditor:

“Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!”

Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for
their devotion to the grotesque in humor. Yet, a con-
spicuous example of such amusing absurdity was given
by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large
that it took two men to swallow it whole.

It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns.
It is usual to sneer at the pun as the lowest form of wit.
Such, alas! it too often is, and frequently, as well, it is a
form of no wit at all. But the pun may contain a very
high form of wit, and may please either for its clever-
ness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination
of the two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has al-
ways been in favor with the wits of all countries. John-
son’s saying, that a man who would make a pun would
pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not
recorded that Napier ever “pinched a leather,” but he
captured Scinde, and in notifying the government at
home of this victory he sent a dispatch of one word,
“Peccavi” (“I have sinned’). The pun is of the sort
that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness,
while not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really
amusing kind are the innumerable puns of Hood. He
professed himself a man of many sorrows, who had to be
a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an
ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor.
For example:

“Ben Battle was a soldier bold,
‘‘And used to war’s alarms,
 20 INTRODUCTION

“But a cannon ball took off his legs,
“So he laid down his arms.

“And as they took him off the field,
“Cried he, ‘Let others shoot,
““*For here I leave my second leg,

“ “And the Forty-Second Foot.’ ”

It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical
operation to get a joke into some particular Scotchman’s
head. But we have some persons of the sort even in our
own country. Many of the British humorists have been
either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to at-
tempt distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as
contrasted with the English. Usually, stories of thrift
and penuriousness are told of the Scotch without doing
them much injustice, while bulls are designated Irish
with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the
Scotch character, we may cite the story of the visitor to
Aberdeen, who was attacked by three footpads. He
fought them desperately, and inflicted severe injuries.
When at last he had been subdued and searched the
only money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One
of the thieves remarked glumly:

“Tf he’d had a good shilling, he’d have killed the three
of us.”

And there is the classic from Punch of the Scotchman,
who, on his return home from a visit to London, in de-
scribing his experiences, declared:

“IT had na been there an hour when bang! went sax-
pence!”

Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman’s
answer when asked to define a bull. ' He said:
 INTRODUCTION 2\

“If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and
one of them is standing up, that’s a bull.”

A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been
accredited was Sir Boyle Roche. He wrote in a letter:

“At this very moment, my dear , I am writing this
with a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other.”

He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Com-
mons asserted stoutly:

“Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest
of all possible misfortune is usually followed by a
greater.”

And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:

“Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I
hope you will stop there.”” And it was an Irishman who
remarked to another concerning a third: “You are thin,
and I am thin, but he’s as thin as the two of us put to-
gether.” Also, it was an Irishman who, on being over-
taken by a storm, remarked to his friend: ‘Sure, we'll
get under a tree, and whin it’s wet through, faith, we'll
get under another.”

 

Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty,
and they are by no means all derived from our Irish
stock. Yet, that same Irish stock contributes largely
and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the mat-
ter of that, the composite character of our population
multiplies the varying phases of our fun. We draw for
laughter on all the almost countless racial elements that
form our citizenry. And the whole content of our wit and
humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness
of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth.
We ape the old, but fashion its semblance to suit our
livelier fancy. We moralize in our jesting like the Turk,
 22 INTRODUCTION

but are likely to veil the maxim under the motley of a
Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as
the German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all
our own. Thus, the widow, in plaintive reminiscence
concerning the dear departed, said musingly:

“If John hadn’t blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I
guess he’d ‘a’ got plenty of squirrels. It was such a
good day for them!”

And in the moralizing vein, this:

The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden
by her mother to make an addition to the accustomed
bedtime prayer a request that God would make her
a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: ‘And, O God,
please make Nellie a good little girl.” And then, with
pious resignation, she added:

“Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done.”

At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the
husband, who confessed that at first after his marriage
he doted on his bride to such an extent that he wanted
to eat her later, he was sorry that he hadn't.

Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing
amuses us, and, it is produced only too abundantly.
Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no lack of that harm-
less jesting which is more typically English. For ex-
ample, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the
attendant brightly:

“Don’t you get awful tired, sonny?”

“Yes, mum,” the boy in uniform admitted.

“What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going
up?”

“No, mum.”

“Is it the going down?”
 INTRODUCTION 23

“No, mum.”

“Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?”

“It’s the questions, mum.”

And this of the little boy, who was asked by his
mother as to what he would like to give his cousin for
a birthday present.

“I know,’ was the reply, “but I ain’t big enough.”

Many of our humorists have maintained a constant
geniality in their humor, even in the treatment of dis-
tressing themes. For example, Josh Billings made the
announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well,
could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Arte-
mas Ward and many another American writer have given
in profusion of amiable sillinesses to make the nation
laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted
man sought exemption because he was a negro, a min-
ister, over age, a British subject, and an habitual drunk-
ard.

The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that
of the grotesque. It is characteristic in Mark Twain's
best work, and it is characteristic of most of those others
who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The
American tourist brags of his own:

“Talk of Vesuve huh! Niag ’ll put her out in three
minutes.” That polished writer, Irving, did not hesi-
tate to declare that Uncle Sam believed the earth tipped
when he went West. In the archives of our government
is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to
Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they
would float wherever the ground was a little damp.
Typically American in its grotesquerie was the asser-
tion of a rural humorist who asserted that the hogs
 24 INTRODUCTION

thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in
their tails to prevent them from crawling through the
chinks in the fence.

Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his
remark to the conductor of a tediously slow-moving ac-
commodation train in the South. From his seat in tiie
solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight
cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:

“I ask you, conductor, why don’t you take the cow-
catcher off the engine.and put it behind the car here?
As it is now, there ain’t a thing to hinder a cow from
strolling into a car and biting a passenger.”

Similar extravagance appears in another story of a
crawling train. The conductor demanded a ticket from
a baldheaded old man whose face was mostly hidden in a
great mass of white whiskers.

“I give it to ye,” declared the ancient.

“I don’t reckon so,” the conductor answered. “Where
did you get on?”

“At Perkins’ Crossin’,” he of the hoary beard replied.

The conductor shook his head emphatically.

“Wasn’t anybody got aboard at Perkins’ Crossin’
"cept one little boy.”

“I,” wheezed the aged man, “‘was that little boy.”

In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had
to go up on a ladder to shave himself and down cellar
to put his boots on.

We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for
humor, and we have brains, as is necessary for wit, and
we have the vitality that makes creation easy, even
inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of
the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by
 INTRODUCTION 25

their power to amuse make life vastly more agreeable.
Every newspaper, and most magazines carry their quota
of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good story so uni-
versally popular as in America today. It is received
with gusto in the councils of government, in church, in
club, in cross-roads store. The teller of good stories is
esteemed by all, a blessing undisguised. The collection
that follows in this volume is, it is believed, of a sort that
will help mightily to build an honorable fame for the
narrator.

For greater convenience in references to the volume,
the various stories and anecdotes are placed under head-
ings arranged in alphabetical order. The heading in
every case indicates the subject to which the narration
may be directly applied. This will be found most useful
in selecting illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for
use in arguments. History tells us how Lincoln re-
peatedly carried conviction by expressing his ideas
through the medium of a story. His method is ren-
dered available for any one by this book.
  STORIES.
  JOKES
FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ABSENTMINDEDNESS

The man of the house finally took all the disabled
umbrellas to the repairer’s. Next morning on his way
to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he
absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a
woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying
one. The woman cried “Stop thief!’ rescued her um-
brella and covered the man with shame and confusion.

That same day, he stopped at the repairer’s, and
received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he
entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas
tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring
at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice

came to him charged with a withering scorn:
“Huh! Had a good day, didn’t you!”
+ *

The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute
device. He was taken up in a balloon to make a test
of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a thousand
feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped
out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he re-
marked to himself, in a tone of deep regret:

“Dear me! I’ve gone and forgotten my umbrella.”
+ *

The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering
of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door
29
 30 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

answered by a new maid. The girl looked at him in-
quiringly:

“Um ah is Professor Johnson at home?” he asked,
naming himself.

“No, sir,’ the maid replied, “but he is expected any
moment now.”

The professor turned away, the girl closed the door.
Then the poor man sat down on the steps to wait for
himself.

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon,
rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He
swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

“TI beg your pardon, madam.”

Then he observed his error, and was greatly cha-
grined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of
the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of
the path.

“Get out of the way, you brute!” he said.

* *% %

The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Meth-
odist minister who served several churches each Sunday,
riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday
morning he went to the stable while still meditating on
his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a
long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had
put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour
in vain efforts to climb on his own back.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 31

ACQUAINTANCE

The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a
tourist as to how many the carryall would hold.

“Fower generally,” was the answer. “Likely sax, if
they’re weel aquaint.”

>?

ACTORS

The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South
Africa. He told a friend of it at the club. The friend
shook his head dismally.

“The ostrich,’ he explained in a pitying tone, “lays an
egg weighing anywhere from two to four pounds.”

ADVERTISING

The editor of the local paper was unable to secure
advertising from one of the business men of the town,
who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads.,
and didn’t believe anyone else did.

“Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks
read the ads.?” the editor asked.

“If you can show me!’ was the sarcastic answer.
“But you can’t.”

In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line
of small type in an obscure corner. It read:

“What is Jenkins going to do about it?”

The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the
editor next day. He admitted that he was being pest-
ered out of his wits by the curious. He agreed to stand
by the editor’s explanation in the forthcoming issue, and
this was:
 32 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Jenkins is going to advertise, of course.”
Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.

AFFECTION

There are as many aspects of grief as there are per-
sons to mourn. A quality of pathetic and rather grisly
humor is to be found in the incident of an English
laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to
condole with the parents found the father pacing to and
fro in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms.
As the clergyman spoke phrases of sympathy, the father,
with tears streaming down his cheeks, interrupted
loudly:

“Qh, sir, you don’t know how I loved that li’ll faller.
Yus, sir, if it worn’t agin the law, I’d keep him, an’ have
him stuffed, that I would!”

AGE

The woman confessed to her crony:

“T’m growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the
policeman never takes me by the arm when he escorts
me through the traffic.”

ALIBI

The mother called in vain for her young son. Then
she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second,
and the attic all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the
trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried:

“John Henry, are you out there?”

An answer came clearly:

“No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 33

AMNESTY

The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier
with a puzzled frown.

“Your face is perfectly familiar to me,’ she said,
musingly. “But I can’t quite place you somehow.”

“Let bygones be bygones, mum,” the soldier said
weakly. ‘Yes, mum, I was a policeman.”

ANATOMY

The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered him-
self of his message in these words:

“Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an’ ma
says the last one was very nice, an’ ma says she wants
another off the same ox!”

APPEARANCE

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a
black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and
his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at
the spectacle presented by her darling. There were
tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

“Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not
to play with that naughty Peck boy!”

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression
of deepest disgust.

“Say, ma,” he objected, “do I look as if I had been
playing with anybody?” |
 34 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

APPEARANCE

The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly
grace, and said:

“May I have the pleasure of this dance?”

Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:

“With pleasure.”

APPETITE

The young man applied to the manager of the enter-
tainment museum for employment as a freak, and the
following dialogue occurred:

“Who are you?”

“I am Enoch, the egg king.”

“What is your specialty?”

“I eat three dozen hen’s eggs, two dozen duck eggs,
and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting.”

“Do you know our program?”

“What is it?”

“We give four shows every day.”

“Oh, yes, I understand that.”

“And do you think you can do it?”

“I know I can.”

“On Saturdays we give six shows.”

“All right.”

“On holidays we usually give a performance every
hour.”

And now, at last, the young man showed signs of
doubt.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 35

“In that case, I must have one thing understood before
I’d be willing to sign a contract.”

“What?”

“No matter what the rush of business is in the show,
you've got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my
regular meals.”

* * *

Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous
hostess who insisted rather annoyingly that he was eat-
ing nothing at all, that he had no appetite, that he was
not making out a meal. Finally, Webster wearied of
her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
ponderous senatorial manner:

“Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes
eat more than at other times, but never less.”

% *% *%

It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone
asked the little boy to define the word appetite. His
reply was prompt and enthusiastic:

“When you're eating you’re ’appy; and when you get
through you're tight that’s appetite!’

APPRECIATION

The distinguished actor had a large photograph of
Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room.
A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and
remarked:

“T see you are an admirer of Wordsworth.”

“Who’s Wordsworth?” demanded the actor.
 36 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Why, that’s his picture,’ was the answer, as the
friend pointed. ‘““That’s Wordsworth, the poet.”

The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.

“Is that old file a poet?” he exclaimed in astonish-
ment. “I got him for a study in wrinkles.”

ARGUMENT

“Yes, ma’am,’ the old salt confided to the inquisitive
lady, “I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he
come along and grabbed me by the leg.”

“Merciful providence!” his hearer gasped. “And
what did you do?”

“Let ’im ’ave the leg, o’ course, ma'am. I never
argues with sharks.”

ART

An American tourist and his wife, after their return
from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them
at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with
enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve
and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection
with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also
waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:

“Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most in-
teresting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote.”

* *¥ *

The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a
beautiful woman which he had seen in an art museum
abroad.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 37

“And the way she stood, so up and coming, was
grand. But,’ he added, with a tone of disgust, ‘those
foreigners don't know how to spell. The name of the
statue was ‘Posish’ and it was some posish, believe me!
und the dumb fools spelt it ‘Psyche?’ ”’

* * *

“Tell me, does your husband snore?”

“Oh, yes, indeed so delightfully.”

“What?”

“Yes, really he’s so musical you know, his voice is
baritone, he only snores operatic bits, mostly Aida.”

*% * %

The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa
Bonheur.

“How much is that?” he demanded. The dealer
quoted the price as $5,000.

“Holy pig’s feet!’ the magnate spluttered. ‘For
that money, I can buy live hogs and ”

His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:

“Don’t talk shop.”

 

ATHLETICS

The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was
calling on her after field day, at which she had been
present.

“And how they did applaud when you broke that
record !”’

Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.

“Pa didn’t applaud me for the one I broke,” he com-
plained. “He licked me.”
 38 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

AUTHORS

A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of
distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during
the meal, and bored one another and more especially
their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up,
he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur
about opening a window, and went out into the hall.
He found the footman sound asleep in a chair. He
shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:

“Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole.”

BABIES

The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to
his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant
he had ever seen, which was in its mother’s arms op-
posite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze at-
tracted the mother’s attention, then excited her indigna-
tion.

“Rubber!” she piped wrathfully.

“Thank God!” exclaimed the Englishman. “I fancied
it might be real.”

x *

The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian
women are called squaws. Then she asked what name
was given to the children?

“Porpoises,” came one eager answer.

But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called
excitedly:

“Please, teacher, they’re squabs !”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 39

BAIT

A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an
old negro and a colored boy fishing. A moment later, a
splash was heard. The boy had fallen into the water.
The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, and
succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he
stood the victim on his head to let the water drain out,
and it was at this moment that the gentleman arrived
on the scene with profuse expressions of admiration for
the prompt rescue.

“It was noble of you,” the gentleman declared rather
rhetorically, “‘to plunge into the water in that way at the
risk of your life to save the boy. I congratulate you on
your brave display of heroic magnanimity.”

The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:

“All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin’ *bout mag-
nimity. But Ah jess had to git dat boy out de water.
He had de bait in his pocket.”

BALDNESS

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was
coming out.

“Won't you give me something to keep it in?” he
begged.

“Take this,’ the doctor said kindly, and he handed
the patient a pill box.
 40 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

BAPTISM

On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened
the stopper of his bottle, with the result that the milk
made a frightful mess over the christening robe. The
mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled to
hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergy-
man at the font.

“What name?” the clergyman whispered.

The agitated mother failed to understand, and
thought that he complained of the baby’s condition. So
she offered explanation in the words:

“Nozzle come off nozzle come off!’’

The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:

“What name?”

“Nozzle come off nozzle come off!” The woman
insisted, almost in tears.

The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:

“Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name
of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.”

% *% %

The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from
the pulpit:

“Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu’ch,
at half-pas’ ten in de mawnin’. Dis baptism will be of
two adults an’ six adulteresses.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 41

BAPTISTS
The old colored man left the Methodist Church and

joined the Baptist. Soon afterward, he encountered
his former pastor, who inquired the reason for his
change of sect. The old man explained fully.

“Fust off, I was ’Piscopal, but I hain’t learned, an’
they done say the service so fast, I nebber could keep
up, an’ when I come out behin’, dey all look, an’ I’se
*shamed. So I jined the Methodis’. Very fine church,
yes, suh. But dey done has ’Quiry meetin’s. An’, suh,
us cullud folkses can’t bear too much ’quirin’ into. An’
a man says to me, ‘Why don’t you jine de Baptis’? De
Baptis’, it’s jest dip an’ be done wid it! ’An’ so I
jined.”

BASEBALL

The teacher directed the class to write a brief ac-
count of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy
during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat
motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by
one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the
youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It
ran thus:

““Rain no game.”

BATTLE

Teacher: “In which of his battles was King Gus-
tavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?’
Pupil: “I’m pretty sure it was the last one.”
 42 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

BEARS

The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he
had thrown away everything he carried, and found,
nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he de-
termined to make a stand. As he came into a small
clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and
got out and opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a
rod away, and sat on its haunches, surveying its victim
gloatingly. The trapper, though not usually given to
praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.

“O God,” he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear,
“if you're on my side, let my knife git ’im quick in ’is
vitals, an’ if you’re on ’is side, let ’im finish me fust off.
But, O God, if you’re nootral, you jist sit thar on that
stump, an’ you'll see the darndest bear fight you ever

hearn tell on!’’
x *

The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains
to an old hunter who was reputed to have slain some
hundreds of bears.

“This feller,” the guide explained to the hunter,
“would like to hear about some of the narrer escapes
you've had from bears.”’

The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a dis-
approving stare.

“Young man,” he said, “if there’s been any narrer
escapes, the bears had ’em.”’
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 43

BEER

The father of a school boy in New York City wrote
to the boy’s teacher a letter of complaint. Possibly he
welcomed the advent of prohibition possibly not!
Anyhow, the letter was as follows:

“Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy
some eesier somes to do at nites. This is what he
brought home to me three nites ago. If fore gallins of
bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and
half bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and
could make nothing of it all, and my boy cried and said
he wouldn’t go back to school without doing it. So, I
had to go and buy a nine gallin’ keg of bere, which I
could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a
lot of wine and brandy bottles, beside a few we had by
us. Well we emptied the keg into the bottles, and
there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
answer. I don’t know whether it is rite or not, as we
spilt some in doing it.

P. S. Please let the next one be water as I am not
able to buy any more bere.”

* *% *

The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself
revealed his shameful past quite unconsciously by the
question he put to the girl who had just asked for an
egg-shake.

“Light or dark?” he asked mechanically.
 44 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

BEGGARS

The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress,
wife of the profiteer:

“If you please, ma’am, there’s a mendicant at the
door.”’

The mistress sniffed contemptuously:

“Tell ’im there’s nothin’ to mend.”

BEGINNERS

A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No
sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward
violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the
street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified.
She thrust her head through the open window of the
door, and shouted at the chauffeur:

“Please, be careful, sir! I’m nervous. This is the
first time I ever rode in a taxi.”

The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:

“That’s all right, ma’am. It’s the first time I ever
drove one!”

BETROTHAL

The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a
frequenter at the kitchen, named Mike. But a year
passed and nothing was heard of the nuptials. So, one
day, the mistress inquired:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 45

“When are you to be married, Nora?”

“Indade, an’ it’s niver at all, I’ll be thinkin’, mum,”
the cook answered sadly.

“Really? Why, what is the trouble?”

The reply was explicit:

‘““Tis this, mum. I won’t marry Mike when he’s
drunk, an’ he won’t marry me when he’s sober.

* *% ¥*

The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his
ability as a presiding officer. The girl questioned him:

“What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to
call for a vote?”

The answer was given with proud certainty:

“Are you ready for the question?”

“Yes, dearest,” the girl confessed shyly. “Go
ahead.”

BIGAMY

What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

+ * &

The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he
got married three times inside of a year. He was con-
victed and sentenced for four years. He seemed greatly
relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he
wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the
plaintive query:

“Will it be safe for me to come out?”
 46 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

BIRTH

The little girl in the zodlogical park tossed bits of a
bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and
bobbed its head toward her for more.

“‘What kind of a bird is it, mamma?” the child asked.

The mother read the placard, and answered that it
was a stork.

“Q-o-o-h!’’ the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded.
“Of course, it recognized me!”’

BLESSING

The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts
by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg,
was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence
by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen’s one,
does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.

BLIND

A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a
box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, “For
the Blind.” <A month later, the box disappeared. When
some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper
chuckled, and pointed to the window.

“I collected enough,’ he explained. “There’s the
new blind.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS AT

BLINDNESS

The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the sea-
shore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor’s nar-
rative of how he was washed overboard during a gale
and was only rescued after having sunk for the third
time.

“And, of course,’ she commented brightly, “after you
sank the third time, your whole past life passed before
your eyes.”

“I presoom as how it did, mum,” the sailor agreed.
“But bein’ as I had my eyes shut, I missed it.”

BLOCKHEAD

The recruit complained to the sergeant that he’d got a
splinter in his finger.

“Ye should have more sinse,”’ was the harsh comment,
“than to scratch your head.”

BONE OF CONTENTION

The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close.
The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust
his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled
to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.

“I caught you that time!” the fat man hissed.

“Thief yourself!’ snorted the timid passenger.
“Leggo!”

“Scoundrel!” shouted the fat man.
 48 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Help! Stop thief!’ the little fellow spluttered, try-
ing to wrench his hand from the other’s clasp. As the
car halted, the tall man next the two disputants spoke
sharply:

“I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good
enough to take your hands out of my pocket.”

* * *

During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply inter-
ested in the conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to
take part in it. A white man questioned him one day:

“The men of the North and South are killing one
another on your account. Why don’t you pitch in and
fight yourself?”

“Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin’ over a bone?”
the negro demanded.

?

“Many times, of course,” was the answer.
The old negro chuckled as he said:

“Did you ever see de bone fight?”

“Well ' no!”’

“Dat’s all! I’se de bone.”

BREAKFAST

The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in thc
days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at
his table in the hotel:

“You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast.”

“An’ what is that, sir?’ the waiter inquired doubt-
fully.

The Colonel explained:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 49

“Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bour-
bon whiskey.”

“But why do you order a bulldog?” asked the puzzled
waiter.

“To eat the steak, suh!” snapped the Colonel.

BREVITY

The best illustration of the value of brief speech
reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His
story was that when he had listened for five minutes to
the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more
of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective
contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour
more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the
end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he
stole two dollars.

BRIBERY

A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a
boy’s organization connected with a prominent church.
The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The
pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the
captain, with the direction that the money should be
used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that
might help to win the game. On the day of the game,
the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing
new in the club’s paraphernalia. He called the captain
to him.
 50 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“I don’t see any new bats, or balls, or gloves,’ he
said.

“We haven’t anything like that,’ the captain ad-
mitted.

“But I gave you five dollars to buy them,” the pastor
exclaimed.

“Well, you see,” came the explanation, “you told us to
spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we
thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the
umpire.”

BRUTALITY

Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window,
and at last called the conductor as referee.

“If this window is open,” one declared, “I shall catch
cold, and will probably die.”

“If the window is shut,” the other announced, “TI shall
certainly suffocate.” The two glared at each other.

The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the
words of a man with a red nose who sat near. These
were:

“First, open the window, conductor. That will kill
one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we
can have peace.”

BURGLARY

A young couple that had received many valuable wed-
ding presents established their home in a suburb. One
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 51

morning they received in the mail two tickets for a
popular show in the city, with a single line:

“Guess who sent them.”

The pair had much amusement in trying to identify
the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended
the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return
home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of
the unknown host, they found the house stripped of
every article of value. And on the bare table in the
dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written
in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

“Now you know!”

CANDOR

Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest
friend called.

“I look a perfect fright,’ she remarked, eager for
praise.

The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs,
and answered absent-mindedly:

“Yes, you certainly do.”

“Oh, you horrid thing!” Jeanette gasped. “I'll never
 never speak to you again!”

CALMNESS

In Bret Harte’s Mary McGillup, there is a notable
description of calmness in most trying circumstances.

***T have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel
spy, Miss McGillup?’ ” asked the vandal officer,
 52 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the ex-
ception of slightly expectorating twice in the face of the
minion I did not betray my agitation.”

CARDS

A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a
gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store,
and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his
pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned
two hours later, the Jug was gone. He demanded an
explanation from the grocer.

“Simple enough,” was the reply. “Jim Slocum come
along with a six of hearts, an’ jist nacherly took thet
thar jug o yourn.”

CARELESSNESS

The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after
a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver
teaspoons.

“My goodness gracious!” she exclaimed, as she re-
trieved the piece of silver. “Some one of the company
had a hole in his pocket.”

CATERPILLARS

The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole,
with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman
gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much per-
plexed.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 53

“Caterpillars !’’ he ejaculated. ‘What are you doing
with them?”

“They climb trees and eat the leaves,” the boy ex-
plained.

“Yes?”

“And so,” the boy continued proudly, “I’m foolin’ this
bunch by lettin’ ’em climb the telegraph pole.”

CATS

Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of
Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature
society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The
badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as
much pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He
displayed eagerness in the work, and grew somewhat
unpopular with the other boys and girls by reason of his
many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But
one morning his mother, on looking out of the window,
observed to her horror that the erstwhile virtuous Clar-
ence had the family cat by the tail, and was swinging it
to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had
been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused
the mother to look out.

“Why, Clarence!” she cried, aghast. “What are you
doing to that poor cat? And you a member of the Band
of Mercy!’

Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no
shame as he explained:

“I was but I lost my star.”
 54 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The teacher put a question to the class:

“What does a cat have that no other animal has?”

A number cried in unison:

“Fur!”

But an objector raised the point that bears and
skunks have fur. One pupil raised an eager hand:

“I know, teacher whiskers !”

But another objector laughed scornfully.

“Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!”

The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by de-
celaring: “My papa ain’t got whiskers.”

“**’Cause he can’t!’ the objector sneered. “Haw-haw!

99

 

Your pa ain’t no good. My pa says

The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her ques-
tion. A little girl raised her hand, and at the teacher’s
nod spoke timidly.

“Kittens !”’

%* * 4%

The little girl returned from church deeply musing
on the sermon, in which the preacher had declared that
animals, lacking souls, could not go to heaven. As the
result of her meditation, she presented a problem to the
family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:

“If cats don’t go to heaven, where do the angels get
the strings for their harps?”

CHARITY

“Oh, mamma,” questioned the child, “who’s that?”
He pointed to a nun who was passing.

“A Sister of Charity,’ was the answer.

“Which one,” the boy persisted, ‘Faith or Hope?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 55

CHICKEN-STEALING

The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry
house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his
way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:

“Come out of there, you ornery thief!”

There was silence for a few seconds, except for the
startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice
boomed out of the darkness:

“Please, Colonel, dey ain’t nobody here ’cept jes’ us
chickens !”

CHRISTIANITY

A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small
island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and
explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin
wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it
fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the
campfire of savages. But as he came close, a voice rang
out sharply:

“Why in hell did you play that card?” The cast-
away, already on his knees, raised his hands in devout
thanksgiving.

“Thank God!” he exclaimed brokenly. “They are
Christians !”’

CHRISTMAS

A political boss wished to show his appreciation of
the services of a colored man who posssesed considerable
 56 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas
present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the
best whiskey.

The colored man spoke to the point:

“Ah burns wood.”

% % *%

Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman,
a Ford, and a few like knick-knacks in the Chicago
girl’s stocking. When he saw that it was not yet half
filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the
snow, and wept bitterly.

CHURCH

The young members of the family had been taught to
be punctilious in contributing to the collection at church.
One Sunday morning, when the boxes were being passed,
James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the pew, and
noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand.
“Where is your money?” he whispered. She answered
that she hadn’t any. But James was equal to the emer-
gency:

“Here, take mine,” he directed. ‘““That’ll pay for you.
I’ll get under the seat.”

Which he did.

*% *% x

The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal
Church for the first time in his life. Someone asked
him afterward how he had enjoyed the experience.

“Not much, shohly not much,” he declared, shaking his
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 57

head. “Dat ain’t no church for me. No’ suh! Dey
wastes too much time readin’ the minutes ob the previous
mzetin’.”

CLEANLINESS

The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit
for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly
against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience,
but at last he approached her timidly, and said:

“Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?”

* % %

The mother catechised her young son just before the
hour for the arrival of the music teacher.

“Have you washed your hands very carefully?”

“Yes, mother.”

“And have you washed your face thoroughly?”

“Yes, mother.”

“And were you particular to wash behind your ears?”

“On her side I did, mother.”

COMMUNITY

The young man at the summer resort, who had become
engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led
him to question her:

“Is it true that since you came up here you've got
engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?”

The young lady assumed an air of disdain.

‘What is that to you?” she demanded.
 58 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Just this,’ he replied gently. “If it’s so, and you
have no objection, we fellows will all chip in together to
buy an engagement ring.”

COMPENSATION

Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new
to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of
the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice,
but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:

“’Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket.”

COMPLIMENTS

“Would you like a lock of my hair?’ asked the gallant
old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few
decades past.

“Why don’t you offer me the whole wig?” the maiden
lady gibed, with a titter.

The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:

“You are very biting, madam, considering that your
teeth are porcelain.”

* * *%

The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had
just been introduced, remarked with the best of inten-
tions, but rather unfortunately:

“That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about
it. I think it’s pretty bad. I expect she danced it with
somebody rather nice.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 59

(
In former times, when royalties were more important,

a lady at a court ball was intensely gratified when a
prince selected her as a partner. She was almost over-
whelmed with pride when he danced a second measure
with her.

“Oh,” she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his
arms, “your highness does me too great honor.”

The prince answered coldly:

“But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed

me to perspire.”’

CONCEALMENT

The widow was deep in suds over the family wash,
when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door.
She gave directions to her young son to answer the
bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just
gone down the street on an errand. Since the single
ground floor room of the cottage offered no better hiding
place against observation from the door, she crouched
behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments.
When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and
had duly delivered the message concerning his mother’s
absence, the reverend gentleman cast a sharp look to-
ward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the
boy thus:

“Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And
you might say to her that the next time she goes down
the street, she should take her feet along.”
 60 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

CONCEIT

“I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults,”
the husband remarked in a tone that was far from
humble.

“Yes,” the wife snapped, “and in your opinion your
faults are better than other folks’ virtues.”

CONSCIENCE

The child had been greatly impressed by her first ex-
perience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to
her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years
older:

“When you hear something wite here, it is conscience
whispering to you.”

“It’s no such thing,” the sister jeered. ““That’s just

wind on your tummie.”

CONSTANCY

His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the
last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with
pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness:

“I am dying yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her I died
 with her name on my lips, that I loved her her
alone always . . . And Jennie tell Jennie the

same thing.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 61

CONVERSION

A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made
an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old
mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for
his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and
stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he re-
sisted the pious efforts in his behalf.

“Jim,” the exhorter questioned sadly at last, “ain’t
you teched by the story of the Lord what died to save
yer soul?”

“Humph!” Jim retorted contemptuously. “Air ye
aimin’ to tell me the Lord died to save me, when He ain’t
never seed me, ner knowed me?”

“Jim,” the missionary explained with fervor, “it was
a darn sight easier for the Lord to die fer ye jest because
He never seed ye than if He knowed ye as well as we-alls

do!”

COOKERY

The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on
condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp
retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared
at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still
intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.

“Madam,” he said respectfully to the wondering
woman, “if it’s all the same to you, I'll eat the wood,

and saw the pie.”
 62 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

COURTESY

* The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new
to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed
him:

“Speak to the jury, sir the men sitting behind you
on the benches.”

The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:

“Good-morning, gentlemen.”

COWARDICE

The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie.
When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he re-
marked admiringly:

“Darn’d curi’s fish, ain’t it, ma?”

“That ain’t a fish,’ the wife announced. ‘“That’s a
rep-tile.”

It was thus that the argument began. It progressed
to a point of such violence that the old lady began be-
laboring the husband with her umbrella. The old man
dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The trainer
had just opened the door of the lions’ cage, and the.
farmer popped in. He crowded in behind the largest
lion and peered over its shoulder fearfully at his wife,
who, on the other side of the bars, shook her umbrella
furiously.

“Coward!” she shouted. “Coward!”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 63

CURIOSITY

The colored man, passing through the market, saw a
turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great in-
terest. The creature’s head was withdrawn, but as the
investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and
nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his
finger in his mouth, and sucked it.

“What's the matter?” the fishmonger asked with a grin.

“Nothin’ jest nothin’ a tall,’ the colored man an-
swered thickly. “Ah was only wonderin’ whether Ah
had been bit or stung.”

DAMAGES

The child came to his mother in tears.

“Oh, mama,” he confessed, ‘I broke a tile in the
hearth.”

“Never mind, dear,” the mother consoled. ‘But how
ever did you come to do it?”

“TI was pounding it with father’s watch?”

DANGER

One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.

DEAD CERTAINTY

On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for
permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She ex-
 64 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

plained that she wished to attend the funeral of her
fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sym-
pathetically.

“But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny,’ she re-
marked.

“Oh, no, ma’am,” the girl replied. ‘You see, ma’am,
he ain’t dead yet. The hanging ain't till Friday.”

DEAD MEN’S SHOES

When a certain officer of the governor’s staff died,
there were many applicants for the post, and some were
indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was
awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
asking:

“Would you object to my taking the place of the
colonel?”

“Not at all,” the governor replied tartly. “See the
undertaker.”

DEAFNESS

In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an
amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who
was seated beside him:

“The show is very good, don’t you think?”

The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

“Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated
an’ subway stairs ketches my breath.”
 JOKES OR ALL OCCASIONS 65

“I said the show was a good one,’ exclaimed the
young man, raising his voice.

Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

“They jump about a good deal,’ was his comment, but
they’re on the ground, which the others ain’t.”

Now, the young man shouted:

“You're a little deaf, ain’t you?”

At last the other understood.

“Yes, sir!’ he announced proudly. “I’m as deef as
a post.” He chuckled contentedly. ‘Some folks thinks
as that’s a terrible affliction, but I don’t. I kin always
hear what I’m sayin’ myself, an’ that’s interestin’ enough

for me.”
*% * *&

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing,
and was beset with apprehension lest he become totally
deaf. One day, as he rested on a park bench, another
elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The apprehen-
sive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking
rapidly, but his ears caught no faintest sound of the
other’s voice. He listened intently in vain. He
cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only silence.
At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

“It’s come at last! I know you've been talking all
this while, but I haven’t heard a single word.”

The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satis-
fying to the worried deaf man:

“I hain’t been talkin’ jest a-chewin’.”
 66 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

DEDICATION

The visitor to the poet’s wife expressed her surprise
that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of
his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife
became flustered, and declared tartly:

“I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone,
I'll look through all his books, and if that’s so, I never
will forgive him!’’

DEFINITION

The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this
definition of the word “spine,” at his teacher’s request.

“A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on
one end and you set on the other.”

DEGREES IN DEGRADATION

Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in
Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class res-
taurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine,
and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his
waiter.

“My God?” he whispered. “To find you in such a
place as this.”

Phil May smiled, as he retorted:

“Oh, but, you see, I don’t eat here.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 67

DELAY

A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated
in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig’s
feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband
had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been
shot to death. The widow continued munching on a
pig’s foot in silence while she listened to the harrowing
news. As the narrator paused, she spoke thickly from
her crowded mouth:

“Jest wait till I finish this-here pig’s trotter, an’ ye’ll

> 33

hear some hollerin’ as is hollerin’.

