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 ABE MARTIN
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 From a war-time photograph
 
 V 
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 0/ 
 
 Brown County, Indiana 
 
 KIN HUBBARD 
 
 With Illustrations 
 by the Author 
 
 Indianapolis 
 The Bobbs-Merrill Company 
 
 Publishers
 
 Copyright, 1906, 1907, by 
 F. K. Hubbard 
 
 Published March, 1907 
 
 PRESS OF 
 
 BRAUNWORTH &. CO. 
 
 BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS 
 
 BROOKLYN, N. Y.
 
 To My Wife
 
 THANKS ARE DUE TO THE 
 INDIANAPOLIS NEWS FOR 
 PERMISSION TO REPUBLISH 
 MUCH OF THE MATERIAL IN 
 THIS VOLUME
 
 INTRODUCTORY 
 
 Persons who have tried all known 
 patent medicines without relief will 
 do well to try these Abe Martin dan- 
 delion and sassafras cocktails before 
 turning their faces to the wall. Abe 
 is now an established institution, and 
 no supper-table is complete without 
 him. The clods are softer under the 
 weary hoof and the plow-handles 
 easier to manage after a moment's 
 communion with Abe. He is Plato 
 on a cracker barrel; or radiant Soc- 
 rates after Xantippe's departure to 
 visit her own folks in Tecumseh 
 Township. 
 
 A cartoon and two sentences are 
 sufficient for Mr. Hubbard's pur- 
 poses, and no one since "A. Ward" 
 has shown the same genius for 
 mirth - provoking epigram. Abe's 
 friends are as classic as Abe's whisk- 
 ers, and those of us who have stayed
 
 all night at the "grand hotel'* of 
 some budding town that hopes to 
 have a street fair and a ten-wagon 
 circus next year — delectable and per- 
 manent hope ! — know that Constable 
 Newt Plum, Tipton Bud, Niles Tur- 
 ner, Pinky Kerr, Tilford Moots, the 
 Misses Fawn Lippincut and Tawney 
 Apple are veritable figures snatched 
 bodily from the rural landscape. Mr. 
 Hubbard is a direct descendant of 
 the well-known Hubbard family 
 whose dog got no bone from the his- 
 toric cupboard. Toothpicks from 
 this cupboard are now sold at two 
 dollars apiece at the Museum of Fine 
 Arts in Chillicothe, Ohio. 
 
 In fifteen years' acquaintance I 
 have never known Mr. Hubbard to 
 be serious but once, and that was 
 when he described Bellefontaine as 
 a place that the expectant pilgrim 
 could always identify by the two 
 sparrows on the south end of the 
 water tank near the Big Four sta- 
 tion. I have passed that tank twenty-
 
 seven times since, and have found 
 Mr. Hubbard's statement accurate 
 in every particular. 
 
 It is, therefore, with a clear con- 
 science that I give this symphony in 
 gingham my hearty endorsement; 
 and if the author of it should be ar- 
 rested for arson or safe-blowing at 
 any time when I myself am at large, 
 I solemnly promise to be one of ten 
 thousand men to put up a dime 
 apiece to bail him out. 
 
 Meredith Nicholson 
 
 Indianapolis, November 7, 1906
 
 The Father of His Countryman, 
 Abe Martin 
 
 ABE MARTIN !— dad-burn his old picture! 
 P'tends he's a Brown county fixture— 
 A kind of comical mixture 
 
 Of hoss-sense and no sense at all! 
 His mouth, like his pipe, 's alius goin', 
 And his thoughts, like his whiskers, is flowin' — 
 And what he don't know ain't worth knov^rin' — 
 
 From Genesis clean to baseball! 
 
 The artist. Kin Hubbard, 's so keerless 
 He draws Abe 'most eyeless and earless; 
 But he's never yit pictured him cheerless 
 
 Erwith fun 'at he tries to conceal — 
 Whuther onto the fence er clean over 
 A-rootin' up ragweed er clover, 
 Skeert stiff at some "Rambler" er "Rover" 
 
 Er new-fangled automobeel. 
 
 It's a purty steep climate old Brown's in; 
 And the rains there his ducks nearly drowns in 
 The old man hisse'f wades his rounds in 
 
 As ca'm and serene, mighty nigh. 
 As the old handsaw hawg, er the mottled 
 Milch-cow, er the old rooster wattled 
 Like the mumps had him 'most so well throttled 
 
 That it wuz a pleasure to die. 
 
 But best of 'em all's the fool-breaks 'at 
 Abe don't see at all, and yit makes, 'at 
 Both me and you lays back and shakes at 
 
 His comic, miraculous cracks, 
 Which makes him — clean back of the power 
 Of genius itsse' fin its flower^ 
 This Notable Man of the Hour, 
 
 Abe Martin, the Joker on Facts. 
 
 Very truly your old Hoosier friend, 
 
 JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY 
 
 lodianapolis, May i, igo6
 
 ABE MARTIN'S 
 NEIGHBORS
 
 NEWT PLUM 
 
 Constable Newt Plum is a sample 
 of what a cool, calculating, upright 
 gentleman of steady habits, a strong 
 right arm and a disposition "to do" 
 can accomplish in a small commu- 
 nity offering few advantages. His 
 sterling integrity and respect for the 
 views of others brought to him the 
 highest office within the gift of his 
 neighbors — the important and highly 
 essential office of constable. Mr. 
 Plum has filled the office for thirty- 
 two years with wonderful credit to 
 himself, his married daughter and 
 his legion of friends. In settling the 
 disputes over great national prob- 
 lems that arise at the blacksmith 
 shop and the post-office, Mr. Plum 
 is seen at his height — his clear, thun- 
 derous voice never failing to bring 
 calm and good feeling. 
 3
 
 TAWNEY APPLE 
 
 Miss Tawney Apple, still in school, 
 makes her home with the family of 
 Elgin Tyler, her father and mother 
 having been killed by a corn shred- 
 der two years ago. She is remark- 
 ably bright for her years, nineteen 
 summers, and can bound Indiana 
 and write verse of a high order, as 
 witness : 
 
 Hear the school-bell, hear it ring. 
 I trip along and laugh and sing, 
 I love to go to school each day 
 And when there's work I never play.
 
 TIPTON BUD 
 
 Tipton Bud was born at Seely- 
 ville, Indiana, in 1850, and settled in 
 Brown County in seventy-two. He 
 is a gentleman of strong convictions 
 and has been a prominent mule- 
 breeder for some years, not caring to 
 mix in politics. His wife had money.
 
 TILFORD MOOTS 
 
 Tilford Moots is a native of Cham- 
 paign County, Ohio, and comes from 
 a famous pioneer family that was 
 identified in a large degree with the 
 early history of the Democratic 
 party and other hardships. He can 
 remember when Urbana, Ohio, was 
 a field of yellow grain. Mr. Moots 
 has resided in Brown County for 
 thirty-three years and is prominent 
 in the hoop-pole industry. He is 
 widely read and greatly interested in 
 the conduct of the Panama Canal 
 project, the election of United States 
 senators by direct vote of the people, 
 and has written a number of sting- 
 ing articles on the silver crime of 
 seventy-three. 
 
 6
 
 TINKY" KERR 
 
 "Pinky" Kerr is a slip-horn player 
 of wonderful aptness, and when he is 
 not traveling with some troupe he 
 makes his home with his sister, Mrs. 
 Bunker Hooper. He relates many in- 
 teresting stories of his travels, of 
 famous managers who have skinned 
 him, of narrow hotel escapes, long 
 walks, and of once being poisoned 
 on canned corn at Hurley, Wiscon- 
 sin, while traveling with old Duprez 
 and Benedict.
 
 ^xvisi- 
 
 CLEM HARNER 
 
 One very rarely finds a musician 
 possessing the rare ability, both cul- 
 tivated and native, of Professor Clem 
 Harner, stowed away in an isolated 
 hamlet. Mr. Harner has made his 
 home in Brown County for fifteen 
 years, and practically nothing is 
 known of his previous life. Since his 
 sweet, silver notes on the cornet first 
 charmed the community Professor 
 Harner has been a formidable char- 
 acter with the people. Professor 
 Harner has organized a silver cornet 
 band that plays on the slightest 
 provocation, and his concerts always 
 create widespread interest. He has 
 played for two political meetings 
 where Bryan has spoken, and talks 
 most interestingly of once shaking 
 hands with the peerless Nebraskan. 
 8
 
 ALEX TANSEY 
 
 Professor Alexander Tansey was 
 entering his second year in the An- 
 gola, Indiana, high school when he 
 quit and accepted a position as a 
 teacher in Brown County. During 
 vacation time Mr. Tansey hangs pa- 
 per and canvasses for a work called 
 "Gems of Verse and Prose." He 
 reads a little medicine, too, at night.
 
 YOUNG LAFE BUD 
 
 Young Lafe Bud is the only son of 
 Tipton Bud, and cares little or noth- 
 ing for agriculture. He yearns for 
 the commercial life and solicits for a 
 Chicago firm that makes life-sized, 
 realistic crayon portraits from writ- 
 ten description or old battered-up 
 war-time photographs. He makes 
 the small towns and registers from 
 Philadelphia, and is a favorite with 
 interurban conductors and dining- 
 room girls. He appears at his best 
 in a crowded hotel office after the 
 business worries of the day, when 
 his merry quips cause roars of laugh- 
 ter among the guests. 
 
 10
 
 NILES TURNER 
 
 Niles Thurston Turner was born 
 at Roundhead, Ohio, in 1818, and 
 came West with the Blue Jacket In- 
 dians to Indianapolis in 1840. Later 
 he took up his residence with his 
 daughter, Mrs. Clement Mopps, in 
 Brown County. After a perfectly 
 rounded out career Mr. Turner de- 
 lights to while away the evening of 
 his life telling the most outrageous 
 and preposterous Indian stories, and 
 scaring little children. He also makes 
 ax handles. 
 
 II
 
 
 MISS FAWN LIPPINCUT 
 
 Miss Fawn Lippincut is the niece 
 of Tilden Moon, and is in her seven- 
 teenth year. She commenced to at- 
 tract attention in Brown County as 
 early as 1895 by her remarkable tal- 
 ent as a recitationist. One member 
 of the Moon family recently re- 
 marked that she had probably re- 
 cited "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little 
 Star" five hundred times — always 
 with much success. She comes of a 
 dramatic family. Her mother kept a 
 theatrical boarding-house at Crest- 
 line, Ohio, and her father was a trap 
 drummer and traveled many years 
 with well-to-do comedy troupes. It 
 is the desire of the Moons some day 
 to develop her and put her on the 
 road to fame. 
 
 12
 
 EZ PASH 
 
 Uncle Ezra Braddock Pash is a di- 
 rect descendant of a family of Norse 
 pirates, and was born at Cat Creek, 
 Pennsylvania, many years ago. He 
 has a marvelous memory and little 
 or no regard for the truth. He re- 
 members distinctly seeing General 
 Marquis de Lafayette change cars at 
 Union City, Indiana, for Greenville, 
 Ohio. Mr. Pash has lived in Brown 
 County forty years and has two sons, 
 one at Michigan City and one at Jef- 
 f ersonville. 
 
 13
 
 GERM WILLIAMS 
 
 Miss Germ Williams is just out of 
 her teens and already has quite a 
 reputation as a trimmer and organ- 
 ist. Her needle has won her many a 
 prize at fairs of different kinds. She 
 expects to accept a position with one 
 of the largest millinery establish- 
 ments in Indianapolis at no distant 
 date. 
 
 14
 
 ABE MARTIN
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 By ginger, next t' bein' ez good ez 
 yer wife's folks th' hardest thing in 
 th' world t' do is pick up a three-cent 
 piece with a boxin' glove on. Dave 
 Angel asked old uncle Ez Pash if he 
 ever seen any o' th' Pilgrim fathers, 
 an' Uncle Ez said : "Nup, I wuz livin* 
 near Union City in those days." 
 
 Our school teacher, Mister Alex 
 Tansey, says he wishes winter would 
 "take his grippe an' leave." Alex is 
 purty comic fer a teacher. Th' mag- 
 azines is full o' Pope Toledo these 
 days. By ginger, he's a new one on 
 me. 
 
 Th' feller thet got hez coat tails 
 shot off at Loogootee last night is 
 able t' be "roundabout." It must be 
 awful t' hev t' live in a city durin' 
 one o' them campaigns fer a "busi- 
 ness administration." 
 
 17
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Uncle Ez Pash says his new hired 
 man is so dinggasted lazy thet he 
 hed t' sharpen all th' stumps on th* 
 farm t' keep him from settin' down. 
 Your husband wunt kiss th' cook if 
 you do your own cookin'. 
 
