A FOOL 
 
 MONEY 
 
 CEORG! BARR 
 MSCUTCHPON
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 /v <
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY
 
 ED S BOOK SHOP 
 
 Books, Magazines, Stationery 
 Novefe and r reeti * ards 
 
 1808 PACIFIC WENUE 
 VENICE, CALIFORNIA 
 
 BY THE SAME AUTHOR 
 GRAUSTARK 
 CASTLE CRANEYCROW 
 BREWSTEB S MILLIONS 
 THE SHERBODS 
 THE DAY OF THE DOG 
 BEVERLY OF GRAUSTARK 
 THE PURPLE PARASOL 
 NEDRA 
 
 COWARDICE COURT 
 JANE CABLE 
 THE FLYERS 
 
 THE DAUGHTER OF ANDERSON 
 THE HUSBANDS OF EDITH 
 THE MAN FROM BRODNEY S 
 THE ALTERNATIVE 
 TBUXTON KING 
 THE BUTTEBFLY MAN 
 THE ROSE IN THE RING 
 WH AT S-HIS-NA ME 
 MABY MIDTHORNE 
 HER WEIGHT IN GOLD 
 THE HOLLOW OF HER HANDS 
 A FOOL AND His MONEY
 
 m - . : -. 
 
 In the aperture stood my ama/.ing neighbor. (Page 18l)
 
 AND HIS MONEY 
 
 BY | 
 GEORGE BARR ^McCUTCHEON 
 
 Author of "Graustark," "Truxton King," etc. 
 
 With Illustrations by 
 A. I. KELLER 
 
 NEW YORK 
 DODD, MEAD AND COMPANY 
 
 1913
 
 COPYRIGHT, 191S 
 BY GEORGE BARR McCUTCHEON 
 
 Published, September, 1913
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 ] / 
 
 : 
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 I I AfAKE No EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 
 
 II I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 
 
 III I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY ... 
 
 IV I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 
 
 V I MEET THE FOE AND FALL ... 
 
 VI I Discuss MATRIMONY 
 
 VII I RECEIVE VISITORS 
 
 VIII I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 
 
 IX I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER . . . 
 
 X I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY . . . 
 
 XI I AM INVITED TO LEND MONEY . . 
 
 XII I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE . 
 
 XIII I VISIT AND AM VISITED 
 
 XIV I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO . . 
 XV I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 
 
 XVI I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 
 
 XVII I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS . 
 
 XVIII I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST .. 
 
 XIX I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 
 
 XX I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 
 
 XXI SHE PROPOSES 
 
 PAGE 
 
 . 1 
 
 20 
 
 . 44 
 62 
 
 . 81 
 
 103 
 
 121 
 
 137 
 
 .154 
 
 .176 
 
 .191 
 
 . 208 
 
 227 
 
 . 250 
 
 269 
 
 . 287 
 
 . 304 
 
 . 324 
 
 341 
 
 357 
 
 371
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 In the aperture stood my amazing neighbour 
 
 (Page 181) Frontitpiece 
 
 PAGE 
 
 I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white figure 
 
 of a woman who stood in the topmost balcony . 18 
 
 I sat bolt upright and yelled: "Get out!" .... 72 
 We faced each other across the bowl of roses . . .168 
 
 Up to that moment I had wondered whether I could do 
 
 it with my left hand 306
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY
 
 ED S BOOK SHOP 
 
 Books, Magazines, Stationwy 
 Novelties and Greeting Card! 
 
 1808 PACIFIC AVENUf 
 VENICE, CALIFORNIA 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 
 
 I AM quite sure it was my Uncle Rilas who said that I 
 was a fool. If memory serves me well he relieved him 
 self of that conviction in the presence of my mother 
 whose brother he was at a time when I was least 
 competent to acknowledge his wisdom and most arro 
 gant in asserting my own. I was a freshman in col 
 lege : a fact or condition, perhaps, which should 
 serve as an excuse for both of us. I possessed an 
 other uncle, incidentally, and while I am now con 
 vinced that he must have felt as Uncle Rilas did about 
 it, he was one of those who suffer in silence. The 
 nearest he ever got to openly resenting me as a fresh 
 man was when he admitted, as if it were a crime, that 
 he too had been in college and knew less when he came 
 out than when he entered. Which was a mild way of 
 putting it, I am sure, considering the fact that he re 
 mained there for twenty-three years as a distinguished 
 member of the faculty. 
 
 I assume, therefore, that it was Uncle Rilas who 
 orally convicted me, an assumption justified to some 
 extent by putting two and two together after the poor 
 old gentleman was laid away for his long sleep. He 
 had been very emphatic in his belief that a fool and 
 his money are soon parted. Up to the time of his 
 death I had been in no way qualified to dispute this 
 ancient theory. In theory, no doubt, I was the kind 
 of fool he referred to, but in practice I was quite 
 an untried novice. It is very hard for even a fool to
 
 2 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 part with something he hasn t got. True, I parted 
 with the little I had at college with noteworthy prompt 
 ness about the middle of each term, but that could 
 hardly have been called a fair test for the adage. 
 Not until Uncle Rilas died and left me all of his money 
 was I able to demonstrate that only dead men and 
 fools part with it. The distinction lies in the capacity 
 for enjoyment while the sensation lasts. Dead men 
 part with it because they have to, fools because they 
 want to. 
 
 In any event, Uncle Rilas did not leave me his 
 money until my freshman days were far behind me, 
 wherein lies the solace that he may have outgrown an 
 opinion while I was going through the same process. 
 At twenty-three I confessed that all freshmen were in 
 sufferable, and immediately afterward took my degree 
 and went out into the world to convince it that seniors 
 are by no means adolescent. Having successfully 
 passed the age of reason, I too felt myself admirably 
 qualified to look with scorn upon all creatures em 
 ployed in the business of getting an education. There 
 were times when I wondered how on earth I could have 
 stooped so low as to be a freshman. I still have the 
 disquieting fear that my uncle did not modify his 
 opinion of me until I was thoroughly over being a 
 senior. You will note that I do not say he changed 
 his opinion. Modify is the word. 
 
 His original estimate of me, as a freshman, of course, 
 was uttered when I, at the age of eighteen, picked 
 out my walk in life, so to speak. After considering 
 everything, I decided to be a literary man. A novelist 
 or a playwright, I hadn t much of a choice between the 
 two, or perhaps a journalist. Being a journalist, of 
 course, was preliminary ; a sort of makeshift. At any
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 3 
 
 rate, I was going to be a writer. My Uncle Rilas, a 
 hard-headed customer who had read Scott as a boy 
 and the Wall Street news as a man, without being 
 misled by either, was scornful. He said that I would 
 outgrow it, there was some consolation in that. He 
 even admitted that when he was seventeen he wanted 
 to be an actor. There you are, said he! I declared 
 there was a great difference between being an actor 
 and being a writer. Only handsome men can be actors, 
 while I well, by nature I was doomed to be nothing 
 more engaging than a novelist, who doesn t have to 
 spoil an illusion by showing himself in public. 
 
 Besides, I argued, novelists make a great deal of 
 money, and playwrights too, for that matter. He said 
 in reply that an ordinarily vigorous washerwoman 
 could make more money than the average novelist, and 
 she always had a stocking without a hole to keep it in, 
 which was more to the point. 
 
 Now that I come to think of it, it was Uncle Rilas 
 who oracularly prejudged me, and not Uncle John, 
 who was by way of being a sort of literary chap him 
 self and therefore lamentably unqualified to guide me 
 in any course whatsoever, especially as he had all he 
 could do to keep his own wolf at bay without encour 
 aging mine, and who, besides teaching good English, 
 loved it wisely and too well. I think Uncle Rilas 
 would have held Uncle John up to me as an example, 
 a scarecrow, you might say, if it hadn t been for 
 the fact that he loved him in spite of his English. He 
 must have loved me in spite of mine. 
 
 My mother felt in her heart that I ought to be a 
 doctor or a preacher, but she wasn t mean: she was 
 positive I could succeed as a writer if I set my mind 
 to it. She was also sure that I could be President
 
 4 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 of the United States or perhaps even a Bishop. We 
 were Episcopalian. 
 
 When I was twenty-seven my first short story ap 
 peared in a magazine of considerable weight, due to 
 its advertising pages, but my Uncle Rilas didn t read 
 it until I had convinced him that the honorarium 
 amounted to three hundred dollars. Even then I was 
 obliged to promise him a glimpse of the check when I 
 got it. Somewhat belated, it came in the course of 
 three or four months with a rather tart letter in which 
 I was given to understand that it wasn t quite the 
 thing to pester a great publishing house with queries 
 of the kind I had been so persistent in propounding. 
 But at last Uncle Rilas saw the check and was prop 
 erly impressed. He took back what he said about the 
 washerwoman, but gave me a little further advice con 
 cerning the stocking. 
 
 In course of time my first novel appeared. It was 
 a love story. Uncle Rilas read the first five chapters 
 and then skipped over to the last page. Then he 
 began it all over again and sat up nearly all night to 
 finish it. The next day he called it " trash " but in 
 vited me to have luncheon with him at the Metropolitan 
 Club, and rather noisily introduced me to a few old 
 cronies of his, who were not sufficiently interested in 
 me to enquire what my name was a trifling detail 
 he had overlooked in presenting me as his nephew 
 but who did ask me to have a drink. 
 
 A month later, he died. He left me a fortune, which 
 was all the more staggering in view of the circum 
 stance that had seen me named for my Uncle John and 
 not for him. 
 
 It was not long afterward that I made a. perfect 
 fool of myself by falling in love. It turned out very
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 5 
 
 badly. I can t imagine what got into me to want to 
 commit bigamy after I had already proclaimed myself 
 to be irrevocably wedded to my profession. Never 
 theless, I deliberately coveted the experience, and 
 would have attained to it no doubt had it not been for 
 the young woman in the case. She would have none 
 of me, but with considerable independence of spirit 
 and, I must say, noteworthy acumen, elected to wed a 
 splendid looking young fellow who clerked in a jewel 
 ler s shop in Fifth Avenue. They had been engaged 
 for several years, it seems, and my swollen fortune 
 failed to disturb her sense of fidelity. Perhaps you 
 "will be interested enough in a girl who could refuse 
 to share a fortune of something like three hundred 
 thousand dollars (not counting me, of course) 
 to let me tell you briefly who and what she was. She 
 was my typist. That is to say, she did piece-work for 
 me as I happened to provide substance for her active 
 fingers to work upon when she wasn t typing law briefs 
 in the regular sort of grind. Not only was she an 
 able typist, but she was an exceedingly wholesome, 
 handsome and worthy young woman. I think I came 
 to like her with genuine resolution when I discovered 
 that she could spell correctly and had the additional 
 knack of uniting my stray infinitives with stubborn 
 purposefulness, as well as the ability to administer 
 my grammar with tact and discretion. 
 
 Unfortunately she loved the jeweller s clerk. She 
 tried to convince me, with a sweetness I shall never 
 forget, that she was infinitely better suited to be a 
 jeweller s wife than to be a weight upon the neck of 
 a genius. Moreover, when I foolishly mentioned my 
 snug fortune as an extra inducement, she put me 
 smartly in my place by remarking that fortunes like
 
 6 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 wine are made in a day while really excellent jeweller s 
 clerks are something like thirty years in the making. 
 Which, I take it, was as much as to sav that there 
 is always room for improvement in a r .... I confess 
 I was somewhat disturbed by one of her gentlest re 
 marks. She seemed to be repeating my Uncle Rilas, 
 although I am quite sure she had never heard of him. 
 She argued that the fortune might take wings and 
 fly away, and then what would be to pay ! Of course, 
 it was perfectly clear to me, stupid as I must have 
 been, that she preferred the jeweller s clerk to a for 
 tune. 
 
 I was loth to lose her as a typist. The exact point 
 where I appear to have made a fool of myself was 
 when I first took it into my head that I could make 
 something else of her. I not only lost a competent 
 typist, but I lost a great deal of sleep, and had to go 
 abroad for awhile, as men do when they find out un 
 pleasant things about themselves in just that way. 
 
 I gave her as a wedding present a very costly and 
 magnificent dining-room set, fondly hoping that the 
 jeweller s clerk would experience a great deal of 
 trouble in living up to it. At first I had thought of 
 a Marie Antoinette bedroom set, but gave it up when 
 I contemplated the cost. 
 
 If you will pardon me, I shall not go any further 
 into this lamentable love affair. I submit, in extenua 
 tion, that people do not care to be regaled with the 
 heartaches of past affairs ; they are only interested 
 in those which appear to be in the process of active 
 development or retrogression. Suffice to say, I was 
 terribly cut up over the way my first serious affair of 
 the heart turned out, and tried my best to hate myself 
 for letting it worry me. Somehow I was able to at-
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 7 
 
 tribute the fiasco to an inborn sense of shyness that 
 has always made me faint-hearted, dilatory and un- 
 aggressiv^- No doubt if I had gone about it rough 
 shod and fi"^y I could have played hob with the 
 excellent jeweller s peace of mind, to say the least, but 
 alas ! I succeeded only in approaching at a time when 
 there was nothing left for me to do but to start him 
 off in life with a mild handicap in the shape of a 
 dining-room set that would not go with anything else 
 he had in the apartment. 
 
 Still, some men, no matter how shy and procrasti 
 nating they may be or reluctant, for that matter 
 are doomed to have love affairs thrust upon them, as 
 you will perceive if you follow the course of this nar 
 rative to the bitter end. 
 
 In order that you may know me when you see me 
 struggling through these pages, as one might struggle 
 through a morass on a dark night, I shall take the 
 liberty of describing myself in the best light possible 
 under the circumstances. 
 
 I am a tallish sort of person, moderately homely, 
 and not quite thirty-five. I am strong but not athletic. 
 Whatever physical development I possess was acquired 
 through the ancient and honourable game of golf and 
 in swimming. In both of these sports I am quite 
 proficient. My nose is rather long and inquisitive, 
 and my chin is considered to be singularly firm for 
 one who has no ambition to become a hero. My thatch 
 is abundant and quite black. I understand that my 
 eyes are green when I affect a green tie, light blue when 
 I put on one of that delicate hue, and curiously yellow 
 when I wear brown about my neck. Not that I really 
 need them, but I wear nose glasses when reading: to 
 s/ive my eyes, of course. I sometimes wear them in
 
 8 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 public, with a very fetching and imposing black band 
 draping across my expanse of shirt front. I find this 
 to be most effective when sitting in a box at the theatre. 
 My tailor is a good one. I shave myself clean with an 
 old-fashioned razor and find it to be quite safe and 
 tractable. My habits are considered rather good, and 
 I sang bass in the glee club. So there you are. Not 
 quite what you would call a lady killer, or even a 
 lady s man, I fancy you ll say. 
 
 You will be surprised to learn, however, that secretly 
 I am of a rather romantic, imaginative turn of mind. 
 Since earliest childhood I have consorted with prin 
 cesses and ladies of high degree, mentally, of 
 course, and my bosom companions have been knights 
 of valour and longevity. Nothing could have suited 
 me better than to have been born in a feudal castle a 
 few centuries ago, from which I should have sallied 
 forth in full armour on the slightest provocation and 
 returned in glory when there was no one left in the 
 neighbourhood to provoke me. 
 
 Even now, as I make this astounding statement, I 
 can t help thinking of that confounded jeweller s clerk. 
 
 At thirty-five I am still unattached and, so far as 
 I can tell, unloved. What more could a sensible, ex 
 perienced bachelor expect than that? Unless, of 
 course, he aspired to be a monk or a hermit, in which 
 case he reasonably could l?e sure of himself if not of 
 others. 
 
 Last winter in London my mother went to a good bit 
 of trouble to set my cap for a lady who seemed in every 
 way qualified to look after an only son as he should be 
 looked after from a mother s point of view, and I de 
 clare to you I had a wretchedly close call of it. My 
 poor mother, thinking it was quite settled, sailed for
 
 America, leaving me entirely unprotected, whereupon 
 I succeeded in making my escape. Heaven knows I 
 had no desperate longing to visit Palestine at that 
 particular time, but I journeyed thither without a 
 qualm of regret, and thereby avoided the surrender 
 without love or honour. 
 
 For the past year I have done little or no work. 
 My books are few and far between, so few in fact that 
 more than once I have felt the sting of dilettantism 
 inflicting my labours with more or less increasing 
 sharpness. It is not for me to say that I despise a 
 fortune, but I am constrained to remark that I believe 
 poverty would have been a fairer friend to me. At 
 any rate I now pamper myself to an unreasonable ex 
 tent. For one thing, I feel that I cannot work, much 
 less think, when opposed by distracting conditions 
 such as women, tea, disputes over luggage, and things 
 of that sort. They subdue all the romantic tendencies 
 I am so parsimonious about wasting. My best work 
 is done when the madding crowd is far from me. 
 Hence I seek out remote, obscure places when I feel 
 the plot boiling, and grind away for dear life with 
 nothing to distract me save an unconquerable habit 
 acquired very early in life which urges me to eat three 
 meals a day and to sleep nine hours out of twenty- 
 four. 
 
 A month ago, in Vienna, I felt the plot breaking 
 out on me, very much as the measles do, at a most 
 inopportune time for everybody concerned, and my 
 secretary, more wide-awake than you d imagine by 
 looking at him, urged me to coddle the muse while 
 she was willing and not to put her off till an evil day, 
 as frequently I am in the habit of doing. 
 
 It was especially annoying, coming as it did, just
 
 10 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 as I was about to set off for a fortnight s motor-boat 
 trip up the Danube with Elsie Hazzard and her stupid 
 husband, the doctor. I compromised with myself by 
 deciding to give them a week of my dreamy company, 
 and then dash off to England where I could work off 
 the story in a sequestered village I had had in mind 
 for some time past. 
 
 The fourth day of our delectable excursion brought 
 us to an ancient town whose name you would recall 
 in an instant if I were fool enough to mention it, and 
 where we were to put up for the night. On the crest 
 of a stupendous crag overhanging the river, almost 
 opposite the town, which isn t far from Krems, stood 
 the venerable but unvenerated castle of that high 
 handed old robber baron, the first of the Rothhoefens. 
 He has been in his sarcophagus these six centuries, I 
 am advised, \ but you wouldn t think so to look at the 
 stronghold. At a glance you can almost convince 
 yourself that he is still there, with battle-axe and 
 broad-sword, and an inflamed eye at every window in 
 the grim faade. 
 
 We picked up a little of its history while in the 
 town, and the next morning crossed over to visit the 
 place. Its antiquity was considerably enhanced by 
 the presence of a caretaker who would never see eighty 
 again, and whose wife was even older. Their two sons 
 lived with them in the capacity of loafers and, as 
 things go in these rapid times of ours, appeared to be 
 even older and more sere than their parents. 
 
 It is a winding and tortuous road that leads up to 
 the portals of this huge old pile, and I couldn t help 
 thinking how stupid I have always been in execrating 
 the spirit of progress that conceives the funicular 
 and rack-and-pinion railroads which serve to com-
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 11 
 
 mercialise grandeur instead of protecting it. Half 
 way up the hill, we paused to rest, and I quite clearly 
 remember growling that if the confounded thing be 
 longed to me I d build a funicular or install an elevator 
 without delay. Poor Elsie was too fatigued to say 
 what she ought to have said to me for suggesting and 
 even insisting on the visit. 
 
 The next day, instead of continuing our delightful 
 trip down the river, we three were scurrying to Saals- 
 burg, urged by a sudden and stupendous whim on my 
 part, and filled with a new interest in life. 
 
 I had made up my mind to buy the castle! 
 
 The Hazzards sat up with me nearly the whole of 
 the night, trying to talk me out of the mad design, but 
 all to no purpose. I was determined to be the sort 
 of fool that Uncle Rilas referred to when he so fre 
 quently quoted the old adage. My only argument in 
 reply to their entreaties was that I had to have a 
 quiet, inspirational place in which to work and besides 
 I was quite sure we could beat the impoverished owner 
 down considerably in the price, whatever it might turn 
 out to be. While the ancient caretaker admitted that 
 it was for sale, he couldn t give me the faintest notion 
 what it was expected to bring, except that it ought 
 to bring more from an American than from any one 
 else, and that he would be proud and happy to remain 
 in my service, he and his wife and his prodigiously 
 capable sons, either of whom if put to the test could 
 break all the bones in a bullock without half trying- 
 Moreover, for such strong men, they ate very little 
 and seldom slept, they were so eager to slave in the 
 interests of the master. We all agreed that they 
 looked strong enough, but as they were sleeping with 
 some intensity all the time we were there, and making
 
 12 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 dreadful noises in the courtyard, we could only infer 
 that they were making up for at least a week of in 
 somnia. 
 
 I had no difficulty whatever in striking a bargain 
 with the abandoned wretch who owned the Schloss. 
 He seemed very eager to submit to my demand that 
 he knock off a thousand pounds sterling, and we hunted 
 up a notary and all the other officials necessary to the 
 transfer of property. At the end of three days, I 
 was the sole owner and proprietor of a feudal strong 
 hold on the Danube, and the joyous Austrian was a 
 little farther on his way to the dogs, a journey he had 
 been negotiating with great ardour ever since coming 
 into possession of an estate once valued at several mil 
 lions. I am quite sure I have never seen a spendthrift 
 with more energy than this fellow seems to have dis 
 played in going through with his patrimony. He was 
 on his uppers, so to speak, when I came to his rescue, 
 solely because he couldn t find a purchaser or a tenant 
 for the castle, try as he would. Afterwards I heard 
 that he had offered the place to a syndicate of Jews 
 for one-third the price I paid, but luckily for me the 
 Hebraic instinct was not so keen as mine. They let 
 a very good bargain get away from them. I have not 
 told my most intimate friends what I paid for the 
 castle, but they are all generous enough to admit that 
 I could afford it, no matter what it cost me. Their 
 generosity stops there, however. I have never had so 
 many unkind things said to me in all my life as have 
 been said about this purely personal matter. 
 
 Well, to make the story short, the Hazzards and 
 I returned to Schloss Rothhoefen in some haste, pri 
 marily for the purpose of inspecting it from dungeon 
 to battlement. I forgot to mention that, being very
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 13 
 
 tired after the climb up the steep, we got no further 
 on our first visit than the great baronial hall, the 
 dining-room and certain other impressive apartments 
 customarily kept open for the inspection of visitors. 
 An interesting concession on the part of the late owner 
 (the gentleman hurrying to catch up with the dogs 
 that had got a bit of a start on him), may here be 
 mentioned. He included all of the contents of the 
 castle for the price paid, and the deed, or whatever 
 you call it, specifically set forth that I, John Bellamy 
 Smart, was the sole and undisputed owner of every 
 thing the castle held. This made the bargain all the 
 more desirable, for I have never seen a more beautiful 
 assortment of antique furniture and tapestry in Fourth 
 Avenue than was to be found in Schloss Rothhoefen. 
 
 Our second and more critical survey of the lower 
 floors of the castle revealed rather urgent necessity 
 for extensive repairs and refurbishing, but I was not 
 dismayed. With a blithesome disregard for expenses, 
 I despatched Rudolph, the elder of the two sons to 
 Linz with instructions to procure artisans who could 
 be depended upon to undo the ravages of time to a 
 certain extent and who might even suggest a remedy 
 for leaks. 
 
 My friends, abhorring rheumatism and like com 
 plaints, refused to sleep over night in the drafty, 
 almost paneless structure. They came over to see me 
 on the ensuing day and begged me to return to Vienna 
 with them. But, full of the project in hand, I would 
 not be moved. With the house full of carpenters, 
 blacksmiths, masons, locksmiths, tinsmiths, plumbers, 
 plasterers, glaziers, joiners, scrub-women and chimney 
 sweeps, I felt that I couldn t go away and leave it 
 without a controlling influence.
 
 14 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 They promised to come and make me a nice short 
 visit, however, after I d got the castle primped up a 
 bit: the mould off the walls of the bedrooms and the 
 great fireplaces thoroughly cleared of obstructive 
 swallows nests, the beds aired and the larder stocked. 
 Just as they were leaving, my secretary and my valet 
 put in an appearance, having been summoned from 
 Vienna the day before. I confess I was glad to see 
 them. The thought of spending a second night in 
 that limitless bed-chamber, with all manner of night- 
 birds trying to get in at the windows, was rather 
 disturbing, and I welcomed my retainers with open 
 arms. 
 
 My first night had been spent in a huge old bed, 
 carefully prepared for occupancy by Herr Schmick s 
 f rau ; and the hours, which never were so dark, in try 
 ing to fathom the infinite space that reached above me 
 to the vaulted ceiling. I knew there was a ceiling, for 
 I had seen its beams during the daylight hours, but to 
 save my soul I couldn t imagine anything so far away 
 as it seemed to be after the candles had been taken 
 away by the caretaker s wife, who had tucked me away 
 in the bed with ample propriety and thoroughness 
 combined. 
 
 Twice during that interminable night I thought I 
 heard a baby crying. So it is not unreasonable to 
 suppose that I was more than glad to see Poopendyke 
 clambering up the path with his typewriter in one hand 
 and his green baise bag in the other, followed close 
 behind by Britton and the Gargantuan brothers bear 
 ing trunks, bags, boxes and my golf clubs. 
 
 " Whew ! " said Poopendyke, dropping wearily upon 
 my doorstep which, by the way, happens to be a 
 rough hewn slab some ten feet square surmounted by
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 15 
 
 a portcullis that has every intention of falling down 
 unexpectedly one of these days and creating an earth 
 quake. " Whew ! " he repeated. 
 
 My secretary is a youngish man with thin, stooping 
 shoulders and a habit of perpetually rubbing his knees 
 together when he walks. I shudder to think of what 
 would happen to them if he undertook to run. I could 
 not resist a glance at them now. 
 
 " It is something of a climb, isn t it? " said I beam 
 ingly. 
 
 " In the name of heaven, Mr. Smart, what could 
 have induced you to " He got no farther than this, 
 and to my certain knowledge this unfinished reproof 
 was the nearest he ever came to openly convicting me 
 of asininity. 
 
 " Make yourself at home, old fellow," said I in some 
 haste. I felt sorry for him. " We are going to be 
 very cosy here." 
 
 " Cosy ? " murmured he, blinking as he looked up, 
 not at me but at the frowning walls that seemed to 
 penetrate the sky. 
 
 " I haven t explored those upper regions," I ex 
 plained nervously, divining his thoughts. " We shall 
 do it together, in a day or two." 
 
 " It looks as though it might fall down if we jostled 
 it carelessly," he remarked, having recovered his 
 breath. 
 
 " I am expecting masons at any minute," said I, 
 contemplating the unstable stone crest of the north 
 east turret with some uneasiness. My face bright 
 ened suddenly. " That particular section of the castle 
 is uninhabitable, I am told. It really doesn t matter 
 if it collapses. Ah, Britton! Here you are, I see. 
 Good morning."
 
 16 
 
 Britton, a very exacting servant, looked me over 
 critically. 
 
 " Your coat and trousers need pressing, sir," said 
 he. " And where am I to get the hot water for shav 
 ing, sir? " 
 
 " Frau Schmick will supply anything you need, Brit- 
 ton," said I, happy on being able to give the informa 
 tion. 
 
 " It is not I as needs it, sir," said he, feeling of his 
 smoothly shaven chin. 
 
 " Come in and have -a look about the place," said I, 
 with a magnificent sweep of my arm to counteract 
 the feeling of utter insignificance I was experiencing 
 at the moment. I could see that my faithful retinue 
 held me in secret but polite disdain. 
 
 A day or two later the castle was swarming with 
 workmen ; the banging of hammers, the rasp of saws, 
 the spattering of mfcrtar, the crashing of stone and 
 the fumes of charcoal crucibles extended to the re 
 motest recesses; the tower of Babel was being recon 
 structed in the language of six or eight nations, and 
 everybody was happy. I had no idea there were so 
 many tinsmiths in the world. Every artisan in the 
 town across the river seems to have felt it his duty to 
 come over and help the men from Linz in the enter 
 prise. There were so many of them that they were 
 constantly getting in each other s way and quarrelling 
 over matters of jurisdiction with even more spirit than 
 we might expect to encounter among the labour unions 
 at home. 
 
 Poopendyke, in great distress of mind, notified me 
 on the fourth day of rehabilitation that the cost of 
 labour as well as living had gone up appreciably since 
 our installation. In fact it had doubled. He paid
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 17 
 
 all of my bills, so I suppose he knew what he was talk 
 ing about. 
 
 " You will be surprised to know, Mr. Smart," he 
 said, consulting his sheets, " that scrub-women are get 
 ting more here than they do in New York City, and 
 I am convinced that there are more scrub-women. To 
 day we had thirty new ones scrubbing the loggia on 
 the gun-room floor, and they all seem to have ap 
 prentices working under them. The carpenters and 
 plasterers were not so numerous to-day. I paid them 
 off last night, you see. It may interest you to hear 
 that their wages for three days amounted to nearly 
 seven hundred dollars in our money, to say nothing of 
 materials and breakage." 
 
 " Breakage? " I exclaimed in surprise. 
 
 " Yes, sir, breakage. They break nearly as much 
 as they mend. We ll we ll go bankrupt, sir, if we re 
 not careful." 
 
 I liked his pronoun. " Never mind," I said, " we ll 
 soon be rid of them." 
 
 " They ve got it in their heads, sir, that it will take 
 at least a year to finish the " 
 
 "You tell the foremen that if this job isn t finished 
 to our satisfaction by the end of the month, I ll fire 
 all of them," said I, wrathfully. 
 
 " That s less than three weeks off, Mr. Smart. 
 They don t seem to be making much headway." 
 
 " Well, you tell em, just the same." And that is 
 how I dismissed it. " Tell em we ve got to go to work 
 ourselves." 
 
 " By the way, old man Schmick and his family 
 haven t been paid for nearly two years. They have 
 put in a claim. The late owner assured them they d 
 get their money from the next "
 
 18 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Discharge them at once," said I. 
 
 " We can t get on without them," protested he. 
 " They know the ropes, so to speak, and, what s more 
 to the point, they know all the keys. Yesterday I 
 was nearly two hours in getting to the kitchen for a 
 conference with Mrs. Schmick about the market-men. 
 In the first place, I couldn t find the way, and in the 
 second place all the doors are locked." 
 
 " Please send Herr Schmick to me in the in 
 the " I couldn t recall the name of the administra 
 tion chamber at the head of the grand staircase, so 
 I was compelled to say : " I ll see him here." 
 
 " If we lose them we also are lost," was his sen 
 tentious declaration. I believed him. 
 
 On the fifth day of our occupancy, Britton reported 
 to me that he had devised a plan by which we could 
 utilise the tremendous horse-power represented by the 
 muscles of those lazy giants, Rudolph and Max. He 
 suggested that we rig up a huge windlass at the top 
 of the incline, with stout steel cables attached to a 
 small car which could be hauled up the cliff by a hith 
 erto wasted human energy, and as readily lowered. 
 It sounded feasible and I instructed him to have the 
 extraordinary railway built, but to be sure that the 
 safety device clutches in the cog wheels were sound and 
 trusty. It would prove to be an infinitely more grace 
 ful mode of ascending the peak than riding up on the 
 donkeys I had been persuaded to buy, especially for 
 Poopendyke and me, whose legs were so long that when 
 we sat in the saddles our knees either touched our 
 chins or were spread out so far that we resembled the 
 Prussian coat-of-arms. 
 
 That evening, after the workmen had filed down the 
 steep looking for all the world like an evacuating army,
 
 I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white figure of 
 a woman who stood in the topmost balcony
 
 I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF 19 
 
 I sought a few moments of peace and quiet in the 
 small balcony outside my bedroom windows. My room 
 was in the western wing of the castle, facing the river. 
 The eastern wing mounted even higher than the one 
 in which we were living, and was topped by the loftiest 
 watch tower of them all. We had not attempted to 
 do any work over in that section as yet, for the simple 
 reason that Herr Schmick couldn t find the keys to 
 the doors. 
 
 The sun was disappearing beyond the highlands and 
 a cool, soft breeze swept up through the valley. I 
 leaned back in a comfortable chair that Britton hacf 
 selected for me, and puffed at my pipe, not quite sure 
 that my serenity was real or assumed. This was all 
 costing me a pretty penny. Was I, after all, parting 
 with my money in the way prescribed for fools? Was 
 all this splendid antiquity worth the 
 
 My reflections terminated sharply at that critical 
 instant and I don t believe I ever felt called upon after 
 that to complete the inquiry. 
 
 I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white 
 figure of a woman who stood in the topmost balcony of 
 the eastern wing, fully revealed by the last glow of 
 the sun and apparently as deep in dreams as I had 
 been the instant before.
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 
 
 FOR ten minutes I stood there staring up at her, com 
 pletely bewildered and not a little shaken. My first 
 thought had been of ghosts, but it was almost in 
 stantly dispelled by a significant action on the part of 
 the suspected wraith. She turned to whistle over her 
 shoulder, and to snap her fingers peremptorily, and 
 then she stooped and picked up a rather lusty chow 
 dog which promptly barked at me across the inter 
 vening space, having discovered me almost at once 
 although I was many rods away and quite snugly en 
 sconced among the shadows. The lady in white 
 muzzled him with her hand and I could almost im 
 agine I heard her reproving whispers. After a few 
 minutes, she apparently forgot the dog and lifted 
 her hand to adjust something in her hair. He again 
 barked at me, quite ferociously for a chow. This 
 time it was quite plain to her that he was not bark 
 ing at the now shadowy moon. She peered over the 
 stone balustrade and an instant later disappeared from 
 view through the high, narrow window. 
 
 Vastly exercised, I set out in quest of Herr Schmick, 
 martialing Poopendyke as I went along, realising that 
 I would have to depend on his German, which was less 
 halting than mine arid therefore, more likely to dove 
 tail with that of the Schmicks, neither of whom spoke 
 German because they loved it but because they had to, 
 being Austrian^. We found the four Schmicks in 
 
 the vast kitchen, watching Britton while he pressed my 
 
 20
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 21 
 
 trousers on an oak table so large that the castle must 
 have been built around it. 
 
 Herr Schmick was weighted down with the keys of 
 the castle, which never left his possession day or 
 night. 
 
 " Herr Schmick," said I, " will you be so good as 
 to inform me who the dickens that woman is over in 
 the east wing of the castle? " 
 
 " Woman, mein herr? " He almost dropped his 
 keys. His big sons said something to each other that 
 I couldn t quite catch, but it sounded very much like 
 der duyvil." 
 
 " A woman in a white dress, with a dog." 
 
 " A dog? " he cried. " But, mein herr, dogs are not 
 permitted to be in the castle." 
 
 "Who is she? How did she get there?" 
 
 " Heaven defend us, sir ! It must have been the 
 ghost of " 
 
 " Ghost, your granny ! " I cried, relapsing into Eng 
 lish. " Please don t beat about the bush, Mr. Schmick. 
 She s over there in the unused wing, which I haven t 
 been allowed to penetrate in spite of the fact that it 
 belongs to me. You say you can t find the keys to 
 that side of the castle. Will you explain how it is 
 that it is open to strange women and and dogs ? " 
 
 " You must be mistaken, mein herr," he whined ab 
 jectly. "She cannot be there. She Ah, I have 
 it! It may have been my wife. Gretel! Have you 
 been in the east " 
 
 " Nonsense ! " I cried sharply. " This won t do, 
 Mr. Schmick. Give ine that bunch of keys. We ll 
 investigate. I can t have strange women gallivanting 
 about the place as if they owned it. This is no tryst- 
 ing place for Juliets, Herr Schmick. We ll get to
 
 22 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 the bottom of this at once. Here, you Rudolph, fetch 
 a couple of lanterns. Max, get a sledge or two from 
 the forge. There is a forge. I saw it yesterday out 
 there back of the stables. So don t try to tell me 
 there isn t one. If we can t unlock the doors, we ll 
 smash em in. They re mine, and I ll knock em to 
 smithereens if I feel like it." 
 
 The four Schmicks wrung their hands and shook 
 their heads and, then, repairing to the scullery, growled 
 and grumbled for fully ten minutes before deciding 
 to obey my commands. In the meantime, I related 
 my experience to Poopendyke and Britton. 
 
 " That reminds me, sir," said Britton, " that I found 
 a rag-doll in the courtyard yesterday, on that side 
 of the building, sir I should say castle, sir." 
 
 " I am quite sure I heard a baby crying the second 
 night we were here, Mr. Smart," said my secretary 
 nervously. 
 
 " And there was smoke coming from one of the back 
 chimney pots this morning," added Britton. 
 
 I was thoughtful for a moment. * What became of 
 the rag-doll, Britton?" I enquired shrewdly. 
 
 " I turned it over to old Schmick, sir," said he. He 
 grinned. " I thought as maybe it belonged to one of 
 his boys." 
 
 On the aged caretaker s reappearance, I bluntly in 
 quired what had become of the doll-baby. He was 
 terribly confused. 
 
 " I know nothing, I know nothing," he mumbleid, 
 and I could see that he was miserably upset. His sons 
 towered and glowered and his wife wrapped and un 
 wrapped her hands in her apron, all the time suppli 
 cating heaven to be good to the true and the faithful. 
 
 From what I could gather, they all seemed to be
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 23 
 
 more disturbed over the fact that my hallucination in 
 cluded a dog than by the claim that I had seen a 
 woman. 
 
 " But, confound you, Schmick," I cried in some heat, 
 " it barked at me." 
 
 " Gott in himmel ! " they all cried, and, to my sur 
 prise, the old woman burst into tears. 
 
 " It is bad to dream of a dog," she wailed. " It 
 means evil to all of us. Evil to " 
 
 " Come ! " said I, grabbing the keys from the old 
 man s unresisting hand. " And, Schmick, if that dog 
 bites me, I ll hold you personally responsible. Do you 
 understand? " 
 
 Two abreast we filed through the long, vaulted halls, 
 Rudolph carrying a gigantic lantern and Max a sledge. 
 We traversed extensive corridors, mounted tortuous 
 stairs and came at length to the sturdy oak door that 
 separated the east wing from the west: a huge, for 
 midable thing strengthened by many cross-pieces and 
 studded with rusty bolt-heads. Padlocks as large as 
 horse-shoes, corroded by rust and rendered absolutely 
 impracticable by age, confronted us. 
 
 " I have not the keys," said old Conrad Schmick 
 sourly. " This door has not been opened in my time. 
 It is no use." 
 
 " It is no use," repeated his grizzly sons, leaning 
 against the mouldy walls with weary tolerance. 
 
 " Then how did the woman and her dog get into 
 that part of the castle? " I demanded. " Tell me 
 that!" 
 
 They shook their heads, almost compassionately, as 
 much as to say. " It is always best to humour a mad 
 man." 
 
 " And the baby," added Poopendyke, turning up his
 
 24 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 coat collar to protect his thin neck from the draft 
 that smote us from the halls. 
 
 " Smash those padlocks, Max," I commanded reso 
 lutely. 
 
 Max looked stupidly at his father and the old man 
 looked at his wife, and then all four of them looked at 
 me, almost imploringly. 
 
 " Why destroy a perfectly good padlock, mein 
 herr? " began Max, twirling the sledge in his hand as 
 if it were a bamboo cane. 
 
 " Hi ! Look out there ! " gasped Britton, in some 
 alarm. "Don t let that thing slip!" 
 
 "Doesn t this castle belong to me?" I demanded, 
 considerably impressed by the ease with which he swung 
 the sledge. A very dangerous person, I began to per 
 ceive. 
 
 " It does, mein herr," shouted all of them gladly, 
 and touched their forelocks. 
 
 " Everything is yours," added old Conrad, with a 
 comprehensive sweep of his hand that might have put 
 the whole universe in my name. 
 
 " Smash that padlock, Max," I said after a second s 
 hesitation. 
 
 " I ll bet he can t do it," said Britton, ingeniously. 
 
 Very reluctantly Max bared his great arms, spit 
 upon his hands, and, with a pitiful look at his par 
 ents, prepared to deal the first blow upon the ancient 
 padlock. The old couple turned their heads away, 
 and put their fingers to their ears, cringing like things 
 about to be whipped. 
 
 " Now, one two three ! " cried I, affecting an 
 enthusiasm I didn t feel. 
 
 The sledge fell upon the padlock and rebounded with 
 almost equal force. The sound of the crash must have
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 25 
 
 disturbed every bird and bat in the towers of the grim 
 old pile. But the padlock merely shed a few scabs of 
 rust and rattled back into its customary repose. 
 
 " See ! " cried Max, triumphantly. " It cannot be 
 broken." Rudolph, his broad face beaming, held the 
 lantern close to the padlock and showed me that it 
 hadn t been dented by the blow. 
 
 " It is a very fine lock," cried old Conrad, with a 
 note of pride in his voice. 
 
 I began to feel some pride in the thing myself. 
 " It is, indeed," I said. " Try once more, Max." 
 
 It seemed to me that he struck with a great deal 
 more confidence than before, and again they all uttered 
 ejaculations of pleasure. I caught Dame Schmick in 
 the act of thanking God with her fingers. 
 
 " See here," I exclaimed, facing them angrily, 
 " what does all this mean ? You are deceiving me, all 
 of you. Now, let s have the truth every word of 
 it or out you go to-morrow, the whole lot of you. 
 I insist on knowing who that woman is, why she is here 
 in my hou my castle, and everything, do you 
 understand? " 
 
 Apparently they didn t understand, for they looked 
 at me with all the stupidity they could command. 
 
 " You try, Mr. Poopendyke," I said, giving it up 
 in despair. He sought to improve on my German, but 
 I think he made it worse. They positively refused to 
 be intelligent. 
 
 " Give me the hammer," I said at last in desperation. 
 Max surrendered the clumsy, old-fashioned instrument 
 with a grin and I motioned for them all to stand back. 
 Three successive blows with all the might I had in my 
 body failed to shatter the lock, whereupon my choler 
 rose to heights hitherto unknown, I being a very mild-
 
 26 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 mannered, placid person and averse to anything 
 savouring of the tempestuous. I delivered a savage 
 and resounding thwack upon the broad oak panel of 
 the door, regardless of the destructiveness that might 
 attend the effort. If any one had told me that I 
 couldn t splinter an oak board with a sledge-hammer 
 at a single blow I should have laughed in his face. 
 But as it turned out in this case I not only failed to 
 split the panel but broke off the sledge handle near 
 the head, putting it wholly out of commission for the 
 time being as well as stinging my hands so severely 
 that I doubled up with pain and shouted words that 
 Dame Schmick could not put into her prayers. 
 
 The Schmicks fairly glowed with joy! Afterwards 
 Max informed me that the door was nearly six inches 
 thick and often had withstood the assaults of huge 
 battering rams, back in the dim past when occasion 
 induced the primal baron to seek safety in the east 
 wing, which, after all, appears to have been the real, 
 simon pure fortress. The west wing was merely a 
 setting for festal amenities and was by no means feudal 
 in its aspect or appeal. Here, as I came to know, the 
 old barons received their friends and feasted them and 
 made merry with the flagon and the horn of plenty; 
 here the humble tithe payer came to settle his dues 
 with gold and silver instead of with blood; here the 
 little barons and baronesses romped and rioted with 
 childish glee; and here the barons grew fat and gross 
 and soggy with laziness and prosperity, and here they 
 died in stupid quiescence. On the other side of that 
 grim, staunch old door they simply went to the other 
 extreme in every particular. There they killed their 
 captives, butchered their enemies, and sometimes died 
 with the daggers of traitors in their shivering backs.
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 27 
 
 As we trudged back to the lower halls, defeated 
 but none the less impressed by our failure to devastate 
 our stronghold, I was struck by the awful barren 
 ness of the surroundings. There suddenly came over 
 me the shocking realisation : the " contents " of the 
 castle, as set forth rather vaguely in the bill of sale, 
 were not what I had been led to consider them. It 
 had not occurred to me at the time of the transaction 
 to insist upon an inventory, and I had been too busy 
 since the beginning of my tenancy to take more than a 
 passing account of my belongings. In excusing my 
 self for this rather careless oversight, I can only say 
 that during daylight hours the castle was so com 
 pletely stuffed with workmen and their queer utensils 
 that I couldn t do much in the way of elimination, and 
 by night it was so horribly black and lonesome about 
 the place and the halls were so littered with tools and 
 mops and timber that it was extremely hazardous to 
 go prowling about, so I preferred to remain in my own 
 quarters, which were quite comfortable and cosy in 
 spite of the distance between points of convenience. 
 
 Still I was vaguely certain that many articles I 
 had seen about the halls on my first and second visits 
 were no longer in evidence. To or three antique rugs, 
 for instance, were missing from the main hall, and there 
 was a lamentable suggestion of emptiness at the lower 
 end where we had stacked a quantity of rare old furni 
 ture in order to make room for the workmen. 
 
 " Herr Schmick," said I, abruptly halting my party 
 in the centre of the hall, " what has become of the 
 rugs that were here last week, and where is that pile 
 of furniture we had back yonder? " 
 
 Rudolph allowed the lantern to swing behind his 
 huge legs, intentionally I believe, and I was compelled
 
 28 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 to relieve him of it in order that we might extract our 
 selves from his shadow. I have never seen such a 
 colossal shadow as the one he cast. 
 
 Old Conrad was not slow in answering. 
 
 " The gentlemen called day before yesterday, mem 
 herr, and took much away. They will return to-mor 
 row for the remainder." 
 
 " Gentlemen? " I gasped. " Remainder? " 
 
 " The gentlemen to whom the Herr Count sold the 
 rugs and chairs and chests and " 
 
 " What ! " I roared. Even Poopendyke jumped at 
 this sudden exhibition of wrath. " Do you mean to 
 tell me that these things have been sold and carried 
 away without my knowledge or consent? I ll have the 
 law" 
 
 Herr Poopendyke intervened. " They had bills of 
 sale and orders for removal of property dated several 
 weeks prior to your purchase, Mr. Smart. We had 
 to let the articles go. You surely remember my 
 speaking to you about it." 
 
 " I don t remember anything," I snapped, which was 
 the truth. " Why why, I bought everything that 
 the castle contained. This is robbery! What the 
 dickens do you mean by " 
 
 Old Conrad held up his hands as if expecting to 
 pacify me. I sputtered out the rest of the sentence, 
 which really amounted to nothing. 
 
 " The Count has been selling off the lovely old pieces 
 for the past six months, sir. Ach, what a sin ! They 
 have come here day after day, these furniture buyers, 
 to take away the most priceless of our treasures, to 
 sell them to the poor rich at twenty prices. I could 
 weep over the sacrifices. I have wept, haven t I, 
 Gretel? Eh, Rudolph? Buckets of tears have I shed,
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 29 
 
 mein herr. Oceans of them. Time after time have I 
 implored him to deny these rascally curio hunters, 
 these blood-sucking " 
 
 " But listen to me," I broke in. " Do you mean to 
 say that articles have been taken away from the castle 
 since I came into possession? " 
 
 . " Many of them, sir. Always with proper creden 
 tials, believe me. Ach, what a spendthrift he is ! And 
 his poor wife! Ach, Gott, how she must suffer. 
 Nearly all of the grand paintings, the tapestries that 
 came from France and Italy hundreds of years ago, 
 the wonderful old bedsteads and tables that were here 
 when the castle was new all gone ! And for mere 
 songs, mein herr, the cheapest of songs ! I I " 
 
 " Please don t weep now, Herr Schmick," I made 
 haste to exclaim, seeing lachrymose symptoms in his 
 blear old eyes. Then I became firm once more. This 
 knavery must cease, or I d know the reason why. 
 " The next man who comes here to cart away so much 
 as a single piece is to be kicked out. Do you under 
 stand? These things belong to me. Kick him into 
 the river. Or, better still, notify me and Til do it. 
 Why, if this goes on we ll soon be deprived of anything 
 to sit on or sleep in or eat from ! Lock the doors, 
 Conrad, and don t admit any one without first con 
 sulting me. By Jove, I d like to wring that rascal s 
 neck. A Count ! Umph ! " 
 
 " Ach, he is of the noblest family in all the land," 
 sighed old Gretel. " His grandfather was a fine man." 
 I contrived to subdue my rage and disappointment 
 and somewhat loudly returned to the topic from which 
 we were drifting. 
 
 " As for those beastly padlocks, I shall have them 
 filed off to-morrow. I give you warning, Conrad, if
 
 30 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 the keys are not forthcoming before noon to-morrow, 
 I ll file em off, so help me." 
 
 " They are yours to destroy, mein herr, God knows," 
 said he dismally. " It is a pity to destroy fine old 
 padlocks " 
 
 " Well, you wait and see," said I, grimly. 
 
 His face beamed once more. " Ach, I forgot to say 
 that there are padlocks on the other side of the door, 
 just as on this side. It will be of no use to destroy 
 these. The door still could not be forced. Mein 
 Gott! How thankful I am to have remembered it in 
 time." 
 
 " Confound you, Schmiclc, I believe you actually 
 want to keep me out of that part of the castle," I ex 
 ploded. 
 
 The four of them protested manfully, even Gretel. 
 
 " I have a plan, sir," said Britton. " Why not 
 place a tall ladder in the courtyard and crawl in 
 through one of the windows ? " 
 
 "Splendid! That s what we ll do!" I cried en 
 thusiastically. " And now let s go to bed ! We will 
 breakfast at eight, Mrs. Schmick. The early bird 
 catches the worm, you know." 
 
 " Will you see the American ladies and gentlemen 
 who are coming to-morrow to pick out the " 
 
 ** Yes, I ll see them," said I, compressing my lips. 
 " Don t let me over-sleep, Britton." 
 
 " I shan t, sir," said he. 
 
 Sleep evaded me for hours. What with the pos 
 sible proximity of an undesirable feminine neighbour, 
 mysterious and elusive though she may prove to be, 
 and the additional dread of dogs and babies, to say 
 nothing of the amazing delinquencies to be laid to the 
 late owner of the place, and the prospect of a visit
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 31 
 
 from coarse and unfeeling bargain-hunters on the mor 
 row, it is really not surprising that I tossed about in 
 my baronial bed, counting sheep backwards and for 
 wards over hedges and fences until the vociferous cocks 
 in the stable yard began to send up their clarion howdy- 
 dos to the sun. Strangely enough, with the first peep 
 of day through the decrepit window shutters I fell 
 into a sound sleep. Britton got nothing but grunts 
 from me until half-past nine. At that hour he came 
 into my room and delivered news that aroused me more 
 effectually than all the alarm clocks or alarm cocks in 
 the world could have done. 
 
 " Get up, sir, if you please," he repeated the tKird 
 time. " The party of Americans is below, sir, rum 
 maging about the place. They have ordered the 
 workmen to stop work, sir, complaining of the beastly 
 noise they make, and the dust and all that, sir. They 
 have already selected half a dozen pieces and they have 
 brought enough porters and carriers over in the boats 
 to take the stuff away in " 
 
 " Where is Poopendyke ? " I cried, leaping out of 
 bed. " I don t want to be shaved, Britton, and don t 
 bother about the tub." He had filled my twentieth 
 century portable tub, recently acquired, and was 
 nervously creating a lather in my shaving mug. 
 
 " You look very rough, sir." 
 
 " So much the better." 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke is in despair, sir. He has tried 
 to explain that nothing is for sale, but the gentlemen 
 say they are onto his game. They go right on yank 
 ing things about and putting their own prices on them 
 and reserving them. They are perfectly delighted, 
 sir, to have found so many old things they really want 
 for their new houses."
 
 32 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 "I ll I ll put a stop to all this," I grated, see 
 ing red for an instant. 
 
 " And the ladies, sir ! There are three of them, all 
 from New York City, and they keep on saying they 
 are completely ravished, sir, with joy, I take it. 
 Your great sideboard in the dining-room is to go to 
 Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer, and the hall-seat that the first 
 Baron used to throw his armour on when he came in 
 from" 
 
 " Great snakes ! " I roared. " They haven t moved 
 it, have they? It will fall to pieces!" 
 
 " No, sir. They are piling sconces and candelabra 
 and andirons on it, regardless of what Mr. Poopen- 
 dyke says. You d better hurry, sir. Here is your 
 collar and necktie " 
 
 " I don t want em. Where the dickens are my 
 trousers ? " 
 
 His face fell. " Being pressed, sir, God forgive 
 me!" 
 
 " Get out another pair, confound you, Britton. 
 What are we coming to ? " 
 
 He began rummaging in the huge clothespress, all 
 the while regaling me with news from the regions be 
 low. 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke has gone up to his room, sir, with 
 his typewriter. The young lady insisted on having it. 
 She squealed with joy at seeing an antique typewriter 
 and he he had to run away with it, pon my soul he 
 did, sir." 
 
 I couldn t help laughing. 
 
 " And your golf clubs, Mr. Smart. The young gen 
 tleman of the party is perfectly carried away with 
 them. He says they re the real thing, the genuine 
 sixteenth century article. They are a bit rusted,
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 33 
 
 you ll remember. I left him out in the courtyard try 
 ing your brassie and mid-iron, sir, endeavouring to 
 loft potatoes over the south wall. I succeeded in hid 
 ing the balls, sir. Just as I started upstairs I heard 
 one of the new window panes in the banquet hall smash, 
 sir, so I take it he must have sliced his drive a bit." 
 
 "Who let these people in?" I demanded in smoth 
 ered tones from the depths of a sweater I was getting 
 into in order to gain time by omitting a collar. 
 
 " They came in with the plumbers, sir, at half-past 
 eight. Old man Schmick tried to keep them out, but 
 they said they didn t understand German and walked 
 right by, leaving their donkeys in the roadway out 
 side." 
 
 " Couldn t Rudolph and Max stop them ? " I cried, 
 as my head emerged. 
 
 " They were still in bed, sir. I think they re at 
 breakfast now." 
 
 " Good lord ! " I groaned, looking at my watch. 
 " Nine-thirty ! What sort of a rest cure am I conduct 
 ing here ? " 
 
 We hurried downstairs so fast that I lost one of 
 my bedroom slippers. It went clattering on ahead of 
 us, making a shameful racket on the bare stones, but 
 Britton caught it up in time to save it from the clutches 
 of the curio-vandals. My workmen were lolling about 
 the place, smoking vile pipes and talking in guttural 
 whispers. All operations appeared to have ceased in 
 my establishment at the command of the far from idle 
 rich. Two portly gentlemen in fedoras were stand 
 ing in the middle of the great hall, discussing the merits 
 of a dingy old spinet that had been carried out of the 
 music room by two lusty porters from the hotel. From 
 somewhere in the direction of the room where the por-
 
 34 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 celains and earthenware were stored came the shrill, 
 excited voices of women. The aged Schmicks were 
 sitting side by side on a window ledge, with the rigid 
 reticence of wax figures. 
 
 As I came up, I heard one of the strangers say to 
 the other: 
 
 "Well, if you don t want it, I ll take it. My 
 wife says it can be made into a writing desk with a 
 little " 
 
 " I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said I confront 
 ing them. " Will you be good enough to explain this 
 intrusion? " 
 
 They stared at me as if I were a servant asking for 
 higher wages. The speaker, a fat man with a bristly 
 moustache and a red necktie, drew himself up haughtily. 
 
 " Who the devil are you? " he demanded, fixing me 
 with a glare. 
 
 I knew at once that he was the kind of an American 
 I have come to hate with a zest that knows no mod 
 eration ; the kind that makes one ashamed of the na 
 tional melting pot. I glared back at him. 
 
 " I happen to be the owner of this place, and you ll 
 oblige me by clearing out." 
 
 " What s that ? Here, here, none of that sort of 
 talk, my friend. We re here to look over your stuff, 
 and we mean business, but you won t get anywhere by 
 talking like " 
 
 " There is nothing for sale here," I said shortly. 
 " And you ve got a lot of nerve to come bolting into 
 a private house " 
 
 " Say," said the second man, advancing with a most 
 insulting scowl, " we ll understand each other right off 
 the reel, my friend. All you ve got to do is to answer 
 us when we ask for prices. Now, s bear that in mind,
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 35 
 
 and don t try any of your high-and-mighty tactics on 
 us." 
 
 "Just remember that you re a junk-dealer and we ll 
 get along splendidly," said the other, in a tone meant 
 to crush me. " What do you ask for this thing? " 
 tapping the dusty spinet with his walking-stick. 
 
 It suddenly occurred to me that the situation was 
 humorous. 
 
 " You will have to produce your references, gentle 
 men, before I can discuss anything with you," I said, 
 after swallowing very hard. (It must have been my 
 pride. ) 
 
 They stared. " Good Lord ! " gasped the bristly 
 one, blinking his eyes. " Don t you know who this 
 gentleman is ? You you appear to be an American. 
 You must know Mr. Riley-Werkheimer of New York." 
 
 " I regret to say that I have never heard of Mr. 
 Riley-Werkheimer. I did not know that Mrs. Riley- 
 Werkheimer s husband was living. And may I ask 
 who you are ? " 
 
 " Oh, I am also a nobody," said he, with a wink at 
 his purple- jowled companion. "I am only poor old 
 Rocksworth, the president of the " 
 
 " Oh, don t say anything more, Mr. Rocksworth," 
 I cried. " I have heard of you. This fine old spinet ? 
 Well, it has been reduced in price. Ten thousand 
 dollars, Mr. Rocksworth." 
 
 " Ten thousand nothing ! I ll take it at seventy- 
 five dollars. And now let s talk about this here hall- 
 seat. My wife thinks it s a fake. What is its history, 
 and what sort of guarantee can you " 
 
 " A fake ! " I cried in dismay. " My dear Mr. 
 Rocksworth, that is the very hall-seat that Pontius 
 Pilate sat in when waiting for an audience with the
 
 36 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 first of the great Teutonic barons. The treaty be 
 tween the Romans and the Teutons was signed on that 
 table over there, the one you have so judiciously 
 selected, I perceive. Of course, you know that this 
 was the Saxon seat of government. Charlemagne lived 
 here with all his court." 
 
 They tried not to look impressed, but rather over 
 did it. 
 
 " That s the sort of a story you fellows always put 
 up, you skinflints from Boston. I ll bet my head you 
 are from Boston," said Mr. Rocksworth shrewdly. 
 
 " I couldn t afford to have you lose your head, Mr. 
 Rocksworth, so I shan t take you on," said I merrily. 
 
 " Don t get fresh now," said he stiffly. 
 
 Mr. Riley-Werkheimer walked past me to take a 
 closer look at the seat, almost treading on my toes 
 rather than to give an inch to me. 
 
 " How can you prove that it s the genuine article? " 
 he demanded curtly. 
 
 " You have my word for it, sir," I said quietly. 
 
 " Pish tush ! " said he. 
 
 Mr. Rocksworth turned in the direction of the ban 
 quet hall. 
 
 " Carrie ! " he shouted. " Come here a minute, will 
 you?" 
 
 " Don t shout like that, Orson," came back from 
 the porcelain closet. " You almost made me drop this 
 thing." 
 
 " Well, drop it, and come on. This is important." 
 
 I wiped the moisture from my brow and respectfully 
 put my clenched fists into my pockets. 
 
 A minute later, three females appeared on the scene, 
 all of them dusting their hands and curling their noses 
 in disgust.
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 37 
 
 " I never saw such a dirty place," said the foremost, 
 a large lady who couldn t, by any circumstance of 
 fate, have been anybody s wife but Rocksworth s. 
 It s filthy ! What do you want? " 
 
 " I ve bought this thing here for seventy-five. You 
 said I couldn t get it for a nickle under a thousand. 
 And say, this man tells me the hall seat here belonged 
 to Pontius Pilate in " 
 
 " Pardon me," I interrupted, " I merely said that he 
 sat in it. I am not trying to deceive you, sir." 
 
 " And the treaty was signed on this table," said Mr. 
 Riley-Werkheimer. He addressed himself to a plump 
 young lady with a distorted bust and a twenty-two 
 inch waist. " Maude, what do you know about the 
 Roman-Teutonic treaty? We ll catch you now, my 
 friend," he went on, turning to me. " My daughter 
 is up in ancient history. She s an authority." 
 
 Miss Maude appeared to be racking her brain. I 
 undertook to assist her. 
 
 " I mean the second treaty, after the fall of Nur- 
 emburg," I explained. 
 
 " Oh," she said, instantly relieved. " Was it really 
 signed here, right here in this hall? Oh, Father! We 
 must have that table." 
 
 " You are sure there was a treaty, Maude ? " de 
 manded her parent accusingly. 
 
 " Certainly," she cried. " The Teutons ceded 
 Alsace-Lorraine to " 
 
 " Pardon me once more," I cried, and this time I 
 plead guilty to a blush, " you are thinking of the other 
 treaty the one at Metz, Miss Riley-Werkheimer. 
 This, as you will recall, ante-dates that one by oh, 
 several years." 
 
 " Thank you," she said, quite condescendingly. " I
 
 38 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 was confused for a moment. Of course, Father, I can t 
 say that it was signed here or on this table as the young 
 man says. I only know that there was a treaty. I 
 do wish you d come and see the fire-screen I ve 
 found" 
 
 " Let s get this out of our system first," said her 
 father. " If you can show me statistics and the proper 
 proof that this is the genuine table, young man, 
 I ll " 
 
 " Pray rest easy, sir," I said. " We can take it up 
 later on. The facts are " 
 
 " And this Pontius Pilate seat," interrupted Rocks- 
 worth, biting off the end of a fresh cigar. " What 
 about it? Got a match? " 
 
 " Get the gentleman a match, Britton," I said, there 
 by giving my valet an opportunity to do his exploding 
 in the pantry. " I can only affirm, sir, that it is 
 common history that Pontius Pilate spent a portion of 
 his exile here in the sixth century. It is reasonable to 
 assume that he sat in this seat, being an old man unused 
 to difficult stairways. He " 
 
 " Buy it, Orson," said his wife, with authority. 
 " We ll take a chance on it. If it isn t the right thing, 
 we can sell it to the second-hand dealers. What s the 
 price ? " 
 
 " A thousand dollars to you, madam," said I. 
 
 They were at once suspicious. While they were 
 busily engaged in looking the seat over as the porters 
 shifted it about at all angles, I stepped over and 
 ordered my workmen to resume their operations. I 
 was beginning to get sour and angry again, having 
 missed my coffee. From the culinary regions there 
 ascended a most horrific odour of fried onions. If 
 there is one thing I really resent it is a fried onion.
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 39 
 
 I do not know why I should have felt the way I did 
 about it on this occasion, but I am mean enough now 
 to confess that I hailed the triumphal entry of that 
 pernicious odour with a meanness of spirit that leaves 
 nothing to be explained. 
 
 " Good gracious ! " gasped the aristocratic Mrs. 
 Riley-Werkheimer, holding her nose. " Do you smell 
 that ? " 
 
 "Onions! My Gawd!" sniffed Maude. "How I 
 hate em ! " 
 
 Mr. Rocksworth forgot his dignity. " Hate em? " 
 he cried, his eyes rolling. " I just love em! " 
 
 " Orson ! " said his wife, transfixing him with a glare. 
 " What will people think of you? " 
 
 " I like em too," admitted Mr. Riley-Werkheimer, 
 perceiving at once whom she meant by " people." He 
 puffed out his chest. 
 
 At that instant the carpenters, plumbers and stone 
 masons resumed their infernal racket, while scrub 
 women, polishers and painters began to move intimately 
 among us. 
 
 " Here ! " roared Mr. Rocksworth. " Stop this 
 beastly noise ! What the deuce do you mean, sir, per 
 mitting these scoundrels to raise the dead like this? 
 Confound em, I stopped them once. Here! You! 
 Let up on that, will you? " 
 
 I moved forward apologetically. " I am afraid it 
 is not onions you smell, ladies and gentlemen." I had 
 taken my cue with surprising quickness. " They are 
 raising the dead. The place is fairly alive with dead 
 rats and " 
 
 "Good Lord!" gasped Riley-Werkheimer. "We ll 
 get the bubonic plague here." 
 
 " Oh, I know onions" said Rocksworth calmly.
 
 40 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Can t fool me on onions. They are onions, ain t 
 they, Carrie? " 
 
 " They are! " said she. "What a pity to have this 
 wonderful old castle actually devastated by workmen! 
 It is an outrage a crime. I should think the owner 
 would turn over in his grave." 
 
 " Unhappily, I am the owner, madam," said I, slyly 
 working my foot back into an elusive slipper. 
 
 " You ought to be ashamed of yourself," she said, 
 eyeing me coldly with a hitherto unexposed lorgnon. 
 
 " I am," said I. " You quite took me by surprise. 
 I should have made myself more presentable if I had 
 known " 
 
 " Well, let s move on upstairs," said Rocksworth. 
 Addressing the porters he said : " You fellows get this 
 lot of stuff together and I ll take an option on it. I ll 
 be over to-morrow to close the deal, Mr. Mr. Now, 
 where is the old Florentine mirror the Count was telling 
 us about ? " 
 
 " The Count? " said I, frowning. 
 
 " Yes, the real owner. You can t stuff me with your 
 talk about being the proprietor here, my friend. You 
 see, we happen to know the Count." 
 
 They all condescended to laugh at me. I don t know 
 what I should have said or done if Britton had not 
 returned with a box of matches at that instant sul 
 phur matches which added subtly to the growing 
 illusion. 
 
 Almost simultaneously there appeared in the lowep 
 hall a lanky youth of eighteen. He was a loud-voiced, 
 imperious sort of chap with at least three rolls to his 
 trousers and a plum-coloured cap. 
 
 " Say, these clubs are the real stuff, all right, all 
 right. They re as brittle as glass. See what I did to
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 41 
 
 em. We can have em spliced and rewound and I ll 
 hang em on my wall. All I want is the heads anyhow." 
 
 He held up to view a headless mid-iron and brassie, 
 and triumphantly waved a splendid cleek. My fa 
 vourite clubs ! I could play better from a hanging lie 
 with that beautiful brassie than with any club I ever 
 owned and as for the iron, I was deadly with it. 
 
 He lit a cigarette and threw the match into a pile of 
 shavings. Old Conrad returned to life at that instant 
 and stamped out the incipient blaze. 
 
 " I shouldn t consider them very good clubs, Harold, 
 if they break off like that," said his mother. 
 
 " What do you know about clubs ? " he snapped, and 
 I at once knew what class he was in at the preparatory 
 school. 
 
 If I was ever like one of these, said I to myself, God 
 rest the sage soul of my Uncle Rilas ! 
 
 The situation was no longer humorous. I could put 
 up with anything but the mishandling of my devoted 
 golf clubs. 
 
 Striding up to him, I snatched the remnants from 
 his hands. 
 
 " You infernal cub ! " I roared. " Haven t you any 
 more sense than to smash a golf club like that? For 
 two cents I d break this putter over your head." 
 
 " Father ! " he yelled indignantly. " Who is this 
 mucker? " 
 
 Mr. Rocksworth bounced toward me, his cane 
 raised. I whirled upon him. 
 
 " How dare you ! " he shouted. The ladies squealed. 
 
 If he expected me to cringe, he was mightily mis 
 taken. My blood was up. I advanced. 
 
 " Paste him, Dad ! " roared Harold. 
 
 But Mr. Rocksworth suddenly altered his course
 
 42 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 and put the historic treaty table between him and me. 
 He didn t like the appearance of my rather brawny fist. 
 
 " You big stiff ! " shouted Harold. Afterwards it 
 occurred to me that this inelegant appellation may 
 have been meant for his father, but at the time I took 
 it to be aimed at me. 
 
 Before Harold quite knew what was happening to 
 him, he was prancing down the long hall with my bony 
 fingers grasping his collar. Coming to the door open 
 ing into the outer vestibule, I drew back my foot for a 
 final aid to locomotion. Acutely recalling the fact 
 that slippers are not designed for kicking purposes, I 
 raised my foot, removed the slipper and laid it upon a 
 taut section of his trousers with all of the melancholy 
 force that I usually exert in slicing my drive off the tee. 
 I shall never forget the exquisite spasm of pleasure his 
 plaintive " Ouch ! " gave me. 
 
 Then Harold passed swiftly out of my life. 
 
 Mr. Rocksworth, reinforced by four reluctant mer 
 cenaries in the shape of porters, was advancing upon 
 me. Somehow I had a vague, but unerring instinct 
 that some one had fainted, but I didn t stop to inquire. 
 Without much ado, I wrested the cane from him and 
 sent it scuttling after Harold. 
 
 " Now, get out ! " I roared. 
 
 " You shall pay for this ! " he sputtered, quite black 
 in the face. " Grab him, you infernal cowards ! " 
 
 But the four porters slunk away, and Mr. Rocks- 
 worth faced me alone. Rudolph and Max, thoroughly 
 fed and most prodigious, were bearing down upon us, 
 accounting for the flight of the mercenaries. 
 
 " Get out ! " I repeated. " I am the owner of this 
 place, Mr. Rocksworth, and I am mad through and 
 through. Skip ! "
 
 I DEFEND MY PROPERTY 43 
 
 " I ll have the law " 
 
 " Law be hanged ! " 
 
 " If it costs me a million, I ll get " 
 
 " It will cost you a million if you don t get ! " I 
 advised him, seeing that he paused for want of breath. 
 
 I left him standing there, but had the presence of 
 mind to wave my huge henchmen away. Mr. Riley- 
 Werkheimer approached, but very pacifically. He was 
 paler than he will ever be again in his life, I fear. 
 
 " This is most distressing, most distressing, Mr. 
 Mr. ahem ! I ve never been so outraged in my life. 
 I but, wait ! " He had caught the snap in my ata 
 vistic eye. " I am not seeking trouble. We will go, 
 sir. I I I think my wife has quite recovered. 
 Are are you all right, my dear?" 
 
 I stood aside and let them file past me. Mrs. Riley- 
 Werkheimer moved very nimbly for one who had just 
 been revived by smelling-salts. As her husband went 
 by, he half halted in front of me. A curious glitter 
 leaped into his fishy eyes. 
 
 " I d give a thousand dollars to be free to do what 
 you did to that insufferable puppy, Mr. Mr. ahem. 
 A cool thousand, damn him ! " 
 
 I had my coffee upstairs, far removed from the 
 onions. A racking headache set in. Never again will 
 I go without my coffee so long. It always gives me a 
 headache.
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 
 
 LATE in the afternoon, I opened my door, hoping that 
 the banging of hammers and the buzz of industry would 
 have ceased, but alas ! the noise was even more deafening 
 than before. I was still in a state of nerves over the 
 events of the morning. There had been a most dis 
 tressing lack of poise on my part, and I couldn t help 
 feeling after it was all over that my sense of humour 
 had received a shock from which it was not likely to 
 recover in a long time. There was but little consola 
 tion in the reflection that my irritating visitors de 
 served something in the shape of a rebuff; I could not 
 separate myself from the conviction that my integrity 
 as a gentleman had suffered in a mistaken conflict with 
 humour. My headache, I think, was due in a large 
 measure to the sickening fear that I had made a fool 
 of myself, notwithstanding my efforts to make fools 
 of them. My day was spoilt. My plans were upset 
 and awry. 
 
