m ■ i THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES / oc John Smith, Democrat: HIS TWO DAYS' CANVASS (Sunday /ncludec/) FOR THE OFFICE OF MAYOR OF THE CITV OF 9 M iJWW^ BY BETTERSWORTH. Exitus acta probai. — ov. her., 2,85. PRINTED AND BOUND BY H. W. ROKKER, 8PRINGFIKLD, ILL,. 1877. COPYRIGHTED SEPT. (;, 1877, BY ALEXANDER P. BETTERS- WORTH. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOTE. [strictly confidential.] Mr. Publisher: John made me promise if I should ever have this MS. printed that I w^ould explain his present views, as he anticipates, like one or two other American citizens, to be "dragged out" again for some office, by "many voters." He don't wish it un- derstood that he applies these old by-gone charges of little things to his present constituency. Not at all; he wishes them to imderstand that he has a larger opinion of their qualifications as workers and voters now; and with all the advantages they have enjoyed in the meantime of a liberal political education, he is certain that in the next canvass he can confidently look for vastly bigger things. Comprehensively, against no particular nationality that exercises a controlling in- fluence in politics, he brings no particular charge of no particular corruption. This sweeping disavowal he hopes satisfactory. Amanuensis. P. S. T find among John's stack of political papers 738939 VI NOTE. a small cartoon. It may be an outline of something to come hereafter. Here it is: — A BRIEF SKETCH Of the Controlling hifluences in AMERICAN POLITICS, Or a succinct view of the strongest political arguments employed by the Four Controlling Nationalities: Au£lo-American. Hikrniau. Teutonic anfl African. ARGUMENTS ARGUMENTS. ARGUMENTS. ARGUMENTS. Pro — Co7i. Pro — Con. Pro — Con. Pro — Con. The Anglo American adverse argument was left out of John's canvass, as there w^asn't time to mobilize it. The argumenta Africana, of the very small mule in the extreme distance, with the incisive adverse in the fore-ground, also took no part, for the simple rea- son that the XVth Amendment hadn't then taken effect. A. INTRODUCTION. BY AMANUENSIS. I am a factotem; that is, cashier, teller, chief clerk, book keeper, and janitor of a moneyed institution called the ^' Imperial Grand National Bank of Bunk- umville," Mulct-all-in County, Illinois. My salary and literary attainments I can quote at par; that is, they are alike — both meagre. After thus introducing myself, I beg, after a few explanatory and apologetic remarks, to present to you my old democratic friend, , John Smith, who desires to have a confidential talk with — well, with somebody. It occurred to John that he would like this introduction and interview in this wise. On the I3th day of February, A. D. 1877, dur- ing banking hours, I received over the counter of the "Imperial Grand National," the following note: Friend Jamie: My wife and the children are going south to attend, on St. Valentine's day, the marriage ceremony, festivities, etc. ; of a female relative. They will be absent a fortnight. Now, Jamie, I want you to come o'nights and "Bach" and help keep awa' the spooks an' bogles o' solitary ennui. You shall have res to feast on, and a very slow of bowl, or soul, as you may elect; the bowl too thin for drinking, and the soul too sluggish for think- ing purposes. Say yes. Come at 7 p, m. SMITH. As this paper was gilt-edged paper, I promptly en- VUl INTRODUCTION. dorsed my acceptance, and returned it by the mes- senger. That evening I was ushered into John's sitting room, where I found him comfortably seated in an arm rocker, on one side of the round table, which with books and papers was profusely covered, and a vacant rocking chair on the opposite side, for me. A cheer- ful coal fire, in an ample grate, gave warmth and ani- mation to all around. As soon as I was seated, John went off in a tirade against the electoral complications. He wanted to know if I thought the electoral commis- sion would render a decision as satisfactory to both parties as the bill seemed to indicate. I answered, I didn't know. Whereupon he declared, throwing down the paper he had been reading, that he had lost all confidence in American politics and politicians! This led us to a discussion of the newspaper reports of the whole affair, from the day of the presidential election down to that date, i2th February, 'yy. We com- mented, growled and laughed, alternately, at the unsat- isfactory statements of the papers; the contradictory returns; the "ways that were dark" of returning boards; the soothing reports, majority antl minority, of senate and house, of congressional investigating com- mittees; the fruitful efforts of the partisan delegations of prominent politicians from the north and west, and, lastly, the electoral bill and its result, as secured through the final decision of its high court commission. At this time the reader (I've hypothecated this one, if John don't have another one,) knows that public ex- citement had been wound up to its highest tension by the tantalizing aggravations of hope deferred; and the pendulum stroke of public interest, from its comprc- INTRODUCTION. IX hensive sweep from Maine U> I AUiisiaiia, hatl been iii- tensifiedly circumscril)e(l in its oscillations of Rep^ — Dem — Rep — Deni. li> tlie narrow limits of tlie j^rand commission; when all of us, with hated hreatli, were waiting, as day hy day its \ ibrations were lessening, to see which i)arty occupied the dead point of truth, where it would at last rest. Such was the time I went to stay o' nights with John. |ohn cynically says, that pendulum stopped on one side of the dead point of truth. He don't blame the pendulum, because somebotly made a veiy small brad lie on one side of it, and thus destroyed its integrity; and, besides, the point occupied by truth at that time was so very dead that the pendulum was justifiable in leaning to the side of the infinitesimal weight. After our discussion we resumed reading; had been some moments so engaged, wdien John threw down his paper and startled me with a hearty — "Ha! ha! ha!'' "What amuses you so?" I asked. "I was comparing." "What? How?" "Some occurrences in my political experience nine years ago, with similar, though greatly magnified transactions of the present day. The comparison is suggestive of Gulliver's* Traxels, Lilliputians, and Brobdignagians. 1 liad fallen into a reverie, wherein it seemed my little acquaintances (»f years ago were swallowed, boots and all, by the greedy giants of to- day, I was not sorry at this gobbling-up process, be- cause these diminutive parties, I knew long ago, to be vicious little rascals, and tleserved no better fate. On looking closer at the huge beings who had done this X JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. good service, I was astonished to see that they were my quondam httlc fellows, grown to full maturity, and cannibal-like, were fattening on all the small fry of their kind. Here, the paper falling, cut short the rev- erie, and I laughed at its grotesqueness. I have wished, many times, 1 had a record of the ludicrous and serious mishaps and misconstructions of that short canvass for the mayoralty of the city of Bunkumville. It was only two days, Sunday included, but it seemed two years to me. I was green, yea, very green, in politics, and knew absolutely nothing of wire-working or an}' kind of political juggling; but did the best I could to make the race fairly and honestly. You would hardly believe, were I to tell you, how much those little annoyances milled my then vnisophisticated mind. They were huge then, as giant-like as they suddenly grew in my reverie." A. — "If you can recollect these campaign occurren- ces, and wish a record, I'll act as your amanutnsis; devoting half hour each night to the task; what do you say ?" "Oh, whenever you write anything, yon want it jDublishcd — I don't want people to know just how sim- ple I was — and it hasn't been so long ago as *• time out of mind.' As to recollecting, if you Unew the depth of those impressions, ^\\^^\ should see the pile ol j^apers I -saved relating (hereto, youM desire to back down from too much reeolkcted material, rat her t han for lack of it." A. — "Til risk the \\.-rk. 1 )o you agree?" "1 doiTt care, we can, at least, amuse ourselves on these oltl memories." INTKODUCTION. XI A. — "T^ct us be systematic. Fourteen nlGjlits; four- teen parts, liet^inningr to-ni<4"ht." [ohn placed wrltin^i^ materials; took his seat, and said-^ "Well?" A.— "Ready?" "Yes." A.— "And now, gentle, hypothetical reader, allow me to present, substantially, in the first night's inler- view, the chief narrator John Smith, DiiMocRAT. NIGHT I. JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. How do 30U do; Mr. Hyijothetlcal Reader? I'm happy to make your acquaintance. Oh! its immate- rial about shaking your hand; but do not misconstrue my motive, as aristocratic recoil from plebeian contact; oh! no; T(>hn Smith, democrat, shakes hands with every body — you are aware, that your hypothetical hand is not sufficiently materialized; in vulgar par- lence, it's "too thin" for a tangible, hearty shake; yet, allow me to say that I doubt not, it would be put forth with quite as much zeal and power, to assist me in emergencies, as the more materialized hands of a majority of my friends and acquaintances. At least, I can assure you, that I can rely on it, when I need a helping hand, with the same confidence of succor. You needn't mind about a hearty verbal response to my cheery "how do you do?" I fully comprehend your feelings; your inex- pressible emotions: you know one of the greatest poets once found himself in a similar fix — although an other voluble child of song said of him, that "^As some vast river of unfailing source — Rapid, deep and exhaustless his numbers flowed." 1^ JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT, Yet this same rapid, deep, exhaustless and unfailing gentleman was once in your very predicament, accord- ing to his own testimony, to-wit: "Could I embody and unbosom now That which is most within me, -could I wreak My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak. All that I would have sought, and all I seek, Bear, know, feel, and yet breathe — into one word And that one Avord were Lightning, I would speak; But as it is, I live and die unheard With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword." So you see I fully appreciate your soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak — and would here beg of you, in view of some of these unspeakable emotions, although they are voiceless thoughts, don't, I entreat you, if uol for my sake, then for the love of mankind — don't sheathe them as a sword. Byron wasn't much to blame if he carried an arsenal of voice- lesss thoughts in his soul; liut you, my hypothetical friend, have neither justification nor need of such an armory of concealed weapons. Don't think I'm slyly disarming you of a trenchant criticism; as my motive is not cowardly apprehension, hut rather, manly can- dor. I have known many a time, when a man or woman was basking, aye, reposing in the sunny confi- de ucc of iViends and ac<|uaintances, one ol' tiiese voiceless thoughts, thai had been sheathed as a sword, to leap suil(liiil\ tVoin its scabbard and deal indiscrimi- iKilc (lest nutlou, liglil and K'fl. ^'olI |)ul that voice- less thought away, as a swonl, to rust in its peacefid scabbard, but stress of circumslames, \\ ill certainly, so*)n( r or later, pron)pt yon, unthoughtedh to draw • JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. 15 it, because it's so handy you see, and strike a fatal blow at your best friend. Would it be over cautious pre- sumption on so sliorl an accjuaintancc for me to ask, if you are armed now? Do you carry concealed weapons? Don't understand me as thinking that you would intentionally injure me, or any one else, but you are aware that serious, yes, shocking accidents frequent- ly result from such a habit, through carelessness. On the -whole, I think the best and safest plan is, if you have such voiceless thoughts as can be sheathed as a sword, to pluck them out and cast them away; for if they do nobody else an injury, they will seriously in- jure you, by fretting and festering the soul with irrita- tion and rust. Now some of our best thoughts and emotions are voiceless, but they can't be sheathed as swords — but rather 2:)lanted,as olive branches. I hope I'm not presuming too much on your friendship, when I take your taciturn greeting to "embody," if it don't "unbosom," all the oli\e-branch kind of voiceless thoug-hts, and not one that can be sheathed as a sword. With this mutual understanding, we will proceed. Let me see, I have done for you, on brief acquaintance, all that any friend could do. I have vested you with all the attributes of a living, moving, breathing en- tity. As the spiritualists would term it, I have ma- terialized you, and 1 propose to address you hereafter, as in the body, a material being. We have discussed voiceless thoughts, let us turn to others. "Critics!" Critics? Your fust apprehensive whisper? Speak out. May lie you haven't felt the full force of the soul, and heart, and mind I gave you? It will come right. Don't be afraid. I see your mind does well in l6 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. the selection of parties who never deal in voiceless thoughts, but a large proportion of them, are heav)' operators, in thoughtless voices. When they have thoughts, they always manage to "wreak*" them upon "expression," and never sheathe them as swords, but mostly, draw them as broadswords and throw the scabbards away. You must not let this broadsword practice, on expressible opinions and sentiments, frighten you out of the soul and mind I gave 3'ou. It shall not frighten me from telling my brief political experience. You know, and more do the critics, that there is a vast tlifference between political and po- lite literature, between bulldozing and belles letters; this may be due to the impurity of politics. Stal- wart critics know, that it is very difficult to skin some animals, even that are not -politicians, without getting in bad odor with certain kid gloved dissecters whose province it is to fastidiously remove the orna- mental velvety dust from butterflies' wings. When you whisper critic, don't mistake plain John Smith for a butterfly. I have endowed you with an average mind, and if I say some hard things in a very binigling way, 1 shall claim the merit of meaning, just what 1 say, and further, disclaim anv intention of apologizing for it; unless I can't dodge the apology. Between the reckless broadswords-men and the Miss-Nancyish butterfly anatomists there is a small corps of genuine reviewers, whom I respect, and fear; but they use the bright, keen blade of tiie skillful sur- geon. I have used such knives lileraliv, and ne\er heard a groan, nor thought of hurting my patient. 1 heard nothing; saw nothing; knew nothing but my urgent duty, and careel Ibi nothing e\ce|)t its rapiil and JOHN SMI I II, DEMOCRAT. I 7 sUilllul pciibimancc. If Jamie should, after liis beiU, drag these memoirs into print, T want the necessary pruning done by such skiUful hands as I've last men- tioned.* Attain literary success? Never thought of such a thing. We, Jamie and I, are only amusing ourselves. I have the fun and Jamie does the work. You must know the great "Sesame" of literary success is closed with a combination lock; whether a combination of critics, editors, j^nblishers or circumstances, one, or all, I can't say. Any how, it appears that an analysis of the combination is rather the result of a lucky accident than the systematic progress, from ward to ward, through the orthographic, or other graphic intricacies of a cabalistic key-word. To nearly all of the thou- sands of anxious tuggers at the knob, armed with all sorts of original and '■'■ad-ovigiunV key-words, "Sesa- me" remains obstinately closed. If one makes a hit he is himself as much astonished as was Atahualpa when he discovered the great mines of Peru. Although I should sufFer Jamie to drag out my reluctant consent to have these political memoirs published, and it should bankrupt the house that undertook the first edition, 1 can console myself with the modest, and certainly re- tiring reflection, that politics and literature are alike in one respect; that is, the best men in both tlei)artments are left out; as the stately McCauley would express it, "by the savage envy of aspiring dunces." Vide: our greatest statesmen, Clay, Webster, Calhoun, Sumner, Douglas, and Benton, none of whom could ever be president for the reason aforesaid. "English Bards and Scotch Reviewers" was the last shot fired at a lit- erary mo1), by one of the immortal poets, before he v5 1 8 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. left his native land forever. Now, my dear hypothet — no, actual reader, if I should essay to open this lite- rarv treasure-house, I should consult John Ruskin or Ralph Emerson. These master spirits, so far as can be known, adopted an original, and entirelv unlooked- for mode of attack, that disconcerted the allied army at the very onset. They marched boldly up, with cryptographic orders, and with continuous volleys from well masked batteries, routed the enemy, horse, foot and dragoon. Their keys were skeleton keys, of "marvelous workmanship and curious twist;" their key words cryptograms. They leisurely tried key after key, and secret combinations, one after another, till they opened "Sesame,'" and reveled in its treasures. For some time after this complete rout you might hear of a strictly contidential conference held by two or three of the woinided critics over fragments of missiles that they had picketl out of their thick heads; all eyeing critically the pieces; all wondering what they were, and all giving it up with a sad shake of the head. Their only chance for re-organization was to give these incomprehensibles a wide l)erth; either say nothing or praise immoderately; and now, nearly the whole re- organized army regards these oracular heroes with the same reverential awe, as inspireil good old Captain Cut- tle for Jack liunsby. "Whereby, why not? If so, what odds! Can any man say otherwise.'* No, Awast then!" A. — "Look licre, John, \<)ur half hour is one-third gone. I iiit niihurd you to this hypolhetical readei to encourage you with the shadow, because 1 couldn't jironiise the substance of a real reader, ^'on have- now talked him from the mythical to tiie real, with this irrelevant slull; and if you jjropose to go on and talk JOHN SMiril, DKMOCKAT. \g him to death, and rt'inaiid him lo his disfmlxxhed state, say so; hut I'M rest mj' pen while you are so en-. gai;e(h" '^VVliat sliall I sa}'? I mean in lliis ehapter; after I get started, 1 ean go ahead.''' A. — "Well, as this is to he l)ioi^raphieaI, as well as political, it would not he out of place to Itrielly state yourhirth; education; occupation; religion, it' vou have any, anti your conversion to democrac\-. Let your hypothetical reader know, whether or not, your cardi- nal principles are well grounded; so he can have an idea of what manner of man you aie, or were, espec- ially at the time of the occurrences you propose to narrate." " Birth? Yes, that's a fact, I haven't been Iiorn once yet — though I claim the second hirth — as I am a pro- fessor and believer in religion; and I tlon't mean b}' this tliiDpant way of stating it, any irreverance for such sacred things. Just now, 1 have politics, religion and nativities, so mixed in my thoughts, that I have to make an effort to separate them. I can see now, the apparent irreverence attaches to the political aspect of this second nativity. I was thinking of the great de- crease in the number of such births in the political family; and why the family should utterly ignore the necessity of such births, and still expect all the mem- bers to be honest. Especially was my mind running on two classes of political orators, one that cannot speak at all, and the other that can speak too \vell, both utterly repudiating the necessity of the second birth, and both standing sorely in need of the same. From the character and eflect of their speeches, it would be a blessing to their respective parties, and 20 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "the rest of mankind," if they ever should be born again, for them to take the good advice of old Col. Geiger to some noisy roughs at a political meeting — that to behave themselves, they must be born again, but for their own sakes, if not for their friends and the Lords — 'to be s/i/Z-hovn next time.' " A. — "Oh go on and stop this digressive twaddle." "Well T will. I was horn in the usual way; that is, naturally." A. — "Of poor hut honest parents." "Yes, that's it, the stereotyped politico-biographical nativity. As it suits my purpose as well as any other, I'll adopt it; as a good old democratic uncle adopted me, eleven months after, /><>j/ j^rr niaJ i^'fc. There were seven boys, all democrats; christened respec- tively, Jack, Johannes, Giovanni, Juan, Ivan Yoe and John, myself. I was the seventh son, antl of course the doctor. My literary education was lilieral enough, \ did nothing but go to school every school day, and a shooting or fishing Saturdays and Sunday — school and church on Sunday ^fhis was oithodox enough for an\- hoy. "At the age of fourteen years, my moral and political training received an impetus that, I think, resulted in 'Honest John Smith, democrat.' ^Fhe moral bent was given in the summer, and the political, in thi- fdl of 1844^ From my present point ol" \ irw, tliosc decisive inlluences appear tiiHing, just as do xW- petty annoy- ances of liie campaign I'm going to nan ate, hut at the lime Ihey occuire\tul surprise, like the prodigal son, or Washington, when my aiuit encouraged me in m\' res- olute course with the remark — "John, I was nnself at church this moining, and looked for you; 3'ou did not appear." "On this hint 1 spake," and like an honest I'oy, told the truth. I see now, what I then considered as a dis- astrous unfitness of tilings, was a saving clause to me. It was an effectual dam to the hi-adlong curient of true inwardness, that sweeps a\\a\ all the good intentions of a boy; it diverted this current into a rock}', but pu- rifying channel. At first I was afraid to lie, because I thought I would he snappetl up b\ two \igilant detect- ives, or stricken down like Ananias and Sap]:)hira. This coerciye iiilhicuce was ■^und till tin' full lom- of reasonable, in<>i;il ri'straint tame. I (Kii rniimil then to be a good man; never ti> emouragc wickedness, meanness, ii.s(>lin<;- myself with the belief that it vvouUl lie (lilTerent witli men ; they could and would appre- ciate me. To my greater astonishment antl chagrin, after all my years of manhood's experience, I find that a large majority ol mankind don't lielieve a plain, vir- tuous truth, when you tell it. For proof of this asser- tion, vide Greenleaf's Evidence, where he illustrates the difficulty — yes, impossibility of belief contrary to experience, in the story of the king of Siam, who im- jjrisoned the Dutch einbassador for an outrageous liar, for asserting that at a certain season, in his country, the rivers and lakes became so solid on the surface that wagons and teams could cross from shore to shore. I have found, like the truthful embassador, that it re- quired a more comprehensive experience than a ma- jority of men had, to believe plain, virtuous facts; and also, like the embassador, I have been punished by the unbelievers, when they, like the incredulous king, had the power to do so. I nevertheless clung \o my determination to be truthful; and this accounts, to a great extent, for my sobriquet of "Honest." Although it was so acquired, yet the most of my acquaintances use it rather derisively than complimentary. This de- termination to always be truthful and candid, will account for tlie unheard of method of electioneering I adopted in the short canvass I'm going to narrate. Why can't this majority of disbelievers, that lack con- vincing experience, be brought over to the right sifle, and leave a remnant of liars feeling so much like out- casts, that they would hasten to make an effort to come over into good company?" A. — "Oh, John, you wish to be a great reiormer. What you wish can't be done." 24 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "I tell v'^" it can be done, and only in the way I speak; that is, for every man who runs for ofHce, to run as I did, whether he gets elected or not. But you see every candidate thinks the slight d^'^Darture from strict honesty in his campaign is a small thing. It is true, but when it's multiplied by thousands a year, for years, and compounded, it makes an incomprehensible sum. Each one of the contributors to this vast fund contributes a mere pittance to churches and preachers, by way of atonement. They expect the clergy alone, at a far lower salary, to keep these malcontents straight. Its a grand mistake; because these dirty-work fellows dodge the preacher, and vice versa, there's a mutual repulsion." A. — "Oh, money is at the bottom." "Yes, and with an eternally ruinous balance against the ministers. Look at this table: FROM CENSUS. Total clergymen in U. S .)3,S74@$ 1,000. . . .