v>v THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD ENDOWMENT FUND PURSUITS OF AGRICULTURE; A SATIRICAL POJEM, IN THREE CANTOS. WITH NOTES. Quit tarn ferreus ut teneat sc ? Jov. SAT. 1. When thing* so very queer and new Are gravely (wallowed as if true, In ribs of iron that man must Be hooped, who does not laugh or burst. INCERT. AUCT. CANTO THE FIRST. LONDON: PRINTED FOR JOHN JOSEPH STOCKDALE, No. 41, PALL-MALL. 1808. Price 2s. Qd, Iff *K C. Barter, Printer, Fleet-street. TO ALL THE MEMBERS, ORDINARY AND EXTRAORDINARY, OF THE NORFOLK AGRICULTURAL SOCIETY, AND TO ALL OTHER PHILOSOPHICAL AND SCIENTIFIC AGRICULTURISTS OF NICE PALATE, KEEN APPETITE, WIDE SWALLOW AND STRONG DIGESTION, THIS DISH OF PUFFS, - DRESSED BY THE MOST APPROVED RULES OF FASHIONABLE IS MOST RESPECTFULLY SERVED UP (THOUGH WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION) BY THEIR DEVOTED SERVANT, AND SINCERE ADMIRER, THE AUTHOR. 764397 PREFACE, MY Rr.\r>E!i is already aware that my Poem is not gravrlv didactic. But let liim be as- sured, that I have strictly adhored to historical truth. Not a single topic is touched, .-which has not been either published with official sig- natures, in newspapers or otherwise, or been circulated by rumour in such general cur- rency, and with such incidental and unde- signed confirmations from authority, as to leave no doubt of general correctness, if peradven- ture, some slight shades of difference in unim- portant particulars should exist. In short, the figures are faithfully copied, and the colour- ing only is my own. Truth being thus effectually secured, why may I not be allowed to laugh ? At the im- portant objects professedly aimed at by the So- cicty, I do not, for I can not, laugh. At the strange unsuitableness of means to ends, at their affectation of science, at the queer no- velty of some of their discoveries, at the pro- found gravity with which they talk nonsense, O PREFACE. and at their egregious gullibility, I do laugh, because I cannot help it. But I am not there- fore to be deemed an adversary. If any fair means were found, to check those flashes of ir- regular genius, those flights of bold enthu- siasm, those presumptions of sanguine zeal, which men of great abilities and strong ima- ginations, intermix in matters of patient en- quiry and plain practic, so that nothing but * what is really and intelligibly useful were left certainly a man who contributes his best to so great an improvement, whether in prose or in rhyme, in merriment or in sober sadness, is no adversary, but rather a friend and ally. I therefore do not attempt to recount methodi- cally all the labours (or, if you will, the sports) of the Society, I make a selection of such pap- tit ulars, as best suit my purpose, and seem most capable of poetical embellishment. Po- etical fiction is altogether out of the question. Nothing can go beyond (at least I can ima- gine nothing beyond) actual and undeniable facts; which I have merely invested, not at all disguised, in ludicrous diction and imagery. FREFACE, 7 I cannot but wonder, that the Public has not been treated with a laugh of this sort be- fore. Certain it is, that these things have long been subjects of private, why not of public niirtlr? Better late than never. I renture to call forth the laughers. Among them, I confidently reckon on some, who though for reasons best known to themselves, they are members, have " noses that can smell a hoax," (N. B. I quote myself) and will laugh as heartily as any body. If I be thought too pre- sumptuous, in thus standing foremost, let me be superseded by an abler leader ; and I will contentedly and merrily follow him. Only let the laugh go round. I should have been glad to do, and should still be glad to see any body else do, much bet- ter. If I could have given a higher zest to my cookery, it should have had it. But what was a man to do in such a case, who has none of the genuine Attic salt ? Why, make as good a substitute as he can. If the salt of wormwood which I have used, be not altogether so agree- able to some palates, it is, I believe, a great deal 8 PREFACE. \vholesomer than the other; and has been found very beneficial in low fevers, as they are called, with a proper affusion of lemon juice, or other pleasant acid, so as to produce a brisk in- ternal effervescence, extremely cheering and exhilarating to the languid patient. It is proper, I think, to add one observation. I had entitled my Poem " Pursuits of Norfolk Agriculture/' On my submitting it, like a discreet poet, to a critical friend, he insisted on my striking out the name of the County ; for that Agriculturism is every where so similar, that a fair sample is a sufficient and legitimate representative of the whole ; that if my topics be all Norfolcian, it is no more than a due pre- ference of so great an agricultural county ; and that certainly no persons whosoever can be better entitled to the complimentary distinction of handing ray sample into the market, than the members of The Norfolk Agricultural Society. PURSUITS Of AGRICULTURE. CANTO I. WHERE, Muse of Nurfolk, tell me where, Aloft, below, on earth, in air, Dost thou elude thy votary's search, And leave me thus forlorn i' th' lurch : Unfit to travel toilsome distance But much in need of thine assistance ? To save my steps, hie hither quick, Let me lay by my hat and stick ! Thou sportest not on that soft brink Where heaps of stuttles* steam and stink, * Stuttles.^ Our provincial name of the little fish more generally called tb itickle-back. 10 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. And make old Ouse as smooth as glass Well-oiled, our grand emporium pass, Where porters swear, and fish-drabs scold, And aldermen turn * coals to gold. which is used as manure, and carried many miles from the Ouse. Its name, in the Linncean system of Nature, is Gasterosteus aculcatus ; and some Ichthyologists have made its essential character to consist in having only three bran- ehiostegous radii; which one would think a sufficient criterion/ but others deny that it is so. For my part, I do not care two-pence who are right. I am happy to give this use- ful information to the young farmers who will read my Poem. If they would profit by the labours of the Society, they must learn to call every thing belonging to agriculture by its proper name. The Society always expresses itself officially in correctly scientific and syste- matical language ! * Coals.~] And if they havedone no more, what have they done but turned the colour of their Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 11 Nor on the wide well-scampered heath \Vhere hares and greyhounds pant for breath; dirt heaps from black to yellow ? King Midas, as every school-boy knows, had the faculty of turning whatever he touched to gold ; and was much envied for it. But people altered their nlinds, and thought it a very grievous annoyance, when it appeared that the poor man could not eat his mutton and drink his wine in comfort. This is a fine instructive fable. I wish some aldermen, and some others had read and understood it. Really, a man who sees little of the world, but reads, hears, and reflects a good deal about it, feels a strange jumble of discordant emotions, of pity, con- tempt, and indignation, at once whimsical and painful, when he compares those who seem fit to possess riches, but have them not, and those who contrive somehow or other to get them ' B 3 12 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Nor in the near * sport-loving town, Where mother Ceres looking down,f Her full-fed sons delighted sees Bargain for barley, wheat, and peas. Nor near that obelisk so grand In central town of Dumplin land, * Sport-loving. ~] Proofs of this love of sportt abound. First, the Races ; then, the Coursing meetings; now, the Agricultural meetings, not the least sportive of the three. f Looking down.'} The goddess can certainly see nothing in the market-place, for she is fixed (and the position is surely an odd one) with her back to it, and has not the faculty of retrospi- ciency, which, of all the heathen deities, is at- tributed to Janus only. However, she looks full upon the White Hart, which, I presume, is enough to save the Poet's credit, and even gives a more present and pointed propriety to his compound epithet in the next line. Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 13 Once famed for her militia drill, Now for cheap dancing* and quadrille. * Dancing.^ Perhaps this allusion may not be generally understood, and may be mistaken for a sneer, which it is not. The times compel us to put our amusements, as well as every thing else, on the cheapest establishment. The fact is, that a few sociable families of this pleasant town, and neighbourhood, meet now and then on a winter's evening at a public room, and amuse themselves, the elder with a pack of cards, and the younger with a fiddle, at the in- considerable expencc of a shilling a head. These meetings are extremely agreeable. There is certainly good sense in such a plan, and there must be good management too to support it. As to quadrille, I do not know that they play it more than others ; but they do play it, and certainly at the entl of this line the poet muit necessarily prefer it to any other game. 14 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Nor can I hear thy tuneful voice Amidst the hubbub; crowd, and noise, Round the dread steep*that scares our county Terrific pledge of regal bounty! AVhere loyal justices as bound In duty, lay out many a pound, To do th' old mount deserved honour, And prove how they revere the donor. O vagrant ! had'st thou stop'd thy course But for an hour, to bait thy horse * Steep ~] The keep of the ancient castle Of the JSigods, the Norman Earls of Norfolk, which for many centuries has been used as the county gaol, and held of the Crown ; but under the Talent- Ministry was granted to the ma- gistrates. They receive the royal boon with the respect due to the grantor ; and, in so do- ing, will bestow a very magnificent ornament on our ancient city ; an ornament which will not improbably endure, when the agricultural meetings, now held at the foot of the hill, and which have given occasion to this of it, will perha} s be forgotten ! Id 1 ACRKLLTUUE. At one of these, or town or city,* Troth 'twere a wonder, 'twere a pity, But thou had'st heard warm supplication For thy propitious inspiration, To celebrate in worthy strains Those vigorous and judicious pain-. Design 'd to make old mother Karth Huge litters yean at every f birth * City."] I trust the Norfolk reader will readi- ly recognize, by its characteristics, every one of the places dignified by the session of the So- cicty ; and that I shall not be reduced to the mortifying necessity of printing names in my future editions. The learned reader will of course judge whether I have properly reduced tp the scale of ray subject, the much admired and often imitated passage of the first Id) Ilium of Theocritus. f BirlhJ] The process is simply this procure one " huge litter" by any means, no matter how much out of the course generally practicable an account of it say nothing of the ej- 16 PURSUITS OF [Canto Of all God's creatures mend* the breed- Contrive strange ways to starvef or feed travagant absurdity of your process, but sub- stitute any thing which will sound better take your forced produce as an average for ' one write cc every" the business is done the improvement is madeyou get your prize probatum est. * JMend Ihe breed.~] In case animals be of unpleasing colours, inelegant shapes, in- harmonious proportions, &c. all such mis- takes may be rectified by judicious cross- ing, &c. with very great cost indeed and much time and difficulty; but all well be- stowed in points of such grave importance to the eyes of curious judges. If these nice researches proceed, as it is to be hoped they will, through a series of successive improve- ments, I by no means despair of seeing na- tural and true-bred specimens of some of those creatures which have hitherto been supposed monstrous or fabulous; that blue boars will I.] AGRICULTURE, 17 And by inventions meritorious* Make our famed land of turntps glorious. be exhibited at cattle-shews, and that cow with six legs and perhaps two dugs will be proved to be the best stock of that kind. f Starve or feed, page 16.] One is some- times strangely puzzled to determine which of the two is really meant! of such doubt- ful cases, however, we cannot speak now. Of feeding, one certain instance is cele- brated and accounted for in this Canto. Feeding with a vengeance ! I hope the fashion is going out ; but I should really tremble at what is comino; in, if I thought it could pos- sibly be a taking fashion in this land of plenty. Changes of mode are, I presume, always from one extreme to another ; so, now the shcrp have been super-gorged, our horses, it seems, are to be put on a starvation-regimen ; to which we are tempted by a premium of no less a sum than twenty pounds ! a very strong in- ducement, in these dear times, to try tricks on twenty good horses ! I wonder whether it v. ill 18 PURSUITS OF [Casio I. But ere too hastily I enter On rash and perilous adventure, be claimed. In case any ea^er aspirant for fame should determine to venture, I would by all means advise him to procure a proper number of collier's tits from the north, to make the experiment on. They are certainly a sort of animal materially different from the stately geldings of a good Norfolk team though we are not told so in the late ac- count of Cumbcrlajid wonders. * Inventions meritorious, page 17.] This is the established official, or rather judicial, term, always used in the adjudication of pre- miums. Sec the Reports of Transactions. For instance the saddle of a Southdown shear- ling, blown up within a few months, by rank forcing food, to four inches of soft oily frowzy fat, over one inch of flabby and vapid flesh, filling a dish to the brim with grease, and not a drop of gravy, is extraordinarily \ ho sang " de statu ante bell um:" with a reasonable proportion of fine mellow fat, and the dish full of delicious gravy has no " merit" at all ! Not that it is denied to be much better food but then upon the ne\y system, it has no " merit." Do you ask a rea- son ? Nay, better not. Though " reasons -,vere as plenty as blackberries/' not one should you get. It is an axiom of the new school, that Norfolk sheep, ( prove what you will in their favour) have no " merit." * Bard."] In the praise of this powerful satirist, and in the pride with which I claim him as our couutryman, I demand the concurrence of all my Norfolk readers, who have read and relished 20 PURSUITS OF Canto I. Vying with him, I dare not think on I ! scarcely fit to hold his ink-horn. But he, the proffer'd task might scorn, For subjects yet publimer born ; Most favoured of our tuneful race. Twice gifted* by thy partial grace, 1 ' * - ,' - ' ; his admirable poem Elijah's Mantle his severe- Jy and justly sarcastic Uli Possldctis and S talus Quo, by no means forgetting An Episcopal Charge strong caustics f where caustics are much wanted, if not with any reasonable hope of cleansing the " incur ata ulcera" of men callous to shame, yet at least with that of mak- ing them feel, I warrant he has made them feel a most uneasy tingling! * Gifted ~] Here I call upon those who have seen that invaluable series of etchings and en- gravings, interspersed occasionally with short pieces of poetry, keenly satirical and correctly moral, which constitute a history of the domes- tic politics of this country for almost forty years. I believe the very few complete collections of them are in private hands, and justly valued a Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. SI He only hawks at noble vermin Fur-clad in sable or in ermine;* a rare treasure. If they be not republished collectively, which might surely be done to great advantage in every sense, it is to be wish- ed that one of them at least were placed in some public repository, that it may go down to posterity, as a proof of excellence in that particular department of the graphic art, in which the English are, I believe,, allowed to be particularly eminent. The subjects are in- deed fugitive, many of them are already al- most passed into oblivion; but some short ex- planatory notes, with reference to the occur- rences of the times, would sufficiently recall and preserve them. Less explanation would- ,', than has been bestowed on Hogarth ; and very many of them deserve it full as well. * Ermine J\ The beautiful and elegant auimalff which bear these names, and are so mucbr valued for their exterior, arc yet, as Naturalists insist, to be numbered with the weasel tribe; and under 22 PURSUITS OF [Canto I To me, 'tis much if he allows, The poor dexterity to mouse. So then ! the task is left to me ; But where begin it ? Let me see Two brother-poets* wrote two odes About the praise of men and gods; And after some neat modest stammering, On this, and that, and t'other hammering, Not that it signified a penny Which they took first, took hold of any; Set off full-drive, and with a flounce Plunged in the very midst at once : And so do I. The members sate Engaged in bumpers and debate. some circumstances, must be reckoned as ar- rant vermin as their nasty congeners, the stoat?, and polecats ! * Brother-poets. ~] They were lyric not natu- ral brothers. No kin at all in any sense to our Poet so that can be no clue to find him out by. Indeed there is no reason to suppose they have any relations now living. Their names were Pindar and Horace. ('.into I.] \r.Kiri;r/ruR. A letter comes from whom ? from whom - Huns eager question round the room. I'rom him of years and honours full,* ( i rand searcherf of Mtrino wool. Illustrious simpler ! who could brave The terrors of th* *-lnt arctic wave ; * Full.'] Very full indeed! brimful ! Pr-s-d-nt of the R 1 S-c-ty, Kn-ght of the B-th, Pr-vy C--nc-ll-or. All, no doubt, on the strictest principle of quantum ineruit. But the wor- thy President of another learned society,, who has very strong pretensions of the rcrr/ same kind, gets ho higher than his chair. I won- der what is the reason. f Searcher.] It is not to be understood fhatSir J-s-ph holds in commendam with his. other ho- nours, that of a custom-house officer with this title. But it is very well known, that his cog- nizance and presidency, are us indispensable in all pastoral consultations at W r, as in those of another kind at S-m-rs-t house; and much more so, than his presence and assistance, at other* of a nature still different, at St. J-ru--'i! o* [Canto I. Turn round that dread promontory, Which men inhabit ten feet high ; And thence, on new-found islands hurl'd, On the off-side of the Nets) World, Pick shells and corals from the shore, And weeds he never f>ick'd before ; Fleas non-descript, which ne'er till then Had tasted blood of English men. With so much pains, 'tis past a doubt He found all Nature's secrets put, And for such labour and such merit Was thought the fittest to inherit, The chair* where NEWTON, once to great/ Our nation's other glory, sate ! ! ! * Chair. ] Sir J-s-ph is undeniably a learned and a venerable man. His profound and accu- rate knowledge of every thing that in any way relates to Natural History; the liberality with which he throws open the invaluable stores of his matchless library and museum; the cor- dial reception he gives to all who have any claim (and in some instances very slight < .llltO I.] AGHlCtLTl 25 Still to exalt that exultation, lie is appointed in this nation, claim) to literary qualification ; the frankness, so characteristic of true science, with which he communicates his extensive knowledge; and what is more valuahle thai; all, the sound in- tegrity of his personal character, deserve un- stinted commendation. But whether the science in which he is super-eminent, stands high enough on the scale of sciences, or whe- ther the other particulars enumerated, are of a proper nature to entitle him to the exalted chair he occupies, are questions which it does not become me to answer decisively. I cannot help doubting, where thousands more doubt, and where hundreds, at least, positively deny. I am not at all conciliated by the Pr-s-dent's well-known declaration, that the French Insti- tute is (t the first literary society in the world." What say the fellows? lam not a fellow but I am an Englishman ; and though a very inconsiderable one, I feel a lofty indignation. c PURSUITS OF [Canto I. By all the powers that bless our ploughs, Fields, gardens, swine, sheep, horses, cows, By the great shepherd of Amplirysus, Who with benignant aspect eyes us, Flora, Pomona, and old Pan, The nymplis* so very fond of man, By whatsoever qualifications, and with what- soever propriety, the Pr-s-dent was seated, this dishonourable concession was disqualification enough to have unseated him, by the most summary process possible ; and to have sent him to be door-keeper, hall-sweeper, or candle- snuffer, to the fungous society which he so uncharacteristically flatters. * 'Nymplis.'] Not the nymyhOberea, the South Sea Calypso (see her amorous epistle to the fu- gitive Opano} nor any of her attendant train of Pacific Nereids ; but the Dryads and Naiads of Great Britain, who are very chaste virgins, and (as to their love of man) are philan- thropic, not philandrous, like the nymphs of Otahdtc. Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 21 Ceres, and Pales, who her sister is,* Grand hierophantf of all their mysteries ! But see that learned member stands The learned letter in his hands * Sister /s.] If it be objected that Ceres and Pales are not sisters in ancient mythology, all I can answer is, that the more is the pity; and that if the Greeks had understood and practised the Norfolk husbandry (which, in my opinion, Hesiod has clearly proved that they did not ) they certainly would have been so. With us, the powers of tillage and of pasturage must ne- cessarily be in the very nearest degree of con- sanguinity. As a Norfolk mythologist, I there- fore take the liberty of placing them so. t Hierophant.^ Sir J-s-ph's presence seems to be so indispensable in all agricultural as- semblies, in town and country, that he must certainly be regarded as Chief Hicrophant, if he be not venerated as the Magnus Apollo of Agricvltiirism. 28 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Grave as a frolic fair at christening, In mute attention I stand listening, How little plants, call'd parasitic,* Make wheat-straw weak and paralytic ; From substance cellular emerging All from position central verging, * Parasitic. ~] Certainly no ridicule attaches to Sir J-s-ph for using scientific terms. He was addressing himself as a naturalist, to persons whom he supposed to have science enough to understand him. That could not possibly be the case with such an assembly. To them, therefore, lie would not have used such terms; and if his letter was to be so communicated, it was but justice to him that the learned com- municator, should take the obviously necessary precaution of translating his philosophical Attic into Norfolk Doric. Indeed here seems to have been a strange departure from the re- gular and useful formalities of public meetings. The letter ought certainly to have been re- ferred to a select committee of the most learned Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. How iiny fungi on a glume Vital humidity consume; ( What mischief comes of things so small ! ) In scries longitudinal, They pop their heads through gaping pore* Like ghosts theatric from trap-doors ; Of orange hue or chocolate, With rapid growth they germinate. Each is imperforate -no awl Could drill a hole so very small. There then! 