 Espying Britton in the gloomy corridor, I shouted 
 to him, and he came at once. 
 
 " Britton," said I, as he closed the door, " do you 
 think they will carry out their threat to have the law 
 on me? Mr. Rocksworth was very angry and put 
 out. He is a power, as you know." 
 
 " I think you are quite safe, sir," said he. " I ve 
 been waiting outside since two o clock to tell you some 
 thing, sir, but hated to disturb you. I " 
 
 44
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 45 
 
 "Thank you, Britton, my head was aching dread 
 fully." 
 
 " Yes, sir. Quite so. Shortly before two, sir, one 
 of the porters from the hotel came over to recover a 
 gold purse Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer had dropped in the 
 excitement, and he informed Mr. Poopendyke that the 
 whole party was leaving at four for Dresden. I asked 
 particular about the young man, sir, and he said they 
 had the doctor in to treat his stomach, sir, immediately 
 after they got back to the hotel." 
 
 "His stomach? But I distinctly struck him on the 
 verso." 
 
 " I know, sir ; but it seems that he swallowed his 
 cigarette." 
 
 To my shame, I joined Britton in a roar of laughter. 
 [Afterwards I recalled, with something of a shock, that 
 it was the first time I had ever heard my valet laugh 
 aloud. He appeared to be in some distress over it 
 himself, for he tried to turn it off into a violent fit of 
 coughing. He is such a faithful, exemplary servant 
 that I made haste to pound him on the back, fearing 
 the worst. I could not get on at all without Britton. 
 He promptly recovered. 
 
 " I beg pardon, sir," said he. " Will you have your 
 shave and tub now, sir? " 
 
 Later on, somewhat refreshed and relieved, I made 
 my way to the little balcony, first having issued nu- 
 merous orders and directions to the still stupefied 
 Schmicks, chief among which was an inflexible command 
 to keep the gates locked against all comers. The sun 
 was shining brightly over the western hills, and the 
 sky was clear and blue. The hour was five I found on 
 consulting my watch. Naturally my first impulse was 
 to glance up at the still loftier balcony in the east
 
 46 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 wing. It was empty. There was nothing in the grim, 
 formidable prospect to warrant the impression that 
 any one dwelt behind those dismantled windows, and I 
 experienced the vague feeling that perhaps it had been 
 a dream after all. 
 
 Far below at the foot of the shaggy cliff ran the 
 historic Donau, serene and muddy, all rhythmic testi 
 monials to the contrary. With something of a shudder 
 I computed the distance from my eerie perch to the 
 rocks at the bottom of the cliff. Five hundred feet, 
 at least; an impregnable wall of nature surmounted 
 by a now rank and obsolete obstruction built by the 
 hand of man: a fortress that defied the legions of old 
 but to-day would afford no more than brief and even 
 desultory target practice for a smart battery. To 
 scale the cliff, however, would be an impossibility for 
 the most resourceful general in the world. All about 
 me were turrets and minarets, defeated by the ancient 
 and implacable foe Time. Shattered crests of 
 towers hung above me, grey and forbidding, yet with 
 out menace save in their senile prerogative to collapse 
 without warning. Tiny windows marked the face of 
 my still sturdy walls, like so many pits left by the pox, 
 and from these in the good old feudal days a hundred 
 marksmen had thrust their thunderous blunderbusses 
 to clear the river of vain-glorious foes. From the 
 scalloped bastions cross-bowmen of even darker ages 
 had shot their random bolts ; while in the niches of 
 lower walls futile pikemen waited for the impossible to 
 happen : the scaling of the cliff ! 
 
 Friend and foe alike came to the back door of 
 Schloss Rothhoefen, and there found welcome or stub 
 born obstacles that laughed at time and locksmiths: 
 monstrous gates that still were strong enough to defy
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 47 
 
 a mighty force. There was my great stone-paved 
 courtyard, flanked on all sides by disintegrating build 
 ings once occupied by serfs and fighting men ; the 
 stables in which chargers and beasts of burden had 
 slept side by side until called by the night s work or 
 the day s work, as war or peace prescribed, ranged 
 close by the gates that opened upon the steep, winding 
 roadway that now dismayed all modern steeds save the 
 conquering ass. Here too were the remains of a once 
 noble garden, and here were the granaries and the 
 storehouses. 
 
 Far below me were the dungeons, with dead men s 
 bones on their dripping floors ; and somewhere in the 
 heart of the peak were secret, unknown passages, long 
 since closed by tumbling rocks and earth, as darkly 
 mysterious as the streets in the buried cities of Egypt. 
 
 Across the river and below me stood the walled-in 
 town that paid tribute to the good and bad Roth- 
 hoefens in those olden days: a red-tiled, gloomy city 
 that stood as a monument to long-dead ambitions. A 
 peaceful, quiet town that had survived its parlous 
 centuries of lust and greed, and would go on living to 
 the end of time. 
 
 So here I sat me down, almost at the top of my fancy, 
 to wonder if it were not folly as well! 
 
 Above me soared huge white-bellied birds, cousins 
 germain to my dreams, but alas ! infinitely more sen 
 sible in that they roamed for a more sustaining nourish 
 ment than the so-called food for thought. 
 
 I looked backward to the tender years when my 
 valiant young heart kept pace with a fertile brain in 
 its swiftest flights, and pinched myself to make sure 
 that this was not all imagination. Was I really living 
 in a feudal castle with romance shadowing me at every
 
 48 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 step? Was this I, the dreamer of twenty years ago? 
 Or was I the last of the Rothhoefens and not John 
 Bellamy Smart, of Madison Avenue, New York? 
 
 The sun shone full upon me as I sat there in my little 
 balcony, but I liked the dry, warm glare of it. To be 
 perfectly frank, the castle was a bit damp. I had had 
 a pain in the back of my neck for two whole days. 
 The sooner I got at my novel and finished it up the 
 better, I reflected. Then I could go off to the baths 
 somewhere. But would I ever settle down to work? 
 Would the plumbers ever get off the place? (They 
 were the ones I seemed to suspect the most.) 
 
 Suddenly, as I sat there ruminating, I became 
 acutely aware of something white on the ledge of the 
 topmost window in the eastern tower. Even as I fixed 
 my gaze upon it, something else transpired. A cloud 
 of soft, wavy, luxurious brown hair eclipsed the narrow 
 white strip and hung with spreading splendour over 
 the casement ledge, plainly, indubitably to dry in the 
 sun! 
 
 My neighbour had washed her hair! 
 
 And it was really a most wonderful head of hair. 
 I can t remember ever having seen anything like it, 
 except in the advertisements. 
 
 For a long time I sat there trying to pierce the 
 blackness of the room beyond the window with my 
 straining eyes, deeply sensitive to a curiosity that had 
 as its basic force the very natural anxiety to know 
 what disposition she had made of the rest of her person 
 in order to obtain this rather startling effect. 
 
 Of course, I concluded, she was lying on a couch of 
 some description, with her head in the window. That 
 was quite clear, even to a dreamer. And perhaps she 
 was reading a novel while the sun shone. My fancy
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 49 
 
 went to the remotest ends of probability: she might 
 even be reading one of mine ! 
 
 What a glorious, appealing, sensuous thing a crown 
 of hair but just then Mr. Poopendyke came to my 
 window. 
 
 " May I interrupt you for a moment, Mr. Smart? " 
 he inquired, as he squinted at me through his ugly bone- 
 rimmed glasses. 
 
 " Come here, Poopendyke," I commanded in low, ex 
 cited tones. He hesitated. " You won t fall off," I 
 said sharply. 
 
 Although the window is at least nine feet high, 
 Poopendyke stooped as he came through. He always 
 does it, no matter how tall the door. It is a life-long 
 habit with him. Have I mentioned that my worthy 
 secretary is six feet four, and as thin as a reed? I 
 remember speaking of his knees. He is also a 
 bachelor. 
 
 " It is a dreadful distance idown there," he mur 
 mured, flattening himself against the wall and closing 
 his eyes. 
 
 A pair of slim white hands at that instant indolently 
 readjusted the thick mass of hair and quite as casually 
 disappeared. I failed to hear Mr. Poopendyke s re 
 mark. 
 
 " I think, sir," he proceeded, " it would be a very 
 good idea to get some of our correspondence off our 
 hands. A great deal of it has accumulated in the past 
 few weeks. I wish to say that I am quite ready to 
 attend to it whenever " 
 
 " Time enough for letters," said I, still staring. 
 
 " We ought to clean them all up before we begin on 
 the romance, sir. That s my suggestion. We shan t 
 feel like stopping for a lot of silly letters By the
 
 50 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 way, sir, when do you expect to start on the romance ? " 
 He usually spoke of them as romances. They were 
 not novels to Poopendyke. 
 
 I came to my feet, the light of adventure in my eye. 
 
 " This very instant, Poopendyke," I exclaimed. 
 
 His face brightened. He loves work. 
 
 " Splendid ! I will have your writing tablets ready 
 in" 
 
 " First of all, we must have a ladder. Have you 
 seen to that ? " 
 
 "A ladder?" he faltered, putting one foot back 
 through the window in a most suggestive way. 
 
 " Oh," said I, remembering, " I haven t told you, 
 have I? Look! Up there in that window. Do you 
 see that? " 
 
 " What is it, sir? A rug? " 
 
 " Rug ! Great Scott, man, don t you know a 
 woman s hair when you see it? " 
 
 " I ve never er never seen it you might say 
 just like that. Is it hair? " 
 
 " It is. You do see it, don t you ? " 
 
 "How did it get there?" 
 
 " Good ! Now I know I m not dreaming. Come ! 
 There s no time to be lost. We may be able to get up 
 there before she hears us ! " 
 
 I was through the window and half way across the 
 room before his well-meant protest checked me. 
 
 " For heaven s sake, Mr. Smart, don t be too hasty. 
 We can t rush in upon a woman unexpectedly like this. 
 Who knows? She may be entirely " He caught 
 himself up sharply, blinked, and then rounded out his 
 sentence in safety with the word " deshabille." 
 
 I was not to be turned aside by drivel of that sort; 
 so, with a scornful laugh, I hurried on and was soon
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 51 
 
 in the courtyard, surrounded by at least a score of 
 persons who madly inquired where the fire was, and 
 wanted to help me to put it out. At last we managed 
 to get them back at their work, and I instructed old 
 Conrad to have the tallest ladder brought to me at 
 once. 
 
 " There is no such thing about the castle," he an 
 nounced blandly, puffing away at his enormous pipe. 
 His wife shook her head in perfect serenity. Somewhat 
 dashed, I looked about me in quest of proof that they 
 were lying to me. There was no sign of anything that 
 even resembled a ladder. 
 
 "Where are your sons?" I demanded. 
 
 The old couple held up their hands in great distress. 
 
 " Herr Britton has them working their souls out, 
 turning a windlass outside the gates ach, that ter 
 rible invention of his ! " groaned old Conrad. " My 
 poor sons are faint with fatigue, mein herr. You 
 should see them perspire, and hear them pant for 
 breath." 
 
 " It is like the blowing of the forge bellows," cried 
 his wife. " My poor little boys ! " 
 
 " Fetch them at once Conrad," said I, cudgelling 
 my brain for a means to surmount a present difficulty, 
 and but very slightly interested in Britton s noble con 
 traption. 
 
 The brothers soon appeared and, as if to give the 
 lie to their fond parents, puffed complacently at their 
 pipes and yawned as if but recently aroused from a 
 nap. Their sleeves were rolled up and I marvelled at 
 the size of their arms. 
 
 "Is Britton dead? " I cried, suddenly cold with the 
 fear that they had mutinied against this brusque Eng 
 lish overlord.
 
 52 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 They smiled. " He is waiting to be pulled up again, 
 sir," said Max. " We left him at the bottom when you 
 sent for us. It is for us to obey." 
 
 Of course, everything had to wait while my obedient 
 vassals went forth and reeled the discomforted Britton 
 to the top of the steep. He sputtered considerably 
 until he saw me laughing at him. Instantly he was a 
 valet once more, no longer a crabbed genius. 
 
 I had thought of a plan, only to discard it on 
 measuring with my eye the distance from the ground 
 to the lowest window in the east wing, second floor back. 
 Even by standing on the shoulders of Rudolph, who 
 was six feet five, I would still find myself at least ten 
 feet short of the window ledge. Happily a new idea 
 (struck me almost at once. 
 
 In a jiffy, half a dozen carpenters were at work con 
 structing a substantial ladder out of scantlings, while 
 I stood over them in serene command of the situation. 
 
 The Schmicks segregated themselves and looked on, 
 regarding the window with sly, furtive glances in which 
 there was a distinct note of uneasiness. 
 
 At last the ladder was complete. Resolutely I 
 mounted to the top and peered through the sashless 
 window. It was quite black and repelling beyond. 
 Instructing Britton and the two brothers to follow me 
 in turn, I clambered over the wide stone sill and lowered 
 myself gingerly to the floor. 
 
 I will not take up the time or the space to relate 
 my experiences on this first fruitless visit to the east 
 wing of my abiding place. Suffice to say, we got as 
 far as the top of the stairs in the vast middle corridor 
 after stumbling through a series of dim, damp rooms, 
 and then found our way effectually blocked by a 
 stout door which was not only locked and bolted, but
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 53 
 
 bore a most startling admonition to would-be trespas 
 sers. 
 
 Pinned to one of the panels there was a dainty bit of 
 white note-paper, with these satiric words written 
 across its surface in a bold, feminine hand: 
 
 " Please keep out. This is private property." 
 
 Most property owners no doubt would have been in 
 censed by this calm defiance on the part of a squatter, 
 either male or female, but not I. The very impudence 
 of the usurper appealed to me. What could be more 
 delicious than her serene courage in dispossessing me, 
 with the stroke of a pen, of at least two-thirds of my 
 domicile, and what more exciting than the thought of 
 waging war against her in the effort to regain posses 
 sion of it? Really it was quite glorious! Here was 
 a, happy, enchanting bit of feudalism that stirred my 
 romantic soul to its very depths. I was being defied 
 by a woman an amazon ! Even my grasping imag 
 ination could not have asked for more substantial 
 returns than this. To put her to rout ! To storm the 
 castle! To make her captive and chuck her into my 
 dungeon ! Splendid ! 
 
 We returned to the courtyard and held a counsel of 
 war. I put all of the Schmicks on the grill, but they 
 stubbornly disclaimed all interest in or knowledge of 
 the extraordinary occupant of the east wing. 
 
 " We can smoke her out, sir," said Britton. 
 
 I could scarcely believe my ears. 
 
 " Britton," said I severely, " you are a brute. I am 
 surprised. You forget there is an innocent babe 
 maybe a collection of them over there. And a dog.. 
 We shan t do anything heathenish, Britton. Please 
 bear that in mind. There is but one way: we must 
 storm the place. I will not be defied to my very nose."
 
 54 
 
 I felt it to see if it was not a little out of joint. " It 
 is a good nose." 
 
 " It is, sir," said Britton, and Poopendyke, in a 
 perfect ecstasy of loyalty, shouted : " Long live your 
 nose, sir ! " 
 
 My German vassals waved their hats, perceiving 
 that a demonstration was required without in the least 
 knowing what it was about. 
 
 " To-night we ll plan our campaign," said I, and 
 then returned in some haste to my balcony. The mists 
 of the waning day were rising from the valley below. 
 The smell of rain was in the air. I looked in vain for 
 the lady s tresses. They were gone. The sun was also 
 gone. His work for the day was done. I wondered 
 whether she was putting up her hair with her own fair 
 hands or was there a lady s maid in her menage. 
 
 Poopendyke and I dined in solemn grandeur in the 
 great banquet hall, attended by the clumsy Max. 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke," said I, after Max had passed me 
 the fish for the second time on my right side and 
 both times across my shoulder,- " we must engage a 
 butler and a footman to-morrow. Likewise a chef. 
 This is too much." 
 
 " Might I suggest that we also engage a chamber 
 maid ? The beds are very poorly " 
 
 I held up my hand, smiling confidently. 
 
 " We may capture a very competent chambermaid 
 before the beds are made up again," I said, with 
 meaning. 
 
 " She doesn t write like a chambermaid," he reminded 
 me. 
 
 Whereupon we fell to studying the very aristocratic 
 chirography employed by my neighbour in barring me 
 from my own possessions.
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 55 
 
 After the very worst meal that Frau Schmick had 
 ever cooked, and the last one that Max under any cir 
 cumstance would be permitted to serve, I took myself 
 off once more to the enchanted balcony. I was full of 
 the fever of romance. A perfect avalanche of situ 
 ations had been tumbling through my brain for hours, 
 and, being a provident sort of chap in my own way, 
 I decided to jot them down on a pad of paper before 
 they quite escaped me or were submerged by others. 
 
 The night was very black and tragic, swift storm 
 clouds having raced up to cover the moon and stars. 
 With a radiant lanthorn in the window behind me, I 
 sat down with my pad and my pipe and my pencil. 
 The storm was not far away. I saw that it would soon 
 be booming about my stronghold, and realised that my 
 fancy would have to work faster than it had ever 
 worked before if half that I had in mind was to be ac 
 complished. Why I should have courted a broken 
 evening on the exposed balcony, instead of beginning 
 my labours in my study, remains an unrevealed mystery 
 unless we charge it to the account of a much-abused 
 eccentricity attributed to genius and which usually 
 turns out to be arrant stupidity. 
 
 I have no patience with the so-called eccentricity 
 of genius. It is merely an excuse for unkempt hair, 
 dirty finger-nails, unpolished boots, open placquets, 
 bad manners and a tendency to forget pecuniary obli 
 gations, to say nothing of such trifles as besottedness, 
 vulgarity and the superior knack of knowing how to 
 avoid making suitable provision for one s wife and 
 children. All the shabby short-comings in the charac 
 ter of an author, artist or actor are blithely charged 
 to genius, and we are content to let it go at that for 
 fear that other people may think we don t know any
 
 56 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 better. As for myself, I may be foolish and inconse 
 quential, but heaven will bear witness that I am not 
 mean enough to call myself a genius. 
 
 So we will call it stupidity that put me where I 
 might be rained upon at any moment, or permanently 
 interrupted by a bolt of lightning. (There were low 
 mutterings of thunder behind the hills, and faint 
 flashes as if a monstrous giant had paused to light 
 his pipe on the evil, wind-swept peaks of the Caucasus 
 mountains.) 
 
 I was scribbling away in serene contempt for the 
 physical world, when there came to my ears a sound 
 that gave me a greater shock than any streak of light 
 ning could have produced and yet left sufficient life 
 in me to appreciate the sensation of being electrified. 
 
 A woman s voice, speaking to me out of the dark 
 ness and from some point quite near at hand! In 
 deed, I could have sworn it was almost at my elbow; 
 she might have been peering over my shoulder to read 
 my thoughts. 
 
 " I beg your pardon, but would you mind doing me 
 a slight favour? " 
 
 Those were the words, uttered in a clear, sweet, per 
 fectly confident voice, as of one who never asked for 
 favours, but exacted them. 
 
 I looked about me, blinking, utterly bewildered. 
 No one was to be seen. She laughed. Without really 
 meaning to do so, I also laughed, nervously, of 
 course. 
 
 " Can t you see me? " she asked. I looked intently 
 at the spot from which the sound seemed to come: a 
 perfectly solid stone block less than three feet from 
 my right shoulder. It must have been very amusing. 
 She laughed again. I flushed resentfully.
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 57 
 
 " Where are you ? " I cried out rather tartly. 
 
 " I can see you quite plainly, and you are very ugly 
 when you scowl, sir. Are you scowling at me? " 
 
 " I don t know," I replied truthfully, still search 
 ing for her. " Does it seem so to you? " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Then I must be looking in the right direction," I 
 cried impolitely. " You must be Ah ! " 
 
 My straining eyes had located a small, oblong 
 blotch in the curve of the tower not more than twenty 
 feet from where I stood, and on a direct line with my 
 balcony. True, I could not at first see a face, but 
 as my eyes grew a little more accustomed to the dark 
 ness, I fancied I could distinguish a shadow that might 
 pass for one. 
 
 " I didn t know that little window was there," I 
 cried, puzzled. 
 
 " It isn t," she said. " It is a secret loop-hole, and 
 it isn t here except in times of great duress. See! I 
 can close it." The oblong blotch abruptly disap 
 peared, only to reappear an instant later. I was be 
 ginning to understand. Of course it was in the 
 beleaguered east wing ! " I hope I didn t startle you 
 a moment ago." 
 
 I resolved to be very stiff and formal about it. 
 " May I enquire, madam, what you are doing in my 
 hou my castle ? " 
 
 " You may." 
 
 " Well," said I, seeing the point, " what are you 
 doing here? " 
 
 " I am living here," she answered distinctly. 
 
 " So I perceive," said I, rather too distinctly. 
 
 " And I have come down to ask a simple, tiny little 
 favour of you, Mr. Smart," she resumed.
 
 58 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " You know my name ? " I cried, surprised. 
 
 " I am reading your last book Are you going? " 
 
 " Just a moment, please," I called out, struck by a 
 splendid idea. Reaching inside the window I grasped 
 the lanthorn and brought its rays to bear upon the 
 perfectly blank wall! I stared open-mouthed and un 
 believing. " Good heaven ! Have I been dreaming 
 all this ? " I cried aloud. 
 
 My gaze fell upon two tiny holes in the wall, ex 
 posed to view by the bright light of my lamp. They 
 appeared to be precisely in the centre of the spot so 
 recently marked by the elusive oblong. Even as I 
 stared at the holes, a slim object that I at once recog 
 nised as a finger protruded from one of them and 
 wiggled at me in a merry but exceedingly irritating 
 manner. 
 
 Sensibly I restored the lanthorn to its place inside 
 the window and waited for the mysterious voice to re 
 sume. 
 
 " Are you so homely as all that ? " I demanded when 
 the shadowy face looked out once more. Very clever 
 of me, I thought. 
 
 " I am considered rather good-looking," she replied, 
 serenely. " Please don t do that again. It was very 
 rude of you, Mr. Smart." 
 
 " Oh, I ve seen something of you before this," I 
 said. " You have long, beautiful brown hair and 
 a dog." 
 
 She was silent. 
 
 " I am sure you will pardon me if I very politely 
 ask who you are? I went on. 
 
 " That question takes me back to the favour. Will 
 you be so very, very kind as to cease bothering me, 
 Mr. Smart? It is dreadfully upsetting, don t you
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 59 
 
 know, feeling that at any moment you may rush in 
 and " 
 
 " I like that. In my own castle, too ! " 
 
 " There is ample room for both of us," she said 
 sharply. " I shan t be here for more than a month or 
 six weeks, and I am sure we can get along very amiably 
 under the same roof for that length of time if you ll 
 only forget that I am here." 
 
 " I can t very well do that, madam. You see, we 
 are making extensive repairs about the place and you 
 are proving to be a serious obstacle. I cannot grant 
 your request. It will grieve me enormously if I am 
 compelled to smoke you out but I fear " 
 
 "Smoke me out!" 
 
 " Perhaps with sulphur," I went on resolutely. " It 
 is said to be very effective." 
 
 " Surely you will not do anything so horrid." 
 
 " Only as a last resort. First, we shall storm the 
 east wing. Failing in that we shall rely on smoke. 
 You will admit that you have no right to poach on my 
 preserves." 
 
 " None whatever," she said, rather plaintively. 
 
 I can t remember having heard a sweeter voice than 
 hers. Of course, by this time, I was thoroughly con 
 vinced that she was a lady, a cultured, high-bred 
 lady, and an American. I was too densely enveloped 
 by the fogginess of my own senses at this time, how 
 ever, to take in this extraordinary feature of the case. 
 Later on, in the seclusion of my study, the full force 
 of it struck me and I marvelled. 
 
 That plaintive note in her voice served its purpose. 
 My firmness seemed to dissolve, even as I sought to 
 reinforce it by an injection of harshness into my own 
 manner of speech.
 
 60 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 ** Then you should be willing to vacate my premises 
 er or " here is where I began to show irresolute- 
 ness " or explain yourself." 
 
 " Won t you be generous ? " 
 
 I cleared my throat nervously. How well they 
 know the cracks in a man s armour! 
 
 " I am willing to be amenable to reason. That s 
 all you ought to expect." A fresh idea took root. 
 u Can t we effect a compromise? A truce, or some 
 thing of the sort? All I ask is that you explain your 
 presence here. I will promise to be as generous as 
 possible under the circumstances. * 
 
 " Will you give me three days in which to think it 
 over? " she asked, after a long pause. 
 
 " No." 
 
 "Well, two days?" 
 
 " I ll give you until to-morrow afternoon at five, 
 when I shall expect you to receive me in person." 
 
 " That is quite impossible." 
 
 " But I demand the right to go wherever I please 
 in my own castle. You " 
 
 " If you knew just how circumspect I am obliged to 
 be at present you wouldn t impose such terms, Mr. 
 Smart." 
 
 " Oho ! Circumspect ! That puts a new light on 
 the case. What have you been up to, madam ? " I 
 spoke very severely. 
 
 She very properly ignored the banality. " If I 
 should write you a nice, agreeable letter, explaining 
 as much as I can, won t you be satisfied? " 
 
 " I prefer to have it by word of mouth." 
 
 She seemed to be considering. " I will come to this 
 window to-morrow night at this time and and let 
 you know," she said reluctantly.
 
 I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY 61 
 
 Very well," said I. We ll let it rest till then." 
 
 " And, by the way, I have something more to ask 
 of you. Is it quite necessary to have all this pound 
 ing and hammering going on in the castle? The noise 
 is dreadful. I don t ask it on my own account, but 
 for the baby. You see, she s quite ill with a fever, 
 Mr. Smart. Perhaps you ve heard her crying." 
 
 "The baby?" I muttered. 
 
 " It is nothing serious, of course. The doctor was 
 here to-day and he reassured me " 
 
 "A a doctor here to-day ? " I gasped. 
 
 She laughed once more. Verily, it was a gentle, 
 high-bred laugh. 
 
 " Will you please put a stop to the noise for a day 
 or two ? " she asked, very prettily. 
 
 " Certainly," said I too surprised to say anything 
 else. " Is is there anything else ? " 
 
 " Nothing, thank you," she replied. Then : 
 " Good night, Mr. Smart. You are very good." 
 
 " Don t forget to-morrow " 
 
 But the oblong aperture disappeared with a sharp 
 click, and I found myself staring at the blank, sphynx- 
 like wall. 
 
 Taking up my pad, my pipe and my pencil, and leav 
 ing all of my cherished ideas out there in the cruel 
 darkness, never to be recovered, at least not in their 
 original form, I scrambled through the window, 
 painfully scraping my knee in passing, 1 just in time 
 to escape the deluge. 
 
 I am sure I should have enjoyed a terrific drenching 
 if she had chosen to subject me to it.
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 
 
 TRUE to the promise she had extracted from me, I 
 laid off my workmen the next morning. They trooped 
 in bright and early, considerably augmented by fresh 
 recruits who came to share the benefits of my in 
 nocuous prodigality, and if I live to be a thousand I 
 shall never again experience such a noisome half hour 
 as the one I spent in listening to their indignant pro 
 tests against my tyrannical oppression of the poor and 
 needy. In the end, I agreed to pay them, one and 
 all, for a full day s work, and they went away mollified, 
 calling me a true gentleman to my face and heaven 
 knows what to my back. 
 
 I spoke gently to them of the sick baby. With one 
 voice they all shouted: 
 
 " But our babies are sick ! " 
 
 One octogenarian a carpenter s apprentice 
 heatedly informed me, through Schmick, that he had a 
 child two weeks old that would die before morning if 
 deprived of proper food and nourishment. Somewhat 
 impressed by this pitiful lament, I enquired how his 
 wife was getting along. The ancient, being in a placid 
 state of senility, courteously thanked me for my inter 
 est, and answered that she had been dead for forty- 
 nine years, come September. I overlooked the slight 
 discrepancy. 
 
 During the remainder of the day, I insisted on the 
 
 utmost quiet in our wing of the castle. Poopendyke 
 
 62
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 63 
 
 was obliged to take his typewriter out to the stables, 
 where I dictated scores of letters to him. I caught 
 Britton whistling in the kitchen about noon-time, and 
 severely reprimanded him. We went quite to the ex 
 treme, however, when we tiptoed about our lofty halls. 
 All of the afternoon we kept a sharp lookout for the 
 doctor, but if he came we were none the wiser. Brit- 
 ton went into the town at three with the letters and a 
 telegram to my friends in Vienna, imploring them to 
 iook up a corps of efficient servants for me and to send 
 them on post-haste. I would have included a request 
 for a competent nurse-maid if it hadn t been for a 
 report from Poopendyke, who announced that he had 
 caught a glimpse of a very nursy looking person at 
 one of the upper windows earlier in the day. 
 
 I couldn t, however, for the life of me understand 
 why my neighbour enjoined such rigid silence in our 
 part of the castle and yet permitted that confounded 
 dog of hers to yowl and bark all day. How was I to 
 know that the beast had treed a lizard in the lower hall 
 and couldn t dislodge it? 
 
 Britton returned with news. The ferrymen, with 
 great joy in the telling, informed him that the season 
 for tourists parties was just beginning and that we 
 might expect, with them, to do a thriving and pros 
 perous business during the next month or two. In 
 deed, word already had been received by the tourists 
 company s agent in the town that a party of one hun 
 dred and sixty-nine would arrive the next day but one 
 from Munchen, bent on visiting my ruin. In great 
 trepidation, I had all of the gates and doors locked 
 and reinforced by sundry beams and slabs, for I knew 
 the overpowering nature of the collective tourist. 
 
 I may be pardoned if I digress at this time to state
 
 64 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 that the party of one hundred and sixty-nine, both 
 stern and opposite, besieged my castle on the next day 
 but one, with the punctuality of locusts, and despite 
 all of my precautions, all of my devices, all of my ob 
 jections, effected an entrance and over-ran the place 
 like a swarm of ants. The feat that could not have 
 been accomplished by an armed force was successfully 
 managed by a group of pedagogues from Ohio, to 
 whom " Keep off the Grass " and " No Trespass " are 
 signs of utter impotence on the part of him who puts 
 them up, and ever shall be, world without end. They 
 came, they saw, they conquered, and they tried to buy 
 picture postcards of me. 
 
 I mention this in passing, lest you should be dis 
 appointed. More anon. 
 
 Punctually at nine o clock, I was in the balcony, 
 thanking my lucky stars that it was a bright, moonlit 
 night. There was every reason to rejoice in the pros 
 pect of seeing her face clearly when she appeared at 
 her secret little window. Naturally, I am too much of 
 a gentleman to have projected unfair means of illumi 
 nating her face, such as the use of a pocket electric 
 lamp or anything of that sort. I am nothing if not 
 gallant, when it comes to a pinch. Besides, I was 
 reasonably certain that she would wear a thick black 
 veil. In this I was wrong. She wore a white, filmy 
 one, but it served the purpose. I naturally concluded 
 that she was homely. 
 
 " Good evening," she said, on opening the window. 
 
 " Good evening," said I, contriving to conceal my 
 disappointment. " How is the baby ? " 
 
 " Very much better, thank you. It was so good of 
 you to stop the workmen." 
 
 " Won t you take off your veil and stay awhile ? "
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 65 
 
 I asked, politely facetious. " It isn t quite fair to 
 me, you know." 
 
 Her next remark brought a blush of confusion to 
 my cheek. A silly notion had induced me to don my 
 full evening regalia, spike-tail coat and all. Nothing 
 could have been more ludicrously incongruous than my 
 appearance, I am sure, and I never felt more uncom 
 fortable in my life. 
 
 " How very nice you look in your new suit," she 
 said, and I was aware of a muffled quality in her ordi 
 narily clear, musical voice. She was laughing at me. 
 * Are you giving a dinner party?" 
 
 " I usually dress for dinner," I lied with some 
 haughtiness. " And so does Poopendyke," I added as 
 an afterthought. My blush deepened as I recalled 
 the attenuated blazer in which my secretary break 
 fasted, lunched and dined without discrimination. 
 
 " For Gretel s benefit, I presume." 
 
 "Aha! You do know Gretel, then?" 
 
 " Oh, I ve known her for years. Isn t she a quaint 
 old dear?" 
 
 " I shall discharge her in the morning," said I se 
 verely. " She is a liar and her husband is a poltroon. 
 They positively deny your existence in any shape or 
 form." 
 
 " They won t pay any attention to you," said she, 
 with a laugh. " They are fixtures, quite as much so 
 as the walls themselves. You ll not be able to dis 
 charge them. My grandfather tried it fifty years 
 ago and failed. After that he made it a point to dis 
 miss Conrad every day in the year and Gretel every 
 other day. As well try to remove the mountain, Mr. 
 Smart. They know you can t get on without them." 
 
 " I have discharged her as a cook," I said, tri-
 
 66 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 umphantly. " A new one will be here by the end of 
 the week." 
 
 " Oh," she sighed plaintively, " how glad I am. She 
 is an atrocious cook. I don t like to complain, Mr. 
 Smart, but really it is getting so that I can t eat 
 anything she sends up. It is jolly of you to get in a 
 new one. Now we shall be very happy." 
 
 " By Jove ! " said I, completely staggered by these 
 revelations. Unable to find suitable words to express 
 my sustained astonishment, I repeated : " By Jove ! " 
 but in a subdued tone. 
 
 " I have thought it over, Mr. Smart," she went on 
 in a business-like manner, " and I believe we will get 
 along much better together if we stay apart." 
 
 Ambiguous remarks ordinarily reach my intelligence, 
 but I was so stunned by preceding admissions that I 
 could only gasp: 
 
 " Do you mean to say you ve been subsisting all this 
 time on my food? " 
 
 " Oh, dear me, no ! How can you think that of me ? 
 Gretel merely cooks the food I buy. She keeps a dis 
 tinct and separate account of everything, poor thing. 
 I am sure you will not find anything wrong with your 
 bills, Mr. Smart. But did you hear what I said a 
 moment ago ? " 
 
 " I m not quite sure that I did." 
 
 " I prefer to let matters stand just as they are. 
 Why should we discommode each other? We are per 
 fectly satisfied as we " 
 
 " I will not have my new cook giving notice, madam. 
 You surely can t expect her or him to prepare 
 meals for two separate " 
 
 " I hadn t thought of that," she interrupted rue 
 fully. " Perhaps if I were to pay her or him
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 67 
 
 extra wages it would be all right," she added, quickly. 
 " We do not require much, you know." 
 
 I laughed rather shortly, meanly, I fear. 
 
 " This is most extraordinary, madam ! " 
 
 " I I quite agree with you. I m awfully sorry it 
 had to turn out as it has. Who would have dreamed 
 of your buying the place and coming here to upset 
 everything? " 
 
 I resolved to be firm with her. She seemed to be 
 taking too much for granted. " Much as I regret it, 
 madam, I am compelled to ask you to evacuate to 
 get out, in fact. This sort of thing can t go on." 
 
 She was silent for so long that I experienced a slow 
 growth of compunction. Just as I was on the point 
 of slightly receding from my position, she gave me an 
 other shock. 
 
 " Don t you think it would be awfully convenient if 
 you had a telephone put in, Mr. Smart? " she said. 
 " It is such a nuisance to send Max or Rudolph over 
 to town every whip-stitch on errands when a telephone 
 in your name, of course would be so much more 
 satisfactory." 
 
 " A telephone ! " I gasped. 
 
 " Circumstances make it quite unwise for me to have 
 a telephone in my own name, but you could have one 
 in yours without creating the least suspicion. You 
 are" 
 
 " Madam," I cried, and got no farther. 
 
 " perfectly free to have a telephone if you want 
 one," she continued. " The doctor came this evening 
 and it really wasn t necessary. Don t you see you 
 could have telephoned for me and saved him the trip? " 
 
 It was due to the most stupendous exertion of self- 
 restraint on my part that I said : " Well, I ll be
 
 68 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 jiggered," instead of something a little less unique. 
 Her audacity staggered me. (I was not prepared at 
 that time to speak of it as superciliousness.) 
 
 " Madam," I exploded, " will you be good enough to 
 listen to me? I am not to be trifled with. To-morrow 
 sometime I shall enter the east wing of this building if 
 I have to knock down all the doors on the place. Do 
 you understand, madam? " 
 
 " I do hope, Mr. Smart, you can arrange to break in 
 about five o clock. It will afford me a great deal of 
 pleasure to give you some tea. May I expect you at 
 five or thereabouts ? " 
 
 Her calmness exasperated me. I struck the stone 
 balustrade an emphatic blow with my fist, sorely peel 
 ing the knuckles, and ground out: 
 
 " For two cents I d do it to-night ! " 
 
 " Oh, dear, oh, dear ! " she cried mockingly. 
 
 " You must be a dreadful woman," I cried out. 
 " First, you make yourself at home in my house ; then 
 you succeed in stopping my workmen, steal my cook 
 and men-servants, keep us all awake with a barking 
 dog, defying me to my very face " 
 
 " How awfully stern you are ! " 
 
 " I don t believe a word you say about a sick baby, 
 
 or a doctor ! It s all poppy-cock. To-morrow 
 you will find yourself, bag and baggage ; sitting at the 
 bottom of this hill, waiting for " 
 
 " Wait ! " she cried. " Are you really, truly in ear 
 nest? " 
 
 " Most emphatically ! " 
 
 " Then I I shall surrender," she said, very slowly, 
 
 and seriously, I was glad to observe. 
 
 " That s more like it," I cried, enthusiastically. 
 " On one condition," she said. " You must agree
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 69 
 
 in advance to let me stay on here for a month or two. 
 It it is most imperative, Mr. Smart." 
 
 "I shall be the sole judge of that, madam," I re 
 torted, with some dignity. " By the way," I went on, 
 knitting my brows, " how am I to get into your side 
 of the castle? Schmick says he s lost the keys." 
 
 A good deal depended on her answer. 
 
 " They shall be delivered to you to-morrow morn 
 ing, Mr. Smart," she said, soberly. " Good night." 
 
 The little window closed with a snap and I was left 
 alone in the smiling moonlight. I was vastly excited, 
 even thrilled by the prospect of a sleepless night. 
 Something told me I wouldn t sleep a wink, and yet I, 
 who bitterly resent having my sleep curtailed in the 
 slightest degree, held no brief against circumstances. 
 In fact, I rather revelled in the promise of nocturnal 
 distraction. Fearing, however, that I might drop off 
 to sleep at three or four o clock and thereby run the 
 risk of over sleeping, I dashed off to the head of the 
 stairs and shouted for Britton. 
 
 " Britton," I said. " I want to be called at seven 
 o clock sharp in the morning." Noting his polite 
 struggle to conceal his astonishment, I told him of my 
 second encounter with the lady across the way. 
 
 " She won t be expecting you at seven, sir," he re 
 marked. " And, as for that, she may be expecting to 
 call on you, instead of the other way round." 
 
 " Right ! " said I, considerably dashed. 
 
 " Besides, sir, would it not be safer to wait till the 
 tourist party has come and gone ? " 
 
 " No tourists enter this place to-morrow or any 
 other day," I declared, firmly. 
 
 " Well, I d suggest waiting just the same, sir," said 
 he, evidently inspired.
 
 70 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Confound them," I growled, somehow absorbing 
 his presentiment. 
 
 He hesitated for a moment near the door. 
 
 "Will you put in the telephone, sir? " he asked, re 
 spectfully. 
 
 Very curiously, I was thinking of it at that instant. 
 
 " It really wouldn t be a bad idea, Britton," I said, 
 startled into committing myself. " Save us a great 
 deal of legging it over town and all that sort of thing, 
 eh?" 
 
 "Yes, sir. What I was about to suggest, sir, is 
 that while we re about it we might as well have a sys 
 tem of electric bells put in. That is to say, sir, in 
 both wings of the castle. Very convenient, sir, you 
 see, for all parties concerned." 
 
 " I see," said I, impressed. And then repeated it, a 
 little more impressed after reflection. " I see. You 
 are a very resourceful fellow, Britton. I am inclined 
 to bounce all of the Schmicks. They have known about 
 this from the start and have lied like thieves. By 
 Jove, she must have an extraordinary power over them, 
 -, or claim, or something equally potent. Now I 
 think of it, she mentioned a grandfather. That would 
 go to prove she s related in some way to some one, 
 wouldn t it? " 
 
 " I should consider it to be more than likely, sir," 
 said Britton, with a perfectly straight face. He must 
 have been sorely tried in the face of my inane maunder- 
 ings. " Pardon me, sir, but wouldn t it be a tip-top 
 idea to have it out with the Schmicks to-night? Be 
 ing, sir, as you anticipate a rather wakeful night, I 
 only make so bold as to suggest it in the hopes you 
 may ave some light on the subject before you close 
 your eyes. In^other words, sir, so as you won t be
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 71 
 
 altogether in the dark when morning comes. See 
 wot I mean? " 
 
 " Excellent idea, Britton. We ll have them up in 
 my study." 
 
 He went off to summon my double-faced servitors, 
 while I wended my way to the study. There I found 
 Mr. Poopendyke, sound asleep in a great arm-chair, 
 both his mouth and his nose open and my first novel 
 also open in his lap. 
 
 Conrad and Gretel appeared with Britton after an 
 unconscionable lapse of time, partially dressed and 
 grumbling. 
 
 "Where are your sons?" I demanded, at once sus 
 picious. 
 
 Conrad shook his sparsely covered head and mumbled 
 something about each being his brother s keeper, all 
 of which was Greek to me until Britton explained that 
 they were not to be found in their customary quarters, 
 that is to say, in bed. Of course it was quite clear 
 to me that my excellent giants were off somewhere, 
 serving the interests of the bothersome lady in the 
 east wing. 
 
 " Conrad," said I, fixing the ancient with a stern, 
 compelling gaze, " this has gone quite far enough." 
 
 " Yes, mein herr? " 
 
 " Do you serve me, or do you serve the lady in the 
 east wing? " 
 
 " I do," said he, with a great deal more wit than 
 I thought he possessed. For a moment I was speech 
 less, but not for the reason you may suspect. I was 
 trying to fix my question and his response quite clearly 
 in my memory so that I might employ them later in 
 the course of a conversation between characters in my 
 forthcoming novel.
 
 72 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " I have been talking with the lady this evening," 
 said I. 
 
 " Yes, mein herr ; I know," said he. 
 
 " Oh, you do, eh? Well, will you be good enough 
 to tell me v/hat the devil is the meaning of all this two- 
 faced, underhanded conduct on your part ? " 
 
 He lowered his head, closed his thin lips and fumbled 
 with the hem of his smock in a significantly sullen man 
 ner. It was evident that he meant to defy me. His 
 sharp little eyes sent a warning look at Gretel, who in 
 stantly ceased her mutterings and gave over asking 
 God to bear witness to something or other. She was 
 always dragging in the Deity. 
 
 " Now, see here, Conrad, I want the truth from you. 
 Who is this woman, and why are you so infernally 
 set upon shielding her? What crime has she com 
 mitted? Tell me at once, or, by the Lord Harry, out 
 you go to-morrow, all of you." 
 
 " I am a very old man," he whined, twisting his 
 gnarled fingers, a suggestion of tears in his voice. 
 * My wife is old, mein herr. You would not be cruel. 
 We have been here for sixty years. The old baron " 
 
 " Enough ! " I cried resolutely. " Out with it, man. 
 I mean all that I say." 
 
 He was still for a long time, looking first at the 
 floor and then at me ; furtive, appealing, uncertain 
 little glances from which he hoped to derive comfort 
 by catching me with a twinkle in my eye. I have a 
 stupid, weak way of letting a twinkle appear there 
 even when I am trying to be harsh and domineering. 
 Britton has noticed it frequently, I am sure, and I 
 think he rather depends upon it. But now I realised, 
 if never before, that to betray the slightest sign of 
 gentleness would be to forever forfeit my standing as
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 73 
 
 master in my own house. Conrad saw no twinkle. 
 He began to weaken. 
 
 " To-morrow, mem herr, to-morrow," he mumbled, 
 in a final plea. I shook my head. " She will explain 
 everything to-morrow," he went on eagerly. " I am 
 sworn to reveal nothing, mein herr. My wife, too, 
 and my sons. We may not speak until she gives the 
 word. Alas ! we shall be turned out to die in our " 
 
 " We have been faithful servants to the Rothhoefens 
 for sixty years," sobbed his wife. 
 
 " And still are, I suspect," I cried angrily. 
 
 " Ach, mein herr, mein herr ! " protested Conrad, 
 greatly perturbed. 
 
 " Where are the keys, you old rascal? " I demanded 
 so sternly that even Poopendyke was startled. 
 
 Conrad almost resorted to the expediency of grovel 
 ling. " Forgive ! forgive ! " he groaned. " I have 
 done only what was best." 
 
 " Produce the keys, sir ! " 
 
 " But not to-night, not to-night," he pleaded. 
 " She will be very angry. She will not like it, mein 
 herr. Ach, Gott! She will drive us out, she will 
 shame us all ! Ach, and she who is so gentle and so 
 unhappy and so so kind, to all of us ! I I cannot 
 I cannot ! No ! " 
 
 Mr. Poopendyke s common sense came in very handily 
 at this critical juncture. He counselled me to let the 
 matter rest until the next morning, when, it was rea 
 sonable to expect, the lady herself would explain every 
 thing. Further appeal to Schmick was like butting 
 one s head against a stone wall, he said. Moreover, 
 Conrad s loyalty to the lady was most commendable. 
 
 Conrad and Gretel beamed on Poopendyke. They 
 thanked him so profoundly, that I couldn t help feel-
 
 74 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 ing a bit sorry for myself, a tyrant without a back 
 bone. 
 
 " Jah, jah! " Conrad cried gladly. " To-morrow she 
 will explain. Time enough, Herr Poopendyke. Time 
 enough, eh ? " 
 
 " Well," said I, somewhat feebly, " where do I come 
 in?" 
 
 They caught the note of surrender in my voice and 
 pounced upon their opportunity. Before they had 
 finished with me, it was quite thoroughly established 
 that I was not to come in at all until my neighbour 
 was ready to admit me. They convinced me that I was 
 a meek, futile suppliant and not the master of a feudal 
 stronghold. Somehow I was made to feel that if I 
 didn t behave myself I stood in considerable danger of 
 being turned off the place. 
 
 However, we forced something out of Schmick be 
 fore his stalwart sons came tramping up the stairs to 
 rescue him. The old man gave us a touch of inside 
 history concerning Schloss Rothhoefen and its erst 
 while powerful barons, not to minimise in the least 
 sense the peculiar prowess of the present Amazon who 
 held forth to-night in the east wing and who, I had 
 some reason to suspect, was one of the family despite 
 the unmistakable flavour of Fifth Avenue and New 
 port. 
 
 About the middle of the nineteenth century the last 
 of the real barons, 1 the powerful, land-owning, 
 despotic barons, I mean, came to the end of his four 
 score years and ten, and was laid away with great 
 pomp and glee by the people of the town across the 
 river. He was the last of the Rothhoefens, for he left 
 no male heir. His two daughters had married Aus 
 trian noblemen, and neither of them produced a male
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 75 
 
 descendant. The estate, already in a state of finan 
 cial as well as physical disintegration, fell into the 
 hands of women, and went from bad to worse so rap 
 idly that long before the last quarter of the century 
 was fairly begun the castle and the reduced holdings 
 slipped away from the Rothhoefens altogether and into 
 the control of the father of the Count from whom I 
 purchased the property. The Count s father, it ap 
 pears, was a distiller of great wealth in his day, and 
 a man of action. Unfortunately he died before he had 
 the chance to carry out his projects in connection 
 with the rehabilitation of Schloss Rothhoef en, even then 
 a deserted, ramshackle resort for paying tourists and 
 a Mecca for antique and picture dealers. 
 
 The new Count my immediate predecessor was 
 not long in dissipating the great fortune left by his 
 father, the worthy distiller. He had run through 
 with the bulk of his patrimony by the time he was 
 twenty-five and was pretty much run down at the heel 
 when he married in the hope of recouping his lost for 
 tune, r 
 
 The Schmicks did not like him. They ilid not ap 
 prove of him as lord and master, nor was it possible 
 for them to resign themselves Jo the fate that had put 
 this young scapegrace into the shoes, so to speak, of 
 the grim old barons Rothhoefen, who whatever else 
 they may have been in a high-handed sort of way were 
 men to the core. This pretender, this creature with 
 out brains or blood, this sponging reprobate, was not 
 to their liking, if I am to quote Conrad, who became 
 quite forceful in his harangue against the recent order 
 of things. 
 
 He, his wife and his sons, he assured me, were full 
 of rejoicing when they learned that the castle had
 
 76 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 passed from Count Hohendahl s hands into mine. I, 
 at least, would pay them their wages and I might, in 
 a pinch, be depended upon to pension them when they 
 got too old to be of any use about the castle. 
 
 At any rate, it seems, I was a distinct improvement 
 over the Count, who had been their master for a dozen 
 very lean and unprofitable years. Things might be 
 expected to look up a bit, with me at the head of the 
 house. Was it not possible for a new and mighty race 
 to rise and take the place of the glorious Rothhoefens? 
 A long line of Baron Schmarts? With me as the 
 prospective root of a thriving family tree ! At least, 
 that is what Conrad said, and I may be pardoned for 
 quoting him. 
 
 I am truly sorry the old rascal put it into my 
 head. 
 
 But the gist of the whole matter was this : There 
 are no more Rothhoefens, and soon, God willing, there 
 would be no more Hohendahls. Long live the 
 Schmarts ! Conrad invariably pronounced my name 
 with the extra consonants and an umlaut. 
 
 All attempts on my part to connect the lady in the 
 east wing with the history of the extinct Rothhoefens 
 were futile. He would not commit himself. 
 
 " Well," said I, yawning in helpless collusion with 
 the sleepy Gretel, " we ll let it go over till morning. 
 Call me at seven, Britton." 
 
 Conrad made haste to assure me that the lady would 
 not receive me before eleven o clock. He begged me 
 to sleep till nine, and to have pleasant dreams. 
 
 I went to bed but not to sleep. It was very clear 
 to me that my neighbour was a disturber in every 
 sense of the word. She wouldn t let me sleep. For 
 two hours I tried to get rid of her, but she filtered into
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 77 
 
 my brain and prodded my thoughts into the most vio 
 lent activity. She wouldn t stay put. 
 
 My principal thoughts had to do with her identity. 
 Somehow I got it into my head that she was one of 
 the female Rothhoefens, pitiable nonentities if Conrad s 
 estimate is to be accepted. A descendant of one of 
 those girl-bearing daughters of the last baron! It 
 sounded very agreeable to my fancy s ear, and I 
 cuddled the hope that my surmise was not altogether 
 preposterous. 
 
 My original contention that she was a poor relation 
 of old Schmick and somewhat dependent upon him for 
 charity to say the least had been set aside for 
 more reliable convictions. Instead of being dependent 
 upon the Schmicks, she seemed to be in an exalted posi 
 tion that gave her a great deal more power over them 
 than even I possessed: they served her, not me. From 
 time to time there occurred to me the thought that my 
 own position in the household was rather an ignoble 
 one, and that I was a very weak and incompetent suc 
 cessor to baronial privileges, to say nothing of rights. 
 A real baron would have had her out of there before 
 you could mention half of Jack Robinson, and there 
 wouldn t have been any sleep lost over distracting 
 puzzles. I deplored my lack of bad manners. 
 
 It was quite reasonable to assume that she was 
 young, but the odds were rather against her being 
 beautiful. Pretty women usually adjure such precau 
 tions as veils. Still, this was speculation, and my 
 reasoning is not always sound, for which I sometimes 
 thank heaven. She had a baby. At least, I suppose 
 it was hers. If not, whose ? This set me off on a new 
 and apparently endless round of speculation, obviously 
 silly and sentimental.
 
 78 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 Now I have humbly tried to like babies. My 
 adolescent friends and acquaintances have done their 
 best to educate me along this particular line, with the 
 result that I suppose I despise more babies than any 
 man in the world. My friends, it would appear, are 
 invariably married to each .other and they all have 
 babies for me to go into false ecstasies over. No doubt 
 babies are very nice when they don t squawk or pull 
 your nose or jab you in the eye, but through some 
 strange and prevailing misfortune I have never en 
 countered one when it was asleep. If they are asleep, 
 the parents compel me to walk on tip-toe and speak 
 in whispers at long range ; the instant they awake and 
 begin to yawp, I am ushered into the presence, or 
 vice versa, and the whole world grows very small and 
 congested and is carried about in swaddling clothes- 
 There is but one way for a bachelor to overcome 
 his horror of babies, and he shouldn t wait too long. 
 I went to sleep about four o clock, still oppressed 
 by the dread of meeting a new baby. 
 
 My contact with the one hundred and sixty-nine 
 sight-seers was brief but exceedingly convincing. 
 They invaded the castle before I was out of bed, having 
 as I afterwards heard the breweries, an art gal 
 lery and the Zoological gardens to visit before noon 
 and therefore were required to make an early start. 
 The cathedral, which is always open to visitors and 
 never has any one sleeping in it, was reserved for the 
 afternoon. 
 
 I was aroused from my belated sleep by the souncl 
 of mighty cataracts and the tread of countless ele 
 phants. Too late I realised that the tourists were 
 upon me! Too late I remembered that the door to 
 my room had been left unlocked! The hundred and
 
 I BECOME AN ANCESTOR 79 
 
 sixty-nine were huddled outside my door, drinking in 
 the monotonous drivel of the guide who had a shrill, 
 penetrating voice and not the faintest notion of a 
 conscience. 
 
 I listened in dismay for a moment, and then, actu 
 ated by something more than mere fury, leaped out of 
 bed and prepared for a dash across the room to lock 
 the door. On the third stride I whirled and made a 
 flying leap into the bed, scuttling beneath the covers 
 with the speed and accuracy of a crawfish. Just in 
 time, too, for the heavy door swung slowly open a sec 
 ond later, and the shrill, explanatory voice was pro 
 jected loudly into my lofty bed chamber. 
 
 " Come a little closer, please," said the morose man 
 with the cap. " This room was occupied for centuries 
 by the masters of Schloss Rothhoefen. It is a bed 
 chamber. See the great baronial bed. It has not 
 been slept in for more than two hundred years. The 
 later barons refused to sleep in it because one of their 
 ancestors had been assassinated between its sheets at 
 the tender age of six. He was stabbed by a step- 
 uncle who played him false. This room is haunted. 
 Observe the curtains of the bed. They are of the 
 rarest silk and have been there for three hundred years, 
 coming from Damascus in the year 1695. Now we 
 will pass on to the room occupied by all of the great 
 baronesses up to the nineteenth " 
 
 A resolute beholder spoke up : " Can t we step in 
 side? " 
 
 " If you choose, madam. But we must waste no 
 time." 
 
 " I do so want to see where the old barons slept." 
 
 " Please do not handle the bedspreads and curtains. 
 They will fall to pieces 1 "
 
 80 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I heard no more, for the vanguard had pushed him 
 aside and was swooping down upon me. A sharp-nosed 
 lady led the way. She was within three feet of the 
 bed and was stretching out her hand to touch the 
 proscribed fabrics when I sat bolt upright and yelled: 
 
 " Get out ! " 
 
 Afterwards I was told that the guide was the first 
 to reach the bottom of the stairs and that he narrowly 
 escaped death in the avalanche of horrified humanity 
 that piled after him, pursued by the puissant ghost of 
 a six-year-old ancestor.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 
 
 THE post that morning, besides containing a telegram 
 from Vienna apprising me of the immediate embarka 
 tion of four irreproachable angels in the guise of 
 servants, brought a letter from my friends the Haz- 
 zards, inquiring when my castle would be in shape to 
 receive and discharge house parties without subjecting 
 them to an intermediate season of peril from drafts, 
 leaky roofs, damp sheets and vampires. 
 
 They implored me to snatch them and one or two 
 friends from the unbearable heat of the city, if only 
 for a few days, appending the sad information that 
 they were swiftly being reduced to grease spots. Dear 
 Elsie added a postscript of unusual briefness and 
 clarity in which she spelt grease with an e instead of 
 an a, but managed to consign me to purgatory if I 
 permitted her to become a spot no larger than the inky 
 blot she naively deposited beside her signature, for all 
 the world like the seal on a death warrant. 
 
 I sat down and looked about me in gloomy despair. 
 No words can describe the scene, unless we devote a 
 whole page to repeating the word " dismal." Devas 
 tation always appears to be more complete of a morn 
 ing I have observed in my years of experience. A 
 plasterer s scaffolding that looks fairly nobby at sunset 
 is a grim, unsightly skeleton at breakfast-time. A 
 couple of joiners horses, a matrix or two, a pile of 
 shavings and some sawed-off blocks scattered over the 
 floor produce a matutinal conception of chaos that 
 
 81
 
 82 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 hangs over one like a pall until his aesthetic sense is 
 beaten into subjection by the hammers of a million 
 demons in the guise of carpenters. Morning in the 
 midst of repairs is an awful thing ! I looked, despaired 
 and then dictated a letter to the Hazzards, urging them 
 to come at once with all their sweltering friends! 
 
 I needed some one to make me forget. 
 
 At eleven o clock, Poopendyke brought me a note 
 from the chatelaine of the east wing. It had been 
 dropped into the courtyard from one of the upper 
 windows. The reading of it transformed me into a 
 stern, relentless demon. She very calmly announced 
 that she had a headache and couldn t think of being 
 disturbed that day and probably not the next. 
 
 My mind was made up in an instant. I would not 
 be put off by a headache, which was doubtless as 
 sumed for the occasion, and I would be master of 
 my castle or know the reason why, etc. 
 
 In the courtyard I found a score or more of idle 
 artisans, banished by the on-sweeping tourists and 
 completely forgotten by me in the excitement of the 
 hour. Commanding them to fetch their files, saws, 
 broad-axes and augurs, I led the way to the mighty 
 doors that barred my entrance to the other side. Ut 
 terly ignoring the supplications of Conrad Schmick and 
 the ominous frowns of his two sons, we set about filing 
 off the padlocks, and chiselling through the wooden 
 panels. I stood over my toiling minions and I venture 
 to say that they never worked harder or faster in their 
 lives. By twelve o clock we had the great doors open 
 and swept on to the next obstruction. 
 
 At two o clock the last door in the east ante-cham 
 ber gave way before our resolute advance and I stood 
 victorious and dusty in the little recess at the top of
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 83 
 
 the last stairway. Beyond the twentieth century 
 portieres of a thirteenth century doorway lay the 
 goal we sought. I hesitated briefly before drawing 
 them apart and taking the final plunge. As a matter 
 of fact, I was beginning to feel ashamed of myself. 
 Suppose that she really had a headache! What an 
 uncouth, pusillanimous brute I 
 
 Just then, even as my hand fell upon the curtains, 
 they were snatched aside and I found myself staring 
 into the vivid, uptilted face of the lady who had defied 
 me and would continue to do so if my suddenly active 
 perceptions counted for anything. 
 
 I saw nothing but the dark, indignant, imperious 
 eyes. They fairly withered me. 
 
 In some haste, attended by the most disheartening 
 nervousness, I tried to find my cap to remove it in the 
 presence of royalty. Unfortunately I was obliged to 
 release the somewhat cumbersome crowbar I had been 
 carrying about with me, and it dropped with a sullen 
 thwack upon my toes. In moments of gravity I am 
 always doing something like that. The pain was ter 
 rific, but I clutched at the forlorn hope that she might 
 at least smile over my agony. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," I began, and then discov 
 ered that I was not wearing a cap. It was most dis 
 concerting. 
 
 " So you would come," she said, very coldly and 
 very levelly. I have a distinct recollection of shrink 
 ing. If you have ever tried to stand flatly upon a 
 foot whose toes are crimped by an excruciating pain 
 you may understand something of the added discom 
 fiture that afflicted me. 
 
 " It it was necessary, madam," I replied as best 
 I could. " You defied me. I think you should have
 
 84 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 appreciated my position my motives er my " 
 
 She silenced me luckily, heaven knows < with a 
 curt exclamation. 
 
 " Your position ! It is intensely Napoleonic," said 
 she with fine irony. Her gaze swept my horde of pant 
 ing, wide-eyed house-breakers. " What a noble vic 
 tory ! " 
 
 It was quite time for me to assert myself. Bowing 
 very stiffly, I remarked: 
 
 " I regret exceedingly to have been forced to dev 
 astate my own property in such a trifling enterprise, 
 madam. The physical loss is apparent, you can 
 see that for yourself, but of course you have no 
 means of estimating the mental destruction that has 
 been going on for days and days. You have been 
 hacking away at my poor, distracted brain so per 
 sistently that it really had to give way. In a measure, 
 this should account for my present lapse of sanity. 
 Weak-mindedness is not a crime, but an affliction." 
 
 She did not smile. 
 
 " Well, now that you are here, Mr. Smart, may I 
 be so bold as to inquire what you are going to do 
 about it?" 
 
 I reflected. " I think, if you don t mind, I ll come 
 in and sit down. That was a deuce of a rap I got 
 across the toes. I am sure to be a great deal more 
 lenient and agreeable if I m asked to come in and see 
 you. Incidentally, I thought I d step up to inquire 
 how your headache is getting on. Better, I hope? " 
 
 She turned her face away. I suspected a smile. 
 
 * If you choose to bang your old castle to pieces, 
 in order to satisfy a masculine curiosity, Mr. Smart, 
 I hare nothing more to say," she said, facing me 
 again still ominously, to my despair. Confound it
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 85 
 
 all, she was such a slim, helpless little thing and all 
 alone against a mob of burly ruffians! I could have 
 kicked myself, but even that would have been an aimless 
 enterprise in view of the fact that Poopendyke or any 
 of the others could have done it more accurately than 
 I and perhaps with greater respect. " Will you be 
 good enough to send your your army away, or do 
 you prefer to have it on hand in case I should take it 
 into my head to attack you? " 
 
 " Take em away, Mr. Poopendyke," I commanded 
 hurriedly. I didn t mind Poopendyke hearing what 
 she said, but it would be just like one of those beggars 
 to understand English and also to misunderstand it. 
 " And take this beastly crowbar with you, too. It has 
 served its purpose nobly." 
 
 Poopendyke looked his disappointment, and I was 
 compelled to repeat the order. As they crowded down 
 the short, narrow stairway, I remarked old Conrad and 
 his two sons standing over against the wall, three very 
 sinister figures. They remained motionless. 
 
 " I see, madam, that you do not dismiss your army," 
 I said, blandly sarcastic. 
 
 " Oh, you dear old Conrad ! " she cried, catching 
 sight of the hitherto submerged Schmicks. The three 
 of them bobbed and scraped and grinned from ear to 
 ear. There could be no mistaking the intensity of 
 their joy. " Don t look so sad, Conrad. I know you 
 are blameless. You poor old dear ! " 
 
 I have never seen any one who looked less sad than 
 Conrad Schmick. Or could it be possible that he was 
 crying instead of laughing? In either case I could 
 not afford to have him doing it with such brazen dis 
 courtesy to me, so I rather peremptorily ordered him 
 below.
 
 86 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " I will attend to you presently, all of you," said 
 I. They did not move. " Do you hear me ? " I 
 snapped angrily. They looked stolidly at the slim 
 young lady. 
 
 She smiled, rather proudly, I thought. " You may 
 go, Conrad. I shall not need you. Max, will you 
 fetch up another scuttle of coal? " 
 
 They took their orders from her! It even seemed 
 to me that Max moved swiftly, although it was doubt 
 less a hallucination on my part, brought about by 
 nervous excitement. 
 
 " By Jove ! " I said, looking after my trusty men- 
 servants as they descended. " I like this! Are they 
 my servants or yours ? " 
 
 " Oh, I suppose they are yours, Mr. Smart," she 
 said carelessly. " Will you come in now, and make 
 yourself quite at home? " 
 
 " Perhaps I d better wait for a day or two," said 
 I, wavering. " Your headache, you know. I can wait 
 just as well as " 
 
 " Oh, no. Since you ve gone to all the trouble I 
 suppose you ought to have something for your 
 pains." t 
 
 " Pains ? " I murmured, and I declare to heaven I 
 limped as I followed her through the door into a tiny 
 hall. 
 
 " You are a most unreasonable man," she said, 
 throwing open a small door at the end of the hall. 
 " I am terribly disappointed in you. You looked to 
 be so nice and sensible and amiable." 
 
 " Oh, I m not such a nincompoop as you might sus 
 pect, madam," said I, testily, far from complimented. 
 I dislike being called nice, and sometimes I think it a 
 mistake to be sensible. A sensible person never gets
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 87 
 
 anything out of life because he has to avoid so much 
 of it. 
 
 " And now, Mr. Smart, will you be kind enough to 
 explain this incomprehensible proceeding on your 
 part?" she said, facing me sternly. 
 
 But I was dumb. I stood just inside the door of 
 the most remarkable apartment it has ever been my 
 good fortune to look upon. My senses reeled. Was 
 I awake? Was this a part of the bleak, sinister, 
 weather-racked castle in which I was striving so hard 
 to find a comfortable corner? 
 
 " Well ? " she demanded relentlessly. 
 
 " By the Lord Harry," I began, finding my tongue 
 only to lose it again. My bewilderment increased, and 
 for an excellent reason. 
 
 The room was completely furnished, bedecked and 
 rendered habitable by an hundred and one articles that 
 were mysteriously missing from my side of the castle. 
 Rugs, tapestries, curtains of the rarest quality ; chairs, 
 couches, and cushions ; tables, cabinets and chests that 
 would have caused the eyes of the most conservative 
 collector of antiques to bulge with not wonder 
 but greed; stands, pedestals, brasses, bronzes, porce 
 lains but why enumerate? On the massive oaken 
 centre table stood the priceless silver vase we had missed 
 on the second day of our occupancy, and it was filled 
 with fresh yellow roses. I sniffed. Their fragrance 
 filled the room. 
 
 And so complete had been the rifling of my rooms 
 by the devoted vandals in their efforts to make this lady 
 cosy and comfortable that they did not overlook a 
 silver-framed photograph of my dear mother! Her 
 sweet face met my gaze as it swept the mantel-piece, 
 beneath which a coal fire crackled merrily. I am not
 
 88 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 quite sure, but I think I repeated " by the Lord 
 Harry " once if not twice before I caught myself up. 
 
 I tried to smile. " How how cosy you are here," 
 I said. 
 
 " You couldn t expect me to live in this awful place 
 without some of the comforts and conveniences of life, 
 Mr. Smart," she said defiantly. 
 
 " Certainly not," I said, promptly. " I am sure 
 that you will excuse me, however, if I gloat. I was 
 afraid we had lost all these things. You ve no idea 
 how relieved I am to find them all safe and sound in my 
 in their proper place. I was beginning to distrust 
 the Schmicks. Now I am convinced of their integ 
 rity." 
 
 " I suppose you mean to be sarcastic." 
 
 " Sarcasm at any price, madam, would be worse than 
 useless, I am sure." 
 
 Crossing to the fireplace, I selected a lump of coal 
 from the scuttle and examined it with great care. 
 She watched me curiously. 
 
 " Do you recognise it? " she asked. 
 
 " I do," said I, looking up. " It has been in our 
 family for generations. My favourite chunk, believe 
 me. Still, I part with it cheerfully." Thereupon I 
 tossed it into the fire. " Don t be shocked ! I shan t 
 miss it. We have coals to burn, madam ! " 
 
 She looked at me soberly for a moment. There was 
 something hurt and wistful in her dark eyes. 
 
 " Of course, Mr. Smart, I shall pay you for every 
 thing down to the smallest trifle when the time 
 comes for me to leave this place. I have kept strict 
 account of " 
 
 She turned away, with a beaten droop of the proud 
 little head, and again I was shamed. Never have I felt
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 89 
 
 so grotesquely out of proportion with myself as at 
 that moment. My stature seemed to increase from an 
 even six feet to something like twelve, and my bulk 
 became elephantine. She was so slender, so lissom, so 
 weak, and I so gargantuan, so gorilla-like, so heavy- 
 handed! And I had come gaily up to crush her! 
 What a fine figure of a man I was ! 
 
 She did not complete the sentence, but walked 
 slowly toward the window. I had a faint glimpse of a 
 dainty lace handkerchief fiercely clutched in a little 
 hand. 
 
 By nature I am chivalrous, even gallant. You may 
 have reason to doubt it, but it is quite true. As I ve 
 never had a chance to be chivalrous except in my 
 dreams or my imagination, I made haste to seize this 
 opportunity before it was too late. 
 
 " Madam," I said, with considerable feeling. " I 
 have behaved like a downright rotter to-day. I do not 
 know who you are, nor why you are here, but I assure 
 you it is of no real consequence if you will but con 
 descend to overlook my insufferable " 
 
 She turned towards me. The wistful, appealing 
 look still lingered in her eyes. The soft red nether lip 
 seemed a bit tremulous. 
 
 " I am an intruder," she interrupted, smiling faintly. 
 " You have every right to put me out of your your 
 home, Mr. Smart. I was a horrid pig to deprive you 
 of all your nice comfortable chairs and " 
 
 " I I haven t missed them." 
 
 " Don t you ever sit down ? " 
 
 " I will sit down if you ll let me," said I, feeling that 
 I wouldn t appear quite so gigantic if I was sitting. 
 
 " Please do. The chairs all belong to you." 
 
 " I m sorry you put it in that way. They are yours
 
 90 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 as long as you choose to to occupy a furnished 
 apartment here." 
 
 " I have been very selfish, and cattish, and incon 
 siderate, Mr. Smart. You see, I m a spoilt child. I ve 
 always had my own way in everything. You must 
 look upon me as a very horrid, sneaking, conspiring 
 person, and I I really think you ought to turn me 
 out." 
 
 She came a few steps nearer. Under the circum 
 stances I could not sit down. So I stood towering 
 above her, but somehow going through a process of 
 physical and mental shrinkage the longer I remained 
 confronting her. 
 
 Suddenly it was revealed to me that she was the 
 loveliest woman I had ever seen in all my life! How 
 could I have been so slow in grasping this great, be 
 wildering truth? The prettiest woman I had ever 
 looked upon! Of course I had known it from the first 
 instant that I looked into her eyes, but I must have been 
 existing in a state of stupefaction up to this illumi 
 nating moment. 
 
