SKETCHES 
 
 MARK TWAIN. 
 
 NOW Filial PUBLISHED IN COMPLETE FORM, 
 
 BEL FORD & CO., 
 
 1880. 
 
;1 
 
 BELFOKDS, CLAKKE & CO., 
 
 1881. 
 
 PRINTED AND BOUND BY 
 
 DOSTOHUE & HENKEBERB5T, 
 Chicago, 111. 
 
PEEFACB. 
 
 f 
 
 I have scattered through this volume a mass of matter which 
 has never been in print before (such as " Learned Fables for 
 Good Old Boys and Girls," the "Jumping Frog restored to 
 the English tongue after martyrdom in the French/ 1 the 
 " Membranous Croup " sketch, and many others which I need 
 not specify) : not doing this in order to make an advertisement 
 of it, but because these things seemed instructive. 
 
 MASK TWAIN. 
 
 HARTFORD, 
 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAOTB. 
 
 The Recent French Duel . . t 
 
 The Great Rerolution in Pitcairn . ... 23 
 
 Story of the Bad Little Boy . . . . .40 
 
 Story of the Good Little Boy . . . .45 
 
 The Experiences of the McWilliamses with Membranous Croup . 62 
 Some Fables for Good Old Boys and Girls Part First . 62 
 
 " " " " Part Second . . 77 
 
 " " " " " Part Third . 86 
 
 The Jumping Frog . . .92 
 
 My Watch An Instructive Little Tale 110 
 
 Political Economy . 115 
 Journalism in Tennessee . 124 
 
 Two Poems By Moore and Twain . . .132 
 
 To Raise Poultry . . . ,134 
 
 My First Literary Adventure . . . . .138 
 
 The Facts in the Case of the Great Beef Contract . . 142 
 
 The Facts in the Case of George Fisher, Deceased . . .152 
 
 The Judge s "Spirited Woman" . . . - . 162 
 
 The Facts Concerning the Late Senatorial Secretaryship . .165 
 
 Riley Newspaper Correspondent . . 171 
 
 Science vs. Luck ... 177 
 
 The Killing of Julius Caesar "Localized" ... 181 
 
 An Itepa which the Editor himself could not understand . 186 
 
vili CONTENTS. 
 
 PAOB. 
 A Mediaeval Knmance ,191 
 
 After-Dinner Speech . . . . .202 
 
 Lionising Murderers , ... 205 
 
 A New Crime , . , .211 
 
 A Curious De*m . ...... 218 
 
 Personal Habits of the Siamese Twins . . . .231 
 
 Speech at th e Scottish Banquet at London . . .237 
 
 A Ghost Story . . . . .240 
 
 Legend of th e Capitoline Venus . . . .249 
 
 Speech on Accident Insurance ..... 257 
 
 John Chinaman in New York . . . . 260 
 
 How I once Edited an Agricultural Paper . . .263 
 
 The Petrified Man . . * . .271 
 
 My Bloooy Massacre ...... 276 
 
 Concerning Chambermaids ..... 281 
 
 About Barbers . . . . . .284 
 
 History Repeats Itself . . . , . 290 
 
 First Interview with Artemus Ward . . . . 292 
 
 *A Tisit to Niagara 297 
 
 g to Corregpondtati . 807 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 THE RECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL. 
 
 MUCH as the modern French duel is ridiculed by certain 
 smart people, it is in reality one of the most dangerous 
 institutions of our day. Since it is always fought in the 
 open air, the combatants are nearly sure to catch cold. M. 
 Paul de Cassagnac, the most inveterate of the French 
 duellists, has suffered so often in this way that he is at 
 last a confirmed invalid ; and the best physician in Paris 
 has expressed the opinion that if he goes on duelling for 
 fifteen or twenty years more, unless he forms the habit of 
 fighting in a comfortable room where damps and draughts 
 cannot intrude he will eventually endanger his life. This 
 ought to moderate the talk of those people who are so 
 stubborn in maintaining that the French duel is the most 
 health-giving of recreations because of the open air exer 
 cise it affords. And it ought also to moderate that foolish 
 talk about French duellists and socialist-hated monarchs 
 being the only people who are, immortal. 
 
10 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 But it is time to get at my subject. As soon as I heard 
 of the late fiery outbreak between M. Gambetta and M. 
 Fourtou in the French Assembly, I knew that trouble 
 must follow. I knew it because a long personal friend 
 ship with M. Gambetta had revealed to me the desperate 
 and implacable nature of the man. Vast as are his physi 
 cal proportions, I knew that the thirst for revenge would 
 penetrate to the remotest frontiers of his person. 
 
 I did not wait for him to call on me, but went at once 
 to him. As I expected, I found the brave fellow steeped 
 ^in a profound French calm. I say French calm, because 
 Trench calmness and English calmness have points of 
 difference. He was moving swiftly back and forth among 
 the debris of his furniture, now and then staving chance 
 fragments of it across the room with his foot; grinding a 
 constant grist of curses through his set teeth ; and halting 
 every little while to deposit another handful of his hair 
 on the pile which he had been building of it on the table. 
 He threw his arms around my neck, bent me over his 
 stomach to his breast, kissed me on both cheeks, hugged 
 me four or five times, and placed me in his own arm-chair. 
 As soon as I had got well again, we began business at once. 
 I said I supposed he would wish me to act as his second, 
 and he said, "Of course;" I said I must be allowed to act 
 under a French name, so that I might be shielded from 
 obloquy in my country, in case of fatal results. He 
 winced here, probably at the suggestion that duelling was 
 not regarded with respect in Americar However, he 
 agreed to my requirement. This accounts for the fact 
 
THE RECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL, * 
 
 fliat. in all the newspaper reports M. Gambetta s second 
 was apparently a Frenchman. 
 
 First, we drew up my principal s will. I insisted upon 
 this, and stuck to my point. I said I had never heard of 
 a man in. his right mind going out to fight a duel without 
 first making his will. He said he had never heard of a 
 man in his right mind doing anything of the kind. When 
 we had finished the will, he wished to proceed to a choice 
 of his "last words." He wanted to know how the fol 
 lowing words, as a dying exclamation, struck me: - 
 
 " I die for my God, for my country, for freedom of 
 speech, for progress,and the universal brotherhood of man !" 
 I objected that this would require too lingering a death ; 
 it was a good speech for a consumptive, but not suited to 
 the exigencies of the field of honour. We wrangled over 
 a good many ante-mortem outbursts, but I finally got him 
 to cut his obituary down to this, which he copied into his 
 memorandum book, purposing to get it by heart : 
 "I DIE THAT FRANCE MAY LIVE." 
 
 I said that this remark seemed to lack relevancy ; but 
 he said relevancy was a matter of no consequence in last 
 words, what you wanted was thrill. 
 
 The next thing in order was the choice of weapons 
 My principal said he was not feeling well, and would leave 
 that and the other details of the proposed meeting to me. 
 Therefore I wrote the following note and carried it to 
 M. Fourtou s friend : 
 
 SIR : M. Gambetta accepts M. Fourtou s challenge, and 
 authorises me to propose Plessis-Piquet as the place of 
 
12 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 meeting; to-morrow morning at day-break as the time; 
 and axes as the weapons. I am, sir, with great respect, 
 
 MAKE TWAIN. 
 
 M. Fourtou s friencf read this note and shuddered. 
 Then he turned to me, and said, with a suggestion of se 
 verity in his tone : 
 
 "Have you considered, sir, what would be the inevit 
 able result of such a meeting as this ?" 
 
 "Well, for instance, what would it be ?" 
 
 " Bloodshed P 
 
 J That s about the size of it," I said. "Now, if it is a 
 fair question, what was your side proposing to shed ?" 
 
 I had him, there. He saw he had made a blunder, so 
 he hastened to explain it away. He said he had spoken 
 jestingly. Then he added that he and his principal would 
 enjoy axes, and indeed prefer them, but such weapons 
 were barred by the French code, and so I must change 
 my proposal. 
 
 I walked the floor turning the thing over in my mind, 
 and finally it occurred to me that Gatling guns at fifteen 
 paces would be a likely way to get a verdict on the field 
 of honour. So I framed this idea into a proposition. 
 
 But it was not accepted. The code was in the way 
 
 in. I proposed rifles; then, double-barrelled shot 
 guns ; then, Colt s navy revolvers. These being all re 
 jected, I reflected a while, and sarcastically suggested 
 brick-bats at three-quarters of a mile. I always hate to 
 fool away a humorous thing on a person who has no per 
 ception of humour; and it filled me with bitterness 
 
THE RECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL. 
 
 this man went soberly away to submit the last proposition 
 
 to his principal. 
 
 Hecame back presently, and said his principal was charm 
 ed with the idea of brick-bats at three-quarters of a mile, 
 but must decline on account of the danger to disinterested 
 parties, passing between. Then I said, 
 
 "Well, I am at the end of my string, now. Perhaps 
 you would be good enough to suggest a weapon ? Per 
 haps you have even had one in your mind all the time?" 
 His countenance brightened, and he said with alacrity, 
 "Oh, without doubt, monsieur!" 
 
 So he fell to hunting in his pockets, pocket after 
 pocket, and he had plenty of them, muttering all the 
 while, "Now, what could I have done with them?" 
 
 At last he was successful. He fished out of his vest 
 pocket a couple of little things which I carried to the light 
 and discovered to be pistols. They were single-barrelled 
 and silver-mounted, and very dainty and pretty. I was 
 not able to speak for emotion. I silently hung one of 
 them on my watch-chain, and returned the other. My 
 companion in crime now unrolled a postage-stamp con 
 taining several cartridges, and gave me one of them. 1 
 asked if he meant to signify by this that our men were 
 to be allowed but one shot apiece. He replied that the 
 French code permitted no more. I then begged him to gr 
 on and suggest a distance, for my mind was growing weak 
 and confused under the strain which had been put upoc 
 it. He named sixty-five yards. I nearly lost my patience 
 I said. 
 
14 SKETCHES BY MA UK TWAIN. 
 
 " Sixty-five yards with these instruments ? Pop-guns 
 would be deadlier at fifty. Consider, my friend, you and I 
 are banded together to destroy life, not to make it eternal." 
 
 But with all my persuasions, all my arguments, I was 
 only able to get him to reduce the distance to thirty-five 
 yards ; and even this concession he made with reluctance, 
 and said with a sigh, 
 
 "I wash my hands of this slaughter; on your head be it." 
 
 There was nothing for me but to go home to my old 
 lion-heart and tell my humiliating story. When I enter 
 ed, M. Gainbetta was laying his last lock of hair upon the 
 altar. He sprang towards me, exclaiming, 
 
 "You have made the fatal arrangements, I see it in 
 your eye !" 
 
 "I have." 
 
 His face paled a trifle, and he leaned upon the table for 
 support. He breathed thick and heavily for a moment or 
 two, so tumultuous were his feelings ; then he hoarsely 
 whispered, 
 
 The weapon, the weapon! Quick! what is the weapon?" 
 This!" and I displayed that silver-mounted thing. 
 He caught but one glimpse of it, then swooned ponder 
 ously to the floor. 
 
 When he came to, he said mournfully. 
 The unnatural calm to which I have subjected myself 
 has told upon my nerves. But away with weakness ! I 
 will confront my fate like a man and a Frenchman." 
 
 >se to his feet and assumed an attitude which for 
 has never Icon approached by man, and has 
 
TIIE KECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL. 15 
 
 seldom been surpassed by statues. Then lie said, in his 
 deep bass tones, 
 
 "Behold, I am calm, I am ready ;. reveal to me the dis 
 tance." 
 
 "Thirty-five yards." 
 
 I could not lift him up, of course ; but I rolled him 
 over, and poured water down his back. He present ly 
 carne too, and said, 
 
 "Thirty-five yards, without a rest? But why ask? 
 
 Since murder was that man s intention, why should he 
 
 palter with small details? But mark you one thing: in 
 
 . my fall the world shall see how the chivalry of France 
 
 meets death." 
 
 After a long silence he asked, 
 
 "Was nothing said about that man s family standing up 
 with him as an offset to my bulk ? But no matter ; I 
 would not stoop to make such a suggestion ; if he is not 
 noble enough to suggest it himself, he is welcome to this 
 advantage, which no honourable man would take." 
 
 He now sank into a sort of stupor of reflection, which 
 lasted some minutes; after which he broke silence with, 
 
 "The hour, what is the hour fixed for the collision ?" 
 
 "Dawn, to-morrow." 
 
 He seemed to be greatly surprised, and immediately said, 
 
 "Insanity! I never heard of such a thing. Nobody is 
 abroad at such an hour." 
 
 "That is the reason I named it. Do you mean to say 
 you want an audience?" 
 
 "It is no time to bandy words. I am astonished that 
 
16 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 M. Fourtou should ever have agreed to so strange an in- 
 novation. Go at once and require a later hour." 
 
 I ran down stairs, threw open the front door, and almost 
 plunged into the arms of M. Fourtou s second. He said, 
 
 "I have the honour to say that my principal strenuously 
 objects to the hour chosen, and begs that you will consent 
 to change it to half -past nine." 
 
 " Any courtesy, sir, which it is in our power to extend 
 is at the service of your excellent principal. We agree to 
 the proposed change of time." 
 
 " I beg you to accept the thanks of my client." Then 
 he turned to a person behind him, and said, "You hear, 
 M. Noir, the hour is altered to half -past nine." Where 
 upon M. Noir bowed, expressed his thanka, and went 
 away. My accomplice continued : 
 
 *If agreeable to you, your chief surgeons and ours 
 shall proceed to the field in the same carriage, as is cus 
 tomary." 
 
 "It is entirely agreeable to me, and I am obliged to you 
 for mentioning the surgeons, for I am afraid I should not 
 have thought of them. How many shall I want? I 
 suppose two or three will be enough ?" 
 
 "Two is the customary number for each party. I refer 
 to chief surgeons ; but considering the exalted positions 
 occupied by our clients, it will be well and decorous that 
 each of us appoint several consulting surgeons, from among 
 the highest in the profession. These will come in their 
 own private carriages. Have you engaged a hearse ?" 
 
 "Bless my stupidity, I never thought of it! I will 
 
THE 11ECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL. 17 
 
 attend to it right away. I must seem very ignorant to 
 you ; but you must try to overlook that, because I have 
 never had any experience of such a swell duel as this 
 before. I have had a good deal to do with duels on the 
 Pacific coast, but I see now that they were crude affairs. 
 A hearse, sho ! we used to leave the elected lying around 
 loose, and let anybody cord them up and cart them off that 
 wanted to. Have you anything further to suggest ?" 
 
 "Nothing, except that the head undertakers shall ride 
 together, as is usu/tl. The subordinates and mutes will 
 go on foot, as is also usual. I will see you at eight o clock 
 in the morning, and we will then arrange the order of the 
 procession. I have the honour to bid you a good day." 
 
 I returned to my client, who said, " Very well ; at what 
 hour is the engagement to begin ?" 
 "Half -past nine." 
 
 "Very good indeed, Have you sent the fact to the 
 newspapers ?" 
 
 "Sir! If after our long and intimate friendship you 
 can for a moment deem me capable of so base a treachery " 
 "Tut, tut! What words are these, my dear friend? 
 Have I wounded you ? Ah ! forgive me ; I am overload 
 ing you with labour. Therefore go on with the other 
 details, and drop this one from ydur list. The bloody- 
 minded Fourtou will be sure to attend to it. Or I myself 
 yes to make certain, I will drop a note to my journal 
 istic friend, M. Noir " 
 
 " Oh, come to think, you may save yourself the trouble; 
 that other second has informed M. Noir." 
 
13 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 "H m ! I might have known it. It is just like that 
 Fourtou, who always wants to make a display." 
 
 At half past nine in the morning the procession ap 
 proached the field of Plessis-Piquet in the following order ; 
 first came our carriage, nobody in it but M. Gambetfca 
 and myself ; then a carriage containing M. Fourtou and 
 his second; then a carriage containing two poet-orators who 
 did not believe in God, and these had MS. funeral orations 
 projecting from their breast pockets ; then a carriage con 
 taining the head surgeons and their cases of instruments; 
 then eight private carriages containing consulting sur 
 geons ; then a hack containing the coroner ; then the two 
 hearses ; then a carriage containing the head undertakers ; 
 then a train of assistants and mutes on foot ; and after 
 these came plodding through the fog a long procession of 
 camp followers, police and citizens generally. It was a 
 noble turnout, and would have made a fine display if we 
 had had thinner weather. 
 
 There was no conversation. I spoke several times to 
 my principal, but I judge he was not aware of it, for he 
 always referred to his note-book and muttered absently, 
 "I die that France may live." 
 
 Arrived on the field, my fellow-second and I paced off 
 the thirty-five yards, and then drew lots for choice of posi 
 tion. This latter was but an ornamental ceremony, for all 
 choices were alike in such weather. These preliminaries 
 being ended, I went to my principal and asked him if he 
 was ready. He spread himself out to his full width, and 
 said in a stern voice, "Ready ! Let the batteries be charged." 
 
THE RECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL, 19 
 
 The loading was done in the presence of duly consti 
 tuted witnesses. We considered it best to perform this 
 delicate service with the assistance of a lantern, on ac 
 count of the state of the weather. We now placed our men. 
 
 At this point the police noticed that the public had 
 massed themselves together on the right and left of the 
 field ; they therefore begged a delay, while they should 
 put these poor people in a place of safety. The request 
 was granted. 
 
 The police having ordered the two multitudes to take 
 positions behind the duellists, we were once more ready. 
 The weather growing still more opaque, it was agreed be 
 tween myself and the other second that before giving the 
 fatal signal we should each deliver a loud whoop, tg enable 
 the combatants to ascertain each other s whereabouts. 
 
 I now returned to my principal, and was distressed to 
 observe that he had lost a good deal of his spirit. I tried 
 my best to hearten him. I said, " Indeed, sir, things are 
 not so bad as they seem. Considering the character of 
 the weapons, the limited number of shots allowed, the 
 generous distance, the impenetrable solidity of the fog, 
 and the added fact that one of the combatants is one- 
 eyed and the other cross-eyed and near sighted, it seems 
 to me that this conflict need not necessarily be fatal There 
 are chances that both of you may survive. Therefore, 
 cheer up ; do not be down-hearted." 
 
 This speech had so good an effect that my principal 
 immediately stretched forth his hand and said, " I am my 
 self again ; give me the weapon." 
 
20 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 I laid it, all lonely and forlorn, in the centre of the 
 vast solitude of his palm. He gazed at it and shuddered. 
 And still mournfully contemplating it, he murmured, in a 
 broken voice, 
 
 " Alas, it is not death I dread, but mutilation." 
 
 I heartened him once more, and with such success that 
 he presently said, " Let the tragedy begin. Stand at my 
 back ; do not desert me in this solemn hour, my friend." 
 
 I gave him my promise. I now assisted him to point 
 his pistol toward the spot where I judged his adversary 
 to be standing, and cautioned him to listen well and fur 
 ther guide himself by my fellow-second s whoop. Then 
 I propped myself against M. Gambetta s back, and raised 
 a rousing " Whoop-ee !" This was answered from out the 
 far distance of the fog, and I immediately shouted, 
 
 "One two three,; -fire /" 
 
 Two little sounds like spit ! spit ! broke upon my ear, 
 and in the same instant I was crushed to the earth under 
 a mountain of flesh. Buried as I was, I was still able to 
 catch a faint accent from above, to this effect, 
 
 "I die for ... for ... perdition take it, what is it I die 
 for ? ... oh, yes, FRANCE ! I die that France may live!" 
 
 The surgeons swarmed around with their probes in their 
 hands, and applied their microscopes to the whole area of 
 M. Gambetta s person, with the happy result of finding 
 nothing in the nature of a wound. Then a scene ensued 
 which was in everyway gratifying and inspiriting. 
 
 The two gladiators fell upon each otl, /; necks, with 
 floods of proud and happy tears ; that other second em- 
 
THE RECENT GREAT FRENCH DUEL. 21 
 
 braced me ; the sturgeons, the orators, the undertakers, 
 the police, everybody embraced, everybody congratulated, 
 everybody cried, and the whole atmosphere was filled 
 with praise and with joy unspeakable. 
 
 It seemed to me then that I would rather be the hero 
 of a French duel than a crowned and sceptred monarch. 
 
 When the commotion had somewhat subsided, the body 
 of surgeons held a consultation, and after a good deal of 
 debate decided that with proper care and nursing there 
 was reason to believe that I would survive my injuries. 
 My internal hurts were deemed the most serious, since it 
 was apparent that a broken rib had penetrated my left 
 lung, and that many of my organs had been pressed out 
 so far to one side or the other of where they belonged, 
 that it was doubtful if they would ever learn to perform 
 their functions in such remote and unaccustomed locali 
 ties. They then set my left arm in two places, pulled my 
 right hip into its socket again, and re-elevated my nose. 
 I was an object of great interest and even admiration; 
 and many sincere and warm-hearted persons had them 
 selves introduced to me, and said they were proud to know 
 the only man who had been hurt in a French duel for 
 forty years. 
 
 I was placed in an ambulance at the very head of the 
 procession ; and thus with gratifying eclat I was marched 
 into Paris, the most conspicuous figure in that great spec 
 tacle, and deposited at the hospital. 
 
 The cross of the Legion of Honour has been conferred 
 upon me. However, few escape that distinction. 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Such is the true version of the most memorable private 
 conflict of the age. My recovery is still doubtful, but 
 there are hopes. I am able to dictate, but there is no 
 knowing when I shall be able to write. 
 
 I have no complaints to make against any one. I 
 acted for myself, and I can stand the consequences. With 
 out boasting, I think I may say I am- not afraid to stand 
 before a modern French duellist, but I will never consent 
 to stand tehind one again. 
 
THE GB&LT REVOLUTION IN PlTCAIKN. 23 
 
 TWfi GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN. 
 
 LET TX& refresh the reader s memory a little. Nearly 
 a hundred years ago the crew of the British ship 
 Bounty mutinied, set the captain and his officers adrift 
 upon the open sea, took possession of the ship, and 
 sailed southward. They procured wives for themselves 
 among the natives of Tahiti, then proceeded to a 
 lonely little rock in mid-Pacific, called Pitcairn s Island, 
 wrecked the vessel, stripped her of everything that 
 might be useful to a new colony, and established them- 
 selves on shore. 
 
 Pitcairn s is so far removed from the track of commerce 
 that it was many years before another vessel touched 
 there. It had always been considered an uninhabited 
 island ; so when a ship did at last drop its anchor there, 
 in 1808, the captain was greatly surprised to find the 
 place peopled. Although the mutineers had fought 
 among themselves, and gradually killed each other oft 
 until only two or three of the orignal stock remained, 
 these tragedies had not occurred before a number of chil 
 dren had been born; so in 1808 the island had a popula 
 tion of twenty-seven persons. John Adams, the chief 
 mutineer, still survived, and was to live many years yet, 
 
24 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 as governor and patriarch of the flock. From being 
 mutineer and homicide, he had turned Christian and 
 teacher, and his nation of twenty-seven persons was now 
 the purest and devoutest in Christendom. Adams had 
 long ago hoisted the British flag and constituted his island 
 an appanage of the British Crown. 
 
 To-day the population numbers ninety persons, six 
 teen men, nineteen women, twenty-five boys, and thirty 
 girls, all descendants of the mutineers, all bearing the 
 family names of those mutineers, and all speaking Eng 
 lish, and English only. The island stands high up out of 
 the sea, and has precipitous walls. It is about three 
 quarters of a mile long, and in places is as much as half a 
 mile wide. Such arable land as it affords is held by the 
 several families, according to a division made many years 
 ago. There is some live stock, goats, pigs, chickens, and 
 cats; but no dogs, and no large animals. There is one church 
 building, used also as a capitol, a school house, and a 
 public library. The title of the governor has been, for a 
 generation or two, " Magistrate and Chief Ruler, in sub 
 ordination to her Majesty the Queen of Great Britain." 1^ 
 was his province to make the laws, as well as execute them 
 His office was elective; everybody over seventeen years 
 old had a vote, no matter about the sex. 
 
 The sole occupations of the people were farming and 
 fishing; their sole recreation, religious services. Theie 
 has never been a shop in the island, nor any money. The 
 habits and dress of the peoplehave alway been primitive, and 
 their laws simple to puerility. They have lived in a deep 
 
THE GSEAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIEN. 25 
 
 Sabbath tranquillity, far from the world and its ambitions 
 and vexations, and neither knowing nor caring what was 
 going on in the mighty empires that lie beyond their 
 limitless ocean solitudes. Once in three or four years a 
 ship touched there, moved them with aged news of bloody 
 battles, devastating epidemics, fallen thrones, and ruined 
 dynasties, then traded them some soap and flannel for 
 some yams and bread-fruit, and sailed away, leaving them 
 to retire into their peaceful dreams and pious dissipations 
 once more. 
 
 On the 8th of last September, Admiral de Horsey, 
 commander-in-chief of the British fleet in the Pacific, 
 visited Pitcairn s Island; and speaks as follows in his 
 official report to the Admiralty : 
 
 " They have beans, carrots, turnips, cabbages, and a 
 little maize; pineapples, fig-trees, custard apples, and 
 oranges ; lemons, and cocoa-nuts. Clothing is obtained 
 alone from passing ships, in barter for refreshments. 
 There are no springs on the island, but as it rains gen 
 erally once a month they have plenty of water, although 
 at times, in former years, they have suffered from drought. 
 No alcoholic liquors, except for medicinal purposes, are 
 used, ami a drunkard is unknown. 
 
 " The necessary articles required by the islanders are 
 host shown by those we furnished in barter for refresh 
 ments: namely, flannel, serge, drill, half-boots, combs, 
 tobacco, and soap. They also stand much in need of 
 maps and slates for their school, and tools of any kind are 
 most acceptable. I caused them to be supplied from the 
 
26 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 public stores with a union-jack for display on the arrival 
 of ships, and a pit saw, of which they were greatly in 
 need. This, I trust, will meet the approval of their lord 
 ships. If the munificent people of England were only 
 aware of the wants of this most deserving little colony, 
 they would not long go unsupplied .... 
 
 "Divine service is held every Sunday at 10.30 a.m. 
 and at 3 p.m., in the house built and used by John Adams 
 for that purpose until he died in 1829. It is conducted 
 strictly in accordance with the liturgy of the Church of 
 England, by Mr. Simon Young, their selected pastor, who 
 is much respected. A Bible class is held every Wednes 
 day, when all who conveniently can attend. There is 
 also a general meeting for prayer on the first Friday in 
 every month. Family prayers are said in every house 
 the first thing in the morning and the last thing in the 
 evening, and no food is partaken of without asking God s 
 blessing before and afterwards. Of these islanders re- 
 ligious attributes no one can speak without deep respect. 
 A people whose greatest pleasure and privilege is to com- 
 mune in prayer with their God, and to join in hymns of 
 praise, and who are, moreover, cheerful, diligent, and 
 probably freer from vice than any other community, need 
 no priest among them." 
 
 Now I come to a sentence in the admiral s report which 
 he dropped carelessly from his pen, no doubt, and never 
 gave the matter a second thought. He little imagined 
 what a freight of tragic prophecy it borel This is the 
 sentence : 
 
GEEAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIftN. 27 
 
 "One stranger, an American, has settled on the island, 
 a doubtful acquisition" 
 
 A doubtful acquisition indeed! Captain Ormsby, in 
 the American ship Hornet, touched at Pitcairn s nearly 
 four months after the admiral s visit, and from the facts 
 which he gathered there we know all about that Ameri 
 can. Let us put these facts together, in historical form. 
 The American s name was Butterworth Stavely. As soon 
 as he had become well acquainted with all the people, 
 and this took but a few days, of course, he began to in 
 gratiate himself with them by all the arts he could com 
 mand. He became exceedingly popular, and much looked 
 up to; for one of the first things he did was to forsake his 
 worldly way of life, and throw all his energies into reli 
 gion. He was always reading his Bible, or praying, or 
 singing hymns, or asking blessings. In prayer, no one had 
 such "liberty " as he, no one could pray so long or so well. 
 At last, when he considered the time to be ripe, he be 
 gan secretly to sow the seeds of discontent among the 
 people. It was his deliberate purpose, from the begin 
 ning, to subvert the government, but of course he kept 
 that to himself for a time. He used different arcs with dif 
 ferent individuals. He awakened dissatisfaction in one 
 quarter by calling attention to the shortness of the Sun 
 day services; he argued that there should be three hour 
 services on Sunday instead of only two. Many had 
 secretly held this opinion before; they now privately banded 
 themselves into a party to work for it. He showed cer 
 tain of the women that they were not allowed sufficient 
 
2S SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 voice in the prayer-meetings; thus another party 
 formed. No weapon was beneath his notice ; he even 
 descended to the children, and awoke discontent in then 
 breasts because as he discovered for them they had not 
 enough Sunday-school. This created a third party. 
 
 Now, as the chief of these parties, he found himself the 
 strongest power in the community. So he proceeded to 
 his next move, a no less important one than the im^ 
 peachment of the chief magistrate, James Russell Nickoy 
 a man of character and ability, and possessed of great 
 wealth, he being the owner of a house with a parlour to it! 
 three acres and a half of yam land, and the only boat in 
 Pitcairn s, a whale-boat; and, most unfortunately, a pre 
 text for this impeachment offered itself at just the right 
 time. One of the earliest and most precious laws of the 
 Island was the law against trespass. It was held in great 
 reverence, and was regarded as the palladium of the peo 
 ple s liberties. About thirty years ago an important case 
 came before the courts under this law, in this wise: a 
 chicken belonging to Elizabeth Young (aged, at that 
 time, fifty-eight, a daughter of John Mills, one of thej 
 mutineers of the Bounty) trespassed upon the grounds of 
 Thursday October Christian (aged twenty-nine, a grand 
 son of Fletcher Christian, one of the mutineers). Chris 
 tian killed the chicken. According to the law, Christian 
 could keep the chicken; or, if he preferred, he could 
 restore its remains to the owner, and receive damages in 
 "produce" to an amount equivalent to the waste and in 
 jury wrought by the trespasser. The court records set 
 
THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN P1TCAIRN. 29 
 
 orth that "the said Christian aforesaid did deliver the 
 foresaid remains to the said Elizabeth Young, and did 
 emand one bushel of yams in satisfaction of the damage 
 one." But Elizabeth Young considered the demand 
 xorbitant; the parties could not agree; therefore Chris- 
 an brought suit in the courts. He lost his case in the 
 ustice s court; at least, he was awarded only a half peck 
 f yams, which he considered insufficient, and in the 
 ature of a defeat. He appealed. The case lingered 
 everal years in an ascending grade of courts, and 
 Iways resulted in decrees sustaining the original verdict; 
 ind finally the thing got into the supreme court, and 
 here it stuck for twenty years. But last summer, even 
 he supreme court managed to arrive at a decision at last. 
 )nce more the original verdict was sustained. Christian 
 hen said he was satisfied; but Stavely was present, and 
 vhispered to him and to his lawyer, suggesting, "as a 
 nere form," that the original law be exhibited, in order 
 o make sure that it still existed. It seemed an odd idea, 
 )ut an ingenious one. So the demand was made. A 
 messenger was sent to the magistrate s house; he pre- 
 ently returned with the tidings that it had disappeared 
 !rom among the state archives. 
 
 The court now pronounced its late decision void, since it 
 lad been made under a law which had no actual existence. 
 
 Great excitement ensued, immediately. The news swept 
 ibroad over the whole island that the palladium of the 
 Dublic liberties was lost, may be treasonably destroyed. 
 Within thirty minutes almost the entire nation were in 
 
30 SKETCHES BY MAilK TWAIN. 
 
 the court room, that is to say, the church. The impeach 
 ment of the chief magistrate followed, upon Stavely s 
 motion. The accused met his misfortune with the dignity 
 which became his great office. He did not plead, or even 
 argue : lie offered the simple defence that he had not med 
 dled with the missing law ; that he had kept the state 
 archives in the same candle-box that had been used as 
 their depository from the beginning; and that he was inno 
 cent of the removal or destruction of the lost document. 
 
 But nothing could save him ; he was found guilty of 
 misprision of treason, and degraded from his office, and all 
 his property was confiscated. 
 
 The lamest part of the whole shameful matter was the 
 reason suggested by his enemies for his destruction of the 
 law, to wit, that he did it to favour Christian, because 
 Christian was his cousin ! Whereas Stavely was the only 
 individual in the entire nation who was not his cousin. 
 The reader must remember that all of these people are 
 the descendants of half a dozen men ; that the first chil 
 dren intermarried together and bore grandchildren to the 
 mutineers ; that these grandchildren intermarried ; after 
 them, great and great-great-grandchildren intermarried : 
 so that to-day everybody is blood-kin to everybody. 
 Moreover, the relationships are wonderfully, even astound- 
 ingly, mixed up and complicated. A stranger, for instance, 
 says to an islander, 
 
 " You speak of that young woman as your cousin ; a 
 while ago you called her your aunt." 
 
 u Well, she is my aunt, and my cousin too. And also my 
 
THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN. 31 
 
 itep-sister, my niece, my fourth cousin, my thirty-third 
 3ousin, my forty-second cousin, my great-aunt, my grand 
 mother, my widowed sister-in-law, and next week she 
 will be my wife." 
 
 So the charge of nepotism against the chief magistrate 
 was weak. But no matter ; weak or strong, it suited Stave- 
 ly. Stavely was immediately elected to the vacant magis 
 tracy ; and, oozing reform from every pore, he went vig 
 orously to work. In no long time religious services raged 
 everywhere and unceasingly. By command, the second 
 prayer of the Sunday morning service, which had -custom 
 arily endured some thirty-five or forty minutes, and had 
 pleaded for the world, first by continent and then by nation 
 al and tribal detail, was extended to an hour and a half, 
 and made to include supplications in behalf of the possible 
 peoples in the several planets. Everybody was pleased 
 with this ; everybody said, " Now, this is something like" 
 By command, the usual three-hour sermons were doubled 
 in length. The nation came in a body to testify their grati 
 tude to the new magistrate. The old law forbidding cook 
 ing on the Sabbath was extended to the prohibition of eat 
 ing, also. By command, Sunday school was privileged to 
 spread over into the week. The joy of all classes was 
 complete. In one short month the new magistrate was 
 become the people s idol. 
 
 The time was ripe for this man s next move. He began, 
 cautiously at first, to poison the public mind against Eng 
 land. He took the chief citizens aside, one by one, and 
 conversed with them on this topic. Presently he grew 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 id spoke out. He said the nation owed it to 
 it sol t, to its honour, to its great traditions, to rise in its 
 might and throw off " this galling English yoke." 
 
 But the simple islanders answered, 
 
 " We had not noticed that it galled, How does it gall ? 
 England sends a ship once in three or four years to give 
 us soap and clothing, and things which we sorely need and 
 gratefully receive ; but she never troubles us ; she lets us 
 go our own way." 
 
 " She lets you go your own way ! So slaves have felt 
 and spoken in all the ages ! This speech shows how fallen 
 you are, how base, how brutalized, you have become, under 
 this grinding tyranny ! What ! has all manly pride for 
 saken you ? is liberty nothing ? Are you content to be a 
 mere appendage to a foreign and hateful sovereignty, when 
 you might riso up and take your rightful place in the 
 august family of nations, great, free, enlightened, inde 
 pendent, the minion of no sceptred master but the arbiter 
 of your own destiny, and a voice and a power in decree 
 ing the destinies of your sister-sovereignties of the world ?" 
 
 Speeches like this produced an effect by and by. Citi 
 zens began to feel the English yoke ; they did not know 
 exactly how or whereabouts they felt it, but they were 
 perfectly certain they did feel it. They got to grumbling 
 a good deal, and chafing under their chains, and longing 
 for relief and release. They presently fell to hating the 
 English flag, that sign and symbol of their nation s degra 
 dation ; they ceased to glance up at it as they passed the 
 capitol, but averted their eyes and grated their teeth ; and 
 
THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN. 
 
 one morning, when it was found trampled into the mud 
 at the foot of the staff, they left it there, and no man put 
 his hand to it to hoist it again. A certain thing which 
 was sure to happen sooner or later happened now. Some 
 of the chief citizens went to the magistrate by night, and 
 said, 
 
 " We can endure this hated tyranny no longer. How 
 can we cast it off ? " 
 
 " By a coup d etat. " 
 
 "How?" 
 
 "A coup d etat It is like this: Everything is got 
 ready, and at the appointed moment I, as the official head 
 of the nation, publicly and solemnly proclaim its inde 
 pendence, and absolve it from allegiance to any and all 
 other powers whatsoever." 
 
 " That sounds simple and easy. We can do that right 
 away. Then what will be the next thing to do ?" 
 
 Seize all the defences and public properties of all 
 kinds, establish martial law, put the army and navy on a 
 war footing, and proclaim the empire ! 
 
 This fine programme dazzled these innocents. They said* 
 
 " This is grand, this is splendid ; but will not England 
 resist ? " 
 
 " Let her. This rock is a Gibraltar." 
 
 " True. But about the empire ? Do we need an empire, 
 and an emperor ? " 
 
 " What you need my friends, is unification. Look at 
 Germany ; look at Italy. They are unified. Unification 
 is the thing. It makes living dear. That constitutes pro- 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 . We must have a standing army and a navy. Taxes 
 follow, as a matter of course. All these things summed 
 up make grandeur. With unification and grandeur, what 
 more can you want ? Very well, only the empire can 
 confer these boons." 
 
 So on the 8th day of December Pitcairn s Island was 
 proclaimed a free and independent nation; and on the 
 same day the solemn coronation of Butterworth I., emperor 
 of Pitcairn s Island took place, amid great rejoicings and 
 festivities. The entire nation, with the exception of four 
 teen persons, mainly little children, marched past the 
 throne in single file, with banners and music, the proces 
 sion being upwards of ninety feet long ; and some said it 
 was as much as three quarters of a minute passing a given 
 point. Nothing like it had ever been seen in the history 
 of the island before. Public enthusiasm was measureless. 
 
 Now straightway imperial reforms began. Orders of 
 nobility were instituted. A minister of the navy was 
 appointed, and the whale boat put in commission. A 
 minister of war was created, ayid ordered to proceed at once 
 with the formation of a standing army. A first lord of 
 the treasury was named and commanded to get up a tax 
 ation scheme, and also open, negotiations for treaties, of 
 fensive, defensive, and commercial, with foreign powers. 
 Some generals and admirals were appointed ; also some 
 chamberlains, some equerries in waiting, and some lords 
 of the bed-chamber. 
 
 At this point all the material was used up. The Grand 
 Duke of Galilee, minister of war, complained that all the 
 
THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN. 35 
 
 sixteen grown men in the empire had been given great 
 offices, and consequently would not consent to serve in the 
 ranks ; wherefore his standing army was at a stand-still. 
 The Marquis of Ararat, minister of the navy, made a 
 similar complaint. He said he was willing to steer the 
 whale-boat himself, but he must have somebody to man 
 her. 
 
 The emperor did the best he could in the circumstances ; 
 he took all the boys above the age of ten years away from 
 their mothers, and pressed them into the army, thus con 
 structing a corps of seventeen privates, officered by one 
 lieutenant-general and two major-generals. This pleased 
 the minister of war, but procured the enmity of all the 
 mothers in the land ; for they said their precious ones must 
 now find bloody graves in the fields of war, and he would 
 be answerable for it. Some of the more heart-broken and 
 inappeasable among them lay constantly in wait for the 
 emperor and threw yams at him unmindful of the body 
 guard. 
 
 On account of the extreme scarcity of material, it was 
 found necessary to require the Duke of Bethany, post 
 master-general, to pull stroke-oar in the navy, and thus 
 sit in the rear of a noble of lower degree, namely, Viscount 
 Canaan, lord-justice of the common pleas. This turned 
 the Duke of Bethany into a tolerably open malcontent and 
 a secret conspirator, a thing which the emperor foresaw, 
 but could not help. 
 
 Things went from bad to worse. The emperor raised 
 Nancy Peters to the peerage on one day, and married her 
 
36 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN, 
 
 the next, notwithstanding, for reasons of state, tne cabinet 
 had strenuously advised him to marry Emmeline, eldest 
 daughter of the Archbishop of Bethlehem. This caused 
 trouble in a powerful quarter, the church. The new 
 empress secured the support and friendship of two-thirds 
 of the thirty-six grown women in the nation by absorbing 
 them into her court as maids of honour ; but this made 
 deadly enemies of the remaining twelve. The families of 
 the maids of honour soon began to rebel, because there 
 was now nobody at home to keep house. The twelve 
 snubbed women refused to enter the imperial kitchen as 
 servants ; so the empress had to require the Countess of 
 Jericho and other great court dames to fetch water, sweep 
 the palace, and to perform other menial and equally dis 
 tasteful services. This made bad blood in that depart 
 ment. 
 
 Every body fell to complaining that the taxes levied 
 for the support of the army, the navy, and the rest of the 
 imperial establishment were intolerably burdensome, and 
 were reducing the nation to beggary. The emperor s re 
 ply " Look at Germany ; look at Italy. Are you better 
 than they ? and haven t you unification ? " did not satisfy 
 them. They said, " People can t eat unification, and we are 
 starving. Agriculture has ceased. Everybody is in the 
 army, everybody is in the navy, everybody is in the public 
 service, standing around in a uniform, with nothing what 
 ever to do, nothing to eat and nobody to till the fields." 
 
 " Look at Germany ; look at Italy. It is the same there. 
 Such is unification, and there s no other w.ay to get it 
 
THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRtf. 87 
 
 no other way to keep it after you ve got it," said the poor 
 emperor always. 
 
 But the grumbler only replied, " We can t stand the 
 taxes we can t stand them." 
 
 Now right on the top of this the cabinet reported a 
 national debt amounting to upwards of forty-five dollars 
 half a dollar to every individual in the nation. And 
 they proposed to fund something. They had heard that 
 this was always done in such emergencies. They proposed 
 duties on exports ; also on imports. And they wanted to 
 issue bonds ; also paper money, redeemable in yams and 
 cabbages in fifty years. They said the pay of the army 
 and of the navy and of the whole governmental machine 
 was far in arrears, and unless something was done, and 
 done immediately, national bankruptcy must ensue, and 
 possibly insurrection and revolution. The emperor at 
 once resolved upon a high-handed measure, and one of a 
 nature never before heard of in Pitcairn s Island. He 
 went in state to the church on Sunday morning, with the 
 army at his back, and commanded the minister of the 
 treasury to take up a collection. 
 
 That was the feather that broke the camel s back. First 
 one citizen, and then another, rose and refused to submit 
 to this unheard-of outrage and each refusal was followed 
 by the immediate confiscation of the malcontent s property. 
 This vigour soon stopped the refusals, and the collection 
 proceeded amid a sullen and ominous silence. As the 
 emperor withdrew with the troops, he said, " I will teach 
 you who is master here." Several persons shouted, " Down 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 with unification !" They were at once arrested and torn from 
 the arms of their weeping friends by the soldiery. 
 
 But in the meantime, as any prophet might have fore 
 seen, a Social Democrat had been developed. As the 
 emperor stepped into the gilded imperial wheelbarrow at 
 the church door, the social democrat stabbed at him fifteen 
 or sixteen times with a harpoon, but fortunately with such 
 a peculiarly social democratic unprecision of aim as to do 
 no damage. 
 
 That very night the convulsion came. The nation rose 
 as one man though forty-nine of the revolutionists were 
 of the other sex. The infantry threw down their pitch 
 forks ; the artillery cast aside their cocoa-nuts ; the navy 
 revolted ; the emperor was seized, and bound hand and 
 foot in his palace. He was very much depressed. He 
 said 
 
 " I freed you from a grinding tyranny ; I lifted you up 
 out of your degradation, and made you a nation among 
 nations ; I gave you a strong, compact, centralized govern 
 ment; and, more than all, I gave you the blessing of 
 blessings unification. I have clone all this, and my 
 reward is hatred, insult, and these bonds. Take me ; do 
 with me as ye will. I here resign my crown and all my 
 dignities, and gladly do I release myself from their too 
 heavy burden. For your sake I took them up ; for your 
 sake I lay them down. The imperial jewel is no more ; 
 now bruise and defile as ye will the useless setting." 
 
 By a unanimous voice the people condemned the ex- 
 emperor and the social democrat to perpetual banishment 
 
THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN HTCAlRN. 
 
 from church services, or to perpetual labour as galley- 
 slaves in the whale-boat whichever they might prefer. 
 The next day the nation assembled again, and re-hoisted 
 the British flag, reinstated the British tyranny, reduced 
 the nobility to the condition of commoners again, and 
 then straightway turned their diligent attention to the 
 weeding of the ruined and neglected yam patches, and 
 the rehabilitation of the old useful industries and the old 
 healing and solacing pieties. The ex-emperor restored the 
 lost trespass law, and explained that he had stolen it 
 not to injure any one, but to further his political projects. 
 Therefore the nation gave the late chief magistrate his 
 office again, and also his alienated property. 
 
 Upon reflection, the ex-emperor and the social democrat 
 chose perpetual banishment from religious services, ia 
 preference to perpetual labour as galley-slaves " with per 
 petual religious services," as they phrased it ; wherefore 
 the people believed that the poor fellows troubles had 
 unseated their reason, and so they judged it best to con 
 fine them for the present. Which they did. 
 
 Such is the history of Pitcairn s " doubtful acquisition." 
 
40 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE BAD LITTLE BOY. 
 
 ONCE there was a bad little boy whose name was Jim 
 though, if you will notice x you will find that bad little 
 boys are nearly always called James in your Sunday school 
 books. It was strange, but still it was true that this one 
 was called Jim. 
 
 He didn t have any sick mother either a sick mother 
 who was pious and had the consumption, and would be glad 
 to lie down in the grave and be at rest but for the strong 
 love she bore her boy, and the anxiety she felt that the 
 world might be harsh and cold towards him when she was 
 gone. Most bad boys in the Sunday books are named 
 James, and have sick mothers, who teach them to say 
 Now, I lay me down," etc., and sing them to sleep with 
 sweet, plaintive voices, and then kiss them good night, 
 and kneel down by the bedside and weep. But it was 
 different with this fellow. He was named Jim, and there 
 wasn t anything the matter with his motherno consump 
 tion, nor anything of that kind. She was rather stout than 
 otherwise, and she was not pious ; moreover, she -srto not 
 anxious on Jim s account. She said if he were to break his 
 neck it wouldn t be much loss. She a 1 ways spanked Jim 
 to sleep, and she never kissed him good night ; on the con 
 trary, she boxed his ears when she was ready to leave him. 
 
1HE STOEY OF THE BAD LITTLE BOY. 
 
 Once this little bad boy stole the key of the pantry, and 
 slipped in there and helped himself to some jam, and filled 
 up the vessel with tar, so that his mother would never 
 know the difference ; but all at once a terrible feeling didn t 
 come over him, and something didn t seem to whisper to 
 him, " Is it right to disobey my mother ? Isn t it sinful to 
 do this ? Where do bad little boys go who gobble up their 
 good kind mother s jam ?" a ad then he didn t kneel down 
 all alone and promise never to be wicked any more, and 
 rise up with a light, happy heart, and go and tell his 
 mother all about it, and beg her forgiveness, and be bless 
 ed by her with tears of pride and thankfulness in her eyes. 
 No ; that is the way with all other bad boys in the books ; 
 but it happened otherwise with this Jim, strangely enough. 
 He ate that jam, and said it was bully, in his sinful, vulgar 
 way ; and he put in the tar, and said that was bully also ; 
 and laughed, and observed "that the old woman would 
 get up and snort" when she found it out ; and when she 
 did find it out, he denied knowing anything about it, and 
 she whipped him severely, and he did the crying himself. 
 Everything about this boy was curious everything turn 
 ed out differently with him from the way it does to the 
 bad Jameses in the books. 
 
 Once he climbed up in Farmer Acorn s apple-tree to steal 
 apples, and the limb didn t break, and he didn t fall and 
 break his arm, and get torn by the farmer s great dog, and 
 then languish on a sick bed for weeks, and repent and 
 become good. Oh, no; he stole as many apples as ha 
 wanted, and came down all right ; and he was all ready 
 
KKTCHFS BY MARK 
 
 for the dog, too, and knocked him endways with a brick 
 when he came to tear him. It was very strange nothing 
 like it ever happened in those mild little books with mar 
 bled backs, and with pictures in them of men with swal 
 low-tailed coats and bell-crowned hats, and pantaloons 
 that are short in the legs, and women with the waists of 
 their dresses under their arms, and no hoops on. Nothing 
 like it in any of the Sunday school books. 
 
 Once he stole the teacher s pen-knife, and, when he was 
 afraid it would be found out and he would get whipped, 
 he slipped it into George Wilson s cap poor widow Wil 
 son s son, the moral boy, the good little boy of the village, 
 who always obeyed his mother, and never told an untruth, 
 and was fond of his lessons, and infatuated with Sunday 
 school. And when the knife dropped from the cap, and 
 poor George hung his head and blushed, as if in conscious 
 guilt, and the grieved teacher charged the theft upon him, 
 and was just in the very act of bringing the switch down 
 upon his trembling shoulders, a white-haired, improbable 
 justice of the peace did not suddenly appear in their midst, 
 and strike an attitude and say, " Spare this noble boy- 
 there stands the cowering culprit! I was passing the 
 school door at recess, and unseen myself, I saw the theft 
 committed!" And then Jim didn t get whaled, and the 
 venerable justice didn t read the tearful school a homily, 
 and take George by the hand and say such a boy deserved 
 to be exalted, and then tell him to come and make his 
 home with him, and sweep out the office, and make fires, 
 and run errands, and chop wood, and study law, and help 
 
TEE STOKY OF THE BAD LITTLE BOY. 
 
 his wife do household labours, and have all the balance 
 of the time to play, and get forty cents a month, and be 
 happy. No; it would have happened that way in the 
 books, but it didn t happen that way to Jim. No med 
 dling old clam of a justice dropped in to make trouble, 
 and & so the model boy George got thrashed, and Jim was 
 glad of it because, you know, Jim hated moral boys. Jim 
 said he was " down on them milksops." Such was the 
 coarse language of this bad, neglected boy. 
 
 But the strangest thing that ever happened to Jim was 
 the time he went boating on Sunday, and didn t get 
 drowned, and that other time that he got caught out in 
 the storm when he was fishing on Sunday, and didn t get 
 struck by lightning. Why, you might look, and look, 
 all through the Sunday school books from now till next 
 Christmas, and you would never come across anything 
 like this. Oh no ; you would find that all the bad boys 
 who go boating on Sunday invariably get drowned ; and 
 all the bad boys who get caught out in storms when they 
 are fishing on Sunday, infallibly get struck by lightning. 
 Boats with bad boys in them always upset on Sunday, 
 and it always storms when bad boys go fishing on the 
 Sabbath. How this Jim ever escaped is a mystery to me. 
 This Jim bore a charmed life that must have been the 
 way of it. Nothing could hurt him. He even gave the 
 elephant in the menagerie a plug of tobacco, and the ele 
 phant didn t knock the top of his head off with his trunk. 
 He browsed around the cupboard after essence of pepper 
 mint, and didn t mak take and drink aqua fartis. 
 
44 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 He stole his father s gun and went hunting on the Sabbath, 
 and didn t shoot three or four of his fingers off. He struck 
 his little sister on the temple with his fist when he was 
 angry, and she didn t linger in pain through long summer 
 days; and die with sweet words of forgiveness upon her 
 lips that redoubled the anguish of his breaking heart. No ; 
 she got over it. He ran off and went to sea at last, and 
 didn t come back and find himself sad and alone in the 
 world, his loved ones sleeping in the quiet churchyard, and 
 the vine-embowered home of his boyhood tumbled down 
 and gone to decay. Ah, no ; he came home as drunk as a 
 piper, and got into the station-house the first thing. 
 
 And he grew up and married, and raised a large family, 
 and brained them all with an axe one night, and got 
 wealthy by all manner of cheating and rascality; and 
 now he is the infernalest wickedest scoundrel in his native 
 village, and is universally respected, and belongs to the 
 Legislature. 
 
 So you see there never was a bad James in the Sunday 
 school books that had such a streak of luck as this sinful 
 Tirn with the charmed life. 
 
 
THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY. 
 
 ONCE there was a good little boy by the name of Jacob 
 Blivens. He always obeyed his parents, no matter 
 how absurd and unreasonable their demands were ; and he 
 always learned his book, and never was late at Sabbath 
 school. He would not play hookey, even when his sober 
 judgment told him it was the most profitable thing he 
 could do. None of the other boys could ever make that 
 boy out, he acted so strangely. He wouldn t lie, no mat 
 ter how convenient it was. He just said it was wrong 
 to lie, and that was sufficient for him. And he was so 
 honest that he was simply ridiculous. The curious ways 
 that that Jacob had, surpassed everything. He wouldn t 
 play marbles on Sunday, he wouldn t rob birds nests, he 
 wouldn t give hot pennies to organ-grinders monkeys : 
 he didn t seem to take any interest in any kind of ration 
 al amusement. So the other boys used to try to reason 
 it out and come to an understanding of him, but they 
 couldn t arrive at any satisfactory conclusion. As I said 
 before, they could only figure out a sort of vague idea 
 that he was " afflicted," and so they took him under their 
 protection, and never allowed any harm to come to him. 
 This good little boy read all the Sunday school books ; 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 they were his greatest delight. This was the whole 
 secret of it. He believed in the good little boys they put 
 in the Sunday school books ; he had every confidence in 
 them. He longed to come across one of them alive, once ; 
 but he never did. They all died before his time, maybe. 
 Whenever he read about a particularly good one he turn 
 ed over quickly to the end to see what became of him, 
 because he wanted to travel thousands of miles and gaze 
 on him ; but it wasn t any use ; that good little boy 
 always died in the last chapter, and there was a picture 
 of the funeral, with all his relations and the Sunday 
 school children standing around the grave in pantaloons 
 that were too short, and bonnets that were too large, and 
 everybody crying into handkerchiefs that had as much as 
 a yard and a half of stuff in them. He was always headed 
 off in this way. He never could see one of those good little 
 boys on account of his always dying in the last chapter. 
 Jacob had a noble ambition to be put in a Sunday 
 school book. He wanted to be put in, with pictures re 
 presenting him gloriously declining to lie to his mother, 
 and her weeping for joy about it $ and pictures represent 
 ing him standing on the doorstep giving a penny to a 
 poor beggar-woman with six children, and telling her to 
 spend it freely, but not to be extravagant, because extra 
 vagance is a sin ; and pictures of him magnanimously re 
 fusing to tell on the bad boy who always lay in wait for 
 him around the corner as he came from school, and welt 
 ed him over the head with a lath, and then chased him 
 home, saying, Hi ! hi ! " as he proceeded. That was the 
 
THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY. 47 
 
 ambition of young Jacob Blivens. He wished to be put 
 n a Sunday school book. It made him feel a little un 
 comfortable sometimes when he reflected that the good 
 ittle boys always died. He loved to live, you know, and 
 ihis was the most unpleasant feature about being a Sun 
 day school book boy. He knew it -was not healthy to be 
 good. * He knew it was more fatal than consumption to 
 >e so supernaturally good as the boys in the books were ; 
 le knew that none of them had ever been able to stand 
 t long, and it pained him to think that if they put him 
 in a book he wouldn t ever see it, or even if they did get 
 ;he book out before he died it wouldn t be popular with 
 out any picture of his funeral in the back part of it. It 
 couldn t be much of a Sunday school book that couldn t 
 ;ell about the advice he gave to the community when he 
 was dying. So at last, of course, he had to make up his 
 mind to do the best he could under the circumstances to 
 live right, and hang on as long as he could, and have his 
 dying speech all ready when his time came. 
 
