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 \ND ERNEST PAGE
 
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 'Merit, even oT the highest, without a corrtspondlng good manner, 
 is like a flower without ptrfume or a tree without leaves." 
 
 <^}y 
 
 THE AMERICAN 
 
 t of IMamtiwsj 
 
 A STUDY OF THE 
 
 USAGES, LAWS AND OBSERVANCES 
 
 WHICH GOVERN INTERCOURSE IN THE 
 BEST SOCIAL CIRCLES, 
 
 AND OF THE 
 
 PRINCIPLES WHICH UNDERLIE THEM. 
 
 Eepi-inted from ''Andrews'' American Queen. 
 
 New York : W. R. Andrews.
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 
 1880, by 
 
 W . R . ANDREWS. 
 
 in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, al 
 Washington.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 THE editor of The American Queew, like 
 many another editor of a fashionable jour- 
 nal, has been for some time the recipient of 
 innumerable letters, all of which have for their 
 burden the request that he will enlighten the 
 writers as to some vexed question of etiquette. 
 These letters come from young ladies in the 
 West and East ; from young housekeepers who 
 are beginning, far from the great cities, the first 
 arduous attempts at dinner-giving ; from young 
 men who are rising in the world, and who are 
 beginning to aspire toward that knowledge of 
 society from which they have been debarred by 
 a youth of industry : from elderly people, to 
 whom fortune has come late, but whose children 
 begin to wish to know how to take their places 
 in the gay world ; from all parts of the country, 
 in fact, come these letters, too many of them to 
 be answered individually. Therefore, in order 
 not to ignore them, but to answer them collect- 
 ively, he has caused to be written a series ol 
 
 2071074
 
 ii. PREFACE. 
 
 articles, called " The American Code of Man- 
 ners," which he now collects into a book, hoping 
 that, by this means, his many correspondents may 
 be answered, or, at least, assured that he is not 
 indifferent to their requests. The most that can 
 be claimed for this book is, that it is not the 
 result of either ignorance or inexperience. It 
 has not been written hastily or without some 
 thought. Many, indeed all, well-known books 
 of etiquette have been carefully read and con- 
 sulted by the writer, much good advice has 
 been asked and taken, and yet, no doubt, it is 
 still very far from being what the writer would 
 fain have made it — an unerring guide to good 
 manners. 
 
 Books of etiquette may be divided into three 
 classes— those which are written by people who 
 know nothing of society, or who, at best, have only 
 been permitted a glimpse of its coarser manifesta- 
 tions at a watering-place ; or by those who seek to 
 avenge their anger at not having been admitted 
 to the arena, by abusing it ; or those which are 
 written by people who know so much of society, 
 that they forget the steps by which they have 
 risen, and who fail, as some grammarians do. to
 
 Hi, 
 
 give the learner the first principle, without which 
 all subsequent teaching is in vain. 
 
 Many books of etiquette are as useless as Ollen- 
 dorff 's French Grammar, which gives the scholar 
 phrases which he can never use, as " Have you the 
 cotton nightcap of the shoemaker," instead of 
 telling him how to ask for his dinner, or teaching 
 him how to form a sentence. The experts of 
 society are, on the contrary, as certainly skilled 
 in the laws which govern that great world as are 
 the oflQcers of the army in the regulation code. 
 Officers of the army know not alone the art of 
 war, but they know the etiquette of the camp — the 
 proper dress, the salute due to each officer. It is 
 a study. No man can enter the army from the 
 ranks of civil life, without committing some 
 flagrant solecism which, to a regularly-educated 
 officer, would be impossible. 
 
 So with the uninformed writers upon fashion 
 —their errors are endless and ridiculous. Nor 
 would we claim that a book of etiquette can 
 be written which sfiall he perfect, even by an ex- 
 pert ; for etiquette is cumulative, changeful and 
 uncertain. " The fashion of this world passeth 
 away." We can, at best, but remotely fix the
 
 IV. PRBFACfe. 
 
 manners of the time we live in ; people differ 
 about trifles. The manners of the West are not 
 the manners of the East. There will never be a 
 faultless code of manners vn-itten, although It 
 may be spoken, understood and felt. We have 
 a thousand refinements and fashions now which 
 were to our ancestors unknown. We have lost, 
 too, much which they had gained. Our hours, 
 dress, houses, are vastly different from theirs. 
 Their bows and courtesies were better than ours, 
 and our children's children, again, will have an- 
 other set of manners and customs differing from 
 ours. But for the moment, we have done the 
 best we can to help those who wish to inriuire 
 into the etiquette of our best society. We have 
 hinted at some national mistakes in the last few 
 chapters, for no one can learn anything until he 
 has been told wherein he is wrong ; and, in some 
 respects, the young American is very wrons^'. 
 
 The mischievous tendencies of our society are 
 many, and always tend to lower the tone of good 
 manners. The vulgar worship of wealth, the 
 imitating of foreign vices and follies, contempt of 
 the domestic virtues, impoliteness of young men, 
 and the fast and immodest manners of young
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 women, should all be taken into consideration in 
 the efforts which some well-intentioned people 
 are making to introduce a perfect American 
 Code of Manners. Until these faults are wholly 
 mended, we need never hope to have an elegant 
 society. The aristocratic code in Europe retains 
 always a certain semblance of decency, no matter 
 how dissolute and vicious society may be. With 
 us, the manners of our people must proceed 
 from their morals ; and, as we have no queen, 
 no court, no nobility, to set our fashions, we must 
 set them ourselves. 
 
 Hoping that this little book will answer some 
 
 doubts and solve some problems ; that it will 
 
 encourage the modest and rebuke the rude ;■ that 
 
 it will, at least, write its initial motto on some 
 
 refined and questioning natures, we offer it as a 
 
 tribute to that ideal society which shall be when 
 
 the American Code of Manners is the expression 
 
 of an American code of morals, as high, as true, as 
 
 unselfish and as courteous as that last speech of 
 
 Sir Philip Sydney, on the battle-field, to the dying 
 
 soldier, when he gave him his cup of cold water : 
 
 - Take it, my friend : thy necessities are greater 
 
 than mine. '■ '
 
 It may almost be said that politeness is a for- 
 getfulness of self, a recognition of the rights of 
 others ; and yet so indefinable is manner, so 
 indescribable is that grace, that aroma of good 
 society, which comes from a long and intimate 
 knowledge of the customs and the conversation 
 of educated, refined and polished people, that any 
 attempt to define the exact shade of demeanor 
 which should be assumed, in order to fit a person 
 to enter into it, would be like attempting to draw 
 the shape of the wings of the wdnd, or to define 
 the warmth and the size of the sunbeams. 
 
 Good manners and a knowledge of correct eti- 
 quette must, therefore, depend largely upon the 
 learner. The teacher can do but little. A few 
 certain rules there are, and they are plainly stated 
 in this book. A few general principles— certain 
 gulfs to be avoided, certain hills to climb, the gen- 
 eral geography of etiquette — have been pointed 
 out ; but the quiet by-ways and lovely flowered 
 lanes which lead into the heart of the-best society — 
 these mu.st be explored, always, by the light of 
 such lanterns as tact, sense, perseverance, and an 
 interest in the subject. 
 
 The Author.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Introductory, 7 
 
 The Young Man who Desires to Enter Society, 20 
 A Young Lady's Entrance into Society, . . 3^ 
 A Young Couple on their Entrance into 
 
 Society, 45 
 
 Dinners, Large and Small— their Etiquette, 
 
 Number of Courses and Limitations, . . 58 
 State Dinners, Formal Dinners and Famous 
 
 Dinners, 71 
 
 Receptions, Teas, Luncheons, . . . .83 
 
 Who Should Bow First? Who Should Speak 
 
 First ? Who Should Call First ? . . .95 
 Conduct in a Crowd, . . . . . .107 
 
 The Etiquette op Weddings, of Calls op Con- 
 gratulation AND OF Sympathy, . . . .119 
 
 American Mistakes, 132 
 
 Social Observances Toward Foreigners and 
 
 Toward Our Own Great People, . . .146 
 Young People at a Watering Place, . . .158 
 
 A Haughty Hostess, 170 
 
 The Etiquette op Cards, .... .182
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PACK. 
 
 Fliktation and Increasing Fastness of Manner, 194 
 
 The Manners of Young Men, 307 
 
 Real and Conventional Breeding, . . . 219 
 
 The Ethics of Dress, 230 
 
 An American Returned from Europe, . . 242 
 The Money Marriage Market, .... 253 
 
 Recognition and Salutation, 266 
 
 The Arab Law op Hospitality, .... 278 
 
 dnARACTERISTICS OF DIFFERENT CiTIES, . . . 288 
 
 The Morals of Fashion, 299 
 
 Several Kinds of Exclusiveness, . . .312 
 
 Breeding, Cultivation and Manners, . .323 
 
 The Duties op Americans to Society, . . .335 
 
 The Use of Certain Words, 347 
 
 Dinners and Breakfasts Once More Consid- 
 ered, 357 
 
 Teas, High Teas and Calls, 368 
 
 A Few Last Words on Etiquette, .... 380
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 INTRODUCTORY. 
 
 AS everything in a republic is chaotic and 
 uncertain at first — as it is, from its very 
 inception, a "new departure;" as we are just 
 now beginning to test the virtues and the evils of 
 universal suffrage, so it is not astonishing that 
 our observance of etiquette has been chaotic, 
 uncertain and occasionally absurd. It would 
 naturally be the last thing to right itself in a 
 nation so vast as ours, with a population made 
 up of every other nationality, and with that 
 "glittering generality" incorporated into our 
 Declaration of Independence "that all men are 
 created equal." 
 
 For no greater mistake was ever penned than 
 that last statement. A man maybe bom to great 
 freedom as to his political opinions, but he is not 
 free ; he may be equally trammeled by riches as
 
 8 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 by poverty. He is not the equal of some other 
 man who has more brains, more health, more 
 vigor than he has. The world is always full of 
 inequalities. We may call it luck, or tact, or 
 knack, or fate, or what we will— some people are 
 always superior to some other people, and always 
 will be. As we look at the world through eighteen 
 Christian centuries, we see that in every capital, 
 every country town, there has been a high, well- 
 to-do, distinctive class, setting the fashions, hold- 
 ing the power, being looked up to ; and we see, 
 also, another class — those who are looking 
 up. Of course, the distinctions of rank, 
 title and grade are abolished in this coun- 
 try. And here we have our own great 
 distinction, which is that every American man 
 and every American woman can, if they are edu- 
 cated, refined, and know how to behave them- 
 selves, enter on an equality the society of princes. 
 Still the fact remains that, until they do achieve 
 a certain knowledge of the rules of etiquette, 
 they are not presentable in the drawing-room of a 
 well-bred lady in any part of the world. 
 
 Society is like a convention, a town meet- 
 in'^ a trades union, a caucus. Did it not have
 
 THE AMEBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 9 
 
 certain rules it would relapse into chaos, and 
 those rules are, by common consent, called by one 
 generic term — Etiquette. 
 
 To obtain a knowledge of etiquette has been 
 the study of clever men at various courts of 
 Europe, sometimes for a lifetime. It grew to be 
 so absurd and overloaded at certain courts in the 
 last century that nature was stifled behind it. and 
 occasionally a lively little queen or an impulsive 
 king overthrew it with something not very unlike 
 a kick. Indeed, Shakespeare makes King Henry, 
 as he woos the fair Katherine of France, say 
 with delightful elegance, "Nice customs cou7-tesy 
 to great kings;" but still, so important was this 
 state and etiquette in the minds of the common 
 people, that, no doubt, Marie Antoinette drew 
 down the wrath of the French people by her im- 
 patience at its stringency, and her childish love 
 of fun, her '* descampativos" in the gardens of 
 Versailles, were misinterpreted by the lookers-on, 
 and those who were accustomed to " that Divinity 
 which doth hedge a king " were thus disillusioned 
 and injured by her lawlessness. 
 
 The human mind is very fond of authority ; it 
 likes precedent. More than half the world wisho
 
 10 THE AMRKTCAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 to be told what to do, and the attitude of looking up 
 is said by scolptors to be the most graceful one 
 which the human form can adopt. Now it is a 
 mistake to suppose that a man loses his indepen- 
 dence when his manners take on courtesy. Far 
 from it. The rulers of the world have, in nearly 
 all instances, been men who were polite, deferen- 
 tial, modest. Courtesy of manner is often but 
 another form of self-respect. The polite man is 
 very apt to be the firmest, the most inaccessi- 
 ble of men. He does not tell his secrets, or wear 
 his heart upon his sleeve. His elegance of de- 
 meanor is like the ice of Mont Blanc ; it keeps 
 climbers at a distance, unless they have a strong 
 purpose to gain. Rough men, uncivil men, have 
 sometimes an idea that they would lose their 
 force and independence if they became polished. 
 Far from it. They would thus put on an armor 
 of proof. 
 
 Certain enfranchised women think that they 
 gain fame and power by abolishing good man- 
 ners ; but this is a mistake so profound, so deep 
 and so lasting that it will right itself without fur- 
 ther comment. The power of a woman is in her 
 refinement, gentleness and elegance ; it is she
 
 fSB AMEttlCAN CODE Ot MA.NNEES, 11 
 
 Who makes etiquette, and it is she who preserves < 
 the order and the decency of society. Without 
 women, men soon resume the savage state, and 
 the comfort and the grace of the home are ex- 
 changed for the misery of the mining camp. 
 
 In America we have the foundation of good 
 manners, in the great chivalry of the men. No 
 men have so profound a respect for women ; and 
 this is the beginning of the best etiquette. Polite- 
 ness, which Sidney Smith said was one of the 
 Christian graces, should flow from the heart, and 
 a tenderness and protection, extending from the 
 weaker to the stronger, is the corner-stone of 
 good manners. From the captain of a western 
 steamboat to the roughest miner in California, 
 from north, south, east and west, we hear but one 
 voice. Women are to be protected, respected, 
 supported and petted. There is no such paradise 
 for women as the United States of North America. 
 
 In Paris, the headquarters of elegance, the 
 rottenness of an old civilization has undermined 
 this loyalty to the ideal woman. In London there 
 is a brutality and coarseness, perhaps partly un- 
 derlying the English character, perhaps proceed- 
 ing from overcrowded streets and tenements,
 
 12 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 which descend with heavy hand upon the poorer 
 women, and which reach by atmospheric pres- 
 sure the women of every grade. 
 
 Now, having thus the splendid reality of all 
 grace, all courtesy, all chivalry in the character of 
 our men, we have to look at the character of our 
 women, who are the recipients of this loyal and 
 royal bounty. 
 
 A lady who had held a high position as wife 
 of a foreign Minister at various courts of Europe 
 once said that she never ceased to wonder at the 
 talents of her own young countrywomen. " They 
 have intuitions of elegance," was her comment. 
 She thought that their native refinement, quick 
 intelligence, an apprehension of the necessities of 
 a new position, were almost miraculous. "A 
 young German countess," said she, ''with six- 
 teen quarterings, will come from her secluded 
 chateau to the court at Berlin, awkward, em- 
 barrassed and gauche. It takes a season to 
 make her at her ease. A young American lady 
 will come from a New England town, or a West- 
 em city, and she will be at her ease, and perfect 
 mistress of etiquette in a month." 
 
 Now this is another advantage which grows out
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 13 
 
 of an American code. With its many disadvan- 
 tages it has this great advantage, the young 
 American lady feels herself to be the equal of 
 any crowned head in Europe. So long as this 
 does not become bumptionsness it is an advan- 
 tage. When it does become an excuse for rude- 
 ness, or bad manners, it is a very great disad- 
 vantage. 
 
 There is no doubt that the American girl is 
 somewhat of a spoiled child. She forgets to be 
 polite, to be deferential, to thank a gentleman 
 for giving her his seat in an omnibus or car. She 
 has received so much politeness that she now 
 takes it as her right. 
 
 This is a great mistake. No woman can afford, 
 be she ever so beautiful, or so flattered, or so well 
 placed, to disregard the solvency of her position. 
 She must pay her debts, bow politely, thank 
 heartily, receive graciously all the well-meant and 
 the chivalrous attentions of men. 
 
 It is to be feared that American women, as a 
 class, have disregarded etiquette in Europe too 
 much ; but this must be the subject of a separate 
 paper, as it is a most important one. 
 
 Etiquette, then, is simply a ^knowledge of how
 
 14 THB AMERICAW COOK OF MANNERS. 
 
 to behave at dinner, ball, private party, Presi- 
 dent's reception, on the drive, at the races, in 
 the private circle, or at a public reception or wed- 
 ding, so that we shall be most agreeable, most or- 
 namental, most decent. That good old English 
 word is disregarded too much. It is a beautiful 
 word, rightly considered. As an instance of its 
 early meaning, one of the old English poets speaks 
 of "that cleanly and decent flower, the violet." 
 It is both cleanly and decent to observe in our 
 friend's house the respect we owe to him and to 
 ourselves. 
 
 It is not respectable to go to a President's re- 
 ception in a fustian jacket or a soiled collar ; a 
 man owes it to himself, as an American prince, 
 to dress himself well when he calls on his Chief 
 Magistrate. A gentleman of to-day is known by 
 his cleanliness, his immaculate linen ; he must 
 bear the evidences of his bath about with him. 
 He may wear the shabbiest clothes in the morn- 
 ing, and the thickest shoes ; but for dinner 
 and evening he must be in a neat black 
 dress suit, with either black or white tie — the lat- 
 ter the most distinguished — and, certainly, that 
 simple formula costs him very little time or
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 15 
 
 trouble. It is curious that men are willing to 
 commit the solecism of a white tie with a frock 
 coat, or to wear a dress coat in the morning, a 
 heavy morning coat in the evening when calling 
 upon a lady ; any of these violations of etiquette 
 are so unnecessary, and the observance of the 
 proper course so simple, that one would suppose 
 that the right way would be the easiest, but this 
 is again a matter of detail, and must be written 
 up hereafter. 
 
 Etiquette in America is resolving itself into a 
 system, and the best sign of the times is the grow- 
 ing interest in the subject. Every American citi- 
 zen is interested in the best way of doing every- 
 thing, and a man of true character and 
 self-respect is always willing to learn. The people 
 who make the most mistakes are the conceited 
 and the half-learned. " A little learning is a 
 dangerous thing" in any branch; in none 
 more so than in society. Some people go about a 
 great deal without apprehending the proprieties ; 
 they dress badly and out of season ; they are too 
 showy at one place, too plain at another, as the 
 Empress Eugenie was said to show to her fellow- 
 monarchs, who observed her curiously, that " she
 
 16 THE AMERICAK CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 was not born to the purple " by her too great cor- 
 diality to some and her too great coolness to 
 others. She effused in the wrong place : 
 so do those who know a little of social 
 matters, but not much, always commit the 
 most important and glaring errors. The 
 Indian girl, who came from her tent in the wil- 
 derness to the Queen's drawing-room, committed 
 no errors, for she pretended to know nothing. 
 She received with simple and impressive dignity 
 the attentions bestowed upon her, and gave back 
 a queenly smile to the low bows of the courtiers. 
 
 But a woman who effuses too much, who is 
 swimming in affectation, who dresses too con- 
 spicuously, who i.s too cordial, or too haughty — it 
 is she who commits unconscious solecisms. To 
 her a severe code of etiquette would be an invalu- 
 able guide. She should be told that, if she paints 
 her cheeks, dyes her hair, laces-in her waist to 
 breathlessness, wears too high-heeled shoes or 
 too loud dresses, she will never be mistaken for a 
 lady, either at home or abroad. She may be mis- 
 taken for quite another person than the lady that 
 she is. 
 
 Innocent women, from very ignorance, are
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 17 
 
 often placed in a false position. Sincerity in 
 dress is as valuable sometimes as sincerity of 
 character. 
 
 No lady need be ashamed to dress plainly, or 
 cheaply. She can, with the help of the modern 
 guides to dress, "appear like a lady" on very 
 little money. She can lay down three rules for 
 herself : Never to pretend to anything, never to 
 wear false jewelry, and, affirt natively, always to 
 be neat. 
 
 A young girl with a white mUslin and a fresh 
 flower is dressed for a queen's ball. A lady of 
 matuier years in a well-fitting dark silk, real 
 jewelry or none, real lace or none, and her own 
 hair— all the better if it is white — is also dressed 
 for a ball. 
 
 Not that gorgeous dress is to be disdained— 
 "As costly your habit as your purse can buy," 
 always. But let it be well made, by an artist, 
 suiting your own age and style. 
 
 True womanhood includes all the delicate re- 
 finements that overflow in the perfect glove, the 
 well-fitting shoe, the pretty stocking, the neat 
 frills, the becoming bonnet. The American 
 woman, to do her only justice, is a neat creature
 
 18 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAimERS. 
 
 by instinct, and if she occasionally gives too 
 much thought to dress, she is still to be admired 
 and commended for her daintiness. 
 
 Etiquette settles many a disputed point, and 
 brings comfort to many a mind, in the new 
 positions in which we find ourselves placed 
 toward foreigners. Many Americans are sud- 
 denly afflicted with a crude prosperity which they 
 do not know how to use gracefully. To them 
 etiquette should be defined as a code of laws. It 
 is a convenience. 
 
 Edward Everett commanded so much respect 
 by the elegance of his manners when Minister to 
 England, that some Boston man, who had known 
 him as a youth, asked him how he had mastered 
 the science of European etiquette ; his answer 
 was a significant one : 
 
 " I have never considered any subject un- 
 worthy of intense observation. I pride myself 
 on the manner in which I can tie up a brown 
 paper parcel." 
 
 So, in the most cultivated court of Europe, 
 the American Minister was the best-bred man. 
 On the other hand, our great man, Andrew Jack- 
 son, thought that he showed his Americanism
 
 TElt AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 19 
 
 by receiving the Frencli Minister, who came in 
 full uniform to present his credentials, in a 
 ragged dressing-gown and smoking a corn-cob 
 pipe. He called up his French cook, Denis, to 
 translate for him. The result of this proceeding 
 was to send the French Minister home to write 
 to his Government that he had been insulted. It 
 required all the tact of Mr. Van Buren to explain 
 away the conduct of the eccentric President. 
 
 Our republicanism now has become far more 
 genuine, inasmuch as it realizes that a proper 
 degree of etiquette can be made to assist us in 
 framing an American code of manners at once 
 elegant, simple, proper and decent, which will ex- 
 tend all over the country, which shall penetrate 
 to the extremest limits of civilization, and which 
 shall settle points of controversy in the great 
 cities. 
 
 It is not a slavish adherence to Old World cere- 
 monial. It is rather like our Laurel and our Rho- 
 dodendron, a new and flourishing growth, having 
 its roots in our own soil, and destined, let us 
 hope, to ornament and improve that society 
 which has so splendid a future before it.
 
 20 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE YOUNG MAN WHO DE8IRES TO ENTER SOCIETY. 
 
 IN our introduction we considered the vastness 
 of our subject, a subject which must apply 
 to people of very varied fortune and position, 
 and which requires that rules be laid down 
 which, while they may seem preposterously 
 elaborate and unnecessary to the denizens of 
 cities, are still like the grammar of an unknown 
 language to the untaught youth or maiden, whose 
 life has been spent in seclusion or in rustic neigh- 
 borhoods. The old story of King George IV. 
 (quite the best one ever told of him), that — sym- 
 pathizing with the embarrassment of a young 
 maid-of~honor, newly arrived from the country, 
 who poured her tea into her saucer and who was 
 laughed at by the surrounding courtiers — he, to 
 encourage her, and to rebuke them, poured his 
 tea into his saucer, thus making it the fashion, 
 bears upon our idea. No one wants to pour his 
 tea into his saucer if it is not the custom of 
 polite society, for here we have no King George
 
 THE AMEKICAJy CODE OF MANNERS. 21 
 
 to keep us in countenance. We must be right 
 ourselves. 
 
 Now, a young man coming to New York fresh 
 from life on the Plains, or in a Western or East- 
 ern college, or from service in the army, or from 
 any life which has separated him from the society 
 of ladies, would be, perhaps, ignorant of many 
 important little points of etiquette which it be- 
 hooves him to know 
 
 He should, if he wishes to enter society, try to 
 get a letter from some one who knows him well 
 in his own sphere to some prominent social 
 leader in New York. If this is done, and the 
 lady invites him to her house and makes it agree- 
 able to him, he has nothing further to do but to 
 render himself agreeable to her and to her cu-cle ; 
 his social fortune is made. 
 
 But this good fortune cannot be commanded 
 always, or often. Young men often pass through 
 a lonely youth in a great city, never finding that 
 desired opportunity. But to many it comes 
 through friendship on the cricket ground, at the 
 clubs, in their business. If a friend says thac 
 " Brockett is a good fellow,'' Brockett will proba- 
 bly be sought out and invited.
 
 22 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAKNERS. 
 
 It is hardly creditable for a young man to live 
 in a great city without knowing the best ladies' 
 society. He should seek to do so, and, per- 
 haps, the simplest way would be for him to ask 
 some friend to take him about, and to introduce 
 him. Once introduced, Brockett should be par- 
 ticular to not transcend the delicate outlines of 
 social sufferance ; he must not immediately rush 
 into an intimacy. 
 
 A call should never be too long. One hour was 
 all that Madame Recamier granted to the most 
 agreeable of men. She said that she could stand 
 nobody longer than that. The rule is a good one 
 for an evening visit, for it is much better to have 
 your hostess wishing that you would stay longer', 
 than to stay so long that she wishes you would go. 
 
 For a first visit, a gentleman should always 
 send in his card. After that he may dispense 
 with that ceremony. 
 
 A gentleman for an evening visit should always 
 be in an evening dress— black broadcloth dress- 
 coat, vest, and pantaloons, faultless linen, and 
 white cravat ; a black cravat is permissible, but 
 it is not full dress. He should carry a crush hat 
 la his hand, as it gives him something to hold, to
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 23 
 
 play with, often a great help to a shy man. His 
 feet should be in low shoes and silk stockings, it 
 he wishes to be very nice, but this is not indis- 
 pensable, except for dancing. It is, however, very 
 becoming. For a dinner party a white cravat is 
 de i-igueur ; a man must wear it then, and at a ball 
 or opera. No jewelry of any kind is now fashion- 
 able but finger-rings for gentlemen. They even 
 discard their watch-chains in evening dress. But 
 the Prince of Wales has made finger-rings very 
 fashionable for men. The rings should be of 
 dead-gold, with one or two jewels sunken in, and 
 occasionally a serpent ring with a diamond in 
 the head. The hand should be especially cared 
 for ; the nails beautifully cut and trimmed, like 
 Lord Byron's, if possible; as Lady Blessington 
 described them, "a rose-leaf with a half-moon 
 in it." 
 
 If the hand is thus evidently cared for, no 
 matter how big, how muscular, how masculine 
 it is, the more so the better, for women like to 
 see men look strong and heroic, as if they could 
 drive, row, play ball, cricket, and ''handle the 
 
 It is a curious and eccentric fashion, but now
 
 24 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 men wear no gloves in society. This is also a 
 fashion introduced by the Prince of Wales. It 
 must be a great saving in point of money. 
 
 A gentleman's dress should be so perfectly 
 quiet that it will never excite attention. Thack- 
 eray was very amusing about a too new hat, and 
 declared that he took a watering-pot to his to re- 
 move an objectionable gloss. The suspicion of 
 being '* dressed up" defeats an otherwise excel- 
 lent toilette. 
 
 We will suppose that Brockett ' becomes 
 sufficiently acquainted to be asked to join a 
 theatre party; he must be punctual at the 
 rendezvous and take whatever partner his 
 hostess apportions to him, but he must not 
 offer to send a carriage ; that must come 
 from the giver of the party. In this, Eastern 
 and Western etiquette are at variance, as we 
 are told that in certain Western cities a young 
 gentleman is expected to call in a carriage for a 
 young lady and to take her to a party. This is a 
 doubtful etiquette anjrwhere ; in New York and 
 Boston it is not permitted at all. 
 
 If, however, Brockett wishes to give a theatre 
 party he must furnish everything. He must
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 35 
 
 ask some lady to chaperon his party ; he must 
 arrange that the ladies' rendezvous at a friend's 
 house, and then he must send a chartered omni- 
 bus or carriages for the whole party, he having 
 previously bought the tickets. He must then in- 
 vite his party to sup with him at Delmonico's, or 
 the " Brunswick," or his own rooms, making the 
 feast as handsome as his means will allow. 
 
 This is a very favorite and proper manner for a 
 young gentleman to return the civilities which 
 have been offered to him. 
 
 It is indispensable, however, that he should 
 have the mother of at least one of the young 
 ladies present. The custom of very young chape- 
 rons is rather brought into disrepute lately. On 
 no account should a gentleman ever force himself 
 into any society, or go anywhere uninvited. It 
 seems almost preposterous to even allude to so 
 improbable an event, had the offense not been 
 committed ; but a handsome, well-bred and well- 
 dressed young man once ruined himself in New 
 York by going to an Assembly ball uninvited. 
 
 He may go, of course, if taken by a lady, for 
 she thus assumes the responsibility, and it is an 
 understood thing that a leader of society can take
 
 26 THE AMERICAX CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 a young gentleman with her either to a friend's 
 house or to an Assembly. She is his sponsor ; but 
 mthout such an indorsement the young man 
 must never go uninvited. 
 
 Young men carry their crush hats into a ball- 
 room, and dance with them in their hands. 
 
 In the early morning a man should wear the 
 heavj', loose-fitting English clothes now so fashion- 
 able ; but for an afternoon promenade with a lady, 
 or for an afternoon reception, a frock-coat tightly 
 buttoned, gray pantaloons, and a black satin scarf 
 with plain heavy gold pin, would be " very good 
 form," to use a current phrase. 
 
 Neatness, frequent use of the bath, much 
 exercise in the open air, these are the admirable 
 customs of young gentlemen in the present age. 
 If every one, no matter how busy, how hard 
 worked, could come home, take a warm bath 
 and dress for dinner, it would be an admirable 
 plan. Indeed, if all American men, as all Eng- 
 lishmen do, would show this attention to their 
 wives, society would be far more elegant. A gen- 
 tleman always expects his wife to dress for him : 
 why should he not dress for her ? And then he 
 is ready for any evening visits, operas, parties.
 
 THE AMERICAX CODE OF MANNERS. 27 
 
 theatres, to which he may wish to go. No gentle- 
 man should sit down to a seven o'clock dinner 
 unless freshly dressed. 
 
 If a young gentleman can afford to keep a 
 tilbury or a dog-cart and fine horses, so much the 
 better for him. He is then fitted to offer to 
 take a young lady to drive if her mamma con- 
 sents. 
 
 But a servant should always sit behind — that is 
 indispensable, and the livery, the whole arrange- 
 ment, should be quietly elegant. Brockett, if he 
 would succeed, must not be flashy ; and, as all 
 true gentleness must come from within, let him 
 read Thackeray's noble description : 
 
 "What is it to be a gentleman V Is it to be 
 honest, to be gentle, to be generous, to be brave, 
 to be wise, and possessing all these qualities to 
 exercise them in the most graceful manner y 
 Ought a. gentleman to be a loyal son, a true hus- 
 band, and honest father ? Ought his life to be 
 decent, his bills to be paid, his tastes to be high 
 and elegant ? Yes— a thousand times, yes. " 
 
 Young men, on coming to New York, are often 
 led astray by the sight of certain gaudy adven- 
 turers, who unacoonntably get into society and as
 
 28 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAIWBRS. 
 
 unaccountably succeed. They see these men get 
 on by means of enormous impudence, self-assur- 
 ance, audacity and plausible ways. 
 
 But if they will wait for a few years they will 
 see them go down as rapidly as they rose. No 
 adventurer lasts long ; he is a certain failure in 
 the end. Give him rope enough and he vnW hang 
 himself. 
 
 A young gentleman should lose no opportunity 
 of improving himself. There is a fine instruction 
 in pictures and all works of art. He should 
 read and study in his leisure hours, and fre- 
 quent the refined museums and picture gal- 
 leries. He will thus have a delightful topic of 
 conversation for his evening call, or at the dinner 
 table. Every one wishes to open his thought, his 
 knowledge, his social skill in society. It is the 
 place where we exchange our mental gifts, and a 
 young man doing the work of the world is able to 
 be one of the most agreeable of companions, if, 
 even without the accepted polish of society, he 
 brings a keen intelligence, refined tastes, and a 
 cheerful desire to be agreeable, into the most 
 elegant and rech&rche circle. 
 
 It is not necessary here to refer to the etiquette
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 29 
 
 of clubs. Clubs are self-protecting ; a man soon 
 learns their rules and limitations. A man of 
 honesty and cliaracter seldom gets into difficulty 
 at his club. If his club rejects or pronounces 
 against him, however, it is a social stigma from 
 which he cannot recover. 
 
 Success in society is like electricity — it makes 
 itself felt, and yet is unseen and indescribable. 
 We see very stupid men succeed, and very bright 
 men fail : but one thing can be certainly recom- 
 mended — a young man should have some accom- 
 phshment, such as playing or singing, if he is 
 gifted with a talent for music ; or a neat hand at 
 drawing, or a pleasant trick of elocution, etc.; 
 or he should read a poem well, or take part in a 
 Shakespeare club, if he wishes to make himself 
 popular ; a pretty talent for private theatricals is 
 also useful, and to be a good dancer is now almost 
 indispensable. However, if he is intelligent, 
 and agreeable, he gets on without any of these 
 helps. But they are undoubtedly an assistance. 
 This is a working age that we live in, and the 
 whole formation of society betrays it. Men dress 
 plainly, simply, and without display. Their ser- 
 vants dress better than they do, in one sense, and
 
 30 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 yet nothing is so distinctive as the outhne of a 
 gentleman. It is as much a costume of nobility, if 
 properly worn — the plain black coat — as if it were 
 the velvet cloak which Sir Walter Raleigh threw 
 down before the Queen. 
 
 A young gentleman should not carry into any 
 lady's drawing-room the smell of tobacco. It is 
 disagreeable to some women, they cannot bear it. 
 A proper regard for these little things has made 
 many a man's future. 
 
 In addressing a note to a lady whom he does 
 not know well, Brockett should use the third 
 person, as follows : 
 
 " Mr. Brockett presents his compliments to 
 Mrs. Lea, and begs to know if she and Miss Lea 
 will honor him with their company at a theatre 
 party, on the evening of March 3d, at 'Wal- 
 lack's. 
 
 " R. S. V. P. "17 East Ariington street. 
 
 February 26th." 
 
 This note should be sealed with sealing wax, 
 impressed with the writer's coat-of-arms, or a 
 motto, and delivered by private messenger, who 
 should wait for the answer if the lady is at 
 home.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 31 
 
 In addressing a letter to a gentleman the full 
 title should be used, as — 
 
 *' George Tilden, Esq." 
 
 Or, if the first name is not known, 
 
 " Tilden, Esq." 
 
 Neyer address a note to " Mr. George Tilden;" if 
 it be an invitation, it is not etiquette. 
 
 In writing in the first person, Mr. Brockett 
 must be careful not to be too familiar ; he must 
 make no elisions nor contractions, but fill out 
 every word and line as if the duty were a pleasant 
 one. 
 
 In fact respect, and a thorough determination to 
 learn all the outward forms of a proper etiquette, 
 will soon put a man au o&urant with the rules of 
 society.
 
 32 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNEB8 
 
 CHAPTER IL 
 
 A TOTING lady's ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY 
 
 TO the daughter of rich and influential par- 
 ents, whose life has been all "velvet and 
 roses" from her cradle, this important event is 
 lieralded by the order of dresses from Paris, a ball 
 at Delmonico's or at home, and the most exten- 
 sive leaving of cards on all desirable acquaint- 
 ances. The young lady stands beside her mother 
 at her first ball, is presented, or launched, and 
 takes her place in society with the way clear be- 
 fore her. 
 
 To so fortunate a young lady as this no advice 
 is necessary, except a very good old-fashioned 
 reminder, that she "should obey her mother, 
 and be a good girl.'' If she does that, if she 
 avoids clandestine meetings with young gentle- 
 men, and all foolish love affairs, and takes care 
 of her health, she may be quite sure that her 
 bark will float gaily on to the comfortable port of 
 a happy marriage and a successful future. 
 
 Bat our great country is full of beautiful young
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 33 
 
 girls who have no such start in life. They may 
 have excellent and well-to-do parents who are 
 "not in society," or they may be without parents 
 to help them on. It has happened to many an 
 American lady, who has sat, later, in the highest 
 placeS; a President's or Senator's wife, that these 
 ciuestions of society and etiquette have had to be 
 conquered and answered and comprehended by 
 herself alone. 
 
 The first advice to a beginner is this : 
 '•'■ JB/espect your parents ; love them first and 
 always; ; regard your mother as your best friend, 
 even if, in her unselfish regard for her family, she 
 has forgotten to be elegant. Remember that 
 mth Tier near you you are always safe, and that 
 lier advice is dictated by a love which has a Divine 
 origin." Nothing is so often quoted against 
 American girls as that they are not respectful to 
 their mothers. Without that filial grace no 
 young woman can become a lady. No ; a dis- 
 respectful daughter is the most vulgar of people. 
 But, should a young girl be motherless, she must 
 select a chaperon if she would go into society. 
 Nothing is so imperative as this, and yet many 
 well-meaning girls forget or ignore it, and en-
 
 34 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 deavor to make a career without that necessary 
 adjunct. It leads to very embarrassing mistakes 
 sometimes. So long, however, as a girl has the 
 protecting influence and shield of work^ independ- 
 ence is all very well — 
 
 " A thousand liveried angels lackey her." 
 
 But as soon as she begins to go into society she must 
 have the protection of an older woman. 
 
 If she is a young schoolmistress, artist or musi- 
 cian learning a profession or working for the sup- 
 port of herself or her parents, the world deems 
 her self-consecrate — she is as safe as Joan 
 of Arc from the world's slanderous tongues. 
 But if she go into the world of fashion, she 
 must accept its laws and limitations ; they are 
 like iron, and they must be observed if she would 
 succeed as a woman of the world. 
 
 A young Southern lady, several years ago, pos- 
 sessed of a large fortune, deliberately hired a 
 father and a mother, and went to Paris to live. She 
 was an orphan, but she found without difficulty a 
 gentleman and his wife who were most willing to 
 live with her, to go out in her carriages, to accom- 
 pany her to the theatres, balls and parties, go in
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 35 
 
 tne summer to Baden-Baden and Homburg, and 
 Trouville, yet who were only her chaperons. She 
 went through several seasons of delightful life 
 abroad, respected and admired. Not choosing to 
 marry and fee a foreigner, she afterwards married 
 one of her own countrymen, and still lives abroad. 
 It was a good idea. All young heiresses are not 
 so sensible. Kemembering the freedom which 
 American women enjoy at home, they go to 
 Europe thinking that they can enter society there 
 with the same freedom and impunity with which 
 they enter it here. It is not so. A respectable 
 young lady must have, if not a guardian, cer- 
 tainly a chaperon. 
 
 As for common etiquette, women imbibe that 
 with the air. They soon learn what card to use 
 (it should always have the prefix of ** Miss") and 
 how to dress ; that seems to come by instinct. 
 But if any are ignorant on that point, let us 
 quote an old French proverb: ''Femme sotte se 
 coignait a la cotte." " A foolish women is known 
 by her finery." 
 
 Too much loading on of trimmings is in bad 
 taste for the young ; they do not need jewelry 
 or the arts of the toilet. In England the
 
 86 THE AMERICA>' CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 mother wears all the jewehn-, the daughter 
 none. 
 
 Above all things let her not paint her cheeks 
 Remember the complexion is a thing which must 
 be approached from within. Health and exercise 
 must send the bloom outward. Paint never de- 
 ceives anybody ; it is certain to give the face a 
 meretricious air. 
 
 So of all hair-dye, of touching up the eyebrows 
 and eyelashes. The young woman who does 
 these things soon becomes a marked character ; 
 all men discern it at a glance. 
 
 Also let her beware of strong perfumes. They 
 are not in good taste, not even in one's note-paper. 
 A box of oriental orris root powder on her dress- 
 ing-table, which has a healthy, clean fragrance 
 like violets, and some German cologne, are all that 
 a young lady needs (after cleanliness) to make 
 her the sweetest thing on the face of this earth. 
 
 Heavy musk, patchouli, attar of roses, or any of 
 the strong scents, are disagreeable to some peo- 
 ple, therefore should be avoided. 
 
 Cleanliness is the foundation of all elegance, all 
 beauty, all refinement and all physical merit and 
 health.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 37 
 
 The subject of cold or warm bathing must be 
 carefully approached To those who can bear a 
 cold bath, it is the most invigorating and delight- 
 ful of all ways ot beginning the day. A healthy 
 girl who can take a cold bath and then a horse- 
 back ride, and then eat a hearty breakfast, is 
 almost sure to be beautiful and happy. 
 
 But all cannot do these things with impunity. 
 Many young ladies have lost their health by too 
 much physical exercise, and are too delicate for 
 such robust treatment. A physician should be 
 consulted, and the young lady should obey him 
 strictly, for a woman absolutely needs her health, 
 and it is a great misfortune if she, through 
 imprudence, loses it early. Wet feet, draughts, 
 and abrupt change from heavy to light dress, 
 should be avoided. 
 
 A girl's mother, if all that she ought to be, will 
 take care of everything ; but, as we have said, 
 all girls have not prudent mothers — some, alas ! 
 none at all. Therefore, as American girls are 
 prone to take care of themselves, let them do it 
 in the right way. They should not walk in the 
 streets alone, nor conspicuously, often. All in- 
 vitations to gentlemen should proceed from the
 
 38 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 mother ; indeed, the mother should be first and 
 foremost in everything ; and happy is it for her 
 daughter, if she is still young, agreeable, culti- 
 vated, so that she is a pleasant factor at the sup- 
 pers, and dinners and balls which are given for 
 her daughter. Then all goes well. But if the 
 mother be dead, or necessarily absent, or ill, so 
 that she cannot chaperon her daughter, a chap- 
 eron must be obtained in some way. Society al- 
 lows a young lady to go nowhere alone, except 
 on horseback, and then a groom must ride behind 
 her. In England, the governess goes with the 
 young ladies to walk, shopping, and sometimes 
 into society ; but her functions end before the 
 grand ball, the ceremonious dinner. A lady of 
 social tact must be selected for that ofiSce. 
 
 In America there is little diflBculty in find- 
 ing a friend, some lady who will either occasion- 
 ally or always play that part to a friendless 
 girl. 
 
 The chaperon need not make herself up into a 
 Spanish duenna. She need not suspect an am- 
 bush, or a lover in every flirting of a fan ; yet she 
 should be watchful. She is the Providence of the 
 young lady. She knows the world, but the young
 
 THE AMERICA2f CODE OF MANNERS. 39 
 
 lady does not know it. She is the person to 
 prevent mistakes. She should see that her 
 charge does not make improper acquaintances. 
 She must watch the men who approach the young 
 lady, and keep off adventurers, too thickly swarm- 
 ing in all American society. She should discour- 
 age intimacies with those other young ladies, 
 who, having been out several seasons, have not 
 left very clear and superior records behind them. 
 To the girl just entering society it is a bewilder- 
 ing place, and the tinsel is as good as the gold. 
 The wise society matron knows it all, and knows 
 that the awakening from a dream of delight to a 
 cold and frightful reality is a thing which may 
 happen to any girl. Judiciously, truly, wisely, a 
 chaperon should shape a young girl's destiny by 
 warding off evil and encouraging all that is good, 
 sincere and noble in the character and actions. 
 When parents who have not been in society wish 
 to introduce a daughter, they can, with perfect 
 propriety, give a ball or other entertainment, and 
 invite many people whom they have not previously 
 visited. If those people do not choose to come, 
 no self-respect is lost. It is merely a form of 
 saying, on the part of some of them, that they
 
 40 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 ha\e acquaintances enough already ; no one need 
 feel hurt. Enough people will come, in nint 
 cases out of ten, if there is no moral objection tc 
 the inviting party. 
 
 A young lady, therefore, on entering society 
 has to consid several things. She must watch 
 her own manners ; if they are too gay, joyous and 
 striking, she may be misunderstood ; if they are 
 cold, haughty, repellent, she will have very little 
 success. Let her try for that j2isfe milieu which 
 is so charming in everything. She should be 
 courteous ; let her cultivate a graceful bow and 
 smile, which looks always kindly, and is a little 
 flattering. There is no insincerity in that. Lord 
 Houghton praised the bow and smile of one 
 American lady as being the best he had ever 
 seen; "It puts a crown ou one," he said. A 
 bow and smile should look as if they came from 
 the heart, where all good things come from. 
 
 She should consider her voice — very apt, in 
 America, to be loud, nasal, unpleasant. The 
 English women have great advantage of us here. 
 They speak lower, with a much better pronuncia- 
 tion than we do. Either our climate has affected 
 the throat unfavorably, or we have had bad
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 41 
 
 models for years. Certainly English people speak 
 our mother tongue better than we do. 
 
 Young ladies should not speak or laugh loud at 
 the theatre. Often a box-full of fashionable peo- 
 ple has rendered the neighborhood unpleasant 
 to those who would listen to an opera or a play. 
 This is very bad breeding, and renders the perpe- 
 trators obnoxious. 
 
 As for the great questions of love and mar- 
 riage, these young ladies must settle for them- 
 selves. Let them avoid secret engagements and 
 clandestine interviews, and, above all, be careful 
 how they write letters. They must remember 
 that what is written remains, and that half of the 
 trouble which women have met with in this life 
 has come from the writing of letters. 
 
 On the part of the chaperon, however, 
 there should be, respecting letters, a deli- 
 cacy and caution. While she should give 
 her charge the best advice, she has no 
 right to break a seal. The sacredness of 
 a seal is inviolate among well-bred people. In 
 this respect young people are always honestly 
 and justly tenacious of their rights. A mother, 
 even, has no right to open a letter addressed to
 
 42 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 her daughter ; a husband who opens his wife's 
 letters, or a wife who trifles with those ad- 
 dressed to her husband, cannot be too 
 severely condemned. These are innocent con- 
 fidences reposed in the one which are not in- 
 tended for the other, and the seal is a 
 lock which should not be picked. If a daughter 
 has not principle enough to confide in her mother, 
 no amount of espionage will make her confidential. 
 
 And here, as in all relations of life, honesty and 
 confidence beget honesty and confidence. Young 
 men and young women who are treated as upmi 
 honor rarely deceive their parents or guardians. 
 If a young man finds himself suspected and 
 watched by his teacher he feels immediately in- 
 spired to baffle him. If his teacher says, '* Young 
 gentleman, I put you upon your honor, and I 
 know that you will not deceive me," he is rarely 
 deceived. 
 
 If a young girl finds herseli dogged, watched 
 and suspected — if she detects her chaperon trying 
 to open her notes or furtively watching her — she 
 is very apt to think that double-dealing is the 
 proper thing, and to try to outwit the detective. 
 It is a mean, low, poor plan on both sides.
 
 THE AMERICAJSr CODE OF MANNERS. 43 
 
 In introducing a daughter, parents seldom or 
 nevei- put her name on the card. The highest 
 socia^ authorities in New York merely send the 
 usual form of evening inyitation : 
 
 Mrs. Walsingham 
 
 at hom£> 
 
 Thursday evening. February 9th, 
 
 Rt ten o'clock. 
 
 CotUlon, 
 
 On arriving at the ball the guests find the 
 young lady standing at her mother's right ha»"^ ; 
 she is introduced, and dances the German wltn 
 the gentleman whom her mother has selected to 
 lead the German, That Is all. 
 
 Several motherless young ladies, who have had 
 to introduce themselves, in New York, have done 
 it by means of a ladies' lunch. This is a very 
 pretty and proper way of beginning society life. 
 
 In the etiquette of the ball-room young ladies 
 should be very careful to keep their promises to 
 their various partners. Little books are fur- 
 nished as memorizers, and the same honor is im- 
 perative here as in greater things. Nothing is so 
 insulting to a young man as for a young lady to 
 forget or ignore these engagements.
 
 44 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 A young lady should never accept presents of 
 jewelry from any man, excepting the one to 
 whom she has promised her hand. And great 
 delicacy should be shown in allowing young men 
 to pay for tickets, to be mulcted for bouquets, 
 philopena presents, the hire of a carriage, etc. 
 If a lady is caught in the rain and a gentleman 
 hires a carriage for her and he pays for it, she 
 should inclose him the price of the carriage im- 
 mediately. There are three dreadful words used 
 about certain classes of young ladies in society ; 
 they are these: "sponge," "fast," "loud." 
 Let every young lady who hopes to succeed 
 avoid them all.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 45 
 
 CHAPTER m, 
 
 A TOUNG COUPLE ON THEIR ENTRANCE INTO 
 SOCIETY. 
 
 IT is hard to imagine a young couple who have 
 to begin life without acquaintances ; but the 
 fact exists. For those who have wealth, and 
 family, and position, therefore, the rules which we 
 are about to consider have no application. The 
 questions of which they treat have been long an- 
 swered for them. The " well-established " need 
 not read these papers. 
 
 But many a young man marries a lady from 
 anothei city, and brings her to New York (which 
 we will suppose to be the social centre of 
 American life) with no particular knowledge of 
 that best society which is the only circle into which 
 he wishes to see his wife introduced. The young 
 couple are all at sea— they are wanderers in a 
 trackless forest. 
 
 The question comes up : How shall they begin ? 
 Who is to find them ? Who is to drive the en- 
 tering wedgo into this dense block which we call
 
 46 THE AMEKICAJS' CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Society ? The answer generally is this : Acci- 
 dent, "the subruler of the universe," will lead 
 them to know somebody. The rector or clergyman 
 of their favorite church, the business partners of 
 the gentleman, or some old friend of the lady. 
 Somebody will turn up. It is very true that nice 
 young people do not long remain unknown, al- 
 though these early days are a lonely period for 
 the young married woman, who has left, we will 
 say, a very brilliant belledom in some distant 
 city to come to find social extinction in her new 
 home ; it is undoubtedly very hard. 
 
 It is a crucial test of character if a young and 
 pretty woman goes through these two or three 
 years of loneliness with amiability and without 
 committing any mistakes. She is exposed to 
 three dangers. 
 
 The first and greatest is this : If she be pretty, 
 a jaded man of fashion is apt to find her out, and 
 to promise to introduce her into fashionable 
 circles if she will consent to a flirtation with 
 him. This succeeds wonderfully at first, as all 
 empirical remedies are said to do, but it is apt to 
 be fatal in the end. 
 
 The second danger is that she, in her desire to
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 47 
 
 achieve the rank which she knows is hers, shows 
 too great a desire to be invited and to make ac- 
 quaintances, and she is then accused of ''push," 
 which is a fatal word. 
 
 The third danger is, that she accepts, in lieu of 
 the best acquaintances, second and third-rate 
 people, the hangers-on upon society, people who 
 have not the best or freshest reputation— the Mrs. 
 Leo Hunters, the Misses Bore and the Messrs. 
 Fraudulent, who are a large family. Society is 
 often deceived ; it sometimes indorses a villain ; 
 it often accepts a fraud ; and yet its general voice 
 is apt to be judicious and correct. People are 
 respected or not, as their characters deserve. 
 
 This is a general rule, which the exceptions 
 prove ; the best people, in every sense, continue 
 through time to be at the head of society. 
 
 As for the Mrs. Leo Hunters, the Misses Bore 
 and the Messrs. Fraudulent, they continue to hang 
 on to society by means of influential family ; of 
 certain, perhaps, agreeable traits of their own ; 
 or by that carelessness which leaves open the 
 doors of certain well-known fashionable houses. 
 The second-rate set is a set easy to get into, 
 ha.rd to get out of, for no people stick so close
 
 48 THE AMEBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 as those who are wholly undesirable. A young 
 woman should be very careful to form no inti- 
 macies with those whom she finds very easy and 
 very pertinacious early acquaintances in her new 
 life. 
 
 If she is reticent, if she is particular, if she 
 waits, some day a quiet lady in a plain bonnet 
 and dress will come in and give her name, and 
 say that she has heard of her young neighbor 
 and friend, and desires to know her, and lo I she 
 will find that the very first lady in the city has 
 called upon her, and that her social career will be 
 from that time only an upward and an onward 
 success. 
 
 If she is wise, if she only knows how to manage 
 It, if she has tact ! And if she has not tact, she 
 may as well give up any hope of success. 
 
 It is, of course, etiquette for a young married 
 pair to send their cards to all whom they wish to 
 know, and the bride does well to fix a day on 
 which to receive her friends. 
 
 This should extend through one or two months, 
 especially in a large city, as the world is busy, 
 and cannot always achieve an early visit. 
 
 If the means of the young couple will allow,
 
 THE AMEBIOAN OODB OF MANNERS. 49 
 
 they should begm a seaiim of little dinners, not 
 necessarily expensive ones, as a means of making 
 themselves popular and well known, for every- 
 body likes to be asked to dinner. 
 
 Lives there a man with soul so dead 
 
 That to himself he has not said 
 
 I like my neighbor's wine and bread,'* 
 
 was Sidney Smith's paraphrase of a well-known 
 poem. Dinners make you soon acquainted ; din- 
 ners are social. Everybody must dine, therefore 
 give one day of the week to a little dinner^if you 
 can. ^ 
 
 And if the young couple have but a neat maid- 
 servant, who wears a cap and knows her busi- 
 ness ; if the lady can carve a chicken— and all 
 ladies should know how to do that ; if the gen- 
 tleman has a good bottle of wine or two, and 
 genuine cigars ; if their house is neatly, quietly 
 furnished, with the last magazines on the table ; 
 if the welcome is cordial, and there is no fussy 
 pretense, no effort to appear to live beyond their 
 means, no noise, no fatal errors of character, 
 these little dinners will become very famous, 
 and will be preferred to the showy and the 
 grand dinners of the very rich, which are often
 
 50 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNBBS. 
 
 exceedingly dull, and but a payment of other 
 social debts. 
 
 But to achieve a perfect little dinner with small 
 means is a very great intellectual feat. It re- 
 quires service by no means common in America ; 
 it requires a great talent on the part of the young 
 hostess. If she tries and fails, let her give it up 
 and take an evening. 
 
 Evening receptions once were very fashion- 
 able in New York, and were most agreeable 
 forms of entertaining. They have become less 
 common, much to ^the disadvantage of society. 
 It would be well to reinstate them. A young mar- 
 ried woman who, in her fresh pretty house, wUl 
 have a musical evening or a conversation even- 
 ing, with but a cup of tea and a maccaroon for 
 refreshment, would soon find herself a power in 
 society if she has that infinite tact of a hostess 
 to make it agreeable. 
 