 This is th' open season fer hunt- 
 ers, barbed-wire fences an' funerals. 
 Newt Plum's married dorter hez 
 gone blind lookin' fer soap sales in 
 th' newspapers. 
 
 Congressman Landis is a-makin' 
 his canvass up in th' "felt boot dis- 
 trict" this week. Landlord Newt 
 Slicer o' Pickreltown, Ohio, knows 
 ez much 'bout th' show business ez 
 a reg'lar perfessional. He hez t' 
 travel two er three days with ever' 
 troupe thet stops et his hut-tel. 
 
 Tilford Moots hez a niece thet 
 poses in a' art school in New York 
 an' jist makes a bare livin'. A feller 
 thet orders scrambled eggs would 
 take chances on anything. 
 
 x8
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Doctor Hiram Tate is a-goin* t* be 
 married in September. Hiram says 
 thet ther' won't be no invitations, so 
 I guess he's t' furnish his own home. 
 Ther's alius somethin' brewin' in 
 Milwaukee t' stagger humanity. 
 
 Talk 'bout humidity, by ginger, 
 Newt Plum says they served butter 
 in a dipper over t' th' New Palace 
 Hut-tel t'day. Some folks hev hired 
 girls round th' house jist t' git th' 
 news. 
 
 Elgin Tyler is th* oddest feller. 
 He'll take a drink o' liquor an' meb- 
 by he won't take another fer ten er 
 fifteen minutes. Th' burlesque the- 
 aters er open up et Indynoplus fer 
 th' benefit o' those thet didn't git t' 
 go t' AtUntic City. 
 
 I heerd there wuz goin' ter be a 
 new magazine printed called th' 
 "Sky Scraper." Twenty-two stories. 
 I'll be gosh dinged ef I ever heard o* 
 a feller gittin' a devorce from a 
 woman thet wuz a good cook. 
 
 19
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 This is the sort o' weather I alius 
 think o' th' campaign orator what 
 talks 'bout th' glorious independent 
 life o' th' farmer. Alex Tansey 
 thinks somethin' o' goin' with a 
 troupe. His uncle wuz quite a actor 
 an' tore paper fer th' snow scene in 
 th' "Two Orphans" when it wuz 
 played in th' old Metropolitan livery 
 stable et Urbana, Ohio, back in fifty- 
 one. 
 
 20

 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' grove wuz man's fust temple, 
 but thet wuz long before we got ont' 
 to issuin' bonds. A woman excels et 
 blamed nigh ever'thing but ironin' 
 th' neckband o' a shirt. 
 
 Dave Angel's boy is gittin' 'bout 
 big enough t' run off. He'll probably 
 be a motorman er go with th' reg'lar 
 army. I dun't look fer much good t' 
 come o' municipal ownership in this 
 country ez long ez we hev Dimmy- 
 crats an' Republicans. 
 
 Ther's a' unusually big crop o' 
 girls with bulging foreheads an' re- 
 treatin' chins wearin' turbans this 
 fall. Th' streets er so wide et Craw- 
 fordsville th' neighbors hev t' use 
 opery glasses t' keep a line on one 
 'nother. 
 
 Newt Plum says he seen a two 
 hundred dollar bill yisterday, an' it 
 wuz ez big ez th' South Bend Trib- 
 une. I heerd some blamed dude ask 
 fer "country-fied" pertaters et a res- 
 turint in Columbus Saturday. 
 
 23
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Talk 'bout devotion. A woman up 
 et Columbia City hed a valuable 
 horse die fer her. Ez Pash an' Niles 
 Turner hev made arrangements t* 
 receive Bryan's New York speech by 
 rounds et th' blacksmith shop t' 
 night. 
 
 I take notice thet these fellers thet 
 hev successfully worked out th' 
 problem o' ariel navigation alius ride 
 on th' cars when they wunt t' go 
 anywheres. Our school teacher, Mr. 
 Alex Tansey, denounces Roosyfel's 
 pneumatic spellin' in unmistakable 
 terms. 
 
 Some blamed troupe is a-playin* 
 "Repertoire" ag'in over et Colum- 
 bus. I'd think thet they'd git tired 
 o' thet play some time er 'nother. 
 Anna Laurie must a bin a wonderful 
 woman. Th' poet says thet her voice 
 wuz "low an' sweet." 
 
 Lots o' seemin'ly intelligent folks 
 keep on sayin' "butatoes" fer per- 
 taters. I kin remember when they 
 used t' line pantaloons. 
 
 24
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A good, shiny book-agent kin sniff 
 "a dollar per" hut-tel farther than 
 any man thet travels. Th' feller thet 
 dun't read th' daily newspapers hez 
 a hard time lookin' wise while his 
 friends discuss th' affairs o' th' coun- 
 try. 
 
 Ther' seems t' be some consider- 
 able sediment ag'in Gov'nor Hanly's 
 two-cent fare policy. Folks thet 
 patternize th' interurban lines er 
 claimin' thet they won't be able t' 
 save ez much. Jim Collins says thet 
 th' "round robin" fust started et Cir- 
 cleville, Ohio. 
 
 One good thing 'bout bein' a Dim- 
 mycrat in Indianny is thet you dun't 
 hev t' mortgage your home t' git a 
 perlitical nomination. A story wuz 
 in circulation here Monday thet a 
 stranger, claimin' t' be a well-t'-do 
 sewin' machine agent o' Mansfield, 
 Ohio, found a good canteloupe up et 
 Martinsville. 
 
 25
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' feller thet looks funny with 
 his hat off is alius th' busiest individ- 
 ual et a convention er meetin' o' any 
 sort. Al Clemens an' his wife hev 
 split up. His wife took all th' furni- 
 ture an' th' five children an' Al took 
 th' blame. 
 
 Poor ole Turpin Pusey hez hed a 
 peck o' trouble. His wife wuz struck 
 by lightnin' while she wuz plowin', 
 three sons takin' th' gold cure an' a 
 dorter thet recites. I dun't know 
 which is th' biggest rube — th' coun- 
 tryman walkin' about with a con- 
 ductor's check in his hat er th' tad- 
 pole with his suit-case covered with 
 labels. 
 
 26
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A farmer never seems t' be satis- 
 fied. Jist ez soon ez he harvests his 
 wheat he commences t' plow fer 
 more. Even handle-bars are higher 
 these days along with ever'thing 
 else. 
 
 No matter what it is — a reception, 
 a hat, a funeral er a glass o' sody — a 
 girl alius calls it "swell." We'd hev 
 longer summers if th' blamed Park 
 The-ater up et Indynoplus didn't 
 open th' season so early. 
 
 I'll bet thet th' editors thet hev 
 been flyin' over th' country fer years 
 on railroad passes wish they'd paid 
 more attention t' th' scenery while 
 they hed a chance. Newt Plum's son 
 Decatur is goin' t' th' Rose Pyro- 
 technic Instytute et Terry Hut. He's 
 learnin' t' make sky rockets. 
 
 I guess th' pool-rooms hev opened 
 up ag'in up et Indynoplus, fer Pinky 
 Kerr seen a sign on a buildin' sayin' 
 "Aristoka Flat — i to 4." By ginger, 
 it's fer better t' give than receive — a 
 Christmus necktie. 
 
 27
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ole Ez Pash says thet he guesses 
 th' reason Oklahoma editors look so 
 happy an' prosperous is becuz they 
 raise two crops o' turnips a year out 
 there. 
 
 Strawberry boxes er so blamed lit- 
 tle this year thet they bruise th' ber- 
 ries. Tipton Bud will be seventy- 
 three years old t'morrow. He says 
 he'd be seventy-five, but he wuz in 
 Urbana, Ohio, two years. 
 
 Tipton Bud says thet if ever'- 
 buddy thet listened t' Bryan up et 
 Plymouth Wednesday would vote 
 fer him he could be elected without 
 New York an' all th' States o' th' 
 Middle West. Standin' on ther dig- 
 nity makes some people look still 
 shorter. 
 
 Tilford Moots' wife is a smart crit- 
 ter. She punched th' bottom o' th' 
 coffee-pot full o' holes so it wouldn't 
 rust. Constable Newt Plum's son- 
 in-law is goin' t' move out o' a flat 
 int' a ten-room house so he'll hev 
 room t' take a Sunday paper. 
 
 28
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Tipton Bud's wife hez been kickin' 
 all her life fer a new summer kitch- 
 en, an' Tip told her yisterday thet 
 he'd build her one when Bryan got 
 elected, an' she said : "You'll not git 
 out o' buildin' it thet way." These 
 people thet go t' th' circus "jist t' 
 take th' children" never wunt t' pay 
 fer them when they git up t' th' door. 
 
 Th' peaches on top o' th' baskets 
 er unusually large an' fine this sea- 
 son. By ginger, you kin drive a man 
 t' drink, but you can't make him take 
 seltzer. 
 
 There's many a man gits int' 
 trouble thet's alius been good t' his 
 wife. A night school fer sign-paint- 
 ers would be a crackin' good thing. 
 
 Tiry Buff dun't take hez wife no- 
 where now since they're married. 
 He says fellers dun't run after street- 
 cars after they've caught 'em. Doc- 
 tor Elliott Nod, a' imminent writer 
 o* Bucyrus, Ohio, sez we're ridin' 
 faster'n we live. 
 
 29
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ther's gittin* t' be too many 
 blamed schemes in this country t* 
 "make people save thet wouldn't 
 otherwise save" — an' lose thet 
 wouldn't otherwise lose. Th' society 
 column in a newspaper is a good di- 
 rectory fer a porch climber. 
 
 30
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I claim thet ther' hain't no good 
 excuse fer marryin' a penniless, ugly 
 girl — 'specially if yer goin' t' be 
 home much. You kin generally tell a 
 feller thet likes a "wide open" town 
 by his stomach an' watch chain. 
 
 I guess pickin' out wall-paper hez 
 caused 'bout ez many tragedies ez 
 liquor. Dave Angel says thet it gits 
 a hundred in th' shade down here in 
 th' summer time. By ginger, I dun't 
 hev t' stay in th' shade all th' time. 
 
 I seen a Chineeman in Columbus 
 t'other day with human bein' clothes 
 on. No matter how hard up er how 
 homely th' average feller is, he'll al- 
 ius subscribe liberally t' any scheme 
 t' git his picture in a volume o' 
 "Prominent Men o' Indianny." 
 
 When a feller comes around you 
 complainin' thet th' banks an' pust- 
 offis er closed, put your hands in 
 your pockets. The Republican party 
 is goin' t' give us a purty good ter- 
 mater crop after all. 
 
 33
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Our pust-offis stays open till 8 p. 
 m. now since Miss Germ Williams is 
 takin' "Journalism" by mail. Ther's 
 a great display o' buggies an' sau- 
 sage et th' State Fair. 
 
 I seen a big feller with a whisky 
 nose drinkin' sody water with a 
 couple o' girls over et Morgantown 
 yisterday. I dun't know which one 
 he wuz tryin' t' please, but he 
 seemed t' be makin' an awful sacri- 
 fice. Ole Niles Turner alius borrows 
 a newspaper "jist t' read." 
 
 It must be awful lonesome in Peru 
 these long winter evenin's unless 
 you like t' go t' church er shake dice. 
 Waldo Blayney, who hurt hisself 
 makin' a high dive in Bean Blossom 
 crick this summer, hed his skull ter- 
 rapined yisterday. 
 
 Young Lafe Bud says he'd jist ez 
 leave tek chances on splittin' his 
 tongue with a knife ez punchin' his 
 eye out with a fork. No feller ever 
 ort t' git too great t' register from 
 th' little town where he lives. 
 
 34
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' feller what's alius spoken of 
 ez bein' "fond o' horses" ez th' very 
 one thet drives ther tails off. This is 
 fine corn weather, an' ez old Milt 
 Whitehill would say, "corn makes 
 whisky, an' whisky makes Dimmy- 
 crats, an' Dimmycrats makes parry- 
 mount issues." 
 
 By ginger, I never knowed a good 
 fisherman thet 'mounted t' anything. 
 Dave Angel says Bill Bryan would 
 rather be wrong than President. 
 
 Pinky Kerr wuz tellin' Ez Pash 
 thet John R. Walsh started out years 
 ago a poor boy, an' Uncle Ez said: 
 "Who'n th' dickens ever heerd o' 
 anybuddy ez old ez Walsh thet start- 
 ed out rich?" Kris Kringle is 'bout 
 th' only feller in this country thet 
 kin clean up on a "one-night stand." 
 
 Th' most exactin' an' critical lover 
 in th' world is th' ugly feller. He ex- 
 pects his girl t' be endowed with all 
 th' grace an' loveliness known t' her 
 sex. When a feller can't spell he 
 alius puts "dictated" on his letters. 
 