$43,874,000 " federal office holders 6o,ooo@ :,200. . . . 72,000,000 " officials of government. .. .44, 743(rt) 1,000.... 44,730,000 Cr. officers $116,743,000 " clergy 43,874,000 Actual balance against clergy $72,869,000 Add slush riuul of disappointed candidates 50,000,000 Grarul total against clergy $122,869,000 Which tliink you will beat in the race where "inoncy makes the mare go.'" On such a basis you see il is impossible for the clergy to do a st)imd aiul safe busi- ness; that there must l)e ultimate general suspension. JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. 25 Until this account shows better on the moral side of the balance, the political reformers of civil, or any other service, had better cease caviling and simply di- vide the slush fund witli the half paid clergy," A. — "John, do you propose, in a short discourse, to surpass the combined efforts of 43,874 clergymen?" "You know I'm making no proposition to preach to any one; and as to preaching morality to modern poli- ticians, a man would be as safely and profitably occujDied, were he to stand, alone, on the Black Hills, and read the 'Sermon on the Mount' to Messrs. Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse, & Co. He might get through with his remarks, l)ut neither band would suffer him to escape a scalping for his foolhardy temerity. Enough of this though. I must state the circumstances and influences that brought about my political conversion. It was, as before stated, in the fall of 1S44, when Polk and Clay were rival candidates for the presidency. The foundation of my political creed may be considered unsound; flimsy; but from after years of experience and observation, I have concluded it was as firm and reasonable, and devoid of ad caftajiduni masonry, as that of any other politician. I have since seen the color of an oil-cloth caj^e, the brass buckle on a cap, or the star on a coal oil campaign torch lamp, shape for life, the politics of many freeborn American citizens. Therefore, I have no apology to make for taking a bold and unflinching stand against Henry Clay in 1S44. I was thoroughly convinced that he was totally unfit- ted to be the champion of a great political party, and much less to be jjresident of the United States; not only on account of his shabby personal appearance and doubtful moral integrity, but also, because of the ca- —4 36 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. lamity that was to befall him — death by drowning. The democratic campaign song contained a verse ab- solutely ruinous, in my estimation, to Clay's prospects. Heine's the verse that I thought then, was the cause of his defeat: 'Henry Clay is a man of doubt, He wears the clothes that Polk wore out, Hurrah! Hurrah! the river's risin' To drown old Clay and Frelinghuysen." Now I'll ask, what intelligent boy at fourteen could resist such arguments? I've since seen grey haired sires succumb to appeals no stronger. It might be urged that I was carried awa}' by the noise and confu- sion of the canvass, and was too hasty in concluding, that Clay was dependent on Polk for old clothing, or that he was such a doubtful man, that he could not be trusted; still, I was determined, from motives of pure patriotism, and national pride, not to supj^ort for the highest office in the gift of the people, a man who wore second-hand clothing. Besides, suppose he should be elected, he could not live to discharge the duties of the office. Wasn't he to be drowned, soon, with that 'risin' river? For a long time after the election, I waited to heartliat the river had reached its highest flood mark, and swept away these presump- tuous whig candidates. However, after growing weary waiting for the sad news, and learning that Clay still • lived, 1 was disposed t') regard that destructive Hood as rather apochryplial, instead of an actual angry tor- rent, that was surely going to engulf the Sage of Ash- land. Thus time confutes some of our strongest polit- ical arguments. 1 have no apology to ofTer for con- JOHN SMI'lll, niCMOCRAT. 27 victions thus arrived nt, even now. Full j^^rown poli- ticians of to-day, often adduce arjfunients as puerile, reasons as absurd, in supjjort of prejudices as silly, and opinions as unfounded. The diHerence is in favor of llielH)y: he's honest. One occurrence of that camjiai^n will serve to show how ntlerly unlltted I was then, and always nuist he, for a thrit'ty, successful politician. From a jiecnniaiy point of view — and that seems the main jjoint now, it will be seen that I was a signal failure. It was thus: We lived in an extreme Sonthern .State, iio miles south of Polk's home in Nashville, Tenn. M3' old democratic uncle, who was very enthusiastic in the campaign of '44, on a certain day after the election, when we were to get conclusive news of the result, called me up, and gave me five dollars in silver; all in halves and quarters. Just think of it! In my wealthy estimation Rothschild was a Job's turkey. My uncle then told me to go and hire all the boys of my size, the money would get at a cpiarter each, counting my- self one; take them out on the road, await the coming of the coach, ask the driver the result, and if Polk was elected, to cut from the fence corners a large polk- stalk for each boy, and thus armed, march them back, Indian file, into town, hurrahing for Polk, Dallas and Texas. I went forth to execute the contract. Volun- teers wei'e numerous. I got several whig bovs at a quarter, and a few democrats. I soon learned that I could have got them at half the money, but you see, it was the first, and only political contract I ever under- took, and I didn't know any thing about the numage- ment of them. After I had filled this contract, I saw how I could have turned out the same force, for half 28 JOHN SMITir, DEMOCRAT. the money, and if I had known and practiced the methods in vogue at present, I could have kept every dollar of the money, and moved the hoys as well, by making a stirring appeal to their self-sacrificing devo- tion to a glorious cause. During all my political life since, this wasted and only — I was going to say golden, but I'll compromise and say silver, opportunity, was all I ever had for a speculation. I modify the golden — with the silver — to lessen the poignancy of my regret over the loss; for you know, politically speaking, sil- ver dollars are not money now, and this reflection is a great relief. In ending this first night's talk with you my reader, I know you must see there is some diff'erence between the John Smith of the canvass and the present speaker. You must look on me, then^ as a great, green, gushing exuberance of native integrity; noiv^ as a somewhat toughened trunk, with its few tendrils of delicate sen- timent seared by frosty nippings, and all its candid shoots of a sturdier growth, that forced themselves beyond the symmetrical line of policy, rudely cut back by contact with outside keenness. So, if there should be any maturity of expression or comment, incompati- ble with the verdanc}' of the whilom victim, you can reconcile it with the thought that the John Smith of then is not exactly the John Smith of" now. \'ou have learned enough to know that he would make an honest, though not available candidate; as he was efTectually cured of lying at an eaii}' age; and his only jiolitcal contract, that involved money, was, if anything, too honestly perfornuil, for he spent his (juartei" for fire- crackers on that occasion. It is plain enough he would not undertake a government contract to do a piece of JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. 29 work ivorth $5,000,000 and clear on the job $4,750,000, or, in the refined lani^iiage of the honorable Simon Sng^fs, "to milk the cow dry" — pocket the whole amount; bolt the contract, and country, or, what is safer, flee^to the ''city of refuge," and never look back till tlie horns of the altar of the riuL^s of safety are firmly grasped. I wish you to bear in mind, my reader, that I am not that kind of a round-about public jobber, that seeks a public job through a put up job, by the pub- lic's servants, in order to put up a job on the public. I never thought of attempting to rear, figuratively nor really, a structure xvorth $3,000,000 for $250,000, to serve as a dead fall to innocent victims in fhe one case, t)r a snare and a delusion to m\' political friends in the other. A.— "Do lay aside your moral auger." "No! Just here, I close the first night's talk, with a special contract with the reader. He must be aware, that American taste is extreme in everything, just now. There is no popular half-way ground in literature; we must laugh or cry; worship Monuis, or ])ow to Mel- pomene; and ill the mental balance, be shot high up on the extreme of broad humor, or low down on the opposite of deep tragedy; never balancing at the equi- poise of plain, tiresome facts. Now, I propose, with my moral auger, to bore anywhere in this mental beam, between the extremes; not to show the thinness of the outside crust, nor demonstrate the extent of inward de- cay; but simply, and I hojje sensibly, like the provi- dent woodpecker, to insert here and there, something for future use. Finally, Mr. Reader, if you don't wish to take the heavy contract of wading through thirteen more nights 30 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. of tiresome narrative, with the certainty of encounter- ing, a few times, the rusty point of this mammoth moral auger; while your only cllis if elected — (a voice, "You petter vas nominaUd a lietle, sometimes") — faitlifuUy and honestly — ("th.it\ it Nick!") — honestly — (a voice, "How's Ihat furbi-lir") I will abide-(a voice, "at home") (chairman ciiiii "■( )r(lir") abide the decision — (a voice, "tu;^ii, 1 see the \ast difference in these speeches."" "Point it out." A. — "Brown was an orphan, no lather; Peters took advantage of this, with a father. Smith saw this and went one ancester better, and thus carried off the stakes with a bluff. It was lucky for you, John, there wasn't some fourth candidate there to come in with the poli- tics of his g-reat--enerations of unadulteratetl democracy couldn't have beaten it. As I said before, it was absolutelv astoundiii'jf. J^rown was the aristo- cratic candidate. Peters was popular with the riff-raff. I was said to be the golden medium. First ballot: Brown, 98; Peters, 120; .Smith, 125; total, 343; neces- sary to a choice, 172. This total number of votes as- tonished everybody, as the house held only 250 people. Nothing- was said of it, and the convention proceeded to ballot the second time. Result: Prown,96; Peters, 169; Smith, 127; total, 392; necessary to a choice, 197. When this was announced the IJrown men made some uneasy demonstrations. One John Hampden arose and declared that he believed there was foul play. (Cries of"No! never!" "It's a lie.") He asserted that 13 of the Peters men had gom- out, as he believed, to get a drink, and he couldn't see how the Peters vote could fhus be increased from 120 on the Inst, to 169 on the 38 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT, second ballot. Here arose a <4-reat din from the Peters men. The chairman quieted them. The third liallot stood, Brown, SS; Peters, 220; Smith, 135; ttjtal, 443! necessary to a cIkmcc, 223. Peters lacking' two votes. Now the Brown men saw if this sort of hallotiny went on Peters wouUl get 2000 or 3000 if necessary to a choice, and as I was their next choice they all united on me. The fourth ballot was announced. Brown, o; Peters, 240; Smith, 22y, total, 463!! The ciiairman, who kept a saloon and lioarding- house, promptly an- nounced, "Mr. Peters having received a majority of all the ballots cast, is declared the nominee of the con- vention, for the ottice of mayor of the city of Bunkum- ville." One of the Browns objected, on the olivious ground of imfair votin"'. He wished to take one vote I'/i'a voct\ in order to satisfy the members of the convention. Another great rumpus from Peters' friends. The chair made a feeble ellort to quiet the tlislurbance. 1 thought I was beaten; was accordingly taking my leave, when one oi'the tellers arose and said, there was "a batch of tickets in the hat, lor Petei's, that contained 25 ballots that were slicking close together and had never been separated except in tlie count." This led to a successful motion, that in the next ballot each vo- ter sJKnild hand his ballot to the teller, and let him cast it in the hat. The result was, Peters, 85; Smith, 130; total, 23^. How is that Ibr balloting capacity?" A. — "There must have beeu stulliiig done all aroiiml. "Il ap|n'ars so. IlV astonishing hi>w suddriiU p"p- iilai Mux'css makes a man. I was more than aston- THAT "everlasting NOMINATION. 39 ished at the iiisliini;, giishii)!^ friendship of the Peters men. 1 felt grateful then; 1 don't feel as much grati- tude now. They took violent [possession of me, and rushed me ofT to a Mr. Mallory's saloon, where, in a very short time, they had ten or fifteen dollars of my money expended for that villainous (I tho't so then) lager beer. / did not want any beer; it was bitter, nauseous to my taste, but it seemed as if that crowd of Peters men never would get enough. They really appeared in good earnest for me, for they hurrahed lustily for Smith. Several told me confidentially, and talked so [plausibly, that I believed firmly then, and scarcely disbelieve now, in their professsions of fealty." A. — "Oh, thunder, John ! are you a political green- horn yet?" "No, no! Pve learned not to place any large amount of confidence to the credit of such customers. Those Peters' men carried on in that beer saloon at an intensely disgusting rate. They insisted on my drinking a glass of the miserable stuff; 1 took a part of it with great effort. Their repulsive conduct an- noyed me very much, for they urged me to drink an- other glass of the bitter beverage; I did it through friendship. .Still, their irregular behavior displeased me, as 1 was solicited to take another glass of their tonic lager. This tasted some better, and I swallowed it with more ease. Yet 1 didn't approve their jolly festivities, for I was asked to "set 'em up," which meant to treat. I called out the agreeable drink, and — " A. — "Hold a moment, John. You were drunk! Evidence — ist. Conduct of Peters' men went through 40 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. the grades of disgusting, repulsixc, irregular, festive. 2d. The beer was miserable stufl", l)itter beverage, tonic lager, agreeable drink. Verdict — Guilty. Go on from a sober standpoint and tell what else occur- red." "Well, I guess I was somewhat fuddled. I wanted to go home though, and tell my wife, not of the drunk, but the nomination. She is a proud, good woman, and I knew she would be delighted to learn of my success. You know how women are. Do you think I could get away from that rabble till two o'clock in the morning. They acted like Comanche Indians full of lightning whisky. Danced the war dance; whoop- ed the war whoop; scalped the bar-keeper; scalped each other, and scalped me worse than any other vic- tim. They shouldered me in a lively, and I thought rather careless way, yelling for a speech. "Speech — speech from Hon'bul-ic-Jo'ss 'mith, squire. Rah for Yons 'mith! Bully fur me laddie-book, Jonny .Smeeth! Spruchc \(in Johannes Schmidt, j)v tarn I all der time!" — and before 1 had time to remonstrate, I was perched on the saloon counter, peering througb a dense fog of tobacco smoke, at a confused jumble of towzled heads, battered hats, wildly gesticulating arms. Jingling beer glasses, babbling tongues and jolly faces — the dis- cordant, sloshing, seething mass, graduall}' silting down to a listening quietude. 1 loiildn"! speak, but attempted to say something. Every otluM word I was cheered vociferously — (tiiat's too weak, can't I say can- nonadingly .'' No.^) — and asked tc. take something. This carousal went on till tbe bar-keeper saw his crowd was too full to swallow any more, so he gently reminded me tliat liie law eoinpeiled {':) bim t(j close iiiA'r " j:\i:Ki.As'iiN(i " xomi nation. 4' at ten o'clock — it was just two then. I started home, when, to my dismay, at least a score of these friends insisted on seeing "Hon-bul-ic-John-his-miff-ome." A. — "How did vour wife receive the deleiration?" "Don't mention it. It makes me feel bad yet, tho' several years have intervened. The reception of the delegation of escorts was not the main question. The previous (juestion, and the most dilhcult to settle, was my personal identity, ^'ou see I had, for the first time, used the beer too freely internally, whilst my unsteady friends had made a very liberal external ap- plication, as 1 must have had at least a dozen glasses spilt over my clothing and into my hair and hat. Holmes sang — "Virtue may tlourish in an old craxat; But man and nature scorn the shcicking hat." M}' hat at that time, on entering that saloon was a stylish, glossy silk ; new. When 1 came out from that pandemonium, it was more than the poet ever dreamed of, in the wav of "shocking." You've noticed ex- cited ministers clinch an argument with a vigorous thinnp on the ])ulpit Bible; so my friends, on this oc- casion, '•'•highly excited, and recklessly vigorous, hav- ing no arguments to rivet, emphasized each "'rah for Smith," with a ponderous rap on my plug hat, till it resembled any thing, except a hat. I've tried to thitdc what it did look like, and wished I had a photo- graph of it. I can think of only one comparative description; that, far-fetched, but it will convey an itlea of the shape. It resembled a highl\- magnified fac- simile, in anthracite coal, of the Kohinoor diamond, —6 ^2 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. hut unlike that gem, it lost in hrilliancy as it gained in facets and angles. On the wa}' home two of my friends, whom 1 was supporting as well as I could, tailing, jerked me down on mv face, while the half score in the rear fell on top of us; crushing my nose and face ft-dt to the sidewalk. Then followed a confused babel of maudlin impreca- tions; each charging his next neighbor with knocking "dowz,'-- or letting '■'faw zon-bul Joss Mith." At this juncture, the night watchman came, just in time to prevent a row. When I gained my feet, I discovered my nose was bleeding freely. An officious friend, took my white linen handkerchief, and wiping the blood with a comprehensive smear, that included my whole face, from ear to ear; then with a bungling hand, tried to tic the blood-stained rag over one eye, but got it around my neck ; a virtuous cravat — to off- set the blame of the "shocking hat." In this plight, with the aid of the night-watch — followed b)- all of this drunken batch; I was ushered into my quiet home; not quiet long, after the escorts come into the hall. A. — "Why didn't you get the watch to send the of- ficious wretches away, before you entered.'"' "No use; he tried, but tiic}- were fast friends in every sense. They jointly and severally swore tlievM "shee-ole-fezzer-ome-ic," and they did, if tliey were not too blind drunk. And now do von wonder, that mv identity was a serious (|ueslion. The watchman iiad hard work to induce mv wife to come into the ball, after she was spoken to several times by me. I at lirst tiumglit she was dressing; but s]ie had not ^one to bed — waiting lor me. She linally THAT " i:\i;i{I.ASTING NOiM I \ ATION. 43 placed herself under the protection of the oflicer, :uui came oiil. I ap))roached her, speaking" : "•It's I, my dear; it's I." She shrank hack, exclaiminj^: "Go away, von hloody hrute. Vou are drunk — you are not m\' luisband," I could not blame her, 1 shouldn't ha\e known my- self from external indications. All the evidence, I myself had, of' my identity, was internal, and that was strouirer of lauer beer than mental comiction. , The watchman made another ellbrt to convince my wife that I U'a-s- John Smith, her lawl'ul husband, but my fast friends were all engaged at the same difiicult task; to the manifest aggravation of the case. This serious predicament soon had a sobering effect on me. I was terribly indignant, I think my voice was under- going a change, I told my wife, I was John Smith, her lawful husband, and not to act foolish au}' longer. "Vesh, awfer husber," shrieked a friend. "Mein Gott, vot a vomans! I shust pets mein dot- tem poller das vas kein ander man als Johannes .Schmidt — py tam — all der time — you shee er shust falls mit der cidevalk down, und — " "Arrah — yer blatherin spalpeen — -yez niver wad igsplane, wid yez krout-atin tongue, at all, at all, it's meself^" Here our Hibernian friend got his legs en- tangled in the bell wire, that had been jeiked from its fastenings and disposed itself in many coils on the Hoor, and falling, knocked down two or three others, as they were all "tight as bricks," and as inert, when set in a row. Whether my wife had recognized my voice or the dire necessity of some protector, 1 didn't then know, 44 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. but she came up cautiously, looked at a ring on my finger, gave my hand a jerk toward the sitting room door; and I went meekly in. The watchman cleared the hall and all was quiet as a lamb. A. — "Yes, I guess so — tired?" "Yes, till to-morrow night." A QUIKT SAliliATH. 45 NlGirr III. A QiriF/r SAniiATII. "Day of ;ill tlie week the best."— OA/ song. Very. "Next (lay, Siinda}', you may truly infer that my Sabbath reflections were not very agreeable. I said my wife is a proud and conscientious woman. Why do you smile like a simpleton when 1 meiiti(Mi my wife?" A. — "Oh, nothing!"' "You are thinking about, and dying to know, what occurred after she gently (?) led me into the sitting room. You'll never know; though my recollection is more vivid on that, than all the rest." A.— "I dare say." "I said my wife was and is a proud woman; so you can conclude that her estimate of the honor appertain- ing to the nomination for mayor of Bunkumville did not reach as high a figure as her indignation at tiie previous night's spree. She said it was shameful, scandalous, disgraceful! All of which I very peni- tently admitted. I was truly sorry; ashamed of my- self; so much so, that I had determined, taking such a night as a foretaste of what a man must encounter in running for ofHce, on declining early next day. I acccrdiuiilv wrote a card of withdrawal — intending to 46 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. send it to the editor, with proper instructions. I so told my wife. Slie told me she did not see any harm or disgrace in running for an ofHce, but she had already seen there was great harm, and e\ erlasting dis- grace in running every saloon in town. "Run every saloon in town? Why, my dear, there are twenty-seven saloons. Do you think it is possible they expect a candidate to patronize all of them." She replied, she didn't know what the people ex- pected of me, but she could tell me that if I patronized twenty-seven saloons once around, as I did that one last night, there would n't be enough respectability left in me to make a fourth-rate horse-thief, mucii less a mayor. I told her nothing could induce me to repeat that conduct — nothing. I would n't do it again for the presidency. "I'm glad to hear it," she said ; "but, Mr. Smith, you know how much hurrahing', drinking, and even fight- ing there is at every city election; till we couldn't sleep at night — that, when you had nothing to do with them — now you are the head of the ticket. The Lord only knows what's to come." This was a view I had n't taken. The extreme pro- bability of it made the perspiration start on my fore- head. Dragged ofT to twenty-seven diirerent saloons, the most respectable of whicli I liad nlread\' patron- ized, to spend 30 times 27 dollars, $810; to make 27 speeches through 27 stifling fogs of tobacco smoke, to 27 crowds of druidvcn, scalping savages; to have 27 dozen glasses of beer applied jiromiscuouslv externally, and 27 dozen glasses to appl\- intoxicatingly internally, 37 new silk hats battered into crows-nests; and, oh, 27 A QUIKT SA15HATII, 47 noses — no; one poor nose smashed 3y times. Here I inquiringly, but ten(lcrl\', touched it, and it far more tenderly replied, "can't stand an\' more of that sort!'' I grew faint with this terrible summing up, and faintly answered my wife: ""\'es, but my dear, there won't be time. The election is Tuesday; to-morrow, Mon- day, the only working day, and, thank the good Lord for the Christian Sabbath. " Day of all the week the hest." • Emblem of eternal re " "Hark! Mrs. Smith," loquitur. "Mr. Smith," exclaimed my wife, "somebody's pull- ing at that bell-wire; don't you hear it rattling on the hall floor?" 