 I am afraid that I stared. 
 
 " Turn you out? " I cried. " Turn you out of this 
 delightful room after you ve had so much trouble 
 getting it into shape? Never!" 
 
 " Oh, you don t know how I ve imposed upon you ! " 
 she cried plaintively. " You don t know how I ve 
 robbed you, and bothered you " 
 
 " Yes, I do," said I promptly. " I know all about 
 it. You ve been stealing my coals, my milk, my ice, 
 my potatoes, my servants, my sleep and " here I 
 gave a comprehensive sweep of my hand " everything 
 in sight. And you ve made us walk on tip-toe to 
 keep from waking the baby, and " I stopped
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 91 
 
 suddenly. " By the way, whose baby is it ? Not 
 yours, I m sure." 
 
 To my surprise her eyes filled with tears. 
 
 " Yes. She is my baby, Mr. Smart." 
 
 My face fell. " Oh ! " said I, and got no further 
 for a moment or two. "I I please don t tell me 
 you are married ! " 
 
 " What would you think of me if I were to tell you 
 I m not?" she cried indignantly. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," I stammered, blushing to the 
 roots of my hair. " Stupid ass ! " I muttered. 
 
 Crossing to the fireplace, she stood looking down 
 into the coals for a long time, while I remained where 
 I was, an awkward, gauche spectator, conscious of 
 having put my clumsiest foot into my mouth every 
 time I opened it and wondering whether I could now 
 safely get it out again without further disaster. 
 
 Her back was toward me. She was dressed in a 
 dainty, pinkish house gown or maybe it was light 
 blue. At any rate it was a very pretty gown and she 
 was wonderfully graceful in it. Ordinarily in my 
 fiction I am quite clever at describing gowns that do 
 not exist; but when it comes to telling what a real 
 woman is wearing, I am not only as vague as a savage, 
 but painfully stupid about colors. Still, I think it 
 was pink. I recall the way her soft brown hair grew 
 sbove the slender neck, and the lovely white skin; the 
 smooth, delicate contour of her half-averted cheek and 
 the firm little chin with the trembling red lips above it ; 
 the shapely back and shoulders and the graceful curves 
 of her hips, suggestive of a secret perfection. She was 
 taller than I had thought at first sight, or was it that 
 I seemed to be getting smaller myself? A hasty bit of 
 comparison placed her height at five feet six, using my
 
 92 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 own as something to go by. She couldn t have been a 
 day over twenty-t;wo. But she had a baby ! 
 
 Facing me once more she said : " If you will sit 
 down, Mr. Smart, and be patient and generous with me, 
 I shall try to explain everything. You have a right to 
 demand it of me, and I shall feel more comfortable 
 after it is done." 
 
 I drew up a chair beside the table and sat down. 
 She sank gracefully into another, facing me. A deli 
 cate frown appeared on her brow. 
 
 " Doubtless you are very much puzzled by my 
 presence in this gloomy old castle. You have been 
 asking yourself a thousand questions about me, and you 
 have been shocked by my outrageous impositions upon 
 your good nature. I confess I have been shockingly 
 impudent and " 
 
 " Pardon me ; you are the only sauce I ve had for 
 an excessively bad bargain." 
 
 " Please do not interrupt me," she said coldly. " I 
 am here, Mr. Smart, because it is the last place in the 
 world where my husband would be likely to look for 
 me." 
 
 " Your husband? Look for you? " 
 
 " Yes. I shall be quite frank with you. My hus 
 band and I have separated. A provisional divorce 
 was granted, however, just seven months ago. The 
 final decree cannot be issued for one year." 
 
 " But why should you hide from him ? " 
 
 " The the court gave him the custody of our child 
 during the probationary year. I I have run away 
 with her. They are looking for me everywhere. That 
 is why I came here. Do you understand ? " 
 
 I was stunned. " Then, I take it, the court 
 granted him the divorce and not you," I said, experi-
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 93 
 
 encing a sudden chill about the heart. " You were de 
 prived of the child, I see. Dear me ! " 
 
 " You are mistaken," she said, a flash in her eyes. 
 " It was an Austrian court. The Count my hus 
 band, I should say is an Austrian subject. His in 
 terests must be protected." She said this with a sneer 
 on her pretty lips. " You see, my father, knowing 
 him now for what he really is, has refused to pay over 
 to him something like a million dollars, still due for the 
 marriage settlement. The Count contends that it is a 
 just and legal debt and the court supports him to this 
 extent: the child is to be his until the debt is cleared 
 up, or something to that effect. I really don t under 
 stand the legal complications involved. Perhaps it 
 were better if I did." 
 
 " I see," said I, scornful in spite of myself. " One 
 of those happy international marriages where a bride is 
 thrown in for good measure with a couple of millions. 
 Won t we ever learn ! " 
 
 " That s it precisely," she said, with the utmost 
 calmness and candour. " American dollars and an 
 American girl in exchange for a title, a lot of debts and 
 a ruined life." 
 
 " And they always turn out just this way. What a 
 lot of blithering fools we have in the land of the free 
 and the home of the knave ! " 
 
 " My father objected to the whole arrangement from 
 the first, so you must not speak of him as a knave," she 
 protested. " He doesn t like Counts and such things." 
 
 " I don t see that it helps matters. I can hardly 
 substitute the word * brave for the one I used," said 
 I, trying to conceal my disgust. 
 
 " Please don t misunderstand me, Mr. Smart," she 
 said haughtily. " I am not asking for pity. I made
 
 94 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 my bed and I shall lie in it. The only thing I ask of 
 you is well, kindness." 
 
 She seemed to falter again, and once more I was at 
 her feet, figuratively speaking. 
 
 " You are in distress, in dread of something, 
 madam," I cried. " Consider me your friend." 
 
 She shook her head ruefully. " You poor man ! 
 You don t know what you are in for, I fear. Wait till 
 I have told you everything. Three weeks ago, I laid 
 myself liable to imprisonment and heaven knows what 
 else by abducting my little girl. That is really what 
 it comes to abduction. The court has ordered my 
 arrest, and all sorts of police persons are searching 
 high and low for me. Now don t you see your peril? 
 If they find me here, you will be in a dreadful predica 
 ment. You will be charged with criminal complicity, 
 or whatever it is called, and Oh, it will be frightfully 
 unpleasant for you, Mr. Smart." 
 
 My expression must have convicted me. She couldn t 
 help seeing the dismay in my face. So she went on, 
 quite humbly. 
 
 " Of course you have but to act at once and all may 
 be well for you. I I will go if you if you com 
 mand me to " 
 
 I struck my knee forcibly. " What clo you take 
 me for, madam ? Hang the consequences ! If you feel 
 that you are safe here that is, comparatively safe, 
 stay! " 
 
 " It will be terrible if you get into trouble with the 
 law," she murmured in distress. "I I really don t 
 know what might happen to you." Still her eyes 
 brightened. Like all the rest of her ilk, she was selfish. 
 
 I tried to laugh, but it was a dismal failure. After 
 all, wasn t it likely to prove a most unpleasant matter?
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 95 
 
 I felt the chill moisture breaking out on my forehead. 
 
 " Pray do not consider my position at all," I 
 managed to say, with a resolute assumption of gal 
 lantry. "I I shall be perfectly able to look out for 
 myself, that is, to explain everything if it should 
 come to the worst." I could not help adding, however : 
 " I certainly hope, however, that they don t get on to 
 your trail and " I stopped in confusion. 
 
 " And find me here ? " she completed gloomily. 
 
 " And take the child away from you," I made haste 
 to explain. 
 
 A fierce light flamed in her eyes. " I should kill 
 some one before that could happen," she cried out, 
 clenching her hands. 
 
 "I I beg of you, madam, don t work yourself into 
 a a state," I implored, in considerable trepidation. 
 " Nothing like that can happen, believe me. I " 
 
 " Oh, what do you know about it ? " she exclaimed, 
 with most unnecessary vehemence, I thought. " He 
 wants the child and and well, you can see why he 
 wants her, can t you? He is making the most des 
 perate efforts to recover her. Max says the news 
 papers are full of the the scandal. They are de 
 picting me as a brainless, law-defying American with 
 out sense of love, honour or respect. I don t mind that, 
 however. It is to be expected. They all describe the 
 Count as a long-suffering, honourable, dreadfully mal 
 treated person, and are doing what they can to help 
 him in the prosecution of the search. My mother, who 
 is in Paris, is being shadowed ; my two big brothers are 
 being watched ; my lawyers in Vienna are being trailed 
 everywhere oh, it is really a most dreadful thing. 
 But but I will not give her up ! She is mine. He 
 doesn t love her. He doesn t love me. He doesn t love
 
 96 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 anything in the world but himself and his cigarettes. 
 I know, for I ve paid for his cigarettes for nearly three 
 years. He has actually ridiculed me in court circles, 
 he has defamed me, snubbed me, humiliated me, cursed 
 me. You cannot imagine what it has been like. Once 
 he struck me in " 
 
 " Struck you ! " I cried. 
 
 " in the presence of his sister and her husband. 
 But I must not distress you with sordid details. Suffice 
 it to say, I turned at last like the proverbial worm. I 
 applied for a divorce ten months ago. It was granted, 
 provisionally as I say. He is a degenerate. He was 
 unfaithful to me in every sense of the word. But in 
 spite of all that, the court in granting me the sepa 
 ration, took occasion to placate national honour by 
 giving him the child during the year, pending the final 
 disposition of the case. Of course, everything depends 
 on father s attitude in respect to the money. You see 
 what I mean? A month ago I heard from friends in 
 Vienna that he was shamefully neglecting our my 
 baby, so I took this awful, this perfectly bizarre way 
 of getting her out of his hands. Possession is nine 
 points in the law, you see. I " 
 
 " Alas ! v interrupted I, shaking my head. " There 
 is more than one way to look at the law. I m afraid 
 you have got yourself into a serious er pickle." 
 
 " I don t care," she said defiantly. " It is the law s 
 fault for not prohibiting such marriages as ours. Oh, 
 I know I must seem awfully foolish and idiotic to you, 
 but but it s too late now to back out, isn t it ? " 
 
 I did not mean to say it, but I did, and I said it 
 with some conviction : " It is ! You must be p>-o- 
 tected." 
 
 " Thank you, thank you ! " she cried, clasping
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 97 
 
 unclasping her little hands. I found myself wonder 
 ing if the brute had dared to strike her on that soft, 
 pink cheek! 
 
 Suddenly a horrible thought struck me with stunning 
 force. 
 
 " Don t tell me that your your husband is the man 
 who owned this castle up to a week ago," I cried. 
 "Count James Hohendahl? " 
 
 She shook her head. " No. He is not the man." 
 Seeing that I waited for her to go on, she resumed: 
 " I know Count James quite well, however. He is my 
 husband s closest friend." 
 
 " Good heaven," said I, in quick alarm. " That 
 complicates matters, doesn t it? He may come here at 
 any time." 
 
 " It isn t likely, Mr. Smart. To be perfectly honest 
 with you, I waited until I heard you had bought the 
 castle before coming here myself. We were in hiding 
 at the house of a friend in Linz up to a week ago. I 
 did not think it right or fair to subject them to the 
 notoriety or the peril that was sure to follow if the 
 officers took it into their heads to look for me there. 
 The day you bought the castle, I decided that it was 
 the safest place for me to stay until the danger blows 
 over, or until father can arrange to smuggle me out of 
 this awful country. That very night we were brought 
 here in a motor. Dear old Conrad and Mrs. Schmick 
 took me in. They have been perfectly adorable, all 
 of them." 
 
 " May I enquire, madam," said I stiffly, " how you 
 came to select my abode as your hiding place ? " 
 
 " Oh, I have forgotten to tell you that we lived here 
 one whole summer just after we were married. Count 
 Hohendahl let us have the castle for our our honey-
 
 98 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 moon. He was here a great deal of the time. All 
 sorts of horrid, nasty, snobbish people were here to 
 help us enjoy our honeymoon. I shall never forget 
 that dreadful summer. My only friends were the 
 Schmicks. Every one else ignored and despised me, and 
 they all borrowed, won or stole money from me. I was 
 compelled to play bridge for atrociously high stakes 
 without knowing one card from the other. But, as I 
 say, the Schmicks loved me. You see they were in the 
 family ages and ages before I was born." 
 
 " The family? What family? " 
 
 " The Rothhoefen family. Haven t they told you 
 that my great-grandmother was a Rothhoefen? No? 
 Well, she was. I belong to the third generation of 
 American-born descendants. Doesn t it simplify mat 
 ters, knowing this ? " 
 
 " Immensely," said I, in something of a daze. 
 
 " And so I came here, Mr. Smart, where hundreds of 
 my ancestors spent their honeymoons, most of them 
 perhaps as unhappily as I, and where I knew a fellow- 
 countryman was to live for awhile in order to get a 
 plot for a new story. You see, I thought I might be 
 a great help to you in the shape of suggestion." 
 
 She smiled very warmly, and I thought it was a very 
 neat way of putting it. Naturally it would be quite 
 impossible to put her out after hearing that she had 
 already put herself out to some extent in order to assist 
 me. 
 
 " I can supply the villain for your story if you need 
 one, and I can give you oceans of ideas about noblemen. 
 I am sorry that I can t give you a nice, sweet heroine. 
 People hate heroines after they are married and live 
 unhappily. You " 
 
 " The public taste is changing," I interrupted
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 99 
 
 quickly. " Unhappy marriages are so common nowa 
 days that the women who go into em are always 
 heroines. People like to read about suffering and 
 anguish among the rich, too. Besides, you are a 
 Countess. That puts you near the first rank among 
 heroines. Don t you think it would be proper at this 
 point to tell me who you are ? " 
 
 She regarded me steadfastly for a moment, and then 
 shook her head. 
 
 " I d rather not tell you my name, Mr. Smart. It 
 really can t matter, you know. I ve thought it all out 
 very carefully, and I ve decided that it is not best for 
 you to know. You see if you don t know who it is you 
 are sheltering, the courts can t hold you to account. 
 You will be quite innocent of deliberately contriving to 
 defeat the law. No, I shall not tell you my name, nor 
 my husband s, nor my father s. If you d like to know, 
 however, I will tell you my baby s name. She s two 
 years old and I think she ll like you to call her Rose 
 mary." 
 
 By this time I was quite hypnotised by this charm 
 ing, confident trespasser upon my physical and I 
 was about to say my moral estate. Never have I known 
 a more complacent violater of all the proprieties of law 
 and order as she appeared to be. She was a reve 
 lation ; more than that, she -was an inspiration. What 
 a courageous, independent, fascinating little buccaneer 
 she was ! Her calm tone of assurance, her overwhelm 
 ing confidence in herself, despite the occasional lapse 
 into despair, staggered me. I couldn t help being im 
 pressed. If I had had any thought of ejecting her, 
 bag and baggage, from my castle, it had been com 
 pletely knocked out of my head and I was left, you 
 might say, in a position which gave me no other alter-
 
 100 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 native than to consider myself a humble instrument in 
 the furthering of her ends, whether I would or no. It 
 was most amazing. Superior to the feeling of scorn 
 I naturally felt for her and her kind, the fools who 
 make international beds and find them filled with thorns, 
 there was the delicious sensation of being able to 
 rise above my prejudices and become a willing conspir 
 ator against that despot, Common Sense. 
 
 She was very sure of herself, that was plain; and I 
 am positive that she was equally sure of me. It isn t 
 altogether flattering, either, to feel that a woman is so 
 sure of you that there isn t any doubt concerning her 
 estimate of your offensive strength. Somehow one 
 feels an absence of physical attractiveness. 
 
 " Rosemary," I repeated. " And what am I to call 
 you?" 
 
 " Even my enemies call me Countess," she said coldly. 
 
 " Oh," said I, more respectfully. u I see. When 
 am I to have the pleasure of meeting the less particular 
 Rosemary? " 
 
 " I didn t mean to be horrid," she said plaintively. 
 " Please overlook it, Mr. Smart. If you are very, very 
 quiet I think you may see her now. She is asleep." 
 
 " I may frighten her if she awakes," I said in haste, 
 remembering my antipathy to babies. 
 
 Nevertheless I was led through a couple of bare, un 
 furnished rooms into a sunny, perfectly adorable 
 nursery. A nursemaid, English, at a glance, arose 
 from her seat in the window and held a cautious finger 
 to her lips. In the middle of a bed that would have 
 accommodated an entire family, was the sleeping Rose 
 mary a tiny, rosy-cheeked, yellow haired atom 
 bounded on four sides by yards of mattress. 
 
 I stood over her timorously and stared. The Count-
 
 I MEET THE FOE AND FALL 101 
 
 ess put one knee upon the mattress and, leaning far 
 over, kissed a little paw. I blinked, like a confounded 
 booby. 
 
 Then we stole out of the room. 
 
 " Isn t she adorable ? " asked the Countess when we 
 were at a safe distance. 
 
 " They all are," I said grudgingly, " when they re 
 asleep." 
 
 "You are horrid!" 
 
 " By the way," I said sternly, " how does that bed 
 stead happen to be a yard or so lower than any other 
 bed in this entire castle? All the rest of them are so 
 high one has to get into them from a chair." 
 
 " Oh," she said complacently, " it was too high for 
 Blake to manage conveniently, so I had Rudolph saw the 
 legs off short." 
 
 One of my very finest antique bedsteads ! But I 
 didn t even groan. 
 
 "You will let me stay on, won t you, Mr. Smart?" 
 she said, when we were at the fireplace again. " I am 
 really so helpless, you know." 
 
 I offered her everything that the castle afforded in 
 the way of loyalty and luxury. 
 
 " And we ll have a telephone in the main hall before 
 the end of a week," I concluded beamingly. 
 
 Her face clouded. " Oh, I d much rather have it in 
 my hallway, if you don t mind. You see, I can t very 
 well go downstairs every time I want to use the phone, 
 and it will be a nuisance sending for me when I m 
 wanted." 
 
 This was rather high-handed, I thought. 
 
 " But if no one knows you re here, it seems to me 
 you re not likely to be called." 
 
 " You never can tell," she said mysteriously.
 
 102 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I promised to put the instrument in her hall, and not 
 to have an extension to my rooms for fear of creating 
 suspicion. Also the electric bell system was to be put 
 in just as she wanted it to be. And a lot of other 
 things that do not seem to come to mind at this moment. 
 
 I left in a daze at half-past three, to send Britton 
 up with all the late novels and magazines, and a big box 
 of my special cigarettes.
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 
 
 POOPENDYKE and I tried to do a little work that even 
 ing, but neither of us seemed quite capable of concen 
 tration. We said " I beg pardon " to each other a 
 dozen times or more, following mental lapses, and then 
 gave it up. My ideas failed in consecutiveness, and 
 when I did succeed in hitching two intelligent thoughts 
 together he invariably destroyed the sequence by com 
 pelling me to repeat myself, with the result that I 
 became irascible. 
 
 We had gone over the events of the day very 
 thoroughly. If anything, he was more alarmed over 
 our predicament than I. He seemed to sense the 
 danger that attended my decision to shelter and protect 
 this cool-headed, rather self-centred young woman at 
 the top of my castle. To me, it was something of a 
 lark; to him, a tragedy. He takes everything seri 
 ously, so much so in fact that he gets on my nerves. I 
 wish he were not always looking at things through the 
 little end of the telescope. I like a change, and it is a 
 novelty to sometimes see things through the big end, 
 especially peril. 
 
 " They will yank us all up for aiding and abetting," 
 he proclaimed, trying to focus his eyes on the short 
 hand book he was fumbling. 
 
 " You wouldn t have me turn her over to the law, 
 would you ? " I demanded crossly. " Please don t for 
 get that we are Americans." 
 
 103
 
 104 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " I don t," said he. " That s what worries me most 
 of all." 
 
 " Well," said I loftily, " we ll see." 
 
 We were silent for a long time. 
 
 " It must be horribly lonely and spooky away up 
 there where she is," I said at last, inadvertently be 
 traying my thoughts. He sniffed. 
 
 "Have you a cold?" I demanded, glaring at him. 
 
 " No," he said gloomily ; " a presentiment." 
 
 "Umph!" 
 
 Another period of silence. Then : " I wonder if 
 Max " I stopped short. 
 
 " Yes, sir," he said, with wonderful divination. 
 " He did." 
 
 " Any message ? " 
 
 " She sent down word that the new cook is a jewel, 
 but I think she must have been jesting. I ve never 
 cared for a man cook myself. I don t like to appear 
 hypercritical, but what did you think of the dinner to 
 night, sir? " 
 
 " I ve never tasted better broiled ham in my life, 
 Mr. Poopendyke." 
 
 " Ham ! That s it, Mr. Smart. But what I d like 
 to know is this : " What became of the grouse you 
 ordered for dinner, sir? I happen to know that it 
 was put over the fire at seven " 
 
 * I sent it up to the countess, with our compli 
 ments," said I, peevishly. I think that remark silenced 
 him. At any rate, he got up and left the room. 
 
 I laid awake half the night morbidly berating the 
 American father who is so afraid of his wife that he 
 lets her bully him into sacrificing their joint flesh and 
 blood upon the altar of social ambition. She had said 
 that her father was opposed to the match from the
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 105 
 
 beginning. Then why, in the name of heaven, wasn t 
 he man enough to put a stop to it? Why But what 
 use is there in applying whys to a man who doesn t 
 know what God meant when He fashioned two sexes? 
 I put him down as neutral and tried my best to forget 
 him. 
 
 But I couldn t forget the daughter of this brow 
 beaten American father. There was something singu 
 larly familiar about her exquisite face, a conviction on 
 my part that is easily accounted for. Her portrait, 
 of course, had been published far and wide at the time 
 of the wedding ; she must have been pictured from every 
 conceivable angle, with illimitable gowns, hats, veils and 
 parasols, and I certainly could not have missed seeing 
 her, even with half an eye. But for the life of me, I 
 couldn t connect her with any of the much-talked-of 
 international marriages that came to mind as I lay 
 there going over the meagre assortment I was able to 
 recall. I went to sleep wondering whether Poopen- 
 dyke s memory was any better than mine. He is tre 
 mendously interested in the financial doings of our 
 country, being the possessor of a flourishing savings 
 account, and as he also possesses a lively sense of the 
 ridiculous, it was not unreasonable to suspect that he 
 might remember all the details of this particular trans 
 action in stocks and bonds. 
 
 The next morning I set my labourers to work put 
 ting guest-rooms into shape for the coming of the 
 Hazzards and the four friends who were to be with 
 them for the week as my guests. They were to arrive 
 on the next day but one, which gave me ample time to 
 consult a furniture dealer. I would have to buy at 
 least six new beds and everything else with which to 
 comfortably equip as many bed-chambers, it being a
 
 106 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 foregone conclusion that not even the husbands and 
 wives would condescend to " double up " to oblige me. 
 The expensiveness of this ill-timed visit had not oc 
 curred to me at the outset. Still there was some pros 
 pect of getting the wholesale price. On one point I 
 was determined ; the workmen should not be laid off for 
 a single hour, not even if my guests went off in a 
 huff. 
 
 At twelve I climbed the tortuous stairs leading to 
 the Countess s apartments. She opened the door her 
 self in response to my rapping. 
 
 " I neglected to mention yesterday that I am expect 
 ing a houseful of guests in a day or two," I said, after 
 she had given me a very cordial greeting. 
 
 " Guests ? " she cried in dismay. " Oh, dear ! Can t 
 you put them off? " 
 
 " I have hopes that they won t be able to stand the 
 workmen banging around all day," I confessed, some 
 what guiltily. 
 
 " Women in the party?" 
 
 " Two, I believe. Both married and qualified to 
 express opinions." 
 
 " They will be sure to nose me out," she said rue 
 fully. " Women are dreadful nosers." 
 
 " Don t worry," I said. " We ll get a lot of new 
 padlocks for the doors downstairs and you ll be as 
 safe as can be, if you ll only keep quiet." 
 
 " But I don t see why I should be made to mope here 
 all day and all night like a sick cat, holding my hand 
 over Rosemary s mouth when she wants to cry, and 
 muzzling poor Jinko so that he " 
 
 " My dear Countess," I interrupted sternly, " you 
 should not forget that these other guests of mine are 
 invited here."
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 107 
 
 " But I was here first," she argued. " It is most 
 annoying." 
 
 " I believe you said yesterday that you are in the 
 habit of having your own way." She nodded her head. 
 " Well, I am afraid you ll have to come down from 
 your high horse at least temporarily." 
 
 " Oh, I see. You you mean to be very firm and 
 domineering with me." 
 
 " You must try to see things from my point of " 
 
 " Please don t say that ! " she flared. " I m so tired 
 of hearing those words. For the last three years I ve 
 been commanded to see things from some one else s 
 point of view, and I m sick of the expression." 
 
 " For heaven s sake, don t put me in the same boat 
 with your husband ! " 
 
 She regarded me somewhat frigidly for a moment 
 longer, and then a slow, witching smile crept into her 
 eyes. 
 
 " I sha n t," she promised, and laughed outright. 
 " Do forgive me, Mr. Smart. I am such a piggy 
 thing. I ll try to be nice and sensible, and I will be as 
 still as a mouse all the time they re here. But you 
 must promise to come up every day and give me the 
 gossip. You can steal up, can t you? Surrepti 
 tiously? " 
 
 " Clandestinely," I said, gravely. 
 
 " I really ought to warn you once more about get 
 ting yourself involved," she said pointedly. 
 
 " Oh, I m quite a safe old party," I assured her. 
 " They couldn t make capital of me." 
 
 " The grouse was delicious," she said, deliberately 
 changing the subject. Nice divorcees are always doing 
 that. 
 
 We fell into a discussion of present and future
 
 108 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 needs ; of ways and means for keeping my friends ut 
 terly in the dark concerning her presence in the aban 
 doned east wing; and of what we were pleased to allude 
 to as " separate maintenance," employing a phrase 
 that might have been considered distasteful and even 
 banal under ordinary conditions. 
 
 " I ve been trying to recall all of the notable mar 
 riages we had in New York three years ago," said I, 
 after she had most engagingly reduced me to a state of 
 subjection in the matter of three or four moot ques 
 tions that came up for settlement. " You don t seem 
 to fit in with any of the international affairs I can 
 bring to mind." 
 
 " You promised you wouldn t bother about that, 
 Mr. Smart," she said severely. 
 
 " Of course you were married in New York? " 
 
 " In a very nice church just off Fifth Avenue, if 
 that will help you any," she said. " The usual crowd 
 inside the church, and the usual mob outside, all fight 
 ing for a glimpse of me in my wedding shroud, and 
 for a chance to see a real Hungarian nobleman. It 
 really was a very magnificent wedding, Mr. Smart." 
 She seemed to be unduly proud of the spectacular sac 
 rifice. 
 
 A knitted brow revealed the obfuscated condition 
 of my brain. I was thinking very intently, not to say 
 remotely. 
 
 " The whole world talked about it," she went on 
 dreamily. " We had a real prince for the best man, 
 and two of the ushers couldn t speak a word of Eng 
 lish. Don t you remember that the police closed the 
 streets in the neighbourhood of the church and 
 wouldn t let people spoil everything by going about 
 their business as they were in the habit of doing?
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 109 
 
 Some of the shops sold window space to sight-seers, 
 just as they do at a coronation." 
 
 " I daresay all this should let in light, but it 
 doesn t." 
 
 "Don t you read the newspapers?" she cried im 
 patiently. She actually resented my ignorance. 
 
 " Religiously," I said, stung to revolt. " But I 
 make it a point never to read the criminal news." 
 
 " Criminal news ? " she gasped, a spot of red leaping 
 to her cheek. " What do you mean ? " 
 
 " It is merely my way of saying that I put mar 
 riages of that character in the category of crime." 
 
 " Oh ! " she cried, staring at me with unbelieving 
 eyes. 
 
 " Every time a sweet, lovely American girl is deliv 
 ered into the hands of a foreign bounder who happens 
 to possess a title that needs fixing, I call the transac 
 tion a crime that puts white slavery in a class with the 
 most trifling misdemeanours. You did not love this 
 pusillanimous Count, nor did he care a hang for you. 
 You were too young in the ways of the world to have 
 any feeling for him, and he was too old to have any 
 for you. The whole hateful business therefore re 
 solved itself into a case of give and take and he 
 took everything. He took you and your father s mil 
 lions and now you are both back where you began. 
 Some one deliberately committed a crime, and as it 
 wasn t you or the Count, who levied his legitimate 
 toll, it must have been the person who planned the 
 conspiracy. I take it, of course, that the whole affair 
 was arranged behind your back, so to speak. To make 
 it a perfectly fashionable and up-to-date delivery it 
 would have been entirely out of place to consult the 
 unsophisticated girl who was thrown in to make the
 
 110 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 title good. You were not sold to this bounder. It was 
 the other way round. By the gods, madam, he was 
 actually paid to take you ! " 
 
 Her face was quite pale. Her eyes did not leave 
 mine during the long and crazy diatribe, of which I 
 was already beginning to feel heartily ashamed, and 
 there was a dark, ominous fire in them that should have 
 warned me. 
 
 She arose from her chair. It seemed to me she was 
 taller than before. 
 
 " If nothing else came to me out of this transac 
 tion," she said levelly, " at least a certain amount of 
 dignity was acquired. Pray remember that I am no 
 longer the unsophisticated girl you so graciously de 
 scribe. I am a woman, Mr. Smart." 
 
 " True," said I, senselessly dogged ; " a woman with 
 the power to think for yourself. That is my point. 
 If the same situation arose at your present age, I 
 fancy you d be able to select a husband without as 
 sistance, and I venture to say you wouldn t pick up 
 the first dissolute nobleman that came your way. No, 
 my dear countess, you were not to blame. You 
 thought, as your parents did, that marriage with a 
 count would make a real countess of you. What rot! 
 You are a simple, lovable American girl and that s all 
 there ever can be to it. To the end of your days you 
 will be an American. It is not within the powers of a 
 scape-grace count to put you or any other American 
 girl on a plane with the women who are born countesses, 
 or duchesses, or anything of the sort. I don t say 
 that you suffer by comparison with these noble ladies. 
 As a matter of fact you are surpassingly finer in every 
 way than ninety-nine per cent, of them, poor things ! 
 Marrying an English duke doesn t make a genuine
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 111 
 
 duchess out of an American girl, not by a long shot. 
 She merely becomes a figure of speech. Your own ex 
 perience should tell you that. Well, it s the same with 
 all of them. They acquire a title, but not the homage 
 that should go with it." 
 
 We were both standing now. She was still measur 
 ing me with somewhat incredulous eyes, rather more 
 tolerant than resentful. 
 
 " Do you expect me to agree with you, Mr. Smart? " 
 she asked. 
 
 "I do," said I, promptly. "You, of all people, 
 should be able to testify that my views are absolutely 
 right." 
 
 " They are right," she said, simply. " Still you are 
 pretty much of a brute to insult me with them." 
 
 " I most sincerely crave your pardon, if it isn t too 
 late," I cried, abject once more. (I don t know what 
 gets into me once in a while.) 
 
 " The safest way, I should say, is for neither of 
 us to express an opinion so long as we are thrown into 
 contact with each other. If you choose to tell the 
 world what you think of me, all well and good. But 
 please don t tell me" 
 
 " I can t convince the world what I think of you 
 for the simple reason that I d be speaking at random. 
 I don t know who you are." 
 
 " Oh, you will know some day," she said, and her 
 shoulders drooped a little. 
 
 " I ve I ve done a most cowardly, despicable thing 
 in hunting you " 
 
 " Please ! Please don t say anything more about it. 
 I dare say you ve done me a lot of good. Perhaps I 
 shall see things a little more clearly. To be perfectly 
 honest with you, I went into this marriage with my
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 eyes wide open, but I was only one fool among many. 
 Dozens of other girls in my set were crazy to marry 
 him. I I haven t told you that he is extremely good- 
 looking. And he was was adorable in those days." 
 
 A far-away, dreamy look came into her eyes. She 
 was staring at me, but I felt myself quite outside the 
 range of her vision. 
 
 I ventured a shrewd conjecture, considering the ob 
 vious character of her abstraction. 
 
 " Stranger things have happened than that you 
 should patch up your difficulties and go back to live 
 with your husband." 
 
 She uttered a little cry of revulsion. The dreamy 
 light died in her eyes and she transfixed me with a look 
 of indignation. 
 
 " How dare you suggest such a thing ! How dare 
 you speak to me in that way ! You I ought to order 
 you out of this room and never never " 
 
 My luminous smile checked the outburst. 
 
 " Splendid ! " I cried. " You convince me that it can 
 never happen." 
 
 She smiled doubtfully, quite uncertain how to take 
 my humour. 
 
 " Oh, dear me," she sighed, " I don t believe we shall 
 ever get on at all well together, Mr. Smart. You are 
 such a whimsical person." 
 
 " I ll try to do better," I cried, frankly pleased with 
 the situation. " Give me a chance." 
 
 " You spoke of him as my husband," she said, going 
 back to my remark. " He is not my husband. Please 
 be good enough to remember that." 
 
 " It will be easy, I assure you. May I therefore 
 venture the hope that if you ever decide to marry again 
 you ll give some deserving American a chance to make
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 113 
 
 you his queen ? You ll find it better than being a count 
 ess, believe me." 
 
 " I shall never marry, Mr. Smart," she said with 
 decision. " Never, never again will I get into a mess 
 that is so hard to get out of. I can say this to you 
 because I ve heard you are a bachelor. You can t take 
 offence." 
 
 " I fondly hope to die a bachelor," said I with 
 humility. 
 
 " God bless you ! " she cried, bursting into a merry 
 laugh, and I knew that a truce had been declared for 
 the time being at least. " And now let us talk sense. 
 Have you carefully considered the consequences if you 
 are found out, Mr. Smart? " 
 
 "Found out?" 
 
 " If you are caught shielding a fugitive from justice. 
 I couldn t go to sleep for hours last night thinking of 
 what might happen to you if " 
 
 " Nonsense ! " I cried, but for the life of me I couldn t 
 help feeling elated. She had a soul above self, after 
 all! 
 
 " You see, I am a thief and a robber and a very 
 terrible malefactor, according to the reports Max 
 brings over from the city. The fight for poor little 
 Rosemary is destined to fill columns and columns in the 
 newspapers of the two continents for months to come. 
 You, Mr. Smart, may find yourself in the thick of it. 
 If I were in your place, I should keep out of it." 
 
 " While I am not over j oyed by the prospect of being 
 dragged into it, Countess, I certainly refuse to back 
 out at this stage of the game. Moreover, you may rest 
 assured that I shall not turn you out." 
 
 " It occurred to me last night that the safest thing 
 for you to do, Mr. Smart, is to to get out yourself."
 
 114. A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I stared. She went on hurriedly : " Can t you go away 
 for a month s visit or " 
 
 " Well, upon my soul ! " I gasped. " Would you 
 turn me out of my own house? This beats anything 
 I ve" 
 
 " I was only thinking of your peace of mind and your 
 your safety," she cried unhappily. " Truly, truly 
 I was." 
 
 " Well, I prefer to stay here and do what little I can 
 to shield you and Rosemary," said I sullenly. 
 
 " I ll not say anything horrid again, Mr. Smart," 
 she said quite meekly. (I take this occasion to repeat 
 that I ve never seen any one in all my life so pretty as 
 she!) Her moist red lip trembled slightly, like a cen 
 sured child s. 
 
 At that instant there came a rapping on the door. 
 I started apprehensively. 
 
 " It is only Max with the coal," she explained, with 
 obvious relief. " We keep a fire going in the grate all 
 day long. You ve no idea how cold it is up here even 
 on the hottest days. Come in ! " 
 
 Max came near to dropping the scuttle when he saw 
 me. He stood as one petrified. 
 
 " Don t mind Mr. Smart, Max," s.aid she serenely. 
 " He won t bite your head off." 
 
 The poor clumsy fellow spilled quantities of coal 
 over the hearth when he attempted to replenish the fire 
 at her command, and moved with greater celerity in 
 making his escape from the room than I had ever known 
 him to exercise before. Somehow I began to regain a 
 lost feeling of confidence in myself. The confounded 
 Schmicks, big and little, were afraid of me, after all. 
 
 " By the way," she said, after we had lighted our 
 cigarettes, " I am nearly out of these." I liked the
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 115 
 
 way she held the match for me, and then flicked it 
 snappily into the centre of a pile of cushions six feeb 
 from the fireplace. 
 
 I made a mental note of the shortage and then 
 admiringly said that I didn t see how any man, even a 
 count could help adoring a woman who held a cigarette 
 to her lips as she did. 
 
 " Oh," said she coolly, " his friends were willing 
 worshippers, all of them. There wasn t a man among 
 them who failed to make violent love to me, and with the 
 Count s permission at that. You must not look so 
 shocked. I managed to keep them at a safe distance. 
 My unreasonable attitude toward them used to annoy 
 my husband intensely." 
 
 "Good Lord!" 
 
 " Pooh ! He didn t care what became of me. There 
 was one particular man whom he favoured the most. A 
 dreadful man ! We quarrelled bitterly when I declared 
 that either he or I would have to leave the house for 
 ever. I don t mind confessing to you that the man I 
 speak of is your friend, the gentle Count Hohendahl, 
 some time ogre of this castle." 
 
 I shuddered. A feeling of utter loathing for all 
 these unprincipled scoundrels came over me, and I mildly 
 took the name of the Lord in vain. 
 
 With an abrupt change of manner, she arose from 
 her chair and began to pace the floor, distractedly 
 beating her clinched hands against her bosom. Twice 
 I heard her murmur : " Oh, God ! " 
 
 This startling exposition of feeling gave me a most 
 uncanny shock. It came out of a clear sky, so to say, 
 at a moment when I was beginning to regard her as 
 cold-blooded, callous, and utterly without the emotions 
 supposed to exist in the breast of every high-minded
 
 116 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 woman. And now I was witness to the pain she 
 suffered, now I heard her cry out against the thing that 
 had hurt her so pitilessly. I turned my head away, 
 vastly moved. Presently she moved over to the window. 
 A covert glance revealed her standing there, looking 
 not down at the Danube that seemed so far away but 
 up at the blue sky that seemed so near. 
 
 I sat very still and repressed, trying to remember 
 the harsh, unkind things I had said to her, and berating 
 myself fiercely for all of them. What a stupid, vain 
 glorious ass I was, not to have divined something of the 
 inward fight she was making to conquer the emotions 
 that filled her heart unto the bursting point. 
 
 The sound of dry, suppressed sobs came to my ears. 
 It was too much for me. I stealthily quit my position 
 by the mantel-piece and tip-toed toward the door, bent 
 on leaving her alone. Half-way there I hesitated, 
 stopped and then deliberately returned to the fireplace, 
 where I noisily shuffled a fresh supply of coals into the 
 grate. It would be heartless, even unmannerly, to leave 
 her without letting her know that I was heartily 
 ashamed of myself and completely in sympathy with 
 her. Wisely, however, I resolved to let her have her 
 cry out. Some one a great deal more far-seeing than 
 I let the world into a most important secret when he 
 advised man to take that course when in doubt. 
 
 For a long while I waited for her to regain control 
 of herself, rather dreading the apology she would feel 
 called upon to make for her abrupt reversion to the 
 first principles of her sex. The sobs ceased entirely. 
 I experienced the sharp joy of relaxation. Her dainty 
 lace handkerchief found employment. First she would 
 dab it cautiously in one eye, then the other, after which 
 she would scrutinise its crumpled surface with most
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 117 
 
 extraordinary interest. At least a dozen times she re 
 peated this puzzling operation. What in the world 
 was she looking for? To this day, that strange, sly 
 peeking on her part remains a mystery to me. 
 
 She turned swiftly upon me and beckoned with her 
 little forefinger. Greatly concerned, I sprang toward 
 her. Was she preparing to swoon? What in heaven s 
 name was I to do if she took it into her pretty head to 
 do such a thing as that? Involuntarily I shot a quick 
 look at her blouse. To my horror it was buttoned 
 down the back. It would be a bachelor s luck to 
 But she was smiling radiantly. Saved! 
 
 " Look ! " she cried, pointing upward through the 
 window. " Isn t she lovely ? " 
 
 I stopped short in my tracks and stared at her in 
 blank amazement. What a stupefying creature she 
 was ! 
 
 She beckoned again, impatiently. I obeyed with 
 alacrity. Obtaining a rather clear view of her eyes, 
 I was considerably surprised to find no trace of de 
 parted tears. Her cheek was as smooth and creamy 
 white as it had been before the deluge. Her eyelids 
 were dry and orderly and her nose had not been blown 
 once to my recollection. Truly, it was a marvellous 
 recovery. I still wonder. 
 
 The cause of her excitement was visible at a glance. 
 A trim nurse-maid stood in the small gallery which 
 circled the top of the turret, just above and to the right 
 of us. She held in her arms the pink-hooded, pink- 
 coated Rosemary, made snug against the chill winds of 
 her lofty parade ground. Her yellow curls peeped out 
 from beneath the lace of the hood, and her round little 
 cheeks were the colour of the peach s bloom. 
 
 " Now, isn t she lovely? " cried my eager companion.
 
 118 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Even a crusty bachelor can see that she is adorable." 
 
 " I am not a crusty bachelor," I protested indig 
 nantly, " and what s more, I am positive I should like to 
 kiss those red little cheeks, which is saying a great deal 
 for me. I ve never voluntarily kissed a baby in my 
 life." 
 
 " I do not approve of the baby-kissing custom," she 
 said severely. " It is extremely unhealthy and 
 middle-class. Still," seeing my expression change, " I 
 sha n t mind your kissing her once." 
 
 " Thanks," said I humbly. 
 
 It was plain to be seen that she did not intend to 
 refer to the recent outburst. Superb .exposition of 
 tact! 
 
 Catching the nurse s eye, she signalled for her to 
 bring the child down to us. Rosemary took to me at 
 once. A most embarrassing thing happened. On 
 seeing me she held out her chubby arms and shouted 
 " da-da ! " at the top of her infantile lungs. That had 
 never happened to me before. 
 
 I flushed and the Countess shrieked with laughter. 
 It wouldn t have been so bad if the nurse had known 
 her place. If there is one thing in this world that I. 
 hate with fervour, it is an ill-mannered, poorly-trained 
 servant. A grinning nurse-maid is the worst of all. I 
 may be super-sensitive and crotchety about such things, 
 but I can see no excuse for keeping a servant es 
 pecially a nurse-maid who laughs at everything 
 that s said by her superiors, even though the quip may 
 be no more side-splitting than a two syllabled " da-da." 
 
 " Ha, ha ! " I laughed bravely. " She she evi 
 dently thinks I look like the Count. He is very hand 
 some, you say." 
 
 " Oh, that isn t it," criecl the Countess, taking Rose-
 
 I DISCUSS MATRIMONY 119 
 
 mary in her arms and directing me to a spot on her 
 rosy cheek. " Kiss right there, Mr. Smart. There ! 
 Wasn t it a nice kiss, honey-bunch? If you are a very, 
 very nice little girl the kind gentleman will kiss you on 
 the other cheek some day. She calls every man she 
 meets da-da," explained the radiant young mother. 
 " She s awfully European in her habits, you see. You 
 need not feel flattered. She calls Conrad and Rudolph 
 and Max da-da, and this morning in the back window 
 she applied the same handsome compliment to your Mr. 
 Poopendyke." 
 
 " Oh," said I, rather more crestfallen than relieved. 
 
 "Would you like to hold her, Mr. Smart? She s 
 such a darling to hold." 
 
 " No no, thank you," I cried, backing off. 
 
 " Oh, you will come to it, never fear," she said gaily, 
 as she restored Rosemary to the nurse s arms. " Won t 
 he, Blake?" 
 
 " He will, my lady," said Blake with conviction. I 
 noticed this time that Blake s smile wasn t half bad. 
 
 At that instant Jinko, the chow, pushed the door open 
 with his black nose and strolled imposingly into the 
 room. He proceeded to treat me in the most cavalier 
 fashion by bristling and growling. 
 
 The Countess opened her eyes very wide. 
 
 " Dear me," she sighed, " you must be very like the 
 Count, after all. Jinko never growls at any one but 
 him." 
 
 At dinner that evening I asked Poopendyke point 
 blank if he could call to mind a marriage in New York 
 society that might fit the principals in this puzzling 
 case.
 
 120 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 He hemmed and hawed and appeared to be greatly 
 confused. 
 
 " Really, sir, I I really, I " 
 
 " You make it a point to read all of the society 
 news," I explained ; " and you are a great hand for 
 remembering names and faces. Think hard." 
 
 " As a matter of fact, Mr. Smart, I do remember this 
 particular marriage very clearly," said he, looking down 
 at his plate. 
 
 "You do?" I shouted eagerly. The new footman 
 stared. " Splendid ! Tell me, who is she or was 
 she?" 
 
 My secretary looked me steadily in the eye. 
 
 " I m sorry, sir, but but I can t do it. I prom 
 ised her this morning I wouldn t let it be dragged out 
 of me with red hot tongs."
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 I BECEIVE VISITORS 
 
 SHE was indeed attended by faithful slaves. 
 
 The east wing of the castle was as still as a mouse on 
 the day my house party arrived. Grim old doors took 
 on new padlocks, keyholes were carefully stopped up; 
 creaking floors were calked; windows were picketed by 
 uncompromising articles of furniture deployed to keep 
 my ruthless refugee from adventuring too close to the 
 danger zone ; and adamantine instructions were served 
 out to all of my vassals. Everything appeared to be 
 in tip-top shape for the experiment in stealth. 
 
 And yet I trembled. My secret seemed to be safely 
 planted, but what would the harvest be? I knew I 
 should watch those upper windows with hypnotic zeal, 
 and listen with straining ears for the inevitable squall 
 of a child or the bark of a dog. My brain ran riot 
 with incipient subterfuges, excuses, apologies and lies 
 with which my position was to be sustained. 
 
 There would not be a minute during the week to come 
 when I would be perfectly free to call my soul my own, 
 and as for nerves! well, with good luck they might 
 endure the strain. Popping up in bed out of a sound 
 sleep at the slightest disturbance, with ears wide open 
 and nerves tingling, was to be a nightly occupation at 
 uncertain intervals ; that was plain to be seen. All day 
 long I would be shivering with anxiety and praying for 
 night to come so that I might lie awake and pray for 
 
 the sun to rise, and in this way pass the time as quickly 
 
 121
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 as possible. There would be" difficulty in getting my 
 visitors to bed early, another thing to test my power 
 at conniving. They were bridge players, of course, 
 and as such would be up till all hours of the morning 
 overdoing themselves in the effort to read each other s 
 thoughts. 
 
 I thanked the Lord that my electric lighting system 
 would not be installed until after they had departed. 
 Ordinarily the Lord isn t thanked when an electric 
 light company fail s to perform its work on schedule 
 time, but in this case delay was courted. 
 
 We were all somewhat surprised and not a little dis 
 organised by the appearance of four unexpected 
 servants in the train of my party. We hadn t counted 
 on anything quite so elaborate. There were two lady s 
 maids, not on friendly terms with each other ; a French 
 valet who had the air of one used to being served on a 
 tray outside the servants quarters ; and a German at 
 tendant with hands constructed especially for the pur 
 pose of kneading and gouging the innermost muscles 
 of his master, who it appears had to be kneaded and 
 gouged three times a day by a masseur in order to 
 stave off paralysis, locomotor ataxia or something 
 equally unwelcome to a high liver. 
 
 We had ample room for all this physical increase, 
 but no beds. I transferred the problem to Poopendyke. 
 How he solved it I do not know, but from the woe-be- 
 gone expression on his face the morning after the first 
 night, and the fact that Britton was unnecessarily 
 rough in shaving me, I gathered that the two of them 
 had slept on a pile of rugs in the lower hall. 
 
 Elsie Hazzard presented me to her friends and, with 
 lordly generosity, I presented the castle to them. Her 
 husband, Dr. George, thanked me for saving all their
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 123 
 
 lives and then, feeling a draft, turned up his coat collar 
 and informed me that we d all die if I didn t have the 
 cracks stopped up. He seemed unnecessarily testy 
 about it. 
 
 There was a Russian baron (the man who had to be 
 kneaded) the last syllable of whose name was vitch, the 
 first five evading me in a perpetual chase up and down 
 the alphabet. For brevity s sake, I ll call him Um- 
 ovitch. The French valet s master was a Viennese 
 gentleman of twenty-six or eight (I heard), but who 
 looked forty. I found myself wondering how dear, 
 puritanic, little Elsie Hazzard could have fallen in with 
 two such unamiable wrecks as these fellows appeared to 
 be at first sight. 
 
 The Austrian s name was Pless. He was a plain 
 mister. The more I saw of him the first afternoon the 
 more I wondered at George Hazzard s carelessness. 
 Then there were two very bright and charming Amer 
 icans, the Billy Smiths. He was connected with the 
 American Embassy at Vienna, and I liked him from the 
 start. You could tell that he was the sort of a chap 
 who is bound to get on in the world by simply looking 
 at his wife. The man who could win the love and 
 support of such an attractive creature must of neces 
 sity have qualifications to spare. She was very beauti 
 ful and very clever. Somehow the unforgetable re 
 splendency of my erstwhile typist (who married the 
 jeweller s clerk) faded into a pale, ineffective drab when 
 opposed to the charms of Mrs. Betty Billy Smith. 
 (They all called her Betty Billy.) 
 
 After luncheon I got Elsie off in a corner and plied 
 her with questions concerning her friends. The Billy 
 Smiths were easily accounted for. They belonged to 
 the most exclusive set in New York and Newport. He
 
 124 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 had an incomprehensible lot of money and a taste for 
 the diplomatic service. Some day he would be an Am 
 bassador. The Baron was in the Russian Embassy 
 and was really a very nice boy. 
 
 " Boy ? " I exclaimed. 
 
 " He is not more than thirty," said she. " You 
 wouldn t call that old." There was nothing I could 
 say to that and still be a perfect host. But to you I 
 declare that he wasn t a day under fifty. How blind 
 women can be! Or is silly the word? 
 
 From where we sat the figure of Mr. Pless was plainly 
 visible in the loggia. He was alone, leaning against 
 the low wall and looking down upon the river. He 
 puffed idly at a cigarette. His coal black hair grew 
 very sleek on his smallish head and his shoulders were 
 rather high, as if pinched upward by a tendency to 
 defy a weak spine. 
 
 "And this Mr. Pless, who is he? " 
 
 Elsie was looking at the rakish young man with a 
 pitying expression in her tender blue eyes. 
 
 " Poor fellow," she sighed. " He is in great trouble, 
 John. We hoped that if we got him off here where it 
 is quiet he might be able to forget Oh, but I am 
 not supposed to tell you a word of the story ! We are 
 all sworn to secrecy. It was only on that condition 
 that he consented to come with us." 
 
 "Indeed!" 
 
 She hesitated, uncomfortably placed between two 
 duties. She owed one to him and one to me. 
 
 " It is only fair, John, that you should know that 
 Pless is not his real name," she said, lowering her voice. 
 " But, of course, we stand sponsor for him, so it is all 
 right." 
 
 " Your word is sufficient, Elsie."
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 125 
 
 She seemed to be debating some inward question. 
 The next I knew she moved a little closer to me. 
 
 " His life is a a tragedy," she whispered. " His 
 heart is broken, I firmly believe. Oh ! " 
 
 The Billy Smiths came up. Elsie proceeded to with 
 draw into herself. 
 
 " We were speaking of Mr. Pless," said I. " He has 
 a broken heart." 
 
 The newcomers looked hard at poor Elsie. 
 
 " Broken fiddle-sticks," said Billy Smith, nudging 
 Elsie until she made room for him beside her on the 
 long couch. I promptly made room for Betty Billy. 
 
 " We ought to tell John just a little about him," said 
 Elsie defensively. " It is due him, Billy." 
 
 " But don t tell him the fellow s heart is broken. 
 That s rot." 
 
 " It isn t rot," said his wife. " Wouldn t your heart 
 be broken? " 
 
 He crossed his legs comfortably. 
 
 " Wouldn t it?" repeated Betty Billy. 
 
 " Not if it were as porous as his. You can t break 
 a sponge, my dear." 
 
 "What happened to it?" I inquired, mildly inter 
 ested. 
 
 " Women," said Billy impressively. 
 
 " Then it s easily patched," said I. " Like cures 
 like." 
 
 " You don t understand, John," said Elsie gravely. 
 " He was married to a beautiful " 
 
 " Now, Elsie, you re telling," cautioned Betty Billy. 
 
 " Well," said Elsie doggedly, " I m determined to tell 
 this much: his name isn t Pless, his wife got a divorce 
 from him, and now she has taken their child and run 
 off with it and they can t find what s the matter?"
 
 126 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 My eyes were almost popping from my head. 
 
 " Is is he a count? " I cried, so loudly that they 
 all said " sh ! " and shot apprehensive glances toward 
 the pseudo Mr. Pless. 
 
 " Goodness ! " said Elsie in alarm. " Don t shout, 
 John." 
 
 Billy Smith regarded me speculatively. " I daresay 
 Mr. Smart has read all about the affair in the news 
 papers. They ve had nothing else lately. I won t say 
 he is a count, and I won t say he isn t. We re bound 
 by a deep, dark, sinister oath, sealed with blood." 
 
 " I haven t seen anything about it in the papers," 
 said I, trying to recover my self-possession which had 
 sustained a most tremendous shock. 
 
 " Thank heaven ! " cried Elsie devoutly. 
 
 " Do you mean to say you won t tell me his name ? " 
 I demanded. 
 
 Elsie eyed me suspiciously. " Why did you ask if 
 he is a count? " 
 
 " I have a vague recollection of hearing some one 
 speak of a count having trouble with his young Ameri 
 can wife, divorce, or something of the sort. A very 
 prominent New York girl, if I m not mistaken. All 
 very hazy, however. What is his name? " 
 
 " John," said Mrs. Hazzard firmly, " you must not 
 ask us to tell you. Won t you please understand ? " 
 
 " The poor fellow is almost distracted. Really, Mr. 
 Smart, we planned this little visit here simply in order 
 to to take him out of himself for a while. It has 
 been such a tragedy for him. He worshipped the 
 child." It was Mrs. Billy who spoke. 
 
 " And the mother made way with him ? " I queried, 
 resorting to a suddenly acquired cunning. 
 
 " It is a girl," said Elsie in a loud whisper. " The
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 127 
 
 loveliest girl. The mother appeared in Vienna about 
 three weeks or a month ago and whiff ! Off goes the 
 child. Abducted > kidnapped ! And the court had 
 granted him the custody of the child. That s what 
 makes it so terrible. If she is caught anywhere in 
 Europe well, I don t know what may happen to her. 
 It is just such silly acts as this that make American 
 girls the laughing stocks of the whole world. I give 
 you my word I am almost ashamed to have people point 
 me out and say : There goes an American. Pooh ! " 
 
 By this time I had myself pretty well in hand. 
 
 " I daresay the mother loved the child, which ought 
 to condone one among her multitude of sins. I take it, 
 of course, that she was entirely to blame for everything 
 that happened." 
 
 They at once proceeded to tear the poor little mother 
 to shreds, delicately and with finesse, to be sure, but 
 none the less completely. No doubt they meant to be 
 charitable. 
 
 " This is what a silly American nobody gets for try 
 ing to be somebody over here just because her father 
 has a trunkful of millions," said Elsie, concluding a 
 rather peevish estimate of the conjugal effrontery laid 
 at the door of Mr. Pless s late wife. 
 
 " Or just because one of these spendthrift foreigners 
 has a title for sale," said Billy Smith sarcastically. 
 
 " He was deeply in love with her when they were 
 married," said his wife. " I don t believe it was his 
 fault that they didn t get along well together." 
 
 " The truth of the matter is," said Elsie with finality, 
 " she couldn t live up to her estate. She was a drag, 
 a stone about his neck. It was like putting one s 
 waitress at the head of the table and expecting her to 
 make good as a hostess."
 
 128 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 "What was her social standing in New York?" I 
 enquired. 
 
 " Oh, good enough," said Betty Billy. " She was in 
 the smartest set, if that is a recommendation." 
 
 " Then you admit, both of you, that the best of our 
 American girls fall short of being all that is required 
 over here. In other words, they can t hold a candle to 
 the Europeans." 
 
 " Not at all," they both said in a flash. 
 
 " That s the way it sounds to me." 
 
 Elsie seemed repentant. " I suppose we are a little 
 hard on the poor thing. She was very young, you see." 
 
 " What you mean to say, then, is that she wasn t 
 good enough for Mr. Pless and his coterie." 
 
 " No, not just precisely that," admitted Betty Billy 
 Smith. " She made a bid for him and got him, and my 
 contention is that she should have lived up to the 
 bargain." 
 
 " Wasn t he paid in full ? " I asked, with a slight 
 sneer. 
 
 " What do you mean? " 
 
 " Didn t he get his money? " 
 
 " I am sure I don t see what money has to do with 
 the case," said Elsie, with dignity. " Mr. Pless is a 
 poor man I ve heard. There could not have been very 
 much of a marriage settlement." 
 
 " A mere million to start with," remarked Billy Smith 
 ironically. " It s all gone, my dear Elsie, and I gather 
 that father-in-law locked the trunk you speak of and 
 hid the key. You don t know women as well as I do, 
 Mr. Smart. Both of these charming ladies professed to 
 adore Mr. Pless s wife up to the time the trial for 
 divorce came up. Now they ve got their hammers and 
 hat-pins out for her and "
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 129 
 
 " That isn t true, Billy Smith," cried Elsie in a fierce 
 whisper. " We stood by her until she disobeyed the 
 mandate or whatever you call it of the court. 
 She did steal the child, and you can t deny it." 
 
 " Poor little kiddie," said he, and from his tone I 
 gathered that all was not rosy in the life of the infant 
 in this game of battledore and shuttlecock. 
 
 To my disgust, the three of them refused to en 
 lighten me further as to the history, identity or char 
 acter of either Mr. or Mrs. Pless, but of course I knew 
 that I was entertaining under my roof, by the most ex 
 traordinary coincidence, the Count and Countess of 
 Something-or-other, who were at war, and the child they 
 were fighting for with motives of an entirely opposite 
 nature. 
 
 Right or wrong, my sympathies were with the refugee 
 in the lonely east wing. I was all the more determined 
 now to shield her as far as it lay in my power to do so, 
 and to defend her if the worst were to happen. 
 
 Mr. Pless tossed his cigarette over the railing and 
 sauntered over to join us. 
 
 " I suppose you ve been discussing the view," he said 
 as he came up. There was a mean smile on his yes, 
 it was a rather handsome face and the two ladies 
 started guiltily. The attack on his part was particu 
 larly direct when one stops to consider that there 
 wasn t any view to be had from where we were sitting, 
 unless one could call a three-decked plasterer s scaf 
 folding a view. 
 
 " We ve been (discussing the recent improvements 
 about the castle, Mr. Pless," said I with so much direct 
 ness that I felt Mrs. Billy Smith s arm stiffen and 
 suspected a general tension of nerves from head to 
 foot.
 
 130 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " You shouldn t spoil the place, Mr. Smart," said he, 
 with a careless glance about him. 
 
 "Don t ruin the ruins," added Billy Smith, of the 
 (diplomatic corps. 
 
 "What time do we dine?" asked Mr. Pless, with a 
 suppressed yawn. 
 
 " At eight," said Elsie promptly. 
 
 We were in the habit of dining at seven-thirty, but 
 I was growing accustomed to the over-riding process, 
 so allowed my dinner hour to be changed without a 
 word. 
 
 " I think I ll take a nap," said he. With a languid 
 smile and a little flaunt of his hand as if dismissing us, 
 he moved languidly off, but stopped after a few steps to 
 say to me : " We ll explore the castle to-morrow, Mr. 
 Smart, if it s just the same to you." He spoke with a 
 very slight accent and in a peculiarly attractive man 
 ner. There was charm to the man, I was bound to 
 admit. " I know Schloss Rothhoefen very well. It is 
 an old stamping ground of mine." 
 
 " Indeed," said I, affecting surprise. 
 
 " I spent a very joyous season here not so many 
 years ago. Hohendahl is a bosom friend." 
 
 When he was quite out of hearing, Billy Smith leaned 
 over and said to me : " He spent his honeymoon here, 
 old man. It was the girls idea to bring him here to 
 assuage the present with memories of the past. Quite 
 a pretty sentiment, eh? " 
 
 " It depends on how he spent it," I said significantly. 
 Smith grinned approvingly. Being a diplomat he 
 sensed my meaning at once. 
 
 " It was a lot of money," he said. 
 
 At dinner the Russian baron, who examined every 
 particle of food he ate with great care and discrim-
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 131 
 
 ination, evidently looking for poison, embarrassed me 
 in the usual fashion by asking how I write my books, 
 where I get my plots, and all the rest of the questions 
 that have become so hatefully unanswerable, ending up 
 by blandly enquiring what I had written. This was 
 made especially humiliating by the prefatory remark 
 that he had lived in Washington for five years and had 
 read everything that was worth reading. 
 
 If Elsie had been a man I should have kicked her for 
 further confounding me by mentioning the titles of all 
 my books and saying that he surely must have read 
 them, as everybody did, thereby supplying him with the 
 chance to triumphantly say that he d be hanged if he d 
 ever heard of any one of them. I shall always console 
 myself with the joyful thought that I couldn t re 
 member his infernal name and would now make it a point 
 never to do so. 
 
 Mr. Pless openly made love to Elsie and the Baron 
 openly made love to Betty Billy. Being a sort of non 
 committal bachelor, I ranged myself with the two aban 
 doned husbands and we had quite a reckless time of it, 
 talking with uninterrupted devilishness about the 
 growth of American dentistry in European capitals, 
 the way one has his nails manicured in Germany, the 
 upset price of hot-house strawberries, the relative merit 
 of French and English bulls, the continued progress 
 of the weather and sundry other topics of similar pi 
 quancy. Elsie invited all of us to a welsh rarebit party 
 she was giving at eleven-thirty, and then they got to 
 work at the bridge table, poor George Hazzard cutting 
 in occasionally. This left Billy Smith and me free to 
 make up a somewhat somnolent two-some. 
 
 I was eager to steal away to the east wing with the 
 news, but how to dispose of Billy without appearing
 
 132 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 rude was more than I could work out. It was absolutely 
 necessary for the Countess to know that her ex-husband 
 was in the castle. I would have to manage in some way 
 to see her before the evening was over. The least care 
 lessness, the smallest slip might prove the undoing of 
 both of us. 
 
 I wondered how she would take the dismal news. 
 Would she become hysterical and go all to pieces? 
 Would the prospect of a week of propinquity be too 
 much for her, even though thick walls intervened to put 
 them into separate worlds? Or, worst of all, would she 
 reveal an uncomfortable spirit of bravado, rashly 
 casting discretion to the winds in order to show him 
 that she was not the timid, beaten coward he might 
 suspect her of being? She had once said to me that 
 she loathed a coward. 
 
 I have always wondered how it felt to be in a " pretty 
 kettle of fish," or a " pickle," or any of the synonymous 
 predicaments. Now I knew. Nothing could have been 
 more synchronous than the plural howdy-do that con 
 fronted me. 
 
 My nervousness must have been outrageously pro 
 nounced. Pacing the floor, looking at one s watch, 
 sighing profoundly, putting one s hands in the pockets 
 and taking them out again almost immediately, letting 
 questions go by unanswered, and all such, are actions 
 or conditions that usually produce the impression that 
 one is nervous. A discerning observer seldom fails to 
 note the symptoms. 
 
 Mr. Smith said to me at nine-sixteen (I know it was 
 exactly nine-sixteen to the second) with polite convic 
 tion in his smile : " You seem to have something on your 
 mind, old chap." 
 
 Now no one but a true diplomat recognises the psy-
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 133 
 
 chological moment for calling an almost total stranger 
 " old chap." 
 
 " I have, old fellow," said I, immensely relieved by 
 his perspicuity. " I ought to get off five or six very 
 important letters to " 
 
 He interrupted me with a genial wave of his hand. 
 " Run along and get em off," he said. " Don t mind 
 me. I ll look over the magazines." 
 
 Ten minutes later I was sneaking up the interminable 
 stairways in the sepulchral east wing, lighting and re 
 lighting a tallow candle with grim patience at every 
 other landing and luridly berating the drafts that 
 swept the passages. Mr. Poopendyke stood guard 
 below at the padlocked doors, holding the keys. He 
 was to await my signal to reopen them, but he was not 
 to release me under any circumstance if snoopers were 
 abroad. 
 
 My secretary was vastly disturbed by the news I 
 imparted. He was so startled that he forgot to tell me 
 that he wouldn t spend another night on a pile of rugs 
 with Britton as a bed-fellow, an omission which gave 
 Britton the opportunity to anticipate him by almost 
 giving notice that very night. (The upshot of it was 
 the hasty acquisition of two brand new iron beds the 
 next day, and the restoration of peace in my domestic 
 realm. ) 
 
 Somewhat timorously I knocked at the Countess s 
 door. I realised that it was a most unseemly hour for 
 calling on a young, beautiful and unprotected lady, 
 but the exigencies of the moment lent moral support to 
 my invasion. 
 
 After waiting five minutes and then knocking again 
 so loudly that the sound reverberated through the 
 empty halls with a sickening clatter, I heard some one
 
 134 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 fumbling with the bolts. The door opened an inch or 
 two. 
 
 The Countess s French maid peered out at me. 
 
 * Tell your mistress that I must see her at once." 
 
 " Madame is not at home, m sieur," said the young 
 woman. 
 
 " Not at home? " I gasped. " Where is she? " 
 
 " Madame has gone to bed." 
 
 " Oh," I said, blinking. " Then she is at home. 
 Present my compliments and ask her to get up. Some 
 thing very exasperating has hap " 
 
 " Madame has request me to inform m sieur that 
 she knows the Count is here, and will you be so good as 
 to call to-morrow morning." 
 
 "What! She knows he s here? Who brought the 
 information? " 
 
 " The bountiful Max, m sieur. He bring it with 
 dejeuner, again with diner, and but now with the hot 
 water, m sieur." 
 
 " Oh, I see," said I profoundly. " In that case, I 
 I sha n t disturb her. How er how did she 
 take it?" 
 
 She gave me a severely reproachful look. 
 
 " She took it as usual, m sieur. In that dreadful 
 little tin tub old Conrad " 
 
 " Good heavens, girl ! I mean the news the news 
 about the Count." 
 
 " Mon dieu ! I thought m sieur refer to But 
 yes ! She take it beautifully. I too mean the news. 
 Madame is not afraid. Has she not the good, brave 
 m sieur to what you call it to shoulder all the 
 worry, no? She is not alarm. She reads m sieur s 
 latest book in bed, smoke the cigarette, and she say 
 what the divil do she care."
 
 I RECEIVE VISITORS 135 
 
 " What ! " 
 
 " Non, non ! I, Helene Marie Louise Antoinette, 
 say it for Madame. Pardon! Pardon, m sieur! It 
 is I who am wicked." 
 
 Very stiffly and ceremoniously I advised caution for 
 the next twelve hours, and saying good night to Helene 
 Marie Louise Antoinette in an unintentionally compli 
 mentary whisper, took myself off down the stairs, pur 
 sued by an equally subdued bon soir which made me 
 feel like a soft-stepping Lothario. 
 
 Now it may occur to you that any self-respecting 
 gentleman in possession of a castle and a grain of com 
 mon sense would have set about to find out the true 
 names of the guests beneath his roof. The task would 
 have been a simple one, there is no doubt of that. A 
 peremptory command with a rigid alternative would 
 have brought out the truth in a jiffy. 
 
 But it so happens that I rather enjoyed the mystery. 
 The situation was unique, the comedy most exhilara 
 ting. Of course, there was a tragic side to the whole 
 matter, but now that I was in for it, why minimise the 
 novelty by adopting arbitrary measures? Three min 
 utes of stern conversation with Elsie Hazzard would 
 enlighten me on all the essential points ; perhaps half an 
 hour would bring Poopendyke to terms ; a half a day 
 might be required in the brow-beating of the frail 
 Countess. With the Schmicks, there was no hope. But 
 why not allow myself the pleasure of enjoying the 
 romantic feast that had been set before me by the gods 
 of chance? Chance ordered the tangle; let chance un 
 ravel it. Somewhat gleefully I decided that it would 
 be geod fun to keep myself in the dark as long as 
 possible ! 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke," said I, after that nervous facto-
 
 136 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 turn had let me into my side of the castle with gratify 
 ing stealthiness, " you will oblige me by not mentioning 
 that fair lady s name in my presence." 
 
 " You did not stay very long, sir," said he in a sad 
 whisper, and for the life of me I couldn t determine what 
 construction to put upon the singularly unresponsive 
 remark. 
 
 When I reached the room where my guests were as 
 sembled, I found Mr. Pless and the Baron Umovitch 
 engaged in an acrimonious dispute over a question of 
 bridge etiquette. The former had resented a sharp 
 criticism coming from the latter, and they were waging 
 a verbal battle in what I took to be five or six different 
 tongues, none of which appeared to bear the slightest 
 relationship to the English language. Suddenly Mr. 
 Pless threw his cards down and left the table, without a 
 word of apology to the two ladies, who looked more hurt 
 than appalled. 
 
 He said he was going to bed, but I noticed that he 
 took himself off in the direction of the moonlit loggia. 
 We were still discussing his defection in subdued tones 
 with the exception of the irate baron when he re- 
 entered the room. The expression on his face was 
 mocking, even accusing. Directing his words to me, 
 he uttered a lazy indictment. 
 
 " Are there real spirits in your castle, Mr. Smart, 
 or have you flesh and blood mediums here who roam 
 about in white night dresses to study the moods of the 
 moon from the dizziest ramparts ? " 
 
 I started. What indiscretion had the Countess been 
 up to ? 
 
 " I don t quite understand you, Mr. Pless," I said, 
 with a politely blank stare. 
 
 Confound his insolence! He winked at me!
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 I KESOET TO DIPLOMACY 
 
 " MY dear Countess," said I, the next morning, " while 
 I am willing to admit that all you say is true, there still 
 remains the unhappy fact that you were very near to 
 upsetting everything last night. Mr. Pless saw you 
 quite plainly. The moon was very full, you ll remem 
 ber. Fortunately he was too far away from your 
 window to recognise you. Think how easy it might " 
 
 " But I ve told you twice that I held my hand over 
 Pinko s nose and he just couldn t bark, Mr. Smart. 
 You are really most unreasonable about it. The dog 
 had to have a breath of fresh air." 
 
