r AND HIS NEIGHBORS AT T::E "/ Like to Sit Here Under the Drenching Sun UNCLE JEREMIAH AND HIS NEIGHBORS AT THE ST. LOUIS EXPOSITION BY C. M. STEVENS AUTHOR OF "Uncle Jeremiah and Family at the Great Fair" (The Chicago Columbian Exposition) (475,000 SoU) EDITOR OF Official Guide Books for Louisiana Purchase Exposition Profusely illustrated with Eighty Humorous Sketches By R. W. TAYLOR An Interesting and Amusing Guide to the Fair, Relating the Experiences of UNCLE JEREMIAH, the Philosopher ETHELBERT, the Freshman AUGUST, the German SQUINT, the Clodhopper NORA, the Irishwoman MATILDA, the Sentimentalist HELENA, the Little Observer And others as incidentals CHICAGO THOMPSON & THOMAS Copyright 1904 by THOMPSON & THOMAS Dedicated to the Visitors at the World's Fair, Saint Louis, Mo. 2138298 A WORD TO OUR FRIENDS. WORLD'S FAIRS are now so solemnly immense that to see them seems to be an enormous task. The throngs move on and on through the vast and varied spectacle of wonders as though they were viewing the speechless mysteries of Aladdin or tramping along subterranean aisles in the catacombs of Rome. It is the American spirit of getting one's money's worth. We spend 50 cents a day to see a $50,000,- ooo show and we might' miss something if we laugh. There is no time or place for merriment or rest. We are lost in the mountains of miracles wherein the world's side-shows of Midway and Pike become a serious study in our laborious enterprise of seeing it all. Such solemnity might reduce the nervous to tears if they were not too tired to weep. On that account the adventures of Uncle Jere miah and his neighbors are made public so that the laboring visitors may at least see the humor in themselves, if not in the show, and thereby "look up and be glad." iv A WORD TO OUR FRIENDS. Uncle Jeremiah performed the same service for his acquaintances and friends in the Columbian Exposition. If the estimate of five readers to a book is correct, there were probably more than two millions of them. We now bid thx all, with as many new ones as may be found, to the additional, if not to the al together original array of fun and perplexity here given in these adventures of Uncle Jeremiah and his neighbors at the Louisiana Purchase Exposition. THE AUTHOR. TABLE OF CONTENTS. CHAPTER I A sextette of unafraids .... 9 CHAPTER II The vision at the gates ... 20 CHAPTER III Seeing things around on the outside . 34 CHAPTER IV All around the world in a day . . 52 CHAPTER V Writing home about the Fair ... 69 CHAPTER VI Don Quixote and his strange adventures 85 CHAPTER VII A fresh arrival from Stumpburg . . 101 CHAPTER VIII Stumpburgians blending with St. Louisians 117 CHAPTER IX A government kindergarten for adults . 135 CHAPTER X A package of exhibits from Baron Mun~ chausen 154 CHAPTER XI Rural estimates in oil and stone . . 168 CHAPTER XII Glimpses of Stumpburgian episodes . 185 CHAPTER XIII Diverting varieties as the spice of curi osity 207 CHAPTER XIV Bucolic estimates of the operatic art . 223 CHAPTER XV Notes on feminine fancies and pike barkers 239 CHAPTER XVI Rare bits well done .... 259 CHAPTER XVII Astonishing events made to order . 278 CHAPTER XVIII Smartness and its tribulations . . 294 CHAPTER XIX Remarkable souvenirs for home . . 309 CHAPTER XX Dramatic bridal tour of the Stumpburgians 321 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS, "I like to sit here under the drenching sun." Frontispiece A throng of eager faces crowded the doorway . . II "How ish dot?" 14 "And look at the robbers." 16 The sextette of unafraids 21 Uncle Jerry got upon a chair 27 "Look at the sag !" . . 36 "Spend eblyting for whale blub" 38 Then he passed around his hat 40 A woman came yelling down The Pike ... 43 A horse as high as a house ....... 46 "They are sister's" 55 "Let me kiss you" . .60 "What is your name?" 63 The horse balked 67 "Is this where you live?" 75 "Not on your life !" 77 "A rael imp from the infoornal raygens" ... 81 '"I dropped my glasses in" 83 Squint and the kodak 86 Struck the man's hat 9 1 "Caught it from my hand" 94 He took Don Quixote by the shoulder .... 99 The portly form of August 102 He made a jump 106 "Is it a looneytick?" 108 "Gone!" cried the auctioneer 112 Drew forth a twenty 114 "My gracious," he exclaimed, "what a long fall!" . .119 Left his bald pate shining 124 Into his oyster soup 125 The Patagonian process of churning butter . . . 130 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. vii It dropped out 134 Being wheeled from the building 136 Entranced 139 Yellow fever and mosquitoes 141 A good auld Irish name 144 "From a hole in the air" 149 We furnished a crow 152 He removed his hat 157 "Sweep up the ash'es" .161 Improper fractions 166 "Was sick in transit" 173 "Smell of it" 179 "She isn't natural" 184 "Tickets for me and my friends 186 "Big cowcumbers" . . 190 "Full of green apples" 192 Nora was startled 193 In an irritable mood 196 "A cotton nigger" 199 Had to fix up like an Arab 203 "I have the schmall-pox" 208 What he said was Turkish 211 "By the way," the book man began 216 "Sure, an' it's Uncle Jerry and the kids" . . . 224 "Out of tune" 229 A drove of lady managers 233 A bad, guilty woman 237 He made a speech 242 "Glad to see even a dog from home" .... 249 "Step up and behold !" 252 "All bloke" 254 A lecture on the mammoth 255 "The skull of Osceola" . 270 "Uh! heap naked!" . . . . . . . 273 "I'm going to wait for the man as uses this pick" . . 277 Peculiar animals 284 viii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. There was a flame 287 "Prince of Podunk 296 Repeated the act 300 A mark of hospitality . . . . . 307 "Didn't send no word" ....;.. 310 "He come in with' hees friend" 319 "Jump over that bar" . . . . . . . 324 "The cabman started back" 330 Uncle Jeremiah and His Neighbors CHAPTER!. A SEXTETTE OF UNAFRAIDS. NCLE Jeremiah," said Neighbor Hawkins, "if Nora will smother those noisy youngsters in the next room, I will call the house to order and find out who is going with you to Saint Looey." Nora looked properly horrified, but arose to obey the suggestion. "Sure it ain't aisy to do that," she said with em phasis, "for the girls do be so boisterous and the boys do be so girlstrous that a woman can't manage them." "Ach, du leeber schatz," exclaimed August re provingly; "how many dimes I haf tole you alretty not to say 'do be.' It sounds so Irish." Nora turned short around. "An' you liver shot, yourself,* she said, "how many dimes I haf tole you 9 10 UNCLE JEREMIAH alretty, not to say 'I haf tole you alretty.' It sounds so Dutch." "That's right, Nora," laughed Neighbor Hawkins. "Don't let him be boss now or you won't have even an Irishman's rights when the preacher has made you a dutchess." "Sure not," asserted Nora. "I'm Irish from the marrybones out, as my father and mither wur befoor me, an' the pracher can't make a dutchess out of me, even unto the third an' foorth generation." "When's the wedding, August?" said Neighbor Hawkins, as the laugh of the assembled guests sub sided. "She says she can't be sure of herself," said Au gust, dubiously, "till she has had a look at the Saint Looey policemen." "Then you are all right," said the amiable Haw kins, "for I've heard that Congressman Bill Cab bage is to put a bill through Congress that all Irish policemen must either speak German or be married when on duty, so they won't spend so much time with other people's baby carriages and cooks." August looked so reassured that Neighbor Haw kins turned to Nora. "Stop the bean-bag riots among the kids and we will return to our muttons." "Stop yer bean-bag rye-oats in there, will ye?" cried Nora, throwing open the door. "The gentle- AND HIS NEIGHBORS 11 men and loidies of Stoompburg want to spake to themselves and their muttons." A throng of eager faces crowded the doorway. "Who's goin' to Saint Looey?" inquired a chorus of voices. A Throng of Eager Faces Crowded the Doorway. "Hold yer tongues and be sated, ye spalpeens," she answered, "or ye'll all be elicted to stay at home while the rest of ye will be enjoyin' the big show fer yer dacency in being still" There was a period of profound silence. "We think it's mighty fine of you, Uncle Jerry," began Neighbor Hawkins, "to invite us in here this 12 UNCLE JEREMIAH evening to consider your taking a bunch of our youngsters to the big show. Don't we, neighbors ?" There was a general nodding of heads, accom panied by exclamations of assent. Neighbor Haw kins continued : "Ethelbert and Matilda may go, and, with Nora taking little Helena, you have a quartette as a starter." "Mark me down fer number five," piped a squeaky voice in the doorway. "Granny says if I can sell my sheep and two shotes, I can go if it is enough, and it is enough and I can." "Stock for sale at this meeting," said Neighbor Hawkins; ''what's your price?" "Tirteen siller wheels," was the quick reply. "All right," was the 'answer; "bring your stock over to my barn in the morning and get your money." "Hurrah fer Squint," said Nora, and the children clapped their hands in applause. Squint promptly stood on his head and knocked his heels together thirteen times. "Children, go back to your games," sharply ex claimed- Squire Perkins' wife. "We old folks want to consult with one another in peace and harmony." "Do ye hear the loidy?" said Nora, as she shooed them back to close the door. "Play still. Nobody objects to yer noise if ye'll only kape quiet, so the v AND HIS NEIGHBORS 13 ould folks can insult each other in pease and hom iny." "Na du kleine goose," said August. "Do you know nothing, Nora?" "Indade, I do," she answered sharply. "Go clane a goose yerself." "Yes, yes," he replied, "I tink you know not how many feet is on a cow." "Indade, I do." "How many?" "Eight." "Ach, Gott !" exclaimed August, in dismay. "How ishdot?" "Sure, you nivver counted yourself," she replied, triumphantly. "See? Two feet at each end. That's foor. Two on each side. That's foor. How much is foor and foor in Dutch ?" "Nein! nein! 'sist not de vay," expostulated August. "Nine," said Nora. "Then a cow has nine feet, in Dutch." "Ain't you afraid, Uncle Jerry," interrupted Mrs. Perkins, "that Squint won't set a first rate example among well-behaved folks? You know his old granny has never had much control over him and she needs the money he'd cost." "Yes," replied Uncle Jeremiah; "we know he's a kind of harumscarum, uncivilized little rat, and he 14 won't be dressed up strictly in line with the money- spending crowds, but he's a likely chap towards a coming man, and the sights will do him heaps of good. If my fellow travelers of the Stumpburg set have no objections, I'd like to take him along." Listening to this was an attentive little lady, who "How Ish Dot?" hastily ran back into the playroom with a special pur pose in view. "I'll get a vote on Squint from the travelers," she called back, as she disappeared in the hallway. "The squire and me is thinking," continued Mrs. Perkins, "that p'raps we'll go arter while ourselves, and so I s'pose we'd better have our younguns go AND HIS NEIGHBORS 15- 'long then, for you'll have 'nough on your hands with what you've already bargained for." A howl vanished from the hall doorway into the other room and all knew that the three Perkins' ,3'ouths had been hard hit. "Squint's "lected," piped a voice at the sitting- room door. "We four who goes has had a unanny- mous rising vote and Squint is standing on his head 'till I 'nounce the 'lection." Helena bowed low as she delivered this decision of the fortunate ones, and then departed to turn Squint right end up. "That settles it," said Neighbor Hawkins; "we must let the boy have the time of his life while some of the rest of us looks out for old granny. Number five will take care of himself." "What troubles me and Hopgood," said the dea con's wife, "is them dreadful railroad collusions." "Yes," chimed in Minerva Duncan; "last year I read of mor'n two, and the poor folks takin' them rides had no show for nothing." "And look at the robbers," said Jake Martin. "You kin read of one every day, and they say that them we read of don't hold a candle to the ones you don't read about." "Yes, an' the slaughter of the street keers," said old Mother Smith. "The gallopin' fire engines, an' the onslaughts of microbes and oughtymobiles, is 16 UNCLE JEREMIAH 'nough to give one the shivers. My brother, who was up to them big towns onct, he tole me they must have a policeman at every crossin' in the digested deestricks to help the people acrost alive." "My! worst than all that," exclaimed Mintie Baker, "they say as them cities is just surrounded "And Look at the Robbers." with graveyards, an' that thar's a funeral seen every day. Must be dreadful onhealthy and danger- some." "Vot difference makes dot out," said August, "when the people is uset to it, an' I heerd they hat a fool born effery minute." Minnie shuddered. "My! What a wicked place." AND HIS NEIGHBORS 17 "Well, well," exclaimed Uncle Jeremiah, hastily; "we've all got to take our medicine sometime. We have to chance it anyhow. I know city folks who think we live worse than they do. They are afeered to come out here for the danger of getting hayseed in their hair. They think they are liable any minute to fall into a well, or be bit by a goose, or see a snake or be kicked by a mule or horned by a cow or butted by a sheep or have a tree fall on them." "Laws a massy, really do tell," exclaimed Mother Smith; "could you believe it, there was sich empty noggins as them city folks." "Well, is this all the crowd I can scare up?" said Uncle Jeremiah. "Just four with Squint for fifth. I thought from the interestin' crowd at the party to-night as I'd have a good baker's dozen, any how." "Maybe I'll foller up," said August. All laughed. "August's got his weather eye open fer thet po liceman," some one remarked. August scowled. "Do you really believe," inquired Hiram Jones, "as it is wuth seem', anyhow? It mout rain all the time an' you'd all catch cold and couldn't go any how. I hear there won't be any hoss racin', ner greece pole climin', ner no sich fun." "An' I hear," said Hiram's wife, "thet they've got 18 UNCLE JEREMIAH a big buildin' dedicated to beaux arts, and fer one I say there's 'nough temptations fer girls to be tuck in without any sich larnin', an' 'pon my word, I don't think Mandy'd better go. 'Sides, there's a chanct fer to git losted in sich crooked places." "Summin' it all up, Uncle Jerry," interposed Silas Rogers, " I reckon you all is about fixed with all you kin handle, and we can git a fair to middlin' idear of the sights when you all git back ef ye keep yer eyes along and limber up yer tongues when you all git back. 'Sides you kin tell us, ef it's wuth the on- convenience, an' by directin' of us on the back track we can make up a cold trail party an' make the hunt ourselves." "Watch out," warned Mother Smith, "thet ye all git back in limber clothes an' not in timber clothes, an' that yer hev yer minds all in proper gear with the 'schinery no whar out o' kelter. No tellin' how sich highfalutin' sights and things may sarve onwary travelers. They do say as thar is cannabals there as hunt heads fer a livin', an' Indians 'nough to take all yer skelps from often yer skulls." There suddenly arose a bedlam of whoops and yells from the kitchen, and Nora appeared, bearing a pan of apples on one shoulder, with Helena en throned on the other. The child held in one hand a dish heaped high with fudges and in the other a pan AND HIS NEIGHBORS 19 filled with cracked walnuts. A dozen eager children were trooping about in a vain endeaver to be fir:t served, and the conference over the proposed edu cational journey was at end. CHAPTER II. THE VISION AT THE GATES. Stumpburg gathered at the station to see the fortunate travelers aboard the train for the visionary wonders reported to be on display at Saint Looey. The elated ones were soon whirled away, leaving the depressed home-stayers to wend their weary way back to the conglomeration of gardens, orchards, fields and coal shafts known as Stumpburg. "Whew!" exclaimed Squint, digging frantically at his face with both fists as he drew his heac in from the wide view he was taking, as far as he could lean out of the car window. "I gotter cinder plunk in here, somewhere. Pity you can't look forrad with any confidence 'thout the engineer throwin' a coal-mine back at ye. I like to obsarve the tele graph posts chasin' past the trees, and everything outside playing ring-around the rosy." Meanwhile, Nora diligently extracted the cinder, as Squint talked to defeat the pain, and the young folks scattered over the car, where each could find a window through which to view the flying scenes outside. Uncle Jeremiah was deep in passing meditation when Nora came back to him in considerable distress 20 AND HIS NEIGHBORS 21 past the conductor, who was busy taking up the fares. "What's the matter, Nora?" he asked. "The conductor has robbed me," she replied. "He took ivery cint of my money and said I'd have to borrow half a dollar more from my friends." "Why didn't you give him your ticket?" inquired Uncle Jeremiah, mystified. The Sextette of Unafraids. "My ticket; that is to the fair," she exclaimed. "How could I iver get into the fair if he took that? I'd rather he'd take my money. He asked me for my ticket, but I wouldn't let him see it or have it, and he made me give him my money. He's a robber, so he is." "All right," laughed Uncle Jeremiah, as the con ductor was approaching. "Let me have your ticket 22 UNCLE JEREMIAH and I'll get your money back, and promise you that you won't miss the fair, either." The exchange of ticket for the money was made and Nora, though mystified, was again happy. "O, me! O, my!" she exclaimed, as the train crept out upon the great bridge over the father of waters, "is this the Mississippi, raelly?" "Of couse not, you ungeographical Hibernian," replied Ethelbert. "This is only a piece of it. The only place where you can see all of it is on the map." "Well, you needn't make such terrible swearing oaths about it," she replied; "I ain't no cyclopeedia." "Anyway, this is a mighty fine piece of it," said Squint, in enthusiastic contemplation, "and I wish we had it for a swimming and fishing hole in the place of the one we've got at Keg creek." His benevolent wishes for the convenience of Stumpburg vanished with the view as they plunged into the Missouri shore through the subterranean passage to the Union depot. Uncle Jeremiah had explicit instructions how to reach the hotel, where he had alrdady engaged ac commodations, and by nightfall the Stumpburg neighbors were comfortably at home in their suite of four adjoining rooms. They were speedily mak ing themselves familiar with the surroundings and gathering information that would help them 'in making the most of their visit, while Uncle Jeremiah AND HIS NEIGHBORS 23 was finding war veterans and making acquaintances rfs speedily as could be done only through the fra ternity of battlefields. Ethelbert took great interest in the various types of persons who came into the hotel, and he took considerable pleasure in mystify ing Nora and Matilda. "Come here, quick !" he called to his sister, as they came from the dining-room after the evening dinner. "Do you see that man over there with the big dia mond on his shirt? That's a lord." "An English lord?" she asked in awe-struck tones. "No," he replied. "It is an American lord; an American landlord. He operates this hotel." "Do you see that Frenchman over there?" he asked of Nora. "That man bosses the waiters. He has been in this country only three months and he can speak not only American, but six other lan guages. You have been in this country nearly twen ty-four years and you can't talk anything but Irish." "Indade, it's a good reason I have," she replied. "I lack only wan thing to speak siven tongues, as well as the Frinchmin." "What is that?" inquired Ethelbert, incredulously. "I haven't got the siven tongues." As they were talking, a woman came by, dressed in the gingham uniform of the graduate nurses' as sociation. 24 "Look," said Helena; "there goes one of those tamed nurses." Ethelbert laughed so derisively that Helena was much offended. "You go ask Uncle Jeremiah," said he, soothingly, "who tamed the nurse, and, if he tells you, I'll give you an all-day sucker and a yard of white wax chew ing gum." She darted away to earn such a coveted prize. After considerable search she at last found that he was inaccessible in the bath-room taking a bath. She returned disconsolate. "I'll have to wait till some other time," she said. "He has gone where none can see him but God and the angels." Matilda was shocked and she was giving the child a good shaking for her irreverence, when they saw Nora, who had been walking out in the hall, coming up to them under considerable confusion. "What's the matter, Nora?" inquired Matilda, as two or three of their new-found hotel friends gathered around them. "O, indade," she said, "I've just had such an em barrassing toime with Pat McGinnis of Stoomp- burg." "I didn't know Pat is here," interrupted Ethel bert, in much surprise. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 25 "Sure, he ain't," returned Nora. "That's what made it so embarrassing." , "How can that be?" "Sure," she continued, "I met him out in the hall and I said, 'Howdy, Pat McGinnis,' and he said, 'Howdy, Bridget McGuire !' And I said, Tat, you know I am not Bridget McGuire,' and he said, 'Bridget, you know I'm not Pat McGinnis.' Then we looked at each other close, and sure enough it was nayther of us. Now, wouldn't that stump your traces with a break-neck jerk?" They all thought so, when they were able to figure out the facts, and Nora was so upset that she soon retired to her room for the night. There was no trouble in arousing any one the next morning to start in due time for the fair, but, before going, they were all given a bad quarter of an hour as a reminder of the possibilities in such un accustomed surroundings. The youngest member of the quintet was missing" when Nora was ready to get the flock together, but a series of shrill yells from the bath-room indicated that the absent one was in trouble. "Helena Elenor/' cried Nora, running out into the hall, "in the name of the saints, what's the mather?" "I can't turn the key," she cried. "I'm locked in. Help! Please help me out." 26 "What's the matter?" asked Uncle Jeremiah, hur rying down the hall. "O, Uncle Jerry," said Nora, wringing her hands in great distress. "What can we do? The poor child is all locked in an' she can't turn the key." They could hear Helena Elenor weeping bitterly at the terror of being locked in that dreadful little room. By this time the hall was full of sympathetic in quirers offering all kinds of advice. Uncle Jerry got upon a chair and looked over the transom. Helena Elenor was there, indeed, in distressful plight. "Pull the key out and see if you can throw it up here where I can catch it." Uncle Jerry could only get his hand and wrist through the opening of the transom,. She drew the key out and threw it time and again but she could not hit Uncle Jerry's hand. "Send for a locksmith," some one said. "O, my arm is give clear out," said Helena, "and I can't throw any more." Then she fell again to weeping. "What's the mather here," inquired the janitor, bustling through the crowd, and giving a wrench at the doorknob. The door came open easily and revealed the aston- AND HIS NEIGHBORS 27 ished Elenor standing like a statue of grief before the door. Uncle Jeremiah pulled his hand back through the Uncle Jerry Got Upon a Chair. transom so hastily that he skinned his knuckles and the pain distracted his attention so that he missed his balance on the chair and tipped across the back 28 UNCLE JEREMIAH onto the shoulders of half a dozen women, which eased his fall to the floor. "Great people, these blasted country jays!" ex claimed the janitor, in disgust, as he went away. "They don't know the use of even a doorknob." In truth, the door had not been locked, but all had accepted the child's idea as a fact. The world's fair signs on the fronts of the cars were big enough for even the most ignorant man to read, and they gave a corresponding thrill to the anticipating sightseer who was making his first trip out to the grounds. The outside windows of the cars were free and open, but those next to the other track were covered half way to the top with bars. Squint and Helena, not to be debarred by such trivial obstacles from seeing all of Saint Looey they could get into view, got their heads out over these bars together, and were complacently taking in the sights, when the conductor caught them by the arm and jerked them back into the seat. "Do you want to get your heads cut off?" he tragically exclaimed. "A car will come along here and snip them off like a Johnny-jump-up. Lots of people lose their heads here in this town." The youngsters cowered down in their seats and did not recover till the world's fair buildings came into sight. The Stumpburg neighbors had now arrived. They AND HIS NEIGHBORS .29 were soon through the turn-stiles and the promised vision was before them. "The World's Fair! Yes, the world's fair. I never saw the world more fair," said Uncle Jere miah, as he stood with his eager and expectant group of sightseers on that gracious day of June, just in side the gates and beheld the wondrous prospects of the Cascade City. The characters of all were mirrored in their shining eyes as the fine view .burst upon them. They looked out upon the alluring groves of paradise searching for the attraction that would draw them first. Ethelbert glanced about with a knowing smile in anticipation of the chance he would have to show his companions how much a senior high school boy knew ; Matilda, his sister, was two years younger and she took in the view with the awe of melting sentiment. It made no difference where she went first, for the privilege itself was worthy of her tears. Ethelbert and Matilda both had rather exalted worldly expectations and there would be no fashion or style from royalty to rags that they would not absorb, even at the expense of seeing anything else. Nora was housekeeper at Helena's home and in cidentally attended to the lively wants of the nimble eight-year-old, for which she was allowed the extra UNCLE JEREMIAH reward of being one of Uncle Jere miah's party with Helena as compan ion. "It just makes me heart wiggle to see such a lovely sight," said Helena to Matilda, but she was able only to nod her head in reply. All stood there open-mouthed in dumb surprise, ex cepting number five. He had no time to lose in surprise. His name wasn't Squint, but what's the use everybody 'called him Squint because everybody else always had done so, and no one would know him by any other name.. Squint never said much more than a fox, but he could do more things than a monkey. It took only about three bats of his eye for him to take in the .whole situation. He then surveyed the scenes in detail with the blink of an owl half way between daylight and dark, and there was no doubt that he would get his money's worth. A med ley of sounds from brass bands to bag pipes and heathen reeds came pouring over to them from the unseen realms known as the Pike. "Pike's peak or bust," yelled Squint, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 31 as he darted away toward the music like a thin flake of iron toward a magnet. "Come back here, you, Squint," cried Nora after him, but he was beyond hearing. "Let the little scamp go," said Uncle Jeremiah. "We can't lose Squint. He knows how to get back to our lodging house, and that's enough for him." "Well, what's the verdict?" asked Uncle Jere miah. "Where shall we go first?" The look they all gave him showed at once that he had made a fatal blunder. When a commander asks his subordinates what to do he is undone, and his command is gone. "The electricity and machinery building first and last for me," said Ethelbert. "You know I am going to be an electrical engineer." "I want to go straight to the art building," plain tively implored Mildred. "I want to see the glorious paintings." "Don't talk," said Nora, "it's lookin' I want. Come on somewhere." ' "Uncle Jerry," said Ethelbert, beseechingly, "you 'tend to the girls to-day and I'll take them off your hands to-morrow." He didn't wait for any agreement to this pro posal, but hurried away like the bear that went over the mountain to see what he could see. 32 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Well, what do you say," said Uncle Jeremiah, "to us taking a general look all around on the out side first and after that every man for himself if he wants to?" That was something definite to begin with, and they went straight from the Lindell entrance along the Plaza of Saint Louis up to the grand basin. Uncle Jeremiah and his three faithful followers stood before the flowing cascades and towering groups of statuary absorbed in the beauty and glory of their splendid display. "What a wonderland for the eye!" he exclaimed. "What an inspiration for exaltation of soul ! The nobility of art expressed from the will of man! Majestic buildings rich in the finest architectural beauty, and 'filled with material messages to us, made in spiritual significance, from a universal human brotherhood ! For surging millions of happy people, it is a silent and supreme industrial university in the achievements of mankind. A magnificent spectacle in the triumphant will of human evolution, a mighty epic poem composed by millions through the long course of historic ages !" He thought of the superlative achievements in science and art that had come to pass since he was a boy to make these things possible. No imagina tion had ever dreamed so extensively, no prophet had ever been able even to hint at such wonders. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 33 High up on the mount before them was the choral temple, reached by wide, winding stairways and between them was a series of roaring cataracts in a perspective of high spouting fountains and towering groups of beings that seemed almost ani mate in the quivering reflections and undulating light. . But the eyes could not long endure this stu pendous spectacle, and there were other things they must see. Behind them, in a sky-line that seemed to reach incredibly high for the works of man, was a scene of the Tyrolean Alps. It seemed to be the landmark toward outside scenes, and they turned back to pass along that way as the most promising view of the widening wonders cf the grounds. CHAPTER III. SEEING THINGS AROUND ON THE OUTSIDE. The medley of sounds and fairy-land of scenes were bewildering and confusing as though the peo ple were pigmys in a giant's playhouse. In fact the nations were the giants and this was a kind of busi ness playhouse for their little ones. As they walked on into the Pike they came into a subdued babel of tongues spoken from a hodge podge of humanity that could be gotten together only as an accompaniment to such an international enterprise. Forms of strangers never seen before among us, with gestures as abundant as their voluminous flow of words, overwhelmed the new visitor to this show- place of nations. "Let's sit down here and watch those people,'" said Uncle Jeremiah. "I like to sit here under the drenching sun, as I used to do by my barn, while I watch the antics of the queer Asiatics as I watched my calves. It is restful and entertaining, for it saves going to sleep in order to dream. Flower girls, donkey boys and camel drivers squat among the don keys and camels and smoke cigarettes while they chatter in regular barnyard happiness. Some even- 34 AND HIS NEIGHBORS 35 ing I want to sit here and see this barnyard social scatter, as soon as the Mohammedan priest has called the prophet's worshipers to prayer from the minaret of their tower. I did so once before in the Colum bian fair and it was a mild and solemn sound to be transplanted to this foreign atmosphere. It seemed to me that I could see the glint of the wide Nile, smell the perfumes of the wild lotus and look not only upon the camels and Arabs, but upon pyramids and deserts. Even now, I can easily fancy that I feel the soft winds of Egypt and the whole vision of its enormous history comes over me to remind me of the smallness of human beings in the long sweep of time. "The sun is now throwing its golden beams upon this scene as if translated races of far off ages were using it as a search light of the. universe to discover what all this means. When these streams of light are turned away in night, then the moon and stars come out to dream over what has been seen." "Poor fellows," said Nora, observing some Turks standing against the fence near their sedan chair, while the straps which they attached to the handles hung over the shoulders in readiness for use. "I suppose they have to make their own clothes, but the haythens air larnin' our fashions as fast as they can. They have the galluses very good, but look at the sag in their pants. It's indacent to have 36 UNCLE JEREMIAH sich bad taste, or to have to wear sich clothes in public." "Look at the Egyptian women," interrupted Ma tilda. "Why do they keep up that custom here of covering their faces?" "I know," quickly re- plied the sapient Helena; "it is to keep out the flies." "Indade," said Nora, "I thought they were in a masquerade, or were showin' some kind of a robber play; maybe imi tating the white caps." Helena found a place where she was soon in tently looking through at some Asiatics in a tent. Nora went over to take a look, also. Presently she came back very much incensed. "Did you see that woman spakin' to me?" she asked. "Yes, I did," said Matilda. "The impudent hussy; what do you think she 'Look at the Sag!" AND HIS NEIGHBORS 37 axed me? She said, said she, 'Air ye long on the ground?' Without a wurrud I stuck out my foot to show it was no longer than hers. I understood her insinuation and I toorned indignantly away!" "Look, there comes a dromedary," said Matilda; "isn't he a queer looking animal?" "But he's got a queer name," said Nora, "What else could ye expect? Drumedairy, indade. An' why did they give the poor crayture sich a name?" "I know," said Helena. "You can see, if you look. It's 'cause he's got a drum on his back." "Look yonder at the hay then smokin' cigarettes," said Nora, as several Turks came by puffing their little cigars. "It's a shame how soon they larn sich bad habits so quick in this Christian country." Meanwhile, the quartet of visitors had been wan dering on from place to place, until they came to a Laplander's pavilion, where a grassy plot sug gested another resting place. They soon became in terested in two persons near them who were en deavoring to learn something about each other's customs and countries. One was a Laplander and the other was an Arab. Both could speak English fairly well, and appeared much above the average of their countrymen in both curiosity and intelli gence. "It takes more money to live here than in your country," suggested the Arab. 38 "Naa," he answered. "Spend allee make allee time. Spend eblyting for whale blub in my coun- 1 ry to keep warm ; spend allee glot in des country for ice to keep clold." " What you do in yo' country ?" he continued. "I sit and walk and ride," said the Arab. "I have my horse and the desert." "Spend Eblyting for Whale Blub." The Laplander grunted. "I have ice-house an' wibe an' cheeld." A vigorous commotion near the entrance to Cairo caused the resting group to arise and walk over that way to see what strange thing could be hap pening. A cadaverous-looking man had fallen near the AND HIS NEIGHBORS 89 entrance and a portly-looking gentleman had run to his relief. The good Samaritan had placed a medi cine case on the ground and was administering a restorative to the stricken man. "Stand aside and give the man room and air." Some self-constituted assistant executed his orders by holding back the swiftly gathering crowd. "No use to call for the patrol," the doctor called out. "He will be all right in a minute. He has merely fainted. The man is evidently a workman suffering from hunger. He is probably too proud to ask for assistance." A slender, neatly-dressed young man, at this, took off his derby and very ostentatiously threw in two silver dollars, making them clink as if he were test ing their genuineness. Then he passed around his hat. It reached Uncle Jeremiah and he was about to throw in a piece of money for the starving work man, when a shrill voice cried out, "Don't you do it, Uncle Jerry. I seed them same three fellers do the same act in the Japanese village." The philanthropic young man turned as if passing his hat on to others, but in a moment he was out of the crowd and passing swiftly from view among the throng of pedestrians. The astonished bystanders could not turn from pity to anger soon enough to intercept the tricksters. The fainting man had, in deed, rapidly recovered under the doctor's specifics, UNCLE JEREMIAH AND HIS NEIGHBORS 41 and the doctor himself was too modest to be seen. The precious trio had vanished. "How did you happen to be here ?" inquired Uncle Jeremiah, rather vaguely, in the midst of his sur prise. "O, I jist seed them fellers do it over at the Jap anese place," said Squint, "and I jist been follerin' them around to see 'em do it again." "Well, let's go take a drink," said Uncle Jere miah. "I see a place back here where they've got lemonade." The quintet repaired at once to the place of re freshment, to drown their incidental distrust of human nature in the flowing glass. "Ain't ye got any lemonade that's red?" anxiously inquired Nora. "No, madam, we don't keep it. Red lemonade would have to be imported. We can't color St. Louis water." "Do tell!" exclaimed Nora. "I heard a woman say that the worst thing about St. Louis was its water, and the other wan said, slightingly, 'O, that's a matter of taste.' I thought the color might kill the microobes." All were drinking their lemonade with much relish when Squint called out, "Say, Nora, what for do you pull down your veil and drink through it?" "Ah, shut up, you meddlin' spalpeen," Nora re- 42 UNCLE JEREMIAH plied, much annoyed. "You should not spake to a loidy who is drinking. Sure, don't I want to strain out the microobs from the water? Sure, we can't stop to boil it." The quintet walked on in subdued silence. Just ahead of them a man and woman were walking along quite briskly with a rather tired looking boy tagging at their heels. A dozen Algerians came by, led by two who were making some weird music upon reeds modeled like a fife. The boy stopped, entranced, while the parents walked on and were lost sight of in the crowds. Presently the boy discovered that he was alone. He gave out a few yells and then began to run around in a circle with all the kinds of sounds that a boy can make. Women began to crowd around. Two passing guards came up. Two or three women knelt around the child and distracted him with strange faces and stranger questions. A dozen or more men were deployed in a ring on the outskirts watching the motherly efforts of the women. The boy became more and more dazed and alarmed at so much unexpected and unaccountable attention. Two young women and a man began to part their way through the crowd for snap shots with their can> eras. Then there was a large commotion. A woman came yelling down the Pike and charged into the crowd. Her husband followed close behind, saying, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 43 "O, for heaven's sake, Gracie, don't make a spectacle of yourself. The kid'll turn up all right." But such was the force of custom that all would A Woman Came Yelling Down the Pike. have pronounced her a heartless mother if she had not done just that way. Notwithstanding the excitement, Nora was still in a roiled state of feelings as the crowd began to 44 UNCLE JEREMIAH thin out and take to its several ways. She noticed that a spry-looking young man was standing in rather familiar proximity. "Hello, Bridget," he said, smilingly, lifting his hat as to an old acquaintance, "which way are you going?" "An' how did ye find out that my name was Bridget?" "Guessed it." "Well, sor," she answered, loftily, "ye may guess which way I'm going an' make tracks the other way like a brindle calf in weanen time, whin I hoist me foot in its flanks." The crowd swallowed him up and Nora kept step with Uncle Jeremiah till she forgot it. "Ho, ho," cried Squint. "Jist clap yer eyes onto the sign." He pointed out a peculiar sign over the narrow doorway of a booth. "Beer, Sausages, Hot Lunch, Dancing Girls, 25 cents." "That's cheap, Uncle Jerry," said Squint, "an' I'm gettin' hungry. I s'pose we should order the girls boiled." Uncle Jerry did not see any room for a reply and they passed on to the end of the street" Squint observed a familiar form in a big crowd that was gathered about the entrance of one of AND HIS NEIGHBORS 45 the shows and straightway brought forth Master Ethelbert to his companions. "I thought you were among the electricity ex hibits," said Uncle Jeremiah. "Well, I just got interested along here and forgot it," he answered, apologetically. "O, I know," said Squint, "why he didn't go there. He's afraid some of the 'lectricity might get away and bump into him. When I go there I want to go in a rubber bag." "I guess temptations overcame his good inten tions," returned Uncle Jeremiah. "Many a young man before him has started out along the royal road of knowledge and ended in the Pike of life." Ethelbert looked as though his feelings were suf fering a kind of green-apple misery and Uncle Jere miah let them glide into the general merriment, as they were now all alike walking the Pike together. Presently, as they passed the end of the Transpor tation building Nora ran to an entrance for a glimpse and came back immediately with tragedy written in her face. Her companions stopped. "I just walked right under a horse as high as a house/' she exclaimed, "and I ran away from it right into a railroad accident where dozens of people all cut- up are lying in a heap; arms and legs and heads ! It's awful !" Such an exciting novelty all wanted to' see and 46 UNCLE JEREMIAH they hastened in. Squint got there first and his yell of delight greeted them as they approached. . "A wood horse and a pack of broke-up dum mies," he explained, and their nerves began to slow down, but Nora continued to look wild for at least half an hour. Before them loomed the great spectre A Horse as High as a House. that had so long been a relic of the Midway Plais- ance at the Columbian Exposition. Uncle Jeremiah looked musingly at the