32.91 
 A 11-^
 
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 i^jft ■"fewjr-'ji**!.*'-^^
 
 THE 
 
 INFERNAL 
 
 WANDERER, 
 
 ORj THE 
 
 DEVIL 
 
 Ranging upon 
 
 , EARTH 
 
 
 
 LONDON: 
 Printed in the Y ear M DCC IL
 
 ( I ) 
 
 
 THE 
 
 Infernal wanderer. 
 
 R; 
 
 The Devil Ranging upon Earth. 
 
 HE Sable Monarch of the Subterranean Do- 
 minions, having with wonderful y^lacrity re- 
 ceive! the News of the Wars and Confufions 
 which are now on foot among his Chriftian E- 
 nemies in the upper World, hath of late 
 thought fit upon the Joyful Tidings thereof, 
 to proclaim a Jubilee for a whole Year thro' the 
 vaft Extent of his Infernal Territories, his Penal 
 Laws are fufpended for the. Time, his Fire's 
 extinguifh'd, the Furies lay afide their Scorpion Scourges, and a gene- 
 ral CefTation of all Funifhmcnts are gracioufly commanded thro' his 
 Sultry Regions. This favourable Interval having not only given Eafe 
 to the miferable Souls of convided Sinners, but ^Ifo Liberty to their 
 Tormentors, to reft from their Labours, ever Gnce the Fall of vMan; 
 I having been doom'd one of that unhappy Order, was always tooftrift- 
 ly confin'd to inceffant Bufinefs to have Leave or Leilure to travel 
 amongft Human Kind , and view Heavens Favourites in their mor- 
 tal State. But of late being refpited from my Nodurnal Drudgery, 
 I obtain'd a Licenfe to behold the Light and infpeft the Adlions of 
 that Koble Creature, whcf;; Happintfs and Ferfcdions have been long 
 ccclipfed by our envious Fraterniry. . , . . 
 
 ; In order for my Towering flight, I prun'd my pointed Wings, and 
 par'd my Cloven Hoofs, to perform my Jairney upwards with the 
 more Faciliry, then pafling thro", the Avenues of Night, and blunder- 
 ing into Earth's dark Bowc.'s, where nauleous Fumes were labouring 
 for a Vent, and claflimg Rivets met r,nd roar'd hkc Thunder. I cam^j 
 ^t laft to a long narrow Cavern, wl.ich by the Help of pn-lfing Winds 
 behind me , fpcvv'd me out into a WoiLl of Water, where a faint 
 ^igb!: I firft beheld, tint Ihcw'd me various Monftcrs ploughing 
 round me, more te-rible than thofe I kft in the AWM of Milery5' I 
 
 A a m 
 
 726362
 
 ( o 
 
 ftill afcendcd with my utmoft Power, to reach the diftant Surface of this 
 Aqueus Region, where fcaly Princes had their feveral Dominions ; and 
 as I higher chmb'd, the Light more perfed grew, and every Objeft 
 was the more perceptible. In a little time by the Celerity of my Flight I 
 penetrated the profound Ocean, and fhot my felt of a fuddain betwixt 
 Wind and Water, where Mountain Waves were Batt'ling with each 
 other, and every Billow foara'd with aftive fury ; I view'd the diftant 
 Heavens, from whence at firft I fell ; Admir'd their Glory with a deep 
 Remorfe, and Curs'd that Proud Rebellion, which had caft me down 
 from being a Sharer in their Happinefs : I raifed ray felf upon the 
 Wing from the raging Seas, and hover'd in the mighty Space, a tower- 
 ing Height to difcover Land, but kept within the limits of the Grofler 
 Air, le{?by approaching Heaven too near, I fhould provoke the Higheft 
 Power to Remand me back to Punifhment. 
 
 At laft my Eyes beheld the wifh'd for Sight,but fome parts feem'd foSun- 
 dry'd, Deiblate, and Barren, thai I was unwilling to defcend upon Terrs 
 firms till I had flown round the Globe and taken a general View of the 
 whole Earth, that I might chufe to fpend the Time my Mafter had 
 fpar'd me, in the moft pleafant, populous and wealthy Country, where an 
 Infernal Stranger was moft likely to enjoy the greateft Luxury, and 
 meet with the moft agreeable Converlation. Of all the Nations I be- 
 held beneath me, none for the Fertility of its Soil, the Sumptioufnefs 
 of its Cities, the Number of its People, and the Pleafantnefs of its Cli- 
 mate, feem'd able to compare with a little Ifland I difcover'd to be 
 England^ whofe Beautiful out- fide foon tempted me to defcend ; and al- 
 ways being us"d to much Company, I have chofcn the molt Popu- 
 lous City to refide in ; and becaufe I am a merry Devil, that has no« 
 thing elfe to do but to pleafe my felf with fuch Pranks as ray 
 Fancy moft leads me to, and having the Advantage of fpiritual Eyes, and 
 an invifible Form to pry into the Intrigues of others, as well as to 
 manage my own ; whilft I remain among Mortals, I fhall give thera 
 an Account once in a Month of fuch Adventures and Occurrences , 
 as I hope will tend to the publick Diverfion of the Town. To which 
 J n-jall proceed. 
 
 When firft my invifible Form defcended into L(jWo«-Streets , the 
 Beauty of Mankind, and Statelinefs of their Earthly Habitations, appear'd 
 to me like a delightful Paradife Inhabited by Angels, that I gaiz'd around 
 me with wonderful S'tisfaftion, and almoft thoughtmy felf reftor'd to my 
 Primitive State of Happinefs, but having yet no more than a fuperficial 
 Glance of thefe Heavenly Images, I thought it neceffary for my better 
 Information to take the firft Opportunity that happen'd in my way, 
 of Examining the infideof fome of thele Felicitous Mortals, whoappear'd 
 outwardly to be all Amity and Innocence. As I was thus ruminating with 
 my felf, and gliding along the Pav'd Stones in tiie City, I happen'd to 
 ftumble upon a grave looking Gentleman about the Age of Fourty, 
 who ftood' Gapin;^ up towards the Heavens to guels the Hour by the 
 Sun, I popp"d i.ito his Mouth as his lower Jaw hung lofc, and crept 
 into his Confcience, where I found at leaft Three hundred of my In- 
 fernal Aquaintancc Laughinjz, and as merry as fo many Bantering 
 Devils in an Aver niuri Cave, when they have Trepan'd a Saint into their 
 tinlucky Company ; in the N^ame of Lucifer. Said f, How came fuch a 
 duller of you here, within thcfc lully'd Confines? You fwarm as if 
 