 35
 
 ABE 
 
 MARTIN 
 
 Some o' th' 'rithmetic problems 
 thet spoiled your childhood bother 
 yer a durned sight more after you er 
 married an' try t' git by on eight or 
 nine dollars a week. By ginger, it's 
 no wonder we're hevin' so many 
 sueycides with th' cost o' livin' up 
 where it is. 
 
 A barber never begins t' sharpen 
 his razor er tighten his shears till 
 somebuddy gits in his chair thet 
 wunts t' be shaved in a hurry. Ole 
 Ez Pash, who spent his early man- 
 hood with th' Mac-o-chee Injuns et 
 Pickreltown, Ohio, says thet nothin' 
 so completely infuriates a Injun 
 chief ez t' hit him in th' eye with a 
 fried egg.
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th* old-fashioned "dollar excur- 
 sionist" thet used t' pull his boots off 
 an' let his feet dangle over th' arm o' 
 th' seat seems t' hev dropped out al- 
 together. Ez long ez th' "findings" 
 fer a woman's dress cost ten times ez 
 much ez th' dress, times will alius 
 be a little skimpish in this country. 
 
 Pinky Kerr is th' only feller I ever 
 seen thet played th' accordion with- 
 out th' tin-cup attachment. Th' fel- 
 ler thet's goin' t' lecture here t'night 
 on "Germs o' Verse" asked Newt 
 Plum 'bout th' acoustic properties o' 
 th' hall, an' Newt said : "All we do 
 is t' furnish th' lamps." 
 
 Th' depression o' business an' felt 
 boots make it so quiet up et Mill 
 Grove, Indianny, thet you can hear 
 th' rustle o' a pair o' overalls two 
 miles away. Quite a number o' the 
 boys went over t' Columbus last 
 night t' see "A Life's Mistake." 
 Pinky Kerr said thet th' plot wuz th' 
 thickest he ever seen. 
 
 37
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Some fellers belong t* s' many 
 blamed secret orders thet they hev 
 t' die before ther wives kin git a new 
 dress. Farming looks nice — from a 
 car window. 
 
 Newt Plum's son-in-law lives in 
 one o' them Indynoplus flats, an' he 
 says thet his settin'-room is so 
 blamed little thet ever' time he 
 crosses his legs he kicks his wife. 
 Elcine Bud's husband hez gone back 
 t' his parents. 
 
 You git a hack with ever' shave 
 down et Lon Meadow's shop. Ther's 
 some prospects o' a new opery hall 
 up et Indynoplus, with all th' seats 
 on th' end o' th' sixth row. 
 
 Ole Ez Pash says it must 'a' been 
 hard pickin' t' run a newspaper in th' 
 stone age. Jist think o' writin' four 
 perch o' society news with a chisel 
 an' deliverin' th' papers t' th' sub- 
 scribers in a hod. You can't tell 
 much 'bout a girl jist cause she cries 
 et "East Lynne." 
 
 38
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 By ginger, I'll never fergit th' time 
 I carried th' bass drum through two 
 foot o' snow fer ole Dupree an' Ben- 
 nydick's minstrel troupe. Ever' time 
 th' feller soaked th' drum it knocked 
 my hat off. Ole Niles Turner says 
 thet he dun't keer whether a feller 
 hez been married ten, twenty or fifty 
 years, some new phase o' his wife's 
 character will pop out every day. 
 
 Did you ever go int' one o' them 
 tonslitis parlors an' hev a bald-head- 
 ed barber talk fer an hour t' git you 
 t' try some hair restorer? A gal will 
 stand in front o' th' lookin' glass an' 
 powder her nose fer twenty minutes 
 an' then fly int' a tantrum if any- 
 buddy tells her it shows. 
 
 Th' New Plush Ultra Comedy 
 Company played "Fogs Ferry" here 
 last night, an' No. 28 got th' barrel 
 o' flour. Anybuddy kin tell Aunt 
 Maria Pash hez seen better days by 
 th' evidences o' refinement an' gen- 
 tle blood 'bout her home premises. 
 She hez a geranium in a tomato can. 
 
 39
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Mr. Alex Tansey is puttin' th' fin- 
 ishin' touches on his new meller- 
 drammer, "The Slaves o' Catarrh." 
 Pinky Kerr hez bought a pair o' two- 
 dollar patent leathers fer Easter, an* 
 he hed t' break a couple o' raw eggs 
 in 'em before he could git 'em on. 
 
 AO
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 After a feller gits through with a 
 marriage license clerk an' his appler- 
 cation fer life insurance, he's told 
 *bout all he knowed an' more too. 
 'Cause ther' hain't no place like 
 home is th' reason so many girls 
 work in th' stores an' offices. 
 
 Some o' those blamed Indynoplus 
 grocery keepers ort t' go t' a ball 
 game an' learn somethin' 'bout quick 
 delivery. I guess it'll be purty hard 
 t' revive wrestlin' an' croquet in this 
 country. 
 
 A feller down et Seymour hez got 
 a half-dollar o' th' date o' 1849. By 
 ginger, he must be a tight wad. Th' 
 saddest, most pathetic o' all sorry 
 spectacles is a red nose an' a dyed 
 mustache. 
 
 Some folks seem t' think thet th' 
 only time they ort t' look pleasant is 
 when ther in a photergraf gallery. 
 Pinky Kerr says thet th' difference 
 between a trained seal an' a regular 
 actor is thet yer hev t' feed th' seal. 
 
 43
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I'll be blamed if it dun't seem like 
 th* fellers thet er so crazy 'bout 
 wearin' unyforms never hev any 
 shoulders. I asked Uncle Ez Pash 
 how he accounted for his longevity, 
 an' he says, "I never shaved, an' jist 
 let 'em grow." 
 
 Seems like folks what take little 
 trips once a year spend all ther time 
 an' money on souvenir pustal cards. 
 My wife's niece et Cumberland says 
 thet th' corn is so high ther' thet th' 
 sun hez t' back in on th' old National 
 road. 
 
 Ez Pash wuz lookin' in a cistern 
 over et Nashville Saturday an' fell 
 in with some folks from Blooming- 
 ton. A country preacher alius dresses 
 like a corpse. 
 
 Mr. Alex Tansey hez got a graffy- 
 phun. It sounds like th' raspin' o' a 
 new pair o' overalls. Tilden Moon is 
 travelin' with a troupe ez juggler. 
 He comes by it honestly. His father 
 used t' eat peas with a knife. 
 
 44
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Miss Fawn Lippincut says thet th' 
 Indianny University Aluminum is 
 th' next thing on th' tapestry fer her. 
 Tailors dun't care much fer prom- 
 isin' young men. 
 
 Th' Decluration o' Independence, 
 th* bumin' o' th' fire department et 
 St. Mary's, Ohio, th' Emancerpation 
 Proclermation an' th' long sleeve 
 glove famine o' 1906, will always be 
 memorable epicures in American 
 history. 
 
 Miss Fawn Lippincut recited in 
 Melodeon Hall last night fer the 
 benefit o' Clem Harner's band, an' 
 notwithstanding th' infrequency o' 
 th' weather ther wuz many people in 
 th' audience who were not there. 
 
 Miss Angie Moots, Tilford Moots' 
 oldest dorter, is t' be married th' fust 
 o' May, an' ther gittin' ready t' send 
 out 'bout three hundred and fifty 
 duns. You kin git a purty fair idear 
 o' a woman's dispersition from th' 
 way she scrapes out a pan. 
 
 45
 
 A B^ E 
 
 MARTIN 
 
 Owin' t' th' "long glove famine" 
 quite a number o' our girls' elbows 
 er gittin' t' look like goat's knees. 
 There's a good deal o' speculation 
 down here ez t' whether Taft is a 
 goin' t' run er set down. 
 
 Some feller wuz down here yister- 
 day tryin' t' start some sort o' a new 
 insurance lodge. When you die you 
 git a brass band o' eight pieces, two 
 wreaths, a concrete tombstone an' 
 fifty dollars, an' when you're sick th' 
 lodge members shake th' box t' see 
 who nurses you. Th' Uncle Tom's 
 Cabin troupe thet wuz here Monday 
 wuz th' best dog an' pony show thet 
 hez been 'long this way in years. 
 
 46
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Women er all right on bargains 
 till it comes t* pickin' out a husband. 
 Ther' er three kind o' Christmusses 
 — white, green an' blue. 
 
 Th' feller thet's alius tellin' what 
 a wonderful woman his wife is gen- 
 erally hez t' smoke in th' kitchen. 
 Nobuddy ever elopes but once. 
 
 I often wonder what kind o' look- 
 in' people pick out th' pictures thet 
 hang in hut-tel rooms. Country edi- 
 tors go a merry "clip." 
 
 Niles Turner hez sent t' Warshin'- 
 ton fer a patent fer his new shovel 
 thet he's gittin' up. It hez a clock in 
 th' handle. Folks what eat liver 
 "make no bones" 'bout it. 
 
 Th' way t' stop wars between 
 nations is t' stop lendin' 'em money. 
 I know a feller et Mulberry Junction 
 what quit drinkin' thet way. Ther's 
 some talk 'mongst th' women folks 
 down here o' tryin' t' git a tainted 
 library. 
 
 47
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ez fast ez th' world gits better 
 some one designs a dress t' spoil it. 
 Nobuddy kin talk ez hard ag'in ex- 
 cessive rates ez th' feller thet spends 
 fifteen cents a minute fer his enthu- 
 siam. 
 
 Ther's lots o* simple girls in smart 
 gowns. I understand many non- 
 union laborers er leavin' th' cities an' 
 goin' on farms where they kin work 
 twice ez many hours fer half th' 
 money. 
 
 Miss Tawney Apple started out t' 
 a kitchen shower this afternoon with 
 an umbrella. All this talk 'bout a 
 home fer chorus girls is blamed non- 
 sense. They stay on th' stage till 
 ther a hundred years ole. 
 
 Th' funny thing about a new trim- 
 mer comin' t' town is thet th' com- 
 motion is alius 'mongst th' boys. 
 When a feller thet hez hed th' ad- 
 vantages o' travel can't tell you 
 about anything but th' "best hut- 
 tels," it hain't done him much good. 
 
 48
 
 Abe martin 
 
 Owin' t' th' increased cost o' livin' 
 they've changed th' rates down et th' 
 tavern — a quarter et th' plain table 
 an' thirty-five cents et th' table with 
 th' jelly roll on. Some drummer 
 from Indynoplus wuz here yisterday, 
 an' he says thet they're goin' t' 
 change th' name o' Illinois Street t' 
 Clairvoyant Avenue. 
 
 Hiram Turner wuz round Friday 
 showin' th' boys a' artificial fifty- 
 cent piece thet he got ketched on. It 
 looks like th' ortomobile wuz goin' 
 t' do 'way with hoss sense ez well ez 
 th' hoss. 
 
 Th' cost o' livin' hain't so much et 
 fifty cents a bottle if you jist foller 
 th' directions. Many a feller gits 
 credit fer bein' eccentric when he ort 
 t' be in a padded cell. 
 
 There's one good thing 'bout them 
 blamed four-room flats, an' thet is 
 your relatives can't "remain over." 
 Some girls er bom with big feet an' 
 others wear white shoes. 
 
 49
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Elmer Pate, o' Michigan City, is 
 here, an' hez orgernized a dancin' 
 class an' teaches th' lock step. Th' 
 Angola capitalists who were t' per- 
 duce Mr. Alex Tansey's drammer, 
 "Th' Butcher's Bride," hev aban- 
 doned th' project, an' Mr. Tansey is 
 puttin' all his energy int' a new 
 problem play called "Th' Runaway 
 Hearse." 
 
 50
 
 ""w;fW'""'
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A prize-fighter kin "know th' 
 ropes" an' still git his head knocked 
 off. Marion Wilder went up t' Indy- 
 noplus Sunday an' got his tongue 
 fastened in a beer bottle on Pearl 
 Street. 
 
 Th' must exactin' critic thet goes 
 t' th' the-ater is th' feller thet gits in 
 on a billboard ticket an' chews ter- 
 baccer on th' lower floor. Th' child 
 thet's preached t' all week long an' 
 then sent t' Sunday-school with a 
 punched nickle soon gits wise. 
 
 Tipton Bud says thet if ther's one 
 thing more'n another thet ort t' cause 
 a public official t' do his duty it's th' 
 inducements offered by th' lecture 
 platform. Yaller journalism is bad 
 enough, but a yaller cucumber is th' 
 limit. 
 
 Aunt Tilda Myers*8 funeral wuz 
 pustponed two times last week on 
 account o' interferin' with card 
 clubs. Who ever seen a "large an' 
 intelligent" audience ? 
 