 But people are frightened off from simple enter- 
 tainments by the splendor of the great luxurious 
 suppers and dinners given by the very rich, and 
 it is a foolish fear. 
 
 If a young married woman has any specialty, 
 such as music, she soon gathers about her
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 51 
 
 a congenial circle ; if she has a taste for chari- 
 ties, she can in that way do a great deal 
 of good, and, at the same time, make more 
 acquaintances. 
 
 But this has been fearfully abused. One charity 
 in New York is now called the " Stepping 
 Stone," so many young women of ambitious 
 social propensities have joined it, simply that 
 they might know the very eminent ladies who 
 compose its board of directors. When a. woman 
 prostitutes her religion or her charity to the for- 
 warding of her fashionable position, she soon gets 
 found out, and not unf requently dropped. If she 
 is a sincere, good worker, she is appreciated 
 and recognized. But pretenders are neither. 
 A young married couple owe it to themselves to 
 be fastidious about the character of all their ac- 
 quaintances. In England a great respect for 
 moral character once existed in all the best 
 houses, and a line severely drawn against the 
 woman who had been even indiscreet. Lady 
 Holland was never received at Court, nor was 
 Lady Blessington. Men visited them, but their 
 wives did not. Now the very easy-going Princf 
 of Wales has broken down all these barriers, an.
 
 52 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 receives at his own house adventuresses of 
 American and European antecedents. 
 
 But there are many noble houses, and many 
 that are noble only in that they are strong in a 
 sense of what Is due to virtue and honor, in Eng' 
 land still, where the leniency of the Prince of 
 Wales (to call it by no other name) is not yet 
 practised, (rood society shuts its doors on the 
 man who has cheated at cards, or has abused his 
 trust : on the woman who has degraded the name 
 of wife and mother. The verdict of the young 
 housekeeper should be emphatically pronounced 
 against such — against loud, fast and wild girls ; 
 against vulgar and disreputable men, no matter 
 if they happen to wear an illustrious name, and 
 have a long account at their bankers ; nor should 
 they receive, if they hope for a long and honor- 
 able record in the city where they are to live, the 
 young married flirt, who is so particularly now a 
 prominent blot on the decency of our best society. 
 They are the traitors within the array-list, and 
 they deserve to be drummed out. 
 
 Tt is no doubt a severe temptation to a pretty 
 young woman, as she sits neglected in her back 
 parlor, to see the adventuress, the young married
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 53 
 
 flirt, succeed in carrying off all the best invita- 
 tions and all the social eclat. She even hears her 
 own husband speak with wonder and admiration 
 of the beauty and success of these women. 
 But, let her bide her time. Let her take 
 Patience as a handmaiden, and in a few years 
 she will see that her own good, modest character 
 has been worth all — all of the meretricious devices 
 of her neighbor, even in the lowest worldly inter- 
 pretation of the word '' success" — a word too 
 often profaned. 
 
 Let no young couple be ashamed of poverty. 
 It is a thistle which, when grasped, ceases to sting. 
 Nor let them be ashamed, for a few years, to 
 accept civilities from those who joyfully extend 
 them. The time for returning these will come. 
 
 In inviting guests to dinner, the hostess should 
 be in the parlor, waiting for her guests at least 
 five minutes before they arrive. She should have 
 anticipated every possible emergency, and have 
 seen, herself, that the dinner table is properly laid 
 and the wine cooled, the dining-room not over- 
 heated — that is a very common objection, and 
 ruins many a dinner. She should be cool, calm, 
 collected, smiling herself, and know exactly where
 
 o4 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 every one is to sit. The most distinguished gen- 
 tleman must sit at her own right hand, of course. 
 In inviting evening guests, both husband and 
 wife must remember that to sink one's self 
 in one's guests is the first phase of good 
 breeding. In any rank in life, to invite people to 
 show them your splendor, to exalt yourself, is the 
 perfection of vulgarity. 
 
 A yoimg couple devoted to each other some- 
 times make the mistake of showing their affection 
 too plainly in company. That was severely dealt 
 with by Charles Lamb in an immortal essay sev- 
 eral decades ago. It is a great offense against 
 good manners, as it puts every 0)»e else at a dis- 
 advantage. People of tact and taste never make 
 this mistake. Husband and wife at their own en- 
 tertainments should not take much notice of 
 each other : both should be devoted to their 
 guests. 
 
 The duty of writing notes will fall on the wife. 
 She should learn from all the best authorities the 
 most perfect forms. Her invitations should, for 
 dinner, be in the third person, and her familiar 
 notes should be signed with her own name. There 
 is an unaccountable American vulgarity abroad.
 
 IHE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 55 
 
 by believing in which married women sign their 
 names " Mrs." As, for instance, instead of 
 
 " Yours truly, 
 
 Mary L. Brown," 
 
 the lady signs herself 
 
 " Yours truly, 
 
 Mrs. James Brown." 
 
 This last form is wrong. Her husband might as 
 well sign his checks "Squire James Brown," or 
 " Captain Tompkins." 
 
 A married woman should either say 
 
 "Mrs. Brown desires the pleasure of your com- 
 pany," 
 
 or she should write in the first person and keep to 
 it, signing her baptismal name. 
 
 The husband's duty, in America, is to make the 
 money, the wife has her duty in spending it. He 
 works ; she is supposed to play. He makes the 
 fire, she tends it. Women carry on society ; yet 
 the man has his part, as at his clubs and his 
 dances and his suppers. But the Great Disposer 
 of events sometimes determines that the woman 
 shall be the bread-winner ; that she shall hold up
 
 56 THE AMEBICAH CODE OF MANNERfe. 
 
 her husband when he fails ; and, to the credit 
 of American women be it said, they have not 
 been slow to do this. In the last five dreadful 
 years of commercial distress the women have 
 shown enormous capacity for work. The story of 
 the Decorative Art Society, the history of litera- 
 ture, the various branches of science and art 
 for which women's work fits her, have a noble 
 story to tell of the devotion of women to a self- 
 imposed task. 
 
 And to the credit of society, be it spoken, this 
 power of work does not hurt a woman's position 
 in society. The butterflies respect the bees — an- 
 other tribute to the power of character. 
 
 All the good management, however, of a 
 model hostess cannot prevent accident. The cook 
 will get drunk at a most important dinner ; 
 the waiter may fall down and break the Sevres 
 porcelain ; husband may be kept down town 
 late, and be dressing in the very room where 
 the ladies are to take off their cloaks. In this 
 respect the American houses, except the so- 
 called English basement, are frightfully incon- 
 venient. 
 
 To all these desagrernentH a hostess must pre-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 57 
 
 sent a front of invincible self-possession and re- 
 pose. She must be 
 
 " Mistress of herself, though china falL" 
 
 And she should never talk of her health or her 
 servants. Let her remember that these topics 
 amuse no one but herself. 
 
 Invitations to dinner should be answered at 
 once, and all invitations should be answered 
 speedily if an answer is desired. Certain large 
 entertainments do not require that the invited 
 guests record themselves ; but to most invitations 
 the '*R. S. V. P." appended at the foot shows 
 that the hostess wishes to know whom she may 
 expect. 
 
 A young couple should be particulary respectful 
 to the older people in society : should return a 
 visit within a week or inclose a card, and should 
 leave no form of respect unpaid. Too many 
 young married couples, absorbed in their new 
 happiness, ignore these attentions; but if they do, 
 they suffer for it the remainder of their lives.
 
 58 THE AMEKICA>^ CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER rv. 
 
 DINNERS, LARGE AND SMALL — THEIR ETIQUETTE, 
 NUMBER OF COURSES ANT> LIMITATIONS. 
 
 t A MAN should, if he die after having ac- 
 J\ cepted an in\itation to dinner, leave 
 his executors in solemn charge to fill his place," 
 said Sidney Smith, in that vein of burlesque 
 solemnity with which his ample wit draped 
 all trifles. And the absurdity contains a truth. 
 Dinners are so carefully measured ; they 
 are so important to the host and hostess ; 
 they are the results of so much care and 
 thought, that every one is socially bound to 
 remember the engagement and keep it with 
 punctuality. 
 
 If illness or necessary absence from town 
 cause the invitee to regret, after having ac- 
 cepted, a note in the first person should 
 inform the hostess at the earliest possible mo- 
 ment, that she may invite somebody to fill the 
 place. 
 Invitations to dinner in New York, in the gay
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 59 
 
 season, are sent out a fortnight in advance. The 
 form is this : 
 
 "Mrs. Stevenson 
 requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown's 
 company at dinner, on February 22d, at seven 
 o'clock. 
 R. S. V. P. 17 East Kent street." 
 
 The answer should be — 
 
 " Mr. and Mrs. Brown have much pleasure in 
 accepting the polite invitation of 
 Mrs. Stevenson 
 for dinner on February 22d. 
 
 22 Remington street. 
 February 7th." 
 
 Or, if they decline — 
 
 " Mr. and Mrs. Brown regret that a previous en- 
 gagement will prevent their acceptance of 
 
 Mrs. Stevenson's 
 very polite invitation for dinner on February 
 
 22d. 
 
 32 Remington street." 
 
 Always allow a line for the name of your 
 hostess. 
 The invitation does not enter into particulars.
 
 60 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 unless you are asked to meet some distinguished 
 person. Then the card reads — 
 
 " Mrs. Stevenson 
 requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown's 
 company on Tuesday, February 22d, at seven 
 o'clock, 
 
 To meet the Swedish Minister." 
 
 In answering, the simple form mentioned above 
 is all that is necessary. 
 
 Much talk has taken place lately about the use 
 of the letters *' R. S. V. P.," some thinking it 
 unnecessary. The fact remains that the best 
 people use them. It simply means " an answer 
 is requested" (under the elegant veil of '' Be- 
 pondezsHl voiis plait, ^^ which sounds more polite). 
 It is not put on all cards, as, for instance, to a 
 tea or a reception, because then the hostess does 
 not care to know exactly who are coming. 
 
 But a dinner invitation .-should be answered 
 quickly and positively. Never hint at any con- 
 tingency, but give your ho.stess the simple assur- 
 ance that you will come, or that you will not 
 come. Never say that you 'would come if so 
 and so." Now for the dinner. Never attempt to 
 give a dinner unless you are sure of your cook
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 61 
 
 and your waiter — that both are very .yoorZ (unless 
 you give your dinner a la Btisse, and order 
 everything from a restaurant. These are not the 
 best dinners. The dishes are apt to be cold, 
 greasy and poor unless you have the very best 
 restaurant in the world at hand). 
 
 The best dinners are those given by excellent 
 housekeepers, whose domestic service is perfect, 
 who have a good cook who is famous for in- 
 dividual dishes, and with a waiter who is at hottie, 
 and who can call in, if he needs them, some men 
 to help him. 
 
 The American habit of hiring the same 
 waiters who have just served at a neighbor's 
 house led to a very curious mistake from a 
 foreign nobleman. Looking at a well-known old 
 black man, who used to serve at all the dinners, 
 he remarked: "What a very singular resem- 
 blance the colored race bear to each other. Now 
 I could swear I had seen your butler at every 
 dinner I have eaten in New York." This habit 
 of hiring a "set of retainers " had never oc- 
 curred to the nobleman. 
 
 " The little dinners," therefore, of eight or ten. 
 cooked in the house, served by the servants of
 
 R2 THE AMERICAN CODE r)F MAN>T;RS. 
 
 the family, simple and short dinners, are the 
 most agreeable, the most flattering as atten- 
 tions, and require, if given often, a far greater 
 care and expenditure of thought than the one 
 splendid show dinner. 
 
 Now the hostess who aspires to the reputation 
 of a " good dinner giver " must remember four 
 things : Her room must not be too wann. nor 
 her light too glaring : she must have a first-rate 
 cook, and .she must select congenial people. These 
 laws may be extended into a thousand ramifica- 
 tions V but they are four cardinal principles. 
 A room so warm that it causes the flowers 
 to wither will be necessarily withering to the 
 brains of the diners. Eating makes people warm : 
 therefore your dining-room should be cool. It is 
 the common American mistake to overheat 
 rooms. The gaslight helps this heat, and, there- 
 fore, many hostesses are using candles and lamps. 
 The latter, though verj- fashionable, are hor- 
 ribly inconvenient, and often go out on the din- 
 ner table, causing a smell and a smudge which 
 ruins every one's appetite. Candles are very 
 pleasing, but they drip and make trouble. Let 
 us hope that the electric light is coming, and that
 
 THE AMERICAN COT»E OF MANNERS. 6'^ 
 
 it will supersede gas, candles and lamps. Shades 
 are now so generally introduced that there is 
 little trouble about a glare of light. 
 
 "To be composed" is a difficult thing for a 
 young hostess. She is essentially nervous and 
 anxious, particularly if she is just beginning to 
 entertain. But here she must resolutely put on a 
 mask of composure and "assume a virtue if she 
 has it not. " Nothing is of so much importance as 
 her own demeanor ; if that is dignified and quiet, 
 she triumphs. A fussy hostess who scolds the 
 servants, wrinkles her brow, or even forgets to 
 listen to the man who is talking to lier, is the 
 ruin of a dinner. The author of "Cecil "tells 
 his niece to see " stewed puppy-dog served with- 
 out noticing it." Few hostesses have so severe 
 an ordeal as that would be demanded of them, 
 but the maxim is a good one. 
 
 The company should be congenial. This is a 
 hard rule to follow, and requires tact and intelli- 
 gence. Remember the golden rule, and " do unto 
 others as you would that they should do unto 
 you," so do not invite a party thoughtlessly. 
 simply to pay your debts ; tr>' to remem- 
 ber if there has been a family qtiarrel
 
 M THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 or any reason why your friends would not like to 
 meet each other. Remember that it is best to 
 mix the different ages and styles of person. Do 
 not get into ruts, or invite only the young or only 
 the elderly. The gracious Lord has put us in fam- 
 ilies—fathers, mothers, children; and the most 
 agreeable parties are those where the same rule 
 of nature is observed. 
 
 All extremes of luxury and every element of 
 profusion are now fashionable, but there is one 
 simple dinner which covers the whole ground and 
 to which the poor gentleman may aspire, and to 
 which he might invite a prince. The essentials 
 of a perfect dinner are but few. The beauty of 
 a Grecian vase without ornaments is perfect. 
 You may add cameo and intaglio, vine, acanthus 
 leaf, satyrs and fawns, handles of ram's horns 
 and circlet of gems to your vase if you wish and 
 are rich enough ; but unless the outline is perfect, 
 the splendor and the arabesque but make the vase 
 vulgar. So with the simple dinner ; it is the un- 
 adorned Grecian vase. With the splendid dinner, 
 if these first rules are observed, the added luxury 
 does not hurt it ; it is the Grecian vase heavily 
 ornamented.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 65 
 
 A perfectly clean, fine damask table-cloth, 
 napkins of equally delicate fabric, spotless glass 
 and silver, and pretty china — everything as neat 
 as wax ; the middle of the table furnished with 
 growing plants in a low basket or high vase 
 with cut flowers, as the hostess pleases — these 
 are the beginning. Put a dinner roll in the nap- 
 kin (which is simply folded) at each plate ; have 
 chairs that are high enough ; low chairs at a din- 
 ner are distressing, bringing the arms below the 
 proper angle for the knife and fork. Each place 
 should have four or five glasses for the different 
 wines and a goblet for water. If these glasses 
 are of different colors it adds to the beauty of 
 the table. The dessert of candied fruits may be 
 in pretty glass or silver dishes. This is a simple 
 dinner, but good enough for a gourmet; put 
 none of it on the table — let it be served from the 
 side table : 
 
 Oysters on the half-shell. 
 Sherry. Soupe a la Reine. Sherry. 
 
 1 Shad or Salmon, with ) 
 White wine. ] cucumbers or Green Peas. \ ^''''^^ 
 Burgundy , Filet de Boeuf aux 
 
 and < Champignons. 
 Champagne. ' Fried Potatoes.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAXNERS. 
 
 Madeira. 
 
 Roman Punch. 
 Salad of Lettuce or Tomatoes 
 and Cold Chicken. 
 Sherry, j Ices and Jellies. Cheese. 
 
 Port. I Fruit. 
 
 Coffee. 
 Liqueur. 
 
 That is not an expensive dinner or a splendid 
 dinner, but it is essentially a good dinner. 
 The serving of the wine is sometimes altered by 
 the taste of the gentleman of the house. Thus, 
 many gentlemen like old Madeira before the 
 sweets, although others serve it after the dessert. 
 The champagne should be served after the fish 
 and with the piere de r^insfance, as the heaviest 
 dish is called. 
 
 Such a dinner as this can be given once a week 
 by people of moderate fortune to a party of eight or 
 ten without extravagance, and it is as safe to say, 
 with good company it is the most enjoyable kind. 
 
 From this up to the millionaire dinners, served 
 on gold and silver and priceless Sevres, Dresden, 
 Japanese and Chinese plates, with flagons of ruby 
 glass bound with gold, with Benvenuto Cellini 
 vases and silver candelabra, the ascent is gradual.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 67 
 
 The table-cloth is often of openwork lace w^er a 
 color, with red velvet mat under the splendid silver 
 epergne, which is lined with mirror. The mats are 
 mirrors ; the crystal drops of the epergne flash like 
 diamonds. Each lady has a bouquet, a fan, a rib- 
 bon painted with her name, a basket or hoyibon- 
 ni'ere to take home with her. The courses are 
 often sixteen in number, the wines are of fabu- 
 lous value, antiquity and age— each drop is like 
 the River Pactolus, whose sands were of gold. 
 The viands are brought from Algiers to St. 
 Petersburg. Strawberries and peaches in Janu- 
 ary, the roses of June in February, pears from 
 San Francisco, artichokes from Marseilles, 
 oranges and strawberries from Florida, game 
 from Arizona and Chesapeake Bay, and mutton 
 and pheasants from Scotland, green peas from 
 France and caviare from Russia often meet on 
 the same dinner table. For a splendid dinner 
 take this : 
 
 Oysters on the half -shell. 
 
 Soups. 
 
 Chicken consomme a I'ltalienne. 
 
 Sherry. Puree of Green Peas. Sherry 
 
 Fish. 
 
 Salmon.
 
 68 THE AMERICAN fODE OF M ANKERS. 
 
 Hock. 
 
 Spanish Mackerel a la Maitre i 
 
 d'Hotel. j Chateau 
 
 Soft-shell crabs farcies. ( Yquem. 
 
 I Tomato and Cucumber Salad. I 
 
 Champagne \ ^^^^^^ ^^ ^^"*^°^- / 
 FrappI J ^^^^^ ^® ^^^^^ a la r Claret. 
 Milanaise. 
 Petites timbales aux Champignons. 
 Cotelettes d'Agneau a la Puree de Marrons. 
 Terrapin. 
 Riz de Veau. 
 Roman Punch. 
 Champagne, f Canvas-back Ducks i 
 Johannis- -! Squabs, Quail. K'erman wines. 
 berger. IPerdrixauxTruffesJ Steinberger. 
 Asparagus. 
 Broiled Mushrooms on Toast. 
 Madeira. Artichokes, with sauce. Port. 
 
 (Cabinet Pudding. ] 
 Tutti Fruitti. 
 Glaces, Dessert Fruit, Bm-gundy. 
 etc., etc. J 
 
 Coffee. Liqueur. 
 
 To attempt, however, to give bills of fare would 
 be to crowd the book of etiquette. Only general 
 rules can be laid down. In quiet places, where 
 neither French cooking can be obtained nor is 
 desired, let the hostess herself superintend, and 
 her diimer may be as good as that of Del-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 6& 
 
 monico. Her soup must be made the day 
 before, so that it will be free from grease, as pure 
 as wine. Her fish must be fresh; trout from 
 the brook would be the very best in the world. 
 Her roast must be perfectly cooked before the 
 fire, not inside of a stove. Fresh flowers or ferns 
 must adorn her clean table-cloth, and such fruits 
 as are in season can be added as dessert. Her 
 pudding, if made by her own fair hands, will be 
 the best in the world ; and, above all, her tact 
 and self possession, like her good bread and clear 
 coffee, will make the guests forget the absence of 
 expensive wines and rich viands. 
 
 The ceremony of taking people in to dinner is 
 this : The host goes first with the lady to whom 
 the dinner is given, the hostess always last with 
 principal gentleman guest. All the guests 
 should have their places marked by a card, 
 and in the hall or ante-room each gentle- 
 man should find the card indicating which 
 lady he is to take in to dinner. Thus, if 
 Sir Edward and Lady Thornton asked General 
 and Mrs. Grant to dinner, Sir Edward would 
 go first, with Mrs. Grant ; after all the guests had 
 •ontered, Lady Thornton would bring up the rear
 
 tU THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 with General Grant, whom she would place at her 
 right hand, always the high seat of honor. No 
 gentleman should wear a dress coat at an early 
 dinner in the country; dress coats belong to 
 seven o'clock dinners. 
 
 The limitations of a dinner should be consid- 
 ered. It is not kind to guests to keep them more 
 than two hours at table. The French dinners 
 never last more than one hour. English dinners 
 are too long and too heavy. The Prince of 
 Wales is setting the fashion of short dinners. In 
 New York and Washington very elaborate din- 
 ners last from seven to half-past ten, and are 
 sometimes very tiresome. 
 
 It is better to serve coffee in the drawing-room, 
 although, at informal dinners, it is served at the 
 table. Gentlemen remain to smoke in the dining- 
 room in some houses ; in others they are taken to 
 a Ubrary or smoking-room. The practice of the 
 ladies retiring first is an English one. French- 
 men consider it barbarous. It is, however, prac- 
 ticed in the best horses of New York and 
 Washington, and it is a question if the ladies do 
 not like it as weU as the gentlemen. They enjoy 
 a little chat by themselves.
 
 THE AMEKICAN CODE OF MANNBBS. 71 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 STATE DINNERS, FORMAL DINNERS, AND FAMOUS 
 DINNERS. 
 
 IT is strange that the Russians, so lately re- 
 deemed from barbarism, have taught the 
 world how to serve a dinner. All diplomatic 
 dinners, all state dinners, and most fashionable 
 dinners, are served d la litcuse ; which means that 
 nothing appears on the table to eat, but all is 
 handed by the servants from a side table or from 
 behind a screen. 
 
 General Washington probably carved his own 
 turkey, even at a state dinner, but President 
 Hayes does not know at all what he is to have for 
 his dinner until he looks at the menu by his side, 
 which was laid there by his butler. 
 
 The dinner-table is merely a splendid picture, 
 which remains a picture tb the end, unless some 
 one is so unlucky as to overturn a glass of claret 
 on the table-cloth. The ^pergne or centrepiece 
 in England is generally a splendid piecS of silver, 
 covered with flowers and fruits, with a ''hot-
 
 72 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA>-NERS. 
 
 house pine " somewhere in it or about it. Fine 
 candelabra and vases are at either end, and 
 dishes, holding sugar plums and dried can- 
 died fruit, are at the four comers. Very 
 handsome pitchers of glass, holding wine, 
 and elegant decanters are allowable. In 
 fact, everything ornamental is allowed, and 
 nothing that can by use become unseemly is ad- 
 mitted to such a dinner. We all know how 
 disorderly, at certain moments, a dinner looks 
 at which the car\ing and helping at table are 
 allowed. In the dinner a la Jimne the table always 
 looks well, for the plate before each guest, con- 
 stantly renewed, is alone responsible for any 
 viand. The company enter, a.s we have said, the 
 host first, with the lady to whom the dinner is 
 given, and hi.s guests follow, each gentleman 
 standing behind his lady's chair until the hostess 
 has entered and taken her seat. They find before 
 them oysters or clams on the half -shell, on 
 majolica plates, with bits of lemon in the centre 
 of the plate. The servants pass red and black 
 pepper and salt. These are removed and two 
 soups are p^sed, so that each guest lias a choice 
 of soups. These removed, two choices of fish
 
 THE AMBRIOAN CODE OF MANNERS. 73 
 
 are offered to each guest, and so on, through an 
 elaborate dinner of from ten to sixteen courses, 
 the table meanwhile remaining a beautiful, fresh 
 thing, with flowers and fruits and charming objets 
 cfart to look at. The butler should always place 
 the principal dish for a moment before the hostess, 
 that she may signify by a nod if she is pleased 
 with it. 
 
 Books of etiquette sometimes elaborately tell 
 people how to use a napkin and how to hold a 
 fork. But it seems incredible that in the nine- 
 teenth century anybody can be ignorant of these 
 simple customs. If there is such a person, let 
 him know that it is not etiquette to pin a napkin 
 up to his coat, or to spread it over his breast. It 
 should be across his knees, convenient to his 
 hand. The fork should always be held in the right 
 hand for eating oysters, peas, or anything that is 
 to be conveyed to the mouth, and only trans- 
 ferred to the left hand when meat is to be cut, 
 and it is needed to steady the morsel. 
 
 In Europe, particularly in Germany, very well- 
 bred people still eat with the knife ; but in this 
 country, in France and England, it is semi-bar- 
 barous to bring the knife in contact with the lips.
 
 74 THE AJVfERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 It often shocks well-bred Americans to see a Ger- 
 man princess carry cauliflower, peas or potato 
 salad to her delicate mouth on the point of a 
 silver knife, but such a sight is possible. It is 
 very ugly, and should be avoided here. 
 
 The custom of serving dinners d la Hftn^ie should 
 prevent any one from asking for a dish a second 
 time ; indeed, this is never done at a state din- 
 ner. There is little need of it. 
 
 We have spoken of the ei)ergne. The fancy 
 now, in this country, is to replace the high orna- 
 ments by low baskets of flowers, and to do away 
 with everything which prevents conversation 
 across the table. Low dishes of majolica, crys- 
 tal and silver are liked by some. Very many opu- 
 lent hostesses have the table entirely covered 
 with flowers, and only a space left for the plate, 
 knives, forks and glasses of each guest. This is 
 very beautiful, especially in mid-winter, and for a 
 round table, which is very sociable, it i.** quite 
 charming. But the high ^pergne is very stately, 
 and makes a table always look well. A pretty 
 and simple (^pergne, which holds flowers for every 
 day, is always a charming object. 
 
 Be very careful to avoid mistakes as to the hour
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAXNER3. 75 
 
 of a dinner. Five minutes grace " was all that 
 General Washington allowed, and we could fol- 
 low his example in this as in larger things. A 
 half hour's delay spoils the fish and makes the 
 cook lose his temper. One great *• diner out," in 
 New York, always carries his invitations with 
 him, so that if he seems late or early he may de- 
 fend himself in his own eyes by glancing at it in 
 the hall. 
 
 A small bout&iini^re or bunch of flowers awaits 
 him with a card in an envelope, which tells a 
 gentleman, before entering the parlor, which lady 
 he is to take in to dinner. If he does not know 
 her, he must whisper ^his to the hostess, who 
 will present him to the lady. 
 
 At a dinner, forget all animosities. If you are 
 seated next to your deadliest enemy, talk and 
 laugh and make yourself agreeable, to spare your 
 host and hostess annoyance. Everybody is 
 bound to be as agreeable as he can for the benefit 
 of the whole mass. 
 
 Be careful, if you have not experienced serv- 
 ants, to instruct them in everjthing before din- 
 ner. Have plenty of side tables and sideboards, 
 where the extra dishes, knives, forks, plates,
 
 76 THE A.MBRICAJf CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 spoons and glasses may be found. Have extra 
 napkins at hand to replace one which may be 
 stained with wine. No condiments should ever 
 be put on a table except salt, of which every 
 guest should have a little private silver cell be- 
 fore him. After the meats and game, a servant 
 should go with a crumb scraper, removing the 
 o.rurabs, and another with a silver salver to re- 
 move all the glasses, except those for sherry or 
 Madeira, or a goblet for ice water, all ladies 
 liking ice water in America. 
 
 The butler mentions the name of the wine 
 before pouring it. If you do not wish it, 
 touch your glass with your finger, with a motion 
 which checks him. It is proper to ask for bread, 
 for water, or for champagne, at a dinner. These 
 substances alone seeming to be always desirable, 
 and served n^ Jibitntn. 
 
 The host has his duty plainly marked out before 
 him. Above all things he must be attentive to 
 the ladies on either side of him : he must encour- 
 age the timid, draw out the silent, throw the ball 
 of conversation down the table, remember every 
 man's specialty and draw him out: he must 
 try to simulate ease and frankness, and bon-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 77 
 
 hcmimie, even if he has not these virtues ; he 
 must never show temper, even if the butler is 
 drunk. Let a host avoid all boasting of his wines ; 
 he can mention their age, and beg of his guest to 
 taste his '^ Steinberger of '46," or his "Claret 
 of the Comet year," or his " OM Warrior Ma- 
 deira," but he should not show ostentation, or 
 remark upon the rout of anything. The model 
 host makes himself only felt by his munificence, 
 as a stream announces its presence by the ver- 
 dure along its banks. But all hosts are not mil- 
 lionaires, and yet would like to give dinners. 
 
 A maid-servant in a neat cap and apron can 
 be taught to serve a dinner as well as a man. 
 She can have a side table on which she de- 
 posits the soup tureen, and from which she 
 helps all the guests. A maid-servant should 
 be (if she is the waiter) taught to carve, so 
 that she can save her employer all trouble. Two 
 women often serve a dinner elegantly in Eng- 
 land, and can be taught to do so in this country. 
 The great point is to have things done neatly 
 and quietly. 
 
 If a gentleman still chooses (like General Wash- 
 ington) to do his own carving, he should have his
 
 78 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 knife sharp and learn to cut a joint or a bird sit- 
 ting. Ladies often carve elegantly, and it was 
 considered indispensable by our grandmothers 
 that every lady should have this accomplishment. 
 It is, however, rapidly going out, and nowadays 
 the tea and coffee at breakfast are often served 
 from a side table, and all the dishes passed to the 
 guests even at breakfast. 
 
 The objection to the old fashion is that it takes 
 away the attention of the hostess from her guests 
 if she has to serve ever>' dish. Certainly for a 
 large dinner, a ceremonious dinner, it would be 
 impossible. 
 
 A dinner table should not bo crowded. If the 
 room is large enough, a dinner of twenty-four is 
 just as agreeable offen as a dinner of ten. It de- 
 pends on the companion next to you in all cases. 
 
 On rising from the table the gentlemen some- 
 times accompany the ladies to the parlor, and 
 then return to smoke, and sometimes only go to 
 the door, always remaining standing till the 
 ladies have disappeared. 
 
 Except at Washington, Albany, Harrisburg, or 
 other cities where official position is especially 
 recognized, we do not in this country observe
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 79 
 
 official rank at a dinner party. A governor or a 
 mayor is asked to sit anywhere, without loss of 
 consequence or dignity. Mrs. Stevenson may 
 give a dinner to Mrs. Brown, and there may be 
 a govemof , an admiral, a mayor and a general in 
 the company ; yet she takes in Mr. Brown. That 
 is our republican way of doing things. In Wash- 
 ington there must be some show of respect to the 
 Diplomatic Corps ; but even there, senators, 
 judges and even foreign Ministers sit wherever 
 their hostess chooses to place them. 
 
 The President, of course, being our highest 
 official, is always the guest at any house which 
 he chooses to visit, and he should never be asked 
 to sit anywhere but at the right hand of the 
 hostess. To him and to his family the American 
 people always give willing precedence. 
 
 The rmnu, or bill of fare, is generally written 
 in French, as oiu" cooks are generally men of 
 foreign birth, who understand that language bet- 
 ter than any other. It is a pity that there is not 
 an English vocabulary for these delicate dishes 
 which form the staple of our splendid dinners. 
 Yet French is generally understood. To trans- 
 late it literally makes great nonsense. People
 
 80 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAN^^;R8. 
 
 must learn that " vol au vent de volaille " means 
 simply chicken pie, and that " cotelettes a la 
 financiere" are nothing but mutton chops with 
 truffles and coxcombs, and that " pommes de 
 terre aux maitre d'liotel '' are simply boiled po- 
 tatoes, and so on. The knowledge is easily tic- 
 quired. 
 
 Colored cooks are notably good ones. The 
 Baltimore cookery is world-renowned ; and that of 
 New England, where recipes were handed from 
 generation to generation, was sometimes exqui- 
 site. We need not be dependent on French cook- 
 ery. But there is au American ignorance which 
 is startling on the subject of cookery, and if 
 ladies do not study it a.s an art, it >\ill, in the 
 rural districts, be .-^oon impossible to get a good 
 dinner. 
 
 To fry things, to bake meats in hot ovens, to 
 abjure the gridiron, to ruin a beefsteak and to 
 kill the juicy excellence of a roast, these are our 
 national sins. To cook indigestible lumps of pas- 
 try, to feed a nation on pies, on heavy bread— 
 who can expect greatness, wisdom or honesty 
 from a nation of moody dyspeptics V 
 
 The dinner question is in the hands of the
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 81 
 
 women. What woman does not like to see her 
 table neat and attractive ? How many aids she 
 has now, in the beauty of the modem glass and 
 china, the profusion and cheapness of flowers, 
 the excellence of canned vegetables, making her 
 independent of the seasons, and in the profusion 
 of the American markets. Foreigners say that 
 we throw away enough at any meal to support 
 another family. 
 
 Dinner cards have come in, in great variety, on 
 which the visitor's name can be written. These, 
 painted, etched, engraved and ornamented with 
 flowers, feathers and Japanese figures, are in 
 tremendous variety at all stationers and jewelers. 
 Those are the prettiest which are done by the 
 young people of the house or the lady herself, 
 with quotations from Shakespeare or the poets. 
 They show a personal thought, which is always 
 complimentary. One should read of famous din- 
 ners. There i.s an account in Brillat Savarin's 
 "Book on Taste" (** Physiologic du Gout")— 
 a charming account by Lady Morgan of 
 a dinner at Baron Rothschild's, which is 
 worth reading now, to see how little the 
 formal European dinner has changed. Charles
 
 82 THE AMEMCAK C01>« OF MANNERS. 
 
 Lever's books are full of dinners, and so are Biil- 
 wer's. The Englishman considers that he has 
 done his duty by you if he asks you to dinner, 
 and nowhere does a man of good English position 
 appear so well as at his own dinner table. The 
 best of everything he has is at your disposal. 
 
 The old, inconvenient habit of changing the 
 table-cloth is done away with ; the guests are not 
 now troubled. That was the result of the " carv- 
 ing-at-table" process, which was likely to endan- 
 ger the purity of the cloth. If all the meats are 
 carved elsewhere the cloth remain.^ immaculate. 
 
 The fashion of drinking healths has passed 
 away. The modem dinner is a very unceremo- 
 nious thing compared with the dinner of General 
 Washington's time. It has steadily increased in 
 elegance and has decreased in ceremony and stiff-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 53 
 
 CHAPTER ^^. 
 
 RECEPTIONS, TEAS, LUNCHEONS. 
 
 THE "reception," so called in modern 
 parlance, is simply a party by daylight. 
 The gas is lighted, the daylight excluded ; the 
 hostess and her intimate friends are in beautiful 
 toilette, the gayest dresses, but always in ''high 
 neck," or ••orsage montmit, as the French say, and 
 with hair very much dressed. 
 
 Their female guests come in street dresses and 
 bonnets ; their male friends in frock coats and 
 gray trowsers — decidedly derai-toilette. This is 
 an anomaly, as it is an anomaly that the bride is 
 always in full evening dress, while the bridegroom 
 is in morning costume ; but etiquette has so or- 
 dained it, and etiquette must be observed. 
 
 These entertainments are usually very large, 
 and a splendid collation is served. They are 
 liked by many housekeepers, as being the most 
 convenient way of entertaining, and as saving the 
 servants from being up late at night. 
 
 The drawback to such entertainments is this :
 
 84 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAN^TERS. 
 
 very few gentlemen can spare the time to go in 
 the daytime to make calls or visits. Therefore 
 the attendance is largely feminine. 
 
 The lady guests who attend wear dressy bon- 
 nets — generally white ones — and a gown which 
 is not too heavy, as the rooms are invariably 
 too warm. A heavy cloak is thrown off in the 
 hall, as it is dangerous to go out into the cold 
 air with only the dress proper to such an atmo- 
 sphere as an American house alone can create. 
 The invitations to these receptions are formal, 
 and are generally sent out in New York a fort- 
 night in advance. The form rs as follows : 
 
 Mra. Majoribanks, 
 
 At home, 
 
 Wednesday, March 31st, « 
 
 From 3 to 0. 
 
 R. 8. V. P. 17 E. Kent street. 
 
 No response is necessary ; the hostess makes 
 preparation for the number of guests whom she 
 has invited. 
 
 On entering, the guest places a card on the 
 table. If she cannot be present at the reception, 
 she should send a card in an envelope. 
 
 After these entertainments, which are parties,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. S5 
 
 people should call : but after the more informal 
 "teas" now so fashionable, calls are not ex- 
 pected. They were invented to save the per- 
 son of voluminous acquaintance from the gene 
 of making calls on all friends, which, in the 
 great city of New York, becomes an impossi- 
 biUty. 
 
 " Tea at four o'clock " is at once so cheap, 
 and so easy a form of entertaining, that it 
 is quite within the reach of every enter- 
 tainer. A lady sends out her visiting card with 
 the words written in one corner, " Thursdays 
 In April, tea at four o'clock," and she then 
 quietly stays at home, with a tea-table spread, 
 merely with the tea-urn, a few cups and saucers, 
 and a basket of cake, and the claims of society 
 are satisfied. She need do nothing further, 
 nor make a call unless she chooses, for the 
 season. 
 
 It is a very pretty fashion, and if it could be 
 kept to its original design, which was intended to 
 supplement the great ball and the large reception, 
 it would be well. 
 
 Unfortunately, it has been considered as a prec- 
 edent by those who could do more for society,
 
 86 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 and has been turned into an evening party by the 
 hostess, who thus escapes expense and trouble. 
 Also, but one '• tea" is given, when many should 
 be allowed, to make up for the distance and the 
 numberless "teas'" which on Satiu-days, in the 
 season, conflict with each other. 
 
 On certain days of the cold winter of 1878-79. 
 often nine *' teas'" were announced for one Sat- 
 urday. It was impossible to "do " them all, and 
 there was ver5' little amu.semen. to be derived 
 from any of them, if done hastily. 
 
 But. as they are convenieui, they will always re- 
 main fashionable in the great crowded cities. 
 Only let it be observed that these are not parties, 
 and therefore they do not need the subsequent 
 ceremony of a card — if a person has attended the 
 original "tea."' 
 
 It too often becomes the fashion to substitute 
 elaborate dressing on the part of the ladies of the 
 family at these teas for the plain dres? which 
 merely an " at home" demands, and to make them 
 gas-lighted, crowded and disagreeable pretenses 
 for parties, when they should remain only " teas " 
 or quiet " at homes." 
 
 A young lady should never iaiue her own card
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 87 
 
 for a reception or tea. If she is motherless, her 
 card should read thus : 
 
 Mr. and Miss Charpentier, 
 
 At home, 
 
 Thursday, February 2d, 
 
 At 3 o'clock, 
 
 etc., etc. 
 
 Or her chaperon should send the card, with 
 the young lady's card inclosed. 
 
 Numerals are only permitted in dates, hours 
 and street numbers. Elisions are not permitted 
 at all, or abbreviations. Let your friend see that 
 you lins:er as long as possible over your note ; it 
 is a respectful compliment. 
 
 The invitation to a luncheon usually requires 
 an answer. '* R. S. V. P." is usually appended. 
 When it is not, one may presume that the lady 
 has asked so many that she does not require an 
 answer, and that the luncheon is to be served as 
 a collation to every one who approaches the 
 table. 
 
 There are ver>' few persons, however, who are 
 offended at punctiliousness, and therefore, if a 
 person wishes to send a regret or an acceptance
 
 88 THE AMEKTOAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 to such an invitation, it is proper to do so. But 
 no leader of society is offended at the omission, 
 unless, of course, it be an invitation to dinner, or 
 to a " sit down lunch,"' and to those invitations 
 '' R. S. V. P." is always appended. 
 
 Young gentlemen should make an evening call. 
 in full dress, some time within a month after being 
 invited to a reception, dinner or limch. on the 
 lady who has invited them. If they get in, the 
 call should last less than an hour : if they do not 
 get in, but leave a card, their visit will be properly 
 commended and set down to their credit by their 
 amiable hostess. 
 
 Many ladies are now introducing dancing at day 
 receptions and at • teas." Music is also added as 
 an attraction. In a crowded room, where people 
 are coming and going, this is objectionable, as 
 there are few who enjoy music while being inter- 
 rupted, and few houses are large enough for 
 dancing and receiving. The hostess is also dis- 
 tracted by having to listen to both talk and music. 
 The only place where this can be well done is at 
 Newport, where the houses are large, the com- 
 pany so familiar with each other, and, with the 
 customs of the place, that all arrive about the
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 89 
 
 time. At a reception to the President or 
 any distinguished man, everybody is bound to be 
 punctual. The card should set forth the hour. 
 The most distinguished lady in the United States 
 has her hour engraved thus : "At half -past 
 nine precisely,^' and her example may be well 
 followed. 
 
 The table may groan with all the luxuries, or it 
 may simply bear a few sandwiches, ices, coffee, 
 tea, chocolate, punch and oysters, as the lady 
 pleases. Heavy and elaborate day lunches are 
 unhealthy and interfere mth a seven-o'clock 
 dinner. A well-bred host errs on the side of 
 plainness rather than that of a heavy over- 
 munificence. 
 
 Ladies should not wear jewelry in the morning, 
 particularly at their own houses. The hostess 
 should always be plainly dressed, so that her 
 guests be not made to feel ashamed of a quiet 
 toilette. 
 
 Evening parties are far more formal, and re- 
 quire the best and most elaborate dress. Every- 
 one who can wear alow cut dress (decollete) should 
 do so. At an evening party in New York, people 
 go at eleven o'clock— a ridiculously late hour—
 
 90 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAXNER3. 
 
 unless the hostess defines the hour, as is often 
 done, in this way : 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, 
 
 At home, 
 
 Thursday evening, March 17th. 
 
 From 9 to 11. 
 
 R. S. V. P. 
 
 Some sticklers for a perfect etiquette say that 
 no lady has a right to demand an answer to an 
 "at home:" she should say. if she expects an 
 answer • 
 
 Mrs. Campbell 
 
 Requests the pleasure 
 
 Of Mrs. So-and-So's Company 
 
 On Thursday evening, 
 
 etc.. etc. 
 
 No doubt tliis is the mo.st perfect form, but so 
 long as ladies do append " R. S. V. P." to an 
 *' at home," they should receive an answer. 
 
 At a reception the lady alone receives, the host 
 walks about among his guests ; the sons and 
 daughters make themselves generally agreeable. 
 
 If the reception is given to some distinguished 
 person, then the lady simply stands beside her 
 guest, to present all the rompany to him, or Iter.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 91 
 
 There are exceptions to this rule, of course — if 
 Illness or indisposition to society prevent the 
 hostess from receiving — but so long as she is 
 in good health and chooses to invite people 
 she is a perfect queen. It is she who invites the 
 guests, she who presides, who defines the laws of 
 her household, and of her feasts. It is to her 
 that all the honors are paid ; the host, for the 
 time being, playing but a secondary part. No 
 fact defines so admirably the civilization of the 
 nineteenth century as this — the pre-eminence of 
 women. A man dresses liimself plainly, biit put.^ 
 diamonds on his wife. In savage communities 
 it is the male who wears the fine clothes, and the 
 female who digs the earth and waits upon her 
 lord, standing behind him while he eats. In the 
 etiquette of society that savage fashion is re- 
 versed. 
 
 The etiquette of musical parties demands first, 
 punctuality, then silence while the music is 
 being played or sung. Nothing is so ill-bred 
 as to talk or to move about while a song is 
 going on. 
 
 No lady who gives a musicale should invite 
 more than she can seat comfortably, and she
 
 92 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNEKS. 
 
 should have her rooms cool, and her lights soft 
 and shaded. People with weak eyes sufifer 
 dreadfully in the glare of gas ; and when music 
 is going on they cannot stir to relieve themselves. 
 Who can endure the mingled misery of a hot 
 room, an uncomfortable seat, a glare of gas and 
 a pianoforte solo ? 
 
 A very sensible reformation is now in 
 progress in regard to the sending of in- 
 vitations and the answering of the same. 
 The post is now freely used as a safe and con- 
 venient medium, and one that never fails. Until 
 very lately men were hired to take notes, and 
 servants were sent with all dinner invitations and 
 their replies. This being found utterly imprac- 
 ticable in small families, or by young gentlemen 
 living, as most young gentlemen do live, in large 
 cities, messenger boys were employed. 
 
 This was found to be very unsafe, as messenger 
 boys are wholly irresponsible, and if they lose a 
 note they never tell of it. 
 
 Therefore, it has come about that notes may be 
 sent by post, as in London or Paris, without loss 
 of caate. 
 
 No one is obliged, of course, to send by post,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNEKr^. 93 
 
 but it is much safer and often more expeditious, 
 and there is no rule of etiquette broken. 
 
 For "teas" it is much better than sending by 
 private messenger. A lady has a great number ol 
 cards to send, she has but to spend a morning in 
 directing her notes and in appending the little 
 postage stamp, or she may readily conmiit that 
 duty to an intelligent servant, the notes are de- 
 posited in a neighboring lamp-post, and are quite 
 sure to reach their destination. 
 
 The etiquette of the ball-room is scarcely 
 greater than that of an evening party. No young 
 lady should no without a chaperon to either. 
 When at the ball she sits by her chaperon until 
 asked to dance ; she then, after the dance, returns 
 to her. 
 
 A young gentleman can go to a lady friend and 
 request to be introduced to a young lady, or he 
 can request the patrons of the ball to present 
 him. A lady's permission should always be asked 
 before a gentleman is presented. A short walk 
 after the dance is permitted, and a talk in the 
 parlors adjacent to the ball-room . Vmt it is not 
 etiquette for a gentleman to take a ladj' off for 
 the whole evening from her chaperon.
 
 Q4 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 No gentleman should go into a supper-room 
 alone, or help himself while one lady remains un- 
 served. Yoimg American gentlemen are very ill- 
 bred in this matter sometimes, and the supper 
 room looks like an arena of gluttony. Let all 
 men remember while in society that they are 
 there as the knights, the attendants on the fairer 
 portion of creation, and not to eat, drink and be 
 merry as at the large men's dinners, suppers and 
 club entertainments.
 
 THE AMERICAN COBE OF MANNERS. 95 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 WHO SHOULD BOW FIRST ? WHO SHOTTT^B SPEAK 
 ^TIRST ? WHO SHOULD CALL FIRST » 
 
 THERE is much unnecessary questioning on 
 these subjects, much unnecessary heart- 
 burning. 
 
 We are on a sliding scale in America. No one 
 knows with thorough exactitude where he stands, 
 socially, as every one may from the humblest po- 
 sition rise to the very highest. Therefore, if a per- 
 son have assumption, arrogance, pretension, he 
 may assume to be a great personage, and may, 
 by his manner, hurt the feelings of some other 
 humbler person. We call such a person a snob, 
 and he deserves the odious name. 
 
 Th« highest born and the most distinguished 
 persons in Europe have the best, the most gra- 
 cious and the least assuming manners. When Earl 
 de Grey and Ripon was here, at the period of the 
 "High Joint Commission" in Washington, he 
 said " that General and Mrs. Grant had the man- 
 ners of kings and queens," so simple and unpre-
 
 % THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 tending were they, so kindly and cordial to every- 
 body. Now some '^nouveaux riches'''' in New 
 York (and it is to be feared in other cities) are 
 not so unpretending as was the great soldier and 
 his quiet wife. They assume an air of lofty dis- 
 dain, affect not to know those whom they do 
 know perfectly well, and ignore their own past. 
 Such people are not personages of refined so- 
 ciety — they are vulgar snobs. 
 
 The lady who is fully aware of her own good 
 birth and breedins:. who has had respectable an- 
 cestors, and who has lived always in good society, 
 is never afraid to bow first, to call first, and to 
 speak first. She knows that courtesy is the most 
 beautiful virtue ; that politeness should be enu- 
 merated among the seven capital virtues, and 
 that she is not hurt if the person to whom she 
 bows does not bow back. 
 
 Now. some young gentlemen, with a very 
 proper modesty, assume that it is not their place 
 to bow to a lady until she bows to them ; but 
 here they are wrong. The mistake arises from a 
 too great respect, and from an ignorance of the 
 world. A lady, particularly an elderly one. and 
 a society leader perhaps, has so many acoquaint-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 97 
 
 ances that she does not remember all the young 
 men who have been presented. She is never 
 offended if a young man raises his hat to her and 
 claims an acquaintance which it would give her 
 infinite pleasure to acknowledge did not memory 
 fail to bring the face and name together. A gen- 
 tleman should always bow first to a lady, no 
 matter whether she returns it or not. If he sees 
 by her face that she does not wish to return it, 
 he can refrain from bowing the next time. 
 Young men are generally chivalrous, respectful 
 and humble, that is, young men who are gentle' 
 men. Let them not be afraid to bow first. It is 
 a courtly grace to bow well to a woman. It has 
 the authority of Sir Walter Raleigh behind it. 
 
 Now, as for calling first, the etiquette in Wash- 
 ington is very definite : the latest comer calls first. 
 It is a thousand pities that this is not the custom 
 in every town, it would simplify matters so much. 
 But in New York it is the fashion for the oldest 
 resident to make the first advances, although now 
 new people, if they choose, send their card for a 
 tea or a reception, and await the action of the 
 social leader, whose acquaintance is thus grace- 
 fully solicited. If this attention is not returned.
 
 98 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 the lady who has sent the first card sends no 
 more, naturally. 
 
 "To get on in society" involves so much that 
 cannot be written down, that here any manual of 
 etiquette is necessarily imperfect, for no one can 
 predict who will succeed and who will fail. Bold, 
 arrogant, selfish and presumptuous people some- 
 times succeed and sometimes fail ; there seems 
 to be no rule. 
 
 But it is quite safe to say, " do nothing that be- 
 trays any want of self-respect ; neither push nor 
 recede." Do your part toward the social pleas- 
 ures of your set. and leave the rest to fate. 
 Some people are always laughed at ; some are 
 wrongfully put down ; some are most mysteri- 
 ously successful. No one can tell why ; but one 
 thing is quite certain, no one loses anything by a 
 modest, serene courtesy, a civility which never 
 flags, a willingness to put the very best interpreta- 
 tion on all the conduct of society. 
 
 For many of the so-called "slights which 
 patient merit of the unworthy takes" come 
 from our overcrowded social life. A popular 
 person, a social leader, soon becomes a person of 
 many engagements, and with more to do than
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 99 
 
 she can do properly. Forgive such a person a 
 long time for any seeming incivility ; remember 
 that she cannot be always ready to return your 
 visit, nor is she always able to remember your 
 face. Therefore be not afraid if you are a new- 
 comer to impress yourself upon such a desired ac- 
 quaintance by acts of ci\ility, and by the most 
 courteous attentions. They will not be mis- 
 taken for ''snobbery,"' if neither of you are 
 snobs. 
 
 In England, where people are never introduced 
 at a dinner, everybody speaks to his next neigh- 
 bor, or the person opposite, without introduc- 
 tion, and Avith delightful courtesy. There is no 
 restraint as in America, where two ladies will 
 meet and gaze at each other as if they belonged 
 to hostile tribes of Indians and are seeking each 
 other's scalps, if perchance they have not been 
 introduced. 
 
 Remember tliat the house wherein you are is a 
 sufficient introduction ; speak to each other, 
 make it agreeable for your hostess, even if on 
 going down the front steps you should never 
 ^^peak again. It is proper etiquette to ex- 
 change the common-places of courtesy without
 
 100 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 being introduced when you are in a friend's 
 house. 
 
 A truly hospitable hostess does introduce, if 
 she sees shyness or true humility on the faces of 
 her young guests. It is not etiquette for her to 
 introduce two New York ladies to each other if 
 they are in such a position that they might pos- 
 sibly know each other and yet do not. But it is 
 proper for them to speak to each otlier in her 
 parlor. 
 
 It is always proper for a young lady to call tirst 
 on an older one ; always proper for everybody to 
 call first on the family of a clergjTnan. Age and 
 the clergy are our two orders of nobility. 
 
 It is always proper for a gentleman to take off 
 his hat when he meets a lady on a hotel stair, at 
 the box of a theatre or opera, or any place where 
 they are brought into unexpected meeting. In 
 France all men uncover before a funeral cortege 
 or in the presence of death. It is a beautiful 
 custom. 
 
 In driving, a gentleman touches his hat with 
 his whip. He could not well take off his hat 
 while driving, although some very respectful men 
 do. But the etiquette of the whip is sufficient.
 
 THE AJVrERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 101 
 
 There are many excellent persons who are ex- 
 clusive both by nature and by their prominent 
 positions. If they were not, should we value 
 them so much ? No, certainly not. We like a 
 hostess who is so exclusive that she shuts out 
 bores and adventurers, rude or disagreeable 
 people, and only lets in the well-bred, the quiet, 
 the deserving:. 
 
 " All front doors should have a coarse sieve 
 before them," said an old entertainer, " all 
 society is not good society. " So there is much to 
 be said for those hcstesses who are not easy of 
 approach. There is a vast difference between 
 the pretensions of a snob and the exclusiveness 
 of a Lady Palmerston. She was the queen of 
 the political mJon for many years, yet no one ever 
 called her rude or too accessible. She knew ex- 
 actly where to draw the line. We have some 
 such model hostesses in America. They are very 
 rare anywhere, but they preserve society. 
 
 Lady Waldegrave was said to possess In perfec- 
 tion Vart de tenir mlwi. She was never afraid to 
 bow first, to call first, to speak first. She knew 
 the value of courtesy. Although the daughter of 
 Braham, the singer, made wealthy and ennobled
 
 l03 THE AMERlflAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 by her marriages, she was respected and admired 
 by the whole British aristocracy, where there is 
 more pride of birth than anywhere else in the 
 world, because she respected herself and had 
 good manners. 
 
 A gentleman who is walking with a lady or 
 driving with her should lift his hat to every one 
 to whom she bows, even if he does not know the 
 person to whom the lady bows. It is a respect to 
 her. A truly polite person also always returns a 
 bow, even if he does not know the person bow- 
 ing. It may be a mistake in identity, etc. 
 
 Greneral Washington was once reproved for his 
 politeness to an aged negro, who had bowed very 
 low. 
 
