ONV-SO\^^ %a3AINn-3W' ^QAUVMIll \aYaaii-i^f^ LALlfO/?/)^ ^lOSANCElfJV. 0= .^^N X rii < ^ l_^ ^ '^l 1^^ ft y , CO 5?^ "^/saaAiNn-awv** VCElfjv. illJH> = <: I3NVS01-- CO so >■ '/out * f ilA Tl\\' ' ■ElfX J»- ZI. ^.QFCA1IF0% I ^1 1 s i >GAava9.n# .\WE-UNIVERS/A o J0>^ %OJnVOia^^ o I > ;»3 *'/\l M / ^71 i-n -J < S 1*^ f s »IlfJ^ c: rAiicnn. nt.r Aiimrt. .iir tuiiifrnr>. inr.iktrcir/t E 1 BRAY HARD I 9 1 5 7 S 1 BOOKS ILLUSTRATED BY HARRY FURNISS. PERFERVID : the Career of Ninian Jamieson. By JOHN DAVIDSON. 6s. THE MODERATE MAN. By EDWIN HAMILTON. 7s. 6d. TRAVELS IN THE INTERIOR. Edited by a London Physician. 6s. BRAYHARD : The Strange Adventures of One Ass and Seven Champions. By F. M. ALLEN. 6s. WARD AND DOWNEY, Publishers, London. CONTENTS. PAGE Chapter I •..,.. 1 Chapter II 21 Chapter III • 30 Chapter IV 30 Chapter V 51 Chapter VI 65 Chapter VII 77 Chapter VIII 90 Chapter IX 99 Chapter X Ill Chapter XI 126 Chapter XII 138 Chapter XIII 14 X CONTENTS. PAGE Chapter XIV 161 Chapter XV 171 Chapter XVI 189 Chapter XVII 198' Chapter XVIII 208 Chapter XIX 222 Chapter XX 241 Chapter XXI 258 Chapter XXII 276 Chapter XXIII 281 Chapter XXIV 296 BEAYHARD BRAYHARD. CHAPTER I. Birth of Champion George — Bewildering Birth-marks — The Enchantress Kalyb sent for — Diagnosis of the Diabolical Female — Father fairly Bamboozled — Palming the Fairy Child with the Whooping Cough — Early Days of the Champion— Our Hero Spoon-feeds the Infant— Kalyb pro- poses for the Adolescent Champion — Exposition of Magical Treasures — Champion George Tempted — Kalyb relates her History — The Over-Familiar Fiend — Kalyb makes a Deed of Gift — Marriage Contract Signed — The Over-Familiar Fiend finds his Master — Champion George dons the Seven-League Sea-Boots — Our Hero brays too Loudly — Kalyb gives the Bridegroom her Sisters' Address— Departure of our Hero and George — Destruction of the Enchantress and the Over- Familiar Fiend. HE troubles and adventures of George, Champion of England, began early — in fact with his birth. His parents were people of noble but respectable lineage who dwelt in their ancestral castle, situated not a thousand miles from the neighbourhood of Coventry. The infant Champion was born in the following con- dition : his feet were encased in a pair of clump-soled shoes, a broad arrow was tattooed on B 2 BRAYHARD. his left arm, the English coat-of-arms covered the small of his back, a flaming dragon was emblazoned on his chest, and an incipient Union-Jack was plainly visible on each cheek. " This is a most dreadful state of affairs ! " said his noble sire. " We must at once send for Madame Hortensia Kalyb, the Enchantress, who dwells in the heart of the forest adjoining our demesne." Accordingly Madame Kalyb was summoned to the castle. The Enchantress was an atrociously ugly female of an uncertain age. She had a straggling grey moustache which stood out like a verandah over her mouth ; and from her chin sprouted many wiry hairs which gave her pointed under-jaw the appearance of a broom very much the worse for the wear. When Kalyb gazed at the strangely-marked infant a desire seized her to obtain for her own use and benefit so priceless a treasure — for she was of a covetous disposition and passionately fond of collecting curios. In order to abstract the infant she had of course to divert the attention of the parents. " Marvellous indeed ! " she exclaimed, gazing stead- fastly at the babe through the wrong end of a horoscope. " What is it ? " asked the noble father anxiously. " I think it is whooping-cough," answered Kalyb; " and if you, good sir, would only go yourself to the chemist's for a mixture which I shall prescribe I will BEAYHAED. 3 guarantee on my word of honour as a professional enchantress that the shoes will dissolve into thin glue, and the interesting emblazonments will, with the aid of my magic sponge, be completely obliterated." The anxious parent was not wholly pleased with Kalyb's diagnosis and fidgeted visibly. " I hope you do not think it is catching ? " he inquired. " Oh, dear no ! " replied the Enchantress. " You couldn't catch it if you tried ever so hard. Now, fetch me some writing materials." The parent instantly placed the materials (con- sisting of pen, ink, paper, envelopes, and sealing wax) at the witch's disposal. On a slip of paper (which she afterwards folded carefully, put into an envelope and sealed with her own signet ring) Kalyb wrote : R Syrupus Scilhc 1 Pint. Refined Sugar 2h lbs. and handed the magical prescription to the father, who disappeared like a shot in search of the most adjacent apothecary. The Enchantress, taking advantage of his absence, produced a small bottle from her pocket and placed it under the nose of the mother — who bad been too frightened to do anything save stare at the visitor — and soon produced a deep and unnatural sleep. Then Madame Kalyb, by a sleight of hand known to people of her class, palmed off a fairy child (who B 2 4 BRAYHARD. had a genuine catching attack of whooping-cough) on the chloroformed mother, and disappeared with the real baby wrapped up in a shawl. Thus was the future Champion of all England basely- decoyed from his ancestral birth -cham ber by this most wicked and deceitful witch. For a considerable period the abstracted Champion was regularly spoon-fed by a magical Donkey, named Brayhard, whose resounding solos were the terror of the neighbourhood. When Master George was able to stand aloney- proudy, Madame Kalyb observed : " The child is not old enough to be allowed to go to bed in his boots." So she dexterously removed the congenital shoes by simply unlacing them ; and then she disposed of them, at an advanced price, to a sea-captain who was in want of an extra-powerful caul, his certificate having been suspended. From this time forth the Champion suffered more or less from tender feet. The tattoo marks on the various parts of his body (with the exception of the incipient Union- Jacks, which faded unaccountably in a shower of rain) grew with his growth, and to the witch's eyes were most delightful to behold. " He will fetch a lot of money," said she, " as an unfortunate but tattooed nobleman ! " For a period of twenty-one years George dwelt uncomfortably enough, in tlie witch's cavern in the BRAYHARD. 5 heart of the great forest, lulled to rest nightly by the braying of our Hero, the magical Donkey. Ere he had arrived at man's estate Madame Kalyb had grown so fond of the purloined youth that she had abandoned her original idea of disposing of him to a friend who owned a Travelling Museum of Living Curiosities ; and eventually she decided, when the proper time came, to instruct him in the business of witchcraft and demonology. She had also suddenly conceived another project in connection with him which the course of this veracious narrative will presently disclose. One day Madame Kalyb invited George to her private cavern, which was situated in the heart of the ordinary cavern and thus spake to him : — " George, my boy, for twenty-one years have I nurtured thee in the fond belief that I w^as thy mother ; but know now that there is between thee and me no blood relationship whatsoever ! " The young man did not like at the moment to give vent to his delight at discovering this fearful old hag was not his parent but he could not help expressing his astonishment ! " You don't say so," he gasped. " Yes, George," said the witch. ^' It is but too true. And before I proceed further I will relate to thee briefly some particulars of mine own career. At the age of eighty-four I was tempted to sell my soul to a Demon for a ninety-nine years' further lease of life and a com- 6 BRAYHARD. plete set of magical utensils. To-night with the going down of the sun the ninety- nine years will have duly expired, and the lease can be renewed only by my marriage with a Champion. The only Champion of my acquaintance is thy beloved self ; and as it is leap-year I do not mind doing as I do now " (here she threw herself on her knees and held up her hands supplicatingly) " and asking thee to present me with thy hand. We can get married by special licence ere the sun sets be- hind yonder horizon. See, I have the document!" she cried, risiDg from her knees and holding her arms aloft with the precious authority to wed. " Do not hesitate ! " she cried. " For another ninety-nine years we can live apart happily and make lots of money. I will instruct thee in all the arts of magic and lay at thy disposal the vast treasures of my cavern. Do not hesitate, George ! " she cried again. " Have no conscien- tious scruples, for there are not, as I have already assured thee, any impediments of kinship to come between thee and me." The young man was at first inclined to scout the offer indignantly, but when she spoke of treasures and magical utensils his head was fired with the desire to obtain them. So he thought he would temporize with the ancient female., " Fair Enchantress ! " said he ; '"' thou speakest of trea- sure and implements of magic. For twenty-one years have I resided in this abode of thine and none of these things have I seen. Sliow them to me ere I decide." BRAYHARD. . 7 "George!" she murmured, "thou art keen; but it IS only natural thou shouldst ask me to prove my words as I have unblushingly lied about our relationship since first I met thee, warm and young. But I lied for thy sake, in order not to frighten thee from my abode by the awful smell of the harmless but necessary sulphur. I have ceased to practice magic since thou camest to the use of reason — I burnt my broomstick on thy seventh natal day : but now that we understand each other I will begin afresh. See ! " she cried, snatching up her magic wand, which was coated inches thick with dust, "See!" And she struck the wand three times on the table. A cloud of dust filled the room for a moment. Thei\ the place smelt most abominably ; and from the centre of the floor rose a Demon, limelicjht and other maoical effects illuminating his transparent frame. " Hand me my treasures, minion ! " said the witch • and the Demon, bowing politely, deposited a larsfe japanned trunk on the earthen floor of the cavern, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke, leaving behind him a distinct and powerful odour of sulphur fumes. " Now, George," said Kalyb, opening the chest and muttering incantations over it, " here is some of the regular enchanted stock-in-trade. I paid very dearly for the lot, having been foolish enough to purchase them at a cheap sale (as it was advertised) of Bankrupt witchcraft material in our enchanted sphere at the time I joined the business. This is the sword of 8 BRAYHARD. Damocles which will cut any thing except a poor relation. This the skeleton key which will open any door except a door ' on the jar.' These are a pair of seven-league sea- boots, which, remember, will lose their powers if holes or slits for the corns are cut in them. And here is the hat- band which renders the wearer invisible to any one except a widow, an ass, or an undertaker. With these— and they are but a sample of my magical ware — the world should be easy of conquest. The magical powers of these articles, I sbould add, are strictly transferable." George was greatly impressed by the contents of the japanned trunk which Kalyb had exposed to his won- dering gaze, but he felt he had only her word for their magical virtues, though being of a most gallant nature he did not like to say rude things to a lady — not even to one of a hundred and eighty-three summers, who had lied to him unblushingly for twenty-one summers. " What about the treasure — by which I understood you to mean gold and jewels ? " asked the youthful Champion. " Here ! " she cried, touching a cupboard with her wand. The door of the cupboard flew open, and showers of precious stones and golden sovereigns came tumbling to the ground. " This is marvellously like the Electric Sugar dodge," he could not help saying. " Test them ! " she cried, carrying a fistful of diamonds and a fistful of gold to the sceptical Champion, BRAYHARD. 9 He rang a few of the sovereigns on the table and bit them with his handsome white teeth ; and then he tried to break some of the diamonds by placing them on a flat iron and hammering them with the cavern poker; but coins and jewels stood the tests, and George was obliged to confess that it was real treasure. " Thou art still not satisfied," murmured the love- stricken witch ; " and the sun is declining." "Look here!'' said the Champion of England. "If I wed with thee, what sort of a life do you reckon I shall lead ? Do you expect me to come home to tea and that sort of thing ? " " My George ! " she cried indignantly. " Certainly not. On the contrary, I want thee to abandon tea altogether. It is a noxious beverage. I drink a lot too much of it myself. Have I not already told thee we should live most happily apart — much as I love thee ? What I should wish thee to do, after the wedding is concluded and the renewal of my lease obtained from the head Demon of Darkness, is to go forth into the world and conquer all before thee. The discrepancy in our years would assuredly lead to domestic bicker- ings, and I confess I look upon the suggested nuptials as a mere matter of form — in short, a manage de convenance." The Champion still wavered and, observing this, Kalyb continued : " Listen once more, George ; for I fear I may not have sufficiently explained matters ; and of course one 10 BRAYHARD. generally likes to know the sort of family he is marry- ing into. I am the youngest and loveliest of seven sisters." " Phew ! " whistled George under his breath. " We were always a very ' spooky ' family, and one night — on my eighty-fourth birthday as I have already informed thee — we decided to barter to the aforesaid Demon all that remained of us " " Which was a trifle ' off colour,' I should fancy," inten-upted George, smiling — " a sort of remnant at a cheap sale of drapery stock." " Dearest ! " said Kalyb crossly, " I can assure you this flippancy is unworthy of an English gentleman. But to resume. We sisters decided to dispose of all that was left of us for a renewal of life. The best bargain we could make was the ninety-nine years' con- tract. I was the first to sign the contract, and each succeeding seven days one of my sisters signed it, until the whole seven of us were duly hypothecated. I had given up all hope and indeed all desire of getting a renewal of my lease, for I must confess I thought it useless to expect that any good young man would wed with me ; but a short time ago I was on a visit to my sister Anastasia, and I was informed that she and my remaining sisters had all but arranged a wedding, each with a separate Champion, and that the matter oidy \Yanted pressing home to bear fruit in my own case. Still I hesitated 1 But last night I came to the resolu- tion — especially as it is leap-year— to throw myself at BRAYHARD. 11 thy tender feet. Now, George, if thou consentest to be promptly mine thou wilt in all probability be the first Champion who will have married a witch, and thou wilt have precedence of the other Champions who are most likely still wavering." " What sort of magical power shall I have after the marriage ceremony ? " asked George. " Thou wilt have equal magical power with me while I live, without the risk or expense of disposing of thy- self to a Demon," answered Kalyb. " Come, I'll tell you what I'll do," said George. " Make a deed of gift of all your treasures, magical and otherwise, to me, and I will consent to leap the broomstick with you ! " " Done 1 " exclaimed Kalyb. " But as the broomstick has been burned we shall have to fall back on the ordinary special licence." " What shall we do for a witness to the deed of gift ? " asked George. "I can summon mine own familiar Fiend," said Kalyb. " Very well," said the youthful Champion, " Draw up the deed and sign it then right away ! " So Kalyb wrote out the deed of gift, and then strik- ing the ground thrice with her wand she summoned her familiar Fiend, who instantly was shot up through the trap-door of the cavern in a blaze of sulphurous flame. " Demon ! " said George, " we want you to witness a deed made by my fiancee here," pointing to the witch. The Fiend leered, and George sneezed. 12 BEAYHAED. " Fumes rather strong for you ? " smiled the Demon, interrogatively. " Yes," answered the Champion. " Sign your name like a good chap and clear out, and get yourself disin- fected if you'll take my advice." The Fiend grinned, took the pen proffered hy the witch, and again leering at George he put his name to the deed. Then with a noise and blaze like that of an eighteen-inch rocket the Famihar disappeared. " That chap is a little too familiar for my taste," said George when the smoke had cleared away. "When I have power over him he'll have to smell a little less sulphurous or I'll certainly try the effect of a kick at him with my seven-league sea-boots, which I noticed were pretty heavy articles of furniture." " Ah ! he's not such a bad sort, dear," said Kalyb. " He's very punctual, and he has such a long way to come, you know, that one can hardly blame him for being a little queer when he does arrive." " I'd rather he was a little less punctual and a little more fragrant," gi'umbled George, rising and sitting down on the japanned trunk, as if by accident. " How about this licence ? " said he. " Have we to go to a Registrar's office or a church " " Ssh ! " said the witch, holding up her hands in horror. " No ! All thou hast got to do is to sign thy name to the marriage contract — the licence is a special one — from helow," she said, pointing mystically to the trap-door — " and to let me sign mine then, dear." BRAYHARD. 13 " I hope no witnesses are required ? " said George. " None," smiled the witch, taking a sheepskin scroll from the bosom of her dress, " Shapira ? " he inquired, pointing to the scroll. " No, dearest," answered the witch. " The real Simon Pure — Brian O'Lynn had a breeches made out of the same skin. Just you put your autograph there," pointing to the bottom of the scroll. So George stood up and wrote his name with a flourish. " Very nice indeed," said Kalyb, taking the pen from her affianced and dipping it into the ink-bottle. " Let me hold your wand, dear," said he, placing one foot on the japanned trunk. " Thank you ! " said Kalyb, handing him her wand. "I feel so nervous, George, dearest. You know I have never signed a marriage contract before, and after a hundred and eighty-three years of spinsterhood it is hard to string one's nerves up to make a sudden jump into matrimony." " Go on ! " said the noble Champion callously. " The sun will be setting in about half a tick." At this ominous intelligence the witch, trembling violently, signed her name — "Hortensia Kalyb" — to the marriage contract, and the Champion of England was fully the equal of his foster-mother both in the eyes of the law and in the magical sphere, and of course he knew he was considerably more than her equal, combatively, in case she might attempt to regain the 14 BRAYHAED. magical wand which George determined he was not going to part with in a huriy. He tapped the wand thrice on the floor of the cavern and up came the Familiar once more. He did not smell so badly this time as he had only got about half way home when George's summons recalled him, and he hadn't either the time or the opportunity to renew his stock of sulphur. " Demon ! " said the Champion in a voice of thunder, which startled from sleep the enchanted Donkey in the stable outside and caused him to bray loudly. " Demon ! " said the Champion, " in future recollect, please, that I am your master, and that I am completely out of your power or the power of your employer. Mademoiselle Kalyb " "That was," interrupted the familiar Fiend with a leer. " As I have already observed to the missus," said the noble Champion, throwing himself into the witch's arm- chair, " you are a good deal too Familiar, and if you do not desire me to apply the toe of my seven-league sea- boots to various portions of your anatomy you will adopt a more respectful tone and manner in my presence. I was about to say, Madame, my wife can, if necessary, confirm what I now state. Furthermore, Demon," added George, " I would take it as a personal favour if you exhaled your superfluous sulphur before appearing in my presence." " Well I'm blowed ! " cried the Demon. " Perhaps BRAYHARD. 15 you object to my tail and my hoofs and the other hall- marks of my profession ? " " To tell you the truth," said the Champion, " I was about to suggest that you should wear some sort of covering for your tail, and I want to offer you this old umbrella case," handing it with a mocking bow to the Fiend, who savagely ran his tail through it. " Ton honour," laughed George, " you look positively comical ! " The Demon scowled, but he felt he wasn't dealing with an old woman now, so he said nothing nastv. " Any further orders, please ? " he inquired in a meek and servile tone. " Several," said George, who seemed to take a delight in degrading the unfortunate Fiend. " Stick your stumps into these old goloshes of mine," — throwing them at him — " and come and help me on with my seven-league sea-boots ! " The Familiar unostentatiously put his hoofs into the goloshes, and very awkward indeed were his movements in them. Then he threw back the lid of the trunk and took out the boots. Madame George {nic Kalyb) was all this time sitting on a three-legged stool by the fire, her head buried in her hands. She did not like the manner of her husband by any means, but she was aAvare that she had put herself completely in his power. When she saw the Demon opening the trunk — Aer trunk, that had cost her so much money and trouble to fill with magical odds 16 . BRAYHARD. and ends— she broke down utterly and burst into tears. The noble George was too much occupied in watch- ing the Demon to take any notice of the bride. When the Familiar took out the boots the Champion negli- gently stretched out his feet and said : " Mind my corns, you rascal, whatever you do ! " The Fiend chuckled to himself at the words, "for," said he, " if he cuts slits in these boots their magical power fades away." " What are you muttering ? " asked George angrily. " Nothing, sir," said the Fiend. " Then bring me my boots at once ! " thundered George, " Yes, sir. D'rectly, sir," answered the Fiend, shaking the dust from them viciously. Then came the tug of war. The boots were big enoush in all conscience, but the leather was so hard and unyielding that, drag and wrestle with it as he might, the unfortunate Familiar could not get the Champion's foot half-way down the boot. " Rub a little Golden Ointment on them," sobbed Kalyb, who had been watching the frantic movements of the Familiar with great anxiety. Thus addressed the Demon took from his pocket a small but inexhaustible wooden box and rubbed the ointment well into the boots, George scowling at him all the time as he sat with one boot half on. When the boots had been softened they slipped on BRAYHARD. 