TR The pedagogue ! s disaster THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES THE PEDAGOGUE'S DISASTER. A HUDIBRASTIC TALE. POUNDED ON A LUDIC'ROUS FACT, WHICH LATELY HAPPENED Not TWENTY MILES from the City of JBrtetol "" PRINTED AND SOLD BY N. BIGGS, St. Auguftine's-Back, and may be had of the . other Bookfellers in BRISTOL., & c . 1795. TK PROLEGOMENON. A HE Writer of the following lines (notwithftanding the ge- neral Satire they leem to convey) is fo far from wifhing to caft any odium on the School Profession, that, he declares, he efteems it one of the moft honourable in civil fociety. But, as there are fingular characters, and pretenders, to be met with in moft departments in life, a circumftance which ought, if poflible, on every occafion, to be prevented, or corrected, he is of opinion, that the incidents in this Tale of the Pedagogue (which, the Reader may be allured, have their origin in truth,) being exhibited as the fubjeft of public ridicule, may be a means of producing fome good effeft. For, what can be more iniqui- tous, (an epithet it juftly merits,) than the too common praclice of Teachers of all defcriptions, laviflling encomiums on their pupils to the Parent, wheri they are confcious they have neither made the improvement they pretend, nor poflefs the acquifitions they afcribe to them ? The ill confequences naturally attending this praclice are too obvious to need pointing out. Honefty, in this refpe6l as in all others, proves the beft policy. But, when the Preceptor is an ignorant, conceited pedant, as appears to have been the cafe with our Pedagogue, the misfortune is highly alarming, and calls for an immediate remedy ; as the time of youth is invaluable, which being once fuffered to elapfe, is irretrievable ; of which the Latin metaphor refpeding time, is peculiarly expreflive, Fronte cafellata est, j>ost est occasio calva, A3 As As this is the profefled, and manifeft defign of this Bagatelle, it is ptefumed no other apology for its publication may be thought neceflary: But after all " Cui hie Ludus ncster non placet, nelegerit, out cum legerit, ob/iviscatur ; aut non ollitus, jgnoscat." GYMNASIUM, VIII. Cahnd. Januarii. ARGUMENT. Mr. Pedagogue's extraordinary Learning exhibited by his Card or Advertisement his great Acquisitions also in Astrology , Botany, and Ethics his Politics displayed, and admirable Versatility therein his Excellence in Optics and Astronomy Specimens of his wonderful Sophistry in Logic Is invited to sup with his Pupil's Father Curious Answers of Tom and his Tutor whereby they both display their Ignorance of the English and Latin Tongues which so enrages the Father, (who is on the point of dispatching them both with a Halter,) that he resolves to send his Son (intended for the Gown) to the Plough, and hastily dismisses the Master, with a Charge n ver more to enter his Doors. Mr. Pedagogue's Orthography and Penmanship on the Occasion,.- General Refeftigns on the whole, Prostitution of the Terms, Academy, Semi- nary, &c. as also of the Epithets, ClafficaJ, Commercial, &c. THE THE PEDAGOGUE, A TRUE TALE. Hao gin, Ngo ngai kao ching tchlng-tie y fen chuy tchang tc/a y yuanfi, fafou te ni ngai. SCHOOL CAND. Burl. A Recent Fact we here recite, Of a profoundly learned Wight ; Whofe pompous CARD, with Wifdom fraught, Announc'd the various Arts he taught : " The Englifh Tongue, with right Orthoepy,* " True Syntax, Rhetoric, Profe and Poetry ; (f Writing, Accompts, and Mathematics, " Drawing, Cofmography, and Claffics ; " Logic, * Thus pronounced by our Hero; but truly orthoepy, from ortkoepeia, Gr. i. c. recta facuiio. ( 6 ) " Logic, Philofophy, and Philology : " Each Science clear'd from quaint Ontology." Thefe he inftill'd (ev'n into Fools) By " modes peculiar," certain Rules, Which Noftrilms were to other Schools ! And now, en fqffant, may we mention, To other Arts he'd like Pretenfion : Aftrology he knew by Rote, Could wifely fcan a Horofcope ; And, by jlgrippian* Rules recover Our pilfer'd Wealth, or Thief difcover. In Botany not one his Equal, The Difference knew 'twtxt Stem and Petal ; And could with true Bombaft beguile us., On Matrix, Embryo, and Styljis. In Ethics too he'd %vond'rcus Knowledge ; Rever'd the Gown : extoll'd the College ; Of Virtue yet ib ftrictly nice, Condemn'd it as the Sink of Vice. So truly orthodox, they fay, For Cbrrcb