m \ f i **/ \\ I LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO UNIVERSITY LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO Donated in memory of John W. Snvder by His Son and Daughter JOHN W TOM M9NEAI/S FABLES BY T. A. McNEAL Editor of THE MAIL AND BKEEZE ILLUSTRATED BY ALBERT T. REID CRANE & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS TOPEKA, KANSAS 1900 Copyrighted by CRANE & COMPANY, Topeka, Kansas 1900 REFACE WHEN a new book is sprung on the public it is customary for the author to write a preface, or introduction, which is supposed to serve as an excuse for the publication. Sometimes the au- thor gets a gifted and indulgent friend to write the preface for him. This is the reason why the preface to a book is often the best part of the publication. I have concluded to vary the usual program just a little. I offer this book without any excuse for its being. If the public doesn't like the book, the public doesn't have to buy it. I will say, how- ever, for the benefit of the publisher, who is taking most of the risk, that I hope the public will not refuse to buy. Such a conclusion on the part of the public would be simply mortifying to the au- thor, but it would be tough on the publisher. Books of fables are not uncommon, therefore this book is not without precedent. TOM McNEAL'S FABLES The most popular of fable-writers among the ancients was ^Esop. Although ^Esop lived and wrote more than twenty-five hundred years ago, more people know about him now than do about several writers whose works were published as late as last January. ^Esop had not much of a show for immortality when he started in the fable busi- ness. Circumstances were decidedly against him. He was a Greek slave. At times his master made it very sultry for ^Esop, and ^Esop had to take it. He did not have the privilege of a proud American citizen when insulted, of putting frescoes on tho countenance of the man who insulted him. He simply had to take it out in thinking about the way he would like to punch the face of his insulter. In addition to being a slave, ^Esop had no graces of face or figure to help him out. He was de- formed, and had a face that would stop an eight- day clock. But ^Esop had brains. That was where he had considerably the advantage of many modern authors. In writing either books or articles for maga- zines, brains are quite a help to the author, though one could not discover, from reading a great many PREFACE books and articles that are published, that any- thing of that sort was considered requisite. How zEsop learned to read and write, history does not definitely state; in fact, there is almost as much mystery clinging about the early history of ^Esop as there is about the real identity of the "man with the iron mask," or the person who forcibly and surreptitiously swatted William Pat- terson. ^Esop was an observing person, but discreet withal. In modern phrase, he kept his eyes open and sawed wood. It would have been unwise for him to express his opinion of public men in plain language, but the thought occurred to him that he could give his opinion in the shape of fables and get in some good undercuts that way. He noticed, for instance, a prominent man who was continually boasting of what he was going to do, while as a matter of fact his real achievements never amounted to anything worth speaking of, and it suggested to him the fable of the mountain in labor that finally brought forth a mouse. Ho noticed another man who was short on brains but long on conceit, who strutted with a lordly air TOM McXEAL'S FABLES and attempted to impress beholders with his dig- nity; this suggested to -Esop the fable of the ass in the lion's skin. When ^Esop's fables began to get circulated around, they made quite a hit in Greece. The Greeks were a quick-witted people. They caught on with remarkable alacrity, and saw what -Esop was driving at. In a little while he became a regu- lar contributor to the Athenian Bungstarter, the leading weekly of that day. In addition to his fables, which became a regular feature, he originated several jokes, which, though decrepit and toothless from age, are still doing duty in the cam- paign speeches of the present generation. ^Esop finally managed to save a little on the side, and offered to purchase his freedom. He got himself at a bargain ; his master afterward declaring that the reason he let JEsop go so cheap was on account of the "He became a regular contributor to the Athenian Bungstarter." PREFACE fact that since he began to write for the news- papers he wasn't worth a continental anyway, and all he could sell him for was clear gain. After he became a freeman, ^Esop got to the front, with astounding rapidity. He stood in with the upper crust of Athens, and became the trusted financial agent of Croesus, who was the Rocke- feller of that time. Croesns was something of a politician as well as business man, and liked to mix in affairs of state. Wishing to carry an elec- tion, Ciwsus sent -Esop over to Delphos with a large campaign fund, and told him to place it among the boys where it would do the most good. On arriving at Delphos, ^Esop found that the politicians were divided on the question of- who should handle the funds. Each one wanted more of it than anybody else. -Esop finally got warm under the collar, and told the Delphos crowd thai they could not have a dollar of the money he was carrying about on his person. When the Delphos fellows found that, they were likely to lose all chances for boodle, they forgot for a time their differences and made a rush for JEsop, as the story goes. To use a modern phrase, they did not do a thing to him. They mopped the ground with his person, and, taking him out, threw him over the bluff. This was the last ever heard from xEsop. Whether he was killed by the fall, or whether he struck out, carrying the campaign fund with him, will never be defi- nitely known ; whatever may have' been the real facts in the case, his admir- ers have for many years mourned him as one dead. It may be said without fear of successful con- tradiction, that xEsop's book has been an unquali- fied success. It has probably been more widely read than any other work ever published, with the possible exception of the Bible. Shakespeare's plays have been read with increasing delight by a certain class, but ^Esop's fables have been read by all classes for many generations. If the writer of this book of fables could make himself believe "They did not do a thing to him.' PREFACE that they would ever be read by one-hundredth part as many people as have read the fables writ- ten by the ancient Greek slave, he would at this time be, metaphorically speaking, walking on the clouds. A word of praise can be given the illustrations in this book without subjecting the author to the charge of unseemly egotism. They are made by Albert T. Reid, at this time the best-known car- toonist in Kansas, and who has won a place with such publications as Judge, McClure's Magazine, and other leading publications in the East. The illustrations are good, whether the fables they il- lustrate are worth perusal or not. In closing this preface, I wish to have it dis- tinctly understood that no diagrams or explana- tory chart will be furnished with the book. The reader buys it at his own risk. If the point to any fable is not clear to him, let him call in an obliging neighbor. Possibly, after the two of you have carefully pondered over the matter, you may make something out of it; if not, let it go, TOM McXEAL'S FABLES or call on the publisher. He has agreed to do his best in making the application of these fables clear to the earnest and thoughtful reader. T. A. McIs T EAL. P7 "T)ie Publisher will explain." CONTENTS. PAGE. The Wasp in Church, 21 The Snake and the Bird. 22 Reward Counts for More than Punishment 23 The Rabbits and the Hound, 24 The Chimpanzees and the Hyena, 25 A Fable Showing that Circumstances Alter Oases, . . 26 The Cat and the Singer, '...... 27 The Woman and Her Vociferous Hen, 28 The Indolent Colt, 28 Prometheus and the Dog, ' . 29 A Kansas Cow, 30 The Indolent Woodpecker, 31 The Ant and the Robin, 32 The Cats and the Bald Man, 33 The Monkey and the Parrot, 34 The Meddlesome Cur, 34 The Foolish Squirrel and the Kansas Corn 36 The Ambitious Tick, 38 The Boy and the Slipper, 39 The Small Dog and the Mastiff, 40 The Doctored Egg, 41 The Love-sick Couple and the Maple Worm, . ~ . . 43 Honesty is the Best Policy, . 44 The Texas Bull and the Howler, 44 The Snake and the Christian Scientist 45 The Two Cows, . 46 11 TOM McNEAI/S FABLES The Jay-Bird and the Hen. 47 Hercules and Atlas, 48 The Dogs and the Porcupine, 51 The Canary-Bird that Wanted to be Free, 52 The Painter who Lacked Brains 53 The Goat and the Butter, 54 Actions Speak Louder than Words 55 The Dog and the Tin Can, 56 The Deacon and the Cow, 56 Fable Showing that Age is not always a Protection, . 59 The Shrewd Farmer, 60 The Envious Chickens, 62 The Rag-Man and the Discouraged Farmer 63 The Rats and the Fat Thomas-Cat 63 The Eagle and the Bluebird, . .' 64 The Inconsiderate Pup, 65 The Tiger and the Cat, 66 The Politician and the Leech 67 The Wise Fly, 68 The Boy who Learned a Lesson. 69 The Coyote and the Crane, 70 The Cat and the Politician, 71 Fable Showing that Xerve Beats Size, 72 The Fly and the Paint, 73 The Foolish Mule and His Bald-Headed Master, ... 74 The Mistake of Midas, 75 The Dog and the Jack-Rabbit 78 The Pretentious Horse, 79 The Church Oyster, 80 12 CONTENTS The Bugs and the English Sparrows 81 The Imitative Goat, 82 The Kissing-Bug and the Wax Figure, 82 Jupiter and the Wasp, 83 The Watchdog and the Hound, 84 The Mud- Dauber and the Pantaloons, So The Tough Spring Chicken 8(5 The Philanthropist and the Buzzard, 88 The German Carp, .' -. 89 The Carriage-Horse and the Mule, ......... 90 The Man with the Chromatic Xose, . 92 The Eagle and the Quarreling Dogs, !)2 The Disadvantages of Politics, 93 The Woodpecker and the Wise Old Bird, 94 The Newspaper Liar who was Saved, 96 The Wise Tossum, 97 The Skunk and the House-Cat, 98 The Foolish Terrapin, 99 The Plodding Swine, 100 The Dog and the Bumblebee, 101 The Horse and the Donkey, 101 *The Wise Elephant, 102 The Unfortunate Steer, 104 The Man and the Full Ripe Boil, 105 The Dog and the Cold Trail, 100 The Sportive Ram, . .^ 107 The Scientific Cook, 108 Money Mak'es the Difference, 109 The Observing Colt, 110 13 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES The Drowsy Boy. . 112 The Quarryman and the SnaJkes, 113 Fable Showing the Value of Experience, ...... 114 The Rhinoceros and the Mosquitoes, 114 The Boy and the Gun, 110 There are Drawbacks to all Conditions. 117 The Lusher and the Giraffe, 118 The Hypochondriac and the Boy, 118 The School-Boy and the Muscular Instructor, . . . 120 The Coyote and the Watchdog 122 The Preacher and th'e Dynamite, 124 The Dog and the Hot Taffy, 125 The Youth and the Hornet's Nest, 126 The Timid Cow, 128 The Tramp who Understood His Business, .... 129 The Snorer, .130 The Boy who Loved, a Joke not Wisely but Too Well, . 131 The Boy with a Disabled Jaw, 133 The Old Horse who Got Gay, 133 The Observing Fox, 134 The Man who Thought He was Sick, when He was only Lazy, 135 The Alligator and the Toads, 137 The Hound and the Bulldog, 139 The Jealous Peacock, 140 The Singing Mosquito, 141 The Discontented Fly, , 141 The Dog and the Bologna, 143 The Woman and the Overworked Hen, ....... 144 .14 CONTENTS The Quarreling Fowls and the Lucky Worm, .... 145 The Female Lion-Tamer and the King of Beasts, . . . 146 The Reformer and the Bug, . 148 The Dog and the Fleas, 149 The Conceited Frog, 149 The Careless Coyote, 150 The Boasting Hen, , V . . . \ . 151 The Fice and the Moon, . . ;...... 151 The Mule Colt, . . 152 The Squirrel and His Designing Visitors, 153 The Muzzled Calf, . . , . . . . 154 The Bird and the Trap, .... . . r . . 154 The Persistent Goose, . . . , .-.. ; 155 The Farmer and the Crows, . . . 156 The Mocking-Bird and the Barn-Swallow, 158 The Hen and the Hungry Crow, 159 The Discontented Youth and the Ant, 160 The Bee that Lacked Judgment, 161 The Conservative Ground-Hog, 162 The Rats and the Sleeping Cat, 162 The Duck and the Rooster, 163 The Indolent Dog, . . . 164 The Crow and the Coyote, . 161 The Ambitious Frog, 165 The Snake and the Prairie-Dogs, 166 The Saloonist and the Bum, 167 The Belligerent Goat and the Mirror, 163 The Flies and the Bald-Headed Clerk, ^ . . 169 The Lean Horse and His Master, 170 15 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES The Blooded Pig and the Wallow. 170 The Disappointed Fly, 171 Law and Mortal Suasion, 172 The Injudicious Pup 172 The Ambitious Land-Terrapin, 173 The Unfortunate Fly, 174 The Rooster and the Cyclone, 175 The Barking Pup, 17G The Lightning-Bug who Thought He was the Whole Thing, 177 The Dog who Chased Passing Trains, 178 The Singed Bug, 179 The Conceited Donkey, 179 The Cricket and the Opera Singer, 180 The Jack-Rabbit who had Profited by Example, .... 181 The Foolish Country Rat, 182 The Mule who Wouldn't be Imposed Upon, .... 183 The Chinch-Bug and the Farmer, 184 The Hen and the Chicken-Hawk, 184 The Wise Kansas Sheep, 18G The Sheep-Man and the Dogs, 186 The Kansas Game Rooster, 187 Jupiter and the Bees, 188 The Dog and the Churn 190 It Depends on the Raising, 191 The Proud Butterfly, 192 The Boasting Bully, 193 The Boy with the Stubbed Toe, 193 Discretion is Necessary to Success, 194 16 CONTEXTS The Dancing Bear, .... ." 195 The Horse with the inconsiderate Master, ..... 196 The Farmer and His Son, 197 The Aged Horse and the Old Sport, 198 The Scarecrow and the Birds, 199 The Theory that Didn't Work, 200 The Cattle and the Shade, 201 The Hen that Lost Her Son, 202 The Banqueter and the Dog 203 The Orator and the Farmer, 204. The Chimpanzee and the Elephant 205 The Boy who Wouldn't Lie, 207 The Man who Bet the Wrong Way, . . .". . . . . 209 The Wooden Limb and the Surprised Dog. 209 The Man who was Never Satisfied, 210 The Rich Man's Son and the Alley Urchin 211 The Camel and the Judge, . 212 The Fat and the Lean Swine, 213 The Fakir Toad, ......... 214 The Crocodile and the Hippopotamus 215 The Donkey and the Mugwump, 2l(i The Lady's Hat 217 The Rat and the Trap, . -. . . . 2 IS The Rooster and the Chickens 218 The Deacon and the Calf, 219 The Awkward Youth who Spoiled His Chances, . . . 220 The City Dog and His Country Cousin. 221 The Two Boys who Tried Different Plans, ..- 223 The Woman who Broke Her Husband of a Bad Habit, . 227 17 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES TOM McNEAI/S FABLES flfllasp in Cfjutcl). A WASP which- had built her nest among the rafters of a Kansas church, observed "that while the preacher was expounding the Gospel two of the deacons and about half the congregation were peacefully slumbering. Just by way of experi- ment, the wasp flew down and socked her sticker into the bald dome of thought of a sleeping dea- con, who awoke with a wild snort, like unto the snort of a startled colt; and in less than a min- ute there wasn't a man, woman or child in that congregation who wasn't wide awake. Then the wasp remarked, as she returned to the bosom of her family: "If that preacher would either take me into partnership, or else put more point into his remarks, this church might not look so much like a lodging-house." MORAL. If you want to interest your hearers, have some point to your remarks. fenafte and A SNAKE that had a hankering for young. birds and also for birds' eggs, no- ticed a bluebird building her nest in the fork of a tree, and said: "Why do you build your nest up there, where the wind will get action on it ? Don't you know that this tree is liable to be blown down by a cyclone or struck by lightning ? Build your nest down here on the ground, where you will be safe." But the blue- bird, who had lived TOM McNEAL'S FABLES in Kansas and was onto a few things herself, simply said: "If I hadn't seen yon lunching at a meadow-lark's nest yesterday, I might wonder why yon take so much interest in my affairs." MOEAL. The individual who makes an osten- tatious display of interest in your affairs will gen- erally bear watching. Counts tor 9pore t&an A MAN secured a horse for a drive out into the country, and observed on the way out that it wa& nearly impossible to urge the beast out of a walk. When, however, he turned the horse in the direc- tion of the stable where it was fed, he noticed that the animal pricked up its ears and lit out down the pike at a four-minute gait or better, and kept it up until it reached the stable door. "I observe," said the man reflectively, "that even in the case of a horse, the hope of reward is sometimes more of an incentive to action than the fear of punish- ment." 23 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES l&abluta and t&e A FAMILY of Kansas jack-rabbits had been ac- customed to having considerable amusement at the expense of a fat, short-tailed dog-, who was in the habit of coming out every day and chasing the rabbits until his wind would give out. The .jack-rabbits did all they could to encourage the fat dog by loitering along, sometimes allowing him to get within a; rod or two of them, and then, suddenly straightening themselves out, they would scatter space behind them in a way that would make the fat dog's head swim. In this way the younger of the jack-rabbits, who had never seen "any dogs except the fat, short-tailed cur, acquired the impression that he could outrun any dog on earth. One day, seeing a lean and hungry-look- ing greyhound in the distance, the young jack- rabbit said to his parent: "Yonder seems to be another dog; let us go out and have some amuse- ment with him." But the elder rabbit, who had had some worldly experience, took one look at the hound, and then said : "My son, if my eyes serve me aright, I am not hankering for any fun 24 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES with that kind of dog. If he ever catches sight of you, you will notice that he has an entirely different sort of movement from that of our fat, stub-tailed friend who sleeps under the porch yonder." MORAL. It is well to size up an individual carefully before you undertake to have fun at his expense. C!)tmpaiw0 and tfie A PAIR of chimpanzees who had just been brought into a menagerie were looking about, try- ing to make up their minds what animals it would bo safe to tie up with. Finally their attention was called to a hyena, which looked at them, and, grin- ning a mirthless grin, spoke up and said that he would be glad to make their acquaintance. "Xot on your life," said the elder chimpanzee, who was a shrewd sort of animal; a beast that carries that sort of a grin would rob the dead if he got a chance." MORAL. Beware of the individual who wears a made-to-order smile. 25 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES t&at Circumstance Si Jafele A DOG who had in the course of his investiga- tions disturbed the slumber of a small but healthy mephitis, came home and took his accustomed place in the kitchen. And straightway the hired girl came in with the mop-stick and made the dog hike out of the culinary de- partment at a gait such as he had not struck since the time when some evil-minded youths had fastened a tin bucket to his narrative. As the unfortunate dog ran yelp- ing out of the yard he met a lady dressed in silks and furs, who was heading for the parlor. An odor of musk sur- rounded her like a cloud, but she was met with an affection- ate greeting and embrace by the lady of the house. Then, as the dog licked the sore 26 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES places where the mop-stick had belted him, Le bitterly said : "Such are the inequalities of life. That woman smells a lot worse than I do, but she is kissed and hugged and invited into the parlor, while I get my ribs cracked if I even try to get into the kitchen." Cat and t&e &ina;er. A FEMALE who labored under the impression that she could sing, was imposing upon a long- suffering company at an evening party. When she had finished her first, selection the host politely insisted that she should sing again. Whereupon a Thomas-cat, who was sitting near by, making his toilet, slowly winked his other eye and said: "Xow just the other night I sat out on the back- yard fence and yowled just like that female, and the old man came to the back window and swore and threw things at me, but he asks her to sing again." MORAL. Compliments do not always come from the heart. 27 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES flflloman and ^er Poriferoug IN the month of .Tune a hen was cackling vocif- erously over a new-laid egg, when her mistress, who was standing near by, exclaimed in disgust : "Oh, yes, you can make more noise than a female sewing-circle now, when eggs are only six cents a dozen, hut last winter, when eggs were thirty cents a dozen, you never said a word." MORAL. Work done at the right time is what knocks. Indolent Colt. A COLT whose mind was set on the pleasures of life, heard some men discussing the horseless car- riage and declaring that the time was near at hand when all the hauling of the country would be done with the automobile. The colt was greatly pleased . with the prospect, and, cantering over to his mother, said : "Mother, we won't need to work any more, will we, after these new contraptions come into use ?" But his mother, instead of re- joicing with her alecky offspring, looked at him 28 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES sadly and said: "My son, when the time comes that we are not needed any longer for work, you can bet your sweet young life we won't be allowed to just ramble around in this pasture and fill our- selves with grass and enjoy life. When the time comes that we are of no further use in the world, a way will be found to get us out of it." MOBAL. The world has mighty little use for the individual who is of no account. and t&e WHEX Prometheus was chained to the rock and the birds were permitted to feed on his liver, which grew as fast as it was devoured, a dog came by and was invited by the birds to eat. "Xo, thanks/' said the dog; "my master keeps a cheap boarding- house in Missouri, where the boarders have liver three times a day and I live on the scraps. If you have nothing but liver on the bill of fare you will have to excuse me." MORAL. Variety is the spice of life. 29 Coto. A cow, that bad speculated considerably on tbe inequalities of tilings in gen- eral, concluded tbat she was the victim of unjust conditions, and said : " Here I am, working away, turning grass into milk and cream in order that yon- der gang of but- terfly dudes and young females may fill themselves with ice cream. I am going to quit until things are evened up more than they are under our present iniquitous social system." The cow therefore ceased to eat grass, in order that she might not turn it into milk, and thus, as she figured it, would she get even with the dudes 30 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES and giddy young females who filled themselves with ice cream, but toiled not, neither did they spin. About a week after the cow had started on this track, she found that she had grown so weak and thin that she was obliged to lean up against the barn to think, and as she pondered over the situation she said: "I may be cutting short the supply of cream for those dudes, but it occurs to me that before I get even with them I will be a dead cow myself." MORAL. As a general thing, the individual who spends his time figuring on how he can get even with somebody who he imagines has the best of him in this world, will do himself more harm than he can inflict on the other fellow. flfiloodpecfeet. AN indolent young woodpecker, who had been sent out by his mother to gather in some provender for the family table, was found sitting on a limb, listlessly eyeing a place where a borer seemed to have entered. When his mother asked him what 31 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES he was doing, the young woodpecker answered that he was waiting for that grub- worm to come out of the hole so that he could catch it. Where- upon the mother woodpecker said impatiently : "My son, if you sit around waiting for grubs to come out of their holes, you will have a mighty lean time of it in this world, I fancy. If you want that worm, you will have to get a move on yourself and dig it out." MOKAL. People who sit around waiting for things to come to them will cut little figure in this world, and probably little in the next. ftnt and tt)r ttobm. A BUSY ant, who frequently lectured her off- spring on the necessity of being up betimes in the morning, started off at the first streak of dawn in search of grub. But as the busv ant was hiking o / out in the direction of some food, she saw in the distance a robin, who was also out on a grub- hunting expedition. It flew down and took the busy ant in and carried it away to its nest. Then 32 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES one of the young ants