\/Ko"s itv America^ WHO'S IT IN AMERICA WHO'S IT IN AMERICA BEING A SORT O' BIOGRAPHY OF CER- TAIN PROMINENT PERSONS, WITH SOME FACTS ABOUT THEM HITHERTO UNPUB- LISHED IN A WORK OF THIS NATURE ; EDITED AND COMPILED FROM THE LATEST UNAVAILABLE DATA BY CHARLES EUSTACE MERRIMAN AUTHOR OF "LETTERS OP A SON TO HIS SELF-MADE FATHER," "A SELF-MADE MAN'S WIFE: HER LETTERS TO HER SON," ETC. B. W. DODGE AND COMPANY NEW YORK :: :: :: :: :: MCMVI COPYBIGHT, 1906, BY B. W. DODGE AND COMPANY NEW YOBK THE TEOW PBESS, NEW YOBK DEDICATED TO ALL WHOSE "BIOGRAPHIES" HAVE BEEN OMITTED, WITH THE HOPE THAT THEY WILL NOT FEEL SLIGHTED NOTE Any erroneous statements in this book will be corrected in future editions. Please send corrections to The Bureau of Vital Statistics, PacJcingtown, Cook County, III. Any prominent, person desiring a write- up may send copy to the same address. Modest persons may write up their friends. THE PUBLISHERS. October 19, 1906. ADE, GEORGE, author of Any Old Thing there's a Giggle in. Born in Indiana ; had the Measles: got over 'em both without Bad Ef- fects. Early in Life got the Pen Habit ; can't get over That. Woke up the Literary Push with "Artie" (Kind Eegards to Chimmie Fadden). Handed out Advice in Big Chunks, done up like Sugared Pills in Capital Letters and Slang Fables (Thankee, Mr. ^Esop). One day a Theayter Feller got wise to the Latent Talent and Hidden Light in this Smart Guy under the Chicago Newspaper Bushel and turned a Calcium on him. The newspaper 8 Smart Guy took the Hunch, although scart that as a Play Right he'd be Pretty Rotten ; but he wasn't, at least not at the First Crack out of the Box. That got Under the Wire a little later when the Smart Guy was so busy Count- ing Royalties that he'd no time to Think Great Thoughts. Owes so much to College Life that he should do Something Handsome for some Learning Mill. Prefers Operas to Plays 'cause he does 'em Better. Maybe in the fu- ture but this a Fact Factory, not a Second Sight Shop. AGUINALDO, LIEUT. GEN. EMILIO, late commander-in-chief of the Revolutionary Army of Luzon and of the Anti-Imperialist Brigade of America (See Erving Winslow and Winslow Warren in " The Boston Book of Cranks "). Was long noted as the biggest liar in the Philippines, and was therefore called the " George Washington of Manila " by his enthusiastic admirers in New England. For his daring exploits in robbing the chicken- coops of the American officers in the island he was elected an honorary member of the Grid- iron Club of Washington. His petty larcenies 10 became so annoying that a posse of constables under the leadership of High Sheriff Funston went out and nabbed the durned critter and put him in the town lock-up. Was used as laundryman, and did up Gen. MacArthur's shirts so beautifully that he was finally let go on parole. A. is now in retirement in the in- terior of the island, editing the " Tagalog Na- tional Scimitar " and preparing a new revolt for the purpose of being bought off. v ARMOUR, J. H'OGDEN, light-erateur and largest assassin of animals in the world. Claims to be the only American descendant of the ancient English Beefeaters, but is a con- scientious vegetarian whenever he is in Chi- cago. As a boy he delighted the heart of " Old Phil," his father, by inventing a process for making pate de foies gras of sows' ears. En- tered Yale, but when his father's canned goods began to appear in " Commons," was prompt- ly sent to Coventry. Returned to Chicago and the business. When he succeeded in selling 12 hogs' squeals for phonographic records of great sopranos' voices, was taken into part- nership by his grateful sire. A. has traveled much abroad trying to inculcate a taste for his " Devilish Ham," " Anti - Gallinaceous Chicken," " Veriworst Sausage," and " Potted Pigs' Hoofs." Has had some small success with minor potentates, but has as yet failed in his burning desire to be made Purveyor to H. I. M., Kaiser Bill. Is interested in her- aldry and has adopted as his family motto: " I Can." Author : " Peerless Packingtown, the Perfumed Paradise," " Hogs I Have Turned into Men," and " Carols of a Chol- era-ic Cow." Residence: Slaughterhouse Chambers, Chicago. Club address : " Bloods," ditto. 13 ASTOR, WILLIAM WALDORF, the world's greatest absentee landlord. Famous for having god-fathered more hotels than any other living man, running the late G. Wash- ington a very close second. B. in New York, but early outgrew it and once kicked his gov- erness for playing " Yankee Doodle " on the family pianoforte. In his youth " went in " for politics but discovered that money did not make the mayor go. Decided that he couldn't live in America and continue to be a gentleman, so removed to England, consid- erately leaving most of his property behind. 14 Grew highly discontented with his hard-work- ing, money-grabbing ancestors, and with the aid of a munificently paid genealogist, who needed the money, found that he was a back-stairs descendant of a Spanish grandee. Since residing in England has frequently been among the " also-rans " for royal honors. British public is now considering petition to Parliament to change A's name to " Asstor." Author: "Taint in IP America," "Why I Cling to Yankee Boodle " and other essays. Clubs: "Lickspittles" and "Expatriates." 15 BAER, GEORGE F., the only understudy for the Almighty now in practice in America. (See Hohenzollern, Wilhelm, in " Vas Is Vas Im Deutschland.") B. in close proximity to a coal-hod, which was given him as a toy as soon as he was old enough to grasp anything. Early entered country journalism, where habit of " scooping " everything in sight became fixed. Was legal adviser in railroad secrets to J. Pierpont Morgan for many years, which explains certain idiosyncrasies in B's charac- ter. In 1902 made and promulgated to the world his marvellous discovery that the great 16 Pennsylvania beds of anthracite were planted by the Lord for the express purpose of the Reading Coal Barons. In consequence of this he was knighted by the trust and expelled by the geological societies. Now has telephone connection with the New Jerusalem and ex- pects soon to get a ten thousand year contract to furnish coal for Hades. Author whimsical song, " There's Always Trouble Bruin Where Baer Sticks in His Paws." BANGS, JOHN KENDRICK, the only self-made humorist in America. Studied law for a Life vocation, and in that pursuit picked up the delicious drollery for which syndicates and magazines have fought so fiercely. Was at one time editor of the Drawer, of Harper's Monthly, but was " fired " in less than a year because the oldest subscriber wrote a letter to the publishers complaining that one of B's jokes made him laugh. One of his most truly humorous feats was that of running for mayor of Yonkers, N. Y., on the Democratic ticket. In his campaign he insisted on making face- 18, tious speeches; the Republican majority was unprecedented. Hearing that a fellow named Holmes had written some stuff about breakfast tables, intended to be humorous, B. decided to better the idea and produced a large mass of boarding house matter under the autobiograph- ical title " The Idiot." Of late B. has been endeavoring to fill a long felt want in the mat- ter of comic opera librettos, but as even he could not quite get down to their level of stu- pidity, has had little success. 