 But somehow nothing ever went right with this good 
 little boy ; nothing ever turned out with him the way it 
 turned out with the good little boys in the books. They 
 always had a good time, and the bad boys had the broken 
 legs ; but in his case there was a screw loose somewhere, 
 and it all happened just the other way. When he found 
 Jim Blake stealing apples, and went under the tree to 
 read to him about the bad little boy who fell out of a 
 neighbour s apple-tree and broke his arm, Jim fell out of 
 the tree too, but he fell on him, and broke his arm, and 
 
48 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Jim wasn t hurt at all. Jacob couldn t understand that. 
 There wasn t anything in the books like it. 
 
 And once, when some bad boys pushed a blind man 
 over in the mud, and Jacob ran to help him up and re 
 ceive his blessing, the blind man did not give him any 
 blessing at all, but whacked him over the head with his 
 stick and said he would like to catch him shoving him 
 again, and then pretending to help him up. This was not 
 in accordance with any of the books. Jacob looked them 
 all over to see. 
 
 One thing that Jacob wanted to do was to find a lame 
 dog that hadn t any place to stay and was hungry and 
 persecuted, and bring him home and pet him and have 
 that dog s imperishable gratitude. And at last he found 
 one and was happy; and he brought him home and fed 
 him, but when he was going to pet him the dog flew at 
 him and tore all the clothes off him except those that 
 were in front, and made a spectacle of him that was 
 astonishing. He examined authorities, but he could not 
 understand the matter. It was of the same breed of 
 dogs that was in the books, bat it acted very differently. 
 Whatever this boy did he got into trouble. The very 
 things the boys in the books got rewarded for turned out 
 to be about the most unprofitable things he could in- 
 st in. 
 
 Once, when he was on his way to Sunday-school, he 
 saw some bad boys starting off pleasuring in a sail-boat. 
 He was filled with consternation, because he knew from 
 his reading that boys who went sailing on Sunday invari- 
 
THE STORY OF THE GOOl) LITTLE BOY, 49 
 
 ably got drowned. So he ran out on a raft to warn 
 them, but a log turned with him and slid him into the 
 river A. man got him out pretty soon, and the doctor 
 pumped the water out of him, and gave him a fresh star. 
 with his bellows, but he caught cold and lay sick a-bed 
 nine weeks. But the most unaccountable thing about it 
 was that the bad boys in the boat had a good time all 
 day, and then reached home alive and well in the most 
 surprising manner. Jacob Blivens said there was noth 
 ing like these things in the books. He was perfectly 
 dumbfounded. 
 
 When he got well he was a little discouraged, but he 
 resolved to keep on trying anyhow. He knew that so 
 far his experiences wouldn t do to go in a book, but he 
 hadn t yet reached the allotted term of life for good little 
 boys, and he hoped to be able to make a record yet if 
 he could hold on till his time was fully up. If everything 
 else failed he had his dying speech to fall back on. 
 
 He examined his authorities, and found that it was 
 now time for him to go to sea as a cabin-boy. He called 
 on a ship captain and made his application, and when the 
 captain asked for his recommendations he proudly drew 
 out a tract and pointed to the words, "To Jacob Blivens, 
 from his affectionate teacher." But the captain was a 
 coarse, vulgar man, and he said, "Oh, that be blowed! 
 that wasn t any proof that he knew how to wash dishes 
 or handle a slush-bucket, and he guessed he didn t want 
 him." This was altogether the most extraordinary thing 
 that ever happened to Jacob in all his life, A compli- 
 
50 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 ment from a teacher, on a tract, had never failed to move 
 the tenderest emotions of ship captains, and open the way 
 to all offices of honour and profit in their gift it never 
 had in any book that ever he had read. He could hardly 
 believe his senses. 
 
 The boy always had a hard time of it. Nothing ever 
 came out according to the authorities with him. At last, 
 one day, when he was around hunting up bad little boys* 
 to admonish, he found a lot of them in the old iron 
 foundry fixing up a little joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs, 
 which they had tied together in long procession, and were 
 going to ornament with empty nitro-glycerine cans made 
 fast to their tails. Jacob s heart was touched. He sat 
 down on one of those cans (for he never minded grease 
 when duty was before him), and he took hold of the fore 
 mast dog by the collar, and turned his reproving eye upon 
 wicked Tom Jones. But just at that moment Alderman 
 Me Welter, full of wrath, stepped in. All the bad boys 
 ran away, but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence 
 and began one of those stately little Sunday-school-book 
 speeches which always commence with "Oh, sir!" in dead 
 opposition to the fact that no boy, good or bad, ever starts 
 a remark with " Oh, sir." But the alderman never waited 
 to hear the rest. He took Jacob Blivens by the ear and 
 turned him around, and hit him a whack in the rear with 
 the flat of his hand; and in an instant that good little 
 boy shot out through the roof and soared away towards 
 the sun, with the fragments of those fifteen dogs stringing 
 after him like the tail of a kite. And there wasn t a sign 
 
THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY. 51 
 
 of that alderman or that old iron foundry left on the face 
 of the earth; and, as for young Jacob Blivens, he never 
 got a chance to make his last dying speech after all his 
 trouble fixing it up, unless he made it to the birds; be 
 cause, although the bulk of him came down all right in a 
 tree-top in an adjoining county, the rest of him was appor^ 
 tioned around among four townships, and so they had to 
 hold five inquests on him to find out whether he was 
 dead or not, and how it occurred. You never saw a boy 
 scattered so.* 
 
 Thus perished the good little boy who did the best he 
 could, but didn t come out according to the books. Every 
 boy who ever did as he did prospered except him. His 
 case is truly remarkably. It will probably never be ac 
 counted for. 
 
 * This glycerine catastrophe is borrowed from a floating newspaper item, 
 whose author s name I would give if I knew it. [M. T.j 
 
52 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 EXPERIENCE OF THE MoWILLIAMSES WITH 
 MEMBRANOUS CROUP. 
 
 AS RELATED TO THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK BY MR. MC- 
 WILLIAMS, A PLEASANT NEW YORK GENTLEMAN WHOM 
 THE SAID AUTHOR MET BY CHANCE ON A JOURNEY. 
 
 WELL, to go back to where I was before I digressed 
 to explain to you how that frightful and incurable 
 disease, membranous croup, was ravaging the town and 
 driving all mothers mad with terror, I called Mrs. Mc- 
 Williams attention to little Penelope and said : 
 
 "Darling, I wouldn t let that child be chewing that pine 
 stick if I were you." 
 
 " Precious, where is the harm in it ? " said she, but at the 
 same time preparing to take away the stick for women 
 cannot receive even the most palpably judicious suggestion 
 without arguing it ; that is, married women. 
 
 I replied : 
 
 " Love, it is notorious that pine is the least nutritious 
 wood that a child can eat." 
 
 My wife s hand paused, in the act of taking the stick, 
 and returned itself to her lap. Sho bridled perceptibly, 
 and said: 
 
MEMBRANOUS CROUP. 53 
 
 " Hubby, you know better than that. You know you 
 do. Doctors all say that the turpentine in pine wood is 
 good for weak back and the kidneys." 
 
 h I was under a misapprehension. I did not know 
 that the child s kidneys and spine were affected, and that 
 the family physician had recommended 
 
 " Who said the child s spine and kidneys were affected ? " 
 " My love, you intimated it." 
 
 " The idea ! I never intimated anything of the kind." 
 " Why, my dear, it hasn t been two minutes since yon 
 said" 
 
 " Bother what I said ! I don t care what I did say. 
 There isn t any harm in the child s chewing a bit of pine 
 stick if she wants to, and you know it perfectly well. 
 And she shall chew it, too. So there now ! " 
 
 " Say no more, my dear. I now see the force of your 
 reasoning, and I will go and order two or three cords of 
 the best pine wood to-day. No child of mine shall want 
 while I" 
 
 " please go along to your office and let me have some 
 peace. A body can never make the simplest remark but 
 you must take it up and go to arguing and arguing and 
 arguing till you don t know what you are talking about ; 
 and you never do." 
 
 " Very well, it shall be as you say. But there is a want 
 of logic in your last remark which " 
 
 However she was gone with a flourish before I could 
 Bnish, and had taken the child with her. That night at 
 dinner she confronted me with a face as white as a sheet, 
 
54 SKETCKES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 " 0, Mortimer, there s another ! Little Georgie Gordon 
 is taken." 
 
 " Membranous croup ? " 
 
 " Membranous croup." 
 
 " Is there any hope for him ? " 
 
 " None in the wide world. Oh, what is to become of us !" 
 
 By and by a nurse brought in our Penelope to say good 
 night and offer the customary prayer at the mother s knee. 
 In the midst of " Now I lay me down to sleep," she gave 
 a slight cough ! My wife fell back like one stricken with 
 death. But the next moment she was up and brimming 
 with the activities which terror inspires. 
 
 She commanded that the child s crib be removed from 
 the nursery to our bed-room ; and she went along to see 
 the order executed. She took me with her, of course. 
 We got matters arranged with speed. A cot bed was put 
 up in my wife s dressing room for the nurse. But now 
 Mrs. McWilliams said we were too far away from the 
 other baby, and what if he were to have the symptoms 
 in the night and she blanched again, poor thing. 
 
 We then restored the crib and the nurse to the nursery 
 and put up a bed for ourselves in a room adjoining. 
 
 Presently, however, Mrs. McWilliams said, "Suppose the 
 baby should catch it from Penelope ? " This thought struck 
 a new panic to her heart, and the tribe of us could not get 
 the crib out of the nursery again fast enough to satisfy 
 my wife, though she assisted in her own person and well 
 nigh pulled the crib to pieces in her frantic hurry. 
 
 We moved down stairs ; but there was no place there 
 
MEMBRA:, ous CROUP, 55 
 
 to stow the nurse, and Mrs. Me Williams said the nurse s 
 experience would be an inestimable help. So we re 
 turned, bag and baggage, to our own bed-room once more, 
 and felt a great gladness, like storm-buffeted birds that 
 have found their nests again. 
 
 Mrs. Me Williams sped to the nursery to see how things 
 were going on there. She was back in a moment with a 
 new dread. She said : 
 
 " What can make Baby sleep so ?" 
 
 I said : 
 
 " Why, my darling, Baby always sleeps like a graven 
 image." 
 
 "I know. I know; but there s something peculiar 
 about his sleep, now. He seems to to he seems to 
 breathe so regularly. 0, this is dreadful." 
 
 " But my dear he always breathes regularly." 
 
 " Oh, I know it, but there s something frightful about 
 it now. His nurse is too young and inexperienced. 
 Maria shall stay there with her, and be on hand if any 
 thing happens." 
 
 " That is a good idea, but who will help you ?" 
 
 " You can help me all I want. I wouldn t allow any 
 body to do anything but myself, any how, at such a time 
 as this." 
 
 I said I would feel mean to lie abed and sleep, and 
 
 leave her to watch and toil over our little patient all the 
 
 weary night. But she reconciled me to it. So old Maria 
 
 departed and took up her ancient quarters in the nursery 
 
 Penelope coughed twice in her sleep. 
 
50 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 "Oh, why don t that doctor come! Mortimer, this 
 room is too warm. This room is certainly too warm. 
 Turn off the register quick 1" 
 
 I shut it off, glancing at the thermometer at the same 
 time, and wondering to myself if 70 was too warm for a 
 sick child. 
 
 The coachman arrived from down town, now, with the 
 news that our physician was ill and confined to his bed. 
 Mrs. McWilliams turned a dead eye upon me, and said in 
 a dead voice : 
 
 " There is a Providence in it. It is foreordained. He 
 never was sick before. Never. We have not been living 
 as we ought to live, Mortimer. Time and time again I 
 have told you so. Now you see the result. Our child 
 will never get well. Be thankful if you can forgive 
 yourself ; I never can forgive myself" 
 
 I said, without intent to hurt, but with heedless choice 
 of words, that I could not see that we had been living such 
 an abandoned life. 
 
 " Mortimer ! Do you want to bring the judgment upon 
 Baby, too ! " 
 
 Then she began to cry, but suddenly exclaimed : 
 
 " The doctor must have sent medicines 1" 
 
 I said : 
 
 "Certainly. They are here. I was only waiting for 
 you to give me a chance." 
 
 " Well do give them to me ! Don t you know that every 
 moment is precious now ? But wh at was the use in sending 
 medicines, when he knows that the disease is incurable ?" 
 
MEMBRANOUS CROUP. 57 
 
 I said that while there was life there was hope. 
 
 " Hope ! Mortimer, you know no more what you are 
 talking about than the child unborn. If you would- 
 As I live, the directions say give one teaspoonful once an 
 hour ! Once an hour ! as if we had a whole year before 
 us to save the child in ! Mortimer, please hurry. Give 
 the poor perishing thing a table-spoonful, and try to be 
 
 quick!" 
 
 " Why, my dear, a table-spoonful might 
 
 " Don t drive me frantic ! . . . . There, there, there, my 
 precious, my own ; it s nasty bitter stuff, but it s good for 
 Nelly good for "Mother s precious darling ; and it will 
 make her well. There, there, there, put the little head on 
 Mamma s breast and go to sleep, and pretty soon Oh, I 
 know she can t live till morning! Mortimer, a table- 
 spoonful every half hour will. Oh, the child needs 
 belladonna too ; I know she does and aconite. Get them, 
 Mortimer. Now do let me have my way. You know no 
 thing about these things." 
 
 We now went to bed, placing the crib close to my wife s 
 pillow. All this turmoil had worn upon me, and within 
 two minutes I was something more than half asleep. Mrs. 
 Me Williams roused me : 
 
 " Darling, is that register turned on ? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 " I thought as much. Please turn it on at once. This 
 
 room is cold." 
 
 I turned it on. and presently fell asleep again. I 
 aroused once more : 
 5 
 
58 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 " Dearie, would you mind moving the crib to your side 
 of the bed ? It is nearer the register." 
 
 I moved it, but had a collision with the rug and woke 
 up the child. I dozed off once more, while my wife quieted 
 the sufferer. But in a little while these words came mur 
 muring remotely through the fog of my drowsiness : 
 
 " Mortimer, if we only had some goose-grease will you 
 ring?; 
 
 I climbed dreamily out, and stepped on a cat, which 
 responded with a protest and would have got a convincing 
 kick for it if a chair had not got it instead. 
 
 " Now, Mortimer, why do you want to turn up the gas 
 and wake up the child again ? " 
 
 " Because I want to see how much I am hurt, Caroline." 
 
 " Well look at the chair, too I have no doubt it is 
 ruined. Poor cat, suppose you had " 
 
 " Now I am not going to suppose anything about the 
 cat. It never would have occurred if Maria had been al 
 lowed to remain here and attend to these duties, which 
 are in her line and are not in mine." 
 
 " Now Mortimer, I should think you would be ashamed 
 to make a remark like that. It is a pity if you cannot 
 do the few little things I ask of you at such an awful 
 time as this when our child " 
 
 " There, there, I will do anything you want. But I 
 can t raise anybody with this bell. They re all gone to 
 bed. Where is the goose-grease ? " 
 
 " On the mantel-piece in the nursery. If you ll step 
 there and speak to Maria " 
 
MEMBRANOUS CROUP. 59 
 
 I fetched the goose-grease and went to sleep again: 
 Once more I was called : 
 
 "Mortimer, I so hate to disturb you, but the room is 
 too cold for me to try to apply this stuff. Would 
 you mind lighting the fire ? It is all ready to touch a 
 match to." 
 
 I dragged myself out and lit the fire, and then sat down 
 disconsolate. 
 
 "Mortimer, don t sit there and catch your death of cold. 
 Come to bed." 
 
 As I was stepping in, she said : 
 
 " But wait a moment. Please give the child some more 
 of the medicine." 
 
 Which I did. It was a medicine which made a child 
 more or less lively ; so my wife made use of its waking in 
 terval to strip it and grease it all over with goose-oil. I 
 was soon asleep once more, but once more I had to get up. 
 " Mortimer, I feel a draft I feel it distinctly. There 
 is nothing so bad for this disease as a draft. Please move 
 the crib in front of the fire." 
 
 I did it ; and collided with the rug again, which I threw 
 in the fire. Mrs. McWilliams sprang out of bed and res 
 cued it and we had some words. I had another trifling in 
 terval of sleep, and then got up, by request, and construct 
 ed a flax-seed porltice. This was placed upon the child s 
 breast and left there to do its healing work. 
 
 A wood fire is not a permanent thing. I got up every 
 twenty minutes and renewed ours, and this gave Mrs. Mc 
 the opportunity to shorten the times of giving 
 
60 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 the medicines by ten minutes, which was a great satisfac 
 tion to her. Now and then, between times, I reorganized 
 the flax-seed poultices, and applied sinapisms and other 
 sorts of blisters where unoccupied places could be found 
 upon the child. Well, toward morning the wood gave out 
 and my wife wanted me to go down cellar and get some 
 more. I said : 
 
 " My dear, it is a laborious job, and the child must be 
 nearly warm enough, with her extra clothing. Now 
 mightn t we put on another layer of poultices and " 
 
 I did not finish, because I was interrupted. I lugged 
 wood up from below for some little time, and then turned 
 in and fell to snoring as only a man can whose strength 
 is all gone and whose soul is worn out. Just at broad 
 daylight I felt a grip on niy shoulder that brought me to 
 my senses suddenly. My wife was glaring down upon me 
 and gasping. As soon as she could command her tongue 
 she said : 
 
 "It is all over ! All over ! The child s perspiring ! What 
 shall we do ?" 
 
 " Mercy, how you terrify me ! / don t know what we 
 ought to do. Maybe if we scraped her and put her in the 
 draft again " 
 
 " 0, idiot ! There is not a moment to lose ! Go for the 
 doctor. Go yourself. Tell him he must come, dead or 
 alive." 
 
 I dragged that poor sick man from his bed and brought 
 him. He looked at the child and said she was not dying. 
 This was joy unspeakable to me, but it made my wife as 
 
MEMBRANOUS CROUP. 61 
 
 mad as if he had offered her a personal affront. Then he 
 said the child s cough was only caused by some trifling 
 irritation or other in the throat. At this I thought my 
 wife had a mind to show him the door. Now the doctor 
 said he would make the child cough harder and dislodge 
 the trouble. So he gave her something that sent her into 
 a spasm of coughing, and presently up came a little wood 
 splinter or so. 
 
 " This child has no membranous croup," said he. " She 
 has been chewing a bit of pine shingle or something of the 
 kind, and got some little slivers in her throat. They 
 wont do her any hurt." 
 
 " No," said I, " I can well believe that. Indeed, the tur 
 pentine that is in them is very good for certain sorts of 
 diseases that are peculiar to children. My wife will tell 
 
 you so." 
 
 But she did not. She turned away in disdain and left 
 the room ; and since that time there is one episode in our 
 life which we never refer to. Hence the tide of our days 
 flows by in deep and untroubled serenity. 
 
 [Very few married men have such an experience as McWilliams and so 
 the author of this book thought that maybe the novelty of it would give it a 
 passing interest to the reader.] 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 SOME LEARNED FABLES, FOR GOOD OLD 
 BOYS AND GIRLS. 
 
 In Three Parts. 
 
 PART FIRST. 
 
 HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD SENT OUT A 
 SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION. 
 
 ONCE the creatures of the forest held a great convention 
 and appointed a commission consisting of the most 
 illustrious scientists among them to go forth, clear beyond 
 the forest and out into the unknown and unexplored world, 
 to verify the truth of the matters already taught in their 
 schools and colleges and also to make discoveries. It was 
 the most imposing enterprise of the kind the nation had 
 ever embarked in. True, the government had once sent 
 Dr. Bull Frog, with a picked crew, to hunt for a north 
 westerly passage through the swamp to the right-hand 
 corner of the wood, and had since sent out many expedi 
 tions to hunt for Dr. Bull Frog ; but they never could 
 find him, and so Government finally gave him up and en 
 nobled his mother to show its gratitude for the services 
 her son had rendered to science. And once Government 
 

 FABLES FOE GOOD OLD BOYS AND G1KLS. 63 
 
 sent Sir Grass Hopper to hunt for the sources of the rill 
 that emptied into the swamp ; and afterwards sent out 
 many expeditions to hunt for Sir Grass, and at last they 
 were successful they found his body, but if he had dis 
 covered the sources meantime, he did not let on. So 
 Government acted handsomely by deceased and many en 
 vied his funeral. 
 
 But these expeditions were trifles compared with the 
 present one ; for this one comprised among its servants 
 the very greatest among the learned ; and besides it was 
 to go to the utterly unvisited regions believed to lie 
 beyond the mighty forest as we have remarked before. 
 How the members were banqueted, and glorified, and talked 
 about! Everywhere that one of them showed himself, 
 straightway there was a crowd to gape and stare at him. 
 
 Finally they set off, and it was a sight to see the long 
 procession of dry-land Tortoises heavily laden with 
 savans, scientific instruments, Glow -Worms and Fire-Flies 
 for signal-service, provisions, Ants and Tumble-Bugs to 
 fetch and carry and delve, Spiders to carry the surveying 
 chain and do other engineering duty, and so forth and so 
 on ; and after the Tortoises came another long train of 
 iron-clads stately and spacious Mud Turtles for marine 
 transportation service ; and from every Tortoise and every 
 Turtle flaunted a flaming gladiolus or other splendid 
 banner; at the head of the column a great band of Bumble- 
 Bees, Mosquitoes, Katy-dids and Crickets discoursed mar 
 tial music; and the entire train was under the escort and 
 protection of twelve picked regiments of the Army Worm, 
 
64 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIK. 
 
 At the end of three weeks the expedition emerged from 
 the forest and looked upon the great Unknown World. 
 Their eyes were greeted with an impressive spectacle. A 
 vast level plain stretched before them, watered by a 
 sinuous stream; and beyond, there towered up against 
 the sky a long and lofty barrier of some kind, they did 
 not know what. The Tumble-Bug said he believed it was 
 simply land tilted up on its edge, because he knew he 
 could see trees on it. But Prof. Snail and the others said : 
 
 "You are hired to dig, sir that is all. We need your 
 muscle, not your brains. When we want your opinion on 
 scientific matters, we will hasten to let you know. Your 
 coolness is intolerable, too loafing about here meddling 
 with august matters of learning, when the other labourers 
 are pitching camp. Go along and help handle the baggage." 
 
 The Tumble-Bug turned on his heel uncrushed, un 
 abashed, observing to himself, " if it isn t land tilted up, 
 let me die the death of the unrighteous." 
 
 Professor Bull Frog, (nephew of the late explorer,) said 
 he believed the ridge was the wall that enclosed the earth. 
 He continued : 
 
 "Our fathers have left us much learning, but they had 
 not travelled far, and so we may count this a noble, new dis 
 covery. We are safe for renown, now, even though our 
 labours began and ended with this single achievement. I 
 wonder what this wall is built of ? Can it be fungus ? 
 Fungus is an honourable good thing to build a wall of." 
 
 Professor Snail adjusted his field -glass and examined 
 the rampart critically. Finally he said : 
 
FABLES FOE GOOD OLD BOYS A.ND G]RL8. 65 
 
 " The fact that it is not diaphanous, convinces me that 
 it is a dense vapour formed by the calorification of ascend 
 ing moisture dephlogisticated by refraction. A few en- 
 diometrical experiments would confirm this, but it is not 
 necessary. The thing is obvious." 
 
 So he shut up his glass and went into his shell to make a 
 note of the discovery of the world s end, and the nature of it. 
 
 "Profound mind !" said Professor Angle- Worm to Pro 
 fessor Field-Mouse ; "profound mind ! nothing can long 
 long remain a mysteiy to that august brain." 
 
 Night drew on apace, the sentinel crickets were posted, 
 the Glow- Worm and Fire-Fly lamps were lighted, and the 
 camp sang to silence and sleep. After breakfast in the 
 morning, the expedition moved on. About noon a great 
 avenue was reached, which had in it two endless parallel 
 bars of some kind of hard black substance, raised the height 
 of the tallest Bull Frog above the general level. The scien 
 tists climbed up on these and examined and tested them 
 in various ways. They walked along them for a great 
 distance, but found no end and no break in them. They 
 could arrive at no decision. There was nothing in the 
 records of science that mentioned anything of this kind. 
 But at last the bald and venerable geographer, Professor 
 Mud Turtle, a person who, born poor, and of a drudging 
 low family, had, by his own native force raised himself to 
 the headship of the geographers of his generation, said : 
 
 " My friends, we have indeed made a discovery here. 
 We have found in a palpable, compact and imperishable 
 state what the wisest of our fathers always regarded as a 
 
66 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 mere thing of imagination. Humble yourselves, my 
 friends, for we stand in a majestic presence. These are 
 parallels of latitude !" 
 
 Every heart and every head was bowed, so awful, so 
 sublime was the magnitude of the discovery. Many shed 
 tears. 
 
 The camp was pitched and the rest oi the day given 
 up to writing voluminous accounts of the marvel, and 
 correcting astronomical tables to fit it. Toward midnight 
 a demoniacal shriek was heard, then a clattering and 
 rumbling noise, and the next instant a vast terrific eye 
 shot by, with a long tail attached, and disappeared in the 
 gloom, still uttering triumphant shrieks. 
 
 The poor camp labourers were stricken to the heart with 
 fright, and stampeded for the high grass in a body. But 
 not the scientists. They had no superstitions. They 
 calmly proceeded to exchange theories. The ancient geo 
 grapher s opinion was asked. He went into his shell and 
 deliberated long and profoundly. When he came out at 
 last, they all knew by his worshipping countenance that he 
 brought light. Said he: 
 
 " Give thanks for this stupendous thing which we have 
 been permitted to witness. It is the Vernal Equinox !" 
 
 There was shoutings and great rejoicings. 
 
 " But," said the Angle- worm, uncoiling after reflection 
 " this is dead summer time." 
 
 "Very well," said the Turtle, "we are far from our 
 region ; the season differs with the difference of time be 
 tween the two points." 
 
FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 67 
 
 "Ah, true. True enough. But it is night. How 
 should the sun pass in the night ?" 
 
 " In these distant regions he doubtless passes always in 
 the night at this hour." 
 
 " Yes, doubtless that is true. But it being night, how 
 is it that we could see him ?" 
 
 " It is a great mystery. I grant that. But I am per 
 suaded that the humidity of the atmosphere in these re 
 mote regions is such that particles of daylight adhere to 
 the disk and it was by aid of these that we were enabled 
 to see the sun in the dark." 
 
 This was deemed satisfactory, and due entry was made 
 of the decision. 
 
 But about this moment those dreadful shriekings were 
 heard again; again the rumbling and thundering came 
 speeding up out of the night ; and once more a flaming 
 great eye flashed by and lost itself in gloom and distance. 
 
 The camp labourers gave themselves up for lost. The 
 savants were sorely perplexed. Here was a marvel hard to 
 account for. They thought and they talked, they talked 
 and they thought. Finally the learned and aged Lord 
 Grand-Daddy-Longlegs, who had been sitting, in deep 
 study, with his slender limbs crossed and his stemmy arms 
 folded, said: 
 
 " Deliver your opinions, brethren, and then I will tell 
 my thought for I think I have solved this problem." 
 
 " So be it, good your lordship," piped the weak treble 
 of the wrinkled and withered Professor Woodlouse, " for 
 we shall hear from your lordship s lips naught but wis- 
 
S8 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 doin." [Here the speaker threw in a mess of trite, thread 
 bare, exasperating quotations from the ancient poets and 
 philosophers, delivering them with unction in the sound 
 ing grandeurs of the original tongues, they being from 
 the Mastodon, the Dodo, and other dead languages]. 
 " Perhaps I ought not to presume to meddle with matters 
 pertaining to astronomy at all, in such a presence as this, 
 I who have made it the business of my life to delve only 
 among the riches of the extinct languages and unearth 
 the opulence of their ancient lore; but still, as unacquaint 
 ed as I am with the noble science of astronomy, I beg 
 with deference and humility to suggest that inasmuch as 
 the last of these wonderful apparitions proceeded in ex 
 actly the opposite direction from that pursued by the first, 
 which you decide to be the Vernal Equinox, and greatly 
 resembled it in all particulars, is it not possible, nay cer 
 tain, that fhis last is the Autumnal Equi " 
 
 ff O-o-o ! " " O-o-o ! go to bed ! go to bed ! " with an 
 noyed derision from everybody. So the poor old Wood- 
 louse retreated out of sight, consumed with shame. 
 
 Further discussion followed, and then the united voice 
 Df the commission begged Lord Longlegs to speak. He 
 said: 
 
 " Fellow-scientists, it is my belief that we have wit 
 nessed a thing which has occurred in perfection but once 
 before in the knowledge of created beings. It is a phen 
 omenon of inconceivable importance and interest, view it 
 as one may, but its interest to us is vastly heightened by 
 an added knowledge of its nature which no scholar has 
 
FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLf ft 
 
 heretofore possessed or even suspected. This great mar 
 vel which we have just witnessed, fellow-savants, (it 
 almost takes my breath away !) is nothing less than the 
 transit of Venus ! " 
 
 - Every scholar sprang to his feet pale with astonishment. 
 Then ensued tears, hand shakings, frenzied embraces, and 
 the most extravagant jubilations of every sort. But by 
 and by, as emotion began to retire within bounds, and 
 reflection to return to the front, the accomplished Chief 
 Inspector Lizard observed : 
 
 " But how is this ? Venus should traverse the sun s 
 surface, not the earth s." 
 
 The arrow went home. It carried sorrow to the breast 
 of every apostle of learning there, for none could deny 
 that this was a formidable criticism. But tranquilly the 
 venerable Duke crossed his limbs behind his ears and said : 
 
 " My friend has touched the marrow of our mighty dis 
 covery. Yes all that have lived before us thought a 
 transit of Venus consisted of a flight across the sun s face ; 
 they thought it, they maintained it, they honestly believed 
 it, simple hearts, and were justified in it by the limitations 
 of their knowledge ; but to us has been granted the in 
 estimable boon of proving that the transit occurs across 
 the earth s face, for we have SEEN it ! " 
 
 The assembled wisdom sat in speechless adoration of 
 this imperial intellect. All doubts had instantly departed, 
 like night before the lightning. 
 
 x The Tumble-Bug had just intruded, unnoticed. He 
 now came reeling forward among the scholars, familiarly 
 
70 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 slapping first one and then another on the shoulder, saying 
 " Nice ( ic !) nice old boy ! " and smiling a smile of elabo 
 rate content. Arrived at a good position for speaking, he 
 put his left arm akimbo with his knuckles planted in his 
 hip just under the edge of his cut-away coat, bent his 
 , right leg, placing his toe on the ground and resting his 
 \ heel with easy grace against his left shin, puffed out his 
 | aldermanic stomach, opened his lips, leaned his right 
 elbow on Inspector Lizard s shoulder, 
 
 But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the 
 
 hard-handed son of toil went to earth. He floundered a 
 
 t bit but came up smiling, arranged his attitude with the 
 
 same careful detail as before, only choosing Processor 
 
 Dogtick s shoulder for a support, opened his lips and 
 
 Went to earth again. He presently scrambled up once 
 more, still smiling, made a loose effort to brush the dust 
 off his coat and legs, but a smart pass of his hand missed 
 entirely and the force ef the unchecked impulse slewed 
 him suddenly around, twisted his legs together, and pro 
 jected him limber and sprawling, into the lap of the Lord 
 Longlegs. Two or three scholars sprang forward, flung 
 the low creature head over heels into a corner and rein 
 stated the patrician, smoothing his ruffled dignity with 
 many soothing and regretful speeches. Professor Bull 
 Frog roared out : 
 
 " No more of this, sirrah Tumble-Bug ! Say your say 
 and then get you about your business with speed ! Quick, 
 what is your errand ? Come move off a trifle ; you smell 
 like a stable ; what have you been at ? " 
 
FABLES FOB GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 71 
 
 " Please ( ic !) please your worship I chanced to light 
 upon a find. But no m (e-uck !) matter bout that. 
 There s b ( ic !) been another find which beg pardon 
 yer honours, what was that th ( ic !) thing that ripped 
 by here first ? " 
 
 " It was the Vernal Equinox." 
 
 "Inf ( ic!) fernal equinox. At s all right D ( ic!) 
 Dunno him. What s other one ? " 
 
 " The transit of Venus." 
 
 " G ( ic !) Got me again. No matter. Las one dropped 
 something." 
 
 "Ah, indeed! Good luck! Good news! Quick what 
 
 *J- " 
 
 IS it? 
 
 " M ( ic ! ) Mosey out n see. It ll pay." 
 No more votes were taken for four and twenty hours. 
 Then the following entry was made : 
 
 " The commission went in a body to view the find. It 
 was found to consist of a hard, smooth, huge object with 
 a rounded summit surmounted by a short upright projec- 
 tion resembling a section of a cabbage stalk divided trans 
 verselyThis projection was not solid, but was a hollow 
 cylinder plugged with a soft woody substance unknown 
 to our region that is, it had been so plugged, but unfor 
 tunately this obstruction had been heedlessly removed 
 by Norway Rat, Chief of the Sappers and Miners, before 
 our arrival. The vast object before us so mysteriously 
 conveyed from the glittering domains of space, was found 
 to be hollow and nearly filled with a pungent liquid of a 
 brownish hue, like rain-water that has stood for some 
 
2 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIK. 
 
 time. And such a spectacle as met our view ! Norway 
 Rat was perched upon the summit engaged in thrusting 
 his tail into the cylindrical projection, drawing it out 
 dripping, permitting the struggling multitude of labour 
 ers to suck the end of it, then straightway reinserting it 
 and delivering the fluid to the mob as before. Evidently 
 this liquor had strangely potent qualities ; for all that 
 partook of it were immediately exalted with great and 
 pleasurable emotions, and went staggering about singing 
 ribald songs, embracing, fighting, dancing, discharging 
 irruptions of profanity, and defying all authority. 
 Around us struggled a massed and uncontrolled mob 
 uncontrolled and likewise uncontrollable, for the whole 
 army, down to the very sentinels, were mad like the rest, 
 by reason of the drink. We were seized upon by these 
 reckless creatures, and within the hour, we, even we, were 
 undistinguishable from the rest the demoralization was 
 complete and universal. In time the camp wore itself 
 out with its orgies and sank into a siolid and pitiable 
 stupor, in whose mysterious bonds rank was forgotten and 
 strange bed-fellows made, our eyes, at the resurrection, 
 being blasted and our souls petrified with the incredible 
 spectacle of that intolerable stinking scavenger, the Tum 
 ble Bug, and the illustrious patrician my lord Grand 
 Daddy, Duke of Longlegs, lying soundly steeped in sleep 
 and clasped lovingly in each other s arms, the like where 
 of hath not been seen in all the ages that tradition com- 
 passeth, and doubtless none shall ever in this world find 
 faith to master the belief of it save only we that have 
 
FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 73 
 
 beheld the damnable and unholy vision. Thus inscrut 
 able be the ways of God, whose will be done. 
 
 " This day, by order, did the Engineer-in-Chief, Herr 
 Spider, rig the necessary tackle for the overturning of 
 the vast reservoir, and so its calamitous contents were 
 discharged in a torrent upon the thirsty earth, which 
 drank it up and now there is no more danger, we reserv 
 ing but a few drops for experiment and scrutiny, and to 
 exhibit to the king and subsequently preserve among the 
 wonders of the museum. What this liquid is has been 
 determined. It is without question that fierce and most 
 destructive fluid called lightning. It was wrested, in its 
 container, from its store-house in the clouds, by the re 
 sistless might of the flying planet, and hurled at our feet 
 as she sped by. An interesting discovery here results. 
 Which is, that lightning, kept to itself, is quiescent ; it is 
 the assaulting contact of the thunderbolt that releases it 
 from captivity, ignites its awful fires and so produces an 
 instantaneous combustion and explosion which spread 
 disaster and desolation far and wide in the earth." 
 
 After another day devoted to rest and recovery, the 
 expedition proceeded upon its way. Some days later it 
 went into camp in a veiy pleasant part of the plain, and 
 the savants sallied forth to see what they might find. 
 Their reward was at hand. Professor Bull Frog discov 
 ered a strange tree, and called his comrades. They in 
 spected it with profound interest. It was very tall and 
 straight, and wholly devoid of bark, limbs or foliage. By 
 triangulation Lord Longlegs determined its altitude ; Herr 
 
74 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Spider measured its circumference at the base and com 
 puted the circumference at its top by a mathematical 
 demonstration based upon the warrant furnished by the 
 uniform degree of its taper upward. It was considered a 
 very extraordinary find; and since it was a tree of a 
 hitherto unknown species, Professor Woodlouse gave it a 
 name of a learned sound, being none other than that of 
 Professor Bull Frog translated into the ancient Mastodon 
 language, for it had always been the custom with dis 
 coverers to perpetuate their names and honour themselves 
 by this sort of connection with their discoveries. 
 
 Now Professor Field-Mouse having placed his sensitive 
 ear to the tree, detected a rich harmonious sound issuing 
 from it. This surprising thing was tested and enjoyed by 
 each scholar in turn, and great was the gladness and 
 astonishment of all. Professor Woodlouse was requested 
 to add to and extend the tree s name so as to make it 
 suggest the musical quality it possessed which he did, 
 furnishing the addition Anthem Singer, done into the 
 Mastodon tongue. 
 
 By this time Professor Snail was making some tele 
 scopic inspections. He discovered a great number of these 
 trees, extending in a single rank, with wide intervals be 
 tween, as far as his instrument would carry, both south 
 ward and northward. He also presently discovered that 
 all these trees were bound together, near their tops, 
 by fourteen great ropes, one above another, which 
 ropes were continuous, from tree to tree, as far as his 
 vision could reach. This was surprising. Chief Engineer 
 
FABLES FOE GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 75 
 
 Spider ran aloft and soon reported that these ropes were 
 simply a web hung there by some colossal member of his 
 own species, for he could see its prey dangling here and 
 there from the strands, in the shape of mighty shreds and 
 rags that had a woven look about their texture and were 
 
 o 
 
 no doubt discarded skins of prodigious insects which had 
 been caught and eaten. And then he ran along one of 
 the ropes to make a closer inspection, but felt a smart 
 sudden burn on the soles of his feet, accompanied by a 
 paralyzing shock, wherefore he let go and swung himself 
 to the earth by a thread of his own spinning, and advised 
 all to hurry at once to camp, lest the monster should ap 
 pear and get as much interested in the savants as they were 
 in him and his works. So they departed with speed, 
 making notes about the gigantic web as they went. And 
 that evening the naturalist of the expedition built a 
 beautiful model of the colossal spider, having no need to 
 see it in order to do this, because he had picked up a 
 fragment of its vetebrse by the tree, and so knew exactly 
 what the creature looked like and what its habits and its 
 preferences were, by this simple evidence alone. He built 
 it with a tail, teeth, fourteen legs and a snout, and said it 
 ate grass, cattle, pebbles and dirt with equal enthusiasm. 
 This animal was regarded as a very precious addition to 
 science. It was hoped a dead one might be found, to 
 stuff. Professor Woodlouse thought that he and his 
 brother scholars, by lying hid and being quiet, might 
 maybe catch a live one. He was advised to try it. 
 Which was all the attention that was paid to his sugges- 
 
76 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 tion. The conference ended with the naming the monster 
 after the naturalist, since he, after God, had created it. 
 
 "And improved it, mayhap," muttered the Tumble- 
 Bug, who was intruding again, according to his idle cus 
 torn and his unappeasable curiosity. 
 
 END OF PAET FIRST. 
 
FABLES FOE GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIELS. 71 
 
 SOME FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS 
 AND GIKLS. 
 
 PAKT SECOND. 
 
 HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD COMPLETED THEIR 
 SCIENTIFIC LABOURS. 
 
 4 WEEK later the expedition camped in the midst of a 
 A collection of wonderful curiosities. These were a sort 
 of vast caverns of stone that rose singly and in bunches out 
 of the plain by the side of the river which they had first seen 
 when they emerged from the forest. These caverns stood 
 in long straight rows on opposite sides of broad aisles that 
 were bordered with single ranks of trees. The summit of 
 each cavern sloped sharply both ways. Several horizontal 
 rows of great square holes, obstructed bya thin, shiny, trans 
 parent substance, pierced the^rontage of each cavern. In 
 side were caverns within caverns ; and one might ascend and 
 visit these minor compartments by means of curious wind 
 ing ways consisting of continuous regular terraces raised 
 rne aboveanother. There were many huge shapeless objects 
 in each compartment which were considered to have been 
 living creatures at one time, though now the thin brown 
 
78 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 skin was shrunken and loose, and rattled when disturbed. 
 Spiders were here in great number, and their cobwebs, 
 stretched in all directions and wreathing the great skinny 
 dead together, were a pleasant spectacle, since they in 
 spired with life and wholesome cheer a scene which would 
 otherwise have brought to the mind only a sense of for 
 sakenness and desolation. Information was sought of these 
 spiders, but in vain. They were of a different nationality 
 from those with the expedition, and their language seemed 
 but a musical, meaningless jargon. They were a timid, 
 gentle race, but ignorant, and heathenish worshippers of 
 unknown gods. The expedition detailed a great detach 
 ment of missionaries to teach them the true religion, and 
 in a week s time a precious work had been wrought 
 among those darkened creatures, not three families being 
 by that time at peace with each other or having a settled 
 belief in any system of religion whatever. This encour 
 aged the expedition to establish a colony of missionaries 
 there permanently, that the work of grace might go on. 
 But let us not outrun our narrative. After close ex 
 amination of the fronts of the caverns, and much think 
 ing and exchanging of theories, the scientists determined 
 the nature of these singular "formations. They said that 
 each belonged mainly to the Old Red Sandstone period ; 
 that the cavern fronts rose in innumerable and wonder 
 fully regular strata high in the air, each stratum about 
 five frog-spans thick, and that in the present discovery 
 lay an overpowering refutation of all received geology; 
 for between every two layers of Old Red Sandstone re- 
 
FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIKLS. 79 
 
 posed a thin layer of decomposed limestone; so instead of 
 there having been but one Old Red Sandstone period there 
 had certainly been not less than a hundred and seventy- 
 five ! And by the same token it was plain that there had 
 also been a hundred and seventy-five floodings of the 
 earth and depositings of limestone strata ! The unavoid 
 able deduction from which pair of facts, was, the over 
 whelming truth that the world, instead of being only two 
 hundred thousand years old, was older by millions upon 
 millions of years ! And there was another curious thing : 
 every stratum of Old Ked Sandstone was pierced and 
 divided at mathematically regular intervals by vertical 
 strata of limestone. Up-shootings of igneous rock through 
 fractures in water formations were common; but here 
 was the first instance where water-formed rock had been 
 so projected. It was a great and noble discovery and its 
 value to science was considered to be inestimable. 
 
 A critical examination of some of the lower strata de 
 monstrated the presence of fossil ants and tumble-bugs, 
 (the latter accompanied by their peculiar goods), and with 
 high gratification the fact was enrolled upon the scientific 
 record; for this was proof that these vulgar labourers 
 belonged to the first and lowest orders of created beings, 
 though at the same time there was something repulsive 
 in the reflection that the perfect and exquisite creature 
 of the modern uppermost order owed its origin to such 
 ignominious beings through the mysterious law of Develop 
 ment of Species. 
 
 The Tumble-Bug, overhearing this discussion, said he 
 
& SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 was willing that the parvenus of these new times 
 should find what comfort they might in their wise-drawn 
 theories, since as far as he was concerned he was content 
 to be of the old first families and proud to point back 
 to his place among the old original aristocracy of the land. 
 " Enjoy your mushroom dignity, stinking of the varnish 
 of yesterday s veneering, since you like it," said he; 
 " suffice it for the Tumble-Bugs that they come of a race 
 that rolled their fragrant spheres down the solemn aisles 
 of antiquity, and left their imperishable works embalmed 
 in the Old Red Sandstone to proclaim it to the wasting 
 centuris as they file along the highway of Time I" 
 
 " 0, take a walk !" said the chief of the expedition, with 
 derision. 
 
 The summer passed, and winter approached. In and 
 about many of the caverns were what seemed to be in- 
 scriptions. Most of the scientists said they were inscrip 
 tions, a few said they were not. The chief philologist, 
 Professor Woodlouse, maintained that they were writings, 
 done in a character utterly unknown to scholars, and in a 
 language equally unknown. He had early ordered his 
 artists and draughtsmen to make fac-similes of all that 
 were discovered ; and had set himself about finding the 
 key to the hidden tongue. In this work he had followed 
 the method which had always been used by decipherers 
 previously. That is to say, he placed a number of copies 
 of inscriptions before him and studied them both collect 
 ively and in detail. To begin with, he placed the fol 
 lowing copies together : 
 

 won GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS 
 
 THE AMERICAN HOTJZL. MEALS AT ALL MOUBS. 
 
 THE SHADES. No SMOKING. 
 
 BOATS FOB HIRE CHEAP. UNION PRAYER, MEETING, 4 P. M. 
 
 BILLIARDS. THE WATERSIDE JOURNAL. 
 
 THE A 1 BARBER SHOP. TELEGRAPH OFFICE. 
 
 KEEP OFF THE GRASS. TRY BRANDRETH S PILLS. 
 
 COTTAGES FOR RENT DURING THE WATERING SEASON. 
 
 FOR SALE CHEAP. FOR SALE CHEAP. 
 
 FOR SALE CHEAP. FOR SALE CHEAP. 
 
 At first it seemed to the Professor that this was a sign- 
 language, and that each word was represented by a dis 
 tinct sign ; further examination convinced him that it was 
 a written language, and that every letter of its alphabet 
 was represented by a character of its own ; and finally, 
 he decided that it was a language which conveyed itself 
 partly by letters, and partly by signs or hieroglyphics. 
 
 He observed that certain inscriptions were met with in 
 greater frequency than others. Such as "FOR SALE 
 CHEAP;" "BILLIARDS;" "S. T. 1860 X;" KENO;" 
 " ALE ON DRAUGHT." Naturally, then, these must be re 
 ligious maxims. But this idea was cast aside, by and by 
 as the mystery of the strange alphabet began to cleai 
 itself. In time, the Professor was enabled to translate 
 several of the inscriptions with considerable plausibility. 
 though not to the perfect satisfaction of all the scholars, 
 Still, he made constant and encouraging progress. 
 
 Finally a cavern was discovered with these inscriptions 
 upon it : 
 
 WATERSIDE MUSEUM. 
 
 Open at all Hours. Admission 60 cents. 
 
 WONDERFUL COLLECTION OF WAX- WORKS, ANCIENT FOSSILS, Bra 
 
82 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Professor Woodlouse affirmed that the word " Museum " 
 was equivalent to the phrase " lungath molo" or " Burial- 
 Place." Upon entering, the scientists were well aston 
 ished. But what they saw may be best conveyed in the 
 language of their own official report : 
 
 "Erect, and in a row, were a sort of rigid great figures 
 which struck us instantly as belonging to the long extinct 
 species of reptile called MAN, described in our ancient 
 records. This was a peculiarly gratifying discovery, be 
 cause of late times it has become fashionable to regard 
 this creature as a myth and a superstition, a work of the 
 inventive imaginations of our remote ancestors. But 
 here, indeed, was Man, perfectly preserved, in a fossil 
 state. And this was his burial place, as already ascer 
 tained by the inscription. And now it began to be 
 suspected that the caverns we had been inspecting had 
 been his ancient haunts in that old time that he roamed 
 the earth for upon the breast of each of these tall fossils 
 was an inscription in the character heretofore noticed. 
 One read, CAPTAIN KIDD, THE PIRATE; another, QUEEN 
 VICTORIA; another, ABE LINCOLN; another, GEORGE 
 WASHINGTON, etc. 
 
 "With feverish interest we called for our ancient 
 scientific records to discover if perchance the description 
 of Man there set down would tally with the fossils before 
 us. Professor Woodlouse read it aloud in its quaint and 
 musty phraseology, to wit: 
 
 " In ye time of our fathers Man still walked ye earth, 
 as by tradition we know. It was a creature of exceeding 
 
FABLES FOB GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS 83 
 
 great size, being compassed about with a loose skin, some 
 times of one colour, sometimes of many, the which it was 
 able to cast at will; which being done, the hind legs were 
 discovered to be armed with short claws like to a mole s but 
 broader, and ye fore-legs with fingers of a curious slimness 
 and a length much more prodigious than a frog s, armed 
 also with broad talons for scratching in ye earth for its 
 food. It had a sort of feathers upon its head such as hath 
 a rat, but longer, and a beak suitable for seeking its food 
 by ye smell thereof. When it was stirred with happiness 
 it leaked water from its eyes; and when it suffered or was 
 sad, it manifested it with a horrible hellish cackling 
 clamour that was exceeding dreadful to hear and made one 
 long that it might rend itself and perish, and so end its 
 troubles. Two Mans being together, they uttered noises 
 at each other like to this: Haw-haw-haw dam good, 
 dam good, together with other sounds of more or less 
 likeness to these, wherefore ye poets conceived that they 
 talked, but poets be always ready to catch at any frantic 
 folly, God he knows. Sometimes this creature goeth about 
 with a long stick ye which it putteth to its face and bloweth 
 fire and smoke through ye same with a sudden and most 
 damnable bruit and noise that doth fright its prey to 
 death, and so seizeth it in its talons and walketh away to 
 its habitat, consumed with a most fierce and devilish joy. 
 "Now was the description set forth by our ancestors 
 wonderfully endorsed and confirmed by the fossils before 
 us, as shall be seen. The specimen marked Captain 
 Kidd was examined in detail. Upon its head and part 
 
 
84 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 of its face was a sort of fur like that upon the tail of a 
 horse. With great labour its loose skin was removed, 
 whereupon its body was discovered to be of a polished 
 white texture, thoroughly petrified. The straw it had 
 eaten, so many ages gone by, was still in its body, undi 
 gested and even in its legs. 
 
 "Surrounding these fossils were objects that would 
 mean nothing to the ignorant, but to the eye of science 
 they were a revelation. They laid bare the secrets of 
 dead ages. These musty Memorials told us when Man 
 
 o / 
 
 lived, and what were his habits. For here, side by side 
 with Man, were the evidences that he had lived in the 
 earliest ages of creation, the companion of the other low 
 orders of life that belonged to that forgotten time. Here 
 was the fossil nautilus that sailed the primeval seas; here 
 was the skeleton of the mastodon, the ichthyosaurus, the 
 cave bear, the prodigious elk. Here, also, were the charred 
 bones of some of these extinct animals and of the young 
 of Man s own species, split lengthwise, showing that to 
 his taste the marrow was a toothsome luxury. It was 
 plain that Man had robbed those bones of their contents, 
 since no tooth-mark of any beast was upon them albeit 
 the Tumble-Bug intruded the remark that no beast could 
 mark a bone with its teeth, anyway. Here were proofs 
 that Man had vague, grovelling notions of art ; for this fact 
 was conveyed by certain things marked with the untranslat 
 able words, TLINT HATCHETS, KNIVES, ARROW-HEADS, 
 AND BONE-ORNAMENTS OF PRIMEVAL MAN. Some of these 
 seemed to be rude weapons chipped out of flint, and in a 
 
FABLES FOB GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRIA Q 5 
 
 secret place was found some more in process of construc 
 tion, with this untranslatable legend on a thin flimsy 
 material, lying by : 
 
 1 Jones, if you don t want to be discharged from the 
 Musseum, make the next primeaveal weppons more care- 
 ul you couldn t even fool one of these sleapy old syen- 
 tiffic grannys from the Coledge with the last ones. And 
 mind you the animlesyou carved on some of the Bone Orna 
 ments is a blame sight too good for any primeaveal man 
 that was ever fooled. Varnum } Manager" 
 
 " Back of the burial place was a mass of ashes, showing 
 that Man always had a feast at a funeral else why 
 the ashes in such a place ? and showing, also, that he be 
 lieved in God and the immortality of the soul else why 
 these solemn ceremonies ? 
 
 "To sum up. We believe that Man had a written lan 
 guage. We know that he indeed existed at one time, and is 
 not a myth ; also, that he was the companion of the cave 
 bear, the mastodon, and other extinct species ; that he 
 cooked and ate them and likewise the young of his own 
 kind ; also, that he bore rude weapons, and knew some 
 thing of art ; that he imagined he had a soul, and pleased 
 himself with the fancy that it was immortal. But let us 
 not laugh ; there may be creatures in existence to whom we 
 and our vanities and profundities may seem as ludicrous." 
 
 END OF PAKT SECOND. 
 
86 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 SOME FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND 
 GIRLS. 
 
 PART THIRD 
 
 "VTEAR the margin of the great river the scientists present- 
 -L ^ ly found a huge, shapely stone, with this inscription : 
 
 " In 1847, in the spring, the river overflowed its banks 
 and covered the whole township. The depth was from two 
 to six feet. More tlian 900 head of cattle were lost, and 
 many homes destroyed. The Mayor ordered this mem 
 orial to be erected to perpetuate the event. God spare us 
 the repetition of it." 
 
 With infinite trouble, Professor Woodlouse succeeded 
 in making a translation of this inscription, which was 
 sent home and straightway an enormous excitement was 
 created about it. It confirmed, in a remarkable way, cer 
 tain treasured traditions of the ancients. The translation 
 was slightly marred by one or two untranslatable words, 
 but fchese did not impair the general clearness of the mean 
 ing. It is here presented : 
 
 "One thousand eight hundred and forty-seven years 
 ago, tJie (fires?) descended and consumed the whole city. 
 Only some nine hundred souls were saved, all others des- 
 
FABLES FOE GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 87 
 
 troyed. The (king ?) commanded this stone to be set up 
 to . . . . (untranslatable) .... prevent the repetition of it! 
 