 " Why not send him up to the top of the tower and 
 let him run around on the " 
 
 " Oh, there s no use talking about it any longer," 
 she said wearily. " It is all over and no real harm 
 was done. I am awfully soruy if they made it un 
 comfortable for you. It is just like him to suggest 
 something well, scandalous. And the rest of them 
 are dreadful teases, especially Mrs. Smith. They love 
 anything risque. But you haven t told me what they 
 said that kept you awake all night." 
 
 My dignity was worth beholding. 
 
 " It was not what they said to me, Countess, but what 
 they left unsaid. I sha n t tell you what they said." 
 
 " I think I can make a pretty good guess " 
 
 " Well, you needn t ! " I cried hastily, but too late. 
 She would out with it. 
 
 " They accuse you of being a sad, sad dog, a foxy 
 
 137
 
 138 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 bachelor, and a devil of a fellow. They all profess to 
 be very much shocked, but they assure you that it s all 
 right, not to mind them. They didn t think you had 
 it in you, and they re glad to see you behaving like a 
 scamp. Oh, I know them!" 
 
 As a matter of fact, she was pretty near to being 
 right. " All the more reason for you to be cautious 
 and circumspect," said I boldly. " Pray think of my 
 position, if not your own." 
 
 She gave me a queer little look and then smiled 
 brightly. (She is lovely !) 
 
 " I ll promise to be good," she said. 
 
 " I only ask you to be careful," said I, blunderingly. 
 She laughed aloud: her merriest, most distracting 
 gurgle. 
 
 " And now will you be good enough to tell me who 
 I am?" she asked, after a few minutes. "That is, 
 who am I supposed to be? " 
 
 " Oh," said I uneasily, " you are really nobody. 
 You are Britton s wife." 
 
 "What! Does Britton know it? " 
 
 " Yes," said I, with a wry smile. " He took a mean 
 advantage of me in the presence of George Hazzard 
 not an hour ago, and asked for a raise in wages on 
 account of his wife s illness. It seems that you are an 
 invalid." 
 
 " I hope he hasn t forgotten the baby in his calcu 
 lations." 
 
 " He hasn t, you may be sure. He has named the 
 baby after me." 
 
 " How original ! " 
 
 " I thought it rather clever to change Rosemary s 
 sex for a few days," said I. " Moreover, it will be 
 necessary for Britton to take Max s place as yur
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 139 
 
 personal servant. He will fetch your meals and " 
 " Oh, I can t agree to that, Mr. Smart," she cried 
 
 with decision. " I must have Max. He is " 
 
 " But Britton must have some sort of a pretext for 
 
 5> 
 
 " Nonsense ! No one cares about Britton and his 
 sick wife. Let well enough alone." 
 
 " I I ll think it over, Countess," said I weakly. 
 
 " And now tell me all about Mr. Pless. How is 
 he looking? Does he appear to be unhappy? " There 
 was a curious note in her voice, as of anxiety or eager 
 ness, it was hard to tell which. In any case, I found 
 myself inwardly resenting her interest in the sneering 
 Hungarian. (I had discovered that he was not an 
 Austrian.) There was a queer sinking sensation in the 
 region of my heart, and a slight chill. Could it be 
 possible that she But no ! It was preposterous ! 
 
 " He appears to be somewhat sentimental and pre 
 occupied. He gazes at the moon and bites his nails." 
 
 "I I wish I could have a peep at him some time 
 without being " 
 
 " For heaven s sake, don t even consider such a 
 thing," I cried in alarm. 
 
 " Just a little peek, Mr. Smart," she pleaded. 
 
 No!" said I firmly. 
 
 " Very well," she said resignedly, fixing me with hurt 
 eyes. " I m sorry to be such a bother to you." 
 
 " I believe you ll go back to him, after all," I said 
 angrily. " Women are all alike. They " 
 
 " Just because I want to see how unhappy he is, and 
 enjoy myself a little, you say horrid things to me," 
 she cried, almost pathetically. " You treat me very 
 badly." 
 
 "There is a great deal at stake," said I. "The
 
 140 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 peril is well, it s enormous. I am having the devil s 
 own time heading off a scheme they ve got for exploring 
 the entire castle. Your hus your ex-husband says 
 he knows of a secret door opening into this part of 
 the " 
 
 She sprang to her feet with a sharp cry of alarm. 
 
 "Heavens! I I forgot about that! There is a 
 secret panel and heaven save us ! it opens directly 
 into my bedroom ! " Her eyes were very wide and full 
 of consternation. She gripped my arm. " Come ! 
 Be quick! We must pile something heavy against it, 
 or nail it up, or do something." 
 
 She fairly dragged me out into the corridor, and 
 then, picking up her dainty skirts, pattered down the 
 rickety stairs at so swift a pace that I had some diffi 
 culty in keeping her pink figure in sight. Why is it 
 that a woman can go downstairs so much faster than a 
 man? I ve never been able to explain it. She didn t 
 stumble once, or miss a step, while I did all manner of 
 clumsy things, and once came near to pitching head 
 long to the bottom. We went down and down and 
 round and round so endlessly that I was not only gasp 
 ing but reeling. 
 
 At last we came to the broad hall at the top of the 
 main staircase. Almost directly in front of us loomed 
 the great padlocked doors leading to the other wing. 
 Passing them like the wind she led the way to the far 
 thermost end of the hall. Light from the big, pane- 
 less windows overlooking the river, came streaming into 
 the vast corridor, and I could see doors ahead to the 
 right and the left of us. 
 
 " Your bedroom ? " I managed to gasp, uttering a 
 belated question that should have been asked five or 
 six flights higher up at a time when I was better quali-
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 141 
 
 fled to voice it. " What the dickens is it doing down 
 here? " 
 
 She did not reply, but, turning to the left, threw 
 open a door and disappeared into the room beyond. 
 I followed ruthlessly, but stopped just over the thres 
 hold to catch my breath in astonishment. 
 
 I was in " my lady s bed-chamber." 
 
 The immense Gothic bed stood on its dais, imposing 
 in its isolation. Three 6r four very modern innova 
 tion trunks loomed like minarets against the opposite 
 walls, half-open ; one s imagination might have been 
 excused if it conjured up sentries who stood ready to 
 pop out of the trunks to scare one half to death. Some 
 of my most precious rugs adorned the floor, but the 
 windows were absolutely undraped. There were a few 
 old chairs scattered about, but no other article of furni 
 ture except an improvised wash-stand, and a clumsy, 
 portable tin bath-tub which leaned nonchalantly 
 against the foot of the bed. There were great mir 
 rors, in the wall at one end of the room, cracked and 
 scaly it is true, but capable of reflecting one s pres 
 ence. 
 
 " Don t stand there gaping," she cried in a shrill 
 whisper, starting across the room only to turn aside 
 with a sharp exclamation. " That stupid Helene ! " 
 she cried, flushing warmly. Catching up a heap of 
 tumbled garments, mostly white, from a chair, she 
 recklessly hurled them behind the bed. " This is the 
 mirror the middle one. It opens by means of a 
 spring. There is a small hole in the wall behind it 
 and then there is still another secret door beyond that, 
 a thick iron one with the sixth Baron Rothhoefen s 
 portrait on the outer side of it. The canvas swings 
 open. We must "
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I was beginning to get my bearings. 
 
 "The sixth baron? Old Ludwig the Red?" 
 
 "The very one." 
 
 " Then, by Jove, he is in my study ! You idon t 
 mean to say " 
 
 " Please don t stop to talk," she cried impatiently, 
 looking about in a distracted manner, " but for good 
 ness sake get something to put against this mirror." 
 
 My mind worked rapidly. The only object in the 
 room heavy enough to serve as a barricade was the 
 bed, and it was too heavy for me to move, I feared. I 
 suggested it, of course, involuntarily lowering my 
 voice to a conspiratorial whisper. 
 
 " Pull it over, quick ! " she commanded promptly. 
 
 " Perhaps I d better run out and get Max and 
 Ru " 
 
 " If my hus if Mr. Pless should open that secret 
 door from the other side, Mr. Smart, it will be very 
 embarrassing for you and me, let " 
 
 I put my shoulder to the huge creaky bed and 
 shoved. There were no castors. It did not budge. 
 The Countess assisted me by putting the tips of her 
 small fingers against one end of it and pushing. It 
 was not what one would call a frantic effort on her part, 
 but it served to make me exert myself to the utmost. 
 I, a big strong man, couldn t afford to have a slim 
 countess pushing a bedstead about while I was there 
 to do it for her. 
 
 " Don t do that," I protested. " I can manage it 
 alone, thank you." 
 
 I secured a strong grip on the bottom of the thing 
 and heaved manfully. 
 
 " You might let me help," she cried, firmly grasp 
 ing a side piece with both hands.
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 143 
 
 The bed moved. The veins stood out on my neck 
 and temples. My face must have been quite purple, 
 and it is a hue that I detest. When I was a very 
 small laddie my mother put me forward to be admired 
 in purple velveteen. The horror of it still lingers. 
 
 By means of great straining I got the heavy bed 
 over against the mirror, upsetting the tin bathtub 
 with a crash that under ordinary circumstances would 
 have made my heart stand still but now only tripled 
 its pumping activities. One of the legs was hope 
 lessly splintered in the drop from the raised plat 
 form. 
 
 " There," she said, standing bff to survey our joint 
 achievement, " we ve stopped it up very nicely." She 
 brushed the tips of her fingers daintily. " This after 
 noon you may fetch up a hammer and some nails and 
 fasten the mirror permanently. Then you can move 
 the bed back to its proper place. Goodness ! What 
 a narrow squeak ! " 
 
 " Madam," said I, my hand on my heart but not 
 through gallantry, " that bed stays where it is. Not 
 all the king s horses nor all the king s men can put it 
 back again." 
 
 "Was it so heavy, Mr. Smart?" 
 
 I swallowed very hard. A prophetic crick already 
 had planted itself in my back. " Will you forgive 
 me if I submit that you sleep quite a distance from 
 home? " I remarked with justifiable irony. "Why the 
 deuce don t you stay on the upper floors ? " 
 
 " Because I am mortally afraid," she said, with a 
 little shudder. " You ve no idea how lonely, how 
 spooky it is up there at the dead hour of night. I 
 couldn t sleep. After the third night I had my things 
 moved down here, where I could at least feel that there
 
 144 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 were strong men within you might say arm s length 
 of me. I m I m shockingly timid." 
 
 She smiled; a wavering, pleading little smile that 
 conquered. 
 
 " Of course, I don t mind, Countess," I hastened to 
 say. " Only I thought it would be cosier up there 
 with Rosemary and the two maids for company." 
 
 She leaned a little closer to me. " We all sleep 
 down here," she said confidentially. " We bring Rose 
 mary s little mattress down every night and put it -in 
 the bathtub. It is a very good fit and makes quite 
 a nice cradle for her. Helene and Blake sleep just 
 across the hall and we leave the doors wide open. So, 
 you see, we re not one bit afraid." 
 
 I sat down on the edge of the bed and laughed. 
 
 " This is delicious," I cried, not without compunc 
 tion for I was looking directly into her eager, wistful 
 eyes. A shadow crossed them. " I beg your pardon. 
 I I can t help laughing." 
 
 " Pray do not stop laughing on my account," she 
 said icily. " I am used to being laughed at since I left 
 America. They laugh at all of us over here." 
 
 " I dare say they laugh at me, confound them," said 
 I, lugubriously. 
 
 " They do," said she flatly. Before I could quite 
 recover from this sentient dig, she was ordering me 
 to put the bathtub where it belonged. This task com 
 pleted, I looked up. She was standing near the head 
 of the bed, with a revolver in her hand. I stared. " I 
 keep it under my pillow, Mr. Smart," she said nerv 
 ously. I said nothing, and she replaced it under the 
 piljow, handling the deadly weapon as gingerly as if it 
 were the frailest glass. " Of course I couldn t hit 
 anything with it, and I know I should scream when it
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 145 
 
 went off, but still accidents will happen, you know." 
 
 " Um ! " said I, judicially. " And so my study is 
 just beyond this mirror, eh? May I enquire how you 
 happen to know that I have my study there ? " 
 
 " Oh, I peeked in the other day," she said, serene 
 once more. 
 
 " The deuce you did ! " 
 
 " I was quite sure that you were out," she explained. 
 " I opened Iudwig the Red an inch or two, that s all. 
 You are quite cosy in there, aren t you? I envy you 
 the grand old chaise longe." 
 
 I wavered, but succeeded in subduing the impulse. 
 " It is the only comfortable piece of furniture I have 
 left in my apartments," said I, with convincing can 
 dour. 
 
 " You poor man," she said, with her rarest smile. 
 " How fortunate you are that I did not remember the 
 chaise longe. You would have been deprived of it, I 
 am quite sure. Of course I couldn t think of robbing 
 you of it now." 
 
 " As a matter of fact, I never lie in it," I said, sub 
 mitting to a once conquered impulse. " If you d really 
 like to have it, I ll see that it is taken up to your rooms 
 at once." 
 
 " Thank you," she said, shaking her head. " It s 
 kind of you, but I am not so selfish as all that, believe 
 me." 
 
 " It is quite in the way, Countess." 
 
 " Some one would be sure to miss it if you sent it 
 up now," she said reflectively. 
 
 " We ll wait till they re all gone," said I. 
 
 She smiled and the bargain was settled without a 
 word from her. You ve heard of men being wrapped 
 about little fingers, haven t you? Well, there you are.
 
 146 r A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 We returned to the corridor. She closed the door 
 softly, a mockery in view of the clatter I had made in 
 shifting the bed and its impediments. 
 
 " We can t be too careful," she said in a whisper* 
 She might have spoken through a megaphone and still 
 been quite safe. We were tramping up the stairs. 
 " Don t you think your guests will consider you rather 
 inhospitable if you stay away from them all morn- 
 ing?" 
 
 I stopped short. " By Jove, now that you remind 
 me of it, I promised to take them all out for a spin in 
 the motor boat before luncheon. Hazzard has had his 
 boat sent down." 
 
 She looked positively unhappy. " Oh, how I should 
 love to get out for a spin on the river! I wonder if 
 I ll ever be free to enjoy the things I like most of " 
 
 " Listen ! " I whispered suddenly, grasping her arm. 
 " Did you hear footsteps in the Sh ! " 
 
 Some one was walking over the stone floor in the 
 lower hall, brisk strides that rang out quite clearly as 
 they drew nearer. 
 
 " It is it is Mr. Pless," she whispered in a panic. 
 " I recognise his tread. As if I could ever forget it ! 
 Oh, how I hate him ! He " 
 
 " Don t stop here to tell me about it," I cut in 
 sharply. " Make haste ! Get up to your rooms and 
 lock yourself in. I ll I ll stop him. How the deuce 
 did he get into this side of the " 
 
 " Through tHe dungeons. There is a passage," she 
 whispered, and then she was gone, flying noiselessly up 
 the narrow stairway. 
 
 Assuming a nonchalance I certainly did not feel, I 
 descended the stairs. We met in the broad hallway 
 below. Mr. Pless approached slowly, evidently having
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 147 
 
 checked his sgeed on hearing my footsteps on the stairs. 
 
 " Hello," I said agreeably. " How did you get in? " 
 
 He surveyed me coolly. " I know the castle from 
 top to bottom, Mr. Smart. To be perfectly frank 
 with you,- 1 tried the secret panel in your study but 
 found the opposite door blocked. You have no oti- 
 jection, I trust, to my looking over the castle? It is 
 like home to me." 
 
 My plan was to detain him in conversation until she 
 had time to secrete herself on the upper floor. Some 
 how I anticipated the banging of a door, and it came 
 a moment later not loud but very convicting, just 
 the same. He glanced at me curiously. 
 
 " Then how did you get in? " I repeated, cringing 
 perceptibly in response to the slam of the distant door. 
 
 " By the same means, I daresay, that you employ," 
 said he. 
 
 For a moment I was confounded. Then my wits 
 came to the rescue. 
 
 " I see. Through the dungeon. You do know the 
 castle well, Mr. Pless." 
 
 " It is a cobwebby, unlovely passage," said he, brush 
 ing the dirt and cobwebs from his trousers. My own 
 appearance was conspicuously immaculate, but I 
 brushed in unison, just the same. 
 
 " Grewsome," said I. 
 
 He was regarding me with a curious smile in his eyes, 
 a pleasantly bantering smile that had but one meaning. 
 Casting an eye upwards, he allowed his smile to spread. 
 
 " Perhaps you d rather I didn t disturb Mrs. 
 Mrs." 
 
 " Britton," said I. " My valet s wife. I don t be 
 lieve you will disturb her. She s on the top floor, I 
 thimk."
 
 148 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 He still smiled. " A little remote from Britton, 
 isn t she?" 
 
 I think I glared. What right had he to meddle in 
 Britton s affairs? 
 
 " I am afraid your fancy draws a rather long bow, 
 Mr. Pless," said I, coldly. 
 
 He was at once apologetic. " If I offend, Mr. 
 Smart, pray forgive me. You are quite justified in 
 rebuking me. Shall we return to our own ladies ? " 
 
 Nothing could have been more adroit than the way 
 he accused me in that concluding sentence. It was the 
 quintessence of irony. 
 
 " I d like to have your opinion as to the best way 
 of restoring or repairing those mural paintings in the 
 dome of the east hall," I said, detaining him. It was 
 necessary for me to have a good excuse for rummaging 
 about in the unused part of the castle. " It seems too 
 bad to let those wonderful paintings go to ruin. They 
 are hanging down in some places, and are badly cracked 
 in others. I ve been worrying about them ever since 
 I came into possession. For instance, that Murillo 
 in the centre. It must be preserved." 
 
 He gave me another queer look, and I congratulated 
 myself on the success of my strategy. 
 
 He took it all in. The mocking light died out in 
 his eyes, and he at once became intensely interested 
 in my heaven-sent project. For fifteen or twenty min 
 utes we discussed the dilapidated frescoes and he gave 
 me the soundest sort of advice, based on a knowledge 
 and experience that surprised me more than a little. 
 He was thoroughly up in matters of art. His own 
 chateau near Buda Pesth, he informed me, had only 
 recently undergone complete restoration in every par 
 ticular. A great deal of money had been required,
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 149 
 
 but the expenditures had been justified by the results. 
 
 Paintings like these had been restored to their origi 
 nal glory, and so on and so forth. He offered to give 
 me the address of the men in Munich who had per 
 formed such wonders for him, and suggested rather 
 timidly that he might be of considerable assistance to 
 me in outlining a system of improvements. I could 
 not help being impressed. His manner was most agree 
 able. When he smiled without malice, his dark eyes 
 were very boyish. One could then forget the hard 
 lines of dissipation in his face, and the domineering, 
 discontented expression which gave to him the aspect 
 of a far greater age than he had yet attained. A note 
 of eager enthusiasm in his voice proved beyond cavil 
 that if this sprig of nobility had had half a chance in 
 the beginning he might have been nobler than be was 
 to-day. But underneath the fascinating charm of 
 manner, back of the old world courtliness, there lurked 
 the ever dominant signs of intolerance, selfishness and 
 even cruelty. He was mean to the core. He had 
 never heard of the milk of human kindness, much less 
 tasted of it. 
 
 There was no getting away from the fact that he 
 despised me for no other reason than that I was an 
 American. I could not help feeling the derision in 
 which he held not only me but the Hazzards and the 
 Smiths as well. He looked upon all of us as coming 
 from an inferior race, to be tolerated only as passers- 
 by and by no means worthy of his august consideration. 
 We were not of his world and never could be. 
 
 Ignoble to him, indeed, must have been the wife who 
 came with the vulgar though welcome dollars and an 
 ambition to be kis equal and the sharer of his heaven- 
 born glory ! He oould not eren pity her !
 
 150 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 While he was discoursing so amiably upon the sub 
 jects he knew so well by means of an inherited intel 
 ligence that came down through generations, I allowed 
 my thoughts to drift upstairs to that frightened, 
 hunted little fellow-countrywoman of mine, as intoler 
 ant, as vain perhaps as he after a fashion, and cursed 
 the infernal custom that lays our pride so low. In 
 finitely nobler than he and yet an object of scorn to 
 him and all his people, great and small; a discredited 
 interloper who could not deceive the lowliest menial 
 in her own household into regarding her as anything 
 but an imitation. Her loveliness counted for naught. 
 Her wit, her charm, her purity of heart counted for 
 even less than that. She was a thing that had been 
 bartered for and could be cast aside without loss 
 a pawn. And she had committed the inconceivable sin 
 of rebelling against the laws of commerce: she had 
 defaulted! They would not forgive her for that. 
 
 My heart warmed toward her. She had been afraid 
 of the dark! I can forgive a great deal in a person 
 who is afraid of the dark. 
 
 I looked at my watch. Assuming a careless man 
 ner, I remarked: 
 
 * I am afraid we shall be late for the start. Are 
 you going out with us in the boat or would you prefer 
 to browse about a little longer? Will you excuse me? 
 I must be off." 
 
 His cynical smile returned. " I shall forego the 
 pleasure of browsing in another man s pasture, if you 
 don t mind." 
 
 It was almost a direct accusation. He did not be 
 lieve a word of the Britton story. I suddenly found 
 myself wondering if he suspected the truth. Had he, 
 by any chance, traced the fugitive cwuntess to my 

 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 151 
 
 doors? Were his spies hot upon the trail? Or had 
 she betrayed herself by indiscreet acts during the past 
 twenty-four hours? The latter was not unlikely; I 
 knew her whims and her faults by this time. In either 
 case, I had come to feel decidedly uncomfortable, so 
 much so, in fact, that I was content to let the innuendo 
 pass without a retort. It behooved me to keep my 
 temper as well as my wits. 
 
 " Come along," said I, starting off in the direction 
 of the lower regions. He followed. I manoeuvred 
 with suck success that ultimately he took the lead. I 
 hadn t the remotest idea how to get to the confounded 
 dungeons ! 
 
 It never rains but it pours. Just as we were descend 
 ing the last flight of stairs before coming to the wind 
 ing stone steps that led far down into the earth, who 
 but Britton should come blithely up from the posterior 
 regions devoted to servants and their ilk. He was 
 carrying a long pasteboard box. I said something 
 impressive under my breath. Britton, on seeing us, 
 stopped short in his tracks. He put the box behind 
 his back and gazed at me forlornly. 
 
 " Ah, Britton," said I, recovering myself most creid- 
 itably ; " going up to see little John Bellamy, I sup 
 pose." 
 
 I managed to shoot a covert look at Mr. Pless. He 
 was gazing at the half-hidden box with a perfectly 
 impassive face, and yet I knew that there was a smile 
 about him somewhere. 
 
 The miserable box contained roses, I knew, because 
 I had ordered them for Rosemary. 
 
 " Yes, sir," said my valet, quite rigid with uncer 
 tainty, " in a way, sir." A bright look flashed into 
 his face. " I m taking up the wash, Mr. Smart. From
 
 152 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 the laundry over in the town, sir. It is somethink 
 dreadful the way they mangle things, sir. Especially 
 lady s garments. Thank you, sir." 
 
 He stood aside to let us pass, the box pinned be 
 tween him and the wall. Never in my life have I known 
 roses with a more pungent and penetrating odour! 
 Britton seemed to fairly reek with it. 
 
 " I like the perfumes the women are using nowa 
 days," said Mr. Pless affably, as we felt our way down 
 the steps. 
 
 " Attar of roses," said I, sniffing. 
 
 "Umph!" said he. 
 
 It was quite dark and very damp in the underground 
 passages. I had the curious sensation of lizards wrig 
 gling all about me in the sinister shadows. Then and 
 there I resolved that the doors of this pestilential 
 prison should be locked and double locked and never 
 opened again, while I was master of the place. 
 
 Moreover, old man Schmick was down for a bad half- 
 hour with me. How came these doors to be unlocked 
 when the whole place was supposed to be as tight as a 
 drum? If nothing else sufficed, the two prodigious 
 Schmicks would be required to stand guard, day and 
 night, with bludgeons if needs be. I intended to keep 
 snooping busybodies out of that side of the castle if 
 I had to nail up every door in the place, even at the 
 risk of starving those whom I would defend. 
 
 Especially was I firm in my resolve to keep the med 
 dling ex-husband in his proper place. Granted that 
 he suspected me of a secret amour, what right had he 
 to concern himself about it? None whatever. I was 
 not the first baron to hold a fair prisoner within these 
 powerful walls, and I meant to stand upon my dignity 
 and my rights, as every man should who But, great
 
 I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY 153 
 
 heaven, what an imbecile view to take of the matter! 
 Truly my brain was playing silly tricks for me as I 
 stumbled through the murky corridors. I had my 
 imagination in a pretty fair state of subjection by the 
 time we emerged from the dungeons, and started up the 
 steps. Facts were facts, and I would have to stick 
 to them. That is why I bethought myself to utter 
 this sage observation: 
 
 " Britton is a faithful, obliging fellow, Mr. Pless. 
 It isn t every Englishman who will gracefully submit 
 to being chucked out of comfortable quarters to make 
 room for others. We re a bit crowded, you know. 
 He gave up his room like a gentleman and moved over 
 temporarily into the other wing. He was afraid, don t 
 you see, that the baby might disturb my guests. A 
 very thoughtful, dependable fellow." 
 
 " Yes," said he, " a very dependable fellow, Mr. 
 Smart. My own man is much the same sort of a chap. 
 He also is married." Did I imagine that he chuckled? 
 
 Half an hour later when I rejoined my guests after 
 a session with Conrad Schmick, I was somewhat an 
 noyed by the dig George Hazzard planted in my de 
 voted ribs, and the furtive wink he gave me. The two 
 ladies were regarding me with expressions that seemed 
 pretty well divided between disapproval and mirth. 
 The baron, whose amicable relations with Mr. Pless 
 evidently had been restored, was grinning broadly at 
 me. 
 
 And the Countess imperiously had directed me to 
 supply her with all the scandal of the hour!
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 
 
 I SOMETIMES wonder what would happen if I really had 
 a mind of my own. Would I be content to exercise it 
 capably? Would I cease to be putty in the hands of 
 other people? I doubt it. Even a strong, obdurate 
 mind is liable to connect with conditions that render 
 it weak and pliable for the simple reason that it is 
 sometimes easier to put up with a thing than to try to 
 put it down. An exacting, arbitrary mind perhaps 
 might evolve a set of resolutions that even the most 
 intolerant would hesitate to violate, but for an easy 
 going, trouble-dodging brain like my own there is no 
 such thing as tenacity of purpose, unless it be in the 
 direction of an obfuscated tendency to maintain its 
 own pitiful equilibrium. I try to keep an even ballast 
 in my dome of thought and to steer straight through 
 the sea of circumstance, a very difficult undertaking 
 and sometimes hazardous. 
 
 A man with a firm, resolute grip on himself would 
 have checked Mr. Pless and Baron Umovitch at the 
 outset of their campaign to acquire undisputed pos 
 session of all the comforts and conveniences that the 
 castle afforded. 
 
 He would have said no to their demands that all 
 work about the place should be regulated according to 
 their own life-long habits, which, among other things, 
 included lying in bed till noon, going back to bed at 
 three for a quiet nap, and staying up all night so that 
 they might be adequately worn out by the time they 
 
 went to bed in the first place. 
 
 154
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 155 
 
 I mention this as a single instance of their power 
 to over-ride me. It got to be so that when a car 
 penter wanted to drive a nail he had to substitute a 
 screw and use a screw-driver, a noiseless process but 
 an insufferable waste of time and money. Lathers 
 worked four days on a job that should have been ac 
 complished in as many hours. Can you imagine these 
 expert, able-bodied men putting laths on a wall with 
 screw-drivers ? 
 
 When Elsie Hazzard, painfully aware of my annoy 
 ance, asked the two noblemen why on earth they 
 couldn t get up for breakfast, they coldly informed 
 her that they were civilised human beings and not 
 larks. 
 
 They used my study for purposes of their own, and 
 glared at me when I presumed to intrude upon their 
 privacy. Mr. Pless took possession of this room, and 
 here received all sorts of secret operatives engaged in 
 the task of unearthing the former Mrs. Pless. Here 
 he had as many as fifteen reports a day by messenger 
 from all parts of the land and here he discussed every 
 new feature of the chase as it presented itself, coolly 
 barring me out of my sanctum sanctorum with the im 
 passive command to knock before attempting to enter. 
 
 In spite of their acrimonious tilts over the card 
 table, he and the baron were as thick as could be when 
 it came to the question of the derelict countess. They 
 maintained the strictest privacy and resented even the 
 polite interest of their four American friends. 
 
 Finding Mr. Poopendyke at work over some typing 
 one day, Mr. Pless peremptorily ordered him out of 
 the study and subsequently complained to me about 
 the infernal racket the fellow made with his typewriter. 
 Just as I was on the point of telling him to go to the
 
 156 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 devil, he smilingly called my attention to a complete 
 plan for the restoration of the two great halls as he 
 had worked it out on paper. He had also written a 
 personal letter, commanding the Munich firm to send 
 their most competent expert to Schloss Rothhoefen 
 without delay, to go over the plans with him. As I 
 recall it, he merely referred to me as a rich American 
 who needed advice. 
 
 They cursed my servants, drank my wines, com 
 plained of the food, and had everybody about the 
 place doing errands for them. My butler and foot 
 man threatened to leave if they were compelled to con 
 tinue to serve drinks until four in the morning; but 
 were somewhat appeased when I raised their wages. 
 Britton surreptitiously thrashed the French valet, and 
 then had to serve Mr. Pless (to my despair) for two 
 days while Fra^ois took his time recovering. 
 
 The motor boat was operated as a ferry after the 
 third day, hustling detectives, lawyers, messengers and 
 newspaper correspondents back and forth across the 
 much be-sung Danube. Time and again I shivered in 
 my boots when these sly-faced detectives appeared and 
 made their reports behind closed doors. When would 
 they strike the trail? 
 
 To my surprise the Hazzards and the Smiths were 
 as much in the dark as I concerning development in the 
 great kidnapping case. The wily Mr. Pless suddenly 
 ceased delivering his confidences to outsiders. Evi 
 dently he had been cautioned by those in charge of 
 his affairs. He became as uncommunicative as the 
 Sphinx. 
 
 I had the somewhat valueless satisfaction of know 
 ing a blessed sight more about the matter than he and 
 all of his bloodhounds put together. I could well af-
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 157 
 
 ford to laugh, but under the extremely harassing con 
 ditions it was far from possible for me to get fat. As 
 a matter of fact, it seemed to me that I was growing 
 thinner. Mrs. Betty Billy Smith, toward the end of 
 her visit, dolefully almost tearfully remarked 
 upon my haggard appearance. She was very nice 
 about it, too. I liked her immensely. 
 
 It did not require half an eye to see that she was 
 thoroughly sick of the baron and Mr. Pless. She was 
 really quite uncivil to them toward the end. 
 
 At last there came a day of deliverance. The guests 
 were departing and I can truthfully say that I was 
 speeding them. 
 
 Elsie Hazzard took me off to a remote corner, where 
 a little later on Betty Billy and the two husbands 
 found us. 
 
 "John, will you ever forgive me?" she said very 
 soberly. " I swear to you I hadn t the faintest idea 
 what it" 
 
 " Please, please, Elsie," I broke in warmly ; " don t 
 abuse yourself in my presence. I fully understand 
 everything. At least, nearly everything. What I 
 can t understand, for the life of me, is this : how did you 
 happen to pick up two such consummate bounders as 
 these fellows are ? " 
 
 " Alas, John," said she, shaking her head, " a woman 
 never knows much about a man until she has lived a 
 week in the same house with him. Now you are a per 
 fect angel." 
 
 " You ve always said that," said I. " You did not 
 have to live in the same house with me to find it out, 
 did you? " 
 
 She ignored the question. " I shall never, never 
 forgive myself for this awful week, John. We ve
 
 158 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 talked it all over among ourselves. We are ashamed 
 oh, so terribly ashamed. If you can ever like us 
 again after " 
 
 " Like you ! " I cried, taking her by the shoulders. 
 " Why, Elsie Hazzard, I have never liked you and 
 George half so much as I like you now. You two and 
 the Smiths stand out like Gibraltars in my esteem. 
 I adore all of you. I sha n t be happy again until I 
 know that you four and no more are coming back 
 to Schloss Rothhoefen for an indefinite stay. Good 
 Lord, how happy we shall be ! " 
 
 I said it with a great deal of feeling. The tears 
 rushed into her eyes. 
 
 " You are a dear, John," she sighed. 
 
 "You ll come?" 
 
 " In a minute," said she with vehemence, a genuine 
 American girl once more. 
 
 " Just as soon as these pesky workmen are out of 
 the place, I ll drop you a line," said I, immeasurably 
 exalted. " But I draw the line at noblemen." 
 
 " Don t worry," she said, setting her nice little 
 white teeth. " I draw it too. Never again ! Never! " 
 
 It occurred to me that here was an excellent opening 
 for a bit of missionary work. Very pointedly I said 
 to her : " I fancy you are willing to admit now that 
 she wasn t such a simpleton for leaving him." 
 
 She went so far as to shudder, all the time regarding 
 me with dilated eyes. " I can t imagine anything more 
 dreadful than being that man s wife, John." 
 
 " Then why won t you admit that you are sorry for 
 her? Why won t you be a little just to her? " 
 
 She looked at me sharply. " Do you know her ? " 
 
 " Not by a long shot," I replied hastily, and with 
 considerable truthfulness.
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 159 
 
 " Why are you so keen to have me take sides with 
 her?" 
 
 " Because I did, the instant I saw that infernal 
 cad." 
 
 She pursed her lips. It was hard for her to sur 
 render. 
 
 " Out with it, Elsie," I commanded. " You know 
 you ve been wrong about that poor little girl. I can 
 tell by the look in your eyes that you have switched 
 over completely in the last four days, and so has Betty 
 Billy." 
 
 " I can t forgive her for marrying him in the first 
 place," she said stubbornly. " But I think she was 
 justified in leaving him. As I know him now, I don t 
 see how she endured it as long as she did. Yes, I am 
 sorry for her. She is a dear girl and she has had 
 a a " 
 
 " I ll say it, my dear : a hell of a time." 
 
 "Thank you." 
 
 " And I daresay you now think she did right in 
 taking the child, too," I persisted. 
 
 " I I hope she gets safely away with little Rose 
 mary, back to God s country as we are prone to call 
 it. Oh, by the way, John, I don t see why I should 
 feel bound to keep that wretch s secret any longer. 
 He has treated us like dogs. He doesn t deserve " 
 
 " Hold on ! You re not thinking of telling me his 
 name, are you ? " 
 
 " Don t you want to know it ? Don t you care to 
 hear that you ve been entertaining the most talked of, 
 the most interesting " 
 
 "No, I don t!" 
 
 " Don t you care to hear who it was that he married 
 and how many millions he got from "
 
 160 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 "No, I don t." 
 "And why not?" 
 
 "Well," said I, judicially, "in the first place I like 
 the mystery of it alL In the second place, I don t 
 want to know anything more about tins feOow than I 
 already know. He is enough of a horror to me, as it 
 
 is, God knows, without giving a name to him. I pre 
 fer to think of him as Mr. Pleas. If you don t mind, 
 Elsie, 111 try to eradicate him thoroughly from my 
 system as Fleas before I take him on in any other form 
 of erfl. No, I don t want to know his name at present, 
 nor do I care a hang who it was he married. Sffly 
 notion, I suppose, hat I mean what I say." 
 
 She looked at me in wonder for a moment and then 
 shook her head as if considering me quite hopeless. 
 "You are an odd thing, John. God left something 
 out when He fashioned yon. Fm just dying to tell 
 you all about them, and you won t let me." 
 
 " Is she pretty? " I asked, yielding a little. 
 
 " She is lovely. We ve been really quite hateful 
 about her, Betty and I. Down in our hearts we like 
 her. She was a spoiled child, of coarse, and afi that 
 sort of thing, hot heaven knows she s been pretty 
 thoroughly made over in a new crucible. We used 
 to feel terribly sorry for her, even while we were derid 
 ing her for the fool she had made of herself in marry 
 ing him. I ve seen her hundreds of times driving about 
 alone in Vienna, where they spent two winters, a really 
 pathetic figure, scorned not only by her husband but 
 by every one else. He never was to be seen in pdbfie 
 with her. He made it clear to his world that she was 
 not to be inflicted upon it by any minm ij act of 
 his. She came to see Betty and me occasionally; al 
 ways bright and proud and full of spirit, but we could
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 161 
 
 see the wounds in her poor little heart no matter how 
 hard she tried to hide them. I tell you, John, they 
 like us as women but they despise us as wives. It will 
 always be the same with them. They won t let us 
 into their charmed circle. Thank God, I am married 
 to an American. He must respect me whether he 
 wants to or not." 
 
 " Poor little beggar," said I, without thinking of 
 how it would sound to her ; " she has had her fling, 
 and she has paid well for it." 
 
 " If her stingy old father, who permitted her to 
 get into the scrape, would come up like a man and pay 
 what he ought to pay, there would be no more pother 
 about this business. He hasn t lived up to his bargain. 
 The Mr. Pless has squandered the first million and 
 now he wants the balance due him. A trade s a trade, 
 John. The old man ought to pay up. He went into 
 it with his eyes open, and I haven t an atom of sym 
 pathy for him. You have read that book of Mrs. 
 Burnett s, haven t you? The Shuttle ? Well, 
 there you are. This is but another example of what 
 fools American parents can be when they get bees in 
 their bonnets." 
 
 She seemed to be accusing me ! 
 
 " I hope she gets away safely with the kiddie," said 
 I, non-committally. 
 
 " Heaven knows where she is. Maybe she s as safe 
 as a bug in a rug." 
 
 " I shouldn t be surprised," said I. 
 
 The Billy Smiths and George Hazzard came up at 
 this juncture. Elsie at once proceeded to go into a 
 long series of conjectures as to the probable where 
 abouts of Mr. Pless s former wife and their child. I 
 was immensely gratified to find that they were now
 
 162 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 undivided in their estimate of Mr. Pless and firmly 
 allied on the side of the missing countess. 
 
 I gathered from their remarks that the young 
 woman s mother and brothers were still in Paris, where 
 their every movement was being watched by secret 
 agents. They were awaiting the arrival from New 
 York of the father of the countess, after which they 
 were to come to Vienna for the purpose of making a 
 determined fight for the daughter s absolute freedom 
 and the custody of the child. 
 
 Somehow this news gave me a strange feeling of ap 
 prehension, a sensation that later on was to be amply 
 justified. 
 
 I daresay an historian less punctilious about the 
 truth than I propose to be, would, at this stage of 
 the narrative, insert a whopping lie for the sake of 
 effect, or " action," or " heart interest," as such things 
 are called in the present world of letters. He would 
 enliven his tale by making Mr. Pless do something 
 sensational while he was about it, such as yanking his 
 erstwhile companion out of her place of hiding by the 
 hair of her head, or kicking down all the barricades 
 about the place, or fighting a duel with me, or well, 
 there is no end of things he might do for the sake of a 
 41 situation." But I am a person of veracity and the 
 truth is in me. Mr. Pless did none of these interesting 
 things, so why should I say that he did? 
 
 He went away with the others at half-past eleven, 
 and that was the end of his first visit to my domain. 
 For fear that you, kind reader, may be disappointed, 
 I make haste to assure you that he was to come again. 
 
 Of course there was more or less turmoil and 
 I might say disaffection attending his departure. 
 He raised Cain with my servants because they did this
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 16S 
 
 and that when they shouldn t have done either; he 
 (and the amiable baron) took me to task for having 
 neglected to book compartments for them in the Orient 
 Express ; he insisted upon having a luncheon put up in 
 a tea basket and taken to the railway station by Brit- 
 ton, and he saw to it personally that three or four 
 bottles of my best wine were neatly packed in with the 
 rest. He said three or four, but Britton is firm in 
 his belief that there was nearer a dozen, judging by 
 the weight. 
 
 He also contrived to have Mr. Poopendyke purchase 
 first-class railway tickets for him and the baron, and 
 then forgot to settle for them. It amounted to some 
 thing like four hundred and fifty kronen, if I remember 
 correctly. He took away eleven hundred and sixty- 
 five dollars of my money, besides, genially acquired at 
 roulette, and I dread to think of what he and the baron 
 took out of my four friends at auction bridge. 
 
 I will say this for him: he was the smartest aristo 
 crat I ve ever known. 
 
 Need I add that the Hazzards and the Smiths trav 
 elled second-class? 
 
 " Well, thank the Lord ! " said I, as the ferry 
 put off with the party, leaving me alone on the little 
 landing. The rotten timbers seemed to echo the sen 
 timent. At the top of the steep all the Schmicks were 
 saying it, too; in the butler s pantry it was also being 
 said; a score of workmen were grunting it; and the 
 windlass that drew me up the hill was screaming it in 
 wild, discordant glee. I repeated it once more when 
 Britton returned from town and assured me that they 
 had not missed the train. 
 
 " That s what I d like to say, sir," said he. 
 
 " Well, say it," said I. And he said it so vocif-
 
 164 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 erously that I know it must have been heard in tfie 
 remotest corners of heaven. 
 
 The merry song of the hammer and the sweet rasp 
 of the saw greeted my delighted ear as I entered the 
 castle. Men were singing and whistling for all they 
 were worth ; the air was full of music. It was not un 
 like the grand transformation scene in the pantomime 
 when all that has been gloom and despondency gives 
 way in the flash of an eye to elysian splendour and 
 dazzling gaiety. Pon my soul, I never felt so ex 
 uberant in all my life. The once nerve-racking 
 clangour was like the soothing strains of an invisible 
 orchestra to my delighted senses. Ha! Ha! What 
 a merry old world it is, after all ! 
 
 Nearing my study, I heard an almost forgotten 
 noise: the blithe, incessant crackle of a typewriting 
 machine. Never have I heard one rattle so rapidly or 
 with such utter garrulousness. 
 
 I looked in at the door. Over in his corner by the 
 window Poopendyke was at work, his lanky figure 
 hunched over the key-board, his head enveloped in 
 clouds from a busy pipe, for all the world like a tug 
 boat smothering in its own low-lying smoke. Sheets 
 of paper were strewn about the floor. Even as I stood 
 there hesitating, he came to the end of a sheet and 
 jerked it out of the machine with such a resounding 
 snap that the noise startled me. He was having the 
 time of his life! 
 
 I stole away, unwilling to break in upon this joyful 
 orgy. 
 
 Conrad, grinning from ear to ear, was waiting for 
 me outside my bedroom door late in the day. He sa 
 luted me with unusual cordiality. 
 
 " A note, mein herr," said He, and handed me a
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 165 
 
 dainty little pearl-grey envelope. He waited while I 
 read the missive. 
 
 " I sha n t be home for dinner, Conrad," said I, my 
 eyes aglow. " Tell Hawkes, will you ? " 
 
 He bowed and scraped himself away ; somehow he 
 seemed to have grown younger by decades. It was in 
 the air to be young and care-free. I read the note 
 again and felt almost boyish. Then I went up to my 
 room, got out my gayest raiment without shame or 
 compunction, dressed with especial regard for lively 
 effects, and hied me forth to carry sunshine into the 
 uttermost recesses of my castle. 
 
 The Countess welcomed me with a radiant smile. 
 We shook hands. 
 
 " Well, he has gone," said I, drawing a deep breath. 
 
 " Thank the Lord," said she, and then I knew that 
 the symphony was complete. We all had sung it. 
 
 It must not be supposed for an instant that I had 
 been guilty of neglecting my lovely charge during that 
 season of travail and despair. No, indeed! I had 
 visited her every day as a matter of precaution. She 
 required a certain amount of watching. 
 
 I do not hesitate to say at this time that she seemed 
 to be growing lovelier every day. In a hundred little 
 ways she was changing, not only in appearance but in 
 manner. 
 
 Now, to be perfectly frank about it, I can t explain 
 just what these little changes were that is, not in 
 so many words but they were quite as pronounced 
 as they were subtle. I may risk mentioning an im 
 provement in her method of handling me. She was not 
 taking quite so much for granted as she did at first. 
 She was much more humble and considerate, I remarked ; 
 instead of bullying me into things she now cajoled
 
 166 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 me ; instead of making demands upon my patience and 
 generosity, she rather hesitated about putting me to 
 the least trouble. She wasn t so arrogant, nor so hard 
 to manage. In a nutshell, I may say with some satis 
 faction, she was beginning to show a surprising amount 
 of respect for me and my opinions. Where once she 
 had done as she pleased, she now did so only after 
 asking my advice and permission, both of which I gave 
 freely as a gentleman should. Fundamentally she was 
 all right. It was only in a superficial sort of way that 
 she fell short of being ideal. She really possessed a 
 very sweet, lovely nature. I thought I could see the 
 making of a very fine woman in her. 
 
 I do not say that she was perfect or ever could be, 
 but she might come very close to it if she went on im 
 proving as she did every day. As a matter of fact, I 
 found an immense amount of analytical pleasure in 
 studying the changes that attended the metamorphosis. 
 It seemed to my eager imagination that she was being 
 translated before my eyes; developing into a serious, 
 sensible, unselfish person with a soul preparing to 
 mount higher than self. Her voice seemed to be softer, 
 sweeter; the satirical note had disappeared almost en 
 tirely, and with it went the forced raillery that had been 
 so pronounced at the beginning of our acquaint 
 ance. 
 
 Her devotion to Rosemary was wonderful to see. 
 By the way, while I think of it, the child was quite 
 adorable. She was learning to pronounce my name, 
 and getting nearer and nearer to it every day. At 
 the time of which I now write she was calling me (with 
 great enthusiasm), by the name of "Go-go," which, 
 reduced to aboriginal American, means " Man-with-the- 
 Strong-Arm-Who-Carries-Baby."
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 167 
 
 " It is very nice of you to ask me up to dine with 
 you," said I. 
 
 " Isn t it about time I was doing something for you 
 in return for all that you have done for me ? " she 
 inquired gaily. " We are having a particularly nice 
 dinner this evening, and I thought you d enjoy a 
 change." 
 
 "A change?" said I, with a laugh. "As if we 
 haven t been eating out of the same kettle for days ! " 
 
 " I was not referring to the food," she said, and I 
 was very properly squelched. 
 
 " Nevertheless, speaking of food," said I, " it may 
 interest you to know that I expected to have rather 
 a sumptuous repast of my own to celebrate the deliv 
 erance. A fine plump pheasant, prepared a la Oscar, 
 corn fritters like mother used to make, potatoes 
 picard, " 
 
 " And wonderful alligator pear salad," she in 
 terrupted, her eyes dancing. 
 
 I stared. " How in the world did you guess? " 
 
 She laughed in pure delight, and I began to under 
 stand. By the Lord Harry, the amazing creature was 
 inviting me to eat my own dinner in her salle manger! 
 " Well, may I be hanged ! You do beat the Dutch ! " 
 
 She was wearing a wonderful dinner gown of Irish 
 lace, and she fairly sparkled with diamonds. There was 
 no ornament in her brown hair, however, nor were her 
 little pink ears made hideous by ear-rings. Her face 
 was a jewel sufficient unto itself. I had never seen 
 her in an evening gown before. The effect was really 
 quite ravishing. As I looked at her standing there 
 by the big oak table, I couldn t help thinking that 
 the Count was not only a scoundrel but all kinds 
 of a fool.
 
 168 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " It was necessary for me to bribe all of your serv 
 ants, Mr. Smart," she said. 
 
 " You did not offer the rascals money, I hope," I 
 said in a horrified tone. 
 
 " No, indeed ! " She did not explain any farther 
 than that, but somehow I knew that money isn t every 
 thing to a servant after all. " I hope you don t mind 
 my borrowing your butler and footman for the even 
 ing," she went on. " Not that we really need two to 
 serve two, but it seems so much more like a function, 
 as the newspapers would call it." 
 
 It was my turn to say " No, indeed." 
 
 " And now you must come in and kiss Rosemary 
 good night," she said, glancing at my great Amster 
 dam clock in the corner. 
 
 We went into the nursery. It was past Rosemary s 
 bedtime by nearly an hour and the youngster was hav 
 ing great difficulty in keeping awake. She managed 
 to put her arms around my neck when I took her up 
 from the bed, all tucked away in her warm little nightie, 
 and sleepily presented her own little throat for me to 
 kiss, that particular spot being where the honey came 
 from in her dispensation of sweets. 
 
 I was full of exuberance. An irresistible impulse 
 to do a jig seized upon me. To my own intense amaze 
 ment, and to Blake s horror, I began to dance about 
 the room like a clumsy kangaroo. Rosemary shrieked 
 delightedly into my ear and I danced the harder for 
 that. The Countess, recovering from her surprise, 
 cried out in laughter and began to clap time with her 
 hands. Blake forgot herself and sat down rather 
 heavily on the edge of the bed. I think the poor 
 woman s knees gave way under her. 
 
 " Hurrah ! " I shouted to Rosemary, but looking
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 169 
 
 directly at the Countess. " We re celebrating ! " 
 
 Whereupon the girl that was left in the Countess 
 rose to the occasion and she pirouetted with graceful 
 abandon before me, in amazing contrast to my jump- 
 ing-jack efforts. Only Blake s reserved and somewhat 
 dampening admonition brought me to my senses. 
 
 " Please don t drop the child, Mr. Smart," she said. 
 I had the great satisfaction of hearing Rosemary cry 
 when I delivered her up to Blake and started to slink 
 out of the room in the wake of my warm-cheeked host 
 ess. 
 
 " You would be a wonderful father, sir," said Blake, 
 relenting a little. 
 
 I had the grace to say, " Oh, pshaw ! " and then got 
 out while the illusion was still alive. (As I ve said 
 before, I do not like a crying baby.) 
 
 It was the most wonderful dinner in the world, not 
 withstanding it was served on a kitchen table moved 
 into the living room for the occasion. Imposing 
 candelabra adorned the four corners of the table and 
 the very best plate in the castle was put to use. There 
 were roses in the centre of the board, a huge bowl of 
 short-stemmed Marechal Niel beauties. The Count 
 ess s chair was pulled out by my stately butler, Hawkes ; 
 mine by the almost equally imposing footman, and we 
 faced each other across the bowl of roses and lifted an 
 American cocktail to the health of those who were 
 about to sit down to the feast. I think it was one 
 of the best cocktails I ve ever tasted. The Countess 
 admitted having made it herself, but wasn t quite sure 
 whether she used the right ingredients or the correct 
 proportions. She asked me what I thought of it. 
 
 " It is the best Manhattan I ve ever tasted," said I, 
 warmly.
 
 170 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 Her eyes wavered. Also, I think, her faith in me. 
 " It was meant to be a Martini," she said sorrowfully. 
 
 Then we both sat down. Was it possible that the 
 corners of Hawkes mouth twitched? I don t suppose 
 I shall ever know. 
 
 My sherry was much better than I thought, too. 
 It was deliciously oily. The champagne? But that 
 came later, so why anticipate a joy with realisation 
 staring one in the face? 
 
 We began with a marvellous hors-d oeuvres. Then 
 a clear soup, a fish aspec, a Why rhapsodise? 
 Let it be sufficient if I say that in discussing the Alad 
 din-like feast I secretly and faithfully promised my chef 
 a material increase in wages. I had never suspected 
 him of being such a genius, nor myself of being such 
 a Pantegruelian disciple. I must mention the alli 
 gator pear salad. For three weeks I had been trying 
 to buy alligator pears in the town hard by. These 
 came from Paris. The chef had spoken to me about 
 them that morning, asking me when I had ordered them. 
 Inasmuch as I had not ordered them at all, I couldn t 
 satisfy his curiosity. My first thought was that Elsie 
 Hazzard, remembering my fondness for the vegetable 
 it is a vegetable, isn t it ? had sent off for them in 
 order to surprise me. It seems, however, that Elsie 
 had nothing whatever to do with it. The Countess 
 had ordered them for me through her mother, who was 
 in Paris at the time. Also she had ordered a quantity 
 of Parisian strawberries of the hot-house, one-franc- 
 apiece variety, and a basket of peaches. At the risk 
 of being called penurious, I confess that I was im 
 mensely relieved when I learned that these precious 
 jewels in the shape of fruit had been paid for in ad 
 vance by the opulent mother of the Countess.
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 171 
 
 " Have I told you, Mr. Smart, that I am expecting 
 my mother here to visit me week after next?" 
 
 She tactfully put the question to me at a time when 
 I was so full of contentment that nothing could have 
 depressed me. I must confess, however, that I was 
 guilty of gulping my champagne a little noisily. The 
 question came with the salad course. 
 
 " You don t say so ! " I exclaimed, quite cheerfully. 
 
 " That is to say, she is coming if you think you 
 can manage it quite safely." 
 
 " I manage it ? My dear Countess, why speak of 
 managing a thing that is so obviously to be desired? " 
 
 " You don t understand. Can you smuggle her 
 into the castle without any one knowing a thing about 
 it? You see, she is being watched every minute of the 
 time by detectives, spies, secret agents, lawyers, and 
 Heaven knows who else. The instant she leaves Paris, 
 bang! It will be like the starter s shot in a race. 
 They will be after her like a streak. And if you are 
 not very, very clever they will play hob with every 
 thing." 
 
 " Then why run the risk? " I ventured. 
 
 " My two brothers are coming with her," she said 
 reassuringly. " They are such big, strong fellows 
 that " 
 
 " My dear Countess, it isn t strength we ll need," 
 I deplored. 
 
 " No, no, I quite understand. It is cunning, 
 strategy, caution, and all that sort of thing. But I 
 .will let you know in ample time, so that you may be 
 prepared." 
 
 * Do ! " I said gallantly, trying to be enthusiastic. 
 
 " You are so wonderfully ingenious at working out 
 plots and conspiracies in your books, Mr. Smart, that
 
 172 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I am confident you can manage everything beautifully." 
 
 Blatchford was removing my salad plate. A spasm 
 of alarm came over me. I had quite forgotten the two 
 men. The look of warning I gave her brought forth a 
 merry, amused smile. 
 
 " Don t hesitate to speak before Blatchford and 
 Hawkes," she said, to my astonishment. " They are to 
 be trusted implicitly. Isn t it true, Hawkes ? " 
 
 " It is, Madam," said he. 
 
 " Do you mean to say, Countess, that " 
 
 " It has all been quite satisfactorily attended to 
 through Mr. Poopendyke," she said. " He consulted 
 me before definitely engaging any one, Mr. Smart, and 
 I referred him to my lawyers in Vienna. I do hope 
 Hawkes and Blatchford and Henri, the chef, are quite 
 satisfactory to you. They were recently employed by 
 some one in the British embassy at " 
 
 " Pray rest easy, Countess," I managed to say, in 
 terrupting out of consideration for Hawkes and 
 Blatchford, who, I thought, might feel uncomfortable 
 at hearing themselves discussed so impersonally. 
 " Everything is most satisfactory. I did not realise 
 that I had you to thank for my present mental and 
 gastronomical comfort. You have surrounded me with 
 diadems." 
 
 Hawkes and Blatchford very gravely and in unison 
 said : " Thank you, sir." 
 
 " And now let us talk about something else," she 
 said complacently, as if the project of getting the 
 rest of her family into the castle were already off her 
 mind. " I can t tell you how much I enjoyed your 
 last book, Mr. Smart. It is so exciting. Why do you 
 call it < The Fairest of the Fair ? " 
 
 " Because my publisher insisted on substituting that
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 173 
 
 title for the one I had chosen myself. I ll admit that 
 it doesn t fit the story, my dear Countess, but what 
 is an author to do when his publisher announces that he 
 has a beautiful head of a girl he wants to put on the 
 cover and that the title must fit the cover, so to 
 speak? " 
 
 " But I don t consider it a beautiful head, Mr. 
 Smart. A very flashy blonde with all the earmarks of 
 having posed in the chorus between the days when she 
 posed for your artist. And your heroine has very 
 dark hair in the book. Why did they make her a 
 blonde on the cover? " , 
 
 " Because they didn t happen to have anything but 
 blonde pictures in stock," said I, cheerfully. " A lit 
 tle thing like that doesn t matter, when it comes to 
 literature, my dear Countess. It isn t the hair that 
 counts. It s the hat." 
 
 . " But I should think it would confuse the reader," 
 she insisted. " The last picture in the book has her 
 with inky black hair, while in all the others she is quite 
 blonde." 
 
 " A really intelligent reader doesn t have to be told 
 that the artist changed his model before he got to the 
 last picture," said I, and I am quite confident she 
 didn t hear me grate my teeth. 
 
 " But the critics must have noticed the error and 
 commented upon it." 
 
 " My dear Countess, the critics never see the last 
 picture in a book. They are much too clever for 
 that." 
 
 She pondered. " I suppose they must get horribly 
 sick of all the books they have to read." 
 
 " And they never have a chance to experience the 
 delicious period of convalescence that persons with less
 
 174 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 chronic afflictions have to look forward to," said I, 
 very gently. " They go from one disease to another, 
 poor chaps." 
 
 " I once knew an author at Newport who said he 
 hated every critic on earth," she said. 
 
 " I should think he might," said I, without hesita 
 tion. It was not until the next afternoon that she got 
 the full significance of the remark. 
 
 As I never encourage any one who seeks to discuss 
 my stories with me, being a modest chap with a flaw 
 in my vanity, she abandoned the subject after a few 
 ineffectual attempts to find out how I get my plots, how 
 I write my books, and how I keep from losing my mind. 
 
 " Would you be entertained by a real mystery ? " she 
 asked, leaning toward me with a gleam of excitement in 
 her eyes. Very promptly I said I should be. We were 
 having our coffee. Hawkes and Blatchford had left 
 the room. " Well, tradition says that one of the old 
 barons buried a vast treasure in the cellar of this " 
 
 " Stop ! " I commanded, shaking my head. " Haven t 
 I just said that I don t want to talk about literature? 
 Buried treasure is the very worst form of literature." 
 
 " Very well," she said indignantly. " You will be 
 sorry when you hear I ve dug it up and made off with 
 it." 
 
 I pricked up my ears. This made a difference. 
 " Are you going to hunt for it yourself? " 
 
 " I am," she said resolutely. 
 
 " In those dark, dank, grewsome cellars? " 
 
 " Certainly." 
 
 "Alone?" 
 
 " If necessary," she said, looking at me over the 
 edge of the coffee cup. 
 
 " Tell me all about it," said I.
 
 I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER 175 
 
 " Oh, we sha n t find it, of course," said she calmly. 
 I made note of the pronoun. " They ve been searching 
 for it for two centuries without success. My that 
 is, Mr. Pless has spent days down there. He is very 
 hard-up, you know. It would come in very handy for 
 him." 
 
 I glowered. " I m glad he s gone. I don t like the 
 idea of his looking for treasures in my castle." 
 
 She gave me a smile for that.
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 
 
 THAT night I dreamed of going down, down, down into 
 the bowels of the earth after buried treasure, and 
 finding at the end of my hours of travel the countess s 
 mother sitting in bleak splendour on a chest of gold with 
 her feet drawn up and surrounded by an audience of 
 spiders. 
 
 For an hour or more after leaving the enchanted 
 roo.ms near the roof, I lounged in my study, persist 
 ently attentive to the portrait of Ludwig the Red, with 
 my ears straining for sounds from the other side of the 
 secret panels. Alas ! those panels were many cubits 
 thick and as staunch as the sides of a battleship. 
 But there was a vast satisfaction in knowing that she 
 was there, asleep perhaps, with her brown head pillowed 
 close to the wall but little more than an arm s length 
 from the crimson waistcoat of Ludwig the Red, for 
 he sat rather low like a Chinese god and supported his 
 waistcoat with his knees. A gross, forbidding chap 
 was he ! The story was told of him that he could quaff 
 a flagon of ale at a single gulp. Looking at his por 
 trait, one could not help thinking what a pitifully in 
 finitesimal thing a flagon of ale is after all. 
 
 Morning came and with it a sullen determination to 
 get down to work on my long neglected novel. I went 
 down to breakfast. Everything about the place looked 
 bleak and dreary and as grey as a granite tombstone. 
 Hawkes, who but twelve hours before had seemed the 
 embodiment of life in its most resilient form, now ap- 
 
 176
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 177 
 
 peared as a drab nemesis with wooden legs and a frozen 
 leer. My coffee was bitter, the peaches were like 
 sponges, the bacon and rolls of uniform sogginess and 
 the eggs of a strange liverish hue. I sat there alone, 
 gloomy and depressed, contrasting the hateful sunshine 
 with the soft, witching refulgence of twenty-four 
 candles and the light that lies in a woman s eyes. 
 
 " A fine morning, sir," said Hawkes in a voice 
 that seemed to come from the grave. It was the first 
 time I had ever heard him speak so dolorously of 
 the morning. Ordinarily he was a pleasant voiced 
 fellow. 
 
 " Is it? " said I, and my voice sounded gloomier than 
 his. I was not sure of it, but it seemed to me that he 
 made a movement with his hand as if about to put it to 
 his lips. Seeing that I was regarding him rather 
 fixedly, he allowed it to remain suspended a little above 
 his hip, quite on a line with the other one. His elbows 
 were crooked at the proper angle I noticed, so I must 
 have been doing him an injustice. He couldn t have 
 had anything disrespectful in mind. 
 
 " Send Mr. Poopendyke to me, Hawkes, immediately 
 after I ve finished my breakfast." 
 
 " Very good, sir. Oh, I beg pardon, sir. I am for 
 getting, Mr. Poopendyke is out. He asked me to tell 
 you he wouldn t return before eleven." 
 
 " Out? What business has he to be out? " 
 
 " Well, sir, I mean to say, he s not precisely out, and 
 he isn t just what one would call in. He is up in the 
 ahem ! the east wing, sir, taking down some cor- 
 respondence for the for the lady, sir." 
 
 I arose to the occasion. " Quite so, quite so. I had 
 forgotten the appointment." 
 
 " Yes, sir, I thought you had."
 
 178 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Ahem ! I daresay Britton will do quite as well. 
 Tell him to " 
 
 " Britton, sir, has gone over to the city for the news 
 papers. You forget that he goes every morning as 
 soon as he has had his " 
 
 "Yes, yes! Certainly," I said hastily. "The 
 papers. Ha, ha! Quite right." 
 
 It was news to me, but it wouldn t do to let him know 
 it. The countess read the papers, I did not. I stead 
 fastly persisted in ignoring the Paris edition of the New 
 York Herald for fear that the delightful mystery might 
 disintegrate, so to speak, before my eyes, or become the 
 commonplace scandal that all the world was enjoying. 
 As it stood now, I had it all to myself that is to say, 
 the mystery. Mr. Poopendyke reads aloud the base 
 ball scores to me, and nothing else. 
 
 It was nearly twelve when my secretary reported to 
 me on this particular morning, and he seemed a trifle 
 hazy as to the results of the games. After he had 
 mumbled something about rain or wet grounds, I coldly 
 enquired : 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke, are you employed by me or by 
 that woman upstairs? " I would never have spoken of 
 her as " that woman," believe me, if I had not been in a 
 state of irritation. 
 
 He looked positively stunned. " Sir ? " he gasped. 
 
 I did not repeat the question, but managed to demand 
 rather fiercely: " Are you? " 
 
 " The countess had got dreadfully behind with her 
 work, sir, and I thought you wouldn t mind if I helped 
 her out a bit," he explained nervously. 
 
 "Work? What work?" 
 
 " Her diary, sir. She is keeping a diary." 
 
 "Indeed!"
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 179 
 
 " It is very interesting, Mr. Smart. Rather beats 
 any novel I ve read lately. We we ve brought it 
 quite up to date. I wrote at least three pages about 
 the dinner last night. If I am to believe what she puts 
 into her diary, it must have been a delightful occasion, 
 as the newspapers would say." 
 
 I was somewhat mollified. " What did she have to 
 say about it, Fred ? " I asked. It always pleased him 
 to be called Fred. 
 
 " That would be betraying a confidence," said he. 
 " I will say this much, however : I think I wrote your 
 name fifty times or more in connection with it." 
 
 "Rubbish!" said I. 
 
 " Not at all ! " said he, with agreeable spirit. 
 
 A sudden chill came over me. " She isn t figuring 
 on having it published, is she? " 
 
 " I can t say as to that," was his disquieting reply. 
 " It wasn t any of my business, so I didn t ask." 
 
 " Oh," said I, " I see." 
 
 " I think it is safe to assume, however, that it is not 
 meant for publication," said he. " It strikes me as 
 being a bi too personal. There are parts of it that 
 I don t believe she d dare to put into print, although 
 she reeled them off to me without so much as a blush. 
 Ton my soul, Mr. Smart, I never was so embarrassed 
 in my life. She " 
 
 " Never mind," I interrupted hastily. " Don t tell 
 tales out of school." 
 
 He was silent for a moment, fingering his big eye 
 glasses nervously. " It may please you to know that 
 she thinks you are an exceedingly nice man." 
 
 " No, it doesn t ! " I roared irascibly. " I m damned 
 if I like being called an exceedingly nice man." 
 
 " They were my words, sir, not hers," he explained
 
 180 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 desperately. " I was merely putting two and two 
 together forming an opinion from her manner not 
 from her words. She is very particular to mention 
 everything you do for her, and thanks me if I call her 
 attention to anything she may have forgotten. She 
 certainly appreciates your kindness to the baby." 
 
 " That is extremely gratifying," said I acidly. 
 
 He hesitated once more. " Of course, you under 
 stand that the divorce itself is absolute. It s only the 
 matter of the child that remains unsettled. The " 
 
 I fairly barked at him. " What the devil do you 
 mean by that, sir? What has the divorce got to do 
 with it?" 
 
 " A great deal, I should say," said he, with the rare, 
 almost superhuman patience that has made him so 
 valuable to me. 
 
 " Upon my soul ! " was all that I could say. 
 
 Hawkes rapped on the door luckily at that instant. 
 
 " The men from the telephone company are here, 
 sir, and the electricians. Where are they to begin, 
 sir?" 
 
 " Tell them to wait," said I. Then I hurried to the 
 top of the east wing to ask if she had the least ob 
 jection to an extension phone being placed in my study. 
 She thought it would be very nice, so I returned with 
 instructions for the men to put in three instruments : 
 one in her room, one in mine, and one in the butler s 
 pantry. It seemed a very jolly arrangement all 
 round. As for the electric bell system, it would speak 
 for itself. 
 
 Toward the middle of the afternoon when Mr. Poo- 
 pendyke and I were hard at work on my synopsis we 
 were startled by a dull, mysterious pounding on the 
 wall hard by. We paused to listen. It was quite
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 181 
 
 impossible to locate the sound, which ceased almost im 
 mediately. Our first thought was that the telephone 
 men were drilling a hole through the wall into my study. 
 Then came the sharp rat-a-ta-tat once more. Even as 
 we looked about us in bewilderment, the portly fa9ade 
 of Ludwig the Red moved out of alignment with a 
 heart-rending squeak and a long thin streak of black 
 appeared at the inner edge of the frame, growing wider, 
 and blacker if anything, before our startled eyes. 
 
 " Are you at home ? " inquired a voice that couldn t 
 by any means have emanated from the chest of Ludwig, 
 even in his mellowest hours. 
 
 I leaped to my feet and started across the room with 
 great strides. My secretary s eyes were glued to the 
 magic portrait. His fingers, looking like claws, hung 
 suspended over the keyboard of the typewriter. 
 
 " By the Lord Harry ! " I cried. " Yes ! " 
 
 The secret door swung quietly open, laying Ludwig s 
 face to the wall, and in the aperture stood my amazing 
 neighbour, as lovely a portrait as you d see in a year s 
 trip through all the galleries in the world. She was 
 smiling down upon us from the slightly elevated posi 
 tion, a charming figure in the very latest Parisian hat 
 and gown. Something grey and black and exceedingly 
 chic, I remember saying to Poopendyke afterwards in 
 response to a question of his. 
 
 " I am out making afternoon calls," said she. Her 
 face was flushed with excitement and self-consciousness. 
 " Will you please put a chair here so that I may hop 
 down?" 
 
 For answer, I reached up a pair of valiant arms. 
 She laughed, leaned forward and placed her hands on 
 my shoulders. My hands found her waist and I lifted 
 her gently, gracefully to the floor.
 
 182 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " How strong you are ! " she said admiringly. " How 
 do you do, Mr. Poopendyke! Dear me! I am not a 
 ghost, sir ! " 
 
 His fingers (dropped to the keyboard. " How do 
 you do," he jerked out. Then he felt of his heart. 
 " My God ! I don t believe it s going." 
 
 Together we inspected the secret doors, going so far 
 as to enter the room beyond, the Countess peering 
 through after us from my study. To my amazement 
 the room was absolutely bare. Bed, trunks, garments, 
 chairs everything in fact had vanished as if whisked 
 away by an all-powerful genie. 
 
 " What does this mean? " I cried, turning to her. 
 
 " I don t mind sleeping upstairs, now that I have a 
 telephone," she said serenely. " Max and Rudolph 
 moved everything up this afternoon." 
 
 Poopendyke and I returned to the study. I, for 
 one, was bitterly disappointed. 
 
 " I m sorry that I had the phone put in," I said. 
 
 "Please don t call it a phone!" she objected. "I 
 hate the word phone." 
 
 " So do I," said Poopendyke recklessly. 
 
 I glared at him. What right had he to criticise my 
 manner of speech? He started to leave the room, after 
 a perfunctory scramble to put his papers in order, but 
 she broke off in the middle of a sentence to urge him to 
 remain. She announced that she was calling on both 
 of us. 
 
 " Please don t stop your work on my account," she 
 said, and promptly sat down at his typewriter anb! 
 began pecking at the keys. " You must teach me how 
 to run a typewriter, Mr. Poopendyke. I shall Ke as 
 poor as a church mouse before long, and I know father 
 won t help me. I may have to become a stenographer."
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 183 
 
 He blushed abominably. I don t believe I ve ever 
 seen a more unattractive fellow than Poopendyke. 
 
 " Oh, every cloud has its silver lining," said he awk 
 wardly. 
 
 " But I am used to gold," said she. The bell on the 
 machine tinkled. "What do I do now?" He made 
 the shift and the space for her. 
 
 " Go right ahead," said he. She scrambled the whole 
 alphabet across his neat sheet but he didn t seem to 
 mind. 
 
 "Isn t it jolly, Mr. Smart? If Mr. Poopendyke 
 should ever leave you, I may be able to take his place 
 as your secretary." 
 