 " Do you suppose," said the great man, " that 
 I wish to be outdone in politeness V 
 
 Now there are instances when a lady must cut 
 a former acquaintance. Let this be done promptly 
 and peremptorily. Look the offender in the face 
 and recognize her fully, but do not bow. This 
 happens when we lose confidence in a character, 
 have experienced rudeness, or are assured that 
 we have been mistaken in the respectability of a 
 man or a woman. Let no half courtesy continue,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 103 
 
 but break at once. If there were more ot this 
 sincerity society would be much more agreeable. 
 A lady of high position has to do this thing 
 sometimes more than once. She cannot and 
 should not forgive a liar, a cheat or an adven- 
 turer. 
 
 There are adventm-ers of both sexes. There is 
 no punishment greater than a ''cut" from a 
 prominent, good and respected woman. 
 
 Cardinal Antonelli never recovered from the 
 .slight which the Roman princesses put upon him. 
 They all refused to bow to Mm, in spite of his 
 exalted power, knowing the lowness of his origin 
 and the vileness of his character. There are im- 
 pertinences which must be put down at once, and 
 no hostess should suffer anybody to be imperti- 
 nent in her house if she can help it. 
 
 There are women in society called "social 
 marauders ' ' who presume upon an acknowledged 
 eccentricity to insult the humble, or the fearful, or 
 the polite. Such a woman should be left out. 
 She should not be invited. The sieve at the front 
 door should exclude her. Every social leader 
 owes it to herself to frown down such a woman, 
 and to exclude from her parties men of notori-
 
 104 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 ousiy bad character, even though thej^ may have 
 family and wealth to make them famous. 
 
 In the case of distinguished strangers a resi- 
 dent of a town should call fu'st. 
 
 Nor if the stranger is to Ije but a short time 
 in town should one expect a return. A card, in 
 an envelope, is often all that a person can send as 
 the acknowledgment of this civility. 
 
 To invite a stranger to dinner is the best civil- 
 ity ; if that be impossible, try to offer him tickets 
 for a box at the opera, or a good play, or some- 
 thing exclusive which he could n^t reach but for 
 you. 
 
 After a death iu the family it is tiie custom for 
 all friends to call ^\ithin a month, or to send 
 cards. These attentions are noticed and deeply 
 felt. 
 
 Also in cases of prolonged sickness : send often 
 to inquire for the patient, with your card, on 
 which may be penciled '' Kind inquiries."' or the 
 word " Sympathy." as one i^leases. 
 
 If a gentleman wishes to be presented lo a lady, 
 she should say " Thank you," and show pleasure 
 as he advances. She need not know him again if 
 he does not please her, but she ow^es a i»olite
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OK MANNERS. ]()5 
 
 recognition of anybody to the la4y who intro- 
 duces. 
 
 In this respect our American women are very 
 lacking in good manners, often receiving a new 
 acquaintance with a brusque discourtesy or an 
 indifferent coldness, which shows themselves to 
 be ill-bred. The true lady is always deferen- 
 tial, polite, and easy in her manners. 
 
 The manners of men toward women partake of 
 the freedom of the age. The jeuuesse claree are 
 not shy of their attractions ; they believe, evi- 
 dently, tliat they are attractiA^e. Therefore, they 
 are sometimes wanting in politeness, particularly 
 at crowded balls, to ladies. This is a sin of 
 manner rather than of heart, and a little thought 
 will correct it. 
 
 In advising people to be not shy of making 
 first visits, let no one suppose that we advo- 
 cate '' push." There are perfect instincts in 
 this matter which should always tell us 
 where we sliould not go first. If a person is 
 so much richer, more distinguished, and more 
 socially prominent than ourselves that the line is 
 very distinctly drawn, of course we should not 
 make violent efforts to achieve that accjnaintance.
 
 !()(-■) THK AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS 
 
 We should wait until some mutual friend has 
 paved the way for us, and we should be as firm 
 in our self-respect as our expected acquaintance 
 is firm in her social position. 
 
 In this countrj- wealth ha«. although it gives 
 prominence, really very little power of stamping 
 out the claims of character, old family, good 
 breeding and culture : a ii/jimeau riche still aims to 
 fill her rooms with those who bring the gifts 
 which no money can buy. ** An old aristocrat '' 
 (although it seems a misnomer) is still a power in 
 the newest State ; a woman or a man who has 
 education and good manners can afford to laugh 
 at poverty, and can, with tact and courtesy, 
 always be a favorite in society. Of course wealth 
 is necessary, if one would entertain much, in a 
 great city. But even in the commercial metrop- 
 olis wealth has not stamped out those higher quali- 
 ties which should ever reign in our society — tact, 
 irood breeding and courtesy.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 107 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 CX)NDUCT IN A CROWD. 
 
 THE American woman is said to beliave 
 badly in a crowd. She is nervous, push- 
 ing, selfish, aggressive. The entrance to a 
 matinee at the Academy of Music, when the 
 audience is almost exclusively feminine, is as 
 dangerous and as desperate a place as one can 
 find. Women's elbows are freely planted in 
 a neighbor's side, and the old pun of infra dig 
 comes to mind. Every woman seems to have 
 forgotten that she is a lady, and pushes forward 
 as brutally as if she were an English prize- 
 fighter. A child is often in great danger in these 
 crowds, and the sight is often seen of a mother 
 and an aunt protecting some unhappy little thing 
 whom these stampeding crowds would tread to 
 death. 
 
 Now, this is not because women are cruel ; it 
 is because they are thoughtless. Many an acci- 
 dent has occurred at these matinees from over- 
 crowding, and each woman who went to make
 
 108 THE AMERtCAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 up the crowd probably would have regretted 
 deeply did she know that it was her arm that 
 wounded the delicate chest of a feeble sister. 
 But each woman was anxious to get a seat, each 
 woman was nervous, each woman thought her- 
 self as good as any other woman, and each 
 woman felt angry at being "crowded," so that a 
 mass of agitation was the net result. 
 
 Now, to behave well in a crowd calls for a vast 
 deal of presence of mind. A smiling face, a 
 pleasant voice, an apology to the woman whom 
 you are unintentionally pushing ; these things go 
 a long way toward saving you and her. Of 
 course a crowd is a heedless and a dreadfully 
 dangerous thing, and prudent women keep out 
 of it ; but. if once in, nothing but good temper 
 is of any avail. 
 
 But there are crowds in other x>laces than at 
 the door of a theatre ; there are crowds in ball- 
 rooms, at public receptions, and at the House of 
 Representatives. There are crowds on the Fifth 
 avenue, in the cars of the elevated railway and 
 at the fashionable fairs, in a church at a wedding, 
 and at private theatricals. Foreigners think that 
 our American women are too much vn evidence.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNEKS. 109 
 
 and that they are too bold in their manner.s 
 Xow, there is no doubt but that the rerj^ inno- 
 cence and frankness of young girls are some- 
 times mistaken for boldness, particularly by men 
 who are prone to see evil in everything. An ab- 
 sence of self-consciousness is a charming thing, 
 but in a crowd a young lady must remember that 
 she is in the midst of a very severe and scathing 
 criticism, and that she must think how she is look- 
 ing and how she appears. She must not laugh 
 loud or fast, or show coquetry or boldness. 
 
 At a fancy fair she must not walk about impor- 
 tuning men to buy things or to take chances in a 
 raffle. It really behooves our young ladies to 
 watch their looks and speech at these places. 
 They can make as much money for the charity if 
 they are reserved, courteous and plainly dressed, 
 as if they were flaunting, bold and coquettish. 
 Many women find these great crowds a fitting 
 outlet for unoccupied energies, and for love of a 
 little healthy excitement — and not being able to 
 give money — they give what is far better, their 
 time and talents, to a fancy fair ; but they are un- 
 der severe criticism while serving at the altar of 
 charity, and should remember to propitiate by
 
 110 THE AMERICAX CODE OF MANNEKS. 
 
 every decent reserve that unmannerly critic, tiie 
 public. 
 
 It is astonishing that women, who have had 
 offered to them the real crowns of culture and 
 conduct, should ever accept these false, ipaitation, 
 flashy jewels, called notoriety and conspicuous- 
 ness ; and yet. with all good opportunities of 
 gaining the former, too many young women ac- 
 cept the latter. 
 
 - Eccentricity may be i)ardoned at home, but it 
 i.s never forgiven when seen in crowds. 
 
 Lady Bulwer, whose famous divorce suit from 
 the great novelist has been so well described, for- 
 got her dignity in crowds, and .showed temper 
 at a Queen's drawing room. At home no 
 one could be more like an ''untrained colt." 
 She would sop up spilt ink with a beauti- 
 ful twenty-guinea pocket-handkerchief, snap a 
 gold chain into bits, upset fine china " in the 
 torrent and tempest and whirlwind of her pas- 
 sion." She presumed upon her rights as a belle, 
 a beauty and a wit ; but. although her figure was 
 superb, her great dark eyes as soft as velvet, and 
 her features perfectly regular, society never for- 
 gave her. and her husband very properly divorced
 
 THE AMERICAN U01)E OF MANNERS. Ill 
 
 her. She was always respected for her talents 
 and her blameless private life, but she had no 
 place in *• the crowd." 
 
 Women should not quarrel with each other in 
 public. Everj^body respects a woman who can 
 .smilingly keep her temper. It is doubtful if 
 fashion is a very good adjunct to friendship, and 
 female friendships are often but the result of 
 propinquity, and not very deep. Rivalries arise, 
 and coldness and quarrels are sometimes inevit- 
 able. As much as we may labor to "keep our 
 friendships in repair," we may not always suc- 
 ceed, but the break should not be made public. 
 
 It costs very little effort to be polite and re- 
 served in a crowd, or perhaps we should say ''in 
 public ;" any display of temper is very improper, 
 and totally subversive of etiquette. . Women are 
 apt to be very chivalrous in friendship, and to 
 stand up bravely for an absent friend when at- 
 tacked ; this is so fine a trait that we cannot 
 much blame it ; but still, if it leads to quarrel- 
 ing, or to loud talking, even that should be 
 avoided. 
 
 Women should not talk too much in a crowd, 
 even if they talk well. Some one behind them is
 
 112 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MA>"NERS. 
 
 sure to think that they are talking for effect. 
 There are many women who have high spirits and 
 a perfect gift as to a compliment or a greeting, 
 who have a combination of splendid talents, yet 
 who are always exciting enmity and jealousy 
 because they seem to the cankered and en^'lous 
 tf» be trjang to take up too much of the public 
 attention. There are women who can talk to 
 four men at once, and yet make every man think 
 himself the favored one : women who have a 
 talent at an epigram or a story, who have wit, 
 and whose knowledge lies where they can easily 
 lind it. Such women are greatly sought for in 
 society — they are its ornaments • but, if such 
 women are not on guard, if they laugh and talk 
 in a crowd, at tlie oix;ra. they are smv to be 
 .severely criticised. 
 
 is always in the power of a small and devoted 
 band to stand back to back. and. with spears 
 pointed outward, to defend a small and exclusive 
 territory. Such may be the fortress of Fashion, 
 TO those who wish to enter that self -constituted 
 fort. There may be danger of wounds. There 
 is very little gained, perhaps, by getting into 
 that strictly-defended territory, but one likes to
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 113 
 
 conquer difficulties ; so, if one storms the fort, 
 one must expect to encounter the bayonets of 
 the defenders. Thej' are "the crowd," and 
 to propitiate that body, or to conquer it, a 
 young aspirant for fashion must buckle on her 
 armor. 
 
 There is, no doubt, a great growth of antip- 
 athies and hatred engendered by the pm-suit of 
 pleasure in tlie hot-house air of our best society. 
 We are not angels at the best, and it is doubtful 
 if a gay and idle pursuit of fashion and pleasure 
 improves us. Still, the natural desire for social 
 distinction is a very honest one — we all want om- 
 rank ; but the cultivation of the graces which 
 lead to social success seems to be accompanied 
 by many false growths, and by those fungi which 
 spring up in every rich soil. Therefore, as every 
 pleasure is accompanied by a danger, the young 
 aspirant for fashionable distinction should learn 
 that a certain quiet, elegant reserve of manner is 
 a perfect safety gauze mask, as much needed, 
 morally, in the perilous air of the salo/t a.s the 
 same protection is needed physically in the 
 dangerous gas of a mine. We must learn to dis- 
 arm criticism, and to look upon society as a
 
 114 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 tournament, a field of the cloth of gold, where all 
 the knights are allowed to enter with visor up 
 and armor closed, to joust, to tUt as they please, 
 but not to disclose their innermost personalities. 
 Good breeding gives us certain definite rules, and 
 while these are observed, society is possible : else 
 it disintegrates. But we may, without losing 
 self-respect, exercise a vast self-control, and not 
 show that we distrust people, nor that we vastly 
 like them ; we need not wear our hearts on our 
 sleeves for daws to peck at. 
 
 Members of the same family stiould never 
 quarrel in public. This is often done by two 
 sisters of uncertain tempers, and the crowd 
 laughs. The French have a proverb about this, 
 perhaps too well known to be quoted. 
 
 Never show that you feel a slight. This is 
 worldly wise as well as Christian, for no one but 
 a mean person will put a slight on another, and 
 such a person always profoundly respects the per - 
 son who is unconscious of his feeble spite. 
 Never resent publicly a lack of courtesy '■ it is in 
 the worst taste. What you do privately about 
 dropping such an acquaintance must be left to 
 yourself.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 115 
 
 To a person of noble mind the contests of so- 
 ciety mxist ever seem poor and furious as they 
 think of these narrow enmities and low political 
 manoRu\Tes, but we know that they exist and 
 that we must meet them. Temper, detraction 
 and small spite are as vulgar on a Turkey carpet 
 and in a palace as they could be in a tenement 
 house ; nay, worse, for the educated contestants 
 know better. But that they exist we know as 
 well as we know that the diphtheria rages. We 
 must only reflect philosophically that it takes all 
 sorts of people to make a world ; that there are 
 good people, rank and file ; that there is a valiant 
 army and a noble navj' : that there are also 
 pirates who will board the best of ships, and 
 traitors in every army, and that we must be ready 
 for them all ; that if we live in a crowd we must 
 propitiate that crowd. 
 
 Never show a fractious or peremptory irri- 
 tability in small things. Be patient if a friend 
 keeps you waiting. Bear, as long as you can, 
 heat, or a draught, rather than to make others 
 uncomfortable. Do not be fussy about your 
 supposed rights ; yield a disputed point of pre- 
 cedence. All society has to be made up of these
 
 116 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MATTKERS. 
 
 concessions ; thej- make }'ou nnmimbered friendft 
 in the long run. 
 
 We are not always wrong when we quarrel ; 
 but if we meet our deadliest foe at a friend's 
 house we are bound to treat him with perfect 
 civility. That is neutral ground. Never, by 
 word or look, disturb your hostess ; this is an 
 occasional duplicity which is ordered by the 
 laws of society. And, in all honesty, cultivate 
 a graceful salutation, not too familiar, in a crowd. 
 Do not kiss your friend in a crowd : be grave 
 and decorous always. Burke said that manners 
 were more important than laws. " Manners are 
 what vex or soothe, comfort or purify, exalt (tr 
 debase, barbarize or refine us by a constant, 
 steady, uniform, insensible operator), like the 
 air we breathe.'* 
 
 A salutation may have a great deal of ineaning 
 in it. It may say, "I respect you, and I wi.sh 
 you well." It may say. 'I love you." It may 
 .say, '"I hate you.-' In a crowd, it should sim- 
 ply say the first. The bow of a young lady 
 should be maidenly, quiet, not too demonstra- 
 tive ; yet not cold or forbidding. 
 
 The salutation of a man to a woman cannot be
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA>!>ERS. 117 
 
 too respectful. It is to be feared that " old-fash- 
 ioned courtesy ■' has no place in our fashionable 
 society. There is either coldness or too great 
 familiarity. The manners of young women are 
 apt to be too careless. They emulate the manners 
 of men and of the age too much, not remember- 
 ing they should carry in their gentle ways the 
 good manners of all ages. A young woman 
 Should remember that when a woman's saluta- 
 tion ceases to be delicate, elegant and finished, 
 that she steps down fron:i her throne and throws 
 away her sceptre. 
 
 There is no salutation, however, more displeas- 
 ing than that of a too efflorescent and flattering 
 subserviency. •' He bows too low " should never 
 be said. Avoid being a snob, in private, as in a 
 crowd. 
 
 People of the highest fascination communicate 
 a flattering salutation with their eyes. Such 
 people need no words, they talk without know- 
 ing it. 
 
 A woman who fills a high place iu society must 
 be unselfish, considerate, full of memory, com- 
 plaisant, amiable and honorable. She must do a 
 thousand gracious things for which .she will never
 
 118 THE AMERICAJS CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 be thanked. She must stand at her post when 
 dying of fatigue ; she must talk to bores. The 
 post of honor is the post of danger. She must 
 submit to criticism. She must be attacked, 
 suspected, called selfish, proud, conceited, false 
 perhaps, although her constancy may be perfect, 
 but she must not let the crowd know that she 
 notices these adverse criticisms. They are the 
 penalty of greatness. 
 
 Never advertise yom- own failures. Never com- 
 plain that you are not invited ; that you have 
 been badly treated ; that you have made a mis- 
 take ; that you regret your own want of success. 
 The crowd does not care. It is very apt to be- 
 lieve that you are successful if you say nothing 
 to the contrary ; it receives you at your own 
 rating, and, unless you are abominably selfish, 
 egregiously vain and pretentious, or dismally 
 sulky, will almost always rat« you as a good- 
 enough person, sufficiently fashionable and well- 
 bred. 
 
 These ?re very superficial and external hints as 
 to the ethics of etiquette. We might go much 
 deeper, and argue from ;i higher, better stand- 
 point, but that is not necessary Here.
 
 THE AMERICAii CODR OF MANNERS. 119 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THB ETIQUETTE OF WEBDING8, OF CALLS OF OON- 
 (JK.VTI'T.ATTOX AND OF SYMPATHY. 
 
 THE lady, of course, Axes the day for the 
 wedding to suit herself. Much nonsense 
 has been written about those papers "which 
 are expected to gazette engagements or wedding 
 days." No paper is expected to '* gazette " any- 
 thing among well-bred^ people. The first inti- 
 mation that the public receives of either fact 
 should come from the parents of the bride, who 
 mention the fact of the engagement to their 
 intimate friends, and when the young couple 
 are ready to marry, the father and mother, or 
 guardians of the young lady, issue cards naming 
 the day and hour of the wedding. 
 
 It would be easy to write a volume, and it would 
 be a most useful volume if it brought conviction 
 to the hearts of the offenders, on the wrong done 
 to young ladies by the newspapers, who assume, 
 without authority, to publish the news of an en- 
 gagement. Many a match has been broken off
 
 190 THE AMERIOAlf OOI»B OF MANXBRS. 
 
 by such a premature surmise on the part of a not 
 too well-informed reporter, and the happiness of 
 one or more persons injured for life. For an en- 
 gagement is a very delicate thing. Two people 
 like to approach this event of their lives in. great 
 mutual confidence and secrecy. They do not 
 wish to throw open those inner rooms of the heart 
 for reporters to chronicle every detail of their 
 furnishing. Consequently, all newspapers should 
 be careful not to announce an engagement unless 
 requested to, or unless they are particularly well 
 informed as to the truth of it. Society, too. 
 is very much to blame' for its readiness to de- 
 clare an engagement "off" without sufficient 
 reason, and to circulate rumors prejudicial to 
 the gentleman if an engagement is broken. This 
 is often done, and it makes much unnecesssary 
 ill-feeling. 
 
 A gentleman prasents a lady with a ring after 
 she has accepted him — a diamond generally — ** a 
 very large diamond, imported by Tiffany," as 
 the author of '*Miss Flora McFlimsy" puts it. 
 According to the wealth of the high-contracting 
 parties is the diamond large or small, and ao of 
 the trousseau of the bride.
 
 THE AAfKRICAN OOBE OF MANNERS. 121 
 
 Unfortunately, in our '' age of gold," money 
 has become very much the important factor in 
 modern matrimonial engagements. Plutu."? has 
 Icmg been a rival of Cupid, and some people say 
 that the former has floored the latter. Let us 
 hope, however, that young people still love each 
 other : that the good old fashion of marrying for 
 love is not entirely extinct. 
 
 The custom of sciving bridal gifts has, however, 
 l>eco]ne now an outrageous abuse of a good thing. 
 From being a very pretty custom, one which had 
 at its base the good old reality of helping the 
 young couple to bea:in housekeeping (which is 
 still observed in Holland by presents of the bed 
 and table linen and the necessary knives and 
 forks and chairs), it has become but another form 
 of ostentation, and a very great tax upon the 
 fiiends of the bride. People are expected to send 
 certain handsome gifts. Rich old relatives are 
 mulcted, and the bride's mother has been known 
 To \\Tite notes to the effect that " Nellie would 
 prefer pearls.*' or that "Jane hopes everything 
 will be silver. ■'etc. 
 
 Even if the family of the fair bride have too 
 much delicacy to do this, a New York bride her-
 
 122 THE A\rERI( AX C01>K OK MANNERS. 
 
 self had lately no such delicacy, but requested 
 her friends to send her checks instead of presents, 
 and* she afterwards boasted that she had " got 
 five thoiisand dollars out of one rich old man !" 
 Then the rivalry between two rich families, or 
 a rich and a poor family, begins. The Joneses 
 say that they inust not be outdone by the Wil- 
 liamses. So. if the Willlamses send a silver din- 
 ner-set the Joneses must send one also. Such are 
 the vulgar abuses of a good custom. 
 
 The upshot of all this is that the young couple, 
 perhaps ha%ang but a small income, are loaded 
 down with silverware which they cannot use. and 
 which becomes a bill of expen.se to them for 
 years, for it must be stored, and the interest of 
 the money, the insurance and storage, soon eat 
 up the vah^e of tlie silver. 
 
 There is positively no advantage in all this, 
 except to Tiffany, who daily sends out magnifi- 
 cent silver, for which he is paid an enormous 
 price, to receive it back the same evening, and 
 to keep it at the owner's expense for twelve 
 years, perhaps forever. It has had one or 
 two other uses. It has served to gratify some- 
 body's love of display, or somebody's purse
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 123 
 
 pride, and the bride has glanced at it once. 
 There are fourteen or fifteen young married 
 women of twelve years' standing in New York 
 who say that they never saw their own silver 
 except on the wedding day. The danger of 
 losing it is so great, that with dishonest servants 
 and burglars about they dare not keep it at home, 
 and they cannot afford to give the large dinners 
 which require it. 
 
 Yet it is etiqvetie to send the bride a present 
 after the mother has announced that '• Nellie will 
 be married in March.'' and every one feels, not 
 only a love for Nellie, but a sense of the duty of 
 the thing. It is no longer a mere pleasure, it is 
 obligatory. 
 
 If. like the announcement in the death column. 
 "It is requested that no flowers be sent." which 
 has just stopped off a painful and unnecessary 
 extravagance, the bridal cards could bear this 
 inscription, ''It is requested that no presents be 
 sent/" it would soon remedy this evil, and it is 
 an evil deeply felt by those who cannot afford to 
 be lavish ; and it is overdone by the v&ry rich, 
 who are simply gratifying their own vanity. 
 No one need be afraid to help the young couple
 
 124 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 in an unostentatious way ; but the publicity of 
 the thing, the notorietj' and the extravagance, 
 might be properly checked. 
 
 A very rich girl frequently gives the brides- 
 maids their dresses. If she is not able to do this, 
 she suggests what they shall wear. The groom 
 gives the bridesmaids lockets or rings with mono- 
 gram or motto, if he is able so to do. and presents 
 each of his ushers with a scarf-pin or studs— 
 .something by which tln^v shall rv-'memberthe day. 
 
 The fashion of groomsmen has passed away. 
 Now the happy man stands at the altar awaiting 
 his bride with his •' best man"' at his side. Six 
 ushers, dressed in frock coats, gray pantaloons 
 and dark scarfs, bring the ladies to their seats in 
 church, ^nd then form a procession at the door of 
 the church to lead up tlif bridal party. These are 
 followed by the bridesmaids, who walk two and 
 two, bearing flowers, and now. generally, wear 
 little bonnets. Then comes the bride, leaning on 
 the arm of her father or brother, or on the arm 
 of the friend who is to give her away. No one 
 should wear a veil but the bride herself. The 
 canonical bridal dress is of white satin or bro- 
 cade, long train, bridal veil of tulle or real lace.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 125 
 
 and orange-blossoms, which none but a bride can 
 wear. 
 
 But this is varied now and then. Brides are 
 sometimes married in a traveling dress and 
 bonnet. Young widows who marry a second 
 t ime must not wear white nor veils ; and young 
 ladies who marry widowers often dress in col- 
 ored silks, and with a bonnet, or not, as they 
 please. 
 
 The fact, however, that at a day wedding the 
 i)rid-e is properly in low evening dress, and in all 
 rhe paraphernalia of full dress, while her husband 
 ;.s decidedly in morning costume, is one of those 
 I^nglish anachronisms for which the French lauerh 
 ill the Anglo-Saxons. 
 However, it is etiquette and must be done. 
 The cards are generally in this form- 
 Mr. and Mrs. Smith 
 request the pleasure of your company 
 at the marriage of their daughter, 
 Antoinette 
 to 
 Mr. Lewis Mortimer, 
 On Wednesday, March 20th, at 3 o'clock, 
 at 
 Grace Church.
 
 126 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNEKS. 
 
 Another card bears the following inscription — 
 
 Reception. 
 
 174 E. Kent street. 
 
 at half-past three o'clock. 
 
 The cards admitting people to the church are 
 almost needless, for everybody goes to a church 
 imtil it is full, and then nobody can get in if they 
 possess a card. 
 
 After these cards are out. thejia7icee, or com- 
 ing bride, must not appear in public. This is 
 an absurd regulation, but one on which so- 
 ciety is entirely decided, and wery stringent. 
 In asking a young lady to be her brides- 
 inaid. the bride is generally actuated by 
 feelings of i-elationship or friendship, although 
 fashion and wealth often influence these 
 invitations. Each bridesmaid is expected to 
 sive a handsome present. The groom asks 
 men of his own age, and of his intimate ac- 
 quaintance. They must be unmarried men, of 
 (^ourse. and an-ange all matters at the church. 
 Music should play softly through the preparatory 
 reremony of the entrance of the family. The 
 mother of the bride, her brothers and sisters.
 
 THS AMBRICAN CODE OF MAT«IBRS. 137 
 
 shonld precede her to the church and be seated in 
 pews before she enters, unless the mother is a 
 widow and gives away the bride herself— a verj' 
 touching and beautiful ceremony. As the bride 
 walks up the aisle the organ should play a wed- 
 ding march. 
 
 After the ceremony, which should be conducted 
 with great dignity and composure on all hands, 
 for exhibitions of feeling, in public, are in the 
 worst possible taste, the oificiating clergyman 
 shakes hands with the young couple, and con- 
 gratulates them. The bride takes her husband's 
 right arm, and they walk down the broad aisle, 
 without recognizing acquaintances in the church. 
 to their carriage at the door (here a maid should 
 be in waiting with a cloak to wrap the bride from 
 draughts and from intrusive starers); they then 
 drive home alone, or to the house where the re- 
 ception is to be held. 
 
 The bride and groom stand together under a 
 floral design (a bell, generally), and with the 
 bridesmaids at the right of the bride. 
 
 The ushers take up the people to be presented, 
 and introduce each by name. 
 
 The bride's mother yields her place as hostess
 
 ]28 THB AMEBIC A.K CODB OF MANNERS. 
 
 for the nonce, and is either not especially in any 
 one spot receiving, or, if she is, is always ad- 
 dressed after the bride. 
 
 The rest of the family make themselves gen- 
 erally agreeable to the guests at the reception, but 
 every honor is conceded to the bride. 
 
 Two hours is the longest time which etiquette 
 requires of the newly-married pair in their busi- 
 ness of receiving. 
 
 The bride retires, changes her white dress for a 
 traveling suit, generally of gray cloth or of some 
 quiet-colored silk, but never black, and in her 
 bonnet or hat comes down with her mother and 
 sisters and friends, and meets the groom, who 
 has also changed his dress for a traveling suit, 
 when occurs a scene of mingled tears and smiles. 
 The horses and driver and groom of the carriage 
 which is to bear off the happy pair for the honey- 
 moon are all dressed with white favors and flow- 
 ers, and as they drive off rice is thrown after 
 them, and a shower of old slippers. Happy will 
 they be forever after if one slipper alights on the 
 carriage. So says the old Welsh tradition. 
 
 The most approved fashion now decides that 
 the happy pair go to some friend's house, at
 
 THE AMERICA^N CODE OF MAISTNERS. 129 
 
 V^hich they spend the honeymoon. Some gene- 
 rous person who can retire and leave house and 
 servants to them is a great boon to a newly- 
 married pair. However, in this land of comforta- 
 ble hotels, an agreeable and quiet apartment in 
 any of our great cities can easily be procured. 
 
 After returning to the city, the bride generally 
 advises her friends by cards of her being ready 
 to receive them on certain days. If not, the 
 friends should call within a month after her re- 
 turn, to leave their cards of congratulation. 
 
 Dinners and lunches and parties in honor of 
 the young pair should follow in quick succession. 
 
 If a wedding occurs in the evening, the groom 
 should appear in evening dress, of course, as 
 all gentlemen must do after nightfall. A white 
 cravat with a frock coat is a dreadful solecism, 
 only permitted to the clergy. It is now worn, 
 however, in summer, for cleanliness, sometimes, 
 but should then be made of duck, or Marseilles — 
 not of cambric. 
 
 A widow, on marrying again, should not use 
 her late husband's name or initials, but in this 
 wise : If she was Angela Jones, and had married 
 Mr. Brown, and, being his widow, wishes to
 
 130 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 marry Mr. Thompson, her card should read 
 
 thus— 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Jones 
 
 request the pleasure of your company at the 
 
 marriage of their daughter. 
 
 Angela Jones Brown. 
 
 to 
 
 William Thompson, Esq., 
 
 On Thursday, March 10th, 
 
 etc., etc., etc. 
 
 Or, better still, she requests a friend to give her 
 a reception, and the friend's name appears on an 
 
 " At Home,"" 
 
 with the cards of the widow and of the gentleman 
 whom she intends to marry simply included in 
 the envelope. 
 
 Calls of sympathy should be made in person a 
 week after the death of a member of a family 
 whom you wish to treat with exceeding respect and 
 kindness. Of course you do not ask to see the 
 afflicted widow or daughters, but you personally 
 inquire for them. You can leave a plain card 
 with your name, or pencil a few words upon it. 
 It is always well, also, to write a note expressive 
 of your sympathy.
 
 T£tE AMBRiCAK GODB OF MAiTNERS. 131 
 
 If neither can be done, send a card by a ser- 
 vant ; but a personal visit is always appre- 
 ciated. We are not careful enough in this 
 country of these points of etiquette. We 
 should call to inquire for the sick, to send 
 messages of kind inquiry, to show our pleasure 
 in our friends' good fortune and to sympathize 
 with them in trouble.
 
 132 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANSERS. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 AMERICAN MISTAKES. 
 
 AMERICAN women feel very angry at A:i- 
 thony Trollope and at Miss de la Ramc.- 
 (''Ouida"), and at other writers, for their 
 sketches of the American girl in Europe. 
 
 And, indeed, these pictures seem to us, who see- 
 the best American gii'ls and see them at homt , 
 to be very coarse daubs of a very beautiful 
 original. We have no sympathy with Sardou"< 
 ** Uncle Sam," which is a sketch of American 
 life utterly repellent to our civilized idea of the 
 proprieties. 
 
 And yet traveling in Europe we do see here 
 and there some eccentric and careless persons 
 who violate etiquette at every turn : who are rich, 
 uneducated, vulgar and loud, and we regret U> 
 learn that they are Americans. 
 
 People in Europe take of course the very promi- 
 nently eccentric as types of our nation. If people 
 behave properly, they are supposed to be — not 
 Americans, but English ; in fact, the well-bred
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 133 
 
 create no ripple on the surface ; they are only 
 let alone. 
 
 The peculiarity of our pohtical system has 
 much to do with this, as a Senator may be the 
 most ill-bred of men ; a foreign Minister and his? 
 family may be, and often are, totally unacquainted 
 with etiquette. Now, the young and beautiful 
 American girl is also in a very anomalous posi- 
 tion, looking from European eyes. 
 
 She has never been graded, as in England, by 
 an iron rule. She has possibly never even heard 
 of that pride of birth which keeps the remotest 
 granddaughters of certain houses in order, even 
 if they have a roaming and piratical turn. She 
 knows nothing of that "mysterious something'" 
 called conventionality. She only knows that she 
 has owned her bit of sea and sky, of hillside or 
 upland lawn, her prospect and her retrospect ever 
 since she was born. There has been nothing be- 
 tween her and the thing she wanted since she 
 learned to walk. To steadily approach the tree 
 and to gather the peach has been her manifest 
 destiny. 
 
 If she has been bred in the country and has 
 come to New York or Boston to do her shopping.
 
 134 THE A.MBBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 she has gone to the best shops and has bought the 
 latest fashion : so when she goes to Europe she 
 intends to take the best she can get — kings and 
 queens, and dukes and princes, being the best, 
 she steps up and takes them 1 So with art and 
 science, and the joys of traveling. She is Sir 
 Francis Drake, Paul Jones. Columbus. Audacity 
 is rewarded in her case by a thousand victories to 
 one defeat. 
 
 What seems in her at first sight like an extra- 
 ordinary and courageous impudence, is simply 
 ignorance of that cobweb wall of etiquette which 
 the spiders of all ages have been spinning, but 
 which she does not see. No one has told her 
 about it. She is like the blind man who re- 
 ceived his sight in middle age, walking up 
 against solid walls and empty space alike. 
 They are the same to him, and to her, un- 
 til both painfully learn the difference; but 
 if she does not see other people and things, 
 they see her. She is apt to be beautiful and she 
 is sure to be strange ; so she is looked at, cata- 
 logued, described. She gets into the pages of an 
 English novel, and then is shocked (as we are all 
 apt to be) at her own photograph. It is not com-
 
 tHE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 135 
 
 plimentary, but it is the image she has painted 
 on the foreign camera. She is delineated by a 
 native artist, perhaps, and becomes furious at his 
 want of patriotism. It may happen that he is 
 her best friend, and is but showing her to herself 
 as others see her. 
 
 The late Mr. Motley — the most chivalrous of 
 men — declared that some of the experiences of 
 his own countrymen in Europe upset for him all 
 his preconceived ideas. He had been bred in 
 that cultivated and conventional smaller circle 
 of American society whose members behave like 
 conventional people all over the world; but as 
 Minister at two foreign courts he was destined to 
 see the far more extensive type of his country- 
 women. It was an anecdote which he was fond of 
 telling, that a young lady wrote to him at one of 
 the two courts which he represented, demanding 
 of him that she should be taken into the best 
 society, and adding that she did not ask it as a 
 favor, but that she demanded it as a right. He 
 asked her if she had a chaperon. She said no, 
 but if that were necessary he must furnish one ; 
 adding -that, in her opinion, ''that was what 
 Ministers were sent to Europe for,*' 
 
 \
 
 136 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Her beauty and wealth, and her perfect gentle- 
 ness and innocence In all this demand, made her 
 a conspicuous and a valuable specimen. She 
 drove through Europe in a coach-and-four, so to 
 speak, disdaining advice, and feeling insulted at 
 any suggestion that she was outraging conve- 
 nances^ never reading insult in men's eyes, nor 
 suspecting evil. Having been taken all over 
 Europe for a Tartar princess, a Russian grand 
 duchess, an actress, a dancer, anything but what 
 she was, she came calmly home, married the 
 man of her choice, settled down in Indiana or 
 Connecticut, whence her daughter, when her 
 time comes, will go ofif on a similar jaunt. 
 
 Still, one may say that American women, do 
 what they will, cannot be more original or more 
 lawless, than are English women : therefore, why 
 is she more observed? This is a great mistake. 
 An English woman is ticketed. She is somebody ! 
 The Kickleburys on the Rhine were as curious 
 specimens to Lady Frances as is Daisy Miller to 
 the well-bred old lady with the gray curls ; but 
 Lady Frances knows her rank, and their want of 
 it, while the two Americans are, to all intents and 
 purposes, of the same social rank. Or, even more
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 137 
 
 confusing, it is possible that Daisy Miller may be 
 the daughter of an ambassador or a senator, and 
 the conventional lady may be Mrs. Smith, of 
 Smithville, and a nobody in European estimation. 
 They do not understand our political equality. 
 
 After leaving the gentle and ignorant women 
 who are innocently shocking Europe, and who 
 are being written up, almost ad nauseam, we come 
 to the larger class, who know better, and who are 
 either foolishly regardless of appearances, or who 
 are desirous of attracting attention. It is curious 
 that, amidst the adventuresses of all nations, the 
 American adventuress has so decided an origi- 
 nality. One would think that the type would be 
 somewhat monotonous ; but is there a city, a 
 watering place, a sea coast, a mountain pass in 
 Europe where some American woman is not seek- 
 ing notoriety, and is not doing it with a marked 
 nationality. 
 
 "Ouida," in her bad and foolish novels, hits off 
 occasionally this peculiar type. Her sketch of 
 Mrs. Henry V. Clams, in the novel of '* Friend- 
 ship," is a striking portrait ; and Anthony Trol- 
 lope has made some good but rather blundering 
 masculine attempts.
 
 138 TUfi AMERICAS CODE Of MANNftRS. 
 
 No wonder that the next innocent and ignorant 
 person who comes along mistakes Daisy Miller 
 for Mrs. Henry V. Clams, for externally their 
 lives are very much alike. Wild, disobedient, 
 foolish daughters of careless, indifferent, ignorant 
 mothers, they have not learned even to appear to 
 be respectful The European girl has at least 
 learned that. 
 
 In the city of New York an inteUigent foreigner 
 remarked that he could understand everything 
 better than the relation of daughter to mother. 
 In every other country it carried reverence, and a 
 certain simulated obedience, if not the real thing. 
 Here he saw in many most respectable families 
 daughters who did not even pretend to respect or 
 obey their mothers. It is an American disability, 
 the habit of respect, and undoubtedly shocks 
 foreigners, as it should shock natives ; but it is 
 perhaps inevitable in a republic : perhaps we 
 have thrown away too much. The mother who 
 has reverenced nothing herself is not apt to bring 
 up her daughters to reverence her. Whatever 
 may be the reason, the fact remains, and to this 
 may be referred some foreign misapprehensions. 
 There are very many well-meaning American
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 139 
 
 daughters who do not treat their mothers with 
 proper reverence of manner. 
 
 It is not worth a strong defense — that life of 
 people who live in any country but their own. 
 That idle, purposeless, scandal-loving, rootless 
 impersonal thing, known all over Europe as the 
 ''American Colony." is not worth the powder 
 by which it might be blown up. The most pam 
 pered alien misses so much in living abroad that 
 it is useless to attack her. What woman can 
 enter church, charities, society, or build her 
 hearthstone firmly in any land into which she 
 has sunk no roots V It is a woman's duty to 
 follow her husband, but yet what misery has 
 come of these mixed marriages, from which 
 ambitious mothers have hoped so much, and 
 for which foolish fathers have paid so much ? 
 
 Marriage is a very different thing to the Euro- 
 pean from that definite and respectable duty 
 which it represents to the American mind. It is 
 there an arrangement : it includes no necessity of 
 constancy ; the husband loses no social esteem 
 if he leads a life of recognized and open infidel- 
 ity. His wife is supposed to have been mort- 
 than paid for her money, her sacrifices and the
 
 140 THE AMERICAX CODE OF MANNBKS. 
 
 insults which she endures, if, oy the gift of 
 his title, he has introduced her to the Faubourg 
 or to the Prince of Wales ! 
 
 The story is as old as human folly, and will 
 continue until folly shall die, that hundreds of 
 American parents are ready and anxious to-day 
 to risk the happiness of their beautiful daugh- 
 ters, and to put their own necks under a finan- 
 cial yoke, to buy a title for them. No doubt, to 
 the poor girl, there has been real illusion here. 
 The foreigner has much that is fascinating in 
 mind and manner ; he treats hia flancde well, how- 
 ever he may treat his wife, and to her romantic, 
 inexperienced heart, what more fascinating 
 chimera — one in which wiser heads than hers 
 have indulged — of that possible probability 
 that in old renown there is promise of present 
 virtue — that a Clifford or a Howard or a Cond^ is 
 made of better blood than Jones and Brown, 
 and that a house which has been built for three 
 centuries is better wort;h living in than one which 
 was knocked up by contract last month. It is 
 not until she has experienced the humilia- 
 tions reserved for every hour of her life that 
 she finds she has lost her American nobility
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAIOfERS. 141 
 
 and rank, and has received dead sea apples in 
 exchange. 
 
 To a woman who is frivolous and made up of 
 vulgar vanity there may be gratification in see- 
 ing other Americans stare as her name and title 
 are called out at the door of an opera or a 
 Queen's drawing-room. That may repay her for 
 hours of abandonment, insult and a position 
 where she is always on sufferance ; but to those 
 who, with fresh hearts and with the honest in- 
 experienced hope of young womanhood, have en- 
 tered into these marriages, dreaming of happi- 
 ness, how many reaUze their dreams? How 
 rarely does the young American wife in Europe 
 look happy ? She has not love, honor, obedience, 
 troops of friends. She is separated from her own 
 family ; those who would love her and keep her 
 in sickness and in health are not by her side. 
 She is away from that land which recognizes her 
 as one who has no superiors. If she has not re 
 ceived positive insult, unmitigated wrong, and 
 determined cruelty, she believes herself happy. 
 But she has been patronized : 
 
 To the honor of these American wives of noble 
 and titled husbands be it said, as a rule, they
 
 142 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 have behaved well — they have not revenged 
 themselves. The American women who have 
 played most conspicuously the role of Bofiemienne 
 in Europe, and who have made the name of 
 American wife a scandal and a reproach, have 
 been, unfortunately, most frequently the wives of 
 plain American citizens. 
 
 " Is there anjrthing peculiar in your relation- 
 ship ?" asked an impertinent Guardsman of an 
 American lady. " You are the first American 
 woman whom I have ever seen traveling with her 
 husband.'" 
 
 But we may except two or three classes of 
 foreigners who make good husbands : men who 
 have a definite place in diplomacy, or in Gov- 
 ernment, or the army or navy ; men who have 
 .something to do. Whether it is from their educa- 
 tion, or from the firm anchorage of work, these 
 men do make better husbands than do the idle pos- 
 sessors of title, who consider it a disgraceful ne- 
 cessity to marry an American heiress. And, again, 
 there may be good lords and decent princes. Thej- 
 are not all bad : but if one of these marries an 
 American wife, and if he loves her and treats her 
 well, ten to one his mother does not spare her.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE O^ UXHTHZRS,. 14^ 
 
 The wife has no ancestral importance ; she does 
 not date back to the Conquest ; unlike Don C^sar 
 de Bazan, she cannot, in rags, "wear her hat in the 
 presence of royalty. ' ' She must be very handsome 
 and well dressed "in the presence of royalty," 
 and then, alas! perhaps royalty takes 'too much 
 notice. 
 
 We cannot immediately educate the daughters 
 of people who have suddenly stepped into the 
 responsibilities of crude and unmanageable pros 
 perity in the etiquette of the quiet, elegant, edu- 
 cated, thoughtful people who have for a century 
 or more pursued the even tenor of an American 
 aristocracy. The two classes are living side by 
 side, and until lately one class was quite oblivious 
 of the other. A Daisy Miller is an unheard of, 
 unknown, rather doubtful monster to a calm gen- 
 tleman who has only known the polished women 
 of his own clearly-defined set. He does not be- 
 lieve in her. But let him travel through the en- 
 Airons of our great cities, shake off his own asso- 
 ciations ; let him go to the very pension where she 
 talked to her courier, and he will find her. She is 
 a republican outcrop, inevitable, but sure, and — 
 sure to be misunderstood in Europe.
 
 144 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 It seems sometimes quite impossible that an 
 American woman, with the dowry of quick intel- 
 ligence and imitative faculty which has made 
 her so clever an artist, so skillful a musician, 
 so honorable in her desire for education, and so 
 well dressed and so well mannered, as she almost 
 immediately becomes after contact with the 
 world, should remain so oblivious of the evident 
 proprieties which she shocks, and which no well- 
 intentioned woman wishes to shock. Yet here is 
 where she fails. The very absence of reverence for 
 her mother, of which she is not perhaps fully aware, 
 which dates back to her nursery, makes her im- 
 patient of advice and angry at the implied dis- 
 belief in her own knowledge. An American girl 
 in Europe does not like to be told that she must 
 not treat her courier with familiarity. She does 
 not like to be told that she appears badly on the 
 Pincian Hill. She would ratfier appear badly 
 than to be told of it. The great moral purity of 
 these American girls, the honor in which women 
 are held in America, the utter want of morbidity 
 in the relations between men and women, has, 
 from its very rareness and impossibility to a for- 
 eign mind, done very much to help along the
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 146 
 
 mistake. In illustrating this phase of his fair 
 countrywomen, Mr. Henry James, jr., cannot 
 be too highly praised. His beautiful story of 
 "Madame de Mauves" should never be forgot- 
 ten. He knows how good they are, and he has 
 said so. 
 
 Of American snobbery, of the bowing down to 
 a lord— who has not seen and regretted it ? That 
 is a phase of our repubhcan education which we 
 would fain ignore. But there are few diseases 
 cured without a severe, heroic remedy, and after 
 a thorough diagnosis. We may as well accuse 
 ourselves of our own national sins, and take the 
 bitter pill at once. We are in the position of 
 soldiers who will not obey the word of command. 
 If Americans do behave in either a savage or a 
 snobbish or an ignorant way in Europe, it is well 
 that they should confess it to themselves, or 
 else to bear the sarcasms patiently which are 
 showered down on them by English authors. 
 They can escape all by a slight attention to the 
 laws of a recognized etiquette, nor need they 
 lose one particle of self-respect by so doing.
 
 146 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA>nSTCRS. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 SOCIAL OBSERVANCES TOWABD FOREIGNERS AND 
 TOWARD OUR OWN GRKAT PEOPLE. 
 
 THE way to treat a great man or woman who 
 visits you is to do the best thing you 
 can in your own way. A slavish imitation of 
 the manners of one particular country, whose laws 
 and whose rank is different from ours, would be 
 absurd, and would deprive every nation of its 
 individuality and of all interest, if carried too 
 far. 
 
 For instance, it would be absurd for us to at- 
 tempt to treat Prince Leopold with the thousand 
 courtesies which would only be understood and 
 properly carried out by the Norroy King-at-Arms. 
 We should receive him ^vith great respect — we owe 
 that to ourselves — but in a truly American man- 
 ner, as we would one of our own distinguished 
 men, with the added interest and hospitality 
 which we owe to every stranger. The running 
 after such a person, the staring at him as if he 
 were made of different clay, is absurd, weak and
 
 THE AMERICAN COBE OF MANNERS. 147 
 
 ridiculous. It is essentially rude, too ; it is a 
 coarse and a vulgar thing to follow a royal prince, 
 to let him for one moment consider himself a 
 target for the gossiping observation of a thought- 
 less crowd. 
 
 Respect and good feeling being the background 
 of manners, people with those two qualities 
 need hardly be told how to behave under any 
 circumstances. It may be well, however, to ob- 
 serve one or two little details. 
 
 English people, especially princes, do not ex- 
 pect to be shaken hands with ; that is an Ameri- 
 can custom. The French princes who came over 
 to fight under McClellan— the Comte de Paris 
 and Due de Chartres— cultivated this pleasant 
 habit, and made themselves very popular ; but 
 the old Prince de Jotnville, their uncle, who 
 came with them, and who was a sailor and the 
 most democratic of princes, never could bring 
 himself to do it indiscriminately. He had been 
 too near the Old World etiquette, disturbed as it 
 had been, even in his day. It is well for Ameri- 
 cans to remember this, and to content themselves 
 with a low bow. 
 
 After the ceremony of presentation, if the royal
 
 148 THE AMERICA:^ CODE OF MAJTSERS. 
 
 visitor, or any other visitor, honors our private 
 houses with his presence, vee should simply see 
 that he is taken in first to supper or to dinner ; 
 that little concession to Old World etiquette is 
 only decent, because anything less would look 
 like an insult ; but, after that, we need not trou- 
 ble ourselves to be especially particular ; in fact, 
 we must avoid being fussy, which is the worst ex- 
 cess of amiability . 
 
 As for our own great people — a president, for 
 instance — we should treat him with more honor 
 than we do — very much more. 
 
 In inviting him to our houses we should be 
 careful to see that he and his wife are conducted 
 first to the refreshment table. No one should, 
 either from carelessness or indifference, begin to 
 eat at a reception given to the President before 
 he has been helped. This we owe to the common 
 decencies of life. 
 
 On the arrival of the President and suite at a 
 small town in the interior, the business of receiv- 
 ing him properly is often laughingly discussed 
 by the inhabitants. The proper etiquette would 
 be for a delegation of the first citizens to meet 
 him at the train and to conduct him iu one of
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 149 
 
 their own private carriages to the house where he is 
 to stop, unless public ceremonies should interfere. 
 And then lie should be first privately consulted 
 as to his own desire for rest and refreshment 
 before he is compelled to receive the good people 
 who wish to see him. If he consents to a recep- 
 tion, let one be given to him, of course ; and each 
 person who enters should be presented to him 
 first by host and hostess, but there should always 
 be a thought for the private rest and refreshment 
 to an over-fatigued man. 
 
 It is always an agreeable thing for a great man, 
 a traveled man, a much shaken-handed man, to 
 be taken to some luxurious, quiet, private house, 
 where an amiable and accomphshed hostess 
 knows how to treat him with dignified courtesy, 
 and to be let alone occasionally ; for the hour 
 of rest and the "not being obliged to talk" are 
 boons highly prized by the public man. 
 
 To appear in the front rank, to follow up a 
 great man, to be the star which shines with re- 
 flected lustre, these are the attributes of the snob 
 and the bore ; and scarcely ever do we see a public 
 reception to a distinguished luminary that the 
 lesser satellite is not present also. There are men
 
 150 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 who have no sense of delicacy on this point — 
 women who make themselves into notorieties as 
 lion-hunters, and as the most disagreeable of 
 bores, because they cannot be put down as men 
 can. Their sex, unfortunately, protects them ; 
 but if they could hear the whispered criticism, they 
 would gladly reform their too-officious manners. 
 A capital article could be written on this subject 
 alone ; indeed, as referring to a whole class of 
 such, a recent English paper says : " People often 
 imagine that if they could only get the entree into 
 some envied clique, their position and happiness 
 would be assured for life. At last the much-de- 
 sired opportunity presents itself, and they enter 
 the celestial portals. Their surroundings, when they 
 find themselves there, may possibly surpass their 
 fondest wishes, but, as regards themselves, all is 
 not satisfactory : on the contrary, they are con- 
 scious of a complete, indescribable failure. They 
 are painfully conscious that they have nothing in 
 common with the inhabitants of their longed-for 
 Paradise, and these exalted beings give them clearly 
 to understand that they look upon them as flies in 
 their ointment. To have the cup of happiness 
 snatched from one's grasp just as one is putting
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 151 
 
 it to the lips is mortifying, and the sense of 
 disappointment to one's fondest hopes is even 
 worse. In these days ' society ' is the most run 
 after of all the /will-o'-the-wisps,' and there 
 are many thousands of people whose highest 
 desire is to be on a familiar footing with some 
 coterie, which especially commends itself to their 
 tastes. They are ever on the watch for an oppor- 
 tunity for inserting the thin end ol the wedge 
 into the desired set. There is great diversity 
 of opinion as to what is the most delectable 
 of earthly circles, but one or two descriptions 
 taken at random will easily exemplify the 
 common experience of searchers after social 
 perfection." 
 
 The snob must have anything but an agreeable 
 experience in thus trying to get in where he is 
 not wanted. He is ever the marplot of tljese 
 public attentions to distinguished people, and is 
 to be particularly dreaded. 
 
 If a family wish to entertain a president or a 
 prince, they should be careful, in issuing cards, 
 that their invitation is explicit and in good 
 grammar. Many invitations read absurdly. a.s 
 this sort of thing :
 
 152 THE AMERICANS CODE OF MAlTinEBB. 
 
 " Mrs. Brown at home. July 1st. to meet Presi- 
 dent Hayes. ' ' 
 
 Mrs. Brown thinks that she has invited you to 
 meet President Hayes, whereas she has only re- 
 corded a truism. She should have said : 
 
 Mrs. Brown 
 
 requests the pleasure of the company of 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Smith, 
 
 on Friday evening, July Ist, 
 
 to meet 
 
 The President 
 
 and 
 Mrs. Hayes. 
 
 Or it is proper, in giving a large entertainment, 
 to have the card printed thus : 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Brown request the 'pleasure of 
 your company at luncheon, on Tuesday, March 
 2d, to meet 
 
 The President 
 
 and 
 
 Mrs. Hayes. 
 
 1 o'clock. 18 E. Kent street. 
 
 Many sticklers for the old-fashioned and most 
 respectful etiquette, however, object to this use 
 of the words " your company," and say "whose
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 153 
 
 company?" They take the trouble to insert the 
 name always, but that becomes so well under- 
 stood through the address on the outside of the 
 envelope, and the trouble is so enormous, that in 
 our republican code of manners we may insist 
 that the latter printed form is sufficiently cere- 
 monious. 
 
 Some question arises in country neighborhoods, 
 where there are no Delmonico cooks, as to 
 whether a hot lunch or a cold one is the most 
 in order. We say a cold lunch, as being more 
 convenient and always sure to be better ; such 
 dishes as chicken salad, cold ham and pressed 
 meats, ice cream. Charlotte Russe and blanc- 
 mange, jelly and cake, being easily prepared 
 before, and all within the power of every good 
 housekeeper ; while, if you have not a French 
 cook, hot dishes, like sweetbread and peas. 
 croquettes and terrapin, filet de boeuf and game 
 pies, are apt to be very poor, particularly if the 
 lunch is delayed. It should be the business of 
 every country housekeeper to study up egg salads, 
 lobster and chicken salads, the common salads 
 from the garden, and all the preparations of 
 potted meats, which are excellent, such as
 
 154 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Melton veal and chicken, cold, with a vegetable 
 salad, all of which come in well at a hastily im- 
 provised lunch. A potato salad can be made to 
 be perfectly delicious and very ornamental. 
 