big Ferris wheel, which had been brought from Chicago and re-christened "Ob servation Wheel." "This is a toy for men as a merry-go-round is for children," he soliloquized. "It is a kind of symbol AND HIS NEIGHBORS 47 also of life. We rise higher and higher to the lights of our hopes, catching glimpses of landscapes and strange villages of other nations, with little real knowledge of things seen, so swiftly do we pass. Then they all begin to be blurred into one another as we reach the top. Nothing is close and complete but our family and friends in the same car. We hear the coarse grind of machinery from some power wholly beyond us to touch or to hold. There is no rest, no solitude, no peace. By and by the grinding ceases and we are back to the earth, from whence we came, close to nothingness and the sod. . Darkness falls, the night comes on, and it has profited us nothing if we have gained the whole world and yet found nothing else." "Isn't it funny," interrupted Helena. "Such a big wheel with such a little hub." "Wouldn't it make a fine wheel for Niagara Falls," commented Ethelbert. "Just like Niagara Falls, it doesn't look half so big till you get under it and look up; then it looks as if it were plowing the clouds." The long walls of the Agricultural building loomed up before them beyond the gaily decked building of France, and they went on around toward it till they saw the tops of the Filipino houses, when they turned across Arrow-head Lake and were in the midst of the exhibit of our far-away colonies. Num- 8 UNCLE JEREMIAH bers of the Filipino soldiers in the regular army of the United States passed, neat and trim as any per sons ever seen in the government service. Near where these soldiers were encamped was the bamboo stockade in which were kept the breech-clouted, but otherwise naked, Tgorrotes, from the mountains of Luzon. Their tribe was head-hunters that had never been conquered during all the three hundred years of Spanish occupation. Ethelbert became busy with his notebook. He found the white man in charge and asked many ques tions. He noted among the peculiarities of the Igorrotes that they rear dogs for food as civilized folks do hogs. Note: What is the aesthetic dis tinction, anyway, between a dog and a hog? They hunt with blow guns. They live in the mountains of Luzon and are afraid of thunder. The women wear combs made of bamboo. Their huts are built in the thickets. They chew betel nuts. The women and men exchange a handful of rice and that is mar riage. The United States government report calls them head-hunters. The American soldiers call them jungle hornets. Their chief priest or medicine man is never allowed to die a natural death. As soon as he is sick his chief pupil is sworn in and kills him to prevent death having the victory. But there was a never-ending series of discoveries to be recorded concerning the differences between AND HIS NEIGHBORS 49 the yellow and white races. Every exhibit and custom seemed to be reversed in the people of the Orient from those in the Occident. He completed this rec ord with peculiarities of the Chinese and Japanese. The front pages of their magazines are in the back and their back covers in front. They read from right to left in lines that run perpendicular. They shake their own hands. They always keep purposely out of step in walking. To be polite, they put their hats on instead of taking them off. They whiten] their boots instead of blackening them. They put' their heels, not their toes, in stirrups when riding.^ They arrange the compass to point south. They esteem the seeds of melons a greater delicacy than t the meat. They have ceremony and the formality of social relationships in the place of morality and their religion is entirely a creed of philosophy. From the Filipino village they passed on by way of the Horticultural building toward the camp of the Boers. As they came into the road near the south end of the Agricultural building their attention was attracted by a loud yell, which was so confused in sound as to give little idea of the direction from whence it came. They were approaching a group of men standing in a peculiar attitude between the two buildings. "Hello!" yelled one of them. As there was no one else near for them to call to 50 UNCLE JEREMIAH like that, the Stumpburg folks were mystified, if not startled, at such familiarity. They stopped near the men to satisfy their curios ity as to the cause of such familiarity. "Hello!" cried another, and a distinct hello was heard twice repeated. "We are listening at this echo," explained one of the men. "Sometimes we can hear it repeated three times. Isn't it wonderful?" "I can't call it specially wonderful," replied one of the men. "We had at my town when I was a boy an echo between the bluffs of our little river which would repeat the sound of a revolver shot five times, and the last was like the crack of a whip." "That's nothing," replied another. "In my town we had an echo between two churches that would repeat seven times aloud yell of any kind and the last would be a distinct 'Amen.' ' "Pshaw!" exclaimed another. "You folks haven't heard real live echoes. There was one between two hills near where I lived that would repeat, aloud, 'who's there' nine times and the last was a very im polite yell of 'None of your business.' ' "Those two hills weren't as intelligent as two near my home," replied another. "A colony of Irishmen lived on one hill slope and a colony of Ger mans on the other. At sundown a German would yell, 'Katzenyamrner Irish/ and that voice would 51 bound back and forth between those hills till dark, when the last sound heard was 'Sauerkraut Dutch.' ' " That's nothing compared with what I heard at a place among the Alps," returned another. But Uncle Jeremiah spread out his arms and swept the Stumpburg bunch onward so that they could survive the fall in imagination from the heights of such echo stories. "Is anyone getting tired?" inquired Uncle Jere miah. Tired ! No one had thought of such a thing, but there was a significant consultation of watches. It was now noon and they had entered the grounds at nine o'clock! "I feel as hollow," said Ethelbert, "as one of those echo stories." "And I feel," said Nora, "as weak as a bag-pipe after a shindig." "A table exhibit in the nearest restaurant would be a glorious sight," added Matilda, "and there's a sign of one over there by the bridge." The Stumpburg visitors hastened that way and were soon seated in expectant anticipation of re freshments as exquisite and exhilarating as the sights and scenes of the great fair. CHAPTER IV. ALL AROUND THE WORLD IN A DAY. Uncle Jeremiah consulted the bill of fare and made out his order according to his estimate of the indi vidual appetites. The tables were crowded and the wait was long for impatient persons to b< served. Accustomed to the general familiarity or country people, mutual curiosity and talkativeness soon opened the way to conversation with near neighbors as a necessary means to pass away the waiting in tervals. "Are you a native of St. Looey?" inquired the gallant young man sitting next to Nora at the table. "A phat?" Nora would have said "what," but her brogue was flexible and broadened according to her per plexity. "Are you a native of this city?" the young man repeated. Helena saw that she was bewildered. "Nora," she exclaimed in a disgusted tone, "don't you know what native is ? He wants to know if you were living here when you were born, or if you were born before you had begun to be living here," AND HIS NEIGHBORS 53 "How can I tell?" she replied to the query. "I was only beginning to run around whin me father and mither left auld Ireland. But I'm a Hoosier, now," she continued to the young man, "and if you iver come within visitin' distance of my home I hope ye may sthop there as long as ye plaze and thin you may find out if I am a native or not." In the contemplation of such a dubious suggestion the young man waxed into silence. Squint was sorely puzzled at a man across the table-from him. He studied the gentleman with an interest that developed into a countenance blank with indecision. The man ate his dinner unconcernedly, but his right eye was fastened on Squint, and it never veered nor winked. Squint became uneasy. He swayed far over to one side and then to the other, but the eye never changed. It began to appear to him as if it were as big as a full moon rising red from behind the shaggy lines of a distant grove. Presently a terrorizing thought seized him. He had heard of the evil eye and the hypnotic spell. A man with such an eye must be a demon. But he had met and vanquished many a ghostly object about his granny's house, in many a black night, and he didn't propose to surrender without a struggle. Leaning forward he said in a high-keyed whisper, *' Mister, be ye lookin' at me?" 54 UNCLE JEREMIAH The man's left eye turned up from his plate and joined the other one in looking at Squint. "Be ye lookin' at me?" the boy repeated, for lack of knowing what else to say. "Blarst you fool kids," he exclaimed. "That eye's glass and don't see nothing." Squint took another prolonged look as the man's real eye went down again to the plate, and for the rest of the meal was the quietest boy in the fair grounds. "These are two fine little boys you have," said Uncle Jerry to a young woman who was sitting near him at the table, and endeavoring to satisfy the appetites of two very hungry lads. "Yes, sir," she 'said, respectfully. "They arc sister's." "Do you mean they are brothers?" he corrected. "Yes, sir; no, sir," she exclaimed in rapid contra diction. "I mean they are my sister's." "Don't you mean they are your brothers?" he persisted, much perplexed. "O, dear me," she wailed, "is there no -way to get it right? I mean that these brothers are my sister's boys." Then it dawned on the doubtful questioner and he said, "O, yes, I see," and the medley of errors made further conversation seem risky, if not unde sirable, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 56 UNCLE JEREMIAH Here was a good opportunity for him to see what to do next and he consulted his map of the grounds in order to save unnecessary walking. See ing that a station of the intramural railway was near, he turned his flock that way and took a car across to the plateau of states. Seated- there com fortably by open windows, they had a fine view of the great picture of buildings, and the inspiration of the scene came in deep breaths of exulting enthusi asm for the genius and enterprise of the American people. "Think," said Uncle Jeremiah, "of the president in Washington, a thousand miles away, pressing a button that sets in motion the vast machinery of this massive world's workshop. In that act was the quintessence of iQth century intelligence. There in was a union of dead and living men, who are speaking with the work to all the world. The dignity and nobility of 80,000,000 people was there gathered about that button in the form of president, his cabinet and the supreme court of the United States. And yet, the government of France cut off Lavoisier's head with the guillotine, not so many years ago, because they had enough of scientific men ! The pomp of king? may be awe-inspiring, but what has been their combined worth to the world in com parison with the combined thought of the immortal thinkers who have made the industrial wonders AND HIS NEIGHBORS 57 housed in this great exposition, this amazing con cert of human intelligence ? ? "Surely," continued Uncle Jeremiah, "no one can' come here and fail to find inspiration in all his highest ideals, nor go away unsatisfied with w y hat he has seen. The lover of architecture has unparal leled examples of every kind at every turn. The artist can see an idealist's dream from the views along the terrace of States. The florist and the botanist can find the most exquisite forms of vege tation in the prospects about the Agricultural build ing. The curiosity-seeker in every phase of human life can find all he can use along the by-ways of the Pike. "Think of a show that requires one hundred and twenty-eight acres of floor space to house its delicate exhibits and twelve hundred and forty acres to hold it all. Including all buildings there are three hun dred acres under roof! The agricultural display, requiring to be covered, has a building whose roof is over twenty-three acres, not to mention the vast quantities and varieties shown in special buildings and elsewhere. It shows where the farmers stand, in the importance of the industrial world. "The amount of money expended is already above fifty millions, and is expected to be at least five millions more before the fair is closed. That is greater, indeed, than any four of the greatest fairs 58 UNCLE JEREMIAH ever held before, a $50,000,000 show given to a visitor for fifty cents! "The lumber used in the construction of the build ings would floor a carriage roadway twice around the world, and would require a freight train five hun dred miles long to haul it. It represents the work of one hundred and twenty thousand men for a year or more. The electrical display at night is sufficient to light up the houses and streets of all London. The Philippine exhibit covers forty acres and cost a million dollars to establish. Only in such special comparisons and statements can we appreciate this enormous enterprise whose instruction, entertain ment and profit is ours only at the cost of a few dol lars and a few days' time. "World's Fairs are collected samples of all the treasures in the discovery and invention of man. They are specialized epitomes of art, education and science. Social or religious problems are discussed by the most learned and advanced men of the times. Dynamos, locomotives, telescopes, printing presses, destructive artillery and all the articles that skill and industry can produce in the comfort, welfare and progress of the human race, are classified and housed here that any one may see and learn what is being done by men and governments." Their car stopped at the southeast corner of the grounds and they found themselves in the midst of AND HIS NEIGHBORS 59 a city of states, each of which was represented by a house characteristic in some way, or emblematic of the commonwealth which it represented. "What made us get off so quick?" petulantly in quired Helena. "Is that why it is called the intra- mule railroad?" "No, it is because it goes so slow," answered Nora. Ethelbert laughed. "The premises of your scientific debate are wrong," said he. "It is not intra-mule but intra mural. Intra means within. Mural means wall. So it is not within the mule but within the wall." "That's no argument," insisted Nora. "Where is your wall? I'd as lave think I was in a mule" as in a wall." Ethelbert sheered off to the big bird cage to swallow his disgust. Uncle Jeremiah and Helena went on over to the Indiana building and the others scattered about to see what they could see. These houses of the state were indeed home places and Uncle Jeremiah settled down in a big arm chair for an hour's rest. Helena was seated on the arm of his chair when a man came up to her and said, "Are you having a good time, little girl ?" "Just as good as I can considering my size." "Why, could you be happier, if you were bigger?" 60 "Of course I could. I'd hold more." "You are a very pretty child," said the man, fa miliarly. "I like pretty children. I have no child, so I must like other children." So far Uncle Jeremiah had been musing and did not notice him, except in distinctly to have a kind sentiment for one who was gentle and tender toward a child. "I like a pretty child. Let me kiss you." Uncle Jeremiah's feel ing of sympathy changed from pity to a tinge of alarm. The child turned from him. "Let me kiss you," he repeated, "or I'll hit that old man in the face." She gave a look at Uncle Jeremiah and "Let Me Kiss You." turned to yield the kiss. Uncle Jeremiah interposed. "The child shall have no one kiss her against her wish and pleasure or proper propriety." He began to realize that the man bore the appearance of one AND HIS NEIGHBORS . 61 not altogether responsible for his conduct from the influence of liquor. The intruder hesitated. "Move on," said Uncle Jeremiah, "before I call a guard and have you arrested." He moved on. "Were you going to let that stranger kiss you?'' asked Uncle Jeremiah in reproachful indignation. She looked up with a suffering countenance. "I thought he was going to hit you. I didn't want the man to hit my Uncle Jeremiah." "Never mind, my child," said Uncle Jeremiah, half choking at this evidence of her child-love, "there is not power enough in the world to make it neces sary for even a child to do wrong. "Be polite to all," he continued, "but do not let any one be too familiar with you and you need not fear anybody." A gentlemen having a distinct Southern appear ance took a seat near by. "I am supprised, sah, an' supprise is no wohd fo' it," he said, "how almighty smaht you nothenes is." Uncle Jeremiah smiled complacently at the flat tery. "By heaven, sah, everah man, from child to grand- motha, know I is from Virginea. Of co'se, I don't mind, yo ; know, but it is so queeah. Yestiday a po' 62 UNCLE JEREMIAH lookin' fella stopped me an' say, ' May I speak to you a minute? ' I said, ' I reckon, sah.' ' I too am fom the sunny southern country,' he said, ' fom New Owleens. I had all my money stole, sah, an' I am hongry.' He seed mah han' go to mah pocket and he stopped. I could see he was smackin' his lips, an' his mouth was a watahin'. I gave him two bits, just one quataw fo' a squah meal. He grinned and I cawt on that he had neverah been fathah south in his life than right heah at the aidge of Gawd's own home country." His story told, he arose and moved, for there was too much to see for any able-bodied man to waste precious time in sitting still very long. Helena was flinging her hat around by the rib bon in long circles when an old negro of ministerial aspect came walking by. Her hat struck him on the head, slipped from her hand and went sailing away before the smart breeze. He speedily re covered it for her, and, as she thanked him he asked, "What is your name, little girl?" "Evans," she answered. "I mean your first name." "I told you if is Evans," she said. "My second name is Helena, and my third name is Elenor." The darkey shook his head. "I kaint understand you. "Well, my name was Evans as soon as I was AND HIS NEIGHBORS 63 born. Three days after, my father was asked for my given name so I could be put down in the records of the city and he said Helena to honor my mother, ' ' 'What is Your Name?" whose name is Helen. Last year I named myself Elenor. So, Elenor is my third and last name ug to the present time." "What's your name?" she asked in turn. "George Washington." 64 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Really? Are you the Washington that cut down the cherry tree ?" "No," he replied thoughtfully. "I kaint say that I am, for I ain't done no work for nigh on to a year. Must a bin some one as tuck my name to git out of trouble." "There comes Ethelbert," said Helena. "Looks as if he were reading a letter." Ethelbert was coming across the road with his eyes fixed on a sheet of paper held before him. "While I was roving around here," he said as he came up, "I had an inspiration to compare the city and the farm. Read it and see if I'm a poet." Uncle Jeremiah read : "How sweet to dream of the farmer's lot, From pleasing shades to his humble cot ! While in the rest of the trees he lies, He hears the song of zephyrs rise, Free from wasting arts of modern life, Their strenuous hopes and envious strife. The music of birds and childhood's glee Echo the wind-songs of every tree. "The fragrance of a thousand flowers Assails his senses through all the hours Where earth and heaven in concord meet To lay their beauties about his feet, While all around sweet nature's choir Awake the meadows and the groves inspire. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 65 "Then the flush of health swells through his veins, To a power of thought no monarch knows, The world sinks down with all its pains, And universal splendor glows. He now looks forth on fancied wealth, The glory of great fame And henceforth feels no need of stealth To crown the greatness of his name. "His calm domain the waving harvests cover, A gracious paradise for sage or lover. With holy warmth his musings to beguile The playful sunbeams on his landscapes smile. The varying tints without reserve are spread, As night descending settles 'round his head, And over all its darkening mantle throws, Inviting labor to sweet sleep's repose." "I believe I can beat that," said Uncle Jeremiah. "Let's see what I can do in the way of poetic in spiration as to the -facts of a farmer's journey to the city and his appreciation." Uncle Jeremiah wrote beneath Ethelbert's effusion as follows : I love to steal awhile away, From every cumb'ring care And buy a half-fare ticket For all the St. Louis Fair. When I have spent a week or so And seen the Fair so great, Perhaps I'll steal away to ride Back on a homeward freight. 