19 BOK, EDWARD WILLIAM, b. in Hol- land, 1863, but got away from there at a rapid gait at the age of six, whence the expression on the part of his admirers, " he beats the Dutch ! " Was educated at the Wassahickon Finishing School for Young Ladies, graduat- ing with rank. Attracted the attention of great magazine owners by remarkable series of papers on " The Spooning of Infants," and was finally adopted by the Ladiesinaids' Own Journal. Strengthened his editorial seat by wedding the daughter of the proprietor, which also gave him the necessary insight for his 20 remarkable articles on teething. Mr. B. has long been a crusader against excessive tips, and in 1904 was nearly killed in the cafe of the Waldorf-Astoria for offering a waiter a nickel. B. is a charter member of the Loyal Legion of Ladies Lecturers. Author : " Every Lady Her Own Housemaid," " The Honorable Art of Dressmaking," and "How to Make Home Happy even When There is a Man There." BRADY, CYRUS TOWNSEND, inventor of the famous literary sausage-mill; b. Alle- gheny, Pa,, near an iron foundry. By watch- ing operations he early conceived the idea of turning vast quantities of words into a hop- per, which, by his patent process, would come out novels. After long struggles with ad- versity, such as being an Episcopalian minis- ter, he managed to perfect his machine, until it now produces for him hundreds of novels, essays, short stories, and histories every week. By means of this handy little contrivance, B. is enabled to be a contributor to all the maga- zines in the world, as it can be worked in any language and upon any subject, previous ex- 22 perience or knowledge not necessary. Has contracts with all the publishing houses in America to turn out books on each popular hero as he comes along, thus trebling the perils of heroism. As soon as he can provide some philanthropic means of livelihood for the rest of the literary world, he will supply the maga- zine and book markets alone and unaided. BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS, peren- nial Presidential candidate; b. Salem, 111., 1860. Although the American people have twice buried him, does not know that he is dead (politically). Became a celebrity in one night in 1896; not yet over it, but has shed the " crown of thorns " he then created, while the nation struggles along under the " cross of gold " cast on the same occasion. Played in the two biggest " national games " on record ; defeated in both 16 to 1. Promised to make one dollar into two, but the people preferred to ketep the one they had. Recently home from 24 Europe. Still hopes to be president, but that's another story. Commanded a regiment for fifteen minutes during Spanish war; ob- jected to the gilt on the buttons. Supposed to edit " The Commoner," although the paper doesn't look as if anyone did. Author of: " How it Feels to be a Candidate," " Why I Didn't Get that Fifty Thousand," and " How I was Licked," (236,798 versions). 25 CARNEGIE, ANDREW, the canny Scot who taught Theodore Roosevelt how to spell. Has given away one hundred million dollars in a frantic struggle not to die rich; as he was born in 1837 and has unnumbered millions left he will have to hurry up if " Here Lies a Poor Man " is to decorate his tombstone. Made the bulk of his wealth in the Steel business (not " steal " ; he has been more honest than his companion multi-millionaires). As he is, as aforesaid, a canny Scot, he therefore must be considered as believing that his investments in library building and other philanthropic gifts pay him good interest. Recently gave ten mil- 26 lions as pension fund for superannuated col- lege professors : net result, one LL.D. for him from St. Andrews University. A number of brave men have medals given from his " hero fund " hidden away where no one can see them. If you need a library address 2 East 91st St., New York City. >TY WORD' CHAD WICK, CASSIE, first (green-goods) lady of the land. With the sole equipment of a winning smile, an insinuating tongue and a pair of hocus-pocus eyes she charmed the most astute birds of finance off their perches and bamboozled them into feathering her own nest. Little is positively known of her early life, but there is a fairly well authenticated report in Cleveland, Ohio, that when she was a young girl her youthful associates were unable to refuse her anything that she wanted. Had she been a man with similar power she might have been a diplomat or a gold brick jobber. 28 (N. B. These are synonymous terms.) Had she not met with reverses it is probable that she would have continued indefinitely baiting traps to catch gudgeons. Inventor of an elab- orate and perfected process for extracting money from a national bank without the use of collateral ; of a method for making a bank president dream while wide-awake; and of a painless method of leg pulling. 29 CHATFIELD - TAYLOR, HOBART CHATFIELD C. H. CHATFIELD-CHAT- FIELD C. CHATFIELD H., noted Chicago lit' ry cuss. Famous as one of the few men born in that city who stayed there. Is de- scended from a Chatfield and doesn't care who knows it. In youthful days got a taste of Spanish mackerel and became infatuated with the land of the castanets. In 1894 was deco- rated with the order of Isabella the Catholic not the Banished to Paris for his skill in cooking Spanish onions at the Chicago World's Fair. Always walks Spanish when he wears 30 It. T. very early began to produce Literature at his own expense, and has had himself done in a lot of very beautiful bindings. Knows Mrs. Potter Palmer, and is therefore always sure of selling several copies every time he brings out a novel. Is also an intimate of Reginald DeKoven, who once set T's life to music for a comic opera, but suppressed the score. Among T's works are : " Oh, Fudge," and other poems ; " The Chatfield-Chatfields," a history in ten volumes ; and " The Vice of Fools," " Two Women and a Fool," and " Ain't I a Fool?" novels. 31 CLEMENS, SAMUEL LANGHORNE, but seldom or never known save as Mark Twain, b. Florida, Mo., in 1835. Ed. in com- mon schools only, which fact partially accounts for his sense of humor. Despite lack of col- lege course has since been tagged with sym- bolic letters by several of the leading colleges. Was funny from birth but it took thirty odd years for people to find it out. For example : When he told his grocer one day that his " pepper was half pease " this is the way the grocer would have spelled it it took him half an hour to calm the tradesman down suffi- ciently to see the point. C. began life as a country newspaper editor; having survived 32 this, his good nature was proof against all things. In later years his jocosity triumphed over the failure of a publishing house in which he was interested financially, and the funny stories he told his creditors fully recompensed them for the delay in payments. (N. B. The fact that he ultimately paid his creditors, dol- lar for dollar, is one of the most brilliant witti- cisms of his career.) The fact that his books are largely read in England shows that the Britisher will buy a joke even if he can't see it. CLEVELAND, GROVER, fisherman and duck hunter; b. 1837, Caldwell, N. J. Father a cleric, which accounts for. G's early separa- tion from the church. Educated for the law and landed as sheriff of Erie County, N. Y. Wearied of hangman's business and became headsman. As mayor of Buffalo and gov- ernor of New York decapitated all his political enemies, so had an easy job in collaring Demo- cratic Presidential nomination in 1884. Beat Burchard-Blaine ticket by a neck. Most meri- torious act in first term : marrying Miss Fran- ces Folsom. Kicked out of White House in 34 1888 by Ben Harrison, whom he in turn ejected for non-payment of electoral votes in 1892. Tied three knots in British lion's