and King, he'd fwear, or pray ; Defend, with his laft Drop of Blood, The Conjlitution, bad or good. But * Cornelius Agrippa, a famous ancient Aftrologian. ( 7 ) But itill, when Intereft claim'd his Vote, ~| Exultingly he'd change his Coat, J> And cut each Anti-Frenchman's Throat ) J For " LIBERTY ! " employ his Tongue, And " Bravo ! Five la Nation ! " Or roar out, like a Demi-god, For Reformation a-la-mode. In Politics, fo great his Fame, Knew all that pafs'd in France or Spain, And could, with true prophetic Breath, Tell who was doom'd for Life or Death ! In fhort, his Skill was univerfal ; By Optics, far out-kenn'd fam'd HERSCHEL, Whofe Georgian Star, * and Lunar Mountain, -j~ Were with him hardly worth recounting. So verfed in the " Heavens, Earth, Air," That he with NEWTON might compare ! This * The Georgium Sidus, a hew Planet lately difcovered by the celebrated Aftronomer Mr. Herfchel, at his houfe near Windfor. Its period is about 80 Years, in an orbit fuperior to that of Saturn, at the diftance of about 1 700 Millions of Miles from the Sun. f A burning Mountain in the Moon, difcovered by Mr. Herfchel, by means of his newly conftru6ted Telefcope, of the amazing magnifying power of &>00 in linear Dimenfion. ( 8 ) This Prodigy in Human Science, (Who even to CANTAB s bade Defiance To foil him in a Difputation ; As he, by Ratiocination, Could prove this controverted Thefts <; That all Mankind do wear two Faces." * That Eve was form'd of Adam's Tail, J Which makes the Sex fo ftrangely frail : That two were, four, \\ or black was white, By Syllogifm ftated right. By Major, Minor, Mood and Figure, Prove Sun, or Moon, or Stars were bigger : Or that a Leg or Wing of Fowl Excell'd God's Bl effing, o'er a Bowl !) * Fid. Heathen Mythology, Janus. J Vid. Efsai fur /' Origine et rAnti quite ties Langues. And Lord Monbodo's Account of Iflands in the South Seas, where the Men have Tails like Monkies. || A School Quibble. Let A and B be two diftincl: objefts ; A is one, B is one ; but A and B is tiuo, ergo, A and B, and A B that is, one and one and two, art four. A Paralogifm in Logic : Q. What is better than the Bleffing of God ? A. Nothing. Q. Is not the Leg of a Fowl better than Nothing > A. Certainly .* Confequently the Leg of a Fowl is better than the Bleffing of God ! Q. E. D. His His twelve Month's Labour having ended, (But Tyro neither marr'd nor mended,) To Chriftmas Supper was invited, Where he, in hopes to be requited, And gain Applaufe by learn'd Grimace, Repair' d, with fupercilious Grace. The Cloth being drawn, and ev'ry Man His Pipe and Glafs, the Sire began, " Well, Sir, What think you of my Boy ?" Behold our Sophift's wife Reply : " For Strength of Mem'ry Application, " There's not his Fellow in the Nation : " In Figures, Grammar, Compoiition, " Scarce one dares ftand in Competition. " Come, Tom," fays Mr. Pedagogics, " Rife up, (obferve th' agendi modus,} " And let each Anfwer be explicit, " (I'm at your back, Boy, fhould you mils it,) " Second Perfon plu. imperfe6l Tenfe, " Of the Verb AM ? without Sufpenfe." Tom (better IkilFd in Fruit and Spices) Replies, "you was" when, " re fie dicis /" Our Hero cries, with Air pedantic : The Sire, (whofe Choler oft made frantic) Upftarting from his Elbow-Chair, B "Blockheads!" "Blockheads!" he ftorms, "that's wrong, you were" Poor Tom's again put to the Quere, " What's Latin for To read?" " Docerc" The Sire again, who this propofes, Exclaims in Rage, -" Ora pro nobis ! " But Mr. Fed, whofe great Ambition Lay in his excellent Tuition, To prove he had not idly vaunted, Rofe up, with Countenance undaunted, Commanding Tom to latin ftraight, Whate'er his Dad might pleafe t'inditc. The Sire, whofe Anger now abated, Being in his Chair again well feated, Says, " Tom, let's hear if thy learn'd Skull " Can find the Latin for a Bull " Full-butt did run, and kilfd a Boy" When Tom 'ere long made this Reply, " I think Bos curro plenum fed " (f Hold, Dunce," cries Sire " I'll break your Head, " Is this your Syntax ? ftupid Block ! " By G , thou fcarce know 'ft hie, h#c, hoc!" - Once more, in Numbers, Tom muft anfwer, " How many Groats do make a Crown, Sir ?" Here ( 11 ) Here Tommy thought himfelf at home., Who'd five times through his Dilvuortb * gone ! " Sixty" cries he, too bold to falter, When Sire vocif rates " a Halter ! Halter! " I fwear, by George, our