who looked out of the front door of the ant-hill in time to see his mother carried away in the robin's bill, said to his breth- ren and sisters : "If mother had been content to lie abed a spell and take it easy, she wouldn't have been fed to one of those blamed young robins this morning." Cat0 and t&e Bald Two Thomas-cats were engaged in a heated ar- gument on the back-yard fence, when the lady of the house came out- with a kettle of hot water and dashed it over the felines. A few days after, one of the cats \vho had most of the hair scalded off his back by the hot water, noticed the woman who had carried the kettle walking down the street with her husband. And as the man raised his hat to wipe his brow the feline noticed that he had no more hair on the top of his head than a paper- weight. "Ah, ha, old man!" mused the cat, as it looked over the dehaired portions of its own person, "you seem to have been out on the back- yard fence yourself." -3 33 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES and tfie A TEAVELING showman was the owner of a mon- key and a parrot, who were somewhat envious of each other. One day the showman dressed the monkey up in a cap and small red coat, of which it was quite proud. And as the small quadru- mane was strutting about in front of the parrot's cage wearing his new clothes, he said : "Well, old green-top, I rather figure that in this rig I will pass for a human being." "Possibly you might," said the parrot, in a sarcastic tone of voice, "if that tail, sticking out from under your coat, didn't give you away." MOEAL. Clothes do not make the man. Cur. AN alecky dog, seeing a dispute between two other dogs, couldn't resist the temptation to mix in and see what the fuss was about. He had no particular trouble in getting in ; but when the fuss was stopped by a policeman with a club, this 34 35 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES dog was short one ear, and his person looked as if it had been run over by a disk harrow. When this alecky dog came back to his kennel and was licking the sore places, an aged mastiff who was lying in the sun near by looked him over carefully and then remarked : "My son, I have noticed, during several years of close observation, that the average dog generally has troubles enough of his own, without hunting for any on the side." jFooltsi) fequiml and tjje &an0a0 Corn. A KANSAS squirrel, hunting for a location for a winter home, spied a corn-stalk, and said to his mate : "Here is a beautiful green and lofty tree. Let us build our nest among the branches and lay away our winter store and enjoy ourselves until the spring comes again gentle Annie." But the squirrel's mate, who was younger and had better eyesight, remarked: "Tree, your foot! That is no tree ; that is a cornstalk. If we build our nest in its branches the farmer who is running this ranch will come strolling along with his ax in the TOM McNEAL'S FABLES course of a couple of weeks and cut the stalk down, and we will be a busted community, so to speak." But the elder squirrel was one of the sort who thought he knew it all, and didn't propose to take any advice. He said he thought if he was per- sonally acquainted _ with himself, that he knew a tree when he saw it, and also that he could tell the difference between a tree and a corn-stalk when they came within his range of vision. And the aged sqmrrel would not take the advice of the younger and keener-eyed partner, but went right on and built his nest among the upper branches of the corn-stalk. Two weeks after that, the farmer came into the field with his axe and chopped down the stalk of corn where the squirrel, who thought he knew it all, had built his nest ; and when the stalk fell the squirrel was crippled by the fall so that he died. And as he was about to breathe his last, he feebly said: "If I had been content to take a little friendly advice and not try to locate so high up in the world, I might now have been living in comfort on yonder cottonwood." 37 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES &miutiou0 Cjcfe. A STKANGER prospecting in Arkansaw for min- eral wealth, lav down to rest under a shelving rock. And while he slept and dreamed of wealth, a family of ticks located on his person and began business. They found the stranger sweet and tender as compared with anything they had struck in that country, and began to congratulate one another on the luck they were having. "This,''* said one of the ticks, "is far ahead of the tough razor-back that we have been feeding on during i-the winter. We pity those other ticks in this vicinity, who have nothing but native meat to live on." But when the stranger awoke and felt something on him, he proceeded to strip and exam- ine his person. And as he pulled the last tick loose and was about to mash it on a rock, the insect said: "If I had been content with a razor- back diet instead of getting gay and running after Kansas-fed meat, I might have been here next year." MORAL. Contentment is better than high liv- ing. 38 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES anli t&e A MOTHER who found it necessary to take a few reefs in her son's sails on account of un- becoming conduct on the part of the youth, laid him across her knee and was preparing to apply the slipper where" it would do the most good. Whereupon the youth, who was well up in Shake- speare for one of his age, called on his mother to pause while he argued the case with her. "You should remember, mother, what Cardinal Woolsey said: "Let all the ends thou aimest at be thy country's.' You are not aiming that slipper at your country's end now." "You are wrong, my son," said the mother, as she took a firmer grip on the nape of his neck; "you are a part of this TOM McNEAL'S FABLES great and glorious country." And then there was a sound such as the busy housewife makes when she rounds the fresh-churned butter into form with a wooden paddle. and t&e SIa0tiff. A SMALL dog, which was allowed to sleep in the house, was being guyed by a huge mastiff, who figured that he was about the most accomplished watch-dog that ever came down the pike. That night a gang of burglars entered the house where the mastiff kept watch. The mastiff, as was his custom, made no noise, but when the burglars came in he made # running jump for the head burglar. But the burglars were fixed for him, and while he was trying to get at the head man the second burglar stuck a long knife into him and killed him too dead to skin. As the dog hadn't said a word, the family were not aroused, but slept on while the burglars helped themselves undisturbed to a case of diamonds and also to a couple of thousand dollars in cash that the Kansas man, who owned the house, had not had time to deposit in 40 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the bank before closing-time the evening before. The same night the gang undertook to rob the house where the small cur dog stayed; but the small canine, hearing the burglars, commenced to bark so loudly that he roused the family, and also woke a policeman who happened to be slumbering near by. Then the head of the fam- ily, aroused by the racket made by the little dog, arose and emptied the contents of a large double- barreled shotgun into the person of the chief bur- glar; while the policeman, whose slumber had been disturbed by the noise, came up and nabbed another burglar before he could get away. MORAL. This fable seems to teach that some- times the individual who gets up and snorts and makes a great noise may accomplish more than the person who keeps his mouth shut; but this will not do to bank on as a general proposition. SDoctottto A DOG had fallen into the evil habit of sucking eggs. The lady of the house where the dog re- 41 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES sided, having determined to break him of the evil practice, filled an eggshell with a mixture of egg and cayenne pepper and left it in a nest that had been robbed on several previous occasions by the dog. Soon after, the dog passed that way, and seeing the tempting specimen of hen-fruit,, clapped it into his month. It Avas two days before the dog was able to get the temperature of his jaws down to normal. A few days afterward, while the incident was still fresh in his memory, he hap- pened to notice a hen that had just laid an egg in the nest which he had visited to his sorrow. When she had finished her jubilant cackling and gone away to dig a few worms and vegetables out of a neighbor's garden, the dog walked over and looked for a moment at the egg she had laid, and then said to himself: "That egg looks like a good thing, but that hen seemed to be suffering mightily from an inward fever when she laid the last egg I tackled, and I am afraid she may not have re- covered. I believe I don't care for any eggs to- day." MOKAL. Experience is the mother of caution. 42 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES iote-gick Couple and t&e Staple dfllorm, A LOVE-SICK couple were sitting under the spreading branches of a maple tree. "Do you trust me, my love ?" asked the youth, with the tender inflection and tone of a six-months-old calf. "Do I trust you? y cooed the maiden, as she nes- tled closer. "While you are near I think of noth- ing else but you." Just then a large and -active worm that had taken up its abode in the tree, re- marked to itself : "This is getting too sick- ish for me. I will just drop down on the back of that girl's neck and show the young man that she can think of something else while he is near. I will also make a tempo- rary break in that dream of love." MORAL. As you grow older you will find that some unpleasant practical expe- rience will knock sentiment galley west and crooked. 43 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES 10 tfie Be0t A DOG that had been taught by its master to go to the market with a basket and carry home the meat and bread for the family dinner was met one day by a mangy cur, who said : "Why do you carry that meat home like a fool and hand it over to the cook, when you might as well stop here and eat the whole business yourself?" But the honest dog took a fresh grip on the basket as he trotted on, remarking as he passed : "If I should take your advice I would live high to-day, but to- morrow I would lose my situation, and after that I would have to take my chances with onery, half- starved and scabby curs like you." MORAL. In the long run it pays to be honest, just as a business proposition. Bull and t&e A SMALL, slender-hammed Texas bull, which had a voice that could be heard for two miles on a still day, was wont to spend a good share of his time in pawing the earth and bellowing. Other 44 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES animals that heard his bellow, before they saw from what sort of animal it proceeded, were much frightened, but when they saw the bull himself they sniffed at him with contempt. The bull, finally realizing that his voice was out of propor- tion to his general ability, hearing a ranting orator filling the surrounding atmosphere with sound, looked at him for a moment and then said : "My vociferous friend, if you and I could be judged by our roar and not by our general appearance, we would be considered as two of the warmest articles in this part of the country." and t& A KANSAS bull-snake, out hunting for break- fast, spied a nest in which there was a beautiful- appearing egg; and the snake, not knowing that the egg was made of chinaware, swallowed it. Shortly afterward, hearing a Christian scientist proclaiming that all ailments were purely imagi- nary, the snake, who was having a deal of trouble in trying to digest that egg, said: "That talk 45 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES sounds pretty well, but if I could perceive that my gastric juices were getting any action on that con- founded thing that I took for an egg this morn- ing, I would take a heap more stock in your remarks." Cotog. A LARGE, raw-boned cow at a cattle sale ob- served with chagrin that a meek and diminutive Jersey was being eagerly bid for by a number of buyers, while nobody offered over twelve dollars and fifty cents for herself. Then in a complain- ing way she turned to a companion and said: "I can't understand why those people should be ready to pay a big price for that little sawed-oif Jersey, when they won't pay a third of the price for a large Husky cow like me." But the steer, to whom she directed her complaint, replied, as he stowed away another mouthful of hay : "My raw- boned female friend, this is not a question of size, but a question of butter-fat." MORAL. Your value in this world will be .judged by your usefulness, and not by your size. 46 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES 3ap*25itd and tfje A SMART jay-bird, seeing the awkward effort of a hen to fly over a fence, began to guy her, saying: "Well, old toppy, if I couldn't fly any better than you I would go and drown myself." But in answer to the taunt, the hen simply said: "I am aware, my alecky young fel- low, that I am no exhibition flyer. It is my work as a sitter that knocks." MOKAL. After all, it isn't the grand-stand player that counts in final results, but the humble individual who attends to business and makes no fuss about it. TOM McNEAL'S FABLES and AT one time, when Hercules was wearing the belt as the best man in the world in the heavy- weight class, he grew restless on account of the fact that he was unable to take on anybody around home who had the ability to interest him. Hav- ing heard considerable talk about an orchard on one of the Philippine islands which grew nothing but golden apples that ran twenty-four karats fine, Hercules announced to the proprietor of the hash- house where he boarded that he wanted to be marked off the register for about six weeks, as he was going to take a little trip, and if he should come back and find that he had been charged up with any board during his absence he would break the landlord in two. To show that he meant busi- ness, Hercules tied a large iron poker in a double bow-knot and left it with the boarding-house keeper as an evidence of good faith. He then pro- ceeded on his journey until he came to an ocean which it would be necessary to cross in order to reach the orchard. There was no boat handy, and Hercules, not having had the experience of the 48 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES Twentieth Kansas in swimming, did not care to try swimming across. He however found the giant "Atlas/' who had a steady job holding up the sky, and persuaded him to wade across to the orchard on condition that he (Hercules) would hold up the sky while Atlas was gone. This ar- rangement seemed to be entirely satisfactory, but when Atlas returned after an absence of half a day, with a pocketful of golden apples, he did not seem to be in any rush to take back his old job. Hercules tried to smile and look pleasant, but as a matter of fact the sky was growing blamed heavy on his shoulders, and he wanted to get rid of it the worst way. Finally he suggested to Atlas that he was perfectly willing to hold up the sky for a week, but that he had an engagement at home that required his immediate attention. At- las, however, replied that he had not figured on immediately resuming business at the old stand. He had about concluded to go away and look for another opening. It had been intimated to him that he could make good money in the side-show business, and have nothing to do but sit in a tent 49 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES and have people pay two bits per head to come in and look at him. "You don't mean to say," yelled Hercules, who was a hot-tempered person, "that you intend to go away and leave this sky on my shoulders ?" "Don't get gay, young feller/' said Atlas in an insolent tone of voice. "It seems to be on you at the present writing, and if I am personally acquainted with myself ? the temperature will be quite low when I take up my old job; it is en- tirely too monotonous for an enterprising giant like myself. Ta, ta, young feller ; I may return in the course of four or five hundred years to see how you are getting along." "Wait a minute," said Hercules, as he saw Atlas getting ready to pull out. "I have some- thing here that I want to show you. There is a giant over in my country who has been knock- ing on you ; says you are no good, and that he could saw a better giant than you are out of a bass wood log." "Who is he?" asked the exasperated Atlas, as he kicked a large oak tree out of the ground to re- lieve his feelings. "Tell me where to find him, TOM McXEAL'S FABLES and I will show him iu less than a minute that he is a liar." "I have his name and address on a card in my inside pocket," said Hercules. "If you will hold up this sky for a moment I will find it for you." Then Atlas, who was not onto many of the curves of the confidence men., unsuspectingly took the sky off Hercules's shoulders in order that he might hunt for the card., But as soon as Hercules Avas relieved from the burden he placed his thumb to his nostril, and taking the golden apples from the pocket of Atlas, he walked away, saying : "My overgrown chump ? I will have to leave you now." And then he took from his pocket a card on which were inscribed the words, "This is my busy day." MORAL. This tale teaches that a little smooth talk and tact is more effective than a bluff. and t&e Porcupine, Two DOGS were out hunting together, when they spied a porcupine near by. One of the dogs was about to make a rush for the animal, but 51 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the other restrained him, saying: U I can't say that I ever saw this particular animal before, but I once tackled a brother of his, and I have re- gretted it ever since." MORAL. You can't always tell from the size and appearance of an individual just what will happen when he is stirred up. Canat^Bird tfiat flfllanted to be free. A CANARY-BIRD that had been kept in captivity all its life, began to yearn for liberty. Finally the owner of the bird concluded to grant the request, and opening the door of the cage, bt the bird fly out into the open air. For a little time the bird was happy, but after awhile it began to be hungry and cold, and did not know how to hustle for either food or shelter. Finally it could bear it no longer, and, flying back to the door of its cage, begged to be taken in, and gladly returned to its old condition of dependence. MORAL. Liberty is a doubtful blessing to the individual who is not fitted to enjoy it. 52 A N individual who had a fool notion that he could paint, took one of his pro- ductions to an art sale, but found to his disappoint- ment that there were no bidders for it. At the same time he saw a little painting by another man knocked off at $2,000. Filled with chagrin, he complained to the auctioneer, 53 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES saying: "How is this? There are more paint and more colors in this picture of mine than in that, but this man walks off with a wad of monev ' / while I don't get a cent." "It is possible, my friend," said the auctioneer, as he took down an- other picture, "that if you would use more brains and less paint you might have more chance of making a sale." (Boat anti tfje TSutter. AN educated and also conceited billy-goat, who had whipped everything in his class in the neigh- borhood in which he resided, concluded that he was a little the warmest proposition in the goat line that had ever struck that section of the country. One day as the billy-goat was passing a grocery store he noticed the sign, "The best country butter kept here." "I figure," said the proud goat as he re-read the sign, "that I am a little the best coun- try butt-er, myself, that there is around these parts, and I will just step in and whip the whey out of this thing that is kept in this store." But when the proud and conceited goat got near 54 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES enough to get a whiff of the article that was kept in a crock on the counter of the store, his coun- tenance fell, and he walked out without saying a word. And when the goat's wife, who had not gone into the store, but who noticed the look of dejection on the face of her spouse, asked, ''Why did you not knock it out, William ?" the crest- fallen goat replied : "My confiding spouse, I may be reckless at times, but I think I know when I am up against something that is stronger than I am." Actions &piafc iotiarr ttjan A TEAMP, sauntering along the road, stopped at the front gate of a yard and was about to enter and call for a hand-out, when suddenly a large brindlc- complexioned bulldog appeared on -the porch, and looked the traveler over without making a sound. "Good day," said the tramp, as he hastily shut the gate and got a move on himself down the pike; "'you haven't opened your mouth, you pug-nosed son-of-a-gun, but there are times when actions speak louder than words." 55 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES and tfje tHin Can. AN unfortunate dog, to whose narrative some bad boys had 'attached a tin can, was hitting the road on the elevated places and proceeding through space at the rate of about thirty miles an hour, when another dog, who had had considera- ble experience, noticing the vanishing form of his fellow-canine, said to some companions: "Hear that dog howl, and notice the way he is pulling out through space. And yet if he had sense enough to stop and investigate he would find that aside from a slight, inconvenience, that can wouldn't bother him at all." MORAL. If you will boldly face the thing that seems likely to do you harm, you will probably find that it is not so serious as you imagined. Draron and rtjr Coto. A cow that was owned by a deacon, who had long been a devout class-leader, heard him ad- monishing his son and heir that he should always 56 57 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES guard his temper, saying that outbursts of pas- sion were both unnecessary and sinful. A little while after, the deacon came down the path to the cow-lot with a pail in his hand, humming a hymn-tune as he came. And after the deacon had seated himself beside the brindle cow and extracted a bucket of foaming milk, it occurred to her that she would have some fun with him; and she thereupon proceeded to give him a right hook with her rear limb. The deacon did not have his guard up at the time, his mind being occupied with thoughts of higher things, and the cow's foot took him square in the diaphragm, knocking him the space of about ten feet, and spilling- the bucket of milk over his person. Then the cow laughed softly to herself,- saying : "This will be all right with the deacon, because I heard him say that under no circumstances should one let his temper get away with him." But the deacon, as soon as he could gather enough wind to take the place of that which the cow had knocked out of him, arose to his feet, and gathering a hard-wood club, pro- ceeded to beat the cow to a f are-you-well, and also addressed language to her that sounded like the 58 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES language of a man who had temporarily forsaken the communion of the saints. And as the cow sub- sequently meditated on her experience, she said: "I gather from the conduct of the deacon that it is a lot easier to tell somebody else how to be good than it is to stick to your own text." Jable &&otom tjjat &$t i& not altoapgf a ^protection. AN aged turkey and a fat young gobbler were feeding together in the same yard, when the young and alecky bird began to guy the aged turkey about his lean and scrawny appearance. "Don't get gay, young feller," said the aged turkey, who was somewhat riled by the insolent remarks of his young companion ; "Christmas is coming, and you will go to pot. Then YOU will see that it is not so JL i/ much advantage to be young and fat, after all." And when Christmas-time came around a spare- built female came to the poultry-yard to select a fowl to feed to her boarders for keeping board- ers was her business. Then the aged turkey, who 59 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES was of a revengeful disposition, chuckled to him- self and said : "Xow that fat young thing who guyed me but yesterday will be taken and I will be left." But to the astonishment and sorrow of the aged bird, the spare-built female passed by the young turkey and nabbed HIM. Then the aged turkey protested, and called the attention of the spare-built female to the young and tender bird ; but she only replied, as she wrung his neck with a circular sweep of her arm : "I think I under- stand my business. My boarders have been clam- oring for turkey, but after they get through with you they will be content with plain pork anil beans." MORAL. The individual who thinks he is all right is liable to get it in the neck when he least expects it. fe&rrtob farmer. A SMOOTH Kansas farmer had a stack of straw that he wanted eaten, but his cattle, who had been dining on sorghum and alfalfa, turned up their 60 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES noses at the straw when it was thrown out to them. Then the farmer built a weak fence about his straw-stacks, and went away to see what would happen ; and a large, husky steer, who was the leader of the herd, "seeing the fence about the stacks, addressed his companions, saying: "The old fool who owns this ranch seems to be getting mighty particular about his straw, but if he thinks for a minute that he has fixed it so that we can't get at it, we will show him a few curves that ho never dreamed of before." Then the steer arid his companions made a rush and broke the fence and commenced to eat the straw as if it was the best thing they had ever struck in the way of prov- ender. And when the farmer-man looked out and saw the cattle filling themselves with straw, he laughed a low, chuckling laugh, and said : "It is as I thought : them cattle hain't got any more sense than a good many human bein's who are al- ways red-hot to get the things they suppose some- body don't want them to have." Which speech showed that the farmer was short on grammar but long on common-sense. 