17 easily enough ; and then the Champion stood up and stamped on the floor noisily, again awakening the enchanted Donkey, who began to bray even louder than before. " Watchful animal that, sir," remarked the Familiar, a trace of a smile, which he quickly obliterated, curling his upper lip. " Lie down, you brute ! Lie down !" roared George going to the door of the cavern. Our Hero, as if in response, gave vent to an unearthly and inhuman heehaw and then became silent once more. " There's something wrong with that beast this evening," reflected George. "How are the boots worked ? " he asked, addressing his bride, " You must wish three times that they should start, and they will carry you seven leagues in less than seven seconds, dear," sobbed the disconsolate witch, who now knew that the Champion was about to start out on his travels immediately. " Thank you, dear," said the noble George, gallantly. " Now, Fiend," said he, " can you fix me up a neatly- mounted donkey's saddle and bridle, including a pair of gilt spurs ? And then I'll dismiss you for the night." The Fiend shouted down the hole in the floor of the cavern, and immediately he was handed up a beautiful saddle and bridle, and an elegantly Dutch-metalled pair of spurs. *' You can saddle the animal^ minion," said George, c 18 BRAYHARD. " while I fix my spurs and don my sword and hat- band." " Yes, sir, D'rectly, sir," said the Fiend, touching his forelock and disappearing through the door. " And art thou going right away, George ? " asked the witch. " Yes, my dear," he replied, fixing in a siDur, " And I'll tell you what you can do for me. Let me have the addresses of your sisters while I fix in the other spur." " Certainly," said Kalyb meekly, taking her address- book from her pocket and handing it to her husband. " Thou wilt see other addresses in it which may be useful to thee in thy travels. Thou wilt find all my sisters' addresses under K — Kalyb." "Thank you, dear," said the bridegroom. "Now help me on with my sword, and don't forget to put the latch-key — I mean the skeleton key — in my pocket and fix the hat-band on my best top hat ; and you may as well fill your reticule with diamonds and gold pieces." The witch fixed on his sword, put the skeleton key into his pocket, and tied a well-filled reticule to his waist with a string. Then, with a great sob, she handed him his best silk hat with the band around it. " Of course thou art not invisible to me, George," said she, playfully, as he placed his hat on his head, " for I am now practically a widow." " Donkey waits, sir I " said the Demon, appearing in the doorway. BRAYHARD. 19 " Oh, by the way," said George, " how about the seven-league boots and the Donkey ? Do they carry him seven leagues too ? " " Certainly, sir," replied the Fiend. " In our world we regard the Donkey and yourself as one." " Ta-ta, then/' said the noble Champion, backing c 2 20 ERAYHARD. himself to the doorway, and blowing a kiss to the witch. And as he got to the outer door of Kalyb Cavern he cried, " Heaven guard you all until I return ! " At these words the Fiend shrieked and exploded like a new ninety-ton gun ; the thunder crashed and the liffhtnins flashed ; and the roof of the cavern fell in with a terrific crash, burying the unfortunate though erring Kalyb in the ruins. CHAPTER II. Tiff between our Hero and Champion George— Brayhard Ex- presses his Indignation — Astonishment of George at Hearing the Articulate Voice of the Magical Donkey— Relaxed Con- dition of our Hero's Uvula— George's Hatred of Maxims— Our Hero Explains— Curious Effect of Involuntary Prayer— The Witch's Address-Book— Consultation at the Cross Roads —George Makes his Primary Experiment with the Seven- League Sea-Boots. " That's a pretty close shave ! " said George, brushing some of the dust of the ruins off his great-coat. " I wonder what has happened?" he ruminated, as he threw his right leg over the Donkey's back and straight- ened himself up in the saddle. " My old woman will be having nightmare if she goes to sleep with that load of rubbish on her chest. But perhaps it is the usual mode of bidding farewell to a bridegroom in witch-land ; and after all it isn't much more dangerous than a well-directed shower of slippers and rice. Gee- up ! " he cried, striking the Donkey on the flank with Kalyb's wand. The Ass made a plunge forward, braying loudly, and 22 BRAYHARD. very nearly caused the noble Champion to bite the dust. " You infernal imp of darkness ! " cried his rider, striking him viciously with the wand, and digging his gilt spurs into him. " Stop that fog-horn of yours, or I'll dispose of you to the nearest knacker ! " " Gratitude ! Gratitude !" sighed the Donkey. " What ! " cried the Champion in amazement. " Did I hear you say ' gratitude ' ? " " You did," replied the Donkey, hoarsely. " I did not know you could speak, Brayhard," laughed George. " The spell that sealed my articulatory throat was taken off only a few minutes ago, when the cavern fell in." " Talking of throats," said George, " it seems to me you suffer from some form of hoarseness. What is it?" " Relaxed uvula," replied the Donkey. "I thought so," said George. "Perhaps you would suck a handful of these potash lozenges. I find them useful myself occasionally." " Thank you," coughed the Donkey, turning his head round and licking a few dozen of tlie lozenges off the Champion's outstretched hand. " Yes, they are first rate," he said in a much clearer voice. " Thanks again, Champion ; and always remember to scorn not the least." " Oh, please don't," gi'oaned George. " I know a lot of that sort of thing by heart. ' A rose by any other BRAYHARD. 23 name would smell as sweet ; ' ' a man's a man for a' that.' Now look here, Brayhard, understand me plainly ; I don't live by maxims — I positively abominate them." " Ah ! " sighed Brayhard sadly. " Did you ever, noble Champion, read the fable of The Lion, the Net, and the Mouse ? " 24 BKAYHARD. " It is an advertisement of pills, or soap, or balsam, is it not ? " said George. " You need not answer me, Brayliard," hearing the Donkey clearing his throat by a few vigorous ahems. " I never read advertisements, or fables, or any other rubbish of that sort." " Sad ! Sad ! " groaned Brayhard. " Oh come ! Knock off that lachrymose business, and tell me, if you can : is your late Mistress dead or alive ? " " Alas ! " moaned the Donkey, " she is no more." " That's odd," said the Champion, " She assured me she would get a renewal of hei life policy — I mean life lease — if she married a good young man like me." " So she would," said the Donkey ; " but you settled her hash properly." " How ? " inquired the Chamijion. " You see," said Brayhard ; " the appointment with the head demon of darkness was for midnight. Madame, your widow — I shoidd say Madame, your late wife — would have got the renewal right enough had nothing unusual happened between the sinking to rest of the golden Phoebus and the witching hour of night when churchyards — " " Oh, blow your poetry ! " cried the Champion. " I suppose you mean between sunset and twelve o'clock midnight ? " "Yes," sighed the Donkey; "that is what I do mean. I fear, noble Champion, you are a bit of a Philistine." BRAYHAKD. 25 " If you don't mind yourself you'll slay me with your jawbone, then," chuckled George. " Go on. What about Kalyb — or Hortensia, I should say ? " " Yes ; it would be more becoming in you as a widower to speak more affectionately of the departed," murmured the Donkey, sententiously. " Get along with your yarn, old man ! " said George digging his spurs a little viciously into the didactic animal's flanks. Brayhard from mere force of habit now stretched out his forelegs, threw his hind legs into the air, and brayed loudly, pitching his rider head foremost to the ground. " Noble Champion, forgive me ! " roared our hero, as George sprang to his feet again and commenced to whack the devoted animal with the wand. " I quite forgot myself, I give you my word of honour. The 26 BRAYHARD. touch of your knightly spurs roused the demon that is ever latent in me. Get up again, like a decent fellow, and I will finish the recital of my narrative." "Well, please remember yourself a little better in future," fumed George, jumping into the saddle. " What "was the unusual thing you referred to that happened to the old woman between sunset and mid- night ? " " Your involuntary prayer," said the Donkey. " My what ? " asked the Champion. " Your final salutation in which you prayed the higher powers to guard her. She was mercifully taken from the gi'asp of the demon of darkness by your words. At the moment — that is between the sinkino- to rest — I beg pardon — between sunset and midnight — my late mistress was in a transition state. Her only chance of deliverance was an involuntary prayer from you." " How pathetic ! " murmured the Champion, molted to tears. " I must often pray involuntarily." " You weep ! " said Brayhard, feeling the salt tears trickling down his shaggy mane. " Weep on ! weep ever ! " " Oh, go to Bath, you old fool ! " cried the Champion, straightening himself in ^the saddle. " Well, what next ? " " When," resumed the Donkey, with a sigh, " the cavern fell, the spell u23on me was broken and my articulate voice was returned to me." BRAYHARD. 27 " You mentioned that already," said George ; " but what about my magical powers, though ? " " Gone ! All gone — like the old familiar faces ! " said Brayhard, sadly and drearily. " What a sell ! " muttered George with a savage snort. " Can't I summon up that familiar Fiend with my wand ? " " No," replied the Donkey. " He must have suffered a deal from his explosion, 1 fear." " I'm not much interested in his explosions," said George. " What about my sword and key, and boots and hat-band, Brayhard ? " " Oh, they're all right," replied the Donkey, cheerfully. "You see they are strictly transferable goods, like railway stock or family pictures." " Then," said George, " we had better test the virtues of the boots. How many leagues is it, do you know, to the house of the nearest of the old woman's sisters ? " " I cannot answer, noble Champion," said the Donkey ; " but no doubt you will find full particulars in the address-book which your late lamented wife handed to you." " Of course," said the Champion. " I never thought of the book. Only it is so dreadfully dark I don't know how I am to read the aforesaid particulars." " There is no wind," said our hero ; " and has not the noble Champion a box of waxlights ? " " Admirable Brayhard ! " exclaimed George, cheerily. "Thou art indeed a treasure. May thy life be long 28 BRAYHARD. and thy uvula short ! How do you find the throat now ? " Better. Much better," said the Donkey, dodging with his tongue the last of the potash lozenges. "Stand steady, old boy, then!" said the Champion, takinsj his match box and his address-book from his pocket and striking a light. " ' Anastasia Kalyb : seventeen leagues and a half due north from the post at the cross roads on the edge of the forest.' That's plain enough anyhow," said the Champion blowing out the light. " How far are we now from the cross roads ? " " Just round the corner," replied the Donkey. " I know the place well. In childhood's happy days I have often browsed peacefully on the short but sweet grass which surrounds the finger post." " Then lead on to the post, good Brayhard," said the Champion. " Gee hup, old boy," encouragingly. " How are we to tell the ' due north ' ? " asked George, " for I haven't got a compass." " Witches always steer by the north, or polar, star," said the Donkey. " Cast your eye over yon sky until you find the star." " Marvellously magical moke ! " said George, en- thusiastically, as they stood alongside the post. '' Perhaps you'd like a nip of something short — I mean the grass here — before you start ? " "Thanks, no," said Brayhard. "I had a good feed before starting from Kalyb Cavern." BRAYHARD. 29 *•' Yery well," said the Cliampion. " Now hold your head due north, and I'll wish three times." And in a moment Ass and Champion were whirling through the well-nigh midnight air. CHAPTER III. Our Hero Expands liis Lungs — Braying in a ]\Iinor Key — Music hath Charms to Soothe the Magical Beast — Inutility of Seven- Leagued Boots for Travelling Purposes — Our Hero in the Pound — Brilliant Idea of the Donkey — Champion George Wounds our Hero's Feelings — One Man, one Boot — The Licensed Cavern of Sisler-in-Law Anastasia — The Champion of England becomes Temporarily Invisible — First Experi- ment with the Skeleton Key — Brayliard Contemplates a Series of Revohitions — '* Whistle and I'll come to You, my Lad." " That's quick work, good Brayhard ! " said Champion George, as himself" and the Donkey landed in the middle of a ploughed field. " Yes," said Brayhard, " but it takes one's breath away so. If you do not object, I will indulge in a brief broy just to inflate and expand my lungs." " Well, cut it as short as you possibly can," said the Champion, " for it shakes every bone in my body when you get up to C sharp, or whatever your top note is." " I always warble in a minor key," said the Donke}', proudly ; and then he started such a row that poor BRAYHARD. 31 George had to cram his fingers into his ears, fearing his tympanum might give way. " Oh ! I do feel so much better," gasped Brayhard, after a few moments. " I am glad to hear your articulate voice again, I assure you," said the Champion, taking his fingers from his ears. "Do you know, I am passionately fond of music," said our hero. " I could Hsten for ever, and with equal pleasure, to the sweet harmony of a German band, to the merry tinkle of the muffin bell, or to the fine bracincr melodv of a steam fog-horn." " Your tastes are peculiar, certainly," said George. " But we had better be on the move again. Stop ! " said he, suddenly. " It never occurred to me until this minute. Can you work these boots down under the seven leagues ? " " No," replied Brayhard. " They go seven leagues to the inch. I never believed very much in their utility, I must confess. I tried to warn old Mother Kalyb against them, but my articulate voice was under the spell when I carried her to the magical Mock Auction Rooms where she picked them up. You see, noble Champion, you may start right enough, but you may come down in the Hue of a chimney, or find yourself up to your armpits in a boof-hole or a lime-kiln. Madame once lent them to a gentleman who was flying from his wife, and they landed him slap into the Divorce Courts." " Dear me ! " sighed the Champion, pensively. " How 32 BRAYHARD. awkward to be sure ! But we can't stop all night in the middle of a ploughed field. Hadn't we better chance another seven leagues ? " " As you wish," said the Donkey. " Personally I have no objection to lying down under a hedge hereabouts all night." "I'm not thinking of you personally," said the Champion. " Did you ever read the fable of The Wood-cutter and the Viper ? " asked Brayhard, sarcastically. " Did you ever read the fable of the Old Man and his Ass ? " inquired George, in a vexed tone of voice. " I hope you don't mean to be personal, sir," said the Donkey, highly indignant. " What I dont mean," observed the Champion, " is to remain in a field or under a hedge all night : so here goes for another seven leagues ! " And before the Donkey had time to draw another breath George had tugged the bridle and pointed his nose to the north star, and Brayhard was again whirling through the air with the Champion on his back. In a moment donkey and rider were landed in an enclosed yard. " Where on earth are we now ? " inquired George. " I shall never get over the disgrace of this," groaned poor Brayhard. " It is the first time I was ever inside a pound." "Inside a pound!" exclaimed George. "Then for goodness' sake, dear Brayhard, don't attempt to inflate BEAYHARD. 33 or expand your lungs in the ordinary manner, or we shall have all the accursed impecunious donkeys here joining you in a concerted piece ! " " I think I know my place, sir," said Bray hard, proudly, struofgling with his breath. " Well, let us get out of this as quickly as we can. We have just three leagues and a half more to go. We must do another flying jump and hope for better luck next time in our landing-place ; and I can trot you three leagues and a half back to Anastasia's Cavern. " " Trot me three and a half leagues at this hour of the night ! " exclaimed Brayhard. " Do you think I have a cast-iron constitution ? Stop ! " he cried sud- denly. " A brilliant thought strikes me." " Don't bray it, for the love of all that's peaceable," interrupted George. "You are so excited, I know you will, and I'm still in terror of your brethren here awakening." " I will be calm," said the Donkey, who in moments of elation contrived to mingle his braying voice with his speaking voice. " My brilliant idea is that as the two boots do seven leagues, one of them ought to do three and a half. What do you think of that for a donkey ? " he inquired excitedly, and with mock humility. " By Jove, a capital notion ! " said George. " But vou are so excited, I fear you will break into a bray. Now a capital thought strikes me too," he murmured to himself, dismounting. " I will take off one boot and D 34 BEAYHARD. tie it to my companion's tail. Even if the other boot fails to do the three leagues and a half, it will prevent old Brayhard from making an ass of himself here, as I feel almost sure he will." And suiting the action to the word, the wily Champion divested himself of his left boot and fastened it to our hero's tail with a stout piece of string which ho found in his great-coat pocket. Brayhard was deeply insulted at this proceeding on the part of the Champion, for the magical Donkey well knew his master's object in fastening a weight to his tail "There, old chap 1" said George, soothingly, vaulting BRAYHARD. 35 into the saddle ; " I couldn't find any place to make the odd boot fast to except your tail — you'll excuse the liberty, I hope ? " " Men were deceivers ever," sighed Brayhard. " Well do I know your chief object, noble Champion, in fastening a weight to my tail." " Now then, cut your grumbling short, governor ; and fix your snout on the north star, for I'm going to try if the ' one man, one boot ' idea has anything in it," said the Champion, affecting to ignore the Donkey's despondent mood. Then he wished three times, and in an instant Bray- hard and himself were whirling once more through the air ; and in less than no time they came plump down at the mouth of a cavern. " Splendid ! " exclaimed the Champion, hurriedly dis- mounting. " This is no doubt the abode of my elderly sister-in-law." "My eye catches something like a signboard over the entrance," whispered the Donkey. " Strike a light and see ! " So the Champion struck a light, and holding it up towards the board read : — "ANASTASIA KALYB " Licensed to deal wholesale or retail in sjnrits, Jioh^ gohlins, ogres, giants, monsters, &c. " Hell-hroth and fire-water for sale, to he consumed only on the premises." D 2 36 BBAYHAED. " This must be She ! " said George. " Not a doubt of it," said the Donlvey. " It is now after ordinary closing hours, but there are ni'ore ways than one of dodging the law." " I wonder if the old dame is asleep ? " asked George. " Asleep ! " smiled Brayhard. " Why, my dcai^ sir, this is the very witching time of night, and, as you ought to know well, witches never sleep after sundown." " Of course," said George. " I never thought of that. I wonder if I shall go in." " Certainly," said the Donkey ; " but first see that your invisible hat-band and your sword of Damocles are securely fastened in their proper places. You can easily open the door with the skeleton key." " Dear me ! " said George. " I had almost forgotten these things," feeling the scabbard of his sword and running his fingers round the hat-band. " I sujDpose we are completely invisible now ? " " No," replied the Donkey. " We were before you dismounted. Of course yott are still invisible to every one but me." " Of course," said George. " You are an ass." Brayhard bit his lips at the words but remained silent. " I wonder is Madame Anastasia a widow ? " " Not yet, at any rate," said the Donkey. " And while you are about it, you might as well put on your other boot, as 1 have no desire to be anchored here." BRAYHARD. 37 " Certainly," said George. " I might want to make a seven-league jump perhaps in a hurry. What a brilhant ass it is ! " he murmured, cutting the string which secured the boot to Brayhard's tail. " Steady, old man ! " he cried, suddenly. " I know you are going to bray — you really mustn't do that here, you know, in the enemy's country." " Excuse me," said the Donkey, gently. " The motion of my tail was purely involuntary. I will, however, restrain the promptings of nature and refrain from braying until a more suitable opportunity offers itself" " What a grandiloquent donkey it is, to be sure ! " said George, good-humouredly, as he pulled on the boot. " Thou must have had at least a school-board education ! " " No," said Brayhard, " I am purely self-taught. Be- fore my enchantment I was a promising member of our Local Government Board." "That accounts for it,'' said the Champion. "And now for Madame Anastasia ! " taking the skeleton key from his pocket and inserting it cautiously into the keyhole of the witch's door. "Just one moment !" said Brayhard. "If you will relieve me of the saddle I should like, as braying is prohibited, to roll on my back while you explore the cavern; and should I observe anything during my rotatory exercise which I think may presage danger or promise adventure, I will bray my very loudest as a signal." 38 BRAYHARD. " Thanks, faithful donkey," said the good George, taking the saddle off and laying it on the ground. " Gambol while you may, and if possible refrain from any violent exercise of your hee-hawing or braying organs. Brayhard shook his ears sadly, for the Champion's gaiety was distasteful to him. Then uttering a loud sigh he picked up the saddle with his teeth, and in a very iadistinct mumbling voice said, "I will trot off, good Champion, to a respectful distance and find a suit- able rolling spot, and when you require me, whistle, and I'll come to you, my lad." And shaking the dust off his hind-legs with a few healthy kicks in the air, the worthy and intelligent animal trotted noiselessly away. CHAPTER IV. Bond fide Travellers in the Witch's Kitchen — Anastasia "At Home " — Brewing of Hell-Broth — What Champion George Saw in the Licensed Cavern — Sister-in-Law Anastasia pro- poses a Health — Eucleness of David of Wales — The Pre- Niiptial Feast — Champion George's Opinion of the Personal Attractions of the Six Weird Sisters— He Listens invisibly to an interesting Conversation — Weird-Sisterly Bickerings — How Witches Live — Suggested Sweeper of Cobwebs out of the Sky — Duplicity of Sister-in-Law Mariana — George is fearfully Indignant and invisibly Slays his Six Weird Sisters-in-Law at one Fell Swoop — Further Familiar Fiends — A AVarning Note from our Hero — " Good Old Brayhard ! '' The lock of Anastasia's front door was easily opened with the magic key ; and then George found himself standing in a dark and narrow passage-way. "I'm so glad I'm invisible," said he, "for unless my ears deceive me I hear the hum of many voices. These must indeed be Som^rfc travellers," he mused. Secure in his invisibility, he walked boldly up the passage-way until he came to another door. " For- tunately," said the Champion, as he fumbled for the keyhole, " tins door is not ajar, or my further progress would be effectually barred." 40 BRAYHARD. The voices were now clear and distinct — the voices of many men and many women. '■ I suppose the old girl is indulging in an ' at-home ' this evening," tliought the Champion. " Well, I guess I'll astonish herself and her merry visitors. They do seem to be enjoying themselves ! " The second door was now open ; and the Champion entered a large low-ceilinged apartment noiselessly and invisibly, closing the door behind him. " Hallo ! Anastasia," he heard a shrill female voice say : ''■ there is a mighty strong draught here. I thought your door was closed." "So it is, and doubly fast too with one of those magical Hobb-goblin locks which I took out a patent for recently." " I'll swear I saw it open itself and close itself again, my dear," said the lady, tartly ; " and I am also sure I heard the bray of an ass." "You have evidently been indulging too freely in hell-broth, Wilhelmina," said Madame Anastasia, " and you must have been listening to the echo of your own sweet voice, dearest." " Can't you women talk without fighting ? " asked a man who was busy brewing a bowl of fire-water, " or fiofht without talkiiitj ? — I don't care which. Here, who calls for hot pun — I mean sweet fire-water ? " " Is there plenty lemon-peel and nutmeg in it, Denis, dear ? " asked Malame Anastasia, parrying a blow of Wilhelmina's broomstick. BRAYHARD. 