 you
 
 (3) 
 
 you had a Mind to make a Bee-Hive of a Man's Confcience. Poh? 
 poh, reply's (bme of them, you fee the Barn's big enough to hold as 
 many more upon Occafion. We keep our Revels here fix Days in the 
 Week; and if you will bear us Company till to Morrow, you will 
 find we have Work enough, I'll warrant you. I took their Advice, 
 and thought it the beft way to continue in good Quarters , which I 
 had not been poflfeft of long, but he carry 'd us about the City from 
 Coffee-houfe to CofFee-houfe, and bunted after News upon the Taking 
 of Cafehvaert^ like a Hog after Apples in a high Wind ; whilft we 
 rid as fnug in the good Man's Bofbm, as (b many hundred of Pears in 
 a Hawker's Wheel Barrow, the' he knew well enough v/e were there 
 yet he was very tender of difturbingus with Religious Thoughts or Hea- 
 venly Meditations, becaufe he found we always had a fpecial Re- 
 gard to his worldly Intereft ; to which, and a few private Vices, as 
 ray Brethren inform'd me he had facrific'd both Soul and Body; befides 
 he wifely confider'd we his Bofom Friends had as greet a Kindnefs for 
 good Thoughts, as the Devil has for holy Water. When he had addled his 
 Brains with a general Survey of all the News Papers, and ftuft his 
 Memory with the Articles of the Surrender, commended the Dutch for 
 their Politicks, the Ger//;a»s for their Courage, and branded the French 
 King with half a Dozen Mouthfuls of Infamy ; He knocks out the Afhes 
 of his Tobacco, rences the Soot out of his Chimney with a Difhful 
 of Mahometifmt bids the laft Coffee houfe good Night, and fo to his 
 Lodgings, where, after he had cheated the Creator with a long di{^ 
 ftmbling Prayer, and correfted the Crudities of his Stomach with about half 
 a Pint of Salubrious AW/, which always waited his leifure by his Bed- 
 fide ; He fubmitted himfelf to his Pillow, and compos'd himfelf to 
 fleep, whilft we crept up aud down the Fibres of his Brains , like 
 Saylors about the Rigging of a Ship in bad Weather , and made him 
 dream of Money, Women, Wine, and all the vicious Delights imagi- 
 nable, that might raife loofe Appetites, and incline him to be wicked 
 in the Morning ; Thus we operated upon his wakeful Imagination, 
 tho* he was fleeping, and skipt as merrily about his BrainS, as if the 
 Devil had kept a Dancing School in his Skull } when he awak'd in the 
 Morning he found Nature was on Tit-up, and notwithftanding it w.is 
 Sunday^ his Thoughts were full wicked enough without our further A'l- 
 fiftance 5 when he had open'd his Eyes, then he open'd his Moutl7, 
 his Words were Spiritual, -but his Thoughts were Flefhiy ; and tho" 
 he lay upon his Back, yet he pray'd Handing, and thank'd Providence 
 that he found his Body in fo healthful a Condition ; up he got, drank 
 a Dram, then Dreft, and covering his Infirmities with a Sable Cloak, 
 he hurry 'd us away thro' a Parcel of Alley's, and brought us at laft to a 
 Wooden Tabernacle, where he skip'd up into a little Prattle Box, and there 
 we left him and crept into the Ears of his Female Audiende, for to one Man 
 there were ten Women. 'Twas my Fortune to pop into a pretty 
 Widow, who I found pray'd heartily in her Thoughts that flie mir;hc 
 keep her Reputation in the Eyes of the World, for that i good 
 Name was better than precious Ointment. The Mafter of this Reli- 
 gious School, when afcended up into his little elevated Pinfold, ahcrfcrew- 
 ing his natural Countenance into a terrible Afpeft, and groaning out about 
 half a:) Hour's Ex temj>ore Precation, he fell a Raving againft Epifco- 
 pacy, Pluralities, Infant- liaptifm, and the like; then threatning the.at- 
 
 B rlntive
 
 (4) 
 
 tentive Crowd with Damnation, and comforting them up again with 
 tl)e Cordial of Salvation, he concluded with an after Grace, and fo 
 the People difperb'd. I being got fafe into the Widow's warm Bofom, 
 was unwilling to quit my delightful Quarters , fo bore her Company 
 Home, having t!ie whole Poffcilion of her Confcicnce as well as Con- 
 cupiieence ; my lelf, for one Devil, you muft know, can do more with 
 one Widow than twenty can do with a Chart Virgin, or an honeft 
 Wife. By that time flie was got to her Lodgings, I had ranfack'd her 
 Brains, but found not one Word of her Teacher's Admonitions remain- 
 ing in her Memory ; from wlieccc I foref?w I fhould have but little 
 Trouble to bring her to any Compliance; file rerir'd to her Chamber 
 with abundance of (eeming Devotion: but all her Evenings Thankfgive-* 
 ings were, that Death had taken away her firft Husband, and alt htf 
 Pryyers were, that Heaven would fend her a kind Second ; a*ter fhc had 
 refrcfh'd Nature with a Supper, her M;id affifted her to Bed ; ao<? 
 all the Night long file dream d of nothiiig but the good Man !icir 
 Teacher. Thought I, here muft: be fomcthing extraordinary - th^ 
 Matter, which I am refolv'd I'll difcovcr before I part with ycu. 17^. 
 Qn which I transform'd my felf into a Flea, benibbli' g lie- ■R— -S 
 to fomc purpofe, and every time fhe Icratch'd where it Itch'd, ui r 
 Cry was, O ! Now for a good Bedfellow. Thus I tormented her all 
 Night, and made her play with her Fingers upon her Backfide, as if 
 her Mufical Bum had been a Pair of Virginals. She had not been 
 up above an Hour in the Morning, but who fhould make her a Vi- 
 fit to give her a little Chriftian Confolation , but the Paftor of the 
 Flock ; upon which the Maid knowing fhe was now entitled to a ho- 
 ly Day, ask'd Leave to go fee the Lions in the Tower, whicli was 
 prefently granted her without any Objedtion. No fboner was the Girl 
 difpatch'd, bmiho. Afjabaftift iather laid afide his upper Garment, be- 
 caufe he would not threm in his Cloak, and began to be fo bufie 
 about his Buxfome Daughter, that I found they were both wickedly 
 inclin'd enough without my further Influence ; So that tho' I was a 
 Devil hearing, 'twas a Scandalous Office ; I flew out at the Cham- 
 ber thro' a broken Pane of Glafs, to avoid the (lander of Pimping. 
 
