EiNKOD BY EDWARD E. ROSE X rL FRENCH, "A Kh St., Nw Yotfc BILLETED. A comedy in 3 acts, by F. Tennison Jesse and H. Harwood. 4 mi females. One easy interior scene. A charming comedy, constru 'ith uncommon skill, and abounds with clever lines. Margaret Angl K success. Amateurs will find this comedy easy to produce and popi 'ith all audiences. Price, CO Ce NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. A comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. :imes, modern. Two interior scenes. Plays 2J4 hours. Is it possible to tell the absolute truth even for twenty-four hours? It I least Bob Bennett, the hero of "Nothing But the Truth," accomplished at. The bet he made with his business partners, and the trouble he got in* lh his partners, his friends, and his fiancee this is the subject of Will '>!lic-r*s tremendous comedy hit. "Nothing But the Truth" can be whole-hearte ^commended as one of the most sprightly, amusing and popular comedies 1 is country can boast. Price, 60 Ce IN WALKED JIMMY. A comedy in 4 acts, by Minnie Z. Jaffa. 10 males, 2 females (althoi ny number of males and females may be used as clerks, etc.) T jterior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2 J /2 hours. The thing i: "hich Jimmy walked was a broken-down shoe factory, when the cle ad all been fired, and when the proprietor was in serious contemplat f suicide. Jimmy, nothing else but plain Jimmy, would have been a mysterious fig ad it not been for his matter-of-fact manner, his smile and his everlast Uimanness. He put the shoe business on its feet, won the heart of the : lerk, saved her erring brother from jail, escaped that place as a perman Boarding house himself, and foiled the villain. Clean, wholesome comedy with just a touch of human nature, just a dash excitement and more than a little bit of true philosophy make "In Walked Jimn one of the most delightful of plays. Jimmy is full of the religion of life, religion of happiness and < the religion of helpfulness, and he so permeates atmosphere with his "religion" that everyone is happy. The spirit of optimii good cheer, and hearty laughter dominates the play. There is not a _ dull mom In any of the four acts, We strongly recommend it. Price, 60 Cer MARTHA BY-THE-DAY. An optimistic comedy in three acts, by Julie M. Lippmann, author the "Martha" stories. 5 males, 5 females. Three interior scenes. C umes modern. Plays %y 2 hours. It Is altogether a gentle thing, this play. It is full of quaint humor, o shioned, homely sentiment, the kind that people who see the play will re( id chuckle over tomorrow and the next day. Miss Lippmann has herself adapted her very successful book for stage seryi d in doing this has selected from her novel the most telling incidents, infectic medy and homely sentiment for the play, and the result is thoroughly delight! Price, 60 Cn (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 Weat 38th Street, New York City Wew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request PENROD A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS ADAPTED FOR THE STAGE FROM BOOTH TARKINGTON'S PENROD STORIES BY EDWARD E. ROSE COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY N. BOOTH TARKINGTON ALSO COPYRIGHT IN GREAT BRITAIN AND THE DOMINION OF CANADA, 1921, BY N. BOOTH TARKINGTON ALL RIGHTS RESERVED CAUTION : Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that "PENROD," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Great Brit- ain, and the Dominion of Canada, is subject to a royalty, and any one presenting the play without the consent of the authors or their authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Ap- plications for the amateur acting rights must be made to Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York. Applications for the professional acting rights must be made to George C. Tyler, New Amsterdam Theatre Building, West 42nd Street, New York. New York SAMUEL FRENCH Publisher 28-30 West 38th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street Strand Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book without a valid contract for production first having been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or in private for gain or charity. In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance, representation, production, recitation or public reading may be given except by special arrangement with Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York. Attention is called to the penalty provided by law for any infringement of the author's rights, as follows: "SECTION 4966 : Any person publicly performing or rep- resenting any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages, in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." U. S. Revised Statutes : Title 60, Chap. 3. Stack Annex The following is a copy of the play-bill of the first performance of "Penrod." GLOBE THEATRE, NEW YORK, SEPT. 2, 1918 MESSRS. KLAW & ERLANGER and GEORGE C. TYLER Present BOOTH TARKINGTON'S PENROD Adapted for the stage by Edward E. Rose from the stones. 2063450 CAST OF CHARACTERS (In order of their appearance. ) TIM Robert Vaughn BELLA, the Schofield cook Flo Irwin MARY SCHOFIELD, Penrod's mother Catherine Emmet MR. JONES, Marjorie's father George Meech JARGE Leslie M. Hunt ROBERT WILLIAMS Paul Kelly MRS. BASSETT May Ellis HENRY P. SCHOFIELD, Penrod's father Edmund Elton MARGARET SCHOFIELD, Penrod's sister Helen Hayes HERBERT HAMILTON DADE John Davidson PENROD SCHOFIELD Andrew Lawlor SAM WILLIAMS Richard Ross MARJORIE JONES Helen Chandler GEORGIE BASSETT Ben F. Grauer REV. LESTER KINOSLING Wm. F. Canfield HERMAN Thomas McCann VERMAN ..Charles Whitfield MR. COOMBES, Chief of Police Jack Ellis Produced under the stage direction of the author, assisted by Dudley Digges. SYNOPSIS ACT I. The Schofield side yard. A June after- noon. ACT II. The Schofield side-yard. A few days later. ACT III. The Schofield side-yard. On a June evening. ACT IV. The Schofield sitting-room. The same night. (Note. The entire four acts can be played in the Schofield side-yard.) PENROD ACT I SCENE. The Scho field house is c. and has a rather cosy veranda set at a slight angle with the foot- lights. A fence extends from the masking wing L. up to L.C. and thence disappears behind the house; it is broken by a gate at a point directly opposite to the end of the veranda. On the R. the end of the barn shows with its broad door in which there is a smaller one. Just above and to the left is the door to the kitchen placed in the right angle of the house. It is a bright June afternoon as the curtain rises and BELLA is heard in the kitchen sing- ing an old Irish song as she works. Presently she comes to the door there, a broom in her hands. SAM WILLIAMS. (Is heard off L. giving the sig- nal between himself and PENROD,) Wee-oh-kee! (BELLA pauses and listens. PENROD answers off R.) Wee-oh-kee! (BELLA grips her broom and steals back into the kitchen and we know instinctively that she means violence.) enters R. around barn. He is a shifty-eyed, slim young fellozv of twenty-seven, just a lit- tle bit flashy in his dress. He looks up at the 7 * PfiNROB house as he faks the cigarette he is rolling and there is something sinister in his glance.) SAM. (Off L.) Wee-oh-kee! TIM. (Answering PENROD, off Rj Wee-oh-kee! (DELLA opens the kitchen door and makes a sweep- ing blow with the broom at zvhat she believes is SAM. TIM jumps away ) Huh! DELLA. Murder alive! Look at that now. TIM. What's the idea, Delia? DELLA. Sure an' I thought you were one of them, Tim ! TIM. One of what? DELLA. That divil Penrod an' his gang. TIM. Been botherin' you, have they ? DELLA. Botherin' me? Listen here, Mister Tim Beaver. There's not a day passes that Penrod doesn't think up some new divilment to try on me. TIM. Dust his jacket, Delia. DELLA. That's easy to say, but ye've got to catch the imp before ye can do it, haven't ye ? TIM. Sure you have ! DELLA. That's the trouble! Night after night I've lain awake planning the most beautiful schemes to lay me hands upon the little darling. TIM. Yes? DELLA. And the next day whin I tried them whisst, he was gone. Ye know how hard it is to catch a flea? TIM. I sure do! DELLA. This imp Penrod ha's any flea beaten a mile when it comes to getting out of trouble. SAM. (Off L.) Wee-oh-kee! DELLA. Listen to that! That's the signal for trouble. When ye hear that wee-oh-kee, get a club an' stand ready, for there's going to be ructions. (She starts for the house but ) TIM. (Stops her) Wait a minute, Delia ! PENROD 9 DELLA. I can't, Tim! Sure an' I have a. cake in the oven ready for the company that's comin' this afternoon. TIM. A party, eh? DELLA. Well, a sort of one. The new minis- ter's coming an' there's goin' to be some sort of a dido in the parlor about the pagunt the school teacher is getting up wid Master Penrod and a few other little divils like him. TIM. Well, how about coming out for a walk to-night, eh? DELLA. Saints above, but you are the fresh fel- ler, sure I only met ye a week ago. TIM. Aw, what's the diff? Come on an' we'll make a call on your married sister Katy. DELLA. Well, I'll see how me work comes out. What are you doin' over here anyhow? Aren't you working for Mr. Burns, the carpenter? TIM. Sure, but we're through for the day so I thought I'd just drop in on you. DELLA. Yis ; well, thin, ye kin jist drop out ag'in. TIM. Aw, come on, be nice to a feller, can't ye? DELLA. I'm not allowed to have young men hangin' around the place, those are Mister Scho- field's orders. TIM. What does Schoneld care? This isn't the First National Bank he's president of. He's a grouch, ain't he? DELLA. Listen, if you were the father of that divil Penrod, you'd be a grouch, an' a mighty bad one. MRS. SCHOFIELD. (Off L.J Ah, Mr. Jones? JONES. (Off L.; Mrs. Schoneld ! DELLA. Whist here comes the missus. Get out of here, will ye? (She exits at the kitchen door R.c. TIM exits R.j (At the same time MRS. SCHOFIELD inters at the gate L. with MR. io PENROD MRS. S. I'm so glad I happened to meet you, Mr. Jones. JONES. Yes ! MRS. S. Because I want Mrs. Jones to bring Marjorie over this afternoon. JONES. Laura's at her Aunt's to-day. MRS. S. Well, don't you think you could man- age it? JONES. Certainly, but what's the occasion? MRS. S. Why, our new minister Reverend Lester Kinosling and Mrs. Rewbush are coining to tea and I thought it would be pleasant to have Marjorie over and run through the little scene in the King Arthur Pageant that the children are going to give to-morrow afternoon in the hall. JONES. Oh, yes. I've heard a good deal about that. I'll run home get Marjorie, dress and MRS. S. Oh, you don't have to dress or any- thing like that, Mr. Jones. JONES. Excuse me, but you said the minister was coming. MRS. S. Reverend Lester Kinosling; yes. JONES. Got to stand well with the new minister, you know. (He bows and starts for the gate L.j MRS. S. And if you see Penrod, please send him home, Mr. Jones. JONES. (Stops suddenly with a start as PENROD'S name is mentioned. Then he turns ivith a manner visibly perturbed) Is Penrod going to be in this afternoon tea-party? MRS. S. Why, yes ! Penrod has the leading part in the pageant. JONES. (Mopping his face) Good Lord ! MRS. S. Yes, Mr. Jones ! JONES. (Covering up his exclamation) Warm day, I said yes, quite hot. MRS. S. It is sultry ! JONES. And if I can read signs at all, I think PENROD II it's going to be a darned sight hotter. (He exits at the gate L..) (MRS. SCHOFIELD exits into the house.) BOB WILLIAMS. (Enters R.j Margaret! Oh, Margaret dear Margaret ! MRS. S. (Coming from the house with work- basket and red trunks) Why, Robert Williams, is that you ? BOB. (Very confused) Dearest! I ... I ... mean, yes, Mrs. Schofield, I guess so. ... MRS. S. Don't you know, Robert? BOB. Yes, yes, of course I do How do? (He shakes hands with MRS. SCHOFIELD J Well, how how is everybody? MRS. S. We are all very well, thank you, Robert ! BOB. That's good ! Ahem ! Is is Margaret well? (Both sit in veranda chairs.) MRS. S. Very well! BOB. That's good ! (A pause) Is is Margaret home? MRS. SCHOFIELD. Why, no, Robert. She went over to the Lanneys' an hour ago. Mrs. Lanney has rheumatism. BOB. That's good ! MRS. S. Robert! BOB. I I mean too bad, I just got home about an hour ago. MRS. S. What in the world kept you so long after college? BOB. (Very importantly) Oh, I was arranging to go to Law School; after that Judge Beamish is going to take me into his office here. MRS. S. You have another year at college, then Law School, and after that, Judge Beamish's office. Robert, you are looking pretty far ahead ! u PENROD BOB. (Rather excitedly) Mrs. Schoneld, I don't believe a man can begin his career too soon. MRS. SCHOFIELD. I only hope you won't overdo things, Robert. BOB. Mrs. Schofield, as a citizen of this Repub- lic, I think I know what is required of me and I am going to do it. MRS. S. Yes, Robert? BOB. (Stammering nervously) Is is Mar- garet coming home soon? MRS. S. She said she would be right back. (Bos sighs heavily.) MRS. S. Is anything the matter, Robert? BOB. (Hastily) Oh no no. MRS. S. If there is you must tell me. You know we have always been good friends. BOB. (Rather romantically) You are Margar- et's mother. MRS. S. Why, yes, Robert ! BOB. How wonderful ! MRS. S. I don't know that I ever thought of it in that way. BOB. Ah, but you should, Mrs. Schofield ; and as time goes on, and the years gather about your head, you will see it more and more. MRS. S. Robert, you are speaking as though I were a grandmother. BOB. (Quickly) And you will be, some day. MRS. S. What! BOB. That is, I mean you may be it it usually happens so, doesn't it? MRS. S. Yes, but I don't think I care to be in the grandmother class just yet, Robert. BOB. Why, it would be the glorious crown of your life, Mrs. Schofield. Think of it, little feet pattering up and down your silent halls. MRS. S. You are mistaken, Robert. Little feet patter in poems, but in real life they clatter and bang! PENROD 13 BOB. And sweet childish voice* , like the chime of golden bells. SAM. (Off Lj Wee-oh-kee! PENROD. ( Off R.) Wee-oh-kee ! BOB. Huh? MRS. S. Those are the childish voices you just mentioned, Robert, and they don't sound like golden bells, do they ? BOB. The ones I meant would. MRS. S. I do hope Margaret won't be long. Reverend Kinosling and Mrs. Rewbush are coming to tea, and we're going to run over some scenes from the King Arthur Pageant the children are going to give. BOB. Children's pageant? MRS. S. Yes, we thought it might be a good idea. Margaret suggested it. BOB. Then it's going to be all right. MRS. S. (Smiling and patting his arm) Aren't you a little prejudiced, Robert? BOB. Not at all! I know real beauty when I see it. MRS. S. But we weren't talking about my daugh- ter's looks. BOB. Well er you can't help it when you speak of Margaret. MRS. BASSETT. (Comes to the gate L.j Oh, Mrs. Schofield. MRS. S. So glad to see you, Mrs. Bassett. Won't you come in? MRS. B. Mr. Williams! No, thank you, I just ran down to the corner for some ruching for Geor- gie's costume you wanted him to dress, didn't you ? MRS. S. I think it would be best. MRS. B. Then I must hurry right along. The dear child is so eager to perform his part well. MRS. S. I wish I could say as much for Pen- rod! 14 PENROD MRS. B. Georgia is so artistic and his eye for color is wonderful. Even in a child. Well, about four-thirty you said. MRS. S. Yes, very informal, you know. MRS. B. I understand. Good afternoon. (She exits L.) BOB. Guess I'll run over to the Lanneys' after Margaret. MRS. S. Yes, do ! And is Penrod over at your house with Sam ? BOB. I didn't see him. Is Penrod in the Pageant ? MRS. S. Yes, he didn't seem to like the idea, but his father persuaded him. BOB. You're taking awful chances. MRS. S. Why, Bob? BOB. I I mean, I'm sure it will be very inter- esting. MRS. S. Mrs. Rewbush has done some remark- able work, they say. BOB. And Penrod's in it ! MRS. S. Penrod is Sir Launcelot du Lake, the gallant Knight. BOB. Sounds fine! MRS. S. I'm just finishing Penrod's costume. (Holds up red trunks.) BOB. Penrod going to wear that? MRS. S. Of course. BOB. I'm coming back to see it on him. MRS. S. Do ! BOB. Wouldn't miss it ! Seems to me it ought to be rather exciting. MRS. S. I don't see Why ! BOB. I may be wrong, but I feel that way. { Ex- its R.; ('DELL A enters at the kitchen door R.C.) MRS. S. Everything ready for our guests, Delia ? PENROD 15 BELLA. Well, ma'am, if ye'll take my advice ye'll serve out the cake quick an' not linger over it MRS. S. Why ? I told you to bake DELLA. Yis ma'am, I know ye did, an' I obeyed ye; there were four of the finest-looking cakes ye ever laid yer two eyes on MRS. S. Then what happened, Delia? BELLA. Penrod ! MRS. S. Penrod? DELLA. That same ! Sure an' he came into the kitchen an' declared he was perishin' from hunger an' only cake would save his life. MRS. S. But surely you didn't ? DELLA. Not me, ma'am. I stood guard over thim cakes an' then he says quick like, "Look be- hind you!" an' I did; an' when I turned back again, sure Penrod was gone an' so was a cake. MRS. S. Well, perhaps he was hungry, Delia. DELLA. Well, if he was, rest aisy, ma'am, sure he's not starvin' now wid all that cake inside of him. (She looks off L. then off R. and gives ar ejaculation.) MRS. S. Are you looking for something, Delia ? DELLA. Yis, please, ma'am, Jarge. MRS. S. Jarge? Oh, yes, the young man, your nephew, or something. DELLA. Yis ; sure an' I sent him for the ice cream an' he's been gone an hour or more. MRS. S. (As a tall young fellow enters at the gate L. with an ice-cream freezer in his hand) Isn't this Jarge now? DELLA. To be sure! (She meets JARGE c. and hits him a slap on his shoulder that swings h'.iu to R.C.J An' where were ye? Saints above! Don't ye know that there's lashings to do an' company comin' . . . JARGE. (Slozvly and seriously) There was a dog fight down the street an' I knew one of the dogs. 16 PENROD DELLA. Is that so? Well, get along into the kitchen now, or there'll be another fight, an* there'll be no dogs in it except you mind that! (JARGE exits at the kitchen door R.C. and BELLA turns to MRS. S.) Jarge is a great help entirely, ma'am, if ye keep a stick or a red-hot poker handy. (There is a crash in the kitchen) Lord above, there goes Jarge down the cellar stairs with the ice cream. What on earth is the matter with you, Jarge, are ye havin' a dog fight all by yourself ? (Exits at kitchen door.) ("MARGARET and MR. SCHOFIELD enter at gate L.) MARGARET. Oh, Papa, you are so absurd ! MR. SCHOFIELD. No, I'm not. When a fellow sits on my veranda with my daughter until after II o'clock, I want his pedigree. MARGARET. I'll tell you all about him some other time. Oh, Mamma, look ! (She holds up a sword, evidently belonging to a Knight of Pythias) I bor- rowed it for Penrod to wear in the pageant. MR. S. Is Penrod in the house, Mary? MRS. S. No, Henry, and he ought to be home. MR. S. Hiding, I'll bet a cooky. Well, we'll see (He goes up around the house, calling) Penrod ! Penrod ! MRS. S. (Taking the sword from MARGARET ) This ought to please 'him. I'm just finishing his costume. MARGARET. Mamma? MRS. S. Yes? MARGARET. You don't think Penrod will recog- nize the the things we've made for him, do you? MRS. S. Of course not, dear. MARGARET. But you know, Mamma, they were papa's old, red flannel under MRS. S. (Quickly. Holding up red trunks) PENROD 17 Hush-h-h! I've cut off the legs and hemmed the edges and just see the pretty gold stripe I'm sew- ing on them. MARGARET. If Penrod finds out, I know he'll do something terrible 'because you know how cross he always was when Delia hung them out on the clothes line. MRS. S. Nonsense, a boy would never recognize them. What makes you worry so, dear? MARGARET. Because I've had several painful ex- periences with that brother of mine and- and I've invited Mr. Dade this afternoon. MRS. S. Mr. Dade? Oh, yes, that nice young man you met at the church bazaar. MARGARET. Yes, he is >so handsome, and and dashing, just like those heroes you read about in novels. (She goes to the gate L.) MR. S. (Coming around the R. of the house) Penrod ? Where do you suppose that young imp is ? MRS. S. Henry! I don't think it's nice to speak of our son in that way. MR. S. Well, imp fits him! MRS. S. (Raises her eyes and sees the cash bag in his hand) Henry ! MR. S. Yes? MRS. S. You haven't brought home more money from the bank? MR. S. Yes! MRS. S. Now, Henry ! MR. S. Now, now, don't get excited. I 'have to be accommodating. Bert Ladewood telephoned he had to have two thousand dollars early to-morrow and couldn't get in before the bank closed. MRS. S. But you do it right along, Henry. MR. S. Got to Oblige old Bert, for the main 'and simple reason he's one of the First National's best customers. MRS. S. Well, do go and dress. 