66 UNCLE JEREMIAH These poetic inspirations were rudely interrupted by a very unpoetic incident. A horse drawing a cart came by with a heavy load. A wheel struck against a curb stone and jerked the horse back. He stopped. The driver yelled at him to go on but he respected the sign of the curb stone more than he did his master and so refused to budge. In a minute the people gath ered around with advice, a great crowd of them, with opinions unlimited. "Twist his ears," cried one. "Twist his tail," advised another. "Back the cart." "Jerk the left rein." "Blindfold him." "Strike a match under his nose." "Get an ear of corn." "Kick his knees." "Tell him about Mary's lamb." "Repeat the ioo,th Psalm." "Be kind to him," broke in a shrill feminine voice, and the crowd applauded. "I know what I'd do, don't you?" said a wag. By this time there was such a crowd around that the horse couldn't move, if he had wanted to. "Back here, get back," said a Jefferson guard, op ening a way in front of the animal. The people fell to one side, and the horse, seeing a chance to AND HIS NEIGHBORS 67 68 UNCLE JEREMIAH escape, gave a steady hump or two at his load and walked away, with the cheers of three or four hun dred spectators. The excitement had brought the Stumpburg peo ple together and they started on to complete their way around the World's Exposition. They came from the Plateau of States and took a peep into the Government building. Then with a glance into the Liberal Arts building they passed through the U. S. War Field Hospital grounds. They went through the central street of the Model City and made a close examination of all the appliances and plans therein. Presently they found themselves again at Lindell entrance. Uncle Jeremiah looked at his watch. Time had flown. It was five o'clock and people were streaming through the entrance homeward. The Stumpburg folks followed and boarded the shuttle train in the Wabash station. Such trains! No wonder they were called shuttle trains. They went back and forth like a weaver's shuttle. An engine was at each end. Here the rural visitors found for the first time that they were weary. The chase was done, the excitement over and the collapse was on them. They were glad when the few blocks were gone over from the Union station and they were at rest in their rooms at the hotel. CHAPTER V. WRITING HOME ABOUT THE FAIR. Stumpburg was hungry and the most appreciated way to dispose of its fatigue was in resting around the dining room table. Besides, it was meal time and the clatter in the white robed portion of the hotel indicated that people were eating. Stumpburg made its toilet hastily, and with commendable swift ness made its appearance at the place of refresh ments. Uncle Jeremiah was not yet present and the others kept the waiter waiting, for they were by no means certain that they could order what they needed without their chaperone's assistance. There was a sigh of relief when he appeared, and the period of martyrdom while waiting for the waiter to serve them was passed over in silence. Then the meal was quickly dispatched and the interests of even ing in the city were before them. Everybody in the hotel seemed to be engaged dur ing the evening in letter writing, and Nora con cluded that she should not only follow the fashion but show the home folks that she had really arrived at the far-away world of wonders. She selected August's mother as the most appropriate person. Those two were the sole members of the household. 69 70 UNCLE JEREMIAH which through August's close and industrious hab its had built up a thrifty and prosperous farm. Neither of them had any time for such useless arts as reading and writing, therefore some one would be asked to read her letter and she would thus have its contents well spread about the neighborhood. And thus she wrote: "Dear Mither Freeda: "It's a woonderful, woonderful, woonderful show. I had a great great soorprise. Who should I boomp up against but Pat McGinnis when the last worrud he tole me wuz at choorch. He said, said he, sich a shoow wuz only for doods and oristercrats, an' he woodn't be kot in sich a crowd. And sure enough it was not Pat, but another man just as good. "O it's a woonderful, woonderful, woonderful show. The guards, an pleecemen and solgeers are grate. An friendly, O my! They all no me as if since my granny was in auld Ireland. "It is indade a woonderful, woonderful, woonder ful panoramy. "I saw wan pleeceman take a woman to a keerage with a box top and a dure. They shut her in the box with two other pleecemen, an I axed some wan how did she get the ride with the pleecemen an the perlite gintlemen said she wuz too strong, being a shoplifter. He did not no how strong I am or I might a got a ride to. "It is a verry, verry, verry woonderful fair, which I will tell you all when I come. "NORA." AND HIS NEIGHBORS 71 Matilda finally persuaded Squint that it was his duty to write to his grandmother. After an enor mous amount of laborious exertion, he succeeded as follows-: Y Dear Granny : "I suppose you bin werry ankshus to no if I am holdin my own. "I am. "Shorely, though it's harder than I expected. "I wont tell you bout nothing till I get back with somun to prove up by, fer if I do I wont have any karackter when I get back. Some things are biggern I expectud, some less, mostly otherwise. I'd never git tired seeing things but Im nearly wore down keeping dressed up. Its werry panefool. "Please have the ole close slung crost the bedsted so I kin git into them at onct, an go out an woller in the straw stack. "Got a grate joke on Uncle Jerry. He wouldnt go to the Woman's bildin an I said as I suppose why cause sure nuff its leep yeer and hes been married onct. "Got one on Nora. "She said why they dont have any windows an nothin but skylites in the picture building. I said I 72 UNCLE JEREMIAH know why. She said why. So you cant look out at the cows. "Got one on Ethelbert. "Found a day before paper some one had thrun away. Got nuther boys hat. Pulled it down over my face and came up to Ethelbert yelling, Horrible accident. Two hundred and seventy five thousand people burned to death in Stumpburg, Hooppole township, Posey county, Indiana. Ethelbert got ex cited. Give me a dime an I walked off without giving change. He was not satisfied. Here you scamp he yelled, give me back my money. Its a lie. Nothing in the paper. He came after me and I said you must be an orful broot not to be ten cents thank ful for it being a mistake, and getting mad cause he couldnt find it in the paper. Then he recog nized me and I had to hoof it to get way frum the spanks. "Got one on Matilda. "She looked at a sine on some furs and she sed I guess this exhibit is Rooshin. The mans name souns Rooshin. It was HANZOFF. I guess the fellow was a furriner and couldnt spell. "Got one on Helena. "Herd fine music las nite. Whats that said Ma tilda. I know said the kid. Its the fountain playin. Herd em say it would play tnight. "O my Im tired writin. "Got one on myself. "Fade five cents to paste splasher puttin up picters on wall for to see em. "Other people looked for nothing. "Writins wors than plowin. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 73 ^omin Home in three days, if money goes like "SQUINT." lie streets were as great a curiosity to Ethelbert is the fair grounds and his first day of sight-seeing lad not dampened his desire to see more. As soon as his supper was ended he took up his hat. You tired folks," he said, "can go to your rooms md get to bed. I'm going to take a walk." shop windows of the big stores were a reve lation in arrangement, quality and quantity. He talked on and on till he suddenly became aware that he had passed out of the business district and that he was not sure whether he was coming or joing. [e stopped irresolutely under a lamp-post, when a smiling young woman came up to a window, con taining a display of jewelry, and leisurely surveyed the gems. [e was startled at seeing what appeared to be the nost beautiful and becoming looking woman he had jver beheld. She was a vision of whiteness and :olor rivalling the gems in which she was so in terested. Perhaps like him she was a visitor at the 'Fair. Presently she turned and met his admiring gaze. , hello," she exclaimed. "You here? I -was just wishing for some one to take me home." 74 UNCLE JEREMIAH "I'm afraid you are mistaken in me," he replied, "and I think I am lost myself." She was about to pass on at this supposed re buff, when he remembered that fortune is said to knock but once, and only once, at every man's door. This might be one of the select ladies of the city's aristocracy, and perhaps she was really interested in him. "Pardon me," he said in perspiring confusion, "but I would be pleased to see you home, if it would be any accommodation to you." She was momentarily puzzled to know if this in nocence was real cr assumed, but a single look at the youth was enough for her practiced eyes. "You're all right," she said sweetly smiling as she took his arm. "If you are lost, then I will take you to my hotel." So she owned a hotel and he felt sure he was right in thinking that this dazzling creature was one of Ihe highest society and wealth. Perhaps she was one of the society angels wlio did such noble deeds in caring for the good of others. He remembered that he had heard of society angels. Her interest in him was so beautifully kind of her that his respect and admiration rose high for the superiority of this woman over those he had known. She chatted pleasantly and entertainingly as they AND HIS NEIGHBORS 75 moved along and he was charmed with her fine breeding and culture, till they came to a flaring sign enclosing a glaring electric light. She drew him toward the door over which he had read the words, "Family Entrance." " Is this where you live ?" he asked in a revolution of astonishment. "Is This Where You Live?" "Oh, I hang out here," she replied, "when they won't let me into a better joint." His illusion fled. He wheeled and hurried away as if pursued by a pestilence. 76 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Lor!" he exclaimed, catching his breath, "look at me running off with myself. Guess I'll find out where I am." "Sir," he said to the first well dressed pedestrian he met, "pardon me, but I would like " "Not on your life," brusquely replied the pedes trian, moving on, "you don't touch me for anything to-night." He did not understand this jargon, but laid it to the unaccommodating manners of city people. "Pardon me," he began to the next reliable-look ing passer-by. "No you don't," this one exclaimed. "I'm not helping anyone to get back home to a dying mother on this night." This was bewildering as well as discouraging. "Say, I want to know if you'll be so kind " he hurriedly spoke to the next one. "No, my boy, I won't be so kind. I know your story" replied the stranger. "You had a longing for learning and you left the farm right in harvest time and you must get back to help your widowed mother, but you were robbed at the fair. O, no, my boy, not to-night." A light dawned on Ethelbert. He was being taken for a beggar. This made him desperate. " Say, where am I ?" he yelled at the next one. "Yer in Saint Looie, pard, if ye ain't in bug- AND HIS NEIGHBORS 7? house," was the unexpected reply, as the stranger passed on. He was unnerved. This was enough to make one "Not on Your Life. think of suicide. He was nearing the corner when his attention was caught by a whirling object that came out from the open hall-way by a show-window of second-hand goods and appeared walking toward him like a double headed manikin. Before he could ?8 UNCLE JEREMIAH realize his fright, there was another swift whirl about and Squint stood before him, right end up. Ethelbert seized him as if he were a life preserver and told him with many emphatic repetitions of his joy at seeing him. "O, they just got little 'larmed 'bout ye," he said, "and sent me out to find ye and I done it, 'thout go ing far. Our boardin' house is jest two doors 'round the corner." Ethelbert appeared among the familiar forms of his Stumpburg friends looking decidedly sheepish, and he was glad to find them too busy writing let ters to suspect his adventure. But to relieve him self he felt compelled to say something. "I'm disgusted with the city," he exclaimed, "and I'll be glad when this sight-seeing is over so I can get back where people have some sense." Nora was the only one who heard him and she heartily sympathized with his views. "Talk about nonsense in the country," said Nora, reflectively, "why, the foolishness is just running over in the city, especially on perliteness. Why, for example I says, says I, to a man at the table, just for common friendliness, 'It looks like rain.' And he said to me, says he, 'Beg pawdon/ looking at me queer. I said, 'Sir, I am innocent and I have not yet come so low as to beg,' and he just says, 'beg pawdon,' as if he didn't know any other words. I AND HIS NEIGHBORS 79 heard a young lady kind a gulp up, and she says, says she, 'Beg pawdon,' as if she wanted to 'tract everyone's attention to it. Simply awful the way people here want you to take notice of everything ,they do by talking about it. And manners, why, they have been raised awful !" She was disgusted also and she decided to go on to her room. It was dark in her room, regardless of the light in the hall, and she endeavored in vain to light a match by striking it on the wall before her. A porter was passing and she called on him to help her out of her difficulties. He readily struck a match on the seat of his trousers and handed the little torch to her with a grin of masculine superiority. "The divil fly away wid ye," she said scornfully; "do ye think I'll hunt all over the house ivery time I can't find anything better to sthrike a match on than the sate of yer britches?" The dumbounded porter found the door closed in his face and he went his way wondering if there was any place where a laugh came in. Nora raised the window to let in some fresh air when the last notes of wheezy music from a hand organ poured in to entrance her for a moment. Then she turned with a sigh to the mirror on her dresser and thought numerous things. As the music ended, she began feeling about for pin-heads in the 80 UNCLE JEREMIAH first beginnings of disrobing, when there was a scratching noise on the window outside, that dis tracted her attention for the moment from the scal ing garments and half-extracted fasteners. There had been little time to think when a black body bounded through the window upon the bed and was met by a scream that was neighbor to a panic. The impish-looking form was the organ grinder's monkey and it went back out through the window with little attention to method of loco motion. In a moment, the members of the Stump- burg family were around her inquiring what had happened. "Look out of the window quick," she cried, "and see if I have had a delooshion or a rael imp from the infoornal raygens." Helena climbed over the bed to the window. "O, it's just a dear little Italian monkey, looking for pennies," she said. "Give them to him, give them to him," repeated Nora, "and tell him the next time to knock at the dure befoor distoorbing a lady's privacy like that. He's no gintleman and I'll nivver spake to another Italian as long as I live. They're no gintlemen, at all, at all." When Nora's nerves were reassured, her friends left her to complete her preparation for sleep, and she closed the window fast, determined that no more AND HIS NEIGHBORS 81 peeping-Toms of the Italian tribe should have an other such chance. In due time, Stumpburg was sleeping the sleep of the tired, if not of the righteous, recuperating for another exhaustive and exhausting day. A Rael Imp from the Infoornal Raygens! Helena disliked very much to be left alone in bed, but Nora preferred to let her sleep as long as she would in the morning. Therefore, not long after daylight, she went noiselessly into the next room to Matilda's wash stand and left the door open. Presently Helena gave a yell. 82 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Come quick! There's a mouse in here." , "Not after such a yell," said Nora. "If he is, he's petrified." "Yes there is," persisted Helena. "I heard him nibblin' behind the trunk." "It was only yer teeth rubbin' together in a drame," replied Nora. "It's not," vigorously returned the child, "for I heard his feet a tramping and his tail a dragging across the floor." "Poor thing," said Matilda, appearing in the door way, "have you been much frightened?" "O, yes," answered Nora, "the poor thing has been unconscious nine hours." "Mercy on us!" gasped Matilda, "how was that?" "She was fastaslape." Sounds from the next room indicated that the male members of the Stumpburg set were bestirring themselves, and another day had in reality begun. Uncle Jeremiah was already out taking his morn ing walk. As he turned the corner on the re turn toward his hotel, he saw an elderly woman standing at the mail box wiping her eyes and be wailing misfortune as if in great distress. "What's the matter?" said he, approaching her. "O, sir!" she exclaimed, "surely, you will help me. Just now I mailed a letter holding my glasses in the same hand and I dropped my glasses in in- AND HIS NEIGHBORS 83 stead of the letter. Now I can't see anything with out them. I can hardly find my way along the street. Can't you.open this box and get them for me?" iff/, "/ Dropped My Glasses In!" "Open the mail box?" he asked incredulously. "Break into the United States mail?" "Why, sir," she cried, "that could be no harm. 84 UNCLE JEREMIAH The glasses belong to me. The government can not use them." "Why, that would land me in jail," he affirmed. "You must wait till the letter collector comes around. It tells on the box about the time he will be here." Something glittering inside of her half opened parasol caught his attention. "What is that down there in your parasol?" She drew up the mentioned article and hastily picked out the shining object. "Well, I'll be switched if it ain't my glasses," she joyfully cried. "How in the name of time did they get there ?" Uncle Jeremiah made no attempt to answer that profound question, but walked on to the hotel mus ing upon the uncertainty of opinion and the unreli ability of human judgment. CHAPTER VI. DON QUIXOTE AND HIS STRANGE ADVENTURES. The Stumpburg sextette were now familiar enough with going and coming and the youngsters felt able to get out of Uncle Jeremiah's shadow with out fear. Matilda had brought her camera and she was so anxious to use it that Ethelbert secured her permit and she set forth on the second day with keen an ticipation and the camera dangling about her shoul ders. The Pike being the most interesting place for snap-shots, she led the way there, but she did not find anything worthy of her instrument till she got into Cairo. Squint mounted a camel and the sight was ludicrous enough for the beginning of her pictures. In the concession of Fair Japan, she found a pretty group of babies seated upon a mat. She unslung the little machine from her shoulder and set it for a picture. A number of curiosity seekers crowded up to see what she was doing. Their sudden interest made her nervous and hasty. The click of the spring in her camera caused her to realize that she had taken a snap-shot of the inquisitive onlookers in- 85 86 UNCLE JEREMIAH stead of the little group of children playing on the outspread mat. "You wanta peekture?" said a Japanese boy who was watching over the children. "Leta stan' by rose tree." Squint and the Kodak. She arranged her camera again while the boy placed the mat and the babies where the view would be untroubled by outsiders. The picture taken, she set her camera on a box near by and began to talk with the little ones while AND HIS NEIGHBORS 87 the boy acted as interpreter. When she turned to go her camera had disappeared. She looked inquir ingly around, but the passing stream of sight-seers were unconscious and uninterested in her discom fiture. She ran about here and there among the visitors, but no camera was in sight. Remembering that Ethelbert and Squint had but a few minutes before been looking at some curios in the tea house, she ran that way and met them looking for her. "My camera," she cried, "some one has stolen my camera !" "When?" inquired Ethelbert. "Just now." "Then the thief is not far off," cried Squint. "He had to go this way to get out. Come quick and we'll get him." Squint darted away. They followed as rapidly as they could, but he was soon lost to them far ahead in the crowd. Outside of the village they stood irresolutely, not knowing which way to go. A moment later they saw Squint running back to them like a little racer. They hurried toward him. "Come on," he cried, "I've spotted the thief and hired a boy to shadow him. He's making for the entrance. Come on." Away he went, back after the game. Ethelbert ran after him and Matilda followed as 88 UNCLE JEREMIAH rapidly as she could. When she reached the en trance of the Pike, she found Ethelbert and Squint in excited debate with a middie-aged man whose appearance would not suggest the character of a thief. A Jefferson guard held the camera. "Here she comes," cried Squint. "Here's the owner." Matilda took a look at the camera and from nu merous signs upon it, known only to herself, at once identified it as her own. "Yes, sir, it is mine," she declared emphatically. "Looks dark for you," said the guard to the sus pect. "I'll have to keep this camera and hold you till this matter is settled. Come with me to head quarters." "Very well," the man answered very quietly, if not good-naturedly. "The children are merely mis taken. I think I can easily satisfy the officials on that point and dispose of the unpleasant incident." His ease and frankness staggered his accusers as well as caused the guard to have considerable doubt. "Then prove it to me," said the guard, "and we'll go to no further trouble about it." "Ask him to show his permit," said Ethelbert. "I told you," he said, "that my daughter gave me the camera just outside the Japanese gate to carry home for her. She has the permit." AND HIS NEIGHBORS 89 "I didn't see no darter," said Squint, "an' I spot ted him not twenty steps from the- gate." "Ask him to tell the name of the maker," said Ethelbert. The man readily gave the name. "Ask him how many plates are unused," continued the cross-examiner. He at once named the right number. "Seems to me you're pretty well posted," said the guard. "He looked in. I saw him," said Squint. "Do you know what pictures have been taken in it" asked the guard. "Now we've got him," yelled Squint. "I'm in there on a Campbell and I reckon his darter warn't 'round there takin ; me anywhere." "I can only describe two that my girl took," he unhesitatingly answered. "I wasn't with her when she took" the others." "Come on," said the guard, "we'll soon fix this." The man looked at his watch. "The camera is not worth my time," interrupted the man.