 Thus bolting thro' the Window, delcending again into the Street, 
 I happen'd to tumble into an Old Woman's Basket, who was Cry- 
 ing of Mutton Pyes hot, hot, hot ; flie never felt me , for you muft 
 know, we Spirits are no more pondrous than a Rabit's Scut. I foon 
 crept under the Cloth that cover'd her Ware, for the Benefit of the 
 Warmth; for always giving in a hot Country, in thele cold Regions, I 
 found my felf a little Chilly ; I therefore div'd into one of the Three 
 Penny Confines, thro' the Hole where they pour in the Gravy, and 
 there lay fwaddled up in my Dough back'd Manfion among fat Rumps 
 and lean Kidneys , as warm as a Cricket in a Baker's Oven. I had 
 not been there above Three Minutes , but a Journeyman Shoemaker 
 popping his Leather-bound Noddle out of a Garret Window at tiie Cor-, 
 iier of St. Martinsy Call'd Pyes ; upon which tlie Woman ftopr till her 
 Cuftomer came down Stairs to examine her Wicker Paftry Shop. T 
 refolv'd whoever bought my Pallace, fliould have the Dvvil of a Bar- 
 gain; but he happen'd to mifs my Tenement, and chofe another: So 
 ilie mov'd on Crying her Ware , till fhe came to the Entrance of an 
 Alley that went into Paul's Church-Yard, about the Middle of which' 
 
 Place,
 
 ( o 
 
 Place, three or four hungry Mantua-Makers peep'd out two Pair of Stairs 
 high, all looking as fharp as if they had juft been Contriving how to Cab- 
 bage Purfes and Pin-Cufhions out of their Cuftomers Gowns and P^;t- 
 ticoats : They all Squaul'd out after their old Pjie Woman, likefo many Fu- 
 ries, as if they thought themfelves in Danger , had file gone by , of 
 loofing their Dinners. Thelealfo happen'd to efcape me, tho' the PisiJe- 
 Waftcd Cormorants thinn'd the Basket wonderfully. At laft Stroling 
 along rill fhe came to Lndgate Prifon ; a Broken Shopkeeper, who was 
 in for D^br, chanc'd to prove my Purchafer. Dov/n I went with the 
 very firft Mouthful, and finding him within fide fuch a poor, empty 
 honeft Fellow, I did not wonder that he had brought himfelf into (o un- 
 happy a Condition ; his Brains were as foft as Silk, for i found his ThotigJits 
 run upon nothing but Bengals and Perfians, by which I difcover'd he 
 was an unfortunate Mercer, who had loft his own Credit by Trufting 
 of Quality. I ftept up into his Eyes, on purpofe to peep about me, 
 and faw my felf furrounded by fuch a Crowd of Smoak'ddry'd Mor- 
 tals, that I was quite amaz'd ; Some wrapt up in Ragged Gowns, old 
 Fuftion Frocks, and Greafy Coats, Pinn'd on before 'with Scev/ers in- 
 ftead of Buttons, others covering their uncomb'd Heads with Brimlefs 
 Hats, or Napkin Night-Caps dy'd with Mundungus Fumes, of a Saf- 
 fron Colour, their Breaths ftinking when they ipcke, fo ftrong of 
 Nafty Oronokaj as if their Stomachs had been Kilns to burn foul Pipes, 
 and their Throats the Chimneys to convey away the Smoak. This place 
 I thought as bad as Hell it feif, and the Inhabitants lb ffrange- 
 ly disfigur'd, that they look'd as frightful as Devils. I had quickly 
 enough of this Sort of Company ; for I found moft of 'em as wicked 
 as my lelf, and therefore had little need of a Temptator. Upon which 
 I jump'd thro' the Grate of the Begging Window under the Arch, 
 and chanc'd to fall thro' the Chink into the Prifoners Money-Box , but 
 found it fo empty that I could not forbear thinking, if any thing damn'd 
 this Magnificent City, it muft be the want of Charity. . I thought ic 
 a great Diflionour for (o Generous a Spirit as a Devil to be caught 
 Picking of the Poor's Bjx, fo made as quick a Repaflage as I could 
 "into the open Air, left fome Liberal Do£lor of the holy Law fliould 
 have ftopt up the Cranny with a Crown Piece, and have pounded my 
 Devilihip within the Iron Area ; but have fince found I was more at'-- 
 fraid than Hurt, for that the Ciiarity of the Church loves Home fo 
 well, ic feldom comes abroad a Vifiting. 
 
 Having often heard in our Smoaky Territories that Wine was the 
 beft Friend King Liiciftr had in the upper World, I had a great defirc 
 to fee what fort of Temptation this was, that the Generality of Man-- 
 kind were fo much bewitch'd to. Accordingly to oblige my felf, I 
 Skip'd into the next Tavern, trip'd up Stairs after a Drawer, who lit^ 
 lie thought the Devil was behind him, follow'd him into a Room, 
 where a Parcel of Inebrious Mortals had encompafs'd a round Table, 
 and were fo warmly cngag'd in a Controvcrfy about Religion, that 
 they were ready to enter into a holy War, to decide by Blows, what 
 by the force of Words they were unable to determine. I found them 
 Cich devout Chriftians for all they were Drunkards, that no man wouldj. 
 take off his Wine till he had ianftify'd his Juice with a Canonic^! 
 Health, for moft of them had put themfelves in a Staggering Condi- 
 tion.
 