tail, from which the critter hasn't yet recovered. Now resides in Princeton, N. J., Buzzard's Bay, Mass., and Sandwich, N. H., according to vari- ation of fish and mosquito seasons. Hired by life insurance men to protect the policy hold- ers ( ?). The only statesman in America who can put on his shirt, buttoned, over his head. Author : " One Grand Sweet Song," and " How to Fish Without Spiritual Comfort." COMSTOCK, ANTHONY, grand conserva- tor of the morals of the world ; b. New Canaan, Conn., 1844, about three centuries too late. At a very tender age began to show signs of an extraordinary love for purity. Refused to eat lettuce unless it was dressed ; would not come to table when leg of lamb was served ; and ran away from home because he overheard his mother mentioning the bare facts in a certain case. Went to New York as the most likely place in the world for his peculiar labors, and founded the Society for the Suppression of Vice. Did suppress it. Has become a veg- 36 etarian owing to his intense antipathy to ten- derloin. Is popularly believed to have broken the arms off the Venus of Milo in a fit of rage at the lady's condition. Was asked to become a member of Rev. Dr. Parkhurst's famous leap-frog expedition, but declined because P. would not promise to have the game in the dark. Clubs: The Knockers, The Kickers, The Sneakers, and The Anti-art. Author: " Good Pictures I Have Spoiled," " The Im- morality of the Naked Truth," and "The Criminal Nudity of Infants." CONREID, HERE, or HAIR, b. 1852, Ausgesightnicht. Early life spent in a boiler shop, where he became impervious to horrible noises. Tried acting and the public encour- aged him to become a manager. Was called to New York to take charge of the sausage and sauerkraut privileges at the Thalia Theater; in six months he owned the whole concern and gave Dutch drama at unpopular prices. Was so successful in keeping stars from colliding that he was invited to the astronomical chair of the Metropolitan Opera House at a hand- some salary and a rake-off. Refereed several 38 fist fights between prirna donnas, and invented an arrangement for the lighting of the Metro- politan by means of Mrs. Astor's stomacher. Imported " Parsifal," a celebrated German dachshund, and was challenged to a duel over the case by Cosima Wagner, a famous Ama- zon. Escaped puncture by declining to fight. Has devised a non-tobacco cigar, called the " Conreid," which he uses to decimate his friends. Author : " Star-gazing, or the Reve- lations of a Night." 39 CHOKER, RICHARD, the Sphinx of American politics. Although the question " Where did you get it 1 " was put to him 973,- 641 times, he never answered a word. C. was born in Ireland, and tried to go back there to live, but his fellow countrymen courteously but firmly presented him with the freedom of England instead. In early life C. was an emi- nent exponent of the manly art and at one time champion of the Bowery Mixed Ale Asso- ciates ; later on was expelled on the charge of drinking champagne. Became chief of the Tammanys and collected vast quantities of 40 wampum from the villagers of New York. His braves finally rebelled, and he was about to be roasted at the stake when he escaped and fled for protection to the great white queen, Victoria. Is now living in the domain of her son, Edward, whom he tried to bunco in a horse trade, but in which act he was detected, and ruled off the Darby race course, doncher know, by gad, old chap. Has become adept at raising pigs and says it reminds him of the happy days of childhood. Member Graft- ers, Boodlers and Long Green clubs. 41 DAVIS, RICHARD HARDING, known throughout the world as the novelist who in- vented the scheme of making himself the brave and stalwart hero of all his own stories, thus gaining intense realism and dispensing with imagination at the same time. With the col- laboration of C. D. Gibson (q. v.) he estab- lished himself as himself in all the works of himself. Was very early attracted to journal- ism and ate printers' ink in preference to candy in days of childhood. Being a newspaper-re- porter D. broke into fiction very easily and made his reputation by one especially good 42 whopper about his chum Gallegher, and some confessions of a butler of his mother's named Van Bibber. His talent for this special line of work resulted in making his services as a war-correspondent much in demand. He fought the Associated Press valiantly in Cuba and saw service in his hotel at Seoul, Korea, Japan unkindly barring him from the army in Manchuria for fear he would wrest the com- mand from Oyama. D. has dramatized R. H. Davis several times with success. Founder Richard Harding Davis Marching Club, and honorary member Venezuelan Revolutionists' Circle. Present address: Davis Kennels-on- Hudson. DEPEW, CHAUNCEY MITCHELL, pro- fessional diner, pomologist, railroad president, dummy director and pacificator; b. Peekskill, N. Y., a few years ago. Has been growing younger with great rapidity in the last decade in order not to be taken for his wife's great- grandfather. Was admitted to the bar in 1858, and allowed to remain there till he told a funny story, when he was invited by the judiciary to retire. Politically is notable chiefly for what he has declined ; wouldn't go as U. S. minister to Japan, refused election as U. S. senator in 1885, spurned the offer of the 44 portfolio of state by Ben Harrison, and re- jected tempting terms of Weber & Field to join their vaudeville company. In 1903 en- tered long distance after-dinner speaking con- test with Simeon Ford, and lost on a foul com- mitted in calling his opponent a monkey, which, he explained, was another name for simian. Loves railroads; is president of 67 lines and director in 345. Is an officer in 1,089 trust companies, and until recently held down a $20,000 vacancy in the Equitable. Does not now speak with Mr. Paul Morton. Author popular song " I'm a Peach ; You May Pluck Me When Ripe." (Note: The recent dwin- dling of his popularity suggests that he is not only ripe but over ripe.) DEWEY, GEORGE, admiral U. S. navy and at one time national hero. (Note : Ameri- can heroes keep best after decease.) Hap- pened to he near Manila at outbreak of Span- ish War ; assisted by a fleet and a few thousand American seamen made pepper pots out of the Dons' fighting craft. Didn't think he had done anything remarkable till he saw Ameri- can newspapers. Came home and finding streets, babies, dogs and suspenders named after him, knew he was a hero. Later antag- onized the crowds that had just ceased hysteri- 46 cal cheering of him by presuming to make it apparent that he believed that when they gave him a house by popular subscription they meant it; also offended by daring to cast sheep's eyes at another house (White) and by designating one particular woman as his choice. Inspired 678,000 versions of " One dewy morn in May." Author of many books on strategy, including: "Why I Don't Think There Were Torpedoes in Manila Bay and Why I Don't Care " ; " Steering Through the Waves of Popularity " ; and " Bombs vs. Bouquets." Also of the impassioned poem, " E'en tho' he be an admiral, a man's a man for a' that." DOUGLAS, WILLIAM L., widely known as the " surprise party governor " of Massa- chusetts. Previously had been billed in all the papers of the United States as the " World's Greatest Shoemaker," and when it came election time the people booted the other fellow all over the lot and put D. into the State House under the impression that he would take care of every voter who was on his uppers. His chief