 I bowed very low. " You may be quite sure, Count 
 ess, that I shall dismiss Mr. Poopendyke the instant 
 you apply for his job." 
 
 " And I shall most cheerfully abdicate," said he. 
 Silly ass ! 
 
 I couldn t help thinking how infinitely more attract 
 ive and perilous she would be as a typist than the ex 
 cellent young woman who had married the jeweller s 
 clerk, and what an improvement on Poopendyke ! 
 
 " I came down to inquire when you would like to go 
 exploring for buried treasure, Mr. Smart," she said, 
 after the cylinder had slipped back with a bang that 
 almost startled her out of her pretty boots and caused 
 her to give up typewriting then and there, forevermore. 
 
 " Never put off till to-morrow what you can do 
 to-day," quoted I glibly. 
 
 She looked herself over. " If you knew how many 
 times this gown had to be put off till to-morrow, you 
 wouldn t ask me to ruin it the second time I ve had it 
 on my back." 
 
 " It is an uncommonly attractive gown," said I.
 
 184 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 "Shall we set to-morrow for the treasure quest?" 
 
 " To-morrow is Sunday." 
 
 " Can you think of a better way to kill it? " 
 
 " Yes, you might have me down here for am old-fash 
 ioned midday dinner." 
 
 " Capital! Why not stay for supper, too? " 
 
 " It would be too much like spending a day with 
 relatives," she said. " We ll go treasure hunting on 
 Monday. I haven t the faintest notion where to look, 
 but that shouldn t make any difference. No one else 
 ever had. By the way, Mr. Smart, I have a bone to 
 pick with you. Have you seen yesterday s papers? 
 Well, in one of them, there is a long account of my 
 of Mr. Pless s visit to your castle, and a lengthy inter 
 view in which you are quoted as saying that he is one of 
 your dearest friends and a much maligned man who 
 deserves the sympathy of every law-abiding citizen in 
 the land." 
 
 " An abominable lie ! " I cried indignantly. " Con 
 found the newspapers ! " 
 
 " Another paper says that your fortune has been 
 placed at his disposal in the fight he is making against 
 the criminally rich Americans. In this particular 
 article you are quoted as saying that I am a dreadful 
 person and not fit to have the custody of a child." 
 
 " Good Lord ! " I gasped helplessly. 
 
 " You also expect to do everything in your power to 
 interest the administration at Washington in his 
 behalf." 
 
 " Well, of all the Oh, I say, Countess, you don t 
 believe a word of all this, do you? " 
 
 She regarded me pensively. " You have said some 
 very mean, uncivil things to me." 
 
 " If I thought you believed " I began des-
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 185 
 
 perately, but her sudden smile relieved me of the neces 
 sity of jumping into the river. " By Jove, I shall 
 write to these miserable sheets, denying every word 
 they ve printed. And what s more, I ll bring an action 
 for damages against all of em. Why, it is positively 
 atrocious ! The whole world will think I despise you 
 and " I stopped very abruptly in great confusion. 
 
 "And you don t?" she queried, with real serious 
 ness in her voice. " You don t despise me? " 
 
 " Certainly not! " I cried vehemently. Turning to 
 Poopendyke, I said : " Mr. Poopendyke, will you at 
 once prepare a complete and emphatic denial of every 
 da of every word they have printed about me, and 
 I ll send it to all the American correspondents in 
 Europe. We ll cable it ourselves to the United States. 
 I sha n t rest until I am set straight in the eyes of my 
 fellow-countrymen. The whole world shall know, 
 Countess, that I am for you first, last and all the time. 
 It shall know " 
 
 " But you don t know who I am, Mr. Smart," she 
 broke in, her cheeks very warm and rosy. " How can 
 you publicly espouse the cause of one whose name you 
 refuse to have mentioned in your presence ? " 
 
 I dismissed her question with a wave of the hand: 
 " Poopendyke can supply the name after I have signed 
 the statement. I give him carte blanche. The name 
 has nothing to do with the case, so far as I am con 
 cerned. Write it, Fred, and make it strong." 
 
 She came up to me and held out her hand. " I knew 
 you would do it," she said softly. " Thanks." 
 
 I bent low over the gloved little hand. " Don 
 Quixote was a happy gentleman, Countess, with all his 
 idiosyncrasies, and so am I." 
 
 She not only came for dinner with us on Sunday, but
 
 186 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 made the dressing for my alligator pear salad. We 
 were besieged by the usual crowd of Sunday sight-seers, 
 who came clamouring at our staunch, reinforced gates, 
 and anathematised me soundly for refusing admission. 
 One bourgeoise party of fifteen refused to leave the plaza 
 until their return fares on the ferry barge were paid 
 stoutly maintaining that they had come over in good 
 faith and wouldn t leave until I had reimbursed them 
 to the extent of fifty hellers apiece, ferry fare. I sent 
 Britton out with the money. He returned with the 
 rather disquieting news that he had recognised two 
 of Mr. Pless s secret agents in the mob. 
 
 " I wonder if he suspects that I am here," said the 
 Countess paling perceptibly when I mentioned the 
 presence of the two men. 
 
 " It doesn t matter," said I. " He can t get into 
 the castle while the gates are locked, and, by Jove, I 
 intend to keep them locked." 
 
 " What a delightful ogre you are, Mr. Smart," said 
 she. 
 
 Nevertheless, I did not sleep well that night. The 
 presence of the two detectives outside my gates was 
 not to be taken too lightly. Unquestionably they had 
 got wind of something that aroused suspicion in their 
 minds. I confidently expected them to reappear in 
 the morning, perhaps disguised as workmen. Nor were 
 my fears wholly unjustified. 
 
 Shortly after nine o clock a sly-faced man in overalls 
 accosted me in the hall. 
 
 " I beg your pardon, Mr. Smart," he said in fairly 
 good English, " may I have a word with you? I have 
 a message from Mr. Pless." 
 
 I don t believe he observed the look of concern that 
 flitted across my face.
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 187 
 
 " From Mr. Pless ? " I inquired, simulating surprise. 
 Then I looked him over so curiously that he laughed in 
 a quiet, simple way. 
 
 " I am an agent of the secret service," he explained 
 coolly. " Yesterday I failed to gain admission as a 
 visitor, to-day I come as a labourer. We work in a 
 mysterious way, sir." 
 
 " Is it necessary for Mr. Pless to resort to a sub 
 terfuge of this character in order to get a message to 
 me?" I demanded indignantly. 
 
 He shrugged his shoulders. 
 
 " It was not necessary yesterday, but it is to-day," 
 said he. He leaned closer and lowered his voice. 
 " Our every movement is being watched by the Count 
 ess s detectives. We are obliged to resort to trickery 
 to throw them off the scent. Mr. Pless has read what 
 you had to say in the newspapers and he is too grateful, 
 sir, to subject you to unnecessary annoyance at the 
 hands of her agents. Your friendship is sacred to him. 
 He realises that it means a great deal to have the 
 support of one so powerful with the United States 
 government. If we are to work together, Mr. Smart, 
 in bringing this woman to justice, it must be managed 
 with extreme skill or her family may " 
 
 " What is this you are saying? " I broke in, scarcely 
 able to believe my ears. 
 
 " I speak English so badly," he apologised. " Per 
 haps I should do no more than to give you his message. 
 He would have you to meet him secretly to-night at the 
 Rempf Hotel across the river. It is most important 
 that you should do so, and that you should exercise 
 great caution. I am to take your reply back to him." 
 
 For an instant I was fairly stupefied. Then I ex 
 perienced a feeling of relief so vast that he must have
 
 188 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 seen the gleam of triumph in my eyes. The trick was 
 mine, after all. 
 
 " Come into my study," I said. He followed me 
 upstairs and into the room. Poopendyke was there. 
 " This is my secretary, you may speak freely before 
 him." Turning to Poopendyke, I said : " You have not 
 sent that statement to the newspapers, have you? Well, 
 let it rest for a day or two. Mr. Pless has sent a 
 representative to see me." I scowled at my secretary, 
 and he had the sense to hide his astonishment. 
 
 The fellow repeated what he had said before, and 
 added a few instructions which I was to follow with 
 care if I would do Mr. Pless the honour to wait upon 
 him that evening at the Rempf Hotel. 
 
 " You may tell Mr. Pless that I shall be there at 
 nine," said I. The agent departed. When he was 
 safely out of the room, I explained the situation to 
 Poopendyke, and then made my way through the secret 
 panels to the Countess s rooms. 
 
 She was ready for the subterranean journey in quest 
 of treasure, attired in a neat walking skirt, with her 
 bonny hair encased in a swimming cap as a guard 
 against cobwebs. 
 
 " Then you don t intend to send out the statements ? " 
 she cried in disappointment. " You are going to let 
 every one think you are his friend and not mine? " 
 
 I was greatly elated. Her very unreasonableness 
 was a prize that I could not fail to cherish. 
 
 " Only for the time being," I said eagerly. " Don r t 
 you see the advantage we gain by fooling him? Why, 
 it is splendid positively splendid ! " 
 
 She pouted. " I don t feel at all sure of you now, 
 Mr. Smart," she said, sitting down rather dejectedly 
 in a chair near the fireplace. " I believe you are ready
 
 I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY 189 
 
 to turn against me. You want to be rid of me. I am 
 a nuisance, a source of trouble to you. You will tell 
 him that I am here " 
 
 I stood over her, trying my best to scowl. " You 
 know better than that. You know I I am as loyal 
 as as can be. Hang it all," I burst out impulsively, 
 " do you suppose for a minute that I want to hand you 
 over to that infernal rascal, now that I ve come to 
 that is to say, now that we re such ripping good 
 friends?" 
 
 She looked up at me very pathetically at first. Then 
 her expression changed swiftly to one of wonder and 
 the most penetrating inquiry. Slowly a flush crept 
 into her cheeks and her eyes wavered. 
 
 " I I think I can trust you to to do the right 
 thing by me," she said, descending to a banality in her 
 confusion. 
 
 I held out my hand. She laid hers in it rather 
 timidly, almost as if she was afraid of me. " I shall 
 not fail you," said I without the faintest intention to 
 be heroic but immediately conscious of having used an 
 expression so trite that my cheek flamed with humilia 
 tion. 
 
 For some unaccountable reason she arose hastily 
 from the chair and walked to the window. A similar 
 reason, no doubt, held me rooted rather safely to the 
 spot on which I stood. I have a vague recollection of 
 feeling dizzy and rather short of breath. My heart 
 was acting queerly. 
 
 " Why do you suppose he wants to see you ? " she 
 asked, after a moment, turning toward me again. She 
 was as calm as a summer breeze. All trace of nervous 
 ness had left her. 
 
 " I can t even supply a guess."
 
 190 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " You must be very, very tactful," she said uneasily. 
 " I know him so well. He is very cunning." 
 
 " I am accustomed to dealing with villains," said I. 
 " They always come to a bad end in my books, and 
 virtue triumphs." 
 
 " But this isn t a book," she protested. " Besides 
 virtue never triumphs in an international marriage. 
 You must come to see me to-night after you return 
 from town. I won t sleep until I ve heard everything." 
 
 " I may be very late," I said, contriving to hide my 
 eagerness pretty well, I thought. 
 
 " I shall wait for you, Mr. Smart," she said, very 
 distinctly. I took it as a command and bowed in sub 
 mission. " There is no one here to gossip, so we may 
 be as careless as we please about appearances. You 
 will be hungry, too, when you come in. I shall have a 
 nice supper ready for you." She frowned faintly. 
 " You must not, under any circumstance, spoil every 
 thing by having supper with him." 
 
 " Again I repeat, you may trust me implicitly to do 
 the right thing," said I beamingly. " And now, what 
 do you say to our trip to the bottom of the castle? " 
 
 She shook her head. " Not with the house full of 
 spies, my dear friend. We ll save that for another 
 day. A rainy day perhaps. I feel like having all the 
 sunshine I can get to-day. To-night I shall be gloomy 
 and very lonely. I shall take Rosemary and Jinko out 
 upon the top of the tower and play all day in the sun." 
 
 I had an idea. "I am sure I should enjoy a little 
 sunshine myself. May I come too ? " 
 
 She looked me straight in the eye. There was a 
 touch of dignity in her voice when she spoke. 
 
 " Not to-day, Mr. Smart." 
 
 A most unfathomable person!
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 
 
 ANY one who has travelled in the Valley of the Donau 
 knows the Rempf Hotel. It is an ancient hostelry, 
 frequented quite as much in these days as it was in 
 olden times by people who are by way of knowing 
 the excellence of its cuisine and the character of its 
 wines. Unless one possesses this intelligence, either 
 through hearsay or experience, he will pass by the 
 Rempf without so much as a glance at its rather for 
 bidding exterior and make for the modern hotel on the 
 platz, thereby missing one of the most interesting spots 
 in this grim old town. Is it to the fashionable Bellevue 
 that the nobility and the elect wend their way when they 
 come to town? Not by any means. They affect the 
 Rempf, and there you may see them in fat, inglorious 
 plenty smugly execrating the plebeian rich of many 
 lands who dismiss Rempf s with a sniff, and enjoying to 
 their heart s content a privacy which the aforesaid rich 
 would not consider at any price. 
 
 You may be quite sure that the rates are low at the 
 historic Rempf, and that they would be much lower if 
 the nobility had anything to say about it. One can get 
 a very comfortable room, without bath, at the Rempf 
 for a dollar a day, provided he gets in ahead of the 
 native aristocracy. If he insists on having a room with 
 bath he is guilty of lese majeste and is sent on his way. 
 
 But, bath or no bath, the food is the best in the 
 entire valley and the cellar without a rival. 
 
 I found Mr. Pless at the Rempf at nine o clock. He 
 
 191
 
 192 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 was in his room when I entered the quaint old place and 
 approached the rotund manager with considerable un 
 certainty in my manner. For whom was I to inquire? 
 Would he be known there as Pless? 
 
 The manager gave me a broad (I was about to say 
 serviceable) smile and put my mind at rest by blandly 
 inquiring if I was the gentleman who wished to see Mr. 
 Pless. He directed me to the top floor of the hotel 
 and I mounted two flights of stairs at the heels of a 
 porter who exercised native thrift by carrying up a 
 large trunk, thus saving time and steps after a fashion, 
 although it may be hard to see wherein he really bene 
 fited when I say that after escorting me to a room on 
 the third floor and knocking at the door while balancing 
 the trunk on his back, he descended to the second and 
 delivered his burden in triumph to the lady who had 
 been calling for it since six o clock in the evening. But 
 even at that he displayed considerable cunning in not 
 forgetting what room the luggage belonged in, thereby 
 saving himself a trip all the way down to the office and 
 back with the trunk. 
 
 Mr. Pless welcomed me with a great deal of warmth. 
 He called me " dear old fellow " and shook hands with 
 me with more heartiness than I had thought him capable 
 of expressing. His dark, handsome face was aglow 
 with pleasure. He was quite boyish. A smallish old 
 gentleman was with him. My introduction to the 
 stranger was a sort of afterthought, it seemed to me. 
 I was informed that he was one of the greatest lawyers 
 and advocates in Vienna and Mr. Pless s personal ad 
 viser in the " unfortunate controversy." 
 
 I accepted a cigar. 
 
 " So you knew who I was all the time I was at Schloss 
 Rothhoefen," said Mr. Pless, smiling amiably. " I was
 
 trying to maintain my incognito so that you might not 
 be distressed, Mr. Smart, by having in your home such 
 a notorious character as I am supposed to be. I con 
 fess it was rather shabby in me, but I hold your ex 
 cellent friends responsible for the trick." 
 
 " It is rather difficult to keep a secret with women 
 about," said I evasively. 
 
 " But never difficult to construct one," said Mr. 
 Schymansky, winking rather too broadly. I think 
 Schymansky was the name. 
 
 " By the way," said I, " I have had no word from our 
 mutual friends. Have you seen them? " 
 
 Mr. Pless stiffened. His face grew perceptibly 
 older. 
 
 " I regret to inform you, Mr. Smart, that our re 
 lations are not quite as friendly as they once were. I 
 have reason to suspect that Mr. Smith has been working 
 against me for the past two or three days, to such an 
 extent, I may say, that the Ambassador now declines to 
 advise your government to grant us certain privileges 
 we had hoped to secure without trouble. In short, we 
 have just heard that he will not ask the United States 
 to consider anything in the shape of an extradition if 
 the Countess is apprehended in her own country. Up 
 to yesterday we felt confident that he would advise your 
 State Department to turn the child over to our repre 
 sentatives in case she is to be found there. There has 
 been underhand work going on, and Mr. Smith is at 
 the bottom of it. He wantonly insulted me the day 
 we left Rothhoefen. I have challenged him, but he 
 he committed the most diabolical breach of etiquette by 
 threatening to kick my friend the Baron out of his 
 rooms when he waited upon him yesterday morning." 
 
 With difficulty I restrained a desire to shout the
 
 194 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 single word : " Good ! " I was proud of Billy Smith. 
 Controlling my exultation, I merely said : " Perfectly 
 diabolical ! Perfectly ! " 
 
 " I have no doubt, however, should our Minister make 
 a formal demand upon your Secretary of State, the 
 cause of justice would be sustained. It is a clear case 
 of abduction, as you so forcibly declare in the inter 
 views, Mr. Smart. I cannot adequately express my 
 gratification for the stand you have taken. Will you 
 be offended if I add that it was rather unexpected? I 
 had the feeling that you were against me, that you did 
 not like me." 
 
 I smiled deprecatingly. " As I seldom read the news 
 papers, I am not quite sure that they have done justice 
 to my real feelings in the matter." 
 
 The lawyer sitting directly opposite to me, was 
 watching my face intently. " They quoted you rather 
 freely, sir," said he. Instinctively I felt that here was 
 a wily person whom it would be difficult to deceive. 
 " The Count is to be congratulated upon having the 
 good will of so distinguished a gentleman as John Bell 
 amy Smart. It will carry great weight, believe me." 
 
 " Oh, you will find to your sorrow that I cut a very 
 small figure in national politics," said I. " Pray do 
 not deceive yourselves." 
 
 " May I offer you a brandy and soda? " asked Mr. 
 Pless, tapping sharply on the table top with his seal 
 ring. Instantly his French valet, still bearing faint 
 traces of the drubbing he had sustained at Britton s 
 hands, appeared in the bedchamber door. 
 
 " Thank you, no," I made haste to say. " I am on 
 the water wagon." 
 
 " I beg your pardon," said Mr. Pless in perplexity. 
 
 " I am not drinking, Mr. Pless," I explained.
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 195 
 
 " Sorry," said he, and curtly dismissed the man. I 
 had a notion that the great lawyer looked a trifle dis 
 appointed. " I fancy you are wondering why I sent 
 for you, Mr. Smart." 
 
 " I am." 
 
 " Am I to assume that the newspapers were correct 
 in stating that you mean to support my cause with 
 I may say, to the full extent of your powers? " 
 
 " It depends on circumstances, Mr. Pless." 
 
 " Circumstances ? " He eyed me rather coldly, as if 
 to say, " What right have you to suggest circum 
 stances ? " 
 
 " Perhaps I should have said that it depends some 
 what on what my powers represent." 
 
 He crossed his slender legs comfortably and looked 
 at me with a queer little tilt of his left eyebrow, but 
 with an unsmiling visage. He was too cocksure of 
 himself to grant me even so much as an ingratiating 
 smile. Was not I a glory-seeking American and he 
 one of the glorious? It would be doing me a favour 
 to let me help him. 
 
 " I trust you will understand, Mr. Smart, that I 
 do not ask a favour of you, but rather put myself 
 under a certain obligation for the time being. You 
 have become a land-owner in this country, and as such, 
 you should ally yourself with the representative people 
 of our land. It is not an easy matter for a foreigner 
 to plant himself in our midst, so to speak, as a 
 mushroom, and expect to thrive on limited favours. 
 I can be of assistance to you. My position, as you 
 doubtless know, is rather a superior one in the capital. 
 An unfortunate marriage has not lessened the power 
 that I possess as a birthright nor the esteem in which 
 I am held throughout Europe. The disgraceful meth-
 
 196 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 ods employed by my former wife in securing a divorce 
 are well known to you, I take it, and I am gratified to 
 observe that you frown upon them. I suppose you 
 know the whole story? " 
 
 " I think I do," said I, quietly. I have never known 
 such consummate self-assurance as the fellow dis 
 played. 
 
 " Then you are aware that her father has defaulted 
 under the terms of an ante-nuptial agreement. There 
 is still due me, under the contract, a round million of 
 your exceedingly useful dollars." 
 
 " With the interest to be added," said the lawyer, 
 thrumming on the chair-arm with his fingers something 
 after the fashion my mother always employs in com 
 puting a simple sum in addition. 
 
 " Certainly," said Mr. Pless, sharply. " Mr. Smart 
 understands that quite clearly, Mr. Schymansky. It 
 isn t necessary to enlighten him." 
 
 The lawyer cleared his throat. I knew him at once 
 for a shyster. Mr. Pless continued, addressing me. 
 
 " Of course he will have to pay this money before 
 his daughter may even hope to gain from me the right 
 to share the custody of our little girl, who loves me 
 devotedly. When the debt is fully liquidated, I may 
 consent to an arrangement by which she shall have the 
 child part of the time at least." 
 
 " It seems to me she has the upper hand of you at 
 present, however," I said, not without secret satisfac 
 tion. " She may be in America by this time." 
 
 " I think not," said he. " Every steamship has been 
 watched for days, and we are quite positive she has not 
 sailed. There is the possibility, however, that she may 
 have been taken by motor to some out-of-the-way place 
 where she will await the chance to slip away by means
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 197 
 
 of a specially chartered ship. It is this very thing 
 that we are seeking to prevent. I do not hesitate to 
 admit that if she once gets the child to New York, we 
 may expect serious difficulty in obtaining our rights. 
 I humbly confess that I have not the means to fight her 
 in a land where her father s millions count for so much. 
 I am a poor man. My estates are heavily involved 
 through litigation started by my forbears. You un 
 derstand my position ? " He said it with a rather 
 pathetic twist of his lips. 
 
 ** I understand that you received a million in cash 
 at the time of the wedding," said I. " What has be 
 come of all that ?" 
 
 He shrugged his shoulders. " Can you expect me 
 to indulge an extravagant wife, who seeks to become a 
 social queen, and still save anything out of a paltry 
 million?" 
 
 " Oh, I see. This is a new phase of the matter that 
 hasn t been revealed to me. It was she who spent the 
 million ? " 
 
 " After a fashion, yes," said he, without a spark of 
 shame. " The chateau was in rather a dilapidated con 
 dition, and she insisted on its restoration. It was also 
 necessary to spend a great deal of money in the effort 
 to secure for herself a certain position in society. My 
 own position was not sufficient for her. She wanted to 
 improve upon it, I might say. We entertained a great 
 deal, and lavishly. She was accustomed to gratifying 
 every taste and whim that money could purchase. 
 Naturally, it was not long before we were hard pressed 
 for funds. I went to New York a year ago and put 
 the matter clearly before her father. He met me 
 with another proposition which rather disgusted me. 
 I am a man who believes in fair dealing. If I have an
 
 198 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 obligation I meet it. Isn t that true, Mr. Schyman 
 sky? " 
 
 " It is," said the lawyer. 
 
 " Her father revoked his original plan and suggested 
 an alternative. He proposed to put the million in 
 trust for his granddaughter, our Rosemary, a name, 
 sir, that I abominate and which was given to her after 
 my wife had sulked for weeks, the interest to be 
 paid to his daughter until the child reached the age of 
 twenty-one. Of course, I could not accept such an 
 arrangement. It " 
 
 " Acting on my advice, for I was present at the 
 interview, the Count emphatically declined to enter 
 tain " 
 
 " Never mind, Schymansky," broke in the Count pet 
 ulantly. " What is the use of going into all that ? " 
 He appeared to reflect for a moment. " Will you be 
 good enough to leave the room for awhile, Mr. Schy 
 mansky? I think Mr. Smart and I can safely manage 
 a friendly compact without your assistance. Eh, Mr. 
 Smart?" 
 
 I couldn t feel sorry for Schymansky. He hadn t 
 the backbone of an angleworm. If I were a lawyer 
 and a client of mine were to speak to me as Pless spoke 
 to him, I firmly believe I should have had at least a fair 
 sprinkling of his blood upon my hands. 
 
 " I beg of you, Count, to observe caution and " 
 
 " If you please, sir ! " cut in the Count, with the 
 austerity that makes the continental nobleman what 
 he is. 
 
 " If you require my services, you will find me in 
 the" 
 
 " Not in the hall, I trust," said his client in a most 
 insulting way.
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 199 
 
 Schymansky left the room without so much as a 
 glance at me. He struck me as a man who knew his 
 place better than any menial I ve ever seen. I particu 
 larly noticed that not even his ears were red. 
 
 " Rather rough way to handle a lawyer, it strikes 
 me," said I. " Isn t he any good ? " 
 
 " He is as good as the best of them," said the Count, 
 lighting his fourth or fifth cigarette. " I have no 
 patience with the way they muddle matters by always 
 talking law, law, law! If it were left to me, I should 
 dismiss the whole lot of them and depend entirely upon 
 my common-sense. If it hadn t been for the lawyers, 
 I am convinced that all this trouble could have been 
 avoided, or at least amicably adjusted out of court. 
 But I am saddled with half a dozen of them, simply 
 because two or three banks and as many private inter 
 ests are inclined to be officious. They claim that my 
 interests are theirs, but I doubt it, by Jove, I do. 
 They re a blood-sucking lot, these bankers. But I 
 sha n t bore you with trivialities. Now here is the sit 
 uation in a word. It is quite impossible for me to 
 prosecute the search for my child without financial 
 assistance from outside sources. My funds are prac 
 tically exhausted and the banks refuse to extend my 
 credit. You have publicly declared yourself to be my 
 friend and well-wisher. I have asked you to come here 
 to-night, Mr. Smart, to put you to the real test, so to 
 speak. I want one hundred thousand dollars for six 
 months." 
 
 While I was prepared in a sense for the request, the 
 brazenness with which he put it up to me took my 
 breath away. I am afraid that the degage manner in 
 which he paid compliment to my affluence was too much 
 for me. I blinked my eyes rapidly for a second or
 
 200 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 two and then allowed them to settle into a stare of per 
 plexity. 
 
 " Really, Mr. Pless," I mumbled in direct contrast 
 to his sangfroid, " you you surprise me." 
 
 He laughed quietly, almost reassuringly, as he 
 leaned forward in his chair the better to study my 
 face. " I hope you do not think that I expect you to 
 produce so much ready money to-night, Mr. Smart. 
 Oh, no ! Any time within the next few days will be 
 satisfactory. Take your time, sir. I appreciate that 
 it requires time to arrange for the " 
 
 I held up my hand with a rather lofty air. " Was 
 it one hundred and fifty thousand that you mentioned, 
 or" 
 
 " That was the amount," said he, a sudden glitter 
 in his eyes. 
 
 I studied the ceiling with a calculating squint, as 
 if trying to approximate my balance in bank. He 
 watched me closely, almost breathlessly. At last, un 
 able to control his eagerness, he said: 
 
 " At the usual rate of interest, you understand." 
 
 " Certainly," I said, and resumed my calculations. 
 He got the impression that I was annoyed by the in 
 terruption. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," he said. 
 
 " What security can you give, Mr. Pless ? " I de 
 manded in a very business-like way. 
 
 " Oh, you Americans ! " he cried, his face beaming 
 with premature relief. " You will pin us down, I see. 
 I do not wonder that you are so rich. I shall give 
 you my personal note, Mr. Smart, for the amount, se 
 cured by a mortgage a supplementary mortgage 
 on the Chateau Tarnowsy." 
 
 Tarnowsy! Now I remembered everything. Tar-
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 201 
 
 nowsy! The name struck my memory like a blow. 
 What a stupid dolt I had been ! The whole world had 
 rung wedding bells for the marriage of the Count 
 Maris Tarnowsy, scion of one of the greatest Hun 
 garian houses, and Aline, the nineteen-year-old daugh 
 ter of Gwendolen and Jasper Titus, of New York, New 
 port, Tuxedo, Hot Springs, Palm Beach and so forth. 
 Jasper Titus, the banker and railway magnate, 
 whose name as well as his hand was to be seen in every 
 great financial movement of the last two decades ! 
 
 What a fool I was not to recall a marriage that had 
 been not only on the lips of every man, woman and 
 child in the States but on mine in particular, for I 
 had bitterly execrated the deliverance into bondage of 
 this young girl of whose beauty and charm I had heard 
 so much. 
 
 The whole spectacular travesty came back to me 
 with a rush, as I sat there in the presence of the only 
 man who had ever been known to get the better of 
 Jasper Titus in a trade. I remembered with some viv 
 idness my scornful attitude toward the newspapers of 
 the metropolis, all of which fairly sloshed over with 
 the news of the great event weeks beforehand and 
 weeks afterward. I was not the only man who said 
 harsh things about Jasper Titus in those days. I was 
 but one of the multitude. 
 
 I also recalled my scathing comments at the time 
 of the divorce proceedings. They were too caustic to 
 be repeated here. It is only necessary to state that 
 the proceedings came near to putting two friendly 
 nations into very bad temper. Statesmen and diplo 
 mats were drawn into the mess, and jingo congressmen 
 on our side of the water introduced sensational bills 
 bearing specifically upon the international marriage
 
 202 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 market. Newspaper humourists stood together as 
 one man in advocating a revision of the tariff upward 
 on all foreign purchases coming under the head of the 
 sons of old masters. As I have said before I did not 
 follow the course of the nasty squabble very closely, 
 and was quite indifferent as to the result. I have a 
 vague recollection of some one telling me that a divorce 
 had been granted, but that is all. There was also 
 something said about a child. 
 
 My pleasant little mystery had come to a sharp and 
 rather depressing end. The lovely countess about 
 whom I had cast the veil of secrecy was no other than 
 the much-discussed Aline Titus and Mr. Pless the ex 
 pensive Count Tarnowsy. Cold, hard facts took the 
 place of indulgent fancies. The dream was over. I 
 was sorry to have it end. A joyous enthusiasm had 
 attended me while I worked in the dark ; now a dreary 
 reality stared me in the face. The sparkle was gone. 
 Is there anything so sad as a glass of champagne when 
 it has gone flat and lifeless? 
 
 My cogitations were brief. The Count after waiting 
 for a minute or two to let me grasp the full importance 
 of the sacrifice he was ready to make in order to secure 
 me against personal loss, blandly announced that there 
 were but two mortgages on the chateau, whereas nearly 
 every other place of the kind within his knowledge had 
 thrice as many. 
 
 " You wish me to accept a third mortgage on the 
 place?" I inquired, pursing my lips. 
 
 " The Chateau is worth at least a million," he said 
 earnestly. " But why worry about that, Mr. Smart? 
 My personal note is all that is necessary. The matter 
 of a mortgage is merely incidental. I believe it is 
 considered business-like by you Americans, so I stand
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 203 
 
 quite ready to abide by your habits. I shall soon be in 
 possession of a million in any event, so you are quite 
 safe in advancing me any amount up to " 
 
 " Just a moment, Count," I interrupted, leaning for 
 ward in my chair. " May I inquire where and from 
 whom you received the impression that I am a rich 
 man?" 
 
 He laughed easily. " One who indulges a whim, 
 Mr. Smart, is always rich. Schloss Rothhoefen con 
 demns you to the purgatory of Croesus." 
 
 " Cro2sus would be a poor man in these days," 
 said I. " If he lived in New York he would be won 
 dering where his next meal was to come from. You 
 have made a very poor guess as to my wealth. I am 
 not a rich man." 
 
 He eyed me coldly. " Have you suddenly discov 
 ered the fact, sir? " 
 
 "What do you mean?" 
 
 " I suggest a way in which you can be of assistance 
 to me, and you hesitate. How am I to take it, sir? " 
 
 His infernal air of superiority aggravated me. 
 " You may take it just as you please, Mr. Pless." 
 
 " I beg you to remember that I am Count Tarnowsy. 
 Mr." 
 
 I arose. " The gist of the matter is this : you want 
 to borrow one hundred and fifty thousand dollars of 
 me. That is " 
 
 He hastened to correct me. " I do not call it bor 
 rowing when one gives ample security for the amount 
 involved." 
 
 "What is your idea of borrowing, may I ask?" 
 
 " Borrowing is the same thing as asking a favour 
 according to our conception of the transaction. I am 
 not asking a favour of you, sir. Far from it. I am
 
 204 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 offering you an opportunity to put a certain amount 
 of money out at a high rate of interest." 
 
 " Well, then, we ll look at it in that light. I am 
 not in a position to invest so much money at this time. 
 To be perfectly frank with you, I haven t the money 
 lying loose." 
 
 " Suppose that I were to say that any iday inside the 
 next three or four weeks would be satisfactory to me," 
 said he, as if he were granting me a favour. * Please 
 be seated, Mr. Smart." He glanced at his watch. "I 
 have ordered a light supper to be sent up at ten o clock. 
 We can " 
 
 " Thank you. I fear it is impossible for me to re 
 
 main. 
 
 M 
 
 I shall be disappointed. However, another time 
 if not to-night, I trust. And now to come to the point. 
 May I depend upon you to help me at this trying pe 
 riod? A few thousand will be sufficient for present 
 needs, and the balance may go over a few weeks without 
 seriously inconveniencing me. If we can come to some 
 sort of an understanding to-night, my attorney will 
 be happy to meet you to-morrow at any time and place 
 you may suggest." 
 
 I actually was staggered. Upon my word it was 
 almost as if he were dunning me and magnanimously 
 consenting to give me an extension of time if I could 
 see my way clear to let him have something on account. 
 My choler was rising. 
 
 "I may as well tell you first as last, Count Tar- 
 nowsy, that I cannot let you have the money. It is 
 quite, impossible. In the first place, I haven t the 
 amount to spare; in the second " 
 
 " Enough, sir," he broke in angrily. " I have com 
 mitted the common error of regarding one of you as a
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 205 
 
 gentleman. Damn me, if I shall ever do so again. 
 There isn t one in the whole of the United States. Will 
 you be good enough, Mr. Smart, to overlook my mis 
 take? I thank you for taking the trouble to rush 
 into print in my defence. If you have gained any 
 thing by it, I do not begrudge you the satisfaction you 
 must feel in being heralded as the host of Count Tar- 
 nowsy and his friend. You obtained the privilege very 
 cheaply." 
 
 " You will do well, sir, to keep a civil tongue in your 
 head," said I, paling with fury. ^ 
 
 " I have nothing more to say to you, Mr. Smart," 
 said he contemptuously. " Good night. Franfois ! 
 Conduct Mr. Smart to the corridor." 
 
 Fran9ois or " Franko " as Britton, whose French 
 is very lame, had called him preceded me to the 
 door. In all my experience, nothing has surprised me 
 so much as my ability to leave the room without first 
 kicking Fra^ois master, or at least telling him what 
 I thought of him. Strangely enough I did not recover 
 my sense of speech until I was well out into the cor 
 ridor. Then I deliberately took a gold coin out of 
 my pocket and pressed it into the valet s hand. 
 
 " Kindly give that to your master with my compli 
 ments," said I, in a voice that was intended to reach 
 Tarnowsy s ear. 
 
 " Bon soir, m sieu," said Fra^ois, with an amiable 
 grin. He watched me descend the stairs and then softly 
 closed the door. 
 
 In the office I came upon Mr. Schymansky. 
 " I trust everything is satisfactorily arranged, 
 Mr. " he began smiling and rubbing his hands. He 
 was so utterly unprepared for the severity of the in 
 terruption that the smile was still in process of con-
 
 206 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 gealing as I stepped out into the narrow, illy-lighted 
 street. 
 
 Max and Rudolph were waiting at the wharf for me. 
 Their excellent arms and broad backs soon drove the 
 light boat across the river. But once during the five 
 or ten minutes of passage did I utter a word, and that 
 word, while wholly involuntary and by no means ad 
 dressed to my oarsmen, had the remarkable effect of 
 making them row like fury for the remainder of the 
 distance. 
 
 Mr. Poopendyke was waiting for me in the court 
 yard. He was carrying a lantern, which he held rather 
 close to my face as if looking for something he dreaded 
 to see. 
 
 "What the devil is the matter with you?" I de 
 manded irascibly. "What s up? What are you do 
 ing out here with a lantern?" 
 
 " I was rather anxious," he said, a note of relief in 
 his voice. " I feared that something unexpected might 
 have befallen you. Five minutes ago the Mr. Pless 
 called up on the telephone and left a message for you. 
 It rather upset me, sir." 
 
 " He did, eh? Well, what did he say? " 
 
 " He merely commanded me to give you his compli 
 ments and to tell you to go to the devil. I told him 
 that you would doubtless be at home a little later on 
 and it would sound very much better if it came from 
 him instead of from me. Whereupon he told me to 
 accompany you, giving rather explicit directions. He 
 appeared to be in a tremendous rage." 
 
 I laughed heartily. " I must have got under his 
 confounded skin after all." 
 
 " I was a little worried, so I came out with the lan 
 tern. One never can tell. Did you come to blows?" 
 
 "Blows? What puts that idea into your head?"
 
 I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY 207 
 
 " The Countess was listening on the extension wire 
 while he was speaking to me. She thought it was you 
 calling up and was eager to hear what had happened. 
 It was she who put it into my head. She said you 
 must have given his nose a jolly good pulling or some 
 thing of the sort. I am extremely sorry, but she heard 
 every word he said, even to the mildest damn." 
 
 " It must have had a very familiar sound to her," 
 I said sourly. 
 
 " So she informed me." 
 
 " Oh, you ve seen her, eh?" 
 
 " She came down to the secret door a few minutes 
 ago and urged me to set out to meet you. She says 
 she can hardly wait for the news. I was to send you 
 upstairs at once." 
 
 Confound him, he took that very instant to hold 
 the lantern up to my face again, and caught me grin 
 ning like a Cheshire cat. 
 
 I hurried to my room and brushed myself up a bit. 
 On my bureau, in a glass of water, there was a white 
 boutonniere, rather clumsily constructed and all ready 
 to be pinned in the lapel of my coat. I confess to a 
 blush. I wish Britton would not be so infernally ardu 
 ous in his efforts to please me. 
 
 The Countess gave a little sigh of relief when I 
 dashed in upon her a few minutes later. She had it all 
 out of me before I had quite recovered my breath after 
 the climb upstairs. 
 
 " And so it was I who spent all the money," she 
 mused, with a far-away look in her eyes. 
 
 " In trying to be a countess," said I boldly. 
 
 She smiled. " Are you hungry ? " 
 
 " Delightfully," said I. 
 
 We sat down at the table. " Now tell me everything 
 all over again," she said.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 
 
 MR. POOPENDYKE began to develop a streak of ro 
 mantic invention in fact, tomfoolery A day or 
 two after my experience with Count Tarnowsy in the 
 Rempf Hotel. He is the last person in the world of 
 whom I or any one else would suspect silliness 
 of a radical nature. 
 
 We were finding it rather difficult to get down to 
 actual, serious work on the book. The plot and tHe 
 synopsis, of course, were quite completely outlined; 
 with ordinary intensity of purpose on my part the 
 tale might have galloped through the introductory 
 chapters with some clarity and decisiveness. But for 
 some reason I lacked the power of concentration, or 
 perhaps more properly speaking the power of initiative. 
 I laid it to the hub-bub created by the final effort of the 
 workmen to finish the job of repairing my castle before 
 cold weather set in. 
 
 " That isn t it, Mr. Smart," said my secretary 
 darkly. We were in the study and my pad of paper 
 was lying idly on my knees. For half an hour I had 
 been trying to think of a handy sentence with which to 
 open the story; the kind of sentence that catches the 
 unwary reader s attention at a glance and makes for 
 interest. 
 
 "What is it, then? " I demanded, at once resenting 
 an opinion. 
 
 He smiled mysteriously. " You were not thinking 
 
 of the workmen just now, were you? " 
 
 208
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 209 
 
 " Certainly," said I, coldly. " What s that got to 
 do with it?" 
 
 " Nothing, I suppose," said he resignedly. 
 
 I hesitated. " 0-f course it is the work that upsets 
 me. What are you driving at? " 
 
 He stared for a long time at the portrait of Ludwig 
 the Red. " Isn t it odd that the Countess, an Ameri 
 can, should be descended from the old Rothhoefens? 
 What a small world it is, after all ! " 
 
 I became wary. " Nothing odd about it to me. 
 We ve all got to descend from somebody." 
 
 " I dare say. Still it is odd that she should be hid 
 ing in the castle of her ances " 
 
 " Not at all, not at all. It just happens to be a 
 handy place. Perfectly natural." 
 
 We lapsed into a prolonged spell of silence. I found 
 myself watching him rather combatively, as who would 
 anticipate the move of an adversary. 
 
 " Perfect rot," said I, at last, without rhyme or rea 
 son. 
 
 He grinned. " Nevertheless, it s the general opinion 
 that you are," said he. 
 
 I sat up very straight. "What s that? " 
 
 " You re in love," said he succinctly. It was like 
 a bomb, and a bomb is the very last thing in succinct 
 ness. It comes to the point without palaver or con 
 jecture, and it reduces havoc to a single synonymous 
 syllable. 
 
 " You re crazy ! " I gasped. 
 
 " And the workmen haven t anything at all to do 
 with it," he pronounced emphatically. It was a direct 
 charge. I distinctly felt called upon to refute it. 
 But while I was striving to collect my thoughts he 
 went on, somewhat arbitrarily, I thought : " You
 
 210 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 don t think we re all blind, do you, Mr. Smart ? " 
 "We?" I murmured, a curious dampness assailing 
 
 me. 
 
 " That is to say, Britton, the Schmicks and myself." 
 " The Schmicks? " It was high time that I should 
 
 laugh. " Ha ! ha ! The Schmicks ! Good Lord, man, 
 
 the Schmicks." It sounded inane even to me, but, 
 on my soul, it was all I could think of to say. 
 
 " The Schmicks are tickled to death over it," said he. 
 " And so is Britton." 
 
 Collecting all the sarcasm that I could command at 
 the instant, I inquired : " And you, Mr. Poopendyke, 
 
 are you not ticklish? " 
 " Very," said he. 
 
 "Well, I m not!" said I, savagely. "What does 
 all this nonsense mean. Don t be an ass, Fred." 
 
 " Perhaps you don t know it, Mr. Smart, but you 
 are in love," said he so convincingly that I was con 
 scious of an abrupt sinking of the heart. Good heav 
 ens ! Was he right ? Was there anything in this 
 silly twaddle? "You are quite mad about her." 
 
 " The deuce you say ! " I exclaimed, rather blankly. 
 
 " Oh, I ve seen it coming. For that matter, so has 
 she. It s as plain as the nose " 
 
 I leaped to my feet, startled. " She ? You don t 
 Has she said anything that leads you to believe Oh, 
 the deuce ! What rot ! " 
 
 " No use getting angry over it," he said consolingly. 
 " Falling in love is the sort of thing a fellow can t 
 help, you know. It happens without his assistance. 
 It is so easy. Now I was once in love with a girl for 
 two years without really knowing it." 
 
 " And how did you find it out ? " I asked, weakly. 
 
 " I didn t find it out until she married another chap.
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 211 
 
 Then I knew I d been in love with her all the time. 
 But that s neither here nor there. You are heels over 
 head in love with the Countess Tarnowsy and " 
 
 " Shut up, Fred ! You re going daffy from reading 
 my books, or absorbing my manuscripts, or " 
 
 " Heaven is my witness, I don t read your books and 
 I merely correct your manuscripts. God knows there 
 is no romance in that! You are in love. Now what 
 are you going to do about it? " 
 
 " Do about it? " I demanded. 
 
 " You can t go on in this way, you know," he said 
 relentlessly. " She won t " 
 
 " Why, you blithering idiot," I roared, " do you 
 know what you are saying? I m not in love with 
 anybody. My heart is is But never mind ! 
 Now, listen to me, Fred. This nonsense has got to 
 cease. I won t have it. Why, she s already got a hus 
 band. She s had all she can stand in the way of 
 husb " 
 
 " Rubbish ! She can stand a husband or two more, 
 if you are going to look at it in a literal way. Besides, 
 she hasn t a husband. She s chucked him. Good rid 
 dance, too. Now, do you imagine for a single instant 
 that a beautiful, adorable young woman of twenty- 
 three is going to spend the rest of her life without a 
 man? Not much! She s free to marry again and she 
 will." 
 
 " Admitting that to be true, why should she marry 
 me?" 
 
 " I didn t say she was in love with you. I said you 
 were in love with her." 
 
 " Oh," I said, and my face fell " I see." 
 
 He seemed to be considering something. After a 
 few seconds, he nodded his head decisively. " Yes, I
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 am sure of it. If the right man gets her, she ll make 
 the finest, sweetest wife in the world. She s never had 
 a chance to show what s really in her. She would be 
 adorable, wouldn t she? " 
 
 The sudden question caught me unawares. 
 
 " She would ! " I said, with conviction. 
 
 " Well," said he, slowly and deliberately, " why don t 
 you set about it, then ? " 
 
 He was so ridiculous that I thought for the fun of 
 it, I d humour him. 
 
 " Assuming that you are right in regard to my 
 feelings toward her, Fred, what leads you to believe 
 that I would stand a chance of winning her? " It was 
 a silly question, but I declare I hung on his answer 
 with a tenseness that surprised me. 
 
 "Why not? You are good looking, a gentleman, a 
 celebrity, and a man. Bless my soul, she could do 
 worse." 
 
 " But you forget that I am let me see thirty- 
 five and she is but twenty-three." 
 
 " To offset that, she has been married and unhappy. 
 That brings her about up to your level, I should say. 
 She s a mother, and that makes you seem a good bit 
 younger. Moreover, she isn t a sod widow. She s a 
 grass widow, and she s got a living example to use as 
 a contrast. Regulation widows sometimes forget the 
 past because it is dim and dead; but, by George, sir, 
 the divorced wife doesn t forget the hard time she s 
 had. She s mighty careful when she goes about it 
 the second time. The other kind has lost her sense of 
 comparison, her standard, so to speak. Her husband 
 may have been a rotter and all that sort of thing, but 
 he s dead and buried and she can t see anything but 
 the good that was in him for the simple reason that it s
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 213 
 
 on his tombstone. But when they re still alive and as 
 bad as ever, well, don t you see it s different ? " 
 
 " It occurs to me she d be more likely to see the 
 evil in all men and steer clear of them." 
 
 " That isn t feminine nature. All women want to 
 be loved. They want to be married. They want to 
 make some man happy." 
 
 " I suppose all this is philosophy," I mused, some 
 what pleased and mollified. " But we ll look at.it from 
 another point of view. The former Miss Titus set 
 out for a title. She got it. Do you imagine she ll 
 marry a man who has no position By Jove ! That 
 reminds me of something. You are altogether wrong 
 in your reasoning, Fred. With her own lips she de 
 clared to me one day that she d never marry again. 
 There you are ! " 
 
 He rolled his eyes heavenward. 
 
 " They take delight in self-pity," said he. " You 
 can t believe em under oath when they re in that 
 mood." 
 
 " Well, granting that she will marry again," said I, 
 rather insistently, " it doesn t follow that her parents 
 will consent to a marriage with any one less than a duke 
 the next time." 
 
 " They ve had their lesson." 
 
 " And she is probably a mercenary creature, after 
 all. She s had a taste of poverty, after a fashion. I 
 imagine " 
 
 " If I know anything about women, the Countess 
 Tarnowsy wants love more than anything else in the 
 world, my friend. She was made to be loved and she 
 knows it. And she hasn t had any of it, except from 
 men who didn t happen to know how to combine love 
 and respect. I ll give you my candid opinion, Mr.
 
 214 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 John Bellamy Smart. She s in a receptive mood. 
 Strike while the iron is hot. You ll win or my name 
 isn t " 
 
 " Fred Poopendyke, you haven t a grain of sense," 
 I broke in sharply. " Do you suppose, just to oblige 
 you, I ll get myself mixed up in this wretched squabble? 
 Why, she s not really clear of the fellow yet. She s 
 got a good many months to wait before the matter of 
 the child and the final decree " 
 
 " Isn t she worth waiting a year for or ten years ? 
 Besides, the whole squabble will come to an end the min 
 ute old man Titus puts up the back million. And the 
 minute the Countess goes to him and says she s willing 
 for him to pay it, you take my word for it, he ll settle 
 like a flash. It rests with her." 
 
 " I don t quite get your meaning." 
 
 " She isn t going to let a stingy little million stand 
 between her and happiness." 
 
 " Confound you, do you mean to say she d ask her 
 father to pay over that million in order to be free to 
 marry " I did not condescend to finish the sen 
 tence. 
 
 " Why not ? " he demanded after a moment. " He 
 owes it, doesn t he? " 
 
 I gasped. " But you wouldn t have him pay over a 
 million to that damned brute of a Count ! " 
 
 He grinned. " You ve changed your song, my 
 friend. A few weeks ago you were saying he ought 
 to pay it, that it would serve him right, and " 
 
 "Did I say that?" 
 
 " You did. You even said it to the Countess." 
 
 " But not with the view to making it possible for her 
 to hurry off and marry again. Please understand 
 that, Fred."
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 215 
 
 " He ought to pay what he owes. He gave a million 
 to get one husband for her. He ought to give a mil 
 lion to be rid of him, so that she could marry the next 
 one without putting him to any expense whatsoever. 
 It s only fair to her, I say. And now I ll tell you 
 something else: the Countess, who has stood out stub 
 bornly against the payment of this money, is now half 
 way inclined to advise the old gentleman to settle with 
 Tarnowsy." 
 
 " She is ? " I cried in astonishment. " How do you 
 know?" 
 
 " I told her I thought it was the cheapest and quick 
 est way out of it, and she said : I wonder ! : 
 
 " Have you been discussing her most sacred affairs 
 with her, you blithering " 
 
 " No, sir," said he, with dignity. " She has been 
 discussing them with me" 
 
 I have no recollection of what I said as I stalked out 
 of the room. He called out after me, somewhat plead 
 ingly, I thought: 
 
 " Ask Britton what he has to say about it." 
 
 Things had come to a pretty pass ! Couldn t a gentle 
 man be polite and agreeable to a young and charming 
 lady whom circumstances had thrown in his way without 
 having his motives misconstrued by a lot of snooping, 
 idiotic menials whose only zest in life sprung from a 
 temperamental tendency to belittle the big things and 
 enlarge upon the small ones ? What rot ! What utter 
 rot! Ask Britton! The more I thought of Poopen- 
 dyke s injunction the more furious I grew. What in 
 sufferable insolence ! Ask Britton ! The idea ! Ask 
 my valet! Ask him what? Ask him politely if he 
 could oblige me by telling me whether I was in love? 
 I suppose that is what Poopendyke meant.
 
 216 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 It was the silliest idea in the world. In the first 
 place I was not in love, and in the second place whose 
 business was it but mine if I were? Certainly not 
 Poopendyke s, certainly not Britton s, certainly not 
 the Schmicks ! Absolute lack of any sense of propor 
 tion, that s what ailed the whole bally of them. What 
 looked like love to them benighted dolts ! was no 
 more than a rather resolute effort on my part to be 
 kind to and patient with a person who had invaded my 
 home and set everybody including myself by the 
 ears. 
 
 But, even so, what right had my secretary to con 
 stitute himself adviser and mentor to the charming 
 invader? What right had he to suggest what she 
 should do, or what her father should do, or what any 
 body should do? He was getting to be disgustingly 
 officious. What he needed was a smart jacking up, a 
 little plain talk from me. Give a privileged and ad 
 mittedly faithful secretary an inch and he ll have you 
 up to your ears in trouble before you know what has 
 happened. By the same token, what right had she to 
 engage herself in confidential chats with But just 
 then I caught sight of Britton coming upstairs with 
 my neatly polished tan shoes in one hand and a pair of 
 number 3^A tan pumps in the other. Not expecting 
 to meet me in the hall, he had neglected to remove his 
 cap when he came in from the courtyard. In some 
 confusion, he tried to take it off, first with one hand, 
 then with the other, sustaining what one might desig 
 nate as absent treatment kicks on either jaw from two 
 distinct sexes in the shape of shoes. He managed to 
 get all four of them into one hand, however, and then 
 grabbed off his cap. 
 
 " Any think more, sir? " he asked, purely from habit.
 
 I was regarding the shoes with interest. Never have 
 I known anything so ludicrous as the contrast between 
 my stupendous number tens and the dainty pumps that 
 seemed almost babyish beside them. 
 
 Then I did the very thing I had excoriated Poopen- 
 dyke for even suggesting. I asked Britton! 
 
 " Britton, what s all this gossip I hear going the 
 rounds of the castle behind my back?" 
 
 Confound him, he looked pleased ! " It s quite true, 
 sir, quite true." 
 
 " Quite true ! " I roared. " What s quite true, 
 sir?" 
 
 " Isn t it, sir? " he asked, dismayed. 
 
 "Isn t what?" 
 
 " I mean to say, sir, isn t it true ? " 
 
 " My God ! " I cried, throwing up my hands in hope 
 less despair. " You you wait ! I m going to 
 get to the bottom of this. I want the truth, Britton. 
 Who put it into that confounded head of yours that 
 I am er in love with the Countess ? Speak ! 
 Who did it? " 
 
 He lowered his voice, presumably because I ha3 
 dropped mine to a very loud whisper. I also had 
 glanced over both shoulders. 
 
 " Begging your pardon, sir, but I must be honest, 
 sir. It was you as first put it into my ead, sir." 
 
 " I? " My face went the colour of a cardinal s cap. 
 
 " You, sir. It s as plain as the nose on your " 
 
 " That will do, Britton," I commanded. He re 
 mained discreetly silent. " That will do, I say," I 
 repeated, somewhat testily. " Do you hear, sir? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," he responded. " That will do, you says." 
 
 " Ahem ! I ahem ! " Somewhat clumsily I put 
 on my nose-glasses and made a pretext of examining
 
 218 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 his burden rather closely. " What s this you have 
 here." 
 
 " Shoes, sir." 
 
 " I see, I see. Let me have them." 
 
 He handed me my own. " The others, if you 
 please," I said, disdaining the number tens. " May 
 I inquire, sir, where you are taking these? " I had 
 the Countess s pumps in my hands. He explained that 
 he was going to drop mine in my room and then take 
 hers upstairs. " You may drop mine as you intended. 
 I shall take care of these." 
 
 " Very good, sir," said he, with such positive relief 
 in his voice that I glared at him. He left me standing 
 there, a small pump in each hand. 
 
 Five minutes later I was at her door, a pump in 
 each hand and my heart in my mouth. A sudden, in 
 explicable form of panic took possession of me. I 
 stood there ready to tap resoundingly on the panel of 
 the door with the heel of a slipper; I never raised my 
 hand for the purpose. 
 
 Instead of carrying out my original design, I de 
 veloped an overpowering desire to do nothing of the 
 sort. Why go on making a fool of myself? Why add 
 fuel to the already pernicious flame? Of course I was 
 not in love with her, the idea was preposterous. But, 
 just the same, the confounded servants were beginning 
 to gossip, and back stair scandal is the very worst 
 type. It was wrong for me to encourage it. Like a 
 ninny, I had just given Britton something to support 
 his contention, and he wouldn t be long in getting down 
 to the servants hall with the latest exhibit in the charge 
 against me. 
 
 Moreover, if every one was talking about it, what 
 was to prevent the silly gossip from reaching the sen- 
 
 J
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 219 
 
 sitive ears of the Countess? A sickening thought 
 struck me: could it be possible that the Countess her 
 self suspected me of being in love with her? A wom 
 an s vanity goes a long way sometimes. The thought 
 did not lessen the panic that afflicted me. I tip-toed 
 away from the door to a less exposed spot at the bend 
 in the stairway. 
 
 There, after some deliberation, I came to a decision. 
 The proper thing for me to do was to show all of them 
 that their ridiculous suspicions were wrong. I owed 
 it to the Countess, to say the least. She was my guest, 
 as it were, and it was my duty to protect her while she 
 was in my house. The only thing for me to do, there 
 fore, was to stay away from her. 
 
 The thought of it distressed me, but it seemed to be 
 the only way, and the fair one. No doubt she would 
 expect some sort of an explanation for the sudden in 
 difference on my part, but I could attribute everything 
 to an overpowering desire to work on my story. (I 
 have a habit of using my work as an excuse for not 
 doing a great many things that I ought to do.) 
 
 All this time I was regarding the small tan pumps 
 with something akin to pain in my eyes. I could not 
 help thinking about the tiny feet they sometimes cov 
 ered. By some sort of intuitive computation I ar 
 rived at the conclusion that they were adorably small, 
 and pink, and warm. Suddenly it occurred to me that 
 my present conduct was reprehensible, that no man of 
 honour would be holding a lady s pumps in his hands 
 and allowing his imagination to go too far. Reso 
 lutely I put them behind my back and marched down 
 stairs. 
 
 " Britton," said I, a few minutes later, " you may 
 take these up to the Countess, after all."
 
 220 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 He blinked his eyes. " Wasn t she at ome, sir? " 
 
 " Don t be insolent, Britton. Do as I tell you." 
 
 " Very good, sir." He held the pumps up to ad 
 mire them. " They re very cute, ain t they, sir ? " 
 
 " They are just like all pumps," said I, indiffer 
 ently, and walked away. If I could have been quile 
 sure that it was a chuckle I heard, I should have given 
 Britton something to think about for the rest of his 
 days. The impertinent rascal ! 
 
 For some two long and extremely monotonous days 
 I toiled. A chapter shaped itself after a fashion. 
 Even as I wrote, I knew that it wasn t satisfactory and 
 that I should tear it up the instant it was finished. 
 What irritated me more than anything else was the 
 certain conviction that Poopendyke, who typed it as I 
 progressed, also knew that it would go into the waste 
 paper basket. 
 
 Both nights I went to bed early and to sleep late. 
 I could not deny to myself that I was missing those 
 pleasant hours with the Countess. I did miss them. 
 I missed Rosemary and Jinko and Helen Marie Louise 
 Antoinette and Blake. 
 
 An atmosphere of gloom settled around Poopendyke 
 and Britton. They eyed me with a sort of pathetic 
 wonder in their faces. As time went on they began to 
 look positively forlorn and unhappy. Once or twice I 
 caught them whispering in the hallway. On seeing me 
 they assumed an air of nonchalance that brought a 
 grim smile to my lips. I was beginning to hate them. 
 Toward the end of the second day, the four Schmicks 
 became so aggravatingly doleful that I ordered them, 
 one and all, to keep out of my sight. Even the emo 
 tionless JHawkes and the perfect Blatchford were in 
 fected. I don t believe I ve ever seen a human face as
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 221 
 
 solemnly respectful as Hawkes was that night at din 
 ner. He seemed to be pitying me from the bottom of 
 his heart. It was getting on my nerves. 
 
 I took a stroll in the courtyard after dinner, and 
 I may be forgiven I hope for the few surreptitious 
 glances I sent upwards in the direction of the rear 
 windows in the eastern wing. I wondered what she 
 was doing, and what she was thinking of my extraordi 
 nary behaviour, and why the deuce she hadn t sent 
 down to ask me to come up and tell her how busy I 
 was. She had not made a single sign. The omission 
 was not particularly gratifying, to say the least. 
 
 Approaching the servants hall, I loitered. I heard, 
 voices, a mixture of tongues. Britton appeared to be 
 doing the most of the talking. Gradually I became 
 aware of the fact that he was explaining to the four 
 Schmicks the meaning of an expression in which must 
 have been incorporated the words " turned him down." 1 
 
 Hawkes, the impeccable Hawkes, joined in. " If I 
 know anything about it, I d say she has threw the ooks 
 into im." 
 
 Then they had to explain that to Conrad and Gretel, 
 who repeated " Ach, Gott " and other simple expletives 
 in such a state of misery that I could almost detect 
 tears in their voices. 
 
 "It ain t that, Mr. Awkes," protested Britton 
 loyally. " He s lost his nerve, that s wot it is. They 
 allus do when they realise ow bad they re hit. Turn 
 im down? Not much, Mr. Awkes. Take it from me, 
 Mr. Awkes, he s not going to give er the chawnce to 
 turn im down." 
 
 " Ach, Gott ! " said Gretel. I will stake my head that 
 she wrung her hands. 
 
 " Women is funny," said Hawkes. (I had no idea
 
 222 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 the wretch was so ungrammatical. ) " You can t put 
 your finger on em ever. While I aven t seen much of 
 the Countess during my present engagement, I will say 
 this: she has a lot more sense than people give er 
 credit for. Now why should she throw the ooks into a 
 fine, upstanding chap like im, even if he is an American? 
 She made a rotten bad job the first time, mind you. If 
 she has threw the ooks into im, as I am afeared, I 
 can t see wot the deuce ails er." 
 
 My perfect footman, Blatchford, ventured an 
 opinion, and I blessed him for it. " We may be off our 
 nuts on the ole bloomink business," said he. " Maybe 
 he as thrown the ooks into er. Who knows? It 
 looks that w y to me." (I remember distinctly that he 
 used the word " thrown " and I was of half a mind to 
 rush in and put him over Hawkes, there and then. ) 
 
 " In any case," said Britton, gloom in his voice, " it s 
 a most unhappy state of affairs. He s getting to be a 
 perfect crank. Complines about everything I do. He 
 won t ave is trousers pressed and he asn t been shaved 
 since Monday." 
 
 I stole away, rage in my soul. Or was it morti 
 fication? In any event, I had come to an irrevocable 
 decision: I would ship the whole lot of them, without 
 notice, before another day was gone. 
 
 The more I thought of the way I was being treated 
 by my own servants, and the longer I dwelt upon the 
 ignominious figure I must have presented as the hero of 
 their back-door romance, the angrier I got. I was an 
 object of concern to them, an object of pity! Con 
 found them, they were feeling sorry for me because I 
 had received my conge, and they were actually finding 
 fault with me for not taking it with a grin on my face ! 
 
 Before going to bed I went into the loggia (for tKe
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 223 
 
 first time in three days) and, keeping myself pretty 
 well hidden behind a projection in the wall, tried to get 
 a glimpse of the Countess s windows. Failing there, I 
 turned my steps in another direction and soon stood 
 upon my little balcony. There was no sign of her in 
 the windows, although a faint light glowed against the 
 curtains of a well-remembered room near the top of the 
 tower. 
 
 Ah, what a cosy, jolly room! What a delicious 
 dinner I had had there ! And what a supper ! Some 
 how, I found myself thinking of those little tan pumps. 
 As a matter of fact, they had been a source of annoy 
 ance to me for more than forty-eight hours. I had 
 found myself thinking of them at most inopportune 
 times, greatly to the detriment of my work as a realist. 
 
 It was cool on the balcony, and I was abnormally 
 warm, as might be expected. It occurred to me that I 
 might do worse than to sit out there in the cool of the 
 evening and enjoy a cigar or two three or four, if 
 necessary. 
 
 But, though I sat there until nearly midnight and 
 chattered my teeth almost out of my head with the cold, 
 she did not appear at her window. The aggravating 
 part of it was that while I was shivering out there in 
 the beastly raw, miasmic air, she doubtless was lying 
 on a luxurious couch before a warm fire in a dressing 
 gown and slippers, ah, slippers ! reading a novel 
 and thinking of nothing in the world but her own com 
 fort! And those rascally beggars presumed to think 
 that I was in love with a selfish, self-centred, spoiled 
 creature like that ! Rubbish ! 
 
 I am afraid that Poopendyke found me in a particu 
 larly irascible frame of mind the next morning. I know 
 that Britton did. I thought better of my determi-
 
 224 
 
 nation to discharge Britton. He was an exceptionally 
 good servant and a loyal fellow, so why should I de 
 prive myself of a treasure simply because the eastern 
 wing of my abode was inhabited by an unfeeling crea 
 ture who hadn t a thought beyond fine feathers and bon 
 bons? I was not so charitably inclined toward Hawkes 
 and Blatchford, who were in my service through an in 
 fluence over which I did not appear to have any control. 
 They would have to go. 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke," said I, after Blatchford had left 
 the breakfast room, " I want you to give notice f o 
 Hawkes and Blatchford to-day." 
 
 " Notice? " he exclaimed incredulously. 
 
 " Notice," said I, very distinctly. 
 
 He looked distressed. " I thought they were most 
 satisfactory to you." 
 
 " I ve changed my opinion." 
 
 " By Jove, Mr. Smart, I I don t know how the 
 Countess will take such high-handed ahem ! You see, 
 sir, she she was good enough to recommend them to 
 me. It will be quite a shock to " 
 
 " By the Lord Harry, Fred, am I to " 
 
 " Don t misunderstand me," he made haste to say. 
 " This is your house. You have a perfect right to hire 
 and discharge, but but Don t you think you d 
 better consider very carefully " He seemed to be 
 finding his collar rather tight. 
 
 I held up my hand. " Of course I do not care to 
 offend the Countess Tarnowsy. It was very kind of 
 her to recommend them. We we will let the matter 
 rest for a few days." 
 
 " She has informed me that you were especially 
 pleased with the manner in which they served the dinner 
 the other night. I think she said you regarded them as
 
 I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE 225 
 
 incomparable diadems, or something of the sort. It 
 may have been the champagne." 
 
 My thoughts leaped backward to that wonderful 
 dinner. " It wasn t the champagne," said I, very 
 stiffly. 
 
 " Do you also contemplate giving notice to the chef 
 and his wife, our only chambermaid? " 
 
 " No, I don t," I snapped. " I think they were in 
 bed." 
 
 He looked at me as if he thought I had gone crazy. 
 I wriggled uncomfortably in my chair for a second or 
 two, and then abruptly announced that we d better get 
 to work. I have never ceased to wonder what con 
 struction he could have put on that stupid slip of the 
 tongue. 
 
 I cannot explain why, but at the slightest unusual 
 sound that morning I found myself shooting an invol 
 untary glance at the imperturbable features of Ludwig 
 the Red. Sometimes I stopped in the middle of a sen 
 tence, to look and to listen rather more intently than 
 seemed absolutely necessary, and on each occasion I was 
 obliged to begin the sentence all over again, because, 
 for the life of me, I couldn t remember what it was I 
 had set out to say in dictation. Poopendyke had an 
 air of patient tolerance about him that irritated me in 
 tensely. More than once I thought I detected him in 
 the act of suppressing a smile. 
 
 At eleven o clock, Blatchford came to the door. His 
 ordinarily stoical features bore signs of a great, though 
 subdued excitement. I had a fleeting glimpse of 
 Britton in the distance, a sort of passing shadow, as 
 it were. 
 
 " A note for you, sir, if you please," said he. He 
 was holding the salver almost on a level with his nose.
 
 226 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 It seemed to me that he was looking at it out of the 
 corner of his eye. 
 
 My heart my incomprehensible heart gave a 
 leap that sent the blood rushing to my face. He ad j 
 vanced, not with his usual imposing tread but with a 
 sprightliness that pleased me vastly. I took the little 
 pearl grey envelope from the salver, and carelessly 
 glanced at the superscription. There was a curious 
 ringing in my ears. 
 
 " Thank you, Blatchf ord ; that will do." 
 
 " I beg pardon, sir, but there is to be an answer." 
 
 " Oh," said I. I had the feeling that at least fifty 
 eyes were upon me, although I am bound to admit that 
 both Poopendyke and the footman were actively en 
 gaged in looking in another direction. 
 
 I tore open the envelope. 
 
 " Have you deserted me entirely? Won t you please 
 come and see me? Thanks for the violets, but I can t 
 talk to violets, you know. Please come up for lunch 
 eon. 
 
 I managed to dash off a brief note in a fairly non 
 chalant manner. Blatchford almost committed the un 
 pardonable crime of slamming the door behind him, he 
 was in such a hurry to be off with the message. 
 
 Then I went over and stood above Mr. Poopendyke. 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke," said I slowly, darkly, " what do 
 you know about those violets?" 
 
 He quailed. " I hope you don t mind, Mr. Smart. 
 It s all right. I put one of your cards in, so that there 
 couldn t be any mistake."
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 
 
 HALFWAY up the winding stairways, I paused in some 
 astonishment. It had just occurred to me that I was 
 going up the steps two at a time and that my heart was 
 beating like mad. 
 
 I reflected. Here was I racing along like a school 
 boy, and wherefor? What occasion was there for such 
 unseemly haste? In the first place, it was now but a 
 few minutes after eleven, and she had asked me for 
 luncheon; there was no getting around that. At best 
 luncheon was two hours off. So why was I galloping 
 like this? The series of self-inflicted questions found 
 me utterly unprepared ; I couldn t answer one of them. 
 My brain somehow couldn t get at them intelligently; 
 I was befuddled. I progressed more slowly, more de 
 liberately, finally coming to a full stop in a sitting 
 posture in one of the window casements, where I lighted 
 a cigarette and proceeded to thresh the thing out in 
 my mind before going any farther. 
 
 The fundamental problem was this : why was I break 
 ing my neck to get to her before Blatchford had time 
 to deliver my response to her appealing little note? 
 It was something of a facer, and it set me to wondering. 
 Why was I so eager? Could it be possible that there 
 was anything in the speculation of my servants? I re 
 called the sensation of supreme delight that shot 
 through me when I received her note, but after that a 
 queer sort of oblivion seems to have surrounded me, 
 
 from which I was but now emerging in a timelv struggle 
 
 227
 
 228 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 for self-control. There was something really startling 
 about it, after all. 
 
 I profess to be a steady, level-headed, prosaic sort 
 of person, and this surprising reversion to extreme 
 youthfulness rather staggered me. In fact it brought 
 a cold chill of suspicion into existence. Grown-up 
 men do not, as a rule, fly off the head unless confronted 
 by some prodigious emotion, such as terror, grief or 
 guilt. And yet here was I going into a perfect ram 
 page of rapture over a simple, unconventional com 
 munication from a lady whom I had known for less than 
 a month and for whom I had no real feeling of sym 
 pathy whatever. The chill of suspicion continued to 
 increase. 
 
 If it had been a cigar that I was smoking it would 
 have gone out through neglect. A cigarette goes on 
 forever and smells. 
 
 After ten minutes of serious, undisturbed consider 
 ation of the matter, I came to the final conclusion that 
 it was not love but pity that had driven me to such ab 
 normal activity. It was nonsense to even argue the 
 point. 
 