 (6) 
 
 tion, by too often repeating their good Willies to tiic Church and the 
 /\rch f3iI"hop o^ Canter iury. What a Whimfical Creature, thought I, 
 IS Man; how ridiculous, vain, and lull ol Contradiftion, who thinks 
 ro cheat ihc Devil by cxprtffing moft Reverence to Religion, when he 
 is moft derogating from the Prafticeofit; as if committing Evil in the 
 Name of Goodnefs, would extenuate the Crime, and make a finful Free- 
 dom ar-dExcefs pafs for a Generous Declaration of his Chriflian Principles. I 
 found my Mafter, Satan was iikdy to have a very good Share of thefc 
 Sort of Chriftians, who h^d every one as many Devils at his Elbow, 
 as a Prince has Flatterers. 'They ftem'd miglity Churchmen over their 
 Wine, tho' they never thought of Religion when they were at Church, 
 and llldom thought of the Church, but when they were in a Tavern. 
 
 I left tliem together in the height of their Devotion, Carcuzing of 
 Bump.rs to the Advancement of the EngUflj Faith, anddefcendcd into the 
 Cellar, that I might pry a little into the Myftery of Sophiftication, 
 where I found a Couple of drunken Drawers at a Hogfhead of rich 
 French Wine, drinking two Bumpers in a Hand, a Health firft to Jolly 
 Bacchus, then to the Beft in Chriftendom. I was mightily plsas'd wuh 
 this ('usky Laborynih of good Liquor; it look'd lb much like fome of 
 our Low-Country Habitations, being under Ground, that I could not 
 forbear thinking it my Mafter Lucifer's Library for Pipes, Hogfheads, 
 and Puncheons lay rang'd like Folto\ Qjiartos and Ociavo'Sy and Cream 
 Cheefe lay Pil'd upon hanging Shelves , inftead of Manulcriptsj it would 
 prove an excellent Nurfery to bring up young Poets in, for if Wine, 
 as fome Mortals believe, by caufing a Jingling in the Brains, brought 
 Rhiming firfl into Fafhion ; the very Air that's contained in this Subte- 
 ranean Coney-burrow, is enough to put the greatef^ BlockHead in Town 
 into a Verfifying Condition : I turn'd into one little Cellar where a parcel of 
 B.ats were gather'd together upon a piece of white Mufcadine, and opening 
 the Vent with their Teeth, let one another down by their Tails to Tipple, 
 taking it by turns, till they got fo Drunk that fome of them let go 
 their hold and Drown'd fevcral of their Companions : I turn'd out of 
 this into a large Vault, which Stunk fo confoundedly of rotten Apples 
 that I fancy'd my felf in Hereford/hire at the latter end of Autumn^ 
 when every Farmers Family are labouring at the Cyder-Prefs 5 with- 
 in this Arched Cavern were, two or three bulky Wine Spoilers at work, 
 Crane, Forcer, Eggs, Apple-juice and Oyfterfhels, all bufijy imploy'd a- 
 bout mending of bad Wines, and confounding of good ones; 
 
 I left them bedevilins'^ their imperfeft Juices and preparing an Adulterous 
 Potion toCouzen Mankind out of theirHealth and Money,and return'd again 
 into the open Street, where juft before a Vintner's door near Fleet-Bridgey 
 *a Croud of People, were liftning and laughing at a merry Ballad, and an 
 Oyfter Wench Scolding and Raving at the Ballad-Singers, as if more De- 
 vils had poiTeft her than was at the drowning of the Herd ; the Sub- 
 jeft of the Song I foon found was an Intrigue between Mils Open-Oy- 
 iter and the Vintner at whofe door fhe had the liberty of letting her 
 7'ubs, and opening her Commodity, and bccaufe the whole Town fliould 
 be as well diverted as my (elf I have here recited the Song for the Jefts 
 fake, for we unlucky Spirits upon wagifh occafions, have the Devil of a 
 Memory^
 
 (i) 
 
 A Merry New Song, call'd, The CompAny I(/iocks hehinA the Bar, or j 
 
 /^ Tavern Chair will Carry Double* 
 
 AS Oyfter Nan flood by her Tub, 
 To fljerv her Vicious Imlinatiorff 
 She gave her Noblefi Parts a Scrubs 
 And Sighed for tpant of Copulation. 
 
 .-; A Vititnery of no little Fame, 
 
 Who exc'llent Red or White can fell ye. 
 
 Beheld the little Dirty Dame 
 
 As {be flood fcratching of her Belly. 
 
 Come in, fays he, yon filly Slut, 
 Tis now A rare convenient Minute, 
 VU lay the Itching of your Scut 
 Except fome greedy Devil be in it, - • 
 
 With that, the flat Cafd Phubfy fwil'd, ; . 
 
 And would have Blufh'd, but that (he could not > 
 
 Alas ! fays fhe, we're foon beguiled 
 
 By Men, to do thofe things we fijoud not. 
 
 Irom Door, they went behind the Bar, 
 
 As 'tis by common Fame reported, .".'•' 
 
 And their, upon a Turkey Chair, 
 
 IJnfeen, the Loving Confle Sported. 
 
 n 
 
 But being caS d by Company, 
 
 As he was taking Pains to pleafe her, 
 
 I'm Coming, coming. Sir, fays he, -' 
 
 My Dear, And fo ant I, fays Jhe, Sir. 
 
 Her Mole-htll Belly fweU'd about. 
 Into i Mountain quickly after. 
 And when the pretty Moufe crept out. 
 The Creature causd a mighty Laughter. 
 
 And now jbe'as learn d the pie aft ng Game^ 
 Alt ho' much Pain and Shame it coH her. 
 She daily ventures dt the fame. 
 And ffjuts and opens like an Oyjler. 
 