41 " Lots," answered Denis, ladling out a mugful from a witch's cauldron shaped like a huge bowl, which stood on a small table at his elbow. Champion George was all this time gazing in silent and invisible wonderment at the strange scene before him. In the centre of the earthen floor was a circular loo--fire, and on this a cauldron with a spout like a kettle was simmering. Around the fire, on three- leo'o-ed stools, were seated six fearful-looking hags and six handsome, stalwart young men, the man addressed as Denis, with the small table alongside him and the ladle in his hand being evidently the Master of the Eevels. Denis filled twelve mugs with the ladle from the bowl-shaped vessel and handed a measure round to each of the company, reserving the last and largest mug for himself, " Now, gentlemen," said he, standing up and nodding to each of his five male friends, " I have a toast to pro- pose : * Health, wealth, and increase of magical power to our fair friends ' " (George thought he noticed him winking at one of the men as he said this), " ' and may they each and all of them secure the renewal of their life leases and the extension of their licences on equitable terms !' To your feet, Champions ! " The other five men rose, and holding their mugs high over their heads, cried, " Hip, hip, hurrah ! " and then they tossed off the boiling-hot fire-water as if it were so much gruel, and resumed their seats. BRAYHAED. 43 " Denis, and fellow Champions," said Madame Anas- tasia Kalyb, rising : " on behalf of my sisters, Wilhel- mina, Carolina, Adelina, Mariana, and Johanna, allow me to thank you most sincerely for your kind wishes, and for the sincere and inspiriting manner in which you have swallowed the toast. I am sorry I cannot respond also in the name of our dear sister Hortensia, and I own I feel alarmed at her absence. I know she burnt her broomstick a long while ago, but she always had the seven-league sea-boots handy, and I think if she were in her ordinary health and spirits, if no un- foreseen or untoward accident had happened to her, she would, though she is such a stay-at-home, be present on this memorable occasion. It is of course her wedding-day, but I am confident her worthy husband — a Champion like yourselves — would not prevent her from paying us a friendly visit, and in fact would accompany her here on this, as I have said before, momentous occasion, and if — - — " " Cut it short, old girl ! " said one of the young men. " Your fire-water will grow cold." " David," said Madame Anastasia, severely, " you are extremely rude. You have neither the all-round politeness of Denis, the gallant bearing of James, the marvellous calves of Andrew, the agility of Anthony. nor " (her hard features softened by a wreathed smile) "the sweet tongue of Patrick." " Blarney ! " laughed David. "Cut it short, old gni. 44 BRAYHARD. " I do not know what will become of you ; but, believe me, David, if you do not learn to keep your passion for fire-water in check you will never wear the belt." Seeing that liot words were likely to ensue between Anastasia and the Champion of Wales, the Master of the Revels proposed that the men should retire to the chimney-corner and smoke their pipes, and leave the ladies, as he politely said, to enjoy a confab and their hell-broth, or fire-water, round the declining embers — a proposal which seemed to meet with the unanimous approval of the company. George now understood the meaning of the strange scene. It was, indeed, the cavern of his sister-in-law, Anastasia; and he had no doubt this was a family gathering summoned to celebrate the approaching nuptials of the aix old Witches with the six young Champions. " And little do they know," he reflected, " that the first and greatest Champion of all is here in the flesh as well as in the spirit ! " He could not help thinking how fearfully ugly the six hags round the fire were. " Hortensia was hideous enough, in all conscience," said he to himself, " but she certainly was a professional beauty in comparison with her sisters. Can such ' things ' be ? " he groaned in- wardly, gazing at the six witches tossing off their steaming magical drinks. The valiant Champion thought of trying the effect of an involuntary prayer ; but on reflection he remembered BRAYHARD. 45 that if he deliberately uttered an involuntary prayer it would cease to be involuntary, and therefore might do no harm. " My sword ! " he thought, as he gazed at the Witches, now huddled closely together and wrangling as to the terms on which they would sign the renewal of the life leases. " But," he hesitated, " perhaps they are poor. They are certainly relations, and if poor, naturally poor relations " — for George was slow to think or argue, but quick to act — " upon whom my sword would have no effect. I will approach nearer and listen to their conversation. Perhaps I may gather from it the state of their finances." And holding his scabbard short to prevent it from tripping him up, the wily Champion advanced to the fire and stood alongside the Witches, gazing invisibly down upon them and straining his ears to catch every word that fell from their preternaturally ugly mouths. "Do you mean to show your husband where your hard earnings — the result of so much thought and labour, and of difficulty about getting the licence re- newed — are buried ? " asked Wilhelmina of Anastasia. " I do," answered Anastasia. " I am very fond of Denis. Besides, what's mine is legally his." '•' Bosh ! " sneered Wilhelmina. " The Married Women's Property Act extends to Witches, my Familiar tells me. For my part I have induced my Familiar — such an obliging fellow, dear girls — to get up a Brandy-and- Soda ' boom,' and I have already made a tremendous \ 46 BRAYHARD. fortune out of my B and S shares which you all scoffed at me for investing in." " What about the Jemima Mine ? " asked Johanna, with a fearful grin which almost beautified her diabolical countenance. " Yah ! You and your shares ! " she screamed. " Only for that lot of jerry-built houses I ran uj) some years ago I'd have been broke horse and foot listening to your advice, Willie, my pet." " And have the houses tumbled about your eai's yet, my sweet one ? " asked Wilhelmina. " Tumble or not, it's all the same to me," said Johanna. " The moment they wanted a coat of paint I turned them into ' The Adamantine Fire-and- Water- proof Residential Mansions Company, Limited ' and sold out at a fine profit, I can tell you." "•You were always a keen one, Joey," murmured Adelina demurely ; " but I don't think I've done so badly, either. I sold the patent of my Female Rejuvenator Washing Fluid to a speculative chemist. It was a lovely composition, but he spent all his accumulated savings on the patent and had nothing left to advertise with, so he was compelled to make another lovely composi- tion — " " With his creditors ? " interrupted Caroline with a smile. " Yes. How did you know, Carry, dear ? " " I was one of the chemist's creditors, Addy, my love." " Then have you lost everything, darling ? " " Not at all, my angel. I made a snug little sum out BRAYHARD. 47 of tlie transaction. The failure was a very heavy one. I had lent him money — or rather my agent, the money- lender, had — at a hundred and fifty per cent. — awfully cheap you know — and his affairs paid ten shillings in the pound. Besides I was secured to the extent of one half the advance — a bill of sale on his sticks — a mere matter of form," she smiled. " Clever darling ! " said Anastasia. " And what about you, Mariana ? You were also such a quiet little body and so precise." " I have always confined myself to what I consider to be a Witch's mission in life : frightening children — " " That doesn't pay, darling," interrupted Anastasia. " No, my beautiful. I am aware of that. I merely mentioned it as one of the duties of our state of life. I also have stuck to the good old custom of having a daily ride on my broomstick — a custom sadly neglected nowadays." " I suppose it is you who sweep the cobwebs out of the sky, darling ? " jeered Wilhelmina, " Pray do not allow Willie's manner to annoy you, sweetest," said Anastasia. " Your mode of life is, no doubt, a right and proper one ; but how have you made money, or have you made money at all ? " " Heaps ! " answered Mariana ; " by attending to what as I have said I consider my regular profession. The frighteninof of children and the broomstick exercise I look upon as my pastime proper. The business part of my life has been devoted to making sovereigns of 48 BRAYHAED. mystery gold and jewels of paste, but paste of such a quality that a blacksmith has failed to shatter my diamonds on an anvil. As for the sovereigns, they are perfect, but worthless. Out of our absent sister alone — Hortensia, I mean — I made a small fortune, selling her for her cherished Consols a large stock of coin and jewels not worth five shillings a hundredw^eight." This was too much altogether for Champion George. Great drops of perspiration started out upon his fore- head and (as he stooped over the witches) trickled down into tl>e fire, causing a succession of hissing sounds. The Witches huddled themselves so closely to- gether at the mysterious noises that their heads lay almost cheek by jowl like a bouquet of faded cabbage- roses. Champion George could not possibly resist the tempt- ation, and drawing his sword, silently and invisibly, from its scabbard he severed the heads of the six sisters at one fell swoop. Immediately the vault of the cavern opened with a crash and a blaze of fire, and six familiar Fiends dropped hurriedly to the ground trampling out the Witches' fire as they descended, and with lightning speed they shot up through the roof again, bearing with them the six heads and six bodies of the weird sisters. The cavern was filled to suffocation with sulphur and other fumes. The visible Champions in the chimney- corner stood transfixed with awe, horror, and smell ; and the invisible Champion was just about to wish himself 50 • BRAYHARD. (three times) seven leagues away when a terrible bray was heard which made the vault of the already damaged cavern tremble like an aspen. " Good old Brayhard ! " murmured George silently and invisibly. CHAPTER V. The Champion of England invisibly quotes Shakespeare — Grandiloquence of Champion James — Champion George reveals Himself to his Brother Champions — The Champions not on Strike — An Ominous Sound— Alarm of the Seven Champions — ^ Appearance of a Giant Boot — Bond fide Giant kicks the Cavern to Pieces — The Giant sees the Champions —George Challenges him to Combat — "I Don't want to Fight, but by Jingo if I Did " — Laughter of the Giant shakes loose the False Teeth of Champion Anthony — The Giant seizes Hold of the Champion of England — The Mission of Champions — Simplicity of Giant-Life — Measurements of the Giant— Gigantic " Kids "—The Giant's Weak Spot : liis Feet — A Bond of Sympathy — The Long-looked-for Distressed Female— Two Tons (and Upwards) of Solid Flesh— The Calculating Boy — Invitation to the Giant's Castle accepted by the Seven Champions. At the sound of the Donkey's voice George stood stock still. " Old Brayhard would not sound his fog-horn," he reflected, " unless something is about to happen which it would be better not to be seven leagues away from. Anyhow I am invisible, and if it is danger which threatens from outside I am protected by my hat-band, E 2 52 BRAYHARD. So terror avaunt 1 " he cried aloud. " George is himself again By this time the fiendish smoke had cleared away, the hole in the roof creating a draught and carrying it off quickly ; and the six Champions were now advancing to the centre of the floor in order to examine the rent in the ceiling. When they heard the exclamation incautiously uttered by George, the six visible Champions fell back a few paces in alarm. " Some one has been quoting Shakespeare," said Champion Denis, " if my ears do not deceive me." "It may have been that ass whose bray so rudely assailed our auricular organs a few moments since," said Champion James, who indeed was himself in the habit of indulging occasionally in a phraseology akin to that of Brayhard. " Now," thought George, remembering Hortensia's assurance that he would have power over the other and unwedded champions, " is the time to reveal myself ! " And tearing off his hat-band — a proceeding which rendered him instantly visible to the other Champions — he bowed and (putting the band into his pocket) said : " Gentlemen of France, Spain, Scotland, Italy, Ireland, and Wales ! Good afternoon ! Have you used — " "Who are you, sir?" interrupted Denis, frowning fiercely as he folded his arms, stroked his imperial, and assumed a general air of armed neutrality. BRAYHARD. 53 " If it comes to that, who are you, sir ? " asked George his hand on the hilt of his sword. " Oh, we don't want quotations from your Franco- British farces here, sir ! " said Denis snappishly. " This intrusion of yours on our desolate but domestic hearth is distinctly actionable." " Know then, varlets," said George, throwing his head back and expanding his chest until the top button of his great-coat, flew off and struck Antony in the eye, "that 1 wear the belt— that in fact I am George Che-ampicn of England ! " Denis and his companions fell back at the awful intelligence ; and drawing his sword, George negligently presented the hilt to each of them in turn and duly received their vows, on bended knees, of allegiance. " So far so good," said the mighty George. " And now, gentlemen of France, Spain " " Oh, cut it short, governor ! " interrupted David. " We have all read Walt Whitman." " Very well," said George. " In future I will simply say, gentleman all. And now, gentleman all," he went on, " have you — " here he hesitated and coughed — " have you, in fact, anything to suggest ? " " We've got no work to do !" moaned Denis. " You're not on strike, I hope ? " inquired George eagerly. " Oh dear, no," answered Denis. " Then your complaint is easily remedied," said Georo-e. " But what is this ? " he cried in alarm, as a O" 54 BRAYHARD. sound as if of the tramp of a battery of artillery saluted the ears of the assembled and now trembling con- federates. George, fearful lest the sound was caused by a company of mounted champion Roberts, was about to wish himself seven leagues away when again the sonorous bray of the Donkey was heard high above every sound. " Brayhard would not play me false ! " reflected Georo^e. " I am here : I will remain here." As this noble sentiment rushed through his brain the cracked vault of the cavern seemed again to tremble as if the hammers of a pile-driver were falling on it regularly. In a moment something that seemed like a hobnailed boot — but of preposterous dimensions — was observed coming awkwardly down through the hole in the roof. The boot was followed by a leg, and the leg by another boot and leg, all of which stretched themselves over most of the cavern floor, compelling the Seven Champions to huddle themselves together in the chimney corner. " Bless my soul ! " a voice up aloft was heard saying — a voice like muffled thunder — " I must have stepped into a pit or something." Then with a stupendous kick the Giant (for of course this was a real Giant) knocked the entire cavern to pieces, and it was as much as the Seven Champions could do to struggle alive out of the d6lris. Exhausted by his efforts, the unfortunate Giant, whose shin was badly " barked," sat hiinself on the BRAYHARD. 55 ruins of the cavern, and as he did so the light of a newly-risen moon revealed to him the struggling and dust-coated forms of the Champions. " Now for an adventure ! " whispered George to his confederates. " We must challenge this chap to combat — single combat on his part of course." " Hallo ! " cried the Giant. " Do my eyes deceive me, or do I see men ? " " Yes," shouted George ; " you see more than men : you behold the Seven Champions, who forthwith challenge you to combat." "My dear fellows," chuckled the Giant, pulling up the leg of his trousers to examine his damaged shin, " I assure you I don't want to fight — but by jingo if I did," he continued with a roar — at least it seemed a roar to the Champions, but it may have been only a gigantic whisper. " That's all very fine," yelled the Champion of England at the top of his voice ; " but fight you must ! " And making a bundle of the six gloves of his companions rolled into his own big riding glove he attempted to strike the Giant in the face with it, but the bundle only hit the chest of the Giant and fell harmlessly into his lap. " A poultice ! " he exclaimed picking up the gloves and proceeding to bandage his shin with them. " Thanks very much, dear boys." George was in an awful rage now. " It is no use 56 BRAYHARD. my attempting to reach the fellow's head," he whispered to the other Champions, " for as near as I can guess his neck is at present about thirty feet from the ground. It is no use either to hack at his toes or his legs or the small of his back, for a Giant is vulnerable nowhere but in or about the head, it being the only soft part of him. Besides, if a Giant declines to fight he places you in a very awkward position. I wish I had old Brayhard here to consult in this emergency." " Who's he ? " asked Denis. " My steed," replied George. " Now little people," said the Giant (who had finished poulticing his shin), bending his head as low as it was possible for him to bend it without inducing a fit of apoplexy, " who or what are you — really, you know ? " "As we have already informed you, base, brutal, and sanguinary Giant," replied George, " we are the Seven Champions." "And what do you do fur a living?" asked the Giant. " Our duties are to rescue females in distress — " " Oh, I know," interrupted the Giant. " Kind of sort of policemen at a crossing. Anything else ?" George curled his lip disdainfully, and turning to his companions whispered : " What an ignorant snob ! '" Then lifting his eyes again in the direction of the Giant's head he bawled out : " One of our chief duties is to decapitate and generally exterminate monsters ; BRAYHARD. 57 such as fiery dragons, ogres, centaurs, two-headed peacocks, pig-footed ladies, and Giants," he added, with a defiant shout. The Giant burst into a roar of laughter which made the ground tremble and shook loose a couple of beauti- ful false teeth which graced the front of Anthony's mouth just under his moustache. " You annoy me very much," exclaimed George, " by your supercilious tone." " Why cut their heads off ? " asked the Giant, still chuckling a little. " Wouldn't it be better to exhibit those monsters ? At the same time, master Champion, I have one bit of advice to give you, and that is — First catch your monster ! " " We have caught one in you at any rate, and a very cowardly one, I must confess," sneered George. " Well, you are a cheeky little beggar," chuckled the Giant. " I can't help liking you for your pluck, mis- placed as it is." Then suddenly stretching forth his hand he seized hold of George, not more roughly than he could help, and with a gigantic " heigh-ho " he scrambled to his feet. The other Champions rushed behind a neighbouring tree, where they considered it would be more prudent to watch the movements of the monstrous creature. The Giant now held the Champion of England be- tween his forefinger and thumb, and lifting his hand high in the air examined him critically by the increasing light of the moon. Poor George felt quite sick and 58 BRAYHARD. giddy, for it seemed to him that he was at least a hun- dred feet from the ground, and the Giant's thumb was a very awkward-looking affair. " Pretty little creature ! " murmured the Giant, bring- ing his hand closer to his eyes. " I. must not hold you too near my mouth or I fear my rough voice would damage your hearing apparatus. Come, what is the meaning of tliis thirst for Giants' blood ? " he asked with a short chuckle. "What injury have I done to you or yours that you should endeavour my quietus to make with your little bodkin ? " At the playful reference to the great Sword of Dam- ocles the Champion positively trembled with passion. "We Cliampions," said he, with renewed courage, BRAYHARD, 59 " are not supposed to enquire into the rights or wrongs of things. Our mission is to kill somebody or something out of the common." " Poor me ! " sighed the Giant. " And why seek to kill me personally ? I am a perfectly simple, harmless creature — a respectable married Giant with a wife and a small family. I am a teetotaller, a vegetarian, and a member of my own anti-tobacco league. I am neither a vivisector, nor a politician, an emperor, nor a personal paragraph writer. Why seek to exterminate me ? " Champion George was unable to decide Avhether the Giant was laughing at him or not, but he could not help feeling very small when he caught sight of the white handkerchief which the big creature took from his pocket to brush away a tear. " What is the measurement of that piece of canvas ? " he asked, curiosity getting the better of him, " Twenty-three feet six inches square. I order all my own clothes and things," said the Giant, "so I know the correct measurements, and will be quite happy to give you any further information about my unworthy self." " How high are you exactly ? " asked George. '■' Sixty-three feet three inches — I run to sixty-four feet when my hair hasn't been cut for a month," answered the Giant briskly. " I like to be asked these questions, little man," he added gently, "Anything else you'd wish to know ? " " Your calf and chest measurement ? " 60 BRAYHARD. " Sixteen feet five inches, and forty-six feet two inches respectively. I am in rather poor condition now. When I used to do my 154 lb. dumb bells and walk my two hundred and twenty miles a day I used to measure a lot more," sighed the monster ; " but an attack of measles and whooping-cough combined, which " — " Good gracious ! " yelled George. " Those are fear- fully catching complaints, and an attack of giant whooping-cough would tear the chest off an elephant, not to talk of a mere man ! " " Oh, you are quite safe," smiled the Giant. " The attack I referred to occurred more than a year ago — it pulled me down dreadfully, I must say. I haven't felt the same person since. But I am only eager to satisfy your curiosity about my dimensions," he went on> brightening up, " so pursue your inquiries and you will find a willing answerer in me." " What do you take in gloves ? " asked George, gazing askance at the thumb which surrounded him. " Ninety and a quarter in kids. It is a pretty tight squeeze too, I can tell you, for my hand is rather long — nearly eight feet and a half, and very broad in — or rather out of — proportion." " Your boots seemed a pretty tidy size," said the Champion, " as they came down through the hole in the roof" " Ah ! " sighed the Giant, " Now you touch me on my weak spot — my feet. They are fearfully large. Fifteen feet by five. What do you think of that ? " BRAYHARD. 61 " Bad for beetles, I should say," smiled the Champion. " And rough on rats too, I can tell you," laughed the Giant — "but, seriously, I am greatly upset about the size of my feet. When I was young I used to try and make my feet fit my boots and failed ; now I try to make my boots fit my feet, and I also fail. I have a pet bunion which measures one foot four inches across," " This is most interesting," said the Champion. " Moreover, it establishes a bond of sympathy between us, for I suffer dreadfully from corns. It will, perhaps, ease your mind to inform you I have decided not to carry out my war of extermination against you person- ally ; but, tell me, have you got any distressed females at your castle ? for it certainly behoves me to rescue them, if there be such persons in your keeping." " Well, to be candid with you, we have a distressed female at our castle," replied the Giant. " You see, being frugal people, we employ but one slavey, and as we do our washing at home she frequently complains of being most distressed." "Then she must be rescued at any cost," said the Champion, gallantly. " You'd better learn her dimensions before you make up your mind for the task," said the Giant. " She is forty-one feet three inches round the narrowest part of her waist ; and she weighs two ton, one cwt., three quarters, fourteen scruples, and one drachm, by mixed avoirdupois and apothecaries weight." 