61 CEnbiougf A FLOCK of chickens were tramping round after the mother hen, when one of them seized a good-sized worm and lit out with it in its beak. Immediately all the rest of the flock started to run after the one with the worm. Then the mother hen called to her offspring, saying : "If you little fools would put in your time digging round here instead of trying to take the worm away from your successful brother, you wouldn't be so leg- weary and would have your craws a lot fuller." MORAL. It is much better to try to dig up something on your own account than to spend your time figuring on how you can get the best of somebody else and do him out of what he has accumulated. 62 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES anfc tf&t SDtecouraffrti farmer, A BAG-MAN, who was gathering up worn-out clothing in the country, purchased a pair of dis- carded pants at a farmhouse, and remarked to the man of the house, as he paid for the stuff he had bought : "I see, sir, that you are about to lose your land on a mortgage." "I guess you are right," said the discouraged farmer; "but will you tell me how the Sam Hill you found that out ?" "Easy enough," said the cheerful rag-man, as he settled back on the seat of his peddling- wagon and clucked to his horse. "I notice that these pants are completely played out, so far as the part you sat down on is concerned, but they show mighty little wear anywhere else." anto tty jfat A FAMILY of young rats, seeing a large fat Thomas-cat lying in the sun near their home, ran to their mother in great fear, saying: "Mother, there is a cat out there nearly as big as a dog. It will get the whole outfit of us, sure, if we don't 63 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES move." But the mother rat, after going out where she could take a survey of the fat Thomas-cat, said : "Children, don't worry yourselves about that cat ; we can do business in this locality for a year, so far as he is concerned. But if you hap- pen to notice a lean, scrawny-looking female feline scouting round in this neighborhood, let me know, and we will get out of here so quick it will. make your little heads swim. You can bank on it that she has a family to support, and that she is looking for rats in dead earnest." (Eagle and t&e Bluebirb. A LARGE eagle was making sport of a modest little bluebird that was industriously gathering a batch of worms with which to feed her young. "You insignificant bird," said the eagle, "all you can do is to gather measly little worms, while I live on choice young mutton." Just then a man, who had seen the eagle carry off one of his lambs, slipped up in range with his gun, and shot a hole into the person of that eagle that you could have 64 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES put a half-inch auger through. And as the little bird flew away with a worm in her beak, she re- marked to herself: "The eagle that soars up in the sky and lives on fresh mutton don't seem in the long run to hold the edge to any considerable extent over the little bluebird who lives on com- mon worms." Uncongf iterate A PLAYFUL young pup, seeing a mule standing near by, quietly filling himself with hay and gaz- ing about in a meditative manner, concluded to have some fun by nipping the mule's heels. A little while later, as the alecky pup's mother looked over the mangled remains of her son, she said : "If that son of mine had asked me, before he tried to spring his little joke, which end of that mule was loaded, he might have been alive and well at this writing." MORAL. It is a mighty good idea for the young to consult their elders before they under- take projects on their own hook. 65 DON'T TEASE AN'IMALS and A HOUSE - CAT, having heard that it belonged to the same family as the tiger, became puffed up on account of the supposed relationship, and went around the neighborhood blowing about his connection with royalty. Shortly afterward the swell-headed cat, seeing a royal Bengal tiger in the zoo, approached the lord of the jungle and with a bland smile remarked : "I am one of your near relatives, and thought I would step up and call on you." "Is that a fact?" asked the tiger, 66 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES with a slight curl of the lip. "Well, come here, cousin, and allow ine to embrace you." Then the fool cat, flattered by this reception, came up within reach of the tiger, who caught it between his jaws and squeezed the life out of it before a person of active speech could say Jack Robin- son. And a companion, who had heard the boast- ing cat talk, said, as it viewed the dead feline lying in the bottom of the tiger's cage: "It oc- curs to me that I would rather be just a common Thomas-cat alive, and be able to sit on the back- yard fence and yowl, than the dead relative of a royal Bengal tiger." politician and t& A MAN who was fool enough to contribute of his substance to a lot of grafters who flattered him into believing that he had a chance to be elected to office, was one day bathing in a pond, when a leech fastened itself to his leg. As soon as the man dis- covered it he hurriedly pulled it off and threw it away. Then the leech, looking after the man 67 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES as he walked away, said : "That fool won't permit a little blood-sucker like me, who only wants a drop or two, to touch him, but he keeps that crowd of big bleeders about him and lets them drain him dry." A SPIDEE carefully wove his net in the corner of the room, and waited for a victim. By-and-by, seeing a fly meandering along in that direction, he invited him in to chat awhile, casually offering to set 'em up as an extra inducement. ''May I ask," said the fly as he brushed a bread crumb off his left eyebrow with his front foot, "why you are so blamed anxious to strike up an acquaintance with an entire stranger? So far -as I know, you never saw me before in your life." "True," re- plied the spider, as he fastened another strand ; "but as soon as I saw you I was stuck on your appearance, and determined that you were the individual I had been looking for to go in with me in a great business venture. I can see iu a minute that you have a great head for business." 68 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES But the fly, instead of being taken in by this sort of talk, simply said : "My fuzzy-headed duffer, I might possibly be caught by the sort of glucose you are giving me, if it wasn't for the fact that I see the remains of a friend of mine from Missouri hang- ing up there in the corner of your establishment. He had to be shown I don't/' And with a light "Ta, ta, I will see you later," the Kansas fly wended his way toward the bald head of a fat man who was slumbering on a neighboring couch. Sop tofjo Heanwd a 3U00on. A MEDDLESOME sort of boy went into a black- smith shop, and seeing a new horseshoe lying on the floor, picked it up. As it had come out of the tire only a few minutes before that, the boy dropped it. with a yell, and began to execute a sort of green-corn dance on the smithy floor. "If you will learn from this, young man," said the smith, as he tied up the boy's hand, "to use your eyes more and your hands less when you are in other people's places of business, you will have more friends, and fewer scars to carry." 69 Coyote and tlie Crane. A KANSAS coyote while dining off the carcass of a jack-rabbit got a splinter of bone fast in his throat, and seeing a sand- hill crane fishing- near by, ran to it, saying: " My friend, yon seem to be mighty handy with that neck of yours. I wish you would be kind enough to fish that piece of bone out of my throat." But instead of complying with the request, the crane slowly closed one optic as it prepared to make a dive for another fisli, and said: "I would have you understand, you sharp-nosed chicken-thief, that I am no Reuben. I was out here in Kansas 70 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES during the boom, and learned that there are a lot of things it is safe to keep out of. You will have to ask some tender-foot to pull that bone for you, or else manage to cough it up yourself." MORAL.- It is the part of wisdom not to put yourself in the power of a scoundrel. Cat and tfie politician. AN injudicious Thomas-cat became engaged in a heated argument with another male feline, who was possessed of considerable more strength and agility than himself. When the argument was ended the first-men- tioned cat was short one ear and an eye. His nose was also split from base to apex, and he had lost enough hair to stuff a small pillow. The unfortunate Thomas-cat crawled feebly under a neighboring porch to take an inventory of what was left of himself, and begin to figure on the question of repairs. Just then two Demo- cratic politicians came out and sat down upon the porch, and began to comment on the election re- 71 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES turns. They insisted that on the whole, the result of the late contest M r as very favorable to the Demo- cratic party. Then a sad smile came over the disfigured coun- tenance of the Thomas-cat, who was listening under the porch, and he said to himself: "I con- clude, after listening to the conversation of those two cheerful ducks, that I must have whipped that other cat after all ; but if I were to whip him again the same way there wouldn't be a piece of hide left on me big enough to make a collarette for a katydid." MOKAL. It is a raw day indeed when a Demo- cratic politician can't get some comfort out of election returns. tfiat A SMALL but belligerent dog was left in charge of a buggy while his master attended to some busi- ness in a neighboring store. A large brindle- complexioned cur happened along that way, and, seeing nothing about the buggy to guard it except the small dog, concluded to help himself to some 72 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES provisions he saw in the vehicle, supposing that his size would bluff the guard. To his astonishment, the small dog did not bluff worth a cent, but on the contrary, made a running jump, climbed all over the brindle cur, and bit him in four different places within three seconds by the watch. Tt was a great, surprise party to the brindle cur, and, filling the surrounding atmosphere with howls of pain, he lit out down the street. As the small dog quietly lay down again under the buggy, he re- marked softly to himself: "I have noticed during my association with both dogs and men, that nerve and activity count for a blamed sight more than size and hair." and t&e Paint A FLY was found by a companion rolling about in great agony. ''What ails you?" inquired the companion in a sympathetic tone of voice. "I have the painter's colic," groaned the sick fly as an expression of agony swept over his countenance. "I thought I would take a few bites off the bright red cheeks of that woman over there, and this is the result." 73 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES fictile and AN observant mule noticed that his master, who was very short on hair, was much bothered by flies lighting on his bald crown, so much so that he frequently expressed himself in language that was unbecoming to a pillar of the church militant. The mule, thinking to make himself useful, watched until a fly settled clown on his master's dome of thought. Then the mule let go with his right hind foot, say- ing to himself as he did so: "I will just knock the tar out of that infernal fly, and win the lasting grati- tude of my master." The kick killed the flv. 74 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES It was some time before the bald-headed man recovered consciousness, but when he did, in- stead of praising the mule as that animal had expected, he gathered up a club and beat him to a fare-you-well. Then the mule went to a horse that was pasturing in the same field, and com- plained of the lack of appreciation on the part of his master, saying: "I killed the fly that was feeding on his bald head, but instead of thank- ing me for my generous act of friendship, he broke my ribs with a club." "My long-eared friend," said the horse as he took another nip of alfalfa, "friendship is all right, but you may learn from this experience that there is such a thing as being too allnred effusive." MORAL. A friend without sense is liable to do more harm than good. S^tetafee of IN the days when the gods and goddesses were doing business on earth, Apollo was reckoned as the leading musician among the deities of the swell 75 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES set. Among the second-class gods was Pan, who cut considerable ice in his own neighborhood, but who never ranked as being in the main push. Pan had fixed up an instrument of reeds with which he could play several old familiar tunes, such as "Zip Coon," "Buffalo Girls, are You Comin' Out To-night ?" and "Down on the Suwanee River," in a way that pleased the jays who were not up on opera music, very much. These admirers praised Pan until he acquired the notion that he was a very warm proposition indeed, and issued a chal- lenge to the effect that he would play a match with any of the musicians, either gods or men, bar none, two best in three. The judges of the contest were to be selected from among the gods and men ; one of the men being King Midas, who supposed that he was a judge of music, though he really knew little more about real melody than an English sparrow. When the contest was called, Pan came with his piccolo and played a few tunes that he had learned by ear. Then Apollo came in with a brand-new harp of his own manufacture. It was a nice harp, and could not be duplicated at this time for less than $2.85. He then proceeded to knock off some 76 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES of the latest opera music, putting on numerous frills such as had not been heard of in thocs parts before. When he was through, all the judges ex- cept Midas immediately decided that Apollo was entitled to the blue ribbon, and that Pan simply wasn't in it. Midas, however, stood out, and de- clared that Pan's style suited him a lot better than the operatic frills put on by Apollo, and that Pan would have his vote. This made Apollo warm under the neckband, and, after making a few sar- castic remarks about a judge who didn't have any more idea of harmony than a swine has of the pro- tective tariff, he said that Midas was a sure-enough ass, and should have ears to suit his character and understanding. Then Apollo ordered a pair of ears put on Midas like the auricular appendages of a Kansas mule, and from that time on King Midas had to pay more for ear-muffs than he had to pay for hats, because the muffs were larger. MORAL. This fable teaches that when Midas saw that the rest of the judges w T ere against him, the smooth thing to have done would have been to look wise and kept his mouth shut. A CUK dog that had just moved into the State and was not onto the ways of the country, jumped up a jack-rabbit and pursued it with great vigor until he nearly wore his fool self out. Finally the rabbit, who had been making a monkey of the cur dog, said, as he straightened himself out and began to scatter space behind him in a way that made tlie cur appear to be standing still : ''Well, my stub-tailed friend, I will have to leave you now, as the folks are expecting me at home. If you had directed your attention to a cottontail cousin of mine instead of trying to stay with me, you might possibly have had some meat by this time." MOKAL. Many an individual wastes his life and energy in trying to travel in a class that is too swift for him. 78 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES Pretentious Two HORSES that bad been reared on tbe same farm were being exhibited at a country fair as competitors for the premium offered for the best work-horse. One of the horses, who had a lot of hard common-sense in his head, went at the task given him just as he did on the farm. He made a strong, steady pull, but put on no flourishes. The other horse, who was considerably puffed up by the fact that he was on exhibition, concluded that he would do something that would excite the wonder and admiration of the crowd, and, by a mighty strain, succeeded in pulling an extraordi- nary load. That evening, as the two horses were standing in their stalls filling their interiors with corn and alfalfa and talking over the events of the day, the horse who had tried to show off suggested to his companion in a pompous manner that he considered himself about the warmest number that ever came down the pike. "Perhaps so," answered the other horse dryly, "but I am think- ing, young fellow, that when the man who has bought you insists on your, keeping up to the 79 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES record you have made to-day, and warms you up with a blacksnake if you don't do it, you may think that you would have been better off if you had not been so allfired warm." MOKAL.- Don't try to create the impression that you are a warmer proposition than you really are. Cfmtci) A STKAXGER in a Kansas town was induced to attend a church social where oysters were served. He was brought a plate of soup in which there was an oyster which had the appearance of having pined away for lack of companionship. In a few moments a female collector came around and sug- gested to the stranger that he dig up the sum of thirty-five cents, which he did. As he pushed back his plate of soup with its sad-looking oyster and started to leave the church, he was waited on by the committee in charge of affairs, who gave him a pressing invitation to attend church the next day. "Thanks- for your invitation," said the weary stranger, as he pushed on toward the door ; 80 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES "but if your religion is as thin as your soup I believe I will hunt for another church." MORAL. You can't swindle a man's stomach and at the same time expect to touch his heart. 25uff0 anli tfje (Enfflisl) fepartotog. A FAMILY of bugs were preparing to make a raid on some fruit trees, when one of the younger ones happened to notice a parcel of English spar- rows chattering around in the immediate vicinity of the trees, and turning to its mother, said with alarm : ".Mother, we had better hike out from here or those birds will get every mother's son of us." But the old bug kept right on heading for the tree, as she calmly replied: "My son, those birds can fuss and fight and raise more trouble for their size than any birds I ever saw, but I never knew one to catch a bug or a worm." MOKAL. There are many people 'who stir up a good deal of trouble and make lots of noise, but when it comes to doing anything useful they are not in evidence. 81 3mitatibe A GOAT that be- longed to a man who was continually roar- Ing about something or other, was de- tected in the act of lunching on a some- what frayed suit of his master's last win- ter's underwear which had been washed and hung on the line to dry. But when the hired girl went after the goat with a bit of a board, he protested, saying : "Please do not get too gay with me, young woman. I am simply following the example of our master, and chewing the rag." Hiding-Sufi; and tlje flfiia* Jigurr. A KISSING-BUG, which was flitting along the street of a town, noticed w r hat he supposed was a handsome pink-cheeked maiden standing in front TOM McNEAL'S FABLES of a dry-goods store, and said to himself: "There is a pair of lips for you. I will make those other fool bugs green with envy when I tell them what a soft snap I struck in the way of osculation." But when the kissing-bug lit on the lips of the figure and began to work his kissing apparatus, he was surprised to find that the supposed female exhibited no interest in the performance, and the only effect was to batter and bruise his mug until he wasn't able to attend to business for a week. When he returned home and told his troubles to his parent, the old bug, who had had some experience with wax figures himself, said, as he gave his de- scendant the bug-laugh: "My son, the inexperi- enced fool judges from appearances, but after awhile you will learn that you can't always bank on cherry lips and a beautiful complexion." iupitet and rf)f Iliac, p. IN the early time, when Tupiter was supposed to have a sort of general supervision of things, and complaints were made to him in person, a wasp 83 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES flew in one day and told Jupe that she would like to have a little private conversation with him. "Well, what 's up now ?" asked Jupiter, as he shut one eye and squinted along a fresh thunder- bolt, to see if the shaft was straight. "It is this way," said the wasp, as she glanced down at her slender waist : "I think I can say without boast- ing that none of the birds or insects lay it over me in the matter of shape and complexion, and 1 am satisfied you will say so yourself. I ought to be the leader of the swell set, but for some reason or other that tacky honey-bee, that has no more style than a cow, can get into society where I can't. I want to know what is the trouble." "Well," said Jupiter, as he tested the point of the thunderbolt with his thumb-nail, "to tell you the truth, your shape is all right, but that bilious disposition of yours would keep anybody out of society." flfllatc&doff and tfie A HOUSEWIFE who was engaged in the poultry business noticed that her eggs were disappearing with marked rapidity, and she set a trained and 84 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES trusted housedog to guard the henhouse. Scarcely had the housedog taken his position as guard, when, he was visited by an obsequious hound, who began to proclaim his own virtues and vehemently de- clare that he had never sucked an egg in his life ; but the watchdog, after listening to his story, dryly replied: "My lop-eared friend, if you had kept your mouth shut and not made this talk until there were some charges filed against you, my at- tention might not have been attracted to that smear of egg on your jaw. As it is now, unless you pull out of here at. a right lively gait I will bite enough bologna out of you to feed two families for one meal." MOEAL. The individual who is in the habit of proclaiming his own honesty, as a rule cannot be trusted for a minute. Cfje S^uti'SDaufaer anto tfie Pantaloons A "MUD-DAUBER" that was looking through a tumble-down house for a location where she might build her nest and rear her young, noticed 85 TOM McNEAL'S. FABLES hanging on the wall a pair of pantaloons with two holes worn through the basement. Seeing this, the female "mud-dauber" said to her mate: "We will build our nest right here. The man who owns those trousers is out somewhere sitting on a store- box and wearing holes in the seat of another pair; and even if he comes home, he won't have enough energy to' drive us out from here." And as the summer went on, the happy "mud-daubers" built their nest and reared their young undis- turbed, while the man who had worn the panta- loons still sat on the store-box and whittled and spat and growled about the times. MORAL. A man can frequently be sized up by the way in which he wears out his pantaloons. C&icken, A BOARDER in a restaurant who had ordered spring chicken, set up a roar when the piece of cooked fowl was set before him, saying to the waiter: "What do you mean by trying to palm this off on me for spring chicken ? Why, I 86 87 TOM McXKAL'S FABLES couldn't cut it with an ax." "Calm yourself, my excited friend/' said the undisturbed waiter, as he carelessly picked a cockroach out of the milk- pitcher; "that is spring chicken all right, enough, jus-t as represented, hut it was raised in Kentucky, where toughness is no indication of age." Pljilantijroptet and t&e Buiiard. A TEUE philanthropist found the nest of a buz- zard, and took from it one of the young birds that was not yet able to fly. The man had a notion that by careful raising he could make quite a handsome and cleanly bird out of that young buz- zard.