 Morning entertainments have become very 
 fashionable in these later years, but they have 
 not, of course, obliterated the ball, the evening 
 party and the evening wedding. It is to be hoped 
 that they never will, for gentlemen find it difficult 
 ro be present at these day parties. Our work-a-day 
 country, thank Heaven, finds something for every 
 man to do, in the daj^time ; it is only occasionally 
 that a man can come up town before dinner. 
 Therefore, hostesses should accept the added 
 trouble, and give their entertainments in the 
 evening, if possible. There has been too much 
 shirking of this sort of responsibility in favor of 
 the more easily gotten-up tea at five o'clock — a 
 very much overdone form of entertainment. 
 
 While it is always proper to give a foreigner his 
 title, as it is respectful to call a person by his real 
 name instead of being sure to call Mr. Cromwell 
 Mr. Carroll, or Mr. Cheeseborough Mr. Chees- 
 man, or Mrs. Sherman Mrs. Sherwin, as some 
 people always do, yet it i.s not Tery easy to find out
 
 THE AMKRICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 155 
 
 how to address a prince, a duke, or an archbishop 
 simply by looking into any English book of eti- 
 quette. In England they avoid using the title as 
 much as possible when talking with a very exalted 
 person. We, as republicans, are not expected 
 to know all the details, and if our manners are 
 agreeable and polite, and not too excruciatingly 
 respectful, we shall be forgiven for little lapses 
 of the unintentional kind. 
 
 A too great familiarity and appearance of inti- 
 macy should be avoided with such a person. How- 
 ever courteous an English duke may appear, he 
 really resents any attempt at familiarity. Never 
 slap a foreigner on the back, or touch his elbow, 
 as is common enough between young American 
 men. It is considered abroad the highest insult 
 to touch the person. A young midshipman 
 going abroad for his first cruise treated a party 
 of princes and noblemen who came on board his 
 ship at some port in the Mediterranean as he 
 had been in the habit of treating his own fellow- 
 (iadets, and he was challenged to five duels the 
 next day. It took the whole force of the Ameri- 
 t;an navy to get him out of this particular scrape. 
 It would not injure our own manners if a little of
 
 156 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MLAJfNERS. 
 
 this resi)ect for the dignity of the body were 
 more observed. 
 
 Women going abroad should be very careful 
 not to assume the insignia of rank. American 
 women have been known to go into foreign 
 society wearing coronets, which is absurd. A 
 lady once wore the Prince of Wales' plimie in her 
 hair, and was requested to not do so again. The 
 fondness which American women have shown for 
 title and gilded equipage of rank has caused 
 them to be laughed at abroad and at home, 
 and they tell of one ecstatic young lady, who 
 said that she ''loved to breathe an air which 
 was thick with archdukes and princes.'' These 
 women are the toadstools — even worse than 
 mushrooms — of our best society. They are the 
 exceptions, and not the rule. 
 
 In receiving and entertaining distinguished 
 foreigners, try to find out first if they are genuine. 
 We are often captured by a bogus lord or a 
 fictitious count. Try to be always on guard. 
 Remember one fact, that the best-bom men are 
 not fond of parading a title. General Grant did 
 not go over Europe sa>ing •' Here am I ' the 
 soldier of the world : the man, who. after Wei-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 157 
 
 lington, has the highest military renown ; the 
 President, twice, of the United States !" No ; 
 those who wanted to see General Grant had to 
 go and find a modest little man, smoking in some 
 back parlor. 
 
 So of real lords and real dukes, and great 
 men of Continental hereditary title — they are 
 generally silent, quiet men, anxious to be let 
 alone. Occasionally an exceedingly jolly and 
 agreeable man, like the Earl of Dufferin, appears, 
 and is as entertaining as if he had no greatness 
 to carry around. Lord Houghton was also sin- 
 gularly gracious, convivial, and fond of seeing 
 everybody. The Dean of Westminster was 
 frightened and shocked at being so followed in 
 America, and asked if people were not mistaken 
 as to his real position, not knowing that, in his 
 case, we loved his truly excellent and liberal 
 breadth of character. 
 
 We, perhaps, effuse too much, and in the 
 wrong place. Let us study dignity and quiet 
 repose of manner. As a nation we need it.
 
 158 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 YOUNG PEOPLE AT A WATERING PLACE. 
 
 THE conduct of young American women at a 
 watering place has been the prominent and 
 eloquent text of the English traveler, from the 
 days of Mrs. Trollope down to Sala. Indeed, 
 the more sober-minded of our own people have 
 not been silent on the subject. The beautiful 
 young women who desire to be seen, and who 
 mistake notoriety for fame, are pleased with the 
 sensation they create, and after them comes, 
 laboriously,the rather passe'e, fast, married woman, 
 wh(5 is nursing her rapidly decaying powers, and 
 who believes that if she is noisy and vulgar and 
 flirtatious, she will be especially commended as 
 a belle. 
 
 To go out into the surf in one of those very 
 (UcoUete and sleeveless bathing dresses, which are 
 worn at D'Ouville and Trouville (and mentioned 
 by the not too scrupulous Ouida with abhor- 
 rence) ; to be loudly commended by a set of fast 
 men for some outrage upon the sober order of
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF xMANNERH. 159 
 
 the beach ; to dress in a conspicuous manner at 
 breakfast ; to lounge about on the piazza at New 
 London, Long Branch, Saratoga or Richfield 
 in a negligee only suited to one's bedroom ; to 
 drive three ponies abreast ; to be loud, defiant and 
 brazen— has been the plan of too many Ameri- 
 can women in the great publicity of a watering 
 place, even by the mothers of families, as well as 
 by their coarse, unsexed daughters. This has 
 been the custom altogether too frequently for the 
 good name of American women. Flirtation goes 
 on conspicuously at these places, and the reporter 
 of a newspaper is blamed, if, in giving the newt< 
 of the day, he tells what he sees. 
 
 The wholesale violation of good manners and 
 'of etiquette is shocking, and it has led to uni- 
 versal misapprehension on the part of observ- 
 ing foreigners as to the morals of American 
 women. No other people like to live in public 
 as we do ; no other people except the demi monde 
 of Europe and their foolish imitators flirt, dance, 
 swim, eat, drink, amuse themselves so unrestrain- 
 edly before any number of very careless critics. 
 We are gregarious ; we like to spend the summer 
 in a great crowd— to eat, to drink, to listen to
 
 160 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 music, to drive and to bathe with our dear five 
 thousand friends. But we should, in so doing, re- 
 member that the greater the crowd, the more 
 should each individual be "on guard," and the 
 more should each person envelop himself, or her- 
 self, in a wrapping of personal dignity. 
 
 The appearance of a handsome young married 
 woman at a fashionable watering place— one at- 
 tended by a large crowd of adorers, a woman 
 who may have a husband who is well-known 
 politicaBy and financially— is always a fact 
 patent to the whole world, reported by 
 the newspapers, and commented upon by the 
 thousand who go and come at a watering 
 place. To conduct herself so that even the 
 breath of slander shall not be attached to her 
 name is the study of an honorable lady. 8he 
 dresses quietly; she thinks of little things ; she is 
 courteous ; she does not stay out late at her 
 yachting parties ; she is not seen too much with 
 one gentleman. If she be the wife of a public 
 official, she should not give any one the power to 
 say that she is spending the public money. No 
 suspicion of bribery or corruption should attach 
 itself to her.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 161 
 
 And as for young people, there should be no 
 picnic, no yachting parties without a chaperon ; 
 no staying out late in the evening ; no driving off 
 on a coach without some "mamma " to quell the 
 overflow of rising merriment. Young ladies have 
 no idea of the group of moody, jaundiced men of 
 the world who sit at the smoking end of the piazza 
 and say dreadful things of women. Of course 
 these critics cannot be commended, but they 
 should be disarmed by the propriety of the women. 
 
 Many an innocent girl has been slandered who 
 did not deserve the harsh criticism : but if 
 she would remember what she did, and how she 
 looked, and what company she kept at a watering 
 place, perhaps she would be very sorry that she 
 had innocently helped along the slander. 
 
 There is always enough that is reprehensible 
 going on. Some disingenuous girl is decei\ing 
 her mother, flirting with some forbidden beau . 
 some arrant coquette is carrying on her game : 
 some married flirt is occupied with her robust 
 determination to be talked about ; some Mrs. 
 Skewton is painting her eyebrows and trying to 
 pass for a young beauty; some interloper into the 
 ranks of respectability is carrying on her dan-
 
 lOZ THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 gerous game : all these are the companions, daily 
 and hourly, of the innocent, respectable and un- 
 suspecting ladies at a watering place. 
 
 Is it not all an argument for the preservation 
 of quiet, dignified and proper manners ? Who 
 wishes to be taken for what she is not ? We all 
 want our rank, the advantage of good morals, 
 good antecedents and a good reputation in every 
 respect. Shall we then throw it away for a mo- 
 ment's trivial laughter V 
 
 The habits of a watering place in America vary, 
 of course, with the situation. A lone hotel. 
 which brings people into very close juxtapo- 
 sition, is the very hot-bed of gossip. The 
 idlers have nothing to do but to talk of 
 the busy ones. Each young couple is watched 
 as they wander off for a stroll on the beach, a 
 sail at twilight, a drive or a swim. At the gi'eat. 
 crowded sea-side places, like Coney Island and 
 Long Branch, there is less gossip, unless some 
 woman makes herself very prominent. It is 
 amazing to see how much less men exploit their 
 contempt of appearances at a watering place 
 than women do. It would seem as if some wo- 
 men lost their senses when they got into a crowd.
 
 THE AMERICAN OODB OP MANNERS. 163 
 
 The intimacies and flirtations between young 
 unmarried girls and young married men, which 
 have unfortunately become so fashionable and so 
 very much observed at watering places lately, 
 are much to be deprecated. The sorrow and 
 shame which has resulted from these very im- 
 proper intimacies, but which society winks at, 
 have been enormous. Families become hopelessly 
 estranged, and, of all the sufferers, the innocent 
 girl is the most to be pitied. She has not known 
 at all " what the world will say." 
 
 Of the flirtations of married flirts with young 
 men, the world is full. But although this custom 
 lowers the tone of society, no one is to be pitied, 
 for the husband should have courage enough to 
 rule his wife and to prevent his own disgrace. 
 The man who suffers his wife to be talked about 
 deserves all the shame that he gets. The woman 
 who flirts is old enough to know better ; no one 
 cares very much what becomes of her; and, as for 
 the young man, he accepts with his eyes open the 
 danger and the disgrace of the whole position. 
 So, while it is one of the most crying evils of our 
 republican society, there is very little to be said 
 about it, except to warn mothers not to let their
 
 164 THE AMBRICAJJ CODE OF MANNERS, 
 
 daughters have anything to do with a young 
 married flirt at a watering place or elsewhere. 
 There is no burden on earth like that of a flir- 
 tatious woman tied to an honest man. 
 
 A very competent critic, speaking of our young 
 people, justly says : 
 
 "The evils arising from the excessive liberty 
 permitted to American youth cannot be cured by 
 laws. If we are ever to root it out, we must 
 begin at the very bottom. Family life must be 
 reformed. For children, parental authority is the 
 only sure guide. Coleridge well said that he who 
 was not able to govern himself must be governed 
 by others, and experience has shown that the 
 children of civilized parents are as little able to 
 govern themselves as the children of savages. 
 The liberty or license of our youth will have to be 
 curtailed. As our society is becoming more com- 
 plex and artificial, like older societies in Europe, 
 our children will have to approximate to them in 
 status, and parents will have to waken to a sense 
 of their responsibilities, and subordinate their 
 ambitions and their pleasures to their duties." 
 
 Mothers should mingle more in the pleasures 
 of their daughters. If young men knew that
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 165 
 
 they must invite the mother first to a din- 
 ner, a drive or a picnic, before inviting the 
 daughter, it would make the surest correc- 
 tion of one of the evil manners of the day. 
 He who has two oars to his boat is surer 
 of winning the race than he who has only one. 
 A man who treats the parents of the young 
 lady whom he likes with respect is apt to have 
 their assistance in winning her. 
 
 Too youthful marriages are to be deprecated. 
 Men often regret deeply through life the mis- 
 takes made in their green youth in the choice of 
 a companion, whom Time has proved unworthy 
 of them. Again, they look back upon those early 
 love affairs, which were once of so much import- 
 ance — those heartbreaks which once seemed so 
 severe — and find that the sting of parting was a 
 very healthy pain, and they are very glad they 
 were saved from a marriage which would have 
 been so very uncongenial. Indeed as a man 
 surveys the choice of his youth, and finds her 
 ignorant, frivolous, sordid and unworthy, he 
 often blames his friends that they were not 
 more severe, and did not keep him from such 
 a mamage,
 
 166 THE AMBBICAN CODE OF MAIJNBES. 
 
 A woman bows with more submission to her 
 married fate, whatever it may have been. She is 
 obliged to, and religion and duty both help her 
 to wear her yoke. But, sometimes, does she not 
 'VNash that the foolish fancy and flirtation of a 
 watering place had been thwarted ? and that she 
 had been forced into a longer acquaintance, and 
 a more deliberate period of reflection before she 
 took that fatal step which can never be recalled. 
 
 If young engaged couples go to a watering 
 place, they should avoid any outer demonstrations 
 of devotion. This is in the worst taste. The 
 gentleman should strive to avoid exhibitions of 
 jealousy if his fiancee chooses to dance with 
 another man, and the lady should be equally cool 
 over her lover's behavior. Many an engagement, 
 however, has been broken off at a watering place, 
 or after a summer at one. It is often a crucial 
 test of constancy. 
 
 It is quite proper at a watering place to speak 
 without an introduction to those whom you meet 
 every day. Gentlemen should always raise their 
 hats to their fair fellow-boarders, and the ac- 
 quaintance of ladies on a hotel piazza can hurt 
 no one. The day the party leaves the hotel, that
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 167 
 
 day the acquaintance can cease if the people so 
 choose. 
 
 A young man must be careful not to be push- 
 ing, and must, of course, be introduced to a party 
 of ladies, or one young lady, before he could offer 
 her any civilities or ask her to dance ; but for the 
 elderly and the married there need be no such 
 stiffness. Half of the pleasure of a watering- 
 place life is the informal chat, the picking up of 
 a new acquaintance, the insight into a larger life. 
 
 As for the cads, the pretenders, the adventur- 
 ers, the scamps, the demi-monde ladies, who try to 
 get into good society, they always manage to 
 get very well introduced, and bring letters to 
 some prominent lady, or are the guests at some 
 dinner given by some social amphytrion. They 
 are, therefore, not kept out by any stiffness of 
 manner, for they take care to be well introduced. 
 It is only after the summer is over that such peo- 
 ple are unmasked; often they have been the 
 patronized favorites of some very scrupulous 
 lady. This great carelessness of giving letters, 
 the audacity of adventurers and their success, 
 are great troubles in our republican society. 
 There seems to be no possibility of curing the
 
 168 THE i^EEKICAJf CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 evil ; therefore all the greater necessity of a 
 proud personal dignity. 
 
 It is feared that there is not so much principle 
 exhibited in giving letters to a man whose char- 
 acter is little known as there should be. Cer- 
 tainly, many very reprehensible foreigners have 
 arrived on these shores with most excellent letters 
 and have turned out to be swindlers, forgers and 
 sometimes even murderers. The success of cer- 
 tain actresses and mock countesses will be well 
 remembered by their victims, and such women 
 choose the American watering place as their chief 
 battle ground. The sudden disappearance of 
 some such prominent favorite is often remem- 
 bered and commented upon, and then the dupes 
 find out whom they have been receiving. 
 
 It seems strange that any careful parent can 
 take a family of daughters, year in and year out, 
 to a watering place. The manners of such young 
 ladies do not always compare well with those of 
 the denizens of quiet country homes, nor do such 
 young ladies marry as well, as a rule. They come 
 to have the undesirable nameless reputation of 
 " college widows." Yet it is a verydifiBcult ques- 
 tion to settle — *' where to go for the summer."
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF IVfANNERS. 169 
 
 Country places are expensive, and very lonely 
 Young people desire society, and, alas I so do 
 their elders. Married ladies get tired of house- 
 keeping, and like three months of rest. The 
 American watering-place hotels are the most 
 splendid and comfortable in the world ; therefore 
 the problem is easily solved by going to the most 
 gay, the most amusing, the most brilliant watering 
 place. If the young lady talks slang, and her 
 mother is rather too easy in her manners, the stiff 
 Englishman who sees them as he puts up for 
 a day at Newport, Saratoga or Long Branch, 
 goes away with the impression that all American 
 women are rowdyish. But perhaps his specimens 
 do not care ; so, except to the quiet and well- 
 behaved, there is no harm done. 
 
 Newport, as being at once " home and watering 
 place," is the least objectionable of all our sum- 
 mer resorts. There etiquette reigns supreme. It 
 is elegant, refined, exclusive. But it is not easy 
 of access. It is the home of the very rich, but 
 it is the queen of all watering places, in this 
 country or Europe. 
 
 "Call no society good until you have sounded 
 its morals as well as its manners."
 
 170 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 A HAUGHTY HOSTESS. 
 
 MANY a woman suddenly raised to rank 
 and power in the Old World, as well as 
 in the new. has thought that she was improved 
 by her assumption of a mock dignity. There 
 have been instances, too, in our Republic of a 
 supposed addition to one's importance in the 
 disagreeable and atrocious display of bad man- 
 ners toward the friends invited to one's house. 
 
 It is not a rare thing in New York for a person 
 to invite guests to her house for the purpose, it 
 would seem, of insulting them. The manners of 
 a hostess who has apparently made a party ir 
 order that she may show to half her guests tha* 
 she despised them are certainly not ornamental, 
 but they are not altogether impossible. It used 
 to be the distinguishing mark of certain old 
 ladies — who, like small beer, had turned very sour 
 with age— but it is also assumed now by some 
 younger women, who imagine -hat it gives them 
 a species of importance.
 
 THE AMEKICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 171 
 
 Lady Holland in England, a woman whom no 
 other woman would visit, assumed a very imperti- 
 nent manner, perhaps to ward off insult. She 
 would order Macaulay to stop talking, and tell 
 Tom Moore that he was frivolous. She would 
 command one man to carve, and another to move 
 further down. The men bore it because they 
 liked Lord Holland, who had been foolish enough 
 to remove this amiable creature from another 
 man's house. She was the wife of Sir Richard 
 Vassall. She had run away with Lord Holland. 
 
 It is to be hoped that our haughty hostesses 
 have no such evil memories behind them ; but 
 there are instances in Boston, New York, Wash- 
 ington, St. Louis and Cincinnati, and perhaps in 
 other cities, of women who, having wealth, hand- 
 some houses, and a desire to entertain, are still 
 so bad-mannered and ill-tempered that they 
 absolutely invite guests in order to insult them. 
 One lady in one of these cities has a national 
 reputation for bad manners, and people are 
 afraid to go to her house lest she should be 
 overtaken with a desire to be uncivil. It is 
 the extreme of bad manners. The Arab knows 
 better; the wild Indian is a gentleman in his
 
 172 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 dirty lodge ; the man who eats your salt is sacred, 
 and if a woman is rude anywhere else, she aught 
 to be most gracious at home. There is no such 
 detestable use of one's privileges as to be rude on 
 one's own ground. 
 
 A hostess should think well before she invites 
 people. She should be so generous as to let her 
 friends alone^ unless she wishes to treat them ^ell. 
 Then, having made up her mind to invite them, 
 she must remember that from that moment she 
 is their slave. She is to be all attention and all 
 suavity. If she has nothing to offer them but a 
 small house and a cup of tea and a smile, she is 
 just as much a hostess as if she were a queen. If 
 she offers them every privilege, and is not cordial, 
 she is a snob, a vulgarian and a poor greature. 
 
 Not a thousand years ago a lady of New York, 
 who, through her husband, enjoyed a very nigh 
 social position, was led to invite— rather against 
 her will — a lady who had but just entered the 
 portals of good society. This lady came to re- 
 ceive a cold bow at the door, and every possible 
 insult of averted looks and neglect from the 
 hostess. The conduct was so small, so mean 
 ind narrow, that a gentleman saw it and re
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAJflSTERS. 173 
 
 sented it. He was a leader in every sense, and 
 he took occasion, before the evening was OTcr, 
 to say in the presence of his hostess that he 
 thought a person who was invited to a liouse 
 "to be ill-treated" merely, immediately became 
 very interesting. 
 
 Mrs. Nouveau Riche, who was sitting quite 
 alone, "began after this to experience a great im- 
 provement in her enjoyment. Her hostess, Mrs. 
 OldDones, became all attention. She took up 
 gentlemen to introduce to Mrs. Nouveau Riche, 
 and haughty dames in brocade began to solicit 
 the favor of a presentation. 
 
 Mr. Winkeye, who had produced this change, 
 was very much amused, and he afterwards said 
 to Mr. Oldbones, loud enough to be heard hj 
 everybody : 
 
 "By the way, Oldbones, I give a dinner next 
 week to Mrs. Nouveau Riche. 1 have just one 
 seat left ; hope you'll come." 
 
 He was very careful not to invite Mrs. Old- 
 bones, whose conduct was so unworthy of a lady, 
 and who had outraged the Srst decency of good 
 manners. 
 
 A hostess should be very particular U> specify in
 
 174 THE A.MERICA2f CODE OF MANT^ERS. 
 
 her invitations whom she wishes to see, and no 
 lady should go to a strange house unless she has 
 received a card. A young gentleman may be 
 taken, uninvited, by a married lady, because the 
 married lady is all-powerful, and is supposed to 
 indorse the respectability and the presentability 
 of the gentleman ; but a lady must always receive 
 a card. 
 
 If, however, through any misapprehension, 
 some person gets into a house uninvited, a hostess 
 should never show, by look or manner, that she 
 observes it. The very fact that a person has 
 crossed her threshold gives that person a claim 
 upon the hostess. 
 
 A few years ago a strange mistake was made. 
 Two ladies of the same name gave an enter- 
 tainment within a few doors of each other. 
 Many persons got into the "vvrong house. 
 The hostess who gained that day the admir- 
 ing comments of all New York was the woman 
 who received perfect strangers as if they 
 were her best friends, and made them friends 
 by that gracious reception. The other lady, less 
 well bred, said to a gentleman who approached 
 ber;
 
 THE AMERTOAN CODE OF MAmfRRS. 175 
 
 " I think you have got into the wrong house, 
 haven't you?" 
 
 " Yes," said he. •' I thought this was a lady^s 
 house !" 
 
 It was a terrible revenge, but a perfectly justifi- 
 able one. 
 
 In a rural university town there were two pro- 
 fessors of the same name, and one of them asked 
 a stranger gentleman to tea. He went to the 
 house of the wrong professor, whose wife re- 
 ceived him in a very chilling manner. The poor 
 man bore it very courageously for awhile, but 
 finally ventured to say : 
 
 " Your husband invited me to tea." 
 
 " Oh, no !" said this haughty hostess. " It must 
 have been the other Professor S ; my hus- 
 band never asks anybody to tea !" 
 
 It occurred to this gentleman to say : "I should 
 advise them not to accept if he did," but he 
 merely bowed and departed. 
 
 A hostess has so very charming a position, 
 if she is amiable, that one wonders that even 
 the temptations of power could lead her to 
 be unamiable. She is in her hour of hostess- 
 ship, perhaps, at the acme of a woman's ambi-
 
 176 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 tion. It is her place to make a number of 
 people happy, to see that they are well fed, 
 well introduced, and not too warm. She is the 
 person of all others to whom every gentle, sweet 
 emotion, and every grateful feeling turns. A 
 hostess at a pretty country house is very much 
 to be envied, as she can, without much effort, 
 make everybody happy. A hostess in the city 
 can become an enormous social power; if she 
 has tact and a certain intelligence, she becomes 
 the envied of men and the admired of women. 
 That she should ever use this power to make 
 herself disagreeable is most amazing. If we had 
 not seen it done, we should hardly believe it 
 possible. 
 
 A hostess should never reprove her servants In 
 the presence of her guests. All that worries her 
 must be carefully concealed from them. It is her 
 place to oil the wheels of the domestic machinery, 
 so that nothing shall jar. It is quite impossible 
 that In this country, where our servants are the 
 worst In the world, they should ever be so 
 trained that something may not go wrong. But 
 the hostess must not appear to notice it. If sfie 
 is disturbed, flustered and miserable, who can
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 177 
 
 enjoy anj^thing ? There is no such utter mistake 
 as to lose one's temper, one's nerve, one's com- 
 posure, in company. Society may be a false 
 condition of things, but, whatever its faults, it 
 demands of a woman the very high virtues of 
 self-command, gentleness and composure, polite- 
 ness, coolness and serenity. Good manners are 
 said to be the shadows of virtues ; they are 
 virtues. To be polite is a virtue of the highest. 
 
 One of the greatest trials of a hostess is to find 
 that her good dinner is kept waiting. It is a 
 good plan to invite people for a half hour earlier 
 than the dinner is really to be served, for that 
 allows for the difference of watches and the well- 
 known want of punctuality of certain fashion- 
 able women. There is no greate?- compliment 
 than this same punctuality ; it is the "courtesy of 
 kings." Queen Victoria and the Prince of Wales 
 never keep anybody waiting. 
 
 But in our fashionable society there is a great 
 want of punctuality. Those same women who 
 dare to be haughty hostesses are always late at 
 other people's dinners. It is the same audacity, 
 impertinence, rudeness, which makes the hostess 
 haughty that also makes her late.
 
 178 THE AMERICAN CODE OE MANNERS. 
 
 The amiable hostess bears the ruin of her fish 
 and soup with equanimity. She smiles and bows 
 as graciously when a late comer enters, buttoning 
 her gloves, as when she sees Mrs. Earlybird enter. 
 Mrs. Earlybird, all beautifully dressed, enters the 
 room just as the clock strikes seven. She is 
 cheerful, chatty and pleased, and makes her host 
 and hostess feel perfectly satisfied with their en- 
 tertainment. The party begins when Mrs. Early- 
 bird gets there. What wonder that she has more 
 invitations than she can accept, from October to 
 June ? What wonder that she is so popular ? 
 
 Mrs. Heavyfeather. on the contrary, is aston- 
 ished that, with all her spending of money, 
 and her old family, and her grand house 
 and her fine clothes, and her frequent en- 
 tertainments, she is not asked to the little 
 dinners, the pleasant small feasts. She is sad 
 over her want of popularity. Does she know 
 that she is a haughty hostess, giving a very 
 cold forefinger to half her guests, while she is 
 very warm and cordial to the other half ? Does 
 she know that her face assumes an entirely 
 different expression when she speaks to Mrs. 
 Oldbones from what it wears when Mrs. Nouveau
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 179 
 
 Riche appears? Mrs. Heavyfeather despises a 
 great portion of the human family. She does not 
 like any one who cannot radiate some sort of 
 importance upon her. 
 
 Why, then, does she invite them v There is the 
 illogical part of it. Mrs. Heavyfeather knows 
 that, to be a success, her party must be very 
 crowded. To be a success she must have not 
 only nobs, but snobs. She wants to bow low to 
 the nobs, and to patronize the snobs. It Is a 
 part of her ignoble nature to do both ; and she 
 likes to assure Mrs. Nouveau Riche, with a very 
 mutilated bow, that she hopes, " really, that she 
 is very well — indeed, quite well !" 
 
 To patronize is a very great necessity to some 
 natures. There is not much opportunity for 
 the exercise of it in a land where all men 
 are free and equal — but there is some. 
 A haughty hostess deprives herself of her own 
 Inheritance. Every one wishes to feel kindly 
 to the woman who asks him to her house. 
 There is something very gracious in the act ; and 
 a man comes prepared to make himself agreeable, 
 and a woman hopes to both be received graciously 
 and to appear pleasantly. If the hostess throws
 
 180 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 a bucket of cold water over them by her cold, 
 frigid and inhospitable manner, both men and 
 women wish that they had stayed away. 
 
 English women have great pride of birth, and 
 are by nature and education haughty. They 
 know their importance, and they receive, from 
 childhood, a certain homage from their in- 
 feriors. The cottager bows as he passes, and the 
 cottager's wife drops a courtesy to the lady of the 
 great house. The servants are infinitely respect- 
 ful, as they would be turned out without a char- 
 acter instantly if they were not. All this tends 
 to give an air of haiUeur and dignity to an Eng- 
 lish lady, as she is always made aware of her own 
 importance. But they are generally charming 
 hostesses — they learn it as an art. They are 
 taught early the great duties and the responsibili- 
 ties of a hostess. They are taught how to re- 
 ceive, how to make people welcome, how to be 
 the head of the house and the core of welcome. 
 No one would care to hear, in an English country 
 house, that Lady Amabel had made herself 
 disagreeable. Neither the Duke, her father, nor 
 the Earl, her husband, would ever forgive her if 
 she had made the country Member's wifa un-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 181 
 
 happy or had neglected the curate. " Noblesse 
 oblige " is written over those stately castle walls. 
 English hostesses are far more to be depended 
 upon than American hostesses, who, in the 
 midst of great wealth, and with every means of 
 entertaining, are often rude, neglectful and very 
 dull, because, perhaps, they have no instinct of 
 hospitality and no sort of knowledge of their 
 duties. 
 
 We would advise every young American hos- 
 tess to study well the art of being a model one. 
 She should improve herself upon all subjects of 
 etiquette ; she should especially create for herself 
 a cordial and polite manner ; she should try to be 
 as serene as a summer's day, and to keep all that 
 troubles her out of sight. If she entertains, she 
 should remember that her guests are before her- 
 self, and that her house is theirs. She Aoes not 
 give a party to herself, but to them. Above all, 
 let her avoid the vulgarity of stooping low to 
 her rich or titled guests, while she snubs the 
 rustic clergyman from the country. If there is 
 a plain and modest person in the room, let her 
 especially direct her kindness to that obscure 
 corner where he stands. Noblesse oblige .'
 
 182 THE AMERICAiJ CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF CARDS. 
 
 A CARD is the beginning and the end 
 of etiquette. Ic is the Alpha and 
 Omega of all social intercourse. It is the 
 first introduction, and the final leave-taking. 
 Those little pieces of white paste-board, if 
 imperishable, will in their amount, their many 
 mscriptions, puzzle the New Zealander, who 
 disinters New York after 4,000 years, as we 
 are now examining old Egypt. What are they ? 
 will be the question. What do they repre- 
 sent? * Was it the money of that strange 
 people ?" will ask the Brugsch Bey of the future. 
 
 Indeed, the card business multiplies itself so 
 infinitely, that a wit once suggested that there 
 should be a "clearing house" for cards, where 
 Mr. Brown and Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones should 
 leave their cards for each other on the first day 
 of November, and by this interchange, carefully 
 managed by clerks, escape all the ennui of leaving 
 cards during the year. The idea is a good one,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 183 
 
 nnfdrtunately impracticable, as the sentiment of 
 personal attention lingers around the card still. 
 
 The card should be a plain piece of white card- 
 board, not glazed, and the name should be 
 engraved in script. Some people still cling to 
 old Roman letters, t» old English, and now 
 and then a fac-sLrdle of the handwriting. 
 These are not in the highest fashion, which 
 reduces all things to the simplest form. 
 A lady's card should be larger than that of a gen- 
 tleman, and should have her full addre^p, and 
 her residence in the left-hand corner, unless she 
 wishes to use her card, as she often does, for in- 
 \itation.s to teas and small parties. Gentlemen's 
 cards almost invariably, in England, have the 
 address in the left-hand corner. 
 
 In leaving cards, the lady of the house leaves 
 her own, her husband's, and those of her sons 
 and daughters who are out, on families whom 
 she knows or wishes to know. If this is a first 
 call, the civility should be returned within a week. 
 
 In giving an entertainment, a lady incloses her 
 hu.sband's card to all who are invited for the firs* 
 time. It is equivalent to a call on his part. In 
 callini^, after a dinner or party, the lady also
 
 184 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAJTNERS. 
 
 leaves her husband's card, as he, in this country, 
 is almost always too busy to make calls. 
 
 First invitations should always be responded 
 to courteously, cards left, and a proper recogni- 
 tion of the civility, even if the invited guests do 
 not wish to keep up the acquaintance. It often 
 happens to those who have a very large ac- 
 quaintance, and who have met with, per- 
 haps, adversity or sorrow of some kind, that 
 they cannot enlarge their acquaintance easily. 
 Let it be then manifested carefully and with 
 true attention to the feelings of those who 
 invite you, that you are obliged and compli- 
 mented by their manifest kindness, even if you 
 cannot avail yourself of it. To return a card, or 
 to say "This has been sent by mistake," and 
 other so-called mubs, which have heretofore been 
 perpetrated in New York, is to write yourself 
 down a " snob" and a vulgar person. 
 
 The younger should call on the elder. The 
 new-comer has a perfect right to send his cards 
 to the old resident. The sending of a card hurts 
 no one's self-respect, and if it is not returned no 
 one is killed. The natural delicacy of every sen- 
 sible person will prevent his intrusion upon a
 
 I 
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 186 
 
 social queen, whose position is so very well 
 known to be of the highest that she can discern 
 from her lofty station whom she wishes to know, 
 and whose visiting list is probably over full. 
 Two persons, however, who are upon the same 
 social plane need never fear to call first. It is 
 generally regarded as a compliment, and the 
 person who has the most perfect self-respect is 
 generally the one to do it. 
 
 The custom of making universal morning calls 
 has become impossible in New York ; therefore 
 most ladies have a day, or three receptions, or a 
 tea, thus allowing all their friends to see them 
 once a year. If impossible to go to see them on 
 these occasions, send a card for every member of 
 the family invited, and your duty to that lady is 
 over for the season. 
 
 No lady leaves her own card upon a gentle- 
 man. She sends the card of her husband and 
 son, if she chooses, and then asks him to dinner, 
 if such a civility be necessary. 
 
 When young ladies leave their mother's card, 
 there is the same respect expressed as if the 
 mother called in person. Many ladies who are 
 elderly, or invalid, or devote, or otherwise disin-
 
 186 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAJfNERS. 
 
 clined to social labors, leave all this work for 
 the younger, who are fresh and strong. It is a 
 great pity that so many American mothers do 
 retire from the social governance of their 
 families : but, if they do, the card is still all- 
 potent, and the lady visited must consider her- 
 self visited by the lady of the other house. 
 
 Cards should always be left for guest^ visiting 
 at a house, if the lady calling knows of their 
 presence. This, of coarse, in a large city, is not 
 always possible : but, if possible, it is very civil. 
 
 P. P. C. cards are no longer left or sent when 
 people are simply leaving town for the summer. 
 Indeed, only when a prolonged trip abroad is 
 proposed is the custom ever observed. The 
 bridge across the Atlantic is now so short and 
 easy a one that few people consider it neces- 
 sary to mention that they propose crossing it. 
 They are always in order if a foreigner is 
 leaving a country where he has been a visitor. 
 Indeed, a fashionable woman, on coming in 
 from her afternoon drive, reads the cards 
 on her hall table as a merchant reads his 
 day-book or ledger. It is her debit and credit 
 account. It is a record of her social bankruptcy
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 187 
 
 or her soundness. Some ladies have so large an 
 acquaintance that they go to protest at once, and 
 hope that by giving some receptions next winter, 
 etc., they may pay their debts ; others have so 
 small a one that they are always creditors and 
 never debtors. For all, the little white messen- 
 ger, engraved with a name, is the ready-money 
 of society. 
 
 In Europe calls are returned in twenty-four 
 hours. There are no exceptions to this rule, and 
 often a titled foreigner, or a quiet gentleman 
 from Oxford, or a diplomatist, is startled and 
 wounded because his card is not returned imme- 
 diately. Here Americans should be more partic- 
 ular about this, and the formalities of dress 
 should be observed. An American general was 
 thought to be intentionally rude once, in Europe, 
 because he returned the call of another general 
 in his traveling dress. He thought it all right ; he 
 had called or not as he pleased in America, in a 
 new or an old coat, the subject of etiquette had 
 never engaged any of his personal attention ; 
 but it is the observance of these formalities 
 which makes society polished and possible. Were 
 there not some such laws society would be full
 
 188 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 of careless men and boors, and would relapse 
 into savagery. Men should always dress for din- 
 ner, and should never call on a lady in the even- 
 ing in the season unless in dress coat and white 
 cravat, with feet neatly dressed. A black cravat 
 is permissible if a gentleman is in mourning. 
 
 •* If a gentleman does not respect me suflBciently 
 to dress himself freshly before he calls on me I 
 do not wish to see him," said a lady of immense 
 popularity in New York, and she absolutely made 
 the law of her salon peremptory, as all ladies 
 should. 
 
 As for " watering-place etiquette," it has never 
 been settled, and never will be. People who 
 know each other will nod and exchange visits 
 at neighboring villas and boarding houses and 
 hotels if they wish, or neglect it if they wish. 
 There is no law about it. If a stranger arrives 
 it is very proper to send a card, and to make the 
 acquaintance, if a lady has been staying a long 
 time in the hotel. 
 
 If Mrs. Oldbones receives a card from anybody 
 in her hotel she is bound, after suitable inquiries 
 as to the respectability of the parties, to return 
 it, She need not know the people intimately
 
 THE AMBRICAN CODE OF MANNERS, 189 
 
 afterward, but she should always recognize the 
 civility. 
 
 Cards should be left in person on hearing 
 of illness, or the death of a friend, or any 
 trouble which society can sympathize with, 
 whether at home or at a watering place. Good 
 nature, kindness of heart being the foundation of 
 good manners, they should always be the expo- 
 nents of these feelings, whenever and wherever 
 they may be called upon to express themselves. 
 
 When a gentleman becomes engaged to a lady 
 he must inform all his own family and particular 
 friends, and ask them to call upon her. The 
 sooner this duty is performed the better the deed. 
 No gentleman should ever notice or receive as his 
 friends again those who fail to pay this attention 
 to his betrothed. 
 
 No lady should, however, presume on her en- 
 gagement to a gentleman to call on his friends. 
 She must wait to be invited. 
 
 A New Year's call used to be considered 
 enough in old New York for the whole year's 
 civilities, but that fashion has, owing to the size 
 of the city, become obsolete, and few ladie?! r*^- 
 ceive.
 
 190 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 If a card is printed " Mr. and Mrs. John Brown,'' 
 one should be left on the lady with the corner 
 turned down if she is not receiving, and an- 
 other, with "Mr. John Brown" only, for the 
 husband. The one card of "Mr. John Brown" 
 is enough for all the younger members of the 
 family. If cards are left once in the season they 
 need not be left again, excepting after an invita- 
 tion to dinner, or to a ball or party. It is not 
 necessary to leave cards after a tea. 
 
 It was once considered an intentional rudeness 
 if a lady gave out that she received on Thursdays 
 for people to call on any other day or to leave a 
 card otherwise than personally, or to send a card 
 by mail. But in a great city these rules become 
 moperative, for no lady can fulfill all her duties 
 in person. The only insult which a society per- 
 son is bound to resent is the persistent ignoring 
 of these rules. A card sent by mail is now 
 recognized as an attention, ladies having found 
 that the distances, the engagements and the 
 carriage hire will not permit of their making all 
 their calls. 
 
 If a gentleman is invited by a lady to call upon 
 her, he should call within a week. He is not to
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 191 
 
 be forgiven if, after being invited, he does not 
 call at least within a month. Some New York 
 young gentlemen never call, but go on receiving 
 and accepting invitations for years. Some kind 
 friend should, at least, leave cards for them in 
 such oases. 
 
 When young ladies are betrothed in Europe, 
 the fiance is regularly introduced to all of his 
 bride's family by card. This is not done here, 
 nor are visits of congratulation en regie. They 
 are paid, however, by the members of the family 
 and the intimate friends, and generally a number 
 of little dinners follow. 
 
 The conduct of engaged people toward each 
 other is nowise regulated here as in Europe, but 
 it may be said generally that they should not be 
 seen alone together at watering places too much, 
 should not display fondness in public, and should 
 not render other people uncomfortable. 
 
 Calling hours in New York are from two o'clock 
 until six, and, unless expressly stated on a lady's 
 card, one can consider these hours respectful to 
 her. If she issues a card as being at home be- 
 tween four and six, it is the height of rudeness to 
 call earlier.
 
 192 THE A3IBRICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 If, by any chance, a lady is admitted to a draw- 
 ing-room by a stupid servant, and the lady of the 
 house finds it inconvenient to receive, the lady 
 calling should not feel offended if she is told so. 
 A hostess may be lying down, or ill with a head- 
 ache, or may be very busy, or she may fear to 
 keep her guest waiting while she dresses. 
 She has, perhaps, instructed her servant to say 
 that she is engaged, but he has, no doubt, for- 
 gotten that ; so she is very awkwardly placed. A 
 message civilly worded should never offend. 
 
 A card should never be left by a young gentle- 
 men for a young lady without also including one 
 for her mother ; or, rather, he should first inquire 
 for her mother, and, if possible, the mother 
 should assist her daughter to receive. Calls made 
 on a reception day do not require separate 
 calls afterward, nor need a gentleman leave 
 but one card behind him on such a day. 
 Indeed, the habit of leaving a dozen cards was so 
 overdone by one yoimg gentleman, that a little 
 boy of the family collected them together and 
 handed them all back to him. There is such a 
 thing as being too polite. 
 
 It is a very common practice now with people
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 19o 
 
 who hold their position in society somewhat by 
 virtue of assumption, rather than by any merit, 
 to give a ball or a reception, and, while inviting 
 half their most desirable acquaintances to the 
 ball, simply send their visiting card to the other 
 half. This is an unkind thing to do — a rudeness. 
 It would be much better to omit the visiting- 
 card. The return for such a mutilated civility 
 would properly be a card by post, if, indeed, any 
 notice should be taken of it at all. 
 
 As for weddings in church, tliere is a question. 
 Where shall the cards be sent ? How often are 
 we asked to see a couple married in church when 
 we neither know the bride's mother nor the fu- 
 ture address of the married pair ? Shall we leave 
 cards with the sexton ? It is impossible to call 
 on a bride until she sends her married address. 
 
 A lady often uses her visiting card as the me- 
 dium for an invitation. The '' four-o'clock tea " 
 is almost always given thus informally, while all 
 should call personally and leave a card who can. 
 There should be a wide forgiveness for those who 
 are obliged to send their cards by post or by a 
 servant. The principle of politeness remains the 
 same.
 
 194 THE AMEBICAK CODE OF MAKNBR8. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 FLIRTATION AND INCREASING FASTNESS OF 
 MANNER. 
 
 IN our American Code of Manners we cannot 
 afford to paint merely one side of the shield ; 
 we must look at the dark as well as at the light 
 side ; we must ignore nothing. And the melan- 
 choly truths — the facts which tell against us as a 
 nation — must be recognized if we hope to improve 
 or to gain any credence for our opinions on what 
 is proper in the subjects which we are con- 
 sidering. 
 
 It is, therefore, absurd to deny the facts before 
 us. Flirtation is more openly indulged in by mar- 
 ried women, even those who are old enough to 
 have grown-up daughters, than ever before, and 
 fastness of manner is certainly rapidly on the in- 
 crease. Whatis worse, it often assists a woman to 
 succeed, and has been the cause of the up- 
 lifting (if it may be so called) of several women 
 to the peerage of England, and to other positions 
 of power and fashion.
 
 THE AMERICAN OODB OF MAIfNBRS, 195 
 
 It is very well known that several women have 
 risen to high positions in New York society — they 
 would not have been heard of else— by their so- 
 called '* flirtations" with fashionable men. 
 
 The performances of several fast girls in New 
 York, now somewhat conspicuously married in 
 Europe, the success of one or two married women 
 gifted with beauty and talent and blessed with a 
 serene indifference to decency — these are all facts 
 which we have before us, and from which we 
 must sagely draw conclusions. 
 
 Innocent young women, pretty, and naturally 
 desirous of admiration, look at these women- 
 wonder and admire. Unfortunately, too, they 
 copy them— sometimes with great talent and suc- 
 cess, sometimes awkwardly, and these failures be- 
 come only laughing-stocks. . 
 
 This tendency of short-sighted people to gain 
 advantages somehow — honestly if they can, but to 
 get the thing desired — is the oldest mistake in the 
 world. 
 
 It is the mistake of the gambler, who gains in 
 an hour the fortune which a hard-working man 
 may pant after for years in vain. It is the mis- 
 take of the superticial in every profession.
 
 196 THE AMEBIC A>- CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Quackery succeeds where modest merit fails in 
 more professions than that of medicine. 
 
 In regard to American etiquette this mistake 
 has been most prejudicial. We had no Queen to 
 do what Queen Victoria has just done. 
 
 When the Prince of Wales asked for Windsor 
 Castle that he might entertain his friends for a 
 week after the Ascot races, the Queen demanded 
 a list of his visitors. When this was refused, she 
 very properly shut the gates of Windsor Castle in 
 the face of the Prince .and his hangers-on- 
 American and English. She knew very well 
 that he intended to invite a set of fast American 
 and other favorites of his whom she would not 
 admit at her drawing-room. 
 
 The gloomy Queen deserves this tribute of per- 
 petual respect — she. does mean to keep her Court 
 a decent one. Much honor to her for it. 
 
 Flirtation thus being one of the high roads to 
 fashionable notoriety, and, falling in with the 
 elderly vanity and egotism of silly women, we 
 may not be surprised to see the woman of fifty 
 assuming the graces of sixteen, and occupying 
 the corridors and piazzas of watering-place hotels 
 with feeble attendant swains. It is a melancholy
 
 THE iLMEBICiLN CODE OF MANTTEBS. 197 
 
 spectacle to those who desire to respect or love 
 the woman, particularly to her sons and daughters. 
 But her end is gained if somebody says : " Oh, 
 Mrs. Feathercap is such a very fascinating 
 woman to gentlemen !" She dresses, poses, and 
 lives painfully, to reach this goal, and becomes 
 the worst model for her young countrywomen to 
 follow. 
 
 Flirtation among the young is forgiven, because 
 it is very like the best and noblest event of 
 human life — a true and honest love affair. It is 
 a very good artificial rose — very like a real 
 one ; therefore we pref «r it. Youth and high 
 spirits being good things to have, we forgive 
 their excesses and pardon their follies. There is 
 no doubt that a coquettish and flirtatious girl, 
 however, although she may become very fashion- 
 able, the reigning belle and the toast, is danger- 
 ously periling her chances for a good marriage by 
 her habits of freebootery. No man cares to marry 
 a free lance. Let her catch her fish, land him 
 safely, and then, as a young married woman, 
 let her go in and win as a married flirt. She 
 will gain a fashionable position and a detestable 
 reputation.
 
 198 THE AMBRICAN CODE OF MANNEBS. 
 
 Such are some of the evils of a society which 
 is, as a German Minister at Washington described 
 it, " aU scrabble.^ ^ To scrabble for a position, an 
 invitation, a fortune, an heiress, a " good match," 
 is the natural destiny of a young American who 
 has everything to gain and nothing to lose. There 
 is nothing to reverence, to look up to, socially. 
 Every man (and woman) carries the god whom he 
 would serve in his own bosom. He must be lofty, 
 mean, generous, grand, low, honest, or the re- 
 verse, /or himself. He has no precedents of nobil- 
 ity, as to manners — no standard ; he is his own 
 ancestor. 
 
 The excellent common sense of the American, 
 the natural respect for law and order, has placed 
 the American gentleman in the past at the very 
 head of etiquette, has given him grave and admir- 
 able manners ; and thousands of American wo- 
 men have been ladies in the highest sense of the 
 word, from innate refinement and purity. But 
 particularly since our war, and the sudden 
 making of great fortunes, the coming up of 
 new people from every part of the country, we 
 do see a lamentable break in the refinement of 
 manners and in the correctness of conduct of
 
 Tffil AMBBIOAH OODB OF MANNBRS. 109 
 
 American women. They not only outrage eti- 
 quette, but they are applauded for so doing. 
 
 Such, of course, is the criticism upon that por- 
 tion of our society known as the ultra-fashionable. 
 '< Do not," said an English gentleman— himself of 
 the highest aristocracy—" do not consider the pro- 
 fessional beauties, and the fast women who com- 
 pose the set of the Prince of Wales, as types of 
 English society. They are the fungi which grow 
 on the old oak. When the Prince becomes king 
 he will kick the whole fabric of fashionable fast- 
 ness out-of-doors." 
 
 It would be well if we could look forward 
 to the day when any such regeneration would 
 come to us. But we have no royal breath to 
 blow the bubble away. It is to be feared that 
 these are the setters of a fashion which may last 
 for years. 
 
 Now let us look at the results of such manners 
 and such morality. 
 
 We all know that if a gambler makes a large 
 fortune and attempts to enter society what a cer- 
 tain ostracism awaits him. He cannot be elected 
 to a club ; no lady will, if she has any respect for 
 herself, invite him to a ball at her own house.
 
 300 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 He is a tabooed man, and the wealth he holds 
 carries a curse with it. 
 
 Now, what sort of a fate accompanies the fast 
 girl who has married for money or place, has 
 misbehaved herself, and has become a divorcee, 
 even if she marries an earl ? 
 
 Can she, even in that lofty station, get away 
 from her shame ? Can she travel to any city, or 
 country, or solitude, where her crime is not 
 known ? There is a brand on her forehead Which 
 the coronet cannot hide. Anonymous letters 
 follow her. Her eyes glance furtively about the 
 Casino, the Koursaal, the concert-room, the hotel, 
 to see if those who knew her when innocent are 
 looking now ! The man who has married her is 
 watching her furtively, for who can trust such a 
 woman ? Splendid misery ! — the worst kind of 
 misery is her portion. Do not envy such a 
 coimtess, young women of America ! nor copy 
 her flirtation or her fastness. Her glory is noth- 
 ing but ashes. 
 
 Remember, too, looking at the subject from 
 the low standpoint of self-interest, that a 
 copy is never so good as the original. Perhaps 
 this so-called successful woman has an extra-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 301 
 
 ordinary talent, a brilliant wit, a remarkable 
 fascination, which you have not. Those gifts 
 were but the ignis fatuus which swamped her ; 
 yet they were brilliant, delusive, and led men on. 
 You may, indeed, have those gifts in being " fast 
 and flirtatious ;" without them you will only 
 make a conspicuous failure, and no one will say : 
 " But she was, poor girl, so beautiful, so gifted !" 
 No, they will simply say: "She was such a 
 dreadful fool !" 
 
 No success which is not honestly gained is 
 worth a pin. If it is money, it stings; if it is 
 place and position, it becomes the shirt of Nessus. 
 
 But for the well-mannered and well-behaved 
 American woman, what a noble success, what 
 a perfect fame, what a delightful future ! She 
 is the present and the future of American 
 nobility. All men bow down to her. She is the 
 queen of the man who loves her ; he treats her 
 with every respect. She is to be the proud 
 mother of sons and daughters who, to their 
 latest day, will say : "Let me be a gentleman, 
 let me be a lady, for my mother taught me how 
 to be one. It was she who taught me honor, 
 loyalty, duty, respect, politeness, kindness, the
 
 202 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 law of love. Let me aspire to be what my mother 
 was, and I need not fear to present myself at any 
 court. I can read of Sir Philip Sidney without a 
 blush. I can make myself a tjnpe of all that is 
 perfect in etiquette and breeding if I but re- 
 member her maxims and her example." 
 
 Will that be the self-communing of the children 
 of yonder countess ? No ! they will color with 
 guilty shame when her name is mentioned. She 
 has thrown away the divine right which a 
 mother has — or should have — to the respect of 
 her children. 
 
 An American woman, therefore, has more 
 reason for being not only good, but elegant and 
 refined than any other woman. She has to make 
 precedent and public opinion. She has a patriotic 
 reason for her good conduct. She is the Republic. 
 Let her not pose to become that shameless God- 
 dess of Liberty whom the French revolutionists 
 carried about in a cart ; let her rather be that 
 gentle-eyed Madonna whom the Christian Church 
 worships. 
 
 The institution of chivalry first, and the Chris- 
 tian Church afterward, raised woman from the 
 lowest position and placed her in the highest.
 
 THK AMERICAN COBR OF MANNERS. 20:*- 
 
 She gained all that respect, affection and dignity 
 which alone can make her lot endurable. For 
 women must suffer much— it is their destiny. 
 
 It seems impossible, looking at the question 
 pliilosophically, that a woman could willingly go 
 back to the position of Delilah. 
 
 Those who saw the great actor, Salvini, saw 
 with him an excellent actress named Piamonti. 
 She played Ddilah to his Samson, and every one 
 who saw her admired the genius with which, 
 when she came out into the crowd, she assumed 
 the position and face and expression of an out- 
 cast. 
 
 Beautiful, powerful, beloved when with her 
 master alone — treacherous, fascinating and terri- 
 ble when she was shearing his glorious hair— she 
 became cringing, timorous, like a hunted animal, 
 when men looked at her in the crowd. She 
 kept away from the honest women ; their eyes 
 hurt her like daggers. She was like a blind 
 person when a young girl walked past her. 
 Disgrace, shame, death was the portion of 
 Delilah ! It was a great conception. And 
 yet, if they did but know it, fast and flirta- 
 tious women are imitating Delilah. Her fasci-
 
 304 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANKERS. 
 
 nation and treachery, her prostitution of her 
 charms— this is what they copy ; they call it by 
 a different name, that is all. They demoralize 
 every man who approaches them, for a man's 
 idea of virtue is that which a woman teaches 
 him. The worst of men respect, honor and rever- 
 ence a strict woman. She is a power in the state, 
 and a "thousand liveried angels lackey her." It 
 is in the power of every woman to make some 
 man, perhaps many men, good or bad. She holds 
 his salvation in her hands. 
 
 These are grave reflections for a book of eti- 
 quette, but they are not unnecessary ones. 
 Etiquette must be the expression of the manners 
 of a nation— its manners express its morals. 
 No coimtry can have any pretensions to good 
 manners unless the women are modest and most 
 dignified. They carry in their gentle hands the 
 only rod of empire to which American men will 
 bow. Let them remember this, and try to do all 
 that an empress should do — be a model to look 
 up to, a pattern in every virtue, a suggestion of 
 all grace, and, above all, to convey a gentle dig- 
 nity and reserve in speecL. gesture, manner. 
 
 American women talk and laugh too loud.
 
 •THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 205 
 
 They are seldom taught to speak with a clear, anti- 
 nasal voice ; they are often boisterous, and even 
 at Vassar College, where women receive a most ad- 
 mirable education, and at the fashionable board- 
 ing-schools in New York, there is not enough at- 
 tention given to elocution as applied to ordinary 
 conversation and reading aloud, that beautiful 
 art so much neglected. 
 