DEVIL

Some wasps built their nests during the week in a
Scotch clergyman’s best breeches. On the Sabbath as
he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed
up, with the result that presently the minister was leap-
ing about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower
anatomy with great vigor, to the amazement of the
congregation.

“Be calm, brethren,’ he shouted. “The word of God
is in my mouth, but the De’il’s in my breeches!”

DIET

The young lady, who was something of a food fadist,
was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned
her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was
 68 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The
girl protested:
“But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really
the most unintelligent-looking that I ever saw.”
“Mebbe so,” the host agreed. “And just think what
they’d look like if they didn’t eat fish!”

DIGESTION

In an English school, the examiner asked one of the
children to name the products of the Indian Empire.
The child was well prepared, but very nervous.

“Please, sir,” the answer ran, “India produces curries
and pepper and rice and citron and chutney and 

BP

 

and
There was a long pause. Then, as the first child re-
mained silent, a little girl raised her hand. The ex-
aminer nodded.
“Yes, you may name any other products of India.”
“Please, sir,” the child announced proudly, “India-
gestion.”’

DIPLOMACY

“Now, let me see,” the impecunious man demanded as
he buttonholed an acquaintance, ‘do I owe you any-
thing?”

“Not a penny, my dear sir,’ was the genial reply.
“You are going about paying your little debts?”

“No, I’m going about to see if I’ve overlooked any-
body? Lend we ten till Saturday.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 69

Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door
on baking day, for the woman of that house had a deft
way in the making of cookies, and Ted had no hesitation
in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of asking
for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.

When the boy’s father learned of this, he gave Ted
a lecture and a strict order never to ask for cookies at
the neighbor’s kitchen. So, when a few days later the
father saw his son munching a cookie as he came away
from the next hose, he spoke sternly:

“Have you been begging cookies again?”

“Oh, no, I didn’t beg any,’ Ted answered cheerfully.
“I just said, this house smells as if it was full of cookies.
But what’s that to me?”

* & *

Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its
own purpose, as in the case of the old fellow who was
enthusiastic in praise of the busy lawyer from whose
office he had just come, after a purely social call.

“That feller, for a busy man,” he declared earnestly,
“is one of the pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I
dropped in on him jest to pass the time o’ day this
mornin’, an’ J hadn’t been chattin’ with ’im more’n
five minutes before he’d told me three times to come and
see ’im agin.”

* * *

The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman
of about the same age who had offered her his seat in
the car.

“Why should you be so kind to me?” she gurgled.

“My dear madam, because I myself have a mother
and a wife and a daughter.”
 70 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the
professor to the lady in this story.

At a reception the woman chatted for some time with
the distinguished man of learning, and displayed such
intelligence that one of the listeners complimented her.

“Oh, really,” she said with a smile, “I’ve just been
concealing my ignorance.”

The professor spoke gallantly.

“Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the
contrary, I do assure you.”

DIRT

We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness
than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb,
during a whist game, remarked to his partner:

“Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd
have!”

* * #

The French aristocrats were not always conspicu-
ously careful in their personal habits. A visitor to a
Parisian grande dame remarked to her hostess:

“But how dirty your hands are.”

The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as
she replied:

“Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my
feet!”

DISCIPLINE

Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He
felt forced to remonstrate with his mother.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 71

“Don’t you. want Jenny to be a good wife like you
when she grows up?” he demanded. His mother nodded
assent.

“Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give
into her all the time ’cause I’m bigger ’en she is. You're
smaller ’en pa, but when he comes in, you bring him his
slippers, and hand him the paper.” Jimmie yanked his
go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of
anger as he continued:

“Got to dis’pline her, or she’ll make an awful wife!”

DISCRETION

The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was inter-
ested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a
house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from
its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully
removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces
of the chicken. The puzzled observer questioned the
lad:

“Now, sonny, why don’t you eat your sandwich right
down, instead of fussing with it like that?”

The answer was explicit:

“Dasn’t! ’Tain’t mine.”

DIVORCE

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife
who sought a divorce.

“Tell me explicitly,’ the judge directed the woman,
“what fault you have to find with your husband.”
 72 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

And the wife was explicit:

“He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!’

“Tut, tut!’ the judge remonstrated. “I suspect you
would find difficulty in proving all your assertions.”

“Prove it!’ was the retort. ‘Why, everybody knows
it.” -

“If you knew it,” his honor demanded sarcastically,
“why did you marry him?”

“I didn’t know it before I married him.”

‘The husband interrupted angrily:

“Yes, she did, too,” he shouted. “She did so!”

DOCTORS

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known
physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful
questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would
respond readily to treatment.

“You're so sure,’ the sufferer inquired, “I suppose
you must have had a great deal of experience with this
disease.”’

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most
confidential manner:

“Why, my dear sir, “I’ve had bronchitis myself for
more than fifteen years.”

x * +

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness,
and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by
a physician of his own race. So, presently, he dismissed
this doctor and summoned a white man. The new phys-
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 73

ician made a careful examination of the patient, and
then asked:

“Did that other doctor take your temperature?”

The sick man shook his head doubtfully.

“IT dunno, suh,” he declared, “I sartinly dunno. All
I’ve missed so far is my watch.”

* *% *

A member of the faculty in a London medical college
was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He
proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-
room:

“Professor Jennings informs his students that he
has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty,
King George.”’

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon
he found written below his notice this line:

“God save the King.”

*% ¥ &

The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty
physician Sing Lee, as follows:

“Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin.
Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor
Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad think me
go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy no can
come. Me get well.”

%* * *

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a
diagram.

“The subject here limps,’ he explained, “because one
leg is shorter than the other.”” He addressed one of the
students:
 74 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?”

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with
conviction:

“I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too.”

* * *

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:

“I must hurry to Mrs. Jones’ boy he’s sick.”

“Is it serious?”

“Yes. I don’t know what’s the matter with him, but
she has a book on what to do before the doctor comes.
So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she mustn’t do it.”

DOCTRINE

In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines
were deemed more important by Christian clergymen
than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every
utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their
own particular tenets. For example, one distinguished
minister announced his text and introduced his sermon
as follows:

““So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did
eat at the King’s table, and he was lame on both his
feet.’

“My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of
human depravity Mephibosheth was lame. Also the
doctrine of total depravity he was lame on both his
feet. Also the doctrine of justification for he dwelt
in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of adoption ‘he
did eat at the King’s table.’ Fifth, the doctrine of the
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 75

perseverance of the saints for we read that ‘he did
eat at the King’s table continually.’ ”’

DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE

During the worst of the spy-scare period in London
a man was brought into the police station, who declared
indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen.
But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered
as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along.
He pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:
“V. Gates.”

DOGS

The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by
the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a
newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pome-
ranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp,
and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled ex-
pansively on the lady.

“Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?” he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly
interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp
caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it
over the hedge, remarking:

“And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit
more.”

%* %* *

Many a great man has been given credit as originator
of this cynical sentiment:

“The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs.”
 76 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the
knot tied in the tail of the dachshund.

“What’s the big idea?” he inquired.

“That,” the dachshund answered, “is a knot my wife
tied to make me remember an errand.”

The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.

“That,” he remarked at last, “must be the reason I’m
so forgetful.”

* * *

During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war,
when everybody was starving, one aristocratic family
had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the
house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter
through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:

“How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!”

* * %

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed
that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her
slate while eying him closely from time to time.

“And what are you doing, Clara?” he asked, with his
most engaging smile.

“I’m drawing a picture of you,” was the answer.

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the
work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her
head in discouragement.

“IT don’t like it much,” she confessed. “I guess I'll
put a tail on it, and call it a dog.”

*% *% *

The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to

his dog:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 77

“You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you
go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and
lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up the blace,
and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress
myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de
baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house
around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get
up again.

“Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your
neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire,
put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vife, and get myself
breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of
fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble.
Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go some-
where again.”

* * *

Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon
them, and such is obviously the case of the actor named
in this story.

The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise
her mistress’s dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by
admired the animal, and inquired as to the breed. The
maid said:

“TI doan jes’ zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my
missis say he am a full-blood Sam Bernard.”

DOMESTIC QUARRELS

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored
washerwoman:

“Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the
same as you used to?”
 78 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“No, indeed, ma’am,” was the reply.

“That is good. I’m sure you're very glad of it, aren’t
you?”

“Ah sho'ly is.”

“What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?” the
lady asked.

The explanation was simple and sufficient:

“He died.”

+ + *

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that
the wife in a passion finally declared:

“I’m going home to my mother!”

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this
calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.

“Here,” he said, counting out some bills, “is the
money for your railroad fare.”

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then
she faced her husband scornfully:

“But that isn’t enough for a return ticket.”

% % *

The good wife, after she and her husband had retired
for the night, discoursed for a long time with much
eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from
her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness,
and then remarked:

“John, do you know what I think of a man who will
go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin’ to him?”

“Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha,” was the
drowsily uttered response. “But don’t let that stop
you. Go right ahead, an’ git it off your mind.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 79

DOUBT

Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the min-
ister’s sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the
goats.

“Me,” he concluded, “I don’t know which I am.
Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid.”

% * *

Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a
virtue, but it may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor
found his bachelor friend glumly studying an evening
waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this explanation
was forthcoming:

“It’s quite too soiled to wear, but really, it’s not dirty
enough to go to the laundry. I can’t make up my mind
just what I should do about it.”

DRAMA

The new play was a failure. After the first act, many
left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the
others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his
aisle seat raised a restraining hand.

“Wait!’ he commanded loudly. “Women and chil-
dren first!”

DREAMS

The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing
the subject of dreams and their significance. During a
 80 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat
listening intently, and asked:

“Do you believe that dreams come true?’

“Of course, they do,” the child replied firmly. ‘Last
night I dreamed that I went paddling and I had!”

DRESS

“Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while
trying on a new dress.”
“How sad! What was it trimmed with?”

*% *% %.

The son of the house had been reading of an escaped
lunatic.

“How do they catch lunatics?” he asked.

The father, who had just paid a number of bills,
waxed sarcastic:

“With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones,
with silks and laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on
and so on.”

“TI recall now,” the mother spoke up, “I used to wear
things of that sort until I married you.”

DRINK

It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular
passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a
much crumpled evening suit.

As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous
liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 81

The car stopped, and the conductor, running back,
helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his feet.
The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very
dignified.

“Collision?”? he demanded.

“No,” the conductor answered.

“Off the track’’’ was the second inquiry.

“No,” said the conductor again.

“Well!” was the indignant rejoinder. “If I’d known
that, I wouldn't have got off.”

* * *

The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but
somewhat dazed. On his homeward journey, made
tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron rods that
formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree
growing by the curb. He made a tour around the bar-
rier four times, carefully holding to one rod until he had
a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and
leaned dispairingly against the rock to which he held,
and called aloud for succor:

“Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!”

* * *

The highly inebriated individual halted before a soli-
tary tree, and regarded it as intently as he could, with
the result that he saw two trees. His attempt to pass
between these resulted in a near-concussion of the brain.
He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and
tried again, with the like result. When this had hap-
pened a half-dozen times, the unhappy man lifted up
his voice and wept.
 82 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Lost Lost!” he sobbed. “Hopelessly lost in an
impenetrable forest!”

* * *

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads
had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such
that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who
would rid him of the pests. <A disreputable-appearing
person turned up one morning, and announced that he
was a professional rat-killer.

“Get to work,” the store-keeper urged.

“I must have a pound of cheese,” the killer declared.

When this had been provided:

“Now give me a quart of whiskey.”

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke
briskly:

“‘Now show me the cellar.”

An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped
up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face
was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in de-
fiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air
and shouted:

“Whoopee! I’m ready! bring on your rats!”

*% * *

Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial
habits, chanced to meet on the street at nine o'clock
in the morning after an evening’s revel together. The
major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:

“Colonel, how do you feel, suh?”

The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of
his reply:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 83

“Major,” he declared tartly, “I feel like thunder,
suh, as any Southern gentleman should, suh, at this hour
of the morning!”

% * *

The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain
gentleman, also notorious for his bibulous habits.

“Know him!’ was the reply. “I should say I do!
Why, I got him so drunk one night it took three hotel
porters to put me to bed.”

% * *

A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed
in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on
the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs,
and he was heard to mutter:

“Thar, blast ye! if ye’re prudent, that orter last ye.”

% * *%

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the
result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents.
The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with
liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the
strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think.
After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took
a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again
to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued and drew
near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big
drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it
climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled
its whiskers, and squeaked:

“Now, bring on your cat!”
 84 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented
his gamekeeper with a fur cap, of the sort having ear
flaps. When at the lodge the following year, the gentle-
man asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The
old man shook his head dolefully.

“I’ve nae worn it since the accident.”

“What accident was that?” his employer demanded.
“I’ve heard of none.”

“A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of
it.”

* *% #

The old farmer was driving home from town, after
having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the
horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would
not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke
savagely:

“Dang yer hide, git up thar or IJ’ll drive smack
over ye!”

* * %

Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband
was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that
was catty:

“You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!”

And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:

“Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he some-
times indulges too much!”

* % %

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person
issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxica-
tion, and outside the door he encountered a teetotaler
friend.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 85

The friend exclaimed mournfully:

“Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such
a place as that!”

The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

“Then,” he declared huskily, “Vl go right back!’
And he did.

+ *

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some
one asked him if the Kentuckians were in fact very
bibulous.

“No, suh,’ the colonel declared. “I don’t reckon
they’re mo’ than a dozen Bibles in the whole state.”

* x *

The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had
been ill, and made gallant inquiries.

“I almost died,” she explained. “I had ptomaine-
poisoning.”

“And is it so?” the Irishman gushed. And he added
in a burst of confidence: ““What with that, ma’am, and
delirium tremens, a body these days don’t know what
he dare eat or drink.”

DRUGGED

The police physician was called to examine an un-
conscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought
to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short
examination, the physician addressed the policeman who
had made the arrest.

“This fellow is not suffering from the effects of
alcohol. He has been drugged.”
 86 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke fal-
teringly:

“Y’m thinkin’, ye’re right, sor. I drugged him all
the way to the station.”

DUTY

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the
train. He appealed to the conductor:

“Can’t you go any faster than this?’

“Yes,” was the serene reply, “but I have to stay
aboard.”

EASY LIVING

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow,
discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state.
He concluded in a burst of feeling:

“In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is com-
pelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The pre-
paring of the soil for the crops is done by our niggers,
suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
crops all done by the niggers. . . . And the sell-
ing is done by the sheriff.”

ECONOMY

One Japanese bragged to another that he made a
fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section,
and using this for five years, then the next section, and
SO on.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 87

The other Japanese registered scorn.

“Wasteful!” he ejaculated. “I was better taught.
I make a fan last a lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it
under my nose quite motionless. Then I wave my

head.”
% &

Wife: “Women are not extravagant. A woman can
dress smartly on a sum that would keep a man looking
shabby.”

Husband : “That’s right. What you dress on keeps
me looking shabby.”

EFFICIENCY

In these days of difficulty in securing domestic ser-
vants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but
there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl
in an employment office, who was a recent importation
from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:

“Can you do fancy cooking?”

“Naw.”

“Can you do plain cooking?”

“Naw.”

“Can you sew?”

“Naw.”
“Can you do general housework?”
“Naw.”
““Make the beds, wash the dishes?”
“Naw.”

“Well,” cried the woman in puzzled exasperation,
“what can you do?”
“T milk reindeer.”
 88 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin
with severe disapproval, for the wig persisted in slip-
ping back and revealing a perfectly bald pate. He ad-
dressed the widow in that cheerfully melancholy tone
which is characteristic of undertakers during their pro-
fessional public performance.

“Have you any glue?”

The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said
that she had.

“Shall I heat it?” she asked. The undertaker nodded
gloomily, and the relic departed on her errand. Pres-
ently, she returned with the glue-pot.

But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her
with the gently sad smile to which undertakers are ad-
dicted, as he whispered solemnly:

“I found a tack.”

% * &

An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construc-
tion in Central America, explained to one of the natives
living alongside the right of way the advantages that
would come from realization of the projected line. To
illustrate his point, he put the question:

“How long does it take you to carry your produce to
market by muleback?”

“Three days, setor,” was the answer.

“Then,” said the engineer, “you can understand the
benefit the road will be to you. You will be able to take
your produce to market, and to return home on the same
day.”

“Very good, sefior,” the native agreed courteously.

“But, setor, what shall we do with the other two
days?”

33
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 89

EGGS

The farmer decided to give special attention to the
development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the
work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who
had been with him for a number of years, was instructed,
among other things, to write on each egg the date laid
and the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired
man resigned.

“TI can’t understand,” the farmer declared, surprised
and pained, “why you should want to leave.”

“I’m through,” the hired man asserted. “I’ve done
the nastiest jobs, an’ never kicked. But I draw the
line on bein’ secretary to a bunch o’ hens.”

EGOTISM

The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend: |
“It is only to me that such misfortunes happen.”
“What's the matter now?”

The pessimist answered dolefully:

“Don’t you see that it is raining?”

ELEPHANT

A circus man was scouring the countryside in search
of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie
and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman work-
ing in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange
animal thereabouts.
 90 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Begorra, Oi hev thot!’ was the vigorous answer.
“There was an inju-rubber bull around here, pullin’
carrots with its tail.”’

ELOPEMENT

Some months after the elopement, an old friend
met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details.

“What about her father? Did he catch you?”

“Just that!’ quoth the bridegroom grimly. ‘Inci-
dentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us
still.”

ENOUGH

The darky’s clothes were in the last stages of dilapida-
tion, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was
radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along
the street. A householder called from his porch:

“Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a
quarter.”

The tattered colored man grinned happily as he
shook his head.

“No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss I done got a
quarter.”

EPITAPH

In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument
with an inscription which runs thus:
“This monument is erected to the memory of James
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 91

O’F linn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a
mark of affection.”

EVIDENCE

The prisoner, a darky, explained -how it came about
that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing:

“TI didn’t hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody.
It would ab been all right if it hadn’t been fer the
women’s love o dress. My women folks, dey wasn’t
satisfied jes’ to eat mos’ all o’ them chickens. Dey had
to put de feathers in der hats, an’ parade ’em as circum-
stantial evidence.”

* *% %

The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear per-
ception and shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dia-
logue between two farmers meeting on the road.

“Did you hear that old man Jones’s house burned
down last night?’

“I ain’t a mite surprised. I was goin’ past there
in the evenin’, an’ when I saw the smoke a-comin’ out
all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, sez I, “Where
there’s smoke there must be fire.’ An’ so it was!’

* * x

“Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma’am?’”’ the
servant asked.

“No,” her mistress replied. “I think my husband
won't get home until daylight. He kissed me goodbye
before he went, and gave me twenty dollars for a new
hat.”’
 92 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

EXCLUSIVENESS

One of the New York churches is notorious for its
exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the
church, and promptly told the minister that he wished
to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by
suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully
on the matter, and make it the subject of prayers for
guidance. The following day, the darky encountered
the minister.

‘““Ah done prayed, sah,” he declared, beaming, “‘an’ de
Lawd he done sent me an answer las’ night.”

“And what was it?” queried the clergyman, somewhat
at a loss. “What did the Lord say?”

“Well, sah, He done axed me what chu’ch Ah wanted
to jine, an’ Ah tole Him it was yourn. An’ He says:
“Ho, ho, dat chu’ch!’ says he. ‘You can’t git in dere.
Ah know you can’t ’cause Ah been tryin’ to git in
dat chu’ch fer ten years mahself an’ Ah couldn't!’ ”

EXPECTANCY

An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard
the noon whistle. But when he would have descended,
he found that the ladder had been removed. One of
his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom
he called, explained that the foreman had earried off
the ladder for another job.

“But how’'ll I get down?” Pat demanded.

Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 93

only means. Pat’s lunch was below, he was hungry,
and he accepted the suggestion seriously.

“Will yez kitch me?” he demanded.

“Sure, an’ I'll do that,” Mike agreed.

Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and
crowed, to bolster up his courage, and leaped. He re-
gained consciousness after a short interval, and feebly
sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike reproach-
fully.

“For why did yez not kitch me?” he asked, and the
pain in bones sounded in his voice.

“Begorry,” Mike replied sympathetically, I was wait-
ing for yez to bounce!”

EXPENSE ACCOUNT

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook
as follows:

“Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month.
She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make
use of her services longer.”

The husband, who was present, afterward expressed
his surprise at the final clause.

“But it’s true,” the wife answered. ‘The dishes she ©
smashed cost double her wages.”

EHXPERIENCE

The baby pulled brother’s hair until he yelled from
the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:

3
 94 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Of course, she doesn’t know how badly it hurts.”
Then she left the room.

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squall-
ing from baby.

“What in the world is the matter with her?” she
questioned anxiously.

“Nothin’ ’tall,’ brother replied contentedly. ‘Only
now she knows,”

EXPERTS

There was a chicken-stealing case before the court.
The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sen-
tenced. But the circumstances of the case had pro-
voked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned
the darky as to how he had managed to take those
chickens and carry them off from right under the window
of the owner’s house, and that with a savage dog loose
in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain.
He said:

“Hit wouldn’t be of no use, jedge, to try to ’splain
dis ting to you-all. Ef you was to try it you more’n
like as not would git yer hide full o’ shot an’ git no
chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any ras-
cality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am
familiar.”

EXPLICITNESS

On her return home after an absence of a few hours,
the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 95

was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time,
although she had been carefully directed to do so.
“You were very naughty, Emma,” the mother chided.
“I told you to be sure and take that pill.”
“But, mamma,’ the child pleaded in extenuation, “you
didn’t tell me where to take it to.”

EXTRAVAGANCE

A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags
in a leading jeweler’s shop in New York City. The
clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of
platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting
cf diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.

But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without
enthusiasm. She turned it from side to side and over
and over, regarding it with a critical eye and frowning
disapprovingly. At last she voiced her comment:

“Rather pretty, but I don’t like this side without
diamonds. Honestly, the thing looks skimpy de-
eidedly skimpy !”

For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was
corrected,

FACTS
The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling ad-

versary:
“You’re a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief.”
The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:
“Sech talk ain’t nice and, anyhow, ’tain’t fair
twittin’ on facts,”
 96 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

FASHION

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made
a success, and came running home with pockets bulging
real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills
in his wife’s lap, crying:

“Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you
some decent clothes.”

“Tl do nothing of the kind,’ was the sharp retort.
“T'll get the same kind the other women are wearing.”

* * *%

“The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,
“The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,
“Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,
“What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?”

But not the modern woman!

FAVORS

At the village store, the young farmer complained
bitterly.

“Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-
bearers once more at his wife’s funeral. An’ it’s like
this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was
buried. An’ then agin fer his second. An’ when Eliza
died, she as was his third, he up an’ axed me agin.
An’ now, I snum, it’s the fourth time. An’ ye know,
a feller can’t be the hull time a-takin’ favors, an’ not
payin’ ’em back.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 97

FIGHTING

The boy hurried home to his father with an announce-
ment:

““Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day.”

The father nodded gravely.

“Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it.”

The little boy’s face brightened.

“Gee, pop! I hope you made out ’s well ’s I did!”

FINANCE

A very black little girl made her way into the pres-
ence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrass-
ment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what
her mission:

“Please, mum, I’se Ophelia. I’se de washerwoman’s
little girl, an’ mama, she sent me to say, would you
please to len’ her a dime. She got to pay some bills.”

*% % *

The successful financier snorted contemptuously.

“Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making
money.”

“But only one honest way,” a listener declared.

“What way is that?” the financier demanded.

“Naturally, you wouldn’t know,’ was the answer.

*% + *& /

The eminent financier was discoursing.
“The true secret of success,” he said, “is to find out
what the people want.”
 98 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“And the next thing,” someone suggested, “‘is to give
it to them.”

The financier shook his head contemptuously.

“‘No to corner it.”

& ¥ *%

The eminent banker explained just how he started in
business:

“I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store,
and put up a sign, Bank. As soon as I opened for busi-
ness, a man dropped in, and made a deposit of two hun-
dred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and
deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third
day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point
that I put in fifty dollars of my own money.”

FINANCIERS

“My pa, he’s a financier,’ boasted one small boy to
another.

“*Tain’t much to brag of,” the other sneered. “My
pa an’ uncle Jack are in jail, too.”

FISHING

The congressman from California was telling at din-
ner in the hotel of tuna fishing.

“Just run out in a small motor boat,” he explained,
*‘and anything less than a hundred pounds is poor sport.”

The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:

“You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little
motor boat, suh?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 99

The congressman nodded.
“But,” the darky protested, ‘“‘ain’t you scairt fer fear
you'll ketch one?”

FLATTERY

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by
his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that
leaped in front of it. At the statesman’s order, the
chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out
and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the
remains. The dead dog’s mistress was deeply grieved,
and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted
to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrath-
fully, and told him just what she thought, which was
considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last,
she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe
her, saying:

“Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog.”

The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the
statesman with supreme scorn, and hissed:

“Sir, you flatter yourself!’

FLEAS

~.

The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of
being taken in to dinner by the distinguished statesman.

“Whatever can we talk about?” she demanded anx-
iously of her mother.

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her
mother with a radiant smile.
 100 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“He’s fine,’ she exclaimed. ‘‘We weren’t half way
through the soup before we were chatting cozily about
the fleas in Italian hotels.”

FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to
know better, turned to another guest, who had just
paused beside him:.

“Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the
window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few
minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg.”

“TI have only just arrived,” the other man said. “She
is my wife.”

FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make
conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

“Awful rainy spell like the flood.”

“The flood?’”” The tone was polite, but inquiring.

“The flood Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat.”

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head,
and mumbled thickly:

““Hain’t read to-day’s paper yit.”

FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning 
“An attachment a la Plato
“For a bashful young potato.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 101

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad,
but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious
romance of real life. Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper
of recent date carried the following paragraph:

“At
ing wedding was solemnized, the contracting parties
being Mr. Richard , eldest son of Mr. and Mrs.
, and a bouquet of pink carnations.

 

Church, on Monday last, a very interest-

 

 

FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick
that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He
became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a
slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching
through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

“Where am I going to?” he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

“Into the river I’ve just come out!”

FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were
guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was
the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if
they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The
second was the going to war to kill one another, when if
they would only wait, they must surely die naturally.
The third was that they should run after women, when,
if they did not do so, the women would surely run after
them.
 102 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave
an informal talk concerning his experiences. He ex-
plained that a point further north would have been
reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer’s remarks
carefully, ventured a comment as the speaker paused:

“But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually
tireless.”

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before
answering.

“I spoke,” he elucidated, ‘in a er culinary sense.”

x *
The young mother asked the man who supplied her
with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly
when he said that he did.
“Then,” she continued brightly, “bring me a pint of
calf’s milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong
for baby.”

FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always
rose early, and had every bed in the house made before
anybody else in the house was up.

FORESIGHT

The master directed that the picture should be hung
on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 103

The servant drove the nail where his master directed,
but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail
in the other wall.

“That,” he said to himself, “will save my lugging the
steps up here again to-morrow, when he has come around
to agreeing with her.”

FORGETFULNESS

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much trou-
bled by the shiftlessness of his colored workers, called
sharply to two of the men slouching past him.

“Hi, you! where are you going?”

“Well, suh, boss,” one of them answered, “‘we is goin’
to de mill wid dis-heah plank.”

“Plank? What plank? Where’s the plank?” the
foreman demanded.

The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and some-
what surprisedly at his own empty hands and those of
his companion, whom he addressed good-naturedly:

“Now, if dat don’t beat all, George! If we hain’t
gone an’ clean forgitted dat plank!”

% * x

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and
had a number of drinks together. The one who lived
in the suburbs became confidential, and exhibited a string
tied around a finger.

“I don’t dare to go home,” he explained. “There’s
something my wife told me to do, without fail, and to
make sure I wouldn’t forget, she tied that string around
 104 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

my finger. But for the life of me I can’t remember
what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go
home!”

A few days later the two men met again, this time in
the afternoon.

“Well,” the one asked, “did you finally remember
what that string was to remind you of?”

The other showed great gloom in his expression, as
he replied:

“I didn’t go home until the next night, just because I
was scared, and then my wife told me what the string
was for all right she certainly did!’ There was a
note of pain in his voice. “The string was to remind
me to be sure to come home early.”

*% %& &

The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and
directed that the candidates for baptism should now be
presented. A woman in the congregation gave a gasp
of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she ad-
dressed in a strenuous whisper:

“There! I just knew we'd forget something. John,
you run right home as fast as you can, and fetch the
baby.”

FORM

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials
of the railroad company, giving full details as to why
ihe had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of
sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter
from the company, which was so courteous and logical
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 105

that he was greatly soothed. His mood changed for the
worse, however, when he happened to glance at his own
letter, which had been enclosed through error. On the
margin was jotted in pencil:

“Send this guy the bed-bug letter.”
¥ & &

A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr.
Carnegie for a holiday in which to get married. The
magnate inquired interestedly concerning the bride:

“Is she tall or short, slender or plump?”

The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:

“Well, sir, I’m free to say, that if I’d had the rollin’
of her, I sure would have given her three or four more
passes.”

FRAUD

The hired man on a New England farm went on his
first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin
set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jew-
elry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of
the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it
was a real diamond.

“Tf it ain't,’ was the answer, “I was skun out o’ half
a dollar.”

FRIENDSHIP

The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach,
who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes
 106 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely
indeed.

“Haven’t you anybody to play with?” she inquired
sympathetically.

The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:

“I have one friend but I hate him!’

*% *% *%

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter
concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated
among the members of the congregation. The letter
opened in this form:

“Dear Friends:

“T will not address you as ladies and gentlemen,
because I know you so well.”

FRENCH

An American tourist in France found that he had a
two hours’ wait for his train at a junction, and set out
to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that
he was lost, and could not find his way back to the
station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best
French he could recollect from his college days, mis-
pronouncing it with great emphasis. He voiced his re-
quest for information as follows:

“Pardonnez-moi. J’ai quitté ma train et maintenant
je ne sais pas ot le trouver encore. Est-ce que vous
pouvez me montrer le route a la train?”

“Let’s look for it together,’ said the stranger
genially. “I don’t speak French, either.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 107

FUSSINESS

The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his
toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on
its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He
made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-
file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin re-
garded his operations with rounded eyes, and at last
broke forth:

“By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet
much trouble to yerself?”

GENDER

It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as lay-
men, with the following question, because they are not
always learned in the Old Testament.

“If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was
the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?”

Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was che
father of Joab, necessarily. That is not the correct
answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah was a woman.
And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing what-
ever to do with the case.

GENTLEMAN

There has been much controversy for years as to the
proper definition of the much abused word “gentle-

a)

man.” Finally, by a printer’s error in prefixing un
 108 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a
gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy
point. A contributor’s letter to a metropolitan daily
appeared as follows:

“Sir I can recall no better description of a gentle-
man than this 

““A gentleman is one who never gives offense unin-
tentionally.

> 99

GEOGRAPHY

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had
lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he
was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious
to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He
put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly
assembled. The answer was explicit:

“You've come down in Deacon Peck’s north medder
lot.”

GHOSTS

There was a haunted house down South which was
carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But
a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged
of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any
ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dol-
lars cash in hand paid, he would pass the night alone
in the haunted house. A score of other darkies con-
tributed, and the required amount was raised. It was
not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 109

his reappearance after the vigil. With this understand-
ing the boaster betook himself to the haunted house for
the night.

When a select committee sought for Sam next morn-
ing, no trace of him was found. Careful search for
three days failed to discover the missing negro.

But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street,
covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue.

“Hi, dar, nigger!’ one of the bystanders shouted.
*‘Whar you-all been de las’ foh days?”

And Sam answered simply:

“Ah’s been comin’ back.”

GOD

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil
and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was
doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable
pride:

“I’m drawing a picture of God.”

“But,” gasped the shocked mother, “you cannot do
that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God
looks.”

“Well,” the little boy replied, complacently, “when
I get through they will.”’

GOD’S WILL

The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son
and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited
a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted
to reassure her:
 710 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Oh, it’s dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it
and beat it, and it’s deader ’n dead.”

His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that some-
thing more was due to that reverend presence. So he
continued in a tone of solemnity:

“Yes, we beat it and beat it until until God called it
home!”

GOLF

The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce
plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with
only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day
recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.

“IT fancy I play the worst game in the world,’ he
confessed to the caddy.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that, sir,’ was the consoling
response. “From what the boys were saying about an-
other gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even
than you are.”

“What’s his name?” asked the statesman hopefully.

And the caddy replied:

“Arbuthnot-Joyce.”

GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the
dinner table, following the church service, the father
called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly
embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired,
not only from the excitement of the special service
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 111

through which he had passed, but also from walking to
and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was
very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal.
Despite his protest, however, the father insisted.

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a
pious air, closed his eyes tight, bent his head reverently,
and spoke his prayer:

“O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!”

% * *

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his
visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted
the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman
nodded vigorously.

“Yes, sir,’ she declared with pious zeal, “I believe
in it, and, praise the Lord! I practise it!”

GRAMMAR

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman
shouting from a window down the street was calling to
the little girl minding baby brother close by on the
curb.

“Your mother is calling you,” she said kindly.

The little girl corrected the lady:

“Her ain’t a-callin’ we. Us don’t belong to she.”

* * *
The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to
the Maypole dance. ‘No, I ain’t going,’ was the reply.

The teacher corrected the child:
“You must not say, ‘I ain’t going,’ you must say, ‘IT
 112 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
am not going.’’’ And she added to impress the point:
“TI am not going. He is not going. We are not going.
You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear,
can you say all that?”

The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.

“Sure!” she replied. “They ain’t nobody going.”

* % *%

The witness, in answer to the lawyer’s question, said:

“Them hain’t the boots what was stole.”

The judge rebuked the witness sternly:

“Speak grammatic, young man speak grammatic!
You shouldn’t ought to say, ‘them boots what was stole,
you should ought to say, ‘them boots as was stealed.’ ”

GRASS

The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale,
waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the
rich expanse of herbage, and shouted:

“Now, then, how much am I offered for this field?
Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That’s exactly the
sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would have given two
hundred dollars an acre for.”

GREED

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the
physician. After expressing her realization of the fact
that his services had been of a sort that could not be
fully paid for, she continued:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 113

“But I hope you will accept as a token from me this
purse which I myself have embroidered.”

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that
the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not
merely in gratitude, and he added:

“Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain
a family.”

“What is your fee?” the woman inquired.

“Two hundred dollars,’ was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five
€100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the dis~
comfited physician, then took her departure.

GRIEF

At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the
evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rend-
ingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to
restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.

The next day, a friend who had been at the wake en-
countered the widower on the street and spoke sympa-
thetically of the great woe displayed by the man.

“Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?” the
stricken husband inquired anxiously, and when he was
answered in the negative, continued proudly: “It’s a
pity ye weren’t there. Ye ought to have seen the way
T cut up.”

* ¥ *

The old woman in indigent circumstances was ex-
plaining to a visitor, who found her at breakfast, a long
category of trials and tribulations.
 114 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“And,” she concluded, “this very morning, I woke up
at four o'clock, and cried and cried till breakfast time,
and as soon as I finish my tea I’ll begin again, and
probably keep it up all day.”