 This was the first successful and satisfactory translation 
 that had been made of the mysterious character left be 
 hind him by extinct man, and it gave Professor Woodlouse 
 such reputation that at once every seat of learning in his 
 native land conferred a degree of the most illustrious 
 grade upon him, and it was believed that if he had been 
 a soldier and had turned his splendid talents to the exter 
 mination of a remote tribe of reptiles, the king would have 
 ennobled him and made him rich. And this, too, was the 
 origin of that school of scientists called Manologists, whose 
 specialty is the deciphering of the ancient records of the 
 extinct bird termed Man. [For it is now decided that 
 Man was a bird and not a reptile]. But Professor Wood- 
 louse began and remained chief of these, for it was 
 granted that no translations were ever so free from error 
 as his. Others made mistakes he seemed incapable of 
 it. Many a memorial of the lost race was afterward 
 found, but none ever attained to the renown and venera 
 tion achieved by the " Mayoritish Stone " it being so 
 called from the word " Mayor " in it, which, being trans 
 lated "King," "Mayoritish Stone" was but another way 
 of saying "King Stone." 
 
 Another time the expedition made a great " find." It 
 was a vast round flattish mass, ten frog-spans in diameter, 
 and five or six high. Professor Snail put on his spectacles 
 and examined it all around, and then climbed up and in 
 spected the top. He said : 
 
88 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN 
 
 " The result of my perlustration and perscontation of 
 this isoperimetrical protuberance is a belief that it is 
 one of those rare and wonderful creations left by 
 the Mound Builders. The fact that this one is lamelli- 
 branchiate in its formation, simply adds to its interest as 
 being possibly of a different kind from any we read of in 
 the records of science, but yet in no manner marring its 
 authenticity. Let the megalophonous grasshopper sound 
 a blast and summon hither the perfunctory and circum- 
 foraneous Tumble-Bug, to the end that excavations may 
 be made and learning gather new treasures." 
 
 Not a Tumble-Bug could be found on duty, so the 
 Mound was excavated by a working party of ants. 
 Nothing was discovered. This would have been a great 
 disappointment, had not the venerable Longlegs explained 
 the matter. He said : 
 
 "It is now plain to me that the mysterious and forgotten 
 race of Mound Builders did not always erect these edifices 
 as mausoleums, else in this case, as in all previous cases, 
 their skeletons would be found here, along with the rude 
 implements which the creatures used in life. Is not this 
 manifest ?" 
 
 "True ! true !" from everybody. 
 
 "Then we have made a discovery of peculiar value 
 here ; a discovery which greatly extends our knowledge 
 of this creature in place of diminishing it ; a discovery 
 which will add lustre to the achievements of this expedi 
 tion and win for us the commendations of scholars every 
 where. For the absence of the customary relics here 
 
FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 89 
 
 means nothing less than this: The Mound Builder, instead 
 of being the ignorant, savage reptile we have been taught 
 to consider him, was a creature of cultivation and high in 
 telligence, capable of not only appreciating worthy 
 achievements of the great and noble of his species, but of 
 commemorating them! Fellow -scholars, this stately 
 Mound is not a sepulchre, it is a monument !" 
 A profound impression was produced by this. 
 But it was interrupted by rude and derisive laughter 
 and the Tumble-Bug appeared. 
 
 "A monument!" quoth he. "A monument set up by a 
 Mound Builder ! Aye, so it is ! So it is, indeed, to the 
 shrewd keen eye of science; but to an ignorant poor 
 devil who has never seen a college, it is not a Monument, 
 strictly speaking, but is yet a most rich and noble pro 
 perty ; and with your worships good permission I will 
 proceed to manufacture it into spheres of exceeding grace 
 and" 
 
 The Tumble-Bug was driven away with stripes, and the 
 draughtsmen of the expedition were set to making views 
 of the Monument from different standpoints, while Pro 
 fessor Woodlouse, in a frenzy of scientific zeal, travelled 
 all over it and all around it hoping to find an inscription. 
 But if there had ever been one it had decayed or been 
 removed by some vandal as a relic. 
 
 The views having been completed, it was now consider 
 ed safe to load the precious Monument itself upon the 
 backs of four of the largest Tortoises and send it home 
 to the King s museum, which was done ; and when it ar- 
 
90 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 rived it was received with enormous eclat and escorted to 
 its future abiding-place by thousands of enthusiastic 
 citizens, King Bullfrog XVI, himself attending and con 
 descending to sit enthroned upon it throughout the progress. 
 
 The growing rigour of the weather was now admonish 
 ing the scientists to close their labours for the present, so 
 they made preparations to journey homeward. But even 
 their last day among the Caverns bore fruit ; for one of 
 the scholars found in an out-of-the-way corner of the 
 Museum or " Burial-Place" a most strange and extraordin 
 ary thing. It was nothing less than a double Man-Bird 
 lashed together breast to breast by a natural ligament, and 
 labelled with the untranslatable words, " Siamese Twins" 
 The official report concerning this thing closed thus : 
 
 " Wherefore it appears that there were in old times two 
 distinct species of this majestic fowl, the one being single 
 and the other double. Nature has a reason for all things. 
 It is plain to the eye of science that the Double-Man 
 originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded ; 
 hence he was paired together to the end that while one 
 part slept the other might watch ; and likewise that 
 danger being discovered, there might always be a double 
 instead of a single power to oppose it. All honour to the 
 mystery-dispelling eye of godlike science ! " 
 
 And near the Double Man-Bird was found what was 
 plainly an ancient record of his, marked upon numberless 
 sheets of a thin white substance and bound together. Al 
 most the first glance that Professor Woodlouse threw into 
 it revealed this following sentence, which he instantly 
 
FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS. 91 
 
 translated and laid before the scientists, in a tremble, and it 
 uplifted every soul therewith exultation and astonishment: 
 
 " In truth it is believed by many that the lower animals 
 reason and talk together" 
 
 When the great official report of the expedition appeared, 
 the above sentence bore this comment : 
 
 " Then there are lower animals than Man ! This remark 
 able passage can mean nothing else. Man himself is ex 
 tinct, but they may still exist. What can they be ? Where 
 do they inhabit ? One s enthusiasm bursts all bounds in 
 the contemplation of the brilliant field of discovery and 
 investigation here thrown open to science. We close our 
 labours with the humble prayer that your Majesty will 
 immediately appoint a commission and command it to rest 
 not nor spare expense until the search for this hitherto 
 unsuspected race of the creatures of God shall be crowned 
 with success." 
 
 The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long 
 absence and its faithful endeavours, and was received with 
 a mighty ovation by the whole grateful country. 
 
 There were vulgar, ignorant carpers, of course, as there 
 always are and always will be ; and naturally one of those 
 was the obscene Tumble-Bug. He said that all he had 
 learned by his travels was that science only needed a 
 spoonful of supposition to build a mountain of demon 
 strated fact out of ; and that for the future he meant to be 
 content with the knowledge that nature had made free to 
 &11 creatures and not go prying into the august secrets of 
 the Deity. 
 
 Q. 
 
92 SKETCHES fiT MARK TWAIN. 
 
 THE "JUMPING FROG." 
 
 IN ENGLISH. THEN IN FRENCH. THEN CLAWED BACK 
 INTO A CIVILIZED LANGUAGE ONCE MORE BY PATIENT, 
 UNREMUNERATED TOIL. 
 
 EVEN a criminal is entitled to fair play; and certainly 
 when a man who has done no harm has been unjustly 
 treated, he is privileged to do his best to right himself. 
 My attention has just been called to an article some three 
 years old in a French Magazine entitled " Revue des Deux 
 Mondes" (Review of some two worlds), wherein the 
 writer treats of "Les Humoristes Americanes" (These 
 Humourists Americans). I am one of these humourists 
 Americans dissected by him, and hence the complaint I 
 am making. 
 
 This gentleman s article is an able one (as articles go 
 in the French, where they always tangle up everything 
 to" that degree that when you start into a sentence you 
 never know whether you are going to come out alive or 
 not). It is a very good article, and the writer says all man 
 ner of kind and complimentary things about me for which 
 I am sure I thank him with all my heart ; but then why 
 should he go and spoil all his praise by one unlucky 
 experiment ? What I refer to is this : he says my Jump- 
 
THE JUMPING FROG. 93 
 
 ing Frog is a funny story, but still he can fr see why it 
 should ever really convulse any one with laughter and 
 straightway proceeds to translate it into French in ordei 
 to prove to his nation that there is nothing so very ex 
 travagantly funny about it. Just there is where my 
 complaint originates. He has not translated it at all ; he 
 has simply mixed it all up ; it is no more like the Jump 
 ing Frog when he gets through with it than I am like a 
 meridian of longitude. But my mere assertion is not 
 proof ; wherefore I print the French version, that all may 
 see that I do not speak falsely; furthermore, in order 
 that even the unlettered may know my injury and give 
 me their compassion, I have been at infinite pains and 
 trouble to re-translate this French version back into Eng 
 lish ; and to tell the truth I have well nigh worn myself 
 out at it, having scarcely rested from my work during 
 five days and nights. I cannot speak the French lan 
 guage, but I can translate very well, though not fast, I 
 being self-educated. I ask the reader to run his eye 
 over the original English version of the Jumping Frog, 
 and then read the French or my re-translation, and kind 
 ly take notice how the Frenchman has riddled the gram 
 mar. I think it is the worst I ever saw ; and yet the 
 French are called a polished nation. If I had a boy that 
 put sentences together as they do, I would polish him to 
 some purpose. Without further introduction, the Jump 
 ing Frog, as I originally wrote it, was as follows [after 
 it will be found the French version, and after the latter 
 my re-translation from the French]: 
 
$i jKJB/rCHES BY MARK TWAIN, 
 
 THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVEEAS* COUNTY. 
 
 In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from 
 the^ast, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and in 
 quired after my friend s friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to do, 
 and I hereunto append the result. I have a lurking suspicion that Leonidas 
 TF. Smiley is & myth ; that my friend never knew such a personage ; and 
 that he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him, it would 
 remind him of his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would go to work and bore 
 me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of him as long and as 
 tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was the design it succeeded. 
 
 I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the bar-room stove of 
 the dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Engel s, and I noticed 
 that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentle 
 ness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up and gave 
 me good-day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to make 
 some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named Leonidas 
 W. Smiley Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, a young minister of the Gospel, who 
 he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel s Camp. I added that if 
 Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, 
 I would feel under many obligations to him. 
 
 Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his 
 chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which fol 
 lows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never chang 
 ed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned his initial sen 
 tence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiam ; but all 
 through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnest 
 ness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that, so far from his imagining 
 that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it 
 as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of trans- 
 cendant genius in finesse. I let him go on in his own way, and never inter 
 rupted him once. 
 
 "Rev. Leonidas W. H m, Reverend Le well, there was a feller here 
 once by the name of Jim Smiley, in the winter of 49 or maybe it was the 
 spring of 501 don t recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes me 
 think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume warn t 
 finished when he first come to the camp ; but any way he was the curiosast 
 man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever see, if he 
 could get anybody to bet on the other side ; and if he couldn t he d change 
 
 Pronounced Cal-e-va-raa. 
 
THE JUMPING FROQ. 95 
 
 sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit kirn any way just 
 so s he got a bet, he was satisfied. But still he was lucky, uncommon lucky; 
 he most always come out winner. He was always ready and laying for a 
 chance ; there couldn t be no solit ry thing mentioned but that feller d offer 
 to bet on it, and take ary side you please as I was just telling you. If there 
 was a horse-race, you d find him flush or you d find him busted at the end of 
 it ; if there was a dog-fight, he d bet on it ; if there was a cat-fight he d bet 
 on it; if there was a chicken-fight he d bet on it; why, if there was two birds 
 sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first ; or if there 
 was a camp-meeting, he would be there reg lar to bet on Parson Walker, 
 which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he was too, and 
 a good man. If he even see a straddle-bug start to go anywheres, he would 
 bet you how long it would take him to get to to wherever he was going to, 
 and if you took him up he would f oiler that straddle-bug to Mexico but 
 what he would find out where he was bound for and how long he was on the 
 road. Lots of the boys here has seen that Smiley, and can tell you about 
 him. Why, it never made no difference to him he d bet on any thing the 
 dangdest feller. Parson Walker s wife laid very sick once, for a good while, 
 and it seemed as if they warn t going to save her; but one morning he come 
 in, and Smiley up and asked him how she was, and he said she was consider 
 able better thank the Lord for his inf nit mercy and coming on so smari 
 that with the blessing of Prov dence she d get well yet; and Smiley, before he 
 thought, says, "Well, I ll resk two-and-a-half she don t anyway." 
 
 Thish-yer Smiley had a mare the boys called her the fifteen minute nag, 
 but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster than 
 that and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was BO slow and 
 always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something 
 of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards start, and 
 then pass her under way; but always at the fag end of the race she d get 
 excited and desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling up and 
 scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, and sometimes 
 out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust and raising 
 m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose and 
 always fetch up at the stand just about a neck ahead, as near as you could 
 cipher it down. 
 
 And he had a little small bull-pup that to look at him you d think he warn t 
 worth a cent but to set. around and look ornery and lay for a chance to steal 
 something. But as soon as money was up on him he was a different dog ; 
 his under jaw began to stick out like the fo castle of a steamboat, and his teeth 
 would uncover and shine like the furnaces. And a dog might tackle him 
 and bullyrag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder two or 
 three times, and Andrew Jackson which was the name of the pup Andrew 
 Jackson would never let on but what he was satisfied, and hadn t expected 
 
96 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 nothing else and the bets being doubled and doubled on the other side all the 
 time, till the money was all up ; and then all of a sudden he would grab that 
 other dog jest by the j int of his hind leg and freeze to it not chaw, you under 
 stand, but only just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it waa 
 A year. Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a 
 dog once rfhat did nt have no hind legs, because they d been sawed off in a 
 circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the money 
 was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see in a minute 
 how he d been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in the door, so to 
 speak, and he peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged-like.and 
 didn t try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked out bad. He give 
 Smiley a look, as much as to say his heart was broke, and it was his fault, for 
 putting up a dog that hadn t no hind legs for him to take holt of, which waa 
 his main dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down 
 and died. It was a good pup was that Andrew Jackson, and would have 
 made a name for hisself if he d lived, for the stuff was in him and he had 
 genius I know it, because he hadn t^no opportunities to speak of, and it 
 don t stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could under 
 them circumstances if he hadn t na talent. It always makes me feel sorry 
 when I think of that last fight of his n, and the way it turned out. 
 
 Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and tom-cats 
 and all them kind of things, till you couldn t rest, and you couldn t fetch 
 nothing for him to bet on but he d match you. He ketched a frog one day, 
 and took him home, and said he cal lated to educate him; and so he never 
 done nothing for three months but set in his back yard and learn that frog 
 to jump. And you bet you he did learn him, too. He d give him a little 
 punch behind, and the next minute you d see that frog whirling in the air 
 like a doughnut see him turn one summerset, or maybe a couple, if he got 
 a good start, and come down flat-footed and all right, like a cat. He got 
 him up so in the matter of catching flies, and kep him in practice so constant, 
 that he d nail a fly every time as fur as he could see him. Smiley said all a 
 frog wanted was education and he could do most anything and I believe 
 him. Why, I ve seen him set Dan l Webster down here on this floor Dan l 
 Webster was the name of the frog and sing out, "Flies Dan l, flies ! " and 
 quicker n you could wink he d spring straight up and snake a fly off n the 
 counter there, and flop down on the floor ag in as solid as a gob of mud, and 
 fall to scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if 
 he hadn t no idea he d been doin any more n any frog might do. You never 
 see a frog so modest and straightfor ard as he was, for all he was so gifted. 
 And when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level, he could get 
 evermore ground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see. 
 Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand ; and when it 
 come.to that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red. 
 
THE JUMPING FKOG. W 
 
 Siniley was monstrous proud of his frog, and well he might be, for feller* 
 that had travelled and been everywhere, all said he laid over any frog that 
 ever they see. 
 
 Well, Smiley kep the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to fetch 
 him down town sometimes and lay for a bet. One day, a feller a stranger 
 in the camp, he was come acrost him with his box, and says : 
 "What might it be that you ve got in the box?" 
 
 And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It might be a parrot, or it might 
 be a canary, maybe, but it ain t it s only just a frog." 
 
 And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round this 
 way and that, and says, "H m so tis. Well, what s he good for ?" 
 
 "Well," Smiley, says, easy and careless, "he s good enough for one thing, 
 I should judge he can outjump any frog in Calaveras Bounty." 
 
 The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look, and 
 gave it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "I don t 
 see no p ints about that frog that s any better n any other frog." 
 
 "Maybe you don t," Smiley says. " Maybe r you understand frogs and 
 
 maybe you don t understand em ; maybe you ve had experience, and rnay- 
 
 be you ain t only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I ve got my opinion and 
 
 I ll resk forty dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calayeras county." 
 
 And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, " Well, I m 
 
 only a stranger here, and I aint got no frog ; but if I had a frog, I d bet you." 
 
 And then Smiley says, " That s all right that s all right if you ll hold 
 
 my box a minute, I ll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took the 
 
 box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley s, and set down to wait. 
 
 So he sat there a good while thinking and thinking to hisself, and then he 
 
 got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and filled 
 
 him full of quail shot filled him pretty near up to his chin and set him on 
 
 the floor. Srniley he went to the swamp and slopped around in the mud for 
 
 a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and fetched him in, and gave him 
 
 to this feller and says : 
 
 "Now, if you re ready, setjrim alongside of Dan l, with his fore-paws just 
 even with Danl s, and I ll give the word." Then he says, "One two 
 three git /" and him and the feller touched up the frogs from behind, and 
 the new frog hopped off lively, but Dan l gave a heave, and hysted up his 
 shoulders so like a Frenchman, but it warn t no use he couldn t budge ; 
 he was planted as solid as a church, and he couldn t no more stir than if he 
 was anchored out. Smiley was a good deal surprised, and he was disgusted 
 too, but he didn t have no idea what the matter was, of course. 
 
 The feller took the money and started away ; and when he was going out 
 at the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder so at Dan l, and 
 says again, very deliberate, "Well, "he says, "J don t see no p ints about 
 that frog that s any better n any other frog." 
 
98i SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Smiley he stood scratching hi* head and looking down at Danl a long 
 time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frogthrow d 
 off for I wonder if there aint something the matter with him he pears to 
 look mighty baggy, somehow." And he k etched Dan l by the nap of the 
 neck, and hefted him, and says, " Why, blame my cats if he don t weigh five 
 poxind !" and turned him upside down and he^belched out a double handful 
 of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the maddest man he set 
 the frog down and took out after that feller, but he never ketched him. 
 And " 
 
 [Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got 
 up to see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he 
 said : "Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy I ain t going to be 
 gone a second." 
 
 But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history of 
 the enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley would be likely to afford me much 
 information concerning the Kev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and so I started 
 away. 
 
 At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he button-holed me 
 and re-commenced : 
 
 "Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn t have no 
 tail, only jest a short stump like a bannanner, and 
 
 However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear about 
 the afflicted cow, but took iuy leave. 
 
 Now let the learned look upon this picture and say if 
 iconoclasm can further go : 
 
 [From the Revue des Deux Mondes, of July 15th, 1872.] 
 LA GKENOUILLE SANTEUSE DU COMTE DE CALAVERAS. 
 
 II y avait une fois ici un individu connu sous le nom de Jim Smiley : 
 c dtait dans 1 hiver de 49, peut-etre bien au printemps de 50, je ne me rap- 
 pelle pas exactement. Ce qui me fait croire que c dtait 1 un ou 1 autre, c est 
 que je me souviens que le grand bief n dtait pas achevd lorsqu il arriva au 
 camp pour la premidre fois, mais de toutes facons il e*tait 1 homme le lus 
 friand de paris qui se put voir, pariant sur tout ce qui se pr&antait, quand 
 fl pcravait trouver un adversaire, et, quand il n en trouvait pas il passa it dn 
 oAt4 oppose*. Tout ce que convenait a 1 autre lui convenait ; pounro qu il e&fc 
 
THE JUMPING FROQ. yy 
 
 un pari, Smiley e*tait satisfait. Et il avait une chance ! uue chance inouie : 
 presque toujours il gagnait. II faut dire qu il dtait toujours pr6t a s exposer, 
 qu on nepouvait mentionner la moindre chose sans que ce gaillard offrdt de 
 parier ladessus n importe quoi et de prendre le c6td que Ton voudrait, comme 
 je vous le disais tout a 1 heure. S il y avait des courses, vous le trouviez riche 
 ou ruind a la fin ; s il yavait un combat de chiens il apportait son enjue ; il Tap, 
 portait pour un combat de chats, pour un combat de coqs ; parbleu ! si 
 vous aviez vu deux oiseaux sur une haie, il vous aurait offert de parier le- 
 quel s envolerait le premier, et, s il y avait meeting au camp, il venait parier 
 rdgulierement pour le cure* Walker, qu il jugeat etre le meilleur prddicateur 
 des environs, et qui 1 dtait en effet, et en brave homme. II aurait rencon- 
 trd une punaise de bois en chemin, qu il aurait pane" sur le temps qu il lui 
 faudrait pour aller ou elle vaudrait aller, et, si vous 1 aviez pris au mot, il 
 aurait suivi la punaiso jusqu au Mexique, sans se soucier d aller si loin, ni du 
 temps qu il y perdrait. Une fois la femme du curd Walker fut trds malade 
 pendant longtemps, il semblait qu on ne la sauverait pas ; mais un matin 
 le curd arrive, et Smiley lui demande comment jjlle va, et il dit qu elle est 
 bien mieux, grace a 1 infinie misdricorde, tellement mieux qu avec la bdnd- 
 diction de la providence elle s en tirerait, et voila que, sans y penser, Smiley 
 rdpond : Eh bien ! je gage deux et demi qu elle mourra tout de m&ne. 
 
 " Ce Smiley avait une jument que les gars appelaient le bidet du quart 
 d heure, mais seulement pour plaisanter, vous comprenez, parce que, bien en- 
 tendu, elle dtait plus rite que 9a ! Et il avait coutume de gagner de Pargent 
 avec cette be te, quoiqu elle fut poussive, cornarde, toujours prise 
 d asthme, de coliques ou de consumption, ou de quelque chose d approch- 
 ant. On lui donnait 2 ou 300 yards au ddparfc, puis on la ddpassait sana 
 peine ; mais jamais a la fin elle ne manquait de s dchauffer, des exaspdrer, et 
 elle arrivait, s dcartant, se ddfendant, ses jambes greles en 1 air devant lea 
 obstacles, quelquefoia les dvitant et faisant avec cela plus de poussidre 
 qu aucun cheval, plus de bruit surtout avec ses dternumens et reniflemens, 
 crac 1 elle arrivait done toujours premiere d une tte, aussi juste qu on 
 peut le mesurer. Et il avait un petit bouledogue qui, a le voir, ne valait 
 pas un sue ; on aurait cru que parier centre lui c dtait voler, tant il dtait 
 ordinaire ; mais aussit6t leg enjeux faits, il devinait un autre chien. Sa 
 machoire infdrieure commen9ait a ressortir comme un gaillard d avant, ses 
 dentes se ddcouvraient brillantes comme des fournaises, et un chien pouvait 
 le ta quiner, 1 exciter, lo mordre, le Jeter deux ou trois fois par-dessus son 
 dpaule, Andrd Jackson, c dtait le nom du chien, Andrd Jackson prenait cela 
 tranquillement, comme s il ne se fut jamaia attendu a autre chose, et 
 quandles paris dtaient doublds et redoublds centre lui, il vous saisissatt 
 1 autre chien juste a 1 articulation de la jambe de derribre, et il ne la lachait 
 plus, non pas qu il la machat, vous concevez, maia il s y serait tenu pendu 
 jusqu a ce qu on jetat 1 eponge en 1 air, faliat-il attendre un an. Smiley 
 
TOO SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 gagnait lonjours avec cette b6te-la; malheureuaement ils ont fin! p 
 dresser un chien qui n avait pas de pattes de derriere, parce qu on les avail 
 sciees, et quand les choses furent au point qu il voulait, et qu il en vint a so 
 jeter BUT son morceau favori, le pauvre chien comprit en un instant qu on 
 s e tait moque* de lui, et que 1 autre le tenait. Vous n avez jamais vu personne 
 avoir 1 air plus penaud et plus de courage ; il ne fit aucun effort pour gagner le 
 combat et fut rudement second, de sorte que, regardant Smiley comme pour 
 lui dire: Mon cceur est brisd, c est ta faute; pourquoi m avoir livrd a un 
 chien qui n a pas de pattes de derridre, puisque c est par la que je les bats ? 
 il s en alia en clopinant, et se coticha pour mourir. Ah ! c dtait un bon chien, 
 cet Andre* Jackson, et il se serait fait un nom, s il avait vdcu, car il y avait 
 de 1 etoffe en lui, il avait du gdnie, je le sais, bien que de grandes occasions 
 lui aient manqud; mais il est impossible de supposer qu un chien capable de 
 se battre comme lui, certaines circonstances (Stant donndes, ait manque* de 
 talent. Je me sens triste toutes les fois que je pense a son dernier combat 
 et au ddnoument qu il a lu. Eh bien ! ce Smiley nourrissait des terriers a 
 rats, et des coqs de combftt, et des chats, et toute sorte de choses, au point 
 qu il dtait tou jours en mesure de vous tenir tSte, et qu avec sa rage de paria 
 on n avait plus de repos. II attrapa un jour une grenouille et 1 emporta chez 
 lui, disant qu il prdtendait faire son education; vous me croirez si vous voulez, 
 mais pendant trois inois il n a rien fait que lui apprendre a sauter dans une 
 cour retirde de sa maison. Et je vous re ponds qu il avait rdussi. II lai don. 
 nait un petit coup par derridre, et 1 instant d aprds vous voyiez la grenouille 
 tourner en 1 air comme un beignet au-dessus de la poSte, faire une culbute, 
 quelquefois deux, lorsqu elle dtait bein partie, et retomber sur ses pattes 
 comme un chat. II 1 avait dressde dans 1 art degoberdes mouches, dtl y exercait 
 continuellement, si bien qu une mouche, du plus loin qu elle apparaissait, 
 dtait une mouche perdue. Smiley avait contume de dire que tout ce qui 
 manquait a une grenouille, e dtait 1 dducation, qu avec 1 dducation elle pou- 
 vait faire presque tout, et je le crois. Tenez, je 1 ai vu poser Daniel Webster 
 Ik sur ce plancher. Daniel Webster dtait le nom de la grenouille, et lui 
 chanter: Des mouches ! Daniel, des mouches ! En un clin d oeil, Daniel 
 avait bondi et saisi une mouche ici sur le comptoir, puis saute de nouveau 
 par terre, ou il restait vraiment a se gratter la tete avec sa patte de derridre, 
 comme s il n avait pas eu la moindre idde de sa supdriorite. Jamais vous 
 n avez grenouille vu de aussi modeste, aussi naturelle, doude comme elle 
 1 dtait ! Et quand il s agissait de sauter purement et simplement sur terrain 
 plat, elle faisait plus de chemin en un saut qu aucune bete de son espece que 
 vous puissiez connaitre. Sauter a plat, c dtait son fort ! Quand il s agissait 
 de cela, Smiley entassait les enjeux sur elle tant qu il lui, restait un rouge 
 liard. II faut le reconnaitre, Smiley dtait monstrueusement fier de sa 
 tjrenouille, et il en avait le droit, car des gens qui avaient voyage", qui avaient 
 tout vu, disaient qu on lui ferait injure de la comparer a une autre; de fa?oo 
 
THE JUMPING FROG. 101 
 
 que Smiley gardait Daniel dans une petite bolte a claire-vole qu*il emporta 
 it parfois a la ville pour quelque pari. 
 
 " Un jour, un individu, Stranger au camp I arre ta avec sa bolte et lui dit: 
 Qu est-ce que vous avez done serr<$ la dedans ? 
 
 "Smiley dit d un air indifferent: Cela puorrait etre un perroquet ou un 
 serin, mais ce u est rien de pareil, ce n est qu une grenouille. 
 
 "L individu la prend, la regarde avec soin, la tourne d un c6td et de 1 au- 
 tre puss jl dit. Tiens ! en effet ! A quoi est-elle bonne ? 
 
 " Mon Dieu ! repond Smiley, toujours d un air de gage , elle eat bonne 
 pour une chose a mon avis, elle peut battre en sautant toute grenouille du 
 comtd de Calaveras. 
 
 "L individua reprend la boite, 1 examine de nouveau longuement, et la 
 rend a Smiley en disant d un air delibe re : Eh bien 1 je ne vois pas que cette 
 grenouille* ait rien de mieux qu aucune grenouille. 
 
 " Possible que vous ne le voyiez pas, dit Smiley, possible que vous vous 
 entendiez en grenouilles, possible que vous ne vous y entendez point, possible 
 que vous ayez de 1 experience, et possible que vous ne soyez qu un amateur. 
 De toute maniere, je parie quarante dollars qu elle battra en sautant n importe 
 qu elle grenouille du comte de Calaveras. 
 
 "L individu re fle chit une seconde et dit comme attriste": Je nesuis qu un 
 Stranger ici, je n ai pas de grenouille; mais, si j en avis une, je tiendrais le 
 pari. 
 
 "__F or t bien 1 re*pond Smiley. Rien de plus facile. Si vous voulez tenir 
 ma boite une minute, j irai vous chercher une grenouille. Voiladonc 1 indi- 
 vidu qui garde la boite, qui met ses quarante dollars sur ceux de Smiley et 
 qui attend. II attend assez longtemps, re fle chissant tout seul, et figurez-vous 
 qu il prend Daniel, lui ouvre la bouche de force et avec une cuiller a th 
 Pemplit de menu plomb de chasse, mais 1 emplit jusqu au menton, puis il le 
 pose par terre. Smiley pendant ce temps e"tait a barboter dans une mare. 
 Finalement il attrape une grenouille, 1 apporte a cet individu et dit: Main- 
 tenant, si vous etes pret, mattez-la tout centre Daniel, avec leurs pattes de 
 devant sur la meme ligne, et je donnerai le signal; puisilajoute: Un, deux, 
 rois, sautez ! 
 
 " Lui et 1 individu touch ent leurs grenouilles par derriere, et la grenouille 
 neuve se met & sautiller, mais Daniel se souleve lourdement, hausse les 
 e*paules ainsi, comme un Frainjais; a quoi bon? il ne pouvait bouger, il etait 
 plant^ solide comme une enclume, il n avan9ait pas puls que si on l e"ut mis 
 a 1 ancre. Smiley fut surpris et de"goute", mais il ne se doutait pas du tour, 
 bien entendu. L individu empoche Targent, s en va, et en s en allant est-c 
 qu il ne donne pas un coup de pouce par-dessus Id paule, comme fa, au pauvre 
 Daniel, en disant de son air delibe re: Eh bien! je ne vois pas que cr^a 
 grenouille ait rien de mieux qu une autre. 
 
 "Smiley se gratta longtempg la tete, les youx file s sur Daniel, jusqu fc of 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 qu enfin il dit: Je me demande comment diable il se fait que cette b6teait 
 refuse*. . .Est-ce qu elle aurait quelque chose?. . .On croirait qu elle estenflde. 
 
 "II empoigne Daniel par la peau du con, le souleve et dit: Le loup me 
 croque, s il ne pese pas cinq livres. 
 
 "H le retourne, et le malheureux crache deux poigne es de plomb. Quand 
 Smiley reconnut ce qui en dtait, il f ut comme fou. Vous le voyez d ici poser 
 sa grenouille par terre et courir aprfes cet individu, mais il ne le rattrapa 
 jamais, et. . ." 
 
 [Translation of tlie above lack from the French.] 
 
 THE FROG JUMPING OF THE COUNTY OF 
 CALAVERAS. 
 
 It there was one time here an individual known under 
 the name of Jim Smiley : it was in the winter of 49, 
 possibly well at the spring of 50, I no me recollect not 
 exactly. This which me makes to believe that it was the 
 one or the other, it is that I shall remember that the 
 grand flume is not achieved when he arrives at the camp 
 for the first time, but of all sides he was the man the most 
 fond of to bet which one have seen, betting upon ail that 
 which is presented, when he could find an adversary ; and 
 when he not of it could not, he passed to the side opposed. 
 All that which convenienced to the other, to him conven- 
 ienced also ; seeing that he had a bet, Smiley was satisfied. 
 And he had a chance ! a chance even worthless : nearly 
 always he gained. It must to say that he was always 
 near to himself expose, but one no could mention the 
 least thing without that this gaillard offered to bet the 
 
THE JUMPING FROG. 103 
 
 bottom, no matter what, and to take the side that one him 
 would, as I you it said all at the hour (tout a 1 heure). If 
 it there was of races, you him find rich or ruined at the 
 end ; if it there is a combat of dogs, he bring his bet ; he 
 himself laid always for a combat of cats, for a combat of 
 cocks ; by-blue ! if you have see two birds upon a fence, 
 he you should have offered of to bet which of those birds 
 shall fly the first ; and if there is meeting at the camp 
 (meeting au camp) he comes to bet regularly for the cure 
 Walker, which he judged to be the best predicator of the 
 neighborhood (predicateur des environs) and which he was 
 in effect, and a brave man. He would encounter a bug of 
 wood in the road, whom he will bet upon the time which he 
 shall take to go where she would go and if you him have 
 take at the word, he will follow the bug as far as Mexique, 
 without himself caring to go so far ; neither of the time 
 which he there lost. One time the woman of the cure 
 Walker is very sick during long time, it seemed that one not 
 her saved not ; but one morning the cure arrives, and Smiley 
 him demanded how she goes, and he said that she is well 
 better, grace to the infinite misery (lui demande comment 
 elle va, et il dit qu elle est bien mieux, grace a 1 infinit 
 miserieorde) so much better that with the benediction of 
 the Providence she herself of it would pull out (elle s en 
 tirerait) ; and behold that without there thinking Smiley 
 responds : " Well, I gage two-and-half that she will die 
 all of same." 
 
 Thi* Smiley had an animal which the boys called the 
 nag oi the quarter of hour, but solely for pleasantry, you 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 comprehend, because, well understand, she was more fast 
 as that ! [Now why that exclamation ? M. T.] And it 
 was custom of to gain of the silver with this beast, not 
 withstanding she was poussive, cornarde, always taken of 
 asthma, of colics, or of consumption, or something of ap 
 proaching. One him would give two or three hundred 
 yards at the departure, then one him passed without pain ; 
 but never at the last she not fail of herself echauffer, of 
 herself exasperate, and she arrives herself ecartant, se de 
 fendant, her legs greles in the air before the obstacles, 
 sometimes them elevating and making with this more of 
 dust tjhan any horse, more of noise above with his eternu- 
 mens and reniflemens crac ! she arrives then always first 
 by one head, as just as one can it measure. And he had 
 a small bull dog (boule dogue !) who, to him see, no value, 
 not a cent ; one would believe that to bet against him it 
 was to steal, so much he was ordinary ; but as soon as the 
 game made, she becomes another dog. Her jaw inferior 
 commence to project like a deck of before, his teeth them 
 selves discover brilliant like some furnaces, and a dog 
 could him tackle (le taquiner), him excite, him murder 
 (le mordre), him throw two or three times over his shoul 
 der, Andr6 Jackson this was the name of the dog 
 Andr6 Jackson takes that tranquilly, as if he not himself 
 was never expecting other thing, and when the bets were 
 doubled and redoubled against him, he you seize the other 
 dog just at the articulation of the leg of behind, and he 
 not it leave more, not that he it masticate, you conceive, 
 but he himself there shall be holding during until that 
 
THE JUMPING FROG. 105 
 
 one throws the sponge in the air, must he wait a year. 
 Smiley gained always with this beast-la ; unhappily they 
 have finished by elevating a dog who no had not of feet 
 of behind, because one them had sawed ; and when things 
 were at the point that he would, and that he came to 
 himself throw upon his morsel favourite, the poor dog com 
 prehended in an instant that he himself was deceived in 
 him, and that the other dog him had. You no have 
 never see person having the air more penaud and more 
 discouraged ; he not made no effort to gain the combat, 
 and was rudely shucked. 
 
 Eh bien! this Smiley nourished some terriers a rats, and 
 some cocks of combat, and some cats, and all sort of things ; 
 and with his rage of betting one no had more of repose. 
 He trapped one day a frog and him imported with him 
 (et 1 emporta chez lui) saying that he pretended to make 
 his education. You me believe if you will, but during 
 three months he not has nothing done but to him appre 
 hend to jump (apprendre a sauter) in a court retired of her 
 mansion (de sa maison). And I you respond that he have 
 succeeded. He him gives a small blow by behind, and 
 the instant after you shall see the frog turn in the air like 
 a grease-biscuit, make one summersault, sometimes two, 
 when she was well started, and refall upon his feet like a 
 cat. He him had accomplished in the art of to gobble the 
 flies (gober des mouches), and -him there exercised con 
 tinually so well that a fly at the most far that she ap 
 peared was a fly lost. Smiley had custom to say that all 
 which lacked to a frog it was the education, but with the 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN, 
 
 education she could do nearly all and I him believe. 
 Tenez, I him have seen pose Daniel Webster there upon 
 this plank Daniel Webster was the name of the frog 
 and to him sing, "Some flies, Daniel, some flies!" in a 
 flash of the eye Daniel had bounded and seized a 
 fly here upon the counter, then jumped anew at the earth, 
 where he rested truly to himself, scratch the head with his 
 behind-foot, as if he no had not the least idea of his 
 superiority. Never you not have seen frog as modest, as 
 natural, sweet as she was. And when he himself agitated 
 to jump purely and simply upon plain earth, she does 
 more ground in one jump than any beast of his species 
 than you can know. To jump plain this was his 
 strong. When he himself agitated for that, Smiley 
 multiplied the bets upon her as long as there to him re 
 mained a red. It must to know, Smiley was monstrously 
 proud of his frog, and he of it was right, for some men 
 who were travelled, who had all seen, said that they to 
 him would be injurious to him compare to another frog. 
 Smiley guarded Daniel in a little box latticed which he 
 carried bytimes to the village for some bet. 
 
 One day an individual stranger at the camp him ar 
 rested with his box and him said: 
 
 "What is this that you have then shut up there within?" 
 
 Smiley naid, with an air indifferent: 
 
 "That could be a paroquet, or a syringe (ou un serin), 
 but this no is nothing of such, it not is but a frog." 
 
 The individual it took, it regarded with care, it turned 
 from one side and from the other then he said: 
 
THE JUMPIft^ FROG. 107 
 
 "Tiens! in effect! At what is she good?" 
 
 " My God ! " respond Smiley, always with an air dis 
 engaged, " she is good for one thing, to my notice, (a moE 
 avis) she can batter in jumping (elle pent batter en 
 sautant) all frogs of the county of Calaveras." 
 
 The individual re-took the box, it examined of new 
 longly, and it rendered to Smiley in saying with an air 
 deliberate : 
 
 " Eh bien ! I no saw not that that frog had nothing of 
 better than each frog. (Je ne vois pas que cette gren- 
 ouille ait rien de mieux qu aucune grenouille). [If that 
 isn t grammar gone to seed, then I count myself no judge. 
 
 M. T.] 
 
 " Possible that you not it saw not," said Smiley, " possi 
 ble that you you comprehend frogs ; possible that you 
 not you there comprehend nothing ; possible that you had 
 of the experience and possible that you not be but an 
 amateur. Of all manner, (De toute maniere) I bet forty 
 dollars that she batter in jumping no matter which frog 
 of the county of Calaveras." 
 
 The individual reflected a second, and said like sad : 
 
 " I not am but a stranger here, I no have not a frog ; 
 but if I of it had one, I would embrace the bet." 
 
 " Strong well ! " respond Smiley ; " nothing of more 
 facility. If you will hold my box a minute, I go you to 
 search a frog (j irai vous chercher)." 
 
 Behold, then the individual, who guards the box, who 
 put his forty dollars upon those of Smiley, and who at 
 tends, (et qui attend). He attended enough longtimes 
 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 reflecting all solely. And figure you that he takes Daniel, 
 him opens the mouth by force and with a tea-spoon him 
 fills with shot of the hunt, even him fills just to the chin, 
 then he him puts by the earth. Smiley during these 
 times was at slopping in a swamp. Finally he trapped 
 (attrape) a frog, him carried to that individual, and said : 
 
 " Now if you be ready, put him all against Daniel, with 
 their bef ore-feet upon the same line, and I give the signal ; " 
 then he added : " One, two, three, advance !" 
 
 Him and the individual touched their frogs by behind, 
 and the frog new put to jump smartly, but Daniel him 
 self lifted ponderously, exalted the shoulders thus, like a 
 Frenchman to what good? he not could budge, he is 
 planted solid like a church, he not advance no more than 
 if one him had put at the anchor. 
 
 Smiley was surprised and disgusted, but he not him 
 self doubted not one of the turn being intended (mais il 
 ne se doutait pas du tour, bien entendu). The individual 
 empocketed the silver, himself with it went, and of it 
 himself in going is it that he no gives not a jerk of thumb 
 over the shoulder like that at the poor Daniel, in say 
 ing with his air deliberate (L individu empoche 1 argent, 
 s en va et en s en allant est ce qu il ne donne pas un coup 
 de pouce par-dessus 1 epaule, comme ca, au pauvre Daniel, 
 endisant de son air delibere) : 
 
 " Eh bien ! / no see not that that frog has nothing of 
 better than another" 
 
 Smiley himself scratched longtimes the head, the eyes 
 fixed upon Daniel, until that which at last he said : 
 
THE JUMPING FROG. 109 
 
 " I me demand how the devil it makes itself that this 
 beast has refused. Is it that she had something ? One 
 would believe that she is stuffed." 
 
 He grasped Daniel by the skin of the neck, him lifted 
 and said : 
 
 " The wolf me bite if he no weigh not five pounds." 
 
 He him reversed and the unhappy belched two hand- 
 fuls of shot (et le malhereus, etc). When Smiley recog 
 nized how it was, he was like mad. He deposited his 
 frog by the earth and ran after that individual, but he 
 not him caught never. 
 
 Such is the Jumping Frog, to the distorted French eye. 
 I claim that I never put together such an odious mixture 
 of bad grammar and delirium tremens in my life. And 
 what has a poor foreigner like me done, to be abused and 
 misrepresented like this ? When I say, " Well, I don t 
 see no p ints about that frog that s any better n any other 
 frog," is it kind, is it just, for this Frenchman to try to 
 make it appear that I said, " Eh bien ! I no saw not that 
 that frog had nothing of better than each frog ?" I have 
 no heart to write more. I never felt so about anything 
 before. 
 
SKETCHES 13^ MARK TWAIN. 
 
 MY WATCH. 
 
 AN INSTRUCTIVE LITTLE TALE. 
 
 MY beautiful new watch had run eighteen months with 
 out loosing or gaining, and without breaking any 
 part of its machinery or stopping. I had come to believe 
 it infallible in its judgments about the time of day, and to 
 consider its constitution and its anatomy imperishable. 
 But at last, one night, I let it run down. I grieved 
 about it as if it were a recognized messenger and forerun 
 ner of calamity. But by-and-by I cheered up, set the 
 watch by guess, and commanded my bodings and super 
 stitions to depart. Next day I stepped into the chief 
 jeweller s to set it by the exact time, and the head of the 
 establishment took it out of my hand and proceeded to 
 set it for me. Then he said, " She is four minutes slow 
 regulator wants pushing up." I tried to stop him tried 
 to make him understand that the watch kept perfect 
 time. But no; all this human cabbage could see was 
 that the watch was four minutes slow, and the regulator 
 must be pushed up a little; and so, while I danced 
 around him in anguish, and implored him to let the watch 
 alone, he calmly and cruelly did the shameful deed. My 
 
MY WATCH. Ill 
 
 watch began to gain* Tt gained faster and faster day by 
 day. Within the week it sickened to a raging fever, and 
 its pulse went up to a hundred and fifty in the shade. 
 At the end of two months it had left all the timepieces 
 of the town far in the rear, and was a fraction over thir 
 teen days ahead of the almanac. It was away into No 
 vember enjoying the snow, while the October leaves were 
 still turning. It hurried up house rent, bills payable, and 
 such things, in such a ruinous way that I could not abide 
 it. I took it to the watchmaker to be regulated. He 
 asked me if I had ever had it repaired. I said no; it had 
 never needed any repairing. He looked a look of vicious 
 happiness and eagerly pried the watch open, and then 
 put a small dice box into his eye and peered into its 
 machinery. He said it wanted cleaning and oiling, be 
 sides regulating come in a week. After being cleaned 
 and oiled, and regulated, my watch slowed down to that 
 degree that it ticked like a tolling bell. I began to be 
 left by trains, I failed all appointments, I got to missing 
 my dinner ; my watch strung out three days grace to 
 four and let me go to protest ; I gradually drifted back 
 into yesterday, then day before, then into last week, and 
 by-and-by the comprehension came upon me that all soli 
 tary and alone I was lingering along in week before last, and 
 the world was out of sight. I seemed to detect in myself 
 a sort of sneaking fellow-feeling for the mummy in the 
 museum, and a desire to swap news with him. I went to 
 a watchmaker again. He took the watch all to pieces 
 while I waited, and then said the barrel was " swelled." 
 
112 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 He said he could reduce it in three days. After this the 
 watch averaged well, but nothing more. For half a day 
 it would go like the very mischief, and keep up such a 
 barking and wheezing, and whooping and sneezing and 
 snorting, that I could not hear myself think for the dis 
 turbance ; and as long as it held out there was not a 
 watch in the land that stood any chance against it. But 
 the rest of the day it would keep on slowing down and 
 fooling along until all the clocks it had left behind caught 
 up again. So at last, at the end of twenty-four hours, it 
 would trot up to the judges stand all right and just in 
 time. It would show a fair and square average, and no 
 man could say it had done more or less than its duty. 
 But a correct average is only a mild virtue in a watch, 
 and I took this instrument to another watchmaker. He 
 said the kingbolt was broken. I said I was glad it was 
 nothing more serious. To tell the plain truth, I had no 
 idea what the kingbolt was, but I did not choose to ap 
 pear ignorant to a stranger. He repaired the kingbolt, 
 but what the watch gained in one way it lost in another. 
 It would run awhile and then stop awhile, and then run 
 awhile again, and so on, using its own discretion about 
 the intervals. And every time it went off it kicked back 
 like a musket. I padded my breast for a few days, but 
 finally took the watch to another watchmaker. He 
 picked it all to pieces, and turned the ruin over and over 
 under his glass ; and then he said there appeared to be 
 something the matter with the hair-trigger. He fixed it, 
 and gave it a fresh start. It did well now, except that 
 
MY WATCH. 113 
 
 always at ten minutes to ten the hands would shut to 
 gether like a pair of scissors, and from that time forth 
 they would travel together. The oldest man in the world 
 could not make head or tail of the time of day by such a 
 watch, and so I went again to have the thing repaired. 
 This person said that the crystal had got bent, and that 
 the main-spring was not straight. He also remarked that 
 part of the works needed half-soling. He made these 
 things all right, and then my timepiece performed unex- 
 ceptionably, save that now and then, after working along 
 quietly for nearly eight hours, everything inside would 
 let go all of a sudden and begin to buzz like a bee, and 
 the hands would straightway begin to spin round and 
 round so fast that their individuality was lost completely, 
 and they simply seemed a delicate spider s web over the 
 face of the watch. She would reel off the next twenty- 
 four hours in six or seven minutes, and then stop with a 
 bang. I went with a heavy heart to one more watch 
 maker, and looked on while he took her to pieces. Then 
 I prepared to cross-question him rigidly, for this thing 
 was getting serious. The watch had cost two hundred 
 dollars originally, and I seemed to have paid out two or 
 three thousand for repairs. While I waited and looked 
 on I presently recognized in this watchmaker an old 
 acquaintance a steamboat engineer of other days, and 
 not a good engineer either. He examined all the parts 
 carefully, just as the other watchmakers had done, and 
 then delivered his verdict with the same confidence of 
 manner. 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 He said 
 
 " She makes too much steam you want to hang the 
 monkey-wrench on the safety-valve !" 
 
 I brained him on the spot, and had him buried at my 
 own expense. 
 
 My uncle William (now deceased, alas !) used to say 
 that a good horse was a good horse until it had run 
 away. once, and that a good watch was a good watch until 
 the repairers got a chance at it. And he used to wonder 
 what became of all the unsuccessful tinkers, and gun 
 smiths, and shoemakers, and engineers, and blacksmiths ; 
 b\U nobody could ever tell him. 
 
POLITICAL ECONOMY. 1 15 
 
 POLITICAL ECONOMY. 
 
 T)OLITICAL ECONOMY is the basis of all good government. The 
 J_ wisest men of all ages have brought to bear upon this subject the 
 
 [Here I was interrupted and informed that a strangei 
 wished to see me down at the door. I went and con 
 fronted him, and asked to know his business, struggling 
 all the time to keep a tight rein on my seething political 
 economy ideas, and not let them break away from me or get 
 tangled in their harness. And privately I wished the 
 stranger was in the bottom of the canal with a cargo of 
 wheat on top of him. I was all in a fever, but he was 
 cool. He said he was sorry to disturb me, but as he was 
 passing he noticed that I needed some lightning-rods. I 
 said, "Yes, yes go on what about it ?" He said there 
 was nothing about it, in particular nothing except that 
 he would like to put them up for me. I am new to 
 housekeeping; have been used to hotels and boarding- 
 houses all my life. Like anybody else of similar experi 
 ence, I try to appear (to strangers) to be an old house 
 keeper ; consequently I said in an off-hand way that I 
 had been intending for some time to have six or eight 
 
 lightning-rods put up, but The stranger started, 
 
 and looked inquiriiigly at me, but I was serene. I 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 thought that if I chanced to make any mistakes, he 
 would not catch me by my countenance. He said he 
 would rather have my custom than any man s in town. 1 
 said, "All right," and started off to wrestle with my great 
 subject again, when he called me back and said it would 
 be necessary to know exactly how many "points" I want 
 ed put up, what parts of the house I wanted them on, 
 and what quality of rod I preferred! It was close quar 
 ters for a man not used to the exigencies of housekeeping; 
 but I went through creditably, and he probably never 
 suspected that I was a novice. I told him to put up 
 eight "points," and put them all on the roof, and use the 
 best quality of rod. He said he could furnish the " plain" 
 article at 20 cents a foot; "coppered," 25 cents; "zinc- 
 plated spiral-twist," at 30 cents, that would stop a streak 
 of lightning any time, no matter where it was bound, and 
 "render its errand harmless and its further progress 
 apocryphal." I said apocryphal was no slouch of a word, 
 emanating from the source it did, but, philology aside, 
 I liked the spiral-twist and would take that brand. Then 
 he said he could make two hundred and fifty feet answer; 
 but to do it right, and make the best job in town of it, 
 and attract the admiration of the just and the unjust 
 alike, and compel all parties to say they never saw a 
 more symmetrical and hypothetical display of lightning- 
 rods since they were born, he supposed he really couldn t 
 get along without four hundred, though he was not vin 
 dictive, and trusted he was willing to try. I said, go 
 ahead and use four hundred, and make any kind of a job 
 
POLITICAL ECONOMt. 117 
 
 he pleased out of it, but let me get back to my work. So 
 I got rid of him at last; and now, after half -an-hour spent 
 in getting my train of political economy thoughts coupled 
 together again, I am ready to go on once more.] 
 
 richest treasures of their genius, their experience of life, and their learning. 
 The great lights of commercial jurisprudence, international confratermty, 
 and biological deviation, of all ages, all civilizations, and aU nationalities, 
 from Zoroaster down to Horace Greeley, have 
 
 [Here I was interrupted again, and required to go down 
 and confer further with that lightning-rod man. I hur 
 ried off, boiling and surging with prodigious thoughts 
 wombed in words of such majesty that each one of them 
 was in itself a straggling procession of syllables that might 
 be fifteen minutes passing a given point, and once more I 
 confronted him he so calm and sweet, I so hot and fren 
 zied. He was standing in the contemplative attitude of 
 the Colossus of Rhodes, with one foot on my infant tube 
 rose, and the other among my pansies, his hands on his 
 hips, his hat-brim tilted forward, one eye shut and the 
 other gazing critically and admiringly in the direction of 
 my principal chimney. He said now there was a state of 
 things to make a man glad to be alive : and added, " I 
 leave it to you if you ever saw anything more deliriously 
 picturesque than eight lightning-rods on one chimney?" I 
 said I had no present recollection of anything that tran 
 scended it. He said that in his opinion nothing on earth 
 but Niagara Falls was superior to it in the way of natural 
 scenery. All that was needed now, he verily believed, 
 to make my house a perfect balm to the eye, was to kind of 
 
118 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 touch up the other chimneys a little, and thus "add to the 
 generous coup d ceil a soothing uniformity of achievement 
 which would allay the excitement naturally consequent 
 upon the first coup d etat." I asked him if he learned to 
 talk out of a book, and if I could borrow it anywhere < 
 He smiled pleasantly, and said that his manner of speak 
 ing was not taught in books, and that nothing but famili 
 arity with lightning could enable a man to handle his 
 conversational style with impunity. He then figured up 
 an estimate, and said that about eight more rods scattered 
 about my roof would about fix me right, and he guessed 
 five hundred feet of stuff would do it; and added that the 
 first eight had got a little the start of him, so to speak, 
 and used up a mere trifle of material more than he had 
 calculated on a hundred feet or along there. I said I 
 was in a dreadful hurry, and I wished we could get this 
 business permanently mapped out, so that I could go on 
 with my work. He said, "I could have put up those 
 eight rods, and marched off about my business some 
 men would have done it. But no : I said to myself, this 
 man is a stranger to me, and I will die before I ll wrong 
 him; there ain t lightning-rods enough on that house, 
 and for one I ll never stir out of my tracks till I ve done 
 as T would be done by, and told him so. Stranger, my 
 duty is accomplished ; if the recalcitrant and dephlogistic 
 messenger of heaven strikes your"- "There, now, 
 there," I said, " piafc on the other eight add five hundred 
 feet of spiral-twist do anything and everything you 
 want to do but calm your sufferings, and try to keep 
 
POLITICAL ECONOMY. 
 
 your feelings where you can reach them with the diction 
 ary. Meanwhile, if we understand each other now, I will 
 go to work again." 
 