18 PENROD MR. S. Dress? What for? MRS. S. The new minister is coming. MR. S. I can be just as cordial in these clothes. MRS. S. Now, Henry ! MR. S. All right ! Come on and I'll spruce up, Mary. MRS. S. (Turns as they go up the veranda steps) Oh, Margaret, Robert Williams was here. MARGARET. (Turning at the gate Lj Indeed! And pray what did Mr. Williams want? MRS. S. (Smiling and nudging MR. SJ You principally ! MARGARET. Now, Mamma ! MR. S. Mr. Williams ! I thought you liked Bob, Margaret ? MARGARET. Oh, I do ! He's a nice boy ! MR. S. Boy ? Bob's at least two years older than you are. MARGARET. But he is so so immature! MR. S. So what ? MARGARET. So immature! Mr. Williams' out- look on life lacks breadth to me he is hopelessly bour-bourgeois. (She goes back to the gnte.) MR. S. Well, if Bob is as bad as that sounds I'll forbid him the place. (He turns to MRS. S.J What's got into her; do you know? MRS. S. Now Margaret is all right, Henry. MARGARET. (Waves her hand off L.) Oh, Mr. Dade! MR. S. What's that? MRS. S. {Meaningly) Mr. Dade! MR. S. Well, who's Mr. Dade? Ah, that's the fellow who was here the other night and sat on the veranda with her until after IT o'clock. MRS. S. Yes! MR. S. Well, I want to see this Dade party. MRS. S. Now, Henry HERBERT HAMILTON DADE. (Enters at the gate PENROD 19 L He is thirty, handsome, has an easy, man-of-the- world air) And the Princess stood in her garden, herself the fairest flower. MARGARET. (Girlishly pleased) Oh, Mr. Dade! DADE. Princess ! MR. S. Ah-h-h! (Growling.) DADE. Ah, good afternoon, Mrs. Schofield, Mr. Schofield. MRS. S. ^Rather nervously, as she watches her husband) Mr. Dade! MR. S. (Rather grimly) We were just speak- ing of you, Mr. Dade. DADE. Were you ? Something charming, I hope ? MR. S. Well, the fact is MRS. S. (Quickly and nervously) You must hurry and dress, Henry! You'll excuse us, Mr. Dade? DADE. Certainly ! I came early in case I might be of service with the dear children. MR. S. Yes, I thought the other night when I heard you on the veranda MRS. S. '(Cutting him short as she bundles him into the house) Oh, come along, Henry. You know you are so slow (The rest is last as she exits with him there, MR. S. still expostulating.) DADE. The veranda? What does he mean? MARGARET. (Nervously) Oh, nothing! It's very thoughtful of you, Mr. Dade. DADE. Not at all, Princess. Really, you know, my business affairs are so pressing, just now, I shouldn't be 'here this afternoon. MARGARET. Then why do you come? DADE. (Fervently) You are here! MARGARET. Oh, Mr. Dade! DADE. No, it's the truth. Strange how some women have the subtle power to draw men after them. MARGARET. You don't mean that I am like that ? ao PENROD DADE. I do, Princess ; else why am I here now ? MARGARET. Why, I never thought of such a thing! DADE. That's your wonderful charm ! (Moving to c. thoughtfully) Do you know, you remind me so much of a girl I used to know in Constantinople. MARGARET. (Breathlessly) Where ? DADE. In Constantinople I lived there for a while. MARGARET. You did? DADE. Oh, yes. But I soon tired of the conti- nent, just as I do now of London, New York, Wash- ington a place like this is more restful. MARGARET. Restful ? I'm afraid it's pretty slow. DADE. Not when you are here, Princess. MARGARET. I don't see what I have to do with it. DADE. That's because you can't see yourself. I came up the street just now, life seemed flat, stale, a bore, then suddenly, everything was transformed just because I saw you standing here, calling to me. MARGARET. Oh! You do say nice things. DADE. (Very ardently) And I mean them, Prin- cess I want to tell you (He pauses for PEN- ROD enters R., whittling on a wooden revolver.) MARGARET. Yes, Mr. Dade ? DADE. (Sees PENRODJ Ahem m! MARGARET. (R.C. Turns and sees PENROD,) Penrod ! PENROD. Yep! (R.; MARGARET. Mamma was looking for you, where have you been? PENROD. Me ? MARGARET. Yes, you! PENROD. Oh, just around. MARGARET. Around where? PENROD. Just around ! PENROD 21 MARGARET. You'd better go into the house and get ready for this afternoon. (Puts PENROD to c.) BADE. Yes, it is getting late. PENROD. Oh, I guess there's plenty of time. MARGARET. This is my brother, Penrod, Mr. Dade. BADE. Glad to know you, little gentleman. (TEN- ROD looks up at him very resentfully.) MARGARET. Say you're pleased to meet Mr. Bade! PENROD. I'm not a little gentleman. MARGARET. Say it ! PENROD. (Gruffly) Pleased to meet cha ! MARGARET. Oh ! BADE. And what is our little gentleman making ? PENROD. Nurhin' ! MARGARET. Penrod ! BADE. How curious to make nothing. (He exits with MARGARET around the house R.) SAM. (Off i.) Wee-oh-kee! PENROD. Wee-oh-kee ! SAM. (Enters L. on a boy's pushmobile) 'Lo, Penrod! PENROD. 'Lo, Sam! (Sits on veranda.) SAM. What's come of your ole dog, Buke? (Sits beside PENROD .) PENROD. Aw, they made me tie him up in the barn, 'count of the minister's coming to hear some of this ole pageant. SAM. Bid you know they was goin* to dress us up for the pageant an' to see the minister ? PENROD. Who said so ? SAM. I heard Bob tell my ma so. PENROD. Then I'd just about as lief go an* jump into the river, Sam. SAM. That's how I feel 'bout it ; an' Georgie Bas- sett says he dearly loves to be in the ole pagunt. 22 PENROD PENROD. I know. Georgie Bassett likes to be called a little gentleman, too. SAM. Well, nobody better call me that. I wouldn't let the President of the United States call me a little gentleman. PENROD. Someone did call me one an' I'll show 'em. SAM. Where were you all afternoon? PENROD. To the movin' pitchers. SAM. Whyn't you come after me? PENROD. I only had six cents. SAM. What was the pitcher about? PENROD. George B. Jashber. SAM. Who was he? PENROD. George B. Jashber was the finest de- tecative I ever saw in all the pitchers I ever saw. He had a whole gang of detecatifs under him as sus- sistanrs. SAM. What are sussistants? PENROD. Men that helped him out the best one was named Tabber; an' every time the old crooks would get the folks to sign the ole papers or steal their money why, George B. Jashber would follow 'em all over an' everywhere an' arrest 'em. SAM. Penrod, let's us be detecatifs an' have an office an* everythin', like the pitcher's. PENROD. We can't do anythin' 'til this ole pagunt is over ; it takes up all our time. SAM. (Gloomily) I guess that's so ! PENROD. If anythin' was to bust up the ole pagunt, then we could. SAM. You mean if something was to bust up the pagunt we could start right in ? PENROD. Yes, sir, an* maybe I can think of somep'n that'll bust up the pagunt. SAM. I'll help bust it if I can. PENROD. Then all we'll have to do is to pick out some ole crook an' go after 'em. PENROD 23 SAM. Who'll we pick out for our ole crook? PENROD. I don't know yet, Sam, but we want a good one; an' then I'll just draw my attermatick on 'em. SAM. What's an attermatick? PENROD. A revolver! SAM. Oh, my pa's got one. PENROD. An' I'm makin' an attermatick now. SAM. Are you? PENROD. Yes, sir, an' when she's finished, you'd better be careful, 'cause I shoot on sight Bing ! SAM. I'm dead! (Falls back on the veranda.) MRS. S. (In the house c.) Penrod ! SAM. That's your mother! PENROD. I guess I know that ; don't I ? MRS. S. (In the house) Penrod! (Nearer) Penrod Schofidd! SAM. She's comin' ! Look out. (Ex-its R. on pushmobile. PENROD, at the same time, crawls under vines L. of veranda. As he does so MRS. SCHOFIELD appears at the door c.) MRS. S'. Penrod why, that's strange ! MR. S. (Enters on veranda, putting on his coat) What's strange? MRS. S. Delia said she saw Penrod in the side yard. MR. S. Penrod? I'm not talking about Penrod. You always try to evade when I ask questions about young men. MRS. S. Well, you always take the most foolish prejudices against every new young man that comes to see Margaret. Now it's Mr. Dade. MR. S. Well, I only want to know who he is. MRS. S. Who he is ? Why, he's a pleasant young man. He has nice manners MR. S. Anybody am have them. I knew a horse thief once that had beautiful manners. 24 PENROD MRS. S. Henry, why bother so about Mr. Dade ? He seems a very polished young man. MR. S. (Stubbornly) That's the main an' sim- ple reason that I MRS. S. Why, Margaret met Mr. Dade at church. MR. S. That doesn't mean anything; this horse thief I used to know went to church regularly. MRS. S. Henry, you're funny! MR. S. Just for the main and simple reason I have a right to be. Where does Mr. Dade live in town? MRS. S. I don't know. MR. S. Know what business this Dade is in ? MRS. S. No. MR. S. There! MRS. S. Oh, of course, you are undoubtedly right, and I agree with you. Mr. Dade is a 'horse thief! MR. S. Of course he's a horse thief. I can tell them a mile off (MRS. S. exits with him c. into house.) PENROD. Mr. Dade is a horse thief ! Whee ! DELLA. (Heard in the kitchen) For the Lord's sake, Jarge, get on out o' that and let me get on with me work. . . . You're a perfect nuisance. . . . JARGE. (Coming through the door, mumbling) Well, I'm goin' if you'll only give me a little time. . . . Hullo, Penrod. fPENROD takes no notice of JARGE, in fact, he does not hear him, for his young mind is grappling with the weighty problem, how to save the community from this horse thief, DADE. Both his small hands are clenched upon his knees and his face wears a frown of deep abstraction. JARGE, rather impressed, in his slow way, by PEN- ROD'S manner, goes towards him and stands there gazing down at him) Nice day for the rehearsal. PENROD 25 PENROD. (Aware of JARGE'S presence) 'Lo, JARGE. 'Lo! Say, what you settin' out here all by yourself for, this way? PENROD. For the main and simple reason, large, I'm thinkin' 'bout something. JARGE. Ye don't say ! PENROD. Jarge, you travel 'round a good deal, don't you ? JARGE. You bet. I've seen a lot of this world I have. Used to work in a livery stable. PENROD. Say, did you ever see a detecatif ? JARGE. Why, I'm one. PENROD. (With an electric start, comes to his feet and gazes at JARGE with thrilling interest) What? JARGE. Huh? PENROD. (Swallowing deeply in his growing ex- citement) Jarge ? JARGE. Yep ? PENROD. What'd you say? JARGE. When ? PENROD. What'd you say, when you said what you did say, just then. JARGE. I s'aid I guess I'm sort of a detective. PENROD. My goodness, Jarge, don't you know whether you're one or not ? JARGE. Well, ye see, it's this way, Penrod. PENROD. Yep ! JARGE. (Both sit on veranda) 'Bout a year ago, or so, I see a piece in the paper what says you send three dollars to somewhere I forget in Wiscon- sin sender would receive a silver badge, a certifi- cate an' an' a book tellin' how to detect. PENROD. (More and more excited) Yes, Jarge. JARGE. Well, I happened to have plenty of money at the time, 'bout seventeen dollars, so I sez, "Why not take a little gamble ?" 26 PENROD PENROD. Did you do it, Jarge? JARGE. Certain sure ! Sent 'em the three dollars, just like that. (Illustrates with a careless, spend- thrift gesture.) PENROD. And did you get the things, Jarge ; the badge and JARGE. Sure did ! PENROD. And then what did you do ? JARGE. Nothin'. PENROD. Nothing, Jarge? JARGE. Not a single thing. I couldn't make any- thing out of the book an' all the stuff it had *bout shadowin* fellers PENROD. Shadowin' ! JARGE. That means follerin' crooks an* seeing where they go an' where they live. PENROD. Oh ! JARGE. An' Mis* Kalem where I board, burnt up the certifycate. Wish I had my three dollars 'back. (Rises and is going L.) PENROD. (As an idea strikes him) Jarge? JARGE. (Turning to him) Yep? PENROD. What became of the silver badge? JARGE. Oh, I got that still somewheres. PENROD. (Swallowing in his excitement) Jarge, what'll you take for it? JARGE. Twenty-five cents. PENROD. I'll give it to you, money down. JARGE. I s'pose you got the money, hain't you? PENROD. Well, have you got the badge? JARGE. Well, not with me. PENROD. You bring me that badge and I'll have twenty-five cents ready for you right in this 'hand, money down. (He shows JARGE his right hand.) JARGE. All right, Penrod! PENROD. You go get it now. JARGE. All right, then I won't be out only two PENROD 27 dollars an' seventy-five cents. (He exits L. up around the house.) ('PENROD flips open his coat and reflectively rubs the exact spot on his L. breast where he proposes to pin the silver badge.) MARGARET. {Enters L. with MR. DADE) Really, I'm afraid you're a terrible tease, Mr. Dade ! PENROD. (At the sound of DADE'S name, starts violently, and then throws himself flat on the ground and crawls to the shelter of a rosebush that grows at the corner of the veranda) Horse thief ! DADE. I'm only telling you the truth about your charming self. MRS. S. (In house) Penrod Penrod, where are you? MARGARET. I must go in and help Mamma. DADE. You take the sunshine with you. MARGARET. You do say the prettiest things, Mr. Dade. (As she runs up the steps of the house, PEN- ROD sneezes behind the rosebush) Penrod, what are you doing there? PENROD. (Pretending to search for something) I lost something. MARGARET. You go into the house this minute, Mamma is waiting for you. PENROD. Well, I got to look for what I lost; haven't I? MARGARET. You march ! (Puts PENROD to c.) MRS. S. (Enters from- the house) Come, Pen- rod, come, it's time to dress for the rehearsal. PENROD. Oh, Mamma, I don't want to. I got things I got to do. MRS. S. Why, you haven't anything to do ! PENROD. Yes, I have, too ! I got some business that's pretty important. 28 PENROD DADE. Pretty important, what like, little gentle- man? PENROD. (Glaring at him) You'll see soon enough. MARGARET. Georgie Bassett wouldn't go on like that. PENROD. Oh, Georgie Bassett -the little gentle- man? MRS. S. (Taking him into the house) You come right along now, Penrod ! PENROD. (Hanging back as he goes) I guess if you knew what I gotter do, you wouldn't make me dress up for this ole pagunt. (He exits with MRS. SCHOFIELD into the house.) MARGARET. You'll excuse me, Mr. Dade? DADE. Most unwillingly, Princess. MARGARET. You know Sir Lancelot must be dressed in his knightly garb. (She exits into the house now, as DADE starts to go R.) TIM. (Enters there and they narrowly escape a collision) Excuse me ! DADE. Oh, no harm done! Wait a minute, I think I remember you. Weren't you in Des Moines about two years ago? TIM. No, you got me wrong, Mister! DADE. Yes, you were! I remember now. You got into some trouble there. TIM. Hold on! DADE. You were accused of breaking into a house and robbing it ! TIM. Listen! Must you tell the whole town? That was a mistake. DADE. What are you doing here? TIM. Working for Burns, the carpenter, and I'm going straight. Dade. How do I know that? You may have designs on Mr. Schofield's house. I think I should PENROD 39 tell them about your record. (Starts up veranda steps c.) TIM. Yes ? Well, I wouldn't if I were you, Mr. Dade. BADE. I see you know me. TIM. You bet that's the reason why I advise you to go slow on your holler about me. DADE. You presume, my man! TIM. Oh, no, I don't. There's all sorts of ways to get the coin, you know. Some 'smart fellers go to work and form companies and DADE. Shut up! TIM. Just as you say, Mr. Dade! But, how about that holler you were going to make, eh ? DADE. Why why I have no desire to be harsh, my dear fellow. TIM. No? Well, that's mighty nice of you. DADE. You say you are going straight and I be- lieve you. TIM. All right! Stroll on down to the corner an' let's talk it over, Mr. Dade. (He goes to the gate^L.) Yes? DADE. I'll be right along! TIM. Do! I'll be waiting there for you. (He exits at the gate L.) (L)ADE pauses a moment, then, with an impatient shake of his head, starts to ~L.) ^ MARGARET. (Enters from the house) Getting tired of waiting for me, Mr. Dade? DADE. The true knight waits for his Princess forever ! MARGARET. We are having quite a little trouble with a true knight in here. Sir Launcelot Du Lake doesn't seem to like his costume. DADE. Little brother objects? MARGARET. Obj ects ? 3 o PENROD PENROD. (Is heard from a distant part of the house, his voice raised in a wail of agony) Well, I guess I don't want to make a fool of myself before everybody, do I ? I won't put 'em on I won't put 'em on ! (He enters at the door c., half undressed.} (DADE catches PENROD and puts him on veranda.) MRS. S. (Holding him by the arm) Penrod, lis- ten to me. Papa has sent you this nice new quarter, if you will be a good boy and dress for the pageant. PENROD. A quarter! (PENROD gets money in right hand starts^ to run. MRS. SCHOFIELD and MARGARET grab him.) MRS. S. Penrod, don't do that ! Now, will you be a nice, good boy and dress for the pageant? PENROD. All right but I know 'em, they're sis- ter Margaret's old stockings. MARGARET. Goodness! (She exits into the house.) (MRS. SCHOFIELD drags PENROD off c. into house.) BOB. (Enters R.) Margaret! (He takes her handkerchief and kisses it passionately, murmuring "Margaret!" "Oh, Margaret!") (DADE comes over from L., smiling.) DADE. Mr. Robert Williams, isn't it? BOB. (Confused) It is. DADE. (Amused) Yes, I thought so. BOB. (Rather grimly) But I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of meeting you, Mr. DADE. Dade, Mr. Williams, Herbert Hamilton Dade, a newcomer. BOB. Yes? Oh, I suppose you are calling on Mr. and Mrs. Schofield. DADE. (Laughing) No. I'm not calling on Mr. and Mrs. Schofield Miss Schofield I've often heard her speak of you. PENROD 31 BOB. No doubt. Margaret and I have known each other since we were children. DADE. How delightful! You must fed quite like sister and brother. BOB. (Resentfully) No, we don't. DADE. No? Miss Schofield always speaks of you in a very sisterly way. BOB. Does she? DADE. Quite so! BOB. Er how long have you been here, Mr. Dade? DADE. (Smiling) Three weeks. Yes, and every- body has been charming to me. BOB. Everybody has? DADE. Yes, especially Miss Schofield ! Of course, a newcomer has the advantage of being a novelty. BOB. I suppose that is an advantage. I presume you're here on a visit, Mr. Dade? DADE. Not at all. Business, Mr. Williams. (Moving away towards "L.) BOB. Indeed ! DADE. Fact is, I expect to remain here quite a while. In a few days now, I shall be in a position to make my plans public. (He looks at his watch.) (MARGARET enters at the front door c. and runs down the steps.) MARGARET. (Running on) Well, I'm free at last, Mr. Dade, to DADE. (At gate L.J Excuse me, but I think Mr. Robert Williams would like to speak with you. (Exits Lj MARGARET. (Turning quickly) Why Robert! BOB. (Rather taken aback, for her manner is a trifle cool) Margaret, aren't you glad to see me? MARGARET. (Somewhat confused) Of course I am. (Shakes hands, then perceptibly draws her hand away and looks in DADE'S direction.) 