62 BRAYHARD. " Rather a large order, certainly ! " said the Champion reflectively, " I do not in the least object to you rescuing her," said the Giant. " In fact I'd give a lot to get quietly rid of her ; but when I offer her a month's notice she works herself into a fit, and then lays about frantically with a rolling-pin, seventeen feet five inches in length by six and a half feet in girth." " You seem to be a regular whale at dimensions," observed the Champion of England. " Yes, indeed ! " sighed the Giant, " I am rather given to figures. In my youth I was held up to scorn as the Calculating Boy. But don't let us forget the dis- tressed female, little man." " How am I to get to your castle ? " asked George. " Oh, I can take you to it in a very short time. Let me see," said the Giant ; " I calculate I can get from here to the ferry^ — " " What ferry ? " inquired George, interrupting him. " I live on a small island in the neighbourhood," said the Giant ; " and I keep a private ferry boat to convey me backwards and forwards. But to return to a calcu- lation of the distance : it will take me two minutes and a half to reach the feiTy steps, walking briskly. If you follow me, immediately, you ought to be at the ferry, walking briskly, in less than twenty-five minutes after me. The rest of the journey you will perform in the' boat and in my tax cart, which will be in readiness at the other side." BRAYHARD. 63 " Does the invitation extend to my confederate Champions ? " asked George. 64 BRAYHARD. " Certainly," replied the Giant. " Bring them all along. The more the merrier." " Would a little donkey be much in the way?" asked the Champion, persuasively. " A human donkey — I mean one like yourself ? " inquired the Giant, " Oh, yes," said George. " He is my private steed, and I may tell you in confidence, a worthy though a con- ceited quadruped." " Fetch him along by all means ! You will easily be able to find your road by keeping my figure in view. Ta, ta ! little man," he said, laying George down gently on the ground. — "Eph!" he cried, as he started, "it will take me a good three minutes Sindi forty seconds to get to the ferry. My shin is as stiff as buckram." George now beckoned his companions to come from behind the tree, and hurriedly told them all about the Giant and the arrangement for inspecting the castle and the distressed female before finally deciding on her rescue. Then putting two fingers into his mouth, he whistled loudly. His whistle was answered by a sonorous bray ; and in a few moments the faithful Donkey was by his side, holding the saddle in his teeth and looking by the light of the moon much better after his rotatory exercise. CHAPTER Vt Our Hero Disapproves of the Accepted Invitation — March to the Giant's Ferry — Punctuality of the Giant — Brayhard not a Marine Steeple-Chaser — All on Board ! — A Furlong at a Stroke — Landing on Giant Island — TJie Giant pooh-pooh's Champion George's Corns — The Giant's Trap — The Tiger — Our Hero's Pedigree — Giant Always Home with the Milk in the Morning — Starting for the Giant's Castle — The Bolting of the Mare — One Hundred and Sixty-five Miles an Hour — • Careering through Imaginary Cemetery — The Seven Cham- pions Terror-stricken — "The Pace is Killing" — Our Hero Brays. A PROCESSION Avas soon under way to the Giant's ferry. George rode at the head on his Donkey, and was followed on foot by the other Champions in single file. The night was now almost as bright as a dull afternoon, and the figure of the Giant was easily dis- tinguishable in the distance as he tramped briskly on towards his ferry. " This is rather a rum go, Champion," said Brayhard, after George had told him all about the six Witches, the six Champions, and the Giant. " You know the moment I saw the big fellow plunging along heavily in F 66 BRAYHARD. the darkness — for the moon wasn't over the edge of the horizon when I first signalled to you — I thought you would rush out from the cavern and instantly slay him. Now you tell me that he and you have a sympathetic bond in your corns or bunions, and that you are going on a friendly visit to his castle, I can only repeat, Champion, it is a rum go." " You see, he wouldn't fight," explained George. " I challenged him : I threw all our gloves at him. I insulted him grossly. I think my conduct in the matter leaves nothing to be desired. Besides, I couldn't get at his soft spot — his head — because it was out of my reach, except when he held me up in his hand. And then I was completely surrounded by his forefinger and thumb, and could not draw my sword." " Oh, I quite acquit you of anything like cowardice," said the Donkey ; " but I cannot look with satisfaction upon this friendly visit to his castle. He may have man-traps and donkey-traps all over his grounds." " I have perfect confidence in the monster," said George. " He is a most amiable creature, and thinks of nothing but figures and calculations. And re- member, I have to rescue this distressed female, in which task I shall count upon your aid." " I hope you don't expect me to draw over two tons of distressed female, for I tell you honestly, before- hand, I could not possibly draw more than a third of that weight," grumbled Brayhard. ■' I can plainly see you are dissatisfied witli tliis BRAYHARD. 67 expedition," said George. " Now, whatever may hap- pen to the other Champions we — I speak in the first person plural, deliberately — have our seven-league boots and our invisible band (which I have stowed away in my pocket for the present), and the other paraphernalia. To be candid with you, Brayhard, I would part with you willingly here, but my corns ache so dreadfully that walk I cannot. So pluck up courage, for here we are at the ferry steps." "Just as I expected," cried the Giant, who was standing in the stern of the boat, holding his watch in his right hand. " You have arrived exactly twenty- three minutes and twenty seconds after me. I'm glad it is high water, little people, for you can now step straight on board. If you had to walk down my steps a ladder would have to be found, and even with a ladder we couldn't make much of a hand of the dear little donkey. Get on board, gentlemen, if you please," said he, holding the boat tight alongside tlie steps. " How am I to jump over the gunwale ? " asked Brayhard of his master. " I am not accustomed to marine steeple-chasing. It is easy enough for you Champions to climb over, but what about poor me ? " Brayhard spoke in such a high key that the Giant heard him plainly, and at once caught him by the nape of the neck and lifted him into the ferry-boat, de- positing him carefully in the bottom of the boat. Then the Champions clambered over the side, and huddled themselves together on one of the thwarts. F 2 BRAYHAED. 69 " Ready, all ? " asked the Giant, looking around and picking up one of the oars, " Yes, thanks," answered George. " Here goes then ! " cried the Giant, shoving off the boat with the oar. Then he stepped back to the middle thwart, and dexterously shipped his oars in the rowlocks. " Your voices can scarcely reach me here, little men," he said, making a stroke which shot the boat a tremendous distance, it seemed to the Champions, across the stream, " I do exactly a furlong at a stroke — eight of them to a mile, you know. It is just ten miles across this bit of a river, and I do it in exactly eighty strokes. Perhaps you would like to know the dimen- sions of this little tub,'* he continued, after a pause. " She is two hundred feet over all, and just carries myself and my little family. The oars are a hundred and seventy-six feet in length, but I have a pair of long sweeps which run to two hundred and nine feet. We're getting pretty close to the other side, now, young people. I count automatically, and this is my fifty- fifth stroke, so I know we have broken the heart of our water journey." And beguiling the time with this pleasant but instructive chatter, the Giant at last said, " seventy- eight, seventy-nine, eighty ! " and shot the boat along- side an enormous pier. At least it seemed to be an enormous pier to the Chainpions when they scrambled over the gunwale and 70 BRAYHARD. dropped on the landing-place, but it was really only a very tiny landing-slip, which the Giant had built in a few afternoons with his own hands. The Giant made the boat fast with a chain cable, and then he lifted Brayhard out of the bottom of the boat, and dropped him ashore, following the Ass himself immediately. " My trap is just at the top of the landing-slip," said he, stooping and addressing George, who was about to mount the Donkey. " It can't hurt your corns very much to walk the distance. It is only a little over six hundred yards. I do it in half a minute, walking only forty-four miles an hour." George was growing bewildered with the calculating Giant's figures. " But I can't walk at the rate of a ' Flying Dutchman,' " expostulated the Champion. " I'm not built that way." " No," said the Giant ; " but surely you can do six hundred yards without putting yourself across a donkey's back ? If you had my sixteen-inch bunion to contend with I suppose you'd never walk a step." " I expect not," observed George, with a smile. " \Vhy when 1 was in training," said the Giant, "I used to do the whole distance easily in ten running jumps." George felt somewhat shamefaced at hearing this, and taking Brayhard by the bridle he followed the Giant up the landing-place, the six Champions trudging sturdily behind. BRAYHARD. 71 When the Seven Champions and the Donkey reached the top of the landing-place, they found the Giant standing alongside his trap, watch in hand. " You didn't do quite four miles an hour, little people," said he. " The journey has occupied you six minutes and forty-three seconds. I will calculate your exact speed by and by. Jump up in front," he ex- claimed, " you Champions ! My Tiger will look after the Donkey behind." At these words Brayhard set up an ear-piercing bray. " I knew it would come to this," he bellowed. " I will not be taken care of by a giant tiger, nor even by an ordinary tiger." And again he burst forth into an unearthly peal of brays. "Shut up, you ohl fool!" roared George. *'The gentleman — I should say the Giant— only means his boy in buttons — that elderly-looking youth who is now at the horse's head." The Giant seemed to enjoy Brayhard's discomfiture immensely. " What qi suspicious creature your friend is ! " he said to George. " You see, he is not accustomed to Giants," said the Champion. " And you can't expect a mere donkey to know the manners and tone of polite society. I fear he is badly bred, Giant." " I'm as well bred as the best of you," exclaimed the Donkey, highly indignant , at George's words. " My mother had fourteen electro-platovl medals, and my father once drew fifteen hundredweight of coal up a steep hill 72 BKAYHARD. without taking the two sides of the road for it ; and both of them," he went on excitedly, " could trace their pedigree back in a direct line to the zebra, and that's better than a monkey any day in the week." " What a little evolutionist it is, to be sure ! " said the Giant with a smile. "But jump in, Champions !" he cried. " I have forgotten my latchkey, and I don't want to keep the missus waiting up for me. I am always home with the milk in the morning^, and it must be pretty well advanced on the small hours now. What o'clock is it, Tim ? " he inquired of the Tiger, for though he was in the habit of consulting his watch frequently, he seldom knew the hour, using the watch chiefly for the purpose of calculation. " Four fifteen A.M." answered the Tiger, touching his cap respectfully. " Oh, we can easily get home by five o'clock," observed the Giant in a cheerful tone. "Our milk is delivered punctually at five," he explained, stooping to George. "It is no use in saying 'jump in,' " growled George, " for your trap is altogether too high, and I wasn't brought up to the trapeze business." " Of course," said the Giant. " I had almost forgotten. I will lift you all in as tenderly as if you were kittens." And very tenderly did the great creature pick up the Champions, depositing them one by one on the front seat of the trap. " It seems like moving pawns in a game we call chess," said he, stepping briskly into the cart after he had lifted David (who was fast asleep) — BRAYHAED. 73 the last and the smallest of the Champions. " Poor little man ! " said he. " How he snores ! I can hear him quite distinctly." " I think he had too much fire-water at the Witches' party," observed George, but in so low a tone that his voice did not reach the Giant's ears. " Now, Tim," cried the Giant to his Tiger ; " let go her head, and jump up behind with the Donkey !" So Tim the Tiger let go the mare's head, caught the trap behind with one hand, and made a grab at the Donkey with his other hand, and jumped up into his place with an air of smug self-satisfaction. But this air was soon changed to one of alarm, for he had missed Brayhard's head, and had lifted him by the tail : and the Donkey not being accustomed to such treatment, put all his powers of utterance into one desperate bray. The sound was so loud and vibrating that it very nearly shook the Champions off their seat, and the giant mare, hearing it, bolted down the road. " She's going a hundred and sixty-five miles an hour now," said the Giant enthusiastically, consulting his watch, and timing the speed by the gigantic white mile- stones, which they flew past at such a rate that the Seven Champions thought they were careering madly through a cemetery. " I can calculate our speed to a nicety by the mile- stones," explained the Giant, quite unaware of the fact that the Champions were now holding on to each other 74 BRAYHARD. and to various parts of the seat in abject terror, the eyes almost dazzled out of their heads by the constant flashes of the white tombstone-Hke mile-stones. The Donkey was completely exhausted by the awful bray of which he had recently delivered himself, and was now lying across the knees of the Tiger (who had suddenly folded his arms and fallen fast asleep) in a dead faint. " I must check her a bit," said the Giant, still holding his watch in his right hand. " That's it 1 I have got BEAYHAED. 75 her down to a hundred and thirfcy-two miles an hour now. Easy, easy, old girl ! " he cried, for he was getting tired of holding his watch. " Easy, easy ! You're better at a hundred and ten miles an hour, my girl. That's it ! " he observed, after a few moments. " A hundred and ten, to the inch. Keep at that, my beauty ! " Then stooping down, and still keeping his eye on the mare, he said : " Nice trotter, George, my boy. Just lost her head a bit at the start, but she's going beauti- fully now. We'll be home in good time — at four minutes to five exactly at this pace ; and, by the way, it just occurs to me, that you're in luck, for to-morrow, or rather," he corrected himself, with a smile, " I should say, to-day, is washing day, and you will no doubt have the opportunity of inspecting our distressed female in one of her tantrums. — Good gracious me ! " he cried in alarm, as he stooped lower to pick up his whip. " Why, what ails you fellows ? " " The pace — the pace is killing ! " moaned George. " It strikes me that's a quotation," said the Giant. " And pray," he asked a little ill-humouredly, for he was fond and proud of his mare, " do you want me to walk the animal ? She is a disgustingly slow walker, and she's a bit fresh to-night, and wants a trot badly. Why, man alive, she walks only twenty-seven and a half miles an hour ! The pace would freeze us all in the chill of the early morning." " Well, fasten us somehow," moaned George, piteously. So the Giant stooped down and passed a leather 76 BRAYHARD. band, about tbe size of the endless large band of a machine, round the Seven Champions. Then he bored a hole in each end of the band with a gimlet as big as a small poker, which was concealed in the back of his pocket knife, and securely fastened each end of the band with a small hawser which he pulled out of his waistcoat pocket. " Now you ought to be pretty comfortable, little men," he said. " We shall sig;ht the castle in a few minutes. The sun will soon be up, for the light of the moon is waning visibly." Here the Donkey gave a loud bray. CHAPTER VII. Automatic Salutation of the Dawn — The Giant's Castle in Sight — Chanij^ion George asks Giant for his Name as a Guarantee of Good Faith— Tom Smith ! — Particulars of the Smith Family — The Tiger Sleeps — Arrival at the Giant's Gate — Brayhard Missing — Quarrel between the Giaut and the Tiaer — Bray- hard turns up Unexpectedly — Ingenious Lie told by the Magical Donkey — A Challenge — Six Hundred and Thirty Miles an hour — The Milkman has a Miraculous Escape — The Giant a Grammarian — First Appearance of the Distressed Female — Bridget Fancies the Seven Champions are Lepre- chauns — Champion Patrick Nearly Smotliered — The Giant makes a Joke — "Welcome to Castle Smith," " Eh ! what's that ? " cried the Giant, his attention taken off the mare. "Only the Don- key," answered George, " He al- ways crows auto- matically at the first streak of dawn." " Intelligent animal 1 " 78 BRAYHARD. observed the Giant. "But sec. Master Champions, our castle is heaving in sight 1 Would any of you like to have a look at it ? " " They are all fast asleep, except myself," answered George. " Poor chaps were quite worn out ; it was only the excitement of the ride that kept them awake so long." " Well, perhaps you would like a peep ? " said the Giant, politely. " Certainly," answered the Champion. " But I can see nothing from where I am, except the top of the leather band." " That's easily remedied," said the Giant, shifting the reins to his right hand and holding George up with his left. " It seems a pretty tall building," said the Champion, as the Giant held him in his hand about on a level with his breast. " Looks like a very fat lighthouse. How high is it ? " "Eleven hundred feet, to the inch," answered the owner. " We'll be there in a quarter of an hour now — just short of twenty-eight miles from this." " By the way," said the Champion, "it is rather awkward my not knowing your name. Do you mind mentioning it to me as a guarantee of good faith ? " " Not at all," smiled the Giant. " It is very simple, though not an ordinary name in these parts — Tom Smith." " Short and sweet, certainly," said the Champion. " I suppose it is your wife's name too ? '* BRAYHARD. 79 " Oh, yes," replied the Giant — " the latter portion of it. Though perhaps it is not my place to say it, I am, as I have already hinted, a very respectable sort of person, so the lady's name is Mrs. Smith." " Your children — I think you said yon had a smfill family," observed the Champion — "your children are, I suppose, called after you ? " " Of course," said the Giant. " I have but one son. His name is Bill Smith, and my only daughter is Mary Smith — we call her Daisy for short," " You will excuse my curiosity in seeking to pry into your private affairs, but when one is payiog a visit, it is well to be acquainted with the names of the family." " Don't mention it," said the Giant. " I know I omitted to hand you my card when I invited you here, but the fact is I seldom carry a card case, as my circle of acquaintances is extremely limited." " Is the distressed female a Smith too ? " asked the Champion. " Oh, no," replied the Giant. " Her name is Bridget ! Ton my word, I couldn't tell you what her other name is. She came to us without a reference or a character in the beginning, and I have never calculated — I mean inquired " he corrected himself — *' what her second name is or ought to be." " Perhaps she hasn't got one ? " suggested George. " Very likely not," said the Giant. "Has she any followers?" inquired the Champion. 80 BRAYHARD. " None," answered Mr. Smith. " We do not allow them." " That may have something to do with her distressed condition," hazarded George. '^Very like, very like," replied the Giant in an absent-minded way. Then suddenly brightening up, be exclaimed. " Hallo ! here we are at the gate ! Jump down, Tim ! " he cried, turning his head round to address the giant Tiger. — "Jump down, you sleepy rascal ! " he roared in so loud a voice that the six champion sleepers were rudely startled from their slumber. The giant Tiger rubbed his eyes, and then hurriedly jumped to the ground, letting poor Brayhard fall to the road from his knees. The unfortunate Donkey felt sadly discomfited by the Tiger's rude treatment of him, but he thought there was no use in crying over a spilt ass, so he very sensibly rolled himself over and over on his back, hee-hawing very gently the while. The Tiger opened the gates and Mr. Smith drove the trap through. " We have no lodge, and no gate-keeper," he explained to George. " Giant servants are so scarce and so expensive ! Ready, Tim ? " he inquired, turning round afjain." " Yes, sir," said the Tiger, touching his cap with one hand and fastening the gate with the other. " Donkey pretty comfortabUi ? " " Bless my soul, sir ! " cried the Tiger, " I had quite BEAYHARD. fil forcrotten tlie animal. Must have lost him on the road, Sir. " You ass ! " roared the Giant. " Go back and find him then. I heard hira bray fifteen minutes ago, so you have one hour and one minute to get from here to where he brayed last and back. That's at the rate of about fifty-five miles an hour, so you'll have to run pretty sharp." " But think, sir, of the weight of him coming back ! " expostulated the Tiger. " I haven't time to calculate that," said the Giant. " Your carelessness must be punished, so start at once when I say 'Off!'" And pulling out his watch he was just about to give the starting word when Brayhard, who had been listen- ing outside, was observed coolly walking in through the iron bars of the gate. " Good gracious ! " cried Mr. Smith. " Why here is the animal, and not a feather turned on him. How did you manage to keep up with the marc, my worthy fellow ? " " Oh, that's nothing," answered the Donkey evasively : " I'd build a fire under her occasionally if I were you. I had a good feed of thistles after falling out of the trap, and I had no difficulty at all in overtaking you." Of course this was a distinct equivocation, but Bray- hard lied so unblushingly that George and the Giant were equally puzzled. The ingenious Donkey had reflected that with the aid G 82 BRAYHARD. of the Champion's seven-league boots he could kuoclc spots out of the Giant's mare, and he had a project in his mind, to suggest later on a " go-as-you-please " across the country for a heavy wager. "It ought not to take Champion George more than a minute to wlsli three times, and a minute to get his breath again on landing, so we can do twenty-one miles in about two minutes — that is," he had calculated, " ten miles and a half in a minute, or six hundred and thirty miles an hour." The Giant was almost speechless from astonishment BRAYHARD. 83 and vexation, and George (who was still in the hand of Mr. Smith) could not possibly make out what was the meaning or object of the Donkey's brag. " This will completely upset all my calculations," said the Giant, half to himself. " That is," he added, " if Master Brayhard can prove his words, and if he can't I'll cram him (as they cram human aldermen) with thistles until he becomes a bloated and useless member of society. Get up, Tim," he cried to the Tiger, "and keep a firm grip of that marvel in ass-flesh ! " " Oh, you may jeer at me as much as you like," chuckled the Donkey with a loud and contemptuous hee-haw : " but if I can't show your mare her paces I'll return into private life, and draw a milk-cart for the remainder of my natural days." Tiger Tim caught the braggart Donkey by the nape of the neck and jumped up behind. The Giant then gave the mare a vicious flick and in about a minute and a quarter the trap (very nearly running over the milk- man) had reached the hall door of Castle Smith just as five o'clock was boomed out by the stable chronometer. "This will never do," roared Mr. Smith to the ap- proaching milkman. "You are," depositing George on the seat, taking out his watch, and waiting until the man had laid his can on the front door-step — " You are exactly forty-three seconds late." " Sha'n't occur again, sir," said the milkman. "I'd have been up to the second, only for running out of the mare's way." G 2 84 BRAYHAED. " A paltry excuse/' said the Giant, who was in a very- bad humour, owing to the taunts of the Donkey. " Send in your bill." " Oh, don't ask me to do that, sir, please," sobbed the milkman. " I have a wife and three cows depending on mc for tlieir support. Think of the helpless condition of those orphan cows, sir, if anything were to hapjien between you and I." "Between you and me, if you please, milkman," said Mr. Smith. " Whatever your honour likes, sir," said the milkman. " It sha'n't occur again, sir. Even if you run me clean down another time, I'll take care to be up to the second," " Oh, give the poor fellow a chance," said George. "Forty-three seconds can't make much difference, surely !" " It makes all the difference in the world," said the Giant. '' Everything in the castle is calculated to the second. I have invented a system wliich is almost perfect, and I mean to make it work at any risk or cost." " What is tlie system ? " asked George. " The Undecimal System," answered the Giant, proudly. " I see," said George, who did not in the least comprehend what the Undecimal System meant. It was now five minutes after five, and happening to look at his watch again, Mr. Smith's face was distorted with pain. BRAYHAED. 