- He accordingly put the bird among his chickens, and fed it on clean corn and chop feed. The buzzard ate the feed because there did not seem to be anything else handy, but it was evident that it was not entirely happy. At last there came a day when the young bird's wings were strong enough that it could fly, and spreading its pinions, it sailed over the chicken-yard fence and up into the azure blue. But it did not stay long 88 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES in the azure blue, for it smelled the carcass of a horse that had departed this life a week or such a matter previously. And when the man that, had taken the buzzard to raise and train in the way that was right went out to look for it, he / CT' / found it filling its interior with the putrid flesh of the deceased horse in a way that was shocking indeed. Seeing this, the godd man said: "'I might feed you on angel-food and bathe you in rose-water, but the first chance you got you would fill yourself with carrion and associate with buz- t zards." MOKAL. It is hard to get any good out of a bad breed. C5erman Carp. A GERMAN carp that had filled up on spoiled meat, slops and other delicacies of that sort, had grown fat and much "stuck" on himself. One day the carp, hearing a bass complain because a fisherman had tried to catch it with a hook, said: "You should watch me. I am permitted to live here undisturbed, as you see, because the 89 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES owner of this pond could not get along without me." But a pickerel, that knew the standing of the carp in the community in which it resided, remarked as it swam by: "My fat-bellied friend, if you were aware of your standing in this com- munity, you would know that you are left alone because nobody figures that you are worth kill- ing." MORAL. Many people think themselves popu- lar, when as a matter of fact they are not attacked because nobody considers them worth paying attention to. Camage^orse and tjje A HANDSOME, light-built carriage-horse, who was kept well groomed and who never did any heavier work than pull a light buggy on a gd road, was guying a patient, muckle-dun mule, saying that if he had no more style about his movement than a mule, he would hunt up a horse- pond and drown himself. "I will admit," retorted the mule, "that you are a daisy in appearance, but I have also noticed that when the man who runs this ranch gets in a tight place with a load he calls on me, but he never thinks of you." MORAL. Those who make a deal of show on dress parade are of mighty little use in a pinch. TOM McNEAL'S FABLES $SLTI toitl) t&e Cfjtomatic A MAN who loved to fill his interior with the vintage of '49, and also with the vintages of later dates, was complaining of the hardness of the times and the unpainted and tumble-down appear- ance of his house. And the man.'s horse, who had stood out many a night unblanketed and unfed, while his master gathered in a jag, hearing the complaints, said : "If that master of mine had spent as much money painting his house as he has in frescoing that nose of his, he might have it looking like a picture gallery inside and out long before this." (Cagl* anto t&e QttamImff Two DOGS, who had a difference of opinion about some trifling matter, called in an eagle to act as referee. The eagle (who was hungry for fresh meat anyway) eagerly assented, and encour- aged the dogs to fight it out to a finish in order to show their prowess and indomitable courage. The dogs, egged on by the words of the eagle, 92 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES fought until one of them was dead and the other so near it that he was helpless. Then the eagle, who had encouraged the fight and urged the dogs to hang on, turned in on the dead dog and filled itself with fresh dog-flesh. And a coyote standing near, who had seen the battle^ said softly, as he licked his chops and waited for a chance to get in on the feast himself : "Neither of those fool dogs could see that the eagle was encouraging their quarrel because it wanted meat." MORAL.: The individual who is continually trying to stir up a fuss between other people, does so because he thinks there is something in it for him. SDteadtmntagejS ot A TRAMP, meeting a citizen on the highway, asked him for a donation, on the ground that he was a cripple, one of his legs being several inches shorter than the other. The citizen was interested in the case, and began to make inquiries: "Were you born that way, my poor fellow, or did that 93 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES short limb shrink up after you wore grown?" "Neither one," answered the tramp. "My short limb is not the trouble. It is the other leg that compels me to ask your charity. I was once A happy and prosperous man, with two as good legs as there were in this neck of woods. I was fool enough to mix in politics. I ran for office and was in the hands of my friends. You see what my friends did to that leg. When the campaign opened it was an eighth of an inch shorter than the other one. Xow it exceeds the other in length by fifteen inches. If you have ten cents about your person, loan it to me, that I may go drown my sorrow." MORAL. The wise man will steer clear of politics unless he has a tolerably sure thing and is able to go away on a visit during the cam- paign. flflloo&pfcket and t&e flflltee A CUKIOUS woodpecker, noticing the glass in- sulator on a telegraph pole, commenced pecking at it to find out what was- inside. He stayed with TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the job for some time, pecking with great vigor, but only succeeded in breaking his bill without having any effect on the insulator. Finally a wise old bird, who had been in the city many times before, seeing what the young woodpecker was trying to do, called to him, saying: "My red- headed young friend, if you will have sense enough hereafter to ask a few questions before you tackle something you know nothing about, you may not be out quite so much for repairs on that bill of yours." ^etogpaper Eiar to!)o toag feafceto. A MAN who had been a reporter on a yellow journal was taken sick, and finally appeared to be dead. But though to all appearances he had passed over into the uncertain hence, his friends refused to bury him. On the third day after the reporter was supposed to have passed from earth, an acquaintance dropped in and spoke to the man in charge of the remains, saying: "Why do you not bury this man ? He is as dead as he will ever get, and should be put away." But the man in 96 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES charge shook his nead, and answered: "He acts as if he were dead, and appearances are that way ; but I have known him for ten years, and he has always been such a liar that I won't believe he is dead until I get a certificate from the doorkeeper of Hades stating that he has arrived and regis- tered." And the next day the reporter awoke from a trance, and after thanking his friends for not burying him alive, he arose and went out to write a story about a political conspiracy. MORAL. There seem to be some advantages in being a liar, after all. A PAIR of 'possums were strolling through the wood, when they saw a citizen of African descent approaching. Then one of the animals, who was not an experienced judge of human nature, sug- gested to his companion that they play "dead'' until the African citizen had gone by. "Not on your life!" said the other, who had been a close observer of things for some time; "this playing- 97 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES dead racket might work on a white man, but if you undertake to play dead with a man who has the lip and complexion of the fellow coming yonder, you will be a dead 'possum sure enough, inside of fifteen minutes. The only show for us is to get out of this neighborhood before he gets his eye on us." MORAL. It is a good idea to size up an indi- vidual carefully before YOU undertake to work him. and tijr Oouor-Ciit. A MEPHITIS, desiring to get into society, sent an invitation to a large and handsome house-cat to attend a banquet to be given at the home of the former. The cat, however, firmly but respectfully declined the invitation, saying: "You look re- spectable enough, and I have no doubt the feed will be up to date, but I have observed that no- body can associate with you and not smell bad for weeks after." MORAL. You can't be too careful about your associates. 98 Cmapin. A LAJN'D terrapin persisted in crawling along in the public highway, until finally a loaded wagon came along, and the terrapin, not being swift enough to get out of the way, was run over and crushed. A little while after, a wise fox, happening along that way, saw the re- mains of the turtle lying in the road, and said: "Another case of a fool who tried to get into the procession when he ought to have known that with his movement he should have stayed out on one side and watched it go by." MORAL. The individual who isn't swift enough to keep up with the procession had better not undertake it. He will surely get run over. 99 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES plodding AMONG a herd of swine was one that was slow and plodding. And when the farmer-man who owned the hogs came out to give them their fe-id of corn, he threw a good bunch of ears out first and then started to scatter the remainder along on the ground. And the herd, with the excep- tion of the slow and plodding hog, ran after the farmer-man, thinking that he was holding back the best, but the plodding hog settled himself down to work and filled up on the big yellow ears that had been thrown out first. After the other hogs had quarreled and fought over the few scattering ears that the farmer had left in the basket, they came back to the first bunch of ears with their hunger unsatisfied, and found that the plodding hog had pretty well cleaned up the lot. Then, as the slow and plodding hog, whose hunger was satisfied, stood back and watched the others pick over what he had left, he gave a satisfied grunt, and said: "My fellow-rooters, this ought to dem- onstrate to you that it doesn't pay to leave a sure thing to run after a mere prospect." 100 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES SDoff and t&e 25umblebee. AN exceedingly fat and indolent dog was one day strolling through a field, when a bumblebee, whose home had been disturbed by some mischiev- ous boys, seeing the dog, made a dive for him and socked its stinger into an exposed part of the dog's person. The startled canine gave a howl of pain and lit out at a rate that would have made a grey- hound envious. Then a jack-rabbit who wit- nessed the astonishing burst of speed, said: "If that dog would only get a move on him like that when he is hunting rabbits, I would proceed to move out of this neighborhood." MORAL. There are a lot of people in the world who could accomplish a great deal more if they were only forced to get a move on themselves. and tfie SDonfetp. A HORSE and a donkey that were traveling to- gether got lost in a desert place, and were without food until they were both as empty as the promises 101 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES of a fusion politician. Finally they came to a place where there grew a number of cactus plants and thistles. Then the donkey gave a bray of satisfaction and began to fill up on the vegeta- tion at hand, but the proud horse, who couldn't go that sort of provender, railed at the donkey, saying : "What an inferior and contemptible brute you are, to consent to eat that sort of stuff!" But the donkey placidly remarked, as he nipped off the leaf of a cactus : "You may be right about my general appearance, my young fellow, but it occurs to me just now that it is a good sight better to have my capacity to adapt myself to circumstances, than to have your shape and pedi- gree." CClisr Clrpljam. A CIKCUS elephant who was onto his job, was filling himself with peanuts furnished by a crowd of spectators, who amused themselves by laughing at his movements and ridiculing him on account of his awkwardness and lack of beauty. Then a giraffe called the attention of the elephant to 103 103 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the flippant remarks of the crowd, and the fact that they were laughing at him, asking at the same time why he did not resent it. "Let 'em laugh and be blowed," said the elephant as he stowed away another handful of peanuts. "As long as they keep putting up the peanuts it is immaterial to me what they say about my personal appearance." MORAL. Just attend to business, and do not mind what people may say about your looks. (Unfortunate A NUMBER of cattle were feeding at a rack, when one of the very strongest happened to get his head fast between the rungs and was unable to get loose. As soon as this fact was ascertained, every runty steer in the lot came up and began to gore the one who was fast. After. they had gored him to their full satisfaction they went away and con- gratulated one another on the manner in which they had done up the big steer. Then an animal in another field close by, that had watched the per- 104 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES fonnance across the fence, said: "It is well for you runts to do jour boasting now, but when that steer gets loose each one of you will swear that you were his friend.'' MORAL. The mean and contemptible individ- ual fawns on the powerful in order to curry favor, but as soon as the powerful friend is in trouble the fawner is readv to turn and rend him. S$an and t&e full l&ipe A MAX who had never had an ache or a pain was lecturing his fellow-travelers through this vale of tears on the uselessness of worry and the wrong of ill-temper. A month after that, a large- carmine-complexioned boil located on the back of that man's neck. And one day, when the boil was at high tide, the man was riding in a car, when a careless boy, clambering around over the seat behind, hit the ripening boil a jolt that made the man who was carrying it feel as if he had been struck with a lyddite shell. Then the man turned and reached for that boy with great vigor, 105 TOM McNEAI/S FABLES and spoke words to him that would not be proper to repeat in a Christian Endeavor meeting. And one of the travelers who had heard the man lecture on the wrong-fulness of ill-temper remarked in a voice so low that the man with the boil could not hear: "A full ripe boil seems to knock out a theory." MORAL. It is mighty easy to be good when there isn't a thins; the matter with you. and ttje Coin Ctatl. A FOOLISH young dog went out hunting with his mother, and soon discovered a hollow log where a rabbit had rested the day l>efore. Then. the young dog rushed at the hollow log and began :i furious barking, until his mother came up, and after one sniff said: "My son, you will never cut any ice as a hunter if you waste your time backing at the place where the rabbit stayed yesterday." MORAL. The chump who spends his time look- ing up cold trails will never accomplish any thing- worth speaking of in life. 106 feporttbe Kam. A FARMER, who was a lover of nature, and also a keeper of sheep, was walking through a pasture- lot and stooped down to pluck a tender flower. And as the agriculturist stooped to cull the blos- som, a large and vigorous ram, allured by the prospect, took a running shoot, and hitting the farmer near the base of the spine turned him a summersault and also propelled him about two rods through the atmosphere. For an hour or two after that the ram had considerable fun talk- ing the thing over with the crowd of sheep, and describing the manner in which he had knocked out the agriculturist. But on the following day the farmer returned with a gun, and killed the ram and dressed him and sold his carcass to the uninformed for lamb chops. And as one of the ram's companions saw the farmer carrying away 107 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES the remains of her former consort, she said to an alecky lamb that was taking some gymnastic exer- cises near by: "My son, I observe that you show a disposition to be unduly gay. Take warning from the fate of your father, and remember that there is such a thing as carrying a joke too far." &timtilit Cook. A WOMAN who was a member of a prominent cooking-club persuaded her husband to purchase a dog as a house-guard. The third day after the dog had been taken home by the woman's husband, it was seen hiking out across the country on a keen lope, and it had the look of a dog that was not fig- uring on returning. An old acquaintance, meet- ing the traveler, hailed him, and asked why he was leaving that comfortable home to take his chances in a cruel world. "Isn't the lady of the house agreeable?" asked the friend. "Agreeable enough," replied the dog who was emigrating, as he headed for a bone by the roadside, "but she insists on feeding me on her scientifically 108 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES constructed biscuit, and my stomach simply won't stand the strain." Slpafceg t&e Sbillttmte. A KANSAS farmer was the father of a daughter who was remarkably plain in appearance. Her feet did not seem to track exactly as she walked, and her breath was strong enough to bale hay with. Xone of the youth in that section seemed to take to the farmer's daughter and the years were roll- ing on. Then things began to come the farmer's .way. He sold forty thousand bushels of wheat for a dollar a bushel, and during the years of Repub- lican prosperity sold several bunches of cattle, receiving therefor rolls of money as thick as the leg of a Xorman horse. And when it became known that the farmer had bought another section of good bottom land and likewise had a large wad of money in the bank, suitors came about, seeking the hand of his daughter. Then the old farmer, who was no bug-eater, even if he did allow the hair to grow long on the back of his neck, com- 109 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES inuned with himself, saying: "I observe that cash not only perfumes the breath, but seems to cure all defects of form and complexion." Colt. A COLT that had roughed it through the winter and was still covered with an enormous coat of hair, was feeling itchy and uncomfortable, and while in this condition he happened to hear a long-haired man, who was standing on the corner, complaining of the government, the times, the conditions of society, the administration at Wash- ington, and asserting that the country was on the verge of several varieties of ruin. After the colt had listened to the harangue for some time, it said : as it leaned up against a fence-post to scratch: ''That man and I will both feel a heap better after we shed our hair." >tomac[) tfjat Ktbdled. A MAN who was a lover of rich grub was in the habit of stuffing himself three times a day, while no Ill TOM McNEAL'S FABLES at the same time lie was too indolent to take any exercise. Finally the man's stomach called the brain up by telephone and said: "Hello, there, you notify this dod-gasted fool who owns me, that unless he works those legs of his a great deal more and me a great deal less, he will find a strike organized in his system that will make him think Hades has broken loose." MOKAL. Usually a man's stomach gives him fair Avarning, but usually he hasn't sense enough to listen. 2Droto0j> Boy. A YOUTH who loved repose was called repeat- edly by his paternal ancestor to arise and go out and feed the horses; but the youth slept on. Finally the old man gathered a trunk-strap in his strong right hand, and without saying a word started up the stairway. But before his heavy boot had struck the third step the youth bounded out of his couch and began to put on his garments. Then a wise parrot, whose cage was hanging in the room, observing the movement of the boy, 112 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES said in a musing way: "The sound of the old man's boot on the stair isn't near so loud as his first call, but it appears to be a sight more pene- trating." MORAL. It isn't the volume of sound that a man may make that counts. It depends on whether or not the sound means business. ^Buarrpman and t&e A CAREFUL man, who was running a stone quarry, found among the rocks one winter day a den of rattlesnakes. Xot a snake showed any signs of life, but the man proceeded carefully to cut the ends off every snake. "Why do you do that?" asked a bystander. "Those snakes seem to be dead already." "It rnay be they are," said the careful man, "but I always feel a lot safer around a dead snake when I know that he hasn't any head to bite with." MORAL. While you are doing up a bad thing, it is good sense to do it up so that there will be no question about it staying done. 113 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES jFable fe&otomo; t&e lvalue of A MAN, the bridge of whose nose had been broken down at some time in the past, was one day asked by his curious son: "Father, what is the trouble with that nose of yours ?" "My son," answered the man, with a far-away look, "that nose is the result of an unwise thirst for knowl- edge. When it was younger and less experienced than it is now it undertook to stick itself into an- other man's business. It has never been so hand- some or so ambitious since that time." Mmocetogf and t&* S^ogfquttoeg. A BHINOCEEOS, who was traveling through In- diana in connection with an aggregation of wild beasts and other living wonders, was resting in his cage after the heat and burdens of the day, when a flock of mosquitoes from the Wabash bot- toms flew that way, looking for business and amusement combined. And the leader of the flock, who carried a bill as long as the tine of a 114 115 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES , carving-fork, seeing the rhinoceros, said to its companions : "We will just light down on this lub- berly beast and give him a taste of high life on the Wabash." The rhinoceros said not a word, but smiled as he used to smile in his native jungle when he saw a good thing in prospect, and rubbed his nose horn on the side of the cage as the mosquitoes tackled him. And when they had finally given up the thing as a bad job and flown away each with a broken bill, the beast gave a grunt of satisfaction and remarked: "I Avonder if there are any more chumps around here who would like to go up against this hide of mine ? If there are any others who would like to have some fun with me, I am open for engagements.'' MOKAL. The thick-skinned individual has considerable advantage in this world. Boj? auto tije C5un. A BOY became the owner of a new gun, of which he was very proud. One day he was show- ing the gun to a one-eyed man, and started to 116 TOM MoNEAL'S FABLES look into the muzzle to see if the barrel was; clean, but the man with the single optic restrained him, saying : "My boy, 3-011 think that gun is un- loaded, and that it is perfectly safe to look into the muzzle end. I used to cherish such an opinion myself. If I hadn't been so sure, this off eye would have been the real thing instead of glass."' MOKAL. It is always safe to keep at the back end of a gun, whether it is loaded or not. Uijcrr are iDratobacks to all Conditions. A BOY w r ho was suffering from a severe attack of spring fever, but who was compelled, in spite of his indisposition, to go out and hoe in the gar- den, saw a large fat dog lying on the porch, sleep- ing in the sunshine.' " Would that ^ were a dog," said the boy as he wearily leaned on his hoe-handle ; "I would have nothing to do then but eat and sleep." Just then the lady of the house came to the door, and seeing the dog lying on the porch, which she had lately scrubbed, she was overcome with indignation, and going into the kitchen got a 117 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES cup of hot water which she threw on the sleeping- dog, who waked up and ran away with a howl of pain. "I guess, maybe," said the boy, thought- fully, as he commenced to slowly work his hoe again, "that I am not so blamed anxious to be a dog after all." MORAL. All conditions of life have their draw- backs. Wbt Eusljer and ttje (Btraffe. A LTSIIKR who was visiting a show l>ecame much interested in the giraffe, so that he could hardly be persuaded to leave the cage. Finally, when he was compelled to go, he turned with a long and thirsty look toward the animal and said: "Would that I had a neck like yours, so that I could taste a fifteen-cent drink for six feet. Life would begin to be worth living." ^ppocijondriac and t&e Bop. A HYPOCHONDRIAC, who was always com- plaining about the condition of his health, asserted 118 119 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES that whenever he sat down he felt as if he would never be able to rise again. And a boy, hearing the man's dolorous speech, deftly bent a long sharp-pointed pin and placed it on the chair in which the man was about to seat himself. When the man sat down, something over a half-inch of that pin was inserted in his person, and with amazing alacrity he bounded into the atmosphere, at the same time letting out a yell that might have been heard a block away. "I observe," said the boy, as he rapidly slid around the corner and out of sight, "that he doesn't get up like a man who is so allfired sick, after all." MORAL. All that many a grumbler needs is something to stir him up. fec&ool^op ann t&e 9u0culat 3n0ttuctor. AN indolent school-boy incurred the displeasure of his preceptor, who gave him a severe lecture on his shortcomings. The boy, feeling aggrieved, told a companion, who advised him to give the 120 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES school teacher a piece of his mind. "But," said the boy, doubtfully, "if I express my real senti- ments on this subject he will warm me up so that I will ache for a week." "Xo danger," said the companion. "He gave me the same kind of a talk- ing-to that he did you, and I said right out what my opinion of him was, and he never touched me." Encouraged by this information, the indolent boy repeated his offense the next day, and the teacher talked to him more severely than he had on the previous day. Then the boy, remembering what his companion had told him of his experience, turned loose on the teacher and told him that he was the meanest man who had ever undertaken to run a school. Instead, however, of weakening, as the boy had expected, the teacher, who was a mus- cular man, took the boy and bent him across his knee, and for a few moments the unfortunate youth howled a staccato accompaniment to the sound of a paddle laid on where it would do the most good. The next day, while the indolent boy was still feeling sore and sad, he met the com- panion on account of whose advice he had gotten into trouble, and said to him : "Why did you lie to 121 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES me, and tell me that the teacher didn't say a word back when you cussed him the other day?" "It was no lie," replied the other boy, as he winked his other eye. "I said just what I told you I said, and he never said a word back to me, but I forgot to tell you at the time that he was two miles away, and might not have heard what I said." MORAL. There are a good many people who are mighty brave when there is no danger. / Ci)r Coj'otr and tljr cHatrfj=Do(j. A COYOTE who looked as if he might have seen better days, applied to a watch-dog for the job of guarding a hen-roost. But the dog, who was per- sonally acquainted with the coyote, turned down the application of the coyote, saying: "Why, you are the most notorious chicken-thief that ever struck the State !" "I will admit," said the coyote, "that my for- mer record was somewhat shady, but I have re- pented, and am now one of the howlingest reform- ers you ever struck." 