 Having thoroughly settled the matter to my own, 
 satisfaction and relief, I acknowledged a feeling of 
 shame for having been so precipitous. I shudder to 
 think of the look she would have given me if I had burst 
 in upon her while in the throes of that extraordinary 
 seizure. Obviously I had lost my wits. Now I had 
 them once more, I knew what to do with them. First 
 of all, I would wait until one o clock before presenting 
 myself for luncheon. Clearly that was the thing to do. 
 Secondly, I would wait on this side of the castle instead 
 of returning to my own rooms, thereby avoiding a very 
 unpleasant gauntlet. Luckily I had profited by the
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 229 
 
 discussion in the servants quarters and was not wearing 
 a three days growth of beard. Moreover, I had taken 
 considerable pains in dressing that morning. Evi 
 dently a presentiment. 
 
 For an hour and a half by my watch, but five or six 
 by my nerves, I paced the lonely, sequestered halls in 
 the lower regions of the castle. Two or three times I 
 was sure that my watch had stopped, the hands seemed 
 so stationary. The third time I tried to wind it, I 
 broke the mainspring, but as it was nearly one o clock 
 not much harm was done. 
 
 That one little sentence, " Have you deserted me? " 
 grew to be a voluminous indictment. I could think of 
 nothing else. There was something ineffably sad and 
 pathetic about it. Had she been unhappy because of 
 my beastly behaviour? Was her poor little heart sore 
 over my incomprehensible conduct? Perhaps she had 
 cried through sheer loneliness But no ! It would 
 never do for me to even think of her in tears. I re 
 membered having detected tears in her lovely eyes early 
 in our acquaintance and the sight of them or the 
 sensation, if you please quite unmanned me. 
 
 At last I approached her door. Upon my soul, my 
 legs were trembling ! I experienced a silly sensation of 
 fear. A new problem confronted me: what was I to 
 say to her? Following close upon this came another 
 and even graver question: what would she say to me? 
 Suppose she were to look at me with hurt, reproachful 
 eyes and speak to me with a little quaver in her voice 
 as she held out her hand to me timidly what then? 
 What would become of me? By Jove, the answer that 
 flashed through my whole body almost deprived me of 
 reason ! 
 
 I hesitated, then, plucking up my courage and put-
 
 230 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 ting all silly questions behind me, I rapped resoundingly 
 on the door. 
 
 The excellent Hawkes opened it ! I started back in 
 dismay. He stood aside impressively. 
 
 " Mr. Smart ! " he announced. Damn it all ! 
 
 I caught sight of the Countess. She was arranging 
 some flowers on the table. Blatchford was placing the 
 knives and forks. Helen Marie Louise Antoinette 
 stood beside her mistress holding a box of flowers in her 
 hands. 
 
 What was it that I had been thinking out there in 
 those gloomy halls? That she would greet me with a 
 pathetic, hurt look and . . . 
 
 "Good morning!" she cried gaily. Hurt? Pa 
 thetic? She was radiant ! " So glad to see you again. 
 Hawkes has told me how busy you ve been." She dried 
 her hands on the abbreviated apron of Helen Marie 
 Louise Antoinette and then quite composedly extended 
 one for me to shake. 
 
 I bowed low over it. " Awfully, awfully busy," I 
 murmured. Was it relief at finding her so happy and 
 unconcerned that swept through me? I am morally, 
 but shamelessly certain it wasn t! 
 
 " Don t you think the roses are lovely in that old 
 silver bowl ? " 
 
 " Exquisite." 
 
 " Blatchford found it in the plate vault," she said, 
 standing off to admire the effect. " Do you mind if 
 I go on arranging them ? " she asked, and without 
 waiting for an answer resumed her employment. 
 
 " Bon jour, m sieur," said Helen Marie Louise An 
 toinette over her mistress s shoulder. One never knows 
 whether a French maid is polite or merely spiteful. 
 
 " It seems ages since I saw you last," said the Count-
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 231 
 
 ess in a matter-of-fact tone, jiggling a rose into posi 
 tion and then standing off to study the effect, her head 
 cocked prettily at an angle of inquiry. 
 
 It suddenly occurred to me that she had got on very 
 well without me during the ages. The discovery irri 
 tated me. She was not behaving at all as I had ex 
 pected. This cool, even casual reception certainly was 
 not in keeping with my idea of what it ought to have 
 been. " But Mr. Poopendyke has been awfully kind. 
 He has given me all the news." 
 
 Poopendyke! Had he been visiting her without my 
 knowledge or was I about to say consent? 
 
 " There hasn t been a great deal of news," I said. 
 
 She dropped a long-stemmed rose and waited for me 
 to pick it up. 
 
 " Thank you," she said. " Oh, did it prick you? " 
 
 " Yes," said I flatly. Then we both gave the closest 
 attention to the end of my thumb while I triumphantly 
 squeezed a tiny drop of blood out of it. I sucked it. 
 The incident was closed. She was no longer interested 
 in the laceration. 
 
 " Mr. Poopendyke knew how lonely I would be. He 
 telephoned twice a day." 
 
 I thought I detected a slight note of pique in her 
 voice. But it was so slight that it was hardly worth 
 while to exult. 
 
 " So you thought I had deserted you," I said, and 
 was a little surprised at the gruffness in my voice. 
 
 " The violets appeased me," she said, with a smile. 
 For the first time I noticed that she was wearing a large 
 bunch of them. " You will be bankrupt, Mr. Smart, if 
 you keep on buying roses and violets and orchids for 
 me." 
 
 So the roses were mine also! I shot a swift glance
 
 232 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 at the mantelpiece, irresistibly moved by some mysteri 
 ous force. There were two bowls of orchids there. I 
 couldn t help thinking of the meddling, over-zealous 
 geni that served the hero of Anstey s " Brass Bottle " 
 tale. He was being outdone by my efficacious secretary. 
 
 " But they are lovely," she cried, noting the ex 
 pression in my face and misconstruing it. " You are 
 an angel." 
 
 That was the last straw. " I am nothing of the 
 sort," I exclaimed, very hot and uncomfortable. 
 
 " You are," was her retort. " There ! Isn t it a 
 lovely centre-piece? Now, you must come and see 
 Rosemary. She adores the new elephant you sent to 
 her." 
 
 " Ele " I began, blinking my eyes. " Oh oh, 
 yes, yes. Ha, ha ! the elephant." Good Heavens, had 
 that idiotic Poopendyke started a menagerie in my 
 castle? 
 
 I was vastly relieved to find that the elephant was 
 made of felt and not too large to keep Rosemary from 
 wielding it skilfully in an assault upon the hapless 
 Jinko. She had it firmly gripped by the proboscis, 
 and she was shrieking with delight. Jinko was barking 
 in vain-glorious defence. The racket was terrible. 
 
 The Countess succeeded in quelling the disturbance, 
 and Rosemary ran up to kiss me. Jinko, who disliked 
 me because I looked like the Count, also ran up but his 
 object was to bite me. I made up my mind, there and 
 then that if I should ever, by any chance, fall in love 
 with his mistress I would inaugurate the courting 
 period by slaying Jinko. 
 
 Rosemary gleefully permitted me to sip honey from 
 that warm little spot on her neck, and I forgot many 
 odious things. As I held her in my arms I experienced
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 233 
 
 a vivid longing to have a child of my own, just like 
 Rosemary. 
 
 Our luncheon was not as gay nor as unconventional 
 as others that had preceded it. The Countess vainly 
 tried to make it as sprightly as its predecessors, but 
 gave over in despair in the face of my taciturnity. 
 Her spirits drooped. She became strangely uneasy 
 and, I thought, preoccupied. 
 
 "What is on your mind, Countess?" I asked rather 
 gruffly, after a painful silence of some duration. 
 
 She regarded me fixedly for a moment. She seemed 
 to be searching my thoughts. " You," she said very 
 succinctly. "Why are you so quiet, so funereal?" 
 I observed a faint tinge of red in her cheeks and an 
 ominous steadiness in her gaze. Was there anger also? 
 
 I apologised for my manners, and assured her that 
 my work was responsible. But her moodiness in 
 creased. At last, apparently at the end of her re 
 sources, she announced that she was tired: that after 
 we had had a cigarette she would ask to be excused, as 
 she wanted to lie down. Would I come to see her the 
 next day? 
 
 " But don t think of coming, Mr. Smart," she de 
 clared, " if you feel you cannot spare the time away 
 from your work." 
 
 I began to feel heartily ashamed of my boorishness. 
 After all, why should I expend my unpleasant humour 
 on her? 
 
 " My dear Countess," I exclaimed, displaying a 
 livelier interest than at any time before, " I shall be 
 delighted to come. Permit me to add that my work 
 may go hang." 
 
 Her face brightened. " But men must work," she 
 objected.
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Not when women are willing to play," I said. 
 
 " Splendid ! " she cried. " You are reviving. I feel 
 better. If you are going to be nice, I ll let you stay." 
 
 " Thanks. I ll do my best." 
 
 She seemed to be weighing something in her mind. 
 Her chin was in her hands, her elbows resting on the 
 edge of the table. She was regarding me with specu 
 lative eyes. 
 
 " If you don t mind what the servants are saying 
 about us, Mr. Smart, I am quite sure I do not." 
 
 I caught my breath. 
 
 " Oh, I understand everything," she cried mischiev 
 ously, before I could stammer anything in reply. 
 " They are building a delightful romance around us. 
 And why not? Why begrudge them the pleasure? 
 No harm can come of it, you see." 
 
 " Certainly no harm," I floundered. 
 
 " The gossip is confined to the castle. It will not go 
 any farther. We can afford to laugh in our sleeves, 
 can t we? " 
 
 " Ha, ha ! " I laughed in a strained effort, but not 
 into my sleeve. "I rejoice to hear you say that you 
 don t mind. No more do I. It s rather jolly." 
 
 "Fancy any one thinking we could possibly fall in 
 love with each other," she scoffed. Her eyes were very 
 bright. There was a suggestion of cold water in that 
 remark. 
 
 "Yes, just fancy," I agreed. 
 
 "Absurd!" 
 
 " But, of course, as you say, if they can get any 
 pleasure out of it, why should we object? It s a diffi 
 cult matter keeping a cook any way." 
 
 " Well, we are bosom friends once more, are we not? 
 I am so relieved."
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 235 
 
 " I suppose Poopendyke told you the the gossip ? " 
 
 " Oh, no ! I had it from my maid. She is perfectly 
 terrible. All French maids are, Mr. Smart. Beware 
 of French maids! She won t have it any other way 
 than that I am desperately in love with you. Isn t she 
 delicious ? " 
 
 "Eh? "I gasped. 
 
 " And she confides the wonderful secret to every one 
 in the castle, from Rosemary down to Jinko." 
 
 " Ton my soul ! " I murmured. 
 
 " And so now they all are saying that I am in love 
 with you," she laughed. " Isn t it perfectly lu 
 dicrous ? " 
 
 " Perfectly," I said without enthusiasm. My heart 
 sank like lead. Ludicrous? Was that the way it ap 
 peared to her ? I had a little spirit left. " Quite as 
 ludicrous as the fancy Britton has about me. He is 
 obsessed by the idea that I am in love with you. What 
 do you think of that? " 
 
 She started. I thought her eyes narrowed for a 
 second. " Ridiculous," she said, very simply. Then 
 she arose abruptly. " Please ring the bell for 
 Hawkes." 
 
 I did so. Hawkes appeared. " Clear the table, 
 Hawkes," she said. " I want you to read all these 
 newspaper clippings, Mr. Smart," she went on, pointing 
 to a bundle on a chair near the window. We crossed 
 the room. " Now that you know who I am, I insist on 
 your reading all that the papers have been saying 
 about me during the past five or six weeks." 
 
 I protested but she was firm. " Every one else 
 in the world has been reading about my affairs, so you 
 must do likewise. No, it isn t necessary to read all of 
 them. I will select the most lurid and the most glowing.
 
 236 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 You see there are two sides to the case. The papers 
 that father can control are united in defending my 
 action; the European press is just the other way. 
 Sit down, please. I ll hand them to you." 
 
 For an hour I sat there in the window absorbing the 
 astonishing history of the Tarnowsy abduction case. 
 I felt rather than observed the intense scrutiny with 
 which she favoured me. 
 
 At last she tossed the remainder of the bundle un 
 read, into a corner. Her face was aglow with pleasure. 
 
 " You ve read both sides, and I ve watched you 
 oh, so closely. You don t believe what the papers over 
 here have to say. I saw the scowls when you read the 
 translations that Mr. Poopendyke has typed for me. 
 Now I know that you do not feel so bitterly toward me 
 as you did at first." 
 
 I was resolved to make a last determined stand for 
 my original convictions. 
 
 " But our own papers, the New York, Boston, Phil 
 adelphia, Chicago j ournals, still voice, in a way, my 
 principal contention in the matter, Countess. They 
 deplore the wretched custom among the idle but am 
 bitious rich that made possible this whole lamentable 
 state of affairs. I mean the custom of getting a title 
 into the family at any cost." 
 
 " My dear Mr. Smart," she said seriously, " do you 
 really contend that all of the conjugal unhappiness and 
 unrest of the world is confined to the American girls 
 who marry noblemen? Has it escaped your notice that 
 there are thousands of unhappy marriages and equally 
 happy divorces in America every year in which noble 
 men do not figure at all ? Have you not read of count 
 less cases over there in which conditions are quite 
 similar to those which make the Tarnowsy fiasco so
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 237 
 
 notorious? Are not American women stealing their 
 children from American husbands? Are all American 
 husbands so perfect that Count Tarnowsy would ap 
 pear black among them? Are there no American men 
 who marry for money, and are there no American girls 
 given in marriage to wealthy suitors of all ages, creeds 
 and habits? Why do you maintain that an unfor 
 tunate alliance with a foreign nobleman is any worse 
 than an unhappy marriage with an ordinary American 
 brute? Are there no bad husbands in America? " 
 
 " All husbands are bad," I said, " but some are more 
 pre-eminently evil than others. I am not finding fault 
 with Tarnowsy as a husband. He did just what was 
 expected of him. He did what he set out to do. He 
 isn t to be blamed for living up to his creed. There 
 are bad husbands in America, and bad wives. But they 
 went into the game blindly, most of them. They didn t 
 find out their mistake until after the marriage. The 
 same statement applies to husbands and wives the 
 world over. I hold a brief only against the marriage 
 wherein the contracting parties, their families, their 
 friends, their enemies, their bankers and their creditors 
 know beforehand that it s a business proposition and 
 not a sacred compact. But we ve gone into all this 
 before. Why rake it up again." 
 
 " But there are many happy marriages between 
 American girls and foreign noblemen - dozens of them 
 that I could mention." 
 
 " I grant you that. I know of a few myself. But 
 I think if you will reflect for a moment you ll find that 
 money had no place in the covenant. They married 
 because they loved one another. The noblemen in 
 such cases are real noblemen, and their American wives 
 are real wives. There are no Count Tarnowsys among
 
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 240 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 buy off the Count to-morrow if I would permit him to 
 do so. Of late I have been thinking very seriously of 
 suggesting it to him. It would be the simplest way out 
 of our troubles, wouldn t it? A million is nothing to 
 my father." 
 
 " Nothing at all, I submit, in view of the fact that it 
 may be the means of saving you from a term in prison 
 for abducting Rosemary? " 
 
 She paled. " Do you really think they would put 
 me in prison? " 
 
 " Unquestionably," I pronounced emphatically. 
 
 " Oh, dear ! " she murmured. 
 
 " But they can t lock you up until they ve caught 
 you," said I reassuringly. " And I will see to it that 
 they do not catch you." 
 
 " I I am depending on you entirely, Mr. Smart," 
 she said anxiously. " Some day I may be in a position 
 to repay you for all the kindness " 
 
 " Please, please ! " 
 
 " and all the risk you are taking for me," she com 
 pleted. " You see, you haven t the excuse any longer 
 that you don t know my name and story. You are 
 liable to be arrested yourself for " 
 
 There came a sharp rapping on the door at this 
 instant a rather imperative, sinister rapping, if one 
 were to judge by the way we started and the way we 
 looked at each other. We laughed nervously. 
 
 " Goodness ! You d thing Sherlock Holmes himself 
 was at the door," she cried. " See who it is, please." 
 
 I went to the door. Poopendyke was there. He was 
 visibly excited. 
 
 " Can you come down at once, Mr. Smart? " he said 
 in a voice not meant to reach the ears of the Countess. 
 
 " What s up ? " I questioned sharply.
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 241 
 
 " The jig, I m afraid," he whispered sententiously. 
 Poopendyke, being a stenographer, never wasted words. 
 He would have made a fine playwright. 
 
 " Good Lord ! Detectives ? " 
 
 " No. Count Tarnowsy and a stranger." 
 
 " Impossible ! " 
 
 The Countess, alarmed by our manner, quickly 
 crossed the room. 
 
 " What is it? " she demanded. 
 
 "The Count is downstairs," I said. "Don t be 
 alarmed. Nothing can happen. You 
 
 She laughed. " Oh, is that all ? My dear Mr. 
 Smart, he has come to see you about the frescoes." 
 
 " But I have insulted him ! " 
 
 " Not permanently," she said. " I know him too 
 weM. He is like a leech. He has given you time to 
 reflect and therefore regret your action of the other 
 night. Go down and see him." 
 
 Poopendyke volunteered further information. 
 " There is also a man down there a cheap looking 
 person who says he must see the Countess Tarnowsy 
 at once." 
 
 " A middle-aged man with the upper button of his 
 waistcoat off? " she asked sharply. 
 
 "I I can t say as to the button." 
 
 " I am expecting one of my lawyers. It must be he. 
 He was to have a button off." 
 
 " I ll look him over again," said Poopendyke. 
 
 " Do. And be careful not to let the Count catch a 
 glimpse of him. That would be fatal." 
 
 " No danger of that. He went at once to old Con 
 rad s room." 
 
 " Good ! I had a note from him this morning, Mr. 
 Smart. He is Mr. Bangs of London."
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " May I inquire, Countess, how you manage to have 
 letters delivered to you here? Isn t it extremely dan 
 gerous to have them go through the mails ? " 
 
 " They are all directed to the Schmicks," she ex 
 plained. " They are passed on to me. Now go and 
 see the Count. Don t lend him any money." 
 
 " I shall probably kick him over the cliff," I said, 
 with a scowl. 
 
 She laid her hand upon my arm. " Be careful," she 
 said very earnestly, " for my sake." 
 
 Poopendyke had already started down the stairs. I 
 raised her hand to my lips. Then I rushed away, curs 
 ing myself for a fool, an ingrate, a presumptuous 
 bounder. 
 
 My uncalled-for act had brought a swift flush of 
 anger to her cheek. I saw it quite plainly as she 
 lowered her head and drew back into the shadow of the 
 curtain. Bounder! That is what I was for taking 
 advantage of her simple trust in me. Strange to say, 
 she came to the head of the stairs and watched me until 
 I was out of sight in the hall below. 
 
 The Count was waiting for me in the loggia. It was 
 quite warm and he fanned himself lazily with his broad 
 straw hat. As I approached, he tossed his cigarette 
 over the wall and hastened to meet me. There was a 
 quaint diffident smile on his lips. 
 
 " It is good to see you again, old fellow," he said, 
 with an amiability that surprised me. " I was afraid 
 you might hold a grievance against me. You Ameri 
 cans are queer chaps, you know. Our little tilt of the 
 other evening, you understand. Stupid way for two 
 grown-up men to behave, wasn t it? Of course, the 
 explanation is simple. We had been drinking. Men 
 do silly things in their cups."
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 243 
 
 Consummate assurance! I had not touched a drop 
 of anything that night. 
 
 " I assure you, Count Tarnowsy, the little tilt, as 
 you are pleased to call it, was of no consequence. I 
 had quite forgotten that it occurred. Sorry you re 
 minded me of it." 
 
 The irony was wasted. He beamed. " My dear 
 fellow, shall we not shake hands ? " 
 
 There was something irresistibly winning about him, 
 as I ve said before. Something boyish, ingenuous, 
 charming, what you will, that went far toward 
 accounting for many things that you who have never 
 seen him may consider incomprehensible. 
 
 A certain wariness took possession of me. I could 
 well afford to temporise. We shook hands with what 
 seemed to be genuine fervour. 
 
 " I suppose you are wondering what brings me here," 
 he said, as we started toward the entrance to the loggia, 
 his arm through mine. " I do not forget a promise, 
 Mr. Smart. You may remember that I agreed to fetch 
 a man from Munchen to look over your fine old frescoes 
 and to give you an estimate. Well, he is here, the very 
 best man in Europe." 
 
 " I am sure I am greatly indebted to you, Count," 
 I said, " but after thinking it over I ve " 
 
 " Don t say that you have already engaged some one 
 to do the work," he cried, in horror. " My dear fellow, 
 don t tell me that! You are certain to make a dread 
 ful mistake if you listen to any one but Schwartzmuller. 
 He is the last word in restorations. He is the best bet, 
 as you would say in New York. Any one else will make 
 a botch of the work. You will curse the day you " 
 
 I checked him. " I have virtually decided to let the 
 whole matter go over until next spring. However, I
 
 244 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 shall be happy to have Mr. Schwartzmuller s opinion. 
 We may be able to plan ahead." 
 
 A look of disappointment flitted across his face. 
 The suggestion of hard old age crept into his features 
 for a second and then disappeared. 
 
 " Delays are dangerous," he said. " My judgment 
 is that those gorgeous paintings will disintegrate more 
 during the coming winter than in all the years gone by. 
 They are at the critical stage. If not preserved now, 
 well, I cannot bear to think of the consequences. 
 Ah, here is Herr Schwartzmuller." 
 
 Just inside the door, we came upon a pompous yet 
 servile German who could not by any means have been 
 mistaken for anything but the last word in restoration. 
 I have never seen any one in my life whose appearance 
 suggested a more complete state of rehabilitation. 
 His frock coat was new, it had the unfailing smell of 
 new wool freshly dyed ; his shoes were painfully new ; 
 his gloves were new ; his silk hat was resplendently new ; 
 his fat jowl was shaved to a luminous pink; his gor 
 geous moustache was twisted up at the ends to such a 
 degree that when he smiled the points wavered in front 
 of his eyes, causing him to blink with astonishment. 
 He was undeniably dressed up for the occasion. My 
 critical eye, however, discovered a pair of well-worn 
 striped trousers badly stained, slightly frayed at the 
 bottom and inclined to bag outward at the knee. Per 
 haps I should have said that he was dressed up from the 
 knee. 
 
 " This is the great Herr Schwartzmuller, of the Im 
 perial galleries in Munchen," said the Count introduc 
 ing us. 
 
 The stranger bowed very profoundly and at the 
 same time extracted a business card from the tail pocket
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 245 
 
 of his coat. This he delivered to me with a smile which 
 seemed to invite me to participate in a great and 
 serious secret: the secret of irreproachable standing 
 as an art expert and connoisseur. I confess to a mis 
 taken impression concerning him up to the moment he 
 handed me his clumsy business card. My suspicions 
 had set him down as a confederate of Count Tarnowsy, 
 a spy, a secret agent or whatever you choose to con 
 sider one who is employed in furthering a secret pur 
 pose. But the business card removed my doubts and 
 misgivings. It stamped him for what he really was: 
 there is no mistaking a German who hands you his 
 business card. He destroys all possible chance for 
 discussion. 
 
 In three languages the card announced that he was 
 " August Schwartzmuller, of the Imperial galleries, 
 Munchen, Zumpe & Schwartzmuller, proprietors. Res 
 torations a specialty." There was much more, but I 
 did not have time to read all of it. Moreover, the card 
 was a trifle soiled, as if it had been used before. There 
 could be no doubt as to his genuineness. He was an 
 art expert. 
 
 For ten minutes I allowed them to expatiate on the 
 perils of procrastination in the treatment of rare old 
 canvases and pigments, and then, having formulated 
 my plans, blandly inquired what the cost would be. It 
 appears that Herr Schwartzmuller had examined the 
 frescoes no longer than six months before in the in 
 terests of a New York gentleman to whom Count Hoh- 
 endahl had tried to sell them for a lump sum. He 
 was unable to recall the gentleman s name. 
 
 " I should say not more than one hundred and fifty 
 thousand marks, perhaps less," said the expert, rolling 
 his calculative eye upward and running it along the
 
 246 A- FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 vast dome of the hall as if to figure it out in yards and 
 inches. 
 
 The Count was watching me with an eager light in 
 his eyes. He looked away as I shot a quick glance at 
 his face. The whole matter became as clear as day to 
 me. He was to receive a handsome commission if the 
 contract was awarded. No doubt his share would be 
 at least half of the amount stipulated. I had reason 
 to believe that the work could be performed at a profit 
 for less than half the figure mentioned by the German. 
 
 " Nearly forty thousand dollars, in other words," 
 said I reflectively. 
 
 " They are worth ten times that amount, sir," said 
 the expert gravely. 
 
 I smiled skeptically. The Count took instant alarm. 
 He realised that I was not such a fool as I looked, 
 perhaps. 
 
 " Hohendahl was once offered two hundred and fifty 
 thousand dollars, Mr. Smart," he said. 
 
 " Why didn t he accept it? " I asked bluntly. a He 
 sold the whole place to me, contents included, for less 
 than half that amount." 
 
 " It was years ago, before he was in such dire 
 straits," he explained quickly. 
 
 A terrible suspicion entered my head. I felt myself 
 turn cold. If the frescoes were genuine they were 
 worth all that Schwartzmuller declared ; that being the 
 case why should Hohendahl have let them come to me 
 for practically nothing when there were dozens of 
 collectors who would have paid him the full price? I 
 swallowed hard, but managed to control my voice. 
 
 " As a matter of fact, Count Tarnowsy," I said, re 
 sorting to unworthy means, " I have every reason to 
 believe that Hohendahl sold the originals sometime ago,
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 247 
 
 and had them replaced on the ceilings by clever imita 
 tions. They are not worth the canvas they are painted 
 on." 
 
 He started. I intercepted the swift look of appre 
 hension that passed from him to the stolid Schwartz- 
 muller, whose face turned a shade redder. 
 
 " Impossible ! " cried Tarnowsy sharply. 
 
 " By no means impossible," I said calmly, now sure 
 of my ground. " To be perfectly frank with you, I ve 
 known from the beginning that they are fakes. Your 
 friend, Count Hohendahl, is nobler than you give him 
 credit for being. He confessed to me at the time our 
 transaction took place that the frescoes were very 
 recent reproductions. The originals, I think, are in 
 London or New York." I saw guilt in the face of 
 Herr Schwartzmuller. His moustaches drooped with 
 the corners of his mouth ; he did not seem to be filling 
 out the frock coat quite so completely as when I first 
 beheld him. A shrewd suspicion impelled me to take 
 chances on a direct accusation. I looked straight into 
 the German s eyes and said: " Now that I come to think 
 of it, I am sure he mentioned the name of Schwartz 
 muller in connection with the " 
 
 " It is not true ! It is not true ! " roared the expert, 
 without waiting for me to finish. " He lied to you, we 
 the great firm of Zumpe & Schwartzmuller we 
 could not be tempted with millions to do such a thing." 
 
 I went a step farther in my deductions. Somehow 
 I had grasped the truth: this pair deliberately hoped 
 to swindle me out of forty thousand dollars. They 
 knew the frescoes were imitations and yet they were 
 urging me to spend a huge sum of money in restoring 
 canvases that had been purposely made to look old and 
 flimsy in order to deceive a more cautious purchaser
 
 248 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 than I. But, as I say, I went a step farther and de 
 liberately accused Count Tarnowsy. 
 
 " Moreover, Count Tarnowsy, you are fully aware 
 of all this." 
 
 " My dear fellow," 
 
 " I ll not waste words. You are a damned scoun 
 drel!" 
 
 He measured the distance with his eye and then 
 sprang swiftly forward, striking blindly at my face. 
 
 I knocked him down ! 
 
 Schwartzmuller was near the door, looking over his 
 shoulder as he felt for the great brass knob. 
 
 " Mein Gott ! " he bellowed. 
 
 " Stop ! " I shouted. " Come back here and take this 
 fellow away with you ! " 
 
 Tarnowsy was sitting up, looking about him in a 
 dazed, bewildered manner. 
 
 At that moment, Poopendyke came running down the 
 stairs, attracted by the loud voices. He was followed 
 closely by three or four wide-eyed glaziers who were 
 working on the second floor. 
 
 " In the name of heaven, sir ! " 
 
 " I ve bruised my knuckles horribly," was all that I 
 said. I seemed to be in a sort of a daze myself. I had 
 never knocked a man down before in my life. It was an 
 amazingly easy thing to do. I could hardly believe 
 that I had done it. 
 
 Tarnowsy struggled to his feet and faced me, quiver 
 ing with rage. I was dumbfounded to see that he was 
 not covered with blood. But he was of a light, yellow 
 ish green. I could scarcely believe my eyes. 
 
 " You shall pay for this ! " he cried. The tears 
 rushed to his eyes. " Coward ! Beast ! To strike a 
 defenceless man ! "
 
 I VISIT AND AM VISITED 249 
 
 His hand went swiftly to his breast pocket, and an 
 instant later a small revolver flashed into view. It wasi 
 then that I did another strange and incomprehensible 
 thing. With the utmost coolness I stepped forward 
 and wrested it from his hand. I say strange and in 
 comprehensible for the reason that he was pointing it 
 directly at my breast and yet I had not the slightest 
 sensation of fear. He could have shot me like a dog. 
 I never even thought of that. 
 
 " None of that ! " I cried sharply. " Now, will you 
 be good enough to get out of this house and stay 
 out?" 
 
 " My seconds will call on you " 
 
 " And they will receive just what you have received. 
 If you or any of your friends presume to trespass 
 on the privacy of these grounds of mine, I ll kick the 
 whole lot of you into the Danube. Hawkes! Either 
 show or lead Count Tarnowsy to the gates. As for 
 you, Mr. Schwartzmuller, I shall expose " 
 
 But the last word in restorations had departed.
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 
 
 MY humblest apologies, dear reader, if I have led you 
 to suspect that I want to be looked upon as a hero. 
 Far from patting myself on the back or holding my 
 chin a little higher because of the set-to in my baronial 
 halls, I confess to a feeling of shame. In my study, 
 where the efficient Blatchford put arnica and bandages 
 on my swollen knuckles, I solemnly declared in the 
 presence of those who attended the clinic (my entire 
 establishment was there to see that I had the proper 
 attention and to tell me how happy they were that it 
 wasn t any worse) I say, I declared to all of them 
 that I was an unmitigated fool and undeserving of the 
 slightest mead of praise. 
 
 They insisted upon making a hero of me, and might 
 have succeeded, had not the incomparable Britton made 
 the discovery that the Count s revolver was not loaded ! 
 Still, they vociferated, I could not have known that at 
 the time of the encounter, nor was it at all likely that 
 the Count knew it himself. 
 
 I confess to an inward and shameless glory, how 
 ever, in the realisation that I had been able to punch 
 the head of the man who had lived with and abused that 
 lovely creature upstairs. He had struck her on more 
 than one occasion, I had it from her own lips. Far 
 worse than that, he had kissed her! But of course I 
 had not knocked him down for that. I did it because 
 
 it was simpler than being knocked down myself. 
 
 250
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 251 
 
 The worst feature of the whole unhappy business 
 was the effect it was likely to have upon my commonly 
 pacific nature. Heretofore I had avoided physical en 
 counters, not because I was afraid of the result, but 
 because I hate brutal, unscientific manifestations of 
 strength. Now, to my surprise, I found that it was a 
 ridiculously easy matter to knock a man down and end 
 the squabble in short order, thereby escaping a great 
 deal in the shape of disgusting recriminations, and com 
 ing off victorious with nothing more vital in the way of 
 wounds than a couple of bruised knuckles. (No doubt, 
 with practice, one could even avoid having his knuckles 
 barked.) 
 
 Was it not probable, therefore, that my habitual 
 tendency to turn away wrath with a soft answer might 
 suffer a more or less sanguinary shock? Now that I 
 had found out how simple it was, would I not be satis 
 fied to let my good right hand settle disputes for me 
 with uniform certainty and despatch? Heaven is my 
 witness that I have no desire to be regarded as a bruiser. 
 I hope that it may never fall to my lot to again knock 
 a man down. But if it should be necessary, I also wish 
 to record the hope that the man may be a husband who 
 has mistreated his wife. 
 
 In the course of Blatchford s ministrations I was 
 regaled with eloquent descriptions of the manner in 
 which my late adversary took his departure from the 
 castle. He went forth vowing vengeance, calling down 
 upon my head all the maledictions he could lay his 
 tongue to, and darkly threatening to have me driven 
 out of the country. I was not to expect a call from 
 his seconds. He would not submit his friends to the 
 indignities they were sure to encounter at the hands 
 of a barbarian of my type. But, just the same, I
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 would hear from him. I would regret the day, etc., 
 etc. 
 
 I had forgotten Mr. Bangs, the lawyer. Sitting 
 alone in my study, late in the afternoon, smoking a 
 solitary pipe of peace, I remembered him: the man 
 with the top button off. What had become of him? 
 His presence (or, more accurately, his absence) sud 
 denly loomed up before me as the forerunner of an un 
 welcome invasion of my preserves. He was, no doubt, 
 a sort of advance agent for the Titus family and its 
 immediate ramifications. 
 
 Just as I was on the point of starting out to make 
 inquiries concerning him, there came to my ears the 
 sound of tapping on the back of Red Ludwig s portrait. 
 Not until then did it occur to me that I had been wait 
 ing for two hours for that simple manifestation of 
 interest and curiosity from the regions above. 
 
 I rushed over and rapped resoundingly upon Lud 
 wig s pudgy knee. The next instant there was a click 
 and then the secret door swung open, revealing the 
 eager, concerned face of my neighbour. 
 
 " What has happened ? " she cried. 
 
 I lifted her out of the frame. Her gaze fell upon 
 the bandaged fist. 
 
 " Mr. Bangs spoke of a pistol. Don t tell me that 
 he he shot you ! " 
 
 I held up my swollen hand rather proudly. It 
 smelled vilely of arnica. 
 
 " This wound was self-inflicted, my dear Countess," 
 I said, thrilled by her expression of concern. " I had 
 the exquisite pleasure and pain of knocking your 
 former husband down." 
 
 " Oh, splendid ! " she cried, her eyes gleaming with 
 excitement. " Mr. Bangs was rather hazy about it,
 
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 253 
 
 and he would not let me risk telephoning. You knocked 
 Maris down? " 
 
 " Emphatically," said I. 
 
 She mused. " I think it is the first time it has 
 ever happened to him. How how did he like it?" 
 
 " It appeared to prostrate him." 
 
 She smiled understandingly. " I am glad you did 
 it, Mr. Smart." 
 
 " If I remember correctly, you once said that he had 
 struck you, Countess." 
 
 Her face flushed. " Yes. On three separate oc 
 casions he struck me in the face with his open hand. 
 I I testified to that effect at the trial. Every one 
 seemed to look upon it as a joke. He swore that they 
 were were love pats." 
 
 " I hope his lack of discrimination will not lead him 
 to believe that I was delivering a love pat," said I, 
 grimly. 
 
 " Now, tell me everything that happened," she said, 
 seating herself in my big armchair. Her feet failed to 
 touch the floor. She was wearing the little tan pumps. 
 
 When I came to that part of the story where I ac 
 cused Tarnowsy of duplicity in connection with the 
 frescoes, she betrayed intense excitement. 
 
 " Of course it was all a bluff on my part," I ex 
 plained. 
 
 " But you were nearer the truth than you thought," 
 she said, compressing her lips. After a moment she 
 went on : " Count Hohendahl sold the originals over 
 three years ago. I was here with Maris at the time 
 of the transaction and when the paintings were re 
 moved. Maris acted as an intermediary in the deal. 
 Hohendahl received two hundred thousand dollars for 
 the paintings, but they were worth it. I have reason
 
 254 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 to believe that Maris had a fourth of the amount for 
 his commission. So, you see, you were right in your 
 surmise." 
 
 " The infernal rascal ! Where are the originals, 
 Countess ? " 
 
 " They are in my father s villa at Newport," she 
 said. " I intended speaking of this to you before, but 
 I was afraid your pride would be hurt. Of course, I 
 should have spoken if it came to the point where you 
 really considered having those forgeries restored." 
 
 " Your father bought them? " 
 
 " Yes. While we were spending our honeymoon here 
 in Schloss Rothhoefen, Mr. Smart," she said. Her 
 face was very pale. 
 
 I could see that the dark associations filled her mind, 
 and abruptly finished my tale without further reference 
 to the paintings. 
 
 " He will challenge you," she said nervously. " I 
 am so sorry to have placed you in this dreadful posi 
 tion, Mr. Smart. I shall never forgive myself for " 
 
 " You are in no way concerned in what happened 
 to-day," I interrupted. " It was a purely personal 
 affair. Moreover, he will not challenge me." 
 
 " He has fought three duels," she said. " He is 
 not a physical coward." Her dark eyes were full of 
 dread. 
 
 I hesitated. " Would you be vitally interested in 
 the outcome of such an affair? " I asked. My voice 
 was strangely husky. 
 
 " Oh, how can you ask? " 
 
 " I mean, on Rosemary s account," I stammered. 
 " He he is her father, you see. It would mean " 
 
 " I was not thinking of the danger to him, Mr. 
 Smart," she said simply.
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 25 
 
 " But can t you see how dreadful it would be if 
 were to kill Rosemary s father ? " I cried, complete! 
 forgetting myself. " Can t you see ? " 
 
 A slow flush mounted to her brow. " That is pre 
 cisely what I was thinking, Mr. Smart. It would be - 
 unspeakably dreadful." 
 
 I stood over her. My heart was pounding heavilj 
 She must have seen the peril that lay in my eyes, fo 
 she suddenly slipped out of the chair and faced m< 
 the flush dying in her cheek, leaving it as pale as ivorj 
 
 " You must not say anything more, Mr. Smart," st 
 said gently. 
 
 A bitter smile came to my lips, and I drew back wit 
 a sickening sense of realisation. There was nothin 
 more to be said. But I now thoroughly understoo 
 one thing : I was in love with her ! . . . 
 
 I am something of a philosopher. I submit tha 
 my attitude at the time of my defeat at the hands c 
 the jeweller s clerk proves the point conclusively. I 
 I failed at that time to inspire feelings of love in th 
 breast of a giddy stenographer, what right had I t 
 expect anything better from the beautiful Countes 
 Tarnowsy, whose aspirations left nothing to the imag 
 nation? While she was prone to chat without visib] 
 restraint at this significantly trying moment, I, bein 
 a philosopher, remained silent and thoughtful. Quii 
 before I knew it, I was myself again: a steady, seli 
 reliant person who could make the best of a situatioi 
 who could take his medicine like a man. Luckily, th 
 medicine was not so bitter as it might have been if 
 had made a vulgar, impassioned display of my emotion: 
 Thank heaven, I had that to be thankful for. 
 
 She was speaking of the buttonless lawyer, Mi 
 Bangs. " He is waiting to see you this evening, Mi
 
 256 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 Smart, to discuss ways and means of getting mj mother 
 and brothers into the castle without discovery by the 
 spies who are undoubtedly watching their every move." 
 
 I drew in another long, deep breath. " It seems to 
 me that the thing cannot be done. The risk is tre 
 mendous. Why not head her off? " 
 
 " Head her off? You do not know my mother, Mr. 
 Smart. She has made up her mind that her place is 
 here with me, and there isn t anything in the world that 
 can head her off, as you say." 
 
 "But surely you see the danger?" 
 
 " I do. I have tried to stop her. Mr. Bangs has 
 tried to stop her. So has father. But she is coming. 
 We must arrange something." 
 
 I was pacing the floor in front of her. She had re 
 sumed her place in the chair. 
 
 " My deepest regret, Countess, lies in the fact that 
 our little visits will be well, at an end. Our delight 
 ful little suppers and " 
 
 " Oh, but think of the comfort it will be to you, not 
 having me on your mind all of the time. I shall not 
 be lonesome, I shall not be afraid, I shall not be for 
 ever annoying you with selfish demands upon your good 
 nature. You will have time to write without interrup 
 tion. It will be for the best." 
 
 " No," said I, positively. " They were jolly par 
 ties, and I shall miss them." 
 
 She looked away quickly. "And, if all goes well, 
 I shall soon be safely on my way to America. Then 
 you will be rid of me completely." 
 
 I was startled. " You mean that there is a plan 
 afoot to to smuggle you out of the country?" 
 
 " Yes. And I fear I shall have to trouble you again 
 when it comes to that. You must help me, Mr. Smart."
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 257 
 
 I nodded slowly. Help her to get away? I hadn t 
 thought of that lately. The prospect left me rather 
 cold and sick. 
 
 "I ll do all that I can, Countess." 
 
 She smiled faintly, but I was certain that I detected 
 a challenge, a rather unkind challenge, in her eyes. 
 " You will come to see me in New York, of course." 
 
 I shook my head. " I am afraid we are counting 
 our chickens before they re hatched. One or the other 
 of us may be in jail for the next few years." 
 
 "Heavens!" " 
 
 " But I ll come to see you in New York, if you ll let 
 me," I cried, trying to repair the damage I had done. 
 "I was jesting when I spoke of jail." 
 
 Her brow was puckered in thought. " It has just oc 
 curred to me, my dear friend, that even if I do get safely 
 away, you will be left here to face the consequences. 
 When it becomes known that you sheltered me, the au 
 thorities may make it extremely uncomfortable for 
 you." 
 
 " I m not worrying about that." 
 
 " Just the same, it is something to worry about," 
 she said, seriously. " Now, here is what I have had in 
 mind for a long, long time. Why don t you come with 
 me when I leave? That will be the safest plan." 
 
 " You are not in earnest ! " 
 
 " Assuredly. The plan is something like this : I 
 am to be taken by slow stages, overland, to a small 
 Mediterranean port. One of a half-dozen American 
 yachts now cruising the sea will be ready to pick me up. 
 Doesn t it seem simple? " 
 
 " It seems simple enough," said I. " But there are 
 a lot of * ifs between here and the little port you 
 hope to reach. It will not be an easy matter to man-
 
 258 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 age the successful flight of a party as large as yours 
 will be." 
 
 " Oh," she cried, " I shall be quite alone, except for 
 Rosemary and Blake, and Mr. Bangs." 
 
 " But your mother? You can t leave her here." 
 
 " You will have to smuggle her out of the castle a 
 day or two in advance. It is all thought out, Mr. 
 Smart." 
 
 " By Jove ! " I exclaimed, with more irascibility than 
 I intended to show. " If I succeed in doing all that is 
 expected of me, I certainly will be entitled to more than 
 an invitation to come and see you in New York." 
 
 She arose and laid her fingers upon my bandaged 
 hand. The reckless light had died out of her eyes. 
 
 " I have thought that out, too, Mr. Smart," she 
 said, quietly. " And now, good-bye. You will come 
 up to see Mr. Bangs to-night?" 
 
 Considerably mystified by her remark, I said I would 
 come, and then assisted her through the opening in the 
 wall. She smiled back at me as the portrait swung into 
 place. 
 
 What did she mean? Was it possible that she meant 
 to have old man Titus reward me in a pecuniary way? 
 The very thought of such a thing caused me to double 
 up my fist my recently discovered fist ! and to 
 swear softly under my breath. After a few moments I 
 was conscious of a fierce pain in the back of my hand. 
 
 Bangs was a shrewd little Englishman. As I shook 
 hands with him using my left hand with a superflu 
 ous apology I glanced at the top of his waistcoat. 
 There was no button missing. 
 
 " The Countess sewed it on for me," he said drily, 
 reading my thoughts.
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 259 
 
 I stayed late with them, discussing plans. He had 
 strongly advised against any attempt on Mrs. Titus s 
 part to enter her daughter s hiding-place, but had been 
 overruled. I conceived the notion, too, that he was a 
 very strong-minded man. What then must have been 
 the strength of Mrs. Titus s resolution to overcome the 
 objections he put in her way? 
 
 He, too, had thought it all out. Everybody seems 
 to have thought everything out with a single exception, 
 myself. His plan was not a bad one. Mrs. Titus 
 and her sons were to enter the castle under cover of 
 night, and I was to meet them in an automobile at a 
 town some fifteen kilometers away, where they would 
 leave the train while their watchers were asleep, and 
 bring them overland to Schloss Rothhoefen. They 
 would be accompanied by a single lady s maid and no 
 luggage. A chartered motor boat would meet us up- 
 the river a few miles, and well, it looked very simple ! 
 All that was required of me was a willingness to address 
 her as " Mother " and her sons as " brothers " in case 
 there were any questions asked. 
 
 This was Tuesday. They, were coming on Thurs 
 day, and the train reached the station mentioned at 
 half-past twelve at night. So you will see it was a 
 jolly arrangement. 
 
 I put Mr. Bangs up in my best guest-chamber, and, 
 be it said to my credit, the Countess did not have to sug 
 gest it to me. As we said good night to her on the 
 little landing at the top of the stairs, she took my 
 bandaged paw between her two little hands and said: 
 
 " You will soon be rid of me forever, Mr. Smart. 
 Will you bear with me patiently for a little while 
 longer?" There was a plaintive, appealing note in 
 her voice. She seemed strangely subdued.
 
 260 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " I can bear with you much easier than I can bear 
 the thought of being rid of you," I said in a very low- 
 voice. She pressed my clumsy hand fiercely, and I felt 
 no pain. 
 
 " You have been too good to me," she said in a very 
 small voice. * Some day, when I am out of all this 
 trouble, I may be able to tell you how much I ap 
 preciate all you have done for me." 
 
 An almost irresistible I was about to say un 
 governable impulse to seize her in my arms came over 
 me, but I conquered it and rushed after Mr. Bangs, as 
 blind as a bat and reeling for a dozen steps or more. 
 It was a most extraordinary feeling. 
 
 I found myself wondering if passion had that effect 
 on all men. If this was an illustration of what a real 
 passionate love could do to a sensible, level-headed per 
 son, then what, in heaven s name, was the emotion I had 
 characterised as love during my placid courtship of the 
 faintly remembered typewriter? There had been no 
 such blinding, staggering sensation as this. No 
 thoughts of physical contact with my former inamorata 
 had left me weak and trembling and dazed as I was at 
 this historic moment. 
 
 Bangs was chattering in his glib English fashion as 
 we descended to my study, but I did not hear half that 
 he said. He looked surprised at two or three of the 
 answers I made to his questions, and I am sure there 
 were several of them that I didn t respond to at all. 
 He must have thought me an unmannerly person. 
 
 One remark of his brought me rather sharply to my 
 senses. I seemed capable of grasping its awful sig 
 nificance when all the others had gone by without no 
 tice. 
 
 " If all goes well," he was saying, " she should be
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 261 
 
 safely away from here on the fourteenth. That leaves 
 less than ten days more, sir, under your hospitable 
 roof." 
 
 " Less than ten days," I repeated. This was the 
 fifth of the month. " If all goes well. Less than ten 
 days." 
 
 Again I passed a sleepless night. A feeling of the 
 utmost loneliness and desolation grew up within me. 
 Less than ten days ! And then she would be " safely 
 away " from me. She and Rosemary ! There was a 
 single ray of brightness in the gloom that shrouded 
 my thoughts : she had urged me to fly away with her. 
 She did not want to leave me behind to face the perils 
 after she was safely out of them. God bless her for 
 thinking of that ! 
 
 But of course what little common sense and judg 
 ment I had left within me told me that such a course 
 was entirely out of the question. I could not go away 
 with her. I could do no more than to see her safely 
 on her way to the queer little port on the east coast of 
 Italy. Then I should return to my bleak, joyless 
 castle, to my sepulchre, and suffer all the tor 
 ments of the damned for days and weeks until word 
 came that she was actually safe on the other side of the 
 Atlantic. 
 
 What courage, what pluck she had! Criminal? 
 No, a thousand times, no! She was claiming her own, 
 her dearest own. The devil must have been in the peo 
 ple who set themselves up as judges to condemn her for 
 fighting so bravely for that which God had given her. 
 Curse them all! ... I fear that my thoughts be 
 came more and more maudlin as the interminable night 
 went on. 
 
 Always they came back to the sickening realisation
 
 262 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 that I was to lose her in ten days, and that my castle 
 would be like a tomb. 
 
 Of course the Hazzards and the Billy Smiths were 
 possible panaceas, but what could they bring to ease 
 the pangs of a secret nostalgia? Nothing but their 
 own blissful contentment, their own happiness to make 
 my loneliness seem all the more horrible by contrast. 
 Would it not be better for me to face it alone? Would 
 it not be better to live the life of a hermit? 
 
 She came to visit me at twelve o clock the next day. 
 I was alone in the study. Poopendyke was showing 
 Mr. Bangs over the castle. 
 
 She was dressed in a gown of some soft grey ma 
 terial, and there was a bunch of violets at her girdle. 
 
 " I came to dress your hand for you," she said as 
 I helped her down from Red Ludwig s frame. 
 
 Now I have neglected to mention that the back of 
 my hand was swollen to enormous proportions, an 
 unlovely thing. 
 
 " Thank you," I said, shaking my head ; " but it is 
 quite all right. Britton attended to it this morning. 
 It is good of you to think about it, Countess. It 
 isn t " 
 
 " I thought about it all night," she said, and I 
 could believe her after the light from the windows had 
 fallen upon her face. There were dark circles under 
 her eyes and she was quite pale. Her eyes seemed 
 abnormally large and brilliant. " I am so sorry not 
 to be able to do one little thing for you. Will you not 
 let me dress it after this ? " 
 
 I coloured. " Really, it it is a most trifling 
 bruise," I explained, " just a little black and blue, 
 that s all. Pray do not think of it again." 
 
 " You will never let me do anything for you," she
 
 said. Her eyes were velvety. " It isn t fair. I have 
 exacted so much from you, and " 
 
 " And I have been most brutal and unfeeling in many 
 of the things I have said to you," said I, despairingly. 
 " I am ashamed of the nasty wounds I have given you. 
 My state of repentance allows you to exact whatso 
 ever you will of me, and, when all is said and done, I 
 shall still be your debtor. Can you will you pardon 
 the coarse opinions of a conceited ass? I assure you 
 I am not the man I was when you first encountered 
 me." 
 
 She smiled. " For that matter, I am not the same 
 woman I was, Mr. Smart. You have taught me three 
 things, one of which I may mention: the subjection of 
 self. That, with the other two, has made a new Aline 
 Titus of me. I hope you may be pleased with the 
 transfiguration." 
 
 " I wish you were Aline Titus," I said, struck by the 
 idea. 
 
 " You may at least be sure that I shall not remain 
 the Countess Tarnowsy long, Mr. Smart," she said, 
 with a very puzzling expression in her eyes. 
 
 My heart sank. " But I remember hearing you say 
 not so very long ago that you would never marry 
 again," I railed. 
 
 She regarded me rather oddly for a moment. " I 
 am very, very glad that you are such a steady, sensible, 
 practical man. A vapid, impressionable youth, during 
 this season of propinquity, might have been so foolish 
 as to fall in love with me, and that would have been 
 too bad." 
 
 I think I glared at her. ** Then, then, you are 
 going to marry some one? " 
 
 She waited a moment, looking straight into my eyes.
 
 264 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Yes," she said, and a delicate pink stole into her 
 cheek, " I am going to marry some one." 
 
 I muttered something about congratulating a lucky 
 dog, but it was all very hazy to me. 
 
 " Don t congratulate him yet," she cried, the flush 
 deepening. " I may be a very, very great disappoint 
 ment to him, and a never-ending nuisance." 
 
 " I m sure you will will be all right," I floundered. 
 Then I resorted to gaiety. " You see, I ve spent a lot 
 of time trying to to make another woman of you, 
 and so I m confident he ll find you quite satisfactory." 
 
 She laughed gaily. " What a goose you are ! " she 
 cried. 
 
 I flushed painfully, for, I give you my word, it hurt 
 to have her laugh at me. She sobered at once. 
 
 " Forgive me," she said very prettily, and I forgave 
 her. " Do you know we ve never given the buried 
 treasure another thought? " she went on, abruptly 
 changing the subject. " Are we not to go searching 
 for it?" 
 
 " But it isn t there," said I, steeling my heart against 
 the longing that tried to creep into it. " It s all 
 balderdash." 
 
 She pouted her warm red lips. " Have you lost inter 
 est in it so soon? " 
 
 " Of course, 111 go any time you say," said I, life 
 lessly. " It will be a lark, at all events." 
 
 " Then we will go this very afternoon," she said, 
 with enthusiasm. 
 
 My ridiculous heart gave a great leap. " This very 
 afternoon," I said, managing my voice very well. 
 
 She arose. " Now I must scurry away. It would 
 not do for Mr. Bangs to find me here with you. He 
 would be shocked."
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 265 
 
 I walked beside her to the chair that stood below 
 the portrait of Ludwig the Red, and took her hand to 
 assist her in stepping upon it. 
 
 " I sincerely hope this chap you re going to marry, 
 Countess, may be the best fellow in the world," said I, 
 still clasping her hand. 
 
 She had one foot on the chair as she half-turned to 
 face me. 
 
 " He is the best fellow in the world," she said. 
 
 I gulped. " I can t tell you how happy I shall be 
 if you if you find real happiness. You deserve hap 
 piness and love." 
 
 She gripped my hand fiercely. " I want to be happy ! 
 I want to be loved ! Oh, I want to be loved ! " she 
 cried, so passionately that I turned away, unwilling to 
 be a witness to this outburst of feeling on her part. 
 She slipped her hand out of mine and a second later was 
 through the frame. I had a fleeting glimpse of a slim, 
 adorable ankle. " Good-bye," she called back in a voice 
 that seemed strangely choked. The spring in the gold 
 mirror clicked. A draft of air struck me in the face. 
 She was gone. 
 
 " What an infernal fool you ve been," I said to my 
 self as I stood there staring at the black hole in the 
 wall. Then, I gently, even caressingly swung old Lud 
 wig the Red into place. There was another click. 
 The incident was closed. 
 
 A very few words are sufficient to cover the expedi 
 tion in quest of the legendary treasures of the long 
 dead Barons. Mr. Bangs accompanied us. Britton 
 carried a lantern and the three Schmicks went along 
 as guides. We found nothing but cobwebs. 
 
 " Conrad," said I, as we emerged from the last of 
 the underground chambers, " tell me the truth : was
 
 266 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 there ever such a thing as buried treasure in this 
 abominable hole? " 
 
 " Yes, mein herr," he replied, with an apologetic 
 grin ; " but I think it was discovered three years ago 
 by Count Hohendahl and Count Tarnowsy." 
 
 We stared at him. " The deuce you say ! " cried I, 
 with a quick glance at the Countess. She appeared to 
 be as much surprised as I. 
 
 " They searched for a month," explained the old 
 man, guiltily. " They found something in the walls 
 of the second tier. I cannot say what it was, but they 
 were very, very happy, my lady." He now addressed 
 her. " It was at the time they went away and did not 
 return for three weeks, if you remember the time." 
 
 " Remember it ! " she cried bitterly. " Too well, 
 Conrad." She turned to me. " We had been married 
 less than two months, Mr. Smart." 
 
 I smiled rather grimly. " Count Tarnowsy appears 
 to have had a great run of luck in those days." It was 
 a mean remark and I regretted it instantly. To my 
 surprise she smiled perhaps patiently and im 
 mediately afterward invited Mr. Bangs and me to dine 
 with her that evening. She also asked Mr. Poopen- 
 dyke later on. 
 
 Poopendyke! An amazing, improbable idea entered 
 my head. Poopendyke! 
 
 The next day I was very busy, preparing for the 
 journey by motor to the small station down the line 
 where I was to meet Mrs. Titus and her sons. It 
 seemed to me that every one who knew anything what 
 ever about the arrangements went out of his way to fill 
 my already rattle-brained head with advice. I was ad-
 
 I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO 267 
 
 vised to be careful at least one hundred times ; first in 
 regard to the running of the car, then as to road direc 
 tions, then as to the police, then as to the identity of 
 the party I was to pick up ; but more often than any 
 thing else, I was urged to be as expeditious as possible 
 and to look out for my tires. 
 
 In order to avoid suspicion, I rented a big German 
 touring car for a whole month, paying down a lump sum 
 of twelve hundred marks in advance. On Thursday 
 morning I took it out for a spin, driving it myself 
 part of the time, giving the wheel to Britton the re 
 mainder. 
 
 (The year before I had toured Europe pretty ex 
 tensively in a car of the same make, driving alternately 
 with Britton, who besides being an excellent valet was 
 a chauffeur of no mean ability, having served a London- 
 actress for two years or more, which naturally meant 
 that he had been required to do a little of everything.) 
 
 We were to keep the car in a garage across the 
 river, drive it ourselves, and pay for the up-keep. We 
 were therefore quite free to come and go as we pleased, 
 without the remotest chance of being questioned. In 
 fact, I intimated that I might indulge in a good bit of 
 joy-riding if the fine weather kept up. 
 
 Just before leaving the castle for the ferry trip 
 across the river that evening, I was considerably sur 
 prised to have at least a dozen brand new trunks de 
 livered at my landing stage. It is needless to say that 
 they turned out to be the property of Mrs. Titus, 
 expressed by grande vitesse from some vague city in 
 the north of Germany. They all bore the name 
 " Smart, U. S. A.," painted in large white letters on 
 each end, and I was given to understand that they 
 belonged to my own dear mother, who at that moment, I
 
 268 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 am convinced, was sitting down to luncheon in the 
 Adirondacks, provided her habits were as regular as I 
 remembered them to be. 
 
 I set forth with Britton at nine o clock, in a driz 
 zling rain. There had been no rain for a month. 
 The farmers, the fruit-raisers, the growers of grapes 
 and all the birds and beasts of the field had been beg 
 ging for rain for weeks. No doubt they rejoiced in 
 the steady downpour that came at half-past nine, but 
 what must have been their joy at ten when the very 
 floodgates of heaven opened wide and let loose all the 
 dammed waters of July and August (and perhaps some 
 that was being saved up for the approaching Septem 
 ber!) I have never known it to rain so hard as it did 
 on that Thursday night in August, nor have I ever 
 ceased reviling the fate that instituted, on the very 
 next day, a second season of drought that lasted for 
 nearly six weeks. 
 
 But we went bravely through that terrible storm, 
 Britton and I, and the vehement Mercedes, up hill and 
 down-, over ruts and rocks, across bridges and under 
 them, sozzling and swishing and splashing in the path 
 of great white lights that rushed ahead of us through 
 the gloom. At half-past eleven o clock we were skid 
 ding over the cobblestones of the darkest streets I have 
 ever known, careening like a drunken sailor but not 
 half as surely, headed for the Staatsbahnhof, to which 
 we had been directed by an object in a raincoat who 
 must have been a policeman but who lookeci more like a 
 hydrant. 
 
 " Britton," said I, wearily, " have you ever seen any 
 thing like it?" 
 
 " Once before, sir," said he. " Niagara Falls, sir."
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 I TEA VERSE THE NIGHT 
 
 WE were drenched to the skin and bespattered with 
 mud, cold and cheerless but full of a grim excitement^ 
 Across the street from the small, poorly lighted rail 
 way station there was an eating-house. Leaving the 
 car in the shelter of a freight shed, we sloshed through 
 the shiny rivulet that raced between the curbs and en 
 tered the clean, unpretentious little restaurant. 
 
 There was a rousing smell of roasted coffee per 
 vading the place. A sleepy German waiter first came 
 up and glanced sullenly at the mud-tracks we left upon 
 the floor ; then he allowed his insulting gaze to trail our 
 progress to the lunch counter by means of a perfect 
 torrent of rain-water drippings. He went out of the 
 room grumbling, to return a moment later with a huge 
 mop. Thereupon he ordered us out of the place, stand 
 ing ready with the mop to begin the cleansing process 
 the instant we vacated the stools. It was quite clear 
 to both of us that he wanted to begin operations at the 
 exact spot where we were standing. 
 
 " Coffee for two," said I, in German. To me any 
 thing uttered in the German language sounds gruff 
 and belligerent, no matter how gentle its meaning. 
 That amiable sentence : " Ich liebe dich " is no excep 
 tion ; to me it sounds relentless. I am confident that I 
 asked for coffee in a very mild and ingratiating tone, in 
 direct contrast to his command to get out, and was 
 
 somewhat ruffled by his stare of speechless rage. 
 
 269
 
 270 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Zwei," said Britton, pointing to the big coffee 
 urn. 
 
 The fellow began mopping around my feet in 
 fact, he went so far as to mop the tops of them and a 
 little way up my left leg in his efforts to make a good, 
 clean job of it. 
 
 " Stop that ! " I growled, kicking at the mop. Be 
 fore I could get my foot back on the floor he skilfully 
 swabbed the spot where it had been resting, a feat of 
 celerity that I have never seen surpassed. " Damn it, 
 don t ! " I roared, backing away. The resolute mop 
 followed me like the spectre of want. Fascinated, I 
 found myself retreating to the doorway. 
 
 Britton, resourceful fellow, put an end to his en 
 deavours by jumping upon the mop and pinning it to 
 the floor very much as he would have stamped upon a 
 wounded rat. 
 
 The fellow called out lustily to some one in the 
 kitchen, at the same time giving the mop handle a 
 mighty jerk. If you are expecting me to say that Brit 
 ton came to woe, you are doomed to disappointment. 
 It was just the other way about. Just as the prodi 
 gious yank took place, my valet hopped nimbly from 
 the mop, and the waiter sat down with a stunning 
 thud. 
 
 I do not know what might have ensued had not the 
 proprietress of the place appeared at that instant, 
 coming from the kitchen. She was the cook as well, 
 and she was large enough to occupy the space of at 
 least three Brittons. She was huge beyond descrip 
 tion. 
 
 " Wass iss ? " she demanded, pausing aghast. Her 
 voice was a high, belying treble. 
 
 I shall not attempt to describe in detail all that
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 271 
 
 followed. It is only necessary to state that she re 
 moved the mop from the hands of the quaking menial 
 and fairly swabbed him out into the thick of the rain 
 storm. 
 
 While we were drinking our hot, steaming coffee and 
 gorging ourselves with frankfurters, the poor wretch 
 stood under the eaves with his face glued to the window, 
 looking in at us with mournful eyes while the drippings 
 from the tiles poured upon his shoulders and ran in 
 rivulets down his neck. I felt so sorry for him that I 
 prevailed upon the muttering, apologetic hostess to 
 take him in again. She called him in as she might have 
 called a dog, and he edged his way past her with the 
 same scared, alert look in his eyes that one always sees 
 in those of an animal that has its tail between its legs. 
 
 She explained that he was her nephew, just off the 
 farm. Her sister s son, she said, and naturally not as 
 intelligent as he ought to be. 
 
 While we were sitting there at the counter, a train 
 roared past the little station. We rushed to the door 
 in alarm. But it shot through at the rate of fifty 
 miles an hour. I looked at my watch. It still wanted 
 half-an-hour of train time, according to the schedule. 
 
 " It was the express, mem herr," explained the 
 woman. " It never stops. We are too small yet. 
 Some time we may be big enough." I noticed that her 
 eyes were fixed in some perplexity on the old clock 
 above the pie shelves. " Ach ! But it has never been 
 so far ahead of time as to-night. It is not due for 
 fifteen minutes yet, and here it is gone yet." 
 
 " Perhaps your clock is slow," I said. " My watch 
 says four minutes to twelve." 
 
 Whereupon she heaped a tirade of abuse upon the 
 shrinking Hans for letting the clock lose ten minutes
 
 272 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 of her valuable time. To make sure, Hans set it for 
 ward nearly half an hour while she was looking the 
 other way. Then he began mopping the floor again. 
 
 At half-past twelve the train from Munich drew up 
 at the station, panted awhile in evident disdain, and 
 then moved on. 
 
 A single passenger alighted: a man with a bass viol. 
 There was no sign of the Tituses! 
 
 We made a careful and extensive search of the sta 
 tion, the platform and even the surrounding neighbour 
 hood, but it was quite evident that they had not left 
 the train. Here was a pretty pass! Britton, how 
 ever, had the rather preposterous idea that there might 
 be another train a little later on. It did not seem at 
 all likely, but we made inquiries of the station agent. 
 To my surprise and to Britton s infernal British 
 delight there was a fast train, with connections from 
 the north, arriving in half an hour. It was, however, 
 an hour late, owing to the storm. 
 
 "Do you mean that it will arrive at two o clock? " 
 I demanded in dismay. 
 
 " No, no," said the guard ; " it will arrive at one 
 but not until two. It is late, mein herr." 
 
 We dozed in the little waiting-room for what I con 
 sider to be the longest hour I ve ever known, and then 
 hunted up the guard once more. He blandly informed 
 me that it was still an hour late. 
 
 " An hour from now? " I asked. 
 
 " An hour from two," said he, pityingly. What 
 ignorant lummixes we were! 
 
 Just ten minutes before three the obliging guard 
 came in and roused us from a mild sleep. 
 
 " The train is coming, mein herr." 
 
 " Thank God ! "
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 273 
 
 " But I neglected to mention that it is an express and 
 never stops here." 
 
 My right hand was still in a bandage, but it was 
 so nearly healed that I could have used it without dis 
 comfort (note my ability to drive a motor car) 
 and it was with the greatest difficulty that I restrained 
 a mad, devilish impulse to strike that guard full upon 
 the nose, from which the raindrops coursed in an in 
 terrupted descent from the visor of his cap. 
 
 The shrill, childish whistle of the locomotive 
 reached us at that instant. A look of wonder sprang 
 into the eyes of the guard. 
 
 " It it is going to stop, mein herr," he cried. 
 " Gott in himmel ! It has never stopped before." He 
 rushed out upon the platform in a great state of agi 
 tation, and we trailed along behind him, even more ex 
 cited than he. 
 
 It was still raining, but not so hard. The glare of 
 the headlight was upon us for an instant and then, 
 passing, left us in blinding darkness. The brakes 
 creaked, the wheels grated and at last the train came 
 to a standstill. For one horrible moment I thought it 
 was going on through in spite of its promissory signal. 
 Britton went one way and I the other, with our um 
 brellas ready. Up and down the line of wagon lits 
 we raced. A conductor stepped down from the last 
 coach but one, and prepared to assist a passenger to 
 alight. I hastened up to him. 
 
 " Permit me," I said, elbowing him aside. 
 
 A portly lady squeezed through the vestibule and 
 felt her way carefully down the steps. Behind her was 
 a smallish, bewhiskered man, trying to raise an um 
 brella inside the narrow corridor, a perfectly impossible 
 feat.
 
 274 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 She came down into my arms with the limpness of one 
 who is accustomed to such attentions, and then wheeled 
 instantly upon the futile individual on the steps above. 
 
 " Quick ! My hat ! Heaven preserve us, how it 
 rains ! " she cried, in a deep, wheezy voice and in 
 German ! 
 
 " Moth " I began insinuatingly, but the sacred 
 word died unfinished on my lips. The next instant I 
 was scurrying down the platform to where I saw Brit- 
 ton standing. 
 
 " Have you seen them? " I shouted wildly. 
 
 " No, sir. Not a sign, sir. Ah ! See ! " 
 
 He pointed excitedly down the platform. 
 
 " No ! " I rasped out. " By no possible stretch of 
 the imagination can that be Mrs. Titus. Come! We 
 must ask the conductor. That woman? Good Lord, 
 Britton, she waddles! * 
 
 The large lady and the smallish man passed us on 
 the way to shelter, the latter holding an umbrella over 
 her hat with one hand and lugging a heavy hamper in 
 the other. They were both exclaiming in German. 
 The station guard and the conductor were bowing 
 and scraping in their wake, both carrying boxes and 
 bundles. 
 
 No one else had descended from the train. I grabbed 
 the conductor by the arm. 
 
 " Any one else getting off here ? " I demanded in 
 English and at once repeated it in German. 
 
 He shook himself loose, dropped the bags in the 
 shelter of the station house, doffed his cap to the im 
 perious backs of his late passengers, and scuttled back 
 to the car. A moment later the train was under way. 
 
 " Can you not see for yourself? " he shouted from 
 the steps as he passed me by.
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 275 
 
 Once more I swooped down upon the guard. He 
 was stuffing the large German lady into a small, lop 
 sided carriage, the driver of which was taking off his 
 cap and putting it on again after the manner of a 
 mechanical toy. 
 
 " Go away," hissed the guard angrily. " This is 
 the Mayor and the Mayoress. Stand aside! Can t 
 you see? " 
 
 Presently the Mayor and the Mayoress were snugly 
 stowed away in the creaking hack, and it rattled away 
 over the cobblestones. 
 
 " When does the next train get in ? " I asked for 
 the third time. He was still bowing after the depart 
 ing hack. 
 
 "Eh? The next? Oh, mein herr, is it you?" 
 
 " Yes, it is still I. Is there another train soon ? " 
 
 " That was Mayor Berg and his wife," he said, tak 
 ing off his cap again in a sort of ecstasy. " The ex 
 press stops for him, eh? Ha! It stops for no one 
 else but our good Mayor. When he commands it to 
 stop it stops " 
 
 " Answer my question," I thundered, " or I shall re 
 port you to the Mayor ! " 
 
 " Ach, Gott ! " he gasped. Collecting his thoughts, 
 he said : " There is no train until nine o clock in the 
 morning. Nine, mein herr." 
 
 "Ach, Gott!" groaned I. "Are you sure?" 
 
 " Jah ! You can go home now and go to bed, sir. 
 There will be no train until nine and I will not be on 
 duty then. Good night ! " 
 
 Britton led me into the waiting-room, where I sat 
 down and glared at him as if he were to blame for 
 everything connected with our present plight. 
 
 " I daresay we d better be starting ome, sir," said
 
 276 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 he timidly. " Something as gone wrong with the 
 plans, I fear. They did not come, sir." 
 
 " Do you think I am blind? " I roared. 
 
 " Not at all, sir," he said in haste, taking a step or 
 two backward. 
 
 Inquiries at the little eating-house only served to 
 verify the report of the station-guard. There would 
 be no train before nine o clock, and that was a very 
 slow one ; what we would call a " local " in the States. 
 Sometimes, according to the proprietress, it was so 
 slow that it didn t get in at all. It had been known to 
 amble in as late as one in the afternoon, but when it 
 happened to be later than that it ceased to have an 
 identity of its own and came in as a part of the two 
 o clock train. Moreover, it carried nothing but third- 
 class carriages and more often than not it had as many 
 as a dozen freight cars attached. 
 
 There was not the slightest probability that the 
 fastidious Mrs. Titus would travel by such a train, so 
 we were forced to the conclusion that something had 
 gone wrong with the plans. Very dismally we prepared 
 for the long drive home. 
 