'tis all in verse enveloped As handily* as could be well hoped. members, furnished with a copy of Johnson's Dictionary, in order to crack the hard words, previous to general communication. * Handily. ~\ Indeed it seems so, and to say the truth I am rather vain of this feat. Have I not done a thing at least as " handy " and to as good a purpose, in making these rough and hard words hitch in verse, as if I had packed up a hod of brickbats snug and close in my cloke-bag, like so many clean shirts and cravats ? 30 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Soft plaudits followed every line ; Some gently whisper 'd, ee how d d fine!" But many an one, methought, look'd queerly, As if he understood not clearly ; Ready to mutter,, if he durst , " If this is English, I'll be curs'd !"* tr Put, put the question, take our votes ! " Bellowed in concert threescore throats, f" Five hundred copies must be taken, " Send]] an account to Mister Bacon. * Curs'd^] As a man in some play says ; I forgot what play. But it is no matter. I am afraid the phrase is somewhat profane ; but really it cannot be helped. Such thing's are enough to make the gravest men curse and swear or laugh I prefer the last. f Five hundred copies.^ The Society is profusely liberal in circulating copies of -valuable communications. A late letter on Cumberland wonders, (scared as \ve are with portents, it is well for us there were no Lancashire witches ! ) has been given, I presume, in a much larger edition. Nay Canto I ] AGRICULTURE. 31 " At once t' instruct and to amuse c< Poor men who read his weekly news. indeed, I have seen two editions, one on hand- some quarto post-paper, the other on whity- brown. I have nothing further to say of this at present. It will come hy and by in its turn. Another instance however, which ought to be mentioned, I shall not have so good an opportunity of mentioning. It is Mr. Kent's letter on leases, of which I sup- pose " five hundred copies have been taken, "at Jeast. I am so happy as to possess one. Most assuredly the worthy veteran in agriculture was not obliged to dip very deep in his rich stores of real knowledge and experience. It seems to have been skimmed off the surface. Very little is to be found in the letter which might not be seen, with " half an agricultural eye" It was written a short time before the ex- pected presentation of a superb silver vase, hon- ourably deserved by Mr.K., and liberally given by the Norfolk farmers. If, at such a time, Mr. 32 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. ef No doubt they will be mighty glad " Of what can't otherwise be had; K. chose, or was expected to make a commu- nication to the Society, how could he have hit upon a better topic than that of long leases, with the episodical praise of generous land- lords? It is a positive refreshment to one's bowels, and a cordial to one's heart, to read how comfortably " the most generous of all " landlords" eats, drinks, and chats, with his " independent" tenantry. Indeed, I cannot help thinking that I see a little sly inuendo in one place, though upon the whole, Mr. K. is very commendably grave. He says, that he has been " amused by the inquiries, and in- fc structed by the communications of the So- " cicty." Both, I do not doubt. They must have told him, what he never heard, thought, or dreamed of before ! I cannot forbear lengthening this note, long as it already is, to express my high satisfaction, that at the presentation meeting a.t Norwich, Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 33 " 'Twill save them many pounds a year, " Mildew is now made out so clear ! i\\c farmers carried the original motion against the proposed amendment in the inscription. The vase was certainly the gift of the farmers. They were the original proposers and sub- scribers. On that ground rests the honour of giving and receiving it. Some other persons, no doubt, subscribed, but their subscriptions were incidental, and for various reasons. It was nei- ther necessary nor proper to use the vague de- nomination "friends of agriculture/' in order to include them. I was not present ; indeed it is several years since I was present at any meeting of the Society. Never since the in- troduction of guinea tickets ! It is too much ! JIalf-a-guinea indeed, a man might not scru- ple to give now and then lor a good laugh a much better than he could get for the same money at the opera house. But a guinea is extravagantly dear ! 1 am told there was a great deal of entertainment in the discussion 34 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. " But pray, good Mr. Secretary, " Be sure you ask them many a query* of this knotty question ; especially in the dex- trous efforts of a certain gentleman well known for his slippery volubility of utterance, and inanity of meaning, to avoid being flung out. He called himself a brother farmer, on the strength of having occupied fourteen acres of land since last Michaelmas, so oddly circum- stanced, that he despaired of making one rent of it ! A more impudent claim of brotherhood was surely never made ; except between two certain animals in one of Esop's Fables, which I would rather my readers should recollect than call upon me to quote. Those who were pre- sent will understand this note ; and the gen- tleman whom the cap fits may put it on. If he should think it does not sit quite becom- ingly, let him do what many people think would become him a great deal better than any of his late speechifyings. Let him cover it with his professional wig. " Gratiano Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 35 " About th' attention they've conferr'd on " These points they never yet have heard on. " Such judgment is unprejudiced, " By no wild theory enticed. " Poor simple honest home-bred fellows ! " Just what they know they'll freely tell us." Oh! fair advancement of true science, Most worthy of complete reliance ; What vast improvement must be made By this progression retrograde ! " speaks an infinite deal of nothing more " than any man in all Venice." No matter. Nothings sometimes fall with great weight from under great wigs. J Send, p. 30.] It was accordingly sent ; and in the same cramp words in which it was read at the meeting; to which were added many like words, and an express declaration, that it was meant for the benefit of those, whose only channel of information is a weekly newspaper. The benefit must materially depend on their being able to understand it ; and how far that could be the case, let the candid reader judge ! 36 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Teachers are taught,* the learned want Ttie knowledge of the ignorant ! * Query, p. 34.^ Yes, there was a plenty of queries; some about eradicating the " orange- coloured" and chocolate-coloured" plants; (of course so as not to damage those of a better complexion) some about the wholesome and nutritious quality of the mildewed straw ; and some about I really forget what else. How- ever, I had my laugh at them while they lasted, so that perhaps I am no loser by the treachery of my memory. Seme things, indeed, will bear a laugh ten times repeated, but not these- Nay, I am afraid twice is too much. * Taught.'] The mode of instruction adopt- ed by the Agriculturists is Socrattc ; with this difference indeed, that the questioning sage al- ways saw exactly what point he meant to come to ; but the Agricultural querists are avowedly in the dark, groping about to collect what they very gravely call facts, that is, any varia- tion or embellishment of literal truth, which Cailto I.J AGRICULTURE. 37 Our sober grandfathers,* I trow, Talk'd not of what thev did not know, ignorance, self-interest, or mischievous drollery may prompt. On these choice materials they reason very profoundly, and cobhle up theories. I cannot help noticing one curious instance. Some few years ago, in a season of scarcity, not at all abated by the calculations of ^Agri- culturists on half-crops and quarter-crops, a question was proposed from high authority to a certain Board, as to the best mode of bring- ing old grass land under the plough and re- storing it again. The Board very honestly avowed that it could not tell, but promised to enquire. Five hundred pounds were voted in premiums for this precious purpose ! A shrewd countryman of our's (who had certainly never turned his mind to the most effectual method of spoiling good land) thought, however, that he might as well try it upon paper. He did go, and acquitted himself so cleverly as to gain a handsome premium. And why not ? The 38 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Nor fancied they could construe well Words they could neither read nor spell ; prizeman is a very clever fellow; no doubt laughed in his sleeve at his success ; and will laugh at this note too. Whether his plan was ever followed I do not know. Probably not ; for while so many wise heads were laid ( I am fcorry I cannot say, knocked) together, the scarcity, by God's blessing, disappeared. I have heard it observed, that great agricultural societies are as open to a hum as little agricul- tural societies. But I will hope better things. * Grandfathers, p. 31. .] I cannot help figur- ing to myself how these old fellows would have stared if a string of queries had been pre- sented to them ! Not a word of answer would they have given. That is certain. If they had been called upon to club their quota of hypothesis, and to take their share of the ha- zard of experiment, they would have laughed outright. In short they were shy old cocks not to be caught with chaff", however nicely it Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 39 By sound experience they were led, Till something sounder still instead Was reasonably proved, not prated, Exemplified, not calculated.* had been stewed. But we have permanent and still existing proof (and be it perpetual ! ) that they were convincible of the utilily of hew practices, and willing enough to accept their share of ascertained benefit. They have left their mantles behind them. * Exemplified not calculated J] For in- stance, find by actual weighing or measur- ing, as the case may be, the produce ot ]-40th of an acre, 11 yards square. Reckon from that to the whole acre ; and from that again to 50 or 500. It is plain, that if any error exist in the assumed datum, it must become very important indeed in the result. Now, with due deference to more accurate and prac- tised observers, I cannot but think, it would be matter of extreme rarity, to find any single acre, in the common course of cultivation, on any farm, which runs so level, as to make this a 40 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. Thus TOWSHEND* gave the master-key T" unlock the stores of husbandry ; wife basis of calculation. I am persuaded, that if into any such acre, fairly chosen, two persons equally qualified were sent, one, whose object it was to bring out as large, and the other as small a result as possible, each with free choice of his l-40th, their accounts might vary in very considerable proportions; insomuch that the one might be to the other, as 4 to 3, as 3 to 2, or even as 2 to 1. This would never do for actual practice, though it may be very convenient for those ingenious gentlemen who are employed on what they re pleased to call agricultural surveys of coun- ties; and who collect their materials by ftrings of queries, or by rapid glances as they scamper through their allotted district, in a few fine summer days, and on roads extremely pleasant for gigs ! I have seen somewhat of the proceedings of these intuit ire gentlemen ; and have occasionally wondered at their not ] AGRICULTURE. 41 Who, like Triptolemus of old, Froin clods made rustics gather gold. being able to see through some of the answers they get to their queries. I think I risque nothing in saving, that Mr. Kent's survey of Norfolk is the best of them all, because grounded on actual knowledge. Yet we wanted another it sennas! but of all agricultu- ral reports whatsoever, those from the parishes of Scotland, collected and published by Sir John Sinclair, have been deemed thebest. They are in general well written, clear, simple, practical, and intelligible. In short, the col- lection of them is a very valuable work; but of how much greater value would the worthy Baronet's labours have been, had he, instead of destroy ing theoriginal communications of the parochial clergy, from whom his work was derived, classed them in their respective shires, bound them up, and deposited them in the Library of Advocates for general inspection, particularly as it is one avowed fact, that a 42 PURSUITS OF ffcanto I. Friend patriarchal to our county ! Still as we taste, we own, thy bounty ; considerable, and not the least important, part of those communications was altogether omitted and consequently lost. There is no doubt we might have as good in England, if the same obvious and judicious plan were adopted. But it never will be. The agriculturists mistrust the parsons ; and I am inclined to think that the parsons are quit, and very rea- sonably mistrust them. * Townshend p. 40.] Every man who considers, and at the same time comprehends, even in an imperfect degree, the present beau- tiful and curious system of tillage on light lands, commonly called the. Norfolk husbandry, every part of which is so nicely connected together, so inseparably coherent, so mutually dependent, so consecutive ajtid co-operative, and all essentially dependent on the culture of the turuep, must look back with sentiments of veneration to the great benefactor who in- Canto I.J AGJUCULTVKI:. 43 Nor sufler tinkers,* when it fails, To pick thy lock with rusty nails. troduccd that golden root. Every one who considers, that> without that system, or some- thing fully cquivalc?it to it, a great portion of our county, especially of the western parts of it, must be given up to sterility and desolation ; and that in many, perhaps in most other parts of it, the produce would contribute not a quarter of what it now* does, to that amazing aggregate stated by the intelligent and judi- cious (and I believe accurate) Mr. Kent, will agree that it is not too much to call Secre- tary Toixnahcnd, the introducer of the turnep, a patriarchal husbandman. I will not call him an agriculturist. No such nonsense au much practical use, that their Owners would do very foolishly indeed, to set about improving them, by snuffing up the airy fantasies of their agriculturistical friends, They might even as well attempt it by study- ing tl'e celebrated treatise of the profound Sluiikenbur&ius ! But they will do neither Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 47 Who aay, " let him believe who lists " These hums of agriculturists.* Right, my honest masters! never scruple, to follow your own noses. * Agriculturists} I confidently give this as a fair and true representation of the language, not of stupid, stubborn, prejudiced, indocile, boors, but of men of great good sense, shrewd observation, and correct judgment ; men ra- tionally reluctant to give up experience for speculation; men soberly satisfied to be reput- ed what they are; not cajoled by the insidi- ous harangues, or by the specious and fallaci- ous familiarity of their superiors, to fancy them- elves what they are not, what they cannot be, what nobody really thinks them. $ome men of the sound character I have represented, may indeed seem to acquiesce in new-fangled spe- culation. They may have very prudential rea- sons, which I have neither right nor inclination to inquire or to conjecture. But I do say that they acquiesce without approving. It is 48 PURSUITS or [Canto I. tf Their brassicas* with names so cramp, Cf For ought we care., may all go tramp. all semblance. Some 'may in pretence, and in part, and still for a valid reason, actually adopt what they believe to be no better than vagaries. Some again may communicate some detached parts of thir own masterly practice; but can they be induced to disclose all, to develope their system in all ils bearings and results? No., indeed; and for this very plain reason. Husbandry is not to them a liberal science, which they are disinterestedly desirous of pro- moting and diffusing, on philosophical and philanthropic principles. It is their trade, and a gainful one. And is it not the very first les- son taught to every apprenticed boy, that the secrets : of trade are to be kept ? Is it not a maxim that those which relate to profit, are especially to be concealed from all who have an interest, and might find means to intercept some part of it ? More of real fact might be got, at half a score farmers' ordinaries, if a Canto I.] AGRicuLTtmr. " Till tlif'y have proved by fact, not letter, " That something else will atiswt-r better, landlord could be present at them effectually disguised, than could be drawn out by ten rci.ns of ijucries, and by as;ricit!i:tr(il meetings and cattlt-thciis held day after day for a year together. In short, farmers an4 agriculturists ( and, as goodmanZtogforn/ says, I desire to put farmer first) do not understand one another. The farmer indeed docs understand the agri- culturist (so far as he is intelligible) but the agriculturist (boast as he will) does not un- derstand tlii' farmer. * Brassicas p. 48.] Brassicapolyinorplut, brassica F,ongyloides, words very sonorous and significant, to those who can pronounce and derive them. Then there is hoi karabbi, or kol krabbi, or skrabbi, or skabbi, or something else, I know not what ; of which nobody that L can find, pretends to know either orthography or etymology. But it is of m> consequence. Howsoever spelled or compounded, it must b 50 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. tf Sooner set hogs to tread the goaf,* " Than disannul the old white-loaf ! ," As for the mildew, we'll endure it " Unless they teach us how to cure it. " Then about sheep here's such a fuss ! " What are their shire-bred sheep to us? ff Better improve our own by half, tf Than jestf or threaten, curse^ or laugh. equally useful and intelligible to cultivators of turneps in general. * Goaf] A few words are used here, which, though intelligible to all Norfolk readers, are perhaps not so to others; if I should happen to have any. The goaf is the unthreshed corn in the barn ; the white-loaf is a much approved variety of the turnep ; tlve word disannul is a great favourite with such persons as the sup- posed speaker ; shire-bred means bred any where but in Norfolk or Suffolk; all other counties being by a Norfolk-man collectively called /7k? Shires. Canto I.] APICULTURE. 51 " A hundred pomids to hire a ram !' " 'Tia all u humbug, all a flam ! f Jest p. 50.] Some great wits are so un- merciful in their jocularity ! Two or three years ago, a most munificent premium was of- fered for the best Norfolk ram; but it was all a joke it seems, and understood to be so. No Norfolk farmer was such &Jlat as to produce one. And then, forsooth, the jest lay in this, that ten times as much as would produce a ca- pital Southdown, could not draw forth a good Norfolk ! Most ingeniously facetious ! J Cwrs-~p. 60.] It has been said that a irrif great man has wished, and even toasted, the annihilation of our native breed of sheep. I do not believe it. He is too just to condemn untried, though he may have reasons, satisfac- tory to himself, for not trying at all. Besides, he is too profound and too humane a politician to declare any war of extermination. I do be- lieve, however, and am sure, that one of his tenant? once gave that toast, and supposed him- 52 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. 'Rich lords of land may take that fancy; " But how a farmer should, I can't see, " Unless 'tis to obtain great favour " By very dutiful behaviour, <( And what he so pretends to pay " Conges back with interest some bye way.* self complimentarily retailing the sentiment of his ef beloved landlord." I am satisfied there was some mistake in this affair ; and I think- this was it. This respectable and well-mean- ing " independent yeoman/' not being yet suf- ficiently skilful in the familiar use of the hard words he has been learning from his teachers,, supposed that this long-tailed and smooth- sliding term " annihilation," must mean some sort of experimental improvement, * Ram ! p, 51 .] Aye ! and a moderate rent too, in comparison of some wild instances, which I am afraid, ashamed, or unable to name ; but they are upon record. * Way^] And by direct ways too. Long leases and low rents, as Mr. Kent well observes, Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 53 " Thus *tlie great shepherd's wise opinion " Prevails through all his wide dorainiou ; are excellent things ! one very beneficial effect of them is, that they enable " independent yeo- men" to go to balls and clubs in their post- chaises and curricles, to dress up a couple of booby clodhoppers in shreds of red and yellow, to lay in pipes of port and madeira, and give two courses, with fish and turtle-soup from London. In short, to adopt all the extrava- gance of luxury, and all the foppery of fashion. Such things are ! tcwpora f Behold the farmer dwindled to a beau ! How far the general interests of society will be promoted by thus enabling the " peasant to gall the courtiers' kibs," will be seen if the hu- mour lasts. We all know already, how far the comfort and well-being of rural society are promoted by it. * TV] The denomination is well chosen. As a judge of sheep, I believe, 110 man dis- &4 PURSUITS OF [Canto L ' For hisfree vassals* it may do, (C But, neighbours, not for me or you. putes the palm with this well-known gentle- man. It is his appropriate praise. It is al- ways lamentable to see great judgment warped and bewrayed by an undue love of system, and a bigotted attachment to favorite notions. To Lave a breed of sheep improved by great pains and cost, best suited to his land, in the greatest number, and under the best management, is surely high praise to a great landed proprietor, almost constantly resident on his own domain. Let him, by all fair means, endeavour to ex- tend to all similar cases, the benefit he has pro- cured to himself. The endeavour. is public- spirited, and worthy of such a man. But it is utterly unworthy of him,, to strive by any means, and by all means, to thrust it in where it can- ot be received ; to extend it indiscriminately to all cases like and unlike, fit and unfit. I must take leave to make an addition to this uote. As I seem to hate divided all Canto I.] AGRICULTURE:. " Spite of their braggery and puff, " Old Noriblks will serve well enough keepers of cattle and tillers of the ground into two classes only, it may be reasonable to ask in which of the two I place The Man of Norfolk.' I shall not record against myself a convictioa of such extreme ignorance, arrogance, teme- rity, or prejudice, as to deny that I have seen indubitable and very uncommon marks of good husbandry, in my occasional and passing views of his enormous occupation. I must at the same time profess, that I have seen very many things for which my common sense cannot ac- count on any principles of calculable profit. I shall add that I have chanced to meet the bailiff, and that he is a very sensible man. Some agriculturists, I know, leave routine bu- siness to such a trusty hand, and reserve the vagaries only to their own peculiar cognizance. It may be so here. I know not that it is. Jt" it i? not, and if one great pervading mind s\ar 56 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. tc To dung our sands unless indeed f They prov that some outlandish breed * e *Are hardier, and can farther ramble te To pick scant food, or nimbler scramble, tematizes these discrepant parts, and makes them move accordantly in one plan, all I can say is, that t have no clue to unravel such in- tricate repugnancies, that I must leave this great man to constitute an entire class by him- self and say Ncc viget quicquam simile aut secundum. That is, my friends the farmers, there is no- thing like him, and nobody is second best ! * Vassah p. 54.]] A denomination .ex- actly equivalent to " independent yeoman." With this phrase we are well nigh choked. I therefore wish my synonym to be substituted. * Are hardier^- -This enumeration of the qualities of sheep, necessary to the culti- vation of a great part of our county, is unde- niably true and correct. It is the language of Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 57 " With strong bare legs and bellies high, " Through brakes, broom, furze, heath wet or dry, sound and wellexperienced/arwers; who have not caught the itch of self-importance, nor been debauched by the rank lust of innovation. What is founded in Nature, will not be finally oveEcorae by artificial system. Norfolk sheep will continue to " scramble through brakes " and broom," as long as brakes and broom continue to grow on Norfolk soil ; and they will eat " And ewes to make new-fangled crosses; what respect better ? That being such as they are now become, they are better for the lands on which they are bred and pastured, than those from which they are descended, is not denied. That they are also better, on some and on many farms, than our own native breed; and that more of our lands might be improved to a fitness to receive them, is also conceded. No man of good judgment will either deny their local, and even extensive, excellence, or wish for their indiscriminate adoption. Let the advocates for them then rest satisfied with an ample concession of relative superiority. To contend that they are positively, essentially, and unexceptionably superior, is to talk non- sense. Nonsense which may be upheld by its abettors, for various reasons, and those who contradict it may be outfaced for a season. But at length Nature which is consistent Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 59 " Tliea we'll adopt a nicer taste " * Nurfulks their ugly horns shall cast, and immutable, will prevail over changeable and capricious fashion. Those who under* stand Nature best, know that she will accept assistance, but will not submit to force. What- soever any man may be disposed, or may by flatterers be encouraged, to expect, he will never be able to immortalize himself by such an attempt ; for it can be preserved by ridicule alone, and ridicule is seldom of very long du- ration. * Norfolk's] This shrewd husbandman touches the true point very sagaciously. He does not say, after all, that he will annihilate but improve his Norfolks. I wish heartily he would set about it, without loss of time. Yet I am afraid h would be with great loss of pains and cost too, unless he could raise a party. While parties are in force, it is not very easy to get counterparties into effectual 60 PURSUITS OF [Canto I. " And we'll bestow, with many thanks, " A lick of white-wash on their shanks." Wise Nature makes, the wise maintain, Nothing superfluous or vain. Would she could teach her handmaid, Art, To practise as discrete a part ! And not poor harmless sheep oppress With such enormous loads of grease, Nor follow such expensive plans For deluging of dripping-pans. Alas ! what tantalizing meat Too dear to buy, too fat to eat ! 'Tis an odd way to make a plenty, That one should eat enough for twenty,* action. Well ! we must have patience. " Om- " n&tm rerum vicissitude," as the almanac maker says. In the meanwhile, we will hope for better times and better mutton ! I might as well say at once, better members and better joints. * Twenty*] Societies may lay down what CantO I.] AGRICULTURE. 61 And then, per contra, that a score Of full-gorged wethers, yield no more Of what is neither fat nor bone, Than one old mumbling toothless crone. The do^-star rages ! see they run Sweating beneath the noon-day un. Some curious sight must urge their speed Curious and filthy too indeed ! Seest thou yon sturdy swelter'd lubber Staggering beneath a load of blubber ? AVhat is it? take a nearer peep; Can'st thou not guess it ? a prize sheep. All is so level, smooth, and sleek, For head, legs, tail, in vain you seek. What do you sae that man can swallow?* One narrow stripe 'twixt bone and tallow. rules they please for feeding prize cattle ; and may believe, or affect to believe, that they are observed. But it is most certain, that ani- mals arc not brought to such an unnatural state, but by artificial means. * Swallow] I haye once, and only once, 62 FURSUITS OF [Canto I. All else, once food for watering lips Must now fill troughs to make long dips.* seen a joint of prize mutton on a table. It was at an invitation dinner and meant for a great treat. I have heard, (and I know something) of being attracted " nidorc culinte." The force upon this occasion was quite in an op- posite direction. Both smell and looks were extremely repulsive. I cannot say, indeed, that they absolutely drove me out of the room; but they were very satiating, which I was sorry for, as the rest of the dinner was excel- lent. My poor dear friend Dr. Abdomen, a well-known amateur agriculturist, one of the politest men living, a keen and intelligent lover of a haunch, was in the most ludicrous distress imaginable. It was infinitely diverting to see his wry faces intended for smiles, and his strong efforts to swallow and to compliment, barely overcoming his inclination to vomit. * Dips'] Some time ago, an eminent tal- low-chandler of this countv, remarked that Canto I.] AGRICULTURE. 63 " Say, wise improvers, say cni bono, " Must all* be thus o'erloaded?" "Oh no!" of late the quantity of tallow brought to his oflice, was sufficient for the consumption of it; whereas he had formerly been obliged to pur- chase a good deal from London. This was reported to a certain distinguished member of our ^Agricultural Society. " There ! " said he, ( with all the warm and benevolent animation of a man wbo feels conscious of promoting tbe public good), "There," said he, "see " what our Society has done ! Norfolk pro- " duces her own tallow, which she used to iin- " port." I am afraid I am retailing a stale anecdote, for it is in great currency, and I have heard it myself twenty times. Some of my readers, however, have not, and it is certainly a good one. * An} No not all so fat; but still too many, too fat. Some of the new-fashioned sheep, it seems, run rapidly to grease, and by a quick return, answer well to the seller by 64 PURSUITS OP [Canto V ee Such cost and care, and time and pains f Would never answer current gains ; ec Such wadded waistcoats none would put on '* Vile carcases of market mutton. " Then, turn from the bamboo/led crew " And chuckle in our sleeves perdu."* I pause but if you like my lay Will give you more another day. END OF TlIE FIRST CANTO. * Pcrdtt] That these are real reasons and disposing motives, I in no wise doubt. That they are acted upon by some deep ones who arc humming the hummers, I have strong reason to believe. But I really am not pleased with the avowal of them. They are of too sordid and selfish a cast to proceed from a scientific and enlightened agriculturist, such as I am willing to understand a mutton prizeman to be. I . will try to help him to a belter. I am sure the subject deserves a serious note; and if it be a, long one, I have (he less scruple, because it is happily the last. Agriculture, which has commonly been re- puted an Ai't, is now promoted to the dignity v 66 PURSUITS OF [Canto J. of a Science. Every thing belonging to it is assuming a lofty and philosophical tone. The professors and students of this science are all supposed to be intimately acquainted with the systematic language, not only of their own, but of other connected sciences; especially of Natural History and Natural Philosophy '. It is taken for granted that they are all well in- formed of the construction, and dexterous in the use, of various philosophical instruments, nice and intricate mechanism, &c. Now it is very well known, that in Mathematics, (a sci- ence inseparably connected with Natural Phi- losophy) Problems are often proposed to stu- dents, merely to sharpen and exercise their minds ; not that any useful practical truth is to be deduced from such problems individu- ally, but that the results, as soon as they are gained, may be throw away. Of the Agricul- tural Queries which I have seen, a very great number are precisely of the nature of these problems. And, upon this principle, what can be more ingenious than this : Given weight, height, length, breadth, and breed of a sheep Required the maximum of tallow which can be laid upon it, by the inde- finite use of any one or more kinds of fatting food ? Or, to vary the terms : Panto I.] AGRICULTURE. 67 Given the quantity of adipose matter, and quality of food Required the minimum tim' of sagination ? The result that is, such a carcase of mut- ton as has been poetically described, though probably not now saleable as man's meat, would not absolutely be thrown away, because it might be thrown whole into the tallow hogshead ; but would still b<- of vci \ little value in comparison of the useful exercise given by the process of investigation to the acute and intelligent mind of some promising young agriculturist. Again. Some two or three years ago, a query (i. e. a problem ) was proposed relative to the comparative salubrity of mildewed and of sound wheat-straw as food for cattle! As I remember, some clod-patcd matter-of-fact fellow answered slap-dash, and without any investigation whatsoever, that the " mildewed " straw was no wholesomer for poor beast? " than rotten mutton or measled pork for their tc masters." He certainly misunderstood the question completely. The Querist could not possibly suppose that anv bond Jide owner ot cattle, would actually set about choking or poisoning them in such a manner ; but he ex- pected to draw from some ingenious 6S PURSUITS OF AGRICULTURE. CantO I. a sort of differential calculus on the specific qualities of those two substances. These problems are of comparatively easy so- lufion. There are others (and I presume a ma- jority ) far more difficult and intricate ; so en^ < umbered and obstructed with Impossible roots (to wit, Kolgoian titrncps} and Surd quanti-* tics (viz. men as deaf as posts to agricultural queries) that it is to be much apprehended most of the results will be found irrational. I must not conclude this note without an apology for it to such of my readers as may perchance think it too deep. To the most eru- dite, and especially to the profoundcst adept* in the Society, I make no such apology, feeling quite sure of their clear comprehension and Approbation of it. C. barber, Printer, Fleet-street. PURSUITS V AGRICULTURE; A SATIRICAL POJEM, IN THREE CANTOS. WITH NOTES. O rem ridiculam, Cato, et joco.am ! CATCH. The gravest men alive must laugh At curried swine, and coddled chaff! Old Csio was a farmer too He would have laughed as loud as you. INCUT. ADCT. CANTO THE SECOND. LONDON: PRINTED FOR JOHN JOSEPH STOCKDAJLB, N. 41, PALL-MALL. 1808. Price 2$. 6d. ' ^"C. Bsroer, Fruiter, Fleet-street, PURSUITS or AGRICULTURE. CANTO II. MUSE ! we are sura mon'd see, they sit ;* We must go sing another Fitt f * Sit.~] It is intended to compliment the Society with the publication of this Canto, about the time of a great annual celebrity. f Fitt.'] The ancient denomination of a part or division of a Poem, See Percy's Ballads, and many other such books. I might have preferred it to Canto, which is not English, and I do not like it the better for that. But I bethought .myself that Fitt is antique and ob- solete, and therefore very unfit, where the topics of discussion are so ne\v, as never to have been thought of before. *?2 PURSUITS OF [Canto II. They love a song but songs, I ween, Not quite like thine not quite so clean. Now, one with voice and gesture fine, Warbles soft tales of love and wine. Now, some uprorious throat-performer Bawls ballads jollier* and warmer. * Jollier^] Very jolly indeed, and very warm ! I am sorry, that this notorious and undeniable indecorum, checks for>a while my inclination to laugh, and demands a perfectly serious remark. If gentlemen of rank and for- tune, wish to render their company pleasing to their inferiors, (for which they may have very liberal and laudable reasons, ) that wish would doubtless be counteracted by a cold and lofty distance, or by squeamish and fastidious delicacy. But it is just as certainly counter- acted, by ill-judged and unregulated famili- arity. There is a certain tone of manners, condescending and conciliating, yet guarded by a due degree of decorous reserve, just suf- ficient, and not more than sufficient, to hint ^ Canto II.] JLCIUCVLTURE. 73 But business calls us lju-iness done, Then heigh ! for bumpers, toasts, and fun. the forbearance of unseemly liberties. I hav* seen and admired this truly gentlemanly de- meanour in some landlords among their tenan- try, and in some clergymen among their country neighbours. In either case, I have heard the acknowledged superior take the lead in a cheerful and jocular conversation, and even join in the chorus of rustic merriment. Yet, not one in the company presurrted to swear, to talk obscenity, or to sing filthy bal- lads in his presence ; they would have been, just as likely to pull his nose, singe his periwig, or offer him any other gross and contemptuous personal insult. I have heard them afterwards mention him in terms of respect, and praise his agreeable company ; and that, without any possible suspicion of flattery. The plain reason is, that they felt themselves honoured ; he had lifted them, for a time towards himself; and, if he had also taken a few steps to meet 74 PURSUITS OF [Canto II. What piercing screams assail my ear ? The noble strife of pigs is near. What mean those cries ? Some surly groom Arm'd with hard brush and curry-comb,* / them, he had not passed the boundary line, Let him do that, and the charm is broken. They feel no honour ; they cry hail fellow ; and if they do not, indeed, clap him on thci back, their expressions of familiarity are even coarser. A friendly intercourse among differ- ent ranks in the community, is certainly de- sirable on many occasions; and, in a free country, answers many valuable purposes. But the particular mode of it, which I am here obliged to remark, (and which is most observable in gentlemen of certain political opinions), is an unbecoming, an uncharacte- ristic, and an unnecessary self-degradation. * Currycomb.^ It is literally true ! A boar was actually groomed and trained for a shew at Swqjfham. He won the prize. It would have been a thousand pities, indeed, if he had Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 75 Administers harsh discipline, Harsh, and quite new to Norfolk swine. not. That the ingenious agriculturist, his master, took equal pains with all his swine, anct kept a sort of sty-stud, I can scarcely con- ceive. But I remember that soon after, u letter appeared in one of the Norwich news- papers, signed Giles Griskin, recommending the practice of currying from its effects ; which were said to be., great increase of weight in a very short time, remarkable rapidity of growth and fattening, and prodigious superi- ority in the quality of the pork. The substance of this letter was copied into several of the London papers, as a recent and great im- provement. The editors of those papers, na doubt, supposed Mr. Griskin to be in earnest. So did some others. Nay, some people would insist, that the sanguine prizeman himself, hud chosen to take this covert and modest mode, of announcing this valuable discovery. For my part, I thought the letter a piece of 76 PURSUITS OP [Canto II. The struggling porker squeaks and winces, And much unwillingness evinces, To have his sty-baked hide so scarified, Ingrain'd and mud-soak 'd blotches clarified, That he may come, as smart a beau As pigs on two legs, to the shew. He comes what general plaudits greet A hog, of " merit" so complete ! Of Suffolk, or of Leicester mould, Richly worth half his weight in gold !* waggery. Howsoever that may be, I do not hear that the practice is become at all general. So this, like many other valuable Jgriculturis- tical discoveries, has served its turn and is thought of no more ! What a provoking series of disappointments to the " farming world" our expectations are perpetually raised high, and perpetually balked ! * Gold.~] Among the most ridiculous freaks of the Agriculturists, is the enormous price at which they hold up some of their temporary favourites. . I verily believe, this line Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 77 With him who shall contest the prize? See one competitrcss arise; scarcely over-states the amount of whathas actu- ally been given, for some very precious animals of light weight. No doubt the prices of scarce things must be high : therefore it is, that rich men are the proper persons to introduce and disperse them. As they spread, price subsides, comes within more general reach, and at last finds a fair level. Thus, new breeds of cattle may foe effectually brought into use, and real improvement may be rationally made. But this is not the ^4gricultnristicnl mode. The monstrous prices of Leicester sheep, pigs, &c. continued without perceptible abatement, as long as the run of fashion lasted ; so mon- strous indeed, that in a few years, they will not be believed. Yet only little and local progress was made in the adoption of them. The fashion passed away, and ntfvr, few people seem to know or care what is become of them. At prese/it Uie Mtrinos are most in PURSUITS OF [Canto II. Fairest of all the gruntling race, Endued with every porcine grace, vogue. They really seem to be in much fairer train. I hope they will succeed. They must necessarily bear a high price ; never, however, from the very beginning, was it so preposte- rously extravagant, as that of the above -rneii- tioned produce of cur own country. Their price has fallen is falling they are in pro- gress they will, no doubt, be established in this country ; not, indeed, exactly what they are in Spain, but still to the prodigious im- provement of our grand staple. They are al- ready felt in our manufactures. They will be felt more and more. And to whom will pos- terity owe thanks for the introduction of them ? Not to the Agriculturists. They have, indeed, taken them up in transitu, and the only, fear is that, they may be seized with some other freak, before the farmers have fairly got hold of the breed. No not to the Agriculturists, but to the most Illustrious of all Farmers, will Canto II,] AGRICULTURL. 79 She needs no art, sweet SwUlgutine! To make her, or to keep her, clean. Prolific mother ! peerless nurse ! Recruiting oft her master's purse. Ah ! luckless beauty, what avail Thy pinky eyes, thy curly tail, Thy teats, white, plump, and well-supplied, Eight in a row on either side, Thy silver-bristled ridgy back, Thy fat round rump of glossy black? Ah! partial judges, who decreed To curried boar the valued meed !* future generations of his countrymen owe gra- titude for the judicious and effectual intro- duction of this new and valuable addition to the real riches of the country. I dare not and cannot call Him an Agriculturist. It would be confounding my own distinction, and vio- lating the profound veneration I entertain for him. * Meed.'] I am told I betray a disgraceful degree of ignorance here. A boar and a sow 80 PURSUITS OF CamSo II. Ah ! boar unmannerly, uho kept The guerdon, while a fair one wept I But, though to such bright merit blind, Surely, strong reason they assign'd I cannot chuse but say 'od rot 'em! J Twas e'en thy lovely jet-black bottom.* it seems., cannot contend for the same prize. It.may be so. Then they contended for differ* / ent prizes. The boar won, and the sow lost, for the very reasons here given. Surely here is accuracy enough for poetry. * Bottom.'] It was even so. The unin- itiated may stare, if they will, and may doubt. But so it was. At a full meeting of the So- cieti/j for the adjudication of premiums, &c. a certain sow, with all the necessary points of symmetry and beauty, put in her claim. It was, moreover, certified in her favour, that she was a most plentiful breeder a.Jd suckler. Nothing of all this was denied. But the blackness of her posteriors, in staring contrast to all the rest of her person, induced the Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 81 Like other beauties, uow thou'rt ruing That thy chief charm was thy undoing. judges to pronounce, that she had " no merit.'* It is but justice to add, that one of them, whose opinion was supposed to weigh much with his colleagues, is celebrated for his con- summate taste in all sorts of cattle. He is the i enviable master of a most extraordinary dairy of cows. Indeed, it may be called a blood- :/. The borrowed term .is accurately ap- plicable: for they are exquisitely beautiful in form, have skins as smooth and glossy as vel- vet, are bred with the minutest care, bear ex- travagantly high prices, and arje. good for no- thing except to look at, and to risque money On. Their master is, of course, 'proud of shewing them off; but was lately posed by a very malapropos question. " Very beautiful grown Swedish turneps, which had previously passed a strict and sagacious scrutiny, as ge- nuine specimens of the Kolgoian root. Next, a vice-president, singing d pleixe tcte ( a phrase Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 90 Focus of Norfolk notoriety \ Our Agricultural Society. admirably expressive of intensity of vocifera- tion) *' Dignus, dignut e intrare " In nostro docto corpiire," and introducing the proxy of the candidate, who could not attend in person, being necessa- rily absent on an agriculturistical journey in nubibus. Then, the President, advancing with great dignity three steps from the chair, and after an appropriate speech (not forgetting the usual mention of Mr. Pitt), giving the representative of the candidate the fraternal accolade, inviting him to the honour of the session, and proposing his health in a bumper with three times three. Really, all this is irresistibly ridiculous. I can laugh and shake at it in ray elbow chair as heartily as I am afraid I should have gracelessly done, had 1 been actually present on the august occasion. So much for Mr. .WacfarlaR. I hope. I * 100 PURSUITS OF [Canto if. Wonders* on wonders ! more and more ! Can it not rain, but it must pour ? have done -with him. I wish to say no more than thus much in conclusion. I conceive it to be the very perfection of a humbug, when those who have deserved and provoked it, are so smitten with its plausibility as to overlook entirely the broad traits of imposture, by which any man, with his wits about him, ought in- stantaneously to have detected it. In defence of a man who plays off such a jest, under such circumstances, I say nothing, for he wants no defence. Surely nothing is fairer than (e qui vuli decipi, decipiatur." No man, so deceived, can have any right to complain, or to be angry. If any one were so unreasonable, I should calmly admonish him in the words of the poet : ?- Prythee, be content, This practice hath most shrewdly pass'd upon you. * Wonders /] An explanatory note I find is necessary. These wonders are Cumberland Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 101 Nay, iu announcing these great -wonders, Not ouly does Jove rain-^-he thunders. wonders, the subjects of the famous Cumber- fund letter, mentioned in a note on my first Canto. Some readers, I am sorry to learn, could not conceive what 'was meant. How mortifying to an author to meet with such unin- formed readers ! I by all means recommend that letter to their perusal, if they are admirers of perspicuous style, lucid arrangement, discri- minative judgment, and correct calculation ! It is the work of a highly distinguished mem- ber of the Society, who, (to .give every one his due) confers much honour, and receives none by holding an official charge. He went, it aeetns, in October last, to visit a first-rate agri- culturist, .7. C. C n, Esq. M.P. at his seat at iri>;7.-/i;7elieve it all of course, and think it extremely comfortable. Sonic people, indeed, wonder whence such a supply of po- tatoes can be had o\vn supposing the extreme 10S PURSUITS OF [Canto II. When first they taste such dainty food So savoury, relishing, and good. calculation of present produce to he correct. Others, who have a mind to try, but do not live near a common brewer, who could spare bis malt-kiln, wish to know how many square feet of cast iron must be provided to dry a ton pf potatoes how many coals or cinders what is the ex pence of slicing and frying what weight is lost in the process whether a voy- age into a high southern latitude be neces- sary to the success of it in what respect and degree the flour of these dry chips is su- perior to the whole root ; some varieties of which, we know, may be kept till the next crop comes ; and of which it has been ascer- tained that bread may be made to great loss of substance, and of a bad quality. These things, we shall perhaps know in due time and perhaps not. It is very vexatious and tantalizing, that these prodigiously profitable schemes, struck off at a dash, are to be fountl Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 109 You'll soon rejoice, and well you may, In the vast saving * of your hay. no where but upon paper ! I do hope, how ever, that my Queries in this note will be an- swered. * Saving.'] It seems that by virtue of the great savings made in feeding horses and cow* cheap, there is food to spare for " at least (t 100 breeding ewes ;" which, however, the wonder-working Agriculturist of Windcrmcrc does not keep. So that here, as in some other instances we have heard of, economy run* to waste! I should moreover, like to hear what becomes of all the produce of that part of the 500 acres which bears green crops ; which on the alternate four-years course, must be 2jO acres yearly. Of these, 43 suffice the horses and cows in green food ; the produce of them being " enormous." Is that of the other 207 acres equally enormous? Is it consumed with equal advantage and economy ? and how ? Some of it, no doubt, consists of hay and po- 110 TCRSUITS OF [Canto II. Sell, sell it quickly, make good haste, None knows how long your chance may last ; When all men these new savings try, Depend upon it none will buy, See your milch cows fine turneps munch. And of good fodder many a bunch* fatoes but how much ? What part is actually " rescued to the use of man ?" in what man^> ner ? When we have opened our mouths wide in astonishment at the Three Wonders, are there any potatoes ready to be put into them ? We are not informed. A plain farmer, before he risks an opinion on the merit of this system, (if it be a system) would be glad to know at least the actual result of one course. Yet, I am told, that some people calling themselves farmers, affect to think that these strange things are information ! It is a mistake ; none but ^Agriculturists can possibly think so. I will again hint a modest hope that my Queries will be answered. I am sure the Letter-writer has published many far less significant. Canto II.] AGRICULTURE, 111 Extravagance ! go sweep your floors- And what you let your stupid boors "\Vaste on your horses, fowls, and hogs. And e'en as litter for your dogs., Coulder, chaff, dross-corn, broken straw. All carefully together draw, And mixed with water, stir and stew well Tip make a mess of good warm gruel. And when 'tis pretty near enough, Crumb in some oil-cake, savoury stuff! It makes the caudle soft as silk And much improves the taste of milk. But whence all this ? Oh ! tell us whence, A man of talents, learning, sense, "With stores of hypothetic knowledge Enough to furnish half a college, And glowing with incessant itch To make those riches still more rich, Mounted a coach-box in a flurry Slap-bang, ding-dong, and hurry-skurry, Up hill, down dale, through sand and bog, Come rain, come sunshine, wind, or fog, To Dcncentwater, jVindermen , To Work 'ington, and dauce knows where, 112 PURSUITS OF [Canto II. With scarcely time to eat or sleep, Saw Cumbrian horses, carts, cows, sheep ; Pluinp'd down a shaft, to -view black holes, "Whence pit-men dig and grub out coals; Then met (and 'twas a giant's hop) His President on Skiddatu's top ;* * ' ' ' ' ' * " * Skiddaw's top.~] In the very same sense, or the same nonsense, may this worthy gen- tleman's fame, be said to have reached the top of Skiddaw and the island of Kolgoi- In either case, it must be pure fame in the ab- stract; there being nobody in either place to celebrate it. Indeed, in the very height of some warm summers, it is not unlikely that some straggling sheep may reach the summit of the mountain, and laa it. But really, me- thinks, it will be high time to talk of the inha- bitants and husbandry of the tops of high mountains, when PhilosopJdcal Agriculturist shall have had its full swing for some few cen- turies, shall have done all it can on the surface of the earth, and made some progress in improvement of the Atmosphere ! Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 1 1 Jurap'd off again, and in a crack Perch 'd on the side of Saddleback ; There found his patron as he tells, Known, lov'd and honour'd* as at W ; Saw, in October, fine green oats, Railways, steam-engines, sledges, boats, * Honoured."] It is really very provoking to see deserved praise marred by unskilful panegyrists. This is preposterously hyperbo- Keal. Dr. Samuel Johnson, in one of his ad- mirable imitations of Juvenal, tells us how " awkward flattery" was requited in his youth. It is nothing to me indeed. Flattery is not wy trade. I shall certainly never " gain a " kick" for that. But it deserves the consider- ation of those whom it concerns. Another sage and sententious author of other times, says, "pessimum genus inimicomm lauduntcs." The meaning of which, (if my friends the farmers wish to know it) is, that a man had! better by half be abused or laughed at, than be so be-praised. PURSUITS OF [Canto II. And other things for clean conveyance Of coals, worth rumbling all that Way hence. Brimful of wonders ! off again ! On roof of coach one fare of ten, Within twelve days, or little more, Stopped safe and sound at his own door; ( Eight of the twelve were spent in travelling, Four in these mysteries unravelling) Struck off a letter at a dash With calculations somewhat rash * * Rash^\ An anonymous writer in a vcicli newspaper, professed to point out some important errors in calculation, and offered another, more correct. An explanation of this disputable point was refused, because he was anonymous, and because the letfer was never published. I am sure it was made sufficiently public, which is the meaning my dictionary gives of the word publish. And with respect to the other excuse, all I can say is, that a man with a name, is much more concerned to defend his assertions (if he can} than a man without a name. Canto II. j AGRICULTURE. 115 V* And style not perfectly correct,* As squeamish critic may object ; But soft ; be candid ; pray say who Can marvel and deliberate too ? Cool heads may calculate ; but zeal, Hot, hissing hot, for public weal, Perchance may some bold error make ; Excuse it for its motive's sake. Your clever fellows, o' my conscience, Are your best hands to write great nonsense.f * Correct."] How very vexatious is it, that a man whose abilities and qualifications set him very far above such work as this, should con- descend to do it at all ! And, if he can prevail with himself to stoop to it, how much more vexatious still, that he should so unnecessarily commit himself, by sending his first rough sketch to the press ! What a pity ! that the acute and active mind which collected such a multiplicity of paltry particulars should be no better employed ! ^ t Ncmsense.'] When will you find, for in- 116 PURSUITS OF [Canto If. But granting these strange things are true,* Shall I adopt them ? pray will you ? stance, a cleverer fellow than Dr. P- r? Yet, \vhere will you find the author who has written so large a proportion of nonsense ? Take away some instances of splendid diction,, and some of sound argument, and what is the bulk which you leave ? Nonsense! Very clever nonsense indeed; great and sonorous non- sense ; yet still sheer nonsense. His great abilities and boasted acquirements have been Employed, in writing elaborate disquisitions, on subjects either trifling and contemptible in themselves, or made to seem so, by being over- loaded. The doctor is not dragged in here by head and shoulders, merely that I may ?:iy of him what must be said by every body ; but, as the most striking instance of that per- version of intellectual eminence, which is as- serted in the verse ; and as serving best to il- lustrate an^jpher instance of trie same perver- sion, much less known, but not less lamented Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 117 Some difference there is, I ween, Norfolk and Cumberland between. I by those who do know it. Alas ! alas ! that a man should chuse to write what must be laughed at, who might have written what would deserve to be admired and studied ; that such a labourer should waste his toil in such a field ! ! * True, p. 116.] Really, it would be granting at a very rash rate ! not that I mean to cast any, the slightest, imputation on the veracity of either of the parties. I hope I am not thought to do so. I positively disclaim any such intention. Let me be understood. The pleasure of wondering is very great. That of exhibiting wonders (especially of one'i own working) is certainly not less. In this case, no doubt, the exhibitor is persuaded that he has effected what he professes. He, there- fore, cannot be said to have any intention to deceive. The observer tells what he actually saw. Seeing, they say, is belieting. He be- MS PURSUITS OF [Canto II. Where no fat farmer,* but a boor Tills a few acres, lean and poor, lieves and tells, what it was wished he should believe and tell. If he deceives others, it is unintentional on his part. If he is himself deceived, it is for want of attending to cir- cumstances, with which he ought to be fami- liarly acquainted ; that in these exhibitions, always and every where, a part only is shewn, and calculation is to supply the rest. Of such calculation (even supposing it perfectly cor- rect) the result may be widely different from that of a cool, deliberate, repeated, and tho- rough examination, not on paper, but in the field and the farm-yard. For this patient and needful process, the time was far too -short, Wonderment could not have evaporated in four days ! I can only repeat " qui vult decipi, de- cipiatur." * Fanner.^ By some who profess to Ue ac- quainted with Cumberland, I am assured that the general and unqualified assertion, that Canto II.] APICULTURE. "VV / Where land is let so devilish dear, The fanner must shave very near. i lu* who pays such monstrous wages To every bumpkin he engages, Must practice every art and any ^st I mean) to save a pcriny. "there are " no fafmers" in that county, '(only " men renting eac'h a small portion of land, " Iivit in hovels, employing a few women in fr '1he field, and with a few potatoes to add to " thcfr oat-cake, and make themselves a meaT, " lirigcring a life of slavery, but no farmers/') is by no means whatsoever accurate, llie substantial and thriving yeomen, who farm th. ir own larid, and are very numerous/ have repressed strong; di'satisfaction at 'f his accounf. Nay, some of them have gone so fur as to mut- ttf something about blankets; 'if there should be " oppOttdnities for the work:" perhaps some such process might tend to correct many of the tod hasty accounts we receive of distant places, from ehfaptured Agriculturists, 120 PURSUITS OF [Canto II. Waggons cost more than carts,* 'tis true, So does one horse cost less than two ; * Carts. ~\ Just as I am going to press, I most fortunately learn that there actually ex- ists in this county, at this time, a proof of the superiority of the light cart to the lum- bering waggon. . As it is used by an ^Agri- culturist who has particular connexion? with Cumberland, his practice must be per- fectly correct, and may be taken as a commen- tary of special authority, on that part of the letter Twenty-four coombs of barley were wont to be conveyed from that farm, to the market, (a distance of about six miles,) on a -waggon drawn by three horses and attended by one man. The same quantity now travels on three carts, each drawn by one horse, with a driver to each. Here is obviously a great saving of labour. Each horse has less to draw, as the dynamometer clearly proves. So there is much less wear and tear of that noble and useful animal. Each man has less to do, and Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. Potatoes from potatoe-land Come very readily to hand ; By boiling them men can't be hurt Who get good coals as cheap as dirt, And doubtless 'tis a saving way To eat what others throw away. But that these things are simply better,* We're not instructed in that letter. many hands, they say, make light work. A cart costs little more than half the price of a waggon, so the saving in that respect is very clear. In every point of view the Agriculturistical ad- vantage is great. Norfolk farmers ! are you convinced ? or, do you still stubbornly retain your prejudices ? I am very sure this is a mode of saving labour, which you never had the brains to think of. * Better.'] There is one plain question to be asked on this subject. Have these prodigiously profitable practices been adopted in their own country, from the exigencies of which they i arose ? Are they peculiar to the inventor 5 PURSUITS OF [Canto II. Without strong reasons, on my word, I scarcely think they'd be p refer 'd. So three words more will make an eadon't, J Tis " on compulsion Hal !" depend on't. Or if to practice we must try , This magic of economy, When so far gone, why not go further ? Some other useful things* we murther. -If they are what they are said to be, and if they have been properly recommended, there can be no doubt that they are, with necessary modifications, become or becoming general. When this question is satisfactorily answered, it will be time enough to consider of their ap- plicability, not in the gross, but with still further modifications, to Norfolk farms. I am told that those who are well acquainted with the county of Cumberland, are prodigi- ously tickled with the Letter. * Useful things. .] For instance-. we murther snails very cruelly, and very unprofitably. If it were not more humane, it would be more ^* Canto II ] AGRICULTURE. 123 Since sheep, we lately learn, will mump Faggots of Scotch-fir tip to the stump, economical, to allow them to be craunched by swine, which are known to be very fond of them, and with whose stomachs they agree remarkably well ; being both light a,nd nu- tritive, and their thin shells easily soluble in the gastric juice. In all which particulars they are far preferable to muscles, on which a very ingenious agriculturist on the coast of this county, once regaled his hogs. Tha whole sty was emptied, in one herd, upon the neighbouring muscle-beds, at low water. It was looked upon as a capital stroke, and great results were expected. But several incoine- uienees prevented a repetition of the practice. Some, too intent on their food, were overtaken by the returning tide and drowned ; others, from the extreme voracity with which they ate it, without sufficiently masticating the shells, were seized with excruciating pains in the bowels, which proved to he iuliammatory, 24 PURSUITS OF [Cant,o II. And relish very much, the fine Flavour and. scent of turpentine, The shreds and leavings of our wood Must needs, methinks, oe very good. Let us improve these wondrous savings, And feed our horses on deal shavings ;* were rapidly followed by mortification, and soon ended in death. Those which escaped both these calamities, were, from the surfeiting lus-r ciousnessof the food, and the quantity they de- voured, seized with a train of very alarming symptoms, dizziness, flatulencies, heart-burn, sickness, profuse perspiration, intolerable gripings, and diarrhoea ; which last proved, in- deed, a salutary crisis, and they recovered ; but could never afterwards be persuaded to crack a muscle. The error consisted, no doubt, in not boiling the muscles, ( in which case they might easily have been eparated from the shells, ) and then weighing a proper allowance to each hog. I think it might be repeated, with these precautions. Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. Nor let clean saw-dust go to ruin, But fill the pot, and set it stewing; And lest soft gums it's harshness take ill, Just smooth it \vith a dash of treacle.* * Shavings,p. 124.] The celebrated Gulliverian scheme of regenerating plank, having, on trial, been unfortunately found impracticable, here is a most ingenious and valuable suggestion, which, properly followed up, will, no doubt, prove that those exuviae of timber, are not the worthless refuse they have been taken for, but may be applied to a very good purpose of rural economics. Any man who feeds hb cattle on faggots, is absolutely bound in can- dour and impartiality to try it ; for unless ex- periments shall clearly prove the contrary, it is impossible to pronounce, that shavings and saw-dust are not full as pleasant and nou- rishing. * Treacle.'} In the printed ( I suppose offi- cial) accounts of Lord S's celebrated shew of cattle in February or March last, we were PURSUI-TS OF [Canto II. The premium* tempts me to adventure. Come then, the cheap-food lists I enter. told that his lordship, with the most amiable and indulgent good-nature possible, declared his intention of treating his bullocks with treacle-possets ! To this I can recollect nothing in any degree similar, but Yorick's odd fancy of presenting a macaroon to a jack-ass. There is this difference indeed, that the parson was professedly in jest ; the peer, I am afraid, was quite in earnest. Pity ! that his lordship did not attempt a compromise between the barley- growers, and the West India planters, by of- fering to take off a certain number of tons of molasses, instead of the stoppage of the distil- lery from grain ! * Premium.^ Offered by the Society for the cheapest mode of feeding horses; twenty pounds for twenty horses, and ten pounds for ten. People who keep fewer are not supposed. I trow, to have any interest in keeping them cheap ! I wonder whether any of the lift-as* <'ailto H.J AGFUCLLTUUE. Take notice I put in my claim And in t!u? time \vill tell my name. Truce, to these fooleries* the bard Must find his drudgery very hard, Durance offices -would do the life of a cart- is. If they would, I much doubt \vhether the twenty shillings would pay for policy, tax, and rate of insurance; especially as it cannot but be thought & case of double-ha- zardous. No. It will not answer. Oil se- cond thoughts, I will not try. Nobpdy will. * Fooleries. ~\ And why are there such ? They are not essential to schemes of agricultu- ral improvement, they are not in the nature even of agricultural experiment and specula- tion. Nay, they are not only a positive, but the principal hindrance of the good effects of them. Suppose a probable suggestion of use- ful change, or new practice, to be given from ami quarter. If it be pursued singly, steadily, and patiently, till a fair result be drawn, and the proposed practice be adopted or rejected; 128 PURSUITS OF [Canto If And make prodigious waste of lime, And scribble endless reams of rhyme ; if, being adopted, it be cautiously and dis- cretely, but firmly, recommended to general use ; if it be clearly explained and exemplified ; it will be received. What has happened be- fore, will happen again. Real good will have been done, as far as it was attempted. But, wandering to a second, a third, perhaps a tenth, object, before the first is half under- stood ; wavering and halting between this, and that, and another; betraying an itching cu- riosity for every thing that is new; proposing indiscriminately to the intelligent and the ig- norant, the candid and the designing, questions of which some are unmeaning, some frivolous, some unintelligible ; collecting thus a miscel- laneous and incongruous mass of raw materi- als, without order or connexion, and therefore without use ; confounding this confusion daily- worse and worse by additions of like sort ; accumulating any thing and every thing, di- Canto II.] AGRICULTURE, Should he, adventurous, sally forth To travel west, and south, and north, To learn, then sing with lavish bounty The queerities of every county, gesting nothing; playing off the mummery and puffery of Sheep-sheerings and Cattle-shews, where all is expressly required to be natural, and all is obviously and notoriously artificial ; forming adjudications on fanciful and even silly and childish criteria, and very often so as to incur, atjcast, a reasonable suspicion of bias; investing the most trifling and contemptible in- sipidities in the pompous garb of scientific phraseology, but patching it plentifully with rustic vulgarisms, as if it were to make sure that nobody should understand the whole ; all this, (which is not locally but generally cha- racteristic of Agriculturistical Transactions) can have only these obvious tendencies and sure effects to invite humbug, to provoke ri- dicule, aud to obstruct improvement. ptjRsuifs OF [Canto II. Like those knights errant who afford Liege service to that mystic Board From which such good is to be got, None can .tell when,, or how, or what. Who mount no wat-horse, but a gig, Who wear no helmet, but welsh wig, Wrap'd in surtout, instead of armour, And for a giant, quell a farmer ; Force him by dint of strong suggestion,* Pump him and squeeze by artful question, To tell, what he and all his neighbours and perform of rural labours. * Suggestion^] Very strong ! The Agrlcul- turistical bag-men, (I beg their pardon- knights errant, ) always hare in their pockets plenty of letters from Duke?, Lords, Baronets, M.P.s, D.D.s, and simple 'Squires, to indepen- dent yeomen, (or as I have elsewhere move judiciously denominated them, free vassals) charging them on their allegiance, to give all possible information. These requisitions are Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 131 Then, as they quaff their wine or ale, Take notes* of many :i wondrous tale ; Things worthy of prompt acceptation, Much. for the good of all the nation ; Strong mass of facts /f of special credit, As men will know, when they have read it ; always sure to bring out the truth, the whole, . truth, and nothing but the truth ! * Notcs.^ I have been present at such con- ferences, and have been extremely amused by the steady composure of the narrator, and the placid acquiescence of the noter. There was certainly a great deal of e< catch-work/' to^ borrow a technical phrase from an eminent writer. tc Ipse capi voluit ! quid ctpertius?" tn English was ever a more palpable take- in? * Facts.~\ Called by very high authority, " an inestimable* mass of undeceiving infor- "ination!" Certainly it must be of super- " special credit," when it is printed verbatim from the written account furnished by the principal himself. Pray, gentlemen, let me PURSUITS or Ganto H. Uoless some cautious sceptic few, Ever mis/rusting what is new, come a little closer to you on this point. Are not some very eminent agriculturists very un- willing (from delicate scruples no doubt ! cer- tainly from no selfish or illiberal motive) to have their whole system investigated, and their farms surveyed by strangers ? As it is impos- sible to omit personages of such eminence, are they not sometimes obligingly allowed to re- view themselves ? Indeed I do not wonder that some of them wish it. On the farm of a su- perlative agriculturistical genius, I once saw a herd of swine rioting most luxuriously in a fine crop of clover ready for the sithe. It was not intended they should be there ; but it could not be helped, as there were no fences. On the farm of another, I found ploughs going on a crop of lucern in the second year, on which great cost and pains had been bestowed with a view to a premium ; but another object had been started, and the lucern was forgotten till Canto If.] ACRICULTUBE. 133 Should ask, perchauce, for truth who takes it? Why, he who swallows not who miikes it. Shall then your bard, a vagrant stout, For work in burvc4-sal!\ out '* Uithsitlu kleathUback, ... And Sunday l> iu his .uack. . For he, ala^ ! can ill allbrd To ride, like those whom that grand Board Encourages by handsome stipend Till all thecrudiijes be ripen 'd, Gather'd from hedges as they roam, Then mellowed long in straw at home. And yet, perhaps, some other eye Errors or failures might espy, Happening through very rapid glances Or fine enthusiastic trances ; Some waggery not duly noted, Some grave authority misquoted. Trust me, 'twere well to Send a gleaner, The crop would be got in the cleaner it was so choked with weeds as to be irreco- verable. L 134 1 punstfiTg OF [Canto II. But not by me the risque too large is To go at my own cost and charges. The harvest, doubtless, would be ample; But take what I can give a sample. Some, peradventure, will maintain This sample is not winnow'd grain, 'Tis may-weed, melilot, and cockle, Bitgloss, and ox-eye, and Hue-bottle, Blossoms of furze, and briar-roses, With thorns to prick intrusive noses. Critics, declare if such the case is ; Can you assert it with grave faces ? I yield me to your high behest, And crave your patience for the rest. My artless muse has cull'd wild flowers AH from her native fields and bowers (Save that a friend has deign'd to crop Three cuckoo-buds from Skiddaw's top.) Of these, with playful hand she weaveg A rustic wreath ; nor weakly grieves Nor envies, if some happier field Blossoms of brighter tints may yield, And scents more odorous exhale. Pluck them, ye nymphs, from every vale ; Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. Entwine one garland with joint hand For one great may-game through the land, That all may meet in merry party To cheer with song and horse-laugh hearty, Those caprioles* of frolic fancy, Those gamesome light extravaganze, Those/mA'sf of genius, which heguile In rural scenes of Britain's isle * Caprioles,^ " Are leaps, such as horses " make in one and the same place, without " advancing forward." Johnson's Dictionary. Can any word be more happily and precisely significant of the gambols of agriculturists ? f Frisks.~\ At these, and these only, is my ridicule aimed not at the men, at their res- pectable character's, or at their useful labours, but at their ostentatious follies. Independent country gentlemen may, with very great uti- lity, employ themselves in investigating and ascertaining improvements in that Mother Art, as it has been called, which, after all other improvements in human society, must be the essential support of it. If they do so ration- PURSUITS or [Canto II. The graver toils of patriots wise, To ope a purblind nation's eyes ; To do the best (or worst) they can To mend* (or mar) the state of man. ally and soberly, as such men ought, who would attempt to raise a laugh at their ex- pence? Who could succeed in such an at- tempt ? The laugh would recoil on himself. But if they condescend to use the arts of quackery and puffing., if they run riot in all the vagaries of novel hypothesis and theory, they neglect their proper and becoming busi- ness, as culpably as one of their own plough- men would do, if, instead of slowly plodding along his furrow, he were to stop and pick daisies, or go to look for bird's nests. He would be likely to get whipped in Bridewell ; and it is to be hoped, they will get what they as well deserve, a whipping of another kind, laid on now and then, warm and warm, till they are cured of their idleness. * Mend^] When I observe in the general character of Agriculturism, a restless reluct- Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 137 Atikir&ot'prt/i ! which are in hund to Be sting 1 in the remaining Canto. END OF THE SECOND CANTO. ance to acquiesce in moderate and attainable good ; a constant feverish impatience, never sa- tisBed, for something new, and something newer still, I cannot but consider these as traces of that spirit of universal change and perversion, under the guise of improvement, characteristic of ihePJrilosopJiism of the times, and which ob- trudes itself every where; not only in the grave disquisitions of political, moral, or theological speculators, but in the frothy effusions of dab- blers and piddlers in every sort of petty scio- lism. I do not mean to say that all the a cult mists have embraced the new-fangled doc- trine of the perfectibility of man and all earthly things by human means ; nor that many 138 PURSUITS OF [Canto II. of them have ever heard of such a doctrine But I mean, that they seem, in general, to have caught the contagion somehow or other; in very many cases, no doubt, unconsciously. It might easily be caught from some books and tracts, which they are likely to read such of them, I mean, as read any thing at all. Of this apparent tendency, I have much more to say in my next Canto, At present I only hint it, Note referred to at page 94. * Jty.] The/*/, the flea, thejacA, the skip-> per, or the turnep-beetle, are all common names of the destructive little animal which often makes such fatal havock of our turnep-crop in its first stage. I have, indeed, heard some call it the scabious; which must, I think, be inaccurate, as I have always understood that to be the name of a plant and not of an insect. It is possible they may mean to aim at scarabwus, a very numerous genus; to \vhich, however, after all, the turnep-fly does not belong. It is an insect of the coleopterous Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. 139 class ; what its precise name is I forget ; but I dare say the agriculturist* do not, who are all cntpmologists of course. Cursed vermin it ig in truth ! It is no wonder they wish it were annihilated. I am sure I do. Several very judicious attempts have been made at different times, but hitherto none has succeeded. I pre- sume, it is not forgotten in the neighbourhood of Bury St. Edmunds, that some thirty years ago, a certain great officer of a certain national board, took measures of extraordinary vigour to repel this insect -host, which' had made an alarming in-road on his territory. With no j mean degree of military skill, he occupied with field- pirce- those points from which he was most likely to annoy the enemy. He sud- denly opened a tremendous fire upon them, from all these posts, at the same moment, by well-concerted signals. They were imme- diately thrown into the utmost confusion ; and though they did not run, they all skipped with astonishing agility. I do not remember to have seen a list of the killed and wounded ; however, the enemy immediately rallied and PURSUITS OF [Canto II* returned to the charge, with undaunted cou- rage ; a very few only were slain,, who being . \vithinsmell of the powder (a smell particu- larly offensive to them) \verefunked to death. I believe the next operation against them of any importance, and that, after a long and calamitous period of unresisted depredation, was a plan of treating- them as hungry marau- ders or free-booters, not worth powder 'and shot, and best got rid of by putting in their way some plunder which they would prefer to the turnep. Accordingly, it was proposed to sow with the turnep-seed, rather more than an equal weight of radish rare news for the gar- deners ! as this prodigious increase of demand must very much raise the value of the stock in hand, till another crop could get into the market. However, this was not a gratuitous communication. It was kept a profound se- cret, till a purse of two hundred guineas was made up by public-spirited subscribers at a certain great house in this county, to be paid for the discovery in case the scheme succeeded. Unluckily it failed, as some farmers predicted. Canto II.] AGRICULTURE. And lo ! it then came out that this was only i an old fancy revived. Its favourers indeed contended that it was as good as new, and i dare say, so it was, It so chanced, that some- body fond of poring in obsolete and forgotten books, found the very same thing at page 239 of a Six Weeks Tour, published some forty years ago. It is very probable that the late proposer had poached it from that very place. I have heard the author of that tour (who was present at the subscription, if not himself a subscriber), a good deal laughed at for having forgotten it very unfairly indeed, in my opi- nion. It is surely as unreasonable to expect that a man is to remember the nonsense he wrote about turncps and radishes forty years ago, as that his palate is to retain at pre- sent, a distinct impression of the flavour of thr. turneps and radishes he ate in the same sum- mer. Snrely the one must be as fugitive as the other. The last attempt was to take the enemy pri- soner by leading him into a new-invented sort of ambuscade. It wa an engine constructed M PURSUITS OF AGRICULTURE. [Canto H. for this purpose, which was familiarly, indeed rather too familiarly, and somewhat ludi- crously, called, the Holkham fly-trap ! The uninformed reader is not to suppose, that the flies were trapped in it like rats and mice. It really did some credit to the engineer. It consisted of a loose flap of light cloth, whirU ing on an axis, a few inches above the ground, which being moved along the land on low wheels, and by its motion gently agitating the air, and casting a shade, made the little crea- tures skip, and then knocked them down into a receptacle prepared for them. Though some jumped over, and some dropped under, and some glanced sideways, the number taken was not inconsiderable. Yet, after all, such prodigious reinforcements were continually ar- riving, that no perceptible impression wag made; and it still remains for some greater general than even M,r. Macfqrlan, to make * successful campaign against these invincibles. C. Barber, Printer, Fleet-tree>. AMERICA, PRINTED FOR J. J, tTOCKDALK, 41, PALL-MALL. 1. THE WORKS ot tho RIGHT HON. EDMUND BURR.*, containing an ACCOUNT of the EUROPEAN SETTLE- MENTS in AMERICA. Forming Vol. 5, Quarto, Price \l.4$. Vols. 9 and 10, Royal Octavo iJ. 4. or Demy Octavo 15*. Independently of the above being the most ejegapt of that celebrated Author's Writings, it acquires an extraordinary pre- icnt Interest from the perfect Vjew which it takes of the South American European Colonies, in all their Topographical, Poli- tical, and Commercial Relations to each other and to Europe. 2. NOTES on the VICE-ROYALTY of LA PLATAin SOUTH AMERICA; with a Sketch of the Manners and Character of the Inhabitants. By a GENTLEMAN recently returned from Monte Video, To which is added a History of the Operations of the British Troops in that Country; and Anecdotes, Biographical an4 Military, of the principal Officers employed there. In One Volume, Octavo, with a tine Portrait, Map, and Official Plan?. Price IDs. 6d. 3. NARRATIVE of the OPERATIONS of a SMALL BRITISH FORCE under the Command of Brig.idier-genera! Si* SAMUEL AUCHMUTY, employed in the Reduction of Monte Video. With an Appendix of Official and other Papers. By Lieutenant-colonel TUCKER. In Quarto, with a Plan. Price Five Shillings. 4. THE BRITISH TREATY; containing Authentic Cha- racters of the principal Members of the American Govern- ment. By GOVERNEUR MORRIS, Esa. of New York, Ambas* sador to the French Republic during the Reign of Robe- spierre. With an Appendix of State Papers, And, by WILLIAM COBBET. Esa. an elegant refutation of his own political Sentiments. Second Edition. Price Four Shil- lings. 5. A LETTER from the HON. TIMOTHY PICKKRINC, a Se- nator of the United States, and Secretary of Slate under Ge- neral Washington ; exhibiting to his Constituents a View of the Imminent Dauger of an Unnecessary and Ruinous War with Great Britain. Price 1*. ft). THE FOL10WIKG VTpRJOSiARE TRANSLATED OK EDITED BY JOHN JOSEPH STOCKDALE. ' ' HISTORY of th? LIFE of GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS, KING oi .SWEDEN, sin-named the GREAT. To which is prefixed; an Essay on the Military State of Europe, containing the Manner and 'Customs in the early part of tlie Seventeenth Century. By the Rev, WALTER HAUTE, A. M. Canon of Windsor. Third Edition, including the Appendix, revised, cor- rected, altered, and enlarged. In two large volumes, 8vo. price 11. 5s. ; on royal paper and hot-pressed, 21. 10s. illustrated with a line Portrait from Vandyke, and Plans. Dedicated to the Duke of Cumberland. ' * 2,-rflISTORy of CHARLES XII. KING of SWEDEN. By M. est commentators, have a very different meaning ; and so they have here. Indeed, they may not improperly be taken to signi- fy that this Third Canto is somewhat bigger than the other two. CantO III.] AGRICULTURE. With bellows armed, my thrifty dame From cinders puffs and pokes a flame, And when at length her kettle boils She takes her pinch, and quits her toils ; Smiles at the vapour bursting out, Impetuous, from the sputtering spout. Light curling fumes .around her spread, And play innoxious on her head. Nor dreams the simple crone, that forces Much greater than of brewer's horses, Lurk in the soft and dewy reek Which rests unfelt upon her cheek. How would she gape and stare, if some Profound philosopher should come With cylinders, and pipes, and pistons, Levers, and rods, and plugs, and cisterns, And cocks, and valves, and regulators, Condensers, and refrigerators, To catch the feeble fume, and pound it In brass and iron, nine times round it, And put it's vigour to. the proof, By making it blow oft* the roof! E'en thus that scientific host, Our agriculturitfic boast, 156 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. With sharp and sure prospective ken, That mocks the blink of purblind men, Rapt into future times, discern How much mankind has yet to learn J What ignorance we labour under ! How sadly in the dark we blunder ! If right, 'tis not from what we know, But as the blind man shot the crow. And so they kindly undertake To clear that ignorance opaque, By skimming from it's stagnant pool Straws, feathers, shavings, shreds of wool, And unconsider'd trifles, more Than ever were snap'd up before. Knead all together, when they've got 'em, With mud and tadpoles from the bottom, Strike out an unexpected spark From some dim hole, or corner dark, To make the vaporous mass ferment, Then through thick Quartos give it vent, In puffs explosive and sonorous Play'd off incontinent before us, Till, on those mighty blasts upborne, Old systems be to tatters torn, Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 157 All diverse, through the troubled air, Blown, whither none will know or care ; Just as they tell us, that same swinging Pneumatico-hydraulic engine Heaves up huge bulks, with no more trouble Than makes fire burn and cauldron bubble. Ah ! happy rustics, if ye knew What blessings are in store for you ; What talents bright, what pregnant brains, What skill, sagacity, and pains, (All energized by ardent zeal,) Combine their efforts for your weal. With confidence and patience gifted, Who knows how high you may be lifted ? Why, then, the searching Query blink ? Why tip the sly suspicious wink ? Why whisper, in my trusted ear, What busy Querists must not hear ? That none alive but silly flats Would ope their bags, and start their cats, That knowing ones, with steady eye, Watch every motion, and defy The agriculturistic charmer To coax and lull one wary farmer ! 158 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Oh ! clowns, well fed but little taught, Why so afraid of being 1 caught ? Sworn foes to may-bes and supposes, So fixed on following your own noses ! Untntor'd churls ! dismiss your terrors, And own conviction of your errors. Be sure no mercenary ends Can actuate those generous friends, With ponderous purse and sterling sense Who spend their pounds to save your pence. Come then, with hearts ungrudging, pour In prompt profusion, all your store * ,. * All your store.] We are encouraged to hope, that the day will come when this mon- strous mass of multifarious and heteroge- neous matter will be much reduced in bulk, i by throwing out all that is erroneous, nu- gatory, nonsensical, or contradictory ; and much improved in utility, by methodizing disorder, lopping away luxuriance, and clearing obscurity. What a pity is it that this needful process was not performed be- Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 159 Of knowledge, tried or hypothetic. Inspired with ardour sympathetic, Tell all ye know, and grace the theme With all ye think, or guess, or dream. Nor heed the difference in this case, Twixt great and little, high and base ; Tis your's to give, 'tis their's to mix, And all in meet arrangement fix, Whose wits, so keen to comprehend Whatever other men intend, fore the public knew any thing about it] What use can be made of such a farrago in its present state ? Who is to undertake this task of abridging and methodizing, I can- not imagine. Certainly not the great and presiding genius of all. His talents lie in promiscuous, indefinite, and indiscriminate, collection. Witness his late monstrous far- rago of crudities about " Health and Longe- vity," in four vols. 8vo. which might be read if they were reduced to one-eighth of their bulk. -PURSUITS OF [OdritoTII. Shall fit, cbihpJire, contrast, corribine, ' ^ Distinguish, reason, and refine, Shall take so much ingenious trouble The great to halve, the small to double ; ' So dress, by phraseologic art, So trim and dizen every part, That, though you gave what you'll receive, Th'identity you'll ne'er believe. When all's ^so fine and polished grown, 'Twill puzzle you to tell your own.* NojLyou, ye busy rural dames, To high renown foregt your claims; If, in these topsy-turvy days, Some covet still the homely praise Of rightly managing their houses, True helpmates to their busy spouses ; 'Vfaio turn deaf ears to tempting 1 calls, Of concerts, pic-nics, plays, and balls ; * Own.] It has been said, that several Scotch clergymen feel themselves in this auk- ward-predicament. Canto Ifl.] A GTU CULTURE. 16 1 Nor set at nought domestic cares To travesty new-fashion'd airs, To sicken over wrft romances, Play ballad-tones and country -dances On grand pianos, which, to ninnies, Might cost, on tick, a hundred guineas; But you, in wit and wealth more weighty, Get them, great pennyworths, at eighty ! Enchanting syrens ! not to you Are thanks from prying querists due. Give them the home-bred dame of fifty, Loquacious, active, shrewd, and thrifty. She, when her spouse has told his tale Of plough and cart, and sheaf and flail, . Of fatted beeves, and high-piled ricks, Descants* on skim-milk, curds, and chicks; ' * Descants.] For a prodigious quantity and variety of such interesting minuti&, some avowedly, and the rest apparently, commu- nicated by old women of either sex, see Reports, Annals, Transactions, Papcrt, Journals, Tours, &c. &c. passim. B2 162 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Tells how, with dextrous jirk, to turn The tedious-circumvolving churn, That all the butter, in a lump Collected, through the hole may plump, Nor need the aid of searching finger, To crook out particles that linger. She tells how cheese of milk may seem As soft and smooth as cheese of cream ; Ducklings and turkey-poults * to rear, And keep eggs sweet throughout the year; * Turkey-poults.] An art long and suc- cessfully practised, but capable, no doubt, of indefinite improvement. I am happy, however, to announce a very important dis- covery in the profitable management of those noble fowls in their adult state. If turkey-capons, weighing from forty to fifty pounds each, be exposed to sale in the mar- kets next season, then was it not for nothing that an express was lately sent by the Pre- sident of a celebrated Society to, the Secreta- ry, requiring his immediate presence to in- Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. l6s Mice in her dairy how she catches And makes brood geese* give double hatches. spect and superintend the caponizing of a fine full-grown turkey-cock. So uncom- monly brilliant a discovery will certainly be adopted with eagerness. I will only venture to suggest a modest hope, that eagerness may be duly tempered by discretion, and that what will certainly be gained immedi- ately in size, may not be more than lost, by a permanent diminution of number. * Brood geese.} In general, these sluggish animals are not willing to produce more than one hatch in the season. But a most in^e- o nious and experienced housewife, in I forget what county, has communicated to the rc- porter an infallible mode of quickening them to two, and even three. I regret that I am able to give only a very general ac- count of this important discovery. I only know, that small pills of opium are to be administered at certain times, and repeated, PURSUITS OF [Canto III. She speaks, the grave reporters listen, Their earnest eyes with gladness glisten; Their fingers move, too glib for sight, And all is down in black and white. All goes to swell the vast collection Of knowledge published by direction Of that wise quorum, who dispense The nation's work, the nation's sense. so as to keep the animal IB a moderate state of inebriation. How long, I do not know, nor whether the medicine is to be given during the period of gestation or of incu- bation. I have not yet tried it, therefore, on my own brood goose, though she is a very poor breeder ; nor shall I, till I have an opportunity of consulting some learned agri- culturistical physician, as to the quantity of that powerful drug which may be safely administered to such a patient. But it cer- tainly is matter of experimental fact, and, as such, will no doubt be communicated io due time to the public. Canto III. 1 AGRICULTURE. See venturous P * boldly dash To aid the cause with ready cash ; P , a man most wisely chosen, Few men so wise in half a dozen ; P , above all city 'squires, The great dpoila of Blaekfriers, Fast friend | to sterling erudition, Sworn foe to lettered imposition, In circular epistle, J courts Our favour to his choice reports ; . * P. , i .] This public spirited individual has, it.secms, in the>m,ost intrepid manner, taken upon himself the risk of. publishing all the county reports; amounting, at present, to about thirty-six volumes ; and to how many finally it is impossible to conjecture. \ Fast friend.] Take his own word for it, in the court of King's Bench. If you will not believe what a man says there, what will you believe ? J Epijtle.] Dated October 12, 1808, and scat, by post, to every unlucky wight whose 166 PURSUITS OF [Canto HI. Begs hard to take but one or two,* And, solely with enlightened view, Of calling forth a general spirit To study works of so much merit, Throws one of five f into the bargain, Although it needs must mar his fair gain. name happens to be mentioned in any county report. What a zealous publisher ! I am sure mine does not take half so much pains to sell my poem. * One or two.] " I humbly conceive, that you will feel the propriety of placing, at least, your own County Report, and perhaps one or two of those of the adjoining coun- ties, in the hands of your tenantry." Ext. from Sir R. P.'s letter above-mentioned. -\ One in Jive.] " With a view to encou- rage a spirit of this kind, you may deduct twenty per cent, from the marked prices, in any remittance you may please to make for reports t which you may think proper to order within the next three months." Extr. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 167 The courteous Muse, with much good nature, Breathes fervent wish for profits greater. May'st thou, egregious Bibliopole ! Free from per-centage sell the whole; May this great national * endeavour (Than which no patriot rulers ever A work more useful have projected, By which such good must be effected) Do lasting honour to thy house, and Quit thy grand risk of forty thousand.^ May't live much longer than my rhymes, That ever, in far distant times, Boors, yet unborn, may thumb and pore on Thy agriculturistic koran. J * National.] " This great national under- taking, the most considerable, and, perhaps, the most useful literary work ever attempted/ Extr. What a high comideration ! and what a very modest perhaps ! | Forty thousand.] " It will cost me nearly forty thousand pounds." Extr. J Koran.] I can go no further than this. 16$ PURSUITS OF [Gait to III; In times long past, the Mantwm swain Lamented, (but in graver strain,) That mad mankind did not allow* Deserved honour to the plough. In conscience and common decency I can go no further. But,, during the circulation of the letter above quoted, a puff-paragraph appeared in all our country papers, in which it was roundly asserted, that those same re- forts would " become necessarily a sort of BIBLE to every politician, philosopher, and lover of his country." Certainly, I cannot prove that the letter and the paragraph came from the same hand ; but they are obviously meant to serve the same interest, and the coincidence of time is a strong circumstance. Be it as it may, I cannot conceive that a puff, at once so extravagant, so foolisb, so impudent, and so profane, has appeared in this country since the days of Edmund Cur Hi of shameless memory. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 169. His notiqn Wa? the same as mine,: He thought its " glory all divine." JIc plainly said, he did not like To beat a bill-book to a pike, And thought full many a volunteer Had better stay at home and shear. Not that he meant to pick a quarrel With nwn who wore the martial laurel ; But seem'd to think it full as well is, Large crops should grow to fill their bellies. No doubt the poet did some good, As much perhaps as poet could. For ROHM* knights and Sabine 'squires He smit with vehement desires, To set their neighbours good example Of taking pains far crops more ample ; And, sending all those crops to town, They very soon brought markets down. And, could they, by such quaint devices, As making plenty and low prices, Convince the world, they took in hand The true improvement of their land. Alas ! those ancient 'squires and knights, And poet too, were simple wights, 170 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. They never thought of clubbing brains To aggrandize their farming gains, In agriculturistic band Combining weight of head and hand. They never gave enormous sums For smaller bones, and broader bums ; Nor voted rich rewards for proofs Of well-form'd horns, and tails, and hoofs. They never brav'd the vex'd JEgean For Colchian tups, or bulls Dictaan, Well satisfied with beef and fleeces Bred on Clitumnus and Galesus , Wares, which much cheaper they could sell And yet be fed and cloth'd as well. Ne'er did it enter their dull pates T import new breeds at lavish rates, And thence receive, by high advances, Remunerating * price for fancies. * Remunerating.'] We heard a vast deal about " remunerating prices," in the grand larley and treacle controversy, some months ago. Nothing could be more ludicrous Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. Hi Twas pity, they could form no notion Of that strong ardour and devotion, Which actuates, in happier days, Our candidates for nobler praise ; than the embarrassment of some great writers and speakers upon that occasion, between their fears of scarcity and of plenty, opera- ting at the same moment ; so that it seemed a moot point, towards the end of a long speech or letter, which way the conclusion would be drawn. Certain it is, that, what- ever be the merits of those ingenious persons in other respects, they are no prophets. I have heard very intelligent farmery declare that they never felt any fears, and are well satisfied with the prices they have been re- ceiving for barley ever since. The case may be very different this year, from the large quantity of that grain which was ill-harvest- ed. And this is precisely the difference which claims more attention than it receives, the difference between arguing with sure data, and without them. 172 .PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Who wrestle for the palm of merit With zeal, activity, and spirit, Enough to make old Romans stare, Incredulous that such things are. Twas pity that stupendous scheme Did not adorn their poet's theme, Which, not without some chance divine, Is left to form the charm of mine. Twas pity but, in truth, 'twere hard To blame the well- intend ing bard, For not illumining his pages With light, not struck till after ages, Of which his master Epicurus Was quite unable to assure us ; Nor e'er was kindled such a torch In academic grove or porch. To our blest times reserved by fate We hail this wondrous pass of pate ! If now, perchance, your bard may seem Digressive to forget his theme, Be sure he has not heart to mar That ra'ptur'd theme, by wandering far ; And, though he take excursive flight, Will never lose it from his sight. i'ailtO III.] AGRICULTURE. Nay, though in semhlance or in name Another, yet 'tis still the same. Hear then, yc upnerous Britons, hear, The plough wko-'foMdw or ttwerev . Whether with pate, or pmrse, or paws, Ye lahour For the common. cause, Know, that in those ingenious nations, Which drive an export trade in fashions, Philosophers of newer name, Have put the-okl ones all to shame; Have spun a theory* clelectahle, That all things earthly are perfectible. . ; * Theory.] In what sense dhe dgricultur risls inay be said to have embraced this theory, I have suggested in the last note oa my Second Canto, to which I refer. They have somehow caught, not deliberately adopted it. The same may be said of many other speculators on subjects moral, natural, and civil. That it is in the power of men to make much improvement in themselves and things around them is unquestionable. The 174 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. This globe, and all which it inhabit, From man to mole, and rat, and* rabbit, Are, in the long-protracted course Of ages, worn from bad to worse. And none can tell where this might end, If some were not resolv'd to mend What time has marr'd, and give a turn, By which all nature needs must learn To move in regular progression, Still, at each step, in long succession, plain way to do so is to attempt something within view and reach, the attainment of which is probable; not to aim, through a mist, at things which nothing but a stretch of imagination can render even apparently possible. If men will try to ascend a ladder, the top of which is above the clouds, it is wiser to make sure of a firm footing on the ext step than to talk of the fine prospects they shall see, when they have reached the last, if the said clouds interpose not. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. ITS Improvements hourly to collect From quarters uo man would suspect No fear that she can ever want 'cm. For every one will club his quantum, When once 'tis fairly understood, That all redounds to general good. Each eagerly will do his heat, From generous love of all the rest. Thus, by perpetual accretion, All tends to ultimate completion, From small to great, and so, at last, From great to monstrous, huge, and vast A pretty philosophic notion ! . So matter, when 'tis put in motion, Moves on, all merry and alert, By dint of natural force inert; And, give it but the gentlest slope To launch it fairly tow'rd its scope, And let no rub it's course encumber, Further and faster, * on 'twill lumber, * Faster, <<:.] I make no apology for this scientific simile. I am sure, if the Agrictl- c 176 PURSUITS ot [antoIII. But, should this progress prove but slow, Some scores of centuries or so, Ere all these wrongs be set to rights, And summer suns gild winter nights; Perhaps, some sordid earthly creatures, Of selfish and ungenerous natures, Would scarcely think themselves well paid For lending their essential aid ; Would rather touch one sterling crown, Than hoard up posthumous renown, And swear 'tis folly and temerity To trade on trust with late posterity. ' turists do not understand the doctrine of accelerated motion on inclined planes> many parts of the Reports can be no more intelligi- ble to them than so much Heathen Greek. But, whatever becomes of the theory, I do not see how they can drive their waggons down hill \vithout understanding the practice, and really, after all? that seems quite enough ! Canto HI.] AGRICULTURE. 177 I marvel much, that any dread it In these blest days of paper-credit Posterity's an honest debtor; No banker keeps his balance better : He'll know if the account be right, And pay all off in bills at sight.* Come then, with generous ardour tir'd, All ye, who pant to be admir'd For genius and inventive pow'r, Come, snatch the renovating hour ! Nor let it slip you, ye of small Or hardly any nous at all. Give all you can, we'll dream the rest, And ask no better than your best. No scrap we scorn, the very least May vary or adorn our feast Of science, wisdom, wit, and sense, Grand Pic-Nic of intelligence ! * Sight. ] But they must absolutely be pre- sented; which is the very thing these cautious persons seem to doubt, c a )7S PURSUITS or [Canto II L Come, and with deft sophistic art, Let each keen reasoner* play his part To puzzle, hamper, and bamboozle, And make a whale shew like a.n ouzel, Or, if the adverse whim prevail, To make an ouzel seem a whale. Now, with fine skill and patient pains, Dissect a hair, and number grains ; Now in conjecture bfeidly jump, And grasp large da fa by the lump ; * Reasoner. ] This sketch of the present most fashionable mode of argumentation on all subjects in general, which can be brought under philosophutical disquisition, is sub- mitted with much candour and diffidence to those who are better acquainted than I am with the literary productions of the Agricul- turists. They can best determine, in how many particulars a resemblance is to be traced ; and, of course, whether this is to be esteemed a digression. I, for my part, hum- bly presume that it is not so. Canto III. j AGfticutTUBE. 179 Stumble at straws, fckip over blocks, Strain out a fly, and gulp an ox; Jumble together text and gloss, Now argue .backward, now across; Expatiate, when sense runa low, In words that darken while they glow ; Spin sentiment of tissue shining, Sew rags translated for a lining, Of decent curtain, hung betM'een, That nakedness may not be seen ; Authorities of sterling weight, As suits occasion, sink or state; Exaggerate now, and now diminish, Ten things begin, but nothing finish; Yet, from collision and confusion, Draw something to be called conclusion: And if, 'midst all this coil and pother, Some should draw one and some another ; The true design 'twill never frustrate, Indeed, will very much illustrate. Truth will be seen a great deal fuller, In various light, and shape, and colour, As each contributes in his turn, All apt to teach, and none to learn, 180 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Till so, by dint of free inquiry, Each gives and gathers " suum scire;"* Aft prejudice is thus discharged, And every science much enlarged ; Mathesis only, firm and sturdy, Escapes, unchanged,! this hubbub wordy; * Scire.~\ Scire tuum nihil est, nisi te scire hoc, sciat alter' so quaintly sings the Poet (Aside to the Farmers, " Many a man might pass for a blockhead, if he did not assure the world, upon his word, that he is a clever fellow.") The contributors to agri- culturistical farragos enter very fully into the Poet's sentiment. Indeed they carry it much farther ; for they not only tell the world all they know, but throw into the bargain a o-reat deal of what they do not know. o * j- Unchanged.} How long she may con- tinue so, it is impossible to say. I am told the agriculturists are shewing some disposi- tion to engage her in their service, to prove some of their notions; I warrant they will Canto III.] AGRICULTURK. 181 Prefers her axioms to fancies, And learns to walk before site dances. Though vast the work not less the band, Eager to stretch a helping hand ; And work by many hands is lightened, If 'tis but taken at the right end, And fitly lotted out in jobs, To labouring hands and thinking nobs. E'en now, enraptured we may see A glimpse of what will one day be. See! promptly start at Duty's call, With no self-interest at all, Exerting energies so great, Such strength, and consequence, and weight, A phalanx virtuous, firm, and pure, Labouring, unwearied, to procure That purity, which few men soon Had hoped to see below the moon. make the old lady dance ! For my part, I shall> lose all my gqod opinion of her steadiness, gravity, and strict veracity, whenever I fincj her in such company. 182 PURSUITS o* [Canto III. With argument and proof, two-edged, Which, as they chance to be alleged ; In different scene or season brought, Are now convincing, now stark naught. Oh I come, and each stretch every nerve, The cause of general good to serve ; Come cleanse and sweeten, if ye can, This foul cottttvies of Man ! May no sad chance your plan derange, (Though sad, yet neither new nor strange.) Forget not valour's better part, Let not your zeal out-run your art, Lest some rude gust should blow aside The veil, from what ye wish to hide ; And men, so good and wise, be seen With hands and scrubbing brush unclean, Scouring pollution in a sink, And whitening ebony with ink ! While all thus toil to bring before all Improvements natural, social, moral, Of agriculturists, the charge Must needs, I trow, be very large. All studies which derive from earth, Their meaning, nature, name, and birth ; Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 183 Those sage improvers will promote, To excellence of special note. Geometry * and Geod&sy, Must soon be sciences so easy, Surveyors may save all the pains, Of counting links, and carrying chains; May parcel out a field or fen, By dashes of the current pen. Geoscopists, who now so clever Are grown in judging, that they never Distinguish soils, like those of old, By chewing nasty quids of mould, * Geometry, $c.] For a reason already given, it seems proper to add a general explanation of all these Geos. Geometry measures, Geod&sy divides, Geoscopy inspects, and Geography describes, the earth; Georgics aud Geopony bestow their work and labour upon it; Geemency tells fortunes by it; Geo- logy talks ibout it ; and, after a great deal of blundering and uncertainty, I am in very great hopes that Geognosy understands it. 184 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Shall soon, by philosophic courses, - Learn better how to try their forces ; Shall catch hydrogenous * reports, Let from gun-barrels and retorts, * Hydrogenous.] Successive numbers of a well-known periodical work were, some years ago, all in a fume with this subtile and inflammable matter. It is truly mortifying to see a man who can teach, who has taught, to whom greater thanks are due than to any other individual who has. devoted his time and talents to Agriculture, palm upon liis readers such stuff as this under the name of science ; fill page after page, to a great extent, with a bare detailof what lie calls experiments on soils with a view to ascertain their qualities ; when all the information to be found, is only that such a gun-barrel^ charged with so many ounces of loam, yielded a portion of afr, which exploded twice, and its flame burned blue; and a certain retort; containing so many ounces of sa,nd, : prov Canto III.] AGRICULTURE, 185 Try by a caudle, held between, Whether the flame burn blue or green; (For so the certainty is found, If all that is within be sound ;) Then, reckoning acres from an ounce, Their worth 'tis easy to pronounce. Works Georgical * and Geoponic, (I wish their names were more harmonic,) duced only one explosion, and burned red ! Pretty fireworks perhaps, but we are not told what light chemistry threw upon Agri- culture by means of them. * Georgical.] Dr. Harwood (whose au- thority in such a case is respectable) told the world, thirty years ago, that the price of Geoponica, or the collection of Greek works on husbandry, was much enhanced, " since the late attention of gentlemen to the science of Agriculture" What must it be now, after so many years of uniform systematic improvement ! Really, I cannot tell, for I Jiave never inquired. The fact however is ot [Canto HL Already grown so scarce and clear, Shall still grow scarcer every year, By rural 'squires esteenvd so much ; Whether in Latin, Greek) or Dutch, Just as much read and understood As other authors bound in wood. Some few, ( whom 'twerenot fair tamention,) So strain their talents in invention, extremely well worth knowing. For my part I am glad to hear it. It accounts for .that air of classical elegance and polite eru- dition which is so conspicuous in the com- positions of some of our agriculturistical .writers. If the works be read, they will at -least prevent young gentlemen of rank and fortune from forgetting their Greek, as they now too commonly do, as soon as they leave the university, or perhaps their schools. If they he not read, still it is fit that every Agriculturist, of name and figure, should iiaye his Study decorated with such orna- mental articles of furniture, Canto III] AGRICULTURE. 187 All theories new-fangled seuse on With so much more of risk than reason. Truly, they seem to take a fancy To try their luck at Geomancy. Nor be Geography omitted, For some, through lack of it outwitted, Strange tales, too easy, have believed, From fabling voyagers received ; Lies, which will quickly be detected, When maps and charts arc close inspected, And all the difference between Tropics and poles is duly seen. I much demur, for fear I pose ye, To name the science Geognosy ; * * Geognosy.'] Perhaps, this word is as new to many of my readers, as it was, till lately, to me. J first met with it some mouths since in the advertisement of a book published by some learned Scotch professor ; if I remember right, and, if I do not, I beg the gentleman's pardon. Since that time, I have met with it once more in the 188 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. And, should you chance to ask its force, Can tell no more on't than my horse. Whatever meaning may be in't, Whether from French or German mint, I cannot, in this case, do less Than try my fortune at a guess ; And guessing from its etymology, Should much prefer it to Geology. Geology's a talking science, On which there's little safe reliance; But GeognosticSi I don't doubt, Know every thing they prate about. Quarterly Review ; from which I learn no more, than that " it scarcely existed till Werner moulded it into the form of a science." Geognosy, be it what it may, fs so aiuch out of my line of study, that I am glad to glean even these imperfect intimations of it. They serve, at least, to account for its not having yet obtained a place in any Dictionary in the English: language, Canto III,] AGRICULTURE. 