122 123 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES "Your talk would go considerably farther with me," answered the mastiff, "if I didn't happen to know that you didn't commence to reform as long as there was a hen-roost in your neighbor- hood that wasn't guarded. You may pass yourself off as a genuine reformer to some stranger, but if you stay around here T will make you think be- fore I get through with you that it would have been more than four dollars in your pocket if you had never been born." and t&e AN itinerant preacher, who had just delivered a fervent discourse on the beauties and joys of Heaven, started to walk a few miles to fill another appointment. As he was traveling along the road, a man in a wagon overtook him and asked him to ride. The minister climbed up on the seat with the driver and began to discourse on the beauty of the future life and the desirability of a residence in the ISTew Jerusalem. The driver seemed in- terested to such an extent that he neglected his 124 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES horses, and allowed the wagon-wheel to strike a stone. For a moment he looked alarmed, and then, turning to the minister, said: "I am glad you are anxious for Heaven; we came mighty near going there just then." "How is that?" said the minister in some alarm. "Well, this wagon is loaded with dynamite, and another jolt like that would blow this whole outfit, into the kingdom come." "Let me out and I will walk," said the preacher, as the sweat started on his forehead. "I want to go to Heaven, but not right now, and then I would like to go in one piece." "And I had thought from the way that man talked," said the driver, as "he went on alone, "that he was just a-hungering for the joys of Heaven." SDoff anto t&e ^ot A DOG that had acquired a great appetite for sweets was present at a taffy-pulling, and seeing a piece of wax that had just come from the stove, hurriedly snapped it up. For the next minute he was the busiest dog in that part of the country, 125 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES trying to let go of that bit of taffy, and when he finally managed to get most of it clawed out of his mouth and was laving his jaws at the water-trough, he spoke these words of wisdom to his fellow-dogs, who Kad seen the manner in which he had cavorted : "Kemember, my fellow-canines, that it is fre- quently a good deal easier to get hold of what seems to be a good thing than it is to let go." MORAL. Read this fable over a couple of times, before you rush into what looks like a good specu- lation. Soutfi and tfie AN alecky youth from the city, while visiting the country saw a beautiful cone hanging from the limb of a tree, and said: "I will take this beautiful work of nature home as a souvenir/' And an aged farmer-man who was sowing turnip- seed near by remarked: "If I was you, young feller, I would let that suvner business out." But the youth, thinking the aged man was a jay, did not heed his words, but reached up and knocked the cone from the tree with his cane. 126 127 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES When he came to, the aged farmer-man, who was anointing with horse liniment the places where the hornets had hit him, remarked with slow but dis- tinct speech : "If you had taken my advice, young feller, you Avouldn't have had so much practical experience, but you would have looked a heap p.urtier." Ctmid Coto. A cow, which had always been of a remarkably sweet temper, became the mother of a red-complex- ioned and wabbly-limbed calf, of which she was exceedingly proud and which she guarded with zealous care. One day a dog, w r ho had been in the habit of driving the cow where he pleased and regarded her as not having the least courage, and as being the easiest mark in the entire herd, seeing the calf, concluded to have some fun with it; but to the astonishment of the dog, the cow made a sudden rush and tossed him something over a rod into the atmosphere. When he came to suffi- ciently to recognize things, a companion, who had seen him tossed upward, said : "Well, my brindle 128 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES friend, you may learn from this circumstance that a cow who has nothing but herself to look after and a cow with an offspring to care for are two en- tirely different propositions." i MORAL. The timid become brave in defense of their own. Cramp to&o Bn&ergtood A TRAMP, who in his earlier and more pros- perous days had been a politician, stopped at a house, and raising his battered hat to the woman who came to the door with a deep frown on her face, said: ''Madam, I am a hungry wayfarer, but I do not come here to ask for food or charity. I noticed this house as I was passing, and said to myself : *I can tell by the appearance of this place that it is presided over by a lady w'ho is cultured in mind, neat in person, and an excellent cook.' 1 could not resist the temptation to ask if I might sit here for a few minutes and rest," Then the lady said, with a benevolent smile: "I see, poor man, that you are no common tramp." She thereupon brought out enough pie, cake and meat 129 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES to feed a strong hired man. And when the tramp had filled himself to the limit and moved off down the road without having been even asked to chop a stick of wood, he communed with himself, say- ing: ''Verbal glucose is cheap, but I know of nothing that yields bigger returns on the invest- ment." MOKAL. There is nothing like understanding human nature. A MAN on a sleeping-car was snoring at a rate that made the windows in the next coach ahead rattle. The other passengers made a roar, and de- manded that the man either let up or leave the car. After listening to their protests for a few minutes, the man said: "It occurs to me that your roar is without reason. I am closer to that snore than any man in this car, and it hasn't dis- turbed me a particle." MOKAL. Few people are able to see their own faults. 130 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES Bop to&o Eobed a iofee not mtetly but fflfcH. A LAD who had taken a great deal of interest in a lot of April-fool jokes, concluded that he could have fun right along the same way after April 1st. He therefore arose early on the second day of April, and secretly emptied the contents of the salt-cellar into the sugar-bowl. And the lad's paternal ancestor, not expecting the April-fool business to be carried on like a continued story, dumped two spoonfuls of salt from the sugar-bowl into his coffee. Then the boy laughed a gleeful laugh, and shouted "April fool !" at his parent. But to his surprise, his parent failed to see the joke; on the contrary, he turned his descendant across his knee and warmed him up with his strong right hand until the boy howled so that he could be heard over -in the adjoining township. When the old man finally let the boy up, he re- marked: "My son, you will remember after this, that the success of a joke depends on the time and place in which it is sprung." . There is nothing more liable to get 131 132 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES a young person into trouble than cuteness with- out discretion. TO* 25op toitf) a SDteableU 3ato, A BOY met with an accident which so disabled his jaw that he was unable to use it without suf- fering great pain. A physician was called in, and after a careful examination he pronounced the injury permanent, and told the boy's father that, while the jaw would probably cease to pain the boy, he would never be able to make much use of it. "Happy man that I am!" exclaimed the father. "If that boy had perfect use of his jaw he might turn out to be either a politician or a prize-fighter." MORAL. There are mighty few things you can't get some comfort out of if you only try. TO* >lto ^orstt to&o (Kot A HORSE that had made a great record for in- telligent and faithful service, was persuaded by 133 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES a giddy young filly to run away, kick the dash- board out of the buggy he was hitched to, spoil a fifty-dollar set of harness, and raise thunder generally. When finally the jamboree was ended the old horse was brought back to the stable, given a good licking for his foolishness, tied up in the stall, and not allowed to run out in the pasture; and finally, instead of being allowed to haul the light family carriage, he was reduced to the ranks and compelled to pull the heavy plow through the hot summer days, his owner saying by way of ex- planation, that he proposed to take some of the gayety out of the old fool. And as the poor horse toiled on, pulling the plow, with joints stiff and shoulders sore, he said sadly to himself: "I per- ceive that one fool break is liable to ruin a repu- tation that it has taken several years to build up." jfo*. A FOX, seeing a fowl tied under what seemed to be a box, and within easy reach, sauntered up and made a close examination. After sniffing 134 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES about for some time the fox turned and trotted slowly away. On the road away from the box he met a coon, who was also out looking for chick- ens, and who had seen the fowl at a distance. "Why," asked the coon, "did you let that soft snap go ? Aren't you hungry for chicken to-day ?" "Hungry?" answered the fox; "well, I should rise o ejaculate that I am hungry; never have had a better appetite and less to satisfy it than right now; but I recollect that a fool friend of mine only a few weeks ago went after a soft snap just like the one you see over yonder, and yesterday I happened to be passing the house of the man who owns this neck of woods, and I saw the hide of my friend hanging out by the barn." to&m ^e toas only A AIAN who had acquired the impression that he was afflicted with several serious diseases, was in the habit of dosing himself with patent medi- cines and lying in bed while his wife supported 135 136 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES him and the rest of the family by taking in wash- ing. Finally a physician, who was onto the situa- tion, remarked to the wife : "Madam, if you will announce to that husband of yours that you hav? concluded to take a vacation from the tub, and that he will have to either hustle for a living or starve, you will see his health improve faster than any man's you ever saw." MOKAJ.. There are plenty of people who im- agine they are sick, when, as a matter of fact, it is selfishness and laziness that ails them. alligator and UK "Coaas. Ax alligator lay basking in the sun at the edge of a bayou, with his mouth open. The alligator appeared to be asleep, but as a matter of 'fact he wasn't, lie had a plan. By-and-by a bug crawled in between the alligator's jaws, partly on an in- vestigating tour and partly because it seemed to be a cool, shady place. Then another bug fol- lowed the first, and then a whole family of bugs of different, breeds. Then a troop of flies wan- 137 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES dered in and settled down, on the tongue of the alligator. After the flies came two toads, with the idea of getting in their work on the flies. Then came more bugs and more flies and more toads. But while these various insects and toads were enjoying the cool retreat of the alligator's mouth, there was one wise and cautious toad who con- tinued to hop about on the outside, gathering up a fly here and there as it could. "Come inside here/' called one of the toads that was squatted near a molar of the alligator. "This is altogether the softest snap that we have struck in our whole lives." Just then the alligator, who concluded that he had a mouthful, suddenly snapped his jaws to- gether and swallowed all the fool toads, bugs and flies that had come inside the opening in his face. "I have noticed all my life long," said the wise toad, as he hopped away, after seeing his com- panions disappear, '"that the fool who goes up against another person's game will get the worst of it in the end." 138 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES ^ounti and tfje A HOUND, who had a long slender muzzle, of which he was exceedingly proud, met a stub-nosed bulldog, and began to make sarcastic remarks in regard to the smeller and jaw of the latter. "If L had that nose of yours," said the hound, "I would have something put on it to draw it out into a decent shape." "In regard to this nose of mine," retorted the bulldog, as an expression came into his eye that indicated trouble, "I have so far found that it was long enough to answer all the purposes for which I wish to use it. If it were longer, I might have trouble in keeping it out of other folks' business." Jealous peacock* A PKOUD peacock, who had a tail of rare beauty, was in the habit of posing about the yard, and at- tracted considerable attention by the size and brilliancy of his narrative. He finally came to think indeed that he was the only pebble on the 139 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES beach. One day he noticed that the mistress of the house, and in fact all the people around the place, were attracted by the song of a little canary-bird hanging in a cage on the porch. This made the peacock warm under his neck-feathers, and he' gave his tail an extra flirt, hoping to attract the at- tention of the people away from the little bird; but it was of no use, as the canary still contin- ued to hold the people with its song. Then the exasperated peacock remarked to himself: ''I don't propose to be outclassed by any trifling little snipe of a canary-bird. If it is singing you want, I will tune up and trill a few notes myself." But when the peacock opened his mouth and tried a burst of song he made such an infernal noise that the man of the house set a large brindle dog on him and drove him out of the yard. And as the dog spat out a mouthful of feathers and turned from the chase, he remarked : "As long as you de- pended on your feathers and your shape, you had a fair standing in society, but when you open your mouth you get your foot in it." -MORAL. If you have worked up a reputation on your shape and your clothes, don't get gay and 140 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES spoil it by trying to display accomplishments you do not possess. A MOSQUITO, wishing to get a feed from the person of a large fat man, came near his ear and began to sing a mosquito song in what it considered a sweet and seductive manner. But the man, in- stead of being charmed, as that bird had expected, slapped at it vigorously, saying that he would think a blamed sight more of the moscfuito if it would come up and feed on him without trying to make him believe that it had just come around to give him a friendly serenade, when as a matter of fact its only object was to bleed him. A FLY that was discontented with its lot in life, complained bitterly to a companion because it had to hustle for a living. "If I had all the sweet stuff I wanted," said the discontented fly, "and didn't 141 142 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES have to hunt for any more, I would be contented and satisfied." The next day the companion found his friend stuck fast in a jar of molasses, and said: "Well, young fellow, you seem to have enough sweetness there to feed a colony, but I judge from your appearance that you are not en- tirely happy." MORAL. The man who has accumulated much stuff has his troubles as well as the man who wears galled places on his person on account of toil. and tfje A DOG that had contracted the evil habit of running about at night was accosted by a hunk of bologna hanging in front of a meat market, as fol- lows: "Young fellow, a year or two ago I got gay and ran away from a good home myself. I hadn't been gone long until I met with a fellow who was doing a land-office business in stray dogs, and you see where I am now. Take my advice, and don't monkey round far from home after the curfew has rung." 143 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES MORAL. Jf you have a good home, young man, stay there. Mloman and t&e flDbettoorketo A WOMA.N who had more enterprise than she had experience or gumption, put twenty-four eggs under a hen who had indicated that she was will- ing to go into the family business. The hen, who was an ambitious and willing soul, saw the difficul- ties of the undertaking, but feeling flattered at what she considered an expression of confidence in her ability, on the part of her mistress, con- cluded to tackle the job. She was not able to cover all the eggs at one time, but thought by sliding around over the nest she might manage to hatch the whole lot. At the end of three weeks, however, the hen found that half the eggs were chilled and the other half had been broken by her while she was sliding around. She had also worn the feath- ers oif the under side of herself, and was a nervous wreck on account of the mental strain she had undergone. In addition to all this, the woman who had put the eggs in the nest came out and 144 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES / abused the hen, saying that she was no good on earth. Then the poor hen remarked, as she crept off into one corner of the yard and reflected on the vicissitudes of life, "Alas ! this is what comes of tackling a bigger job than you have capacity to handle." fl&uattelina; jfotote and t&e Eucfep Two FOWLS, seeing a fat juicy worm that had carelessly wandered away from its hole, made a break for it, and reached it at about the same moment. And straightway both began to claim the worm, in loud tones and with a vociferous man- ner. As the dispute waxed warmer, the worm, noticing that the attention of the fowls was tem- porarily distracted from himself, pulled out at his hottest pace for his humble domicile, saying, as he crawled into the hole: "Fight it out, durn you, but I want to remark that it will be a cold day when either one of you gets another whack at this worm." MORAL. Both parties to a quarrel are gener- ally losers. 145 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES and t^t "&mg of A LIOX, who was shut up iii a cage in a menag- erie where there were many other animals, com- menced to give the rest of the beasts a talk about the superiority of his blood. U I am doing you common beasts a great favor to allow you to con- verse with me at all," said the lion, in a deep bass voice. "I am the king of beasts. My ancestors for many generations have shaken the forests with their mighty roaring, and all the animals within hearing have trembled at the sound." And a little while after the lion had finished his speech a woman weighing about one hundred and ten pounds came in, opened the door of his cage, walked inside, and with a small riding-whip com- menced to larrup the lion over the head. At her bidding the king of beasts hiked out round the cage, lay down, rolled over, stood on his hind legs and made a monkey of himself generally without mak- ing any protests. After the performance was over and the woman with the whip had retired, the kangaroo, who had been somewhat impressed by 146 147 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the talk of the lion, winked at the ant-eater and said : "A king in a cage doesn't seem to cut much more ice, after all, than one of us common animals who never had any royal ancestry." MOKAL. Koyalty stripped of place and power would become as common and tame as ordinary clay. ^e lEUformer and tfie Bug. A POLITICAL reformer, who spent the most of his time in grumbling about the awful condition .of things in general, was shown to a hotel where there were several insects known to science as "cimex lectularius." Then one of the bugs started to make a raid on the sleeping reformer, but after taking a few bites he was observed to let up and walk off in disgust. "What 's the trouble ?" asked another bug, who WPS surveying the situation from the footboard of another couch. "Why don't you fill up when you have the chance ?" "Fill up nothing!" replied the disgusted bug; "that man is so sour that his meat sets my teeth on edge." And the reformer snored on undisturbed. 