- "I've got an important appointment to meet in half an hour and it will take me that long to get there. You keep the camera till I get back in the morning, when I will bring my daughter and prove that it is her property." He began to move off. 90 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Hold on," said the guard. He only quickened his pace. "Stop thief!" yelled Squint, running after him without effect. A clod of dirt before the boy was an irresistible suggestion. He seized the lump and threw it with the precision of abundant practice. It struck the man's hat and knocked it off, when a gust of wind caught it up and whirled it among a group of ob servers, who had stopped at the boy's words. The man did not stop to recover his lost head gear but rushed on out of the gate. Squint got the hat.. "Look at the game I brung down from the scrub timber," he cried exultingly. "Best souvenir on the grounds and didn't cost a cent." "Take your camera," said the guard. "The thief isn't worth chasing." The triumphant trio marched away, Squint, like a conqueror, wearing the derby set ver his own dilapidated cap. The girls were somewhat unnerved by this ad venture and they went along the Plaza of St. Louis to the Louisiana monument, where they sat down to recover themselves. They had become well-used to queer specimens of humanity, but they were consid erably disconcerted in seeing a tall, slender, dilapi- 9i dated man with flowing hair coming up to them. He took a seat directly before them. "Looks like Don Quixote," said Matilda to Struck the Man's Hat, Helena in a low voice. "You remember the story I told you about the man who fought windmills." "You are right," said the odd-looking man, turn ing to them, to the embarrassment and discomfiture of Matilda, who had not thought of his having 92 UNCLE JEREMIAH such keen ears as to hear her words. "I am indeed Don Quixote, and I have had far more adventures here than I ever had in Spain. "Over there," he said, pointing to a restaurant, "I found a fair damsel enclosed within four nar row walls, known as lunch counters, the slave of those sordid creatures who came there for meat and drink. I climbed upon a parapet before the wall, otherwise called a seat by the eaters, and I said, 'Come hither, fair maiden', and presently she heed ed my call. 'Canst thou not come forth from thy prison ?' I asked. She drew back a pace, and I said, 'Fear not, I am thy humble knight, come to help thee to freedom.' 'O, go wan,' she answered me in unseemly words. 'Ye got a wheel in.yer head.' At this uncouth rebuff I saw that she was enchanted, for such cold words could not come from the lips of one so sweet and fair. I was compelled to go sorrowfully away, for I had been deprived of my wand of disenchantment and my sword of libera tion. "Then I came into a region of fierce beasts which they told me was known in that land as an exhibit of furs. There I found another sweet woman cov ered in an enchantment of beastly skins and enclosed in a casement of glass. " 'Sweet one,' I cried, 'if thou wilt but let me be thy gallant knight I will slay these monsters AND HIS NEIGHBORS 93 and fly with you to the ends of the earth where moth doth not corrupt nor thieves break through and steal.' "This called for noble courage and I would have been equal to the great task, but such was the spell over her that she answered never a word, and I could do nothing whatever without her consent. "Then I bethought me that if I could only touch her with the heart's blood of one of those foul mon sters I could loosen her tongue from its bewitchment and have her loving praise. "Forthwith I prepared valiantly to attack one of the great beasts with a sword some knight had left standing unsheathed against the wall. But a vulgar hireling near by caught it from my hand and said, 'Sair, let go ze cane. Eet ees mine.' "In noble tones I explained my purpose to slay the monster and set the maiden free, when he said, 'Ze anameel can do no harm till he digest hees saw dust and by zat time ze owner of ze lady take her to hair home.' "Then I came here sorrowfully to sit and think what I shall do. "But last night," he continued, lowering his voice to a mysterious whisper, "I had the strangest ad venture of all my life." The children's interest in the story overcame their 94 UNCLE JEREMIAH distrust or fear, and they leaned forward closer, not to miss a word. "Caught It From My Hand." "You know it was a dark night and the stroke of twelve liberated me from the bonds of my captors, who held me prisoner over there in that big hotel. I seized my lance and went forth to see what I could AND HIS NEIGHBORS 95 do for honor and chivalry. The hush of deepest darkness enveloped everything, but my vision was keen and I safely passed the sleeping watchmen and pursued my way. I was passing those whitened beings who had been turned to stone, wondering what I could do for them, when suddenly the black air trembled with a solemn, single stroke of the big bell clock. It was a disenchantment. I saw the white figures begin to move. From each plinth, pedestal and base there came greetings to and fro so fine and keen that no mortal ear but mine could hear them. " 'Peace be unto you all,* said one whom I recog nized as Mercury, gliding swiftly by like a streak of white light. "He stopped at the monument before the grand basin and I could see them gathering about him from all directions. "I crept up behind the nearest pillar of the bridge, where I could closely observe them unseen, for I feared if I were discovered they might not recognize me as a knight whose life was consecrated to their cause, and they might thus thoughtlessly make it go hard with me. "I noticed with feelings of relief, however, that this was the liberation time for only those of human form. Sharp-nosed animals might have discovered 96 UNCLE JEREMIAH the presence of a normal human being and my use ful life might have come to an inglorious end. "I noticed that the principal traits* of human be ings still remained with them. "For instance, Diana came late, and still later Bacchus came sauntering leisurely in. "I heard one water-nymph sneeringly say to an other, 'I wouldn't dare to be seen out at such a time as this without a chaperone, would you?' 'No,' replied the other, 'I would not.' It is just such pranks as that which brings her under the suspicion of so many world ladies. She should be more dis creet. "About this time Minerva came lagging in upon the arm of the dying gladiator and I heard one of the nine muses say that she had heard she was dreadful fast. "As all had now arrived, they joined hands and danced around the monument and sang such glorious songs as no mortal ever heard, to such sublime music that no mortal could ever hear. " 'Come to order,' I heard one deep voice say, which I recognized as that of Jupiter. "Instantly all seated themselves around the base of this monument. " 'I am now ready to hear your complaints,' he said. 'Speak quickly, for the time is short.' "Instantly there was such a hubbub that I could AND HIS NEIGHBORS 97 only distinguish a few of the complaints, though Jupiter doubtless understood them all. " 'A drink, a drink,' I could hear Bacchus say over all the rest. 'I sit all day by barrels and bar rels cf drink and never get a drop. When we signed our agreements with the managers it was under stood that I should be near a fountain. They knew I could not draw liquor from those barrels.' " 'I am an angel with wings, but I can not fly,' cried another, whose voice I did not know. 'It is an outrage to give me aspirations and desires with out being allowed to gratify them/ " 'Please make the people keep their hands off of me,' cried Venus. 'The guard tries to do so but he can't, and I am soiled and miserable with the touch and odor of their grease.' "Suddenly the clock struck two, and, for the first time in my life, I was struck dumb with fright. There were streaks of white light in every direction as the statues flew to their places. I was wet to the skin with the splashings of those that jumped into the basin to swim the nearest way across to their pedestals. "I sprang out upon the bridge to get out of the way, when one fell at my feet, tripped by a cruel chain that had been stretched from one of the pil lars. " 'O, sir, please help me back at once/ she cried, 98 UNCLE JEREMIAH in anguish, 'or I can never, never be disenchanted again, and my ankle is dreadfully sprained.' " 'At last, at last,' I cried, 'have I found suffer ing lady for the chivalry of gallant knight. Where, O where is thy pedestal, and I shall hasten to carry you thither,' " 'Alas,' she cried, 'I am the angel of progress, and if I am caught at this escapade, I am indeed undone. I stand at the right entrance of the Elec tricity building.' " 'Thou shalt not,' I cried. 'By the beard of the prophet, thou shalt not be caught. I swear it.' "With that I lifted the lovely creature in my arms and carried her swiftly across the bridge. She be came heavier and heavier as I went, for she was turning back to stone, so that when I came to the pedestal it required such strength to place ker there, that with this done, I fainted. "I was aroused by the brutal toe of a guard. It was broad daylight. I turned to my lady love, as does the flower to the sun, when, what do you think?" Here his low voice grew so hoarse that he could not speak. He shuddered at the memory and closed his eyes. "I hope he hasn't disturbed you, children," said a man in an apologetic voice, as he took Don Quixote by the shoulder and brought him to his feet. "He's 99 100 UNCLE JEREMIAH quite harmless, but he eluded us some way last night and we have been searching for him ever since. He is one of several we have brought from the asylum, thinking the sights' of the fair might do them some good." Nora was the first to come back from the realms of romance. "Well, howly mither of Moses?" she exclaimed; "I wonder phat on earth was the matter with his lady love." "Helena Elenor Evans," she continued, giving the child a push toward the retreating figures. "You run ask him." But Helena's curiosity was not equal to the task and the awful secret was forever lost. Matilda drew a long breath. "So he is crazy," she. said, regretfully. "Well, who would have thought it.?" CHAPTER VII. A FRESH ARRIVAL FROM STUMPBURG. The letters sent homeward from the sightseers produced a profound effect in Stumpburg. The letter of "woonderful" things produced even a profounder effect upon the feelings of August. He felt very certain that a great mistake was made when he did not go along with the crowd, so that Nora could be kept perpetually under -his eye. August's hired man brought Nora's letter home from the postoffice the evening of the next day after it was written. Before he had finished reading it August had made up his mind. "I must see that woonderful fair," he exclaimed, emphatically. "I take the seven o'clock train in the morning and I hunt them oop in the fair grounds or I walk in on the hotel for soorprise 'bout supper time." August was a man of action, and the next evening when the company of sightseers from Stumpburg were gathered in Uncle Jeremiah's room awaiting the call to the evening dinner, there was a knock at the door to which Squint responded by throwing it open, thereby revealing to the astonished inmates the portly form of August. IGi 102 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Howly Mither," cried Nora, aghast at the pros pect. Squint stood on his head to show his delight and amazement. The Portly Form of August. "I had to see the woonderful, very woonderful panoramy," he explained. "I must see the woonder ful guards and policeman and sojers." "When and how did you get here?" inquired Uncle Jeremiah. "A man I know was coming and he brought me AND HIS NEIGHBORS 103 into the fair grounds at noon. Been looking for you half a day." "How did you get out and come here to this hotel?" "That was easy. When I vant to get oudt I shust follow a man around till he vent out, then I vent out, and ask questions till I got to this room." "Where are you going to stay?" "Ain't this house big 'nough?" he inquired in surprise. "But it's full, August. There is not another room to be had," answered Uncle Jeremiah. "However, I know where you can get a room, and, as it is not yet sundown, you would better go there right away and make sure of it. I can give you such plain direc tions that you can't miss it." "Goot," responded August. "I vill go right avay and come back after I get something to eat, so you know I got the room, and come again in the morning at eight o'clock to go altogedder to the fair." Uncle Jeremiah took him to the car, though it was not far, so he could secure his lodging sooner than if he wasted time in walking. August took the car as directed and awaited the approach of the conductor with considerable trepida tion. "Fare?" he asked, as usual, holding out his hand. "O, ya," said August. "You know where I beene. 104 UNCLE JEREMIAH Do you know where I go? I beene to fair. I go nudder place to a room to sleep." "Pay the fare," continued the conductor, more lucidly. "Yah, wohl, one day costet two tollar." "Pay the fare on this car," continued the con ductor, impatiently. "Yer, wohl/' said August, in some distress. "I know not how mooch I go tomorrow. I shust pay like to-day." "Here, give me your nickel for this ride or I will stop the car," answered the exasperated conductor. "O, ya, ya," answered August, diving into his pocket for money, as it began to dawn upon him what was wanted. "How mooch?" "Five cents." "Ya wohl," said August, producing a nickel. "If I geef you this neekel will you take me to seex hundred number on this street ?" "Certainly." "You sthop the car there and let me geet off." "Of course," answered the conductor, taking the nickel. "Just watch the numbers on the houses and you can tell when you get up to your number." August understood this and he began to get ex cited as the numbers approached the one he wanted. Presently the occupants of the car were startled by frantic yells from August. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 105 "Sthop, sthop; we're there." The conductor rang the signal to stop at the next corner, but August didn't understand this. He ran out upon the rear platform and threw his satchel over. His umbrella went next, followed by his lunch basket. "Ach, vas feer ein ferdampte leegner," he yelled as he made a jump and landed on his head in the dirt, bounding over like a rubber toad. The passengers yelled, the conductor gave a vio lent signal and the car came to a sudden stop. "Vy you not sthop me furst, not now?" cried August, running about to pick up his scattered par cels, as he shook his fist at the conductor. That functionary seeing no harm had been done, gave the signal to go ahead, and August was left to profit by his experience. The signs around the number where he was to inquire for a room were bewildering. A big red sign met his gaze on which were the words, "To Rent. Inquire Within." He went in and asked of the first man, "I vant to rent." The office agent took in the situation. "Very well," he replied. "We have a loft two blocks above." "Vot you teenk," answered August in ill humor, after his rough experience. "You teenk I want to leef in barn? I can do dat at home for nuttings.". 116 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Well, we have an unoccupied stairway, two blocks below." He Made a Jump. "Vot, you geef me sthair steps for bed two blocks below? Nein! I cood have brought a sthep ladder shoost as goot." "Well, we have a vacant lot, still further below." AND HIS NEIGHBORS 107 "Ach, himmel! Vot you teenk, I beene ground hog? Nein! I vant von schmall room, von bed, von chair, von veek, seex tollar." "O, now I understand," said the agent. "Come with me and I'll fix you." "You feex me?" August shook his head. "Go on with him, Dutchy," said another, sooth ingly, and August proceeded. In a few minutes he was satisfactorily settled in a room to his entire taste. Dragging a chair up to the window, where he could see out into the street, he lighted his pipe and remarked, "Vat von helle of beeples." The Stumpburg contingent had just finished din ner and come out into the hotel lobby when August arrived to announce that he had eaten and was fixed to sleep. After looking about and over Nora, to see that she was still all there, and making her blush furiously for fear all the hotel could recog nize her country lover, August went outside and found Squint trying to climp a lamp-post. With a tacit understanding that needed no words they start ed off on a walk together to see what they could see. The usual twilight scenes were taking place along the thoroughfares and nothing occurred that inter ested them beyond the humdrum of life until they came to a rather pretentious house in the center of a spacious yard, far enough from the street light to 108 UNCLE, JEREMIAH leave it in comparative darkness, except for the lighted interior which was obscured by closely drawn curtains. A woman's voice could be heard at a high pitch quivering through some extraordi nary variations. "Is it a looneytick?" doubtfully inquired Squint. "Or is it some one hurted?" "Is it a Looneytick?" They paused before the open gate of the low iron fence. The fine-keyed notes came forth again in sounds more like shrieks to the uncultured hearers than any possible kind of voice culture or musical practice. "The hall door is open," said August. "You slip AND HIS NEIGHBORS 109 up there an' peek in. If it's any murther of a vso- mans, shust call for me." Squint slipped quickly into the hall and peeped through the half -open door into the parlor, where a young man had just begun to thump a piano as the woman started in on another run around the vocal ring. In the midst of Squint's survey of the parlor scene a door in the hallway opened directly behind him, throwing over him a flood of light punctured by the hysterical screams of a young lady who had started to cross the hall into the parlor and run into Squint. He sprang out of the door before the screams like a jackrabbit before the yelps of a dog. Out through the gate and beyond August he ran, as if the furies were after him. August was too bewildered to move, and, in a moment the mascu line members of the household had him surrounded. "Here's the thief," shouted the young man who had been pounding the piano, as he seized the un resisting August by the arm. "Some one call the police." By the time August gained control of his tongue a policeman arrived. "Phat's the matter wid ye here?" "This ferdampte bube call me tief," protested August. "He do so vo'nce more alretty und I schlag heem on de kopf mit a brickstein. I am no tief; I peecefool man." 110 UNCLE JEREMIAH "That's not the thief," said a young lady, coming forward. "It was a boy I saw at the umbrella stand in the hall." "You exonerate this Dutchman, do ye?" in quired the policeman. "Yes." "Move on," he said, giving August a shove for ward. August obeyed rapidly, and soon came upon Squint, dodging around a corner two blocks away. "That girl like to a got me," he said, as he sur veyed the surroundings with cautious alertness, "but I didn't want no familiarity. Say, I believe that other one wasn't getting hurted; she was just trying to sing." They regarded this as enough adventure for one evening and were returning homeward when a sonorous voice muffled in some open building met their ears and excited their curiosity. They fol lowed the staccato calls and discovered a lively auction of jewelry taking place in a dingy room back of three big yellow balls hanging over a doorway. "Going, going, gone!" shouted the auctioneer. "It's one of those slight-of-hand trick per formers," said Squint. "Didn't you hear him say going, and then it was gone. I guess he swallowed it." "No," said August; "you see the tree balls. That AND HIS NEIGHBORS 111 means beesness. One for the money, two for the show, tree to make ready and four to go. The fel low that talks so mooch is the one that makes it go." The auctioneer. was making another harangue. "Going at fifty cents," he said; "an article for your lady worth two dollars." "Listen at that," said Squint. "He says your lady is worth two dollars." August stepped inside. The auctioneer nodded pleasantly at him and he returned the salutation. "Gone," cried the auctioneer; "gone for seventy- five cents to the German gentleman at the door." Before August could protest a lady's hat pin was put into his hands and a demand made for the price. He gave up the money. "I've got enough of this blamed town," he said. "I want to go home." As they came on back to the hotel August was walking leisurely along the brilliantly-lighted street with Squint following near, when he saw a pocket- book lying on the edge of the sidewalk. He started forward to inspect it, when a man who was standing in a nearby doorway darted forward, kicked it into the gutter and picked it up from under August's hand. "O, dot's mine," cried August. "I see it furst. "Of you not keek it vay I got it." "It's no go, Dutchy," replied the agile individual. 