32 PENROD BOB. You don't seem so. MARGARET. Well, I am, just the same. BOB. It's been three months since I saw you. MARGARET. You say three months as though they were a lifetime. (Crosses to R.cJ BOB. They've been more than that to me. MARGARET. Are you coming to the rehearsal of the children's pageant? BOB. Please don't try to change the subject. Why didn't you write me this last term? MARGARET. Why, Bob Williams, I did. BOB. When I went back to college after Easter, yes. MARGARET. Three times a week. BOB. Yes, 'at first and then twice a week, and then once a week, and not even once for the past three weeks. MARGARET. Well, I was busy. And there wasn't anything to write about. BOB. You didn't want to write to me. MARGARET. Yes, I did, but BOB. But you didn't. I sat up there in my lonely room, day after day, waiting, listening for the post- man's whistle and he passed by my door every time. MARGARET. Oh, don't talk like a boy. BOB. Boy! I'm no longer a boy, Margaret. Suffering has made me a man. Why, when I got here you weren't even at 'home. You might have waited for me. MARGARET. Well, I'm here now, and I'm glad to see you. BOB. You don't even look at me. MARGARET. Good heavens, Bob, I've troubles enough without your questioning me. BOB. Margaret, has your heart changed in these three terrible months of absence ? MARGARET. My heart is in my mouth, just now, PENROD 33 over Penrod and how he is going to behave at the dress rehearsal. BOB. You think of trifles MARGARET. It isn't a trifle to have Penrod for a brother. (The murmur of voices is heard off L. coming nearer) There ! They're coming, do try to act sensibly. (She exits into the house c., as BOB starts to follow.) MRS. WILLIAMS. (Is heard calling off R.) Rob- ert ! Oh, Robert ! BOB. (Goes to R.) Here I am, Mother. MRS. W. (Off R.) I wish you'd come and get Sam. BOB. All right, Mother ! (As he starts to go R .) MR. JONES. (Enters with MARJORIE L. MAR- JORIE in costume) Why, hello, Bob. BOB. How do, Mr. Jones. What are you dressed up for, Marjorie? MARJORIE. I am Queen Ginny-Ginny-wear ! Do you like my dress? BOB. It's bully, Marjorie. MRS. W. (Off Rj Bob, cdme and get Sam ! BOB. All right! Excuse me, but I guess that brother of mine is 'making trouble. {He exits R.) MRS. S. (Enters from the house c.) Ah, Mr. Jones and Marjorie, dear. MR. JONES. Well, we're here. Why, what's the matter ? MRS. S. Penrod! MR. JONES. I knew it ! MRS. S. In all my experience with th'at.child, Mr. Jones, I have never seen him in such a state. ( BOB enters from R., lugging SAM in costume.) MR. JONES. Hello. MRS. S. Robert! BOB. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you 34 PENROD King Arthur, otherwise known as Sam Williams! (SAM makes a desperate lunge and almost gets away) No, you don't, Sam! MRS. B. (Enters at the gate L. with GEORGIE in costume) Are we late? MRS. S. Not at all. Doesn't Georgie look beau- tiful? GEORGIE. Thank you, Mrs. Schofield, I shall try to do my best. MRS. B. Isn't that sweet of him? MR. S. {Enters from the house c., dragging PEN- ROD, who is in costume) Good afternoon, every- body. I have brought Sir Launcelot du Lake. MRS. S. I don't see why you make such a fuss about being in the pageant, Penrod. (There is a pause) GEORGIE. (Brightly) I just love to be in it. MR. S. There'! ( PENROD and SAM regard GEORGIE with hostile looks.) MRS. S. How sweet of Georgie! MRS. B. (Fussing with GEORGIE,) Georgie is al- ways a little gentleman. ('SAM and PENROD both start convulsively) Now, Georgie, tell them what you said to Mamma at lunch time why you want to be in the pageant. GEORGIE. I want to be in the pageant, because I feel I can have a good influence over Penrod and the other children. (PENROD and SAM start to lay violent hands on GEORGIE.J MRS. S. Penrod ! BOB. Sam ! MR. S. Behave ! (Dragging PENROD up on ver- anda c.) PENROD 35 BOB. Keep still ! DADE. (Enters at the gate L.) Not late, am I? MRS. S. No, Mr. Bade. I believe you know everybody. DADE. (Bowing) Ah, yes, everyone, including our little gentlemen. (He is between PENROD and MRS. SCHOFIELD L.C. ) MR. S. Penrod ! BOB. Sam ! MRS. S. Oh, dear, what 'has got into you, Pen- rod? DADE. He's only a trifle nervous, aren't you, lit- tle gentleman? ^PENROD mumbles something.) DADE. What is it, little gentleman? (He bends nearer) Eh ? PENROD. Horse thief ! MR. S. What in thunder does he mean by horse thief? DADE. Some childish game, I suppose. MARGARET. (Enters from the house c.) Mrs. Revvbush 'and the Reverend Kinosling are in the parlor. MRS. S. Oh, then come in! (She goes into the house with MR. JONES, MARJORIE and MRS. BAS- SETTj (Bos starts for MARGARET, but DADE gets there ahead of him.) MR. S. (To PENROD J Now you behave re- member! Bob, if I had one more boy like Penrod, they'd have me in the asylum; I'm halfway there now. (He exits into the house c. with BOB. There is a pause.) PENROD. Don't I look awful, Sam? SAM. Yep ! 36 PENROD PENROD. So do you ! SAM. I feel awful ! PENROD. So do I ! They made me put on Mar- garet's old stockings. JARGE. (Enters L.) Well, I got the detecative badge for you, Penrod ! PENROD. Here's your quarter, Jarge. (JARGE begins to laugh and backs around to R.cJ PENROD. Say, what you laughin' at, I'd like to know? JARGE. I'm a-laughin' at at you. PENROD. Well, you just better stop it ! JARGE. I can't! DELLA. (Enters at the kitchen door) Come on, Jarge. Well, what's the matter with you ? JARGE. (R.) Look at 'em. DELLA. (R.) Mother o' Moses ain't they comical ? Look at the fireman's pants he has on him! (She roars with laughter, and goes into the kitchen with JARGE.) PENROD. It's getting worse and worse. Sam I wonder if the minister will laugh at us? SAM. I bet he will. PENROD. Know what I'd like to do ? SAM. What? PENROD. Take that ole hornet's nest under the veranda an' just throw it at 'em ! Ah ! SAM. What is it? PENROD. I know what they were laughin' at. SAM. What? PENROD. I've got on papa's old red flannel under- clothes. SAM. No! PENROD. Yes, sir. I know 'em ! SAM. Gorry ! PENROD. Now I will bust up the old pagunt ! PENROD 37 SAM. How can you ? PENROD. I'll do it somehow. Why, we gotter, Sam, here's our ole crook runnin' around. SAM. Who's he? PENROD. Hush ! Dade. SAM. Is Mr. Dade a crook? PENROD. He's a horse thief. I heard papa an' mamma say so. SAM. Then we gotter f oiler him. PENROD. But we gotter bust up this ole pagunt first. REVEREND KINOSLING. (Enters from the house c.) No. Pray do not disturb yourselves. I de- sire only to breathe the balmy air, and inhale the sweet odors of your charming garden. PENROD. The minister! KINOSLING. Ah 'what have we here? Two gallant little gentlemen, which of you is Penrod? PENROD. I am! KINOSLING. Ah, yes, a sturdy little gentleman awaitin' the time when you are to entertain us, I suppose. PENROD. Yes, sir. KINOSLING. That is well! Ah youth, youth, it is the time for sports, for gaiety and mirth and are you a good boy, little gentleman ? PENROD. Nope ! KINOSLING. Ah, that is sad. But you are not a bad boy, are you ? PENROD. I know a bad boy. KINOSLING. Do you, indeed ? Veiy bad ? PENROD. Awful! You want to know what he did? KINOSLING. If you care to tell me. (Sits in chair L. of veranda.) PENROD. Well, there was a man came to his house he didn't like, a man somep'm like you, who called him names. 38 PENROD KINOSLING. Dear dear ! PENROD. So this bad boy he goes to work an' tells another bad boy, a friend of his KINOSLING. Yes ? PENROD. He says : "Wee-oh-kee " REV. KINOSLING. Dear, dear, was that the bad boy's name? PENROD. Nope ! But he knew what it meant. He said: "Wee-oh-kee. You get a long stick an' poke at that hornet's nest that's right behind the man" (SAM gets a long stick) "It's over this way," he says, "a little more this way. Perhaps a little higher, or lower, you keep trying until you hit it." (SAM does exactly as PENROD says, poking with a long stick under the veranda behind the REV. KlNOSLING.J KINOSLING. (Laughing) Shocking! And did the bad boy succeed? (SAM throws down the stick in disgust.) PENROD. No, sir ; he didn't do anything at all. KINOSLING. I am glad of that! (The shadows have lengthened as the afternoon has advanced. Now directly back of REV. KINOS- LING, the hornets are seen to come through the cracks of the veranda floor.) MR. S. (Enters from the house c.) Well, I think we're ready, Mr. Kinosling. (A hornet gets him) Oh ! damn it ! KINOSLING. Mr. Sdhofield ! (A hornet hits him) Oh, my God ! MRS. S. (Entering) Mr. Kinosling. (A hor- net hits her) Oh ! DELLA. (Enters) Mrs. Schpfield! (A hornet hits her, she yells) Murder, police ! PENROD 39 (MRS. BASSETT, GEORGIE, MR. JONES, JARGE, all en- ter and get into the hornets. They yell and fight them off. BOB, MARGARET, and DADE enter, all are stung. All yell and fight the hornets. PEN- ROD and SAM escape. They have tanen refuge under the rosebushes L.C. Two or three cur- tains, then the last one, DADE alone, going off L. PENROD shows SAM the badge and points to DADE as they follow him.) CURTAIN ACT II SCENE: Same as Act 1st. DISCOVERED : As the curtain rises it is four o'clock on a fair June afternoon and MR. SCHOFIELD is sitting in a chair on veranda, engaged in reading the afternoon paper, while MRS. SCHOFIELD is pruning busily among the flowers R.c. The afternoon sunlight floods the street at the back. MRS. SCHOFIELD. I must try and pay more at- tention to my garden ; it's a shame to let the weeds creep in like this. MR. SCHOFIELD. I wouldn't worry about the garden, Mary. We've got a greater problem staring us in the face. ( BELLA READY) MRS. S. What, Henry? MR. S. Penrod. That little circus of his at the rehearsal of the pageant is all over town. MRS. S. Oh, no ! MR. S. I heard it about thirty times to-day at the bank, and the Sentinel has an article about it. "Sir Launcelot du Lake on the Riot." (He shows MRS. S. the paper.) MRS. S. "Sir Launcelot du Lake on the Riot." Oh, dear! MR. S. And you haven't heard from Mrs. Rew- bush since, have you ? MRS. S. No, I haven't. fDADE READY) MR. S. I judge she hasn't recovered from the crimp Penrod put in her art. 4P PENROD 41 MRS. S. You know she gave up the pageant really one can't blame her for being cross. BELLA. (Enters from the house kitchen door R.C. with a letter) If you please, ma'am ! MRS. S. Thank you, Delia. (She takes the let- ter and reads) "Mr. and Mrs. Schofield and Fam- ily!" (She opens the letter. BELLA goes down R. and e.vits below the house) Oh ! MR. S. What is it, Mary? MRS. S. (Reads) "Mr. and Mrs. Trimble re- quest the pleasure of your company on Tuesday evening, June 27th, at nine o'clock." Trimble? MR. S. They're the new people who bought the Thompson place and spent so much money fixing it up. MRS. S. Of course ! I remember now. Should we go, Henry ? MR. S. I am gratified to know that we are still invited anywhere. Yes, let's go. HERBERT HAMILTON BADE. (Enters L. at gate) Mrs. Schofield! ( SCHOFIELD nods to BADE and goes into house doesn't like him.) MRS. S. Mr. Bade! BADE. And where is our Princess to-day? ('PENROD READY) MRS. S. Oh, Margaret, she's not here, Mr. Bade ! (She turns to BELLA, who enters R., followed by TIM with some rugs over his arm) Bella, did Miss Margaret say where she was going? BELLA. Over to Mrs. Clarkson's on Maple Ave- nue, to the Bainty Class, ma'am. BADE. Bainty class? BELLA. Yis, sor. Bainty, the feller that wrote a book about the place down there that Father Ryan says we shouldn't be mentioning. (She turns to 42 PENROD TIM,) Come on, Tim, wid those rugs. You're slower than me sister Katy. (She exits into the house kitchen door, followed by TiMj MRS. S. Delia means Dante, I suppose. DADE. Then I won't come in, thank you. Warm to-day, isn't it? (He lifts his hat and moves off L., swinging his cane. As MRS. SCHOFIELD moves down R.C. SCHOFIELD returns on porch.) (PENROD worms himself through a hole in the hedge down L. and moves crouching along to where he disappears, evidently shadowing DADE.J MR. S. (Just in time to see PENROD, makes a dash for him, but PENROD escapes L.) Will you kindly tell me what's got into Penrod ? MRS. S. He does seem rather nervous to me. MR. S. Well, you ought to know what ails 'him ; he takes after your side of the family. MRS. S. Henry! (ROBERT READY) MR. S. There's hardly a trace of the Schofields about him. MRS. S. Ought we take him to the Trimble party? It says: and Family. MR. S. Not unless you want to ruin the party, Mary. What's the idea of this Dade fellow hanging around here? MRS. S. Oh, are you still harping on Dade? MR. S. Yes, for the main and simple reason I don't know him. He was in at the bank to-day but I was busy and didn't see him. (TiM enters from the kitchen and exits around the house, whist- ling and looking at the upper windows of the house) Who's that fellow I see around here so much lately ? MRS. S. Tim? Why, he worked for Mr. Burns, the day of the pageant, and seems to have struck up PENROD 43 a great friendship with Delia. You are so unreason- able about people, Henry. MR. S. I only want to know who people are and where they come from, especially Dade. MRS. S. Hush! MR. S. Huh? (MRS. SCHOFIELD points to where BOB WILLIAMS has entered at gate L. BOB'S head is thrust forward aggressively and his face wears a look of stern determination; his hands are thrust deep into his pockets) Oh, hello, Bob ! BOB. (Very dignified) Good afternoon, Mrs. Schofield ! Mr. Schofield, could I see you for a mo- ment, sir? MR. S. (Rather surprised at BOB'S formal tone) Why, yes, Bob ! (He comes down the veranda steps) BOB. You'll pardon me, Mrs. Schofield, but this is most important. MRS. S. Of course, Robert. (She exits into the house.) MR. S. All right, Bob. BOB. (His courage a little shaken) Have have a cigar, sir ! MR. S. (Taking it) Why, yes, thank you ! < BOB. A light ! (He scratches a match and lights the cigar.) MR. S. Thanks ! (He puffs a moment) A good cigar, Bob ! BOB. I hope so, sir. MR. S. Yep! Well now what do you want? BOB. (Taken aback) Want, sir? MR. S. Of course! What do you want of me? BOB. Don't be so 'suspicious ! MR. S. Suspicious ! Bob when a youngster like you gives me a cigar and lights it for me, I know darned well he wants something so let's have it. BOB. Ahem ! MR. S. Yes, Bob? 44 PENROD BOB. Mr. Schofield, you "have known me MR. S. Ever since you were as tough as your little brother Sam is now. BOB. Have you any objection to me as a son-in- law? MR. S. What? (He starts, nearly drops his cigar, coughs, splutters. Clings weakly to a veranda pillar) What are you talking about ? BOB. I'm nineteen years old, free, white stood fairly well in my class have no bad habits good health like to work 'and Judge Beamish is going to take me into his law office. How about me, sir? MR. S. Bob, you ought to give a man warning before you jump him like this. BOB. Please don't joke about it, Mr. Schofield. MR. S. I assure you it's no joke to me. Of course you mean Margaret. BOB. Mr. Schofield, my career means nothing to me without Margaret. MR. S. Your career? BOB. What would 'any triumph in the Law be to me without her at my side to share it what would I care for clients and juries and judges and plain- tiffs and and parties of the first part and habeas corpuses (Backs SCHOFIELD up against post on porch.) MR. S. For the love of Pete Bob ! BOB. I love her ! She's my world she's MR. S. Hold on, wait ! You're nineteen, you said? BOB. Nearly twenty MR. S. Well, don't you think you're looking ahead rather far, Bob? BOB. (Firmly) No ! I know who I want to be the mother of my sons ! MR. S. (Feebly) Mother of your sons? You do! (He sits on the chair on veranda.) PENROD 45 BOB. And I am doing as I would be done by. MR. S. How's that? BOB. When the years have rolled on, Mr. Scho- field, and you have passed away MR. S. (Springing up) Wait a minute, Bob - BOB. And it comes my turn to give my consent to what you're consenting to with me, at this mo- ment MR.S. Ami? (MRS. S. READY) BOB. I should wish that young man to address himself to me, first of all. MR. S. I see. Strikes me you're about thirty years ahead of this moment, Bob, and still going. BOB. (Firmly) I believe that is the only way to achieve success. MR. S. Seems to me you've already given your- self my consent. BOB. Have you any objection to me? MR. S. None in the world. BOB. Thank you, sir! MR. S. (Shaking hands) Go in and win, Bob, and incidentally, that will put a crimp in this Mr. Dade fellow for me. (MRS. SCHOFIELD enters from house.) BOB. Mr. Schofield, my duty is quite clear. I will save Margaret! Good afternoon! (He exits along the lawn and out the front gate, very dramatic- ally.) (MR. SCHOFIELD watches BOB, then he laughs.) MRS. S. Save Margaret? Henry! What did Bob mean by that ? MR. S. He he 46 PENROD (Tries to tell her of his interview with BOB, but goes off into another roar of laughter.) MRS. S. Henry Schofield! (SAM READY) MR. S. Yes, my dear. MRS. S. What is the matter with you ? MR. S. The rising generation has just exploded right here on our lawn. MRS. S. What are you talking about? MR. S. WTien the years have rolled on, Mrs. Schofield, and the party of the first part has passed away, what would you care for the Plaintiff, or Judges, or Juries, or even the Habeas Corpus, what would you? MRS. S. You're crazy ! MR. S. No. But I expect Bob's threatened ! MRS. S. What about? MR. S. Margaret! MRS. S. No? MR. S. Yes. Mr. Robert Williams has just made a formal request for our daughter's hand in marriage. MRS. S. Well, really, I don't know what we're coming to. MR. S. Bob is quite sure lie knows. (He roars with laughter.) MRS. S. Hush, Henry ! The neighbors will hear you. (SAM WILLIAMS yodels "Wee-oh-kee" as he enters.) Oh, do be quiet, Henry ! Hush-h ! MR. S. What's the matter? MRS. S. Why, Sam, dear, are you looking for Penrod ? SAM. Yes'm! MR. S. Hello, Sam. What mischief are you up to now? SAM. I haven't done anything, Mr. Schofield ! PENROD 47 MR. S. Not yet, I suppose, but 111 bet you're willing. fPENROD READY) SAM. Sir? MR. S. Sam, you haven't any weighty communi- cation to lay before me, eh ? SAM. I don't know what you mean. MR. S. You haven't picked out the party of the first part, have you? MRS. S. Henry! (She yanks him towards the house, quickly) You come into the house. (Then over her shoulder as she urges her husband that way) Don't mind Mr. Schofield, Sam; he's only joking with you ! MR. S. When the years have rolled on, Sam, and the party of the first part has confessed . . . MRS. S. Come, Henry. (Draws MR. SCHOFIELD into the house.) (MR. and MRS. SCHOFIELD exit into the house, R.C. SAM stands for a moment, looking after them.) PENROD. (In the distance off L., very faintly) Wee-oh-kee ! (SAM pricks up his ears and listens. Off L. and a little nearer) Wee-oh-kee! (SAM at once bustles over to the barn R., opens the door, showing the GEORGE B. JASHBER sign brings out the wheelbarrow desk and puts the small box be- hind it. PENROD enters quickly around the corner of the house half crouching his automatic in his hand then he takes cover behind one of the veranda posts in the most approved gunman style and utters a sharp exclamation) Hah! SAM. Well PENROD. (Sharply and very dramatically) Quiet ! Tabber! SAM. What is it? PENROD. Hush ! Crooks ! 