148 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES anto t&e A DOG that was permitted to lounge about and sleep, and who had an excellent stand-in with the cook, so that he had grown corpulent from over- feeding, was annoyed by a family of fleas, consist- ing of a paternal flea, his wife, and four hundred and seventeen active and hungry children. And the head of the flea family, hearing the complaints of the dog, said : "Why do you roar ? We are your friends. If it wasn't for us you would oversleep. yourself and die from lack of exercise." But the dog, who was hankering for quiet and rest, replied : "Burn your friendship! If my friends have no use for me except to board off me, I prefer to go it alone." Conceit^ A FROG that was stuck on its voice, was sitting under the shade of a watercress, and in this way escaped the eye- of a frog-hunter on the shore. Thinking at last that he had outwitted the searcher for frog-legs, the amphibian inflated his diaphragm 149 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES and let out a croak of exultation that could be heard for half a mile. Then the frog-hunter, hearing the sound, came a-running with his frog-net and scooped in the croaker before it could say Jack Eobinson in the frog language. As the frog's wife saw her husband scooped into the net she said, as she slid quietly into the water: "If that husband of mine had had brains in proportion to his belly and lungs, he would have chuckled over his good luck, but he wouldn't have bellowed about it so that he could be heard all over the township." Carder Copote. A HUNGRY coyote, seeing some chickens roost- ing in a tree, began walking around under the branches, looking longingly up toward the fat fowls that were just out of reach. And as he looked he grew hungrier and more anxious, until he neglected to watch where he was stepping, and stepped into a steel trap that had been set there by the owner of the fowls. And an old wolf, hearing the coyote's howl of pain, came up, and, taking in the situation 150 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES at once, said : "If you ever get out of the situation you are now in, young fellow, you want to remem- ber not to keep your head in the air so much that you can't see what you are stepping into." Coasting A CERTAIN hen was in the habit of cackling vo- ciferously just before she seated herself on her nest, and giving another moderate cackle after her egg had been laid. A friendly fowl that scratched for worms in the same garden with the hen inquired the reason for this peculiar custom, whereupon the hen replied: "I was raised in Kansas, where we were in the habit of blowing about what we in- tended to do as well as about what we had already done, and frequently the first blow was all the one we ever had a chance to make. I acquired the habit, and can't get over it." $itt and t&e A SCRAWNY, stub-tailed fice, seeing the rising moon, began to bark a furious criticism of the 151 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES queen of night; but the moon continued to sail right along as if nothing had happened. Finally the fice's mother, who had acquired some wisdom from experience, called the pup into the woodshed where they slept, and said : "My son, your yelping doesn't change the course of the moon any, but if you had kept your fool mouth shut you wouldn't have ruined the reputation of the family for common-sense." MORAL. Many a fool might have a fair repu- tation for wisdom if his mouth were only put in the hands of a receiver. Colt A FEMALE horse, who was the mother of a mule colt, watched over her offspring with tender solici- tude, hoping that it would finally develop into the likeness of her family, but one day, when the colt was getting well grown, it turned loose a loud and discordant bray. "Alas ! alas ! I perceive that it is of no use," said the mother with a weary and discouraged sigh; "I thought I could raise 152 TOM Mc?vEAL'S FABLES you and pass you off in society as a horse, but whenever you open your mouth you speak like an ass." MORAL. Blood will tell. Squirrel anto A SQUIRREL that had laid up a vast store of nuts was surprised at the large number of visitors at his residence, and at the profusion of their congratula- tions and compliments. As a result of these things, his head swelled several sizes, and he said to an old neighbor squirrel: "You see how this thing is: I am the most popular rodent in this neck of the woods." But the neighbor, who had lived in that locality for some time and who was a close observer, on hearing this remark of the squirrel with the enlarged cranium, winked his other eye and re- marked with a disdainful whisk of his tail: "Young fellow, you will find after they are all gone that it was the nuts this crowd was after, and not you." MORAL. The man who has favors to bestow 153 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES will often find to his sorrow that his personal pop- ularity will wane after his power to grant favors has ceased. 9pu;2leti Calt. THE owner of a calf, desiring to wean it, en- circled its nose with a strap set with sharpened spikes ; and the calf, wishing to get its accustomed sustenance, made a dash for the mammilla of its maternal ancestor, but was, to its great surprise and chagrin, violently kicked as the result of its effort. As soon as the calf had recovered suffi- ciently to speak, it asked its mother if she had ceased to love it; whereupon the cow replied: "Xo, my son, I have not ceased to love you. It is what you have on that I am not stuck on." MORAL. Disagreeable habits frequently pre- vent friendships. TBitti and t&e Crap. A HUNGRY bird, seeing some grains of wheat on what appeared to be a platform under the inviting 154 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES shade of a box, hopped up on the board to feed -and rest. But it had no sooner lit than the plat- form suddenly fell away, the box dropped, and the bird was a prisoner. A wise old crow passing by saw the imprisoned bird gazing sadly through a hole in the box, and said : "You little fool, if you had asked me I could have^told you that platform never was made to stand on. It was made to catch such jays as you." MORAL. Appearances are often mighty de- ceptive. A GOOSE, having determined to sit, and not being able to procure any eggs to sit upon, managed to gather together a collection of door-knobs, stones, and broken crockery, and settled down to business. All summer long the goose's mate, who was a faith- ful sort of gander, stood on guard, occasionally "spelling" the goose while she gathered a few nibbles of grass. But when the cool days of Sep- tember came on the gander commenced to get rest- less, and finally addressed his mate as follows: 155 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES "See here, old lady, you have been giving me a talk all summer about what you were going to hatch out. I am getting blamed weary, and am going to join some party that can do something besides sit and hiss." jFarmer and t&e Crotog. A PAECEL of crows watched a farmer-man plant his corn, and when he had it well planted the crows lit in and dug it up. The farmer-man was wroth, but he planted the field again, and this time he concluded that he would leave some corn on the top of the ground where it would be handy for the crows and where they wouldn't have the trouble of digging it up. But the crows passed by the un- covered corn and dug up the covered grains again. This made the farmer-man hot, and he expressed himself in language that was both forceful and profane. And an owl, sitting by, heard the crows laugh as they listened to the remarks of the farmer, and asked of the boss crow : "Why didn't you take the corn that the farmer left lying out on the 156 157 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES ground, instead of digging up what he planted?" "There are two reasons, my blinkey-eyed friend," answered the boss crow. "As a rule, the corn that the farmer is anxious for the crow to eat is mighty unhealthy for the crow; and even if it wasn't, if we had eaten the corn he threw outside we wouldn't have had the chance to hear the farmer swear. We aim to combine pleasure with business whenever we can." and t&e A FKESH young mocking-bird was one day mak- ing sport of a barn-swallow, on account of her lack of musical talent, and said : "If I had that voice of yours I would trade it off for a corn- stalk fiddle or a disabled jew's-harp." The swal- low, who was a humble and patient sort of bird, made no back talk on account of the sarcastic ob- servations of the mocking-bird; but when, a week or two afterward, she looked through a window and saw this same mocking-bird shut up in a small cage, she said : "I am aware that I am no operatic 158 .TOM McNEAL'S FABLES singer, but it would take heavy 'boot' to induce me to swap my voice for the voice of that young mocking-bird." MORAL. Oftentimes the plain, humble citizen who has no particular accomplishments or frills, seems to hold the edge over the person of many accomplishments. and t&e ^ungtp Croto. A HEN was busily scratching in front of a stable door for provender for herself and brood, when a lean and hungry crow in a tree near by began to criticize the appearance and odoriferous char- acter of the heap from which the hen was gathering sustenance. But the hen, who had been reared bv a Boston family, and who was a bird of great culture and precision of speech, replied : "The en- vironments, indeed, are not so aesthetic as would seem to fully accord with the most refined taste, but the picking seems to be a vast deal better than anything you have struck lately, judging from your general appearance." And with a maternal cluck the hen distributed three more fat juicy grub- 159 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES worms and four grains of corn among her sur- rounding progeny. MOKAL. It is better to follow an unpleasant occupation that yields the persimmons of success, than to stick to a genteel occupation that yields little but husks and wind pudding. 2Di0contentt& goutf) and t&e &nt. A DISCONTENTED young man who was attending a picnic, was sitting under the branches of a cotton- wood tree, complaining bitterly of the lack of op- portunity. "Unless you are one of the big-bugs you cut no figure in this country any more," said the bilious youth ; but just then a dark-complex- ioned ant, whose home life had been interfered with by the picnic, stole up under the young man's pantaloons and fastened his nippers in his calf. Whereupon the young man gave a yell of pain, and began to seek eagerly for that ant. And as the ant slid off into the grass, carrying with her enough meat to feed her family for one meal, she said : "Young fellow, I am not a big-bug, but you 160 TOM McXEAL'S -FABLES will observe that when I organize myself for busi- ness I cut considerable figure in the vicinity where I operate." MOBAL. It isn't size, but ability to hump, that counts in this country. t&at Eacfeed A YOUNG and foolish bee which was sent out for the first time to gather honey, instead of sock- ing its dipper into the heart of the fragrant alfalfa, took a load from some noxious and loud-smelling weeds, and, carrying it home, squirted it into the honey-cell. And when the owner of the bees came to sell his honey, the buyer tasted of the comb that the young bee had helped to fill, and threw it out as refused. Then the queen bee, observing this, said to the young bee : '"One bad break, you will notice, has ruined the work of an entire season." MOKAL. One onion will spoil the breath of the handsomest woman, and one mistake may ruin the reputation of a lifetime. 161 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES Congerbatibe A MISSOURI ground-hog came out of its bole on schedule time on the second day of February, and looked around carefully for some indications of a shadow. There was no shadow in sight, but just the same the ground-hog proceeded to pull his freight back to his hole. And a chipmunk which happened to be near by, hailed the ground-hog, saying: "Hi, there, you old fool; there is no shadow in sight ; why don't you stay out and attend to business ?" But the ground-hog answered calmly, as he paused at the mouth of his burrow : "Shadow be blowed! I have a chilblain on my nose yet that I contracted three or four years ago on account of pinning my faith on that shadow business. This year I am going to hole up and let the Government Weather Bureau run the weather as they blamed please." 1BUt0 ana t&e Storping Cat. Two EATS were preparing to make a raid on a pantry, when they discovered a cat lying near 162 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES the pantry door, apparently fast asleep. The younger of the two rats was advancing boldly, on the theory that the cat was entirely unconscious of its presence, when the elder rat checked it, say- ing: "That cat appears to be asleep, but it will require a certificate that she is dead before I will take any chances on getting within her reach. I was raised in Missouri." SDucfe anfc t$t Koogttr. A KAXSAS duck that had faithfully stuck to business during the summer and laid several dozen large fawn-colored eggs, complained that she was not appreciated. "See that hen over there: she hasn't laid as many eggs as I have, nor as big, but she has books written about her and verses written in her honor, while nobody is saying a word about me." "The trouble with you is," said a wise rooster that was standing near, "you don't tell the public what you have done. You lay an egg and waddle off without saying a~word, but that sister of mine never lays one without letting everybody 163 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES in the neighborhood know about it. If you want to cut any ice in this community you must learn to advertise." Jlndolent SDog. AA T indolent dog which spent most of his time in slumber, lay dreaming by the tire, and barked in his sleep as if he were hot> on the chase. And the dog's mother, who was wearied by the general conduct of her son, watched him in disgust for a time, and then said: "That son of mine is like a lot of people I know : all the work he ever does is in his mind." MOKAL. It is actions, not dreams, that count in this life. Croto and tfje Coyote. A CKOW which had fastened onto a hunk of cheese was sitting on the limb of a tree with the cheese in his mouth, when a coyote who had read ^Esop's fables came along and began to bestow glu- cose on the crow in large quantities. "You are 164 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES a little the smoothest, bird in this State/' said the coyote in a winsome tone of voice. "A bird that is as handsome as you are must surely be a singer from away back.'' But the crow, instead of open- ing his month to respond to the compliment and at the same time dropping the cheese, as the coyote had expected, carefully laid the morsel up in the forks of the' tree, and then, turning to the coyote, chuckled a low chuckle as it said: "You thought you would work me, you lantern-jawed son. of a thief, but if you ever get me to drop any cheese around where you are it will be after I have ceased to be onto my job." ftmiritiousf A FROG, becoming ambitious to accumulate knowledge, met with a bull-snake one day, and boldly accosting it, asked for such information as the snake had on hand. "All right," said the snake, as he made a dive for the frog; "I will put you on the inside." And he did. Then the frog's son, who happened to be near and saw his mother 165 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES disappearing, remarked with a sigh, as he hopped away and out of danger: "Mother might have been spared to us a good while longer if she hadn't been so allfired anxious to find out about other people's business." &nake anb tfje A LARGE bull-snake sought admission to the home of a prairie-dog, and by a long list of promises as to what it would do for the dog and his family in return for the favor, persuaded the dog to let it in. But when the snake Avas comfortably settled in the prairie-dog's home, instead of doing any of the things it had promised, it began to fill its interior with the younger members of the dog's family. Whereupon the prairie-dog reproached the snake for breaking its agreement; but the snake simply replied: "At the time I made those promises I was talking for meat." MORAL. You may listen to the smooth talk of a confidence man, but be sure that you never put yourself in his power. 166 fealoontet and t&* 25um. A MAN who had been a patron of a joint for a num- ber of years found at last that he had spent a moderate- sized fortune, had patches on the bosom of his pants ; was shat- tered in health ; out of a job, and down to his last quarter. With this lone coin in his hand he went into the joint to drown his thirst, and as he turned to come out he noticed the proprietor of the estab- lishment drive by in a barouche drawn by a hand- some team, while large diamonds flashed on his fingers and from the bosom of his shirt. Then the bum surveyed himself for a moment in the glass, and noting the purple hue of his nose, said to him- 167 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES self as lie figured up the amount he had blown in on that joint: "I have furnished enough cash to buy that rig and those diamonds and that house up on the hill. All he has furnished me in return is the stuff to paint that smeller of mine, and after it is painted to a finishing coat, I can't find a single individual who admires the color. It occurs to me that I have paid an allfired high price for a mighty poor quality of paint." 25dligmnt C5oat anto tfje Q^itror. A MIRROR, which was being moved from one house to another, was set up against a stone wall for a moment while the mover went into the house to get some other furniture. A rantankerous goat, passing by, glanced at the mirror, and seeing what he supposed was another goat trespassing on his stamping-ground, without asking any ques- tions he took a running shoot and knocked that looking-glass into about seven hundred pieces. He also knocked the stone wall behind the glass so hard that he broke off one horn, skinned his head, 168 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES and fractured his skull. Then a mild-mannered sheep, who stood by watching the performance, said : "If that goat would make some preliminary inquiries before jumping into a fuss, he might lose some of his reputation for sand, but he would get credit for having a heap more sense." MORAL. It is bad policy to rush into a scrap without investigation. and t&e Bald^eadeti Clerk. A BALD-HEADED clerk who was much troubled by flies feeding on his dehaired dome of thought, put a plate of molasses on his desk, under the impres- sion that it would attract the dipterous insects away from his cranium ; but instead of leaving him, they gathered on his head in still greater numbers. And as the leader of the flies brushed his whiskers and gleefully rubbed his rear limbs together, he said : "It isn't the superior quality of the feed on this man's head that attracts me rather than that plate of molasses, it is the satisfaction of hearing him swear." 169 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES MORAL. Some people will be mean for nothing when they could make wages by being good. Eean ^ottfe and A HORSE, whose master made loud pretenses of religious devotion, was standing hungry and un- blanketed one cold winter day in front of a church, while his master was inside fairly raising the roof with his fervent petitions. Whereupon the horse shiveringly remarked, as he bit a splinter from the post to which he was tied: "Looking at this thing from the standpoint of a horse, I should say that if the man who owns me would mix more blankets and oats with his prayers they would go considerably higher and count for more than they do noAv." 35loolie& Piu and tfje flfllalloto. A MAN had a blooded pig, of which he was es- pecially. proud. The pig was of handsome build, and had a pedigree that ran back to a royal line 170 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES of swine. As the hog grew it was petted by the man's entire family. It was given a daily bath in clean water, and a beautiful blue ribbon was tied about its neck by one of the young ladies of the household. But one day the blooded swine strayed away from its environments, and when the man found it that hog was up to its eyes in the muddiest mud-hole about the farm. And as the owner saw the satisfaction with which that pedigreed swine wallowed in the mire, he said in a tone of disgust: "You may feed a hog on dainties and bathe him in rose : water, but after all he is nothing but a hog." SDteappotnteti ONCE there was a young and inexperienced fly that grew ambitious and tackled the head -of a foot- ball player, but after getting tangled up in the player's Hair, and not being able to get anywhere, it returned to its mother, weary and disgusted. Then the maternal fly, who was getting in her work on a bald-headed man, said to her offspring: 171 TOM MoXEAL'S FABLES "My son, after this possibly you will have sense enough to stay where your efforts will be appre- ciated." Hato and 9oral >ua0ion. Aisr individual who was violently opposed to all sumptuary laws was making a talk to an agricul- turist, and remarked as a sort of clincher: "I say that you can't make men good by law. If you want to stop any evil you must use moral suasion." "Maybe so, maybe- so," said the. farmer-man, re- flectively ; "but I have noticed that I have a heap more apples left on my trees if I leave that bulldog of mine loose at night." MORA],. The evil-doer fears the penalty of the law a good deal more than he heeds the admoni- tions to be good. Jnjutiinuuo A FOOLISH pup while strolling through the fields one day in company with its mother, stuck its nose into what it supposed was just a common hole 172 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES in the ground. But just then the female bumble- bee who was rearing a family in that hole, backed up against the nostril of the pup in a way that caused him to "yip" with great vigor, and fall over himself several times in his haste to get away from that immediate vicinity. Then the pup's mother remarked quietly, as she examined the swelling on the smeller of. her descendant : "My son, it is a wise thing to find out whom a hole in the ground belongs to before sticking your nose into it." MORAL. Reckless haste in rushing into things that he knows nothing about has gotten many an individual into trouble. &miutiou0 Eanb Cettapin. A LA:ND terrapin which had heard the story about the turtle winning out in a race with a hare, got gay, and issued a challenge to a jack-rabbit to run a mile heat. And the jack-rabbit having accepted the challenge, and the bet having been posted in the hands of the stake-holder, the terrapin 173 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES waddled off in high glee to his mother, saying: "Mother, I will win enough on this race to keep you in luxury the remainder of your life." But the old terrapin, after looking her alecky son over, quietly replied : "My son, that old story about the hare and the tortoise may have been true, but I notice that in this later day the individual with a land-terrapin movement isn't winning any races." Unfortunate Jflp. A HUNGKY fly one day flew into a grocery store, and seeing a barrel of sugar standing uncovered, said: "This is the softest snap I have struck for some time ; I will just light here and fill up with sweetness enough to last me as much as a couple of days." And while the fly was filling its interior, the man who was trying to run the store came by, and seeing that the lid had been knocked off the sugar-barrel, put it on again. This didn't worry the fly in the least, for it supposed that some one would soon come and remove the cover of the barrel in order to get sugar for some customer. 174 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES But the fly did not know that it had wandered by chance into a store whose owner never advertised. And when some weeks afterward the sheriff took charge of the store on behalf of the creditors, and lifted the lid from the sugar-barrel, it was found that the unfortunate fly had perished from thirst. AloKAL. If that fly had been thoughtful enough to carry a canteen, he might have done well for a considerable period. Eooster an& tfie Cpcloiw. A FOOLISH young rooster that had never seen a cyclone, flew up on a fence one murky, sultry day, to get, as he said, a breath of fresh air. And an older fowl, after taking a sniff of the oppressive atmosphere, called to his mates in alarm and told them to follow him to a neighboring cyclone hole. But the young rooster on the fence refused to fol- low the lead of the older fowl, saying: u You oil fool, why do you want us to go into that hot hole on such a day as this ? There is no danger out here so far as I can see, and I propose to stay 175 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES here and get what little fresh air I can." A few minutes after that a cyclone came scooting along that way, and the tail of it caught the smart young bird, carried him two miles, and finally dropped him with hardly a feather left on his frame. And when finally the young rooster had recovered enough to sit up and take notice, he said feebly: "If I had had sense enough to heed the words of experience instead of thinking that I knew it all, I might have suffered a little inconvenience, but I would have been in a lot better shape to appear in society than I am at present." MORAL. The conceited youth might be saved a lot of trouble by listening to the words of experience. Pup. A DOG, hearing her offspring barking furiously, went to investigate the matter, and found that the pup had a ground-mole at bay, but was not rushing into a close conflict. Whereupon the maternal dog remarked : "My son, if you would use vour 176 TOM McXEAI/S FABLES teeth more and your voice less, you would cut much more ice than you are doing at present." MORAL. Action counts for more than chin- music, in either war or peace. Eiff&tmng-Sug; tofjo ^fjoufffit le toag A LIGHTNING-BUG who had fallen into the error of supposing that he was the whole thing, sus- pended his light for a moment while he en- gaged in conversation with a pincher-bug that was passing by. At that moment there was some hitch in the works at the electric-light plant, and the whole city was suddenly in darkness. And the lightning-bug, thinking that it all came about because he shut off his glow, pompously remarked : "Excuse my mentioning it, but you observe, I suppose, what shape this town would be in if I were to move out of it." MORAL. There is a vast difference between the real value of many people and the estimate they place on themselves. 