112 UNCLE JEREMIAH AND HIS NEIGHBORS 113 "I got it and you know possession 1 is nine points of law. You can have the other point. I'll take the cash and you can have the purse." "Hello!" he continued, as he opened it and drew forth a twenty-dollar bill and two silver dollars. "This is a bigger find than I expected. I guess I'll have to be honest with you and divide up. Give me ten and I'll give you the twenty and one of the silver dollars." "Alright," said August, beamingly. "You bees goot man anyhow." August brought forth a handful of bills from his pocket. "Geef me the silver tollar and the twenty tollar." The man handed them over and August started away toward the drug store at the corner. "Here, where are you going?" yelled the man. "Come on," he answered. "I go to geet two teen tollar bills for dese." "But you've already got ten dollars in change," cried the man in alarm. "Vera well," answered August. "I make sure to geef you teen tollar bill. Come on." But the man did not come on. When August looked back for him he had disappeared. "Here, Mister Droogist," he asked, handing over the twenty-dollar bill, "is this goot or bad money?" The druggist looked at it. 114 UNCLE JEREMIAH Drew Forth a Twenty, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 115 "Bad, very bad," he replied. "I one halif taught so," said August. The druggist got a genuine twenty-dollar bill and pointed out the distinguishing marks of the coun terfeit. "There I tear it in feer parts," said August, "and I hef a fine soovneer of one man fool. I hef the silver tollar an' he haf the purse." August went on into the hotel for a final look at Nora before returning to his room. He found Ethelbert on the upper veranda with the three girls, giving them some kind of a lesson on the wonders of astronomy. "The stars look little," he announced, "but every one is many, many times larger than this world. Some of them are millions of times larger." "I don't believe it," said the incredulous Helena. "Why not? What do you know about it?" "I guess I don't know much more about it than you do," she replied, "but I do know that if they were even half as big as you say they would at least keep off the rain." The argument was so bewildering as to be in disputable and the young scientist thought he would try something more mysterious. "Besides that," he continued, "there are, no doubt, people living on some of them, if not all of them." 116 UNCLE JEREMIAH "That's so," corroborated Matilda; "I've always heard that there is a man in the moon." Ethelbert looked disgusted. "That's another wan," replied Nora. "It don't take no hortoscope to show that a man nivver was on the moon, and can't be." "Well, it can be," hotly asserted Ethelbert. "Thin tell me, if ye plase, what the gintleman sits on whin the moon's so new that it's nothin' but jist a little thin strake ?" Ethelbert suddenly departed. "It's time wasted to talk to women," he asserted. "They can't learn anything anyhow." CHAPTER VIII. STUMPBURGIANS BLENDING WITH SAINT LOUISIANS. August appeared promptly on time to join the hotel contingent on the way to the fair. Squint never lost a minute while awake in sightseeing, and was always missing when wanted. As the flying squadron of rural visitors mobilized for their day's excursion. Squint was yet uncollected and Uncle Jeremiah decided to let him learn something about the value of promptness. They went on without him. Presently he appeared at the starting point and dis covered what had happened. But small difficulties like this had no discouragement for him, even though he found that he had spent all his allowance of money but ten cents. He determined to get into the fair somehow, though only five cents remained when he arrived at the gates. This was ingloriously inadequate. He tried two entrances, but no excuse was suf ficient and he resolved to climb over the high en closure, if he could find an unguarded place. This was a considerable feat for any one but a cat or a squirrel. However, Squint had not climbed all the hardest trees about Stumpburg without acquiring 117 118 UNCLE JEREMIAH considerable agility, and, no sooner had he found a secluded spot in the high wall than he addressed himself energetically to the task and was presently on top. One glance around showed that the place was clear of guards, but one of them could be seen coming around a high pile of lumber. There was no way to get down but to jump down and that must be done quickly. Several persons were passing. He let loose and came down with thud enough to break ordinary bones, right in front of an elderly gentle man. The astonished man adjusted his spectacles as Squint arose, limping. "Where on earth did you come from?" he in quired, as if he thought the boy one of the wonders of the fair and had dropped from the clouds. "I came from Indiana," replied Squint. "My gracious," he exclaimed, "what a long fall! But I have learnt since coming here not to be sur prised at anything. Are you hurt?" "No, sir," answered Squint, "I've made that jump so often that I've got used to it." "In heaven's name," continued the old man, looking after Squint as the boy brought his jarred system back into use, "will wonders never cease?" Squint wandered around the Manufactures build ing most of the forenoon, as he understood that his party was to go there first. His quest engaged his attention so that he saw many things in general but \ND HIS NEIGHBORS 120 UNCLE JEREMIAH nothing in particular. He had learned that the chance of meeting- any certain person was too slight and remote to be taken into consideration, never theless he kept sharply on the lookout. Near noon he took a seat on a bench near the great monument and watched the people go by, while he thought how much more pleasant it was to see things along with friends than alone. Presently he was elated to see Uncle Jeremiah coming by. He knew that the others could not be far away. The old man did not see him, but stopped at the bench as if he were weary and would like to sit down. "Have my seat, sir," he said, changing his voice as much as possible. "Thank you, my boy," said Uncle Jeremiah. "When you get to my age I'll be glad to return the favor, provided I may have the chance to do so." "Indade, Uncle Jeremiah," said Nora, coming up. "And where did you find the boy?" "What boy?" asked Uncle Jeremiah, looking di rectly at Squint for the first time. "The Stoompburg haythen that we brung along, for to get acquainted with his brethren from over the says." "Uncle Jeremiah," interrupted Ethelbert, coming up in a burst of enthusiasm, "you know how inter ested I am in Arctic explorations. Well, over in the transportation building I have found a com- AND HIS NEIGHBORS 121 plete exhibition of every thing that has ever had part or interest in. Arctic discoveries. Let's all go over and look it through." "No," protested Squint, vigorously. "I don't want to encourage such things." "Why?" asked Ethelbert, much astonished. "Because," replied Squint, "there is geography enough already. It is hard enough to learn now without finding mores capes and bays and mountains to make it harder.' 1 Uncle Jeremiah began an inquiry as to how the youngster had got into the grounds, in order to read him a lesson on the value of promptness. The only reason the boy could give for not being at hand was the much abused word " 'cause." "That reminds me," said Uncle Jeremiah, "of a rhyme I once knew that just fits such an answer. It is this: 'A big black crow sat on a tree, And cawed and cawed and cawed at me, Said I, "Old crow, you're. not polite, To caw at me. It is not right. Now tell me why you break the laws And act this way ?" He answered, " Caws" So sure as you and I do live This reason is what small boys give, When they are asked just why they do The things they have no business to." 122 UNCLE JEREMIAH By this time the other members of the Stump- burg family had arrived and were ready for a new world to conquer. "What time is it,- August?" inquired Uncle Jere miah. "Don't know." "Look at your watch." "Can't. I feex it on a nail in the cupboard at home." "Why didn't you bring it along?" asked Uncle Jeremiah, in surprise. "Do you think I would tempt Providence by leav ing my lofely watch, costet tane tollar, hang oop on the end of this chain, troo so many peoples as in this town? No." "But you have your chain there, as if you had a watch," persisted Uncle Jeremiah, "and that falsely supposes that you have a watch in your pocket." "So! If I haf a bridle in my hand that falsely supposes that I haf a horse pehind pack; no!" he protested, vigorously, as he unconsciously took out his thick stub pipe and stuck it in his mouth. Before Uncle Jeremiah could reply, a guard stepped up and interposed. "No smoking allowed here," he said. "I'm not schmoking." "You have a pipe in your mouth." August turned on him; it was so much in line AND HIS NEIGHBORS 123 with his controversy with Uncle Jeremiah. He saw a chance to annihilate two antagonists at one blow. "So! I haf, you see, my feet in my shoes. Do you tink I am valking. No! Yes! You tink I am valking? Ha, ha!" The guard walked away and Uncle Jeremiah gave it up. "Ach, der dumme yunge!" exclaimed August, in emphasis to his solar-plexus blow, as he looked after the guard. "So many peeples tink with the same fool head." "If no one will tell me the time," said Uncle Jeremiah, returning to his muttons after his doubt ful controversy, "then I will see for myself." "Time," said he, "according to my watch, is rac ing toward one o'clock. You all look tired. We must eat. So, whoever knows the way to a restaur ant, kindly lead on." Squint was posted on these features of the grounds and soon led them to one whose display was very promising. The Stumpburg party was thoroughly tired and hungry. As Ethelbert entered, a solemn looking old gentleman was passing to a table near the wall,, when his hat careened to one side. He made a frantic clutching after it, but the breeze was too quick and hat and wig left his bald pate shining like a fresh young turnip. Ethelbert laughed heartily at the ludicrous dis- 124 UNCLE JEREMIAH comfiture of the gloomy gtntleman, but suddenly he came within range of the singing electric fan, and his own new straw hat left its moorings too sud denly to be caught, struck a man on the nose at the nearest table and fell, crown downward, into his Left His Bald Pate Shining. oyster soup. Ethelbert rescued his hat, with due apologies to the injured eater, and the party sat down in no pleasant humor. In fact, the second glance deepened the gloom, for the place was far from being reassuring as to quality of food. August made "the first growl. A waiter thrust a bill of fare into bis hand. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 125 "Meester, I come here to eat. I don't vant to read." "This is not a newspaper," replied the waiter. "It's a bill of fare." Into His Soup. "I need no build a fire," August protested. "I am hungrig. I vant to eat. Where is your vittels?" The waiter called off a very scanty list of food. 126 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Is that all you've got to eat," asked Uncle Jere miah. "You've not got to eat it," replied the waiter. " Thank goodness, I don't eat here. I work here." Meanwhile the soup was brought in and each one tasted it. "This is not soup," asserted Nora. "It's only wather boiled down enough to give it a taste." "Say, waiter," asked Uncle Jeremiah, "can we escape from here by paying for the soup ?" "Certainly," said the waiter. Uncle Jeremiah led the disgruntled band to the cashier's desk, where the required amount was paid. "You couldn't tell us where we can find a restaur ant, can you ?" asked Ethelbert. "Yes, sir," promptly replied the young lady. "There is one just beyond the next building." They hurried on as directed and found a place as elegantly equipped and as fastidious in its service as the other was poor and uncouth. They were soon comfortably seated and Uncle Jeremiah was studying the card to order for them all. "It will cost double as much to eat here as at the other place," he said, "but I guess it is worth it and we need the food." "Why does it cost so much?" inquired August. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 127 "Look at the pictures, the music, the fine table ware and the style," said Ethelbert. "That costs money." "Then I eat blindfolded," replied August. "I don't pay for my eyes, only when I go to a show." Squint ate so rapidly from the little dishes al lotted to his share that Uncle Jeremiah thought best to reprove him. "But there's not much here," he protested, "and I want to finish my dinner before it is all gone." Uncle Jeremiah thought it unjust to interrupt him if he felt that way about it. However costly the food, Nora plainly did not relish it. "What's the matter, Nora?" asked Uncle Jere miah. "Is there anything else I can get for you?" "O, I'd so much rather have something nice and tasty," she replied, "like canned corn or fried liver." Uncle Jeremiah called the waiter and gave her order. "Tell 'em just to dump it together on my plate," she asked. "These fringes and frills and little dishes take out all the taste." "Ach himmeir sighed August. "I tink I vill eat myself to dead, when I get home. It vill taste so goot to eat things natural where it don't cost nod- dings." 128 UNCLE JEREMIAH Meanwhile, Ethelbert had opened up conversation with a young man near him who was boasting that he had a fine job on the grounds and ate three meals a day at this place, on which account it cost him twenty dollars a week merely for table board, not to speak of other expenses. August had been listening attentively. "I vould not do it," he interrupted. It is not vort it. No, no, it is not vort it. It is not vort twenty tollar a veek for any pody to live. My forty hog, my fife horse and my ten cow with the pig Durham pull, all not cost so much, and they are vort somedings." A commotion in the room caused them to look around, when they saw a man coming from a back room with three Patagonians, whom he had been introducing to a private American feast. As they came by, the Patagonians began to talk together in voices that sounded like a distant pheas ant thrumming his morning call. "What strange sounds these Patagonians make and call it language," said Uncle Jeremiah. "But even the most cultured languages have unaccount able peculiarities. Look at our own absurd spell ings and pronunciations. They say you can't kick a man in French. You just hand out a blow with your foot, and they can't boast in German except in words borrowed from the French. They say the AND HIS NEIGHBORS 129 Portuguese never wink. They just open and close their eyes." "That's nowhere as interesting," declared Ethel bert, "as the way the Patagonians churn butter. They put the cream in a leather bag, tie a hundred foot rope to it and attach the other end to a surcingle fastened about a horse. Then the rider gets on and starts on a circular run around the prairie for about three miles. That bag pounds the ground in all directions until they arrive at the starting point, when the bag is opened and a ball of butter is taken out." "That is not as easy a plan as a traveler told me about the Pueblos of New Mexico," said Uncle Jeremiah. "He told me that there they just fill a large basin nearly to the top with milk and then throw in a big bull-frog. He kicks and kicks until there is a ball of butter large enough for him to jump from over to the ground and the churning is done." Ethelbert hastened to change the subject. "Can any of you tell me?" he inquired, "why that Turkish church house over there is called a Mosque?" "Of course," replied Matilda. "It is because they were invented in Moscow." "O, you women!" exclaimed Ethelbert. "It's no wonder you drive men to drink." "They haven't driven the sultan to drink yet," AND HIS NEIGHBORS 131 spiritedly replied Matilda. "He's a total abstainer, and he has several hundred wives." "Yes," replied Ethelbert, "and I predict that he will die if he doesn't take to drink. For that very Reason he has long been known as the sick man of Europe." "I think we have now seen enough of the fair in general," interrupted Uncle Jeremiah, "and I think it is better for us to begin to see it more in par ticular. Let us now go systematically on a plan. Suppose we begin by going in at the northwest side of the govrnment building, then out through the Fisheries exhibit, after which we will weave back and forth to the west through the big so-called palaces. We need not stop to talk, but all can take notes and we can talk over things of evenings." A large crowd of people was passing along the sunken garden and they hurried into the Olympian way toward the side entrance of the government exhibits. As they turned south, their attention was attracted to August, who was a considerable distance ahead of them. He was talking very excitedly to a modest-looking young woman. Uncle Jeremiah went over to them. "What's the matter here?" "He accuses me, sir, of taking his pocketbook," she said plaintively, looking up into Uncle Jere- 132 UNCLE JEREMIAH miah's face, so pathetically and innocently that he was won over at once. "What do you mean, August, by insulting this lady so?" he said, severely. "When did you lose your money?" "It's not losted, sir, it's found," said Squint, com ing from among a group who were gathering, curi ously, if not indignantly, about the two disput ants. "Where is it, then?" angrily inquired Uncle Jere miah. "It's shameful to subject this lady to such suspicion. She's innocent as a babe. You can see it in her countenance." "It's not in her countenance; it's in her stocking," proclaimed the irrepressible young sleuth. "I saw her making the motions after August yelled that he had been robbed." A guard suddenly appeared in the midst of the rapidly gathering and excited crowd. "What's the trouble?" "The lady haf my pocketbook in the leg of her socks," he sputtered. "It haf twenty silver tollars, five hafs, seven kvarters, und four neekles wound up in ten fife toller pills." The crowd roared with laughter. "We'll settle that in a few minutes," said the guard. "You and the woman come with me to a place where she can be searched ." AND HIS NEIGHBORS 133 They started off but had not gone far when Squint gave a yell. The guard stopped and turned around. "Look at it," he cried. "Look there on the ground. It's dropped out." August made a dive for his pocketbook. "Is that yours?" inquired the guard. "Ya, ya, ya," he cried, excitedly. "Look at the money, as I tole you. I prove it py Uncle Jeremiah, py Squint, py Nora, py " "Well, I reckon that's enough," he interrupted. "Here, you boy, did you see her drop it?" con tinued the guard. "See her drop it," repeated Squint, rather startled. "D'ye tink I was standin' on my head rubber- neckin'?" The crowd yelled. "There now," said the guard, "you folks run away and I'll have this lady sent out of town." He went on with the young woman and Uncle Jeremiah felt that his confidence in modest innocence had been sadly misplaced. 134 UNCLE JEREMIAH CHAPTER IX. A GOVERNMENT KINDERGARTEN FOR ADULTS. Grown-up people are like children. They can get calmness after an exciting event much sooner if their minds can be turned upon other things. As the Stumpburg people came up before the entrance of the government building, Uncle Jeremiah saw a chance to set them thinking in another direction. They saw a woman, withered, wrinkled and de crepit, being wheeled from the building in a chair. Uncle Jeremiah called the attention of his group to her. A bystander said that she was ninety-five years old, but that she took a lively interest in all the sights of the fair. She was so shriveled as to be a wretched sight to young eyes, but venerable to those old enough to appreciate her length of life. "Uncle Jeremiah," said Helena, "will I ever be that old?" "Yes, my child," he replied, "you may be if you are good and take proper care of your health." "O, me! O, my!" she exclaimed to Matilda; "it must be awful to be good and to take care of one's health." Matilda was too shocked to reply. 