48 PENROD SAM. Crooks. PENROD. Four of 'em ; I shot two and hit an- other in the leg. Part of Bade'* fang of horse thieves and SAM. Yes? PENROD. There's the other creepin* up on us; see him? SAM. No. PENROD. Yes, you do ; over there by that bush ! (He takes careful aim and fires) Bing ! (He comes from behind the veranda pillar ivith a satisfied smile) I got him ! Well, Tabber how are things going in the office to-day ? SAM. You said you were comin' over after me. PENROD. Oh, goodness, Sam, I just wish you'd get a little sense. SAM. Well, what have I done? PENROD. How many times have I got to tell you? I'm George B. Jashber, head of this detective force, and you're John Tabber. SAM. That's so I forgot George B. PENROD. Well don't do it again. (He seats himself at the desk) I got some pretty important business to get fixed up here, Tabber. SAM. Well, for Heaven's sake, hush up a min- ute, can't you? I got to have a turn some time, haven't I? PENROD. Wait 'til mine's over, can't you? SAM. No, sir. I won't! PENROD. You're under me, aren't you ? SAM. What? PENROD. How many times have I got to tell you I'm George B. Jashber the one that's got to give the orders and everythin' in this business, I guess, ain't I? And you're just only John Tabber, my as- sistant. SAM. Oh, all right. X 00. SAM, HEWAA/AWO VERf1f(N,ACTII OF PENROD 49 PENROD. Well, Taber I got a lot of important business to do here. SAM. Listen here, don't I ever get a chance to finish my turn? PENROD. No ! Here's where I make my report. SAM. Oh, go on, do ft. PENROD. (Enacting the two characters) Is this Geo. B. Jashber's private detective aggsy office? Yes, sir. What can I do for you? Well, George B., I'm one of your best detectives. I see you are. Your name is Smiggel Belfuss. What have you to report? Here is my report, Mr. Jashber. Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon. Tabber, open the door for Smig. SAM. Ah, he's opening the door for himself. PENROD. Do a's I tell you, open the door for Smig. SAM. All right. (Bus.) Good-bye, Smig. ('SAM goes over behind PENROD, and opens an imagi- nary door then closes it and returns to his po- sition near the barn R.) PENROD. (Looking at the report which he has taken from his pocket) Report. Geo. B. Jashber's Detective Aggsy, Number 103. (He turns to SAM) I'm number 103 Tabber and you're 104. SAM. I don't want to be number 104. I'd rather be number 103. PENROD. What for? SAM. I don't know, but I want to. PENROD. Well, you ain't going to; who got all this detective business up, anyway? SAM. Oh, poot ! PENROD. And who's been shadderin* this old crook, Dade, all day, 'till I got so tired I could hardly move ? 50 PENROD SAM. Well, where'd our old crook Dade go? PENROD. Hush! to a sort of greenhouse, an' came on out. SAM. Did he see you ? PENROD. No, sir. An' then old Dade went to a place where they got a sign Business Men's Noon Meeting. SAM. Did old Dade go in? PENROD. Yep; and was singin' hymns there; I tell you, Tabber, it looks bad. SAM. An' then where'd old Dade go? PENROD. To a dairy lunch an' et coffee an' raisin pie. SAM. Raisin* pie! Yes, George B., it certainly looks awful bad. PENROD. Yes, sir! An' now what we got to do is find out where old Da'de lives. ( VERM AN and HERMAN READY) SAM. Why? PENROD. We gotter find out where he keeps the horses he steals I guess haven't we ? SAM. That's so. PENROD. Well, Tabber 4iark ! Wasn't that a knock at the office door? SAM. No! PENROD. (Raps on the desk) Yes, it is ! Open the office door, Tabber, and see who's there. SAM. (Crossing behind PENROD and opening the imaginary door) All right ! Why, it's a great, big, tall ole man with long, white whiskers. PENROD. No, it isn't. It's a poor, old woman in a red shawl an' everythin'. ('SAM goes back of desk to R., rather angry) Pray step forward, Mis- sus ! Pray take a seat, Missus. (There is a slight noise in the barn, Rj PENROD 51 SAM. (Backing cnvay from the barn door) Pen- rod! PENROD. Oh, keep quiet, can't you ? I'm trying to talk to the poor old woman in a red shawl. SAM. There's someone in your barn. PENROD. Huh! '{The noise is repeated louder.) SAM. Hear it? PENROD. It's old horse thief Dade and his gang. Get your altermatic ready. (He draws his wooden gun.) SAM. I guess I gotter go home. (Starts up.) PENROD. {Grabs him) No, you haven't. (He picks up wooden paper weight and hurls it in the barn) Now, men, stand ready with your guns ("HERMAN and VERMAN enter from the barn R. and stand laughing at PENROD and SAM. HERMAN up stage, VERMAN down.) PENROD. Oh, it's only Herman and Verman. HERMAN. Dat's right, Penrod! An' me 'n Ver- man uzn't doin' nuthin' to you. PENROD. What you doin' in my pa's barn; I'd just like to know ? VERMAN. 'e 'us listenin' ! PENROD. What you say, Verman? VERMAN. 'e 'us listenin'! PENROD and SAM. What? HERMAN. My goodness, seem like it takes you white boys long time to understand Verman, just because he tongue-tied. He say: "We just a-lis- tenin'." PENROD. Listenin' to what ? VERMAN. 'Istenin' uh yo'! (Listening to you.) HERMAN. Das so! Verman, he say: "We lis- tenin' to you !" PENROD. Listenin' to me? HERMAN. Das so! We crawl in through de 52 PENROD winder from de alley, an' ma goodness, we most bus' ourselves laughin' when we hear you playin' so funny. PENROD. "Playin' so funny?" I guess if I told you what I was doin', your eyes would stick out. VERMAN. (Squealing with laughter and with a clumsy imitation of PENROD'S GEORGE B. JASHBER'S manner) Hey ! I Harge Hasher, Hay hake a heek, mi'hhuh ! (Laughs.) HERMAN. Das so, Verman. "Pray take a seat, missus !" (Laughs. He also imitates PENROD'S de- tective manner.) PENROD. (Sternly) You stop that, this minute. You don't seem to know that you're makin' fun of detectif business. HERMAN. What 'is here detectif, hey? PENROD. Me! I'm a detectif. HERMAN. You hear 'at, Verman. Oh, Lordy! (Both go off into a spasm of laughter.) PENROD. You don't believe me? Then look here! (He throws back his coat and displays his detective badge. The effect on HERMAN and VER- MAN is electric. They both stop laughing and gaze at PENROD and his badge with their mouths open and a frightened look comes over their faces) George B. Gray, Private Detective, Ag'cy, No. 103. A-g-cy Ag'cy. SAM. That proves it, doesn't it? (Comes to R.j HERMAN, (c. Evidently very much impressed) How come all dis yere business? Hey how come it ? VERMAN. (L.C.) Uh? PENROD. (At desk R.cJ Now you know who I am, I guess you better clear out 'fore you get ar- rested and everything. VERMAN. Ho! Hi hain hone 'uthin'! (Oh, I ain't done nothing.) PENROD 53 PENROD. Wha.'s that? HERMAN. Verman say, he ain't done nuthin' to you and das so ! PENROD. Well, you look out, we got some perty dan'grous business going on here; Tabber? SAM. (Saluting) Yes, Geo. B. Jashber. HERMAN. Who Tabber? PENROD. It's Sam! It's Ms detective name. HERMAN. His who name ? PENROD. Never mind ! You look here, Tabber ! SAM. All right, George B. Jashber. HERMAN. What for you get your little ole dog, Duke, tie up for? (Pointing to barn R.) PENROD. He's our bloodhound ! (VERMAN stag- gers back in fear) Now remember, Tabber. SAM. I will! I got my 'otterm'atic, George B. PENROD. Now you poor old woman in the red shawl pray state your business. HERMAN. Where dis poor old woman in de red shawl, huh ? PENROD. Oh, keep quiet an' go 'home; can't you? You say your horse an' buggy has been stolen, Mis- sus? Yes, yes, Tafober? SAM. Yes, George B. Jashber? PENROD. Here's another case of the Bade gang. Very well, Missus. Hark ! There's one of my best men knockin' at the door. Tabber, open the door an' let 'him in. SAM. Oh, poot! All I got to do is open the door. PENROD. Walk in, Jim ! I want you to take this poor, old woman in the red shawl HERMAN. I never see anythin' like dis afore PENROD. Shut up; can't you? And, Jim you find her horse an' buggy for the poor old woman in the red shawl. Two thousand dollars, Missus. (He pockets the money) Thank you; good day. 54 PENROD HERMAN. Well, I certainly lookin' hard for ter see dat poor old woman in de red shawl. VERMAN. ( Who has been following all this most intently with his mouth open, now utters a cry) I hee her! PENROD. What's he say in', Herman? HERMAN. Verman say 'at he see sumpin'. VERMAN. I hee her. HERMAN. What's dat? VERMAN. I hee poor hole ooman 'ith a red shawl. PENROD. What! HERMAN. Verman say fie see dat poor ole woman in red shawl. VERMAN. (Wildly) I hee her ! hare he hoes hee her hee her hoe hee her hoe hanary han- ary an' here's another one hee her here's two of them! HERMAN. (Grabbing him) My Lordy black boy you come along home. PENROD. Wait a minute! HERMAN. Nussah nussah when dis here brother o' mine begins ter see old womans in red shawls, it's time ter go home. PENROD. No, you're not. Come here, an' bring Verman. VERMAN. No! Igh got go! PENROD. Stop him, Herman. (He seats himself at his desk behind the wheel- barrow R.C., while HERMAN catches VERMAN by the waist band of his pants, and brings him, struggling and complaining bitterly, down to the desk.) VERMAN. Mo ! Hi go'es go ! Hi ain' 'one noth- ing ! Hu heave me ho ! PENROD. Ah, keep quiet. Nobody's goin* to PENROD 55 hurt you. Listen here, how'd you both like to be detectifs? VERMAN. Mo! Mo! (No, no.) (He starts to run, but HERMAN restrains him.) HERMAN. What we got ter do? PENROD. Help me an' Tabber shadow our sco'n- drel. HERMAN. Who scounnel? ('MARGARET and DADE READY) PENROD. We're shadderin' this sco'ndrel Dade! HERMAN. What thish here shaddin', hey? PENROD. It means follow, we all got to follow this sco'ndrel, Dade, every minute, day an' night. SAM. Nights? Listen, I have to go to bed at nine o'clock. PENROD. Well, you can shadow him until nine; I can. SAM. Yep! HERMAN. Say, looky yere, who dis here sco'n- drel Dade; hey? PENROD. He's the one comes here to see my sis- ter Margaret. HERMAN. I know, sit on po'di dere, all time an* look so (He assumes a languishing expres- sion.) PENROD. That's the one. He's a horse thief. HERMAN. Lan' name ! How you know ? PENROD. 'Cause I heard my father and mother say so : and I guess they know, don't they ? HERMAN. When me'n Verman goin' begin? PENROD. Right off ! Now, Herman, you're Bill. Verman's Jim. Sam is Tabber. and I'm George B. Jashber or Number One Hundred and Three. Whenever you see this sco'ndrel, Dade Herman 56 PENROD you bark like a dog. (HERMAN barks loudly) That's it. Sam, you crow like a rooster. (SAM crows) An', Verman, well, you just yell out what you see, nobody'll know what you're saying, any- way. You can yell whatever's going on, and Her- man'll tell us, 'cause he can understand you. Now, men, here's your guns. (Hands HERMAN and VER- MAN wooden guns.) SAM. What do we do next, George B. ? PENROD. Well, men, we got to scatter an' see if we can't find our ole'sco'ndrel Dade remember we gotter git him! SAM, PENROD and HERMAN. (Together) We gotter git him ! VERMAN. (After them) Ee go eh ge'm ! ( MARGARET and DADE laughing off L.) PENROD. Hush ! (The boys exit. PENROD into barn and SAM crosses stage and exit through hole in hedge HERMAN behind barn and VERMAN up c. and off around" house, goes way round fen-ce L.u. to gate L. and waits for cue.) MARGARET. (MARGARET and DADE enter at the gate L.J Will you come in? DADE. As though it were possible for me to say no. (They come down the path to the veranda.) MARGARET. You mustn't let me keep you. DADE. (Fervently) I believe you could keep me always, Princess. MARGARET. You think so? DADE. I am sure of it. Just as Beatrice kept Dante ! MARGARET. Don't you think the Divine Comedy simply delicious? PENROD 57 DADE. Wonderful ! But the Inferno is rather a hot subject for such a warm afternoon. MARGARET. You do say clever things, Mr. Dade ! (As she pronounces the name, VERMAN comes through gate on hands and knees and quickly runs up, hiding himself behind bush L. above gate.) DADE. I wonder if you will give me the benefit of your advice, Princess? MARGARET. Of course, Mr. Dade. DADE. I like this place so well I am going to settle down here. MARGARET. How very nice, Mr. Dade. VERMAN. (Gives a shrill cry) Hi hee 'im! (I see him.) DADE. What was that? MARGARET. Oh, just neighborhood boys playing in the street. And you're going to live here? DADE. I'm so sure of it, Princess, that I intend to build a home here. MARGARET. Really ? DADE. Yes, and I want your advice about the locality. MARGARET. Oh, Mr. Dade VERMAN. Hole Hade he here now! (Old Dade he here now.) (MARGARET and DADE go up above house on the L. looking for the cause of the noise. PENROD comes from barn R. as he hears VERMAN'S voice.) DADE. (Looks off) What is that noise? (HERMAN dashes around the house R. to PENROD.) 58 PENROD HERMAN. Hija'h! Mister Jashber? PENROD. What's the matter, Bill ? HERMAN. Didn't you hear ? (SAM appears over hedge and crows loudly in imi- tation of a rooster. HERMAN and PENROD hide under shrubs R. of veranda.) DADE. Somebody's rooster has a bad cold evi- dently. MARGARET. Shall we sit down ? (They do so on the veranda in chairs) Really, I'm flattered, but I know hardly anything about real estate here. DADE. (Very tenderly) You know where you would like to live, Princess? MARGARET. (Fluttering as she senses the per- sonal note in his voice) Oh, Mr. Dade ! VERMAN. Hole Hade hippin hon hun hide hep. (Old Dade sitting on them side steps.) PENROD. What's that? HERMAN. (Translating) Herman say : Ole Dade sittin' on de side steps. PENROD. Uh ? I guess I know that, don't I ? DADE. I do want a quieter spot than this for my home. MARGARET. Well, let me see DADE. Take time, Princess ! MARGARET. Let me think ! Really, you know the responsibility is frightful. DADE. Well, suppose you look over this ; it may help you. {He hands her -a folded paper.) MARGARET. Oh, what i's it, Mr. Dade? DADE. A rough plan of fhe house I'm going to build. MARGARET. How wildly exciting, Mr. Dade. VERMAN. (From behind the tree left) Hole Hade hiving yo' histers haper! (Old Dade giving your sister a paper.) PENROD 59 PENROD. What's that? HERMAN. (Translating VERMAN'S speech) "Ole Dade giviu' yo' sister a paper." PENROD. Papers! I guess we've got to rescue her 'fore she signs 'em ! BADE. Well, Princess? (MR. S. READY) MARGARET. Why it's a matter one can't decide offhand ; isn't it ? DADE. Not if the charming Princess is inter- ested. MARGARET. Oh, indeed I am ! DADE. (Tenderly) I hoped you would be ! (He lays his hand on hers.) VERMAN. Hole Hade holdin' yo' hister's 'and. (Old Dade holding your sister's hand.) PENROD. What's that? HERMAN. "Old Dade holdin' your sister's hand." PENROD. Golly! I guess we got to do some- thing, Bill. (SAM crows HERMAN barks PENROD whistles VERMAN shouts all together. MARGARET and DADE both jump up DADE goes down L. and MARGARET R.cJ MR. S. (Enters from the house) What's all this yelling about out here? (Comes down between them.) (PENROD and HERMAN exit n..) MARGARET. Just the boys playing, Papa. DADE. Good afternoon, Mr. Schofield. MR. S. Oh, Mr. Dade. MARGARET. (Rather flurried) Mother home, Papa? MR. S. Came with me ! i 60 PENROD MARGARET. I must see her right away ; message from Mrs. Qarkson about the Trimbles' party. (Starts for house) You going, Mr. Dade? DADE. If you will give me the pleasure of es- corting you ! MARGARET. Thank you. Excuse me. (Up on veranda.) DADE. Most unwillingly. MARGARET. (Smiles at him) You and Papa can talk (She exits into the house R.J (There is a pause as the men eye each other.) MR. S. (Showing that he has made up his mind to find out about DADE) Mr. Dade DADE. You know I'm very glad to have this op- portunity to talk with you, Mr. Schofield ; may I offer you a cigar ? MR. S. {As he takes it) Thank you! Well, what do you want from me ? DADE. Advice ! You bankers, I believe, are the backbone of our American institutions. MR. S. (Swelling at the compliment) Ahem-m! Well, sir, we try to do our duty as citizens of this Republic. DADE. And you succeed nobly, Mr. Schofield. Now I have organized a corporation MR. S. Organizing it here? DADE. Oh, we intend to build our factory here, it's a natural distribution center. The capital is held in New York and Boston. MR. S. What you going to make? DADE. An automobile polish. If a man puts it on his automobile, he won't have to paint that car for five years. MR. S. Why, you don't mean it? PENROD 61 DADE. Oh, yes, we've got it. MR. S. Well, I don't see how I DADE. I simply want you to advise me ; you have a wide experience with men. MR. S. Well, really, Mr. Dade! DADE. In a few days I should like to open a rather large account with you, sir. MR. S. We will try to take care of it, Mr. Dade. DADE. My dear sir, I know the standing of your bank here, and so do the men behind me. MR. S. We endeavor to be safe and conserva- tive! DADE. My company is a big proposition, Mr. Schofield, and we want to do business with big men men of force men of tact men who can see things broadly, like yourself. (He illustrates with sweeping gestures.) (LIGHTS DOWN SLOWLY) MR. S. (Tremendously impressed) Mr. Dade, you honor me ! DADE. Not at all. You'll be doing me a personal favor. MR. S. I'll be very glad to advise you, Mr. Dade! (He shakes hands with DADE.J fMRS. S. READY) VERMAN. (Behind his tree) Hold Hade hakin' yo' happy's hand! (Old Dade shaking your pap- py's hand. fSAM appears above the fence L V crowing wildly HERMAN barks loudly to PENROD'.J MR. S. But not in this bedlam! Suppose we take a stroll? 62 PENROD DADE. I am honored, Mr. Schofield. (They go up the lawn toward the gate.) (MARJORIE JONES enters at the gate L.) MR. S. Why, hello, Marjorie! MARJORIE. (Comes down between SCHOFIELD and DADE; How do you do, Mr. Schofield ? Mr. Dade. Mother sent me over to see if Mrs. Schofield had some yarn like this. MR. S. I guess so! Mary! MRS. S. (Enters from the house) Yes, Henry? MR. S. Marjorie wants to see you about some yarn. MRS. S. Why, Marjorie, dear, I didn't see you. MARJORIE. Mother wants to know if you can let her have some yarn like this ? MRS. S. Why, I guess so, dear. You going up the street, Henry ? MR. S. Mr. Dade and I have some business to talk over. (Both going out of gate.) MRS. S. Stop in at Miss Letty's and ask her if she can come and sew for me Tuesday. MR. S. I certainly will, my dear. Now, Mr. Dade, if I were in your place, I'd go slow (The rest is lost as they disappear through gate and exit L.) MRS. S. You wait a minute, Marjorie, and I'll try to find the yarn. I'm quite sure I have some. (She exits into the house MARJORIE follows half way in house.) (At once there is a tremendous activity in the GEORGE B. JASHBER forces PENROD comes to c., whistling shrilly SAM crows loudly, and drops from the top of the fence L. HERMAN comes around the house, barking loudly.) PENROD 63 VERMAN. (Comes down L.C., yelling) He hone ! Hole Hade hone. He hone he hon, he hon ! PENROD. Oh, for goodness sakes, shut up! SAM. What'll we do now, George B.? PENROD. Shadow ole Dade find put where he lives ! We got to find out where he lives. (All start after DADE, PENROD last.) MARJORIE. (Comes down has watched the boys from the veranda with interest) Hullo, Penrod ! PENROD. Uh ! (He sees MARJORIE pauses, and then turns to his men) Shadow him, men I'll catch up with you. VERMAN. 'e got to git " 'im." ^PENROD comes back. HERMAN, VERMAN and SAM make a most mysterious exit gate Lj MARJORIE. (Comes toward him) What are those boys going to do? PENROD. Never mind ! (He doubles up his fist) Did George Bassett come with you, Marjorie? MARJORIE. Yes, but his mamma told him to wait up at the corner she she said she didn't want you to to con contampiate Georgie. PENROD. Contampiate? What's that mean? MARJORIE. I don't know. PENROD. (Darkly) All right she'll see! (He regards her with a frown.) MARJORIE. What is the matter with you, Pen- rod? PENROD. Nothing you'd understand. MARJORIE. There is, too. I bet your papa's found out sompin' you did. PENROD. He has not. MARJORIE. Well, then, you think he's goin' to. PENROD. I do not ! 