 What could have happened to upset the well-arranged 
 plan? Were Tarnowsy s spies so hot upon the trail 
 that it was necessary for her to abandon the attempt 
 to enter my castle? In that case, she must have sent 
 some sort of a message to her daughter, apprising her 
 of the unexpected change ; a message which, unhappily 
 for me, arrived after my departure. It was not likely 
 that she would have altered her plans without letting us 
 know, and yet I could not shake off an exasperating 
 sense of doubt. If I were to believe all that Bangs 
 said about the excellent lady, it would not be unlike 
 her to do quite as she pleased in the premises without
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 277 
 
 pausing to consider the comfort or the convenience of 
 any one else interested in the undertaking. A selfish 
 desire to spend the day in Lucerne might have over 
 taken her en passant, and the rest of us could go hang 
 for all that she cared about consequences ! 
 
 I am ashamed to confess that the longer I consid 
 ered the matter, the more plausible this view of the 
 situation appeared to me. By the time we succeeded 
 in starting the engine, after cranking for nearly half 
 an hour, I was so consumed by wrath over the scurvy 
 trick she had played upon us that I swore she should 
 not enter my castle if I could prevent it ; moreover, I 
 would take fiendish delight in dumping her confounded 
 luggage into the Danube. 
 
 I confided my views to Britton who was laboriously 
 cranking the machine and telling me between grunts 
 that the " bloody water ad got into it," and we both 
 resorted to painful but profound excoriations without 
 in the least departing from our relative positions as 
 master and man: he swore about one abomination 
 and I another, but the gender was undeviatingly the 
 same. 
 
 We also had trouble with the lamps. 
 
 At last we were off, Britton at the wheel. I shall 
 not describe that diabolical trip home. It is only nec 
 essary to say that we first lost our way and went ten 
 or twelve kilometers in the wrong direction ; then we 
 had a blow-out and no quick-detachable rim ; subse 
 quently something went wrong with the mud-caked ma 
 chinery and my unfortunate valet had to lie on his back 
 in a puddle for half an hour; eventually we sneaked 
 into the garage with our trembling Mercedes, and 
 quarrelled manfully with the men who had to wash her. 
 
 " Great heaven, Britton ! " I groaned, stopping short
 
 278 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 in my sloshy progress down the narrow street that led 
 to the ferry. 
 
 He looked at me in astonishment. I admit that the 
 ejaculation must have sounded weak and effeminate to 
 him after what had gone before. 
 
 " What is it, sir? " he asked, at once resuming his 
 status as a servant after a splendid hiatus of five hours 
 or more in which he had enjoyed all of the by-products 
 of equality. 
 
 " Poopendyke ! " I exclaimed, aghast. " I have just 
 thought of him. The poor devil has been waiting for 
 us three miles up the river since midnight! What do 
 you think of that ! " 
 
 " No such luck, sir," said he, grumpily. 
 
 " Luck ! You heartless rascal ! What do you mean 
 by that? " 
 
 " I beg pardon, sir. I mean to say, he could sit 
 in the boat ouse and twiddle is thumbs at the elements, 
 sir. Trust Mr. Poopendyke to keep out of the rain." 
 
 " In any event, he is still waiting there for us, wet or 
 dry. He and the two big Schmicks." I took a mo 
 ment for thought. " We must telephone to the castle 
 and have Hawkes send Conrad out with word to them." 
 I looked at my watch. It was twenty minutes past 
 seven. " I suppose no one in the castle went to bed 
 last night. Good Lord, what a scene for a farce ! " 
 
 We retraced our steps to the garage, where Britton 
 went to the telephone. I stood in the doorway of the 
 building, staring gloomily, hollow-eyed at the well, 
 at nothing, now that I stop to think of it. The man 
 ager of the place, an amiable, jocund descendant of 
 Lazarus, approached me. 
 
 " Quite a storm last night, Mr. Schmarck," he said, 
 rubbing his hands on an oil-rag. I gruffly agreed with
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 279 
 
 him in a monosyllable. " But it is lovely to-day, sir. 
 Heavenly, sir." 
 
 "Heavenly?" I gasped. 
 
 " Ah, but look at the glorious sun," he cried, waving 
 the oil-rag in all directions at once. 
 
 The sun ! Upon my word, the sun was shining 
 fiercely. I hadn t noticed it before. The tops of the 
 little red-tiled houses down the street glistened in the 
 glare of sunshine that met my gaze as I looked up at 
 them. Suddenly I remembered that I had witnessed the 
 sunrise, a most doleful, dreary phenomenon that over 
 took us ten miles down the valley. I had seen it but 
 it had made no impression on my tortured mind. The 
 great god of day had sprung up out of the earth to 
 smile upon me or at me and I had let him go un 
 noticed, so black and desolate was the memory of the 
 night he destroyed ! I had only a vague recollection of 
 the dawn. The thing that caused me the most con 
 cern was the discovery that we had run the last half of 
 our journey in broad daylight with our acetylene lamps 
 going full blast. I stared at the tiles, blinking and 
 unbelieving. 
 
 " Well, I m dashed," I said, with a silly grin. 
 
 " The moon will shine to-night, Mr. Schmarck " he 
 began insinuatingly. 
 
 " Smart, if you please," I snapped. 
 
 " Ah," he sighed, rolling his eyes, " it is fine to be 
 in love." 
 
 A full minute passed before I grasped the meaning 
 of that soft answer, and then it was too late. He had 
 gone about his business without waiting to see whether 
 my wrath had been turned away. I had been joy-rid 
 ing! 
 
 The excitement in Britton s usually imperturbable
 
 280 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 countenance as he came running up to me from the tele 
 phone closet prepared me in a way for the startling 
 news that was to come. 
 
 " Has anything serious happened ? " I cried, my 
 heart sinking a little lower. 
 
 " I had Mr. Poopendyke himself on the wire, sir. 
 What do you think, sir? " 
 
 A premonition! "She she has arrived?" I de 
 manded dully. 
 
 He nodded. " She as, sir. Mrs. your mother, 
 sir, is in your midst." The proximity of the inquisitive 
 manager explains this extraordinary remark on the 
 part of my valet. We both glared at the manager and 
 he had the delicacy to move away. " She arrived by a 
 special train at twelve lawst night, sir." 
 
 I was speechless. The brilliant sunshine seemed to 
 be turning into sombre night before my eyes ; every 
 thing was going black. 
 
 " She s asleep, he says, and doesn t want to be dis 
 turbed till noon, so he says he can t say anything more 
 just now over the telephone because he s afraid of 
 waking er." (Britton drops them when excited.) 
 
 " He doesn t have to shout so loud that he can be 
 heard on the top floor," said I, still a trifle dazed. 
 
 " She appens to be sleeping in your bed, sir, he 
 says." 
 
 " In my bed ? Good heavens, Britton ! What s to 
 become of me? " 
 
 " Don t take it so ard, sir," he made haste to say. 
 " Blatchford as fixed a place for you on the couch in 
 your study, sir. It s all very snug, sir." 
 
 " But, Britton," I said in horror, " suppose that I 
 
 should have come home last night. Don t you see?" 
 
 " I daresay she ad the door locked, sir," he said.
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 281 
 
 " By special train," I mumbled. A light broke in 
 upon my reviving intellect. " Why, it was the train 
 that went through at a mile a minute while we were in 
 the coffee-house. No wonder we didn t meet her ! " 
 
 " I shudder to think of wot would ave appened if 
 we had, sir," said he, meaning no doubt to placate me. 
 " Mr. Poopendyke says the Countess as been up all 
 night worrying about you, sir. She has been dis 
 tracted. She wanted im to go out and search for you 
 at four o clock this morning, but he says he assured 
 er you d turn up all right. He says Mrs. the elderly 
 lady, begging your pardon, sir, thought she was do 
 ing for the best when she took a special. She wanted 
 to save us all the trouble she could. He says she was 
 very much distressed by our failure to ave some one 
 meet her with a launch when she got here last night, sir. 
 As it was, she didn t reach the castle until nearly one, 
 and she looked like a drowned rat when she got there, 
 being hex exposed to a beastly rainstorm. See wot 
 I mean? She went to bed in a dreadful state, he says, 
 but he thinks she ll be more pleasant before the day is 
 over." 
 
 I burst into a fit of laughter. " Hurray ! " I 
 shouted, exultantly. " So she was out in it too, eh? 
 Well, by Jove, I don t feel half as badly as I did five 
 minutes ago. Come! Let us be off." 
 
 We started briskly down the street. My spirits were 
 beginning to rebound. Poopendyke had said that she 
 worried all night about me! She had been distracted! 
 Poor little woman ! Still I was glad to know that she 
 had the grace to sit up and worry instead of going to 
 sleep as she might have done. I was just mean enough 
 to be happy over it. 
 
 Poopendyke met us on the town side of the river.
 
 282 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 He seemed a trifle haggard, I thought. He was not 
 slow, on the other hand, to announce in horror-struck 
 tones that I looked like a ghost. 
 
 " You must get those wet clothes off at once, Mr. 
 Smart, and go to bed with a hot water bottle and ten 
 grains of quinine. You ll be very ill if you don t. 
 Put a lot more elbow grease into those oars, Max. 
 Get a move on you. Do you want Mr. Smart to die 
 of pneumonia? " 
 
 While we were crossing the muddy river, my secre 
 tary, his teeth chattering with cold and excitement 
 combined, related the story of the night. 
 
 " We were just starting off for the boat-house up 
 the river, according to plans, Max and Rudolph and 
 I with the two boats, when the Countess came down in a 
 mackintosh and a pair of gum boots and insisted upon 
 going along with us. She said it wasn t fair to make 
 you do all the work, and all that sort of thing, and I 
 was having the devil s own time to induce her to go back 
 to the castle with Mr. Bangs. While we were arguing 
 with her, and it was getting so late that I feared we 
 wouldn t be in time to meet you, we heard some one 
 shouting on the opposite side of the river. The voice 
 sounded something like Britton s, and the Countess 
 insisted that there had been an accident and that you 
 were hurt, Mr. Smart, and nothing would do but we 
 must send Max and Rudolph over to see what the 
 trouble was. It was raining cats and dogs, and I 
 realised that it would be impossible for you to get 
 a boatman on that side at that hour of the night, it 
 was nearly one, so I sent the two Schmicks across. 
 I ve never seen a night as dark as it was. The two lit 
 tle lanterns bobbing in the boat could hardly be seen 
 through the torrents of rain, and it was next to im-
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 283 
 
 possible to see the lights on the opposite landing stage 
 just a dull, misty glow. 
 
 " To make the story short, Mrs. Titus and her sons 
 were over there, with absolutely no means of crossing 
 the river. There were no boatmen, the ferry had 
 stopped, and they were huddled under the eaves of the 
 wharf building. Everything was closed and locked up 
 for the night. The night-watchman and a policeman 
 lit the pier lamps for them, but that s as far as they d 
 go. It took two trips over to fetch the whole party 
 across. Raining pitchforks all the time, you under 
 stand. Mrs. Titus was foaming at the mouth because 
 you don t own a yacht or at least a launch with a 
 canopy top, or a limousine body, or something of the 
 sort. 
 
 "I didn t have much of a chance. to converse with 
 her. The Countess tried to get her upstairs in the east 
 wing but she wouldn t climb another step. I forgot to 
 mention that the windlass was out of order and she had 
 to climb the hill in mud six inches deep. The Schmicks 
 carried her the last half of the distance. She insisted 
 on sleeping in the hall or the study, anywhere but up 
 stairs. I assumed the responsibility of putting her in 
 your bed, sir. It was either that or " 
 
 I broke in sarcastically : " You couldn t have put her 
 into your bed, I suppose." 
 
 " Not very handily, Mr. Smart," he said in an injured 
 voice. " One of her sons occupied my bed. Of course, 
 it was all right, because I didn t intend to go to bed, as 
 it happened. The older son went upstairs with the 
 Countess. She gave up her bed to him, and then she 
 and I sat up all night in the study waiting for a tele 
 phone message from you. The younger son explained 
 a good many things to us that his mother absolutely re-
 
 284 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 fused to discuss, she was so mad when she got here. It 
 seems she took it into her head at the last minute to 
 charter a special train, but forgot to notify us of the 
 switch in the plans. She travelled by the regular train 
 from Paris to some place along the line, where she got 
 out and waited for the special which was following 
 along behind, straight through from Paris, too. A 
 woeful waste of money, it seemed to me. Her idea was 
 to throw a couple of plain-clothes men off the track, 
 and, by George, sir, she succeeded. They thought she 
 was changing from a train to some place in Switzerland, 
 and went off to watch the other station. Then she 
 sneaked aboard the special, which was chartered clear 
 through to Vienna. See how clever she is? If they 
 followed on the next train, or telegraphed, it would 
 naturally be to Vienna. She got off at this place and 
 well, we have her with us, sir, as snug as a bug in a 
 rug." 
 
 " What is she like, Fred? " I inquired. I confess 
 that I hung on his reply. 
 
 " I have never seen a wet hen, but I should say, on a 
 guess, that she s a good bit like one. Perhaps when 
 she s thoroughly dried out she may not be so bad, but 
 " He drew a long, deep breath. " But, upon my 
 word of honour, she was the limit last night. Of course 
 one couldn t expect her to be exactly gracious, with her 
 hair plastered over her face and her hat spoiled and her 
 clothes soaked, but there was really no excuse for some 
 of the things she said to me. I shall overlook them for 
 your sake and for the Countess s." He was painfully 
 red in the face. 
 
 " The conditions, Fred," I said, " were scarcely con 
 ducive to polite persiflage." 
 
 " But, hang it all, I was as wet as she was," he ex-
 
 I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT 285 
 
 ploded, so violently that I knew his soul must have been 
 tried to the utmost. 
 
 " We must try to make the best of it," I said. " It 
 will not be for long." The thought of it somehow sent 
 my heart back to its lowest level. 
 
 He was glum and silent for a few minutes. Then he 
 said, as if the thought had been on his mind for some 
 hours : " She isn t a day over forty-five. It doesn t 
 seem possible, with a six-foot son twenty-six years old." 
 
 Grimly I explained. " They marry quite young 
 when it s for money, Fred." 
 
 " I suppose that s it," he sighed. " I fancy she s 
 handsome, too, when she hasn t been rained upon." 
 
 We were half way up the slope when he announced 
 nervously that all of my dry clothing was in the closet 
 off my bedroom and could not be got at under any 
 circumstance. 
 
 " But," he said, " I have laid out my best frock coat 
 and trousers for you, and a complete change of linen. 
 You are quite welcome to anything I possess, Mr. 
 Smart. I think if you take a couple of rolls at the 
 bottom of the trousers, they ll be presentable. The 
 coat may be a little long for you, but " 
 
 My loud laughter cut him short. 
 
 " It s the best I could do," he said in an aggrieved 
 voice. 
 
 I had a secret hope that the Countess would be in the 
 courtyard to welcome me, but I was disappointed. Old 
 Gretel met me and wept over me, as if I was not already 
 sufficiently moist. The chef came running out to say 
 that breakfast would be ready for me when I desired it ; 
 Blatchford felt of my coat sleeve and told me that I 
 was quite wet ; Hawkes had two large, steaming toddies 
 waiting for us in the vestibule, apparently fearing that
 
 286 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 we could get no farther without the aid of a stimulant. 
 But there was no sign of a single Titus. 
 
 Later I ventured forth in Poopendyke s best suit of 
 clothes the one he uses when he passes the plate on 
 Sundays in far-away Yonkers. It smelled of moth-balls, 
 but it was gloriously dry, so why carp ! We sneaked 
 down the corridor past my own bedroom door and 
 stole into the study. 
 
 Just inside the door, I stopped in amazement. The 
 Countess was sound asleep in my big armchair, a for 
 lorn but lovely thing in a pink peignoir. Her rumpled 
 brown hair nestled in the angle of the chair ; her hands 
 drooped listlessly at her sides ; dark lashes lay upon 
 the soft white cheeks; her lips were parted ever so 
 slightly, and her bosom rose and fell in the long swell of 
 perfect repose. 
 
 Poopendyke clutched me by the arm and drew me 
 toward the door, or I might have stood there transfixed 
 for heaven knows hcr.y long. 
 
 " She s asleep," he whispered. 
 
 It was the second time in twelve hours that some one 
 had intimated that I was blind.
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 
 
 THE door creaked villainously. The gaunt, ecclesias 
 tical tails of my borrowed frock coat were on the verge 
 of being safely outside with me when she cried out. 
 Whereupon I swiftly transposed myself, and stuck my 
 head through the half-open door. 
 
 " Oh, it s you ! " she cried, in a quavery voice. She 
 was leaning forward in the chair, her eyes wide open 
 and eager. 
 
 I advanced into the room. A look of doubt sprang 
 into her face. She stared for a moment and then rather 
 piteously rubbed her eyes. 
 
 " Yes, it is I," said I, spreading my arms in such a 
 way that my hands emerged from the confines of Poop- 
 endyke s sleeves. (Upon my word, I had no idea that 
 he was so much longer than I!) " It is still I, Count 
 ess, despite the shrinkage." 
 
 " The shrinkage ? " she murmured, slowly sliding out 
 of the chair. As she unbent her cramped leg, she made 
 a little grimace of pain, but smiled as she limped toward 
 me, her hand extended. 
 
 " Yes, I always shrink when I get wet," I explained, 
 resorting to facetiousness. 
 
 Then I bent over her hand and kissed it. As I 
 neglected to release it at once, the cuff of Poopendyke s 
 best coat slid down over our two hands, completely 
 enveloping them. It was too much for me to stand. I 
 squeezed her hand with painful fervour, and then re 
 leased it in trepidation. 
 
 287
 
 288 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Poopendyke goes to church in it," I said vaguely, 
 leaving her to guess what it was that PoopencTyke went 
 to church in, or, perhaps, knowing what I meant, how I 
 happened to be in it for the time being. " You ve been 
 crying ! " 
 
 Her eyes were red and suspiciously moist. 
 
 As she met my concerned gaze, a wavering, whimsical 
 smile crept into her face. 
 
 " It has been a disgustingly wet night," she said. 
 " Oh, you don t know how happy I am to see you stand 
 ing here once more, safe and sound, and and amiable. 
 I expected you to glower and growl and " 
 
 " On a bright, glorious, sunshiny morning like this? " 
 I cried. " Never ! I prefer to be graciously refulgent. 
 Our troubles are behind us." 
 
 " How good you are." After a moment s careful 
 scrutiny of my face : " I can see the traces of very 
 black thoughts, Mr. Smart, and recent ones." 
 
 " They were black until I came into this room," I 
 confessed. " Now they are rose-tinted." 
 
 She bent her slender body a little toward me and the 
 red seemed to leap back into her lips as if propelled by 
 magic. Resolutely I put my awkward, ungainly arms 
 behind my back, and straightened my figure. I was 
 curiously impressed by the discovery that I was very, 
 very tall and she very much smaller than my memory 
 recorded. Of course, I had no means of knowing that 
 she was in bedroom slippers and not in the customary 
 high-heeled boots that gave her an inch and a half of 
 false stature. 
 
 " Your mother is here," I remarked hurriedly. 
 
 She glanced toward my bedroom door. 
 
 " Oh, what a night ! " she sighed. " I did all that I 
 could to keep her out of your bed. It was useless.
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 289 
 
 I did cry, Mr. Smart. I know you must hate all of us. 5 * 
 
 I laughed. " Love thy neighbour as thyself, " I 
 quoted. " You are my neighbour, Countess ; don t for 
 get that. And it so happens that your mother is also 
 my neighbour at present, and your brothers too. Have 
 you any cousins and aunts? " 
 
 " I can t understand how any one can be so good- 
 natured as you," she sighed. 
 
 The crown of her head was on a level with my 
 shoulder. Her eyes were lowered ; a faint line of dis 
 tress grew between them. For a minute I stared down 
 at the brown crest of her head, an almost ungovernable 
 impulse pounding away at my sense of discretion. I 
 do take credit unto myself for being strong enough to 
 resist that opportunity to make an everlasting idiot of 
 myself. I knew, even then, that if a similar attack 
 ever came upon me again I should not be able to with 
 stand it. It was too much to expect of mortal man. 
 Angels might survive the test, but not wingless man. 
 
 All this time she was staring rather pensively at the 
 second button from the top of Poopendyke s coat, and 
 so prolonged and earnest was her gaze that I looked 
 down in some concern, at the same time permitting my 
 self to make a nervous, jerky and quite involuntary 
 digital examination of the aforesaid button. She 
 looked up with a nervous little laugh. 
 
 " I shall have to sew one on right there for poor Mr. 
 Poopendyke," she said, poking her finger into the empty 
 buttonhole. " You dear bachelors ! " 
 
 Then she turned swiftly away from me, and glided 
 over to the big armchair, from the depths of which she 
 fished a small velvet bag. Looking over her shoulder, 
 she smiled at me. 
 
 " Please look the other way," she said. Without
 
 290 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 waiting for me to do so, she took out a little gold 
 box, a powder puff, and a stick of lip rouge. Cross 
 ing to the small Florentine morrir that hung near my 
 desk, she proceeded, before my startled eyes, to repair 
 the slight and to me unnoticeable damage that 
 had been done to her complexion before the sun came 
 up. 
 
 " Woman works in a mysterious way, my friend, her 
 wonders to perform," she paraphrased calmly. 
 
 " No matter how transcendently beautiful woman 
 may be, she always does that sort of thing to herself, 
 I take it," said I. 
 
 " She does," said the Countess with conviction. She 
 surveyed herself critically. " There ! And now I am 
 ready to accept an invitation to breakfast. I am dis 
 gustingly hungry." 
 
 " And so am I ! " I cried with enthusiasm. " Hurray ! 
 You shall eat Poopendyke s breakfast, just to penalise 
 him for failing in his duties as host during my un 
 avoidable " 
 
 " Quite impossible," she said. " He has already 
 eaten it." 
 
 "He has?" 
 
 " At half -past six, I believe. He announced at that 
 ungodly hour that if he couldn t have his coffee the first 
 thing in the morning he would be in for a headache all 
 day. He suggested that I take a little nap and have 
 breakfast with you if you succeeded in surviving the 
 night." 
 
 " Oh, I see," said I slowly. " He knew all the time 
 that you were napping in that chair, eh? " 
 
 " You shall not scold him ! " 
 
 " I shall do even worse than that. I shall pension him 
 for life."
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 291 
 
 She appeared thoughtful. A little frown 1 of annoy 
 ance clouded her brow. 
 
 " He promised faithfully to arouse me the instant 
 you were sighted on the opposite side of the river. I 
 made him stand in the window with a field glass. No, 
 on second thought, / shall scold him. If he had come 
 to the door and shouted, you wouldn t have caught me 
 in this odious dressing-gown. Helene " 
 
 " It is most fascinating," I cried. " Adorable ! I 
 love flimsy, pink things. They re so intimate. And 
 Poopendyke knows it, bless his ingenuous old soul." 
 
 I surprised a queer little gleam of inquiry in her eyes. 
 It flickered for a second and died out. 
 
 " Do you really consider him an ingenuous old 
 soul? " she asked. And I thought there was something 
 rather metallic in her voice. I might have replied 
 with intelligence if she had given me a chance, but 
 for some reason she chose to drop the subject. "You 
 must be famished, and I am dying to hear about your 
 experiences. You must not omit a single detail. 
 I" 
 
 There came a gentle, discreet knocking on the half- 
 open door. I started, somewhat guiltily. 
 
 "Come!" 
 
 Blatchford poked his irreproachable visage through 
 the aperture and then gravely swung the door wide 
 open. 
 
 " Breakfast is served, sir, your ladyship. I beg 
 pardon." 
 
 I have never seen him stand so faultlessly rigid. As 
 we passed him on the way out a mean desire came over 
 me to tread on his toes, just as an experiment. I 
 wondered if he would change expression. But somehow 
 I felt that he would say " Thank you, sir," and there
 
 292 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 would be no satisfaction in knowing that he had had all 
 his pains for nothing. 
 
 I shall never forget that enchanted breakfast 
 never ! Not that I can recall even vaguely what we had 
 to eat, or who served it, or how much of the naked truth 
 I related to her in describing the events of the night; 
 I can only declare that it was a singularly light-hearted 
 affair. 
 
 At half-past one o clock I was received by Mrs. 
 Titus in my own study. The Countess came down from 
 her eerie abode to officiate at the ceremonious function 
 if it may be so styled and I was agreeably sur 
 prised to find my new guest in a most amiable frame 
 of mind. True, she looked me over with what seemed 
 to me an unnecessarily and perfectly frank stare of 
 curiosity, but, on sober reflection, I did not hold it 
 against her. I was still draped in Poopendyke s gar 
 ments. 
 
 At first sight I suppose she couldn t quite help 
 putting me down as one of those literary freaks who 
 typify intellect without intelligence. 
 
 As for her two sons, they made no effort to disguise 
 their amazement. (I have a shocking notion that the 
 vowel u might be substituted for the a in that word with 
 out loss of integrity !) 
 
 The elder of the two young men, Colingraft Titus, 
 who being in the business with his father in New York 
 was permitted to travel most of the time so that he 
 couldn t interfere with it, was taller than I, and an 
 extremely handsome chap to boot. He was twenty-six. 
 The younger, Jasper, Jr., was nineteen, short and slight 
 of build, with the merriest eyes I ve ever seen. I didn t 
 in the least mind the grin he bestowed upon me and 
 preserved with staunch fidelity throughout the whole
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 293 
 
 interview, but I resented the supercilious, lordly 
 scorn of his elder brother. 
 
 Jasper, I learned, was enduring a protracted leave 
 of absence from Yale ; the hiatus between his freshman 
 and sophomore years already covered a period of six 
 teen months, and he had a tutor who appreciated the 
 buttery side of his crust. 
 
 Mrs. Titus, after thanking me warmly and I 
 think sincerely for all that I had done for Aline, 
 apologised in a perfunctory sort of way for having 
 kept me out of my bed all night, and hoped that I 
 wouldn t catch cold or have an attack of rheumatism. 
 
 I soon awoke to the fact that she was in the habit of 
 centralising attention. The usually volatile Countess 
 became subdued and repressed in her presence; the big 
 son and the little one were respectfully quiescent; I 
 confess to a certain embarrassment myself. 
 
 She was a handsome woman with a young figure, a 
 good complexion, clear eyes, wavy brown hair, and a 
 rich, low voice perfectly modulated. No doubt she was 
 nearing fifty but thirty-five would have been your guess, 
 provided you were a bachelor. A bachelor learns some 
 thing about women every day of his life, but not so 
 much that he cannot be surprised the day after. 
 
 I endeavoured to set her mind at rest by politely re 
 minding her that I couldn t have slept in the bed any 
 way, having been out all night, and she smilingly as 
 sured me that it was a relief to find a literary man who 
 wasn t forever saying flat stupid things. 
 
 I took them over the castle that is, a part of the 
 castle. Mrs. Titus wouldn t climb stairs. She con 
 fessed to banting, but drew the line at anything more 
 exhausting. I fear I was too palpably relieved when 
 .she declined to go higher than the second story.
 
 294 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " It isn t necessary, Mr. Smart," she said sweetly, 
 " to go into the history of the wretched Rothhoefens, 
 as a Cook s interpreter might do. You see, I know the 
 castle quite well and I have had all the late news 
 from my daughter." 
 
 " Of course ! " I agreed. " Stupid of me not to re 
 member that you are descended from " 
 
 " Mother isn t half as stuck up about it as you might 
 think, Mr. Smart," interrupted Jasper, Jr., glibly. 
 " She prefers to let people think her ancestors were 
 Dutch instead of merely German. Dutch ancestors 
 are the proper thing in Jew York." 
 
 " Jappie," said his mother severely, " how often must 
 I caution you not to speak of New York as Jew York? 
 Some day you will say it to a Jew. One can t be too 
 careful. Heaven alone knows when one is in the pres 
 ence of a Jew in these days." 
 
 " Oh, I m not Hebraic," said I quickly. " My an 
 cestors were Dutch. They came over with the original 
 skin grafters." 
 
 She looked puzzled for a moment. The Countess 
 laughed. Then Jasper saw the point. Colingraft 
 was the last to see it, and then it was too late for him to 
 smile. 
 
 We had tea in the loggia and I dined with the family 
 in the Countess s apartment at eight that night. I 
 think Mrs. Titus was rather favourably impressed when 
 she beheld me in my own raiment. Britton had 
 smoothed out my evening clothes until they almost 
 shone, and I managed to carry myself with unusual 
 buoyancy. 
 
 Everything went very well that evening. We were 
 all in fine humour and the dinner was an excellent one. 
 I perpetrated but one unhappy blunder. I asked Mrs.
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 295 
 
 Titus if she knew the Riley-Werkheimers and the Rocks- 
 worths in New York. 
 
 " Visually," she said succinctly, and I made haste to 
 change the subject. The Countess looked amused, and 
 Colingraft said something about it being more than 
 likely that we did not have any mutual acquaintances 
 in New York. His sister came to my rescue with a very 
 amusing and exaggerated account of my experience 
 with the Riley-Werkheimers and Rocksworths. Jasper 
 was enthusiastic. Something told me that I was going 
 to like him. 
 
 My real troubles began the next day and at the 
 rather unseemly hour of eight o clock in the morning. 
 Colingraft came down the hall in a bath-gown and 
 slippers, banged on my bedroom door, and wanted to 
 know why the devil he couldn t have hot water for his 
 bath. He was too full-blooded, and all that sort of 
 thing, he said, to take a cold plunge. Moreover, he 
 wasn t used to taking his tub in a tin-cup. (That was 
 his sarcastic way of referring to my portable, handy 
 bath-tub. ) I asked him why he didn t ring for Britton, 
 and he said he did but that Britton was assisting Jasper 
 in a wild chase for a bat which had got into the lad s 
 room during the night. 
 
 " Thank your lucky stars it didn t get into Mother s 
 room," he said surlily. I silently thanked them. 
 
 He made such a row about his tub that I had to give 
 him the pail of hot water Britton had placed in my 
 bedroom, preparatory to my own bath. 
 
 At breakfast Jasper complained about the bats. 
 lie couldn t for the life of him see why I didn t have 
 screens in the windows. 
 
 Later on Mrs. Titus, who had coffee and toast in her 
 room, joined us in the loggia and announced that the
 
 296 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 coffee was stone cold. Moreover, she did not like the 
 guest-chamber into which she had been moved by order 
 of the Countess. It was too huge for a bed-chamber, 
 and the iron window shutters creaked all night long. 
 
 " But don t you love the view you have of the 
 Danube? " I queried, rather mournfully. 
 
 " I don t sit in the window all night, Mr. Smart," 
 she said tartly. 
 
 I at once insisted on her resuming possession of my 
 bedroom, and promptly had all of my things moved into 
 the one she had occupied during the night. When the 
 Countess heard of this arrangement she was most in 
 dignant. She got me off in a corner and cruelly in 
 formed me that I hadn t the vestige of a backbone. 
 She must have said something to her mother, too, for 
 when evening came around I had to move back into my 
 own room, Mrs. Titus sweetly assuring me that under no 
 consideration would she consent to impose upon my 
 good nature and hospitality to such an extent, etc., 
 etc. 
 
 During the day, at odd times, Colingraft made lofty 
 suggestions in regard to what could be done with the 
 place to make it more or less inhabitable, and Jasper, 
 who, by the way, I was beginning to fear I should not 
 like after all, said he d just like to have a whack at the 
 thing himself. First thing he d do would be to turn 
 some of those old, unused rooms into squash and rac 
 quet courts, and he d also put in a swimming-pool and 
 a hot-water plant. 
 
 Late in the afternoon, I stole far up into the eastern 
 tower to visit my adorable friend Rosemary. We 
 played house together on the nursery floor and I soon 
 got over my feeling of depression. But even in play I 
 was made to realise that I was not the master of the
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 297 
 
 house. She ruled me with the utmost despotism, but I 
 didn t mind. She permitted me to sip honey from that 
 cunning place in her little neck and managed to call me 
 Unko. My heart grew warm and soft again under the 
 spell of her. 
 
 The Countess watched us at play from her seat by 
 the window. She was strangely still and pensive. I 
 had the feeling that she was watching me all the time, 
 and that there was a shadow of anxiety in her lovely 
 eyes. She smiled at our pranks, and yet there was 
 something sad in the smile. 
 
 I was young again with Rosemary, and full of glee. 
 She took me out of myself. I forgot the three Tituses 
 and with them many of my woes. Here was a cure for 
 the blues: this gay little kiddie of the unspeakable 
 Tarnowsy ! 
 
 I lay awake for hours that night, but when I finally 
 went to sleep and heaven knows I needed it ! it 
 was with the soporific resolution to put my house rigidly 
 in order the very next day. I would be polite about it, 
 but very firm. The Titus family (omitting the Count 
 ess and Rosemary) was to be favoured with an ultima 
 tum from which there could be no appeal. John Bel 
 lamy Smart had decided with Morpheus smoothing 
 out the wrinkles of perplexity that he would be 
 master in his own house. 
 
 My high resolve flattened itself out a little after the 
 sound sleep I had, and I make no doubt I should have 
 wavered sadly in my purpose had not a crisis arisen to 
 shape my courage for me in a rather emphatic way. 
 
 Shortly after breakfast Mrs. Titus came downstairs 
 very smartly gowned for the street. She announced 
 that she was going into the town for an hour or two and 
 asked me to have one of the Schmicks ferry her across
 
 298 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 the river. There was a famous antique shop there 
 memory of other days and she wanted to browse a 
 while in search of brasses and bronzes. 
 
 I looked at her, aghast. I recognised the crisis, but 
 for a moment was unable to marshal my powers of 
 resistance. Noting my consternation, she calmly as 
 sured me that there wouldn t be the least danger of 
 detection, as she was going to be heavily veiled and very 
 cautious. 
 
 " My dear Mrs. Titus," I murmured in my dismay, 
 " it isn t to be considered. I am sure you won t persist 
 in this when I tell you that Tarnowsy s agents are sure 
 to see you and " 
 
 She laughed. " Tarnowsy s agents ! Why should 
 they be here? " 
 
 " They seem to be everywhere." 
 
 " I can assure you there is none within fifty miles of 
 Schloss Rothhoefen. Our men are in the city. Four 
 of them preceded me. This morning I had Mr. Bangs 
 telephone to the hotel where the chief operative is stay 
 ing in the guise of an American tourist, and he does 
 it very cleverly for an Englishman, too, and he as 
 sures me that there is absolutely no danger. Even Mr. 
 Bangs is satisfied." 
 
 " I am forced to say that I am by no means satisfied 
 that it is a safe or wise thing to do, Mrs. Titus," I said, 
 with more firmness than I thought I possessed. 
 
 She raised her delicate eyebrows in a most exaspera 
 ting well-bred, admonitory way. 
 
 " I am quite sure, Mr. Smart, that Dillingham is a 
 perfectly trustworthy detective, and " 
 
 " But why take the slightest risk? " 
 
 " It is necessary for me to see Dillingham, that is the 
 long and short of it," she said coldly. " One can t
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 299 
 
 discuss things over a telephone, you know. Mr. Bangs 
 understands. And, by the way, Mr. Smart, I have 
 taken the liberty of calling up the central office of the 
 telephone company to ask if they can run an extension 
 wire to my dressing-room. I hope you do not mind." 
 
 " Not in the least. I should have thought of it my 
 self." 
 
 " You have so much to think of, poor man. And 
 now will you be good enough to have Hawkes order* the 
 man to row me across the " 
 
 " I am very sorry, Mrs. Titus," said I firmly, " but I 
 fear I must declare myself. I cannot permit you to go 
 into the town to-day." 
 
 She was thunderstruck. " Are you in earnest ? " she 
 cried, after searching my face rather intently for a 
 moment. 
 
 " Unhappily, yes. Will you let me explain " 
 
 " The idea! " she exclaimed as she drew herself to her 
 full height and withered me with a look of surpassing 
 scorn. " Am I to regard myself as a prisoner, Mr. 
 Smart?" 
 
 " Oh, I beg of you, Mrs. Titus " I began miserably. 
 
 " Please answer my question." 
 
 Her tone cut me like the lash of a whip. My choler 
 rose. 
 
 " I do not choose to regard myself as a jailer. My 
 only object in opposing this " 
 
 " I have never known anything so absurd." Two 
 bright red spots appeared in her cheeks. " Your atti 
 tude is most extraordinary. However, I shall go to 
 the city this morning, Mr. Smart. Pray give me the 
 credit of having sense enough to Ah, Colingraft." 
 
 The two sons approached from the breakfast-room, 
 where they had been enjoying a ten o clock chop.
 
 300 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 Colingraft, noting his mother s attire, accelerated his 
 speed and was soon beside us. 
 
 " Going out, Mother? " he enquired, flicking the ash 
 from his cigarette. 
 
 " If Mr. Smart will be good enough to withdraw his 
 opposition," she said icily. 
 
 He gave me a sharp look. " What s up ? " 
 
 " Mrs. Titus doesn t seem to realise the risk she runs 
 in" 
 
 " Risk? Do you suppose, Mr. Smart, I would jeop 
 ardise my daughter s " 
 
 "What s ug? " repeated Colingraft insistently. 
 
 " Mr. Smart calmly informs me that I am not to go 
 into the city." 
 
 " I don t see that Mr. Smart has anything to say 
 about it," said her son coolly. " If he " He 
 paused, glaring. 
 
 I looked him squarely in the eye. If he had possessed 
 the acumen of a pollywog he would have seen that my 
 Dutch was up. 
 
 "One moment, Mr. Titus," I said, setting my jaw. 
 " I have this to say about it. You are guests in my 
 house. We are jointly interested in the effort to pro 
 tect the Countess Tarnowsy. I consider it to be the 
 height of imprudence for any member of your family 
 to venture into the city, now or at any time during her 
 stay in this castle. I happen to know that Tarnowsy 
 is having me watched for some purpose or other. I 
 don t think he suspects that the Countess is here, but I 
 greatly fear that he believes I am interested in her 
 cause. He suspects me. You have heard of our 
 recent encounter. He knows my position pretty well 
 by this time. Mrs. Titus says that the man Dilling- 
 ham assures her there is no danger. Well, I can only
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 301 
 
 say that Dillingham is a fool, and I don t purpose 
 having my own safety threatened by " 
 
 " Your safety?" exclaimed he. "I like that! 
 What have you got to be afraid of? " 
 
 " You seem to forget that I am harbouring a fugitive 
 from justice," I said flatly. 
 
 Mrs. Titus gasped. " How dare you " 
 
 " The Countess Tarnowsy is wanted by the author 
 ities for kidnapping, and I think you know the facts 
 quite as well as I do," I went on harshly. " God knows 
 I am doing my best to protect her. I am risking more 
 than you seem to appreciate. If she is found here, my 
 position isn t likely to be an enviable one. I am not 
 thinking solely of myself, believe me, but after all I 
 contend that I have a right to assert myself in a crisis 
 that may affect me vitally. I trust you will see my 
 position and act accordingly, with consideration, if 
 nothing else." 
 
 Mrs. Titus did not take her eyes off mine while I was 
 speaking. There was an expression of utter amaze 
 ment in them. No one had ever opposed her before in 
 just this way, I gathered. She didn t know what to 
 make of it. 
 
 " I fear you exaggerate the extent of your peril, 
 Mr. Smart," she said drily. " Of course, I have no 
 desire to put you in jeopardy, but it seems to me " 
 
 " Leaving me out of the case altogether, don t you 
 think it is a bit unfair to the Countess? " I asked in some 
 heat. " She doesn t want to go to jail." 
 
 " Jail? " she cried angrily. 
 
 " That s no way to speak about " began Colingraft 
 furiously. 
 
 I broke in rashly. " If you please, Mr. Titus, be 
 good enough to keep your temper. I have no desire to
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 j. but I eon BBC that it M 
 There isn t anjihmg in 
 do to kip yam. oad ike Countess in 
 BBOK, Mrs. Titus. I hope jon be- 
 
 Eew me vbev I aaty ox aoadk. I aat ber friend : I 
 
 to be joon if jm vii let K B* I mere tfe right 
 
 momeat, Mr. Titus 
 
 are quite agreed ibat jonr cirter is to depart 
 OM ibc foaitualfa of ife !! I am to 
 
 with Mr. Bangs. Wefl, it mat be dearij 
 
 ooer. Xnair c fiojor^peoJoBO^ KD^t it? " 
 
 "I dkoMgo vbere I fieaae, aojd HI go to fbe town 
 to db j ** loaned Cofiograft, geiiiog mo fartber for 
 
 ;&atl 
 to a fitfle crj of
 
 I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE 
 
 Send for Aline. Ask 
 
 I boved stay, * I any, Mr*. YSbw, to 
 beat so Inrsk, so 
 
 She beld np boli 
 in aH m v life, Mr. 
 
 .T :-.--- --;. 
 
 after her, ft *t --itbcrt grrntg me 
 r*|?e and ntHHl 
 
 I ram j kand ver my 
 Gee!"" said Jasper, "jr. * Y^ 
 rigbt, aH rigfet." He IvBrnwd a* 
 e0oldhi\ get rid f IM fw INKTS. 
 
 Later in ibe forcMM* tbe Cocmtes&. -rith a gin 1.1 BUfc 
 OR IKT %s teli ve M* ber 
 *st wifL, tke we* fec 
 
 Bat Colograf* w*$ art
 
 CHAFTmi 
 
 TO 
 
 or ** Yorrvf done wonder? irhi tie joint, 
 CxOimsTf- 
 
 :: - okrab 
 
 ^TTBTI ftTTl f ^ 
 
 ! tte : 
 
 done for 
 
 L: * 
 K ! 
 
 Yuirve ^ui "to
 
 I SEE TO THE
 
 306 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I looked at Jasper, Jr. He was staring at me in 
 utter bewilderment. 
 
 " Good Lord ! You you ve knocked him down ! " 
 
 " I didn t think I could do it," said I hazily. 
 
 He sprang to his brother s side, and assisted him to 
 a sitting posture. 
 
 " Right to the j aw," shouted Jasper, with a strange 
 enthusiasm. 
 
 " Left," I corrected him. 
 
 Colingraft gazed about him in a stupid, vacant fash 
 ion for a moment, and then allowed his glazed eyes to 
 rest upon me. He sat rather limply, I thought. 
 
 " Are you hurt, Colly ? " cried Jasper, Jr. 
 
 A sickly grin, more of surprise than shame, stole over 
 Colingraft s face. He put his hand to his jaw; then 
 to the back of his head. 
 
 " By Jove ! " he murmured. "I I didn t think he 
 had it in him. Let me get up ! " 
 
 Jasper, Jr. was discreet. " Better let well enough 
 alone, old " 
 
 " I intend to," said Colingraf t, as he struggled to 
 his feet. 
 
 For a moment he faced me, uncertainly. 
 
 " I m sorry, Mr. Titus," said I calmly. 
 
 " You you are a wonder ! " fell from his lips. 
 " I m not a coward, Mr. Smart. I ve boxed a good 
 deal in my time, but by Jove, I never had a jolt like 
 that." 
 
 He turned abruptly and left us. We followed him 
 slowly toward the steps. At the bottom he stopped 
 and faced me again. 
 
 " You re a better man than I thought," he said. 
 " If you ll bury the hatchet, so will I. I take back 
 what I said to you, not because I m afraid of you, but
 
 Up to that moment I had wondered whether I could do it with 
 my left hand

 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 307 
 
 because I respect you. What say? Will you shake 
 hands?" 
 
 The surly, arrogant expression was gone from his 
 face. In its place was a puzzled, somewhat inquiring 
 look. 
 
 " No hard feeling on my part," I cried gladly. We 
 shook hands. Jasper, Jr. slapped me on the back. 
 " It s a most distressing, atavistic habit I m getting 
 into, knocking people down without rhyme or reason." 
 
 " I daresay you had reason," muttered Colingraft. 
 " I got what was coming to me." An eager light crept 
 into his handsome eyes. " By Jove, we can get in some 
 corking work with the gloves while I m here. I box 
 quite a bit at home, and I miss it travelling about like 
 this. What say to a half -hour or so every day? I 
 have the gloves in one of my trunks. I m getting hor 
 ribly seedy. I need stirring up." 
 
 " Charmed, I m sure," I said, assuming an enthu 
 siasm I did not feel. Put on the gloves with this 
 strapping, skillful boxer? Not I! I was firmly re 
 solved to stop while my record was good. In a scientific 
 clash with the gloves he would soon find out what a 
 miserable duffer I was. 
 
 " And Jappy, here, is no slouch. He s as shifty as 
 the dickens." 
 
 " The shiftier the better," said I, with great aplomb. 
 Jasper, Jr., stuck out his chest modestly, and said: 
 "Oh, piffle, Colly." But just the same I hadn t the 
 laest doubt in my mind that Jasper could " put it 
 all over me." It was a rather sickening admission, 
 though strictly private. 
 
 We made our way to my study, where I mildly sug 
 gested that we refrain from mentioning our little en 
 counter to Mrs. Titus or the Countess. I thought
 
 308 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 Colingraft was especially pleased with the idea. We 
 swore secrecy. 
 
 " I ve always been regarded as a peaceful, harmless 
 grub," I explained, still somewhat bewildered by the 
 feat I had performed, and considerably shaken by the 
 fear that I was degenerating into a positive ruffian. 
 " You will believe me, I hope, when I declare that I was 
 merely acting in self-defence when I " 
 
 He actually laughed. " Don t apologise." He 
 could not resist the impulse to blurt out once more: 
 " By Jove, I didn t think you could do it." 
 
 " With my left hand, too," I said wonderingly. 
 Catching myself up, I hastily changed the subject. 
 
 A little later on, as Colingraft left the room, slyly 
 feeling of his jaw, Jasper, Jr. whispered to me ex 
 citedly : " You ve got him eating out of your hand, old 
 top." 
 
 Things were coming to a pretty pass, said I to my 
 self when I was all alone. It certainly is a pretty pass 
 when one knocks down the ex-husband and the brother 
 of the woman he loves, and quite without the least sus 
 picion of an inherited pugnacity. 
 
 I had a little note from the Countess that afternoon, 
 ceremoniously delivered by Helene Marie Louise Antoi 
 nette. It read as follows: 
 
 " You did Colingraft a very good turn when you laid 
 him low this morning. He is tiresomely interested in his 
 prowess as a box-maker, or a boxster, or whatever it is in 
 athletic parlance. He has been like a lamb all afternoon 
 and he really can t get over the way you whacked him. (Is 
 whack the word?) At first he was as mum as could be 
 about it, but I think he really felt relieved when I told him 
 I had seen the whole affair from a window in my hall. You 
 see it gave him a chance to explain how you got in the
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 309 
 
 whack, and I have been obliged to listen to intermittent 
 lectures on the manly art of self-defence all afternoon, first 
 from him, then from Jappy. I have a headache, and no 
 means of defence. He admits that he deserved it, but I am 
 not surprised. Colly is a sporting chap. He hasn t a 
 mean drop of blood in his body. You have made a friend 
 of him. So please don t feel that I hold a grudge against 
 you for what you did. The funny part of it all is that 
 mamma quite agrees with him. She says he deserved it! 
 Mamma is wonderful, really, when it comes to a pinch. 
 She has given up all thought of putting a foot outside the 
 castle. Can you have luncheon with us to-morrow ? Would 
 it be too much trouble if we were to have it in the loggia? 
 I am just mad to get out-of-doors if only for an hour or 
 two in that walled-in spot. Mr. Poopendyke has been per 
 fectly lovely. He came up this morning to tell me that you 
 haven t sneezed at all and there isn t the remotest chance 
 now that you will have a cold. It seems he was afraid you 
 might. You must have a very rugged constitution. Britton 
 told Blake that most men would have died from exposure 
 if they had been put in your place. How good you are to 
 me. 
 
 " ALINE T. 
 " P. S. I may come down to see you this evening." 
 
 I shall skip over the rather uninteresting events of 
 the next two or three days. Nothing of consequence 
 happened, unless you are willing to consider important 
 two perfectly blissful nights of sleep on my part. 
 Also, I had the pleasure of taking the Countess " out 
 walking " in my courtyard, to use a colloquialism : 
 once in the warm, sweet sunshine, again neath the glow 
 of a radiant moon. She had not been outside the castle 
 walls, literally, in more than five weeks, and the colour
 
 310 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 leaped back into her cheeks with a rush that delighted 
 me. I may mention in passing that I paid particular 
 attention to her suggestion concerning my dilapidated, 
 gone-to-seed garden, although I had been bored to ex 
 tinction by Jasper, Jr. when he undertook to enlighten 
 me horticulturally. She agreed to come forth every 
 day and assist me in building the poor thing up; 
 propping it, so to speak. 
 
 As for Mrs. Titus, that really engaging lady made 
 life so easy for me that I wondered why I had ever been 
 apprehensive. She "was quite wonderful when " it came 
 to a pinch." I began to understand a good many 
 things about her, chief among them being her unvoiced 
 theories on matrimony. While she did not actually 
 commit herself, I had no difficulty in ascertaining that, 
 from her point of view, marriages are not made in 
 heaven, and that a properly arranged divorce is a great 
 deal less terrestrial than it is commonly supposed to be. 
 She believed in matrimony as a trial and divorce as a 
 reward, or something to that effect. 
 
 My opinion seemed to carry considerable weight with 
 her. For a day or two after our somewhat sanguinary 
 encounter, she was prone to start even to jump 
 slightly when I addressed myself to her with unin 
 tentional directness. She soon got over that, however. 
 
 We were discussing Aline s unfortunate venture into 
 the state of matrimony and I, feeling temporarily 
 august and superior, managed to say the wrong thing 
 and in doing so put myself in a position from which I 
 could not recede without loss of dignity. If my 
 memory serves me correctly I remarked, with some 
 asperity, that marriages of that kind never turned out 
 well for any one except the bridegroom. 
 
 She looked at me coldly. " I am afraid, Mr. Smart,
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 311 
 
 that you have been putting some very bad notions into 
 my daughter s head," she said. 
 
 " Bad notions? " I murmured. 
 
 " She has developed certain pronounced and rather 
 extraordinary views concerning the nobility as the 
 result of your ah argument, I may say." 
 
 " I m very sorry. I know one or two exceedingly 
 nice noblemen, and I ve no doubt there are a great many 
 more. She must have misunderstood me. I wasn t 
 running down the nobility, Mrs. Titus. I was merely 
 questioning the advisability of elevating it in the way 
 we Americans sometimes do." 
 
 " You did not put it so adroitly in discussing the 
 practice with Aline," she said quickly. " Granted that 
 her own marriage was a mistake, a dreadful mis 
 take, it does not follow that all international matches 
 are failures. I would just as soon be unhappily mar 
 ried to a duke as to a dry-goods merchant, Mr. Smart." 
 
 " But not at the same price, Mrs. Titus," I re 
 marked. 
 
 She smiled. " A husband is dear at any price." 
 
 "I shouldn t put it just that way," I protested. 
 " A good American husband is a necessity, not a lux 
 ury." 
 
 " Well, to go back to what I started to say, Aline 
 is very bitter about matrimony as viewed from my 
 point of view. I am sorry to say I attribute her at 
 titude to your excellent counselling." 
 
 " You flatter me. I was under the impression she 
 took her lessons of Tarnowsy." 
 
 " Granted. But Tarnowsy was unfit. Why tar 
 all of them with the same stick? There are good 
 noblemen, you ll admit." 
 
 " But they don t need rehabilitation."
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Aline, I fear, will never risk another experiment. 
 It s rather calamitous, isn t it? When one stops to 
 consider her youth, beauty and all the happiness there 
 may be " 
 
 " I beg your pardon, Mrs. Titus, but I think your 
 fears are groundless." 
 
 " What do you mean? " 
 
 " The Countess will marry again. I am not betray 
 ing a secret, because she has intimated as much to my 
 secretary as well as to me. I take it that as soon as 
 this unhappy affair is settled, she will be free to re 
 veal the true state of her feelings toward " I 
 stopped, somewhat dismayed by my garrulous turn. 
 
 " Toward whom ? " she fairly snapped. 
 
 " I don t know," I replied truthfully and, I fear, 
 lugubriously. 
 
 " Good heaven ! " she cried, starting up from the 
 bench on which we were sitting in the loggia. There 
 was a queer expression in her eyes. " Hasn t hasn t 
 she ever hinted at hasn t she mentioned any one at 
 all?" 
 
 " Not to me." 
 
 Mrs. Titus was agitated, I could see that very 
 plainly. A thoughtful frown appeared on her smooth 
 brow, and a gleam of anxiety sprang into her eyes. 
 
 " I am sure that she has had no opportunity to " 
 She did not complete the sentence, in which there was 
 a primary note of perplexity and wonder. 
 
 It grilled me to discover that she did not even so 
 much as take me into consideration. 
 
 "You mean since the er divorce?" I inquired. 
 
 " She has been in seclusion all of the time. She 
 has seen no man, that is to say, no man for whom 
 she could possibly entertain a But, of course, you
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 313 
 
 are mistaken in your impression, Mr. Smart. There 
 is absolutely nothing in what you say." 
 
 " A former sweetheart, antedating her marriage," I 
 suggested hopelessly. 
 
 " She has no sweetheart. Of that I am positive, * 
 said she with conviction. 
 
 " She must have had an army of admirers. They 
 were legion after her marriage, I may be pardoned for 
 reminding you. " 
 
 She started. " Has she never mentioned Lord Am- 
 berdale to you? " she asked. 
 
 "Amberdale?" I repeated, with a queer sinking of 
 the heart. "No, Mrs. Titus. An Englishman?" 
 
 She was mistress of herself once more. In a very 
 degage manner she informed me that his lordship, a 
 most attractive and honourable young Englishman, 
 had been one of Aline s warmest friends at the time 
 of the divorce proceedings. But, of course, there was 
 nothing in that! They had been good friends for 
 years, nothing more, and he was a perfect dear. 
 
 But she couldn t fool me. I could see that there 
 was something working at the back of her mind, but 
 whether she was distressed or gratified I was not by 
 way of knowing. 
 
 " I ve never heard her mention Lord Amberdale," 
 said I. 
 
 Her eyes narrowed slightly. Had I but known, the 
 mere fact that the Countess had not spoken of his lord 
 ship provided her experienced mother with an excellent 
 reason for believing that there was something between 
 them. She abruptly brought the conversation to a 
 close and left me, saying that she was off for her 
 beauty nap. 
 
 Alone, I soon became a prey to certain disquieting
 
 314 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 thoughts. Summed up, they resolved themselves into 
 a condition of certainty which admitted of but one 
 aspect : the charming Countess was in love with Amber- 
 dale. And the shocking part of it all was that she was 
 in love with him prior to her separation from Tar- 
 nowsy! I felt a cold perspiration start out all over 
 my body as this condition forced itself upon me. He 
 was the man ; he had been the man from the beginning. 
 My heart was like lead for the rest of the day, and, 
 very curiously, for a leaden thing it was subject to 
 pain. 
 
 Just before dinner, Britton, after inspecting me out 
 of the corner of his eye for some time, advised me to 
 try a little brandy. 
 
 " You look seedy, sir," he said with concern in his 
 voice. " A cold setting in perhaps, sir." 
 
 I tried the brandy, but not because I thought I was 
 taking a cold. Somehow it warmed me up. There is 
 virtue in good spirits. 
 
 The Countess was abroad very early the next morn 
 ing. I discovered her in the courtyard, giving direc 
 tions to Max and Rudolph who were doing some spading 
 in the garden. She looked very bright and fresh and 
 enticing in the light of an early moon, and I was not 
 only pleased but astonished, having been led to believe 
 all my life that a woman, no matter how pretty she 
 may be, appears at her worst when the day is young. 
 
 I joined her at once. She gave me a gay, accusing 
 smile. 
 
 " What have you been saying to mother ? " she de 
 manded, as she shook hands with me. " I thought you 
 were to be trusted." 
 
 I flushed uncomfortably. " I m sorry, Countess. 
 I I didn t know it was a secret."
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 315 
 
 She looked at me somewhat quizzically for a moment. 
 Then she laughed softly. " It is a secret." 
 
 " I hope I haven t got you into bad odour with 
 your " 
 
 " Oh, dear me, no ! I m not in the least worried over 
 what mother may think. I shall do as I please, so 
 there s the end of it." 
 
 I swallowed something that seemed to be sticking 
 in my throat. " Then it is true that you are going to 
 marry? " 
 
 " Quite," she said succinctly. 
 
 I was silent for a moment. " Well, I m I m glad 
 to know it in time," I said, rather more gruffly than was 
 necessary. 
 
 She smiled too merrily, I thought. " You must not 
 tell any one else about it, however." 
 
 " I can promise that," I said, a sullen rage in my 
 soul. " Devils could not drag it out of me. Rest 
 easy." 
 
 It occurred to me afterwards that she laughed rather 
 jerkily, you might say uneasily. At any rate, she 
 turned away and began speaking to Max. 
 
 " Have you had your breakfast? " I asked stupidly. 
 
 "No." * 
 
 "Neither have I. Will you join me?" 
 
 " Isn t it getting to be a habit? " 
 
 " Breakfast or you? " 
 
 " Breakfast and me." 
 
 " I confess, my dear Countess, that I like you for 
 breakfast," I said gallantly. 
 
 " That is a real tribute," she said demurely, and 
 took her place beside me. Together we crossed the 
 courtyard. 
 
 On the steps Colingraft Titus was standing. I ut-
 
 316 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 tered an audible groan and winced as if in dire pain. 
 
 " What is it? " she cried quickly. 
 
 " Rheumatism," I announced, carefully raising my 
 right arm and affecting an expression of torture. I 
 am not a physical coward, kind reader. The fact 
 that young Mr. Titus carried in his hands a set of 
 formidable looking boxing-gloves did not frighten me. 
 Heaven knows, if it would give him any pleasure to 
 slam me about with a pair of gloves, I am not without 
 manliness and pluck enough to endure physical pain 
 and mental humiliation. It was diplomacy, cunning, 
 astuteness, whatever you may choose to call it, 
 that stood between me and a friendly encounter with 
 him. Two minutes time would serve to convince him 
 that he was my master, and then where would I be? 
 Where would be the prestige I had gained? Where 
 my record as a conqueror? " I must have caught cold 
 in my arms and shoulders," I went on, making worse 
 faces than before as I moved the afflicted parts ex 
 perimentally. 
 
 " There ! " she exclaimed ruefully. " I knew you 
 would catch cold. Men always do. I m so sorry." 
 
 " It s nothing," I made haste to explain : " that is, 
 nothing serious. I ll get rid of it in no time at all." 
 I calculated for a minute. " A week or ten days at 
 the most. Good morning, Colingraft." 
 
 "Morning. Hello, sis. Well?" He dangled the 
 gloves before my eyes. 
 
 My disappointment was quite pathetic. " Tell 
 him," I said to the Countess. 
 
 " He s all crippled up with rheumatism, Colly," she 
 said. " Put those ugly things away. We re going 
 in to breakfast." 
 
 He tossed the gloves into a corner of the vestibule.
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 317 
 
 I felt a little ashamed of my subterfuge in the face of 
 his earnest expression of concern. 
 
 " Tell you what I ll do," he said warmly. " I know 
 how to rub a fellow s muscles " 
 
 " Oh, I have a treasure in Britton," said I, hastily. 
 " Thanks, old man. He will work it out of me. Sorry 
 we can t have a go this morning." 
 
 The worst of it all was that he insisted, as a matter 
 of personal education, on coming to my room after 
 breakfast to watch the expert manoeuvres of Britton 
 in kneading the stiffness out of my muscles. He was 
 looking for new ideas, he explained. I first consulted 
 Britton and then resignedly consented to the demon 
 stration. 
 
 To my surprise, Britton was something of an expert. 
 I confess that he almost killed me with those strong, 
 iron-like hands of his ; if I was not sore when he began 
 with me, I certainly was when he finished. Colingraft 
 was most enthusiastic. He said he d never seen any 
 one manipulate the muscles so scientifically as Britton, 
 and ventured the opinion that he would not have to re 
 peat the operation often. To myself I said that he 
 wouldn t have to repeat it at all. 
 
 We began laying our plans for the fourteenth. 
 Communications arrived from Italy, addressed to me 
 but intended for either the Countess or the rather re 
 mote Mr. Bangs, who seemed better qualified to efface 
 himself than any human being I ve ever seen. These 
 letters informed us that a yacht one of three now 
 cruising in the Mediterranean would call at an ap 
 pointed port on such and such a day to take her out to 
 sea. Everything was being arranged on the outside 
 for her escape from the continent, and precision seemed 
 to be the watchword.
 
 Of course I couldn t do a stroke of work on my 
 novel. How could I be expected to devote myself to 
 fiction when fact was staring me in the face so engag 
 ingly? We led an idle, dolce far niente life in these 
 days, with an underlying touch of anxiety and excite 
 ment that increased as the day for her departure drew 
 near. I confess to a sickening sense of depression that 
 could not be shaken off. 
 
 Half of my time was spent in playing with Rosemary. 
 She became dearer to me with each succeeding day. 
 I knew I should miss her tremendously. I should even 
 miss Jinko, who didn t like me but who no longer 
 growled at me. The castle would be a very gloomy, 
 drear place after they were out of it. I found myself 
 wondering how long I would be able to endure the lone 
 liness. Secretly I cherished the idea of selling the 
 place if I could find a lunatic in the market. 
 
 An unexpected diversion came one day when, without 
 warning and figuratively out of a clear sky, the Haz- 
 zards and the Billy Smiths swooped down upon me. 
 They had come up the river in the power boat for a 
 final September run, and planned to stop over night 
 with me! 
 
 They were the last people in the world whom I could 
 turn away from my door. There might have been a 
 chance to put them up for the night and still avoid dis 
 closures, had not circumstance ordered that the Count 
 ess and I should be working in the garden at the very 
 moment that brought them pounding at the postern 
 gates. Old Conrad opened the gate in complete igno 
 rance of our presence in the garden. (We happened 
 to be in a somewhat obscure nook and seated upon 
 a stone bench so he must be held blameless.) The
 
 319 
 
 quartette brushed past the old man and I, hearing their 
 chatter, foolishly exposed myself. 
 
 I shall not attempt to describe the scene that fol 
 lowed their discovery of the Countess Tarnowsy. Be 
 it said, however, to the credit of Elsie and Betty Billy, 
 the startled refugee was fairly smothered in kisses and 
 tears and almost deafened by the shrill, delighted ex 
 clamations that fell from their eager lips. I doubt 
 if there ever was such a sensation before! 
 
 They brought rather interesting news concerning 
 the Count. It appears that he and the baron had 
 quarrelled and at the time of my friends departure 
 from Vienna it was pretty generally understood that 
 there would be a duel. 
 
 "I never liked the baron," I said, with a grim smile 
 that could not have been misinterpreted, " but I hope 
 to heavens he isn t killed." 
 
 Mrs. Titus sighed. " Tarnowsy is regarded as a 
 wonderful marksman." 
 
 " Worse luck ! " growled Colingraf t, gloomily twid 
 dling his thumbs. 
 
 " What kind of a shot is the baron? " asked Jasper 
 Jr., hopefully. 
 
 No one was able to enlighten him, but Billy Smith 
 shook his head dolefully. 
 
 " Maris Tarnowsy is a dead shot. He ll pot the 
 baron sure." 
 
 " Hang it all," said I, and then lapsed into a hor 
 rified silence. 
 
 When the Hazzards and Smiths departed the next 
 morning they were in full possession of all of our plans, 
 hopes and secrets, but they were bound by promises
 
 320 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 that would have haunted them throughout all eternity 
 if they allowed them to be violated. I do not recall 
 having seen two more intensely excited, radiant women 
 in my life than Elsie and Betty Billy. They were in an 
 ecstatic state of mind. Their husbands, but little less 
 excited, offered to help us in every way possible, and, to 
 prove their earnest, turned the prow of the motor-boat 
 down-stream, abandoning the trip up the river in order 
 to be in Vienna in case I should need them for any 
 purpose whatsoever. 
 
 " You may rest easy so far as I am concerned, Mrs. 
 Titus," said the young diplomat. " As a representa 
 tive of the United States government I can t become 
 publicly involved in this international muddle. I ve 
 just got to keep my lips sealed. If it were discovered 
 that I knew of all this, my head would be under the 
 snickersnee in no time at all. Swish! Officially sui 
 cided!" 
 
 At ten o clock the next morning I was called to the 
 telephone. Smith had startling news to impart. 
 Count Tarnowsy and Baron Umovitch had engaged in 
 a duel with pistols at sunrise and the latter had gone 
 down with a bullet through his lungs ! He died an hour 
 later. Tarnowsy, according to the rumours flying 
 about official Vienna, was already on his way to Berlin, 
 where he would probably remain in seclusion until the 
 affair blew over or imperial forgiveness was extended 
 to him. 
 
 There was cause for satisfaction among us, even 
 though the baron had fallen instead of the count. 
 The sensational affair would serve to keep Tarnowsy 
 under cover for some weeks at least and minimise the 
 dangers attending the Countess s flight from the 
 castle. Still, I could not help feeling disappointed over
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 321 
 
 the outcome of the meeting. Why couldn t Count 
 Tarnowsy have been the one to fall? 
 
 The Countess, very pale and distrait, gave utter 
 ance to her feelings in a most remarkable speech. She 
 said : " This is one of the few fine things that Maris 
 has ever done. I am glad that he killed that man. 
 He should have done so long ago, the beast ! He 
 was ugh ! the most despicable creature I ve ever 
 known." 
 
 She said no more than this, but one could readily 
 grasp all that she left unuttered. 
 
 Colingraft rather sententiously remarked to little 
 Rosemary, who could not have comprehended the words, 
 of course : " Well, little Rosebud, your papa may be 
 a spendthrift but he never wastes bullets." 
 
 Which was entirely uncalled for, I contend. I was 
 struck by the swift look of dread that leaped into 
 Aline s eyes and her pallor. 
 
 On top of all this came the astonishing news, by 
 cipher despatch from old Jasper Titus s principal ad 
 viser in London, that his offer of one million dollars 
 had been declined by Tarnowsy two days before, the 
 Count having replied through his lawyers that nothing 
 short of two millions would induce him to relinquish all 
 claims to his child. 
 
 I had been ignorant of this move in the case, and 
 expressed my surprise. 
 
 " I asked father to do it, Mr. Smart," said the 
 Countess dejectedly. " It seemed the easiest way out 
 of our difficulties and the cheapest. He will never 
 give in to this new demand, though. We must make 
 the best of it." 
 
 "But why did you suggest such a thing to him?" 
 I demanded with heat.
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 She looked hurt. " Because you seemed to think 
 it was the right and honourable thing to do," she said 
 patiently. " I do not forget what you said to me, days 
 and days ago, even though it may have slipped your 
 mind. You said that a bargain is a bargain and 
 well, I had Mr. Bangs write father just what you 
 thought about it." 
 
 There was a suspicion of tears in her voice as she 
 turned away and left me without another word. She 
 was quite out of sight around the bend in the staircase, 
 and her little boots were clattering swiftly upwards, 
 before I fully grasped the significance of her explana 
 tion or, I might better say, her reproach. It slowly 
 dawned upon me that I had said a great many things 
 to her that it would pay me to remember before ques 
 tioning her motives in any particular. 
 
 As the day for her departure drew nearer, it was 
 now but forty-eight hours away, her manner seemed 
 to undergo a complete change. She became moody, 
 nervous, depressed. Of course, all this was attribu 
 table to the dread of discovery and capture when she 
 was once outside the great walls of Schloss Rothhoefen. 
 I could understand her feelings, and rather lamely at 
 tempted to bolster up her courage by making light of 
 the supposed perils. 
 
 She looked at me with a certain pathetic sombreness 
 in her eyes that caused my heart to ache. All of her 
 joyous raillery was gone, all of her gentle arrogance. 
 Her sole interest in life in these last days seemed to be 
 of a sacrificial nature. She was sweet and gentle with 
 every one, with me in particular, I may say, and 
 there was something positively humble in her attitude 
 of self-abnegation. Where she had once been wilful 
 and ironic, she was now gentle and considerate. Nor
 
 I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS 323 
 
 was I the only one to note these subtle changes in her. 
 I doubt, however, if the others were less puzzled than I. 
 In fact, Mrs. Titus was palpably perplexed, and there 
 were times when I caught her eyeing me with distinct 
 disapproval, as if she were seeking in me the cause of 
 her daughter s weaknesses ; as much as to say : " What 
 other nonsense have you been putting into the poor 
 child s head, you wretch ? " 
 
 I went up to have a parting romp with Rosemary 
 on the last night of her stay with me, to have my last 
 sip of honey from her delectable neck. The Countess 
 paid but little attention to us. She sat over in the 
 window and stared out into the dusky shadows of the 
 falling night. My heart was sore. I was miserable. 
 The last romp ! 
 
 Blake finally snatched Rosemary off to bed. It was 
 then that the Countess aroused herself and came over 
 to me with a sad little smile on her lips. 
 
 " Good night," she said, rather wistfully, holding 
 out her hand to me. 
 
 I deliberately glanced at my watch. " It s only ten 
 minutes past eight," I said, reproachfully. 
 
 " I know," she said, quietly. " Good night."
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 
 
 FOUR o clock in the morning is a graceless hour. 
 Graveyards may yawn at twelve but even they are con 
 tent to slumber at four. I don t believe there is any 
 thing so desolate in this world as the mental perspective 
 one obtains at four o clock. Tombstones are bright 
 beacons of cheer as compared to the monumental regret 
 one experiences on getting up to greet the alleged and 
 vastly over-rated glories of a budding day. The sun 
 rise is a pall! It is a deadly, dour thing. It may 
 be pink and red and golden and full of all the splen 
 dours of the east, but it is a resurrection and you can t 
 make anything else out of it. Staying up till four and 
 then going to bed gives one an idea of the sunrise that 
 is not supported by the facts ; there is but one way to 
 appreciate the real nature of the hateful thing called 
 idawn, and that is to get up with it instead of taking 
 it to bed with you. 
 
 Still, I suppose the sun has to come up and perhaps 
 it is just as well that it does so at an hour when people 
 are least likely to suspect it of anything so shabby. 
 
 Four o clock is more than a graceless, sodden hour 
 when it ushers in a day that you know is to be the un- 
 happiest in your life; when you know that you are to 
 say farewell forever to the hopes begot and nurtured 
 in other days ; when the one you love smiles and goes 
 away to smile again but not for you. And that is just 
 what four o clock on the morning of the fourteenth of 
 
 September meant to me. 
 
