UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES THE GIFT OF MAY TREAT MORRISON IN MEMORY OF ALEXANDER F MORRISON FATHER TOM AND THE POPE, AND THE History of tiie Pope's Mule. Js it kissiusj my housekeeper before my face, you are;- you villain I" said the Pope.— See page 52. Father Tom and the Pope ; OR, A NIGHT AT THE VATICAN. / As related by Mr. Micliael Heffernan, Master of the ITational Sctiool at Tallymactaggart, in the County of Leitrim, to a friend, during his official visit to Dublin, for the purpose of studying Political Economy, in the Spring of 1838. From Blackwood's Edinburgh Magazine, May 1838. NEW YORK. PETER ECKLER, PUBLISHER, No. 35 Fulton Street. • • • • • •, - ■ • • * t • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •/ • • • • • * • • • • « • • • • • • • PREFACE. THE famous hero of the witty and amusing brochure, entitled Father Tom and the Pope, which first appeared in Blackwood' s Edinburgh Magazine for May, 1838, is gen- ? erally conceded to have been the Reverend E Thomas Maguire, CathoHc rector of a remote parish in the county of Leitrim, in the north- § west of the province of Connaught, Ireland. 5 The same gifted prelate was subsequently s introduced as Father Tom Loftus, in Charles ^ Lever's Harry Lorreqtter. ^ Mr. Maguire was very popular in Ireland u. because it was claimed that, in 1827, he had t defeated the Rev. T. P. Pope, a Protestant clergyman of Cork, in a six days' discussion on controversial points of the faith and prac- tice of the Church of Rome and the Church of England, — because, at the famous Clare (5) 3906 PRRFACE. Election, in 1828, his great influence and eloquence were exercised in behalf of Mr. O'Connell, — and because, several years later, following up the polemical policy of Dr. McHale, R. C. Archbishop of Tuam, he had opposed what is called the National System of Education in Ireland. The question of the authorship of Father Tom and the Pope has caused much inquiry, and has been variously attributed to different writers — particularly to Dr. Maginn, to the Rev. Francis Mahony, (Father Prout), to the late John Fisher Murray, of Dublin, and also to Samuel Ferguson, of the same locality. It is clear, from the local allusions, that the author was familiar with the county of Lei- trim : but Dr. Maginn was a Southern, who probably never was ten miles north of Dublin at any time. Again, the author must have been person- ally familiar with Archbishop Whately's at- tempt to have the National Schoolmasters instructed in Political Economy, his favorite PREFACE. 7 science ; but Dr. Maginn, who had quitted DubHn in 1818, and settled in London in 1824, never visited Ireland after that date. Francis Mahony, also from Cork, was in London, writing for Magazines, when Father Tom was published, and could not have known any thing of its subject: besides, his style was entirely different. Mr. J. F. Murray was "to the manor born," and was, besides, familiar with every point, serious or amusing, in the Irish Educa- tion Scheme, and from November, 1836, to June, 1 84 1, he had contributed to Blackwood a series of short essays on that subject, wTit- ten in a racy and familiar manner. This fact has induced many readers to credit him with the authorship of Father Tom, but no direct evidence that such is the case has yet been produced. Mr. Samuel Ferguson whose Forging of the Anchor is indeed a noble lyric, and attests his great ability, was not generally known as a humorous writer, and yet the following 8 PREFACE. Strong claim from Fraser s Magazine, that he was the real author of the unique and genial sketch of Father Tom's convivial visit to his Holiness, seems absolutely unanswerable : "Sir Samuel Ferguson is the designation by which a true and admirable English poet will hereafter be known, and possibly better known than heretofore. " He is a native of County Down, and has passed the most of his life in the obscure City of Dublin. His literary fortune has been a curious one : his very first publication was a lyric which has already borne the wear and tear of more than forty years, and promises to be a permanent addition to English litera- ture. It was published in Blackwood's Mag- azine, and entitled The Forging of the Anchor. This was read and applauded, and copied and recopied into collections of verse ; but the au- thor kept quiet and nobody took any further particular notice, or guessed the Rabelaisian Father Tom and the Pope, in the same maga- PREFACE. zine, to be the work of the same pen. Father Tom, I may say, I have myself seen in the flesh — a stout, sporting priest of the old school, well known at coursing matches, in Connaught and elsewhere. Our author's series of romantic stories from Irish history, called Hibernian Nights Entertainment, ap- peared in the Dublin University Magazine, then in the pride and flower of its youth. These have long ago been reprinted in Amer- ica, but not, I think, elsewhere. He also contributed many notable essays on Irish scenery, etc., to the same periodical. In 1865 Mr. Ferguson published a volume of collected poems in London, Lays of the IVestern Gael, a name altogether enigmatical and uninviting to the Sassanach in general. It accordingly was a dead failure, although it included a number of poems thoroughly and justly es- tablished in public favor in Ireland and Amer- ica. After this the author published his wonderfully spirited and striking epic poem of Congal, with the same result, or worse. lO PREFACE. The cockney critics in general took no notice of the book, but the Saturday Review did re- view it, and was magnificently contemptuous. An account of it, to quite a different tune, will be found in Fraser for May, 1875. ^^ seems very likely that a poem of Ferguson which appeared in Blackwood the other day, called The PVidow's Cloak, expressing tropically Victoria's dominion over India, is the proxi- mate cause of the public honor now done to him. But be that as it may, it is gratifying that here, at least, the luck has fallen to the right man, and that a gentle public may have its sagacious eyes turned a generation or so sooner in the direction of this particular poet, and — who knows? — of ancient Irish literature, of which he is the best exponent in English. Sir Samuel Ferguson, B. C, LL. D., deputy keeper of the Irish records (long life to him!) is moreover a highly distinguished archaeolo- gist, and — may it be permitted to add ? — one of the kindest and most genial of men." FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. CHAPTER I. HOW FATHER TOM WENT TO TAKE POT LUCK AT THE VATICAN. WHEN his Riv'rence was in Room, ov coorse the Pope axed him to take pot luck wid him. More be token, it was on a Friday ; but, for all that, there was plenty of mate ; for the Pope gev himself an absolution from the fast on account of the great company that was in it — at laste so Fm tould. Howandiver, ther s no fast on the dhrink, any how — glory be to God ! — and so, as they wor sitting, afther dinner, taking their sup together, says the Pope, says he, " Thomaus," — for the Pope, you know, spakes that away, and all as one as of uz — (11) 12 FATHER TOM, AND THE POPE. ' ' Thomaus • a Jfinna, " . says he, "I'm tould you welt them EngHsh heretics out ov the face." " You may say that," says his Riv'rence to him again. "Be my sowl," says he, " if I put your HoHness undher the table, you won't be the first Pope I floored." Well, his Holiness laughed like to split; for you know. Pope was the great Prodesan that Father Tom put down upon Purgatho- ry ; and ov coorse they knew all the ins and outs of the conthravarsy at Room. "Faix, Thomaus," says he, smiling across the table at him mighty agreeable — "it's no lie what they tell me, that yourself is the pleasant man over the dhrop ov good liquor." "Would you like to thry ? " says his Riv'rence. " Sure, and am'nt I thrying all I can?" says the Pope. "Sorra betther bottle ov wine's betuxt this and Salamancha, nor FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. I3 there's fornenst you on the table; it's raal Lachrymalchrystal, every spudh ov it. " It's mortial could," says Father Tom. "Well, man alive," says the Pope, " sure and here's the best ov good claret in the cut decanther." "Not maining to make little ov the claret, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, " I would prefir some hot wather and sugar, wid a glass ov spirits through it, if convanient." " Hand me over the bottle of brandy," says the Pope to his head butler, " and fetch up the materi'ls," says he. " Ah, thin, your Holiness," says his Riv'- rence, mighty eager, " maybe you'd have a dhrop ov the native in your cellar? Sure it's all one throuble," says he, "and troth, I dunna how it is, but brandy always plays the puck wid my inthrails." "'Pon my conscience, thin," says the Pope, "it's very sorry I am, Misther Maguire," says he, " that it isn't in my power to plase you ; for Fm sure and certaint that 14 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. there's not as much whiskey in Room this blessed minit as 'ud bhnd the eye ov a midge." "Well, in troth, your Holiness," says Father Tom, " I knewn there was no use in axing; only," says he, "I didn't know how else to exqueeze the liberty I tuck," says he, "of bringin' a small taste," says he, " of the real stuff," says he, hauling out an imperi'l quart bottle out ov his coat-pocket; "that niver seen the face of a ganger," says he, setting it down fornenst the Pope ; " and if you'll jist thry the full of a thimble ov it, and it doesn't rise the cockles ov your Holiness's heart, why thin," says he, "my name isn't Tom Maguire ! " and wid that he out's wid the cork. Well, the Pope at first was going to get vexed at Father Tom for fetching dhrink that- away in his pocket, as if there wasn't lashins in the house: so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "Pd have you to comprehind the differ betuxt an inwitation to dinner from the ' Glory be to God! ' ' says the Pope, smacking his lips. ' ' I never knewu what dhriuk was afore, ' ' says he, " it's Nechtar itself, it is, so it is."— See p. 15. FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. I5 succissor to Saint Pether, and from a com- mon mayur or a Prodesan squirean that maybe has'nt liquor enough in his cupboard to whet more nor his own heretical whistle. That may be the way wid them that you wisit in Leithrim," says he, "and in Roscom- mon; and I'd let you know the differ in the prisint case," says he, " only that you're a champion ov the Church and entitled to laniency. So," says he, " as the liquor's come, let it stay. And in troth I'm curis myself," says he, getting mighty soft when he found the delightful smell ov Xhtpuffeen, " in inwistigating the composition ov distilled liquors; it's a branch ov natural philosophy," says he, taking up the bottle and putting it to his blessed nose. Ah ! my dear, the very first snuff he got ov it, he cried out, the dear man, "Blessed Var- gin, but it has the divine smell ! " and crossed himself and the bottle half a dozen times running. " Well, sure enough, it's the blessed liquor l6 FATHRER TOM AND THE POPE. now," says his Riv'rence, "and so there can be no harm any way in mixing a dandy of punch ; and," says he, stirring up the ma- teri'ls wid his goolden muddler — for every thing at the Pope's table, to the very schrew for drawing the corks, was ov vergin goold — "if I might make bould," says he, "to spake on so deep a subjic afore your Holiness, I think it 'ud considherably whacilitate the in- westigation ov its chemisthry and phwarma- ceutics, if you'd jist thry the laste sup in life ov it inwardly." "Well then, suppose I do make the same expiriment," says the Pope, in a much more condescinding way nor you'd have expected — and wid that he mixes himself a real stiff facer. " Now, your Holiness," says Father Tom, "this bein' the first time you ever dispinsed them chymicals," says he, " I'll jist make bould to lay doun one rule ov orthography," says he, "for conwhounding them, secundum mortem!' FATHER TOM AXD THE POPE. 1 7 " What's that ? " inquired the Pope kindly. " Put in the sperits first," says his Riv'rence ; "and then put in the sugar; and remember, every dhrop ov wather you put in after that, spoils the punch." "Glory be to God!" says the Pope, not minding a word Father Tom Avas saying. "Glory be to God!" says he, smacking his lips. " I never knewn what dhrink was afore," says he. "It bates the Lachrymal- chrystal out ov the face!" says he — "it's Necthar itself, it is, so it is ! " says he, wiping his epistolical mouth wid the cuff ov his coat. " 'Pon my secret honor," says his Riv'r- ence, " I'm raally glad to see your Holiness set so much to your satiswhaction ; especial- ly," says he, " as, for fear of accidents, I tuck the liberty of fetching the fellow ov that small vesshel," says he, "in my other coat-pocket. So devil a fear of our running dhry till the but-end of the evening, anyhow," says he. 1 8 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. " Dhraw your stool into the fire, Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "for faix," says he, ** I'm bent on anahzing the metaphwysics ov this phinomenon. Come, man aHve, clear off," says he, "you're not dhrinking at all." "Is it dhrink?" says his Riv'rence; "by Gorra, your Holiness," says he, " I'd drink wid you till the cows 'ud be coming home in the morning." So wid that they tackled to, to the sec- ond fugee a-piece, and fell into a larned dis- course. But it's time for me now to be off to the lecthir at the Boord. Oh my sorra light upon you, Docther Whateley, wid your piliti- cal econimy and your hydherastatics ! What the divitl use has a poor hedge-masther like me wid sich deep larning as is only fit for the likes ov them two I left over their second tumbler ? Howandivcr, wishing I was like thim, in regard ov the sup ov dhrink, any how, FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. T9 I must brake off my norration for the prisint; but whin I see you again, I'll tell you how Father Tom made a hare ov the Pope that evening, both in theology and the cube root. CHAPTER II. HOW FATHER TOM SACKED HIS HOLINESS IN THEOLOGY AND LOGIC. ^^ 7ELL, the lecther's over, and Tm kilt ^ ^ out and out. My bitther curse be upon the man that invinted the same Boord ! I thought onct I'd fadomed the say of throuble ; and that was was whin I got through fractions at ould Mat Kavanagh's school, in Firdramore — God be good to poor Mat's sowl, though he did deny the cause the day he suffered ! but its fluxions itself we're set to bottom now, sink or shwim ! May I never die if my head isn't as through- other, as any thing wid their ordinals and cardinals — and, begob, it's all nothing to the econimy lecthir that I have to go to at two o'clock. (20) FATHER TOM AXD THE POPE. 2 1 Howandiver, I musn't forget that we left his Riv'rence and his HoHness sitting for- nenst one another in the parlor ov the Vatican, jist afther mixing their second tumbler. When they had got well down into the same, they fell, as I was telling you, into learned discourse. For you see, the Pope was curious to find out whether Father Tom was the great theologinall that people said ; and says he, " Mister Maguire," says he, "What answer do you make to the heretics when they quote them passidges agin thran- substantiation out ov the Fathers?" says he. "Why," says his Riv'rence, "as there is no sich passidges I make myself mighty aisy about them ; but if you want to know how I dispose ov them," says he, "just repate one ov them, and I'll show you how to catapom- phericate it in two shakes." "Why then," says the Pope, "myself disremimbers the particular passidges they allidge out ov them ould felleys," says he, 22 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. "though sure enough they're more numerous nor edifying— so we'll jist suppose that a heretic was to find sich a saying as this in Austin, ' Every sensible man knows that thransubstantiation is a lie,' — or this out ov Tertullian or Plutarch, 'the bishop ov Rome is a common imposther,' — now tell me, could you answer him ?" '*As easy as kiss," says his Riv'rence. "In the first, we're to understand that the exprission, * Every sinsible man,' signifies simply, 'every man that judges by his nath'ral sinses ;' and we all know that nobody foleying them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery that's in it, if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid an eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be depended on, being the sinse ov the Church. "So that, regarding the first quota- tion which your Holiness has supposed, it makes clane for us, and tee-totally agin the heretics." "That's the explanation sure enough," FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 23 says his Holiness ; "and now what div you say to my being a common imposther ?" "Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, "wid all submission to the better judgment ov the learned father that your Holiness has quoted, he'd have been a thrifle nearer the thruth, if he had said that the bishop of Rome is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that line over us all." "What do you mane?" says the Pope, getting quite red in the face. " What would I mane ? " says his Riv'r- ence, as composed as a docther ov physic, *' but that your Holiness is at the head ov all them — troth, I had a' most forgot I wasn't a bishop myself," says he, "the deludher was going to say, as the head of all iiz, that has the gift ov laving on hands. For sure," says he, "imposther and imposithir is all one, so you're only to understand manuum, and the job is done. Auvuich ! " says he, "if any heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that agin me, I'd soon give him a 24 FATHLIR TOM AND THE POPE. p'litc art ov cutting a stick to welt his own back wid." "'Pon my apostolical word," says the Pope, "you've cleared up them two pints in a most satiswhactery manner." "You see," says his Riv'rence, — by this time they wor mixing their third tumbler — "the writings of them Fathers is to be thrated wid great veneration ; and it 'ud be the height ov presumption in any one to sit down to interpret them widout providing himself wid a genteel assortment ov the best figures of rhetoric, sich as mettonymy, hyperbol, cat- tychraysis, prolipsis, mettylipsis, superbaton, pollysyndreton, hustheronprotheron, proso- dypeia and the like, in ordher that he may never be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when he comes to their high-flown passidges. For unless we thrate them Fathers liberally to a handsome allowance ov thropes and figures, they'd set up heresy at onc't, so they would. " It's thru for you," says the Pope ; FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 25 " the figures ov spache is the pillars ov the Church." " Bedad," says his Rivrence, "I dunna what we'd do widout them at all." "Which one do you prefir ? " says the Pope? "that is," says he, "which figure of spache do you find most usefullest when you're hard set ?" "Metaphour's very good,"' says his Riv'r- ence, "and so's mettonymy — and I've known prosodypeia stand to me at a pinch mighty well — but for a constancy, superbaton's the figure for my money. Devil be in me," says he, "but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt, wid only a good stock ov superbaton." "Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need to have it backed, I judge, wid a small uiece ov assurance." "Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rence, "I'll prove it widout aither one or other. Black," says he, "is one thing, and white is another thing. You don't conthra- 26 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. vene that ? But every thing is aither one thing or another thing ; I defy the apostle Paul to get over that dilemma. Well ! If any thing be one thing, well and good ; but if it be another thing then it's plain it isn't both things, and so can't be two things — no- body can deny that. But what can't be two things must be one thing, — Ergo, whether it's one thing or another thing it's all one. But black is one thing and white is another thing, — Ergo, black and white is all one. Quod erat deinonsthrandum. "Stop a bit," says the Pope, "I can't althegither give in to your second minor — no — your second major," says he, and he stop- ped. "Faix, then," says he, getting con- fused, "I don't rightly remimber where it was exactly that I thought I seen the flaw in your premises." "Howsomdiver," says he, "I don't deny that it's a good conclusion, and one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the Church if it was dhrawn wid a little more distinctiveness." FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 27 "I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's face, by superbaton," says his Riv'rence. " My adversary says, black is not another color, that is, white ? Now that's jist a parallel passidge wid the one out ov Tertullian that me and Hayes smashed the heretics on in Clarendon Sthreet. 'This is my body, that is, the figure ov my body.' That's a superbaton, and we showed that it oughtn't to be read that way at all, but this way, 'This figure ov my body is my body.' Jist so wid my adversary's proposition, it mustn't be undherstood the way it reads, by no manner ov manes ; but it's to be taken this way, — ' Black, that is, white, is not an- other color, — green, if you like, or orange, be dad, for any thing I care, for my case is proved. 'Black, that is, 'white,' lave out the 'that,' by sinnalayphy, and you have the orthodox conclusion, 'Black is white,' or by convarsion, 'White is black.' " "It's as clear as mud," says the Pope. " Bedad," says his Riv'rence, " I'm in 28 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. great humor for disputin' to-night. I wisht your Holiness was a heretic jist for two min- utes," says he, "till you'd see the flaking I'd give you !" "Well then, for the fun o' the thing, sup- pose me my namesake, if you like," says the Pope laughing, "though by Jayminy," says he, "he's not one that I take much pride out ov." " Verry good — devil a betther joke ever I had," says his Riv'rence. "Come, then, Misther Pope," says he, "hould up that purty face ov yours, and answer me this question. Which 'ud be the biggest lie, if I said I seen a turkev-cock lying on the broad ov his back, and picking the stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say that I seen a gandher in the same intherrestin' posture, raycreating himself wid similar asthronomical experi- ments ? " " Answer me that, you ould swaddler ! " says he. " How durst you call me a swaddler. FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 29 sir?" says the Pope, forgetting, the dear man, the part he was acting. " Don't think to bully me ! " says his Riv'rence, I always daar to spake the truth, and it's well known that you're nothing but a swaddling ould sinner of a saint," says he, never letting on to percave that his Holiness had forgot what they were agreed on. "By all that's good," says the Pope, "I often hard ov the imperance ov you Irish afore," says he, "but I never expected to be called a saint in my own house, either by Irishman or Hottentot. '* I'll till you what, Misther Maguire," says he, "if you can't keep a civil tongue in your head, you had betther be walking off wid yourself; for I beg lave to give you to undherstand, that it won't be for the good ov your health if you call me by sich an outprobrious epithet again," says he. " Oh, indeed ! then things is come to a purty pass," says his Riv rence, (the dear funny soul that he ever was !) "when the likes 30 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. ov you compares one ov the Maguires ov Tempo, wid a wild Ingine ! Why, man ahve, the Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh three thousand years afore your grandfather, that was the first ov your breed that ever wore shoes and stockings'* (I'm bound to say, in justice to the poor Prodesan, that this was all spoken by his Riv'rence by way ov a figure ov spache), "was sint his Majesty's arrand to cultivate the friendship ov Prince Lee Boo, in Botteney Bay ! Oh Bryan dear," says he, letting on to cry, "if you were alive to hear a boddagh Sassenagh like this, casting up his counthry to one ov the name ov Maguire." " In the name ov God," says the Pope, very solemniously, what is the maning ov all this at all, at all ?" says he. " Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to him across the table, " sure you know we're acting a conthrawarsy, and you tuck the part ov the Prodesan champion. You would' nt be angry wid me, Pm sure, for FATHER TOM AXD THE POPE. 3 1 sarving out the heretic to the best ov my ability." " Oh begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the good-natured ould crethur ; " sure enough you were only taking your part as a good Milesian Catholic ought agin the heretic Sassenagh. Well," says he, "fire away, now, and I'll put up wid as many conthro- versial compliments as you plase to pay me." " Well, then, answer me my question, you sanctimonious ould dandy," says his Riv'rence. ** In troth, then," says the Pope, " I dunna which 'ud be the biggist lie. To my mind," says he, " the one appears to be about as big a bounce as the other." '* Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his Riv'rence, "don't you persave, that for- bye the advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length ov his neck, it 'ud be next to em- possible for the turkey-cock lying thataway to see what he was about, by rason ov his djollars and other accouthrements hanging 32 FATHHR TOM AND THE POPE. back over his eyes? The one about as big a bounce as the other ! Oh, you misfortunate crethur ! if you had ever larned your A. B. C. in theology, you'd have known that there's a differ betuxt them two hes so great, that, begad, I wouldn't wondher if it 'ud make a balance ov five years in purgathory to the sowl that 'ud be in it. Ay, and if it wasn't that the Church is too liberal entirely, so she is, it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to have him out as soon as the other. Get along, man, and take half-a- year at dogmatical tlieology: go and read your Dens, you poor dunce, you ! " " Raaly," says the Pope, " you're making the heretics shoes too hot to hould me. I wundher how the Prodesans can stand afore you at all." '• Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence, "don't think to back out ov your challenge now," says he, "but come to the scratch like a man, if you are a man, and answer me my question. What's the rason, FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 33 now, that Julius Caesar and the Vargin Mary was born upon the one day — answer me that if you wouldn't be hissed off the platform. Well, my dear, the Pope couldn't answer it, and he had to acknowledge himself sacked. Then he axed his Riv'rence to tell him the rason himself; and Father Tom communica- ted it to him in Latin. But as that is a very deep question, I never hard what the answer was, except that I'm tould it was so mysterious, it made the Pope's hair stand on end. But there's two o'clock, and Fll be late for the lecthir. CHAPTER III. HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS HOLI- NESS IN LATIN. OH, Docther Whateley, Docther Whate- ley, I'm sure I'll never die another death, if I don't die aither ov consumption or production ! I ever and always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till now, and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough enough morsel to brake a man's fast upon — and geolidgy is middling and hard too — and hydherastatics is no joke, — but ov all the books ov science that ever was opened and shut, that book upon P'litical Econimy lifts the pins. Well, well, if they wait till they persuade me that taking a man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain parts (34) FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 35 isn't doing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long time, in troth. But you're waiting, I see, to hear how his Riv'rence and his Holiness got on after finishing the disputation I was telling you ov. Well, you see, my dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hould a candle to Father Tom in theology and logic, he thought he'd take the shine out ov him in Latin any how: so says he, " Misther Maguire," says he, "I quite agree wid you that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits is ac- quainted wid; and," says he, " I think it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out in Latin," says he, "for fear the devil 'ud un- dherstand what we are saying." " Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, " whether he undherstands what we're say- ing or not, as long as we keep off that last pint we wor discussing and one or two others. Listeners never hear any good ov themselves," says he, "and if Belzhebub 36 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. takes any thing amiss that aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let him stand forrid like a man, and never fear, I'll give him his answer." " Howandiver, if it's for a taste ov classic conwersation you are, jist to put us in mind ov ould Cordarius," says he, " here's at you ;" and wid that he lets fly at his Holiness wid his health in Latin. " V'^esthrse Sanctitatis salutem volo," says he. " Vesthrae Revirintiae salubritati bibo," says the Pope to him again, (faith, its no joke I tell you, to remimber sich a power ov larning). " Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian. "Nunc poculum alterhum imple," says he. "Cum omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'rence. "Cum summa concupiscintia et animositate," says he, as much as to say, "Wid all the veins ov my heart, Pll do that same," — and so wid that they mix'd their fourth gun a-piece. FATHER TOM AXD THE POPE. 37 "Aqua vitas vesthra sane est liquor ad- mirabilis," says the Pope. ** Verum est pro te, — it's thrue for you " — says his Riv'rence, forgetting the idyim ov the Latin phwraseology in a manner. '* Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the Pope, finding fault like wid his ety- mology. " Parva culpa mihi," " small blame to me, that is," says his Riv'rence, *' nam multum laboro in partibus interioribus," says he — the dear man ! that never was at a loss for an excuse ! "Quid tibi incommodi ? " says the Pope, axing him what ailed him. " Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus, a looking-glass," says his Riv'rence. " Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum subther operculum pyxidis hujus starnuta- toriae," says the Pope, pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box, wid a looking-glass in undher the lid — " Subther operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatorii —no — starnutatoriae — quam 429061 -^8 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. O done accepi ab Archi-duce Austhriaco siptii- agisima prastherita," says he — as much as to say that he got the box in a prisint from the Queen ov Spain last Lint, if I rightly re- mi mber. Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At last, says he, " Father Sancte," says he, '* sub errore jaces. 'Looking-glass' apud nos habet significationem quamdam peculiar- em ex tempore diei dependentem," — there was a sthring ov accusatives for yez! — " nam mane speculum sonat," says he, "postprandi- um vero mat — mat — mat" — sorra be in me but I disremimber the classic appellivation ov the same article. Howandiver, his Riv'rence went on ex- plaining himself in such a way as no scholar could mistake. " Vesica mea," says he, " ab illo ultimo eversore distenditur, donee similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis, " says he, " Vesthrae Sanctitatis praesentia salvata, aquam facere valde desidhero." " Ho, ho, ho ! " says the Fope, grabbing FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 39 up his box, " si inquinavisses meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses — Hillo, Anthony," says he to his head butler, " fetch Misther Maguire a" — "You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off his sate: "You spoke first in the vernacular ! I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he. "What else would you have me to do?" says the Pope, quite dogged like to see him- self bate that-a-way at his own waypons. " Sure," says he, "Anthony wouldn't undher- stand a B from a bull's foot, if I spoke to him any other way." "Well, then," says his Riv'rence, "in considheration ov the needcessity," says he, " I'll let you off for this time ! but mind now, afther I say procstho, the first ov us that spakes a word ov English is the hare — prcestJio !'' Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, considering wid themselves how they were to begin sich a great thrial ov shkill. At last. 40 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. says the Pope — the blessed man, only think how 'cute it was ov him! — " Domine Mac- guire," says he, " valde desidhero, certiorem fieri de significatione istius verbi eversor quo jam jam usus es" — (well, surely I am the boy for the Latin ! ) •' Eversor, id est cyathus, " says his Riv'rence, " nam apud nos tiimbleri seu ev- ersores, dicti sunt ab evertendo ceremoniam inter amicos ; non, ut Temperantise Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet, ab evertendis ipsis potatoribus. (It's not every masther undher the Boord, I tell you, could carry sich a car load ov the dead langidges.) " In agro vero Louthiano et Midensi," says he, " nomine gaudent quodam secundum linguam Angli- canam significante bombardam seu torment- um ; quia ex eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immittere solent. Etiam inter haereticos illos melanostomos" (that was a touch ov Greek.) " Presbytcrianos Septen- trionales, qui sunt terribiles potatores, Cyathi dicti sunt facejxs, et dimidium Cyathi hccf- FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 4 I a-glessiis. Dimidium Cyathi vero apud Me- tropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur dandyy — " En verbum Anglicanum ! " says the Pope, clapping his hands, — " leporem te fecisti ; " as much as to say that he had made a hare ov himself. '' Dandoeus,dandoeiis verbum erat," says his Riv'rence — oh, the dear man, but its himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov a hobble — '' dandceus verbum erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, cum me in- therpillavisti." " Ast ego dico," says the Pope very sharp, "quod verbum