64 PENROD MARJORIE. I'll bet that's it ! (She begins to sing in a sweet, taunting voice.) Penrod knows they'll ketch him yet, So he's 'fraid what he will get, Oh, Penrod Schofield! PENROD. (Darkly) You better stop that, Mar- jorie. MARJORIE. (Laughing and pointing her finger at him) Why had I? Who'll make me? Mister Penrod Schofield, I'm goin' to sing it from now to the Fourth of July. Penrod knows they'll ketch him yet, So he's 'fraid what PENROD. All right! (He starts away from her to L J MARJORIE. (Repentant) Wait, Penrod, please! (Follows him, brings him back.) PENROD. You goin* to quit ? MARJORIE. Well, I have quit, haven't I? Pen- rod, what is the matter with you? PENROD. You won't tell? MARJORIE. Cross my heart, Penrod! PENROD. All right look here! (He flips his jacket back and shows her the badge.) MARJORIE. (Not very much impressed) It's right pretty, Penrod. What is it ? PENROD. What is it? It's a detecative badge. I wear it because I'm chasin' a gang of crooks. MARJORIE. Why do you have to chase cooks, Penrod ? PENROD. Not cooks! Crooks! MARJORIE. What are crooks? PENROD. Well, they ought to be arrested and I'm after this sco'ndrel Dade, 'cause he's a crook. PENROD 65 MARJORIE. Why, he's a grown-up man; he comes to our house to see papa sometimes. PENROD. Well, he's a crook, all right. MARJORIE. He is not, Penrod. My papa wouldn't let him come to the house if he was a crook. PENROD. (Gloomily) Your father doesn't know about crooks like I do. You wait until this sco'n- drel Dade gets your father to to sign some ole papers an' an' then just up and grabs everything he's got, an' an' your father won't have a cent left to his name. MARJORIE. (Much impressed) Penrod! PENROD. You wait an' see! '(Crosses R.J MARJORIE. Penrod Schofield, you just made this up about Mr. Dade yourself. PENROD. Well, you'll see! MARJORIE. I won't believe a word, unless you tell me more. (MRS. S. READY) PENROD. Well, my father said this sco'ndrel Dade stole horses and so did my mother, and I heard them say it. MARJORIE. (Gasping) Penrod ! Did you hon- estly hear your father and mother say that Mr. Dade stole horses ? PENROD. Yes, I did! That afternoon of the old pageant. MARJORIE. Honest true, did you? PENROD. Cross my heart, an' hope to die, Mar- jorie. MARJORIE. Oh ! PENROD. I guess you know now your father'd better look out when this sco'ndrel Dade comes around. MARJORIE. Penrod, it's just terrible! 66 PENROD PENROD. You bet it is! That's why I'm after him. MRS. S. (Enters from the house) Here it is, Marjorie. I had to go all over the house for it, but I found it finally. MARJORIE. Yes'm! Thank you! MRS. S. You'd better hurry home, dear, it looks like rain to me. MARJORIE. I'm going right away. Good-bye, Penrod. PENROD. (Darkly leaning against the veranda with his arms folded) Remember! (Roll of dis- tant thunder.) (HERMAN READY) (MARJORIE looks at him, then runs off through the gate, scared.) MRS. S. Remember ? What is it you want Mar- jorie to remember? PENROD. (Mysteriously) Oh, just something she'd better remember! MRS. S. You are so mysterious lately! And you're going to hurt your eyes if you don't stop that. (HERMAN has entered R. not finding PEN- ROD there he begins to howl like a dog.) Goodness ! What is that? (Goes into house.) PENROD. (Quickly) I'll see (He goes down around to the barn R., where he interrupts HERMAN'S howling) My goodness, Herman, what's the mat- ter with you ? HERMAN. (Coming down to PENROD J I doin' jes' what you told me to, George. PENROD. Well, make your report, Bill ! HERMAN. I done foller PENROD. Shadow, you mean ! HERMAN. Sure, George ! I shadder dat mean ole Bade PENROD 67 PENROD. Did you find out where he lives, Bill? HERMAN. No, sir ! He jes' kinder seem ter slip away from me. PENROD. Bill, I'm disappointed in you. . S. and MR. JONES READY) HERMAN. Yassah! I 'spects you is! (SAM crawls through the hole in the fence L., pauses and crows like a rooster.) PENROD. Wait now! Here's good old Ta'bber. SAM. (Crows as he crosses stage to PENROD) Yes, George? PENROD. You found out where this sco'ndrel Bade lives? SAM. (Sheepish) I lost him somewhere up Pine Street! PENROD. This is a nice business. VERMAN. (Runs on-L.) I hee 'im I hee 'im. He hoom. ! He hoom ! I hee 'im ! Hole Hade. PENROD. What's he sayin', Herman ? fDADE READY) HERMAN. He say : "Ole Dade comin' !" PENROD. All right. (He buttons up his jacket, pulls his cap down over his eyes, and examines the gun he takes from his pocket) I'll attend to this business myself. You men stay in the pffice an' wait for good old George B. (Opens door and ushers them in exits into barn R.j (The clouds have been rotting up steadily though the sunshine still falls on the veranda.) THUNDER 68 PENROD MR. S. (Enters from street L. with MR. JONES,) Looks like we might get some rain. JONES. I hope so ; I saw you talking with this young Dade up the street. MR. S. Why, yes, had quite a confab with him. JONES. Just how does he strike you, eh? MR. S. Seems to me like a mighty smart fellow. JONES. Did he tell you about his company? MR. S. Yes, he did ! Looks to me like a good thing. JONES. Glad you think so. I'm going into it. SAM READY IN BARN DADE. (Enters from street) Oh, Mr. Schofield. THUNDER MR. S. Look here, Mr. Dade, if you let Jones into this company of yours, what's the matter with me? DADE, Why, I didn't suppose a small thing like my company would interest you. MR. S. I am always ready to help any enterprise that looks good for this town. DADE. You flatter me, Mr. Schofield. MARGARET and MRS. S. READY MR. S. Not at all. Drop in at the bank to- morrow and we'll talk it over. (SAM conies on from barn he sees DADE, and sud- denly jumps back, crowing loudly.) JONES. (Noticing that DADE has started vio- lently at sound of S>AH) What's the matter? DADE. Oh, nothing, really. Only wherever I've been this afternoon I've heard roosters crowing, and dogs barking and the most awful lot of gibberish. PENROD 69 MR. S. Just the youngsters playing. Well, see you to-morrow. BADE. About ten? MR. S. That'll do. (He starts whistling and turns to go in the house.) JONES (As he exits L. with DADE) Mr. Dade, you can just put me down for about $5,000. (Exits.) (TENROD rushes across stage and trails DADE through gate and off.) MR. S. (Turns quickly and catches sight of PEN- ROD as he exits through gate) What the H MARGARET. (Enters on the veranda with her mother) Oh, Papa. WARNING LIGHTNING MR. S. (c.) What is it, dearie? MARGARET. (*.) Mother said perhaps I could have a new dress for the Trimbles' party. MR. S. You can have two if you want 'em ! MARGARET. And and you won't make a fuss if I go to the party with Mr. Dade? MR. S. (Heartily) Fuss ! Of course you go with Mr. Dade. I tell you Mr. Dade's a rising young man. Wish we had a few more like Dade in our city. (He exits into the house singing.) FIRST FLASH AT BACK ^MARGARET and MRS. S. look at each other in amaze- ment at MR. SCHOFIELD'S change of heart re- garding DADE. All are on veranda during this scene.) THUNDER 70 PENROD MARGARET. Well! Did you ever see such a change ? MRS. S. (L.) My dear ! When you've been mar- ried a year, you will give up trying to understand a man. (She notices a paper in MARGARET'S hand) What's that you're studying there? MARGARET. (Rather shyly) Oh, just something Mr. Dade asked me to look over. A a bungalow plan. MRS. S. (With a teasing note in her voice) In- deed already ? MARGARET. Now, Mamma. You needn't smile at me like that. (She sees ROBERT entering L. and makes a start for the house door.) Oh ! THUNDER MRS. S. What are you running away for? MARGARET. (Nods with her head) Robert! MRS. S. You can't! He saw you. MARGARET. Oh, dear! (She stands by the -ve- randa pillar.) MRS. S. {As ROBERT comes toward the veranda) Well, are we going to get a storm, Robert ? ROBERT. (With his eye on MARGARET,) We cer- tainly are ! (There is an awkward pause.) MRS. S. (c.) Well, it may clear the air. ROBERT. (L. gloomily) The air around here needs a good deal of clearing. MRS. S. (After an awkward pause, anxious to get away) I think your father is calling me! MARGARET. (R. Not wanting to be alone with ROBERTA Oh, no, he isn't, Mamma. MRS. S. I I think I'd better see, if you'll ex- cuse me ? (She exits into the house.) THUNDER FLASH AT BACK PENROD 71 (For a long moment there is an oppressive silence; the storm is coming nearer and thc^e is a rum- ble of thunder.) MARGARET. Hadn't we best go in ? ROBERT. No! I want to say something to you. MARGARET. Yes, Robert! ROBERT. Margaret. Margaret, will you be my wife? MARGARET. (Starts violently, nearly falls off the step of the veranda, and clings to R. pillar) Good gracious ! ROBERT. Why should you be surprised? You know I love you ! MARGARET. But ROBERT. You "have seen it in my face, my eyes, my voice as I spoke your dear name. I want you for my wife, Margaret, say yes, do say it now. MARGARET. I I can't! (Comes down R.c.J ROBERT. Why can't you? MARGARET. Because it's ridiculous! ROBERT. Ridiculous ! MARGARET. Yes ! You have another year at col- lege and then Law School no I won't hear of such nonsense, now. ROBERT. But why not? MARGARET. I've just told you! Engaged be- fore you're out of college ? No, you ought to have your utter freedom. CRASH READY ROBERT. But I don't want my utter freedom, Margaret ! LIGHTNING READY MARGARET. You might ! You might see some- one you cared more for ROBERT. (Passionately) You know I couldn't! 72 PENROD MARGARET. Men change, Robert, as life goes on. ROBERT. I see how it is ; you're making excuses to yourself for something in your own soul. THUNDER MARGARET. (Very frigidly) I think, Mr. Wil- liams, I must ask you to explain your last remark. VIVID FLASH IN FRONT ROBERT. Oh, I'll explain. You cover up your refusal of me wifh consideration of my future, but the real reason is this Bade ! MARGARET. Oh, don't be absurd ! ROBERT. Is it absurd when you go out with him walking ; when 'he calls you Princess ; when he comes nearly every evening; yes, and stays until after eleven o'clock? MARGARET. Mr. Dade is merely a friend. ROBERT. (Laughing harshly) A friend, ha, ha ! Friends send flowers and and walk home from church with you 'and Will you go to this Trimble party with me ? Will you ? MARGARET. I I can't, Robert because FLASH AT BACK ROBERT. Because you're going with Dade! MARGARET. Please ! DELLA READY ROBERT. You are, aren't you ? MARGARET. Oh! (She starts for the house.) ROBERT. (Catches her hands and swings her around on his L.) Answer me ! You are going with Dade, aren't you? MARGARET. Yes ! PENROD 73 ROBERT. I thought so ! Fool that I was. MARGARET. Robert ! ROBERT. Yes, a fool, living in a fool's paradise believing that you loved me. MARGARET. You have no right to to speak to me like this ! ROBERT. I have every right ! The right of a man who has laid his heart at the foot of a flirt ! MARGARET. Don't, Robert! ROBERT. A vampire! VIVID THUNDER CRASH MARGARET. Ah ! (With a loud crash the storm breaks dust-clouds blow up the street, c. the trees wave and sway in the zvind doors slam window-blinds rat- tle vivid lightning and crash after crash of thunder windozvs are heard to break.) BELLA. (Enters at kitchen door) Mother o' Moses, it's the end of the world ! (She picks up a rug and returns into the house.) MRS. S. (In the house) Henry ! MRS. S. READY ROBERT. And I have only one more word for you. Goo'bye. (As he starts to go R.J MARGARET. Robert don't ! Please don't go like this! ROBERT. Goo'bye! (He tears himself from MARGARET .) MARGARET. Robert, you'll get wet! VIVID IN ONE 74 PENROD ROBERT. Wet ? I hope I drown ! (Heavy crash of thunder. He looks at sky, turns up his coat, and exits into barn R.j ROBERT and SAM READY MARGARET. Robert ! MRS. S. (In the house) Henry Schofield ! MR. S. (Upstairs) I hear you! Good Lord, I'm trying to get this window down. MRS. S. (Enters at the door on the veranda R.J Margaret! Why, what's the matter? MARGARET. (L.) Robert he he said I I was a vampire! MRS. S. Never mind if you are a vampire. Have you seen Pen rod? MARGARET. No, Mamma! MRS. S. Henry Where's Penrod? THUNDER MR. S. Don't know! Come in! '(They go into the house.) VIVID IN ONE (The BOYS push ROBERT ou*t of the barn. SAM swings barn door wide open, showing HERMAN and VERMAN inside.) ROBERT. What's this ? A robber's den ? WARNING CURTAIN (Scene played quickly to climax.) SAM. We're detectives. We're after that ole crook, Dade. PENROD 75 ROBERT. What? SAM. Penrod's out now shaddoin' him to his den! PENROD, HERMAN and VERM AN READY ROBERT. What for? SAM. I ain't 'lowed to tell you. He's a horse thief. ROBERT. Mr. Dade is? SAM. He's a horse thief. ROBERT. I believe you're right ! SAM. We never leave his trail day or night. ROBERT. Even when he sits on the porch with Penrod's sister SAM. Yes, Bob, and you aren't goin* to tell on us? ROBERT. I certainly won't. PENROD. (Off L.) Wee-oh-kee SAM. Here he comes. ROBERT. Here's a dollar, divide it with the gang, keep on Dade's trail and catch this horse thief. ('PENROD enters, soaked, water running from his cap and jacket he dashes down to SAM, HERMAN and VERMAN.J ALL BOYS. Wee-oh-kee (As PENROD comes through gate and down to barn.) SAM. Say HERMAN. Hyah! You here, Mr. Jashber? PENROD. (Excitedly) Yes, and good old George B. followed that crook Dade ALL BOYS. Yes! PENROD. Followed him tracked him to his den where he lives ! SAM. Where is his den, George? 76 PENROD PENROD. This sco'ndrel, Bade lives at a place called the Y. M. C. A. (All the BOYS pull out their wooden guns and say very dramatically:) ALL BOYS. Ah!!!!! CURTAIN (PICTURE: BADE crossing the stage and the FOUR DETECTIVES shadowing him.) (Wait between Act II and III 7 minutes.) (Positions at curtain Sam, Penrod, Verman, Herman.) 1st. Four Boys' picture. 2nd. Bade and Boys. Boys following Bade from R. to L. 3rd. Margaret and Bob. 4th. Bella and Mr. and Mrs. Schofield. 5th. Penrod and Marjorie and Sam. 6th. Herman and Verman. 7th. Penrod. 8th. Penrod. ACT III SCENE: At exactly eight-thirty o'clock on this beautiful June evening, the house of HENRY P. SCHOFIELD is the scene of the most unusual ex- citement. AT RISE: MARGARET is standing on the veranda, drawing on her long gloves and is arrayed in her new dress. MRS. SCHOFIELD, standing at a little distance from her daughter, is admiring her with moth- erly pride in the mellow glow of the electric lights from the ceiling. Upstairs the brilliant illumination of the win- dows and the sounds of extreme activity an- nounce that HENRY P. SCHOFIELD is getting into Ming it difficul his evening clothes with considerable difficulty. MRS. SCHOFIELD. Turn around, dear! MARGARET. Does it hang all right in the back, Mamma ? CRASH READY AT RISE MRS. S. Walk away a little and let me see! (MARGARET does so.) MR. SCHOFIELD. (From upstairs) Mary ? MRS. S. Yes ! It's all right, my dear. MR. S. (At the window upstairs) Mary ! BOB READY MRS. S. Yes, yes, yes ! What is it? MR. S. Haven't I got more than one collar 'but- ton? 77 78 PENROD MRS. S. There's another in my hairpin box. MR. S. Well, where's the hairpin box? MRS. S. Top drawer of the bureau! MR. S. Oh ! All right ! (He disappears from the upstairs window.) MARGARET. You really like it, Mamma? MRS. S. It's quite the prettiest dress you ever had, dear! MARGARET. Oh, I'm so glad ! CRASH IN ROOM (There is a crash upstairs, mingled with the sound of a masculine oath.) MRS. S. What have you done now, Henry ? MR. S. Pulled out this darned drawer. MRS. S. Did you find the button ? MR. S. No ! Yes. Here's the cussed thing. MARGARET. Do hurry, Papa, it's half -past eight. MR. S. Well, I'm doing the best I can, ain't I ? I've gained ten pounds since I wore this blamed dress suit. (Bos WILLIAMS comes dowvi the street at back and through the gate L.j MRS. S. Good evening, Robert ! BOB. (Briefly) Evening, Mrs. Schofield. ('Bos has a book in his hand) And Miss Schofield. MARGARET. Good evening, Bob, Mr. Williams ! (There is a pause.) MR. S. (Upstairs) Damn the collar! MRS. S. Henry Schofield ! (MR. SCHOFIELD begins to sing loudly, "In the Sweet Bye and Bye" to cover his profane ejaculations.) PENROD ? MARGARET. Oughtn't you to be dressing for the Trimbles' party, Mr. Williams? BOB. (Gloomily) I'm not going. MRS. S. (c. ) Oh, that's too bad ! BOB. (L.) Unfortunately, I have not a frivolous mind. I prefer to remain at home and read. MARGARET. Indeed! And what are you read- ing, pray? BOB. (Meaningly) Camille, or the fate of a coquette ! MARGARET. Oh ! MR. S. Mary? MRS. S. What is it now, Henry? MR. S. I can't seem to tie this blasted tie! MRS. S. Oh, I'll come! You never could get a tie right it does seem to me that going to a party is awfully hard work. (She exits into the house c.) MARGARET. It's it's a lovely evening, isn't it, Rob Mr. Williams? BOB. (Gloomily) The weather doesn't interest me now. MARGARET. Did you get very wet Tuesday? BOB. I don't know I guess I did. (He coughs hollowly.) MARGARET. (Startled) Robert you've taken cold, haven't you ? BOB. Nevermind! (Coughs.) MARGARET. But I do mind ! That cough sounds dreadful ! BOB. It isn't anything! MARGARET. Have you seen a doctor ? BOB. No ! (Coughs.) MARGARET. You should see Doctor Janney at once. BOB. It doesn't matter. (Coughs.) MARGARET. Oh, it does ! If you neglect a cold it's liable to 80 PENROD BOB. To send you into a decline, I know one of the fellow's in my class went that way MARGARET. Robert ! BOB. And he was glad to go because he had nothing to live for. MARGARET. You have everything to live for, Robert. BOB. I thought so once; not so very long ago, life seemed to me a precious gift to be treasured as a miser hoards his gold and I was happy, ha, ha! MARGARET. Don't, Robert! BOB. And then I awoke to find my dream shat- tered. MARGARET. Please BOB. And life became ashes. Well, it doesn't matter because I'm going away. MARGARET. Going away? BOB. It hardly seems possible for me to go on living here now. MRS. S. and DELLA READY MARGARET. Where where are you going? BOB. To Constantinople. MARGARET. Mr. Dade told me he lived there. BOB. Then I'll go to China. MARGARET. China ! BOB. China ! MARGARET. That's a long, long way, Robert ! BOB. The farther the better. On the other side of the world, I may learn to forget. PHONE READY MARGARET. When when do you think you'll go go to to China ? BOB. Well I I don't know exactly but when I do go, I'll go suddenly, probably at an hour's notice, so this is maybe good-bye. PENROD 81 MARGARET. You wouldn't go off to -to China, like that, in a minute, would you ? BOB. In a second, why shouldn't I? MARGARET. Why why you'd have lots and lots to do and you would have to say good-bye to your friends. MRS. S. READY BOB. No one would miss me in this town. MARGARET. Robert Williams, you know that isn't so! BOB. Would you miss me, Margaret? MARGARET. Indeed I should. BOB. Then PHONE RINGS IN HOUSE MRS. S. (Enters from house R.j There 'let it alone, Henry, and it will be all right. Goodness, shall we ever be ready for this party ? DELLA. (Enters door c.) If you please, Miss Margaret ! MARGARET. Yes, Delia! DELLA. Mr. Dade wishes to speak to you on the phone ! (Exits.) ("BOB clenches his hands.) MARGARET. Mr. Dade, I'll see what he wants. You will excuse me, Robert. BOB. Please don't keep Mr. Dade waiting on my account. ('MARGARET exits into house.) MR. S. (Upstairs) Mary ? MRS. S. What is the matter now, Henry? MR. S. Where in thunder is my rest? 82 PENROD MRS. S. On the back of the chair in the corner. MR. S. (Quickly) I've got it ! (Lights go out upstairs.) BOB. (Looks after MARGARET and sighs) Ah ! MRS. S. You know, Robert, I would much rather stay home. I always feel nervous when I go away even for a few hours. BOB. I understand. MRS. S. But the Trimbles are newcomers MARGARET. (Clearly seen at the phone inside the house) Oh, Mr. Dade! fBoB shows by his face that he is suffering keenly.) MRS. S. So I am goirtg as a duty. MARGARET. (At the phone) That's so dear of you, Mr. Dade! ('Bos, in agony, mops his face with his hand- kerchief.) MRS. S. It is warm this evening, isn't it ? BOB. Suffocating ! DELLA. (Enters from kitchen R.C. with a box) Miss Margaret Schofield? MRS. S. Yes! (She takes the box) Thank you! (DELLA exits into kitchen R.cJ MARGARET. (Enters at the door c.) Oh, Mamma, what do you think ? Mr. Dade is coming for me in a limousine. MRS. S. Why, it's only two squares to the Trim- bles. MARGARET. It's Mr. Dade's way. (She sees the box) What's that? MRS. S. Something for you, dear! PENROD 83 MARGARET. Ah! (She unwraps the box. ) MR. S. (Enters c., showing evidences of the fierce struggle he has had to get into his evening clothes) There ! If I stand up straight and don't make any youthful movements, I guess I'll hold together for the evening. (He has his coat over his arm) If you'll give me a hand, Mary? BOB. Let me, sir! MR. S. Hello, Bob ! Say, why aren't you rigged out for this shindig to-night? BOB. (As he helps MR. S. into his coat) I'm not going, sir ! MARJORIE and GEORGIE BASSETT READY MR. S. (Not seeing MRS. SCHOFIELD'S frantic gestures^ to avoid the dangerous topic of the party) You're in luck. MARGARET. Oh, look ! (She holds up a bunch of roses.) MOTOR READY MRS. S. How sweet ! MR. S. Hello! MARGARET. (Reading the card) Mr. Herbert Hamilton Dade. MR. S. Mr. Dade is a real feller ! Say, look out, Bob! BOB. Pardon, sir! Good evening. (Crosses very coldly, pauses, coughs loudly, and exits up R. behind barn.) MR. S. (Watching him as he goes) What in thunder's the matter with Bob? fMRS. SCHOFIELD signals to him) Oh, oh ! "Party of the first part" Well 'I've gained twelve pounds since I wore this festive suit and I can't afford to take any chance. MARJORIE. (Enters at the gate L. with GEORGIE BASSETTJ Mrs. Schofield ! MRS. S. Yes, Marjorie ! Oh, you do look sweet and Georgie, too ! 