85 " Good gracious ! " he cried. " Five five A.isr. ! Why, this upsets my whole system for the day. It is most provoking." " I'm very sorry indeed," said George. "And I am quite upset. Tim," he said languidly addressing the Tiger, who was now standing at the horse's head : " you can do pretty well as you like with your- self to-day. Nothing can go right now. You can spend the whole morning putting up the mare ; you can stand on your head or turn cartwheels until bedtime : you can frighten the mare from her oats : you can grease her teeth with a tallow candle : you can make a pincushion of Bridget : you can give all the corn and fodder to the milkman, and look upon it as your perks. Oh, deary me ! " he sio-hed, " why was I ever born to invent a system which goes to pieces every second day or there- abouts ? " " Awful sorry, sir, to see you take on so," said the Tiger, touching his cap. " And if you mean to convey by your remarks, sir, that I do the likes of what you kindly advises me to do, sir, I think the sooner we parts the better for all parties concerned, including the mare and Bridget." At this moment the hall door was opened by the distressed female, at the mere sight of whom the heart of the Champion of England descended to the sole of one of his seven-league boots. " What are yez wranglin' for there ? " asked Bridget. " I'm sure the missus is heart-broke waitin' up for you," 86 BRAYHARD. addressing the Giant in a most impertinent manner. '' She couldn't howld out a minute longer than five four o'clock. A nice punctulous man you are, wud yer comin' home wud the milk in the mornin' ! " she ex- claimed in a contemptuous tone. Then turning to the Tiger. " G'long wud you now, you blagard," said she, " an' put the mare up at wance ; and come into your stir-about before the clock runs over the quarther, or I'll give you gruel ! " By this time the Giant had jumped from the trap and was busy handing down the Seven Champions and placing them on the front door-step. Turning round after shaking her gigantic fist at the Tiger, Bridget's eye caught sight of the Champions, who were all stamping their feet to get up their circulation. « " O Mother of Moses ! " she screamed, " what's them ? Leprechauns, by all that's wonderful ! " And stooping suddenly down she caught one of the Champions by the waist, and lifted him up in her horny fist. " Where's your money ? Out wud your money, you scamp of a fairy miser ! " she screamed in a wildly excited tone. " D'ye hear me ? Where's your crock of goold, you dirty little thief? " squeezing the unfortunate man (who happened to be Patrick, Champion of Ireland) until the breath was nearly out of his body. "You'll suffocate him, Bridget," cried the Giant in alarm. " Hold the man properly, you lubberly virago ! " BRAYHARD. 87 ' Man ! " she cried. " What's a Man. That ! is it ? Don't I tell you 'tis a Leprechaun ; and his money or his life I'll have." " You vicious demon ! " roared the Giant seizing her by the wrist and extricating the unfortunate Champion just in the nick of time. " That is Patrick^ the Champion of Ireland." " Whctt ! " cried Bridget. " That ! " " Yes," said the Giant. " That ! " " Oh, you don't mane it ? " said she dropping her voice. " The darlin' craychur ! Forgive me, Pathrick, me jewel ! 88 ERAYHARD. Sure I ouglit to have known you by the green coat- amore you're wearin', and the bunch of four-leaved shamrock in your buttonhole. Oh, the darlint little man ! " she went on clasping her hands. " An' is that himself, Misther Smith ? An' to think I tuk him for a fairy man. Forgive me avic, forgive me ! " she wept, going down on her knees. " Sure 'tis my own self that wouldn't [let a hair of your precious head be parted the wrong way wud a sprig of shilelagh." " Get up, woman ! " cried the Giant. " And let me have my breakfast at once : and cook something delicate for the seven little men. They must be dying of hunger." So Bridget got up from her knees, and seeing there was an angry look stealing into Mr. Smith's eyes, she disappeared quickly from the doorway, muttering : " Oh, the darlint little craychur ! Well, I'm blessed ! " " Hallo, George ! " cried the Giant, stooping down and depositing the trembling Champion of Ireland on the door-step : " Where's your lightning charger ? " "Browsing quietly on your lawn, sir," answered George, pointing to old Brayhard, who, regardless of a notice to trespassers, was struggling hard with the gigantic grass. / "Call him in," said the Giant, "for he'll want to lie somewhere." " Oh, he can lie anywhere," said his master. "Sol think myself," said the Giant smiling. "He is a iiatcnt liar, if I'm not awfully mistaken." BKAYHARD. 89 " I didn't mean -what you mean, sir," explained George. " I know that," chuckled Mr. Smith. " Bridget might tread on him when she goes to hang up the clothes to dry ; and I have a nice little dog box in the kennel, that used to belong to a poodle of mine : it will answer him admirably." So George whistled with his fingers, and Brayhard came trotting up in fine style. "Now, gentlemen," said the Giant, cheerily, as he strode into the] hall, "follow me; and welcome to Castle Smith ! " CHAPTER VIII. The Giant's Breakfast-Parlour— A Feast of Porridge —Bridget Scalds the Champion of Ireland a,nd then Falls Over the ]\Iagical Donkey — Timely Appearance of Bill Smith — Seven Champions Insulted by Heedless Young Giant — Unseemly Levity of Bill Smith — Every Champion to his Taste— The Giant Apologizes for his Son — The Great Undecimal System Expounded— Slang and its Consequences— An Awful Threat — Division of the Champions — "We are Seven" — Arith- metical Ingenuity of Bill Smith. The Champions and the magical Donkey followed the Giant through the hall and into an octagon-shaped room, very scantily furnished. " Good high ceiling," said Mr. Smith — " One hundred and ninety-eight feet. I could tell you the cubical contents of the room by referring to my calculation ledger, but I expect you'd rather have a little food and some refreshing sleep before I produce the book." "Yes indeed, thank you," said George, unable to repress a yawn. " I think we are all pretty tired and pretty hungry." So the Giant took up a small hand-bell and rang it BRAYHARD. 91 gently — but to the Champion it sounded as if some demoniacal railway porters were " ringing in the new year," Then he placed a chair at the table and seated the Seven Champions on it. In a few moments Bridget entered bearing a huge dish which she laid down on the centre of the only table in the room — a small octagon table. " I hope you do not object to porridge ? " enquired the Giant. " Oh, I dote on it," answered Andrew, Champion of Scotland. "Bravo, little Andy!" said the Giant. "Let Pat alone, Bridget," he cried in an angry voice, seeing that the distressed female had surreptitiously raised the cover of the dish, and was now endeavouring to force some porridge down Patrick's throat with a spoon about nine feet in length. Bridget was so alarmed at being found out that she spilt the porridge all over the not-wisely-but-too-well- loved Champion of Ireland, scalding him badly, if one were to judge oy his cries. " Oh, the craychur ! " she moaned, heedless of her master's scowls. " Sure it's spoilt him complately I have ! " And taking him up she wiped him as carefully as she could with her apron. " Lay down the gentleman, you awkward impudent hussy," cried the Giant. "Don't attempt to interfere with my guests again. Place this dish nearer to me," he 92 EKAYHARD. went on, drawing his chair to the table, " and leave the room instantly." Bridget wiped a tear from her eye with her porridgy apron, and stepping back she fell right over the Donkey, who had been standing behind her lost in contem- plation. The distressed female kicked and roared as she lay prone on the floor, and the Donkey (who was saved from annihilation only by his magical agility) rolled over and over on his back, hee-hawing almost loud enough to drown the sounds of Bridget's hysterical screams. The unfortunate Mr. Smith was the picture of gigantic helplessness as he ran his fingers through his hair de- spairingly. The Champions sat terror stricken, and were nearly deafened by the awful noises which came from the throats of the distressed female and the magical Donkey : and goodness knows what would have happened had not Master Bill Smith rushed into the room, and lifted Bridgjet to her feet. Young Bill, who was a fine type of an eighteen-ycai-- old giant, hustled Bridget out of the room, and then turning to salute his father, his eyes lit on the Seven Champions, (Brayhard had .managed to scramble to his feet when he saw the rough handling Bridget was receiving, and liad crawled quietly under the table.) " Good gracious, governor," exclaimed young Bill, " what are these ?" " In the first place, William, they are my guests," answered the parent Giant sternly: "And the words BRAYHARD. 93 * JVhat ' and * these ' are scarcely fit terms to apply to your father's visitors." "I beg your pardon, sir," said the youthful Giant, going over to the Champions and patting them on their septenary heads with his hand, " Can they speak yet ? " he asked. " Try it by subtracting forty-four from your dividend," answered Mr. Smith, who had evidently made a sudden plunge into mental arithmetic. " I say, little chaps," said William, " can you say ' Pa' or ' Ma' yet ? " The Champions were all so indignant at the question that none of them opened his mouth. " Hum ! " said young Smith to himself in a puzzled sort of way. " Puppy ! " at last blurted out George. " Eh ! " cried young Smith. " Did I hear one of you say ' puppy ' ? Got into words of two syllables then, have you ? Poor little mites ! " he sighed. " I suppose you are hungry and so far away from your mamma. Have you got your feeders with you ? I'll try to help you on with them." This was too much for the Champion of England. Rising up and standing on his chair, he roared out at the top of his voice : " Know, young whipper-snapper, that when we first met your good father, me and my mates were on an ex- pedition for the massacre of giants. We decided against th.i slaughter of your parent personally, and 94 BRAYHARD. Avliile we are his guests your miserable life is safe : but we shall go away cue day and return, and then, heicare ! " " He will return. I know he will," roared young Smith, his sides shaking with laughter. " Oh, dear me, this is positively too good — real jam, in fact." " Eh, what's this ? What's this ? " cried Mr. Smith, awaking from his calculating reverie. " I suppose you have been poking your fun at my little friends, William. Excuse him, gentlemen," he said suavely. " Boys will be boys, you know. Sit down, Champion George." " Champion George ! " roared young Smith. "A human prize-fighter, I'll be bound ! Lead on, Macduff, and cursed be he who bolts with the gate money." " This is most unseemly levity, William," said the Giant. "Draw your chair to the table and give me the result of your calculations about the eleventh root." The jaw of young Smith fell at his father's words, and he drew his chair to the table, a very "long face" replacing the broad grins he had a few moments ago indulged in. " Well, sir," he said addressing his gigantic parent, " I must confess I am completely stumped." " William," said the Giant sharply, " I cannot allow these slang words. If you spent as much time at your calculations as you do over that unfortunate Slaug Lexicon, my undecimal system would have been per- fected by this. Fie, fie ! sir. It is my firm behef you BRAYHARD. 95 will completely forget your calculations when I am gone , and then," he sighed, " the great Undecimal Project which I have lived and laboured for will be lost to the giant world for ever. But bless my soul ! T am forgetting my guests. Pray excuse me, Champions, but what would you like with your porridge ? " " A little milk and sugar for me," said George. " Garlic for me," said Denis. " Salt for me," said Andrew. " Olive oil for me," said James. " Ditto for me," said Anthony. " What is that ? " asked the Giant. " Ditto is the same repeated," answered Anthony. " The same repeated," echoed the Giant. " I do not quite understand." " I mean olive oil," said Anthony. " I never heard it called the ' same repeated ' before," said the Giant. " Well, Patrick, my son, what for you?" " Milk, and a small lump of butter in the centre of it — if it's all the same to you, sir," said Patrick. " And you, David ? " asked the Giant. " I'd like the taste of a spring onion with it," answered the Champion of Wales. " Touch the bell, William," said the Giant to his son, " and order in what our guests require. Or, better still," he added, as young Smith rose to his feet, " go out yourself to the kitchen and tell Bridget, for the sight of that hysterical virago upsets all my calculations." " Yes, father," said William crossing the room and 9G BRAYHARD. disappearing in the direction of the distressed female's quarters. "You must excuse my son, gentlemen," said Mr. Smith. " He is a wild and playful young fellow, but there is no real harm in him. I do wish he would settle down to a steady calculating career, but at eighteen it is of course hard to expect a youth to lead an undecimal life." "Pray what is this syslcm of yours, sir?" asked George. "Ah," sighed the Giant, "it is too intricate to explain at a frugal morning meal : but the mainspring of it is number Eleven. By adopting this number you abolish the noughts and the points, and the recurring dots of the decimal system, and therefore you have no useless or extraneous figures or symbols to deal with. For instance, if you were asked to write down in decimals the vulgar fraction ^V^ you would be obliged to waste one dot or decimal point and two noughts. Now, on the other hand, if you were asked to express in un- decimals ^tt, which is about the nearest vulgar fraction I can think of at the moment to the former example, the answer would be one half an undecimaL Now eleven times two are twenty-two, and eleven times three are thirty-three — " " Cut it short, governor," interrupted David, who was very hungry and tired. " We all know our multipli- cation tables by heart." " I was about to say," said the Giant, pretending to BRAYHARD. 97 ignore the unseemly interruption of the Champion of Wales : " that eleven times four are forty-four, and eleven times five are fifty-five, and eleven times " There is no knowing to what extent the Giant's cal- culations might have reached, but the timely arrival of his son William with seven dolls' saucers and a tray (on which were ranged the requirements of the guests) put an end to his undecimal observations for the moment. "Select your savouries, gentlemen," said young Smith, laying down the tray in front of the Champions, " and wire in ! " " William, William ! " cried the Giant. " This is a terrible drop from the intensely intellectual conversation we have had during your absence. It almost takes my appetite away. How I do regret the purchase of that Slang Lexicon ! " And removing the cover of the dish he helped his guests each with a salt spoon to a tiny portion of the porridge. " Oh, thanks ! " cried all the Champions. " You will completely overload our stomachs." The Giant could not help smiling. Then he ladled out his son a plateful of porridge, and helped himself to another plateful. " Those dolls' saucers w^ere a good idea, father," laughed young Smith, " I stole them out of the nursery. Won't Daisy be in a wax when she finds I have been burgling her dolls' house ! " " By the living Jingo ! " exclaimed the Giant in a highly-pitched voice. " If you make use of another H 98 BRAYHARD. slang expression at this meal, William, I'll give you the herring-and-a-half-at-three-ha'pence calculation to do by undecimals during your recreation hours." At this awful threat young Smith became serious, and durinof the rest of the meal the conversation was of an eminently calculating nature, and of course was con- fined entirely to Mr. Smith and his son. The Champions were so tired of the bewildering nature of the Giants' talk, that they all fell fast asleep in their chairs. Young Smith silently drew his father's attention to this as soon as he had finished his breakfast. " Poor little chaps ! " said he kindly. " They must be sadly tired. Perhaps I shall be able to instruct them in our undecimal system of living on another occasion." '•■ The best thing now to do," said young Smith, " is to divide them between us and carry them up to bed." " Divide them ! " said the Giant, biting his thumb contemplatively. " That is a rather difficult problem. In undecimals they represent seventy-seven. Divide that by twenty-two, which is our undecimal figure, and the answer is three and a half, which, as Euclid learnedly observes, ' is absurd ' ! " " I'll tell you how we'll manage, father," said young Smith. '■■ I'll carry four of them up stairs, and you can carry three." " Bravo !" exclaimed the Giant. " Why, William, it would not surprise me after all if you turned out to be another ' Calculating Boy.' " CHAPTER IX. Cliampions Retire at an Early Hour — Extreme Uiieveniiess of tlie Seven Sleepers — Bridget Mistakes the ]\Iagical Donkey for a Terrier — Our Hero's Life in Imminent Peril— Bill Smith to the Rescue ! — Hysterical Condition of the Distressed Female — Bridget's Uncertainty as to her Geometrical Value — The Giant in Despair — Consultation about "the Washing" — • Early Career of the Giant— Invention of the Undecimal System — Rule of Life — Bridget and the Water-Bucket — Undecimelia victrix ! It was exactly six o'clock in the morning when the Champions were put to bed. The heads of four of them were placed one way by the son, and the heads of the other three a different way by the father. " They look extremely uneven," said the Giant as he laid his three across the bed ; " but I can't see how we are to remedy this. I must try and work it out another time." Then young Smith placed a rug over the seven sleepers, and father and son stole out of the room with gigantically noiseless steps, Bridget, hearing her master go up stairs, had entered the breakfast-room ; and when she had cleared the H 2 100 BRAYHARD. table and taken the cloth off, she espied the magical Donkey under the table. " Be good to me ! " said she, " but I never heard a tarrier snore like that before. Get out, out of that," she cried, giving the unfortunate Brayhard a kick which startled him from a deep sleep. " There can't be luck in a house when such onnatural craychurs of dogs as the likes of you is allowed to threspass wudout a muzzle ! " " You vicious, ignorant, hulking person ! " roared Brayhard. " I am no terrier ; I am a magical Donkey— the last of my noble race." At first the distressed female was terror-stricken at hearing the articulate voice of Brayhard ; but when he foolishly began to hee-haw she gained courage and screamed at him : " Faith then, 'tis the last of your noble race I'll make you. I'll knock some of the magic out of you with the toe of my boot, you schamer of a dwarfed donkey of darkness. The saints above us," she cried, lifting her foot, "come between me and all harm ! " Fortified by her prayer she certainly did make a healthy attempt to let Brayhard feel the effect of her not over symmetrical slipper. She missed him at the first kick, but the poor animal was so terrified at the sight of her slipper — which Avas dotted with gigantic holes — that he ran from under the table, and made a flying jump to the other side of the room. Bridget darted after him, all terror of his supposed demoniacal power 102 BEAYHAED. swallowed up in the excitement of the chase. The Donkey, with his usual magical agility, afforded fine sport, but would probably have been spifflicated had not the Giant and his son turned up in the nick of time. Both instantly saw what was the matter, and seizing Bridget roughly by the wrist, Bill Smith wrenched her to one side. " Take your month's notice this minute," roared the enraged paterfamilias. *' For what ? " puffed the distressed female. " Don't answer me, but go, madam! " said Mr. Smith. " Who are you ' madaming ' ? " said she, placing her hands on her hips, her face ablaze with anger and excite- ment. " I'm no madam, but a dacent unmarried girl who's heart-broke wud your calculatin' ways ! 'Tis often I don't know whether it's an undecimal I am, or a conundhrum, or a rhombus — Oh, I remember the word well — as you was ignorant enough to call me wance. Between yourself and your magical donkeys, an' your champion fairy men, 'tis a nice name you'll give the house. A month's notice, inagJi ! If 'tis a month's money you're meanin' to offer me, pay me on your eleventeenth system, an' then I'll go right enough." Here her voice .broke, and she burst into a fit of hysterical laughter which made the Giant put his fingers in his ears. " Take her away, William. Take her away, in tlie name of all that's peaceable," moaned the unfortunate Mr. Smith. " Oh '. if those little chaps were only big BRAYHARD. 103 enoiigli to rescue me from her what would I not part with ? " Bridget was in dread of no one in the castle save William Smith. The young Giant was so powerfully built that he could lift twenty half-hundred weights with his teeth, and as the distressed female had fre- quently seen him careering about the grounds playfully with this half ton strain on his lower jaw, she knew that there was no use in offering any resistance when he wished to expel her from the room. " Sure, if he can play waid half tons wud only his teeth," she had reflected, " he could half murdher me wud a box of his shut fist ; " for Bridget, having been brought up in a calculating house, was prone to amuse herself occasionally with sums in proportion. When Bridget had been duly expelled, the Giant said to his son : " William, this strain is becoming too much for me. It occurs regularly every seventh day — washing-day." " Couldn't you give the washing out ? " suggested young Smith. " To whom, pray ? " asked the Giant. " Oh — let me see — the milkman's wife," stammered young Smith. " The temptation to supererogatory adulteration of the milk would be too much for him if he were to be allowed an extra supply of water for washing purposes." " I'm afraid, then, you must only try and keep out of Bridget's way on washing-day," said the son; "for 104 BRAYHARD. SO far as we know, there are no other Giants, out- side our own little circle, who are capable of doing menial work." " If I could arrange the matter undecimally I would not so much mind," said Mr. Smith. " But seven is a figure with which you can for domestic purposes do nothing, except multiply it by eleven." " Couldn't you have washing only every eleventh day ? " suggested young Bill, who was eager to get out to his half-hundred weights, and would have suggested every seventy-seventh day only he knew his mother would not stand that. " Capital idea ! ''' said the Giant. " You really are a calculating boy, if you would only acknowledge it to yourself You had better go and put up that ridicu- lously-pedantic braggart of a Donkey in the dog-box for safety, and give him some fresh thistles ; and then you can go and amuse yourself, William, while I retire to the solitude of mv calculating chamber to think this washing matter out. I will awake the Seven Champions myself at 3.30, though I do not approve of more than the regulation eight hours' slumber." It may perhaps be well to explain here some of the rules which the current Giant had established in his household, and the causes which led to his system. Tom Smith's father and mother had been very simple people. They could neither read nor write, and of figures they had no conception whatever. In fact, as BRA.YHARD. 