gracious King ! " You richly both deferve to fwing. " The Dog to labour ftraight (hall go " Much fitter for the Team or Plough, " Than to difguft the Public Ear, " In Pulpit, Senate-houfe, or Bar ; Cf And, by his Jargon, bring Difgrace " On all his Kin and future Race. " Or, like Sangrado, have the Curfes " Of thoufands when he'd drain'd their Purfes ; " Or, by the Recipes he gave, " Precipitate them to their Grave. " Produce your Bill, Sir, Quittance write, " And ne'er more come within my Sight." " Miferam me!" our Culprit flutters " Quid Versus audio /" *j~ faintly mutters, B 2 " Pqft * Dilworth's Schoolmafter's Affiftant ; with Country School- mafters (who all teach "Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, and Merchant's jtccoatfts") the infallible Teft of their Scholar's Completion in Figures. A ufeful Book, however, in fome refpeds. Kd. Gil Bias. f Quod Verlum audio. Terence, " Toft gaudius Luftum, \ now/' he cried, " I, to my Grief, find verified ;" With trembling hand draws out the Note ; Forgets the Date., the Sum to quote ; The whole mis-fpelt, and vilely wrote ! From this true Tale, who can refrain With Indignation to exclaim Lord ! How Impoftors are carefs'd, And mere Pretenders do infeft The Prefent Times, with ftale Addrefs Cull'd, and vampt up in borrow'd Drefs ! Witnefs, each paltry, puerile School, Is now, forfooth, COMMERCIAL : Garrets, are term'd ACADEMIES, Where Youth are foon made Prodigies ! In which, if you but chance to peep, 'Tis Odds you'll find Sir Dom afleep ; Th'EffecT; of Burton, Purl, or Gin, Which long his Morning Draughts have been ; Or bawling out, with all his Might, The A, B, C, in ragged Plight ; Where Dirt, foul Air, and clam'rous Noife, Offend your Ears, and Nofe, and Eyes. Or * ~Pft gaudia Ludtu. PLAUT. ( 13 ) Or SEMINARIES/' truly ClaJJic, Compleat the Boy for Gown and Cajfoc : " Who, when he mounts the Sacred Footftool, " Proclaims his Tutor was a Numikull ;" Or his own Skull too thick to yield, Impervious as ./Eneas' Shield ; Or Cerebrum fo plaguy dcnfe, As fcarce t' imbibe one Grain of Senfe ! In fine, we fee, (if worth difcerning,) An Ape in ev'ry Branch of Learning. Who, by his meretricious Arts, Is honour'd for his {hining Parts: Ev'n whilft he robs you of your Cafh, In palming on you nought but Trafh. But fmuggled Praife is not long-liv'd, Detection fcarce it e'er furviv'd . For, like a fudden Gull of Wind, That howling fierce, alarms the Mind ; When lo ! inflead of Danger near, ' A Feather, whirling through the Air T In Mathematics, Puff he vents, Who ne'er yet knew the Elements. Can Navigation teach in Rhyme, And fave one half, his Pupil's Time; Who, Who, when eompleated, knows no more, Than what he did twelve Months before. Will boaft of Lunar Obfervations, Thence Longitude, from Calculations ; Or, by two Altitudes declare Your Latitude, ev'n to a Hair ! But, fhould you chance to alk the Reafon. You might as well have utter'd Treafon. For 'tis with thefe as in high Station, No Scrutiny, Inveftigation ; Left, as by Metaphor 'tis faid, You bring an Old Houfe o'er your Head, And thence repent your Curiofity In Matters, wherein mere Verbofity Ufurps, with Front of Brafs, the Place Of Learning, Genius, Truth, or Grace. And now " To call fortJj Emulation" (What mean Attempts at Imitation !) Our Garret Peds to fhew their Spirit, By ff due Regard to rifing Merit," " Premiums and Honoraries" they difplay, ~| (But, by the bye, miftake the Way, *) As Boys do Baits on Summer's Day, j To * Falfe Orthography. The adopted plural is the Latin Pr&mia, or Prema. ( 15 ) To lure the poor, incautious Fry, Which, when once caught, are fure to die. But they who fbrm'd th' orig'nal Plan, Thefe witlefs Elves fo vainly fham; Their Worth is known, the Teft can meet ; True Sterling all, no Counterfeit. And though invidious Tongues may rail, Wifhing o'er Genius to prevail ; Them SCIENCE' Sonsefleem, with Truth, The genuine Tutors for our Youth. In a few Days -ivill he Publ'i/bed^ ( From the fame Budget ; ) THE TOPINAMBOUS; O P M MONSIEUR'S DESCRIPTION OF THE LAND of LIBER T Y, .Situated in the Parallel of the Tenth Northern Climate BEING A' SERIOUS - COMIC CHANSON de RICOCHET, In the Anglo-gallic Style and Didion. .LJ 3RT 10 yriR0?i UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. Form L9-50m-7,'54< 5990) 444 PAMPHLET BINDER Syracuse, N. Y. Stockton, Calif.