84 PENROD MR. S. Regular Princess! BADE READY MARJORIE. Mamma said I was to tell you she and papa would be a little late at the party 'cause papa has some some important business to attend to! So, please, could Georgie and I go with you? MOTOR MRS. S. Why, of course, dear. How do you do, Georgie ? GEORGIE. Good evening, Mrs. Schofield. (There is the sound of a motor off c.) MRS. S. Hark! VERM AN READY MARGARET. It must be Mr. Bade! MRS. S. Henry, you lock the front door. MR. S. It is locked ! MRS. S. Go and try it. You know how absent- tninded you are ! MR. S. All right ! MRS. S. I'll see to the windows down here! (She exits with MR. SCHOFIELD into house. Taxi is heard to stop c.) MOTOR STOPS (DADE enters at the gate. He appears to be very nervous and casts sudden glances behind. VER- MAN follows him on hands and feet, shadowing him, and quickly disappears under a bush up L.) MARGARET. Good evening, Mr. Bade! BADE. (Coming down to MARGARET.) Am I late, Princess ? MARGARET. Not at all, Mr. Bade. PENROD 85 DADE. Fact is I've been rather annoyed. MARGARET. Thank you for the roses. DADE. Ah, yes glad you liked them, best I could do in town ! MARGARET. Has anything gone wrong, Mr. Bade? SAM, BOB and PENROD READY DADE. Why, no! MARGARET. You seem rather nervous ! DADE. Oh, no, only (From somewhere in the shrubbery there comes a shrill cry from ) VERM AN. Iheehim. Hehonhep. ("I see him. He on step.") DADE. (Grasping his cane) Ah! MARGARET. What is the matter, Mr. Dade ? DADE. (Nervously) Would you be good enough to tell me what that awful noise is ? MARGARET. What noise, Mr. Dade? VERMAN. *(Is heard again, from the shrubbery) Hohe Hade hon hem hep! (Old Dade on them step.) DADE. There ! MARGARET. W'hy, that's o'nly Verman! DADE. Verman ? MARGARET. Verman! (Spells it) He's a little darkey boy who lives in the alley ; he's tongue-tied. DADE. Well, it's very curious, but I've stumbled over fifty colored 'boys in the last few days and they all seem to be tongue-tied. (They go into the house c. BOB enters R.J SAM. (Enters around the R. corner of the house; he is covered with dust; he calls in a breathless way) George B., you here? 86 PENROD BOB. Hello, Sam. What you doing 1 here, look- ing for Penrod? MRS. S. and MR. S., MARGARET and DADE READY SAM. Yep ! I got ter go, Bob ! (Crosses to cj BOB. Wait a minute! SAM. Can't ! BOB. Not for twenty-five cents? SAM. (Taking ti) I guess so! BOB. How'd you get so dusty, Sam? SAM. Shaddein that ole scoundrel Dade! BOB. That's right ! Don't be afraid to ruin your clothes in a good cause. I'm proud to have you for a brother, Sam. Here's a quarter for you and an- other for Penrod. (Exit around and off behind barn R.J PENROD. (Enters at gate L. He also is very dusty and out of breath) Is he here, Sam, or SAM. Penrod, Bob told me to give you this quarter. Say, what you s'pose has got the matter with Bob ? PENROD. Don't know ! Where'd you go, any- way? SAM. I tried to keep up with that old scoundrel Dade. Thought you were right behind me. PENROD. I was, 'til I fell down. Where's Her- man? SAM. Last I saw of him, he and Verman was hangin' on the back of old scoundrel Dade's otter- mobile. (They go into the barn R., half dosing the door.) MR. S. (In the house) Well, everything's locked up here ! MRS. S. Where's your wrap, Margaret? DELLA READY PENROD 87 MARGARET. (In the house) I'll get it, Mamma ! SAM, PENROD and MRS. S. READY (DADE comes down the veranda steps.) VERMAN. (In the shrubbery L.) Hole Hade homin' down hep: (Old Dade coming down stepj (DADE gives one look at the house, then grasps his cane and darts for the bush. VERMAN comes from behind another bush, runs between DADE'S legs, and scampers off through a hole in fence. DADE has caught sight of VERMAN and slashes at him with his cane. VERMAN runs for the hole in the fence, pur- sued by DADE) Hade hasin' me! Hying it me! (Dade chasing me, trying to hit me !) (He disappears through hole in the fence and as he does so, the nether part of his baggy trousers catches on a nail from which he frees himself with a yell of anguish, leaving a part of this necessary garment hanging there. DADE re- traces his steps towards the house.) MARGARET. (Enters from the house, followed by MR. SCHOFIELD, as the lights go out in the front room) Here we are, Mr. Dade. DADE. All ready ! Will you come in the machine with us, Mr. Schofield? MR. S. Well, now that's very kind of you, Mr. Dade. DADE. Not at all ! MARGARET. Mamma ! Where are you ? MRS. S. (Enters at the kitchen door with DELLA) The front of the house is all locked up, Delia. DEJXA. Yes, ma'am. MRS. S. I thought Jarge was coming to spend the evening with you. 88 PENROD DELLA. Well, ma'am, Jarge is late he always was late an' I'm thinking he always will be. MRS. S. Well, it's all right as long as you don't mind being alone here Where's Penrod? PENROD. (Comes from barn R.) Here I am, Mamma ! MRS. S. Is that Sam with you ? SAM. Yes'm ! MRS. S. Now you two be good boys and play here quietly and Penrod, remember, you are not to go out of the yard ! PENROD. No, Mamma ! MRS. S. And remember, Penrod, you are to go to bed at 9 o'clock. PENROD. Oh, Mamma, it's most nine now and we have a lot to do. Haven't we, Sam ? SAM. Yes, Mrs. Schofield. MRS. S. Well, half-past nine, then. MR. S. (Has gone to the gate with MARGARET, BADE, MARJORIE and GEORGIE, now he comes back down the path for MRS. SCHOFIELD,) Come, Mary ! MRS. S. I'm coming, Henry ! (She kisses PEN- ROD) Good night, dear, be a nice, good boy ! BELLA and JARGE READY PENROD. Yes'm ! MR. S. Bon't set the house on fire, son ! PENROD. No, Papa, I won't. ("PENROD and SAM go into the barn.) MRS. S. Goodness, Henry, don't think of such a thing. (She starts towards the gate and then pauses) Henry ! MR. S. Wdl, what is it, my dear? MRS. S. You didn't bring any money home from the bank, did you ? MR. S. Why, no! MRS. S. But I saw you with that bag you usually earn 7 it in. MR. S. It was empty, Mary ! PENROD 89 MRS. S. Well, I'm glad ! I wouldn't stir a step if you had left any sum of money in the house. DADE. All ready, Mrs. Schofield. MRS. S. Oh, are we going to ride? MOTOR READY MR. S. That's what Mr. Dade says. MRS. S. Why, how nice (They exit.) PENROD and SAM READY ("BELLA has followed them half -way to the gate; as she turns JARGE enters slowly R., chewing a straw.) JARGE. Hullo, Delia ! BELLA. Well, Lord of Heaven, an' is that you, Jarge? HERMAN READY JARGE. Yep ! I'm here ! BELLA. I just came out to look for you. Well, what kept you? JARGE. There was a man run over on Main Street and I waited to see 'em take him away in an am- bulance. BELLA. No? Well, come in. Have you had your supper? JARGE. Yep! But I can eat ag'in! (Exeunt kitchen R.cJ SAM. (To PENROD. They come out of barn) Well, what we gdin' to do; now, George B. ? MOTOR START AND DIE AWAY PENROD. My goodness, we got to wait for Bill an' Jim to report, haven't \ve? 90 PENROD SAM. Well, supposin' (He is interrupted by the entrance of HERMAN, who enters slowly around the barn R. HERMAN has evidently passed through a severe experience, for he is covered with mud and dust, he limps and his clothes show numerous large rents.) PENROD. (In a deep voice) Well, Bill HERMAN. You stop 'at! PENROD. Why ? HERMAN. 'Cause I ain't Bill no more. Fse jest Herman, an' I'se thoo' ! You hear me, white boy. Fse is thoo'! SAM. You're through? HERMAN. I's thoo' with this yere shaddin'! I ain't goin' ter shadder no mo' ! PENROD. Say, look here, you goin' ter quit? VERMAN READY HERMAN. I aw quit! PENROD. What ? HERMAN. Yes, sir! I climb on de back o' old Dade's machine an' it throw me off inter a puddle tear ma pants (He pauses as VERMAN enters through the hole in the fence, limping and complaining loudly.) VERMAN. Hole Hade hit me ! He hid. Hi ha hi hants, here hem hof ho he ; ho, hear. Ho, hear ! /HERMAN goes to him.) PENROD. Shut up, Verman! What's the mat- ter with you, anyway ? HERMAN. Verman he say, ole Dade hit him, an' he tear his pants. Lemme see. (He turns VER- PENROD 91 MAN arcund) Ma Lordy ! Black boy, you sure is in trouble on one side o' you. PENROD. Well, that ain't anything. HERMAN. Ain't anything? It's a good deal to anyone who ain't got any more pants. PENROD. Aw detectives got to go through more than that. HERMAN. Let 'em, they kin ! I ain't detective no mo', Fse thoo'. (Going.) VERMAN. Hi hoo! Hihoo! {Going.) HERMAN. You hear dat, boss. Verman says he thoo', too! PENROD. An' you goin' to let this scoundrel Dade go on stealin' horses an' an' gettin' people to sign old papers, like he does? HERMAN. I sut'ny am! I don't care what ole Dade do no more. On'y thing 'at int'rest me now is, how bad a lammin' mammy goin' give me when she see my pants, dat's all, I quit! (He exits around the barn R.) VERMAN. (Going) I hoo! I hoo! PENROD. (To VERMAN,) Look here! I'm not goin' to lose two o' my best men all at one time. YOU got to stay, Verman. (VERMAN salutes and sits down on veranda.) BOB. (Enters*.) Here, what's the matter? Why aren't you men on the trail? PENROD. One o' my best men's just resigned and I promised mamma I wouldn't go outside the yard. SAM. And I can't go anywhere except over here or OUR yard. Mamma said BOB. Well, here's Verman. He can go to the party, can't he? PENROD. He's just resigned, too. BOB. Verman, you join again. VERMAN. I hoo'. 92 PENROD BOB. Here's my last quarter. VERMAN. (Getting up and grinning) I hoin. BOB. You know where the party is. You can hear the fiddling from right yonder. Keep after him ! Keep close to the windows keep close to the verandas anywhere, wherever you see him VERMAN. We got to git him ! (Runs off behind barn.) BOB. That's right, men, we got to git him! (Laughs and exits.) PENROD. Well, this is a fine business. SAM. Say, I know somepin' that'll make Her- man come back. PENROD. Well, if you do, Tabber, tell me. SAM. It ain't anything to tell you, so much ; it's more somethin' to show you. PENROD. Well, Show it to me! SAM. I haven't got it here, but I can get it, I guess, over at my house. BELLA READY PENROD. I know everything you got over there, Sam. SAM. Not this, 'at I mean. You wait here an' I'll see if I can get it. (He exits R.) ( PENROD enters the barn and lights his old lantern.) PENROD. Well, George B., what d'you think we'd better do, 'bout this ? JARGE. (Enters from kitchen; he is eating a doughnut thoughtfully and pauses as he sees PEN- ROD) 'Lo, Penrod? PENROD. 'Lo, Jarge! What you doin' round here? JARGE. Came over to be comp'ny fur Delia while your ma an' pa's to the party. Delia sort o' gets skittish when she's alone. PENROD 93 PENROD. Huh ! I guess I'm here, ain't I ? JARGE. Oh, yes, I forgot that. PENROD. (Bragging) I do perty near anything I want to around here, Jarge, and if Delia was to get skittish or anything, I'd just DELLA. (Entering) Musther Penrod, it's nine o'clock and I had to put ye to bed then, so come along quick and PENROD. (Injured) Mamma said half-past nine. DELLA. Well, it is half-past nine exactly. PENROD. How CAN it be when you just said DELLA. (Talks fast throughout) It's long after half-past nine and PENROD. I'll bet five hunderd million dollars it's not nine o'cl DELLA. Come-on-this-minute I-goMer put ye-to-bed ! (All in breath.) PENROD. (Crosses to L. on veranda) I won't do it. If I got to go to bed, I'll put myself to bed. I'm nor goin' to have a whole lot o' women puttin' me to bed, anyway. DELLA. (Testily) Am- I-a-"whole-lot-o'- women ?" answer me that ! PENROD. I don't care whether you're a whole lot o' women or whatever you are, you don't put ME to bed when it's only about a minute or two after eight o'clock or somep'n, and I don't care HOW many women ! I'm not going to be put to bed by any women at all! DELLA. Then who's goin' to put ye to bed? PHONE READY PENROD. I got some rights in this country, I guess ! DELLA. (Testily) What's he talkin' about now ? PENROD. I guess I got some rights in this coun- 94 PENROD try not to haf to be put to bed by a whole lot of DELLA. I'll count ten and if ye don't march along, I'll telephone yer papa and mamma right at the party! One two (Counts slowly.) PENROD. (Desperately injured) Go on and tele- phone 'em. I'll walk right over there into their ole party and I'll tell papa and mamma and everybody there that you tried to put me to bed when it wasn't hardly dark yet and I got some rights in this coun- try not to be put to bed by any women. . . . DELLA. (Stops counting; at nine) All right, then. Jarge'll put ye to bed f er me. PENROD. I won't do it! Jarge hasn't got any rights in this country to put me to bed. He don't work for papa, and I don't care who's goin' to put me to bed, I'm not goin' to bed. DELLA. (Resuming quickly) Nine ten ! (Advances on him) There'll be no more argument. PHONE RINGS IN HOUSE. PENROD. (Triumphantly) There goes the tele- phone ! (Points at house.) DELLA. I'll tend to ye whin I come out! (Ex- its at kitchen door R.cJ JARGE. I guess you've gone up, Penrod. Delia's a awful determined girl. PENROD. Jarge, when she comes out, 7 tell you what you do; you go in and take the hands off the kitchen clock TARGE. (Protesting) I might bust 'em PENROD. Yes, and drop 'em out the window or somep'n. JARGE. Then she'd ask me what time it was by my watch. PENROD. Well, drop your watch out the win- dow JARGE. No, sir. PENROD 95 PENROD. Well, what are you goin' to do ? JARGE. Looks to me, like it's more like what are YOU goin' to do ? PENROD. Well, I'm not goin' to be put to bed by any women, that's one thing certain! And if she tries it, I'll just give her one look at my badge. Then I guess she'll know better! DELLA. (Inside) Oh me, oh my, and just to think of it ! Oh me, oh my, oh my, etc., etc. * JARGE. Listen! She's makin' a big fuss over something. She's comin' PENROD. (Nervously slipping into stable) Don't you tell her DELLA. (Enters in gre'at grief from house) Ochome ! Wirasthrew ! JARGE. What's the matter? DELLA. Sure an' me sister Katy has fallen down the cellar stairs an' busted two of her ribs an' a leg, entirely. JARGE. I'd like to have been there! Too bad! DELLA. Of course you would, you rubber-neck. An' they phoned me to come quick. JARGE. I guess you orter! DELLA. I can get a car at the corner. (She is putting on her hat and a light shawl) Lock the kitchen door for me, Jarge! SAM READY JARGE. Sure will. DELLA. (Takes the key from him) Now pay at- tention to what I say. JARGE. Yep ! PHONE READY DELLA. You put me on a car an' thin go to Mr. Dailey's an' tell Minnie Shea who works there, that 96 PENROD she's to come over 'here an' stay with that divil of a Penrod until Mrs. Schofield comes home. JARGE. I will ! DELLA. There's got to be someone here, d'ye mind, or that divil of a Pinrod'll raise ructions an* don't be late about it, an' don't wait if ye hap- pen to see a dog fight, or an' accident or a murder. JARGE. I won't, Delia! BELLA. (As they go up c.) An' Katy only mar- ried two years an' wid a baby four months old, bad luck to them cellar stairs. I always warned her ag'in them. (She is going, JARGE following her. As he goes he is looking behind the bushes and muttering mysteriously GEORGE B. JASHBER De- tective. DELLA comes back and gives him a pull. He knocks down a large plant in a box. It falls across the path) There now, see what you've done, you great big omadhaun ! Come on out o' that, Jarge, me sister'll be dead and buried before you get me on the car. (Grabs him and exits through gate L.) PHONE SAM. (Enters breathlessly R. He has something under his jacket; knocks mysteriously on barn door. PENROD answers) George B. George B. You here? PENROD. (Coming out, gloomily) Golly! It's tough when the women- folks want to put a detecative to bed. SAM. I bet I got somethin' that'll make 'em come back. PENROD. What you got there? SAM. This! (He produces a large sise Cplfs revolver of the heaviest pattern.) PENROD. Sam ! SAM. I got her out of the lower drawer in the bureau in papa's room. PENROD. Leave me have her ! PENROD 97 SAM. (R.C.) Wait a minute! I want to show you how I do. PENROD. (R. Laying violent hands on S>AM) No! You let me show you how / do. (They scuffle for a moment over the revolver and change sides, PEN- ROD R.C., SAM Rj SAM. Look out! PENROD. Then you let me have her! ('SAM re- linquishes the revolver and PENROD steps back with it in his hand) Look ! Watch me, Sam this is the way good old George B. Jashber does. You be a croak, like old Dade an' suppose you got a dag- ger. SAM. I don't want any dagger. That's my father's revolver. PENROD. Wait a minute ; can't you ? SAM. (Firmly) It's my father's revolver! PENROD. All right! I'll bet you don't darst to shoot her off ! SAM. I do, too! PENROD. All right ! I dare you to shoot her ! (As SAM takes the revolver.) SAM. I ain't afraid. PENROD. Well, let's see you then ; you talk so much ! SAM. (Looking at the big revolver and quaking) It it might break somethin' if I hit it ! PENROD. Hold her up in the air, then. SAM. All right! (He elevates the gun and puts the free hand up to his ear.) PENROD. {Both hands over Ms ears) Well, go ahead ! SAM. I can't pull the trigger. PENROD. Ho! I bet I could pull her! SAM. (Promptly handing PENROD the revolver) All right, you try her then ! PENROD. (Inwardly scared, but carrying it off with a bold front) Well, you just watch me. 98 PENROD SAM. I bet you're afraid, yourself ! (The glow of a flashlight is seen at upper window of house.) PENROD. Oh, I am, am I ! (He raises the big revolver and, as he does so, the window directly