1 did hear distinctly ; but didn't want to hear such music. It was as sweetly suggestive to my apprehen- sive ear of what was to come, as the long roll of the drum, or the friendly warning of the rattlesnake; and quite as cheering as the sound of the first clods on a coffin-lid. The perspiration started again. This ap- pears, perhaps was, cowardly; but you know, when a man has just perpetrated his first disreputable affair, like that spree, he is filled with penitence and self-con- demnation; and with a reasonable expectation of being called on to repeat it, he is replete with loathing; he feels like running away from the possibility of a repetition. I think such cowardice is near akin to bravery; so I asked my wife to answer the call. "I would rather 3'ou'd go," she replied. "I'm not dressed for company." "Oh, it's nobody but the boy with the milk. I'tl go, but you see my nose isn't dressed for company." 48 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "It's dressed in the standard style, for color antl make up, of its companions of last night," retorted she. "That milk will sour before you get there." "Vou know, Mr. Smith, it's too early for the milk boy. It's 7 o'clock now, and he never comes till half after, our breakfast time; but your nose may create a false alarm of fire;'' and with this bit of pleasantry, she went. I heard her conversing with at least two persons, but could not distinguish a word, or recognize the voices. They were ushered into the parlor, then my wife came back with no pleasantry in her face or tone. "Smith, you can go and see 'em. They wou/d come in, the brutes, though I told 'em that — ^" "Who are they, my dear?" "Oh! don't dear me; I told }()U so; 1 just knew how this everlasting nomination was going to be your everlasting ruin." "Who were thcvr Why didn't \<)u tell them I was — was sick — or indisposed, or — " "I'm not going to start out to lie any mortal into of- fice. It's a bigger job than I'll undertake; and you ought to know, if you haven't learned from experience, the lying news papers should ha\ c taught you, tliat it's nothing l>ut lies from beginning to end, and — " "Do calm yourself and til! nie \\ ho thi'\- are. We are keeping them waiting." "Let 'em wait. ^Pliere's that gimlet-eyed, needle- nosed lawyer .Sleek, and that despisable, red-headed, freckled-faced Hlackman, with a nose as bright as the headlight, and big as llie cowiateher ol a loco- nioti\ t' — just forcing themselves — tbieing? — better say A QIIET SABBATH. 49 burglarizing ;i private dwelling — before breakfast, .Sunday morning, insisting that Ihey must see you right away on very important business. I told them that you never transacted any Inisiness on Sunday, surmising what they wanted, and that impudent Bhick- man said it was customary in such crncrgencies to work on vSunchiy ; and I was silly enough to think there was something awful, and asked him what? when he gave me an assassinating smile, and said, they wanted to make arrangements for the funeral services of a certain Mr. Jones; just as though I could n't see through the transparent humbug, and — " "My dear! — I never heard you use such language before, you are excited." ''My language is cpiite as choice and refined as such subjects deserve. I onlv hope it's nothing worse, if anything can be, than that everlasting nomination. So, now you know who your honorable guests are, and you can go, before breakfast, and entertain 'em." "Calm yourself, my wife, and be so kind as to hand me your lilly-white, that I may modify the rubicundity of this nasal protuberance." "Don't always be a fool, John vSmith, 3'our nose is quite respectable enough for the company it keeps. I went to the parlor and found my early guests were Messrs. Sleek and Blackman; the former, what the legal fraternitv style "shyster"; tricky antl unre- liable every way; the latter, a thoroughly unscruplous bummer. Mind you, 1 did not know either of the men personally, or otherwise at that first interview. "Good morning, gentlemen." "Good morning, Mr. Smith," leplied Mr. Sleek, with a formal bow, —7 :^0 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "Hello! Johnny, old fcl," fium Blacknian, with :; familiar slap on the shoulder. "How you makin' it? Boys says 3'ou j^ot up a re^'lar old forty-hoss-power democratic rc\i\al at deacon Mallory's church last night. Flunxy told me you preached a wakin' u)) sarmont, the old fashion'd orthredox docterin'; an' waked the hlack republican simiers to see the errors ov thar ways an' repent. How did you like deacon Mai's pulpit — not convenient for preachin', hut old Mai 'strihutes the right kind o' spiritooal comfort to the thirsty sinner from it — \()U het. Vou held a pro- stracted meetin' the boys says — that's the way to fetch 'em — rassel with 'em — rassel ontwell plumb daylight, like old Gabe, or Jake, or what's-'is-name did with the angel — rassel 'em down, vSome o' the boys told me they'd better er nom'natetl Peters — that you was one of these long-faced pious galoots. You knocked that clean out'n 'em with your fust sermon. P'lnnxy says he never was so dead beat in a man in his born tlays, as he was — when you waltzed uj), like an old wdieel- horse with nary harness mark on you, to the mourner's bench (saloon counter) an' told old deacon Mai, to 'minister the sacrament (set out the drinks) at your ex- pense. Johnny, vou look a leetle worse for wear and tear. Some onregen'rate cuss hand you one on the smeller.'' — " A.— "Well?" "Well." A. — "Why don'l you go on?" "I was wondering \\h\' I diihTl kick that IJIackman oul promptly. With my additional knowledge of the utter indelicacy of — I was going to say j)oli(ical eti- quette — political associations, 1 could hardly refrain A (il'Ii;'!' SAIiHATII. 51 fiom l)ontinc^ sucli a man out now. The only reason lor not doin^' it then, was my uttei" humiliation. 1 felt too guilty; too much his e([ual; that's it,"' A. — "Stick to the narrative." "Well, I didn't kick liim out, nor order him out. J asked, as soon as 1 could suHiciently recover: "What is the t)l)ject ol' \-our earl\- visit, crentlemen ?" "You see, Johnny, old hoss," begun Blackmail, who was by this time stretched on the sofa, full length, with soiled boots, a two-cent ciyar in his mouth, and a thor- oughly at-home expression in his face; "you see we come airly — we are the airly l)irds spoken of in scrip- ter', that gits the wornuii — -Jones, you know, he's our llsh-bait; an' you see, Johnny, I knovv'd from the hunt you made last night, you's a reg'lar old cooner. You kin allers tell by the scratches on 'is nose, whether a dog's a good cooner; you see he goes right in to chaw 'em;" — and here this brutal wretch gave a leer at my nose, and a wink at Mr. Sleek — then resuming, "You sec me an' Sleek's hard to beat on the trail, or in the Hght; an' as Jones an' his hounds is a goin' to make an almighty big hunt at the beer garden an' the brewery, both, to-day, me an' Sleek jist drapped in, kinder airly, you know, to stir the old cooner up, fearin' he*'s sleepin' too — " "Exactly, Mr. Smith, Mr, Blackman is right," inter- rupted the more diplomatic Sleek, "that the canvass is short and must be vigorously conducted. Jones con- templates a big run on the brewer}' and Snigglefritz's beer garden, and we must do all we can to counteract this move; because it would ruin you and the party l)Oth, to be defeated this time. Jones will have his 52 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. friends there, at both places, early, and Mr. Blackman and I came early to warn you, and ask your co-opera- tion — that is, any suggestion or aid you might — " "That's comin' to biz!" intenupted Blackman, "an' you see, Smithy, it's — " "Yes, whatever little advice-or-or-othcr assistance that might be used, cautiously, to secure — '' began Sleek. "My God! gentlemen," 1 exclaimed, for what small stock of virtuous indignation I had left, was fully aroused. "Do you come heie to ask me to violate my ■ sense of propriety, decency, right, religion, everything an honest man h the hard fighting, and what's call'd the disagreeable work, if properly aided by the candidates; and, Mr. Smitii, unless you contribute yoiM" in — " "That's jist percisely what ails the purp," interrup- ted Black man, showing he had reached the long-de- sired pointat last; "yes, Johnny, contribute the shekels, your spondulixes; that's what knocks 'em. There's Flunx, an' Bil, an' Yin, an' all the boys; all you've got to do to stop 'em from yelpin' with the Jones' hounds, is to }ist ]^itch 'em a nip o' government greens; you know crreens is sfood for a sick hound — an' they'll turn right about face an' work like l)eavers for you. Smithy, old boy." This scamp, Blackman, after delivering this cold- blooded proposition of bribery and corruption, in such shockingly unvarnished terms, winked at me; winkeil in a way so confidential, so suggestive of — come, John- 54 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. ny, we know yon, you are one of these sly old coons that play the pious dodge; that use a little religious vaneering; but vou are worse than we;- though, for the sake of hariiionv in the part\- — more for the sake of your money in our pockets, we'll take pity on you; not expose you; and if you shell out liberally we'll condescend to forgixe you for being an arrant old hypo- crite. 1 arose, and told Mr. Blackman the conyersa- tion was disagreeable, very annoying; if there was any proper thing 1 could say or do for them, 1 was ready; but never, by implication, word or deed, \youl(l 1 accede to any proposition of bribery or corruption. Here lilackman took several steps toward the door, and in a passionate tone, loud enough to liring my wife to enquire the matter, said: •■'I don't want any ov your money, l)i". John Smith, Es(|. I don't. Squire Sleek an' me eorne here, this airl\' in the mornin', to do \ou a faNor, at"ter workin' hard as beavers all night for you, an' this is the thanks we git, to be insulted in your own house; an' now all Vxc got to say is, Mr. Dr. J. Smith, you can jist elect yourself for me. I'll wash my hands of yon, an' all I've got to say, I'll tell I'^lunx, an' Hill, an' ^'in: an' all of 'em was to meet me at the bre\yry at precisely 9 cr'clock this nioniin', an' we was to beat the socks olPn Jones — if — if W(.' only had the pi/erinktums — the sin- ews o' war — an' all V\c got to say, if Mr. Smith don't help his friends, his friends \yont hel]> him an' no\y good mornin', Mr. Smitii. Sleeky, aint \t)u goin"?" "No! (io ahead. Til sec- \()u on the scpiare," and following lilaikmaii to llu' door, Sk-i-k said in a stage \yhispcr, "1 )on'l talk \\ il li an\ dik' till 1 see \()U again," •A Ql'lIiT SAI5HATH. 55 then retiiniinj^, said : "Mr. Smith, I'm exceedingly sorry that ^ou misconstrued my meaning — that is, took the words ' the ould sthock o' Flinnigins o' Tipperary, an' it's yer haner's silf as should know me all this whoile fur ivcr so long as may loiks yez remim- ber it was niver a sowl save Pat Flinnigan as dilved wid ther hod whin yez honor was afther bildin' o' this silf same risidinee wherein yez are in this blissid minnit." Here was a half comma pause, and I struck at it frantically, and luckily hit it. "Will you walk in, Mr. Flannagan, and be seated? You appear excited." "All thanks twill yer honor, Init it's mesilf as hasn't a wae bit o' toime for Lakin' ov a sate, an' yersilf is moighty bloind roight whan yer say it's mesilf as has that silf same excited — got it rale bad the day barrin it's the Sabbath — an' barrin thai same I'd a fetched 'im a clip as \\d er sint 'im to grass quicker'n thray shicks o' a shape's tale by the howly St. Pather- ick, an' his ane mither wadn't a towld 'im fram Adam's air ax, at all. Shurc — " I made a snap shot at tliis thin pause, and pinned the word beyonil sure. "lias there been any dilliculty? Yuu are perhaps mistaken. I'm not the mayor of the city; only the democratic nominee, so far, and lia\e nothing to do with enforcing the ordinances. IMl direct you to the may- or's hou— " "Arrah! It's mesilf tliat's irol sich a nimiy as to not know the prisint mare. l'\iitli an' l'\e had siveral inthroductions twill 'im, an' it's mesili" as hilped to git yez haner in the hairnis fur the galoorious ould dimoc- racy. An it's this sill" same laddie hocU that's niver Quiet sabhath continues. 69 going hack an ycr haiicr, nivcr a toiiiie, an' ye/, hancr is mighty l)h)ind roight whan yez think it's mcsilf that'll make fra use o' me tongue, me vote, me poorse, an' he tlad, me shillalah widal, w liin nicissary, an' — " Here I thought of a lightning interruption Init gave it up. "Yer haner I'm jist this hlissid minnit, as loively as mo pigs wad carry me, sthraight from the brewery, an' what-iver does yez think, hut that, whin Tim Fla- herty, Johnny Soolivan, an' Dinnis McGrath an' me- silf cam twil that same ])rewer\', airly this hlissid Sabbath morruiiiing, whoi\er wad yez bae afther thinkin' we should say, save that bloody blatherin' bla'gard ov a IJlickman wad hookclbirry papers, an' a snoot for all the worrald as bii^: as a meshannok paratie, an' that dirty dhrivin' tongue o' his, shoovlin out whappin lies fasther thin ould Nick 'imsilf could do it at all, at all, an' all about yer haner thaking a we dhrap too miny ther night an' gittin in twill a scrimmigc an' one o' the murtherin spalpeens handin' o'yer haner a paler an' the smiller." (Here Pat glanced at my nose but kept right on.) "The silf same worruds, the same T can soobstantiate by the tistimony o' Tim Fla- herty, Johnny Soolivan an' Dinnis McGrath, shure. An' if so yer haner siz the worrud, Pm the laddie as'll sind 'im ter grass beyfore the sitting o' the sun, an' jist plaze ter give me the worrud,'^ here Pat paused, gave me a look of earnest entreaty — "to jist say the wor- rud." I could not give Mr. Flannagan the "worrud." It was a sore disappointment to Pat, I told him it was wrong to fight, very wicked to figlit on Sunday. I told him I was thankful to him for his self-sacrificing friendship anil 1 would remember him in kindness. ^O JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "An' plaize ver honor yez doesn't think I come fur pay, at all, at all?" he interrupted, looking hurt. "Oh! Not at all, Mr. Flannagan, I know you never thought of such a thing." I did know it then, and was thorouohlv convinced before the end of the cam- palgn, that I was correct in my estimate of Pat's char- acter. "An' I'm dooble sorra thit 1 can't git the worrud, whin I say how badly yez haner has been thrated," said Pat, eyeing my nose sympathetically; which nose I hatl not thought of for the perplexities of the morn- ing; but can't say 1 lost sight of it, or overlooked it, because the latter was, by this time, a physical imposi- bility; it was too big to be overlooked. I told Pat it was only an accident, that nobody had struck me. I was so unsophisticated at that time, that 1 had not comprehended till the interview with Mr. Flannagan, what was meant by "handin' me one on the smeller." How much an old political bummer would pity and contemn such ignorance as this, at the present time. "Will, an' yer haner, I must bay afther goin'," said Pat. "Pll thry an' kape yer advoice ; but I till yer haner, thit darty lyin' bla'gard 'ad bitter steer moighty shy o' Pat Flinnigin, because yez persaive thit I'll iiave to act in silf-defmse — the same as an me own hook, shure. Good day twill }cr liaiicr, an' suc- ciss is the slogan." "Good day Mr. I'^lannagan, Til see you again soon." I closed the door and was going to the sitting room, when, hearing tlie hall door (piickly open, I tinned and — "An' il" yc/, haner wad not liay nflher takin' aflince, an' loike az yez moiglit know it's mesilf as is the lad QUIET SAHHAril CONTINUES. 71 as ''as 'ad iiiinny more than si\cral thiials o' the var- tucs o' the saii>e, aiT may l)e an' as yez a docther yer- silf yez know — liut az I was afther sayin' a bit o' rah bafestik will sarve ycr badly thrated nose a moighty good turrun. No affince, good day." And Pat was gone before I could thank him for his advice, because I was confident he spoke from extensive and varied experience in that particular line of the healing art. Patrick Flannigan is a character, a great many ob- serving politicians have seen, a true-hearted, impulsive, politically honest Irishman; ready at the "worrud," too eager, in fact, to do all he can for his party, wid his tongue, his vote, his purse and his shillalah, if ne- cessary; and he very often, rather too often, finds this self-same "necessity ;" if he don't find it, he'll some- times make it. After Mr. Flamiigan had gone I walked back and forth in the hall a turn oi- two, thinking what trials the professional politician must undergo; happy in the thought that I would be freed from all these annoyan- ces on the morrow, by my withdrawal; walked into the parlor and seated myself. I wished Pat had staid a little longer; knew him to be the only honest politician that I had seen since the "everlasting "nom- ination. I thought I would even condescend to tattle with him, so far as to ask him what else Blackman had said concerning me at the brewery. Wished Pat would return, or some one else would come; felt more reconciled to these interruptions; wondered why? They were not so terrible after all. Did wish again some one else, I didn't care a cent who, would come. Strange, is it not? Why such a great change from a little while ago — since that ragged boy brought that — 72 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. Ah! yes, J. Smith, Esqr., "there's the rub," that note. It took some time for it to get through my thick head then. I could see it much quicker now, that tliis great change was not because I Hked these ver}- annoying interviews in the parlor more, but because I liked the one awaiting me in the sitting-room, less. A. — "Oh, John, there was nothing in all that. Your wife is a sensible woman, and she could see through it all when you showed her the note." "That is what I intended to do, l)ut Pat's calling prevented, and I was possessed of that foolish dread that very sensitive, honest persons have of investiga- tions. I have learned since, that I was intuitively cor- rect, for the reason that big investigations of small matters generally make them w'orse. I have also learned that some of the most ruinous family diilicul- ties have grown out of circumstances as petty, and sus- picions as groundless as this; all on account of too much explanation. I concluded to get my hat and take a walk. Hat! thunder! where was it.^ Alas! what was left of it was in possession of the enemy. Its poor, battered remains were lying, not in state, but somewhere, I guess, in the sitting-room, or somewhere else, as my recollection of just where I carefully placed it at two o'clock that morning, was indistinct. Be- sides, if I had the nobbiest hat in IJunkumville, there was that nose. It might ha\e been imposed on a care- less commimity on a business day, but for a Sunday nose it was a disgusting failure. Also hadn't that mer- cenary brute, l^lackman, reported all over town that I was drunk, and in a row, the night beibre. Ugh! How mean are some people! How tlie mighty are QUIET SAnnATH CONTINUES. 73 fallc-ii! 'I'hcrc I was, John .Smith; yea, honest Joliii Smith, afraid to advance or retreat — wanting to run away from the face of man and the tongue of woman. Tired? A. — "Yes, till you say something to wake me." "We'll fiuit till to-morrow night." — 10 74 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. NIGHT V. THE QUIET SAI'.MATII CONTINUED. "Where was I? Ah! yes, I recollect, the same eventful Sunday; a prisoner in the parlor, with no chance of escape. Above, no friendly covering; hat lost in the first engagement j in front a bulwark of a nose that could not be surmounted; on either flank a thousand eager spies; in the rear a domestic insurrec- tion too formidable to be encountered. Enviable po- sition for honest John .Smith, nominee of the glorious old democratic party for the oiHce of mayor of the city of Bunkumville. Only yesterday, and without spot or blemish; to-day, ashamed to go out, aye, and afraid to go into my own house. Twelve short hours (no, not so; they were the longest of my life") a can- didate for an oillce that 1 supposed my friends had sought to confer on me as a reward of integrity, and behiild Ihe progress. Charged with drunkenness, riot, assault and liatterv, and w hat made me shudder then, and still liiiits me, although I suppose men ought to become in(hn-ated to such soft impeachments — suspect- ed of marital infidelity, ^'ou can see how little I knew at that time ofllie world and its wa}s, social and j)olitical, ])articul;nly ])o]itical. 1 1 struck me for- cibly that if twelve hours of this l>rief ( ?) ram])aigii C'oiiJ<) bjing so many accusations, the criminal calendai- THK QUIKT SAHP.ATII CONTINUED. 75 would 1)0 cxiiauslc'd on mc before 1 ;j,'ot half tlirou*;h the cami)ai,i;n. I was vexed; yes, mad, when I thoui^ht all these troubles had been lirou^ht upon nie by presunied, oi' su[)posed friends. Of eourse I don't include my wife. 1 shuddered ai^aiii when tlie ques- tion arose in my mind: wliat must you expect from your enemies? T jj^rew desperate with thrsc forebod- iu!!^- speculations, and in my desperation resoKed that a Fabian policy or masterly inactivit}^ would l)e ruin- ous; I must up and be doiny'. I would adopt a pacific polic}' in rei^ai'd to the internecine unpleasantness; cau- tiously approach the enemy with a i\:\g; of truce, and amicably adjust the dilliculty. Acting promptly, I took that obnoxious note from my pocket, opened it as wide as I could, and holding it aloft as my white flag, I began to execute the movement. One or two steps in the hall con\inced me that my desperate resolution had not reached my knees, for they were manifestly shaky. No retreat, though ; for- ward, Johnny. So I threw all the muscular vigor I could command into the next step, and — set my foot through about three or four coils of that detestable bell- wire, that the excited pull of Mr. Flannagan had jerked to the middle of the hall, where it had disposed itself, serpent-like, in anaconda coils, to entrap the unsuspect- ing victim. To extricate my foot, I was stooping for- ward, when the anaconda sutldenly tightened his fatiil folds, and — there was a booming thud — grand meteoric display — a scream from the rear hall — a hello! Smith! What's up? You hurt? — from the front. In rushed my wife one way, and my old democratic friend, Honore, the other. The latter had evidentl}' taken hold of the knob end of the l>ell-wire just as I was try- y6 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. in<^ to get my foot out of the coils of the other end, and giving it a vigorous jerk (he always did everything with all his might) it suddenly broke the last fastening, and all that saved him a serious fall in front, was the fact that I was on the other end of the abominable wire to balance. T lost the balance, though I was up before the}- could offer an}- assistance, feeling, and I guess looking, rather dazed, for the fall stunned me, as my forehead struck the floor first. Honore gave me a painful look; he was distressed; my wife was distressed, and— so was John Smith, sorely distressed. My wife said : "Mr. Smith, you'd better go to bed." "Perhaps vou would feel better atter a little sleep," I'emarked Mr. Ilonore. This, I mental! \ resented, as a delicate intimation that I was still under the influence of liquor; I asked my wife to let me. have a few moments undisturbed conversation with Mr. Ilonore; to which she reluct- antly assented. We went int(j the parlor and closctl the door, when Mr. Honore opened the conversation thus: "Friend John, Fin afraid m\ e.