exploit as ruler of Massachusetts was to make Gen. Miles High Cockalorum of the Bay State army, by which his uniform was utilized in sending heliograph signals farther than ever before known. D. refused to be a 48 candidate for a second term on the ground that he feared he might in that case be elected President of the United States in 1908, and he didn't want the worry. Member of Leather Medal and Hidebound clubs of Brockton, Mass. Is very fond of art, and has made his picture one of the most easily recognizable in the world. lias a facile touch at literary de- scriptions, which has made his articles on the merits of his footgear acceptable in all the newspapers and periodicals. ERLANGER, ABE, mouthpiece of the Theatrical Syndicate; little, but oh, my! What nature deprived him of in feet and inches, she added in energy and voice. Despite a certain rotundity in girth, can rehearse the most agile chorus girl off her feet without turn- ing a hair. Has made himself the most con- spicuous stage manager in America solely by personal endeavors, and has amassed millions by the popularity of his theatrical booking 50 agency; many American managers declining to play their companies except by arrange- ment with it. Nevertheless is reported as not entirely happy, as the sobriquet " Napoleon of the drama," which rightfully belongs to him, has been appropriated by another. Is said to be writing a play with himself as the hero ; if the report is true will probably star himself in it. Author of the famous bon mot " Don't talk to me about Shakespeare ! Give me John McNally!" ^. r 51 FAIRBANKS, COLD WINTER, the hero of the song " How'd You Like to be the Ice- man? " Born during the height of the excite- ment over Dr. Kane's voyages to the polar regions, and has always been interested in the science of frigidity. Quite early attracted attention of physicians all over the world by possession of a natural temperature of 33 Fahrenheit. Because of length and thinness was known as " The Boy Icicle " in his native town. Slept in the refrigerator to help his struggling parents until he grew too extensive for the ice-bo's. Stiidiecl law aacl did well 52 until judges before whom he practised began to die regularly of pneumonia. In campaign of 1904 was selected as running-mate to the President to neutralize the Rooseveltian heat. By hard work keeps administration tempera- ture at about 80 degrees. Presides in Senate very warm days; at other times being asked to name a substitute. Presidential fever has added little warmth to his system. Charter member Ice Carriers' International Union. Author: "Dietary Effect of Snowballs"; poems, " Love Epics of a Polar Bear," etc., etc. 53 FITCH, (WILLIAM) CLYDE, once Amer- ica's only playwright, now contesting with G. Bernard Shaw for first place. Gave evidence of dramatic bent of mind as an infant, his first connected words being in dialogue form; in boyhood devoted many hours to play. One of his first acted dramas, " Beau Brummel," was written for Richard Mansfield, who liked it so well that he later claimed it as his own. F. wrote several good plays before he. w.as..sjQ un- fortunate as to become famous ; since that tune has apparently not found it necessary. His 54 chief success has been in staging certain trivi- alities of society life which his predecessors neglected as immaterial. Spent early life in filling a barrel with plays that no manager would produce ; is now arm-weary from draw- ing them out. Author, in addition to 7,368 dramas : " Why I Feel a Special Interest in the Building of New Theaters," " Companies I Have Rehearsed and How They Liked It," and " Why Do Managers Bother about Eng- lish Playwrights till my Barrel's Empty? " 55 FROHMAN, CHARLES, the "Napoleon of the drama," b. Sandusky, 0., where, at the age of seven, he organized a theatrical com- pany in his father's cellar, first securing an option on all the plays the farmers of the vicinity might write. Has apparently recently presented some of these. Subsequently stud- ied art in black and white as treasurer of Hav- erly's Minstrels. Took " Shenandoah " when the public didn't want it and made it im- mensely popular, proving that theater-goers do not know their own minds. Has attempted similar tat'tibs since with similar results ; has 56 also failed, with the result that even he long ago gave up figuring on the public. Was the first to exalt the manager above the actor by putting his name first on the program, but it doesn't seem to have chastened the actor. Said to be searching for the American playwright, but apparently believes that he lives in Eng- land. Reported to have himself written fine dramas, which, however, did not meet with the approval of his play readers; among them being : " Napoleon and I," " The Thankless Star," and " The Necessary but Unseemly Syndicate." GARDNER, MRS. " JACK," the lady who has made Boston tired ; not born yesterday, of parents in the syrup business, which alienists believe accounts for the known sweetness of her disposition. Mrs. G. has a pretty taste in art, and established a " public " museum in her residence, thereby evading for a time the pay- ment of duty on her treasures. Said publicity consists of a very limited number of tickets at $2 a tick, obtained through one of the regular ticket speculators. Is said to have scrubbed the steps of a Boston church on her knees in Lent, but as no reporters or photogra- 58 pliers were present the rumor is not credited. Mrs. G. is a great and valued friend of budding musicians who are clever enough to arrange their hair correctly, and know how to retrieve when whistled at. Is a keen and forcible conversationalist, and is often over- heard discussing affairs of state with her attaches at the Boston theaters. Always has the same box at the Boston Horse Show when she can persuade " Tom " Lawson not to out- bid her. Is highly musical, and is popularly believed to make up the programs of the Bos- ton Symphony Orchestra. 59 GARNER, RICHARD LYNCH, official stenographer for the Orang-Otang Daily Ga- zette, of Mumbo Jumbo, South Africa. G's attention was first turned toward serious study of Simian by a visit to the menagerie when a boy, at which time he noted that a monkey when pricked with a needle fastened at the end of a cane uttered sounds closely resem- bling human profanity. Same animal when offered rum and molasses was observed to say " yes " with great distinctness. For years G. studied new language in all its branches, dur- ing which time he perfected a limited vocabu- 60 lary. Went to Newport and tried it on Harry Lehr, and from the signs of intelligence on L's face was encouraged to go to Africa and en- gage in the education of the baboon. Got him- self elected mayor of Mumbo Jumbo, but was afterward impeached for his ruling that there should be no rings in the city government. Is now a journalist, as above noted, and is also engaged upon a grammar of his native tongue. Founder and president of The Apes. In- ventor the Monkophone. Author : " Orango- scope " (poems) ; " Chimpanzee Lullabye " ; " Simian Swear-words " ; and " The Gorilla as a Clubman." 