 The Baliad being ended, Ibeftir'd niycloven Stumps, and mo\^'d for* 
 ward on the left Hand fide"of the way till I came to a Goldfrnitha 
 Shop, where tjie Metal ot difTenfion, that fets the World at Variance, 
 Contaminates" tiie Palms of great Men, Corrupts the Church with Si- 
 mony, the Law with Kribery, Frkndfliip with Intereft, and makes 
 I.aw Mercenary, ftood behind Glafs Safhcs ; mquldcd into (undry Forms 
 tb pleafe various Fancies of Mankind, and dckide them into a rhi- 
 ftalicn. Worfliip of the glittering IdcJ. TIic MaHcr of rlie ungodly
 
 ( 8 ) 
 
 Mammon was at Dinner with his bundle of Rue, in a Httle back Par- 
 Joui, vWiofe folJi<J(^ Doors were Carv'd and Gilc, and made as Gaudy 
 as the Captain's Cabbin in a King s Frigate; an unlucky poor Scourt- 
 drel coining by in the Interim, whofc ridiculous Behaviour render'd 
 him between Fool and Madman, peeping thro* the Shop and feeing 
 the loving Couple refrelhing Nature at their plentiful Table, at 
 which his hungry Stomach would have been glad to have been Shar- 
 er; partly, as I imagine, thro' Envy, and partly thro' Simplicity, he 
 cry'd out to the Goldfmith, in an audible Voice, Bo peep, you old 
 Cuckold, I fee your Horns ; then turn'd his Tone to God b!efs you. No- 
 ble AUjhr and Mijlrifs, give a poor Rogue a CruH : The Gall 'd Horfe 
 being touch'd, foon winch'd, and rifing from his Table in a great 
 Padion, bolted forward to the Siiop door, witli his Knite in one Hand 
 and Forck in the other, as if he was coming to Didft the poor 
 ciafy O.fendur for his intolerable Infolence, but governing his Heat 
 with DKcretion, inftead of any unbecoming Violence, he exprefsM 
 liimlelf in thefe Words: Tot* miftake the Shop, you Vagabond Rafcaly 
 yon Jbould have gone and pUy'd at Bo peep. Cuckold, with my Neighbour 
 at t'>e next Tavern, and then you had put the Saddle np»» the right 
 Horfe. 
 
 My Spiritual Form trip'd forward upon the pav'd Stones, like an 
 Ignis Fatiius, crofs a foggy Marfli, till I came to a Church, over-againft 
 which, liv'd a parcel of Calves- leather Mortals, who had done our 
 Infernal Kingdom as much good by Printing, as ever was done by 
 Preaching, which we have always look'd upon to be the two main 
 Supporters of Lucifer's Intereft amongft Mankind : Thefe Venders of 
 Tro and Con^ who by a fubtil Tranfmutation turn the Chimeras of 
 pregnant Brains into a fblid Subftance, I found lov'd to hover aboot 
 the Church, as Rooks about the Steeple, but whether or no they 
 make the old Proverb good, The nearer the Church the farther from 
 God, I will not prefume to determine; juft before their Doors were 
 Congregated a large Family of French Proteftants who look'd as if 
 they were juft Landed, being diftinguifh'd by all the marks of Pover- 
 ty and Dilfrefs imaginable, before they had chang'd their Wooden 
 Slippers into Neats-Leather Shoes, or fatted their fun-dry 'd Skeletons 
 with Englijh Bounty ; they all made a halt, and ftood gazing and 
 flaring up at the wooden Time-fervers of St. D)in/l ans Chmch, wait* 
 ing the leifure of the two llnfelefs Logger-Heads to perform their 
 quarterly Duty : The Poor being the peculiar Care of God's Provi- 
 dence, I being a Devil, had nothing to do among them, fo I ihun'd 
 their Company, as tbofe do who are afraid of being Loufy ; and 
 mounting my lelf a few yards from the Ground, I pearch'd upon 
 Times Rcgiftcr, the Dial, where I la: and over- look'd the Paflengers 
 with abundance of Delight, and fee the bufy Muck woiras crawling in 
 Crouds upon the Eaith, labouring to perform that incelFant Slavery 
 which their inordinate defire ot" Riches has trapan'd them into, and 
 entail'd upon unhappy Mortals from Generation to Generation ; I had 
 not been there two Minutes, but a couple of Lazy Devils, negligent of 
 their Mailer's Bulincls in this World, poffeft thenifelves of the two 
 ftriking Block- Heads, becaule they bore human Shape, and fancying 
 
 thcmfclves to be Mortals, they aflfum'd the Names of i^cjip^f/; and /Cf'''/> 
 and bti^aii to Dialogue wich one another after the following manner. 
 
 J
 
 (9) 
 
 v^ Dialogue between the Two Loggerheads at 
 St. Dunftan's Church 
 
 '■ Kjmf. Pii'chec Brotlier Bowden, let's have a little Talk together, we 
 have flood above tfiele Twenty years as filent as a Couple of over-grown 
 Mandrakes cut cue of Brianny Roots, only our Heads and Arms move 
 juft as often as the Clock pleafes ; and I know no Reafon , but like o- 
 ther Blockheads, we fhould take the Liberty of Wagging our Tongues 
 a little. •* 
 
 Bowien. Hufh, hufh, Partner Kjmp, whatever you do, don't talk (b 
 loud of our being Blockheads, for if the Bookfellers on the other fide of 
 the way fljould happen to over-hear us who knows but they may Peti- 
 tion the Parifh to make Authors of*us; and in my Opinion, we had 
 much better deal in our old Commodity, and ferve it out to the People 
 as Cliaundlers do their Butter and Cheefe to the Poor, that is by the 
 Quartan. But pri'thee Brother K^mp, now our Mouths are open, what 
 is it we (hall talk on ; for having not Ipoke a long time, 'twil! be ex- 
 pelled now we have broke our Twenty years Silence, we Ihould fay fome- 
 thing to the Purpofe. 
 
 Kj!«*f' Confidering we are pofted in the High Street of the Town, 
 the variety of Paffengers is fufficient to afford us Matter enough to 
 Talk on ; befides you have the City juft at your Back, and I have the 
 Court at mine ; an Inns of Court of one fide of us, and a Church on 
 the other, and the Devil's in it, if we can want a Subjed for an Hours 
 Tittle Tattle. 
 
 Bmden. You lay well ; but pray tell me what Thoughts you entertain 
 of thofe Places you have mention'd. What have you heard People fay 
 of 'em as they've been palSng by, perhaps your Attention and Obfervation 
 has been greater than mine. 
 
 Kjmf, I muft confefs I have heard feme Paffengers fay the City is 
 corrupted with Fraud and Extortion ; 'the Court with Flattery and Bri- 
 bery ; the Laws with Ignorance and Favour, and the Church with Co- 
 vetoufiiefs and Simony. 
 