 324
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 325 
 
 Britton and I set forth in the automobile just at the 
 break of dawn, crossing the river a few miles below the 
 castle, and running back to a point on the right hand 
 bank where we were to await the arrival of the boat 
 conveying the Countess and her escort. Her luggage, 
 carefully disguised as crated merchandise, had gone to 
 Trieste by fast express a couple of days before, sent 
 in my name and consigned to a gentleman whose name 
 I do not now recall, but who in reality served as a sort 
 of middleman in transferring the shipment to the cus 
 tody of a certain yacht s commander. 
 
 It was required of me and of my machine, which 
 is more to the point that the distance of one hun 
 dred and twenty miles through the foothills of the Aus 
 trian Alps should be covered and the passengers deliv 
 ered at a certain railway station fifty miles or more 
 south of Vienna before ten o clock that night. There 
 they were to catch a train for the little seaport on the 
 upper Adriatic, the name of which I was sworn never 
 to reveal, and, as I have not considered it worth while 
 to be released from that oath, I am of necessity com 
 pelled to omit the mention of it here. 
 
 Mr. Bangs went on to Vienna the night before our 
 departure, taking with him Helene Marie Louise An 
 toinette, a rather shocking arrangement you would say 
 unless you had come to know the British lawyer as well 
 as we knew him. They were to proceed by the early 
 morning train to this obscure seaport. Colingraft 
 Titus elected to accompany his sister the entire length 
 of the journey, with the faithful Blake and Rosemary. 
 
 Billy Smith was to meet us a few miles outside the 
 town for which we were bound, with a word of warning 
 if there was anything sinister in the wind. 
 
 I heard afterwards from Poopendyke that the de-
 
 326 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 parture of the Countess and Rosemary from the castle 
 in the grey t forlorn dawn of that historic fourteenth 
 was attended by a demonstration of grief on the part 
 of the four Schmicks that was far beyond his powers of 
 description, and he possesses a wonderful ability to 
 describe lachrymose situations, rather running to that 
 style of incident, I may say. The elder Schmicks 
 wailed and boo-hooed and proclaimed to the topmost 
 turrets that the sun would never shine again for either 
 of them, and, to prove that she was quite in earnest 
 about the matter, Gretel fell off the dock into the river 
 and was nearly drowned before Jasper, Jr., could dive 
 in and get her. Their sons, both of whom cherished 
 amorous feelings for Blake, sighed so prodigiously 
 all the way down the river that the boat rocked. In 
 cidentally, during the excitement, Jinko, who was to 
 remain behind and journey westward later on with Mrs. 
 Titus and Jasper, Jr., succeeded after weeks of vain 
 endeavour in smartly nipping the calf of Hawkes left 
 leg, a feat of which he no doubt was proud but which 
 sentenced my impressive butler to an everlasting dread 
 of hydrophobia and a temporary limp. 
 
 It was nearing five o clock when the boat slipped into 
 view around the tree-covered point of land and headed 
 straight for our hiding place on the bank. 
 
 I shall not stop here to describe the firsC stage of our 
 journey through the narrow, rocky by-roads that 
 ended eventually in the broad, alpine highway south and 
 west of Vienna. Let it be sufficient to say that we 
 jostled along for twelve or fifteen miles without special 
 incident, although we were nervously anxious and ap 
 prehensive. Our guide book pointed, or rather twid 
 dled, a route from the river flats into the hills, where 
 we came up with the main road about eight o clock.
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 327 
 
 We were wrapped and goggled to the verge of ludi- 
 crousness. It would have been quite impossible to 
 penetrate our motor-masks and armour, even for one 
 possessed of a keen and practiced eye. The Countess 
 was heavily veiled; great goggles bulged beneath the 
 green, gauzy thing that protected her lovely face from 
 sun, wind and man. A motor coat, two or three sizes 
 too large, enveloped her slender, graceful figure, and 
 gauntlets covered her hands. Even Rosemary s tiny 
 face was wrapped in a silken veil of white. As for the 
 rest of us, we could not have been mistaken for any 
 thing on earth but American automobilists, ruthlessly 
 inspired to see Europe with the sole view to comparing 
 her roads with our own at home. You would have 
 said, on seeing us, that we knew a great deal about 
 roads and very little about home. 
 
 Colingraft and Britton, the latter at the wheel, 
 sat in the front seat, while I shared the broad cushions 
 of the tonneau with the Countess, part of the time hold 
 ing Rosemary, who was clamouring for food, and the 
 rest of the time holding my breath in the fear that we 
 might slip over a precipice. I am always nervous when 
 not driving the car myself. 
 
 We stopped for breakfast at a small mountain inn, 
 fifteen miles from our starting place. The Countess, 
 a faint red spot in each cheek and a curiously bright, 
 feverish glow in her dark eyes, revealed a tendency to 
 monopolise the conversation, a condition properly at 
 tributed to nervous excitement. I could see that she 
 was vastly thrilled by the experiences of the hour ; her 
 quick, alert brain was keeping pace with the rush of 
 blood that stimulated every fibre in her body to new 
 activities. She talked almost incessantly, and chiefly 
 about matters entirely foreign to the enterprise in hand.
 
 328 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 The more I see of women, the less I know about them. 
 Why she should have spent the whole half hour de 
 voted to breakfast to a surprisingly innocuous disser 
 tation on Schopenhauer and Nietzsche is or was 
 beyond me. 
 
 How was I to know that tears lay close to the surface 
 of those shimmering, vivacious eyes? How was I to 
 know that sobs took refuge behind a simulated interest 
 in philosophy? 
 
 We had luncheon picnic fashion half-way to our 
 journey s end, diverging from the main road to find a 
 secluded spot where we could spread our cloth and open 
 our hampers without fear of interruption or, to use a 
 more sinister word, detection. It was rather a jolly 
 aifair, that first and last al fresco banquet of ours 
 under the spreading branches of mighty trees and be 
 side the trickling waters of a gay little mountain brook 
 that hurried like mad down to the broad channel of 
 the Danube, now many miles away. The strain of the 
 first few hours had slackened. Success seemed assured. 
 We had encountered no difficulties, no dangers in town 
 or country. No one appeared to be interested in us 
 except through idle curiosity ; villagers and peasants 
 stared at us and grinned ; policemen and soldiers stood 
 aside to let us pass, or gave directions politely when 
 requested to do so. There were no signs of pursuit, 
 no indications of trouble ahead. And so .we could af 
 ford to be gay and confident at our midday meal in the 
 hills bordering the broad highway. 
 
 We even went so far as to arrange for a jolly reunion 
 in New York City at no distant day ! I remember dis 
 tinctly that we were to dine at Sherry s. To me, the 
 day seemed a long way off. 
 
 I suppose, being a writer of fiction, I should be able
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 329 
 
 to supply at this point in the narrative, a series of 
 thrilling, perhaps hair-raising encounters with the 
 enemy, in the form of spies, cut-throats, imperial mer 
 cenaries or whatever came handiest to the imagination. 
 It would be a very simple matter to transform this 
 veracious history into the most lurid of melodramas by 
 the introduction of the false and bizarre, but it is not 
 my purpose to do so. I mean to adhere strictly to 
 the truth and stand by the consequences. Were I in 
 clined to sensationalism it would be no trouble at all 
 for me to have Tarnowsy s agents shooting at our tires 
 or gasoline tank from every crag and cranny; or to 
 have Rosemary kidnapped by aeroplanists supplied 
 with drag-hooks ; or to have the Countess lodged in a 
 village prison from which I should be obliged to liberate 
 her with battle-axe and six-shooter, my compensation 
 being a joyous rest in a hospital with the fair Aline 
 nursing me back to health and strength and cooing 
 fond words in my rapacious ear the while I reflected on 
 the noble endowments of a nature that heretofore had 
 been commonplace and meek. But, no ! None of these 
 things happened and I decline to perjure myself for 
 the privilege of getting into the list of " six best 
 sellers." 
 
 So far as I am able to judge, there was absolutely 
 no heroism displayed during our flight through the 
 hills and valleys, unless you are willing to accept as 
 such a single dash of sixty miles an hour which Britton 
 made in order to avoid a rain-shower that threatened 
 to flank us if we observed the speed laws. 
 
 But wait! There was an example of bravado on 
 my part that shall not go unrecorded. I hesitated at 
 first to put it down in writing, but my sense of honour 
 urges me to confess everything. It happened just
 
 330 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 after that memorable picnic luncheon in the shady dell. 
 The Countess, I maintain, was somewhat to blame for 
 the incident. She suggested that we, that is to say, 
 the two of us, explore the upper recesses of this pic 
 turesque spot while the others were making ready for 
 the resumption of our journey. 
 
 Shame, contrition, humiliation or whatever you may 
 elect to call it, forbids a lengthy or even apologetic 
 explanation of what followed her unfortunate sugges 
 tion. I shall get over with it in as few words as pos 
 sible. 
 
 In the most obscure spot in all those ancient hills, 
 I succumbed to an execrable impulse to take her forcibly 
 in my arms and kiss her! I don t know why I did it, 
 or how, but that is just what happened. My shame, 
 my horror over the transcendental folly was made al 
 most unbearable by the way in which she took it. At 
 first I thought she had swooned, she lay so limp and 
 unresisting in my arms. My only excuse, whispered 
 penitently in her ear, was that I couldn t help doing 
 what I had done, and that I deserved to be drawn and 
 quartered for taking advantage of my superior 
 strength and her gentle forbearance. Strange to say, 
 she merely looked at me in a sort of dumb wonder and 
 quietly released herself, still staring at me as if I were 
 the most inexplicable puzzle in the world. Her cheeks, 
 her throat, her brow grew warm and pink with a just 
 indignation; her lips parted but she uttered no word. 
 Then I followed her dejectedly, cravenly back to the 
 roadside and executed an inward curse that would 
 hang over my miserable head so long as it was on my 
 shoulders. 
 
 Her vivacity was gone. She shrank down into the 
 corner of the seat, and, with her back half turned
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 331 
 
 toward me, gazed steadfastly at the panoramic valley 
 which we were skirting. From time to time I glanced 
 at her out of the corners of my eyes, and eventually 
 was somewhat relieved to see that she had closed her 
 own and was dozing. My soul was in despair. She 
 loathed, despised me. I could not blame her. I de 
 spised myself. 
 
 And yet my heart quickened every time I allowed 
 myself to think of the crime I had committed. 
 
 The day was a glorious one and the road more than 
 passably good. We bowled along at a steady rate of 
 speed and sundown found us about twenty-five miles 
 from our destination. Not caring to run the risk of 
 a prolonged stay in the town, we drew up at a roadside 
 inn and had our dinner in the quaint little garden, after 
 wards proceeding leisurely by moonlight down the 
 sloping highway. 
 
 Billy Smith met us six or eight miles out and we 
 stopped to parley. He examined the Countess s skilfully 
 prepared passports, pronounced them genuine ( !), 
 and then gave us the cheerful news that " every 
 thing was lovely and the goose hung high." The 
 train for the coast was due to leave the Staats-bahn- 
 hof at 10.05, and we had an hour to spare. He pro 
 posed that we spend it quite comfortably at the road- 
 rfide while Britton went through the pretence of re 
 pairing our tires. This seemed an agreeable ar 
 rangement for every one but Britton, who looked so 
 glum that I, glad of the excuse, offered to help him. 
 
 No sooner was I out of the car and Billy Smith 
 in my place beside the Countess than she became quite 
 gay and vivacious once more. She laughed and 
 chatted with him in a manner that promptly convinced 
 me that propinquity so far as I was concerned had
 
 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 had a most depressing effect upon her, and that she 
 revelled in the change of companions. 
 
 I was. so disturbed by the discovery that Britton 
 had to caution me several times to handle the inner 
 tubes less roughly or I would damage them and we 
 might suffer a blow-out after all. 
 
 Every one appeared to be gay and frivolous, even 
 Blake, who chattered sotto voce with Britton, that ex 
 cellent rascal spending most of his time leaning against 
 the spare tires in order to catch what she was saying 
 for his benefit. All efforts to draw me into the gen 
 eral conversation were unavailing. I was as morose 
 and unresponsive as an Egyptian mummy, and for a 
 very excellent reason, I submit. The Countess de 
 liberately refused to address a single remark to me. 
 Indeed, when I seemed perilously near to being drawn 
 into the conversation she relapsed into a silence that 
 was most forbidding. My cup of misery was over 
 flowing. 
 
 I wondered if she would feel called upon, at some 
 distant confessional, to tell the fortunate Lord Am- 
 berdale that I had brutally kissed her. And Lord 
 Amberdale would grin in his beastly supercilious Eng 
 lish way and say : " What else could you have ex 
 pected from a bally American bounder? " She would 
 no doubt smile indulgently. 
 
 Heigh-ho ! 
 
 All things come to an end, however. We found our 
 selves at last uttering our good-byes in the railway 
 station, surrounded by hurrying travellers and at 
 tended by eager porters. 
 
 The Countess did not lift her veil. I deliberately 
 drew her aside. My hot hand clasped hers, and found 
 it as cold as ice and trembling.
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 333 
 
 " For God s sake," I whispered hoarsely in my hum 
 bleness, " say that you forgive me? " 
 
 She did not speak for many seconds. Then her 
 voice was very low and tremulous. I felt that her 
 sombre eyes were accusing me even as they tried to meet 
 my own with a steadiness that was meant to be reas 
 suring. 
 
 " Of course I forgive you," she said. " You have 
 been so good to me." 
 
 " Good ! " I cried bitterly. " I ve been harsh, un 
 reasoning, super-critical from the day I met " 
 
 " Hush ! " she said, laying her free hand upon my 
 arm. " I shall never forget all that you have done 
 for me. I I can say no more." 
 
 I gulped. * I pray to heaven that you may be 
 happy, Aline, happier than any one else in the 
 world." 
 
 She lowered her head suddenly, and I was made more 
 miserable than before by hearing a quick, half-sup 
 pressed sob. Then she withdrew her cold little hand 
 and turned away to follow Colingraft who had called 
 out to her. 
 
 I saw them board the train. In my heart there was 
 the memory of a dozen kisses I had bestowed in re 
 pentant horror upon the half-asleep Rosemary, who, 
 God bless her little soul, cried bitterly on being torn 
 away from my embrace. 
 
 " Well," said Billy Smith, taking me by the arm a 
 few minutes later, " let s have a bite to eat and a cold 
 bottle before we go to bed, old chap. I hope to heaven 
 she gets through all right. Damme, I am strong for 
 her, aren t you?" 
 
 " I am," said I, with conviction, coming out of a 
 idaze.
 
 334 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 He led me off to a cafe where he seemed to be more 
 or less at home, and where it was bright and gay for 
 him but gloomier than the grave to me. 
 
 I drove the car home the next day. When we got 
 down at the garage, Britton shivered and drew a prodi 
 gious breath. It was as if he had not breathed for 
 hours. We had gone the distance in little more than 
 half the time taken on the trip down. 
 
 " My word, sir," was all he said, but there was a 
 significant tremor in his voice. It smacked of pride. 
 
 Mrs. Titus placidly inquired how we had got along, 
 and appeared quite relieved when I told her we had 
 
 caught the train at K . Jasper, Jr., revealed a 
 
 genuine interest in the enterprise, but spoiled it all by 
 saying that Aline, now prematurely safe, was most 
 likely to leap out of the frying-pan into the fire by mar 
 rying some blithering foreigner and having the whole 
 beastly business to do over again. 
 
 " How soon do they go ? " asked Poopendyke late 
 that afternoon, after listening to Mrs. Titus s amiable 
 prophecies concerning Aline s future activities, and 
 getting my harassed ear in a moment of least resist 
 ance. 
 
 " I don t know," said I, hopelessly. I had heard 
 about all I could endure concerning his lordship s 
 magnificent estates in England, and the sort of a lord 
 he was besides. " There s nothing to do but wait, 
 Fred." 
 
 " She is a remarkably fine woman but " He com 
 pleted the estimate by shaking his head, trusting to 
 my intelligence, I suppose. 
 
 We waited two days for word from the fugitives. 
 Late in the afternoon of the second day, Britton re-
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 335 
 
 turned from town with a telegram for me. It said: 
 
 " Cargo safely aboard Pendennis, Captain Pardee com 
 manding. Clear at two to-day. Everything satisfactory. 
 (Signed) " C. G. RAFT." 
 
 No sooner was this reassuring news received than 
 Mrs. Titus complacently set about having her trunks 
 packed. The entire household was in a stew of activity, 
 for she had suddenly decided to catch the eight o clock 
 train for Paris. I telephoned to reserve accommodation 
 on the Orient Express from Vienna, and also to have it 
 stopped at the town across the river, a concession se 
 cured at a no inconsiderable cost. 
 
 She was to travel once more as my mother. 
 
 " You will not fail to look us up when you come to 
 New York, will you, Mr. Smart? Mr. Titus will not 
 be happy until he has expressed to you in person his 
 endless gratitude. You have been splendid. We shall 
 never forget your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your 
 your forbearance. I I " 
 
 Upon my word, there were real tears in the dear 
 lady s eyes! I forgot and forgave much in recogni 
 tion of this instant of genuine feeling on her part. 
 It was not necessary for her to complete the sentence 
 so humbly begun. 
 
 Their departure was made with some degree of cau 
 tion, Mrs. Titus rather considerately reminding herself 
 that my interests were at stake. I saw them aboard 
 the train ; she played her part admirably, I will say that 
 for her. She lifted her veil so that I could bestow a 
 farewell filial kiss upon her cheek. Jasper, Jr. s, eyes 
 popped very wide open at this, and, as he shook my 
 hand warmly at parting, he said: 
 
 " You are a wonder, John, a sure enough wonder. 
 Why, hang it all, she doesn t even let dad do that."
 
 336 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 But Jasper, Jr., was very young and he couldn t un 
 derstand. 
 
 At last we were to ourselves, my extensive household 
 and I. Late that night I sat in my study considering 
 the best means of reducing my staff of servants and in 
 computing, with dismay, the cost of being a princely 
 host to people who had not the least notion what it 
 meant to do sums in economic subtraction. It was soon 
 apparent to me that retrenchment, stern and relentless, 
 would have to follow upon my wild though brief season 
 of profligacy. I decided to dismiss the scullery-maid. 
 
 I was indescribably lonely. Poopendyke was wor 
 ried about my pallor, my lassitude. At the end of a 
 week, he took it upon himself to drop a line to the 
 Hazzards, urging them to run out for a visit in the 
 hope that company might take me out of myself. All 
 attempts to renew my work on the ill-fated novel met 
 with utter failure. The power of mental concentra 
 tion was gone. I spent most of my time in the garden. 
 
 The Hazzards came and with them the joyously 
 beautiful Betty Billy. Poopendyke must have pre 
 pared them for the task in hand, for they proceeded at 
 once to transform the bleak, dreary old castle into a 
 sort of hilarious merry-go-round, with me in the very 
 vortex of it all. They succeeded in taking me " out 
 of myself," I will say that for them. My spirits took 
 an upward bound and, wonderful to relate, retained 
 their altitude in spite of all I could do to lower them. 
 I did not want to be happy ; I figured that I owed it to 
 my recently aroused temperament to be permanently 
 unhappy. But the wind blew another way and I 
 drifted amiably with it, as a derelict drifts with the 
 currents of the ocean but preferably with the warm 
 gulf stream.
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 337 
 
 We had word from Mrs. Titus, in London, that 
 negotiations had been reopened with the Count, and that 
 a compromise might be expected. The obdurate no 
 bleman had agreed, it seemed, to meet Jasper Titus s 
 lawyers in Paris at no distant date. My chief concern 
 however was for the Countess herself. That she had 
 successfully reached the high seas was apparent ; if not, 
 the newspapers, which I read with eagerness, would have 
 been filled with accounts of her seizure. We eagerly 
 awaited the promised cablegram from New York, an 
 nouncing her safe arrival there.. 
 
 Smith joined us at the end of the week. I nerved 
 myself to question him about the Englishman. 
 
 " Splendid fellow," said he, with discouraging 
 fervour. " One of the finest chaps I know, eh, 
 George?" 
 
 " For an Englishman," admitted Hazzard. 
 
 " He s a gentleman, and that s more than you can say 
 for the rag-tag of nobility that paid court to Aline 
 Tarnowsy. He was in love with her, but he was a gen 
 tleman about it. A thoroughbred, I say." 
 
 " Good looking? " I enquired. 
 
 " Well, rather ! The sort of chap women rave about. 
 Ask Betty. She was mad about him. But he couldn t 
 see anything in her. I think she hates him now. He 
 had eyes for no one but the fair Countess. An awful 
 grind on Betty. She s used to something different." 
 
 Hazzard studied the clouds that drifted over our 
 heads. " I wonder if Aline cared anything for him." 
 
 " I ve always believed that she liked him better than 
 she cared to admit, even to herself." 
 
 " I fancy he ll not let any grass grow under his feet, 
 now that she s free," said Dr. Hazzard. 
 
 "Think she ll have him?"
 
 338 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Why not? He has a much better position in Eng 
 land than Tarnowsy has here, and he s not after her 
 money. I hate to say it, but Aline is a seeker after 
 titles. She wouldn t be averse to adding your lady 
 ship to her collection." 
 
 " Oh, come ! " I protested. " That is a nasty thing 
 to say, George." 
 
 " She may have been regenerated," he said obli 
 gingly. " You know her better than I do, old chap. 
 What say? " 
 
 " I didn t say anything," I muttered. 
 
 " I thought you did." 
 
 I hesitated a moment and then purged myself of the 
 truth. " As a matter of fact, I have reason to believe 
 she s in love with Amberdale and has been for a long 
 time. I m not saying it in disparagement, believe me. 
 God knows she s entitled to something decent and fine 
 in the shape of love. I hope he s good enough for 
 her." 
 
 They looked at me with interest, and Smith broke the 
 momentary silence. 
 
 " Oh, he s good enough for her," he said, with a 
 queer smile. 
 
 " I m glad of that," I said gruffly. 
 
 " The old la I mean Mrs. Titus will be tickled to 
 death if the match is pulled off," said Hazzard. 
 
 " She was tickled the first time," said I sententiously, 
 and changed the subject. There was no sense in pro 
 longing the agony. 
 
 Toward the close of their visit, a message arrived 
 from the Countess herself, signed with the fictitious 
 name we had agreed upon. The news she gave caused 
 us to celebrate that night. We had a bonfire in the 
 courtyard and drank to the god of Good Luck.
 
 I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST 339 
 
 " Cargo safely landed in New York and forwarded to 
 the Adirondacks for storage and to await the appearance of 
 a claimant. Former owner has agreed to accept million 
 and a half and release all claims. When are you coming 
 over? (Signed) Alrose." 
 
 By the most extraordinary coincidence, a curt, busi 
 ness-like letter arrived in the evening post from Maris 
 Tarnowsy, post-marked Paris. Its contents stag 
 gered me. 
 
 " John Bellamy Smart, Esquire. 
 
 DEAR MR. SMART: Will you put a price on Schloss 
 Rothhoefen? I am desirous of purchasing the castle if 
 you care to sell and we can agree upon a fair price for the 
 property. Sentiment moves me in this matter and I ear 
 nestly hope that you may be induced to part with your 
 white elephant. If you will be so kind as to wire your de 
 cision, you will find me deeply grateful, and at the Ritz 
 for the ensuing fortnight. 
 
 Faithfully yours, 
 
 MARIS TARNOWSY." 
 
 My " white elephant ! " I was so eager to get rid 
 of it that I would have wired at once, naming a figure 
 proportionately low had it not been for the united pro 
 tests of my four friends and the canny advice of Mr- 
 Poopendyke. 
 
 " Soak him," said he, and I arose to the occa 
 sion. 
 
 I waited for three days and then telegraphed him 
 that I would not take a heller less than two hundred 
 and fifty thousand dollars, more than doubling the price 
 I had paid for the property. I was prepared, how 
 ever, to come down a paltry hundred thousand or so 
 if he revealed signs of reluctance.
 
 340 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 We built another bonfire that night and danced 
 around it like so many savages. 
 
 " Terms acceptable. Will come to Schloss Rothhoefen 
 at once to complete the transfer. 
 
 TARNOWSY."
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 
 
 ACCOMPANIED by Hazzard and Smith, I went over the 
 castle from top to bottom, in quest of the reason for 
 Tarnowsy s prompt acceptance of my demand. We 
 made no doubt that he had a good and sufficient reason 
 for wanting the place, and but one thing suggested 
 itself to our imagination: his absolute certainty that 
 treasure was hidden somewhere about tne venerable pile, 
 treasure of considerable magnitude, you may be sure, 
 or he would not have revealed such alacrity in accept 
 ing my terms. Sentiment had nothing to do with this 
 surprising move on his part. That was all bosh. He 
 had an ulterior motive, and it was for me to get the 
 better of him at his own game if I could. While I was 
 eager to get rid of the castle at any price, I did not 
 relish the thought of being laughed at for a fool by 
 Maris Tarnowsy after he had laid his greedy hands 
 upon treasure that had been mine without my knowl 
 edge. 
 
 He was no fool. The castle meant nothing to him as 
 a home or as an investment. No doubt he would blow 
 it to pieces in order to unearth the thing he knew 
 its walls secreted. 
 
 We spent two unprofitable days in going over the 
 place, and in the end sank down tired, defeated and 
 without the slightest evidence in our possession that 
 so much as a half crown lay hidden there as treasure- 
 trove. I gave in and announced that if Tarnowsy could 
 
 341
 
 342 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 find anything worth having he was entitled to it so far as 
 I was concerned, and I wouldn t begrudge him a farth 
 ing s worth. 
 
 He telegraphed that he would arrive on the 
 morning of the third day, accompanied by his lawyer, 
 a notary and an architect. My four guests departed 
 in haste by the late night train, after extracting a 
 promise from me to join them in Vienna when I was no 
 longer the master of Schloss Rothhoefen. I rather 
 relished the thought of a brief vacation ! 
 
 Then, like the spider, I crept back into my web and 
 waited for the foolish fly, Tcnowing all the time that he 
 would have the better of me in the long run. 
 
 I confess to a feeling of sadness in parting with the 
 place, after all, elephantine though it was in every 
 sense of the word. Within its grey and ancient walls 
 that beautiful thing called love had come to me, to live 
 with me forever. It had come unbidden, against my 
 will, against my better judgment, and in spite of my 
 prejudices, but still it was a thing to cherish and to hold 
 in its virgin youth all through the long years to come. 
 It would always be young and sweet and rose-coloured, 
 this unrequited love of mine. Walking through the 
 empty, dismantled rooms that had once been hers, I 
 grew sick with longing, and, in something like fear, 
 fled downward, absurd tears blinding my eyes. Verily, 
 I was a fool, a monstrous, silly fool ! 
 
 Tarnowsy was as bland and smiling as a May morn 
 ing as he came jauntily down the great hall to where I 
 awaited him. 
 
 " I am here incognito, my dear Smart," he said, ex 
 tending his gloved hand, which I took perforce. " Sub 
 rosa, you might say," he went on with a wry smile. " A 
 stupid, unchivalric empire has designs upon me, per-
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 343 
 
 functorily perhaps, but it s just as well not to stir up 
 the monkeys, as you Americans would put it." 
 
 " Our late friend, the baron, was not totally without 
 friends, I take it," said I drily. 
 
 He made a grimace. " Nor enemies," he declared. 
 " Brave men usually have more enemies than friends, 
 and he was a brave man, a truly brave man. Because 
 he was a brave man I have no feeling of regret over 
 the outcome of our er meeting. It is no honour 
 to kill a coward, Mr. Smart." 
 
 He introduced his three companions. I was sur 
 prised to see that the lawyer was not the fawning 
 Schymansky, and later on inquired for him. Tar- 
 nowsy laughed. " Poor old Schymansky ! He is in 
 prison." 
 
 " Aha ! I am not surprised," said I. 
 
 " He was my second, poor chap. It did not occur to 
 him to run away after the er duel. They had to 
 make an example of some one. His trial comes up next 
 week. I am afraid he may be dealt with rather harshly. 
 I miss him dreadfully. But let us come to the matter 
 in hand, Mr. Smart. I daresay your time is valuable. 
 You have no objection to my going over the place 
 with Mr. Saks, I am sure. He is the architect who is 
 to rebuild the castle for me. My attorney and Mr. 
 Pooly, the notary, will, with your assistance, draw 
 up the proper contracts preliminary to the formal 
 transfer, and I will sign them with you upon my re 
 turn." 
 
 " Would it not be better to discuss the question of 
 payments before we go any further, Count Tarnowsy ? " 
 
 " You will be paid in cash, Mr. Smart, the instant 
 the deed is transferred," he said coldly. 
 
 I followed him to the top of the stairs which de-
 
 344 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 scended to the basement of the castle. It was rather 
 significant that he elected to explore the lower regions 
 first of all. 
 
 " I shall accompany you," said I deliberately. 
 
 A faint scowl came into his face. He eyed me fix 
 edly for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and said 
 that his only desire was to avoid putting me to any 
 unnecessary trouble. If I cared to come, he would be 
 more than grateful. 
 
 " It isn t necessary to visit the cellars, Saks," he 
 said to the architect. " Ample time for that sort of 
 rummaging. I particularly want your opinion on the 
 condition of the intersecting walls on this floor and 
 above. My scheme of improvements, Mr. Smart, con 
 templates the enlargement of these halls by throwing 
 them into one." 
 
 " A very simple process," said I, " if the whole struc 
 ture doesn t topple down upon your heads while you re 
 about it." 
 
 " I shall contrive to save my scalp, Mr. Smart, no 
 matter what happens. It is very precious to me." 
 
 We went over the castle rather hurriedly, I thought, 
 but he explained that Saks merely wanted a general 
 idea of the structure ; he would return another day 
 to make a careful inspection. 
 
 " I daresay you are surprised that I should be will 
 ing to pay double your original price for Schloss Roth- 
 hoefen," he ventured, pausing in the corridor to light a 
 cigarette. We were on our way to the top of the east 
 wing. 
 
 " Oh, no," I said calmly. " I am aware that trea 
 sure is buried here. As a matter of fact, I ve tried to 
 unearth it myself, but without success. I wish you bet 
 ter luck."
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 345 
 
 " Thanks," said he laconically, after the first swift 
 glance of inquiry. " It is doubtless a fairy tale, 
 handed down by tradition. I take no stock in it. My 
 principal object in acquiring Rothhoefen is to satisfy 
 a certain vanity which besets me. I have it on excel 
 lent authority that my ex-father-in-law, the man Ti 
 tus, you know, talks of buying the property and per 
 forming the stupendous, characteristic American feat 
 of removing it, stone and timber, just as it is, to his 
 estate north of New York City. No one but a vulgar, 
 purse-proud American would think of doing such a 
 thing." 
 
 The news staggered me. Could there be anything in 
 what he said? If it was true that Jasper Titus con 
 templated such a quixotic move, there could be but one 
 compelling force behind the whim : sentiment. But not 
 sentiment on the part of Jasper Titus. 
 
 " I cannot believe that he considers doing such a 
 thing," I said rather blankly. " You see, if any one 
 should know, I am that one. He has not approached 
 me, of that you may be sure." 
 
 He did not appear to be interested. 
 
 " My information is not authoritative, Mr. Smart," 
 said he. " It came to me through my representatives 
 who conferred with his lawyers a fortnight ago in re 
 gard to certain difficulties that had existed between us. 
 From what they were able to gather, the idea has taken 
 root in the old man s head. Now, I want to buy this 
 place for no other reason than to tell him that he hasn t 
 enough money in his possession to purchase it from 
 me. D you see? Vanity, you may call it, as I do, but 
 it pleases me to coddle it." 
 
 Very thoughtfully I strode along beside him. Would 
 I be serving the Countess ill or well by selling the place
 
 346 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 to Tarnowsy? It was her whim, of course, and it was 
 a foolish one. 
 
 " Suppose that he offered you twice what you are 
 to pay me for the place," said I, struck by a sudden 
 thought. 
 
 He laughed easily. " You will not, it seems, acquit 
 me of cupidity, Mr. Smart. I should not sell to him 
 under any consideration. That is final. Take it or 
 leave it." 
 
 By this time we were in the rooms once occupied by 
 the Countess. He glanced about the apartment care 
 lessly. 
 
 " Deserted, I observe," he remarked with a queer 
 smile. 
 
 My heart almost stood still. "Eh? What do you 
 mean ? " 
 
 " If I am not mistaken, these are the rooms once occu 
 pied by your valet s wife. Am I right? " 
 
 I steadied myself. " She has gone away," I said. 
 " Couldn t stand the climate." 
 
 " I see," said he, but he was still smiling. " How 
 does your valet stand it? " 
 
 " Nicely," said I, with a conscious blush. 
 
 ** I mean the separation, of course." 
 
 " Certainly. He is used to it." 
 
 " Isn t it rather odd that he should still think she is 
 here, in the castle? " 
 
 " Does he? " I murmured. 
 
 " I inquired for her when I encountered him down 
 stairs. He said she was quite well this morning, ex 
 cept for a headache." 
 
 " She is subject to headaches, I believe," said I, with 
 the utmost uonchalance. He lifted his right eyebrow 
 slightly, but said no more on the subject.
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 347 
 
 A pile of rubbish lay heaped in one corner of the 
 room, swept up and left there by the big Schmicks to 
 await the spring house cleaning season I presume. 
 Tarnowsy at first eyed the heap curiously, then rather 
 intently. Suddenly he strode across the room and 
 gingerly rooted among the odds and ends with the toe 
 of his highly polished boot. 
 
 To my horror a dilapidated doll detached itself and 
 rolled out upon the floor, a well-remembered treasure 
 of Rosemary s and so unique in appearance that I doubt 
 if there was another in the world like it. Indeed, I 
 have a distinct recollection of being told that the 
 child s father had painted in the extraordinary fea 
 tures and had himself decorated the original flaxen 
 locks with singular stripes of red and white and blue, 
 a sardonic tribute to the home land of her mother. 
 
 I turned away as he stooped and picked up the soiled, 
 discarded effigy. When next I looked at him, out of 
 the corner of my eye, he was holding the doll at arm s 
 length and staring at it with a fixed gaze. I knew that 
 he recognised it. There could be no doubt in his mind 
 as to the identity of that tell-tale object. My heart 
 was thumping fiercely. 
 
 An instant later he rejoined me, but not a word did 
 he utter concerning the strange discovery he had made. 
 His face was set and pallid, and his eyes were misty. 
 Involuntarily I looked to see if he had the doll in his 
 hand, and in that glance observed the bulging surface 
 of his coat pocket. 
 
 In silence we stood there awaiting the reappearance 
 of Saks, who had gone into one of the adjoining rooms. 
 I confess that my hand trembled as I lighted a fresh 
 cigarette. He was staring moodily at the floor, his 
 hands clasped behind his back. Something smacking
 
 348 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 of real intelligence ordered me to hold my tongue. I 
 smoked placidly, yet waited for the outburst. It did 
 not come. It never came. He kept his thoughts, his 
 emotions to himself, and for that single display of 
 restraint on his part I shall always remember him as 
 a true descendant of the nobility. 
 
 We tramped down the long flights of stairs side by 
 side, followed by the superfluous Mr. Saks, who did 
 all of the talking. He was, I think, discoursing on the 
 extraordinary ability of ancient builders, but I am not 
 absolutely certain. I am confident Tarnowsy did not 
 hear a word the fellow said. 
 
 In my study we found Poopendyke and the two 
 strangers. 
 
 " Have you made out the papers ? " demanded the 
 Count harshly. An ugly gleam had come to his eyes, 
 but he did not direct it toward me. Indeed, he seemed 
 to avoid looking at me at all. 
 
 " Yes, Count Tarnowsy," said the lawyer. " They 
 are ready for the signatures." 
 
 " Perhaps Mr. Smart may have reconsidered his of 
 fer to sell," said Tarnowsy. " Let him see the con 
 tracts." 
 
 " I have not reconsidered," I said quietly. 
 
 " You may sign here, Mr. Smart," said the notary, 
 as he gave me the document, a simple contract, I found. 
 
 " Jasper Titus will offer more than I can afford to 
 pay," said the Count. " Please do not feel that I am 
 taking an unfair advantage of you. I am absolutely 
 certain that he wants to buy this place for his grand 
 daughter, a descendant of barons." 
 
 The significance of this remark was obvious, and it 
 was the nearest he ever came to uttering the conviction 
 that had been formed in that illuminating five minutes
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 349 
 
 upstairs. If he suspected, and I think he did, he 
 preferred not to ask the questions that must have been 
 searing his curious brain. It was a truly wonderful 
 demonstration of self-restraint. I would have given 
 much to have been able to read his innermost thoughts, 
 to watch the perplexed movements of his mind. 
 
 " Schloss Rothhoefen is yours, Count Tarno.wsy," 
 said I. " It is for you to say whether his whim shall 
 be gratified." 
 
 His lips twitched. I saw his hand touch the bulging 
 coat-pocket with a swift, passing movement. 
 
 " Will you be good enough to sign, Mr. Smart? " he 
 said coldly. He glanced at his watch. " My time is 
 valuable. When can you give possession ? " 
 
 " The day the deed is transferred." 
 
 " That will be in less than three days. I have satis 
 fied myself that the title is clear. There need be no 
 delay." 
 
 We signed the contract after I had requested Poop- 
 endyke to read it aloud to me. It called for the pay 
 ment of fifty thousand kronen, or a little over two thou 
 sand pounds sterling, at the time of signing. His 
 lawyer handed me a package of crisp banknotes and 
 asked me to count them. I did so deliberately, the 
 purchaser looking on with a sardonic smile. 
 
 " Correct," said I, laying the package on the table. 
 He bowed very deeply. 
 
 " Are you satisfied, Mr. Smart, that there are no 
 counterfeits among them?" he inquired with polite 
 irony. Then to his lawyer : " Take the gentleman s re 
 ceipt for the amount in the presence of witnesses. This 
 is a business transaction, not a game of chance." It 
 was the insult perfect. 
 
 As he prepared to take his departure, he assumed
 
 350 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 an insinuating air of apology, and remarked to me: 
 
 " I owe you an apology, Mr. Smart. There was a 
 
 time when I did you an injustice. I suspected you of 
 
 keeping your mistress here. Pray forgive my error." 
 
 Five days later I was snugly ensconced in the ducal 
 suite at the Bristol, overlooking the Kartnerring- 
 strasse, bereft of my baronial possessions but not at 
 all sorry. My romance had been short-lived. It is o"ne 
 thing to write novels about mediaeval castles and quite 
 another thing to try to write a novel in one of them. 
 I trust I may never again be guilty of such arrant stu 
 pidity as to think that an American-born citizen can 
 become a feudal baron by virtue of his dollars and 
 cents, any more than an American-born girl can hope 
 to be a real, dyed-in-the-wool countess or duchess be 
 cause some one needs the money more than she does. It 
 would be quite as impossible, contrari-wise, to transform 
 a noble duke into a plain American citizen, so there you 
 are, even up. 
 
 My plans were made. After a fortnight in Vienna, 
 I expected to go west to London for the autumn, and 
 then back to New York. Strange to relate, I was 
 homesick. Never before had my thoughts turned so 
 restlessly, so wistfully to the haunts of my boyhood 
 days. I began to long for the lights of Broadway 
 (which I had scornfully despised in other days), and 
 the gay peacockery of Fifth Avenue at four in the 
 afternoon. It seemed to me that nowhere in all the 
 world was life so joyous and blithe and worth while as 
 in " old New York " ; nowhere were the theatres so at 
 tractive, nowhere such restaurants. Even, in retro 
 spect, the subway looked alluring, and as for the Fifth 
 Avenue stages they were too beautiful for words. Ah,
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 351 
 
 what a builder of unreal things a spell of homesickness 
 may become if one gives it half a chance! 
 
 As for Schloss Rothhoefen, I had it on excellent au 
 thority (no less a person than Conrad Schmick him 
 self) that barely had I shaken the dust of the place 
 from myself before the new master put into execution 
 a most extraordinary and incomprehensible plan of 
 reconstruction. In the first place, he gave all the 
 servants two weeks notice, and then began to raze 
 the castle from the bottom upward instead of the 
 other way round, as a sensible person might have 
 been expected to do. He was knocking out the walls 
 in the cellars and digging up the stone floors with 
 splendid disregard for that ominous thing known as 
 a cataclysm. The grave question in the minds of 
 the servants was whether the usual and somewhat 
 mandatory two weeks notice wouldn t prove a 
 trifle too long after. all. In fact, Hawkes, with an in 
 spiration worthy of an office boy, managed to produce 
 a sick grand-mother and got away from the place at 
 the end of one week, although having been paid in full 
 for two. 
 
 The day on which I left for Paris still saw Tarnowsy 
 at work with his masons, heroically battering down the 
 walls of the grim old stronghold, and I chuckled to my 
 self. It was quite evident that he hadn t found the hid 
 ing place up to that time. 
 
 After several days in Paris, I took myself off 
 to London. I was expecting letters at Claridge s, 
 where I always take rooms, not because I think it is the 
 best hotel in London but because I am, to some extent, 
 a creature of habit. My mother took me to Claridge s 
 when I was a boy and I saw a wonderful personage at 
 the door whom I was pleased to call the King. Ever
 
 352 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 since then I have been going to Claridge s and while 
 my first king is dead there is one in his place who bids 
 fair to live long, albeit no one shouts encouragement to 
 him. He wears the most gorgeous buttons I ve ever 
 seen, and I doubt if King Solomon himself could have 
 been more regal. Certainly not Nebuchadnezzar. He 
 works from seven in the morning until seven at night, 
 and he has an imperial scorn for anything smaller than 
 half a sovereign. 
 
 There were many letters waiting there for me, but 
 not one from the Countess Aline. I had encouraged 
 the hope that she might write to me; it was the least 
 she could do in return for all that I had done for her, 
 notwithstanding my wretched behaviour on the last day 
 of our association. While I had undoubtedly offended 
 in the most flagrant manner, still my act was not un 
 pardonable. There was tribute, not outrage in my 
 behaviour. 
 
 Poopendyke fidgeted a good deal with the scanty re 
 sults of my literary labours, rattling the typed pages 
 in a most insinuating way. He oiled his machine with 
 accusative frequency, but I failed to respond. I was 
 in no mood for writing. He said to me one day: 
 
 " I don t see why you keep a secretary, Mr. Smart. 
 I don t begin to earn my salt." 
 
 " Salt, Mr. Poopendyke," said I, " is the cheapest 
 thing I know of. Now if you had said pepper I might 
 pause to reflect. But I am absolutely, inexorably op 
 posed to rating anything on a salt basis. If you " 
 
 " You know what I mean," he said stiffly. " I am of 
 no use to you." 
 
 " Ah," said I triumphantly, " but you forget ! Who 
 is it that draws the salary checks for yourself and Brit- 
 ton, and who keeps the accounts straight? Who, I
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 353 
 
 repeat? Why, you, Mr. Poopendyke. You draw the 
 checks. Isn t that something? " 
 
 " If if I didn t know you so well, I wouldn t hesi 
 tate to call you a blooming fool, Mr. Smart," said he, 
 but he grinned as he said it. 
 
 " But he who hesitates is lost," said I. " This is 
 your chance, don t let it slip." He looked at me so 
 steadily for a moment that I was in some fear he would 
 not let it slip. 
 
 Before I had been in London a week it became per 
 fectly clear to me that I could not stretch my stay out 
 to anything like a period of two months. Indeed, I 
 began to think about booking my passage home inside 
 of two weeks. I was restless, dissatisfied, homesick. 
 On the ninth day I sent Poopendyke to the booking 
 office of the steamship company with instructions to 
 secure passage for the next sailing of the Mauretania, 
 and then lived in a state of positive dread for fear the 
 confounded American tourists might have gobbled up 
 all of the cabins. They are always going home it seems 
 to me, and they are always trying to get on a single 
 unfortunate ship. In all my experience abroad, I ve 
 never known a time when Americans were not tumbling 
 over each other trying to get back to New York in 
 time to catch a certain train for home, wherever that 
 may be. But Poopendyke managed it somehow. He 
 must have resorted to bribery. 
 
 I awoke one morning to find a long and I was about 
 to say interesting letter from the Countess ! It was 
 a very commonplace communication I found on the third 
 or fourth reading. The sum and substance of its con 
 tents was the information that she was going to Vir 
 ginia Hot Springs with the family for a month or 
 two and that Lord Amberdale was to join them there.
 
 354 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 It appeared that her father, Being greatly overworked, 
 was in need of a rest, and as the golf links at Hot 
 Springs are especially designed to make it easy for rich 
 men, his doctor had ordered him to that delightful re 
 sort. She hoped the rest would put him on his feet 
 again. There was a page or so of drivel about Am- 
 berdale and what he expected to do at the New York 
 Horse Show, a few lines concerning Rosemary ; and a 
 brief, almost curt intimation that a glimpse or two of 
 me would not be altogether displeasing to her if I hap 
 pened to be coming that way. 
 
 It may be regarded as a strange coincidence that I 
 instructed Britton that very evening to see that my 
 golf clubs were cleaned up and put into good shape for 
 a little practice on a course near London, where I had 
 been put up by an English author, and who was for 
 ever ding-donging at me to come out and let him " put 
 it all over me." I went out and bought a new brassie 
 to replace the one destroyed by the experimenting 
 Rocksworth youth, and before I got through with it had 
 a new putter, a niblick and a spoon, neither of which 
 I needed for the excellent reason that I already pos 
 sessed a half dozen of each. 
 
 Keyed up to a high pitch of enthusiasm, I played 
 golf for ten days, and found my friend to be a fine 
 sportsman. Like all Englishmen, he took a beating 
 gracefully, but gave me to understand that he had been 
 having a good deal of trouble with rheumatism or neu 
 ritis in his right elbpw. On the last day we played he 
 succeeded in bringing me in two down and I ve never 
 seen neuritis dispersed so quickly as it was in his case. 
 I remember distinctly that he complained bitterly of 
 the pain in his elbow when we started out, and that he 
 was as fit as a fiddle at the eighteenth hole. He even
 
 I BURN A FEW BRIDGES 355 
 
 wont so far as to implore me to stay over till the next 
 sailing of the Mauretama. 
 
 But I took to the high seas. Mr. Poopendyke cabled 
 to the Homestead at Hot Springs for suitable accom 
 modations. I cannot remember when I had been so 
 forehanded as all that, and I wonder what my secretary 
 thought of me. My habit is to procrastinate. 
 
 I almost forgot to mention a trifling bit of news that 
 came to me the day before sailing. Elsie Hazzard 
 wrote in great perturbation and at almost unfeeling 
 length to tell me that Count Tarnowsy had unearthed 
 the supposedly mythical Rothhoefen treasure chests 
 and was reputed to have found gold and precious jewels 
 worth at least a million dollars. The accumulated 
 products of a century s thievery ! The hoard of all the 
 robber barons! Tarnowsy s! 
 
 Strange to say I did not writhe nor snarl with disap 
 pointment and rage. I took the news with a sang froid 
 that almost killed poor Poopendyke. He never quite 
 got over it. 
 
 Nor was I especially disturbed or irritated 
 by the telegram of condolence I received on board 
 ship from Tarnowsy himself. He could not resist the 
 temptation to gloat. I shall not repeat the message for 
 the simple reason that I do not wish to dignify it by 
 putting it into permanent form. 
 
 We were two days out when I succeeded in setting 
 my mind at rest in respect to Aline, Countess Tar 
 nowsy. I had not thought of it before, but I remem 
 bered all of a sudden that I held decided scruples 
 against marrying a divorced woman. Of course, that 
 simplified matters. When one has preconceived notions 
 about such matters they afford excellent material to fall 
 back upon, even though he may have disregarded them
 
 356 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 after a fashion while unselfishly thinking of some one 
 else. As I say, the recollection of this well-defined 
 though somewhat remorseless principle of mine had 
 the effect of putting my mind at rest in regard to the 
 Countess. Feeling as strongly as I did about marriage 
 with divorcees, she became an absolutely undesirable 
 person so far as matrimony was concerned. I ex 
 perienced a rather doubtful feeling of relief. It was 
 not so hard to say to myself that Lord Amberdale was 
 welcome to her, but it was very, very difficult to refrain 
 from adding the unamiable words : " damn him." 
 
 This rigid, puritanical principle of mine, however, 
 did not declare against the unrighteousness of falling 
 in love with a divorcee,
 
 CHAPTER XX 
 
 I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 
 
 IF I have, by any chance, announced earlier in this 
 narrative that the valley of the Donau is the garden 
 spot of the world, I must now ask you to excuse the 
 ebullience of spirit that prompted the declaration. 
 The Warm Springs Valley of Virginia is infinitely more 
 attractive to me, and I make haste to rectify any er 
 roneous impression I may have given, while under the 
 spell of something my natural modesty forbids me to 
 describe. 
 
 If you happen not to know the Warm Springs Val 
 ley, permit ^me to say that you are missing a great 
 deal. It is a garden spot and but why discourse 
 upon a subject that is so aptly handled by the gentlemen 
 who supply railway folders with descriptive material 
 and who will tell you in so many words that God s 
 noblest work was done in the green hills and vales of 
 fair Virginia? Any railway folder will acquaint you 
 with all this and save me a great deal of time and trou 
 ble, besides giving you a sensible and adequate idea of 
 how to get there and where to stop when you reach 
 your journey s end, together with the price of Pullman 
 tickets and the nature of the ailments you are sup 
 posed to have if you take the waters. It is only 
 necessary for me to say that it is a garden spot and 
 that you don t have to change cars if you take the right 
 train out of New York City, a condition which does not 
 obtain if you happen to approach from the opposite di 
 rection. 
 
 357
 
 358 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 I arrived there early one bright November morning, 
 three days after landing in New York. You will be 
 rendered unhappy, I fear, by the announcement that I 
 left Mr. Poopendyke behind. He preferred to visit an 
 aunt at New Rochelle and I felt that he deserved a 
 vacation. Britton, of course, accompanied me. He is 
 indispensable, and, so far as I know, hasn t the faintest 
 notion of what a vacation means unless he considers em 
 ployment with me in some such light. At any rate he 
 has never mentioned a relation in need of a visit from 
 him. 
 
 Before leaving New York I had a rather unpleasant 
 encounter with my publishers. It was. in the nature of 
 a luncheon at which I was led to believe that they still 
 expected me to supply them with the manuscript of a 
 novel at a very early date. They seemed considerably 
 put out when I blandly informed them that I had got 
 no farther along than the second chapter. 
 
 " We have been counting on this book of yours for 
 January publication," said they. 
 
 I tried to explain that the muse had abandoned me 
 in a most heartless fashion. 
 
 " But the public demands a story from you," said 
 they. " What have you been doing all summer ? " 
 
 " Romancing," said I. 
 
 I don t know just how it came about, but the sug 
 gestion was made that I put into narrative form the 
 lively history of my sojourn on the banks of the Dan 
 ube, trusting implicitly to the imagination yet leaving 
 nothing to it. 
 
 " But it s all such blithering rot," said I. 
 
 " So much the better," said they triumphantly 
 even eagerly. 
 
 " I do not suppose that you, as publishers, can ap-
 
 I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 359 
 
 preciate the fact that an author may have a soul above 
 skittles," said I indignantly. " I cannot, I wfll not 
 write a line about myself, gentlemen. Not that I 
 consider the subject sacred but " 
 
 " Wait ! " cried the junior member, hi* face aglow. 
 " We appreciate the delicacy of er your feelings, 
 Mr. Smart, but I have an idea, a splendid idea. It 
 solves the whole question. Your secretary is a most 
 competent, capable young man and a genius after a 
 fashion. I propose that he write the story. Well 
 pay him a lump sum for the work, put your name on the 
 cover, and there you are. All you wfll have to do is to 
 edit his material. How s that : " 
 
 And so it came to pass that I took myself off that 
 evening for Hot Springs, secure in the thought that 
 Poopendyke would attend to my literary estate far 
 more capably than I could do it myself, and that my 
 labours later on would be pleasantly devoted to the 
 lazy task of editing, revising and deleting a tale al 
 ready told. . . . 
 
 If you are lucky enough to obtain rooms in the 
 Homestead, looking out over the golf course, with the 
 wonderful November colourings in the hflls and gaps 
 beyond : over the casino, the tennis courts and the lower 
 levels of the fashionable playground, you may well say 
 to yourself that all the world is bright and sweet and 
 full of hope. From my windows I could see far down 
 the historic valley in the direction of Warm Springs, 
 a hazy blue panorama wrapped in the air of an Indian 
 summer and redolent with the incense of autumn. 
 
 Britton reminded me that it was a grand morning for 
 golf, and I was at once reminded that Britton is an ex 
 cellent chap whose opinions are always worth consider 
 ing. So I started for the links, stopping first at the
 
 360 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 office on my way out, ostensibly to complain about 
 the absence of window-screens but in reality to glance 
 over the register in quest of certain signatures. 
 
 A brisk, oldish little man came up beside me and 
 rather testily inquired why the deuce there were no 
 matches in his room ; also why the hot water was cold 
 so much longer than usual that morning. He was 
 not much of a man to look at, but I could not fail to 
 note the obsequious manner in which the two clerks 
 behind the desk looked at him. You couldn t possibly 
 have discovered anything in their manner to remind 
 you of hotel clerks you may have come to know in 
 your travels. A half dozen boxes of matches were 
 passed out to him in the twinkling of an eye, and I 
 shudder to think what might have happened if there 
 had been a hot water faucet handy, they were so eager 
 to please. 
 
 " Mr. Brewster gone out yet ? " demanded this im 
 portant guest, pocketing all of the matches. (I could 
 see at once that he was a very rich man.) "Did he 
 leave any message for me? He didn t? He was to 
 let me know whether he could play golf with eh ? 
 Playing with Logan, eh? Well, of all the He 
 knows I will not play with Logan. See if Mr. Scott 
 is in his room. Tell him I d like to take him on for 
 eighteen holes this morning." 
 
 He crossed to the news-counter and glanced over the 
 papers while a dusky bell-boy shot off in quest of Mr. 
 Scott. 
 
 " They all hate to play with the old geezer," said one 
 of the clerks, a young one, you may be sure, 
 lowering his voice and his eyebrows at the same time. 
 " He s the rottenest player in the world." 
 
 " Who is he ? " I inquired, mildly interested.
 
 I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 361 
 
 " Jasper Titus," was the reply. " The real old 
 Jasper himself." 
 
 Before I could recover from my surprise, the object 
 of my curiosity approached the desk, his watch in 
 his hand. 
 
 " Well, what does he say ? " he demanded. 
 
 "The the boy isn t back yet, Mr. Titus," said 
 one of the clerks, involuntarily pounding the call-bell 
 in his nervousness. 
 
 " Lazy, shiftless niggers, the whole tribe of them," 
 was Mr. Titus s caustic comment. 
 
 At that instant the boy, quite out of breath, came 
 thumping down the stairs. 
 
 " Mr. Scott s got rheumatiz, Mr. Titus. He begs to 
 be excused " 
 
 " Buncombe ! " snapped Mr. Titus. " He s afraid 
 to play me. Well, this means no game for me. A 
 beautiful day like this and " 
 
 " I beg your pardon, Mr. Titus," said I, stepping 
 forward. " If you don t mind taking on a stranger, 
 I will be happy to go around with you. My name is 
 Smart. I think you must have heard of me through 
 the Countess and your " 
 
 " Great Scott ! Smart ? Are are you the author, 
 James Byron Smart ? The the man who " He 
 checked himself suddenly, but seized me by the hand 
 and, as he wrung it vigorously, dragged me out of hear 
 ing of the men behind the desk. 
 
 " I am John Bellamy Smart," said I, a little miffed. 
 
 His shrewd, hard old face underwent a marvellous 
 change. The crustiness left it as if by magic. His 
 countenance radiated joy. 
 
 " I owe you a debt of gratitude, Mr. Smart, that 
 can never be lifted. My daughter has told me every-
 
 362 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 thing. You must have put up with a fearful lot of 
 nonsense during the weeks she was with you. I know 
 her well. She s spoiled and she s got a temper, al 
 though, upon my soul, she seems different nowadays. 
 There is a change in her, by George." 
 
 " She s had her lesson," said I. " Besides I didn t 
 find she had a bad temper." 
 
 " And say, I want to tell you something else before 
 I forget it: I fully appreciate your views on inter 
 national marriage. Allie told me everything you had 
 to say about it. You must have rubbed it in ! But I 
 think it did her good. She ll never marry another for 
 eigner if I can help it, if she never marries. Well, 
 well, I am glad to see you, and to shake your hand. I 
 I wish I could really tell you how I feel toward you, 
 my boy, but I I don t seem to have the power to ex 
 press myself. If I " 
 
 I tried to convince him that the pleasure had been 
 all mine, and then inquired for Mrs. Titus and the 
 Countess. 
 
 " They re both here, but the good Lord only knows 
 where. Mrs. Titus goes driving every morning. 
 Roads are fine if you can stick to them. Aline said 
 something last night about riding over to Fassifern 
 this forenoon with Amberdale and young Skelly. Let s 
 see, it s half-past ten. Yes, they ve gone by this time. 
 Why didn t you write or telegraph Aline? She ll be 
 as mad as a wet hen when she finds you ve come with 
 out letting her know." 
 
 " I thought I should like to take her by surprise," 
 I mumbled uncomfortably. 
 
 " And my son Jasper why, he will explode when he 
 hears you re here. He s gone over to Covington to see 
 a girl off on the train for Louisville. You ve never
 
 I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 363 
 
 seen such a boy. He is always going to Covington 
 with some girl to see that she gets the right train home. 
 But why are we wasting time here when we might be do 
 ing a few holes before lunch? I ll take you on. Of 
 course, you understand I m a wretched player, but I ve 
 got one virtue : I never talk about my game and I never 
 tell funny stories while my opponent is addressing the 
 ball. I m an old duffer at the game, but I ve got more 
 sense than most duffers." 
 
 We sauntered down to the club house where he in 
 sisted on buying me a dozen golf balls and engaging a 
 caddy for me by the week. Up to the moment we 
 stepped up to the first tee he talked incessantly of 
 Aline and Rosemary, but the instant the game was on 
 he settled into the grim reserve that characterises the 
 man who takes any enterprise seriously, be it work 
 or play. 
 
 I shall not discuss our game, further than to say 
 that he played in atrociously bad form but with a pur 
 pose that let me, to some degree, into the secret of 
 his success in life. If I do say it myself, I am a fairly 
 good player. My driving is consistently long. It may 
 not be difficult for even you who do not go in for golf to 
 appreciate the superior patience of a man whose tee 
 shots are rarely short of two hundred and twenty 
 yards when he is obliged to amble along doing nothing 
 while his opponent is striving to cover the same distance 
 in three or four shots, not counting the misses. But 
 I was patient, agreeably patient, not to say tolerant. I 
 don t believe I was ever in a better humour than on this 
 gay November morn. I even apologised for Mr. Ti- 
 tus s execrable foozles ; I amiably suggested that he was 
 a little off his game and that he d soon strike his gait 
 and give me a sound beating after the turn. His smile
 
 364 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 was polite but ironic, and it was not long before I 
 realised that he knew his own game too well to be 
 affected by cajolery. He just pegged away, always 
 playing the odd or worse, uncomplaining, unresentful, 
 as even-tempered as the May wind, and never by any 
 chance winning a hole from me. He was the rarest 
 " duffer " it has ever been my good fortune to meet. 
 As a rule, the poorer the player the louder his execra 
 tions. Jasper Titus was one of the worst players I ve 
 ever seen, but he was the personification of gentility, 
 even under the most provoking circumstances. For 
 instance, at the famous " Crater," it was my good for 
 tune to pitch a ball fairly on the green from the tee. 
 His mashie shot landed his ball about twenty feet up 
 the steep hill which guards the green. It rolled half 
 way back. Without a word of disgust, or so much as a 
 scowl, he climbed up and blazed away at it again, 
 not once but fourteen times by actual count. On the 
 seventeenth stroke he triumphantly laid his ball on 
 the green. Most men would have lifted and conceded 
 the hole to me. He played it out. 
 
 " A man never gets anywhere, Mr. Smart," said he, 
 unruffled by his miserable exhibition, " unless he keeps 
 plugging away at a thing. That s my principle in 
 life. Keep at it. There is satisfaction in putting the 
 damned ball in the hole, even if it does require twenty 
 strokes. You did it in three, but you ll soon forget 
 the feat. I m not likely to forget the troubles I had 
 going down in twenty, and there lies the secret of suc 
 cess. If success comes easy, we pass it off with a laugh, 
 if it comes hard we grit our teeth and remember the 
 ways and means. You may not believe it, but I took 
 thirty-three strokes for that hole one day last week. 
 Day before yesterday I did it in four. Perhaps it
 
 I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 365 
 
 wouldn t occur to you to think that it s a darned sight 
 easier to do it in four than it is in thirty-three. Get 
 the idea? " 
 
 "I think I do, Mr. Titus," said I. "The things 
 that * come easy are never appreciated." 
 
 " Right, my boy. It s what we have to work for like 
 nailers that we lie awake thinking about." 
 
 We came out upon the eminence overlooking the next 
 hole, which lay far below us. As I stooped to tee-up 
 my ball, a gleeful shout came up the hillside. 
 
 "Hello, John Bellamy!" 
 
 Glancing down, I saw Jasper, Jr., at the edge of the 
 wagon road. He was waving his cap and, even at 
 that distance, I could see the radiance in his good- 
 looking young face. A young and attractively dressed 
 woman stood beside him. I waved my hand and shouted 
 a greeting. 
 
 " I thought you said he d gone to Covington to 
 see her off," I said, turning to the young man s father 
 with a grin. 
 
 " Not the same girl," said he succinctly, squinting 
 his eyes. " That s the little Parsons girl from Rich 
 mond. He was to meet her at Covington. Jasper is a 
 scientific butterfly. He makes both ends meet, nearly 
 always. Now no one but a genius could have fixed it 
 up to see one girl off and meet another on the same 
 train." 
 
 Later on, Jasper, Jr., and I strolled over to the ca 
 sino verandah, the chatty Miss Parsons between us, 
 but leaning a shade nearer to young Titus than to 
 me, although she appeared to be somewhat overwhelmed 
 at meeting a real live author. Mr. Titus, as was his 
 habit, hurried on ahead of us. I afterwards discovered 
 he had a dread of pneumonia.
 
 366 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 " Aline never said a word about your coming, John," 
 said Jasper, Jr. He called me John with considerable 
 gusto. " She s learning how to hold her tongue." 
 
 " It happens that she didn t know I was coming," 
 said I drily. He whistled. 
 
 " She s off somewhere with Amberdale. Ever meet 
 him ? He s one of the finest chaps I know. You ll like 
 him, Miss Parsons. He s not at all like a Britisher." 
 
 " But I like the British," said she. 
 
 " Then I ll tell him to spread it on a bit," said Jappy 
 obligingly. " Great horseman, he is. Got some rip 
 ping nags in the New York show next week, and he 
 rides like a dream. Watch him pull down a few rib 
 bons and rosettes. Sure thing." 
 
 " Your father told me that the Countess was off 
 riding with him and another chap, off to Fassifern, 
 I believe." 
 
 " For luncheon. They do it three or four times a 
 week. Not for me. I like waiters with shirt fronts 
 and nickle tags." 
 
 Alone with me in the casino half an hour later, he 
 announced that it really looked serious, this affair 
 between Aline and his lordship. 
 
 I tried to appear indifferent, a rather pale effort, 
 I fear. 
 
 " I think I am in on the secret, Jappy," said I so 
 berly. 
 
 He stared. " Has she ever said anything to you, 
 old chap, that would lead you to believe she s keen about 
 him? " 
 
 I temporised. " She s keen about somebody, my 
 son ; that s as far as I will go." 
 
 " Then it must be Amberdale. I m on to her all 
 right, all right. I know women. She s in love, hang it
 
 I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS 367 
 
 all. If you know a thing about em, you can spot the 
 symptoms without the x-rays. I ve been hoping 
 against hope, old man. I don t want her to marry 
 again. She s had all the hell she s entitled to. What s 
 the matter with women, anyhow? They no sooner get 
 out of one muddle than they begin looking around for 
 another. Can t be satisfied with good luck." 
 
 " But every one speaks very highly of Lord Amber- 
 dale. I m sure she can t be making a mistake in marry 
 ing him." 
 
 " I wish she d pick out a good, steady, simplified 
 American, just as an experiment. We re not so darned 
 bad, you know. Women can do worse than to marry 
 Americans." 
 
 " It is a matter of opinion, I fancy. At any rate 
 we can t go about picking out husbands for people 
 who have minds of their own." 
 
 " Well, some one in our family picked out a lemon 
 for Aline the first time, let me tell you that," said he, 
 scowling. 
 
 " And she s doing the picking for herself this time, 
 I gather." 
 
 " I suppose so," said he gloomily. 
 
 I have visited the popular and almost historic Fassi- 
 fern farm a great many times in my short career, but 
 for the life of me I cannot understand what attraction 
 it possesses that could induce people to go there for 
 luncheon and then spend a whole afternoon lolling about 
 the place. But that seems to have been precisely what 
 the Countess and his lordship did on the day of my ar 
 rival at the Homestead. The " other chap," Skerry, 
 came riding home alone at three o clock. She 
 did not return until nearly six. By lhat time I was in 
 a state of suppressed fury that almost drove me to
 
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 370 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 Whereupon I read the Countess s note with a magnifi 
 cently unreadable face. 
 
 I cleared my throat, and (I think) squared my 
 shoulders somewhat as a soldier does when he is being 
 commended for valour, and said: 
 
 " Present my compliments to the Countess, and say 
 that Mr. Smart will be down in five minutes." 
 
 The boy stared. " The the what, sir? " 
 
 " The what? " I demanded. 
 
 " I mean the who, sir." 
 
 " The Countess. The lady who sent you up with this 
 note." 
 
 " Wasn t no Countess sent me up hyer, boss. It was 
 Miss Tarsney." 
 
 Somehow staggered, I managed to wave my hand 
 comprehensively. 
 
 " Never mind. Just say that I ll be down in two 
 minutes." 
 
 He grinned. " I reckon I d better hustle, or you ll 
 beat me down, boss."
 
 CHAPTER XXI 
 
 SHE PROPOSES 
 
 SHE was still in her riding habit when I found her alone 
 in the parlour of the Titus suite. 
 
 I give you my word my heart almost stopped beating. 
 I ve never seen any one so lovely as she was at that 
 moment. Never, I repeat. Her hair, blown by the 
 kind November winds, strayed but no ! I cannot be 
 gin to define the loveliness of her. There was a warm, 
 rich glow in her cheeks and a light in her eyes that 
 actually bewildered me, and more than that I am not 
 competent to utter. 
 
 " You have come at last," she said, and her voice 
 sounded very far off; although I was lifting her un 
 gloved hand to my lips. She clenched my fingers 
 tightly, I remember that ; and also that my hand shook 
 violently and that my face felt pale. 
 
 I chink I said that I had come at last. She took my 
 other hand in hers and drawing dangerously close to 
 me said: 
 
 " I do not expect to be married for at least a year, 
 John." 
 
 " I I congratulate you," I stammered foolishly. 
 
 " I have a feeling that it isn t decent for one to 
 marry inside of two years after one has been divorced." 
 
 " How is Rosemary? " I murmured. 
 
 "You are in love with me, aren t you, John, dear? " 
 
 " Goo good heaven ! " I gasped. 
 
 " I know you are. That s why I am so sure of my- 
 
 371
 
 372 A FOOL AND HIS MONEY 
 
 self. Is it asking too much of you to marry me in a 
 year from " 
 
 I haven t the faintest notion how long afterward it 
 was that I asked her what was to become of that poor, 
 unlucky devil, Lord Amberdale. 
 
 " He isn t a devil. He s a dear, and he is going to 
 marry a bred-in-the-bone countess next January. You 
 will like him, because he is every bit as much in love 
 with his real countess are you are with a sham one. He 
 is a bird of your feather. And now don t you want to 
 come with me to see Rosemary? " 
 
 " Rosemary," I murmured, as in a dream a lux 
 urious lotos-born dream. 
 
 She took my arm and advanced with me into a room 
 adjoining the parlour. As we passed through the door, 
 she suddenly squeezed my arm very tightly and laid 
 her head against my shoulder. 
 
 We were in a small sitting-room, confronting Jas 
 per Titus, his wife and his tiny grand-daughter, who 
 was ready for bed. 
 
 " You won t have to worry about me any longer, 
 daddy dear," said Aline, her voice suddenly breaking. 
 
 "Well, I ll be well, well, well!" cried my late 
 victim of the links. " Is this the way the wind 
 blows?" 
 
 I was perfectly dumb. My face was scarlet. My 
 dazzled eyes saw nothing but the fine, aristocratic fea 
 tures of Aline s mother. She was leaning slightly for 
 ward in her chair, and a slow but unmistakable joyous 
 smile was creeping into her face. 
 
 " Aline ! " she cried, and Aline went to her. 
 
 Jasper Titus led Rosemary up to me. 
 
 " Kiss the gentleman, kiddie," said he huskily, lift 
 ing the little one up to me.
 
 SHE PROPOSES 373 
 
 She gave a sudden shriek of recognition, and I took 
 her in my arms. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " laughed I, without the slightest idea 
 of what I was doing or why I did it. Sometimes I won 
 der if there has ever been any insanity in our family. 
 I know there have been fools, for I have my Uncle 
 Rilas s word for it. 
 
 Mr. Titus picked up the newspaper he had been read 
 ing. 
 
 "* Listen to this, Allie. It will interest you. It 
 says here that our friend Tarnowsy is going to marry 
 that fool of a Cincinnati girl we were talking about the 
 other day. I know her father, but I ve never met her 
 mother. Old Bob Thackery has got millions but he s 
 only got one daughter. What a blamed shame ! " 
 
 
 
 It must be perfectly obvious to you, kind reader, 
 that I am going to marry Aline Tarnowsy, in spite 
 of all my professed opposition to marrying a divorcee. 
 I argued the whole matter out with myself, but not 
 until after I was irrevocably committed. She says she 
 needs me. Well, isn t that enough? In fact, I am 
 now trying my best to get her to shorten the proba 
 tionary period. She has taken off three months, God 
 bless her, but I still hope for a further and more gener 
 ous reduction for good behaviour ! 
 
 THE END
 
 or CAUFMIXIA