 53
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Tilford Moots' boy, Elmer, threw 
 a fit in th' court-house yard yister- 
 day, an' when he come to he passed 
 his hat 'mongst th' crowd thet stood 
 watchin' him. It's all right t' hev a 
 wife thet's a good manager, but it 
 goes purty hard t' hev t' wear th' 
 same overcoat seven winters. 
 
 Constable Newt Plum got off one 
 t'day in his perculiar quiet style o' 
 pitchin' thet hed more truth 'n poe- 
 tree in it. He said thet when times 
 git so blamed good in this country 
 thet a feller can't put a new roof on 
 his kitchen it's time fer a panic. I 
 wonder if Christmus se-gars make so 
 many folks swear off smokin' on 
 New Year's day? 
 
 Tilford Moots says you kin alius 
 tell when one o' them campaign 
 specials gits down near Evansville, 
 fer some feller with a broad-rimmed 
 hat an' a bottle o' whisky gits on th' 
 train. Most o' th' Indianny hut-tels 
 hev two rates — two dollars a day er 
 three dollars a week. 
 
 54
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 While Pinky Kerr wuz watchin' 
 th' circus perade up et Indynoplus, 
 Monday, some one hooked his watch 
 an* run through th' crowd. Pinky 
 says he called t' him, but th' band 
 wuz playin' an' th' feller didn't hear 
 him. Ole Niles Turner swears thet 
 he seen an adult drinkin' sody water 
 down et Bloomington Saturday. 
 
 Did you ever notice thet th' girl 
 thet says "don't you" instead o' 
 "don't chew" says et fer eat? Most 
 o' th' articles you read in th' news- 
 papers signed by "constant reader" 
 sound like th' writer didn't know 
 enough t' read. 
 
 No matter how blamed careful a 
 feller is o' his pussonal appearance, 
 he can't keep egg off his chin. Some 
 fellers git credit fer bein' affable an' 
 generous when they've only been 
 drinkin'. 
 
 Too many women's clubs spoil th' 
 broth. Tipton Bud is diggin' a well. 
 Tip is fond o' water — afterwards. 
 
 55
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Some well-dressed stranger was 
 in th' neighborhood yisterday gittin' 
 signers fer th' San Jose scale. Th' 
 feller thet throws a good straw hat 
 away th' fust o' September an' puts 
 on a stiff hat thet hez been worn fer 
 three years — but no matter. 
 
 Tipton Bud says he spent seven 
 hours "between trains" et Evansville 
 Friday. O' course he took a big 
 chance o' gittin' killed by th' cars, 
 but he didn't miss much by not goin' 
 up town. You can't lay off Labor 
 Day unless you're a workin' man. 
 
 Women must be awful glad t' git 
 home an' git ther shoes off. You 
 dun't hev t' put "excuse spellin' " on 
 your letters any more. 
 
 56
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Food fer thought seems t' be th' 
 only cheap commodity on th* mar- 
 ket. Mr. Alex Tansey is et work on 
 a new bill t' be presented t' th' next 
 Legislature makin' it a misnomer t' 
 attend a the-ater wearin' goat furs 
 an' musk. 
 
 Th' feller thet hez "loved an' lost" 
 ought t' hev lots o' money saved up. 
 Lem Crevison is travelin' with a cir- 
 cus out in Missoury, an' Niles Tur- 
 ner says he hain't a blamed bit sur- 
 prised, ez Lem used t' jump over 
 ever' gate he come t' an' would steal 
 anything. 
 
 Some folks think thet th' only 
 time they ever hev t' 'pologize is 
 when you ketch 'em et th' circus. 
 It's gittin' so nobuddy but printers 
 an' telegraph operators chaw ter- 
 backer. 
 
 Th' lid is on et th' pust-offis. You 
 kin git stamps, but no licker. I'd jist 
 ez leave eat a padlock ez one o' them 
 hand-me-down doughnuts. 
 
 57
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 If a feller kin git up on th* Sol- 
 diers' Monument et Indynoplus an' 
 take a pair o' strong glasses an' see 
 Cambridge City, what could he see 
 with a quart? Elgin Tyler hez been 
 monkeyin' with correspondence 
 schools fer two er three years, an' 
 now when he wunts money he jist 
 writes home fer it. 
 
 Ike Soles, who hez been janitor 
 o' th' Roundhead (Ohio) Gazette- 
 Bugle-Herald, robbed th' ofhce 
 waste basket last week an' started 
 another paper. A feller will flare up 
 in a minute when he's accused o' 
 doin' somethin' he didn't do an' 
 smile from ear t' ear when praised 
 fer somethin' he couldn't do. 
 
 Between sharps an' flats it costs 
 like blazes t' live in a city. Returnin' 
 t' th' chorus girl home project, 
 young Lafe Bud, who hez been up 
 et Indynoplus fer weeks et a time 
 durin' th' winter, says th' under- 
 takin' would percipitate th' question 
 o' a canteen. 
 
 58
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 After thet new "flat iron" buildin' 
 up et Indynoplus gits full o' tailors, 
 th* dudes ort t' git ther clothes 
 pressed purty cheap. A druggist is 
 alius tickled t' death t' see th' feller 
 thet buys ten cents' worth o' stamps 
 jist t' use th' 'phone. 
 
 Young Lafe Bud went up t' Indy- 
 noplus Wednesday t' git a fall suit, 
 an' come home with a red vest. He 
 says everything is a blank after he 
 stepped int' th' store. When it comes 
 t' knowledge, th' feller thet builds a 
 house finds out things a Harvard 
 graduate never heerd of. 
 
 Ez Pash, th' blamed ole dunce, 
 says he hez a brother thet's half In- 
 dian. By ginger, whenever you see 
 a dude with a double watch chain 
 you kin bet thet ther's a lookin' glass 
 on one end o' it. 
 
 It*s cheaper t' move than t' stand 
 fer three-cent wall paper. No feller 
 ever thinks thet any man is good 
 enough fer his sister. 
 
 59
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 While th' price o' ever'thing you 
 eat these days is fluctuating Hke 
 Uncle Ez Pash's Adam's apple, th' 
 ole reliable prune remains one price 
 t' all. I'm gittin' purty well up in 
 years, but, by ginger, I can't remem- 
 ber o' ever hearin' a good word fer 
 th' United States Senate. 
 
 60
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 It seems like a person is disquali- 
 fied fer all future usefulness after 
 they once make a hit on th' amateur 
 stage. Mr. Alex Tansey, our school 
 teacher, says thet a pipe should 
 never be brought int' th' house after 
 it hez once been smoked. 
 
 Th' bad thing 'bout Roosyfel's 
 perposed uniform devorce law is thet 
 it would be hard on folks thet wunt 
 devorces an' hain't able t' buy uni- 
 forms. Professor Alex Tansey hez 
 arranged his trip t' Niaggary Falls 
 so he'll go through Greensburg in th' 
 daytime. He dun't want t' miss any- 
 thing. 
 
 I read wher th' LeClair Twin Sis- 
 ters in "Little Goldie" packed th' 
 Grand Army Hall et Roundhead, 
 Ohio, fer two nights this week, I 
 wish something good would come 
 here. I'll bet them ther' ole three- 
 legged delivery wagon bosses up et 
 Indynoplus wishes thet men did all 
 th' shoppin'. Jist think o' gallopin' 
 three miles with a bunch o' parsley. 
 
 63
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Pinky Kerr is writin' some calli- 
 ope music, an' th' notes er ez big ez 
 walnuts. Th' blessings o' this life er 
 purty evenly divided. In th' winter 
 th' rich folks git t' go t' all th' the- 
 aters, an' in th' summer th' poor 
 folks git t' see all th' circus perades. 
 
 Tilford Moots hits th' nail purty 
 fairly on th' head when he says thet 
 th' Democratic party hed better cut 
 out its educational features an' git 
 down t' business. A "boy" pianist 
 never puts on long pants till he's 
 forty years old. 
 
 Th' trouble with chewin' terback- 
 er is thet you've got t' keep your 
 mouth shut lots o' times under exas- 
 peratin' circumstances. O' all th' un- 
 bearable nuisances th' ignoramus 
 thet hez traveled is th' wust. 
 
 A feller kin fail at ever'thing else 
 an' still be a good pool player. Seems 
 like th' feller thet wins two er three 
 dollars playin' cards never wunts t* 
 work fer a salary ag'in. 
 
 64
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A blamed fool dentist '11 fill your 
 mouth full o' rubber an' strings an' 
 things an' then perceed t' ask you 
 a thousan' questions. Elsie Plank 
 asked young Lafe Bud if he an' his 
 wife kept a hired girl an* Lafe said, 
 "No, you can't keep 'em." 
 
 Th' katydids will soon be gone, 
 but th' Indianny Legislature will 
 meet before a great while. Some 
 fellers er so close thet they stay on 
 a street car t' th' end o' th' line, no 
 matter where they wunt t' go. 
 
 Th' country boy thet plows all day 
 hez got th' feller thet dun't know 
 what t' do with himself beat a mile. 
 Th' fust thing thet a fool does when 
 he gits in a railroad car is t' open a 
 window. 
 
 You can't fool all th' people all th' 
 time, but you kin fool enough o' 
 them all th' time t' huld your head 
 up in society. What hez become o' 
 th' ole feller thet used t' light his 
 pipe with a coal o' fire? 
 
 65
 
 ABE 
 
 MARTIN 
 
 Did you ever go t' th' the-ater 
 with th' feller that jabs you in th' 
 ribs every time th' comedian says 
 somethin' funny? Young Lafe Bud 
 is travelin' fer a washin' machine, an' 
 makes all th' tall grass towns an' 
 carries a sickle. 
 
 It looks now like Hiram Meadows 
 would git th' pust-offis. He's alius 
 been purty prominent — constable 
 durin' th' week o' th' fair last fall, an' 
 a pall-bearer a year er so ago. Even 
 an English sparrow knows enough t' 
 build a home before he gits married.
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th* store-keepers hev got you 
 sized up. If yer know jist what you 
 wunt you're a crank, an' if you dun't 
 know jist what you wunt you're an 
 easy mark. Seems like a woman 
 would rather pay eighty-nine cents 
 fur somethin' than seventy-five. 
 
 Pinky Kerr says thet young Lafe 
 Bud is "on th' hummer" up et Indy- 
 noplus. I dun't know whether thet's 
 some newspaper er what it is. No- 
 buddy ever becomes so intelligent 
 thet he can't be scared by a fake 
 doctor. 
 
 Newt Plum traded fer a* organ 
 yisterday. He says thet his dorter, 
 Pet, shall hev all th' advantages o' 
 a city gal. Th' Uncle Tom's troupe 
 thet wuz in Rushville last week hez 
 "gone t' th' dogs." 
 
 Some fellers er jist naturally intel- 
 ligent an' others hev long, flowin' 
 whiskers. You never kin tell how 
 many folks go t' th' the-ater till you 
 try t* spring somethin' eriginal. 
 
 67
 
 ABE MARTIM 
 
 Gettysburg Johnson says he paid 
 $175,000 in Confederate money fer 
 a ham durin' th' Civil War, an' wuz 
 glad t' git it et thet price. Newt 
 Plum told Ez Pash thet th' czar hed 
 resigned an' Ez replied: "I hope 
 RoGsyfel dun't appoint a mugwump 
 in his place." 
 
 By ginger, one blamed good thing 
 'bout bein' poor is thet you'll never 
 git killed in a ortermobile smash-up. 
 Miss Fawn Lippincut took a drink 
 o' patent medicine yisterday with 
 suicidal intent. 
 
 Madam Neuralgi, a pammist, is 
 stoppin' et th' Palace Hut-tel. Pinky 
 Kerr says thet th' trouble with roller 
 skatin' is thet th' moon never goes 
 behind a cloud an' th' girls' hands 
 dun't git cold. 
 
 There goes ole Ez Pash. By gin- 
 ger, he's a old timer. He kin remem- 
 ber when it wuz all right t' be a 
 Dimmycrat. Th' best fire-escape fer 
 a thc-ater is a bum show. 
 
 68
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' Embryo Dramatic Troupe, o* 
 Bedford, Indianny, played "Richard 
 th' Third" et Mitchell last week, an' 
 killed Richard in th' fust act so thet 
 they could git a early train out o' 
 town. They expect t' open th' new 
 grain elevator et Shoals next Satur- 
 day. Tipton Bud missed his car up 
 et Indynoplus last Saturday. He 
 thought it left thirty minutes before 
 th' hour, instead o' thirty minutes 
 after th' hour. 
 
 Poor ole hen-pecked Milt White- 
 hill died o' lard on th' heart up et 
 Mulberry Junction Tuesday. I asked 
 Al Johnson what his last words wuz, 
 an' he said, "He didn't hev none, his 
 wife wuz with him." Married men 
 work longer than single men. 
 