\[)eriment will be too haid on you; that is, it will come too near using an honest man up, to run him,e\en once, for office, in the shortest campaign \ (ui can gel up. ^'ou arc too can- did; too honest; and what distiiialiilcs you thi- most, is your extreme sensitiveness." I knew the last dishn," he answered. "The sharpest men are wittingK or iiinvitlingK imposed upon by them." "If 1 run rU watch them," I added. "\'oii must excuse me vouistllV' he coiilinued, "and apologize for me to \()ur wile, for such a \ isit, at such a time, on such inisiiiess." Mr. llonore aiose to fake Ua\e when, it occurred to me to ask him : "Wlio was that 1m)\ that interrupted us?" rill': (il'IKT SAMKATll tON'I'IXUKI). S^ "John,'''' he i"ej:)Hc(l, 'Sou should li;i\c' known liini h\ liis car marks.'''' "What marks?''' "Di(hrt \()U notice lu- liad on liis clothes, face and hands some iiik\ stainsr" he asked. "Yes, hut what oi" llie stains?" "The\ show he's the devil; an odd da\' for such a visitor! I mean lie's the tlevil of the Repul)lican of- fice. Let mC' see the note he hrouj^ht," continued Ilonore. "^'ou'll ha\e to watch these fellows." "The note! J"l-wrai)|)ed the small change in it and gave it back to the l)o\ ," 1 continued. "You did?" lie ([neiied, concernedl \ . "Yes, what of it?" "Mayhc nothing," he replii'd. "Tho' T advise \()U to keep all original communications lor future refer- ence, or use. You may soreh need some doi'ument of that kind, hereafter, to which \'ou attach no \alue or importance now. This is husiuess in politics as well as commerce." "1 guess the l)oy will take it hack to the sick man, just as I gave it to him." 1 rejoined. 1 then told Honore the contents of the note. He smded, and lemarked: "There's a iisliy odor ahout it, John, hut ma\ he nothing at last. ^'et, keep hoth t\es aiul ears open, and also don't forget to keep all such papeis. Good morning. Send notice of \our consent to run this p. m., if you please." lie went away. He was a good man, an intelligent man. It was surprising how much he could accom- plish ilia \eiy short time. As i'hillipssaid of Napo- 86 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. leon Buonaparte, you could truly say of him, he had an "energy that distanced expedition." He never tem- porized, or compromised with wronj;^. It" it didn't come right promptly, he compelled it by his (to me then) unaccountable power. All his eft'oits were ad- mirably herculean, and eminently successful. Alas! Alas! Not a half score of years . have gone since then; he has gone with the years, awd left no discern- able vestige of his influence behind. He must have liad cotemporar\' co-workers all over the political vyorld. Where are the fruits of the lal)ors of this noble l)an(1 ? An echo trom the hollow world mcjck- inglv answers: Where.'' In tiiat short interval ol" time, I have lived to see, not onl\ the god-like efforls of such heroes come to naugiit, but man\', aye, too man\ of the men themselves, fall; fall like Lucifer, to rise no more. We have onl\ to look around us to see, to-vlay, such noble men, when once embaiked on a political sea, risk, with perfect conlldence in their \ir- tue, the outer feeblest circle of the maelstrom of cor- ruption; thinking, when they have made this one nnmd, the^■ can easih' e\ti"icate themselves, and spread their sails tor a straight course on a level sea. Oh! what a terrible mistake is this risk, of the outer feeblest cir- cle. The proxt'rbial lirst glass of llu' drunkard is safety in comparison; lor the ruined xiclini ol" tlu' bowl Ikis litlli' or nolhiiig to do with tlu- tVaming and the executing of oui laws, wbitli ha\i' bi't-ome, instead ol the machinerN' ol justirt-, a lab\ riiitli wherein ciim- inals iiia\ hidi- with impunitN. A glanci' now oyer our political sea, show s its whole e\|)ansi' ;i \ ast whirl- pool, with t he \ rnt iirons barL-., I jigc and small, dot ting llir liiiuirl shaped snrlace of llic dest i iiitl\ c whirl. H THE QUIE'l' SAHHAIII CONTINUED. 87 from the outer feeblest circle, t(j the eiigulfiii*^ vortex of eorniplion. A.— "John, when we were boys, iiiul studied geog- raph\, we were filled witli wonder when we gazed on the few concentric circles, that marked the great maelstrom, on the Norwegian coast. We then read with bated breath and intense awe of the insatiate maw of this mammoth sucker-in of whole fleets. The world then took the same des])erate view. Explor- ation and time have proven il am\th; di\ested it of its terrors, and f)und it to Ik- nothing more than a de- flection of the N. E. l)raiich of the Gulf stream, by the cold alirupt check it gets on the rugged coast of Norway from cooler counter currents. When we have more time, and explore more thoroughly your whiiipf)(>l of corruption, ma}be it may prove to be a deflection, of a comparatively small stream of immor- ality, highh heated with human passions. When it is forced into the lirt)ad and cooler depths of the po- litical ocean, it will l)e chilled to a chaste tempera- ture. Then our serious view of this moral whirl- pool, like oiu- l)o\ ish idea of the great physical bug- bear, will l)e changed from one of awful contempla- tion to one of hopeful rejoicing, that we were mis- taken, deluded, misinformed.''' "I do ho23e you are right." A. — "More do I. Tm sleeps , let's quit till tomor- row night." Amen. SS JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. NIGHT VI. A VERY QUIET SABBATH. Ill the last chapter I skipped, after INIr. Honorc letl., all the recollections of the canvass, and came scpiare up to the present day. I must go hack and pick up the hroken thread. I was yet in the parlor; it was only ten o'clock on that interminahle Sunday. I was thinking of the advice Mr. Ilonore gave me concerning dead-beats, Innnmers, progressive contracts, and the preservation of original papers. 1 didn't see there could anv harm grow out of tlie note, 1 gave hack to the boy, with the money wrapped in it. I supposed it would redound to my benefit, rather than injury, if it were shown. So far, I had received but two notes, and m\ wife had the other; so I was safe enough on origi- nal communications. The binnp on my iorchead pained me; 1 could feci thai il was growing. My nose also needed some atlciilion; nor liad 1 shaved. As I had (piite determined (just to please Honorc, you know) to I nil for the otbce of Lord High Mayor of the city of ISuiikunn ilK' m\ physical damages must he repaired, and m\ personal appeai'ance great 1\ impro\cd by the next da\. Now diUcrcnl wcic my feelings! An hour ago I fi'lt liUi- a felon; imprisoned in iii\ own house; entniies in fronl ; encmit's on cilluT Hank; and I wimt sa}' a dreatlful enemy l>nl a dreaded unpleasantness A VERY (iiriKT SAHIJATII. 89 in the rear. Behold, honest John .Smith was "himself again!" Mr. Honore would rout the front and flank assailants, and that note, hless it, hatl, ere this, pacified the domestic foe. Full of the pride of vindicated innocence, I marched boldly into the presence of m}' humillatetl Whe-ew! Not much humiliation, nor amelioration, nor pacification, nor any other than an unmentionable ation, in that countenance. The look she gave me put to rout all my manl\- purposes instanter, and it was so sharp that I could only think of shaving. With a feeble effort at dignified indiirerence, I asked: "Mollie, dear, is there any hot water?" "Yes, dear Johnny, there's ^ilenty forj'ow," she an- swered. I didn't like the emphatic 'you,' hut continued, "Well, deary, let's have it; I want to shave and fix up. I have concluded, after a conversation with Mr. Honore, to run." "Run? I would," she said, "I think you had better start now, and run till you get out of the State." "Why, what's the matter? .Still mad about that Gay note? Uon't it explain itself? You've read it, haven't you?" "Read it! read it, havn't you," echoed she; and thrusting a folded slip of paper, rather spitefully, to- wards me, asketl scornfully, "Have }'ou read that? That's hot water enough to sha\e you, Johnny." 1 opened the slip and read — "Johnny, come this r. m. Susie. ' "Only this, and nothing more." — 12 90 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "Where did you get this, Mrs. Smith?" "Where did /get it? That's a nice question for you to ask, she repHed ; "I suppose it came from another scion of some other illusti'ious house, and relates, of course, to the everhisting nomination. Pray, when did Susie nominate you, Johnny? Was it at the demo- cratic convention, the beer-hall convention, or a cotifi- dcntlal convention held hv you and Susie?" This ivas hot water, and getting too hot to endure. So was I; and asked rather angrily — "Where did you get this piece of pajDcr, Mrs. Smith? Please be so kind as to answer my question." "I found it in the hall," she answered, "where nou tumbled down and droj^ped it; and you can't deny it," "I do deny it, most emphatically; and will take an oath that I never saw it till you hand«d it to me." I saw her waver when I spoke of the oath, for she never doubted my truthfulness — till I got that "ever- lasting" nomination. She rallied with the question: "Then vou sav you didn't have that note? — no note in your hand when you fell down?" "No. I did 1ki\c the note I got from Mr. Gay in my hand; it was ojien; a much larger paper than this; I was bringing it to \()ii to read, when Mr. Ilonore tripped me with the bell- wire. The note must have fallen on the iloor, and, of course, you got it, and read it." "Of course I did no such thing," she replied. I again l\lt in all of in\ poikets; but the note was not flc practice of patron- izing saloons, and kindred places, to make votes. I could hardly believe, Mr. Smith, that you would adopt — 13 ^S JOHN SjMITH, democrat, or encourage such methods of securing the ballots of your deluded fellow-men." "No, no, su". No, I rather stammered. No, I have never done — nev-nevcr approved or en-encouraged such practices." "I am glad to hear you say so," he continued. "Bro- ther Goldman, good soul, was deeply concerned about you, and urgently requested me to call after service; I came before, having sufficient lime, to see you. It is contrary to my principles to visit on the Sabbath, and very painful to me to meddle with personal matters, but from what good brother Goldman told me, 1 thought it was my duty as a Christian minister to call on you as soon as possible, and satisfy myself. (Here I thought of the dueling code, he demands satisfac- tion, where's my consolation?) You must have fallen into bad hands last evening. Were you actually knocked down three times, by those drunken ruf- fians?" "Knocked down three times!" echoed 1. "Who told you such a story as that, Mr. Bonham?" "I understood our worthy brother Goldman to say that you were enticed away to a drinking saloon, over- come with strong drink, set upon by a number of in- toxicated men, severely beaten; yes, knocked down three several times," and Mr. Bonham concluded with a glance at my tout oiscniblc, (for, my friends (?) had not allowed me time to shave or dress) (hat plainly said, and 1 believe it all. "If Mr. Goldnian luld you that, he willingly or not, told what is untrue." "Ah! indeed!" lie exclainu-d, "could it be jiossiblc, that good biolher Goldman wouM niisirpiesenl ? I A VKRY QUIET SABBATH. 99 ha\c always had implicit coiitklcnce in his vcracitv. He's such an earnest worker in the j^^reat cause." "lie may he an earnest worker, ])ut he's very un- skillful. It would require the rarest ecclesiastical tal- ent to correct the hlunders of such a lahorer. He should he, oi" try to he, truthful and candid." This, I said in a nettled tone, for it was appaix-nt that Mr. Bonham had prejudged the matter from Coldman's statements, "Vou are too sexere," he resumed. "Are ycju quite sure hrother Coldman misstated the lads.?" This in- sulting remark was accompanied hy a scrutinizing look at my disfigured face. "I have said as much," I answered rather hotly; "and, Mr. Bonham, 1 think my word is entitled to quite as much credence as that of Mr. Coldman; how- ever, I do not wish to discuss our relative veracity." "Oh, no offense; no offense, Mr. Smith," he ex- claimed, "none whatever; hut you know a minister has to speak plainly on such topics, and — " "Mr. Bonham," I interrupted, rather angrily, "your calling as a minister does not confer the right to come into a man's house, and talk to him as a liar and com- mon drunkard, with no better evidence of these grave assumptions than the exaggerated tattle of a meddle- some hypocrite, and the disfigured condition of my face." "Mr. Smith, you are excited," he replied, "too se- vere; I meant to say that brother Coldman is a very consistent Christian. I never have known him to de- part from the straight and narrow path." "Yes, I think," I added with asperity, "that such a path would suit his soul ; the narrower, the better, for lOO JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. it would be doubly lost, here and hereafter, in the broad way." "You are sarcastic, Mr. Smith," he said; "Brother Goldman was only discharging a Christian duty, and it does not become you, Mr. Smith, under the circum- stances, to disparage a godly man when he — " "Mr. Bonham," I interrupted, "3'ou must excuse me, but I cannot listen to such remarks. They are full of the assumption that I am not a truthful man, while Mr. Goldman is immaculate, when I know he has misrep- resented me grossly, and sent you here to lecture me in this, I must say, ungentlemanly manner; all because vou both eagerly jump at the most uncharitable con- clusions, without once asking for an explanation of reports and appearances, so condemning to me." "Ahem! Ahem! 1 think," he replied, with digni- fied asperity, "from appearances, that Brother Cold- man could not have been so very far tVom the truth in his assertions." I was too angry to trust myself to vc))lv to this. After a moment's silence, I said : "Mr. Bonham, this is my home; to-da\' is Sunday; you are a minister, I'm told." "1 am cjuite apprised of those facts," he replied. "i th()u<'ht you had lost sijrht of them, from your remarks." "Not at all, Mr. Smith," he resumed, "you must have overlooked the fact, tlial ministers have, by vir- tue of their calling, rights and immunities not vouch- safi'd to ordinary indixiduals; and in accordance with a time lion — " "Mr. Bonham,'' 1 iiiteii iiptiul, '' 1 \v, to postpone the settlement of the mattci" to some otlicr time and ]ilace; for I could hear my wife walking uneasily in the hall. Rising from my seat T told Mr. Ophcleide I would sei- him at MONDAY MORNING. 1 33 my office at ten o'clock, where T would give him full satisfaction. This last word was unfortunate, because Mr. Ophcleide, according to the common American acceptation of the word, took it that I had challenged him to mortal combat. This I inferred from his con- cluding remarks, and got confirmation afterwards: "Meester Johannes Schmidt," — the Herr was now ready to go — "you das vas sie-macht sclagdt-oder fite mit mir, den Ich fite nicht mit der tam pistolen aber ein goot — vas sie nennen swort, I sees you all der dime, unt I schust pet, py tam, Ich vill make you gone so (let als you never vas pefore. I sehe, oder sees dot marshall, und der shudge, mit der law, py ihnen, oder you, und den you bays der gondragdt py ter prass pan, und Ich denke — thinks ein man vat vas nicht der sfon- dragdt bay, vas nicht so goot als er never vas. So! huh! so! Coom, Herr Tromboorn, nichts cum daraus von Herr Schmidt. Hon-o-rabble — Pfui! Pfui!" I did not understand all Mr. Ophcleide said. I did comprehend his going, and was glad, I opened the parlor windows wide this time; sat down a moment in the murky gloom, and felt like I was unfortunate. "Hello! Doctor!" Looking through the dense clouds of tobacco smoke, in the direction of the voice, I indistinctly saw the face of a neighbor, with a frightened expression, peering in one of the open windows. "Come in, Charley. What's the matter?" He coughed and sneezed, and answered — "Oh, no! Ilav-havirt time. Saw the smoke roll- ing out the windows, and (cough) ahem, and thought (atchee) the house was on iire, (atchce-oo) it's tobacco smoke, ain't it?" 134 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "Yes, a highly concentrated, a condensed article, most too solid for smoke." "Ha! ha! ha! It does strike one so. Arn't you afraid a slight change in the temperature will precipi- tate a shower of — ambier?" quizzed Charley. "Yes, and lager beer, too." "I heard this mornmg you had declined to run ; is it so?" "No; though I feel like running anywhere to es- cape the canvass. Come in, and cheer me up," I said, willing to sacrifice the remainder of my breakfast to chat a few moments with as lively a companion as Charley. "Havn't time; must go. Just in time; here comes a messenger to the front. Good morning;" and the light-hearted Charley was gone. I answered the knock; was handed, by a neatly dressed boy, a neatly addressed envelope, evidently from a lady. The boy remarked that I could answer through the P. O. or in person, and went his way. The note I found in the envelope, ran thus: "BuNKUMViLi.E, April 6th, 1868. Dr. J. Smith: "I have always regarded you as a high-niiiuieti, honora- l)lc' and generous man; one who would scorn a mean act. Hold- nig still this opinion of you, I await an explanation to determine whether or not I liave hitherto been correct in my favorable es- timate of your character. The explanation will be a satisfac- tory answer to the cjuestion : Did you circuliitt' a report, or assert that I sent jou yestciday, Sunday, a note soliciting a teacher's position in the city Free School.' 1 am sorely dis- tressed at the idea that I should be so injuriously misrepresent- ed by soiiir our; imil my anxiety to rectify this mistake must be my excuse for thus addressing you. Tridy voiu- friend, F.\NMK G.\Y." MONDAY MORNING. 1 35 A. — "John, a genuine lady wrote that note." "You are altogether correct. She was truly a lady, but being poor, was the legitimate prey of ignorant, tattling shoddyists." A. — "Didn't you defend her against their attacks?" "To the fullest extent of all that was virtuous and noble within me, vigorously exerted, I did." A. — "Well said ; better done. Go on." "Flees the wrath to come!" vide Rep. Extra No. i. Suggestive; isn't it? I could scarcely bear, so far, the complicate net of aggravating, exaggerated misrepre- sentations that mv male friends (?) had woven around me; but I thought if the women were going to or- ganise a crusade on me, thus trammelled, it would be wise to act on the hint, though malicious, of Extra No. 1, and verily "Flee the wrath to come." Who could, or would have told that good, innocent girl such a story? Could it have been the ragmuffin of a boy, who brought the Gay note, and because I didn't "cend 5$ dullers" walked surlily away muttering, "Fll jis bet noodles pap'll wax 'im out'n his boots"? Could it have come to her ears, indirectly, through the devious ingenuity of the deviltry of the parties into whose hands the purloined note had fallen? You see by this time, I had come to the correct conclusion, that the "Bribery and Corruption" note published iuExtraNo. 2, and the missing Gay note, were the same; except the latter had been dressed into the respectability of the former, to reap the benefit of good appearances; thus creating the impression, that any one, male or fe- male, of my political friends, might have written the note. Now, there was nothing so far as the girl was concerned, but the simple fact that her name was Ga}-, 136 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. but she belonged to a difierent family, not at all rela- ted to that of the writer of that note. This sameness of name was all that was wanted by that same devious ingenuity of deviltry, to convey the preposterous idea that the girl wrote such a note. A. — "Oh John, that's hardly possible." Undei ordmar\ cncumstances, I think so too; but in a political campaign, nothing is easier than a strained effort of scoundrelism, to hatch out entirely improb- able inferences. These questions or reflections passed quicker through mv mind than I have been recount- ing them. I was getting my eyes open. The fact that mv wife had mistaken the source and purport of the note, recurred. Could she have said any thjng? No! No! I was confident she hadn't. She did not gossip. Even if she did, she had had no chance, be- cause she had not been out of the yard, nor had any of her lady friends been in the house since the reception of the note, and — "'Ere's yer Bunk'vill Dcm'crat Extra — all 'bout lies an' sich on Hon'ble John Smith!" What could this mean?" It fell on my ears like the music of an old forgotten favorite song. Was any- bodv going to sav a word in favoi^ of John Smith.'' — vindicate his honor? 