 I think I have been sitting here a full hour, this time, 
 trying to get back to where I was when my train of thought 
 was broken up by the last interruption ; but I believe I 
 have accomplished it at last, and may venture to proceed 
 again.] 
 
 wrestled with this great subject, and the greatest among them have found 
 it is a worthy adversary, and one that always comes up fresh and smiling after 
 every throw. The great Confucius said that he would rather be a profound 
 political economist than chief of police. Cicero frequently said that politi- 
 <?al economy was the grandest consummation that the human mind was cap 
 able of consuming ; and even our own Greely has said vaguely but forcibly 
 that "Political 
 
 [Here the lightning-rod man sent up another call for 
 ine I went down in a state of mind bordering on im 
 patience. He said he would rather have died than inter 
 rupt me, but when he was employed to do a job, and that 
 job was expected to be done in a clean, workmanlike 
 manner, and when it was finished and fatigue urged him 
 to seek the rest and recreation he stood so much in need 
 of, and he was about to do it, but looked up and saw at a 
 glance that all the calculations had been a little out, and 
 if a thunder storm were to come up, and that house, which 
 he felt a personal interest in, stood there with nothing on 
 earth to protect it but sixteen lightning-rods " Let 
 us have peace!" I shrieked. "Put up a hundred and 
 fifty ! Put some on the kitchen ! Put a dozen on the 
 barn ! Put a couple on the cow ! Put one on the cook ! 
 
120 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 scatter them all over the persecuted place till it looks 
 like a zinc-plated, spiral-twisted, silver-mounted cane- 
 break! Move! Use up all the material you can get 
 your hands on, and when you run out of lightning-rods 
 put up ram-rods, cam-rods, stair-rods, piston-rods any- 
 iking that will pander to your dismal appetite for artificial 
 scenery, and bring respite to my raging brain, and heal 
 ing to my lacerated soul!" Wholly unmoved further 
 than to smile sweetly this iron being simply turned back 
 his wristbands daintily, and said, " He would now proceed 
 to hump himself." Well, all that was nearly three hours 
 ago. It is questionable whether I am calm enough yet 
 to write on the noble theme of political economy, but I 
 cannot resist the desire to try, for it is the one subject 
 that is nearest to my heart and dearest to my brain of all 
 this world s philosophy.] 
 
 " economy is Jieaven s betf boon to man" When the loose but gifted 
 
 Byron lay in his Venetian exile he observed that, if it could be granted him 
 to go back and live his misspent life over again, he would give his lucid and 
 unintoxicated intervals to the composition, not of frivolous rhymes, bufc of 
 essays upon political economy. Washington loved this exquisite science ; 
 such names as Baker, Beckwith, Judson, Smith, are imperishably linked 
 with it ; and even imperial Homer, in the ninth book of the Iliad, has 
 aid : 
 
 Fiat justitia, ruat coeluni, 
 
 Post mortem unum, ante bellum, 
 
 Hie jacet hoc, ex-parte res, 
 
 Politicum e-conomico est. 
 
 The grandeur of these conceptions of the old poet, together with the fe 
 licity of the wording which clothes them, and the sublimity of the imagery 
 whereby they are illustrated, have singled out that stanza, and make it more 
 celebrated than any that ever 
 
 ["Now, not a word out of you not a single word. 
 
POLITICAL ECONOMY. 121 
 
 Just state your bill and relapse into impenetrable silen 
 for ever and ever on these premises. Nine hundred dol 
 lars ? Is that all ? This cheque for the amount will be 
 honoured at any respectable bank in America. What is 
 that multitude of people gathered in the street for ? 
 How? looking at the lightning-rods! Bless my life, 
 did they never see any lightning-rods before ? Never saw 
 such a stack of them on one establishment, did I under 
 stand you to say ? I will step down and critically ob 
 serve this popular ebullition of ignorance."] 
 
 THREE DAYS LATER. We are all about worn out. For 
 four-and-twenty hours our bristling premises were the 
 talk and wonder of the town. The theatres languished, 
 for their happiest scenic inventions were tame and com 
 monplace compared with my lightning-rods. Our street 
 was blocked night and day with spectators, and among 
 them were many who came from the country to see. It 
 was a blessed relief on the second day, when a thunder 
 storm came up and the lightning began to " go for " my 
 house, as the historian Josephus quaintly phrases it. It 
 cleared the galleries, so to speak. In five minutes there 
 was not a spectator within half a mile of my place ; but 
 all the high houses about that distance away were full, 
 windows, roof, and all. And well they might be, for all 
 the falling stars and Fourth-of- July fireworks of a gener 
 ation, put together and rained down simultaneously out 
 of heaven in one brilliant shower upon one helpless roof, 
 would not have any advantage of the pyrotechnic display 
 
122 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 that was making my house so magnificently conspicuous 
 in the general gloom of the storm. By actual count, the 
 lightning struck at my establishment seven hundred and 
 sixty-four times in forty minutes, but tripped on one of 
 those faithful rods every time, and slid down the spiral 
 twist and shot into the earth before it probably had time 
 to be surprised at the way the thing was done. And 
 through all that bombardment only one patch of slates 
 was ripped up, and that was because, for a single instant, 
 the rods in the vicinity were transporting all the lightning 
 they could possibly accommodate. Well, nothing was 
 ever seen like it since the world began. For one whole 
 day and night not a member of my family stuck his head 
 out of the window but he got the hair snatched off it as 
 smooth as a billiard-ball; and if the reader will believe 
 me, not one of us ever dreamt of stirring abroad. But at 
 last the awful siege came to an end because there was 
 absolutely no more electricity left in the clouds above us 
 within grappling distance of my insatiable rods. Then I 
 sallied forth, and gathered daring workmen together, and 
 not a bite or a nap did we take till the premises were 
 utterly stripped of all their terrific armament except just 
 three rods on the house, one on the kitchen, and one on 
 the barn and behold these remain there even unto this 
 day. And then, and not till then, the people ventured to 
 use our street again. I will remark here, in passing, that 
 during that fearful time I did not continue my essay upon 
 political economy. I am not even yet settled enough in 
 nerve and brain to resume it. 
 
POLITICAL ECONOMY. 123 
 
 To WHOM IT MAT CONCERN. Parties having need of 
 three thousand two hundred and eleven feet of best 
 quality zinc-plated spiral-twist lightning-rod stuff, and 
 sixteen hundred and thirty-one silver-tipped points, all in 
 tolerable repair (and, although much worn by use, still 
 equal to any ordinary emergency), can Lear of a bargain 
 W addressing the publisher. 
 
SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 JOURNALISM IN TENNESSEE. 
 
 The editor of the Memphis Avalanche swoops thus mildly down upon 
 correspondent who posted him as a Radical: While he was writing the 
 first word, the middle, dotting his i s, crossing his t s, and punching his 
 period, he knew he was concocting a sentence that was saturated with in 
 famy and reeking with falsehood." Exchange. 
 
 I WAS told by the physician that a Southern climate 
 would improve my health, and so I went down to Ten 
 nessee, and got a berth on the Morning Glory and Johnson 
 County War- Whoop as associate editor. When I went 
 on duty I found the chief editor sitting tilted back in a 
 three-legged chair with his feet on a pine table. There 
 was another pine table in the room and another afflicted 
 chair, and both were half buried under newspapers and 
 scraps and sheets of manuscript. There was a wooden 
 box of sand, sprinkled with cigar stubs and "old soldiers," 
 and a stove with a door hanging by its upper hinge. The 
 chief editor had a long-tailed black cloth frock coat on, 
 and white linen pants. His boots were small and neatly 
 blacked. He wore a ruffled shirt, a large seal ring, a 
 standing collar of obsolete pattern, and a chequered 
 neckerchief with the ends hanging down. Date of cos 
 tume about 1848. He was smoking a cigar, and trying 
 
JOURNALISM IN TENNESEE. 125 
 
 to think of a word, and in pawing his hair he had rumpl 
 ed his locks a good deal. He was scowling fearfully, and 
 I judged that he was concocting a particularly knotty 
 editorial. He told me to take the exchanges and skim 
 through them and write up the "Spirit of the Tennessee 
 Press," condensing into the article all of their contents 
 that seemed of interest. 
 I wrote as follows : 
 
 "SPIRIT OF THE TENNESSEE PRESS. 
 
 "The editors of the Semi-WeeUy Earthquake evidently labour under a 
 misapprehension with regard to the Ballyhack railroad. It is not the object 
 of the company to leave Buzzardville off to one Bide. On the contrary, they 
 consider it one of the most important points along the line, and consequently 
 can have no desire to slight it. The gentlemen of the Earthquake will, of 
 course, take pleasure in making the correction. 
 
 "John W. Blossom, Esq., the able editor of the Higginsville Thunderbolt 
 and Battle Cry of Freedom, arrived in the city yesterday. He is stopping at 
 the Van Biiren House. 
 
 "We observe that our contemporary of the Mud Springs Morning Howl, 
 has fallen into the error of supposing that the election of Van Werter is not 
 an established fact, but he will have discovered his mistake before this re 
 minder reaches him, no doubt. He was doubtless misled by incomplete 
 election returns. 
 
 " It is pleasant to note that the city of Blathersville is endeavouring to 
 contract with some -New York gentleman to pave its well-nigh impassable 
 streets with the Nicholson pavement. The Daily ffurrahurges the measure 
 with ability, and seems confident of ultimate success." 
 
 I passed my manuscript over to the chief editor for 
 acceptance, alteration, or destruction. He glanced at it 
 and his face clouded. He ran his eye down the pages, 
 and his countenance grow portentous. It was easy to see 
 that something was wrong. Presently he sprang up and 
 said 
 
 " Thunder and lightning ! Do you suppose I am going 
 
126 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 to speak of those cattle that way ? Do you suppose 
 my subscribers are going to stand such gruel as that. 
 Give me the pen !" 
 
 I never saw a pen scrape and scratch its way so vicious 
 ly, or plough through another man s verbs and adjectives 
 so relentlessly. While he was in the midst of his work, 
 somebody shot at him through the open window, and 
 marred the symmetry of my ear. 
 
 " Ah," said he, " that is that scoundrel Smith, of the 
 Moral Volcano he was due yesterday." And he snatch 
 ed a navy revolver from his belt and fired. Smith dropped 
 shot in the thigh. The shot spoiled Smith s aim, who was 
 just taking a second chance, and he crippled a stranger. It 
 was me. Merely a finger shot off. 
 
 Then the chief editor went on with his erasures and in 
 terlineations. Just as he finished them a hand-grenade 
 came down the stove-pipe, and the explosion shivered the 
 stove into a thousand fragments. However it did no fur 
 ther damage, except that a vagrant piece knocked a couple 
 of my teeth out. 
 
 " That stove is utterly ruined," said the chief editor. 
 
 I said I believed it was. 
 
 "Well, no matter don t wan t it this kind of weather. 
 I know the man that did it. I ll get him. Now, here is 
 the way this stuff ought to be written." 
 
 I took the manuscript. It was scarred with erasures 
 and interlineations till its mother wouldn t have known it 
 if it had had one. It now read as follows : 
 
JOURNALISM IN TENNESEE. 127 
 
 "SPIRIT OF THE TENNESSEE PRESS. 
 
 "The inveterate liars of the Semi- Weekly Earthquake are evidently en 
 deavouring to palm off upon a noble and chivalrous people another of their 
 vile and brutal falsehoods with regard to that most glorious conception of 
 the nineteenth century, the Ballyhack railroad. The idea that Buzzardville 
 was to be left off at one side originated in their own fulsome brains or 
 rather in the settlings which they regard as brains. They had better swallow 
 this lie if they want to save their abandoned reptile carcasses the cowhiding 
 they so richly deserve. 
 
 "That ass, Blossom, of the Higginsville Thunderbolt and Battle Cry of 
 Freedom, is down here again sponging at the Van Buren. 
 
 " We observe that the besotted blackguard of the Mud Spring Morning 
 Howl is giving out, with his usual propensity for lying, that Van Werter is 
 not elected. The heaven-born mission of journalism is to disseminate truth ; 
 to eradicate error ; to educate, refine and elevate the tone of public morals 
 and manners, and make all men more gentle, more virtuous, more charitable, 
 and in all ways better, and holier, and happier ; and yet this black-hearted 
 scoundrel degrades his great office persistently to the dissemination of false 
 hood, calumny, vituperation, and vulgarity. 
 
 " Blathers ville wants a Nicholson pavement it wants a jail and a poor- 
 house more. The idea of a pavement in a one-horse town composed of two 
 gin mills, a blacksmith s shop, and that mustard-plaster of a newspaper, the 
 Daily Hurrah I The crawling insect, Buckner, who edits the Hurrah, is 
 braying about this business with his customary imbecility, and imagining 
 that he is talking sense." 
 
 "Now that is the way to write peppery and to the 
 point. Mush-and-milk journalism gives me the fan-tods." 
 
 About this time a brick came through the window with 
 a splintering crash, and gave me a considerable of a jolt 
 in the back. I moved out of range I began to feel in 
 the way. 
 
 The chief said, " That was the Colonel, likely. I ve been 
 expecting him for two days. He will be up, now, right 
 away." 
 
 He was correct. The Colonel appeared in the door a 
 moment afterward with a dragoon revolver in his hand. 
 
 --. : 
 
128 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 He said, " Sir, have I the honour of addressing the pol 
 troon who edits this mangy sheet?" 
 
 " You have. Be seated, sir. Be careful of the chair, 
 one of" its legs is gone. I believe I have the honour of 
 addressing the putrid liar, Col. Blatherskite Tecumseh ?" 
 
 " Right, sir. I have a little account to settle with you. 
 If you are at leisure we will begin." 
 
 " I have an article on the Encouraging Progress of 
 Moral and Intellectual Development in America, to finish, 
 but there is no hurry. Begin." 
 
 Both pistols rang out their fierce clamour at the same 
 instant. The chief lost a lock of his hair, and the Colonel s 
 bullet ended its career in the fleshy part of my thigh. 
 
 The Colonel s left shoulder was clipped a little. They 
 fired again. Both missed their men this time, but I got 
 my share, a shot in the arm. At the third fire both 
 gentlemen were wounded slightly, and I had a knuckle 
 chipped. I then said I believed I would go out and take 
 a walk, as this was a private matter, and I had a delicacy 
 about participating in it further. But both gentleman 
 begged me to keep my seat, and assured me that I was 
 not in the way. 
 
 They then talked about the elections and the crops 
 while they reloaded, and I fell to tying up my wounds. 
 But presently they opened fire again with animation, and 
 every shot took effect but it is proper to remark that five 
 out of the six fell to my share. The sixth one mortally 
 wounded the Colonel, who remarked, with fine humour, 
 that he would have to say good moniiag now, as he had 
 
JOURNALISM IK TENNESEE. 129 
 
 business up town. He then enquired the way to the 
 undertaker s and left. 
 
 The chief turned to me and said, "I am expecting com 
 pany to dinner, and shall have to get ready. It will be a 
 favour to me if you will read proof and attend to the 
 customers." 
 
 I winced a little at the idea of attending to the cus 
 tomers, but I was too bewildered by the f usilade that was 
 still ringing in my ears to think of anything to say. 
 
 He continued, " Jones will be here at 3 cowhide him. 
 Gillespie will call earlier, perhaps throw him out of the 
 window. Ferguson will be along about 4 kill him. 
 That is all for to day, I believe. If you have any odd 
 time, you may write a blistering article on the police 
 give the Chief Inspector rats. The cowhides are under 
 the table; weapons in the drawer ammunition there in the 
 corner lint and bandages up there in the pigeon-holes. 
 In case of accident, go to Lancet, the surgeon, down-stairs. 
 He advertises we take it out in trade." 
 
 He was gone. I shuddered. At the end of the next 
 three hours I had been through perils so awful that all 
 peace of mind and all cheerfulness were gone from me. 
 Gillespie had called and thrown me out of the window. 
 Jones arrived promptly, and when I got ready to do the 
 Eowhiding he took the job off my hands. In an encounter 
 with a stranger, not in the bill of fare, I had lost my 
 scalp. Another stranger, by the name of Thompson, left 
 me a mere wreck and ruin of chaotic rags. And at last. 
 at bay in the corner, and beset by an infuriated mob 
 
130 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 of editors, blacklegs, politicians, and desperadoes, who 
 raved and swore and flourished their weapons about 
 my head till the air shimmered with glancing flashes of 
 steel, I was in the act of resigning my berth on the paper, 
 when the chief arrived, and with him a rabble of charmed 
 and enthusiastic friends. Then ensued a scene of riot and 
 carnage such as no human pen, or steel one either, could 
 describe. People were shot, probed, dismembered, blown 
 up, thrown out of the window. There was a brief tornado 
 of murky blasphemy, with a confused and frantic war- 
 dance glimmering through it, and then all was over. In 
 five minutes there was silence, and the gory chief and I 
 sat alone and surveyed the sanguinary ruin that strewed 
 the floor around us. 
 
 He said, "You ll like this place when you get used to it." 
 I said, " I ll have to get you to excuse me; I think may 
 be I might write to suit you after a while ; as soon as I 
 had had some practice and learned the language I am con 
 fident I could. But, to speak the plain truth, that sort of 
 energy of expression has its inconveniences, and a man is 
 liable to interruption. You see that yourself. Vigorous 
 writing is calculated to elevate the public, no doubt, but 
 then I do not like to attract so much attention as it calls 
 forth. I can t write with comfort when I am interrupted 
 so much as I have been to-day. I like this berth well 
 enough, but I don t like to be left here to wait on the 
 customers. The experiences are novel, I grant you, and 
 entertaining too, after a fashion, but they are not judici 
 ously distributed. A gentleman shoots at you through 
 

 JOURNALISM IN TENNESEE. 131 
 
 the window and cripples me ; a bomb-shell comes down 
 the stove-pipe for your gratification and sends the stove- 
 door down my throat ; a friend drops in to swap compli 
 ments with you, and freckles me with bullet-holes till my 
 skin won t hold my principles ; you go to dinner, and 
 Jones comes with his cowhide, Gillespie throws me out of 
 the window, Thompson tears all my clothes off ; and an 
 entire stranger takes my scalp with the easy freedom of 
 an old acquaintance ; and in less than five minutes all the 
 blackguards in the country arrive in their war-paint, and 
 proceed to scare the rest of me to death with their toma 
 hawks. Take it altogether, I never had such a spirited time 
 in all my life as I have had to-day. No ; I like you, and I 
 like your calm unruffled way of explaining things to the 
 customers, but you see I am not used to it. The Southern 
 heart is too impulsive ; Southern hospitality is too lavish 
 with the stranger. The paragraphs which I have written 
 to-day, and into whose cold sentences your masterly hand 
 has infused the fervent spirit of Tenneseean journalism, 
 will wake up another nest of hornets. All that mob of 
 editors will come and they will coine hungry, too, and 
 want somebody for breakfast. I shall have to bid you 
 adieu. I decline to be present at these festivities. I came 
 South for my health, I will go back on the same ermnd, 
 and suddenly. Tenneseean journalism is too stirring for 
 me." 
 
 After which we parted with mutual regret, and I took 
 apartments at the hospital. 
 
132 SKETCHES BY MABK TWAIN. 
 
 A. COUPLE OF POEMS BY TWAIN AND MOORE. 
 
 THOSE EVENING BELLS. 
 
 BY THOMAS MOOEK. 
 
 Those evening bells ! those eyening bells ! 
 How many a tale their music tells 
 Of youth, and home, and that sweet tims 
 When last I heard their soothing chime. 
 
 Those joyous hours are passed away ; 
 A.nd many a heart that then was gay, 
 VitMn the tomb now darkly dwells, 
 *nd hears no more those evening bells. 
 
 And so twiH be when I &m gone 
 That tuneful peal will still ring on ; 
 While other bards shall walk these dells, 
 And sing your praise, sweet evening bells. 
 
 THOSE ANNUAL BILLS. 
 
 BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 These annna bills ! these annual bills 1 
 How many a song their discord trills 
 Of "truck" consumed, enjoyed, forgot* 
 Since I was skinaod by last verofc lot. 
 
A COUPLE OS 1 POEMS, 
 
 Those joyed beans are passed away ; 
 Those onions blithe, where are they ! 
 Once loved, lost, mourned now vexing ILLS 
 Your shades troop back in annual bills I 
 
 And so twill be when I m aground-* 
 These yearly duns will still go round, 
 While other barda, with frantic quills, 
 Shall damn and damn these annual bills I 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 TO RAISE POULTRY. 
 
 Q ERIOUSLY, from early youth I have taken an especial 
 O interest in the subject of poultry-raising, and so this 
 membership touches a ready sympathy in my breast. 
 Even as a school-boy, poultry raising was a study with 
 me, and I may say without egotism that as early as the 
 age of seventeen I was acquainted with all the best and 
 speediest methods of raising chickens, from raising them 
 off a roost by burning lucifer matches under their noses, 
 down to lifting them off a fence on a frosty night by in 
 sinuating the end of a warm board under their heels. 
 By the time I was twenty years old, I really suppose I 
 had raised more poultry than any one individual in all 
 the section round about there. The very chickens came 
 to know my talent, by and by. The youth of both sexes 
 ceased to paw the earth for worms, and old roosters that 
 came to crow, " remained to pray/ when I passed by. 
 
 I have had so much experience in the raising oi fowls 
 that I cannot but think thafc a few hints from me might be 
 useful to the Society. The two methods I have already 
 touched upon are very simple, and are only used in the 
 
 * Being a letter written to a Poultry Society that had conferred a compli 
 mentary membership upon the author, 
 
TO RAISE POULTRY. 135 
 
 raising of the commonest class of fowls ; one is for summer, 
 the other for winter. In the one case you start out with 
 a friend along about eleven o clock on a summer s night 
 (not lator, because in some States especially in 
 California and Oregon chickens always rouse up just 
 at midnight and crow from ten to thirty minutes, ac 
 cording to the ease or difficulty they experience in getting 
 the public waked up) and your friend carries with him 
 a sack. Arrived at the hen-roost (your neighbour s, 
 not your own), you light a match and hold it under first 
 one and then another pullet s nose until they are will 
 ing to go into that bag without making any trouble about 
 it. You then return home, either taking the bag with 
 you or leaving it behind, according as circumstances shall 
 dictate. N. B. I have seen the time when it was eligible 
 and appropriate to leave the sack behind and walk off 
 with considerable velocity, without ever leaving any word 
 where to send it. 
 
 In the case of the other method mentioned for raising 
 poultry, your friend takes along a covered vessel with a 
 charcoal fire in it, and you carry a long slender plank. 
 This is a frosty night understand. Arrived at the tree, 
 or fence, or other hen-roost (your own if you are an idiot), 
 you warm the end of your plank in your friend s fire 
 vessel, and then raise it aloft and ease it up gently against 
 a slumbering chicken s foot. If the subject of your atten 
 tions is a true bird, he will infallibly return thanks with 
 a sleepy cluck or two, and step out and take up quarters 
 on the plank, thus becoming so conspicuously accessory 
 
136 SKETCHES BY MAKE TWAIN. 
 
 before the fact to his own murder as to make it a grave 
 question in our minds, as it once was in the mind of Black- 
 stone, whether he is not really and deliberatly commit 
 ting suicide in the second degree. [But you enter into a 
 contemplation of these legal refinements subsequently 
 not then]. 
 
 When you wish to raise a fine, large, donkey- voiced 
 Shanghai rooster, you do it with a lasso, just as you would 
 a bull. It is because he must be choked, and choked 
 effectually, too. It is the only good, certain way, for 
 whenever he mentions a matter which he is cordially in 
 terested in, the chances are ninety -nine in a hundred that 
 he secures somebody else s immediate attention to it too, 
 whether it be day or night. 
 
 The "Black Spanish is an exceedingly fine bird and a 
 costly one. Thirty-five dollars is the usual figure, and 
 fifty a not uncommon price for a specimen. Even its 
 eggs are worth from a dollar to a dollar and a half a-piece, 
 and yet are so unwholesome that the city physician seldom 
 or never orders them for the workhouse. Still I have 
 once or twice procured as high as a dozen at a time for 
 nothing, in the dark of the moon. The best way to raise 
 the Black Spanish fowl is to go late in the evening and 
 raise coop and all. The reason I recommend this method 
 is, that the birds being so valuable, the owners do not 
 permit them to loost around promiscuously, but put them 
 in a coop as strong as a fire-proof safe, and keep it in the 
 kitchen at night. The method I speak of is not always 
 a bright and satisfying success, and yet there are so many 
 
TO RAISE POULTRY. 137 
 
 little articles of vertu about a kitchen, that if you fail on 
 the coop you can generally bring away something else. 
 I brought away a nice steel trap one night, worth ninety 
 cents. 
 
 But what is the use in my pouring out my whole in 
 tellect on this subject ? I have shown the Western New 
 York Poultry Society that they have taken to their bosom 
 a party who is not a spring chicken by any means, but a 
 man who knows all about poultry, and is just as high up 
 in the most efficient methods of raising it as the Presi 
 dent of the institution himself. I thank these gentlemen 
 for the honorary membership they have conferred upon 
 me, and shall stand at all times ready and willing to 
 testify my good feeling and my official zeal by deeds as 
 well as by this hastily penned advice and information. 
 Whenever they are ready to go to raising poultry, let 
 them call for me any evening after eleven o clock, and I 
 shall be on hand promptly. 
 10 
 
KETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 MY FIRST LITERARY VENTURE. 
 
 I WAS a very smart child at the age of thirteen an un^ 
 usually smart child, I thought at the time. It was 
 then that I did my first newspaper scribbling, and most 
 unexpectedly to me it stirred up a fine sensation in the 
 community. It did, indeed, and I was very proud of it, 
 too. I was a printer s " devil," and a progressive and 
 aspiring one. My uncle had me on his paper (the Weekly 
 Hannibal Journal, two dollars a year in advance five 
 hundred subscribers, and they paid in cordwood, cabbages, 
 and unmarketable turnips), liu-cLon a lucky summer s day 
 he left town to be gone a week, and asked me if I thought 
 I could edit one issue of the paper judiciously. Ah ! didn t 
 I want to try ! Higgins was the editor on the rival paper. 
 He had lately been jilted, and one night a friend found 
 an open note on the poor fellow s bed, in which he stated 
 that he could no longer endure life and had drowned him 
 self in Bear Creek. The friend ran down there ; and dis 
 covered Higgins wading back to shore ! He had concluded 
 he wouldn t. The village way full of it for several days, 
 but Higgins did not suspect it. I thought this was a fine 
 opportunity. I wrote an elaborately wretched account of 
 the whole matter, and then illustrated it with villainous 
 
T LITEilAiiY ADVENTUBE. 
 
 cuts engraved on the bottoms of wooden type with a jack- 
 knife one of them a picture of Higgins wading out into 
 the creek in his shirt, with a lantern, sounding the depth 
 of the water with a walking stick. I thought ,it was 
 desperately funny, and was densely unconscious that there 
 was any moral obliquity about such a publication. Being 
 satisfied with this effort I looked around for other worlds 
 to conquer, and it struck me that it would make good, in 
 teresting matter to charge the editor of a neighbouring 
 country paper with a piece of gratuitous rascality and " see 
 him squirm/ 
 
 I did it, putting the article into the form of a parody 
 on the " Burial of Sir John Moore " and a pretty crude 
 parody it was, too. 
 
 Then I lampooned two prominent citizens outrageously 
 not because they had done anything to deserve it, but 
 merely because I thought it was my duty to make the 
 paper lively. 
 
 Next I gently touched up the newest stranger the lion 
 of the day, the gorgeous journeyman tailor from Quincy, 
 He was a simpering coxcomb of the first water^ and the 
 " loudest " dressed man in the state. He was an inveter 
 ate woman-killer. Every week he wrote lushy " poetry " 
 for the " Journal," about his newest conquest. His rhymes 
 for my week were headed, " To MARY IN H - L," mean 
 ing to Mary in Hannibal, of course. (But while setting up 
 the piece I was suddenly riven from head to heel by what 
 I regarded as a perfect thunderbolt of humour, and I com 
 pressed it into a snappy foot-note at the bottom thus : 
 
140 SKETCHES BY MABK TWAIN. 
 
 " We will let this thing pass, just this once ; but we wish 
 Mr. J. Gordon Ilunnels to understand distinctly that we 
 have a character to sustain, and from this time forth when 
 he wants to commune with his friends in h 1, he must 
 select some other medium than the columns of this jour 
 nal r 
 
 The paper came out, and I never knew any little thing ./^ 
 attract so much attention as those playful trifles of mine. 
 
 For once the Hannitnl Journal was in demand a 
 novelty it had not experienced before. The whole town 
 was stirred. Higgins dropped in with a I double-barrelled 
 shot-gun early in the forenoon. When he found it was 
 an infant (as he called me) that had done him the damage, 
 he simply pulled my ears and went away ; but he threw 
 up his situation that night and left town for good. The 
 tailor came with his goose and a pair of shears ; but he 
 despised me too, and departed for the south that night. 
 The two lampooned citizens came with threats of libel, 
 and went away incensed at my insignificance. The 
 country editor pranced in with a warwhoop next day, 
 suffering for blood to drink ; but he ended by forgiving 
 me cordially and inviting me down to the drug store to 
 wash away all animosity in a friendly bumper of " Fahne- 
 stock s Vermifuge." It was his little joke. My uncle was 
 very angry when he got back unreasonably so, I thought, 
 considering what an impetus I had given the paper, and 
 considering also that gratitude for his preservation ought 
 to have been uppermost in his mind, inasmuch as by his 
 delay he had so wonderfully escaped|dissection, tomahawk- 
 
MY FIRST LITERARY ADVENTURE. 
 
 141 
 
 fclg, libel, and getting his head shot of But 
 when he looked at the accounts and saw that I had actu 
 ally booked the unparalleled number of thirty-three new 
 subscribers, and had the vegetables to show for it, cord- 
 wood, cabbage, beans, and unsaleable turnips enough to 
 run the family for two years 1 
 
 
 /xw 
 
 ->c 
 
142 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE GREAT 
 BEEF CONTRACT. 
 
 IN as few words as possible I wish to lay before the 
 nation what share, howsoever small, I have had in 
 this matter this matter which has so exercised the pub 
 lic mind, engendered so much ill-feeling, and so filled the 
 newspapers of both continents with distorted statements 
 and extravagant comments. 
 
 The origin of this distressful thing was this and I as 
 sert here that every fact in the following resume can be 
 amply proved by the official records of the General Gov 
 ernment : 
 
 John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung 
 county, New Jersey, deceased, contracted with the Gen 
 eral Government, on or about the 10th day of October. 
 1861, to furnish to General Sherman the sum total of 
 thirty barrels of beef. 
 
 Very well. 
 
 He started after Sherman with the beef, but when he 
 got to Washington Sherman had gone to Manassas ; so he 
 took the beef and followed him there, but arrived too 
 laie; he followed him to Nashville, and from Nashville to 
 Jhattanooga, and from Chattanooga to Atlantabut lie 
 
THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT. 143 
 
 never could overtake him. At Atlanta he took a fresh 
 start and followed him clear through his march to the 
 sea. He arrived too late again by a few days ; but hear 
 ing that Sherman was going out in the Quaker City ex 
 cursion to the Holy Land, he took shipping for Beirut, 
 calculating to head off the other vessel. When he arrived 
 in Jerusalem with his beef, he learned that Sherman had 
 not sailed in the Quaker City, but had gone to the Plains 
 to fight the Indians. He returned to America, and start 
 ed for the Rocky Mountains. After sixty-eight days of 
 arduous travel on the Plains, and when he had got 
 within four miles of Sherman s head-quarters, he was 
 tomahawked and scalped, and the Indiana got the beef. 
 They got all of it but one barrel. Sherman s army 
 captured that, and so even in death, the bold navigator 
 partly fulfilled his contract. In his will, /liich he had 
 kept like a journal, he bequeathed the contract to his son 
 Bartholomew W. Bartholomew W. made oi t tl: /oJ low 
 ing bill, and then died: 
 
 THE UNITED STATES 
 In account with JOHN WILSON MACKENZIE, of New Jersey, deceased. Dr. 
 
 To thirty barrels f beef for General Sherman, at $100 $3,000 
 
 To travelling expenses and transportation 14,000 
 
 Total $17,000 
 
 Rec d Payt. 
 
 He died then ; but he left the contract to Wm. J. Martin, 
 who tried to collect it, but died before he got through. 
 He left it to Barker J. Allen, and he tried to collect it 
 also. He did not survive. Barker J. Allen left it o 
 
144 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Anson G. Rogers, who attempted to collect it, and got 
 along as far as the Ninth Auditor s Office, when Death 
 the great Leveller, came all unsummoned, and foreclosed 
 on him also. He left the bill to a relative of his in Con 
 necticut, Vengeance Hopkins by name, who lasted tour 
 weeks and two days, and made the best time on record, 
 coming within one of reaching the Twelfth Auditor. In 
 his will he gave the contract bill to his uncle, by the name 
 of 0-be-joyful Johnson. It was too undermining for Joy 
 ful. His last words were: "Weep not for me I am 
 willing to go." And so he was, poor soul. Seven peo 
 ple inherited the contract after that ; but they all died. 
 So it came into my hands at last. It fell to me through 
 a relative by the name of Hubbard Bethlehem Hubbard, 
 of Indiana. He had a grudge against me for a long time ; 
 but in his last moments he sent for me, and forgave me 
 everything, and, weeping, gave me the beef contract. 
 
 This ends the history of it up to the time that I suc 
 ceeded to the property. I will now endeavour to set 
 myself straight before the nation in everything that con 
 cerns my share in the matter. I took this beef contract, 
 and the bill fqr mileage and transportation, to the Presi 
 dent of the United States. 
 
 He said, " Well sir, what can I do for you ? " 
 I said, " Sire, on or about the 10th day of October 
 1861. John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung 
 county, New Jersey, deceased, contracted with the Gen 
 eral Government to furnish to General Sherman the 
 total of thirty barrels of beef " 
 
THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT. 145 
 
 He stopped me there, and dismissed me from his pre 
 sence kindly, but firmly. The next day I called on the 
 Secretary of State. 
 
 He said, "Well, sir?" 
 
 I said, "Your Royal Highness, on or about the IOC. 
 day of October, 1861, John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotter 
 dam, Chemung county, New Jersey, deceased, contracu ! 
 with the General Government to furnish to General Sher 
 man the sum total of thirty barrels of beef " 
 
 " That will do, sir that will do ; this office has nothing 
 to do with contracts for beef." 
 
 I was bowed out. I thought the matter all over, and 
 finally, the following day, I visited the Secretary of the 
 Navy, who said, " Speak quickly, sir ; do not keep mt 
 waiting." 
 
 I said, " Your Royal Highness, on or about the 10th 
 day of October, 1861, John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotter 
 dam, Chemung county, New Jersey, deceased, contracted 
 with the General Government to furnish to General Sher 
 man the sum total of thirty barrels of beef " 
 
 Well, it was as far as I could get. He had nothing to 
 do with beef contracts for General Sherman either. I be 
 gan to think it was a curious kind of a Government. 1 1 
 looked somewhat as rf they wanted to get out of payiri- 
 for that beef. The following day I went to the Secretary 
 of the Interior. 
 
 I said, "Your Imperial Highness, on or about the 10th 
 day ot October " 
 
 " That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you before. 
 
 
14;6 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Go, take your infamous beef contract out of this establish 
 ment. The Interior Department has nothing whatever 
 to do with subsistence for the army." 
 
 I went away. But I was exasperated now. I said I 
 would haunt them ; I would infest every department of 
 this iniquitous Government till that contract business was 
 settled. I would collect that bill, or fall, as fell my 
 predecessors, trying. I assailed the Postmaster-General ; 
 I besieged the Agricultural Department ; I waylaid the 
 Speaker of the House of Eepresentatives. They had 
 nothing to do with army contracts for beef. I moved 
 upon the Commissioner of the Patent Office. 
 
 I said, "Your August Excellency, on or about M 
 
 "Perdition! have you got here with your incendiary 
 beef contract, at last ? We have nothing to do with beef 
 contracts for the army, my dear sir." 
 
 " Oh, that is all very well but somebody has got to pay 
 for that beef. It has got to be paid now, too, or I ll con 
 fiscate this old Patent Office and everything in it." 
 
 " But, my dear sir- " 
 
 "It don t make any difference, sir. The Patent Office 
 is liable for that beef, I reckon ; and, liable or not liable, 
 the Patent Office has got to pay for it." 
 
 Never mind the details. It ended in a fight. The 
 Patent Office won. But I found out something to my 
 advantage. I was told that the Treasury Department 
 was the proper place for me to go to. I went there. I 
 waited two hours and a half, and then I was admitted to 
 the First Lord of the Treasury. 
 
THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT. 147 
 
 I said, "Most noble, grave, and reverend S^gror, on or 
 about the 10th day of October, 1861, John Wilson Mac- 
 ken " 
 
 " That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you. Go to 
 the First Auditor of the Treasury." 
 
 I did so. He sent me to the Second Auditor. The 
 Second Auditor sent me to the Third, and the Third sent 
 me to the First Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division. 
 This began to look like business. He examined his books 
 and all his loose papers, but found no minute of the beef 
 contract. I went to the Second Comptroller of the Corn- 
 Beef Division. He examined his books and his loose 
 papers, but with no success. I was encouraged. During 
 that week I got as far as the Sixth Comptroller in that 
 division ; the next week I got through the Claims De 
 partment ; the third week I began and completed the Mis 
 laid Contracts Department, and got a foothold in the 
 Dead Reckoning Department. I finished that in three 
 days. There was .only one place left for it now. I laid 
 siege to the Commissioner of Odds and Ends. To his Clerk 
 rather, he was not there himself. There were sixteen 
 beautiful young ladies in the room, writing in books, and 
 there were seven well-favoured young clerks showing 
 them how. The young women smiled up over their 
 shoulders, and the clerks smiled back at them, and all 
 went merry as a marriage bell. Two or three clerk% that 
 were reading the newspapers looked at me rather hard, 
 but went on reading, and nobody said anything. How 
 ever, I had been used to this kind of alacrity from 
 
148 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Fourth- Assistant- Junior Clerks all through my eventful 
 career, from the very day I entered the first office of the 
 Corn-Beef Bureau clear till I had passed out of the last 
 one in the Dead Reckoning Division. I had got so ac 
 complished by this time that I could stand on one foot from 
 the moment I entered an office till a clerk spoke to me, 
 without changing more than two, or maybe three times. 
 
 So I stood there till I had changed four different times. 
 Then I said to one of the clerks who was reading 
 
 "Illustrious Vagrant, where is the Grand Turk ?" 
 
 "What do you mean, sir, whom do you mean ? If you 
 mean the Chief of the Bureau, he is out." 
 
 "Will he visit the harem to-day?" 
 
 The young man glared upon me awhile, and then went 
 on reading his paper. But I knew the way s of those clerks. 
 I knew I was safe if he got through before another New 
 York mail arrived. He only had two more papers left. 
 After a while he finished them, and then he yawned and 
 asked me what I wanted. 
 
 "Renowned and honoured Imbecile : On or about " 
 
 "You are the beef contract man. Give me your pa 
 pers." 
 
 He took them, and for a long time he ransacked his 
 odds and ends. Finally he found the North- West Pas 
 sage, as / regarded it he found the long-lost record of 
 that beef contract he found the rock upon which so 
 many of my ancestors had split before they ever got to 
 it. I was deeply moved. And yet I rejoiced for I had 
 survived. I said with emotion, " Give it me. The Govern- 
 
THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT. 149 
 
 ment will settle now." He waved me back, and said there 
 was something yet to be done first. 
 * "Where is this John Wilson Mackenzie ?" said he. 
 
 "Dead." 
 
 "When did he die?" 
 
 "He didn t die at all he was killed." 
 
 "How ?" 
 
 "Tomahawked." 
 
 " Who tomahawked him ?" 
 
 " Why, an Indian, of course. You didn t suppose it was 
 the superintendent of a Sunday-school, did you ?" 
 
 " No. An Indian, was it ?" 
 
 " The same." 
 
 "Name of the Indian?" 
 
 " His name ? I don t know his name." 
 
 "Must have his name. Who saw the tomahawking 
 done ? " 
 
 " I don t know." 
 
 " You were not present yourself, then ?" 
 
 " Which you can see by my hair. I was absent." 
 
 " Then how do you know that Mackenzie is dead ?" 
 
 " Because he certainly died at that time, and I have 
 every reason to believe that he has been dead ever since. 
 I know he has, in fact." 
 
 " We must have proofs. Have you got the Indian ? " 
 
 " Of course not." 
 
 " Well, you must get him. Have you got the toma 
 hawk ? " 
 
 " I never thought of such a thing.** 
 
150 SKETCHES BY MAKK TWAIN. 
 
 i 
 
 " You must get the tomahawk. You must produce the 
 Indian and the tomahawk. If Mackenzie s death can be 
 proven by these, you can then go before the commission 
 appointed to audit claims with some show of getting your 
 bill under snch headway that your children may possibly 
 live to receive the money and enjoy it. But that man s 
 death must be proven. However, I may as well tell you 
 that the Government will never pay that transportation 
 and those travelling expenses of the lamented Mackenzie. 
 It may possibly pay for the barrel of beef that Sherman s 
 soldiers captured, if you can get a relief bill through 
 Congress making an appropriation for that purpose ; but 
 it will not pay for the twenty-nine barrels the Indians 
 ate." 
 
 " Then there is only a hundred dollars due me, and 
 that isn t certain! After all Mackenzie s travels in 
 Europe, Asia, and America with that beef ; after all his 
 trials and tribulations and transportation ; after the 
 slaughter of all those innocents that tried to collect that 
 bill ! Young man, why didn t the First Comptroller of 
 the Corn-Beef Division tell me this ?" 
 
 " He didn t know anything about the genuineness of 
 your claim." 
 
 " Why didn t the Second tell me ? why didn t the 
 Third ? why didn t all those divisions and departments 
 tellm??" 
 
 " None of them knew. We do things by routine here. 
 You have followed the routine and found out what you 
 wanted to know. It is the best way. It is the only 
 
THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT. 151 
 
 way. It is very regular, and very slow, but it is very 
 certain." 
 
 " Yes, certain death. It has been, to the most of our 
 tribe. I begin to feel that i, too, ain called. Young man, 
 you love the bright creature yonder with the gentle blue 
 eyes and the steel pens behind her ears I see it in your 
 soft glances ; you wish to marry her but you are poor. 
 Here, hold out you hand here is the beef contract ; go, 
 take her and be happy ! Heaven bless you, my chil 
 dren!" 
 
 This is all I know about the great beef contract, that 
 has created so much talk in the community. The clerk 
 to whom I bequeathed it died. I know nothing further 
 about the contract, or any one connected with it. I only 
 know that if a man lives long enough he can trace a thing 
 through the Circumlocution Office of Washington, and 
 find out, after much labour and trouble and delay, that 
 which he could have found out on the first day if the 
 business of the Circumlocution Office were as ingeniously 
 systematized as it would be if it were a great private 
 mercantile institution. 
 
152 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 THE CASE OF GEORGE FISHER * 
 
 THIS is history. It is not a wild extravaganza, like 
 "John Wilson Mackenzie s Great Beef Contract," 
 but is a plain statement of facts and circumstances with 
 which the Congress of the United States has interested 
 itself from time to time during the long period of half a 
 century. 
 
 I will not call this matter of George Fisher s a great 
 deathless and unrelenting swindle upon the Government 
 and people of the United States for it has never been 
 decided, and I hold that it is a grave and solemn wrong 
 for a writer to cast slurs or call names when such is the 
 case but will simply present the evidence and let the 
 reader deduce his own verdict. Then we shall do nobody 
 injustice, and our consciences shall be clear. 
 
 On or about the 1st day of September 1813, the Creek 
 
 * Some years ago, when this was first published, few people believed it, 
 but considered it a mere extravaganza. In these latter days it seems hard to 
 realize that there was ever a time when the robbing of our government was 
 a novelty. The very man who showed me where to find the documents for 
 this case was at that very time spending hundreds of thousands of dollara 
 in Washington for a mail steamship concern, in the effort to procure a sub 
 sidy for the company a fact which was a long time coming to the surface, 
 but leaked out at last and underwent Congressional investigation. 
 
THE CASE OF GEOKGE FISHER. 153 
 
 war being then in progress in Florida, the crops, herds, 
 and houses of Mr. George Fisher, a citizen, were de 
 stroyed, either by the Indians or by the United States 
 troops in pursuit of them. By the terms of the law, if 
 the Indians destroyed the property, there was no. relief 
 for Fisher; but if the troops destroyed it, the Govern 
 ment of the United States was debtor to Fisher for the 
 amount involved. 
 
 George Fisher must have considered that the Indians 
 destroyed the property, because, although he lived sever 
 al years afterward, he does not appear to have ever made 
 any claim upon the Government. 
 
 In the course of time Fisher di<td, and his widow mar 
 ried again. And by and by, nearly twenty years after 
 that dimly-remembered raid upon Fisher s cornfields, the 
 widow Fishers new husband petitioned Congress for pay 
 for the property, and backed up the petition with many 
 depositions and affidavits which purported to prove that 
 the troops, and not the Indians, destroyed the property ; 
 that the troops, for some inscrutable reason, deliberately 
 burned down "houses" (or cabins) valued at $600, the 
 same belonging to a peaceable private citizen, and also 
 destroyed various other property belonging to the same 
 citizen. But Congress declined to believe that the troops 
 were such idiots (after overtaking and scattering a band 
 of Indians proved to have been found destroying Fisher s 
 property) as to calmly continue the work of destruction 
 themselves, and make a complete job of what the Indians 
 had only commenced. So Congress denied the petition 
 11 
 
154 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 of the heirs of George Fisher in 1832, and did not pay 
 them a cent. 
 
 We hear no more from them officially until 1848, six 
 teen years after their first attempt on the Treasury, and 
 a full generation after the death of the man whose fields 
 were destroyed. The new generation of Fisher heirs then 
 came forward and put in a bill for damages. The Second 
 Auditor awarded them $8,873, being half the damage 
 sustained by Fisher. The Auditor said the testimony 
 showed that at least half the destruction was done by the 
 Indians "before the troops started in pursuit" and of 
 course the Government was not responsible for that half. 
 
 2. That was in April, 1848. In December, 1848, the 
 heirs of George Fisher, deceased, came forward and pleaded 
 for a " revision " of their bill of damages. The revision 
 was made, but nothing new could be found in their 
 favour except an error of $100 in the former calculation. 
 However, in order to keep up the spirits of the Fisher 
 family, the Auditor concluded to go back and allow in 
 terest from the date of the first petition (1832) to the date 
 when the bill of damages was awarded. This sent the 
 Fishers home happy with sixteen years interest on $8,873 
 the same amounting to $8,997.94. Total, $17,870.94. 
 
 3. For an entire year the suffering Fisher family re 
 mained quiet even satisfied, after a fashion. Then they 
 swooped down upon Government with their wrongs 
 once more. That old patriot, Attorney-General Toucey, 
 burrowed through the musty papers of the Fishers and 
 discovered one more chance for the desolate orphans in- 
 
THE CASE OF QEOEGE FISHER. 155 
 
 terest on that original awa/d of $8,873 from date of de 
 struction of the property (1813) up to 1832 1 Kesult, $10,- 
 004.89 for the indigent Fishers. So now we have : First, 
 $8,873 damages ; second, interest on it from 1832 to 1848, 
 $8,997.94 ; third, interest on it dated back to 1813.. $10,- 
 004.89. Total, $27,875.83 ! What better investment for 
 a great-grandchild than to get the Indians to burn a corn 
 field for him sixty or seventy years before his birth, and 
 plausibly lay it on lunatic United States troops ? 
 
 4. Strange as it may seem, the Fishers let Congress 
 alone for five years or, what is perhaps more likely, fail 
 ed to make themselves heard by Congress for that length 
 of time. But at last in 1854, they got a hearing. They 
 persuaded Congress to pass an act requiring the Auditor 
 to re-examine their case. But this time they stumbled 
 upon -the misfortune of an honest Secretary of the Treas 
 ury (Mr. James Guthrie), and he spoiled everything. He 
 said in very plain language that the Fishers were not only 
 not entitled to another cent, but that those children of 
 many sorrows and acquainted with grief had been paid 
 too much already, 
 
 5. Therefore another interval of rest and silence ensued 
 an interval which lasted four years viz., till 1858. The 
 " right man in the right place " was then Secretary of War 
 John B. Floyd, of peculiar renown ! Here was a master 
 intellect ; here was the very man to succour the suffering 
 heirs of dead and forgotten Fisher. They came up from 
 Florida with a rush a great tidal wave of Fishers freight 
 ed with the same old musty documents about the same 
 
156 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 immortal cornfields of their ancestor. They straightway 
 got an Act passed transferring the Fisher matter from the 
 dull. Auditor to the ingenious Floyd. What did Floyd do ? 
 He said, " IT WAS PROVED that the Indians destroyed every 
 thing they could before the troops entered in pursuit." 
 He considered, therefore, that what they destroyed must 
 have consisted of " the houses with all their contents, and 
 the liquor " (the most trifling part of the destruction, and 
 set down at only $3,200 all told), and that the Govern 
 ment troops then drove them off and calmly proceeded to 
 destroy 
 
 Two hundred and twenty acres of corn in the field, 
 thirty-five acres of wheat, and nine hundred and eighty- 
 six head of live stock ! [What a singularly intelligent 
 army we had in those days, according to Mr. Floyd 
 though not according to the Congress of 1832.] 
 
 So Mr. Floyd decided that the Government was not re 
 sponsible for that $3,200 worth of rubbish which the In 
 dians destroyed, but was responsible for the property de 
 stroyed by the troops which property consisted of (I 
 quote from the printed United States Senate document) 
 
 Corn at Bassett s Creek 3,000 
 
 Cattle 5,000 
 
 Stock hogs ...., 1,050 
 
 Drove hogs 1,204 
 
 Wheat 350 
 
 Hides 4,000 
 
 Corn on the Alabama River 3,500 
 
 Total 18,104 
 
 That sum, in his report, Mr. Floyd calls the "full value 
 of the property destroyed by the troops." He allows that 
 
THE CASE OF GEORGE FISHER. 15? 
 
 sum to the starving Fishers, TOGETHER WITH INTEREST 
 FROM 1813. From this new sum total jbhe amounts al 
 ready paid to the Fishers were deducted, and then the 
 cheerful remainder (a fraction under forty thousand dol 
 lars) was handed to them, and again they retired to Flori- 
 da^in a condition of temporary tranquility. Their ances 
 tor s farm had now yielded them, altogether, nearly sixty- 
 seven thousand dollars in cash. 
 
 6. Does the reader suppose that that was the end of it ? 
 Does he suppose those diffident Fishers were satisfied ? 
 Let the evidence show. The Fishers were quiet just two 
 years. Then they came swarming up out of the fertile 
 swamps of Florida with their same old documents, anS 
 besieged Congress once more. Congress capitulated on 
 the first of June, 1860, and instructed Mr. Floyd to over 
 haul those papers again and pay that bill. A Treasury 
 clerk was ordered to go through those papers and report 
 to Mr. Floyd what amount was still due the emaciated Fish 
 ers. This clerk (I can produce him whenever he is wanted) 
 discovered what was apparently a glaring and recent 
 forgery in the papers, whereby a witness s testimony as 
 to the price of corn in Florida in 1813 was made to 
 name double the amount which that witness had origin- 
 
 o 
 
 ally specified as the price ! The clerk not only called his 
 superior s attention to this thing, but in making up his 
 brief of the case called particular attention to it in writ 
 ing. That part of the brief never got before Congress, nor 
 has Congress ever yet had a hint of a forgery existing 
 among the Fisher papers. Nevertheless, on the basis of the 
 
158 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 double prices (and totally ignoring the clerk s assertion 
 that the figures were manifestly and unquestionably a 
 recent forgery,) Mr. Floyd remarks in his new report that 
 the " testimony, particularly in regard to the corn crops 
 DEMANDS A MUCH HIGHER ALLOWANCE than any heretofore 
 made by the Auditor or myself." So he estimates the 
 crop at sixty bushels to the acre (double what Florida 
 acres produce), and then virtuously allows pay for only 
 half the crop, but allows two dollars and a half a bushel 
 for that half, when there are rusty old books and docu 
 ments in the Congressional library to show just what the 
 Fisher testimony showed before the forgery viz., that in 
 the fall of 1813 corn was only worth from $1.25 to $1.50 
 a bushel. Having accomplished this, what does Mr. 
 Floyd do next ? Mr. Floyd (" with an earnest desire to 
 execute truly the legislative will," as he piously remarks) 
 goes to work and makes out an entirely new bill of Fisher 
 damages, and in this new bill he placidly ignores the 
 Indians altogether puts no particle of the destruction 
 of the Fisher property upon them, but, even repenting 
 him of charging them with burning the cabins and drink 
 ing the whiskey and breaking the crockery, lays the entire 
 damage at the door of the imbecile United States troops, 
 down to the very last item ! And not only that, but uses 
 the forgery to double the loss of corn at " Bassett s Creek," 
 and uses it again to absolutely treble the loss of corn on 
 the " Alabama River." This new and ably conceived and 
 executed bill of Mr. Floyd s figures up as follows (I copy 
 again from the printed U. S. Senate document) : 
 
THE CASE OF GEORGE FISHES. 159 
 
 The United States in account with the legal representatives of George Fisher, 
 deceased. 
 
 DOL. C. 
 
 1813. To 550 head of cattle, at 10 dollars 5,500 00 
 
 To 86 heads of drove hogs.... 1,20400 
 
 To 350 head of stock hogs 1,750 00 
 
 To 100 ACRES or CORN ON BASSKTT S CREEK 6,000 00 
 
 To 8 barrels of whiskey 350 00 
 
 To 2 barrels of brandy . 280 00 
 
 To 1 barrel of rum, 70 00 
 
 To dry goods and merchandise in store 1,100 00 
 
 To 35 acres of wheat 350 00 
 
 To 2,000 hides 4,000 00 
 
 To furs and hats in store 600 00 
 
 To crockery wars in store 100 00 
 
 To smiths and carpenters tools 250 00 
 
 To houses burned and destroyed 600 00 
 
 To 4 dozen bottles of wine 48 00 
 
 1814. To 120 acres of corn on Alabama River , . . . . 9,500 00 
 
 To crops of peas, fodder, etc 3,250 00 
 
 Total 34,95200 
 
 To interest on $22,202, July 1813 to November 1860, 
 
 47 years and 4 months 63,053 63 
 
 To interest on $12,750, from September 1814 to No 
 vember 1860, 46 years and 2 months 35, 317 50 
 
 Total 133,32318 
 
 He puts everything in this time. He does not even 
 allow that the Indians destroyed the crockery or drank 
 the four dozen bottles of (currant) wine. When it came 
 to supernatural comprehensiveness in " gobbling," John 
 B. Floyd was without his equal, in his own or ary other 
 generation. Subtracting from the above total the $67,- 
 000 already paid to George Fisher s implacable heirs, Mr. 
 Floyd announced that the Government was still indebted 
 to them in the sum of sixty-six thousand Jive hundred 
 and nineteen dollars and eight-five cents, "which" Air. 
 