 Newt Plum's married dorter up 
 et Indynoplus is savin' up t' get a 
 spring chicken. Friday wuz Tipton 
 Bud's birthday annyversity, an' his 
 wife gave him a straight-handled 
 umbrella so he wouldn't leave it 
 hangin' on some bar. 
 
 69
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' average young man makes his 
 fust spurt et economy by smokin' 
 stogies fer eight er ten days after his 
 marriage. This is th' fust time I've 
 hed this plug hat on since I thought 
 Tilden wuz elected. 
 
 70
 
 n^
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Pinky Kerr kin hardly talk 'bove 
 a whisper t'day. He says he wuz 
 out with some pollerticians yister- 
 day an' hurt his voice sayin' "gimme 
 th' same." A feller kin be a knocker 
 an' still not "keer a rap" 'bout 
 things. 
 
 "Shirk" Johnson sez his family is 
 all well an' happy 'cept Myrtle, an' 
 she's in Urbana, Ohio. Who in th' 
 thunder ever heerd o' any other kind 
 o' a girl but a strikin'ly beautiful one 
 committin' sueycide? 
 
 Ther' seems t' be a blamed sight 
 o' "Conn" mixed up in these travel- 
 in' bands. In lookin' over th' de- 
 vorce docket up et Indynoplus I 
 noticed a number o' "flat failures." 
 
 Young Lafe Bud says 'bout th' 
 only difference he sees in Indianny 
 hut-tels is in th' color o' th' ice- 
 cream. I'll be gosh-dinged if it 
 wouldn't look funny t' see some 
 feller o' ordinary means runnin' fer 
 state treasurer. 
 
 73
 
 ABE 
 
 MARTIN 
 
 Doc Osier, o' Hopkins' University, 
 kicked up a hornets' nest among th' 
 "old scouts" when he said a feller 
 ort ter be chloroformed et th' age o' 
 forty. Ther wuz a circus in Laff'yet 
 'tother day, an' so blamed many per- 
 lice an' marshals went in on ther 
 badges thet th' manager wuz jist 
 'bout t' put in more seats when th' 
 perlice department run out o' tin. 
 
 Pinky Kerr says thet th' reason he 
 dun't git married is becuz he dun't 
 want t' be worried t' death by life 
 insurance agents. Some folks think 
 thet they're blase jist ez soon ez they 
 see Niaggary Falls. 
 
 •— •'^''IW^J V 
 
 74
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I reckon thet blamed anti-rebate 
 bill is mighty unpopular with th' 
 fishermen. Ever' time a feller speaks 
 o' his salary he adds five er ten t' it. 
 
 Speakin' o' th' weather, ole Ez 
 Pash says thet ther' is a ole sayin' 
 thet if a village sport stands out 
 in front o' a "fifteen-ball pool" room 
 durin' February he'll set by a fire in 
 March. Tilford Moots hez got th' 
 hippo. He thinks he can't work. 
 
 Miss Pearline Smith wuz voted th' 
 queen o' th' carnival at Roundhead, 
 Ohio, an' her picture wuz in one o' 
 th' Sunday papers. If her nose keeps 
 on a-growin' it will hit her on th' 
 back. Life's t' short t' monkey with 
 uncut magazines. 
 
 From all I kin understand, 'bout 
 th' hardest thing t' do next t' stand- 
 in' on your ear is t' publish a Dim- 
 mycratic paper in a Republican 
 town. Speakin' o' th' "beef trust," 
 jist think o' th' trust you place in th' 
 feller thet sells you "real" calf's liver. 
 
 75
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' most familiar o' all th* ole 
 masters is Simon Legree. Th' fre- 
 quent changes in Roosyfel's official 
 family must make th' cabinet pho- 
 tergraf business good down et 
 Warshington, D. C. 
 
 When a young feller can't think o' 
 nothin' but ham an' eggs when he 
 goes t' a resturint it's time he wuz 
 gittin' married. I wonder who'll be 
 th' next lucky private banker t' git 
 off with a few months. 
 
 Young Lafe Bud is jist like a rat- 
 tlesnake. He wears rubber heels an' 
 th' only warnin' you git o' his bein' 
 around is th' rattle o' his celluloid 
 cuffs. Th' feller thet drinks et home 
 hain't foolin' no one but hisself. 
 
 I meet old-time Dimmycrats ever' 
 once in a while, but I'll be blamed 
 if I ever meet any new ones. Aaron 
 Hale's big lazy hunk o' a boy is t* 
 proud an' stuck up t' stay on th* 
 farm, so they've sent him t' agger- 
 cultural college. 
 
 76
 
 ABE MAR'flN 
 
 I reckon they'll adulterate cotton- 
 seed oil next. Mr. Alex Tansey is a 
 bright feller. He understands a life 
 insurance policy. 
 
 Pinky Kerr wuz down t' Vin- 
 cennes yisterday t' hear Bryan, an' 
 he says he looks fine. Well, what's 
 t' prevent? When a feller gits too 
 fat t' eat in a dinin' car he ort t* 
 walk. 
 
 Th' principal trouble 'bout marry- 
 in* a girl with money is thet her 
 father is liable t' worry hisself t' 
 death wonderin' how you er goin' t' 
 spend it. A bird on th' hat is worth 
 ten in th' pocket. 
 
 Ther* wuz a great discussion up 
 et th' pust-offis this mornin' about 
 who wuz secretary o' state under 
 George Washington. Ole Ez Pash 
 said it wuz Tony Pastor an' Newt 
 Plum swore up an' down it wuz 
 Uncle Joe Cannon. One good thing 
 about magazine pictures is thet they 
 kin be used fer 'most any story. 
 
 77
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 After thet anti-pass law goes int' 
 effect you'll alius find th' editor in. 
 Ther' hain't enough Dimmycrats in 
 Ohio t' move a pi-anner. 
 
 When a woman gits a dress made 
 th' tailor alius measures her husband 
 fust. Ole Niles Turner says thet he 
 wuz in th' poorhouse three years un- 
 der Cleveland. He hez come out flat-j 
 footed fer Bryan. 
 
 Newt Plum's son-in-law says thet 
 he never saved a blamed cent until 
 after his wife hed quarreled with 
 ever' dressmaker in town. My idea 
 o' an old-fashioned Dimmycrat is 
 one thet never goes no place where 
 he can't wear a plaid sack suit. 
 
 Ther' hain't nothin' in Ringling's 
 circus ez rare ez Colonel Stegg, o' 
 Limesdale. He's th' only livin' Dim- 
 mycratic pust-master in th' world 
 an' probably th' last. Constable 
 Newt Plum sez thet folks thet live 
 in glass houses tlirow no bo'quets — 
 unless you pay fer 'em. 
 
 78
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Tipton Bud lost three fingers yis- 
 terday. A feller asked him t' hev a 
 drink, but his wife wuz with him. 
 It's purty hard t' "keep up t' th' 
 Standard" these days. 
 
 After ever'buddy else gits paid in 
 full th' family doctor gits a dollar 
 on account. It now develops thet th' 
 West Liberty (Ohio) boy thet shot 
 his father an' cut his mother's nose 
 off an' burned th' house hed been 
 readin' a Sunday newspaper. 
 
 Miss Fawn Lippincut's uncle took 
 her over t' Morgantown this mornin' 
 in his new ten-candlepov\^er ortomo- 
 bile an' she bought one o' them new- 
 style lingerin' waists. Laugh an' th' 
 world laughs with you, weep an' it'll 
 buy your papers. 
 
 Tipton Bud's niece died from 
 a successful operation yisterday. 
 Peck's Bad Boy delighted two large 
 houses et Logansport th' other day 
 an' yet we say thet th' world is git- 
 tin' better. 
 
 79
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A good deal o' anxiety is felt fer 
 Alex Tansey's safety. Yisterday 
 evenin' he started t' visit his aunt up 
 et Angola, an' up t' noon t'day not 
 one single souvenir pustal card hez 
 been received from him. By ginger, 
 yer never see no wax flowers with a 
 glass globe over 'em settin' on th' 
 "what-not" like yer used t' years 
 ago. 
 
 80
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Alonzo Moon, who hez been read- 
 in' law in 'Squire Smoot's office at 
 Shoals, is goin' t' practise economy 
 et Seymour this winter. By ginger, 
 they've got twins over et Hale Tur- 
 ner's house, an' Hale is layin' off et 
 th' saw-mill, an' doin' a day an' night 
 shift et hum. 
 
 Some fellers er pokey an* some 
 er on th' dot, but we rarely find one 
 thet is pokey dot. It's purty hard 
 t' save anything these days openly 
 an' above "board." 
 
 With peaches sellin' et th' prices 
 they are a woman must hev a lot t' 
 put up with. All is not gold thet 
 glitters an' some red noses er caused 
 by indigestion. 
 
 Ther' er still two or three hut-tels 
 in Indianny thet put toothpicks on 
 th' dinner-table. Arson Smith is 
 runnin' th' traction engine fer Til- 
 ford Moots durin' th' threshin' sea- 
 son. He carries a dollar watch an* 
 knows all 'bout machinery. 
 
 83
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Waldo Blayney says ther's many 
 /a feller owns a steamer trunk thet 
 never seen th' Wabash. Th' blame 
 fool sheriff et Bloomcenter, Ohio, 
 let all th' prisners out o' jail t' see a 
 circus last Monday an' told 'em if 
 they wasn't back by ten o'clock 
 they'd hev t' sleep on th' jail steps. 
 
 Newt Plum's married dorter up 
 et Indynoplus, thet bit her tongue 
 off tryin' t' climb in one o' them 
 new summer cars, is gittin' along 
 fine, an' Thursday she wuz able t' 
 walk down-town an' exchange a can- 
 teloupe. Ferdinand, Dubois County, 
 Indianny, is a picturesque place, th' 
 inhabitants bein' all Dimmycrats. 
 
 84
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' only time a woman ever tells 
 her right age is when she fust starts 
 t' school. Pinky Kerr says th' 
 Watch on Rhein must 'a' been Ger- 
 man silver. 
 
 Pinky Kerr says thet people who 
 live in glass houses should stone no 
 cherries. Th' feller with th' cellu- 
 loid collar an' his friend er soon 
 parted. 
 
 Ole Ez Pash's mem'ry goes back 
 t' th' time o' Queen Anne. He says 
 he kin remember when termatoes 
 wuz poison. I wuz over t' Stop 5 
 yisterday. It's quite a town an hez 
 a trolley pole an' seven English spar- 
 rows. 
 
 Even if th' feller thet gits talked 
 int' buyin' some minin' stock should 
 lose everything, his dreams an' en- 
 thusiasm fer th' fust few weeks er 
 well worth th' cost. Ther' hain't no 
 advantage in bein' dressed up-t'-date 
 if you've got t' keep on th' back 
 streets. 
 
 85
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ther's jist one chance fer an 
 ugly girl — amiability. This is th' 
 week o' th' Johnson County fair et 
 Franklin. Tight shoes an' starch. 
 
 A drummer asked ole Ez Pash if 
 he got t' see th' St. Louis fair an' 
 Ez says, "Yes, I went on Thursday." 
 Ther'seems t' be a few states left in 
 th' Union where th' Dimmycratic 
 party is not split up. Git th' ax. 
 
 Pinky Kerr wuz remarkin' et th' 
 pust-offis yisterday thet th' feller 
 with a red nose an' dyed mustache 
 alius wears a light hat. Some fel- 
 lers hustle along an' manage t' make 
 both ends meet an' others wear em- 
 blurmatic pins an' watch charms. 
 
 Ole Ez Pash says thet th* feller 
 thet kin make enough money on 
 th' lecture platform in a few years 
 t' buy all th' railroads wouldn't suit 
 him fer president. Miss Fawn Lip- 
 pincut hez th' emotional insanity an' 
 Alex Tansey is talkin' 'bout starrin' 
 her in "East Lynne." 
 
 86
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I wonder if women spoil ortomo- 
 biles jist like they do horses? Ta- 
 bitha Plum run her peek-a-boo waist 
 through th' pi-an-oley last week an', 
 by ginger, it played a medley. 
 
 Figures dun't lie but you kin 
 group 'em so they'll answer th' 
 same purpose. The Civic Pride Club 
 o' Carmel, Indianny, is after th' citi- 
 zens thet eat olives with nut-crack- 
 ers. 
 
 Tilford Moots wuz over t' th' 
 Henryville poor farm th' other day 
 t' see an ole friend o' his thet used 
 t' publish a newspaper thet pleased 
 ever'buddy. Poor ole Ez Pash 
 walked all th* way t' th' Franklin 
 fair th' day o' th' "free-fer-all" pace 
 cuz he thought he'd git in fer 
 nothin*. 
 