HABIT

It was the bridegroom’s third matrimonial undertak-
ing, and the bride’s second. When the clergyman on
whom they had called for the ceremony entered the par-
lor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made
no effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the
service, he directed them, ‘“‘Please, stand up.”

The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride
stared back at him, and then both regarded the clergy-
man, while the man voiced their decision in a tone that
was quite polite, but very firm:

“We have ginerally sot.”

% ¥ *

It is a matter of common knowledge that there have
been troublous times in Ireland before those of the
present. In the days of the Land League, an Irish
Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding
court in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury
entered the court-room at the beginning of the session,
the bailiff directed them to take their accustomed places.
, And every man of them walked forward into the
dock,
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 115

HAIR

The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned
that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair,
chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented:

“Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of
snakes any time you want an extry puff.”

HARD TO PLEASE

The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had
taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily
at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threaten-
ing bass voice:

“What the blazes d’ye mean, photographin’ my wife?
I saw ye when ye done it.”

The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:

“You're mistaken, really! I wouldn’t think of doing
such a thing.”

“Ye wouldn’t, eh?” the surly husband growled, still
more savagely. “And why not? I’d like to know. She’s
the handsomest woman on the beach.”

HASTE

The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and
was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi
jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed
a letter to the governor, with a plea for executive clem-
 116 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his
urgent need:

“Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail
fixin’ to hang me on Friday mornin’ and here it is Wed-
nesday already.”

HEARSAY

The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It
was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling
wires against him, and spreading false reports con-
cerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to
the governor:

“Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve
heared youve heared a lie.”

HEAVEN

The clergyman in the following story probably did
not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature
being what it is, maybe it was true enough.

A parishioner meeting the parson in the street in-
quired : .

“When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?”

“Never, never again!” the minister declared solemnly.
“The deacon is in heaven!”

HELP

The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfac-
tory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 117

“How’s that new hand o’ your’n?”
“Cuss the critter!’ was the bitter reply. “He ain’t a
hand he’s a sore thumb,”

x * *

A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing
much damage. When two men tried to drive it out, the
animal charged. One of the two climbed a tree, the
other dodged, and laid hold on the boar’s tail. He hung
on desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round
and round the tree. Finally, the man shouted between
gasps:

“For heaven’s sake, Bill, climb down here, and help
me leggo this ornery old hog!”

HELPFULNESS

Many a mayor is a friend to the people just like
his honor in the following story.

A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar
in a small city, and explained himself and his business
there as follows: |

“My name is O’Rafferty. And my cellar is full of
wather, and my hins will all be drowned intirely if it
ain’t fixed. And I’m here to inform yez that I’m wantin’
it fixed.”

It was explained to the complainant that the remedy
for his need must be sought at the office of the mayor,
and he therefore departed to interview that official.

After an interval of a few days, O’Rafferty made a
second visit to the office of the registrar.

“Sure, and I’ve come agin to tell yez that my cellar
 118 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

is now fuller of water than ever it was before. And I’m
tellin’ yez that I want it fixed, and I’m a man that car-
ries votes in my pocket.”

The registrar again explained that he was powerless
in the matter, and that the only recourse must be to the
mayor.

“The mayor is ut!’ O’Rafferty snorted. “Sure and
didn’t I see the mayor? [I did thot! And what did the
mayor say to me? Huh! he said, ‘Mr. O’Rafferty, why
don’t you keep ducks?’ ”

HEN

The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in
the London shop said:

“Them are fresh which has a hen on ’em.”
“But I don’t see any hen.”
The clerk explained patiently.

“Not the fowl, mum, but the letter hen. Hen stands
for noo-laid.”

HEREAFTER

This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little
boy:

“What are you bawling about, Jimmie?”

“T’m cryin’ because maw has wented to heaven.”

“That’s silly. Maybe she hain’t.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 119

Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven,
and seemed pleased to be assured that she would have
wings and harp and crown.

“And candy, too, mamma?”
The mother shook her head.

“Anyhow,” Alice declared, “I’m tickled we have suci
« fine doctor.”’

HEREDITY

The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was some-
what self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog,
and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her
little daughter.

“How do you like your new little brother?” she asked
the child teasingly.

The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:

“He looks just like his muvver.”

HIGH PRICES

Two men were talking together in the Public Library.
One of them said:

“The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it’s gone
to?”

The other, who knew something of literature in its
various phases, answered cynically:

“It’s gone up to a dollar and ninety cents.”
 120 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

HINDSIGHT

Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled
when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he
put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further
result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder
later with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As
he raised himself into a sitting position, a fellow work-
man asked solicitously:

“Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?”

Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the
seat of his overalls, and shook his head.

“No,” he declared in a tone of awe, “I’m not kilt, but
I’m terrible twisted.”

* % ¥

A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for
the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a
mighty leap, and covered the intervening space, then
fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for
about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared
dazedly over the wide expanse of water between boat
and shore.

“Holy hop-toads!’’ he exclaimed in a tone of profound
awe. “What a jump!”

HINTING

A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device
for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper:
“There i$ a little matter that Some of our $ub$criber$
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 121

have Seemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have
made u$ many promi$e$, but have not kept them. To
u$ it if a very important matter it’$ nece$$ary in our
bu$ine$$. We are very mode$t and don’t like to $peak
about $uch remi$$ne$$.”

HISTORY

The faculty were arranging the order of examina-
tions. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be
placed first in the list. It was proposed that history
should have the final place. The woman teacher of that
subject protested:

“But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects,” the
head of the faculty declared.

The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:

“Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my
method, it is a very difficult study, and most perplexing.”

Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged
negro whose proud boast was that he had been the body
servant of George Washington. As he was very old
indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made
the most of his historical pretentions. He was full of
anecdotes concerning the Father of His Country, and ex-
ploited himself in every tale. His favorite narrative
was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master,
which was as follows:

“Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over
 122 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

dar by de fo’ks. Gen’l Washin’ton, he knowed dat ob.
Co’nwallis, he gwine pass dis way, an’ ’im an’ me, we
done hid behin’ de bushes an’ watched. Yassuh, an’
when ole Co’nwallis, he come by, Gen’] Washin’ton, he
jumped out at ’im, an’ he grab ’im by de collah, an’ he
say, ‘Yoh blame’ ole rascal, dat de time what Ah done
gone cotch ye!”

HOGS

The professor and his wife were doubtful about re-
turning to the farm on which they had passed the previ-
ous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed
by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the ob-
jectionable feature. He received the following reply:

“We hain’t had no hogs on the place since you was
here last summer. Be sure to come.”

HOLDING HiS OWN

The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony
farm, announced to all and sundry:

“Anyhow, I’m holdin’ my own. I hadn’t nothin’
when I come here, an’ I haven’t nothin’ now.”

HOME BREW

The young man had offered his heart and hand to the
fair damsel.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 123

“Before giving you my decision,’ she said sweetly,
“I wish to ask you a question.” Then, as he nodded
assent: “Do you drink anything?”

The young man replied without an instant of hesita-
tion and proudly:

“Anything !”’

And she fell into his arms.

HOMESICKNESS

One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his
first enthusiasm under the bitter experience of cam-
paigning. One night at the front in France, while his
company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant dis-
covered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly.
The officer spoke roughly:

‘Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?”

“I wish I was in my daddy’s barn!” replied the
soldier in a plaintive voice. |

“In your daddy’s barn!” the astonished lieutenant
exclaimed. “What for? What would you do if you
were in your daddy’s barn?”

“If I was in my daddy’s barn,” the youth explained
huskily through a choking sob, “I’d go into the house
mighty quick!’

HONEYMOON

The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel.
The bride left the groom in their room while she went
out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in
 124 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to tlic
door, on which she tapped daintily.

“I’m back, honey let me in,’ she murmured with
wishful tenderness. But there was no answer vouch-
safed to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly,
and raised her voice somewhat to call again:

“Honey, honey  it’s Susie! Let me in!”

Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded
through the door:

“Madam, this is not a beehive; it’s a bathroom!”

HONORABLE INTENTIONS

A certain man notorious for his slowness paid atten-
tion for two years to a young lady, without coming to
the point. The girl’s father thought it time for him tu
interfere. On the swain’s next. visit, the father inter-
viewed him:

“Clinton, you’ve been settin’ up with Nellie, an’ takin’
her to picnics, an’ to church an’ buggy-ridin’, an’
nothin’s come of it. So, now, Clinton, I ask you, as
man to man, what be your intentions?”

And Clinton responded unabashed:

“Well, answerin’ you as man to man, I’ll say there
hain’t no cause for you to ruffle your shirt. My inten-
tions is honorable but remote.”

HOSPITAL

Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten.
It was found that an operation was necessary for the
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 125

child’s cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The
mother promised that if she would be very brave during
this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten
to be found.

As Mary was coming out from the influence of the
anesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering, and stooping,
heard these words:

“It’s a bum way to get a cat.”

HOSPITALITY

The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests
for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little
boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table
for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which
he laid on the guest’s plate. The visitor smiled in rec-
ognition of the lad’s thoughtfulness, popped the cheese
into his mouth, and then remarked:

“You must have sharper eyes than your mother,
sonny. Where did you find it?”

The boy replied with a flush of pride:

“In the rat-trap.”

HUMBUG

Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles
Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings
of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper and the head of
a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird
monster. With the composite creature in a box, they
visited Darwin,
 126 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this
is?”’ the spokesman asked.

The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit
and a long glance at the boys.

“Did it hum?” he inquired solemnly.

The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:

“Oh, yes, sir.”

“Well, then,” Darwin declared, “it is a humbug.”

HUMIDITY

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against
playing on the lawn when it was damp. Saturday eve-
ning, his father heard him recite a Scripture verse
learned for the Sunday school.

“*Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground

 

whereon thou standest is >” He halted at a loss.
“Is what, my boy?” asked the father.
“Is damp.”

HUMILITY

The slow suitor asked:

“Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?”

“Oh, Edward,” the girl gushed, “how delightfully
humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept.”

HUNGER

“That woman never turns away a hungry man.”
“Ah, genuinely charitable!”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 127

“Hardly that. She says, ‘Are you so hungry you
want to saw some wood for a dinner?’ And the answer
is, ‘No.’ ”’

HUNTING

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and
gun, but brought home no game. A friend twitted
him with his failure:

“Didn’t you shoot anything at all>?”

The honest fellow nodded miserably.

“I shot my dog.”

“Why?” his questioner demanded. ‘Was he mad?”

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.

“Not exactly mad,” he asserted; “and not so darned
tickled neither!”

IDENTITY

The paying teller told mournfully of his experience
with a strange woman who appeared at his wicket to
have a check cashed.

“But, madam,” he advised her, “you will have to get
some one to introduce you before I can pay you the
money on this check.”

The woman stared at him disdainfully.

“Sir! she said haughtily. “I wish you to under-
stand that I am here strictly on business. I am not
making a social call, I do not care to know you.”
 128 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

IDIOMS

The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of
colloquial expressions in English, was speaking of the
serious illness of a distinguished statesman.

“It would be a great pity,” he declared, “if such a
splendid man should kick the ghost.”

* * %

The old man told how his brother made a hazardous
descent into a well by standing in the bucket while
those above operated the windlass.

“And what happened?” one of the listeners asked as
the aged narrator paused.

The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly,
in a tone of sorrowing reminiscence:

“He kicked the bucket.”

ILLUSTRATION

Pat was set to work with the circular saw during
his first day at the saw mill. The foreman gave care-
ful instructions how to guard against injury, but no
sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from
the novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already
lost a finger.

“Now, how did that happen?” the foreman demanded.

“Sure,” was the explanation, “I was jist doin’ like
this when, bejabers, there’s another gone!”

 
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 129

IMPATIENCE

An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired
of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously
ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally. an-
swered in a tone of fretful dejection:

“Seems like Elmiry’s falin’ drefful slow. Dinged if

> 99

I don’t wish as how she’d git well, or somethin’.

IMPUDENCE

The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A
small boy, with his skates on his arm, knocked at the
door of the Civil War veteran, who had lost a leg at
Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man,
the boy asked:

“Are you going out to-day, sir?”

“Well, no, I guess not, sonny,’ was the answer.
“Why?”

“If you ain’t,” the boy suggested, “I thought I might
like to borrow your wooden leg to play hockey.”

INDIRECTION

The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the su-
preme effort:

“Er Jenny, do you think er your mother might
 er seriously consider er becoming my er 
mother-in-law ?”
 130 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

INHERITANCE

A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation
where a gang was working, and called the name of
Timothy O’Toole.

“Who’s wantin’ me?” inquired a heavy voice.

“Mr. O’Toole,”’ the lawyer asked, “did you come
from Castlebar, County Mayo?”
“I did that.”

“And your mother was named Bridget and your
father Michael?”

“They was.”

“It is my duty, then,” said the lawyer, “to inform
you, Mr. O’Toole, that your Aunt Mary has died in
Towa, leaving you an estate of sixty thousand dollars.”

There was a short silence below, and then a lively
commotion.

“Are you coming, Mr. O’Toole?” the lawyer called
down.

“In wan minute,” was bellowed in answer. “I’ve
just stopped to lick the foreman.”

It required just six months of extremely riotous living
for O’Toole to expend all of the sixty thousand dollars.
His chief endeavor was to satisfy a huge inherited
thirst.

Then he went back to his job. And there, presently,
the lawyer sought him out again.

“It’s your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O’Toole,”
the lawyer explained. “He has died in Texas, and left
you forty thousand dollars.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 131

O’Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his
head in great weariness.

“TI don’t think I can take it,” he declared. ‘I’m not
as strong as I wance was, and I misdoubt me that I
could go through all that money and live.”

* *% *

In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played.
The aged king tottered to and fro on the stage as he
declaimed :

“On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the
crown?”

A voice came down from the gallery:

“Hi saye, guv nor, myke it ’arf a crewn apiece.”

* * *

Said one Tommy to another:

“That’s a snortin’ pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen
on it?”

“It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to
take me prisoner,” was the answer. “Inherited it from

him.”’

INITIATIVE

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her
particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and
concluded by saying: |

“It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of
Jenny’s hair.”

“TI shouldn’t be surprised,” the child replied musingly.
“But,” she added proudly, ‘“‘kicking her in the shins was
entirely my own idea.”
 132 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

INJUSTICE

The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-
by asked him what was the matter.

“My ma, she’s gone and drowned the kittens,’ the
boy wailed.

“Oh, isn’t that too bad!” was the sympathetic re-
sponse.

The child bawled the louder.

“‘An’ ma she promised me that I could drown ’em.”

INNOCENCE

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery
with the door closed and fastened when her little
brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The
following was the dialogue:

“I wants to tum in, Sissy.”

“But you tan’t tum in, Tom.”

“But I wants to.”

“Well, I’se in my nightie gown an’ nurse says little
boys mus’n’t see little girls in their nightie gowns.”

There was a period of silence during which the aston-
ished little boy reflected on the mystery. It was ended
by Sissy’s calling out:

“You tan tum in now, Tom I tooked it off.”

* * *

The very young clergyman made his first parochial
call. He tried to admire the baby, and asked how
old it was.

“Just ten weeks old,’ the proud mother replied.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 133

And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:
“And is it your youngest?”

INQUISITIVENESS

In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an
empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an in-
quisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his
curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:

“I beg pardon, sir, but I see you’ve lost an arm.”

The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in
his remaining hand, and felt of it with every evidence
of astonishment.

“Bless my soul!” he exclaimed. “I do believe you're
right.”

x * %&

The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the
fact that his seatmate had his right arm in a sling, and
the following dialogue occurred:

“You broke your arm, didn’t you?”

“Well, yes, I did.”

“Had an accident, I suppose?”

“Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on
the back.”

“My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you
want to pat yourself on the back for?’

“Just for minding my own business.”

INSOMNIA

The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes
a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is
the preacher.
 134 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

INSULT

The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his
return from the day’s work.

“Oh, Willie, darling,” she gasped, “I have been so
insulted !”’

“Insulted!”” Willie exclaimed wrathfully. ‘“Insulted
by whom?”

“By your mother!” the wife declared, and sobbed
aloud.

The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.

“By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that’s non-
sense. She’s a hundred miles away.”

“But she did,” the wife insisted. “A letter came to
you this morning, and it was addressed in your mother’s
writing, so, of course, I opened it.”

“Oh, yes, of course,’ Willie agreed, without any
enthusiasm.

“And it was written to you all the whole way through,

>?

 

every word of it, except
“Except what?”
“Except the postscript,’ the wife flared. ‘That was
the insult that was to me.” The tears flowed again.
“It said: ‘P. Si Dear Ella, don’t fail to give this letter
to Willie. I want him to read it.’”’

% % %

Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his
mouth. He claimed that he had been insulted by a
deacon of his church.

“When I stood up in the class meeting, to relatc

my experience,’ Corwin explained, “and opened my
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 185

mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said, ‘Will some
brother please close that window, and keep it closed!”

INSURANCE

The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the
costs, amounts paid, etc.

“So,” she concluded, “if I pay five dollars, you pay
me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you
ask questions about how the fire came to start?”

“We make careful investigation, of course,” the agent
replied.

The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.

“Just as I thought,’ she called over her shoulder.
“TI knew there was a catch in it.”

INTERMISSION

During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the
crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute inter-
mission. After contemplating the audience for a few
minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:

“Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will pro-
ceed with the lecture.”

INVENTORS

The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in
his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver
and cut glass at his wife, and remarked enviously:

“These inventors make the money. Take cleaners,
now. I'll bet that feller Vacuum has cleared millions.”
 136 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ITEMS

The painter was required to render an itemized bill
for his repairs on various pictures in a convent. The

statement was as follows:

Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments.. 6.00
Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon

on his bonnet............. cc cece eee e ee eeee 3.06
Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and

mended his bill......... ee ec e ce ee ee wees 4.08
Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and

straightened his eye................-.- 2... 2.06
Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guard-

Jan Angel ............ cece ccc cece e en eenes 5.06
Washed the servant of the High Priest and put

carmine on his cheeks................0e200e 2.04

Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the
sun and cleaned the moon...........e2ceecee 8.02

Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored
Some SOUIS....... ccc ee ec ee ee ee ee ee tees eee 3.06
Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the
devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd
jobs for the damned............c cece ee eeees 4.10
Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and
dressing on his sack.............ee ee eeceoes 2.00
Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his
WI ...ee, See e eee eee e eee eee c eee eens 3.07
Cleaned the ears of Balaam’s ass, and shod him.. 2.08

Put earrings in the ears of Sarah.............. 5.00
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 137

Put a new stone in David’s sling, enlarged Goliath’s

hand and extended his legs.................. 2.00
Decorated Noah’s Ark............... 0c eee 1.20
Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned

the Pigs... cc ec cece cree ccc ercescecens 1.00

53.83
JOKES

The joke maker’s association had a feast. They ex-
ploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry,
save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this
melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment.
He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a
conundrum:

“What is the difference between me and a turkey?”

When none could guess the answer, the glum indi-
vidual explained:

“I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after
they are dead.”

KINSHIP

The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be
when we consider his explanation:

“They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he’s a boy,
an’ one twin, she’s a girl, an’ so I’m a uncle an’ a aunt.”

*% * *

The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook,
 138 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Matilda, concerning a raid made on the chicken-house
during the night.

“You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda,
and it seems to me you must have heard the noise when
those thieves were stealing the chickens.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Matilda admitted, with an expression
of grief on her dusky features. “I heerd de chickens
holler, an’ I heerd the voices ob de men.”

“Then why didn’t you go out and stop them?” the
mistress demanded.

Matilda wept.

“Case, ma’am,” she exclaimed, “I know’d my old
fadder was dar, an’ I wouldn’t hab him know I’se los’
confidence in him foh all de chickens in de world. If
I had gone out dar an’ kotched him, it would have
broke his ole heart, an’, besides, he would hab made me
tote de chickens home foh him.”

KISSES

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous con-
dition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at
the close of the ceremony:

“Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?”

The clergyman might have replied:

“Not yet, but soon.”

* * *

The young man addressed the old grouch:
“When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed
her candy, and given her supper, and taken her home
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 139

in a taxi, shouldn’t she let a fellow kiss her good-
night?”

The old grouch snorted.

“Humph! He’s already done more than enough for
her.”’

KISSING

The subject of kissing was debated with much earn-
estness for a half hour between the girl and her young
man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always
possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she
chose to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in
Maintaining that such was not the case. Finally, it
was decided that the only solution of the question must
be by a practical demonstration one way or the other.
So, they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on.
After a lively tussle, they broke away. The girl had
been kissed ardently for a period of minutes. Her
comment showed an undaunted spirit:

“Oh, well, you really didn’t win fair. My foot
slipped . . . Let’s try it again.”

*% * %

The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His
Uncle Bill picked the child up, with the remark:

“Now I’ll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone.”
- The youngster recovered his smiles under the treat-
ment, and then, as he was set down, addressed his uncle
eagerly:

“Come down in the kitchen the cook has the tooth-
ache.”
 140 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious,
for the readiness with which they could expound any
passage of Scripture. It is recorded of a certain elder
that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth
Psalm, he misread the sentence, “Keep thy tongue from
evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.” He carelessly
read the last two words: “squeaking girls.” But the
astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or
cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded
instantly and solemnly:

“It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the
Scripture does not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in
Christianity everything is to be done decently and in
order, we are here encouraged by this passage to choose
rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to
those that squeak under the operation.

LAUGHTER

Josh Billings said:
“Laff every time yu pheel tickled and laff once in a
while enny how.”

LAW

The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:

“T charge five dollars for advising you as to just what
the law permits you to do. For giving you advice as to
the way you can safely do what the law forbids, my
minimum fee is one hundred dollars.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 141
LAWYERS

There was a town jail, and there was a county jail.
The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was
approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languish-
ing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client
as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to
obtain a ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as
necessary to secure the prisoner’s release. Thereupon,
the old colored man drew forth a large roll of bills, and
peeled off a ten. The lawyer’s greedy eyes popped.

“What jail is your son in?” he inquired craftily.
“In the county jail.”

“In the county jail!’ was the exclamation in a tone
of dismay. ‘“That’s bad very bad. It will cost you
at least fifty dollars.”

* * %

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always
on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the
health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a class
enjoy good health.

LEGERDEMAIN

“What did you do last night?”
“T went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on

Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted
it.”’
 142 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

LENT

“Did you give up anything during Lent?’ one man
asked another.

“Yes,” was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. “I
gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet.”

LIARS

The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War
to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these
is based on the fact that furloughs were especially diffi-
cult to obtain when the Unicen army was in front of
Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was re-
solved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went
to the colonel’s tent, and was permitted to enter. He
saluted, and delivered himself thus:

“Colonel, I’ve come to ax you to allow me the pleasure
of a furlough for a visit home. I’ve been in the field
now three years, an’ never home yet to see me family.
An’ I jest had a letter from me wife wantin’ av me to
come home to see her an’ the children.”

The colonel shook his head decisively.

“No, Mike,” he replied. “I’m sorry, but to tell the
truth, I don’t think you ought to go home. I’ve jest
had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn’t want
you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get
drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you'd
better stay right here until your term of service ex-
pires.”’

“All right, sir,’ Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 143

saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced
about.

“Colonel dear,” he inquired in a wheedling voice,
would ye be after pardonin’ me for a brief remark jist
at this toime?”’

“Yes, certainly,” the officer assented.

“Ye won't git mad an’ put me in the guard house for
freein’ me mind, so to spake?”

“No, indeed! Say what you wish to.”

“Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I’m afther thinkin’ thar
are at the prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest
liars in all the Army of the Potomic, an’ sure I’m one
av thim I have no wife.”

LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sun-
day in the summer time observed that many among the
congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused,
and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an
incident that had no connection whatever with his ser-
mon. This was to the following effect:

“I was once riding along a country road. I came to
the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the
most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a
sow with a litter of ten little pigs. ‘This sow and each
of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of
the forehead between the ears.”

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the
congregation. Everybody was now wide-awake. He
thereupon remarked:

“Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I
 144 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now
when you have heard a whopping lie, you are all wide-
awake.”

LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious,
and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of
thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a
religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with
din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise
of the elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplica-
tion:

“O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for
Thou knowest that feathers are splendid non-con-
ductors.”

LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

“Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?”

“Yeth, ma’am,” Jennie replied, beaming. “A panther
ith a man who makes panth.”’

LITERAL

The class had been told by the teacher to write com-
positions in which they must not attempt any flights of
fancy, but should only state what was really in them.
The star production from this command was a composi-
tion written by a boy who was both sincere and pains-
taking. It ran as follows:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 145

“TI shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright
just what is really in me. In me there is my stommick,
lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes and my dinner.”

LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general
store of the village, and inquired:

“Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?”

“Yep, the store-keeper answered briskly, “life-pre-
servers, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts,
an’ sich,”

LOGIC

The mother came on her little son who was stand-
ing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the gar-
den. She noted that his expression was both puzzled
and distressed.

“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked
tenderly.

“I’m finkin, muvver,’ the boy answered.

“What about, little man?”

“Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?”

“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”

The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but
the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:

“Then, muvver, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”

LOQUACITY

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen
holes without a word exchanged between them. As they
 146 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie,
and muttered:

*“Dormie.”

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:

“Chatter-r-rbox !”

LOVE

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference
between life and love:

“Life is just one fool thing after another: love is
just two fool things after each other.”

LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT

The little girl came in tears to her mother.

“God doesn’t love me,” she sobbed.

“Of course, God loves you,’ the mother declared.
“‘How did you ever come to get such an idea?”

“No,” the child persisted, “He doesn’t love me. I
know I tried Him with a daisy.”

LUCK

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at
poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things:

“Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure
is queer how things will turn out. I’ve sot hour after
hour in them games, without ever takin’ a pot. And
then, ‘long about four o’clock in the mornin’, the luck’d
turn it’d take a turn for the worse.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 147

“How did you find your steak?” asked the waiter of
@ patron in the very expensive restaurant.

“Just luck,” the hungry man replied, sadly. ‘I hap-
pened to move that small piece of potato, and there it
was!”

* * *

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph
concerning the murder as follows:

“Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all
of his money in the bank the day before. He lost prac-
tically nothing but his life.”

* % *

The editor of the country paper went home to supper,
smiling radiantly.

‘““Have you had some good luck?” his wife questioned.

“Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who
hasn’t paid his subscription for ten years, came in and
stopped his paper.”

LUNACY

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a
man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by.
It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of
the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clear-
ness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched
fisherman:

“Caught anything?”

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head
glumly.
 148 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“How long you been there?” the lunatic next de-
manded.

“Three hours,” was the answer.

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an

>

invitation:
“‘Come inside!”

LUXURY

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of ac-
itive service, gave his body servant, long his orderly,
explicit instructions:

“Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake
me up, and say, “Time for the parade, sir.’

“Then, I’ll say, ‘Damn the parade!’ and turn over
and go to sleep again.”

LYING

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, de-
claring:

“I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed,
and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want
to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him.
the money.”

“You are excused,’ the judge announced in a very
cold voice. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can
lie like you.”

% &

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a
deliberate lie. With tears in her eyes, and a catch in
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 149

her voice, she sought to impress upon him the enormity
of his offense.

“Do you know,” she questioned severely, “what hap-
pens to little boys who tell falsehoods?”

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the
mother explained carefully:

“Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head
and one eye in the center of his forehead, comes along
and grabs the little boy who has told a falsehood, and
flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there sift-
ing ashes all the rest of his life. You won’t ever tell
another falsehood, will you, darling? It’s wicked!”

Mother’s baby boy regarded the speaker with round-
eyed admiration.

“Oh, ma,” he gurgled, “what a whopper!”

>

MAIDENS

“I wish I could know how many men will be made
wretched when I get married,’ said the languishing
coquette to her most intimate confidante.

“T’ll tell you,” came the catty answer, “if you'll tell
me how many men you're going to marry.”

MAIDEN SPEECH

The unhappy man explained the cause of his
wretchedness:

“T’ve never made a speech in my life. But last night
at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making
some remarks, and I got up, and began like this:

“As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me.”
 150 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

MANNERS

It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a recep-
tion in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a
high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the
prelate’s expression of annoyance, the Prince drew him-
self haughtily erect, and said, “I am Herbert Bis-
marck.”’

“Ah,” replied the churchman, “that fact is perhaps an
apology; certainly, it is a complete explanation.”

* % *

The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee
and rolls at the lunch counter. He was served by the
waitress, and there was no saucer for the cup.

“What about the saucer?” he asked.

The girl explained:

“‘We don’t hand out saucers no more. We found, if
we did, like’s not, some low-brow would drift in an’
drink out of the saucer, an’ that ain't good fer trade.
This here is a swell dump.”

x * +

After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in
the street car made humble apology to the woman. She
listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end,
spoke very much to the point:

“That's it! Walk all over a body’s feet, an’ then
blat about how sorry you be. Well, I jest want you to
understand that if I wasn’t a puffick lady, I’d slap your
dirty face!”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 151

MARKSMANSHIP

During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town,
the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got
shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done
celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens
pounded on the doctor’s door, until he thrust his head
out of a window.

“Whazzamazzer?” he called down.
“Comea-runnin’, Doc. Joe Jinks ’s been shot.”
“‘Whereabouts shot?”

“In the laig.”

“Some shootin’!’”? And the doctor slammed the win-
dow shut.

MARRIAGE

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

¥ *% *

The mild little husband was appealing to the court
for protection from the large, bony belligerent and
baleful female who was his wife.

“Let us begin at the beginning,’ said the judge.
“Where did you first meet this woman who has thus
abused you?”

The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere ex-
cept at his wife as he replied:

“I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest
naturally overtook me.”
 152 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

An African newspaper recently carried the following
advertisement:
Wanted
Small nicely furnished house, nice
locality, from August Ist, for
nearly married couple.

* *% *

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being per-
formed for the blushing young bride and the elderly
gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was
a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests
were startled, but a member of the bridegroom’s family
explained:

“That’s only our Jane. She always cries when Pa
is gettin’ married.”

*% * %

The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a
certain negro on her colored cook.

“You told me,” she protested to the cook, “that you
had no man friends. But this fellow is in the kitchen
all the time.”

“Dat nigger, he hain’t no friend o’ mine,” the cook

declared scornfully. ‘‘Him, he’s jes’ my ’usban’.

* % *%

Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided
to move into town in spite of the fact that he had al-
ways declared himself a lover of life in the country.
But his explanation was clear and conclusive.

“My third wife, Mirandy, she don’t like the country,
an’ what Mirandy she don’t like, I jist nacherly hev
to hate.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 153

The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay
back to her the dollar he had borrowed the week before.

“But,” the husband protested indignantly, “I’ve al-
ready paid that dollar back to you twice! You can’t
expect me to pay it again!’

“Oh, very well,” the wife retorted with a contemptu-
ous sniff, “never mind, since you are as mean as that.”

% * %

The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in
a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his
life. He announced a desperate purpose:

“I’m going to get married. Im bossed by pa an ma,
an’ teacher, an’ I ain’t going to stan’ for it. I’m going
to get married right smack off. A married man ain’t

bossed by nobody ’cept his wife.”
x * *

The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny
in proportion. The man was a short five feet, anemic
and wobegone. The woman haled him before the jus-
tice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go
to jail.

“Did you promise to marry this lady?” the justice
asked.

“Guilty, your honor,’ was the answer.

The justice turned to the woman: “Are you deter-
mined to marry this man?”

“I am!’ she snapped.

“Join hands,’ the justice commended. \When they
had done so he raised his own right hand impressively
and spoke solemnly:

“I pronounce you twain woman and husband.”
 154 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A lady received a visit from a former maid three
months after the girl had left to be married.

“And how do you like being married?” the lady in-
quired.

The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:

“Oh, it’s fine, ma’am getting married is! Yes’m,
it’s fine! but, land’s sake, ma’am,” she added suddenly,
“ain’t it tedious!”

* * *%

The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, re-
turned a week later to the bureau, and asked to have
another name substituted for that of the lady.

“I done changed mah mind,” he announced. The
clerk remarked that the change would cost him another
dollar and a half for a new license.

“Is that the law?” the colored man demanded in dis-
tress. The clerk nodded, and the applicant thought
hard for a full minute:

“Gee!” he said at last. ‘Never mind, boss, this ole
one will do. There ain’t a dollar and a half difference
in them niggers no how.”

* *% *

The New England widower was speaking to a friend
confidentially a week after the burial of his deceased
helpmate.

“I’m feelin’ right pert,’ he admitted; “pearter’n I’ve
felt afore in years. You see, she was a good wife. She
was a good-lookin’ woman, an’ smart as they make ’em,
an’ a fine housekeeper, an’ she always done her duty
by me an’ the children, an’ she warn’t sickly, an’ I
never hearn a cross word out o’ her in all the thutty year
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 155

we lived together. But dang it all! Somehow, I never
did like Maria. . . . Yes, I’m feelin’ pretty peart.”

* % *

There were elaborate preparations in colored society
for a certain wedding. The prospective bride had been
maid to a lady who met the girl on the street a week
after the time set for the ceremony and inquired con-
cerning it:

“Did you have a big wedding, Martha?”

“’Deed ah did, missus, ’deed ah did, de most splen-
diferous occasion ob de season.”

“Did you receive handsome presents?”

“Yes’m, yes'm, de hull house was jes’ crowded wiv
de gifts.”’

“And was your house nicely decorated?”

“Yes’m, yes'm. An’ everybody done wear der very
best, look jes’ lak a white-folks’ weddin’, yes’m.”’

“And yourself, Martha, how did you look?”

“Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yesm. Ah done
wore mah white bridal dress an’ orange blossoms, yes’m.
Ah was some kid.”

“And the bridegroom, how did he appear?”

“De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin’, low-down houn’
dawg, he didn’t show up at all, but we had a magnificious
occasion wivout him, jes’ de same!”

MERIT

Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan,
who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement.
She spoke with an air of fine pride:
 156 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“I’m afther havin’ a letter from me boy. He tells me
that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be re-
duced six months.”

Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing
the glad tidings.

“Sure, now, an’ what a comfort it must be t’ yez,
havin’ a son what does ye such credit.”

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece
of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and
proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened
along, and scowled at the sentry, whe paid no attention
to him whatever.

“Do you know who J am?” the officer demanded.

The sentry shook his head. ‘‘Mebby, the veterinarian,
or the barber, or mebby the colonel himself.” The
sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. But he wiltered
as the officer sternly declared his identity.

“Oh good land!” the recruit cried out in consternation.
“Please, hold this pie while I present arms.”

MISCELLANY

It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man
blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which
was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when
taken apart, the following articles were discovered:

Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen
suspender buttons, thirteen needles, eight cigarettes,
four photographs, two hundred and seventeen pins, some
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 157

grains of coffee,.a number of cloves, twenty-seven cuff-
buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of
homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps
of chewing-gum, fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight
matches, fourteen button-hooks, two switches, a trans-
formation and two plates of false teeth, which ap-
parently had bitten each other.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom
he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were
mule’s eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them
to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, select-
ing a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every
moment he could steal from his work. Came a day
when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the
hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke
open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an ad-
jacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat
chased it, shouting:

“Hi, thar! Stop! don’t yez know your own father?”

*% * %

The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered
his seat in the car to the self-assertive woman who had
entered and glared at him. She gave him no thanks
as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice
that filled the whole car:

“What are you standing up there for? Come here,
and sit on my lap.”

The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:
 158 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an
honor.”

“How dare you!” the woman boomed. “You know
perfectly well I was speaking to my niece behind you.”