177 Crainsf. A DOG lived on a farm through which ran a railroad. Each day that fool canine was in the habit of rushing out at each passing train and chasing it with great vigor until the caboose was out of sight over the hill, when he would return and crawl into the shade of the porch and wait until the next train came along. By-and-by, when age began to creep on the canine and he felt his joints growing stiff and runs harder to make, he one day muttered sadly to himself : "I don't know what will become of things around here when I get too old and stiff to run. Those tooting outfits will take the place." MORAL. Many an individual thinks he is pry- ing up one corner of the universe, when as a 178 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES matter of fact he is simply wasting his time and wind. Ringed Buff, A BUG which had sailed in at an open window on a summer night and had all the fringe singed off his wings by an open gas-light, was watching a young man go up against a brace game in a joint ; and hearing the young man confidently assert that he knew what he was about, the singed bug re- marked to himself: "I thought the same thing, young fellow, when I went up against that gas- light. I know better now, but I am so short on wings that I fear I will have to permanently re- tire from business." MORAL. Many a fool learns from experience, but too late to do him any good. Conceited SDonkep. IT chanced that a horse and a donkey were being shipped to market in the same car, and as 179 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES they were passing through a certain town the don- key, who was in love with his voice, remarked to the horse that while they were waiting for the trainmen to do some switching he would entertain the people with a few vocal selections from his rep- ertoire. Then after inflating his lungs, he turned loose with a wild, weird bray that could be heard for a mile. And when this had gone on for about two minutes the brakemau appeared on the scene with a large elm club and biffed the donkey sev- eral times. When the brakeman had finally gone away, the donkey turned to the horse for sympathy, but that wise animal simply said : "If you had kept your fool mouth shut you would not only have saved yourself this beating, but the people generally around this neighborhood would not have known that I had an ass for a companion." MORAL. Many a chump has gotten into trouble by working his mouth when there was no occasion for doing so. Cricket and t&e <>peta A CRICKET who believed it could sing, managed to get located in an opera-house where a noted 180 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES prima donna had an engagement. And as the prima donna began to trill, the cricket began to chirp. When the noted trilleress had finished her trill, the crowd broke out in a storm of applause which lasted for several minutes. When finally the applause had subsided, the cricket turned to a companion, and, rubbing its feet together with great satisfaction, said : "There are a lot of ducks around here who think I can't sing, but I suppose you noticed the way I brought down that house.'* MORAL. Sometimes an individual supposes he is cutting a large amount of congealed moisture, when as a matter of fact nobody is paying any attention to him. lark'Uabfm totjo tjaD Profited fap (trample. A JACK-BABBIT which had been captured in its infancy, afterward escaped and returned to its native haunts. It was noticed thereafter that no other jack-rabbit on that stretch of prairie was in it with the first-mentioned when it came to dodg- ing and doubling and getting out of tight places. 181 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES An interested contemporary called on the first- mentioned rabbit and besought him to tell where 1 he had acquired his skill. "That is easy," said the first jack-rabbit as he gently fanned himself with his left ear; "I was captured while young, and trained by a Kansas politician, who tried to keep on both sides of the prohibition question." ooltel) Country flat A COUNTRY rat was invited to visit with a cousin in the city. The city cousin was located in one of the biggest stores in the metropolis. The country rat had been accustomed to corn straight, but the city rodent had his choice of the best there was in the market. The country rat was greatly tickled with the change until, while making a tour of in- spection, he happened to step into one of the traps that were set around the big store. By gnawing off one leg he managed to get loose, and, calling to his city friend, said : "I will hit the next freight train for home. You can keep that piece of a leg that T left in that trap over there as a reminder 182 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES of a blamed fool who didn't know when he was well off." MORAL. The individual who is located on a good Kansas farm had better think it over a good while before he leaves it to try his luck in the city. SBttlr to 1)0 caoultm't be imposed Clpon. DURING an exceedingly dry season, a farmer who was out of corn fed his mule on the husks that grew where the corn ought to have grown. And the mule, being a sensible sort of a bird, made no kick, but took his husks without a word. The next year there was a good crop, but the farmer having observed that his mule had pulled through the year before on husks, concluded that he would sell "his corn and feed the mule on husks again. But the mule immediately organized a strike, and remarked : "Last year I made no roar on the husk proposition, because that was the best you could do, but this year I will be dad-blamed if I will live on husks when I know that you have five thousand bushels of corn in the crib." 183 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES MOEAL. It is not safe to presume too far on the patience of good-nature. and tfie Jatmer. A CHINCH-BUG saw a farmer standing by his wheat-field, and heard him joyously exclaim: "I have the world by the anecdote. That field of wheat is good for at least thirty bushels to the acre." Whereupon the chinch-bug grated her teeth viciously and said to herself: "You may be right, my buck, and then again you may not. If I get over the chills I contracted during the last spell of cold damp weather, I won't do a thing to that wheat-field of yours." MOKAL. Don't figure on your crop until it is harvested. and t&e C&icknt^atok. A HEN who was just beginning to rear her first brood of chickens, was visited by a chicken-hawk, who addressed her, saying: "My dear Mrs. Hen, 184 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES you are wearing yourself out looking after that flock of chickens. If you don't take more rest and recreation you will grow old and faded before your time. Just go away and visit a spell while I look after your flock." And the young hen, feeling flattered on account of the attention of the hawk, answered: "I am feeling in great need of rest and recreation. I have been tied down here now for the last four weeks, and haven't had a chance to even visit with the neighbor hens." Then the foolish young thing turned her flock over to the hawk, and went away to gossip with a female Plymouth Rock over in the next yard. But when she returned, a couple of hours after, she found that the hawk was gone, and also the last one of her tender offspring. When she related her mournful story to her husband, he said: "My dear, if you had looked up the record of that hawk outfit you would have known that not one of the family could be intrusted with a flock of chickens." MORAL. When a stranger professes unusual anxiety to serve ydU, it is well to wait until you can look up his record before you accept his services. 185 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES A KANSAS coyote, observing a fat young sheep feeding in a corral, poked his nose through a crack and asked : "Why do you stay with the plutocrat who owns this ranch? Don't you know that he is keeping you here in order that he may shear you hy-and-by ? I am organizing the opposition to the grinding money-power which is represented by the man who owns this corral. Come with me and join the forces of reform." But the young vsheep, which had more sense than its appearance would indicate, winked its other eye as it took a nip of alfalfa, and answered : "Xot if I am personally acquainted with myself. I had an uncle who was fool enough to join your forces of reform, and if I am not mistaken, I see some of his wool in your teeth right now." fe>fitrp-9$an and t&e A MAN decided to go into the sheep business, and advertised for herding-dogs. A lean pot- 186 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES hound and a rough-haired cur applied for posi- tions, but before the man had decided as to whether or not he would try them, each one of the dogs called him aside and confidentially in- formed him that the other dog was a sheep-killing thief. After hearing their stories, the man called them up and said: "You two seem to be ac- quainted, and ought to know each other well. Since hearing both your stories I have decided that I would not trust either one of you as far as I could cast a two-year-old beef steer by the tail." MORAL. It is never safe to trust the indi- vidual who makes a business of slandering his neighbors. lungag (Earn* Is" a certain market-place was a coop, full of chickens waiting for the executioner. And while they were awaiting developments a game rooster among the bunch flapped his wings as well as his cramped quarters would allow, and gave a lusty crow. "What have vou got to crow about, I 'd 187 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES like to know ?" said a disgusted turkey in another coop; "you will lose your head inside of twelve hours." "Maybe so," said the cheerful rooster, "but T am from Kansas, whore we never say die. If evervthina- failed one season we commenced to ./ crow about what we were going to do next year; and anyway, if T have to die, blamed if T don't in- tend to enjoy myself while I live." MORAL. Xever say die as long as you are able to say anything. Jupitn: and t&e IT is said that when the bee first started in business she had no sting, and was compelled to take a great deal of back talk from other insects because she wasn't able to defend herself. At last, growing weary of this sort of business, she applied to Jupiter to let her have a double-acting, rapid-fire stinger, saying she wished to surprise a few ducks who had been in the habit of guying her heretofore. Then Jupiter, who had a consid- erable supply of stingers on hand, brought one out and fastened it onto the bee, but at the same 188 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES time said: "My ambitious female, I will give you this stinger as you request, but I have fixed it so that you can use it but once. You can sock it into your enemy in good shape, but the act will cost you your life. Thus will you be punished for your desire for revenge." Then the bee, who was a honey-bee, took her stinger and went away sad. After she had been gone a few moments, a bumble- bee came sailing in and presented a similar re- quest. "All right," said Jupiter ; "here 's the stock I have on hand. Come in and pick out a jabber to suit yourself." Then the bumblebee picked out a double-action, patent reversible stinger about the length of a fork-tine, and said he would take that. Then Jupiter fastened the stinger on the bumble- bee and proceeded to give him the same sort of talk he had given to the honey-bee. The bumblebee listened, saying not a word, but turning to Mer- cury, who was standing near, he softly winked his other eye. When the stinger was fastened on, the bumblebee started as if to fly away, but when Jupiter's back was turned the bumblebee suddenly lit on the back of the boss god's neck, and said: "My noble maker of thunderbolts, unless you 189 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES change that condition about this stinger business I will ram it into your spinal column up to the neck, so help me." Then Jupiter, seeing that the bumblebee had it on him, said : "Well, take your blamed old stinger, and use jt as much as you choose." And as the bumblebee winged his way to earth he communed with himself, saying: "Jupiter supposed that he could work me as he worked that honey-bee, but I have been in politics long enough to get onto a few curves myself." Thus it happens that while the honey-bee must die if it stings, the bumble-bee can sock his socker in and keep a-socking. MOKAL. This fable teaches that you can get mighty near what you want if you only know how to go after it. SDoo; and t$t C&urn. A DOG, who was compelled by his master to furnish the power for an old fashioned dog-churn, filed a complaint with the boss. "Why should you complain?" asked the farmer. "This is not 190 TOM -McXEAL'S FABLES A- as hard work as you used to engage in when you were in the jack-rabbit business. Then you nearly ran yourself to death, and did not get your feed regularly as you do now." "It is not the hard work that I complain of," answered the dog, "but the fact that I don't seem to be getting anywhere." MORAL. The most unsatisfactory toil is that which does not seem to accomplish anything. Jt SDependsf on tfie A HOKSE that had been raised near a railroad station, and who had no fear of trains or engines, expressed his contempt for a steed from the coun- try, who, happening to be near the railroad track, was nearly frightened to death at the sight of a train of cars. "What are you afraid of, you cowardly fool?" asked the town horse. "That train won't hurt you a particle." The next day the town horse was driven out into the country, and passing by the home of the country horse, he espied a hay-rake lying at the side of the road. This was the first hay-rake the 191 TOM McNEAL'S^FABLES town horse had ever seen, and he nearly jumped out of his harness with fright. "See that fool horse/' remarked the country horse in a tone of disgust. "He scares at that hay-rake that wouldn't hurt a fly." MORAL. The way we act depends largely on what we are used to. A BEAUTIFULLY colored butterfly was showing off before a gang of humble beetles, saying, as she proudly flirted her wings, that she didn ? t care to associate with common bugs. Whereupon one of the beetles remarked, as he rolled over a hunk of dirt : "It occurs to me that if this highly colored female only knew that her father was a measly old yellow-backed caterpillar, she wouldn't, be so high-headed, nor display the unseemly gayety she does at present." MOKAL. When you hear an individual boast- ing that he is made from superior clay, you can bet that his ancestors were mighty common stock. 192 TOM Mc:N"EAL'S FABLES 25oa0tmff A SWAGGERING bully was boasting to a slender and rather frail man about his feats of agility and strength. "I can," said the boaster, "climb to the top of that flag-pole quicker than any other man in this town, and I can carry you and twice as big a load as you can lift and not half try." "I haven't a doubt of it," said the frail man quietly; "but if that is a measure of greatness, both that monkey which travels with that son of Italy and the muckle-dun mule tied to yonder post have the advantage of you. The monkey can climb that pole twice as quickly as you, and the mule can pack three times as much as you can carrv." |)f Stubbed A SMALL boy who had stubbed his toe on a stone was crying lustily, when a man coming by called to him, saying: "Don't cry, my boy; that doesn't hurt." But the boy, who was no chump, replied, between his sobs: "If you are referring 193 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES to yourself, I suppose it doesn't; but if you say it doesn't hurt me, you are a blamed old liar." MORAL. People are apt to think other people's troubles don't amount to anything. 2Di0cretion te jftmggari? to IN a certain hotel a large colony of bugs had taken possession of the beds, where they lay in wait for the weary travelers. On one occasion a large, fat traveling-man registered and called for a room. And the bug whose business it was to watch the register immediately carried the news to the rest of the tribe that there was -extra good picking in sight. Pleased with the prospect, the bugs had a hilarious time for a little while, and then waited impatiently for the fat traveler to appear. When he finally came to his room he turned down the bed-covers, and saw there a dozen bugs or such a matter sitting on the sheet waiting to get in their work. But instead of getting into bed as the bugs had expected, the fat traveler swore a loud and vociferous swear, and then, tak- 194 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES ing a cover off the bed, he shook it, wrapped it about his person, and lay down to sleep on the floor. And when the leader of the bugs saw that the prey had escaped, he turned loose on the other' bugs as follows: "If you infernal fools had lain low and hidden out until that man had got to bed, we might all have had a feed. You have ruined the whole business by being too greedy and too previous." MOEAL. To work a graft with success requires some discretion. SDanrinff Bear. A BEAK that had been trained to stand on his hind feet and dance to the music of a fiddle, was one day complaining because he had to go through his performance, when he happened to notice a company of young men and maidens dancing on a platform. They were hoeing it down to beat the band, and seemed to be having more fun than a cageful of monkeys. And as the discontented bear watched the dancers swing on the corners and all promenade with apparent satisfaction, though 105 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the exercise caused them to perspire like race- horses, he said, as he lumbered on toward the place where he had to do the dance act himself: "It appears to make a lot of difference whether one is dancing because he has to, or just for the fun of the thing." AIoKAL. The question as to whether a task is work or pleasure is almost entirely in the mind. toiti) tfje 3lncon0 iterate faster. A HOKSE that had been neglected during the winter was found by his master in the spring to be covered with lice. Then the master, in a spirit of mistaken kindness, poured a gallon of raw coal-oil over the person of the horse and turned it loose. And when a week had gone by and the horse found that the coal-oil hadn't left enough hair on his frame to make a wig for a bald eagle, he surveyed his bare and blistered hide as he said : "Durn this thing of belonging to a man who hasn't brains enough to think of a louse and a horse at the same time." 196 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES MOKAL. The fool never thinks of more than one thing at a time, and most fools don't even do that. farmer and Ii0 &on. A EICH Kansas farmer sent his son away to an Eastern college under the impression that the boy should be given educational advantages that his sire had never enjoyed. The boy got a position as center rush in a football team, and grew a shock of hair like a windrow of rich alfalfa hay. He wrote to the old man, describing the great benefits of athletic sport, and also struck him for money to pay his share of the expenses made necessary by the swift gait of his team. But when the youth came home in vacation and the paternal an- cestor asked him to figure up the number of tons of hay in seventeen stacks, each one so many feet high and so many feet around, the young man was stuck. Then the farmer remarked to his husky son: "My young fellow, if athletics is all there is to this college business, it occurs to me that I can give you all the advantages and save quite 197 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES a good deal of money by giving you a position as 'back stop' on a threshing-machine or workin' you in as 'center rush' on that corn-field, which needs plowin' pretty blamed bad right now." flgeti l^orse and t&e >ld &port A HOUSE who had been a goer in his time, grow- ing old and stiff, was taken off the track and used for a family horse to jog about town. But one day, happening to be near a race-track and see- ing the horses warming up for the first heat, and hearing the call of the starter, he jumped the fence and lit out around the track after the trotters. But as the bunch came around the turn on the second half the old racer was not able to keep out. of the way of the flyers, and was knocked down and run over. As he was afterwards dragging his bruised person off the track he saw an aged sport, who had had his hair and whiskers dyed and was trying to act as coltish as a youth of twenty-five. "Well," said the humiliated old horse, as he looked after the man, "there seems to be another old fool 198 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES who thinks he is still able to trot in the same class he used to go in forty years ago." fecamroto anto t& A FARMER who was troubled with birds in his corn put up a scarecrow in the middle of the field. It was a tough-looking figure, and for three or four days the birds were mighty shy; but finally a blackbird, who had his nerve with him, con- cluded to investigate, and said to himself: "That thing appears to be bad medicine, but my private opinion is that it is a bluff." The blackbird ven- tured a little nearer and still nearer, until he finally came to the scarecrow and found that it was stuffed with straw. Then the blackbird went back and told his companions, and the next day when the farmer went to his field, he saw, from a dis- tance, over four hundred blackbirds pulling up his corn, while a couple of dozen sat on that scare- crow and watched for his coming, so that they might tell the rest of the flock when to hike out. MORAL. The things that we are most scared 199 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES about sometimes amount to the least when we come to investigate them. TOeorp t&at SDttm't Cfllork. A CEKTAIX man who was long on theories and short on practical common-sense, cherished among other theories one that he could cow any animal by looking it squarely in the eye. One day this man chanced to meet a low-browed bulldog, that did not seem to be acquainted with either him or his theory. As the dog came down the path the theorist faced it and began to gaze calmly into the optics of the canine. And the next day, as the theorist limped over to a tailor-shop to get measured for a new pair of pants, and then to a doctor's office to get him to patch up the places where the dog had bitten chunks out of his leg, he said to himself: "The next dog I try my theory on will have to. be tied up good and plenty before I begin to look him in the eye." MORAL. Many a theory seems all right until you try to put it into practical operation. 200 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES Cattle an& fy ON a certain range in western Kansas grew a clump of cottonwood trees near a stream of water. Out on the prairie the grass grew rank and sweet, but the owner of the range noticed that the most of his herd, instead of filling up on that grass would stand all day in the shade of those trees and fight flies. They were putting on no flesh, and the prospects for profit on that herd were getting mighty slender. For a day or two the owner of the range tried driving the herd out to graze, but as soon as he would leave them they would hike back to the shade. Finally the ranch- man called his hired man, and together they soon strung a wire fence about that clump of shade-trees, so that the herd could not get under them. And when the steers found that there was no chance to lie around in the shade they betook themselves to the rich buffalo-grass, and the way they laid on fat was a pleasant sight for sore eyes. Seeing which, the ranchman said: ''After all, there isn't so much difference between a man and a steer. Give a man the chance to lie around in 201 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the shade, and the chances are that he won't be worth the powder necessary to blow him into the auriferous hence." MORAL. Luxury doesn't, generally tend to success. t&at A HEN that had reared a large family of chick- ens until they were half grown, left them one day to look up a location for a new nest. When she returned she found that the lady of the house had carried off the finest young rooster among her brood; whereupon she ran to a neighbor to pour out her grief. But the neighbor, after listening to her tale of woe, consolingly replied: "Why should you grumble or mourn ? I saw the presid- ing elder stop at the house for dinner, and suppose before this time your son has entered the ministry." Banqueter and t&e 2Dog:. A CERTAIN man who was in the habit of boast- ing of the superiority of man over the lower ani- 202 203 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES mals in point of intellect, attended a banquet and filled his interior with wines and a lot of indi- gestible truck of one kind and another. After the banquet, as the man was standing at a street- corner, heaving the contents of his stomach into the atmosphere, a lonesome dog, who was strolling about the streets, stopped to watch him a moment, and theji said : "One of the most curious things I have run up against is the fact that man actually thinks he has more sense than a dog." flDrator anfc t$t jfarmn:. A SILVEE-TONGUED orator was dilating on the beauties of rural life. "A farmer's life is the life for me," he said. "Let me get out where I can commune with Nature in all her beauty and listen to the caroling of the birds as I hasten joyously to my daily toil." "Gosh! but that feller talks purty," said a farmer standing by; "but I never have yet seen a man who talked about 'communin' with nature' who knew any more about farmin' than a lame grasshopper knows about the planet Jupiter." 