160 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Floyd complacently remarks, " will be paid, accordingly, 
 fco the administrator of the estate of George Fisher, de 
 ceased, or to his attorney in fact." 
 
 But sadly enough for the destitute orphans, a new Presi 
 dent came in just at this time, Buchanan and Floyd went 
 out, and they never got their money. The first thing 
 Congress did in 1861 was to rescind the resolution of 
 June 1, I860, under which Mr. Floyd had been ciphering. 
 Then Floyd (and doubtless the heirs of George Fisher 
 likewise) had to give up financial business for a while, 
 and go into the Confederate army and serve their 
 country. 
 
 Were the heirs of George Fisher killed ? No. They 
 are back now at this very time (July 1870), beseech 
 ing Congress through that blushing and diffident creature, 
 Garrett Davis, to commence making payments again on 
 their interminable and insatiable bill of damages for corn 
 and whiskey destroyed by a gang of irresponsible Indians, 
 so long ago that even government red-tape has failed to 
 keep consistent and intelligent track of it. 
 
 Now, the above are facts. They are history. Any one 
 who doubts it can send to the Senate Document De 
 partment of the Capitol for H. K Ex. Doc. No. 21, 36th 
 Congress, 2nd Session, and for S. Ex. Doc. No. 106, 41st 
 Congress, 2nd Session, and satisfy himself. The whole 
 case is set forth in the first volume of the Court of Claims 
 Reports. 
 
 It is my belief that as long as the continent of America 
 holds together, the heirs of George Fisher, deceased, will 
 
THE CASE OF GEORGE FISHER. 161 
 
 still make pilgrimages to Washington from the swamps 
 of Florida, to plead for just a little more cash on their 
 bill of damages (even when they received the last of that 
 sixty-seven thousand dollars, they said it was only one- 
 fourth what the Government owed them on that fruitful 
 corn-field), and as long as they choose to come, they will 
 find Garrett Davises to drag their vampire schemes before 
 Congress. This is not the only hereditary fraud (if fraud 
 it is which I have before repeatedly remarked is not 
 proven) that is being quietly handed down from genera 
 tion to generation of fathers and sons, through the perse 
 cuted Treasury of the United States. 
 
162 SKETCHES BY MAUK TWAIN. 
 
 THE JUDGE S "SPIRITED WOMAN/ 
 
 " T WAS, sitting here," said the judge, "in this old pul- 
 J- pit, holding court, and we were trying a big, wicked- 
 looking Spanish desperado for killing the husband of a 
 bright, pretty Mexican woman. It was a lazy summer 
 day, and a^i awfully long one, and the witnesses were 
 tedious. None of us took any interest in the trial ex 
 cept that nervous, uneasy devil of a Mexican woman 
 because you know how they love and how they hate, and 
 this one had loved her husband with all her might, and 
 now she had boiled it all down into hate, and stood there 
 spitting it at that Spaniard with her eyes ; and I tell you 
 she would stir me up, too, with a little of her summer 
 lightning occasionally. Well, I had my coat off and my 
 heels up, lolling and sweating, and smoking one of those 
 cabbage cigars the San Francisco people used to think 
 were good enough for us in those times ; and the lawyers 
 they all had their coats off, and were smoking and whit 
 tling, and the witnesses the same, and so was the prisoner. 
 Well, the fact is, there warn t any interest in a murder 
 trial then, because the fellow was always brought in 
 " not guilty," the jury expecting him to do as much for 
 them some time ; and, although the evidence was straight 
 
THE JUDGE S " SPIRITED WOMAN." 168 
 
 and square against this Spaniard, we knew we could not 
 convict him without seeming to be rather high handed 
 and sort of reflecting on every gentleman in the com 
 munity ; for there warn t any carriages and liveries then, 
 and so the only style there was, was to keep your private 
 graveyard. But that woman seemed to have her heart 
 set on hanging that Spaniard ; and you d ought to have 
 seen how she would glare on him a minute, and then look 
 up at me in her pleading way, and then turn and for the 
 next five minutes search the jury s faces, and by and by 
 drop her face in her hands for just a little while as if she 
 was most ready to give up ; but out she d come again 
 directly, and be as live and anxious as ever. But when 
 the jury announced the verdict Not Guilty, and I told 
 the prisoner he was acquitted and free to go, that woman 
 rose up till she appeared to be as tall and grand as a 
 seventy-four-gun-ship, and says she 
 
 " Judge, do I understand you to say that this man is 
 not guilty, that murdered my husband without any cause 
 before my own eyes and my little children s, and that 
 all has been done to him that ever justice and the law 
 can do ? 
 
 " The same, says I. 
 
 " And then what do you reckon she did? Why, she 
 turned on that smirking Spanish fool Jike a wild cat, and 
 out with a navy and shot him dead in open court ! " 
 
 " That was spirited, I am willing to admit." 
 
 " Wasn t it, though ? " said the judge, admiringly. " I 
 wouldn t have missed it for anything. I adjourned court 
 
164 
 
 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN 
 
 right on the spot, and we put on our coats and went out 
 and took up a collection for her and her cubs, and sent 
 them over the mountains to their friends. Ah, she was 
 a spirited wench 1 " 
 
MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP. 165 
 
 MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP. 
 
 I AM not a private secretary to a senator any more, now. 
 I held the berth two months in security and in great 
 cheerfulness of spirit, but my bread began to return from 
 over the waters, then that is to say, my works came 
 back and revealed themselves. I judged it best to resign. 
 The way of it was this. My employer sent for me one 
 morning tolerably early, and, as soon as I had finished 
 inserting some conundrums clandestinely into his last 
 great speech upon finance, I entered the presence. There 
 was something portentous in his appearance. His cravat 
 was untied, his hair was in a state of disorder, and his 
 countenance bore about it the signs of a suppressed storm. 
 He held a package of letters in his tense grasp, and I 
 knew that the dreaded Pacific mail was in. He said 
 
 " I thought you were worthy of confidence." 
 
 I said, "Yes, sir." 
 
 He said, " I gave you a letter from certain of my con 
 stituents in the State of Nevada, asking the establish 
 ment of a post-office at Baldwin s Ranch, and told you to 
 answer it, as ingeniously as you could, with arguments 
 which should persuade them that there was no real 
 necessity for an office at that place." 
 
166 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 I felt easier. " Oh, if that is all, sir, I did do that." 
 " Yes, you did. I will read your answer, for your own 
 humiliation : 
 
 " WASHINGTON, Nov. 24. 
 " Messrs. Smith, Jones, and others. 
 
 " * GENTLEMEN : What the mischief do yon suppose you want with a post- 
 office at Baldwin s Ranch ? It would not do you any good. If any letters 
 came there, you couldn t read them, you know ; and, besides, such letters as 
 ought to pass through, with money in them, for other localities, would not 
 be likely to get through, you must perceive at once ; and that would make 
 trouble for us all. No, don t bother about a post-office in your camp. I 
 have your best interests at heart, and feel that it would only be an orna 
 mental folly. What you want is a nice jail, you know a nice, substantial 
 jail and a free school. These will be a lasting benefit to you. These will 
 make you really contented and happy. I will move in the matter at once. 
 
 " Very truly, etc., 
 
 " MARK TWAIN, 
 " For James W. N**, U. S. Senator. 1 
 
 " That is the way you answered that letter. Those 
 people say they will hang me, if I ever enter that district 
 again ; and I am perfectly satisfied they will, too." 
 
 " Well, sir, I did not know I was doing any harm. I 
 only wanted to convince them." 
 
 " Ah. Well you did convince them, I make no man 
 ner of doubt. Now, here is another specimen. I gave 
 you a petition from certain gentleman of Nevada, praying 
 that I would get a bill through Congress incorporating 
 the Methodist Episcopal Church of the State of Nevada, 
 I told you to say, in reply, that the creation of such a 
 law came more properly within the province of the State 
 Legislature ; and to endeavour to show them that, in the 
 present feebleness of the religious element in that new 
 
MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP. 167 
 
 commonwealth, the expediency of incorporating the 
 church was questionable. What did you write ? 
 
 "WASHINGTON, Nov. 24. 
 
 " Rev. John Halifax and others. 
 
 " GENTLEMEN : You will have to go to the State Legislature about that 
 speculation of yours- Congress don t know anything about religion. But 
 don t you hurry to go there, eithor ; because this thing you propose to do 
 out in that new country isn t expedient in fact, it is ridiculous. Your 
 religious people there are too feeble, in intellect, in morality, in piety in 
 everything, pretty much. You had better drop this you can t make it 
 work. You can t issue stock on c.n incorporation like that or if you could, 
 it would only keep you in trouble all the time. The other denominations 
 would abuse it, and "bear" it, and " cell it short, " and break it down. They 
 would do with it just as they would with one of your silver mines out there 
 they would try to make all tlie world believe it was "wildcat." You 
 ought not to do anything that is calculated to bring a sacred thing into dis 
 repute. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves that is what /think about 
 it. You close your petition with the words : "And we will ever pray." I 
 think you had better you neec 1 . to J, , it. 
 
 "Very truly, etc., 
 
 11 :,!ARK TWAIN, 
 "For JaT~ "". N**, U. S. Senator. 
 
 " That luminous epistle finishes me with the religious 
 element among my constituents. But that my political 
 murder might be made sure, some evil instinct prompted 
 me to hand you this memorial from the grave company 
 of elders composing the Board of Aldermen of the city of 
 San Francisco, to try your hand upon a memorial pray 
 ing that the city s right to the water-lots upon the city 
 front might be established by law of Congress. I told 
 you this was a dangerous matter to move in. I told you 
 to write a non-committal letter to the Aldermen an 
 ambiguous letter that should avoid, as far as possible, all 
 real consideration and discussion of the water-lot ques- 
 
168 SKETCHES BY MAKK TWAIN. 
 
 tion. If there is any feeling left in you any shame 
 surely this letter you wrote, in obedience to that order, 
 ought to evoke it, when its words fall upon your ears : 
 
 * 
 
 WASHINGTON, Nov. 27. 
 
 " The Hon. Board of Aldermen, etc. 
 
 " GENTLEMEN : George Washington, the revered Father of his Country 
 is dead. His long and brilliant career is closed, alas ! forever. He was 
 greatly respected in this section of the country, and his untimely decease 
 cast a gloom over the whole community. He died on the 14th day of Dec 
 ember, 1799. He passed peacefully away from the scene of his honours and 
 his great achievements, the most lamented hero and the best beloved that 
 ever earth hath yielded unto Death. At such a time as this, you speak of 
 water-lots ! what a lot was his ! 
 
 What is fame ? Fame is an accident. Sir Isaac Newton discovered 
 an apple falling to the ground a trivial discovery, truly, and one which a 
 million men had made before him but his parents were influential, and so 
 they tortured that small circumstance into something wonderful, and, lo ! 
 the simple world took up the shout and, in almost the twinkling of an eye, 
 the man was famous. Treasure these thoughts. 
 
 " Poesy, sweet poesy, who shall estimate what the world owes to theel 
 
 " Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 
 And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go." 
 
 " Jack and Gill went up the hill 
 
 To draw a pail of water ; 
 Jack fell down and broke his crown, 
 And Gill came tumbling after." 
 
 For simplicity, elegance of diction, and freedom from immoral tendencies, 
 I regard those two poems in the light of gems. They are suited to all grades 
 of intelligence, to every sphere of life to the field, to the nursery, to the 
 guild. Especially should no Board of Aldermen be without them. 
 
 " Venerable fossils ! write again. Nothing improves one so much as 
 friendly correspondence. Write again and if there is anything in this me 
 morial of yours that refers to anything in particular, do not be backward 
 about explaining it. We shall always be hai/py to hear you chirp. 
 "Very truly, etc. 
 
 " MAKK TWAIN, 
 " For James W. N**, U. S. Senator. 
 
MY LATE SENATORIAL SECBETAEYSHIP. 1G9 
 
 " That is an atrocious, a ruinous epistle ! Distraction !" 
 " Well, sir, I am really sorry if there is anything wrong 
 about it but but it appears to me to dodge the water- 
 lot question." 
 
 " Dodge the mischief ! Oh ! but never mind. As 
 long as destruction must come now, let it be complete. 
 Let it be complete let this last of your performances, 
 which I am about to read, make a finality of it. I am a 
 ruined man. I had my misgivings when I gave you the 
 letter from Humboldt, asking that the post route from 
 Indian Gulch to Shakespeare Gap and intermediate points, 
 be changed partly to the old Mormon trail. But I told 
 you it was a delicate question, and warned you to deal 
 with it deftly to answer it dubiously, and leave them a 
 little in the dark. And your fatal imbecility impelled 
 you to make this disastrous reply. I should think you 
 would stop your ears, if you are not dead to all shame : 
 
 WASHINGTON, Nov. 30. 
 " Messrs. Perkins, Wagner, et al 
 
 " GENTLEMEN : It is a delicate question about this Indian trail, but, 
 handled with proper deftness and dubiousness, I doubt not we shall succeed 
 in some measure or otherwise, because this place where the route leaves the 
 Lassen Meadows, over beyond where those two Shawnee chiefs, Dilapidated- 
 Vengeance and Biter-of-the-Clouds, were scalped last winter, this being the 
 favourite direction to some, but others preferring something else in conse 
 quence of things, the Mormon trail leaving Mosby sat three in fehe morning, 
 and passing through Jawbone Flat to Blucher, and then down by Jug- 
 Handle, the road passing to the right of it, and naturally leaving it on the 
 right, too, and Dawson s on the left of the trail where it passes to the left of 
 said Dawson s and onward thence to Tomahawk, thus making the route 
 cheaper, easier of access to all who can get at it, and compassing all the de 
 sirable objects so considered by others, and therefore, conferring the most 
 good upon the greatest number, and, consequently, I am encourage;! to hope 
 Ave shall. However, I shall be ready, and happy, to afford you stiti further 
 
170 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 information npon the subject, from time to time, as yon may desire it ami 
 the Post-office Department be enabled to furnish it to me. 
 
 " Very truly, etc. 
 
 " MARK TWAIN, 
 
 "Tor James W. N** U. S. Senator. 
 
 " There now what do you think of that ?" 
 
 " Well, I don t know, sir. It well, it appears to me 
 to be dubious enough." 
 
 p u leave the house ! I am a ruined man. Those 
 Humboldt savages neve* will forgive me for tangling 
 their brains up with this inhuman letter. I have lost the 
 respect of the Methodist Church, the Board of Alder 
 men " 
 
 " Well, I haven t anything to say about that, because 
 I may have missed it a little in their cases, but I was too 
 many for the Baldwin s Ranch people, General !" 
 
 " Leave the house ! Leave it for ever and for ever, 
 too!" 
 
 I regarded that as a sort of covert intimation that my 
 services could be dispensed with, and so I resigned. I 
 never will be a private secretary to a senator again. You 
 can t please that kind of people. They don t know any 
 thing, They can t appreciate a party s efforts. 
 
fclLEY NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT. 171 
 
 RILEY NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT. 
 
 ONE of the best men in Washington or elsewhere 
 is RILEY, correspondent of one of the great Sai 
 Francisco dailies. 
 
 Riley is full of humour, and has an unfailing vein of 
 irony, which makes his conversation to the last degree 
 entertaining (as long as the remarks are about somebody 
 else). But, notwithstanding the possession of these qual 
 ities, which should enable a man to write a happy and an 
 appetizing letter, Riley s newspaper letters often display 
 a more than earthly solemnity, and likewise an unimagi 
 native devotion to petrified facts, which surprise and dis 
 tress all men who know him in his unofficial character. 
 He explains this curious thing by saying that his employ 
 ers sent him to Washington to write facts, not fancy, and 
 that several times he has come near losing his situation 
 by inserting humorous remarks which, not being look 
 ed for at headquarters, and consequently not understood; 
 were thought to be dark and bloody speeches intended to 
 convey signals and warnings to murderous secret societies, 
 or something of that kind, and so were scratched out with 
 a shiver and a prayer and cast into the stove. Riley says 
 that sometimes he is so afflicted with a yearning to write 
 
172 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 a sparkling and absorbingly readable letter, that he sim 
 ply cannot resist it, and so he goes to his den and revels 
 in the delight of untrammelled scribbling ; and then with 
 suffering such as only a mother can know, he destroys the 
 pretty children of his fancy and reduces his letter to the 
 required dismal accuracy. Having seen Riley do this very 
 thing more than once, I know whereof I speak. Often 
 I have laughed with him over a happy passage, and 
 grieved to see him plough his pen through it. He 
 would say, " I had to write that or die ; and I ve got 
 to scratch it out or starve. They wouldn t stand it, you 
 know." 
 
 I think Riley is about the most entertaining company 
 I ever saw. We lodged together in many places in Wash 
 ington during the winter of 67-8, moving comfortably 
 from place to place, and attracting attention by paying 
 our board a course which cannot fail to make a person 
 conspicuous in Washington. Riley would tell all about 
 his trip to California in the early days, by way of the 
 Isthmus and the San Juan River ; and about his baking 
 bread in San Francisco to gain a living, and setting up 
 ten-pins, and practising law, and opening oysters, and 
 delivering lectures, and teaching French, and tending 
 bar, and reporting for the newspapers, and keeping danc 
 ing schools, and interpreting Chinese in the courts - 
 which latter was lucrative, and Riley was doing hand 
 somely and laying up a little money, when people began 
 to find fault because his translations were too "free/ a 
 thing for which Riley considered he ought not to be held 
 
RILEY NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT. 173 
 
 responsible, since he did not know a word of the Chinese 
 tongue, and only adopted interpreting as a means of gain 
 ing an honest livelihood. Through the machinations of 
 enemies he was removed from the position of official in 
 terpreter, and a man put in his place who was familiar 
 with the Chinese language, but did not know any Eng 
 lish. And Riley used to tell about publishing a news 
 paper up in what is Alaska now, but was only an iceberg 
 then, with a population composed of bears, walruses, 
 Indians, and other animals; and how the iceberg got 
 adrift at last, and left all his paying subscribers behind, 
 and as soon as the commonwealth floated out of the jur 
 isdiction of Russia the people rose and threw off their 
 allegiance and ran up the English flag, calculating to hook 
 on and become an English colony as they drifted along 
 down the British Possessions ; but a land breeze and a 
 crooked current carried them by, and they ran up the 
 Stars and Stripes and steered for California, missed the 
 connection again and swore allegiance to Mexico, but it 
 wasn t any use ; the anchors came home every time, and 
 away they went with the north-east trades drifting off 
 side- ways toward the Sandwich Islands, whereupon they 
 ran up the Cannibal flag and had a grand human barba- 
 cue in honour of it, in which it was noticed that the bet 
 ter a man liked a friend the better he enjoyed him ; and 
 as soon as they got fairly within the tropics the weather 
 got so fearfully hot that the iceberg began to melt, arid it 
 got so sloppy under foot that it was almost impossible for 
 ladies to get about at all ; and at last, just as they came in 
 
174 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 sight of the islands, the melancholy remnant of the once 
 majestic iceberg canted first to one side and then to the 
 other, and then plunged under for ever, carrying the 
 national archives along with it and not only the archives 
 and the populace, but some eligible town lots which had 
 increased in value as fast as they diminished in size 
 in the tropics, and which Riley could have sold at thirty 
 cents a pound and made himself rich if he could have 
 kept the province afloat ten hours longer and got her 
 into port. 
 
 Riley is very methodical, untiringly accommodating, 
 never forgets anything that is to be attended to, is a good 
 son, a staunch friend, and a permanent reliable enemy. 
 He will put himself to any amount of trouble to oblige a 
 body, and therefore always has his hands full of things to 
 be done for the helpless and shiftless. And he knows 
 how to do nearly everything, too. He is a man whose 
 native benevolence is a well-spring that never goes dry. 
 He stands always ready to . help whoever needs help, as 
 far as he is able and not simply with his money, for 
 that is a cheap and common charity, but with hand and 
 brain, and fatigue of limb and sacrifice of time. This 
 sort of men is rare. 
 
 Riley has a ready wit, a quickness and aptness at se 
 lecting and applying quotations, and a countenance that 
 is as solemn and as blank as the back side of a tombstone 
 when he is delivering a particularly exasperating joke. 
 One night a negro woman was burned to death in a 
 house next door to us, and Riley said that our landlady 
 
RILEY NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT. 175 
 
 would be oppressively emotional at breakfast, because 
 she generally made use of such opportunities as offered, 
 being of a morbidly sentimental turn, and so we should 
 find it best to let her talk along and say nothing back 
 it was the only way to keep her tears out of the gravy. 
 Riley said there never was a funeral in the neighbourhood 
 but that the gravy was watery for a week. 
 
 And sure enough, at breakfast the landlady was down 
 in the very sloughs of woe entirely broken-hearted. 
 Everything she looked at reminded her of that poor old 
 negro woman, and so the buckwheat cakes made her 
 sob, the coffee forced a groan, and when the beef -steak 
 came on she fetched a wail that made our hair rise. 
 Then she got to talking about deceased, and kept up a 
 steady drizzle till both of us were soaked through and 
 through. Presently she took a fresh breath and said, 
 with a world of sobs 
 
 " Ah, to think of it, only to think of it ! the poor old 
 faithful creature. For she was so faithful. Would you 
 believe it, she had been a servant in that self -same house 
 and that self-same family for twenty-seven years 
 come Christmas, and never a cross word and never 
 a lick! And, oh, to think she should meet such a 
 death at last ! a-sitting over the red hot stove at 
 three o clock in the morning and went to sleep 
 and fell on it and was actually roasted ! Not just frizz 
 led up a bit, but literally roasted to a crisp ! Poor 
 faithful creature, how she was cooked ! I am but a poor 
 woman, but even if I have to scrimp to do it, I will put 
 
176 SKETCHES BT MARK TWAIN. 
 
 up a tombstone over that lone sufferer s grave and Mr. 
 Riley if you would have the goodness to think up a little 
 epitaph to put on it which would sort of describe the aw 
 ful way in which she met her " 
 
 " Put it, Well done, good and faithful servant. " said 
 " M "v, and never smiled. 
 
SCIENCE VS. LUCK. 177 
 
 SCIENCE vs. LUCK. 
 
 AT that time, in Kentucky, (said the Hon. Mr. K ), 
 the law was very strict against what is termed 
 " games of chance." About a dozen of the boys were de 
 tected playing " seven-up " or " old sledge " for money, 
 and the grand jury found a true bill against them. Jim 
 Sturgis was retained to defend them when the case came 
 up, of course. The more he studied over the matter, and 
 looked into the evidence, the plainer it was that he 
 must lose a case at last there was no getting around 
 that painful fact. Those boys had certainly been betting 
 money on a game of chance. Even public sympathy was 
 roused in behalf of Sturgis. People said it was a pity to 
 see him mar his successful career with a big prominent 
 case like this, which must go against him. 
 
 But after several restless nights an inspired idea flashed 
 upon Sturgis, and he sprang out of bed delighted. He 
 thought he saw his way through. The next day he whis 
 pered around a little among his clients, and a few friends, 
 and then when the case came up in court he acknowledged 
 the seven-up and the betting, and, as his sole defence, had 
 the astounding effrontery to put in the plea that old sledge 
 was not a game of chance ! There was the broadest sort 
 
178 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 of a smile all over the faces of that sophisticated audience. 
 The judge smiled with the rest. But Sturgis maintained 
 a countenance whose earnestness was even severe. The 
 opposite counsel tried to ridicule him out of his position, 
 and did not succeed. The judge jested in a ponderous 
 judicial way about the thing, but did not move him. 
 The matter was becoming grave. The judge lost a little 
 of his patience, and said the joke had gone far enough. 
 Jim Sturgis said he knew of no joke in the matter his 
 clients could not be punished for indulging in what some 
 people chose to consider a game of chance until it was 
 proven that it was a game of chance. Judge and counsel 
 said that would be an easy matter, and forthwith called 
 Deacons Job, Peters, Burke, and Johnson, and Dominies 
 Wirt and Miggles, to testify ; and they unanimously and 
 with strong feeling put down the legal quibble of Sturgis 
 by pronouncing that old sledge was a game of chance. 
 
 " What do you call it now ?" said the judge. 
 
 " I call it a game of science !" retorted Sturgis; "and 
 I ll prove it, too ! " 
 
 They saw his little game. 
 
 He brought in a cloud of witnesses, and produced an 
 overwhelming mass of testimony, to show that old sledge 
 was not a game of chance but a game of science. 
 
 Instead of being the simplest case in the world, it had 
 somehow turned out to be an excessively knotty one. 
 The judge scratched his head over it a while, and said 
 ther * v?as no way of coming to a determination, because 
 just as many men could be brought into court who would 
 
SCIENCE VS. LUCK. 179 
 
 testify on one side as could be found to testify on the 
 other. But he said he was willing to do the fair thing 
 by all parties, and would act upon any suggestion Mr. 
 Sturgis would make for the solution of the difficulty. 
 
 Mr. Sturgis was on his feet in a second. 
 
 " Impanel a jury of six of each, Luck versus Science. 
 Give them candles and a couple of decks of cards. Send 
 them into a jury room, and just abide by the result ! " 
 
 There was no disputing the fairness of the proposition. 
 The four deacons and the two dominies were sworn in as 
 the "chance" jurymen, and six inveterate old seven up 
 professors were chosen to represent the " science " side of 
 the issue. They retired to the jury room. 
 
 In about two hours Deacon Peters sent into court to 
 borrow three dollars from a friend. [Sensation.] In 
 about two hours more Dominie Miggles sent into court to 
 borrow a " stake " from a friend. [Sensation.] During 
 the next three or four hours the other dominie and the 
 other deacons sent into court for small loans. And still 
 the packed audience waited, for it was a prodigious oc 
 casion in Bull s Corners, and one in which every father 
 of a family was necessarily interested. 
 
 The rest of the story can be told briefly. About day 
 light the jury came in, and Deacon Job, the foreman, read 
 the following 
 
 VERDICT. 
 
 We, the jury in the case of the Commonwealth of 
 Kentucky vs. John Wheeler et al. } have carefully consid- 
 
180 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 ered the points of the case, and tested the merits of the 
 several theories advanced, and do hereby unanimously 
 decide that the game commonly known as old sledge or 
 seven-up is eminently a game of science and not of 
 chance. In demonstration whereof it is hereby and here 
 in stated, iterated, reiterated, set forth, and made mani 
 fest that, during the entire night, the " chance " men never 
 won a game or turned a jack, although both feats were 
 common and frequent to the opposition; and further 
 more, in support of this our verdict, we call attention to 
 the significant fact that the " chance " men are all busted, 
 and the " science " men have got the money. It is the 
 deliberate opinion of this jury, that the " chance " theory 
 concerning seven-up is a pernicious doctrine, and calcula 
 ted to inflict untold suffering and pecuniary loss upon any 
 community that takes stock in it. 
 
 " That is the way that seven-up came to be set apart 
 and particularized in the statute-books of Kentucky as 
 being a game not of chance but of science, and therefore 
 
 not punishable under the law," said Mr. K . " That 
 
 T erdict is of record, and holds good to this day." 
 
KILLING OF JULIUS CLESAK "LOCALIZED." 181 
 
 THE KILLING OF JULIUS G/ESAft 
 "LOCALIZED." 
 
 BEING THE ONLY TRUE AND RELIABLE ACCOUNT EVER 
 PUBLISHED ; TAKEN FROM THE ROMAN " DAILY EVEN 
 ING FASCES," OF THE DATE OF THAT TREMENDOUS 
 OCCURRENCE. 
 
 "VTOTHING in the world affords a newspaper reporter so 
 L ^ much satisfaction as gathering up the details of a 
 bloody and mysterious murder, and writing them up with 
 aggravating circumstantiality. He takes a living delight 
 in this labour of love for such it is to him, especially if he 
 knows that all the other papers have gone to press, and 
 his will be the only one that will contain the dreadful 
 intelligence. A feeling of regret has often come over me 
 that I was not reporting in Rome when Caesar was killed 
 reporting on an evening paper, and the only one in the 
 city, and getting at least twelve hours ahead of the morn 
 ing paper boys with this most magnificent " item " that 
 ever fell to the lot of the craft. Other events have, hap 
 pened as startling as this, but none possessed so peculiarly 
 all the characteristics of the favourite "item" of the pre 
 sent day, magnified into grandeur and sublimity by the 
 
182 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 high rank, fame, and social and political standing of the 
 actors in it. 
 
 Hewever, as I was not permitted to report Caesar s 
 assassination in the regular way, it has at least afforded 
 me rare satisfaction to translate the following able account 
 of it from the original Latin of the Roman Daily Even 
 ing Fasces of that date second edition. 
 1 
 
 "Our usually quiet city of Rome was thrown into a state of wild excite 
 ment yesterday by the occurrence of one of those bloody affrays which sicken 
 the heart and fill the soul with fear, while they inspire all thinking men 
 with forebodings for the future of a city where human life is held so cheaply, 
 and the gravest laws are so openly set at defiance. As the result of that affray, 
 it is our painful duty, as public journalists, to record the death of one of our 
 most esteemed citizens a man whose name is known wherever this paper 
 circulates, and whose fame it has been our pleasure and our privilege to ex 
 tend, and also to protect from the tongue of slander and falsehood, to the 
 best of our poor ability. We refer to Mr. J. Caesar, the Emperor-elect. 
 
 "The facts of the case, as nearly as our reporter could determine them from 
 the conflicting statements of eye-witnesses, were about as follows : The 
 affair was an election row, of course. Nine-tenths of the ghastly butcheries 
 that disgrace the city now-a-days grow out of the bickerings and jealousies 
 and animosities engendered by these accursed elections. Rome would be 
 the gainer by it if her very constables were elected to serve a century ; for in 
 our experience we have never even been able to thoose a dog-pelter without 
 celebrating the event with a do/u knock-downs and a general cramming of the 
 station-house with drunken vagabond*- c/ver-nig] h. It is said tht when the im 
 mense majority for Caesar at the polls in the market was declared the other day, 
 and the crown was offered to that gentleman, even his amazing unselfishness 
 iu refusing it three times was not sufficient to save him from the whispered 
 insults of such men as Casca, of the Tenth Ward, and the other hirelings of 
 the disappointed candidate, hailing mostly from the Eleventh and Thirteenth 
 and other outside districts, who were overheard speaking ironically and con 
 temptuously of Mr. Caesar s conduct upon that occasion. 
 
 "We are further informed that there are many among us who think they 
 are justifiedin believing thatthe assassination of JuliusCaesar was a put-up thing 
 a cut-and-dried arrangement, hatched by Marcus Brutus and a lot of his 
 hired roughs, and carried out only too faithfully according to the programme 
 Whether there be good grounds for this suspicion or not, we leave the people 
 
KILLING OF JULIUS C^SAR " LOCALIZED. 
 
 to judge for themselves, only asking that they will read the following ac 
 count of the sad occurrence carefully and dispassionately before they render 
 that judgment. 
 
 " The Senate was already in session, and Csesar was coming < i street 
 towards the capitol, conversing with some personal friends, and fuiiowed as 
 usual, by a large number of citizens. Just as he was passing in front of 
 Demosthenes and Thucydides drug-store, he was observing casually to a 
 gentleman, who, our informant thinks, is a fortune-teller, that the Ides of 
 March were come. The reply was, Yes, they are come, but not gone yet. 
 At this moment Artemidorus stepped up and passed the time of day, and 
 asked Cfesar to read a schedule or a tract or something of the kind, which 
 he had brought for his perusal. M. Decius Brutus also said something about 
 an humble suit which he wanted read. Artemidorus begged that attention 
 might be paid to his first, because it was of personal consequence to Csesar. 
 The latter replied that what concerned himself should be read last, or words 
 to that effect. Artemidorus begged and beseeched hiwa to read the paper in 
 stantly.* However, Csesar shook him off, and refused to read any petition 
 in the street. He then entered the capitol and the crowd followed him. 
 
 "About this time the following conversation was overheard, and we con 
 sider that, taken in connection with the events which succeeded it, it bears an 
 appalling significance : Mr. Papilius Lena remarked to George W. Cassius 
 (commonly known as the Nobby Boy of the Third Ward ), a bruiser in the 
 pay of the Opposition, that he hoped his enterprise to-day might thrive ; and 
 when Cassius asked What enterprise? he only closed his left eye tempor 
 arily and said with simulated indifference, Tare you well, and sauntered 
 towards Ceesar. Marcus Brutus who is suspected of being the ringleader of 
 the band that killed Csesar, asked what it was that Lena had said. Cas 
 sius told him, and added in a low tone, J fear our purpose is discovered. 
 
 "Brutus told his wretched accomplice to keep an eye on Lena, and a 
 moment after Cassius urged that lean and hungry vagrant, Casca whose repu 
 tation here is none of the best, to be suddert, for he feared prevention. He 
 then turned to Brutus, apparently much excited, and asked what should be 
 done, and swore that either he or Ceesar should never turn back he would kil 1 
 himself first. At this time Ceesar was talking to some of the back-country 
 members about the approaching fall elections, and paying little attention to 
 what was going on around him. Billy Trebonius got into conversation with 
 the people s friend and Ceesar s Mark Antony and under some pretence or 
 other got him away, and Brutus, Decius, Casca, Cinna, Metellus Cimber, 
 and others rf the gang of infamous desperadoes that infest Rome at present, 
 
 "Mark that : it is hinted by William Shakespeare, who saw the beginning and 
 the end of the unfortunate affray, that this " schedule " was simply a Hote dis 
 covering to Csesar that a plot was brewing to take his life. 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 dosed around the doomed Caesar. Then Metellus Cimber knelt down and 
 begged that his brother might be recalled from banishment, but Csesar re 
 buked him for his fawning conduct, and refused to grant his petition. Im 
 mediately, at Cimber s request, first Brutus and then Cassius begged for the 
 return of the banished Publius ; but Caesar still refused. He said he could 
 not be moved ; that he was as fixed as the North Star, and proceeded to speak 
 in the most complimentary terms of the firmness of that star, and its steady 
 character. Then he said he was like it, and he believed he was the only man 
 in the country that was ; therefore, since he was constant that Cimber 
 should be banished, he was also constant that he should stay banished, 
 and he d be hanged if he didn t keep him so ! 
 
 " Instantly seizing upon this shallow pretext for a fight, Casca sprang at 
 Oaesar and struck him with a dirk, Csesar grabbing him by the arm with his 
 right hand, and launching a blow straight from the shoulder with his left, 
 that sent the reptile bleeding to the earth. He then backed up against 
 Pompey s statue, and squared himself to receive his assailants. Cassius and 
 Cimber and Cinna rushed upon him with their daggers drawn, and the 
 former succeeded in inflicting a wound upon his body ; but before he could 
 strike again, and before either of the others could strike at all, Csesar 
 stretched the three miscreants at his feet with as many blows of his power 
 ful fist. By this time the Senate was in an indescribable uproar ; the throng of 
 citizens in the lobbies had blockaded the doors in their frantic efforts to escape 
 from the building, the sergeant-at-arms and his assistants were struggling 
 with the assassins, venerable senators had cast aside their encumbering robes, 
 and were leaping over benches and flying down the aisles in wild confusion 
 towards the shelter of the committee-rooms, and a thousand voices were 
 shouting Po-lice 1 Po-lice 1 in discordant tones that rose above the frightful 
 din like shrieking winds above the roaring of the tempest. And amid it all, 
 great Ceesar stood with his back against the statue, like a lion at bay, and 
 fought his assailants, weaponless and hand to hand, with the defiant bearing 
 and the unwavering courage which he had shown before on many a bloody 
 field. Billy Trebonius and Caius Legarius struck him with their daggers 
 and fell, as their brother-conspirators before them had fallen. But at last, 
 when Caesar saw his old friend Brutus step forward armed with a murderous 
 knife, it is said he seemed utterly overpowered with grief and amazement, 
 and dropping his invincible left arm by his side, he hid his face in the folds 
 of his mantle and received the treacherous blow without an effort to stay 
 the hand that gave it. He only said, Et tu, Brute T and fell lifeless, on the 
 marble pavement. 
 
 " We learn that the coat deceased had on when he was killed was the 
 same he wore in his tent on the afternoon of the day he overcame the Nervii, 
 and that when it was removed from the corpse it was found to be cut and 
 gaehad in no less than seren different places. There was nothing in th 
 
KILLING OF JULIUS OESAR "LOCALIZED." 185 
 
 pockets. It will be exhibited at the coroner s inquest, and will be damning 
 proof of the fact of the killing. These latter facts may be relied on, as we 
 get them from Mark Antony, whose position enables him to learn every 
 item of news connected with the one subject of absorbing interest of 
 to-day. 
 
 "LATER. While the coroner was summoning a jury, Mark Antony and 
 other friends of the late Caesar got hold of the body, and lugged it off to the 
 Forum, and at last accounts Antony and Brutus were making speeches over 
 it and raising such a row among the people that, as we go to press, the chief 
 of police is satisfied there is going to be a riot, and is taking measures ac 
 cordingly. 
 
 13 
 
186 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 MR BLOKE S ITEM. 
 
 OUR esteemed friend, Mr. John William Bloke, of Vir 
 ginia City, walked into the office where we are sub 
 editor at a late hour last night, with an expression of 
 profound and heartfelt suffering upon his countenance, 
 and sighing heavily, laid the following item reverently 
 npon the desk, and walked slowly out again. He paused 
 a moment at the door, and seemed struggling to com 
 mand his feelings sufficiently to enable him to speak, and 
 then, nodding his head toward his manuscript, ejaculated 
 in a broken voice, " Friend of mine oh ! how sad ! " and 
 burst into tears. We were so moved at his distress that 
 we did not think to call him back and endeavour to com 
 fort him until he was gone and it was too late. The 
 paper had already gone to press, but knowing that our 
 friend would consider the publication of this item im 
 portant, and cherishing the hope that to print it would 
 afford a melancholy satisfaction to his sorrowing heart, 
 we stopped the press at once and inserted it in our 
 columns : 
 
 DISTRESSING ACCIDENT. Last evening, about six o clock, as Mr. William 
 Schuyler, an old and respectable citizen of South Park, was leaving his resi 
 dence to go down town, as has been his usual custom for many years with 
 the exception only of a abort intenral in the spring of 1850, during which he 
 
MR. BLOKE S ITEM. 187 
 
 WM confined to his bed by injuries received in attempting to stop a run 
 away horse by thoughtlessly placing himself directly in its wake and throwing 
 up his hands and shouting, which if he had done so even a single moment 
 sooner, must inevitably have frightened the animal still more instead of 
 checking its speed, although disastrous enough to himself as it was, and 
 rendered more melancholy and distressing by reason of the presence of his 
 wife s mother, who was there and saw the sad occurrence, notwithstanding 
 it is at least likely, though not necessarily so, that she should be reconnoi- 
 tering in another direction when incidents occur, not being vivacious and on 
 the look out, as a general thing, but even the reverse, as her own mother is 
 said to have stated, who is no more, but died in the full hope of a glorious 
 resurrection, upwards of three years ago, aged eighty-six, being a Christian 
 woman and without guile, as it were, or property, in consequence of the 
 fiie of 1849, which destroyed every single thing she had in the world. But 
 sti<h is life. Let us all take warning by this solemn occurrence, and let 
 ut endeavour so to conduct ourselves that when we come to die we can do it. 
 Lvt us place our hands upon our heart, and say with earnestness and 
 sincerity that from this day forth we will beware of the intoxicating 
 bowl. Firtt Edition of the Californian. 
 
 The head editor has been in here raising the mischief, 
 and tearing his hair and kicking the furniture about, 
 and abusing me like a pick-pocket. He says that every 
 time he leaves me in charge of the paper for half an 
 hour, I get imposed upon by the first infant or the first 
 idiot that comes along And he says that that distressing 
 item of Mr, Bloke s is nothing but a lot of distressing 
 bosh, and has no point to it, and no sense in it, and no in 
 formation in it, and that there was no sort of necessity 
 for stopping the press to publish it. 
 
 Now all this comes of being good-hearted. If I had 
 been as unaccommodating and unsympathetic as some 
 people, I would have told Mr. Bloke that I wouldn t re 
 ceive his communication at such a late hour ; but no, his 
 snuffling distress touched my heart, and I jumped at the 
 
188 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 chance of doing something to modify his misery. 1 
 never read his item to see whether there was anything 
 wrong about it, but hastily wrote th e few lines which 
 preceded it, and ent it to the printers. And what has 
 my kindness done for me ? It has done nothing but 
 bring down upon me a storm of abuse and ornamental 
 blasphemy. 
 
 Now I will read that item myself, and see if there is any 
 foundation for all this fuss. And if there is, the author 
 
 of it shall hear from me. 
 
 ********* 
 
 I have read it, and I am bound to admit that it seems 
 a little mixed at a first glance. However, I will peruse 
 
 it once more. 
 
 ********* 
 
 I have read it again, and it does really seem a good deal 
 
 more mixed than ever. 
 
 ********* 
 
 I have read it over five times, but if I can get at the 
 meaning of it, I wish I may get my just deserts. It 
 won t bear analysis. There are things about it which I 
 cannot understand at all. It don t say whatever became 
 of William S <aiyler. It just says enough about him to 
 get one intejsted in his career, and then drops him. Who 
 is William dchuyler, anyhow, and what part of South 
 Park did ne live in, and if he started down town at six 
 o clock, did he ever get there, and if he did, did anything 
 happen to him ? Is he the individual that met with the 
 * distressing accident ?" Considering the elaborate cir- 
 
MR. BLOKE S ITEM. 189 
 
 cumstantiality of detail observable in the item, it seems 
 to me that it ought to contain more information than it 
 loes. On the contrary, it is obscure and not only ob- 
 cure, but utterly incomprehensible. Was the breaking 
 1 Mr. Schuyler s leg, fifteen years ap-o, the " distressing 
 ccident " that plunged Mr. Bloke into unspeakable grief, 
 id caused him to come up here at dead of night and stop 
 r press to acquaint the world with the circumstance ? 
 r did the "distressing accident" consist in the destruc- 
 iou of Schuyler s mother-in-law s property in early times ? 
 )r did it consist in the death of that person herself 
 ,hree years ago ? (albeit it does not appear that she died 
 by accident.) In a word, what did that " distressing acci 
 dent" consist in? What did that drivelling ass of a 
 Schuyler stand in the wake of a runaway horse for, with 
 bis shouting and gesticulating, as if he wanted to stop 
 him ? And how the mischief could he get run over by 
 i horse that had already passed beyond him ? And what 
 re we to take " warning " by ? and how is this extraordin 
 ary chapter of incomprehensibilities going to be a " lesson" 
 to us ? And, above all, what has the intoxicating " bowl " 
 Tot to do with it, anyhow ? It is not stated that Schuyler 
 Irank, or that his wife drank, or that his mother-in-law 
 ( Irank, or that the horse drank wherefore, then, the refer 
 ence to the intoxicating bowl ? It does seem to me that 
 if Mr. Bloke had let the intoxicating bowl alone himself, 
 he never would have got into so much trouble about this 
 exasperating imaginary accident. I have read this absurd 
 item over an* 3 ~ver again, with all its insinuating plau.si- 
 
190 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 , until my head swims ; but I can make neither head 
 nor tail of it. There certainly seems to have been an acci 
 dent of some kind or other, but it is .impossible to deter 
 mine what the nature of it was, or who was the sufferer 
 by it. I do not like to do it, but I feel compelled to re 
 quest that the next time anything happens to one of Mr. 
 Bloke s friends, he will append such explanatory notes to 
 his account of it as will enable me to find out what sort 
 of an accident it was and whom it happened to. I had 
 rather all his friends should die than that I should be 
 driven to the verge of lunacy again in trying to cipher 
 out the meaning of another such production as the above. 
 
A MEDLEVAL ROMANCE. 191 
 
 A MEDIEVAL ROMANCE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. THE SECRET REVEALED. 
 
 IT was night. Stillness reigned in the grand old feudal 
 Castle of Klugenstein. The year 1222 was drawing 
 to a close. Far away up in the tallest of the castle s 
 towers a single light glimmered. A secret council was 
 being held there. The stern old lord of Klugenstein sat 
 in a chair of state meditating. Presently he said, with 
 a tender accent " My daughter ?" 
 
 A young man of noble presence, clad from head to 
 heel in knightly mail, answered " Speak, father !" 
 
 " My daughter, the time has come for the revealing of 
 the mystery that hath puzzled all your young life. 
 Know, then, that it had its birth in the matters which I 
 shall now unfold. My brother Ulrich is the great Duke 
 of Brandenburgh. Our father, on his deathbed, decreed 
 that if no son were born to Ulrich the succession should 
 pass to my house, provided a son were born to me. And 
 further, in case no son were born to either, but only 
 daughters, then the succession should pass to Ulrich s 
 daughter if she prpved stainless; if she did not, my 
 daughter should succeed if she retained a blameless name 
 
192 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Ajid so I and my old wife here prayed fervently for the 
 good boon of a son, but the prayer wais vain. You were 
 born to us. I was in despair. I saw the mighty prize 
 dipping from my grasp the splendid dream vanishing 
 away ! And I had been so hopeful ! Five years had 
 Ulrich lived in wedlock, and yet his wife had borne no 
 heir of either sex. 
 
 " But hold, I said, all is not lost/ A saving scheme 
 had shot athwart my brain. You were born at midnight. 
 Only the leech, the nurse, and six waiting- women kner<? 
 your sex. I hanged them every one before an hour sped 
 Next morning ail the barony went mad with rejoicing 
 over the proclamation that a son was born to Klugensteit 
 an heir to mighty Bradenburgh ! And well the secret 
 has been kept. Your mother s own sister nursed your 
 infancy, and from that time forward we feared nothing. 
 
 " When you were ten years old a daughter was born t 
 Ulrich. We grieved, but hoped for good results from 
 measles, or physicians, or other natural enemies of in 
 fancy, but were always disappointed. She lived, she 
 throve Heaven s malison upon her ! But it is nothing. 
 We are safe. For, ha! ha! have we not a son ? And is 
 not our son the future Duke ? Our well-beloved Con 
 rad, is it not so ? for woman of eight-and-twenty years 
 as you are, my child, none other name than that hath 
 ever fallen to you ! 
 
 " Now it hath come to pass that age hath laid its hand 
 upon my brother, and he waxes feeble. The cares of 
 do tax him sore, therefore he wills that you sha* 1 
 
A MEDIAEVAL ROMANCE. 193 
 
 come to him and be already Duke in act, though not yet 
 in name. Your servitors are ready you journey forth 
 to-night. 
 
 " Now listen well. Remember every word I say. There 
 is a law as old as Germany, that if any woman sit for a 
 single instant in the great ducal chair before she hath been 
 absolutely crowned in presence of the people SHE SHALI 
 DIE ! So heed my words. Pretend humility. Pronounce 
 your judgments from the Premier s chair, which stands 
 at the foot of the throne. Do this until you are crowned 
 and safe. It is not likely that your sex will ever be dis 
 covered, but still it is the part of wisdom to make all 
 things as safe as may be in this treacherous earthly life. 1 
 
 " O my father ! is it for this my life hath been a lie i 
 Was it that I might cheat my unoffending cousin of her 
 rights ? Spare me, father, spare your child ? " 
 
 " What, hussy ! Is this my reward for the august for 
 tune my brain has wrought for thee ? By the bones of 
 my father, this puling sentiment of thine but ill accords 
 with my humour. Betake thee*to the Duke instantly, and 
 beware how thou meddlest with my purpose ! " 
 
 Let this suffice of the conversation. It is enough for 
 us to know that the prayers, the entreaties, and the tears 
 of the gentle-natured girl availed nothing. Neither they 
 nor anything could move the stout old lord of Klugenstein. 
 And so, at last, with a heavy heart, the daughter saw the 
 castle gates close behind her, and found herself riding 
 away in the darkness surrounded by a knightly array of 
 armed vassals and & brave following of servants. 
 
194 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 The old baron sat silent for many minutes after his 
 daughter s departure, and then he turned to his sad wife, 
 and said 
 
 " Dame, our matters seem speeding fairly . It is ful 
 three months since I sent the shrewd and handsome Count 
 Detzin on his devilish mission to my brother s daughter 
 Constance. If he fail we are not wholly safe, but if he 
 do succeed no power can bar our girl from being Duchess, 
 e en though ill fortune should decree she never should be 
 Duke!" 
 
 " My heart is full of bodings ; yet all may still be well." 
 
 " Tush, woman ! Leave the owls to croak. To bed 
 with ye, and dream of Brandenburgh and grandeur ! " 
 
 CHAPTER II. FESTIVITY AND TEARS. 
 
 Six days after the occurrences related in the above 
 chapter, the brillant capitol of the Duchy of Brandenburgh 
 was resplendent with military pageantry, and noisy with 
 the rejoicings of loyal multitudes, for Conrad, the young 
 heir to the crown, was come. The old Duke s heart was 
 full of happiness, for Conrad s handsome person and 
 graceful bearing had won his love at once. The great 
 halls of the palace were thronged with nobles, who 
 welcomed Conrad bravely ; and so bright and happy did 
 all things seem, that he felt his fears and sorrows 
 passing away, and giving place to a comforting content 
 ment. 
 
 But in a remote apartment of the palace a scene of a 
 different nature was transpiring. By a window stood the 
 
A MEDIEVAL ROMANCE. 195 
 
 Duke s only child, the Lady Constance. Her eyes were 
 red and swollen, and full of tears. She was alone. Pre 
 sently she fell to weeping anew, and said aloud 
 
 " The villain Detzin is gone has fled the dukedom ! 
 I could not believe it at first, but, alas ! it is too true. 
 And I loved him so. I dared to love him though I knew 
 the Duke my father would never let me wed him. I 
 loved him but now I hate him t With all my soul I 
 hate him ! Oh, what is to become of me ? I am lost, 
 lost, lost ! I shall go mad !" 
 
 CHAPTER III. THE PLOT THICKENS. 
 
 A few months drifted by. All men published the 
 praises of the young Conrad s government, and extolled 
 the wisdom of his judgments, the mercifulness of his sen 
 tences, and the modesty with which he bore himself in 
 his great office. The old Duke soon gave everything into 
 his hands, and sat apart and listened with proud satisfac 
 tion while his heir delivered the decrees of the crown 
 from the seat of the Premier. It seemed plain that one 
 so loved and praised and honoured of all men as Conrad 
 was could not be otherwise than happy. But, strangely 
 enough, he was not. For he saw with dismay that the 
 Princess Constance had begun to love him ! The love of 
 the rest of the world was happy fortune for him, but 
 this was freighted with danger ! And he saw, moreover, 
 that the delighted Duke had discovered his daughter s 
 passion likewise, and was already dreaming of a marriage. 
 Every day somewhat of the deep sadness that had been 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 in the princess s face faded away ; every day hope an 
 animation beamed brighter from her eye ; and by and b; 
 even vagrant smiles visited the face that had been s 
 troubled. 
 
 Conrad was appalled. He bitterly cursed himself fo 
 having yielded to the instinct that had made him seel 
 the companionship of one of his own sex when he wa 
 new and a stranger in the palace when he was sorrowf u 
 and yearned for a sympathy such as only women can giv 
 or feel. He now began to avoid his cousin. But thi, 
 only made matters worse, for naturally enough, the mor< 
 he avoided her the more she cast herself in his way. H< 
 marvelled at this at first, and next it startled him. Th< 
 girl haunted him ; she hunted him ; she happened upor 
 him at all times and in all places, in the night as well as 
 in the day. She seemed singularly anxious. There wag 
 surely a mystery somewhere. 
 
 This could not go on forever. All the world was talk 
 ing about it. The Duke was beginning to look perplex 
 ed. Poor Conrad was becoming a very ghost through 
 dread and dire distress. One day as he was emerging 
 from a private ante room attached to the picture gallery 
 Constance confronted him, and seizing both his hands in 
 hers, exclaimed 
 
 " Oh, why do you avoid me ? What have I done 
 what have I said, to lose your kind opinion of me for 
 
 surely I had it once ? Conrad, do not despise me, but 
 pity a tortured heart ? I cannot, cannot hold the words 
 unspoken longer, lest they kill me I LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! 
 
A MEDIAEVAL ROMANCE. 197 
 
 There despise me if you must, but they would be ut 
 tered!" 
 
 Conrad was speechless. Constance hesitated a moment, 
 and then, misinterpreting his silence, a wild gladness 
 flamed in her eyes, and she flung her arms about his 
 neck and said 
 
 " You relent ! you relent! You^cm love me you will 
 love me ! Oh, say you will, my own, my worshipped 
 Conrad !" 
 
 Conrad groaned aloud. A sickly pallor overspread 
 his countenance, and he trembled like an aspen. Present 
 ly, in desperation, he thrust the poor girl from him, and 
 cried 
 
 " You know not what you ask ! It is forever and ever 
 impossible !" And then he fled like a criminal, and left 
 the Princess stupified with amazement. A minute after 
 ward she was crying and sobbing there, and Conrad was 
 crying and sobbing in his chamber. Both were in de 
 spair. Both saw ruin staring them in the face. 
 
 By and by Constance rose slowly to her feet and 
 moved away, saying 
 
 " To think that he was despising my love at the very 
 moment that I thought it was melting his cruel heart ! I 
 hate him ! He spurned me did this man he spurned 
 me from him like a dog !" 
 
 CHAPTER IV. THE AWFUL REVELATION. 
 
 Time passed on. A settled sadness rested once more 
 upon the countenance of the good Duke s daughter. F 1 e 
 
198 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 and Conrad were seen together no more now. The DUK< 
 grieved at this. But as the weeks wore away Conrad*! 
 colour came back to his cheeks, and his old-time vivacity 
 to his eye, and he administered the government with i 
 clear ana steadily ripening wisdom. 
 
 Presently a strange whisper began to be heard aboul 
 the palace. It grew Ipuder ; it spread farther. The gos 
 sips of the city got hold of it. It swept the dukedom 
 And this is what the whisper said 
 
 "The Lady Constance hath given birth to a child !" 
 