over the veranda is raised noiselessly and a ntan is seen to emerge; he has a bag in his hand.) SAM. I'll bet you're afraid yourself! PENROD. Oh, I am, am I ? (There is a terrific bang as the big revolver goes off ; its bullet breaks the window directly above the man's head on the veranda roof. He gives a scared yell and then says, "Oh, hell," and disappears back into the house. It is TIM.) MR. S., MRS. S., MARGARET READY (After shot is fired, PENROD gives revolver 1 to SAM, who puts it under his jacket.) (Play following scene very slowly.) PENROD. '(Also terribly scared) Sam, we shot somebody ! SAM. You shot somebody! PENROD. Well it was your revolver! SAM. And you did it! PENROD. Look if whoever it is, is laying- there ! SAM. I won't! I didn't kill him. You look yourself. PENROD. (Takes hold of SAM,) What we got to do we got ter both run away from here. (As they move forward.) PENROD 99 SAM. I don't want ter ! I didn't kill him. PENROD. You got ter ! MRS. S. (Heard off) There's no use talking to me, Henry! PENROD. Listen ! MRS. S. No use in the world ! PENROD. Oh, golly ! It's poppa and mamma ! (PENROD and SAM exit to barn R. Close door.) MRS. S. (Enters from L. through the gate, fol- loived by MR. SCHOFIELD J I tell you there's some- thing wrong. MR. S. But Mary MRS. S. I tell you I telephoned and nobody an- swered. Delia has gone out and left the house with poor little Penrod all alone. MR. S. Nonsense, Mary ! MRS. S. And I know that was a pistol shot we heard as we turned the corner. MR. S. Oh, some car had a blowout ! MRS. WILLIAMS READY MRS. S. (Screaming) Oh! MR. S. What's the matter? ^ MRS. S. Isn't that a man lying in the path? Is it a body ? (MR. SCHOFIELD picks up bush that JARGE knocked over.) WARNING CURTAIN MARGARET. (Enters from L., running, hysteri- cal) Oh, Mr. Dade Mr. Bade Mr. Dade ! SCHOFIELD. What's happened to Mr. Dade? MARGARET. Mr. Dade is gone, he's gone, he's gone. MR. S. Gone where? ioo PENROD MARGARET. He's gone he's gone. MRS. S. Give me the key. (They open the door and go into the house, MARGARET calling MR. DADE and MRS. SCHOFIELD calling PENROD ,) Where is Penrod? Penrod! Penrod ! MR. S. (Following them) Oh, look here look 'here ! (Shuts door after him.) PENROD. Did you hear Margaret, Sam, we've shot our old scoundrel Dade ! SAM. You-u shot him ! PENROD. Oooh ! MRS. WILLIAMS. (Off-R.) Samuel! Samuel! SAM. It's mamma ! I got to go I didn't have any business stayin' out after nine o'clock. (Crosses around PENROD above barn R.) PENROD. Are you goin' to leave me here alone ? SAM. I got to go home and go to bed, I tell you. (He exits R.J PENROD. Golly, this is an awful mess! MRS. S. (Off) Penrod ! Penrod ! ^PENROD half starts towards house when MR. S. calls:) MR. S. Penrod ! When I get my hands on that boy ( PENROD, left by himself, decides that the only thing left for him to do is to run away. He is about to go, but remembers his old dog Duke, goes back to the barn and gets Duke, a poor old mon- grel on a heavy rope. PENROD is sobbing and as he gets to center he says:) PENROD. Duke I bet cha I bet cha, we're both of us goin' to be over sixty-five years old before PENROD 101 we either of us see this old place again come on, Duke. (Waving to house) Goo'-bye. (Exits.) CURTAIN FIRST CURTAIN All grownups. SECOND CURTAIN Penrod, George Bassett, Margaret and Sam. THIRD CURTAIN Herman and Verman. FOURTH CURTAIN Sam and Penrod. FIFTH CURTAIN Penrod and Duke. (Wait between Act III and ACT IV n minutes .) CURTAIN ACT/TV SCENE : The SCHOFIELD living-room, half an hour later. Door R.C. -at the rear leads to the front hall. Double doors L.C. open on the parlor. In the watt L. there is a door opening upon the ve- randa of Act HI. This door has a rather large window on each side of it. There is an en- trance to the kitchen in the right wall. A round table in the center of the room; a sideboard at the back, between the two entrances. There are an armchair and a footstool R. There are other plain chairs in the room. (NOTE. Act IV: If played in one setting, MR. SCHOFIELD comes out of the house at rise of curtain, calling: "PENROD, PENROD!" He switches on the veranda light to give more illu- mination for the comedy scenes, then goes to barn R., knocks his shins on the wheelbarrow, which he angrily takes from the barn and places R.C. for SAM to sit on during his scene.) DISCOVERED: As the curtain rises, the room is empty. Half an hour has elapsed since the end of Act III. SAM READY MR. SCHOFIELD. (Is heard somewhere off R.cJ Penrod ! Penrod ! Where are you, Penrod ? (He enters at the door R.C., visibly much perturbed mopping his face) Delia! Where in blue blazes is everybody, I'd like to know? 102 PENROD 103 MRS. SCHOFIELD. (Enters R.) Henry I Did you find Penrod? MR. S. Find him? No; and I've been all over the house. Where did you go, Mary ? MRS. S. Over to the Williamses. MR. S. What for? MRS. S. Because we left Sam here with Penrod when we went to the party MR. S. That's so ! MRS. S. And I thought perhaps Sam would know something. MR. S. Does he? MRS. S. I thought you had better talk to him. (She goes to the door R.) Come in, Sam, dear come in. (Returns to L. of SCHOFIELD. ) (SAM enters slowly and fearfully; he has evidently been hurried away from his home, for his jacket is only half on and his shirt unbuttoned. As he encounters MR. SCHOFIELD'S stern look, he wilts visibly.) MR. S. Uh! Ah-h! MRS. S. (Low to MR. SCHOFIELD j He was in bed with half his clothes on. MR. S. (Low to her) They've been up to some deviltry, Mary. MRS. S. Mr. Williams has an attack of sciatica and Mrs. Williams couldn't come. MR. S. Urn! (He turns back to SAM; Well, Sam what do you know about this business, eh ? SAM. (Standing at L. corner of sofa) Sir? MR. S. (R.cJ Where's Penrod? SAM. {Swallowing with difficulty) Why I MR. S. Answer me ! I said where is Penrod ? SAM. I know. MR. S. Then where is he, if you know? 104 PENROD SAM. I mean I know you said that. I didn't mean I know anything except what you said when you were sayin' that, Mr. Schofield. MR. S. When I was saying what? SAM. What you just said a minute ago. MR. S. You seem to be confused. SAM. (Meek) No, sir. MR. S. Well 7 am, then. Now look here, Sam, you know what happened. SAM. Well, I know what happened once or twice yesterday I know what happened f'r instance and some other times MR. S. Wait! Let's get things straight. Mrs. Schofield and I were at the party, and she telephoned over here to see if everything was all right and the telephone didn't answer and she got alarmed, so we started home to see, and just as we got to the cor- ner we heard a loud explosion that Mrs. Schofield thought was a pistol shot (SAM starts) and when we got here Penrod was gone. Now, speak up. Were you and Penrod using firearms? SAM. (Stuttering) Uffuffire ar 7 wouldn't touch any ole sword or a spear or a MR. S. I mean a gun. Did you and Penrod have a gun? SAM. There was some boys out in the country once it was about seven miles from town MR. S. I'm not talking about farm life. I want you to say whether SAM. Well, those boys wanted me to shoot a gun at a hen and I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't shoot a gun at anybody. I mean at a hen. I wouldn't shoot a gun at all. MR. S. Then you and Penrod weren't playing with SAM. It wasn't anything Penrod and I had anything to do with We never touch any- thing like that, or anything like that, or anything. PENROD 105 MR. S. Or anything like that. Listen! We left you here with Penrod, Sam, didn't we? SAM. Let's see you mean just before you left? MR. S. What did you do after we left? SAM. Me, sir? MR. S. You and Penrod. SAM. (As if concluding and agreeing that an epi- sode is closed) Yes, sir. MR. S. (Quoting him) "Yes, sir" What? SAM. Yes, sir, I was. MR. S. You were what? SAM. I was here then. MR. S. (Moaning) Oh, Lord ! Grant me pa- tience. (Goes up to back and down again.) MRS. S. Now, Henry, be calm. MR. S. Well, what did you and Penrod do then ? SAM. We just stayed here. (Not here I don't mean. We were out in the yard ; we weren't in here.) (Note. Cut lines in parenthesis if done in one set.) MR. S. What did you play? SAM. ^(Frowning and scratching his head, trying to remember) We were just kind of talking. MR. S. "Just kind of talking." Look here ; was Penrod here when you went home? SAM. Me, Mr. Schofield? MR. S. No! Penrod! Was he here when you went home and got into bed with your clothes on? What did you do that for? SAM. Me? MR. S. What did you go to 'bed with all your clothes on for? SAM. Well it's kind of easier to undress after you go to bed that way. MRS. S. (Mourning such a lie) Oh, Sam ! SAM. (Earnestly) Yes'm, it is. I like to do it that way. MR. S. Go to ; bed first and undress afterward ? BELLA READY 106 PENROD SAM. Sort of. MR. S. (Despairing) "Sort of." Satn, you did it because you knew somebody'd be over there to question you about Penrod. SAM. (As if it had suddenly dawned on him) Oh, you mean about Penrod ? MR. S. See here ! Now, once for all. You tell us exactly what happened after we left here. SAM. "Well MR. S. Go on! SAM. Well, I'd know exactly MRS. S. Sam! SAM. Well we sort of talked and everything- and Penrod he sort of talked some and I talked some and he said he guessed he'd go on over to the grocery and buy him an orange or something and MRS. S. Oh, Sam! MR. S. The grocery isn't open after seven o'clock. Sam, you're deliberately trying to f BELLA enters L. Comes down to c. back of table.) DELLA. Well, may I never die in sin, but that's the last time I'll ever believe a telephone. MRS. S. (L.) Where have you been, Delia ? BELLA. I started for me sister Katy's, because that devil of a telephone told me she'd busted two ribs an' a leg. God save her ! MRS. S. Bella! MR. S. What! BELLA. An' it ain't so. Sure Katy met me on the corner as large as life an' gave me the laugh when I told her. MRS. S. Was Penrod here when you left, Bella ? BELLA. He was so, ma'am, an' Jarge was to get Minnie Shea to come over; isn't she here? MR. S. No! BELLA. Look at that now! Faith, I suppose PENROD 107 Jarge has seen a fire, or a dog fight or a murder an' has forgotten what I told him sure an' I'll take a stick to him one of these days. (She exits at the door R.) MR. S, (Over to L.) I'm getting so confused I MRS. S. Now, Henry, begin all over again! MR. S. Begin all over again ! Where were we? (Comes over to SAMJ Oh, yes. Sam, you told us Penrod went to the grocery for an orange and we know the grocery isn't open after SAM. No, sir. He said he was goin' to the drug- store to buy him some lickrish. root. (^MARGARET heard sobbing off L.) MR. S. I'm positive you said he went (Breaks off) Oh, for heaven's sake, Mary, go in there and tell Margaret to stop crying. I can't think! Tell her Penrod isn't dead! MRS. S. She isn't crying about Penrod. She's crying about Mr. Bade. (SAM, in utter horror, makes for door R.) MR. S. Well, tell her to stop. (MRS. SCHOFIELD goes off L. MR. SCHOFIELD catches SAM) Here, what's the matter with you? (Runs over and brings him back to sofa.) SAM. Nothin'. MR. S. Sit down. SAM. Yes, sir. MR. S. (To MRS. S., who returns) What on earth is she crying about Mr. Dad e for ? Wait ! Don't tell me. Tell me later. If I try to think about anything else now I won't answer for my mind or for my conduct either! (Taking chair from R. of table and sitting) Sam, you said Penrod went to the drugstore to buy him some orange root SAM. No, sir, I said he said he b'lieved he wanted lickrish root, he said but after a while he said he guessed he wouldn't. 108 PENROD MR. S. Well, SAM. No, sir, he never went over there at all, and if you don't believe me you can telephone the drug- store man and ast him. I guess he'll tell you, and then I guess you'll believe me; Penrod never went near the drugstore at all. And if you don't believe me you can ast - MR. S. Hush! (Pressing his hands to his head to concentrate his thoughts) Listen! Forget all about what happened before Penrod really went away. Now he did leave the place, didn't he ? SAM. {After a pause) Yes, sir. MR. S. (Turning to MRS. SCHOFIELDJ Ah well, you heard him say where he was going, didn't you? SAM. Well, he said he was goin' for lickrish root - MR. S. (Jumping up) But he didn't go for lick- rish root! You've already told me that, Sam. Where did he say he was going when he did go ? MARGARET READY SAM. (Pausing) Sir? MR. S. You heard me! SAM. Yes, sir. Well he said he guessed (Quickly) he said he guessed he'd go to bed. MR. S. But he didn't. SAM. (Quickly) No, sir, he just said that. MR. S. (To MRS. S.) He just said that. SAM. Then he went on out in the alley and looked for a nickel he lost out there last week yesterday, I mean or, let's see, was it the day before, no, yes- terday and then he came back in the yard - MR. S. Sam ! We haven't got all night ! You'd better - SAM. Well he wanted some more matches to look for his nickel and he didn't like to look in the PENROD 109 house for some, because there wasn't anybody home MR. S. (To MRS. SJ That's right, there wasn't. SAM. So he said he remembered he saw some matches over in Georgie Bassett's back yard the other day ; and so he said he guessed he'd go over there and get 'em and so I was kind of kind of tired so I went on home and went to bed. MR. S. So, according to you, Penrod's probably still over in Mrs. Bassett's back yard hunting for some matches to hunt for a nickel with! Well, I think that's (Louder sob from MARGARET off c.) Won't you please ask Margaret to postpone her troubles, till we can get at least a clue to where Pen- rod is ? (MARGARET enters c.) MARGARET. (To center front of table) You needn't worry ! I know where Penrod is only too well! MR. S. (Testily) You do? Then in the name of Jee-hosaphat, why didn't you tell us? (Puts chair back R. of table c.) MARGARET. Penrod's wherever Mr. Bade is ! SAM. Oh, my! (Unnoticed, he tries to edge around the right end of sofa.) MR. S. What d'you mean, Penrod's wherever Mister (Turning and seeing him) Sit down, Sam. (SAM sits) Well, where is Mr. Dade ? MARGARET. {Choking) I d-don't know! He left me he jumped he jumped he jumped MR. S. I'm about to jump, to jump, to jump, to jump, myself! What is all this? Why didn't you say MARGARET. You and mamma were making such a fuss about Penrod and I've been trying to get control enough of myself Mr. Dade jumped he jumped he jum i io PENROD MR. S. Yes ; he's jumped now ! Go on ! MARGARET. For days and days Mr. Dade's been getting nervous more and more nervous anybody could see it but I never dreamed of taking it seri- ously till to-night and after we got to the party we were sitting in that little glass conservatory at the Trimbles and he began to start and twitch and act so queerly and he saw I noticed it and he told me those two awful darky boys from our alley had been hanging on to the car he'd hired for this eve- ning and they'd been following him for days and days and so had Penrod and Sam yes, you did, Sam they all just followed and hounded him he said and made the most horrible noises wherever he went and he couldn't get away from 'em and his his nerves were just going to pieces and then, oh, then they did! MR. S. Did what? MARGARET. Go to pieces. He was looking out of the conservatory through the glass, and all at once he seemed to see something, and he turned right round and jumped out of the Trimbles' hall window into a flowerbed. MRS. S. Oh, mercy ! Did he break anything? MARGARET. (Fiercely, turning and going down to her) Mamma! What does it matter if he broke any of their old flowers or JARGE READY MRS. S. {Protesting) I mean his arms or legs MARGARET. No! I saw him running away in the darkness and I was so upset, I ran on home, myself ! (To SCHOFIELD, driving him to R.) Now you see what Penrod's done. He's set these other boys to hounding poor Mr. Dade like that Heaven knows what for and think of the mortification, it being my own brother, and they've brought him to PENROD in another nervous breakdown, if he hasn't lost his mind! I just know it was . . . Penrod Mr. Dade saw hanging around outside the conservatory over there and that's why MR. S. Wait! (Turning to SAM.) Penrod was hunting for matches over at Mrs. Bass MARGARET. And wherever Mr. Dade is now, you can be perfectly sure Penrod's following him. And I'd just like to know what you're going to do about it, Papa. You were hoping to have some business things with him, but he won't feel very much like it if your own son drives him to a nervous break- down now Papa, when Penrod comes home (Backing SCHOFIELD over to sofa.) MRS. S. I'll tend to that. ( MARGARET goes up crying) Sam, you said SAM. Penrod wasn't anywhere near any ole ob- servatory. I was with him all the time and we thought Mr. Dade was was was MR. S. (Sitting beside him coaxlngly) Yes, yes ... You thought Mr. Dade was what? SAM. I mean : we thought Mr. Dade was out out riding or somep'n. MR. S. (Jumping up in despair) Oh, murder ! MARGARET. Papa, if you don't punish Penrod MRS. S. If we can only find him! MR. S. Now, wait, wait, please. We've got to get to the bottom of this, if it's got a bottom (Interrupted by JARGE enters R., closing door after him.) JARGE. I thought I'd jist be tellin' you MR. S. {Turning on him savagely) We don't want you, Jarge we're busy here. You JARGE. (Strongly) Listen ! MR. S. (Exasperated) Listen to what? DELLA, PENROD and DUKE READY ii2 PENROD JARGE. (Down R. of sofa) I was on me way home it's a nice little room I got at me boardin' house (Moan from MR. SCHOFIELD J But I wasn't there yit, I was only on the way to ut, and just thin I was passin' by the freight yards, but I wasn't thinkin' annythin' ye might speak of by that I don't mean I was thinkin' anything improper only havin' nothin' in me mind at all if ye catch my meanin', Mrs. Schofield I had nothin' wrong in me mind ow'n' to havin' nothin' at all in it. MR. S. (In one plaintive breath) Oh, for the love of Mike, either go on or go away ! JARGE. (Over to SCHOFIELDJ Well, I see ye understand how it was, ma'am, and here all of a suddint I see himself a-comin' out the freight yards, so I ast um the question, an' he says he wasn't, so I says "Ye better," I says, an' he said he wouldn't do it an' I says "Ye will, too!" "I won't!" he says. "Ye will !" I says. "I won't !" he says. "I'll see if ye won't," I says, an' I just hooked me fingers under the collar of him an* give him a drag MR. S. (Despairing) Oh, mercy! Who? JARGE. An' I hatta drag um ivery step the way except once we slid a little on somethin* or other, but I niver lit go, and he's here now an' Delia's got him right here wid me right here, ladies and gen- tlemen! (Up to door R.) ALL. (Except SAM) Who? JARGE. (Throwing open door) Nobody but him 1 (BELLA, PENROD and the dog DUKE are seen in door. They discharge PENROD into the room. PENROD dusty, dishevelled.) ALL. Pen rod ! MR. S. Penrod Schofield! Somebody take that damned dog away. (JARGE takes DUKE and exits with DELLA R., closing door.) Sit down! Right PENROD 113 there! (PENROD sits E. of table and exchanges^ a nervous look with SAM.J Now, we'll have one in- terview, Penrod Schofield, and a little while later we'll have another in the back room upstairs ! Where have you been, Penrod Schofield f PENROD. Me ? MR. S. (Wailing sound) Oh! PENROD. Why, I was just standing out there with Delia while Jarge was talkin' to you. MR. S. Where had you been before Jarge found you at the freight yards ? PENROD. (All nervously) Me? (Sees it won't do and goes on hastily) I mean I was well first Sam and I played around here in the yard a lit- tle while we were playin' hi spy. SAM. Playin' hi spy! MR. S. Playing hi spy. PENROD. And then