 Bowdet)', Be careful Brother Kjmpy of what you fay againft the Church ; 
 Don't you tee there is a Welch Bifhop going by in a plain Coach, his 
 Servants in Purple Livery ; if he fliould hear you fcandalize the Cler- 
 gy with Simony, he would fo fpiritualize your Jacket for you , that 
 he'd foon make you hold your Prating. 
 
 Kjmf. Na, na, if it be dangerous, I'll e'en leave off when I am well, 
 for a little unlcafonable Talk will ferve to bring a Man into Trouble, 
 when a Volume of good Words won't fetch him out again. 
 
 Bowden. That's very true ; but pri'thee take Notice of yonder Loobily 
 Porter, I obfcrve he has ftood there half a Quarter oi an Hour with a 
 heavy Burthen upon his Back, waiting, as 1 fuppofe , to tee us llrike 
 the Quarte'S. That a great Fellow fliould be Iqch a Fool lo niakc his 
 Shouldtrs do all that Penance, to fee us wag our Loggerheads at one 
 another, is a Wonder to me; but no body can imagine what unac- 
 countable Fools this populous Town affords. 
 
 Kf>.'!j>* Do but mind the Two Gentile young Fellows, wb.o Hand juft 
 by him, they are Gazing and Simpering at fo!net'.in[2, iod I cannot 
 
 conceive
 
 conceive what, their Eyes feem not to be direfted up towards os, bbt 
 to fome body beneath us. 
 
 Borvden. Now I rccollea my Telf, I believe I can tell you who it is 
 they are looking and laughing at ; you muft know, in a little Hutt juft 
 u ider us, there is a Jolly, brisk Girl, who has, as it is reported, a 
 Squirrel as black as her llye-brows, which produces for its Ornament 
 fuch a wonderful Quantity of Hair, and of fo prodigious a Length, that 
 her Husband being a great Angler, Clips the poor Creature once a Year 
 to make Fifhing Lines of its Pcrriwig- I fancy thofe merry Blades are 
 looking at the Woman, and pleafmg themfelves with a Thought of what 
 a C irious Pair of Straps he has to draw on his Boots when he is bent 
 upon a Joiirney. 
 
 As they were thus Talking, Time, who will ftay for no body, call- 
 ing them to their Bufinels, they were fore d to break off abruptly, and fall to 
 d'. ubbing their httle Bells with theirMercuhan Truncheonstill they had ham- 
 ir.er'd our theQ^Mrters, during theMoment they were performing which,the 
 So>s looiving up, cry'd out. Now Bowden, now Kfmf\ Well ftruck 
 Mr. Boivden, biavely knock'd Mv.K,emp:, which two Names, upon en- 
 quiry, I found were deriv'd from the Two Churchwardens, who, to 
 eternalize their Memories, hadAdorn'd theirParifh-Church, at the Poor's Ex- 
 pencc, with this notable piece of Clock-work. Upon which the Parifb, 
 in Gratitude to the r Officers, who had been fo Generous, conferr'd the 
 Names of their Cliurch wardens upon their Wooden Reprefentatives, that 
 as long as the Two Loggerheads endure, the Fame of thofe who fet 'etu 
 up, may never be obliterated. 
 
 I quitted my Perch, being quite tir'd to hear a Couple of fenfelels 
 Logs talk iNonrenft by the Power of two whimfical Spirits, who for 
 want of better Bufinefs would play a fmallGame, rather than ftand out; 
 And mounting my felf in the Air like any wild Goole, I flew over'the 
 Tops of the Houfes a little way, and happened to fettle again upon Ter- 
 ra firma, in a very populous Part of the Town, call'd Chancery Une, 
 where at the Mouth of a dark Thorow-fair, I fee fuch a Parcel of bufy 
 Mortals, Skipping backwards and forwards, buzzing to one another as 
 they came in and out, like fo many wing'd Labourers belonging to a 
 Bee- Hive. I fqueez'd my Immortality thro' the Chattering Crowd, and 
 came into a tenebrious Cloifter, where at the Bottom of a large Pair of 
 Stairs, I law a Brother Devil spreading a Net, as Bufily, as if he had 
 been turn'd Bird- Catcher. Pri'thce lionell Brother, faid I, what art 
 thou going to do here. Hudi, hufli, fays he, be but a little fijent, and you 
 fliall lee Dl have a Six Clerk prefchtly- You had as good, faid I, take the 
 whole Half Dozen, when your hand is in, and the reft of the Clerks 
 in the Office will be very much oblig'd to you. All in good time, quoth 
 Brother Nicolas^ and then the reft may afford to be more wicked; for Vice is 
 now grown lb dear, that none can praflice it but thofe who have full 
 Pockets ; fb chat of late I can get none into my Clutches under a high 
 Sheriff' of a County, or a Jufliceof Peace at lealf. 
 
 After thus much Talk with the old Devil, 1 flip'd up into the Office 
 of Iniquity, where I found a Sepiglnt of Chancery Hawks, Mew'd up as 
 ck)fe in their little Scnbling Conveniencies, as fo many Green Geele Coop'd 
 up in a Poulterers Shop. Scne old Sages there were,but many young Liber- 
 tines. So that Grav ity (at rank'd with Giddy Brains, like antient Dtvimty and 
 Modern Plays \\\ a young Parlbii's Library, Thofe amongfl 'em who 
 
 were
 
 ( IX 
 
 > • 
 
 were mod Rich, feem'd by their Apparel to be moft Needy j and thole 
 who had leaft to do, feem'd by their Hurry to be moft Bufy. Some with 
 Pauper Cliencs at their Elbows, lat yawning over their Papers, like a 
 Taylor over a Creditor's Suit that's woiking tor a dead Horft. Whilft 
 fome, putting their Hands in their Pockets, fat curling the Stamp , and 
 others the Subfana Office ; the Oldeft and the Wileft look'd as fubtle in 
 theii Holes as fo many Foxes, cxpreffingasmuch Thought in their Coun- 
 tenances, as if they were Frojefting a New Method of Cozening their 
 Clients, or Cheating their Six Clerk of his Fees. Vintners and Taylors 
 flovvM in much lafter than good Clients , not about Bufinefs in the 
 Court, but for fome Arrears due from the laft Long Vacation ; many 
 Impur I unities I oblerv'd were us'd on all fides, but more for the Pay- 
 ment of old Debts than for the Difpatch of Bufinefs; of all forts of 
 Clients who had recourfe to the Office, Women were the moft Trou- 
 blefome, fome of 'em befng as great a Plague to the Office as a Pole- 
 Cat is to a Coney- Borrough ; A Parfer Client, I took Notice, might be 
 eafily diftinguifli'd from the reft by !u!i Afpeft, which was fo Stigmatiz'd 
 by the Ncgltd of his Bufinefs, that he look'd as Meagre, Vex'd, and 
 Hagg'd, as a Horn-Mad Cucjcold who had caught his Wile in Adultery, 
 or an Old Country Wizard, that has^ nine Devils to fuck hitn. 
 