61 GERICKE, WILHELM, lately conductor of the best Little German Band in America, sometimes called the Boston Symphony Or- chestra. Being a Teuton of the Teutons, he was born where he ought to have been. Com- menced his musical career when extremely small and always yelled in chords of the di- minished seventh. After many vicissitudes in opera houses and beer-gardens, G. heard of a band in Boston owned by a Mr. Higginson and patronized by a Mrs. Gardner, and came over. Did not pretend to be a baron and was received coldly at first, but soon proved 62 his value and was asked to subdue society chatter during concerts in old Music Hall. Found Mozart ineffective, and gradually worked along through Beethoven, Brahms and Berlioz to Wagner, who did the business. Is called a "martinet," which means that he makes the first violins pay attention to business instead of to the society girls out front. Is famous as having been the introducer of lever- wurst to the Back Bay, of Boston. Author: " The Mistakes of Richard Strauss and Other Yellow Composers." GIBSON, CHARLES DANA, the most in- dustrious decorator of young girls' " dens " the country has ever known. His ability in this line is so pronounced that Vassar College offered him an enormous salary if he would properly oversee the pasting up of his prod- ucts in that institution, but he refused in favor of Tuskeegee Institute, where he gave a notable series of lectures on " Black and White." G. has been unjustly accused of creating a new type of American girl, but the charge is wholly baseless, for no such type ever existed, despite the claims of some forty thousand young women that they inspired his work. G's young heroes are all modeled on 64 Richard Harding Davis, with a few inches of height and a little facial spirituality added. Might be called the Hogarth of America if he did not draw so sweetly. Having earned his vacation money from the dear things of America, G. has now flown to Paris to dab- ble in oils. Is honorary member National Association of Spoons, Moonstruck Maids, and Silly Seminarians. Author : " Checks I Have Drawn," " It Pays to be a Heartist," and " Can I Do the Parisians Also? " 65 GREEN, ANNA KATHEEINE (ROHLFS), edition de luxe dime novelist; b. Brooklyn, N. Y., 1846, on a tempestuous November night, in the dark of the moon. Early youth was most mysterious but discern- ing; said to have had positive, if unrevealed, clues to the identity of the surreptitious vis- itor to the maternal preserve pantry. Prefers dark lanterns to incandescent lights, and is said to speak only with " bated breath." When wooed and won, preferred a " bracelet " to the conventional engagement ring. Asked for suggestions as to the building of her new 66 residence, requested that grated wickets be placed in the doors and iron bars at the win- dows. Is positive that she could imagine an unlimited number of criminal mysteries that Sherlock Holmes, Conan Doyle, and Dr. Wat- son could not solve. Favorite author: Gabo- riau; favorite scent, Criminal; favorite poem, " Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage." GREEN, HETTY ROWLAND ROBIN- SON, the richest woman in America, also the most extravagant in her personal habits; b. New Bedford, Mass., 1835. Lives in a hall bedroom in New York and never minds the expense. Has even been known to take a street car when she might have walked, and it is stated on credible authority that her din- ners sometimes cost twenty-five cents. Is so lavish as to be regardless of consequences, and once narrowly escaped arrest under the anti- tipping law for offering a bellboy a cent. Mrs. G. knows more about railroads than any 68 man in the country, and never encourages cor- porate extravagance by paying her fare. She spends enormous sums every year Tor gowns, hats, and jewels, but affects to despise per- sonal adornment and appears sometimes in a garb that would give her washerwoman the shivers. Loves to see money in circulation (around her safety deposit vault). Author of numerous denials that she intends to bequeath her money to charitable institutions ; proposes to take it with her. [Jealous rivals in the stock market have spread the cruel report thai Mrs. G. does her own washing. We know this to be false. ED.] HAWTHORNE, JULIAN, reformed nov- elist, recently become famous by telling the aristocratic young gentlemen who read the New York Churnal how to regulate their habits of bathing. Some say that the literary style of these tub-to-tub talks excels that of H's earlier works of fiction, but they have been found to be envious rival editors. H. is popu- larly believed to draw $100 a plunge for these articles, with $50 added for an especially im- pressive rub-down. He inherits his father's handsome person and some of his genius, but the latter died a very natural death in New 70 York City. H. once collaborated with one James Russell Lowell on an interview entitled " How I Hate Englishmen," but L. subse- quently repudiated his share of the work and H. drew all the royalties with a club. Of late he has turned to the long-distance unrav- eling of murders for his paper. Can solve any criminal mystery in ten minutes, and can write more of what he doesn't know than any other man alive. Clubs : " Sons of Their Fathers " and " Roll-Top Desk Sleuths." HEARST, WILLIAM RANDOLPH, jour- nalistic Pooh Bah and bete noir of editors who don't know Horace Greeley is dead ; b. in San Francisco, but finding the Golden Gate too nar- row, went to New York and painted journalism yellow with his father's gold. The new color became so popular that non-color blind editors hustled to give their papers a similar tinge; those who did not losing circulation and their jobs. First editor to abandon time-honored fiction that a newspaper is an oracle, substitut- ing the bluff that it belongs to its readers. Foolishly permitted himself to be sent to con- gress. In 1904 was scratched in the Presiden- 72 tial preliminaries. Near mayor of Gotham in 1906. Opposed to trusts, but " a chain of newspapers isn't a trust." Has made notabili- ties out of nobodies by publishing signed arti- cles by them in job type. Inventor of the change - the - style - of - type - the - more - frequently - the - fewer - the - ideas editorial, and of the Welsh - rarebit - lobster - a - la - Newburg Sunday magazine section. 73 ^ HONOUR, INCREASE, financier and in- surance expert ; b. 1839, Equality, South Caro- lina. From humble beginnings has amassed great wealth slowly and surely by shrewd in- vestments, although never taking profit from the loss of others less fortunate. Made his first millions so easily that he sought more work and became president of the Equable Life Insurance Company at a nominal salary, declaring that the honor was almost sufficient recompense. Resigned from the directorate of the Safety Trust Company because the in- 74 surance company had an account there. He is highly Publishers* Note: The following telegram from the compiler is self-explanatory " Can- cel Increase Honour's biography. There never was any such man." 75 HOPPER, DE WOLF, (said to be his real name), the longest laugh-maker in the the- atrical business (6 ft. 4 in.) ; b. 1858, within hearing of Broadway, where he would prefer to remain. Began stage career in " Hazel Kirke " with Dan Frohman's Madison Square Company, but was too funny for drama, and after subjecting his voice to more or less suc- cessful cultivation went into comic opera, in which he is to some extent an acquired taste, although extremely palatable to those who fancy his humorous flavor. Has impersonated De Wolf Hopper in " Wang," " Dr. Syntax," 76 " El Capitan " and innumerable other operas. In 1893 married Edna Wallace Hopper, a petite actress who still bears his name for stage purposes only. H's chief hold on fame is his soulful and touching, also incessant, rendition of a sad elegy yclept " Casey at the Bat." Creator of this recipe for comic opera : Take one tall first comedian, mix him up with a lot of trouble which he tries to shift to a very short second comedian; sprinkle with gags, shrugs and grimaces; season with hand organ tunes ; garnish with costumes ; serve hot with bad pun sauce. 