and then I said, "Well, Sam," I said, "let's go in the house and read awhile," I said, and so weMid. (Another glance at SAM, who repeats "and sbe did," ) MR. S. And so we did! And then what ? PENROD. And then we came out again. And I didn't notice much what became of Sam just then. SAM. Mamma called me (Glance at PEN- ROD.J PENROD. Oh, yes, his mother called him. SAM. And I went home and went to bed. PENROD. And he went home and went to bed, but / thought I better walk out to the new park and see if there was a band concert goin' on or any- thin' MR. S. Was there? PENROD. Sir? MR. S. Was there a concert? PENROD. I don't know, sir. MR. S- You just said PENROD. Well after I walked awhile I changed H4 PENROD my mind. After I started I got to thinkin* about about school beginning again two or three months from now and what new schoolbooks I'd haf to have. (Glances at SAM.,) SAM. Yes, sir, what new schoolbooks we'd have to have. MR. S. Hold on, Sam, you were at 'home in bed. BELLA READY SAM. (Starts) Oh ! PENROD. So I thought I better go on down town and ask at the book stores if they were goin' to keep those books when September comes, so I went down and I went to one store and it was closed all up and so I went to another store and it was all closed up and so I went to another store, and it was all closed up, and so I went to another store and MR. S. (Shouting) And IT was all closed up! In the meantime, Sam says you were hunting for matches in Mrs. Bassett's back yard, Jarge found you over by the freight-yards, and your sister says you were haunting poor Mr. Dade ! PENROD. (Ghastly) Ow! MR. S. But you say you were looking for school books! (Goes up In despair.) PENROD. Y-yes, sir. Now you know all about it MRS. S. (Lamenting) Oh, Penrod ! MR. S. (Coming back, prosecuting attorney man- ner) Now I've got just one last question before we retire to the back room upstairs ! I want to know about firearms! (Both boys start.) DELLA. (In doorway R.J Indeed ye do, sir! And I guess I've got the inf armation f er ye ! {Down R.Cj MR. S. What information? PENROD US DELLA. (Producing revolver) Me an' Jarge just found this out in the back yard where I guess thim two dropped it, an' it's got one shoot out of it ! MR. S. (Taking it) Ha ! Now, did you ever see this weapon before? Speak out! Penrod, did you? PENROD. (Shrinking from it) It's not mine, Papa, I cross my heart, and I wouldn't touch it for a million dollars. I cross my heart fifty times I wouldn't, Papa! MRS. S. I'm sure he wouldn't Henry. MR. S. Sam, did you shoot this revolver? SAM. (Shrinking) I cross my heart fifty times I didn't, Mr. Schofield. MRS. S. Give the terrible thing to Jarge, Delia. Tell him to throw it in the canal MR. S. Here, Delia ! SAM. (Involuntarily) It's papa's! MR. S. Ha! Ha! So you did fire it! It was you two who VERMAN READY AT WINDOW PENROD. (Hastily in agony) We didn't mean to kill him ! (MARGARET screams, MR. SCHOFIELD utters loud exclamation, "What!" DELLA goes out R.J MRS. S. (Sinking into chair "L.) Now it's assas- sination ! PENROD. Oh, golly ! MR. S. (Desperate; goes over and puts revolver on table center) Now, we've got it ! It seems that Penrod was following Mr. Dade to the Trimble conservatory and hunting matches at Mrs. Bassett's, and looking for school books at the freight yards, all at the same time, and while doing so he was out in our back yard shooting a stranger, who is probably ii6 PENROD now at the City Hospital just coming out of ether long enough to tell the police about it. (Crosses down L.J MRS. S. Oh, Henry ! MR. S. (Fiercely) Were you speaking to me? DELLA and BOB READY MRS. S. Oh, Henry! MR. S. Don't Henry me ! I'm either out of my mind or I'd prefer to be ! (Up L.C. and back) Only one thing is left clear to me; this boy doesn't take after my side of the house! We've never had any slaughterers among the Schofields. VERMAN. (At -window Lj Oh Hade humped, he humped how o' wimmow ! Horge B. Haspuh, ole Hade he hun away ! MR. S. What's that? MARGARET. (Center back at table) It's that aw- ful Verman trying to tell Penrod what he did to Mr. Dade. MR. S. I'll show him. (He goes to window. VERMAN yells and flees. To PENRODJ Now, what have you got to say to that? PENROD. What was it Verman said, Papa? MR. S. How do 7 know what he said? / can't understand him, but Margaret says he said PENROD. Why, she doesn't know. She isn't half as smart as you are, Papa. MRS. S. Now he's trying to flatter you, Henry. Oh! BELLA. (At door R.J Mr. Robert Williams is here. MR. S. (Hysterically) Aaah! Probably he's come to tell us that Penrod spent the evening study- ing law with him ! (Bos enters at the door Rj PENROD 117 BOB. (Back of sofa) Good evening, everybody. Well, it's all right. (They all stare at him blankly) I thought you might be worried, so I dropped in on my way home to tell you it's all right. MR. S. (Blankly) Is it? BOB. Of course, sir! It's a mighty lucky thing though I didn't happen to go to that party because if I had I wouldn't have met him. MARJORIE READY MR. S. Met who, Robert? BOB. The fellow that was shot at MR. S. Shot at ! BOB. Why, yes ; in your yard ! MRS. S. Ah! Assassination! (Covers her face with her hand.) BOB. Oh, he wasn't hit, just scared. MR. S. You mean that someone was shot at BOB. So he said ! That's what sent me out to the street on the run. MR. S. Now my patience is gone. (To L. of table) This is infamous. Penrod MARJORIE. (Is heard off L.J Mr. Schofield, Mr. Schofield ! (She enters breathlessly L. to L.C .) Oh, 'scuse me, but but my papa's comin* an' an' he wants to talk to Penrod. MR. S. He does? MARJORIE. Umh-umh! It's all about that old crook. MR. S. (Glaring about the room) Crook ? Have we all landed in Bedlam to-night? MRS. S. (Up) What do you mean, Marjorie? MARJORIE. Why why I told papa everything that Penrod told me. MR. S. Penrod, eh? Well, what did Penrod tell you? MARJORIE. All all about that scoundrel Dade. JONES READY ii8 PENROD OMNES. What? Dade! MR. S. Did Penrod call Mr. Dade a scoundrel ? MARJORIE. Oh, yes, indeed! And and he said this old crook Dade stole horses an* an' got folks to to sign papers an* get all their money an' papa says he's got to see Penrod, an's he's comin' here now with a policeman. MRS. S. (Feebly) With a policeman? Henry! (Sinks into chair L. again. MARGARET goes to her, then goes up and works to back at table c.) MR. S. I hear you ! This is the last straw ! (Sinks into chair L. of table) It's the end of us in our own town. MRS. S. (Feebly) I'm sure I don't know where Penrod gets these strange ideas. MR. S. (Grimly) Not from my family. MRS. S. Oh, dear! MARJORIE. And the policeman said he wanted to see Penrod, too. (Goes to MRS. S.) MR. S. Of course he does. MR. JONES. (Enters L.) Good evening. Saw the light here and didn't take the trouble to go to the front door. (Down L.C.) MR. S. It's all right, Jones. COOMBS READY JONES. Penrod here? MRS. S. Yes, Mr. Jones. JONES. (Seeing him) Oh! Well, Penrod You certainly did it this time ! MR. S. Marjorie has just been telling us. JONES. Strange thing for a boy to do. MR. S. He gets it from his mother's family. JONES. Well Penrod (There is a pause) But perhaps I'd better let Mr. Coombs, our Chief of Police, talk to you ! OMNES. Chief of police ! (PENROD and SAM exchange a look.) PENROD 119 JONES. (He goes to the door L.) Right this way, Chief ! ( SAM takes up a hassock near sofa and, lying down on sofa, buries his head under it.) MR. COOMBS. (Enters at the door L. He is in white uniform) Good evening. Where's this boy Penrod? fScHOFiELD rises weakly, shakes hands with COOMBS and indicates PENROD, then passes over at back towards R. PENROD drags himself to his feet, his knees giving away. COOMBS comes down) Urn! Penrod Schofield. Eh? So you're the boy. Well I want to shake hands with you. (Takes PENROD'S hand. There is a tremendous sensation as they hear this.) MR. S. What? (Coming down R.cJ MR. COOMBS. Because you were the only one wise enough to see through this Dade. OMNES. What ! MARGARET. (Back of table c.) What about Mr. Dade? MR. COOMBS. {Smiling at them) This Dade party is in bad. Some people would like to see him. Specializing in phoney checks, beating hotel bills, and working stock jobbing schemes on small coun- try bankers. Nothing important. But we thought it about time to look him up. BOB. (To cover MARGARET'S embarrassment) Well, this is the greatest surprise to me. I thought Mr. Dade was a fine fellow. I took the greatest fancy to him from the start. ^MARGARET gives him a look of gratitude.) MR. S. You really mean it, Chief? MR. COOMBS. I certainly do ! Told you he was going to form a company, didn't he? 120 PENROD MR. S. Why yes! MR. COOMBS. That's the way he worked it in Des Moines and other places. Then he'd cash in and flit. We found that out as soon as Mr. Jones asked us to look him up. I'm sorry he made his getaway. MARGARET. From the party MR. COOMBS. That's right, Miss. Two of my men trailed him to the Trimbles to-night. We were going to arrest him, but MARGARET. He jumped out of the window ! MR. COOMBS. That's right, Miss. BOB. Do you think Dade was a pal of Tim, this other crook, Chief? MR. COOMBS. Maybe! MR. S. What other crook, Bdb? BOB. The one that tried to rob your house to- night. The one I caught. MRS. S. Henry! MR. S. (Anxiously) Rob the house ! And I had twenty-five hundred dollars upstairs. (Goes toward door L.) MRS. S. Why you said MR. S. Didn't want to make you worry, Mary. BOB. Well, he didn't get anything. The shot scared him. MR. S. Shot ? (Then turning with a broad smile to PENROD as it dwwns on him) Penrod shot at him. MR. COOMBS. No? SAM. (Throwing down hassovk and sitting up) With my father's revolver. MR. S. (Throwing out his chest) My son, Pen- rod Schofield, Chief. MR. COOMBS. Shake hands again, little son. Mr. Schofield, you ought to be proud of this boy. MR. S. I am, Chief ! He's Schofield all over. MR. COOMBS. He's a wonder, and yet he seems to b" 5 a regular, every-day boy. PENROD 121 MR. JONES. Well, I was going to hand Dade my check for five thousand dollars, but when Marjorie told me Penrod said he was a crook and would get me to sign papers, I began to be suspicious and called on Mr. Coombs. MR. COOMBS. Well, I'm glad we went after Dade and looked him up in time to save your money, Mr. Jones, but I guess the credit's got to go to this little man ! (There is a subdued exclamation from everyone^ Sitting L. of PENROD J But what I want to know is how the little man did it ? PENROD. <( Puzzled) Huh ? MR. COOMBS. What made you suspect this fel- low Dade ? (There is a pause.) MRS. S. Tell Mr. Coombs, dear! MR. S. Tell him, my boy ! PENROD. Well MR. S. Yes, my boy ! PENROD. Papa and mamma said Mr. Dade was a horse thief ! MR. S. Why, I never said anything of the kind. PENROD. Yes, you did, Papa, yes, you did ! MRS. S. (L.) Oh, yes, you did, Henry that day of the pageant don't you remember we were joking ! MR. S. (Laughing) Oh, yes ! MR. COOMBS. And what else made you suspect Dade, son? PENROD. Well? (They all bend forward ex- pectantly.) MR. COOMBS. Yes? PENROD. Old Dade acted so in love with my sister Margaret, I thought there must be somepthing wrong with him. (There is a pause; they ALL laugh.) MR. COOMBS. (Rises) Oh, you can all laugh, but you don't understand this little man ; I do ! MRS. S. What do you mean, Mr. Coombs? 122 PENROD MR. COOMBS. He isn't going to give his hand away ; not much. He's got his own way of detecting and he isn't telling anyone. And that's right, we plain clothes men always do that. Here's a sort of a medal I had made to give to the best Boy Scout and I'm going to pin it on you. (He does so) There ! Whenever you're down town, drop in at Police Headquarters and see me. You're a born detective, and a credit to us. (Salutes) Good evening. (He exits L. with a nod to everyone.) (There is a murmur of conversation as the crowd exits. In this movement, BOB and MARGARET come close together. MARJORIE goes to table upstage and writes something, then comes down beside PENROD with it in her hand. NOTE. // played in one set MARJORIE has note already written.) WARNING CURTAIN MR. S. Say, Bob (He pauses as he sees that BOB is oblivious of him and that MRS. SCHO- FIELD is making frantic gestures to him from the doorway R.C.) Oh! Of course the party of the first part. (They exit L.) JONES. Well, good night, Penrod. (He slips something into his hand. PENROD looks at it very pleased.) BOB. (Looking down at MARGARET ) Margaret ! MARGARET. Yes, Bob. BOB. I wonder if I can run over in the morn- ing r MARGARET. I I shall be on the porch read- ing or something all the morning. BOB. All the morning. Oh! Say, Penrod! Here's a quarter don't you think you and Sam could take all the morning spending it? PENROD. Much obliged, Bob, but I don't need it! PENROD 123 MARGARET. Don't need it? PENROD. No! Ye see Mr. Jones gave me five dollars. (Shows the bill) ('SAM jumps up amazed. BOB is going R.) MARGARET. Bob, perhaps I'd better go as far as the gate with you. BOB. All right, Margaret. (They exit R.) SAM. (Stretching as he comes over) Well, I guess I got to go home and go to bed again. My gory, Penrod, I would like to be you. MARJORIE. (With a gentle sniff) Yes, Sam. I guess you would. (She is L. of PENROD.,) PENROD. Well, if you were me, you'd be pretty well mixed up, I tell you. SAM. G'night. (As he gets to door R., turns) Wee-o-kee. (Business of counting dollar bills with his fingers and showing that he means to go halves with PENROD) See you in the morning, Penrod. (TENROD holds up bill and does business of cutting it in two. SAM exits Rj MR. JONES. (Seen off L.) Come, Marjorie! (Goes.) MARJORIE. Yes, Papa. Penrod! PENROD. Yep ! MARJORIE. Read this ! ( She puts a folded note into PENROD'S hand and exits Lj PENROD. (Opens the note, which is carefully folded in the shape of a cocked hat. Takes a blue bow out of it and looks puzzled. Reads) "You're my (Looking at it and holding it up) 'bow!! (A smile comes over his face.) (MR. S. enters L. with MR. S.) i2 4 PENROD MR. S. Now, Penrod, I just want to ask you MRS. S. (Putting her arms about PENROD,) No, Henry, he's mother's own brave hero and he isn't going to be questioned any more to-night. (PENROD yawns.) See, he's tired and sleepy! You aren't going to make him walk upstairs, are you ? MRS. S. I should say not ! Come on, little son ! (He picks PENROD up in his arms and goes up to door R.C. with MRS. S.) MRS. S. (Snaps off lights, single spot through door R.C.) Our boy, Henry! MR. S. (Fondly) He reminds me of myself, Mary, when I was his age ! CURTAIN 1st Curtain Penrod, Mr. and Mrs. S. 2nd Curtain Penrod, Sam and Marjorie. 3rd Curtain Penrod. 4th Curtain Penrod. CURTAIN PROPERTY PLOT ACT II Pruning shears. Newspaper. Furniture in house as in Act. I. Letter in envelope. Three or four rugs. Three cigars. Two boxes of matches. Sign painted on 'barn door as follows : "George B. Jasber, Detectitife Ofice." Wheelbarrow with box on it to form a desk. One cracker box. Wooden paper weight. Wooden telephone. Lantern to light. Five wooden automatic revolvers. Sheet of paper. Detective badge. Blue print of cottage. Dog. Ball of yarn. Sample of yarn. Storm effect. Four 25-cent pieces. ACT III Paper-covered book. Phone (practical). 125 126 PENROD Box of flowers, done up. Bundle of roses. Card in box of flowers Motor effect. Fuller's earth. Doughnut (to eat.) Two door keys. Plants and flowers around house. One in box to knock over. Two Colt revolvers (sure fire). One 25-cent piece. (Act III runs 23 minutes.) ACT IV Parlor furniture. Writing material. One Colt revolver. Dog. Medal. Hassock. Five-dollar bill. Letter. Ribbon bow. (Act IV runs 30 minutes.) UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. DAN 51983 THE REJUVENATION OF AUN The famous comedy in three acts, by Anne Warner. 7 ma females. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays This is a genuinely funny comedy with splendid parts for "Aunt Mary." "Jack." her lively nephew; "Lucinda," a New England ancient maid of all work; "Jack's" three chums; the Girl "Jack" loves; "Joshua," Aunt Mary's hired man, etc. "Aunt Mary" was played by May Robson in New York and on tour for over two years, and it is sure to be a big success wherever produced. We strongly recommend it. Price, 60 Cent*, MRS. BUMSTEAD-LEIGH. A pleasing comedy, in three acts, by Harry James Smith, author of "The Tailor-Made Man." 6 males, 6 females. One interior scene. Cos- tumes modern. Plays V/t, hours. Mr. Smith chose fot< his initial comedy the complications arising from the endeavors of a social climber to land herself in the altitude peopled by hyphenated names a theme permitting innumerable complications, according to the spirit of the writer. This most successful comedy was toured for several seasons bv Mrs. Fiske with enormous success. Price, 60 Cents. MRS. TEMPLE'S TELEGRAM. A most successful farce in three acts, by Frank Wyatt and William Morris. 5 males, 4 females. One interior scene stands throughout the three acts. Costumes modern. Plays 2J4 hours. "Mrs. Temple's Telegram" is a sprightly farce in which there is an abund- ance of fun without any taint of impropriety or any element of offence. As noticed by Sir Walter Scott, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!" There is not a dull moment in the entire farce, and from the time the curtain rises until it makes the final drop the fun is fast and furious. A very exceptional farce. Price, 60 Cents. THE NEW CO-ED. A comedy in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of "Tempest an'd Sunshine," etc. Characters, 4 males, 7 females, though any number of boys and girls can be introduced in the action of the play. One interior and one exterior scene, but can be easily played in one interior scene. Costumes modern. Time, about 2 hours. The theme of this play is the coming of A new student to the college, her reception by the scholars, her trials and final triumph. There are three especially good girls' parts, Letty, Madge and Estelle, but the others have plenty to do. "Punch" Doolittle and George Washington Watts, a gentleman of color, are two particularly good comedy characters. We can Strongly recommend "The New Co-Ed" to high schools and amateurs. Price, 30 Cents. (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request FRENCH'S Standard Library Edition Includes Plays by Booth Tarkington 1 Hartley Manners James Forbes tames Montgomery Wro. C. de MUle Roi Cooper Megro* Edward . Rose Israel ZangwUl Henry Bernstein Harold Brighouse Channing Pollock Harry Durant Winchell Smith Margaret Mayo Edward Peple A. E. W. Masofl Charles Klein Henry Arthur Joset A. B. Thomas Fred. Ballard Cyril Harcourt Carlisle Moore Ernest Denny Laurence Housmaa Harry James Smith Edgar Selwyn Augustin McHugh Robert Housum Charles Kenyon C. M. S. McLellan French's International Copyrighted Edition con- tains plays, comedies and farces of international reputation; also recent professional successes by famous American and English Authors. Send a four-cent stamp for our new catalogue describing thousands of plays. SAMUEL FRENCH Oldest Play Publisher in the World 28-30 West 38th Street, NEW YORK CITY Clyde Fitch William Gillette Augustus Thomas George Broadhurst Edward E. Kidder Percv Mac Kay e Sir Arthur Conan Boyje Louis N. Parker R. C. Carton Alfred Sutro Richard Harding Davis Sir Arthur W. Pinero Anthony Hope Oscar Wilde Haddon Chambers Jerome K. Jerome Cosmo Gordon Lennox H. V. Esmond Mark Swan Grace L. Furniss Marguerite Merrington Hermann Sudermann Rida Johnson Young Arthur Law Rachel Cr others Martha Morton H. A. Du Souchet W. W. Jacobs Madeleine Lucettc Ryley I A 000029375