1 fairly rushed to the door to drink, greedily in, the sound of the glaeral row, I asked Mr. Flannagan if he woultl not do an errand for me. "Yis, yis, in a jiffy;" and to my surprise Pat looked happy, and continuing, said: "Pll go sthraight and back in thra sheeks o' a shape's tail ; an' where be they ? an' if he's yez havn't got one o' these," and he held up his shillalah, "it's mesilf az has as foine an assortmint of this silf-same waypon as mny mon iver laid his two 148 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. lookin' eyes on outside o' Donnybrook Fair. Shall I bhering siveral, thit yez can tak yer pick? An' now I'm aff; yez lady can hind me pistils?" and Pat had actually started, "Hold on, Mr. Flannagin, you are mistaken; I don't want any weapons. I want you to go to Mr. Arndul's house, and tell him that I will see him this afternoon." "Arrah! an' yer not afther postponin' the consart wid thim musisherners twill afther dinner?" Fat asked, crestfallen. "Barrin yer haner is a docthor, an' maybe loike kens more'n mesilf ov sich, Fm the lad as'll take me pairt in sich prosadin's jist before males, as yer haner, bain' a docther, kens its al the toime the lank stumniick an' lane bow'l as dodges the knoife an' ther bullit." Mr. Flannaofan liad reduced his favorite amusement to a "fearfully scientific" basis. I told Fat that I did not intend to have any difficulty. "VVhativer is it yer afther sayin'? Not foight inny at all?" he exclaimed in a tone of blank despair; "Will yez thin give me the worud?" "No, Mr. Flannagan, you arc a good and true friend, and I do not wish to involve you in my trou- bles," I answered. "I wish you to goto Mr. Arndul's and tell liim I will come this afternoon." "An shure FU tlo innything for yer haner an' me pairty; but it's mesilf as is a moight afraitl to lave yez wid thim niurtherin horn-tooters; hadn't yez bitter go lang wi' me? or, mal)be loike, wait a bit alf, twill Fm com'd agin?" Mr. Flannagan spoke in an earnest, anxious tone, though I couldn't appiove of his idea of an errand, in having me "go lang wi'" him, yet I liked his friendly MEETS A WARM UECEI'TION. I49 solicitude. To satisfy him, I told him I could take care of myself. "Will yer haner promise me, by the howly jimpin' Moses, sayin' there's to ba inny performince on the loikes of this luvly instrument," and Pat eyed his shil- lalah affectionately; "that ye'll plaze to put it in the bills, that Misther Patherick Flinnigin, clane all the way from Tipperrary, the most cilebrated perfairmer in ther wide worrald an the sowl stirrin' insthrument called the shillalah, will lade the arkistry ?" "Yes, Yes, Mr. Flannagan, you shall be apprised if there is any fighting. There shall not be a lick struck till you are on hand, and have the 'worud.' " "Many thanks twill yez," gratefully responded Pat. " 'A frind in nade's a frind indade,' an' Fm not the lad as'U forgit yez haner for sich a gerait favor. An' yer kape yer papers paled an' thim murtherin fillers, an' whativer yez do, don't let ther ball open twill ther chafe musisherner is prisint." And Pat was ofi" doub- le-quick. How strange, that there is any mortal who consid- ers it a "gerait favor" and delights in the fun of fight- ing; Pat Flannagan was one. I walked straight to my office door; the crowd al- lowing me to pass in quietly ; at least, without an}- demonstrations of personal violence, though there were several menacing expressions, both facial and verbal, (I guess,) but happily I didn't understand the latter. And now, whom do vou think I found in theofiice? A. — "Don't know; probably Ophcleide; a huge broadsword; Trombone, second; a surgeon; and friends to Ophcleide." "No! No principal; no second; no swords; no 150 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. anxious friends; no warlike indications or preparations, but instead, the white-winged messengers of peace. Ministers extraordinary, ])ut not plenipotentiary: min- isters of the gospel." A. — "Ministers of the gospel? What on earth brought them?" "You know, that good pious brothers Goldman and Bonham were sorely exercised at my Saturday night's unfortunate affair, and in their usual delicate manner, brought home to my spiritual vision the unknown (?) fact that I had done wrong. Thev had heard of the bloody duel; had bathed leisurely in the current of probabilities; diven down deep, and brought up bot- tom facts, as was their wont, and after calling in two common-place, plodding preachers, merely for forms sake, they were now^ ready to render judgement in my case, and all I had to do, was to stand up and I'eceive sentence. So I walked unknowingly and unceremon- iously into the august presence of this grand ecclesi- astical conclave. There were sanctified brothers Cold- man and Bonham, with two common-place j^reachers, Wise and Milton. Not knowing at what stage of the proceedings this solemn conclave had reached in their sanctimonious deliberations, nor the scope of its juris- diction, whether ecumenical or topical; nor yet the nature of the question ; whether social, moral, political or ecclesiastical; I felt my way cautiously, by bidding them gootl morning; not with that suavity that anticipates a fat fee. Then, with that aforesaid hilar- ity of ♦lesperation, continued : "Gentlenuii, whv am 1 thus honcn'cd? My butlding iionors grow tiiick upon me." "Brotlu-i- Smith," began Mr. I>(.iih;iin, "the worldly MEETS A WARM RECEPTION. I51 minded characterize the hloody, the murderous prac- tice of duelHng, as an affair of honor. My good friends and myself, have come to endeavor to convince you, that this view of such sinful ways is not only unchris- tian, hut ^■ery culpable — yea, very criminal." Here the good man ceased to address me, in time to prevent my interruption, and continued, addressing his companions: "Brethren, I think there is, in the case of brother Smith, a mitigating phase; I mean intoxication; which, although a great moral depravity itself — though it is no legal excuse for greater crimes; yet, as it renders the moral perceptions obtuse, then in the broad light of Christian charity, it shows Mr. Smith's contem- plated — not committed crime; that is, it renders the mere intent less, or in other words, if I might so speak, ah—" "Brother Bonham," mildly but firmly interrupted Mr. Wise, a good and discreet man, who was dis- gusted at this incoherent, hypocritical cant, "Don't you think it would be better before the execution, to have a trial and judgment? It is customary. Let us arraign the prisoner, read the indictment, and ask the usual question: guilty or not guilty?" "You are right. Brother Wise," said another good and efficient man, Mr. Milton; "altogether correct. Let us first hear from brother Smith," and with a nod to Mr. Bonham, said: "We've heard your story ; now we'll hear the other side." "Be-ert ah the ah ger-eat ke-ause of te-emperance ah, must be ah," interposed Mr, Goldman. "Also 3'ours, Brother Coldman," promjitly inter- rupted Mr. Milton. "I insist on hearing brother 152 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. Smith's version of the whole affair;" and turning to me, continued: "I hope you'll excuse us for meddling with vour personal affairs. Brother Smith. From my knowledge of your character and standing in the com- munity, I am satisfied you have been seriously, per- haps wantonly, misrepresented as to the drunkenness, and designedly misunderstood in regard to the duel. My apology for this must be found in mv anxiety to ascertain the facts, and then do all I can to avert the evil to you; if there should be anv impending." I thanked Mr. Milton, and told him I was under many obligations for the first sensible and friendly view of a persistently, perhaps maliciously misunder- stood, trivial affair; grossly magnified into serious pro- portions. Here are the facts from beginning to end; form your own estimate of the gravity of the matter, and your own conclusions as to what course is proper to snatch John Smith from a drunkard's grave, pro- vided he is not slain, carved into sausage meat, in this bloody duel. I related what the reader knows. "A tempest in a teapot," said Mr. Wise. "Grand tableau of Pelion on Ossa, with two mole hills," facetiously remarked Mr. Milton. "The judgement of this court of Star Chamber," re- joined Mr.Wise,"is, that the accused, John Smith, stands actjuitted of the manifold charges preferred against him." "Now, Brother Smith, wc will go earnestly to work, forthwith, to appease the formidable Ophcleide," said Mr. Milton; then with a look at Honham and Goldman that was decidedly personal, concludetl, "and set you right with the gossiping community." MEETS A WARM UECEPTION. 153 "Mister vSmith has made no acknowledgements to the session," drawled Mr. Bonham, "and I must with- hold my sanction till some penitence is — " "This august council stands adjourned siJte die P'' exclaimed Mr. Milton, leaving his chair, follow^ed by Wise. Mr. Bonham and the Apostle were splendid pictures of ungratified malice. A. — "John, your details are tiresome." "Yes, when you speak of very tiresome subjects, Bonham and Goldman, they are more than tiresome. They belong to that paradoxical class of harmful good men; while Messrs. Wise and Milton, belong to that orthodox class of doing-good men. It was difficult for me to keep from requesting the paradox gentlemen to vacate my office; but I got satisfaction from the digni- fied, manly snubbing the}' got from the other two su- perior men. Bonham seized his hat and told Goldman: "Gome, brother Goldman, this is no place for the precious pre- cepts of the meek 'and lowly Jesus (what blasphemous arrogance) to be appreciated, nor the counsels of his humble followers to be received." They started. My office was on the second floor of a three story building; a long flight of boxed-in stairs, rising 14^ feet, led uj) from the front. This stairway was not well lighted. Messrs. Bonham and Goldman had descend- ed but a few steps, arm in arm, when up came, with the noise and velocity of three-pound rocket, a counter force. It struck, with a resounding thud, the Apostle — who, as I said before, was a long, lank, lantern-jawed, cavilling, cadaverous caricature on humanity — at a point — 20 le^ JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. just below the waist-band. The shock was terrific. There were three several — nearly simultaneous, but rather shingled over exclamations: First a "me-y Ge-od, ah"— then, "Oh, Lordy— oh"— and then, "what in the divil an' Tarn Wak-r-r-r" — all instantly succeed- ed and slurred over, by a continuous rumbling, bump- ing, scrambling noise, that very rapidly grew fainter as it descended, much like that you've heard at a rail- road coaling station. Messrs. Wise and Milton and myself rushed to the the head of the stairs, and through the cloud of dust intervening indistinctly discerned a mass of very lively arms and legs. The music to this uncouth balmasque was varied to suit the whim of each performer. "Mercy, mercy on thy unfortunate" — "Oh, He-ev- ingly Fe-ather, me-ey me-ortal ste-ummick — the-y se-ervant is se-orly stricken" — "By the howly jimpin' Moses, an' he'll ba a bloody soight worse sthricken nor thit, an' yez don't tak yer windin blads o' ligs afF'n me chist" — and there was a sudden change of partners, a thump — "There!" exclaimed Mr. Flannagan, (for it was Pat) as he extricated himself and sprang to his feet. "By the powers, yez can jist ba afther hilpin yez bhlunderin' silves twill yer pigs, for all Mr. Flinnigin '11 hilp yez. To rin over a nion inthirely, thit's goin pace-ibly ip to say the docther. An' how the divil did yez know whither Pse kimming ip wid baith o' me ligs broken close afF twill mc body to have 'cm set — an' to thrate a puir cripple that away; away wid yez baith, or its mcsilf as 'al have yez arristed for 'salt an' bathery, be dad, I will." My companions aiul myself went to care for the MEETS A WARM RECEPTION. 1 55 fallen heroes, but not, however, in time to save brother Goldman some additional punishment; as his position was extremely vulnerable, and one of Ophcleide's Ger- man friends mistaking this tumble for the beginning of the duel, rushed up and administered several vigor- ous kicks before he discovered his mistake. We assisted these two unfortunate men to their feet. I proffered to furnish restoratives to brother Goldman, but he very snappishly refused them, and asked to be helped to a neighboring drug store, to which he went half-bent, with both hands pressed over the region of his 'mortal stummick' — limping and groaning at every step. At the drug store he was soon revived with his usual prescription: R. Spts. Frument; do. Spts. Menth. pip. ad lib. The two sensible preachers left me, to do a good work. Pat had gone up to my office — I followed. On entering, I found Pat standing, with the crown of his hat telescoped half way, and his face wearing a com- pound expression of deference, penitence and fun. He removed his hat on my entrance, discovering a fresh bandage around his head, which surgical appliance covered, on one side of the head, a contusion about the size Bud shape of a longitudinal sectioij of a goose egg. Pat tenderly caressed the bump with the tactus eriidi- tus^ then eyeing the hat with a serio-comic expression, spake : "By the powers, thit ould pious church-staple ov a chicken had an almoighty tough gizzard in 'im. Inny ways, if he niver did bayfore, it's mesilt as thinks he had 'is bow'ls o' compassion will stirred for once in 'is borrun days." 156 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "So I should think," I repHed; "and it must have been a stony gizzard to lower that hat crown so much in one direction, and raise that bump so high in the opposite. You must have got that on the staircase." "Och, an' yer haner is rifirin' to thit badge o' dis- tinction ?" queried Pat, touching the contusion. "Faith an' thit rewarud o' mirit was handed to Misther Flin- nigin, by a moightier soight skilfuller warkman nor thim ould mateless skillitons, the bones o' the silf same I hilped to play sich a jolly rattlin' jig clane all the blissid way down j'cr stairs, twill ther sthrate in- tirely." "I'm sorry, Mr. Flannagan, j^ou ran against Mr, Goldman; I presume it was accidental?" I rather questioned. "Yis, yis; ixidintal shure, that's the worud. Yez say it was mcsilf as was in a monsthracious hurry to ra-turrun, ahid o' the shillalah horunpipe, wi thim krout atin' pipers, an' shure, how could I iver, wi' me salve rag, (bandage) an' me hat pulled down to concale the same, kape me papers skinned clane all the way twill the tap o' ver lang stairs, and thin, intirely to the tap o' thim lang hungry spalpeens? He'd inny foight- in' as yit? I d to light a duel with that M I. 0])h(li-idc- ; I know you ha\e more respect for ADDITIONAL CALORIC. I 63 yourself, if you have no love or respect for your wife. Oh, husl)and, don't, don't do it." Just at this juncture I saw the warlike expression of the tragic muse, and the angry forces made an irresist- ahle charge on my thin line of decorum; it wavered and broke; and then 1 spoke — "Do you think I'm a fool? Do you believe, without investigation, all you hear? In short, Mrs. Smith, have you lost sight of the important fact that I am John Smith? — honest John Smith?" Smoothing out one wrinkle of her "grim-visaged front," Mrs. Sharpnose said — "La, Mr. Sm.ith, you oughter know folks will talk." "I am aware, madam, they will talk, much more than they think; invent a subject matter, if they have no basis in truth; talk their neighbors out of character, out of business, out of prosperity to ruin, out of san- ity to madness, out of life to suicide, I replied, grandly. But w^hy this visit?" "Oh, dear John, I was told that you wanted to, and was going to fight a duel," resumed my wife, "with a Mr. Ophcleide, on account of Miss Gay (great Caesar, thought I), when I, John, your faithful wife, am delv- ing at home, as Mr. Sharpnose says, in unsuspecting innocence, to save all I can, and be a good wife to you." This put to rout my entire line of decorous defense, and with the hopeless heroic determination of striking, single handed, one final blow at the surging, angry masses of bristling emotions, I said : "My dear wife, you are excited; you have been im- 164 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. posed upon; misled. This is no place for you. Do go home; I'll explain all when I come to dinner." Mrs. Sharpnose, with one or two extra wrinkles on her corrugated brow, said: "For myself, 1 think your poor wife's got a mfghty sight to bear, 1 do; and I don't see how she can ever stand it, I don't." "Madam," I retorted, rather scornfully, "are you not encouraging my wife in this worse than foolish move? Have you not neglected your own affairs, to meddle with ours, in such a way as to induce my wife to be- lieve there was somethmg terribly wrong." This brought Mrs. Sharpnose to a woman's last and strongest argument, tears. When she answered: "Mr. Smith, boo I hoo! I only boo! thought as how boo! hoo I hoo! I was doin' of your boo! hoo! poor sufferin' wife a gr-great fa-favor." "Doubtless you thought it was a great favor,'' I re- plied, with irony. "1 know you so thought; so do you; that is, you are aware of the fact that you got this dis- agreeable phase of the duel up for t lie sole purpose of conferring this great favor. No doubt you propose to increase the magnitude of the favor, by pushing this slanderous view of the affair to its worst possible re- sults. You can see that I highly appreciate this fa- vor." Then addressing Mrs. Smith: "Now, my wife, believe me as you ought, in preference to tattlers, when 1 tell you this is all bosh; all tomfoolry — all got- ten up by designing persons, aided by malicious per- sons, the one to fret you and me, the other to influence this election. Pav nle vvoiiiaii. Til explain all when I come." "I'll bet you cant''' — twist of the head from vSharp- nose. "Maybe I have clone wrong, but you must know 1 (lid what I tho — what Mrs. Sharpnose said was the best, and she seemed to know more — " "I don't wish to know what Mrs. Sharpnose said or did," I interrupted. Here "I don't wonder" sneer from Mrs S. "Do tell me, my wife, in as few words as you can, what you did," I insisted. "Mrs. Sharpnose said," again began Mrs. Smith. "I don't wan't ever to know what Mrs. Sharpnose said," I again interrupted, tartly. "I'll have you to understand, Mr. John Smith," be- gan Mrs. Sharpnose, with a fire-cracker delivery, "my sayin's is as good as your sayin's, and my doin's is a 'nufF sight better'n your doin's, and you needn't turn up your nose at as good folks as you dare to be, any day; jist because you got that (denomination for 'mare' of a little ole one-boss town — so I do; there!" After this bunch of explosives were exhausted, Mrs. Sharpnose tied her bonnet-strings with a correspond- ing snappishness that threatened strangulation, gave her head a spasmodic toss, and with a snappo-sensatio- lachrymal accent, said — "Come on, sister Smith, I'm not agoin' to stand here and be abused, and see you, poor creatur, treated like a Gallilee slave, I ain't!" and she started. My wife hesitated; I was indifferent; thinking it l6S JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. was the best way to end the disagreeable interview till I could explain to my wife at home. I was satisfied Mrs. Sharpnose could not be driven away till she heard the last word. "Well," I remarked carelessly. "Well?" echoed my wife, inquiringly. "Well!" snapped Mrs. Sharpnose, sneeringly. "John, I was going to tell you all about it, but you won't let me," said my wife. "Well, go on now and tell it in your own way. I'm resigned; my time is worth nothing. "Well, I was gfoing to tell you," she resumed, "Mrs. Sharpnose said it was the best way to have Mr. Oph- cleide bound over to keep the peace ; that was the way her husband did when Mr. Filkins was going to fight him; and to see a lawyer, and as Mr. Sleek's office was on our way, and she told me he was the best one, we went there to get his advice." "You did? That was very wise." "Tni afraid you don't think so." "Oh, you ought be to cautious, you know; first get the advice of a discreet, peace-loving friend (?) and next, get the best legal counsel from an honest lawyer) then you aif right." Mrs. Sharpnose, either too obtuse to sec the irony, or so disgustingly egotistic as to assume that she was discreet and peace-loving, 1 couldn't say which — smiled approval. "Yes, I think so," I rei)lic'(l, ironically, "(io on with y our story.'' "Mr. Sleek tolti us il was customary to get out a Ai>i)n loNAi- cAJ.oiuc. 169 peace wanaiit, and bind over the parties to keep the peace; and, like a gentleman, said he'd first have Mr. Ophcleide arrested right away." "Thunder! He did.?" "Yes, wasn't that right? I dichi't want you carved to death with a great broadsword." I told Mrs. Smith it was not exactly right; that Mr. Sleek was more to blame than she. I explained the whole affair the best I could; emphasizing the facts, that there had been no challenge; no pistols and coffee for two; no broadswords; no cutlasses, cannon or co- lumbiads, but simply a blunder, mutual, growing out of the fact that neither one of us understood the lan- guage of the other. I supposed the very good legal advice she had received, had jDrevented Mr. Ophcleide from calling on me at ten o'clock, when we were to have the misunderstanding explained. That I must look him up, not to fight him, but to get him out of this annoying predicament. That was all; the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, to believe it, and no- thing to the contrary, from any source; and go home like a good woman. She went, followed by the Sharp- nose, whose tragic mien, and martial tread, and em- jjhatic slam of the door as she swept grandly out, made me cower with apprehension — that the end was not yet. Hello! Here comes that sky-rocket, Flannagan, up. I knew his mitrailleuse step. He shot through the door without knocking, his impetus was so great. "Well, Pat, you delivered the note?" I remarked interrogatively. "Arrah! love yer sowl" — here Mr. Flannagan had lyo JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. to pause for breath, he was "blowed," as professionals term it. After several spasmodic inspirations, he re- sumed — "An' its mesilf as did thit silf-same" — and he aj^ain ceased from exhaustion. "What tires you so, Mr. Flannagan? You must have been running." "Not rinnin (deep inspiration) bat a bit o' tall wark- in' — vez say whin I — coom'd twill — twill Mr. Hanner's stoor — an' jist as I was aboot to inter — go in the silf- same, what — iver does yez haner think — think — iksipt — tap, tap, kam an the showldher o' Misther Flinnigin. Och, its mesilf as knowed thit same tap, taj), an' also the jint as does sich; but yez say, I tindcd loike as I was in the daruk — an' turerning all o' a suddint, wi' me insthrumint riddy, sez I, 'an' what the divil manes all this row ? Can't a mon bay goin' afther a bit o' an arrant widout some middlesome spalpeen must bay shivin o' his face intwill it? By the howly Saint Path- erick, what iver is it yez want wi' Mr. Flinnigin ther dav?' Yer haner moost a parsayved thit Misther Flinnigin parsayved it war the same as the mairshal, wid a lagildockymint in 'is fist; an' its mesilf as knows thim papers at soight, an' sez 'c to me — sez 'e, Misther Flinnigin, you'r moi prisoner. Thit's jist for all the worruld what 'e said." "You were arrested; I thought as much. You must excuse me, Mr. Flannagan, foi- appearing to send you where vou would be arrested.; I was anxious to settle that other matter of the duel. You would have been, sooner or later, taken into custody and lined or im- prisoned. I nieanl no liann. 1 will pay your fine ADDITIONAL CALORIC. I71 and the costs in the case of assault against IJlackniau this time, Pat, because you are honest and acting ac- conHng to your education by poHticians, who care more for themselves than you. But you must ne\er, if you want me for a friend, think that you must fight, and fight all the time, or involve yourself in all sorts of difticulties, to prove that you are an honest, faithful fellow, and a true friend. What did the marshal do with you? How did you deliver the note after arrest? How much was the fine and costs? or, if it was neces- sary, who went your bail?" "Dalavar ther note? Afther mearrist? What iver was ther fine? An' who iver wint me bail?" asked Pat, with a stare of blank astonishment, these excla- mative questions. "Yes, Mr. Flannagan, how did you manage it?" "Will, by the howly jimpin Moses! an' if yez ba so badly outen it as to balave Pat Flinnigin is arristed, thin yez haner wud stind a poverty-sthricken show amang thim gintiles, an' shure yer wud," and Pat gave me a commiserating glance. "You told me you were taken into the custody of the city marshal, as you were entering Mr. Honore's door." "Faith an' thit's thru as praichmint, boot yer haner kens 'there's mony a slip twaxt coop an' lap,' " and winking at me, Mr. Flannagan continued: "An' so yez say, Mr. Patherick Flinnigin o' Tipperary, bain pacibly inclined, an' falin liberal, jist tho't 'e'd give the mairshal baith ther coop an' ther slip, as the coop moight ba a wee bit bitther an' not the koind Mis- 172 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. ther Flinnigin loikes, an' the slip was for all the wor- ruld the one fur to hind an afficer, ha! ha! ha!" and Pat gave me a triumphant look. "But how did you get out of the custody of the officer?" "Kistoody?" he repeated, "an' thit's what yer afther callin' the arrist? an' as I bafore, praviously, racintly said, ther afficer gintly tapped me an ther showlder, an' it's mesilf as was wishin' afther a harder rhap, for the laist bit o' cashus belly {casus belli) an', I'm think- ing thit worud," said Pat, parenthetically, "is from ould Cash Clay, the abolitioner, as had sich a sthrong stummick for foightin'; boot inny ways, all that Pat Flinnigin hoaned fur, was a smarut rap an' the hid wi' his batten, instid o' a gintle tap an the showlder wi' his paw; thin yez say I wad have bin jistifiable in the returrurnin o' his plisint saloot wi' me favorite in- sthramint," and here Pat gave his shillalah an extra flourish. "Pat, you haven't yet told nic how you settled the matter of arrest. Let me know, that I can settle it." "Arrist? Nivcr a bit o' that in Misther Flinnigin's. An' shure there's nithin twil sittle as yit — an' beggin' pairdon, as I was wishin' fur a cashus billy, or pravo- cation, I forgot all the toimc as to tlic how's o' it, I did git away." "How did von manage it, Pat?" I impatiently in- sisted. "An' il" 1 nioost, thin I moost," answered Pat, rather unwillingJN. "^'c/. sa\, wliin thit silf same showlder- strap gintly tapped me an the showlder, an' ramarkcd, in swate terrums, tint I was 'is mate, (meat) fur 'salt ADDITIONAL CALROIC. I 73 an' battery, I jist tauUl 'im thit 1 was in a (li\il o' a thirry wid a jewel missige, an' plaze abide by tbe door twill I coomed agin, an' I wad convarse wid 'im. Wad yez ivver think, boot 'e did thit silf same. I thin pushed sthraighl fur Misther Ilonore's private room, an' gav' 'im ther note in parson. He rid it, an' sez 'e, yez can till Misther Smith thit I'll tind to it im- magiately. Thin siz I, Misther Ilonore, I'm a wee bate the worus fur brith, have yez as mooch as a dhrink o' wather by yez? There's wather in the boo- ket, sez 'e; an' sez 1,1 loikes moine frish; an sez e', thin go twill ther poomj) in ther back yarud. By St. Patherick, this was the virra worud thit I was fishin' fur. Yez can jist bet yer sowl Misther Flinnigin wastid no toime, an' as I had businiss thit was urgin' o' me to go through ther tin shap an ther ither sthrate, I imbraced the invitin' apperchunity, an wint — an' here is Misther Flinnigin, as I praviously ramarkt — at yer sairvice." "And the marshal, where is he?" I asked with con- cern. "Och! an' I guiss I moost hiv overlookt 'im in me haste to bering yez th^ woruds of Misther Ilanner." replied Pat, with a comic expression. "Then you evaded the officer, after you were under arrest? That's all wrong, Pat." "Invadid 'im! Not a bit ov it; thit's jist for all the worruld what 'ud a plazed Pat Flinnigin, to had a thrial o' insthrumints will 'im. Invadid 'm? — not at all, at all." And Pat thouu see this con- tractor, who speaks nothing but l'2nglish, is also a Jones man." MERCURY ASCENDING. 