105 the present Giant used to say, " I am the first of my race who ever knew that two and two made four. " Young Tom had been brought up in the same old- fashioned, ignorant way which had been good enough for his ancestors, and had never been two hundred miles from home before his fifteenth birthday. He had frequently walked to the edge of the island, but he was not aware that at the other side of the water existed a world peopled by a pigmy race called Man, who read police-court reports, wrote sensation novels, and could calculate how many sovereigns placed on edge would be required to effect a junction between the bottom of an exploded coal mine and the rim of the farthest fixed star. One day as he stood on the shore a log of wood (as }i& thought) was washed ashore. On examination he found it was hollowed out inside, and when placed (as he thought) bottom upwards, would float on the water. Something prompted him to step into the hollowed- out portion — it was really a capsized barge, but of course Tom Smith couldn't be expected to know that — and it delighted him to find that it would bear him up, for the water had been all shaken out of it by the young Giant. Heedless of what he was doing, he allowed the island to slip away from him. He put one leg out of the barge, but as there were about seven fathoms of water un.der him, his leg did not nearly touch the bottom — 106 BRAYHARD. indeed, he would have been drowned had he attempted to stand on the bottom. Tom was now greatly alarmed, but he resolved to make the best of a bad job, and to stick to his timber refuge. The barge drifted along for the best part of a day, and at last touched a point of land. The young Giant immediately got out and fastened the barge to the stump of a tree with a chain which he found in the bow. Then he resolved to explore the new island, and he had not walked nearly a hundred miles when he saw a lot of little houses huddled together ; and as he came near the houses he saw a lot of little people who fled into the houses as he approached them. This collection of houses was, it is almost needless to state, a human village ; and it was many hours before young Smith could convince the foolish villagers that he meant no harm. Eventually he became very friendly with the little people ; and the village Schoolmaster taught him how to read, write, and calculate. This Schoolmaster had at that time one special craze, the decimal system ; and when the giant decided to go home, he brought him an arithmetic largely devoted to decimals as opposed to mere vulgar fractions. Tom got across the stream which intervened between the Man and the Giant Islands by means of a raft and a long scaffolding pole which the village carpenter made for him, and which a retired seafaring villager showed him how to use. BRAYHAKD. 107 The old Smiths eagerly welcomed the prodigal youth, but were alarmed to find that he had lost interest in everything save the books he had brought with him ; and eventually they died almost of a broken heart at being constantly invited by their intellectual son to learn " two times." Thenceforth the Giant devoted himself solely to cal- culations, and, growing tired of the decimal system, he determined to invent another and a better one — the undecimal system. On a few occasions he had revisited the villao;e to 108 BEAYHARD. seek further instruction from the Schoolmaster; and when his son, young Bill Smith, was about ten years of age, the current Giant asked the Schoolmaster what would be the best book to give a juvenile Giant to read for the purpose of making him thoroughly acquainted with the conversation of the existing race of Young Men. The Schoolmaster, who was a vicious old rascal, and who now hated the Giant for having discovered the un- decimal system, suggested " The Slang Lexicon " and some back numbers of a sporting newspaper. Absolute punctuality, from such close contact with figures, became also a craze with Tom Smith, and the loss of a second in the day caused him as much irrita- tion as the loss of the whole twenty-four hours caused a certain French king (whose name we forget, but it was probably Louis). He portioned out the day for his household into three equal parts : eight hours for sleep, eight hours for study, and eight hours for meals and other recreation. Giving priority to the mistress of Castle Smith, he arranged the time of each member of his household in the following manner. He had a card with the hours legibly set forth placed over the couch of each member of his household : — BRAYHARD. '109 RULE OF LIFE. (Specially Compiled for the Members and Retainers of the Smith Family.) Mrs. Smith (By which retiring time' the Milkman is sup- posed to have punctually deposited his cans on the door-step.) Tom (or Thomas) Smith Bill (or William) Smith Mary (or Daisy) Smith Bridget - Tiger (or Tiny) Tim RETIRING HOUR. WAKING HOUR. 5.0 a.m. 1.0 p.m. 7.15 a.m. 9.30 a.m. 11.45 a.m. 2.0 p.m. 3.15 p.m. 5.30 p.m. 7.45 p.m. 10.0 p.m. 4.15 p.m. 12.15 a.m. ]S[,B. — This Time Table is subject to alterations, which will be duly announced. The gardener and his wife, who dwelt in an off- building, were allowed to go to sleep when they liked, so long as they did eight hours' work ; and over the milkman and his wife he sought to exercise no control. At first he had gigantic difficulty in enforcing his Rule of Life on Bridget. She did not at all mind going to bed at 2.0 p.m., but she used in the beginning to rebel fearfully against getting up at 10 p.m. no BRAYHARD. When the Giant threw a bucket of cold water over her punctually at 10 p.m. (during his recreation hours), she used to rouse the whole house with her screams, " I'm dhrownded ! I'm fairly dhrownded ! — Nice time, by me word, to ax a dacent girl to get out of her bed, wud yourself an' yourundecimal wather- bucket ! " But the Giant per- sisted in his water- bucket exercise in so marvellously punctual a manner that in the course of a twelve- month Bridget used to awake from slumber at two minutes to ten, and at ten o'clock, for a short time, her voice could be heard over the entire building, shoutincT — " How dar' you attempt to come into me apartment at this hour ? — I'll be down undecimally, sir," CHAPTER X. The Sleepers Awakened — Champions Inti'odiiced to the Giantess — Simplicity of Undecimal Life — The Champion of England Desires a Consultation with our Hero — Strong-minded Giantess— Brayhard and George Arrange a Little Plot- Impossibility of Reconciling Giant Life with Champion Life— Suggested Racing Contest between Giant Mare and Magical Donkey — Tantalizing Ignorance of Mr. Smith — What is Money ? — The Diamond Quarry ! — Change, and its Variability— Deijositing the Stakes — Gigantic Gooseberries — George declares his intention of Bolting — Patrick appointed Deputy-Champion — The Coming Race — A very strange thing happens. When the Giant aroused the Seven Champions at 3.30 p.m., of course there was no one awake in the castle except himself, his wife, and the Tiger. He brought the little men (as he would, much to their annoyance, persist in calling them) into the drawing-room and introduced them to Mrs. Smith, a fine, handsome, florid Giantess of about forty years of age. " I am glad you will be awake for dinner," said Mrs. Smith. "We dine at 8.15 precisely. Indeed it is breakfast, I might say, for my daughter; but we are 112 BRAYHARD. such frugal people that there isn't much difference be- tween one meal and another, except that Papa and William sit down with us at dinner." "You will, I hope, excuse our clothes," said the Champion of England. " We came here rather hurriedly and none of us has, I fear, a dress suit." " Oh, we never dress," said Mrs. Smith. " Papa says it would spoil the simplicity of our undecimal life if we adopted fashionable customs." " By the w^ay," said the Giant, " will you excuse us, my dear, for diverging into sporting matters ? " "Certainly," said Mrs. Smith, who had read her son's newspapers and who gloried in her son's emancipation from undecimals. ''The Champion of England, Mr. George, has a Donkey who offered to race my mare. Now^ what do you think of deciding the contest this afternoon ? " asked the Giant, addressinof Georoe. ' The Giantess laughed, a benign and self-satisfying laugh, and poor George looked very foolish indeed. " I must first consult Brayhard," he said, after a few moments' reflection. " Of course," smiled the Giant. " Where is the Donkey ? " asked George. " In the kennel," answered the Giant. " Bill put him into our late poodle's box at my request." "If Mrs. Smith will excuse me?" said Champion George, " I will retire for a brief period and hear what the animal says." BRAYHAED. 113 " Does your Donkey speak ? " asked the Giantess in astonishment. " Oh, yes," replied George, " fluently." " How interesting ! " exclaimed the Giantess. " Of course I will excuse you, Mr. George." And bowing very politely, the Champion of England allowed the Giant to lift him from the ground a,nd carry him out of the room and down to the kennel. " Strong-minded woman, my wife ! " whispered Mr. Smith to George as they descended the stairs. " Doesn't care a curse for the undecimal system." " You don't say so ? " said George. " But, by the by, do you mind leaving me alone with Brayhard when we get to the kennel, for he is sometimes ver}' shy of speaking in the presence of strangers." " Why, certainly," said the Giant. So he deposited George in the kennel, and then walked away, audibly humming an air founded on the multiplication tables. " Brayhard," said George, " we are quite alone. What on earth did you mean by that challenge of yours ? Was it the boots ? " " Of course," said the Donkey in an undertone. " I'm awfully glad, old man," said George, " for I'm fearfully hard up, as you are aware, my late wife's treasure not being" — here he smiled grimly— " worth five shillings a hundredweight." " Don't look so upset," said the Donkey, soothingly. " Oh, I had my revenge, I must confess," said George ; " but what a fool I was not to have discovered where I 114 BRAYHARD. those six sisters-in-law of mine had their treasure concealed." " It would only have enriched your companions, and perhaps made them haughty," said the Donkey. " But I'd have nobbled the lot, my boy," said George, " for I have them completely under my thumb. They're afraid even to sneeze in my presence. Do you know, Brayhard," he went on, " I'm dead sick of giants. I feel a regular little dwarf in this place. And as for exterminating them, I know now it is all only tall-talk and moonshine." " What about the distressed female ? " asked Bray- hard, grinning from ear to ear. " I'm not in good joking humour," grunted George. " She is so gentle and lovely and lean," laughed the Donkey, unable to control his risible muscles, " and so distressed. Oh, Champion ! at any cost she must be delivered from this noisome den." " If you don't want a taste of the toe of my seven- league boots," said George, " you'll defer that sort of irony to a more suitable occasion, and talk of something worth listening to." " Oh, you may bet your seven-league boots I don't regard Bridget as a joke— not even as a gigantic joke," said the Donkey ; " a little of her goes a long way." " Look here, old man,'.' said George, " your jests are too heavy for me just now. I want to consult you about this race. My idea is to get out of this place at once, for we are only a laughing-stock for young BRAYHAKD. 115 Smith and the Tiger. They positively treat me as a joke," said the Champion. " They treat me as if I was something lower than a joke," said Brayhard. "I shall never forget having been called a ' tarrier.' " " But to resume," said George ; " we must get out of this ; we must get out of this with money ; we must get clear of Giant Island altogether and go in for monsters of our own build. Now, how is all this to be done ? " " I am sure I can hardly say right off," murmured Brayhard, stooping and scratching one of his ears with one of his fore paws. " Have you no plan in your head, Champion? " " I have all sorts of plans," said George ; " but none of them seems to be altogether satisfactory. It is of course perfectly easy to get the Giant to let me, as the challenger, hold the stakes. I could put the money in the saddle-bags." "Don't you think I have enough to carry in your- self ? " groaned Brayhard. " Certainly not," said George. " In fact I was about to suggest that the whole seven of us should manage in some fashion to mount you or cling on to you." " Perhaps you'd like to do a little kite-flying," sneered the Donkey, " and fasten the Champions on to my tail at intervals to keep me steady ? " " Not a bad notion at all, Brayhard ! " smiled George. " But that was not my idea. In fact I was puzzled to I 2 116 BRAYHARD. know how we could tind room on that back of yours, and I must confess it would be absurd. Another thing is the uncertainty of these locomotives," he went on j)lay fully, tapping his sea-boots with the defunct witch's wand. " We may land in a giant factory chimney or in a giant reservoir." " A giant horse-trough would be quite good enough for me," interrupted Bray hard. " Listen to me, old man," said George, " and be good enough to abstain from frivolous interruptions. The first thing to do is of course to get the money; next thing to ascertain the lie of the country exactly ; and lastly to make some arrangements with our comrades here for meeting us at the other side of the ferry. The first two problems are easy enough, the last is a puzzler." " Wouldn't the old Giant ferry them over if they put it to him undecimally ? " "But recollect, my dear fellow, I shall be bolting with his money ; and it is only fair to suppose he'll be in a deuce of a rage, though he is such a soft-hearted slob." " I'll tell you what," said the Donkey. " Leave one of the Champions in command here and when we don't come back your deputy can beg to have the whole blessed lot bundled back to their native parishes in formdj paupe7'is" "I'm afraid young Smith would smell a rat. The young beggar has been reading sporting papers, and BRAYHARD. 117 you heard him at breakfast saying ' Cursed be he who bolts with the gate money ! ' " " Perhaps Patrick could work on the feelings of the distressed virago in the kitchen ? She seemed to take a great fancy to him." " A capital idea, Brayhard. What a magical ass thou art! For goodness' sake don't start braying with exulta- tion," said George, noticing the Donkey taking a long inspiration. Brayhard's tail fell limp by his flanks at George's words, and with a great sigh he observed, " 'Twas ever thus ! " " That's a good chap now," said George. " Eestrain your asinine proclivities until a more suitable occasion — in short don't hee-haw until you are out of the wood. Ta, ta ! for the present," said the Champion, retiring from the kennel and advancing to the Giant, who was now walking up and down moodily. " Ah ! my little man, is your interview with your steed over?" he enquired, stooping and picking up George. "I am greatly puzzled about the extraction of this eleventh root. If I could only do it my system would be perfected at last." " By the way," said George, " talking of calculations, how far is it from here to your landing stage exactly ? " " Seventy-three miles, two furlongs and three- quarters, due north from the gate," answered the Giant. "Thanks very much," said the Champion, "Now, Mr. Smith, about this wager ? " 118 BRAYHARD. " Ha ! " said the Giant smilingly. " What about it ? Does the animal cry ofif ? " " Not at all," replied George. " He says he can beat your mare ; and when he says a thing he often does it. What sum shall we wager, Giant, for a go-as-you-please across country : say a spin of a hundred miles — fifty out and fifty home ? " " Are you well up in figures ? " asked Mr. Smith. " Well, I'm not exactly a business man," said the Champion (adopting a formula which the keenest human calculators invariably adopt when occasion re- quires), "but I can do the usual addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division." " That is quite sufficient," said the Giant. " I was about to wager you a sum in simple addition against a sum in simple subtraction." " But a money wager was what / meant," exclaimed George, eagerly. " Money ! " murmured Mr. Smith slowly. " What is money ? Oh, yes, I know," he said suddenly. " Pounds, shillings, and pence, of course; but that means com- pound addition and compound subtraction, and I don't think I could honestly make a wager in compound sums." " Dear me ' " said George to himself. " This is very painful. I suppose the colossal old idiot hasn't a copper in the castle." " Don't you use money to buy things with ? " ho asked. " Surely I heard you ordering the milkman to send in his bill ? " BRAYHARD. 119 " Such expressions are mere formulas," said the Giant, " which I learned in your country. To me ' send in your bill,' ' take a month's notice,' and similar remarks convey no meaning whatever, and unfortunately Bridget and the milkman are aware of that. Still, Champion, it does occur to me that I know what you mean. Money is also coin — gold, silver, and copper coin, used by your people." "Exactly," said George, brightening up. " To me it only represents so much figures," said the Giant. " What does it represent to you, Champion ? " " Meat, drink, everything," answered George enthu- siastically. " And do you really swallow these coins ? It must be very bad for your digestion." " Oh, dear no," said George. " We use them to buy things — horses, champagne, pedigrees, canvas-back ducks, blackmailers, scarf-pins, titles, books " " Stop," said the Giant. " Now you remind me, the Schoolmaster who educated me and who gave me books, from time to time, also gave me coins, and I remember (though I did not understand him in the least) he said, ' I am stopping the price of your education out of that big diamond.' These were the words, for I tried hard to understand them, and kept repeating them all the way from the Schoolmaster's hut to my own castle." "You mention a big diamond," said George. "Might I ask if such things are plentiful here ? " " Oh, very," said the Giant, " but they are useless, I 120 BRAYHAED. find, for anything but glazing purposes. We have a quarry not far from here, but we never work it. Indeed the diamond he called a big one was a miserable little thing about the size of a hen's egg, and," with a smile, " not nearly so succulent. But to go back to our School- master. Can those words of his have anything to do with what you call money ? " " Oh, yes, a lot," said the Champion, who was eager to know more about the diamonds, but more easfer to find out what the Giant had done with the coins he referred to — a bird in the hand being always more to George than two birds in the bush. "Have you kept the Schoolmaster's change ? " " Dear me ! " exclaimed the Giant. " How you puzzle me ! Change of what ? " "The coins," said George. " Oh, yes," said Mr. Smith. " I have them in a bag up stairs." " Are they gold, or silver, or copper ? " "Gold." " " Well," said the Champion, " if you wager me the coins, I will wager you a sum in subtraction that my ass beats your mare." " Done ! " said the Giant. " It is usual in wagers of this kind," observed George, " to deposit the stakes with the challenger." "Very well," said the Giant. "And noAv don't you think we had better join Mrs. Smith again ? " " As you please," said the Champion, " but I want to BRAYHARD. 121 have a private interview with my comrades first. It is one of our rules of life to assemble in private once a day." " I can easily arrange that," answered the Giant, mounting the stairs. " I will ask the missus to come out for a stroll in the garden. By the way, you have never seen our fruit garden. We have some marvellous big gooseberries just now." "Thank you," said George, "I will have much pleasure in admiring them to-morrow, and perhaps, later on, I could paragraph various conflicting accounts of them in our leading newspapers." The Giant had now reached the drawincr-room. Depositing George on a cushion on the floor he asked Mrs. Smith to accompany him to the gooseberry beds, and George and his fellow Champions were then left to themselves. " Patrick," said George to the Champion of Ireland, " I am going to attempt a hazardous ride on the Donkey's back this afternoon, and I appoint you to be Deputy Champion in my absence." There was some growling among the other Champions at the appointment, but George quickly silenced the dissentients with an angry frown. " If I do not turn up to-night, or in the morning, you will know that something has gone wrong ; and in that case, Patrick, you will have to try to make a forced march to the landing stage where the boat is moored. You must manage to work your passage across the river 122 BRAYHARD. and join me in the neighbourhood of the ferry steps where I shall probably lie in ambush." The Champions looked very disconsolate at George's speech. " It is all very well for you, sir," said Denis, " with your seven-league boots ; but forcing a march through an unknown and giant land, and trying to unmoor a giant boat is really a task which I do not think we are, as a body, competent to undertake." " You'd better try, believe me," said George, " for the Giant will make short work of you if I don't happen to return this evening. To tell you the honest truth, I'm going to bolt." The Champions seemed dreadfully alarmed at hearing this, and begged their boss not to get them into trouble by his hazardous flight. The Champion of France declared he would inform the Giant of George's intention to bolt, at which threat the Champion of England drew his sword of Damocles, and threatened to make an experiment witli it on the jugular vein of Denis. The French champion, aware of the deadly qualities of the sword, and being unable to claim poor relationship with George, apologized abjectly, and the matter then dropped. " Now I have, or rather Brayhard has, invented a capital plan for getting you conveyed to a trysting- place," said George ; " and it is that as our dearly beloved brother the Champion of Ireland has evidently made an impression on the heart of the distressed BRAYHARD. ' 123 female (whom of course we shall on no account attempt to rescue), he should prevail upon her to smuggle you all back in the Giant's trap." The Champions, including Patrick, seemed to think this was not a bad idea ; and they were a good deal relieved in their minds by the time George declared the meeting was dissolved. At 5.30 P.M. young Smith was awake, and by G.15 he was in the saddle, for the Giant had decided that his son was the most suitable person to ride the mare. Brayhard was trotted out of his kennel, full to bursting of giant corn, thistles, and other things ; and in very bad condition indeed for locomotion of any sort. " Now, gentlemen jocks," said the Giant, leading the way down to the gate and holding a canvas bag in his hand, the six Champions following on foot at the top of their speed, and the two horsemen bringing up the rear, the Donkey of course very much in the rear. " Now gentlemen jocks, I have calculated that you cannot do exactly a hundred miles by undecimals without a good deal of inconvenience ; but let the race be the nearest thing to it, that will be to the forty-fourth milestone and back. The rules of go-as-you-please racing, according to the Champion of England, compel me to deposit the stakes with him." Here he handed Georsre the canvas bag (which the Champion securely fastened to the front of the saddle) and a slip of paper on which the challenger had written his problem in subtraction. Brayhard was nearly crushed to earth with the 124 BRAYHARD. weight of the sovereigns and the Champion, but tlie valiant rider managed to soothe the overburdened animal by patting him affectionately on the neck. " Ready now ? " asked the Giant. " All ready," said the Champion. " Really," laughed young Smith, " this is too much of a joke. You know it is preposterous, father." " I know nothing of the kind, sir," said the Giant, BPvAYHARD. 