 It's almost suicide fer a pug-nosed 
 girl t' put spectacles on. A restur- 
 int waiter alius lays your check on 
 th' table upside down so you won't 
 choak t' death. 
 
 87
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A cannydate fer office needs some- 
 thin' else besides a long memory 
 an' a box o' five-cent se-gars these 
 days. Ther numberin' th' houses 
 over et Seymour so poor people kin 
 find a home. 
 
 Some o' th' girls up et Indynoplus 
 hev such small waists thet they 
 must live on spig-gety. Never let 
 your children know thet you were 
 young once yourself. 
 
 Farmers go t' th* "hay" purty 
 early. You kin alius tell a feller 
 thet's satisfied with hisself by th' 
 way he passes th' show windows. 
 
 88
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 The carpenters an' joiners out t' 
 San Francisco er gittin' along fine. 
 Th' carpenters hev all th' work they 
 kin do an' th' lodges look after th* 
 joiners. Young Lafe Bud tried t* 
 git on a trunk line et Mitchell yister- 
 day with a suit-case an' a brakeman 
 put him off. 
 
 Did you ever hev a feller thet hed 
 never been out o' town tell you thet 
 you'd "missed th' treat o' your life" 
 'cuz you stayed away from a ten-cent 
 lecture? Th' feller thet "kin quote 
 anything" hezn't necessarily got any 
 more sense than a parrot. 
 
 Seems like ever' feller thet makes 
 a success o' anything never knowed 
 nuthin' when he went t' school. I 
 reckon ole Ez Pash will stick t' his 
 winter underwear ag'in this summer. 
 
 What good house-painters those 
 ther' porch-climbers would make if 
 they'd only settle down. Miss Fawn 
 Lippincut says thet th* time t' eat 
 onions is et midnight. 
 
 89
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ole Ez Pash is th' blamedest fel- 
 ler t' be a-blowin' off all th' time 
 'bout his army record. By ginger, 
 he played a yaller clarynet in th' 
 band et Johnson's Island, Lake Erie, 
 durin' th' war an' wuz never south 
 o' th' Smith an' Wesson line. I seen 
 Elwell Miller smokin' a regular five- 
 cent se-gar Saturday night. Well, he 
 makes his money easy — plowin'. 
 
 90
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I walked round th' State House 
 up et Indynoplus t'other day an' I 
 jist thought thet Guv'nor Hanly 
 must go broke payin' his dog tax. 
 A feller will git talked int' buyin' a 
 suit o' clothes made o' cotton an* 
 wood fiber an' then turn his nose up 
 et hypnotism. 
 
 Uncle Ez Pash says that ther' wuz 
 quite a racket over et Columbus Sat- 
 urday night 'bout a game o' pool an' 
 thet when Mert Sanders went t' look 
 fer th' constable, Pinky Kerr wuz 
 shot in th' interim. By ginger, I 
 dun't see how he kin git well. Th* 
 pust-offis smells like a wet hen on 
 rainy days. 
 
 Tipton Bud asked Ole Niles Tur- 
 ■ ner if a watch would run jist ez 
 well hangin' up ez it would in your 
 pocket, an' Ole Niles said, "Thet de- 
 pends on whether your Uncle winds 
 it er not." Th' trouble with this 
 Christian Science business is thet 
 you've got t' keep whistlin' all th' 
 time. 
 
 93
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Onions keep off th' grip— o' your 
 friends. Nice overhead t'day but no 
 one's goin' thet way. 
 
 Th* county commissioners er hev- 
 in' a conference with th' American 
 Painless Bridge Company t'day. 
 Miss Tawney Apple an' Miss Fawn 
 Lippincut bought some "lissly" 
 stockin's Saturday. 
 
 Some new-married couple hez 
 moved next t' Tapley Bray's home. 
 Tap says his wife is a goin' t' call 
 on 'em jist ez soon ez she sees 'em 
 go out. Th' feller thet wears eye- 
 glasses kin booze around all night 
 an' look like he'd wrote a history o' 
 th' world th' next mornin'. 
 
 A full-front photergraf o' a feller 
 alius makes him look like he'd mur- 
 dered a whole family an' then 
 burned th' house. Th' only thing o' 
 real deep-seated interest thet ever 
 happens in Jonesville is when some 
 one drops along an' covers th' livery 
 stable with circus bills. 
 
 94
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' reason so many people come 
 home "flat" is because travel broad- 
 ens. Th' newspapers hev been so 
 full o' th' Thaw murder case th' 
 past few weeks thet it'll be purty 
 hard t' git a jury — unless they find 
 it et Evansville. 
 
 Tipton Bud says his idea o' a ideal 
 wife is one thet says she'd like t' 
 hev this er thet but hates t' ask her 
 husband fer it. Th' Jungle will soon 
 be drammertized an' on th' road 
 "packin' houses." 
 
 Th' woman who spends her whole 
 life et home an' raises a flock o' un- 
 grateful children is called a "home- 
 buddy," an' when she dies she gits 
 good press notices. People who 
 flock t'gether er busy these days 
 layin' in ther winter supply o' 
 feather boas. 
 
 After all, a Dimmycrat with a 
 trade is not so bad off these days. 
 Th' feller thet shaves hisself is a 
 close shaver. 
 
 95
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Seems like ther's twice ez many 
 marriages nowerdays when th* 
 newspapers print half-tone pictures 
 so well. Germans an' ostriches seem 
 t' be able t' digest anything. 
 
 Tipton Bud hez received a pustal 
 card from his wife sayin' thet she 
 bed arrived in Urbana, Ohio, safe 
 an' sane. Miss Tawney Apple, one 
 o' Alex Tansey's scholars et school, 
 wrote this, an' she's only nineteen 
 years old: 
 
 Oh ! Oh ! th* snow, th' snow, 
 
 After all o' this delayin' 
 The ground is covered with you now 
 
 An' we'll go a-sleighin'. 
 
 She is finishin' up another batch 
 t' be called "When th' Spout is 
 Filled wth Ice." 
 
 96
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 A feller in ordinary circumstances 
 died o' 'pendicitus et Shoals 'tother 
 day. The ole sayin' "the selection o' 
 wall-paper makes strange bed-fel- 
 lows" is put' nigh right. 
 
 A feller kin be a model husband 
 without surrenderin' his right t' se- 
 lect his own socks. Th' mere men- 
 tion o' Bryan's name still continues 
 t' cause uproarious applause down 
 our way. 
 
 All I ever got out o' pollytics wuz 
 a package o' punkin seeds thet 
 didn't come up. Uncle Ez Pash says 
 he's got a niece et Bloom Center, 
 Ohio, thet's so blamed good-lookin' 
 thet th' resturints stay open till mid- 
 night. 
 
 Ther' hain't no fun in goin' out 
 o' town on a vacation trip if you've 
 got t' keep figurin' all th' time. Miss 
 Fawn Lippincut says thet when 
 she's invited t' a party she alius gits 
 ther' fust so thet th' other guests 
 can't talk 'bout her. 
 
 97
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 When it comes t' a devorce ther's 
 alius three sides t' th' story — th' 
 husband's, his wife's an' her moth- 
 er's. You kin alius bet thet th' fel- 
 ler thet cuts down expenses by stop- 
 pin* his newspaper smokes an' 
 chews. 
 
 Newt Plum's oldest girl is with 
 a opery troupe an' plays a pheasant. 
 She gits ten dollars a week, rides in 
 a day coach an' hez changed her 
 name t' Fanchon Gazelle. Elder 
 Berry an' wife hev gone to Wapa- 
 koneta, Ohio, t' live with ther son, 
 Stephen. Aunty Berry will be great- 
 ly missed ez we hev no newspaper 
 here. 
 
 I guess from what I hear thet 
 most o' th' school-teachers git 'bout 
 three months' vacation ever' year so 
 thet they kin earn some clothes t' 
 wear while they teach. Them 
 blamed "silence an' fun" matches 
 hev jist struck this localitee. They 
 smell like a combernation o' th' ole 
 sulphur match an' a hoss bumin' up. 
 
 98
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ther's a constable named Gourd- 
 seed livin' in Orange County an' yet 
 some people say meller-drammers 
 er overdrawn. Next t' a rich country 
 editor th' most unusual thing in th' 
 world is a German tramp. 
 
 Ez Pash is the durndest meanest 
 ole cuss; Alex Tansey wuz com- 
 plainin' o' them medical examina- 
 tions up et th' State House an' Ez 
 says, "They ort t' make 'em so hard 
 they'd be prohibitive." It's cheaper 
 to pay rent than move unless you've 
 got rubber furniture. 
 
 I dun't see where Alex Tansey 
 gits his insperation. He dun't drink. 
 When a father says, "Well, I guess 
 I'll make a lawyer out o' Jimmy," 
 he probably means all right. 
 
 I dun't see why hut-tels an' res- 
 turints wunt t' mix cement with any- 
 thing ez cheap ez buckwheat is. 
 Ther' never used t' be near so many 
 women on th' street before we hed 
 French plate show windows. 
 
 99
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ashby Perkins says it's no use t* 
 try t' carry out a color scheme in a 
 flat thet won't stand fer anything 
 better than three-cent wall-paper. 
 I asked Ez Pash who th' fust pio- 
 neer around Nashville wuz, an' he 
 says: "I dun't know who th' fust 
 pioneer wuz, but Plum's folks hed 
 th' fust organ." 
 
 100
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' average legislator will "beat 
 th' trucks" before he'll pay railroad . 
 fare. Old ladies must have a fine 
 time — knit. 
 
 Ther's one thing you'll never be 
 able t* git in a city with all its 
 blamed advantages, an' thet is "a 
 good, ole country dinner." Jist 'bout 
 th' time they begun t' impale a jury 
 fer Al Thomas th' jedge granted 
 him a change o' menu. 
 
 Pinky Kerr says thet there is fel- 
 lers thet kin tell you all about th' 
 baseball games et Chicago thet dun't 
 know who Garfield wuz. If I went 
 int' Roosyfel's Cabinet I'd hev to* 
 hev a contract. 
 
 Them ther' souvenir cards er great 
 things fer folks thet dun't know 
 how t' write what they see. I got a 
 letter from Rushville sayin' thet 
 ther wuz a Uncle Tom's Cabin 
 troupe up ther' last week an' thet th' 
 dogs were good, but thet they hed 
 poor support. 
 
 103
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Pinky Kerr says thet th' way t' 
 beat street-cars is t' git on th' hind 
 end o' one thet's crowded an' then 
 dun't change your expression. Ewin' 
 Grimes wuz circulatin' 'mongst his 
 ole friends here yisterday an' th' 
 clothes he got married in look ez 
 good ez they did nine years ago. 
 
 Tilden Moon hez a niece, Miss 
 Fawn Lippincut, thet's a comer in 
 th' literary world if she jist keeps 
 her health. Here's a little thing she 
 wrote yisterday in less than a hour: 
 
 Oh, th' purty little birds ! 
 
 How I love t' hear them sing, 
 Ez they flit from tree t' tree — 
 Let me count them, one, two, three ! 
 Some er red an' some er blue, 
 But th' red er very few. 
 
 A farmer alius gits off a street-car 
 a block too soon. 
 
 Professor Clem Harner says a 
 "pervericator" is a tailor. Who ever 
 heard o' a bank cashier that could 
 hit anything with a pistol? 
 
 104
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Newt Plum's married dorter up 
 et Indynoplus says she bought a 
 spring chicken et "catch weights" 
 Monday. You never heerd much 
 complainin' 'bout eyesight in th' ole 
 days when a feller paid a quarter 
 fer a pair o' steel-rimmed spectacles 
 an' picked 'em out himself. 
 
 Alex Tansey lost his Phi-Delta- 
 Phila-ma-delphia class pin some- 
 wheres between the school-house an' 
 th' pust-offis Monday. Tipton Bud's 
 boy, Francis, is one o' them peaked- 
 headed chaps thet's alius takin' ther 
 hat off. 
 
 Ther' hain't been no quorum 
 down et th' grocery since they put 
 th' cheese in a wire cage. It's been a 
 blamed long while a-comin', but et 
 last we hev a "Y" in Ellyn. 
 
 While he may laugh best, there is 
 jist a bare possibility thet th' feller 
 who laughs last is slow 'bout ketch- 
 in' on. We never hear nuthin' 'bout 
 a "eight-hour day" fer mother. 
 
 105
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 It takes an experienced grocer 
 three er four minutes t' weigh a 
 pound o' somethin', but somehow a 
 butcher seems t' hit th' right weight 
 th' fust time. It must go purty hard 
 fer a feller thet's been drawin' 
 "twenty-five per" t' throw his 
 crutches away. 
 