 The English are far ahead of us in this ac- 
 complishment of a beautiful speaking voice and 
 a refined intonation. An English parlor-maid 
 will say, *' Might I offer you a chair ?" in a voice 
 which almost any New York lady could envy. 
 Whether it is our climate, and the many severe 
 colds which our ancestors must have taken on 
 Plymouth Rock, and which effectually ruined 
 the larynx of their descendants, it is certain 
 that the bronchial membrane and the larynx does 
 not respond as well in this country as in England. 
 Hear what a fine, broad, open note an English- 
 woman sounds when she begins to talk ! Sweet, 
 too ! not discordant, nasal, poor, as are so many 
 of our voices. '• A low, sweet voice is an excel- 
 lent thing in woman," and it does much to refine 
 a coarse appearance, if one is afflicted with such.
 
 206 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 But American women are almost always beau- 
 tiful. It is only when the peacock begins to sing 
 or talk that we discover that beauty does not 
 always strike in. Let every American woman 
 study her voice and her elocution. It is the next 
 best thing to avoiding " flirtation and fast man- 
 ners."
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 207 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 THE MANNERS OF YOUNG MEN. 
 
 u "TXT HEN I despair of the Republic," said 
 f y an eminent statesman, '* I look at an 
 American boy, and my fading hopes reyive," 
 
 There are no young men in the world with 
 more faultless manners than the best American 
 young men. Manly, simple, unaffected, respect- 
 ful, and remarkably graceful, the young American 
 man is conceded to be admirable the world over. 
 A graduate of Harvard or Yale, a cadet from 
 West Point, a youth who has worked his way up 
 from poverty to good position, it is all one, they 
 are wonderfully well-mannered. There is some- 
 thing in the air of equality and of liberty which 
 is good for them. They behave better, as a class, 
 than do the young women of America, for they 
 are so chivalrous that they have partly spoiled 
 the women. 
 
 Compare a young American of eighteen to a 
 young Englishman of that age and you find 
 that the Englishman is a cub. The latter is
 
 208 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 long in ripening. He has not the ready speech 
 of the American, or his ease, or his pleas- 
 ing address. He may know more, but he 
 does not appear so well. The Englishman will 
 be a finer man at sixty than the American, 
 but he is not half so attractive in youth. 
 Compare the young Frenchman of the same 
 age ; he is not half so noble. He tells lies, the 
 French boy, which the American boy despises. 
 It is not considered by the Latins a disgrace to 
 lie ; but the Anglo-Saxon abhors a lie. 
 
 Ars^ne Houssaye says of a young Frenchman : 
 " In what does he differ from a pretty woman ?"* 
 He is not so pretty, and that is about all ; in 
 everything else, about on the same level. His 
 mind is occupied about in the same way, and 
 when he has thought over his toilette, his furni- 
 ture, how to play his little parts of a young gen- 
 tleman, he is at the end of his chapter of ideas. 
 I studied his bachelor neglegee, his pantaloons 
 with socks attached, his charming summer coat 
 with vest to match, and the exquisite mauve 
 cravat which he wore around his standing collar, 
 with its fresh turned-down points. His chin is 
 smooth shaven, but his ample whiskers are joined
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 209 
 
 by his mustache, and over his face there fiits, by 
 turns, a blase air and a look of self-satisfaction. 
 His hands are white and soft, and on his pink 
 fingers he wears a large ring ; from time to time 
 he lifts his hands to let the blood run out of them. 
 Sometimes, by a mechanical gesture, he carries 
 them to his ear, which is small, or to his collar, 
 a chef d^omvre of taste and audacity. He un- 
 derstands his smile ; he moderates it, or keeps it 
 half-way between ease and ennui.'''' 
 
 This is an admirable picture of a French fop. 
 We have a few successful copies in this country, 
 but not many. Our young men are manly, busy 
 and unaffected as a rule. 
 
 No wonder Ars^ne Houssaye asks, " What is he 
 good for ?" as he pursues this masterly sketch of 
 the feeble, vapid, selfish creature whom he 
 sketches. 
 
 " In my time," says he, " men were crazy about 
 politics and literature. I belonged to the society 
 for the regeneration of the human race." 
 
 It is true that the girlish young man of to-day 
 is a product unknown in the past. The fop 
 and dandy of the days of Count d'Orsay and 
 Cecil and Lord Byron— what men were they ?
 
 210 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Poets, sculptors and soldiers. '' The puppies 
 fight well," said the Duke of Wellington, in 
 Spain. 
 
 But our puppies of to-day— would they fight V 
 —could they write V No ! a thousand times, no ! 
 
 The fop of the nineteenth century, looking 
 about to marry money, is the most useless and 
 ridiculous creature in all the world v 
 
 No wonder that great Hotspur says of a certain 
 lord, " who was perfumed like a milliner :" 
 
 '" For he made me mad 
 To see him shine so brisk and smell so sweet 
 And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman." ^ 
 
 Hotspur would have many occasions to-day to 
 thus adjure the effete popinjays, even in New 
 York. But he would not, we are grateful to say, 
 find many at large in America, nor would he find 
 many "untaught knaves — unmannerly." The 
 exception proves the rule. 
 
 The young men of our new country, however, 
 should study manners, and proper dress, and 
 proper courtesy ; it is their duty, if they have 
 not already done so. Their tailors and their 
 observation will tell them how to dress. Neatness 
 should be their first and firmest ally; then no
 
 The AMERICAN CODE OP MAN^HJRS. 211 
 
 matter how plain their clothes. A young man 
 should never be too fine for his work. Coarse 
 heavy shoes for walking, coarse and plain clothes 
 in the morning, and always a change for dinner 
 and the evening. Fresh stockings and neat- 
 looking feet are indispensable, and clean linen is 
 the very alphabet of gentility. He must remem- 
 ber to not intrude, even on the people who invite 
 him most, to call always after an invitation, to 
 make his calls short, ''to suffer himself to be de- 
 sired" rather than make himself common. These 
 are the merest preliminaries of good breeding. 
 In the matter of attention to ladies let him re- 
 member Dean Swift's advice: "A man's atten- 
 tions to a woman should never be so vague as 
 to be misunderstood, or /so pronounced as to 
 alarm." Let him, if he wishes to marry a lady, 
 go about it honestly. There is no matter so im- 
 portant as this in all etiquette, that a man ap- 
 proach his possible bride by the straight high 
 road of honor./ He should ask her parrents for 
 permission to address her before he asks her 
 own. 
 
 And after the engagement he must still remem- 
 ber that she is not his. He must be careful of
 
 212 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 those appearances which might compromise her. 
 He must remember that engagements may be 
 broken, and at all events preserve her for future 
 happiness with another, if Fate so wills it. 
 
 This is the duty of a high-bred and chivalrous 
 man, such as most American men are. They are 
 the noblest men in the world. 
 
 There are, to be sure, American savages— men 
 who use the bowie-knife, who drink like the 
 hippopotamus, who fight duels, play cards, are 
 wildly, furiously passionate, unsafe, desperate. 
 They dress like fiends, wearing, perhaps, a con- 
 glomerate of frock coat, white tie and broad 
 Quaker hat, or dress coat and black pantaloons in 
 the morning. They neither know nor care for eti- 
 quette, and yet, what have these savages which 
 foreigners have not ? Of what trait can even 
 they boast *? 
 
 They have a respect for women. Their speech 
 grows decent, their manners kind, their excesses 
 are restrained if a woman walks near them. 
 
 It is a splendid national peculiarity. The 
 London rough has no such soft spot. He 
 beats his women : he insults all women ; he 
 neither fears nor respects them. As for the
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 213 
 
 Frenchman, his external politeness toward the 
 heau sexe is very marked when he wishes to pro- 
 pitiate, but his contempt for them is always 
 patent, and his cruelty is that of all weak, selfish 
 and hideously-corrupt creatures. He can see the 
 wife of his bosom starve with the greatest 
 possible complacency, and he has no pity on his 
 cast-ofP lady-love. Yet, simply respecting women, 
 the American young man, starting as he does in 
 nine cases out of ten from the soil, having no 
 antecedents, can, with a little attention to the 
 recognized code of etiquette, become the most 
 perfect gentleman in the world, for he has the 
 foundation. 
 
 His native respect for women will teach him 
 not to smoke in her presence, without asking 
 permission. He will pay all attention to elderly 
 people ; he will dress himself properly for all and 
 every occasion when he is to meet ladies. 
 
 Above all things, he will restrain any propensity 
 to take too much wine at dinner on any festive 
 occasion. 
 
 A man half drunk is so ridiculous an animal, so 
 utterly to be spumed from decent society, that it 
 seems almost impossible that he should be
 
 214 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 tolerated. Yet the fault seems to be one which 
 society, for some mysterious reason, condones, 
 particularly in rich young men. A drunken man 
 is so unsafe, he is so much a marplot, so 
 inconvenient and so disagreeable, that this 
 is a defect which would be supposed to 
 be irremediable. Unfortunately it is not so. 
 There is too much respect for wealth in this 
 country. It buys silence. If a poor young man 
 dared to appear drunk in a lady's house, would 
 he ever be asked again ? Never. If a millionaire 
 appears drunk, it is called a youthful indiscre- 
 tion. 
 
 A certain brutality of manner, adopted from 
 the English, is affected by some of our young 
 men. They answer harshly, affect not to see a 
 lady to whom they owe civilities, and try to be- 
 come boors, even if they are not. This style is 
 seen much in men of mixed blood, perhaps the 
 half-Germans, half -French, half -English. It is a 
 very poor style, and betrays the snob. It is not 
 a common American fault, .still it exists. It 
 should be frowned down ; it is the fault of 
 mediocre men. 
 
 But, as Houssaye says: 'Young men are
 
 THE AMBRICAK CODE OF MANNERS. 215 
 
 moderate nowadays, even in their follies. They axe 
 afraid of excess ; they cut grooves for their vices 
 to run in ; they are bourgeois, who carefully avoid 
 fatiguing, much more, exposing themselves." 
 
 Houssaye does not believe evidently that there 
 are SirPhihp Sidneys, "admirable Crichtons," in 
 these days, but he is wrong. A shipwreck, a 
 battlefield, a field day in Wall street, brings them 
 to the front. Men are as noble as ever ; there are 
 as many heroes. The occasion finds them, and in 
 every newspaper office, every merchant's count- 
 ing room, in all the walks of the professions, 
 are the silent heroes. What a hero is the young 
 doctor, who works day and night succoring the 
 wounded, helping the sick, tending the dying ! 
 What a hero the young soldier, who has first thor- 
 oughly conquered himself ! What a hero is the 
 young bank clerk, preserving his honesty while 
 there is temptation all around him ! What a hero 
 the young man doing honest work anywhere ! 
 He shames the pouncet-box hero ; he is the Hot- 
 spur of the field of honor. 
 
 Women love these heroes. They are the men 
 to marry. The other kind do very well for the 
 leadership of the German, but the true women do
 
 216 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 not ca e for them. One real man entering a draw- 
 ing-room with his record of work behind him will 
 scare away the fops as ghosts retire at cock-crow. 
 
 Young men should avoid boasting. It is some- 
 times a great drawback to the success of even a 
 very ei;ergetic and admirable man that he boasts. 
 The fiist person should appear but little in his 
 conversation. "/" is a very good pronoun, but 
 it should be kept in reserve. The egotistical 
 women succeed better than the egotistical men, 
 but both are detestable. 
 
 A m.tn should respect the decencies of life, and 
 —to do them justice — most men do. Women are 
 far more apt to tell doubtful witticisms, to repeat 
 double <ntendres, than young men are. They do 
 this from ignorance, no doubt. Old men sin most 
 frequcMtly in this particular ; young men are apt 
 to be far more decent than old men. 
 
 The most fatal mistake that a young man 
 can make for his future happiness is to have 
 a seri(jus flirtation with a married woman. A 
 thousaTid harpies are abroad, particularly in 
 New York, who are looking out for young 
 men v/hom they can ruin. These harpies are 
 in very good society; they keep up appear-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 217 
 
 ances, but they secure, first, a thoughtless 
 young man's attentions, then his affections, and 
 then they suck his blood. More murders are 
 committed by these heartless, vain flirts than by 
 all the brigands. They are the most monstrous 
 frauds ; they are the leeches of society ; they are 
 apples of Sodom. Let young men beware of 
 them. Far more despicable than the poor 
 wretches of the pave, who pursue their dreadful 
 trade at least openly, these hypocrites are steal- 
 ing all of hope, all of life, all of virtue, from a 
 young man, whom they attack and seduce before 
 the eyes of his mother and his sister. 
 
 It is the most honest, the most imsuspecting 
 young man who falls, generally. If a man goes 
 into such a flirtation with his eyes open no one 
 cares what happens to him. He deserves to be 
 shot, and in all countries but this he is shot. Here 
 a bloodless duel sometimes takes place and both 
 the principals return to society, not at all hurt, and 
 the lady goes on — quietly deceiving her husband. 
 
 A young man's manners and accomplishments 
 can both be elegant and numerous without in- 
 juring his usefulness. A graceful fellow, who can 
 sing a song, quote poetry, who shows cultivation
 
 318 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 in every word he utters— such a young man is the 
 most valuable addition to the group at a country 
 house, the party in the city, and the lawn tennis 
 club. He is sought for a dinner party ; he is in- 
 estimable. 
 
 To study manner — to make that enamel on solid 
 gold which has characterized such men as Everett. 
 Motley, Livingston, Jay, Bayard, McClellan and 
 Story — is an admirable study. The men who have 
 influenced their race have been men of fine man- 
 ners. In spite of Madame de Remusat. who was 
 an ungrateful legitimatist, a false serving-woman, 
 a forgetful and envious nature, we shall believe 
 that Napoleon Bonaparte had very fine manners. 
 No man could have paid such compliments to his 
 soldiers as he did, without manners. 
 
 If manner has sometimes been a false enamel. 
 covering copper instead of gold, we must still 
 admire it. The graceful and respectful speech, 
 the pretty and frank smile, the courteous bow, 
 the readiness to give place— who does not admire 
 it ? In such cases the manner covers a multitude 
 of sins. We forgive such a young man, even if 
 from early want of training he should eat with 
 his knife or come to dinner in a frock coat.
 
 THE AMERICA^f CODE OF MANNERS. 219 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 REAL AND CONVENTIONAL BREEDING. 
 
 THERE is less distinction between the real 
 and the conventional in matters of eti- 
 quette than in almost any other distinction be- 
 tween real and imitation things, for breeding 
 and etiquette are the outward signs of an in- 
 dividual amiability which can appear in those 
 who have never heard of etiquette. 
 
 Thus, a man who has never heard of the 
 fashion of eating peas with his fork, if individu- 
 ally delicate and refined, would still not put his 
 knife far down into his throat. His manner of 
 feeding himself would be refined in his way, 
 although not marked by a polished etiquette, 
 perhaps. 
 
 The savage, Osceola, who was brought to Wash- 
 ington a prisoner, charmed everybody by the 
 gentle sweetness of his manner. He was a real 
 gentleman, not a conventional one. No doubt he 
 ate with his fingers and wiped them on his 
 blanket. He could scarcely have heard of a
 
 220 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA>->'ERS. 
 
 finger bowl in the Everglades. He had a refined 
 nature, however, was full of dignity, felt a respect 
 for others, and thus gained the last grace— man 
 ner — from the teachings of Nature. 
 
 But we have not all this interior assistance 
 from our natural faculties. Most human beings 
 are selfish, many are brutal ; very many are 
 shame-faced, awkward, gawky. It is for the 
 average human being, who is all these or one of 
 these things, that manner is necessarj-, and for 
 whom conventional etiquette was invented. 
 
 Of course, the grand ceremonial of court is not 
 real, in any sense, except that it goes to make up 
 a pageant. A state dinner has many a weari- 
 some detail, which must be totally absurd to a 
 savage. The formal etiquette of a Spanish 
 duenna, or a queen's master of ceremonies, 
 would be as absurd to a Chinaman as his chop- 
 sticks are inconvenient to a European. But. 
 with all that, etiquette must be learned, as a 
 foreign language must be learned, if we attempt 
 to associate with those who practice it. 
 
 A good story is told of Mr. Everett when Min- 
 ister to England. He was spending an evening 
 at the palace, and was told that he was to play
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 221 
 
 whist with the Duchess of Kent. He said, ip. a 
 whisper, that ho did not know whist well ; but 
 the Lord Chamberlain politely bowed, and whis- 
 pered, " Go through the form." He found him- 
 self with three old ladies, one of whom was 
 the Queen's mother, and he did go througli 
 the farniji. He had not played long when 
 he found that they knew less than he did, so, 
 with quiet tact, he played on, talking occasion- 
 ally, and telling a good story, and appearing 
 so suave and agreeable that forever after the 
 Duchess of Kent commanded that Mr. Everett 
 should play whist with her. It is a good story, 
 and reflects credit on our countryman, but what 
 a picture it paints of the ennui of a royal even- 
 ing, and the necessity for conventional good 
 breeding. 
 
 A man of real breeding, and with total absence 
 of conventional breeding, if on the plains or in 
 some out-of-the-way place, being asked to dine 
 with ladies, would make himself clean and 
 would dress himself as well as he could under the 
 circumstances. He would perhaps come in a 
 hunter's frock and flannel shirt, but he would 
 have ail the manners of a dress coat and white
 
 22r2 THE AMERICAN PODK OF MANNERS. 
 
 nravat. He might not know the etiquette of the 
 dinner-table, but he would make up for it by his 
 desire to be agreeable. A man of conventimial 
 breeding might come in the most careful cos- 
 tume, but If he showed contempt for hi? com- 
 pany and his surroundings, he would be a snob 
 — no real gentleman, no matter how much he 
 knew of etiquette. 
 
 Thus, we see that there is something better than 
 mere etiquette. 
 
 A gentleman, who is one at heart, never passes 
 a lady on a staircase — at a hotel, for instance- 
 without raising his hat. A lady always acknowl- 
 edges such a salutation. This is real breeding. 
 
 A conventional breeding is apt to leave this un- 
 done. The mere veneering of manner which some 
 Englishmen have, and which is but an excuse to 
 show contempt, is not good breeding. Such men 
 often deem themselves the greater gentlemen that 
 they dare to behave brutally, particularly toward 
 American ladies. They keep on their hats and 
 stare at a lady. •' She will know I am a nobleman 
 because I am not afraid to do this thing,"" has 
 been the mental reservation of many such a 
 " gentleman."*
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 228 
 
 An English attache, accustomed from his birth 
 to the best society, once accepted a lady's invita- 
 tion to accompany her to some teas in New 
 York. He had brought letters to her, and she 
 felt obliged to pay him this attention. 8he named 
 an hour when he was to be at her house, and she 
 took him thence to some of the best houses in 
 New York. He amused himself by singing in the 
 carriage and by sucking the head of his cane. As 
 she was a lady she could not show b\^ her manner 
 that she was disgusted, but took him where she 
 had promised, and then di-ove home. When they 
 reached her door her footman rang the bell, and 
 the young Englishman walked up to the door 
 
 with her. 
 
 uj say— aw— I say— I've had— an awfully nice 
 time— aw. Let's go together again— aw— some 
 day— don't you know— aw ?" 
 
 " No," said the lady, bowing and entering her 
 own door. '' I fear that your musical repertory is 
 exhausted. Good-morning. ' " 
 
 Afterward, this snubbed individual— a conven- 
 tional but not a real gentleman— tried to apolo- 
 gize: 
 
 « I__aw— didn't know— aw— don't you know—
 
 25i4 THE AMBBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 aw — that you'd mind my singing — over here — aw 
 — don't you know — aw — thought you were pretty 
 free and easy, aw." 
 
 " Would you have done it at home and in the 
 company of a duchess ?" said the lady. 
 
 "Aw — no — duchesses — don't you see — awful 
 swell — don't you know.'" 
 
 "Remember, then, hereafter," said the lady, 
 "that all American women are duchesses, and 
 must be treated according to their rank. ' ' 
 
 One thing this gentleman did know, and that 
 was that it was proper to sit opposite to the lady 
 in her carriage, and not by her side, for which 
 piece of conventional good breeding she mentally 
 thanked him. Of this one piece of respect she 
 says that he knew how to behave himself. He 
 was intentionally rude and careless about the 
 singing. 
 
 In foreign cities, if a traveler is invited to din- 
 ner and has not the proper costume with him iu 
 which to attend u dinner, he writes to his host, 
 excusing himself on that score. If he receives 
 another note, saying *' We will gladly receive you 
 en costume devoycujeur,'''' the gentleman or lady can 
 go : but without this exiilanatioii the presence of
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 225 
 
 a person not properly dressed for a dinner would 
 be considered an insult. 
 
 A few years ago some young Englishmen of high 
 rank arrived at Nahant in very careless costume, 
 sent their cards and letters of introduction to Mr. 
 Longfellow, and were immediately invited to a 
 seven o'clock dinner. They accepted, and came 
 in their shooting coats and with telescopes hang- 
 ing around their necks. 
 
 Mr, Longfellow had invited some distinguished 
 Boston people to meet them, all of whom were in 
 proper evening dress, of course. The young men 
 endeavored "to bluff it off," as the poet care- 
 fully scanned their appearance, by saying. " We're 
 here for shooting, you know," etc., etc. 
 
 " And do you shoot with your telescopes V re- 
 marked Mr. Longfellow. 
 
 If they had written to Mr. Longfellow before 
 dinner, and had explained their not having their 
 luggage with them, and had left their telescopes 
 at home, no one would have thought it rude. It 
 was the assumption that they could do such a 
 thing with impunity in America that was rude. 
 
 An American lady of fashion was traveling in 
 Europe, and happened to arrive in Florence
 
 Z'4b THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 without her luggage. Her friend, the Minister, 
 asked her to dinner to meet a great lady of the 
 court. 
 
 '' But I have no dresses," said the lady ; " one 
 plain black silk is all I can possibly achieve.'" 
 
 -•'Oh 1" said he, "that is all right; I will ex- 
 plain to those ladies whom you are to meet.'' 
 
 When the lady went to the dinner, which was 
 very elegant, all the men were in dress coats, 
 orders, ribbons, white ties, and the para- 
 phernalia of masculine full dress. She was 
 astonished to see all the ladies as plainly 
 dressed as herself. The Minister having 
 explained her dilemma to them, they were 
 all plainly dressed too. They were women who 
 generally wore at dinners jewels of fabulous 
 value, and always considered it de rigueur to 
 wear neck and arms bare, and to cover them- 
 selves with lace. 
 
 But it was both real and conventional etiquette 
 for them to thus meet the American lady who 
 had not her toilettes with her. Although she 
 regretted not seeing their splendid dresses, she 
 could not but be touched by this act. They 
 knew that she was a person of consideration
 
 •riTR AMRRTr.AN COT)R OF MA.KNERS. 227 
 
 at home, and they treated her to the best and 
 kindest in their power by dressing so plainly that 
 she did not feel her black silk to be a blot on the 
 dinner. 
 
 Etiquette changes with each successive age. 
 A few years ago we should^have said that it 
 would not be proper for people to talk slang at 
 an elegant dinner. Now we hear • ■ awfully .i oily, ' " 
 ' ' immensely pretty , " " awfully mean , ' ' " rum- 
 looking chap," from delicate lips at the most 
 recherche entertainments. It cannot be defended. 
 It is far worse than the stilted grandiloquence of 
 our grandparents, because that was at least 
 respectful. It now would sound very stilted and 
 foolish, no doubt, but it would be less startling 
 than the phrases which a conventional etiquette 
 allows. 
 
 Young men, particularly English young men, 
 permit themselves an ease of manner which is 
 almost rudeness sometimes. A young man who 
 takes his foot in his lap, and pulls up his stock- 
 ing, and nurses his leg, and lolls, and evidently 
 brings the manners of the stable into the dining- 
 room, is no real gentleman, although his title 
 may be that of Duke of Devonshire. A scholar
 
 22« THE AMERICAN 0Oi>E OF MANNERS. 
 
 who is awkward but respectful, whose manners 
 betray, perhaps, original eccentricity, and who is 
 unaccustomed to the etiquette of a fashionable 
 table, still is a real gentleman, and the moment 
 he begins to talk will announce himself as such. 
 
 A lady who prefers a fast reputation will often 
 sit with her legs crossed, lean back in her chair, 
 twirl her fan, show her hostess that she does not 
 r-are for her, and talk loud or not at all, as the 
 mood takes her. Some well-born young married 
 women in New York think that incivility marks 
 their importance. These women are accorded a 
 place because they are well-born and well-married, 
 and have money, but they are neither real nor 
 yet conventional ladies, for a lady always has 
 good manners, or cultivates what she believes to 
 be such. 
 
 The real gentleman is careful never to let 
 his breath offend. After smoking he should 
 retire and rinse his mouth with cologne and 
 water, for the breath of a smoker, particularly 
 after drinking wine and spirits, is apt to be dis- 
 gusting. After drinking, and eating a dinner in 
 which the '' forbidden fruit " (as some one called 
 onions) has been indulged in, even though they
 
 THE AMEBIC AN CODE OF MANNERS. 229 
 
 were concealed in Delmonico's best cookery, a 
 man should retire with the rose-water finger 
 bowl, or the result is dreadful. No slight im- 
 pression of this kind is lost upon women, nor are 
 they ever deceived by cachous or cardamom 
 seeds. "An ounce of prevention is worth a 
 pound of cure"— cleanliness is next to Godliness. 
 
 Artificial obsei'vances have this merit, that they 
 keep out of good society those independent be- 
 ings who insist on their rights as reformers 
 against what they consider as the ''effete man- 
 ners of society." Such men take pleasure in 
 dirty linen, unbrushed coats, unclean shoes and 
 dirty hands. They offend every sense, and yet 
 some of them are in high places. If a man is 
 marked in this way, people know enough not to 
 invite him to dinner, and he soon finds out that 
 he loses more than he gains. 
 
 There is no such selfishness or rudeness as to 
 impose inelegant manners and adverse opinions 
 upon the company to which you are invited. A 
 man who advances atheistical opinions, or any 
 other system of thought which shocks his host 
 and hostess, is no gentleman.
 
 230 THB AMERICAN CODE OF MANNEBS. 
 
 CHAPTER XVm. 
 
 THE ETHICS OF DRESS. 
 
 "AS costly your habit as your purse can 
 
 IX buy," was the worldly-wise advice of old 
 Polonius to his son when he was to leave home 
 for foreign travel. 
 
 It speaks not only for the worldly wisdom of 
 the venerable courtier, but it also tells the modern 
 reader of that demand for costume which was 
 once so much the necessity of courts, but which, 
 so far as men are concerned, is now almost passed 
 away. 
 
 Did Mercutio now start on his travels he 
 would find one small portmanteau enough for his 
 needs, and he could not, if he would, wear more 
 than a plain black dress suit at any court, unless 
 he entered the military service, when he would 
 wear a uniform. 
 
 However, much has been left off the dress of 
 men to be put on to women. Every woman now 
 dresses as if she were a queen. The short reign 
 of the Empress Eugenie effected a profound 
 change in the female dress of the world. The
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 331 
 
 luxury, variety and splendor which has entered 
 into the composition of female attire since her 
 advent is enormous. 
 
 Women read once of the great luxury of Queen 
 Elizabeth and wondered. They have now but to 
 look at the trousseau of a modern bride and see 
 a luxury of which Queen Elizabetb never dreamed. 
 
 For the trousseau must contain twelve dozen 
 of everything, all the underclothing must be 
 trimmed with costly Valenciennes, and the 
 twelve dozen is an infallible rule. 
 
 Queen Bess had brocades and jewels, of course, 
 in plenty, but her under linen was scanty. She 
 had two pairs of silk stockings (they were'only 
 just invented then). A modern belle has twelve 
 dozen silken hose of every color of the rainbow. 
 
 The boots, shoes and slippers of a modern belle 
 would have astonished Queen Bess — they are 
 so pretty, so various and so expensive ; they fit 
 the foot much better, too, than the clumsy slipper 
 of the past. 
 
 There is no doubt but that the American 
 women dress too much. They have no limit in 
 the matter of expense, for an American husband, 
 if he has money, stops at no expense. In
 
 33a THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 
 
 Europe, where duchesses, trusting to old lace 
 and jewels, are often extremely shabby as to 
 their gowns, not caring a pin what anybody says, 
 the American woman is conspicuously well- 
 dressed, generally much fresher than the duchess. 
 
 Worth says that the American women are the 
 best customers he has — far better than queens. 
 T?iey ask the price : American women never do. 
 They simply say : ' ' Give me the best, the most 
 beautiful, the most fashionable gown.'' 
 
 It is all very well if the lady can pay for it. 
 •' Costly your habit as your purse can buy." But 
 it sometimes happens that it is not in her power 
 to pay. Hence the great trouble, the defalcations 
 and the sorrowful story of dishonor. 
 
 Beautiful dress is all very fine. Every one likes 
 to see a woman well-dressed ; but the ethics of 
 dress should be consulted. Is it worth all that it 
 costs, in trouble, expense, heartburning, and 
 every other most painful effort, besides leading 
 to criminal extravagance? Would not the 
 fashion be improved by plainness, simplicity 
 and cheapness V 
 
 The fact that costume has disappeared all over 
 Europe is a great loss to the painter, and the re-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 333 
 
 flection arises— how much better would it be if 
 every one had a costume, as in the Middle Ages ! 
 How beautiful was then the dress of the chan- 
 oinesse, the middle-aged woman with her coif, 
 the maiden with her snood, the young married 
 woman with her veil. And these dresses were so 
 becoming. The manufacture of them was so easy, 
 too ; the patterns were used from year to year. 
 There were tailors tor women as for men. The ma- 
 terials were good ; they lasted from year to year. 
 
 Now what modern lady does not dread the hour 
 with her dressmaker. The certainty that her 
 dress will be too tight across the chest and too 
 loose around the waist It is not certain to be 
 stylish, either, and then material and all is wasted. 
 What a trouble, too, to have the necessity of going 
 several times a week, and to be put off by a 
 pampered dressmaker, and told to come — another 
 time ! 
 
 Yet every woman struggles with this evil every 
 spring and fall, and emerges always the worse for 
 the conflict. 
 
 No wonder women wish for '" Ladies' Co-opera- 
 tive Dress Associations," which, if they could be 
 accomplished without fraud, would be admirable
 
 234 TKK AMRntrAK nOI^B OP' MAKtrKRH. 
 
 things, and which would be an excellent check 
 upon the abominable fraud, insolence and dis- 
 honesty of the fashionable dressmaker. 
 
 There is probably no such story in any litera- 
 ture of the insolence of the " pampered menial " 
 as that of the New York dressmaker. 
 
 Mostly Irish women who have once been cham- 
 bermaids, they have, by the weak indulgence of 
 some women who call themselves ladies, become a 
 power in the land. Having the costume in one 
 hand and the lady iu the other, they present the 
 nursery spectacle of the naughty child who is 
 reaching for the forbidden tart which Jane holds 
 just above the urchin's reach. It is no longer 
 the respectful seamstress working for her bread, 
 but a half-drunken Irish or French woman dic- 
 tating terms to her lady customer. 
 
 " My husband is waiting for me to go out in 
 his dog-cart, so I must call my forewoman to 
 finish this dress," remarked one of these imperti- 
 nent artistes to a lady once whom she was fitting. 
 We are glad to record that this woman afterwards 
 failed. 
 
 The lady is entirely in the hands of the dress- 
 maker, financially. The modiste may cut up and
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 335 
 
 ruin a rich velvet, the lady has no redress. She 
 may charge twice too much, and yet the lady 
 cannot complain. The law in this land of liberty 
 is always on the side of the workwoman or man. 
 If a brutal carman runs into a lady's coupe, the 
 courts give damages to the carman. It is a part 
 of the mistake of universal suffrage. 
 
 Such being some of the troubles of dressmaking 
 as done outside of one's house, no wonder that 
 many ladies try the business of having the work 
 done at home, which, while it saves material 
 and one sort of trouble, adds on much trouble 
 of another sort, iu the incessant demands 
 of the seamstress for more buttons, twist, tape, 
 lining and *Hrimming." No modern seamstress 
 ever had enough of these, and many a lady, 
 having tried the '• woman in the house," 
 who is always complaining of her accommoda- 
 tions, her tea and her dinner, gives up that sort 
 of annoyance and buys some patterns and sits 
 down and makes a plain dress herself. 
 
 But a lady cannot do everything. She has her 
 house, her children, her improvement, her read- 
 ing, her charities and her societies to attend to, 
 She is not able to sew much.
 
 236 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Where shall she go V what shall she do to get 
 her dresses ready for the season ? 
 
 No wonder she sends to France, where all this 
 thing is simplified, and where she gets good 
 material, a good fit and stylish clothes for 
 half the money which these things cost in New 
 York. 
 
 Etiquette demands that a lady, if she visit at 
 all, be handsomely dressed. There is a growing 
 taste for plain clothes, that is to say, dark velvets 
 and furs, black or dark silks, and an absence 
 of garish display in the daytime. Few American 
 women dress too much in the street now. But 
 the velvet, or the silk, must be made by an 
 artist, the bonnet must be a chef cfceuvre, and 
 the gloves and boots must be marvelously per- 
 fect. The glove must be a long-sleeved one, or 
 else have ten or eighteen buttons. 
 
 Women who dare, through eccentricity or 
 avarice, to go about with dirty or ragged gowns 
 are universally disliked. They profane society 
 with their presence. For etiquette demands that 
 each woman be at least neat, 
 
 " St'U to be neat, still to be dressed. 
 As if wtrftiiig for a feast."
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 237 
 
 is the characteristic of most ladies, but there are 
 some who are so conceited as to believe that they 
 can go to a ball in a costume which has seen its 
 best days, and to carry all off by a certain 
 audacity. 
 
 Such women should be frowned down. 
 Dress was made to dignify the human body. In 
 our social intercourse we wish to appear at our 
 best, and etiquette is the code of laws made by 
 the society of all ages for the benefit of such as 
 enter its portals. 
 
 It is in England a sort of understood law that 
 women should appear at dinners In low-necked 
 dresses, with short sleeves. The dress at court 
 is always prescribed. We have no court, and so 
 every lady does as she pleases. It is to be re- 
 corded, however, in favor of American ladies, 
 that they generally contrive, with all their disad- 
 vantages of impertinent dressmakers and no 
 code of dress, to be the best-dressed women in 
 the world ; they have beauty, taste and neatness 
 — three important codicils. 
 
 One thing, however, is apt to be mistaken in 
 the American ethical code of dress. 
 
 Elderly women dress too young. The flaxep-
 
 238 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 wigged Mrs. Skewton of Dickens has too many 
 followers among us. Women of fifty, with skinny 
 arms and hollow cheeks, painted and dressed as 
 young girls — these are our failures. No woman 
 but looks older for this style of dress. To look 
 one's age, to dress appropriately, a woman should 
 always be a little ahead of time and not behind 
 it. 
 
 A woman who attempts tu ap{)ear yovmger or 
 more fascinating than she is should remember the 
 fable of the ox who strove to gambol like the 
 gazelle and who received the reproof of Jupiter. 
 Mere talent should never try to copy genius, nor 
 should a mature woman try to look like a young 
 one. Fascination is a gift of the gods. 
 
 Truly fascinating women have no need of effort 
 to appear what they are not, either young or old. 
 They are not called on to trumpet their own 
 charms or conquests, nor to touch themselves up 
 like an old pastel. The world will give them 
 credit ; men will kneel to them. Every one gives 
 them a courteous adoration. They know by in- 
 tuition how to dress, how to conduct themselves. 
 
 ■'I find myself adoring beautiful, calm 
 women who cannot bo flirted with,' said
 
 THE AMERICAN t'Onn OP MAVNIERR, 2-^ 
 
 • 
 
 Lord Byron, the man most adored^ by wo- 
 men. Our spring beauties are so fresh and 
 lovely in America, that it seems a pity that 
 they should ever journey down to the patches 
 and powders of a French Marquise. These co- 
 quettish and gentle, delicate and smiling young 
 American girls know how to dress themselves. 
 They have the intuition of the toilette. Their 
 only present danger is in getting too mannish, 
 what with their brother's ulsters, their hats and 
 gauntlets, and sometimes, alas ! their brother's 
 manners, so that you do not know which is which. 
 The ethics of dress, which should express sex, is 
 sometimes confusing. 
 
 Some wit said that the principal charm of a 
 poke bonnet was that it is so essentially feminine 
 no man could ever have worn one. 
 
 The early Puritan dress was very becoming and 
 very lovable. The Puritan fathers could not 
 banish love nor woman's grace with all their 
 hard creed. Girls would be born and would be 
 lovable. 
 
 Sometimes Fate played them strange tricks, and 
 a marquise in disguise— a real court lady, all 
 smiles aad coquetry— would come dancing in with
 
 340 THK AMERICAN CODE OF >fANKER3. 
 
 fairy feet, with eyes bright as diamonds, and lips 
 like strawberries all smothered in cream, and 
 with curls that fluttered in the breeze — these 
 \Nitches would come to Salem town and confound 
 the fathers. What capricious mermaids always 
 landed at Newport., for instance, even in these 
 early days, and we read that they did not patron- 
 ize the Puritan dress, but sent to Franoe for a 
 •• slip of rose paduasoy, with Brussels lappets, and 
 high-heeled shoes with buckles."' 
 
 The ethics of dress demand that a mother 
 should always dress better than her daughter. 
 
 The mother's dress should be of more costly 
 material, and should be thoroughly suited to 
 her age, complexion and style. Some American 
 mothers go shabby and put fine clothes on their 
 daughters. The mother should wear all the 
 jewelry. The mother should be in velvet, silk 
 and satin ; the daughter in muslin, percale or 
 cashmere. 
 
 The modern fashion of dressing young girls in 
 satin and velvet is a poor one. It leaves them 
 nothing to look forward to. 
 
 Young girls need no aid from the becoming 
 light of jewelry. They are rubies, diamonds.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 241 
 
 pearls themselves. Let them save those adven- 
 titious aids for the days which will surely come — 
 the days when the eye loses its brilliancy and the 
 teeth their pearly charm. Then jewels are be- 
 coming and fit the needs of maturity. 
 
 To allow the hair to grow white is one of the 
 allowable coquetries of middle life. It is so be- 
 coming that a woman is to be forgiven if she 
 blanches it a little as it grows iron-gray. It is 
 the only hair dye which cannot be condemned, 
 that which assists gray hair to grow into white 
 floss silk.
 
 Ji42 THE AM^RICAK CODE OF MANNBRft. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 AN AMERICAN RETTTRNED FROM EUROPE. 
 
 THERE is one part of his luggage which an 
 American should never leave in Europe, 
 and that is— his nationality. 
 
 It too often happens that this is just what he does 
 leave, and there have been weak Americans who 
 have come home from Europe with but slight 
 knowledge of their own language after a six 
 months' absence. 
 
 Americans are sometimes very much impressed 
 with England, and come home so heavily plated 
 that they are called Britannia ware. Others get a 
 smattering of German, and can listen to nothing 
 but German music, and smoke German pipes and 
 raise a German beard. 
 
 Others are smitten with everything French, 
 and are constantly larding their talk with con- 
 venient French phrases, are considerably dis- 
 turbed in their belief in women, and are not at 
 all sure of their belief in anything. 
 
 These are new, green travelers, and this is a
 
 THE AMJiBICAN CODE OF MAl^TNERS. 243 
 
 disease, like the ineasles or the whooping-cough , 
 peculiar to youth. 
 
 The old traveler, the • ' picked man of coun- 
 tries," knows that there is nothing like home, 
 and that a person, to have any consideration in this 
 world, must derive it from the spot of his birth. 
 
 We have, as a people, a singular inaptitude to 
 take root in Europe. Europeans come here, and 
 make excellent citizens, but Americans seem 
 always to remain colonists in Europe. They 
 rarely become part of the body politic. The tide 
 of immigration is this way. No American can 
 live long in Paris without feeling that he has lost 
 something of consequence and of the feeling of 
 citizenship. 
 
 To come home thus discontented and uprooted 
 is to be a person without a country, that most 
 wretched of waifs. 
 
 To come home, bringing only affectations and 
 the poorer part of Europe, is to be even worse — 
 an unworthy citizen. 
 
 To come home loving one's own country better, 
 and to add to its newness all that he can bring of 
 European art, culture and refinement, is to be the 
 truly good citizen and the accomplished traveler.
 
 244 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 No doubt there is much in the polished eti- 
 quette of the high society in Europe which is 
 very grateful to Americans, particularly to 
 women. They like ceremony, politeness and 
 deference ; they like the service, so easy and so 
 marked ; they like the definiteness of European 
 etiquette, and they like the state and form — the 
 elegance, in fact. 
 
 The very manners of servants and of shopkeep- 
 ers, of couriers and of maids, are all so much 
 more respectful than anything on this side that 
 they feel, for the first time, what it is to be a lady. 
 
 Then the forms and ceremonies of a court are 
 amusing until one gets tired of them. The ne- 
 cessity of a certain dress at a certain ceremonial, 
 all this corrects that dreadful uncertainty which 
 exists always with us. 
 
 What shall we wear V In Europe we always 
 know what we ought to wear. 
 
 The question of liveries, here always a most 
 perplexing question, is in Europe settled for one 
 by his tailor. 
 
 No wonder tiiai some Americans come home 
 spoiled, and commit a thousand absurdities. We 
 ai'e none of us any too wise. It seems as if Europe
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNKKS. 345 
 
 sometimes took away what little sense we 
 originally had. 
 
 Men sometimes come home dressed in so pro- 
 nounced an English style that everybody laughs. 
 
 They should read the description of Beau Brum- 
 mel : 
 
 " He was always ctudiously and remarkably 
 well-dressed, never outre, and although consider- 
 able time and attention were directed to his toi- 
 lette, it never, when accomplished, seemed to 
 occupy his attention. His manners were easy, 
 polished, gentlemanlike, stamped with what St. 
 Simon would call Vusage du irumde et du plus grand, 
 p.t du meilleur. His dress was the general model, 
 and when he had struck out a new idea he would 
 smile at observing its gradual progress, adopted 
 by the highest as well as the lowest classes." 
 
 A man to be thoroughly well-dressed should be 
 dressed so that no one can tell what he has on. 
 
 It is a pity that the nineteenth century has 
 drawn so severe a model for the dress of men, but 
 so it is. 
 
 An American returned from Europe should not 
 abuse his own country ; he should not complain 
 of ennui or disgust. If he feels discontented
 
 146 THE AMERICAN ( OT>E OF MANNERS. 
 
 here he should keep it to himself : for all 
 travelers know that there is no country where 
 <laily life is so comfortable for almost any well- 
 to-do individual as in America. 
 
 New York has an air of bmi etre about it which 
 i'ew cities possess. The great benefits of gas and 
 :;£ hot and cold water are not so common as with 
 i:s in any European city. Ice water is not obtain- 
 able in Europe unless one pays for it heavily ; 
 ; nd as for the markets, no city in the world has 
 ; uch a one as New York. 
 
 In traveling in Europe one is always harassed 
 ;ind hampered by his trunks. In America a 
 1 heck saves all the trouble. 
 
 So there are advantages and disadvantages 
 ' verywhere. The American in Europe has every- 
 thing to see which can fascinate him. The tri- 
 ■mphs of Architecture, of Time, of Wealth, of 
 Art, are there, and of Nature, in Switzerland, we 
 have nothing like that here. We have no Rome, 
 ao London and no Paris : we have not the 
 Ilhine with its castles. 
 
 But we have our duty to our own soil, and we do 
 : hink, read and work, let us hope, for one end : 
 ihat we mav bring home to our own land all the
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 247 
 
 rectified impressions, and none of the exaggerated 
 ones. 
 
 Especially is the American to be warned against 
 an affected habit of speech. To try to talk like 
 an Englishman is an affectation always detected. 
 To find French more easy than American is a 
 most transparent humbug. 
 
 We always laugh at the mistakes of foreigners 
 when they blunder in English ; taut they, for- 
 tunately, never laugh at ours, if they did, what a 
 perpetual fund of amusement we could aft'ord 
 them. 
 
 The apeing of foreign manners affords the 
 English comedian fund for the manufacture of 
 many good comedies, and we have no better 
 satirist than Cowper, who said quaintly : 
 
 " How much a fool, who hath been sent to Rome, 
 Exceeds a fool who only staid at home !" 
 
 The snob is a very detestable creature, and the 
 snob who pretends to be ashamed of his own 
 country is the worst snob in the world. 
 
 Americans have often an excess of patriotism, 
 which is called "spread-eagleism." This is in 
 bad taste, no doubt, and many a " Yankee " has
 
 248 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 made himself absurd in England by talking of 
 the stars and stripes. No one should parade the 
 excellencies of his country any more than he 
 should boast of the excellencies of his wife, pela 
 va sans dire, but the failing is a more excusable 
 one than the reverse. To see or hear a man 
 run down his own country is to despise him at 
 once. 
 
 An American at home, if he has led a useful and 
 industrious life, is a nobleman — as good as any- 
 body. Abroad he can never have the same con- 
 sideration. He must always be, unless he has a 
 diplomatic position, somewhat at a disadvantage 
 in Europ'j. Some few Americans, by their talents, 
 have taxen very high position in Europe, but they 
 axe rare. 
 
 A traveled American, home from Europe, 
 can have a great influence for the good of his 
 countrymen. 
 
 He can. in many ways, improve every one in 
 his neighborhood. He can gently and quietly 
 bring about a greater attention to etiquette : he 
 can show his friend.s how to give a dinner in the 
 English style, which is the best style : he can show 
 the advantage of a quiet livery, a well-organizod
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 249 
 
 band of servants — always a difficult thing to bring 
 about in America. 
 
 We cannot, with a republican form of govern- 
 ment, ever hope to have good servants. An 
 American citizen makes this mistake : if he is a 
 poor man he is ashamed to be a servant ; he 
 thinks it degrades him. It is his mistake, but the 
 mistake exists. 
 
 He thinks that he is a better man, a greater 
 man, if, in a condition of servitude, which his 
 pocket may compel, he is then impertinent and 
 disobedient. 
 
 The Irishman who waits at a dinner may live 
 to eat off the plate which he has lately washed. 
 
 All of which ruins the hope of good service — 
 a fact as unfortunate for the waiter as for the 
 employer. 
 
 For all cannot or do not rise, but the hope that 
 they will, makes them all discontented. 
 
 We see all over the world this connection be- 
 tween little and great things. It would be easy 
 to show, as Emerson says, "of many fine things 
 in the world — in the customs of nations, the 
 etiquette of courts, the constitution of govern- 
 ments — the origin in quite simple local neces-
 
 250 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 sities. Heraldry, for example, and the cere- 
 monies of a coronation, are a dienified repetition 
 of the occmTences that might befall a dragoon 
 and his footboy.'" 
 
 So the question of good service in the United 
 States is forever injured and disturbed by the 
 great instrument of our liberties, known as the 
 Declaration of Independence. 
 
 Far more dignified and aristocratic was the act 
 of an Italian marquis with a long old title, 
 who, finding himself poor and friendless, went to 
 Delmonico and let himself out as a waiter, and, 
 until he could better his condition, performed 
 those services well. He knew his own standing 
 too well to be ashamed of serving — 
 
 "He also serves, who only siaud.s and waits.'" 
 
 Yes, he serves at the great counter of Duty, and 
 at that work nothing disgraces one but doing his 
 work badly, and in an evil spirit. 
 
 Every American who brings home from Europe 
 fine statues, pictures, old china, or appropriate 
 furniture, is aiding his country to grow better and 
 more refined. For art elevates a nation. The pos- 
 session of the treasures gathered in the Palace of
 
 THE AMEHICVN CODE OF MAKXERS. 251 
 
 the DemidofEs, if brought here, will be a liberal 
 education to every untraveled American, to every 
 artisan. The great Exposition of 1876 was the 
 most admirable education to all our people. 
 
 Music, eloquence, poetry, painting, sculpture 
 and architecture, all are of the flue arts. Of the 
 first we already begin tf) take a proud place 
 among the nations. The Americans are a musical 
 people, but still must go to European conser- 
 vatories to study. Of sculpture we may also 
 claim some recognition. Of poetry and painting, 
 particularly of landscape painting, we have some 
 hold : but in architecture we are terribly behind 
 hand. Every American's eye suffers from the 
 windows of New York when he first lands. The 
 American who travels to the end that he may 
 build better when he comes home, travels wisely. 
 
 Of eloquence we have our share — perhaps too 
 much. The Americans are glib talkers. They 
 have the gift of the gab. If, in traveling, they 
 learned to think more and to talk less, perhaps it 
 would be just as well. 
 
 Another thing might be learned in Europe, and 
 that is to not be ashamed of. a judicious economy. 
 
 We are said to be the ruin of Europe with our
 
 252 THE AMERICAN- fODE OF MANNTSRS. 
 
 extravagance. No European is ashamed to be 
 poor, or to say " I cannot afiford it." All Ameri- 
 cans were once ashamed to say this, because they 
 thought it reflected dishonor upon them : and 
 almost any American would rather pay a dis- 
 honest charge than to dispute it. Few, if any 
 Americans would take the trouble which Mr. 
 Cobden did in New York, to give a whole day to 
 the bringing to justice of a cabman who charged 
 him too much ; and yet how much better would 
 oiu* laws be observed if that were the practice of 
 every American. 
 
 Americans returned from Europe have the 
 greatest future before them, if they will patrioti- 
 cally devote themselves to the righting of wrongs 
 and to the correcting of abuses. 
 
 Much in our great country goes by default. We 
 are all taking things very easily as to the adminis- 
 tration of the laws. Our cities show, by the dread- 
 ful disorder and peculation which this want of es- 
 pionage has brought about, how unwise a plan it is. 
 
 Let us, therefore, copy that jpart of European 
 civilization which tends to wise economy, judi- 
 cious mrveillance, and to polished manners and 
 refined lives, without affectation.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 253 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 THE MONET MARRIAGE MARKET. 
 
 THERE are many calculating Romeos in this 
 world — men who are looking for a rich 
 wife as a means to an honest living. Work 
 they despise. They are often most gentlemanly 
 men, and will never do anything mean. They 
 may make as good husbands as others ; still, 
 the world does not adore them, nor do the poets 
 write of them as they do of Romeo, pur et simple. 
 No one has imagined them as saying : 
 
 " O cruel Love ! How great a power is thine ! 
 Under the Poles although we lie, 
 Thou mak'st us fry ; 
 And thou canst make us freeze beneath the Line." 
 
 No such impassioned heat disturbs these young 
 gentlemen. They are very cool— very cool. 
 
 Heiresses, therefore, become very much at- 
 tended to in society. Their rent-roll is discussed, 
 and is ascertained to a nicety. They are some- 
 times injured by this fact, and are induced to
 
 254 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 remain unmarried because they fear that they 
 shall be married solely for their money. 
 
 Others marry men who have been won princi- 
 pally by fortune, but who have a real character, 
 and who determine to repay the money obligation 
 by a life of devotion. These matches are often 
 very happy. 
 
 Others marry mere adventurers, who use their 
 wives' money for their own pleasure, and neglect 
 and insult the women who have benefitted them. 
 
 The etiquette of marriage should be as formal 
 and as studied as that of other recognized insti- 
 tutions. If a man marries a woman for her 
 money, he should never let her suspect it. He 
 should be studiously attentive and kind. Indeed, 
 much should be urged upon even loving hus- 
 bands, who support their wives handsomely, in 
 regard to the manners of every day. Married 
 people should never let familiarity breed con- 
 tempt. 
 
 The most calculating people in the world, the 
 French, who marry their children to each other 
 without speaking of love, demand that one party 
 .shall bring as much as the other to the common 
 fund. Indeed, if the money question comes in»
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 255 
 
 that would seem to be the best and most honest 
 arrangement, not allow an impecunious man to 
 be wholly supported by a rich woman. Young men 
 who have large fortunes are, in iheir turn, also the 
 prey of women fortune-hunters. Every watering 
 place has its managing mamma, who is looking 
 out for the coming millionaire. Every one who 
 is not in the game sees all the lures and all the 
 snares. There is no such hunting over " brush, 
 brook and brae ' ' as that of a mamma with 
 marriageable daughters, who has sighted a 
 "rich young man;" and, to do them justice, 
 the daughters supplement their honored parent 
 well. Marriage has become a money mar- 
 ket, a stock exchange, a means to an end — too 
 much. 
 
 But if a marriage of interest is made, how soon 
 the inevitable married flirtation begins to crop 
 out— how the young husband, having married 
 a woman whom he cannot love, begins" to be 
 attentive to some one else. 
 
 This seems to be the false etiquette of the age, 
 partly borrowed from French novels. 
 
 It is, therefore, delightful to all unsophisticated 
 humans to see the young lover really in love, and
 
 256 THE AMERICAK CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 to see interest disappear, and unselfish affection 
 take its place. 
 
 But a young engaged couple, however much in 
 love, should not make their feelings too manifest 
 — in public, at least. They should remember that 
 people are observing them ; for, if on a stage- 
 coach drive, a picnic, or lawn tennis party, or 
 other occasions where many young people are 
 congregated, they seem too devoted to each 
 other, the general pleasure of the party is lost. 
 
 The marriage money market is most vigorous 
 in large cities, where an heiress rarely gets 
 through her first winter. The pursuit is some- 
 times disgusting, but the ' ' end justifies the 
 means ;" such, at least, is the worldly maxim. 
 
 But even in this worldly and selfish world there 
 should be an etiquette. • ' There is a becoming 
 'ton' in everything, even in religion," .says a 
 modem author. " One of the most important 
 points in life is decency, which is to do what is 
 proper, and when it is proper." says Lord 
 Chesterfield. 
 
 A man, to enter the matrimonial money market, 
 must be a gilded Turveydrop— all deportment. 
 He must appear to be all that is good, proper.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 257 
 
 and very deferential. If he has claims to an 
 exalted social position, let him air them well. 
 Let him assure the lady's family, by every means 
 in his power, that generally he looks down upon 
 them. He should utter only vague common- 
 places. He must efface himself. Nothing passes 
 so current in society as " conversational inanities 
 and fossil facts, well polished into inexpressive 
 smoothness." Beware of saying an}i.hing origi- 
 nal —it might lead one into trouble. If he can 
 simulate a passion for the young lady, so much 
 the better. If he cannot, a lofty superiority, and 
 an air of giving them the best article of a hus- 
 band that they can buy for their money, has 
 assuaged many a vulgar family who need posi- 
 tion and are willing to pay for it. 
 
 But if it is disgraceful and degrading to see a 
 man marrying for money, simply, it is more 
 degrading to behold a woman willing to sacrifice 
 all that a woman should hold most dear to obtain 
 what money can buy. How many a woman do 
 we see dragging around a rich, vulgar husband, 
 who is merely an appendage to her diamonds ? 
 How many an educated woman blushes for her 
 husband's grammar? Who shall portray the
 
 258 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 more than Spartan endurance with which these 
 women hide the vulture, despair, which is preying 
 on their vitals ; '* with what pardonable artifice will 
 they blandly smile a smile like that of St. Agnes at 
 the stake, or like the sunshine on an overflowing 
 volcano." The sufferings of women who have 
 married uncongenial men would fill a volume. 
 