 When the lord of Klugenstein heard it he swung his 
 plumed helmet thrice around his head and shouted 
 
 " Long live Duke Conrad ! for, lo, his crown is sure 
 from this day forward ! Detzin has done his errand well 
 and the good scoundrel shall be rewarded !" 
 
 And he spread the tidings far and wide, and for eight- 
 and-f orty hours no soul in all the barony but did dance 
 and sing, carouse and illuminate, to celebrate the great 
 event, and all at proud and happy old Klugenstein s ex 
 pense. 
 
 CHAPTER V. THE FRIGHTFUL CATASTROPHE. 
 
 The trial was at hand. All the great lords and barons 
 of Brandenburg were assembled in the Hall of Justice 
 in the ducal palace. No space was left unoccupied 
 where there was room for a spectator to stand or sit. 
 Conrad, clad in purple and ermine, sat in the Premier s 
 chair, and on either side sat the great judges of the realm. 
 The old Duke had sternly commanded that the trial of 
 
A MEDLEVAL EOMANCE. 199 
 
 his daughter should proceed without favour, and then had 
 taken to his bed broken-hearted. His days were num 
 bered. Poor Conrad had begged, as for his very life, 
 that he might be spared the misery of sitting in judge 
 ment upon his cousin s crime, but it did not avaii. 
 
 The saddest heart in all that great assemblage was in 
 Conrad s breast. 
 
 The gladdest was in his father s, for, unknown to his 
 daughter " Conrad," the old Baron Klugenstein was come, 
 and was among the crowd of nobles triumphant in the 
 swelling fortunes of his house. 
 
 After the heralds had made due proclamation and the 
 other preliminaries had followed, the venerable Lord 
 Chief- Justice said " Prisoner, stand forth !" 
 
 The unhappy princess rose, and stood unveiled be 
 fore the vast multitude. The Lord Chief -Justice con 
 tinued 
 
 "Most noble lady, before the great judges of this 
 realm it hath been charged and proven that out of holy 
 wedlock your Grace hath given birth unto a child, and 
 by our ancient law the penalty is death excepting in one 
 sole contingency, whereof his Grace the acting Duke, our 
 good Lord Conrad, will advertise you in his solemn sen 
 tence now ; wherefore give heed." 
 
 Conrad stretched forth his reluctant sceptre, and in the 
 self -same moment the womanly heart beneath his robe 
 yearned pityingly toward the doomed prisoner, and the 
 tears came into his eyes. He opened his lips to speak 
 but the Lord Chief -Justice said quickly 
 
200 
 
 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 " Not there, your Grace, not there ! It is not lawful to 
 pronounce judgment upon any of the ducal line SAVE FROM 
 
 THE DUCAL THRONE f 
 
 A shudder went to the heart of poor Conrad, and a 
 tremor shook the iron frame of his old father likewise. 
 CONRAD HAD NOT BEEN CROWNED dared he profane the 
 throne ? He hesitated and turned pale with fear. But 
 it must be done Wondering eyes were already upon 
 him. They would be suspicious eyes if he hesitated longer. 
 He ascended the throne. Presently he stretched forth the 
 sceptre again, and said 
 
 " Prisoner, in the name of our sovereign Lord Ulrich, 
 Duke of Brandenburgh, I proceed to the solemn duty 
 that hath devolved upon me. Give heed to my words. 
 By the ancient law of the land, except you produce the 
 partner of your guilt and deliver him up to the execu 
 tioner you must surely die. Embrace this opportunity _ 
 save yourself while yet you may. Name the father of 
 your child !" 
 
 A solemn hush fell upon the great court a silence so 
 profound that men could hear their own hearts beat. 
 Then the princess slowly turned, with eyes gleaming 
 with hate, and pointing her finger straight at Conrad 
 said 
 
 " Thou art the man !" 
 
 An appalling conviction of his helpless, hopeless peril 
 struck a chill to Conrad s heart like the chill of death it 
 self. What power on earth could save him ? To disprove 
 the charge he must reveal that he was a woman, and for 
 
A MEDLEVAL KOMANCE. 201 
 
 an uncrowned woman to sit in the ducal chair was death ! 
 At one and the same moment he and his grim old father 
 
 swooned and fell to the ground. 
 
 ********* 
 
 The remainder of this thrilling and eventful story will 
 NOT be found in this or any other publication, either now 
 or at any future time. 
 
 The truth is, I have got my hero (or heroine) into such 
 a particularly close place that I do not see how I am ever 
 going to get him (or her) out of it again, and therefore I 
 will wash my hands of the whole business, and leave that 
 person to get out the best way that offers or else stay 
 there. I thought it was going to be easy enough to straigh 
 ten out that little difficultv, but it looks different now. 
 
202 SKETCHES BY MAKE TWAIN. 
 
 AFTER-DINNER SPEECH. 
 
 [AT A FOURTH-OF-JULY GATHERING, IN LONDON, OF 
 AMERICANS.] 
 
 TI/TR. CHAIRMAN AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: I 
 thank you for the compliment which has just been 
 tendered me, and to show my appreciation of it I will not 
 afflict you with many words. It is pleasant to celebrate 
 in this peaceful way, upon this old mother soil, the anni 
 versary of an experiment which was born of war with 
 this same land so long ago, and wrought out to a success 
 ful issue by the devotion of our ancestors. It has taken 
 nearly a hundred years to bring the English and Ameri 
 cans into kindly and mutually appreciative relations, but 
 I believe it has been accomplished at last. It was a great 
 step when the two last misunderstandings were settled 
 by arbitration instead of cannon. It is another great 
 step when England adopts our sewing machines without 
 claiming the invention as usual. It was another when 
 they imported one of our sleeping cars the other day. 
 And it warmed my heart more than I can tell, yesterday, 
 when I witnessed the spectacle of an Englishman ordering 
 an American sherry cobbler of his own free will and ac- 
 
AFTER-DINNER SPEECH. 203 
 
 cord and not only that but with a great brain and a 
 level head reminding the bar-keeper not to forget the 
 strawberries. With a common origin, a common language, 
 a common literature, a common religion and common 
 drinks, what is longer needful to the cementing of the two 
 nations together in a permanent bond of brotherhood ? 
 
 This is an age of progress, and ours is a progressive 
 land. A great and glorious land, too a land which has 
 developed a Washington, a Franklin, a Wm. M. Tweed, a 
 Longfellow, a Motley, a Jay Gould, a Samuel C. Pomeroy, 
 a recent Congress which has never had its equal (in 
 some respects) and a United States Army which conquered 
 sixty Indians in eight months by tiring them out which 
 is much better than uncivilized slaughter, God knows. 
 We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any 
 in the world ; and its efficiency is only marred by the diffi 
 culty of finding twelve men every day who don t know 
 anything and can t read. And I may observe that we have 
 an insanity plea that would have saved Cain. I think I 
 can say, and say with pride, that we have some legis 
 latures that bring higher prices than any in the world. 
 
 I refer with effusion to our railway system, which con 
 sents to let us live, though it might do the opposite, being 
 our owners. It only destroyed three thousand and seventy 
 lives last year by collisions, and twenty-seven thousand 
 two hundred and sixty by running over heedless and un 
 necessary people at crossings. The companies seriously 
 regretted the killing of these thirty thousand people, and 
 went so far as to pay for some of them voluntarily, of 
 
204 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 course, for the meanest of us would not claim that we 
 possess a court treacherous enough to enforce a law 
 against a railway company. But thank Heaven the 
 railway companies are generally disposed to do the right 
 and kindly thing without compulsion. I know of an in 
 stance which greatly touched me at the time. After an 
 accident the company sent home the remains of a dear 
 distant old relative of mine in a basket, with the remark, 
 " Please state what figure you hold him at and return 
 the basket." Now there couldn t be anything friendlier 
 than that. 
 
 But I must not stand here and brag all night. How 
 ever, you won t mind a body bragging a little about his 
 country on the fourth of July. It is a fair and legitimate 
 time to fly the eagle. I will say only one more word of 
 brag and a hopeful one. It is this. We have a form 
 of government which gives each man a fair chance and 
 no favour. With us no individual is born with a right 
 to look down upon his neighbour and hold him in contempt. 
 Let such of us as are not dukes find our consolation in 
 that. And we may find hope for the future in the fact 
 that as unhappy as is the condition of our political 
 morality to-day, England has risen up out of a far fouler 
 since the days when Charles I. ennobled courtezans and 
 all political place was a matter of bargain and sale. There 
 is hope for us yet. * 
 
 * At least the above is the speech which I was going to make, but our 
 minister, Gen. Schenck, presided, and after the blessing, got up and made 
 ft great long, inconceivably dull harangue, and wound up by saying that mas- 
 
LIONISING MURDERERS. 205 
 
 LIONISING MURDERERS. 
 
 I 
 
 HAD heard so much about the celebrated fortune 
 teller Madame -- , that I went to see her yesterday. 
 She has a dark complexion naturally, and this effect is 
 heightened by artificial aids which cost her nothing. She 
 wears curls very black ones, and I had an impression 
 that she gave their native attractiveness a lift with 
 rancid butter. She wears a reddish check handkerchief, 
 cast loosely around her neck, and it was plain that her 
 other one is slow in getting back from the wash. I pre 
 sume she takes snuff. At any rate, something resembling 
 it had lodged among the hairs sprouting from her upper 
 lip. I know she likes garlic I knew that as soon as she 
 sighed. She looked at me searchingly for nearly a 
 minute, with her black eyes, and then said 
 
 much as speech-making did not seem to exhilarate the guests much, all 
 further oratory would be dispensed with, during the evening, and we could 
 just sit and talk privately to our elbow-neighbours and have a good sociable 
 time. It is known that in consequence of that remark forty-four perfected 
 speeches died in the womb. The depression, the gloom, the solemnity 
 that reigned over the banquet from that time forth will be a lasting memory 
 with many that were there. By that one thoughtless remark Gen. Schenck 
 lost forty-four of the best friends he had in England. More than one said 
 that night, "And this is the sort of person that is sent to represent us in a 
 great sister-empire 1" 
 
206 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 " It is enough. Come ! " 
 
 She started down a very dark and dismal corridor I 
 stepping close after her. Presently she stopped, and said 
 that, as the way was so crooked and dark, perhaps she 
 had better get a light. But it seemed ungallant to allow 
 a woman to put herself to so much trouble for me, and 
 so I said 
 
 " It is not worth while, madam. If you will heave an 
 other sigh, I think I can follow it." 
 
 So we got along all right. Arrived at her official and 
 mysterious den, she asked me to tell her the date of my 
 birth, the exact hour of that occurrence, and the colour 
 of my grandmother s hair. I answered as accurately as 
 I could. Then she said 
 
 " Young man, summon your fortitude do not tremble. 
 I am about to reveal the past." 
 
 " Information concerning the future would be, in a 
 general way, more " 
 
 " Silence ! You have had much trouble, some joy, some 
 good fortune, some bad. Your great-grandfather was 
 hanged." 
 
 " That is a 1 ." 
 
 " Silence ! Hanged, sir. But it was not his fault. He 
 could not help it." 
 
 " I am glad you do him justice." 
 
 "Ah grieve, rather, that the jury did. He was 
 hanged. His star crosses yours in the fourth division, 
 fifth sphere. Consequently you will be hanged also." 
 
 " In view of this cheerful " 
 
LIONISING MURDERERS. 207 
 
 " I must have silence. Yours was not, in the beginning, 
 a criminal nature, but circumstances changed it. At the 
 age of nine you stole sugar. At the age of fifteen you 
 stole money. At twenty you stole horses. At twenty-five 
 you committed arson. At thirty, hardened in crime,. you 
 became an editor. You are now a public lecturer. 
 Worse things are in store for you. You will be sent to 
 Congress. Next, to the penitentiary. Finally, happi 
 ness will come again all will be well you will be 
 hanged." 
 
 I was now in tears. It seemed hard enough to go 
 to Congress ; but to be hanged this was too sad, too 
 dreadful. The woman seemed surprised at my grief. I 
 told her the thoughts that were in my mind. Then she 
 comforted me. 
 
 " Why, man," * she said, " hold up your head you 
 
 * In this paragraph the fortune-teller details the exact history of the Pike- 
 Brown assassination case in New Hampshire, from the succouring and saving 
 of the stranger Pike by the Browns, to the subsequent hanging and coffining 
 of that treacherous miscreant. She adds nothing, invents nothing, exagger 
 ates nothing (see any New England paper for November 1869). This Pike- 
 Brown case is selected merely as a type, to illustrate a custom that prevails, 
 not in New Hampshire alone, but in every State in the union I mean the 
 sentimental custom of visiting, petting, glorifying, and snuffling over mur 
 derers like this Pike, from the day they enter the jail under sentence of 
 death until they swing from the gallows. The following extract from the 
 Temple Bar (1866) reveals the fact that this custom is not confined to the 
 United States: "On December 31st, 1841, a man named John Johnes, a 
 shoemaker, murdered his sweetheart, Mary Hallam, the daughter of a re 
 spectable labourer, at Mansfield, in the county of Nottingham. He was exe 
 cuted on March 23, 1842. He was a man of unsteady habits, and gave way 
 to violent fits of passion. The girl declined his addresses, and he said if he 
 did not have Her no one else should. After he had inflicted the first wound, 
 which was not immediately fatal, she begged for her life, but seeing him 
 
208 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 have nothing to grieve about. Listen. You will live in 
 New Hampshire. In your sharp need and distress the 
 Brown family will succour you such of them as Pike the 
 assassin left alive. They will be benefactors to you. 
 When you shall have grown fat upon their bounty, and 
 are grateful and happy, you will desire to make some 
 modest return for these things, and so you will go 
 to the house some night and brain the whole family with 
 an axe. You will rob the dead bodies of your benefac 
 tors, and disburse your gains in riotous living among the 
 rowdies and courtesans of Boston. Then you will be ar 
 rested, tried, condemned to be hanged, thrown into pri 
 son. Now is your happy day. You will be converted 
 you will be converted just as soon as every effort to com 
 pass pardon, commutation, or reprieve has failed and 
 theni Why then, every morning and every afternoon, 
 the best and purest young ladies of the village 
 will assemble in your cell and sing hymns. This will 
 show that assassination is respectable. Then you will 
 write a touching letter, in which you will forgive all those 
 
 resolved, asked for time to pray He said that he would pray for both, and 
 completed the crime The wounds were inflicted by a shoemaker s knife, 
 and her throat was cut barbarously After this he dropped on his knees some 
 time, and prayed God to have mercy on two unfortunate lovers. He made 
 no attempt to escape, and confessed the crime. After his imprisonment he 
 behaved in the most decorous manner ; he won upon the good opinion of the 
 jail chaplain, and he was visited by the Bishop of Lincoln. It does not ap 
 pear that he expressed any contrition for the crime, but seemed to pass 
 away with triumphant certainty that he was going to rejoin his victim in 
 heaven. He was visited by some pious and benevolent ladies of Nottingham, 
 tome of whom declared he was a child of God, if ever, there was one. One of the 
 ladiu tint Mm a white camelia to wear at his execution." 
 
LIONISING MURDERERS. 209 
 
 recent Browns. This will excite the public admiration. 
 No public can withstand magnanimity. Next, they will 
 take you to the scaffold, with great eclat, at the head of 
 an imposing procession composed of clergymen, officials, 
 citizens generally, and young ladies walking pensively 
 two and two, and bearing bouquets and immortelles. You 
 will mount the scaffold, and while the great concourse 
 stand uncovered in your presence, you will read your 
 sappy little speech which the minister has written for you. 
 And then, in the midst of a grand and impressive silence, 
 
 they will swing you into per Paradise, my son. There 
 
 will not be a dry eye on the ground. You will be a hero ! 
 Not a rough there but will envy you. Not a rough there 
 but will resolve to emulate you. And next, a great pro 
 cession will follow you to the tomb will weep over your 
 remains the young ladies will sing again the hymns 
 made dear by sweet associations connected with the jail, 
 and, as a last tribute of affection, respect, and appreciation 
 of your many sterling qualities, they will walk two and 
 two around your bier, and strew wreaths of flo \vers on it. 
 And lo ! you are canonized. Think of it, son ingrate, 
 assassin, robber of the dead, drunken brawler among 
 thieves and harlots in the slums of Boston one month, 
 and the pet of the pure and innocent daughters of the 
 land the next ! A bloody and hateful devil a bowept, 
 bewailed, and sainted martyr all in a month ! Fool ! 
 so noble a fortune, and yet you sit here grieving." 
 
 " No madame," I said, " you do me wrong, you do in 
 deed. I am perfectly satisfied. I did not know before 
 
210 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 that my great-grandfather was hanged, but it is of no 
 consequence. He has probably ceased to bother about it 
 by this time and I have not commenced yet. I con 
 fess, madame, that I do something in the way of editing 
 and lecturing, but the other crimes you mentioned have 
 escaped my memory. Yet I must have committed them, 
 you would not deceive a stranger. But let the past be 
 as it was, and let the future be as it may these are 
 nothing. I have only cared for one thing. I have al 
 ways felt that I should be hanged some day, and some 
 how the thought has annoyed me considerably; but if 
 you can only assure me that I shall be hanged in New 
 Hampshire " 
 
 " Not a shadow of doubt !" 
 
 " Bless you, my benefactress ! excuse this embrace 
 you have removed a great load from my breast. To be 
 hanged in New Hampshire is happiness it leaves an 
 honoured name behind a man, and introduces him at once 
 into the best New Hampshire society in the other world." 
 
 I then took leave of the fortune-teller. But, seriously, 
 is it well to glorify a murderous villain on the scaffold, as 
 Pike was glorified in New Hampshire ? Is it well to turn 
 the penalty for a bloody crime into a reward ? Is it just 
 to do it ? Is it sate t 
 
A, NEW CKIME. 211 
 
 A NEW CRIME. 
 
 
 d \ 
 
 LEGISLATION NEEDED. 
 
 ~+> 9 
 
 country, during the last thirty or forty years, 
 has produced some of the most remarkable cases of 
 insanity of which there is any mention in history. For 
 instance, there was the Baldwin case, in Ohio, twenty-two 
 years ago. Baldwin, from his boyhood up, had been of a 
 vindictive, malignant, quarrelsome nature. He put a 
 boy s eye out once, and never was heard upon any occa 
 sion to utter a regret for it. He did many such things. 
 But at last he did something that was serious. He called 
 at a house just after dark, one evening, knocked, and 
 when the occupant came to the door, shot him dead, and 
 then tried to escape, but was captured. Two days before, 
 he had wantonly insulted a helpless cripple, and the man 
 he afterward took swift vengeance upon with an assassin 
 bullet had knocked him down. Such was the Baldwin 
 case. The trial was long and exciting : the community 
 was fearfully wrought up. Men said this spiteful, bad- 
 hearted villain had caused grief enough in his time, and 
 now he should satisfy the law. But they were mistaken ; 
 Baldwin was insane when he did the deed they had 
 
 
212 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 not thought of that. By the arguments of counsel it was 
 shown that at half -past ten in the morning on the day of 
 the murder, Baldwin became insane, and remained so for 
 eleven hours and a half exactly. This just covered the 
 case comfortably, and he was acquitted. Thus, if an un 
 thinking and excited community had been listened to in 
 stead of the arguments of counsel, a poor crazy creature 
 would have been held to a fearful responsibility for a 
 mere freak of madness. Baldwin went clear, and although 
 his relatives and friends were naturally incensed against 
 the community for their injurious suspicions and remarks, 
 they said let it go for this time and did not prosecute. 
 The Baldwins were very wealthy. This same Baldwin 
 had momentary fits of insanity twice afterward, and on 
 both occasions killed people he had grudges against. 
 And on both these occasions the circumstances of the 
 killing were so aggravated, and the murders so seemingly 
 heartless and treacherous, that if Baldwin had not been 
 insane he would have been hanged without the shadow 
 of a doubt. As it was, it required all his political and 
 family influence to get him clear in one of the cases, and 
 cost him no less than $10,000 to get clear in the other. 
 One of these men he had notoriously been threatening to 
 kill for twelve years. The poor creature happened, by 
 the merest piece of ill fortune, to come along a dark alley 
 at the very moment that Baldwin s insanity came upon 
 him, and so he was shot in the back with a gun loaded 
 with slugs. 
 
 Take the case of Lynch Hackett, of Pennsylvania, 
 
A NEW CRIME. 213 
 
 Twice, in public, he attacked a German butcher by the 
 name of Bemis Feldner, with a cane, and both times 
 Feldner whipped him with his fists. Hackett was a vain, 
 wealthy, violent gentleman, who held his blood and 
 family in high esteem, and believed that a reverent re 
 spect was due4o his great riches. He brooded over the 
 shame of his chastisement for two weeks, and then, in a 
 momentary fit of insanity, armed himself to the teeth, 
 rode into town, waited a couple of hours until he saw 
 Feldner coming down the street with his wife on his 
 arm, and then, as the couple passed the doorway in 
 which he had partially concealed himself, he drove a 
 knife into Feldner s neck, killing him instantly. The 
 widow caught the limp form and eased it to the earth. 
 Both were drenched with blood. Hackett jocosely re 
 marked to her that as a professional butcher s recent wife 
 she could appreciate the artistic neatness of the job that 
 left her in a condition to marry again, in case she wanted 
 to. This remark, and another which he made to a friend, 
 that his position in society made the killing of an obscure 
 citizen simply an " eccentricity " instead of a crime, were 
 shown to be evidences of insanity, and so Hackett escaped 
 punishment. The jury were hardly inclined to accept 
 these as proofs, at first, inasmuch as the prisoner had 
 never been insane before the murder, and under the tran- 
 quilizing effect of the butchering had immediately re 
 gained his right mind ; but when the defence came to 
 show that a third cousin of Hackett s wife s stepfather 
 was insane, and not only insane, but had a nose the very 
 
214 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 counterpart of Hackett s, it was plain that insanity was 
 hereditary in the family, and Hackett had come by it by 
 legitimate inheritance. Of course the jury then acquitted 
 him. But it was a merciful providence that Mrs. H/s 
 people had been afflicted as shown, else Hackett would 
 certainly have been hanged. * 
 
 However, it is not possible to recount all the marvel 
 lous cases of insanity that have come under the public 
 notice in the last thirty or forty years. There was the 
 Durgin case in New Jersey, three years ago. The servant 
 girl, Bridget Durgin, at dead of night, invaded her mis 
 tress bedroom and carved the lady literally to pieces with 
 a knife. Then she dragged the body to the middle of 
 the floor, and beat and banged it with chairs and such 
 things. Next she opened the feather beds, and strewed 
 the contents around, saturated everything with kerosene, 
 and set fire to the general wreck. She now took up the 
 child of the murdered w r oman in her blood-smeared hands, 
 and walked off, through the snow, with no shoes on, to a 
 neighbour s house a quarter of a mile off, and told a 
 string of wild, incoherent stories about some men coming 
 and setting fire to the house ; and then she cried piteous- 
 ly, and, without seeming to think there was anything 
 suggestive about the blood upon her hands, her clothing, 
 and the baby, volunteered the remark that she was afraid 
 those men had murdered her mistress ! Afterward, by 
 her own confession and other testimony, it was proved 
 that the mistress had always been kind to the girl, con 
 sequently there was no revenge in the murder ; and it 
 
A NEW CRIME. 215 
 
 was also shown that the girl took nothing away from the 
 burning house, not even her own shoes, and consequently 
 robbery was not the motive. Now, the reader says, 
 " Here comes that same old plea of insanity again." But 
 the reader has deceived himself this time. No such plea 
 was offered in her defence. The judge sentenced her, 
 nobody persecuted the Governor with petitions for her 
 pardon and she was promptly hanged. 
 
 There was that youth in Pennsylvania, whose curious 
 confession was published some years ago. It was simply 
 a conglomeration of incoherent drivel from beginning to 
 end, and so with his lengthy speech on the scaffold after 
 ward. Fora whole year he was haunted with a desire to 
 disfigure a certain young woman, so that no one would 
 marry her. He did not love her himself, and did not 
 want to marry her, but he did not want anybody else to 
 do it. He would not go anywhere with her, and yet was 
 opposed to anybody else s escorting her. Upon one oc 
 casion he declined to go to a wedding with her, and when 
 she got other company, lay in wait for the couple by the 
 road, intending to make them go back or kill the escort. 
 After spending sleepless nights over his ruling desire for 
 a full year, he at last attempted its execution that is, 
 attempted to disfigure the young woman. It was a suc 
 cess. It was permanent. In trying to shoot her cheek 
 (as she sat at th* supper table with her parents and 
 brothers and sisters) in such a manner as to mar its 
 comeliness, one of his bullets wandered a little out of its 
 course, and she dropped dead. To the very last moment 
 
216 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 of his life he bewailed the ill luck that made her move 
 her face just at the critical moment. And so he died, 
 apparently about half persuaded that somehow it was 
 chiefly her own fault that she got killed. This idiot was 
 hanged. The pica of insanity was not offered. 
 
 Insanity certainly is on the increase in the world, and 
 
 crime is dying out. There arc no longer any murders 
 
 none worth mentioning, at any rate. Formerly, if you 
 killed a man, it was possible that you were insane but 
 now, if you, having friends and money, kill a man, it is 
 evidence that you are a lunatic. In these days, too, if a 
 person of good family and high social standing steals 
 anything, they call it kleptomania, aad send him to the 
 lunatic asylum. If a person of high standing squanders 
 his fortune in dissipation, and closes his career with 
 strychnine or a bullet, " Temporary Aberration" is what 
 was the trouble with him. 
 
 Is not this insanity plea becoming Bather common ? Is 
 it not so common that the reader confidently expects to 
 see it offered in every criminal case that comes before the 
 courts ? And is it not so cheap, and so common, and 
 often so trivial, that the reader smiles in derision when 
 the newspaper mentions it ? And is it not curious to 
 note how very often it wins acquittal for the prisoner ? 
 Of late years it does not seem possible for a man to so 
 conduct himself, before killing another .man, as not to be 
 manifestly insane. If he talks about the stars, he is 
 insane. If he appears nervous and uneasy an hour be 
 fore the killing, he is insane. If he weeps over a great 
 
A NEW CRIME. 217 
 
 grief, his friends shake their heads, and fear that he is 
 " not right." If, an hour after the murder, he seems ill 
 at ease, pre-occupied and excited, he is unquestionably 
 insane. 
 
 Really, what we want now, is not laws against crime, 
 but a law against insanity There is where thft true 
 evil lies. 
 
218 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 ^ CURIOUS 1 DREAM. 
 
 CONTAINING A MORAL. 
 
 NIGHT before last I had a singular dream. I seemed 
 to be sitting on a door-step (in no particular city 
 perhaps), ruminating, and the time of night appeared to 
 be about twelve or one o clock. The weather was balmy 
 and delicious. There was no human sound in the air, 
 not even a footstep. There was no sound of any kind to 
 emphasize the dead stillness, except the occasional hollow 
 barking of a dog in the distance and the fainter answer 
 of a further dog. Presently up the street 1 heard a 
 bony clack-clacking, and guessed it was the castanets of 
 a serenading party. In a minute more a talJ skeleton, 
 hooded, and half clad in a tattered and mouldy shroud, 
 whose shreds were flapping about the ribby lattice- work 
 of its person, swung by me with a stately stride, and dis 
 appeared in the grey gloom of the starlight. It had a 
 broken and worm-eaten coffin on its shoulder and a bun 
 dle of something in its hand. I knew what the clack- 
 clacking was then ; it was this party s joints working to 
 gether, and his elbows knocking against his sides as he 
 walked. I may say I was surprised. Before I could 
 collect my thoughts and enter upon any speculations as 
 
A CURIOUS DREAM. 219 
 
 to what this apparition might portend, I heard another 
 one coming for I recognized his clack-clack. He had 
 two-thirds of a coffin on his shoulder, and some foot and 
 head-boards under his arm. I mightily wanted to peer 
 under his hood and speak to him, but when he turned 
 and smiled upon me with his cavernous sockets and his 
 projecting grin as he went by, I thought I would not detain 
 him. He was hardly gone when I heard the clacking again, 
 and another one issued from the shadowy half-light. This 
 one was bending under a heavy gravestone, and dragging 
 a shabby coffin after him by a string. When he got to 
 me he gave me a steady look for a moment or two, and 
 then rounded to and backed up to me, saying : 
 
 " Ease this down for a fellow, will you ?" 
 
 I eased the gravestone down till it rested on the ground, 
 and in doing so noticed that it bore the name of " John 
 Baxter Copmanhurst," with " May 1839," as the date of 
 his death. Deceased sat wearily down by me, and wiped 
 his os frontis with his major maxillary chiefly from 
 former habit I judged, for I could not see that he brought 
 away any perspiration. 
 
 " It is too bad, too bad," said he, drawing the remnant 
 of the shroud about him and leaning his jaw pensively 
 on his hand. Then he put his left foot upon his knee 
 and fell to scratching his ankle bone absently with a 
 rusty nail which he got out of his coffin. 
 
 " What is too bad, friend ?" 
 
 Oh, everything, everything. I almost wish I never 
 bad died," 
 
220 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 " You surprise me. Why do you say this ? Has any 
 thing gone wrong ? What is the matter ?" 
 
 "Matter! Look at this shroud rags. Look at this 
 gravestone, all battered up. Look at that disgraceful old 
 coffin. All a man s property going to ruin and destruc 
 tion before his eyes, and ask him if anything is wrong ! 
 Fire and brimstone !" 
 
 " Calm yourself, calm yourself," I said. " It is too bad 
 it is certainly too bad, but then I had not supposed 
 tha t you would much mind such matters, situated as you 
 are" 
 
 " Well, my dear sir, I do mind them. My pride is hurt, 
 and my comfort is impaired destroyed, I might say. I 
 will state my case I will put it to you in such a way 
 that you can comprehend it, if you will let me," said 
 the poor skeleton, tilting the hood of his shroud back, as 
 if he were clearing for action, and thus unconsciously 
 giving himself a jaunty and iestive air very much at vari 
 ance with the grave character of his position in % life so 
 to speak and in prominent contrast with his distressful 
 mood. 
 
 "Proceed," said I. 
 
 " I reside in the shameful old graveyard a block or two 
 above you here, in this street there, now, I just expected 
 that cartilage would let go ! third rib from the bottom, 
 friend, hitch the end of it to my spine with a string, if 
 you have got such a thing about you, though a bit of sil 
 ver wire is a deal pleasanter, and more durable and be 
 coming, if one keeps it polished to think of shredding 
 
A CUEIOUS DREAM. 221 
 
 out and going to pieces in this way; just on account of the 
 indifference and neglect of one s posterity !" and the 
 poor ghost grated his teeth in a way that give me a 
 wrench and a shiver for the effect is mightily increased 
 by the absence of muffling flesh and cuticle. " I reside in 
 that old graveyard, and have for these thirty years ; and 
 I tell you things are changed since I laid this old tired 
 frame there, and turned over, and stretched out for a 
 long sleep, with a delicious sense upon me of being done 
 with bother, and grief, and anxiety, and doubt, and 
 fear, for ever and ever, and listening with comfort 
 able and increasing satisfaction to the sexton s work, from 
 the startling clatter of his first spadeful on my coffin till 
 it dulled away to the faint patting that shaped the roof 
 of my new home delicious ! My ! I wish you could try 
 it to night !" and out of my reverie deceased fetched me 
 with a rattling slap with a bony hand. 
 
 " Yes, sir, thirty years ago I laid me down there, and 
 was happy. For it was out in the country, then out in 
 the breezy, flowery, grand old woods, and the lazy winds 
 gossiped with the leaves, and the squirrels capered over us 
 and around us, and the creeping things visited us, and 
 the birds filled the tranquil solitude with music. Ah, it 
 was worth ten years of a man s life to be dead then ! 
 Everything was pleasant. I was in a good neighbourhood, 
 for all the dead people that lived near me belonged to the 
 best families in the city. Our posterity appeared to think 
 the world of us. They kept our graves in the very best 
 condition; the fences were always in faultless repair, 
 
222 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 head -boards were kept painted or whitewashed, and were 
 replaced with new ones as soon as they began to look 
 rusty or decayed ; monuments were kept upright, railings 
 intact and bright, the rosebushes and shrubbery trimmed, 
 trained, and free from blemish, the walks clean and 
 smooth and gravelled. But that day is gone by. Our de 
 scendants have forgotten us. My grandson lives in a stately 
 house built with money made by these old hands of mine 
 and I sleep in a neglected grave with invading vermin that 
 gnaw my shroud to build them nests withal ! I and friends 
 that lie with me founded and secured the prosperity of 
 this fine city, and the stately bantling of our loves leaves 
 us to rot in a dilapidated cemetery which neighbours curse 
 and strangers scoff at. See the difference between the 
 
 O 
 
 old time and this for instance ; our graves are all caved 
 in, now ; our head- boards have rotted away and tumbled 
 down , our railings reel this way and that, with one foot 
 in the air, after a fashion ot! unseemly levity ; our monu 
 ments lean wearily, and our gravestones bow their heads 
 discouraged, there be no adornments any more no roses, 
 nor shrubs, nor giavelled walks, nor anything that is a 
 comfort to the eye; and even the paintluss old board 
 fence that did make a show ot holding us sacred from 
 the companionship with beasts arid the defilement of 
 heedless feet, has tottered till it overhangs the street, and 
 only advertises the presence of our dismal resting-place 
 and invites yet more derision to it. And now we cannot 
 hide our poverty and tatters in the friendly woods, for 
 the city has stretched its withering arms abroad and 
 
A CURIOUS DREAM. 223 
 
 taken us in, and all that remains of the cheer of our old 
 home is the cluster of lugubrious forest trees that stand, 
 bored and weary of a city life, with their feet in our coffins, 
 looking into the hazy distance and wishing they were 
 there. I tell you it is disgraceful ! 
 
 " You begin to comprehend you begin to see how it 
 is. While our descendants are living sumptuously on our 
 money, right around us in the city, we have to fight hard 
 to keep skull and bones together. Bless you, there isn t 
 a grave in our cemetery that doesn t leak not one. Every 
 time it rains in the night we have to climb out and roost in 
 the trees and sometimes we are wakened suddenly by 
 the chilling water trickling down the back of our necks. 
 Then I tell you there is a general heaving up of old 
 graves and kicking over of old monuments, and scamp 
 ering of old skeletons for the trees ! Bless me, if you 
 had gone along there some such nights after twelve you 
 might have seen as many as fifteen of us roosting on one 
 limb, with our joints rattling drearily and the wind 
 wheezing through our ribs ! Many a time we have 
 perched there for three or four dreary hours, and then 
 come down, stiff and chilled through and drowsy, and 
 borrowed each other s skulls to bale out our graves with 
 if you will glance up in my mouth, now as I tilt my 
 head back, you can see that my head-piece is half full of old 
 dry sediment how top-heavy and stupid it makes me 
 sometimes ! Yes, sir, many a time if you had happened 
 to come along just before the dawn you d have caught us 
 baling out our graves and hanging our shrouds on the 
 
224 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 fence to dry. Why, I had an elegant shroud stolen from 
 there one morning think a party by the name of Smith 
 took it, that resides in a plebeian graveyard over yonder 
 I think so, because the first time I ever saw him he hadn t 
 anything on but a check shirt, and the last time I saw him, 
 which was at a social gathering in the new cemetery,he was 
 the best dressed corpse in the company and it is a signifi 
 cant fact that he left when he saw me ; and presently an 
 old woman from here missed her coffin sLe generally 
 took it with her when she went anywhere, because she 
 was liable to take cold and bring on the spasmodic rheu 
 matism that originally killed her if she exposed herself 
 to the night air too much. She was named Hotchkiss 
 Anna Matilda Hotchkiss you might know her ? She 
 has two upper front teeth, is tall, but a good deal inclined 
 to stoop, one rib on the left side gone, has one shred of 
 rusty hair hanging from the left side of her head, and one 
 little tuft just above and a little forward of her right 
 ear, has her under jaw wired on one side where it had 
 worked loose, small bone of left forearm gone lost in a 
 fight has a kind of swagger in her gait and a gallus 
 way of going with her arms akimbo and her nostrils in 
 the air has been pretty free and easy, and is all damaged 
 and battered up till she looks like a queens- ware crate in 
 ruins maybe you have met her ?" 
 
 " God forbid ! " I involuntarily ejaculated, for somehow 
 I was not looking for that form of question, and it caught 
 me a little off my guard. But I hastened to make amends 
 for my rudeness, and say, " I simply meant I had not had 
 
A CURIOUS DSEAM. 
 
 the honour for I would not deliberately speak discour 
 teously of a friend of yours. You were saying that you 
 were robbed and it was a shame, too but it appears by 
 what is left of the shroud you have on that it was a costly 
 one in its day. How did " 
 
 A most ghastly expression began to develop among the 
 decayed features and shrivelled integuments of my guest s 
 face, and I was begining to grow uneasy and distressed, 
 when he told me he was only working up a deep, sly 
 smile, with a wink in it, to suggest that about the time 
 he acquired his present garment a ghost in a neighbouring 
 cemetery missed one. This reassured me, but I begged 
 him to confine himself to speech thenceforth, because his 
 facial expression was uncertain. Even with the most el 
 aborate care it was liable to miss fire. Smiling should es 
 pecially be avoided. What he might honestly consider a 
 shining success was likely to strike me in a very different 
 light. I said I liked to see a skeleton cheerful, even de 
 corously playful, but I did not think smiling was a skele 
 ton s best hold. 
 
 " Yes ; friend," said the poor skeleton, " the facts are 
 just as I have given them to you. Two of these old grave 
 yards the one that I reside in and one further along have 
 been deliberately neglected by our descendants of to-day 
 until there is no occupying them any longer. Aside from 
 the osteological discomfort of it and that is no light 
 matter this rainy weather the present state of things is 
 ruinous to property. We have got to move or be content 
 to see our eftects wasted away and utterly destroyed 
 
226 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Now, you will hardly believe it, but it is true, neverthe 
 less, that there isn t a single coffin in good repair among 
 all my acquaintance now that is an absolute fact. I dc 
 not refer to low people who come in a pine box mounted 
 on an express waggon, but I am talking about your high 
 toned, silver mounted burial-case, your monumental sort 
 that travel under black plumes at the head of a processior 
 and have choice of cemetery lots I mean folk like the 
 Jarvises, and the Bledsoes and Burlings, and such.- Thej 
 are all about ruined. The most substantial people in oui 
 set, they were. And now look at them utterly used up 
 and poverty-stricken. One of the Bledsoes actually traded 
 his monument to a late bar-keeper for some fresh shavings 
 to put under his head. I tell you it speaks volumes, foi 
 there is nothing a corpse takes so much pride in as his 
 monument. He loves to read the inscription. He comet 
 after awhile to believe what it says himself, and then you 
 may see him sitting on a fence night after night enjoying 
 it. Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world 
 of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard lucl? 
 while he was alive. I wish they were used more. Now 
 I don t complain, but confidentially I do think it was 
 little shabby in my descendants to give me nothing bui 
 this old slab of a gravestone and all the more that there 
 isn t a compliment on it. It used to have 
 
 GONE TO HIS JUST REWARD* 
 
 on it, and I was proud when I first saw it, but by-and- 
 by I noticed that whenever an old friend of mine came 
 
A CUBIOUS DREAM. 227 
 
 along he would hook his chin on the railing and pull a long 
 face and read along down till he came to that, and then 
 he would chuckle to himself and walk off, looking satis 
 fied and comfortable. So I scratched it off to get rid of 
 those fools. But a dead man always takes a deal of pride 
 in his monument. Yonder goes half-a-dozen of the 
 Jarvises, now, with the family monument along. And 
 Smithers and some hired spectres went by with his a 
 while ago. Hello, Higgins, good-bye, old friend ! That s 
 Meredith Higgins died in 44 belongs to our set in the 
 cemetery fine old family great-grandmother was an 
 Injun I am on the most familiar terms with him 
 he didn t hear me was the reason he didn t answer me 
 And I am sorry, too, because I would have liked to in 
 troduce you. You would admire him. He is the most 
 disjointed, sway-backed, and generally distorted old 
 skeleton you ever saw, but he is full of fun. When he 
 laughs it sounds like rasping two stones together, and he 
 always starts it oft with a cheery screech like raking a 
 nail across a window-pane. Hey, Jones ! That is old 
 Columbus Jones shroud cost four hundred dollars- 
 entire trousseau, including monument, twenty-seven 
 hundred. That was in the Spring of 26. It was enor 
 mous style for those days. Dead people came all the 
 way from the Alleghanies to see his things the party 
 that occupied the grave next to mine remembers it well 
 Now do you see that individual going along with a piece 
 of a head-board under his arm, one leg-bone below his 
 knee gone, and not a thing in the world on ? That is 
 
228 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Barstow Dalhousie, and next to Columbus Jones he was 
 the most sumptuously outfitted person that ever entered 
 our cemetery. We are all leaving. We cannot tolerate 
 the treatment we are receiving at the hands of our des 
 cendants. They open new cemeteries, but they leave us 
 to our ignominy. They mend the streets, but they never 
 mend anything that is about us or belongs to us. Look 
 at that coffin of mine yet I tell you in its day it was a 
 piece of furniture that would have attracted attention in 
 an} r drawing-room in this city. You may have it if you 
 want it I can t afford to repair it. Put a new bottom in 
 her, and part of a new top, and a bit of fresh lining along 
 the left side, and you ll find her about as comfortable as 
 any receptacle of her species you ever tried. No thanks 
 no, don t mention it you have been civil to me, and I 
 would give you all the property I have got before I would 
 seem ungrateful. Now this winding-sheet is a kind of a 
 
 sweet tiling in its way, if you would like to . No ? 
 
 Well, just as you say, but I wished to be fair and liberal 
 there s nothing mean about me. Good-by, friend, I must be 
 going. I may have a good way to go to-night don t know. 
 I only know one thing for certain, and that is, that I am 
 on the emigrant trail, now, and I ll never sleep in that 
 crazy old cemetery again. I will travel till I find res 
 pectable quarters, if I have to hoof it to New Jersey, 
 All the boys are going. It was decided in public con-j 
 clave, last night, to emigrate, and by the time the sun rises] 
 there won t be a bone left in our old habitations. Such; 
 cemeteries may suit my surviving friends, but they do 
 
A CURIOUS DREAM. 229 
 
 not suit the remains that have the honour to make these 
 remarks. My opinion is the general opinion. If you 
 doubt it, go and see how the departing ghosts upset 
 things before they started. They were almost riotous in 
 their demonstration of distaste. Hello, here are some of 
 the Bledsoes, and if you will give me. a lift with this 
 tombstone I guess I will join company and jog along with 
 them mighty respectable old family, the Bledsoes, and 
 used to always come out in six-horse hearses, and all that 
 sort of thing fifty years ago when I walked these streets 
 in daylight. Good-by, friend." 
 
 And with his gravestone on his shoulder he joined the 
 grisly procession, dragging his damaged coffin after him, 
 for notwithstanding he pressed it upon me so earnestly, 
 I utterly refused his hospitality. I suppose that for as 
 much as two hours these sad outcasts went clacking by, 
 laden with their dismal effects, and all that time I sat 
 pitying them. One or two of the youngest and least 
 dilapidated among them inquired about midnight trains 
 on the railways, but the rest seemed unacquainted with 
 that mode of travel, and merely asked about common 
 public roads to various towns and cities, some of which 
 are not on the map now, and vanished from it and from 
 the earth as much as thirty years ago, and some few of 
 them never had existed anywhere but on maps, and pri 
 vate ones in real estate agencies at that. And they asked 
 about the condition of the cemeteries in these towns and 
 cities, and about the reputation the citizens bore as to 
 reverence for the dead. 
 
230 SKETCHES BY MABK TWAIN. 
 
 This whole matter interested me deeply, and likewise 
 compelled my sympathy for these homeless ones. And it 
 all seeming real, and I not knowing it was a dream, I 
 mentioned to one shrouded wanderer an idea that had 
 entered my head to publish an account of this curious 
 and very sorrowful exodus, but said also that I could not 
 describe it truthfully, and just as it occurred, without 
 seeming to trifle with a grave subject and exhibit an 
 irreverence for the dead that would shock and distress 
 their surviving friends. But this bland and stately 
 remnant of a former citizen leaned him far over my gate 
 and whispered in my ear, and said : 
 
 " Do not let that disturb you. The community that 
 can stand such graveyards as those we are emigrating 
 from can stand anything a body can say about the neg 
 lected and forsaken dead that lie in them." 
 
 At that very moment a cock crowed, and the weird 
 procession vanished and left not a shred or a bone be 
 hind. I awoke, and found myself lying with my head 
 out of the bed "sagging" downwards considerably a 
 position favourable to dreaming dreams with morals in 
 them, maybe, but not poetry. 
 
 NOTE. The reader is assured that if the cemeteries in his town are kept 
 in good order, this Dream is not levelled at his town at all, but is levelled 
 particularly and venomously at the next town 
 
HE SIAMESE TWINS. 231 
 
 THE SIAMESE TWINS. 
 
 JPO not wish to write of the personal habits of these 
 strange creatures solely, but also of certain curious 
 details of various kinds concerning them, which belong 
 ing only to their private life, have never crept into 
 print. Knowing the Twins intimately, I feel that I am 
 peculiarly well qualified for the task I have taken upon 
 myself. 
 
 The Siamese Twins are naturally tender and affection 
 ate in disposition, and have clung to each other with 
 singular fidelity throughout a long and eventful life. 
 Even as children they were inseparable companions ; and 
 it was noticed that they always seemed to prefer each 
 other s society to that of any other persons. They nearly 
 always played together ; and, so accustomed was their 
 mother to this peculiarity, that, whenever both of them 
 chanced to be lost, she usually only hunted for one of 
 them satisfied that when she found that one she would 
 find his brother somewhere in the immediate neighbour 
 hood. And yet these creatures were ignorant and unlet 
 tered barbarians themselves and the offspring of bar 
 barians, who knew not the light of philosophy and 
 science. What a withering rebuke is this to our boasted 
 
238 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 3ivili0atrion, with its quarrellings, its wranglings, and its 
 separations of brothers I 
 
 As men, the Twins have not always lived in perfect 
 accord ; but still there has always been a bond between 
 them which made them unwilling to go away from each 
 other and dwell apart. They have even occupied tke 
 same house, as a general thing, and it is believed that 
 they have never failed to even sleep together on any 
 night since they were born. How surely do the habits of 
 a lifetime become second nature to us ! The Twins al 
 ways go to bed at the same time ; but Chang usually gets 
 up about an hour before his brother. By an understand 
 ing between themselves, Chang does all thein-door work, 
 and Eng runs all the errands. This is because Eng likes 
 to go out ; Chang s habits are sedentary. However, Chang 
 always goes along. Eng is a Baptist, but Chang is a 
 Roman Catholic ; still, to please his brother, Chang con 
 sented to be baptized at the same time that Eng was, on 
 condition that it should not " count." During the War 
 they were strong partizans, and both fought gallantly all 
 through the great struggle Eng on the Union side and 
 Chang on the Confederate. They took each other prison 
 ers at Seven Oaks, but the proofs of capture were so 
 evenly balanced in favour of each, that a general arrny 
 court had to be assembled to determine which one was 
 properly the captor, and which the captive. The jury was 
 unable to agree for a long time ; but the vexed question 
 was finally decided by agreeing to consider them both 
 prisoners, and then exchanging them. At one time 
 
THE SIAMESE TWIHS. 233 
 
 Chang was convicted of disobedience of orders, and sent 
 enced to ten days in the guard-house, but Eng, in spite 
 of all arguments, felt obliged to share his imprisonment, 
 notwithstanding he himself was entirely innocent ; and 
 so, to save the blameless brother from suffering, they had 
 to discharge both from custody the just reward of faith 
 fulness. 
 
 Upon one occasion the brothers fell out about some 
 thing, and Chang knocked Eng down, and then tripped 
 and fell on him, whereupon both clinched and began to 
 beat and gouge each other without mercy. The bystand 
 ers interferred, and tried to separate them, but they 
 could not do it, and so allowed them to fight it out. In 
 the end both were disabled, and were carried to the hos 
 pital on one and the same shutter. 
 
 Their ancient habit of going always together had its 
 drawbacks when they reached man s estate, and entered 
 upon the luxury of courting. Both fell in love with the 
 same girl. Each tried to steal clandestine interviews with 
 her, but at the critical moment the other would always 
 turn up. By and by Eng saw, with distraction, that 
 Chang had won the girl s affections ; and, from that day 
 forth, he had to bear with the agony of being a witness 
 to all their dainty billing and cooing. But with a mag 
 nanimity that did him infinite credit, he succumbed to his 
 fate, and gave countenance and encouragement to a state 
 of things that bade fair to sunder his generous heart 
 strings. He sat from seven every evening until two in the 
 morning, listening to the fond foolishness of the two 
 
234 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 lovers, and to the concussion of hundreds of squandered 
 kisses for the privilege of sharing only one of which he 
 would have given his right hand. But he sat patiently 
 and waited, and gaped, and yawned, and stretched, and 
 longed for two o clock to come. And he took long walks 
 with the lovers on moonlight evenings sometimes tra 
 versing ten miles, notwithstanding he was usually suffer 
 ing from rheumatism. He is an inveterate smoker ; but 
 he could not smoke on these occasions, because the young 
 lady was painfully sensitive to the smell of tobacco. Eng 
 cordially wanted them married, and done with it ; but 
 although Chang often asked the momentous question, 
 the young lady could not gather sufficient courage to 
 answer it while Eng was by. However, on one occasion, 
 after having walked some sixteen miles, and sat up till 
 nearly daylight, Eng dropped asleep, from sheer exhaus- 
 ti on, and then the question was asked and answered. The 
 lovers were married. All acquainted with the circum 
 stances applauded the noble brother-in-law. His unwav 
 ering faithfulness was the theme of every tongue. He had 
 stayed by them all through their long and arduous court 
 ship ; and when at last they were married, he lifted his 
 hands above their heads, and said with impressive UUQ- 
 tion, " Bless ye, my children, I will never desert ye ! * and 
 he kept his word. Fidelity like this is all too rare in this 
 cold world. 
 
 By and by Eng fell in love with his sister-in law s 
 sister, and married her, and since that day they have all 
 lived together, night and day, in an exceeding sociability 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAH?. 235 
 
 which is touching and beautiful to behold, and is a scath 
 ing rebuke to our boasted civilization. 
 
 The sympathy existing between these two brothers is 
 so close and so refined that the feelings, the impulses, the 
 emotions of the one are instantly experienced by the other. 
 When one is sick, the other is sick , when one feels pain, 
 the other feels it ; when one is angered, the other s temper 
 takes fire. We have already seen with what happy facil 
 ity they both fell in love with the same girl. Now, Chang 
 is bitterly opposed to all forms of intemperance, on princi 
 pal; but Eng is the reverse for, while these men s feel 
 ings and emotions are so closely wedded, their reasoning 
 faculties are unfettered ; their thoughts are free. Chang 
 belongs to the Good Templars, and is a hard working, en 
 thusiastic supporter of all temperance reforms. But, to 
 his bitter distress, every now and then Eng gets drunk, 
 and, of course, that makes Chang drunk too This un 
 fortunate thing has been a great sorrow to Chang, for it 
 almost destroys his usefulness in his favourite field of effort. 
 As sure as he is to head a great temperance procession 
 Eng ranges up alongside of him, prompt to the minute, 
 and drunk as a lord ; but yet no more dismally and hope 
 lessly drunk than his brother, who has not tasted a drop. 
 And so the two begin to hoot and yell, and throw mud 
 and bricks at the Good Templars , and of course they 
 break up the procession. It would be manifestly wrong 
 to punish Chang for what Eng does, and, therefore, the 
 Good Templars accept the untoward situation, and suffer 
 ip silence and sorrow. They have officially and deliber- 
 
, 2 36 THE SIAMESE TWINS. 
 
 ately examined into the matter, and find Chang blameless. 
 They have taken the two brothers and filled Chang full 
 of warm water and sugar and Eng full of whiskey, and 
 in twenty-five minutes it was not possible to tell which 
 was the drunkest. Both were as drunk as loons and on 
 hot whiskey punches, by the smell of their breath. Yet 
 all the while Chang s moral principles were unsullied, his 
 conscience clear ; and so all just men were forced to con 
 fess that he was not morally, but only physically drunk. 
 By every right and by every moral evidence the man was 
 strictly sober ; and, therefore, it caused his friends all the 
 more anguish to see him shake hands with the pump, and 
 try to wind his watch with his night-key. 
 
 There is a moral in these solemn warnings or, at least, 
 a warning in these solemn morals ; one or the other. No 
 matter, it is somehow. Let us heed it ; let us profit by 
 it. 
 
 I could say more of an instructive nature about these 
 interesting beings, but let what I have written suffice. 
 
 Having forgotten to mention it sooner, I will remark in 
 conclusion, that the ages of the Siamese Twins are respec 
 tively fifty-one and fifty-three years. 
 
SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET IN 
 LONDON. 
 