* * *

The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady
sitting next to him in the car was a spinster, and sus-
picious of all males. So, since they were somewhat
crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between
her knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A
shower came up, and the woman when she left the car,
put up the umbrella. As she did so, she perceived that
the little man had followed her. She had guessed that
he was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly
down the side street, and the man pursued through the
driving rain. She ran up the steps of her home, and
rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to
the door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about
and addressed her pursuer angrily:

“How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do
you want, anyhow?”

The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke
pleadingly:

“If you please, ma’am, I want my umbrella.”
* * *

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he
must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at
three o'clock in the morning. He explained that violence
might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He
emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.

The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 159

Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter.
The colored man was in a highly disheveled state and
his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight
of the furious traveling man, who allowed no oppor-
tunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talk-
ing, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged
salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally,
and muttered:

“Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at
Cleveland.”

* * *

The assistant minister announced to the congregation
that a special baptismal service would be held the fol-
lowing Sunday at three o'clock in the afternoon, and
that any infants to receive the rite should be brought
to the church at that time.

The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his
assistant was speaking of the new hymnals, and he
added a bit of information:

“Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the
vestry for a dollar, or with red backs and speckled edges
for one dollar and a half.”

+ + *

The child went with her mother on a visit in New
Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the
strangeness of her surroundings, but the mother com-
forted her, saying:

“Remember, dear, God’s angels are all about you.”

A little later, a cry from the child called the mother
back into the room.
 160 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful,
mama, and they bite!”

* * +

The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother
gave Emma some instructions:

“If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks
how old you are, say you are eight years old; if he asks
who made you, say God made me.”

It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three
questions in that order, to the first two of which Emma
replied correctly. But it is also a fact that when the
minister propounded the third query, as to her origin, the
child hesitated, and then said:

“Mama did tell me the man’s name, but I’ve gone and
forgotten it.”

* % *

The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to
a party at the house of a neighbor, where, only a few
weeks earlier, a baby had been added to the family. On
the editor’s arrival at the house, he was met at the door
by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from
deafness. After the usual exchange of greetings, the
editor inquired concerning the health of the baby. The
hostess had a severe cold, and she now misunderstood
the visitor’s inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the
aghast editor who had asked about the baby that, al-
though she usually had one every winter, this was the
very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake at
night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed.
Having explained thus far, the good lady noticed the
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 161

flabbergasted air of her guest. She continued sympa-
thetically; saying that she could tell by his looks and the
way he acted that he was going to have one just like
hers. Then she insisted that, as a precautionary meas-
ure for the sake of his condition, he should come in out
of the draft and sit down and stay quiet.

MISMATED

A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules
for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough,
while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The
steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but
to run too. They came shortly into the village and went
tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the
young man shouted:

“Here we come darn our fool souls! Somebody head
us off!”

MIXED METAPHORS

A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself
on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its
idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of
his mother’s death:

“Regret to announce that hand which rocked the
cradle has kicked the bucket.”

MODESTY

A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving
for a London weekly wrote:
 162 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights
for a whole quarter of a century. . . . He delighted
in the company of third-rate people.”

MONEY TALKS

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an
elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a
plea for a small financial contribution. When he had
finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly
gentleman replied benignantly:

“My good friend, I have no money, but I can give
you some good advice.”

The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath
of disgust.

“If you hain’t got no money,” he jeered, “I reckon

> 33

your advice ain’t worth hearin’.

MONEY VALUE

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett
Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not
only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liber-
ality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands,
and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and
cents. In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served,
which had been grown on his estate, he wearied the
company by a careful calculation as to just how much
a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned
pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the
request:

“T’'ll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more,
please.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 163

MONOGAMY

The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of
the missionary:

“And you never let your husband beat you?”

“Certainly not,’ the Christian lady replied. “Why,
he wouldn’t dare to try such a thing!”

The oldest wife nodded understandingly.

“It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only
one wife.”

MONOTONY

The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.

“I’m going to have a little sister some day, ain’t I?”

“Why, dear, do you want one?”’

The child nodded seriously.

“Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin’ o’ tiresome teasin’
the cat.”

MORALITY

The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked
when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to
borrow her lawn-mower.

“The very idea,” she exclaimed to her maid, “of cut-
ting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they
can't have it. Tell them we haven't any lawn-mower.”’

MOSQUITOES

The visitor from another state talked so much con-
cerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes
that his host became somewhat peeved.
 164 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Funny!” the guest remarked. “You haven’t your
porch screened.”
“No,” the host snapped; “we’re using mouse-traps.”

*% * *%

A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning
the plague of mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened
respectfully explained a method by which the pests
might be endured. But this was in the days before pro-
hibition.

“My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them
animiles sholy splendiferous. Always when he come
home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don’t care
a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation. In the
mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters
so completely intoxicated they don’t care a cuss foh
Marse George, ner nobody!”

MOTTO

Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City
observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a
framed sign, reading:

“Ict on parle frangais.”

“TI don’t believe anybody talks French in that dump,”
one of the observers remarked.

To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger
ale of a red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably
Trish.

One of the men addressed the barkeeper:

“Fait beau temps, monsieur.”

The barkeeper scowled.

“Come agin!” he demanded.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 165

It was soon demonstrated that French was a language
unknown to the establishment.

The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign
in the window, explaining that it meant, “French is
spoken hege.”’

The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.

“I bought it off a sheeny,” he explained, “for six bits.
He tould me it was Latin for, ‘God Bless Our Home.’ ”’

MUSIC

Artemas Ward said:
“When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with

3?

me,
* * *%

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always
dined in restaurants where music was provided.

“Because it works two ways: sometimes the music
helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food
helps to make me forget the music.”

* * *

The young man, who was interested in natural his-
tory, was sitting on the porch one June evening with
his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic
shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the
village church down the street came the sounds of choir
practise. The young man gave his attention to the
former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke
eagerly:

“Oh, don’t it sound grand!’

The young man nodded, and answered:
 166 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Yes, indeed! and it’s interesting to think that they
do it all with their hind legs.”

% * *%

The boy violinist, played at a private musical ren-
dering a difficult concerto, which contained some par-
ticularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these
intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer,
and whispered loudly:

“Why don’t you play something that you know, my

boy?”
% * &

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the
crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against
his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader
as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed
patron snorted, and then asked:

“Would you be so kind as to play something by re-
quest?”

The leader bowed again and beamed.

“Certainly,” he replied; “anything you like, sir.”

“Then,” snapped the patron, “‘please be good enough
to play a game of checkers while I finish my meal.”

NEATNESS

The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of
floors. They even remove their shoes at the doorway.
A. Japanese student in New York was continually dis-
tressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 167

he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at
the entrance, which read:

“Please wipe your feet.”

The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:

“On going out.”

NEIGHBORS

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception
requested the eminent basso to sing.

“It is too late, madam,’ he protested. “I should
disturb your neighbors.”

“Not at all,” declared the lady, beaming. “Besides,
they poisoned our dog last week.”

NERVES

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting
her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout
the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little
one commented:

“It’s temper when it’s me an’ nerves when it’s you.”

NIGHTMARE

“And you say you have the same nightmare every
night,’ the doctor inquired. ‘What is it?”

The suffering man answered:

“TI dream that I’m married.”

“Ah, hum!” the physician grunted perfunctorily.
“To whom?”

“To my wife,’ the patient explained. ‘“‘That’s what
makes it a nightmare.”
 168 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a
particular guest who did not scrutinize the bills ren-
dered. When the clerk mentioned the fact that this
guest had complained of a nightmare, the host bright-
ened, and marked down an item of ten dollars charge
for livery.

NOMENCLATURE

The young son of a mountaineer family in North
Carolina had visited for the first time in the town
twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day
meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast,
he described it with enthusiasm, except in one par-
ticular:

“They done had something they called gravee. But
hit looked like sop, an’ hit tasted like sop, an’ I believe
in my soul ’twar sop!”

* * %

When his daughter returned from the girls’ college,
the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded:

“Ain’t you a lot fatter than you was?”

“Yes, dad,” the girl admitted. “I weigh one hundred
and forty pounds stripped for ‘gym.’ ”

The father stared for a moment in horrified amaze-
ment, then shouted:

“Who in thunder is Jim?”

* % *
On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to

deliver a lecture on the poet Keats in a small town, the
president of the local literary society was prevented by
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 169

illness from introducing the speaker, and the mayor,
who was more popular than learned, was asked to offi-
ciate. The amiable gentleman introduced the stranger
with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few
happy remarks of a general character with this observa-
tion:

“‘And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I

9?

personally have often wondered what are Keats

*% * *

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew
nothing of the business, was taken on by a furniture
house. His mistakes were so bad that the proprietor
was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him after
the following episode.

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The
clerk led her to the display of bassinettes, which was
an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid.
She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:

“Where are your sideboards?”

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:

““Why er TI shaved them off last week.”

% * *%

The lady who had some culture, but not too much,
was describing the adventure of her husband, who had
been in Messina at the time of the earthquake.

“It was awful,” she declared, in tense tones. ‘When
Jim went to bed, everything was perfectly quiet. And
then, when he woke up, all of a sudden, there beside
him was a yawning abbess!”
 170 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at
a newspaper.
“IT see,” she remarked presently to her companion,

“that Mr. So and so, the octogenarian, is dead. Now,
what on earth is an octogenarian anyhow?”

“I’m sure I haven’t the faintest idea,’ the other girl
replied. ‘But they’re an awful sickly lot. You never
hear of one but he’s dying.”

* * *

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who
asserted to an inquirer that he had never heard of Mark
Twain.

“What? Never heard of Tom Sawyer?”

“Nope, never heard of him.”

“Nor Huck Finn?”

“Nope, never heard of him neither.”

“Nor Puddin’head Wilson?”

“Oh, Lord, yes!” the office-seeker exclaimed. ‘Why,
I voted for him.”

And then he added sadly:

“An’ that’s all the good it done me.”

* * *

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided
to a crony that he was uncertain as to just what he was:

“I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a
parson who named me the sextant. And Doctor Smith,
he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says
I’m the sacrilege.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 171

OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway
station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a
train of cars, which was standing there. The husband
looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his
head.

“Well, what do you think of it, father?” asked the
old lady.

““She’ll never start,’ was the firm answer: “she'll
never start.”

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive
puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It
was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired
slyly:

“Well, pa, what do you think of it now?”

The old man shook his head more violently than
before.

““She’ll never stop,” he asserted; “she'll never stop!’

OMEN

The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of
lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw miss-
ing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster
had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen.
The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

“Carry him off,’ he commanded, “and bring me the
winner.”
 172 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

“Jenkins, why haven’t you shaved this morning?”

“Why, ain’t I shaved?” the private exclaimed, appar-
ently greatly surprised.

“No, you ain't,” the sergeant snapped. “And I want
to know the reason why.”

“Well, now, I guess it must be this way,” Jenkins
suggested. “There was a dozen of us usin’ the same bit
of lookin’ glass, an’ I swan I must have shaved some-
body else.”

OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that
naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation.
He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the
three miles from home to begin the day’s work on the
ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and ex-
plained to a fellow laborer:

“I’ve gone and done it now! I left my lunch at
home.”

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

“And it’s a good thing I did, for the matter of that,
because I left my teeth at home, too.”

% * *

The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper.
As he passed the fourth story, he was overheard mut-
tering:

“So far, so good!”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 173

ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his
servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on
horseback late at night, and both were much muddled
by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the
laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up,
and shouted to his servant:

“Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off I heard it
splash!’

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded
about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands.
At last, he seized on the laird.

“Why, it’s yerself, mon, as fell oof!”

“No, Sandy,” the master declared stoutly. “It can’t
be me here I am.” Then he added: “But if it is
me, get me back on the horse.”

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him
up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong
way to.

“Gie me the reins,” the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse’s rump, and then cried
out, clutching the tail:

“It waur the horse’s head as fell off nothin’ left
but the mane!”

“Gie me the mane, then,” the laird directed stolidly.
“T must een hae something to hold on.”

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in
both hands, and Sandy had mounted, the procession be-
gan to move. Whereat, the laird shouted in dismay:

“Haud on, Sandy! It’s gaein’ the wrang way!”
 174 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

OUTWORN
Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring

Jady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter,
and at last sought additional information:

“Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old
one?”

PARADOX

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to her-
self as she left the church along with the crowd that
had attended the services:

“If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay
quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out,
there would not be such a crush at the doors.”

* *

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the
same bedchamber in a country inn. During the night
a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in the morning
while the two men were dressing.

“Did it rain?’ Dennis asked in surprise.

“Rain! John exclaimed. “It was a deluge, and the
lightnin’ was blindin’ and the thunder was deafenin’.
Sure, I never heard the like.”

“For the love of Hivvin!’’ Dennis cried out. “Why
didn’t yez waken me? Didn’t yez know I never can
slape whin it thunders!”

PASTORAL

Burdette quotes as follows a year’s statistics of paro-
chial work, as compiled by a young curate:

Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, sol-
emnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures,
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 175

of which 16 were on secular and all the rest on religious
subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 were
on matters most nearly touching the vital religious con-
cerns of the church, read aloud in church 156 chapters
of the Bible, 149 of which were very long ones; made
pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such occasions, 312
times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several
times; sat on the platform at temperance and other
public meetings 47 times; had the headache Sabbath
mornings, and so was compelled to appear in a condi-
tion of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily
distress that utterly unfitted him for public preaching,
104 times; picnics attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered
from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748
hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the selection
of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat,
104 times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of
sermons; declined invitations to tea, 1 time; started
the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; started the wrong
tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2
times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed
by letter, 49; expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137.”

PATRIOTISM

The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles,
after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors en-
thusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the
metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his
local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:

“But, for real pleasure, gi’e me Peebles!”

% * *

There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the
 176 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

schoolboy who is the hero of this tale, although he may
have been weak on history. During an examination in
general history, he was asked:

“Who was the first man?”

He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without
any hesitation:

“George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first
in the hearts ”

But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:

“Wrong! Adam was the first man.”

The boy sniffed disgustedly.

“Oh!” he retorted. “I didn’t know you were talking
about foreigners.”

 

* ¥ *

The troops had been marching through a sea of mud
for hours, when at last they were lined up for inspec-
tion before a general. In the evolution, a young cavalry-
man who had enlisted was thrown from his horse into
the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state,
though uninjured except in his feelings. The general
himself, who had witnessed the incident, rode up, and
preserving his gravity with some effort inquired of the
trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.

“Naw, was the disgusted reply. “But if I ever love
a country agin, you can kick me!”

PEACE

The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be
chiseled on the headstone of her husband’s grave. The
exact wording was as follows:

“Thou are at rest, until we meet again.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 177

PEACEKMAKER

The father was telling at the table of a row between
two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a
shovel aloft, shouting, “I’ll knock your brains out!”

“It was at this moment,” the head of the family ex-
plained, “that I stepped in between them.”

Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with
excitement. Now, he burst forth:

“T guess he couldn’t knock any brains out of you, could
he, pa?”

PENSION

The usual details in administration of the pension
laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit
of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John
Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423,
based his application for succor upon an “injury to leg
due to the kick of a vicious horse’ in the service and
line of duty, etc.

This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised
to claimant to this effect, directing him to state: “which
leg was injured by the alleged kick of a vicious horse.”

The reply came promptly:

“My leg!”

PESSIMISM

The energetic New England woman addressed her
hired girl in a discouraged tone:
“Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be
 178 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday the whole week
half gone, and nothing done yit!”

* * %

The old man shook his head dolefully in response to
an inquiry concerning his health.

“It isn’t what it ought to be,’ he declared. “I find
my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk
around the block every morning. But now lately, some-
how, when I’m only half way round, I feel so tired I
have to turn and come back.”

% * %

The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:
“Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays
the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar,
and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children

play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses,
you must be something yourself, aren’t you?”

es a alDSsw am a imist,
“Yes,” was the answer, “I essimist,”

PHILANTHROPY

“TY hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn’t paid her servants
any wages for a number of months,’ remarked one lady
to another in a suburban town.

“Why does she keep such a number of them then?”
was the pertinent inquiry.

“Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as
her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when
times are so hard,”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 179

PHONETICS

Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an
appearance of great seriousness:

“Ain’t Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?”

“Don’t say ‘ain’t’, Willie,” the old lady corrected.
“Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?”

“It ain't swearin’ to say it, is it Gramma?”

“Don’t say ‘ain't’, Willie. No, it isn’t swearing to
say Rotterdam. Why?”

“Cause if sister keeps on eatin’ so much candy,
she’ll Rotterdam head off.”’

PHYSIOLOGY

The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts
concerning various organs of the body, including the
eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hear-
ing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat
to her what they had learned. There was a short si-
Jence, which was broken by a bright little boy, who
spoke as follows:

“TI see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ,
I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ,
and I feel with my hand organ.”

PLAIN SPEAKING

The new maid was talkative, and related some of her
experiences in service.

>

“You seem to have had a good many situations,’ was
 180 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

the lady’s comment as the girl paused. How many dif-
ferent mistresses have you had, all told?”

“Fifteen, all told,’ the maid declared promptly; “yes
mum, all told eggzactly what I thought of them.”

PLAYING POSSUM

“Ne, suh,” the ancient negro asserted, with a melan-
choly shaking of his bald head, “dar hain’t no trustin’
a "possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de
hole of a ’possum all night long. An’ at las’, suh, de
"possum done come out of his hole. An’ what yoh
t’ink de ole scallywog done did? Well, suh, he done
come out, an’ when he done come out, he was a pole-
cat!”

PLUMBER

The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a
little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he
was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was
plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed
the hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong
impression on the cook, and when he took his departure,
she simpered, and said coyly:

“Thursday is my evenin’ off, an’ we might go to the
movies.”

The plumber snorted indignantly.

“What!” he demanded. ‘On me own time?”

POETRY

The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 181

told in the following extract from a Hindu’s letter to
the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid
father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to
perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the peti-
tion calls on the government ‘to look after my old
faher, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to
verse every day.”

POINT OF VIEW

A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta,
Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became
fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to
visit their home at their expense. In due time after
their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every
courtesy was extended to the old colored woman, and
she even had her meals with the host and hostess. One
day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain smug
satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:

“I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave,
your master never invited you to eat at his table.”’

“No, suh, dat he didn’t,” replied the old darky. “My
master was a gen’l’man. He never let no nigger set at
table ‘long side o’ him,”

* * ¥*

The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the
feeding of the lions in the zoo. Presently, she remarked
to the keeper:

“Isn’t that a very small piece of meat to give to the
lions?”

The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:
 182 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you,
mum, but it seems like a big piece of meat to the lions,

>?

mum.

POKER

Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game
together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a
full house, the American four of a kind.

“I raise you two pounds,’ quoth Tommy.

The Yankee did not hesitate.

“TI ain’t exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll
bump it up four tons,”

POLITENESS

The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed
the aisle to devote herself to a dignified Pat man, to his
great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and,
incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn
whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief.
The mother regarded the child’s efforts as highly enter-
taining. The fat man leaned forward and addressed
the lady very courteously:

“Madam, what do you call this dear little child?”

“Ethel,” the beaming mother replied.

“Please call her then,” the fat man requested.

* * *%

Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor’s for
the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 183

mother to remember his manners, and to speak in com-
plimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded
the instruction, and did the best he could under stress
of embarrassment.

After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly
as he could contrive:

“This is pretty good soup what there is of it.”

He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his re-
mark caused a frown on the face of his hostess. He
hastened to speak again in an effort to correct any bad
impression from his previous speech:

“And there’s plenty of it -such as it is.”

% * %

On Johnnie’s return from the birthday party, his
mother expressed the hope that he had behaved politely
at the luncheon table, and properly said, “Yes, if you
please” and ‘“gNo, thank you,’ when anything was of-
fered him.

Johnnie shook his head seriously.

“I guess I didn’t say, ‘No, thank you.’ I ate every-
thing there was.”

The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar,
for correction by the class, the following sentence:

“The horse and cow is in the pasture.”

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teach-
ers nod said:

“Please, sir, ladies should come first.”’
 184 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman
standing before him:

“You must excuse my not giving you my seat I’m
a member of the Sit Still Club.”

“Certainly, sir,” the woman replied. “And please
excuse my staring I belong to the Stand and Stare
Club.”

She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly
got to his feet.

“IT guess, ma’am,” he mumbled, “I'll resign from my
club and join yours.”

POLITICS

The little boy interrupted his father’s reading of the
paper with a petition.

“Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty
Thieves.”

The father, aroused from his absorptiqn in political
news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son
thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.

“No,” he answered decisively, “you must wait until
you're a little older, my son. You're too young to under-
stand politics.”

POPULATION

Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was
visiting in the North as to the population of the city.

“Ah don’t edzakly know, suh,” was the reply, “but
I opine *bout a hundred an’ twenty-five thousan’, count-
in’ de whites.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 185

POSTAL

It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs
of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by
innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have
profited from their contact with the communities’ corre-
spondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well
informed is shown in a quotation by Punch of a local
letter-carrier’s apology to a lady on his round:

“Y’m sorry, Ma’am, I seem to have lost your post-
card; but it only said Muriel thanked you for the parcel
and so did John, and they were both very well, and the
children are happy, and she'll give your message to
Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I’m thinkin’ >?”

PRAISE

One negro workman was overheard talking to another:

“T’se yoh frien’. I jest tole the fohman, when he
say dat nigger Sam ain’t fit to feed to de dawgs, why,
I done spoke right up, an’ tole him yoh shohly is!”

PRAYER

The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although
he had been in the country forty years, and was a
churchwarden. When the rector complained that a cer-
tain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked
advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded am-
biguous:

“All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as

usual,”’
 186 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill
fortune in his marriages, for two wives in succession
yielded to the trying climate and died. The missionary
had depended on the Board at home to select his previous
mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had
elapsed, he journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer
by which his new mate should arrive. At the appointed
hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on the dock anxiously
waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the
gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined
for him. At sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a
groan burst from his lips.

“Freckles,” he muttered despairingly, “and red
headed, and with squint for the third time ! and after
all my prayers!”

% *% %

Charles had attained the age of five when he attended
a football game for the first time. It cannot be doubted
that he was profoundly impressed by the excitement on
the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother was horrified to
hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:

“God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless
Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!’

* * *

At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can
of peaches. When he finally reappeared, the wife asked
demurely:

“What did you use to open that can, Jim?”

“‘Can-opener, of course,” the husband grunted. “What
d’ye think I opened it with?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 187

“From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you
were opening it with prayer.”

% % *

The newspaper report of the special Sunday services
contained the following impressive description of the
prayer:

“The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston
audience.”

% *

The New York Sun published the following:

The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her
dainty nightie the little girl, scarcely more than a baby,
knelt at her mother’s knee.

The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief,
were reverently closed, and as she haltingly uttered the
words of the old, yet ever young child’s prayer her rapt
face, raised occasionally from her dimpled hands, took
on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.

With a fervent “Amen” she ended her supplication,
then jumped up, eyes dancing, and exclaimed:

“Now let’s say ‘Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.’
I knows it better, Muvver.”

% * *

A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended
church, and he answered that he always did. On being
questioned as to the nature of his prayer, he explained
that he always repeated it when the others in the con-
gregation made their silent prayer just before the ser-
mon, and he added further:

“T just say the little prayer mother taught me ‘Now
I lay me down to sleep.’ ”’
 188 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors
is on record as having been offered extemporaneously
in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the reign of that
sovereign. The words as quoted were these:

“O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the
Queen. Grant that as she grows an old woman, she
may become a new man. Strengthen her with Thy
blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her
sons and daughters to the glory of God. And give her
grace that she may go before her people like a he-goat
upon the mountains.”

% *% *

As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice
to ask:

“Does anybody know how to pray?”

One man spoke confidently in answer:

“Yes, Captain, I do.”

The captain nodded.

“That’s all right then,” he declared. “You go ahead
and pray. The rest of us will put on life-belts. They’re

one short.”

PREACHER

A colored deacon who was the leader in a congrega-
tion down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the
need of a minister for the church. He concluded his
appeal as follows:

“Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can’t send us
a Bishop, send us a Sliding Elder. If you can’t send a
Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary Preacher. If you
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 189

can’t spare him, send us a Circus Rider. If you can’t
spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can’t
send a Locust Preacher, send us an Exhauster.”’

PRECAUTION

When the colored couple were being married by the
clergyman, and the words, “love, honor and obey” were
spoken, the bridegroom interrupted :

“Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so’s de lady
kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin’. I’se been
married befoh.”’

x * *

The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked
the witness who had seen the plaintive struck by the
automobile, how far the victim was thrown by the im-
pact.

“Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches,’
instant response.

?

was the

*““You seem to be very exact in your figures,” exclaimed
the lawyer sarcastically. “How does that happen?”

“TI guessed some fool lawyer would ask me,” the wit-
ness answered, “‘and I measured the distance.”

PRECOCITY

The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.

“I’ve had a terrible misfortune,” he announced. “My
little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore
it all to pieces.”

“Extraordinary that a child so young should be able
to read,” said the critic.
 190 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

PREMATURENESS

Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when
he entered, and sat down in the same seat.

“How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?”
he inquired.

Jakey started nervously.

“Sh!” he whispered. “It vas next week.”

PREPAREDNESS
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt
water to toughen them. He considered the matter

thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself:
“It’s pretty near time for me to ket a lickin’, I guess
I’d better sit in it.”

* *% *

The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:

Mrs. Riley Och, Missus O’Rafferty, I hear yez be
worrukin’ noight an’ day.

Mrs. O’Rafferty Yis, Oi’m under bonds to kape the
pace for pullin’ the hair o’ that blaggard Missus Mur-
phy; an’ the Judge tould me as if Oi touched her again
he’d foine me tin dollars.

Mrs. Riley An’ yez is worrukin’ so hard so’s to kape
outen mischief.

Mrs. O’Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)
~ No! Oi’m savin’ oop the foine.

* * ¥

The father entered the room where Clara, his daugh-
ter, was entertaining her young man.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 191

“What is it, popper?” the young lady inquired.

Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.

“This is for John,” he explained. “It looks as if it
might rain before morning.”

PRIDE

The little boy was greatly elated when informed by
his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed
it was caused by electricity.

“Oh, my!” he exclaimed. “Ain’t we a wonderful
family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma
has gas on her stomach.”

¥ * %

Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-
congratulation of little Raymond in the following story:

Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday
School fairly swollen with importance. He explained
the cause to his mother.

“The superintendent said something awful nice about
me this morning in his prayer.”

“And what did he say, dear?” the mother inquired,
concealing her astonishment.

The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.

“He said, ‘O Lord, we thank thee for our food and
Raymond.’ ”’

PRECOCIOUSNESS

A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old
Willie Jones opened the door.
 192 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Is Mr. Jones in?” the caller inquired.

Little Willie answered with formal politeness:

“Tm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr.
Jones?”

PRISON REFORM

The society matron explained the necessity for im-
mediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary:

“Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best
people who are being indicted and tried and convicted
and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we
really must make their surroundings there more pleasant
and elegant.”

PRIVILEGE

The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a
poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer
give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He
whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen
beside him. The latter looked astonished.

“What of it?” he drawled. “Wasn't it his deal?”

PROCRASTINATION

The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but
painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of
a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and
directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith
shop and bring back a drill which had been left there
for sharpening. Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 193

lapse of half an hour, shuffled back lazily into view.
The indignant foreman called to him sharply:

“Here, you Zeb! Where’ve you been all this time?”

The darky grinned placatingly.

“Why, boss,” he explained, “I hain’t been I’se
gwine !”

PROFANITY

The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper,
which he interpreted in a burst of language that shocked
the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as
she demanded:

“My man, where did you learn such awful language?”

“Where did I learn it?’’ the longshoreman repeated.
“Huh! I didn’t learn it, it’s a gift.”

* + *

The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have
ia link welded. When he returned to the shop a few
hours later, he saw the chain lying on the floor, and
picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the
deacon dropped it with the ejaculation:

“Hell!” Then he added hastily: “I like to have
said.”

PROFITEERS

The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the
luxuries of the new country estate.

“And, of course,” she vouchsafed, “‘we have all the
usual animals horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and sc

forth.”
 194 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Oh, hens!” the listener gushed. “Then you'll have
fresh eggs.”

“Really, ’m not sure. The hens can work, if they
like, but of course in our position, it’s quite unneces-
sary er, perhaps not quite suitable, you know.”

* * %

The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by
which to whiten the hands and soften them. Girls who
sent the money received the following directions:

“Soak the hands three times a day in dish water
while mother rests.”

*% * *

“Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?”
the woman asked the shopkeeper.

“Absolutely,” was the reply. “I shot that crocodile
myself.”

“But it is badly soiled.”

“Well, yes, of course. That’s where it hit the ground,
when it fell out of the tree.”

* % *

Customer: “But if it costs twenty dollars to make
these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars,
where does your profit come in?”

Shopkeeper: “That comes from repairing them.”

PROGRESS

The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the
kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him
through the primer and into the Bible. On his return
after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager’s wife.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 195

“How does John get along with his reading of the
Bible?” he asked.
“Oh, bless your reverence,” she replied proudly, “’e’s

out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago.”
%* * &

’

The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was
at great pains to teach an illiterate old man, crippled
with rheumatism, his letters so that he could read the
Bible. On the clergyman’s return after a short absence
from the parish, he met the old man’s wife.

“And how is Thomas making out with reading his
Bible?”

“Bless you, sir,’ the wife declared proudly, “he’s out
of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago.”

* *

The physican advised his patient to eat a hearty
dinner at night, without any worry over the ability to
digest it. The patient, however, protested:

“But the other time when I came to see you, you in-
sisted I must eat only a very light supper in the
evening.”

The physician nodded, smiling complacently.

“Yes, of course that shows what great progress the
science of medicine is making.”

PROHIBITION

The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:

“Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did.”

“You are raving,” declared the defender of the Eigh-
teenth Amendment. “How do you make that out?”

“Well, to begin with, there was the Flood.”
 196 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The wife complained to her husband that the chauf-
feur was very drunk indeed, and must be discharged
instantly.

“Discharged nothing!’’ the husband retorted joy-
ously. “When he’s sobered off, I'll have him take me
out and show me where he got it.”

PROLIFIC

The woman teacher in a New York School was in-
terested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that
she had a new baby brother.

“And what is the baby’s name?”’ the teacher asked.
“Aaron,” was the answer.

A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning
Aaron, but the little girl regarded her in perplexity.

“Aaron?” she repeated.

“Your baby brother,” the teacher prompted.

Understanding dawned on the child’s face.

“Oh, Aaron!’ she exclaimed. “That was a mistake.
It’s Moses. He’s very well, ma’am, thank. you. Pa an’
ma, they found we had an Aaron.”

PRONUNCIATION

The parson’s daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a
hint of rebuke, to one of her father’s humble parish-
loners:

“Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in
church for the last few weeks.”

“No, miss,’ the man answered. “I’ve been oop at
Noocaste a-visitin’ my old ’aunts. And strange, miss,
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 197

ain’t it, I don’t see no change in ’em since I was a child
like?”

The parson’s daughter was duly impressed.

“What wonderful old ladies they must be!”

But the man shook his head, and explained with re~
markable clearness:

“TY didn’t say ‘arnts’, miss. I said ‘awnts’ ’aunts
where I used to wander in my childhood days like.”

PROOF

Shopper : ‘‘Are these eggs fresh?”

Apprentice : “Yes, ma’am, they be.”

Shopper: “How long since they were laid?”

Apprentice : °Tain’t ten minutes, ma’am I know,
I laid them eggs there myself.”

PROPERTY

The indignant householder held up before the police-
man the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three
days.

“What am I to do with this?” he demanded.

“Take it to headquarters,’ was the serene reply.
“If nobody claims it within a reasonable time, it’s your

property.”

PROVIDENCE

The babu explained with great politeness the complete
failure of a young American member of the shooting
party in India to bag any game:
 198 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence
was all merciful to the birds.”

PRUDENCE

Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party
in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was
limited only by the capacity of the company. The
evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his
feet, and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding
each of them a very affectionate farewell. The host
came bustling up, much concerned.

“But, Sandy, mon,” he protested, “Ye’re nae goin’ yet,
with the evenin’ just started?”

“Nay,” declared the prudent MacTavish, “I’m no’
goin’ yet. But I’m tellin’ ye good-night while I know
ye all.”

* *

The young man, who was notorious for the reckless
driving of his car, was at his home in the country, when
he received a telephone call, and a woman’s voice asked
if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.

“No, not this afternoon,” he replied. “But why do
you ask? Who are you?”

“That doesn’t matter,” came the voice over the wire.
“It’s only that I wish to send my little girl down the
street on an errand.”

PUNISHMENT

The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a
refractory pupil, received this note in reply:
“Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 199

hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is
necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like his paw you
have to lern him with a club please pound nolej into
him i want him to git it don’t pay no attenshun to his
paw either ill handle him.”

% * *

The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and
collided with the benevolent old gentleman, who inquired
the cause of such haste.

“I gotta git home fer maw to spank me,” the boy
panted.

“Bless my soul!’ exclaimed the old gentleman, “I
can’t understand your being in such a hurry to be
spanked.”

“I ain't. But if I don’t git there ’fore paw, he'll

> 33

gimme the lickin’.
x * &

The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A
passer-by halted to ask what was the matter. The boy
explained between howls that his father had given him
a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:

“But you must be a little man, and not cry about it.
All fathers have to punish their children sometimes.”

The lad ceased howling long enough to snort con-
temptuously, and to explain:

“Huh! my paw ain't like other boys’ paws. He plays
the bass drum in the band!”

PUNS

“What is your name?” demanded the judge of the
prisoner in the Municipal Court.
 200 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Locke Smith,’ was the answer, and the man made
a bolt for the door.

He was seized by an officer and hauled back.
“Ten dollars or ten days,” said the magistrate.

“T’ll take the ten dollars,’ announced the prisoner.

Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit in-
formation as to his opinion of the judge. Then he leaped
for the door again, only to be caught and brought back
a second time.

The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dol-
lars, admonished him severely, in these words:

“If your language had been more chaste and refined,
you would not have been chased and refined.”

* ® %

A member of the Lambs’ Club had a reputation for
lack of hospitality in the matter of buying drinks for
others. On one occasion, two actors entered the bar,
and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:

“I’m writing my autobiography.”

“With the accent on the ‘bi’?”’” One of the newcomers
suggested sarcastically.

“No,” his friend corrected, “with the accent on the

> 99

‘auto’.

¥ * *

The stallion that had been driven in from the plains
was a magnificent creature, but so fierce that no man
dared approach closely. Then the amiable lunatic ap-
peared on the scene. He took a halter, and went toward
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 201

the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered
softly:

“So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy.”’

The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to
be slipped over his head without offering any resistance.

The horse was cowed.

¥% * %

When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of
St. James, he was present at a function where his plain
evening dress contrasted sharply with the uniforms of
the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat
approach him, as he stood near the door, obviously
taking him for a servant, and said:

“Call me a cab.”

Choate answered affably:

“You’re a cab, sir.”

The diplomat indignantly went to the host and ex-
plained that a servant had insulted him. He pointed
to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the diplomat was
introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.

“That’s all right,’ declared Choate, smiling. “If you
had been better-looking, I’d have called you a hansom
cab.”

PUZZLE

The humorist offered his latest invention in the way
of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-
room:

“Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot
see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the
Woolworth Building?”
 202 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep
silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up
and demanded the solution. The inventor of the puzzle
beamed.

“The answer,” he said, “is a wooden horse. It has
eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk.”