 The English aristocracy is full of this sort of 
 thing. A pretty, portionless high-born Lady Sarah 
 must marry money ; so, some little red-faced, 
 bouncing, violent, vulgar John Bull, with much 
 money and splendid diamonds, comes about, 
 to enjoy having the dowager thrust her elegant 
 girl under his dreadful little nose. 
 
 The result shows itself in the queer, dis- 
 torted, ungainly children which are born of such 
 a union. Nature has its rights, which will not 
 submit to be violated. Money can buy much, 
 but it cannot buy everything. 
 
 American etiquette has hardly reached this 
 point, although many parents do force their 
 daughters to marry men, whom they do not love, 
 because they have money. 
 
 Elegant mammas will call drunkenness "high 
 spirits," vulgarity bonhornmie, and licentious-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 359 
 
 ness "the sovring of wild oats "—if a man has a 
 great deal of money. 
 
 There is no such a golden glass to look 
 through, it transmutes everything into virtue— 
 the possession of money. That ever outcropping 
 Pharisaism, which is the so-called specialty of 
 the Anglo-Saxon race, displays itself in the mar- 
 riage money market eminently. 
 
 However, all is not gold that glitters, and some- 
 times the money disappears and the marriage 
 remains. Then the husband is in a sorry fix. He 
 must work or starve, and sometimes he finds that 
 the wife whom he has married for money is no 
 helpmeet to a poor man. 
 
 A man who is mai'ried for his money, and is 
 found to have none, is a still greater burden ; for 
 very few men who have possessed a fortune 
 from childhood can, if they lose it, make another. 
 It is the man whose energies have been stimu- 
 lated by necessity who makes the fortune, and, if 
 that is lost, can make another. There is nothing 
 so admirable as that Dame, Necessity. She is a 
 good teacher for the young. 
 
 But all rich marriages are not unhappy. Rich 
 people of both sexes have hearts, and can make
 
 260 THE AMERICAN- CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 good marriages and be happy ever after. Let 
 "love go before like a light in the pathway," 
 and then — no matter which has the money. It is 
 a very good thing to have, if it is not the only 
 attraction. And there is a positive moral obliga- 
 tion against an improvident marriage for a couple 
 who have been gently reared : they should not 
 marry without money. 
 
 There always should be a "shot in the locker" 
 against a rainy day, against prolonged illness, 
 against children's needs, their education and 
 clothing. Well-bred, poor married people suffer 
 untold tortures in not being able to educate their 
 children according to their rank in life. That 
 has been one of the many dreadful consequences 
 of our late civil war to the South. A whole 
 generation of children have grown up without 
 the proper education, and with no perceptible 
 future. 
 
 It is not strange that parents who have felt the 
 evils of poverty are anxious that their children 
 should make rich marriages. There is no want 
 so perceptible to maturity as that of money. It 
 is, in its way, everything ; but parents who have 
 married for love should not ignore or forget theii-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 261 
 
 own early happiness, nor the stron'^ attractions 
 which ^Drought them together. 
 
 Although a man who has married for money 
 may have a social pre-eminence or while, there 
 is a class to whom he always looks up, and whom 
 he must always feel does not entirely respect him. 
 Those are the hard-working, successful profes- 
 sional or mercantile men who have made their 
 own way. There is much that is very disadvan- 
 tageous and humiliating in the contrast of the 
 fat, sleek and lazy horse and the full-blooded, 
 high-mettled racer. There is no such admiration 
 felt by mankind for the man who is simply fortu- 
 nate, as for him who deserves fortune. 
 
 As for the life of a young man who makes a 
 show for a few years that he may marry an 
 heiress, nothing is so contemptible. He lives a 
 purely selfish existence — he is a mere cumberer 
 of the ground. To be the accomplished man 
 of society, he may cultivate a few gifts 
 and graces, but he has no true manhood. He 
 may be a convenient man to ask to dinner, an 
 eminent club favorite ; must put down a hand- 
 some contribution to every ball list and every 
 fashionable charity he must send good bouquets
 
 262 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 and be well mounted at the hunt ; he must be 
 one of those colorless, civil, useful nonentities 
 whom society loves ; he must have no disagree- 
 able, trying family alliances. He will thus be 
 asked where the heiresses go. He must be seen 
 at every tea, ball, reception ; he must give an 
 occasional theatre party, and leave out all the 
 people who have been civil to him, only inviting 
 those of the highest fashion, who have snubbed 
 him. He will thus be spoken of as a young man 
 of excellent manners. 
 
 He must have that air of cold-blooded ingrati- 
 tude which none but real snobs know, and an 
 air of not seeing those who have been kind to 
 him in the past. He must let the lady who was 
 a friend to him in his youth find a seat, if she can ; 
 but, if Miss Sunball enters the room, he must get 
 her a seat at any cost. 
 
 He must do the opulent bachelor business for 
 awhile, and adopt the paralytic crutch-and-tooth- 
 pick style ; he must fill his rooms with hric-d-hrac 
 and Eastlake furniture, and give very recherche 
 little suppers. 
 
 But, if he wants an heiress who knows the 
 value of her money, he must not appear to be
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 363 
 
 fast or dissipated ; he must at least seem very 
 respectable. 
 
 If he marries a third-rate heiress, with a loud 
 and dreadful style, he will be perpetually shocked. 
 She will dress beautifully, but she will talk slang, 
 be cheek by jowl with all the second-rate men, 
 and probably take him to Europe, flirt with her 
 courier, and then elope with a French marquis 
 who turns out to be a barber. 
 
 The worldly woman who determines to marry 
 for money is often a sort of robber baroness for 
 sallying forth from her castle armed to destroy. 
 The world is her oyster. If her husband prove 
 generous, she may live with him ; if he is not, she 
 soon finds out an excuse to leave him. Such 
 women never feel deeply or passionately ; they 
 are social chameleons, taking the color of the 
 times ; they are full of subserviency to those who 
 are high in place and power. She reins in her 
 splendid bays at the great house, but she does 
 not stop to leave a blanket at the cottage. " She 
 plays her part in Fortune's pageant, and plays it 
 well;" but woe be unto the lame child who is 
 born to her. 
 
 Some of these worldly women who enter the
 
 364 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 money market are butchers in disguise. They 
 are Neros, Caligulas : ferocity toward all her 
 rivals ; egotism and selfishness toward the man 
 whose money she is spending. She is a tigress 
 who eats her victim while he is still alive. She 
 flirts and enjoys her life. He may suffer and be 
 still— and the Court awards her alimony. 
 
 It is no wonder that the sight of such a life 
 has driven many a conscientious woman out of 
 society. She is afraid of her temptations. She 
 would not, if marrying for money, behave quite 
 as badly ; but it might weaken her virtue. She 
 sees that no good has come to her early 
 friend, excepting very handsome clothes and fine 
 equipage ; as for happiness or respectability, 
 that has not followed marrying for money. 
 
 One would think that Romeo would dislike to 
 ask his wife for money — '^ Please, dear JuUet, give 
 me a ducat ;" but the reverse seems to be the 
 case. A man spends his wife's fortune with 
 equanimity, and calls it his. She ought to be 
 grateful if he does not spend it on other women. 
 
 Such is the worldly view of the marriage ques- 
 tion. Such is the way one looks at the money 
 market. It is true, every young couple are not so
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 265 
 
 venal, but we must recognize the growing danger. 
 In America, where estate and title is not inherited, 
 we should have no such thing as the marriage de 
 convenance, but it is becoming too often a recog- 
 nized institution. 
 
 No doubt the human heart is the same in all 
 ages — frivolous, tragic, romantic. There will 
 always be the elopement, the love match and the 
 marriage de conveyance. The last is the poorest 
 kind for a Republic.
 
 266 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 RECOGNITION AND SALUTATION. 
 
 EECOGNITION should be quick, and saluta- 
 tion gracious. To be complimentary, salu- 
 tation should be even more — it should be grace- 
 ful, flattering, courteous, dignified, and suited 
 to the exact position of the person addressed. To 
 an old person, it should be truly respectful, for 
 there is no such crown as a crown of gray hairs ; 
 to a young person, it should be reassuring ; to a 
 person who is under the pressure of calamity, it 
 should be gracious ; to a common acquaintance, 
 just as cordial as we wish to make it — and it 
 should always be dignified. Be careful not to bow 
 too low. 
 
 One may say that the above advice is imprac- 
 ticable, that no one could convey all those adjec- 
 tives in a bow. But fascinating and successful 
 people do all that, and more. 
 
 The quick recognition is more difficult. Many 
 people forget faces, more are confused as to 
 where and how they have seen that face last,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 2^1 
 
 There is, to the dwellers in cities, a perfect 
 confusion as to degr-ees of acquaintance, if the 
 memory for people and faces is not extra- 
 ordinary. 
 
 Therefore, people who are near-sighted, or who 
 have not memory of faces, cannot be quick at a 
 recognition. They are always in doubt. Such 
 people are rarely popular. People believe them 
 to be cold. 
 
 But if a person has a truly cordial disposition, 
 nothing can prevent their showing it finally. 
 Manner is but the mask of character after all ; 
 the true nature will come out. 
 
 But we cannot all stop, in this busy world, to 
 show off our true natures. Emerson says : " The 
 men we see are whipped through the world. 
 They are harried, wrinkled, anxious ; they all 
 seem the hacks of some invisible riders. " Women 
 are in a great hurry also. The atmosphere drives 
 us with invisible whips. How shall we greet 
 each other— this great, hurrying and rapidly pass 
 ing stream of people ? 
 
 We must cultivate a manner, study a recog- 
 nition and a salutation which shall convey a 
 kindly meaning at least.
 
 268 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 As we go thus rapidly through the world, trying 
 to do our work as best we may, perhaps we meet 
 an old acquaintance who has been for years in 
 the East. His face is almost forgotten, but still 
 it recalls something. He has not forgotten us, 
 and looks eagerly for a bow and a smile. Life 
 has, perhaps, been lonely and sad to him ; to us 
 it has been replete with emotion and crowded 
 with event. Shall we disappoint him ? No ; let 
 there be a recognition, as quick and gracious 
 as possible, to that wistful face. "We can re- 
 member who he is afterwards. It is astonishing 
 how soon that memory comes after the necessity 
 for it has passed. It is like that belated wit 
 which the French call "Pesprit de Vescalie^'^^ — 
 the wit of the stair-case— the good things which 
 we remember that we might have said as we go 
 upstairs to bed aftei* the party is over. 
 
 Let at least the passer-by read in your face 
 your desire to be courteous. If you cannot 
 remember him, at least give him a pleasant bow, 
 if he bows to you. Such salutations hurt nobody, 
 not even a lady alone, who, of course, must be- 
 circumspect. In the pohte bow of a lady, full of 
 purity and good-will, marked with dignity and
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 269 
 
 respect, the man of irregular life finds as profound 
 a check to insult, as in the haughty disdain of one 
 who, perhaps, overestimates his admiration. 
 
 There is nothing finer than a sweet dignity. It 
 seems to be, perhaps, the best quality of a 
 woman, and to teach her, intuitively, how low to 
 bow, how to smile, how to receive and how to 
 dismiss her friends. Women whose manners are 
 too familiar never have much power. People do 
 not care for that which they gain easily, and yet 
 cordiality is a very necessary adjunct. A woman 
 who can express that by a bow is sure to be a 
 favorite. 
 
 If a gentleman comes up to a lady at a crowded 
 watering-place, and claims acquaintance, and 
 she has no idea who he is — an incident 
 which happens frequently — she should, after 
 speaking to him, frankly tell him her dilemma, 
 and ask for his name. She can say to him, that 
 she has a poor memory for faces, that she sees 
 many people, that she begs that he will forgive 
 her. Few men are, and none ought to be, so ill- 
 tempered as to object to this inquiry. If they are 
 so thin-skinned as to care, the acquaintance may 
 as well stop there.
 
 270 THE AMEBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 To make the case our own, let us measure our 
 sensations toward oiu- friends by their remem- 
 bered salutations. We have no very kindly 
 feeling toward Mrs. Tower, who gives us a lofty 
 and brief bow, as if she wished to get rid of us as 
 soon as possible ; still less do we admire Mrs. 
 Smiley, who bows verj- much too low, and with 
 an excessively foolish cordiality which we know 
 she does not feel. We are not fond of Mrs. 
 Weathercock, who bows to us fervently, when 
 we are fashionable and well dressed, but who 
 does not see us, when we are under the ban of 
 adversity. 
 
 But we remember Mrs. Heartwell's elegant and 
 formal courtesy with pleasure, for it shows that 
 she intends always to be perfectly respectful to us. 
 
 Of course, from this, all through the gamut of 
 the affectionate greetings we range om* friends. 
 There is the curiously-acute eye and the long- 
 resting glance of Mr. Oakland ; he is the most 
 interesting of our acquaintances, for his bow 
 always says: "1 should like to stop and talk 
 with you," or that of General Tigbtfit, which 
 expresses the most exalted respect. 
 
 The bow of a clergyman, a lawyer, an editor,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 271 
 
 a president, a man who is compelled to know 
 everybody, can scarcely be called a disinterested 
 bow. It must be a somewhat formal, studied 
 and conventional bow. For no man can feel 
 equally well disposed toward three thousand 
 people ; but the character of the individual will 
 stamp even this universal bow. 
 
 The reason of the unpopularity of a certain dis- 
 tinguished family in the United States, and their 
 certain defeat if proposed for any public office, 
 is attributed, by close observers, to their disagree- 
 able, cold and rude manners, in the matter of 
 recognition and salutation — the frigid bow and 
 the contemptuous salutation. 
 
 It must be conceded that Americans have 
 better manners than the English, but even here 
 the Anglo-Saxon brutality does break out in us 
 occasionally. The . Latin races are far ahead of 
 us in the matter of salutations. The Italian lan- 
 guage is full of moso lovely phrases. "A thou- 
 sand beautiful days to you," says the Italian. 
 The Oriental salutations are as splendid as their 
 robes, "May you live a thousand years;" the 
 very exaggeration and impossibility of the re- 
 quest is in its favor. It breathes such large con-
 
 272 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 sideration. How ungraceful would it be to limit 
 that request so as to say: *' May you live sixty 
 years," or even ninety years. It is better to 
 make a handsome allowance, even of nine hun- 
 dred years. 
 
 Our perception far outruns our talent, and we 
 know people, intuitively, by a bow or a salutation . 
 We read the cold-blooded cynic or the hypocrit- 
 ical time-server by his bow and smile. A deep 
 sympathy is all that we require to teach us, that 
 the shy man would be more responsive, if he 
 could, and that the gaxcche man is sincere, and 
 would like to be graceful. There is, of course, a 
 difference of impressionability ; but the most 
 simple and sincere are apt to be the keenest read- 
 ers of character. A child and a dog are never 
 mistaken. 
 
 We should watch and cherish not only all right 
 sentiments of the heart, but all intellectual and 
 moral sensibilities. They are the fountains of 
 true perception. 
 
 If we thus question the recognition and saluta 
 tions of our neighbors, we shall grow more genial. 
 cordial and polite ourselves. We shall remember 
 to say to the sick man, '* How are you to-day ?"
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 273 
 
 and add, " Better, I hope," with a cheerful voice. 
 We shall take care to bow to the shy and the poor 
 and the friendless, in a manner which shall make 
 them happier all day. "We shall not forget the 
 passing salutation to our unknown friend whom 
 we meet on the road. He is to go on the same 
 weary way over which we have just come. Let 
 us give him a passing smile and benediction. 
 Lohengrin met a weary pilgrim, to whom he gave 
 water, and the pilgrim gave him a staff. He 
 planted the staff in the earth, and the wood grew 
 and blossomed into lilies. Then, says the 
 legend, Lohengrin knew that he had saluted an 
 angel unawares. 
 
 " The world is always opulent, the oracles are 
 never silent, but the receiver must, by a happy 
 temperance, be brought to that top of condition, 
 that frolic health, that he can easily take and give 
 these communications." 
 
 We are not always in the mood to salute angels ; 
 we do not always have an angel to salute. It is 
 an imperfect world, full of impoliteness, but to 
 rise superior to that imperfection, to be always 
 gracious and polite, is to meet one's fate more 
 than half-way ; to do a great deal toward being,
 
 274 THE AJVIERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 what we should always hope to be — true gentle- 
 men and true ladies. 
 
 It is a sign of success, that fine manner which 
 is always expressive of a good heart, and a true 
 respect, for all whom we meet. 
 
 Recognition and salutation are vulgarized and 
 barbarously maimed by a coarseness of manner 
 on the part of young women. 
 
 A gentleman once said that he had fallen in 
 love with a gentle girl, but that he had heard her 
 say, in a stentorian voice, to a passing youth, 
 "How are you, Charley?" and his love had 
 turned to bitterest hate. He did not like that 
 assumption of mannishness. It would have 
 pleased him better if she had addressed Charley 
 with a spice of maidenly reserve. 
 
 Foreigners have a beautiful custom of saluting 
 the dead. Whenever they pass a coffin they take 
 off their hats ; to that silent majesty, who cannot 
 respond ? The custom, in Europe, of having the 
 coffin lying in state at the door of the inner court, 
 as in Paris, with the respectful salutation, has 
 moved many a heart ; it is the veriest spirit of 
 reverential politeness. 
 
 Remember how easy it is to depress the world
 
 fH& AMERICAN CODE OF MAKNERS. 275 
 
 with a gloomy countenance. There is not a joy- 
 ful youth or an innocent girl, buoyant with life, 
 who cannot be chilled by an unkind salutation. 
 Despondency comes readily enough to us all. The 
 daily greeting of our friends can raise or depress 
 our spirits for a day. 
 
 " I have just met Mr. Iceland, and his bow has 
 given me a severe cold in the head," said a wit. 
 
 And to think that, by a bow or a smile, we may 
 add energy, inspire hope, and help some brother 
 to fight the battle of life ! Charles Lamb writes 
 a delightful sketch of Captain Jackson, a poor 
 half-pay ofiicer, whose wealth of imagination 
 made life seem gloriously luxurious, and whose 
 hearty salutation was enough to make you believe 
 yourself worth a fortune and endowed with per- 
 petual youth. 
 
 And be careful at home to remember the 
 morning and evening salutation. The good man- 
 ners of a household are generated as the atmos- 
 phere is generated by perpetual renewals. The 
 household is purer and happier, where the mother 
 kisses her son every morning, where the daughter 
 kisses her father, with a good-night blessing. 
 All members of a family are better and happier,
 
 276 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 if they begin the morning with a salutation to 
 each other. 
 
 Nothing is so out of taste, or so productive of 
 ill-feeling, as the somewhat reprehensible practice 
 of saying disagreeable things to each other, and 
 calling it familiarity. It is of that familiarity 
 which breeds, not only contempt, but hatred. 
 
 A brother, who enters the room and addresses 
 his sister with ''How now, Louisa? Why, you 
 look as yellow as saffron, your eyes are like 
 gooseberries 1" is a cad ; a sister who remarks, 
 "Do leave the house, Harry, your cigar is most 
 offensive," and so on. These are salutations 
 which could be omitted. 
 
 The telling of people that they look very badly 
 is another salutation which had better be omitted, 
 unless to those people " who enjoy bad health," 
 and are very glad to be always complaining. There 
 are a set of hipped individuals who, in perfect 
 health, delight to play with gloom and who say : 
 
 " Tend me to-night ; 
 Maybe it is the period of your duty ! 
 Haply you shall not see me more, or if, 
 A mangled shadow ! perchance to-morrow 
 You'll serve another master : I look on you 
 As one who takes his leave I'"
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 277 
 
 Such a malade imaginaire delights to be told 
 that he looks ill. Let us gratify him. He will be 
 up to-faiorrow, eat an immense breakfast and 
 attend all our funerals. 
 
 The manners of Puritan Yankeedom, which, in 
 the rural districts, delight in plain truths, de- 
 lighted in such salutations as this : " Well, 
 I see you are getting old as well as myself !'" 
 " Ain't you looking a little too thin ? Seems to 
 me you are rather down," and various compli- 
 mentary reassurances of that kind. There is no 
 curing such a truthful spirit as that ! Let us hope 
 that it will live and die in its own mountains. 
 
 Human nature is such a poor thing at best that 
 it needs all the aid it can receive from a cordial 
 greeting. Never be afraid to take the initiative 
 in politeness, and remember to be respectful to 
 those in age and position who are your superiors : 
 
 " Great men may jest with saints, 'tis wit in them ; 
 But in the less, foul profanation." 
 
 A man cannot be too respectful in his saluta- 
 tion to a lady. A lady cannot be too gracious in 
 her salutation to all people, if modesty and 
 dignity reign in her heart.
 
 278 THE AMERICANS- CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXn. 
 
 THE ARAB LAW OF HOSPITALITY. 
 
 IT was the remark of a famous editor who 
 visited America several years ago, and who 
 afterward wrote a book about us, that an Ameri- 
 can knew how to be a host, but did not yet 
 understand the etiquette of being a guest. 
 
 It is probably quite true that, according to the 
 English idea, an American did not, in former 
 years, understand the severe etiquette which 
 reigns in an English country-house. There the 
 guests are expected to come at the hour invited, 
 and to leave precisely by the train which is speci- 
 fied in the note of the host. 
 
 The reason for this is obvious. A number of 
 guests are invited, with great system, for three 
 days, and another company for the ensuing three 
 days, which invitation is always so accurate that 
 it specifies even if the guest is to leave by the 
 "eleven train," or the "one train," as they say 
 in England. 
 
 The great house is thus tilled continuously with
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 279 
 
 a series of congenial guests from the 1st of 
 September until after Christmas. The leisure 
 man who is a good story-teller, can sing a song, 
 or act in private theatricals, is always in great 
 demand, and on the events of these country 
 visits hang most of the incidents of the modern 
 society novel. Dickens described the less stately 
 kospitality of the English country squire in his 
 "Christmas at the Wardles," where the re- 
 nowned Pickwick Club spent, perhaps, the most 
 jolly week of which we have any account in mod- 
 ern contemporaneous literature. 
 
 But even jolly Mr. Wardle, or the class which 
 he represents, would be particular as to a certain 
 etiquette. Mr. Wardle would expect all his 
 guests to arrive at the hour which he had 
 named, and always to be punctual at dinner. 
 
 It would be better for us in this country if we 
 were as particular about the duties of a guest. 
 We are too apt to go and see our friends when 
 it is convenient for us, and not when it is con- 
 venient for them. Trusting to that boundless 
 American hospitality, we decline an invitation 
 for the 6th, saying we can come on the 9th of the 
 month.
 
 280 THE AMEKICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 This is not etiquette ; we should go on the 6th, 
 or not at all. Vv'e should also ask our host to 
 define the limits of our stay, so that we may not 
 overstep our welcome. The terms of an Ameri- 
 can invitation generally are : "Come when you 
 can, and stay as long as you like," which is. cer- 
 tainly, hospitable, bnt it is not etiquette. 
 
 Now, the Arab law of hospitality, which has been 
 the phrase with v.hich we have chosen to head 
 this paper, is so noble, so comprehensive and so 
 grand, that, although it transcends all etiquette, 
 we must use it to enforce the meaning of eti- 
 quette and its vitfi I spirit. 
 
 "Welcome the coming, speed the parting 
 guest," is found in the Arabian as well as the 
 Latin poets. The Arab goes further: "He who 
 tastes my salt is ,«f),cred ; neither I nor my house- 
 hold shall attack him ; nor shall one word be 
 said against him."' " Bring com, wine and fruit 
 for the fasting str;inger ; give the one who departs 
 from the shelter f)f thy tent the fastest horse in 
 thy possession. I.t t him who would go from thee 
 take the fleet dromedary ; reserve the lame one 
 for thyself." 
 
 These children of the desert, with their grave
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 281 
 
 faces, composed manners and noble creed of hos- 
 pitality, covild preach us moderns many a lesson 
 in etiquette. 
 
 One phrase should be particularly studied : 
 " Nor shall one word be said against him." 
 
 Unless a guest has been particularly objection- 
 able, it is in the worst taste to criticise him se- 
 verely after he has gone. He has come to you at 
 your invitation. He has staid at your house at 
 your request. He has come as to an altar of 
 safety, an ark of refuge, to your friendly roof. 
 Your kind welcome has unlocked his reserve. 
 He has spoken freely, laid off his armor, felt that 
 he was in the presence of friends. If, in so 
 doing, you have discovered in him a weak spot, 
 be careful how you attack it. The intimate un- 
 reserve of your fireside should be respected. 
 
 And upon the guest an equal, nay, a superior, 
 conscientiousness should rest, as to any revelation 
 of what particular secrets he may find out while 
 he is a visitor. No person should go from house 
 to house bearing tales. No stories of the weak- 
 nesses of this member of the family, or the eccen- 
 tricities of that member, should ever be heard 
 from the lips of a guest. "Whose bread I have
 
 282 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 eaten, he is henceforth my brother," is another 
 fine Arab proverb, worthj^ of being engraven on 
 all our walls. 
 
 Much harm is done by the gadding and the 
 gossiping visitor through this thoughtless habit of 
 telling of the manner of life, and of the faults, 
 shortcomings, or quarrels, of the family under 
 whose roof the careless'talker has been admitted. 
 Even much talk of their habits and ways is in 
 bad taste. Speak always well of your entertain- 
 ers, but speak little of their domestic arrange- 
 ments ; do not violate the sanctity of that fireside 
 retreat, whose roof -tree has sheltered you : 
 
 " Rede the rede of the old roof tree, 
 Scandal none, opinion free, 
 Knightly custom, Christian knee, 
 Age calm, but youthful jollity ; 
 Outside no traitor to his tiyst 
 (No word to which he haply list) 
 Shall blur the picture of that home. 
 Which broufcht those in who widely roam, 
 But grateful thanks and courtesie 
 Should upward float to thee, old tree.'" 
 
 Such is the true old Anglo-Saxon idea of the duty 
 of a guest. We cannot improve upon it. 
 
 The manifest etiquette demands that, once in 
 your friend's house, you inform yourself as to the 
 hom-s and customs, and conform exactly. Break-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 283 
 
 fast is an informal meal, and most large houses 
 now allow their guests to take a cup of tea and 
 an egg in their own room, and to not regularly 
 breakfast until eleven or twelve o'clock. But if 
 the host is particular as to an early breakfast, 
 and the hostess says, " We shall expect you at the 
 breakfast table at eight o'clock," her guest is 
 bound to obey. 
 
 Inmost houses, however, the guest can break 
 fast when he pleases. A cold ham on the side- 
 board, and the oatmeal, coffee or tea which 
 makes the modern breakfast, can be readily 
 served at any hour. The American breakfast, 
 with its steaks, chops, fried, stewed and baked 
 potatoes, eggs in a dozen forms, hot cakes, toast, 
 fruit and tea and coffee, fried fish and chicken 
 (cold), and chicken broiled, is a meal unknown 
 on the Continent — that luxury is reserved for the 
 ddjeuner d la fourchette, or more like what we call 
 luncheon. A little strained honey, rolls, fresh 
 butter, with cheese, serves always for the break- 
 fast in Switzerland. In France, a cup of cafe-an- 
 laU, a roll and butter is enough. In England, a 
 roll or muffins and jam, with excellent black tea, 
 and a cold cut at the sideboard, is quite enough.
 
 284 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Our American breakfast, though delicious, is 
 quite too much to begin the day on. We should be 
 better for the more dedicate breakfast of the Swiss. 
 
 As breakfast is always an informal meal, a 
 gentleman may get up and help a lady. It is 
 rather pleasant to dismiss the servants and to 
 wait on one's self at breakfast. 
 
 But dinner is always a formal meal. The guests 
 should be sure to be punctual, to be dressed, to 
 be in good spirits, and in a talking mood, at din- 
 ner. It is the quintessence of the day. We must 
 save our best story, our jeu d^e^rit, our bon mot, 
 if we are so lucky as to have any, for dinner. 
 
 As guests, we are bound to make ourselves as 
 agreeable as possible. No little tempers, no sour 
 looks, no adverse opinions, no unpleasant criti- 
 cisms, should fall from the lips of a guest. The 
 most disagreeable of all circumstances should 
 find a guest firmly good-tempered. We are not 
 asked to our friend's house " to show our little 
 tempers." 
 
 Never abuse the weather, or the family dog. 
 Although the long storm may seem tedious, the 
 weather, for the nonce, is the property of your 
 host. Try in every way to counteract the exter-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 285 
 
 nal gloom by suggesting that you can get up 
 tableaux or private theatricals, or that you know 
 a trick or two at cards. A guest should always be 
 able to take a hand at whist or bezique, and should 
 he very composed as to draughts or the heat of a 
 room. Never ask to have a door or a window 
 open, if the hostess looks as if she did not like it. 
 Be first and always attentive to her. She is the 
 queen ; be her dutiful subject. 
 
 The family dog is a very hard case to manage. 
 If he be ugly, and frighten you, go around him 
 cautiously ; if he be dirty and offensive, and if, 
 like Macbeth's crime, ** he smell to heaven," never 
 speak of it. A family are always sensitive on this 
 point. They will defend the dog at the cost of 
 their lives, and as a guest, if you would preserve 
 your popularity, do you also defend, praise and 
 endure the family dog. 
 
 The servants, too, are another tender point. 
 No one, however judicious and kindly, can bear 
 to hear their servants badly spoken of We are 
 the servants of our servants, and we grow to harbor 
 their defects as being our own property. We are 
 jealous of their good name, even if we are aware 
 of their faults. We like to abuse them ourselves,
 
 286 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 but we do not intend that anj' one else shall abuse 
 them. 
 
 Above all things, never join in when one mem- 
 ber of the family attacks another. This is never 
 forgiven. We can be firm and assured in our 
 own hatred of our kindred, but we never like to 
 have anybody else attack them. A father-in-law 
 may call his daughter-in-law all sorts of names, 
 but no one else can do so with impunity to him. 
 A mother may abuse her daughter very vehe- 
 mently for making an imprudent marriage, but 
 she will never forgive any one else for doing so. 
 A brother will call his brother a fool, and even 
 criticise his sister unfavorably, but, if the guest 
 agree with him. he will turn upon the guest as 
 upon an enemy. 
 
 As for those who interfere between husband 
 and wife, history, poetry and the drama have 
 sufficiently elucidated their unhappy fate. Mr. 
 Snodgrass, in " Pickwick " (to refer to that immor- 
 tal book again), declared that he got the bootjack 
 on one side of his head and the hair-brush on the 
 other. 
 
 It is human nature. Our self-love is so great, 
 and so incorporater] in the idea of our next of
 
 ^ tHE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 287 
 
 kin, that we cannot bear that they should be 
 spoken of by others as we ourselves speak of them. 
 
 The Arab law thus holds good through all the 
 transmutations of fashion and of time. We must 
 be truthful, honest, sincere and good-tempered. 
 Or if we are none of these things, we must simu- 
 late a virtue, if we have it not, or else we are not 
 fit to be guests. We must, in spite of our con- 
 victions, maintain an amiable hypocrisy. 
 
 It is slavery, no doubt. But visiting, however 
 pleasant, is a sort of slavery — our chains are 
 gilded and bound with roses, but we must ac- 
 knowledge that they are chains. 
 
 Only people who have sufficient love of appro- 
 bation to be always amiable should ever attempt 
 to visit. 
 
 The heroic and independent people, who can- 
 not " conform," should never try to be guests. 
 
 The Arab law of hospitality, no doubt, thoug]^ 
 unspoken, demanded that such people should 
 stay at home. 
 
 Be punctual, be ready to take a back seat, be 
 patient as to a small room, accept every favor 
 graciously, and every neglect with particular 
 sweetness, if you would be a popular guest.
 
 THB AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 CHARACTERISTICS OF DIFFERENT CITIES. 
 
 FOREIGNERS find the inhabitants of our 
 cities differing so decidedly in their ideas 
 of etiquette, that they often declare that a 
 placard should be set up .in every city defining 
 the different order of behavior to be expected in 
 each. 
 
 Washington, for instance, our capital, has the 
 manners of a cosmopolitan foreign city. The 
 latest comers must call first. It is etiquette to 
 leave a card, not only on the President, but on 
 each of the Secretaries, and on every foreign 
 Minister, on the judges of the Supreme Court, on 
 all officials, and on the officers of the army and 
 navy, and upon such distinguished citizens as 
 are in the habit of receiving. 
 
 These cards should all be returned within three 
 days at farthest. Mrs. Fish, who was a model of 
 propriety and of elegant manners, always re- 
 turned her cards the next day. The name of her 
 reception day, in the corner of her card, gave
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. kWy 
 
 her visitor leave to call again on that day. This 
 sensible form of allowing the new-comer to call 
 first saves a world of time and trouble. 
 
 But great, busy, commercial New York has no 
 such sensible law ; people must wait to be called 
 upon, and there is a vast deal of trouble and 
 fuss. 
 
 Indeed, it is not to be wondered at that people 
 often give up trying to get at their friends in 
 New York. It in a busy, .selfish, preoccupied 
 place. 
 
 Yet, when a person is well introduced, no city 
 can be more hospitable. It is a city of grand 
 dinners, magnificent receptions and the most 
 reche^'cM entertainments. But social and truly 
 hospitable it cannot be — it is too large a con- 
 glomerate. 
 
 The old saying was, that, in Philadelphia, peo- 
 ple asked loho you were ; in Washington, they 
 asked lohat you were ; in New York, how much 
 you were worth ; in Boston, who your grand- 
 father was. It is a just classification. The old 
 and respectable aristocracies of Philadelphia and 
 Boston still have time to concern themselves 
 with ancestries. There is no such trifling in New
 
 290 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 York. " Moi ! Je suis man ancetre,^^ was the proud 
 remark of Napoleon. It is that of almost every 
 New Yorker. It is a self-made town. 
 
 In Washington, where intellectual prominence 
 — or what we Yankees call " smartness "—pre- 
 vails, the natural inquiry would be : *' What does 
 he or she know ? Can he talk well ? What is he ?" 
 
 In consequence, the society at Washington is 
 quite unparalleled in agreeability. If there is 
 anything in a man, it comes out in Washington. 
 It is the city of agreeable conversations ; it is 
 the sphere of charming little dinners. No one 
 can be local or narrow at Washington. 
 
 It is to be feared that conversation is somewhat 
 local and provincial in both of the aristocratic 
 cities— Boston and Philadelphia. They know so 
 well loho tJwy are themselves, that they expect yov 
 to know. They talk of Louisa, and Sarah, and 
 Edward, as if you, too, knew who Louisa, and 
 Sarah, and Edward are. One English nobleman 
 declared that a Philadelphian mentioned that, 
 when Daniel Webster came to Philadelphia, "he 
 had sat in his pew at church," a fact which did 
 not interest the English nobleman much, but 
 which was very important to the Philadelphian. Id
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 291 
 
 Boston, although the most intellectual of our 
 cities—" the Athens of America," " the Hub of the 
 Universe " — society is very local and condensed ; 
 families have intermarried, wealth and conse- 
 quence are in the hands of a few, and these few 
 desire to keep it in the fewest hands. They are 
 very indifferent to outside influences, and the 
 society, to a stranger, is frigid and cold. But. 
 when once penetrated, it is delightful ; and those 
 who know it well, like it better than any other. 
 No one must attempt, however, to storm it. It is 
 a city on a hill which cannot be hid, but it is well 
 protected by the invincible reserve of its people, 
 and one of its wits has said that a Boston man is 
 "condensed East wind," which is not so bad a 
 criticism. 
 
 Philadelphia is far more open-handed and easy 
 of access than Boston, for the old Quaker hospi- 
 tality has been joined to a southern warmth, and 
 it has produced a jolly sort of open-handed hos- 
 pitality. They feed one in Philadelphia as if they 
 intended to make a pate de foie gras of you, and 
 they are very delightful hosts. But beware how 
 you attempt to marry one of their daughters— 
 unless yon have sixteen quarterings and a grand-
 
 292 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 father ! They are particular about a grandfather 
 in Philadelphia. 
 
 Baltimore is a delightful city, although aristo- 
 cratic to the backbone. It is a very hospitable, 
 cosmopolitan town, and has the cavalier element 
 widely prevalent in its still gay society. The 
 memorj'' of Charles Calvert, Lord Baltimore, has 
 given it somewhat of an English tone. But it is 
 the best of all tones — there is nothing snobbish 
 about it. 
 
 New Orleans — gay Creole city — had great charm 
 before the war ; perhaps it has still. It is well 
 placed for hospitality, and the old French popu- 
 lation insures gaiety and a freedom from a false 
 economy, or what seems as such. 
 
 Many strangers are struck with the Puritan 
 economy of Bo.stou. It is never a lavish city, 
 and sometimes this note strikes harshly on the 
 ear of a foreigner. 
 
 Of course, New York is " the Paris of America,'" 
 and must ever have the greatest attractions for 
 a stranger. Even if he cannot get into society, 
 he can amuse himself at the many theatres and 
 at the ever-changeful aspect of its streets. 
 
 A stranger should always bring letters of intro-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 293 
 
 duction, even if only from another city. A lady 
 will always be glad to send a card for her re- 
 ceptions to a well-introduced man. She cannot, 
 of course, do so unless she knows that he is a 
 gentleman. 
 
 For much mischief has been done in New 
 York by the willingness some hostesses have 
 shown in introducing the most specious and 
 plausible of adventurers — those who travel with 
 a handle to their names. Nothing is so hard as 
 to doubt a prince, a lord, or a marquis. Yet a 
 prince picked a pocket at a lady's reception in 
 New York (he was a Russian prince), and she 
 was obliged to apologize to her guests for having 
 to send for a policeman, to at least frighten the 
 high-born villain. When she asked his Minister 
 for his character he said: "Yes, madame ; one 
 of the worst rascals in Russia. He cannot visit 
 in St. Petersburg." 
 
 With all our care the villains will get in, and, 
 alas ! good people, modest people, are kept out. 
 It is a sad state of things that there is no social 
 weighing ground where the true qualities of a 
 guest can be tested. Yet it finally settles itself, 
 and people get to know each other, somehow.
 
 294 TfiE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 There are certain predatory arabs in all cities, 
 who go about doing pretty much as they please. 
 No one can say why or wherefore they are 
 tolerated ; we must only bow our heads, and 
 — tolerate them. 
 
 To show a thorough delicacy as to accepting 
 civilities, to wait to be formally invited to all 
 parties, is the etiquette of every city. One can- 
 not be too particular on this point. Never ac- 
 cept a verbal invitation, such as '' Come and dine 
 with me any day," from people whom you know 
 slightly. You will scarcely ever hit upon the 
 right day. 
 
 Such invitations mean nothing. If your friend 
 wants you to come, let him want you so much 
 that he will specify the day and hour. Let him 
 say, in so many words, that he wishes you to dine 
 with him on Thursday, at seven o'clock. It is 
 then a very certain thing. 
 
 And you must remember, if an invited guest, 
 to answer such an invitation immediately, and to 
 keep the engagement with as much solemnity as 
 you would keep an oath. No one can trifle with 
 a dinner engagement. And, before leaving a city, 
 make a diimer call. In all cities this is an in-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 395 
 
 violable rule. It makes exceedingly bad feeling 
 if this not too onerous duty is neglected. 
 
 Newport, which is a sort of summer Washing- 
 ton, is governed by almost the same rules as 
 Washington, except that the new-comer does not 
 call first, except upon Mr. Bancroft, or some very 
 great man. The proprieties allow of a lady 
 sending her cards to her friends, saying where 
 she is staying. Now that Newport has a Casino, 
 where she can place her guests before the world, 
 as one lays a pack of cards on a table, this one 
 necessity of informing your friends of where you 
 are is done away with. There are no kursaals 
 or casinos in New York, Boston, Philadelphia, 
 Washington or New Orleans. The more's the 
 pity. It would be as convenient as a *' clearing 
 house for cards." 
 
 Society is in a transition state in America, and 
 one is very glad of anything which helps to settle 
 mooted points, such a mooted point, for instance, 
 as who shall call first, who shall be received, and 
 who shall not. These are now left to the hospi- 
 tahty and good nature of the individual. 
 
 Everything is apt to be better on acquaint- 
 ance. *' Even," as Willis says in his " Peijcilings
 
 296 THE AMEBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 by the Way"— "even a camel— unsightly as a 
 camel is, with its long, snaky neck, its frightful 
 hump and its awkward legs and action — wins 
 upon your kindness with a little acquaintance. 
 Its eye is exceedingly fine ; there is a lustrous, 
 sufEused softness in its large hazel orb that is the 
 rarest beauty in a human eye." 
 
 If so much beauty can be found in a camel, 
 how much may be discerned in the most un- 
 promising human acquaintance ! 
 
 Therefore, exclusiveness is not only hateful and 
 disagreeable, after a certain point, but it cheats 
 the person, who tries to adopt it, of a thousand 
 pleasures. The people whom we shun may be, 
 after all, the people whom we should like to 
 know. We are cheating ourselves, and not them. 
 
 For too exclusive people are not always agree- 
 able people. The most gifted, and rare, and un- 
 common people are not the most exclusive. Sir 
 Walter Scott could know everybody, and yet not 
 sully his bright genius. Gen. Washington said 
 that he would not be outdone in politeness by a 
 black man. 
 
 Cultivated people are apt to live in great seclu- 
 sion in our country, and, having neither intrigue,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 297 
 
 nor fashion, nor money making to think of, they 
 are apt to depend entirely upon books for their 
 amusement, and, therefore, when they come into 
 fashionable society they have nothing to talk 
 about ; for dogs, horses, cards, polo, lawn tennis, 
 dress and the last scandal, Mrs. Bigtree's dinner 
 and Mrs. Smallweed's, tea are what society people 
 mostly converse upon. So the somewhat uncon- 
 genial nature of Boston society may be accounted 
 for by the amount of culture which we know 
 exists there. 
 
 Philadelphia has an isolated position, and has 
 preserved its old customs and houses wonderfully. 
 Its characteristics are very marked and highly re- 
 spectable. It could perhaps, however, be im- 
 proved by more breadth of street and views. 
 
 New York is a French city, a German city, a 
 Spanish city, a Yankee city, and an English city. 
 No one can fathom what its wonderful Banyan- 
 tree growth will be in a hundi-ed years. It is now 
 the greatest curiosity as to its abnormal condition 
 in regard to etiquette ; yet to those who are well- 
 bred, or who desire to become so. New York 
 offers the most perfect and the most delight- 
 ful society possible in the world. If New York
 
 298 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 has a peculiarity, it is its thoroughly American 
 extravagance. 
 
 It is the most expensive town in the world. 
 Over-fine clothes, over-fine equipages, over-fine 
 houses are its characteristics. Its great merchants 
 have made great fortunes. They are, without 
 doubt, exceedingly magnificent. 
 
 Still, society can never arrive at Its most refined 
 tjHpe, while wealth and display are the prominent 
 characteristics of a great city. 
 
 The sunshine and gladness of its climate, its 
 thousand enchantments, its very quick, passionate 
 pulse, its movement, even its dissipation, its va- 
 riety and its cosmopolitan character, all tend to 
 distinguish New York as the very field for a polite 
 society — for a perfect and a sensible etiquette. 
 All these things bring many healthy people to- 
 gether in great hope of there spending their 
 lives, and of there trying their powers, and those 
 people should so judiciously temper each other's 
 peculiarities, that they may make a perfect society 
 and induce a sensible etiquette.
 
 ME AMERICAN CODE OP MAimERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 THE MORALS OF FASHION. 
 
 LET US dash an assent at the heads of the 
 enemies of fashion, and say, at once, that 
 the morals of fashion are bad. Let us al- 
 low that the present story of the aristocracy of 
 England is a disgraceful one, that the marriage 
 contract is not the holy and inviolable thing 
 which it once was. Let us concede everything. 
 It is the best platform for argument. 
 
 Let us concede that it is the day of the married 
 flirts, that women allow themselves to be talked 
 about, that the precious pearl, "a good name," 
 is often sold for a less precious pearl necklace 
 imported by Tiffany ; all this is true — too true. 
 
 And yet we shall find no stern moralist, who 
 does not wish her daughter to be in the fashion. 
 Why is this contradiction ? 
 
 Fashion means so much. It means pre-eminence 
 among our kind, it is leadership, it is success, it 
 is pleasure, it is gay delight, it is the front seat. 
 
 Therefore, we must image fashionable life
 
 300 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 as a great sea on which all crafts are sailing. 
 Here is a craft which we all know is not sea- 
 worthy, and yet it makes great show on the 
 waters — it outsails all other craft, it is the fore- 
 most yacht of the squadron. We see a very top- 
 heavy look about her sails, and a dangerous tip 
 to her keel, yet she gets ahead. Is it strange that 
 all the yachts try to imitate her ? It is not until 
 she goes down that we say: "Alas ! there was 
 always something wi*ong." 
 
 Now, it is to be observed, on the other hand, 
 that all fashionable people are not bad. It is per- 
 fectly possible to touch pitch and to not be de- 
 filed. We are all of us susceptible to good as 
 well as to evil impressions. A lovely mother and 
 her lovely daughter may go about together 
 through the excesses of fashion, as they would 
 pick their way through a dirty lane, and neither 
 would soil their feet. But it requires several 
 talents to enable one to accomplish this. 
 
 First, purity of heart ; to the pure, all things 
 are pure. Secondly, clearness of head; one 
 must see where vivacity ends, and where vulgarity 
 begins. Thirdly, a self-command which is nearly, 
 if not quite, miraculous.
 
 THE AMB5RICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 301 
 
 With these three adjuncts, a woman may be as 
 fashionable as she pleases, and still remain a good 
 woman. She maybe the companion of women 
 who use their charms as a means of procuring 
 camel's-hair shawls, and Worth dresses, and 
 diamonds, and yet maintain a reputation ; 
 she may know these whited sepulchres, and still 
 remain pure. Claims of family keep bad wo- 
 men in society, and are all-powerful. They can- 
 not be read out. The pure must know them, and 
 be assorted with them in the general estimation, 
 yet they can remain correct themselves. 
 
 With clearness of head, a mother can decide 
 just how much she will allow her daughter to 
 dance, just how much she will allow her to 
 ride on top of a coach, how much she shall dress, 
 what men she shall know. It is a question which 
 constantly asks itself — how much ? 
 
 For no mother must conceal from herself the 
 fact that, under its garb of flowers, society is 
 a masquerade of hate. The serpents of envy, 
 hatred, detraction and malice are bred by the 
 very warmth and richness of the soil. If a 
 woman is richer than her neighbors, entertains 
 more and better, there are those who will say
 
 302 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 disagreeable things about her. If a woman has 
 the fatal gift of beauty, there are always spirits, 
 full of detraction, who will doubt the genuineness 
 of the color, and find falseness in the smile. 
 
 If a woman has that mysterious talent which 
 includes all talents — a talent for success — she may 
 be sure that she will be attacked. She has no 
 armor of proof that will defend her from the 
 sneers of the unsuccessful. 
 
 But what soldier, who had the proper stuff in 
 him, ever left or shunned the field of battle be- 
 cause there was danger there ? What woman re- 
 treats before such foes as these ? Rather fight 
 and be killed, than to run away. 
 
 However, a knowledge of these facts is worth 
 having. One must, to be a woman of fashion, a 
 woman of the world, enter the lists knowing the 
 power of her adversary. She may perpetually 
 carry off the wreath, but she must fight her battle 
 with eternal vigilance. 
 
 Now, knowing what is to be feared, let us see 
 what is to be gained. 
 
 The society of our kind, the cultivation of the 
 social virtues. We have read in Rabelais and in 
 Browning the evils of a conventional, an isolated,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 303 
 
 life. No horrible, morbid vice, but may flourish in 
 the Isolation of an unnecessary solitude. A man 
 grows to loathe himself, to hate his kind, who is 
 shut out from the world. The surest wa,y to drive 
 a woman mad was ascertained by the old Italian 
 nobles, who secluded a hated wife in a lonely, 
 malarial castle. There is a malaria of the mind 
 which is worse than that of the body, and which 
 as surely accompanies solitude. 
 
 Man was not meant to live alone. Better by 
 far, society with its false growths, and Fashion 
 with its shifting face, than a seclusion which may 
 lead to selfish introspection, and to a morbid 
 distrust. 
 
 Hawthorne, whose solitary habits clouded his 
 genius, and gave us those morbid dissections, 
 which can be illy spared as artistic studies, but 
 which are not disposed to encourage cheerful 
 views of the human heart, regretted that he had 
 ever cultivated "the cursed habit of solitude." 
 He, undoubtedly, was less happy for it. There is 
 something in the attrition of society which is 
 good for the body as it is for the mind. Perhaps, 
 we lose by contact some unnecessary electricity 
 with which we are charged ; perhaps, it stimul^te^
 
 304 THB AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 the circulation and gives us a more robust pulse. 
 Certainly, it saves us from ourselves. Society 
 brightens up the wits, and causes the dullest 
 mind to bring its treasures to the surface. Social 
 intercourse has brought out for us the thought of 
 Macaulay and the laughter of Sidney Smith, the 
 wisdom of Montaigne and the profound sarcasm 
 of Voltaire, the humor of Tom Hood and the 
 noble wit of Thackeray. 
 
 Could we have afforded to lose all this, and 
 more — the noble procession of people of wit and 
 thought, through fashionable life — because also 
 Fashion brings a few false growths. 
 
 It is a lamentable commentary on human folly, 
 and the snobbishness which is said to underlie all 
 the virtues, that a monarch can entirely alter the 
 view of what is virtue, by making vice the fashion. 
 One needs but to compare the state of English 
 society during the life of the admirable Prince 
 Consort, and the present state of society under 
 the dissolute Prince, his son, to see it all. 
 
 Now the Queen is obliged to shut up Windsor 
 Castle against ''professional beauties" and the 
 divorced or separated American adventuresses 
 whom the Prince chooses to force upon English
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNBR8. 305 
 
 society. There is no such tyranny as this. If the 
 Prince says, "Let her be invited," the virtuous 
 English matron and her pure daughter must re- 
 ceive the \7orst woman who lives, and to this 
 sort of tyranny was France subjected during the 
 lives of Louis XIV. and XV. The letters of Mme. 
 de Sevigne to her daughter tell the story. 
 
 Fashion, in our country, it is to be feared, is 
 trying the role of the Prince of Wales. It is very 
 fascinating to an American mamma to hear her 
 daughter called Lady So-and-so, and, if she can 
 achieve it by fastness, she is apt to encourage a 
 little fastness. It is astonishing to read of the 
 tremendous sacrifices, humiliations and pecuniary 
 struggles which American mothers and fathers 
 go through for the sake of a titled alliance. This 
 is the worst weakness of fashion. 
 
 Thus we go on seeing the lights and shadows, 
 and begin to doubt whether or not the shadows 
 predominate. 
 
 The "Morals of Fashion " may have another 
 reading. We may say that Fashion has its own 
 morality. It is the fashion, fortunately, in the 
 gay world, to keep one's engagements, to pay 
 one's debts— particularly one's social debts ; to
 
 306 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA2mEB8. 
 
 dress oneself well, to make oneself agreeable. 
 There is no doubt that Fashion makes the world 
 more brilliant— a better place to live in. It brings 
 to its adornment flowers, music, gay colors, 
 gems, fine furniture, horses, carriages and splen- 
 did houses. "The pride of life" is a superb 
 thing, it is useless to undervalue it. 
 
 Fashion keeps aUve a thousand industries. It 
 has its benevolent side. Let a charity become 
 fashionable, and it always succeeds. A fashion- 
 able church seems a misnomer, but it has its 
 uses. Many a person who is wholly worldly, and 
 could be reached no other way, may be touched 
 some day, under her silk and furs, by the silvery 
 tones of the Reverend Morphine Velvet. Even 
 his drawled utterances cannot stifle the beauty of 
 that clarion call — " What shall all things beneflt 
 me, if I lose my own soul." 
 
 Then, again, a noble word may be spoken by a 
 great prophet, which shall rouse the congregation 
 to better things. 
 
 Fashion makes all sorts of people. Sometimes 
 it brings out a scornful beauty — 
 
 " Disdain and scorn ride sparkling in her eyes, 
 Misprising what they look on, and her wit
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNliRS. 307 
 
 Values itself so highly, that to her 
 All matter else seems weak. She cannot love 
 Nor take no shape nor project of affection, 
 .She is so self-endeared." 
 
 Again, it creates beautiful and sweet young wo- 
 men, who are its pets and darlings, yet are never 
 spoiled. They are Fashion's successes, and men 
 say of them : 
 
 " From women's eyes this doctrine I derive : 
 They sparkle still, the right Promethean fire ; 
 They are the books, the arts, the academies, 
 That show, contain and nourish all the world." 
 
 Fashion is at its best in the married woman, 
 who directs, purifies and ennobles a large circle. 
 Her power is endless. She is 
 
 " Subtle as sphinx, as sweet and musical," 
 yet generous, grand and noble as Portia ; kind to 
 the young, a staff to the old, a friend to the 
 friendless ; great to her rivals, for she ignores 
 them ; faithful at home, a power abroad. Who 
 can measure the use, the infinite value, of such a 
 woman ? 
 
 She makes, orders, governs and holds together 
 society. Around the outer edge of her noble 
 sphere the married flirts may flutter and die, the 
 deeply-dyed adventuress may plot and ensnare,
 
 308 THB AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 the envious may rage, and the malicious imagine a 
 vain thing. She rises superior to them all. She 
 is the queen. 
 
 Fashion produces its worst effects when it 
 makes young men efifete. To see a man devoted 
 to fashion and to nothing else, is to see the poor- 
 est emasculation of the race. Particularly the 
 form of modern effete fashion. 
 
 " Lord Angelo is precise, 
 Stands at a guard with envy, scarce confesses 
 That his blood flows, or that his appetite 
 Is more to bread than stone." 
 
 It is strange where Fashion got this creature — 
 this paralytic and selfish monster. There is 
 something deep in the heart of all humanity that 
 loves the energy, the health, the vivacity of a 
 strong young man. We love a lover, but he must 
 be a manly one. We forgive even brutality in 
 man, if it shows his strength. The errors of 
 youthful blood have ever been condoned, and the 
 wildest boy has often made the noblest gentle- 
 man. But the young man who has no warmth, 
 no strength, who drawls and lisps, and devotes 
 himself to his own pleasure, and says the weakest 
 things, who is less than a girl in his brawn and
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 309 
 
 muscle, and like a dolt in intellect— who wants 
 him? He must be a spawn of the worst deca- 
 dence of Paris, a false growth of her miasmatic 
 slums of wickedness, the last result of a fashion 
 which has insulted nature by the marriage de con 
 venance, and a picture of what Fashion can do 
 when she aims at a failure. 
 