204 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES MOEAL. It is usually the individual who knows the least about a business who talks most about its delights. Cijimpamrr and tfjr Clfpfjant. AN intelligent monkey was one day watching an elephant push the heavy circus wagons up the runway into the car. The elephant grumbled at the job, but his keeper prodded him with a sharp iron and made him buckle down to busi- ness. "It is a mighty good thing for that keeper," remarked the chimpanzee, "that the elephant hasn't brains and temper in proportion to its muscle." JSmtty Coto and t&e Poke. A cow which was breechy was fitted out with a yoke, so that she could not get over or through the fences about her pasture. It worried her a lot, until she happened to think that she might be able to work some chump. There was in the 205 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES herd a cow that was of envious disposition, and likewise a fool. She hadn't as much brains as a jaybird, and she always thought that somebody was trying to give her the worst of it. Seeing the cow that was wearing the yoke, this envious cow asked her what it was for and why she wore it. Then the cow with the yoke, who was onto her job, said: "This is a special mark of distinction and regard that has been presented to me by the man who owns us." Then the fool cow was more envious than before, and said that she couldn't understand why the owner of the herd wanted to show such partiality; that she was as much or more entitled to distinction than any cow in that herd, and yet the owner had never given her anything to wear on her neck. Then the breechy cow smiled inwardly, for she saw that her game was working to a finish. Finally she said : "Well, on reflection I think you are right. Of course I feel proud of this yoke, but you are really entitled to it as the leader of the herd. Much as I hate to part with it, I am bound to see that justice is done. You shall have the yoke." Then with the aid of the envious cow, 206 .TOM McXEAL'S FABLES she got the joke off her neck and fastened it on the neck of the envious cow. And the next day, when the breechy cow was over in the next field, filling up on alfalfa that didn't belong to her, and saw the envious cow packing that yoke about, she laughed a heartless cow laugh, and said: "If it wasn't for the blamed fools in this world there wouldn't be anything like the chance there is now for the enterprising." tol)0 ftllouton't Hit. A SCHOOL-BOY who wanted to stand in with the teacher, one day saw another lad place a bent pin on the chair that was occupied by the instructor. And when the teacher absent-mindedly sat down on that pin and inserted about a half-length of it in his person, he arose with great suddenness and wrath and began to hunt for the boy who had put it there. All the boys lied to the teacher with great celerity and soberness of countenance, ex- cept the one good boy, who promptly told the teacher who had placed the pin. Then the teacher, 207 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES who was a large, muscular man, walloped the boy who had placed the pin, to a f are-you well, so that he had sore places on him for more than a week afterwards. But he commended the good boy, and told him that he was following in the foot- steps of George Washington, and that if he kept on he might some day be the father of a country himself. And the good boy was much puffed up by the praise of his teacher, and concluded that he was nearly the whole works ; until after school, when the boy who had been walloped and a com- panion who had also been touched up for lying, caught him and tore his clothes and pounded his face until it resembled a map of the continent of Asia on account of the ridges that were on it, while his eyes looked as if they were set in raw liver. And when the good boy was able to gather himself up and reflect on the concurrence of events, he concluded that the story about George Washington never telling a lie was probably a fake. MORAL. Virtue isn't always rewarded in this world. 208 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES toijo A MAN was walking down the street with his coat buttoned up around his chin and a blue tint on his nostril. He met a man coming up the street with his coat open, his hat set on the back of his head, and whistling a merry tune as he walked. When the men had passed each other, the man with his overcoat buttoned up and the blue tint on his nostril turned and looked after the cheerful whistler as he turned the corner, and said: "Yes, whistle, durn ye ! but if I had won that five hun- dred we bet on the election, instead of you, you would be carrying this chill instead of me." MORAL. The state of a man's mind has much to do with his opinion in regard to atmospheric conditions. cUooDrn iimfa and tfjc ^urprisra Doa. A MAN with a wooden leg called at a house which was guarded by a large mastiff of decidedly unfriendly disposition. The dog rushed out to meet the stranger, and without preliminary re- 209 TOM McNEAI/S FABLES marks socked his teeth into the wooden limb. Then a look of surprise and mortification came over the face of the mastiff, and tucking his tail between his legs he turned and crawled under the porch, as he said : If these inventors have got to the point where they can make men out of wood, it is about time for watch-dogs to go out of busi- ness," MORAL. Nothing will take the conceit out of an individual quicker than to run up against a proposition that he supposed he understood, but finds that he does not. tofjo toag A DISCONTENTED man who was always com- plaining that he had no chance to rise in the world, was sitting in a room under which was a cellar where were stored a couple of kegs of powder. By some accident a spark was dropped into one of the kegs, and the building was blown about a hundred feet into the air. As the complainer felt himself lifted, he let out a yell of fear ; where- 210 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES upon a man standing near, who had known the discontented man for a long time, said: "There it is ! that man has been complaining for the last twenty years that he had no chance to rise in the world, and now when he has a lift he roars about it." and t& A BOY who was the son of rich and aristocratic parents, who insisted on keeping him dressed up all the time, was watching some poor boys mak- ing mud pies in an alley. For awhile he watched the play with deep interest and longing, and then an idea struck him. He called one of the ragged boys and proposed to trade clothes with him for a spell, saying: "You wash up and put on these clothes of mine, and I will put on yours and get into that game." At first the ragged boy was struck with, the proposition, and proceeded to clean up in good shape, and put on the fine togs of the rich man's son, agreeing that he would not do a thing to get them soiled. The rich boy put on the ragged clothes of the alley boy, and in 211 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES a minute was into the mud-pie business up to his elbows. For a little while the poor boy strutted about in his borrowed clothes and seemed to enjoy it, but as the play w r ent on he became uneasy, and finally called to the rich man's son, saying: "Here, feller, take your togs back and let me into that game. These things don't feel comfortable nohow, ajid besides there ain't no fun in just standin' 'round dressed up like a dummy." MOEAL. When the whole thing is sized up, one individual hasn't so much cause to envy an- other as he mav think. Camel an& t&e THE beasts in a menagerie got into a dispute among themselves as to which one among them had the most enterprise and energy. It was finally decided to leave the matter to a chimpanzee that was engaged in picking a few insects off his person. When the question was put to the chim- panzee as judge, he promptly answered that the 212 .TOM McNEAL'S FABLES camel had more enterprise and energy than any other beast in the whole show. Immediately on the rendition of this decision there was a roar among the beasts, similar to the roar of the losing team in a baseball game when they express their earnest desire to kill the umpire. ''This is the rottenest decision I have ever heard of," said the tiger, with a fierce snarl of rage. "There is noth- ing like it in the history of courts," chimed in the kangaroo. "Every one of this outfit knows that the camel is the laziest beast of this entire aggregation." "Hold on!" said the chimpanzee, as he calmly picked another insect from his per- son. "This decision is perfectly right. Isn't it a fact that the camel is the only animal in this show that has a hump on himself all the time?" And with a low chuckling laugh the judge went on with his picking. jpat and t&e Eean A LEAN, ill-favored Arkansaw hazel-splitter, which had not enough meat on its hams to make the 213 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES filling for a railroad sandwich nor fat enough in its entire system to grease the running-gears of a katydid, happened to be rooting for grub-worms near a field in which a shapely Kansas porker was filling his interior with succulent alfalfa. The Kansas hog began to laugh and make derisive remarks about the Arkansaw swine, but the hazel- splitter simply observed, as it rammed its rooter into the subsoil and dug up another grub: "You may laugh and snicker at my appearance now, my beaut,, but I will be here doing business a year from now, while, if I am not mistaken, when that man I see coming with a knife gets here he won't do a thing to you." MORAL. Poverty and ill-shape have some ad- vantages. JFaker A LARGE and plethoric toad advertised that he had a sure remedy for all sorts of imperfections of the skin, and a beautifier of the complexion; but a chipper young chipmunk nearly ruined the business of the toad by remarking in a crowd: 214 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES "When you have cleaned a couple of handfuls of warts off yourself it will be time for you to talk about cleaning up skins and beautifying complex- ions." Crocodile and t&e hippopotamus!. A DISPUTE once arose in a zoological garden be- tween the hippopotamus and the crocodile as to their relative appearance. The hippopotamus re- viled the crocodile, saying that the very sight of it was enough to throw a wooden Indian into spasms ; and the crocodile retorted by saying that a coun- tenance like that of the hippopotamus would make an electric car lose its trolley. The dispute waxed hotter and hotter, until half the animals in the garden took sides. It was finally suggested that the baboon be called in to decide the matter. When the big ape ha,d taken his seat and called the assembly to order, he directed both the croco- dile and hippopotamus to look him in the face, and after a moment's thought, he said : "It occurs to me, after looking you over, that creatures that look like either one of you ought to have sense 215 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES enough not to call the attention of the general public to your personal appearance." MOEAL. If you don't parade your personal defects, they will probable never be noticed. SDontep anb t&e A PATIENT donkey was purchased by a Boston mugwump for the amusement of the children, who rode it about the yard. One day the mug- wump came in and ordered the donkey saddled, saying that he had been directed by his physician to take a donkey-ride for exercise. But as soon as the mugwump straddled the donkey, who had listened to the anti-expansion speech of his master the evening before, it humped its back and threw the man over its head. That evening the co^r, who occupied the next stall to the donkey and had been greatly surprised at his conduct, asked why he had acted in such a rambunctious manner. "I will tell you," said the donkey, as he bit off a piece of thistle; "I am willing to stand almost anything, but blamed if I propose to be ridden by a bigger ass than myself." 216 A LADY who labored under the impression that she was going about doing good, was giving a small boy a lecture about the cruelty of robbing birds' nests. And a wise blue-jay that listened to the lady's admonition, winked at a companion as it remarked: "That woman's talk would go a lot further with me if she didn't wear so many dead birds on her hat." MORAL. Let your practice correspond with your preaching. TOM McXEAL'S FABLES l&at and t$t 'Etap. A EAT was induced by curiosity to investigate a wire trap which had apartments in it. For a little while the rat enjoyed himself quite well looking through the trap, incidentally helping him- self to a hunk of cheese which he found in the rear apartment, but when he had satisfied his curiosity and also his appetite, and turned to go out, he found that the door of that trap only opened from the outside. And as he was standing near the wire partition, figuring on the probable length of time until he would be fed to the cat, he noticed another rat heading in his direction and called out to it: "Young fellow, take a fool's advice, and when you see what seems to be a soft snap fixed up for your especial benefit, let it alone. I have found out that people don't build wire houses for rats and fill them with cheese just to accommodate the rats." l&oogtn: and t&e Cfiicfeeng. A BOOSTER who was scratching round in the glad springtime found a large juicy worm, and 218 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES immediately in a loud voice apprised the other fowls, and especially a brood of young chickens, of the fact. The chickens, supposing that their paternal ancestor was inviting them to a feast, ran eagerly to where he was, but when they were gath- ered about him the rooster calmly swallowed the worm himself, saying: "My children, as long as you thought I had nothing to give you, you cared no more for me than you do for that tin rooster on the bi*rn ; but when you think I have a few worms to scatter among you, you come a-running and greet me with vociferous declarations of affec- tion." And with a low, guttural laugh the rooster instituted a search for another worm. MOKAL. Affection is often assumed in the hope of gaming financial reward. SDeacon and tfie Calf. A DEACON who was sure that he was filled with j fervent piety, went out dressed in his Sunday suit to feed a calf out of a bucket, before going to church. The deacon was singing a familiar TOM McNEAL'S FABLES hymn as lie carried the bucket of milk out to the calf-pen. And the calf, which was of a playful and rambunctious temperament, hearing the dea- con sing with deep religious fervor, remarked lightly, as it winked its bovine optic : "The deacon thinks that he has the peace that passeth under- standing now, but wait till I ram my head down into that bucket and scatter about a quart of milk over those Sunday clothes, and you will hear him change that tune." jatoktoara goutlj tofjo Cfjanrrej. THERE was once a youth who was making his debut into society or at least he thought he was. To use the classic language of the wild and woolly West, the youth was badly mashed on himself. He considered himself a master of graceful mo- tion, though others declared that he was as awk- ward as a female bovine. There was a maiden fair, who was one of the guests at the social func- tion where the youth was making his debut, on whom he desired to make an impression. When 220 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES the waltz was announced, he sought her as a part- ner. It was all right with the maiden fair until they began to whirl through the "mazy," when she discovered that her partner could not waltz for sour apples. This made the maiden consider- ably weary, but she said nothing until the youth inadvertently planted his number-nine shoe on her number-three foot, and then she gave the youth a section of her mind, telling him during the course of her monologue, that she wished he would go away somewhere and walk over himself. And when that maiden fair had roasted the youth to a finish he felt that it would have been t\v dollars and four bits in his pocket if he had never been born. MOKAL. Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn. Cttp SDoo: and ^i& Country Cousfin. A CITY dog was visiting with a country cousin, and incidentally giving the rural canine to under- stand that as compared with a city-bred dog, the rural canine was a very raw r specimen indeed. As 221 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES the pair traveled over the farm they came to a hollow and rotten stump where a yellow- jacket of tempestuous temper was rearing her young. The city dog, without making any inquiries, sprang upon the stump, saying with a strong Bos- ton accent, "Ah! this seems to offer a new field for investigation." The country dog, who had observed the maternal yellow-jacket, and was ac- quainted with her uncertainties of temper, called to his city cousin to go slow ; but the city dog re- plied that when he wanted advice from an ignorant country cur he would call on him, and then pro- ceeded with the investigation. In about a minute the city dog let out a howl that could be heard a mile, and began hitting the high places as he propelled himself through the atmosphere, away from that stump, while seventeen yellow- jackets stayed with him and encouraged his bursts of speed by socking their several sockers home. And the country dog, who .stood off at one side watching the city dog until he disappeared in the distance, said as he wagged his tail and peacefully trotted off for home : "That dog may know all the ropes in the city, and I take it from the wav he moves, 222 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES that he is gathering considerable information about rural life also." MOKAL. The* individual who labors under the impression that he knows it all is liable to find that he is sadly mistaken. 250p0 to&o TOed SDiffmnt ONCE there were two boys who were raised to- gether. They early filled their young minds with such choice literature as "Bill Smoots, the Pirate Chief;" "The Trail of Blood, or the Cross-Eyei Terror of Boner Gulch," and other books of the same kind. These boys played hookey together, and while they were resting in a shack that they had built in the wood-lot near the school-house, which they spoke of as their pirate den, they laid plans for the future. They weren't entirely clear as to what course they should pursue, but there was one thing that they were agreed on, and that was that they would be "bad men" when they grew up. After awhile one of the boys, whose front name 223 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES was William, moved out West with his parents, and grew up to be a large and husky individual with a somewhat heavy under-jaw. William did not forget, however, the impressions of his youth, and one night he walked off with a halter that didn't belong to him. There was a horse at the other end of the halter, which also followed off after William. About two hours after William had departed, the man who owned the halter and the horse missed them, and proceeded to gather up his neighbors and organize a search. The crowd who were after William had to travel a good many weary miles before they got into his company, but they got there at last. They had a brief conversation with William after they got hold of him and had him where they had a chance to talk to him. They were willing to accommo- date him about some things. For instance, they said, as they* tied a rope around his neck and led him under a tree, that he might have a minute to make any remarks that occurred to him as being- relevant to the occasion. William, however, was not a public speaker. He did not care for the privilege of making a public address. All he 224 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES wanted was the chance to go away somewhere. Then the man who owned the halter and horse that followed William off, and his neighbors, lifted William up by the neck and neglected to let him have a foot-rest. Then they went away and left him there. When William was found the next day he was acting very much like a man who was dead. And yet the horse that William led off would not have sold in the open market for more than The other boy, whose front name was Claudius, also grew up. He was not a large husky man like William. He was slender, and dressed after the manner of the swell set. He went to a business college when he grew up, and his father, being a principal stockholder in the bank, got Claude a position as cashier at a salary of one hundred dollars a month. Claude was the high roller of the town, and one or two hard-headed old business men who had some stock in the bank, grumbled on account of his style of living, and said that no man could live at a three-hundred-dollar-a month pace on a salary of one hundred. Still 12 225 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES Claudius was not fired. He managed some way to hold his job for three years, and then it was suspected that there was a shortage. The directors insisted on having an expert examine the books; and Claudius was found to have ab- stracted from time to time cash to the amount of twenty-five thousand dollars. Then Claudius was arrested. But the old man put up a bond for him and Claudius continued to wear a brand- new necktie each day from the time of his arrest until the time of his trial. When it came til trial, as the evidence against Claudius was dead open and shut, he concluded to plead guilty. And the judge, who was a candidate for reelection, and needed the help of Claudius' father mighty bad, gave the boy the lowest limit. That is to say he only put it to him for a year. The judge also cried quite a good deal while pronouncing the sentence, and there were several women in the court-room who felt so sorry for Claudius that they had to wring out their handkerchiefs some two or three times while the judge was talking. And when Claudius was taken to his cell to wait while the sheriff got ready to take him to the 226 TOM McXEAL'S FABLES penitentiary, the ladies brought him bouquets and cake and other things, to make him know how much they sympathized with him in his affliction. After Claudius had been in the "pen" for the space of six months, a petition was circu- lated asking the governor to grant him a pardou, which the governor did, and when the springtime came, gentle Annie, Claudius was free/ But by that time the body of William, who had led off a $27.50 horse, was getting considerably decayed, as it had not been embalmed before it was buried. MORAL. The thief who helps himself to a number of thousands seems to hold the edge to a considerable extent over the man who steals a plug horse. fcflioman to&o IBrofee ^er of a 2Bad i?abit. A PAETY who was in the habit of going out be- tween acts "to see a man" had a wife w r ho was loving and confiding. For the first two or three seasons after their marriage she believed what her husband told her, but as time wore on 227 TOM McNEAL'S FABLES her suspicions were aroused, and she finally hired a small boy to keep cases on the partner of her joys and sorrows. And when the boy brought in a report that he had seen, her husband taking astronomical observations through the bottom of a small glass, she sighed, and remarked, " I thought as much," but she said nothing to her "hubby." But the next night at the theater, while her husband was taking off his overcoat, she man- aged, unobserved by him, to place a hunk of gum on the chair on which he was about to sit down. And when her husband was seated and she knew that her plan was working out according to sched- ule, she smiled to herself and remarked inwardly : "I think that will hold him for awhile.". When the man tore himself loose after the play was over he had enough of the plush cover of that opera- chair attached to him to make three blocks of a crazy-quilt. But he never went out "to see a man" once. MORAL. True genius, coupled with persever- ance, is bound to get there. 228 DC SOUTHERN REGIONAL UBRARY FACILITY A 000718105 o