 Miss Fawn Lippincut recited 
 Gray's "Anatomy on a Country 
 Churchyard" et Melodeon Hall 
 Wednesday evenin'. Tipton Bud 
 says you could cut a street through 
 with a drink o' thet "third rail" whis- 
 ky thet they sell up et Martinsville. 
 
 A feller never ort t' git married 
 till he's absolutely sure he kin break 
 away from th' bunch et th' se-gar 
 store. Nobuddy is ever ready fer 
 company. 
 
 io6
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Some folks seem t* think thet jist 
 *cuz a feller is a "travelin' man" he 
 knows it all. I used t* know a chap 
 named Jimmy Prince over in Ohio 
 thet hed been all over th' world three 
 times an' all I ever heerd him tell 
 wuz thet he couldn't find no plug 
 terbaccer in London. 
 
 Aunt Tildy McGoogle died yister- 
 day et Evansville, aged one hundred 
 and five, an' she hed smoked all her 
 life. By ginger, if she'd lived an- 
 other year she'd a hed enough cou- 
 pons t' git a pasteboard suit-case. 
 Waldo Blayney "bet his life" on 
 Britt, an' wuz in a percarious condi- 
 tion Saturday night. This mornin' 
 he wuz able t' worry down a soft 
 egg. 
 
 Ez Pash says thet when you hear 
 some smart alex blowin* off 'bout his 
 "ideal home life" you kin bet your 
 boots thet he travels er belongs t' 
 all th' lodges. Th' newspapers thet 
 print "What t' git fer Christmas" ort 
 t' print how t' git it. 
 
 107
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 When a feller hez t' pay fer a 
 spring suit thet he ordered in De- 
 cember he alius says he'll never git 
 another one. Miss Tawney Apple 
 entertained a few o' her young 
 friends last night an' th' evenin' wuz 
 happily spent playin' "dimple." 
 Thet's a new game where you dis- 
 card everything but th' queen. 
 
 io8
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th* feller thet says "free gratis" 
 generally wears suspenders with his 
 belt. Th' ole proverb, "beggars 
 should not be chewers," is almost 
 obsolete. 
 
 A number o' good men hev come 
 from Booneville an' you can't blame 
 'em if you've seen Booneville. Some 
 o' th' young folks went over t' 
 Franklin t'day t' see th' sights an' 
 git th' provincialism rubbed off. 
 
 Constable Newt Plum raided a 
 card club yisterday an' got a pair o' 
 green lisle hose, a hand-painted plate 
 an' a shirtwaist pattern. A feller 
 thet buys three er four fifteen-cent 
 drinks on his way t' a ten-cent din- 
 ner generally sends money loose in 
 th' mails. 
 
 This is George Washington's 
 birthday. Th' ole feller wouldn't be 
 in it t'day. Tryin' t' scrape up rela- 
 tionship with some one thet's rich er 
 prominent is one o' th' fifty-seven 
 varieties o' showin' inferiority. 
 
 Ill
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 By ginger, did you ever notice 
 how two w^omen with babies o' th' 
 same age hobnob t'gither? It beats 
 all who some people will work fer. 
 Tapley Bray is cleanin' brick for a 
 home wrecker. 
 
 "Early t' bed an' early t* rise 
 makes folks healthy, wealthy an* 
 wise," an' if you dun't believe it jist 
 look et your milk-man. Pinky Kerr 
 hed a "knock down" t' Jimmy Britt 
 last week. 
 
 Did you ever notice your butcher 
 weigh his hand an' say "thirty-eight 
 cents"? Buffalo Bill wunts a de- 
 vorce. Famous people er 'bout all 
 alike, no matter whether they got th' 
 fame breakin' glass balls er in polly- 
 tics. 
 
 Ther's lots o* worse things than 
 eatin' with your knife — but not 
 much. When a spring cannydate 
 comes whinin' round you an' tells 
 you thet he "alius voted th' party 
 ticket," ask him what else he kin do. 
 
 112
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 In these hifalutin days you never 
 see th' old wood-box covered with 
 wall-paper. O' all th' women's clubs 
 th' rollin'-pin is th' wust. 
 
 A Terry Hut policeman kin wear 
 any size helmet. Th' man thet prac- 
 tises on th' clarinet kin never git 
 any recognition in his home town. 
 
 Th* feelin* o' security thet comes 
 with th' cumilation o' a few thousand 
 dollars must be a wonderful sensa- 
 tion. It's almost impossible t' git a 
 huld o' a non-onion se-gar these 
 days. 
 
 Mr. Alex Tansey hez a theory thet 
 I'm rather inclined t' take a good 
 deal o' stock in. He says thet th' 
 thinnin' out o' th' great forests in th' 
 Northwest an' fillin' th' country with 
 telephone an' interurban poles is 
 undoubtedly changin' th' course o' 
 th' gulf stream. Some "peroxide 
 blonde" is a-gittin' ready t' hev a 
 millinery openin' in a room next t' 
 th' livery stable. 
 
 "3
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I seen a well-dressed stranger 
 chewin' terbaccer Sunday, so I guess 
 we're all purty much human after 
 all. Ez Pash says thet after he gits 
 through readin' some o' th' stories in 
 th' Sunday papers he's afeard t' go t' 
 bed. 
 
 Tilford Moots thinks some o' run- 
 nin' fer offis but he hates t' mortgage 
 his home. A couple o' strangers wuz 
 here this week talkin' up a cannin' 
 factory. One wuz dressed like a 
 Dimmycrat an' th' 'tother looked 
 like he wuz in ordinary circum- 
 stances too. 
 
 114
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Dave Angel's dorter, Angie, is al- 
 most ugly enough t' make a good 
 stenographer. Admiral Nogi added 
 a few more vessels t' Rooshy's "sub- 
 marine navy" yisterday. 
 
 When ther's "no use talkin' " 'bout 
 a thing a woman won't hev nothin' t' 
 do with it. Jist ez soon ez th' new 
 culbert across th' crick east of 
 Moots' place is done, Miss Fawn 
 Lippincut is a-goin' t' give a "bridge 
 party." 
 
 It's all right t' be close-mouthed 
 an* cool-headed if you kin be thet 
 way without lookin' stupid. Miss 
 Fawn Lippincut says thet th' trouble 
 with most wives is thet when they're 
 not hungry they dun't think no one 
 else is either. 
 
 Professor Runyan's troupe o* smil- 
 in' cows from Bluffton will be seen 
 et one o' th' Indynoplus parks this 
 season. Seems like complercations 
 er 'bout ez successful ez operations 
 these days. 
 
 "5
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Senitur Beveridge hez sent us a 
 package each o' salpiglossis, calliop- 
 sis, gaillardia an' aquilegia. My wife 
 hez taken part o' one package an' she 
 feels like a two-year-old. Speakin' o' 
 th' foreign invasion, you kin hardly 
 git along th' resident streets o' In- 
 dynoplus fer poles. 
 
 ii6
 
 -'^
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Tipton Bud's wife is so dash- 
 blamed stingy thet she peels per- 
 taters with a safety razor. If a 
 young lawyer kin jist evade his rent 
 an' stick t' a prune diet fer three er 
 four years he may git on a payin' 
 basis. 
 
 By ginger, talk about a huld-up. 
 If you wunt t' go on th' sojers' mon- 
 ument et Indynoplus you've got t' 
 buy a round-trip ticket. Pinky Ken- 
 is raisin' a set o' whiskers fer th' 
 winter, an' his chin looks like th' 
 cylinder in a music-box. 
 
 Th' feller thet worries along in a 
 four-room flat is not always a four- 
 flusher. By ginger, ther's a big per- 
 litical fight goin' on et Bloom Cen- 
 ter, Ohio. All th' business men er 
 tryin' t' keep out o' th' city council. 
 
 A feller may git jist ez tired o* a 
 wife ez he does a boardin' house but 
 it wunt be ez easy t' change. Ole Ez 
 Pash says, "In makin' apple butter 
 use only th' largest turnips." 
 
 iig
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Muncie is a great city. I wuz 
 there 'bout fifteen minutes t'other 
 day an' I didn't git t' see much 
 more'n half o' what there wuz t' be 
 seen. Th' smoke must be purty bad 
 up et Indynoplus. Th' papers is ad- 
 vertisin' smokin' jackets. 
 
 Th* late Shah o' Persia, like all 
 swell dressers, wuz alius borrowin' 
 money. It must be purty hard t' 
 live down a brilliant father. 
 
 When a feller begins t* think 
 about givin' a valuable ring t' a girl 
 he ort t' remember thet ther's no 
 way in th' world t' git it back. 
 Young Lafe Bud is jist crazy about 
 dancin' an' hez lost three overcoats 
 already this winter. 
 
 Th' fust thing a young feller does 
 when he goes t' work fer a newspa- 
 per is t' ask what time he goes t' 
 dinner an* who t' ask fer theater 
 tickets. A Indianny bank wuz 
 robbed Wednesday — this time by 
 outside parties. 
 
 120
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' popularity o' a purty girl with 
 a ugly dispersition lasts jist about ez 
 long ez a new song. Th' "knocker" 
 is bad enough but he's got th' feller 
 thet "walks in" on you beat several 
 cement blocks. 
 
 Some spiritualist medium is here 
 tryin' t' rent Melodeon Hall £er Sun- 
 day evenin', but Constable Newt 
 Plum, the janitor, says he hezn't a 
 ghost o' a show. Ole Niles Turner 
 says thet if these blamed travelin' 
 drummers would eat what ther used 
 t' an' not what they wunt when ther 
 on th' road it would be a consitable 
 cuttin' down o' ther expense ac- 
 counts, thereby reducin' th' cost o' 
 things t' us consumers. 
 
 Mr. Alex Tansey, our school- 
 teacher, says he reckons a feller ort 
 t' be glad t' even git a pair o' slip- 
 pers this Christmus with th' price 
 o' sausage up where et is. Ole Pap 
 Wilder, who hez been constable o' 
 Roundhead, Ohio, fer twenty years, 
 resigned intact yisterday. 
 
 I2Z
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Distant relatives er th' best kind. 
 With all its blamed labor-savin' 
 qualerfications th' corn shredder 
 seems t' leave th' farmer short- 
 handed. 
 
 Th' feller thet gits a shavin*-set fer 
 Christmus hez a hard time keepin' 
 his New Year's reserlutions. Miss 
 Fawn Lippincut says thet when she 
 gits married she's goin* t' hev a 
 "well-planned elopement.'* 
 
 Pinky Kerr says he used t' work 
 in a factory where th' hands were 
 all Christian Scientists an' it sound- 
 ed like a bird-store. A green per- 
 simmon broke up th' band practice 
 last night. 
 
 rv y 
 
 122
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 They still carry ther money in 
 ther mouths an' wear bell-bottomed 
 trousers in some parts o' southern 
 Indianny. Society never pays any 
 attention t* the shape o' a feller's 
 head till he murders somebuddy. 
 
 When I see a boy goin' t' school 
 with his books in one hand an' a 
 cigaroot in th' other I wonder where 
 his father is. What becomes o' all 
 th' people thet sell out ever' year 
 an' go int' th' chicken-raisin' busi- 
 ness? 
 
 Speakin' o* th' tortures o' th' 
 Spanish Inquisition did you ever set 
 through a college entertainment? 
 You kin tell how a feller's mind runs 
 these days by th' souvenir pustal 
 cards he sends you. 
 
 Th' average feller thet subscribes 
 a few dollars t' some worthy cause 
 stays in a ugly humor fer six weeks 
 afterward. Th' good thing about th' 
 ole-time paper collar wuz that folks 
 changed 'em once in a while. 
 
 123
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 It's funny how people used t' live 
 t' be thirty years ole in th' pioneer 
 days without Bluffy's Poor Malt 
 whisky. Some feller wuz tryin' t' 
 sell minin' stock here this week. He 
 wuz ez polished an' fascinatin' ez a 
 bigeunist. 
 
 124
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Pinky Kerr says you kin spend 
 ten er twelve dollars on a girl 
 Christmus an' she'll send you some 
 sort o' a rig-a-ma-gig t' put some- 
 thin' in you hain't got. You take th' 
 same chances on eggs et one o' them 
 "we-study-t'-please" groceries ez 
 you do anywhere else. 
 
 It's been a good many years since 
 only people thet really amounted t' 
 somethin' wore plug hats. Th' Buf- 
 falo Belles burlesque troupe changed 
 cars et Columbus yisterday. Th' 
 show looked like it might 'a' been or- 
 ganized under a lamp-pust et Sid- 
 ney, Ohio. 
 
 Th' prohibition agitation accumi- 
 lated in a big meetin' et Melodeon 
 Hall last night. In addressin' th' 
 crowd Constable Newt Plum said 
 thet what our town needed wuz nine 
 er ten good saloons thet wouldn't 
 sell t' anybuddy thet drank. Th' 
 trouble with doctorin' with a mail- 
 order house is thet th' trains er 
 nearly alius late. 
 