“Yes,’ the company agreed. “But how does it jump
as high as the Woolworth Building?”

“The Woolworth Building,” the humorist explained,
“can’t Jump.”

QUARRELSOME

The applicant for the position of cook explained to
the lady why she had left her last place:

“To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn’t stand the
way the master and the mistress was always quarreling.”

“That must have been unpleasant,” the lady agreed.

“Yis, mum,” the cook declared, “they was at it all
the time. When it wasn’t me an’ him, it was me an’ her.”

QUESTIONS

It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question
which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One
of the members presented a question as to why a ground-
squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to
its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and
explained that of course the squirrel began at the bot-
tom and dug upward.

“Excellent!” a listener laughed. “But how does the
squirrel manage to reach the bottom?”

“That,” said the other with a grin, “is your question.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 203

RAILROAD

A railroad was opened through a remote region, and
on the first run over the line, the engineer overtook a
country boy riding his horse along the road bed. The
engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was
forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at
the horse’s heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the
cab window and shouted:

“You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?”

The fleeting boy screamed an answer:

“No, sirree! Ye’d ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar
ploughed ground.”

RECOGNITION

The office telephone was out of order. An employee
of the company was sent to make repairs. After a
period of labor, he suggested to the gentleman occupying
the office the calling up of some one over the wire in
order to test the working of the instrument. The gen-
tleman obligingly called for the number of his own home
in the suburbs. When the connection was made, he
called into the transmitter:

“Maria!” and after a pause, “Maria!” and again
“Maria!” There followed a few seconds of waiting,
and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone, ‘Maria!’

The electric storm that had been gathering broke at
this moment. A bolt of lightning hit the telephone wires.
The gentleman was hurled violently under his desk.
Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and
regarded the repair man plaintively.
 204 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“That’s her!’ he declared. “The telephone works

Pd

fine.

REFORM

Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by
chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting.
When the elder was receiving testimonies from the
mourners’ bench, he at last called on Abe:

“Brother,” he exhorted, “won’t you tell the congrega-
tion now what the Lord has done for you?”

Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his re-
sponse in a tone tinged with bitterness:

“It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me.”

RELIABILITY

The Southern lady saw old ’Rastus setting out with
his fishing tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed
it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness,
since she and everybody else knew that the entire family
was supported by the industry of ’Rastus’ old wife as a
washerwoman.

“ *Rastus,” she said severely, “do you think it’s right
to leave your wife hard at work over the washtub while
you pass your time fishing?”

“Yassum, ma’am,”’ replied the old darky earnestly.
“Tt’s all right. Mah wife don’ need any watchin’. She’
wuk jes’ as hard as if I was dah.”

REPENTANCE

“When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be:
‘When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 205

REPETITION

The little girl had been naughty in school. By way
of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to re-
main in her seat after the session until she had written
an original composition containing not less than fifty
words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she of-
fered the following, and was duly excused:

“I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.”

RESIGNATION

The physician, afer an examination, addressed the
wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality:

“I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can
hold out no hope of his recovery.”

This candor was offensive to the patient, who pro-
tested with what violence was permitted by a very scanty
breath:

“Here, hold on! What are you gittin’ at? I ain’t
a-goin’ to snuff out!”

The wife interposed in a soothing voice:

“You leave it to the doctor, dearie he knows best.”

REVOLUTION

At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revo-
lution in New York City appeared a woman from one
 206 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number
of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she
was a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight
revolutions in her own country.

REWARD OF MERIT

A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife’s
carelessness in attire at home. He was especially an-
noyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pin-
ning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had
acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days.
With the intention of administering a rebuke to his wife,
he set to work on the skirt during her absence and sewed
it up neatly. When, on her return home, he showed
her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him
tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an
armful of garments.

“Here are some more for you, darling,” she announced
happily. “Don’t hurry. Just do them whenever you
have time.”

REWARD OF VIRTUE

The little boy put a serious question to his mother:

“Please, mama, tell me: If I’m a good boy, and I
die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil
to play with?”

* *% #

The teacher directed the class to compose fiction nar-
rative. The most interesting story submitted ran as
follows:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 207

“A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of
a rich lady who kept a candy store. The poor young
man could not marry the rich candy lady’s daughter
because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.

“A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-
five dollars if he would become a drunkard. The young
man wanted the money very much, so he could marry the
rich candy lady’s daughter, but when he got to the
saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, ‘I will not
become a drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get
from behind me, Satan.’

“On his way home he found a pocketbook containing
a million dollars in gold. Then the young lady con-
sented to marry him. They had a beautiful wedding,
and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that
Virtue has its own reward.”

RULING PASSION

Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried
his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into
ordinary speech. A story told of him which is, of
course, untrue illustrates the point.

Noah’s wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing
the cook.

“Why, Noah,” she exclaimed, “I am surprised!”

The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly,
and rebuked her:

“You are astonished I am surprised.”
 208 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SAFETY FIRST

“Come over here!” called a friend to an intoxicated
citizen whom he saw across the street.

The man addressed blinked and shook his head.

“Come over there?” he called back. “Why, it’s all
I can do to stay where I am.”

% * x

Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot musk-
rats, which were overrunning the mill dam. An acquaint-
ance paused to chat one day with Amos, who was sit-
ting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely
out of reach.

“TI hear the muskrats are undermining the dam,” the
acquaintance said.

“So they be, so they be!’ Amos agreed.

“Hi! there goes one!” cried the visitor, pointing.
“Shoot! Why don’t you shoot, man?”

Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered:

“Huh! think I want to lose my job?”

*% % *

The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice
and complained loudly. He protested against the base
trickery of his two companions on the trip.

“It was agreed,” he explained, “‘before we started,
that the one who caught the first fish must stand treat
to a supper. Now, you'd hardly believe it, but it’s a
fact that when we got to fishing, both those fellows de-
liberately refused to pull in their lines when they had
bites, just so I’d be stuck.”

“That “as a mean trick,’ one of the auditors asserted
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 209

sympathetically. “How much did the supper cost you?”
The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.
“Oh,” he explained, “it wasn’t as bad as that. You
see, I didn’t have any bait on my hook.”

*% *% *&

A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the
American Legion the story of a private in the Civil War,
who during the first battle of Bull Run found a post
hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his
eyes were above the level of the ground. An officer, not-
ing this display of cowardice, darted to the spot, and
with a threatening gesture of his sword, shouted fiercely,
“get out of that hole!”

But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary,
he put his thumb to his nose and waggled his fingers
insultingly.

“Not on your life,’ he retorted. “Hunt a hole for
yourself. This belongs to me.”

x * x

The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.
> she said, “J take your word for it that
it’s solid silver, but somehow it doesn’t look it.”

“A great advantage, ma'am,’ the shopkeeper declared
suavely. “That service can be left right out in plain
sight, and no burglar will look at it twice.”

“Of course,

SANITY

It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal
perfection is a most trying thing to live with. In the
United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, al-
 210 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

leging in the complaint against her husband that he had
no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious reali-
zation of the unpleasantness, even the unendurableness,
of perfection in the domestic companionship that caused
the obvious misprint in the following extract from a
Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:
“But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution
of the marriage bond, which are unknown to the law
of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable sanity, or habitual drunk-
enness are proposed as separate grounds of divorce.”’

SARCASM

The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an
anecdote, and was at first gratified by the hearty laugh-
ter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little
suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at her,
puzzled, she spoke in explanation:

“Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first
time I heard it I laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-
board off my crib.”

* *

The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer
harshly:

“All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other.”

“What is to prevent it?” was the retort.

SAVING

A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he
spent all his money, was advised by his master to save
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 211

against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired
if any saving had been accomplished.

“Oh, yes, indeed, sir,” the servant responded. “But,
you see, sir, it rained yesterday, and it all went.”

SCHEDULE

Cooks’ tourists travel exactly according to schedule.
The following conversation was overheard in Rome be-
tween a mother and daughter:

“Is this Rome, ma?”

“What day of the week is it, Matildar”

“Tuesday. What of it?’

“If it’s Tuesday, it must be Rome.”

*% % *

The man about to take a train was worried by the
station clocks. There was twenty minutes difference be-
tween the one in the office and the one in the waiting-
room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy
made a careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his
head doubtfully. Then, he brightened suddenly, and
said:

“It don’t make a single mite of difference about them
clocks. The train goes at four-ten, no matter what.”

SHEASICKNESS

On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into
a nasty choppy sea, which steadily grew worse. There
were twenty-five passengers at the captain’s table for
 212 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable welcoming
speech:

“IT hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleas-
ant trip.” The soup appeared, and he continued: “I
sincerely hope that this little assembly of twenty-four
will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these
twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family,
for I am responsible for the safety of this group of
seventeen. And now I ask that all fourteen of you join
me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I believe that
we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good
fortune that brought these three persons to my table.
You and IJ, my dear sir, are Here, steward, clear
away all those dishes, and bring me the fish.”

 

* *% *

The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Chan-
nel, and the movement of the waves seemed to be going
on right inside the bride. In a fleeting moment of in-
ternal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom
in whose arms she was clasped:

“Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?”

“My darling!’ he affirmed. “You know I love you
with all my heart and soul I worship you, I adore you,
my precious oontsy-woontsy !”

The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through
all the foundations of the bride’s being.

“O dear, O dear!” she gasped. “I hoped that might
help a little, but it didn’t not a bit!’

*% * *

The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 213

the rail and made libation to Neptune. The kindly old
gentleman who stood near remarked sympathetically:

“You have a weak stomach.”

The victim paused in his distressing occupation to
snort indignantly:

“Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as
anybody on this ship.”

* ro *

The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave
the stateroom for dinner. She inquired of her husband
solicitously :

“George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner
to you here?”

“No, was the reply, haltingly given between groans.

“But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on
deck and throw it over the rail for me.”

* * x

The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked pon-
derously:

“If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it
out.”

One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed
bitterly:

“Especially ocean travel.”

SECTARIAN

Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-
agent. The driver explained to the robber that his only
 214 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

passenger was a man, who was asleep inside. The high-
wayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. “I
want to go through his pockets!” he declared fiercely,
with an oath.

The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.

“You surely would not rob a poor bishop!” he ex-
claimed. “I have no money worth your attention, and
IT am engaged on my duties as a bishop.”

The robber hesitated.

“A bishop, eh?’ he said thoughtfully. “Of what
eburch ?”

“The Episcopal.”

“The hell you are! That’s the church I belong to!
So long! ... Driver, larrup them mules!”

% % ¥

A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a
parishioner who formed a secession with a few others
unable to accept the doctrines of the church. But when
the clergyman asked this man if he and the others wor-
shiped together, the answer was:

“No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain
points to which I could not agree, so I withdrew from
communion with them.”

“So, then,” the clergyman continued, “I suppose you
and your wife carry on your devotions together at home.”

“No, not exactly,” the man admitted. “I found that
our views on certain doctrines are not in harmony. So,
there has been a division between us. Now, she worships
in the northeast corner of the room and I in the south-
west.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 215

SELF-BETRAYAL

The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat
prim and precise. Nevertheless, when the company had
been telling of college pranks, she relaxed slightly, and
told of a lark that had caused excitement in Cambridge
when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that
two maidens of social standing were smuggled into the
second-story room of a Harvard student for a gay sup-
per. The affair was wholly innocent, but secrecy was
imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly
begun when a thunderous knock of authority came on
the door. The young men acted swiftly in the emer-
gency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the
ground from the window by a rope knotted under her
arms. ‘The second girl was then lowered, but the rope
broke when the descent was hardly half completed.

The old lady had related the incident with increasing
animation, and at this critical point in the narrative she
burst forth:

“And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew
I was going to be killed, sure!”

SERMON

The aged colored clergyman, who made up in en-
thusiasm what he lacked in education, preached a sermon
on the verse of the Psalm, “Awake, Psaltery and Harp!
I myself will awake right early.” The explanation of
the words, which preceded the exhortation, was as fol-
lows:

“Awake, Peasel Tree an’ Ha’ap, J myself will awake
 216 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

airly. Dis yere Sam was wrote by de prophet Moses.
Moses was mighty fond o’ playin’ on de ha’ap all de day
long, an’ at night when he went to bed he’d hang up de
ha’ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de out-
side o’ de window, an’ in de mawnin’, when de sun would
get up an’ shine in his face, he’d jump out o’ bed, an’
exclaim, ‘Wake, Peasel Tree an’ Ha’ap! I myself will

> 99

awake airly!

SCAPEGOAT

Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie,
aged twelve. Johnnie’s mother directed him to take the
visitor out to play with his boy friends in the neighbor-
hood.

“And be sure to have lots of fun,” she added.

On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared
somewhat downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.

“Did you have a good time?” his mother asked.

“Bully!” Johnnie answered.

“And lots of fun?”

“Oh, yes!”

“But Willie doesn’t look very happy,’ Johnnie’s
mother said doubtfully.

“Well, you see,” Johnnie answered, beaming, “the
rest of us, we had our fun with Willie.”

SHEEP AND GOATS

The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergy-
man’s sermon as to the separation of the sheep and the
goats, That night after she had gone to bed, she was
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 217

heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what
was the matter.

“It’s about the goats!’ Jenny confessed at last. “I’m
so afraid I am a goat, and so I’ll never go to heaven.
Oh, I’m so afraid I’m a goat!”

“My dear,’ the mother assured her weeping child.
“You're a sweet little lamb. If you were to die to-night,
you would go straight to heaven.” Her words were
successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.

But the following night Jenny was found crying again
in her bed, and when her mother appeared she wailed:

“I’m afraid about the goats.”

“But mother has told you that you are a little lamb,
and that you must never worry over being a goat.”

Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and
continued her sobs.

“Yes, mamma,” she declared sadly, “I know that.
But I’m afraid awful afraid you’re a goat!”

SHIFTLESSNESS

The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor,
closed the book on French history, which he had been
perusing with great interest, and addressed his wife.

“Do you know, Mary,” he asked impressively, “what
I would have done if I had been in Napoleon’s place?”

“Certainly !” the wife snapped. ‘You'd have settled
right down on a farm in Corsica, and let it run itself.”

SHIPWRECK

The new member of the club listened with solemn in-
terest to the various stories that were told in the smok-
 218 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ing room. They were good stories, and obviously lies,
and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had
gone before. Finally, the company insisted that the
new member should relate a tale. He refused at first,
but under pressure yielded, and gave a vivid account of
a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He de-
scribed the stress of the terrible situation with such
power that his hearers were deeply impressed. He
reached the point in his account where only the captain
and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard
the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been
lowered.

“And then,” he concluded, “a vast wave came hurtling
down on us. It was so huge that it shut out all the sky.
It crashed over the already sinking ship in a torrent of
irresistible force. Under that dreadful blow the laboring
vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were
drowned.”

The narrator paused and there was a period of tense
silence. But presently someone asked:

“And you what became of you?”

“Oh, I,” was the reply, “why I was drowned with the
rest of them.”

SLANDER

The business man’s wife, who had called at his office,
regarded the pretty young stenographer with a baleful
eye.

“You told me that your typewriter was an old maid,’
she accused.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 219

The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at
last contrived:

“Yes, but she’s sick to-day, and sent her grandchild
in her place.”

SLAVERY

A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro,
whom he met in the road.

“And I suppose you were once a slave?” he remarked.

“Yes, suh,” the old colored man answered.

“And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom,”
the gentleman continued.

But the ancient one shook his head sadly.

“No, suh,” he declared with great emphasis. ‘‘Not
perzactly, suh. I didn’t git mah freedom, suh, after de
war I done got married!’

SMELLS

An argument arose among a number of British officers
during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and
wagers were made among them. ‘The question at issue
was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk.
The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his
tent, and a goat was brought in. The colonel fainted.
After the officer had been revived, and was deemed able
to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought into
the tent. The goat fainted.
 220 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SOCIAL UPLIFT

The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social
worker, completed her cajl on a dweller in the tenement
district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess
shook her head at the visitor’s promise to come again.

“And excuse me if I don’t return the call,” she vouch-
safed. “Myself, ve got no time to go slummin’.”

*% *% *

The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of
children from the slums at her home. She addressed
one particularly pretty and intelligent-looking little girl,
who listened shyly. She urged the child to speak with-
out embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:

“How many children have you?”

“Six,” the hostess answered, in surprise.

“What a big family! You must be sure to look after
them properly, and be very careful to keep them clean.”

“V’ll try to, certainly,’ the lady declared, much
amused.

“Has your husband got a job?” the girl demanded
crisply.

“Well, no,” the hostess admitted.

“How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of

debt.”

“Really, you must not be impertinent,’ was the re-
proof.

“No, ma’am,” the child responded simply, “mother
said I must talk like a lady, and that’s the way the ladies
talk when they come to see us.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 221

SPANKING

Back in those days when corporal punishment was
permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss
Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners,
that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until
she could spank him no more for physical fatigue.

“When you want him spanked again, send him to me,”
Miss Manners said.

Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss
Manners, displaying an air that was downcast. The
teacher regarded him with suspicion.

“Did you come from Miss Bings’” she asked sharply.

“Yes, ma’am,’ Thomas admitted.

“T thought as much!” On the instant, she skillfully
inverted the youngster over her lap, and whacked him
in a most spirited manner. This duty done, as the wail-
ings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:

“And now what have you to say?”

“Please, ma’am,” Thomas answered brokenly, ‘Miss
Bings wants the scissors!”

SPEED

In the business college, the instructor addressed the
new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his
remarks, he included this statement:

“It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray
seven years to write his famous poem, ‘Elegy in a
Country Churchyard. Had he been proficient in
stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes.
 222 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

We have had students who have written it in that length
of time.”

x + %*

The young lady interested in botany inquired of the
gentleman who had been traveling in the South.

“What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?”

“That is not a plant,’ was the answer, given wearily ;
“it’s a railroad.”

SPELLING

Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the
United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains
of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed
along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native
of the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr.
Taft, without any particular interest, inquired concern-
ing the brook’s name. So far as he could understand,
the answer was:

“This here are Swum-swum Crick.”

“What?” Mr. Taft demanded.

In the repetition, the words sounded like:

“This here are Swoovel Crick.”

The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the
mountaineer how the name of the Creek was spelled.

The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the
wheel, and then spoke judicially:

“Waal, some spells it one way, an’ some spells it an-
other way; but in my jedgmint thar are no propeer way.”

% * *

The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell
his name. The man started his reply thus:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 223

“O double t, i double u, e double 1, double u, dou-
ble ”

The clerk interrupted:

“Please, begin again.”

The witneess complied glibly:

“O double t, 2 double u, e double 1, double u, double

»

The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened:

“What is your name?”

“Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: O
double #, 2 double u, e double J, double u, double o, d.”’

SPINSTERHOOD

The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding
announcement to question her mistress, who remained a
spinster still though approaching middle age.

“When is you gwine to git married, missy?”

“I don’t know, mammy,” was the thoughtful reply.
“Really, I don’t think I'll ever get married.”

A note of sadness in the speaker’s voice moved the
old woman to attempt philosophical consolation:

“Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies’
kind after they quits strugglin’.”

SPITE
The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The

request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he in-
tended to do on his holiday.

“T think,’ came the cautious answer, “I shall go to
my wife’s funeral. She died the other day.”
 224 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was
repeated.

“And what are you going to do this time?” the em-
ployer asked.

“I think, mebbe, I'll get married.”

“What! So soon after burying your wife?”

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he
answered:

“Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite.”

SPORTSMANSHIP

In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the
sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking
about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim.
A companion called to him sharply:

“You're not going to shoot the bird while it’s walk-
ing?”

“No,” was the firm response; “I’ll wait till it stops.”

SPRING

The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how
in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the
growth of grasses and leaves and flowers, how this life
matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she
called on the class to repeat the information she had
given. She asked one little boy about spring.

“What do we find in the spring, George?”

George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when
the teacher insisted he at last said:

“Why, ma’am, there’s a frog, an’ a lizard, an’ a
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 225

snake, an’ a dead cat, but I didn’t put the cat there. It
was another boy.”

STAMMERING

On the occasion of a most interesting family event,
Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room
in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in
the doorway.

“Oh, oh, tell me,” he gasped, “what is it a boy or a
girl?”

“Tr-tr-tr

Peedle paled.

“Triplets! Merciful providence!”

“Qu-qu-qu ”” spluttered the doctor.

Peedle paled some more.

“Quadruplets!” he moaned.

“N-n-no!” the physician snapped. “Qu-qu-quite the
contrary. “Tr-tr-try to take it qu-quietly. It’s a girl.”

 

” the physician began stammeringly.

 

STYLE

Two old friends met, and immediately found that they
were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of
their various cars, one bethought himself to ask con-
cerning the other’s wife, whom he had never seen. That
lady was described by her husband, as follows:

“‘Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread,
runs on low.”

“Self-starter?”

“You bet!”
 226 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SUNDAY SCHOOL

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called
on the newly wedded pair.

“I am endeavoring to secure new scholars,’ she ex-
plained. ‘“‘Won’t you send your children?”

When she was informed that there were no children
in the family as yet, she continued brightly:

“But won’t you please send them when you do have
them?”

* * *&

The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.

“Who made the world?” he demanded. Nobody
seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat
sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke
with increased severity: .

“Children, I must know who made the world!”

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

“Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn’t me!”

SUPERMAN

It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in
her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest dis-
cussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the
time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs.
As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly
involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage
of a lull to say:

‘Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all.”

Mrs, Gladstone beamed.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 227

“Yes,” she said proudly. “And William will be down
directly to tell us all about it.”

SUPERSTITION

The superstitious sporting editor of the paper con-
demned the “Horse Fair” by Rosa Bonheur.

“Just look at those white horses!” he exclaimed dis-
gustedly. “And not a red-headed girl in sight.”

SUSPENSE

The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as fol
lows:

“Adored of my soul: lIf you love me, wear a red rose
in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion
to you is hopeless, wear a white rose.”

She wore a yellow rose.

SUSPICION

The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a
train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed
concerning primaries.

“It is the first time,’ said one, “that we have ever
agreed on a matter of public policy.”

“That is so,’ the other assented. “The fact leads me
to suspect that I am wrong, after all in this matter of
the primaries.”
 228 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SYMPATHY

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sym-
pathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door
bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass
of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and,
in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he
was doing there.

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent
clutch at his stomach as he explained:

“Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchad-
nezzar I just had to take to eatin’ grass.”

“Well, well, now ain’t that too bad!” the woman cried.

“You go right into the back yard the grass there is
longer.”

TACT

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery
the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington,
who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear
to Morman precept and practice.

“Alas, madam,” the senator declared with a touch of
sadness in his voice, “‘we are compelled in Utah to marry
a number of wives.”

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

“What do you mean?” she demanded.

The senator explained suavely:

“We have to seek there in several women the splendid
qualities that here are to be found in one.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 229

TALKING MACHINE

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at
home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim
described as follows in a local news item of a country
paper:

“Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with
unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a
laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues.”

TAR AND FEATHERS

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some
feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked
gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.

“The excitement,’ he murmured, “rose to a terrible
pitch, but it soon came down.”

TASTE

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe
of western Indians. On his return, he was asked con-
cerning his experiences. One question was:

“Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?”

“Yes,” was the melancholy reply. “I tasted it twice 
once when it went down, and once when it came up.”

*% * %

It’s all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she
kissed the cow.
 230 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast,
and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted
it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife
against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered
no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter
appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little
calculated to soothe her husband.

“Maggie,” she inquired serenely, “what did you do
with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?”

TEARS

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl
not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:

“You know it makes little girls homely.”

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady,
and then remarked:

“You must have cried an awful lot when you was
young.”

TENDER MEMORIES

“Please tell me, James,” directed the young lady
teacher, “where shingles were first used?”

“I could, ma’am,” little Jimmie replied in great em-
barrassment, ‘“‘but Id rather not.”

TERMINOLOGY

When the bishop was entertained at an English
country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 231

who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving
in the morning.

“When you knock,” the butler explained, ‘and he
asks, “Who’s there?’ then you must say, ‘It’s the boy,
my Lord.’ ”

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried
up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop’s query
as to who was at the door, he announced:

“It’s the Lord, my boy!”

The butler overheard and was horrified. He ham-
mered into the youth’s consciousness, the fact that a
bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was
satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to
assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster
was sent to the bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With
shaking knees, he presented the dish to the prelate, and
faltered :

“My God, will you have some cheese?”

% % %

The master of the house returned from business some-
what early. He did not find his wife about, and so
called downstairs to the cook:

“Bridget, do you know anything of my wife’s where-
abouts ?”’

“No, sor,’ Bridget answered, “Sure, I know nothin’
but I’m thinkin’, sor, it’s likely they’re in the wash.”

TESTIMONY

Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adiron-
dacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named
Jones in Malone.
 232 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before
the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then
Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and looked
my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to
me.

“ ‘Paul,’ he asked, ‘are those your witnesses?’

* “They are,’ I replied.

“ ‘Then you win, he exclaimed. ‘I’ve had them
witnesses twice myself.’ ”’

% * %

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote
to the vendors of the patent medicine:

“Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could
not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your
Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in
addition to my other housework. God bless you!”

* % %

In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim
was taken by a man from Iowa. The nearest neighbor,
from twenty miles away, visited the homesteader’s shack,
and introduced himself.

“Where did you come from?” the visitor inquired
presently, and when he had been told:

“TI can’t understand why anybody should want to get
out of that civilized country to come and live in this
lonesomeness.”’

“Fact was,” the man from Iowa explained somberly,
“I didn’t exactly like it down there any more. You
see, it was this way. They got to telling things about
me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief,
and no better than I ought to be, And, by Jemima,
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 233

I jest pulled out and went right away from them scanda-
lous folks.”

“Well, I swan!” the visitor exclaimed indignantly.
“You can bet I wouldn’t leave a place for any reason
like that. I’d make them prove what they said.”

The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:

“That’s jest the trouble they did prove it!”

THREAT

The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline,
sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully
shrinking in the dentist’s chair as the ogre approached
forceps in hand:

“Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the
dentist’s again,”

THRIFT

A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:

“Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi’ bonny Kate
McAllister.”

“Weel, Sanders,’ Mac replied, “I was near veera
near doin’ it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said
to meaself, ‘Mac, be a mon.’ And I was a mon, and
noo I jist pass her by.”

¥ x *%

The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband
with stern disapproval as he moaned and tossed rest-
lessly from side to side.

“William Henry,” she rebuked him, “you jest needn’t
kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out,

? 23

even if you be a-dyin’,
 234 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

TIME FLIES

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours
 first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of
twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately:

“How fleet are the hours in your presence, my be-
loved !”’

“Don’t be silly! the girl chided. “That’s pa setting
the clock.”

TIT FOR TAT

The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended
himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog.
The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the
farmer.

“Why didn’t you use the other end of the fork,” he
demanded, ‘‘and just beat him off, without killing him?”

“TI would have,” the farmer answered, “if he had come
at me with the other end.”

TOBACCO

The native pointed with pride to two doddering
ancients hobbling painfully down the village street,
and informed the stranger:

“Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins ninety-eight
year old!” The visitor was duly impressed, and asked
to what the pair of venerable citizens attributed their
long life.

“Tt’s kind o’ which and t’ other,’ the native con-
fessed, “Obadiah declares its all along o° his chewin’
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 235

an’ smokin’ an’ snuffin’ day in an’ day out, fer nigh onto
a hundred year; an’ Ebenezer declares he has his health
becase he never touched the filthy weed.”

TOILETTE DETAILS

The little girl who had observed certain details in
the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed
by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in
a somewhat strange manner.

“Whatever are you trying to do with your doll,
Mary?” the mother asked.

“I’m just going to put her to bed, mummy,” the child
replied seriously. “Ive taken off her hair, but I can’t
get her teeth out.”

TONGUE

An old lady in the London parish of the famous
Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant
interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she
was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands
worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She
therefore took occasion to visit the clergyman, and har-
angued him at length on the sinfulness of pride. Then
she exhibited a pair of scissors, and suggested that she
should cut down the offending neckbands to a size fitting
her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently
to her exhortation, and at the end offered her the neck-
bands on which to work her will. She triumphantly
trimmed them to her taste, and returned the shorn rem-
nants to the minister,
 236 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“And now,” said the Doctor, “you must do me a good
turn also.”

“That I will, Doctor,’ the woman declared heartily.
“What can it be?”

“Well,” the clergyman explained, “you have something
about you which is a deal too long and which causes
me and many others such trouble, that I should like
to see it shorter.”

“Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify
you. What is it? See, here are the scissors! Use them
as you please.”

“Come, then,” said the Doctor, “good sister, put out
your tongue.”

TREACHERY

The Italian workman in the West was warned to look
out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a
snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles.
One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the
Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He
lifted his legs carefully, with the intention of darting
away on the other side of the log the moment the rattles
should sound their warning. But just as his feet cleared
the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were
buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below
the Italian’s trousers. The frightened man fled madly,
but he took breath to shriek over his shoulder:

“Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 237

TREASURE TROVE

An old negro, who had almost attained the century
mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without
friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die,
and stealthily made his way into a farmer’s barn, where
he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had ob-
served the man’s entrance, and after getting his shot-
gun, he hurried to the barn.

“I got you!” he cried savagely. “Dog gone you! I
got you!”

The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the
mow, and showed his toothless gums in a grin, as he
answered:

“An’ a great git you got!”

TRIAL

The colored man was before the court, accused of
horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the in-
dictment sternly, and then asked:

“Are you guilty, or not guilty?”

The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned
propitiatingly as he said:

“Now, suh, boss, ain’t dat perzakly de ting we’se done
gwine diskiver in dis-yere trial?”

TRIPLETS

When the domestic event was due, the prospective
father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the
 238 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He
celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in
the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried
to him, and undid some wrappings that revealed three
tiny faces. The father stared reproachfully at the
clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his group
of children, spoke earnestly:

“Oi’m not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn’t

>)
!

come home at twelve

TRUTH-TELLERS

The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that
all men and women are liars, for Punch records the fol-
lowing as the dialogue between her and her mother when
she had been caught in a fib:

Mother: “It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty.
Those who do so, never go to heaven.”

Kitty: “Don’t you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?”

Mother: “No, dear never.”’

Kitty: “Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won’t you,
with only George Washington?”

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR

The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly
shocked when she read the report as published in the
local paper. The writer had been innocent enough,
for his concluding sentence was:

“The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was re-
markable.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 239

But the merry compositor inserted a period, which
was left undisturbed by the proofreader, so that the
published statement ran:

“The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was
remarkable.”

% * *

The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was
really superb:

“See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire.”

The devilish compositor so tangled the words that,
when the poem was published, this line read:

“See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire.”

% % *

The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:

“The ladies of Prince Charming’s household troops
filled their parts to perfection.”

The compositor, in his haste, read an m for the r in
the word parts, and the sentence, thus changed, radically
in its significance, duly appeared in the morning paper.

VALUES

An American girl who married a Bavarian baron en-
joyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her
husband’s estate. On the death of the wife of one of
the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved
widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sym-
pathy with him in his grief over the loss of his wife,
and she was then much disconcerted by his terse opti-
mistic comment:
 240 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“But it’s a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn’t
the cow.”
Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.

VANITY

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how
greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She
bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to
personal vanity. She added that on this very morning
she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the
temptation of thinking herself beautiful.

“Is that all, my daughter?” the priest demanded.

“Then, my daughter,” the confessor bade her, “go
in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin.”

VICTORY

That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suf-
fered during the centuries to the extent of losing its
head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist
was confronted by this battered figure in the museum,
and his guide had explained that this was the famous
statue of victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen
interest.

“Victory, is ut?” he said, “Thin, begorra, Ol’d loike
to see the other fellow.”

WAR

A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings
of three revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch,
which was the property of an American spinster and
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 241

her two nieces. The girls are pretty and charming,
but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded,
though evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three
soldiers looked over the property and the three women,
and then declared that they were tired of fighting, and
had decided to marry the women and make their home
on the ranch.

The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified,
but even in their misery they were unselfish.

“We are but two helpless women,” they said in effect,
“‘and if we must, we bow to our cruel fate. But please 
oh, please spare our dear auntie. Do not marry her.”

At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for
herself:

“Now, now, you girls you mind your own business.
War is war.”

* * %

“How do countries come ,to go to war?” the little
boy inquired, looking up from his book.

“For various reasons,’ explained the father. “Now,
there was Germany and Russia. They went to war be-
cause the Russians mobilized.”

“Not at all, my dear,” the wife interrupted. “It was
because the Austrians ”

“Tut, tut, my love!” the husband remonstrated. Don’t
you suppose I know?”

“Certainly not you are all wrong. It was be-
cause ”"

“Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because ”

“Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have bog-
gled ”’
 242 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this
matter.”

“Shut up! I won’t have my child mistaught by an
ignoramus.”

“Don’t you dare, you impudent ”

“And don’t you dare bristle at me, or T’H ”

“Oh, never mind!’ the little boy intervened. “I think
I know now how wars begin.”

*% *% *

At our entry into the World War, a popular young
man enlisted and before setting forth for camp in his
uniform made a round of farewell calls. The girl who
first received him made an insistent demand:

“You'll think of me every single minute when you're
in those stupid old trenches!”

“Every minute,’ he agreed solemnly.

“And you'll kiss my picture every night.”

“Twice a night,’ he vowed, with the girl’s pretty
head on the shoulder of the new uniform coat.

“And you'll write me long, long letters?” she pleaded.

“I'll write every spare minute,” he assured her, “and
if I haven’t any spare minutes, I’ll take ’°em anyhow.”

After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent
promises, he went away from there, and called on
another girl. In fact, he called on ten separate and
distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and
sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently
and when it was all done with, he communed with him-
self somewhat sadly.

“I do hope,’ he said wearily, “there won’t be much
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 243

fighting to do over there for I’m going to be awfully
busy.”

WEATHER

The old colored attendant at the court house had a
formula for addressing the judge:

“What’s the news this mawnin’, Jedge?”’

And the judge’s habitual reply was to the effect that
there was no news in particular.

But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there
came a variation:

“Our country has declared war against Spain.” The
darky scratched his head thoughtfully, then rolled his
eyes to squint at the cloudless blue of the sky, and
finally remarked in a pleased tone:

“They shohly done picked a fine day fer it.”

WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead
of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was
deeply perturbed by the change.

“What,” she wanted to know, “will the poor whales
do now?”

WHISKERS

An elderly man was on his way home by train from
a session of three days at a convention of his political
 244 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.)
The man’s personal preferences had been gratified in
the nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated
in a way only too common in the bibulous period of our
history. His absorption in other things and of other
things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the
three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over
his chin, it encountered the long growth of white bristles,
and he was aroused to a realization of his neglect. To
determine just how badly he needed a shave, the elderly
gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for
a mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a
silver-backed hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth,
and held it up to his face with the bristles toward him.
He studied these with great care, groaned and muttered:

“I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will
Sarah Ann say!”

WIDOW

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describ-
ing the wedding she had just attended:

“And then, just as Frank and the widow started up
the aisle to the altar, every lignt ih the church went
out.”

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.

“And what did the couple do then?” someone ques-
tioned.

“Kept on going. The widow knew the way.”
* * *

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satis-
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 245

factorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic
chat.

“Dear John,” the widow questioned eagerly, “are you
happy now?”

“T am very happy,” the spook assured her.

“Happier than you were on earth with me?” the
widow continued, greatly impressed.

“Yes,” John asserted, “I am far happier now than I
was on earth with you.”