125 taking out his watch. " Now, when I count eleven you can start ! " So the Giant counted up to eleven, and at the word the giant mare flew forward at the rate of about two hundred miles an hour. And then a very strange thing happened to the Champion and the Donkey. CHAPTER XI. Our Hero ignominiously Fails to Follow his Nose— Consternation and Indignation of Champion George at the backward aerial Flight — Due North — How do Crows fly ? — George proposes to cut Slits in his Seven-Leagued Boots — Brilliant Suggestion of the Magical Donkey — One- Boot Travelling— Brayhard puts his Foot in it — Full Speed astern ! — Soused in the Stream — The Ferry re-crossed — Refined Tastes of Brayhard's Grand- mother — The Donkey explains — Maritime Derangement — ' Disastrous Efi"ects of Nautical Novel Beading — Flights of Rhetoric — Brayhard strikes an Attitude — Poetry and Prostration. The moment George had wished three times our hero rose in the air, but instead of following his nose and flying forward he followed his tail and flew backwards, landing on the roadway seven leagues from the gate of Castle Smith. It was really a comical sight to see the magical Ass flying through the air backwards, his tail standing out like the jib-boom of a racing yacht, " What on earth is the meaning of this ? " puffed George as the Donkey touched the ground. " I shall never get over the disgrace of being seen in such an BRAYHAED. 127 absurd position. Something must have gone wrong with the works of these rascally boots." " I'll tell you what it must be," said Brayhard. " Witches always steer due north. Now, those boots being manufactured for a witch were made to travel only in a northerly direction, and so, no matter what way my nose may be turned, the boots go due north as the crow flies." " I have no doubt you are right, Brayhard," said the Champion, " though I don't think crows invariably fly due north. They are an accursed pair of boots. And as my corns are hurting me I will at once proceed to cut slits in the confounded propellers, and so destroy their magical properties." " Don't do an}' thing rash," said Brayhard. " The only way for us to get out of this ridiculous island is to stick to the boots. Now, what is the exact distance to the water's edge from where we started in the small hours of the morning ? " " Just over seventy-three miles," answered George " A most awkward sort of distance," murmured the Donkey. " Three jumps make sixty-three miles, and a jump with one boot ten and a half That would just land us in the river." " I have it ! " said George. " Trot forward a half mile? or better make it a mile to be on the safe side, and that will put us down on the landing slip in the three jumps and a half." " Capital idea ! " brayed the Donkey. " Methought 128 BRAYHARD. it was an ass who spoke when I heard such a brilHant suggestion fall from thy lips, O Champion." " My dear fellow," said George testily, " I assure you I am quite as capable of brilHancy as the biggest ass in Europe." " Don't let us quarrel over the matter," said Bray- hard. " But how am I to trot a mile with such a weight on my poor back ? It does ache so." " Perhaps I had better get off and endeavour to walk by your side for a mile," observed George. "Champion," brayed the Donkey loudly, "thou art indeed an " " Oh, hold your row ! " interrupted George, " I assure you I do not consider it a very high compliment to be compared ever so favourably with your kindred. Trot along now," he cried, dismounting, " and I'll give you an odd flick of old mother Kalyb — I mean the late Mrs. George's wand, just to remind you of old times." And, discoursing pleasantly, George and the Donkey trotted along the road until they had covered a good honest mile of ground. " Now mount," said Brayhard, " and once more wish the regulation three times. I will stand sideways on the road on this journey, for I have often heard that is the best way to take quick travelling." " You must have been connected with tram cars formerly," laughed George, jumping into the saddle. Then he " wished " thrice, and in a moment the Donkey and he were flying sideways through the air. K 130 BRAYHARD. " Good business that ! " said Brayhard, as they landed. " I'll start with the other side in front this time," turning his body right round ; "and let you, good master, mount the wrong way up for a change. Now, wish again ! " And for the third time the Donkey and the Champion travelled along the road, or rather high above the road, leading to the Giant's pier, " That's sixty-three miles now — or rather sixty-two," said George, dismounting. " I will now relieve myself of one of my boots and tie it to your tail, old man." " I object on principle to tying things to my tail." murmured the Donkey. '' Well, shall I string it round your neck, or will you put one of your hoofs into it ? " asked George. *' I will put my foot into it," said the Donkey ; " it will look more respectable." "All right, old boy !" said George, as Brayhard lifted one of his hind legs. " Now then," putting the Donkey's leg into the boot, " you look positively lovely — something like a picture of Puss in Boots, only more so." Then the Chami^ion of England vaulted lightly into the saddle. "How Avill you travel this time?" he asked. " Snout foremost, just to vary the monotony," replied the eccentric animal. " Now we're off, full speed astern !" cried the Cham- pion ; and having wished again the Donkey and he were BRAYHARD. 131 flying once more over the Giant's road, and over his river too, and down they came splash into the water. Fortunately they had landed almost on the edge of a river bank, so they got only a good sousing in the river, and a good coating of mud as they scrambled ashore. " This comes of your calculations, you stupid creature,' fumed George. "Of yours" said the Donkey indignantly, as he struffo-led shorewards weighed down with his golden •too burden. " I took your word for the distances." " But where on earth are we ? " asked the Champion. *'I don't see the Giant's landing slip." Of course the passage through the air had been so rapid they were not aware they had crossed the river. " I'll tell you what it is," said the Donkey, giving vent to a loud and triumphant hee-haw. " We have crossed the ferry in safety." " What do you mean ? " cried George. " We have crossed the river ! Don't you remember the old famihar Fiend said that in his world they looked upon me and you as one. Now when I put the boot on the other leg — " " On what other leg, you idiot ? " asked George. " For purposes of illustration, there are but two legs between us : your two reckon as one, and my four as one. Don't you see now- ? " " Egad ! I believe you have hit it." " I am sure of it," said the Donkey proudly. " I am so glad you put your foot in it," said George, K 2 132 BRAYHARD. pointing to the boot which still clung to the hind leg of the ass. " Yes, you must be right. Ten miles across the river makes the whole distance, eighty-three miles. The four jumps make eighty-four and we subtracted one by my stratagem." " My stratagem, if you please," said the Donkey. " I think the idea was mine ; but ^are we not one for travelling purposes ? " asked George. *•' Oh, of course, I had forgotten that, for the moment," replied the conceited animal, " I feel quite exhausted," groaned George, " and my boot is a ton weight." " You exaggerate, worthy Champion," said the Donkey. " My boot too is heavy and full of mud and water, but it does not weigh, I calculate — " BRAYHARD. 133 " Look here, Brayhard," interrupted George, angrily, " if I ever hear the words ' calculate ' or ' figures ' pass your lips, or if you ever make any allusion to the undecimal system, we shall part — perhaps more in sorrow than in anger, but part we shall." " Parting is such sweet sorrow," murmured our hero, a poetic gleam stealing into his expressionless eyes. " Or sentiments, or fables, or maxims, either, mark you," said George. " They are all equally hateful to me. — But I had almost forgotten I was completely worn out." "Better wear out than rust out," exclaimed the Donkey. " I beg your pardon, forgive me, noble Cham- pion," he roared as George's wand came whack ! whack ! 13-1 BRAYHARD. on his hide like a shower of hailstones. " I quite forgot myself. Please, oh, please, knock it off." George's rage had now exhausted itself and him, and he threw himself down on the grass while poor Brayhard rolled over and over again on his back trying to obliterate the effects of the wand. He succeeded in kicking off his boot during the performance of some remarkable catlierine-wheel-like evolutions; and seeing this, the imitative Champion pulled off his wet boot, a great sigh of relief bursting from him as ho caught it by the sole and allowed the muddy water to pour itself out. " I wonder where we are, Brayhard ? " he cried, still holding his boot upside down, " Ask me another," moaned the Donkey. " We are not at the ferry steps, certainly," continued the Champion. " Can you make any sort of a guess as to our position ? " " We are somewhere abovit eighty-three miles due north of Castle Smith," replied the Donkey. " Oh, go teach your grandmother to suck eggs," cried George. " My grandmother never had the least desire to suck an egg," exclaimed Brayhard, indignantly. " More fool she ! " said George, smiling at the snobbery of the Donkey. " But the main thing is to discover where we are, and then to try and hit upon some plan for effecting a juncture with our rear-guard. It rather puzzles me to account for the extraordinary position of tlie alleged north star." BRAYHAED. 135 " I don't quite understand you," said Bmyliard. " You see," explained George, " we first travelled due north seventeen and a half leagues, then we walked a couple of miles, then we crossed a stream ten miles wide, then we went a distance of about seventy-three miles to Castle Smith. Now what I cannot understand is how or where we came to turn our back on the north pole." " Ob, dear mc," smiled the Donkey, " the matter is as plain as the nose on my face. First you see we go due north, then we shift her head a bit and steer to the westward of nor', then we 'bout ship and lay her course about sou'-west-and-by-west, and tben we fill on her again and go due south in the tax-cart." " Why, you must have been at sea, old man !" exclaimed George, in wonderment. "I never knew you were a seafaring ass. Was your certificate suspended, or what induced you to remain ashore ? " " I never was at sea, my hearty," answered Brayhard, " but I have read a vast quantity of cheap nautical novels." "To some purpose evidently," observed the Champion. " Come, find our latitude and longitude, my nautical friend." " Avast there, you lubberly son of a sea-cook ! " roared Brayhard, lashing his tail with the true-born nautical fury and enthusiasm of a melodramatic mau-o'-war's man behind the footlights. " It's easy to see you're a land-shark that never took a hitch in your trousers, a, 136 BRAYHARD. splice in your braces, a round turn on a patent winch, or swallowed the fluke of an anchor. To take the sun you'd require a chronometer in your dog-watch, a patent log round your neck, a second hand moonraker and a founder's share in a spanker ' boom,' a handful of be-laying pins in a hen-coop, a reef in your binnacle lamp, some capstan bars, a t'-gallant yard and a half, a damp sheet and a flowing beard, a y'eave ho! — and even then you wouldn't do it, you derelict, water-logged land-lubber ! " gasped the exhausted and nautically- ' deranged Donkey, with a grin which exhibited a double row of long graminivorous teeth. " If it were quite clear to me," said George, " that I shouldn't get hydrophobia from the bite of a mad donkey I'd whack you while I could stand over you," " Excuse me, noble Champion," whined Brayhard, " I am not mad, I give you my word. I am only an Ass — let the truth prevail, though the heavens fall ! — and I was carried away by the enthusiasm which the mere mention of true-blue water always stirs up in the breast . of the British donkey." " Oh, give us a rest!" moaned the Champion languidly. " I am dead sick of your rhetorical flights ! " " Talking of flights," said the Donkey, the maritime fever quite burnt out, " do you intend to adventure uiititlicr seven-league jump this afternoon ?" " 1 do not," replied George in a weary tone. " No inducement could make me try and cram my corns into those wet boots just now ; they are thoroughly shrunk BRAYHARD. 137 I suppose by this. Besides, they'd give me no end of an influenza." " Then I presume you mean to spend the remainder of the afternoon a-sleeping on the cold, cold ground," murmured Brayhard. "Your presumption is equalled only by your impu- dence and ignorance," yawned the Champion. "Blow, blow, thou winter wind," said Brayhard, striking an attitude, " thou art not so unkind as man's ingratitude. Pity the sorrows of a poor old ass whose trembling limbs " (here he shivered — a muscular feat which asses can accomplish at will, as the crocodile can shed bogus tears) " have borne him — ." At this point, desiring to be duly impressive, he turned round with the intention of indicating the Champion by pointing his fore-paw at liim, and much to his surprise and disgust, his long sensitive ears were tickled by a sound which rose like an exhalation from the grass. " Only the sound of a silent snore," he poetically observed, as he. gazed at the sleeping form of the Champion. Then with a great sigh the slighted and saddened animal threw himself on the ground, and for a consider- able period a solemn stillness held the air save when the vibrating snores of the damp Donkey and the water- logged Champion shook the surrounding atmosphere. CHAPTER XII. The Vicious Sclioolmaster — Professor Hemlock — Bocotia — Auto- cratic Government— The Debating Society — The Scottish Vice-President — Poetry and Dreams — Do Women Dream ? — " The Vision " and " The Song "— EtVects of Cohl Roast Pork — Not for Publication — The Vision of the Sleeping Ass— The Debating Society on a Nightly Prowl — The Professor's Pun — Our Hero and Champion George Dis- covered — The Vice-President utters an Exclamation — George becomes Invisible— Consternation of the Boeotian Explorers. The Schoolmaster who had instructed Tom Smith, Giant, in the arts of reading, writing, and arithmetic was {as has been already declared) a rascal. He was old, ignorant, ambitious, and ugly. His name was Jacob Hemlock, but he called himself Professor Hemlock. He had many other vices, but it would serve no good pupose to keep on enumerating them. Of course there was a virtuous side to his character also. For instance he was rich, a bachelor, exceedingly superstitious, and (though utterly devoid of "ear") he spent most of his spare moments writing poetry of a perfectly harmless kind. As a rule there wasn't BRAYHAED. 139 much of tlie poetry his own, but there were occasions when he coukl lay claim to absolutely originality. The village in which the Professor dwelt was a very inconsiderable and useless place. Nobody seemed to do anything but gossip. It had no arts, no manufactures, no polytechnics, no police courts — nothing, indeed, in the shape of public institutions except an almshouse and an alehouse. The visits of the Giant were the only events which had ever disturbed the genial current of life in Boeotia, as this unhappy village was called. Professor Hemlock was the autocrat of Boeotia. He was a self-appointed resident magistrate, and all fines inflicted by him were pocketed by him. He was the President of the Boeotian Literary and Scientific De- bating Society, and all debates were delivered solely by the President, no other villagersbeing deemed competent to argue with Professor Hemlock. He owned the lease and license of the alehouse, and the funds of the almshouse were duly misappropriated by him. Before the Giant's first visit to Boeotia the Professor had lived in a small cottage in Queer Street, but having fraudulently obtained an enormous diamond from Tom Smith he built himself a large house on the outskirts of the village, where he devoted himself chiefly to the manufacture of indigenous poetry and the con- sumption of imported tobacco. The same evening which saw the exhausted forms of the Champion of England and the magical Donkey 140 BRAYHARD. asleep on the river bank was " debating evening " in Boeotia ; and towards dusk the assembled debaters beheld approaching them, as they stood in the porch of the alehouse, their respected Professor and President. Hemlock was smoking a long pipe as he advanced majestically down the village street, and it was evident he was lost in thought. " Ha ! " he said as he reached the door of the ale- house. " Are we are all assembled ? " " Yes, sir," replied the vice-president, a market BRAYHARD. 141 gardener who had emigrated from Scotland to Boeotia with nothing but a snuff-box. " Prepare the room then for receiving me," said Professor Hemlock, "and let the usual deputation be sent out to invite me to take the chair." Accordingly the society rushed into the room set ajoart for the meetings and rushed out again in a deputative body to invite the Professor to take the chair. " Gentlemen," said the autocratic Hemlock, as, a few minutes later, he lolled back in his chair and scowled at the surrounding row of Boeotians, " the subject for this evening's debate is : ' Does Poetrv induce Dreams, or do Dreams induce Poetry ? ' Now, if this question were sprung upon you without due notice it is most likely you would all answer in the negative." " We should," shouted the society unanimously. " I thought so," smiled the Professor. " And you would be wrong," he added viciously. " We should," shouted the society. "The true solution of this problem lies neither in the negative nor the affirmative pole of thought, but some- where between — say at the equator," continued the Professor. " It does," shouted the society. " For instance," said the Professor, " if poetry induced dreams then, every poet would dream." " He would," shouted the societ}^ " And on the other hand," continued the Professor — 142 BRAYHARD. " And I ^Yisll, gentlemen, you would not express your private opinions so frequently ; it interrujits the How of the debate, and though it shows a vast amount of genuine intelligence to hear you endorse my views, still it would be better to be silent until I call specifically for your observations. — But. as I was saying — on the other hand, if dreams induced poetry, then every dreamer would be a poet. Now, it has been asserted that dogs, farm labourers, and women dream; and though it is no part of this present discussion to enter into the truth or falsehood of such an assertion, yet we may take it that there are occasions when even women dream. And surely," smiled the Professor, "none of you would be bold enough to assert that women are poets ? " The society tittered audibly and inanely. " But, as I have observed," said the Professor, clearing his throat, "the truth of the original theorem lies between the extreme poles of negation and affirmation ; and we may take it that sometimes a dream may induce a poem, and sometimes a poem may induce a dream. In 2)roof of this I may tell you that last night I read two poems in whicli the word 'dreams' occurred. Now mark this : last niglit, after a heavy supper of cold roast pork, I dreamt. Therefore a poem induced a dream. Again mark me : my dream was a strange one and it induced a poem. Therefore a dream may induce a poem. To spring such an assertion as this upon you is perha2)s unfair without offering you tangible proofs, so BRAYHARD. 143 with your permission I will read my poem. It concerns the dream and is composed in two stanzas. The first of these, which is written in a somewhat tragic measure, I will take the liberty of calling 'The Vision.' The second and lighter portion I will call ' The Song.' " Taking a sheet of foolscap from his coat pocket the Professor coughed gently and began — " The Vision. ' To my sleeping senses a wondrous dream Came into my head on yester-e'en.' " I may here observe," explained the Professor, " that in employing the word 'yester-e'en I make use of a poetic licence, as I did not really dream until after midnight. But to resume — ' I wandered tlirougli a noisome grove, And all of a sudden I fell madly in love With a donkey which I encountered, who was, I found, A-sleeping on the damp, damp ground : I tickled his ears with a thistle which I cut with a knife And I soothed his slumbers by playing on my pipe.' " Please understand," explained the Professor, " I do not mean my pipe which I use for tobacco, but again availing myself of a poetic licence, I say 'my jpipc' meaning the sort of pipe which the ancient shepherds play upon in poems like mine. But to resume — ' Then quickly my spirit did begin to quail, And he snored so loudly that I very nearly awake.' "That," said the Professor modestly, "is the end 144 BRAYHARD. of stanza the first, which I call ' The Vision,' and it is not my intention to offer it for publication at present." " Where's your Laureate noo ? " exclaimed the Scotch market-gardener. Professor Hemlock smiled at the spontaneous earnest- ness of the vice-president's compliment, and again clearing his throat he said — " The second stanza is, as I have indicated, of a lighter and more rollicking texture, and, as you are aware, it is called ' The Song.' It contains an intro- ductory rhyming couplet, and it runs thus — * However I phicked up courage ere long And this was tlie burden of my Song : I arise from dreams of thee In the first sweet sleep of night, Wlien the winds are breathing low, And the stars are shining bright. I arise from dreams of thee, and the spirit in my head Has led me, I don't exactly know how, to tliy feet, mj'' quadruped ! Methought I also observed, " Of an ass I am enaniourud."" " That is the whole poem," said the Professor, putting the foolscap sheet back into his pocket, and waiting for the deafening cheers of applause which he knew would greet him. When order was restored the erst Schoolmaster, assuming a grave and wearied aspect, continued his debate. RAYHARD. 145 " Now, gentlemen, this matter weighs heavily upon me. Such visions are not granted to mere mortals for nothing, and it is perfectly plain to my poetic senses that somewhere in the neighbourhood sleepeth an ass who is in distress and whose rescue will prove a benefit to me — and, of course," he added, " to the village in general. And as I am nothing if not practical, it is my intention to propose to this sympathetic and intelligent assembly that we should immediately go forth into the surrounding groves, and with poetry in our hearts, prosecute the search for the donkey of my dreams ! " Havinfr nothinsc to do with their time and being completely subservient to their self-elected resident- magistrate, the members of the Literary and Scientific Debating Society at once consented, neni. con., to ramble through the country in search of the ass whose where- abouts had been so strangely revealed to Professor Hemlock. The unworthy Professor of course accompanied the search party and lectured it from time to time on prosody, reciprocity, velocity, zoology, theology, electro- platology, meteorology, phrenology, geology, necrology, phlebotomy, the use of the globes, and various other things about which he knew nothing whatever. After wandering for many hours through groves, the search party at last emerged from the shadows of the trees and sighted the river, which was now richly, though inexpensively, illuminated by the risen moon. "Much have we travelled out of our ordinary ^wows," L 146 BRAYHARD. said the Professor, attempting a horrible pun, " so fate must soon prove kind, or it will behove us to return disconsolately to our muttons." This light and airy badinage had a fearfully depressing effect upon the members of the Debating Society, but they smiled and struggled on. At last a cry from the vice-president electrified them — " Where's your Columbuses noo ? " he shrieked, pointing with one hand to the Professor and with the other to the sleeping forms of Brayhard and the Champion in the near distance. The cry of the market-gardener awoke the slumbering travellers. George jumped to his feet at the same moment as Brayhard, and seizing the seven league boots he vaulted with them into the saddle and fixed his hatband on his hat, thus rendering himself and the Donkey completely invisible to the Boeotian Exploration Company. CHAPTER XIII. The Dream-Donkey — A Four-footed Figment — A Nightmare on the Chest— New Subject for Debate— Brayhard Kicks in- visibly—An Exact Science— The Fly on the Vest— The Boeotians Succour the Wounded— The Midnight March to the Village— Hemlock House — Dejection of the Donkey— Bray- hard on the Brink of a Yawning Gulf —Ask a Professor ! — The Skeleton Key in Requisition— The Truly Rural Innkeeper — L. S. D.