 From thence, moving farther, I came to a Seat where one of the 
 Scribes was quarreling; with his Clerk for Snuffling like his Mafter; 
 laying. That he did ic on purpofe to mock him : Indeed, Sir, not I, re* 
 ply'd the Clerk, for my Father Snuffled before me, and a!) the Parilh 
 where I was Born, can Teftify I have been a Snuffltr from myCradle ; WeU, 
 Sirrah, fays the Mafter, pray hold your Tongue th.en, if you cannot help 
 your Snuffling, for I don't love to hear every Blockhead troubled 
 with ray Impediment, From thence I came to a Seat where a Finikin 
 young Blade who lat ruffling of his Papers and rattling of his Pens, 
 as if he had more Bufinefs than half the Office; but upon farther 
 ExamJnation I found he had but one Client, and healiog-Man at 
 HoBoway, who forc'd him to take his Fees out in Saufages and BLtch 
 PuddiKgS' The next Ctericus in Curia I came to, was the Blunderbufs 
 of the Office, who was ChargVi witfi Latin Scraps up to the very 
 Muzzle; A Stranger did but lock him in the Facr, and he gave a Flafli in the 
 Pan at him prefently, fo that he thought it tlie belt way to move 
 off, for fear he fhould have been Shot in tiie Ear with fcrne crab- 
 bed Phiafe OMtoi Horace or Lucretius would have puzzled a Grammarian. 
 As I W2S thus walking my Rounds, up comes a Brother of the 
 Quill, belonging to the Office , who no fooner made his Entrance 
 amongftthe equitable Fraternity, but up ftartcd every one in his Seat, 
 like a Jack in a Box, crying out Legit aut non Legit ; To wiiich they 
 anfwer'd themfelves, Non legit^ my Lord ; the bafliful Clertctts, at whom 
 the whole Office had levell'd their Irony, being Confcious of his own 
 Failing, fneak'd again down Stairs, as much afham'd as a poor Cur that 
 had fcino'd his Crupper ; and as fcon as h,e was got cur of Sigiit of 
 his fellow Sinners, he let up hisHetl5,8s if his Pojleriors had been in a Clcft- 
 ftick, and ran to the Rolls Tavern, to embolden I.imfclf with a Flask or 
 Two of Claret, that he mi^ht be the better able t>i bear with thofc Re- 
 flcdions, wliich his Modefty, [JL prefume) in Court, and not his I^^norance, 
 had occafion'd to be thrown upon him. As I walk'd my Rounds about 
 the OJJicef I happen'd to coitie to the Seat of an old Sophifter, who lob- 
 
 .t> frry'd;
 
 ► (12) 
 
 ferv'd, Nick-nam'd every. body that came near him with the Name of 
 Tom. ' A Noitli Country Fellow waiting for fomc Body in the Office, by 
 Chance flood flarirg and gaping hear the old Towfconey's Seat , who 
 looking at the Country Tike as he was loitering about, call'd to him Jem, 
 Tom, Haft thou any Bufincis with me. Ne marry, not I, reply'd the Ru- 
 ral Coridon, you are miftain in your Man, for my Name's Rc^er. It's 
 no matter for that, fays the humorlome Cuff', for I always call a Man 
 7<?w, tho" I know liisNamctobe Ferdinando. Done you lb, fays Ro- 
 ger; and byth' Mafs, Ifc always Call an aud icribe, an Aud Knave, tho' 
 he be never fo honcfl. Tliis made the old Equity Humbler a little angry, 
 who reply'd, thou ait a Country Fool, 'ior»i A Man that has Mo- 
 ney enough is always a good Man. Remember Sirrah, from me, that 
 a poor Man muft be a Knave. As they were thus Difpuiing, a Hand 
 Giiiil.ido, thioa-n from the other End of the Office, hit the Country, 
 man fuch a Box in the Ear, that made him ready to ftagger ; which 
 unlucky Fellat burfting with the Blow, and being ftutft witliDuft and Sand 
 inftead of Gunpowder, fo difguis'd the poor Tike with its nafly Com- 
 pofition, that he look d as if he was a Yeoman of the Shovel to fome Dirt 
 Cart. Adfnines, fays he, This is the Deel of an Office, I find a Man 
 can't look about him here, but he muft run 'the Hazard of forfeiting his 
 Sight. By the Maft, Ife find Iniquity more than Equity pradis'd 
 amongft 'tm ; For they car.'t be content to pick a Man's Pocket in their 
 own way ; but as foon as they have done, they are for picking a Man's 
 Eyes out of his Head, that he fhould not peep into their Knavery. 
 What's the Matter Countryman, fays one of the Clerks Laughing. Mat- 
 ter enough, fays he ; Marry Ife think. I find he that comes into the 
 Compatjy of Rooks that is not a Bird of the fame Feather, is likely to be 
 ill pull'd and abus'd before he gets out again. Poh, lays the young 
 Clerk, what fignifies a little Duft upon your Back, you know every man 
 muft eat a Peck before he dies. Ah, fays the Bumkin, that's true, and I 
 heartily with all the Duft in your Office was at this time in your Bel- 
 lies, and then my Back wou'd be free from it. They have only drudg'd 
 you a little, laid the Clerk, in order to make you Brown ; for if you 
 ftay, they'll roaft you by and by, as foon as the Fire's kindled. Na mar- 
 ry, fays Roger, but Ife not fike a Fule to tarry, for I find Honefty's always 
 abus'd vn;)iere Knavery flourifhes, and fo farewel t\e. I mov'd a little 
 further, and there I found an Aticincy Jelfing with a Chancery Clerk 
 about new whiting the Office. Do you oblerve, fays one, how finely 
 we have Furbifh'd up the Walls of our old SanQuary. Ay, fays the 
 Attorney, I lee it has done you great Service, for it makes your Seats 
 abundantly the lighter; but when the Plaifterer's Hand was in. Pray, 
 why did you not bargain with him to Prime over your Conlciences; for 
 I believe, generally fpeaking, they were as black as your Walls. It's a 
 Sign, fays the Clerk, we are repenting Chriftians; and that we have 
 hung our Confciences in Mourning for the Sins of our Praftice, when 
 you Attorneys are fo hardened in your Clandeftine Querks, and unrea- 
 fonable Bills , that you think it a Diftionour to your Proftffion to fhow 
 Surrow for your Knaveries. I'll tell thee what, lays the Common-LawScribe 
 to the Equity Manager, whenever a Clerk in Chancery calls an Attorney 
 Knave, it's no more tlian the Kettle calling the Pot black Arfe ; but 
 when an Attorney returns the fame to a Chancery Clerk, its but put- 
 ting the Saddle upon the right Horfc. Says a Stander-by, who was an 
 