 AT the anniversary festival of the Scottish Corporation 
 of London on Monday evening, in response to the 
 toast of " The Ladies," MARK TWAIN replied. The follow 
 ing is the speech as reported in the London Observer : 
 
 "I am proud, indeed, of the distinction of being chosen to respond to 
 this especial toast, to The Ladies, or to women if you please, for that is the 
 preferable term, perhaps ; it is certainly the older, and therefore the more 
 entitled to reverence. (Laughter. ) I have noticed that the Bible, with that 
 plain, blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous characteristic of the Scrip 
 tures, is always particular to never refer to even the illustrious mother of all 
 mankind herself as a lady, but speaks of her as a woman. (Laughter.) It 
 is odd, but you will find it is so. I am peculiarly proud of this honour, be 
 cause I think that the toast to women is one which, by right and by every 
 rule of gallantry, should take precedence of all others of the army of the 
 navy, of even royalty itself perhaps, though the latter is not necessary in 
 this day and in this land, for the reason that, tacitly, you do drink a broad 
 general health to all good women when you drink the health of the Queen 
 of England and the Princess of Wales. (Loud cheers.) I have in mind a 
 poem just now which is familiar to you all, familiar to everybody.. And 
 what an inspiration that was (and how instantly the present toast recalls 
 the verses to all our minds) when the most noble, the most gracious, the 
 purest, and sweetest of all poets says : 
 
 " Woman ! O woman ! er 
 Worn 
 
 (Laughter ) However, you remember the lines ; and you remember hov/ 
 feelingly, how daintily, how almost imperceptibly, the verses raise up befora 
 you, feature by feature, the ideal of a true and perfect woman; and how, as 
 
238 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 you contemplate the finished marvel, your homage grows into worship of 
 the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of mere breath, mere words. 
 And you call to mind now, as I speak, how the poet, with stern fidelity 
 to the history of all humanity, delivers this beautiful child of his heart and 
 his brain over to the trials and the sorrows that must come to all, sooner or 
 later, that abide in the earth, and how the pathetic story culminates in 
 that apostrophe so wild, so regretful, so full of mournful retrospection. 
 The lines run thus : 
 
 " Alas ! alas ! a alas ! 
 Alas ! alas ! 
 
 and so on. (Laughter.) I do not remember the rest; but, taken alto 
 gether, it seems to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman that 
 human genius has ever brought forth (laughter) and I feel that if I were 
 to talk hours I could not do my great theme completer or more graceful 
 justice than I have now done in simply quoting that poet s matchless words. 
 (Renewed laughter.) The phases of the womanly nature are infinite in their 
 variety Take any type of woman, and you shall find in it something to 
 respect, something to admire, something to love. And you shall find the 
 whole joining you heart and hand. Who was more patriotic than Joan of 
 Arc ? Who was braver ? Who has given us a grander instance of self sacri 
 ficing devotion? Ah ! you remember, you remember well, what a throb of 
 pain, what a great tidal wave of grief swept over us all when Joan of Arc 
 fell at Waterloo (Much laughter.) Who does not sorrow for the loss of 
 Sappho, the sweet singer of Israel ? (Laughter. ) Who among us does not 
 miss the gentle ministrations, the softening influences, the humble piety, of 
 Lucretia Borgia? (Laughter.) Who can join in the heartless libel that 
 says woman is extravagant in dress when he can look back and call to mind 
 our simple and lowly mother Eve arrayed in her modification of the High 
 land costume. (Roan of laughter.) Sir, women hft"ebeen soldiers, women 
 have been painters, women have been poets. As ioi.g as language lives the 
 name of Cleopatra will live. And not because she conquered George I 1. 
 (laughter) but because she wrote those divine lines 
 
 " Let dogs delight to bark and bite, 
 For God hath made them so. 
 
 (More laughter.) The story of the world is adorned with the names of il 
 lustrious ones of our own sex some of them sons of St. Andrew, too Scott, 
 Bruce, Burns, the warrior Wallace, Ben Nevis (laughter) the gifted Ben 
 Lomond, and the great new Scotchman, Ben Disraeli.* (Great laughter.) 
 
 Mr. Benjamin Disraeli, at that time Prime Minister of England, had 
 j list been elected Lord Rector of Glasgow University, and had made a speech 
 which gave rise to a -world of discussion. 
 
SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET. 239 
 
 Out of the great plains of history tower whole mountain ranges of sublime 
 women the Queen of Sheba, Josephine, Semiramis, Sairey Gamp ; the 
 list is endless (laughter) but I will not call the mighty roll, the names 
 rise Up in your own memories at the mere suggestion, luminous with the 
 glory of deeds that cannot die, hallowed by the loving worship of the good 
 and the true of all epochs and all climes. (Cheers.) Suffice it for our 
 pride and our honour that we in our day have added to it such names as 
 those of Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale. (Cheers. ) Woman is 
 all that she should be gentle, patient, long suffering, trustful, unselfish, full 
 of generous impulses. It is her blessed mission to comfort the sorrowing, 
 plead for the erring, encourage the faint of purpose, succour the distressed, 
 uplift the fallen, befriend the friendless in a word, afford the healing of her 
 sympathies and a home in her heart for all the bruised and persecuted chil 
 dren of misfortune that knock at its hospitable door. (Cheers.) And when 
 I say, God bless her, there is none among us who has known the ennobling 
 affection of a wife, or the steadfast devotion of a mother but in his heart 
 will say, Amen 1 (Loud and prolonged cheering.) 
 
24)0 SKETCHES BY MAKE TWAIN. 
 
 A GHOST STORY. 
 
 I TO OK a large room, far up Broadway, in a huge old 
 building whose upper stories had been wholly unoc 
 cupied for years, until I came. The place had long been 
 given up to dust and cobwebs, to solitude and silence. 1 
 seemed groping among the tombs and invading the privacy 
 of the dead, that first night I climbed up to my quarters. 
 For the first time in my life a superstitious dread came 
 over me ; and as I turned a dark angle of the stairway 
 and an invisible cobweb swung its slazy woof in my face 
 and clung there, I shuddered as one who had encountered 
 a phantom. I was glad enough when I reached my room 
 and locked out the mould and the darkness. A cheery 
 fire was burning in the grate, and I sat down before it 
 with a comforting sense of relief. For two hours I sat 
 there, thinking of bygone times ; recalling old scenes , 
 and summoning half iorgotten laces out o, the 
 mist of the past; listening in fancy to voices 
 that long ago grew silent for all time, and to once 
 familiar songs that nobody sings now. And as my 
 reverie softened down to a sadder and sadder pathos, the 
 shrieking of the winds outside softened to a wail, the 
 angry beating of the rain against the panes diminished 
 
A GHOS1 STORY. 241 
 
 to a tranquil patter, and one by one the noises in the 
 street subsided, until the hurrying footsteps of the last 
 belated straggler died away in the distance and left no 
 sound behind. 
 
 The fire had burned low. A sense of loneliness crept 
 over me. I arose and undressed, moving on tip-toe about 
 the room, doing stealthily what I had to do, as if I were 
 environed by sleeping enemies whose slumbers it would 
 be fatal to break. I covered up in bed, .and lay listening 
 to the rain and wind and the faint creaking of distant 
 shutters, till they lulled me to sleep. 
 
 I slept profoundly, but how long I do not know. All 
 at once I found myself awake, and filled with a shudder 
 ing expectancy. All was still. All but my own heart 
 I could hear it beat. Presently the bed clothes began to 
 slip away slowly toward the foot of the bed, as if some one 
 were pulling them ! I could not stir ; I could not speak. 
 Still the blankets slipped deliberately away, till my breast 
 was uncovered. Then with a great effort I seized them 
 and drew them over my head. I waited, listened, wait 
 ed. Once more that steady pull began, and once more I 
 lay torpid a century of dragging seconds till my breast 
 was naked again. At last I roused my energies and 
 snatched the covers back to their place and held them 
 with a strong grip. I waited. By and bye I felt a faint 
 tug, and took a fresh grip. The tug strengthened to a 
 steady strain it grew stronger and stronger. My hold 
 parted, and for the third time the blankets slid away. 
 I groaned. An answering groan came from the foot of 
 
242 SKETCHES Bl MARK TWAIN. 
 
 the bed ! Beaded drops of sweat stood upon my forehead. 
 I was more dead than alive. Presently I heard a heavy 
 footstep in my room the step of an elephant, it seemed 
 to me it was not like anything human. But it was 
 moving from me there was relief in that. I heard 
 it approach the door pass out without moving bolt 
 or lock and wander away among the dismal corri 
 dors, straining the floors and joists till they creaked 
 again as it passed and then silence reigned once 
 more. 
 
 When my excitement had calmed, I said to myself, 
 " This is a dream simply a 4iideous dream." And so I 
 lay thinking it over until I convinced myself that it was 
 a dream, and then a comforting laugh relaxed my lips 
 and I was happy again. I got up and struck a light ; and 
 when I found that the locks and bolts were just as I had 
 left them, another soothing laugh welled in my heart and 
 rippled from my lips. I took my pipe and lit it, and was 
 just sittting down before the fire, when down went the 
 pipe out of my nerveless fingers, the blood forsook my 
 cheeks, and placid breathing was cut short with a gasp ! 
 In the ashes on the hearth, side by side with my own 
 bare footprint, was another, so vast that in comparison 
 mine was but an infant s ! Then I had had a visitor, and 
 the elephantine tread was explained. 
 
 I put out the light and returned to bed, palsied with 
 fear. I lay a long time, peering into the darkness, and 
 listening. Then I heard a grating noise overhead, like 
 the dragging of a heavy body across the floor; then the 
 
A GHOST STORY. 243 
 
 throwing down of the body, and the shaking of my win 
 dows in response to the concussion. In distant parts of 
 the building I heard the muffled slamming of doors. I 
 heard, at intervals, stealthy footsteps creeping in and out 
 among the corridors, and up and down the stairs. Some 
 times these noises approached my door, hesitated, and 
 went away again. I heard the clanking of chains faintly 
 in remote passages, and listened while the clan king- 
 grew nearer while it wearily climbed the stairways, 
 marking each move by the loose surplus of chain that f el] 
 with an accented rattle upon each succeeding step as the 
 goblin that bore it advanced. I heard muttered sen 
 tences; half -uttered screams that seemed smothered 
 violently ; and the swish of invisible garments, the rush 
 of invisible wings. Then I became conscious that my 
 chamber was invaded that I was not alone. I heard sighs 
 and breathings about my bed, and mysterious whisperings. 
 Three little spheres of soft phosphorescent light appeared 
 on the ceiling directly over my head, clung and glowed 
 there a moment, and then dropped two of them upon 
 my face and one upon the pillow They spattered, liquid- 
 ly, and felt warm. Intuition told me they had turned to 
 gouts of blood as they fell I needed no light to 
 satisfy myself of that. Then I saw pallid faces, dimly 
 luminous, and white uplifted hands, floating bodiless in 
 the air, floating a moment and then disappearing. The 
 whispering ceased, and the voices and the sounds, and a 
 solemn stillness followed. I waited, and listened. I felt 
 that I must have light, or die. I was weak with fear. 
 
 
244 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 I slowly raised myself toward a sitting posture, and my 
 face came in contact with a clammy hand ! All strength 
 went from me, apparently, and I fell back like a stricken 
 invalid. Then I heard the rustle of a garment it seemed 
 to pass to the door and go out. 
 
 When everything was still once more, I crept out of 
 bed, sick and feeble, and lit the gas with a hand that 
 trembled as if it were aged with a hundred years. The 
 light brought some little cheer to my spirits. I sat down 
 and fell into a dreamy contemplation of that great foot 
 print in the ashes. By and bye its outlines began to 
 waver and grow dim. I glanced up and the broad gas 
 name was slowly wilting away. In the same moment I 
 heard that elephantine tread again. I noted its approach, 
 nearer and nearer, along the musty halls, and dimmer and 
 dimmer the light waned. The tread reached my very door 
 and paused the light had dwindled to a sickly blue, and all 
 things about me lay in a spectral twilight. The door did 
 not open, and yet I felt a faint gust of air fan my cheek, 
 and presently was conscious of a huge, cloudy presence 
 before me. I watched it with fascinated eyes. A pale 
 glow stole over the Thing ; gradually its cloudy folds took 
 .-shape an arm appeared, then legs, then a body, and 
 last a great sad face looked out of the vapour. Stripped 
 of its filmy housings, naked, muscular and comely, the 
 majestic Cardiff Giant loomed above me ! 
 
 All my misery vanished for a child might know that no 
 harm could come with that benignant countenance. My 
 cheerful spirits returned at once, and in sympathy with 
 
A GHOST STORY. 245 
 
 them the gas flamed up brightly again. Never a lonely 
 outcast was so glad to welcome company as I was to greet 
 the friendly giant. I said : 
 
 " Why, is it nobody but you ? Do you know, I have 
 been scared to death for the last two or three hours 
 I am most honestly glad to see you. I wish I had a 
 
 chair . Here, here, don t try to sit down in that 
 
 thing!" 
 
 But it was too late. He was in it before I could stoj. 
 him, and down he went I never saw a chair shivered 
 so in my life. 
 
 " Stop, stop, you ll ruin ev " 
 
 Too late again. There was another crash, and another 
 chair was resolved into its original elements. 
 
 " Confound it, haven t you got any judgment at all ? 
 Do you want to ruin all the furniture on the place ? Here, 
 here, you petrified fool " 
 
 But it was no use. Before I could arrest him he had 
 sat down on the bed and it was a melancholy ruin. 
 
 " Now what sort of a way is that to do ? First you 
 come lumbering about the place bringing a legion of vaga 
 bond goblins along with you to worry me to death, and 
 then when I overlook an indelicacy of costume which 
 would not be tolerated anywhere by cultivated people ex 
 cept in a respectable theatre, and not even there if the 
 nudity were of your sex, you repay me by wrecking all 
 the furniture you can find to sit down on. And why will 
 you ? You damage yourself as much as you do me. You 
 have broken off the end of your spinal column, and littered 
 
246 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 up the floor with chips off your hams till the place looks 
 like a marble yard. You ought to be ashamed of your 
 self you are big enough to know better." 
 
 " Well, I will not break any more furniture. But what 
 am I to do ? I have not had a chance to sit down for a 
 century." And the tears came into his eyes. 
 
 " Poor devil," I said, "I should not have been so harsh 
 with you. And you are an orphan, too, no doubt. But 
 sit down on the floor here nothing else can stand your 
 weight and besides, we cannot be sociable with you away 
 up there above me , I want you down where I can perch 
 on this high counting-house stool and gossip with you 
 face to face." 
 
 So he sat down on the floor, and lit a pipe which I gave 
 him, threw one of my red blankets over his shoulders, in 
 verted my sitz-bath on his head, helmet fashion, and made 
 himself picturesque and comfortable. Then he crossed 
 his ankles, while I renewed the fire, and exposed the flat, 
 honey-combed bottoms of his prodigious feet to the grate 
 ful warmth. 
 
 " What is the matter with ^he bottom of your feet and 
 the back of your legs, that they are gouged up so ?" 
 
 " Infernal chilblains I caught them clear up to the 
 back of my head, roosting out there under Newell s farm. 
 But I love the place ; I love it as one loves his old home. 
 There is no peace for me like the peace I feel when I am 
 there." 
 
 We talked along for half an hour, and then I noticed 
 that he looked tired, and spoke of it. 
 

 
 A GHOST STORY. 247 
 
 " Tired ?" he said. " Well I should think so. And now 
 I will tell you all about it, since you have treated 
 me so well. I am the spirit of the Petrified Man 
 that lies across the street there in the Museum. I 
 am the ghost of the Cardiff Giant. I can have 
 no rest, no peace, till they have given that poor body 
 burial again. Now what was the most natural thing for 
 me to do, to make men satisfy this wish ? Terrify them 
 into it ! haunt the place where the body lay ! So I haunt 
 ed the museum night after night. I even got other spirits 
 to help me. But it did no good, for nobody ever came to 
 the museum at midnight. Then it occured to me to come 
 over the way and haunt this place a little. I felt that if 
 I ever got a hearing I must succeed, for I had the most 
 efficient company that perdition could furnish. Night 
 after night we have shivered around through these mil 
 dewed halls, dragging chains, groaning, whispering, tramp 
 ing up and down stairs, till to tell you the truth I am 
 almost worn out But when I saw a light in your 
 room to-night I roused my energies again and went at 
 it with a deal of the old freshness. But I am tired out 
 entirely fagged out. Give me, I beseech you, give me 
 some hope ! " 
 
 I lit off my perch in a burst of excitement, and ex 
 claimed : 
 
 " This transcends everything : everything that ever did 
 occur ! Why you poor blundering old fossil, you have 
 had all your trouble for nothing you have been haunt 
 ing a plaster cast of yourself the real Cardiff Giant is 
 
248 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 in Albany!* Confound it, don t you know your own 
 remains ?" 
 
 I never saw such an eloquent look of shame, of pitiable 
 humiliation, overspread a countenance before. 
 
 The Petrified Man rose slowly to his feet, and said : 
 
 " Honestly, is that true ?" 
 
 " As true as I am sitting here." 
 
 He took the pipe from his mouth and laid it on the 
 mantel, then stood irresolute a moment (unconsciously, 
 from old habit, thrusting his hands where his pantaloons 
 pockets should have been, and meditatively dropping his 
 chin on his breast), and finally said : 
 
 " Well I never felt so absurd before. The Petrified 
 Man has sold everybody else, and now the mean fraud 
 has ended by selling its own ghost ! My son, if there is 
 any charity left in your heart for a poor friendless phan 
 tom like me, don t let this get out. Think how you would 
 feel if you had made such an ass of yourself." 
 
 I heard his stately tramp die away, step by step down 
 the stairs and out into the deserted street, and felt sorry 
 that he was gone, poor fellow and sorrier stil^ that he 
 had carried off my red blanket and my bath-tub. 
 
 * A fact. The original fraud was ingeniously and fraudfully duplicated, 
 and exhibited in New York as the "only genuine" Cardiff Giant, (to 
 unspeakable disgust of the owners of the real colossus, ) at the very same 1 
 that the latter was drawing crowds at a museum in Albany. 
 
THE CAPITOLINE VENtFS. 249 
 
 o 
 
 THE CAPITOLINE YENTJS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 [Scene An Artist s Studio in Rom*.} 
 
 [, George, I do love you !" 
 
 " Bless your dear heart, Mary, I know that why 
 is your father so obdurate ?" 
 
 " Georgy, he means well, but art is folly to him he only 
 understands groceries. He thinks you would starve me." 
 
 " Confound his wisdom it savours of inspiration. Why 
 am I not a money-making, bowelless grocer, instead of a 
 divinely-gifted sculptor with nothing to eat?" 
 
 " Do not despond, George, dear all his prejudices will 
 fade away as soon as you shall have acquired fifty thous 
 and dol " 
 
 "Fifty thousand demons ! Child, I am in arrears for 
 
 my board T 
 
 CHAPTER n. 
 
 [Scene A Dwelling in Some.} 
 
 "My dear sir, it is useless to talk. I haven t anything 
 against you, but I can t let my daughter marry a hash 
 of love, art, and starvation I believe you have nothing 
 else to offw." 
 
250 SKETCHES BY MABK TWAIN. 
 
 " Sir, I am poor, I grant you. But is fame nothing ? 
 The Hon. Bellamy Foodie, of Arkansas, says that my 
 new statue of America is a clever piece of sculpture, and 
 he is satisfied tha.t my name will one day be famous." 
 
 " Bosh ! What does that Arkansas ass know about it ? 
 Fame s nothing the market price of your marble scare 
 crow is the thing to look at. It took you six months to 
 chisel it, and you can t sell it for a hundred dollars. No, 
 sir ! Show me fifty thousand dollars and you can have 
 my daughter otherwise she marries young Simper. You 
 have just six months to raise the money in. Good morn 
 ing, sir." 
 
 "Alas I Woe is me r 
 
 CHAPTER m. 
 
 [Scene The Studio.] 
 
 "Oh, John, friend of my boyhood, I am the unhappiest 
 of men." 
 
 " You re a simpleton !" 
 
 " I have nothing left to love but my poor statue of 
 America and see, even she has no sympathy for me in her 
 cold marble countenance so beautiful and so heartless ! 
 
 " You re a dummy !" 
 
 "Oh, John!" 
 
 " Oh, fudge ! Didn t you say you had six months to 
 raise the money in ?" 
 
 "Don t deride my agony, John. If I had six centuries 
 what good would it do? How could it help a poor 
 wretch without name, capital or friends ? 
 
THE CAPITOLINE VENUS. 251 
 
 "Idiot! Coward! Baby! Six months to raise the 
 money in and five will do 1" 
 
 " Are you insane ?" 
 
 "Six months an abundance. Leave it to me. I ll 
 raise it." 
 
 " What do you mean, John ? How on earth can you 
 raise such a monstrous sum for me ?" 
 
 " Will you let that be my business, and not meddle ? 
 Will you leave the thing in my bands ? Will you swear 
 to submit to whatever I do ? Will you pledge me to 
 find no fault with my actions ?" 
 
 "I am dizzy bewildered but I swear." 
 
 John took up a hammer and deliberately smashed the 
 nose of America ! He made another pass and two of her 
 fingers fell to the floor another, and part of an ear came 
 awa y another, and a row of toes was mangled and dis 
 membered another, and the left leg, from the knee 
 down, lay a fragmentary ruin ! 
 
 John put on his hat arid departed. 
 
 George gazed speechless upon the battered and gro 
 tesque nightmare before him for the space of thirty 
 seconds, and then wilted to the floor and went into con 
 vulsions. 
 
 John returned presently with a carriage, got the brok 
 en-hearted artist and the broken-legged statue aboard, 
 and drove off, whistling low and tranquilly. He left the 
 artist at his lodgings, and drove oft and disappeared down 
 the Via Quirincdis with the statue. 
 
 
252 SKETCHES BY MAKK TWAI&. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 [Scene The Studio.] 
 
 " The six months will be up at two o clock to-day ! Oh, 
 agony ! My life is blighted. I would that I were dead. 
 I had no supper yesterday. I have had no breakfast 
 to-day. I dare not enter an eating-house. And hungry ? 
 don t mention it ! My bootmaker duns me to death my 
 tailor duns me my landlord haunts me. I am miserable. 
 I haven t seen John since that awful day. She smiles on 
 me tenderly when we meet in the great thoroughfares, 
 but her old flint of a father makes her look in another 
 direction in short order. Now who is knocking at that 
 door ? Who is come to persecute me ? That malignant 
 villain, the bootmaker, I ll warrant. Gome in !" 
 
 " Ah, happiness attend your highness Heaven be pro 
 pitious to your grace ! I have brought my lord s new 
 boots ah, say nothing about the pay, there is no hurry, 
 none in the world. Shall be proud if my noble lord will 
 continue to honour me with his custom ah, adieu !" 
 
 "Brought the boots himself! Don t want his pay! 
 Takes his leave with a bow and a scrape fit to honour 
 majesty withal ! Desires a continuance of my custom ! 
 Fs the world coming to an end ? Of all the come in /" 
 
 " Pardon, signor, but I have brought your new suit of 
 clothes for " 
 
 " Gome in ! !" 
 
 " A thousand pardons for this intrusion, your worship ! 
 But I have prepared the beautiful suite of rooms below 
 for you this wretched den is but ill suited to- 7 M 
 
THE CAPITOLINE VENUS. 253 
 
 "Come in!!!" 
 
 " I have called to say that your credit in our bank, 
 jome time since unfortunately interrupted, is entirely and 
 Inost satisfactorily restored, and we shall be most happy 
 i you will draw upon us for any " 
 
 "COME IN!!!!" 
 
 " My noble boy, she is yours ! Shell be here in a 
 moment ! Take her marry her love her be happy ! 
 God bless you both ! Hip, hip, hur " 
 
 "COME IN!!!!!" 
 
 " Oh, George, my own darling, we are saved ! " 
 
 " Oh, Mary, my own darling, we are saved but I ll 
 wear I don t know why nor how !" 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 [Scene A Roman Cafe."] 
 
 One of a group of American gentlemen reads and 
 translates from the weekly edition of II Slangwhanger 
 di Roma as follows : 
 
 "WONDERFUL DISCOVERY! Some six months ago Signer John Smitthe, 
 an American gentleman now some years a resident of Rome, purchased for 
 a trifle a small piece of ground in the Campagna, just beyond the tomb of 
 the Scipio family, from the owner, a bankrupt relative of the Princess 
 Borghese. |r_ Smitthe a|terwards went to the minister of the Public 
 Records and had the piece of ground transferred to a poor American artist 
 named George Arnold, explaining that he did it as payment and satisfaction 
 for pecuniary damage accidentally done by him long since upon property 
 belonging to Signor Arnold, and further observed that he would make addi 
 tional satisfaction bj iApr^ving the ground for Signor A., at his own charge 
 and cost Four weeks ago, wfcile making some necessary excavations upon 
 the property, Signor Smitthe ung*rUied the most ren^kablejwicient stetue 
 
254 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 that has ever been added to the opulent art treasures of Rome. It was an ex 
 quisite figure of a woman, and though sadly stained by the soil and the mould 
 of ages, no eye can look unmoved upon its ravishing beauty. The nose, thi 
 left leg from the knee down t an ear, and also the toes of the right foot and 
 two fingers of one of the hands, were gone, but otherwise the noble figure 
 was in a remarkable state of preservation. The government at once took 
 military possession of the statue, and appointed a commission of art critics, 
 antiquaries and cardinal princes of the church to assess its value and deter- 
 mine the remuneration that must go to the owner of the ground in which it 
 was found. The whole affair was kept a profound secret until last night. 
 In the meantime the commission sat with closed doors, and deliberated. 
 Last night they decided unanimously that the statue is a Venus, and the 
 work of some unknown but sublimely gifted artist of the third century be 
 fore Christ. They consider it the most faultless work of art the world has 
 any knowledge of. 
 
 "At-midnight they held a final conference and decided that the Venus 
 was worth the enormous sum of ten million francs ! In accordance with 
 Roman law and Roman usage, the government being half owner in all 
 works of art found in the Campagna, the State has naught to do but pay 
 five million francs to Mr. Arnold and take permanent possession of the 
 beautiful statue. This morning the Venus will be removed to the Capitol, 
 there to remain, and at noon the commission will wait upon Signer Arnold 
 with His Holiness the Pope s order upon the Treasury for the princely sum 
 of five million francs in gold." 
 
 Chorus of Voices. " Luck ! It s no name for it I" 
 Another Voice. "Gentlemen, I propose that we imme 
 diately form an American joint-stock company for the 
 purchase of lands and excavations of statues, here, with 
 
 proper connections in "Wall Street to bull and bear the 
 stock." 
 
 All "Agreed!" 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 [Scene The Roman Capitol Ten Years Later.} 
 
 " Dearest Mary, this is the most celebrated statue in 
 the world. This is the renowned Capitoline Venus 
 
THE CAPITOLINE VENUS. 255 
 
 you Iiave heard so much about. Here she is with her 
 little blemishes restored (that is, patched) by the most 
 noted Roman artists and the mere fact that they did 
 the humble patching of so noble a creation will make 
 their names illustrious while the* world stands. How 
 strange it seems this place ! The day before I last stood 
 here, ten happy years ago, I wasn t a rich man bless 
 your soul, I hadn t a cent. And yet I had a good deal to 
 do with making Rome mistress of this grandest work of 
 ancient art the world contains." 
 
 " The worshipped, the illustrious Capitoline Venus and 
 what a sum she is valued at ! Ten millions of francs ?" 
 
 "Yes now she is." 
 
 " And oh, Georgy, how divinely beautiful she is ! " 
 
 " Ah, yes but nothing to what she was before that 
 blessed John Smith broke her leg and battered her nose. 
 Ingenious Smith i gifted Smith noble Smith ! Author 
 of all our bliss ! Hark ! Do you know what that wheeze 
 means? Mary, that cub has got the whooping cough. 
 Will you never learn to take care of the children !" 
 
 THE END. 
 
 The Capitoline Venus is still in the Capitol at Rome, 
 and is still the most charming and most illustrious work 
 of ancient art the world can boast of. But if ever it shall 
 be your fortune to stand before it and go into the custom 
 ary ecstacies over it, don t permit this true and secret 
 history of its origin to mar your bliss and when you 
 
250 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 read about a gigantic Petrified Man being dug up near 
 Syracuse, in the State of New York, or near any other 
 place, keep your own counsel, and if the Barnum that 
 buried him there offers to sell to you at an enormous 
 Bum, don t you buy. Send him to the Pope ! 
 
 Norr. The above sketch was written at the time the famous swindle 
 the " Petrified Giant " was the sensatio -tf the day in the United States. 
 
 - 
 
SPEECH ON ACCIDENT INSURANCE. 25? 
 
 SPEECH ON ACCIDENT INSURANCE. 
 
 DELIVERED IN HARTFORD, AT A DINNER TO CORNELIUS 
 WALFORD, OF LONDON. 
 
 ENTLEMEN : I am glad indeed to assist in welcom- 
 VJ ing the distinguished guest of this occasion to a 
 city whose fame as an insurance centre has extended to 
 all lands, and given us the name of being a quadruple 
 band of brothers working sweetly hand in hand, the 
 Colt s arms company making the destruction of our race 
 easy and convenient, our life insurance citizens paying 
 for the victims when they pass away, Mr. Batterson per 
 petuating their memory with his stately monuments, and 
 our fire insurance comrades taking care of their hereafter. 
 I am glad to assist in welcoming our guest first, because 
 he is an Englishman, and I owe a heavy debt of hospi 
 tality to certain of his fellow-countrymen ; and secondly, 
 because he is in sympathy with insurance and has been 
 the means of making other men cast their sympathies in 
 the same direction. 
 
 Certainly there is no nobler field for human effort than 
 the insurance line of business especially accident insur 
 ance. Ever since I have been director in an accident in- 
 
258 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 surance company I have felt that I am a better man. 
 Life has seemed more precious. Accidents have assumed 
 a kindlier aspect. Distressing special providences have 
 lost half their horror. I look upon a cripple, now, with 
 affectionate interest as an advertisement. I do not seem 
 to care for poetry any more. I do not care for politics 
 even agriculture does not excite me. But to me, now, 
 there is a charm about a railway collision that is un 
 speakable. 
 
 There is nothing more beneficent than accident insur 
 ance. I have seen an entire family lifted out of poverty 
 and into affluence by the simple boon of a broken leg 
 I have had people come to me on crutches, with tears in 
 their eyes, to bless this beneficent institution. In all my 
 experience of life, I have seen nothing so seraphic as th< 
 look that comes into a freshly mutilated man s face when 
 he feels in his vest pocket with his remaining hand anc 
 finds his accident ticket all right. And I have seen 
 nothing so sad as the look that came into another splint 
 ered customer s face, when he found he couldn t colled 
 on a wooden leg. 
 
 I will remark here, by way of advertisement, that the 
 noble charity which we have named the HARTFORD AC 
 CIDENT INSURANCE COMPANY,* is an institution which is 
 peculiarly to be depended upon. A man is bound to 
 prosper who gives it his custom. No man can take out 
 a policy in it and not get crippled before the year is out. 
 Now there was one indigent man who had been disap- 
 
 * The speaker is a director of the company named. 
 
SPEECH ON ACCIDENT INSURANCE. 
 
 259 
 
 pointed so often with other companies that he had frown 
 disheartened, his appetite left him, he ceased to smile- 
 said life was but a weariness". Three weeks ago I got 
 him to insure with us, and now he is the brightest, 
 happiest spirit in this land has a good steady income 
 and a stylish suit of new bandages every day, and travels 
 around on a shutter. 
 
 I will say, in conclusion, that my share of the welcome 
 to our guest is none the less hearty because I talk so much 
 nonsense, and I know that I can say the same for the 
 rest of the speakers. 
 
 
260 SKETCHES Bi MARK TWAIN. 
 
 JOHN CHINAMAN IN NEW YORK. 
 
 K B I passed along by one of those monster American 
 -^- tea-stores in New York, I found a Chinaman sitting 
 before it acting in the capacity of a sign. Everybody 
 that went by gave him a steady stare as long as their 
 heads would twist over their shoulders without danger of 
 dislocating their necks, and a group had stopped to stare 
 deliberately. 
 
 Is it not a shame that we, who prate so much about 
 civilization and humanity are content to degrade a fellow- 
 being to such an office as this ? Is it not time for reflec 
 tion when we find ourselves willing to see in such a being, 
 matter for frivolous curiosity instead of regret and grave 
 reflection ? Here was a poor creature whom hard fortune 
 had exiled from his natural home beyond the seas, and 
 whose troubles ought to have touched these idle strangers 
 that thronged about him ; but did it ? Apparently not. Men 
 calling themselves the superior race, the race of culture and 
 of gentle blood, scanned his quaint Chinese hat, with peak 
 ed roof and ball on top, and his long queue dangling down 
 his back ; his short silken blouse, curiously frogged and 
 figured (and like the rest of his raiment, rusty, dilapidat 
 ed, and awkwardly put on) ; his blue cotton, tight-legged 
 
JOHN CHINAMAN IN NEW YORK. 9,61 
 
 pants, tied close around the ankles ; and his clumsy blunt- 
 toed shoes with thick cork soles ; and having so scanned 
 him from head to foot, cracked some unseemly joke about 
 his outlandish attire or his melancholy face and passed on. 
 In my heart I pitied the friendless Mongol. I wondered 
 what was passing behind his sad face, and what distant 
 scene his vacant eye was dreaming of. Were his though ts ( 
 with his heart, ten thousand miles away, beyond the bil 
 lowy wastes of the Pacific ? among the rice-fields and 
 plumy palms of China ? under the shadows of remembered 
 mountain-peaks, or in groves of bloomy shrubs and strange 
 forest trees unknown to climes like ours ? And now and 
 then, rippling among his visions and his dreams, did he 
 hear familiar laughter and half-forgotten voices, and did 
 he catch fitful glimpses of the friendly faces of a bygone 
 time? A cruel fate it is, I said, that is befallen this 
 bronzed wanderer. In order that the group of idlers 
 might be touched at least by the words of the poor 
 fellow, since the appeal of his pauper dress and dreary 
 exile was lost upon them, I touched him on the shoulder 
 and said 
 
 " Cheer up don t be down-hearted. It is not America 
 that treats you in this way, it is merely one citizen, whose 
 greed of gain has eaten the humanity out of his heart. 
 America has a broader hospitality for the exiled and op 
 pressed. America and Americans are always ready to 
 help the unfortunate. Money shall be raised you shall 
 go back to China you shall see your friends again. 
 What wages do they pay you here ? " 
 
262 
 
 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN". 
 
 " Divil a cint but four dollars a week and find rneeolf ; 
 
 but it s aisy, barrin the troublesome furrin clothes that s 
 so expinsive." 
 
 The exile remains at his post. The New York tea-mer 
 chants wno need picturesque signs are not likely to run 
 out of Chinamen. 
 
HOW I EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPER. 263 
 
 HOW I EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPER 
 
 I DID not take temporary editorship of an agricultural 
 paper without misgivings. Neither would a landsman 
 take command of a ship without misgivings. But I was 
 in circumstances that made the salary an object. The 
 regular editor of the paper was going off for a holiday, and 
 I accepted the terms he offered, and took his place. 
 
 The sensation of being at work again was luxurious, 
 and I wrought all the week with unflagging pleasure. 
 We went to press, and I waited a day with some solici 
 tude to see whether my effort was going to attract any 
 notice. As I left the office, toward sundown, a group of 
 men and boys at the foot of the stairs dispersed with one 
 impulse, and gave me passage-wsy, and I heard one or 
 two of them say : " That s him ! " I was naturally 
 pleased with this incident. The next morning I found a 
 similar group at the foot of the stairs, and scattering 
 couples and individuals standing here and there in the 
 street, and over the way, watching me with interest. 
 The group separated and fell back as I approached, and I 
 heard a man say, " Look at his eye ! " I pretended not 
 to observe the notice I was attracting, but secretly I was 
 pleased with it, and was purposing to write an account of 
 
264 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 it to my aunt. I went up the short flight of stairs, and 
 heard cheery voices and a ringing laugh as I drew near 
 the door, which I opened, and caught a glimpse of two 
 young rural-looking men, whose faces blanched and 
 lengthened when they saw me, and then they both plunged 
 through the window with a great crash. 1 was surprised. 
 
 In about half an hour an old gentleman, with a flowing 
 beard and a fine but rather austere face, entered and sat 
 down at my invitation. He seemed to have something 
 on his mind. He took off his hat and set it on the floor, 
 and got out of it a red silk handkerchief and a copy of our 
 paper. 
 
 He put the paper on his lap, and while he polished 
 his spectacles with his handkerchief, he said, " Are you 
 the new editor ? " 
 
 I said I was. 
 
 " Have you ever edited an agricultural paper before ? " 
 
 " No," I said ; " this is my first attempt." 
 
 " Very likely. Have you had any experience in agri 
 culture practically ? " 
 
 " No ; I believe I have not." 
 
 " Some instinct told me so," said the old gentleman, 
 putting on his spectacles, and looking over them at me 
 with asperity, while he folded his paper into a convenient 
 shape. " I wish to read you what must have made me 
 have that instinct. It was this editorial. Listen, and see 
 if it was you that wrote it : 
 
 "Turnips should never be pulled, it injures them. It is much better to 
 send a boy up and let him shake the tree." 
 
HOW I EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPER. 205 
 
 " Now, what do you think of that ? for I really sup 
 pose you wrote it ? " 
 
 " Think of it ? Why, I think it is good. I think it is 
 sense. I have no doubt that every year millions and 
 millions of bushels of turnips are spoiled in this township 
 alone by being pulled in a half -ripe condition, when, if 
 they had sent a boy up to shake the tree" 
 
 "Shake your grandmother! Turnips don t grow on 
 trees !" 
 
 " Oh, they don t, don t they ? Well, who said they did ? 
 The language was intended to be figurative, wholly figu 
 rative. Anybody that knows anything will know that I 
 meant that the boy should shake the vine." 
 
 Then this old person got up and tore his paper all into 
 small shreds, and stamped on them, and broke several 
 things with his cane, and said I did not know as much 
 as a cow ; and then went out and banged the door after 
 him, and, in short, acted in such a way that I fancied he 
 was displeased about something. But not knowing what 
 the trouble was, I could not be any help to him. 
 
 Pretty soon after this a long cadaverous creature, with 
 lanky locks hanging down to his shoulders, and a week s 
 stubble bristling from the hills and valleys of his face, 
 darted within the door, and halted, motionless, with finger 
 on lip, and head and body bent inlistening attitude. No 
 sound was heard. Still he listened. No sound. Then 
 he turned the key in the door, and came elaborately tip 
 toeing toward jme till he was within long reaching dis 
 tance of me, when he stopped, and after scanning my face 
 
266 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 with intense interest for a while, drew a folded copy of 
 our paper from his bosom, and said 
 
 " There, you wrote that. Read it to me quick ! Re 
 lieve me. I suffer." 
 
 I read as follows ; and as the sentences fell from my 
 lips I could see the relief come, I could see the drawn 
 muscles relax, and the anxiety go out of the face, and rest 
 and peace steal over the features like the merciful moon 
 light over a desolate landscape : 
 
 "The guano is a fine bird, but great care is necessary in rearing it. It 
 should not be imported earlier than June or later than September. In the 
 winter it should be kept in a warm place, where it can hatch out its 
 young. 
 
 "It is evident that we are to have a backward season for grain. There 
 fore it will be well for the farmer to begin setting out his cornstalks and 
 planting his buckwheat cakes in July instead of August. 
 
 " Concerning the pumpkin. This berry is a favourite with the natives of 
 the interior of New England, who prefer it to the gooseberry for the making 
 of fruit-cake, and who likewise give it the preference over the raspberry for 
 feeding cows, as being more filling and fully as satisfying. The pumpkin 
 is the only esculent of the orange family that will thrive in the North, ex- 
 oept the gourd and one or two varieties of the squash. But the custom of 
 planting it in the front yard with the shrubbery is fast going out of vogue, 
 for it is now generally conceded that the pumpkin as a shade tree is a 
 failure. 
 
 "Now, as the warm weather approaches, and the ganders begin to 
 pawn" 
 
 The excited listener sprang toward me to shake hands, 
 and said 
 
 " There, there I know I am all right now, because you 
 have read it just as I did, word for word. But, stranger, 
 when I read it this morning, I said to myself, I never, 
 never believed it before, notwithstanding my friends kept 
 
HOW I EDITED A.N AGRICULTURAL PAPER. 267 
 
 me under watch so strict, but now I believe I am crazy ; 
 and with that I fetched a how 1 , that you might have 
 heard two miles, and started out to kill somebody because, 
 you know, I knew it would come to that sooner or later, 
 land so I might as well begin. I read one of them para- 
 Igraphs again, so as to be certain, and then I burned my 
 house down and started. I have crippled several people, 
 and have got one fellow up a tree, where I can get him 
 if I want him. But I thought I would call in here as I 
 passed along and make the thing perfectly certain ; and 
 now it is certain, and I tell you it is lucky for the chap 
 that is in the tree. I should have killed him, sure, as I 
 went back. Good-bye, sir. good-bye ; you have taken a 
 great load off my mind. My reason has stood the strain 
 of one of your agricultural articles, and I know that noth 
 ing can ever unseat it now. (rood-bye, sir." 
 
 I felt a little uncomfortable about the cripplings and 
 arsons this person had been entertaining himself with, 
 for I could not help feeling remotely accessory to them. 
 But these thoughts were quickly banished, for the regular 
 editor walked in ! [I thought to myself, Now if you h&d 
 gone to Egypt as I recommended you to, I might have 
 had a chance to get my hand in ; but you wouldn t do it, 
 and here you are. I sort of expected you.] 
 
 The editor was looking sad and perplexed and de- 
 "ected. 
 
 He surveyed the wreck which the old rioter and those 
 two young farmers had made, and then said, " This is a sad 
 business a very sad business. There is the mucilage 
 
268 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 bottle broken, and six panes of glass, and a spittoon and 
 two candlesticks. But that is not the worst. The repu 
 tation of the paper is injured and permanently, I fear. 
 True, there never was such a call for the paper before, 
 and it never sold such a large edition or soared to such 
 celebrity ; but does one want to be famous for lunacy, 
 and prosper upon the infirmities of his mind ? My friend, 
 as I am an honest man, the street out here is full of peo 
 ple, and others are roosting on the fences, waiting to get 
 a glimpse of you, because they think you are crazy. And 
 well they might after reading your editorials. They are 
 a disgrace to journalism. Why, what put it into your 
 head that you could edit a paper of this nature ? You 
 do not seem to know the first rudiments of agriculture. 
 You speak of a furrow and a harrow as being the same 
 thing ; you talk of the moulting season for cows ; and 
 you recommend the domestication of the pole-cat on ac 
 count of its playfulness and its excellence as a ratter ! 
 Your remark that clams will lie quiet if music be played 
 to them was superfluous entirely superfluous. Nothing 
 disturbs clams. Clams always lie quiet. Clams care 
 nothing whatever about music. Ah, heavens and earth, 
 friend ! if you had made the acquiring of ignorance the 
 study of your life, you could not have graduated with 
 higher honour than you could to-day. I never saw any 
 thing like it. Your observation that the horse-chestnut 
 as an article of commerce is steadily gaining in favour, is 
 simply calculated to destroy this journal. I want you 
 to throw up your situation and go. I want no more 
 
HOW I EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPEB. 269 
 
 holiday I could not enjoy it if I had it. Certainly not 
 with you in my chair. I would always stand in dread 
 of what you might be going to recommend next. It 
 makes me lose all patience every time I think of your 
 discussing oyster-beds under the head of Landscape 
 Gardening. I want you to go. Nothing on earth could 
 persuade me to take another holiday. Oh ! why didn t 
 you tell me you didn t know anything about agri 
 culture ? " 
 
 " Tell you, you cornstalk, you cabbage, you son of a 
 cauliflower ? it s the first time I ever heard such an un 
 feeling remark. I tell you I have been in the editorial 
 business going on fourteen years, and it is the first time 
 I ever heard of a man s having to know anything in 
 order to edit a newspaper. You turnip ! Who write 
 the dramatic critiques for second-rate papers ? Why, a 
 parcel of promoted shoemakers and apprentice apothe 
 caries, who know just as much about good acting as I do 
 about good farming and no more. Who review the books ? 
 People who never wrote one. Who do up the heavy 
 leaders on finance ? Parties who have had the largest 
 opportunities for knowing nothing about it. Who criti 
 cise the Indian campaigns? Gentlemen who do not 
 know a war-whoop from a wigwam, and who never have 
 had to run a foot-race with a tomahawk, or pluck arrows 
 out of the several members of the family to build the 
 evening camp-fire with. Who write the temperance ap 
 peals and clamour about the flowing bowl ? Folk who 
 will never draw another sober breath till they do it in 
 
270 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 bhe grave. Who edit the agricultural papers, you yam 1 
 Men, as a general thing, who fail in the poetry line, yellow 
 3oloured novel line, sensation-drama line, city-editor line 
 and finally fall back on agriculture as a temporary re 
 prieve from the poorhouse. You try to tell me anything 
 about the newspaper business ! Sir, I have been through 
 it from Alpha to Omaha, and 1 tell you that the less s 
 man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the highei 
 the salary he commands. Heaven knows if I had been 
 ignorant instead of cultivated, and impudent instead oJ 
 diffident, I could have made a name for myself in this 
 cold selfish world. I take my leave, sir. Since I have 
 been treated as you have treated me, I am perfectly will 
 ing to go. But I have done my duty. I have fulfilled 
 my contract as far as I was permitted to do it. I said 1 
 could make your paper of interest to all classes and ] 
 have. 1 said I could run your circulation up to twenty 
 thousand copies, and if I had had two more weeks I d 
 have done it. And I d have given you the best class ol 
 readers that ever an agricultural paper had not a farmer 
 in it, nor a solitary individual who could tell a water 
 melon tree from a peach- vine to save his life. You are 
 the loser by this rupture, not me, Pie-plant. Adios." 
 I then left. 
 
THE PETaEFIED MIX. 271 
 
 THE PETRIFIED MAH, 
 
 NOW, to show how really hard it is to foist a moral 01 
 a truth upon an unsuspecting public through a bur 
 lesque without entirely and absurdly missing one s mark, 
 I will here set down two experiences of my own in this 
 thing. In the fall of 1862, in Nevada and California, the 
 people got to running wild about extraordinary petrifica- 
 tions and other natural marvels. One could scarcely pick 
 up a paper without finding in it one or two glorified dis 
 coveries of this kind. The mania was becoming a little 
 ridiculous. I was a bran-new local editor in Virginia City, 
 and I felt called upon to destroy this growing evil ; we all 
 have our benignant fatherly moods at one time or another, 
 I suppose. I chose to kill the petrifaction mania with a 
 delicate, a very delicate satire. But maybe it was alto 
 gether too delicate, for nobody ever perceived the satire 
 part of it at all. I put my scheme in the shape of the dis 
 covery of a remarkably petrified man. 
 
 I had had a temporary falling out with Mr. , 
 
 the new coroner and justice of the peace of Humboldt, and 
 thought I might touch him up a little at the same time 
 and make him ridiculous, and thus combine pleasure with 
 
472 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 business. So I told, in patient, belief-compelling detail, all 
 about the finding of a petrified man at Gravelly Ford 
 (exactly a hundred and twenty miles, over a breakneck 
 mountain trail, from where lived) ; how all the sa 
 vants of the immediate neighbourhood had been to ex 
 amine it (it was notorious that there was not a living 
 creature within fifty miles of there, except a few starving 
 Indians, some crippled grasshoppers, and four or five buz 
 zards out of meat and too feeble to get away) ; how those 
 savants all pronounced the petrified man to have been in 
 a state of complete petrification for over ten generations ; 
 and then, with a* seriousness that I ought to have been 
 
 ashamed to assume, I stated that as soon as Mr. heard 
 
 the news he summoned a jury, mounted his mule, and 
 posted off, with noble reverence for official duty, on that 
 awful five days journey, through alkali, sage-brush, peril 
 of body, and imminent starvation, to hold an inquest on 
 this man that had been dead and turned to everlasting 
 stone for more than three hundred years ! And then my 
 hand being " in," so to speak, I went on with the same 
 unflinching gravity, to state that the jury returned a ver 
 dict that deceased came to his death from protracted ex 
 posure. This only moved me to higher flights of imagin 
 ation, and I said that the jury, with that charity so 
 characteristic of pioneers, then dug a grave and were about 
 to give the petrified man Christian burial, when they 
 found that for ages a limestone sediment had been trick 
 ling down the face of the stone against which he was sit 
 ting, and this stuff had run under him and cemented him 
 
THE PETRIFIED MAN. 273 
 
 fast to the " bed-rock ;" that the jury (they were all silver 
 miners) canvassed the difficulty a moment and then got 
 out their powder and fuse, and proceeded to drill a hole 
 under him, in order to blast him from his position, when 
 Mr - , "with that delicacy so characteristic of him, for 
 bade them, observing that it would be little less than sac 
 rilege to do such a thing." 
 
 From beginning to end the "petrified man" was a 
 string of roaring absurdities, albeit they were told with 
 an unfair pretence of truth that even imposed upon me 
 to some extent, and I was in some danger of believing in 
 my own fraud. But I really had no desire to deceive 
 anybody, and no expectation of doing it. I depended on 
 the way the petrified man was sitting to explain to the 
 public that he was a swindle. Yet I purposely mixed 
 that up with other things, hoping to make it obscure 
 and I did. I would describe the position of one foot, 
 and then say his right thumb was against the side of his 
 nose ; then talk about his other foot, and presently come 
 back and say the fingers of his right hand were spread 
 apart ; then talk about the back his head a little, then 
 return and say the left thumb was hooked into the right 
 little finger ; then ramble off about something else, and 
 by and by drift back again and remark that the fingers of 
 the left hand were spread like those of the right. But 
 it was too ingenious. I mixed it up rather too much 
 and so all that description of the attitude, as a kej 
 to the humbuggery oi the article, was entirely lost, for 
 lobody but me ever discovered and comprehended the 
 
274 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 peculiar and suggestive position of the petrified man s 
 hands. 
 
 As a satire on the petrifaction mania, or anything else, 
 my Petrified Man was a disheartening failure ; for every 
 body received him in innocent good faith, and I was stun 
 ned to see the creature I had begotten to pull down the 
 wonder-business with, and bring derision upon it, calmly 
 exalted to the grand chief place in the list of the genuine 
 marvels our Nevada had produced. I was so disappoint 
 ed at the curious miscarriage of my scheme, that at first 
 I was angry, and did not like to think about it ; but by 
 and by, when the exchanges began to come in with the 
 Petrified Man copied and guilelessly glorified, I began to 
 feel a soothing secret satisfaction ; and as my gentleman s 
 field of travels broadened, and by the exchanges I saw 
 that he steadily and implacably penetrated territory after 
 territory, State after State, and land after land, till he 
 swept the great globe and culminated in sublime and un- 
 impeached legitimacy in the august London Lancet, my 
 cup was full, and I said I was glad I had done it. I 
 think that for about eleven months, as nearly as I can 
 
 remember, Mr. s daily mail-bag continued to be 
 
 swollen by the addition of half a bushel of newspapers 
 hailing from many climes with the Petrified Man in 
 them, marked around with a prominent belt of ink. I 
 sent them to him. I did it for spite, not for fun. He 
 used to shovel them into his back yard and curse. And 
 every day during all those months the miners, his con-" 
 stituents (for miners never quit joking a person when 
 
THE PETBIFIED MAN* 275 
 
 fchey get started), would call on him and ask if he could 
 tell them where they could get hold of a, paper with the 
 Petrified Man in it. He could have accomodated a con- 
 
 jinent with them. I hated in those days, and these* 
 
 things pacified me and pleased me. I could not have> 
 gotten more real comfort out of him without killing him. 
 
276 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAHT. 
 
 MY BLOODY MASSACRE. 
 
 fTIHE other burlesque I have referred to was my fine 
 * satire upon the financial expedient of "cooking 
 dividends," a thing which became shamefully frequent on 
 the Pacific coast for a while. Once more, in my 
 self-complacent simplicity, I felt that the time had arriv 
 ed for me to rise up and be a reformer. I put this re 
 formatory satire in the shape of a fearful " Massacre at 
 Empire City." The San Francisco papers were making a 
 great outcry about the iniquity of the Daney Silver-Min 
 ing Company, whose directors had declared a " cooked " 
 or false dividend, for the purpose of increasing the value 
 of their stock, so that they could sell out at a comfortable 
 figure, and then scramble from under the tumbling con 
 cern. And while abusing the Daney, those papers did 
 not forget to urge the public to get rid of all their silver 
 stocks and invest in sound and safe San Francisco stocks, 
 such as the Spring Valley Water Company, etc. But 
 right at this unfortunate juncture, behold the Spring 
 Valley cooked a dividend too ! And so, under the insidi 
 ous mask of an invented " bloody massacre," I stole upon 
 the public unawares with my scathing satire upon the 
 dividend-cooking system. In about half a column of im- 
 
MY BLOODY MASSACRE. 277 
 
 aginary human carnage I told how a citizen had murdered 
 his wife and nine children, and then committed suicide. 
 And I said slyly, at the bottom, that the sudden madness 
 of which this melancholy massacre was the result, had 
 been brought about by his having allowed himself to be 
 persuaded by the California papers to sell his sound and 
 lucrative Nevada silver stocks, and buy into Spring Valley 
 just in time to get cooked along with that company s 
 fancy dividend, and sink every cent he had in the 
 world. 
 
 Ah, it was a deep, deep satire, and most ingeniously 
 contrived. But I made the horrible details so carefully 
 and conscientiously interesting that the public devoured 
 them greedily, and wholly overlooked the following dis 
 tinctly-stated facts, to wit : The murderer was perfectly 
 well known to every creature in the land as a bachelor, 
 and consequently he could not murder his wife and nine 
 children ; he murdered them " in his splendid dressed- 
 stone mansion just in the edge of the great pine forest 
 between Empire City and Dutch Nick s," when even the 
 very pickled oysters that came on our tables knew thai 
 there was not a " dressed-stone mansion " in all Nevada 
 Territory ; also that, so far from there being a "great 
 pine forest between Empire City and Dutch Nick s," there 
 wasn t a solitary tree within fifteen miles of either place; 
 and, finally, it was patent and notorious that Empire 
 City and Dutch Nick s were one and the same place, and 
 contained only six houses anyhow, and consequently 
 there could be no forest betvjeen them ; and on top of all 
 
278 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 these absurdities I stated that this diabolical murderer, 
 after inflicting a wound upon himself that the reader 
 ought to have seen would kill an elephant in the twink 
 ling of an eye, jumped on his horse and rode four miles, 
 waving his wife s reeking scalp in the air, and thus per 
 forming entered Carson City with tremendous eclat, and 
 dropped dead in front of the chief saloon, the envy and 
 admiration of all beholders. 
 
 Well, in all my life I never saw anything like the 
 sensation that little satire created. It was the talk of 
 the town, it was the talk of the Territory. Most of the 
 citizens dropped gently into it at breakfast, and they 
 never finished their meal. There was something about 
 those minutely faithful details that was a sufficing sub 
 stitute for food. Few people that were able to read took 
 food that morning. Dan and I (Dan was my reportorial 
 associate) took our seats on either side of our customary 
 table in the " Eagle Restaurant," and, as I unfolded the 
 shred they used to call a napkin in that establishment, 
 I saw at the next table two stalwart innocents with that 
 sort of vegetable dandruff sprinkled about their clothing 
 which was the sign and evidence that they were in from 
 the Truckee with a load of hay. The one facing me had 
 the morning paper folded to a long narrow strip, and I 
 knew, without any telling, that that strip represented the 
 column that contained my pleasant financial satire From 
 the way he was excitedly mumbling, I saw that the heed 
 less son of a hay-mow was skipping with all his might, 
 Ui order to get to the bloody details as quickly as possi- 
 
MY BLOODY MASSACRE. 279 
 
 ble ; and so he was missing the guideboards I had set up 
 to warn him that the whole thing was a fraud. Present 
 ly his eyes spread wide open, just as his jaws swung* 
 asunder to take in a potato approaching it on a fork ; the 
 potato halted, the face lit up redly, and the whole man 
 was on fire with excitement. Then he broke into a dis- 
 : ointed checking off of the particulars his potato cooling 
 in mid-air meantime, and his mouth making a reach for 
 it occasionally, but always bringing up suddenly ^against 
 a new and still more direful performance of my hero. 
 At last he looked his stunned and rigid comrade impres 
 sively in the face, and said, with an expression of concen 
 trated awe 
 
 " Jim, he b iled his baby, and he took the old oman s 
 skelp. Cuss d if I want any breakfast ! " 
 
 And he laid his lingering potato reverently down, and 
 he and his friend departed from the restaurant empty 
 but satisfied. 
 