77 HUBBARD, ELBERT, the only man in America who is making culture pay 75$ a year. Was born in Illinois, but is no sucker on that account. He early began to make lit- tle journeys to the homes of the Great, includ- ing his own, and although he has never seen any of the places he has described, his elo- quence has moved millions to tears. Upon reaching manhood .he became interested in political economy and finally decided that the keystone of success is to induce others to work for you at a stipend of board and clothes and not too much of either. Accordingly 78 founded the Roycroft Shop at East Aurora, N. Y., and gets his lodgers to make pretty books for him which he sells at fabulous profits. The trade-mark of his volumes is " Done at East Aurora," and all who visit that spot for food and rest say it's perfectly true. H. is chiefly notable for having written a treatise on the value of an employee doing just as he's told, without asking any ques- tions ; this has proved the ruin of more smart office boys than East Aurora could feed in fifty years. 79 SURPLUS- HYDE, JAMES HAZEN, the man who made Equitable investigated; b. in Luxury, State of Plutocracy, not long ago. Early took an interest in his father's life-insurance com- pany and has taken large interest from it ever since. Is part French, and therefore can never be induced to dance the German, although extremely fond of the giddy whirl. Was introduced to the 400 by Uncle Chauncey M. Depew, who was suspected of joking, as usual. H. was the inventor of the fancy-dress life-assurance ball, and is known as the only 80 man who ever worked a French ambassador for an " ad." In summer of 1905 H. gave a series of comic exhibitions before the Newport set, thereby incurring the deadly jealousy of Harry Lehr's monkey, whom he afterward challenged. Fight was not pulled off owing to police interference. Recently took French leave for Paris, where he will remain if the popular vote has any influence with him. Composer popular songs " Weary Doin' Nuffin' All de Time," and " The Scads of Dear Old Equitable." 81 JAMES, HENRY, enigmatic novelist; t>. New York, 1843, but with Bostonese instincts, since strengthened by long residence in Eng- land. Studied law, which accounts in part, it may be, for the subtleties, as it were, of his literary, or novelistic style, or phraseology, or, to put it more definitely, turns of expres- sion or diction. Whether his environment shaped his heredity for it is logical to say that he had both heredity and environment or his heredity his environment, it is, beyond peradventure, certain that both heredity and environment, taken concretely or in the ab- 82 stract, were fundamentally, or, to state it in another way, basicly, at the bottom, or be- neath, his novelistic style; the heredity, or ancestral hereditaments, being, to some degree, and the environment, or begirding conditions, to an even greater degree, or measure, or ex- tent, responsible, or in the main essentials re- sponsible, or approximately responsible, even to the extent of finality, for the EDITOR'S NOTE: The assistant editor dele- gated to prepare this particular biography, came to his task fresh from perusal of Mr. James' latest novel; further comment is un- necessary. LACKAYE, WILTON, actor and orator; b. in Virginia at an tmgiven date. Although a distinguished creator of character roles, is chiefly conspicuous by his shrinking modesty off the stage, a peculiarity which has earned him the sobriquet " Violet." While in New York he may usually be found at the Lambs Club if the rooms are carefully searched, as his retiring disposition impels him to seek the most secluded nooks and corners. Had he not realized that he was intended by nature to be the world's greatest actor, L. would probably have been a minister or a journalist, either of 84 which callings might have led to the overcom- ing of his painful shyness. Author of numer- ous poems and panegyrics, among them being : " I." " Me," and " Myself." I I fl 85 LAWSON, THOMAS W., financial icono- clast and idol of the impecunious. After spending the best part of his life pulling chestnuts out of the fire for " The System " monkeys, wants to make them follow his ex- ample and reform. A profuse contributor to current literature, usually at regular advertis- ing rates. Writes with a stick of lunar caustic dipped in a dynamite cartridge filled with nitroglycerine and blood. Knows more about the business of the kings of Wall Street than they know themselves, and a great deal more 86 than they wish he did. Has a sovereign rem- edy for all the ills the flesh is heir to, but if it makes " the market " what he says it will, his occupation will be gone. Has large life-insurance interests by proxy. Has tried racing with horses and yachts, and is a true sportsman, but was wise enough to " copper " his bets against Standard Oil by an annuity for his family. Inventor of the Lawson Pink, and of more ways of lambasting H. H. Rog- ers than there are roads to Rome. Author: " Why I Am an Honest Man." In prepara- tion : " My Pen is Mightier Than the Sword, but The System Would Try a Dagger if It Dared." 87 LEHR, HARRY, jester-in-ordinary to the Princess of Astoria; b. somewhere a certain number of years ago, of parents unknown to New York society. First heard of on Fifth Avenue as a wine drummer, and showed such marvellous persistency that the 400 was obliged to take him to its heart in order to avoid taking his wares into its stomach. Had a happy inspiration to tell Grandma Astor that she looked like a girl of seventeen one evening, and thereafter had no board bills to pay. Married a rich widow and quit drink- 88 ing his own wines, upon which he mellowed immediately and became Chief Thinker for the Newport Association of Feeble Minded. By his arduous labors has largely increased the membership of that organization. L. seems to have been born a few years too late ; a middle-ages monarch would have given him a cap-and-bells, and his present jokes would have suited that period to a nicety. Has done some literary work, chief of which are his celebrated treatises, " Monkeys I Have Dined With," and " Cameras I Would Like to Have Smashed." 89 MANSFIELD, RICHARD, the Jekyll and Hyde of the theatrical profession; b. Heligo- land, 1857. Studied for the East Indian Civil Service, but being unfitted for it in disposi- tion starved for a time in his own art studio. Was the best Koko in " The Mikado " ever seen in this country, and although he has played such serious roles as Richard III and Ivan the Terrible many theater-goers persist in thinking him comic at all times; as a rule the members of his companies do not share this view. As a before-the-curtain speaker he stands pre-eminent, and many of his audiences 90 . have known what he thought of them ; oppor- tunity to give them a similar privilege was unfortunately lacking. Favorite character Richard Mansfield. Favorite play, Richard Mansfield's. Author : " Managers I Have Had Who No Longer Speak," and " If Shake- speare Had Only Lived Till My Time ! " In preparation : " The Only Great Actor I Ever Knew," (autobiography). 