 Fashion is at her best when she makes her men 
 love horses, dogs and hunting, boating, games 
 and swimming ; when she preaches physical cul- 
 ture. It is a good thing to see a man play lawn 
 tennis under a hot sun for five hours ; you feel 
 that that man could storm a battery. 
 
 Fashion does a good work when she brings . 
 about a universal courtesy— 
 
 " The voice was soft, and she who spake 
 Was walking by her native lake. 
 The salutation had to me 
 The very sound of coiirtesy.'" 
 
 Our American young women of fashion have 
 been accused of a want of the soft voice, and an 
 absence of courtesy. Let both be cultivated, for 
 they are invaluable. 
 
 Fashion is hot without a sense of humor, and 
 loves a witty man, or, that rarer thing, a witty
 
 310 THB AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 woman. It loves an easy naturalness, a suitable 
 and moderated gesticulation. It does not love 
 (except, perhaps, occasionally in dress) exaggera- 
 tion. Indeed, the morals of fashion should in- 
 clude a perfectly good taste, if there be such a 
 thing. 
 
 There are some people whose natural powers of 
 voice and manners exercise an Irresistible fascina- 
 tion—they are always the fashion, for they are the 
 stuff of which fashion should be made. To please, 
 to make people feel hapjjy, to ornament the day, 
 to make a party go off well — this is the end and 
 aim of the human race, whose pursuit is fashion. 
 
 There are nobler aims. We do not pretend to 
 say that there are not. A life can be better spent 
 than in the pursuit of fashion. 
 
 But we cannot ignore the power of that subtle 
 influence which rules the world. We know that 
 an absurd fashion in dress will come and go, and 
 we shall all yield to it. We know that one year 
 we wear boxes on our heads like the Japanese, 
 and, the next year, wheels like the Hottentots. 
 We know that we can no more bind fashion to 
 our liking than can sunbeams bring flowers and 
 grapes out of a stone wall. We could cause the
 
 Tiam AMERICAN CODE OF MAHTNERS. 311 
 
 clouds to snow quite as soon as we could make a 
 fashion. It comes mysteriously, but powerfully, 
 from some source of which we know nothing. 
 Why did Queen Elizabeth dine at eleven, and 
 why do we dine at seven ? Why do we wear long 
 dresses one year and short ones the next ? Im- 
 agine how a man in a lawn tennis suit, or a girl in 
 an ulster, would have been hooted ten years ago ! 
 
 Why is literature so different in different ages ? 
 A virtuous and even priggish age tolerated a free- 
 dom of expression which we cannot endure. 
 
 The wit of one age is the stupidity of the next. 
 The immortal stories of Scott, the humor of 
 Dickens, the poetry of Byron, are all subject to 
 the mutations of fashion. 
 
 What is it, then V and what are its morald ?
 
 312 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 SEVERAIi KINDS OF EXCHTSIVENESS. 
 
 THE wealthy butcher, having made a fortune, 
 is sure to look down on his wealthy com- 
 petitor, the baker, and is not likely to invite 
 him to his parties. In America this struggle 
 for exclusiveness becomes always absurd, as one 
 traces back the origin of families. 
 
 For, although there are a few families who 
 have here claim to long descent, they are now of 
 little importance to the men who make them- 
 selves, and an aristocracy in America must be 
 one of talent or money. The man of the hour is 
 the man of family. 
 
 It is not strange, however, that amid all other 
 claims to a fine society, we should put in this one 
 of exclusiveness 
 
 Mrs. Mont Blanc, for instance, wishes, of all 
 things, to keep her lofty height unsullied, and 
 she looks about, naturally, for the neighboring 
 snowy peaks. She is richer than anybody else, 
 her right to a splendid position is undoubted,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. B18 
 
 but she cannot bear to shine alone in solitary 
 grandeur. She wishes to have somebody come and 
 see her splendor, to do her homage, to kcrp ap 
 the burning incense before her shrine. She 
 wants an entourage of worship. Who shall be 
 permitted to go and worship ? Will Mrs. Aiquille 
 Vert be good enough ? Will Miss Jungfrau come ? 
 Shall she allow Mrs. Montant Vert the privilege ? 
 She will not invite Mrs. Matterhorn— oh no ! for 
 Mrs. Matterhorn is too high herself. She must 
 not have a rival too near the throne. 
 
 Giving so much thought and talent to the sub- 
 ject, Mrs. Mont Blanc does arrive at a very aristo- 
 cratic state, and her parties are considered the 
 cap-sheaf of exclusive fashion. She gets much 
 glory from them herself, and every one is desir- 
 ous of being asked, for it is thought to be a cer- 
 tificate of fashion to be seen at her parties. 
 
 But are they agreeable? Does not the weary 
 traveler come home and say : " Well, it was 
 splendid, but stupid." 
 
 Mrs. Gushingstream has another kind of ex- 
 clusiveuess. She wishes to be very fashionable 
 and very fast. She will have nobody who would 
 put a severe face on that flirting, dancing, gay
 
 314 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 saturnalia of hers. She does not care for Mrs. 
 Mont Blanc or Mrs. Matterhorn. They bore her 
 excessively. She would like one invitation a 
 year to these parties, but she could not stand 
 more ; it is important to her fashion that she 
 should have that, but further she careth not. 
 
 The gay supper at Delmonico's after the theatre 
 is more to her taste, and the ride on the coach, 
 and the dancing party, with all its fast men for 
 partners, is her dear delight. 
 
 Mrs. Lindenmere has another kind of exclusive- 
 ness. She only wants people of talent — men who 
 have done something good or great, women of 
 refined and good lives. 
 
 Mrs. Lindenmere is naturally aristocratic. 
 She does like an old family name, but she 
 adores talent and despises meanness. Her kind 
 of exclusiveness is, perhaps, the most admirable, 
 but cTiacun a son gout. Every man's house is his 
 castle, and we cannot say a word as to the pro- 
 priety of each person doing as he pleases. 
 
 Exclusiveness, however, is sometimes only 
 another name for snobbery, ill-temper and 
 jealousy. 
 
 The fashionable expert — who finds herself rich.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 315 
 
 the possessor of a fine house, the person who can 
 give invitations— is very apt to make that position 
 a mere opportunity for wreaking slights on peo- 
 ple whom she dislikes. A woman who is prettier 
 than herself, who cannot help attracting the notice 
 of gentlemen, such a woman is always sure to be 
 left out of her parties. She takes no note of 
 patient merit. She invites only those who will 
 benefit herself. She conducts the social policy 
 as certain politicians conduct the government, 
 merely seeking those friends who will advance a 
 selfish popularity for herself. She has no grand 
 ideas for the rest of the world. 
 
 Exclusiveness exists in religion. The Catholic 
 who speaks of the iVoyi-Catholic instead of the 
 Protestant, the Close-Communion Baptist, the 
 Episcopalian, who denies that any one has a 
 right to translate the Bible but himself, these are 
 types, and they are strongly attractive tj^es 
 to the majority of men. They are the largest of 
 all the sects. So it would seem that the exclusive 
 people, both in religion and in fashion, are the 
 most authoritative and the most envied. Every 
 one wants to get over the highest paling, and to 
 unlock the mast vigilautly-closed door.
 
 316 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 There is no doubt that, in a selfish point of 
 view, exclusiveness helps a fashionable woman. 
 It gives her a sort of dignity and worth which 
 those do not have who open their doors to every- 
 body. It seems to say that she is superior to 
 others. On the other hand, no man or woman, or 
 idea, has ever improved society or mankind if it 
 represent narrowness and a small exclusiveness. 
 The grand men, the great women, the bold ideas, 
 have governed the world. Not alone that small 
 part of it which we call society, but Church, .state, 
 and literature. 
 
 A hostess can exercise a wise exclusiveness. 
 such as the celebrated Lady Palmerston described 
 herself as doing, when she " passed Lord Palmer- 
 ston's acquaintances through a coarse sieve,'" 
 and every hostess is bound to do this. No 
 woman who entertains should ask everybody to 
 her house. The very respect which she owes to 
 herself and to her guests should prevent this. 
 As one clever woman said once of another : " I am 
 never complimented by being asked to Mrs. 
 Manywether's camp." No lady should allow her 
 house to be degraded into a "camp." Such an 
 exclusiveness, as that which Lady Palmerston
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 317 
 
 showed, is the right kind for the perfection of 
 society. It winnows the chaff from the wheat. 
 
 Let us look, then, with some degree of respect 
 upon those whom the world calls fantastically or 
 snobbishly exclusive. There can be no more 
 sure way of being nought after, but, perhaps, no 
 more cruel role, for the person who adopts it hurts 
 more feelings than she helps; but, after all. it 
 may have its uses. 
 
 A lady, in entertaining, should always remem- 
 ber one thing — to invite those whom she believes 
 to be congenial. She should not make her parties 
 either political, musical or literary, exclusively, 
 but she should have a general idea of sets and of 
 their tastes, and of who would like to meet who. 
 Especially is this important at a dinner or a break- 
 fast, where the guests must sit and talk for two 
 or three hours together. There is no such ordeal 
 of agreeability. To invite a vaporous, fashionable 
 woman to sit next to an Oxford or Cambridge 
 professor who has a speciality of which he wishes 
 to talk, is to make both supremely miserable. To 
 ask a young poet to sit next to an old Tabby, who 
 can talk nothing but dissection of character and 
 social parboiling, is to ruin his dinner at least.
 
 318 THE AMERICAK CODE OF MA:S>'ERS. 
 
 To ask . politician to sit next to an abstract phi- 
 losopher is as bad as possible. 
 
 Therefore, a woman should consider all these 
 questions before she begins to entertain. To 
 form a salon in America is said to be impossible, 
 because there are no people to whom society is a 
 business, as it is in Europe, and the very people 
 who could do it prefer to invite their own exclu- 
 sive set. 
 
 It is curious to observe, at every watering- 
 place hotel, at every capital city, even in every 
 small village, this attempt at exclusiveness. It i? 
 astonishing to see how it always hurts somebody 
 to be left out of somewhere. There is a very 
 great tendency to a brutal assumption of one"? 
 social rights among our notiveau riche who imitate 
 the English. 
 
 The law of primogeniture has made the whole 
 English race selfish. The power given to an 
 elder son to turn his mother, and sisters, and 
 younger brothers out-of-doors, when he comes of 
 age, of course engenders the profoundest selfish- 
 ness. It makes a privileged class who can as- 
 .sume to drive in before another at the Ascot 
 races, throw dust with impunity, and do all sort?*
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 310 
 
 of insolent things. The poorer younger brothers 
 cannot complain, because they want patronage. 
 
 Our rich people at Newport, and at other 
 places, copy this insolence too often. 
 
 A man who has money and position here often 
 thinks it an aristocratic and English thing to do, 
 to insult some one less well known than himself. 
 He, of course, becomes unpopular ; but it is too 
 unfortunately true that, if he is called exclusive, 
 there are many weak people who wish to be in- 
 vited to his parties, and who will curry favor by 
 submitting to insults. 
 
 All this comes under the head of snobbishness, 
 which is the undergrowth of fashion. It is the 
 shadow, the toadstool, the malaria of good so- 
 ciety. 
 
 To a young person entering society we would 
 commend a certain exclusiveness. It is always 
 wise to choose one's friends slowly and with due 
 consideration. We are not the most perfect be- 
 ings ourselves ; we do not want to be intimate 
 with too much imperfection. A broken friend- 
 ship is a Very painful thing. We should think 
 twice ere we give an intimate confidence to any 
 one.
 
 820 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 But we would not advise a young person to 
 choose his or her friends from the worldly point 
 of fashion or wealth. Try to find those who are 
 good and true, honorable and generous, well-bred 
 and well-educated, whoever they may be. It is, 
 then, of no sort of consequence as to what exact 
 shade of fashion they may be. These people are 
 always good society. 
 
 It is not at all impossible tkat such persons 
 may be found in the realms of high fashion, for 
 good company makes many virt«es. Politeness, 
 self-possession, fine manners stri^ie in as well as 
 out, and the gay salon shows many a glimpse of 
 beautiful character. By no means suppose, that 
 because some leaders of fashion are insolent, that 
 all leaders of fashion are also. But try, in all 
 conditions of life, to read character first, before 
 drawing general deductions. 
 
 Exclusiveness has this advantage— it causes 
 a lady to pause and to inquire into the general 
 characteristics of her guests ; their moral, 
 social and political standing. We use the word 
 political in its largest sense. 
 
 I<n spite of a determined exclusiveness, the most 
 objectionable men and women get into the most
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 321 
 
 fashionable society. It is to be feared that the 
 possession of wealth is more desired than the 
 possession of any other attribute ; that much is 
 forgiven to the rich man which would be rank 
 heresy in the poor one. We have no such invio- 
 lable virtue that we can as yet rate Dives and 
 Lazarus before death, as they are rated after 
 death. Dives gives too good dinners ; we enjoy 
 his balls and his music. A handsome, agreeable 
 guilty woman, who can sing and who can amuse 
 us, is very apt to get into our parties in spite of all 
 exclusiveness. 
 
 The number of modest people who have real 
 merit and who are kept out by the exclusiveness 
 of society must be very large ; yet, if they have 
 tact and a gift for social pre-eminence, they will 
 find their way. The most certain way to please 
 is to show a modest indifference to " the smiles of 
 the great " (they call it patronage in England— we 
 have no such ugly word here), and the surest way 
 to stultify one's fashionable position is to pu!<h. 
 No one likes a pusher. 
 
 That would be an ideal exclusiveness which 
 should only admit the cultivated, the good, the 
 wise and the elegant. But where, then, would be
 
 322 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 the crowded halls of Fashion ? We fear that 
 they would be very lonely ! It is not always the 
 highest breeding in these degenerate days which is 
 * ' the fashion. ' ' The manners on the bathing beach 
 at a certain well-known watering-place contra- 
 dict such a belief. 
 
 There is little exclusiveness there, and it is a 
 pitiable trait of our nineteenth century manners 
 that the want of modesty and reserve on the part 
 of women, and the want of respect on the part 
 of men, are thus openly tolerated.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANKBKS. 323 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 BREEDING, CULTIVATION AND MANNERS. 
 
 GOOD breeding comprehends that intimate 
 knowledge of all that is refined, amiable, 
 befitting and elegant in manner and conver- 
 sation, which comes, first, from a training at 
 the mother's knee and in the father's house, and 
 secondly, from an ability and desire to accept 
 those refining infiuences which an after knowl- 
 edge and interest in society will help to render 
 one conventionally well-bred, according to the 
 etiquette of society. 
 
 Good breeding puts the nature under restraint : 
 it controls the temper, and tempers the speech. 
 No man, who is well-bred, will swear in the pres- 
 ence of ladies, or smoke, without their permission, 
 in any room where they may be. Good breeding 
 is the guardian angel of a woman ; in any position 
 in which she may find herself, it makes the plain- 
 est woman attractive, and its silent but continu- 
 ous pressure encircles her like a golden or silken
 
 ■^ 
 
 324 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 net, and prevents a thousand escapades into 
 which passion or feeling might hurry her. There 
 are very few thoroughly well-bred women in this 
 world who go astray. 
 
 Breeding, therefore, may be defined as the 
 apotheosis of self-restraint : it prevents the hun- 
 gry boy from accepting the last peach at dessert, 
 it tames down the exuberant spirits of girlhood, 
 it tells the ardent horsewoman not to jump that 
 last fence, it modulates the laugh, and it gives 
 dignity to the walk. A well-bred person is not 
 loud, does not talk slang, nor is she pronottcef 
 in anything. A well-bred man is quiet in dress, 
 respectful to everybody, kind to the weak, helpful 
 to the feeble. He may not be an especially 
 generous or kind-hearted man, but good breeding 
 tells him that these things are within the duties 
 of a gentleman. He simulates a virtue if he has 
 it not, and is courteous and tender to the old, the 
 feeble, the humble, or to those whom society 
 taboos. ^' Nobl^se oblige ^^ is his motto, and his 
 practice is to do that which he feels he owes to 
 himself 
 
 A well-bred woman may take a large liberty to 
 herself, as to dress, equipage and style, but she
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 535 
 
 will never outrage convenances (we have no English 
 word to express the delicate shade of meaning 
 which this French word so aptly defines). She 
 will not force herself in where she is not wanted ; 
 she will not push herself ; she will delicately refrain 
 from accepting any civilities which she cannot 
 return. She will be a lady through all the trials 
 of poverty, or the greater trials of sudden and 
 unexpected wealth. She will do her part in the 
 social world gently, honorably, and well. No 
 lady ever talks much of herself, or of her slights, or 
 of her Gompliments. She sinks herself in others, 
 tries to be as agreeable as she can, to be always 
 polite, to allow no exhibitions of temper, to go 
 helpfully on through life, to refrain from patron- 
 izing, to negatively observe all the nuances of 
 good manners, to retire gracefully if her seat is 
 wanted — to be, m fact, thoughtful of others. This 
 is good breeding, and the perfection of it, makes 
 the lady, no matter where she is. And yet, the 
 reader will observe, if this is good breeding, 
 where are all the well-bred people ? 
 
 The truth is, nothing is so rare as to see in 
 these degenerate days, truly well-bred young 
 men. The sons of our best families are coarse,
 
 326 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 selfish and impolite, as a rule. They have not the 
 air which their fathers had. They do not, appar- 
 ently, respect women. This is notoriously true of 
 most fashionable young men. They are not 
 prone to rise and give their seats to a lady. 
 They are not too particular as to their language. 
 They will assume a severe and bored expression 
 when a lady speaks to them. They are, in the 
 vernacular of New England, hateful; in the 
 language of England, they are cubs. In fact, the 
 youthful bear would seem to be their prototype, 
 for they can only be propitiated with sweets. To 
 see such a young man at the Casino, at Newport, 
 refrain from rising to give his chair to a married 
 lady — his mother, perhaps ; to see him in the 
 skating rink, oblivious of the fact that a lady near 
 him needs some assistance which he could render ; 
 to see the brutal manner in which he laughs at 
 some unfortunate accident, and to notice the 
 thorough selfishness which governs his conduct, 
 is to finally despair of the world, and to say : 
 "These young men have been brought up by 
 Christian fathers and refined mothers, they have 
 been sent to dancing school, they have been 
 educated at college — whence, then, this dreadful
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 327 
 
 disregard of decency ? Where is their breeding, 
 where their cultivation and where their man- 
 ners?" 
 
 The answer is, they have 710 cultivation, and 
 the breeding which they receive at home is 
 rubbed out by the selfishness of the age. The 
 best mothers, in a worldly sense, are thinking far 
 more of securing a rich match for their sons than 
 of making them thorough gentlemen. These 
 boys hear money, money, money, talked from 
 morning until night. What girl can be well- 
 mannered when her education tends to the neces- 
 sity of catching a rich husband, in defiance of 
 modesty or of morality ? The worship of wealth 
 in America is injuring manner. 
 
 At the colleges, the old fashion of study is 
 almost wiped out. The men are talking of row- 
 ing, of their societies, of the ball match, the race- 
 course and the opera bouffe, instead of discussing 
 an ode of Horace or an essay by Macaulay. To 
 talk of literature is considered affected, and the 
 man who should do so is voted a muff. They 
 have absolutely a term full of reproach for a 
 student ; he is a " dig," and no young member 
 of the fashionable club wishes to be a " dig."
 
 328 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Thus cultivation, which is the very certain 
 parent of good breeding, is left out of the train- 
 ing of many a young man. If a man is a scholar, 
 a thinker, a refined and cultivated man, breeding 
 and manners will come to him, even if, like 
 Burns, he has started from the plow^. There are 
 no books of etiquette like the classics, in all lan- 
 guages. A man cannot read Latin and Greek 
 and remain a boor. He cannot read Shakespeare, 
 Milton, and Racine, and Moliere. and be a vulgar 
 upstart. He is, if a thoroughly cultivated man, 
 at least a gentleman. 
 
 But the age being a revolutionary one, so far 
 as etiquette and manners are concerned, we must 
 look for good breeding to a class which has not 
 been corrupted by fashion, and whose wealth is 
 yet to be gained. We shall find in every class in 
 college some natural-bom gentleman. He has a 
 good heart, he is modest, unselfish and noble : 
 he is not thinking of himself, but of that mother 
 whom he hopes to support ; he is working for 
 fame, for honor, and for her. In the banking 
 house, in the dry goods store, in the railway 
 oflfice, in the struggling ranks of the professions, 
 must we look for the coming gentleman— the maij
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 329 
 
 who is not thinking of himself, but who is work- 
 ing for some one else. 
 
 In the ranks of society we also still find some- 
 times the ideal gentleman. Society has not pro- 
 duced so good a crop of young men as it should 
 do ; yet its false aims, its glittering prizes, have 
 not yet dazzled all men out of the true and ideal 
 breeding. There is such a thing as an " admirable 
 Crichton" — a man who can think, read, study, 
 work, and be fashionable. He can go through 
 the fierce fires of social competition and yet not 
 be scorched. All men are not ignoble, nor vulgar, 
 nor selfish, if the majority be. But it is not to 
 be denied that the breeding of the young men of 
 the fashionable world is not, to-day, the breeding 
 in which their grandfathers or fathers excelled. 
 
 Let us, however, mention that the oflBcers of 
 the army and navy are almost always well-bred 
 men. They have received what our young men 
 all need — a repressive training. 
 
 The young and fast girl of the period is 
 the most ill-bred person possible, in a major- 
 ity of cases. A flirtatious and pleasure-loving 
 mother never produces a well-bred daughter. In 
 fact, what chance has a daughter of such a
 
 aaU THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 mother of any goo I breeding ? She must fight 
 for herself to obtain the beaux, her rival being 
 her mother ! She finds that if she is loud, eccen- 
 tric and bold, she attracts attention. To elderly 
 ladies she is as insolent as a prize-fighter ; indeed, 
 the carriage of these half-boy young ladies recalls 
 the attitude of a prize-fighter, often. To see 
 them receive or return a greeting, is to see the 
 perfection of bad breeding. 
 
 A gentleman, who had the thorough good 
 breeding of the past, received a weU-dowered 
 and beautiful young woman into his family as a 
 daughter-in-law. He was pleased with the con- 
 nexion in every sense but one. 
 
 " She has no manners," said he, after a month's 
 acquaintance. " She does not bow to me on the 
 stairs, or accept my proffered hand. She has no 
 breeding, no cultivation, no manners. She does 
 not treat the servants well ; she is insolent to my 
 old sister ; she makes no effort to be agreeable to 
 my guests ; and yet, I think she is kind-hearted 
 enough, and means to do right. Do you know, I 
 think she does not know how to be polite. She 
 has no cultivation. " 
 
 He was right. His daughter-in-law knew how 
 
 I
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 331 
 
 to ride a horse, to dance, to speak French, but 
 how to be a lady she knew not. It was a language 
 she had not learned. /J'll^^ n^^ru^ U. 
 
 Now, it is easy enough to learn when and how 
 to leave a card, how to behave at a dinner, how 
 to dress, how to eat with one's fork, how to 
 sit in a carriage, how to bow and how to courtesy, 
 how to receive and how to drop an acquaintance, 
 but what a varied education is that which teaches 
 us to be well-bred ! Can we acquire it late in life ? 
 Can we be a thoroughbred — all by ourselves ? 
 
 Yes, by purging the nature of undue self- 
 esteem, arrogance, selfishness and snobbery— &?/ 
 making the heart right. To be fascinating and all- 
 conquering is not given to every one ; indeed, it 
 is the privilege of the very few. But to be 
 polite and well-bred is possible. Some women 
 have but to smile and bow to conquer the world, 
 others must study long and patiently to achieve a 
 good manner. The worst manner is born of a 
 coarse indifference and a self-sufficient arro- 
 gance ; it is the manner which the nouveau riche 
 woman assumes ; it is the perfection of igno- 
 rance. She announces herself a vulgarian by 
 every pompous sneer.
 
 332 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 
 
 Breeding, cultivation and manners come, there- 
 fore, from the heart and the mind. They are not 
 outward graces to be learned at the dancing- 
 school. They must be fostered. The dancing- 
 school and books of etiquette are valuable, only as 
 the grammar of the language we are learning ; they 
 may assist us, but we must furnish the material 
 on which to work. The old adage, that it takes 
 three generations to make a gentleman, is being 
 contradicted by the conduct of many of our 
 young men, who are undoing what three genera- 
 tions have made. Of course, we must always 
 see that race is a predominant thing. Some 
 families are always surly, others are polite. 
 Judge Story, an eminent jurist, was the soul of 
 sweetness. His politeness was most enchanting 
 and proverbial. His gifted son, Mr. Wm. W. 
 Story, the sculptor, has inherited this affable and 
 delightful manner. Other distinguished contem- 
 poraries of his had icy and forbidding manners, 
 and the frigidity and cubbiness have descended 
 in exact ratio of excess, as the talent has dimin- 
 ished. To have nothing left of a great ancestor 
 but his bad manners is a poor inheritance. 
 But the American should have the best man-
 
 THE AMiERICAN CODE OP MANNERS. 333 
 
 ners in the world, for he has nothing to crush 
 him. He need never be subservient, he can 
 always afford to be polite. No man here knows 
 a master. If another man is richer, is that any 
 reason for being afraid of him ? Our richest 
 people, the Astors, have ever been distinguished 
 for kindly and excellent manners, generous hearts 
 and a perfect breeding. It is to be presumed 
 that they do not admire a snob, or any one who 
 grovels ; indeed, no one loves a snob, least of all 
 the man whom the snob cultivates. 
 
 There is no possible return, perhaps, to those 
 courtly bows and courtesies of the past, those com- 
 pliments and those stately speeches of our an- 
 cestors. The age is a different one, and yet, as 
 we see some pretty old lady, who of us has not 
 envied her her manners ? How graceful and 
 picturesque they are ! How delicately she eats. 
 What neat ways she has ; what pretty compli- 
 ments she pays ; how gently and gracefully she 
 moves ! She has never said a rude thing in her 
 life ; her lips would be paralyzed first. Is her 
 granddaughter half as agreeable, with her loud 
 voice, her stride, her defiant air ? 
 
 No ; a thousand times, no.
 
 3:34 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 And this bent old gentleman, who tries to tell 
 us a good story ; to remember his past wit, to 
 help a lady out of a carriage with old-fashioned 
 and knightly courtesy. Is he less attractive than 
 his grandson, who does not know one-third as 
 much, but who assumes to know a great deal 
 more than his grandpapa — indeed, the young 
 cub calls the old gentleman a ''buffer." Which 
 is the man of breeding, and cultivation, and 
 manners ? 
 
 The manners of the past, though somewhat 
 stiff and formal, had this great advantage over 
 the manners of the present : they were founded 
 on respect for others. 
 
 The manners of the present are the outcropping 
 of a selfish indifference. Until that feeling is 
 mended, perhaps the manners never will be.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 335 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 THE DUTIES OF AMERICANS TO SOCIETY. 
 
 THE duty of an American to his own society 
 is somewhat complicated. He has a very 
 queer problem to solve. We will presume 
 that he is a traveled man, learned in all the 
 foreign etiquette, able to hold his own in any 
 capital of Europe, and desirous, as is every gen- 
 tleman, to appear well in all — as a gentleman 
 always should. He does not wish to parade his 
 culture. He detests a fop, as he detests a boor ; 
 they are the two disagreeable extremes which he 
 should avoid. 
 
 Yet he is, if he goes to Washington, as a Sena- 
 tor or a Representative, to be associated with 
 a man from Yahoo Territory, who is, perhaps, 
 his political superior, and who will be his social 
 equal. 
 
 This man eats with his knife, picks his teeth 
 with his fork, and wears a red necktie to an 
 evening party, and a frock-coat in the morning. 
 He uses bad grammar, conscientiously, because
 
 336 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 it makes him popular with his constituents, but 
 excellent English in his speeches. He has that 
 singular fluency which makes the American poli- 
 tician the wonder and the miracle of the age ; he 
 has a natural aptitude for statesmanship. No 
 one can accuse Bardwell Slote, however, of any 
 knowledge of etiquette, yet he, possibly, will be 
 nominated as Minister to France, the very birth- 
 place of etiquette. He will be invited to dine 
 with the King of Belgium, one of the most ele- 
 gant and enhghtened of modern potentates; he 
 will go in a costume which might pa.ss muster 
 in Yahoo, but which causes His Majesty of 
 Belgium to cough violently behind his handker- 
 chief. 
 
 The polished American — from Boston, we will 
 say — is annoyed beyond measure if he is con- 
 founded with the Hon. Bardwell Slote. He 
 knows that, politically, he is his inferior. He 
 cannot tell His Majesty, however, that a knowl- 
 edge of knives and forks and finger bowls is as 
 common to one-half of our country people as it 
 is a mystery to the other half. He must bear in 
 silence all the sneers and the insulting criticisms 
 upon Bardwell, knowing that this particularly
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 337 
 
 awkward position is now indirectly due to the 
 Declaration of Independence. 
 
 We have had ladies in the White House who 
 have insulted the people's English, and who have 
 ignored Lindley Murray ; we have had foreign 
 Ministers who got drunk in the streets, and 
 others who raised their voices and who crowed in 
 their court-yards like a cock. 
 
 It did not appease the polished gentleman 
 from Boston to hear the natives say : "Oh! les 
 AmericainsP^ with a shrug. 
 
 If, by any chance, a cultivated American tinds 
 himself at a foreign court as a Minister, he is 
 obliged to use all his diplomacy to know how to 
 keep his country-people in bounds in the eti- 
 quette of a strict court. The Hon. Bardwell 
 Slote wishes to pick his teeth, in the presence of 
 Queen Victoria, with his jack-knife. His inde- 
 pendence is bumptious ; he does not intend to 
 improve the etiquette of Yahoo. 
 
 No one in the world is more thoroughly a slave 
 than is such a man, who thinks himself indepen- 
 dent. He is the slave of early bad habits, of a 
 defective education. Should he for one moment 
 thiuk of the difference between himself and the
 
 338 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 cultivated man, he would see that the latter 
 enjoyed far more freedom than himself, and a 
 thousand privileges from which he is debarred. 
 He will see that manners are the '' open sesame " 
 to good society all over the world. He will find 
 that Bardwell Slote, with all his original clever- 
 ness (that enormous cleverness, which has raised 
 him from a boat hand on a Western river to the 
 proud position of a Senator or a foreign Minis- 
 ter), will not stand him in stead in the require- 
 ments of his new position. 
 
 He must learn how to dress himself properly, 
 how to behave at a dinner table, how to speak 
 elegantly to ladies— he must, in short, learn 
 etiquette. 
 
 Now, the duty of an educated and traveled 
 American is, to try to disseminate this knowl- 
 edge, and the duty of an uneducated American 
 is, to condescend to learn it. 
 
 The etiquette of a court may be fugitive and 
 vague. We have none of those tiresome cere- 
 monials of which we read in the autobiography 
 of Madame d'Arblay or of Cornelia Knight. 
 But the etiquette of good society is universal, and 
 founded on sound principles. It can be learned
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANSTERS. 33Q 
 
 by a little study, and it is always useful, although 
 it is a shifting and changeful thing. The duty of 
 an American to society is to raise its tone. He 
 should, far from allowing his family to sink into 
 carelessness of forms and of ceremonies, try to 
 keep them up to the standard of the highest ele- 
 gance. If his means are small, still let his table- 
 cloth be clean, and his service as neat as his purse 
 can buy. Let there be finger-bowls, for they are 
 cleanly ; let every child be taught to eat with his 
 fork, and let every one agree that at table each 
 one shall be neat, orderly, agreeable and patient. 
 
 A dinner of herbs, with such manners, such 
 attention to the realities of etiquette, will fit a boy 
 or girl to afterward play his or her part well in 
 any society. 
 
 To "eat an egg out of the shell " was once a 
 fop's definition of good breeding ; to break it 
 into a cup was his definition of vulgarity. Our 
 ancestors were very particular about these bits 
 of table manners. Now they are of no conse- 
 quence, so that a person with easy address 
 handles his egg as if he knew what to do with 
 it, and were not afraid of it. 
 
 But it is not many years since a prominent
 
 340 THE AJVIERICAK CODE OF MilNNERS. 
 
 American drank the water out of his finger-bowl 
 at an English dinner and called it "rather weak 
 lemonade," It is not long since a gentleman de- 
 clared in England "that he never got on his 
 white cravat at the right time." These are 
 solecisms which could be mended. 
 
 Women are gifted with so much tact and so 
 imitative a faculty that they need fewer hints 
 than men. Yet they must learn when to wear 
 their diamonds and when to leave them at home ; 
 when to wear their finery and when to be plainly 
 dressed. 
 
 On the steamboat, on the car, on the stage- 
 coach, surely camel's-hair and diamonds are out 
 of place ; yet one very representative political 
 lady defended her fine clothes by saying she 
 " always wore them traveling, to show them." 
 
 That is, perhaps, one of our national sins — a 
 love of show : a disdain of privacy, a very 
 great ignoring of the proprieties of time and 
 place. 
 
 In the leaving of cards, the first visit, the invi- 
 tation to dinner, the return of civilities, there 
 should be these general rules laid down : First, 
 ask what is due to others ; then, what is due
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 341 
 
 to oneself. There is always a social conscience 
 somewhere in one's organization which will 
 point aright. 
 
 We have endeavored in these papers to lay 
 down certain rules ; we have tried to teach the 
 neophyte some things which he may not have 
 known before, about the duty which every Amer- 
 ican owes to society. 
 
 But the outward performance of these conven- 
 tional rules can never be thoroughly learned, un- 
 less the heart be well-bred. A man must love his 
 neighbor, he must refine himself, he must be 
 gentle, and honest, and fair, before he can be- 
 come a gentleman. 
 
 And as for that fine old word, lady ; is a woman 
 worthy to bear it, however elegant and fashion- 
 able she may be, if beneath her well-defined 
 bodice there beats the heart of a foolish and 
 vicious coquette ? 
 
 Are those women ladies, who have disgraced the 
 American name in Paris by their pursuit of a 
 coronet, no matter at what price ? 
 
 Are those young wives who go to Europe, for- 
 getting^every possible duty to their husbands and 
 their homes, and who become the laughing stock
 
 342 THE AMERICAK CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 of Europe for vanity and extravagance— are they 
 doing their duty to society ? 
 
 A quaint, old-fashioned and somewhat stilted 
 politeness may be laughable now, and recall the 
 days of Old Grimes, who is dead, but it is very 
 pretty, and sometimes it appears in the person of 
 a " girl of the peiiod," who has learned it from a 
 graceful grandmother. It is attractive in a young 
 man, and sometimes, though rarely, crops out in 
 the manner of a young English nobleman. The 
 young Italian nobility have it to perfection ; so 
 have the Austrians, who are the best-bred people 
 in all Europe. 
 
 If our young Americans could find the juste 
 milieu ! And why can they not ? 
 
 Americans can do everything — why not this v 
 Why should we not have a Code of Manners equal 
 to those of the best days— let us say, of the court 
 of Marie de Medicis ? To have the " manners but 
 not the morals of Chesterfield" was the old fash- 
 ioned definition of a gentleman. 
 
 Why should not an American gentleman, while 
 carefully learning the code of every European 
 court, infuse into his corri^ctness a certain fresh 
 originality, a vivacity and wit which the old
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 343 
 
 civilizations have lost, and with it the original 
 flavor of a native-born aristocracy ? And why 
 should not an American woman he low-voiced, 
 thoroughbred, quiet, polite, and well-dressed, 
 in addition to being very original and very 
 beautiful ? 
 
 Why should she ever degenerate into fastness, 
 vulgarity, slang and mannish manners ? 
 
 Does she not feel that she owes a great duty to 
 her native land ? It has made her the most 
 fortunate, independent creature in the world. 
 She is not like the sister of a duke, obliged to 
 give up the man of her choice, because he is not 
 well-born enough, and to linger out her life a 
 forlorn dependent upon the grudging charity of 
 an elder brother. She is not obliged to go into a 
 convent, if she fails to marry, as is a poor French 
 girl but too often. 
 
 No ; an American girl can do very much as she 
 pleases. She can become the most pampered of 
 wives, or the most independent of spinsters. 
 She can be author, artist, teacher, doctor or 
 lawyer, if she think fit ; she is respected and 
 received into the best society. 
 
 Indeed, American society is very toler -nt of
 
 344 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 eccentricity in women, and rather likes an original 
 departure from the heaten track. 
 
 But it makes a great mistake when it forgives 
 horsey girls, and women who dress like men, or 
 who at the sea-side go in bathing in indecent 
 garb, or who come out to sit in the sand with a 
 dozen men about, to secretly condemn them, 
 while they pretend to admire. 
 
 Foreigners say that modesty is not a peculiarity 
 of American women. While they can say that, 
 there is some fearful lack in the American Code 
 of Manners. 
 
 It is always noticed that the belle of the sea- 
 side, although she enjoys the gratification of her 
 vanity, is not certain of respect, or so sought in 
 marriage as the quiet and retiring girl, who does 
 not " suffer herself to be admired " in public. 
 
 The American owes this duty to society : that 
 he should aim at correcting all public exhibitions 
 of bad manners, such as these to which we have 
 referred ; for, although they may be the outcrop- 
 ping of ignorance and of innocence, they do 
 cause our national name to suffer. The mere 
 appearances of evil should be avoided. 
 
 To those who would say, that we are a great
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 345 
 
 continent by ourselves, and that we should study 
 to be always original, rather than to sometimes 
 copy, we can only say that, while we derive our 
 Shakespeare, our Milton, andourF^n^lon, Moli^re, 
 Racine and Goethe from the Old World, we need 
 not be ashamed to study those manners which 
 were the growth of thousands of years of civili- 
 zation and of culture. We can cull the best from 
 all. 
 
 The New World is the offshoot of the Old 
 World. It has every chance to become a perfect 
 tree. But no tree ever grew to perfection in the 
 park, without some training. If we like the wild 
 luxuriance of the forest, still, when we bring the 
 elm to our plantations, we must prune its luxm'i- 
 ance. 
 
 In society, in the crowd, we need les con- 
 venances. They help us to keep our natures in 
 check ; they make the world a fit place to live in. 
 When we are exposed to the brutality of ill- 
 mannered people, we learn how dangerous a place 
 would the world be if there were no etiquette. 
 
 The best book upon etiquette is that book which 
 says, '' Do unto others as you would that others 
 should do unto you."
 
 346 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Could we always stop to consider this question, 
 we should need no higher guide ; but, as a second 
 and lesser manual of good breeding, we must sub- 
 stitute the manners of polite society, which, 
 with their restraining influence, give us time to 
 think.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 347 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 THE USE OF CERTAIN WORDS. 
 
 rT would seem at first as if all good words in 
 our old English speech, if well chosen, ought 
 to be fashionable. But such is not the case. 
 Genteel, for instance, although coming from 
 the beautiful word, gentle, is a tabooed word. 
 ''A genteel thing, ^' is a feeble and almost vulgar 
 expression, nowadays. We no longer use the 
 old-fashioned combination, " beautiful lady," 
 " Mr. Brown and his lady," " she is a handsome 
 lady," etc. 
 
 There can be no reason why "lady" is not a 
 good word. ''Lady-like" is a very appropriate 
 combination. But the use of the combination 
 mentioned above is almost obsolete. We are 
 fond of the Saxon word " woman," now, and it 
 has almost put the word "lady" out of the 
 market. 
 
 " She is a perfect lady," however, is allow- 
 able. No one objects to so delicate a compli- 
 ment as that.
 
 .-548 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Use, however, the word woman wherever you 
 
 can. "She is a fine woman,'" or a beautiful 
 
 woman, or a good woman, or a clever woman, 
 
 but do not say, she is a "sweet lady," or a 
 
 ' clever lady," if you can help it. 
 
 Do not use the word " talented." The purists 
 say there is no such word. Use rather the word 
 clever. It expresses all that "talented" use to 
 mean to us, and is more elegant and more edu- 
 cated. 
 
 Do not be profuse in epithets of an ill-judged 
 approbation. Do not say " that is a sweet thing." 
 Sweet is a phra.se meant to express an emotion 
 of the tongue and palate. 
 
 Still less say of an>i;hing which you enjoy at 
 table, "I love it." "I love melons," "I love 
 peaches," "I adore grapes"— these are school- 
 girl utterances. We love our friends. Love 
 is an emotion of the heart, but not one of the 
 palate. 
 
 We like, we appreciate grapes, but we do not 
 love them. 
 
 All the senses have their appropriate language. 
 None of them can be equally expressed by the 
 same words. We must seek propriety of epithet
 
 THE AMBBICAK CODE OF MANNERS. 349 
 
 as much in describing these emotions as in ad- 
 dressing our friends. 
 
 There are minor elegancies, too, to be observed 
 in the words " take " and " eat." We do not say 
 now, " I take tea with Mrs. Smith to-night," but 
 *'I drink tea." We do not say, "I eat supper 
 with Mrs. Campbell this evening," but "I take 
 supper." 
 
 Beau Brummel rebuked a lady for saying " take 
 tea," by saying, "Madame, a vulgar man can 
 take liberties, but one drinks tea." 
 
 The English, who are very particular about 
 these minor rules, are very coarse in some of 
 their fashions. An American girl, who was visit- 
 ing in England, declared that English matrons 
 and maidens speak of men, playfully, as " horrid, 
 nasty, greedy things," and that people address 
 each other as "you stupid old darling," and 
 girl friends call each other "you nasty little 
 pet." 
 
 This use of the word " nasty," as expressing 
 Mendly ideas, is a new one, and cannot be suffi- 
 ciently reprobated. When our English friends 
 ■speak of a "nasty day," they quite describe a 
 muddy and rainy one ; but when they pervert the
 
 350 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 disagreeable word to a meaning which it cannot 
 have, they outrage decency. 
 
 An English gentleman overheard an American 
 mamma ask her little daughter this question : 
 '^ Do you feel like a beefsteak ?" 
 
 He thought it a great blunder. He said " You 
 could feel miserably ; you could feel like a fool I 
 but you could not feel like a beefsteak." 
 
 The mamma was only questioning the child's 
 dehcate appetite. She might have said, "Could 
 you eat a beefsteak?" which would have been 
 much more proper. 
 
 We Americans are careless as to language. 
 We do not study our phrases as we ought. These 
 common friends of ours, "that" and "which," 
 get misplaced. We are not sufficiently acquainted 
 with our pronouns. 
 
 To say "you was there " was once proper— we 
 find it in the old writers ; now it betokens an 
 excess of ignorance, " you were there " being the 
 recognized form. But some persons ignorantly 
 :<a.Y, " I were there," which is ten times worse, as 
 " you," being a plural pronoun, excuses the gram- 
 matical irregularity. 
 
 "I would have went" is another occasional
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 351 
 
 mistake of people who have not learned their 
 verbs, instead of " I would have gone." 
 
 These mistakes can only be corrected by study 
 and reading. They are not half so bad as those 
 adoptions of slang which the educated make ad- 
 \isedly, soberly, ai^.l in no fear of Lindley Mur- 
 ray. Writers are always at work at the English 
 language, and many say that it is at present the 
 most irregular and least understood of all lan- 
 guages. But, by a constant study of good models, 
 and with good taste, any one may learn it. Do not 
 speak slovenly English. Clear up your sentences. 
 Do not drop the "g" at the ends of words like 
 " sitting, lying, talking and moving." That is a 
 very common fault in New England. Rather 
 teach yourself to speak your words "trippingly 
 on the tongue." 
 
 It is an outlook in the right direction, that now 
 youngladies are taught declamation in Paris and 
 at our best schools. It v/ill correct our incorrigible 
 national fault of drawling. For some reason, the 
 American diaphragm is not so strong as the Eng- 
 lish one, and we need to cultivate our enunciation. 
 They have to speak clear and loud to be heard 
 through their own fogs. We trust too much to
 
 352 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAJvNERS. 
 
 our pellucid air to carry along our fatigued, nasal, 
 drawling and careless talk. 
 
 Mr. R. G. White says that you should say, 
 "she looks beautiful," instead of "she looks 
 beautifully." He is a great authority, but some 
 differ from him and say, " she looks beautifully." 
 The last has the sanction of custom. 
 
 Do not be profuse of epithets in making an 
 apology. A few simple words, such as "I am 
 very sorry," or " I regret exceedingly to have in- 
 truded upon you," are far more appropriate than 
 the " Oh ! dear, I am awfully sorry," or any other 
 excessive and overloaded phrases. " Oh ! have I 
 trodden on your little dog's foot ? Well, then, I 
 am just ready to die. I am so horribly grieved," 
 said one young lady to another. 
 
 What could she have said more, if she had 
 killed her sister V 
 
 Always understate rather than overstate your 
 emotions. The profoundest contempt can be con- 
 veyed by a negative, as the man who says of a 
 plain woman, "I have seen prettier women," 
 conveys more meaning than he who says, "She 
 is a horrid, homely, hateful thing !" He who 
 .^ays, "That young woman is not too refined,"
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE O: MAJN>rERS. 358 
 
 paints her vulgarity upon our retina as she lives. 
 A woman who says of a man, " He is not over- 
 burdened with politeness," gives him a bad 
 character with each well-chosen word, and yet 
 she has not sullied her lips with a single abusive 
 epithet. " I would rather not meet him after 
 dinner" is quite enough to indicate that a 
 gentleman is not always prudent with his 
 wine. 
 
 And the word -'gentleman," although one of 
 the best in the language, should not be used too 
 much. Do not say, he is a '• very fine gentle- 
 man," or, he is a "handsome gentleman." 
 Sometimes one can say, " he is a charming gentle- 
 man," of some very markedly agreeable and 
 cultivated person. But say, '* he is a good-look- 
 ing man," "an honest man," "a strongman," 
 " a graceful man," " an agreeable man," if you 
 happen to find such a one. We no longer say, 
 •' Honored Sir," or " Respected Madam," as we 
 begin a letter. Perhaps it would be better if we 
 did. We say simply, " My Dear Sir," or, " My 
 Dear Mrs. Brown," or, to a person in some 
 humble capacity, as a nurse or servant, " Mrs. 
 Brown." Be careful not to mix the first person
 
 354 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 with the third in addressing a note. Begin it as 
 you intend to finish it. 
 
 The word "vulgar" was formerly thought to 
 mean indecent, now it simply means bad manners. 
 To be vulgar is to be inadmissible to society. 
 Vulgar people are low, mean, coarse, plebeian, no 
 matter where the ever-turning wheel of fortune has 
 placed them, A vulgar man may sit on a throne : a 
 vulgar woman may, by mistake, find herself in 
 the most fashionable salon. Use the word " vul- 
 var" freely, to express your contempt of rudeness, 
 of coarseness, of the loud, the pretentious and 
 the intrusive. It is a good word, and means a 
 great deal. As a synonym for all that is to be 
 avoided, it is a very comprehensive word. 
 
 And, as good manners should not be put on for 
 state occasions, but should be the natural gar- 
 ment of every day, so should easy and elegant 
 and cultivated language drop from the lir>s, in- 
 stinctively. Of course, all people are not equally 
 gifted in this respect. One child speaks cor- 
 rectly at two years old : another will not speak 
 well until he is five, and, perhaps, will never be 
 fluent ; but each can avoid impropriety and 
 coarseness, and can avoid, in his con versa-
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANKERS. 355 
 
 tion, words which have lost their place in 
 society. 
 
 A fashion has come in in regard to the good 
 old phrase, " Thank you," which is now abbre- 
 viated to "Thanks." This is fashionable just 
 now, but it cannot be called cordial or gram- 
 matical. It is as if you did your politeness up in 
 a ball and threw it at the head of your friend. 
 No one is hurt by a cordial " Thank you." 
 
 The word " Good-by" is the best abbreviation 
 in our language, nor can it be replaced by any 
 other. We say "Farewell," "Adieu," "Au 
 revoir," not often. All have a stilted sound ex- 
 cept the last. Never say "Good afternoon." 
 Say "Good evening" or "Good morning," if 
 you choose, but, still better, say "Good-by." 
 
 Old and middle-aged people say that there is 
 now a decay in the art of conversation — that to 
 talk well is one of the lost arts. No doubt this is, 
 in a measm*e, true all over the world. It is no 
 longer the fashion to tell anecdotes to be amus- 
 ing ; a person is considered a prig who " sets up " 
 to amuse the company. All this is very bad, but 
 it cannot be helped. It is a part of the transition 
 of our society from the Revolutionary petiod
 
 356 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 when intellect and culture ruled, to the present, 
 when money and material prosperity are our 
 gods. 
 
 But while puns should be avoided, and long 
 arguments should be avoided, and the delicatf 
 subjects of religion and politics should be avoided 
 in mixed society, people still must talk. To chat 
 agreeably of the current events, to describe a 
 novel or a play, to tell a short story of some 
 recent experience at a watering-place, or to talk, 
 if one pleases, of poetry, of love, or friendship, or 
 music. This is all an everyday matter, within 
 the comprehension of every one, and, with a little 
 reading and good taste, possible to all.
 
 *HS AMERICAN CODJt OF MANNlBRtt. '^Bt 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 DINNEKS AND HREAKFASTS ONCE MORE CON- 
 SIDERED. 
 
 DINNER invitations should only be accepted 
 from those whose acquaintance you wish 
 to cultivate and keep. Some vulgar and ill- 
 bred people have been known to accept a din- 
 ner invitation, and to. cut or ignore the kind 
 entertainers afterward. It is the height of mean- 
 ness, the height of vulgarity, so to do. Be 
 careful to be punctual at the dinner hour, to enter 
 quietly, without formality ; and, if your hostess 
 does not introduce, enter into conversation with 
 the person next to you. In England no one is 
 introduced, but everybody talks to his neighbor. 
 
 Fifteen minutes f.-; the time allowed to wait for 
 a tardy guest. More than that should not be 
 given to the most distinguished person. 
 
 The host can give his right or his left arm, as 
 he pleases, to the lady whom he escorts, but the 
 other guests should notice which arm he offers, 
 and follow his example.
 
 358 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 The host and hostess can sit at either end of 
 their table, or in the middle, or mix themselves up 
 with their guest«, as they please. A round table, 
 now so much the fashion, obliterates any neces- 
 sity for a "head and foot;" but the principal 
 guest must sit at the lady's right hand, and the 
 principal lady guest at the gentleman's right 
 hand, always. 
 
 If introditcing is the custom of the house, 
 it is polite to request your hostess to intro 
 duce you to the person to whom the dinner is 
 given. 
 
 As soon as seated, place your napkin across 
 your lap, and remove your gloves. Men do not 
 weap gloves now, so that they have not the 
 trouble. Lay your roll at your right hand, and, if 
 oysters or clams are before you, proceed to eat 
 them at once. 
 
 Now, it seems unnecessary to remind one that 
 a gentleman does not crumble his bread about, 
 or roll it into pills ; that he does not take his 
 soup with a hissing sound ; that he does not tip 
 his plate, to get the last drop of soup ; and yet we 
 see these defects in table manners, often. Vege- 
 tables are to be eaten with a fork. Nothing is so
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 359 
 
 vulgar as to see peas served in a saucer and 
 eaten with a spoon. 
 
 Asparagus, on the contrary, can be eaten with 
 your fingers. The stalk is clean, and to take it 
 in the fingers, and to dip the end in the melted 
 butter or sauce which accompanies the vege- 
 table, and which should be placed on one side of 
 the plate, is entirely proper. 
 
 Olives and artichokes are eaten with the 
 fingers ; so are radishes and green corn. It is 
 an American fashion, and a perfectly proper one, 
 to eat corn from the ear at the dinner table. 
 
 The reason for this is clear. It is the only way 
 in which the incomparable fiavor of the corn can 
 be obtained. 
 
 Fish is eaten with a silver fork and a bit of 
 bread. Fruit is cut with a silver knife, but eaten 
 with the fingers. 
 
 While anything like haste in eating is to be 
 deprecated, still it is no longer the fashion to wait 
 for others, as in the olden time. Everybody eats 
 his dinner as it is set before him. It is, however, 
 the height of good-breeding for the hostess to 
 seem to be eating so long as one guest is still on- 
 cupied with his plate.
 
 360 THE A>rERICA>' CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Cheese is to be eaten with fork or fingers, as the 
 person chooses. Ladies in America have a strong 
 objection to cheese, as a general thing, and refuse 
 it. But in England a lady often takes a large 
 piece, and eats it clear. There is no reason why 
 a lady should not eat cheese if she likes it. 
 
 Do not allow the servant to pour wine for you, 
 if you do not intend to drink it. It is a fertile 
 source of drunkenness among servants, who al- 
 ways empty the glasses after dinner. 
 
 Toasts and the drinking of healths are now, 
 luckily, out of date. Still, if an old-fashioned 
 gentleman wishes to drink your health, do not 
 refuse ; bow slightly and smile, and raise the glass 
 to your lips. 
 
 Finger-glasses, with a bit of orange leaf or 
 lemon peel, or peppermint water dashed through, 
 are now almost universal, and very great luxuries. 
 After using one, wipe your fingers on your dinner 
 napkin, not on your doyley, which is meant for 
 the fruit. Some very luxurious persons pass a 
 gold dish, with rose-water in it, after dinner. 
 T^is should be used by dipping the end of the 
 napkin in it. It is a refreshing bath for the lips, 
 and removes the greasy smell or taste of food.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 361 
 
 The mouth should always be wiped with a wet 
 forefinger or napkin after eating. 
 
 Now, we Americans are accused of using ice 
 too much, although our climate demands it. 
 Everywhere, however, sherry is admitted to be 
 better, if cooled in an ice-cooler. Sherry is served 
 with soup, and sauterne or hock with fish. 
 Americans generally prefer champagne served 
 after fish, with all the courses ; but red wine 
 should be provided for those who like it. Red 
 wine should never be iced. Burgundy and claret 
 should be of the temperature of the room. 
 Champagne should be frozen or " frappe " from 
 the outside before dinner, as putting lumps of ice 
 in the glass ruins it for the gourmet. It destroys 
 the flavor of good wine to put in lumps of ice. 
 
 The glasses are removed by the waiter, when 
 the crumb-scraper goes round, and madeira and 
 sherry glasses set for the dessert. 
 
 Port, when passed with the cheese, is left on 
 the table with the sherry and madeira, and 
 each guest helps himself after the servants have 
 helped once all round. This is the moment for 
 story-telling, for the best talk, for the " give anfi 
 take " of conversation.
 
 362 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Remember always, in giving a dinner, that 
 some of the most agreeable are those which are 
 the least expensive. 
 