135 136 UNCLE JEREMIAH "How olt air you, Nora?" asked August, as if this had suggested an interesting question to him. "I do be twenty-four," she replied; "I was born in 1880." Being Wheeled from the Building. "Ach!" exclaimed August, "now I haf you. More as five yeer ago you said you was born in 1880, and last Christmas you said you was twenty- four. Now it is close to fort July, 1904, and you say the same ting yet alretty." 137 "Of course I said ! was twenty-four," she answered ; " do you think I am a person who would say wan thing wan toime and another another toime? Do you think I was borrun before my toime or after? I do not carry my age in my pocket to change it like a dollar." With such a mathematical and ethical problem working in his head so lately disturbed by the woman pickpocket, August followed on in rather a dazed condition. The government building was a place of excep tional mystery and interest, and the observer must always be amazed at the thoroughness and extensive- ness of investigations made in the interest of the people. Models perfected to the latest scientific utility are arranged to make full and clear, even to the most unlearned farmer, the best means of suc cessful industry. The national museum, the Smith sonian Institution for the diffusion of knowledge, and the various bureaus in Washington city, have ex hibits and working models of the widest and most practical educational value. "Look at the wagon," cried Squint, enthusi astically. As the Stumpburg crowd stopped at his call, he read, "This wagon was used from 1861 to 1863 in the Army of the Potomac, when it was sent to Nash ville, whence it went 4,160 miles through the cam- 138 UNCLE JEREMIAH paigns and marches of General Sherman's army, having seen service four years and nine months." "It has a pretty good soldiering record," re marked Uncle Jeremiah, "and it is no wonder they have retired it in its old age to the comfortable existence of a relic in the museum." "Really, does it get a pension?" inquired Squint. An exclamation from August brought the re sponsive group of nervous curiosity seekers over to him. He stood speechless in view of two remark able objects. "Look once," he said, as they gathered around him. "They have fixed the show of a fight between a whale and a battleship. They are going gerade at each other." "Ach du leeber Augustine!" exclaimed Nora, in mockery. "The great baste of the say is only par alyzed like you at looking for the furst toime upon the front ind of the navy plowing through painted wather." They went into the cut-off end of the ship and looked at the wax officers and men that were in charge of the apartments. "How lovely," exclaimed Nora, rapturously, "to t have a wax man. He wouldn't go fussing around upsetting calculations, or furniture, and getting ex cited about the kitchen and the children." As they came down the stairway from the upper AND HIS NEIGHBORS 139 deck they discovered that Matilda was missing, and the flock flew away in search of her. They found her standing entranced before a pavilion of army officers and men set up to show the various styles of uniforms. Just then there appeared a more thrill ing scene in real life. A score of men came by Entranced. more gorgeously arrayed in golden-laden garments than Uncle Sam ever dared to put upon even his greatest generals. "Look," cried Ethelbert. "It's some foreign court of princes, sure. They're Germans, so they must be from the emperor's palace in Berlin." "Huh!" exclaimed Squint, in disgust. "It's 140 UNCLE JEREMIAH a brass band. I saw them awhile ago playing tunes down there in the bandstand." The grand princes became commoners at once and the youths turned away to more attractive objects. At the far end of the building August became lost in absorbing interest among the farm exhibits and Nora ran into the cases containing models of im mensely magnified insects that were under investi gation by the government. "Holy horrors!" she cried; "come here and look at the ticks two whole spans long. Here's yellow fever mosquitos bigger than my foot. No wonder the poor sojers died in Cuba. It was enough to scare them to death." Uncle Jeremiah called them to see the ribbon fish that lived three miles deep in the sea, and was so light that it took a dozen yards of them to weigh a pound. "Since we are so near the special fishery exhibit," said Uncle Jeremiah, "let us go on over there and come back through the government building to finish it up." This appeared desirable in the saving of steps and they went in to see what the United States could show in its fishing industries. A splashing of water in the central pool with the excited attention of by standers caused them to run over in time to see the keeper feeding fish to the seals. He threw the live AND HIS NEIGHBORS 141 fish here and there, and, as if knowing their fate, they darted away the moment they struck the water. But the hungry seals were quicker. They caught the fish in their mouths, and, with powerful strokes of their claws, tore them to pieces and swallowed Yellow Fever Mosquitoes. the bits. Even though they were fish being thus torn to pieces alive, it was not a very humane sight and the visitors went on to the galleries where they could look face to face with all the peculiar animals of the great deep. "Look at the sting- ray," cried Nora, "how he 142 UNCLE JEREMIAH shakes his blanket to swim. Sure and there's one fish that thinks he's a burrid." Down from the rocks back of the tank came crawl ing all the hideous saucy monsters one could ever see even in the most fearful dreams, and it was with a sigh of relief that they passed on to see the beautiful, graceful swimmers of fresh water streams. After looking over the almost endless appliances of fish hatcheries, fish growth, fish catching arid fish preserving for the markets they went on back through the government building past the middle entrance to the part they had not yet seen. The white-robed figures of the medical department caught their attention and they hurried over to see what it all meant. "These are hospital appliances," explained Uncle Jeremiah. "I know," said Squint. "This is where they put people who ketch sickness from a felly named Mike Robe. "Sure, he's no Irishman," quickly, if not resent fully, asserted Nora, "or he would have an O be- fure his name." "His family has only recently been discovered/'" said Ethelbert. "They have been unknown from Adam to the present time." "What a foine joke they have had laughing at their own concalement," she scornfully replied. (AND HIS NEIGHBORS 143 "Even now," replied Ethelbert, "I know lots of people who would give all they have if they could only see Mike." "You needn't mane to say that I am one of thim," ; returned Nora. "Such folks all live in the blind asylums." "But there is one great Irishman here that I'd loike to see," continued Nora, "though he may after all be playing a bagpoipe. I see his name painted up on lots of the buildings." "Who is that?" inquired EtHelbert. "I don't," replied Nora, "but his name is McMiv. Whin we go back home, if you will look up on the Wabash depot, you can see that he is give great honors." "McMiv," musingly repeated Ethelbert, much puzzled. Then a light dawned on him and he laughed loud and long. "And what is funny about my friend McMiv?" said Nora, in an injured tone. "McMiv," he replied, "is the Roman numerals for 1904. McM is 1900 and iv is 4." "Then he's all right, if he is a Roman numeral," she replied, "for his father must have come of a foine old Irish family." Nora was hopeless in such a discussion and Ethel bert let her have it her own way. Just then two young men and a woman, obviously 144 UNCLE JEREMIAH brothers and sister, came by. Their height was more than a head above the average persons around them. "Look at that tall family," said Matilda. "They "A Good Auld Irish Name." must be noted enough for their longevity to be in a show." Ethelbert laughed. '"You'd better go read your dictionary. Longevity means long living." "What's the difference?" said Nora. "Ain't long living and living long about the same? I'd rather AND HIS NEIGHBORS 145 know how to prevent the appearance of ould age than to do either." "That's easy," said Squint. "Earn your living as the glass-eater in a show. I heard one of them say it was the quickest way to prevent long life of any he knew, except sleeping on a railroad track." The display of lighthouses distracted their atten tion and Nora said that they were well named for such spindling things couldn't be very heavy, and she thought the people who lived in the glass houses shouldn't throw any stones. The Stumpburg visitors were well scattered when they were called about a glass case at the far end of the building in the postoffice exhibit, by the admir ing call of Helena. "Here is Owney, the postal clerks' dog," she said. "Father told me about him and here he is all stuffed to look at, covered all over with medals and trunk checks, that he got on his travels." Owney had, indeed, made a name for himself, and now that his travels were over, he would henceforth be on exhibit to show what a dog can do, and what sentiment the postal clerks cherish toward him. As he was there at government expense, it showed that even the government has sentiment. When they had passed out of the front entrance of the building, Uncle Jeremiah read the dedicatory statement over th "Phat's that?" inquired Nora. She was usually from ten to fifty per cent more Irish during any sharp surprise than either just previous to taking or after. So, we record that she said, "Phat's that?" "That, my dear uncultured friend," replied Ethel bert, "means the spittoons of the Vanderbilts, As- tors, Morgans, Rockefellers, and Rothschilds, the pampered rich of modern commercialism." "So they spit in them," said Nora, in disgust. " No woonder they get bad stomachs and bald heads indulging such extravagant tastes." They were interrupted by several Turks coming by in animated explosions of conversation. "Do they really call that sputtering a language?" asked Nora, in prospective disgust at the lingual 210 UNCLE JEREMIAH classifications of scholars and the schools. "I won der how it ever got mistook for speech." Ethelbert thought it his duty to inform her, and most anything was supposed to pass as information with her. "Haven't you heard of the tower of Babel, where all these languages were made?" he asked. "Of the many different ways by which the various lan guages got started the origin of Turkish is the most singular. At the moment when the change of languages took place, a man was lying asleep on his back under a scaffold with him mouth open. A man above him with a bucket of mortar was so shocked at not understanding his own voice that he upset the bucket of mortar and it poured straight down into the sleeping man's mouth. It of course awakened him and what he arose and said to the man above was Turkish. You understand that the fellow with the mortar found himself talking Irish." "I suppose that is a tale handed down from your famous forefather," she replied, "for I nivver read of it in any cyclopedia, but I would not give it away in the story that he was such a lazy hod-carrier." Matilda called them over to an exhibit labeled, "Relics' of the Dark Ages." "What does that mean?" she inquired. "I guess it must a been the toime whin all the white people was naygers," suggested Nora. "Or, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 211 maybe the sun kept setting and couldn't make the turn to rise." Ethelbert laughed sarcastically. "You ignorants!" he exclaimed. "That was the time when no one washed for a thousand years." "O my, O me!" exclaimed Helena rapturously. What He Said -was Turkish. "Just think how' long people live when they don't have to take baths." The flock was scattered for quite awhile, when it was suddenly brought together at a sharp squeal and vigorous beckoning from Helena. She was slanding entranced before a doll bazar. It was i::deed a fairy-land for children. Here was the only ; .ace in the exposition where Helena took notes, 212 UNCLE JEREMIAH though Matilda had to do it for her. This matter of such special interest to her was the laws, rules and regulations pertaining to dolls, a kind of moral ethics for the proper conduct of make-believe babies. The following are a few of the musts and dont's : "A china doll mustn't hit its head against its mother for fear of making her cry. "Wooden dolls must keep away from the place where the rocking part of a chair curls up from the floor. "Wax dolls must carefully avoid all closeness to fires, as fires have a bad effect on their complexions. "An old cracked doll with a sweet smile and lively eyes is more blessed in the love of the little mothers than one with sour face and a glassy stare. "Don't lie around on the floor to be cuffed by the cat, worried by the dog, and walked on by the giants. "Don't tousle up your hair by sliding off of chairs on to your head, for one of the little mothers will try the comb on you and off goes your scalp. "Don't be a coquette, for your admirers may fight over you and pull you to pieces. "Don't be jealous, for you are neither a mind- reader nor a hypnotizer, so you can't help what happens. "Don't think of suicide if you are cast aside for another favorite. This world is naturally incon- AND HIS NEIGHBORS 213 stant and fickle, but you do not know when the stork may bring another little mother into the house who will think you are the best thing that ever was." Helena was very much pleased with her share in Matilda's note book. "I am sure that it is heathens that make all the dolls," she said, when she read through, with the help of Matilda, the directions given for the conduct of her numerous make-believe household. "Why do you think the doll-makers are all heath ens?" Matilda asked the child. "Well, I have never seen any that can stand on their knees. I have to lay mine always on their stomachs when they say their prayers." Helena was much attracted by a winking, laugh ing, walking doll exhibited in one of the booths. She carried nine cents in her pocketbook, but the doll was marked three dollars. She resolved all kinds of schemes'in her mind for its possession, and there appeared no way to get the required money except by taking up a collection. She undertook this task privately, reserving Uncle Jeremiah for the last. In due time his turn came. "Uncle Jeremiah," she said, "I've been taking up a subscription to donate me the beautifulest doll you ever saw, It's just like a baby for real." 214 UNCLE JEREMIAH "How much does it cost?" asked Uncle Jere miah. "Three dollars." "How much have you succeeded in collecting?" "O, I've got nearly enough," she replied. "All I need from you is two dollars and eighty-six cents." Such an appeal was irresistible, and Uncle Jere miah completed the fund. She was soon the owner of the wonderful doll, and there was very little in the exposition of any interest to her during the rest of the day. Uncle Jeremiah was strolling along through the building near where they were to meet at going- home time, when he discovered that not one of his proteges was in sight, and so the hour remaining could be spent according to his own fancy. An exhibit of books attracted his attention. He was reading over some titles when an alert attendant came up. "Are you interested in books?" he inquired. "O, some'at," was Uncle Jeremiah's evasive re ply. "Down in Stumpburg, Hooppole township, Posey county, we think more of hogs than books." "Why, that interests me," warmly replied the young man. "I was born at Harmony, down on the Wabash, and I'm going to make my headquar ters at Cynthian next winter. I'm glad to know you AND HIS NEIGHBORS , 215 Come in and have a cigar. We can't smoke here, of course, but it will be all right in the evening." Uncle Jeremiah was tired, and the chair by the desk was comforting. He accepted the new-found hospitality. "By the way," the book man began insinuatingly, "I would like to be appreciated a little down in your section when I come to live there this coming fall, and I believe I have something very acceptable that I can send to your family." Uncle Jeremiah began to suspect something and he wanted to find out what it was that he suspected. He let the young man do the talking as the surest way. "A big Bible manufacturing company in the East failed last month," he continued, "and threw onto our hands a hundred Bibles of such superb make as to retail at fifty dollars each. By a little hocus^ pocus, I can get one down to your family for ten dollars, transportation prepaid. Just to show you what it is, look at this. It's too heavy to lift, so step over here and see the costliest single book ever put into print." "No one can sit in the chair of commercial hos pitality without paying for it," muttered Uncle Jere miah, as he obeyed the summons. The young man made an eloquent display of the 216 UNCLE JEREMIAH volume and then called a meek-looking assistant over to them. "Take this gentleman's address," he ordered, "and send him this identical book so it will arrive at his house ahead of him as a kind of welcome home." "You are making just forty dollars," he added, "By the Way," the Book Man Began. "as my remembrance to your family, and you can either pay me now or sign this memorandum, which I will present to you when I move down into your country in the Fall." Uncle Jeremiah had seen swindles before, and this was not novel enough to be interesting. He looked at his watch. "Well, I guess I'd better be AND HIS NEIGHBORS 217 going," he said. "Much obleeged to you, but I am acquainted with the manager and owner of the company. He was down this Spring in our country and he sold a few of them fifty-dollar Bibles at eighty per cent discount just to keep his hand in. and for friendship's sake. Our home book store man has costlier ones that he sells for three dollars. You can't beat us on prices, but I don't mind telling the managing officer over these exhibits what a bar gain you have in Bibles for us countrymen, and he may be 'round to-morrow." Something happened, for, the next day when Uncle Jeremiah came by this exhibit, the liberal young man was gone, and the costly Bible had also disappeared. August had become tired of the Palace of Liberal Arts in the latter part of the afternoon, and so wan dered from one place to another till he came into the Electricity building. Here he came jup to a special pavilion of whizzing dynamos, where he was confronted by a sign in his way which read : "KEEP OUT THIS MEANS YOU." It was no bar to his progress. "Didn't you observe the sign?" inquired an at tendant. 218 UNCLE JEREMIAH "No, sir," he replied, "but I saw it." "Then you can't read." . "Yes, sir, I can," August replied. "The sign says it means you. That lets me in. But if you don't want me in here, I will go out or I vill get somepody vat vill go out. Only I want won ques tion asked, Wat is this ting?" The attendant surveyed him critically. "I see you are a farmer, so I will answer you in the language of the farm. Maybe you can under stand it then, and ask no more questions. This is a plant." "Wat tings do it raise on the plant?" "Currents." "How mooch a gallon do you sell?" "We sell by the shocks." "O, you tink you are so cute." "Yes, my bucolic friend, and it will be electro cute, if you wander around here alone, so you had better shoot before I plant the currents into your system in such a quantity of shocks that even the patrol wagon can't convey your remains to the morgue." August vanished as rapidly as his legs could con vey him away. Presently the Stumpburg flock came up to Uncle Jeremiah and swept him around the sunken garden into the mines building. An exhibit of silver ore AND HIS NEIGHBORS 219 with some silver bullion covered by silver coins of different nations caught Nora's wondering at tention. "How on earth did they ever get the silver out of them rocks?" she inquired. "Don't you know that?" replied Ethelbert. "Ev ery ten-year-old ought to know that. They smelt it out." "Well, you can't smelt anything out of that joke," returned Nora. "You might as well tell me that they eat it out for the taste." "O, come on," said Helena, "let's look at the big bones. My eyes get winky looking at the theo logical specimens." She went away from the geological exhibit in mineralogy much out of sorts, but presently re turned even more so. "What's the trouble?" asked Uncle Jeremiah. She pointed out a man against whom she cast indig nant glances. "That man asKed me how old I am. I said eight. He said, 'May you have many such periodical aches, with long ears of prosperity." Just then she spied a little girl who. had been next to her at the breakfast table that morning. They began playing hide-and-seek as an entertain ment much superior to World's Fair sight-seeing. Some of the child's brothers and sisters came up 220 UNCLE JEREMIAH from unseen places and joined in the play. Nora and the children's mother were thus brought to gether. Nora asked how many children she had, as they began to accumulate and swell the hide-and- seek party. "A pretty fair-sized bunch to take care of in a place like this," answered the woman. "I have five sons under ten years of age, and each of them has three sisters." "Lor!" gasped Nora, incredulously. "What a family!" She hastened after Helena and got her away be fore there was danger of her being lost in the fam ily crowd. "Helena, what does this belong to?" asked Uncle Jeremiah, pointing to a piece of gold ore. "To the mineral kingdom," she promptly replied. "And this?" pointing to a rose. "To the vegetable kingdom." "And what do you belong to ?" "We've not got any king in this country," she replied, "so I belong to the kingdom of heaven." "Very good," replied Uncle Jeremiah. "Be sure that you live loyal to your kingdom." On their return to the hotel that afternoon, they found that August could be accommodated with a room there and he at once moved over. Everything was therefore harmonious and lovely until .August AND HIS NEIGHBORS 221 was given the check for his evening meal. He felt in his pockets as if he had forgotten something, but could find no money. "What is the matter?" asked Uncle Jeremiah. "I gave my money to the hotel clerk," he an swered. "Why?" "Don't you see the sign at the counter?" returned August, in self-detense. "It says, 'Not responsible for valuables unless left in the office with the clerk.' My money is valuables, ain't it? Besides, the hotel is more able to stand the loss than I am." Uncle Jeremiah laughed. "I see, August, that you are turning Irish." August was not altogether certain. "Is there any danger?" he inquired. "None if the hotel does not go bankrupt." August left the table and went to the clerk. "I wish tny money," he said. The clerk tool$. out his package. "O, you haf it, I see. Well, if you haf it, I don't want it. Only, if you don't haf it, I want it. Yet, berhsps I petter haf five dollar." The clerk took cut a five dollar bill and gave it to him. August went away, fully satisfied. The young folks took seats together in one of the parlor windows. 