91 BY APPomTMENT TO THE (CROWNED HEADS EUROPE. OTHERS MORGAN, JOHN PIERPONT, known also as " Jupiter " ; banker ; b. Hartford, Conn., 1837. Educated in Boston, which ac- counts for his well-known urbanity of man- ner. A youthful predilection for making him- self custodian of his playmates' pennies led to his adoption of the banking business; has since served as high-class pawnbroker to the crowned heads of Europe and the money kings of America. At one time considered that he owned the earth, but since collapse of Ship Building Trust has resigned claim to the oceans. Like many other modern rich men, delights in giving away his money, be- ing unable to spend it fast enough notwith- 92 standing the earnest co-operation of the art dealers of Europe. Author : " The Stolen Stole, or How It Feels to be Buncoed," " Wa- ter in Stocks Will Not Float Every Scheme," and " Croesus Not Such a Much After All." 93 NATION, CAROLINE, commonly known as CARRIE, professional iconoclast; b. date unrecorded. At age of three weeks argued her mother out of her avowed intention as to bringing her up, her antagonism to " bottled goods " continuing until later in life. Famous chiefly as inspirer of d Nations, and for creating consterNation by a series of person- ally conducted liquor raids which landed her in jails, on lecture platforms, and in dime museums. Despite many traits of the Indian, she never " buries the hatchet," but always has one to sell. Much might be said of this remarkable woman, but as she has done little for years but talk of herself, extended com- 94 inent is not necessary. Has published sev- eral pamphlets, including : " Liquors I Have Mixed, Being the Authentic Details of My Demijohn Smashing," " Temperance Not a Theory But an Axe-iom," and " My Right Arm is Still Good for Many a Milk Punch." 95 OSLER, WILLIAM, discoverer of the fact that the human brain turns to goose-grease at the fortieth year and ossifies at the sixtieth, requiring an overdose of ether to fit it for the life beyond. Was born in 1849, and ought to know as to the first part of his proposition. O. was fully matured at the age of three, and at five performed his first operation for fatty degeneration of the thinker. At seven lectured before the primary schools of Canada on the Senility of Sweet Sixteen. Sported a full set of whiskers when eleven years of age, and was arrested as a Russian spy while traveling 96 in Germany with his parents. In 1870, 0. startled the world by the promulgation of his theory that old men of twenty-one should be forbidden to vote instead of just permitted. At the venerable age of forty (the goose- grease year) he became a professor at Johns Hopkins, and although very feeble managed to keep his chair. Lately moved to England, having no further use for a young country. Author: "Evidences That Shakespeare's Post- 40 Plays Were On the Bum," " Three Years More to Live," and " My Preferred Dope." Member Suicide Club. PAEKER, ALTON B., at one time the only known citizen of Esopus, N. Y., believed by some to have been a fabled town, now long since buried. A tradition exists around the site of the one-time village that P. was once a candidate for some high office. Antiqua- rians, however, while generally agreed on the main fact, differ widely as to the nature of the nomination, some holding that P. was run- ning for Hogreeve, an ancient position of great honor, while others maintain that he desired to become Master of the Hounds at 98 Washington. On the eighth of November, 1904, P. was caught in a tremendous ava- lanche, and has not been seen since. There are rumors, however, that he has been heard from trying to dig his way back to the sur- face. A large fortune awaits him on his ar- rival, it is said. Old inhabitants of York state often declare that P. was a trapper, as in antique records there is some mention of his "getting the ermine." It seems quite probable that he was an Indian hunter, as there are writings extant showing that he was much disliked by the tribe of Tammany. v PARLOA, MARIA, cook; known also as " the Physician's Friend " on account of her earnest labors toward bettering the financial status of the medical profession by her en- couragement of amateur cooks. In babyhood evinced her natural genius by stealing into the pantry at the age of three and kneading the family bread, at which task she was sur- prised by weeping father and mother. (See famous painting by F. Opper.) In child- hood discovered formula for making mud-pies with the addition of glue, which recipe Miss 100 Parloa afterward amended for use in her justly celebrated gingerbread. At 21 she founded the New Art School of Cookless Cooking, in which " Culinary Sightreading, or Roasting by Rote " was the chief exercise. Miss P. has been highly honored by the Amal- gamated Association of Digestive Pill Men of the World for her valuable services. Author : novel, " For Thy Stomach's Sake," and poems, " The Gullible Gullet, and Other Raw Verse." 101 ROCKEFELLER, JOHN DAVISON, pro- fessional Good Samaritan ; b. Rockf ord, N. Y., 1839, with cash book and ledger under his arms ; could calculate compound interest when four months old. Popularly supposed to have invented coal oil, but acknowledges his in- debtedness to Divine Providence; endeavors to discharge the debt vicariously by benefac- tions to religious societies. Has lived many years without a stomach; is said by some to be also without " bowels of compassion." Next to running his fellow men out of business, he likes church work best (Congregational 102 churches barred). Believes firmly in the " Golden Rule," personally amended to : " Do others and never let them do you." Has shed more " good light in a naughty world " than the rest of humanity put together, at the top notch price per shed. Believes in giving away millions for educational purposes, thus crea- ting more students to "burn the midnight oil." Since his money was called " tainted " has given it away more lavishly than ever; seems afraid it will not " keep." 103 ROSS, CHARLEY, b. at Philadelphia, 1870, and about every year since. Early evinced great taste for travel, and at the ten- der age of four went out buggy-riding one day with a couple of evil-browed gents and has not yet got home. Is thought to be pay- ing a visit to some friends in Chelsea, Mass. Has been the cause of more narrow escapes for hoboes and yeggmen than all the con- stables in the United States, for three-quar- ters of them have been taken to Philadelphia and bribed to forswear their identity. Al- though it has never been proven, it is believed 104 by some that R. is the man who struck the esteemed William Patterson, and for that outrage is keeping in seclusion. Has been elected honorary member of all the Press Clubs in the United States as an acknowledg- ment of his great services in furnishing impe- cunious newspaper men with " copy." Funds are now being collected among his friends to send a search party to Chelsea some time next year and bring him back to public life. 105 RUSSELL, LILLIAN, opera singer and unshrinkable beauty; b. (cruel though it be to record it) 1861, Iowa. Popularly supposed to have had more husbands than Bluebeard had wives, but has only had three; could readily make it a quartet at any time, however. Dis- covered by Edward Evangeline Rice in a church choir and promoted to " Pinafore " when she was scarcely out of one. After over twenty years on the stage, learned to act at the dramatic academy of Weber & Fields. By this time she was beginning to forget how to sing. Of late years a firm devotee of Christian 106 Science, which she certainly should try on her voice. Prefers automobiling to pedestrianism, but grows more svelte annually. Author: " Married Men I Have Known " ; " My Ex- periences With a Tenor Singer " ; and " Beau- ty Is But Skin Deep, But That's Deep Enough." Favorite authors: Madame Yale and Lola Montez. Favorite song : " If Yer Hain't Got No Money Yer Needn't Come 'Round." 