“Oh, do tell me, John,” the widow cried rapturously,
“what is it like in heaven?”

“Heaven!” the answer snapped. “I ain’t in heaven!”

WIDOWHOOD

During the parade at the last encampment of the
G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made her-
self not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the
way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor
as to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them.
An annoyed man in the crowd after politely requesting
her to moderate her enthusiasm, quite without effect,
bluntly told her to shut up.

“Shut up yourself!” she retorted in high indignation.
“If you had buried two husbands who had served in the
war, you would be hurrahing, too.”

WIFE

A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted
Billy Sunday with the question:
 246 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Who was Cain’s wife?”

The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:

“I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth.
But I have a word of warning for this questioner. Don't
risk losing salvation by too much inquiring after other
men’s wives.”

WILD WOMEN

The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party,
to which his wife had dragged him, much against his
will, by a group of women pestering him for a story
from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his patience,
he began.

“Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South
America, and there I came across a tribe of wild women,
who had no tongues.”

“Mercy!” exclaimed all the fair listeners with one
voice. “But they couldn’t talk.”

“That,” snapped the old sea captain, “was what made
them wild.”

WISDOM

It’s a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh
when the old man mashes his thumb.

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the
last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows
both His experience and His fatigue.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 247

The following extract is from the diary of a New
England woman who lived in the eighteenth century:

“We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who
carved, held up a rib on his fork, and said: ‘Here,
ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.’ ”

“ *Yes,’ said sister Patty, ‘and it is from very much

a

the same kind of critter’.

* % *

The little girl reported at home what she had learned
at Sunday School concerning the creation of Adam and
Eve:

“The teacher told us how God made the first man and
the first woman. He made the man first. But the man
was very lonely with nobody to talk to him. So God
put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep,
God took out his brains, and made a woman of them.”

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman’s suffrage,
an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking mar-
ried woman, and said:

“Just think! Wouldn’t you love to go with your hus-
band to the voting place, and there cast your vote
along with his?”

The woman shook her head decisively and she an-
swered:

“For goodness sake! If there’s one single thing that
a man’s able to do by himself, let him do it.”
  The following pages have been
selected and edited by “‘Life’s’’ famous
contributor

+ A.C.
 250 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

Oldest Inhabitant: ‘I never expected to live till the
end of the War, Ma’am; but now I’m hoping to be
spared to see the beginning of the next one.”

* *

“That’s Betty Grant’s new maid.”

“‘She’s much smarter than her mistress.”

“Well, they can’t both afford to dress like that.”

* * *

Father: “Don’t know the French for cat, and you
had a French nurse for years!”

Hopeful: “But, Dad, we hadn’t got a cat when
Adele was with us.”

* % *

Betty (after flash of lightning): “Count quickly,

Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can.”
* * *

Employer: “John, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at
your work.”’ °

Boy: “TI wasn’t working, Sir; only whistling.”

*% * *

Mistress: “Oh, Jane, how did you break that
vase?”

Maid: “I’m very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally
dusting.”

* *

Little Girl (in foreground): “Mother, I suppose

the bridegroom must come to his wedding.”
¥% % *

Mistress: “I hope you’re doing what you can to
economise the food.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 251

Cook: “Oh, yes’m. We've put the cat on milk-an’-
water.”

* * %

Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steam-
er’s red and green lights): ‘‘’Ere’s some lights on the
starboard side, Sir.”

Officer: “Well, what is it?”

R. H.: “Looks to me like a drug store, Sir.”

+ * *

“Can you play bridge to-night?”

“Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner.”

““What do you like the stuff?”

“Frankly, no; but I’ve heard on the best authority
that his musie’s very much better than it sounds.”

%* * &

Master: “But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint
is not pewmonia. Surely, you’ve heard me again and
again say ‘pneumonia’ ?”

Man; “Well, Sir, I ’ave; but I didn’t like to cor-
rect you.”

% *% +

Successful Poultry Farmer: “You'd be surprised
what a difference these incubators make. We can
hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week.”

Champion Dog Breeder: “Good gracious! How
ever do you manage to find names for them all?”

% % %

Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the
Zoo to-morrow): “I hope we shall have a better day
for it than Noah had.”
 252 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Mother: “Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth
with the back of your hand?”
Mary: “’Cos it’s so much cleaner than the front.”
* *
Mother (to child who has been naughty): “Aren’t
you rather ashamed of yourself?”
Child: “Well, Mother, I wasn’t. But now that

you've suggested it I am.”
* %

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking
a short cut to the station): “By jove! I believe I shall

catch that train after all.”
* * *

LIFE’S DIFFICULTIES

Mother: “Why, what’s the matter, darling?”
Small daughter (tearfully): “Oh, Mums, I do so
want to give this worm to my hen.”
Mother: “Then why don’t you?”
Small daughter (with renewed wails): “’C-cos I’m
so afraid the worm won't like it.”
%* * *
“Does God make lions, Mother?”
“Yes, dear.”
“But isn’t he frightened to?”
* * #
“Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pick-
pockets about here with a handkerchief marked
“Susan’?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 253

Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones (who is gazing at an aero-
plane): “My word! I shouldn’t care for one of them
flying things to settle on me.”

¥ * &

The Woman: “Jazz stockings are the latest thing,
dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on.”

The Man: “What appalling rot! Er after you
with the paper.”

%* * 4%

Small Invalid (to visitor): “I’ve had a lot of dis-
eases in my time measles whooping-cough influ-
enza tonsilitis but (modestly) I haven’t had dropsy

>>

yet.

*% % *

THE SERVANT PROBLEM

Lady: ‘“‘And why did your last mistress ”
Applicant (loftily): “Excuse me, Madam!”
Lady: ‘“Well er your last employer ”
Applicant: “I beg your pardon, Madam!”
Lady: “Well, then, your last er pray what do
you call those in whose service you are engaged?”
Applicant: ‘Clients, Madam.”
* *
Small Girl: “I wonder how old Joan is?”
Small Boy: “I bet she won’t see four again.”
* * *
Mother: “Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the
mistletoe ?”’
Mary (demurely): “Yes, Mummy.”
Mother: “And did you enjoy it?”

 

 
 254 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Mary: “Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (very de-
murely) I struggled.”
* * *
“Mollie, you haven’t said your prayers.”
“I’m going to say them in bed to-night.”
“Oh, Mollie, that isn’t etiquette.”
* * #
Applicant for Situation: ‘‘And ’ow long did yer last

cook oblige yerr”’
 *%

TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR

“George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought
some tripe for dinner and she’s still looking at it
through her lorgnette.”’

* * %

“I hear you’ve taken up golf. What do you go
round in?”

“Well, usually in a sweater.”

* * *

Small Boy (walking round links with his father):
“Daddy, here’s a ball for you.”

Father: ‘Where did you get that from?”

Small Boy: “It’s a lost ball, Daddy.”

Father: “Are you sure it’s a lost ball?”

Small Boy: “Yes, Daddy; they’re still looking
for it.”

* *

Small Boy (toying with dull blanc-mange): ‘Please

may I have an ice instead of finishing this ’cos I feel

sick P”’
x * +&
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 255

THE NEW APPRECIATION

Wife (habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who
has knocked her husband down): “That was a lovely
upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?”

* x% *%

Lady: “I’ve just been making my side ache over
your latest book.”

Author (delighted): “Oh, really. Did you find it
so amusing?”

Lady: “Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top

of it.”
x * &

Employer (inspecting a very inflated bill for work):
““Look here how did you get at this amount?”
Odd Jobs Man: “Well, Sir, didn’t know how you’d
prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time.”
Employer: “Oh, really! I thought you must have
been charging by eternity.”
* * +
Tourist: “Have you any cold meat?”
Waiter: ‘Well, we have some that’s nearly cold,
Sir.”
* * &
Lady: “If you please, Cook, may we have steak
and onions for lunch to-day?”
Cook: “You can have steak, but I’m afraid I can’t
let you have onions. You see, I’m going out this after-
noon, and onions always make my eyes so red.”

*% * *

Small Boy (on being told by cousin that she is en~
 256 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

gaged to be married): “Oh! (long pause) and what
did your husband say when he engaged you?”
* * *

Master: “But why do you want to get married,
Jones?”

Butler: “Well, Sir, I don’t want my name to dte
out.”

* *% *

Artist (in desperation): ‘That, Sir, I consider the
finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the
catalogue price.”

The Visitor: “Bless my soul! You dcn’t say so.
By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?”’

* *

“Well, Mollie, How do you like your new teacher?”

“I half like her, and I half don’t like her. But I
think I half don’t like her most.”’

* ¥* *

“Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor
presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you
can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let
him know how long it will be before your bath stops
overflowing through his ceiling?”

* *

Old Lady (interrogating her chauffeur’s small boy):
“Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?”

Small Boy: “Yes, you’re the old lady what goes
for rides in my daddy’s car.”

%¥ * &

Parent: “I should like you to have ‘good’ in your

> >>

report, and not always ‘fair.
Young Hopeful: “I daresay you would, Dad. But,
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 2577,

you see, I’m an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and
that’s an ordinary report.”
* *%
Optimist: “Cheer up, old man. Things aren’t as’
bad as they seem.”

Pessimist: “No, but they seem so.”
*% x %

OUR MODERN INFANT

Genial Uncle: “Well, old chap, we’ve not done any-
thing together for a long time. How about the Zoo
next Sunday, eh?”

Small Boy: “Thanks very much. I can’t say off-
hand, but Vil ring you up.”

* *

Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception): “You
don’t look nearly as tired as I should have thought.”

Bride: ‘Don’t I, dear? But why did you think I
should look tired?”

Little Girl: “Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad
that you’d been running after Mr. Goldmore for

months and months.’’
& %

A SUBTLE DISTINCTION

“I say come and dance. This is a toppin’ fox-trot
they’re playin’.”
“Thanks but I’m only waltzing this evening.
We're still in mourning, you know.”
* *

Specialist (to patient suffering from insomnia):
 258 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming
through a gate?”

Patient: “Well, I counted up to a hundred and
twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time
to get up.” |

%* * &

Neighbor (bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast):
“You’re wanted at ome, Charlie. Yer wife’s just pre-
sented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax.”

% * *%

Joan (whose mother has just bought her a pair of'
woolen gloves): “Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid.
I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy.”

% *% *

Lady (to applicant for situation as cook): ‘Have
you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under
your”

Cook: “In these days we never speak of having
people ‘under us.’ But I have had colleagues.”

% * *

Father: ‘Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the
office this morning about your fight with his boy yes-
terday.”

Son: “Did he? I hope you got on as well as I
did.”

x¥ * *%

Artist (condescendingly): “I did this last summer.
It really isn’t much good.”

Candid Friend: “No, it certaialy isn’t. But who
told you?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 259

BLUE BLOOD

Mrs. Profiteer: “Is this a pedigree dog?”

Dealer: “Pedigree? I should just think ’e is,
Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk ’e wouldn't
speak to either of us.”

*% * ¥%

Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony):
“‘Mummie, are we all getting married?”

x * *%

Small Girl: “To-day’s my mummy’s_ wedding-
day.”

Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): “My
mummy was married years ago.”

% * %
om,

“Wot’s a minimum wage, Albert?”
“Wot yer gets for goin’ to yer work. If yer wanta
ter make a bit more yer does a bit o’ work for it.”
%* €

Office Boy (anzious to go to football match): “May
T have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand. ”
Employer: “Oh, yes, I’ve heard that before. Your
grandmother died last week.”
Office Boy: “Yes, Sir; but my grandfather’s gete
ting married again this afternoon.”
%* *

 

Minister’s Wife: “My husband was asking only this
morning why you weren’t in the habit of attending
ehurch.”’

Latest Inhabitant: “Well, you see, it does so cut
into one’s Sundays.”
 260 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Two mistakes here, waiter one in your favor, one
in mine.”

“In your favor, Sir? Where?”

* *

Mistress: “Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts
in the cake.”

Cook: “You don’t catch me crackin’ no more nuts
to-day. I’ve very near broke me jaw already.”

* &

Gushing Lady: “Yes, she’s married to a lawyer, and
a good honest fellow too.”

Cynic: “Bigamist!”

* * *

Mother: “Augustus, you naughty boy, you’ve been
smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?”

Augustus: “Thank you I’m only dying.”

%* *

New Butler: “At what time, Sir, would you wish to
dine as a rule?”

Profiteer: ‘What time do the best people dine?”’

New Butler: “At different times, Sir.”

Profiteer: “Very well. Then I, too, will dine at
different times.”

* *

Fond Mamma: “I semetimes think, Percy, you
don't treat your dear father with quite the proper re-
spect.”

Young Hopeful: “Well, Ma, I never liked the
man.”

+ * %

Playful Hostess: “Couldn’t you manage one more

éclair?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 261

Serious Little Boy: “No, fanks, I’ve no more
room.”

Playful Hostess: “If I picked you up by the heels
and shook you, would that help?”

Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): “No,
fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end.”

% * *

Vicar’s Wife: “What are you children doing in
daddy’s study?”

Ethel: “It’s a great secret, Mummy. We're giv-
ing daddy a new bible for his birthday.”

Vicar’s Wife: “Oh and what are you writing in
it?”

Ethel: “Well, you see, we thought we’d better copy
what daddy’s friends put in the books they give him,

so we're writing, ‘With the author’s compliments.’ ”’
+ * &

THE OBSTACLE

George: “I proposed to that girl and would have
married her if it hadn’t been for something she said.”

Fred: ‘What did she say?”

George: “No!”

* * *

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

She: “Well! Let us change the subject. I’ve done
nothing but talk about myself all evening.”

He: “I’m sure we couldn’t find anything better.”

She: “Very well, then! Suppose you talk about
me for a while.”
 262 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“I say, Taxi, I’ve only got enough change to pay
the exact fare. D’you mind taking a cheque for the

tip?”
% & ©

A CHANCE LOST

“Who was the originator of the idea that a husband
and wife are one?”
“I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved
a lot of argument if he had said which one.”
*% * %

He: “TI never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr.
Preachly married an actress.”
She: “Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in
those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches.”
* * &

DURING THE QUARREL

He: “But if you will allow me to
She: “Oh! I know what you are going to say, but
you're quite mistaken and I can prove it.”
* * #*

3?

 

CONDITIONAL

Eloping Bride: “Oh, Jack! I can’t help wonder-
ing what father will say when he gets our letter.”

Bridegroom: “It can’t make any difference to our
happiness, darling so long as he doesn’t do it when
we get back.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 263

JUST IGNORANCE

He (dejectedly): “I’m sure I don’t see why our
parents won't give their consent. I consider their con-
duct is little short of cruel.”

She: “Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies

like they are to know anything about love?”
* ¥ *

ALL IN ONE BREATH

Wife: “I’m afraid you'll think me rather extrava-
gant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat,
and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers,
and some nine pins for Freddie’s birthday. By the

way, what are you going to buy him?”
% * %

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

“Mamma!”
“What is it, dear?”
“It seems to me that a ‘silly question’ is something

that you don’t know the answer to.”
%* *

FEMININITY

Julia: “Fanny married a very wealthy man, you
know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish
for.”

Gertrude: “Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to
be in.”
 264 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

GETTING EVEN

Mrs. Lynks: “Jack, I have made up my mind to
fine you ten cents every time you swear.”
Mr. Lynks: “That’s a bargain, if you'll give me
ten cents every time you envy me for being able to.”
% * »#

A SOOTHING EFFECT

“Do you miss your husband as much as when he
first went away?”
“No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent

>>
me a power of attorney.
* *

IN THAT CASE

She: “When one is really thirsty, there is nothing
so good as pure, cold water.”

He: “I guess I have never been really thirsty.”
x * &

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

“Well! we’ve missed that confounded train. What
time will the next one be here?”

“If the engine doesn’t break down, and the track
doesn’t spread, and they don’t run into any cows, and
the up-freight isn’t behind time, and the swing bridge
isn’t open, it ought to be here in about two hours.”

* *

The Count: “I weesh to marry your daughtaire,

saire! JI am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire.”’
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 265

The Milhonaire: “But I thought you were a bank-
rupt.”
The Count: “I mean zat I am vorth zat moch to

you.
* *
“I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of
this place?”
“A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week.”

*% % *%

Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-
house for eggs): “Well, dear, were there no eggs?”
Little Girl: “No, mummie, only the one the hens
use for a pattern.”
%* * *

“It’s funny that you should be so tall. Your
brother, the artist, is short, isn’t he?”
He (absently): “Yes, usually.”
x* * &

Urchin (contemptuously): “Huh! Yer mother
takes in washin’!”
Neighbor: ‘Well, yer didn’t s’pose she’d leave it

hangin’ aht overnight unless your farver was in prison,
did yer?”

*& * ¥

HIS SPHERE

“His versatility is something extraordinary.”

“TY had an idea he was rather stupid.”

“That’s just it. I never met a man who could make
more different kinds of a fool of himself.”
 266 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Poetic Bridegroom: “I could sit here forever, gaz-
ing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the
ocean.”

Practical Bride: “Oh! That reminds me, darling,

we have not paid our laundry bill yet.”
%* *&

A LOVERS’ QUARREL

George: ‘‘Why don’t Jack and Laura make up?”
Kate: “’Sh! They’d like to, but unfortunately they

can’t remember what they quarreled about.”
* * *

A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY

Elsie: “When is my birthday, Mother?”

Her Mother: “On the thirty-first of this month,
dear.”

Elsie: “Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had

had only thirty days, where would I have been?”
*% * *

GETTING RECKLESS

She: “I’m surprised at Jane’s staying out in the
boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A
woman of thirty is old enough to know better.”

He: “Aren’t you afraid she is too old to know bet-
ter?”

* * %

“I shail never find anyone else like you. You see,
you're so different from other girls.”

“Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from
other girls.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 267

RETROACTIVE

“You know you should love your neighbor as your-
self.”’
“But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always
end by hating myself.”
* * *
Pupil: “What I want to know is, am I a bass or a
baritone?”

Teacher: “‘No you're not.”
x *

APOLOGIZING

“Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?”
“Yes! I am.”
“Then I hope you aren’t offended. I didn’t mean

what I thought about you.”
% & &

DENIED THE PRIVILEGE

The Child: “Mother! Did you buy a ticket for
me?”

The Mother: ‘No, dear! They don’t charge for
little boys.”

The Child: “Is that ’cos we’re too little to reach

the straps?”
* * +

A GOOD PLAN

She: ‘The Burrowes are having their wooden wed-
ding next week. What can we give them?”
 268 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“We might send them a receipt for some of the

money he owes me.”
* * *

ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN

First Voter: “So Mr. Jones has been elected. You
voted for him, of course?”

Second Voter: “No, I voted for the other man.
You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman’s Suffrage, which
I abhor.”

*% * *

FAMILIARITY, ETC.

“I’m so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy
your visit to the South?”
“Oh, not very much! There wasn’t a soul where I

was staying except intimate friends.”
* * *

REASSURING

She: “Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that
you love me?”

He: “My darling! You don’t suppose that I have
lived for thirty years without knowing love when I

feel it.”
% & &

HOW IT HAPPENED

“What! You don’t mean to tell me they are en-
gaged! Why! They never met until a week ago.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 269

“I know it. But they happened, while out rowing

together, to get caught in a thunder storm.”
x * &

A LINGUIST

“She is one of the most remarkable women I ever
met.”
“In what way?”

“She can keep silence in four different languages.”
% * #

THE DIFFERENCE

She: “I’m so glad we’re engaged.”
He: “But you knew all the time that I loved you,
didn’t you?”
She: “Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn’t.”
* * %

THE ROAD TO  , ETC.

“Well, what are you sneering about? You don’t
seem to have much faith in my good resolutions.”
“I was just wondering if you had taken the paving

contract for the next world.”
x * *

CLASSIFIED

Mrs. Bargain: “Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Ed-
ward into giving me the money for a new hat.”

Mr. Bargain: “Which I shall enter in my accounts
as ‘Hush Money.’ ”
 270 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A SOLUTION
The Mistress: “Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent

those flowers I would have returned them unopened.”
The Maid: ‘Shure, Miss, couldn’t ye take a few

out, and sind the rist back unopened?”
x * #*

ENCOURAGING

He: “My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you
not give me one ray of hope before I leave you for-

ever?”

She: ‘‘Er that clock is half an hour fast.”
% * *

AN ALIAS

Miss Hen: “I demand an explanation! You told
me that your name was plain ‘Mr. Rooster,’ and that

> 9d)

poet just now addressed you as ‘Chanticleer
* * &

Lady (to prospective daily housemaid): “The
hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and
a half off for dinner.”

D. H.: “For luncheon, I suppose you mean. And
I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my

club and have to dress first.’’
x *

CHANGING PLACES

“They say that she was his stenographer before mar-
riage.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 271

“She has evidently reversed the order of things.”
“How sop”

“She does the dictating now.”
¥ * *

ECONOMY

Young Husband: “I see that sugar has gone down
two points.”

Young Wife: “Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds
to-day, then.”

* * *

Best Man (seeing couple off on honeymoon): “Here
you are just a few magazines to help pass away the
time.”

* & &

Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering
glances at the cakes): “Y don’t think you can eat any
more of those cakes, can you, John?”

John: “No, I don’t think I can. But may I stroke
them?”

%¥ * &

Mr. Househunter: “I don’t care for thase flats we
looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the
ceilings are too low.”

Mrs. Househunter: “But they are cheap, dear; and

you and I are neither very wide nor very high.”
* * &

QUALIFIED

The Leading Woman: “How does Garrette rank as
an actor?”
The Comedian: ‘‘He doesn’t he is.”’
 272 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

CLAMING ACQUAINTANCE
Chimmie: ‘“Dat’s McCorker de heavy-weight me

cousin used ter go ter school wid’m.”’
Billie: “Dat ain’t nuthin’- me brudder had t’ree
front teet’ knocked out by’m onct.”

*% % %

FROM THE HEART

The Wife: “I have not been able to wear my new
hat yet on account of the weather.”

The Husband: “Humph! And I suppose by the
time it clears up the fashion will have changed.”

* *% ¥

The Reporter: “I beg pardon, but would you be
kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitz-
muggins out with to-morrow night?”

Sledge-hammer Mike: “De solar plexus.”

The Reporter: “And er if you get beaten, what
will your er weak spot have been?”

* % *

AN ARGUMENT

“This theory about fish being brain food is all non-
sense.”

“Why do you say so?”

“Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by
the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day
waiting for them to bite.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 273

THE SECRET

The Man of Theory: “The great secret of happi-
ness lies in being content with one’s lot.”
The Man of Practice: “But it has to be a whole

lot.”
*% * %

WANTS HER RIGHTS

He: “There is nothing like experience after all.
She is our greatest teacher.”

She: “And there is no holding back her salary,
either.”

* * *

“And are you a good needlewoman and renovator,
and willing to be useful?”

“Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstand-

ing. I am a lady’s maid not a useful maid.”
* *

GETTING BACK

Customer to Palmist: “Five dollars fee? Er 
would you have any objection to waiting until I get
some of the money you say is coming to me?”

* *
Betty: “Mummy, does God send us our food?’
Mother: “Yes, dear; of course He does.”

Betty: “But what a price!”
* *&

DURING VACATION

The Summer Girl: “It pains me to be compelled to
say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you.”
 274 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The Summer Man: ‘“Well er could you manage

to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?”
% *& *

NOT UNIQUE

He: “Crowded, were you? I thought you went
early to avoid the rush.”
She: “So I did; but about five thousand other peo-

ple did the same thing.”
* * *

A NOBLE AIM

She: “Have you heard anything about the woman’s
Reform Club?”
“Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything

except the Club and everybody except the members.”
* % *

ONCE TOO OFTEN

“Yes, dear, I’m going out to-night. I’ve been asked
to take supper with an old comrade in arms.”

“By the way, darling, how many men did your regi-
ment muster?”

*% * %

“Phwat’s the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look
hurted.”

“Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi
thought av him, an’ ut appears he thought worse av

a)

me.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 275;

CAUSE AND EFFECT

“What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons
must witness.”

“Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they
run over some one.”

* * 4

“He’s a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the
dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you
advise me to buy him?”

“That depends upon your eye for a horse and his

ear for music.”’
+ * *

SYMPATHY

Freddie (aged siz): “Mother, you know that lovely
purse you gave me for my birfday?”

His Mother: “Yes, dear! What of it?”

Freddie: “It makes me feel orful to think of it

just lyin’ in the drawer ‘ithout a cent in its stummick.”
+ *& %

SLIGHTED

“I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence,
and am quite ready to be friends again.”
“Misunderstanding, indéed! If you had any feeling

you'd call it a quarrel.”
% &

GOING FURTHER

Flora: “T think that Maud has been awfully mean
to you. If I were you I’d get even with her.”
 276 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Dora: “Getting even with her won't satisfy me.

I’m going to get uneven with her.”
%+ * &

GETTING ON

Old Gentleman: ‘Well, children! and what are you
learning at school?”’
Small Boy: “Oh, she’s learning to make paper dolls

and I’m learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones.”
* * &

LITERALLY

He: “I understand that she fairly threw herself at
him.”
She: “Yes! They met in an automobile collision.”
*& *% *

AN EXTENSIVE LOVE

She: “They say that he fairly worships the ground
she walks on.”
He: “That’s saying a good deal when you consider

what a golf fiend she is.”
% % *

CAUSE AND EFFECT

“The way those people flaunt their money fairly
makes me ill.”
“Sour grapes always did have that effect.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 277

NO DISSENSION

Mrs. Storme: “How is your Debating Society get-
ting along?”

Mrs. Karn: “Very well. We have forty members,
and we all agree beautifully.”

* * *

“Why are they not speaking?”

“They quarreled about which loved the other the
more.” |

“Well!”

“And now each is afraid to give in for fear of of-

fending the other.”’
* *

IN KEEPING

“I really believe he married her only because he
wanted a ‘good housekeeper.”’
“And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a

month’s warning.”
x * &

HE KNEW

She: “I never saw a married couple who got on so
well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby.”

He: “Humph! I know! Each of them does ex-
actly as she likes.”’

* * x

ARRANGED TO FIT

Elsie: “Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I’d change every-
fing into cake, an’ eat it all up.”
 278 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Mother: “I’m afraid such a lot of cake would make
you sick.”
Elsie: “Oh! but I’d change myself into a Nelephant

* * &

PROBABLY

“I want to buy you something useful for your birth-
day. What can you suggest?”
“Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do

as well as anything.”
¥ £ &

SURE SIGNS

“Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are
the symptoms?”

“Twins.”
x * «*

SUCH A WASTE

Mrs. Bizzy: “I am so sorry to hear that your wife
has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey.
Where did she hit you?”

Casey: “Faith, Ma’am! That’s what Oi do be
afther complainin’ av. “Twas a whole set av dishes

broke to pieces an’ she niver hit me wanst.”’
*& % *

TOO ONE-SIDED

“What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let
us forgive and forget.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 279

“That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving,

and you are always forgetting.”
| * * +

DISCRETION

Miss Bizzy: “I am glad to hear that you are mar-
ried, O’Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don’t
have many differences of opinion.”

O’Brien: “Faith, ma’am, we have a good many, but

Oi don’t let her know about them.”’
x + *

BETTER UNSAID

Cholly Lyttlebrayne: “Yes, the doctors saved my
life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars.”
Miss Thotless: “Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what ex-

travagance!’’
2 * &

LETTING HIM KNOW

Flora: “I’m writing to tell Jack that I didn’t mean
what I said in my last letter.”

Dora: “What did you say in your last letter?”

Flora: “That I didn’t mean what I said in the one
before.”

WHY, INDEED

The Husband: ‘Why is it that women always say,
‘I'll be ready in two seconds’ ?”
 280 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The Wife: ‘“Humph! and why is it that men always
say, ‘Oh! I’m ready now’?”
* *
Madge: “Have you given Jack your final answer
yet?”
Mabel: “Not yet but I have given him my final
‘No.’ ”

% * %

ONLY THEIR WAY

First Lady (effusively): “I am more than charmed
to see you, my dear Mrs. er um .”

Second Lady (more effusively): How lovely of
you! So am I delighted. I do hope we'll meet again

very, VERY soon, my dearest Mrs. um er .”
* %*% &

INADVERTENT

Prospective Bride: “I am glad I decided to be mar-
ried in a traveling dress a wedding dress costs such a
lot.”

Dressmaker: “Yes, miss, and the next time you

wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion.”
* * &

MAKING SURE

“Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph
to show to his parents.”’

“I thought he had dozens of your photos.”

“Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 281

MORE DESPERATE STILL

She: “Oh! there’s no use of my giving you any
hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage.”
He: “But I’ve known cases of love in a four-room
flat, with steam-heat and all improvements.”
* * *

SYMPATHY

The Tabby-Cat: “TI am just heart-broken! I had
six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave
one away!”

The Parrot: ‘Wasn't it too bad of them to go and

break the set?’’
* x %

POPULAR OPINION

First Burglar: “Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de
leg I broke doin’ dat second-story job didn’t do a t’ing
but soak me fifty plunks!”

Second Burglar: “Oh, say, wasn’t that robbery?”

* * *

MORE OPPORTUNITY

The Wife: “Really, my dear, you are awfully ex-
travagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as
self-denying as you are.”

The Husband: “But he has just twice as muck
money to be self-denying with.”
 282 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty.”

“Not ‘frightfully, mummy. A lot of that’s shad-
ing.”

x * *

The Ant: “Well, we've struck!”

The Gnat: “What for?”

The Ant: “Longer hours.”

* * *

Effie: “George and I have been down-stairs in the
dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Hus-
band and Wife!”

Mr. Mitcham: ‘How did you do that, my dear?”

Effie: “Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table,
and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, “This food
isn’t fit to eat!’ and I said, ‘It’s all you'll get!’ and

Georgy said, ‘Damn!’ and I got up and left the room!”
x * *

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT

She: “TI am sorry to hear that they have separated.
Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?”

He: “Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled.”’

¥ * *

He: “By the bye, talking of old times, do you re-
member that occasion when I made such an awful ass
of myself?”

She: “Which?”

* * &

Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): “Ain't you
getting tered of hearing people say, “That is the beau-
tiful Miss Belsize! ?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 283

Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): “Oh, no.
I’m getting tired of hearing people say, ‘Is that the
beautiful Miss Belsize?’ ”

% *

Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth,
who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to
her a quarter of an hour ago): ‘And now let us talk
of something else!”

* *

Mamma: “It’s very late, Emily. Has anybody
taken you down to supper?”

Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite):
“Oh, yes, Mamma several people!’

* * *

Guest: “Well, good-bye, Old Man! and you've
really got a very nice little place here!”

Host: “Yes; but it’s rather bare, just now. I hope
the trees will have grown a good bit before you’re back,
Old Man!”

% * -*

She: “No! I can’t give you another dance. But
I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!”

He: “But I don’t want to dance with the prettiest
girl in the room. I want to dance with you!”

* *

“I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is
beyond all limits. One word more and I I withdraw
my overdraft.”

* % *

Wife (at upper window): “Where you bin this hour
of the night?”

“I’ve bin at me union, considerin’ this ’ere strike.”
 284 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“‘Well you can stay down there an’ consider this
’ere lock-out.”
* *
Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed
without result): ‘“What’s the matter?”
Voice from below: ‘One of the cylinders is missing,
Sir.”
Commander: ‘Well, look sharp and find the bally
thing we want to get on.”
* * *
Mother: “Did you remember to pray for every-
body, dear?”
Daughter: ‘Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but
Jack prayed for Daddy. He’s looking after him just

a3

now.
* % %

JUSTIFICATION

Wife: “Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?”
He: “Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is
the anniversary of our wedding-day?”’
+ *
First Flapper: “The cheek of that conductor! He
glared at me as if I hadn’t paid any fare.”
Second Flapper: ‘And what did you do?”
First Flapper: “I just glared back at him as if I
had!”
%* *
Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to “no
toast”): “Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd
rather have a hard smack anywhere you like.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 285

Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat’her pet
dog): “And if you find you can’t cure him, Doctor,
will you please put him out of pain? and of course
you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient.”

% * *%

Governess: “Well, Mollie, what are little girls made
of ?”

Mollie: “Sugar and spice and all that’s nice.”

Governess: “And what are little boys made of?”

Mollie: “Snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails.
I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly be-
lieve it.”

* * *

“I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-
bike?”

“Of course. Why ask?”

“Well, I couldn’t find the beastly thing.”

*% % *%

Irate Parent: ‘‘While you stood at the gate bidding
my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you ”
The Suitor: “Certainly not, sir! I never stayed
as late as that.”’
%¥ * *

Wife: “My dear, we’ve simply got to change our
family doctor. He’s so absent-minded. Why, this
afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope,
and while he was listening he called out suddenly,
“Halloa! Who is it speaking?’ ”

\ % & x

Mrs. Goodheart: “I am soliciting for the poor.
What do you do with your cast-off clothing?”
 286 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Mr. Hardup: “TI hang them up carefully and go to

bed. Then I put them on again in the morning.”
* * &

‘‘What’s the matter, little boy?” said the kindhearted
man. “Are you lost?”

“No,” was the manful answer; “I ain’t lost; I’m
here. But I’d like to know where father and mother
have wandered to.”

% * &

Helen’s elder sister: “You know, all the stars are
worlds like ours.”

Helen: “Well, I shouldn’t like to live on one it
would be so horrid when it twinkled.”

%* * &

“Can I ’ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht
a job fer my missis?”

“You'll be back in the morning, I suppose ?”’

“Yus if she don’t get it.”

x *

Child: “Mother, I have been good to-day so pa-
tient with Nurse.”

%* *

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case
of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention
until he came to his final instruction.

“Above all things,” he said, “if your clothing catches
fire, remain cool.”

% * +

Wife: “Yes, dear. I thought I’d buy you some-
thing you'd never think of buying for yourself.”

Husband (as he gazes with horror at the canary-col-
ored socks): ‘“‘Yes, dear, and you have succeeded.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 287

Podger (to new acquaintance): “I wonder if that
fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?”

Cooler: “I can easily find out by asking her she
is my wife.”

% * *

Young Husband: “It seems to me, my dear, that
there is something wrong with this cake.”

The Bride (smiling triumphantly): “That shows
what you know about it. The cookery book says it’s
perfectly delicious.”

%* * *

Wife (referring to guest): ‘“‘He’s a most attractive
man; is he married?”

Husband: “I dunno. He’s a reserved chap keeps
all his troubles to himself!”

* *

Questioning a class, an inspector asked:

“If you were to say to me, ‘You was here yester-
day,’ would that be right?”

“No, sir,” was the reply.

“And why not?”

“Please, sir, because you wasn’t.”

* * *

Salesman: “Another advantage of this machine,
madam, is that it is fool-proof.”

Sweet Thing (placidly): ‘‘No doubt, to the ordi-
nary kind. But you don’t know my husband.”

* * *

The Stage Manager: “Now then, we're all ready,
run up the curtain.”

The New Hand: “Wot yer talkin’ about ‘run up
the curtain’ think I’m a bloomin’ squirrel?”
 288 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Old Gentleman (to new gardener): “Why do you
always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?”

The Gardener: “’Cause I ’ates the sight of the
blooming thing.”

% % %

“My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?”

“Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round.”

“But it’s pouring! Why, I wouldn’t send a dog out
to golf in such weather.”’

x *

Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress):
“Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone
as quick as you do them up.’””