179 "Is it possible that such dirty, httlc tricks — 1 was about to say, so far beneath the level of common hon- esty, l)ut will leave honesty entirely out and sav — so far below the scum of common meanness, that a man of ordinary integrity never even dreams of their exis- tence, much less stoops to recognize them; should be practiced to accomplish such an important end as the election of a trustworth}- servant for the people?" "Aye, John, it's not only possible and probable, but practical and practiced — many such tricks, and of their magnitude and variety, in some cases, you have as yet formed no conception." "1 don't wish to see them on a larger scale," I aii- sweretl. "What did Mr. Ophcleide do, or say?" "He said," continued llonore, "that you made a con- tract, without price, for music at the beer garden, Sun- day; that this morning, when he called for the money, you denied it and challenged him to fight a duel at 10 o'clock, at your office. I laughed at him, and explained in German how it was. He saw the mistake, and laughed too; then told me it was all right. 1 was vexed though, at the ill-advised precipitancy of your friends in having him imprisoned." "Imprisoned? Is that so? Let's go and get him out forthwith," said I, rising. "I remember Mr. Flan- nagan telling me he guessed Mr. Ophcleide was 'lookin' thro' the tin o' dimonts.' Come!" "Keep your seat, John," commanded Honore. "The Herr is free again. I was told some time before I got your note, that Mr. Sleek had placed him under bond of $2,000, to keep the peace; which bond, of course, his cautious friends would not endorse. So to jail he went. I went on the bond, and had him released in a l8o JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. few moments after the key was turned on him. He was happy. The exphination was easy, and I cau- tioned him against a few well known bummers; for which he thanked me sincerely." "I'm under a thousand obligations to you," I grate- fully said. "Oh no; not at all," he answered. "I must go. Any thing else I can do?" "No; except, if you see Mr. Ophcleide, send him to me, as I wish to pay him something for his services under the misunderstanding." "Oh, that's all right, John. He's satisfied; happy as a lark, and no doubt drinking ein, zwei hundert glas bier to Herr Schmidt. Good bye. Go ahead." And this good, very good, man was gone. If one tithe of our public men were like unto him, then a po- litical millennium would not be far olF. A. — "Wasn't it about time you were getting around among the boys, John, if you were going to run?" That is just what was passing through my mind at that time. 1 didn't know just wlierc to start, or any thing about it; hut knew 1 had to do something; wished I'd asked llonore. You sec, they had torn me all to pieces, and hadn't given me time, between aggra- vations, to collect myself, much less time to electioneer. I concluded to go out and walk around any how, and see a few friends. Taking my hat, I was on the point of leaving, when up came an impudent, snub-nosed, rcd-liaired, freckled-faced ^oy, witli a folded paper in his hand: tlirusting the paper at mc in an insolent manner, lie growled: "Mr. Slick says as how he wants you lo settle this little ^viUiam' riglil olf." MERCURY ASCENDING. iSl "Mr. Sleek? Little William ?— that your name? Well," and by this time I had the paper unfolded, and saw the purport of it — antl remarked : "William, this seems to be a hill for legal advice, and—" "Lordy, ain't you green, the'; didn't you never hear us hoys call 'imi williams, for a joke. ]M\- name's not William, nor nary H'lW. I'm Sam Stallins — the boys calls me turke\'-aig vSam — cos my phvsimahog's freck- led." Thus didactically discoursed this street Bedouin. "I don't wish any more remarks, William — or Sam," I said, seeing the impudent little scamp was trying to poke fun at me. A. — "John, I'm inclined to the hoy's opinion." "Yes, I admit I was green, very, then; 1 think I tougliened some since. Here's that hill of Sleek's. It makes me mad ri^l know MERCURY ASCENDING. I9I best, but I would advise you to decline. There is some traitor in the camp stirrinj^ up the Irish democrats against you. Your true friend, Farrin. When you compare the contents of that note with what Blackman did and said, would it be too incredu- lous to doubt this true friend? A. — "Not much. Here's — " [No. 6. — Personally Selfish?[ Hon. John Smith, M. D. — Dear Friend: I have been actively engaged in a thorough canvass in your behalf. I'll continue the good work till the last stronghold of the enemy is captured. Any sugges- gestions? If so, like to communicate. All O. K. so far. This is between us. Y'rs Politically and Frat'ly, Dyer P, Hanos. P. S. Could you support me for City Marshal ? D. P. II. [No. 8. — Honestly Confidcntial.\ Dr. John Smith: I write this to inform you that that humbug Irishman and pretended Catholic, Farrin, IS not fit to trust. He pretends in a place where you have got friends to be sorter for you, but always says something bad. I tried him on this morning, pretend- ing that I was for Jones, and I nabbed him the slickest. He is a snake in the grass. Y'rs truly, Mike. [No. 9. — Domestically Avenging?[ Mister doctor John Smith Sir I shill expext you to render dew^ appollergy to my wife Sary Ann Sharp- 19- JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. nose for your uiijentelmanly langwidge and coiiduc toads the same whilst pressence in 3'our doctor shop this morning. You can do so by eyther word of mouth or virbul. Y'rs, Phii^ander Sharpnose. p. S. My wife makkes me write this to you. P.S. A. — "Which form of 'ajopollergy' did you adopt, 'yirbul or word of mouth ?' " "Neither. The apology in the P. S.- was ample. Most through with your everlasting classitication ?" A. — "Only one more." [No. 10. — Purely Honest?^ Dear John: You are really going to run for olhce. ril support you with all my might. Let me say can- didly, as you always wish a friend to talk, T think you are a D. F. You can interpret these initials truthfully as meaning a Dear Fellow — or equally truthful, oth- crivz'se, as you deem proper. Y'rs, &c., C. Andor. A. — "Now, John, I have culled this motle}' mass — I can think of no other name — of political Hy-blows. Nearly all of them, with one or two rare exceptions, act as such on tlic body politic. They are deposited by those swarms of miseralije insects that instincti\ ely foresee corruption. 1 have given a sample of the Re- ligious, Moral, the Etiiical, National, Political, Finan- cial, Social and Personal. There is, in nearly ull, the never varying characteristic: that is, they arc directly or indirectly — for No. I financially. Who was Mr. C. Andor? The signature is evidently a uo/n dc fl Killed MERCURY ASCENDING. '93 "Yes; he was one of my best friends." A. — "I should think as much from the tenor of the note." "Why?" A. — "Because it was very good advice if you had taken it. You didn't need the office; it cost money, time and trouble; didn't pay. You made active ene- mies, lost passive friends; you were considered honest before, doubted by some after; you lost half the confi- dence you had in human nature and honesty, which goes far to mar your happiness in this world. All this you lost, and for what in exchange? The doubt- ful honor of running for an annoying office in a third rate city." "Then the D. F. isn't far wrong?" A. — "No, truly. Let's rest till to-morrow night." —25 ly4 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "XIIth night. OR, WHAT YOU WILL." "When I was on my way to dinner — " A. — "To dinner? Did they give you time for meals?" "Not much. However, I was on the way to this one meal, when I was accosted by a boy, who thrust at me a bank bill, remarking" — "Pap says that's 'founterkit,' an' ain't wuth shux." "What do you mean, my son? What can I do for" you?" "The ole rooster said as how's I'sc to see yer," an- swered this filial Arab, "an' git a good un fer it." I examined the bill and found it a base counterfeit. I then asked the boy who was his father, and how and when he got that bill. "I'^lunxy an' Yin an' lilacky calls 'im Bogus I>ill — an' most evcrylioch, but 'taint 'is name: 'is right name is William Arndul," he explained. "^'cs, I recollect, his wife and children are sick; how is your mother? How maii\' cliildrcn arc tiierc?" "vSick !" he exclaimed in astonishment. "Yes, w)ur fatluT (old me that slic and two children were sick." "Sick! (jcewliilikins," here he whistled and repeat- t'd, "Sick! well, I wonder ef the ole rooster tolc sicli "ok what vou will. HJ^ a dogoned lie — sick! ef you'd 'r seed her vv:illop the oie chicken his' night for com in' at niichiight chuck full or rotgut, yer'd think she warnt ailin considhul." "The children are sick? How are they?" "Well, ef I aint kerflummux'd!" he exclaimed, with affectionate pathos. "Don't the ole skeezicks heat all fer whappers? Ther aint but us two — Bil an' me. IJil run away las' week — nary children sep me. 1 aint ailin' no considhul." "I was almost convinced that Mr. Arndul had made some false statements to me, from the fact that — " A. — "Almost convinced! John, don't sa\- any more concerning that kind of credulity. It's incredible itself as Arndul's statements." I proposed in this to give as near as I could remem- ber, what occurred in that canvass. I take your view now, but then, I won't say I was more charital)lc, but far less suspicious; and thus L was subjected to all kinds of imposition. But to resume: I told the boy there was some mis- take, and asked him why he came to me with the counterfeit bill? to which he replied: "Pap said he got it frum you at the trial, an' he wants good spondulixis fer it." "I told the boy I would see his father, but couliln't promise to make good the bad bill." He moved off reluctantly, muttermg: "Jis the way them big folks git rich, give poor folks bad sponds an' keep good ones." I thought of Pat's hint, "a pussy in the male toob," concerning this sick man, and went on to dinner. Ar- riving at my home, I was met at my gate by a man, who said he had just called to see me. He wore the 196 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT, haggard, haunted look, full of that indescribable appre- hension that cha]"acterizes a case of delirium tremens. I supposed he was some victim of intemperance, who had called for professional advice. His manner was mysteriously confidential, his voice a sepulchral stage whisper. I met him with my usual, "What can I do for you?" He plucked me aside, though there was not a soul in sight, and — just here, you can stick a long parenthetical space, and wait, for the interview, till I have filled the space. I had been accommodated so often durhig this brief canvass, and I presume other candidates have been pleased occasionally by this same confidential class, that I have wished to capture one of the rarest specimens, in order to describe them all. They all practice the same profession, but like the doc- tors, in different ways, for the benefit of novelty. The science is not inaptly termed buttonholing. There is but one serious objection to this name, and that is, no set of buttonholes a candidate could have built in a coat, even if it were a coat of mail, could stand the wear and tear. Again, it may be said that the button- hole holt is not the very best holt, though so consid- ered by many practitioners. flic age and strength of the coat involve too many uncertainties, whereby the game may escape. Other methods, equally successful, have been in vogue for a long time, to-wit: the single antl double shoulder grip: and also the digital abduc- tive grip. I'he single shoulder grip is performed by an expert willi a vigorous slaj) on the shoidder, that is intended to, and does, startle and disconcert the victim like the swoop ol" a bird of prey, while the claws arc gradually tightened, and you are dragged aside and leisurely devoured. The double shoulder grip is 2)rac- "or what you will." igj ticed generally by real or very presuming friends. The self-assenting, self-confident friend, or presuming ac- quaintance, comes boldly to the front, seizes you on either shoulder, presses you to the wall, and if he's got bad teeth, eats onions or Limburger, smokes or chews, drinks lager or whisky (but it's rare you find such vicious habits among politicians), then this method is intensely interesting; you enjoy it with a zest that's soul-inspiring — especially if the friend is one you don't like much any way. This is the favorite method of the maudlin, slavering, intoxicated friend; then you take more interest in what he says, and enjoy hugely the /e/c a'tctc^ which is as close as two billing doves. The digital grip method is practiced by the ostenta- tiously busy, passing friend, who, in his hurry, seizes your hand, and with a hearty shake, and "how are you?" jerks you out of an interesting group, retain- ing one of your fingers, by which he leads you olF some paces, feasts on your time and patience ad libi- tum; still holding the finger till the last word; when he reluctantly yields to your continued efforts to re- lease the finger, and goes away. There is one secret about this method; that is, as soon as you succeed in recapturing your finger, this kind of practitioner con- siders the case gone, the confidential interview closed. There are many other methods besides these more popular ones, but they must be left und escribed. If that hypothetical reader should wish to learn and prac- tice them, he should go to the best school, that is, run for office. Should he succeed in securiuiif :in office in- volving the distribution of any loaves and fishes, then he can acquire absolute perfection during his official term. 198 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. A. — "What about the man at the gate?" "I'm coming down to him. As I said, he's one of the rare specimens. He belongs to the secret signal corps of the mysterious, incomprehensible brigade. I left his method out of the description, because it is rather irregular; it's unaccountable; that is, you can't imagine, when a man seeks such confidential talk, when there is not a soul within a mile, why it is he still plucks you aside, with an apprehensive look this way and that, before he opens his battery. The mysterious air of his variety renders you vaguely un- comfortable till he whispers his tale; very often more uneasy afterwards; because you don't know what he means after he's said his 'say'. He is great on am- biguities, double-entendres, innuendos, insinuations, hints, far-fetched inferences, strained and forced con- structions; in short, he deals exclusively in all the va- rious shades and styles of incomprehsible expressions. His method is as irregular as his practice; ordinarily, though, he performs in the following manner: Victim on the street, usually (for the mysterious aside plucker knows that walls have ears) engaged in interesting conversation with several friends; about to make a laughable or culminating point, when your viz a viz, who has seen the secret signal, suddenly checks you, and says, pointing over your shoulder, "there's a gen- tleman that wishes to speak to yon." \ On don't like the interruption, but lliiiiking the importance ol" the communication will justify it, \ou go straightway, with a vivid impression of self-importance, lie is six rods a\va\, lull In- removes you stealthil\ furlhc-i- away to llu- ])arti:il coxering of a lamp-post, shadr Ii\t, or re- "uK WHAT von WILL." ICJt) cess of an entr)-. Here, after lookiiij^ anxiously to all points of the comj^ass, soundin*^ his footing, and tak- ing a concluding glance heavenward, he hisses, in a husky, blood-curdling whisper — "Have you seen the old sockdolager on his high guUenflip yet?" "The what?" "Yes, well it's all right! Of course, you must be non-commital." "I don't understand you." "Guess not. We'll drop that if it's disagreeable," he continues. "I w^anted to ask you if old highfalutin has come to terms, or docs he mean to play the lilack Crook on you?" "You must be more explicit; I don't comprehend your meaning." "Oh, well! you needn't be afraid of me," huffily; then concluding, "Though I guess it's best not to say too much. Think it's going to rain? Will fish bite to-morrow?" "Oh, blame your fish, what do wish to tell me?" you ask imj^atiently. "Ah, I see you are up to snuff; it'll all be right. I'll see you again" — and this specimen of the mysterious and unaccountable, confidential interviewer, leaves yf)u well repaid for the interruption. A. — "Well, does that fill the parenthetical space? If so, go on and tell what the man at the gate said." "He plucked me off a rod to the trunk of a sIkkIc- tree, when he began the following lucid and highly satisfactory colloquy, by remarking: 200 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "I don't want to mention any names, though I might as were tryin' to git you into a peck o' trouble." "Who? What kind of trouble?" "I found out one o' them gents that's lookin' out for number one," he continued, "has sent, or been, or writ to a certain party, that told old Flimmijig he knowed a man that stood mighty high that wasn't as good as he mought be." I was impatient, hungr}^; told him I was in a hurry, must go to my dinner, and if he wished to say any- thing to do so. "That's just the way with some folks," he resumed in a disappointed tone; "when a man wants to tell them something for their own good, they don't think it's worth listenin' to " "You are mistaken," I replied, "I'm ready to listen to anything you have to say; but speak out plainly, and let me hear what it is." My manner was too discouraging to him; he mum- bled a few more incoherent, meaningless words, by way of excuse to get away — and away he went. I went in to dinner, desperately hungry, with the das- tardly intent, if my wife was still on the aggressive, to overwhelm her with the notes and duns, and threats and suits, and further charges, pecuniary and criminal, from Judas Iscariot Sleek. My war-like designs were frustrated, when I found her in bed, sick; yes, sick with (lie continued annoy- ances of this campaign. I was not astonished ; almost felt sick nivself 1 tried to cheer her; told her the duel was all arranged; no lighting; all was serene. 'oh what you WII.I,." 201 I learned the widow Gay's first husband's sister-in-law and Mrs. Sharpnose had been telHng my wife of the shuider suit; that it would cost me thousands of dollars if 1 didn't repair hastily to Mr. Sleek, and compromise, by paying five hundred dollars. I then told my wife it was all bosh; nothing in it, and went to the dining- room to a cheerless and meager repast. I thought of the thorny paths of ambition while I munched cold bread and drank buttermilk; entertained a gosling idea of the fruition of my hopes, when I desserted on the last quarter section of a canned ffoose-h^xxy pie. After this sumptuous repast, I gave my wife some valerian and advice, and — "Go lang wid yez. It's mesilf as anly wishes thit yez was only me soize or bigger, an' I'd fale o' thit cockanit hid a spell, yer blatherin' thafe o' ould Nach." Methought I knew the dulcet tones of that harp o' "Tearer's hauls," and throwing myself into a listening attitude, heard this plaintive response: "You jis let me alone, confound yer — Eres Y'extra Pudcum number 4, all bout John Smith passin count- fit money an — " here the cry was interrupted by a lively chase down the sidewalk. Going out, for I was ready to go down town, I saw Mr. Flannagan returning from the chase, brandishing his shillalah with one hand, while he triumphantly held aloft a batch of Extras, No. 4, with the other; shaking his head dcfiantlv and remarking "to whom it might concern:" "An' it taks Misther Flinnigin, o' Tipperary, to dale wid sich an' taich 'em bitter manners an' to coom —26 202 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. al aroun' a mon's privat dwilling, bellowln' out bloody lies an' shlander" — and Pat tore the Extras to pieces before I could remonstrate, and throwing down the fragments, exclaimed — "There! An' may the divil tak sich!" Latest from the retreating, though apparently un- conquered representative of the press, was a report that came to our ears from an adjacent street corner, as follows: "Never mind, you contrived, knock-kneed, bandy- legfired, rib-nosed baboon of a red-mouthed Paddv. I'll fix you" — and addressing his concluding remarks to me, "An' you ole humbug of an honest Johny, I'll put you in the tenipentiary for shovin' the queer" — and if the little heathen didn't repeat that same insulting maneuvre of his thumb to his nose and twirling his fingers at me, before he disappeared around the street corner. "Pat," I said, "you have done wrong, very wrong. I'm sorry." "Wrang, yez say? An' isn't it a moighty lang soight wranger to pooblish an' scather bloody shlan- derin lies on a gud mon? I'd bay afther knowin'?" "Yes, that is also wrong, Mr. Flannagan, Init our laws and customs allow it, and it is the great preroga- tive of our free press system." "An' may the divil fly away wid sich laws an' sich costums, an' all yez prayrogatooms an' fra prissis an' sastems an' all sich blatherin' blarney fur all thit Path- erick Flinnigin cares;" and Patpausetl a moment with this as a "whereas," then went on with the resolution. "or what you will," 303 "Here's the huldie-book as will joomp intircly ferniuts all sich blalherin' bosh, an' invisti<^ate all sich vvraugs wid his shillalah." Pity a majority of our judicial decisions didn't con- tain as much straightforward, uncompromising justice, followed by the same prompt and fearless execution. I asked Pat what he wished? "To till yez consarnin o' that thraiter Farrin. It's no more nor a momint or so sin' I made a sthrikin ob- sarvation twill one o' his crawnies," replied Pat, with emphasis on "sthrikin." "You didn't have another fight?" I asked, fearing the repeated introduction of Pat's favorite amusement into the canvass was likely to prove disagreeably mo- notonous. "Not a bit o' it," promptly denied Pat, "only he sid Misther Farrin tould 'im yer haner wasn't the clane thing — yez had shooved a splurious counterfate bell an 'im, an' all in the wide worruld Mister Flinnigin tlun was to raply in me virra moildest tarrums — only wan ov me wakest saloots — whin he jintly tak a sate — an' biggcd me pairdon. Thit was all, shure — no foightin' — laistways on the pairt o' the pairty o' the sickond pairt." "Did you strike him? Who was it?" "Jist the jintlest hint in the wide worruld to bay sated: — 'es ther silf-samc as thit Arrurndal, the sack mon." During this conversation, I had picked ujo enough pieces of Extra No. 4 to patch up and decipher the following : 204 john smith, democrat. "Johnny Persistently Insists on Defeat! After Disqualifying Himself by Sending a Challenge! — Shows the White Feather! — A Friend Adjusts it — Unwittingly(?)Shoves the Queer! — Slanders a Poor, Innocent Girl! — Encounters the Law provided for such! — Insults a Worthy Lady in his own Office! — Is Called to Account by a Justly Enraged Husband!" A. — "John, I can't copy this any further, as it is bad- ly patched, and only an exaggerated repetition of what has preceded." "Well, leave it to the imagination of my hypotheti- cal reader; though he must have a very vivid and in- ventive one to garble, twist and distort, for any pur- pose, such trivial occurrences into grave crimes and misdemeanors." A.