107 SETON, ERNEST THOMPSON, (alias, THOMPSON, ERNEST SETON; SETON- THOMPSON; THOMPSON-SETON, etc.), bosom friend of animals, barring Mephitis Mephitica; b. with a bare skin, from which prodigy his nurse foresaw trouble brewing for the infant. Very early took to the woods, from which he has never emerged except for lecture tours, during which he betrays with- out compunction all the confidential remarks the varmints have made to him. In 1890 promulgated to the world his amazing discov- ery that bears would eat honey when forced 108 to it by hunger, and that wildcats were not adapted to the fireside of the American spin- ster. A little later followed the announcement of his theory that the Jabberwock had no true place in the fauna of the United States, but was a purely British beast. S. is now (1906) on an expedition into the deepest wilds of the Bronx, where he intends to study the habits and domestic life of the Sus Americanus. Is honorary member Elks, Eagles, White Rats, etc. Author : " Critters I Have Criticised," "Was Balaam's Ass Properly Reported?" and " Hunting Snakes on Broadway." 109 SULLIVAN, JOHN LAWRENCE, an ex- fetich of Boston, Massachusetts, at one time disputing with the Sacred Codfish and the Immortal Bean for supremacy in popular en- thusiasm. For several years it was a moot question whether John L. or James Russell Lowell would be handed down to posterity as the typical representative of the Modern Athens, and visitors were invariably asked: " Have you climbed Bunker Hill monument? " and " Seen Sullivan ? " S. began life as a blacksmith, but iron proving unresponsive to his blows took up " the manly art of self- 110 defense." His principal opponent has been John Barleycorn, with whom he has fought many thousands of bouts, none, however, to a finish. First to introduce "hot air" as a weapon for pugilists. Has lectured exten- sively, chiefly in saloon courses, his favorite topics being : " When a Champ Was the Real Thing, or Before I Met Corbett," " The Money I Have Liquidated," and " Why Boston Needs a Statue of Yours Truly." TAFT, WILLIAM H. ("Big Bill"), Sec- retary of the Lid under a part of the Roose- velt reign. Chosen for position on account of his immovability when once fairly down, and served his master through thick and thin. Had doubtful honor of succeeding to the seat of " Peach " Depew (mildewed) in Yale cor- poration as well as the bother of being meas- ured from a new chair. In 1906 discovered the celebrated Panama banting system, con- sisting of malarial atmosphere, mosquitos and canned grub. Lost nearly half of himself in practice of it. May go upon the Supreme 112 Bench if he can train down to the Melville W. Fuller class. Was once nominated for Presi- dency during the banquet of Yale '78, at 2.30 A.M. to the campaign tune of " Boola Boola," but is not doing any running because it hurts him to run. Author : " My Skeleton, or Far, Far Away," " Around the World With Alice and Nick," and " Presidential Pretenders and Other Men I Must Sit Upon." Clubs : Adi- pose and Chaperones. Decoration: Order of Full Moons from the Rajah of Phfatt. Resi- dence : White House Annex. TARBELL, IDA M., born in the early days of the petroleum activity, and has been strik- ing oil ever since. When a young girl had her horoscope cast and was warned to avoid a tall, thin, hairless gentleman; with feminine con- trariness, however, she has purposely been after just such an individual for a number of years, but they have not been introduced as yet. Miss T. carries her prejudices to an un- usual extent; she never eats salad dressing containing oil, will not consult the Standard Dictionary, and denies the plenary inspiration 114 of Baptists. She once sued for libel a news- paper that inadvertently stated that she was a " tank of information," and not long after fainted in a theater where the ancient gag " Carrie seen it, I didn't " was sprung. Miss T. is a member of very many recondite orders and societies, including the " Anti-Pipe Line League " and the " Washington Gladden Asso- ciates," and has been decorated by all the great gas and electric lighting corporations. Au- thor : " Why Has Not John D. Horns ? " " It's Oil in a Lifetime," and " Hell for His." 115 VAN ALEN, "JIMMIE," almost min- ister to Italy in 1893; b. in New York of Old Knickerbocker stock; has worn knicker- bockers ever since as a compliment to his an- cestry. Is all English except his cash, which was handed down to him by an inconsiderate American parent. The first man from this side to be decorated by His Nibs, of England, receiving the Cross of the Knight of Grace of the Order of St. John of Jerusalem, which nearly tipped him over frontwards when he put it on. This bit of tinware cost Van A. $25,000, put into a hospital ship during the 116 Boer war. Once heard that he looked like His Nibs, and immediately imported at great expense one of the First Gentlemen of the Bedchamber to make him up daily. His only claims on the gratitude of his fellow-country- men are that he once kicked Harry Lehr out of his house, and that he has determined to take up a permanent residence in England. Has had literary aspirations, but has been too busy trying to thwart the matrimonial schemes of his daughters to produce anything of last- ing fame. His lyric, " Chasing the Suitors from Wakehurst with Bulldogs and with Guns," has, however, been widely quoted. rs \J v>/HtTE HOUSE WASHINGTON, BOOKER TALIAFER- RO, b. in the dark ages, but didn't stay there, thanks to A. Lincoln and his own brains. Is a white man in every sense except that of the epidermis, the shade of which latter was never his own fault. Early perceived the advan- tages of knowing something and has never outgrown the habit. State authorities of Alabama showed a gleam of sense in 1881, and elected W. head of the Tuskegee school, where he has been finishing mahogany prod- uct of varying shades ever since. Once took lunch with President Roosevelt because he 118 was invited, and the national government nar- rowly escaped having another secession to put down. Kecently dined with John Wanamaker at one of the big hotels of Saratoga, and the whole force of colored waiters struck in a body. W. is famous in culinary lines, hav- ing given the name " Booker Washington " to chocolate pie. Is a voluminous author, among his best works being : " What I Don't Know About Vardaman, and How Glad I Am That I Don't Know It," "The Raising of Chickens Around Tuskegee," and " The Ethics of Razor-Play." -TV WHEELER, ELLA WILCOX, the poetess of the steam radiator; b. on the hottest day of the hottest August for fifty years. Preferred Tabasco to milk in infancy, and has always used red pepper as sachet pow- der. While yet a girl set fire to her father's ice-house whither she had gone to write a poem. Her first literary ef- forts appeared in the Asbestos Workers' Monthly, and rapidly won recognition from the Steamfitters', the Ma- rine Firemen's, the Blast-Forg- ers' and the Smelters' unions, to all of which she was elected honorary member. Is widely known to medical science as only patient whose 120 temperature ever burst a clinical thermome- ter. M. a Mr. Wilcox in 1884, but is now wedded to the New York Journal, in columns of which she furnishes heat to cooled-off love affairs. Founded and has always been president of American Order of Burning Sap- phos. Author : " A Hot Time, and Other Cal- cined Poems." 121 DC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A 000 674 470 o