Cook (acting as lady’s-maid): ‘“‘Yes’m, they do.
That’s why I wouldn’t have it myself when I tried it

on at the shop the other day.”
%* &

HIS REPUTATION

Waitress: ‘He ain’t no good, Lil- he’s one of these
fellers wot chooses the price first an’ then runs his

fingers along the bill o’ fare to see wot he gets for it.”
% & &

NOT UP-TO-DATE

Penelope: “What made George and Alice break
their engagement?”
Clarissa: “He complained that she was too ‘Effemi-
nate’ for the present day.”
* *

“Some wise person once said that silence was golden,
did he not?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 289

“I believe so. Whyr”
“I was just thinking how extravagant some women

are

NOT RESTRICTED

“That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss
Binks is a free thinker.”
“Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?”
%¥ #*

John: “Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your
ticket.”

Mirandy: “Daon’t yew dew it, John; yew can’t say
fer sure that the train’]l show up lI don’t never be-
lieve in payin’ fer a thing ’til I git it.”

%¥ *

The Wife: “Oh, you needn’t sneer! I mean every
word I say.”

I’m not sneering, my dear. I’m just thinking what
a lot you must mean.” |

* *

The Escort: Who’s that fellow who seems to know
you?

The Lady: Only a second cousin once removed.

The Escort: Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted
removing again.

% & 4%

Voice (far off): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!
Satiated Camper: ll right, all right! Who’s argu-
ing about it?
 290 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A GREAT ATHLETE

Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates
together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They
met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.

“Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?’ asked Pat.
“He has just won a gold medal in a foot race.”

“Bedad,” replied Mike. “Sure, an’ thot’s foine. But
did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?”

“I don’t remember,” replied Pat.

“Well,” said Mike, “he’s got a gold medal for five
miles, an’ one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for
cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for
wrestling, an’ badges for boxing an’ rowing!”

“Begorra,” said Pat, “he must have bin a wonderful
athlete, indade!”’

“Shure, an’ he’s no athlete at all at all,” came the
reply. “He kapes the pawnshop!”

* * *

NOTHING NEW TO HIM

The motor car was driven by a determined young
woman, who had knocked down a man without in-
jaring him much.

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped
the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him
manfully.

“Ym sorry it happened,” she said grudgingly, “but
it was all your fault. You must have been walking
carelessly. I’m an experienced driver. I’ve been driv-
ing a car for seven years.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 291

“Well,” replied her victim angrily, “I’m not a nov-
ice myself. I’ve been walking for fifty-seven years.”

* % *

Lady (to pediar): “No, thank you, we never buy
anything at the door.”

Pedlar: “Then I’ve just the thing for you, Madam.
You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little
‘No Pedlars’ notices.”

* & 4%

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read.
Yes; but it is Just as well not to say it when there are
women and children around.

x * x

Mother: It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.

Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a
funny nose that man’s got. So you see it would have
been much ruder if I’d said it aloud.

% ¥* %

She (pouting): You don’t value my kisses as you
used to.

He: Value them? Why, before we were married
I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy,
and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment
for a new dress.

KNOWLEDGE

The son of the family was home on his first vacation.
since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect.
 292 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

He and his father were discussing affairs of the day,

and finally the boy remarked: “Say, Guv, I hope when

I am as old as you are, I’ll know more than you do.”

“T’ll go you one better, my boy,” the father replied.

“I hope that when you are that old you will know as
much as you think you do now.”
¥ * &

A HUMBLING SIGHT

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties
of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last in-
duced to employ the services of a local artist in order
to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiv-
ing the first impression she failed to recognise the figure
thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set
out for the artist’s studio to ask if there was no mistake.

“Is that me?’ she queried.

“Yes, madam,” replied the artist.

“And is it like me?” she again asked.

“Yes, madam; it’s a speaking likeness.”

“Aweel!” she said, resignedly, ‘“‘it’s a humblin’
sicht.”

+ % %

Dollie: Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she
doesn’t wear very well.

Pollie (kindly): I know, but the poor thing wears
the best she has, I suppose.

* *

TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER

A woman who had visited every department of one
of the big London shops and worried the majority of
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 293

the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated
one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.
“Madam,” he asked, “are you shopping here?”

The lady looked surprised, but not by any means
annoyed. “Certainly!” she replied. “What else
should I be doing?”

For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he
blurted out, “Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were
taking an inventory!”

* & +
Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drown-
ing): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank
you before all the crew at retreat.
Sailor: Don’t do that, sir, they’ll half kill me!
%* &
Steward: Can I do anything for you, sir?
Passenger (faintly): You might present my com-
pliments to the chief engineer and ask him if there is
any hope of the boilers blowing up.
* &
Lady (to box office manager): Can you tell me what
they are playing to-morrow night?
* * #
Box Office Manager: “You Never Can Tell,”
Madam.
Lady: Don’t they even let you know?
* *
Village Idiot: Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're

painting the church, I thought I’d better tell you the
clock is ten minutes fast.
 294 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Employer (rebuking employee for slackness): Have
you any idea of the meaning of “Esprit de Corps’?

Stenographer: No, I haven’t, and if it’s anything
vulgar I don’t want to.

% *% *

Sympathetic Lady: What's the matter with your
hand, my little man?

Boy: Sawed the top of my finger off.

Sympathetic Lady: Dear, dear, how did you do
that?

Boy: Sawing.

REMEMBERED

Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just
returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a
fine memory his little son Bobby has.

“And do you suppose he will remember me?” said
Jinks.

“Remember you? Why, he remembers every face
that he ever saw.”

An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks
had shaken hands with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby
over to him.

“And do you remember me, my little man?”

“Course Ido. You're the same man that pa brought
home last summer, and ma was so wild about it that
she didn’t speak to pa for a whole week.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 295

NATURAL DEDUCTION

“The man that argues with a woman is a fool,” said
Mr. Gadspur.

“I agree with you,” said Mr. Twobble.

“And if he expects to have the last word he’s an
even bigger fool.”

“Quite so, quite so. What did you and the ‘Missus’
quarrel about this morning?”

* £ *

TOO GOOD

“Well, Alice,’ said a Southern woman to a coloured
girl formerly in her employ, “I hear that you have
married.”

“Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now.”

“Is he a good provider, Alice?”

“Yassum. He’s powerful good provider, but Ah’s
powerful skeered he’s gwine git catched at it.”

% * x%

AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT

Mother: “What! Have you been fighting again,
Johnnie? Good little boys don’t fight.”

Johnnie: “Yes, I know that. I thought he was a
good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he

wasn’t.”’
¥ * *

TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA

Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been
reading, and inquired of his father:
 296 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Dad, who was Mozart?”

“Good gracious, boy! You don’t know that!” in-
dignantly returned his parent. “Go and read your
Shakespeare.”

HE TAKES YOUR TIME

“The chief objection we have to the man who ‘knows
it all,’ ’’ remarked the Observer of Events and Things,
“is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know
it all, too.”

THE FLOOR HELD

“Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?”
asked one man of his friend.

“Sure,” was the answer. “Did you think it would
go through?”

HIS DIFFICULTY

Real Estate Agent: “This tobacco plantation is a
bargain. I don’t see why you hesitate. What are
you worrying about?”

Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser: “I was
just wondering whether I should plant cigars or ciga-
rettes,”’
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 297

THE REAL JOB

“What’s this new conference they’re going to have
in America?”
“Oh, they’re going to make peace among the Al-
lies.”
%* *

OFF LIKE A SHOT

It was a case of attempted murder, in which the
prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his in-
tended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecu-
tion was being severely cross-examined by the defend-
ing counsel.

“You say that you heard both shots fired?” he
asked sternly.

“Yes, sir.”

“‘How near were you to the scene of the affair?”

“At the time the first shot was fired I was about
twenty feet from the prisoner.”

“Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how
far you were off when you heard the second shot.”

“Well, sir,’ replied the witness slowly, “I didn’t ex-
actly measure the distance; but, speaking approxi-
mately, I should say about half a mile.”

% * *

ANSWERED

She: “And what would you be now if it weren't
for my money?”
He: “A bachelor.”
 298 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

TO BE SURE

Lily: “Harold proposed to me last night while
turning the music for me at the piano.”

Edith: “Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his
hands!”

A CLOSE CALL

Pat was a simple country yokel who had never
strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and be-
cause he stood in a railway station for the first time
of his life, his amazement was great.

The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled
him, but when the 3.30 express dashed through the
station, that did it. He kept his eyes glued on the
tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after
it as though some kind of miracle had happened. He
remained like this for several minutes, much to the
amusement of the onlookers, until at length an inquisi-
tive porter asked him what he was staring at.

‘Oi was just thinkun’,” he said, pulling himself to-
gether, “what a terribal smash there’d ’a’ bin if he’d
’a’ missed the ’ole!”

Breathless Visitor: Doctor, can you help me? My
name is Jones

Doctor: No, I’m sorry; I simply can’t do anything
for that.

 
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 299

They were talking over the days that will never re-
turn, so they asserted; the days when there was no
thirst in the land. But they had particular reference
to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be it
known, there was much taken to camp in those days
that had little to do with military training, and it was
carried in capacious jugs and big bottles. Everybody
expected his city friends to run down to the camp, and
be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. “The
year I have reference to,” said one of the old-timers,
“was a notably wet one. The first night in camp
everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what every-
body else had brought down from the city. The re-
sult was that when the company of which I was a mem-
ber was ordered to fall in the next morning to answer
the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We
had a new sergeant new to the routine of a camp, and
after he had checked up he should have reported, ‘Sir,
the company is present and accounted for.” Instead
he got rattled and said, ‘Sir, the company is full.” Our
captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, ‘TI

should say as much, full as a tick.’ ”’
% &

READY AND WILLING

Magistrate: “Can’t this case be settled out of
court?”
Mulligan: “Sure, sure; that’s what we were trying
to do, your honor, when the police interfered.”
% *& %&
An old darky visited a doctor and received instruc-
tions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he
 300 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

was about to leave the office, when the doctor called
out “Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me.” “Pay
you fo’ what, boss?” “For my advice.” “Nossuh,
boss,” said Rastus, shuffling out. “I’se compluntated
it from all angles and decided not to take it.”

* * &

An airman had been taking up passengers for short
trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely
fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his pas-
sengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to
speak to him; that he could not talk and give his at-
tention to his machine, and that they must keep silent.
Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself.
He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to
his own satisfaction with no interruption from his pas-
sengers until he felt a touch on his arm. “What is
it?’ he said impatiently. “I’m so sorry to trouble
you,” said a voice behind, ‘‘and I know I oughtn’t to
speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can’t help it.
I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie’s gone.”

* * %

Chloe: I sho’ mighter knowed I gwine have bad
luck if I do dat washin’ on Friday.

Daphne: What bad luck done come to you?

Chloe: I sen’ home dat pink silk petticoat wid de
filly aidge what I was gwine keep out to wear to
chu’ch on Sunday.

The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific
subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a
boy. “What who?” stammered the professor ab-
sently. “Why interrupt me isn’t my wife at home?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 301

SARCASM

Everything that could be done to make the great
unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished.
A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged.

When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame
of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the chairman.

“I should like to have a glass of water on my table,
if you please,’ he said.

“To drink?” was the chairman’s idiotic question.

“Oh, no,” was the sarcastic retort, “when I’ve been
speaking half-an-hour I do a high dive.”

* & %

NONE AT ALL

Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.

“Mac,” he said, “ye micht like to leave me a bob
or twa tae drink ye a safe journey.”

“Mon, I canna,’ was the reply. “A’ my spare cash
I gie tae my auld mither.”

“That’s strange! Your mither said you niver gave
her anything!”

“Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what
sort of chance d’ye think you've got?”

3

* x %

ART AND NATURE

Husband: “What was that you were playing, my
dear?”
Wife: “Did you like it?”
 302 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“It was lovely the melody divine, the harmony ex-
quisite !”’

“It is the very thing I played last evening, and you
said it was horrid.”

“Well, the steak was burnt last evening.”
%* * *

MISUNDERSTOOD

Mistress: “Don’t call them jugs, Mary; they’re
ewers.”’
Maid: “Oh, thank you, ma’am. And are all them

little basins mine, too?”
% & *

ALL BRAINS

A gentleman who was walking through a public gal-
lery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard
the following amusing conversation between a big,
heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large pic-
ture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping
over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few
minutes, and said timidly:

“I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium
you paint with?”

“Brains,” shouted the other in a voice of thunder.

“Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess,”’

which caused a roar of laughter.
x *

THIRTEEN TO ONE

Just before the service the clergyman was called
into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 303

he should marry them. He answered he had not time
then, but that if they would wait until after the ser-
mon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just be-
fore the end of the service, he announced:

“Will those who wish to be married to-day please
come forward?”

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.

*% x *%

A GOOD ACTOR

Neighbour: “I hear that you had an actor employed
on your farm.”

Farmer: “Yes, and he’s a fairly good actor, too.
Why, I thought he was working the last week he was
here.”

* * &

TOO SAD FOR THAT

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the
village inn.

“This place boasts of a choral society, doesn’t it?”
he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

“We don’t boast about it,’ he replied, in low, sad
tones. “We endure it with all the calm resignation

we can!’’
x * «*

The swain and his swainess had just encountered
a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as
 304 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

bad as his bark. “Why, Percy,” she exclaimed as he
started a strategic retreat, “you always swore you
would face death for me.” “I would,” he flung back
over his shoulder, “but that darn dog ain’t dead.”

% % %

Wife (enthusiastically): I saw the most gorgeous
chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can
not afford

Hubby (resignedly): When have they promised to
deliver it?

 

& * *

REALISED

Lawyer: “When I was a boy my highest ambition
was to be a pirate.”

Client: “You’re in luck. It isn’t every man who
can realise the dreams of his youth.”

* x ¥

NEVER MISS ONE

Elder sister: “Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I
dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two.”
Younger sister: “No doubt and never miss them.”

* * *%

A BAD NIGHT

The boy who had “made good” in town asked his old
mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 305

best room in the hotel one with a private bath ad-
joining. The next morning the boy asked:

“Did you have a good night’s rest?”

“Well, no, I didn’t,” she replied. “The room was
all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn’t sleep
very much, for I was afraid someone would want to
take a bath, and the only way to it was through my

room!’’
* * *

TRIPPED

The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet per-
fumes from the costly flowers about them everything
was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to
chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and
also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.

“Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for
your money?” he asked gently.

“Oh! dear, no,’ smiled the girl. “Such an idea
never entered my head!”

“Ah! Miss Liscombe,” he sighed, “in your sweet in-
nocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary
some men are!”

“Perhaps I don’t,” replied the girl calmly.

“IT would not for a moment have such a terrible fate
befall you,” he said passionately. ‘““You are too good
 too beautiful. The man who wins you should love
you for yourself alone.”

“He'll have to,” the girl remarked. “It’s my cousin
Jennie who has the money not I. You seem to have
got us mixed. I haven’t a penny myself.”
 306 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Oh er!”’ stammered the young man, “‘what pleas-

ant weather we are having, aren’t we?”
x *

THE GLOOMY GUEST

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests,
a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be en-
joying himself. He was wandering about as though he
had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon
himself to cheer him up.

“Er have you kissed the bride?” he asked by way
of introduction.

“Not lately,” replied the gloomy one, with a far-
away expression.

* *
“Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?”
“People kept thinking it was something to drink.”

* *

A well-known admiral a stickler for uniform 
stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-rib-
bon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man
with his eye, the admiral asked: “Did you get that
medal for eating, my man?’ On the man replying
“No, sir,” the admiral rapped out: “Then why the
deuce do you wear it on your stomach?”

* * *

First Little Girl: What’s your last name, Annie?

Second Little Girl: Don’t know yet; I ain’t mar-
ried.

*% * *
Ktoseman: JI didn’t see you in church last Sunday.
Keen: Don’t doubt it. I took up the collection.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 307

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named
Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident
Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in
a sable outfit except in one respect. “Why, Sarah,”
said her mistress, “what made you get white gloves?”
Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity,
“Don’t you s’pose I wants dem niggahs to see dat I’se
got on gloves?”

% * *

Dad (sternly): Where were you last night?

Son: Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

Dad: Well, tell ’em not to leave their hairpins in
the car.

x *

Said the guest, upon approaching his host’s home in
the suburb, “Ah, there are some of your family on the
veranda. The girl in short dresses is your daughter,
the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
woman in the teagown is your charming wife.” Said
the host: “‘No, you are all wrong. The girl in the short
dresses is my grandmother, the young fellow in riding
breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is
my ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her
great-grandmother’s dresses.”

* *

A bumptious young American farmer went to Eng-
land to learn his business, but where he went he pre-
tended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than
to learn anything from them. “I’ve got an idea,” he
said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agricul-
turist, “for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten
thousand times as effective as any that has ever been
 808 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

tried. Condensed fertilizer that’s what it is. Enough
for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat
pockets.” “I don’t doubt it, young gentleman,” said
the veteran of the soil. “What is more, you'll be able
to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket.”

* * *

Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. “How
much will you give me for this overcoat?” he asked, pro-
ducing a faded but neatly mended garment. Isaac
looked at it critically. “Four dollars,” he said.

“Why,” cried Weary Willie, “‘that coat’s worth ten
dollars if it’s worth a penny!”

“I wouldn’t give you ten dollars for two like that,”
sniffed Isaac. “Four dollars or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” asked Weary
Willie.

“Four dollars,” repeated Isaac.

“Well, here’s yer four dollars,” said Weary Willie.
“This overcoat was hangin’ outside yer shop, and I was
wonderin’ how much it was really worth.”

x *% *&

2

NOT IN THE BUSINESS

“I’m not quite sure about your washing-machine.
Will you demonstrate it again?”
“No, madam. We only do one week’s washing.”
%* *% *

HER VIEWS

Mrs. de Vere: “TI suppose now that you have been
abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 309

Mrs. Profiteer: “No, we ain’t got no views. We

didn’t take no camera; it’s so common.”
%* % *

A GOOD MATCH

Proprietor: “What made that customer walk out?
Did you offend him?”
Assistant: “YI don’t know. He said he wanted a hat
to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat.”’
*% * *

LIFE’S BIGGEST PROBLEM

Old Job: “The best way to get the most out of
life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beau-
tiful woman!”

Old Steve: “Why not choose the latter and get
both?”

* & *

He (just introduced): What a very homely person
that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!

She: Isn’t he? That is Mr. Black.

He: How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely
men always get the prettiest wives!

% £ &

A customer entered the small-town barber shop.
“How soon can you cut my hair?” he asked of the pro-
prietor, who was seated in an. easy chair, perusing the
pages of a novel.

“Bill,’ said the barber, addressing his errand boy,
“run over and tell the editor if he’s done editin’ the
paper I’d like my scissors.”
 310 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Pompous Publisher (to aspiring novice in litera-
ture): I have been reading your manuscript, my dear
lady, and there is much in it, I think ahem! very
good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now,
you should always write so that the most ignorant can
understand.

Youthful Authoress (wishing to show herself most
ready to accept advice): Oh, yes, I’m sure. But, tell

me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?
* * &

FISHY RECORD

First Stenog. (reading): ‘Think of those Spaniards
going 3,000 miles on a galleon!”
Second Stenog.: “Aw, forget it. Yuh can’t believe
all yuh hear about them foreign cars.”
* *
A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of
Vesuvius in full eruption. “Ain’t this just like hell?”

ejaculated a Yank.
“Ah, zese Americans,’ exclaimed a Frenchman,

“‘where have zey not been?”
x &

“Lay down, pup. Lay down. That’s a good dog-
gie. Lay down, I tell you.”
“Mister, you'll have to say, ‘Lie down,’ he’s a Boston

terrier.”’
x * x

Lady: Well, what do you want?

Tramp: Leddy, believe me, I’m no ordinary beg-
gar. I was at the front

Lady (with interest): Really 

 
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 311

Tramp: Yes, ma’am; but I couldn’t make anybody
hear, so I came round to the back.
* * *

“The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now
they’re having a consultation.”

“Of doctors?”

“Of dressmakers.”’

* * *%

“You discharged your office boy?”
“Yes,” said Dr. Dubwaite. “He never did anything
but stand around and look wise.”
“I guess you've seen the last of him.”
“I don’t know about that. He may turn up here
some day as an efficiency expert.”
x * *

“But why don’t you think he will propose soon?”
“Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday
with my initials on it such a lot, so I know it’s all over

between us.”’
*% * %&

PERFECT AGREEMENT

Mother: “Hush! You two children are always
quarrelling. Why can’t you agree once in a while?”

Georgia: ‘‘We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the
largest apple and so do I.”

* * *

She: Jack is in love with you.

Her: Nonsense!

She: That’s what I said when I heard it.
Her: How dared you!
 312 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Professor (endeavoring to impress on class the defi-
nition of cynic): Young man, what would you call a
man who pretends to know everything?

Senior: A professor!

* % *

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to
the clerk:

““What’s the name of this wheel?”

“That is the Belvedere,” answered the salesman.

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy ques-
tion:

“Can you recommend the Belva?”’

% ¥* &

“What this country needs is more production.”

“What this country needs,” replied Farmer Corn-
tassel, with a slight trace of irritation, “is less talk
about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliv-
erin’ the goods.”

BOTTLED COURAGE

“Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bull-
dog in the face?”

“My dear sir,” said the bootlegger, with a pained ex-
pression. “This stuff will make a tenant srap his fin-
gers under his landlord’s nose.”

* *

“If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you sup-
pose that will cause him to take more interest in his
business?” asked Mr. Piglatch.

“I don’t know whether he will take more interest in
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 313

his business,” said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, “but his

wife will.”
* * *

IT WORKED

A tramp entered a baker’s, shivering piteously.

“A loaf, please, mum,” he said, placing the money
on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he
took it, he said with shaking voice:

‘“Where’s the nearest hospital, mum, please?”

“The nearest hospital!” she ejaculated.

“Yes, mum, I’m feeling bad. I believe I’m sicken-
ing for something; the scarlet fever, I think.”’

“What!’’ she shrieked. “Get out of my shop.”

He turned to obey.

“Here, take your money back,” she said. He did
so; and, offering the bread, said humbly:

“You'll take yer loaf, won’t yer, mum?”

“Get out of my shop.”

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around
the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery
joined him.

“Well, Bill?’ he said.

“Right oh! ’Enery,’ came the answer. “It worked
a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o’ bacon, and then we

can have lunch.”
x * *

FILM FEVER

Nurse: “You were very naughty in church, Guy.
Do you know where little boys and girls go to who
don’t put their pennies in the collection box?”’

Guy: “Yes, nurse; to the pictures.”
 314 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

THE DRUGGIST’S TURN

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles
danced on the shelves.

“What’s up?” asked the soda clerk. “Have you been
taking something?” 4

“No. But do you remember when our water pipes
were frozen last winter?”

“Yes, but what ”

“Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come
in to have a prescription filled.”

* *

WRONG BROTHER

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of
hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a
very prominent nose.

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend’s house, where
he sat between two young ladies who talked to him
very loudly, rather to his annoyance.

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark
and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:

“Did you ever see such an ugly nose?”

*‘Pardon me, ladies,” said the gentleman. “It is my
brother who is deaf.”

* *

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western
state was never shy about telling the voters why they
should send him to Washington. “I am a practical
farmer,” he said, boastfully, at one meeting. “I can
plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse in fact, I should
like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 315

not do.” Then, in the impressive silence, a voice
asked from the back of the hall: “Can you lay an egg?”

% * %

Doctor: “You are a great deal better this morning,
I see. You followed my directions, and that prescrip-
tion did the business what, you haven’t taken any
of it?”

Patient: ‘“‘No; it says on the label, ‘Keep the bottle
tightly corked.’ ”’

* # %

“And about the salary?” said the movie star.

“Well,” said the manager, “suppose we call it $5,000
a week.”’

“All right.”

“Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely
what we call it you will get $500.”

*% % %

Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some
experience of live stock?

Applicant for Post: Well, I ain’t ever looked after
’orses, nor milked cows, and never ’andled poultry;
but I’ve bred canaries.

* * 4&

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask
of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly
along the road toward home, when along came a Ford
which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him
down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and
limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that some-
thing warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

“Oh, Lord,” he groaned, “I hope that’s blood!’’
 316 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Mr. Graham: “Do you know, Miss F., if I had my
way, I’d put every woman in jail!”

Miss F.: “Why, Mr. Graham, I’m surprised. I
didn’t know you felt that way about us! What sort of
a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the
women in jail?”

Mr. Graham: “Stag-nation, of course!”

+ *

GUILTY

Sister: “Hubby received an anonymous letter this
morning informing him of something I did before we
were married.”

Brother: “Well, the best thing you can do is to
confess.”

Sister: “I know it, but he won’t let me read the let-
ter and I don’t know what to confess.”

* *

“I’d like to see the man who could persuade me to
promise to love, honour and obey him,” said Miss Well-
ontheway.

“I don’t blame you,” remarked the newly-made bride.

* * *

“Huh! Yuh talks ’bout sassiety like yuh knows so
much ’bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don’ eben have
evenin’ dresses whah yuh come frum.”

“Zat so? Dey’s doin’ well to have evenin’s whah
yuh come frum.”

* * #

Second-story Worker: “Hullo, Bill, I see you got

a new overcoat. What did it cost you?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 317

Burglar: “Six months. I never wears cheap
clothes !”’

* * *

The sweet young thing was being shown through the
boiler shop.

“What’s that thing?” she asked, pointing with a
dainty parasol.

“That’s an engine boiler,’”’ said the guide.

“And why do they boil engines?” she inquired.

“To make the engine tender,” replied the resourceful
guide.

>

* * *%

He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his
race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a pro-
posal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After wait-
ing all day at the telegraph office he received the af-
firmative answer late at night.

“Well, if I were you,” said the operator, “I’d think
twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting
for an answer so long.”

“Na, Na?” said the Scot. “The girl for me is the
girl who waits for the night rates.”

& *& %

TOO ENTHUSIASTIC

Wifey: “Henry, do you think me an angel?”

Hubby: “Why, certainly, my dear. I’m very en-
thusiastic. I think all women are angels!”

“You needn’t be so enthusiastic as all that!”
 318 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

BAD BOTH WAYS

Dobb: ‘“‘What’s that piece of cord tied around
your finger for?”
Botham: “My wife put it there to remind me to
post her letter.”
“And did you post it?”
“No; she forgot to give it to me!”
+ *

HIS LITTLE MISTAKE

A certain country vicar who used to distribute books
to his parishioners as reading material, one day, de-
ciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly
wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he
called round on each of his flock, and the first place
he called at was the village butcher’s.

“Well, Mr. Simson,” he said, “how did you like that
little book I gave you the other day?”

Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for,
truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown
paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.

“Splendid!”’ lied Simson bravely, “but,’’ he added,
in a burst of confidence, “it ended like they all end.”

“Oh!” exclaimed the vicar, “in what way?”

And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, re-
plied, “Why, they lived happy ever after.”

* * *

“Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is
a poem.”

“What do you mean, poem?” replied the struggling
author. “That gown is two poems and a short story.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 319

TOUGH ON THE SENATOR

The Senator was back home, looking after his politi-
cal fences, and asked the minister about some of his
old acquaintances.

“How is old Mr. Jones?” he inquired. “Will I be
likely to see him to-day?”

“You'll never see Mr. Jones again,” said the min-
ister. “He has gone to heaven.”

* * *

REDEEMING TRAIT

“I know I’m old, but I’m crazy about you,” stated
Mr. Moneybags. “When I go I'll leave all my for-
tune to you if you'll have me.”

“Have you any bad habits?” asked Miss Goldie-
locks, thoughtfully.

“Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that
a bad habit.”

“You dear old thing. Of course [ll marry you.
And we'll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some

tall hotel, won’t we?”
%* #

OFF

There was a distinct air of chastened resignation
about him, as he penned the following note:

“Dear Miss Brown, I return herewith your kind
note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I
would draw your attention to the fact that it begins
“Dear George.’ I do not know who George is, but my
name, as you will remember, is Thomas.”
 320 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

NOT A FATHER

A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking
down a city street wearing the garb of his profession.
He was seen by two Irish boys.

“Good morning, Father,” said one of the boys.

“Hush, he ain’t no father,” said the other, “he’s got

a wife and two kids.”’
* *

WEDDING DECLARED OFF

John Willie (pleadingly): ‘“‘Why can’t we be mar-
ried right away, Elsie?”

Elsie (coyly): “Oh, I can’t bear to leave father
alone just now.”

John Willie (earnestly): “But, my darling, he has
had you such a very long time.”

Elsie (freezingly): “Sir!”

¥ * *

PERHAPS!

“You are a little goose!’ remarked a young M.D.
playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.

“Of course I am,’ was the laughing response;
“haven’t I got a quack?”

* * *

A Northern man in an optician’s shop in Nashville
overheard an amusing conversation between the pro-
prietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who
was just leaving the place with a pair of new spec-
tacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 321

lighted upon an extraordinary-looking instrument con-
spicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable
negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-
mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had
never seen before. After a long struggle with his curi-
osity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he
asked: “What is it, boss?” “That is an opthalmome-
ter,’ replied the optician in his gravest manner.
“Sho,” muttered the old man to himself, as he backed
out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-
looking thing on the counter. “Sho, dat’s what I was
aféared it was!”
* * *

In many of the rural districts of the United States
where money does not circulate with great rapidity
services are paid for “in kind.” Farmers, for exam-
ple, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts.
A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one
of these districts hopefully approached the husband of
the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to
$100. “Doc,” said the old man, “I haven’t much ready
cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind.”
“Well, I guess that will be all righi,’’ replied the
young doctor, cheerfully. ‘What do you deal in?”
“Horseradish, doc,’ answered the old man.

%* *

The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent
storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both High-
landers, held a consultation, and after a short debate
the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked,
anxiously: “We'll just tak’ your tuppences now, for
we dinna ken what micht come over us.”
 322 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

NO DOUBT

“‘Lend me ten, Tom.”

“I think not.”

“You won’t?”

“I won't.”

*“You’ve no doubt of my character, have you?”

“T haven't.”

“Well, why won’t you, then?”

“Because I have no doubt of your character.”
¥ * *

Officer (drilling recruits): Hey, you, in case of
fire, what do you do?
Recruit: I yell.
Officer: Yell what?
Recruit: Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
* *

Doctor (at door, to butler): Tell your master the
doctor is here.

Butler: The master is in great pain, sir. He is
receiving nobody.

% *

Young Woman (holding out hand): Will you please
tell me how to pronounce the name of the stone in this
ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?

Jeweler (after inspecting it): The correct pro-
nunciation is “glass.”

& % %

Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept work-
ing overtime for several nights. He didn’t like it, and
growled to his boss: “You’ve kept me workin’ every
night till 9 o’clock for three nights runnin’ now,
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 323

and I’m worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain’t no machine.
I can’t go forever.” His boss gave a hard laugh.
“Wrong!” he said. “Wrong, my boy. You go for-
ever next pay day.”

* * *

The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an
ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other
night a man left instructions that he wished to be called
early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo
upon the door. “Well?” he demanded sharply. “I’ve
got a message for you, sir.” Yawning until he strained
his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the
door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then
went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope,
and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: “It’s
time to get up.”

¥ % *

A negro was brought before a justice of the peace.
He was suspected of stealing. There were no wit-
nesses, but appearances were against him. The follow-
ing dialogue took place:

“You’ve stolen no chickens?”

“No, sah.”

“Have you stolen any geese?”

“No, sah.”

“Any tarkeys?”

“No, sah.”

The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the
dock he stopped before the justice and said with a
broad grin, ‘Fo’ de Lawd, squire, if you’d said ducks
you'd ’a’ had me.”
 524 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A little boy, the youngest member of a large fam-
ily, was taken to see his married sister’s new baby.
He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby’s
basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty
trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at
his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said,

“Isn’t she rather young for that sort of thing?”
*% ¥ %

THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS

“I can read my busband like a book.”
“Then be careful to stick to your own library, my

dear.’”’
% % *

“I took that pretty girl from the store home the
other night, and stole a kiss.”

“What did she say?”

“Will that be all?’

* % *%

NO KICK COMING

Merchant: Look here, that safe you sold me last
month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found
it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.

Agent: Well, isn’t that proof that you’ve had a
burglar?

* * *

NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT

The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the pa-
tients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 325

No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot,
heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and
after administering a few words of comfort to the un-
fortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:

“Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep
on smiling; that’s the way in the world.”

“T shall never smile again,” replied the youth, sadly.

“‘Nonsense!’’ ejaculated the vicar.

“There ain’t no nonsense about it!” exclaimed the
other, heatedly. “It’s through smiling at another
chap’s girl that I’m here now.”

% *% &

TOO TRUE

Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor
saying that I cannot act to-day.

Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I
could have given you a certificate saying that you never

could act.
* * *

CONSERVATIVE

He was a stout man, and his feet were big in pro-
portion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square,
sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot
shop to buy another pair, he found he had some dif-
ficulty in getting what he wanted.

A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought
and shown him.

“No, no! Square toes must have square toes,” he
insisted.
 326 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed
toes. They are fashionable this season.”

“I’m sorry,” said the stout man gravely, as he got
up and prepared to leave the shop. “I’m very sorry
to have troubled you, I’m sure. But, you see, I’m

still wearing my last season’s feet!”
* &

HE HAD HEARD OF THEM

It was company field training. The captain saw a
young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-
made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make
a quick-cooking fire, saying: “Look at the time you are
wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had
to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in
the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook
and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour.”
Then he unwisely added, “Of course, you will have
heard of the Himalayas?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young soldier, “‘and also of
Ananias and George Washington.”

* *

Mr. Goodsole: “Well, what do you want?”

Benny the Bum: “TI wanna know kin I borry a red
lantern off’n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street
to-night an’ I’ll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun’

me.’’
& * %

WHAT DID HE MEAN?

A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish
clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he
returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 327

“Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs.
Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill
Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary.”

“Well,” said the boss, “that’s the first time Bill ever
set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in
January?”

“Vell, aye tank so,” said the clerk, “he said it bane
a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank

that bane in Yanuary.”
* *

TRUE TO LIFE

Sandy had been photographed, and as he was look-
ing intently at his “picter’’ Ian MacPherson came
along.

““What’s that ye hev there?” he asked.

“My photygraph,” replied Sandy, showing it proudly.
“Whit d’ye think o’ it?”

“Man, it’s fine!”’ exclaimed Ian, in great admiration.
“It’s just like ye, tae. An’ whit micht the like o’
they cost?”

“T dinna’ ken,” replied Sandy. “I hinna’ paid yet.”

“Mon,” said Ian, more firmly than ever. “It’s awful
like ye.”

* * €

WHAT HE PREFERRED

“And did you say you preferred charges against
this man?” asked the Judge, looking over his gold-
rimmed spectacles.

“No, Your Honour,” was the quick reply of the man
to whom money was owed; “I prefer the cash!’
 828 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?”

“A spade.”

“Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before
ye picked it up.”

* * #

During the period after the university examinations,
when an unusually large number of students flunked,
one of the boys went to his professor, and said: “I
don’t think this is fair, sir; I don’t think I should have
a zero on this examination.”

“I know it,” replied the professor, “‘but we do not
have any mark lower than that.”

e* *

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath
and went down into the cellar. “Are you _ the
plumber?” he inquired of a grimy-looking person who
was tinkering with the pipes.

“Yes, guv’nor,” he answered.

*““Been in the trade long?”

*“’Bout a year, guv’nor.”

“Ever made any mistakes?”

“Bless yer, no, guv nor.”

“Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imag-
ined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the
chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a foun-
tain, and the bathroom tap is on fire.”

* *

A bright little newsie entered a business office and,
approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks,
began with an ingratiating smile: “I’m selling thimbles
to raise enough money to ”

“Out with you,” interrupted the man.