— " Champion Jarge ! "—The Debating Society hilarious— Tripe and Onions— Odic Force— Terrible Excite- ment in the Stables— Flat Burglary— The Thirst for Com- pensation — Ass versus Man. The Professor and his friends were almost rooted to the ground with amazement. Each man looked inquir- ingly at every other man as much as to say, " Did t/ou not see something like a man and a beast a moment ago ? " and every other man answered the inquiry by a look of blank but affirmative wonderment. The silence was broken by Professor Hemlock. " You have all seen with your own eyes the donkey of my dreams, I think ? " " We have, learned Professor ! " whispered the Debat- ing Society. " The dream-creature has vanished like the baseless T *> 148 BRAYHARD. fabric of a vision, has lie not ? " said Hemlock standing out in front of his satellites and triumphantly placing his thumbs in the arm-holes of his waistcoat. " He has," responded the Debating Society, with a show of animation, "Did I not often tell you that there was more in my philosophy than you had ever even dared to dream ? " asked the Professor grandiloquently. "You did," chorused the worshipful company of Boeotians. " That ass was but a figment of the brain," said the Pro- fessor — " a mirage, a phantom, a poetical nightmare." The Champion of England, to give him his duo, was no lover of pomposity or hypocrisy, and not being under the spell which Hemlock had weaved around the un- happy villagers, he experienced an intense desire to kick the Professor. This desire however he decided to keep in check owing to the fact that it would be only a bootless kick he could just then direct against the" autocrat of BcEotia. However, George was a man of resources, and his recent experiences in company with the magical Donkey had the effect of producing a quicker flow of thought. " By Jove ! " he reflected as he sat in the saddle, gazing invisibly at the wondering crowd of explorers, " couldn't old Brayhard do the trick splendidly ? " " I say, old chap," he whispered, leaning forward until his mouth was close to the Donkey's ear, " I want you to BRAYHARD. 14!) confer a favour upon me. Don't speak or bray, whatever you do, but just allow me to back you gently into position and when I give you a pinch let fly with one of your hind legs as hard as ever you can fire your hoof." " I see," v^hispered Brayhard gently, a smile distorting his melancholy mouth. " A nod is as good as a wink to an invisible quadruped any day." " You hear the humbug calling you a mirage, a phantom, a nightmare, don't you ? " said George. " Now, let him have a nightmare on the chest that will astonish his weak nerves. Gently, old figment ! " chuckled George, backing his steed into position. " Gentlemen/' said the Professor, " a most excellent subject for the next debate at our glorious Literary and Scientific Institution would be : Was this creature of my dreams a mirage or a nightmare ? " Just as he uttered these words Brayhard let fly one of his hind legs full tilt at old Hemlock, and planted his hoof just about the middle of the Professor's chest. The unfortunate man, uttering a horrible shriek, was shot backwards head over heels a distance of several yards ; and for an appreciable space of time the Boeotians were so overwhelmed with this new spiritualistic mani- festation that none of them had the courage to run to the assistance of his master. At last the market- gardener took a big pinch of snuff, plucked up courage, and advanced cautiously to where the Professor lay groaning and moaning. 150 BRAYHABD, " I fancy that debate will be rather a failure," smiled George, urging the Donkey backwards to a safe distance. " I hope you haven't injured the fellow much, Bray- hard ? " " Oh, not at all ! " replied the magical Donkey, " Kickinof with me has been reduced to an exact science. You see I once had a second- cousin, a mule, who could use his hoofs with most remarkable effect and precision, and many a lesson has he taught me. The gentleman is really more frightened than hurt." " I hope so," murmured the Champion. " He deserved a lesson in common sense, but I think it would be unfair to smash his ribs, or anything of that kind." " I give you my word of honour no bones are broken," 'replied the Donkey reassuringly. " When I was in practice I have for a trifling wager killed a fly on a man's waistcoat without causing the man any inconven- ience beyond a severe shock to the whole nervous system." By this time the Boeotians had plucked up courage one and all, and were standing or kneeling round their discomfited chief magistrate. Seeing this George observed to his steed: "I say, Brayhard, wouldn't it be a good idea to follow those fellows to their homes ? I don't feel particularly dry just yet, and as we shall want a night's lodging some- where we had better keep this crowd in view. They arc sure to belong to some neighbouring town." " You are quite right," said the Donkey. " I shall ERAYHARD. 151 not be at all sorry to get the bag of gold off my un- fortunate back — the weight of it very nearly dragged me under when we fell in the river, and it seriously interferes with my revolutionary exercises," " Of course," said George. " I had -almost forgotten that you had such a load on your shoulders — I mean on your back. As for these unfortunate boots which I have still a grip of with my right hand, and which my poor wrist aches from holding, I am inclined seriously to chuck them into the next heap of rubbish we meet." " I told you before not to be rash, Champion," said Brayhard. " The boots are no doubt damp and heavy now, but with the aid of a good fire and a nice coating of grease they will suit us admirably, I doubt not, on some future occasion. But see, good master, our friends are on the march. Shall we follow them ? " "Certainly," replied the Champion. "I was just thinking whether we should follow visibly or invisibly. What do you say ? " "Invisibly," replied the Donkey. "If you were to disclose my presence now perhaps they might wreak vengeance on me, being the only supposititious ass or nightmare in the vicinity." " Very well," said George. " Trot along then invisibly, good Brayhard." So the Donkey and the Champion pursued the even tenour of their way at a respectful distance behind the retreating and Hemlock-laden Boeotians. T52 BRAYHARD. The Debating Society made straight for " Hemlock House," as the Professor's residence was called, by enter- ing upon a short and narrow path through the woods ; and when at length the precious heavy burden was deposited on a couch in the best bedroom, the Boeotians made a rapid descent upon the alehouse. The Champion and the Donkey had followed the villagers at a leisurely pace, and when the latter had disappeared into the alehouse, George read by the light of the moon the legend on the sign which swung over the doorway : Entertainment for Man and Beast. " This will suit us down to the ground," he whispered to Brayhard. " I think I will now divest myself of the hatband and don once more my damp boots." And suiting the action to the word he removed the invisible mourning band, placed it in the breast pocket of his overcoat, and then strove mightily with the seven- leagued foot-warmers. " What ails you, old chap ? " he asked, observing that Brayhard's head hung dejectedly. " You'll get a crick in your visible neck if you don't look out." The Donkey lifted his head with a great sigh and indicated the sign-board with a peculiar motion of his supple car. " Oh, I see," smiled the Champion. " You don't like the expression Beast. Is that it? " BRAYHAHD. 153 "That's it," replied the Donkey. "But it is merely a generic term," explained George, dismountiog. " That is why I object to it," said the Donkey, " It instantly places me on a level with the monkey-of-thc- oro-an-frrinder, the lamb-ahout-to-be-led-to-slaughter, the dog-in-the-manger, the noble-animal-anxi-very- useful-to-man " " I know," interrupted George, with a laugh—" the cow-that-jumped-over-the-moon, the cat-that -ran-after 154 BEAYHAKD. the-spoon, &c. Beware, Braybard ! thou art approach- ing perilously near the forbidden land of fables. There, don't be an ass — I mean a professor — like our friend the enemy, whose nervous system I fear you have completely shattered." "I protest against this badinage, Champion," said Brayhard. " It seems to me that, like most men I have encountered in my earthly pilgrimage, you regard the members of my, my — ." Here he coughed, as he couldn't think of a suitable substantive. " Si^ecies, let us say," suggested the Champion. " Cough it up ! " " Well, species," continued the Donkey. " That you regard a member of my meditative species as a mere synonym for a human fool. Why is this ? " " Oh, ask a policeman ! " replied the Champion. " I'm not a debating society, nor a private enquiry office. But I'll tell you what I am — cold and hungry. So here goes ! " he cried, advancing to the door of the inn. " Hi, landlord ! " he shouted, knocking loudly at the door with the defunct witch's wand — for the alehouse was now shut up (except of course to lond-fide travel- lers), it being after the ordinary closing time. " Who's there ? " asked a thin, shrill voice from within. " Only a hond-fide man and be — I beg pardon — ass, replied the gallant Champion. •' Arc you both members of the Literary and Scion- ERAYHARD. 155 tific Debating Society ? " inquired the still, small voice from within. " We are not" replied George, laying special emphasis on the not. " Then I can't admit you at this hour," said the still, small voice. " This is a pretty how-do-you-do," muttered George, turning round and addressing Brayhard. " Has the noble Cliampion forgotten his picklock — I should say magical key ? " interrogated the Donkey in a tone of veiled sarcasm. " Well, I'm blessed ! " exclaimed George. " I had indeed quite forgotten it for the moment." "You'll be forgetting your prayers presently," sneered the Donkey. " Not my involuntary ones. I sha'n't forget the effect of them in a hurry," smiled George, producing the key from his pocket and turning it in the lock. " Now then, follow your leader, old chap ! " Much to the astonishment of the landlord, a wizened little old man, the door flew open and the Champion and the Donkey entered the alehouse, " This is an intrusion, sir," said the landlord. " I wish you wouldn't give way to those self-evident ejaculations," observed George. "They are perfectly hateful to me. We require — me and my ass — first- class entertainment." " We do not provide such frivolous things as enter- tainments," squealed the landlord. " This is a truly 156 BRAYHARD. rural alehouse, where every customer is supposed to converse in the intellectual and semi-humorous style to be found in rustic novels, 'passim ! " " Gadzooks ! " exclaimed George. " Here is, I presume, another professor." " Sir ! " said the landlord, " I scorn the imputation. The only party of that sort in this neighbourhood is our worthy Professor Hemlock, who is, I hear, suffering from the effects of a severe but invisible application of horse-hoof on the epidermic portion of his chest." " Give me to eat and my ass to feed ! " said George, haughtily ; " or perhaps you might find old Hemlock's complaint epidemical as well as epidermical." Overcome by the haughty mien of the Champion the wizened old landlord closed the door, sighed and said : " What will the noble gentleman eat for himself, and what for the Donkey ? " " I don't eat for the Donkey," replied George. " I have got quite enough to do to consume my own victuals. The ordinary fodder of commerce will suit him to a nicety. As for myself, I should not at all mind a taste of a savoury dish, the fumes of which are now tickling my nostrils." " That, sir," said the landlord, " is some tripe and onions — a specialite of ours — provided for the L. S. D." " Oh, you need have no fear about the L. S. D." said George, producing from Kalyb's reticule a fistful of the bogus sovereigns. BRAYHARD. 157 "The gentleman misunderstands me," smiled the landlord. " By L. S. D. I do not mean filthy lucre, but the Literary and Scientific Debating Society. And I must ask their permission before I can allow a stranger to sup with them. What name, please ? " *' Oh, tell them, George, Che-arapion of England," answered the Champion, with the air of a true ^reux- chevalier. " Whaat ! " squeaked the landlord. " Chamjjion Jarge ? " " The same," answered George, haughtily. " And when you are mentioning my name please do not pronounce it as if rhymed with Barge." " I will do anything the exalted Champion asks me," said the landlord. " Then put my steed up comfortably to begin with. I will myself lead him out to the stables if you show the way." The landlord bowed and led the way to the stables through a back door. " I will leave the bag of real sovereigns with you," whispered George to the Donkey. "They will be safer in your charge. And if any one attempts to steal it kindly give him an object lesson in the noble art of kicking." The Donkey for all answer winked a wink with his left eye. After Brayhard had been made comfortable the land- lord ushered George into the room where the L. S. D. were assembled and introduced him. The Debating 158 BRAYHARD. Society were highly flattered at having the great Chamj)ion to supper, and insisted on placing him at the head of the table in the chair usually occupied by their president. The worthy landlord then — after the manner of a deputation — withdrew. The Society seemed in high spirits. When George gravely inquired after Professor Hemlock a roar of laughter greeted him, in which even the sycophantic market-gardener joined. " Where's your nightmares noo ? " chuckled the Scottish vice-president, at which sally the table was set in a roar, which made the exterior welkin ring. " I wonder what it could have been that so deliciously tumbled the old scoundrel, sir?" asked one of the L. S. D. of George, after the night's adventures had been told to the wily Champion. "It looked like the kick of a mule, and we all certainly saw something re- sembling a man and beast in ordinary human form just before the accident happened." "I should fancy it was what is called Odic force," mumbled George, his mouth full of tripe and onions. At this moment a fearful yell, followed almost imme- diately by a triumphant bray, reached the ears of the company and paralyzed them with terror. "Gentlemen," said George, rising to his feet and addressing the temporary-deranged members of the L. S. D., " be not afraid ! The bray emanates from the throat of my trusty steed. Let us away to the glens — I mean the back-yard." BRAYHAKD. 159 And drawing his sword, the noble Champion marched out of the room followed by the more adventurous of the Boeotians. A pitiful sight awaited them in the stables. Bray- hard, in a high state of excitement, was standing up lashing his flanks furiously with his nervous tail, and in a corner of the stable lay the wizened old landlord completely doubled up. " Where's your phantoms noo ? " cried the Scotch market-gardener, pointing threateningly at the Donkey. " Be calm, gentlemen ! " said George. " If my gallant steed has kicked the unfortunate landlord, the kick has been administered in self-defence. Speak, Brayhard ! ' " He tried to steal the bag off my back. Champion," explained Brayhard in a tremulous voice. " Well — I never ! " exclaimed one of the Boeotians addressing his companions, who were all quaking with terror and astonishment at hearing the articulate hasso prof 'undo of the Donkey. " I have often heard of steal- in Mary E. Hullah. Mrs. Macquoid. Mrs. Macquoid. Frances A. Gerard. Gilbert Bishop. F. M. Allen. Richard Dowling. Hume Nisbet. Mrs. Cashel Hoey. A. Larder, Frank R. Stockton. Hume Nisbet. William V. Herbert. D. J. Belgrave, Lucy Leeds. George Moore. J-. S. Fletcher. Mrs. Macquoid. Mrs. Lynn Linton. John Davidson. Mrs. Riddell. Baynton Foster. Mrs. Cashel Hoey. Mary Linskill. Mrs. Sigerson. Author of "Valentino." Madame Wohl. Charles Gibbon. Tom Lee. R. Dowling. John Cahill. J. S. Le Fanu. II Price 5s. AT MRS. BLUNT'S : A New Humorous Novel. By George Manville Fenn. With Sixty Illustrations by Gordon Browne. A TALE OF THREE NATIONS. By J. F. Hodgetts. ANGELE'S TEMPTERS : A Novel. By Isaac Teller. GLORINDA: A Story. By Anna Bowman Dodd. IGNORANT ESSAYS. By Richard Dowling. LOCUSTA. By W. Outram Tristram. PRINCE OF THE BLOOD. By James Payn. STRANGE CRIMES. By William Westall. Price 3s. 6d. ARM-CHAIR ESSAYS. By F. Arnold. BRAVE MEN IN ACTION : Thrilling Stories of the British Flag. By Stephen J. Mackenna and John Augustus O'Shea. CHAMELEON, THE: Fugitive Fancies on many Coloured Matters. By Charles J. Dunphie. GOLDEN SOUTH, THE. Memories of Home Life in Australia. By " Lyth." PARIS BY DAY AND NIGHT. By Anglo-Parisian. RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS OF COURTS AND SOCIETY. By a CosmopoHtan. THREE-CORNERED ESSAYS. By F. Arnold. 12 One- Volume Novels. Price 3s. 6d. ANCHOR WATCH YARNS. Illustrated by M.Fitzgerald F.M.Allen. ANTONY GRACE. Illustrated by Gordon Browne G. Manville Fenn. BETTER MAN, THE A.Patterson. Author of " I'll tell the Dick." CATCHING A TARTAR G. W. Appleton. COSETTE Mrs. Macquoid. FOX AND THE GOOSE, THE : A Story of the Curragh of Kildare J.P.Glynn. FROZEN HEARTS G. W. Appleton. IN JEOPARDY George Manville Fenn. IN LUCK'S WAY Byron Webber. JOHN BROWN AND LARRY LOHENGRIN. Illustrated by A. Hitchcock Wm. Westall. LAST HURDLE, THE; A Story of Sporting and Courting Frank Hudson. LIFE'S MISTAKE, A Mrs. H. Lovett Cameron. LOST EXPLORER, THE J. F. Hogan. MY SPANISH SAILOR Marshall Saunders. MYSTERY OF KILLARD, THE .. .. Richard Dowling. NIGEL FORTESCUE. Illustrated by W. Bronchier Wm. Westall. NUGENTS OF CARRICONNA, THE .. Tighe Hopkins. PRINCE DICK OF DAHOMEY ; or. Adventures in the Great Dark Land. Illustrated by M. Fitzgerald . . . . . . . . . . James Greenwood. RECOILING VENGEANCE, A. Illustrated by E. J. Brewtnall Frank Barrett. RED RUIN : A Tale of West African River Life A. N. Homer. 13 One- Volume Novels, Price 3s. 6d. [continued) . SISTERS OF PHAETON F.Armstrong. SPANISH GALLEON, THE F. C. Badrick. Author of " Starwood Hall." TARTAN AND GOLD Byron Webber. THROUGH GREEN GLASSES. Illustrated by M. Fitzgerald F.M.Allen, TING-A-LING TALES Frank R. Stockton. TWO PINCHES OF SNUFF William Westall. WHERE TEMPESTS BLOW M. W. Paxton. WRECK OF THE ARGO; or, the Island Home. ' Illustrated by M. Fitzgerald. Price 2s. 6d. BLIND MUSICIAN. A Story adapted from the Russian. By S. Stepniak and William Westall. CHEQUERS, THE. By James Runciman. CRIME OF KESIAH KEENE, THE : A Novel. By Mrs. Vere Campbell. FROM THE GREEN BAG. By F. M. Allen. GRETCHEN. By " Rita." HANDSOME JACK. By James Greenwood. IDLE TALES. By Mrs. Riddell. IRISH IN AUSTRALIA, THE. By J. F. Hogan. LIVING PARIS. " Exhibition " Edition. MODERN CIRCE, A. By " Molly Bawn." STORY OF MARY HERRIES, THE : A Novel. THE OUTLAW OF ICELAND. By Victor Hugo. 14 Novels. Price 2s. In Picture Boards. AN AUSTRALIAN HEROINE ANTONY GRACE AS IN A LOOKING GLASS .. BIRD OF PASSAGE, A BLACK BLOOD COQUETTE'S CONQUEST, A DEAN AND HIS DAUGHTER, THE DIANA HARRINGTON Mrs. Campbell Praed. . . G. Manville Fenn. F. C. Philips. B. M. Croker. .. G. Manville Fenn. "Basil." F. C. Philips. B. M. Croker. DINGY HOUSE AT KENSINGTON, THE DOUBLE CUNNING DUKE'S SWEETHEART, THE EARLY FROST, AN FOLLY MORRISON GREAT PORTER SQUARE .. GRETCHEN GRIF . . G. Manville Fenn. . . Richard Dowling. .. C. R. James. Frank Barrett. B. L. Farjeon. "Rita." B. L. Farjeon. Mrs. Campbell Praed. HEAD STATION, THE HER TWO MILLIONS William Westall. HONEST DAVIE Frank Barrett. HOUSE OF WHITE SHADOWS, THE .. B. L. Farjeon. HUSBAND AND WIFE Marie Connor. IN DURANCE VILE Author of " Molly Bawn." IN ONE TOWN IN A SILVER SEA IN THE FLOWER OF HER YOUTH JACK AND THREE JILLS .. LIEUTENANT BARNABAS .. LIL LORIMER LOGIE TOWN Edmund Downey. B. L. Farjeon. Mabel Collins. F. C. Philips. Frank Barrett. .. Theo. Gift. Sarah Tytler. 15 LOUISA K. S. Macquoid. MAIDEN ALL FORLORN, A .. By the Author of " Molly Bawn." MARVEL Author of " Molly Bawn." MASTER OF THE CEREMONIES, THE .. .. G. M. Fenn. MENTAL STRUGGLE, A .. .. Author of " Molly Bawn." MIRACLE GOLD Richard Dowling. MISER FAREBROTHER B. L. Farjeon. MISS JACOBSEN'S CHANCE.. .. Mrs. Campbell Praed. MODERN CIRCE, A Author of " Molly Bawn," MODERN MAGICIAN, A .. •• J- Fitzgerald Molloy. NUN'S CURSE, THE Mrs. Riddell. OLD FACTORY, THE William Westall. ONE MAID'S MISCHIEF G. M. Fenn. PRETTY MISS NEVILLE B. M. Croker. PRINCE OF THE BLOOD, A James Payn, PROPER PRIDE B. M. Croker. RED RYVINGTON William Westall. SACRED NUGGET, THE B. L. Farjeon. SCHEHERAZADE . . Author of " The House on the Marsh." SECRET INHERITANCE, A B. L. Farjeon. SOCIAL VICISSITUDES F. C. Philips. TEMPEST DRIVEN Richard Dowling. TERRIBLE LEGACY, A G. W. Appleton. THAT VILLAIN ROMEO .. .. J. Fitzgerald Molloy. THIS MAN'S WIFE G. M. Fenn. TRAGEDY OF FEATHERSTONE, THE .. B. L. Farjeon. TWO LOVES IN ONE LIFE Mrs. Bourne. TWO PINCHES OF SNUFF William Westall. UNDER ST. PAUL'S Richard Dowling. WHAT HAST THOU DONE? .. J. Fitzgerald Molloy. WYVERN MYSTERY, THEJ J J. S. Le Fanu. i6 Novels. Price Is. AM YON DREWTH AS IN A LOOKING GLASS AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR BAG OF DIAMONDS BLIND JUSTICE CHARGE FROM THE GRAVE, A .. CHRONICLES OF THE CROOKED CLUB DEVLIN THE BARBER DR. BERNARD ST. VINCENT EVE AT THE WHEEL FATAL HOUSE, THE FLOWER OF DOOM, THE .. .. M FOG PRINCES, THE FROM THE GREEN BAG GREAT HESPER, THE HIS OTHER SELF HOUSE OF TEARS, A W. Locke. .. F. C. Philips. E. T. Pickering. . . G. M. Fenn. Helen Mathers. SOMERVILLE GiBNEY. James Greenwood, B. L. Farjeon. Hume Nisbet. .. G. M. Fenn. Alice Corkran. . Beetham-Edwards. Florence Warden. .. F. M. Allen. Frank Barrett. E. J. Goodman. Edmund Downey. Mabel Collins. IDA : an Adventure in Morocco . . LADY VALWORTH'S DIAMONDS By the Author of " Molly Bawn." LITTLE TU'PENNY Author of " Mehalah." MISS GASCOIGNE Mrs. Riddell. MISS TODD'S DREAM Mrs. Huddleston. MORE PEOPLE WE MEET: A Sequel to "People We Meet." Illustrated .. .. .. Charles Rideal. MUSIC HALL LAND. Illustrated by Alfred Bryan MYSTERY OF CLOOMBER, THE .. OLIVER'S BRIDE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, A .. PROPOSALS ; being a Maiden Meditation. SCHOOL BOARD ESSAYS SKELETON KEY, THE SNOWBOUND AT EAGLE'S .. SUSPICION: A strange story SWOOP OF THE EAGLES: An Episode in History of Europe . . THROUGH GREEN GLASSES VOYAGE OF THE ARK, THE WEEK AT KILLARNEY, A .. WHAT WAS IT? Percy Fitzgerald. A. CoNAN Dovle. Mrs. Oliphant. Florence Warden. Emanuel Kink. Richard Dowling, .. Bret Harte. Christian Lys. the Secret Allen Upward. .. F. M. Allen. . . F.- M. Allen. Author of " Molly Bawn." .. FiTzjAMES O'Brien. WARD & DOWNEY, 12, York Street. Covent Garden. London. Sovello, Ewer & Co., Printers, London. ■Jr v^lOSANCElfj> .ce ^OFCA1IFO%, .^^FrALiFO/?^ '■^OAhV '^^oxwmni'^' ? t ^35 j(>>^' <.0f ^ J^V 'OSANCEia. rn '^. CO ^ > t ?H OJO SO •. -rr 3 1158 01123 2955 # fAClUTV fti^ 000 364 649 o; ■Av n 3> -<