 It is quite indispensable that a gentleman 
 should always be in a dress coat and white 
 cravat, black suit throughout, for a seven o'clock 
 dinner. 
 
 After dinner it is now the custom to serve 
 coffee and tea in the drawing-room, as long 
 sitting at table fatigues everybody. 
 
 If you commit any errors at the dinner table, 
 such as tipping over a glass of red wine, breaking 
 a dish, dropping a knife or a fork, or, worse still, 
 upsetting a dish into your lap, try to be com- 
 posed. Motion to a servant to bring you a 
 napkin, but do not take too much notice of your 
 own blunder. Be absolutely deaf and blind to 
 the blunders of others. The dinner table is the 
 most ceremonious place in the world, and, at 
 dinner, etiquette reigns supreme. 
 
 But etiquette does not mean stiffness. There 
 must be an ease, a cordiality, and a grace and 
 good breeding, which makes all the machinery 
 work easily. 
 
 Now, breakfasts are very different meals.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 303 
 
 here it is proper for gentlemen to jump up, cut 
 d, piece of ham at the side-board, and wait upon 
 the ladies themsel^jps, dismissing the servants, so 
 that conversation may be free. Gentlemen come 
 in lawn tennis or hunting suits ; ladies in morn- 
 ing dresses. 
 
 When the breakfast becomes dejeuner d la four- 
 chette, or a luncheon, at 12 or 1 o'clock, the eti- 
 quette becomes a little more marked, of course. 
 Bouillon is served in cups and saucers, and dishes 
 like sweetbreads, rissoles, cutlets, fried potatoes, 
 game, pate defoie gras, fruit and coffee, complete 
 this mid-day dinner. It is a favorite form of en- 
 tertaining at Newport, and is much liked by gen- 
 tlemen, as it saves them the f/ene of evening 
 dress. 
 
 Breakfasts are rapidly becoming the fashion, 
 too, in New York and Washington, as people get 
 more and more in the habit of taking a cup of 
 tea in their bedrooms, working until twelve, and 
 then emerging for the day. 
 
 On Sunday, as most families give their servants 
 the afternoon, and have an early dinner and tea, 
 the gentlemen are permitted to wear frock-coats 
 in the evening, and to regard the day as an
 
 364 THE AMJSRtCAN CODE OF MANNEltS. 
 
 '' off " one, unless they are invited to some granu 
 dinner, when they must, of course, dress. 
 
 Breakfasts in England are^ considered very de- 
 lightful, because of their utter informality and the 
 absence of ceremony. Wedding breakfasts are an 
 exception to this general informality, for they are 
 ceremonious. Wines are served with salads, 
 salmon, game, tongues, hams, potted meats, jellies, 
 ices and fruit. It is, indeed, but the usual table 
 which forms the supper at a ball. Here people 
 gather around and are requested to help them- 
 selves, or allow the waiters to attend to them. 
 Tea and coffee are not served at a wedding break- 
 fast. 
 
 The family breakfast table should be made very 
 attractive. Flowers should be placed everywhere, 
 in summer. The napkins, silver and glass and 
 china should be spotless ; the butter should be 
 golden, the honey fragrant and fine, and the fresh 
 rolls delicious, the coffee clear and the tea strong. 
 Fruit should be served when in season ; berries 
 and cream, peaches and cream, and all the hot 
 cakes. Broiled chicken, fried eggs, beefsteaks, 
 \7hich our omnivorous people demand should be 
 ad for the a.sking. Finger-bowls should be
 
 THE AMStllOAN CODE OF MANfTBRS. '6% 
 
 within reach, and the favorite beverage, ice-water, 
 should be particularly attended to. In our very 
 prolific fruit seasons, to begin with a melon 
 and to end with a peach is a good "Alpha and 
 Omega." 
 
 Sidney Smith liked breakfast parties because, 
 he said, " no one was conceited before one 
 o'clock !" 
 
 Morning dress should be faultlessly clean and 
 neat, but simple, and utterly ungai'nished with 
 jewels. Young girls in white, and with hat and 
 feather, are always pretty. Elderly ladies can 
 wear quiet silks, or the admirable cashmere, or 
 even white muslin, if made becomingly. 
 
 But, at breakfast, rich and rustling silks, dia- 
 mond rings and ear-rings are in the worst taste. 
 Artificial flowers are detestable. Elaborate coif- 
 fures are out of place at breakfast. At home a 
 peignoir, or loose robe, is proper at breakfast, but 
 not at a watering-place. 
 
 Thick boots, Balmoral stockings, gants de Suede 
 and short dresses are proper for a breakfast 
 party. 
 
 Perfumes should never be used in the early 
 morning. Cologne water alone is allowable on
 
 366 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 the handkerchief, and the indefinable odor of 
 cleanliness. 
 
 Worsted or cotton gloves are never permissible, 
 except on the hands of a servant. Silk gloves 
 are now fashionable ana very refined, particu- 
 larly with long arms to them. Men, as we have 
 said, are always ungloved, save in riding or driv- 
 ing. Colored shirts and flannel shirts are worn 
 in the morning, often until the dinner hour, in 
 summer, and it is proper to go to an informal 
 breakfast in the informal dress of the tennis 
 ground. 
 
 But for a formal luncheon a man must 
 dress himself in black frock-coat, colored neck- 
 tie, and gray or drab trowsers, and with, of 
 course, a white shirt. A kettledrum, a wedding, 
 a day reception, all call for this same costume. 
 Garden parties, too, demand the same dress. 
 
 Men now wear, for riding in the Park, this 
 same costume, also corduroy, boots, felt hat and 
 cut-away coat; for lawn tennis, flannel shirts, 
 rough coats, knickerbockers, long gray woolen 
 stockings and string shoes. 
 
 No man should ever put on a dress-coat by 
 daylight in this country. It is the fashion in
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 367 
 
 Paris to wear them at morning weddings and on 
 New Year's Day and visits of ceremony ; but here, 
 never. 
 
 Showy shirt-fronts, jeweled studs, perfumes, 
 rose-colored vests, too much of any sort of omar 
 ment — these mark the cad ; as simplicity, neat- 
 ness and fitness mark the gentleman. Avoid 
 brilliant cravats and shiny hats and flashy waist- 
 coats, as much as you would avoid indifference 
 or inattention to propriety. The juste milieu is 
 the thing. 
 
 If the dinner and breakfast and lunch are un- 
 derstood, there seems to be but two or three 
 little things left for us to consider further.
 
 3b8 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 TEAS, HIGH TEAS AND CALLS. 
 
 AFTER an invitation to a formal breakfast 
 or luncheon, a call is quite as much df 
 rigxmir as after a dinner, but is not required 
 after a "tea at five o'clock." 
 
 That is a form of entertainment which means 
 to dispense with formal etiquette and to save 
 time. A lady or gentleman who chooses to ac- 
 cept the invitation thus tendered has made his 
 call ; he need not make another. Nor need a 
 lady do more than leave her card on the day of 
 the tea ; her duties are then over for the season, 
 unless a dinner invitation follows. Dinner in- 
 vitations demand a speedy call. 
 
 But life would be a sorry burden did every five 
 o'clock tea involve a call afterward, as well as 
 the original visit. 
 
 Five o'clock teas should be marked by the 
 absence of any other refreshment than tea, thin 
 sandwiches and cake. If even chocolate and 
 punch are added, there is no longer an excuse for
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA>'NERS. 36 J 
 
 calling it a " five o'clock tea." It has become a 
 reception. 
 
 The original five o'clock tea arose in England, 
 from the fact that gentlemen and ladies, before 
 they dressed for dinner, met to take the slight 
 refreshment of a cup of tea, and to perhaps in- 
 dulge in a little chat. Like everything informal, 
 it became very popular, and came over to Amer- 
 ica as an English fashion of entertaining. The 
 tea-kettle here, however, became a floral deco- 
 ration, and the five o'clock tea a party. 
 
 This has confused people as to the etiquette of 
 leaving a card afterward. But we assure the 
 doubtful, that neither is the invited guest required 
 to call again, nor is the lady of the house required 
 to call on those who come to her five o'clock tea. 
 Her card inviting them has entirely served the 
 purpose. 
 
 There are entertainments, known as ''high 
 teas," which do necessitate a call. These are 
 usually given on Sunday evenings in cities ; but 
 at watering-places, or at country places, or in 
 small rural cities, they take the place of dinners. 
 They are very pretty entertainments, and great 
 favorites in Philadelphia. It is an opportunity
 
 370 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 for the hostess to show her beautiful cut-glass, 
 to get out her preserves, to offer her hot rolls, 
 scalloped oysters and delicate fried chicken. 
 Berries and cream, and all sorts of delicate 
 dishes, appear at the high tea, which would be 
 lost at dinner. The hostess sits behind her silver 
 salver and pours the coffee, tea or chocolate her- 
 self. It is only fair to say, that this meal is a 
 greater favorite with ladies than with gentlemen, 
 the partridges, mushrooms on toast, pdU de foie 
 gras, and delicately-sliced cold ham, belonging, in 
 the masculine mind, either to breakfast or lunch, 
 and needing wine to wash them down. But 
 young ladies who drink no wine are devoted to 
 high teas. The invitations are always written as 
 to a dinner, as only a limited number can be 
 asked. 
 
 In the country these high teas are delightful. 
 and, coming after a long drive or a picnic, with 
 the solid accompaniments of a beefsteak and a 
 baked potato, are very popular. Waflfles and hot 
 cakes, honey and maple molasses, all the Ameri- 
 can dishes, arc popular at this meal, which has 
 no prototyi)e in England or on the Continent. 
 
 It is doubtful whether the high tea will ever
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 371 
 
 be popular in New York, where it conflicts with 
 the custom of seven o'clock dinners. People find 
 them antagonistic to digestion — it is a violent 
 change of living. Tea and coffee taken in the 
 evening keep many people awake, a single little 
 cup of black coffee, which helps digestion, being 
 the only stimulant that most Americans can en- 
 dure of the ''beverages which we infuse." 
 
 Some ladies, who give three receptions, choose 
 to have a " buffet " entertainment. Frozen cof- 
 fee (a delicious refreshment), cold birds, meat 
 pies, salads, salmon, various kinds of punch, 
 biscuits, and, perhaps, jellies, ices and Charlottes 
 standing where the guest can go and help him- 
 self. One or two servants can serve such a table , 
 it is less trouble than the hot oyster style of 
 thing, and even the serving of tea is more oner- 
 ous. It has the advantage, too, of being scent- 
 less ; while hot oysters, served in the house, in- 
 variably fill the house with odor. Perhaps as 
 elegant a table as is needed is one where iced 
 tea and coffee, cold game and salad, and punch, 
 with pate de foie sandwiches, stand invitingly 
 ready through the three hours' reception. 
 
 On very cold days, hot tea and bouillon are, how-
 
 372 THE AltfERICAN CODE OF MANORS. 
 
 ever, eagerly sought for by the shivering ladies 
 who go from house to house. 
 
 No formal calls are made in America on Sun- 
 day. A gentleman must have a lady's permission 
 to call on that day. In Europe it is very differ- 
 ent. The opera is never so fashionable as on 
 Sunday evening ; dinners are always given, and 
 Sunday is especially a fete day. But in America, 
 all dinners and teas are informal on that day, 
 and generally confined to the members of one's 
 family. 
 
 Now, all books of etiquette have a chapter on 
 " Cards" and card leaving, but no two of them 
 agree. Young men— who, in America, are ex- 
 tremely remiss in social duties — are told in one, 
 that, if they send their cards by post, they have 
 requited the hospitality of the lady who invites 
 them. This is far from being the opinion of the 
 best ladies in society. If a lady has time to invite 
 a gentleman to dinner, and he comes, he should 
 certainly find time, either to call, in person, on 
 her reception day, or on some evening. It is not 
 enough that he should send a card by post. The 
 only person who is excused for sending a card by 
 post is he who Is suddenly called on to leave
 
 THE AMEKICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 37S 
 
 town, or some one who is, by the death of a rela- 
 tive, thrown into mourning. 
 
 A modern writer on etiquette has the following 
 rather plain talk : 
 
 " The properly-trained youth does not annoy 
 those next to whom he sits by fidgeting in his 
 chair, moving his feet, playing with his bread or 
 with the table equipage. Neither does he chew 
 his food with his mouth open, or talk with it in 
 his mouth. His food is not conveyed in too large 
 or in too small quantities to his mouth. He 
 neither holds his head as erect as a ramrod, nor 
 does he bury his face in his plate. He handles 
 his knife and fork properly, and not ' overhand ' 
 as a clown would. He removes them from the 
 plate as soon as it is placed before him, and he 
 crosses them, side by side, when he has finished " 
 (Here we differ. The modern youth lets his knife 
 and fork alone, except when he is conveying food 
 to his mouth with them, or should do so), ''and 
 not before, as this is a sign which a well-drilled 
 butler obser\'-es for returning the plate (?). He 
 does not leave his coffee or tea spoon in the cup. 
 He avoids using his handkerchief unnecessarily, 
 or disgusting those near him by trumpet-like per-
 
 3T4 THE AMERICAN COBE OF MANNERS. 
 
 formances with it. He does not converse in a 
 loud tone, nor indulge in uproarious laughter. 
 If he breaks an article, he is not profuse in 
 apologies, but shows his regret in his face and his 
 manner rather than in words. Tittlebat Titmouse, 
 when he broke a glass dish, assured his hostess 
 that he would replace it with the best in Lon- 
 don !" 
 
 This is good, strong writing, and undoubtedly 
 would have been useful to the Roger Chaw- 
 bacons of the fifteenth century. But we can 
 hardly suppose that many young men would, in 
 the present day, need these very practical hints. 
 The age is beyond them. 
 
 The great want of all our young people is that 
 fipiHt of respect which is the foundation of all 
 breeding, and without which no formulas of good 
 manners are worth much. 
 
 When a young man sits, and allows a lady to 
 stand, when he indulges in loud, brutal laughter 
 after she has spoken to him : when he refuses to 
 do these acts of courtesy which were the Alpha 
 and Omega of chivalry ; when he accepts atten- 
 tions from ladies in society, and makes no re- 
 sponse, he is a more unlicked cub than he who
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 375 
 
 puts his knife and fork on the table-cloth, or who 
 drinks water from his finger-bowl. The one 
 makes a mistake of ignorance, the other sins in 
 the face of knowledge and of light. 
 
 There are young men in our fashionable societj' 
 who try to make themselves of importance by 
 being rude and insolent. They have neither con- 
 science, nobility nor culture. Their reign is not 
 long. 
 
 All people should learn to reply quickly to their 
 invitations, to keep their social engagements, and 
 to avoid snobbery, slang and scandal. Young 
 ladies should learn, not only to talk well, but to 
 listen well. Interruption of the speech of others 
 is a great sin against good breeding. Never allow 
 your eye to stray abroad while talking with a 
 friend or a new acquaintance. Always speak a 
 person's name fully and frequently. Instead of 
 saying "How de do, Captain," say ''How do 
 you do. Captain Absolute." Always give a for- 
 eigner his title. Say " Yes, Mrs. Brown,^'' if you 
 are conversing with a lady older than yourself. 
 " Yes, ma'am," " Yes, sir," are now rather pro- 
 vincial and old-fashioned. 
 
 If a lady invite you to a ball, call as soon as
 
 376 THE AMERICA>' CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 practicable after accepting her invitation, and 
 never fail, when at the ball, to be presented to the 
 host ; and, if possible, ask the young lady of the 
 house to dance with you. If the lady of the 
 house has a reception day, always call on that 
 day. 
 
 Avoid all quarrels and altercations in public. 
 Two men who quarrel at a ball both insult their 
 entertainers. Young men who abuse the hospi- 
 tality of their entertainers and drink too much at 
 supper are recommended to mercy, but their 
 record is not a favorable one. " The Man in the 
 Club Window" says: ''Be careful of what you 
 do and what you say, and how you dance, aft^r 
 s^tipper." 
 
 There are a set of married women in New York 
 who are injuring society very much. They rather 
 pride themselves on taking too much champagne, 
 and, consequently, growing vulgar, noisy and 
 risqxie after supper. To them we should say : 
 
 ' ' You are undoing the effect of the civilization 
 of eighteen centuries. To you the young woman 
 is looking up ; to you the young man is com- 
 mended as to a lofty ideal. You are debasing 
 yourself and lowering the tone of society.'"
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 3VT 
 
 Such women should never be invited but once. 
 
 There is a belief on the part of young men, that 
 they should never leave a lady standing alone 
 when they have once begun to talk to her ; such 
 a rule spoils many a young man's evening, and 
 no right-minded, well-educated, delicate woman 
 desires that a man should consider her a bore or 
 a drag upon him. She should, therefore, give him 
 an opportunity to leave her. Nothing can be 
 more uncomfortable to a girl than to see that a 
 man is talking to her and secretly hoping some 
 one shall come along to relieve him. Possibly, 
 too, she may desire the society of some one else 
 as much as he does. It is well for a young lady 
 to say, in such a case, "Will you take me to a 
 seat?" or else, "Do not stand talking to me, I 
 beg of you — I do not mind standing alone ;" or, 
 with a bow and smile, gracefully turn away and 
 release a young man ; he will always like her the 
 better afterward. ■ 
 
 But pretty American girls have not much 
 trouble of this kind. Married ladies can always, 
 with graceful tact, give a young man his conge 
 and say, " Ah ! I know you want to go and dance, 
 do not let me detain you." In society it is not
 
 378 THE A>rERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 considered a rudeness to leave after a few remarks 
 have passed. There should be a constant inter- 
 change of civilities. After a gentleman has said 
 a few words to a lady, he should, if another gen- 
 tleman comes up, make a bow and leave. No 
 gentleman should ever intrude himself on a 
 marked ttte-d-Ute, and no man of honor will 
 stand and listen to a conversation in which he is 
 not included. If men could get over their dread 
 of being " cornered," they would be twice as 
 agreeable at balls as they now are. No man 
 should make himself too ofiBcious at a ball, or 
 annoy a lady by sticking too closely to her. If he 
 does, she has a right to facilitate his departure 
 by looking vaXhevdUtraite, and letting him see, by 
 her manner, that he is taking up too much of her 
 .eociety. 
 
 In inviting people to a large ball, it is always 
 safe to invite twice as many as you expect, such 
 is the percentage of those kept away by illness or 
 accident. In inviting to a reception at a small 
 house, the avoidance of a crowd being an object, 
 allow the absence of one-third ; that is, if you 
 want .seventy-five, invite a hundred, and so on. 
 
 In England a ball-room acquaintance seldom
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 3<9 
 
 goes any further, until they have met more than 
 once. In America, if the gentleman is properly 
 introduced to the young lady's mamma or 
 chaperon, it is proper for her to ask him to call, 
 if she wishes to make his further acquaintance. 
 
 Gentlemen, however, who are merely introduced 
 to a lady at a ball, for the purpose of dancing, 
 must wait for the lady to recognize them the next 
 time they meet. They are at liberty to recall 
 themselves by lifting their hats as they pass, but 
 must not go further. A young man, on a first in- 
 troduction, should not ask the lady to dance but 
 once, unless she gives him every encouragement. 
 
 Nothing can be more underbred than for the 
 young lady of the house to devote herself to her 
 own amusement at her own ball. She should, on 
 the contrary, attend to all her guests and see that 
 they have partners, if she can obtain them. Nor 
 should the young men of the house devote the 
 whole evening to one young lady. They should, 
 on the contrary, in their own house, endeavor to 
 make it agreeable to all their guests. 
 
 Invitations for a ball should be sent out from 
 ten days to two weeks in advance, and always 
 answered immediately.
 
 380 THE AMEBICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 A FEW LAST WORDS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 TT is a hard thing to finish off any book, par- 
 ticularly one which opens up, as this does, 
 new avenues of thought perpetually, as one tries 
 to tread the broad path at first marked out. 
 
 The questions which have been put by the kind 
 readers of our various chapters, as they have ap- 
 peared in The American Queen, will, however, 
 be glanced at in this chapter with the hope that 
 our response may help some one out of a difficulty. 
 
 One asks for instruction as to the letter of intro- 
 duction. 
 
 On entering a strange city — London, for in- 
 stance—with letters of introduction, a gentleman 
 takes a cab and drives to the address of the peo- 
 ple to whom he brings letters, and leaves them, 
 with his card, on which his address is fully 
 'tated. 
 
 He must then wait until he receives a card in 
 return before he makes any further advance. 
 
 In England the greatest attention is always
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 381 
 
 paid to letters of introduction. The bearer is 
 almost always invited to dinner, and receives 
 other attentions. 
 
 For this reason many gentlemen in America, 
 who are well received in England, hesitate to 
 give letters, as it is an almost certain demand 
 upon the host. 
 
 In this country people are singularly inatten- 
 tive to letters of introduction, which is a very 
 great rudeness. 
 
 However, when the letter is delivered, the person 
 who bears it has no possible redress, if the person 
 who receives it does not notice it. With many 
 ladies in New York, who have position and influ- 
 ence, the right of giving letters has been much 
 abused. Thus, a man who has but a very slight 
 acquaintance, will introduce to Mrs. Oldfleld a 
 person who wishes to get music scholars, or who 
 needs help in some way, and this person, once in 
 possession of Mrs. Oldfleld's house and valuable 
 time, will abuse both. It is this inherent wrong 
 in the introducer which has rendered the letter 
 of introduction so great a bore. 
 
 But, if a lady receive a letter from a friend 
 whom she values, she should lose no time in
 
 382 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MAX>T;RS. 
 
 sending for or calling on the introduced, a simple 
 permission to call on herself being all that is 
 necessary in return. 
 
 Many letters have asked about calls and cards, 
 which have been fully answered, one would think, 
 in the chapter devoted to that subject. How- 
 ever, a few more hints can be given. 
 
 Calling hours differ in the different cities. 
 From two to five is, however, a period in which 
 a call can be made in all. Among intimate 
 friends early morning informal calls are proper, 
 but the stranger can never presume to call before 
 two. Many ladies who are busy, and who desire 
 very much to have some time to themselves, deny 
 themselves to guests on every day but one day in 
 the week. 
 
 It is easy to ascertain the hours of a city before 
 calling, and, where early dinners are the custom, 
 the call must be made after dinner. It is a great 
 mistake that we have no national dinner hour. 
 
 Ladies in cities dress with great elegance for 
 the formal call. Dark velvets and furs, in win- 
 ter, and a dress bonnet are the ordinary adorn- 
 ments. Light silks and showy things are in the 
 worst possible taste. In summer there is always
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 383 
 
 a relaxation of ceremony. Gentlemen wear, for 
 calling, their usual morning dress — a frock coat, 
 gray trowsers, black cravat, or even those rough 
 garments which have of late been so fashionable. 
 
 The French fashion of leaving cards without 
 inquiring for the lady is proper, but it is not 
 popular in America. To ladies, whose visiting 
 circle is small, such a proceeding seems very 
 heartless ; to those whose circle is immense, and 
 whose time is occupied, it is sometimes impera- 
 tive. 
 
 It is, however, one of the uses of the book of 
 etiquette to explain that the card is a visit, and 
 can be returned, and should be received as an 
 attention. 
 
 A lady should always rise to receive her visit- 
 ors, and should extend a hand. It is the Ameri- 
 can custom, and any other style of reception 
 seems cold. A well-bred lady pays equal attention 
 to all her callers, particularly to those whom she 
 knows the least, and who might be hurt by her 
 inattention. 
 
 It is not customary to introduce the residents 
 of the same city. Strangers should be intro- 
 duced, but ladies who sit near each other can
 
 384 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 well afford to speak to each other, and to be 
 polite and agreeable to both hostess and guest. 
 
 The new customs of reception days, and five 
 o'clock teas, are meant to save labor and to make 
 all various interests harmonize. 
 
 In the fTequent event of an exchange of caUs be- 
 tween two ladies who have not met, they should 
 take an early opportunity to speak to each other. 
 The younger should seek the elder, or the one who 
 has received the first ci\Tlity should speak first. 
 Ladies who know each other by sight should bow 
 after the first exchange of cards. 
 
 Both ladies and gentlemen, in making the first 
 calls of the season, should leave one card each at 
 all the houses where they call, even if they find 
 the lady at home. This is to help the lady, who 
 makes these cards her memoranda for returning 
 her visits. Young men should particularly leave 
 cards and addresses, as a lady often wishes 
 to invite them informally, and desires their ad- 
 dress. 
 
 When an invitation to a house is received for 
 the first time, very polite and formal people call 
 and leave a card the next day, to show their appre- 
 ciation of the civility ; but this is optional. In
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OP MAJSTNEKS. ^85 
 
 sending a first invitation, the card of the head of 
 the family should always be enclosed, if to a gen- 
 tlen^an ; if it is to a family, the card of the host 
 and hostess must be enclosed. 
 
 After a first invitation, cards must be left in 
 person, whether the invitation was accepted or 
 declined. The only excuses for sending them by 
 post are illness or mourning. 
 
 After visitors leave the room, it is in the worst 
 possible taste for a hostess to discuss the char- 
 acter or belongings of her guests, nor should 
 she allow others, in her presence, to discusF 
 them. 
 
 Gentlemen should not expect to receive invi- 
 tations from ladies, unless they have called upon 
 them, or, at least, have sent a card by some friend. 
 A mother generally leaves her sons' cards, a wife 
 her husband's ; and almost all young gentlemen, 
 if they have not time to call, can get some friend 
 to leave a card. A first call, as has been said, 
 should be returned within three or four days. 
 Young men should call on each other. The lady 
 of society who has sons should impress this fact 
 upon them — that our friendships, as Dr. Johnson 
 once said, must be kept in constant repair.
 
 ;^6 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 Women do so much of the work of society in 
 America, that men are becoming very careless of 
 these little matters of etiquette. 
 
 It seems almost an insult to suggest to any 
 young man or woman in America, that they 
 should not make a rattling noise on the dinner 
 table with their fingers ; that they should not 
 use the toothpick too conspicuously ; that they 
 should not clean their nails outside of their dress- 
 ing-room ; that they should not take hold of peo- 
 ple when addressing them ; that the human body 
 is sacred, and should not be elbowed, shoved, or 
 clapped on the back ; that elbows should not be 
 put on the table ; that whispering in company is 
 not good manners ; that staring is in bad taste ; 
 and that it is vulgar to hide the mouth, when 
 smiling, with the hand. All these essentials of 
 good-breeding should be taught in the nurserj- : 
 and mostjjeople of tact refrain, instinctively, from 
 all that is rude or coarse. 
 
 But still, as we have said, geod manners seem 
 to be the privilege of tlie few, and we sometimes 
 observe, in fashionable circles, a coarseness and a 
 brutality, which is utterly and entirely worthy of 
 the stable-yard and i^arroora.
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 387 
 
 "Disrespect is an unpardonable vulgarity," as 
 eays a worthy writer. 
 
 One of the " disputed points of etiquette " is 
 this : A lady gives a ball or a reception, and some 
 one of her friends finds herself left out. 
 
 She naturally does not call, or make any 
 sign, after this, and is, perhaps, hurt and of- 
 fended. 
 
 Now the first lady 7ias sent a card and it has 
 been lost ; who shall ever tell her that the second 
 lady never received it ? 
 
 Many friendships are impaired in this way, and 
 both ladies are angry, and are, perhaps, made 
 enemies for life. 
 
 For the lady who gave the ball says: "How 
 rude Mrs. Oldfield was not to respond to my in- 
 vitation." 
 
 Mrs, Oldfield is in the awkward position of not 
 knowing whether she was invited or not, and no 
 lady likes to seem offended at such a slight, for it 
 may be that the lady who gave the ball needed 
 room, and so did not invite all her friends, etc. 
 The trouble grows. It is well for the mutual 
 friends of the two ladies to find out these circum- 
 stance and to make the peace.
 
 S88 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 
 
 But. alas 1 society rather foments quarrels 
 than clears them away. 
 
 Servants often do their employers great in- 
 justice. They give wrong messages ; they are 
 uncivil at the door ; they miscarry notes ; they 
 deny one person and admit another ; they are 
 very apt to lie. The mistress of a house cannot 
 always, with the best intentions, prevent these 
 accidents from occurring. She must, however, 
 do her " possible,'' as the French say. A servant 
 is very apt to take his tone from his employers, and 
 be respectful if they are cordial, and insolent if 
 they are insolent. 
 
 A gentleman has written to know when and 
 where a man may wear his hat. 
 
 He may wear it at a garden party, in a draft, 
 at all assemblies in the open air, and in picture 
 galleries and places of public promenade, at a 
 smoking, beer-drinking summer concert. He 
 should, however, lift it in passing a lady on a 
 hotel staircase, lecture or concert-room, or thea- 
 tre. Some men, standing, hold their hats in their 
 hands whUe talking to a lady in the street : but 
 this is superfluous. 
 
 A man should always lift his hat if a lady
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 389 
 
 hands him a note, a bunch of flowers, an um- 
 brella — anything which she raay wish him to de- 
 liver to another. 
 
 Tact will generally decide this question. If a 
 gentleman is in doubt, and wishes to put on his 
 hat so that be may not take cold, he need only 
 say, " I beg your permission to resume my hat," 
 and any real lady will excuse him. 
 
 Formerly it was the custom for a wife to take 
 her husband's arm on entering a room ; but that 
 is now considered old-fashioned. The lady enters 
 first, the gentleman following with his crush hat 
 in his hand. 
 
 A good memory for names and faces is a price- 
 less possession in society, but all have it not, and, 
 therefore, after cultivating it and failing, do not 
 be afraid to confess your failing and ask for a 
 person's name. Do it so politely that he cannot 
 feel offended. Every one should have the proper 
 self-respect to be aware that this is not personal 
 to himself or herself. 
 
 Only the snobbish, the pretentious and the ig- 
 norant frequently take offense ; the good, the 
 ?eDsible and the modest are seldom offended. 
 
 Do not, in theatre or concert-room, point with
 
 390 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MA>"N-ERS. 
 
 the finger at any person whose locality you wish 
 to Indicate ; it gives great offense. 
 
 To ask an artist for a ticket to his concert ; 
 to indicate that you wish for a permit to go and 
 see an exhibition which has to be paid for ; to 
 beg for Invitations ; to suggest that a gentleman 
 should hire a carriage for you— all these belong to 
 the social marauder, the social gouge, whose 
 character we have sketched elsewhere. 
 
 It is in bad taste for Americans to adopt the 
 coronets, liveries, cockades, of the foreign nobil- 
 ity for their servants. Let every family have a 
 decent livery of their own for their servants, if 
 they wish, but never steal the coat-of-arms. or the 
 colors, or the coronets, of those families who, 
 perhaps, earned them a thousand years ago by 
 their valor. We have our own nobility, our own 
 coat-of arms— we need not steal. 
 
 The matters of raising a veil, or of pulling off 
 a glove, on entering a house, have become obso- 
 lete. It is a personal thing \vith each individual, 
 now, as to the treatment of his or her own dress. 
 
 On the subject of bows and salutations we 
 have been explicit ; but still, it appears, there are 
 questions. We can only add. that a gentleman,
 
 THE AMERICAN CODE OF MANNERS. 391 
 
 when walking or driving with a lady, should bow 
 when any one bows to her, lifting his hat from 
 his head. It is civility, also, to return a bow, 
 even if you do not know who is bowing to you. 
 A bow does not necessitate an after acquaint- 
 ance, but to neglect to return it marks a churlish 
 ill-breeding. 
 
 A bow should not be accompanied by a grin 
 or a broad smile, unless the parties are very well 
 acquainted ; and yet, says an English author, 
 "you should never bow to a friend without a 
 smile in your eyes." 
 
 A gentleman, on meeting a lady in the street, 
 should offer to carry her mantilla, or her parcel, 
 if she will allow him to do so. 
 
 In ascending a staircase, the gentleman should 
 go up first, and not with, or after, the lady. It is 
 optional, in the street, whether the right arm or 
 the left be offered, if an arm is offered at all. 
 
 In regard to the etiquette of mourning, we have 
 had many inquiries. 
 
 We can only reiterate, that an early call is 
 proper, as showing feeling. A card left in per- 
 son, a note written to the afflicted, is always in 
 the best taste, if it express the purest sympathy.
 
 392 THE AMERICAX COOK OF MANNERS. 
 
 As for congratulatory visits, and the cards and 
 notes written after the engagement, or the wed- 
 ding, these must be left to the instinct of the 
 individual. 
 
 Remember, however, that every kind expres- 
 sion of your sincere good- will will be a very 
 delightful souvenir to the young couple who are 
 starting on an adventurous journey. 
 
 And in this last fragmentary chapter, in which 
 we have tried to answer the myriad questions 
 addressed to us, let us add the hope that we have, 
 in this little book, touched the key-note of good- 
 breeding, and that we have made manifest the 
 fact, that the best guide to fair manners is an 
 honest and a good heart.
 
 INDEX. 
 
 PAGB8 
 
 INTRODUCTORY 7 to 19 
 
 A New Departure— A Distinctive Class— Society a 
 Convention — Marie Antoinette— The Polite Man 
 the Firmest— The Enfranchised Woman— Woman 
 makes Etiquette— Chivalry of American Men— Our 
 
 : Young Countrywomen Abroad— A Spoiled Child— 
 Eespect for Those in Authority— A President's 
 Reception — Solecisms — Unconscious Solecisms- 
 Anecdote of General Jackson— American Etiquette 
 Not Slavish. 
 
 CHAPTER 1 20 TO 31 
 
 • The Young Man Who Desires to Enter 
 Society. 
 Old Story of George the Fourth— Young Man from 
 the Plains— The Necessity of Letters of Introduc- 
 tion—Gentlemen's Evening Dress— The Prince of 
 Wales— The Care of the Hand— Rings— A Theatre 
 Party— Eastern and Western Etiquette— Morning 
 Dress— Neatness— Dri^^ng Out— The Improvement 
 of Mind— Clubs— Sir Walter Raleigh— The Proper 
 Form of a Note. 
 
 CHAPTER II 32 TO 44 
 
 A Young Lady's Entrance into Society. 
 Dresses from Paris— Clandestine Meetings— A Presi- 
 dent's Wife— " Respect Your Parents"— A Young 
 Schoolmistress— A Southern Lady— A Chaperon- 
 French Proverb— The Complexion— Strong Per- 
 fumes—Cleanliness the Foundation of Elegance- 
 Cold and Warm Baths— Health— The Mother First 
 in Everything— An English Governess— A Spanish 
 Duenna— A True Chaperon— Inviting People to a 
 First Ball — Watching Her Own Manners — Lord
 
 394 INDEX. 
 
 Houghton— The Voice, Not Too Loud— At the The- 
 atre—Love and Marriagre— Respecting a Seal— In- 
 troducing a Daughter— The Etiquette of the Ball- 
 room. 
 
 CHAPTER III 45 TO 57 
 
 A Young Couple on their Extranxe rNTo 
 Society. 
 
 Bringing a Young Ladvfrom Another Citv— At Sea- 
 How to Begin— The Crucial Test— A Jaded Man of 
 Fashion — The Second Danger — Push — Mrs. Leo 
 Hunter—" If She is Wise"- Sending Cards-Din- 
 ners- Evening Receptions- A Y'oung Married 
 Woman— A Foolish Fear— Patience as a Handmaid 
 —Not Ashamed of Poverty— A Young Couple Too 
 Devoted in Public— The Duty of Writing Notes— 
 The Husband's Duty— Butterflies and Bees— Good 
 Management— The Duties of a Y'oung Couple to 
 Older People. 
 
 CHAPTER IV 58 to 70 
 
 Dinners Large and Small— their Eti- 
 quette, Number of Courses and Limita- 
 tions. 
 Importance of Dinner Engagements— Form of Card 
 and Acceptance—" R. S. V. P "—A Good Dinner 
 Giver— Dinners Better Cooked at Home— Hiring 
 Waiters— Gas. Candles. Lamps— Composure — Con- 
 genial Company— The Essentials of a Perfect Din- 
 ner—The Grecian Vase. 
 
 CHAPTER V 71 TO 82 
 
 State Dinners, Formal Dinners and Fa- 
 mous Dinners. 
 The Rus.sian Dinner— General Washington— A Splen- 
 did Picture— The Host Enters First— How to Use 
 Napkin and Fork— Customs in Germany— The 
 Epergne— Flowers— A Round Table— Five Minutes 
 Grace for the Tardy— A Boutuniiiereand Card— To 
 be Agreeable at Table— Instructing Servants— The
 
 INDEX. 395 
 
 Butler— The Host— Women Taught to Carve— Not 
 Too Crowded Diplomatic Dinners— Colored Cooks 
 —Dinner Cards— Health. 
 
 CHAPTER VI 83 to 94 
 
 Keceptions, Teas, Lttncheoxs. 
 
 The Proper Dress at the Reception— Conveniences 
 and Drawbacks— Form of In\itation— Cards Left 
 —Tea at Four o'clock— The Departure from the 
 Orisrinal Idea— Form of Card— Numerals— Youne: 
 Gentlemen Should Make an Evening: Call— Dancing 
 at Day Receptions— Music— The Table— Evening 
 Parties— At Homes— Reception to a Distinguished 
 Person— The Pre-eminence of the Hostess— Musical 
 Parties— A Sensible Reformation— The Etiquette 
 of the Ball-room— Gentlemen in the Supper-room. 
 
 CHAPTER VII 95 TO 106 
 
 Who Should Bow First ? Who Should 
 Speak First? Who Should Call First"? 
 A Sliding Scale— Earl de Grey and Fdvon—youveaux 
 Biches— Who Shall Bow First?— Etiquette in Wash- 
 ington—To Get On in Society— Serene Courtesy— A 
 Social Leader— Snobs— Introducing People— A 
 Truly Hospitable Hostess— The Etiquette of the 
 Hat— Exclusiveness— Lady Waldegrave— Cutting 
 an Acquaintance— Adventurers— Social Marauders 
 —The Sieve at the Door— Kind Inquiries— The 
 Jeunesse Bw'ee. 
 
 CHAPTER Viri 107 TO 118 
 
 Conduct in a Crowd. 
 
 A Matinee— Presence of Mind— Frankness Mistaken 
 for Boldness— A Fancy Fair— Eccentricity— Lady 
 Bulwer— Quarreling in Public— AWoman Chivalrous 
 in Friendship-Not to Talk Too Well-The For- 
 tress of Fashion— A Safety-Gauze Mask— Never 
 Observe a Slight— How to Live Amid the Contests 
 of Society— Be Grave and Decorous— A Salutation 
 and its Language— The Manners of Young Women 
 Apt to be Too Careless— The Duty of a Leader of 
 Society— Never Advertise Your Failures.
 
 CHAPTER IX 119 to 131 
 
 The Etiquette of Weddings, of Calls of 
 Congratulation and of Sympathy. 
 The First Intimation of an Enfragement— Wrong 
 Done to Young Ladies— A Premature Suraiise— An 
 Engagement King— Money an Important Factor— 
 Gi\ing of Bridal (ilfts— Want of Delicacy— Silver- 
 ware— Form of Card— Etic^uette of the Engaged 
 Pair— Bridesmaids— The Bnde's Mother— The Leav- 
 ing Home— Tin-owing the Slipper— Old Welsh Tra- 
 dition—The Houennoon— Widows' Weddings- 
 Calls of Sympathy. 
 
 CHAPTER X 132 TO 145 
 
 American Mistakes. 
 
 The American Girl in Europe— Sardou'sl'ncle Sam- 
 Rich Uneducated Americans in Europe— Peculi- 
 arity of our Political System— Non-Conventionality 
 —Ignorance of tlie Cobweb Wall of Etiquette— Mr. 
 Motley and the Young American Heiress— All 
 Amencans of the Same Social Rank in th<^ Eyes of 
 Foreigners— The Innocent Women Who Shock Eu- 
 rope—The American Adventuress an Original 
 Srpe— Mrs. Henry V. Clams— The Relation of 
 other to Daughter— An American Di.sability— The 
 American Colony in Europe— A Clifford, a Howard, 
 a Cond^— Patronage— Foreigners Who Make Good 
 Husbands— American Snobbery. 
 
 CHAPTER XI 14« TO 157 
 
 Social Observances Toward Foreigners 
 and Toward Our Own Great People. 
 
 Avoiding a Slavish Imitation— The Norroy King at 
 Arms— Shakinf? Hands- The French Princes— A 
 Little Concession to Old World Etiquette— How to 
 Treat the President— Nt^torious Lion Hunters- 
 Snobs Thrusting Themselves In— Flies in Oint- 
 ment—Cold Lunches and How to Make Them— 
 Morning Entertainments. Reasons Against Them— 
 Giving of Titles— Never Abuse the Appearance of 
 Intimacy— American Women Avoiding the Insignia
 
 I 
 
 INDEX. 397 
 
 of Rank— The Toad-stools— Find Out if Your Prince 
 be Genuine— Lord Houghton- The Dean of West- 
 minster. 
 
 CHAPTER XII 158 TO 169 
 
 Young People at a Watering Place. 
 Mistaking Notoriety for Fame— Bathing Dresses- 
 Conspicuous Dress— Flirtation— Observing Foreign- 
 ers — Americans Gregarious— Each One Should be 
 on Guard— Young Married Women — Flirtations of 
 Married Men— Married Flirts— Excessive Liberty 
 Permitted to American Youth— Too Youthful Mar- 
 riages— Youn^ Engaged Couples at a Watering 
 Place— Speakmg Without an Introduction — Young 
 Men Should Not Push— Great Carelessness in Giving 
 Letters— Mock Countesses and Undesirable Adven- 
 turesses—The Bad Manners at a Watering Place— 
 Scandal— Good Hotels— Newport. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII 170 to 181 
 
 A Haughty Hostess. 
 A Mock Dignity— Insulting Manners of Certain New 
 York Women— Lady Holland— HI Tem])er and Bad 
 Manners— The Duties of a Hostess— An Anecdote 
 from Life— A Married Lady All Powerful— Particu- 
 larity of Invitations— A Strange Mistake— A Rural 
 University Form— A Hostess an Enormous Social 
 Power— Never Reprove Servants Before Company 
 —Punctuality the Courtesy of Kings— Mrs. Early- 
 bird— Mrs. Heavyfeather— English Women Charm- 
 ing Hostesses— " iVofi^se Oblige''— l^o Instinct of 
 Hospitality— Ignorance— Avoid the Vulgarity of 
 Rudeness. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV 182 to 193 
 
 The Etiquette of Cards. 
 
 The Alpha and Omega— A Clearing-house for Cards 
 —Lady's Card— Gentleman's Card- The Etiquette 
 of a First Call— Giving an Entertainment— First 
 Invitations— When to Return a Call— Men Should 
 Dress for Dinner and an Evening Call— Watering
 
 'tfb INDEX. 
 
 Place Etiquette— Where Cards Should be Left- 
 New Year's Calls— How Cards Should be Enj^raved 
 —A Persistent I^oring of Rules— Betrothals in 
 Europe— Calling Hours in New York— Who to 
 Leave Cards For— Sendintr Visiting Cards by Post- 
 Where Shall Cards be Sent to a Young Couple 
 Married in Church— The Card a Medium for Invi- 
 tations. 
 
 CHAPTER XV 194 to 20e 
 
 Flirtation and Increasing Fastness of 
 Manner. 
 
 Flirtation of Married Women After Their Daughters 
 are Grown Up— Fastness of Manner— A Woman 
 Improving Her Fashionable Position by Her Flirta 
 tions — Fast Girls— Short-lived Successes— Flirtation 
 the High Road to Notoriety— Elderly Vanity— Mrs. 
 Feathercap— Scrabbling for a Position— Ladies in 
 the Highest Sense I*r()fe.<5sional Beauties— Result 
 of Flirtatious Manners— The "Brand on the Fore- 
 head "—The Ignis-Fatuus— The Perfect American 
 Woman— The Cliristian Church and the Institution 
 of Chivalry— Delilah— The Rod of Empire— Talking 
 Too Loud— The English Voice. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI 207 TO 218 
 
 The Manners of Youno Men. 
 
 The Good Manners of the Best— The Englishman a 
 Finer Man at Sixty— Arsene Houssaye on the 
 Young Frenchman— Fop and Dandy of the Past- 
 Young Men Should Study Manners— American 
 Savages — A Splendid National Peculiarity— A 
 Doubtful Man— Brutality of Manner— The Admira- 
 ble Crichtons of To-day— Young Men Should Avoid 
 Boasting— A Serious Flirtatif»n With a Married 
 Woman— A Bloodh'ss Dut-l- The Valuable Addi- 
 tion to Society— Enamel on Gold— Mme.de Remusat 
 —The Frank Smile— The Courteous Bow.
 
 INDEX. 399 
 
 CHAPTER XVII 219 TO 229 
 
 Real, and Conventional Breeding. 
 
 Slight Distinction Between the Two Breedings— The 
 Grand Ceremonials of Court— Mr. Everett and the 
 Duchess of Kent— A Gentleman at Heart— English- 
 men Dai-ing to be Rude— All American Women 
 Duchesses — " Cos/'m?«6 de Voyageur''''—Mv. Long- 
 fellow— Politenesss of Italian Ladies— Talking 
 Slang— Neither Real nor Conventional Ladies— The 
 Carefulness of the Real Gentleman— Neatness- 
 Artificial Observances— Imposing Unpopular Opin- 
 ions on One's Host. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 230 TO 241 
 
 The Ethics of Dress. 
 
 The Worldly Wisdom of Old Polonius— The Empress 
 Eugenie— The Luxury of Queen Bess Outdone— Is 
 Dress Worth the Trouble it Costs'?— New York 
 Dressmakers — Seamstresses in the House— A Grow- 
 ing Taste for Plain Clothes— Dress Made to Dignify 
 the Human Body— The Ox Who Strove to Gambol 
 with the Gazelle— Lord Byron— The Ethics of Dress 
 Should Express Sex— Tne Puritan Fathers— A 
 Mother Should Dress Better than Her Daughter- 
 Allowing the Hair to Become White. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX 242 to 252 
 
 An American Returned from Europe. 
 
 Nationality— Britannia Ware— Green Travelers- 
 No American Can Be Nationalized Abroad— The 
 Question of Liveries— Beau Brummel— An Ameri- 
 can Should Not Abuse His Country— The Bien Etre 
 of New York— An Affected Habit of Speech— Cow- 
 per— The Good Influence of a Returned Traveler— 
 The Need of Good Servants— The Italian Marquis 
 —The Collector— The Americans a Musical People 
 —The Glib Talkers— A Judicious Economy— Mr. 
 Cobden— What Part of European Civilization to 
 Copy,
 
 400 INDEX. 
 
 CHAPTER XX 253 TO 265 
 
 The Money Marriage Market, 
 
 Calculating Romeos— Respectable Fortune Hunters 
 —Mere Adventurers— French Marriages— False Eti- 
 quette of the Age— Pursuit (jf an Heiress in a Large 
 City— A Gilded Turveydrop— A Woman Marrying 
 for Money— A Portionless Lady Sarah— Elegant 
 Sjmonyms for Rich Men's Vices— All Rich Maniages 
 Not Unhappy— A Positive iloral Obligation— The 
 Sleek Lazy Horse.and the Full-blooded liacer— The 
 Selfish Existence — A Cold-blooded Snob — A Rob- 
 ber Baroness— Butchers in Disguise — " Please, 
 dear Juliet, Give Me a Ducat "—The " Mariage de 
 Convenartce.'" 
 
 CHAPTER XXI 26fi to 277 
 
 Recognition and Salutation. 
 
 "Be Careful Not to Bow Too Low"— The Quick 
 Recognition— Cultivating a Manner —" Z,'A*p/t/ 
 d'Aifco/i^"- A Pleasant Bow— A Poor Memory for 
 Faces— The Social Barometer— A Conventional 
 Bow— Genial and Cordial Salutations and Their 
 Power— To Meet One's Fate Half-way— A Stentorian 
 Voice— Saluting the Dead— An Unkind Salutation 
 —Captain .Jackson— Kind and Polite Salutations 
 at Home— The Reverse— A '' Malade Imarjinuire'''' 
 —Yankee Plaiimess— A Respect for Superiors. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII 278 to 287 
 
 The Arab Law op Hospitality. 
 
 The Etiquette of Being a Guest— An English Country 
 House— Punctuality — Arab Maxims — Respecting 
 the Fireside— '• Rede the Rede of the Old Roof 
 Tree"— Breakfast an Informal Meal— Dinner and 
 its Laws— Suggestions as to Subjects to be Avoided 
 —The Family Dog— Tlie Servants— Never Join in 
 Family C|uarrels—Sell-love— Visiting, a Slavery— 
 Too Independent People Cannot be Guests- 
 Punctuality and Graciousness.
 
 INDEX. 401 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII 288 to 298 
 
 Characteristics op Different Cities. 
 
 Washington a Cosmopolitan Foreign City— Mrs. Fish 
 —New York— Respectable Aristocracies— Philadel- 
 phia and Boston— Daniel Webster— The 'Athens of 
 America"— Charles Calvert— Lord Baltimore— New- 
 Orleans, the "Paris of America"— Adventurers- 
 Predatory Arabs— Never Hastily Accept a Verbal 
 Invitation— Never Trifle with a Dinner Invitation 
 —Newport— A Clearing-house for Cards— Exclusive 
 People— Description of New York. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV 299 to 311 
 
 The Morals of Fashion. 
 
 The Married Flirts— What Does Fashion Mean?— 
 Picking One's Way through the Excesses— Madame 
 de Sevigne— The Prince of Wales— The Morals of 
 Fashion— A Fashionable Charity— Making All Sorts 
 of People — Noble Women of Fashion — Effete 
 Young Men of Fashion— Fashion at Her Best— Nat- 
 ural Powers of Fascination— The Stuff of which 
 Fashion is Made— The Subtile Influence which 
 Rules the World— Scott, Dickens and Byrcm Sub- 
 ject to the Influence of Fashion. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV 312 to 322 
 
 Several Kinds of Exclusiveness. 
 
 An Aristocracy of Self-made Men— Mrs. Mont Blanc 
 —Mrs. Gushing Stream— Mrs. Lindenmere— Exclu- 
 siveness Another Name for Snobbery— Exclusive- 
 ness in Religion— Helping a Woman of Fashion— 
 The Bold Ideas Govern the World— A Wise Exclu- 
 siveness— Inviting Those who are Congenial— To 
 Form a SaXon—Nouveau ^ic^e— Copying English 
 Insolence— Advising a Young Person Not to Choose 
 His Friends from a Worldly Point of View— Objec- 
 tionable Men and Women Getting Into Society— 
 An Ideal Exclusiveness.
 
 402 INDEX. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI 323 to 334 
 
 Breeding, Cultivation and Manners. 
 
 Good Breeding Putting Nature Under Restraint— A 
 Well-bred Woman— Bad Manners of Fashionable 
 Young Men — No Cultivation —A Rich Wife— A 
 " Dig"— The Age a Revolutionai-y One— An Admir- 
 able Crichton Po.ssible— The Fast Girl of the Period 
 —The Varied Education of the Well-bred— Making 
 the Heart Right— To Have Nothing Left of a Great 
 Ancestor but His Bad Manners— The Storys— The 
 Astors— A Pretty " uld Lady"— An " Old Gentle- 
 man"— The Manners of the Past Founded on Re- 
 spect for Others. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII 335 to 346 
 
 The Duties op Americans to Society. 
 
 The Political Embarrassment— Bard well Slote— The 
 Polished Man from Boston— The Ladies of the 
 White House -Insolent Independence— Manners 
 the Open Sesame— Rai.sing tlie Tone of Society 
 —Solecisms— Camel's-hair Shawls and Ear-rings 
 in Traveling— A Disdain of Privacy— A Social Con- 
 science— Youn^ Wives in Europe— A Quaint, Old- 
 fashioned I^>liteness— American Manners Should 
 Have Originality— The Power of an American Girl 
 —The Belle of the Sea.son— The Manners of the 
 Old World. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII 347 to 350 
 
 The Use of Certain Words. 
 
 " A Genteel Thing "— " I Love Melons "—American 
 Use of Pronouns— Adoption of Slang— Teaching 
 Declamation— Exaggeration— Reserve in Conver- 
 sation— "A Very Fine Gentleman "—The Word 
 "Vulgar "—Good Manners the Garments of Eveiy 
 Day— "Thank You" and " Thanks "—" Good 
 Afternoon "—A Decay in the Art of Conversation 
 —Puns Should be Avoided— Reading and Good 
 Taste.
 
 INDEX. 403 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX 357 to 367 
 
 Dinners and Breakfasts Once More Con- 
 sidered. 
 From Whom to Accept Invitations— Etiquette of 
 Waiting, of Introducing— Good Manners at Table— 
 " When Fingers and When Forks 1"— Not Waiting 
 for Others— Finger Bowls— American Taste for Ice 
 Water— The Best Moment for Story Telling— Com- 
 posure at the '\:ab\e—DeJei1,ner a la Fourchetfe— 
 Breakfasts at Twelve— Sunday Dinners and Teas- 
 Wedding Breakfasts — Home Breakfasts— Sidney 
 Smith— Morning Dress— A Formal Luncheon— Sim- 
 plicity in Dress the Mark of a Gentleman. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX 368 to 379 
 
 Teas, High Teas and Calls. 
 A Call de Bigueur— The Freedom of Five. o'clock 
 Tea— High Teas and Their Delights— A Buffet En- 
 tertainment—No Formal Calls Made on Sunday— 
 A Chapter on " Cards "—Practical Hints— The 
 Alpha and Omega of Chivalry— The Necessity of 
 Keplying Quickly to Invitations— The Giving of 
 Titles— Avoid Quarrels in Public—" After Supper " 
 —A Lady Giving a Young Man a Chance to Get 
 ii\v ay— Giving Him His Conge— 'Never to Intrude on 
 a Tete-a-tete— Invite More People to a Ball than 
 You Expect— The Conduct of Young Gentlemen 
 after a First Invitation. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI 380 to 392 
 
 A Few Last Words on Etiquette. 
 Letters of Introduction— Calling Hours in Different 
 Cities— Ladies' Dress— The French Fashion of 
 Leaving Cards— Not Customary to Introduce Resi- 
 dents of the Same City— The First Calls of the Sea- 
 son—After a First Invitation— A Gentleman Must 
 Call or Send a Card Before Expecting an Invitation 
 —Disrespect an Unpardonable Vulgarity— Disputed 
 Points of Etiquette— A Servant's Mistakes—" When 
 Maya Man Wear His Hat?"— Taking One's Hus- 
 band's Arm— The Manners of the Theatre and the 
 Concert-room— The Etiquette of Mourning— Con- 
 gratulatory Visits.
 
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