 
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 329

“Wouldn’t you like to look at some nice thimbles?”

“IT should say not!”

“They’re fine, and I’d like to make a sale,” the boy
continued.

Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch
caustically inquired: “What ’n seven kinds of blue
blazes do you think I want with a thimble?”

Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the
boy answered: “Use it for a hat.”

* % %

The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture
show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She
glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.

“Well,” he growled, “don’t eat me up.”

“You are in no danger, sir,’ she said. “I am a
Jewess.”

*% + *

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued
his first pair of hobnails. ‘One thing suah,” he rumi-
nated. “If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go

down at ’tenshun.”’
* * «*

BLOOD RELATIONS

Actor: ‘“‘Are these poor relations of yours blood
relations?”
Fulpurse: “Yes; they are ever bleeding me.”
%* * *

There had been a collision near Euston Station be-

tween a timber-cart and a cab.
The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: “Oh, well,
 830 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

you can’t help it! You’re doin’ yer bit, you an’ yer
’orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!”

*““You’re doin’ yer bit, too, ain’t yer?” was the cabby’s
rejoinder, “a’carrying of two lots o’ wood one in yer

cart an’ the other under yer blinkin’ ’at!”
x *

SCOTCHED!

A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small ra-
tions he doled out to his employees, said to a farm-
hand eating his breakfast,

“Jock, there’s a fly in yer parritch.”

“That disna’ matter,” replied Jock gloomily, “‘it’ll
no’ droon.”’

The farmer stared at him. “What do ye mean?” he
asked angrily; “that’s as much as sayin’ ye hav’na’
enough mulk.”’

“Oh,” replied Jock still more gloomily, “there’s mair

than enough for all the parritch I have.”
& * *%

THE BRUTE!

Mrs. Newlywed: “What does that inscription mean
on that ring you gave me, Archie?”

Mr. Newlywed: “ ‘Faithful to the last,’ my dear!”

Mrs. Newlywed: “Oh! how could you? You al-

ways said I was the first.”
x * &

THE WHOLE TRUTH

Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get
a “refresher” during working hours, when he suddenly
ran into the boss.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 331

“Hallo!” said the boss, pleasantly, “were you look-
ing for me?”

“Ay,” answered Angus, “I wis looking for ye, but
I didna’ want tae see ye.”

# *% %

THE CONSUMER INFLAMED

“Ever get any nice butter?” queried old Grumpy.

“Supply in every day,” replied his provision mer-
chant suavely.

“Then why in thunder don’t you sell it?” asked
Grumpy.

& * *%

HOW HE DID IT

First Theatrical Manager: “Do you have any
trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your
new show?”

Second Theatrical Manager: “No; if she attempts
to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs
of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army.”

*% * %

REALITY

A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster,
met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.

“Why weren’t you at church this morning?’’ was the
first question of the spiritual adviser.

“T couldn’t come,” was the answer. “I had to stop
at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill.”
 332 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“That’s no excuse,” said the pastor.
“It isn’t? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to
church with me and see how you like it.”

%* x %

PURE CARELESSNESS

It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters
were on deck.

“My good man,” said one kindly lady, “I hope that
since you have come here you have had time for medita-
tion and have decided to correct your faults.”

“I have that, mum,” replied the prisoner in heart-
felt tones. “Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby
wears gloves.”

%* * &

A LEVEL-HEADED CAR

Irate Motorist: “Say, this darned car won’t climb
a hill! You said it was a fine machine!”
Dealer: “I said: ‘On the level it’s a good car.’”

% & #

SUSPICIOUS

It was while on maneuvres in rural England, and
a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken
on prohibited ground.

“Look here, my man,” said the commanding officer
to the farmer who brought the accusation, “‘are you
quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird?
Will you swear to him?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 333

“No, I won’t do that,” replied the farmer, “but I
will say he’s the man I suspect o’ doing it.”

“That’s not enough to convict a man,” retorted the
C. O., considerably nettled. ‘What raised your sus-
picions?”

“Well,” replied the sturdy yeoman, “it was this way
 I see im om my property with a gun; then I heerd
the gun go off; then I see ’im putting the chicken in
his knapsack; and it didn’t seem sense nohow to think
the bird committed suicide.”

* * *

A WONDER!

“That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss,” re-
marked Brown.

“That so?” asked Smith.

“Yes,” replied Brown.“Why, he could read a patent
medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of
some disease.”

IN A FIX

Mrs. Muggins: “It’s raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul
wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her
except my new guinea one. Can’t I let her have
yours?”

Mr. Muggins: ‘‘Hardly! The only umbrella I have
got has her husband’s name on the handle.”’
 334 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SUCKED!

It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart
decided to visit the picture palace.

On the way she evidently was annoyed with her
lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, “Aw
wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it’s so rude
when people are about!”

“Don’t thee talk so silly,” he replied in aggrieved
tones. “It’s my rubber ’eel pads that’s causing that
noise!”

* *% ¥

HALF AND HALF

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden
with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the
steps of a Dublin tramcar. MHelplessly looking on,
stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said,
with a glance of withering scorn: “If ye was half a
man ye would have helped me up.”

The little conductor calmly replied: “Shure, ma’am,
if ye was half a woman I would!”

* * *

REVENGE IS SWEET

“Yes,” proudly announced the ex-captain, who is
manager of a new seaside hotel, “all our employees are
former Service men, every one of them. The recep-
tion clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all
been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 335

doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective
was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets.”
“And have you any former military police?” he
was asked.
“Yes,” he replied joyously. ‘When there’s a good
stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides
of the windows on the eighth floor!”

* *% *%

NO EFFECT

“You tell me,” said the judge, “that this is the per-
son who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could
you swear to the man?”

“T did,” returned the complainant, eagerly, “but he
only swore back at me and drove on.”

¥ * *

A FUTURE FINANCIER

“Ma,” exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the
house, ““Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny
if I told her what you said about her!”’

“T never heard of such a thing!” answered his mother
indignantly. ‘“You’re a very good boy not to have told!
I wouldn’t have her think I even mentioned her.
Here’s an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little
lad!”

“I should think I am, ma! When she showed me
the penny [ told her that what you said was some-
thing awful, and worth sixpence at least!”
 336 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A BAD CASE

“Rather absent-minded, isn’t he?”

“Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got
home he knew there was something he wanted to do,
but he couldn’t remember what it was until he had sat
up over an hour trying to think.”

“And did he finally remember it?”

“Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed
early.”

* * #*

BLACK SUPERSTITION

Architect: “Have you any suggestions for the
study, Mr. Quickrich?”

Quickrich: “Only that it must be brown. Great
thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown
study.”

% * %

HALF A DUCK DEEP

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a
traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

“No,” replied the boy, and the rider started to cross,
but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for
their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned
and shouted: “I thought you said it wasn’t deep?”

“It isn’t,” was the reply; “it only takes grand-
father’s ducks up to their middles!”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 337

COULDN’T RESIST IT

“Look here,’ began the youth, as he entered a
butcher’s shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-
and-blue eyes, “you have fresh beef for sale?”

“I have,” responded the butcher.

“And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?”

“It is.”

“Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef.
Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without
asking how I got ornamented?”

“Vil do my best, sir.”

The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money
without another look at his customer. At the last mo-
ment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for
him.

“Look here,” he said, handing back the cash, “I'll
make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about
the fight.”

* * *

“Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?”
she asked.

“Oh, not much,” he answered, “although I had an
experience last night which might be considered a re-
markable example of palmistry. I happened to glance
at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted
he would presently become the possessor of a consid-
erable amount of money. Before he left the room he
had a nice little sum handed to him.”

“And you foretold that from his hand?”

“Yes, it had four aces in it.”
 338 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the
minister inquired the cause. “I was going fishing, but
father wouldn’t let me,’ announced the lad.

“That’s the right kind of a father to have,” replied
the reverend gentleman. “Did he explain the reason
why he would not let you go?”

“Yes, sir. He said there wasn’t bait enough for

39>

two.
%* *
“My good man, you had better take the trolley car
home.”
“Sh’ no ushe! My wife wouldn’t let me hic 
keep it in th’ house.”
* * &

Mrs. Newlywed: “Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen
door open and the draught has shut my cookery book,
so that now I haven’t the faintest idea what it is I’m
cooking.

* * 4&

“Goin’ in that house over there?” said the first tramp.

“I tried that house last week. I ain’t goin’ there
any more,’ replied Tramp No. 2.

“’Fraid on account of the dog?”

“Me trousers are.”

“Trousers are what?”

“Frayed on account of the dog.”

* * 4%

A QUESTION OF LOCALITY

“Bobby,” said the lady in the tramcar, severely,
“why don’t you get up and give your seat to your
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 839

father? Doesn’t it pain you to see him reaching for
the strap?”
“Not in a car,” said Bobby. “It does at home.”

* * %

HER SOFT ANSWER

They had had their usual altercation over the break-
fast table, and hubby exclaimed:

“What would you do if I were one of those husbands
who get up cross in the morning, bang the things
about, and kick because the coffee is cold?”

“Why,” replied his wife, “I should make it hot for
you!”

* * &

HE WAS WRONG

Prison Visitor: “Am I right in presuming that it
was your passion for strong drink that brought you
here?”

Prisoner: “I don’t think you can know this place,
guv’nor. It’s the last place on earth I’d come to if I
was looking for anything to drink.”

* * *

OPENING FATHER’S EYES

“Papa,” said Little Horatio, “can you explain
philosophy to me?” ,

“Of course I can,’’ answered his proud parent.

“Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause
and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam com-
 340 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ing out of that kettle, but you don’t know why, or for
what reason it does so, and ”

“Oh! but I do, papa,” chirped little Horatio know-
ingly. “The reason the steam comes out of the kettle
is so that ma can open your letters without you know-
ing it.”

 

*% % %

NICE

She had only been married a month, when her friend
called to see how she was getting on.

“We're getting on fine!” exclaimed the young wife.
“We have a joint account in the bank; it’s such fun
to pay bills by cheque.”

“What do you mean by joint account?” asked the
caller. “Do you put in equal sums?”

“Oh! I don’t put in anything,” was the explanation.

“Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!”
* &

NOT NEEDED

O’Grady: “And why do you want to sell your
nightshirt?”

Pat: “Shure, and what good is it to me now whin
oive me new job av night watchman an’ slape in the

day toimes?”
* * *

SHE COULD USE HIM

“Rastus,” said the judge sternly, “‘you’re plain no-
account and shiftless, and for this fight I’m going to
send you away for a year at hard labour.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 341

“Please, Jedge,” interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the
rear of the court room, “will yo’ Honah jes’ split dat
sentence? Don’t send him away from home, but let dat
hard labour stand.”

DECLINED WITH THANKS

Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He
firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying,
“Early to bed, early to rise.” He couldn’t get along
at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after
thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.

After many trials he secured a strapping, big fel-
low, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Ac-
cordingly, the first morning he waited until four o’clock
before he called him for breakfast.

“Get out of there quick if you want anything to
eat.”’

“Thanks very much,” said the new hand, “but I
never eat anything just before going to sleep.”

* * *%

MANAGING THE MANAGERS

This conversation was overheard in the corridor of
the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speak-
ers were lady clerks 

“‘He’s given me such a fearful telling-off,” said one;
“just because I couldn’t find him his copy of ‘Who’s
Who.’ ”

“Pooh! Don’t cry, you little silly. You've got to
 842 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

manage him. When you've been here six weeks, like
I have, you'll jolly well tell him to buy a copy of
“Where’s Which,’ and find his old ‘Who’s Who’ him-
self !”’

% % *

A GREAT LIGHT

The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who
wanted to be a gunner’s mate.

“How much does a six-pound shell weigh?” he asked.

“IT don’t know,” the gob confessed.

“Well, what time does the twelve o’clock train
leave?”

“Twelve o'clock.”

“All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell
weigh?”

“Ah,” said the youthful mariner, a great light dawn-
ing on him. “Twelve pounds.”

* % *

The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in
their ’teens, yet their conversation stamped them as
seasoned film fans. They were discussing titles of pic-
tures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret
that the recent German importations had had their
titles changed for American consumption. “If they
had only called that picture ‘Du Barry’ instead of
‘Passion,’ think what a hit it would have made!”

Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and
scoffed: “Don’t you believe it. There’s millions of
folks never heard of Du Barry, but every one knows
about passion.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 343

“We will take as our text this morning,” announced
the absent-minded clergyman, consulting his memoran-
dum, “the sixth and seventh verses of the thirty-first
chapter of Proverbs.” Never suspecting that his vi-
vacious son and heir had found the memorandum in
his study on the previous night, and, knowing that
his papa had composed a sermon celebrating the in-
creased severity of dry law enforcement, had diabol-
ically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indi-
cate a very different text, the absent-minded clergyman
turned to the place and read aloud these words of
Solomon: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready
to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
Let him drink and forget his past poverty, and remem-
ber his misery no more.”

* * &

“You don’t mean to say it cost you $7000 to have
your family tree looked up?”

“No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have
it hushed up.”

* * &

The Aristocrat (returning to school): My ances-
tors came over with William the Conqueror.

The New Girl: ‘Lhat’s nothing! My father came
ever in the same boat with Mary Pickford!

%* *

It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were
crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince
St. Peter that they were entitled to enter Heaven. To
the first applicant St. Peter said, “What kind of a car
do you own?”

“A Packard,” was the reply.
 344 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“All right,” said St. Peter, “you go over there with
the Presbyterians.”

The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and
was told to stand over with the Congregationalists.
Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered
to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little indi-
vidual came along.

“What kind of a car do you own?” was the question.

“A Ford,” was the answer.

“You just think you own a car. You go over there
with the Christian Scientists.”

%¥ *

The Housewife: My goodness! I don’t believe
you’ve washed yourself for a year.

The Hobo: Just about that. You see, I only washes
before I eats.

* * &

The Professor: A diamond is the hardest known
substance, inasmuch as it will cut glass.

The Cynic: Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will
even make an impression on a woman’s heart.

% * &

Boss: What do you mean by such language? Are
you the manager here or am I?

Jones: I know I’m not the manager.

The Boss: Very well, then, if you’re not the man-
ager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?

* * &

“Pa, what’s an actor?”

“An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the
side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other
actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 345

hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and ex-

claim, ‘What a lovely view there is from this win-
dow!”

* * *
“Ts she making a rich marriage?”
“I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has
been arrested three times for profiteering.”
%* * 4%

SANDY SCORED

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morn-
ing, and observed:

“Well, Sandy, your’e getting very bent. Why don’t
you stand up straight, like me?”

“Eh, mon,” replied Sandy, “d’ye see yon field of
corn?”

“I do,” said the laird.

“Ah, weel,” said Sandy, “ye’ll notice that the full
heids hang down, an’ that the empty yins stand up.”

+ * 4%

WITH A RESERVATION

“Miss Smith Belinda,” sighed the young man, pas-
sionately, “there is something I want to tell you 
something that I ”

“What is it?” asked the girl, as she leaned back in
her chair, with a bored expression on her face.

The young man drew a long breath, and his face
turned to dull purple. “It is a question which is very
near to any heart,” he said awkwardly. “Could you 
do you think you could ever marry a man like me?”

 
 346 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Oh, yes,” replied Belinda, quite calmly, “that is,
if he wasn’t too much like you!”

% * *

TOO SMART

A Chinaman entered a jeweller’s in Liverpool and
esked to be shown some “welly good watches.” The
proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective cus-
tomer was attended to by his daughter, who got out
three watches, marked respectively £5, £4, and £3 10s.,
and laid them in a row on the counter.

The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called
the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf be-
hind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed
the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-
priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown
him, said: “Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch,”
paid £3 10s., and departed.

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her
father on his return.

“Never mind, my tear,” said he, with a smile; “dose
vatches cost all de same brice two pound; but vat a
scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!”

* *% &

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT

“Are all flowers popular?” asked the teacher.
“No, ma’am,” replied one of the bright little girls.
“What flowers are not popular?” -
“Wall-flowers, ma’am.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 347

NATIVE BORN

“He hit me on de koko, yer honour.”

“Your head?”

“Yes, yer honour.”

“Why don’t you speak the English language?”

“I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country

in me life.”
* * #*

THE JONAH

“Now, children,’ said the Sunday-school teacher, “I
have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie,
you may tell me what this story teaches.”

“Yes’m,” said Willie, the bright-eyed son of the pas-
tor; “it teaches that you can’t keep a good man down.”

% & &

THE SUBSTITUTE

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who
waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.
“We haven’t any eggs, sorr,” she replied; then, after
a moment’s reflection, “‘but I think I could get ye some

poached salmon.”
* * *

MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE

The maiden of, er forty or so, was much upset.

Quoth she to a younger friend:

“Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually
told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid.”
 348 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“That’s pretty frank!” exclaimed the friend.

“Yes; wasn’t it unladylike of her?”

“It certainly was rude,” agreed the other. “Still,
it’s better than having her tell lies about you.”

% * %

GOOD OR BAD TURN?

“Did your late employer give you a testimonial,
Jacke”

“Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when
I apply for a job make one think there’s something
wrong with it.”

“What does it say, then?”

“Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm

had ever turned out.”’
% * *

TALKING SENSE

“Darling,” he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer
to him, “am I the first man you have ever kissed?”

“William,” replied the American girl, somewhat
testily, “before we go any further I would like to ask
you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware
that my father is a millionaire something like ten times
over, aren’t you?”

“Y-yes.”’

“You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of
his vast fortune will be left to me?”

“Y-yes.”’

“You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars
in cash in my name at the bank?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 349

“Y-yes.””

“And own two and a half million dollars’ worth of
property?”

“Y-yes.”’

“That my diamonds are insured to the value of a
quarter of a million dollars?”

“Y-yes.”

“My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five
thousand dollars?”

“Y-yes.””

“Then, for goodness’ sake, talk sense! What dif-
ference would it make to you if I had been kissed by
a thousand men before I met you?”

* *% %

A MAGIC HEALER

During an exciting game of football a player had
two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his
way home from the ground he dropped into the doc-
tor’s to have them attended to.

“Doctor,” he asked, anxiously. “When this hand of
mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?”

“Certainly you will,” the doctor assured him.

“Then you’re a wonder, doctor. I never could be-
fore.”

SHE TOOK THEM

“YT don’t know whether I like these photos or not,”
said the young woman. “They seem rather indistinct.”
 350 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“But, you must remember, madam,” said the wily
photographer, “that your face is not at all plain.”

% ¥ *%

BUT HE’S ON HIS WAY

Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he
was to ship north, but the freight agent was having
difficulty in billing him.

“‘What’s this goat’s destination, Uncle?” he asked.

“Suh?”  

“I say, what’s his destination? Where’s he going?”

Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit
of frayed cord was all that remained.

“Dat ornery goat!” he exploded wrathfully. “Yo’
know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his
destination.”

HER MATCH

Tommy: ‘‘What’s an echo, pa?”
Pa: “An echo, my son, is the only thing that can
deprive a woman of the last word.”

* % ¥

“Why is it you never get to the office on time in the
morning ?’’ demanded the boss angrily.

“It’s like this, boss,’ explained the tardy one; “you
kept telling me not to watch the clock during office
hours, and I got so I didn’t watch it at home either.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 351

SCIENTIFIC PROOF

One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in
physiology. She asked them if they knew that there
was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One
little girl spoke up and said:

“Yes’m; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke.”

* *& &

Bolshie Tubthumper: Yaas, there didn’t ought to be
no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy
starvin’ like us!

* * *

Sunday School Teacher: Now, Alfred, if you are
always kind and polite to your playmates, what will be
the result?

Alfred: They'll think they can lick me!

* % *

A NATURAL PICTURE

A man and his eldest son went to have their photo-
graphs taken together, and the photographer said to
the young man, “It will make a better picture if you
put your hand on your father’s shoulder.”

“H’m,” said the father, “it would make a more nat-

ural picture if he put it in my pocket.”
* % %

NOTHING TO SMILE AT

A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of
commercial men.
An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, appar-
 352 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how
loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper.
This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he said:
“I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into
a Scotsman’s head.”’

A voice from behind the paper replied: “Ay, man,
but it wid need tae hae a finer point than ony o’ yer
stories, a’m thinking!”

% * &

DREW BLANK

The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just
knew the value of money.

So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he
meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doc-
tor’s fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day
and a half outside the local doctor’s establishment.
Finally he managed to catch the great man.

“Say, doctor! Hoo’s beez-ness wi’ ye the noo?”

“Oh, feyr, feyr!”

“A s’pose ye’ve a deal o’ prescribin’ tae dae fer
coolds an’ sair throats?”

“Ay!”

“An’ what dae ye gin’rally gie fer a sair throat?”

““Naethin’,” replied the canny old doctor, ‘I dinna’
want a sair throat.”

* *

A FRIEND IN NEED

What true friendship consists in depends on the
temperament of the man who has a friend. It is re-
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 353

lated that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died ex-
tremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist
was much affected.

“You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?’’ some
one asked him.

“Thought a great deal of him? I should think I
did. There was a true friend. He never asked me
to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough he was
starving to death.”

WHAT HE PREFERRED

He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies.
He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been
employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door.

“How much is it, uncle?” he was asked.

““Yo’ say how much? Jest whatever yo’ say, missus.”

“Oh, but I would rather you’d say how much,’ the
lady of the house replied.

“Yas, ma’am! But, ma’am, Ah’d rather hab de sev-
enty-five cents yo ‘would gimme dan de fifty cents Ah’d

> 93

charge yo’.

READY TO JOIN

Minister: Would you care to join us in the new
missionary movement?

Miss Ala Mode: Vmerazy totry it. Is it anything
like the fox trot?
 354 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

HELPFUL PA!

He: Do you think your father would be willing to
help me in the future?

She: Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you
into the middle of next week.

x *% *

“Daughter,” said the old man, sternly, “I positively
forbid you marrying this young scapegrace! He is an
inveterate poker player!”

“But, papa,’ tearfully protested Alicia. Hortense,
“poker playing is not such an awful habit. Why, at

2?

 

your own club

““That’s where I got my information, daughter. I'll
have no daughter of mine bringing home a man that I
can’t beat with a flush, a full house, and fours.”

*% *% %

“TI think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the
park with me. Which one do you think would go best
with this dress?”

* *

HE KNEW

Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend’s
for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the
visit. “Come along, dearie,’ said Mr. Smith to her
three-year-old son, ‘and have your face washed.”

“Don’t want to be washed,” came the reply.

“But,” said mother, “you don’t want to be a dirty
boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice,
clean face for the ladies to kiss.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 355

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed.
A few minutes later he stood watching his father wash-
ing. ‘Ha, ha, daddy!” he cried, “I know why you're
washing!”

%* & 4%

THEY WILT

“Which weeds are the easiest to kill?” asked young
Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good
man at his work.

“Widow’s weeds,” replied the farmer. “You have
only to say ‘Wilt thou?’ and they wilt.”

* * *

NOT STRONG ENOUGH

Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to
have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a
piece of very rich cake.

“Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!” she exclaimed.
“It’s awfully nice.”

“Muriel, dear,” corrected her governess, “‘it is wrong
to say you ‘love’ cake, and I’ve frequently pointed out
that ‘just’ is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again,
‘awfully’ is quite wrong, ‘very’ would be more correct,
dear. Now repeat your remark, please.”

Muriel obediently repeated: “I like chocolate cake;
it is very good.”

“That’s better, dear,’ said the governess, approv-
ingly.

“But it sounds as if I was talking about bread,”
protested the little girl.
 356 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

WHY HE PICKED PICTISH

An English mother was visiting her son at college.

“Well, dear,” she said, ‘what languages did you de-
cide to take?”

“TI have decided to take Pictish, mother,” he replied.

“Pictish?” said the puzzled lady. “Why Pictish?”

“Only five words of it remain,” he said.

* * *

PLAYED THEM BOTH UP

A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the
street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings
and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The
lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the
appearance of the hoop’s owner. He arrived.

“Please, I’ve broken your window,” he said, “and
father’s come to mend it.”

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who
at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran
off. The window finished, the man said:

“That'll be three shillings, mum.”

“Three shillings!’ gasped the woman. “But your
son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You’re
his father, aren’t you?”

The man shook his head.

“Never seen him before,” he said. “He came round
to my place and said his mother wanted her window
mended. You’re his mother, aren’t you?”

And the good woman could only shake her head; for
once words failed her.
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 357

JUSTICE AT LAST

It was the usual domestic storm.

“Oh, dear! oh, dear!” moaned wifey in tears. “I
wish I’d taken poor mother’s advice, and never married
you!”

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her
quickly, and at last found voice.

“Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?” he
demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby’s face.

“Great Scott,” he cried, in broken tones, “how I

wronged that woman!”
* * *

IN ORDER TO BE FILLED

Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Missis-
sippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal
and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked
up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air,
struck the other a resounding blow on the head.

As soon as the victim had recovered from his mo-
mentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and,
peering down at his mate, said:

“Nigger, how come you don’t watch where you throws
dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid.”’

The other one looked surprised.

“Did I hit your”

“You sho’ did,’ came the answer. ‘“‘And I jes’ wants
to tell you, I’ve been promising the debil a man a long
time, and you certainly does resemble my promise.”
 358 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“And would you love me as much if father lost all
his money?”

“Has he?”

“Why, no.”

“Of course I would, darling.”

% * *

“Why do you object to children in your apartment
house?”
“As a matter of kindness. People who are raising
families can’t be expected to pay the rentals I require.”’
* * «

CAUSTIC

A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like
many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now.
His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang
him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear
it altogether.

“Oh, aye,” replied the pawky one. “I’m £60 short
am I? Will ye just look up an’ tell me hoo my account
stood in June?”’

“Oh,” the banker said, “you were all right then; you
had £250 to your credit.”

“Aye, an’ did I ring you up in June?” was the caustic
rejoinder.

% * %

The newly-elected president of a banking institution
was being introduced to the employees. He singled
out one of the men in the cashier’s cage, questioning
him in detail about his work, etc. “I have been here
forty years,” said the cashier’s assistant, with conscious
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 359

pride, ‘‘and in all that time I only made one slight
mistake.”

“Good,” replied the president. “Let me congratulate
you. But hereafter be more careful.”

* * *

First Sailor (searching vainly for his ship after a
few hours’ leave): ‘But she was ’ere when we went
ashore, wasn’t she?”

Second Sailor: “It’s them blokes at Washington.

They’ve started scrappin’ the fleet, an’ begun on us.”
* * *

NOT WORTH MUCH

The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires
in a desolate region of the far South. “I suppose,’ he
remarked to a native onlooker, “that even in these
isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen
tremendously in price?”

“Y’er right, stranger,’ replied the native, “and it

ain’t worth drinkin’ when ye get it.”
* * «*

NOTHING TO FEAR

Irate Golfer: ‘You must take your children away
from here, madam; this is no place for them.”

Mother: “Now don’t you worry they can’t ‘ear
nothin’ new their father was a sergeant-major, ‘e
was!”

* *

MISLED

The Client: “I bought and paid for two dozen glass
decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b.,
and when they were delivered they were empty.”
 360 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The Lawyer: “Well, what do you expect?”
The Client: “Full of booze. Isn’t that what f. o. b.
mneans?”
% & *

During a conversation between an Irishfhan and a
Jew, the Irishman asked how it was that the Jews
were so wise.”

“Because,” said the Jew, “we eat a certain kind of
fish;”’ and he offered to sell one for ten dollars.

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small
dried fish. He bit into it, then exclaimed: ‘Why, this
is only a smoked herring.”

“See?” said the Jew. “You are getting wise already.”

% * *

“Yes,” said the old man to his visitor, “I am proud of
my girls and would like to see them comfortably mar-
ried, and as I have made a little money they will not
go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-
five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
$1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won’t
see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the
man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000
with her.” The young man reflected a moment and
then asked, “You haven’t one about fifty, have you?”

¥ *% *

“Mary,” said the mistress, “did you ask every one
for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?”

“Yes’m. One fellow he wouldn’t give me no card,
but I swiped his hat an’ shoved him off th’ steps. Here’s
his name on th’ sweat band.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 361

“He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall
T do?”

“But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three
weeks.”

“I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I
delay in accepting him he might find out some things
about me he won't like, too.”

% * %

“Would you marry a man to reform him?”
“What does he do?”
“He drinks.”
“Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it.
We need him badly in our set.”
* % &
“I would like to have a globe of the earth.”
“What size, madam?”
*“Life-size, of course.”
+ * *
Wife: “George, is that you?”
George: “Why certainly! Who else you ’shpecting
at this timernight?”’
* * &
She (tenderly): “And are mine the only lips you
have kissed?”
He: “Yes, and they are the sweetest of all.”
%* * 4%
Jazz: “My girl told me she weighed 120 the other
night.”
Beau: “Stripped?”
Jazz: “‘Yeh; she was in an evening gown.”
* * %

Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day’s shopping): “I
 362 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

want two pieces of steak and and about half a pint of
gravy.”
* * #
Farmer: “Would you like to buy a jug of cider?”
Tourist: ‘Well er is it ambitious and willing to

work ?’”’
e * *

Papa: “Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss
you in the parlor last night?”

Daughter: “Because I was afraid he’d catch cold in
the hall.”

% * *

“It was a case of love at first sight when I met
Jack.”
“Then why didn’t you marry him?”
“I met him again so often.”
* * &
Interviewer: “What sort of girls make the best show-
girls?”
Stage Manager: “Those who have the most to show,
of course.”
* *
She: “What do you mean by kissing me? What do
you mean?”
He: “‘Er er nothing.”’
She: “Then don’t you dare do it again. I won’t have
any man kissing me unless he means business, d’ye

hear ?”’
% *

Foreman: “’Ow is it that little feller always carries
two planks to your one?”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 863

Laborer: “’Cos ’e’s too blinkin’ lazy to go back fer
the other one.”
* * *
Lady (in bor): ‘Can you look over my shoulders?”
Sailor: “I’ve just been looking over both of them, an’
by gosh they are great.”

% % &

“How times have changed!”

“Yes?”

“Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford
tractors.”

* * *

Sailor Bill: “These New York gals seem to be wear-
in’ sort o’ light canvas.”

Sailor Dan: “Yes you seldom see a full-rigged skirt,
or anything.”

* & *
Tramp: “Would you please ’elp a pore man whose
wife is out o’ work?”
* *
“I ’ear your “usband ’as turned Bolshie.”’
“Well, not absolootly; but ’e ’as a lenin’ that way.”
x *

A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married,
and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the
dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent
cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried
chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was
not in evidence.

“Where is my chicken?” he asked somewhat irritably.

The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his
mouth in close proximity to the salesman’s ear, replied:
 864 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“Ef youse mean de li’l gal with blue eyes an’ fluffy

> 99

hair, she doan’ wo’k heah no mo’.
* *

“Do you really believe in heredity ?”’

“Most certainly Ido. That is how I came into all my
money.”

%* * %

An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur.
Some twenty-odd responded and were being questioned
as to qualifications, eficiency, and whether married or
single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he said:

“How about you, George, are you married?”

Quickly the negro responded: ‘“‘Naw-sir, boss, naw-

> 399

sir. Ah makes mah own livin’.
* * *

A boy and his mother were taking in the circus.
Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: “Ma, ain’t that
the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?”

“Bill,” said his ma, “didn’t I tell you never to say
‘ain’t.’ ”

* *%

“Vell, Ikey, my poy,” said Sol to his son, “I’ve made
my vill and left it all to you.”

“That’s very good of you, father,” remarked Ike,
eyeing him suspiciously. ‘But, bless you, it cost a lot
of money for the lawyer and fees and things!”

“Vell?” said Ike more suspiciously. ‘Vell, it ain’t
fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I’ll shust take it
off from your next month’s salary.”

* * *%

Mr. McNab (after having his lease read over to him):

“TI will not sign that; I have na’ been able tae keep Ten
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 365

Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an’ I’m no’
gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the
High Street.”

% * *

“Come, Dorothy,” said her father impatiently, “throw
your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late.”
“Daddy, how can you?” reproved the child. “I isn’t
that kind of a muvver.”
%* *

“You say you doted on your last mistress?”

“Yes, mum. I certainly did.”

“Then why did you leave her?”

“We couldn’t continue to be friends on my wages,

mum.
* *% *

““What’s the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or
spinal curvature or something?”
“No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his
wife made for him.”
* + *

“James, have you whispered to-day without permis-
sion?”
“Only wunst.”
“Leroy, should James have said wunst?”
*‘No’m; he should have said twict.”
* & *

“It appears to be your record, Mary,” said the magis-
trate, “that you have already been convicted thirty-five
times of stealing.”’

“I guess that’s right, your honor,” answered Mary.
*“‘No woman is perfect.”
 366 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

“That you, dearie? I’m detained at the office on very
important business and I may not be home until late.
Don’t sit up for me.”

“I won’t, dearie. You'll come home as early as you
can, won't you? And John, dear ”

“Yes; what is it?”

“Please don’t draw to any inside straights.”

 

* * *

The City Nephew: “I’m glad to see Aunt Hetty
dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly
puffs. over the ears.”

Uncle Talltimber: “She tried ’*em once an’ they got
tangled up with the telephone receiver an’ she missed
more’n half the gossip goin’ on over our twenty-party
line.”

% & &

“Ethel,” said the bishop, “you seem to be a bright
little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?”

“T’ll say I can.”

“Well, my dear, let us have it.”

“The Lord is my shepherd I should worry.”

* * %

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man
invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival
took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of
the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very
liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the
wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted
and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, “Well,
I hope they'll not be very long wi’ the whisky, as I
dinna get on verra weel wi’ these mineral waters.”
 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS 367

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He
showed his visitor the moon through a telescope and
asked him what he thought of the satellite.

“It’s a’ richt,” replied the Scot, who was an enthu-
siastic golfer, “but it’s awfu’ fu’ o’ bunkers.”

*% x *

“What are you doing, Marjory?”

“T’se writing a letter to Lily Smif.”

“But, darling, you don’t know how to write.”

“That’s no diff’ence, mamma; Lily don’t know how
to read.”

* ** &

“What sort of an appearing man is he?”

“Little dried-up feller,” replied the gaunt Missourian,
“that looks like he always ett at the second table.”

*& %* %

“Did you hear about the awful trouble that has be-
fallen Mrs. Talkalot?”’

“Don’t tell me she has lost her voice.”

““No, her husband has lost his hearing.”

x * *

Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street,
each wearing a new suit. One asked:

“Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem
clo’s?”’

“Fo’ty dollahs,” was the response.”

“Fo’ty dollahs>”

“Yes,.sah; fo’ty dollahs.” |

“Look at me,” said the first. “I’se got on a suit
w'at’s mos’ perzactly like yourn, and I don’t pay but
ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore flimflammed

a?

you.
 368 JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of
one of the coat sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled
on it. It stretched. Then straightening up he said:

“See here, boy, the fust big rain yo’ gets ketched out
in dat coat of yourn is gwine to say, ‘Good-by, nigger,
f’om now on I’se gwine to be yo’ vest.’ ”’

* % %

“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”

“How old are you now?”

“Forty.”

“Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices
of any kind?”

“No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smok-
ing; in fact, I haven't any vices.”

“Well, good heavens, what do you want to live an-
other fifty years for?”’

¥ * %

“I say, Madge, it’s bitterly cold. Hadn’t you better
put something on your chest?”’
“Don’t worry, old thing. I’ve powdered it three

times.”’
% * *

Father: “Well, son, you certainly made a fool of
yourself! That girl robbed you of every cent you had.”

Son: “Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for pick-
ing them clever.”
    

 

 

 
  

 

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