 127
 
 ABE 
 
 MARTIN 
 
 Th' only new thing about th' cir- 
 cus up et Martinsville yisterday wuz 
 thet it didn' hev any trained seals. 
 It takes about two good compli- 
 ments t' ruin th' ordinary feller. 
 
 Th' reg'lar army an' th' street-car 
 companies seem t' be gittin' all th' 
 boys. If it wuzn't fer th' colleges 
 ther' wouldn't be a soul t' solicit in- 
 surance an' drive delivery wagons. 
 Newt Plum's nephew is home ag'in 
 after bein' abroad two years. He 
 says o' all th' places he's saw Cov- 
 ington, Kentucky, an' Windsor, Can- 
 ada, made th' most hit with him. 
 
 y^^^" 
 
 128
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Newt Plum's married dorter is so 
 afeerd o' porch-climbers, thet she 
 made her husband move int' a one- 
 story cottage. One o' th' Hale boys 
 died in perfect agony t'day an' ez 
 he didn't smoke cigaroots th' doc- 
 tors didn't know what ailed him. 
 
 Opportunity only knocks once an' 
 then we're generally in th' back part 
 o' th' house. They keep about ever'- 
 thing in them big department stores 
 these days but a place t' sleep while 
 you're waitin' t' git waited on. 
 
 It hain't alius th' doctor with th' 
 most practice thet drives th' most 
 horses t' death. Some fellers er born 
 lucky an' others live with ther wife's 
 folks. 
 
 If a young feller kin jist tide over 
 thet period o' his life when he's in- 
 clined t' join a brass band, he may 
 amount t' somethin' after all. Christ- 
 mus will soon be here, but you 
 can't buy groceries with "peace an' 
 good will." 
 
 I2g
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Our school-teacher is a' odd-look- 
 in' chap. He's got sideburns like one 
 o' them fellers thet go t' medical col- 
 lege in th' winter an' hangs paper in 
 th' summer. Al Thomas, who wuz 
 defeated fer assessor after hevin' 
 held th' office fer eighteen years, will 
 probably go int' vaudeville. 
 
 Ther' wuz quite a discussion about 
 hasenpfeffer down et th' blacksmith 
 shop yisterday. Pinky Kerr said it 
 wuz some sort o' a dish fer ostriches 
 an' ole German musicians, and Til- 
 ford Moots said it wuz nothin' more 
 ner less than denatured rabbits. It's 
 purty hard t' stop a newspaper your 
 wife likes. 
 
 130
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' lid is on in Terry Hut but Til- 
 ford Moots says it looks like a min- 
 now bucket lid. I'll alius maintain 
 thet you can't get over three good 
 se-gars fer five cents. 
 
 Miss So-and-so, from Needles, 
 Californy, will visit Plum's folks 
 over Christmus. I kin remember 
 when a feller wuz called a jay if he 
 didn't wear a narrow-rimmed brown 
 derby. 
 
 Ther' hain't no economy in buyin' 
 stogies, fer you alius break two out 
 o' a possible three. A Uncle Tom's 
 Cabin troupe with two Ohio Rivers 
 is goin' t' be et Melodeon Hall Sat- 
 urday night. 
 
 When a feller puts on a woolen 
 undershirt an' then fills up on buck- 
 wheat cakes an' sausage he's upt' th' 
 scratch. Miss Tawney Apple's uncle, 
 Hiram Dodds, died et Bloom Center, 
 Ohio, yisterday et th' age o' one hun- 
 dred and eight. He alius chewed an' 
 smoked an' kept away from lawyers. 
 
 131
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I dun't wunt t' call Niles Turner a 
 thief, but his umbreller hez "J. W." 
 on th' handle. Next t' th' feller thet 
 plays pool all day while his sister 
 clerks in a store I think th' snip thet 
 shows his girl's letters is 'bout th' 
 limit. 
 
 132
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 When a boy er girl leaves ther 
 home in some little town t' take a 
 job in th' city th' home paper alius 
 says thet they've "accepted an im- 
 portant position in one of th' largest 
 establishments in th' country." Art 
 Henry wuz killed et th' saw-mill this 
 mornin' an' Constable Plum wanted 
 t' break th' news gently t' his mother 
 et Greensburg so he sent her a pus- 
 tal card. 
 
 Ther's lots o' folks believe in Prov- 
 idence thet never heerd o' Rhode 
 Island. When it comes t' bloomers, 
 thet ther' Presbyterian congregation 
 over et Greencastle seems t' be "de- 
 vided." 
 
 Folks thet begin t' correspond 
 with ther friends an' relatives jist a 
 w^eek er two before Christmus ort t' 
 be errested an' jugged fer usin' th' 
 mails fer fraudulent purposes. You 
 often meet editors thet used t' be 
 school-teachers, but never meet 
 school-teachers thet used t' be ed- 
 itors. 
 
 135
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Pinky Kerr wuz smokin' one o' 
 them blamed camel-hair cigaroots 
 yisterday an' it smelled like a G- 
 string burnin' up. I've met all o' th' 
 Lieber boys but Ach. 
 
 There wuz quite a crowd over et 
 th' pust-offis Saturday night, an' 
 ole Ez Pash, jist fer fun, thought 
 he'd find out how th' sediment fer 
 Bryan wuz since his New York 
 speech, so he says: "Boys, I see 
 Bryan spoke in Missoury yisterday," 
 an' th' applause wuz so great thet it 
 shook all th' letters out o' th' boxes. 
 Th' reason these blamed autoists 
 won't stop fer a policeman is 'cuz it's 
 t' uncertain about gittin' started up 
 ag'in.
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' new pust-offis et Richmond 
 looks like a stack o' white chips. Th' 
 good ole times hev gone by when 
 you could give a' editor a five-cent 
 se-gar an' git a puff in his paper. 
 
 No matter how poor a family is 
 you'll alius find a flashy yellow an' 
 green rug in th' parlor an' a couple 
 o' life-sized crayon portraits hangin' 
 on the wall. Uncle Ez Pash says thet 
 jist exactly two hundred years ago 
 t'day Charles Dickens changed cars 
 et Bellefontaine, Ohio, fer Sandusky. 
 
 Mr. Alex Tansey, our school- 
 teacher, says thet th' indiscriminate 
 sale o' dress suits is doin' more t' 
 bring about social equality than any- 
 thing else. Th' pictures on some o' 
 th' souvenir pustal cards er enough 
 t' demoralize th' mail service. 
 
 Th' next Indianny Legislature ort 
 t' pass a law ag'in a bank doin' busi- 
 ness within ten miles o' a blacksmith 
 shop. It'll soon be time fer Christ- 
 mus jewelry t' turn green. 
 
 137
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Th' feller thet talks about abolish- 
 in' Santy Claus would kick a cat an' 
 hates flowers. Alex Tansey, our 
 school-teacher, wrote a' article called 
 "Th' Arrangement an' Display o' 
 Needlework et County Fairs," an' 
 th' magazine he sent it t' sent it 
 back an' now he's got th' writer's 
 cramp. 
 
 138
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 When one o* them lone highway- 
 men gits on a train an' hulds up all 
 th' passengers single-handed, where 
 er th' blamed drummers thet er alius 
 talkin' so big? 
 
 Our new trimmer says thet when 
 her mother dyed ther' wuzn't a gray 
 hair in her head. A woman never 
 finds out her husband's true charac- 
 ter till his overcoat sleeve-linin' be- 
 gins t' wear out. 
 
 The antagonism t* winter bathing 
 down our way wuz never stronger er 
 more noticeable. A woman school- 
 teacher wTiz discharged et New Je- 
 rusalem, Ohio, fer bein' good-look- 
 in'. Thet's what she gits fer leavin' 
 Indianny. 
 
 If th' salaries o' railroad presi- 
 dents were split up an' divided 
 'mongst th' telegraph operators ther' 
 wouldn't be so blamed many wrecks. 
 With all our marvelous prosperity 
 Christmus would play t' empty seats 
 on a return engagement. 
 
 141
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Alex Tansey is alius hookin' up 
 with some new-fangled notion an' 
 now he's cut out meat diet an' be- 
 come a regular veterinarian an' lives 
 on hoss radishes. A feller wears lots 
 o' things after he's married thet he 
 never looked right in before. 
 
 It's purty hard t' pass a blonde 
 these days, ther's so many counter- 
 fits. A Indianny school teacher's 
 salary hain't what it ort t' be but he 
 should be thankful fer one thing, an' 
 thet is he's not likely t' git th' wine 
 habit. 
 
 142
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I guess Al Timmons is consitable 
 o' a feller. He's near on thirty-nine 
 an' never failed in business ner bed 
 a fire. Speakin' o' ole times down et 
 th' pust-offis last night, Ez Pash 
 said thet th' "pin back" skirt wuz 
 one o' th' severe hardships o' th' sev- 
 enties. 
 
 Tilford Moots wuz tellin' Pinky 
 Kerr thet his father went from Co- 
 shocton, Ohio, t' Californy in a cov- 
 ered wagon pulled by oxes in 1849, 
 an' Pinky said, "Wuz he payin' an 
 election bet?" Ole Ez Pash says 
 thet if it wuzn't fer Christmus an' th' 
 pension system ther' wouldn' be sev- 
 enty-five cents in circulation in this 
 country. 
 
 A feller wastes jist three hundred 
 an' sixty-five hours a year buttonin' 
 one o' them blamed double-breasted 
 waistcuts. Th' ole county fair 
 grounds on a snowy winter day is a 
 dismal place with no sign o' life ex- 
 cept a few rabbit-tracks leadin' t' a 
 hole under th' "fine arts hall." 
 
 143
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Ther's lots o' husbands chewin' th' 
 rag these days on account o' th' Jan- 
 uary linen sales. Mr. Alex Tansey 
 says he'd like t' know how much 
 longer th' Indianny Legislature 
 thinks th' school-teachers kin exist 
 on th' "Moscow scale." 
 
 144
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 Congressman Lincoln Dixon never 
 fergits his constituents. After work- 
 in' day an' night fer two years he 
 hez finally landed a government po- 
 sition fer Elgin Tyler an' yisterday 
 Elgin bought a shovel an' started fer 
 his new field o' labor on th' Panama 
 Canal. Klaw an'Erlanger kin thank 
 ther "stars" fer what they er t'day. 
 
 Mr. Alex Tansey, our school- 
 teacher, will deliver his new lecture 
 entitled, "Ingratitude, Education an' 
 Topics o' th' Day" et Bristle Ridge 
 t'morrow night an' already th' ad- 
 vance sale o' seats is big enough t' 
 hev a planner moved up int' th' hall. 
 Ther' doesn't seem t' be no effort 
 made t' curb th' sale o' plug hats t' 
 irresponsible an' commonplace peo- 
 ple. 
 
 Young Lafe Bud went out huntin* 
 with four other fellers Saturday an' 
 succeeded in shootin' three o' them 
 when he wuz overtaken by darkness. 
 I guess people er gittin' ther snoots 
 purty full o' prosperity. 
 
 147
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 I'd judge from th' number o' beer 
 bottles on th' window-sills up et In- 
 dynoplus thet th' town wuz overrun 
 with "second story workers." Once 
 a policeman alius a policeman. 
 
 Milt Whitehill's widder an' dorter 
 expect t' run through with th' farm 
 by spring an' then go an' make ther 
 home with ther cousin who works in 
 a brickyard up et Kokomo. Th' pure 
 food label won't keep you from git- 
 tin' th' can. 
 
 No matter how th' land lays er 
 how thrifty er lazy a farmer is, he 
 alius seems t' be able t' raise a nice 
 crop o' tangled whiskers. It's purty 
 hard t' keep track o' a feller thet al- 
 ternates between three different 
 kinds o' hats. 
 
 Tilford Moots took his wife down 
 t' Evansville Monday t' be operated 
 on fer liveritis, an' t'day his niece 
 got a letter sayin' thet th' operation 
 wuz entirely successful an' thet th' 
 body would be shipped home et 
 once. 
 
 148
 
 ABE MARTIN 
 
 No feller ever ort t' publish a book 
 unless he's got a trade t' fall back 
 on. Th' scoundrel thet stole th' 
 mouthpiece o' Clem Harner's cornet 
 fer a se-gar holder kin git th' rest o* 
 th' instrument by callin' et th' band- 
 room any Wednesday night. 
 
 Milt Whitehill's widder hez been 
 carryin' on so since his death thet 
 th' authorities hed t' put her in sad 
 irons. Miss Fawn Lippincut says 
 thet some chaps seem t' fergit thet 
 th' fust thing a girl notices about a 
 feller is his teeth. 
 
 149
 
 Hi 
 
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 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 
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