 He never got down to where the satire part of it began. 
 Nobody ever did. They found the thrilling particulars 
 sufficient. To drop in with a poor little moral at the fag- 
 end of such a gorgeous massacre, was to follow the ex 
 piring sun with a candle, and hope to attract the world s 
 attention to it. 
 
 The idea that anybody could ever take my massacre 
 for a genuine occurrence never once suggested itself to 
 me, hedged about as it was by all those tell-tale absurdities 
 and impossibilities concerning the " great pine forest," the 
 " dressed-stone mansion," etc. But I found out then, and 
 
280 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN, 
 
 never have forgotten since, that we never read the dull 
 explanatory surroundings of marvellously exciting things 
 when we have no occasion to suppose some irresponsible 
 scribblei IE trying to defraud us ; we skip all that, and 
 hasten to revel in the blood-curdling particulars and be 
 happy, 
 
OONCER1ONG CHAMBBRMAJDa 28J 
 
 CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS 
 
 A GAINST all chambermaids, of whatsoever age or na- 
 ** tionality, I launch the curse of bachelordom! Because: 
 
 They always put the pillows at the opposite end of the 
 bed from the gas-burner, so that while you read and 
 smoke before sleeping (as is the ancient and honoured 
 custom of bachelors), you have to hold your book aloft 
 in an uncomfortable position, to keep the light from daz 
 zling your eyes. 
 
 When they find the pillows removed to the other end 
 of the bed in the morning, they receive not the suggest 
 ion in a friendly spirit ; but, glorying in their absolute 
 sovereignty, and unpiiying your helplessness, they make 
 the bed just as it was originally, and gloat in secret over 
 the pang their tyranny will cause you. 
 
 Always after that, when they find you have transposed 
 the pillows, they undo your work, and thus defy and 
 seek to embitter the life that God has given you. 
 
 If they cannot get the light in an inconvenient position 
 any other way, they move the bed. 
 
 If you pull your trunk out six inches from the wall, so 
 that the lid will stay up when you open it, they always 
 shove that trunk back again. They do it on purpose. 
 
282 SKETCHES BY MAKK TWAIN. 
 
 If you want the spittoon in a certain spot, where it 
 will be handy, they don t, and so they move it. 
 
 They always put your other boots into inaccessible 
 places. They chiefly enjoy depositing them as far under 
 the bed as the wall will permit. It is because this com 
 pels you to get down in an undignified attitude and 
 make wild sweeps for them in the dark with the boot 
 jack, and swear. 
 
 They always put the match-box in some other place. 
 They hunt up a new place for it every day, and put up a 
 bottle, or other perishable glass thing, where the box 
 stood before. This is to eause you to break that glass 
 thing, groping in the dark, and get yourself into trouble. 
 
 They are forever moving the furniture. When you 
 come in, in the night, you can calculate on finding the 
 bureau where the wardrobe was in the morning. And 
 when you go out in the morning, if you leave the slop- 
 bucket by the door and the rocking-chair by the window, 
 when you come in at midnight, or thereabouts, you will 
 fall over that rocking-chair, and you will proceed toward 
 the window and sit down in that slop-tub. This will dis 
 gust you. They like that. 
 
 No matter where you put anything, they are not going 
 to let it stay there. They will take it and move it the 
 first chance they get. It is their nature. And, besides, 
 it give them pleasure to be mean and contrary this way. 
 They would die if they couldn t be villains. 
 
 They always save up all the old scraps of printed rub 
 bish you throw on the floor, and stack them up carefully 
 
CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS. 283 
 
 on the table, and start the fire with your valuable manu 
 scripts. If there is any one particular old scrap that you 
 are more down on than any other, and which you are 
 gradually wearing your life out trying to get rid of, you 
 may take all the pains you possibly can in that direction, 
 but it won t be of any use, because they will always fetch 
 that old scrap back and put it in the same old place again 
 every time. It does them good. 
 
 And they use up more hair-oil than any six men. If 
 charged with purloining the same, they lie about it. 
 What do they care about a hereafter ? Absolutely nothing. 
 
 If you leave the key in the door for convenience sake, 
 they will carry it down to the office and give it to the 
 clerk. They do this under the vile pretence of trying to 
 protect your property from thieves ; but actually they do 
 it because they want -to make you tramp back down 
 stairs after it, when you come home tired, or put you to 
 the trouble of sending a waiter for it, which waiter will 
 expect you to pay him something. In which case I sup 
 pose the degraded creatures divide. 
 
 They keep always trying to make your bed before you 
 get up, thus destroying your rest and inflicting agony 
 upon you ; but after you get up, they don t come any 
 more till the next day. 
 
 They do all the mean things they can think of, and 
 they do them just out of pure cusseclness, and nothing else. 
 
 Chambermaids are dead to every human instinct. 
 
 If I can get a bill through the legislature abolishing 
 chambermaids, I mean to do it, 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN 
 
 ABOUT BARBERS. 
 
 ALL things change except barbers, the ways of barbers, 
 and the surroundings of barbers. These never 
 change. What one experiences in a barber s shop the 
 first time he enters one is what he always experiences in 
 barber s shops afterwards till the end of his days. I got 
 shaved this morning as usual. A man approached the 
 door from Jones Street as I approached it from Main a 
 thing that always happens. I hurried up, but it was of 
 no use ; he entered the door one little step ahead of me, and 
 I followed in on his heels and saw him take the only va 
 cant chair, the one presided over by the best barber. It 
 always happens so. I sat down, that I might fall heir to 
 the chair belonging to the better of the remaining two bar 
 bers, for he had already begun combing his man s hair, 
 while his comrade was not yet quite done rubbing up and 
 oiling his customer s locks. I watched the probabilities 
 with strong interest. When I saw that No. 2 was gain 
 ing on No. 1 my interest grew to solicitude. When No. 
 1 stopped a moment to make change on a bath ticket for 
 a new comer, and lost ground in the race, my solicitude 
 rose to anxiety. When No. 1 caught up again, and both 
 he and his comrade were pulling the towels away and 
 
ABOUT BAEBEKS. 285 
 
 brushing the powder from tl* ir customers cheeks, and it 
 was about an even thing whicfi one would say " Next !" 
 first, my very breath stood *lal with the suspense. But 
 when at the culminating 8<3r/8FNo. 1 stopped to pass a 
 comb a couple of times throu b A his customer s eyebrows, I 
 saw that he had lost the race by a single instant, and I rose 
 indignant and quitted the shop, to keep from falling into 
 the hands of No. 2 ; f or I have none of that enviable 
 firmness that enables a man to look calmly into the eyes 
 oFa waiting barber and tell him he will wait for his fel 
 low-barber s chair, 
 
 I stayed out fifteen minutes, and then went back, hop 
 ing for better luck. Of course all the chairs were occu 
 pied now, and four men sat waiting, silent, unsociable, 
 distraught, and looking bored, as men always do who are 
 awaiting their turn in a barber s shop. I sat down in 
 one of the iron-armed compartments of an old sofa, and 
 put in the time for a while reading the framed advertise 
 ments of all sorts of quack nostrums for dyeing and 
 colouring the hair. Then I read the greasy names on the 
 private bay rum bottles ; read the names and noted the 
 numbers on the private shaving cups in the pigeon-holes ; 
 studied the stained and damaged cheap prints on the 
 walls, of battles, early Presidents, and voluptuous recum 
 bent sultanas, and the tiresome arid everlasting young 
 girl putting her grandfather s spectacles on ; execrated in 
 my heart the cheerful canary and the distracting parrot 
 that few barbers 1 "shops are without. Finally, I searched 
 out the least dilapidated of last year s illustrated papers 
 
286 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 that littered the foul centre-table, and conned their un* 
 justifiable misrepresentation of old forgotten events. 
 
 At last my turn came. A voice said " Next !" and I 
 surrendered to No. 2, of course. It always happens so. 
 I said meekly that I was in a hurry, and it affected him 
 as strongly as if he had never heard it. He shoved up 
 my head, and put a napkin under it. He ploughed his 
 fingers into my collar and fixed a towel there. He ex 
 plored my hair with his claws and suggested that it 
 needed trimming. I said I did not want it trimmed He 
 explored again and said it was pretty long for the present 
 .stylo better have a little taken off ; it needed it behind 
 especially. I said I had had it cut only a week before. 
 He yearned over it reflectively a moment, and then asked 
 with a disparaging manner, who cut it ? I came back at 
 him promptly with a " You did !" I had him there. 
 Then he fell to stirring up his lather and regarding him 
 self in the glass, stopping now and then to get close and 
 examine his chin critically or inspect a pimple. Then he 
 lathered one side of my face thoroughly, and was about 
 to lather the other when a dog fight attracted his atten 
 tion, and he ran to the window and stayed and saw it 
 out, losing two shillings on the result in bets with the 
 other barbers, a thing which gave me great satisfaction. 
 He finished lathering and then began to rub in the suds 
 with his hand. 
 
 He now began to sharpen his razor on an old sus- 
 prmler, and was delayed a good deal on account of a 
 controversy about a cheap masquerade ball he had figured 
 
ABOUT BARBERS. 287 
 
 at the night before, in red cambric and bogus ermine, as 
 some kind of a king. He was so gratified with being 
 chaffed about by some damsel whom he had smitten with 
 his charms that he used every means to continue the con 
 troversy by pretending to be annoyed at the chaffings of 
 his fellows This matter begot more surveying of him 
 self in the glass, and he put down his razor and brushed 
 his hair with elaborate care, plastering an inverted arch 
 of it down on his forehead, accomplishing an accurate 
 " part" behind, and brushing the two wings forward over 
 his ears with nice exactness. In the meantime the 
 lather was drying on my face, and apparently eating into 
 my vitals. 
 
 Now. he began to shave, digging his fingers into my 
 countenance to stretch the skin and bundling and turn- 
 bling my head this way and that as convenience ia 
 shaving demanded. As long as he was on the tough sides- 
 of my face I did not suffer ; but when he began to ralge 
 and rig, and tug at my chin, the tears came. He now 
 made a handle of my nose, to assist him in shaving the 
 corners of my upper lip, and it was by this bit of circum 
 stantial evidence that I discovered that a part of his 
 duties in the shop was to clean the kerosene lamps. I 
 had often wondered in an inclolent way whether the bar 
 bers did that, or whether it was the boss. 
 
 About this time I was amusing myself trying to guess 
 where he would bs most likely to^ut me this time, but 
 he got ahead of me and sliced me on the end of the chin 
 before I had got my mind made up. He immediately 
 
288 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 sharpened his razor he might have done it before. I 
 do not like a close shave and would not let him go over 
 me a second time. I tried to get him to put up his razor, 
 dreading that he would make for the side "of my chin, 
 my pet tender spot, a place where a razor cannot touch 
 twice without making trouble ; but he said he only 
 wanted to just smooth off one little roughness, and in the 
 same moment he slipped his razor along the forbidden 
 ground, and the dreaded pimple-signs of a close shave 
 rose up smarting and answered to the call. Now he 
 soaked his towel in bay rum, and slapped it all over my 
 face nastily ; slapped it over asjif _a human being ever 
 yet washed his face in that way. Then he dried it by 
 slapping with the dry part of the towel, as if a human 
 being ever dried his face in such a fashion ; but a barber 
 seldom rubs y j>u like a Christian. Next he poked bay 
 rum into the cut places with his towel, then choked the 
 wound with powdered starch, then soaked it with bay 
 rum again, and would have gone on soaking and powder 
 ing it for evermore, no doubt, if I had not rebelled and 
 begged off. He powdered my whole face now, straight 
 ened me up, and began to plough my hair thoughtfully 
 with his hands. Then he suggested a shampoo, and said 
 my hair needed it badly, yery badly. I observed that I 
 shampooed it myself very thoroughly in the bath yester 
 day. I " had him " again. He next recommended some of 
 " Smith s Hair Glorifier," and offered to sell me a bottle. 
 I declined. He praised the new perfume, " Jones De 
 light of the Toilet," and proposed to sell me some of that, 
 
ABOUT BARBERS. 289 
 
 I declined again. He tendered me a tooth-wash atrocity 
 of his own invention, and when I declined offered to trade 
 knives with me. 
 
 He returned to business after the miscarriage of this 
 last enterprise, sprinkled me alljygsr, legs^and all, greased 
 my hair in defiance of my protest against it, rubbed and 
 scrubbed a good deal of it out by the roots, and combed 
 and brushed the rest, parting it behind, and plastering the 
 eternal and inverted arch of hair down on my forehead, and 
 then, while combing my scant eyebrows and defiling them 
 with pomade, strung out an account of the achievements 
 of a six-ounce black and tan terrier of his till I heard the 
 whistles blow for noon, and knew I was five minutes too 
 late for the train. Then he snatched away the towel, 
 brushed it lightly over my face, passed his comb through 
 my eyebrows once more, and gaily sang out " Next !" 
 
 This barber fell down and died of apoplexy two hours 
 later. I am waiting over a day for my revenge I am 
 going to attend his funeral. 
 
290 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. 
 
 THE rollowing I find in a Sandwich Island paper 
 which some friend has sent me from that tranquil 
 far-off retreat. The coincidence between my own exper 
 ience and that here set down by the late Mr. Benton is so 
 remarkable that I cannot forbear publishing and com 
 menting upon the paragraph. The Sandwich Island 
 paper says : 
 
 "How touching is this tribute of the late Hon. T. H. Benton to his 
 mother s influence : My mother asked me never to use tobacco ; I have 
 never touched it from that time to the present day. She asked me not to 
 gamble, and I have never gambled. I cannot tell who is losing in games 
 that are being played. She admonished me, too, against liquor-drinking, 
 and whatever capacity for endurance I have at present, and whatever use 
 fulness I may have attained through life I attribute to having complied 
 with her pious and correct wishes. When I was seven years of age, she 
 asked me not to drink, and then I made a resolution of total abstinence ; 
 and that I have adhered to it through all time I owe to my mother. " 
 
 I never saw anything so curious. It is almost an exact 
 epitome of my .own moral career after simply substitut 
 ing a grandmother for a mother. How well I remember 
 my grandmother s asking me not to use tobacco, good 
 old soul ! She said, " You re at it again, are you, you 
 whelp ? Now, don t let me ever catch you chewing to 
 bacco before breakfast again, or I ll black-snake you 
 
HISTOKY REPEATS ITSELF. 291 
 
 within an inch of your life ! " I have never touched it 
 at that hour of the morning from that time to the present 
 day. 
 
 She asked me not to gamble. She whispered and said, 
 " Put up those wicked cards this minute ! two pair and 
 a jack, you numskull, and the other fellow s got a 
 flush ! " 
 
 I never have gambled from that day to this never 
 once without a " cold deck " in my pocket. I cannot 
 even tell who is going to lose in games that are being 
 played unless I dealt myself. 
 
 When I was two years of age she asked me not to 
 drink, and then I made a resolution of total abstinence. 
 That I have adhered to it and enjoyed the beneficent 
 effects of it through all time, I owe to my grandmother. 
 I have never drunk a drop from that day to this of any 
 kind of water. 
 
292 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 FIRST INTERVIEW WITH ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
 i 
 
 HAD never seen him before. He brought letters of 
 introduction from mutual friends in San Francisco, 
 and by invitation I breakfasted with him. It was almost 
 religion, there in the silver mines, to precede such a meal 
 with whiskey cocktails. Artemus, with the true cosmo 
 politan instinct, always deferred to the customs of the 
 country he was in, and so he ordered three of those 
 abominations. Kingston was present- I said I would 
 rather not drink a whiskey cocktail. I said it would go 
 right to my head, and confuse me so that I would be in a 
 helpless tangle in ten minutes. I did not want to act like 
 a lunatic before strangers. But Artemus gently insisted, 
 * and I drank the treasonable mixture under protest, and 
 felt all the time that I was doing a thing I might be sorry 
 for. In a minute or two I began to imagine that my 
 ideas were clouded. I waited in great anxiety for the con 
 versation to open, with a sort of vague hope that my under 
 standing would prove clear, after all, and my misgivings 
 groundless. 
 
 Artemus dropped an unimportant remark or two, and 
 then assumed a look of superhuman earnestness, and 
 made the following astounding speech. He said : 
 
FIRST INTERVIEW WITH ARTEMUS WARD. 293 
 
 "Now there is one thing I ought to ask you about be 
 fore I forget it. You have been here in Silverland here 
 in Nevada two or three years, and, of course, your posi 
 tion on the daily press has made it necessary for you to 
 go down in the mines and examine them carefully in^ 
 detail, and therefore you know all about the silver-mining 
 business. Now, what I want to get at is is, well, the 
 way the deposits of ore are made, you know. For in 
 stance. Now, as I understand it, the vein which con 
 tains the silver is sandwiched in between casings of 
 granite, and runs along the ground, and sticks up like a 
 curb-stone. Well, take a vein forty feet thick, for ex 
 ample, or eighty, for that matter, or even a hundred say 
 you go down on it with a shaft, straight down, you know, 
 or with what you call incline, maybe you go down five 
 hundred feet, or maybe you don t go down but two hun 
 dred any W ay you go down, and all the time this vein 
 grows narrower, when the casings come nearer or approach 
 each other, you may say that is, when they do approach, 
 which of course they do not always do, particularly in 
 cases where the nature of the formation is such that 
 they stand apart wider than they otherwise would, and 
 which geology has failed to account for, although every 
 thing in that science goes to prove that, all things 
 being equal, it would if it /lid not, or would not certainly 
 if it did, and then of course they are. Do not you think 
 it is?" 
 
 I said to myself: 
 
 "Now I just knew how it would be that whiskey 
 
294 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 cocktail has done the business for me ; I don t under 
 stand any more than a clam." 
 
 And then I said aloud : 
 
 " I I that is if you don t mind, would you would 
 you say that over again ? I ought " 
 
 " Oh, certainly, certainly ! You see I am very un 
 familiar with the subject, and perhaps I don t present my 
 case clearly, but I " 
 
 " No, no no, no you state it plain enough, but that 
 cocktail has muddled me a little, But I will no, I do un 
 derstand for that matter ; but I would get the hang of it 
 all the better if you went over it again and I ll pay bet 
 ter attention this time." 
 
 He said, " Why, what I was after was this." 
 
 [Here he became even more fearfully impressive than 
 ever, and emphasized each particular point by checking it 
 off on his finger ends,] 
 
 " This vein, or lode, or ledge, or whatever you call it, 
 runs along between two layers of granite, just the same 
 as if it were a sandwich. Very well Now, suppose you 
 go down on that, say a thousand feet, or maybe twelve 
 hundred (it don t really matter), before you drift, 
 and then you start your drifts, some of them across 
 the ledge, and others along the length of it, where 
 the sulpherets, I believe they call them sulpherets, 
 though why they should, considering that, so far 
 as I can see, the main dependence of a miner does not so 
 lie, as some suppose, but in which it cannot be successful 
 ly maintained, wherein the same should not continue, 
 
lliiST INTERVIEW WITH &RTEMUS WABD. 295 
 
 while part and parcel of the same ore not committed to 
 either in the sense referred to, whereas, under different 
 circumstances, the most inexperienced among us could 
 not detect it if it were, or might overlook it if it did, or 
 scorn the very idea of such a thing, even though it were 
 palpably demonstrated as such. Am I not right ?" 
 
 I said, sorrowfully " I feel ashamed of myself, Mr. 
 Ward. I know I ought to understand you perfectly well, 
 but you see that treacherous whiskey cocktail has got in 
 to my head, and now I cannot understand even the sim 
 plest proposition. I told you how it would be." 
 
 " Oh, don t mind it, don t mind it ; the fault was my 
 own, no doubt though I did think it clear enough 
 for" 
 
 "Don t say a word. Clear! Why, you stated it as 
 clear as the sun to anybody but an abject idiot ; but its 
 that confounded cocktail that has played the mischief." 
 
 " No ; now don t say that. I ll begin it all over again, 
 and" 
 
 "Don t now for goodness sake don t do anything of 
 the kind, because I tell you my head is in such a con 
 dition that I don t believe I could understand the most 
 trifling question a man could ask me." 
 
 " Now, don t you be afraid. I ll put it so plain this 
 time that you can t help but get the hang of it. We will 
 begin at the very beginning." [Leaning far across the 
 table, with determined impressiveness wrought upon his 
 every feature, and fingers prepared to keep tally of each 
 point as enumerated ; and I, leaning forward with painful 
 
96 SKETCHES BY M*^~ TWAltt. 
 
 interest, resolved to comprehend or perish.] " You know 
 the vein, the ledge, the thing that contains the metal, 
 whereby it constitutes the medium between all other 
 forces, whether of present or remote agencies, so brought 
 to bear in favour of the former against the latter, or the 
 latter against the former or all, or both, or compromising 
 the relative differences existing within the radius whence 
 Culminate the several degrees of similarity to which" 
 
 I said " Oh, hang my wooden head, it ain t any use ! 
 it ain t any use to try I can t understand anything. 
 The plainer you get it the more I can t get the hang of 
 it." 
 
 I heard a suspicious noise behind me, and turned in 
 time to see Kingston dodging behind a newspaper, and 
 quaking with a gentle ecstasy of laughter. I looked at 
 Ward again, and he had thrown off his dread solemnity 
 and was laughing also. Then I saw that I had been sold 
 that I had been made the victim of a swindle in the 
 way of a string of plausibly worded sentences that didn t 
 mean anything under the sun. Artemus Ward was one 
 of the best fellows in the world, and one of the most 
 companionable. It has been said that he was not fluent 
 in conversation, but with the above experience in my 
 mind, I differ. 
 
297 
 
 NIAGARA, 
 
 NIAGARA FALLS is a most enjoyable place of resorb. 
 The hotels are excellent, and the prices not at all 
 exorbitant. The opportunities for fishing are not sur 
 passed in the country; in fact, they are not even equalled 
 elsewhere. Because, in other localities, certain places in 
 the streams are much better than others ; but at Niagara 
 one place is just as good as another, for the reason that 
 the fish do not bite anywhere, and so there is no use in 
 your walking five miles to fish, when you can depend on 
 being just as unsuccessful nearer home. The advantages 
 of this state of things have never heretofore been proper 
 ly placed before the public. 
 
 The weather is cool in summer, and the walks and 
 drives are all pleasant and none of them fatiguing. When 
 you start out to " do " the Falls you first drive down about 
 a mile, and pay a small sum for the privilege of looking 
 down from a precipice into the narrowest part of the Ni 
 agara river. A railway "cut" through a hill would-be 
 as comely if it had the angry river tumbling and foaming 
 through its bottom. You can descend a staircase here a 
 hundred and fifty feet down, and stand at the edge of the 
 
298 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 water. After you have done it, you will wonder why 
 you did it ; but you will then be too late. 
 
 The guide will explain to you, in his blood-curdling way, 
 how he saw the little steamer, Maid of the Mist, descend 
 the fearful rapids how first one paddle-box was out 
 of sight behind the raging billows, and then the other, 
 and at what point it was that her smokestack toppled 
 overboard, and where her planking began to break and 
 part asunder and how she did finally live through the 
 trip, after accomplishing the incredible feat of travelling 
 seventeen miles in six minutes, or six miles in seventeen 
 minutes, I have really forgotten which. But it was very 
 extraordinary, anyhow. It is worth the price of admis 
 sion to hear the guide tell the story nine times in succes 
 sion to different parties, and never miss a word or alter a 
 sentence or a gesture. 
 
 Then you drive over the Suspension Bridge, and divide 
 your misery between the chances of smashing down two 
 hundred feet into the river below, and the chances of 
 having the railway train over head smashing down on to 
 you. Either possibility is discomforting taken by itself, 
 but mixed together, they amount in the aggregate to posi 
 tive unhappiness. 
 
 On the Canada side you drive along the chasm between 
 long ranks of photographers standing behind their cam 
 eras, ready to make an ostentatious frontispiece of you 
 and your decaying ambulance, and your solemn crate 
 with a hide on it, which you are expected to regard in 
 the light of a horse, and a diminished and unimportant 
 
NIAGARA, 299 
 
 background of sublime Niagara ; and a great many peo 
 ple have the incredible effrontery or the native depravity 
 to aid and abet this sort of crime. % 
 
 Any day, in the hands of these photographers, you may 
 see stately pictures of papa and mamma, J ohnny and Bub 
 and Sis, or a couple of country cousins, all smiling vacant 
 ly, and all disposed in studied and uncomfortable atti 
 tudes in their carriage, and all looming up in their awe- 
 inspiring imbecility before the snubbed and diminished 
 presentment of that majestic presence whose ministering 
 spirits lire the rainbows, whose voice is the thunder, 
 whose awful front is veiled in clouds, who was monarch 
 here dead and forgotten ages before this hackful oi 
 small reptiles was deemed temporarily necessary to fill 
 a crack in the world s unnoted myriads, and will still be 
 monarch here ages and decades of ages after they shall 
 have gathered themselves to their blood relations, the 
 other worms, and been mingled with the unremembering 
 dust. 
 
 There is no actual harm in making Niagara a back 
 ground whereon to display one s marvellous insignifi 
 cance in a good strong light, but it requires a sort of 
 superhuman self -complacency to enable one to do it. 
 
 When you have examined the stupendous Horseshoe 
 Fall till you are satisfied you cannot improve on it, 
 you return to America by the new suspension bridge, 
 and follow up the bank to where they exhibit the Cave 
 of the Winds. 
 
 Here I followed instructions, and divested myself of all 
 
300 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 my clothing, and put on a waterproof jacket and over- 5 
 alls. This costume is picturesque, but not beautiful. A 
 guide, similarly dressed, led the way down a flight of 
 winding stairs, which wound and wound, and still kept 
 on winding long after the thing ceased to be a novelty, 
 and then terminated long before it had begun to be a 
 , pleasure. We were then well down under the precipice, 
 but still considerably above the level of the river. 
 
 We now began to creep along flimsy bridges of a 
 single plank, our persons shielded from destruction by a 
 crazy wooden railing, to which I clung with both hands 
 not because I was afraid, but because I wanted to 
 Presently the descent became steeper, and the bridge 
 flimsier, and sprays from the American Fall began, 
 to rain down on us in fast-increasing sheets that, 
 soon became blinding, and after that our progress was; 
 mostly in the nature of groping. Now a furious wind 
 began to rush out from behind the waterfall, which 
 seemed determined to sweep us from the bridge, and 
 scatter us on the rocks and among the torrents below. 
 I remarked that I wanted to go home ; but it was too< 
 late. We were almost under the monstrous wall of water 
 thundering down from above, and speech was in vain in 
 the midst of such a pitiless crash of sound. 
 
 In another moment the guide disappeared behind the 
 deluge, and bewildered by the thunder, driven helplessly 
 by the wind, and smitten by the arrowy tempest of rain, 
 I followed. All was darkness. Such a mad storming, 
 roaring, and bellowing of warring wind and water never 
 
NIAGARA. 301 
 
 crazed my ears before. I bent my head and seemed to 
 receive the Atlantic on my back. The world seemed 
 going to destruction. I could not see anything, the 
 flood poured down so savagely. I raised my head, with 
 open mouth, and the most of the American cataract went 
 down my throat. If I had sprung a leak now, I had 
 been lost. And at this moment I discovered that the 
 bridge had ceased, and we must trust for a foothold to 
 the slippery and precipitous rocks. I never was so scared 
 before and survived it. But we got through at last, and 
 emerged into the open day, where we could stand in front 
 of the laced and frothy and seething world of descending 
 water, and look at it. When I saw how much of it there 
 was, and how fearfully in earnest it was, I was sorry I 
 had gone behind it. 
 
 The noble Red Man has always been a friend and dar 
 ling of mine. I love to read about him in tales and 
 legends and romances. I love to read of his inspired 
 sagacity, and his love of the wild free life of mountain 
 and forest, and his general nobility of character, and his 
 stately metaphorical manner of speech, and his chivalrous 
 love for the dusky maiden, and the picturesque pomp of 
 his dress and accoutrements. Especially the picturesque 
 pomp of his dress and accoutrements. When I found the 
 shops at Niagara Falls full of dainty Indian bead-work, 
 and stunning moccasins, and equally stunning toy figures 
 representing human beings who carried their weapons in 
 holes bored through their arms and bodies, and had feet 
 shaped like a pie, I was filled with emotion. I knew that 
 
302 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 QOW, at last, I was going to come face to face with the 
 noble Red Man. 
 
 A lady clerk in a shop told me, indeed, that all her 
 grand array of curiosities were made by the Indians, and 
 that they were plenty about the Falls, and that they 
 were friendly, and it would not be dangerous to speak to 
 them. And sure enough, as I approached the bridge lead 
 ing over to Luna Island, I came upon a noble Son of the 
 Forest sitting under a tree, diligently at work on a bead 
 reticule. He wore a slouch hat and brogans, and had a 
 short black pipe in his mouth. Thus does the baneful 
 contact with our effeminate civilization dilute the pictur 
 esque pomp which is so natural to the Indian when far 
 removed from us in his native haunts. I addressed the 
 relic as follows: 
 
 "Is the Wawhoo- Wang- Wang of the Whack-a- Whack 
 happy ? Does the great Speckled Thunder sigh for the 
 war path, or is his heart contented w :t h dreaming of the 
 dusky maiden, the Pride of the Forest ? Does the mighty 
 Sachem yearn to drink the blood of his enemies, or is he 
 satisfied to make bead reticules for the papooses of the 
 paleface ? Speak, sublime relic of bygone grandeur 
 venerable ruin, speak ! " 
 
 The relic said 
 
 " An is it mesilf, Dennis Hooligan, that ye d be takin 
 for a dirty Injin, ye drawlin , lantern-jawed, spider-legged 
 divil ! By the piper that played before Moses, I ll ate 
 ye! 
 
 I went away from there. 
 
NIAGARA. 303 
 
 By and by, in the neighbourhood of the Terrapin Tow 
 er, I came upon a gentle daughter cf the aborigines in 
 fringed and beaded buckskin moccasins and leggins, seated 
 on a bench, with her pretty wares about her. She had 
 just carved out a wooden chief that had a strong family 
 resemblance to a clothes-pin, and was now boring a hole 
 through his abdomen to put his bow through. - I hesita 
 ted a moment, and then addressed her : 
 
 " Is the heart of the forest maiden heavy ? Is the 
 Laughing Tadpole lonely ? Does she mourn over the 
 extinguished council-fires of her race, and the vanished 
 glory of her ancestors ? Or does her sad spirit wander 
 afar towards the hunting-grounds whither her brave 
 Gobler-of-the-Lightnings is gone ? Why is my daughter 
 silent ? Has she aught against the paleface stranger ? " 
 
 The maiden said 
 
 " Faix, an is it Biddy Malone ye dare to be callin 
 names ? Lave this, or I ll shy your lean carcass over the 
 cataract, ye snivelling blaggard !" 
 
 I adjourned from there also. 
 
 " Confound these Indians ! " I said. " They told me 
 they were tame ; but, if appearances go for anything, I 
 should say they were all on the war path." 
 
 I made one more attempt to fraternize with them, and 
 only one. I came upon a camp of them gathered in the 
 shade of a great tree, making wampum and moccasins, 
 and addressed them in the language of friendship : 
 
 " Noble Red Men, Braves, Grand Sachems, War 
 Chiefs, Squaws, and High Muck a-Mucks ; ths paleface 
 
304 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 from the land of the setting sun greets you I You, Bene 
 ficent Polecat you, Devourer of Mountains you, Roar 
 ing Thundergust you, Bully Boy with a Glass eye 
 the paleface from beyond the great waters greets you all ! 
 War and pestilence have thinned your ranks, and destroy 
 ed your once proud nation. Poker and seven-up, and a 
 vain modern expense for soap, unknown to your glorious 
 ancestors, have depleted your purses. Appropriating, in 
 your simplicity, the property of others, has gotten you 
 into trouble. Misrepresenting facts, in your simple in 
 nocence, has damaged your reputation with the soulless 
 usurper. Trading for forty-rod whiskey, to enable you 
 to get drunk and happy and tomahawk your families, 
 has played the everlasting mischief with the picturesque 
 pomp of your dress, and here you are, in the broad light 
 of the nineteenth century, gotten up like the ragtag 
 and bobtail of the purlieus of New York. For shame ! 
 Remember your ancestors ! Recall their mighty deeds ! 
 Remember TJncas ! and Red Jacket ! and Hole in the 
 Day ! and Whoopdedoodledo ! Emulate their achieve 
 ments ! Unfurl yourselves under my banner, noble 
 savages, illustrious guttersnipes " 
 
 " Down wid him ! " " Scoop the blaggard 1 " "Burn 
 him I " " Hang him ! " " Dhround him ! " 
 
 It was the quickest operation that ever was. I simply 
 saw a sudden flash in the air of clubs, brickbats, fists, 
 bead-baskets, and moccasins a single flash, and they 
 all appeared to hit me at once, and no two of them in the 
 same place. In the next instant the entire tribe was up- 
 
NIAGARA. 805 
 
 oft me. They tore half the clothes off me ; they broke 
 my arms and legs ; they gave me a thump that dented 
 the top of my head bill it would hold coffee like a saucer; 
 and, to crown their disgraceful proceedings and add 
 insult to injury, they threw me over the Niagara Falls, 
 and I got wet. 
 
 About ninety or a hundred feet from the top, the re 
 mains of my vest caught on a projecting rock, and I was 
 almost drowned before I could get loose. I finally fell, 
 and brought up in a world of white foam at the foot of the 
 Fall, whose celled and bubbly masses towered up several 
 inches above my head. Of course I got into the eddy. 
 I sailed round and round in it forty-four times chasing 
 a chip and gaining on it each round trip a half mile 
 reaching for the same bush on the bank forty-four times, 
 and just exactly missing it by a hair s-breadth every time. 
 
 At last a man walked down and sat down close to that 
 bush, and put a pipe in his mouth, and lit a match, and 
 followed me with one eye and kept the other on the 
 match, while he sheltered it in his hands from the wind. 
 Presently a puff of wind blew it out. The next time I 
 swept around he said 
 
 " Got a match ? " 
 
 " Yes ; in my other vest. Help me out, please." 
 
 " Not for Joe." 
 
 When I came round again, I said 
 
 "Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a 
 drowning man, but will you explain this singular con 
 duct of yours ?" 
 
306 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 "With pleasure. I am the coroner. Don t hurry 
 on my account. I can wait for you. But I wish I had 
 a match." 
 
 I said" Take ray place, and I ll go and get you one." 
 He declined. This lack of confidence on his part created 
 a coldness between us, and from that time forward I 
 avoided him. It was my idea, in case anything happened 
 to me, to so time the occurrence as to throw my custom 
 into the hands of the opposition coroner over on the 
 American side. 
 
 At last a policeman came along, and arrested me for 
 disturbing the peace by yelling at the people on shore 
 for help. The judge fined me, but I had the advantage 
 of him. My money was with my pantaloons and my 
 pantaloons were with the Indians. 
 
 Thus I escaped. I am now lying in a very critical 
 condition. At least I am lying anyway critical or not 
 critical. I am hurt all over, but I cannot tell the full ex 
 tent yet, because the doctor is not done taking inven 
 tory. He will make out my manifest this evening. How 
 ever, thus far he thinks only sixteen of my wounds are 
 fatal. I don t mind the others. 
 
 Upon regaining my right mind, I said 
 "It is an awful savage tribe of Indians thtt do the 
 bead work and moccasins for Niagara Falls, doctor. Where 
 are they from ? 
 
 "Limerick, my son." 
 
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. SO? 
 
 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS, 
 
 "M ORAL STATISTICIA1S[ -" T don>t want an y o 
 
 IVJL your statistics ; I took your whole batch and lit 
 my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. You are 
 always ciphering out how much a man s health is 
 injured, and how much his intellect is impaired, 
 and how many pitiful dollars and cents he wastes in the 
 course of ninety-two years indulgence in the fatal prac 
 tice of smoking ; and in the equally fatal practice of 
 drinking coffee , and in playing billiards occasionally ; 
 and in taking a glass of wine at dinner, etc. .etc., etc. And 
 you are always figuring out how many women have been 
 burned to death because of the dangerous fashion of 
 wearing expansive hoops, etc., etc., etc. You never see 
 more than one side of the question. You are blind to the 
 fact that most old men smoke and drink coffee, although, 
 according to your theory, they ought to have died young ; 
 and that hearty old Englishmen drink wine and survive 
 it, and portly old. Dutchmen both drink and smoke freely, 
 and yet grow older and fatter all the time. And you 
 never try to find out how much solid comfort, relaxation, 
 and enjoyment a man derives from smoking in the course 
 of a lifetime (which is worth ten times the money he 
 
308 SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 would save by letting it alone), nor the appalling aggre 
 gate of happiness lost in a lifetime by your kind of peo 
 ple from not smoking. Of course you can save money by 
 denying yourself all those little vicious enjoyments for 
 fifty years ; but then what can you do with it ? What 
 use can you put it to ? Money can t save your infinitesi 
 mal soul. All the use that money can be put to is to 
 purchase comfort and enjoyment in this life ; therefore, 
 as you are an enemy to comfort and enjoyment, where is 
 the use of accumulating cash ? It won t do for you to 
 say that you can use it to better purpose in furnish 
 ing a good table, and in charities, and in supporting tract 
 societies, because you know yourself -that you people who 
 have no petty vices are never known to give away a cent, 
 and that you stint yourself so in the matter of food that 
 you are always feeble and hungry. And you never dare 
 to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor wretch, seeing 
 you in a good humour, will try to borrow a dollar of you ; 
 and in church you are always down on your knees, with 
 your eyes buried in the cushion, when the contribution- 
 box comes around ; and you never give the revenue offi 
 cers a full statement of your income. Now you know 
 all these things yourself, don t you ? Very well, then, 
 what is the use of your stringing out your miserable lives to 
 a lean and withered old age ? What is the use of your 
 saving money that is so utterly worthless to you ? In a 
 word, why don t you go off somewhere and die, and not 
 be always trying to seduce people into becoming as 
 " ornery " and unlovable as you are yourselves, by your 
 
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 309 
 
 villainous " moral statistics ?" Now, I don t approve of 
 dissipation, and I don t indulge in it either; but I haven t 
 a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming 
 petty vices, and so I don t want to hear from you any 
 more. I think you are the very same man who read me 
 a long lecture last week about the degrading vice of 
 smoking cigars, and then came back in my absence, with 
 your reprehensible fire-proof gloves on, and carried off 
 my beautiful parlour stove. 
 
 " YOUNG AUTHOR." Yes, Agassiz does recommend 
 authors to eat fish, because the phosphorous in it makes 
 brains. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you 
 to a decision about the amount you need to eat at least, 
 not with certainty. If the specimen composition you 
 send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that 
 perhaps a couple of whales would be all you would want 
 for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good, 
 middling-sized whales. 
 
 " SIMON WHEELER," Sonora. The following simple 
 and touching remarks and accompanying poem have just 
 come to hand from the rich gold-mining region of 
 Sonora : 
 
 To Mr. Mark Twain: The within parson, which I have set to poetry un 
 der the name and style of "He Done His Level Best," was one among the 
 whitest men I ever see, and it an t every man that knowed him that can find 
 it in his heart to say he s glad the poor cuss is busted and gone home to 
 the States. He was here in an early day, and he was the handyest man 
 about takin holt of anything that come along you most ever see, I judge. 
 He was a cheerful, stirrin cretur always doin somethin , and no man can 
 say he ever see him do anything by halvers. Preachin was hi* nateral 
 
310 SKETCHES BY MATyE TWAIN. 
 
 gait, but he warn t a man to lay back and twidle his thumbs because there 
 didn t happen to be nothin doin in his own especial line no, sir, he was a 
 man who would meander forth and stir up something for hisself. His last 
 acts was to go his pile on "kings-and" (calldatin to fill, but which he 
 didn t fill), when there was a "flush " out agin him, and naterally, you see, 
 he went under. And so he was cleaned out, as you may say, and he struck 
 the home-trail, cheerful but flat broke. I knowed this talonted man in 
 Arkansaw, and if you would print this humbly tribute to his gorgis abilities, 
 you would greatly obleege his onhappy friend. 
 
 HE DONE HIS LEVEL BEST, 
 
 Was he a mining on the flat 
 
 He done it with a zest ; 
 Was he a leading of the choir 
 
 He done his level best. 
 
 If he d a reg lar task to do, 
 
 He never took no rest ; 
 Or if twas off-and-on the same 
 
 He done his level best. 
 
 If he was preachin on his beat, 
 
 He d tramp from east to west, 
 And north to south in cold and heat 
 
 He done his level best. 
 
 He d yank a sinner outen (Hades), * 
 
 And land him with the blest ; 
 Then snatch a prayer n waltz in again, 
 
 And do his level best. 
 
 He d cuss and sing and howl and pray, 
 
 And dance and drink and jest, 
 And lie and steal all one to him 
 
 He done his level best. 
 
 Whate er this man was sot to do, 
 
 He done it with a zest : 
 No matter what his contract was, 
 
 HE D DO HIS LEVEL BEST. 
 
 * Mere I have taken a slight liberty with the original MS. "Hades" 
 does not make such good [metre as the other word of one syllable, but it 
 sounds better. 
 
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 
 
 Verily, this man was gifted with " gorgis abilities," and 
 it is happiness to me to embalm the memory of their 
 lustre in these columns. If it were not that the poet 
 crop is unusually large and rank in California this year I 
 would encourage you to continue writing, Simon Wheeler ; 
 but, as it is, perhaps it might be too risky in you to enter 
 against so much opposition. 
 
 "PROFESSIONAL BEGGAR." No ; you are not obliged to 
 take greenbacks at par. 
 
 MELTON MOWBRAY," * Dutch Flat Tins correspon 
 dent sends a lot of doggerel, and says it has been regard 
 ed as very good in Dutch Flat. I give a specimen 
 verse : 
 
 "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold, 
 And his cohorts were gleaming with purple and gold ; 
 And the sheen of his spears was like stars on the sea ; 
 When the blue wave roUs nightly on deep Galilee." 
 
 There, that will do. That may be very good Dutch 
 Flat poetry, but it won t do in the metropolis. It is too 
 smooth and blubbery; it reads like buttermilk gurgling 
 from a jug. What the people ought to have is something 
 spirited-something like "Johnny Comes Marching Home." 
 However, keep on practising, and you may succeed yet. 
 There is genius in you, but too much blubber. 
 
 *This piece of pleasantry, published in a San Francisco paper, wa mis 
 taken by the country journals for seriousness, and many and loud were 
 denunciations of the ignorance of author and editor, in not knowing that 
 the lines in question were " written by Byron.- 
 
312 SKETCHES BY MAKK TWAIJS. 
 
 "ST. CLAIB HIGGHNS," Los Angeles. "My life is a failure ; I have adored, 
 wildly, madly and she whom I love has turned coldly from me and shed her 
 affections upon another. What would you advise me to do ? " 
 
 You should set your affections on another also or on 
 veral, if there are enough to go round. Also, do every 
 thing you can to make your former flame unhappy. 
 There is an absurd idea disseminated in novels, that the 
 happier a girl is with another man, the happier it makes 
 the old lover she has blighted. Don t allow yourself to 
 bflieve any such nonsense as that. The more cause that 
 girl finds to regret that she did not marry you, the more 
 comfortable you will feel over it. It isn t poetical, but it 
 is mighty sound doctrine. 
 
 "ARITHMETICTTS." Virginia, Nevada. "If it would take a cannon ball 
 3 1-3 seconds to travel four miles, and 33-8 seconds to travel the next four, 
 and 3 5-8 to travel the next four, and if its rate of progress continued to 
 diminish in the same ratio, how long would it take it to go fifteen hundred 
 millions of miles ? 
 
 I don t know. 
 
 "AMBITIOUS LEARNER," Oakland. Yes; you are right 
 America was not discovered by Alexander Selkirk. 
 
 "DISCARDED LOVER." " I loved, and still love, the beautiful Edwitha 
 Howard, and intended to marry her. Yet, during my temporary absence 
 at Benicia, last week, alas ! she married Jones. Is my happiness to be thus 
 blasted for life ? Have I no redress? " 
 
 Of course you have. All the law, written and unwrit 
 ten, is on your side. The intention and not the act con 
 stitutes crime in other words, constitutes the deed. If 
 you call your bosom friend a fool, and intend it for an 
 insult, it is an insult ; but if you do it playfully, and 
 
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 313 
 
 meaning no insult, it is not an insult. If you discharge 
 a pistol accidentally, and kill a man, you can go free, for 
 you have done no murder ; but if you try to kill a man, 
 and manifestly intend to kill him, but fail utterly to do 
 it, the law still holds that the intention constituted the 
 crime, and you are guilty of murder. Ergo, if you had 
 married Edwitha accidentally, and without really intend 
 ing to do it, you would not actually be married to her at 
 all, because the act of marriage could not be complete 
 without the intention. And ergo, in the strict spirit of 
 the law, since you deliberately intended to marry Ed 
 witha, and dfthi t do it, you are married to her all the 
 same because, as I said before, the intention consti 
 tutes the crime. It is as clear as day that Edwitha is 
 your wife, and your redress lies in taking a club and 
 mutilating Jones with it as much as you can. Any man 
 has a right to protect his own wife from the advances of 
 other men. But you have another alternative you were 
 married to Edwitha first, because of your deliberate in 
 tention, and now you can prosecute her for bigamy, in 
 subsequently marrying Jones. But there is another 
 phase in this complicated case : You intended to marry 
 Edwitha, and consequently, according to law, she is your 
 wife there is no getting around that; but she didn t 
 marry you, and it she never intended to marry you, you 
 are not her husband, of course. Ergo, in marrying 
 Jones, she was guilty of bigamy, because she was the 
 wife of another man at the time ; which is all very well 
 as far as it goes but then, don t you see, she had no 
 
SKETCHES BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 other husband when she married Jones, and, consequent 
 ly she was not guilty of bigamy. Now, according to this 
 view of the case, Jones married a spinster, who was a 
 widow at the same time and another man s ivife at the 
 same time, and yet who had no husband and never had 
 one, and never had any intention of getting married, and 
 therefore, of course, never had been married ; and by 
 the same reasoning you are a bachelor, because you have 
 never been any one s husband ; and a married man, be- 
 cause you have a wife living ; and to all intents and pur 
 poses a widower, because you have been deprived of that 
 wife ; and a consummate ass for going off to Benicia in 
 the first place, while things were so mixed. And by 
 this time I have got myself so tangled up in the intrica 
 cies of this extraordinary case that I shall have to give 
 up any farther attempt to advise you I might get con 
 fused and fail to make myself understood. I think I 
 could take up the argument where I left off , and by fol 
 lowing it closely awhile, perhaps I could prove to your 
 satisfaction, either that you never existed at all, or that 
 you are dead now, and consequently don t need the faith 
 less Edwitha I think I could do that, if it would afford 
 you any comfort. 
 
 " ARTHUR AUGUSTUS." No ; you are wrong ; that is 
 the proper way to throw a brickbat or a tomahawk ; but 
 it doesn t answer so well for a bouquet ; you will hurt 
 somebody if you keep it up. Turn your nosegay upside 
 down, take it by the stems, and toss it with an upward 
 
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 315 
 
 sweep. Did you ever pitch quoits? that is the idea. 
 The practice of recklessly heaving immense solid bouquets, 
 of the general size and weight of prize cabbages, from 
 the dizzy altitude of the galleries, is dangerous and very 
 reprehensible. Now, night before last, at the Academy 
 of Music, just after Signorina had finished that ex 
 quisite melody, " The Last Rose of Summer," one of these 
 floral pile-drivers came cleaving down through the at 
 mosphere of applause, and if she hadn t deployed sud 
 denly to the right, it would have driven her into the floor 
 like a shingle-nail. Of course that bouquet was well 
 meant ; but how would you like to have been the target? 
 A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long 
 as you don t try to knock her down with it. 
 
 " YOUNG MOTHER." And so you think a baby is a 
 thing of beauty and a joy forever ? Well, the idea is 
 pleasing, but not original ; every cow thinks the same 
 of its own calf. Perhaps the cow may not think it so 
 elegantly, but still she thinks it nevertheless. I honour 
 the cow for it. We all honour this touching maternal 
 instinct wherever we find it, be it in the home of luxury 
 or in the humble cow-shed. But really, madam, when I 
 come to examine the matter in all its bearings, I find 
 that the correctness of your assertion does not assert it 
 self in all cases. A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, 
 cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty ; 
 and inasmuch as babyhood spans but three short years, 
 no baby is competent to be a joy " forever," It 
 
316 SKETCHES BY MAKE TWAIN. 
 
 thus to demolish two-thirds of your pretty sentiments in 
 a single sentence ; but the position I hold in this chair 
 requires that I shall not permit you to deceive and mis 
 lead the public with your plausible figures of speech. I 
 know a female baby, aged eighteen months, in this city, 
 which cannot hold out as a "joy " twenty- four hours on a 
 stretch, let alone " forever." And it possesses some of 
 the most remarkable eccentricities of character and ap 
 petite that have ever fallen under my notice. I will set 
 down here a statement of this infant s operations (con 
 ceived, planned, and carried out by itself, and without 
 suggestion or assistance from its mother or any one else), 
 during a single day ; and what I shall say can be sub 
 stantiated by the sworn testimony of witnesses. 
 
 It commenced by eating one dozen large blue-mass 
 pills, box and all ; then it fell down a flight of stairs, and 
 rose with a blue and purple knot on its forehead, after 
 which it proceeded in quest of further refreshment and 
 amusement. It found ; glass trinket ornamented with 
 brass- work smashed up and ate the glass, and then 
 swallowed the brass. Then it drank about twenty drops 
 of laudanum, and more than a dozen tablespoonsf ul of 
 strong spirits of camphor. The reason why it took no 
 more laudanum was because there was no more to take. 
 After this it lay down on its back, and shoved five or six 
 inches of a silver-headed whale-bone cane down its throat ; 
 got it fast there, and it was all its mother could do to pull 
 the cane out again, without pulling out some of the child 
 with it. Then being hunsrrv for srlass again, it broke up 
 
NSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 317 
 
 several wine-glasses, and fell to eating and swallowing 
 the fragments, not minding a cut or two., Then it ate a 
 quantity of butter, pepper, salt, and California matches, 
 actually taking a spoonful of butter, a spoonful of salt, a 
 spoonful of pepper, and three or four lucifer matches at 
 each mouthful. (I will remark here that this thing of 
 beauty likes painted German lucif ers, and eats all she can 
 get of them ; but she prefers California matches, which I 
 regard as a compliment to our home manufactures of 
 more than ordinary value, coming, as it does, from one 
 who is too young to flatter.) Then she washed her head 
 with soap and water, and afterwards ate what soap was 
 left, and drank as much of the suds as she had room for; 
 after which she sallied forth and took the cow familiarly 
 by the tail, and got kicked heels over head. At odd 
 times during the day, when this joy for ever happened to 
 have nothing particular on hand, she put in the time by 
 climbing up on places, and falling down off them, uni 
 formly damaging herself in the operation. As young as 
 she is she speaks many words tolerably distinctly ; and 
 being plain spoken in other respects, blunt and jfco the 
 point, she opens conversation with all strangers, male or 
 female, with the same formula, "How do, Jim?" Not 
 being familiar with the ways of children, it is possible 
 that I have been magnifying into matter of surprise 
 things which may not strike any one who is familiar with 
 infancy as being at all astonishing. However, I cannot 
 believe that such is the case, and so I repeat that my re 
 port of this baby s performances is strictly true j and if 
 
318 SKETCHES BY MAEK TWAIN. 
 
 any one doubts it, I can produce the child. I will fur 
 ther engage that she will devour anything that is given 
 her (reserving to myself only the right to exclude anvils), 
 and fall down from any place to which she may be elevat 
 ed ( merely stipulating that her preference for alighting 
 on her head shall be respected, and, therefore, that the 
 elevation chosen shall be high enough to enable her to 
 
 o o 
 
 accomplish this to her satisfaction.) But I find I have 
 wandered from my subject ; so, without further argument 
 I will reiterate my conviction that not all babies are 
 tilings of beauty and joys forever. 
 
 " ABITHMETICUS, " Virginia, Nevada. "I am an enthusiastic student of 
 mathematics, and it is so vexatious to me to find my progress constantly im 
 peded by these mysterious arithmetical technicalities. Now do tell me 
 what the difference is between geometry and conchology ? " 
 
 Here you come again with your arithmetical conun 
 drums, when I am suffering death with a cold in the 
 head. If you could have seen the expression of scorn that 
 darkened my countenance a moment ago, and was instant 
 ly split from the centre in every direction like a fractured 
 looking-glass by my last meeze, you never would have 
 written that disgraceful question. Conchology is a 
 science which has nothing to do with mathematics : it 
 relates only to shells. At the same time, however, a man 
 w r ho opens oysters for a hotel, or shells a fortified town, 
 or sucks eggs, is not, strictly speaking, a conchologist a 
 fine stroke of sarcasm that, but it will be lost on such an 
 uniiitellectual clam as you. Now compare conchology 
 and geometry together, and you will see what the differ- 
 
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 319 
 
 ence is, and your question will be answered. But don t 
 torture me with any more arithmetical horrors until you 
 know I am rid of my cold. I feel the bitterest animosity 
 towards you at this moment bothering me in this \v a y 
 when I can do nothing but sneeze and rage and snort 
 pocket-handkerchiefs to atoms. If I had you in range of 
 ray nose, now, I would blow your brainy out. 
 
 

 
 - 
 
RETURN CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT 
 
 TO ^ 202 Main Library 
 
 LOAN PERIOD 1 
 HOME USE 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 4 
 
 5 
 
 6 
 
 ALL BOOKS MAY BE RECALLED AFTER 7 DAYS 
 
 DUE AS STAMPED BELOW 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, 
 FORM NO. DD6, 60m, 1/83 BERKELEY, CA9472< 
 
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY