rda
 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 AT LOS ANGELES
 
 THE 
 
 EXPEDITION 
 
 O F 
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, 
 
 VOL. It
 
 THE 
 
 EXPEDITION 
 
 O F 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, 
 
 By the AUTHOR of 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 The SECOND EDITION. 
 VOL. II. 
 
 Quorfum hxc tarn putida tendunt, 
 Purcifer ? ad te, intyiam HOR. 
 
 LONDON. 
 
 Printed for W. JOHNSTON, in Ludgat-Stree&; 
 
 and B. COLLINS, in Salifbury. 
 
 MDCCLXXII.
 
 THE 
 
 EXPEDITION 
 
 O F 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 
 
 To DR. LEWIS. 
 
 DEAR LEWIS, 
 
 YOUR fable of the monkey and the 
 pig, is what the Italians call ben 
 trovata : but 1 (hall not repeat it to my 
 apothecary, who is a proud Scotchman, 
 very thin fkinned, and, for aught I know, 
 may have his degree in hi pocket A. 
 right Scotchman has always two firings 
 to his bow, and is in uttumqxt paratus 
 Certain it is, I have not 'leaped a Icour- 
 ing ; but, I believe, by means of that 
 VOL. II. B Icour- 
 
 ^ 
 
 197079
 
 2 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 fcouring, I have 'leaped fomething worfe, 
 perhaps a tedious fit of the gout or rheu- 
 matifm , for my appetite began to Hag, 
 and I had certain croakings in the bowels, 
 
 which boded be no gooc! Nay, I am 
 
 not yet quite free of thelc remembrances, 
 which warn me to be gone from this cen- 
 tre of infection 
 
 What temptation can a man of my turn 
 and temperament have, to live in a place 
 where every corner teems with frtfh ob- 
 jects of deteftation and difguft ? What 
 kind of tafte and organs miift thofe peo- 
 ple have, who really prefer the adulte- 
 rate enjoyments of the town to the ge- 
 nuine pleafures of a country retreat ? 
 Moft people, I know, are originally fe- 
 duced by vanity, ambition, and childifh 
 curiofity; which cannot be gratified, but 
 in the bufy haunts of men : bur, in the 
 courie of this gratification, their very 
 organs of fenfe are perverted, and they be- 
 come habitually lott to every relifh of what 
 is genuine and excellent in it's own na- 
 ture. 
 
 Shall I ftate the difference between my 
 town grievances, and my country com- 
 forts ? At Brambleton-hall, I have eU 
 bow-room within doors, and breathe a 
 
 clear, elaftic, falutary air 1 enjoy re- 
 
 frefliing
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 3 
 
 frefhing fleep, which is never difturbed 
 by horrid noife, nor interrupted, lu: in 
 a-morning, by the fweet twitter of the 
 martlet at my windoxv -I drink the vir- 
 gin lymph, pure and chryftalline as it 
 gufhes from the rock, or the fparkling* 
 beveridge, home-brewed from malt of my 
 own making; or I indulge with cyder, 
 which my own orchard affords-, or with 
 claret of the belt growth, imported for. 
 my own ufe, by a corrcfpondent on whofe 
 ifitegrity I can depend ; my bread is fweet 
 and nouriming, made from my own 
 wheat, ground in my own mill, and 
 ba"ked in my own oven ; my table is, in a 
 great meafure, furnished from my own 
 ground , my five-year old mutton, fed 
 on the fragrant herbage of the mountains, 
 that might vie with vcnifon in juice and 
 flavour; my delicious veal, fattened witli 
 nothing but the mother's milk, that fills 
 the difli with gravy; my poultry from 
 the barn-door, tint never knew confine- 
 ment, but when they were at rooft ; my 
 rabbits panting from the warren : my game 
 frefli from the moors ; my trout and fal- 
 mon ftruggling from the itream ; oyfters 
 from their native banks ; and herrings, 
 with other fca fih, I can eat in four hours 
 after they are taken .My falhds, roots, 
 B 2 and
 
 4 THE EXPEDITION oj 
 
 and pot herbs, my own garden yields in 
 plenty and perfection ; the produce of 
 the natural foil, prepared by moderate 
 cultivation. The fame foil affords all 
 the different fruits which England may 
 call her own, fo that my defert is every 
 day frefh-gnthered from the tree ; my 
 dairy flows with nectarious tides of milk 
 and cream, from whence we derive abun- 
 dance of excellent butter, curds, and 
 cheefe -, and the rcfule fattens my pigs* 
 that are deftined for hams and bacon I 
 go to bed betimes, and rife with the fun 
 I make fliift to pals the hours without 
 wearinefs or regret, and am not deftitute 
 of amuiements within doors, when the 
 weather will not permit me to go abroad 
 1 read, and chat, and play at billiards 
 cards, or back-gammon Without doors, 
 I fuperimend my farm, and execute plans 
 of improvement, the effects of which I 
 enjoy with unfpeakable delight Nor do 
 I take lefs pleafure in feeing my tenants 
 thrive under my aufpices, and the poor 
 Jive comfortably by the employment 
 which I provide You know I have one 
 or two ienfible friends, to whom I can 
 open all my heart; a blefllng which, per- 
 haps, I might have fought in vain among 
 the crowded fcenes of life : there are a 
 
 few
 
 HUMPHRY CLINK'ER. 5 
 
 tew others of more humble parts, whom 
 I efteern for their integrity ; and their 
 converfation I find /inoffenfive, thougli 
 not very entertaining. Finally, I live in 
 the midft of honeft men, and trufty de- 
 pendants, who, I flatter myfelf, have a 
 difmtcreited attachment to my perfon 
 You, yourielf, my dear Doctor, can 
 vouch for the truth of thefe affer- 
 tions. 
 
 Now, mark the contraft at London- 
 I am pent up in frowzy lodgings, where 
 there is not room enough to Iwing a cat j 
 and I breathe the ftreams of endlcfs pu- 
 trefaction , and thefc would, undoubtedly, 
 produce a peftiltnce, if they were not 
 qualified by the grofs acid of fea-coal, 
 which is itfelf a pernicious nufance to 
 lungs of any delicacy of texture : but 
 even this boafted corrector cannot pre- 
 vejat thofe languid, fallow looks, that 
 diftinguim the inhabitants of London 
 from thofe ruddy fwains that lead a coun- 
 try-life 1 go to bed after midnight, 
 
 jaded and reftlefs from rhe diflipadons of 
 the day I ftart every hour from my 
 deep, at the horrid noife of the watch- 
 men bawling the hour through every 
 ftreer, and thundering at every door j a 
 fet of ufelefs fellows, who ferve no other 
 B 3 pur-
 
 EXPEDITION or 
 
 purpofe but that of didurbing the repoie 
 of the inhabitants-, and by five o'clock I 
 iiare out of bed, in coniequence of thf 
 itill more dreadful alarm made by the 
 country carts, and noiiy rudics bellow- 
 ing green peafe under my window. If I 
 would drink water, I mud quaff the 
 maukifh contents of an open aqueduct, 
 expofed to all manner of defilement , or 
 Iwallow that which comes from the river 
 Thames, impregnated with all the filth 
 of London and Wedminder Human- 
 excrement is the lead offenfive part of the 
 concrete, which is compofed of all the 
 drugs, minerals, and poilons, ufed in me- 
 chanics and manufacture, enriched with 
 the putrefying carcaics of beads and men; 
 and mixed with the fcourings of all the 
 wadi-tubs, kennels, and common fewer?, 
 within the bills of mortality. 
 : . This is the agreeable potation, extolled 
 by the Londoners, as the fined water irr 
 the univerfe As to the intoxicating po- 
 tion, fold for wine, it is a vile, unpalat- 
 able, and pernicious fophidication, bal- 
 derdafhed with cyder, corn-fpirit, and the 
 juice of floes. In an action at law, laid 
 againd a carman for having daved a' 
 cafk of port, it appeared from the evi- 
 dence of the Cooper, that there were not* 
 
 above
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 7 
 
 above five gallons of real wine in the 
 whole pipe, which held above a hundred, 
 and even that had been brewed and adul- 
 terated by the merchant at Oporto. The 
 bread I cat in London, is a deleterious 
 pafte, mixed up with chalk; alum, and 
 bone-afhes ; infipid to the taile, and de- 
 ftrucYtve to the ronftitution. The good 
 p.ople are not ignorant of this adultera- 
 tion ; but they prefer it to wholcibme 
 bread, becaufe it is whiter than the meal 
 of corn : thus they facrifice their taile and 
 their health, and the lives of their tender 
 infants, to a molt abiurd gratification of 
 a mil-judging eye ; and the miJier, or the 
 baker, is obliged to poifon them and their 
 families, in order to live by his profef- 
 fion. The fame monftrous depravity ap- 
 pears in their veal, which is bleached by 
 repeated bleedings, and other villainous 
 arts, till there is not a drop of juice left 
 in the body, and the poor animal is pa- 
 ralytic before he dies ; fo void of all tafte, 
 nourimment, and favour, that a man might 
 dine as comfortably on a white fricalee 
 of kid-lkin gloves-, or chip hats from 
 Leghorn. 
 
 As they have difcharged the natural 
 
 colour from their bread, their butchers- 
 
 nitat, and poultry, their cutlets, ragouts, 
 
 B 4 fri-
 
 8 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 fricaflees, and fauces of all kinds; fo 
 they infift upon having the complexion of 
 their potherbs mended, even at the 
 hazard of their lives. Perhaps, you will 
 hardly believe they can be fo mad as to 
 
 "' "^eir greens with brafs half-pence, in 
 ^. j improve their colour, ; and yet 
 nothing is more true Indeed, without 
 this improvement in the colour, they have 
 no perfcnal merit. They are produced in 
 an artificial foil, and tafte of nothing but 
 the dunghills, from whence they fpring. 
 My cabbage, cauliflower, ard 'fparagus 
 in the country, are as much fuperior in 
 flavour fo thofe that are fold in Covent- 
 garden, as my heath-mutton is to that of 
 St. James's-market ; which in fa<5t, is 
 neither lamb nor mutton, but fomething 
 betwixt the two, gorged in the rank fens 
 &f Lincoln and Eflex, pale, coarfe, and 
 frowzy As for the pork, it is an abomi- 
 nable carnivorous animal, fed with horfe- 
 flefh and difiillers grains , and the poul- 
 try is all rotten, in confequence of a fever, 
 occafioned by the infamous practice of 
 fewing up the gut, that they may be the 
 fooner fattened in coops, in confequence 
 of this cruel retention. 
 
 Of the filh, I need fay nothing in this 
 hot weather, but that it comes fixty, 
 
 fc venty,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 9 
 
 fiventy, fourfcore, and a hundred miles 
 by land-carriage ; a circumftance fuffi- 
 cient without any comment, to turn a 
 Dutchman's ftomach, even if his nofe was 
 not faluted in every alley with the fweec 
 flavour of frejh mackarel, felling by re- 
 tail This is not the feafon for oyfters ; 
 neverthelefs, it may not be amifs to men- 
 tion, that the right Colchefter are kept 
 in flime-pits, occafionally overflowed by 
 the fea , and that the green colour, fo 
 much admired by the voluptuaries of this 
 metropolis, is occafioned by the vitriolic 
 fcurn, which rifes on the lurface of the 
 ftagnant and (linking water Our rab- 
 bits are bred and fed in the poulterer's 
 cellar, where they have neither air nor 
 exercife, confequently they muft be firm 
 in flefh, and delicious in flavour; and 
 there is no game to be had for love or 
 money. 
 
 It muft be owned, the Coven t-garden 
 affords fome good fruit-, which, how- 
 ever, is always engrofled by a few indi- 
 viduals of over-grown fortune, at an ex- 
 orbitant price -, fo that little elle than the 
 refute of the market falls to the mare of 
 the community , and that is diftributed by 
 fuch filthy hands, as 1 cannot look at 
 without loathing. It was but yefterday 
 B 5 thai
 
 io THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 that I faw a dirty barrow-bunter in the 
 ftreet, cleaning her dufty fruit with her 
 own fpittle; and, who knows but fome 
 fine lady of St. James's parifh might i;d- 
 mit into her delicate mouth thofe very 
 cherries, which had been rolled and 
 moittened between the filthy, and, per- 
 haps, ulcerated chops of a St Giles's 
 huckfter I need not dwell upon the pal- 
 lid, contaminated mafli, which they call 
 itrawberrics ; foiled and tolled by greafy 
 paws through twenty bafkets crufled 
 with dirt ; and then p relented wi'h the 
 worft milk, thickened with the worft 
 flour, into a bad likenefs of cream : but 
 the milk itfelf fliould not pafs unanalyfed, 
 the produce of faded cabbage-leaves and 
 four draff, lowered with hot water, frothed 
 with bruited inails, carried rhrotgh the 
 ftreets in open pails, expofed to foul 
 rinfings, difchargcd from doors and win- 
 dows, fpittle, fnot, and tobacco-quids 
 from foot- ps fie ngers, overflowings from 
 mud carts, fpatteiings from coach wheel*, 
 dirt and trafh chucked into it by roguifh 
 boys for the joke's fake, the fpewings of 
 infants, who have (Jabbered in the tin- 
 meafure, which is thrown back in that 
 condition among the milk, for the bene- 
 fit of the next cutfcmer -, and, finally, 
 
 the
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. ij 
 
 the vermin that drops from the rags of. 
 the nafty drab that vends this precious, 
 mixture, under the refpeftable denomi- 
 nation of milk-maid. 
 
 I mall conclude this catalogue of Lon- 
 don dainties, with that table-beer, guilt- 
 lefs of hops and malt, vapid and nau-. 
 feous ; much fitter to facilitate the opera- 
 tion of a vomit, than to quench third and 
 promote digeftion ; the tallowy rancid 
 mafs, called butter, manufactured with 
 candle-greafc and kitchen fluff; and their, 
 frefli eggs, imported from France and 
 
 Scotland. Now, all thefe enormities 
 
 might be remedied with a very little at- 
 tention to the article of police, or civil 
 regulation -, but the wife patriots of Lon- 
 don have taken it into their heads, that 
 all regulations is inconfiflent with liberty -, 
 and that every man ought to Jive in his 
 
 own way, without rcilraint Nay, as 
 
 there is not fenfe enough left among 
 them, to be difcompofed by the nufance 
 I have mentioned, they may, for aught 
 I care, wallow in the mire of their own. 
 pollution 
 
 . A companionable man will, imdoubt* 
 edly put up with many inconveniencies 
 for the fake of enjoying agreeable focicty. 
 A facetious friend of mine ufed to fay-, 
 the wine could not be bad, where the 
 B 6 com-
 
 12 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 company was agreeable ; a maxim which, 
 however, ought to be taken cum grano fa- 
 lls : but what is the fociety of London, 
 that I mould be tempted, for its fake, to 
 morrify my fenfes, and compound with 
 fuch uncleaanefs as my foul abhors ? All 
 the people I fee, are too much engrofied 
 by fchemes of intereft or ambition, to 
 have any room left for fentiment or 
 friend fhip Even in fome of my old ac- 
 quaintance, thofe fchemes and purfuits 
 have obliterated all traces of our former 
 connexion Converfation is reduced to 
 party difputes, and illiberal altercation- 
 Social commerce, to formal vifits and 
 card- playing If you pick up a diverting 
 original by accident, it may be dangerous 
 
 toamufe yourfelf with his oddities He 
 
 is generally a tartar at bottom ; a fharper, 
 a fyy, or a lunatic. Every perfon you 
 deal with endeavours to over-reach you 
 in the way of bufmefs ; you are preyed 
 upon by idle mendicants, who beg in th 
 phrafe of borrowing, and live upon the 
 
 fpoils of the ftranger Your tradefmen 
 
 are without confcience, your friends with- 
 out affection, and your dependents without 
 fidelity., 
 
 My letter would fwell into a treatife, 
 were I to particularize every caufe of of- 
 . fence that fills up the meafure of my 
 
 aver-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 13 
 
 averfion to this, and every other crowded 
 city Thank Heaven ! I am not fo far 
 fucked into the vortex, but that I can 
 difengage myfelf without any great effort 
 of philosophy From this wild uproar of 
 knavery, tolly, and impertinence, I fhall 
 fly with double relifh to the ferenity of re- 
 tirement, the cordial effufions of unre- 
 fervcd friendfhip, the hofpitality and pro- 
 tection of the rural gods ; in a word, the 
 jucunda obUvia vit<e, which Horace him- 
 felf had not tafte enough to enjoy. 
 
 I have agreed for a good travelling- 
 coach and four, at a guinea a day, for 
 three months certain ; and next week we 
 intend to begin our journey to the North, 
 hoping ftli to be with you by the lat- 
 ter end of October 1 fhall continue to 
 
 write from every ftage where we make 
 any confiderable halt, as often as any 
 thing occurs, which I think can afford 
 you the leaft amufemmt. In the mean 
 time, 1 muft beg you will fuperintend 
 the oeconomy of Barns, with refpect to 
 my hay and corn harvefts ; aflured that 
 my ground produces nothing but what 
 
 you may freely call your own On any 
 
 other term I fhould be afhamed to fub- 
 fcribe myfelf 
 
 your unvariable friend, 
 
 London, June 8. MATT. BRAMBLE*
 
 THE EXPEDITION OF 14 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart, of 
 Jefus college, Oxon, 
 
 DEAR PHILLIPS, 
 
 Tn my laft, I mentioned my having 
 fpentan evening with a fociety of authors,, 
 who feemed to be jealous and afraid of 
 one another. My uncle was not at all- 
 furprifed to hear me fay I was difappoint- 
 ed in their converfation. " A man may 
 " be very entertaining and inltru&ive 
 *' upon paper, (faid he) and exceedingly 
 " dull in common difcourfe- 1 have ob- 
 ct ferved, that thofe who mine moil in 
 " private company, are but fecondary 
 ** ftars in the conftelhtion of genius /i 
 *' fmall ftock of ideas is more eafily ma- 
 <c naged, and fooner difplayed, than a 
 " great quantity crowded together. There 
 " is very feldom any thing extraordinary 
 * c in the appearance and addrefs of a good 
 *' writer; whereas a dull author generally 
 " diftinguirties himfelf by fome oddity or 
 " extravagance. For this reafon, I fancy, 
 
 " that
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 15 
 
 " that an affembly of Grubs muft be very 
 ** diverting." 
 
 My curiofity being excited by this hint, 
 I conlulttd my friend Dick Ivy, who un- 
 dertook to gratify it the very next day, 
 which was Sunday lad. He carried me 
 
 to dine with S , whom you and I have 
 
 Jong known by his writings. He lives in 
 the fkirts of the town, and every Sunday 
 his houfe is opened to all unfortunate bro- 
 thers of the quill, whom he treats with 
 beef, pudding, and potatoes, port, punch, 
 and Calvert's entire butt beer. He has 
 fixed upon the firft day of the week for 
 the exercife of his hofpitality, becaufe 
 lome of his guefts could not enjoy it on 
 any other, for realbns that I need not ex- 
 plain. I was civilly received in a plain, yet 
 decent habitation, which opened backwards 
 into a very pleafant garden, kept in excel- 
 lent order ; and, indeed, I faw none of the 
 outward figns of authorfhip, either in the 
 houfe or the landlord, who is one of thofe 
 few writers of the age that ftand upon 
 their own foundation, without patronage, 
 and above dependence. If there was no- 
 thing characteriftic in the entertainer, the 
 company made ample amends for his 
 want of fingularity. 
 
 At
 
 16 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 At two in the afternoon, I founJ my- 
 felf one of ten mefs- mates feated at table ; 
 and, I queftion, if the whole kingdom 
 could produce fuch another aflcmblage of 
 originals. Among thtir peculiarities, I do 
 not mention thofe of drefs, which may be 
 purely accidental. What ftruck me were 
 oddities originally produced by affecta- 
 tion, and afterwards confirmed by habit. 
 One of them wore fpectacles at dinner, 
 and another his hat flapped ; though (as 
 Ivy told me) the firft was noted for hav- 
 ing a feaman's eye, when a bailiff was in 
 the wind -, and the other was never known 
 to labour under any weaknefs or defect of 
 vifion, except about five years ago, when 
 he was complimented with a couple of 
 black eyes by a p ayer, with whom he 
 had quarrelled in his drink. A third 
 wore a laced {locking, and made ufe of 
 crutches, becaufe, once in his life, he 
 had been laid up with a broken leg, 
 though no man could leap over a flick 
 with more agility. A fourth had con- 
 tracted fuch an antipathy to the country, 
 that he infifted upon fitting with his back 
 towards the window that looked into the 
 garden, and when a dim of cauliflower 
 was fet upon the table, he fnuffcd up vo- 
 latile
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 17 
 
 ladle frits to keep him from fainting; 
 yet thi$' delicate perfon was the fon of a 
 cottager, born under a hedge, and had 
 many years run wild among afies on a 
 common. A fifth affected diftraclion 
 When fpoke to, he always anfwered from 
 the purpofe fometimes he fuddenly ftart- 
 ed up, and rapped out a dreadful oath 
 fometimes he burft out a-laughing -then 
 he folded his arms, and fighed and then 
 he hified like fifty ferpents. 
 
 At firft I really thought he was mad, 
 and, as he fat near me, began to be under 
 fome apprehenfions for my own fafcty, 
 when our landlord, perceiving me alarm- 
 ed, aflured me aloud that 1 had nothing 
 to fear. " The gentleman (faid he) is 
 " trying to act a part for which he is by 
 " no means qualified if he had all the 
 " inclination in the world, it is not in his 
 " power to be mad, His fpirits arc too 
 " fiat to be kindled-into frenzy." " Tis 
 " no bad p-p-puff, how-ow-ever (obferv- 
 " ed a perfon in a tarnifhed laced coat) : 
 " arTflfcfled nvmadnefs w-will p-pafs for 
 " w-wit w-with nine ninet-teen out of 
 " t-twenty." " And afTecled fluttering 
 " for humour: replied our landlord, tho', 
 <c God knows, there is no affinity betwixt 
 *' them." It feems, this wag, after hay;* 
 
 ing
 
 i8 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 ing made fome abortive attempts in 
 plain fpeaking, had recourfe to this de- 
 fed:, by means of which he frequently ex- 
 torted the laugh of the company, without 
 the lead expence of genius ; and that im- 
 . perfection, which he had at firft counter- 
 feited, was now become fo habitual, that 
 he could not lay it afide. 
 
 A certain winking genius, who wore 
 yellow gloves at dinner, had, on his firft 
 
 introduction, taken fueh offence at S , 
 
 becaufe he looked and talked, and ate 
 and draflk like any other man, that he 
 fpoke contemptuoufly of his underitand- 
 ing ever after, and never would repeat 
 his vifitj until he had exhibited the fol- 
 lowing proof of his caprice. Wat Wyvil, 
 the poet, having made fome nnfuccefsful 
 advances towards an intimacy with S , 
 at la(t gave him to understand, by a third 
 perfon, that he had written a poem in his 
 praife, and a fatire againfl his perfon ^ 
 that if he would admit him to his houfe, 
 the firft fhould be immediately frnt to 
 prefs ; but that if he perfifted in declining 
 his friendlhip, he would publifh the fatire 
 without delay. S replied, that he 
 looked upon Wyvil's panegyrick, as in 
 ^effect, a fpecies of infamy, and would re- 
 fent it accordingly with a good cudgel ; 
 
 but
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. ,y 
 
 but if he publifhed the fatire, he might 
 dcfcrve his companion, and had nothing 
 to fear from his revenge. Wyvil having 
 confidered the alternative, relblved to 
 mortify S by printing the panegyrick, 
 for which he received a found drubbing. 
 Then he fwore the peace again ft the ag- 
 'greflbr, who, in order to avoid a profe- 
 ciuion at law, admitted him to his good 
 graces. Ic was the fingulariry in S 's 
 conduct on this occafion, that reconciled 
 him to the yellow-gloved philofopher, 
 who owned he had fome genius, and 
 from that period cultivated his acquain- 
 tance. 
 
 Curious to know upon what fubjefls 
 the ieveral talents of my fellow-guefta 
 were employed, I applied to my commu- 
 nicative friend Dick Ivy, who gave me to 
 uncterftand, that moft of them were, or 
 had been, underrtrapper-, or journeymen^ 
 to more creditable authors, for whom 
 they tranQated, collated, and compiled, 
 in the bufmels of book-making; and (hat 
 all of them had, at different times, la- 
 boured in the fervice of our landlord, 
 though they had now fet up for them- 
 felves in various departments of literature. 
 Not only their talents, but alfo their na^ 
 lions and dialects were lo various, that 
 
 our
 
 20 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 our converiation refembled the confufion 
 of tongues at Babel. We had the Irifh 
 brogue, the Scotch accent, and foreign 
 idiom, twanged off by the moft difcor- 
 dant vociferation , for, as they all ipoke 
 together, no man had any chance to be 
 heard, unlefs he could bawl loucler than 
 his fellows. It muft be owned, however, 
 there was nothing pedantic in their dif- 
 courfe j they carefully avoided all learn- 
 ed difquifitions, and endeavoured to be 
 facetious , nor did their endeavours al- 
 ways mifcarry fome droll repartee 
 palled, and much laughter was excited 5 
 and if any individual loft his temper fo 
 far as to tranfgrefs the bounds of deco- 
 rum, he was effectually checked by the 
 mafter of the feaft, who exerted a fort of 
 paternal authority over this irritable 
 tribe. 
 
 The moft learned philofopher of the 
 whole collection, who had been expelled 
 the univerfity for atheifm, has made great 
 progrefs in a refutation of lord Boling- 
 broke's metaphyfical works, which is faid 
 to be equally ingenious and orthodox ; 
 but, in the mean time, he has been pre- 
 lented to the g'an jury as a public nu- 
 fance, for having blafphemed in an ale- 
 houle on the Lord's day. The Scotch- 
 man
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 21 
 
 man gives lectures on the pronunciation 
 of the Englilh language, which he is now 
 publiihmg by lubfcription. 
 
 1 he Infliman is a political writer, and 
 goes by the name of my Lord Potatoe. 
 He wrote a pamphlet in vindication of a 
 minifter, hoping his zeal wouid be re- 
 warded with fome place or penfion ; but 
 finding himfelf neglected in that quarter, 
 he whifpered about, that the pamphlet 
 was written by the minifter himfelf, and 
 he publifhed an anfwer to his own pro- 
 duction. In this, he addrefied the author 
 under the title of your lordjhip with fuch/ 
 folemnity, that the public fwallowed the 
 deceit, and bought up the whole impref- 
 fion. The wife politicians of the metro- 
 polis declared they were both mafterly 
 performances, and chuckled over the 
 flimfy reveries of an ignorant garrctteer, 
 as the profound fpeculations of a veteran 
 ftatefman, acquainted with all the fecrets 
 of the cabinet. The impofture was detect- 
 ed in the fequel, and our Hibernian pam- 
 phleteer retains no part of his afTumed 
 importance, but the bare title of my lord, 
 and the upper part of the table at the po- 
 tatoe-ordinary in Shoe-lane. 
 
 Oppofite to me fat a Piedmontefe, who 
 had obliged the public with a humourous 
 
 fatire,
 
 si THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 fatire, in'ituled, T'be BaUance of the Englijh 
 Pcets, a performance which evinced the 
 great modeiry and tafte of the author, 
 and, in particular, his intimacy with the 
 elegancies of the Englim language. The, 
 fag,?, who laboured under the -. es p .*, 
 or horror of green fie'.ds, had jufl finifhed a 
 treatife on practical agriculture, though, 
 in facl, he had never fccn corn growing in 
 his life, and was fo ignorant of grain, that 
 our entertainer, in the face of the whole 
 company, made him own, that a plate of 
 Hominy was the bcft rice pudding he had 
 ever eat. 
 
 The ftutterer had almott finifhed his 
 travels through Europe and part of Afia, 
 without ever budging beyond the liberties 
 of the King's Bench, except in term-time^ 
 with a tipftaff for his companion ; and as 
 for little Tim Cropdale, the moft face- 
 tious member of the whole focic-ty, he' 
 had happily wound up the cataftrophe of 
 a virgin tragedy, from the exhibition of 
 which he promifed himfelf a large fund 
 of profit and reputation. Tim had made 
 Ihift to live many years by writing novels, 
 at the rate of five pounds a volume , but 
 that branch of bufinefs is now engroflrd 
 by female authors, who publilh merely 
 for the propagation of virtue, with fo 
 
 much
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 23 
 
 much cafe and fpirit, and delicacy, and 
 knowledge of the human heart, and all 
 in the ferene tranquillity of high life, that 
 the reader is not only inchanted by their 
 genius, but reformed by their morality. 
 
 Afcer dinner, we adjourned into the 
 garden, where, I obferved, Mr. S 
 gave a fliort feparate audience to every in- 
 dividual in a fmall remote filbert walk, 
 from whence moft of them dropt off 
 one after another, without further cere- 
 mony -, but they were replaced by frelh 
 recruits of the fame clan, who came to 
 make an afternoon's vifit; and, among 
 o:hers, a fpruce bookleller, called Bir- 
 kin, who rode his own gelding, and made 
 his appearance in a pair of new jemmy 
 boots, with mafly fpurs of plate. It was 
 not without reafon, that this midwife of 
 the Mules ufed exercife a-horfeback, for 
 he was too fat to walk a-foot, and he un- 
 derwent fome farcafms from Tim Crop- 
 dale, on his unwieldy fize and inaptitude 
 for motion. Birkin, who took umbrage 
 at this poor author's petulance in prefum- 
 ing to joke upon a man fo much richer 
 than himlelf, told him, he was not fo un- 
 wieldy but that he could move the Mar- 
 fhalfea court for a writ, and even overtake 
 him with it, if he did not very fpeedilv 
 
 come
 
 24 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 come and fettle accounts with him, re- 
 fpefting the expence of publishing his laft 
 ode to the king of Pruflia, of which he 
 had fold but three, and one of rhem was 
 to Whitfield the methodift. Tim afteft- 
 cd to receive this intima ion with good 
 humour, faying, he expected in a poft or 
 two, from Potfdam, a poem of thanks 
 from his Pruffian majefty, who knew very 
 well how to pay poets in their own coin ; 
 but, in the mean time, he- propoled, that 
 Mr. Birkin and he mould run three times 
 round the garden for a bowl of punch, to 
 be drank at Afhley's in the evening, and 
 he would run boots againft ftockings, 
 The bookfeiler, who valued himfelf upon 
 his mettle, was perfuaded to accept the 
 challenge, and he forthwith refigned his 
 boots to Cropdale, who, when he had 
 put them on, was no bad reprefentation 
 of captain Piftol in the play. 
 
 Every thing being adjufted, they ftart- 
 ed together with great impctuofity, and, 
 in the fecond round, Birkin had clearly 
 the advantage, larding the lean earth as he 
 puffed along. Cropdale had no mind to 
 conteft the victory further; but, in a 
 twinkling, difoppeared through the back- 
 door of the garden, which opened into a 
 private lane, that had communication 
 
 with
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 25 
 
 with the high read. The fpedtators im- 
 mediately began to hollow, " Stole away !" 
 and Birkin fet off in purfuit of him with 
 great eagernefs , but he had not advanced 
 twenty yards in the lane, when a thorn 
 running into his foot, fent him hopping 
 back into the garden, roaring with pain, 
 and fwearing with vexation. When h$ 
 was delivered from this annoyance by the 
 Scotchman, who had been bred to i'urge* 
 ry, he looked about him wildly, exclaim- 
 ing, <; Sure, the fellow won't be fuch a 
 " rogue as to run clear away with my 
 *' boots !" Our landlord, having recon- 
 noitered the (hoes he had left, which, in- 
 deed, hardly deferred that name, " Pray, 
 " (laid he) Mr. Birkin, wa'n't your boots 
 " made of calffkin?" " Calf-fkin or 
 " cow-lkin (replied the other) I'll find a 
 " flip of fheep-fkin that will do his bufi- 
 " nels I loft twenty pound-, by his farce 
 '* which you perfuaded me to bu\ I am 
 " out of pocket five pounds by his damn'd 
 " ode j and now this pair of boots, bran 
 " nev;, cod me thirty millings, as per re- 
 " ceipt But this affair of the boots is 
 
 *' felon, :ran!portation. 1' 1 have the 
 
 *' dogindided at the Old Bailey I will, 
 
 " Mr. S . I will be reveng'd, even 
 
 VOL. II. C 7 ' though
 
 26 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " though I Ihould lofemy debt in con- 
 " fequence of his conviction." 
 
 Mr. S^ faid nothing at prefent, but 
 accommodated him with a pair of (hoes ; 
 then ordered his fervant to rub him down, 
 and comfort him with a glals of rum- 
 punch, which feemed, in a great meaiure, 
 to cool the rage of his indignation. " Af- 
 u ter all (faid our landlord) this is no 
 " more than a humbug in the way of wit, 
 ' though it delerves a more refpeclable 
 " epithet, when confidered as an effort 
 " ot invention. Tim, being (I fuppofe) 
 " out of credit with the cordwainer, fell 
 44 upon this ingenious expedient to fupply 
 *' the want of (hoes, knowing that Mr. 
 * c Birkin, who loves humour, would him- 
 " iclf relilh the joke upon a little recol- 
 " lection. Cropdale literally lives by his 
 ** wit, which he has txerciied upon all his 
 lt friends in their tuins. He once bor- 
 " rowed my poney for five or fix days to 
 " go to Saliibury, and fold him in Smith- 
 *' field at his return. This was a joke of 
 ' luch a kiious nature, that, in the firft 
 '* rranfports of my paflion, I had fome 
 li thoughts of proiecuting him for horfe- 
 " ftealing; and even \\hen my' refent- 
 ** ment had in fome meaiure fubfided, as 
 
 ' " he
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 27 
 
 " he induftrioufly avoided me, I vowed, I 
 * 6 would take fatisfaition on his ribs with 
 *' the firit opportunity. One day, feeing 
 " him at lomedittancein the ftrect, coming 
 " towards me, 1 began to prepare my cane 
 " for action, and walked in the fhadow of 
 " a porter, that he might not perceive me 
 ** loon enough to make his efcape ; but, 
 " in the very inftant I had lifted up the 
 " initrument of correction, I found Tim 
 " Cropdale metamorphofed into a miler- 
 " able blind wretch, feeling his way with a 
 " long (tick from poft to poll, and rol!- 
 ** ing about two bald unlighted orbs in- 
 " (read of eyes. I was exceedingly fhocked 
 " at having to narrowly elcaped the con- 
 " cern and difgrace that would have at- 
 " tended fuch a mifapplicatiou of ven- 
 " geance : but, next day, Tim prevailed 
 " upon a friend of mine to come and fo- 
 ' licit my forgivenefs, and offer his note, 
 " payable in fix weeks, for the price of 
 *' the poney. This gentleman gave me 
 *' to underftand, that the blind man was 
 " no other than Cropdale, who having 
 " feen me advancing, and gueding my 
 " intent, had immediately converted him- 
 ' felf into the objecl: aforelaid I was fo 
 " diverted at the ingenuity of the evaf;or>, 
 " that I agreed to pardon his offence, re- 
 C 2 " fufing
 
 2 8 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 44 fufing his note, however, that I might 
 '* keep a profecution for fdony hanging 
 " over his head 5 as a fecurity for his fu- 
 " ture good behaviour- But Timothy 
 " would by no means truft himfelf in my 
 ** hands till the note was accepted then 
 " he made his appearance at my door as 
 " a blind beggar, and impofed in fuch a 
 ** manner upon my man, who had been 
 *' his old acquaintance and pot-compa- 
 4t nion, that the fellow threw the door in 
 " his face, and even threatened to give 
 *' him the baftinado. Hearing a nolle in 
 w the hall, I went thither, and imme- 
 " diately recollecting the figure I had 
 " pafled in the ftreet, accoitecl him by his 
 ** own name, to the unfpeakable aftonifh- 
 " ment of the footman." 
 
 Birkin declared he loved a joke as well 
 as another j but alked if any of the com- 
 pany could tell where Mr. Cropdale 
 lodged, that he might fend him a propc- 
 fal about reftitution, before the boots 
 mould be made away with, " I would 
 ** willingly give him a pair of new fhoes, 
 14 (faidhe) and half a guinea into the bar- 
 * gain, for the boots, which fitted me 
 " like a glove \ and I flian't be able to 
 " get the fellows of them till the gocd 
 ** weather for riding is over." The flut- 
 tering
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 29- 
 
 tcring wit declared, that the only fecret 
 which Cropciale ever kept, was the place 
 of his lodgings , but he believed) that, 
 during the heats of furmner, he commonly 
 took his repofe upon a bulk, or indul- 
 ged himfelf, in frcfco, with one of the 
 kennel-nymphs, under the portico of St. 
 Martin's church. " Pox on him I (cried 
 ** the bookfelkr) he might as well have 
 " taken my whip and fpurs In that cafe, 
 44 he might have been tempted to fteal 
 " another horfe, and then he would have 
 ** rid to the devil of courfe." 
 
 After coffee, I took my leave of Mr. 
 S " , with proper acknowledgments 
 ot '.us civility, and was extremely well 
 pieafed with the entertain rnent of the day, 
 though not yet fatisfied, with refpect to 
 the nature of this connexion, betwixt a 
 man of character in the literary world, and 
 a parcel of authorlings, who, in all pro- 
 bability, would never be able to acquire 
 any degree of reputation by their labours. 
 On this head I interrogated my conductor, 
 Dick Ivy, who anfwered me to this effect- 
 '* One would imagine S had fome view 
 44 to his own intereft, in giving countenance 
 " and'afiiftanceto thole people, whom he 
 * s knows to be bad men, as well as bad 
 " writers ; but, if he has any fuch view, 
 C 3 he
 
 5 o THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " he will find himfelf difappointed ; for 
 " if he is fo vain as to imagine he can 
 " make them fubfervient to his fchemes 
 44 of profit or ambition, they are cun- 
 " ning enough to make him their proper- 
 " ty in the mean time. 1 here is not one 
 " of the company you have teen to-day 
 " (myfelf excepted) who does not owe 
 
 ct him particular obligations One of 
 
 " them he bailed out of a fpunging-houfe, 
 " and afterwards paid the debt another 
 " he tranflated into his family, and cloth- 
 ** ed, when he was turned out half naked 
 " from jail in confequenre of an aft for 
 " the relief of iniolvent debtors a third, 
 ** who was reduced to a woollen night- 
 " cap, and lived upon fiaeeps trotters, up 
 " three pair of ilairs backward in But- 
 " cher-row, he took into prefent pay and 
 '* free quarters, and tnabled him to ap- 
 " pear as a gentleman, without having 
 '* the fear of fherifT's officers before his 
 " eyes. Thofe who are in diftrefs he 
 " lupplies with money when he has it, 
 " and with his credit when he is out of 
 " cafh. When they want bufinefs, he 
 " either finds employment for them in his 
 8v own fcrvice, or recommends them to 
 " bookiellers to execute fome projecl: he 
 ** has formed for their fubfjftence. They 
 
 " are
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 31 
 
 " are always welcome to his table (which 
 " though plain, is plentiful) and to his 
 " good offices as far as they will go , and 
 " when they fee occafion, they make ufe 
 " of his name with the moft petulant fa- 
 " miliarity ; nay, they do not even fcruple 
 " to arrogate to themfelves the merit of 
 " fome of his performances, and have been 
 " known to fell their own lucubrations as 
 ** the produce of his brain. The Scotch- 
 ** man you faw at dinner once perfonated 
 " him at an ale-houle in Weft-Smithfield, 
 " and, in the character of S- , had 
 
 " his head broke by a cow-keeper, for 
 " having fpoke difrefpectfully of the 
 " Chriftian religion j but he took the 
 " law of him in his own perfon, and the 
 ** aflailant was fain to give him ten pounds 
 4< to withdraw his aftion." 
 
 I obferved, tr\at a'l this appearance of 
 
 liberality on the fide of Mr. S was 
 
 cafily accounted for, on the fuppofition 
 that they flattered him in private, and en 
 gaged his adverlaries in public -, and yet I 
 was aftonifhed, when J recollected that I 
 often had leen this writer virulently abufed 
 in papers, poems, and pamphlets, and not 
 a pen was drawn in his defence < *' But 
 "you will be more aftonifLed (laid he) 
 ** when I allure you, thofe very guefts 
 C 4 *' whom
 
 THE EXPEDITION o> 
 
 " whom you law at his table to-day, were 
 * : the authors of great pa-t of that abufe -, 
 " and he himfelf is well aware of their 
 * 4 particular favours, for they are all 
 '* eager 10 detect and betray one ano. 
 " ther." " But this is doing the devil's 
 f ' work for nothing (cried I). What 
 *' ihould induce them to revile their bene- 
 " factor without provocation ?" *' Envy 
 " (anfwered Dick) is the general incite- 
 " ment ; but they are galled by an addi- 
 
 " tional fcourge of provocation. S 
 
 *' directs a literary journal, in which their 
 <-* productions are neceffarily brought to 
 " trial ; and though many of them have 
 " been treated with fuch lenity and fa* 
 " votir as they little deferved, yet the 
 ** flighteft cenfure, fuch as, perhaps, 
 " could not be avoided with any preten- 
 " fions to candour and Impartiality, has 
 " rankled in the hearts of thofe authors 
 " to fuch a degree, that they have taken 
 " immediate vengeance on the critic in 
 " anonymous libels, letters, and lam- 
 " poons. Indeed, all the writers of the 
 " a 8 s g 0: ' Dac ^5 anc ^ indifferent, from 
 " the moment he adumed this office-, 
 <c became his enemies, either profef- 
 *' fed or in petto, except thole of his 
 *' friends who knew they had nothing to 
 
 " fear
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 33 
 
 " fear from his ftrictures; and he muft be 
 " a wifer man than me who can tell what 
 " advantage or fatisfaction he derives from 
 " having brought fuch a neft of hornets 
 " about his ears." 
 
 I owned, that was a point which might 
 deferve confideration ; but flill I exprefied . 
 a defire to know his real motives for con- 
 tinuing his friendmip to a fet of rafcals 
 equally ungrateful and infignificanf He 
 faid, he did not pretend to afiign any rea- 
 fonable motive , that, if the truth muft 
 be told, the man was, in point of conduct, 
 a mod incorrigible fool ; that,, though he 
 pretended to have a knack at hitting off. 
 characters, he blundered ftrangely in the 
 distribution of his favours, which were 
 generally beftowed on the molt undeferv- 
 ing of thofe who had recourfe to his afliit. 
 ance ; that, indeed, this preference was- 
 not fo much owing to want of difcern- 
 ment as to want of refolution, for he had 
 not fortitude enough to refift the impor- 
 tunity even of the moft worthlefs; and,. 
 as he did not know the value of money, 
 there was very little merit in parting with, 
 itfo eafily, that his pride was gratified in 
 feeing himfelf courted by fuch a number 
 of literary dependants j that, probably, 
 he delighted in hearing them expofe and 
 C 5 tra-
 
 34 THE E X P E D I T I O N OF 
 
 traduce one another i and, finally, from 
 their information, he became acquainted 
 with all the traniacYions of Grub-ftreer, 
 which he had fome thoughts of compiling 
 for the entertainment of rhe public. 
 
 I could not help fufpecting, from Dick's 
 difcourfe, that he had fome particular 
 grudge againft S , upon whofe con- 
 duct he had put the worft conftruftion it 
 would bear -, and, by dint of crols-exa- 
 ruination, I found he was not at all latif- 
 fied with the character which had been 
 given in the Review of his laft perfor- 
 mance, though it had been treated civilly 
 in confluence of the author's application 
 to the critic. By all accounts, S is 
 not without weaknefs and caprice; but 
 he is certainly good-humoured and civi- 
 lized -> nor do I find, that there is any 
 thing over- bearing, cruel, or implacab.e 
 in his difpofidon. 
 
 I have dwelt fo long upon authors, 
 that you will, perhaps fufpe<fl I intend to- 
 enroll myfelf among the fraternity ; but, 
 if I were actually, qualified for the profet- 
 fion, it is at beft but a defperate reiburce 
 againft ftarving, as it affords no provifion- 
 for old age and infirmity, Salmon, at 
 the age of fourfcore, is now in a garret, 
 compiling matter, at a guinea a fhett foe 
 
 a, ma-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 35 
 
 a modern hiftorian, who, in point of age, 
 might be his grand-child , and Pfalmo- 
 nazar, after having drudged half a century 
 in the literary mill, in all the fimplicity and 
 abftinence of an Afiatic, fubfifts upon the 
 charity of a few bookfellers, juft fufficient 
 to keep him from the parifh, I think 
 Guy, who was himfelf a bookfeller, ought 
 to have appropriated one wing or ward 
 of his hofpital to the ufe of decayed au- 
 thors-, though indeed, there is neither 
 hofpital, college, nor work-houfe, within 
 the bills of mortality, large enough to 
 contain the poor of this fociety, com- 
 pofed, as it is, from the refufe of every 
 other profeffion. 
 
 I know not whether you will find any 
 amufement in this account of an odd race 
 of mortals, whofe constitution had, I own, 
 greatly interefted the curiofity of 
 
 Yours, 
 Londpn, June to. J. MELFORD. 
 
 C 6 To
 
 36 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 To Mifs L^TITIA WILLIS, at Gloucefter. 
 
 MY DEAR LETTY, 
 
 THERE is fomething on my fpirirs, 
 which I mould not venture to communi- 
 cate by the poft, but having the oppor- 
 tunity of Mrs. Brentwood's return, I feize 
 it eagerly, to difburthen my poor heart, 
 which is opprefled with fear and vexation. 
 O Letty! what a miferable fituation it 
 is, to be without a friend to whom one 
 can apply for counfel and confolation in 
 diftrefs ! I hinted in my laft, that one 
 Mr. Barton had been very particular irv. 
 his civilities : I can no longer miftake his 
 meaning he has formally profeffed him- 
 felf my admirer; and, after a thoufand 
 pffiduities, perceiving I made but a cold 
 return to his addrefles, he had recourfe 
 to the mediation of lady Grifkin, who has 
 acled the part of a very warm advocate in 
 his behalf:' 'but, my dear Willis, her 
 ladylhip over afts her part (he not only 
 expatiates on the ample fortune, the great 
 
 con-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 37- 
 
 connexions, and the unblemifhed charac- 
 ter of Mr. Barton, but fhe takes the trou- 
 ble to catechife me -, and, two days ago, 
 peremptorily told me, that a girl of my 
 age could not pofllbly refift fo many con- 
 fiderations, if her heart was not pre-en- 
 gaged. 
 
 This infmuation threw me into fuch a 
 ft'Jtter, that he could not but obfcrve 
 my diforder; and, prefuming upon the 
 difcovery, infifted upon my making her 
 the confidante of my paffion. But, al- 
 though I had not fuch command of my- 
 felf as to conceal the emotion of my 
 heart, I am not fuch a child as to difclofe 
 its fecrets to a perfon who would certainly 
 ufe them to its prejudice. I told her, it 
 was no wonder if 1 was out of counte- 
 nance at her introducing a fubject of con- 
 verfation fo unfuitable to my years and 
 inexperience ; that I believed Mr. Barton 
 was a very worthy gentleman, and I was 
 much obliged to him for his good opi- 
 nion; but the affections were involuntary, 
 and mine, in particular, had as yet made 
 no concefilons in his favour. She fhook 
 her head with an air of diftruft that made 
 me tremble ; and obferved, that if my af- 
 fections were free, they would fubmit to 
 the decifion of prudence, efpecially when 
 
 en* 
 
 197O79
 
 38 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 enforced by the authority of thofe who 
 had a right to direct my conduct. This 
 remark implied a defign to intereft my 
 uncle or my aunt, perhaps my brother, 
 in behalf of Mr. Barton's paflion ; and I 
 am fadly afraid that my aunt is already 
 gained over. Yefterday in the forenoon, 
 he had been walking with us in the Park, 
 and flopping in our return at a toy-mop, 
 he prefented her with a very fine fnuff- 
 box, and me with a gold etuis, which I 
 refolutely refufed, till {he commanded 
 me to accept it on pain of her difplea- 
 fure: neverthelefs, being ftill unfatisfied 
 with refpect to the propriety of receiving 
 this toy, I fignified my doubts to my 
 brother, who faid he would confult my 
 uncle on the fubje<5t, and feemed to think 
 Mr. Barton had been rather premature in 
 his prefents. 
 
 What will be, the refult of this conful- 
 tatioa, Heaven knows-, but I am afraid 
 it will produce an explanation with Mr. 
 Barton, who will, no doubt, avow his 
 paflion, and folicit their confent to a 
 connexion which my foul abhors ; for, 
 my deareft Letty, it is not in my power to 
 love Mr. Barton, even if my heart was 
 untouched by any other tendernefs. Not 
 that there is any thing difagreeable about 
 
 his-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 39 
 
 his perfon, but there is a total want of 
 that namelefs charm which captivates and 
 controuls the inchanted fpirit at leaft, 
 he appears to me to have this defect; but 
 if he had all the engaging qualifications 
 which a man can pofiefs, they would be 
 excited in vain againft that conftancy, 
 which, I flatter myfelf, is the characterise 
 of my nature. No, my dear Willis, I mpy 
 be involved in frefh troubles, and I be- 
 lieve I (hall, from the importunities of this 
 gentleman and the violence of my re- 
 lations ; but my heart is incapable of 
 change. 
 
 You know I put no faith in dreams; 
 and yet I have been much difturbed by 
 one that vifited me laft night. I thought 
 I was in a church, where a certain perfon, 
 whom you know, was on the point of be- 
 ing married to my aunt; that the clergy- 
 man was Mr. Barton, and that poor for- 
 lorn I, flood weeping in a corner, half 
 naked, and without fhoes or (lockings.- 
 Now, I know there is nothing Ib childilh 
 as to be moved by rhofe vain illufions ; 
 but, neverthelefs, in fpite of all my rea- 
 Ion, this hath made a ftrong imprefiion 
 upon my mind, which begins to be very 
 gloomy. Indeed, I have another more 
 l caufe of affliction i have fome 
 
 se-
 
 4 o THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 religious fcruples, my dear friend, which 
 lie heavy on my conference. I was per- 
 fuaded to go to the Tabernacle, where I 
 heard a difcourfe that affected me deeply. 
 I have prayed fervently to be enlighten- 
 ed, but as yet I am not feniible of thele 
 inward motions, thofe operations of grace, 
 which are the figns of a regenerated fpirit; 
 and therefore I begin to be in terrible 
 apprehenfions about the ftate of my poor 
 foul. Some of our family have had very 
 uncommon accefiions, particularly my 
 aunt and Mrs. Jenkins, who fometimes 
 fpeak as if they were really infpired -, fo 
 that I am not like to want for either 
 exhortation or example, to purify my 
 thoughts, and recall them from the vani- 
 ties of this world, which, indeed, I would 
 willingly refign, if it was in my power; 
 but to make this facrifice, I muft be en- 
 abled by luch afiiftance from above as 
 hath not yet been indulged to 
 
 Your unfortunate friend, 
 ;}une 10. XYDIA MEIFORD. 
 
 To
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 41 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jefus 
 college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR PHILLIPS, 
 
 THE moment I received your letter, I 
 began to execute your commifiion With 
 the affi/tance of mine holt at the Bull and 
 Gate, I difcovered the place to which 
 your fugitive valet had retreated, and 
 taxed him with his dimonefty The fel- 
 low was in manifefl confufion at fight of 
 me, but he denied the charge with great 
 confidence, till I told him, that it he 
 would give up the watch, which was a 
 family piece, he might keep the money 
 and the clothes, and go to the devil his 
 own way, at his leifure j but if he reject- 
 ed this propoial, I would deliver him 
 forthwith to the conftable, whom I had 
 provided for that purpofe, and he would 
 carry him before the juftice without fur- 
 ther delay. After fome he'fitation, he 
 defined to fpeak with me in the next room, 
 where he produced the watch, with all 
 
 its
 
 42 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 its appendages, and I have delivered it to 
 our landlord, to be fent you by the firft 
 fafe conveyance So much for bwfi- 
 nefs. 
 
 I fhall grow vain, upon your faying you 
 find entertainment in my letters; barren, 
 as they certainly are, of incident and im- 
 portance, becaufe your amufement muft 
 arife, not from the matter, but from the 
 manner, which you know is all my own 
 Animated, therefore, by the approba- 
 tion of a perfon, whofe nice tafte and 
 confummatc judgment I can no longer 
 doubt, I will chearfully proceed with our 
 memoirs As it is determined we lhall 
 fet out next week for Yorkfhire, I went 
 to-day in the forenoon with my unclr to 
 fee a carriage, belonging to a coach- 
 maker in our neighbourhood Turning 
 down a narrow lane, behind Longacre, 
 we perceived a crowd of people ftanding 
 at a door ; which, it feems, opened into 
 a kind of a methodift meeting, and were 
 informed, that a footman was then hold- 
 ing forth to the congregation within. 
 Curious to fee this phcenomenon, we 
 fqueezed into the place with much diffi- 
 culty, and who mould this preacher be, 
 but the identical Humphry Clinker. He 
 had finifced his fermon, an;'- iven our a
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 43 
 
 pfalm, the firfl ftave of which he fung 
 
 with peculiar graces But if we were 
 
 aflonifhed to lee Clinker in the pulpit, 
 we were altogether confounded at finding 
 all the females of our family among 
 the audience There was lady Grifkin, 
 Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, Mrs. Winifred 
 Jenkins, my filter Liddy, and Mr. Bar- 
 ton, and all of them joined in the pfal- 
 mody, with ftrong marks of devotion. 
 
 I could hardly keep my gravity on this 
 ludicrous occafion ; but old Square-toes 
 was differently affected The firft thing 
 that ftruck him, was the prefumption of 
 his lacquey, whom he commanded to 
 come down, with fuch an air of autho- 
 rity as Humphry did not think proper to 
 disregard. He defcended immediately, 
 and all the people were in commo- 
 tion. Barton looked exceedingly fheep- 
 i(h, lady Grifkin flirted her fan, Mrs. 
 Tabby groaned in fpirit, Liddy changed 
 countenance, and Mrs. Jenkins fobbed 
 as if her heart was breaking My uncle, 
 with a fneer, afked pardon of the ladies, 
 for having interrupted their devotion, 
 faying, he had particular bufinefs with 
 the preacher, whom he ordtrecl to call a 
 hackney-coach. This being immediately 
 brought up to the end of the lane, he 
 
 hand*
 
 44 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 handed Liddy into it, and my aunt and 
 I following him, we drove home, with- 
 out taking any further notice of the reit 
 of the company, who iliil remained in 
 filent aftonifhmenr.. 
 
 Mr. Bramble, perceiving Liddy in great 
 trepidation, afiumed a milder afpeft, bid- 
 ding her be under no concern, for he was 
 not at all difp leafed at any thing flic had 
 done' 1 I have no objection 'faid he) to 
 ** your being religioufly inclined , but I 
 " don't think my fervant is a proper 
 xt ghoftly diiector for a devotee of your 
 " fex and character if, in fact (as I 
 " rather believe) your aunt is not the folc 
 " conduclrefs of this machine" Mrs- 
 Tabitha made no anfwer, but threw up 
 the whites of Her eyes, as if in the act of 
 ejaculation Poor Liddy, faid, fhe had 
 no right to the title of a devotee j that (he 
 thought there was no harm in hearing a 
 pious difcourle, even if it came from a 
 footman, efpecially as her aunt was pre- 
 fent ; but that if fhe had erred from ig- 
 norance, fhe hoped he would excufe it, 
 as (he could not bear the thoughts of liv- 
 ing under his difpleafure. The old gen- 
 tleman, preffing her hand with a tender 
 fmile, faid fhe was a good girl, and that 
 he did not believe her capable of doing 
 
 any
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 45 
 
 any thing that could give him the lead 
 umbrage or difguft. 
 
 When we arrived at our lodgings, he 
 commanded Mr. Clinker to attend him 
 up flairs, and fpoke to him in thefe words 
 (t Since you are called upon by 
 * the fpirit to 'preach and to teach, it is 
 " high time to lay afide the livery of an 
 " earthly m after ; and for my parr, I 
 " am unworthy to have an apoftle in my 
 " fervice " " I hope (laid Humphry) 
 <c I have not failed in my duty to your 
 " honour I fhould be a vile wretch if I 
 " did, confidering the mifery from which 
 *' your charity and compafiion relieved 
 me but having an inward admonition 
 
 '* of the fpirit " " An admonition 
 
 " of the devil (cried the fquire, in a 
 " pafllon) What admonition, you block- 
 " head ? What right has fuch a felloxv 
 " as you to fet up for a reformer ?'* 
 " Begging your honour's pardon (re- 
 " plied Clinker) may not the new light 
 " of God's grace fnine upon the poor 
 " and the ignorant in their humility, as 
 " well as i:pon the wealthy, and the ph: 
 " lofopher in all his pride of human 
 " learning r" '* What you imagine to be 
 " the new light of grace (faid his ma- 
 ** fter) I take to be a deceitful vapour. 
 
 " glim-
 
 4 6 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 *' glimmering through a crack in your 
 
 " upper ftory In a word. Mr. Clinker, 
 
 " 1 will have no light in my family but 
 
 '* what pays the king's taxes, unkfs it 
 
 " be the light of reafon, which you don't 
 
 *' preteno to follow ." 
 
 " Ah, fir ! (cried Humphry,) the ligntof 
 
 " realbn, is no more in companion to 
 
 " the light I mean, than a farthing can- 
 
 " die to the fun at noon " " Very true, 
 
 44 (faid uncle, the one will ferve to Ihew 
 
 ** you your way, and the other to daz- 
 
 14 z!e and confound your weak brain 
 
 " Heark-ye, Clinker, you are either an 
 
 ** hypocritical knave, or a wrong head- 
 
 " ed enthufiaft j and, in either cafe, un- 
 
 " fit for my fervice If you are a quack 
 
 " in fanctity and devotion, you will 
 
 " find it an eafy matter to impoie upon 
 
 " filly women, and others of crazed un- 
 
 " derftanding, who will cuntribute la- 
 
 " vifhly for your fupport If you are re- 
 
 * ally feduced by the reveries of a di- 
 
 ** flurbed imagination, the fooner you 
 
 " lofe your fenfes entirely, the better for 
 
 '* yourfelf and the community. In tiiat 
 
 " cafe, iome charitable perfon might 
 
 ** provide you with a dark room and 
 
 " clean ftraw in Bedlam, where ir would 
 
 " not be in your power to infect others 
 
 " with
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 47 
 
 * : with your fanaticifm; whereas, if you 
 * c have juft reflection enough Jeft to 
 *' maintain the character of a chofen vef- 
 *' fel in the meetings of the godly, you 
 " and your hearers will be mifled by a 
 '* Will-i'the-wifp, from one error into 
 *' another, till you are plunged into re- 
 *' ligious frenzy ; and then, perhaps, you 
 " will hang yourfelf in defpair '* 
 <l Which the Lord of his infinite mercy 
 " forbid ! (exclaimed the affrighted Clin- 
 " ker) It is very pofiible I may be under 
 " the temptation of the devil, who wants 
 " to wreck me on the rocks of fpiritual 
 pride Your honour fays, I am either 
 < a knave or a madman; now, as I'll 
 " aflure your honour, I am no knave, 
 *' it follows that I muft be mad ; there- 
 " fore, I befeech your honour, upon my 
 " knees, to take my cafe into confidera- 
 48 tion, that means may be ufed for my 
 " recovery " 
 
 The 'fquire could not help fmiling at 
 the poor fellow's fimplicity, and pro- 
 mifed to take care of him, provided he 
 would mind the bufmefs of his place, 
 without running after the new-light of 
 method ifm : but Mrs. Tabjtha took of- 
 fence at his humility, which me inter- 
 preted into poornefs of fpirit and world- 
 ly
 
 .48 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 ly mindednefs She upbraided him with 
 the want of courage to fufFer for con- 
 fcience fake She oblerved, that if he 
 fhould lofe his place for bearing tefli- 
 mony to the truth, Providence would not 
 fail to find him another, perhaps more 
 advantageous , and, declaring that it 
 could not be very agreeable to live in a 
 family where an inquifition was eftablifli- 
 ed, retired to another room in great agi- 
 tation. 
 
 My uncle followed her with a fignifi- 
 cant look, then, turning to the preacher, 
 " You hear what my filler fays If you 
 " cannot live with me upon iuch terms 
 " as I have prescribed, the vineyard of 
 " rnethodifm lies before you, and fhe 
 '* feems very well difpoied to reward 
 " your labour" " I would not wil- 
 " lingly give offence to any foul ifpcn 
 " earth (anfwered Humphry); her lady- 
 " fhip has been very good to me, ever 
 u fince we came to London , and furely 
 " fhe has a heart turned for religious 
 " exercifes; and both Die and lady Gri r - 
 " kin fing pfalms and hymns like two 
 *' cherubims But, at the fame time, 
 " I'm bound to love and obey your hc- 
 *' nour It becometh not iuch a poor 
 " ignorant fellow as nie, to hold dif- 
 
 11 pute
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 49 
 
 " pute with gentlemen of rank and l?arr.- 
 ing <\ s for the matter of knowledge, 
 " I am no rr.or^ than a beaft in comp t - 
 " rifjn of your honour ; therefore I 1'ub- 
 " mit ; and, with God's grace, I will 
 " follow you to the world's end, if you 
 <c don't think me too far gone to be out 
 ** of confinement " 
 
 His mafter promifed to keep him for 
 fome time longer on trial; then defired 
 to know in what manner lady Grifkin and 
 Mr. Barton came to join their religious 
 fociety, he told him, that her ladyfhip 
 was the perfon who firft carried my aunt 
 and filler to the Tabernacle, whither he 
 attended them, and had his devotion 
 
 kindled by Mr. W 's preaching : that 
 
 he was confirmed in this new way, by the 
 preacher's fermons, which he had bought 
 and ftudied with great attention : that 
 his difcourfe and prayers had brought 
 over Mrs. Jenkins and the houie-maid to 
 the fame way of thinking ; but as for Mr. 
 Barton, he had never feen him at fcrxice 
 before this day, when he came in cc^ 
 
 pany with lady Grifkin -Humphry, 
 
 moreover, owned that he had been en- 
 couraged to mount the roftrum, by the 
 example and fuccefs of a weaver, who 
 was much followed as a powerful mini- 
 
 VOL. II. D fter-.
 
 5 o THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 Her : that on his firft trial he found him- 
 felf under fuch ftrong impulfions, as 
 made him believe he was certainly moved 
 by the fpirit ; and that he had affifted in 
 lady Giiikin's, and feveral private houies, 
 at exerciles of devotion. 
 
 Mr. Bramble was no fooner informed, 
 that her ladyfhip had acted as the primum 
 mobile of this confederacy, than he con- 
 cluded (he had only made ufe of Clinker 
 as a tool, fubfervient to the execution of 
 iome defign, to the true fecret of which 
 he was an utter flranger He obferved, 
 that her lady (hip's brain was a perfect 
 mill for projects -, and that (he and Tab- 
 by had certainly engaged in fome fecrct 
 treaty, the nature of which he could not 
 comprehend. I told him I thought it was 
 no difficult matter to perceive the drift 
 of Mrs. Tabitha, which was to enfnare 
 the heart of Barton, and that in all like- 
 lihood my lady Grifkin acted as her auxi- 
 liary : that this fuppofition would account 
 for their endeavours to convert him to 
 methodifm ; an event which would occa- 
 fion a connexion of fouls that might be 
 eafily improved into a matrimonial union. 
 My uncle feemed to be much divert- 
 ed by the thoughts of this fcheme's 
 
 iuc-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 51' 
 
 fucceeding ; but t gave him to undcr- 
 ftand, that Barton was pre-engaged : that 
 he had the day before made a prefent of 
 an etuis to Liddy, which her aunt had 
 obliged her to receive, with a view, no 
 doubt, to countenance her own accept- 
 ing of a fnurT-box at the fame time ; that 
 my fifter having made me acquainted 
 with this incident, I had defired an ex- 
 planation of Mr. Barton, who declared 
 his intentions were honourable, and ex- 
 prcffcd his hope that I would have no ob- 
 jections to his alliance ; that I had thank- 
 ed him for the honour he intended our 
 family , but, told him^ it would be ne- 
 ceflary to confult her uncle and aunt, 
 who were her guardians ; and their appro- 
 bation being obtained, 1 could have no 
 objection to his propofal; tho.gh I was 
 perfuaded that no violence would be of- 
 fered to my filter's inclinations, in a 
 tranfaclion that fo nearly intercfted the 
 happincfs of her future life : that he had 
 aflurcd me, he mould never think of a- 
 vailing himfelf ot a guardian's authority, 
 unlefs he could render his addrcfles agree- 
 able to the young lady herfelf , and that 
 he wou'd immediately demand permifllcn 
 of Mr. and Mrs. Bramble, to make Liddy 
 a tender of his hand and fortune. 
 
 D 2 The
 
 52 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 The fquire was not infenfible to the 
 advantages of fuch a match, and declared 
 he would piomote it with all his in- 
 fluence , but when I took notice that 
 there Teemed to be an averfion on the 
 fide of Liddy, he faid he would found 
 her on the (object; and if her reluctance 
 was fuch as would not be eafily overcome, 
 he would civilly decline the propofal of 
 Mr. Barton ; for he thought that, in the 
 choice of a hufband, a young woman 
 ought not to facrifice the feelings of her 
 heart for any confideration upon earth 
 " Liddy is not fo defperate (faid he) 
 " as to worlhip fortune at fuch an ex- 
 " pence." I take it for granted, this whole 
 affair will end in fmoke ; though there 
 leems to be a ftorm brewing in the quar- 
 ter of M:s. Tabby, who fat with all the 
 fullen dignity of filence at dinner, fcem- 
 ingly pregnant with complaint and ex- 
 poftulation. As fhe had certainly mark- 
 ed Barton for her own prey, fhe cannot 
 polTibly favour his fuit to Liddy , and 
 therefore I expect form-thing extraordi- 
 nary will attend his declaring himfelf my 
 filter's admirer. This declaration will 
 certainly be made in form, as foon as the 
 lover can pick up reiolution enough to 
 ftand the brunt of Mrs. Tabby's difap- 
 
 pointment ;
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 53 
 
 pointment ; for he is, without doubt, 
 
 aware of her defigns upon his perfon 
 
 The particulars of the denouement you 
 (hall know in due feaibn : mean while 
 lam 
 
 Always yours, 
 I.ondon, June to, J. 
 
 To Dr. LEWIS, 
 
 DEAR LEWIS, 
 
 THE deceitful calm was of ftiort du- 
 ration. I am plunged again in a fea of 
 vexation, and the complaincs in my 
 ftamach and bowels are returned \ fo 
 that I fuppofe I (hail be diiabled from 
 profecuting the excurfion I had planned 
 What the devil had I to do, to come 
 a plague hunting with a leafh of females 
 jn my train ? Yefterday my precious lifter 
 (who, by the bye, has been for fome time 
 a profefled method ift) came into my a- 
 partment, attended by Mr. Barton, and- 
 D 3 defired
 
 54- THE EXPEDITION OP 
 
 tlefired an audience wirh a very (lately- 
 air " Brother, (faid (he) this gende- 
 " man has fomething to propofe, which 
 *' I flatter my&lf will be the more accept- 
 ' able, as it will rid you of a trouble- 
 " fome companion " Then Mr. Barton 
 proceeded to this-efftcl c< I am, indetd, 
 " extremely ambitious of being allkd to 
 * c your family, Mr. Bramble, md I hope; 
 " you will fee no caufe to interpofe your 
 " authority." As for authority, (faid 
 *' Tatby, interrupting him with fome 
 ' warmth) I know of none that he lias 
 
 *' a right to ufe on this occafion If i 
 
 ** pay him the compliment of making 
 " him acquainted with the ftep I intend 
 *' to take, it is all he can expeft in rea- 
 " fon This is as much as I believe h* 
 ' would do by me, if he intended to 
 * change his own fituation in life In a 
 ** word, brother, I am fo fenfible of Mr. 
 '* Barton's extraordinary merit, that I 
 *' have been prevailed upon to alter my 
 " refolution of living a fingle life, and to 
 " put my happiritfs in his hands, by 
 ' veiling him with a legal title to my 
 " perfon and fortune, fuch as they are. 
 " The bufinefs at prtfent, is to have the 
 *' writings drawn j and I fhall be obli- 
 
 ' <l gcd
 
 HUMPH RYCLINKER. 55 
 
 *' ged to you, if you will recommmend a 
 " lawyer to me for that purpofe " 
 
 You may guefs what an effect this 
 overture had upon me ; who, rrom the 
 information of my nephew, expected that 
 Barton was to make a formal declaration 
 of his pafiion for Liddy j I could not help 
 gazing in filent aftonifhment, alternately 
 at Tabby, and her fuppofed admirer, 
 who laft hung his head in the moft auk- 
 ward confufion for a few minutes, and 
 then retired on pretence of being fudden- 
 
 ly feized with a vertigo Mrs. Tabitha 
 
 affected much concern, and would have 
 had him make ufe of a bed in the houfe ; 
 but he infifted upon going home, that he 
 might have recourfe to fomc drops, which, 
 he k-.pt for fuch emergencies, and his in- 
 namorata acquiefced In the mean time I 
 was exceedingly puzzled at this adven- 
 ture (though I fufptcted the truth) and 
 did not know in what manner to demeaa 
 myfelf towards Mrs. Tabitha, when Jery 
 came in and told me, he had jufl feen Mr.. 
 Barton alight from his chariot at lady, 
 Grifkin's door 1 his incident Teemed to 
 threaten a vifit from her ladyfhip, with 
 which we were honoured accordingly, in 
 kfs than half an hour 4 ' I find (/aid fhe) 
 *' there has been a match of crofs pur- 
 04 ' pofes.
 
 56 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " pofes among you good folks , and I'm 
 '* come to fet you to rights " So fay- 
 ing, fhe prefented me with the following 
 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 ** I no fooner recollected myfelf from 
 
 * the extreme confufion I was thrown in- 
 
 * to, by that unlucky miftake of your 
 " filler, that I thought it my duty to 
 " allure you, than my devoirs to Mr?. 
 " Bramble never exceeded the bounds of 
 
 * ordinary civility ; and that my heart is 
 
 * unalterably fixed upon Mifs Liddy 
 
 * Melford, as I had the honour to de- 
 
 * clare to her brother, when he queftion- 
 4 ed me upon that fubjecl Lady Grifkin 
 
 * has been fo good as to charge herfelf, 
 
 * not only with the delivery of this note, 
 " but alib with the tafk of undeceiving 
 Ci Mrs Bramble, for whom I have the 
 " mod profound refpedl and veneration, 
 " though my afFeclion being otherwife 
 
 . (t ency-aged, is no longer in the power 
 " of 
 
 " Sir, 
 '" Your very humble fervant, 
 
 u RALPH BARTON.**
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 57 
 
 Having caft my eyes over this billet, I 
 told her ladyfhip, that I would no lon- 
 ger retard the friendly office (he had un- 
 dertaken : and 1 and Jery forthwith re- 
 tired into another room. There we foon 
 perceived the converfation grow very 
 warm betwixt the two ladies ; and, ac 
 length, could diftinclly hear certain terms 
 of altercation, which we could no longer 
 delay interrupting, with any regard to de- 
 corum. When we entered the fcene or" 
 contention, we found Liddy had joined 
 the difputants, and flood trembling be- 
 , twixt them, as if fhe had been afraid they 
 would have proceeded to fomething more 
 
 practical than words Lady Grifkin's 
 
 face was like the full moon in a llorm of 
 wind, glaring, fiery, and portentuous ; 
 while Tabby looked grim and ghaftly, 
 with an afpect breathing difcord and dif- 
 may. Our appearance put a flop to their 
 mutual revilings ; but her ladyfhip turn- 
 ing to me, " Coufm (faid fhe) I can't 
 *' help faying I have met with a very un- 
 " grateful return from this lady, for the 
 ** pains I have taken to ferve her fami- 
 " ly " " My family is much obliged 
 " to your ladyfhip (cried Tabby, with a 
 " kind of hyflerical giggle) ; but we 
 " have no right to the good offices of 
 D /; ' iuch
 
 58 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 44 fuch an honourable go-between.** 
 
 41 But, for all that, good IV. rs Tabitha 
 
 c Bramble, (refumed the other) I fhall 
 
 ' be content with the reflection, That 
 
 *' virtue is its own reward , and it fha!l 
 
 * 4 not be my fault, if you continue to 
 
 44 make yourfelf ridiculous Mr Bram- 
 
 *' ble, who has no little intereft of his 
 
 ' own to ferve, will, no doubt, contri- 
 
 " bute all in his power to promote a 
 
 " match betwixt Mr. Barton and his 
 
 * niece, which will be equally honour- 
 
 * l able and advantageous ; and, I dare 
 
 41 fay, Mifs Liddy herfelf will have no 
 
 t4 objecY.on to a meafure fo well calcu- 
 
 11 lated to make her happy in life " 
 
 ** I beg your ladyfhip's pardon (exclaim- 
 
 44 ed Liddy, with great vivacity) I have 
 
 " nothing but mifery to expecl from fuch 
 
 ' a meafure , and I hope my guardians- 
 
 ' will have too much companion, to bar- 
 
 44 ter my peace of mind for any confide - 
 
 4< ration of intereft or fortune " " Up- 
 
 *' on my word, Mifs Liddy ! (faid fhe) 
 
 * you have profited by the example of 
 
 Cf your good aunt I comprehend your 
 
 44 meaning, and vvill explain it when I 
 
 44 have a proper opportunity In the 
 
 " mean time, I lhall take my leave 
 
 44 Madam, your moft obedient, and de- 
 
 44 voted
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 59, 
 
 * c voted humble fervant," faid fhe, ad- 
 vancing clofe up to my filter, and curtfy- 
 ing to low, that I thought (he intended to 
 fquac herielf down on the floor -This 
 falutation Tabby returned with equal fo- 
 lemnity , and the exprefiion of the two 
 faces, while they continued in this atti- 
 tude, would be no bad fubject for a pen- 
 cil like that of the incomparable Ho- 
 garth, if any fuch mould ever appear 
 again, in thde times of dullnefs and de- 
 generacy. 
 
 Jery accompanied her ladyfhip to her 
 houfe, that he might have an opportu- 
 nity to re (tore the etuis to Barton, and 
 advife him to give up his luit, which 
 was fo difagreeable to his fitter, agatftft 
 whom, however, he returned much irri- 
 tated Lady Grifkin had allured him that 
 Liddy's heart was pre occupied ; and im- 
 mediately the idea of Wilfon recurring to 
 his imagination, his family-pride took the 
 alarm He denounced vengeance againit 
 that adventurer, and was difpofed to be 
 very peremptory with his filter-, , but I 
 defired he would fupprefs his refentmenr,. 
 until I mould have talked with her in 
 private. 
 
 The poor girl, when I earneftly prel~ 
 
 cd her on this head, owned with a flood 
 
 D 6 o
 
 60 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 of tears, that Wilfon had actually come 
 to the Hot Well at Briftol, and even in- 
 troduced himfelf into our lodgings as a 
 Jew pedlar ; but that nothing had pafied 
 betwfot them, further than her begging 
 'him to withdraw immediately, if he had 
 any regard for her peace of mind : that 
 he had difappeared accordingly, after 
 having attempted to prevail upon my 
 fiftei's maid, to deliver a letter; which> 
 however, ihe refufed to receive, though 
 (he had confented to carry a meflage, im- 
 porting that he was a gentleman or. a good 
 family -, and that, in a very little time, he 
 would avow his paiTion in that character 
 She confefied, that although he had 
 not kept his word in this particular, be 
 was not yet altogether indifferent to her 
 ^Section ; but iolemnly promiied, fhe 
 would never carry on any correfpondence 
 with him, or any other admirer, for the 
 future, without the privity and approba- 
 tion of her brother and me. 
 
 By this declaration, (he made her own 
 peace with Jery; but the hoi-headed boy 
 is more than ever incenfed againft Wil- 
 ibn, whom he now confiders as an im- 
 ^poftor, that harbours fome infamous de- 
 fign upon the honour of his famil). As 
 for Barton, he was not a liitle mortified 
 
 to
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 61 
 
 to find his prefent returned, and his ad- 
 drefies fo unfavourably received ; but he~ 
 is not a man to be deeply affected by fuch 
 difappointments; and I know not whe- 
 ther he is not as well pleafed with being 
 difcarded by Liddy, as he would have 
 been with a permiflion to profecute his 
 pretenfions, at the rifque of being every 
 day expofed to the revenge or machina- 
 tions of Tabby, who is not to be flighted 
 with impunity. I had not much time 
 to moralize on thefe occurrences , for the 
 houle was vifited by a conflable and his 
 gang, with a warrant from juftice Buz- 
 zard, to fearch the box of Humphry 
 Clinker, my footman, who was juft ap- 
 prehended as a highwayman This inci- 
 dent threw the whole family into confu- 
 fion. My fifter fcolded the conftable for 
 prefuming to enter the lodgings of a gen- 
 tleman on fuch an errand, without having 
 firft afked, and obtained permiflion ; her 
 maid was frightened into fits, and Lid- 
 dy flied tears of compaflion for the unfor- 
 tunate Clinker, in whofe box, however, 
 nothing was found to confirm the fufpi- 
 tion of robbery. 
 
 For my own part, I made fto doubt of 
 the fellow's being miftaken for fome 
 other perfon, and I went directly to 
 
 the
 
 6a THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 the juftice, in order to procure his dif- 
 charge ; but there I found the matter 
 much more lerious than I expected Poor 
 Clinker flood trembling at the bar, fur- 
 rounded by thief-takers ; and at a little 
 diftance, a thick, fquac fellow, a poiti- 
 lion, his accufer, who had feized him in 
 the ftreet, and (wore pofnively to his per- 
 fon, that the laid Clinker had, on the 
 1 5th day of March laft, on Blackheath^ 
 robbed a gentleman in a poft-chaiie, 
 which he '^the pofhlion) drove This de- 
 pofition was fufficient to juilify his com- 
 mitment ; and he was fent accordingly to 
 Clerkenwell prilbn, whither Jery accom- 
 panied him in the coach, in order to re- 
 commend him properly to the keeper,, 
 that he may want for no convenience 
 which, the place affords. 
 
 The fpeclators^ who aflembled to fee 
 this highwayman, were fagacious enough 
 to difcern fomething very villainous in his 
 afpe.ct ; which (begging their pardon) is 
 the very picture of fimplicity i and the 
 juftice hirnfelf put a very unfavourable 
 conftruction upon feme of his anfwers, 
 which, he faid, favoured of the ambi- 
 guity and equivocation of an old offender; 
 but, in my opinion, it would have been 
 more juft and humane to impute them 
 to the confufion into which we may fup- 
 
 poie
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 63; 
 
 pofe a poor country lad to be thrown on 
 Inch an occafion. [ am ftill perfuaded he 
 is innocent; and, in this perluafion, lean 
 do no lefs than uie my utmoft endeavours 
 that he may not be oppreffed I mall, to- 
 morrow, lend my nephew to wait on the 
 gentleman who was robbed, and beg he 
 will have the humanity to go and fee the 
 prifoner-, that, in cafe he mould find him 
 quire different from the perJbn of the 
 highwayman, he may bear teftimony in 
 his behalf Howfoever it may fare with 
 Clinker, this curfed affair will be to me 
 productive of intolerable chagrin I have 
 already caught a dreadful cold, by rufh- 
 ing into the open air from the juftice's 
 parlour, where I had been dewing in the 
 crowd ; and though I fhould not be laid 
 up with the gout, 'as I believe I. (hall, I. 
 mult ftay at London for fome weeks, till 
 this poor devil comes to his trial at Ro- 
 chefter; fo that, in all probability, my. 
 northern expedition is blown up. 
 
 If you can find any thing in your phi- 
 lofophical budget, to confole me in the 
 midft of thefe diflrefles and apprehenfions, 
 pray let it be communicated to 
 
 your unfortunate friend, 
 London, June 12. MATT. BRAMBLE. 
 
 To
 
 THE^EXPEDITION OF 
 
 To Sir WAT KIN PHILLIPS, of 
 Jefus college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR WAT, 
 
 THE farce is finifhed, and another 
 piece of a graver caft brought upon 
 
 the ftage. Our aunt made a defperate 
 
 attack upon Barton, who had no other 
 way of faving himfelf, but by leaving her 
 in pofTefiion of the field, and avowing his 
 pretenfions toLiddy, by whom he has been 
 rejected in his turn. Lady Grifkin acted 
 as his advocate and agent on this occafion, 
 with fuch zeal as embroiled her with Mrs. 
 Tabitha, and a high fcene of altercation 
 palled betwixt thefe two religionifts, 
 which might have come to aftion, had 
 not my uncle interpofed. They are how- 
 ever reconciled, in confequence of an 
 event which hath involved us all in trou- 
 ble and difquiet. You muft know, the 
 poor preacher, Humphry Clinker, is now 
 txercifing his miniftry among the felons 
 in Clerkcnwell prifon. A poftillion hav- 
 ing
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 65 
 
 ing fwcrn a robbery againft him, no bail 
 could be taken, and he was committed to 
 jail, notwithstanding all the remonftrances 
 and intereft my uncle could make in his 
 behalf. 
 
 All things confidered, the poor ffllow 
 cannot poffibly be guilty, and yet, I be- 
 lieve, he runs fome rifque of being hang- 
 ed. Upon his examination, he anfwered 
 with fuch hefitation and referve, as per- 
 fuaded mod of the people, who crowded 
 the place, that he was really a knave, and 
 the juftice's remarks confirmed their opi- 
 nion. Exclufive of my uncle and myftlf, 
 there was only one perfon who feemed in- 
 clined to favour the culprit. He was 
 a young man, well drefTed, and, from 
 the manner in which he crofs-examined 
 the evidence, we took it for granted, 
 that he was a ftudent in one of the 
 inns of court. He freely checked the 
 juftice for fome uncharitable inferences he 
 made to the prejudice of the prifoner, 
 and even ventured to difpute with his 
 worfhip on certain points of law. 
 
 My uncle, provoked at the uncon- 
 nected and dubious anfwers of Clinker, 
 who feemed in danger of falling a iacri- 
 fke to his own Simplicity, exclaimed, " In 
 " the name of God, if you are innocent,
 
 66 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " fay fo." " No (cried he) God forbid 
 " that I Ihould call myfelf innocent, while 
 " my cohfcience is burthened with fin." 
 t; What then, you did commit this rob- 
 " bery ?" rcfumed his matter. " No, 
 " lure (faid he) bleffed be the Lord A I'm 
 " free of that guiit." 
 
 Here the juttice interpofed, oblerving, 
 that the man fecmed inclined to make a 
 difcovery by turning king's evidence, and 
 defired the clerk to take his confeflion ; 
 upon which Humphry declared, that he 
 looked upon conftfiiou to be a popifh 
 fraud, invented by the whore of Babylon. 
 The Templar affirmed, that the poor fel- 
 low was ncn compos j and exhorted the 
 juftice to difckarge him as a lunatic. 
 " You know very well (added he) that 
 *' the robbery in queftion was not com- 
 " mitted by the pnlbncr." 
 
 The thief-takers grinned at one an- 
 other; and Mr. Juftice Buzzard replied 
 with great emotion, " Mr. Martin, I de- 
 " fire you will mind your own bufinefs-, 
 " I (hall convince you one of thefe days 
 " that I underthnd mine." In fhort, 
 there was no remedy ; the mittimus was 
 made out, and poor Clinker lent to prifon 
 in a hackney-coach, guarded by the con- 
 -iUble, and accompanied by your humble 
 
 fervaiu.
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 67 
 
 fcrvant. By the way, I was not a little 
 furprifed to hear this retainer to juftice 
 bid the prifoner to keep up his fpirits, 
 tor that he did not at all doubt but that 
 he would get off for a few weeks confine- 
 ment. He faid, his worfhip knew very 
 well that Clinker was innocent of the fad:, 
 and that the real highwayman who rob- 
 brd'ihe chaife, was no other than that 
 very individual Mr. " Martin, who had 
 pleaded fa ftrenuoufly for hoaeft Hum- 
 phry.. 
 
 Confounded at this information, I afk- 
 ed, " Why then is he fuffered to go 
 " about at his liberty, and this poor 
 *' innocent fellow treated as a malefac- 
 " tor?" " We have exaft intelligence 
 " of all Mr. Martin's tranfaclions ; (laid 
 '* he) but as yet there is not evidence 
 " fufficient for his conviction , and as for 
 " this young man, the julticc could do 
 41 no Ids than commit him, as the pofli- 
 " lion fwore pDint-blank to his identity." 
 4i So if this rafcally poftilion mould per- 
 '* fife ii the falfity to which he is fworn 
 *' (laid I) this innocent; lad may be^brought 
 * to the gallows." 
 
 The con [table obferved, that he would 
 have time enough to prepare for his trial,, 
 aad might prove an alibi; or, perhaps,.
 
 68 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 Martin might be apprehended and con- 
 victed for another fact ; in which cafe, 
 he might be prevailed upon to take this 
 affair upon himfelf; or, finally, if thefe 
 chances mould fail, and the evidence 
 ftand ,^od againit Clinker, the jury 
 might recommend him to mercy, in con- 
 fideration of his youth, efpecially if this 
 mould appear to be the firft fact of which 
 he had been guilty. 
 
 Humphry owned, he could not pretend 
 to recollect where he had been on the 
 day when the robbery was committed, 
 much lefs prove a circumftance of that 
 kind fo far back as fix months, though he 
 knew he had been fick of the fever and 
 ague, which, however, did not prevent 
 him from going about then, turning up 
 his eyes, he ejaculated, '* The Lord's will 
 *' be done ! if it be my fate to fuffer, I 
 " hope I mail not difgrace the faith of 
 " which, though unworthy, I make pro- 
 " fefiion." 
 
 When I exprefled my furprize that 
 the accufer ftiould perfift in charging 
 Clinker, without taking the leaft notice 
 of the real robber who ttood before him, 
 and to whom, indeed, Humphry bore not 
 the foialleft refemblance ; the confV.-ls 
 (who was himfelf a u.ii-f-uker) gave me 
 
 to
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 69 
 
 to underftand, that Mr. Martin was the 
 beft qualified for bufmefs of all the gentle- 
 men on the road he had ever known ; 
 that he had always acted on his own bot- 
 tom, without partner or correfpondent, 
 and never went to work, but when he 
 was cool and fober ; that his courage and 
 prefence of mind never failed him j that 
 his addrefs was genteel, and his behaviour 
 void of all cruelty and infolence , that he 
 never encumbered himft-lf with watches or 
 trinkets, nor even with bank-notes, but 
 always dealt for ready money, and that in 
 the current coin of the kingdom j and 
 that he could difguife himlelf and his 
 horfe in fuch a manner, that, after the ac- 
 tion, it was impofiible to recognize either 
 the one or the other u This great man 
 * (faid he) has reigned paramount in all 
 " the roads within fifty miles of London 
 " above fifteen months, and has done 
 " more bufmefs in that time, than all 
 " the reft of the profeflion put together ; 
 for thofe who pafs through his hands 
 are fo delicately dealt with, that they 
 have no defire to give him the leaft dif- 
 turbance ; but for all that, his race is 
 almoft run he is now fluttering about 
 " juftice, like a moth about a candle 
 <* there are fo many lime-twigs Jaid in his 
 
 " way,
 
 yo THE EXPEDITION o* 
 
 " way, that I'll bctt a cool hundred, ha 
 " fwings before Chriftmas." 
 
 Shall I own to you, that this portrait, 
 drawn by a ruffian, heightened by what I 
 myfelf had obferved in his deportment, 
 has interefled me warmly in the fate of 
 poor Martin, whom nature feems to have 
 intended for a ufcful and honourable 
 member of that community upon whrch he 
 now preys for fubfiftence ? It feems, he 
 lived fome time as a clerk to a timber- 
 merchant, whofe daughter Martin having 
 privately married, was difcarded, and his 
 wife turned out of doors. She did not 
 long furvive her marriage ; and Martin, 
 turning fortune-hunter, could not fupply 
 his occafions any otf er way, than by tak- 
 ing to the road, in which he has travelled 
 hitherto with uncommon fuccefs. He 
 pays his refpects regularly to Mr. Juftice 
 Buzzard, the thief- catcher-general of this 
 metropolis, and fometimes they fmoke a 
 pipe together very lovingly, when the 
 converfation generally turns upon the na- 
 ture of evidence. The juftice has given 
 him fair warning to take care of himfelf, 
 and .he has received his caution in good 
 part. Hitherto he has baffled all the vi- 
 gilance, art, and activity of Buzzard and 
 his emiffaries, with luch conduct as would 
 
 have
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 71 
 
 have done honour to the genius of a 
 Casfar or a Turenne ; but he has one 
 weaknefs, which has proved fatal to all 
 the heroes of his tribe, namely, an in- 
 difcreet devotion to the fair fex, and, in 
 all probability, he will be attacked on 
 this defencelefs quarter. 
 
 Be that as it may, I faw the body of 
 poor Clinker configned to the gaoler of 
 Clerkenwell, to whofe indulgence I re- 
 commended him fo effectually, that he 
 received him in the moft hofpitable man- 
 ner, though there was a neceflity for 
 equipping him with a fuit of irons, in 
 which he made a very rueful appearance. 
 The poor creature feemed as much affect- 
 ed by my uncle's kindnefs, as by his own 
 misfortune. When I afiured him, that 
 nothing mould be left undone for pro- 
 curing his enlargement, and making his 
 confinement eafy in the mean time, he fell 
 down on his knees, and killing my hand, 
 which he bathed with his tears, *' O 
 " 'fquire! f cried he, fobbing) what mall I 
 " fay? I can't no, I can't fpeak my 
 " poor heart is burfting with gratitude to 
 " you and my dear dear generous 
 " noble benefactor." 
 
 I proteft, the fcene became fo pathetic, 
 that I was fain to force myfelf away, and 
 
 re-
 
 72 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 returned to my uncle, who fent me in the 
 afternoon with a compliment to one Mr. 
 Mead, the perfon who had been robbed 
 on Black-heath. As I did not find him 
 at home, I left a meflage, in confequence 
 of which he called at our lodgings this 
 morning, and very humanely agreed to 
 vifit the prifoner. By this time, lady 
 Grifkin had come, to make her formal 
 compliments of condolance to Mrs. Tabi- 
 tha, on this domeftic calamity j and that 
 prudent maiden, whofe paffion was now 
 cooled, thought proper to receive her 
 ladyfhip fo civilly, that a reconcilia- 
 tion immediately enfued. Thefe two 
 ladies refolved to comfort the poor 
 prifoner in their own perfons, and Mr. 
 Mead and I 'fquired them to Clerkenwell, 
 my uncle being detained at home by 
 tome flight complaints in his ftomach and 
 bowels. 
 
 The turnkey, who received us at Clerk- 
 enwell, looked remarkably fullen-, and 
 when we enquired for Clinker, " I don't 
 " care, if the devil had him ; (faid he) 
 " here has been nothing but canting and 
 " praying fince the fel'ow entered the 
 " place. Rabbit him! the tap will be 
 " ruined we han't fold a cafk of beer, 
 44 nor a dozen of wine, fince he paid his 
 
 - gar-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 73 
 
 f< nifli the gentlemen get drunk with 
 " nothing but your damned religion. 
 * c For my part, I believe as how your 
 " man deals with the devil. Two or 
 " three as bold hearts as ever took the air 
 ** upon Hounflow, have been blubbering 
 '* all night; and if the fellow an't fpeedi- 
 ** ly removed by Habeas Corpus, OF 
 " otherwife, 1*11 be damn'd if there's a 
 * grain of true fpirit left within thefe 
 " walls we fhan't have a foul to do ere- 
 " die to the place, or make his exit like a 
 " true-born Englilhman damn my eyes ! 
 '* there will be nothing but Inivelling in 
 <c the cart we fhall all die like fo many 
 '* pfalm-finging weavers.'* 
 
 In fhort, we found that Humphry was, 
 at :hat very inflant, haranguing the fe- 
 lons in the chapel , and that the gaoler's 
 wife and daughter, together with my 
 aunt's woman, Win Jenkins, and our 
 houie-maid, were among the audience, 
 which we immediately joined. I never 
 faw any thing fo itrongly pufturtfque as 
 this congregation of felons clanking their 
 chains, in the midft of whom flood orator 
 Clinker, expatiating in a tranfport of 
 fervor, on the torments of hell, denoun- 
 ced in fcripture againft evil-doers, com- 
 prehending murderers, robbers, thieves, 
 
 VOL. II. E and
 
 74 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 and whoremongers. The variety of at- 
 tention exhibited in the faces of thole 
 ragamuffins, formed a groupe that would 
 not have dilgraced the pencil of a Ra- 
 phael. In one, it denoted admiration ; 
 in another, doubt -, in a third, difdain ; 
 in a fourth, contempt ; in a fifth, terror ; 
 in a fixth derifion -, and in a feventh, in- 
 dignation. As for Mrs. Winifred Jen- 
 kins, (he was in tears, overwhelmed with 
 forrow , but whether for her own fm, or 
 the misfortune of Clinker, I cannot pre- 
 tend to fay. The other females feemed 
 to liften with a mixture of wonder and de- 
 votion. The gaoler's wife declared he 
 ivas a faint in trouble, faying, (he wifhed 
 from her heart there was liich another 
 good foul, like him, in every gaol in Eng- 
 Jand. 
 
 Mr. Mead, having earneftly furveyed 
 the preacher, declared his appearance 
 was lo different from that of the perfon 
 who robbed him on Black-heath, that he 
 could freely make oath he was not the 
 man : but Humphry himfelf was by this 
 time pretty well rid of all apprehenfions 
 of being hanged ; for he had been the 
 night before folemnly tried and acquitted 
 by his fellow prifoners, fome of whom he 
 had already converted to methodifm. He 
 
 now
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 75 
 
 now made proper acknowledgements for 
 the honour of our vifit, and was permit- 
 ted to kifs the hands of the ladies, who 
 allured him, he might depend upon their 
 friendfhip and protection. Lady Grifkin, 
 in her great zeal, exhorted his fellow-pri- 
 Ibners to profit by the precious opportu- 
 nity of having fuch a faint in bonds among 
 them, and turn over a new leaf for the 
 benefit of their poor fouls-, and, that her 
 admonition might have the greater efFtrd:, 
 fhe reinforced it with her bounty. 
 
 While fhe and Mrs. Tabby returned in 
 the coach with the two maid-feivants, I 
 v/aited on Mr. Mead to the houfe of jul- 
 tice Buzzard, who, having heard his de- 
 claration, faid his oath could be of no 
 ufe at prefent, but that he would be a ma- 
 terial evidence for the prifoner at his trial ; 
 fo that there feems to be no remedy but 
 patience for poor Clinker ; and, indeed, 
 the fame virtue, or medicine, will be ne- 
 celTary for us all, the fquire in particular, 
 who had fet his heart upon his excurfion 
 to the northward. 
 
 While we were vifiting honeft Hum- 
 phry in Clerkenwell prifon, my uncle re- 
 ceived a much more extraordinary vifit at 
 his own lodgings. Mr. Martin, of whom 
 J have made fuch honourable mention, 
 E 2 de-
 
 76 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 defired permiffion to pay him his refpe&s, 
 and was admitted accordingly. He told 
 him, that having obierved him, at Mr. 
 Buzzard's, a good deal difturbed by what 
 had happened to his fervant, he had come 
 to afiure him he had nothing to apprehend 
 for Clinker's life ; for, if it was poflible 
 that any jury could find him guilty upon 
 iuch evidence, he, Martin himlelf, would 
 produce in court a perfon, whofe depofi- 
 tion would bring him off clear as the fun 
 at noon. Sure, the fellow would not be 
 ib romantic as to take the robbery upon 
 himfelf! He faid, the poftilion was an 
 infamous fellow, who had been a dabbler 
 in the fame profefiion, and faved his life at 
 the Old Bailey by impeaching his compa- 
 nions; that being now reduced to great 
 poverty, he had made this defperate puffi, 
 to fwear away the life of an innocent 
 man, in hopes of having the reward upon 
 his conviclion; but that he would find 
 himfelf miferably difappointed, for the 
 juftice and his myrmidons were deter- 
 mined to admit of no interloper in this 
 branch of bufmefs ; and that he did not 
 at all doubt but that they would find 
 matter enough to (hop the evidence him- 
 felf before the next gaol-delivery. He 
 Affirmed, that all thti cicumftances were 
 
 well
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 77 
 
 known to the juftice-, and that his 
 feverity to Clinker was no other than a 
 hint to his matter to make him a prelcnt 
 in private, as an acknowledgment of his 
 candour and humanity. 
 
 This hint, however, was fo unpalat- 
 able to Mr. Bramble, that he declared, 
 with great warmth, he wouJd rather con- 
 fine himfelf for life to London, which he 
 detefted, than be at librrry to leave it 
 to-morrow, in confequence of encouraging 
 corruption in a magiftrate. Hearing, 
 however, how favourable Mr. lead's 
 report had been for the prifoner, he is 
 refolved to take the advice of counfel in 
 what manner to proceed for his imme- 
 diate enlargement. I make no doubt, 
 but that in a day or two this troublefome 
 bufinefs may be difcufled j and in this 
 hope we are preparing for our jojrney. 
 Jf our endeavours do not miicarry, we 
 (hall have taken the (idd beforf you hear 
 again from 
 
 Yours, 
 London, June ii. J. MEIFORD; 
 
 To
 
 ;$ THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 To Dr. LEWIS. 
 
 THA>?K Heaven r dear Lewis, the 
 clouds are difperfed, and I have now the 
 cleareit profpe<ft of my fummer campaign, 
 which, J hope, I mail be able to begin 
 to-morrow. I took the advice of counfel 
 with refpeft to the cafe of Clinker, in 
 whole favour a lucky incident has inter- 
 vened. The fellow who acculed him, 
 has had his own battery turned upon him- 
 ielf. Two days ?go he was apprehend- 
 ed for a robbery on the highway, and 
 committed, on the evidence of an accom- 
 plice. Clinker, having moved for a writ 
 of habeas corpus, was brought before the 
 lord chief juftice, who, in confequence 
 of an affidavit of the gentleman who had 
 .been robbed, importing that the faid Clink- 
 er was not the perfon who flopped him on 
 the highway, as well as in connVeration of 
 the poftilion's character and prefent dr. 
 cumflances, was pleaied to order, that my 
 fervant mould be admitted to bail, and 
 he has been difcharged accordingly, to 
 the unfpeakable fatisfaftion of our whole 
 
 family,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 79 
 
 family, to which he has recommended 
 himfclf in an extraordinary manner, not 
 only by his obliging deportment, bat by^ 
 his talents of preaching, praying, and' 
 finging pfalms, which he has exercifed 
 with iuch effect, that even Tabby refpects 
 him as a chofen veflel. If there was any 
 thing like affectation or hypocrify in this 
 excels of religion, I would not keep him 
 in my fervice , but, fo far as I can ob- 
 ferve the fellow's character is downright 
 fimplicity, warmed with a kind of enthu- 
 fiafm, which renders him very iuiceptible 
 of gratitude and attachment to his bene- 
 factors. 
 
 As he Is an excellent horfeman, and 
 underftands farriery, I have bought a 
 flout gelding for his ufe, that he may at- 
 tend us on the road, and have an eye to 
 our cattle, in cafe the coachman mould not 
 mind his bufinef*. My nephew, who is 
 to ride his own faddle-horfe, has taken, 
 upon trial, a fervant juft come from 
 abroad with his former matter, Sir Wil- 
 liam Strollop, who vouches for his ho- 
 neity. The feliow, whofe name is Dut- 
 ton, feems to be a petit maitre. He has 
 got a fmattering of French, bows, and 
 grins, and fhrugs* and takes fnufF a la 
 mode de France^ but values himftlf chiefly 
 E 4 upon
 
 So THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 wpon his (kill and dexterity in hair-dref- 
 fing. If I am not much deceived by ap- 
 pearance, he is, in all refpects, the very 
 contraft of Humphry Clinker. 
 
 My fifter has made up matters with 
 Jady Griikin i though, 1 muft own, 1 
 fhould not have been forry to fee that 
 connexion entirely dtftroyed : but Tabby 
 is not of a difpofition to forgive Barton, 
 who, I underftand, is gone to his feat in 
 Berklhire for the fummer feafon. 1 can- 
 not help fulpecling, that in the treaty of 
 peace, which has been lately ratified be- 
 twixt thofe two females, it is ftipulated, 
 that her hdyfhip (hall ufe her beft endea- 
 vours to provide an agreeable help-mare 
 for our fifter Tabitha, who feems to be 
 quite defperate in her matrimonial de- 
 %ns. Perhaps, the match- maker is to 
 Jhave a valuable confideration in the way 
 cf brokerage, which (he will moft cer- 
 tainly deferve, if fhe can find any man in 
 his fenfes, who will yoke with Mrs. Bran> 
 .bis from motives of affeclion or intcreft. 
 
 1 iind my fpirits and my health affeft 
 each other reciprocally-' that is to fay, 
 every thing that difcompofes my mind, 
 produces a correfpondent diforder in my 
 body ; and my bodily complaints are re- 
 markably mitigated by thofe confidera- 
 
 tions
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. Bi 
 
 tions that diflipate the clouds of mental 
 chagrin. The imprifonment of Clinker 
 brought on thofe lymptoms which I men- 
 tioned in my laft, and now they are va^ 
 nifhed at his difcharge. It muft be own- 
 ed, indeed, I took ibme of the tincture 
 of ginfeng, prepared according to your 
 prefcription, and found it exceedingly 
 grateful to the ftomachj but the pain 
 and ficknefs continued to return, after 
 fhort intervals, till the anxiety of my 
 mind was entirely removed, and then I 
 found myfelf perfectly at cafe. We have 
 had fair weather thefe ten days, to the 
 aftonimment of the Londoners, who think 
 it portentuous. If you enjoy the fame in- 
 dulgence in Wales, I hope Barns has got 
 my hay made, and fafe cocked by this 
 time. As we mall be in motion for fbme 
 weeks, I cannot expect to hear from you 
 as ufual; but I (hall continue to write 
 from every place at which we make any 
 halt, that you may know our track, in 
 cafe it mould be neceffary to communicate 
 any thing to 
 
 Your aflured friend, 
 London, June 14. MATT. BRAMBLE. 
 
 < To
 
 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 To Mrs. MARY JONES, at Bramble- 
 ton-hall, &c. 
 
 DEAR MARY, 
 
 HAVING the occafion of my coufin 
 Jenkins of Aberga'ny, I fend you, as a 
 token, a turkey-lhell comb, a kiple of 
 yards of green ribbon, and a farment 
 upon the nothingnefs of good works, 
 which was preached in the Tabernacle -, 
 and you will alfo receive a horn-buck for 
 Saul, whereby fhe may learn her letters -, 
 for I'm much conlarned about the flate of 
 her pcor fole and what are all the pur- 
 fuits of this life to the confarns of that 
 immortal part? What is life but a veil 
 of affliction? O Mary! the whole family 
 have been in fuch a conftipation ! Mr. 
 Clinker has been in trouble, but the gates 
 of hell have not been able to prevail 
 
 again him. His virtue is like poor 
 
 gould, feven times tried in the fire. He 
 was tuck up for a rubbery, and had be- 
 fore guftals Bufshard, who made his mit- 
 
 tamoufe ,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 83 
 
 tamoufe ; and the pore youth was fent to 
 prifon .upon the falle oaf -of a vvillian, thar 
 wanted to fware his life away for the 
 looker of cain. 
 
 The fquire did all in his power, but 
 could not prevent his being put in chains,, 
 and confined among common manufac- 
 tors, where he Hood like an innocent 
 fheep in the midft of wolves and tygers. 
 Lord knows, -what mought have happened 
 to this pyehoufe young man, if matter 
 had not applied to Apias Korkus, who 
 lives with the ould bailiff, and is, they 
 fay, five hundred years ould, (God blefs- 
 us \) and a congeror : but, if he be, fure 
 1 am he don't deal with the devil, other- 
 wife he wouldn't have fought out Mr. 
 Clinker, as he did, in fpite of ftone walls, 
 iron bolts, and double locks, that flew 
 open at his command ; for Ould Scratch 
 has not a greater enemy upon hearth than 
 Mr. Clinker, who is* indeed, a very 
 powerfull labourer in the Lord's vine- 
 yard. I do no more than yufe the words 
 of my good lady, who has got the infec- 
 tual calling , and, I truft, that even my- 
 felf, though unworthy, fhall find greafe 
 
 to be excepted. Mifs Liddy has been 
 
 touch'd to the quick, but is a little timor- 
 
 ibme: howfomever, I make no doubr,. 
 
 E 6. but
 
 8 4 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 but fhe, and all of us, will be brought, 
 by the endeavours of Mr. Clinker, to 
 produce blefied fruit of generation and 
 repentance. As for mafter and the 
 young fquire, they have as yet had narro 
 
 glimpfe of the new light. 1 doubt as 
 
 how their harts are hardened by wordly 
 wifdom, which, as the pyebill faith, is 
 foolifhnefs in the fight of God. 
 
 O Mary Jones, pray without feizing 
 for greafe to prepare you for the opera- 
 tions of this wonderful inftrument, which, 
 I hope, will be exorcifed this winter 
 upon you and others at Brambleton-hall. 
 To-morrow, we are to fet out in a 
 cox and four for Yorkfhire ; and, I be- 
 lieve, we fhall travel that way far, and 
 far, and farther than I can tell -, but I 
 fhan't go fo far as to forget my friends ; 
 and Mary Jones will always be remem- 
 bred as one of them by her 
 
 humble farvant, 
 Londoa t Jone H- WIN. 
 
 .?'
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 85 
 
 To Mrs. GWYLLIM, houfe-keepcr at 
 Brambleton-hall. 
 
 M*s. GWYLLIM, 
 
 I CAN'T help thinking it very 
 ftrange, that I never had an anfwer to 
 the letter I wrote you fome weeks ago 
 from Bath, concerning the four bear, 
 the gander, and the maids eating butter, 
 which I won't allow to be wafted. 
 We are now going upon a long gurney 
 to the north, whereby I defire you will 
 redouble your care and circumflexion, 
 that the family may be well manged 
 in our abfence; for, you know, you 
 muft render accunt, not only to your 
 earthly mafter, but alfo to him that is 
 above ; and if you are found a good 
 and faithfull farvant, great will be your 
 reward in haven. I hope there will be 
 twenty ftun of cheefe ready for market 
 by the time I get huom, and as much 
 owl fpun, as will make half a dozen pair 
 of blankets; and that the favings of the 
 butter-milk will fetch me a a good penny 
 
 before
 
 86 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 before Martinmafs, as the two pigs are to 
 be fed for baking with bitchmaft and 
 acrons. 
 
 I wrote to doctor Lews for the fame 
 porpufs, but he never had the good man- 
 ners to take the leaft notice of my letter ; 
 for which reafon, I mall never favour 
 him with another, though he bemits me 
 on his bended knees, You will do well 
 to keep a watchful eye over the hind Vil- 
 liams, who is one of his amifibries, and,. 
 I believe, no better than he mould be at 
 bottom. God forbid that I mould lack 
 chriftian charity; but charity begins at 
 huom, and fure nothing can be a more 
 charitable work than to rid the family of 
 fuch vermine. I do fuppofe, that the 
 brindled cow has been had to the parfon's 
 bull, that old Moll has had another litter 
 of pigs, and that Dick is become a mighty 
 mouler. Pray order every thing for the 
 belt, and be frugal, and keep the maids 
 to their labour. If I had a private oppor- 
 tunity, I would fend them fome hymns to 
 fing inftead of profane ballads ; bur, as I 
 can't, they and you muft: be contented 
 with the prayers of 
 
 Your allured friend, 
 Xondon, June.14. T ' BRAMBLE. 
 
 To
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. S 7 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart, of 
 Jefus college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR PHILLIPS, 
 
 THE very day after I wrote my lafr, 
 Clinker was fet at liberty As Martin 
 had foretold, the accufer was himfelf 
 committed for a robbery, upon unquef- 
 tionable evidence. He had been for fome 
 time in the fnares of the thief-taking fo- 
 ciety; who, refenting his prefumption 
 in attempting to incroach upon their mo- 
 nopoly of impeachment, had him taken 
 up and committed to Newgate, on the 
 depofition of an accomplice, who has 
 been admitted as evidence for the king.. 
 The poflilion being upon record as an 
 old offender, the chief juftice made no 
 fcruple of admitting Clinker to bail, 
 when he perufed the affidavit of Mr. 
 Mead, importing that the faid Clinker 
 was not the perlon that robbed him on 
 Blackheath ; and honeft Humphry was 
 difchargeds When he came home, he ex- 
 
 preflcd
 
 88 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 prefied great eagernefs to pay his refpects 
 to his mafter, and here his elocution fail- 
 ed him, but his filence was pathetic ; he 
 fell down at his feet, aud embraced his 
 knees, (hedding a flood of tears, which 
 my uncle did not fee without emotion 
 He took fhurT in fome confufion ; and, 
 putting his hand in his pocket, gave him 
 his blefling in fomething more fubftamial 
 than words ' Clinker, (faid he) I am 
 '' fo well convinced, both of your ho- 
 " nefty and courage, that I am refolved 
 " to make you my life-guard-man on the 
 " highway." 
 
 He was accordingly provided with a 
 cafe of piftois, and a carbine to be flung 
 a-crofs his moulders; and every other 
 preparation being made, we fet out laft 
 Thurfday, at feven in the morning j my 
 uncle, with the three women in the 
 coach ; Humphry, well mounted on a 
 black gelding bought for his ufe ; my- 
 felf a-horfeback, attended by my new 
 valet, Mr. Button, an exceeding cox- 
 comb, frelh from his travels, whom I 
 have taken upon trial The fellow wears 
 a folitaire, ufes paint, and takes rappee 
 with all the grimace of a French marquis. 
 At prefent, however, he is in a riding- 
 drefs, jack-boots, leather breeches, a 
 
 feai let
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 89 
 
 fcarlet waiftcoat, with gold binding, a 
 laced hat, a hanger, a French polling- 
 whip in his hand, and his hair en 
 queue. 
 
 Before we had gone nine miles, my 
 horle loft one of his fhoes; fo that I was 
 obliged to ftop at Barnet to have another, 
 while the coach proceeded at an eafy 
 pace over the common. About a mile 
 Ihort of Hatfield, the poftilions, flopping 
 the carriage, gave notice to Clinker that 
 there were two fufpicious fellows a-horfe- 
 back, at the end of a lane, who fcemed 
 waiting to attack the coach. Humphry 
 forthwith apprifed my uncle, declaring 
 he would Hand by him to the laft drop 
 of his blood j and unQinging his carbine, 
 prepared for action. The fquire had 
 piftols in the pockets of the coach, and re- 
 folved to make ufe of them directly ; but 
 he was effectually prevented by his fe- 
 male companions, who flung themfelves 
 about his neck, and fcreamed in concert 
 At that inftant, who mould come up 
 at a hand-gallop, but Martin, the high- 
 way-man, who, advancing to the coach, 
 begged the ladies would compofe them- 
 felves for a moment ; then, defiring 
 Clinker to follow -him to the charge, he 
 pulled a piftol out of his bofom, and 
 
 they
 
 9 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 they rode up together to give battle to 
 the rogues, who, having fired at a great 
 diftance, fled a-crofs the common. They 
 were in purfuit of the fugitives when I 
 came up, not a little alarmed at the 
 fhrieks in the coach, where I found my 
 uncle in a violent rage, without his peri- 
 wig, ftruggling to difentangle himfelf 
 from Tabby and the other two, and 
 fwearing with great vociferation. Before 
 I had time to interpofe, Martin and 
 Clinker returned from the purfuit* and 
 the former payed his compliment^ with 
 great politenefs, giving us to underftand,. 
 that the fe : lows had icampered off, and 
 that he believed they were a couple of 
 raw 'prentice? from London. He com- 
 mended Clinker for his courage, and 
 faid, if we would give him leave, he 
 would have the honour to accompany us 
 as far as Stevenage, where he had feme 
 bufinefs. 
 
 The fquire, having recollected and ad- 
 jufted himfelf, was the firft to laugh at 
 his own fituation : but it was not without 
 difficulty, that Tabby's arms could be 
 untwifted from his neck, Liddy's teeth 
 chattered, and Jenkins was threatened 
 with a fit as ufual. I had communicated 
 to my uncle the character of Martin, as 
 
 it
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 91 
 
 it was defcribed by the conftable, and he 
 was much ftruck with its fingularity 
 He could not fuppofe the fellow had any 
 defign on our company, which was fo nu- 
 merous and well armed ; he therefore 
 thanked him, for the fervice he had juft 
 done them, faid he would be glad of his 
 company, and afked him to dine with us 
 at Hatfield. This invitation might not 
 have been agreeable to the ladies, had 
 they known the real profeflion of our 
 gueft, but this was a fecret to all, ex- 
 cept my uncle and myfelf Mrs. Tabitha, 
 however, would by no means confent to 
 proceed with a cafe of loaded piftols in 
 the coach, and they were forthwith dif- 
 charged in complailance to her and the 
 reft of the women. 
 
 Being gratified in this particular, (lie 
 became remarkably good-humoured, and 
 at dinner behaved in the mod affable 
 manner to Mr. Manin, with whole po- 
 lite addrcfs and agreeable converfation 
 fhe feemed to be much taken. After 
 dinner, the landlord accofting me in the 
 yard, afked with a fignifkant look, if 
 the gentleman that rode the forrel belong- 
 ed to our company ? I underftood his 
 meaning, but anfwered, no\ that he* had 
 come up with us on the common, and 
 
 helped.
 
 92 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 helped us to drive away two fellows, that 
 looked like highwaymen He nodded 
 three times diftinftly, as much as to fay, 
 he knows his cue. Then he inquired, if 
 one of thofe men was mounted on a bay 
 mare, and the other on a chefnut geld- 
 ing with a white flreak down his fore- 
 head ? and being anfwered in the affir- 
 mative, he arTured me they had robbed 
 three poft-chaifes this very morning I 
 inquired, in my turn, if Mr. Martin was 
 of his acquaintance ; and, nodding thrice 
 again, he anfwered, that be bad fcen the 
 gentleman. 
 
 Before we left Hatfield, my uncle, fix- 
 ing his eyes on Martin with fuch expref- 
 fion as is more eafily conceived than de- 
 fcribed, afked, if he ofcen travelled that 
 road ? and he replied with a look which 
 denoted his underftanding the qucftion, 
 that he very feldom did bufmefs in that 
 part of the country. In a word, this ad- 
 venturer favoured us with his company to 
 the neighbourhood of Stevenage, where 
 he took his leave of the coach and me, 
 in very polite terms, and turned off up- 
 on a crofs-road, that led to a village on 
 the left At fupper, Mrs. Tabby was ve- 
 ry full in the praife of Mr. Martin's good- 
 fcnfc and good- breeding, and feemed to 
 
 regret
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 93 
 
 regret that flie had not a further oppor- 
 tunity to make fome experiment upon his 
 affection. In the morning, my uncle was 
 not a little furprifed to receive, from 
 the waiter, a billet couched in thefe 
 words 
 
 " Sir, 
 
 " I could eafily perceive from your 
 " looks, when I had the honour to con- 
 ' verfe with you at Hatfield, that my 
 " character is not unknown to you ; and, 
 " 1 dare fay you won't think it ftrange, 
 " that I mould be glad to change my 
 " prrfent way of life, for any other ho- 
 '* neft occupation, let it be ever fo hum- 
 " ble, that will afford me bread in mo- 
 " deration, and fleep in fafety Perhaps 
 " you may think I flatter, when I fay, 
 ' that from the moment I was witnefs to 
 " your generous concern in the caufe of 
 '* your fervant, I conceived a particular 
 " efteem and veneration for your per- 
 " fon; and yet what I fay is true. I 
 " mould think myfelf happy, if I could 
 " be admitted into your protection and 
 " fcrvice, as houfe fteward, clerk, but- 
 " ler, or bailiff, for either of which 
 '* places I think myfelf tolerably well 
 
 " qua-
 
 94 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " qualified ; and, fure I am, I mould not 
 " be found deficient in gratitude and 
 " fidelity At the fame time, 1 am very 
 " fenfible how much you muft deviate 
 ** from the common maxims of difcre- 
 " tion, even in putting my profeflions to 
 <{ the trial j but I don't look upon you 
 " as a perfon that thinks in the ordinary 
 c flilej and the delicacy of my fituation, 
 * will, I know, juftify this addrefs to a 
 " heart warmed with beneficence and 
 " companion Underflanding you are 
 " going pretty far north, I mall take an 
 " opportunity to throw myfelf in your 
 " way again, before you reach the bor- 
 ' ders of Scotland -, and, I hope, b> that 
 u time, you will have taken into confi- 
 " deration, the truly diftrefsful cafe of, 
 
 *' honoured fir, 
 
 " your very humble, 
 
 " and devoted fervant, 
 
 " EDWARD MARTIN." 
 
 The fquire, having perufed this letter, 
 put it into my hand, without faying a 
 fyllable ; and when I had read it, we 
 looked at each other in filence. From a 
 certain fparkling in his eyes, I difcover- 
 
 ed
 
 HUM PHRY CLINKER. 95 
 
 ed there was more in his heart, than he 
 cared to exprcfs with his tongue, in favour 
 of poor Martin , and this was precifely 
 my own feeling, which he did not fail to 
 difcern, by the fame means of communi- 
 cation " What mall we do (faid he) to 
 fave this poor finner from the gallows, 
 and make him a ufefjl member of the 
 commonwealth ; and yet the proverb 
 fays, Save a thief from the gallows, 
 and he'll cut your throat." I told him 
 I really believed Martin was capable of 
 giving the proverb the lie ; and that I 
 mould heartily concur in any ftep he 
 might take in favour of his felicitation. 
 We mutually refolved to deliberate upon 
 the fubjecl, and, in the mean time, pro- 
 ceeded on our journey. The roads, hav- 
 ing been broke up by the heavy rains in 
 the fpring, were fo rough, that although 
 we travelled very flowly, the jolting oc- 
 cafioned fuch pain to my uncle, that he 
 was become exceedingly peevim when 
 we arrived at this place, which lies about 
 eight miles from the poft-road, between 
 Wetherby and Boroughbridge. 
 
 Harrigate-water, fo celebrated for its 
 efficacy in the fcurvy and other diftem- 
 pers, is fupplied from a copious fpring, 
 in the hollow of a wild common, round 
 
 which,
 
 9 6 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 which, a good many h-j..;.- have been 
 built for the convenience o>' the drinkers, 
 though few of them are. inhabited. Moft 
 of the company lodge at fome dittance, 
 in five feparate inns, fituated in different 
 parts of the common, from whence they 
 go every morning to the wcl 1 , in their own 
 carriages. The lodgers of each inn form 
 a diftinct fociety, that eat together , and 
 there is a commodious public room, 
 where they breakfaft in ciifabille, at fe- 
 parate tables, from eight o'clock till ele- 
 ven, as they chance or chufe to come in 
 Here alib they drink tea in the after- 
 noon, and play at cards or dance in the 
 evening. One cuftom, however, pre- 
 vails, which I look upon as a folecifm in 
 politenels The ladies treat with tea in 
 their turns ; and even girls of fixteen are 
 not exempted from this fhameful impo- 
 fition -There is a public ball by fub- 
 fcription every night at one of the houies, 
 to which all the company from the others 
 are admitted by tickets , and, indeed, 
 Harrigate treads upon the heels of Bath, 
 in the articles of gaiety and diffipation 
 with this diiference, however, that here 
 we are more fociable and familiar. One 
 of the inns is already full up to the very 
 garrets, having no lefs than fifty lodgers, 
 
 and
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 97 
 
 and as many fervants. Our family does 
 not exceed thirty-fix-, and I mould be 
 forry to fee the number augmented, as 
 our accommodations won't admit of much 
 increafe. 
 
 At prefent, the company is more agree- 
 able than one could expecl from an acci- 
 dental affemblage of perfons, who are 
 utter (bangers to one another -There 
 feems to be a general diipofition among 
 us to maintain good-fellow (hip, and pro- 
 mote the purpofes of humanity, in favour 
 of thofe who come hither on the fcore of 
 health. I fee feveral faces which we left 
 at Bath, although the majority are of the 
 Northern counties, and many come from 
 Scotland for the benefit of thefe waters 
 In fuch a variety, there muit be fome 
 originals, among whom Mrs. Tabitha 
 Bramble is not the moft inconfiderable 
 NO place where there is fuch an inter- 
 courfe between the fexes, can be difa- 
 greeable to a lady of her views and tem- 
 perament She has had fome warm dif- 
 putes at table, with a lame parfon from 
 Northumberland, on the new birth, and 
 the infignificance of moral virtue; and 
 her arguments have been reinforced by 
 an old Scotch lawyer, in a tye periwig, 
 who, though he has loft his teeth, and the 
 
 VOL. II. F ufc
 
 9$ THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 ufe of his limbs, can ftill wag his tongue 
 with great volubility. He has paid her 
 fuch fulfome compliments, upon her 
 piety and learning, as feem to have won 
 her heart; and me, in her turn, treats 
 him with inch attention as indicates a 
 defign upon his perlbn ; but, by all ac- 
 counts, he is too much a fox to be in- 
 veigled into any fnare that (lie can lay for 
 his affection. 
 
 We do not propofe to ftay long at Har- 
 rigare, though, at prefent, it is our head- 
 quarters, from whence we (hall make 
 fome excurfions, to vifit two or three of 
 our rich relations, who are fettled in this 
 county. Pray, remember me to all 
 our friends of Jefus, and allow me to be 
 ftill 
 
 Yours affecYionately, 
 Harrigate, June 23. J. M ELFO 3D. 
 
 To
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 59 
 
 To Dr. LEWIS. 
 
 DEAR DOCTOR, 
 
 CONSIDERING rhc tax we pay for 
 
 turnpikes, the roads of this country con- 
 tfitiite a molt intolerable grievance. Be- 
 tween Newark and Wjatherby, I have 
 fullered more from joking and fwinging 
 than ever I felt in the whole courfe of my 
 life, although the carriage is remarkably 
 commodious and well hung, and the 
 poftilnns were very careful in driving. 
 I am now fafely houfed at the New Inn, 
 at Harrigate, whither I came to farisfy my 
 curiofuy, rather than wirh any view of ad- 
 vantage to my health-, and, truly, after hav- 
 ing confidered all the parts and particulars 
 of the place, I cannot accou -t for the con- 
 courfe of people one finds litre, upon any 
 other principle but that of caprice, which 
 feems to be the character of our nacion. 
 
 Harrigate is a wlM common, bare and 
 
 bleak, without tree or mrub, or the 
 
 F 2 Itaft
 
 ioo THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 leaft flgns of cultivation ; and the people 
 who come to drink the water, are crowded 
 together in paltry inns, where the few 
 tolerable rooms are monopolized by the 
 friends and favourites of the houfe, and 
 all the reft of the lodgers are obliged to 
 put up with dirty holes, where there is 
 neither fpace, air, nor convenience. My 
 apartment is about ten feet fquare ; and 
 when the folding bed is down, there is 
 iuft room fufficicnt to pals between it and 
 the fire. One might expect, indeed, that 
 there would be no occafion for a fire at 
 Midfummer ; but here the climate is fo 
 backward, that an am tree, which our 
 landlord has planted before my window, 
 is juft beginning to put forth its leaves; 
 and I am fain to have my bed warmed 
 every night. 
 
 As for the water, which is faid to have 
 effected fo many furprifing cures, I have 
 drank it once, and the firft draught has 
 cured me of all defire to repeat the medi- 
 cine. Some people fay it imells of rotten 
 eggs, and others compare it to the fcour- 
 ings of a foul gun. It is generally fup- 
 poled to be ftrongly impregnated with 
 fulphur-, and Dr. Shaw, in his book 
 upon mineral waters, fays, he has feen 
 fiakes of fulphur floating in the well 
 
 Pace
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 101 
 
 Pacetanti viri; I, for my part, have never 
 obferved any thing like fulphur, either 
 in or about the well, neither do I find 
 that any brimftone has ever been extracted 
 from the water. As for the fmell, if I 
 may be allowed to judge from my own 
 organs, it is exactly that of bilge-water ; 
 and the faline tafte of it feems to declare 
 that it is nothing elfe than fait water pu- 
 trified in the bowels of the earth. I was 
 obliged to hold my nofe with one hand, 
 while I advanced the glafs to my mouth 
 with the other j and after I had made 
 fhift to fwallow it, my ftomach could 
 hardly retain what it had received. The 
 only effects it produced were ficknefs, 
 griping, and insurmountable difguft. I 
 can hardly mention it without puking. 
 7'he world is ftrangely mifled by the af- 
 fectation of fingularity. I cannot help 
 fufpecling, that this water owes its repu- 
 tation in a great meafure to its being fo 
 ftrikingly offenfive. On the fame kind 
 of analogy, a German doctor has intro- 
 duced hemlock and other poifons, as 
 fpecifics, into the materia medica. I am 
 perfuaded, that all the cures afcribed to 
 the Harrigate water, would have been as 
 efficacioufly, and infinitely more agree- 
 ably performed, by the internal and tx- 
 F 3 tcr-
 
 io2 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 tcrnal u!e of Tea-water. Sure I am, this 
 laft is much kfs nanftous to the caPe and 
 frnell, and much more gemle in its opera- 
 tion as a purge, as well as more ex tea- 
 five in its medical qmiliiies. 
 
 Two days ago we went acrofs the 
 country to vifit fquire Burdock, who 
 married a firft coufm of my farher, an 
 hfirefs, who brought him an eibre of a 
 thoufand a-year. Ti.i gentleman is a dt- 
 clared opponent of the miniftry in parlia- 
 ment; and having an opulent fortune, 
 piques himfelf upon living in the country, 
 and maintaining old Eng.ifo bofpitality 
 By the bye, this is a phrafe very much 
 ufed by the Englim themlelves, bcth in 
 words and writing; but I never heard of 
 it out of the ifland, except by way of 
 irony and farcafm. What the hofpitality 
 of our fore-faihers has been I (hould be 
 glad to fee recorded, rather in the me- 
 moirs of ftrangers who have vifited our 
 country, and were the prrptr objtcls and 
 judges of fuch holpitality, than in the 
 difcourfe and lucubrations of the modern 
 Fnglifh, who feem to defcribe it from 
 theory and conjecture. Certain it is, we 
 are generally looked upon by foreigners, 
 as a people totally dcftitute of this vir- 
 tue ; and I never was in a^y country 
 
 abroad,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 103 
 
 abroad, where I did not meet with per- 
 fons of ditfinction, who complained of 
 having been inhofphably ufed in Greac 
 Britain. A gentle man of France, haly, 
 or Germany, who has entertained and 
 fodged an Englifhrr.an at his houfe, when 
 he afterward.-, meets with his gudl at 
 London, is afked to dinner at the Sara- 
 cen's-head, the TurkVhead, the BoarV 
 head, or the Bear, eats raw beef and 
 butter, drinks execrable port, and is 
 allowed to pay his Ihare of the reckon- 
 ing. 
 
 But to return from this digreflion, 
 which my feeling for the honour of my 
 
 country obliged me to make our 
 
 Yorkmire coufin has been a mighty fox- 
 hunter before tbe Lord \ but now he is too 
 fat and unwieldy to leap ditches and five- 
 bar gates ; neverthelcfs, he ftill keeps a 
 pack of hounds,, which are well exercifed -, 
 and his huntfman every night entertains 
 him with the adventures of the day's 
 chace, which he recites in a tone and 
 terms that are extremely curious and fig- 
 nificant. In the mean time, his broad 
 brawn is fcratched by one of his grooms- 
 This fellow, it feems, having no in*- 
 clination to curry any bead out of the (la- 
 bk\ was at great pains to icollop his nails 
 F 4 in
 
 i4 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 in fuch a manner that the blood followed 
 at every ftroke. He was in hopes that 
 he would be difmified from this difagree- 
 able office, but the event turned out con- 
 trary to his expedition His mafter de- 
 clared he was the beft fcratcher in the 
 family ; and now he will not fufTer any 
 other fervant to draw a nail upon his car- 
 cafe. 
 
 The fquire's lady is very proud, with- 
 out being ftiff or inaccefiible. She re- 
 ceives even her inferiors in point of fortune 
 with a kind of anogant civility j but then 
 fhe thinks me has a right to treat them with 
 the moft ungracious freedoms of fpeech, 
 and never fails to Jet tlicm know (He is 
 fenfible of her own luperior affluence- 
 In a word, fhe fpeaks well of no living 
 foul, and has not one fingle friend in the 
 world. Her hufband hates her mortally; 
 but, although the brute is fometimes fa 
 very powerful in him that he will have 
 his own way, he generally truckles to her 
 dominion, and dreads, like a fchool-boy, 
 the hfh of her tongue. On the other 
 hand, fhe is afraid of provoking him too 
 far, left he mould make fome defperate 
 effort to make off her yoke. She, there- 
 fore, acquiefces in the proofs he daily 
 gives cf his attachment to the liberty of 
 
 an
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 105 
 
 an Englim freeholder, by faying and do- 
 ing, at his own table, whatever gratifies 
 the brutality of his difpofition, or contri- 
 butes to the eafe of his perfon. The 
 houfe, though large, is neither elegant 
 nor comfortable. It looks like a great 
 inn, crowded with travellers, who dine 
 at the landlord's ordinary, where there is 
 a great profufion of victuals and drink, 
 but mine hoft fecms to be mifplaced ; 
 and I would rather dine upon filberts with 
 a hermit, than feed upon venifon with a 
 hog. The footmen might be aptly com- 
 pared to the waiters of a tavern, if they 
 were more ferviceable and lefs rapacious -, 
 but they are generally infolent and inat- 
 tentive, and fo greedy, that, I think, I 
 can dine better, and for lefs expence, at 
 the Star and Garter in Pall mall, than at 
 our coufin's caflle in Yorklhire. The 
 'fquire is not only accommodated with a 
 wife, but he is alfo blefled with an only 
 fon, about two and twenty, juft returned 
 from Italy, a complete fidler and dillet- 
 tante\ and he flips no opportunity of 
 manifefting the molt perfect contempt 
 for his own father. 
 
 When we arrived, there was a family 
 
 of foreigners at the houfe, on a vifit to 
 
 this virtuofo, with whom they had been 
 
 F 5 ac-
 
 106 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 acquainted . at the Spa ; it was the count 
 de Melville, with his lady, on their way 
 to Scotland. Mr. Burdock had met with 
 an aicLitnt, in confequence of which, 
 both the count and I would have retired, 
 but the young gentleman and his mother 
 infifted upon our ftaying dinner , and 
 their ferenity fVemed to be fo little ruf- 
 fled by what had happened, that we corrir 
 plied with their invitation. The Cquire 
 had been brought home over night in his 
 poll-chaife, fb terribly belaboured about 
 the pate, that he feemed to be in a date" 
 of ttupefaclion, and had ever fince re- 
 mained fpeechlffs. A country apothe- 
 cary, called Grieve, w,ho lived in a 
 neighbouring village, having been called 
 to his afliftance, had let him blood, and 
 applied a poultice to his head, declaring, 
 that he had no fever, nor any other bad 
 fymptom but the lofs of fpeech, if he 
 really had loft that faculty. But the 
 young Tquire faid this practitioner was an 
 ignorant a: do, that there was a fracture 
 in the cranium, and that there was a ne- 
 cefiity for having him trepanned without 
 lofs of time. His mother, efpoufing this 
 opinion, had fent an exprefs to York for 
 a furgeon to perform the operation, and 
 he was already come with his 'prentice 
 and inflruments. Having examined the
 
 HU MPHRY CLINKER. loj 
 
 patient's head, he began to prepare his 
 drf flings-, though Grieve ftill retained his 
 firft opinion that there was no frafture, 
 and was the more confirmed in it as the 
 Tquire had patted the night in profound 
 flttp, uninterrupted by any catching or 
 eonvulfion. The York furgeon faid he 
 could not tell whether there was a frac- 
 ture, until he fhould take off the fcalp , 
 but, at any rate, the operation might be 
 of fervice in giving vent to any blood that 
 might be extravaiated, either above or 
 below the dura mater The lady and her 
 Ton were clear for trying the experiment , 
 and Grieve was difmiflcd with fome 
 marks of contempt, which, perhaps, he 
 owed to the plainnefs of his a pearance. 
 He feemed to be about the middle age, 
 wore his own black hair without any fort 
 of dreffing ; by his garb, one would have 
 taken him for a quaker, but he had none 
 of the ftiffnefs of that feet, on the contra- 
 ry, he was very fubmiffive, refpedtful, and. 
 remarkably taciturn. 
 
 Leaving the ladies in an apartment by 
 themfclves, we adjourned to the patient's 
 chamber where the drefllngs and inftru- 
 ments were difplayed in order upon a 
 pewter difli. The operator, laying afide 
 his coat and periwig, equipped himfelf 
 6 .with.
 
 io8 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 with a night-cap, apron, and fleeves, 
 while his 'prentice and footman, feizing 
 the 'fquire's head, began to place it in a 
 proper pofture.- But mark what fol- 
 lowed. The patient, bolting upright in 
 the bed, collared each of thefe afliftants 
 with the grafp of Hercules, exclaiming, 
 in a bellowing tone, " I ha'n't lived fo 
 " long in Yorkfkire to be trepanned by 
 <c fuch vermin as you j" and leaping on 
 the floor, put on his breeches quietly, to 
 the aftonifhment of us all. The Surgeon 
 ftill infifled upon the operation, alledging 
 it was now plain that the brain was in- 
 jured, and defiring the fervants to put 
 him into bed again ; but no body would 
 venture to execute his orders, or even 
 to interpofe : when the 'fquire turntd 
 him and his afiiftants out of doors, and 
 threw his apparatus out at the window. 
 Having thus aflerted his prerogative, and 
 put on his cloaths with the help of a va- 
 let, the count, with my nephew and me, 
 were introduced by his fon, and received 
 with his ufual flile of ruflic civility ; then 
 turning to fignor Macaroni, with a farcaf- 
 tic grin, " 1 tell thee what, Dick, (faid 
 " he) a man's fcull is not to be bored 
 *' every time his head is broken ; and I'll 
 *' convince thee and thy mother, that I 
 
 44 know
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 109 
 
 " know as many tricks as e'er an old fox 
 " in the Weft Riding." 
 
 We afterwards underftood he had quar- 
 relled at a public houfe with an excife- 
 man, wham he challenged to a bout 
 at fmgle ftick, in which he had been 
 worded i and that the fhame of this de- 
 feat had tied up his tongue, As f r ma- 
 dam, fhe had Ihewn no concern for his 
 difafter, and now heard of his recovery 
 without emotion She had taken fome 
 little notice of my fitter and niece, though 
 rather with a view to indulge her own 
 petulance, than out of any fentiment of 
 regard to our family. She faid Liddy 
 was a fright, and ordered her woman to 
 adjuft her head before dinner , but fhe 
 would not meddle with Tabby, whofe 
 fpiric, (he foon perceived, was not to be 
 irritated with impunity. At table, fhe 
 acknowledged me fo far as to fay (he had 
 heard of my father ; though me hinted, 
 that he had difobliged her family by 
 making a poor match in Wales. She 
 was diiagreeably familiar in her enquiries 
 about our circumftances ; and afked, if I 
 intended to bring up my nephew to the 
 law. I told her, that, as he had an inde- 
 pendent fortune, he mould follow no 
 profefiion but that of a country gentle- 
 man;
 
 no THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 man j and that I was not without hopes- 
 of procuring for him a feat in parliament 
 
 , c Pray, coufin, (faid (he) what may 
 
 " his fortune be?" When I anfwered, 
 that, with what I fhould be abb to give 
 him, he would have better than two 
 thoufand a year, Ihe replied, with a dif- 
 daintul tofs of her head that it would 
 be impoffible for him to prtferve his in- 
 dependence on fuch a paultry provision. 
 
 Not a little nettled at this arrogant re- 
 mark, I told her, I had the honour to fit 
 in parliament with her father, when he 
 had little more than half that income ,. 
 and I believed there was not a n.ore in- 
 dependent and incorruptible member in 
 the houfe. " Ay; but times are changed, 
 * (cried the fquire] Country gent'c men 
 * l now-a-days live after another fathion. 
 *' My table alone fhnds me in a cool 
 " thoufand a quarter, though I raife my 
 " own ftock, import my own liquors, 
 " and have every thing at the firft hand. 
 ** True it is, I keep open houfe, and 
 '* receive all comers, tor the honour of 
 " Old England." " If that bt the cafe, 
 ** (faid I) 'tis a wonder you can maintain 
 " it at fo fmall an expence ; but every 
 " private gentleman is not expected to 
 44 keep a caravanfera for the accommoda- 
 
 ' tion
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, in 
 
 * l tion of travellers : indeed, if every in* 
 '" dividual lived in the fame ftile, you 
 " would not have fuch a number of 
 " guefts at your table, of confequence 
 61 your hofpitality would not fhine Ib 
 *' bright for the glory of the Weft Rid- 
 " ing." The young Tquire, tickled by 
 this ironical obfervation, exclaimed, " 6 
 " cbe burla /" his mother eyed me in 
 filence with a fupercilious air ; and the 
 father of the feaft, taking a bumper of 
 October, " My fervice to you, coufm 
 tl Bramble, (faid he) I have always heard 
 " there \*as forr.ething keen and biting in, 
 " the air of the Welcr. mountains.'* 
 
 1 was much pleafed with the count de 
 Melville, who is fenfible, eafy, and po- 
 lite , and the countefs is the mod amiable 
 woman I ever beheH. In the afternoon 
 they took leave of theif entertainers, and 
 the young gentleman, mounting his horfe, 
 undertook to conduct their c^ach through 
 the park, while one of their fervants rode 
 round to give notice to the reft, whom 
 they had left at a public houfe on the 
 road. The moment their backs were 
 turned, the cenforious daemon took pof- 
 fcfllon of our Yorkmire landlady and our 
 
 fifter Tabitha The former obferved, 
 
 that the countefs was a good fort of a 
 
 body,
 
 H2 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 body, but totally ignorant of good breed- 
 ing, confequently aukward in her addrefs. 
 The fquire laid, he did not pretend to the 
 breeding of any thing but colts ; but 
 that the jade would be very handfome, if 
 fhe was a little more in flefri. " Hand- 
 " fome ! (cried Tabby) fhe has indeed a 
 " pair of black eyes without any mean- 
 " ing ; but then there is not a good fea- 
 " ture in her face." " I know not what 
 " you call good features in Wales (re- 
 " plied our landlord; ; but they'll pafs in 
 " Yorkfhire." Then turning to Liddy, 
 he added, " What fay you, my pretty 
 S' Redftreak ? what is your opinion of 
 *.* the countefs ?" " 1 think, (cried Lid- 
 " dy, with great emotion \ (he's an angel." 
 Tabby chid her for talking wiih luch 
 freedom in company ; and the lady of 
 the houle faid, in a contemptuous tone, 
 fhe iuppofcd mifs had been brought up 
 at fome country boarding-fchool. 
 
 Our converfation was fuddenly inter- 
 rupted by the young gentleman, who 
 galloped into the yard all aghaft, ex- 
 claiming, that the coach was attacked by 
 a great number of highwaymen. My ne- 
 phew and I ruflied out, found his own and 
 his fervant's horfe ready laddled in the 
 ftable, with piftols in the caps We 
 
 mounted
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 113 
 
 mounted inftamly, ordering Clinker and 
 Dutton to follow with all poffible expedi- 
 tion ; but notwithftanding all the fpeed 
 we could make, the aftion was over be- 
 fore we arrived, and the count with his 
 lady, fafe lodged at the houfe of Grieve, 
 who had fignalized himfelf in a very re- 
 markable manner on this occafion. At 
 the turning of a lane, that led to the vil- 
 lage where the count's fervants remained, 
 a couple of robbers a-horfeback luddenly 
 appeared, with their piftols advanced : 
 one kept the coachman in awe, and the 
 other demanded the count's money, while 
 the young fquire went off at full fpeed, 
 without ever carting a look behind. The 
 count defiring the thief to withdraw Ha 
 piftol, as the lady was in great terror, de- 
 livered his purfe without making the leaft 
 refiftance ; but not fatisfied with this 
 booty, which was pretty confiderable, 
 the rafcal infilled upon rifling h<sr of her 
 ear -rings and necklace, and the countefs 
 fcreamed with affright. Her hufband, 
 exal'perated at the violence with which 
 flie was threatened, wreftcd the piftol out 
 of the fellow's hand, and turning it upon 
 him, fnapped it in his face ; but the rob- 
 bfr knowing there was no charge in ir, 
 drew another from his bofom, and in all 
 
 pro*
 
 U4 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 probability would have killed him on the 
 fpot, had not his life been faved by a won- 
 derful intcrpofition. Grieve, the apothe- 
 cary, chancing to pafs that very inftant, 
 ran up to the coach, and with a crab-ftick, 
 which was all the weapon he had, brought 
 the fellow to the ground with the firlt 
 blow ; then feizing his piftol, prefented it 
 to his colleague, who fired his piece at ran- 
 dom, and fled without further oppofition. 
 The other was fecured by the afliliance of 
 the count and the coachman ; and his legs 
 being tied under the belly of his own 
 horfe, Grieve condufted him to the vil- 
 lage, whither alfo the carriage proceeded. 
 It was with great difficulty the countefs 
 could be kept from fwooning; but at 
 laft me was happily conveyed to the houfe 
 of the apothecary, who went into the (hop 
 to prepare fome drops for her, while his 
 wife and daughter adminiftered to her in 
 anothet* apartment. 
 
 I found the count (landing in the kitchen 
 with the par-fon of the parim, and exprefiing 
 much impatience to fee his protector, 
 whom as yet he had fcarce found time to 
 thank for the eflential fervice he had done 
 him and the countefs. The daughter 
 paillng at the fame time with a glafs of 
 water, monfieur de Melville could not 
 
 help
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 115 
 
 help raking notice of her figure, which 
 was ftrikingly engaging. " Ay, (faid the 
 41 p.ufon) fhe is the prettied girl, and 
 44 the bc(t girl in all my parifh: and if 
 *' I could give my fon an eftate of ten 
 <l thoufmd a year, he fhould have my 
 41 confent ro lay it at her feet. If Mr. 
 ** Grieve had been as felicitous about 
 " getting money, as he has been in per- 
 *' forming all the duties of a primitive 
 " Chrillian, Fy would not have hung fo 
 " long upon his hands." " What is her 
 " name ?" faid I. " Sixteen years ago 
 *' (aniwered the vicai) I chriftened her by 
 ' the names of Seraphina Melvilia." 
 " Ha ? what ! how ! (cried the count 
 " eagerly) fure, you faid Seraphina Mel- 
 " villa." " I did (faid he) ; Mr. Grieve 
 " told me thole were the names of two 
 " noble perfons abroad, to whom he had 
 " been obliged for more than life." 
 
 The counr, without ipeaking another 
 fyllable, rufhed into the parlour, crying, 
 " This 'is your god -daughter, my dear." 
 Mri. Grieve, then feizing the countefs by 
 the hand, exclaimed with great agitation, 
 " O madam ! O fir ! I am I am your 
 
 " poor Elinor. This is my Seraphina 
 
 ', Mtlvilia -O child ! thefe are the 
 ** count and countefs of Melville, the 
 
 gene-
 
 u6 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " generous the glorious benefaftors of 
 " thy once unhappy parents." 
 
 The countefs rifing from her feat 
 threw her arms about the neck of the 
 amiable Seraphina, and clafped her to 
 her bread with great tendernds, while 
 flie herfelf was embraced by the weeping 
 mother. This moving fcene was com- 
 pleted by the entrance of Grieve himfelf, 
 who falling on his knees before the count, 
 " Behold (faid he) a penitent, who at 
 '* length can look upon his patron with- 
 " out fhrinking." " Ah, Ferdinand ! 
 tc (cried he, raifing and folding him in 
 <c his arms) the play-fellow of my infan- 
 " cy the companion of my youth ! 
 " Is it to you then I am indebted for my 
 " life ?" " Heaven has heard my pray- 
 " er, (faid the other) and given me an 
 *' opportunity to prove mylelf not alto- 
 " gether unworthy of your clemency and 
 " protection." He then kified the hand 
 of the countefs, while monfieur de Mel- 
 ville faluted his wife and lovely daughter, 
 and all of us were greatly afTedted by this 
 pathetic recognition. 
 
 In a word, Grieves was no other than 
 Ferdinand count Fathom, whofe adven- 
 tures were printed many years ago. Be- 
 ing a fmcere convert to virtue; he had 
 
 changed
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 117 
 
 changed his name, that he might elude 
 the enquiries of the count, whofe generous 
 allowance he deternined to forego, that 
 he might have no dependence but upon 
 his own induflry and moderation. He 
 had accordingly fettled in this village as a 
 practitioner in furgery and phyfic, and 
 for fome years wreftled with all the mife- 
 ries of indigence, which, however he 
 and his wife had borne with the moft ex- 
 emplary refignation. At lenght, by dint 
 of unwearied attention to the duties of his 
 profeflion, which he exercifed with equal 
 humanity and fuccefs, he had acquired a 
 tolerable fhaie of bufmefs among the 
 farmers and common people, which ena- 
 bled him to live in a decent manner. He 
 had been fcarce ever feen to fmile -, was 
 unaffectedly pious ; and all the time he 
 could fpare from the avocations of his 
 employment, he fpent in educating his 
 daughter, and in ftudying for his own 
 improvement. In Ihort, the adventurer 
 Fathom was, under the name of Grieve, 
 univerlally relpefted among the common- 
 alty of this diftricl, as a prodigy of learn- 
 ing and virtue. Thefe particulars I 
 learned from the vicar, when we quitted 
 the room, that they might be under no re- 
 ftraint in their mutual effufions. I make 
 
 no
 
 1,8 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 no doubt that Grieve will be prtfTed t* 
 leave off bufincfs, and re-unite himfeif to 
 the count's family ; and as the counttfs 
 feemed extremely fond of his daughter, 
 fhe wi 1, in all probability, infift upcn Se- 
 raphina's accompanying her to Scotland. 
 
 Having paid our compliments to thefe 
 noble perfons, we returned to the Tquire's, 
 where we expected an invitation to pals the 
 night, which was wet and raw; but, it 
 feems, 'fquire Burdock's hofpitality reach- 
 ed not fo far for the honour of Yorkfbire ; 
 we therefore departed in the evening, and 
 lay at an inn, where 1 caught cold. 
 
 Jn hope of riding it down before it 
 could take faft hold on my conftitution, 
 1 refolved to vifit another relation, one 
 Mr. Pimpernel, who lived about a dozen 
 miles from the place whrre we lodged. 
 Pimpernel being the youngfft of tour 
 fons, was bred an attorney at Furniva 's 
 inn ; but all his elder -brothers dying, he 
 got himftlf called to the bar for the ho- 
 nour of his family, and foon after this 
 preferment, fucceeded to his father's eftate 
 which was very confiderable. He carried 
 home with him all the knavifh chicanery 
 of the lowed pettifogger, together with a 
 wife whom he had purchafed of a dray- 
 man for twenty pounds ; and he foon 
 
 found
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKE-R. 119 
 
 found means to obtain a dedimus as an 
 acting juftice of peace. He is not only 
 a fordid mifer in his difpofition, but his 
 avarice is mingled with a fpirit of defpo- 
 tifm, which is truly diabolical He is a 
 brutal hufband, an unnatural parent, a 
 harfh matter, an opprefiive landlord, a li- 
 tigious neighbour, and a partial magi- 
 
 ftrate Friends he has none i and in 
 
 point of hofpitality and good breeding, 
 our coufin Burdock is a prince in com- 
 parifon of this ungracious mifcreant, 
 whofe houfe is the lively reprefentation of 
 a gaol. Our reception was fuitable to the 
 character I have fketched. Had it de- 
 pended upon the wife, we mould have 
 been kindly treated. She is really a good 
 fort of a woman, in ipite of her low ori- 
 ginal, and well refpeted in the country ; 
 but {he has not intereft enough in her 
 own houfe to command a draught of ta- 
 ble beer, far le s to btftow any kind of 
 education on her children, who run about, 
 like ragged colts, in a ftate of nature, 
 Pox on him ! he is fuch a dirty fellow, 
 that I have not patience to profecute the 
 fubjeft. 
 
 By that time we reached Harrigate, I 
 began to be vifited by certain rheumatic 
 fymytoms. The Scotch lawyer, Mr. 
 
 Mickle-
 
 120 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 Micklewhimmen, recommended a hot 
 bath of thefe waters fo earneftly, that I 
 was over-perfuaded to try the experi- 
 ment. He had ufed it often with fuccefs 
 and always flayed an hour in the bath, 
 which was a tub filled with Harrigate 
 water, heated for the purpofe, If I could 
 hardly bear the fmell of a fingle tumbler 
 when cold, you may guefs how my nofe 
 was regaled by the ftreams arifing from a 
 hot bath of the fame fluid. At night, I 
 was conducted into a dark hole on the 
 ground floor, where the tub fmoaked and 
 flunk like the pot of Acheron, 'in one 
 corner, and in another flood a dirty bed 
 
 nvided with thick blankets, in which 
 as to fweat after coming out of the 
 bath. My heart feemed to die within me 
 when I entered this difmal bagnio, and 
 found my brain afiaulted by fuch infuffer- 
 able effluvia. I curfed Micklewhimmen 
 for not confidcring that my organs were 
 formed on this fide of the Tweed ; but 
 being afhamed to recoil upon the thre- 
 fhold, I fubmLted to the procefs. 
 
 After having endured all hut real fuffo- 
 cation for above a quarter of an hour in 
 the tub, I was moved to the bed and 
 wrapped in blankets. There I lay a full 
 hour panting with intolerable heat ; but 
 
 not
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, ,121 
 
 not the leaft moifture appearing on my 
 fkin, I was carried to my own chamber, 
 and pafied the night without doling an 
 eye, in fuch a flutter of fpirits as render- 
 ed me the moil miferable wretch in be- 
 ing. I mould certainly have run diftract- 
 ed, if the rarefaction of my blood, occa- 
 fioned by that Stygian bath, had not burft 
 the vefiels, and produced a violent hae- 
 morrhage, which, though dreadful and 
 alarming, removed the horrible difquiet. 
 I loll two pounds of blood, and more, 
 on this occafion -, and find mytclf ftilt 
 weak and languid j but, I believe, a little 
 excrcife will forward my recovery ; and 
 therefore I am refolved to fet out to-mor- 
 row for York, in my way to Scarbo- 
 rough, where I propofe to brace up my 
 fibres by fea- bathing, which, I know, is 
 one of your favourite fpecificks. There i, 
 however, one difeale, for which you have 
 found as yet no fpecific, and that is old 
 age, of which this tedious unconnected 
 epiftle is an infallible fymptom : what, 
 therefore, cannot be cured, muft be endured^ 
 by you, as well as by 
 
 Yours, 
 
 Harrigate, June 26. MATT. BRAMBLE, 
 
 VOL. II. G To
 
 122 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart, of 
 Jefus college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR KNIGHT, 
 
 THE manner of living at Harrigate 
 was fo agrteable to my difpofiuon, that I 
 left the place with fome regret Our aunt 
 Tabby would have probably made fome 
 objection to our departing fo foon, had 
 not an accident embroiled her with Mr. 
 Micklewhimmen, the Scotch advocate, 
 on whofe heart (he had been praclifing, 
 frpm the fecond day after our arrival 
 That original, though feemingly preclud- 
 ed from the ufe of his limbs, had turned 
 his genius to good account In fhort, by 
 dint of groaning, and whining, he had ex- 
 cited the companion of the company io 
 effectually, that an old lady, who occu- 
 pied the very beil apartment in thr houfe, 
 gave it up for his eafe and convenience. 
 When his man led him into the Long 
 Room, all the females were immediately 
 in commotion One fet an elbow-chair; 
 
 an-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 123 
 
 another {hook up the cufhion ; a third 
 brought a ftool ; ?nd a fourth a pillow, 
 for the accommodation or his reer Two 
 ladies (of whom '1 abby was always one) 
 iupported him into the dining-room, and 
 placed him properly at the table ; and 
 his tafle was indulged with a IticcefTion 
 of delicacies, culled by their fa if hands. 
 All this attention he repaid with a pro- 
 fulion of compliments and benedictions, 
 which were not the lefs agreeable for be- 
 ing delivered in the Scottifti dialect. As 
 for Mrs. Tabitha, his nf r e<5ts wtre parti- 
 cularly addrcfled to her, and he did not 
 fail to mingle them with religious refec- 
 tions, touching free grace, knowing her 
 bias ro methodifm, which he allo pro- 
 fefied upon a calviniftical model. 
 
 For my parr, I could nor help think, 
 ing this lawyer was not fuch an invalid as 
 he pretended to be. I obicrvcd he ate 
 very heartily three tim s a day ; and 
 though his bottle was marked Jhrncchic 
 impure, he had recourle to it lo often, 
 and teemed to fwallow it uith fuch pecu- 
 liar rclilh, tlut I lulpsTclcd it was not 
 compounded in the apothecary's fhop, or 
 the chemift's laboratory. One day, whi'e 
 he was earneft in dilcoi-ile wirh Mrs. 
 '1 abitha, and his fervant had gone, cut 
 G 2 on
 
 124 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 on fome occafion or other, I dextcroufly 
 exchanged the labels, and fuuation of his 
 bottle and mine v and having tailed his 
 tinclure, found it was excellent claret. 
 I forthwith handed it about to fome of 
 my neighbours, and it was quite emptied 
 before Mr. Micklevvhimmen had occafion 
 to repeat his draught. At length, turn- 
 ing about, he took hold of my bottle, 
 ipuead of his own, and, filling a large 
 glals, drank to the health of Mr. Tabi- 
 tha It had fcarce touched his lips, when 
 he perceived the change which had been 
 put upon him, and was at firft a little out 
 
 of countenance He feemed to retire 
 
 within himfelf, in order to deliberate, 
 and in half a minute his refolution was 
 taken ; addrefiing himfelf to our quarter, 
 " I give the gentleman credit for his wit 
 " (faid he) ; it was a gude practical joke; 
 *' but fometimes ki jcci in feria ducur.t wa- 
 *' la I hope for his own fake he has na 
 " drank all the liccor; for it was a vara 
 " poorful infuiion of jallap in Bourdeaux 
 ' wine; at its poflable he may ha ta'en 
 " fie a dofe as will produce a terrible 
 * cataftrophe in his ain booels " 
 
 By far the greater part of the contents 
 had fallen to the fhare of a young clo- 
 thier from Leeds, who had come to make 
 
 a figure
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, 125 
 
 a figure at Harrigate, and was, in effect 
 a great coxcomb in his way. Ic was with, 
 a view to laugh at his feliow-guelb, as 
 well as to mortify the. lawyer, that he hid 
 emptied the bottle, when it came to his 
 turn, and he had laughed accordingly : 
 but now his mirth gave way to his appre- 
 henfion He began to fpir, to make wry 
 faces, and writne himtelf into various 
 contorfions ** Damn the (luff! (cried 
 " he) I thought it had a villainous twang 
 " pah ! He that would cozen a Scot, 
 " mun get oope betimes, and take Old 
 " Scratch for his cotinfellor " " In 
 " troth mefter what d'ye ca'um, (replied 
 " the lawyer) your wit has run you into a 
 " filthy puddle I'm truly conlarncd for 
 '* your waeful cafe The belt advice I 
 l can give you, in fie a delemma, is to 
 " fend an exprefs to Rippon for doctor 
 " Waugh, without delay, and, in the 
 " mean time, fwallow all the oil and but- 
 " ter you can find in the hoofe, to de- 
 " fend your poor ftomach and intaftines 
 *' from the villication of the particles of 
 " thejallap, which is vara violent, even 
 " when taken in moderation." 
 
 The poor clothier's torments had al- 
 ready begun : he retired, roaring with 
 pain, to his own chamber ; the oil was 
 G 3 fwal-
 
 i 2 6 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 fwallowed, and the dodlor fent for ; but 
 before he arrived, the miserable patient 
 had made fuch dilcharges upwards and 
 downwards, that nothing remained to 
 give him further offence ; and this dou- 
 ble evacuation, was produced by imagi- 
 nation alone; for what he had drank 
 was genuine wine of Bourdeaux, which 
 the lawyer had brought from Scotland 
 for his own private ufe. The clothier, 
 finding the pke turn out ib expenfive 
 and difagreeable, quitted the houfe ntxt 
 morning, leaving the triumph to Mickle- 
 whimmen, who enjoyed it internally 
 without any outward figns of exultation 
 -on the contrary, he afTtcled to pity 
 the young man for what he had furTercd ; 
 and acquired frefh credit from this mew 
 of moderation. 
 
 It was about the middle of the night, 
 which lucctded this adventure, that the 
 vent of the kitchen chimney being foul, 
 the foot took fi e, and the alarm was 
 given in a dreadful manner Every body 
 leaped naked out of bed, and in a mi- 
 nute the whole houfe was filled with cries 
 and confufion There was two ftairs in 
 the houfe, and to thefc we naturally ran ; 
 but they were both ib blocked up, by the 
 people prefTing one upon another, that it 
 
 feeni-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 127 
 
 fecmed impofiible to pafs, without throw- 
 ing down and trampling upon the women. 
 In the midft of this anarchy, Mr. Mickle- 
 whimmen, with a leathern portmanteau 
 on his back, came running as nimble as 
 a buck along the paffage j and Tabby 
 in her under-petticoat, endeavouring to 
 hook him under the arm, that (he might 
 efcape through his protection, he very 
 fairly pufhed her down, crying, " Na, 
 " na, gude faith, charity begins athame!" 
 "Without paying the lead rdpecl: to the 
 fhriecks and intreaties of hi; female friend?, 
 he charged through the midft of the 
 crowd, overturning every thing that op- 
 pofed him ; and actually fought his way 
 to the bottom of the (bur-cafe -By this 
 time Clinker had found a ladder, by which 
 he entered the window of my uncle's 
 chamber, where our family was aflem- 
 bled, and propofed that we mould make 
 our exit fuccefiivcly by that conveyance. 
 The 'fquire exhorted his filler to begin, 
 the ddcent; but, before (he could re- 
 folve, her woman, Mrs. Winifred Jen- 
 kins, in a tranfporc of terror, threw 
 herfelf out at the window upon the 
 ladder, while Humphry dropped upon 
 the ground, that he might receive 
 
 her in her defcent This maiden 
 
 G 4 was
 
 128 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 was juft as (he had ftarted out of bed, 
 the moon fhone very bright, and a frefh 
 breeze of wind blowing, none -of Mrs. 
 Winifred's beauties could poffibly efcape 
 the view of the fortunate Clinker, whofe 
 heart was not able to withftand the united 
 force of fo many charms ; at leaft I am 
 much miftaken, if he has not been her 
 humble flave from that moment He re- 
 ceived her in his arms, and, giving her 
 his coat to protect her from the weather, 
 afcended again with admirable dexte- 
 rity. 
 
 At that inftant, the landlord of the 
 houfe called out with an audible voice, 
 that t r e fire was extinguilhed, and the 
 ladies had nothing further to fear : this 
 was a welcome note to the audience, and 
 produced an i m mediate effect , the fhriek- 
 ing ceaied, and a confufed found of ex- 
 port uladon enfued. I conducted Mrs. 
 Tabitha and my fifter to their own cham- 
 ber, where Liddy fainted away, but was 
 foon brought to herfelf. Then I went to 
 offer my fervices to the other ladies, who 
 might want afiiftance They were all 
 fcudding through the pa(Tage to their fe- 
 vcral apartments ; and as the thoroughfair 
 was lighted by to lamps, I had a pret- 
 ly good obfervation of them in their tran-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 129 
 
 fit; but as moft of them were naked to 
 the fmock, and all their heads fhrovvded 
 in huge night-caps, I could notdiliinguifh 
 one face from another, though I recog- 
 nized fome of their voices Thefe were 
 generally plaintive ; fome wept, fome 
 fcolded, and fome prayed I lifted up 
 one poor old gentlewoman, who had been 
 overturned and fore bruifed by a multi- 
 tude of feet , and this was alfo the cafe 
 with the lame parfon from Northumber- 
 land, whom Micklewhimmen had in his 
 pafTage overthrown, though not with im- 
 punity, for the cripple, in falling, gave 
 him fuch a good pelt on the head with 
 his crutch, that the blood followed. 
 
 As for this lawyer, he waited below till 
 the hurly burly was over, and then ftole 
 foftly to his own chamber, from whence 
 he did not venture to make a fecond fal- 
 ly till eleven in the forenoon, when he was 
 led into the Public Room by his own fer- 
 vant and another afiiltant, groaning moft 
 woefully, with a bloody napkin round 
 his head. But things were greatly altered 
 The felfim brutality of his behaviour 
 on the flairs had (h-eled their hearts againft 
 all his arts and addrefs Not a foul of- 
 fered to accommodate him with chair, 
 culhion, or footftool -, fo that he was ob- 
 G 5 ligecl
 
 I go THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 liged to fit down on a hard wooden 
 bench In that pofition, he looked a- 
 round with a rueful afpecT, and, bowing 
 very low, faid in a whining tone, " Your 
 " moft humble fervant, ladies Fire is 
 " a dreadful calamity * c " Fire puri- 
 " fies gold, and it tries friendlhip," 
 cried Mrs, Tabitha, bridling. " Yea, 
 " madam (replied Micklewhimmen) ; 
 " and it trieth difcretion alfc " " If 
 " difcretion confifts in foi faking a friend 
 " in adverfity, you are eminently pofiefTed 
 " of that virtue" (refumed our aunt.- 
 " Na, madam, (rejoined the advocate) 
 " well 1 wot, I cannot claim any merit 
 " from the mode of my retreat Ye'll 
 " plcafe to obferve ladies, there are twa 
 " independent principles that actuate 
 " our nature One is inftinft, which we 
 " have in common with the brute crea- 
 " tion, and the other is reafon Noo, in 
 " certain great emergencies, when the 
 " faculty of reafon is fufpcnded, inftindl 
 '* taks the iead, and when this predo- 
 " minates, having no affinity with rea- 
 " fbn, it pays no fort of regard to its 
 " connections -, it only operates for the 
 " prelervation of the individual, and that 
 ** by the mo^l expeditious and effectual 
 '* means -, therefore, begging your par- 
 
 " don,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 131 
 
 " don, ladies, I'm no accountable in foro 
 " confcienti*^ for what I did, while un- 
 " der the influence of this irrefiftible 
 " pooer." 
 
 Here my uncle interpofing, " I fhould 
 " be glad to know, (faid he) whether it 
 " was inftinct that prompted you to re- 
 " treat with bag and baggage ; for, I 
 " think, you had a portmanteau on your 
 " fhoulder " The lawyer anfwered, 
 without hefication, " Gif I might tell my 
 " mind freely, withoot incuring the fuf- 
 " picion of prefumption, I fhould think 
 " it was fomething fuperior to either rea- 
 " fon or inftincl: which fuggefled that 
 " meafure, and this on a twafald ac- 
 " coont : in the firft place, the port- 
 " manteau contained the writings of a 
 " worthy nobleman's eftate ; and their 
 " being burnt would have occafioned a 
 " lofs that could not be repaired ; fe- 
 " condly, my good angel leems to have 
 " laid the portmanteau on my fhoulders, 
 " by way of deft-nee, to fuftain the vi- 
 " olence of a moft inhuman blow, from 
 " the crutch of a reverend clergyman , 
 " which, even in fpite of that medium, 
 ** hath wounded me forely, even unto 
 " the pericranium." " By your own 
 " doctrine, (cried the parfon, who chanced 
 
 " to
 
 *32 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " to be prefent) I am not accountable 
 " for the blow, which was the effect of 
 " inftincV' " I crave your pardon, re- 
 *' verend fir, (faid the other) inftincl: ne- 
 " ver acts but for the prefervation of the 
 *' individual ; but your prefervation was 
 " out of the cafe 'you had already re- 
 " ceived the damage, and therefore the 
 " blow muft be imputed to revenge, 
 " which is a finful.pafiion, that ill be- 
 " comes any Chriftian, efpecially a pro- 
 " teftant divine j and let me tell you, 
 '* moft reverend doctor, gin I had a 
 " mind to plea, the law would hauld 
 " my libel relevant." " Why, the da- 
 '* mage is pretty equal on both fides 
 " (cried the parfon) i your head is broke, 
 " and my crutch is fnapt in the middle 
 " Now, if you will repair the one, I 
 " will be at the expence of curing the 
 " other." 
 
 This fally raifed the laugh again ft 
 Micklewhimmen, who began to look 
 grave; 'when my uncle, in order to 
 change the difcourfe, obferved, that in- 
 ftinct had been very kind -to him in an- 
 other refpect ; for it had reftored to him 
 the ufe of his limbs, which, in his cxir, 
 he hud moved with furprifing agility. 
 He replied, that it was the nature of fear 
 
 to
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 133 
 
 to brace up the nerves.; and mentioned 
 fome furprifing feats of flrength and ac- 
 tivity performed by perfonj under the 
 impulfc of terror; but he complained, 
 that in his own particular, the effects 
 had ceafed when the caufe was taken 
 away The 'fquire faid, he would lay a 
 tea-drinking on his head, that he (hould 
 dance a Scotch meafure, without making 
 a falfe ftep ; and the advocate grinning, 
 called for the piper A. fidler being at 
 hand, this original darted up, with his 
 bloody napkin over his black tye-peri- 
 wig, and acquitted himfelf in fuch a man- 
 ner as excited the mirth of the whole 
 company ; but he could not regain the 
 good graces of Mrs. Tabby, who did not. 
 underttand the principle of inftinc"t; and 
 the lawyer did not think it worth his while 
 to proceed to further demonftration. 
 
 From Harrigate, we came hither, by 
 the way of York, and here we (hall tar- 
 ry fome days, as my uncle and Tabitha 
 are both reiblved to make ufe of the 
 waters. Scarborough, though a paltry 
 town, is romantic from its fituation along 
 a cliff that over-hangs the fea. The har- 
 bour is formed by a fmall elbow of land 
 thar runs out as a natural mole, directly 
 oppofice to the town', and on that fide is, 
 
 tke
 
 134 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 the caftle, which (lands very high, of 
 confiderable extent, and, before the in- 
 vention of gun-powder, was counted im- 
 pregnable. At the other end of Scar- 
 borough are two public rooms for the 
 ufe of the company, who refort to this 
 place in the fummer, to drink the waters 
 and bathe in the fea ; and the diverfions 
 are pretty much on the fame footing here 
 as at Bath. The Spa is a little way be- 
 yond the town, on this fide, under a cliff, 
 within a few paces of the fea, and thither 
 the drinkers go every morning in difha- 
 bille-, but the defcent is by a great num- 
 ber of fleps, which invalids find very in- 
 convenient. Betwixt the well and the 
 harbour, the bathing machines are ran- 
 ged along the becc\ with all their pro. 
 per utenfils and attendants You have 
 never feen one of thefe machines linage 
 to yourfelf a fmall, fnug, wooden cham- 
 ber, fixed upon a wheel-carriage, having 
 a door at each end, and on each fide a 
 little window above, a bench below 
 The bather, afcending into this apart- 
 ment by wooden fteps, fhuts himfelf in, 
 and begins to undrels, while the atten- 
 dant yokes a horfe to the end next the 
 fea, and draws the carriage forwards, till 
 the furface of the water is on a level with 
 
 the
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 135 
 
 the floor of the dreffing-room , then he 
 moves and fixes the horfe to the other 
 end The perfon within being ftripped, 
 opens the door to the fea-ward, where he 
 finds the guide ready, and plunges head- 
 long into the water 'After having 
 bathed, he re-afcends into the apart- 
 ment, by the fteps which had been fhift- 
 ed for that purpofe, and pins on his 
 clothes at his leifure, while the carriage 
 is drawn back again upon the dry land ; 
 ib that he has nothing further to do, but 
 to open the door, and come down as he 
 went up Should he be fo weak or ill as 
 to require a fervant to put off and on his 
 cloches, there is room enough in the 
 apartment for half a dozen people. The 
 guides who attend the ladies in the wa- 
 ter, are of their own fex, and they and 
 the female bathers have a drefs of flan- 
 nel for the fea-, nay, they are provided 
 with other conveniencies for the fupport 
 of decorum. A certain number of the 
 machines are fitted with tilts, that project 
 from the fca-ward ends of them, fo as to 
 fcreen the bathers from the view of all 
 perfons whatfoever The beach is admir- 
 ably adapted for this practice, the defcent 
 being gently gradual, and the fand foft 
 as velvet j but then the machines can be 
 
 ufed
 
 1 3 6 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 nfed only at a certain rime of the tide, 
 which varies every day; fo that fome- 
 times the bathers are obliged to rife very 
 early in the morning For my part, I 
 love fwimming as an exercife, and can 
 enjoy it at all times of the tide, without 
 the formality of an apparatus You and 
 I have often plunged together into the 
 Ifis , but the fea is a much more nobte 
 bath, for health as well as pleafure. You 
 cannot conceive what a flow of fpirits it 
 gives, and how it braces every fmew of 
 the human frame. Were 1 to enumerate 
 half the difeafes which are every day cured 
 by fea-bathing, you might juflly lay you 
 had received a treatife, inftead of a let- 
 ter, from 
 
 your afreclionate friend 
 
 and fcrvant, 
 Scarborough, July K J. MEL-FORD. 
 
 To
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 137 
 
 To Dr. LEWIS. 
 
 I HAVE not found all the benefit I 
 expected at Scarborough, where I have 
 been theie eight days From Harrigate 
 we came hither by the way of York, 
 where we ft.iycd only one day to vifit the 
 Caftle, theMinftvr, and the AfTcmbly-room. 
 The firft, which was heretofore a fortrefs, 
 is now converted to a prifon, and is the 
 bcft, in all refpecb, I ever faw, at home 
 or abroad It Hands in a high fituation, 
 extremely well ventilated; and has a fpa- 
 cious area within the walls, for the health 
 and convenience of all the prifoners, -ex- 
 cept thofe whom it is neceffary to fecure 
 
 in clofe confinement Even thefe laft 
 
 have all the comforts that the nature of 
 their fituation can admit. Here the afiizes 
 are held, in a range of buildings creeled 
 for that purpoie. 
 
 As for the Minfler, I know not how to 
 ditfinguifh it, except by its great fize and 
 the height of its fpire, from thofe other 
 
 an-
 
 i$8 THE EXPEDITION OF' 
 
 antient churches in different parts of the 
 kingdom, which uied to be called monu- 
 ments of Gothic architecture , but it is 
 now agreed, that this ftile is Saracen ra- 
 ther than Gothic , and, I fuppofe, it was 
 firft imported into England from Spain, 
 great part of which was under the domi- 
 nion of the Moors. Thofe Britim archi- 
 tects who adopted this ftile, don't feerri 
 to have confidered the propriety of their 
 adoption. The climate of rhe country, 
 poflefled by the Moors or Saracens, both 
 in Africa and Spain, was fo exceedingly 
 hot and dry, that thofe who built places 
 of worfhip for the multitude, employed 
 their talents in contriving edifices that 
 mould be cool; and, for this purpofe, 
 nothing could be better adopted than 
 thofe buildings -, vaft, narrow, dark, and 
 lofty, impervious to the fun-beams, and 
 having lutle communication with the 
 fcorched external atmofphere; but ever 
 affording a refrefhing coolnefs, like fub- 
 terranean cellars in the h<;ats of fummer, 
 or natural caverns in the bowels of huge 
 mountains. But nothing could be more 
 prepofterous, than to imitate fuch a mode 
 of architecture in a country like Eng- 
 land, where the climate is cold, and the 
 air eternally loaded with vapours-, and 
 
 where,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 139 
 
 where, of confequence, the builder's in- 
 tention Ihould be to keep the people dry 
 and warm For my parr, I never entered 
 the Abbey church at Bath but once, and 
 the moment I tfept over the threfhold, I 
 found myfelf chilled to the very marrow 
 of my bones When we confider, that 
 in our churches, in general, we breathe 
 a grofs ftagnated air, furcharged with 
 damps from vaults, tombs, and charnel- 
 houfes, may we not term them fo many 
 magazines of rheums, created for the be- 
 nefit of the medical faculty ? and lafely 
 aver, that more bodies are loft, than 
 fouls faved, by going to church, in the 
 winter efpecially, which may be faid to 
 engrofs eight months in the year. I 
 fhou d be glad to know, what offence it 
 would give to tender confciences, if the 
 houfe of God was made more comfort- 
 able, or lefs dangerous to the health of 
 valetudinarians ; and whether it would 
 not be an encouragement to piety, as well 
 as the lalvation of many lives, if the 
 place of worfhip was well floored, wain- 
 icotted, warmed, and ventilated, and its 
 area kept facred from the pollution of the 
 dead. The practice of burying in 
 churches was the effect of ignorant fu- 
 pcriticion, influenced by knavifh priefts, 
 
 who
 
 140 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 who pretended that the devi! could have 
 no power over the defunct, if he was in- 
 terred in holy ground , and this, indeed, 
 is the only reaibn that can be given for 
 confecrating all cemeteries, even at this 
 day. 
 
 The external appearance of an old ca- 
 thedral cannot be but difpleafing to the 
 eye of every man, who has any idea of 
 propriety and proportion, even though he 
 may be ignorant of architecture as a 
 fcience-, and the long flender fpire puts 
 one in mind of a criminal impaled, with 
 a fharp ftake rifm? up through his 
 fhoulder Thefe towers, or fteeples, were 
 Jikewife borrowed from the Mahometans ; 
 who, having no bells, ufed fuch mina- 
 rets for the purpofe of calling the people 
 to prayers They may be of further ufe, 
 however, for making obfervations and 
 fignals ; but I would vote for their be- 
 ing diftinft from the body of the church, 
 becaufe they ferve only to make the pile 
 more barbarous, or SaracenciaL 
 
 There is nothing of this Arabic archi- 
 tecture in the AfTembly Room, which 
 feems to me to have been built upon a de- 
 fign of Palladio, and might be converted 
 into an elegant place of worfhip ; but it 
 is indifferently contrived for that fort of 
 
 ido-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 141 
 
 idolatry which is performed in it at pre- 
 fenr : the grandeur of the fane gives a 
 diminutive effect to the little painted di- 
 vinities that are adorned in it, and the 
 company, on a ball-night, muft look like 
 an affembly of fantaftic fairies, revelling 
 by moon-light among the columns of a 
 Grecian temple. 
 
 Scarborough feems to be falling off, in 
 
 point of reputation All thefe places 
 
 (Bath excepted) have their vogue, and 
 then the faihion changes I am perfuad- 
 cd, there are fifty fpaws in England as 
 jefficacious and falutary as that of Scar- 
 borough, though they have not yet rifen 
 to fame ; and, perhaps, never will, un- 
 lefs fome medical encomiaft mould find 
 an intereft in difplaying their virtues to 
 
 the public view Be that as it may, re- 
 
 courfe will always be had to this place 
 for the convenience of fea bathing, while 
 this practice prevails , but it were to be 
 wiftied, they would make the'beach more 
 accefiible to invalids. 
 
 I have here met with my old acquain- 
 tance, H 1, whom you have often 
 
 heard me mention as one of the moft 
 
 original characters upon earth 1 firft 
 
 knew him at Venice, and afterwards faw 
 him in different parts of Italy, where he 
 
 was
 
 i 4 2 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 was well known by the nick-name of Ca- 
 vallo Bianco, from his appearing always 
 mounted on a pale horfe, like Death in 
 the Revelations. You mufl remember 
 the account I once gave you of a curious 
 difpute he had at Conftantinople, with a 
 couple of Turks, in defence of the Chri- 
 ftian religion ; a difpute from which he 
 acquired the epithet of Demonftrator 
 
 The truth is, H owns no religion 
 
 but that of nature ; but, on this occafion, 
 he was llimulated to fhew his parts, for 
 the honour of his country Some years 
 ago, being in the Campicloglio at Rome, 
 he made up to the buft of Jupiter, and, 
 bowing very low, exclaimed in the Italian 
 language, " I hope, fir, if ever you get 
 " your head above water again, you will 
 " remember that I paid my relpt cts to 
 <c you in your adverfity." This fally was 
 reported to the cardinal Camerlengo, and 
 by him laid before pope Benedict XIV. 
 who could not help laughing at the ex- 
 travagance of the addrrfs, and faid to the 
 cardinal, " Thofe Englifh heretics think 
 ' they have a right to go to the devil in 
 " their own way." 
 
 Indeed H was the only Fnglifh- 
 roan I ever knew, who had refolution 
 enough to live in his own way, in the 
 
 midft
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 143 
 
 nnidft of foreigners j for, neither in drefs, 
 diet, cuftoms, or converfation, did he 
 deviate one tittle from the manner in 
 which he had been brought up. About 
 twelve years ago, he began a Giro or cir- 
 cuit, which he thus performed At Na- 
 ples, where he fixed his head-quarters, 
 he embarked for Marfeilles, from whence 
 he travelled with a Voiturin to Antibes 
 There he took his paffage to Genoa and 
 Lerici ; from which laft place he pro- 
 ceeded, by the way of Cambratina, to Pifa 
 and Florence After having halted fome 
 time in this metropolis, he fet out with a 
 Vetturino for Home, where he repofrd 
 himfelf a few weeks, and then continued 
 his route for Naples, in order to wait for 
 the next opportunity of embarkation 
 After having twelve times defcribed this 
 circle, he lately flew off at a tangent to 
 vifit fome trees at his country. houfe in 
 England, which he had planted above 
 twenty years ago, after the plan of the 
 double colonnade in the piazza of St. 
 
 Peter's at Rome He came hither to 
 
 Scarborough, to pay his refpects to his 
 noble friend and former pupil, the M 
 
 of G , and, forgetting that he is now 
 
 turned of feventy, iacrificed fo liberally 
 to Bacchus, that ntxt day he was feized 
 
 with
 
 I 4 4 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 a fit of the apoplexy, which has a little 
 impaired his memory, but he retains all 
 the oddity of his character in perfection, 
 and is going back to Italy, by the way 
 of Geneva, that he may have a confe- 
 rence with his friend Voltaire, about giv- 
 ing the laft blow to the Chriftian fuper- 
 ftition He intends to take fhipping here 
 for Holland or Hamburgh , tor it is a 
 matter of great indifference to him at 
 what part of the continent he firft 
 land?. 
 
 When he was going abroad the laft 
 time, he took his paffage in a mip bound 
 for Leghorn, and his baggage was actu- 
 ally embarked. In going down the river 
 by water, he was by miftake put on board 
 of another vrffel under fail , and, upon 
 inquiry, underftood (he was bound to 
 
 Peterfburgh " Peterfburgh, Peierf- 
 
 " burgh (faid he) I don't care if I go 
 " along with you." He forthwith ftruck 
 a bargain with the captain , bought a 
 couple of fhirts of the mate, and was 
 fafe conveyed to the court of Muicovy, 
 from whence he travelled by land to re- 
 ceive his baggage at Leghorn He is 
 
 now more likely than ever to execute a 
 whim of the fame nature ; and I will hold 
 any wager, that as he cannot be fuppofed 
 
 to
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 1*5 
 
 to live much longer, according to the 
 courfe of nature, his exit will be as odd 
 as his life has been extravagant*. 
 
 But, to return from one humourift to 
 another; you muft know I have received 
 benefit, both from the chalybeate and the 
 fea, and would have ufed them longer, 
 had not a moft ridiculous adventure, by 
 making me the town-talk, obliged me to 
 leave the place ; for I can't bear the 
 thoughts of affording a fpectacle to the 
 multitude* Yefterday morning, at fix 
 o'clock, I went down to the bathing- 
 place, attended by my fervant Clinker, 
 who waited on the beach as ufual Tl.e 
 wind blowing from the north, and the 
 
 * Th's gentleman crofled the lea to France, vifited 
 and conferred with Mr. de Voltaire at Fcrnay, r^- 
 fiimed his old circuit a: Genoa, and d'eJ in 1767, 
 at the houfe of Vanini in Florence. Being tak -n wirh 
 a lupprellion of urine, he reiolved, in i.ijitatou of" 
 Pompsnius Atric'.is, to take himfe:f off by nbhVnencc; 
 and this resolution hi executed like an ancient Ro- 
 man. He lUov coinpaTy to the lalt, cracked his jokes, 
 converfed freely, and entertained his guefts widi 
 mulic. On the third day of his faft, lit found hirn- 
 |e!f entirely freed of his complaint; hut r?tufid t:ik.- 
 in% fullenance. He laid the moft di (agreeable part of 
 the voyage was part, and hi ihould be a curie.l fool 
 indeed, to put about ftiip, when he wa? jolt uit-jrin^ 
 the harbour. Jo th-:ie fentiments he permitted, with- 
 out any mirk? of afFeclation, and thuj fmifh.'d his 
 courfe with fuch cafe and ferenity, as would have 
 done honour to the firmed Stoic of antiquity. 
 
 VOL. II. H weather
 
 i 4 6 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 weather being hazy, the water proved fo 
 chill, that when 1 rofe from my firft: 
 plunge, I could not help fobbing and 
 bawling out, from the effects of the cold. 
 Clinker, who heard me cry, and faw me 
 indiftinctly a good way without the guide, 
 buffettmg the waves, took it for granted 
 I was drowning, and rufhing into the fea, 
 clothes and all, overturned the guide in 
 his hurry to fave his matter. I had fwam 
 out a few ftrokes, when hearing a noife, 
 I turned about and faw Clinker, already 
 up to his neck, advancing towards me, 
 with all the wildnefs of terror in his a- 
 fpect Afraid he would get out of his 
 depth, I made hade to meet him, when, 
 all of a fudden, he feized me by one ear, 
 and dragged me bellowing with pain up- 
 on the dry beach, to the aftoniftiment of 
 all the people, men, women, and chil- 
 dren there afiembled. 
 
 I was fo exafperated by the pain of .my 
 car, and the difgrace of being expofed in 
 fuch an attitude, that, in the firft tran- 
 f^ort, I ftruck him down-, then, run- 
 ning back into the fea, took flicker in the 
 machine where my clothes had been de- 
 pofited. I foon recollected myfelf fo far 
 as to do juftice to the poor fellow, who, 
 in great fimplicity of be art, had acted 
 
 from
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 147 
 
 from motives of fidelity and aftedtion . 
 Opening the door of the machine, which 
 was immediately drawn on more, I faw 
 him (landing by the wheel, dropping like 
 a water-work, and trembling from head 
 to foot-, partly from cold, and partly 
 from the dread of having offended his 
 mafter I made my acknowledgments for 
 the blow he had received, allured him I 
 was not angry, and infilled upon his go- 
 ing home immediately, to fhift his 
 clothes ; a command which he could 
 hardly find in his heart to execute, (o 
 well difpofed was he to furnifh the mob 
 with further entertainment at my ex- 
 pence. Clinker's intention was laudable 
 without all doubt, but, neverthelefs, I 
 am a fufferer by his fimpli ity 1 have 
 had a burning-heat, and a ftrange buz- 
 zing noife in that ear, ever fince it was fo 
 roughly treated , and I cannot walk the 
 ftreet without being pointed at, as the 
 monftcr that was hau ed naked z -more 
 upon the beach Well, 1 affirm that fol- 
 ly is often more provoking than knavery, 
 aye and more mifchievous too , and whe- 
 ther a man had not better choofe a fenfi- 
 ble rogue, than an honed fimpleton for 
 his fervant, is no matter of doubt with 
 
 yours, 
 
 Scarborough, July 4. MATT. BRAMBLE.
 
 i 4 8 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart, of 
 Jefus college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR WAT, 
 
 W E made a precipitate retreat from 
 Scarborough, owing to the excefiive de- 
 licacy of our 'Iquire, who cannot bear the 
 thoughts of being pr<etereuntium digito 
 tnonjiratus. 
 
 One morning, while he was bathing in 
 the fea, his man Clinker took it in his 
 head that his mailer was in danger of 
 drowning ; and, in this conceit, plung- 
 ing into the water, he lugged him out 
 naked on the beach, and almoft pulled 
 off his ear in the operation. You may 
 guefs how this atchievement was relifh- 
 cd by Mr. Bramble, who is impatient, 
 irafcible, and has the mod extravagant 
 ideas of decency and decorum in the 
 ceconomy of his own perfon In the firft 
 ebullition of his choler, he knocked 
 Clinker down with his fift ; but he after- 
 wards made him amends for his outrage, 
 
 and,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 149 
 
 and in order to avoid the further notice 
 of the people, among whom this incident 
 had made him remarkable, he refolved 
 to leave Scarborough next day. 
 
 We fet out accordingly over the 
 moors, by the way of Whitby, and be- 
 gan our journey betimes, in hopes of 
 reaching Stockton that night ; but in this 
 hope we were difappointed In the after- 
 noon, crofting a deep gutter, made by a 
 torrent, the coach was fo hard (trained, 
 lhat one of the irons, which connect the 
 frame, fnapt, and the leather fling on the 
 fame fide, cracked in the middle The 
 fhock was fo great, that my filter Liddy 
 (truck her head againft Mrs. Tabitha's 
 nofe with fuch violence that the blood 
 flowed ; and Win Jenkins was darted 
 through a final 1 window, in that part "of 
 the carriage next the horfes, where (he 
 (tuck like a bawd in the piHory, till (he 
 was releafed by the hand of Mr. Bram- 
 ble. We were eight miles diftant from, 
 any place where we could be fupplied 
 with chaifes, and it was impoffible to 
 proceed with the coach, until the da- 
 mage mould be repaired In this dilem- 
 ma, we dilcovered a black-fmith's forge 
 on the edge of a fmall common, about 
 half a mile from the fcene of our difafter, 
 H 3 and
 
 I 5 o THE EXPEDITION Of 
 
 and thither the poftilions made fhifc to 
 draw the carriage (lowly, while the com- 
 pany walked a-fuot ; but we found the 
 blacksmith had been dead lome days; 
 and his wife, who. had been lately deli- 
 vered, was deprived of her ienfes, under 
 the care of a nude, hired by the parifh. 
 We were exceedingly mortified at this 
 thfappointment, which, however, was 
 lurmounted by the help of Humphry 
 Clinker, who is a furprifing compound 
 of genius and fimplicity. Finding the 
 tools of the defunct, together with ibme 
 coals in the fmithy, he unfcrewed the 
 damaged iron in a twinkling, and, 
 kindling, a fire, united the broken pkces 
 with equal dexterity and difpatch While 
 he was at work upon this operation, the 
 poor woman in the itraw, ftruck with the 
 well-known found of the hammer and 
 anvil, ftarted up, and, notwithstanding 
 all the nurfe's efforts, came running into 
 the fmithy, where, throwing her arms 
 about Clinker's neck, " Ah, Jacob ! 
 *' (cried me) how could you leave me in 
 " fuch a condition ?" 
 
 This incident was too pathetic to oc-. 
 cafion mirth- it brought tears into the 
 eyes of all prefent. The poor widow was 
 put to bed again ; and we did not leave 
 
 the
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 1-51: 
 
 the village without doing fomething for 
 her benefi: Even Tabitha's charity was 
 awakened on this occafion. As for the 
 tender-hearted Humphry Clinker, he 
 hammered the iron and wept at the fame 
 time But his ingenuity was not confined 
 to his own province of farrier and blach-. 
 fmith It was neceflary to join the lea- 
 ther fling which had been broke ; and 
 this fervice he likewifc performed, by. 
 means of a broken awl, which he new- 
 pointed and ground, a little hemp, 
 which he fpun into lingels, and a few 
 tacks which he made for the purpofe 
 Upon the whole, we were in a condition 
 to proceed in little more than an hour-, 
 but even this delay obliged us to pafs the 
 night at Gifborough Next day we croff- 
 ed the Tees at Stockton, which is a neat 
 agreeable town ; and there we refolved to 
 dine, with purpofe to lie at Durham. 
 
 Whom fhould we meet in the yard, 
 when we alighted, but Martin the adven- 
 turer? Having handed out the ladies, 
 and conducted them into an apartment, 
 where he payed his compliments to Mrs. 
 Tabby, with his ufual addrefs, he beg- 
 ged leave to fpeak to my uncle in another 
 room ; and there, in lome confufion, he 
 made an apology for having taken the 
 H. 4 liberty
 
 1 5 2 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 Lbcrty to trouble him with a letter at 
 Stevenage. He expreffed his hope, that 
 Mr. Bramble had btftowed fbme confider- 
 ation on his unhappy cafe, and repeated 
 his defire of being taken into his fer- 
 vice. 
 
 My uncle, calling me into the room, 
 told him, that we were both very well in- 
 clined to refcue him from a way of life 
 that was equally dangerous and difho- 
 nourable -, and that he mould have no 
 fcruples in trufting to his gratitude and 
 fidelity, if he had any employment for 
 him, which he thought would fuit his 
 qualifications and his circumitances , but 
 that all the departments he had men- 
 tioned in his letter, were filled up by per- 
 ibns of whofe conduct he had no reafon 
 to complain ; of confequence he could 
 not, without injuftice, deprive any one 
 of them of his bread Neverthelefs, he 
 declared himfelf ready to afiift him in 
 any feafible project, cither with his purfe 
 or credit. 
 
 Martin feemed deeply touched at this 
 declaration The tear ftaried in his eye, 
 while he faid, in a faultering accent 
 " Worthy fir your generofity opprefies 
 l me I never dreamed of troubling you 
 " for any pecuniary affiftanct indeed I 
 
 J c have
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 153 
 
 " have no occafion I have been fo lucky 
 " at billiards and betting in different 
 *' places, at Buxton, Harrigate, Scar. 
 " borough, and Newcaftle races, that 
 " my ftock in ready- money amounts to 
 " three hundred pounds, which I would 
 " willingly employ, in profecuting fome 
 " hontrfl fcheme of life ; but my friend, 
 *' juftice Buzzard, has fet fo many 
 " fprings for my life, that I am under 
 " the neceflity of either retiring imme- 
 " diately to a remote part of the coun- 
 " try, where I can enjoy the protection 
 " of fome generous patron, or of qtiit- 
 " ting the kingdom altogether It is 
 " upon this alternative that I now beg 
 " leave to a(k your advice I have had 
 ' information of all your route, fince I 
 " had the honour to fee you at Steven- 
 " age ; and, fuppofing you would come 
 " this way from Scarborough, I came 
 " hither laft night from Darlington, to 
 " pay you my refpects." 
 
 " It would be no difficult matter to 
 ** provide you with an afylum in the 
 " country (replied my uncle)-, but a life 
 " of indolence and obfcurity would not 
 " fuit with your active and enterprizing 
 * dilpofuion^ I would therefore advile 
 ** you to try your fortune in the Eaft Indies 
 H 5 " I
 
 x 5 4 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 ~ I will give you a letter to a friend in 
 " London, who will recommend you to 
 " the direction, for a rotrmiffion in the 
 " company's fervice , and if that cannot 
 *' be obtained, you will at lead be re- 
 " ceived as a volunteer in which cafe, 
 " you may pay for your pafTage, and 1 
 " fhall undertake to procure you fuch 
 " credentials, that you will not be long 
 *' without a commilTion." 
 
 Martin embraced the propofal with 
 great eagernefs ; it was therefore refolv- 
 ed, that he fhould fell his horfe, and 
 take a paflage by lea for London, to ex- 
 ecute the project without delay In the 
 mean time he accompanied us to Dur- 
 ham, where we took up our quarters for 
 the night Here,, being furnifhed with, 
 letters from my uncle, he took his leave 
 of us, with ftrong fymptoms of gratitude 
 and attachment, and fet out for Sunder- 
 land, in order to embark in the firlt col- 
 lier, bound for the river Thames. He 
 had not been gone half an hour, when 
 we were joined by another character, 
 which promiied fomething extraordinary 
 A tall, meagre figure, anfwering, 
 with his horfc, the description of Don 
 Quixote mounted on Rozinante, ap- 
 peared in the twilight at the inn door, 
 
 while
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 155 
 
 while my aunt and Liddy ftood at a win- 
 dow in the dining-room He wore a coat, 
 the cloth of which had once been fear- 
 let, trimmed with Branden burgs, now 
 totally deprived of their metal, and he 
 had holfter-caps and houfing of the fame 
 fluff and fame antiquity. Perceiving ladies 
 at the window above, he endeavoured 
 to difmount with, the mod graceful air 
 he could afifume ; but the odler neglect- 
 ing to hold the ftirrup when he wheeled 
 off his right foot, and ftood with his 
 whole weight on the other, the girth un- 
 fortunately gave way, the faddle turned, 
 down came the cavalier to the ground,, 
 and his hat and perriwig falling off, dif- 
 played a head-piece of various colours, 
 patched and plaiftered in a woeful condi- 
 tion The ladies, at the window above, 
 (hrieked with affright, on the fuppofition 
 that the ftranger had received fome nota- 
 ble damages in his fall; but the greatefl 
 injury he had . fuftained arofe from the 
 dishonour of his defcent, aggravated by 
 the difgrace of expoling the condition of 
 his cranium; for certain plebeians that 
 were about the door, laughed aloud, in 
 the belief that the captain had got either- 
 a fcald head, or a broken head, both 
 equally opprobious. 
 
 H 6 JHe
 
 156 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 He forthwith leaped up in a fury, and 
 fnatching one of his piftols, threatened to 
 put the oilier to death, when another 
 Iquall from the women checked his re- 
 fentmenr. He then bowed to the win- 
 dow, while he kifled the butr-end of his 
 piftol, which he replaced ; adjufted his 
 wig in great confufion, and led his horfe 
 into the (table By this time I had come 
 to the door, and could not help gazing 
 at the ftrange figure that prefented itfett 
 to my view He would have meafured 
 above fix feet in height had he flood 
 upright , but he (looped very much j was 
 very narrow in the fhoulders, and very 
 thick in the calves of his legs, which 
 were cafed in black fpatterdamec As for 
 his thighs, they were long and (lender, 
 like thofe of a grafshopper; his face was, 
 at leaft, half a yard in length, brown *nd 
 fhrivelled, with projecting chtek-bor.e, 
 lit le grey eyes on the greenifh hue, a 
 large hcok-nofe, a pointed chin, a mouth 
 from ear to ear, very ill furn.fhed with 
 teeth, and a high, narrow fore-head, 
 well furrowed with wrinkles. His horfe 
 was exactly in the ftile of its rider; a re- 
 furrtelion of dry bcnes, which (as we 
 afterwards learned) he valued exceeding- 
 ly*
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 157 
 
 ly, as the only prefcnt he had ever receiv- 
 ed in his life. 
 
 Having feen this favourite fteed pro- 
 perly accommodated in the ftable, he 
 fent up his compliments to the ladies, 
 begging permiffion to thank them in per- 
 fon for the marks of concern they had 
 (hewn at his difafter in the court yard- 
 As the 'fquire faid they could not de- 
 cently decline his vifit, he was (hewn up 
 flairs, and paid his refpecls in the Scotch 
 
 dialecl, wiih much formality " Led- 
 
 " dies, (laid he) perhaps ye may be fcan- 
 " daleezed at the appearance my heed 
 " made, when it was uncovered by acci- 
 " dent , but I can alTure you, the con- 
 " dition you faw it in, is neither the ef- 
 44 feels of difeafe, nor of drunkennefs : 
 ' but an honeft fear received in the fer- 
 * vice of my country.'* He then gave 
 us to underftand, that having been 
 wounded at Ticonderoga, in America, a 
 party of Indians rifled him, fcalped him, 
 broke his fcull with the blow of a toma- 
 hawk, and left him for dead on the field 
 of battle; but that being afterwards 
 found with figns of life, he had been 
 cured in the French hofpiral, though the 
 bis of fubftance could not be repaired ; fo- 
 
 that
 
 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 that the fcull was left naked in feveral 
 places, #nd thefe he covered with patches. 
 There is no hold by which an Englifh- 
 man is fooner taken than that of com- 
 pafiion We were immediately interefled 
 in behalf of this veteran Even Tabby's 
 heart was melted ; but cur pity was 
 warmed with indignation, when we learn- 
 ed, that in the courie of two fangcinary 
 wars, he had been wounded, maimed, 
 mutilated, taken, and enflaved, without 
 ever having attained a higher rank than 
 
 that of lieutenant My uncle's eyes 
 
 gleamed, and his nether lip quivered, 
 while he exclaimed, " I vow to God, fir, 
 " your cafe is a reproach to the fervice 
 '* The injuftice you have met with is 
 
 * fo flagrant " " I mud crave 
 
 *' your pardon, fir, (cried the other, in- 
 " terrupting him) I complain of no in- 
 " juftice I purchafed an enfigncy thirty 
 ** years ago j and, in the courfe of fer- 
 " vice, rofe to be a lieutenant, accord- 
 " ing to my feniority " " But in fuch 
 " a length of time, (refumed the Tquire) 
 " you muft have feen a great many 
 " young officers put over your head " 
 " Neverthelefs, (laid he)l have no caufe 
 " to murmur They bought their pre- 
 1* ferment with their money I had no 
 
 " money
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 159 
 
 " money to carry to market that was 
 u my misfortune ; but no body was to 
 " blame" " What ! no friend to ad- 
 " vance a fum of money ?" (laid Mr. 
 Bramble) " Perhaps, I might have bor-, 
 rowed money for the purchafe of a 
 company (anfwered the ether); but 
 that loan muft have been refunded ; 
 and I did not chufe to incumber my- 
 felf with a debt of a thoufand pounds, 
 to be payed from an income of ten 
 (hillings a-day." " So you have fpent 
 the be ft part of your life, (cried Mr. 
 " Bramble) your youth, your blood, and 
 " your conftitution, amidft the dangers, 
 " the difficulties, the horrors and hard- 
 " mips of a war, for the confideration of 
 c three or four (hillings a-day a confi- 
 " deration " " Sir, (replied the Scor, 
 " with great warmth) you are the man 
 * that does me injuftice, if you fay or 
 u think I have been actuated by any 
 
 " fuch paltry confideration 1 am a 
 
 " gentleman ; and entered the fervice as 
 " other gentlemen do, with fuch hopes 
 ' and fentiments as honourable ambition 
 " infpires If I have not been lucky in 
 * the lottery of life, fo neither do I think 
 " myfelf unfortunate I owe to no man a 
 
 " far-
 
 r6o THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 " farthing ; I can always command a 
 " clean fhirt, a mutton-chop, and a truis 
 ** of draw-, and when I die, I mall leave 
 " effects fufficient to defray the expence 
 " of my burial." 
 
 My uncle allured him, he had no in- 
 tention to give him the leaft offence, by 
 the obiervations he had made-, bur, on 
 the contrary, fpoke from a fentiment of 
 friendly regard to his intereft The lieu- 
 tenant thanked him with a ftiffnefs of ci- 
 vility, which nettled our old gentleman, 
 who perceived that his moderation was 
 all affected ; for, whatfoever his tongue 
 might declare, his whole appearance de- 
 noted difiatisfaction In fhort, without 
 pretending to judge of his military merit, 
 I think I may affirm, that this Caledoni- 
 an is a felf-conceited pedant, aukward, 
 rude, and difputacious He has had the 
 benefit of a ichool-education, feems to 
 have read a good number of books, his 
 memory is tenacious, and he pretends 
 to fpcak feveral different languages ; but 
 he is fo addicted to wrangling, that he 
 will cavil at the cleareft truths, and, in 
 the pride of argumentation, artempt to 
 reconcile contradictions Whether his 
 addrefs and qualifications are really of 
 
 that .
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 161 
 
 that (lamp which is agreeable to the tafie 
 of our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, or that inde- 
 fatigable maiden is determined to (hoot 
 at every fort of game, certain it is fhe 
 has begun to praclife upon the heart of 
 the lieutenant, who favoured us with his 
 company to fupper. 
 
 I have many other things to fay of this 
 man of war, which I fliall communicate 
 in a poft or two , mean while, it is but 
 reafonable that you fhould be indulged 
 with fpme refpite from thofe weary lu- 
 cubrations of 
 
 Yours, 
 
 Ncwcatfe apon Tyne, j MELFORD. 
 
 To
 
 1 62 THE EXPEDITION OP 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart, of Jefi* 
 college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR PHILLIPS, 
 
 IN my laft I treated you with a high 
 flavoured diih, in the character of the 
 Scotch lieutenant, and I muft prefent him 
 once more for your entertainment. It 
 was our fortune to feed upon him the 
 belt part of three days ; and 1 do not 
 doubt that he will ftart again in our^vay 
 before we {hall have finifhed our nor- 
 thern excurfjon. The day after our 
 meeting with him at Durham proved fo 
 tempeftuous that we did not choofe to-, 
 proceed on our journey ; and my uncle 
 perfuaded him to ftay tiU the weather 
 fhould clear up, giving him, at the fame 
 time, a general invitation to our mefs. 
 The man has certainly gathered a whole 
 budget of fhrewd obfervations, but he 
 brings them forth in fuch an ungracious 
 manner as would be extremely difgufting,, 
 jf it was not marked by that charac- 
 
 teriflic
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 463 
 
 leriftic oddity which never fails to at- 
 cracl: the attention He and Mr. Bram- 
 ble difcourfed, and even difputed, on dif- 
 ferent fubjects in "war, policy, the belles 
 lettres, law, and metaphyfics ; and ibme- 
 times they were warmed into fuch alter- 
 cation as feemed to threaten an abrupt 
 difiblution of their ibciety j but Mr. 
 Bramble fet a guard over his own iralci- 
 bility, the more vigilantly as the officer 
 was his gudt , and when, in fpite of all 
 his effons, he btgan. to wax warm, the 
 other prudently cooled in the fame pro- 
 portion. 
 
 Mrs. Tabitha chancing to aecoft her 
 brother by the familiar diminutive of 
 Matt, " Pray, fir, (faid the lieutenant) 
 " is your name Matthias ?" You mutt 
 know it is one of our uncle's foibles to 
 be afhamed of his name Matthew, be- 
 caufe it is puritanical j and this queftion 
 chagrined him fo much, that he anfwered, 
 " No, by G d !" in a very abrupt 
 tone of difpleafure. The Scot took uin- 
 bra^e at the manner of his reply, and 
 bridling- up, If I had known (laid he) 
 " that you did not care to tell your name, 
 " I fhould not have afked the queftion 
 " The Icddy called you Matt, and I na- 
 *' turally thought it was Matthias:- 
 
 " pei-
 
 1*4 T HE EXPEDITION cr 
 " perhaps, it may be Methufelah, or 
 ' Metrodorus, or Metellus, or Mathu- 
 " dnus, or Malthinnus, or Matamorus, 
 
 ^ or " No, (cried my uncle 
 
 ' laughing) it is neither of thofe, captain: 
 11 my name is Matthew Bramble, at 
 " your fervice. The truth is, I have a 
 " foolifh pique at the name of Matthew, 
 14 becaufe it favours of thofe canting hy- 
 " pocrites, who, in Cromwell's time, 
 " chriftened all their children by names 
 " taken from the fcripture." " Afoolifh 
 " pique indeed, (cried Mrs. Tabby) and 
 " even finful, to fall out with your name 
 " becaufe it is taken from holy writ. 
 " I would have you to know, you was 
 " called after great-uncle Matthew ap 
 " Madoc ap Meredith, efquire, of Llan- 
 " wyfthin, in Montgomeryfhire, juftice 
 ** of the qiioritW) and crufty ruttleorum^ a 
 " gendeman of great worth and property, 
 *' defcended in a ftrait line, by the fe- 
 " male fide, froai Llewellyn, prince of 
 " Wales." 
 
 This genealogical anecdote feemed to 
 make fome impreffion upon the Norrh- 
 Briton, who bowed very low to the de- 
 fcendants of Llewellyn, and obferved that 
 he hin-.felf had the honour of a fcriptural 
 nomination. The lady expreiling a de- 
 fire
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 165 
 
 fire of knowing his addrefs, he faid, he 
 defigned himfelf Lieutenant Obadiah 
 Lifmahago , and in order to aflift her 
 memory, he prefented her vvitli a flip of 
 paper infcribed with thefe three words, 
 which me repeated with great emphafis, 
 declaring, it was one of the moft noble 
 and fonorotis names fhe had ever heard, 
 He obferved that ObaJiah was an adven- 
 titious appellation, derived from his 
 great-grandfather, who had been one of 
 the original covenanters ; but Lifmafyago 
 was the family furnarre, taken frjtfm a 
 place in Scotland fo called. He likewife 
 dropped fome hints about the antiquity 
 of his pedigree, adding, with a fmile of 
 felf-denial, $ed g:nus et proavos, et qitx 
 Tion fccimus ?/y, i'ix ea noftra veto, which 
 quotation he explained in deference to the 
 ladies-, and Mrs. TabiJia did not fail to 
 compliment him on his modefty in wav- 
 ing the merit of his anceflry, adding, 
 that it was the lefs neceflary to him, as he 
 had fuch a confiderable fund of his own. 
 She now began to glew herfelf to his fa- 
 vour with the groflert adulation. She 
 expatiated upon the antiquity and virtues 
 of the Seottim nation, upon their valour, 
 probity, learning, and politenefs. She 
 even dclcended to encomiums on his own 
 
 per-
 
 166 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 perfonal addrefs, his gallantry, good fenfe, 
 and erudition. She appealed to her bro- 
 ther, whether the captain was not the 
 very image of our coufm governor Giif- 
 fkh. She difcovcred a lurprifing eager- 
 nefs to know the particulars of his life, 
 and afked a thoufand queftions concern- 
 ing his achievements in war; all which 
 Mr. Lifmahago anfwered with a fort of 
 jefuitical referve, affecting a reluctance to 
 fatisfy her curiofity on aTubject that con- 
 cerned his own exploits. 
 
 By dint of her interrogations, however, 
 we learned, that he and enfign Murphy 
 had made their efcape from the French 
 hoipital at Montreal, and taken to the 
 woods, in hope of reaching fome Englifh 
 fettlement; but miftaking thtir route, 
 they fell in with a party of Miami?, who 
 carried them away in captivity. The in- 
 tention of thefe Indians was to give one 
 of them as an adopted fon to a venerable 
 fachem, who had loft his own in the 
 courfc of the war, and to iacrifice the 
 other according to the cuftom of the 
 country. Murphy, as being the younger 
 and handfomer of the two, was defigned 
 to fill the place of the deceafed, not only 
 as the fon of the fachem, but as the 
 tpoufe of a beautiful fquaw, to whom his 
 
 pre-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 167 
 
 predcceffor had been betrothed -, but in 
 patting through the different whig'whams 
 or villages of the Miamis, poor Murphy 
 was Ib mangled by the women and chil- 
 dren, who have the privilege of torturing 
 all prifoners in their palTage, that, by the 
 time they arrived at the place of the fa- 
 chem's refidence, he was rendered altoge- 
 ther unfit for the purpofes of marriage : 
 it was determined therefore, in the afiem- 
 bly of the warriors, that enfign Murphy 
 mould be brought to the flake, and that 
 the lady mould be given to lieutenant 
 Lifmdhago, who had % likewife received 
 his lhare of torments, though they had 
 not produced emafculadon. A joint of 
 one finger had been cut, or rather fawed 
 off with a rufty knife , one of his great 
 toes was crufhed into a mafli betwixt two 
 Hones ; fome of his teeth were drawn, or 
 dug out with a crooked nail-, fplintered 
 reeds had been thruft up his nolkils and 
 other tender parts ; and the calves of his 
 legs had been blown up with mines of 
 gunpowder dug in the fldh with the (harp 
 point of the tomahawk. 
 
 The Indians themfclves allowed that 
 Murphy died with great heroilm, finging, 
 as his death fong, the Drimmendoo, in 
 concert with Mr. Lifmahago, who was 
 
 pre-
 
 i63 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 prefent at the folemnity. After the war- 
 riors and the matrons had made a hearty 
 meal upon the mufcular flefti which they 
 pared from the vic~ti,n, and had applied a 
 great variety of tortures, which he bore 
 without flinching, an old lady, with a 
 {harp knife, fcooped out one of his eyes, 
 and put a burning coal in the focket. 
 The pain of this operation was fo exqui- 
 fite that he could not help bellowing, 
 upon which the audience raifed a fhout of. 
 exultation, and one of the warriors fteal- 
 ing behind him, gave him the coup de 
 grace with a hatchet. 
 
 Lifmahago's bride, the fquaw Squin- 
 kinacoofta, diflingui(hed herlelf on this 
 
 occafion. She (hewed a great fupe- 
 
 riority of genius in the tortures which 
 (he contrived and executed with her own 
 hands. She vied with the ftouteft war- 
 rior in eating the flelh of the facrifice ; 
 and after all the other females were fud- 
 dled with dram-drinking, fhe was not fo 
 intoxicated but that (he was able to play 
 the game of the platter with the conjur- 
 ing fachem, and afterwards go through 
 the ceremony of her own wedding, which 
 was confummated that fame evening. 
 The captain had lived very happily 
 with this accomplifhed iquaw for two 
 
 years,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. i6 9 
 
 years, during which fhe bore him a fon, 
 \vho is now the reprefcntative of his mo- 
 ther's tribe; but, at length, to his un- 
 ipeakabie grief, fhe had died of a fever, 
 occafioned by eating too much raw bear, 
 which they had killed in a hunting ex- 
 curfion. 
 
 By this time, Mr. Lifmahngo was 
 elected fachem, acknowledged firit war- 
 rior of the Badger tribe, and dignified 
 with the name or epithet of Occacanaftao- 
 garora, which fignifies nimble as a wea- 
 jel\ but all thefe advantag s and honours 
 he was ob iged to refign, in confcquence 
 of being exchanged for the orator of the 
 community, who had been taken priioner 
 by the Indians that wtre in alliance with 
 the Englilh. At the peace, he had fold 
 out upon half pay, and was returned to 
 Britain, with a view to pafs the reft of 
 his life in his own country, where he 
 hoped to find fome retreat where his fUn- 
 der finances would afford him a decent 
 fubfiftance. Such are the out- lines of 
 Mr. Lifmahago's hiilory, to which i'a- 
 bitha did lerioujly incine her ear \ indeed, 
 fhe feemed to be taken with the fanvj 
 charms that captivated the heart of Dei- 
 demona, who lovtd the Moor/0/ the dan- 
 gers be bad paft. 
 
 VOL, II. I The
 
 170 THE EXPEDITIOiN OF 
 
 The defcription of poor Murphy's fuf- 
 ferings, which threw my lifter Liddy into 
 a fwoon, extra(5ted fome fighs from the 
 breail of Mrs. Tabby : when fhe under- 
 Hood he had been rendered unfit for mar- 
 riage, fhe began to fpit, and ejaculated, 
 " Jefus, what crual barbarians ?" and fhe 
 made wry faces at the lady's nuptial re- 
 paft; but fhe was eagerly curious to 
 know the particulars of her marriage- 
 drefs -, whether fne wore high-breaft- 
 ed flays or bodice, a robe of filk or 
 velvet, and laces of Mechlin or minio- 
 nette (he fuppofed, as they were con- 
 nected with the French, fhe ufed rouge, 
 and had her hair drefied in the Parifian 
 falhion. The captain would have de- 
 clined giving a catagorical explanation of 
 all thefe particulars, obferving, in gene- 
 ral, that the Indians were too tenacious 
 of their own cuftoms to adopt the modes 
 of any nation whatfoever : he faid, more- 
 over, that neither the fimplicity of their 
 manners nor the commerce of their coun- 
 try, would admit of thofe articles of lux- 
 ury which are deemed magnificence in Eu- 
 rope , and that they were too virtuous 
 and fenfible to encourage the introduction 
 of any fafhion which might help to render 
 them corrupt and effeminate. 
 
 Thefe
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 171 
 
 Thefe obfervations ferved only to in- 
 flame her defire of knowing the particu- 
 lars about which (he had enquired ; and, 
 with all his evafion, he could not help 
 difcovering the following circumftances 
 that his princefs had neither Ihoes, (lock- 
 ings, fhift not any kind of linen that 
 her bridal drefs confided of a petticoat of 
 red bays, and a fringed blanket, fattened 
 about her fhoulders with a copper fkcwer , 
 but of ornaments (he had great plenty. 
 tier hair was curioufly plaited, and inter- 
 woven with bobbins of human bone one 
 eye-lid was painted green, and the other 
 yellow ; the cheeks were blue, the Jips 
 white, the teeth red, and there was a 
 black lift drawn down the middle of the 
 forehead as far as the tip of the nofe a 
 couple of gaudy parrot's feathers were 
 ftuck through the divifion of the nodrils 
 there was a blue (lone fet in the chin 
 her ear-rings confided of two pieces of 
 hickery, of the fize and fhape of drum- 
 flicks her arms and legs were adorned 
 with bracelets of wampum her bread glit- 
 tered with numerous ftrings of glafs b.ads 
 (he wore a curious pouch, or pocket 
 of woven grafs, elegantly painted with 
 
 various colours about her neck was 
 
 hung the frefh fcalp of a Mohawk war- 
 I 2 rior,
 
 I 7 2 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 rior, whom her deceafcd lover had lately 
 flain in battle and, finally, fhe was 
 anointed from head to foot with bear's 
 greaie, which fent forth a moil agreeable 
 odour. 
 
 One would imagine that thefe para- 
 phernalia would not have been much ad- 
 mired by a modern fine lady ; but Mrs. 
 Tabitha was refolved to approve of all 
 
 the captain's connexions. She willed, 
 
 indeed, the Iquaw had been better pro- 
 vided with linen , but me owned there 
 was much tafte and fancy in her orna- 
 ments ; fhe made no doubt, therefore, 
 that madam Squinkinacoofta was a young 
 lady of good fenfe and rare accomplifh- 
 mems, and a good chriftian at bottom. 
 Then fhe afked whether his confort had 
 btcn high-church or low-chinch, prefby- 
 terian or anabapiift, or had been favour- 
 ed wiih any glimmering of the new light 
 of the golpeT? When he confelTed that 
 fhe and her whole nation were utter ftran- 
 gcrrs to the chriftian faith, fhe gazed at 
 him with figns of aftonifhment, and Hum- 
 phry Clinker, who chanced to be in the 
 room, uttered a hollow groan. 
 
 After Ibme paufr, "In the name of 
 " God, captain Lifmahago, (cried fhe) 
 *' what religion do they profcfs ?', " As 
 
 41 to
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 173 
 
 " -to religion, madam, (anfwered the 
 '* -lieutenant) it is among thole Indians a 
 " matter of great fimplicity they never 
 " heard of any Alliance between Church and 
 " State. They, in general, worfhip two 
 "' contending principles ; one the Foun- 
 " tain of all Good, the other the fource 
 " of all evil. The common people there, 
 " as in other countries, rim into the ab- 
 " furdities of fuperftition ; but fenfible 
 " men pay adoration to a Supreme Being, 
 " who created and fuftains the univerfe." 
 " O ! what pity, (exclaimed the pious 
 " Tabby) that fome holy man has noc 
 " been infpired to go and convert thefe 
 " poor heathens !" 
 
 The lieutenant told her, that while he 
 refided among them, two French miflio- 
 naries arrived, in order to convert them 
 to the catholic religion ; but when they 
 talked of myfteries and revelations, which 
 they could neither explain nor authenti- 
 cate, and called in the evidence of mira- 
 cles which they believed upon hearfay i 
 when they taught that the Supreme 
 Creator of Heaven and Earth had allow- 
 ed his only Son, his own equal in power 
 and glory, to enter the bowels of a wo- 
 man, to be born as a human creature, 
 to be infuked, flagellated, and even exe- 
 
 cuced
 
 174 THE EX PEDITION OK 
 
 cuted as a male r aclor , when they pre- 
 tended to creace God himfelf, to fwallow, 
 digeft, revive, and rnultily him ad infi- 
 nitumy by the help of a little flour and 
 water, the Indians were fhocked at the im- 
 piety of their prefumption. They were 
 examined by the afiembly of the fachems, 
 who defired them to prove the divinity 
 of their million by Ibme miracle. They 
 anfwered, that it was not in their power. 
 
 " If you were really fent by Heaven 
 
 " for our converfion, (faid one of the 
 tl fachems) you would certainly have 
 " fome fupernatural endowments, at lead 
 " you would have the gift of tongues, in 
 44 order to explain your doctrine to the 
 " different nations among which you are 
 " employed ; but you are fo ignorant of 
 * 4 our language, that you cannot exprefs 
 " yourfelves even on the moil trifling 
 41 fubjects." 
 
 In a word, the aflembly were convinced 
 of their being cheats, and even fufpected 
 them of being fpies : they ordered them 
 a bag of Indian corn a piece, and ap- 
 pointed a guide to conduct them to the 
 frontiers ; but the mifllonaries having 
 more zeal than difcretion, refufed to quit 
 
 the vineyard. They perfifted in faying 
 
 mafs, in preaching, baptizing, and fquab- 
 
 bling
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, 175 
 
 bling with the conjurers, or priefts of the 
 country, till they had thrown the whole 
 community into confufion. Then the 
 aflembly proceeded to try them as im- 
 pious importers, who reprefented the Al- 
 mighly as a trifling, weak, capricious be- 
 ing, and pretended to make, unmake, 
 and reproduce him at pleafure ; they were, 
 therefore, convicted of blafphemy and fe- 
 dition, and condemned to the (lake, where 
 they died Tinging bafoe regina^ in a rapture 
 of joy, for the crown of martyrdom which 
 they had thus obtained. 
 
 In the courfe of this converfation, lieu- 
 tenant Lifmahago dropt fome hints by 
 which it appeared he himfelf was a free- 
 thinker. Our aunt feemed to be flartled 
 at certain farcafms he threw out againft 
 the creed of faint Athanafius He dwelt 
 much upon the words, reafon, fbilofopby % 
 and coniradiftion in terms he bid defiance 
 to the eternity of heil-6re; and even 
 threw fuch fquibs at the immortality of 
 the foul, as finged a little the whifkers of 
 Mrs. Tabitha's faith ; for, by this time 
 Ihe began to look upon Lifmahago as a 
 
 prodigy of learning and fagacity. In 
 
 fliort, he could be no longer infenfible to 
 the advances me made towards his affec- 
 tion ; and although there was fomething 
 I 4 re-
 
 i;0 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 repulfive in his nature, he overcame it fo 
 far as to make ibme return to her civilities. 
 Perhaps, he thought it would be no bad 
 fcheme, in a fuperannuated lieutenant 
 on half-pay, to ef!t6l a conjunction with 
 an old maid, who, in all probability, had 
 fortune enough to keep him eaiy and 
 comfoi table in the fag-end of his days 
 An ogling correfpondence forthwith com- 
 menced between this amiable pair of ori- 
 ginals He began to fweeten the natural 
 acidity of his dilcourfe with the treacle of 
 
 compliment and commendation He 
 
 from time to time offered her fnuff, of 
 which he himfelf took great quantities, 
 and even made her a prelent of a purfe of 
 filk grafs, woven by the hands of the 
 amiable Squinkinacoofta, who had ufed 
 it as a (hot-pouch in her hunting-expedi- 
 tion?. 
 
 From Doncafter northwards, all the 
 windows of all the inns are fcrawltd with 
 doggrel rhimes, in abufe of the Scotch 
 ration ; and what furprifed me very 
 much, I did not perceive one line written 
 in the way of recriminaticn Curious to 
 hear what Lifmahago would fay on this 
 fubject, I pointed out to him a very fcur- 
 rilous epigram againft his countrymen, 
 which was engraved on one of the win, 
 
 dows
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 177 
 
 dows of the parlour where we far. He 
 read it with the molt ftarched compofure ; 
 and when I afked his opinion of the poe- 
 try, " It is vara terfe and vara poignant; 
 " (faid he) but with the help of a wat 
 " difli-clout, it might be rendered more 
 " clear and parfpicous I marvel much 
 " that fome modern wit has not publifh- 
 " ed a collection of thefe effays under 
 " the title of the Glazier's Triumph over 
 " Sawney the Scot I'm perfuaded it 
 " would be a vara agreeable offering to 
 44 the patriots of London and Weflmin- 
 44 fter." When I expreffed fome fur- 
 prize that the natives of Scotland, who 
 travel this way, had not broke all the 
 windows upon the road, " With fubmif- 
 " fion, (replied the lieutenant) that were 
 44 but mallow policy it would only ferve 
 " to make the fatire more cutting and 
 ' fevere ; and I think it is much better 
 44 to let it ftand in the window, than 
 " have it prefented in the reckoning." 
 My uncle's jaws began to quiver with 
 
 indignation. He faid, the fcribblers 
 
 of fuch infamous fluff deferved to be 
 fcourged at the cart's tail for difgracing 
 their country with fuch monuments of 
 malice and ftupidity. " Thefe vermin 
 44 (faid he) do not coniider, that they are 
 I 5 " af-
 
 178 TEE EXPEDITIOF or 
 
 " affording their fellow fubjecls, whoitfc 
 " they abufe, continual matter of felf- 
 " gratulation,. as well, as the means of ex- 
 " ecuting the mod manly vengeance that 
 " can be taken for fuch low, illiberal at 
 " tacks, For my part, I admire the 
 philofophic forbearance of the Scots, 
 as much as I defpife the infolence of 
 thofe wretched libellers, which is akin 
 to the arrogance of the village ccck, 
 who never crows but upon his own. 
 dunghill." The captain, with an af- 
 fectation of candour, obferved, that men 
 of illiberal minds were produced in every 
 foil; that in fuppofing thole were the 
 fentiments of the Englifh in general, he 
 mould pay too great a compliment to his 
 own country, which was not of confe- 
 quence enough to attract: the envy of fuch 
 a flourifhing and powerful people. 
 
 Mrs. Tabby broke forth again in praife 
 of his moderation, and declared that 
 Scotland was the foil which produced trve- 
 ry virtue under heaven. When Lifma- 
 hago took his leave for the night, fhe afk- 
 cd her brother if the captain was not the 
 prettied gentleman he had ever feen ; and 
 whether there was not fomething wonder- 
 fully engaging in his afpect ? Mr. Bram- 
 ble having eyed her lometime in filence, 
 
 " Sifter,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 179 
 
 ' Sifter, ({"aid he) the lieutenant is, for 
 *' aught I know, an honeft man and a 
 *' good officer he has a confiderable 
 '* mare of underftanding, and a title to 
 '' more encouragement than he feems to 
 '* have met with in life ; but I cannot, 
 <e with a fafe confcience, affirm, that he 
 *' is the prettieft gentlemen I ever faw j 
 tl neither can I defcern any engaging 
 tf charm in his countenance, which, I vow 
 '* to Gad, is, on the contrary, very hard 
 " favoured and forbidding." 
 
 1 have endeavoured to ingratiate my- 
 felf with this North-Briton, who is really 
 a curiofity ; but he has been very my of 
 my converfation ever fince I laughed at 
 his aflerting that the Englifh tongue was 
 fpoke with more propriety at Edinburgh 
 than at London. Looking at me with a. 
 double fqueeze of fouring in his afpecl, 
 " If the old definition be true, (faid he) 
 " that rifibility is the diftinguifhing cha- 
 " radleriftic of a rational creature, the 
 ' Englifh are the mod diftinguifhed for 
 " rationality of any people I ever knew." 
 I owned, that the Englifh were eafily 
 ftruck with any thing that appeared ludi-- 
 crous, and apt to laugh accordingly , but: 
 it did not follow, that, becaule they were 
 more given to laughter, they had more 
 I 6 re*-
 
 180 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 rationality than their neighbours: I faid, 
 fuch an inference would be an injury to 
 the Scots, who were by no means c"efec- 
 tive in rationality, though generally fup- 
 pofed little fubject to the impreflions of 
 humour. 
 
 The captain anfwered, that this fuppo- 
 fition muft have been deduced either from 
 their converfation or their compofitions, 
 of which the jingliih could not poflibly 
 judge with precifion, as they did not un- 
 derftand the dialect ufed by the Scots in 
 common difcourfe, as well as in their 
 works of humour. When I defired to 
 know what thofe works of humour were, 
 he mentioned a confiderable number of 
 pieces, which he infifted were equal in 
 point of humour to any thing extant in 
 
 any language dead or living He, in 
 
 particular, recommended a collection of 
 detached poems, in two fmall volumes, 
 intituled, "I be Ever-green, and the works 
 of Allan Ram fay, which I intend to pro- 
 vide myfelf with at Edinburgh. He ob- 
 ftrved, that a North-Briton is feen to adif- 
 advantage in an Engliih company, becaufe 
 he fpeaks in a dialect that they can't relilh, 
 and in a phrafeo^gy which they don't un- 
 derrtand. He therefore finds himfdf un- 
 der a restraint, which is a great enemy to 
 
 wit
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 181 
 
 wit and humour. Thefe are faculties 
 which never appear in full luftre, but 
 when the mind is perfectly at cafe, and, 
 as an excellent writer fays, enjoys her 
 elbow room. 
 
 He proceeded to explain his afiertton 
 that the Englim language was fpoken with 
 greater propriety at Edinburgh than in 
 .London. He faid, what we generally 
 called the Scottifli dialect was, in fact, 
 true, genuine old Englim, with a mixture 
 of fome French terms and idioms, adopt- 
 ed in a long intercourfe betwixt the 
 French and Scotch nations -, that the mo- 
 dern Engliih, from affeiflation and falfe 
 refinement, had weakened, and even cor- 
 rupted their language, by throwing out 
 the guttural founds, altering the pronun- 
 ciation and the quantity, and difufing 
 many words and terms of great fignifi- 
 cance. In confequence of thefe innova- 
 tions, the works of our beft poets, luch as 
 Chaucer, Spenfer, and even Shakefpeare, 
 were become, in many parts, unintelligible 
 to the natives of South Britain, whereas 
 the Scots, who retain the antient lan- 
 guage, underlhnd them without the help 
 of a glofiary. " For inftance, (faid he) 
 '* how have your commentators been 
 ?' puzzled by the following expreffion in 
 
 " the
 
 i82 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 " theTempe/i He's gentle, and not fearful; 
 " as if it was a paralogifm to fay, that 
 ** being gentle, he muft of courfe be cou- 
 ** rageous: but the truth is, one of the 
 " original meanings, if not the fole mean- 
 " ing, of that word was, noble, higb- 
 " minded; and to this day, a Scotch wo- 
 " man, in the fituation of the young lady 
 *' in the Temped, would exprels herfelf 
 " nearly in the fame terms Don't pro- 
 ** voke him ; for being gentle, that is, 
 " high-fymted, he won't tamely bear an 
 " infult. Spenfcr, in the very firft ftanza 
 * of his Fairy Queen % fays, 
 
 " A gentle knight was pricking on the plain ;" 
 
 *' which knight, far from being tame and 
 " fearful, was fo ftout that 
 
 *' Nothing did he dread, but ever was ydrad.'* 
 
 To prove that we had impaired the 
 energy of our language by falfe refine- 
 ment, he mentioned the following words, 
 which, though widely different in fignifi- 
 cation, are pronounced exactly in the 
 fame manner wright, write, right, rite-, 
 but among the Scots, thefe words are as 
 different in pronunciation, as they are in 
 meaning and orthography, and this is the 
 cafe with many others which he mention- 
 ed
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, igj 
 
 ed by way of illuftration. He, more- 
 over, took notice, that we had (for what 
 reafon he could never learn) altered the 
 found of our vowels from that which is 
 retained by all the nations in Europe ; an 
 alteration which rendered the language 
 extremely difficult to foreigners, and 
 made it almoft impracticable to lay 
 down general rules for orthography and 
 pronunciation. Befides, the vowels were 
 no longer fimple founds in the mouth of 
 an Englifhman, who pronounced both * 
 and u as dipthongs. Finally, he affirmed, 
 that we mumbled our fpeech with our 
 lips and teeth, and ran the words toge- 
 ther without paufe ordiftin&ion, in fuch a 
 manner, that a foreigner, though he un 
 derftood Englifh tolerably well, was often 
 obliged to have recourfe to a Scotchman 
 to explain what a native of England had 
 faid in his own language. 
 
 The truth of this remark was confirmed 
 by Mr. Bramble from his own experi- 
 ence ; but he accounted for it on another 
 principle. He faid, the fame obferva- 
 tion would hold in all languages ; that a 
 Swils talking French was more eafily un- 
 derftood than a Parifian, by a foreigner 
 who had not made himfelf matter of the 
 language; becaule every language had 
 
 its
 
 184 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 x 
 
 its peculiar recitative, and it would always 
 require more pains, attention, and practice, 
 to acquire both the words and the mufic, 
 than to learn the words only ; and yet no 
 body would deny, that the one was im- 
 perfect without the other: he therefore 
 apprehended, that the Scotchman and the 
 Swifs were better underftood by learners, 
 becaufe they fpoke the words only, with- 
 out the mufic, which they could not re- 
 hearfe. One would imagine this check 
 might have damped the North Briton ; 
 buc it ferved only to agitate his humour 
 
 for difputation. He faid, if every 
 
 nation had its own recitative or mufic, 
 the Scots had theirs, and the Scotchman 
 who had not yet acquired the cadence of 
 the Englifh, would naturally ufe his own 
 in fpeaking their language j therefore, if 
 he was better underftood than the native, 
 his recitative muft be more intelligible 
 than that of the Engliflv, of o;nfequence, 
 the dialect of the Scots h.'.d an advantage 
 over that of their fellow-fubjecb, and 
 this was another ftrong prtfumption that 
 the modern Engl-fh had corrupted their 
 language in the article of pronunciation. 
 
 1 he lieutenant was, by this time, be- 
 come fo polemical, that every time he 
 opened his mouth out flew a paradox, 
 
 which
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 185 
 
 which he maintained with all the enthufi- 
 afm of altercation j but all his paradoxes 
 favoured itrong of a partiality for his own 
 country. He undertook to prove that 
 poverty was a bleffing to a nation ; that 
 oatmeal was preferable to wheat-four; and 
 that the wodhip of Cloacina, in temples 
 which admitted both fexes, and every 
 rank of votaries promifcuoufly, was a filthy 
 fpecies of idolatry that outraged every 
 idea of delicacy and decorum. I did not 
 ib much wonder at his broaching thefe 
 doctrines, as at the arguments, equally 
 whimfical and ingenious, which he addu- 
 ced in fupport of them. 
 
 In fine, lieutenant Lifmahago is a cu- 
 riofity which I have not yet fufficiently 
 perufed ; and therefore I fhall be forry 
 when we lofe his company, though, God 
 knows, there is nothing very amiable in 
 his manner or difpofition. As he goes 
 directly to the fouth-welt divifion of 
 Scotland, and we proceed in the road to 
 Berwick, we fhall part to-morrow at a 
 place called Felton-bridge ; and, I dare 
 fay, this feparation will be very grievous 
 to our aunt Mrs. Tabitha, unleis fhe has 
 received fome flattering alTurance of his 
 meeting her again. If I fail in my pur- 
 pofe of entertaining you with thefe un- 
 
 im-
 
 j86 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 important occurrences, they will at leaft 
 lerve as exercifes of patience, for which 
 you are indebted to 
 
 Yours always,. 
 Morpeth, July 13. J. MELFOSD, 
 
 To Dr. LEWIS, 
 
 DEAR DOCTOR, 
 
 I HAVE now reached the northern 
 extremity of England, and fee, clofe to 
 my chamber-window, the Tweed gliding 
 through the arches of that bridge which 
 connects this fuburb to the town of Ber- 
 wick. ^Yorkfhire you have feen, and 
 therefore I (hall fay nothing of that opu- 
 lent province. The city of Durham ap- 
 pears like a confufed heap of ftones and 
 brick, accumulated fo as to cover a 
 mountain, round which a river winds its 
 brawling courfe. The ftreets are gene- 
 narrow,, dark, and unpleafant, and 
 
 many
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. iS 7 
 
 many of them almoft impaffible in confc- 
 quence of their declivity. The cathedral 
 is a huge gloomy pile; but the clergy are 
 well lodged. The bifhop Jives in a 
 princely manner the golden prebends 
 keep plentiful tables and, I am told, 
 there is Ibme good fociable company in 
 the place; but the country, when viewed 
 from the top of Gatefhead-Fell, which 
 extends to Newcaftle, exhibits the higheft 
 fcene of cultivation that ever I beheld. 
 As for Newcaftle, it lies nioftly in a bot- 
 tom, on the banks of the Tyne, and 
 makes an appearance ftill more difagree- 
 able than that of Durham ; but it is ren- 
 dered populous and rich by induftry and 
 commerce; and the country lying on both 
 fides the river, above the town, yields a 
 delightful profpect of agriculture and 
 plantation. Morpeth and Alnwick are 
 neat, pretty towns, and this lad is fa- 
 mous for the caftle which has belonged fo 
 many ages to the noble houfe of Piercy, 
 earls of Northumberland. It is, doubt- 
 lefs, a large edifice, containing a great 
 number of apartments, and flands in a 
 commanding fituation ; but the ftrength 
 of it feems to have confided not fo much 
 in its fite, or the manner in which it is for- 
 tified, as in the valour of its defendants. 
 
 Our
 
 188 THIS EXPEDITION or 
 
 Our adventures fince we left Scarbo- 
 rough, are fcarce worth reciting; and yes 
 I mud make you acquainted with my 
 fitter Tabby's progrefs in hufband-hunting, 
 after her difappointmer.ts at Baih and 
 London. She had actually begun to 
 practife upon a certain adventurer, who 
 was in fact a highwayman by profcfiion -, 
 but he had been ufed to (hares much more 
 "dangerous than any fhe could lay, and 
 efcaped accordingly. Then flic opened 
 her batteries upon an old weather-beaten 
 Scotch lieutenant, called JJfmahago, v;ho 
 joined us at Durham, and is, I think, 
 one of the mod fingular perfonages I ever 
 encountered- His manner is as harfh as 
 his countenance; buc his peculiar turn of 
 thinking, and his pack of knowledge 
 made up of the remnants of rarities, ren- 
 dered his converfation defirable, in fpite 
 of his pedantry and ungracious addrefs. 
 I have often met with a crab-apple in a 
 hedge, which I have been tempted to eat 
 for its flavour, even while I was difguft- 
 ed by its aullerity. The fpirit of con- 
 tradiction is naturally fo ftrong in Lifma- 
 hago, that I believe in my confcience he 
 has rummaged, and read, and ftudied 
 with indefatigable attention, in order to 
 qualify himielf to refute eftablifhed max- 
 ims,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 189 
 
 ims and thus raife trophies for the grati- 
 fication of polemical pride Such is the 
 afperity of his felf-conceit, that he will 
 not even acquitfce in a tranfient compli- 
 ment made to his own individual in parti- 
 cular, or to his country in general. 
 
 When I obferved, that he muft have 
 read a vaft number of books to be able to 
 difcourfe on fuch a variety of fubjecls, 
 he declared he had read little or nothing, 
 and afked how he fhould find books 
 among the woods of America, where he 
 had fpent the greateft part of his life. My 
 nephew remarking that the Scots in ge- 
 neral were famous for their learning, he 
 denied the imputation, and defied him to 
 prove it from their works '* The Scots 
 " (faid he) have a flight tinclure of let- 
 " ters, with which they make a parade 
 *' among peorle who are more illiterate 
 " than themfelves , but they may be faid 
 " to float on the furface of fcience, and 
 " they have made very fmall advances 
 " in the ufeful arts." " At lead, (cried 
 ** Tabby all the world allows that the 
 " Scots bthavtd glorioufly in fighting 
 " and conquering the favages of Ameri- 
 " ca.'* " I can aflbre you, madam, you 
 *' have been mifmformed , ^ replied the 
 " lieutenant in that continent the Scots 
 
 ' did
 
 i 9 o THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 *' did nothing more than their duty, nor 
 " was there one corps in his mayfly's fer- 
 <c vice that diftinguifhed it felf more than 
 " another. Thofe who affedted to extol 
 " the Scots for fuperior merit, were no 
 " friends to that nation," 
 
 Though he himfelf made free, with his 
 countrymen, he would not fuffer any 
 other perfon to glance a farcafm at them 
 with impunity. One of the company 
 chancing to mention lord B- 's inglo- 
 rious peace, the lieutenant immediately 
 took up the cudgels in his lordfhip's fa- 
 vour, and argued very ftrenoufly to 
 prove that it was the moft honourable 
 and advantageous peace that England 
 had ever made fince the foundation of the 
 monarchy. Nay, between friends, he of- 
 fered fuch reafons on this fubjecl, that I 
 was really confounded, if not convinced. 
 He would not allow that the Scots 
 abounded above their proportion in the 
 army and navy of Great-Brtain, or that 
 the Englifh had any reafon to fay his 
 countrymen had met with extraordinary 
 encouragement in the fervice. " When 
 44 a South and North- Briton (faid he) are 
 41 competitors for a place or commflion, 
 " which is in the dilpofal of an Englifh 
 " m inifter or an Englilh general, it would 
 
 " be
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 191 
 
 " be abfurd to fuppofe that the prefe- 
 " rence will not be given to the native 
 " of England, who has fo many advan- 
 " tages over his rival. ~-Firfl and fore- 
 tc moll, he has in his favour that laudable 
 " partiality, which, Mr. Addifon fays, 
 " never fails to cleave to the heart of an 
 44 Englifhman ; fecondly, he has more 
 * l powerful connexions, and a greater 
 44 fhare of parliamentry intertft, by 
 44 which thofe contefts are generally cle- 
 44 cided ; and laftly, he has a greater 
 41 command of money to fmooth the way 
 44 to hisfuccels. For my own part, (faid 
 " he) I know no Scotch officer, who has 
 44 r.fen in the army above the rank of a 
 44 fubaltrrn, without purchafing every de- 
 44 gree of preferment either with money 
 14 or recruits ; but I know many gentle- 
 44 men of that country, who, for want of 
 44 money and intereft, have grown grey 
 44 in the rank of leutenants ; whereas 
 * 4 very few inftances of this ill-fortune 
 44 are to be found among the natives of 
 44 South-Britain. Not that I would in-" 
 4C finuate that my countrymen have the 
 *' leaft reafon to complain. Preferment 
 " in the fervice, like fuccels in any other 
 " branch of traffic, will -naturally favour 
 44 thofe who have the greateft flock of 
 
 " cafh
 
 192 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 *' cam and credit, merit and capacity be- 
 " ing fuppofed equal on all fide-.'* 
 
 But the mod hardy of a 1 ! this original's 
 pofitions were thefe: That commerce 
 would, fooner or later, prove the ruin of 
 every nation, where it flourifhes to any ex- 
 tent that the parliament was the rotten 
 part of the Britifh conftitution that the 
 liberty of the prefs was a national evil 
 and that the boafted inftitution of jurits, 
 as managed in England, was productive 
 of fhameful perjury and flagrant injuftice. 
 He obferved, that traffick was an enemy 
 to all the liberal paflions of the foul, 
 founded on the third of lucre, a fordid 
 difpofition to take advantage of the ne- 
 
 ceflitics of our fellow creatures. He 
 
 affirmed, the nature of commerce was fuch, 
 that it could not be fixed or perpetuated, 
 but, having flowed to a certain height, 
 would immediately begin to ebb, and fo 
 continue till the channels mould be left 
 almolt dry ; but there was no inftance of 
 the tide's rifmg a ftcond time to any con- 
 fiderable influx in the lame nation. Mean 
 while the ludden affluence occafioned by 
 trade, forced open ail the fluices of luxury 
 and overflowed the land with every fpe- 
 cies of profligacy and corruption , a total 
 pravity of manners would enfue, and this 
 
 muft
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 193 
 
 muft be attended with bankruptcy and 
 ruin. He obferved of the parliament, 
 that the practice of buying boroughs, and 
 canvafling for votes, was an avowed 
 fyftem of venality, already eftablifhed on 
 the ruins of principle, integrity, faith, 
 and good order, in confequence of which 
 the elected and the elector, an J, in fhort, 
 the whole body of the people, were 
 equally and univerfally contaminated and 
 corrupted. He affirmed, that of a par- 
 liament thus conftituted, the crown 
 would always have influence enough to 
 fecure a great majority in ics dependence, 
 from the great number of poits, places, 
 and penfions it had to beftow $ that fuch 
 a parliament would (as it had already 
 don?) lengthen the term of its fitting and 
 authority, whenever the prince mould 
 think it for his intereft to continue the 
 representatives -, for, without doubt, they 
 had the fame right to protect thtir au- 
 thority ad infinitum, as they had to extend 
 it from three to feven years. 'With a 
 parliament, therefore, dependent upon 
 the crown, devoted to the prince, and 
 fupported by a {landing army, garbled 
 and modelled for the purpofe, any king 
 of" England may, and probably fomc am- 
 bitious fovereign will, totally overthrow 
 VOL, II. K all
 
 194 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 all the bulwarks of the conititution ; for 
 it is not to be fuppofed that a prince of a 
 high fpirit will tamely lubmit to be 
 thwarted in all his meafures, abuied and 
 iniulted by a populace of unbridled fero- 
 city, when he has it in his power to crufh 
 all oppofuion under his feet with the con- 
 currence of the legiflature. He faid, he 
 fhould always confider the liberty of the 
 prefs as a national evil, while it enabled 
 the vileft reptile to foil the luftre of the 
 moft fhining merit, and furnilhed the 
 moft infamous incendiary with the means 
 of difturbing the peace and deftroying the 
 good order of the community. He own- 
 ed, however, that, under due reftriclions, 
 it would be a valuable privilege ; but af- 
 firmed, that at prefent there was no law in 
 England fufficient to reftrain it within pro- 
 per bounds. 
 
 With refpect to juries, he exprefied 
 himlelf to this effect : Juries are ge- 
 nerally compofed of illiterate plebeians, 
 apt to be miftaken, eafily mifled, and open 
 to finifter influence-, for if either of the 
 parties to be tried, can gain over one of 
 the twelve jurors, he has fecured the ver- 
 dicl in his favour j the juryman thus 
 brought over will, in defpight of all evi- 
 dence and conviction, generally hold out 
 
 till
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 195 
 
 till his fellows are fatigued, and harrafled, 
 and ftarved into concurrence ; in which 
 cafe the verdict is unjuft, and the jurors 
 are all perjured : but cafes will often oc- 
 cur, when the jurors are really divided in 
 opinion, and each fide is convinced in op- 
 pofition to the other ; but no verdict wilt 
 be received, unlefs they are unanimous, 
 and they are all bound, not only in con- 
 fcience, but by oath, to judge and declare 
 
 according to their conviction. What 
 
 then will be the confequence r* They 
 muft either ftarve in company, or one fide 
 mull facrifice their conlcience to their 
 convenience, and join in a verdict which 
 they believe to be falfe. This abfurdity 
 is avoided in Sweden, where a bare ma- 
 jority is fufficient ; and in Scotland, \\here 
 two thirds of the j jry are required to con- 
 cur h the verdict. 
 
 You muft not imagine that all thefe 
 deductions were mad.' on hii parr, with- 
 out contradiction on mine. Nc tin truih 
 is, I found nryfelf piqued in point of ho- 
 nour, at his pretending to be ib much 
 wifcr than his neighbours. I queflioned 
 all his afTertions, ftarted innumerable ob- 
 jections, argued and wrangled with un- 
 common perfeverance, and g;tw wvy 
 warm, and even violent, in the debate. 
 K 2 So ae-
 
 136 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 Sometimes he was puzzled, and once or 
 twice, I think, fairly refuted , but from 
 thofe falls he rofe again, like Antasus, 
 \vith redoubled vigour, till at length I was 
 tired, exhaufted, and really did not know 
 how to proceed, when luckily he dropped 
 a hint, by which he dil'covered he had 
 been bred to the law , a confeffion which 
 enabled me to retire from the difpute with 
 a good grace, as it could not be luppofed 
 that a man like me, who had been bred 
 to nothing, mould be able to cope with 
 a veteran in his own profeflion. I believe 
 however, that I mall for fome time conti- 
 nue to chew the cud of reflection upon 
 many obfervations which this original dif- 
 charged. 
 
 Whether our fifter Tabby was really 
 flruck with his converfation, or is refolved 
 to throw at every thing me meets in the 
 (hape of a man, till fhe can fatten the ma- 
 trimonial noole, certain it is, (he has 
 taken defperate ftrides towards the affec- 
 tion of Lifmahago, who cannot be faid to 
 have met her half way, though he does not 
 feem altogether infenfible to her civilities. 
 She infinuated more than once how 
 happy we mould be to have his company 
 through that part of Scotland which we 
 propoltd to vifit, till at length he plainly 
 
 told
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 197 
 
 told us, that his road was totally different 
 from that which we intended to take , 
 that, for his part, his company would be 
 of very little fervice to us in our progrels, 
 as he was utterly unacquainted with the 
 country, which he had left in his early 
 youth, confequently, he could neither di- 
 rect us in our enquiries, nor introduce us 
 to any family of diftinction. He faid, he 
 was ftimulated by an irrefiftible impulfe to 
 revifit the paternns lar, or -putrid dcmus y 
 though he expected little fa tisf action, inaf- 
 much as he underftood that his nephew, 
 the prefent poffeflbr, was but ill qualified 
 to fupport the honour of the family. He 
 allured us, however, as we defign to return 
 by the weft road, that he will watch our 
 motions, and endeavour to pay his refpects 
 to us at Dumfries Accordingly he took 
 his leave of u? at a place half way betwixt 
 Morpeth and Alnwick, and pranced away 
 in great ftate, mounted on a tall, meagre, 
 raw-boned, mambling grey gelding, with- 
 out e'er a tooth in his head, the very 
 counter-part of the rider ; and, indeed, 
 the appearance of the two was fo pic- 
 turefque, that I would give twenty gui- 
 neas to have them tolerably reprefented 
 on canvas. 
 
 K 3 ' Nor-
 
 198 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 Northumberland is a fine county, ex- 
 tending to the Tweed, which is a pkafant 
 paftorat tfream ; but you will be furprifed 
 when I tell you that the Englifh fide of 
 that river is neither fo well cultivated nor 
 Ib populous as the other. The farms are 
 thinly fcattered, the lands unindofed, and 
 fcarce a gentleman's feat is to be feen in 
 Ibme miles from the Tweed ; whereas the 
 Scots are advanced in crowds to the very 
 brink of the river, fo that you may reck- 
 on above thirty good hcufts, in the 
 compafs of a few miles, belonging to pro- 
 prietors whofe anceftors had fortified caf- 
 tles in the fame f tuation?, a circumfiance 
 that (hews what dangerous neighbours 
 the Scots rrmft have formerly been to the 
 northern counties of England. 
 
 Our domeilic ceconomy continues on 
 
 the old footing. My fifler Tabby ftill 
 
 adheres to methodifm. and had the bene- 
 fit of a fermon at Wefley's meeting in 
 Newcaftle -, but I believe the pafllcn of 
 love has in fome meafure abated the fer- 
 vour of devotion both in her and her wo- 
 man, Mrs. Jenkins, about whofe good 
 graces there has been a violent conteft be- 
 twixt my nephew's valet, Mr. Dutton, and 
 my man, Humphry Clinker. Jery has 
 
 been
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 199 
 
 been obliged to interpofe his authority to 
 keep the peace ; and to him I have left 
 the dilcuflion of that important affair, 
 which had like to have kindled the flames 
 of difcord in the family of 
 
 Yours always 
 Tweedmouth, July 15. MATT. BRAMBLE. 
 
 To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Birt. at 
 Oxon. 
 
 DEAR WAT, 
 
 IN my two laft you had fo much of 
 Lifmahago, that I fuppofe you are glad 
 he is gone off the ftage for the prefem. 
 I mult now defcend to domeltic occur- 
 rences. Love, it feems, is refolved to 
 afiert his dominion over all the females 
 
 of our family. After having praftifed 
 
 upon poor Liddy's heart, and played 
 
 ftrange vagaries with our aunt Mrs. Ta- 
 
 bitha, he began to run riot in the affec- 
 
 K 4 tions
 
 200 THE EXPEDITION os 
 
 tions of her woman, Mrs. Winifred Jen* 
 kins, whom I have had occafion to men- 
 tion more than once in the ccurfe of cur 
 memoirs.. Nature intended Jenkins for 
 fomething very different from the charac- 
 ter of her miftrefs , yet cuftom and habit 
 have effe&ed a wonderful refemblance 
 betwixt them in many particulars. \Vin, 
 to be fure, is much younger and more 
 agreeable in her perfon ; fhe is likewife 
 tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities 
 for which her miflrefs is by no means re- 
 markable, no more than fhe is for being 
 of a timorous difpofiuon, and much fub- 
 je<5t to fits of the mother, which are the 
 infirmities of Win's conftitution : but 
 then (he feems to have adopted Mrs. Tab- 
 by*s manner with her caft cioaths. She 
 drefics and endeavours to look like her 
 miftrefs, although her own looks are much 
 more engaging.-^ She enters into her 
 fcheme of ceconomy, learns her phrafes, 
 repeats her remarks, imitates her ftile in 
 fcolding the inferior fervants, and, finally, 
 fubfcribes implicitly to her fyttcm of de- 
 votion. ^This, indeed, Ihe found the 
 more agreeable, as it was in a great mea- 
 fure introduced and confirmed by the mi- 
 niftry qf Clinker^ with whofe perfonal 
 
 merit
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 201. 
 
 merit me feems to have been ftruck ever 
 fince he exhibited the pattern of his nak- 
 ed fkin at Marlborough. 
 
 Neverthelefs, though Humphry had 
 this double hank upon her inclinations, 
 and exerted all his power to maintain the 
 eonqueft he had made, he found it im- 
 poflible to guard it on the fide of vanity,, 
 where poor Win was as frail as any fe- 
 male in the kingdom. In fhort, my raf- 
 cal Dutton profeflfed himfelf her admirer, 
 and, by dint of his outlandifh qualifica- 
 tions, threw his rival Clinker out of the 
 faddle of her heart, Humphry may be- 
 compared to an Englifh pudding, compof- 
 ed of good wholefome flour and fuet, and 
 Dutton to a fyllabub or iced froth, which, 
 though agreeable to the tafle, has nothing 
 iblid or fubftantial. The traitor not only 
 dazzled her with his lecond-hand finery,, 
 but he fawned, and flattered, and cringed 
 he taught her to take rappee, and pre- 
 fented her with a fnufF-box of papier ma- 
 che he fupplied her with a powder for 
 her teeth he mended her complexion, 
 and he drefled her hair in the Paris faPnion 
 he undertook to be her French mafter 
 and her dancing-mailer, as well as frifeur, 
 and thus imperceptibly wound himfelf: 
 into her good graces. Clinker perceived 
 K 5 the.
 
 202 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 the progrefs he had made, and repined in 
 fecret. He attempted to open her eyes 
 in the way of exhortation, and finding it 
 produced no effect had recourfe to prayer. 
 At Newcaftle, while he attended Mrs. 
 Tabby to the methodilt meeting, his rival 
 accompanied Mrs. Jenkins to the play. 
 He was drefled in a filk coat, made at 
 Paris for his former mafter, with a tawdry 
 waiftcoat of tarnifhed brocade ; he wore 
 his hair in a great bag with a huge foli- 
 taire, and a long fword dangled from his 
 thigh. The lady was all of a flutter with 
 faded lutefrring, warned gauze, and rib- 
 bons three times refremed , but fhe was 
 mod remarkable for the frifure of her 
 head, which rofe, like a pyramid, feven 
 inches above the fcalp, and her face was 
 primed and patched from the chin up to 
 the eyes , nay, the gallant himfelf had 
 fpared neither red nor white in improving 
 the nature of his own complexion. In 
 this attire, they walked together through 
 the high ftreet to the theatre, and as they 
 paITed for players ready drefied for ac"t- 
 ing, they reached it unmolefted ; but as 
 it was dill light when they returned, and 
 by that time the people had got informa- 
 tion of their real character and condition, 
 they hided and hooted all the way, and 
 
 ' Mrs.
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 203 
 
 Mrs. Jenkins was all befpattered with 
 dirt, as well as infulted with the oppro- 
 brious name of painted Jezabel^ fo that her 
 fright and mortification threw her into an 
 hyfteric fie the moment (he came home. 
 
 Clinker was fo incenfcd at Dutton, 
 whom he confidered as the caufe of her 
 difgrace, that he upbraided him feverely 
 for having turned the poor young wo- 
 man's brain. The other affected to treat 
 him with contempt, and miftaking his 
 forbearance for want of courage, threaten- 
 ed to horfe-whip him into good manners. 
 Humphry then came to me, humbly beg- 
 ing I would give him leave to chaftiie 
 my fervant for his infolence " He has 
 " challenged me to fight him at fword's 
 " point (laid he)-, but I might as well 
 " challenge him to make a horfe-fhoe, 
 " or a plough iron ; for I know no more 
 " of the one than he does of the other. 
 *' Befides, it doth not become fervants to 
 *' ufe thofe weapons, or to claim the pri- 
 " vilege of gentlemen to kill one another 
 " when they tall out; moreover, I would 
 " not have iiis blood upon my confcience 
 " for ten thoufand times the profit or fa- 
 " tisfaclion I ihould get by his death; 
 " but if your honour won't be angry, 
 " I'll engage to gee en a good drubbing, 
 K 6 " that,
 
 204 THE EXPEDITION F 
 
 " that, may hap, will do 'en fervice, and 
 " I'll take care it fhall do 'en no harm.'* 
 I faid, I had no objection to what he pro- 
 pofed, provided he could manage matters 
 Ib as not to be found the aggreflbr, in 
 cafe Dutton mould profecute him for art 
 afiault and battery. 
 
 Thus licenfed, he retired ;. and that 
 feme evening eafily provoked his rival to 
 ftrike the firft blow, which Clinker return- 
 ed with fuch intereft that he was obliged 
 to call for quarter, declaring, at the fame 
 time, that he would exact fevere and 
 bloody fatisfaction the moment we mould 
 pafs the border, when he could run him 
 through the body without fear of the 
 
 conlequence. This fcene pafled irv 
 
 prefence of lieutenant Lifmahago, who 
 encouraged Ciinker to hazard a thruft of 
 cold iron with his antagonift. ** Cold 
 " iron (cried Humphry) I fhall never ule 
 " againft the life of any human creature j, 
 *' but I am fo far from being afraid of 
 " his cold iron, that I lhall ufe nothing 
 ' in my defence but a good cudgel, which 
 " fhall always be at his fervice." In the 
 mean time, the fair caufe of this conteft, 
 Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, feemed over- 
 whelmed with affliction, and Mr. Clinker 
 acted much on the referve, though he 
 
 did
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 205 
 
 did not prefume to find fault with her 
 condudv 
 
 The difpute between the two rivals 
 was foon brought to a very unexpected 
 iffue. Among our fellow-lodgers at Ber- 
 wick, was a couple from London, bound 
 to Edinburgh, on the voyage of matri- 
 mony. The female was the daughter and 
 heirefs of a pawn-broker deceafed, who 
 had given her guardians the flip, and put 
 herfelf under the tuition of a tall Hiber- 
 nian, who had conducted her thus far in 
 quell of a clergyman to unite them in 
 marriage, without the formalities requir- 
 ed by the law of England. I know not 
 how the lover had behaved on the road, 
 fo as to decline in the favour of his inna- 
 morata; but, in all probability, Dutton 
 perceived a coldnefs on her fide, which 
 encouraged him to whifper, it was a pity 
 me (hould have caft her affections upon a 
 tayior, which he affirmed the Irifliman to 
 be. This difcovery completed her dif- 
 guft, of which my man taking the advan- 
 tage, began to recommend himfelf to her 
 good graces, and the fmooth-tongued raf- 
 cal found no difficulty to infinuate himfelf 
 into the place of her heart, from which 
 the other had been difcarded Their re- 
 iblution was immediately taken. In the 
 
 morning,
 
 206 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 morning, before day, while poor Teague 
 lay fnoring a-bed, his indefatigable rival 
 ordered a poft-chaife, and fet out with the 
 lady for Coldftream, a few miles up the 
 Tweed, where there was a parfon who 
 dealt in this branch of commerce, and 
 there they were noofed, before the Irim- 
 man ever dreamt of the matter. But 
 when he got up at fix o'clock, and found 
 the bird was flown, he made fuch a noife 
 as alarmed the whole hotife, One of the 
 firft perfons he encountered, was the pof- 
 tilion returned from Coldftieam, where he 
 hai been witnefs to the marriage, and 
 over and above an handfome gratuity, had 
 received a bride's favour, which he now 
 wore in his cap W,;cn the roriaken lover, 
 underftood they were a&ual.y married, 
 and fct out for London , and that Dut- 
 ton had difcovered to the lady, that he 
 (the Hibernian) was a 'ay lor, he had like 
 to have run diftracled. He tore the rib- 
 bon from the fellow's cap, and beat it 
 about his ears. He Iwore he would pur- 
 fue him to the gates of hell, and ordered 
 a poft-chaife and four to be got ready as 
 foon as pofiiole; bur, recollecting that his 
 finances would not admit of this way of 
 travelling, he was obliged to countermand 
 this order. 
 
 For
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 207 
 
 For my part, I knew nothing at all of 
 what had happened, till the poftilion 
 brought me the keys of my trunk and 
 portmanteau, which he had received 
 from Button, who fent me his refpecls* 
 hoping I would excufe him for his abrupt 
 departure, as it was a ftep upon which his 
 fortune depended Before I had time to 
 make my uncle acquainted with this event, 
 the Irifhman burft into my chamber, 
 without any introduction, exclaiming, 
 *' By my foul, your farvant has robbed 
 " me of five thoufand pounds, and I'll 
 *' have fatisfacYion, if I mould be 
 " hangtd to-morrow. " When I afk- 
 ed him who he was, " My name (laid 
 ** he) is Matter Macloughlin but it 
 " fhould be Leighim Oneale, for I am 
 *' come from Ter-Owen the Great; and fo 
 " I am as good a gentleman as any in 
 ' Ireland , and that rogue, your farvant, 
 " faid I was a taylor, which was as big a 
 " lie as if he had called me the pope 
 " I'm a man of fortune, and have fpent 
 " all I had; and fo being in diftrefs, Mr. 
 " Colbgrave, the falhioner in Shuffolk- 
 <c ftrect, tuck me out, and made me his 
 " o.vn private fhecretary : by the fame 
 " token, I was the laft he bailed ; for his 
 friends obliged him to tie himielf up, 
 
 " that
 
 zo8 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 *' that he would bail no more above ten 
 " pounds ; for why, becaafe as how, he 
 " could not refufe any body that afked, 
 ** and therefore in time would have rob- 
 *' bed himfelf of his whole fortune, and,. 
 " if he had lived long at that rate, muft 
 " have died bankrupt very foon and fo 
 *' I made my addreffes to Mils Skinner, 
 " a young lady of five thoufand pounds 
 " fortune, who agreed to take me for 
 " better nor work; and, to be lure, this 
 ** day would have put me in pofleffion, if 
 41 it had not been for that rogue, your 
 " farvant, who came like a tief, and ftole 
 *' away my property, and made her be- 
 ** lieve I was a taylor ; and that me was 
 ** going to marry the ninth part of a man : 
 *' but the devil burn my foul, if ever I 
 " catch him on the mountains of Tullo- 
 " ghobegly, if I don't (hew him that I'm 
 " nine times as good a man as he, or e'er. 
 " a bug of his country." 
 
 When he had rung out his firft alarm, I 
 told him I was forry he had allowed himfelf ' 
 to be fo jockied; but it was no bufincfs of: 
 mine-, and that the fellow who robbed 
 him of his bride, had likewife robbed me 
 of my fervam " Didn't I tell you then* 
 *' (cried he) that Rogue was his true- 
 4< Chriilian name. Oh if I had but one 
 
 " fair
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 209 
 
 " fair truft with him upon the fod, I'd 
 l * give him lave to brag all the reft of his 
 " Jife." 
 
 My uncle hearing the noife, came in, 
 and being informed of this adventure, 
 began to comfort Mr. Oneale for the la- 
 dy's elopement , obferving that he fecm- 
 ed to have had a lucky efcape, that it was 
 better (he fhould elope before, than after 
 marriage 'The Hibernian was of a very 
 different opinion. He faid, " If he had 
 " been once married, (he might have 
 '* eloped as foon as me pleafed; he would 
 ** have taken care that (he (hould not 
 " have carried her fortune along with 
 her Ah (faid he) (he's a Judas llcariot* 
 " and has betrayed me with a kifs; and, 
 " like Judas, (he carried the bag, and 
 " has not left me money enough to bear 
 " my expcnces back to London-, ?nd fo 
 " as I'm come to this pafs, and the rogue 
 " that was the occafion of it has left you 
 ** without a farvant, you may put me in 
 ' his place ; and by Jafus, it is the beft 
 " thing you can do. " I begged to be 
 excufed, declaring I could put up with 
 any inconvenience, rather than treat as a 
 footman the defcendant of Tir-Owen the 
 Great. I advifed him to return to his. 
 friend, Mr. Cofgrave, and take his paf- 
 
 fage
 
 2ro THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 fage from Newcaftle by fea, towards 
 which I made him a fmall prefent, and he 
 retired, feemingly refigned to his evil for- 
 tune. I have taken upon crial a Scotchman, 
 called Archy M'Alpin, an old foldier, 
 whofe lad matter, a colonel, lately died at 
 Berwick. The fellow is old and wither- 
 ed , but he has been recommended to me 
 for his fidelity, by Mrs. Humphreys, a 
 very good fort of a woman, who keeps 
 the inn at Tweedmouth, and is much re- 
 fpecled by all the travellers on this road. 
 
 Clinker, without doubt, thinks himlelf 
 happy in the removal of a dangerojs ri- 
 val, and he is too good a Chrillian, to re- 
 pine at Dutton's fuccefs, Even Mrs. Jen- 
 kins will have reafon to congratulate her- 
 felf upon this event, when fhe cooly re- 
 flects upon the matter; for, howfoever 
 fhe was forced from her poife for a fea- 
 fon, by fnares laid for her vanity, Hum- 
 phry is certainly the north-ftar to which 
 the needle of her affection would have 
 pointed at the long run. At prefent, the 
 fame vanity is exceedingly mortified, up- 
 on finding herfelf abandoned by her new 
 admirer, in favour of another inamorata. 
 She received the news with a violent burft 
 of laughter, which foon brought on a fit 
 of crying j and this gave the finilhing 
 
 blow
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 211 
 
 blow to the patience of her miftrefs, which 
 had held out beyond all expectation. She 
 now opened all thofe floodgates of repre- 
 henfion, which had been Ihut fo long. 
 She not only reproached her with her le- 
 vity and indifcretion, but attacked her on 
 the fcore of religion, declaring roundly 
 that (he was in a ftate of apoftacy and re- 
 probation; and finally, threatened to fend 
 her a packing at this extremity of the 
 kingdom. All the family interceded for 
 poor Winifred, not even excepting her 
 flighted fwain, Mr. Clinker, who, on his 
 knees, implored and obtained her pardon. 
 There was, however, another confide- 
 ration that gave Mrs. Tabitha fome dif- 
 turbance. At Newcaftle, the fervants 
 had been informed by fome wag, that 
 there was nothing to eat in Scotland, but 
 oat-meal and Jheep's-heads ; and lieutenant 
 Lifmahago being confuked, what he faid 
 ferved rather to confirm than to refute the 
 report. Our aunt being apprifed of this 
 circumftance, very gravely advifed her 
 brorher to provide a fumpter horfe with 
 {lore of hams, tongues, bread, bifcuit, 
 and other articles for our fubfiftenee, in 
 the courfe of our peregrination, and Mr. 
 Bramble as gravely replied, that he would 
 take the hint into confideration : but, find- 
 ing
 
 212 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 ing no fuch provifion was made, fhe now 
 revived the propofa), obferving that there 
 was a tolerable market at Berwick, where 
 we might be lupplied; and that my man's, 
 horfe would fcrve as a bead of burthen 
 The 'fquire, mrugging up his (boulders, 
 eyed her afkance with a look of inef- 
 fable contempt : and, after ibme paufe, 
 " Sifter, (faid he) I can hardly per. 
 " fuadc myfelf you are ferious." She 
 was fo little acquainted with the geo- 
 graphy of the ifland, that fhe imagined 
 we could not go to Scotland but by fea v 
 and, after we had paflVd through the 
 town of Berwick, when he told her we 
 were upon Scottifh ground, me could 
 hardly believe the aiTertion If the truth 
 muft be told, the South Britons in gene- 
 ral are woefully ignorant in this particular. 
 What, between want of curiofity, and 
 traditional farcafms, the effect of ancient 
 animofity, the people at the other end of 
 the ifland know as little of Scotland as 
 of Japan. 
 
 If I had never been in Wales, I mould 
 have been more ftruck with the manifeit 
 difference in appearance betwixt the pea- 
 fants and commonalty on different fides 
 of the Tweed. The boors of Northum- 
 berland are lufty fellows, frefh complex- 
 ioned, cleanly, and well cloathed ; but 
 
 the.
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 213 
 
 the labourers in Scotland are generally 
 lank, lean, hard-featured, fallow, foiled, 
 and fhabby, and their little pinched blue 
 caps have a beggarly effect:. The cattle 
 are much in the fame ftile with their driv- 
 ers, meagre, Hunted, and ill equif t. 
 When I talked to my uncle on this fub- 
 jed, he faid, " Though all the Scottilh 
 " hinds would not bear to be compared 
 " with thofe of the rich counties of South 
 " Britain, they would ftand very well in 
 *' competition with the peafants of France, 
 " Italy, and Savoy not to mention the 
 *' mountaineers of Wales, and the red- 
 " fhanksof Ireland." 
 
 We entered Scotland by a frightful 
 moor of fixteen miles, which promifes 
 very little for the interior parts of the 
 kingdom ; but the profpect mended as 
 we advanced. Pafling through Dunbar, 
 which is a neat little town, fituated on the 
 fea-fide, we lay at a country inn, where 
 our entertainment far exceeded our ex- 
 pectation , but for this we cannot give 
 the Scots credit, as the landlord is a native 
 of England. Yefterday we dined at Had- 
 dington, which has been a place of fome 
 confideration, but is now gone to decay ; 
 and in the evening arrived at this metro- 
 polis, of which I can fay very little. It 
 
 is
 
 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 is very romantic, from its fituation on the de- 
 clivity of a hill, having a fortified caftJe 
 at the top, and a royal palace at the bot- 
 tom. The firfl thing that ftrikes the nofe 
 of a flranger, fhall be namelefs ; but 
 what firft ftrikes the eye, is the unconfcion- 
 able height of the houfes, which gene- 
 rally rife to five, fix, feven, and eight 
 ftories, and, in fome places, (as I am af- 
 fured) to twelve. This manner of build- 
 ing, attended with numberlefs inconve- 
 niences, muft have been originally owing 
 to want of room, Certain it is, the town 
 feems to be full of people: but their 
 looks, their language, and their cuftoms, 
 are fo different from ours, that I can 
 hardly believe myfelf in Great-Britain. 
 
 The inn at which we put up. (if it 
 may be fo called) was fo filthy and dif- 
 agreeable in all refpects, that my uncle be- 
 gan to fret, and his gouty fymptoms to 
 recur Recollecting, however, that he 
 had a letter of recommendation to one 
 Mr. Mitchelfon, a lawyer, he fent it by 
 his fervant, with a compliment, import- 
 ing that he would wait upon him iv. a xt 
 day in perfon ; but that gentleman vifit- 
 ed us immediately, and infifted upon our 
 going to his own houfe, until he could 
 
 provide
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 215 
 
 provide lodgings for our accommodation. 
 We gladly accepted of his invitation, and 
 repaired to his houfe, where we were 
 treated with equal elegance and hofpitali- 
 ty, to the utter confufion of our aunt, 
 whofe prejudices, though beginning to give 
 way, were not yet entirely removed. To- 
 day, by the afiiftance of our friend, we are 
 fettled in convenient lodgings, up four 
 pair of flairs, in the High-flreet, the 
 fourth ftory being, in this city, reckoned 
 more genteel than the firft. The air is, 
 in all probability, the better j but it re- 
 quires good lungs to breathe it at this dif- 
 tance above the furface of the earth. 
 While I do remain above it, whether high- 
 er or lower, provided 1 breathe at all, 
 
 I (hall ever be, 
 
 dear Phillips, yours, 
 July 18. J. MELFORD.
 
 216 THE EXPEDITION o? 
 
 To Dr. LEWIS. 
 
 DEAR LEWIS, 
 
 THAT part of Scotland contiguous 
 to Berwick, nature feems to have intend- 
 ed as a barrier between two hoftile na- 
 tions. It is a brown defert of confidera- 
 ble extent, that produces nothing but 
 heath and fern ; and what rendered it the 
 more dreary when we pafied, there was 
 a thick fog that hindered us from feeing 
 above twenty yards from the carriage 
 My fifter began to make wry faces, and 
 ufe her fmelling bottle ; Liddy looked 
 blank, and Mrs. Jenkins dejected ; but in 
 a few hours thefe clouds were difiipated j 
 the fea appeared upon our right, and on 
 the left the mountains retired a little, 
 leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them 
 arid the beach ; but, what furprifed us 
 all, this plain, to the extent of feveral 
 miles, was covered with as fine wheat as 
 ever I faw in the moft fertile parts of 
 
 South
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 217 
 
 South Britain This plentiful crop is 
 
 raifed in the open field, without any in- 
 clofure, or other manure than the alga 
 marine or fea-weed, which abounds on 
 this coaft -, a circumftance which flicws 
 that the foil and climate are favourable ; 
 but that agriculture in this country is not 
 yec brought to that perfection which it 
 has attained in England. Inclofures 
 would not only keep the grounds warm, 
 and the fevcral fields diftincl:, but would 
 alfo protect the crop from the high winds, 
 which are fo frequent in this part of the 
 ifland. 
 
 Dunbar is well fituated for trade, and 
 has a curious bafon, where fhips of fmnll 
 burthen may be perfectly It-cure; but 
 there is little appearance of bufincfs in 
 the place From thence, all the way to 
 Edinburgh, there is a continual fucccf- 
 fion of fine feats, belonging to noblemen 
 and gentlemen ; and as each is furround-' 
 cd by its own parks and plantation, they 
 produce a very pleafing effect in a coun- 
 try which lies otherwife oprn and cxpjf- 
 cc!. At Dunbar there is a noble puik, 
 with a lodge, belonging to the Duke r of 
 Roxburgh, where Oliver Cromwell had 
 his head-quarters, when Lefiey, at the 
 head of a Scotch army, took pofilfiion 
 
 VOL. II. L of
 
 218 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 of the mountains in the neighbourhood, 
 and hampered him in fuch a manner, 
 that he would have been obliged to em- 
 bark and get away by fea, had not the fa- 
 naticifm of the enemy forfeited the ad- 
 vantage which they had obtained by their 
 
 general's conduct Their m nifters, by 
 
 exhortation, prayer, afTurance, and pro- 
 phecy, inftigated them to go down and 
 flay the Philiftines in Gilgal, and they 
 quitted their ground accordingly, not- 
 withftanding all that Lefley could do to 
 reftrain the madnefs of their enthufiafm 
 
 When Oliver faw them in motion, 
 
 he exclaimed, " Praifed be the I ord he 
 x< hath delivered them into the hands of 
 " his fervant !" and ordered his troops to 
 fing a pfalm of thankfgrving, while they 
 advanced in order to the plain, where 
 the Scots v*ere routed with great fiaugh- 
 ter. 
 
 In the neighbourhood of Ha^dington, 
 there is a gentleman's houfe, in the build- 
 ing of which and the improvements a 
 bout it, he is faid to have expended fort] 
 thoufand pounds : but I cannot fay I was 
 much pleafed with either the architec 
 ture or the fituation ; though it has ir 
 front a pafloral ftream, the banks 
 which are laid out in a very agt 
 
 man-
 
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, 21^ 
 
 manner. I intended to pay my refpe<fts 
 to Lord Flibank, whom 1 had the honour 
 to know at London many years ago. He 
 Jives in this part of Lothian , but was 
 gone to the North, en a vifit You have 
 often heard me mention this nobleman, 
 whom I have long revered for his huma- 
 nity and univerfai intelligence, over and 
 above the entertainment arifing from the 
 originality of his character- At iVuflcl- 
 burgh, however, I had the good-fortune 
 to drink tea with my old friend Mr. C;.r- 
 donel , and at his houfe I met with Dr. 
 
 C , the parfon of the parifti> whole 
 
 humour and converfation inflamed me 
 with a defire of being better acquainted 
 with his perfon I am not at all lurpriie.1 
 that thefe Scots make their way in every 
 quarter of the globe. 
 
 This place is but four miles from 
 Edinburgh, towards which we proceeded 
 along rhe fea-fhore, upon a firm bottom 
 of Imooth fand, which the tide had left 
 
 uncovered in its retrea ! dinburgh, 
 
 from this avenue, is not feen to much 
 advantage We had only an imperfect 
 view of the Caftle and upper parts of the 
 town, which varied mediant ly according 
 to the inflexions of the road, and exhibit- 
 ed the appearance of detached Ipirrs and 
 L 2 tur-
 
 220 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 turret?, belonging to fome magnificent 
 edifice in ruins. The palace of Holy- 
 rood houfe (lands on the left, as you en- 
 ter the Canongate This is a ftreet con- 
 tinued from hence to the gate called Ne- 
 ther Bow, which is now taken away ; fo 
 that there is no interruption for a long 
 mile, from the bottom to the top of the 
 hill on which the caftle (lands in a mod 
 imperial fuuation -Confidering its fine 
 pavement, its width, and the lofcy houfes 
 en each fide, this would be undoubtedly 
 one of the nobleft ftreets in Europe, if 
 an ugly mafs of mean buildings, called 
 the Lucken-Booths, had not thruil itfelf, 
 by what accident I know not, into the 
 middle of the way, like Middle-Row in 
 Holborn. The city (lands upon two hills, 
 and the bottom between them ; and, with 
 all its defects, may very well pafs for 
 the capital of a mode-rate kingdon. It is 
 full of people, and continually refouods 
 with the noile of coaches and other carri- 
 ages, for luxury as well as commerce. 
 As far as I can perceive, here is no want 
 of proviHons The beef and mutton are 
 as delicate here as in Wales , the Tea af- 
 fords plenty of good f;(h , the bread is 
 remarkably fine -, and ihe water is excel- 
 lent, though I'm afraid not in fufficient 
 
 quart-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 221 
 
 quantity to anfwer all the purpofes of 
 cleanlinefs and convenience j articles in 
 which, it muft be allowed, our fellow-fub- 
 jects are a little defective The water is 
 brought in leaden pipes from a mountain 
 in the neighbourhood, to a cittern on the 
 Caftle-hill, from whence it is diflributed 
 to public conduits in different parrs of 
 the city From thefe it is carried in bar- 
 rels, on the backs of male and female por- 
 ters, up two, three, four, five, fix, fe- 
 ven, and eight piir of flairs, for the ufe 
 
 of particular families livery ftory is 4 
 
 complete houfe, occupied by a feparatc 
 family; and the flair being common to 
 them all, is generally left in a very filthy 
 condition ; a man muft tread with great 
 circumfpection to get fafe houfcd with 
 unpolluted fhoes Nothing can form a 
 flronger contraft, than the difference be- 
 twixt the outfide and infide of the door ; 
 for the good women of this mctropolii 
 are remarkably nice in the ornaments and 
 propriety of their apartments, as if they 
 were refolved to transfer the imputation 
 from the individual to the public. You 
 are no flranger to their method of djf- 
 charging all their impurities from their 
 
 Windows, at a Ctnam hour of tKg-nigkr,. 
 
 as the cuftom is in Spain, Portugal, and 
 L 3
 
 222 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 fome parts of France anJ Italy A prac- 
 tice to which I can by no means be re- 
 conciled , for notwithstanding all the care 
 that is taktn by their fcavengers to re- 
 move this tiuifance every morning by 
 break of day, enough ftili remains to of- 
 fend the eyes, as well as other organs of 
 thofe whom ufe has net hardened againft 
 ail delicacy of fenfation. 
 
 The inhabitants feem infcnfible to thefc 
 imprcfTions, and are apt to imagine the 
 difguft that we avow is little beticr than 
 affectation ; but they ought to have fome 
 compafllon forftrangers, who have net been 
 ufed to this kind of fufft ranee , and ccnfi- 
 der, whether it may not be worth while to 
 t^ke fome pains to vindicate themlelves 
 from the reproach that, on this account, 
 they bear among their neighbours. As to 
 the furprifing height of their houfes, u is 
 abfurd in many rtipecls ; but in one par- 
 ticular light I cannot view it without hor- 
 ror ; that is, the dreadful foliation of all 
 the families above, in cafe the common 
 flair-cafe (hould be rendered impafiable 
 by a fire in the lower ftories In order to 
 pievent the (hocking confequences that 
 ir.i.-ft attend fuch an accident, ir wonM he 
 a right mealure to open doors of commu- 
 nicaiion from one nouie to another, on 
 
 every
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 223 
 
 every ftory, by which the people might 
 fly from fuch a terrible vification. In all 
 parts of the world, we fee the force of 
 habic prevailing over all ti:e dictates of 
 convenience and iagacity ".Ul the peo- 
 ple of bulinefs at Edinburgh, and rvcn 
 the genteel company, n < v be leen ftand- 
 ing in crow s every day, from one to. two 
 in the afternoon, in die ope.i Itreer,. ac a 
 place where formerly flood a mark t- 
 crofs, wtiich (by the bye) was a curious 
 piece of Gothic architecture, ftill to be 
 feen in lord So:ii nerville's garden in this 
 neighbourhood I fay, the people ftand 
 in the open ftreet from the foice of cuf- 
 tjm, rather than move a few yards to an 
 Exchange that ftands empty on one fide,, 
 or to the Parliament-clofe on the other, 
 which is a noble fquare> adorned with a 
 fine equeftrian flatue of king Charles II. 
 The company thus afiembled, are en- 
 tertained with a variety of tunes, played 
 upon a fet of bells-, fixed in a fteeple hard 
 by As thefe bells are well-toned, and 
 the mufician, who has a falary from the 
 city, for playing upon them with keys, 
 is no bad performer, the entertainment 
 is really agreeable, and very ftriking to 
 the ears of a ftranger. 
 
 L 4 The
 
 224 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 The public inns of Edinburgh, are 
 ftill worfe than thofe of London ; but by 
 means of a worthy gentleman, to whom I 
 was recommended, we have got decent 
 lodgings in the houfe of a widow gentle- 
 woman of the name of Lockhart ; and 
 Iiere I mall ftay until I have feen every 
 thing that is remarkable in and about 
 this capital. I now begin to feel the good 
 
 effects of exercife- 1 eat like a farmer, 
 
 fleep from mid-night till eight in the 
 morning without interruption, and enjoy 
 a conftant tide of fpirits, equally diftant 
 from inanition and excels j but whatever 
 tbbs or flows my conftirution may un- 
 dergo, my heart will ftill declare that 
 1 am, 
 
 Dear Lewis, 
 
 Your affectionate friend and fervant, 
 Edr. July 18. MATT. BRAMBLI* 
 
 To
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 225 
 
 To Mr?. M.ARY JONKS, at Bramblc- 
 ton-hall. 
 
 DEAR MARY, 
 
 THE 'fquire has been fo kind as to 
 rap my bit of nonfenfe under the kiver 
 of his own fheet O, Mary Jones ! Mary- 
 Jones ! I have had trials and trembula- 
 tion. God help me ! 1 have been a vixen 
 and a griffin thefe many days Sattin has 
 had power to temp me in the fliape of 
 van Ditton, the young Tquirc's wally c!c 
 fhamble ; but by God's grtafe he did not 
 purvail I thoft as how, there was no arm 
 in going to a play at Newcaftle, with my 
 hair drefied in the Parilh fafliion ; and as 
 for the trifle of paint, he faid as how my 
 complexion wanted rouch, and fo I let 
 him put it on with a little Spanifh owl ; 
 but a mifchievcus mob of col.icr c , and 
 fuch promifcous ribble rabbit.-, that 
 could bare no fmut but their own, attack- 
 ed us in the ftreet, and called me boar 
 and fainted Jj/iite/ 9 and fplafhed my 
 L dole,
 
 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 cbfe, and fpoiled me a complete fet of 
 blond lace triple ruffles, not a pin the 
 \vorfe for the wart They cc ft me Jeven 
 good fillings, to lady Grifkin's woman 
 at London. 
 
 Whtn 1 axed Mr. Clinker what they 
 meant by calling me Ifiabel, he put the 
 bytbill into my hand, and I read of van 
 liTibel a painted harlot, that vas thrown 
 out of a vindcre, and the dogs came and 
 licked her blood But 1 am no harlot; 
 anJ, with God's blefilng, no dog fhall 
 have my poor blood to lick : marry!; 
 Heaven forbid, amen ! As for Ditton, 
 after all his courting, and his compli- 
 ment, he Hole auay an Irimman's bride, 
 aid took a French leave of me and his 
 matter j but I vally not his going a fart- 
 ing ; but I have had hanger on his ac- 
 coun; Miftrils fcoulded like mad ; thof 
 1 have the comfit that all the family took 
 my parr, and even Mr Clinker pleaded 
 for me on his bended knee ; thof, God he 
 knows, he had raifins enufif to complain ; 
 but he's a good fole, abounding with 
 Chriftian meeknefs, and one day will meet 
 with his reward. 
 
 And now, dear Mary, we have got to 
 Haddingborrough, among the Scots, who 
 are civil enuff for our money, thof I 
 
 don't
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 227 
 
 don't fpeak their lingo But they fhould 
 not go for to impofe upon foreigners j for 
 the bills in their houfes 'fay, they have 
 different eafements to let -, and behold 
 there is nurro geaks in the whole king- 
 dom, nor any thing for poor farvams,, 
 but a barrel with a pair of tongs throwo 
 a-crofs ; and all the chairs in- the family 
 are emptied into this rfere barrel once a- 
 day ; and at ten o'clock at night the 
 whole cargo is flung out of a back win- 
 dore that looks into fome ftreet or lane, 
 and the maids calls gardy loo to the paficn- 
 gers, which, fignifies Lord have mercy up- 
 on you! and this is done every night in 
 every houfe in Haddingborrough ; fo you 
 may guefs, Mary Jones, what a fweez fa- 
 vour comes from fuch a number of pro- 
 fuming pans-, but they fay it iswhollome,. 
 and, truly, I believe it is -, for being in 
 the vapours, and thinking, of IfTabel and 
 Mr. Clinker, I was going into a fit of 
 aftcricks, .when this fiff, faving your pre- 
 fence, took ;ne by the nofe fo powerfully 
 that I f" -.hree times, and found my- 
 
 (clf wonderfully refrefhed ; and this to be. 
 fure i the raiiin why there are no fits in 
 Haddingbo rou^h. 
 
 I was jikcwife made believe, that there 
 
 was nothing to be had but oat -meal and 
 
 L 6'
 
 228 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 feeps beads ; but if I hadn't been a fool, 
 I mought have known there could be no 
 
 btads without kerkafles This very 
 
 blefied day I dined upon a delicate leg of 
 Velfh mutton and cully-flower ; and as 
 for the oat-meal, I leave that to the far- 
 vants of the country, which are pore 
 drudges, many of them without fhoes or 
 ftockings Mr. Clinker tells me here is a 
 great call of the gofpel ; but 1 wi(h, I 
 \vifh fome of our family be not fallen off 
 from the rite way O, if I was given to 
 tail-baring, 1 have my own fecrets to dif* 
 
 cover There has been a deal of hug- 
 
 gling and flurtation betwixt miftrefs and 
 an ould Scotch officer, called Kifmycago. 
 He looks for all the orld like the fcare- 
 crow tfeat our gardener fet up to fritc 
 away the fparrows ; and what will come of 
 it, the Lord knows ; but come what will, 
 it (hall never be faid that I mentioned a 
 fyllabub of the matter Remember me 
 
 kindly to Saul and the kitten 1 hop 
 
 they got the horn-buck, and will put it to 
 a good yufe, which is the conftant prayer 
 of, 
 
 Dear Molly, 
 
 Your loving friend, 
 Addingborough, July 18. \VlN. JfiNKlNf. 
 
 To
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 22? 
 
 To Sir WATKIH PHILLIPS, Bart, of 
 Jefus college, Oxon. 
 
 DEAR PHILLIPS, 
 
 IF I (lay much longer at Edinburgh, 
 I (hall be changed into a downright Cale- 
 donianMy uncle obferves, that I have 
 already acquired fomething of the country 
 accent. The people here are fo focial 
 and attentive in their civilities to ftran- 
 gers, that I am infcnfibly fucked into the 
 channel of their manners and cuftoms, 
 al 1 hough they are in fact much more dif- 
 ferent from ours than you can imagine- 
 That difference, however, which (truck 
 n:e very much at my firft arrival, I now 
 hardly perceive, and my ear is perfectly 
 reconciled to the Scotch accent, which I 
 find even agreeable i-n the mouth of a 
 pretty woman It is a fort of Doric dia- 
 lect, which gives an idea of amiable lim- 
 plichy You cannot imagine how we 
 have been careffed and feafted in the 
 gccd toixn of Edinburgh, of which we are 
 
 be-
 
 2 3 o THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 become free denizens and guild bro- 
 thers, by the fpecial favour of the magi- 
 ftracy. 
 
 I had a whimfical commifTion from 
 Bath, to a citizen of this metropolis 
 Quin, understanding our intention to vifit 
 Edinburgh, pulled out a guinea, and 
 defired the favour I would drink it as a 
 tavern, with a particular friend and bot- 
 tle-companion of his, one Mr. R C > 
 a. lawyer of this city I charged myfelf 
 with the commifiion, ;'.nd, taking the 
 guinea, " You fee (fuel I) I have pock- 
 " eted your bounty." " Yes (replied 
 ** Quin, laughing) ; and a head-ake in- 
 **' to the bargain, if you drink fair." I 
 made ufe of this introduction to Mr. 
 C , who received me with open arms, 
 and gav.e me the rendezvous," according 
 to the cartel. He had provided a company 
 of jolly fellows, among whom I found 
 myfelf extremely happy ; and did Mr. 
 
 C and Quia all the juftice in my 
 
 power -, but, alas, I was no more than a 
 tiro among a troop of veterans, who had 
 compaflion upon my youth, and convey- 
 ed me home in tVj morning, by what 
 means I know not Qum v, as mUlaken, 
 however, as to the h<. ad-ake ; the cia;ct. 
 was too good to treat me fo roughly 
 
 While
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 231 
 
 While Mr. Bramble holds conferences 
 -with the graver literati of the place, and 
 our females arc entertained at vifits by 
 the Scotch ladies, who arc the belt and 
 kindelt creatures upon earth, I pafs my 
 time among the bucks of Edinburgh ; 
 who, with a great mare of fpirit and vi- 
 vacity, have a certain fhrewdnefs and 
 felf-cornmand that is not often found 
 among their neighbours, in the high-day 
 of youth and exultation Not a hint 
 efcapes a Scotchman that can be inter- 
 preted into offence by aay individual in 
 the company ; and national reflections are 
 never heard In this particular, I muft. 
 own, we are both unjuft and ungrateful 
 to the Scots , for, as far as I am able to 
 judge, they have a real efteem for the na- 
 tives of Souih-Britain , and never men-, 
 tion our country, but with expreflions of 
 regard Nevertheless, they are far from 
 being fervilc imitators of our modes and 
 falhionable vices. All their cuftoms and 
 regulations of public and private cecono- 
 my, of bulinefs and diverfion, are in their 
 own ftile. This remarkably predomi- 
 nates in their looks, their drefs and man- 
 rrer, their rr.ufic, and even thei/ cookery. 
 Our Tquire declares, that he knows not 
 another people upon earth, fo ftrongly. 
 
 marked
 
 232 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 marked with a national character Now 
 we are upon the article of cookery, I 
 muft own, iome of their difhes are favou- 
 rv, and even delicate; but I am not yet 
 Scotchman enough to relifli their finged 
 iheep's-head and haggice, which were 
 provided at our requeft, one day at Mr. 
 Mitchelfon's, where we dined The firft 
 put me in mind of the hiitory of Congo, 
 in which I had read of negroes heads fold 
 publickly in the markets; the laft, being a 
 mefs of minced lights, livers, fuet, oat- 
 meal, onions, and pepper, inclofed in a 
 (beep's ftomach, had a very fudden effect 
 upon mine, and the delicate Mrs. Tabby 
 changed colour-, when the caufe of our 
 difgutl was inftantaneoufly removed at 
 the nod of our entertainer. The Scots, 
 in general, are attached to this compofi- 
 tion, with a fort of national fondnefs, as 
 well as to their oat-meal bread -, which is 
 prefented at every table, in thin triangu- 
 lar cakes, baked upon a plate of iron, 
 called a girdle , and thefe, many of the 
 natives, even in the higher ranks of life, 
 prefer to wheaten-bread, which they have 
 here in perfection You know we ufed to 
 vex poor Murray of Baliol-college, by 
 aiking, if there was really no fruit but 
 turnips in Scotland ? Sure enough, I 
 
 have
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 233 
 
 have feen turnips make their appearance* 
 not as a deferr, but by way of bors 
 eeuvrcs, or whets, as radifhes are ferved 
 up betwixt more fubftantial dimes in 
 France and Italy ; but it muft be obfcrv- 
 ed, that the turnips of this country arc 
 as much fupcrior in fweetnefs, delicacy, 
 and flavour, to thofe of England, as a 
 mufk- melon is to the (lock of a common 
 cabbage. They are fmall and conical, of 
 a yellowifh colour, with a very thin fkin ; 
 and, over and above their agreeable tafte, 
 are valuable for their antilcorbutic qua- 
 lity As to the fruit now in feafon, luch 
 as cherries, goofeberries, and currants, 
 there is no want of them at Edinburgh j 
 and in the gardens of fome gentlemen, 
 who live in this neighbourhood, there is 
 now a vety favourable appearance of 
 apricots, peaches, nectarines, and even 
 grapes : nay, I have feen a very fine 
 mew of pine-apples within a few miles 
 of this metropolis. Indeed, we have no 
 reafon to be furprifed at thefe particulars, 
 when we confider how little difference 
 there is, in fact:, betwixt this climate and 
 that of London. 
 
 All the remarkable places in the city 
 and its avenues, for ten miles around, we 
 have vifited, much to our fatisfaclion In 
 
 the
 
 2,34- THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 the Caftle are fome royal apartments, 
 where the fovereign occafional y refided ; 
 and here are carefully preserved ths re- 
 galia of the kingdom, confuting of a 
 crown, faid to be of great value, a icep- 
 tre, and a fword of (late, adorned with 
 jeweh Of thefe fymbols of fovereignty, 
 the people are exceedingly jealous A 
 report being fpread, during the fitting of 
 the union-parliament, tl:at they were re- 
 moved to London, fuch a tumult arofe, 
 that the lord commilTioner would have 
 been torn in pieces, if he had not pro- 
 duced them for the ianfitctioa of the 
 populace. 
 
 The palace of Holyrood-houfe is an 
 elegant piece of architecture, but funk in 
 an obfcure, and, as 1 take it, unwhole- 
 fome bottom, where one would imagine^ 
 it had been placed on purpofe to be con- 
 cealed. The apartments are lofty, but 
 unfurnifhed ; and as for the pictures of 
 the Scottifh kings, from Fergus I. to 
 king William, they are paultry daubings,. 
 moitlv by the fame hand, painted either 
 from the imagination, or porters hired 
 to fit for the purpofe. All the diverfions 
 of London we enjoy at Edinburgh, in a 
 fmall compafs. Here is a well conduct- 
 ed concert, in which feveral gentlemen 
 
 per-
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 235 
 
 perform on different inftruments The 
 Scots are all muficians Every man you 
 meet plays on the flute, the violin, or 
 violoncello-, and there is one nobleman, 
 whole compositions are univerfally ad- 
 mired Our company of actors is very 
 tolerable j and a fubfcription is now on 
 foot for building a new theatre ; but their 
 afiemblies pleafe me above all other pub- 
 lic exhibitions. 
 
 We have been at the hunters ball, 
 where I was really aftonifhed to fee fuch 
 a number of fine women The Englilh, 
 who have never crofied the Tweed, ima- 
 gine erroneoufly, that the Scotch ladies 
 are not remarkable for perlbnal attrac- 
 tions ; but, I can declare with a fafe con- 
 fcience, I never fuw fo many handlbme 
 females together, as were aflemblrd on 
 this occafion. At the Leith races, the 
 beft company comes hither from the re- 
 moter provinces , fo that, I fuppofe, we 
 had all the beauty of the 'kingdom con- 
 centrated as it were into one focus; 
 which was > mdeed, fo vehemenr, that 
 my heart could hardly refill its power 
 Between friends,, it has fuftained fome 
 damage from the bright eyes of the 
 
 charming Mils R n, whom I had the 
 
 honour to dance with at the ball The 
 
 coun-
 
 236 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 countefs of Melville attracted all eyes, 
 and the admiration of all prefent She 
 was accompanied by the agreeable mils 
 Grieve, who made many conquefts; nor 
 did my fitter Liddy pafs unnoticed in the 
 aflembly She is become a toaft at Edin- 
 burgh, by the name of the Fair Cam- 
 brian, and has already been the occafion 
 of much wine-fried ; but the poor girl 
 met with an accident at the ball, which 
 has given us great difturbance. 
 
 A young gentleman, the exprefs image 
 of that ralcal Wilfon, went up to a(k her 
 to dance a minuet; and his fudden ap- 
 pearance mocked her fo much, that (he 
 fainted away I call Wilfon a rafcal, be- 
 caufe, if he had been really a gentleman, 
 with honourable intentions, he would 
 have, ere now, appeared in his own cha- 
 racter I muft own, my blood boils with 
 indignation when I think of that fellow's 
 prefumption ; and Heaven confound me 
 if I don't But I won't be fo womanifli as 
 to rail Time will, perhaps, furnifh oc- 
 cafion Thank God, the cauie of Lid. 
 dy's diforder remains a fecret. The lady 
 direclrefs of the ball, thinking (he was 
 overcome by the heat of the place, had 
 her conveyed to another p;o:n, where 
 Ihe foon recovered fo well, as to return 
 
 and
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 237 
 
 and join in the country-dnnces, in which 
 the Scotch hflcs acquit themfclves with 
 fuch fpirit and agiliry, as put their part- 
 ners to the height of their mettle I be- 
 Jieve our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, had en- 
 tertained hopes of being able to do fome 
 execution among the cavaliers at this af- 
 
 fembly She had been feveral days in 
 
 confultation with milliners and mantua- 
 makers, preparing for the occafion, at 
 which (he made her appearance in a lull 
 fuit of damalk, ib thick and heavy, that 
 the fight of it alone, at this feafon of the 
 year, was fufficient to draw drops of fweat 
 from any man of ordinary imagination 
 She danced one minuet with our friend, 
 Mr. Mitchelfon, who favoured her fo far, 
 in the fpirit of hofpitality and politenefs ; 
 and fhe was called out a fecond time by 
 the young kird of Ballymawhawple, who, 
 coming in by accident, could not readily 
 find any other partner ; but as the firft 
 was a married man, and the fecond pay- 
 ed no particular homage to her charms, 
 which were alfo over-looked by the reft 
 of the company, fhe became difiatisfied 
 and cenforious At fupptr, fhe obferved 
 that the Scotch gentlemen made a very 
 good figure, whrn they were a little im- 
 proved by travelling i and therefore it 
 
 was
 
 238 THE EXPEDITION o* 
 
 was pity they did not all take the benefit 
 of going abroad She faid the women 
 were aukward, mafculine creatures; that, 
 in dancing, they lifted their legs like fo 
 many colts j that they had no idea of 
 graceful motion, and put on their clothes 
 in a frightful manner-, but if the truth 
 muft be told, Tabby herfelf was the mod 
 ridiculous figure, and the vvorft drefled 
 of the whole afiembly The neglect of 
 the male fex rendered her malcontent 
 and peevim ; fhe now found fault with 
 every thing at Edinburgh, and teized her 
 brother to leave the place, when me was 
 fuddenly reconciled to it on a religious 
 
 confideration There is a feet of fana- 
 
 ticks, who have feparated themfelves 
 from the eftablifhed kirk, under the name 
 of Seceders They acknowledge no earth- 
 ly head of the church, reject lay-patron- 
 age, and maintain the methodift doctrines 
 of the new birth, the new light, the ef- 
 ficacy of grace, the infufficiency of works, 
 and the operations of the fpirit. Mrs. 
 Tabitha, attended by Humphry Clinker, 
 was introduced to one of their conven- 
 ticles, where they both received much e- 
 dification , and fhe has had the good 
 fortune to come acquainted with a pious 
 Chriftian, called Mr. Moffat, who is very 
 
 powerful
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 239 
 
 powerful in prayer, and often aflifts her 
 in private cxercifes of devotion. 
 
 1 never faw fuch a concourfe of gen- 
 teel company at any races in England, as 
 appeared on the courie of Leith Hard 
 by, in the fields called the Links, the 
 citizens of Edinburgh divert themfelves 
 at a game called golf, in which they ufe 
 a curious kind of bats, tipt with horn, 
 and fmall elaftic balls of leather, fluffed 
 with feathers, rather lefs than tennis 
 balls, but of a much harder confidence 
 This they ftrike with fuch force and 
 dexterity from one hole to another, that 
 they will fly to an incredible diflance. Of 
 this diversion the Scots are fo fond, that 
 when the weather will permit, you may 
 fee a multitude of all ranks, from the fe- 
 nator of juftice to the loweft tradefman, 
 mingled together in their fhirts, and fol- 
 lowing the balls with the utmoft eager- 
 nefs Among others, I was fhewn one 
 particular fet of golfers, the youngeft of 
 
 whom was turned of fourfcore TTiey 
 
 were all gentlemen of independent for- 
 tunes, who had amufed themfelves with 
 this paftime for the btft part of a cen- 
 tury, without having ever felt the lealt 
 alarm from ficknefs or difguft ; and they 
 never went to bed, without having each 
 
 the
 
 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 the beft part of a gallon of claret in his 
 belly. Such uninterrupted exercife, co- 
 operating with the keen air from the 
 fea, muft, without all doubt, keep the 
 appetite always on edge, and fteel the con- 
 ftitution againft all the common attacks 
 of diftemper. 
 
 The Leith races gave occafion to an- 
 other entertainment of a very f ngular na- 
 ture There is at Edinburgh a fociety or 
 corporation of errand-boys, called caw- 
 dies, who ply in the ftreets at night with 
 paper lanthorns, and are very fervice- 
 able in carrying mt/frges Tkfc fellows, 
 though fliabby in their appearance, and 
 rudely familiar in their adcrtfs, are won- 
 derfully acute, and fo noted for fidelity, 
 that there is no inftance of cawdy's hav- 
 ing betrayed his truft - Such is their in- 
 telligence, that they know, not only eve- 
 ry individual of the place, but alfo every 
 ftranger, by that time he has been four 
 and twenty hours in Edinburgh , and no 
 tranfaction, .ven the moft private, can 
 efcape their notice They are particular- 
 ly famous for their dexterity in executing 
 one of the functions of Mercury, though, 
 for my own part I never employed them 
 in this department of bufinefs Had 1 oc- 
 cafion for any fervicc of this nature, my 
 
 own
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 241 
 
 own man Archy M'Alpine, is as well 
 qualified as e'er a cawdie in Edinburgh ; 
 and I am much miftaken, if he has not 
 been heretofore of their fraternity. Be 
 that as it may, ti : ey refolved to give a 
 dinner and a ball at Leith, to which they 
 formally invited all the young noblemen 
 and gentlemen that were at the races ; 
 and this invitation was reinforced by an 
 aflurance that all the celebrated ladies of 
 pleafure would grace the entertainment 
 
 with their company. 1 received a card 
 
 on this occalion, and went thither with 
 
 half a dozen of my acquaintance In a 
 
 large hall the cloth was laid on a long 
 range of tables joined together, and here 
 the company feated themfelves, to the 
 number of about fourfcore, lords, and 
 lairds, and other gentlemen, courtezans 
 and cawdies mingled together, as the 
 flaves and their matters were in the time 
 of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. The 
 toaftmafter, who fat at the upper end, 
 was one Cawdie Frafer, a veteran pimp, 
 diftinguifhed for his humour and fagacity, 
 well known and much refpected in his 
 profciTion by all the guefts, male and fe- 
 male, that were here aflembled. He had 
 belpoke the dinner and the wine : he had 
 VOL, II. M taken
 
 242 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 taken care that all his brethren mould ap- 
 pear in decent apparel and clean linen ; 
 and he himfelf wore a periwig with three 
 
 tails in honour of the feflivaL 1 aflure 
 
 you the banquet was both elegant and 
 plentiful, and feafoned with a thoufand 
 fallies, that promoted a general fpirit of 
 mirth and good humour. After the de- 
 fert, Mr. Frafer propofed the following 
 toafts, which I don't pretend to explain. 
 u The beft in Chriitendom." " Gibb's 
 " contraft." " The beggar's benifon." 
 . King and kirk." "^ Great-Britain 
 *' and Ireland." Then, filling a 
 
 bumper, and turning to me, " Metter 
 *' Malford, (faid he) may a' unkindnds 
 " ceafe betwixt John Bull and his fitter 
 " Moggy-" The next perfon he fingled 
 out, was a nobleman who had been long 
 
 abroad. " Ma lord, (cried Frafer) 
 
 " here is a bumper to a' thofe noblemen 
 " who have virtue enough to fpend their 
 ' rents in their ain countray." He af- 
 terwards addrefTed himfelf to a member 
 of parliament in thefe words : " Meiter 
 I'm fure ye'll ha' nae objection to my 
 " drinking, clifgrace and dule to ilka 
 " Scot, that fells his confcience and his 
 *' vote." He difcharged a third farcafm 
 
 at
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 243 
 
 at a perfon very gaily drefled, who had 
 rifen from fmall beginnings, and made a 
 confiderable fortune at play Filling his 
 glafs, and calling him by name, *' Lang 
 " life (laid he) to the wylie loon that 
 " gangs a- field with a to.om poke at his 
 " lunzie, and comes hame with a fack- 
 
 " ful of filler" All thefe toafts b.ing 
 
 received with loud burfts of applaufe, 
 Mr. Frafcr called for pint glaffes, and 
 filled his own to the brim : then ftanding 
 up, and all his brethren fol. owing his ex- 
 ample, ** Ma lords and gentlemen (cried 
 " he}, here is a cup of thanks for the 
 " great and undeferved honour you have 
 *v done your poor errand-boys this day." 
 So faying, he and they drank off their 
 glatfes in a trice, and quitting their feats, 
 took their ftation each behind one of the 
 other guefts , exclaiming, " Noo we're 
 *' your honours cawdies again." 
 
 The nob eman who had bore the firft 
 brunt of Mr. Prater's fatire, obje&eJ to 
 his abdication. He find, as the company 
 was afTembled by invitation from the 
 cawdies, he expected they were to be en- 
 tertained at their expence. " By no 
 " means, my lord, (cried Frafer) I wad 
 " na be guilty of fie prefumption for the 
 M 2 " wide
 
 244 THE EXPEDITION OF 
 
 *' wide warld I never affronted a gen* 
 " tleman lince I was born , and fure at 
 " this age, I wonnot offer an indignity to 
 ** fie an honourable convention." v * Well 
 " (faid his Lordfhipj as you have expend- 
 ed Tome wit, you have a right to favc 
 your money. You have given me good 
 counfel, and I take it in good part As 
 you have voluntarily quitted your feat, 
 I will take your place with the leave of 
 the good company, and think myfclf 
 happy to be hailed, F&tber *f the Feaft.** 
 He was forthwith elected into the chair, 
 and complimented in a bumper in his new 
 character. 
 
 The claret continued to circulate with- 
 out interruption, till the glades feemed ta 
 dance upon the table, and this, perhaps 
 was a hint to the ladies to call for mufic 
 At eight in the evening the ball began in 
 another apartment : at midnLht we went 
 to Cupper ; but it was broad day before I 
 found the way to my lodgings j and, no 
 doubr, his Lordlhip had a Twinging bill 
 to difcharge. 
 
 In Ihort, I have lived fo riotoufly for 
 fome weeks, that my uncle begins to be 
 al armed on the fcore of my conftitution, 
 and very ferioufly obferves, that all his 
 
 own
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 245 
 
 own infirmi'ies are owing to fuel) excefles 
 indulged in his youth Mrs. Tabitha fays 
 it would be more to the advantage of my 
 ioul as well as body, if, inllead of fre- 
 quenting thefe icencs of debauchery, I 
 would accompany Mr. Moffat and her to- 
 hear a lermon of the reverend Mr. 
 M'Corkindale. Clinker often exhorts 
 me, with a groan, to take care of my 
 precious health , and even Archy M'Al- 
 pine, when he happens to be overtaken,, 
 (which is oftener the cafe than I could 
 wifh) reads me a lon-g lecture upon tem- 
 perance and fobriety ; and is fo very wife 
 and kntentious, that, if I could provide 
 him with a profefibr's chair, I would will- 
 ingly give up the benefit of his admoni- 
 tions and fervice together; for I was tu- 
 tor-fick at alma mater. 
 
 I am not however, fo much engrofled 
 by the gaieties of Edinburgh, but that I 
 find time to make parties in the family 
 way. We have not only feen all the vil- 
 las and villages within ten miles' of the ca- 
 pital, but we have alfo eroded the Firth, 
 which is an arm of the fea feven miles 
 broad, that divides Lothian from the 
 (hire, oiv as the Scots call it, the 
 kingdom of rife. There is a number ot 
 M 3 large
 
 THE EXPEDITION or 
 
 large open Tea-boats that ply on this paf- 
 fage from Leith to Kinghorn, which is a 
 borough on the other fide. In one of 
 thefe our whole family embarked three 
 days ago, excepting my filter, who, being 
 exceedingly fearful of the water, was left 
 to the care of Mrs. Mitchelfon. We had 
 an eafy and quick paflage into Fife, where 
 we vifited a number of poor towns on the 
 lea-fide, including St. Andrew's, which is 
 the fkeleton of a venerable city , but we 
 were much better pleafed with fome noble 
 and elegant feats and caftles, of which 
 there is a great number in that part of 
 Scotland. Yeflerday we took boat agaift 
 on our return to Leith, with fair wind and 
 agreeable weather ; but we had not ad- 
 vanced half-way when the fky was iiid- 
 denly overcail, and the wind changing, 
 blew diredlly in our tteth ; fo that we 
 were obliged to turn, or tack the reft of 
 the way. In a word, the gale increafed 
 to a ilorm of wind and rain, attended with 
 fuch a fog, that we could not fee the 
 town of Leith, to which we were bound, 
 nor even the caftle of Edinburgh, not- 
 whhftanding its high fltuation. It is not 
 to be doubted but that we were all alarm- 
 ed on this occafion. And at the fame 
 
 time,
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER. 247 
 
 time, mod of the paficngers were feized 
 with a naufea that produced violent retch- 
 ings. My aunt defired her brother to 
 order the boatmen to put back to King- 
 horn, and this expedient he actually pro- 
 pofed; but they allured him there was no 
 danger. Mrs. Tabitha finding them ob- 
 Itinate, began to fcold, and infilled upon 
 my uncle's exerting his authority as a 
 jultice of the peace. Sick and peevifh as 
 he was, he could not help laughing at this 
 wife propofal, telling her, that his com- 
 mifllon did not extend fo far, and, if it 
 did, he mould let the people take their 
 own way, for he thought it would be 
 great preemption in him to direct them 
 in the exercife of their own profe(Tion 
 Mrs. Winifred Jenkins made a general 
 clearance with the affiftance of Mr. Hum- 
 phry Clinker, who joined her both in 
 prayer and ejaculation. As he took it for 
 granted that we {hould not be long in this 
 world, he offered fome ipiritual confola- 
 tion to Mrs. Tabitha, who rejected it with 
 great difguft, bidding him keep his fer- 
 mons for thofe who had leiiure to hear 
 fuch nonfenie. My uncle far, collected 
 in himfclf, without fpeaking-, my man 
 Archy had recourfe to a brandy-bottle, 
 with which he made fo free, that I ima- 
 gined
 
 24.8 THE EX P E D I T I ON OF 
 
 gined he had fworn to die of drinking 
 any thing rather than tea-water: but the 
 brandy had no more effect upon him in 
 the way of intoxication, than if it had 
 been fea-water in good earneft. As for 
 myfelf, I was too much engrofied by the 
 ficknefs at my ftomach, to think of any 
 thing elfe. Meanwhile the fea fvvelled 
 mountains high, the boat pitched with 
 fuch violence, as if it had been going to 
 pieces; the cordage rattled, the wind 
 roared ; the lightning fiailied, the thun- 
 der bellowed, and the rain defcended in 
 a deluge Every time the veiTel was put 
 about, we fhip'd a fea that drenched us 
 all to the fkin When, by dint of turn- 
 ing, we thought to have cleared the pier 
 head, we were driven to leeward, and. 
 then the boatmen themielves began to 
 fear that the tide would fail before we 
 fhould fetch up our lee-way: the next 
 trip, however, brought us into fmooth 
 water, and we were fafely landed on the 
 quay, about one o'clock in the afternoon. 
 " To be fure (cried Tabby, when fhe 
 ".found herfelf on terra firma^} we mutt 
 " all have perifhed, if we had not been 
 " the particular care of Providence." 
 ** Yes, (replied my uncle) but I am much 
 " of the honeft Highlander's mind af- 
 
 " ter
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER, 249 
 
 " ter he had made fuch a pafiage as this: 
 " his friend told him he was much in- 
 " debted to Providence-," Certainly, 
 '* (laid Donald) but, by my faul, mon, 
 " I'fe ne'er trouble Providence again, fb 
 
 " long as the brig of Stirling ftands." 
 
 You mult know the brig, or bridge of 
 Stirling, (lands above twenty miles up the 
 river Forth, of which this is the outlet 
 I don't find that our 'fquire has fuffered 
 in his health from this adventure ; but 
 poor Liddy is in a peaking way I'm 
 afraid this unfortunate girl is uneafy in 
 her mind ; and this apprehenfion diftrafls 
 me, for (he is really an amiable creature. 
 
 We fhall fee out to-morrow or next day 
 for Stirling and Glafgow , and we pro- 
 pofe to penetrate a little way into trie 
 Highlands, before we turn our courfe to 
 the Ibuthward In the mean time, com- 
 mend me to all our friends round Carfax, 
 and believe me to be, ever yours, 
 
 Edinburgh, Aug. 8. J. MfiLFORD, 
 
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