189 Proceed great days ! bright suns arise ! Visions of bliss ! oh greet our eyes ! Flat marshes mount, rough rocks subside, Upward ye streams irriguous glide ; With moisture glad the sandy sod, The half-starved rabbit's late abode. Down the sloped sides * of sun-burnt hills Murmuring descend, ye lucid rills ; * Sloped sides.] Some very laudable and ingenious attempts have been already made to irrigate hills. The short, fine, and sweet, herbage, which grows in such situations, must surely admit of high improvement, when furnished with a regular supply of that invigorating element, with which, in the pre- sent state of things, they are so incompetent- ly and precariously furnished. The attempts, here alluded to, have not yet been attended with all the success which might be desired. But the very greatest inventions arise from small beginnings, and no man of candour will blame the inventors for their early fail- PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Ye crags, where goats were wont to browse, Tield your rich succulence to cows ures. In the one case, \vhich is come to my particular knowledge, a well was bored on the top of a chalk hill, with much la- bour, to the depth of eighty feet, where plenty of water was found. A cylinder and windlass, with a sufficient length of rope and two large buckets, were provided. The first inconvenience arose from the shape of the buckets, which, by an unlucky oversight in the mechanist, were truncated cones, or smal- ler at top than at bottom. Of course, when they were overturned, by an ingenious con- trivance, at the, edge of the well, and imme- diately returned to their pendent position, not being able, during the moment of inver- sion, to discharge all their contents, they, ki fact, carried more than half to the bottom again. This was remedied, by making buck- et* accurately cylindrical. Another great in- convenience then arose, from the swinging of Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 191 And graze huge bullocks for the fleet, Or gaping crowds in Goswell-strcet. the light bucket in its descent, which twisted its rope round and round the tight rope of the ascending bucket, so as to stop the whole process. This also was overcome. What will not ingenuity and determined perseverance overcome ? A cylindrical roller, equal to the one at top, was placed nine feet below the surface of the water, and the rope passed under it. The machinery now moved steadi- ly, the water was regularly brought up and discharged, the lucid rills trickled beauti- fully down the thirsty declivity ; but, after six hours labour, of four men, working spell and spell at the windlass, the well became dry. How this inconvenience was remedied I have not heard, but I have no doubt that it has been. With respect to the declivities of high mountains, below the region of perpetual snow, there can be no doubt, th? f D 192 PURSUITS OF [Canto III, Ye sterile plains, whose furze and brakes Give covert cool to toads and snakes, course of years, by continual and unre- mitted industry, to which nothing is insu- perable, by blasting, undermining, and level- ing, rocks and other prominences, they may be brought so nearly to a conical sur- face as to let the melting snows gradually glide over tVem, and deposit their fertilizing particles as they proceed, instead of running to waste or doing mischief, as they now do, and certainly have done ever since the deluge. A proper bed, with a strong em- bankment, might be provided for them at bottom, to convey them to the sea by the nearest outfall, without the least danger of their inundating the level country. Do any of my readers suppose that I am dealing in irony or hyperbole ? it is not so. Such rea- ders cannot possibly be agriculturists, nor have bestowed any real attention on the ten- dencies and probable or presumed issues- of agriculturist ical theories. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE 1JJJ Turn out your tenants, and display In vast abundance, corn and hay ; Ye fens, hem i red and water- logg'd, Where whoso ventures must be bogg'd, With or without an outfall,* clear Y'our sward, to feed the bounding deer. All nature grin one merry smile From end to end of Albion's isle. Air, earth, and water, all obey Enlighten'd man's imperial sway, That all his labours may become But exercise to sweeten home ; To give keen appetite to eat The luscious fruits and savoury meat, * OutfalL] Whether a wide extent of fen i is best drained with or without an outfall is an extremely nice and curious question, npw agitated with much intelligence and acute- ness at fen-meetings, and shortly to under- go discussion in a more honourable as- semblv. m D iJ 194 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Which ye'll produce at his devotion, Just as a clock is kept in motion, By only taking now and then The pains to wind it up again. And, grant the labour's light and small, Tis free, 'tis wise, 'tis generous, all ; Whatever it yields shall be one's own, All claims extraneous then unknown, All, that the sameness can obstruct Of property and usufruct. Cleric or laic corporations Shall lose their hideous usurpations ; Fine, fee-farm, rent reserved or quit, Life-lease, renewal, (only fit To make fat drones and lazy thrive, Who bring no honey to the hive,) Shall fly, like dust before a besom, And those who more deserve shall seize'em. The clergy Theophilanthropic* Shall no tithe corn, wood, hay, or hop, pick, * Theophilanthropic.} What else can be the tendency of the new-fangled notion, Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. * No calf, nor foal, nor pigs, nor geese, Nor eggs, nor milk, nor lambs, nor fleece, that religious instruction should proceed om the absolute indifference of all sectarian dis- tinctions ? Persuade one of the infinite number of nominal Christians, who are un- able to give* any tolerable account of their faith, that the particular Christian society in which he has been bred has no tittle of preference to any other, and that, notwith- standing his ignorance, his own reason is to convince him of this, and you unsettle him effectually, and probably for ever. I do not deny, that there may be hearts and minds capable of being stretched to this extent, without letting fall sound religious principle; but I am very sure those of men in general are not so. If those, who think much, and earnestly, and deeply, and feelingly, about religion, can throw out, as surplusage, (to use the lawyer's phrase,) what discrimi- nates one denomination from another, the- P-URSWITS OF [Canto III. Ah ! pretty lambkins ! how they'll skip,. Goslings in puddles frisk and dip, same liberty must not be trusted to the much greater number, who think little, slightly, and superficially, about it; for they would certainly throw out much more than can be intended to come under that description; and it would be far better than there is any ground to expect, if what re- mained were Theophilanthropism in its proper import. Readers who may be content to laugh with me may say this note is too grave ; not so, I am indeed very serious. A most seri- ous topic has fallen in my way ; I trust that I think and speak upon it in a Christian spirit. From what I say, let any man infer if he can, or guess if he dare, of what cjiurch or sect I am a member. I speak equally on behalf of all. On this most awful subject, whatsoever a man think or dp, let him think or do it heartily. Let Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 197 Calves kick their heels up, old cows jump, Foals neigh and hoist the sportive rump, Lame brood-mares gaily stump and hobble, Pigs grunt, hens cackle, turkeys gobble, For joy, that all the brute creation Is free from priestly domination.* him fear to set it up as a skreen, a blind, a stalking horse, to cover any secular views or purposes whatsoever. * Domination.] In the seventeenth cen- tury, when the established church was over- thrown by an incongruous confederation of Sectaries, they agreed as brethren holy and beloved, till their general object was accom- plished : then they separated and became two bands. Each, in its turn, domineered over the other, with more intolerant severity than the church had ever exercised against either; and each, in its turn, also, took good care to preserve and enjoy her temporalities. She is at present besieged by a host as incon- gruous, hacked by auxiliary troops of philo- 198 PURSUITS OF [Canto III- Though some for food or work still need'era, Well pleased they'd bleed or toil in freedom. sophists and esprits forts, and their camp is followed by an irregular and marauding force of interested partizans, greedy of plun- der, making a great deal more noise than the regular assailants, and battling stoutly with whatever implements of annoyance they can catch up; "furor arm* ministrat ;" that is, " any brick-bat will serve to throw at a par- son's head." If these ill-sorted allies should succeed in their joint attempt, they, too, would become deadly foes, as did their pre- decessors one hundred and sixty years ago. The temporalities would, in this, as in the former, case, be well looked to. Who would get them in the present, or a similar, state of things, it is perhaps not very difficult to divine. It is earnestly to be wished, that men, who are interested deeply, would think seriously, before they give more heed to untried theory than to the sure testimony of III.] AGRICULTURE. Nay, things, in this imperfect state. Insensate and inanimate, From that new light shall catch a spark, Emerge from apathy so dark, Improved, like all things else, hy letters, Shall think and reason like their betters. New milk and eggs, in custard blended, Shall know their servitude is ended; Simmering shall smile, that no harsh law Can cram them down a vicar's maw.* past experience ; that some imposing wri- ters and speechifiers would bestow some of the time they could well spare, in studying, historical analogies. * Maw.] I should really be sorry to see this, for I am acquainted with some excellent men of that description, who do their coun- try good service unnoticed, are very fond of custard when they can get it, and would not be overpaid if they could afford to have it oftener. I know that a great many farmers are much of my mind, whatever the agricul- 200 PURSUITS otf [Canto III. O Norfolk 1 much-loved native soil ! Far more renowned for prosperous toil jurists may endeavour to put into their heads. Not indeed that they at all approve of tithes; but they are a shrewd sort of people, and keen enough in smelling a rat ; and, when they ask what is to become of the tenth if it be taken from the parson, and find that it will neither be swallowed up by the earth nor dropped into their pockets, but will go to the landlord and be felt in rent, they fairly profess themselves better satisfied tfcat tilings should remain as they are, inas- much as it is generally a great deal easier to make a bargain with the parson than with the 'squire. They derive a strong lesson on this subject from the rigour with which im- fropriate tythes are commonly exacted, and the moderate terms on which those in pos- session of the clergy are most generally com- pounded for. These are facto which far men feu*. r .into III.] AonicuLTui 201 Than genial clime, and generous land That freely fiHs the reaper's hand, What though thy parclfd ami sandy brocks* Oft, with balk'd hopes, thy yeomen vex ? What th.-uuh the joyless traveller see Long- miles of heath, without a tree? I feel the gales that from them blow, Anticipated bliss bestow. I feel how happy, some years hence, That change will make all men of sense, When odious, Ibng-legg'd, rambling sheep O'er quickset-hedge forget to leap; * Brecfa.] A provincial word, probably the same as break , and it originally meant the division of a farm which was under one sort of crop; so that, on our present system, the arable part of a Norfolk farm iu general would contain four brecks, or breaks. At present, however, it seems to mean any large portion of corn-lield, but principally in the light-land part of the county, lying in seve ralty, but uninclosed. PURSUITS OF [Canto III. When pigs, to .please their master's sight, Their black rumps* bleach to lilly white ; * Black rumps.'] I must write one note more on this uncleanly subject, to give a curious piece of information, of which I was not in, possession when I wrote my Second Canto. Jt is there stated, and truly stated, that a prize was refused to a beautiful but unfor- tunate sow, because she happened to have a black rump. It is equally true, that, since that time, a prize has been adjudged to another, expressly because her posteriors were of that same colour. Each decision \vas equally wise and just. This latter ani- mal was bred in Essex, the former in Nor- folk. The clovers in Esse.r, it seems, are so much more succulent andnutritious than ours, that the hides of swine, fed on them, are said to be extremely liable to crack in the part above-mentioned ; and the skin of it is found, by experience, to be much tougher when co- vered with black bristles. CliltoIIL] AGRICULTURE* When all thy acres, bare and barren, In waste and common, heath and warren, Become (amazing thing to think on!) Fat as the foggy fens of Lincoln. Thy nymphs, with cheeks of cherry hue, Oft-times by bitter blasts turn'd blue, Nymphs, all unfit to mate with fribbles, Shall cease to bore thy clods with dibbles* When irons automaton learn how To follow Mister Godwin's plough.* * Plough.} This illustrious Philosophic, the most masterly and convincing elucidator of the doctrine of perfectibility, in his im- mortal work on Political Justice, which has been very properly denominated the Code of improved Modern Ethics and Legislation, very gravely and argumentatively asserts, that " it is by no means clear that hereafter a plough may not be turned into a field and perform its office without the need of super- intendence." Under such authority as this, what I have ventured to suppose of the dib- 304 PURSUITS 01 [Canto III. Thy sturdy swains shall lounge, at leisure, With folded arms, and view, with pleasure, Spontaneous sheaves blockade barn-doors, And spread their treasures on the floors. Ye then, who worthily preside, Whose counsels teach, whose maxims guide The yeomanry, whose labours tend To expedite this noble end, Our County's glory to promote ^ By tongue, and pen, and hand, and vote, O shew them at how dear a rate Such services you estimate ; Call them around you, thrice * a year, Quaff costly port as free as beer, bles and the sheaves is perfectly natural and probable. And has none of our large-acre Agriculturists given this great genius a long lease on low terms ? I have mot heard of any Such thing : where then is merit to seek its reward ? * Thrice.] Hitherto twice, henceforth thrice, as we are informed by a late adver- 10 III.] AGRICULTURE. 2O5 In mystic bumper-toasts with glee, And roar convivial, three times three; (Though one, not graced with such addition) Is help -.I out by a transposition} * tisenient. The business of the Society so increases, that it can no longer be dispatched in the same time as heretofore. No less than sir new members announced in the last Re- port of Proceedings ! How many have with- drawn themselves it is not necessary to state, as the balance on the other side is so great, There are indeed ntmours of reluctant and thin attendance, of arrears of subscriptions, of crusty answers when they arc called fbr, of payment of them in fail, and there are said to be some murmurs among seceders iand even some continuers) of arbitrary management of the business of the Society, of all these rumours,, not one word is credible. * Transposition.} " King and Constitution," a loyal, significant, and comprehensive, toast; very proper to be pledged by every Engtith- 206 PURSUITS OF [Canto IIL Rehearse their qualities transcendent, Tell them they're all so independent, Of such remarkable urbanity,* And such uncommon mental sanity, man, of every party, after his dinner. Why then " Constitution and King?" It may mean the same. I hope it does. But it is needlessly and offensively deficient in cour- tesy, because it refuses a precedence long established, perfectly harmless, and indis- putably due, on the ground of priority ; and it is not credible, that there is a single Bri- ton now living, who would contend for it, or even think of it, on that of superiority. * Urbanity ] Strange ! that plain wor^s should be set so unecessarily at variance with their meanings. Rustic urbanity! Could no word be found expressive of that improvement in manners which certainly has taken place, and which I have, in a multi- tude of instances, observed, as a quality far Hiiore characteristic and far more valuable than urbanity ? Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. SOT So shrewd, in finding out rogue's tricks In turnips, and in politics ; In those deep sciences, that no man Can equal your true Norfolk yeoman.* See how they catch and suck it in With twinkling eyes and tingling skin Sweet music to an honest ear Is praise well-earn'd and quite sincere ! And now th' impartial Muse would fain ! Extend her panegyric strain. Yet, think not she will foist upon ye A special catalogue of raisonne* * Yeoman.] An elegant and just panegy- ric on them, as politicians, is to be found in an electioneering address to them, in the year 1802 ; written in judicious and success- ful imitation of Dr. Samuel Parr's superb sesquipedalian style, which certainly has a peculiar grace and propriety, when it is pre- sumed to come from the pea of a country gentleman ! 208 PURSUITS OF [Canto ITT. Of yeomen, clerks, 'squires, knights, and lords, Who form societies and boards. Twould take a hundred iron tongues, A hundred pair of brazen lungs. As well might she attempt to number, How many precious volumes lumber The garrets of that valiant knight, Who puts in print whate'er they write; As well recount the feats surprising Of quacks, who live by advertising ; * How many patients Doctor Brodum Relieves of all the ails that load 'em, * Advertising. ,] Why are we driven to these base comparisons ? Instruction and example from persons so respectable, that they must have great and general effect, if they were soberly and characteristically given, most provokingly lose a very great part of it, by being intermixed with frivolous or yisionary matter, and displayed with all the artifice and allurement of an arrant charla- tanerie. f Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 09 How many jail-birds rue the tenders Of Israeiitish money-lenders. Some few be sung, whose souls enlarged, With care of general welfare charged, Stint to no county, shire, nor clan, Their labours Cosmopolitan ; Whom all revere, whose merits great Shall snatch them from the common fate Behind oblivion's murky curtain, Whose immortality is certain. And first, the noblest of the band, Whom " All the Talents" of the land, With keen intuitive discernment, Found fit for things of high concernment, From nook obscure, they timely lifted, To shew how grandly he is gifted ; And when poor Pat was ripe for mischief, Rigg'd out and sent him to be his chief: But soon the disappointed nation, With general grief and consternation, Saw Royalty with Talents fall out And helter-skelter turn 'em all out, To stray again on that bare common, Where erst they straggled, own'd by no mas. 2 210 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Then, having just had time to cram His Excellence with SI o's ram,* But hardly of sufficient standing In state-craft to have got his hand in, In chair of state yet scarcely warm, He's sent for home again to farm. There, higher his high fame to hoist, He takes lean Talents in, to joist ; A breed of stock in field or stable Quite barren and unprofitable ! O S e ! thy honour'd race Distinctions, seldom heard of, graced * Ram.} On a politico-agriculturo-con- vivial Progress, his Excellency was expected at the noble M 's seat in the country. Or- ders were dispatched to make the most splendid and hospitable preparations ; among others, that the best sheep should be slaugh- tered. Unlucky blundering Pat stuck a knife into the throat of a ram, which liad cost Two Hundred Guineas! The fatal error was not discovered, till the unusually high flavour of the haunch led to inquiry. Canto III.] AC ui CULTURE. '211 Not that, in days of yore, its bead With Wallace, or for Bruce, hath bled ; Nor, that one older quell'd a dragon- Such feats may many others brag on. But, that thy sires, with frugal care, In order long, from heir to heir, Unminish'd, have contriv'd to save The fiefs, which Norinan William gave. And still, the produce of thy toil Springs from the same perennial soil, That bore the ineslin, grouts, and pease, That fed thine Aborigines. In those dark ages, we are told, Scant was the circulating gold ; Scant was the overplus for sale Above the needful bread and ale ; Few muttons were for market bred, And none at all for prizes fed ; Sufficient, if the whole demesne Gorg'd its rude lord, and menial train. But now mankind is grown more wise, And farms produce rich merchandize ; And some exert unheard-of skill Jo make great profits greater still ; 212 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. Tis thine, by right hereditary, To warn adventurers to be wary. Tis thine, to teach by rules discreet The art of making both ends meet. Let some the galling truth confess, That greater is transform'd to less ; And, after many a sad disaster, The land be forced to change its master. Thou too, whom pregnant thousands, doubled, Trebled, squared, rounded, have ennobled ; And now, the golden circlet sheer Hath hid the pen behind thine ear ; Whose genius versatile, we're told, Can manage land as well as gold ; S h ! be thy due praise ever sung Till rustic crowds be all unstrung, And rustic revellers be dumb At shearing-feast, and harvest-home. Let others take ingenious pains To calculate the certain gains, Which farms, well till'd, must needs produce* Of such nice questions, where's the use ? Canto III;] AGIUCULTI We cannot have the balance true Unless Per Contra we may ^jew. Be that the task of heads less rash, And hands more vers'd in fing'ring cash. Be, then, thy clerkly skill applied To making out the Debit* side; * Debit.