222 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Mercy me, I am so tired," exclaimed Matilda. "This fair is too big." "Huh !" said Ethelbert. "You ought to be thank ful that you don't have to walk over it at night." "What's the difference?" she asked. "It's bigger at night." "How can that be?" "Dead easy," he answered. "Because then every foot is an acher." CHAPTER XIV. BUCOLIC ESTIMATES OF THE OPERATIC ART. The rural visitors thought that they could not spend at most more than two or three additional days st the Fair, and they were lamenting this fact as they were completing their evening meal. As time was short, it must be economized to be well spent, and their plans were accordingly made. A slight commotion caused them to look around. "Sure an' it's Uncle Jerry and the kids at the table thar, I come to see," said a familiar voice back of them, as an attendant escorted a sun browned farmer to them. "Look at 'im, look at 'im," cried Nora. "It's me father, an' who'd a thought it." "Sure enough, I couldn't stay away when Aug ust's mother brought over to us that woonderful letter of Nora," he said, taking a chair at the table. "Meester Bramrrfe come oop an' I just got in the same sate of the car and here I am. We have been seeing the Fair this avening together. Sure it's a woonderful place. I promised the auld woman that I'd get Nora to write her so she would know I got here with all me bones." "But I'm going right away after eating to the 223 224 UNCLE JEREMIAH Pike, with August," said Nora, "to see the illoomin- ation, and then we're coming back to the opery." "O, ye air?" he said, "an' phat's the Poike? Seems I heeard of the baste afore. I caught wan wanst meeself with a hook back in the auld coun- " Sure an' It's Uncle ferry and fhe Kids!" try. But who'll write me letter to yer mither, Nora?" "I'll write your letter," interrupted Ethelbert. "Then Matilda and I are going to the opera." "Good b'y ye air," he replied. "But the opery. O, yes, I heerd o' that thing too. I want to go lang wid ye." AND HIS NEIGHBORS 225 "All right," laughed Ethelbert. "We can have the pleasure of your criticism on grand opera." After the meal was finished Ethelbert led the way to the room supplied for those who wrote letters, "Now, what shall I say?" "Dear Meeses O'Hara : "Nora is right, it is a woonderful fair, an' I'll try to bring some of it to ye. Ethelbert is writing this for me and he can say the rist, after I have finished it." This suggestion put the mischief into the young man's head and a mighty thought struck him as to what he would include. Mr. O'Hara was a pros perous farmer, but he never spent a cent when he could get along without it, and there were many things that Mrs. O'Hara sadly needed at the village store which she could never get. "I will come home with the party," he continued to dictate, "an' whin I am home I will tell you what Nora has forgot." "There," he said to Ethelbert, "I have said it all an' ye can wind it oop in fashion." With that he went off to hunt up Uncle Jeremiah. Ethelbert continued the letter : "I do be seein' sich sights as no mortal crayture iver laid two eyes on befure. It softens my heart and I think of you with the old calico dress. Go at once an' buy a linsey woolsey an' all the rest 226 UNCLE JEREMIAH to yer heart's content. Ye nade a new churn, an' throw the old cook stove out in the yard and have a new wan cookin' on when I come back hungry for a good supper. Slapin' on sich foine beds here, I can endure the old wan no longer, and I want ye to have the best in the sture ready for me to slape on whin I come home tired out with tramin' over the sights an' loaded with the great larnin' of this woonderful exposition. Now don't 1 you miss what I. say or there'll be trouble when I come home so tired and hungry and stuck up wid the woonderful fair. "Your loving husband, "PATRICK O'HARA." Ethelbert hurried the letter to the mail box and then returned to get ready for the opera. Patrick being so much older than the children, he felt that he must lead the way, and when he ar rived at the entrance of the theatre he inquired of a bystander: "An' is this the place where we loolc at the woonderful opery?" "Well, it's not as wonderful as some operas," was the reply, "but you can get a look for the money." "Can we buy a look for iny rasenable sum?" "Cert! It's a stand up for a dollar apiece. Or, you can sit with the bald heads in the front row for two, or you can take a chair in a box for three." "Then I'll stand oop with the crowd," asserted AND HIS NEIGHBORS 227 Patrick. "I'm no baldhead yet, an' I want no chair in a box." Ethelbert went to the office window and bought three seats in the balcony. The old man was the most attentive of spec tators and asked more questions than either of his companions were able to answer, though they were well posted on dramatic terms. "What do you think of it, Pat?" inquired Ethel bert, when they were all gathered together in Uncle Jeremiah's room to discuss the show. "I understand grand opery now," he assured them. "My old woman has been a preemy douny for years an' I didn't know it. Her high notes have brung the cows fer a mile. I have been a dramatic tenor all the time, fer I can yell the horses out of the Corn field or the back pasture frum the yard fence. I can sing a soothing syrup chant to the calves that puts thim to slape while I crop their ears, but I don't sing no song at the bull till I'm safe through the gate. Beats^ll how them actors and actoresses can't spake without singin'. It's just loike my hired man; he can't stop whistlin' 'cept when he eats and slapes. So they sings fightin' or lovin' or workin' or thinkin'. Tut, tut. I don't believe it." "I can't say but I somewhat agree with Neigh bor O'Hara," said Uncle Jeremiah. "It all seems so unnatural. The Italian screams, the German 228 UNCLE JEREMIAH moans, the Frenchman shrugs, the Englishman bel lows and the American warwhoops. When I want to see acting I'd rather go to a real play; when I want to hear music I'd rather go to a real concert ; when I want to hear singing I rather be with a few congenial persons in someone's home, where we can hear real songs of genuine sentiment." "I have my nerves under good control," continued Uncle Jeremiah, "but the enthusiasts around me were a bigger show than the one in front. There was a wild German in front of me who must have had the artistic temperament of a jackass. 'Ach der schweineri,' he said, over and over, to his group of friends. 'Ve haf been schwindled alretty. Zwei tollar I pay to hear de French horn and it is all so mooch as a sexteenth note out of tune. Donnervetter ! Listen! Vill it effer coom back. O, no, no, no! It go on. It go on foreffer. I must hold my ears and see noddings, or I go mad ! I vill go mad !' Then August varied the monotony by getting excited. 'Ach himmel!' he said, as he caught sight of the trombone player, 'look at that feller running that thing down his throat and out again.' Some people got up and yelled to bring the singers back and Nora got excited. 'O, murther,' she said, 'how insulting they are to the poor people who have done their best. They are making them do it all over AND HIS NEIGHBORS 229 again.' I was sorry my seat was not near Matilda. I wonder how she enjoyed it all." "Matilda had a miserable time," replied Ethel- " Out of Tune! bert before she could answer. "It was awfully pain ful to her. She wept most of the time." "O, Ethelbert," she expostulated, in mild reproof, "you know how profoundly I enjoyed it. Es pecially the violin solo." 230 UNCLE JEREMIAH "Yes," Ethelbert admitted, "I believe she did go into ecstacies over the soulful art of the young man." Matilda defended her wrought-up feeling and insisted on having Uncle Jeremiah express his opin ion of the wonderful violin performance. He told her that his thoughts were not yet well enough collected, but that the next evening he would be able to express himself. Matilda did not forget his promise, and the following night, when they were all together in his room, she returned to her request for his opinion of the superb violin music. He drew a piece of paper from his pocket. "To-day, while I was watching some children in a merry-go-round," he said, "I felt coming over me the inspiration to express myself on the high art of the great stringed virtuoso. It swung into rhyme as follows: "Last night Matilda took me out To hear a feller play Upon a fancy fiddle in a highfaluting way. He stuck the fiddle 'gin his neck And sawed it forth and back As if it was a gristle An' he was my bull-dog Jack. Says I to her, 'with all them quirks, He'll never git to goal.' 'Be still,' says she, 'he's givin' us The longings of his soul. He's yearnin' for his ego, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 231 (I think that was the word), To shout out to the universe And make itself be heard.' Said I, 'That yearnin' business And those longing fancy fads Makes me think of poster pictures Made by impression dabs.' In my day the fiddlers' motion Did not come from yearnin' loons Those fiddlers had a notion That they played to give us tunes. So I'll never get in art so deep As to feel a fiddle's squeals As long as I can soundly sleep And digest all my meals.' "O, Uncle Jeremiah, how horrible," she ex claimed. "Well," he replied. "It is not exactly true to history, but you know that poetic license allows a poet to fix things up so they rhyme. After the poetic inspiration had gone off of me I read what was written, and sure enough it was not altogether straight on what had happened, but it was mighty near to what I felt." She didn't press the matter any further, Patrick O'Hara did not last longer than the next day. He said there was too much of it and the pace was too swift for him. The wonders were too trying on his eyesight. He preferred the hills, coal-shafts and blooming trees about Stumpburg. 232 UNCLE JEREMIAH Instead of being loud with praise, he was silent with indignation until Uncle Jeremiah wrought upon one of the sore spots and caused him to find speech. "I suppose there never was anything of world- interest before," said Uncle Jeremiah, "wherein women took such a large part." "Take a loorge part," Patrick blurted out in fine scorn. "Why, they hev took it all, at all. Didn't I see thim ivery place I wint either persuading or bossing the men? Show me the man that has a soul long enough for a woman to get hold of and I'll show wan with a ring in its nose being led like a lamb to the slaughter house. It do make my blood bile til I'm bilious hearing about loidy man agers, loidy clerks and on down to loidy wash- ladies. This morning I saw a drove of thim com ing out of a bilding where they hed bin resolooting about things till I tell ye the fair is run by them faymales, as is nayther women nor men. They'd be running the wurreld if it warn't for the Toorks on wan side and the Chinamen on the other. Whin they git the use of their thrue fate in China and take the veil off of their nose in Toorkey then the women in America will have risen to the upper hand. The diyil will be snooping round ivery man's home, and the men'll have to slape in the woods." The next morning he took the train for home and when he saw the transformation in his house, AND HIS NEIGHBORS 23* 234 UNCLE JEREMIAH caused by the liberties Ethelbert had taken in writ ing for him which had been effected that very morning, before his arrival, he was speechless for an hour. Then he said, "O, Biddy, how did it hap pen?" She called on a neighbor to read to him the letter which he had written to her from the fair. "And did I, indade, order all that?" he inquired in a dazed way. "You surely did," replied the reader, "for here it is in your own letter." "It was, indade, a woonderful fair," he said mus ingly, "but I'll nivver go there any more." Pat was one who did not appreciate the fair and his criticism amused Uncle Jeremiah so that it caused him again to drop into rhyme. "Of course I immensely enjoyed the fair," said he, "because the youngsters did, but I have written something here that is not a thousand miles from my sentiments." He took out an envelope, upon which were scrib bled in pencil the following : "Like several other fellows With more time than common sense, I went out to Saint Looey To see the fair commence. And such a jumble as was there I never saw before. AND ^ HIS NEIGHBORS 235 Not even when they're counting stock Up at the cross-roads store. As for the show, it's powerful fun, But, pshaw! most of the things Are no more use to anyone Than fools and diamond rings." "That is because we are farmers," replied Ethel- bert, philosophically, "but I say we have seen things and heard things that will keep us thinking for a long time and that is worth it all to us." "That is true, and well said, my boy," replied Uncle Jeremiah. "I just now think of a special one out of the many experiences. You remember the man who was going about the fair with me quite frequently during the last few days. He became very confidential at last, and, as a friendly act ear nestly advised me to put a thousand or more in wheat among the speculators on the board of trade, as it was, he claimed, the safest investment on earth, and the surest in the world to make money. He was so positive about giving me a friendly piece of advice that I asked him what reason he had for being so positive. At first he refused to tell me, but at last I persuaded him to give me the secret of his sure knowledge. He said he was treasurer of his church down in the state and that he had in vested a thousand dollars of the Lord's money along with a thousand of his own and it was a sure 236 UNCLE JEREMIAH thing that the Lord wouldn't lose His money and injure the church by letting the market go down. So it was the safest and surest investment on earth while the Lord's money was in September wheat." "I had several shocks during my visit," said Ethelbert. "You may have seen me around with a swell city chap during the last few days. As we have three windmills on our farm, you know I can see the difference between a windmill and an electric fan. As he never saw a windmill till we walked into the exhibit of windmills, he didn't know the difference. Well, some one had permission, prob ably, as a temporary convenience, to keep some fine hogs for show in a pen among the exhibits of windmills. "'There, do you see that?' the city chap said. 'We treat city hogs a great deal better than you folks do country hogs. I'll bet you don't put up big electric fans over them in the country to keep them cool.' "But that was nowhere," he continued, "by the side of the shock I received about the second day after our arrival. I was in a crowded part of the town when at a street crossing I saw a crowd col lecting. A policeman was coming across the way with a young lady quite stylishly dressed in blue and white India silk. As the crowd pressed upon them she looked several times into his face with the AND HIS NEIGHBORS 237 most innocent inquiry as to why she was taken into such custody. Everybody could see that she was a bad, guilty woman, and that these looks were A Bad, Guilty Woman. just put on, as the policeman never paid any atten tion to them, but just went on attending to his duty. She couldn't get the sympathy of the peo- 238 UNCLE JEREMIAH pie by any such art. Everybody thought it was a fine example that the law is no respecter of persons, but impartial alike to all. "A man next to me told his wife that he reckoned she had robbed somebody or maybe done worse. Still she was so young and lovely, so pretty and respectable looking that everybody felt sorry. I heard a woman tell another that it showed the dreadful pitfalls of the city for the innocent. An other one said it was plain she had no shame left or she would have fainted away right there at the disgrace. "We could see that the policeman was so ac customed to such things that he walked right on without any interest but to bring the woman to justice. "He took her on to the corner, where an old man was standing and I saw a man point him out to his wife as the one she had probably robbed. "But that craning crowd just fell to pieces and lost itself when the girl kissed the old man and the policeman said, 'Father, have you been waiting long?'" CHAPTER XV. NOTES ON FEMININE FANCIES AND PIKE BARKERS. A few days diligently spent in the wonderland of nations makes the streets and aisles familiar tramping ground. A party can rarely hold together longer than mutual safety requires, for each one likes to linger over what he most enjoys or hurry on past what others pause before too long. Persons are everywhere seen taking notes which they never afterward read, just as persons afterward buy de scriptive and pictorial books which they never read or refer to. The vast rich scenes are stored in the mind and it is painful to force their recall. They are pleasurable only as a special and occasional memory. Matilda 'thought it was her duty to take notes, for she had promised her parents to do so that she might have them as a memento of things seen and learned. The first impressions that she thought worthy of record were received when she viewed the extensive exhibits of precious metals and stones, in the Mines building. Such notes are characteristic of the person. She read a few to her friends as follows : "One gold nugget marked down to $37,000". One 239 240 UNCLE JEREMIAH gem value inestimable. Priceless treasures greater than Solomon's in frail glass case in easy reach of the crowds. Proves that the world is honest." "Ethelbert asked our waiter how he could know the important people when they were so mixed up with one another from all nations. 'Dat's easy.' he said. 'Dey all wears white aprons.' "An Asiatic prince all togged up was looking at some furs and some of us girls crowded around. His back was to us and we couldn't see good. One pert girl, she said, 'Please, sir, can't we look at you?' She thought he couldn't understand. The girls all giggled. He turned round and said, 'Most certainly, young ladies. You look at me and I will look at you !' We all ran. " Saw an old man come in to the exhibit of phono graphs. A big machine with a tube like a fog-horn was singing Annie Laurie. He leaned his head against a post and closed his eyes. When it was done he waked as from a dream and said to the guard, 'That was a good singer. I wish you would thank her for an old man. The words are dear to me. They made me think way back. I had a sweet heart once who sang that song to me. She was my helpmate many a year but she's been gone to the other shore many a year. Seems like the sound was from lieaven. Just thank her for an old man!' Then he \vent away. AND HIS NEIGHBORS 241 "Saw a man get into a rage and he made a speech. He was standing by a sign which said : 'LOOK AT THIS SIGN BEFORE ASKING QUESTIONS. This is PETRIFIED WOOD from ARIZONA/ "A high-toned preacher-looking fellow came up while I was looking at it and said to the attendant, 'What's the idea of the first two lines?' The man got crazy. 'By the Lord Harry,' he said, 'am I doomed. Won't anything shut them off? Have I only changed the form of the never-ending ques tions? One idiot comes in here and says right be fore the sign, 'Is this putrified wood?' 'No,' I says, 'it is petrified wood.' The next one says, 'Is this ossified wood?' and I set him right. Another says, 'Is this peterfied wood?' and I fix him. Then, 'Is this oxidized wood?' and I speak. Then, 'Is this galvanized 5% v A 000129889 2