— "Well ?" I was on the point of starting for my office, when Mr. Philander Sharpnose, the "justly enraged hus- band," passed hurriedly by without speaking. lie eyed Pat's "insthrumint" apprehensively; quickened his pace, looking back over his shoulder every few steps, till Mr. Flannagan and 1 started in the same direction. Mr. Flannagan, with the eye of a cotinoisscur^ took in the situation: "Thil's ther bugger, an' I mistak not, is ther silf same as is afliier callin' ov yer haner twill accoont for insooltin' ov 'is nadle-nosed, carroty-hidiil bitter half?" said Pat, interrogatively. "OR WHAT YOU WILL. 205 "Yes; don't speak so of the ladies. The man has been misled by his wife." "Lit's vvark oop a bit loivcly," continuetl he; "an' fale o' the inimy's sthrength, as they tanum it in ther airumy." Without much increase of speed, Pat, by making shorter, quicker, emphatic resounding steps, produced an effect on the progress of Mr. Sharpnose that was ludi- crous. Manifestly, his ear was set for such music in the rear, and as soon as the sound of Pat's accelerated foot- falls fell on his tympanum, he cast a fearful glance over his shoulder, and walked faster, quicker, double-quick around the first corner out of sight. On reachintr the cross street we got a glimpse of his coat-tails stream- ing straight out behind as he flashed around the cor- ner a block away. "lla! ha! ha!" laughed Pat, pointing his "insthru- mint" in the direction of the vanishing hero. "An' did yez haner iver see the loike in yer borun days.? Called twill 'accoont by the jistly enraged hisband,' an' it's a small bill yez'll have to sittle in that quarther, shure." Mr. Sharpnose had doubtless learned that Mr. B'lan- nagan was my fast friend — also Pat's skill and readi- ness in "phranoligical iximinations," and not wishing a chart of his cranium, gat him away. Pat refused to go to the office with me; I again asked him to quit fighting; told him the marshal would like- ly be after him for striking Mr. Arndul; to let me know if arrested, and to be sure and not light any more. "An' shure it's loike dhrawin' o' me eyetaith twill 2o6 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. pramise so mooch. I'll thry inny ways for a wae spell. An' good afthernoon twill yez," "Good day Mr. Flaniiagan," I said, and went to my office; wrote a note to the editor of the Republican, stating, that I would hold him personally responsible for the slanderous folsehoods he had published con- cerning me, and was going to post it, when I was met in the hallway by Mr. Honore. "How goes the canvass by this time," he queried, and then scrutinizing my expression, said, "you look, I should say, on inspection, rather mad." "Yes ; I a7n niadP I then showed him the note, and told him my in- tent. He laughed at me, and retaining the note, walked into the office, asking me to follow. Seated, he told me this kind of abuse was customary all over this country, was considered a part of the freedom of the press. Suits for libel, suits for slander, personal rencontres, and duels — all, had been tried to check it, with no good result. The American press was abso- lute autocrat. It's only cure is within itself, it will either see the danger in time to avert it, or take rope enough, and according to tlie old adage — hang itself. A. — "Time's up, till to-morrow night." ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY. 207 NIGHT XUl. JOHN ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY! I had not finished the interview with Honore when you struck off hist nij^lit. A. — "Any where will do to begin or end in this complex jumble. Guess your hypothetical reader will know about as well as you did what was coming next, when it would come, and how." Honore asked me what I and that gunpowder Irish- man had been doing to Mr. Sharpnose? "Nothing," I answered. "He has threatened ,to call me to account." "Oh, that was bosh in Extra No. 4, he is not a dan- gerous man. He came to me, out of breath, and did 'a harrowing tale unfold' — that you, and the Flannagan o' Tipperary, pursued him with bludgeons, with mur- derous intent, several blocks, and he adroitly escaped with his life, I intercede for him, and at his special request, ask you not to send that bloodthirsty Irish- man after him." I had to smile at Ilonore's harrowing tale. I then showed him Mr. Sharpnose's note, when he laughed heartily in turn, particularly at the postscript — "My wife makkes me write this." , "And now, honest John, on whom did you 'shove that queer' bill?" 2oS JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "Mr. Arndul, the sick man." "What base ingratitude, to serve a martyr to your interests such a scurvy trick," he repHed, with mock gravity. "I did give him a five dollar bill this morning, but I presume it was genuine." "It don't make a particle of difference politically, John," he answered, and continuing, said: "I move the previous question. How goes the canvass? How many of the boys have you seen? How many of the influentials have you botton-holed ?" At these questions I was astonished, and a little cha- grined; I replied by asking as many more: "Didn't he know that I hadn't had five minutes rest day or night since the 'everlasting' nomination, from these aggravations? Didn't he think they were annoy- ances? or was he so indurated as to be heedless of them?" To which he replied irrelevantly: "John, you have lost nearly the whole day on tri- fles; you must go out now and electioneer." He bid me good day and went out. A. "It was high time to take his advice. You had wasted — yes wasted this time on mere trifles." "I see the same way now, I didn't then, and don't you think the only difference between now and then is in the fact that those petty, mean triilcs of that lime are the full grown corruptions of the present day?" I sat and tried to think where to go, whom to sec, and what til do or say. No use; 1 seized my hat, (I had bought a soft f)ne this time) and rushed out, deter- mined to disregard trifles, and go some where; sec somebody; say or do something. Soon as I reached the outer door that ominous "'Ere's yer" smote on my ELECTIONEERS VI GOKOUSLY. 209 ear, and I shrank back in the entry to catch the next two words — "Extra Democrat" — I ran out and seized one, not hearing or caring what the boy said after- wards. Here's the document I captured : "EXTRA DEMOCRAT. JOHN SMITH VINDICATED! Mr. Editor : As the pubHshed efforts in behalf of John Smith, our candidate for inayor, have been mea- gre, while there have been many to injure him, I take it on myself to vindicate, not the cause of a good par- ty, but the interests of a good man. The party can take care of itself, but let the com m unit}' take care of a good man, of whatever party. I therefore state, from a thorough knowledge of the facts, that John Smith is entirely innocent of all slanderous charges published against him, and further, I will myself stand personally, legally and pecuniarily responsible foi any or all of the same. Ernest Honore." "Wasn't that magniloquent, magnificent and mag- nanimous?" A. — "Has the ring of true metal." I had read it twice; it had passed to the third read- ing, when I was served with a peace warrant. I felt peaceable enough now; so told the officer, but it seemed that one Philander Sharpnose wanted security as to my pacific inclinations in the sum of $500. I went with the officer; found Honore, who went on my bond, and said he had endorsed for that wild Irishman a similar paper, and continued Honore, reflectively: "I'll bet that $500,000,000 wouldn't keep him from fighting for ^wc minutes, if he had or could make a chance." -27 2IO JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "You are running some risk," I answered; "for there are only 800 other voters, and at Pat's velocity he'd run out of material soon ; however, there's one saving clause." "What's that?" asked Honore. "He'll never get in reach of Sharpnose." "Good-day — go on — electioneer," and he was gone. "Electioneer — yes, I must; I'll go and see — " "Mr. Smith, here's a hill Mister Mallory told me to hand you," snapped in an urchin. I examined it, and found it was for a balance of $35.00 for liquors, cigars, &c., used by my friends Sat- urday night. Told the boy I didn't owe Mr. M. a cent; wouldn't pay it. It was blackmailing. The boy went away, offering to himself a bet that I would be beaten from a certain hot locality — common name end- ing in — "'11 to brcxfuS." This was the first bet I had heard offered on the result during the day. It was of- fered by the boy to his true inwardness; can't say that it was taken. I began to realize I should be beaten from the office to private life, if I didn't do something; so I resolved to go to our printing office and see about the tickets first, and then — "Hello, Dr.! Dr. Smith! come this way." Turning rightabout, T went back toward my office, near which the hailing man was, who informed me there was a lady in my office. I didn't have time from electioneering to attend to professional business, but went up, as it was a lady, and found Miss Gay. She had brcn crying, and blushed and staiTimcred a "good afternoon." With that umnistakable lady-like demean- or that passes without (jucstioii under any circumstan- ces, she related lur .innoyances concerning the slander ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY. 211 sLiil; staling-, in conclusion, what was quite true, to my certain knowledge, that she knew it all originated with Mrs. Sharpnose and the sister-in-law of her mother's first hushand, Mrs. Maligny, who had always disliked her, and Mr. Sleek. I told her that 1 would see the affair set right, if it took all the time and means I had, unceasingly used to that end. A. — "After you got through electioneering?" "Don't talk that way. 1 was mad then, and I am now, to think there were and are yet such pests in the world as those slanderous harpies that were hunt- ing down, with the tireless avidity of bloodhounds, that poor, defenceless, innocent creature." A. — "John, you are violating the usages of polite literature to speak of the ladies in this way." "1 speak of a certain class, using the mildest terms found in their epitomized biographies.'' A. — "What epitomized biographies?" "Not found in the roseate realms of romance, but in criminal dockets, police reports and associated press despatches of a sensational kind." A. — "You beast. You'd better go on with your electioneering." "I will. Miss Gay left reassured. I had gone as far as the outer door with my former purpose of seeing about the tickets, when this note arrived. An earnest solicitation for an immediate interview with Mr. Flan- nagan :" "To His Honor, Mr. John Smith: S/r — An' it's not meself as would be after askin of yer honor to come to meself barren meself was able to come to yezself; but there's at the prisint writin a wea bit of an absthruction, lookin for all the world like 212 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. unto a calaboose, as pravints Mr. Flannagan fiam call- in' an yer honor in proper person. An' if it would not be too much thrauble it's the same Mr. Flannagan as would loike verra much a wea bit of an interview wid yez, shure. I very time yr frind, "p. Flannagan, o' Tipperary. A. — "Did he die before you reached him?" "No; why do you ask? I went as fast as I could walk to that 'wea bit of an interview'." A. — "And found him alive?" "Of course I did. Why not?" A. — "Strangce, he must have been in at least fifteen minutes, and it's not at all likely he got, in there, one single fight, much less two or thr — " "Oh, bosh! On my route to the calaboose I was stopped by Mr. Snigglefritz, who drew a voluminous batch of papers from his pocket, and said, as he select- ed a fresh looking one from the dingier fellows:" "Meester Smit, I vants to sbeak mit you 'pout pisi- ness. Yoner frents — " "I'm ni a great hurry just now, I'll see you to-mor- row," I answered impatiently. "Oh, das is shust vat I am, in pig hurry. I sees long times ago, some oder candidates pefore elecshion, and dey vas in crcat hurry too, and wlien I comes after elecshion, den dcy not bay one lani cent" — And by this time he had the bill opened, handing it to me. I saw it was like Mallory's, only bigger, "$65 fer pier getrunken py Ilerr Smit's frents, Sontay den 5th." I (old Mr. Snigglefritz I had authorized no- body to use 111) credit at his beer garden, and I would ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY. 213 not pay one cent of the bill, and left him foaniin<^ with wrath, and, I guess, considerable beer. Pat was happy to see me. Although I was in a hurry to electioneer, he compelled me to listen to his "ixjDlination ov the how's o' it." "Arristed fath to kape the pace wid thit bloody rin- nin' coward Shairpnose — an' yer hould-sould Misther Hanner wint me bail, an' I was fra as the air o' hivin', but did yez iver think, so soon as iver that blissed gin- tlemon had gone 'is way and disappaired from the soight of me two eyes, wha should coom boot this same tormintin' Arurnald, the silf-same pussy in the male toob, and hid me arristed agin fer nothin' in ther wide woruld barrin the glntle saloot mesilf gave 'im for savin' thit yer haner shoovcd a splurious counter- fate bell an 'im." We went to the magistrate's office, where I settled the fine and costs for Pat. Again I advised him to quit fighting. "An' it shill niver cost yer haner a clnt. It's mesilf as kapes a mite o' the nadeful by me twill home, an' yez shall have ivery cint yez jist paid, so soon as Mis- ther Flinnigin can wark twill it an' back." "It is not the money I care about, Pat; you are wel- come to that, but I want you to take my advice and quit fighting." "An' shure it's not the felthy locre as Mr. Flinnigin is carin' aboot, but the fun; boot it's mesilf as cares fer the advoice o' you. I'll thry an ipiit a wea spell." So saying, Pat was gone. A. — "To look up the quickest row." Stepping to the door with the intention of going out to electioneer, I was staggered at the sight and hideous yell of the opposing printer's demon — 214 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "Eres yer Ex-r Piulkin; all bout J. Smith swindlin orphans!" "This was the same boy whom Pat had despoiled: who, seeing me as he passed the door, and had got a few paces beyond, turned and went through that same grossly insulting manouvre of" the thumb and fingers, before described — and not satisfied with this, yelled back at me" — "Heh, ole counterfeit, you'd better try to mob this press," then went his way. I picked up one of a dozen of the Extras No. 4 — I could not then imagine where such a lie was started. Here's the paper — "John! How about Those Orphans? Honest yohnny^ adyninisti'ator of Hezckiah yohn- soii^ (dec'd.) A dead man — Widoxc and chil- di'en starvi7ig. — Aloncy spent by y . S. for office. "From reliable authority, we have come to the con- clusion that Mr. Smith's record for honesty is not as good as many short-sighted persons think. He has kept a widow and orphans out of their own mone\', which the\' needed to purchase bread. This is from the records. — Ed." This was a "stunner." I was administrator of this estate, but it was notoriously insolvent. I had advanc- ed money without anv prospect of remuneration, to relieve the widow and her children. The editor stated that this terrible slander was from the records. Not- withstanding the advice of Mr. Honore, and my hurry l(» electioneer, I walked straiglit to the printing ollice. ' ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSI>Y. 215 and demanded of the editor his authority for the publi- cation. He tried to evade, but seeing I meant business, told me the county clerk told him the books were not square in the matter. This clerk I had always regard- ed, and then knew to be a wishy-washy, dough-faced traitor in politics, who had slipped into his j^lace on a compromise issue of local interest. I have since found this a common practice among such villainous scamps, to nose out of the records some explainable irregulari- ty, that means no harm or dishonesty to any one, and •report it just in time to work all the injury, but net in time to investigate it, before election; when, along time after the victim is defeated, and the slander has grawn too heavy to bear, an examination is had, and lo! there is nothing in it. I must go on and tell you about my electioneering. I started from the Rep. office to that of the county clerk, and was interrupted by Mr. Farrin, who said — "Jones has got the bulge on you ; he has left $5 at every saloon in town, and you must see that and go one better." "Go one what?" I did not, then, comprehend his language. "You can play the innocent lamb firstrate," he re- joined, with an incredulous smile; then resuming: "You can't fool old birds with chaff, Johnny. You must straddle the blind or throw up your hand." "I told him there was ambiguity in his language, to speak in plain terms." "Running for office and don't know how to play poker," he exclaimed, "I told him I had heard of a game at cards called poker, also an immodest dance of the same name, 2l6 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. though spelled clifTerently; still, I couldn't see that a knowledge of either was a qualification for office. I have learned some better since, {vide politicians, qui ubique sunt^ especially that a thorough knowledge of the game of poker is essential to discharge, with eclat^ the duties of our ministers abroad, who, thus accred- ited, can successfully maintain, against the tricky diplo- macy of the world, the bowie-knife and revolver pres- tige of our spread-eagle prowess." A._"Well, tell what else Mr. F. said." "Yes, yes; I must hurry on to that electioneering." Mr. Farrin said: "To be plain, Mr. Smith, you must put up — shell out to treat the boys liberally, 'tnd secure, against Jones, the influence of 37 saloons." Having no confidence in this man, and knowing him to be a traitor, I told him I would not give one cent: which was what I would have told anv other person. "Then up vou go, Johnny!" he replied, I thought exultingly, (for I rather believed then, and learned afterwards, he wished himself to run) and after a pause concluded, "I thought the party made a mistake in nominating you." "If the party is composed of such material as you, it did," I replied angrily. "Do you mean to insult me," he asked. "You can construe my remarks as you please. You have- baipt'd more on llu- ahnightv dollar, and done less in an honest way, and more with money in a dis- honest way, to defeat me, than any man in the opposite party would think of doing; yet you profess to be my friend." ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY. 217 I tell you I was "fighting mad," although in a great hurry to electioneer. By this time, as Mr. Farrin had purposely raised his voice, there was quite a circle of listeners. "You are a liar!" was his reply, as he assumed a defensive attitude. Without thought I struck at him — he mysteriously dodged the blow by springing, as it appeared to me, entirely over the heads and shoulders of the bystand- ers; landing outside of the circle on the solid pave- ment with the emphatic squashing thud of a rotten pumpkin. In the place so recently occupied by Mr. Farrin, stood Mr. Flannagan o' Tipperary, who bran- dishing his "insthrumint," and looking around eagerly for more "waruk," thus spake: "An' faith ef yez wants inny more jabs o' shoovelin' manoor it's mesilf as will tak all sich conthracts, an' jist do 'em ip quite beautiful intirely." Before I could recover from my surprise at the rapid disappearance of Mr. Farrin, Pat handed me the ex- act amount I had paid for him in the Arndul suit. I told him to keep it; no, he would have been insulted. "Faith an' I waruk fur me pairty an' frinds, not money," he said, and truthfully. Mr. Farrin had been assisted to his feet, and helped to a neighboring seat, where he sat as Mr. Flannagan expressed it, "All dibbled oop as tho' 'e hid thcr crimp calic, an' fur all the woruld as tho' 'e niver did a mane thang in all 'is borun days." I remarked to Pat that I feared he had injured Mr. Farrin internally. "Interrernilly, yez say?" replied Pat. "An' fath an' if the wea thrip 'e took through ther hitmosfare wad —28 2l8 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. 'ave knacked all 'is inteirernals claue, altogither, in- toirely out'n 'is bastely shill, an' thin mayhap ould Nich an 'e thort it woruth 'is trouble to fill 'im oop agin, thin praps, ixidintly, by mistak 'e moight 'ave got the laist wea bit o' good in 'is pisky sarpint hide, an' thin yez say, 'e wad by a bitter mon share, altho' 'e's chack full o' the divil's oun matherial." It again occurred to me that I must go ahead with my electioneering. I told Mr. Flannagan he was un- der heavy bonds not to fight. "An' thit's only a conthract wid thit coward Shairp- nase," he said. I was going to speak further, but here a paper was handed me; it stated that John Smith, Esqr., was in- debted to the Empire Saloon to the amount of $15, for sundries furnished friends. I denied the debt, and sent the collector off in a huff. I determined to electioneer, and starting to see the county clerk — Pat touched me on the arm and said: "Wait a wea bit." I looked in the same direction that Pat was^gazing, and saw a noted pugilist and athlete coming towards us; when Pat half whispered: "An' now, by the howly jimpin' Moses, yez'll sae fun — PU tak the worud. Then turning squarely on the intruder, Pat said: "Whativer is it yez want? Are yez frind or foe?" "As a friend, Pat," answered the bully. "I just wanted you to tell me how it Was done? What kind of a holt you took on l-'arrin to throw him clean over the heads of two or three folks — I never sec the like before." ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY. 219 "An' did yez niver stiddy the coorvc in a bockin' mule's back ?" queried Pat. "The curve ni a buckin' mule's back?" echoed the pugilist. "Fath an' it's Misther Flinuigin as hasdavoted some toime an' tilint twill ther silf same in the arrumy," re- sumed Pat. "An' vvfiin it was not a sowl ixcipt Pat Flinnigin as was on the outside o' the coorve as an- ginares will till yez — whin ther prissure cooms a moighty soight toe harud fer yez, an' a spoike gives, an' yez go flyin' thro' the hitmosfarc, the divil 'imsilf doan't know where yer goin', or whin or how ye'll sthop." "But where did you catch him, and how did you work, to throw 'im so far?" persisted the profes. sional. I saw this amateur was earnestly seeking informa- tion as to how, what he considered, an admirable feat was performed. Pat explained further; and although I wished so much to proceed with my electioneering tour, I still devoted a few more minutes to hear Mr. Flannagan. "Will, as I towld yez, it was fur all the woruld loike the coorve in a bockin' mule's back, ixcipt it ain't ix- ictly. Yez say, Misther Flinnigin passisses a back- bone, an' there's niver a bitter one, baith fur 'is pairty an' 'is frinds, an' bavin' sich, whativer is ther raison it can't ba o' sarvice whin the toime cooms? An' as I was sayin', it was loike the bockin' mule's, ixcipt it acts in a conthrairy diriction." 220 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. I saw there was philosophy in Pat's explanation, and waited to hear him out. "How's that?" asked the professor. "Will, you say, yez mount the bockin mule's back as sthraight as a shangle, a thinkin' all the whoile he's yez bist frind, wid patten an' fadin' an' cooryin' an' all, whin all o' a soodint there's a coorve in 'is back, an' bain' on the outside o' the same, it's altogither misfor- tunate, as angineers will till yez, whin a spoike's gone, an' yez is flyin' to kingdom come, jist so far as yez know aboot, as to jist where, an' whin, an' how yez silf is iver agoin' to sthrike this mortal airth agin, shure! An' yez say, if yez mount Misther Flinnigin, wid a sthraight back, thin he's all hoonkey; but thin yez jist thry 'im wid what yez ud misthak fur a coorve in *'is back, an' yez'U divilish soodin discouver yez an the outside o' the same coorve. There's the coorve o' paverty, an' some big folkes loik thit hoom- bog as yez say I hurt interrernally, oop stairts as has made a little d' the nadeful, as will mount this silfsame coorve o' paverty, thinkin' all the toime a poor mon is a baste o' the dissirt, will an accammadatin' hoomp an 'is back; but this same paverty-sthricken baste o' a mon sometoimes has a virra bad hibit o' sthraightenin' o' 'is back, an' out goes yer hoomp, an' away goes yer rider. An' so yez say, it's ixictly loike the bockin' mule's back, wid a wca dallcrincc — thit is, it ain't at all, at all. The one baiste waruks fram a hoomp to a sthraight, an' the itbcr fram a slliraight to a hoomp; yez say? Ther same as gittin' yez back oop aboot in- ny thing.'" The professor had comprehended what I was at a loss to know, and he explained in a (|uesli()n. ELECTIONEERS VIGOROUSLY. 221 "You done it by takin' him under the arms, and ben- din' your back, then straightenin' with all your might?" "Yis, yis, an' he was an the outside o' the coorvc," concluded Pat. A. — "And I'm glad; finish your electioneering to- morrow night." 