 Acquaiu-
 
 ( 13) 
 
 Acquaintance ; and if a Body fhould apply Knave to you Both, whether 
 it might not be conftru'd Killing Two Birds with one Stone; and 
 which do you t' ink of the Two would bs the raoft abufed ? Efec, fays one 
 of them, that's fcarce to be determin'd without a Bottle to be merry over: 
 Upon whicli they all Laughing, adjourned to the Tavern, in order to 
 decide the Matter. Another Mortal amongft the reft, having taken a large 
 Morning's Draught, Was lull'd by the EffeOs of the good Liquor into 
 a Fit of Drowfinels, and Sleeping in his Seat with his Mouth open, I 
 flipt down his Throat like a Sweeper's little Urchin down a foul Chim- 
 ney, in order to di(cover what equitable infides they had to anfwer the 
 Title of their Court, and the original Defign of their Profcffion. I 
 learch'd for half an Hour every Cavity in his Entrails to find out his 
 Confcience, whole dimenGons 1 thought at firft, might be very Capa- 
 cious ; but after a long Enquiry, foreign to my £xpe£tation, I found the 
 whole CoUedion of his Faith, Reafoo, and good Principles was con- 
 traGed within the narrow Comp-fs of a Bee's Honey Bag, that bad I 
 not (een by the Power of immortal Eyes, it muft have remained invifi- 
 ble. Of all the Confciences I had ever yet infpeded, I never beheld any 
 in lb mouldy a Condition, for every Article it contain'd that was good 
 for any thing, .was like a Coward's Sword, grown Rufty for want of 
 ufing. I plainly difcovered this diminitive Pilot wi ich ought to fteer 
 the Aftions of Human Life, had been formed in the Minority of him 
 that flighted it, but never had received any Nourifhment or improvement 
 fince he was firft admitted into the Six- Clerks Office, fo that I find the Pra» 
 dice of a Court of Equity, as it is now order d, is as great an Ene- 
 my to the growth of a Good Conlcience, as the Juice of Dafie Roots, 
 if given to Children, is to the growth of the Body. I left the little Dwarf 
 of a Conlcience which was Starv'd at Nurle for want of Spiritual Sub- 
 fiftence, (./. r.) good wholelbme InftruCtions, to lie negle^ed as it had dorie 
 for many years, and return'd into the openOj^^^r, to make fome far- 
 ther Obfervations ; And as I was walking backwards and forwards a- 
 mong the Sons of Iniquity, whofe Pens were running full fpeed over 
 large Fields of Parchment, I happen'd to efpy an Eagle-look'd old Gentleman 
 opening his Snufh Box. I took a nimble Skip into his little Pcrfum'd Cub- 
 board, ftored with fweet pulveris'd Provifions to refrefh his Nortrils, and up 
 he fiiatch'd me, betwixtFinger and Thumb,and fnuff'd me up hisNoie among 
 his Portugal Duft, as a Deer fometimes (according to Poetical FiO ion) does 
 an Addar. In learching round the infide of his Bony Globe, 1 tound it 
 iurnifh'd with more Snulh than Brains; for half an Ounce of the one, there 
 was an Ounce of the other ; his Imagination was forming nothing but Ideas 
 of Rich Plaintiffs and Defendants, and his Memory only a Compkat Re- 
 gifter of the Courts Proceedings: Having found by the Furniture of his 
 Noddle he was an Artift in his way, 1 alfo Div'd into his Bofom to 
 examine what fort of Confcience an expert Chancer;^ Clerk thought ne- 
 ceflary for the well Management of his Bufinefs to tlic beft Advantage; 
 and when I came thither, I found my lelf in fuch an immenfurable 
 Field, that its Bounds were invifible, it was perpetually fanned with 
 fuch fharp Breezes of a hungiy Air, that rendcr'd all the Appetites of the 
 Body infatiat. What good itiftru£lions he had imbibed from his 
 Parents and his School-Maftcr in his Minority. Were fo abominably 
 ehoaked up with Chamerj Weeds, chat they could never produce their 
 
 natural
 
 ( H) 
 
 Natural Fruit, or anl'wer the profitable End that was intended bj^ 
 them. A defue of unreafonable Gain had corrupted the whole domi- 
 nion of liis large ConIcience,inIomuch, that a parcel of D<"i///j were play- 
 ing at Shtttle Cock with the beft of his Principles, becaule he had no 
 r.ccafion for them. After I had looked about me a little, I returned 
 Wfll (a'.isfied ; and overhearing a Surgeon giving a gentle Dun to a 
 Smock Fdc'd Spark for Money due upon the old Account, ever fince the laft 
 Long Vacation ; And having a defue to peep into the Art of Pill-mak- 
 ing, and dark Myftery of Surrerging, I took pcfTcflion of the Tooll: 
 Mender, of which in a little Time you ftiall hear further. 
 
 5 
 
 FINIS 
 
 ■>;» 

 
 
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 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 Los Angeles 
 
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