} It is said, that this opulent and public-spirited agriculturist and President- Emeritus holds (or held) lands to the value of about one thousand pounds a year. Report confidently says, that in one year he debited his farm (to use the language of his^rwa) to the amount of ten rents ! Talk of taxes and rates, and composition for tithes ! What trifling items must they have been in this Grand-Total! What do farmers say to this, who cannot get above five or six rents in all, out of which they pay all these charges, and their landlords too, and make as good shifts as they can to live comfortably; many of them really seeming to succeed tolerably frftaeuif* or [Canto lit Nor let that Counterpart be lost, How much faroU may be made td c6st. C n ! though nothing can be oddfef Than thy receipt for stewing fodder, Nor plainer, than that corn> and hay too, ; Are dearer thati a mash'd potat&fc, To one who feels no lack of coal ; We hope, from thy inventive poll, Some deeper and much wider f>tan For vindicating* earth to man. well in that endeavour? How much better would they live if they would team agricul-* turism ! Surely this is great encouragement. To what amount this celebrated farm was credited does not appear. Its returns, no doubt, were prodigious to some body. * Vindicating. ] This phrase, ' * Vindicating, or rescuing land to the use of man," oc- curs so often, that it were well, methinks, to give a definition of it. I am not able to make out that it rrteans more than simply Canto III.] Jioni CULTURE. Shall he, the Sovereign lord of land, Receive his own, at second hand, And after all he has bestow'd on't, In milk and mutton get the good on't ? Shall he still let nutritious grass Through ever-craving bowels pass Of horse and bullock, sheep and cow, Which might (though nobody knows hotv) Be made to serve its owner's toeed, And so become his own indeed ? Grant, then, the precious boon we ask ; Be this thy well-allotted task. taking land away from beasts ; the advan- tage of which I do not discern. In a cer- tain " Zff/fr," duly panegyrised in my Se- cond Canto, we are told that the great agri- culturist here addressed has thus rescued a great many actes. I wish we could learn what he has done with them. But this infor- mation remains a ve*y puzzling dcsldcra' in this as in many other cases. PURSUITS OF. [Canto III. We know the cattle in thy keeping, Thrive well on refuse, dross,* and.,s weeping. ; - '___ . - . * Dross.] The oeconomical principle of al- lowing nothing to be wasted, was never, perhaps, better exemplified than it is said to have been lately by the gentleman who gained so much honour by catching lice on growing pease. Finding, on trial, that the little animals had a remarkably sweet taste, he judged, that in a mass of them, there must be an abundance of saccharine matter. With that contempt of all squeamish and fastidious delicacy, so characteristic of a trae philosopher, he submitted a plentiful haul of therri^to the fermentative process, which produced, we are told, a very pleasant wine ! I do not vouch for this; for I never con- found rumour with fact. I should rather approve another proposal which I know to have been made ; which was to convert them into cakes of portable soup. Beautifully green and transparent as they are, the whole Canto III.] AORICULTURF. 217 O teach us and by facts determine, They'll thrive, like cats, by catching vermin.* substance of them seems to consist of little more than the delicate juices on which they feed, and of which, no doubt, they retain the full flavour. How very agreeable it would be, to have a green-pease-soup at one's Christmas dinner, without the great charge and trouble of forcing ! * Vermin.] Something of this sort, I sus- pect, is in agitation. I cannot imagine what; but in the Norwich papers of 19th Au- gust last, among other important official com- munications from the N. A. S. a premium is offered for shearling wethers, "Jed with ve- getable food only " That a sheep can be fed on any other than vegetable food (as this implies that it may, and sometimes is) ap- pears to be one of the most amazing facts hitherto announced by the agriculturists. It was certainly unknown to Lmnr no very dissimilar reason. In any case, and whatever food be preferred, I hope a dish of Macfarlan turnips will always be considered as peculiarly fit to be served up, as sauce to a leg of carnivorous mutton ! 220 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. No borrow'd brilliance, C , be thine, With genuine in-born lustre shine ! O deign this tribute to regard, The tribute of no venal bard, Who never gain'd a single prize Either to blind or bung his eyes-, Whose praises therefore must be thought Unforced, uninfluenced, unbought. ' Rise ! and assert thy fame, nor less The dignity of N. A. S.* JV. A. S.~\ The abbreviated and expressive designation of the Norfolk Agricultural So- ciety. As to the dignity of it, I cannot help thinking that the letters M. N. A. S. an- O nexed to the name of a member of that dis- tinguished body, will confer as much real honour, and have even a more significant im- port, than F. A. S. or even F. R. S. placed after some names which I could mention. On its dignity, in its own estimation, I must add a few words. When I opened my Norwich paper of January 14, 1809, my eye Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 221 If silver pots, mugs, jugs, and cups, Enhancing much the price of tups; . was caught by the words, NORFOLK MEET- ING. I had not heard that any such thing was in agitation ; and accordingly expected to find, in the opening of the business by the Lieutenant or High Sheriff,, a reason for so rapid and unexpected a movement. In the very next line, however, I found the meeting was no other than that of the Pri- vate Committee of the N. A. S. and that the most prominent personage present did not hold any office, or commission, from the Crown, but a new - invented plough-share from Buckinghamshire ! I am afraid this is going rather too far. Certainly there are some, and even many, persons, who, for va- rious reasons, would be glad to keep their countenances, if they could, on this subject. It is both unfair and indiscreet, to tickle these mannerly and decorous gentlemen till they burst. or [Canto lit If premiums large, and loud uproars 'Gainst horns of rams, and rumps of boars ; If sluicings, drainings, irrigations, Shews, shearings, clubs, and competitions, True industry so much promoting (Nor less true independent voting,) Be sounder things than threadbare laws With all their cobwebs, dust, and flaws; If heavy tomes of strange reports, From counties gather'd, not from courts, Give firmer ground for fame to act on, Than tomes of Littleton and Bracton; Then, thy renown shall flourish rather Than that of thy most famed forefather. When death (oh distant be the day !) Shall pluck thee from thy plough away, Edward and Thomas, kindred names, Shall burn, but with unequal flames, In Glory's sphere refulgent twain ! In Libra that, this next the Wain. Though, by the vulgar herd, between The two, no difference be seen, Observant eyes shall plainly see Sage Edward filch a ray from Thee. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. I wish I had a muse of fire I High as I am, I would get higher. For celebrating S r's name I ought to have & pen of flame, " Cock * of the North 1" Trans-Grampi** Scot! Next neighbour to auld Jokn-Q '-Groat, From furthest verge of British land He comes, to held the patriot band ; From gloomy glens, embrown'd with heather, And rocks, sore pelted with rough weather, Whose acres, every other year, Produce a. peck and half of bere, (Or savoury oats for bannocks good, Which sorry Sain, called horses food,) * Cock.] Thi& very elegant and expressive title was born, as Sir Jolm informs us, by a respectable veteran, of his family, Sir George S , of Blyth. It may surely, with per- fect propriety, be traoisferred Co the present worthy Baronet, 224 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. But, from such forcing, must in reason Lie fallow tKe alternate season. The husbandman, whose potent word Such fields obey, must be prefer'd In ever}' clime, on every soil, To regulate the rustic's toil ; To argue, dogmatize, and lecture, To question, calculate, conjecture; And all good judges say, that never Was raree-shew-man half so clever (No mighty difference it can make Whether at board or country wake) To pull the string, and shift the slide, And make the pygmy phantoms glide ; Which, changed by optic art, appear So large, and natural, and near. That, when through eye- holes bumkins blink, All sound and tangible they thirik ; And wish, wide-gaging, as they peep, Such pretty things to catch and keep ; But gape much wider, when they find There's nothing to be touch'd behind The magic shew- box, which contains These nick-nacks of mechanic brains. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. But oh ! what simile is fit That high pre-eminence to hit Which S r holds among wiseacres, From equals far, yet all partakers In one grand philanthropic scheme Which some, great boobies ! call a dream. They, much like those amusive lights, Which skip about in bogs o'nights, Called jyill-o>-tti-Jhtsp and Jack-o-lanthorn, As like as any fancy can form, To candles cased in glass or horn, By trusty guide on purpose borne, To lead men safely to their mark, And save from blundering in the'dark, Which clowns benighted oft beguile, And lead them many a weary mile, Till, having fairly plump'd them in To pools, or ditches, to the chin, All on a sudden, who would think't ? The fascinating light's extinct ! They plunge and flounder, sprawl anjd scram- ble, And catch, at last, some friendly bramble, ti 226 iwvmov [Canto III. Which, clutch'd and tug'd mt& njigbt 99 d main, trpheaves tfbeni to the verge again. Shivering and stinging, da,\xb'd and soafc'4 By wags unmercifully jpked, They lea,v haJs, wigs, a#d slipes, behiptf'^ So gla4 to, ? sca|)e, they never mind 'em ; O'erjoy'd, if without further tumble, Theft tor cart-wheels on rough rqa^ ?una^lf- lie, soaring to the blue serene, Where no gro's.s, $ajtth-born fires are seifc No fetid puf) of f^n-suck*d vapours Commix, ancj ^ipd^?, ^nd cu.t capers ; Pure flame, ie [Canto HI. What refuge can ye think to Ay to If every body laughs as I do? If that's the case, the scheme is undone Sure as the Devil is in London ! Yet not so vehement is our need To make us spur the willing steed ; We'll give fair time, that you may come With testimonials* from home. * Testimonials.'] Tire woffny President lias actually made this very reasonable offe* himself! Was he aware it ^fas likely to b4 called for, and therefore determined 16 get the first word ? The following is an extract from a circular letter lately addressed to thd Scotch farmers (not unac Jo#$k-' A4 we^ have o*ly 19 wish tte piincipl^ bad been sooner thought of, a Q d tj^t ^ Scotch Prtwfafr qf ^/*^ in ore 3Q if, besides how majiy feroaers the boasted sys h^ enabled to, pay double. *ctt; we. learn how majoy *ho$e wots ha^ve ditfowd. ftt emigratc 4 236 PURSUITS &r [Canto III. Tell, how wide tracts, once bare and meagre, To yield large crops are now quite eager;* * Eager.] Sir Joseph adds, to his friendly admonition to Sir John, quoted in the last note, that " agriculture has derived, is deriv- ing, and will derive, more benefit from Scotch industry and skill than has been accumulated since the day when A dam Jirst wielded a spade!! ! Is it possible that P.R.S.'may slily mean to hoax P. B. A. and play him off? Such a sportive sally might not perhaps come with the very best grace from Newtorfm Chair ; but still, with a far better than such rantipole hyperbole, and such far-fetched and ridiculous conceits, delivered from it in sober sadness ! Perhaps the sagacious Presi- dent's partiality for French erudition and Scotch husbandry may proceed on the same principle, on the super-eminent excellence of nrt where nature affords scanty data. In spite of national frivolity and volatility, there * are philosophers and literati in France ; not- Canto III.] AORKJuLTfRr. 237 Gloomy GUnco grows green and flowYy, And rivals thee, sweet Carsc of Gowrie, Tell, how the hardy chiels who spar'd No toil, to glut their greedy laird, . And after a', found much ado To gi' their bairns a bally-fu', Wherever S rY genius acts, Can stuff their weems, and pay their tacks, And think no more in humour frantic Of sailing o'er the wide Atlantic. Tell, how those bairns more plump and clean, Than erst in highland hut were seen, In beds of heather snugly snooze Full of milk-parrach, and fat broose, Tell, how those chiels display their riches* In luxury of shirts and breeches, withstanding every disadvantage of soil and climate, there is good husbandry in Scotland. Under the respective circumstances, each . must necessarily be the most admirable of its kind. * Riches, ] I hope no uncandid reader will 238 yvviTa OF [CuntoIII. Encase in hose th$ brawny leg, And doff the fanning philibeg. Who knows but, now so apt to roam, The gentry too may stay at home? understand me to insinuate, that very great grievances and discouragements have not been removed, very important amelioration, effected, in the state of the Scottish yeomanry and peasantry; much to the real honour of the landed proprietors, and to the credit of agricultural improvers, I am fully convinced that such things, are, and that, in many dis- tricts, lands heretofore deemed utterly in- tractable are in a high state of prosperous cultivation, on a system truly admirable. But shall we, therefore, admit without scruple, the luxuriant and poetical represeatatioa, quoted in the two preceding notes, as a fair general representation ? Shall the whole body of Engtisk Farmers " hide their diminished heads" at this high bidding? Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 239 Though many a Scot of name not small In Warwick-lane, or Rufus' hall, An English guinea oft has found Much heavier than a Scottish pound;* And many a godly pastor weens That tithes are better things than tiends. Let Caledonia pay and feed Her sons, on t' other side the Tweed, Maxims they'll learn, which none will blame, That " Ain's Eneugh" and " Hame is Hame."t * Pound.} The Scots is about a twelfth part of the sterling. f Home.] This very desirable consum- mation does -not, however, seem to be at hand. In a treatise " On the Utility of Agricultural Knowledge," by a Scotch farm- er, published last year by Harding, in St. James's Street, we are told, that a Mr. Lou- don, the author of it, has the letting of above twenty thousand acres, which " are to be tenanted with husbandmen from the north." What an alarming swarm from the o 240 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. O S r, grant the boon we crave, What confidence we then shall have ! northern hive ! However, to " liberalize" his preference, and to obviate " national reflec- tions," Mr. L. takes care to tell us, that, under the term northern, he comprehends (not only all Scotland indiscriminately, but) " a part of Northumberland /" I really wish this tract a very extensive sale. The more it is read the better. Without any doubt or misgiving, I will trust the effect of it to the general good sense, humanity, generosity, and honour, of the landed proprietors of England, which I am confident will always preponderate over a partial and occasional love of freakish experimentalism and chime- rical innovation. At any rate, this " arbiter elegantiarurn" as he calls himself, cannot fail to amuse his readers very highly, by his plan of an academical establishment for agri- culture, supplementary to Oxford, at a short distance from that illustrious seminary, ex- Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 241 If such great change to light is brought By thy presiding genius wrought, tremely convenient for students " who mean to devote their time to other studies, " " many" of whom he confidently expects no doubt, with the full concurrence of their college tutors, and to their great incidental improvement, in the liberal sciences of driving tandem and four-in-hand! Nothing can be more entertaining than the professor's luxu- riant description of his Arcadia, at Great Tew, and the meditated improvements in it ; the " druidical" and " peripatetic" lectures which are to be delivered there ; his invita- tation of northern farmers to " compete" in their offers for lands in the south ; the truly philosophical indifference with which he en- courages " proprietors of a sentimental turn" to make room for them, by ousting " the present tenantry from the homes of them- selves and perhaps a long line of ancestors," all " for the public good of the nation ;" his 242 PURSUITS OF [Canto Hi. Who dares let dark suspicion lurk That this same genius will not work, proposed improvements in leases, which are to contain no restrictive covenants, but leave the tenant at full liberty to " remunerate"" himself " in any way which may suit his ideas ;" his very tempting plan of an " insu- rance" office, for " good crops and certain prices;" his boast of the " monopoly" of skill, and consequent " terrestrial riches " which Scotland has attained ; his complaint of the want both of "skill and CAPITAL in English farmers," while northern husbandmen " are at present overstocked with BOTH ! ! ! " After all this, it could scarcely have been necessary so directly to avow and recommend " SPE- CULATING in land." This is, however, a probable and a comfortable indication, that the twenty thousand acres aforesaid are the property of SPECULATORS, not of heredi- tary possessors, between whom, and the yeo- manry under them, a well-poised mutual de- Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 243 And stretch thine all-improving hand From Solway -frith to South -for eland, And, maugre moors and marshes, glance From Foreland to extreme Penzance ? But as, on all hands, 'tis agreed, Of reasonable time there's need, As things, intended long to last, Can never be well done in haste, What man so proper to contrive it As he who's certain to survive it ? Who gently glides down life's declivity In conning maxims of longevity,* pendence, and a well- apportioned communi- ty of interest, is one of the strongest safe- guards of national prosperity. * Longevity.] In the year 1807 was pub- lished that elaborate and scientific work " The code of Health and Longevity ; or, a concise'' (by the way, conciseness is not at all an usual quality of codes, and four goodly octavos are no very happy specimen of it, " Or a -concise) View of the Princ ; 244 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. And others undertakes to teach What blessings are within their reach, pies calculated for the Preservation of Health, and the Attainment of Long Life," &c. The paraphrastic variation of the grand title may seem somewhat tautologous to readers who are in possession of a dictionary, but must be understood as a modest indication that the author wrote for the unlearned. Howe- ver, having, in the promulgation of the Code, assumed the lofty character of a legislator, in the month of March following, he descended from that exaltation to take counsel and in- struction ! He circulated proposals for a Society to frame a Code, by contributions and collections ; by publishing queries in all lan- guages, that answers, essays, scarce tracts, Sec. may come pouring in from all lands ; by offering prizes and rewards for valuable com- munications; by contributing the trifling sum of ten guineas from each member, for which each was to receive two copies Canto III.] AGitiCuLTrut . 94 On principles called elemental To which e'en children nui->t a.vseut all. Such simple rulo, that all who need 'em For practice, as they run may read 'em, And all who read may comprehend, And all must profit who attend. For all the good kind fate has sent us In these discoveries portentous, of the improved Code, one in octavo, the other in quarto. Certainly, if the contribu- tors to this stupendous miscellany have the same idea of conciseness as the great col- lector and superintendant of it, the whole subscription must be insufficient tor half the charges of publication only. I do not find, however, after all, that any such society ac- tually exists, whereat I marvel much. "With respect to the elementary principles^ which some have impertinently presumed to call truisms, I refer my readers for them to the Code, which, no doubt, for their own sakes, they will all study. 46 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. We wish thee, S -r, more longevous Than ever yet a son of Eve was, And hope 'tis all a monstrous lye That greatest talents soonest die. * Nay, were it true, (though very hard On some,) 't\vere rare news for the bard * As causes adverse, he expects, Will work to opposite effects, And means to pay all due attention To every wholesome rule you mention, He glads his heart with warmer hope To lengthen out his vital scope A century were no great wonder Some trifle over it or under Then, when the glorious consummation Shall dazzle the enraptured nation, And put to shame the scoffing few Who think strange things cannot be true. * Z)z>.] Sir J. tells, and seems to believe. that "men of great talents seldom live long,'- not his pen tremble when he wrote it ? Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 247 He'd seize his panegyric pen Andjubilize tbe Man of Men. Then, too, will be the proper season To hold his famous " Feast * of Reason." * Feast.] The President's rational and philosophical proposal for an Agricultural Dinner, at the Crvwn-and-Anchor, is not, I believe, so generally known as it deserves to be ; and I lament that I am able to give the particulars only from recollection, which I trust, however, is not incorrect in any ma- terial point. Indeed, the circumstances are so peculiarly impressive, that the memory must be unusually treacherous, which could lose any important part of them. This cele- brated meal was to consist of native provi- sions only, but in all possible variety ; each variety distinguished by a small flag. Every sort of British fermented liquor was also to be served, but not a drop of exotic drink. JThis patriotic bill of fare, contained about two hundred articles of viands and beve- 11 248 PURSUITS OF [Canto III. To honour that auspicious day, Some future Simkin shall display Dainties indigenous by scores From gardens, forests, fields, and shores, And all exhilarating juices Which honey, fruit, or grain, produces ; Suiting, much better than they now will, With human nerve, and brain, and bowel. But, while my heart this rapture feels, What chill misgiving o'er it steals ! That, ere those halcyon days advance, Some cross-grained mischief-working chance rages. When the company had eaten and drank of each dish and each bottle, suffici- ently to enable them to form a competent judgment, they were to proceed to form se- parate Resolutions on the comparative merits of each ! \ ! What could be the reason, I cannot imagine; but this proposal, though printed and actively circulated, did not meet with, that encouragement which it merited, and the meeting was never held. Canto III.] AGRICULTURE. 49 May send (oh ! stop it favouring Fate !) The vision through the A-ory Gate. * * Gate.] As a farewell mark of attention to the farmers who read my poem, I will in- form them, that, according to the Heathen Mythology, all false and delusive dreams were supposed to pass to and from the re- gion of shadows by an Ivory Gate. Printed bj QaUbia and Merchant, tnpim-cjtut, Lond. Printed for /. /. Stockdale, 41, Pall-Mall. A COMPLETE TREATISE ON FARRIERY; COMPRISING THE TRANSACTIONS, OR MODERN PRACTICE, OF THE VETERINARY ART, In regard to the Diseases of Horses, Cows, Sheep, Pigs, Dogs, &c, INTENDED AS A COMPENDIUM TO THE YOUNG VETERlNARy SURGEON, FARRIER, GROOM, FARMER, GRAZIER, &C. BY J. FERON, Veterinary Surgeon, lat/t Light Drqgooni. One large Volume Royal 8vo. with a Frontispiece, Price I/. Is. A SHORT LETTER TO THE REV. T. C. MUNNINGS ; Exposing the Futility of his pretended Agricultural Improvements, and proposing a -very simple but very efficacious Plan for Ameliorating the Condition of the Farmers, by a gradual and general Abolition of Tithes. Ninth Edition, corrected and enlarged. Price Is. Preparing for the Press, A REPORT OF THE AGRICULTURE OF SIBERIA, BY M. MACFARLAN. One Volume 8vo. with coloured Plates- Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. BRITTLE REJECTED BY BINDERY Form L9-100m-9,'52(A3105)444 THE LIBRARY -SITY OF CM T K pursuits 01 OPT 1P97 IBRAR 24. 40 815 SEP 1 INTfRLIbi QDAT 0921 0222 TRANS TYPE ING OCLC 09 3526835 LIBRARY 001 352 683 5 DAT JITS OF AGRICULTURE, A SATIRICAL F DNi STOCKDALE, 1808-1810 T I