322 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. NIGHT XIV. JOHN ADDS VIM TO , VIGOROUS ELECTIONEERING. It was now four o'clock p. m., the last day of the canvass. I went to work in good earnest to see the boys and set things right. I was told there was not time to see the county clerk and demand an explana- tion, that I couldn't possibly get till after the election: and the tickets, some friend would manage. Several must have managed them, for there were at least a dozen differ- ent straight democratic tickets out next day. Fceling thus freed, I sallied forth, "conquering and to conquer" — perhaps- I went for the biggest democrat in the city, Uncle Dick Svviller. He kept and lived in a small huckstering store near my office. He was called a wheel-horse, and was iicarlv big enough for two. He weighed between 375 and 400 His., and was warranted solid democracy, through and through. As I neared the door 1 thought Uncle Dick was sawing gourds or splintery wood, but on entering, T found him dead dr — no, asleep (you sec a man's iirst impressions in the heat of the campaign will not do act on) on the coun- ter, with his head softlv pillowed in a bioad crock of of stout lard. Whni veneration, at the uncertain dis- tance of a mile or two, his dome-like proportions would have aroused in the bosom of a pre-historic mound-builder! F.anc\ m\ reverence, as a dem- JOHN ADDS VIM TO ELECTIONEERING. 223 ocratic candidate, at so close a view of such a co- lossal bonanza of the true metal. Lucky party to have such a heavy man, thought I, as I con- templated, with partisan pride and defiant hope, this reposing democratic Goliath. But one thing necessary to sweep away all opposition: arouse this Sampson and let him work with his jaw bone. "Uncle Dick! Oh, Uncle Dick !" I called. No response, save a fortissimo snore, like the snort of an infuriated rhinoceros. I was in a hurry to go on with my electioneering; was satisfied it was ruin- ous to leave inert, this much of the genuine stuff, so 1 gave it a desperate shake. Hark! It moves!! It speaks!!! "Few done gwef 'um here I'll knock Hczouten- yer." I went sadly away, supposing Uncle Dick had fallen out with some foreigner in the other partv, Russian perhaps, named *Hezoutenyer, and he was dreaming, in a troubled way, of the difficulty. I started for the next biggest man in the party, and had gone, I should judge, fifteen paces, when I was met by a delegation of ladies with a temperance pledge, and a petition to the next mayor and council, praying for an ordinance against the retail dram shops. "Oh, Mr. Smith— Dr. Smith — that's a dear man," they all chorused, "now do sign both, and we'll all electioneer for you! Do! Yes, do! Oh, do!" * Hezoutenyou ; this was not the name of a foreigner, as was then siipi)osed in the lieat and liaste of the canvass, hut a runninfi; together, by ithe i)roso(lial figure of synaleiiha, "f four Etiglisli words, to-wit : H— ll,-()ut-of-yoii. In justice to I'nclc Dick, I will state in i)lain terms that the synepy was due to dipsouumia, and not to any personal dilli- culty. 224 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. "Of course, ladies, I'm a strict temperance man. TU sign — but I've got no ink." "Here! Here's mine — and mine. I've got some," and every one had a pocket ink-stand full. I thought after I had signed John Smith, with a 'flourish, to both papers, it was a splendid opportunity to remove from their minds any erroneous impressions of Saturday night's doings. So I squared myself to the task, and told them there were false reports con- cerning my temperance views; that I always was an active advocate of the cause, and never, directly or indirectly, patronized those abominable saloons, and never — "Mr. Smith, here's a bill Mr. Dodson, that keeps the Spread Eagle Saloon (this was the lowest den, where a recent murder occurred), says he wants set- tled before election." Here the little assassin opened the bill, and ostenta- tiously read: "Mister John Smith, D-r — that means debtor, to l6o D-k-s — that means drinks — $16,00. To 100 Con- chas — that means cigars — makes $10,00. All added up, makes $26,00, and he says you an' your friends got 'em Sunday, an' most Sunday night." And here the unregenerate little wretch looked around on the ladies for a smile of approval at his scholastic attainments. A. — "How pleasant is electioneering when the ladies button-hole a candidate!" "Yes, but if that boy had been large enough, or old enough to comprehend the heinousness of his execra- ble conduct, I would have murdered — yes, cruelly mur- dered him on the spot." Those ladies had been sent bv brothers Bonham antl JOHN ADDS VIM TO ELECTIONEERING. 225 Coldman to accomplish the work they had so deli- cately undertaken, and wrathfully abandoned as a hopeless task: that is, my reformation. The ladies seemed agreeably surprised at the facility of the con- quest, when I so readily signified my willingness to sign both pledge and petition, and when I had affixed my sign manual, aye! when I indulged in unqualified denunciation of dram shops, and capped my temper- ance climax with the declaration that I never j^atron- ized or encouraged, directly or indirectly, those abom- inable saloons — just to think, when I was rearing such a tower of strength, and those dear creatures were set- tling and confidingly Iniilding high hopes around it, that that deluge of "i6o D-k-s — drinks" should come and sweep the last vestige. You can hardly imagine the change that came over those ladies as / saw it. I couldn't have uttered a word of explanation; but they didn't ask it. 'Twas too damning. They hesitated ; apjDcared confused; whispered; looked at my signa- ture as a blot on the papers; looked at each other, and — started off, when one, perhaps with a forlorn hope of my ultimate reformation, but a desjDairing glance at my f;ice — still marked by Saturday and Sun- day's mishaps — asked : "Mr. Smith, how old are you?" '■'•One hundred and sixty P'' 1 replied. She laughed despite her anxiety, and joining her comrades, the ladies left me. A. — "That was an unfortunate answer, and rather an unpopular age for a man among the ladies. Why did you thus answer.^" "You ought to know when a man has had so many spiteful thrusts at his moral sensitiveness, and each —39 226 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. wound, with constant irritation, has thrown out its un- availing excrescences of proud flesh, and then to have such an actual cautery bungingly thrust into this wounded, over-sensitive soul, that the shock paralyzes all the rest; and until reaction, there is absolutely no- thing in the soul or consciousness but this seared, seeth- ing impression. My branding-iron read, as the boy said, "i6o D-k-s, that means drinks." That brand is there to this very day. Now you know why I was 1 60 years old. I felt about that age, although I was really 122 years short." "Them's crusadin' gals. You oughter see the old boss make 'em git when they crusaded his shanty. They scooted, you bet," patronizingly remarked my pleasant friend, the boy, who affectionately lingered with the demand from the Spread Eagle Saloon. "Go tell your father I'll have him arrested for swind- ling. 160 D-k-s, and he knows I never was in his wretched saloon" — and looking sharply at the boy, I asked, "Why did you tell such a lie in the presence of those ladies, that I and m}^ friends drank 160 drinks?" He said his father had told him, and he wasn't to blame. So 1 didn't kill him, but let him bear my reply to Dodson, vSr. Where was I going? To see another prcMuincnt democrat. 1 didn't think that I had gained much ground in electioneering with the ladies, but thought this pledge and prlitioii nllair was a time-honored cus- tom, to commit the candidates before-hand. I tlidu't care so I was right; I had honestly and willingly signed both papers. I have learned since that it was a dangerous move, and it began to aj^pear so then, and JOHN ADDS VIM TO ELECTIONEEUIXG. 227 is a settled conviction now, that to do anything boldly and openly in politics, is dangerous. I began to feel my better nature cramped. It seemed that everything had to be done by sneaking trickery. 1 didn't like this, and determined to fight it out on the line of strict honesty and morality if 1 didn't get a solitary vote. A. — "Good for you, and good for — defeat." "I didn't care whether I was successful or not. I had determined not to yield one jot or tittle to influen- ces that even bore the semblance of cornij^lion. Would not I run well now, though?" A. — "Not much, for I know you haxn't kept pace with the growth of the petty rascalities you detail, and they have, by this time, passed beyond your recogni- tion; or what is more likely, they have been displaced in popular favor by the many new and admirable va- rieties of 'ways that are dark' that have been produ- ced by a complex system of skillful crossing in the hands of scientific cultivators." "1 must go on with and finish my electioneering. I was not interrupted more than half a dozen times on my way to that other infiuential party man. The in- terview was very encouraging. I walked into his counting-room, where I found him absorbed in his ledgers — most of them are taken up by this kind of absorption — and bid him good afternoon. "Oh, ah! Smith? Yes, our candidate for mayor?" formally and frigidly ; "take a seat, sir." I didn't know how to talk with such a man. I told him that I would be under many obligations for his active support. "Indeed, I havn't time to electioneer, but you can coimt on my vote," he replied — then said, "But some 228 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. of our best workers, Mr. Farrin, for instance, thinks that you will not likely be successful." "Why does he think so?" "He tells me — and this is strictly confidential, Mr. Smith — that he fears you do not understand the ropes, you know. I hope you'll not disappoint the expecta- tions of our part}-, though," he continued, "but there is a clear majority against you on the last election of 45 votes." I told him rapidly, for I wanted to get away, that Mr. Farrin was a traitor to me and his party — that he was sacrificing the interests of the party for the grati- fication of his revenge on me, for securing the nomi- tion. "Oh, Mr. Smith, it will never do to tell that," and this wheel-horse was filled with consternation. T saw, if he wished to do right, he was afraid, and with manifest disgust got mc out of the presence. As soon as I gained the street a lady addressed me thus — "You arc the candidate for mare?" "Yes, on the denif>cratic ticket." "Well, that's the one; my husband and my thra boys are all votcis, and," she continued, "if you'll pram- ise to let me put my calf in the calaboose yard nixt sommer, in place of thaU repnl)lican calf of Mrs. Pow- ers, I'll jist make the old man and all thra of the boys vote for you. Will you, now? Yo see we ain't able to lint a pasture." "Madam, your (Icniocialic call' shall have the place," 1 j)r()inptly replieil. A. — "Hest stroke yet; go on." WHlii man\ thanks she courlesied and left mc. T liiiiied to go in the dirc-ction of my office, and saw JOHN ADDS VIM TO ELECTIONEERING. 229 what I niijTht have mistaken for a locomotive, had 1 not particuhirly noticed the machine before. It was Ophcleide. We collided, and the Ilerr crushed my hand with a hearty shake, and a sonorous — "H — U vos low!* Johannes Schmidt, wic geht cs — das ish how vas sie — oder you all tier dime?" I understood him to he speakin^^ to me in a very friendly manner, and replied that T was quite well. "How are you?" I asked. "Ich hin <>;anz wohl — das vas all der dime so "-ood as never vas — und Herr Schmidt, 1 comes, der prass pan mit und sarenad — hy Zehn Uhr. So! huh! so!" I told Mr. Ophcleide I wished to pay him something for his work, under a mistake, for me. "Das vas all recht, Ich wunche kein geld — money — Meester Ilannare macht es all gfanz und «-ar nsali()iisainliii()vii\t!; iMiiolioiisoxpciiciirca by a l)(iy a sliort tiiiii' after lie lias calcn a tJioss of nii-cu apiihvs witlioiit salt. Oitliocpic similarity caused the bowing away ceremony on my part. JOHN ADDS VIM TO ELECTIONEERINCi. 24I hung silent in the limp grasp of his nerveless arm — he feebly articulated — "Les go, boys-ic-I ain't feelin' well — play'd ic-out." This he said, and nothing more. From the attitudes and facial indications, I concluded that the entire band had, at last played out, and they hastily went out. I could hear as they went off, not the occasional time-marking toot on their horns, but instead an imprecation or groan, till the solemn hush of night swallowed up the last faint echo from the retreating band. Early next morning there was a flaming extra, de- tailing the horrible sufferings of those poisoned heroes. John Smith had given good cheer to the members of the band, by treating them to poisoned wine. Dr. Swettam had been called to see one or two of the un- fortunate sufferers, and pronounced the poison arsenic and corrosive sublimate, and deserved great credit for his successful exertions with the stomach-pump and the hypodermic use of antidotes, in saving his patients, especially the worthy secretary of the brass band. The truth is, the quack did come near killing this man, for I saw him three days after, and he looked like he was on a protracted convalescence from Asiatic cholera. He had hoggishly gotten an overdose of the aloes. And — here ends the canvass. A. — "There are some unexplained trifles." "I'll ask you to put them in a very brief conclusion — our fortnight is up — but my wife will not return till day after to-morrow. So to-morrow night you may write the conclusion. 242 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT CONCLUSION. With your political experience; your insight into the complex trickery of the many-wired electioneer- ing machinery; what chance would you think I had for success, on the morning of the election? What show, I will ask, did I stand, after I had exhausted every moment of the canvass, parrying, with sturdy, direcl blows, the assaults of unscrupulous persons; fighting down and rebuking, in unqualified terms, all that was manifestly, or even apparently wrong, and relying on my intelligent, conscientious fellow-citizens for successful support? A. — "Paraphrastically speaking, about as much as the whilom mentioned 'un-/<^^;^-ted' feline quadruped enjoyed in Hades." "And that was just my view. I was happily mis- taken." "Mistaken! You don't mean to say you got over 8 votes of the Soo?" "I do; mean to say more; I was elected! By 61 majorty! A gain of 105!" A.— "Elected! How on earth was it?" "Well, you see I had determined to run, if I ever tlid run for office, <>ii a fair and honest basis. ^ ou see I had the implicit confidence that belongs to inexper- ience; for 1 believed then 1 couUl be elected honor- CONCLUSION. 243 ably, and it was quite five years after before I saw inv mistake." A. — "Mistake? Tbeii you mean you were elected unfairh'?" "Oh, no! Only according to the ways and means then and now provided in such cases. Though I was under the impression for a long time that all those parties who had shown bad motives, were awed by sterling integrity (?), and had expiatingly voted for me. I have wished often that this agreeable illusion hadn't been swept so suddenly and ruthlessly away. It was a comfort: the deception." A. — "Swept away suddenly? How?" "It occurred over five years after the election. My good friend, the truly good Honore, sickened and died. He left me and another friend of his, administrators. We were overlooking his papers one day, and found them systematically endorsed on the outside, and neat- ly tied in separate parcels with red tape. There was one bundle that had become untied and scattered pro- miscuously among the other bundles. I went to work to collect these, and to be sure that they were properly arranged, had to open each separate paper to examine and learn its exact place. The first paper was that very same Spread Eagle Saloon bill — ^there the '160 D-k-s' — I knew what d-k-s meant — yes, there in plain hand — but not as vivid as the brand in my soul — the Conchas too, and all — at the bottom was — "Rece'd payment in full, pr. Mr. E. Honore, this April 6th, 1 868. S. DODSON." 344 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. Every one of that scattered batch of papers was a receipted bill, most of them the identical bills that had been sent to me before election; all concluding: "Rece'd in full, or paid in full, by Mr. E. Honore." I say all, I didn't get to see them all, for I had examined enough to sum up over $500, when there were five or six remaining I could not look into, and I heartily wished then for his sake, and ever since for mine, I hadn't seen one of them. A. — "Why? And why couldn't you look into the remaining five or six?" Because the outside endorsed paper came just be- tween those I had looked at and those I had not ex- amined. This outside paper was simply endorsed: "J. S. Camp. TO BE de:stkoyed without openinc;, if April, 1873, has Passed." Generous, good soul ! He had considered my feel- ings so much, even when he made that endorsement. He was, sometime before death, in l)a(l health, and, 1 presume, contemplated me as an administrator, and didn't want me to see all he had done for me, unless really necessary. A. — "Then why didn't he destroy the j^apers liim- self?" He was a man that was strict in business affairs, and 1 i)itsume he wanted those receipts held till the statute of liniitatii)ii iLiuleied them worthless. 'Plu- time had expired nearh sixty days before. So I should have destroyed them wiflioul opening;-. 1 should not have CONCLUSION. 245 known what "J. S. Camp." meant, hail the l)uii(llc re- mained securely tied. A. — "John Smith Campaign?" Yes; and there were three very sad, much to be re- gretted sequels, and one happ\ one, in connection with that campaign. The happy one was a marriage. A.— "A marriage? Who? and how?" Well, that "Susie" note that troubled my wife, you remember that she j^icked up in the hall, that memor- able Sunday morning, was dropped by the printer's devil when he picked up the Gay note. His sister, Susie Brown, was affianced to a worthy young man who was an employe of the Republican office, John Simpson. Susie wished to have an escort to church, and sent this little paper to Johnny. It didn't reach it's destination, and producetl a slight ripple in our do- mestic pool. The first of the sad sequels was the death, one week after the election, of Mr. Blackman. He was beset by both parties, or the vultures, as \ said before, of both parties. The opposition told him I was trying to scare him into voting our ticket, or intimidate him from coming out to vote theirs; our vultures fought this, and between the two, the poor fellow got no rest, and of course died from injuries that could have, with quiet, been repaired. I had one hard thought con- cerning Blackman, in regard to the five dollar note. I feared he had given it to me, under such solemn as- surances, knowing it was bad; but 1 subsequently learned that Farrin had distributed several counterfeit bills on the same bank and of the same denomination. The second sad sequel was the trial of Pat Flanna- gan for the murder of Daniel Blackman. He w^as 246 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. acquitted after the second heaving, but it was sad to see the terrible warping this judicial investigation got from political heat. It don't seem any better now. The last and saddest of these sequences was my sudden discovery of how badly I had been deceived in attributing my success, in the election, to good motives on the part of the community, instead of the same old prime mover of all human action, self-intere^. The death of my best and noblest friend was sad enough, but such inscrutable occurrences belong to the all-wise providence of Him who would then, wills now and all the time, that men would be actuated by such motives as I then, very shortsightedly, ascribed to a majority of them. I was not turned out of the church, as wiser coun- sel than Bonham's or Goldman's prevailed; yet I was, and am now, regarded as a sort of Ishmaelitish mem- ber by those intensely pious souls who assume to run most churches for their individual glorification. Subsequent experience taught me what I should have learned from the good book at first, that the "Love of money" was then, and is now, and will con- tinue to be, "The root of all evil," even unto the "last man and the last dollar;" yet, 1 can't help expressing the hope that more men may use their money as did my good friend. And now, Mr. hypothetical or ac- tual reader, while you are healing over with the salve of self-interest the slight abrasions of my moral anger, and plugging the deeper penetrations with llie ])ultv of policy, I earnestly h()j)e that this one, that nuist have inadi- an impression on your better nature, mav not l)e so easily healed or concealed; hut that you may always carry in your iiuier conscious- CONCLUSION. ^47 ness — your sanctum sanctorutn of rij^ht, the indelible impression that money, as it seems to be to the moral, what steam is to the mechanical world, the prime mo- tive power, should be used to run soulless men just as steam is employed to drive soulless machinery — to do good, praisworthy and profitable work. In short, if money is the motive, and mercenary, unj^rincipled men are the machines that give shape to our political fab- ric, our only hope is, that our machines may fall into the hands of such good and skillful engineers as was Honore; and the great motor applied in his way, to impel vicious men to do right. In conclusion, I must ask the pardon of my reader for introducing him to vicious company, and shocking his modest ear with language unrefined. My excuse is in the oft' quoted verse: "Vice is a monster of so frightful mien As, to be hated, needs but to be seen." So you see that I have exhibited this monster in her different frightful phases, politically speaking, only once; just enough show to accomplish my purpose; that is, to have you hate the horrid thing. You know very well, though, that our frequent elections must nec- essarily show this same monster so often as to make us " Familiar witii lier face." And then — "We first endure, then pity, thcMi embrace." But if you are a man, you'll neither "endure, pity, nor embrace." And now, my perforated reader, in the language of the itinerant showman: we, Jamie, and John Smith, Democrat, thank you kindly for your liberal patronage. 248 JOHN SMITH, DEMOCRAT. and would announce .that the performance will con- clude with a tilt on the grand mental and moral see- saw of American intellectuality. Walk right up and take a glass — ("That's it! — Don't care if I do! — Long's it you! — As I aint feelin' well! — Hardly ever, but — An' fath an' I'll tip aweedhrap! — Das vas der dalk! — Yah, I dakes bier! — "John, ole fel, we aint smiled since elec- tion! — Yah! Yah! Massajohn, I'ze comin'! — Me-is- ter Sme-ith I re-areh' drink the drink of the wicked, but ah!" — Hold! hold! my overwhelming friends, you misunderstand me, as you did in the canvass — I don't mean to treat that way. You are too fast, as was brother Goldman, who I see, wants a glass from the other end of the see-saw), in order to get a good com- parative view of these petty, immoral phases that an- noyed me so during my canvass. Here's the glass; let me show you how it's done. It's a great relief, by contrast, from the extreme of high tragedy to that of low comedy; and I often enjoy this see-saw, by conten)plating these little political vices through my glass — NOW AND THKN. CONCLUSION. 249 Here ends the performance, and as the drop descends, I will hastily say, that I may, possibly, appear again, when I will exhibit some of the laughable haps and mishaps of the election and my administration. I bow, and leave my parting admonition so plain, that it must be read and understood a thousand times where the injunction holds once: Otiojc, ovv mode dy^pcQ,;Xcn, Good Night. THE END. ♦Without .Tolm's knowledge or consent I translate the above, althouuli .lohii says tilt- adiiioiiition is more dillieult to follow tlian the (ireek is to comprehend . Hero is the transl;uioii : Vec, thm, that y be men. A. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. OCT 2 B m7 FEB 4 1953 Form L9-100m-9,'52(A3105)444 PN Bettersir/orth 6161 John Smith, ^li^_demo£rat* nn I. kLjjLiA^ PN 6161 BU6j U'i^. -L LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 415 223 ^J'^'^^^^'^s^^^^^ :'m..^^^ S\^ >N\